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Scene 1 -  Stalked in the Suburban Night
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
GET OUT



Written by


Jordan Peele
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,
to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and
acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be
conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of
your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will
of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

-Romans 12:1-2


EXT. SUBURBAN - NIGHT

ANDRE, 29, an African-American man walks down the sidewalk
talking on his phone.

ANDRE
Hey. I’m trying to figure out what
kind of sick individual would name
a street Evergreen Way a half a
mile from and “Evergreen Lane.”

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Oh shit. You’re at Evergreen Lane?

ANDRE
Took me long enough to figure that
shit out too. Now I’m walking
through creepy confusing-ass
suburbs.

They laugh

ANDRE (CONT’D)
I’m serious though. I’m out here
like a sore thumb and shit.

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Stay put; we’ll come get you.

ANDRE
No, I’m like 10 minutes away now.
I’m good. I need a drink, but I’m
good.

CRYSTAL
Okay. Sorry baby. I’ll make it up
to you.

ANDRE
I’m gonna hold you to that, too.
See you in a minute.

Andre hangs up.
2.


Andre stops. He looks down the street behind him. It’s dark
and empty. Andre looks up the street in front of him; A
vintage creme-colored Porsche with tinted windows and a roof
passes him.

A dog barks.

The car does a u-turn behind him. It now CREEPS up on the
street behind Andre. It’s following him.


INT. SPORTS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Drivers’s POV watching Andre. His BREATH ECHOES deep and
tinny as if were into a coffee can. Through the car’s system
we hear the song “Run Rabbit Run.”


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS

Andre, feeling followed, stops and turns. The car stops. He
waves at the unseen DRIVER obscured by reflection of the
streetlight on the windshield. There is no response. The
ENGINE PURRS. The song “Run Rabbit Run” is playing from
inside.

Andre peers through the windshield but can’t see through the
reflection of the street lamp.

Nothing. Sketchy. Andre resumes walking; the car follows
suit...

ANDRE
(under his breath)
This is some shit right here...

After a beat of walking.

ANDRE (CONT’D)
Nope.

Andre turns around and begins walking in the other direction.

ANDRE (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Yo.


INT. SPORTS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Driver’s POV. Andre walks.
3.




EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS

Andre hears the song “Run Rabbit Run” more clearly now. Andre
turns back to the car it’s sitting in the street where he
left it. He walks into the street and peers to get a better
angle. The driver’s side car door is open.

ANDRE
What the fuck?

Andre turns back to the curb and the DRIVER, in a black
knight’s helmet, steps towards him and quickly wraps him up
in a rear naked choke hold. Andre struggles but soon passes
out. The phone drops to the floor. HE is dragged to the trunk
of the car.


The driver plops Andre in the padded trunk. He gets in his
car and drives off.


TITLE CARD:



“Get Out”
4.


EXT. CITY- DAWN

The sun rises over the city. Autumn. Beautiful.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

We move slowly through the small but clean apartment. The
walls are decorated with striking urban photography. A SHOWER
RUNS.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - BATHROOM - MORNING

CHRIS WASHINGTON, 24, a handsome African-American man shuts
the medicine cabinet. He’s shirtless and naturally athletic.
He scrutinizes his reflection with a touch of vanity.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - BATHROOM - MORNING

Chris spreads shaving cream onto his face and shaves. He
postures a little then nicks himself on the neck. He smirks;
deserved that.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Chris, clothed, looks out his window through a professional
camera. He flips through some striking urban images on the
digital display much like the ones framed around his
apartment. He is a very talented photographer.

Sid, a small dog, watches him. The BUZZER RINGS.


INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ELEVATOR

Rose rides in the elevator. The doors open.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Andre, an African-American man, is stalked and kidnapped while walking through a suburban neighborhood at night. The scene then shifts to Chris, a talented photographer, getting ready for the day in his city apartment.
Strengths "Suspenseful tone, effective use of music and sound, strong opening hook"
Weaknesses "Lack of character development, thin dialogue"
Critique The scene begins with a quote from the Bible, which gives the audience a sense of the theme of the film and the ideas that will be explored. However, the transition to the scene of Andre walking down the street talking on his phone is abrupt and without context. We don't know who Andre is or where he's going, so it's difficult to feel invested in his conversation with Crystal. The banter between the two is funny and lighthearted, but it also seems to distract from the tension that is building with the car following Andre.

As the scene progresses and Andre becomes more aware that he is being followed, the tension builds well, and the use of the song "Run Rabbit Run" adds to the sense of danger. However, the moment when the driver steps out of the car wearing a black knight's helmet feels a bit too cinematic and contrived. It's not clear what the driver's motivation is or why he specifically targeted Andre. This lack of explanation makes it difficult to fully engage with the scene.

Overall, while the tension is well-built and the use of music is effective, the lack of context for Andre and the sudden appearance of the driver in a helmet make the scene feel slightly contrived and lacking in depth.
Suggestions Overall, this is a very well-written scene. However, here are a few suggestions to potentially improve the scene:

- Consider adding a specific location and time in the opening description to create a clearer setting for the audience. For example: "EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD, 11:00 PM". This will help create a clearer image for the audience and add to the suspense of the scene.
- Show more of Andre's emotions and thoughts as he becomes increasingly suspicious and fearful. This will help create even more tension and draw the audience deeper into the scene.
- Consider adding more sensory details such as the smell of the night air or the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. This will help create a more immersive experience for the audience.
- Show more of a reaction from the driver when Andre waves at him, such as a sinister smile or a look of cold indifference. This will help further establish the driver as a menacing figure and increase the tension of the scene.
- Add more description of Chris to establish his character more fully. For example, you could mention something about his style of dress or his demeanor to help create a clearer image of who he is.
- Consider using a more distinctive font or style for the title card "Get Out" to add to the visual impact of the scene.



Scene 2 -  Morning Rituals
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - MORNING

Rose walks down the hallway with her hands full. She has two
coffees and two bags of pastries. Chris opens the door. Rose
stands outside the apartment. Chris smirks.

ROSE
I know. I couldn’t decide...

He takes the coffee tray and pulls her inside. They kiss and
shut the door.
5.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - CHRIS’ BEDROOM - DAY

Chris packs a small bag of luggage. Rose lays on the bed.


Rose eats a chocolate croissant. SID lays by her on the bed.
She strokes him. It’s a perfect morning.


ROSE
Toothbrush... Deodorant...


CHRIS
Check... Check....

Rose notices Chris is being cagey.

Chris packs in silence for a moment.

ROSE
What? Where’d you go?

CHRIS
Nowhere.

ROSE
No, what?

CHRIS
Do the know I’m black?

ROSE
No. Why? Should they?

CHRIS
Seems like you might wanna mention
it...

ROSE
Right. You mean like “Mom, Dad, my
black boyfriend and I are coming up
for the weekend”? He’s African
American, but I hope you can
overlook that.


Chris, being teased, pulls Rose by the ankle and gets on top
of her.

CHRIS
You said I’m the first black guy
you’d ever dated.
6.


ROSE
Yeah, so.

CHRIS
I’m just sayin’ this is uncharted
territory for them. I don’t wanna
get chased off the lawn with a gun.

Rose embraces him and pulls him to the bed.

ROSE
Dude, seriously. My dad would’ve
legit voted for Obama a third time
if he could’ve. Yes, he will want
to talk to you about it, and that
will be embarrassing as fuck, but
it’s just cause he’s lame.

Chris laughs.

ROSE (CONT’D)
There are a lot of maddening things
about them but they’re not racist.
I promise.


Chris nods amused, but isn’t totally convinced.

ROSE (CONT’D)
And my mom loves Idris Elba.

CHRIS
(sarcastic)
Oh, why didn’t you say so?

He holds her. He kisses her cheek. She raises her phone and
takes a selfie of them.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Oh, sneak attack!

ROSE
(laughing)
Don’t!

They roll around playfully.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chris and Rose stand by the front door about to leave. Rose
blows Sid a kiss.
7.


ROSE
(to Sid)
Bye, Sid.

They almost leave, but at the last second goes to turn the TV
on for Sid. He rubs Sid’s head briefly.

CHRIS
(to Sid)
Rod’ll be by soon. Love you.

They leave. Sid watches a commercial for the United Negro
College Fund.

COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
The United Negro College Fund. A
mind is a terrible thing to waste.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - BIRD’S-EYE VIEW - DAY

We soar over Rose’s Car as it drives through the beautiful
countryside; a road flanked by woods.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Chris and Rose enjoy a playful morning together before heading to her parents' house. Chris voices his concerns about being a black man meeting her white family for the first time.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases the playful and loving dynamic between Chris and Rose. Their dialogue feels genuine and humorous. The scene also touches on important themes of racial prejudice and ignorance."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks major conflict, leading to a somewhat slow pace."
Critique As an AI, I don't have personal opinions or judgements. However, I can provide feedback based on screenwriting principles and techniques.

- The scene starts with a clear action for Rose, which is carrying coffee and pastries. This action sets the tone and mood for the scene, which is casual and comfortable.

- The dialogue between Rose and Chris establishes their relationship and provides background information about their families. The conversation flows naturally and has a mix of humor and seriousness.

- The exchange about Chris being black and Rose's parents' reaction to it feels authentic and relevant to their situation. It also introduces a potential conflict that can be explored later in the story.

- The scene ends with a brief interaction with Sid, which adds some character development and cuteness to the story.

- The transition to the next scene, where they drive through the countryside, implies a change in tone or setting. However, it's unclear what the purpose of this shot is or what it signifies for the story.

Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of character development and dialogue, but it could benefit from a stronger sense of purpose or direction. The transition to the next scene could also be improved or made clearer.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene could be:

1. Develop the characters more: Currently, we don't know much about Rose and Chris except that they are in a relationship. Give the audience more insight into their personalities and motivations. This will make the audience care more about what happens to them.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: The dialogue feels a bit contrived and forced in some parts. Try to rework the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and in line with how people actually speak.

3. Use visual cues to convey emotions: Use more visual cues to convey the emotions of the characters. For example, instead of just saying that Chris is being cagey, show him fidgeting or avoiding eye contact.

4. Create tension: The scene feels a bit too on the nose. Try to create some tension or conflict between the characters to make the scene more engaging.

5. Make the setting more engaging: The setting of a hallway and bedroom is pretty mundane. Try to make it more visually interesting or add some unique details to make it more memorable.



Scene 3 -  Road Trip Tickles
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ROSE’S CAR - DAY

Rose hums. Chris, in the passengers seat, looks through his
camera at the passing trees. He snaps a test shot. Chris
picks up a fast food wrapper from the floor of the car and
tosses it in the backseat.

CHRIS
I can’t believe they even let you
in a Hospital.

ROSE
I’m very sanitary at work.

CHRIS
How long has it been?

ROSE
Since I’ve been up here? I don’t
know. A few years? My dad grew up
here. We used to come up every
summer to visit my grandparents.
Since they died, my parents
basically moved here.

Chris takes out a cigarette sneakily. Rose grabs it promptly.
Chris holds out his hand for it. He’s played this game
before.
8.


CHRIS
Okay.

She poses sexy with it.

ROSE
Is this hot? Do I look hot?

CHRIS
I’m a grown man. If I say I want a
cigarette, I should be able to--

She opens the window and throws it out and closes the window.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Okay, so that’s like a dollar. You
basically just threw a dollar out
the window.

Rose takes a crumpled dollar out of her purse.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Hold on, I gotta call Rod.

Chris takes out his phone.


EXT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES TERMINAL - DAY

ROD WILLIAMS, 26, African American, a stocky TSA agent smokes
a cigarette and hides it from arriving passengers. His cell
phone rings.

ROD
‘Sup?

INTERCUT WITH:


NT. ROSE’S CAR - DAY

Chris sits in the passenger seat and talks on the cell phone.

CHRIS
Hey, You at work?

ROD
Yeah. Chris, tell me this. How I’m
gonna get in trouble for pattin’
down an old lady. It’s standard
procedure!I got fuckin’ Gary out
here thinkin’ just because a bitch
elderly, she can’t hijack an
airplane.
9.


Chris laughs.

ROD (CONT’D)
Watch, the next 9/11 is gonna be on
some geriatric shit too.

CHRIS
Look, man; Thanks for watching Sid
this weekend. Remember, no human
food; he’s got IBS.

ROD
You actually think I forgot that
shit? Damn ‘C’, I’m hurt. Give your
boy a little credit. I don’t forget
shit, you do.

CHRIS
Yeah, yeah. Alright.

ROD
Apology accepted. How’s ‘Lil Miss
Rosie?

CHRIS
She’s good. She’s drivin’--

Rose holds out her hand. Chris reluctantly turns on the
speaker phone.

ROSE
Hi, Rod.

ROD
Whattup girl? Hey listen, you
better bring my boy back in one
piece.

ROSE
I don’t even know what that means
but yes, I promise.

ROD
You know you picked the wrong guy
though right?

ROSE
It’s not too late for us is it?

Chris turns the speaker phone back off.

CHRIS
Okay, get your own girl.
10.


ROD
Damn, I never seen you like this.

CHRIS
Like what?

ROD
Meeting the family? What does she
lick your balls or something?


CHRIS
Goodbye, Rod. I’ll kick you some
cash when I get back.

ROD
I don’t need your money, just get
your girl to introduce me to one of
her ball-lickin’ girlfriends, and
we’re straight.

CHRIS
Bye.

ROD
You better not come back all bougie
on me--

Chris hangs up. He gives Rose a look.

ROSE
What..? Settle down. You know I’m
yours.

Rose pokes Chris. He’s clearly very ticklish.

CHRIS
Hey!

After a brief standoff they begin a tickle fight.


ROSE
Stop! I’m driving.

Chris pulls away. After a moment...


CHRIS
You started it--

A shadow darts across the hood of the car. It’s hind legs
SMACK the hood of the car with a loud THWAT-THWAT!
11.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary Chris and Rose have a playful and flirtatious morning on their way to her parents' house. They engage in a friendly tickle fight in the car before a sudden interruption.
Strengths
  • The chemistry between Chris and Rose is charming and fun to watch
  • The banter between Chris and Rod is humorous and develops their friendship
  • The tickle fight adds an unexpected burst of energy and playfulness to the scene
Weaknesses
  • The scene does not have much plot development or conflict
  • Some of the dialogue leans too heavily on stereotypical jokes about African Americans
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have expertise or opinions. However, I can provide some objective analysis of the scene based on screenwriting principles.

The scene starts with Rose and Chris in a car, and Chris takes a test shot with his camera. This establishes him as a photographer. Then, they have a playful banter about Rose's work at a hospital and throw a cigarette out of the window, which costs them a dollar.

Chris talks to his friend Rod on the phone, who works as a TSA agent and complains about pating down an old lady. Then, Rod asks about Rose and jokingly suggests that she licks Chris's balls. Chris and Rose have a tickle fight and almost hit an animal in the road.

Overall, the scene establishes the playful and flirtatious relationship between Rose and Chris, as well as Chris's profession as a photographer and Rod's job as a TSA agent. However, there is no clear plot or conflict introduced in this scene. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the story. A good scene should advance the plot or reveal something new about the characters, but this scene does neither.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some more focus and forward momentum. Currently, it seems to be more of a casual conversation between two characters, but it could be developed further to add more conflict or tension. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Add a clear goal for the characters in the scene. What are they trying to achieve or discuss? Right now, they are just chatting casually, which can make the scene feel aimless.
- Develop the relationship between Rose and Chris more. Are they a couple? Friends? Colleagues? There is some playful banter and physical contact, but it's not clear what their dynamic is.
- Use dialogue to reveal character and stakes. Right now, there is a lot of small talk that doesn't have much significance. Try to add some lines of dialogue that reveal more about the characters and their motivations.
- Add more conflict to the scene. Right now, there is a brief interlude where they tickle each other, but it doesn't really raise the stakes or create any tension. Look for ways to add conflict between the characters, either through their dialogue or action.
- Consider cutting some of the extraneous dialogue. Some of the back-and-forth between Rose and Chris feels repetitive or unnecessary. Streamlining the dialogue can help keep the scene moving.



Scene 4 -  Incident on Rural Road
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. RURAL ROAD. CONTINUOUS

The deer is propelled into the woods like a pinwheel. The car
screeches to a halt. The passenger’s side mirror swings
dangling off it’s mount. Chris and Rose breathe hard for a
few moments of shock.

ROSE
Fuck!

CHRIS
You okay?

ROSE
Yeah. You?

CHRIS
Yeah. That scared the shit out of
me.

Rose and Chris get out of the car and inspect the damage. The
right headlight is busted and a scratch in the paint leads
across the hood to the right rearview mirror which hangs

ROSE
Fuck!!!

Chris looks back in the direction of the collision.

CHRIS
Stay here.

ROSE
What are you doing?

CHRIS
I don’t know... See if it’s okay?

Chris walks a few more steps then stops. He rethinks.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Maybe it’s gone--


A guttural, almost human, moan OF PAIN comes from in the
trees behind them. They watch the woods in horror.

Chris walks back towards the haunting wail. It stops.

ROSE
Chris...?
12.


Chris motions for Rose to stay. He keeps walking towards the
thicket about 40 Ft behind the car. Something breathes deep
in the bushes.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Be careful!

Chris gathers his courage and steps off the road into the
dark thicket. He peers through the bushes. The deer lays
there gasping for air and watching him with a black wet eye.
Chris is transfixed.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY

A cop car is now pulled up behind Rose’s car. OFFICER FROSTY -
Caucasian - 33 stands near the deer on the road behind.
Another officer, OFFICER RYAN - 40 - Caucasian, speaks with
Rose who stands by the open driver’s side door. Chris sits
lightly on the hood facing forward lost in thought.


INT. ROSE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Rose rummages through her messy purse.

OFFICER RYAN
So, in the future the number to
call is Animal Control Services.

ROSE
Right. Thanks. Here it is!

Rose finally pulls her driver’s license from her purse. The
Officer looks at it and over at Chris.

OFFICER RYAN
You two coming up from the city?

ROSE
Yeah. My parents live in the Lake
Pontaco area. We’re up here for the
weekend.

OFFICER RYAN
Sir..? Can I see your license?

CHRIS
Oh... yeah. I have a state I.D.

ROSE
Wait, why?
13.


OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am?

ROSE
He wasn’t driving?

OFFICER RYAN
I didn’t ask if he was driving, I
asked to see his I.D.

ROSE
(to Officer Ryan)
But why? It doesn’t make any sense.

CHRIS
Here.

Chris offers Officer Ryan his I.D.

ROSE
No, fuck that. He shouldn’t have to
show you his I.D. because he hasn’t
done anything wrong.

CHRIS
Baby. It’s okay--

OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am, any time there is an
incident we have the right to--

ROSE
That’s bullshit!

OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am...

There is a tense silence. Officer Ryan gives up. Not worth
the trouble. Officer Ryan’s walkie chimes in.


OFFICER FROSTY
Everything alright up there
Crowsie?

He presses his walkie button.

OFFICER RYAN
Yeah, I’m all good.
(to Chris and Rose)
You guys drive safe.

Rose and Chris get into their car.
14.


OFFICER RYAN (CONT’D)
Get that headlight fixed... And the
mirror.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY

Bird’s eye view. The car winds through a thickly wooded road.


INT. ROSE’S CAR - AFTERNOON

Chris sits in the passenger’s seat deep in thought. He
watches Rose with a new pride. Rose notices.

ROSE
What?

CHRIS
That was hot.

ROSE
I’m not gonna let anyone mess with
my man.

CHRIS
I see that.

ROSE
We’re here.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Chris and Rose hit a deer on a rural road and find themselves pulled over by a cop. A tense confrontation arises when the cop asks for Chris' ID despite not being the driver.
Strengths "The confrontation with the police officer highlights a common issue of racial profiling and creates tension in the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't directly relate to the kidnapping of Andre, and the playful intro distracts from the serious tone of the rest of the scene."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The description of the deer's impact is visceral, and the tension builds well as Chris investigates the woods. The dialogue is realistic and helps to reveal character traits, such as Rose's protective nature and Chris' bravery. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

- It's unclear why Chris initially decides to investigate the woods. This could be developed further to make his decision more believable and compelling.
- The dialogue in the exchange with Officer Ryan feels a bit too on-the-nose, with Rose explicitly calling out the unfairness of him asking for Chris's ID. This could be reworked to feel more natural and subtle.
- The final line, "We're here," feels abrupt and doesn't provide much closure or emotional impact. It might be helpful to end on a note that's more thematically resonant or emotional.

Overall, though, this is a well-crafted and engaging scene.
Suggestions One suggestion could be to add more sensory details to the scene, such as the sound of the car screeching to a halt or the smell of the woods after the collision. This could help the reader visualize and immerse themselves in the scene more fully. Additionally, the dialogue between Chris, Rose, and the officers could be expanded upon to reveal more character traits and motivations. This could help create more depth and complexity in the characters, making them more interesting to the reader. Lastly, it could be helpful to establish the location and setting more clearly, such as describing the time of day and the specific area they are in. This could help orient the reader and make the scene more vivid.



Scene 5 -  Meeting the Parents
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - AFTERNOON

The woods give way to an huge clearing. A lovely medium-sized
home sits in the middle. Thick forest surrounds the estate.
The property is charming and isolated; no other houses in
sight.

As they drive past the large front lawn passing WALTER,
African American 35, who trims hedges. Walter is tall and
wears a gardening hat. He works slowly and methodically. Rose
waves as they pass.

ROSE
Hi, Walter!

Walter waves back.

ROSE (CONT’D)
(to Chris)
The grounds-keeper.
15.


CHRIS
Oh, okay.


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - MOMENTS LATER

Having parked, Rose and Chris approach the front door with
their luggage. Rose rummages through her bag.

ROSE
Where are my stupid keys...? I just
had them in my hand.

Chris RINGS the DOORBELL. Touché.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Get ready.

FOOTSTEPS. The door swings open revealing...

DEAN ARMITAGE, 59, a tall, barrel-chested WASP. Dean is a
well educated man with a poor social filter and a bad case of
Dad humor. He is the kind of guy who pronounces garbage, Gar-
bahge.

And... MISSY ARMITAGE, 56, is poised, warm and beautiful. She
exudes patience and intelligence. Missy can read people like
books. She’s a perfectly attentive host.

Rose hugs her parents.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Hi!

DEAN MISSY
There she is! Hello sweetheart.

Chris stands there awkwardly.

ROSE
Chris, this my Mom and my Dad. Mom,
Dad; Chris.

CHRIS
Hey.

Dean holds his hand out.

DEAN
You can call me Mr. Armitage.

CHRIS
Of course. I--
16.


DEAN
Got him. Come here.

Dean grabs Chris’ hand and pulls him in for a bear hug.

DEAN (CONT’D)
We hug around here, my Man. Call me
Dean.

Rose rolls her eyes with love. She’s already embarrassed.

MISSY CHRIS
(to Rose) Nice to meet you.
Your father’s very excited.

MISSY
Hi, I’m Missy, welcome to our home.

Missy shakes Chris’ hand warmly.

MISSY (CONT’D)
Come inside.

DEAN
Yes, Come in! Make yourselves
comfortable?

The four enter the house. Walter watches from afar. He slowly
turns and goes back to work.


INT. ARMITAGE HOME - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The interior is homey and eccentric; worldly and interesting.

DEAN
(to Rose and Chris)
How was the ride in?

ROSE
We hit a deer.

DEAN
Oh no! Is it dead?

CHRIS
Yeah.

MISSY
That’s horrible. Are you guys
alright?

ROSE
Yeah. It just fruck us out.
17.


MISSY
“Fruck?” That’s a good one.

CHRIS
It came out of nowhere. We got it
pretty good.

DEAN
You know what I say: One down... a
few hundred thousand to go.


MISSY ROSE
(laughing) Dad.
Dean. So awful.

DEAN
What?! They’re everywhere; like
rats. The threat they pose to the
ecology is pretty serious stuff.

MISSY
I’m sure that was traumatic for
you. You two must be exhausted.

CHRIS
Yeah, a little.

DEAN
So how long have you guys been a
thing?

CHRIS
4 months.

ROSE
5 months.

CHRIS
She’s right, I’m wrong.

DEAN
‘Atta boy, Chris. Get used to
saying that.

Dean stands.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Anyway, let me give you the grand
tour.

ROSE
Slow down. We just got here.
18.


MISSY
Let them unload their bags first.

DEAN
Yeah, yeah. Alright. Well, hurry.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Chris and Rose arrive at her parent's estate where they are greeted by her parents. Chris is nervous about meeting the family as a black man. The family engages in playful banter and dad jokes before Chris and Rose are asked to unload their bags.
Strengths "The scene introduces several new characters and their personalities through their dialogue and actions. The playful banter and dad jokes add a touch of comedy to an otherwise stressful situation."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a significant amount of conflict or emotional impact, which could make it seem slow-paced to some viewers."
Critique The scene is well-written with good descriptions of the setting and characters. The dialogue is also natural and flows well, with good characterization. One suggestion would be to have more action and movement to break up the dialogue and make the scene more engaging. Overall, it sets up the characters and setting well for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving this scene:

- There are some grammar and spelling mistakes in the scene, so make sure to proofread before submitting.
- Consider adding more specific details about the characters to help the actors bring them to life.
- The dialogue between the characters feels a bit superficial and cliché, so try adding some unique quirks and personality traits to make them stand out.
- Try to add more tension or conflict to the scene to make it more interesting. Maybe there's some underlying tension between Chris and Rose's parents, or something strange happens in the house that makes Chris feel uneasy.
- It's always good to show rather than tell, so try to incorporate some action or visuals that help to convey what's happening, rather than relying solely on dialogue. For example, you could show Rose and Chris struggling to carry their luggage up the stairs or Dean showing them around the house.



Scene 6 -  Meeting the Family
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Rose and Chris take their bags upstairs.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Rose’s old room is a cross between a young-minded teenage
girl... (a stuffed lion, ballerina music box etc) and a
moodier more rebellious teen. A window overlooks the front
lawn.

Rose and Chris place their bags down. She starts unpacking.

ROSE
I was never this clean.

CHRIS
Oh, right.

Chris looks at some pictures posted on her dresser.

ROSE
So...

CHRIS
What? Oh, they’re great.

ROSE
I told you.

He sees a picture of Rose in high school on stage in a
production of ‘The Crucible.'

CHRIS
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this
you?

ROSE
Where did you find that. I hate
that picture.

Rose takes it from him and puts it in the closet.

CHRIS
I didn’t know you were a drama kid.
19.


ROSE
There’s a lot you don’t know about
me.

CHRIS
Oh really?

Rose grabs Chris by the belt and pulls him to the bed on top
of her. They kiss. She goes for his fly.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Wait, what about the tour?

Rose looks at him like “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Chris
laughs.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
What? I want to be respectful.


INT. ARMITAGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Dean and Chris walk and look at pictures on the wall. Rose in
the living room.

Dean opens the door to the office. He and Chris stand
outside the door as Dean reaches in to turn on the lights.
In front of the desk, two comfortable-looking chairs face
each other. Books line the walls. Dean and Chris don’t enter.

DEAN
Missy’s office. She takes
appointments in there.

CHRIS
Nice. She’s a therapist, right?

DEAN
Psychiatrist, yeah. Turns out
people up here are just as messed
up in the head as they were in the
city.

Chris zones in on a photograph taken in the 90’s in front of
the Armitage house. Dean and Missy are younger, and Rose and
her brother Jeremy are kids. Roman and Josie Armitage, the
grandparents stand in the middle.

DEAN (CONT’D)
That’s my Son Jeremy.

CHRIS
I’ve heard stories.
20.


DEAN
He went through a couple dark spots
but came out the other side just
fine. He’s in Med school like his
pops. You’ll meet him later.

CHRIS
Oh, cool.

They pass Rose who’s on her phone in the living room. She
gives him an “Told you this would be boring” look.

DEAN
(chuckles)
We pop around quite a bit; always
seem to bring some new little
treasure back from wherever.

They move down the hallway to a black and white framed
picture of a 25 year old man posing in the starting position
for a race.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Oh you’ll like this. My dad’s claim
to fame. He was beat out by Jessie
Owens in the qualifying round for
the Berlin Olympics in ‘36. That’s
the one where--


CHRIS
--Owens won in front of Hitler.

DEAN
Talk about a perfect moment in
history. There’s Hitler on his high
horse with his perfect Aryan race,
and here comes this black fella to
prove him wrong in front of the
world. What a moment.

CHRIS
Tough break for your Dad though.

DEAN
He almost got over it.

Dean winks.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Dean and Chris continue their walk-through. The kitchen is
homey and pristine. It has a distinctly grandmotherly vibe.
21.


GEORGINA (30), African American, stands in the middle of the
kitchen cleaning the center island and smiling like she’s
been waiting for them.

DEAN
My mother loved her kitchen, so we
kept a piece of her in here.

CHRIS
(to Georgina)
Hi

DEAN
Oh, Georgina, this is Chris; Rose’s
boyfriend.

GEORGINA
Hello.-

DEAN
“Garbahge” goes under the sink. But
now for the piece de resistance...

Dean opens the glass back door.
Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Chris and Rose arrive at her high-status family estate. They have a flirty moment but soon head downstairs for a tour, meeting Rose's parents and the family's African American maid. Hints of conflict arise in Chris's fear of being the only black person there.
Strengths "Interesting character dynamics, playful tone"
Weaknesses "Some elements feel predictable"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear setting descriptions and strong character interactions. However, there are a few points to critique.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the atmosphere. For example, when describing Rose's room, the scene mentions a stuffed lion and ballerina music box. These items could be incorporated into the scene more visually to strengthen the description, rather than just being mentioned.

Secondly, the transition from Rose and Chris's bedroom to the hallway with Dean could be smoother. We don't see them leave or establish where they're going next, which could be a bit disorienting for the audience.

Lastly, the conversation between Dean and Chris about Jesse Owens feels a bit forced. It's unclear why this topic would come up in casual conversation, especially since it's not relevant to the plot. This could detract from the realism of the scene.

Overall, these are minor critiques, and the scene is well-structured with clear character dynamics.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from more character development and conflict. One way to do this would be to add more backstory to Rose and Chris's relationship - perhaps they have a history of not being entirely truthful with each other, or one of them has a secret that is revealed during the scene. Additionally, it may be interesting to add some tension between Chris and the Armitage family - perhaps he picks up on some odd behavior or comments that make him feel uncomfortable, and this could be a source of conflict throughout the rest of the movie. Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and mood of the Armitage house - for example, describing the lighting or decor could add a layer of depth to the setting.



Scene 7 -  The Backyard
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. BACKYARD - LATE AFTERNOON

The yard is huge and the woods beyond it ominous. The wind
RUSHES through the trees. Dean leads Chris out through the
yard towards a gazebo.

DEAN
Smell that...? Space! I love it.
I’m tellin’ you, the nearest house
is practically on the other side of
the lake. It’s total privacy out
here.

Chris is distracted by Walter who prepares the lawn mower in
the distance.

DEAN (CONT’D)
I know what you’re thinking.


Chris looks at him.

DEAN (CONT’D)
White family; black servants. Total
cliche.

CHRIS
I wasn’t gonna go there.
22.


DEAN
You didn’t have to. Trust me, I
know. We hired them a few years ago
to help care for my parents;
they’re like part of the family
now. Couldn’t bear to let them go.
I hate the way it looks though...

CHRIS
Yeah, I know what you mean.

DEAN
And by the way, I would’ve voted
for Obama a third term if I
could’ve. Best president in my
lifetime. Hands down.

Chris smirks.

CHRIS
I agree.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Dean and Chris walk to a gazebo in the huge, private backyard. They discuss the cliche of having black servants and Dean's support for Obama.
Strengths "The scene contrasts the beauty of the location with a conversation that harbors uncomfortable implications. The dialogue between Chris and Dean creates tension and foreshadows future conflict."
Weaknesses "There is very little action or overt conflict in this scene. It relies heavily on dialogue."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene. The description of the backyard and the ominous woods sets a mood and the dialogue between Dean and Chris provides some exposition. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

First, the dialogue feels a bit on the nose and expository. For example, when Dean mentions the white family/black servants cliche, it feels forced and like the writer is trying too hard to address a social issue. The same goes for the exchange about voting for Obama.

Second, the scene doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose in terms of moving the story forward. It's possible that this scene could be cut or shortened without impacting the rest of the script.

Overall, I would suggest trying to make the dialogue more natural and finding a way to tie this scene more directly to the plot.
Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to lack a clear purpose or objective. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Establish a clear objective for the characters in the scene. Why are they in the backyard? What do they want to accomplish? This will help drive the conversation and add tension and conflict to the scene.

2. Consider adding more sensory detail to the backyard setting. How does it look, smell, and sound? This will help establish atmosphere and mood, and make the scene more immersive for the reader.

3. Think about how the actions of Walter (the lawn mower) could be incorporated into the scene to add interest and conflict. For example, if the noise of the lawn mower is interfering with their conversation, this could cause tension between Dean and Chris.

4. Consider adding more depth to Dean's character. Why does he feel the need to justify the presence of black servants in his family's employ? Is he genuinely progressive, or is he trying to cover up a darker truth? Giving your characters inner conflicts and contradictions will make them more interesting and believable.

5. Finally, try to end the scene on a note of higher tension or conflict. This will make the reader more curious to see what happens next. For example, if Dean and Chris begin to argue about race or politics, this could lead into a more dramatic scene later on in the script.



Scene 8 -  Family Gathering
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. OUTDOOR PATIO - DAY

Dean, Missy, Chris and Rose sit with iced teas. Missy stirs
sugar into hers. Walter mows in the distance. Dean views
pictures on Chris’ camera.

DEAN
Wow. Look at that. Isn’t that
something?

He shows Missy a particularly cool photo.


MISSY
Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

DEAN
I love this one.

ROSE
Which one?

Dean turns the camera around and it’s a beautiful picture of
Rose.

CHRIS
That was taken the day we met.

ROSE
I was volunteering at the blood
drive.
23.


MISSY
How long ago was that?

DEAN
So...? Are you guys in love or
what?

ROSE
Really, Dad..?


CHRIS
We’ve been trying to take it slow
but...

Chris blushes. He looks at Rose. Rose can’t help but smile.

MISSY
Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

DEAN
(to Chris)
And what do your parents do?

CHRIS
My Dad was never really in the
picture. My mom passed away when I
was 11... Hit and run.

MISSY
How did she die?

CHRIS
Hit and Run.

MISSY DEAN
Oh, that’s awful. Sorry to hear that.

DEAN (CONT’D)
So young too.

CHRIS
--Actually I don’t remember a whole
lot from that time.

MISSY
It’s okay. We don’t need to talk
about that.

Missy stirs her glass. The spoon hits the side of the glass
creating a small...

TING TING TING TING
24.


Chris and Missy share a comforting look. They have an
unspoken connection.


Chris scratches the table nervously. Missy notices.

DEAN
You smoke Chris?

CHRIS
I’m quitting.

ROSE
This is why I stopped bringing guys
around.

MISSY
It’s okay, I’m not judging.

DEAN
Ugly habit though. You should have
Missy take care of that for you.

CHRIS
How?

DEAN
Hypnosis. She’s developed her own
system. It works like a charm.

CHRIS
Oh. Wow. Um...

ROSE
Believe it or not, some people
don’t want strangers all up in
their heads.

DEAN
I thought the whole thing was bull
shit too. I smoked for 15 years.
She puts me under once, now the
sight one makes me wanna vomit.


MISSY
Fall back, Dean.

CHRIS
I’m good, actually. Thank you
though.
25.


MISSY
Of course. I’m available for the
next two days if you change your
mind...

Georgina brings the pitcher of iced tea around and refills
everyone’s glass. She smiles and avoids eye contact.

DEAN
Smoker or not, we’re just glad you
could join us for the big get-
together.

ROSE
Oh shit. That’s this weekend?

CHRIS
What’s the get-together?

MISSY
Rose’s grandfather’s party.

DEAN
My Dad threw a shindig for his
friends once a year. Bocce ball,
horseshoes, badminton.


ROSE
It’s basically a bunch of rich old
people playing lawn games. Why
didn’t you tell me?

MISSY
It’s the same day every year
sweetheart.
(To Chris)
We kept it going after they died.
Makes us feel like they’re here
with us.

Georgina’s expression glazes over. Her head cocks a little,
and subtle flashes of fear cross her face. No one notices.

ROSE
I just wanted to bring him up on a
chill weekend.

CHRIS
Sounds like fun, actually.

Georgina has been pouring Chris’ drink too long and his glass
has overflown.
26.


MISSY
(concerned)
Georgina.

Georgina snaps out of her daze and starts to clean.

GEORGINA
I’m sorry. Look what I’ve done.
What a nincompoop.

MISSY
It’s fine, George. Just leave it.

GEORGINA
Oh, I can’t leave that there.

MISSY
--Yes you can. Why don’t you go lie
down.

GEORGINA
I think I will.

Georgina nods, smiles and walks away. Chris and Rose look at
Dean. That was odd. Dean shrugs.

JEREMY (O.S.)
What’s up, FAM?!?

MISSY
Jeremy’s home.

JEREMY, 29, rounds the house with open arms. He’s “Rich kid
intense”; handsome with an unpredictable wildness behind his
eyes.

JEREMY
Who answers the door around here?!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Chris and Rose enjoy a family gathering with Rose's parents and brother while tensions arise. They talk about Chris’ photography and his relationship with Rose, as well as some awkward moments, including Dean’s offer to hypnotize Chris and Georgina’s malfunction. The family is excited for the annual get-together and welcomes Chris despite hints of conflict.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension with hints of conflict and the characters' subtle facial expressions."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels too forced, especially when they bring up hypnosis and it feels out of place for the setting."
Critique The scene does a good job of establishing the main characters and their relationships with each other. However, it lacks clear direction in terms of the plot. It is unclear what this scene is setting up for the rest of the story. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened to increase its pacing and make it more engaging for the audience. Overall, the scene serves its purpose but could benefit from stronger storytelling elements.
Suggestions The scene is well-written and provides some insight into the characters and their relationships. However, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give the characters more action: The scene is mostly just characters sitting and talking. Consider adding more action or movement to keep the audience engaged. For example, have the characters playing one of the lawn games that are mentioned, or have them walking around the garden while they talk.

2. Include more conflict: The scene feels a bit too comfortable and amicable. Introduce more conflict between the characters, even if it's just minor disagreements.

3. Add foreshadowing: The film is a horror movie, so it's important to add elements of foreshadowing to build tension. Find ways to hint at the spooky events that will occur later in the story. For example, include shots of the dark forest surrounding the house or have the characters hear strange noises in the distance.

4. Develop the supporting characters: Georgina and Jeremy are interesting characters, but they don't have much to do in this scene. Find ways to flesh out their personalities and give them more agency in the story.

5. Cut down on exposition: The characters spend a lot of time talking about their pasts, which can slow the pacing of the scene. Try to reveal information about the characters more subtly, through their actions and dialogue.

Overall, the scene has a strong foundation, but it could benefit from more action, conflict, and foreshadowing.



Scene 9 -  Dinner with the Family
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ARMITAGE DINING ROOM - LATER/NIGHT

Everyone but Rose laughs. She holds her face in
embarrassment.

Dean pours the remainder of a bottle of wine into Chris’
glass. Their meal is done and they are tipsy.

ROSE
Okay, enough.

JEREMY
“Enough?” We’re just getting
started. Let’s see. What else?
(MORE)
27.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
What else? Did she tell you about
her toenail collection?

ROSE
Oh my God!!!

CHRIS
What?

JEREMY
She’d bite em off with her teeth
and suck on them and save them in
her jewelry box.

ROSE
No I didn’t.

JEREMY
Yes you did, liar.

Rose throws her napkin at Jeremy as he pops the cork on a new
bottle. Dean and Missy try not to laugh.

CHRIS
That’s really disgusting.

ROSE
(to Jeremy)
I hate you so much.

JEREMY
(to Rose)
Love you too.
(to Chris)
Oh, okay. Here’s a good one. Let me
set the scene. It was our junior
year and Rose has a crush on this
guy Conner Garfield.

ROSE
--No. Mom.

MISSY
Jeremy...

CHRIS
No, no... These are good. I wanna
hear this.

DEAN
Manners, Rose. Give the guest what
he wants.

He winks at Rose warmly.
28.


JEREMY
SO, Conner’s from my lacrosse team.
Huge kid, like 6’3”, and pretty
dumb, right? We threw a party--

ROSE
You threw a party.

JEREMY
--I think my parents were in Greece
or something. We raided their
liquor cabinet and we’re all shit-
faced. Like 15 of us.

MISSY
Ha! No you weren’t. Were you?

JEREMY
We put water in the bottles so you
wouldn’t know. Let me finish. So
I’m upstairs in my parents’
bathroom hooking up with Jean
Deely, hottest girl in our class.

MISSY
Ugh.

ROSE
You realize you’re coming off like
a douche right now, right?

JEREMY
Thanks. All of a sudden Connor
starts banging on the bathroom
door, right? I open it, and he’s
got blood gushing out of his mouth
and he’s screaming “Your thith-ter
bit my fuckin’ thongue off!!!!”

CHRIS
Whoa, what?

JEREMY
Sure enough, there is a centimeter
of tongue meat missing right here.

Jeremy demonstrates and Chris winces.

CHRIS
(to Rose)
Ahhhh! You bit him?
29.


ROSE
He cornered me and shoved his
tongue in my mouth, so yeah.

CHRIS
That’s badass.

DEAN
I never heard about that.

JEREMY
I made him clean up the blood.

Jeremy locks into Chris, intensely.

MISSY
Well, I’m going to see how dessert
is coming along.
(To Dean)
Maybe we can change the
conversation to something a little
lighter.

Missy walks out of the dining room into the kitchen. The
door swings open and Chris gets a glimpse of Georgina who
stands in a daze looking at the ceiling. The door swings
shut.


DEAN
Chris, what’s your sport?
Football...? Baseball?

CHRIS
Ah, Basketball, I guess. I don’t
know; not really into sports
though.

JEREMY
You an MMA fan?

ROSE
Dude.

JEREMY
What?

DEAN
She’s right. Let someone else talk
for a bit.
30.


JEREMY
He’s dating my sister! You’ve had
your chance; I can’t bond with the
guy?

Dean exhales.

CHRIS
You mean like UFC? Yeah, nah. Too
brutal for me.

JEREMY
You ever get into street fights as
a kid?

CHRIS
Not really. I did take Judo for
after-school in 1st grade.

ROSE
Awww.

JEREMY
Cause, with your frame, your
genetic make-up? If you pushed
your body, I mean really trained,
you’d be a fucking beast.

The kitchen door swings open again, and Missy walks back in
with a perfect carrot cake. Georgina is gone.

MISSY
What’d I miss?

ROSE
A lot of nothing.

JEREMY
We’re talking about sports.
(to Chris)
See the thing about jiu-jitsu, is
that strength doesn’t matter. All
that matters is this.


Jeremy points to his head and stares Chris down.

JEREMY (CONT’D)
It’s a strategic game like chess.
It’s all about being two, three,
even four moves ahead.

CHRIS
Cool.
31.


JEREMY
Stand up. Let me show you
something.

MISSY
No karate at the dinner table.

JEREMY
It’s not karate.

He stumbles a little towards Chris and tries to put him in a
headlock. Chris stands.

CHRIS
I’ve got a rule. I don’t play-fight
with drunk dudes.

JEREMY
I’m just--

DEAN
--Alright enough, Jeremy.

Dean is loud and stern for the first time. Jeremy’s eyes
flutter, DRUNK and embarrassed.

JEREMY
I wasn’t going to hurt him.

He grabs a wine bottle and goes upstairs...

DEAN
Well... one more bottle?
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Chris and Rose have dinner with her family. The family engages in playful banter and jokes, but tensions arise as hints of conflict due to Chris's race start to show. Conversation topics include Chris' photography, his relationship with Rose, and the family's history of owning black servants. Jeremy embarrasses himself by talking about street fighting and Jiu-Jitsu, leading Dean to shut down the conversation.
Strengths "The scene is well-written with good dialogue and character interaction, particularly between Chris and Rose. The tension and hint of underlying conflict in the scene add depth."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from stronger emotional impact. The story could also have used further development of the conflict and theme."
Critique This scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character, but there are a few areas that could be improved upon. Firstly, the scene feels a little long and could benefit from some trimming. Secondly, the tone of the scene seems to be all over the place. It starts off light and funny, but then takes a dark turn with the mention of Rose’s toenail collection and the story about Connor Garfield. It’s unclear whether the shift in tone is intentional or not. Additionally, some of the characters' actions are a little unrealistic and inconsistent. For example, Missy seems to be oblivious to what is happening with Georgina, despite being her caretaker, and Jeremy’s sudden aggression towards Chris seems to come out of nowhere and doesn't make much sense in the context of the scene. Overall, there is potential in this scene, but it would benefit from some tightening up and more focus on the character's motivations and actions.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Make the conflict clearer: The scene needs a more defined conflict to keep the audience hooked. One way to do this is to highlight the tension between Rose and Jeremy, rather than just having them bicker back and forth. Perhaps there could be a past incident between them that is revealed, or Jeremy could be intentionally provoking Rose in order to get a reaction out of her.

2. Add more subtext: The dialogue could benefit from some subtext - unspoken motivations or emotions underlying what the characters are saying. For example, maybe Rose is actually hurt and angry that Jeremy is revealing embarrassing stories about her, but covering it up with humor. By adding subtext, the scene becomes richer and more layered.

3. Use action to reveal character: Instead of having characters just talk about themselves, have their actions reveal their character. For instance, maybe Jeremy could be fidgeting nervously with his wine glass as he talks about jiu-jitsu, suggesting that he's not as confident as he's trying to come across. Or maybe Rose could subtly roll her eyes or shake her head when Jeremy talks, indicating her annoyance.

4. Cut unnecessary exposition: Some of the dialogue in this scene feels unnecessary and could be trimmed. For example, the exchange about Connor Garfield and the missing tongue meat feels gratuitous and doesn't add much to the scene or the characters. By cutting this kind of dialogue, the scene becomes more focused and impactful.



Scene 10 -  Nighttime Tensions
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THE ESTATE. NIGHT

Full moon. CRICKETS.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chris lays in Rose’s bed looking at Rose’s computer. Rose
brushes her teeth in the bathroom. She says something
unintelligible.

ROSE
I mean, he was going to put you in
a headlock? What the fuck! He’s
never talked to any of my
boyfriends like that.

CHRIS
Mmm hmm.
32.


Chris smiles.

ROSE
And my Dad! He must’ve called you
“My man” eight times today. Eight.

CHRIS
Yep.

ROSE
Even my Mom is like borderline rude
to Georgina, right? Chris, what the
fuck?!?


Chris bites his tongue.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Well?

CHRIS
I told you so.

Rose pouts.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I wasn’t going to say it.

ROSE
Chris.

CHRIS
Come here.

Rose comes to him.

ROSE
How are you so calm?

CHRIS
Honestly. It could be so much
worse. At least they’re trying.

ROSE
They are. They love you.

CHRIS
I can tell. At the end of the day,
that’s more than can be said for a
lot of people.

He pulls her on top of him.
33.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
I like you on your racial flow tho.

They kiss.

ROSE
I’m worried about tomorrow. The
party? What if it gets worse?

CHRIS
I’m good. How bad could it be?

Chris pulls her on top of him and she kisses him.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’re minty.

They kiss again.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You know, with my genetic makeup...

They wrestle and she pulls off her shirt.


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - NIGHT

All the lights are off in the house. Crickets chirp.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - LATER

Rose sleeps, but Chris is wide awake. There’s a buzz in his
ear. He smacks his own head and sits up. A stuffed lion seems
to watch Chris from atop her dresser. He turns it away. A
soft HOWL of WIND rushes through the room. The CLOSET DOOR
CREEKS open.

Chris’ eyes drift to the pack of cigarettes sticking out of
his camera bag pocket draped on the desk chair.


INT. ARMITAGE HOME - NIGHT

Chris leaves Rose’s room and walks down the dark hallway. A
floorboard creaks under his feet. He turns down the stairs.


INT. ARMITAGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Chris gets to the bottom of the stairs. Chris continues to
walk down the hallway past the pictures towards the kitchen.
34.


INT. ARMITAGE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Chris walks through the kitchen and continues out back door
of the house.


EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

Chris steps out the back door and takes a cigarette out.
Chris looks into the vast night around him. The CRICKETS are
deafening.


Suddenly, Chris hears a RUNNING NOISE in the distance. Chris
peers out into the darkness. A moment of terror comes over
Chris. He makes out a shape. It’s now running towards him.
Chris backs up in fear. It gets closer and closer. When it’s
just 10 feet away, the moonlight reveals a now very close
Walter, the grounds keeper who continues running by. Chris
gathers his breath.

Chris turns back towards the kitchen window lights up from
inside. He finds himself face to face with Georgina who,
with teeth exposed in a frightening grimace, glares through
the window dead in Chris’ eyes. He drops his cigarette.
Caught.


INT. ARMITAGE LAUNDRY ROOM - NIGHT

Georgina sucks her teeth. She doesn’t actually see Chris at
all. She examines her teeth in the reflection in the window
which, front lit, reflects her and the room around her.
Outside is invisible.


EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Chris realizes he’s not caught. Close call. Inside Georgina
begins to do laundry. Chris quietly sneaks around the house.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Chris and Rose have a tense conversation about her family's behavior. Later that night, Chris sneaks around the estate and has a close call with Georgina.
Strengths "The scene builds tension well, with hints of conflict and a sense of impending danger. The characters are well-defined and their personalities are consistent."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose, especially with regards to the racial themes. The scene could benefit from a bit more subtlety in its foreshadowing."
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and builds up suspense effectively, but there are a few areas where the dialogue could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Rose and Chris at the beginning of the scene feels somewhat unnecessary. It doesn't add much to the plot or character development, and could potentially be cut down or reworked to make it more interesting.

Additionally, in some parts the dialogue feels a bit on the nose, particularly when Chris says "I told you so" and later when he says "They love you." These lines feel a little too much like exposition, and could be improved by being more subtle or nuanced.

However, the scene does a good job of building up tension through its use of suspenseful music and sound effects, particularly with the creaking closet door and the howling wind. These elements help to keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene, and create a sense of unease and danger.

Overall, the scene has some areas for improvement, but it effectively builds tension and suspense, making it a strong and effective part of the overall screenplay.
Suggestions First, I would suggest adding more description of the characters and setting to help with visualization. Also, the dialogue could be more natural and reflective of how people actually speak. Finally, there could be more tension and foreshadowing throughout the scene, such as setting up the groundskeeper's running earlier or hinting at Georgina's strange behavior.



Scene 11 -  Late Night Encounter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ARMITAGE HALLWAY - NIGHT

Chris sneaks in through the door in the dark dining room.
Chris moves down the hallway past Missy’s office. The desk
lamp turns on. Missy sits inside drinking a cup of tea.

MISSY
Do you know how dangerous smoking
is, Chris?

Chris is startled; caught; for real this time.
35.


CHRIS
Yeah. Yeah I do.

MISSY
You alright?

CHRIS
Yeah, why?

MISSY
You seem a little jumpy, nervous.

CHRIS
I’m not nervous. That dude Walter
running out there scared me. And
Georg--

Georgina comes by with a teapot.

GEORGINA
Can I get you a cup.

CHRIS
Nah, I’m good. It’ll keep me up.

MISSY
Come in.

Chris comes in.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Chris sneaks around the estate at night and encounters Missy in her office. Missy questions him about his behavior and seems to suspect something is off. Georgina offers Chris tea and Missy invites him to come inside.
Strengths "The tension and suspicion between Missy and Chris adds to the overall sense of unease and danger. Georgina's offer of tea also adds to the unsettling nature of the scene, as it's unclear whether she's being friendly or manipulative. "
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and sharp. The scene could benefit from more overt hints of the underlying danger, rather than relying on subtle cues and insinuations."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine the context of the scene or if it follows a cohesive story. However, here are some general notes that a screenwriting expert might suggest based on this scene alone:

- The scene lacks clear objectives or conflict. There is no clear goal or tension in the interaction between Chris and Missy.
- The dialogue feels stiff and lacks subtext. The characters are stating exactly what they mean and there's no room for interpretation or nuance.
- The description of the scene doesn't add much visual interest or atmosphere. There's no sensory detail that sets the mood or immerses the audience in the world.
- The characters' motivations or emotional states aren't well-established. Chris is described as being startled and nervous, but we don't know why he's sneaking around or what he's feeling beyond that.
- The pacing of the scene feels slow. There's a lot of dialogue that doesn't move the story or characters forward, and even the action (Chris walking down a hallway) is described in a way that doesn't build tension or momentum.

Overall, this scene could benefit from clearer objectives, more engaging dialogue with subtext, and stronger sensory detail to create a more vibrant setting. Additionally, the scene should establish the characters' motivations and emotional states to give the audience a reason to care about what's happening. Finally, the pacing should be tightened up to keep the story moving forward.
Suggestions 1. Add description and atmosphere:
Consider adding more details about the hallway, the lighting, and the overall atmosphere of the scene to create tension and suspense. This will make the scene more engaging for the audience.

2. Clarify motivations:
Why is Chris sneaking around? Is he trying to avoid getting caught by Missy? Is he searching for something? It's not clear in this version of the scene, so adding more clarity to Chris's motivations will help the audience understand him better.

3. Develop character interaction:
It would be good to see more interaction between the characters. Right now, the dialogue is a bit straightforward and exposition-heavy. Adding more nuances to their interactions, such as body language and pauses in conversation, can make their interactions more believable and engaging.

4. Add conflict:
Conflict is key in any scene. It would be helpful to see more tension between Chris and Missy, as this would make the scene more compelling. Maybe Missy suspects that Chris is up to something, or maybe Chris is trying to deceive her in some way. Adding more conflict would make the scene more dramatic.

5. Raise stakes:
Finally, consider what is at stake in this scene. Having high stakes will make the audience more invested in what's happening on screen. For instance, if Chris is caught by Missy, what will happen to him? Will she turn him in? Will he be punished in some way? By raising the stakes, the audience will be more invested in the outcome of the scene.



Scene 12 -  Hypnotic Interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MISSY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Georgina Missy and Chris sit across from each other. Georgina
pouring tea pot.

MISSY
I’ve got it Georgina.

GEORGINA
Of course.

Georgina leaves. Missy starts stirring sugar into her tea.


MISSY
They’re both obsessive
compulsive... They get up too
early.

CHRIS
What about you?
36.


MISSY
I just can’t sleep.

CHRIS
Me neither.

MISSY
Is it the bed?

CHRIS
Nah, the bed’s fine.

MISSY
Comfortable enough?

CHRIS
It’s perfect, thanks.

MISSY
Enough sheets?

CHRIS
Yep.

Chris’ scratches the chair. Missy notices.

MISSY
Wanna know how it works?

Missy puts two sugar cubes in her cup. She begins to stir
slowly, CLINKING the SPOON softly and rhythmically against
the sides of the cup.

TinG TINg. TinG tinG.

CHRIS
What, do you swing a pocket watch
in front of people’s faces?

MISSY
You watch a lot of Television. Now,
you are feeling very sleeepy...

TinG tinG. TinG tinG.

They share a smile.

MISSY (CONT’D)
We do use focal points sometimes,
but just about any object or simple
motion can guide someone to a state
of heightened suggestibility.
37.


CHRIS
Heightened suggestibility.

MISSY
That’s right. Why do you wanna try?

CHRIS
Nope. Definitely not for me.

MISSY
I understand. Now do you smoke in
front of Rose?

CHRIS
Huh.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
Yeah, she’s my kid...

CHRIS
Yeah, I’m gonna quit.

MISSY
What was your relationship with
your mother like?

CHRIS
Um I don’t. Wait, are you?

MISSY
Tell me, it’s alright. What was you
relationship with your mother like?

CHRIS
Yeah... She worked all the time.
She was funny. She loved me.

MISSY
Where were you when she died?

TING TING TING TING

CHRIS
I don’t wanna think about that.

MISSY
The mind goes where it wants to.

CHRIS
Home; watching TV.
38.


MISSY
And what do you hear?

CHRIS
Rain.

MISSY
It’s been raining a while.

CHRIS
Yes.

MISSY
Hear that. Hear the rain. What does
it sound like? Hear it, Hear it...
Find it... Tell me when you find
it.

The sound of RAIN AGAINST a WINDOW slowly fades up along with
the MUFFLED sound of a SITCOM ON TELEVISION.

CHRIS
Okay... Yeah, I found it.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
How old were you?

CHRIS
Eleven.

MISSY
Good. You’re eleven. Now touch.
Feel your surroundings. Feel every
part of your body and what you
touched. Feel it. Find it... Tell
me when you find it...


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

Close on 11 year old Chris’ hands scratches the bed post
nervously.


MISSY (V.O.)
Tell me when you find it.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I found it.

His toes brush the carpet as his dangling legs swing off the
57 side of his bed.
39.


TING TING. TING TING.

PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. - NIGHT

Chris’ feet try to swing but are too long. He scratches the
arm of the chair in Missy’s office.

MISSY
Are you alone?

CHRIS
Yes.

MISSY
Where’s your mom?

CHRIS
She’s late.

MISSY
Well, where is she?

CHRIS
Something’s wrong. She’s still not
home.

MISSY
What did you do?

CHRIS
Nothing.

MISSY
Nothing?

CHRIS
I just sat there.

MISSY
You didn’t call anyone?

CHRIS
No.

MISSY
Your Aunt?

CHRIS
No.

MISSY
Why not?
40.


CHRIS
I don’t know. I thought if I did,
it would make it real.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
Good. Do you see it? Do you see the
phone?

Chris doesn’t answer.

MISSY (CONT’D)
You need to see it. See it. See it.
Find it.

Chris’ continues to scratch the armchair.

TING TING. TING TING


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

11-year-old Chris scratches through the wood on his bed,
splintering a piece of the wood off. He watches TV from his
bed next to some action figures. Chris looks at a telephone.

MISSY (V.O.)
Tell me when--

11-year-old Chris nods.

TING TING. TING TING.


PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. NIGHT

Chris nods and cries.

CHRIS
--I see it.

MISSY
You’re scared.

Chris nods.

MISSY (CONT’D)
(realizing)
You think it was your fault.

Chris nods.

Chris’ hand scratching the chair intensifies.
41.


CHRIS
I can’t move.

MISSY
You can’t move.

He nods.

MISSY (CONT’D)
That’s good. Now sink into the
floor.

CHRIS
Wait I--

MISSY
Sink.

TING TING...

Chris’ hand has compulsively scratched open the arm of the
chair. His hand stops. His mouth drops and eyes open, frozen.


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

...TING TING.

Suddenly, 11-year-old Chris falls through the bed and floor.

END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Chris finds himself in an intense and uncomfortable situation while being hypnotized by Missy as she delves into his past and fears. He falls into a hypnotic state and experiences a vivid flashback to a traumatic event from his childhood.
Strengths "The scene is expertly crafted to build tension and uneasiness through the use of dialogue and sound. The theme of power dynamics and control is developed through the hypnotic interrogation, adding depth to the story."
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the hypnotic induction and interrogation scenes uncomfortable or triggering."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively builds tension and creates a sense of unease. The dialogue is natural and flows well, and the use of flashback adds depth to the character's background and motivations.

One potential critique is that the scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue to convey information and advance the plot. While this works in some cases, there may be opportunities to show rather than tell, using visual cues or actions to reveal character traits or emotions. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, spelling out the characters' motivations or thoughts rather than allowing them to be implied.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene that effectively creates a sense of intrigue and suspense.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Be clearer with your action and description: The scene jumps between past and present quickly, which can make it confusing for the reader. Be specific with what is happening, and try to make the transitions between the two clear.

2. Develop the characters: The dialogue feels a bit forced and doesn't really move the story forward. Spend more time developing the character's backstories and motivations. Give the dialogue more substance.

3. Use visual cues: There's a lot of dialogue and not a lot of visual cues, which can make the scene feel stagnant. Add more description of the characters' movements and how they're interacting with their surroundings.

4. Establish the stakes: What's at stake in this scene? Why is it important? Make sure the audience understands what's at risk and what the characters stand to gain/lose.

5. Simplify where possible: There's a lot going on in this scene, and it can be overwhelming. Try to simplify the dialogue and action where possible, and focus on what's most important.



Scene 13 -  The Sunken Place
  • Overall: 10.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. DARKNESS

Terror. Chris, 26 again, breathes fast but falls in slow
motion though darkness as if through water

He flails towards a pitch black abyss. He’s illuminated by
the fading blue flicker of a large downward facing TV-like
screen. On it Missy sits speaking to him and clinking her
teacup.

Missy’s voice is everywhere.


PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. NIGHT

Chris’ body sits in his chair motionless. He can’t move. His
eyes are wide open, staring straight at Missy.
42.


INT. DARKNESS

Chris continues to slowly fall backwards away from the
screen. All of a sudden his body stops is the space. He turns
upright. He’s frozen in stasis.

CHRIS
No! NO!!! I’m done! Bring me back!
Please!!!!

He looks up. He can still see the screen above but it is far
away, like the mouth of a deep and expansive well.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Bring me back. Bring me back. Bring
me back. Bring me back. Bring me
back. Bring me back. Bring me back.


INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. CONTINUOUS

Missy stands. She walks towards Chris’ motionless body and
looks down at him through his own eyes.


INT. DARKNESS - CONTINUOUS

Chris looks up in the darkness. Missy comes towards him until
her face is close to the screen.

CHRIS
Mrs. Armitage!!!

MISSY
Now you are in the Sunken Place.

Missy reaches towards the screen and shuts his eyelids. The
abyss goes almost completely dark. Now he’s alone in the
dark. He cries in terror.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAWN

Chris wakes up with a start in Rose’s bed, sweaty and
heaving. He’s alone and confused. Bad dream? Headache.

The shower runs inside Rose’s bathroom. SHE hums.

DING DING, DING DING

He’s gotten a message. It’s a picture of Rod pretending to
pour beer in Sid’s mouth. Chris smiles. The batteries are
low. He plugs his phone in and puts it on the dresser.
43.


EXT. WOODS - DAWN

It’s Golden hour. Beautiful. Chris walks through the yard to
the edge of the forest with his camera.

Chris keeps walking. He looks through a long-zoom lens into
the wilderness. He sees a bird and snaps a picture.


EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING

He walks from the woods towards to the house. Georgina can be
seen through an upstairs window knitting. Chris raises his
camera. She stands and begins admiring herself in a mirror.
She’s beautiful. She begins to remove her wig. Then as if
aware she’s being watched, she turns towards him. Chris turns
away, taking a picture in another direction. He glances back
at the window. Georgina is gone.

Chris sees Walter working about 50 feet away in the yard. He
walks towards Walter.

CHRIS
What’s up?

No response.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
They working you good out here,
huh?

WALTER
Nothing I don’t want to be doing.

Walter is different than we’d expect. He has a bold and
assaulting energy. Like he’s concealing a deep loathing with
over the top enthusiasm. Chilling. Chris is instantly taken
aback.

CHRIS
Yeah... I never really got to meet
you actually, up close. I’m Chris.

WALTER
I know who you are. You’re Rose’s
friend.

CHRIS
Yeah. Her boyfriend actually.So,
where you from originally?

WALTER
She is lovely isn’t she?
44.


CHRIS
Rose? Yeah, she is...

WALTER
One of a kind; top of the line. A
real doggone keeper.

CHRIS
Right.

WALTER
And did it work?

CHRIS
Did what work?

WALTER
You were in Mrs. Armitage’s office
for quite some time.

CHRIS
I don’t...

Chris remembers.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Oh, yeah. Actually, I guess I had
too much wine last night. I don’t
really remember much.

WALTER
Well, I should get back to work,
and mind my own business.

Chris turns and walks away. He takes out a cigarette and puts
it in his mouth. He spits it out. Nasty.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris finds himself in an intense and uncomfortable situation while being hypnotized by Missy as she delves into his past and fears.
Strengths
  • Strong use of suspense and tension
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clarity in some scenes
Critique There are several aspects of this scene that could benefit from improvement.

Firstly, the transition from the darkness to present day could be clearer. The sudden shift to "PRESENT DAY" without any indication can be confusing for the audience.

Secondly, the dialogue between Chris and Walter feels forced and unnatural. It's unclear what the purpose of this conversation is, and the sudden shift in tone from friendly small talk to chilling aggression feels out of place.

Thirdly, the description of Georgina admiring herself in the mirror comes across as objectifying, as it reduces her character to her physical appearance.

Finally, the scene as a whole lacks specificity and detail. There is no sense of setting or atmosphere, which makes it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the story. Providing more sensory details and making the setting more vivid could help to immerse the audience in the scene.
Suggestions Firstly, there needs to be more clarity about what is happening in the scene. It starts off with Chris falling through darkness and then suddenly cuts to him sitting motionless in Missy's office. This transition needs to be smoother and the audience needs to understand that Chris is in some sort of dream-like state.

Additionally, the dialogue between Chris and Walter feels forced and unnatural. It could be improved by making their conversation more subtle and nuanced, rather than simply having Walter ask Chris about his visit to Missy's office and then making strange comments about Rose.

Finally, the transition between the dark abyss and Chris waking up in Rose's bed feels sudden and confusing. It would benefit from a clearer indication that he is waking up from a dream.

Overall, the scene needs more clarity and subtlety in its storytelling to make it more effective for the audience.



Scene 14 -  Hypnosis and Golf
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Chris enters as Rose finishes blow drying her hair. He’s
worked up.

ROSE
Hi. Where have you been?

CHRIS
Out. Taking pictures. Hey, I think
your mom hypnotized me last night.

ROSE
Wait, what?
45.


CHRIS
(hazy)
Yeah, I must’ve gone out for some
air and run into her. I can barely
remember any of it, but now the
thought of a cigarette makes me
wanna throw up.

Rose tries to hide slight amusement.

ROSE
I’m sorry. I just can’t believe she
did that.

CHRIS
I had some fucked up dreams.

ROSE
Of what?

CHRIS
I was in a hole or something. I
couldn’t move.

ROSE
That happened to me too. When I was
a kid. She hypnotized me
once for stage fright, and I had
the craziest nightmares. It did
work though...

CHRIS
Yeah. Yeah, it worked. Hey, what’s
Walter’s deal?

ROSE
What do mean?

WALTER
I just talked to him. Dude’s whole
vibe was hostile.

ROSE
What do you mean?

CHRIS
I don’t know. Maybe he likes you.
Maybe he’s jealous or something?

ROSE
I’ve never gotten that... But, if
you think I have a chance..

Chris looks at her.
46.


ROSE (CONT’D)
I’ll talk to my Dad about it.

CHRIS
No, no, no. Don’t talk to your Dad.
It’s fine. It’s fine.

ROSE
I like that you’re threatened by
him.

CHRIS
I’m not threatened.

Rose hears and looks. Out the window, A PROCESSION OF CARS
DRIVES onto the front yard. Chris looks as well.

ROSE
Okay. Here we go; It begins...


EXT. BACKYARD - NOON

The party is in full swing. The 30 or so guests mingle
excitedly. They are all white except for one Japanese man. A
few play horse shoes. Georgina places Hors d’oeuvres.

Rose and Chris walk through the party.

Chris glances through the kitchen window where Missy
entertains some guests. She makes eye contact with Chris and
then looks away.

Chris and Rose are stopped by GORDON GREENE, 68, and his wife
EMILY GREENE, 67. Gordon is a cute man with a cane and
impish excitement. Emily is pretty and birdlike. They watch
Chris intently and smile from ear to ear. Gordon shakes
Chris’ hand thoroughly.

GORDON
Nice to meet you, Chris. Nice to
meet you indeed.
(to Emily)
Good grip.

CHRIS
Thanks. You too.

GORDON
You ever play golf?

CHRIS
Once, actually; a few years ago. I
wasn’t very good.
47.


EMILY
Gordon was a professional golfer
for years.

CHRIS
Oh? No kidding.

GORDON
Can’t quite swing the hips like I
used to though. You know: I know
Tiger.

Rose and Chris share a subtle smirk.

ROSE CHRIS
Wow, that’s great. Cool.

EMILY
Gordon loves Tiger.

GORDON
Best I’ve ever seen. Ever, hands
down. Let’s see your form.

Chris humors him.

GORDON (CONT’D)
If I knew what I know now at your
age? Now then I could really play.

CHRIS
It’d be kind of a waste of time
travel though.

They laugh.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary After a close encounter with Georgina, Chris has an uncomfortable hypnotic session with Missy, during which he vividly relives a traumatic event. Later, Chris discusses his experience with Rose before they go to her family's party. At the party, Chris is introduced to more of her family members, including Gordon, a former golfer, and his wife Emily.
Strengths "The tension and discomfort in Chris' hypnotic session are effectively conveyed to the audience, and the scene with Gordon and Emily is a good example of how the family members are both charming and unsettling at the same time."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a little generic or forced, particularly in Chris' conversation with Rose."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. Here are a few notes and suggestions:

- The dialogue feels natural and realistic, and each character has a distinct voice. This is especially important in a script, where there are no visuals to help establish character traits.
- The use of body language and descriptive language is effective in helping to visualize the scene. For example, Rose "tries to hide slight amusement" and Gordon has an "impish excitement."
- One potential issue is that there isn't much conflict or tension in the scene. While it's important to establish a sense of normalcy before introducing conflict, it could be beneficial to raise the stakes earlier on.
- Another potential issue is that there is a lot of exposition and backstory being shared through dialogue. While this is important information for the audience to know, it might feel a bit forced to have characters discussing it so explicitly. One way to address this could be to show some of these events in flashbacks or through visual cues.
- Finally, it's worth noting that there are a few typos and errors in the script (e.g. "What do mean?" instead of "What do you mean?"). While this might seem nitpicky, it's important to have a polished, professional-looking script in order to be taken seriously as a writer.
Suggestions 1. Add more descriptive action lines to create a clear visual for the scene.
2. Develop a stronger conflict between Chris and Rose's relationship and Walter to create tension.
3. Create more of a buildup towards the arrival of the party guests to create anticipation and tension.
4. Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to reveal underlying emotions and thoughts.
5. Add more character development for Gordon and Emily to create a more memorable impression.



Scene 15 -  Party Small Talk and Racial Insensitivities
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose speak to NELSON DEETS, 82, who’s smiles in a
wheelchair with an oxygen mask, and LISA DEETS, 54, a loose-
lipped trophy wife smiles at Chris in a predatory manner. She
has a Dutch accent.


LISA
(to Rose)
How handsome is he?

ROSE
Extremely.

Lisa squeezes Chris’ bicep. A bit too familiar.
48.


LISA
Not bad huh, Nelson?

Nelson just stares.

LISA (CONT’D)
(to Rose)
So, is it true? The love making. Is
it better?


Rose cackles at the bluntness of the question. Chris almost
chokes on his drink. Lisa continues to size Chris up.

CHRIS
Wow. Um...

LISA
(to Rose)
I’m being too forward?

ROSE
We’ll talk later.

CHRIS
Oh, will you now?


EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose talk to PARKER DRAY, 60, and APRIL DRAY, 57.
They are a rose-cheeked tipsy wasp couple. Chris and Rose try
to mask boredom and annoyance.

APRIL
Who even cares about skin color? My
God.

CHRIS
A lot of people do.--

PARKER
I told you, April. The world cares,
It’s human nature to care. It’s not
like one’s better than the other.
When you look at the big picture,
you’ll see its always shifting. The
question of “What skin color is
more “culturally advantageous” that
is.

ROSE
I’m sorry... What are you saying?
49.


PARKER
Well take this country. Fairer skin
has been in favor the first couple
of hundreds of years, but the
pendulum has swung back again
hasn't it..? Black is “in fashion!”

CHRIS
Pardon me. I’m going to take some
pictures.

Chris walks away.

PARKER
I didn’t mean to offend him.

ROSE
Really? ‘Cause you have yet to say
anything that’s not a convoluted
blanket statement about race.

PARKER
Now Rose...

Chris steps into the party to take pictures. He snaps a
couple pictures of mingling guests. HE hears a group cackle.

He sees Dean schmoozing animatedly with three couples and the
Japanese man. Dean quickly scans the party, finds Chris and
points him out. The three couples wave and smile giddily.
They had all just been talking about him. Chris pretends to
not see this.

Suddenly, Chris sees another black guy in a particularly
square ascot and golfing hat. The man stands at the bar and
faces away from Chris. Relief.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Chris and Rose attends Rose's family's party. Chris endures uncomfortable and offensive comments about his race while mingling with the guests. He also discovers that Dean has been gossiping about him with other guests, and encounters another black man at the party.
Strengths "The scene successfully portrays the insensitivities and microaggressions that can occur in social settings. The dialogue is realistic and sharp."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow moving and lacking in excitement or tension. The interactions with the party guests feel repetitive and don't add much to the overall plot."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene. Firstly, it feels disjointed. There is no clear goal or through-line for the conversation between the characters and the dialogue seems to jump around without any clear purpose. This makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.

Additionally, some of the dialogue could be considered insensitive or inappropriate, particularly Lisa's inappropriate physical contact with Chris and her crude question about his love-making abilities. This could make the audience uncomfortable or offended.

Finally, the descriptions of the characters feel a bit stereotypical and one-dimensional, which reduces their impact and makes it harder for the audience to connect with them as real people.

Overall, this scene needs work in terms of character development and pacing in order to feel more engaging and sensitive to its audience.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene lacks a clear purpose or goal. It seems to serve only as an opportunity for random guests to make inappropriate or insensitive comments about race and for Chris to feel uncomfortable. It would benefit from a clearer objective for Chris or Rose, such as trying to gather information or clues about the strange behavior they've been witnessing.

Secondly, the dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, with characters making blunt and tactless statements for no apparent reason. The conversation between Lisa and Chris, in particular, seems to come out of nowhere and serves no purpose in advancing the plot or adding depth to the characters.

Finally, the scene could use more visual descriptions and setting details to help the audience engage with the environment and characters. For example, what does the backyard look like? Are there any interesting decorations or features that could reveal something about the hosts? What do the characters look like and how do they behave physically? Adding these details could make the scene more vivid and engaging for the audience.



Scene 16 -  Party Politics
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER

The man stands by the bar and makes himself a Martini. Chris
approaches him.

CHRIS
It’s good to see another brother
around here.

The man turns to face Chris neatly. It is Andre, the jogger
from the first scene, but he’s very different than before.
He seems glazed-over with the same frozen smile as Walter and
Georgina. Andre’s voice is completely different from the
first scene. There is no longer any trace of an urban
dialect. He speaks slowly and softly, enunciating his words
precisely.
50.


ANDRE
Yes, of course it is.

Chris expects Andre to engage more. He doesn’t. He just
stares at him smiling.

CHRIS
Who do you know?

Chris expects Andre to engage more. He doesn’t. He just
stares at him smiling.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Who do you know?

ANDRE
Why, the Armitage’s of course.
We’re friends of the family.

PHILOMENA(60), Caucasian, a stern and guarded wealthy woman,
cuts between them.

PHILOMENA
(to Andre)
There you are. Here, put this
somewhere.

Philomena hands her napkin to Andre who pockets it
obediently. Philomena places her hand on Andre’s back
possessively.

PHILOMENA (CONT’D)
(to Chris)
Oh, hello. I’m Philomena... and you
are...?

CHRIS
Chris. Rose’s boyfriend.

PHILOMENA
Fantastic. You really make a lovely
couple.

ANDRE
I’m sorry, where are my manners.
Logan, Logan King.
(to Philomena)
Chris was just telling me that he
felt more comfortable with my being
here.


Chris is let down. Andre isn’t what he had hoped.
51.


PHILOMENA
That’s nice. Logan, I hate to tear
you away, dear, but the Wincott’s
were asking about you.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Ah, well it was nice meeting you
Chris.

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris holds out his fist for Andre/Logan to bump.
Andre/Logan grabs Chris’ fist.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Tootles.

Andre/Logan and Philomena laugh and walk away. They join a
small group of people who applaud Andre’s arrival. Andre does
a little spin showing off his clothes.


EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER

Chris comes looking for Rose. He is more creeped out and
agitated. Dean projects over the crowd.

DEAN
Hello!

Everyone applauds and gives Dean their attention.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ahem! If I can have your attention
for a moment. Words cannot express
how much it would mean to my father
that after all these years we can
all still get together like this.

Dean sees Chris.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Oh, actually first, everyone this
is my daughter’s boyfriend Chris.

Everyone turns to Chris. Too much attention.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Chris is a fantastic photographer
and an all around good kid. If you
haven’t met him yet, make sure you
introduce yourself to him at some
time during the party.
52.


Chris sees a man sits alone by the gazebo. His Chauffeur
walks away. Chris walks over to the man as Dean speaks to the
crowd.

DEAN (CONT’D)
You know, if Dad were alive, I know
he would remind us of how the
knights of old would gather in
honor of a new crusade. He’d ask us
to remember that though they’d
massed great fortunes, the Templar
lived lives of humility. So as we
gather here today in celebration,
let us not forget that our mission
is far from over. In fact it’s just
beginning. And in the years to come
let us not forget the sacrifices
that have been made so long ago so
that we might enjoy this wine, and
these games. So for now let us
drink to the dawn of a new era. One
that has been given to us by the
generations before us. Thank you.
Cheers.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror"]

Summary Chris attends Rose's family's party and endures uncomfortable and racist comments while mingling with the guests before having an awkward encounter with Andre, who has been brainwashed and speaks in a much different way than before. Chris also has a run-in with Dean, who publicly introduces him to the party guests.
Strengths "Expertly portrays the oppressive and uncomfortable atmosphere of the party. The differences in Andre's behavior from his previous appearance adds to the mystery and horror of the story. The tension and conflict between Chris and the party guests is palpable."
Weaknesses "The dialogue feels a bit expositional, especially with Dean's speech. Some of the characters feel a bit one-dimensional."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively establishes the unsettling tone that pervades the film. However, there are a few areas that could be strengthened:

1. The dialogue between Chris and Andre feels repetitive. Both of Chris's questions are identical, and Andre's responses are nearly identical as well. This can make the interaction feel stagnant and dull.

2. The introduction of Philomena feels abrupt, and her dialogue is a little heavy-handed. Her possessive behavior towards Andre is clearly meant to be creepy, but it feels like it's being hammered home a little too hard.

3. The dialogue from Dean at the end of the scene is a bit too on-the-nose, and doesn't feel particularly natural. It's clearly meant to foreshadow the events to come, but could use a little more finesse.

Overall, the scene is effective at establishing the eerie atmosphere of the film, but could benefit from a little more nuance in the dialogue.
Suggestions 1. Show rather than tell: The scene is heavy on exposition and as a result, falls flat. Rather than just having characters introduce themselves and state their relationship to one another, there should be more visual cues to help the audience understand the dynamics between characters and their social status. For example, Philomena could be shown to be the head of the party and have people defer to her.

2. Lack of conflict: The scene doesn't have any real conflict or tension, which makes it boring. Chris should have a clear goal in mind when he approaches Andre/Logan and should face some sort of obstacle in achieving it. Additionally, there could be some sort of tension between Chris and Philomena, or Chris and Dean, to add more layers to the scene.

3. Characterization: The character of Andre/Logan seems one-dimensional and lacking in depth. There should be more hints at his true nature for the audience to pick up on, rather than just having him speak in a different tone of voice. Likewise, the other characters in the scene could be fleshed out more so they don't come across as flat stereotypes.

4. Dialogue: The dialogue in the scene needs work, particularly in terms of being more natural and realistic. The characters all seem to speak in a very stilted and formal manner, which can be off-putting to the audience.

5. Visuals: Lastly, the scene could benefit from more interesting and dynamic visuals. Rather than just having characters standing around speaking, there could be more movement and action to keep the scene visually engaging. This would also help to create a more immersive atmosphere for the audience.



Scene 17 -  The Game
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. GAZEBO. DAY.

During Dean’s speech, Chris wanders away from the group.

JIM
Ignorance...

Chris hadn’t seen Jim Hudson, the blind man, who sits in
front of the gazebo with his seeing eye dog. He is close to
Chris, but far enough away from the group that no one else
hears them.

CHRIS
Who?

JIM
All of them. They mean well but
they have no idea what real people
go through.


CHRIS
I guess people only see what’s in
front of them.

Chris notices his faux pas.
53.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
I mean...

JIM
You’re right. And usually not even
that much. That’s people. Jim
Hudson.

CHRIS
Chris-

JIM
I know who you are. I’m an admirer
of your work; you have a great
eye...

CHRIS
Wait. Jim Hudson... of Hudson
Galleries?

Jim smiles.

JIM
Believe me. The irony of being a
blind art dealer isn’t lost on me.

CHRIS
How do you do it?

JIM
My assistant describes work to me
in great detail. You’ve got
something... The images you
capture... so brutal; I mean... so
melancholic. Powerful stuff. I
think.

CHRIS
Thank you.

JIM
I used to dabble myself.
Wilderness mostly. I submitted to
Nat Geo 14 times before realizing I
didn’t have “the eye” for it. No
one took me seriously in the art
world until I began dealing and
then, of course, my vision went to
shit.

The party guests APPLAUD the end of Dean’s speech.

CHRIS
Damn.
54.


JIM
I know. Life can be a sick joke.
One day you're developing prints in
a dark room, and the next day -
BAM. You wake up in the dark.
Genetic disease.

CHRIS
Shit ain’t fair, man.

JIM
You got that right. Shit ain’t
fair.

Jeremy comes over with his preppy friend, Derrick, 29.

JEREMY
Chris, we were hoping we could
borrow you. I need to kick
someone’s ass in Badminton.

Chris rolls his eyes.

CHRIS
(to Jim)
Nice to meet you.

Chris, Jeremy and Derrick begin to leave.

JIM
Stop by the gallery. Bout time you
had a solo show.

CHRIS
Really? Wow, okay. Thank you. That
would be a game changer.

JEREMY
We’ll get together some time.


EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose play badminton against Jeremy and Derrick.
Chris is actually having fun. He swings big but misses the
shuttlecock.

JEREMY
HA! Come on, come on, come on. You
can do better than that, Bruh!

CHRIS
Not my game.
55.


JEREMY
Thought you didn’t have a game.

ROSE
Shut up Jeremy.

JEREMY
I’m just saying, if your boy isn’t
gonna bring even a little heat, we
might as well bring one of Grandpas
old friends up here.

CHRIS
Whoa, whoa, okay. Now we talkin’
smack huh?

JEREMY
Your serve.

Chris serves the shuttlecock hard. The following rally is
long. As they play the more and more guests come over to
watch. They aren’t following the shuttlecock as much as
watching Chris. Chris ends it with an impressive diving swat.
Derrick misses the return and the crowd goes wild. Chris
throws his arms up in celebration.

CHRIS
Boom!

ROSE
Yay, baby!

JEREMY
That’s what I’m talking about!!!
Okay, I see you dog! I see you!
Again!


Chris is about to serve. He scans the crowd of beaming faces.
Everyone is rooting for Chris. They love him. Chris scans
the crowd. It’s too much.

CHRIS
Hold up. Here.

ROSE
Where are you--

CHRIS
I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Chris gives his racket to Gordon Greene.
56.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Chris walks through the kitchen.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Chris attends Rose's family's party and endures uncomfortable and racist comments while mingling with the guests before having an awkward encounter with Andre, who has been brainwashed and speaks in a much different way than before.
Strengths "The uncomfortable tension and racism faced by Chris creates a strong emotional impact on the audience. The scene also highlights certain themes about ignorance and prejudice prevalent in society."
Weaknesses "The scene may come across as slightly repetitive, with Chris constantly facing racist comments and encounters with brainwashed characters."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively develops the relationship between Chris and Jim. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

- The dialogue between Chris and Jim feels a bit on-the-nose, especially when they discuss the themes of the film. It might be more effective to show their connection through a shared interest or experience, rather than having them spell out their philosophies to each other.

- The transition from the conversation with Jim to the badminton game feels abrupt. It might be better to include a moment where Chris is reluctant to join the game, but eventually gives in, to create a clearer sense of motivation for his actions.

- The description of the crowd's reaction to the badminton game could be more specific and evocative, to create a stronger emotional impact. As it is, the scene feels a bit flat in comparison to the more nuanced interaction between Chris and Jim.
Suggestions 1. The first suggestion would be to give Dean's speech some context or importance. Why is he giving a speech? What is it about? Is it related to the plot or any of the characters? Adding a bit of significance to this speech would make it more impactful and engaging for the audience.

2. The interaction between Chris and Jim could be expanded. Instead of just discussing their respective fields, they could delve deeper into their personal experiences or philosophies. This would make the scene more meaningful and provide insight into their characters.

3. The transition between the conversation with Jim and playing badminton with Jeremy and Derrick feels abrupt. There could be a smoother transition or a connecting thread between the two scenes, such as Chris using insights he gained from Jim to improve his badminton game.

4. There is a missed opportunity for conflict between Jeremy and Chris. Instead of just friendly banter, adding tension or rivalry between them would create a more dynamic dynamic and increase the stakes of the game.

5. The last part of the scene where Chris is overwhelmed by the attention and leaves abruptly feels like a missed opportunity for character development. Perhaps this could be used as a moment for Chris to reflect on his discomfort in this predominantly white space or his own insecurities about his success.



Scene 18 -  The Unplugged Phone
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ARMITAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chris slips past several small groups of guests mingling. He
goes up the stairs to the second floor.

As soon as he is out of sight and earshot, the mingling
guests stop in mid-conversation. Everyone in the room waits
and listens to Chris’ footsteps above. It is now clear that
their conversations have been fake. They are all hanging on
Chris’ actions.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris walks to Rose’ room.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Chris enters Rose’s room. The bed is made. He picks his
phone up from the dresser. It’s unplugged and out of
batteries. That’s odd. He plugs it in again as he hears a
CREAK down the hall.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris leaves Rose’s room. Across the hallway is a crack open.
Chris slowly walks down the hall, and peers inside. He sees a
couple hip hop posters, lacrosse trophies and jujitsu.
Jeremy’s room. Movement inside. It’s Georgina making the bed.


INT. ARMITAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Rose enters looking for Chris. Everyone is mingling again.
She goes upstairs.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris looks in Jeremy’s room. The door creaks alerting
Georgina of his presence, she turns slowly. Before she sees
him he walks quickly back to Rose’s room just as she comes
upstairs.

ROSE
Hey.
57.


Chris waves for her to join him back in her room.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

ROSE
Hey, what the fuck? You left me out
there.

Chris speaks quietly and frantically to Rose.

CHRIS
She unplugged my phone.

ROSE
Who?

CHRIS
Georgina. I’m trying to check in
with Rod, and I got no juice.

ROSE
So... Why would she do that?

CHRIS
Maybe she doesn’t like the fact
that I’m with you.

ROSE
(Not buying it)
Really?

CHRIS
What? It’s a thing.

ROSE
I mean, she shouldn’t be unplugging
peoples phones, but I don’t think
she would do that on purpose.

CHRIS
Forget it. Nevermind.

ROSE
No. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me
out like that... Don’t do that to
me. We’re a Badminton team.

CHRIS
Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. It’s all
good. I’ll just plug it back in and
I’ll be down in a minute, okay?
58.


ROSE
Okay... Say hi to Rod and Sid for
me.


INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - DAY

Rod lies on the couch with Sid watching TV.

ROD
Oh, they got you on display?


INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["drama","mystery"]

Summary Chris slips away from the party to check his phone in Rose's room, only to find it unplugged and out of batteries. He suspects Georgina, but Rose is unsure. He quickly excuses himself to go check in with his friend, Rod.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful and mysterious tone
  • Strong dialogue between Chris and Rose
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution to the unplugged phone mystery
Critique Overall, the scene has good tension between Chris and the Armitage family, as well as a clear objective for Chris. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the description of the setting and character actions could be more visually interesting. Instead of simply stating that Chris walks down the hall and peers into Jeremy’s room, there could be more specific details about the space and how Chris interacts with it.

Secondly, the dialogue between Chris and Rose feels a bit forced and unrealistic. Instead of jumping straight into the conflict of the unplugged phone, there could be more natural conversation to build up to that reveal. Additionally, the Badminton team comment at the end feels out of place and doesn't add anything to the scene.

Lastly, the transition to Rod and Sid’s apartment feels abrupt and disjointed. It could benefit from a clearer indication of why we are suddenly cutting to a new location and how it relates to the previous scene.

Overall, with some work on the visuals and dialogue, this scene could be even stronger in building tension and advancing the plot.
Suggestions 1. Instead of just having Chris slip past the guests, show him having to dodge some of them or maybe even engaging in small talk to create more tension and a sense of urgency.
2. Add some sound effects to emphasize the silence that falls over the room when Chris heads upstairs, such as the clinking of glasses or whispers dying down.
3. Have Rose express some concern when she notices Chris is gone, maybe speaking to a friend about it before heading upstairs to look for him.
4. When Chris realizes his phone is unplugged and out of batteries, show him reacting more strongly, maybe even panicking a little.
5. During Chris and Rose's conversation in her room, add some subtext to make it clearer that they're discussing more than just the phone incident, maybe alluding to some of the racial tension that's been building up.
6. Consider trimming down some of the description to make the scene flow faster and increase the tension.



Scene 19 -  Hypnosis and Paranoia
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. ROSE’S ROOM - SAME TIME

Chris is alone in Rose’s room. He peers out the window.

CHRIS
It’s so weird, man. It’s like some
of these people never met a black
dude that doesn’t work for them.

ROD
Yup. You in it now.

CHRIS
Also, shit, I don’t even wanna tell
you.

ROD
What?

CHRIS
I got hypnotized last night...

ROD
Nigga, what the fuck?

CHRIS
Yeah, to quit smoking. Rose’s mom
is a psychiatrist--

ROD
I don’t give a fuck if a bitch is
Dr. Phil. You ain’t getting in my
head.

CHRIS
I know. She caught me off guard.
But it’s cool. I mean, it worked.
59.


ROD
Nope. That’s some scary shit. Who
knows what they gonna make you do.
White people into some crazy sex
slave shit. You know that right?

Chris laughs.

CHRIS
Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re not a
kinky sex family--

ROD
Why not? Jeffery Dahmer ate
niggas’ heads, but that was after
he fucked the heads. You think
they saw that shit coming? Hell no.
One second they think they just
gonna suck some dick, next second
they sucking dick but their head
isn’t on their body, Chris

CHRIS
And thanks for that image, right
there.

ROD
I saw that on A&E, so that’s real
life.

CHRIS
It’s the black people out here too
though. It’s like their living in a
different era.

ROD
Maybe they got hypnotized--

CHRIS
(dry)
Ha ha--

ROD
I’m just connecting the dots you
presenting me with. The mom puttin’
trances on niggas and fuckin’ them.
It’s clear as day and that’s fucked
up. She hot?

CHRIS
What’s fucked up is: You’re the
first line of defense against
terrorism.
60.


ROD
Don’t say I didn’t warn you ‘cause
my ass sure as Hell ain’t coming up
to the country to save you from no
fuckin’ witch coven... Unless the
mom’s really hot. On a scale of one
to ten--

CHRIS
Thanks Rod, bye.

Chris hangs up and turns. Georgina stands in the doorway,
eerie smile and all. Chris is startled.

GEORGINA
Hello.

CHRIS
Hi.

Georgina’s voice is shaky and careful. Pleasant on top, but
angry underneath.

GEORGINA
I owe you an apology. How rude of
me to have touched your belongings
without asking.

CHRIS
Oh, no. It’s cool. I was just
confused.

GEORGINA
Just so you know, there was no
funny business, allow me to
explain. I had lifted your cellular
phone this morning in order to wipe
down the dresser and it
accidentally came undone.

CHRIS
Yeah, I--

GEORGINA
Rather than meddle with it further,
I left it that way. How foolish of
me.

CHRIS
No. It’s fine. I wasn’t tryin’ to
snitch...

GEORGINA
Snitch?
61.


CHRIS
Rat you out?

GEORGINA
“tattletale.”

CHRIS
Yeah.

GEORGINA
Don’t worry about that. I assure
you, I don’t answer to anyone.

CHRIS
Right... Well, all I know is
sometimes, being around too many
white people makes me nervous.

He’s half joking. Georgina doesn’t laugh. Instead eyes get
lost for a moment. A tear falls down her face as if there is
a pain behind her otherwise vacant smile.

GEORGINA
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no... Aren’t
you something? That’s not my
experience. Not at all. The
Armitages are so good to us; They
treat us like family.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Chris confides in his friend Rod about being hypnotized by Rose's mom and is warned about white people's hypnotic and kinky proclivities. Georgina unexpectedly enters the room and apologizes about moving Chris' phone before reassuring him that the Armitages treat their black staff well.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue and paranoid humor
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive themes and stilted dialogue
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written and effectively builds tension and foreshadowing. The conversation between Chris and Rod about Chris's hypnosis sets the stage for the reveal of the Armitage family's secrets, while also showing the contrast between Chris's unease around white people and Rod's cynicism. The entrance of Georgina adds an eerie tone and, with her tear at the end, hints at a deeper emotional turmoil within the family beyond their surface kindness. However, one critique I would have is that the dialogue between Chris and Rod about kinky sex and Jeffrey Dahmer feels a bit forced and unnecessary, as it doesn't really add to the plot or character development. Overall, though, this is a well-crafted scene.
Suggestions 1. The conversation between Chris and Rod about him being hypnotized feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider integrating it more smoothly into the conversation with Georgina or moving it to a different scene where it feels more relevant.

2. Rod's jokes about crazy sex and Jeffrey Dahmer feel tonally off and insensitive given the serious content of the movie. Consider finding a different way to inject humor into the scene.

3. Georgina's tear and emotional response feel forced and melodramatic. Consider finding a more subtle way to show the tension and discomfort that Chris is feeling around white people.

4. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to make it feel more significant or impactful in the overall story. Right now, it feels like a brief conversation with no major consequences.



Scene 20 -  Uncomfortable Interrogation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

Chris walks back into the back yard where Dean entertains
seven people Chris hasn’t met. They turn as Chris approaches
smiling eagerly. They all seem to share a private joke.


DEAN
Chris! There you are, my brother.
I wanted to introduce you to some
old friends. We’ll do it quickly.
Down the line: David and Marcia
Wincott, Ronald and Celia Jeffries,
Hiroki Tanaka, and Fredrich and
Jessika Walden.

Each couple - DAVID and MARCIA, RONALD and CELIA, HIROKI,
FREDRICH and JESSIKA - waves as they are name.

CHRIS
Too many names to remember but,
hi...

The couples all laugh nervously.
62.


HIROKI
(to Dean in Japanese)
Can we ask him questions?

DEAN
(in Japanese)
Of course.

HIROKI
Do you find that being African
American has more advantages or
disadvantages in the modern world?

Chris pans the crowd who all give him their undivided
attention. The silence is long. He looks for Rose. She is off
talking to someone.

CHRIS
Yeah, I don’t know, man.

They all smile like hungry vampires. Chris is very
uncomfortable with this unprovoked group interrogation.
Andre/Logan and Philomena approach.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
That’s actually a great question.
Logan! They were asking me about
the African American experience.
Maybe you could take this one.


Andre/Logan is a little caught off guard but dives in.

ANDRE/LOGAN
My life as an African American has
been, for the most part, very good.
It’s hard to be too specific as I
haven’t much desired to leave the
house in a while.

The crowd chuckles. Chris takes out his phone.

PHILOMENA
We’ve become homebodies...

ANDRE/LOGAN
(to Philomena)
But recently, even when you go to
the city, I’ve just had no
interest.
(to the group)
The chores are my sanctu--
63.



With the attention on Andre/Logan, Chris raises his phone
toward Andre/Logan and the group and snaps a picture. The
flash pops.

CHRIS
Shit.

Everyone turns to Chris. Andre/Logan steps forward and looks
at Chris oddly; His head cocks a little and his peaceful
expression drifts slowly to maddened horror. Some of the
party guests gasp.

PHILOMENA
Logan?

Andre/Logan drops his glass and stumbles towards Chris. Chris
backs up, but Andre is already up in his space.

ANDRE
Get out.

Andre/Logan’s voice is higher and scratchy, like it was in
the first scene.

CHRIS
Hey, man, I’m sorry, I--

Andre/Logan grabs Chris by the shoulders and screams shrilly.
Blood trickles out of his nose.

ANDRE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!

Philomena and Jeremy grab Andre. They have to pry
Andre/Logan’s grip off of Chris. When they do Andre/Logan
screams bloodcurdlingly. It takes all their strength to
bring him into the house. Missy follows.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Drama"]

Summary Chris endures an uncomfortable group interrogation about the African American experience before snapping a picture of Andre/Logan, which triggers a violent outburst.
Strengths "The tension and discomfort of the situation is palpable and creates a strong emotional impact. The escalation of the conflict and the sudden outburst from Andre\/Logan adds to the shock factor of the scene."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels forced and the sudden switch in Andre\/Logan's behavior could be seen as unrealistic."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, it would be helpful to have some more description of the characters and their actions. For example, when Chris walks into the backyard, it would be helpful to know more about how he's feeling and what he's doing - is he hesitant, nervous, excited? How does he react to seeing all these new people? Similarly, when Andre/Logan approaches, it would be helpful to have more description of his physical appearance and his actions - is he angry, aggressive, scared?

Second, there are a few lines of dialogue that feel a bit stilted or unrealistic. For example, when Hiroki asks Chris about the African American experience, it feels like a contrived way to bring up the topic, and Chris's response of "Yeah, I don't know, man" doesn't feel very authentic. Similarly, when Andre/Logan says "The chores are my sanctu--" it feels like a strange and awkward way to end his sentence.

Finally, there could be more tension and conflict built throughout the scene. Although Andre/Logan's outburst at the end is certainly intense and shocking, it doesn't feel quite earned - there wasn't enough buildup to really make it feel like a natural escalation of the tension in the scene. Adding some more subtle conflicts or micro-aggressions throughout the scene could help build tension and make Andre/Logan's outburst feel more organic.

Overall, this is a strong scene with good potential, but it could benefit from some tightening and enhancement of the characters and their interactions.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Clarify the relationship between Chris and Dean. Are they brothers? Friends? Cousins? Providing some context can make the scene feel more grounded.
2. Consider giving each of the seven new characters a distinct personality or characteristic, even if they only have a brief appearance in the scene. This can make them more memorable and create more tension later on.
3. Show us more of Chris's internal thoughts or feelings. Is he nervous about meeting new people? Does he feel uncomfortable being interrogated by a group of strangers? Adding more inner conflict can create more tension in the scene.
4. Consider pacing the scene differently. The conversation between Hiroki and Chris feels awkward and forced, so maybe it could be shortened or cut altogether.
5. Be more clear about why Andre/Logan becomes so enraged at Chris taking a photo. Is he sensitive about his appearance? Does he have a history with photography? Providing a clear reason for his reaction can make the scene feel more motivated and less random.



Scene 21 -  The Seizure
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Rose sits on the couch arms crossed. Chris comforts her but
is clearly traumatized. A few other concerned guests mill
around. Dean enters and CLEARS HIS THROAT. Everyone gives him
their attention.

ROSE
What the fuck was that?

DEAN
It was a seizure.
64.


ROSE
A seizure?

CHRIS
Why did he come at me like that?

DEAN
Seizures can have a wide range of
effects.

ROSE
Yeah, but randomly attacking
people?

DEAN
The flash on your phone must have
triggered it. Andre/Logan enters
with Missy and Philomena to a
smattering of concerned applause.
Jeremy follows.


Andre/Logan enters with Missy and Philomena to a smattering
of concerned applause. Jeremy follows.

Andre/Logan addresses a group in his “Logan” voice. Chris now
looks at him like he recognizes him.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Well, I do believe I owe you all an
apology.

The group grumbles.

MISSY
We’re just glad you’re feeling
yourself again.


ANDRE/LOGAN
Well yes I am. Thank God you were
here to calm me down. I know I
scared you all quite a bit..
Especially you, Chris.

CHRIS
No, I’m sorry; the flash... I
didn’t know.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Of course not. How could you have?
65.


PHILOMENA
(to Andre/Logan)
You shouldn’t have been drinking
either.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Right. Now you’ll all have to
proceed without the aid of my
marvelous wit; the whole ordeal has
left me a quite a bit exhausted.

The group chuckles.

DEAN
Of course.

ANDRE/LOGAN
It was nice meeting you.

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris is skeptical.

MISSY
(to Dean)
Something to brighten the mood?

Missy shows Philomena and Logan out. Andre and Philomena
leave.

DEAN
Yes! I think it’s time for my dad’s
favorite... sparklers and BINGO.

JEREMY
Yes, Bingo!

The group applauds. Dean gives Rose and Chris sparklers.

ROSE
We’re going on a walk.

Rose grabs Chris’ hand and leads him out the front door. He
pulls away from her as they leave.


EXT. THE WOODS - AFTERNOON

Rose and Chris walk by the lake. Their sparklers fizzle.

CHRIS
My cousin is epileptic. That wasn’t
a seizure.
66.


ROSE
I mean... my dad is a neurosurgeon.

CHRIS
How long have you known that guy?

ROSE
Not at all. I’ve known Philomena
since I was little, her husband
died last year. Logan is new...
Why?

CHRIS
I don’t know. This is gonna sound
weird, but when he got up in my
face like that, I got this feeling
like I knew him.

ROSE
You know Logan?

CHRIS
No, I don’t know Logan. I know that
guy who grabbed me.

ROSE
Chris... That doesn’t make any
sense.


EXT. BACK YARD. SAME TIME

With Chris and Rose are away, the party guests have all
gathered in the back yard facing Dean who stands in front of
the gazebo by a large picture of Chris on an easel. Everyone
is silent.

Dean raises his hand and makes numbers with his fingers:
“Three and three.” Several party guests raise their hands.
Dean points to the Waldens.

This is an auction.


EXT. THE WOODS - SAME TIME

Rose and Chris are in little nook in the trees.

ROSE
No. No, no, no. Don’t do this..
67.


CHRIS
I don’t know what to say. I think
your mom got in my head. I think
she got into my head.

ROSE
I thought she helped you.

CHRIS
No she didn’t. She got in my head.
She fucked some shit up there and
since then...

Chris shuts down.

ROSE
Chris... I’m here. Talk to me.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary After Andre/Logan's violent outburst triggered by Chris' flash, the partygoers attempt to calm down while Chris confides in Rose about the hypnosis. The scene ends with Chris shutting down, leaving Rose unsure how to help him.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is palpable, both in the aftermath of Andre\/Logan's outburst and in Chris' realization about the hypnosis. The themes of manipulation and racism are woven throughout the scene effectively."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose in regards to the themes, and the scene could benefit from more action or movement to break up the static feeling of the party."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear dialogue and actions. However, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from some more descriptive details to help set the tone and visual imagery. This could include descriptions of the characters' emotions and body language, as well as the setting and props.

Secondly, the reveal that the seizure was not actually a seizure feels a bit rushed and coincidental. It might be more effective for this information to be revealed gradually throughout the scene, with small hints and clues building up to the reveal.

Lastly, while the dialogue flows well, there could be some more natural pauses and interruptions to make the conversations feel more realistic. People often talk over each other and interrupt in real life, so incorporating this into the dialogue could add more authenticity to the scene.

Overall, with a few tweaks and improvements, this scene has the potential to be even stronger and more effective at advancing the story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more emotional weight to the scene by exploring the characters' reactions to the events that just happened. Rose and Chris should be more shaken up, and their dialogue should reflect this.

2. Use more descriptive language to set the mood and tone of the scene. The current scene description is bland and doesn't convey any sense of atmosphere.

3. Expand on the mystery surrounding Logan/Andre. Chris's recognition of him should be explored further, and there should be more hints dropped about his true identity.

4. Remove the auction subplot entirely. This feels like an unnecessary distraction from the main plot and takes the focus away from the characters.

5. Make Rose and Chris's conversation more impactful. The dialogue as it currently stands is a little too on-the-nose and doesn't feel very natural. Try to add more nuance and subtext to their conversation.



Scene 22 -  Chris and Rose's Heart-to-Heart
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
INT. BACKYARD - SAME TIME

Dean raises his hand again making more numbers with his
fingers: “4, 5.”

Gordon Greene raises his hand. Dean points to him accepting
his bid.


EXT. WOODS - SAME TIME

CHRIS
It’s not about what’s happening,
it’s about what’s actually
happening.

ROSE
What’s happening? Explain it to me.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Yes
everybody is crazy out here but
don’t take it out on me.

CHRIS
I’m not. I’m not. I just need to
go.

ROSE
You want me to stay here?

CHRIS
Whatever you want. I need to go

Rose sinks. She tries to hide a tear. After a long silence.
68.


ROSE
...I’m late.

CHRIS
Late?

ROSE
I should’ve got my period like last
week.

CHRIS
Oh.

ROSE
I mean, I did change my birth
control, so it could just be that,
but...

Chris thinks silently.

ROSE (CONT’D)
So...?

CHRIS
I don’t know what to say.

ROSE
Say anything.


EXT. BACKYARD - SAME TIME

The auction is flying now. Dean’s hand signals are going
fast. It’s down to three couples.


Dean signals “5, 6.” Mr. Greene raises his hand. Dean points.


Dean signals “5, 8.” Mrs. Deets raises her hand. Dean points.


Dean signals “6.” Jim Hudson raises both his hands and
signals “10.” His chauffeur stands beside him whispering in
his ear. Dean points at him.

Dean scans the crowd signaling “10, 2?” “10, 2?” The crowd
looks around. No one is challenging. Dean smiles. Finally
Dean bangs his fist onto his open palm and points to Jim
Hudson. Jim’s chauffeur whispers in his ear.

The guests clap in a mixture of delight and disappointment.
69.


EXT. WOODS - DUSK

Chris and Rose sit watching the sunset over the lake. Chris
kisses her hand. He hears the faint APPLAUSE in the distance.
He looks in the direction of the house.

ROSE
I didn’t tell you that to make you
stay, I just thought you should
know.

CHRIS
I told you about the night my mom
died; how I didn’t call 911; didn’t
go out looking for her.

ROSE
Baby--

CHRIS
One hour went by, then two,
three... I just sat there... I just
watched TV.

ROSE
It wasn’t your fault.

CHRIS
I found out later she had survived
the initial by the side of the road
all night, cold and alone. And
that’s how she died in the early
morning... Cold and alone. And I
was watching TV. There was time. If
someone was looking for her, there
was time. But no one was looking.

Chris cries. Rose cries for him.

ROSE
You were just a kid.

CHRIS
Yeah... yeah.

ROSE
There’s nothing you could have
done...

CHRIS
I could have tried... I could have
tried.

Rose almost responds, but doesn’t. She gets it.
70.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’re all I got now. I’m not gonna
leave here without you. I‘m not
going to abandon you. Okay?

She wipes her tears and nods.

ROSE
Let’s go back home.

CHRIS
Yeah?

ROSE
Yeah. I mean, you’re right. This
sucks. I’ll make something up.
We’ll go back.

CHRIS
I love you.

ROSE
I love you too.

The two get up and walk back toward the house.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Romance"]

Summary Chris confides in Rose about his guilt and fear surrounding his mom's death, and Rose assures him that she won't leave him. Meanwhile, an auction takes place back at the house.
Strengths "Strong emotional moments, well-written dialogue, and character development."
Weaknesses "The auction subplot could be seen as taking away from the emotional weight of the main scene."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of showing the emotional journey of the characters, specifically Chris and his vulnerability in sharing his past tragedy with Rose. However, the scene feels disconnected from the previous scene in the backyard auction, and it's unclear how the two scenes relate to each other thematically. It might be helpful to have a transition or visual cue that ties the two scenes together.

In terms of dialogue, some lines feel a bit on the nose, such as "It’s not about what’s happening, it’s about what’s actually happening." It might be more effective to find a more natural way for the characters to convey their emotions and thoughts.

It's also worth noting that the scene lacks visual description and action lines, which could help enhance the overall cinematic quality of the script. Describing the setting and characters' physical movements can help the reader visualize the scene and better connect with the characters.

Overall, the emotional resonance of the scene is effective, but there is room for improvement in terms of expanding the thematic connections and enhancing the cinematic quality.
Suggestions 1. Consider combining the two separate scenes (backyard and woods) into one continuous scene using cross-cutting. This would create more tension and build up to the climax of the auction.

2. Add more physical action to the backyard scene to create more visual interest. For example, show the bidders' reactions to each bid or have Dean physically move around the space to interact with the bidders.

3. Add more subtext to the conversation between Chris and Rose in the woods. For example, have them talk about their fears and desires for their future as a couple, which would connect more thematically to the tension building in the auction scene.

4. Consider giving Rose more agency in the scene by having her actively contribute to the decision-making process with Chris rather than just reacting to his emotions. This would create a more balanced and dynamic relationship between the two characters.

5. Use more vivid and descriptive language to create a stronger emotional impact in the scene. For example, use more sensory details to describe the sunset or have Chris describe his mother's death in more visceral terms.



Scene 23 -  The Closet of Secrets
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DUSK

Chris and Rose approach the house as the last of the guests
get into their cars and drive off.

CHRIS
That was fast.

ROSE

Yeah.

The guests wave to Walter and Georgina, who stand at the
front door, and then to Chris and Rose. Jeremy hangs out on
the porch. He seems less menacing than before. Parker and
April Dray are leaving. Parker is tipsy.

PARKER
Bye Chris! It was a pleasure
meeting you. I hope you--

Chris and Rose wave.

APRIL
Come on, Parker. Before you say
something stupid.
71.


Chris laughs. Walter shuts the car door behind Lisa. Walter
stands pleasantly watching the cars leave. He turns to Chris
with the same ol’ smile. Chris and Rose enter the house.


INT. ARMITAGE BATHROOM - NIGHT

Sink running. Chris washes his hands and looks in the mirror.

He finds the picture he took of Logan/Andre on his phone and
sends it.

Chris plugs the phone in and goes to pack. The phone
vibrates.

Chris picks it up.

CHRIS
Hey.


INTERCUT WITH:



INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

Rod is on the phone. Sid is there too.

ROD
That’s Dre.

CHRIS
Dre?

ROD
Andre Hayworth! He used to kick it
with Veronica, remember? That’s
him.

CHRIS
Veronica from...

ROD
...Teresa’s sister! Worked at the
movie theatre on 8th. Why’s he
dressed like that?

CHRIS
(realizing)
Yeah. That is him. But... Wait,
wait, wait, This is so fuckin’
crazy. He’s different.
72.


ROD
No shit. Why is he dressed like
that?

CHRIS
No, it’s not just that though, it’s
everything. He came to the party
with a white woman like thirty
years older than him.

ROD
What?

CHRIS
I don’t know if she was his boss or
if they’re fuckin’ or both.

ROD
Slave! Chris, you in a fucked up
Eyes Wide Shut situation. You need
to--.

The phone goes dead. No batteries.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chris goes to finish packing with a purpose. Rose enters.

ROSE
Hey, should we eat and then leave?

CHRIS
No. Rose, we gotta go.

ROSE
Is everything okay?

CHRIS
I’ll tell you in the car.

She does.

ROSE
Okay, I’m gonna get my bag.

Rose leaves.

Just then Rose’s closet creaks open. Chris sees a framed
picture of Rose inside. Not quite knowing what he’s looking
for, he goes to the closet. The picture is a frightening one.
Rose is one of the witches in a high school production of
Macbeth. It’s on top of a red shoebox that has the
drama/comedy masks drawn on top of it.
73.


He takes it off of the shelf. Inside is a pile of pictures.
On top is one of Rose dressed as Juliet in a high school
play.

The next one is of Rose at 13 playing Ms. Hannigan in Annie.
Chris flips through a few more pictures of Rose at different
ages in different class plays.


Finally Chris comes upon a photo printed from a computer.
It’s a selfie of her and some other black guy. The picture is
almost identical to the one she took with Chris before the
ride up. Under the image are written the words. “X-mas 2014”
Stunned, Chris flips to the next picture.

It’s another romantic selfie, this time with a different
black guy. Underneath, the caption “Memorial Day 2013”

He continues flipping through the stack of pictures of Rose
with 8 different black guys. The last one is a picture of
Rose with Walter. In it she kisses Walter’s cheek intimately.
“Thanksgiving 2009” Walter looks different in the picture. He
isn’t smiling vaguely; he’s got swagger.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Hey? Are you ready?

Rose stands there in the doorway behind him. Chris subtly
drops the pictures back in the shoebox.

ROSE (CONT’D)
What?

CHRIS
Yeah, Um... Looking for my camera.

ROSE
Here.

Rose hands him the camera.

CHRIS
Where are the keys..? I’m gonna put
our bags in the trunk real quick.

Rose picks up her bag and ruffles through it.

ROSE
Okay. They’re in here somewhere.
Are you okay?

CHRIS
Yeah, yeah. Can we do that on the
move.
74.


Chris walks out the door, leaving Rose.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary After leaving the Armitage party, Chris discovers a shoebox of pictures in Rose's closet revealing her past relationships with multiple black men. He is stunned and leaves with Rose, but his discovery foreshadows the horror that will come.
Strengths "The scene is tense and foreboding, setting up the horror to come. The reveal of Rose's past relationships adds another layer to the mystery and raises the stakes for the protagonist. The dialogue hints at the racial tensions and subtly foreshadows the twist."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow and exposition-heavy for some viewers who are looking for more action. The phone conversation with Rod could have been shortened or made more impactful."
Critique There are a few potential improvements for this scene:

1. Character action. The scene could use more physicality and action to show rather than tell the characters' emotions. Instead of simply saying "Chris and Rose approach the house as the last of the guests get into their cars and drive off," show how they're feeling through their actions. Are they walking quickly or slowly? Are they holding hands or avoiding physical contact?

2. Dialogue. The dialogue in this scene is straightforward and doesn't reveal much about the characters. It would be beneficial to add more complexity to their dialogue to show their emotional state.

3. Conflict. The scene could benefit from more conflict or tension to heighten the stakes. For example, what if one of the guests refuses to leave or causes an issue? This would add complexity to the situation.

4. Showing, not telling. The scene relies heavily on dialogue to explain the character's emotions and reactions. It would be more effective to use visuals to show their emotional states. For example, instead of saying "Chris sees a framed picture of Rose inside. Not quite knowing what he’s looking for, he goes to the closet," show him hesitating before opening the closet door or looking contemplative before picking up the photo.

Overall, the scene needs more tension and complexity to hold the audience's attention and keep the story moving forward.
Suggestions 1. Add more tension: The scene feels a bit stagnant and lacking in tension. To improve the scene, consider adding more tension or conflict to create a more engaging scene.

2. Develop the conversation between Chris and Rose: Their conversation in the beginning feels a bit rushed and doesn't add much to the story. It could be improved by giving them more depth and revealing more about their characters.

3. Clarify the situation with the photos: The scene where Chris discovers the pictures of Rose with other black men could be more specific and explained better. It's not clear why he's so surprised and what it means for their relationship.

4. Incorporate foreshadowing: Since this is scene 23 out of 31, it's important to start building towards the climax. Consider incorporating more foreshadowing or smaller events that build towards the overall plot.

5. Include more sensory details: The scene description is sparse on sensory details, including sights, sounds, and smells. To fully immerse the audience in the story, add more of these details to bring the scene to life.



Scene 24 -  The Hypnosis Takes Over
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FOYER/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rose follows Chris down the stairs.

ROSE
(Hushed)
Chris... What’s wrong?

CHRIS
Nothing.

Jeremy stands near the front door twirling his lacrosse
stick.

JEREMY
Where are you going? The party’s
just getting started.

CHRIS
I’m going to the car; see if we
left the keys in there.

Missy enters the hallway behind Chris.

MISSY
Would you like some tea, Chris?

CHRIS
I’m good.

The family is silent. Missy’s glare pierces Chris. He avoids
eye contact.

MISSY
You’re leaving us. Is something
wrong?

CHRIS
No. Well, yeah... Um.

ROSE
(still blank)
His dog is sick. He needs to go to
the vet first thing in the morning--

Dean, in Missy’s office in front of the roaring fireplace,
presses play on a remote control and a darkly classical track
comes on.

DEAN
What is your purpose, Chris?
75.


CHRIS
What?

DEAN
In life? What is your purpose..?

CHRIS
Right now, it’s finding the keys.

Dean stares into the fire.

DEAN
Mesmerizing isn’t it? The fire is a
reflection of our own mortality.
It’s born, it breathes and then it
dies.

CHRIS
Rose...

Rose lamely rummages through her messy bag.

ROSE
I’m looking.

Dean now looks at the painting above the fireplace.

DEAN
Even the Sun will die some day,
Chris. It is us who are the divine
ones. We are the Gods who are
trapped in cocoons.--

CHRIS
--Rose.--

DEAN
--You’d take the baptism wouldn’t
you? You’d shed your skin to awake
renewed and perfect. Of course you
would.

CHRIS
I was raised Episcopalian.

Chris starts toward the door, but his path is blocked by
Jeremy swinging at air.

JEREMY
Whoa! Be careful, bro.

MISSY
Jeremy...
76.


JEREMY
I’m not doing anything.

MISSY
What is this shit?!!

DEAN
It’s our purpose! It is our
destiny! The requirement for
spiritual transmutation is the will
of a new vessel must sacrifice!!!

CHRIS
Rose! The keys!

Rose backs away.

ROSE
You know I can’t give you the keys.

Chris makes a run for the door. Missy clinks the cup with her
spoon.

TinG tinG. TinG tinG.

The world instantly blurs around Chris. He begins to fall. He
sees a flash.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Chris is interrogated by the Armitage family before being hypnotized against his will. He struggles to leave the party while Dean continues to spout cryptic messages about spiritual transmutation.
Strengths "The tension between Chris and the Armitage family is palpable, and the dialogue is cryptic and unsettling. The use of hypnosis as a plot device adds a layer of psychological horror."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose, and the scene could benefit from a bit more subtlety."
Critique Overall, the scene is filled with tension and suspense, which is good for keeping the audience engaged. However, there are a few areas that can be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue is a bit on the nose and at times feels unnatural. Characters seem to be saying things purely to move the plot forward rather than because it's what they would realistically say in the moment.

Secondly, there isn't enough description of the characters' physical actions. We don't understand how they're moving around the room or what their facial expressions are like. This can make the scene feel flat and uninteresting compared to more visually descriptive scenes.

Lastly, there are a few moments where the scene abruptly shifts focus, such as when Dean starts talking about the fire while Missy is asking Chris if he's leaving. These shifts can be jarring and take the audience out of the moment.

Overall, the scene has potential but needs some polishing to make it more realistic and visually engaging for the audience.
Suggestions 1. Make the purpose of the scene clear: At the moment, the purpose is unclear. It seems like the family is trying to keep Chris there, but it's not really clear why. Is it because they want to turn him into a vessel for their spiritual transmutation? If so, that needs to be made more apparent.

2. Streamline the dialogue: There's a lot of dialogue in this scene that doesn't really serve a purpose. For example, Jeremy's line about the party just getting started seems unnecessary. Consider cutting lines that don't move the plot forward or give insight into the characters.

3. Make the stakes higher: Right now, there doesn't seem to be a lot at stake for Chris. He's just trying to leave and the family is trying to keep him there. Consider adding more tension or danger to the scene to ramp up the stakes.

4. Show, don't tell: When Rose explains that Chris needs to go to the vet, it feels like a tacked-on explanation. Consider showing Chris's concern for his dog earlier in the film so that this revelation feels more impactful.

5. Clarify the characters' motivations: At the moment, it's not really clear why the family is doing what they're doing. Are they trying to turn Chris into a vessel for their spiritual transmutation? Are they just trying to keep him there for some other reason? Clarify the characters' motivations to give the scene more weight.



Scene 25 -  Chris is Captured
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. DARKNESS

Chris falls through the dark abyss of his mind again just
like when he was hypnotized. The blue screen above him
displays what his real eyes see. It’s his own perspective in
the real world in which his body falls backwards to the
floor. CRASH! The screen now shows the living room ceiling.
Jeremy leans over him.

JEREMY
Oh shit!

MISSY (O.S.)
Is he hurt?

CHRIS
No!

JEREMY DEAN (O.S.)
Did you see him drop? He hit his head pretty good.

MISSY (O.S.)
Take him downstairs. Jeremy, get
the legs. Dean, help him.
77.


JEREMY
I can take him alone.

MISSY (O.S.)
No. Be careful. We’ve already
damaged him enough. Dean, please.

Chris continues to fall slowly further from the screen above
which continues to show his body’s perspective as it is being
lifted by Dean and Jeremy and carried out of the room.

CHRIS
Rose!? No, no, no, no. Shit,
shit...

DEAN
You’re going to drop him.

JEREMY
No, I’m not.

MISSY (O.S.)
Be careful what you say, everyone.
He can hear every word.

JEREMY
Why? He’s gonna find out sooner or
later..

MISSY
Not like this.

DEAN
Listen to your mother.

CHRIS
Rose!!!!

Rose approaches Chris’ face.

ROSE
(whisper)
You were one of my favorites.

Chris stops sinking. He turns right side up.

CHRIS
No!! Help!!! Help!!!!! Help!!!!!!

A door creaks open. Chris’ body is taken downstairs into the
darkness. The screen in the abyss goes dark.

Chris shivers. He’s cold and alone. He takes out his lighter
and lights it.
78.


Something large and dark moves underneath Chris. Chris looks
around frantically.

His light goes out.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Shit.

Chris tries to light his lighter again. In takes a couple
tries. Each flash illuminates a large face beside his. He
doesn’t see it. The amorphous antlered thing emerges from the
shadow. Its eyes glow and flicker faint blue in its sockets.

He finally lights the flame and feels the beast’s presence he
turns, but the creature is gone.

He turns back and there it is. Very close. It’s head is the
skull of a deer and it has dim blue glowing eyes. It MOANS A
WRONG SOUNDING MOAN OF HATEFUL ANGUISH.


EXT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES TERMINAL - DAY

Rod smokes a cigarette and dials Chris.

CHRIS’ VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (V.O.)
It’s Chris. I’m away from my phone
or I just don’t want to talk to
you.


ROD
(anxious)
Sup? Dude, you scaring me, man? I
thought you were coming back
yesterday. Hopefully you home
already and just sleeping or some
shit. Aiight. Let me know.


INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rod opens the door. Sid wags his tail hungrily.


INT. CHRIS’ KITCHEN - LATER

Rod opens dog food while he calls Chris.

CHRIS’ VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (V.O.)
Hey, it’s Chris. I’m away from my
phone or I just don’t want to talk
to--
79.


Rod hangs up. He places Sid’s bowl down. Sid doesn’t eat.
Instead Sid looks back up at Rod and WHINES.

ROD
Yeah... me too.



INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - LATER

Rod zones out at Chris’ desk in front of his laptop. Sid
sits on Rod’s lap. Rod types “Andre Hayworth” into the search
engine. Images of Andre come up.

Rod finds an article entitled: “What Happened to Andre
Hayworth?” Under in bold “Brooklyn Native Goes Missing In
Evergreen Hallow.”

Rod’s eyes go wide.

ROD
Oh shit.


INT. GAMES ROOM - LATER

Chris wakes up. In front of him, a deer’s head is mounted
above an old-school floor-standing television. Behind him, a
goat’s head is mounted under a taxidermy owl, wings spread.
There are several objects precisely placed around the room.

His arms and legs are fastened to a leather upholstered chair
in the middle of a small dark room.

Chris pulls at the straps that bind his arms and legs. Chris
tries to gnaw at the harnesses, but they are too thick.

CHRIS
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shit.
The fuck?!?

The television in front of Chris flickers on and the image of
a tea cup comes into focus on the screen. A spoon stirs and
clinks the side of the cup.

“TING TING, TING TING”

Before he can react, Chris falls asleep.


INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - DAWN

Sid wakes Rod up with a lick to the face. He’s on the sofa.
80.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris is captured by the Armitage family and taken to a dark room where he's strapped to a chair. A strange video plays on a TV in front of him as he falls asleep.
Strengths "Excellent use of suspense to create an eerie and unsettling atmosphere. The scene sets up the climax of the film well."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is a bit sparse and some of the character motivations aren't fully fleshed out."
Critique Overall, the scene has potential but it needs some work in terms of clarity and pacing.

Firstly, the beginning of the scene is confusing as it is not clear what is happening to Chris. Is he actually falling or is he experiencing some kind of hallucination or dream? It would be helpful to provide more context or explanation for the audience.

Secondly, the dialogue between the characters feels a bit robotic and lacks natural flow. It would be beneficial to read it out loud and make any necessary changes to make it sound more realistic.

Thirdly, there are some jumps in time and location that make it difficult to follow the story. For example, when the scene cuts from Chris falling to Rod in the airport, it is unclear how much time has passed or how they are related. It would help to provide transitions or clearer connections between these moments.

Finally, there is a lack of description and visual detail that could enhance the reader's experience. For instance, when Chris is in the game room, more vivid descriptions of the taxidermy and other objects would create a more immersive environment for the audience.

Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from more attention to detail and clarity of storytelling.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from some more descriptive language. Use adjectives and adverbs to help paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind.

For example, instead of "Chris falls through the dark abyss of his mind again," try something like "Chris plummets through his own subconscious, deep into the darkness that lies within."

Additionally, the dialogue between the characters could be improved. Try to make it more natural and realistic by giving each character their own distinct voice and mannerisms.

Lastly, consider breaking up the scene into smaller sections to improve pacing and readability. For example, the section where Rod is searching for information on Chris could be a separate scene altogether. This would improve the flow of the script and make it easier for the reader to follow.



Scene 26 -  Reporting the Abduction
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Rod sits at a desk with Sid on his lap.. DETECTIVE LATOYA
(40), African American enters. She’s been doing this too
long. She speaks to someone outside her office.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
...Then he should’ve gone back up
there and made sure everything was
accounted for. ‘Cause hey, look;
how about this? If you record the
evidence, you’re responsible for
it.

Latoya shuts the door and sits at her desk. She begins
opening and eating a bag of sunflower seeds.

DETECTIVE LATOYA (CONT’D)
Hello, Mr...

ROD
Williams... Rod Williams...

DETECTIVE LATOYA
From the TSA?

ROD
Yes Ma’am.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
You know that TSA issues should be
brought to your authorizing
officer, right?

ROD
It’s not TSA business, ma’am.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Please don’t call me “ma’am,” or
we’re not gonna get along. How can
I help you, Rod Williams from the
TSA?

ROD
Here it is: My boy Chris has been
missing for two days.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Your son is missing?

ROD
No, sorry, not my son, my boy.
He’s my friend. He’s 26. His name
is Chris... Washington...
81.


He gives her time to write the name which she doesn’t do. She
just stares at him.

ROD (CONT’D)
He left town on Friday with his
girlfriend Rose... Armitage...
She’s white.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
That’s four days ago.

ROD
Yeah, I mean he’s only been MISSING
for two days. He was supposed--

DETECTIVE LATOYA
--I’m gonna stop you right there.
Now you know the minimum amount of
time without contact before you can
file a missing persons report is--

ROD
--Three days I know, but I have
reason to believe he’s been
abducted.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Go on.

ROD
Chris was set to come back home on
Sunday. I was watching his dog Sid.

Latoya points to Sid.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
That’s Sid.

ROD
Yup. Cute right? Now look...

Rod takes out his phone and scrolls to a photo of Andre.

ROD (CONT’D)
Chris sent me this which he took at
the girlfriend's parents house.
That’s Andre Hayworth, a guy we
knew from back in the day. Come to
find out he went missing 6 months
ago in an affluent suburb upstate.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Doesn’t look missing to me.
82.


ROD
Well that’s the thing. We found him
and now, according to Chris, he’s
got a different personality.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Different how?

ROD
This dude is from Brooklyn. He
didn’t used to dress like that.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
I didn’t used to dress like this.

ROD
Plus, now he’s married to a white
woman twice his age.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Well, that explains the clothes.
Look Rod Williams from the TSA-

ROD
I know, I know. I’m working up to
it. Look, I know what I’m about to
say is gonna sound crazy.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Try me.

ROD
You ready for this...? I think this
family is abducting black people
and brainwashing them to work for
them as sex slaves and shit...
Sorry.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
...Brainwashing?

ROD
Yeah.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Hold on one second.
(over her intercom)
Garcia, Drake, get in here a
second.
(to Rod)
I want you to tell these officers
exactly what you just told me.
83.


INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Two detectives, Garcia, 37, and Drake, 43, stand behind
Latoya.

ROD
...See, I don’t know if the
hypnosis makes you a slave or what,
but they already got two brothers
that we know of, and who knows how
many more there could be.

The officers are all riveted... Then... All three detectives
laugh. Rod is not being taken the slightest bit seriously.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
(to her colleagues)
So, I don’t want none of you sayin’
I don’t do nothin’ for you... White
girls’ll get you every time!

They all laugh harder.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Rod reports his friend Chris' disappearance to Detective Latoya, explaining that he suspects he's been abducted and brainwashed to work as a sex slave for a family that abducts black men. The detectives don't take him seriously and laugh at his theory.
Strengths "The scene sets up the racism and conspiracy that is central to the movie and introduces the protagonist's ally in his quest for survival."
Weaknesses "The humor may undermine the seriousness of the topic, and some of the dialogue may come across as cliche or stereotypical to some viewers."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I don't have personal opinions, but I can provide feedback based on standard script analysis principles.

Overall, the scene is well-constructed, with clear character goals and motivations. It establishes the main character Rod's mission to find his missing friend and creates tension through the disbelief of the detectives. The dialogue flows smoothly and contributes to the characterization of the main character as well as the detectives. However, there are some areas that could be improved:

- The opening action of the scene, where Rod is sitting with a dog on his lap, seems unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the rest of the scene.
- The introduction of Detective Latoya's character could be more impactful. As it stands, her entrance is underwhelming and doesn't establish her character strongly enough.
- The detectives laughing at Rod's theory seems too caricature-like and abrupt. It might have been more effective to have them react with skepticism and disbelief, rather than outright ridicule.
- The pacing of the scene could be tightened, as some of the interactions between the characters feel drawn out and could benefit from more concise dialogue.

Overall, the scene has potential and could benefit from some revisions to increase tension and impact.
Suggestions Here are my suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Add more tension: The scene lacks tension, which makes it less engaging for the audience. To improve it, you may start by introducing the detectives with a tense atmosphere. Let them look serious and intimidating. This way, when Rod shares his story, the audience will feel the weight of his concern and anxiety.

2. Cut down on the humor: While it may be tempting to add humor to this scene, it undermines the seriousness of the situation. The detectives' laughter makes them less believable and less invested in their jobs. You may cut down the comedy to make the scene more authentic and grittier.

3. Add more backstory: The conversation between Rod and the detectives lacks depth. To make it more engaging, you may add more backstory to the characters. For example, Latoya may share her experience dealing with missing person cases, or Rod may describe his relationship with Chris. By doing this, you can make the scene more human and relatable.

4. Improve the pacing: The scene moves too quickly from one point to another. To improve the pacing, you may slow down the conversation and let each character speak their mind fully. Let them have a conversation instead of a back and forth exchange. This way, the audience can digest each piece of information better and get invested in the scene.

5. Increase the stakes: Finally, to make the scene more dramatic, you may raise the stakes. Maybe Chris has a medical condition, and his life is in danger. Maybe Rod has information that may lead to a bigger conspiracy. By doing this, you'll make the scene more engaging and leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 27 -  Chris wakes up to discover the truth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. GAMES ROOM - LATER

Chris wakes up suddenly. He takes in his surroundings again.
He’s in the same room. He’s scratched the arm of the chair to
the point where the leather on the arm of the chair has begun
to rip open.

CHRIS
Okay. Okay! What do you want? You
tryin’ to break me? Done. I’m
broke. What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to do????

Chris is exhausted. He laughs at the absurdity of the
situation.

The television flickers on and again the image of a tea cup
comes into focus on the screen. A spoon stirs and clinks the
side of the cup. Terror flashes across his face.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
No--

Again Chris becomes paralyzed.
84.


INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - DUSK

Rod sits by the window with Sid. He looks out over rooftops
and thinks. He picks up his phone and calls Chris again. He
knows Chris won’t answer. Then--

ROSE
Hello?

Rod is taken off guard. He almost drops his phone.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Chris?

ROD
Yo. Um, Rose? It’s Rod.

ROSE
Hi.

ROD
Where’s Chris?


INTERCUT WITH:


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE. DINING ROOM - DUSK

Rose stands by the dining table on Chris’ phone. Rose starts
to cry.

ROSE
He left like two days ago.

ROD
He left?

ROSE
He got paranoid. We got in a fight.
And flipped out. Then he took a cab
home and left his phone. Wait...
You haven’t seen him?

ROD
No. He never made it back here.

ROSE
Oh my God.

ROD
I’ve been calling. I went to the
police and--
85.


ROSE
--What did you say?

ROD
I told them he was missing.

ROSE
Okay, wait... um... Did you call
his aunt?

ROD
Yes. Lemme ask you something, Rose.
What cab company did he use?

ROSE
I don’t know. A local one I’m
guessing. Maybe Uber? Wait, I’m so
confused...

ROD
Hold on a second.

Rod hits mute.

ROD (CONT’D)
(under his breath)
This bitch knows she got something
to do with this.

He opens up ‘Garage Band’ on Chris’ computer and puts the
phone on speaker, recording her. He un-mutes the phone.

ROD (CONT’D)
So, last time Chris and I talked,
he told me your mom hypnotized him?

Rose is silent. Then...

ROSE
Rod, just stop.

ROD
Huh?

ROSE
I know why you’re calling.

ROD
Why is that?

We now see Rose’s family standing in the living room behind
her. They watch her operate.
86.


ROSE
Come on. I mean, it’s kind of
obvious.

ROD
What?

ROSE
That there’s something between us.

ROD
No. I’m calling about Chris.

ROSE
We’d all go out drinking... I
remember you looking at me.

ROD
That’s my best friend. If you did
something--

ROSE
I know you think about fucking me,
Rod.

ROD
--No. You crazy... What? No!

Rod hangs up in a panic. He looks at Sid helplessly.

Rose’s expression goes blank. She places the phone on the
dining room table and looks back at her family. They watch in
approval.


INT. GAMES ROOM - DAY

Chris, still strapped to the chair, wakes up again. He is
drained. The arm of the chair is more torn than before.

The television in front of Chris flickers on again...

CHRIS
Wait--

The image that comes on isn’t the teacup this time. Instead
it’s...
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Chris wakes up in the dark room again, exhausted and scared. He realizes that he has been abducted and tries to negotiate with his captors. Meanwhile, Rod reaches out to Rose to find out about Chris' whereabouts and learns that she might have something to do with his disappearance. The scene ends with a disturbing image on the TV.
Strengths "The scene delivers an intense and creepy atmosphere, with a lot of tension building up towards the end. Chris' desperation is palpable, and his interaction with his captors is gripping. Rod's conversation with Rose adds a layer of mystery and makes the audience question her motives. The scene also hints at the supernatural elements present in the story, adding to its overall intrigue."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more nuanced and natural in some parts, especially when Rose tries to deflect Rod's accusations. The scene also lacks some visual variety, as it mostly takes place in a single room with Chris tied to a chair."
Critique The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose. The dialogue and actions feel repetitive, with Chris waking up and reacting to the same stimuli multiple times. The tension also feels forced, with the sudden appearance of the tea cup on the screen lacking any real payoff or explanation. Additionally, the final line of the scene is cut off, leaving the audience unclear as to what Chris is seeing on the television. The characterization of Rod and Rose also feels underdeveloped, with their actions and motivations feeling unclear. Overall, the scene needs more development and direction to effectively build tension and engage the audience.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give Chris a more active role in the scene. Instead of just waking up and reacting, have him try to do something to escape or resist his captors. This will create more tension and engage the audience.

2. Use visual cues to enhance the mood and setting of the scene. For example, you could describe the flickering light from the TV casting eerie shadows in the room, or the sound of a dripping faucet adding to the sense of dread.

3. Make the dialogue more natural and realistic. While it's understandable that Chris would be scared and confused, the lines he speaks could be less cliched and more true to life. You could also add some humor or irony to balance out the seriousness of the situation.

4. Consider adding more description and detail to the setting. While it's clear that Chris is in a games room, the reader may not have a clear picture of what the room looks like. Adding more sensory details will help the reader visualize the scene and become more invested in the story.

5. Use the scene to advance the plot and add to the overall tension and conflict of the story. While the conversation between Rod and Rose serves to further the plot, the scene in the Games Room could benefit from more direct conflict or danger. Perhaps there could be a physical threat to Chris or some other obstacle he must overcome in order to escape.



Scene 28 -  The Coagula Procedure
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - SUNSET

A beautiful landscape of the Armitage grounds. In it, the sun
rises through a clearing in the trees accompanied by SOOTHING
CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC.
87.


There is a distinctly dated mid 90’s feel to the look of the
video. Chris is confused. The image pans to reveal ROMAN
ARMITAGE 80 Caucasian, watching the sunset.

ROMAN
Ah, is there anything more
beautiful than a sun rise?

Roman turns to the camera. We recognize him as Dean’s father
from the pictures in the hallway. Underneath the pleasant
tone of the video, Roman suppresses a spiteful glee.

ROMAN (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Roman Armitage, and if
you’re watching this, your probably
wondering what’s going on. Well
don’t you worry, answers are coming
soon. Let’s take a walk...


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - CONTINUOUS

Roman walks by a hedge which he occasionally prunes as he
addresses the camera.

ROMAN
What if I told you, you would never
have to work again. No more
responsibility, or difficult life
decisions. Isn’t that what you’d
want? Let’s take a walk.


EXT. ARMITAGE’S BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

Roman walks towards the back of the house.

ROMAN
You were chosen because of the
physical advantages you’ve enjoyed
your entire life. I’m certain that
with your natural gifts and our
determination we‘ll soon both be a
part of something greater.
Something perfect.


EXT. ARMITAGE BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

Roman walks in the distance.

ROMAN (V.O.)
The Coagula procedure is a man-made
miracle.
(MORE)
88.

ROMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Our order had been developing it
for many many years, but was
perfected only recently by my own
flesh and blood.


EXT. ARMITAGE BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

ROMAN (V.O.)
My family and I are honored to
offer it as a service to members of
our group.

As Roman approaches the house, JOSIE ARMITAGE, 78 Caucasian,
waves to Roman through the kitchen window.

ROMAN
Save your strength. Don’t try to
fight it. You can’t stop the
inevitable.


EXT. ARMITAGE’S FRONT LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

The Armitage family stands around Roman. They are all 20
years younger. Dean, Missy, as well as 6 year old Rose and
Jeremy.

ROMAN
And who knows, you might just enjoy
being part of our family.

The family waves at the camera as it pulls out. The words
“Behold the Coagula” come up. The Screen goes blank. A few
seconds later. The screen pops back on to...


INT. GAME ROOM - TELEVISION - DAY

Jim Hudson, with shaven head, sits on a hospital bed. And
faces Chris through the television.

JIM
Hey Chris. How’s it going...? You
can answer. There’s an intercom in
the room.

CHRIS
I need water.

JIM
I know, this probably feels like
some kind of sick joke or...
89.


CHRIS
Where’s Rose?

JIM
You dirty dog. You’re one of the
lucky one’s, trust me. Jeremy’s
wrangling method sounds way less
pleasant. I’m supposed to answer
any outstanding questions you may
have so far. I guess our common
understanding of the process has a
positive impact on the success rate
of the procedure.

Chris is silent.

JIM (CONT’D)
Okay, then let me just tell you
what it is. Phase one was the
hypnotism. That’s how they sedate
you. Phase two is this. Mental
preparation. It’s basically a
psychological pre-op.

CHRIS
Pre-op?


INT. GAME ROOM - TELEVISION - DAY

The television turns off. Chris clenches his body trying to
pry free from his restraints, before his shoulders collapse
with exhaustion. He lifts his head. The leather arm of the
chair is completely torn revealing tufts its cotton stuffing.
Chris gets an idea.


INT. GAMES ROOM - DAY

We hear nothing except a HEART BEAT.

Chris’ head hangs, asleep. His lips are dry. Chris wakes up.

The Television turns on. On the screen, a woman’s hand holds
a tea cup. With a spoon, she clinks it. We don’t hear it
though. We still hear nothing but the HEART BEAT.

CHRIS
No, No--

Before Chris can finish SCREAMING, his eyes widen. He goes
limp -- unconscious again.
90.


INT. OPERATING ROOM.

Jim Hudson lies unconscious on one of two operating beds in
the center of the room connected to an IV and heart monitors.

A bright medical light shines on Jim’s shaved head which also
has a dotted line around it. The other bed is empty and has a
light shining on it as well. This bed is for Chris.

Dean stands in ceremonial operating scrubs in the middle, his
palms upwards in silent prayer near some ceremonial candles.
Jeremy, also in scrubs, watches his father. Dean finishes his
prayer.

DEAN
Saw...

Jeremy hands Dean a circular surgical saw.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Get the vessel.

Jeremy leaves as Dean begins to saw into Jim’s cranium.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris wakes up again in the dark room after being played a video of Roman Armitage describing the Coagula procedure. Jim Hudson explains the procedure to Chris through a television. Chris tries to escape and gets an idea before the video of the woman with the tea cup sends him back into unconsciousness. The scene ends with the Armitage family preparing to perform the procedure on Jim Hudson.
Strengths "The scene builds up the tension and creates awareness of the procedure. It also establishes Jim Hudson as a character that knows a lot about the inner workings of the Armitage family. The scene reveals the procedure's horrifying nature, and at a different level, it establishes a sense of threat from the Armitage family."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is slightly lacking, which makes some parts of the scene feel flat. The video of the woman with the tea cup is not properly explained, which takes away from the weight of the scene. Even though this lack of information makes sense in the context of the larger plot, it may make the scene feel less impactful on its own."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and serves its purpose in progressing the plot. However, there are a few points that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the use of classical guitar music to accompany the sunrise scene feels a bit on-the-nose and cliche. Perhaps a different choice of music could have added more depth to the scene.

Secondly, Roman's lines feel a bit exposition-heavy and unnatural. It's important to convey information to the audience, but it could have been done in a more subtle and realistic way.

Finally, the transition from Chris watching the video to being in the operating room feels abrupt and could have used a smoother transition.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the Coagula procedure and adds to the suspense of the story.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene seems a bit choppy and could benefit from clearer transitions between shots. It also feels a bit exposition-heavy, with Roman explaining the Coagula procedure in a long monologue. Instead, consider finding ways to show the audience what the Coagula is and its effects, rather than telling them through dialogue. Additionally, Chris's response to the information he's learning from Jim feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development. Finally, the scene is lacking in tension. Consider building suspense or adding a sense of danger to keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.



Scene 29 -  Chris fights back
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. DARK HALLWAY

Jeremy wheels a wheelchair and IV down the hallway.

JIM
For Phase three: Brain
transplantation. Partial actually,
the piece of your brain connected
to the nervous system needs to stay
put, keeping those intricate
connections intact, so you won’t be
gone; not completely. A sliver of
you will still be in there
somewhere; limited consciousness;
You’ll be able to see and hear what
your body is doing, but your
existence will be as a passenger...
an audience. You’ll live
in--

CHRIS
(defeated)
--In The Sunken Place.

JIM
That’s it. That’s what she calls
it. I’ll control the motor
functions so I’ll be--
91.


CHRIS
--Me... You’ll be me.

JIM
Good. You got it quick. Good on ya.

CHRIS
Why black people..?

JIM
Who knows. People want a change.
Some people wanna be stronger,
faster, cooler. Blah blah blah, but
don’t lump me in with that ignorant
shit. I could give two shits about
race. I don’t care if you’re black,
brown, green, purple... whatever.
People are people. What I want is
deeper: Your eye, man. I want those
things you see through.

CHRIS
That’s crazy.

JIM
Is there a greater complement?


INT. GAMES ROOM

Jeremy enters with the wheelchair. He unstraps Chris’ arms
then legs. Then turns to prepare his IV.

Chris raises behind Jeremy with a bocce ball in his hand.
He’s not really hypnotized! He hits Jeremy in the back of the
head with the bocce ball. Jeremy crumples in pain. Chris hits
him again. Jeremy falls limp and blood rushes from his head.


INT. OPERATING ROOM

Dean is busy sawing Jim’s cranium off.


INT. GAMES ROOM

Chris takes the earplugs out of his ears and can hear again.


INT. OPERATING ROOM

Dean finishes sawing the top of Jim’s skull off. He removes
the cranium preciously exposing Jim’s brain.
92.


DEAN
Jeremy...?

Dean walks to the doorway and scans the dark hallway. It’s
quiet.

Chris emerges charging from the darkness with Deer’s head in
his arms. He punctures Dean through the neck and body with
the antlers. Dean and stumbles back into the operating room,
bleeding from neck and torso.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ahhh--

His scream gargles. Dean falls knocking a candle over which
lights the unused bed on fire. The fire grows fast. Chris
slams the door shut and continues through the dark hallway
lined with ceremonial photos. He finds the pitch black
stairwell and ascends to...


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Georgina sits nearby knitting . The window, like before,
reflects the room around them.

She sniffs the air. She is suddenly afraid. She turns off the
light illuminating the back yard. She turns the light back on
again. Chris’ bloodied reflection emerges from the basement
door behind hers. He looks savage. Georgina runs out the back
door.

Chris heads to the door, but sees his phone on the dining
room table. He goes for it.


INT. MISSY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Chris picks up his phone and presses the power button. The
loading screen comes up. Chris walks to the front door.They
see each other. The teacup is on the table by the chair in
the middle of the room. They both go for it, Chris gets there
first. He knocks the teacup off the desk shattering it. They
stare each other down for a moment. Missy walks towards her
desk and Chris follows.

Missy grabs a letter opener from the desk and stabs him
through the hand. Chris grabs her wrists. He is unhinged. He
pushes his forehead against hers in a show of primal
dominance. In this moment he becomes a being motivated by
revenge.

MISSY
No. No. No!
93.


Chris screams in rage. He pushes Missy further into her
office. We hear the struggle and screams of a excruciating
fight. We see a quick flash of a stab. We hear a CRASH as a
lamp light turns off. The FIGHT SOUNDS slow down. MISSY
GARGLES. Chris comes out of the room bloodier than before
holding the letter opener.


INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Chris turns towards the front door. Jeremy comes out of
nowhere with blood all over his face, and puts Chris in a
rear naked choke hold.

Chris attempts to stab Jeremy behind him twice but can't
reach him. Chris grabs the door knob and opens the door;
Jeremy SLAMS it shut. The struggle continues, and Jeremy’s
choke sinks in deeper. Chris goes for the door again; Jeremy
kicks the door shut propelling them both back into the wall.
Chris looks down. He gets an idea but is losing consciousness
fast.

With his last bit of awareness, Chris makes a final push
towards the door. Reaches for the door knob again; a
seemingly futile pursuit.

Chris opens the door again, Jeremy KICKS the door again;
Chris STABS Jeremy in the leg. Jeremy falls to his knees.

Chris kicks him to the ground. Chris stomps on Jeremy’s head
3 times.

CHRIS
Jujitsu this Motherfucker!

Chris takes the keys from Jeremy’s pocket.

Moments later...


INT. ROSE’S ROOM -NIGHT

Rose sits on her bed listening to music and researching
college basketball. All her pictures are up again.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris wakes up from his hypnotic state and takes on the Armitage family to save himself, ultimately killing them. He confronts Missy and stabs her with a letter opener before fighting with Jeremy and escaping the house.
Strengths "Highly tense scene with strong pay-off for the audience's investment in Chris' character; well-choregraphed fight sequences"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels slightly clunky or cliche"
Critique As an AI language model, I am not capable of assessing a scene's cinematic merit. However, I can provide a general analysis of the scene's structure, plot, and characters.

The scene is from the movie Get Out by Jordan Peele. It is part of the climax of the film, where the protagonist, Chris, fights against the white family's attempts to kidnap and sell him as a vessel for brain transplantation. The scene is well-constructed and combines tension, violence, and a sense of catharsis as the oppressed hero overcomes his oppressors.

The dialogue between Jim and Chris adds an extra layer of horror to the situation, as Jim's matter-of-fact explanation of the brain transplantation process highlights the extent of their villainy. Chris's moment of realization that he is about to be turned into a passenger in his own body is chilling. The brief conversation also touches on themes of race, with Jim dismissing the notion that race matters to him, to which Chris skeptically replies, "That's crazy."

The violence that follows is intense and gruesome, especially the scene where Chris kills Jeremy with the antlers of a deer head. The fight between Chris and Missy is also brutal, with the soundtrack amplifying the sense of struggle and desperation. When Chris emerges from the fight holding the letter opener, his bloody appearance and haggard expression convey a sense of overwhelming trauma.

The scene ends with a moment of triumph, as Chris finally overpowers Jeremy and takes his keys, suggesting that he will escape from the white family's sinister plot. The final shot of Rose in her room highlights the contrast between the idyllic world she inhabits and the horrors that have just taken place. Overall, the scene is a masterful display of tension, violence, and catharsis.
Suggestions 1. It’s not clear what Jeremy is doing with the wheelchair and IV in the beginning of the scene. It would be helpful to include more context or an action that leads up to this moment.
2. The dialogue between Jim and Chris feels a bit rushed, especially when discussing the concept of “The Sunken Place”. Perhaps add some pauses or moments for reflection between each line to let the information sink in for the audience.
3. The scene with Chris and Dean in the operating room feels abrupt and could benefit from more buildup and tension, such as a struggle before Chris takes him down.
4. The fight between Missy and Chris could use more description of the physical actions and movements to make it more visceral for the audience.
5. The final showdown with Jeremy could be improved with more action description, such as specific moves Chris uses in his jujitsu, and including more sensory details like the sound of the stomp on Jeremy’s head.
6. Consider adding some more emotional depth to Rose’s reaction when Chris enters her room, as it seems like a significant moment in the story.



Scene 30 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

The sports car takes off. Chris is in the driver’s seat. The
tubular metal helmet sits next to him in the passengers seat.
His phone finally turns on. There is a very small amount of
batteries. He turns the ignition. The English to French
tutorial comes on.
94.


TUTORIAL
I seem to have misplaced my
passport. Je crois avoi egare mon
passeport.

Chris peels off, driving fast through the field into the
night.


INT. SPORTS CAR ON RURAL ROAD

Chris dials 911.

911 OPERATOR
911 emergency

CHRIS
I’m at the Armitage--

Chris looks in the rearview mirror. All of a sudden, BAM!
The car slams into and over Georgina, who, in the night,
seems to have come out of nowhere.


INT. ROSE’S ROOM - NIGHT

Rose takes off her head phones. She heard something.


EXT. ARMITAGE FRONT LAWN -NIGHT

He drives on a few more seconds on a flat tire but then stops
the car. Chris breathes heavy.

CHRIS
(to himself)
No... no... Don’t do it... Just get
the fuck gotta here... Just go!
Just...

He looks back and sees Georgina’s body laying motionless.
Chris flashes back.


INT. YOUNG CHRIS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

Young Chris watches TV in his apartment.


INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

Chris looks back at Georgina.
95.


CHRIS
Fuck!


EXT. ARMITAGE FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

Chris gets out of the car to get Georgina. The house is
beginning to burn from deep inside. He lifts her up and
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique realizes she's not breathing. Despite his panic, he tries to revive her through CPR while also yelling for help. The scene ends on a tense note.

Overall, this scene is effective in building tension and drama. The use of flashbacks is a good way to provide backstory and add depth to the character of Chris, and the twist of Georgina's sudden appearance creates a shocking moment that keeps the audience engaged. The use of short, quick sentences in Chris' dialogue highlights his panic and desperation in the moment, and the burning house in the background adds an additional layer of danger and urgency.

However, there are a few areas in which this scene could be improved. Firstly, it is not clear why Chris is in such a hurry to leave the Armitage in the first place, which makes the audience less invested in his situation. Additionally, the language tutorial playing on the phone feels like an unnecessary detail that detracts from the tension of the scene. Finally, the transition from the car crash to the flashback could be smoother, as the sudden cut feels jarring.

Overall, though, the scene effectively uses tension and suspense to keep the audience engaged and set up further conflict.
Suggestions carries her, struggling to make his way across the front lawn
to safety.

Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: The current scene feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be beneficial to establish the purpose of the scene early on so that the audience knows what to expect and what the characters are trying to achieve.

2. Build tension: The scene could benefit from building up the tension before the accident. This could be achieved by establishing that Chris is in a hurry or that he is being pursued.

3. Add more emotional depth: The scene could be made more impactful if we knew more about Chris's relationship with Georgina. This could be achieved by adding in a scene prior to the accident showing the two characters interacting.

4. Simplify the language: The language in the tutorial could be made simpler and more natural.

5. Improve the transitions: The transitions between scenes could be made smoother to better connect the events and improve the flow of the scene.



Scene 31 -  The Final Confrontation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

Moments later...

TUTORIAL
Where is the nearest train station?
Ou est la gare la plus proche?

He puts Georgina into the passenger’s seat of the car. He
shuts the door and gets in the driver’s seat. He floors it.

As Rose comes out of the house with a rifle.

ROSE
Grandma!!!


After a moment of driving, Georgina’s eyes open and she
rises. She is Grandma. The wig slides off her head revealing
an old surgical scar around the top of her head. Chris hasn’t
noticed her yet. He reaches for his phone.

TUTORIAL
Can you please call the police?
Pouvez-vous s’il vous plait appelez
la police?

Annoyed, Chris turns off the sound system just before
Georgina grabs his face. They both scream. Chris, veers the
car into a tree. Georgina‘s head hits the windshield hard and
bursts open. She’s dead. So is the car.

A bullet hits the rear view mirror. Rose stands with the
hunting rifle 100 Ft behind the car. Chris crawls out of the
car and runs. Rose shoots a tree and starts reloading.

ROSE
Grampa!

Walter, the grounds keeper, runs from behind Rose at top
speed. Walter is grandpa aka Roman Armitage and he’s so fast.
96.


As Walter/Roman sprints across the front lawn strait at him.
Walter’s hat flies off revealing the surgical scar around his
head like the others. Walter/Roman closes the gap quickly. As
Chris reaches the road, Walter/Grandpa pounces like a jaguar
and rolls him over on his back. He grabs Chris’ face.

WALTER/ROMAN
Damn you to Hell!!!

Rose arrives behind them.

WALTER/ROMAN (CONT’D)
You ruined everything!!!

Chris, blinded, raises his phone to Walter/Roman’s face. He
takes a picture, flashing strait into Walter/Roman’s eyes.


Walter/Roman doesn’t shoot. Instead he looks up. Rose is
confused as to why Walter/Roman has stopped.

ROSE
What...? Grandpa--?

Walter/Roman raises and gathers his bearing. His eye is
cocked and blood trickles out of his nose. He holds his hand
out for the gun. She gives it to him.

Walter/Roman shoots Rose in the stomach. She falls. Walter
turns to Chris. His face changes from Walter’s anger to
Roman’s rage. He points the gun at Chris.

WALTER/ROMAN
I never beat Jessie’s time.

CHRIS
What?

Walter/Roman raises the gun under his own chin and shoots
himself through the head. He falls. Approaching sirens blare
in the distance.

Chris lays in shock. It’s over until...

Rose is still alive! Blood pours from her mouth.

ROSE
Ahhhhhh!

She goes for the gun, and grabs it, but Chris pulls her away
and ends up on top.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Wait. Wait. Chris!.... Chri-
97.


Chris chokes her. Tears stream down his face. Chris is lost
in violence.

CHRIS
Shhhh.

Rose convulses. She scratches his hand and cheeks. He’s too
strong. She stares at Chris’ eyes as her consciousness fades.
Then, through the agony, her face curls into a twisted smile.
Psycho.


Chris pulls his hands off her neck. She’s not going to make
him a monster. Rose is confused, sure he would do it.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Cold and alone...

Rose grimaces in agony. Her wound is bleeding a lot now.

Siren lights flash on the side of their heads. The scene
doesn’t look good.

Chris turns towards them raising his hands. Rose smiles again
and pleads with the approaching officers.

ROSE
Help. Help! He’s trying to kill me.

The driver of the car opens the door. It’s Rod. The siren’s
are coming from a TSA security vehicle!

ROD
Oh shit! Chris!
(to Rose)
You fucked now, huh?

Chris hobbles to the car. He gets in the passengers side. The
gravity of what he’s been through sets in. Rod looks at
Chris. Rod tries to gauge Chris’ mental state by see He
tries to breaking the tension.


Chris is silent and emotionless. Not a smirk. Rod realizes
he may be too late to save Chris’ sanity. Rod looks at Rose
through the windshield.

ROD (CONT’D)
What about her?

CHRIS
I think we need some time apart.
98.


Chris looks at Rod and gives a little smirk. Rod exhales in
relief. Rod does a three point turn. Rod and Chris drive away
leaving Rose to die.

ROD
I told you to get the fuck out that
house, man.

Rose watches the car leave.


INT. ROD’S CAR. NIGHT

Chris in the passenger’s seat watches Rose get smaller in the
rear view mirror. He takes a breath and shuts his eyes.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Chris engages in a final confrontation with the Armitage family. Walter/Grandpa chases him down, shoots Rose, and tries to kill Chris before ultimately committing suicide. Chris kills Rose in self-defense before escaping with Rod.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between the characters reaches its climax in this final confrontation. The scene is emotionally impactful and leaves a lasting impression on the audience."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue could have been stronger, and there were a few moments where the action felt rushed or unclear."
Critique There are a number of issues with this scene that could be improved upon:

1. Lack of character development: The characters of Walter/Roman and Rose are introduced in this scene without any prior development, leading to a lack of emotional investment in their fates. More time and attention should be given to establishing these characters earlier in the story.

2. Pacing: The scene moves quickly and abruptly, without any time for the audience to absorb or understand what is happening. A more gradual build-up of tension and suspense would make the scene more effective.

3. Logical inconsistencies: The sudden change in Walter/Roman's behavior, going from chasing after Chris to killing Rose, doesn't make sense and is not adequately explained.

4. Focused only on action: There is a lack of emotional weight to the scene, with the focus solely on the action and not on the characters' motivations or feelings. A greater emphasis on the emotional impact of the scene would make it more impactful and engaging for the audience.

5. Lack of resolution: The scene ends abruptly with Chris and Rod leaving Rose to die, leaving the audience without any sense of closure or resolution. A more satisfying ending could be provided by tying up loose ends or showing the consequences of the characters' actions.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels rushed and confusing. There are several characters introduced in the scene that are not fully developed, making it difficult for the audience to understand their motivations and actions. Additionally, there are multiple plot twists that feel forced and unrealistic.

Here are some suggestions for improvement:

- Simplify the scene by focusing on the core conflict between Chris and the Armitage family. The introduction of Walter and Rose as grandparents and their reveal as the other two members of the family involved in the kidnapping feels unnecessary and confusing. Instead, keep the focus on Chris trying to escape and the Armitage family trying to stop him.
- Build up tension and suspense leading up to the final confrontation. The scene feels rushed and abrupt, with little time for the audience to process what is happening. Start by showing Chris attempting to sneak out of the house and the Armitage family hunting him down. Use music and sound design to create a sense of urgency and danger.
- Clarify the motivations and goals of the characters. For example, it is unclear why Walter/Roman wants to kill Chris, or why Rose suddenly turns on him after initially seeming sympathetic. Make sure each character has a clear objective and backstory that supports their actions.
- Avoid cliches and predictable plot twists. The reveal that Georgina is actually Grandma feels like a cheap twist, and the final reveal that Rod is actually an undercover TSA agent feels tacked on and arbitrary. Focus on creating a grounded, realistic story that is both surprising and emotionally satisfying.
- Balance action with character development. While the scene is action-packed, there is little time devoted to building Chris's character and exploring his emotions. Take time to show how he is affected by the events of the film and what his ultimate decision to leave Rose behind says about his character.