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Scene 1 -  Last Orders
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
by
Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright
SPOOKY NOISES...CURIOUSLY ELECTRONIC...A BELL RINGS...


INT. PUB -NIGHT

LANDLORD (O.S.)
Last orders please.

Close up on the face of a MAN. He draws on his cigarette.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Shaun?

SHAUN stares blankly into space.

SHAUN
Yeah...

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Do you see what I’m saying?

SHAUN
Yeah, totally.

We reveal that SHAUN is sitting with a woman, LIZ. They are
both in their late twenties. LIZ looks slightly concerned,
SHAUN looks slightly confused. They are having a drink.

LIZ
You shouldn’t feel so responsible.

SHAUN
Yeah...

LIZ
I know he’s your best friend but
you do live with him.

SHAUN
I know...

LIZ
It’s not that I don’t like Ed.
(speaks off to her right)
Ed, it’s not that I don’t like you.

ED
S’alright.

We reveal ED right next to them, playing a horror themed
FRUIT MACHINE which bleeps spooky electronic noises. He is in
his late twenties and slightly overweight.
2.

LIZ
It’d just be nice if we could-

ED
(hits the fruit machine)
Fuck!

LIZ
-spend a bit more time together-

ED
Bollocks!

LIZ
-just the two of us-

ED
Cock it!

A beat.

LIZ
We have a laugh don’t we?

SHAUN
Yeah...

SHAUN and LIZ smile, sharing some private joke. SHAUN
relaxes, momentarily off the hook. But...

LIZ
But with Ed always here, it’s no
wonder I end up bringing my
flatmates out. Then that only
exacerbates things.

SHAUN
What do you mean?

LIZ
Well, you guys hardly get on do
you?

SHAUN
No, what does exacerbate mean?

LIZ
It means ‘to make things worse’.

SHAUN
Oh right. Look, it’s not that I
don’t like David and Di.
(speaks off to his right)
(MORE)
3.

SHAUN (CONT'D)
Guys, it’s not that I don’t like
you...

DAVID DIANNE
That’s alright. That’s alright.

We reveal DAVID and DIANNE, sitting next to LIZ. Both in
their late twenties, DAVID is trendy but straight-laced, DI
is colourful and chirpy. They hold hands.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
And it’s not that I don’t want to
spend time with you because I do.
It’s just, Ed doesn’t really have
too many friends-

ED
Can I get any of you cunts a drink?

SHAUN closes his eyes.

ED (CONT’D)
Anybody?

DAVID DIANNE
No thanks. No thanks.

LIZ
I’m fine thanks, Ed.

ED
Pint Shaun?

SHAUN nods. ED holds out his palm to SHAUN, who sighs and
reluctantly hands him a fiver. Meanwhile, DAVID steps in.

DAVID
I know friends are important Shaun,
but you’ve got to set aside quality
time for just the two of you. I
know I would, if I was Lizzy’s
boyfriend.

DAVID looks at LIZ with affection, as DIANNE chips in.

DIANNE
Or get out more. Daffs is always
taking me out to see his listed
buildings, I’m always dragging him
to the theatre.

SHAUN
I’m not so hot on theatre.
4.

DIANNE
I took my students to see this
great new play about incest. Very
cool. Lots of swearing.

LIZ
He’s not so hot on theatre.

DIANNE
Well, how about a nice meal? You
could go to that restaurant me and
Daffs go to. The place that does
all the fish. It’s your anniversary
soon isn’t it?

DAVID
It was last week.

DIANNE
Oh, so did you do anything special?

LIZ
We came here.

SHAUN
Yeah, but that was just me and you.

LIZ
And Ed.

SHAUN
He wasn’t with us.

LIZ
He was sitting at the bar. It’s not
the same.

ED (O.S.)
Shauny, hog lumps!

A packet of Pork Scratchings hits SHAUN square in the face.

LIZ
Shaun, what I’m trying to say is, I
need something a little more.

SHAUN offers her a Pork Scratching. She declines.

LIZ (CONT’D)
More than spending every night in
the Winchester. I mean, I’m 29.
(MORE)
5.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I’ve got things I want to do with
my life, I want to get out there,
do more interesting stuff, live a
little, but I’d love to be able to
do it with you, but I want you to
want to want to do it too.

LIZ laughs grimly at her own silly sentence. She then takes a
pork scratching and regards SHAUN with a mixture of
exasperation and affection.

LIZ (CONT’D)
I don’t want to go on at you,
Jesus, listen to me. I’m beginning
to sound like your Mum. Not that
I’d know what she sounds like.

DAVID
You still haven’t met his Mum?

SHAUN
Not Yet.

DAVID
I can’t believe you haven’t met his
mum.

LIZ
It’s not that simple.

DIANNE
Don’t you get along with your Mum,
Shaun?

SHAUN
It’s not that I don’t get along
with her-

DAVID
Are you ashamed of your Mum, Shaun?

SHAUN
No I’m not, I love my Mum.

ED
(returning with drinks)
I love his Mum.

SHAUN
Ed-

ED
She’s butter.
6.

SHAUN
Ed!

DAVID
Shaun-

DIANNE
Shaun-

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Guys-

LIZ
Shaun-

SHAUN
Liz.
(holds up his hands)
I totally understand what you’re
saying and I agree, really I do. We
should get out there. Do more
interesting stuff. Together. We’ll
start tomorrow, I’ll book a
restaurant. The place that does all
the fish. We’ll do it properly.
Just the two of us. Things’ll
change. Promise.

LIZ
Really Shaun?

The LANDLORD calls time. SHAUN stares back into space.

LIZ (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Shaun?

The BELL rings again. The SPOOKY NOISES continue as...

TITLES BEGIN

A MONTAGE OF GREATER LONDON, Saturday 8 A.M. (All actions in
the sequence are choreographed to the TITLE MUSIC)

...A traffic jam. Drivers stare blankly ahead. A MIDDLE AGED
MAN sits in a Jag wearing DRIVING GLOVES...

...A bus stop. BORED COMMUTERS ignore each other...

...A vast supermarket car park. Customers park up as a bow
tied OLD MAN slowly collects discarded trolleys...

...A 24 hour supermarket serves earlybird customers. A vacant
CHECKOUT GIRL bleeps products through her till...
7.

...A nightclub in an industrial estate expels its last
patrons. DAZED YOUNG CLUBBERS wander into the daylight...

...A nondescript suburb. A BORED KID kicks a FOOTBALL against
a wall. We CLOSE IN on a semi-detached house...
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun's girlfriend expresses her frustration with his lack of ambition and inability to spend quality time just the two of them. Despite his attempts to promise change, Shaun seems to be stuck in his routine.
Strengths "Well-crafted dialogue and character interactions, effectively sets up conflict and foreshadows character arcs."
Weaknesses "Slow pace, lack of visual action."
Critique This scene from Shaun of the Dead is well written and engaging. The dialogue flows naturally and the characters are distinct and interesting. The use of sound effects adds to the atmosphere and helps to create tension. The opening shot of Shaun staring blankly into space sets the tone for his character's journey. The scene effectively establishes the central conflict between Shaun and Liz, as she expresses her dissatisfaction with their routine and desire to have more excitement in their relationship. The ending with the montage effectively shows the mundanity of everyday life, which will later be contrasted with the zombie apocalypse. Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively sets up the themes and character arcs of the film.
Suggestions There are a few ways to potentially improve this scene:

1. Focus on the spookiness: The scene opens with spooky noises and a bell ringing, which could be utilized more to set the tone and create tension. One suggestion could be to have the characters react to this in some way, either with fear or curiosity.

2. Use visuals to convey information: While the dialogue is clear in establishing relationships between the characters, it could be enhanced by visual cues. For example, showing a close-up of Liz's hand holding Shaun's could emphasize their relationship.

3. Cut down on dialogue: While the dialogue in this scene is realistic and establishes character relationships, it could be condensed to keep the pace of the scene moving. One suggestion could be to eliminate some of the repeated phrases, such as when Liz and Shaun both say "yeah" in agreement.

4. Foreshadowing: The scene could potentially benefit from some subtle foreshadowing of events later in the movie – for example, if there was a visual cue or line of dialogue that hinted at the zombie apocalypse that is central to the plot.



Scene 2 -  Morning at Shaun's House
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 3
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOUSE -DAY

Bare feet shuffle into shot. Slowly we PAN UP to see-

SHAUN. Dead to the world. His face tired. He yawns.

We are in the lounge. The decor is male, the room untidy. ED
is sitting on the sofa, playing a video game.

He may have been there all night. SHAUN sits next to him,
picks up a game controller and presses a button. A VOICE
booms.

GAME VOICE
Player two has entered the game.

ED
Haven’t you got work?

SHAUN puts the controller back down.

GAME VOICE
Player two has left the game.


INT. BATHROOM -DAY

A TOILET is flushed...a SHOWER run...TEETH brushed...

SHAUN now wears a white short-sleeved shirt. He straightens
his tie in the mirrored door of the bathroom cabinet, which
is ajar. He shuts it.

PETE stands in the reflection. His face like thunder.

PETE
You do know the front door was open
again last night?


INT. KITCHEN -DAY

A DRAWER is yanked open...A KNIFE grabbed...TOAST buttered. A
BOTTLE OF MILK hits the table. PETE screws the lid on.

PETE
I’m not saying it was you.
8.

SHAUN
I know man but-

PETE
I’m saying it was Ed.

SHAUN
Right.

PETE returns the milk to its rightful place in the fridge. He
also wears a shirt and tie, but is somewhat smarter.

PETE
I can’t live like this. Look at the
state of it. We’re not students
anymore.

SHAUN
Pete-

PETE
It’s not like he even brings any
real money into the house.

SHAUN
He brings a bit.

PETE
What, dealing drugs?

SHAUN
Come on. He sells a bit of weed
every now and again. You’ve sold
puff.

PETE
Once! At college! To you! Anyway, I
did a lot of stupid things at
college Shaun. I dressed up as
Frank N. Furter, I drank snakebite
and black, I slept with a fat girl.
Doesn’t mean I want to do any of
them for a living.

SHAUN
Look I’ve known him since primary
school. I like having him around.
He’s a laugh.

PETE
What because he can impersonate an
orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
9.

SHAUN
What?

PETE
He’s dead weight Shaun.

SHAUN
Oh leave him alone.

PETE
Okay, I admit, he can be pretty
funny on occasion. I had a great
time that night we sat up drinking
Apple Schnapps and playing Tekken
2.

SHAUN
Yeah, when was that?

PETE
Five years ago. When is he going
home?

ED
Whassup niggaz?

ED enters and takes the milk from the fridge, he swigs from
the bottle and wanders out, scratching his nuts.

SHAUN
I’ll have a word.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Shaun, Pete, and Ed go about their morning routine in the messy house, with Pete expressing frustration over Ed's lack of contribution to the household.
Strengths "The scene establishes the main characters' morning routine and casual tone, with some humor injected through the dialogue."
Weaknesses "There are no significant plot developments, the scene lacks emotional impact, and the stakes are low."
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and captures the tone of the film. The use of simple actions to convey character traits is effective, such as the bare feet shuffling and Ed scratching his nuts. The dialogue is realistic and captures the relationships between the characters, particularly the tension between Pete and Ed. However, there could be more specificity in the actions and blocking to make the scene more visually interesting. Additionally, it would benefit from a clearer objective for each character to drive the scene forward and add tension.
Suggestions My suggestions for improving this scene would be:

1. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Pete tell Shaun that Ed is dead weight, show us why he is. Maybe have a scene where Ed's laziness or lack of contribution to the household is more obvious.

2. Give the characters more depth: We don't yet know who Shaun, Ed, or Pete are. Adding more personality traits, backstory, or quirks can make them more interesting to the audience.

3. Add conflict: The scene is mostly exposition. Adding in a disagreement or a complication to the conversation can make it more engaging to watch.

4. Raise the stakes: What are the consequences of Ed's behavior? Will it affect the characters' relationships, finances, or safety? Adding stakes can create tension and make the audience care more about what happens next.

5. Show the setting: The script tells us that the decor is male and the room is untidy, but we don't get a good sense of what that means. Adding in more details about the setting can make it feel more real and immersive for the audience.



Scene 3 -  Morning Routine
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LOUNGE -DAY

SHAUN sits down by ED, who is again playing the video game.
PETE watches at the door.

SHAUN
Hey man, listen...top left...

ED
Thanks.

SHAUN
...I was just going to
say...reload!

ED
I’m on it.

SHAUN
...since you’re...ooh nice shot.
10.

ED
Thanks.

SHAUN
Since you’re in most of the day-

ED’s mobile rings (ring tone: ‘HALLOWEEN’).

ED
Two seconds.
(answers)
Alright Noodle...No I only got an
‘enry. Shortage on...Alright.
Laters.

ED resumes his game. PETE’s seen enough and wades in.

PETE
Ed, since you’re not working at the
moment, could you please clean up a
bit?

ED
I am working.

PETE
Since you are in the flat all the
time do you think you could clean
up a bit?

ED
Yep.

PETE
And if you play the answer machine,
could you take down everyone’s
messages, not just your own?

ED
Yep.

PETE
It’s not that taxing is it? Writing
something on a ‘post-it’ note?

ED
Nope.

PETE’s mobile rings as he leaves (ring tone: ‘LIVE FOREVER’
by Oasis). He puts on his jacket. On the back is a ‘post-it’
reading - ‘I AM A PRICK’

SHAUN sees this and shakes his head wearily at ED.
11.

ED (CONT’D)
Come on. It was pretty funny.

SHAUN
Seriously, will you do what he
said?

ED
I ain’t doing nothing for him.

SHAUN
Well, do it for me then.

ED
(pauses game)
I’m sorry Shaun.

SHAUN
It’s okay.

ED
No, I’m sorry Shaun.

SHAUN puzzles, before his expression turns to disgust.

SHAUN
Oh man that’s bad. You’re rotten.

ED laughs. SHAUN does too, as he covers his nose and mouth.

ED
I’ll stop doing them when you stop
laughing.

SHAUN
I’m not laughing. I’m going.

SHAUN leaves. The phone rings. The answer machine picks up.

PETE (V.O.)
Hi, you’re through to Peter and
Shaun. Please leave a message after
the –

Beep. PUSH IN as the RED LIGHT flashes.

LIZ (V.O.)
Hello Shaun, it’s me. Look I’m
going to be tied up a bit today,
I’ve got twenty year ten essays to
mark and I want to get them out of
the way, so when you book the
table, can you make it eight rather
than seven?
(MORE)
12.

LIZ (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You’re probably not there anyway.
I’ll try you at work. so...okay.
Bye, bye. Bye. Bye.

CLOSER. The RED LIGHT flashes. The screen is filled.


EXT. STREET –CONTINUOUS

BANG. A FOOTBALL hits SHAUN in the head. He turns to see the
BORED KID grinning at him. He responds playfully.

SHAUN
Oh you’re dead!

SHAUN boots the ball back. He walks past PETE in his car and
crosses the road. He heads for the newsagent passing a
HOMELESS MAN in a green coat with a dog on a lead. He stands
with an ARM OUTSTRETCHED. SHAUN gives him some change.


INT. NEWSAGENT -DAY

SHAUN grabs a coke from the fridge and goes to the counter.

SHAUN
Nelson?

There’s no-one there. SHAUN waits, idly scanning across the
day’s papers, their headlines partially concealed.

‘G.M. CROPS BLAMED FOR...’ ‘...UNIDENTIFIED MUTILATED...’
‘...SUPER-FLU...’ ‘...DOWNED SATELLITE CAUSES...’

SHAUN peers closer. As if by magic, the SHOPKEEPER appears.

NELSON
Hello my friend. No beer today?

SHAUN
Bit early for me.

A PALE SUITED MAN enters hurriedly, as we follow SHAUN out.

PALE SUITED MAN (O.S.)
Do you have any Aspirin?

NELSON (O.S.)
Sold out.
13.

EXT. TUBE STATION -DAY

COMMUTER
What!?

STATION GUARD
Body on the line.

SHAUN stands amid LIVID COMMUTERS. A POLICE CAR blazes past.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun, Pete, and Ed go about their morning routine with Shaun leaving for work. The scene also shows a glimpse of Shaun's mundane daily life and his interaction with the homeless man.
Strengths "The scene successfully sets up the mundane daily life of Shaun, with some amusing interactions between the characters. It also offers glimpses of conflicts between characters and foreshadows future events. The scene efficiently establishes the tone of the screenplay."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot development and emotional impact. Some dialogue feels redundant."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written. The dialogue flows naturally and the action is easy to follow. The scene also sets up the story and introduces the main character, Shaun, and his daily routine. However, there is room for improvement in terms of character development. While we learn about Shaun's job and his relationship with his friends, we don't get to know much about his personality or motivations. It would also be beneficial to have some visual cues or imagery to enhance the scene and make it more visually interesting. Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively sets up the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving this scene:
- Consider adding more action or visual details to make the scene more interesting to watch. Right now, it's mostly just dialogue and we don't get a strong sense of the setting or characters.
- Develop the characters and their relationships more. We don't know much about Shaun, Ed, or Pete, so it's hard to be invested in their interactions or conflicts. Giving us more backstory or personality traits for these characters would help make them more memorable and engaging.
- Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue. It feels a bit repetitive and doesn't add much to the scene. Streamlining the conversation and making it more concise would help keep the pace up and make the scene feel tighter.
- Find ways to connect this scene to the larger plot of the movie. Right now, it feels a bit random and doesn't tie into any overarching storylines or themes. If you can find ways to link this scene to the rest of the movie and make it feel more important, it will be more effective.



Scene 4 -  Shaun's Workday Morning
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BUS -DAY

SHAUN is sat on a bus crowded with BLANK PASSENGERS; a PASTY
GUY listens to his walkman, an OLD MAN slowly nods off.

SHAUN looks out of the window. On the street, he sees a YOUNG
WOMAN faint. A number of PASSERS-BY rush to her aid.

SHAUN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Gather round everyone...


INT. SHOP-FLOOR. ELECTRICAL STORE -DAY

SHAUN
...gather round. Now as well as Mr.
Sloman being off sick, I’m afraid
Ash is also a bit under the
weather, so I’m taking charge
today, as I’m the...

YOUNG VOICE (O.S.)
Oldest.

SHAUN
...senior staff member.

We reveal a bunch of surly young SHOP ASSISTANTS chewing in
unison, in front of SHAUN. Among them, NOEL and DANNY.

NOEL
I’m feeling under the weather, can
I have the day off?

A ripple of laughter. SHAUN tries to find it funny.

SHAUN
No, Ash genuinely is ill. So we’re
going to have to pull together
today-

A mobile phone interrupts.
14.

NOEL
Yeah? Hello mate.

SHAUN
Noel, could you-

NOEL
Two seconds.

NOEL holds up his hand. SHAUN concedes weakly.

NOEL (CONT’D)
Yeah man. I was totally munted.
Yeah I spoke to him. He’s only got
an ‘enry.

SHAUN is left twiddling his red biro.

NOEL (CONT’D)
Alright man. Laters.
(hangs up)
Continue.

SHAUN
Thanks. As Mr. Sloman says,
“there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’ but there
is an ‘I’ in ‘pie’...something
about a team pie...I don’t know.
That’s it-

The ASSISTANTS are already off, ambling to their stations.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Danny can you uh...

DANNY is already opening the front doors...

SHAUN (CONT’D)
And Sarah, will you um...

SARAH is already switching on a bank of TV SCREENS...

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Phone off please Noel. This isn’t a
social gathering.

SHAUN pockets his biro and tries to look officious.

NOEL
Alright. Keep your hair on grandad.
15.

SHAUN
Hey, I’m only twenty nine for
chrissakes. How old are you?
Twenty? Twenty two?

NOEL
Seventeen.

SHAUN
(thrown)
Really?...Look Noel, I know you
don’t want to be here forever.
Neither do I. I got things I want
to do with my life.

NOEL
When?

NOEL points to SHAUN’s top pocket. His biro has leaked.

NOEL (CONT’D)
You’ve got red on you.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Shaun goes to work while dealing with apathetic and immature subordinates.
Strengths "The scene sets the tone for Shaun's mundanity, and humorously establishes conflict between him and his subordinates."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks high stakes or significant character development."
Critique Overall, the scene has some good elements such as the use of dialogue and description to establish character relationships and conflicts. However, the main criticism of this scene is that it lacks a clear plot. It seems to jump around between a bus, a store, and the different characters without any clear direction. The scene also seems to rely heavily on dialogue, but dialogue alone cannot carry a scene without a clear storyline or purpose. Additionally, some of the humor feels forced, and the characters could benefit from more development to fully engage the audience. Overall, the scene could use some reworking to better serve the overall story and character development.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give more context to the characters and situation. Who is Shaun? What is his job? Why is he in charge today? Who are the other characters on the bus? What is their relationship to Shaun? These details will help the audience understand and engage with the scene.

2. Show more of the action with the young woman fainting on the street. This could create tension and stakes for Shaun and the other characters.

3. Make Shaun's dialogue more specific and unique to his character. As it stands, his dialogue is bland and generic. What does Shaun want? What are his goals and desires? What makes him stand out from the other characters?

4. Consider adding more conflict or obstacles for Shaun to overcome. As it stands, the scene is relatively straightforward and lacks tension. Adding more drama or stakes could make it more engaging for the audience.

5. Show more of the setting and environment. What does the bus look like? What does the shop floor look like? These details can make the scene feel more immersive and dynamic for the audience.



Scene 5 -  Flowers for Mum
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. ELECTRICAL STORE -LATER

SHAUN is demonstrating a TV to a young couple.

SHAUN
This one comes with a digital
package. You got your lifestyle
channels...

FLIP. We see a clip of MOANING COUPLES on ‘Trisha’.


...you got your entertainment
channels...

FLIP. We see a LAME GAME SHOW with contestants in funny
costumes. An unseen commentator laughs uncontrollably.


...you got your news channels...

FLIP. We see images of a CRASH SITE. People in WHITE SUITS. A
GRAVE LOOKING SCIENTIST. A DISTRAUGHT VOX POP. A CONVOY OF
MILITARY TRUCKS, RED LIGHTS flash. SHAUN stops flipping.

NOEL (O.S.)
Shaun!

SHAUN
I’m with a customer.
16.

NOEL (O.S.)
It’s your Dad!

SHAUN looks to the counter. With NOEL is a MIDDLE-AGED MAN.
SHAUN apologises to his customers and goes over.

PHILIP is a greying bear of a man. He wears DRIVING GLOVES
and makes only cursory eye contact with SHAUN.

SHAUN
Philip.

PHILIP
Shaun. I trust you haven’t
forgotten about tomorrow?

SHAUN
...No.

PHILIP
Your bi-monthly visit.

SHAUN
I haven’t forgotten.

PHILIP
You could bring the flowers you
forgot to send Barbara on Mother’s
Day.

SHAUN
Yeah, I was gonna.

PHILIP
And not a cheap posy from a garage
forecourt.

SHAUN
I wasn’t gonna.

PHILIP
The Texaco.

SHAUN
Alright!

PHILIP
Well, we’ll look forward to seeing
you tomorrow then.

They glare at each other, before PHILIP heads for the door.
SHAUN watches him leave, noticing another CONVOY OF MILITARY
TRUCKS on the street, RED LIGHTS flashing.
17.

NOEL
Thought this wasn’t a social
gathering.

SHAUN
What?

NOEL
How come you’re allowed to talk to
your Dad?

SHAUN
Look, A) he is not my Dad, he’s my
stepdad and B) it was an emergency.

NOEL
What, buying your Mum some flowers?

SHAUN
...Yes.

NOEL grins to some nearby ASSISTANTS who snigger.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Look Noel, whatever you might
think, I don’t find it difficult to
keep my work and my social life
separate.

The phone rings. DANNY answers.

DANNY
Shaun, Liz for you.

SHAUN takes it, adopting a businesslike tone.

SHAUN
Hello.

LIZ (O.S.)
Allo, it’s me.

SHAUN
Allo.

LIZ
Just quickly, d’you get my message?

SHAUN sees that NOEL and the other ASSISTANTS are watching.

SHAUN
Yep.
18.

LIZ (O.S.)
So it’s all okay then?

SHAUN
Yep.

LIZ
Eight instead of seven?

SHAUN
Yep.

SHAUN fakes a yawn and makes a ‘wrap it up’ signal.

LIZ (O.S.)
Okay cool, well, ring me later.

SHAUN
Goodbye Liz.

LIZ
Bye.

SHAUN hangs up and turns to NOEL and the others.

SHAUN
Liz. Head office. Nothing to panic
about.


EXT/INT. FLORIST -EVENING

A DISTRESSED BUSINESSMAN, crying loudly, runs past the window
of a florist. Inside, SHAUN watches him go.

FLORIST
Sir?

SHAUN
Sorry, yeah, they’re for my Mum.

The FLORIST produces some tags.

FLORIST
‘To a Wonderful Mum’ or ‘POW! Super
Mum’.

SHAUN
Um...first one.

SHAUN writes out the card and hands it back. He looks back to
the street. On the other side of the road is a SCRUFFY MAN on
the steps of a CHURCH, surrounded by pigeons.
19.

SHAUN watches as the SCRUFFY MAN swipes at the pigeons.
Amazingly he catches one.

SHAUN’s transfixed as the SCRUFFY MAN raises the pigeon to
his mouth. Surely he isn’t going to...

A BUS pulls up outside. SHAUN cranes to see through the
windows. When the bus pulls away, the SCRUFFY MAN is gone.

COMMUTER’S VOICE (O.S.)
What the hell’s going on?
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Shaun's mundane daily routine is interrupted by a visit from his stepdad, a phone call from his girlfriend, and a quick stop at the florist. Meanwhile, he witnesses a strange encounter with a scruffy man and some pigeons.
Strengths "Witty dialogue with subtle emotional undercurrents. Moment of suspense with the scruffy man and the pigeon. "
Weaknesses "Very little conflict or dramatic tension. Scene doesn't have a strong purpose in terms of moving the plot forward. "
Critique Overall, this scene has good dialogue and sets up some conflict with Shaun's stepdad and his upcoming visit. However, there are some parts that could be improved.

Firstly, the TV channels shown in the store feel random and disconnected. It might have been better to show channels that tie into the story and characters more, or skip the TV altogether.

Secondly, the interaction between Shaun and Liz on the phone feels forced and unnecessary. It doesn't add anything to the scene and could be cut.

Lastly, the scene ends abruptly with a random voiceover from a commuter that doesn't tie into anything else in the scene or story. It feels like a jarring way to end the scene.

Overall, this is a solid scene, but could use some tightening up and more focus on the main conflicts and themes of the story.
Suggestions 1. More clear and concise action descriptions: The scene is heavily dialogue-driven, but it could benefit from more descriptions of the characters' actions and movements. This would make the scene easier to visualize and follow along with.

2. Establishing shots: The scene could be improved by beginning with an establishing shot of the electrical store, to provide context for the audience. Similarly, when the scene moves to the florist, an establishing shot could help.

3. Streamline the dialogue: The dialogue feels a bit long and meandering at times, and could be made more concise to keep the audience's attention.

4. Add more conflict: The scene lacks a clear sense of tension or conflict, which could make it more interesting to watch. This could be achieved by ramping up the tension between Shaun and his stepfather, or by introducing a more significant problem for Shaun to solve.

5. Make the scene more visually interesting: The use of TV clips is a nice touch, but the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more visual elements, such as interesting camera angles or dynamic lighting.



Scene 6 -  Shaun's Commute and Encounter with Yvonne
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. TUBE STATION -EVENING

SHAUN is again amid a crowd of PISSED OFF COMMUTERS.

STATION GUARD
Bodies on the line. Suicides.

COMMUTER
Suicide?

STATION GUARD
Suicides. Three.

The GUARD raises three fingers. SHAUN is a little freaked.


INT. BUS -EVENING

SHAUN is again on a bus crowded with BLANK PASSENGERS. The
man next to SHAUN coughs badly. The lady in front seems to
have nodded off and is dribbling. The bus is barely moving.


EXT. STREET -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN walks. Cars honk, a traffic jam clogging up the road.
He looks ahead to the cause, a CAR has stalled at the lights.
A HAND slaps SHAUN on the arm.

YVONNE
Ohmigod, Shaun!

SHAUN
Yvonne?

YVONNE is in her late twenties. She’s jovial and short. She
and SHAUN embrace, slightly awkwardly.

YVONNE
How you doing?
20.

SHAUN
Surviving.

YVONNE
Haven’t seen you since the days
of...

YVONNE mouths a house beat and does a little dance. SHAUN
nods. A CROWD starts to gather around the stalled car.

SHAUN
Yep, good times.

YVONNE
You living round here?

SHAUN
Uh...yeah. You?

YVONNE
Yeah, I’ve just bought a place.

SHAUN
Bought?

MORE PEOPLE gather around the CAR.

YVONNE
Bit grown up eh? You still with...

SHAUN
Liz. Yeah.

YVONNE
That’s great. She still teaching?

An AMBULANCE pulls up. The SIREN forces them to shout.

SHAUN
Uh...yeah. She’s Head of English
now. Got fast- tracked.

YVONNE
Ooh wow. What about you? Last time
I saw you, you were working at that
bloody electrical place.

SHAUN
Yeah...

YVONNE clocks his name-tag and realises her faux pas.

YVONNE
You still deejaying?
21.

SHAUN
Not really. Kinda let it go,
y’know?

The SIREN wails on. YVONNE nods.

YVONNE
That’s a shame. Well, least you and
Liz are still together. Glad
somebody made it. How long’s it
been now?

SHAUN
Four years. Last week actually.

YVONNE
Aw, did you doing anything special?

SHAUN
No, we’re going for a meal tonight.

YVONNE
Ooh, anywhere nice?

The SIREN slows. Realisation dawns. SHAUN goes ashen-faced.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Shaun navigates a difficult commute, encounters an old acquaintance, and has an awkward conversation about his job and relationship.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of tension and suspense, highlighting Shaun's mundane daily struggles and hinting at deeper problems. It also introduces Yvonne, a potentially important character."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and conversation, and there is not much action or conflict."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and flows smoothly, but there are a few areas of critique.

Firstly, the scene lacks a clear goal or objective. It feels like a series of random encounters without any clear purpose, which can make the scene feel disjointed and uninteresting. Adding a clear goal, such as Shaun trying to make it to his anniversary dinner despite the obstacles he faces, would help create a sense of purpose and make the scene more engaging.

Secondly, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext and conflict. The conversation between Shaun and Yvonne is pleasant and jovial, but lacks any real tension or conflict to keep the audience engaged. Adding some underlying tension or disagreements between the two characters would make the scene more interesting and engaging.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual description and imagery. The majority of the scene is made up of dialogue, with little description of the surroundings or actions of the characters. Adding more visual description, such as the crowded bus or the stalled car, would help create a stronger sense of atmosphere and make the scene more immersive for the audience.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to add more tension or stakes to the situation. The mention of suicides on the tube might be a good opportunity to explore Shaun's reaction or internal thoughts on the matter. Additionally, the encounter with Yvonne could be made more significant by giving her a clearer purpose or connection to the story. Maybe she knows something about the current situation or has a role to play later on. Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual and sensory details to make it feel more alive and unique. For example, describing the smells or sounds of the bus and street could add more depth to the setting.



Scene 7 -  The Dinner Dilemma
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. HOUSE -EVENING

FRONT DOOR swung open...FLOWERS thrown into the sink...YELLOW
PAGES flung open. We see on the page: ‘Fulci’s. The place
that does all the fish’.

SHAUN anxiously paces on the phone. ED plays his videogame.

ED
You gonna thank me then?

SHAUN
What for?

ED
Tidying up.

SHAUN
Doesn’t look that tidy.

ED
Well, I had a few beers when I
finished.

The phone picks up at the other end.
22.

VOICE (O.S.)
Fulci’s. Can you hold, please?

ED
You want your messages?

SHAUN
What?

ED produces a scrap of paper and reads aloud.

ED
Your Mum phoned about you going
round tomorrow. Liz phoned about
you guys eating out tonight. Then
your Mum phoned again to see if I
wanted to eat her out tonight.

VOICE (O.S.)
Hello?

SHAUN
Look, I know it’s short notice, but
do you have a table for two for
tonight?

VOICE (O.S.)
Sorry, we just gave away the last
table.

CLICK. The line goes dead.

SHAUN
Aw, man!

A beat.

ED
That wasn’t true about your Mum.

SHAUN stares at the receiver, deep in thought.

SHAUN
So, what are we going to do then?
Where are we going to go?

ED
The Winchester?

SHAUN
Don’t be so stupid! They don’t do
food.
23.

ED
John’ll do you a toastie. There’s a
Breville out the back.

SHAUN
Ed, this is serious!

SHAUN slams the phone down, it rings. He picks up.


SHAUN (CONT’D)
Hello?

LIZ (O.S.)
Aollo.

SHAUN
(caught out)
...Allo...

LIZ (O.S.)
So what’s the plan then?

SHAUN
Yeah, uh...babe, there’s been a bit
of a problem with the table.

LIZ (O.S.)
What do you mean?

SHAUN
They’re full up.

LIZ (O.S.)
But you said it was all okay.

SHAUN
Yeah...

LIZ (O.S.)
You didn’t book it did you?

SHAUN
No...

LIZ (O.S.)
So what is the plan then?

Silence. ED looks at SHAUN. He raises his eyebrows and nods.

SHAUN
(tentatively)
We could go to...The Winchester?
24.

SHAUN winces. CLICK. The phone goes dead.

The YELLOW PAGES hits the floor...The FLOWERS are grabbed...
The FRONT DOOR is swung wide...


EXT/INT. TAXI CAB -EVENING

...A TAXI CAB DOOR slams shut. SHAUN sits anxiously in the
back of the cab, feigning interest in the DRIVER’s waffle.

DRIVER (O.S.)
...so he starts reaching through
the window and moaning at me and I
can’t understand what’s he’s bloody
goin’ on about, so I drives off.
Bedlam!


EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK -EVENING

The CAB screeches off. SHAUN runs with the flowers across the
grass forecourt of an apartment block. He reaches the front
door and slams the intercom buzzer for LIZ’s flat.

DIANNE (O.S.)
Hello.

SHAUN
Dianne. Let me in please.

DIANNE
I’m not sure this is the best time
Shaun.

SHAUN
Oh come on!

DAVID (O.S.)
Lizzy doesn’t want to see you,
Shaun.

SHAUN
Just open the door!

DAVID (O.S.)
She doesn’t want to see you.

Furious, SHAUN looks up to the FIRST FLOOR WINDOW.
25.

SHAUN
What do you want me to do? Do you
want me to climb up the drainpipe
and come through the window?
Because I will.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Shaun tries to salvage his dinner plans with his girlfriend by scrambling for a reservation, but ultimately ends up at his local pub.
Strengths "The scene is a humorous and memorable portrayal of the difficulties of planning a date night, with witty dialogue from the characters and relatable themes."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or high stakes, which could detract from its overall impact."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Shaun and Ed feels natural and effortless, and the tension around finding a last-minute dinner reservation is relatable. However, the number of cuts and scene changes may be jarring for some viewers, and could potentially interrupt the flow of the scene. Additionally, the use of the intercom as a blocking device feels somewhat contrived. In a real-life situation, Shaun could easily persuade Dianne to let him in, or find another way to get into the building. As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest finding a more seamless way to show the conflict between Shaun and David/Liz, rather than relying on a somewhat artificial obstacle.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Use more visual description: As a screenwriter, it's important to remember that film is a visual medium. Instead of just relying on dialogue, try to add more physical action or description that gives the audience a clearer picture of what's happening in the scene. For example, instead of just saying "SHAUN paces on the phone," you could describe how he's nervously tapping his foot or running his hand through his hair.

2. Add more conflict: In this scene, the conflict is that the restaurant is full and the characters don't know where to go for dinner. While this is a relatable problem, it's not necessarily the most exciting thing to watch on screen. Consider adding a more heightened conflict or obstacle that raises the stakes. For example, maybe Liz's ex-boyfriend shows up unexpectedly and causes tension between her and Shaun.

3. Explore the characters' emotions: While there is some indication of how the characters are feeling (Shaun is anxious about the restaurant, Liz is upset with him), there's not a lot of emotional depth to the scene. Consider adding more moments that allow the characters to express their feelings and show vulnerability. This will make the audience care more about what happens to them.

4. Tighten up the dialogue: While the dialogue in this scene is generally good, there are a few places where it feels a bit repetitive or clunky (like when Shaun asks "What do you want me to do?" twice in a row). Take another pass at the dialogue and see if you can streamline it to make it more efficient and effective.



Scene 8 -  Failed Promises
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIZ’S FLAT -EVENING

A worried DAVID and DIANNE stand by the entry phone, in their
coats. Behind, LIZ emerges, also preparing to go out.

SHAUN (O.S.)
Alright then.

There are noises from outside. All look to the OPEN WINDOW.
BUZZ. The entry phone again.

SHAUN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Guys? Let me in. Please.


INT. LIZ’S BATHROOM -MOMENTS LATER

A furious LIZ busies herself, getting ready to go out.

SHAUN flits around her.

SHAUN
Liz, I can explain. Let’s just go
out.

LIZ
What, to the Winchester?

SHAUN
Do you want to?

LIZ
Hmm, let me see. Liz, let’s have a
quiet one in the Winchester. Liz,
it’s Saturday night. Winchester
night. Hey Liz, there’s a quiz on
this evening. Really? Aw, I love a
good quiz. Well, do you want to
come? Yeah, where’s it on? THE
WINCHESTER! No, I don’t fucking
want to!

SHAUN
Sorry, I just thought we could-
26.

LIZ
It’s not the only place in the
world Shaun!

SHAUN
I know, we can go somewhere else.


INT. LOUNGE -CONTINUOUS

DAVID and DI sit on the sofa, listening through the wall.

LIZ (O.S.)
I’m going out with David and Di.

SHAUN (O.S.)
Well, let’s all go together.

LIZ
What, you hang out with a bunch of
teachers? Sorry, a failed actress
and a twat?

DAVID and DI look at each other, affronted.

SHAUN (O.S.)
Hey, that’s a bit harsh.

LIZ (O.S.)
Your words.

SHAUN (O.S.)
I did not call Dianne a failed
actress.

LIZ
Cuh!

DIANNE is relieved. DAVID remains affronted. LIZ storms into
the lounge, with SHAUN in tow, helping her with her coat.

SHAUN
Seriously, let’s go out somewhere,
forget all this. We’ll have a
laugh, just the two of us.
Things’ll be cool. Promise.

LIZ turns angrily on SHAUN, who cowers behind the coat.

LIZ
Oh stop making these promises!

SHAUN
What do you mean?
27.

LIZ
Off the top of my head? You
promised you’d stop smoking when I
did. You promised you’d go back to
the gym. You promised we’d go flat
hunting. You promised you’d start
deejaying again. You promised you’d
try drinking red wine instead of
beer. You promised you’d come on
holiday with me. You-

SHAUN
We went to Greece didn’t we?

LIZ
We met in Greece.

DAVID
(disdainfully)
At a rave.

LIZ
It’s not the same. You promised
things would change.

DIANNE
You promised you’d get us free
cable.

SHAUN
I’m working on that!

DIANNE
Okay.

SHAUN
(to Liz)
Well, look...I can stop smoking. I
can give up whenever I want. See?

SHAUN takes out a fag packet and chucks them in the bin.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
What was the next one?

LIZ
It’s not enough, Shaun.

LIZ walks out, leaving SHAUN with DAVID and DI.

DAVID
Basically, I think your nine lives
are up-
28.

SHAUN
Oh get fucked four-eyes! Why don’t
you go out with her, you love her
so much?

DAVID goes red.

DAVID
I don’t know what you mean by that.

SHAUN makes a ‘like you don’t know’ face and leaves.

DAVID (CONT’D)
I don’t know what he means by that.

DIANNE says nothing.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun's plans for a date with Liz go awry as she becomes increasingly fed up with their broken promises.
Strengths "The scene effectively conveys the mounting tension between Shaun and Liz, with strong performances from both actors. The dialogue is sharp and witty, with a good mix of humor and drama."
Weaknesses "The scene's pacing could be improved, and some of the plot developments feel a bit contrived. Additionally, some of the characters, such as David and Di, feel somewhat underdeveloped."
Critique Overall, this scene appears to be well-written and provides insight into the characters' personalities and relationships. The dialogue is realistic and helps to move the plot forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

One issue is the use of "O.S." in the script. While it is necessary to indicate when a character is speaking off-screen, it should be used sparingly and only when necessary. In this scene, it is used multiple times, which can be distracting and take away from the flow of the scene.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more action and description. While the dialogue is strong, there is very little physical action described, which can make the scene feel stagnant. Including more details about the characters' movements and expressions can help to make the scene more dynamic.

Finally, it is unclear where the characters are located in the flat during the scene. Adding more information about the layout of the room can help the reader better visualize the surroundings and improve the overall setting of the scene.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the Goal: It is unclear what the characters want and what is at stake in this scene. Is Shaun trying to convince Liz to go to the Winchester or is he trying to save his relationship with her? It is important to clearly establish the goal of each character in order to create tension and drive the scene forward.

2. Show, don't tell: There is a lot of dialogue that tells the audience what the characters are feeling and thinking, but it would be more effective to show their emotions through their actions and reactions to each other.

3. Simplify the dialogue: There is a lot of back and forth dialogue that could be condensed to make the scene more concise and easier to follow.

4. Create more conflict and tension: The scene needs more conflict to keep the audience engaged. This could be achieved by increasing the stakes or introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome.

5. Consider visual elements: The scene takes place entirely in one location, which could become visually repetitive. Consider adding some visual elements to keep the audience engaged, such as changing camera angles or adding interesting props or set design.



Scene 9 -  Shaun's Apology and Liz's Frustration
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIZ’S ROOM -CONTINUOUS

LIZ is sat on her bed. Head in her hands. SHAUN enters.

SHAUN
Got you these.

He offers her the flowers with a smile. LIZ clocks the tag.

LIZ
“To A Wonderful Mum”?

SHAUN
Yeah...cos, remember last night,
you said you didn’t want to sound
like my Mum...

LIZ laughs, more out of exasperation than amusment. A pause.

LIZ
They are for your Mum aren’t they?

SHAUN
Yep.

LIZ
Smooth.

LIZ returns her head to her hands.

SHAUN
Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m
tired.
29.

LIZ
You’re tired? It’s not the
strongest defence is it? I’m tired
Shaun.

SHAUN
Sorry.

LIZ
The ‘S’ word again.

SHAUN
Sor...

LIZ
You can’t just keep saying ‘sorry’
and expect things to be okay. You
wave it around like a ‘get out of
jail free’ card.

SHAUN
But, what if I am sorry?

LIZ
What if you are? It’s not like you
ever do anything about it. Nothing
ever changes.
(she sighs)
Look, I’ve got to do something. If
I don’t, I’m going to end up in
that pub, every night for the rest
of my life, like those other sad
old fuckers, drinking myself to
death, wondering what the hell
happened.

SHAUN
What do you mean “do something”?


EXT. LIZ’S FLAT -EVENING

SLAM. SHAUN is stood outside. Still in his work clothes.
Still holding the flowers. Face like...

THUNDER. Rain falls. SHAUN stares blankly ahead.


EXT. THE WINCHESTER -NIGHT

SHAUN walks toward the pub, still holding the flowers. He
sees a SNOGGING COUPLE in the shadows. He throws the flowers
into a NEARBY BIN.
30.

ED’S VOICE (O.S.)
Shauny...


INT. THE WINCHESTER -NIGHT

ED (O.S.)
...hog lumps!

A packet of PORK SCRATCHINGS hits a glum SHAUN in the face. A
cheery ED joins him at their usual table.

Behind, a wall mounted TV shows a SQUAD CAR whizzing through
suburbs, lights flashing. Seconds later, the pub is
illuminated by the FLASHING LIGHTS of a passing squad car.

ED (CONT’D)
Fuck her. You got your pint. You
got your pig snacks. What more
d’you want? Your favorite monkey
don’t you? You want me to do Clyde?

ED proceeds to ape Clyde the orangutan from ‘Every Which Way
But Loose’. SHAUN looks at him, bereft.

ED (CONT’D)
See I knew you’d get over her.

SINEAD O’CONNOR (O.S.)
‘It’s been 7 hours and 15 days...’

‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ starts up on the JUKEBOX.

ED
Who the hell put this on?

SHAUN
It’s on random.

ED
Oh for fuck’s sake! John?

ED motions to JOHN for another round.
Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun apologizes to Liz with flowers, but it only makes things worse. Liz is frustrated with Shaun's lack of effort in their relationship.
Strengths "Sharp dialogue, realistic relationship dynamics"
Weaknesses "Lack of clear plot development"
Critique Overall, this scene appears to be quite well written. The dialogue is natural and believable, and the characters’ interactions feel authentic.

One suggestion for improvement would be to establish the setting more clearly at the beginning of the scene. It’s not immediately clear whose room we’re in or what time of day it is, which can be disorienting for the audience.

Another suggestion would be to develop Liz’s character a bit more. We get a sense of her frustration with Shaun, but it would be helpful to have a better understanding of her personality and motivations.

Overall, though, this scene is effective in setting up the central conflict between Shaun and Liz and the tensions that are driving the story forward.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene. Firstly, more visual details could be added to make the scene more interesting and engaging. For example, the setting could be described in more detail - what does Liz's room look like? What kind of flowers did Shaun bring?

Secondly, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it feel more realistic and natural. Some of the exchanges feel a bit forced and stilted, particularly Liz's speech about ending up in the pub like the "sad old fuckers". It would also be helpful to give Liz and Shaun more distinct voices so that their characters feel more fleshed out.

Finally, there could be more clarity about what this scene is meant to achieve in terms of the overall story. At the moment, it feels a bit aimless and doesn't advance the plot in any significant way. It would be helpful to give the characters clearer goals and obstacles so that the audience is more invested in what happens to them.



Scene 10 -  A Night at the Winchester
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. WINCHESTER -LATER

...CURTAINS ARE DRAWN...DEAD BOLTS click into place...The TV,
FRUIT MACHINE and JUKEBOX are switched off. SHAUN and ED are
now among the last customers and are utterly pissed. ED
ignites two SAMBUCA shots. He and SHAUN ritualistically down
them, spluttering and laughing.
31.

ED
You know what we should do
tomorrow?

A hand appears on ED’s shoulder.

JOHN
Keep it down a bit lads.

ED/SHAUN
Sorry John.

JOHN moves off with their empties. ED continues quietly.

ED
You know what we should do
tomorrow? Keep drinking. Have a
Bloody Mary first thing. Get a bite
at The King’s Head. Grab a couple
at The Little Princess, stagger
back here and bang! We’re up at the
bar for shots. How’s that for a
slice of fried gold?

SHAUN remains utterly glum.

ED (CONT’D)
C’mon man talk to me.

SHAUN
Can we just leave it Ed?

ED
What did she say?

SHAUN
A lot.

ED
What a bitch.

SHAUN
She said if she stayed with me, she
was going to end up sitting in here
every night for the rest of her
life like these sad old fuckers,
drinking herself to death,
wondering what the hell happened.

ED
That’s harsh. These are not sad old
fuckers. These are rich,
interesting characters.
32.

Cut away to a number of SAD OLD FUCKERS around the bar.

SHAUN
Like who?

ED points to a MULLET HAIRED FIFTYSOMETHING at the bar.

ED
Snakehips. Always surrounded by
women. Bigamist. Strangled his
first wife with a draft excluder.
Invented the mobile disco.

Vaguely amused, SHAUN points to an IRISH SPINSTER necking
whisky.

SHAUN
What about her?

ED
Ex-porn star. Done it all. Mish,
doggy, reverse cowgirl, A2M.
Starred in the world’s first
interracial hardcore loop. Cafe au
lait.

SHAUN
What about John?

ED
Who, the “Barrel”? North London
Mafia.

SHAUN laughs and shakes his head.

ED (CONT’D)
That really is true. Big Al says
so.

SHAUN
Big Al also says dogs can’t look
up.

ED
Think about it. The gruff demeanor.
Handy with a blade. Bernie, the
trophy wife.

ED points to BERNIE, the wizened landlady behind the bar.

ED (CONT’D)
He’s connected. Why d’you think
there’s a rifle over the bar?
33.

ED nods to a rifle mounted on a brace.

SHAUN
‘Cos the pub’s called the
Winchester.

ED
Exactly.

SHAUN lets himself laugh. ED smiles.

ED (CONT’D)
See, you don’t need Liz to have a
good time.

SHAUN
Ed! Let’s just leave it now.

ED
Listen, can I just say one thing?
And I’m not gonna say, ‘there’s
plenty more fish in the sea’. I’m
not gonna say, ‘if you love her let
her go’...I’m not gonna bombard you
with cliches. All I’ll say is,
‘it’s not the end of the world’.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. A SHADOWY FIGURE is visible beyond the
frosted glass of the door. JOHN calls out to it.

JOHN
Sorry we’re closed.

THE FIGURE
Uhhhhhh...

More EMERGENCY VEHICLES pass. The flashing lights momentarily
define the FIGURE at the door. Maybe it’s a trick of the
light, but it appears to have NO LOWER JAW. The FIGURE
follows the noise and shuffles off.

ED
Pisshead.


EXT. PUB -NIGHT

ANGLE ON SIGN: “PLEASE LEAVE QUIETLY”

SHAUN & ED drunkenly belt out ‘White Lines’. The SNOGGING
COUPLE are still outside, necking furiously. ED calls over.

ED
Haven’t you had your tea?
34.

The WOMAN stops necking the man. He goes limp and drops to
the ground. She watches SHAUN & ED stagger off.


EXT. STREET -CONTINUOUS

SHAUN & ED cross the street, still singing ‘White Lines’ in
harmony. Behind, another FIGURE is stumbling down the middle
of the road. He appears to join in with...

THE FIGURE
Uhhhhhhh.

SHAUN and ED turn, gleefully trying to draft their new friend
into the sing-a-long. Again he responds with...

THE FIGURE (CONT’D)
Uhhhhhhh.

SHAUN and ED shrug, a little disappointed.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Horror"]

Summary Shaun and Ed drown their relationship problems at their local pub, where they encounter various quirky characters and a mysterious zombie-like figure outside.
Strengths "The banter between Shaun and Ed is entertaining, and the contrast between their drunken antics and Liz's dissatisfaction creates tension."
Weaknesses "The scene mostly serves to provide characterization and humor, rather than advancing the plot or raising the emotional stakes."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in establishing the tone and dynamic between Shaun and Ed. The dialogue captures their drunken banter and the use of humor adds levity to an otherwise bleak situation. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the introduction of John feels a bit abrupt and doesn't add much to the scene other than to briefly interrupt Shaun and Ed's conversation. If John is going to be a recurring character, it might be worth establishing him more clearly earlier on.

Secondly, the exchange between Shaun and Ed about Liz feels a bit too on-the-nose in terms of articulating the themes of the film. While it's natural for characters to talk about their problems and try to find solutions, the dialogue here verges on being too overtly thematic.

Finally, the appearance of the figure with no lower jaw at the end feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the scene. While it's possible that this is meant to foreshadow events later in the film, in this specific moment it feels like the scene is trying to cram too much in and ends on a somewhat confusing note.

Overall, this scene is effective in establishing the tone and dynamic between Shaun and Ed, but there are some areas that could benefit from refinement.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Add more visual description to help the reader/audience visualize the setting and characters, such as the lighting, the decor of the pub, the appearance of the sad old fuckers, etc.
- Show more of Shaun and Ed's personalities through their actions and dialogue. What are their quirks and characteristics that make them unique and interesting?
- Build up the tension and fear surrounding the shadowy figure at the door with more description and suspenseful music.
- Develop the conflict between Shaun and his ex-girlfriend more, perhaps by showing a flashback of their breakup or having them interact in another scene earlier in the movie.
- Make the reveal of the figure with no lower jaw more impactful and memorable, perhaps by having it be more visually grotesque or having Shaun and Ed react more strongly.
- Create more stakes and urgency to the scene by having the emergency vehicles passing by be more frequent and intense, or by having another character in danger or in need of help.



Scene 11 -  Relationship Woes
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. HOUSE. LOUNGE -NIGHT

‘CRUCIAL ELECTRO’ blares. An old-skool party is in full
swing; ED body pops. SHAUN is on his turntables.

ED
Still got it!

PETE storms in. He grabs the record off the turntable-

SHAUN
Don’t scratch it!

-and throws it through the open window.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
That’s the second album I ever
bought!

PETE
It’s four in the fucking morning!

SHAUN
It’s Saturday-

PETE
No, it’s fucking Sunday and I have
to go into fucking work in four
fucking hours, because every other
fucker in my fucking department is
fucking ill! Can you see why I’m so
fucking angry?
35.

ED
Fuck yeah!

SHAUN
Pete, I’m sorry. We’re a bit
pissed. We split up with Liz
tonight.

PETE
Well just keep it down okay?

PETE heads for the door. As he does, ED mutters-

ED
Prick.

PETE
Sorry, what was that?

ED
Nuffin.

PETE launches at ED, fists flying. SHAUN pulls them apart.

SHAUN
Hey. Come on. We’re all friends
here.

PETE
He is not my friend! He’s an idiot.

ED
What’s that supposed to mean?

PETE
It means maybe you should fuck off.
You wanna live like an animal, go
live in the shed, you thick fuck.

SHAUN
Pete, leave him alone.

PETE
Stop defending him! Why do you
stick up for him all the time
Shaun? All he does is hold you
back. Or does it make life easier
having someone around who’s more of
a loser than you?

SHAUN
What’s that supposed to mean?
36.

PETE
You know what I mean. I presume it
was Liz who did the dumping? Am I
right? Sort-your-fucking-life-out-
mate-

SHAUN is utterly floored. ED interrupts-

ED
What’s up with your hand man?

We reveal that PETE’s hand is completely bandaged up.

PETE
I got mugged on the way home.

ED
By who?

PETE
I dunno, some crackheads or
something. One of them bit me.
(Ed breaks out laughing)
It’s not fucking funny!

ED
Why did they bite you?

PETE
I don’t know, I didn’t stop to ask
them! Now, I have a splitting
headache and your stupid hip hop
isn’t helping.
(storming out)
And the front door’s open again!

ED
It’s not Hip Hop, it’s Electro.
Prick.

A shell-shocked SHAUN doesn’t reply. ED slumps on the sofa.

ED (CONT’D)
Next time I see him he’s dead.


INT. HALL/KITCHEN -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN shuffles out into the hall and plays the answer phone.
We hear Liz’s message from earlier-

-as SHAUN stands in the darkened kitchen and stares at a
photo of him and Liz, pinned to a ‘THINGS TO DO’ board.
37.

As Liz and Barbara’s messages play, he scrawls something on
the board, then drunkenly slumps onto a kitchen chair.

SCENE 32 MERGED WITH SCENE 31


INT. KITCHEN -SUNDAY MORNING

SHAUN wakes, groggy and hung-over. He’s still in the chair.
His eyes focus on the ‘THINGS TO DO’ board. It reads-

‘GO ROUND MUM’S...GET LIZ BACK...SORT LIFE OUT’


INT. LOUNGE -MORNING

ED is still slumped on the sofa.

SHAUN
Want anything from the shop?

ED
Cornetto.


EXT. STREET -MORNING

SHAUN crosses the street. In the distance we glimpse TWO
FIGURES shambling up the middle of the road.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Horror"]

Summary Shaun and his girlfriend Liz are going through a rough patch, leading to a night out with his best friend Ed at their local pub. After a confrontation with a friend who doesn't understand the situation, they return to Shaun's home. Shaun wakes up the next morning determined to turn his life around.
Strengths "The scene has an engaging mix of humor, romance, and horror, and introduces the conflict between Shaun and Liz as well as the mysterious zombie-like figure outside. The dialogue is snappy and the chemistry between Shaun and Ed is entertaining."
Weaknesses "The scene drags a bit towards the end, and the emotional impact of the relationship problems could be stronger."
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and effectively shows the tension between the characters. However, the dialogue can feel a bit forced and on-the-nose at times. Some lines could benefit from being more natural and subtle. Additionally, the use of profanity may be excessive for some audiences and may not serve a purpose beyond shock value. Additionally, while the scene sets up the main character's goals for the rest of the story, it would benefit from more clear and concise plot points to guide the audience.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from more clear character development and dialogue. It's difficult to understand the dynamics between the three characters and their motivations for their actions. Additionally, it would be helpful to introduce more visual details to set the scene and make it more immersive for the audience.

Some suggestions for improvement:

- Provide more context for the party happening in the lounge. Who else is there? What is the occasion?
- Show more clearly why Pete is so upset and why he dislikes Ed. Perhaps there is a history between them that can be hinted at.
- Give Liz more agency and a stronger presence in the scene. Instead of just hearing her on the answering machine, show her and how she interacts with Shaun and the others.
- Consider adding more humor or tension-relieving moments to balance out the argument. For example, a visual gag or a lighthearted exchange could help break up the tension.
- Think about setting details that would enhance the atmosphere. For example, the smell of cigarette smoke, the flickering of neon lights outside the window, or the sound of distant sirens could all help create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 12 -  Unearthing the Truth at the Newsagent
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. NEWSAGENT -MORNING

SHAUN
Nelson?

No-one is behind the counter. SHAUN grabs a Strawberry
Cornetto from the freezer and goes to the cooler. He opens
the door, not noticing two smeared BLOODY HANDPRINTS ON THE
GLASS. SHAUN grabs a Coke oblivious, slipping as he moves
off.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Nelson?

SHAUN goes to the counter. It seems oddly bare.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Nelson, you got any papers?

SHAUN shrugs and puts some change onto the counter.
38.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
I owe you fifteen pence Nels.
Alright?

SHAUN leaves. In the security mirror we can see the body of
Nelson slumped at the back of the store.


EXT. STREET -MORNING

SHAUN crosses the street again. One of the FIGURES is close
now, its ARMS OUTSTRETCHED. It wears a GREEN COAT and trails
a dog lead in its hand. SHAUN fishes in his pockets, without
really looking over.

SHAUN
Sorry mate, no change.

Shaun goes inside. In the distance, we can see the figure
Nelson shamble out of the shop.


INT. LOUNGE -MORNING

SHAUN sits down and puts his feet up on the coffee table. He
cracks open his Coke and picks up the remote, flicking idly
through the Sunday morning television.

NEWS: A REPORTER

‘Religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There’s...’

MTV: THE SMITHS ‘Panic on the streets of London...’

NEWS: ANOTHER REPORTER ‘...as an increasing number of...’

FOOTBALL SHOW: COMMENTATOR ‘...serious attacks on...’

NEWS: A DIFFERENT REPORTER AGAIN ‘...people, who are
literally being...’

WILDLIFE SHOW: LIONS DEVOUR A GAZELLE ‘...eaten alive...’

NEWS: A VERY HARASSED REPORTER

‘Witness reports are sketchy but one unifying detail seems to
be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...’

KIDS SHOW: A TV PRESENTER ‘...dead excited to have with us
here...’

SHAUN flips back to the previous channel, curious. NEWS: A
HARASSEED REPORTER
39.

‘...accounts of multiple unidentified assailants...’ SHAUN
leans forward to watch more closely.

ED (O.S.)
There’s a girl in the garden.

SHAUN turns. ED is peering through the back window.

SHAUN
What?

ED
In the garden, there’s a girl.

SHAUN joins ED at the window. Standing at the very bottom of
the garden is a GIRL with her back to them.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun goes to the newsagent and encounters strange phenomena, including bloody handprints on a cooler and a missing cashier. Later, as he watches the news, he learns about a growing crisis and spots a mysterious figure in his garden.
Strengths "Builds suspense and sets up the larger conflict effectively. The use of humor adds a unique touch to the horror genre. The tone is consistent."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and character development could be stronger. Some moments feel predictable."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene with good pacing and tension-building. The opening shot establishes the location and introduces the main character, Shaun. However, the scene could benefit from more description to add depth and detail. For example, instead of just saying "It seems oddly bare," the writer could describe the bareness in more detail. Additionally, the use of capitalized character names in dialogue suggests that these characters are important, but it's not clear who they are or why they are significant. Lastly, some of the transitions are abrupt, such as the sudden shift from the news reports to Ed's comment about the girl in the garden. Overall, the scene effectively sets up the atmosphere and foreshadows the impending danger, while also establishing character traits for Shaun.
Suggestions - First, it would be helpful to establish the tone of the scene. Is this supposed to be a suspenseful moment, or just a mundane interaction?

- To add some tension, consider starting the scene with a shot of the headline on a newspaper, highlighting the increasing reports of strange attacks around the city.

- When Shaun enters the store, emphasize the eeriness of the empty space and the lack of response from Nelson. Perhaps they can hear a strange noise in the back room, or there can be signs of a struggle.

- When Shaun slips on the spilled liquid, use this as an opportunity to build suspense. Have him notice the bloody handprints on the glass, which he previously missed.

- Consider adding a more noticeable object in Nelson's hand when he shambles out of the shop. This would provide more information to the audience about what is happening.

- When Shaun flips through the channels, have him be more affected by the news reports. Perhaps he can mutter to himself or show concern for the situation.

- Finally, when Ed mentions the girl outside, add a visual cue that would make the audience feel uneasy, such as the girl standing completely still or staring directly at the house.



Scene 13 -  Encounter with the Undead Checkout Girl
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. GARDEN -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN calls timidly to the GIRL.

SHAUN
Hello...excuse me.

ED picks up a lump of mud and throws it at the GIRL.

ED
Oi!

The missile strikes her on the head. She turns slowly.

WE SEE HER FACE

She is pale, greyish. Her eyes are lifeless and cloudy. Her
hair is matted with something. Her CHECKOUT GIRL’S uniform is
dirty and torn. The image is horrific and unmistakable.

SHAUN
Oh my God! She is so drunk.

ED
How much have you had love?

She lurches forward, her ARMS OUTSTRETCHED towards SHAUN. ED
and SHAUN step back, giggling.

ED (CONT’D)
Ooh she likes you.

SHAUN
Shut up.
40.

ED
I think she wants a cuddle.

She keeps coming. Mouth open. HISSING. SHAUN backs up.

SHAUN
Look I’ve just come out of a
relationship-

He trips and falls. THE GIRL is quickly on top of him.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed, do something!

ED
Wait there.

ED runs back into the house.

SHAUN
Ed!

ED (O.S.)
Two seconds.

SHAUN gets a clear look at her eyes. Something’s not right.

ED (CONT’D)
Hold it there.

ED has come running back with a FUN CAMERA. Takes a snap.

SHAUN
Get her off me.

ED pushes the GIRL away. She stumbles, then comes back at
them both. ED gets his first good look.

ED
What’s up with your eyes? What’s up
with her eyes?

SHAUN jumps up and shouts to the GIRL.

SHAUN
Now seriously, I’m warning you...

She keeps coming...SHAUN clocks her name badge.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
...Mary. I’m going to have to get
physical. I mean it!

She keeps coming. SHAUN loses his patience.
41.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Right, this is it! Fuck off!

SHAUN shoves MARY hard in the chest. She stumbles down the
garden, falls backwards and IMPALES HERSELF onto the rusty
remnants of a free standing clothes line. The metal pole
protrudes through her stomach. BLOOD oozes through her top.
SHAUN puts his hands to his mouth. ED bites his lip.

SQUELCH. She gets up. SHAUN is momentarily relieved...before
seeing the GAPING HOLE IN HER STOMACH. ED starts to wind on
the fun camera. SHAUN bats it out of his hands.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
I think we should go back inside.

ED
Okay.

They turn to see a HULKING MAN right behind them. His eyes
dead also. He has massive injuries to his face and neck...
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed encounters an undead girl in the garden, who attacks them. In their attempt to get rid of her, Shaun shoves her into the rusty metal pole, which pierces through her stomach. They are shocked and scared as they witness the undead girl getting up again.
Strengths
  • The clever use of dark humor aids in building suspense
  • The scene effectively establishes the zombie threat
Weaknesses
  • The interaction between the characters feels overly cheesy at times
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. It is descriptive and sets the tone for the horror-comedy genre. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Shaun and Ed feels a bit forced and at times, awkward. The banter between them could be more natural and less predictable.

Secondly, the character of Mary could be developed more. We don't know anything about her besides her name and the fact that she is drunk. Adding a bit more backstory or motivation for her actions could make the scene more impactful.

Lastly, the introduction of the hulking man at the end feels a bit abrupt and random. If there were hints or foreshadowing earlier in the scene, it would make more sense for him to suddenly appear.

Overall, this is a solid scene but with a few small tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions - The scene is quite well-written in terms of the pacing and adding tension, but some dialogue choices could be improved. The use of the word "drunk" to describe the girl's state seems dismissive and insensitive, especially given her later transformation. Consider using a more neutral or descriptive word instead.

- The character of Mary could be introduced earlier in the script, so her transformation is more shocking and unexpected.

- Consider adding in some visual cues or hints earlier in the script that something is not quite right with the neighborhood and its inhabitants, to build up to this scene.

- The use of a "fun camera" feels slightly out of place in a horror scene, and could be replaced with a more appropriate prop.

- The introduction of the hulking man character at the end feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider tying his appearance more closely to the events unfolding, or leaving him out entirely and saving his introduction for a later scene.



Scene 14 -  Zombie Attack!
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
INT. LOUNGE -MOMENTS LATER

ED stands by the window. The curtains are drawn.

ED
What’s going on? Shaun?

SHAUN’s on the phone, dialling fast.

SHAUN
Shit. It’s engaged.

ED
What about an ambulance?

SHAUN
It’s busy Ed.

ED
Fire engine?

SHAUN
Ed, it’s one number and it’s busy.
Why do you want a fire engine
anyway?

ED
Anything with flashing lights man.

SHAUN
Are they still out there?
42.

ED opens the curtains. MARY and THE HULK are still out there.
They look at ED. He promptly shuts the curtains again.

ED
Yeah...what do you think we should
do?

SHAUN
Let’s have a sit down.

They sit on the sofa. Upright, close to each other. They
watch a TIRED AND TROUBLED NEWSREADER on the TV. Behind them,
through the hall, we see the FRONT DOOR move.

NEWSREADER (T.V.)
-although it’s been hard to
establish how this could have
happened on such a wide scale and
so rapidly-

BEHIND THEM. The FRONT DOOR opens.

NEWSREADER (T.V.) (CONT’D)
-Environmental Health Officials
have refused to confirm that the
phenomenon is the result of a virus-

We see live footage of SHAMBLING FIGURES in a street.

ED
Do you think this is the same
thing?

BEHIND THEM. A SUITED MAN wanders in.

NEWSREADER (T.V.)
-the Home Office are asking people
to stay in their houses. Ensure
your residences are secure with all
windows and doors firmly locked-

SHAUN and ED turn to each other, then look-

BEHIND. THE SUITED MAN lumbers into the lounge. His shoulder
has been torn away. He looks pale and hungry.

SHAUN/ED NEWSREADER (T.V.)
Fuck! ...avoid contact with these
individuals...

SHAUN & ED jump off the sofa. The SUITED MAN lurches.
43.

SUITED MAN NEWSREADER (T.V.)
Uhhhhhh... ...if you find your safety is
compromised, it is important
to remain calm...

SHAUN and ED panic. They back around the room attempting to
evade the SUITED MAN, who pursues them relentlessly.

NEWSREADER (T.V.) (CONT’D)
-We’re expecting information from
the Home Office regarding the best
way to...uh...neutralize the
attackers, as they are seemingly
impervious to conventional force-

Suddenly ED grabs a heavy glass ashtray and brings it down
hard on the SUITED MAN’s head. CRACK! He falls back,
lifeless, skull split open. SHAUN and ED stand panting.

SHAUN
I’m just going to shut the front
door.

SHAUN runs out into the hall. ED goes over to the body.

NEWSREADER (T.V.)
...in the meantime contact with
these assailants is highly
inadvisable...

SHAUN rejoins ED, who is staring at the body.

ED
Did you see his head go?

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! MARY and THE HULK want in.

ED (CONT’D) NEWSREADER
We should get out there. -officials suggest that-

SHAUN NEWSREADER
No we should stay inside. -in extreme circumstances-

ED (CONT’D) NEWSREADER
Come on, we can take ‘em. -the attackers can be stopped-

SHAUN NEWSREADER
But the man said to stay (sips his water)
indoors. -uh I repeat-

ED (CONT’D)
Fuck the man!
44.

SHAUN
As long as we’re in here and
they’re out there, we’re safe.

SMASH. The back window goes. MARY and THE HULK pull the
curtains down and reach through the broken glass.

NEWSREADER
-removing the head or destroying
the brain.

SHAUN takes a deep breath.


EXT. GARDEN -MOMENTS LATER

A WHISTLE. MARY and THE HULK stop thumping and turn to see ED
and SHAUN standing determinedly next to a cardboard box.

ED
Aim for the head.

The boys hurl the contents of the box; a variety of kitchen
implements, saucepans etc. They bounce ineffectually off the
intruders. Within seconds the arsenal is spent.

SHAUN
Now what? MARY and THE HULK close
in. ED looks to the nearby shed.

ED
We’ll have to get more stuff.
What’s in the shed?

SHAUN
I don’t know. It’s locked.

ED
Why is it locked?

SHAUN
It’s always been locked.

ED
Well, what are we going to-

ED spies the discarded ‘CRUCIAL ELECTRO’ album on the grass.

SHAUN
Ed, no-

Too late. ED flings the record frisbee style. SMACK. It
catches THE HULK in the face, throwing his head back.
45.

ED
Bam!

THE HULK staggers back up, the record sticking out of his
face. A look of confusion between SHAUN and ED.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed are trapped inside Shaun's house during a zombie outbreak and must defend themselves against the undead. They watch news broadcasts for information and end up encountering a zombie-like figure inside the house. After killing it, they must come up with a plan to defend themselves as more zombies try to break in.
Strengths "The scene creates tension and humor through the characters' reactions to the zombie outbreak. The dialogue is witty and keeps the audience engaged. The zombie attack is well choreographed and exciting to watch."
Weaknesses "The scene may be too graphic for some viewers. The characters do not show significant emotional growth or change during the scene."
Critique The scene has good tension and pacing, building towards the appearance of the suited man and the subsequent attack by Mary and the Hulk. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, there could be a clearer establishment of the setting - where exactly are they and what is the context of the situation? This could be conveyed through small visual details or dialogue.

The dialogue itself could be tightened up to make it more direct and impactful, with less repetition of information. Additionally, the characters' reactions to the situation could be more nuanced to reflect their personalities and relationships with each other.

Finally, the use of objects and the shed as a potential source of weapons could be set up earlier in the scene to create more anticipation and build-up towards the eventual confrontation.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the situation: It's not entirely clear what is happening outside, or why they are afraid of the people outside. Adding a line of dialogue or a brief explanation of what they are seeing would help the audience understand the danger.

2. Build tension: The scene could benefit from a stronger sense of urgency and danger. Perhaps the characters could hear screams or gunshots outside, or see more violent behavior from the people outside. This would make their fear more palpable to the audience.

3. Develop the characters: So far, we don't know much about the characters or their backstories. Adding a bit of characterization could make the audience care more about their fate. For example, we could see a moment of vulnerability from one of the characters, or learn more about their relationship to each other.

4. Raise the stakes: The characters seem to be in danger, but it's not clear what the consequences of failure are. Adding a sense of what they stand to lose if they don't escape or defend themselves could make the scene more tense and suspenseful.

5. Use visual cues: The scene relies heavily on dialogue to provide information, but using visual cues could make it more engaging. For example, showing the characters reacting to what they see on TV could convey their growing fear and confusion without needing dialogue. Additionally, the use of specific objects (like the Crucial Electro album) could add a bit of humor or personality to the scene.



Scene 15 -  Zombie Attack
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. GARDEN -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN unclips the lid on an expensive looking record box.

SHAUN
Now look, some of these are limited-

ED grabs a record and flings it. It flies past MARY’s head.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
What was that one?

ED
I think it was Blue Monday.

SHAUN
Aw, man! That was an original
pressing.

ED
Oh, for fuck’s sake.

ED starts flicking through the records.

ED (CONT’D)
‘Purple Rain’?

SHAUN
No.

ED
‘Sign Of The Times’?

SHAUN
Definitely not.

ED
Oh, come on. The ‘Batman’
soundtrack?

SHAUN
Throw it.

ED flings disappointing Prince. It lodges in MARY’s thigh.

ED
Dire Straits?
46.

SHAUN
Throw it.

ED flings dreary A.O.R. It thuds into THE HULK’s shoulder.

ED
Oootcha!! Okay, ‘Stone Roses’?

SHAUN
No!

ED
‘Second Coming’?

SHAUN
I like it!

ED picks another record. MARY and THE HULK bear down.

ED
‘Sade’?

SHAUN
It’s Liz’s.

ED
She did dump you!

ED throws. It misses and shatters against the house.

SHAUN
Oh fuck this. I’m going to the
shed.

SHAUN walks towards the shed. ED follows.

ED
I thought you said it was locked.

SHAUN
It is.

IS NOW PART OF SCENE 42


INT. SHED -CONTINUOUS

BLACKNESS. The door splinters open. SHAUN crashes through. ED
steps in after him. They survey the contents.
47.

EXT. GARDEN -CONTINUOUS

SHAUN and ED emerge from the shed. SHAUN carries a cricket
bat, ED has a spade. MARY and THE HULK are right on top of
them. There’s no other option.

ED
Which one do you want? Girl or
Bloke?

SHAUN
Um...first one.

WHACK. The first blow is tentative and reluctant. Each strike
gains confidence and force. MARY and THE HULK go down. The
blows become frenzied and in perfect synch.

MARY and the HULK are finally dead. SHAUN and ED stop,
hyperventilating together. Their hands bloodied. Their
clothes splattered. Their faces shocked. A baptism of gore.


INT. LOUNGE -DAY

SHAUN and ED are back on the sofa. SHAUN has a mug of tea in
his shaking hand. ED eats his Cornetto and points to SHAUN’s
shirt.

ED
You’ve got red on you.

A FRAZZLED CORRESPONDENT talks over footage of a GREYISH MAN
clawing at the glass of an observation room.

CORRESPONDENT (T.V.)
-scientists have now confirmed that
in all cases, people receiving
bites have experienced headaches
and nausea and developed symptoms
similar to those displayed by their
attackers. If you know someone who
has been bitten it is absolutely
essential that you isolate them
immediately-

SHAUN and ED look at each other.
Genres: ["horror","comedy"]

Summary After encountering strange phenomena, Shaun and Ed accidentally kill an undead girl and must survive a zombie outbreak.
Strengths "The blend of horror and comedy creates an engaging and entertaining atmosphere. The action scenes are thrilling and the characters are relatable."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels forced or overly repetitive, causing the pacing to slow at times."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene by stating that it is an effective use of dark humor and escalation of violence. The dialogue between Shaun and Ed is witty and their actions become more and more extreme as the scene progresses. However, there could be more visual details to enhance the horror of their actions, such as blood spatter and the sound of bones crunching. Overall, it is an engaging and entertaining scene.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the location: The scene opens with "EXT. GARDEN -MOMENTS LATER," but it's not clear where the garden is located or why the characters are there. Adding a brief description or context could help the audience understand the setting and why the characters are unboxing records in the garden.

2. Build tension: The scene has a lot of potential for tension, as ED throws records past MARY's head and into THE HULK's shoulder. However, the scene moves quickly from one thrown record to the next, without letting the tension build. Consider adding some reaction shots or close-ups to show the characters becoming increasingly agitated or scared as ED continues to throw records.

3. Give the characters more depth: Beyond their love of records, we don't get much insight into SHAUN and ED's personalities or motivations in this scene. Adding some dialogue or actions that reveal more about them could make the scene more interesting and engaging.

4. Be careful with violence: The scene's climax, where SHAUN and ED kill MARY and THE HULK, is shocking and gruesome. While this may suit the genre, it's important to be mindful of how the violence is portrayed and what message it may send. Consider whether this scene is necessary for the story, or if there are other ways to build tension and conflict without resorting to such extreme violence.

5. Connect the scene to the larger story: The scene ends with SHAUN and ED watching a news report about people bitten by some kind of disease. While this is a clear indication that something unusual is happening in the world, it's not clear how this connects to the rest of the story. Consider adding some context or foreshadowing in earlier scenes so that this news report doesn't feel like a random plot point.



Scene 16 -  The Call From Mum
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FRONT HALL -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN and ED stands at the foot of stairs, looking up.

SHAUN
Pete? Pete?
48.

ED
Why don’t we just go up?

SHAUN
I’m not going up there.

ED
Why not?

SHAUN
Because A) he might be one of them
and B) he might be really annoyed.
Pete? Must have gone to work.

ED
(finding Pete’s keys)
How come he didn’t drive?

SHAUN
(reaching)
Probably got a lift. He said he
wasn’t feeling well. Pete?

ED
(shouting)
Oi, PRICK?!

Nothing.

ED/SHAUN
He’s not in.

SHAUN thinks. ED gets out his fags and offers one to SHAUN.

SHAUN
I’ve given up.

ED
Since when?

SHAUN
Since-

Just as SHAUN remembers, the phone rings.

SCENE 48 IS NOW DELETED


INT. HALL -CONTINUOUS

He picks up.

SHAUN
Liz?
49.

BARBARA (O.S.)
Shaun.

SHAUN
Mum! I was just going to call you
actually. Is everything okay?

ED’s ears prick up. He instinctively stubs out his fag.

BARBARA (O.S.)
Yes...

SHAUN
Are you sure?

BARBARA (O.S.)
Some men tried to get into the
house.

SHAUN
Are they still there?

BARBARA (O.S.)
I’m not sure. We’ve shut the
curtains.

SHAUN
Did you try the police?

BARBARA
I thought about it.

SHAUN
Are you okay? Did they hurt you?

BARBARA (O.S.)
No, I’m fine, I’m fine...

SHAUN
Mum?

BARBARA (O.S.)
Well, they were a bit bitey.

The colour drains from SHAUN’s face.

SHAUN
Oh my God Mum. Have you been
bitten?

The colour drains from ED’s face too.

BARBARA (O.S.)
No, but Philip has.
50.

SHAUN
Oh okay.

ED
Has she been bitten?

SHAUN
(covers mouthpiece)
No, Philip has.

ED
Oh okay.

SHAUN
What sort of state is he in Mum?

BARBARA (O.S.)
Oh, he’s fine. A bit under the
weather.

SHAUN
I see.

ED
What’s the deal?

SHAUN
(covers mouthpiece)
We may have to kill my stepdad.
(back to Mum)
Look Mum, you’re not safe there.
Sit tight. We’re on our way over.

BARBARA (O.S.)
I don’t want to cause a fuss.

ED
We’re coming to get you Barbara!
Genres: []

Summary Shaun receives a call from his mom who tells him some men tried to get into their house and that Philip was bitten; it is then revealed that they may have to kill Shaun's stepdad.
Strengths "Building suspense, introducing new plot developments, and exploring the characters' relationships."
Weaknesses "No significant weaknesses were found."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the plot forward effectively. The dialogue between Shaun and Ed feels natural and conveys their personalities and relationship.

One minor critique is that some of the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise. For example, when Shaun is explaining why he doesn't want to go upstairs, the dialogue feels a bit repetitive. Additionally, the line "How come he didn't drive?" from Ed could be rephrased to sound more natural in his dialect.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the conflict for the rest of the film while still maintaining a comedic tone.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add some action: Currently, the scene is mostly dialogue. Consider adding some action to create visual interest. For example, SHAUN and ED could move around the space, checking different rooms, or SHAUN could be pacing nervously while on the phone with his mom.

2. Develop the tension: There's a lot of potential for tension in this scene, but it doesn't quite hit the mark. Consider ramping up the stakes and the urgency. For example, if SHAUN's stepdad has been bitten, there could be concern about him turning into a zombie and attacking them. Additionally, SHAUN could be more panicked and urgent on the phone with his mom.

3. Add some humor: This is a comedy after all, so consider adding some humor to the scene. For example, SHAUN and ED could have a funny exchange about giving up smoking, or SHAUN could accidentally hang up on his mom and have to call her back.

4. Make the dialogue more specific: Some of the dialogue in the scene is a bit generic. Consider making it more specific to the characters and their situation. This will help the audience connect with the characters and care about what happens to them. For example, instead of just saying "Some men tried to get into the house," Barbara could describe the men in more detail and why they were particularly scary.



Scene 17 -  Planning the Escape
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LOUNGE -MOMENTS LATER

SLAM. A boot hits the coffee table. ED laces. SHAUN paces.

ED
So what’s the plan?

SHAUN takes a deep breath.

SHAUN
Right...

Cue MONTAGE.
51.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
We take Pete’s car and we SHAUN and ED driving along in
drive over to Mum’s. Pete’s car. They pull up at
Barbara and Philip’s and run
heroically inside.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
We take care of Philip. SHAUN and ED stand armed,
behind a ZOMBIE PHILIP.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
I’m so sorry. Anguished, SHAUN and ED whack
PHILIP on the head.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Then we take Mum to Liz’s SHAUN, ED and BARBARA are
place and wait there until greeted by a grateful LIZ on
all this blows over. the doorstep. They sit
inside, drinking tea and
eating biscuits.

BACK TO SCENE

ED
Why do we have to go to Liz’s?

SHAUN
Because we do.

ED
But she dumped you!

SHAUN
I have to make sure she’s okay.

ED
Why?

SHAUN
Because I love her!

SHAUN surprises himself. A pause.

ED
Alright gay. I’m not staying there
though.

SHAUN
Why not?

ED
If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere
familiar.
(MORE)
52.

ED (CONT'D)
I wanna know where the exits are
and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

SHAUN
Okay...

Cue MONTAGE:

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Take Pete’s car. Get Mum. SHAUN and ED pull up at
Barbara and Philip’s.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Deal with Philip. They stand behind ZOMBIE
PHILIP.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
I’m sorry. Less anguished, they whack
PHILIP.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Go to Liz’s, pick her up and SHAUN, ED and BARBARA arrive
then come back here and wait at Liz’s. SHAUN carries LIZ
for it all to blow over. to the car. They pull up at
the HOUSE. They sit drinking
tea and eating biscuits.

BACK TO SCENE

ED
Perfect.

SHAUN
Wait. We can’t bring them here.

ED
Why not?

SHAUN
It’s not exactly safe, is it?

ED
Yeah. And look at the state of it.
There’s a corpse in the living
room.

SHAUN
Where’s safe? Where’s familiar?

ED
Where can I smoke?

SHAUN and ED look at each other.
53.

Cue MONTAGE:

SHAUN (V.O.) MONTAGE:
Get Mum. SHAUN and ED screech up.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Do Philip. SHAUN and ED are in a hurry.

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Sorry. Whack!

SHAUN (V.O.) (CONT’D) MONTAGE:
Get Liz, then wait for all SHAUN carries LIZ out. They
this to blow over, in the pull up at THE WINCHESTER and
only truly sensible and safe are ushered in by JOHN and
place there is... the DORIS. They sit, drinking and
Winchester. eating bar snacks.

BACK TO SCENE

SHAUN
How’s that for a fried gold
sandwich?

The TV is still on in the background.

NEWSREADER (T.V.)
...To recap, it is vital that you
stay in your homes; make no attempt
to reach loved ones and avoid all
physical contact with the
assailants.

ED
You believe everything you hear on
TV?

SHAUN flicks the TV off.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed come up with a plan to rescue their loved ones and seek safety at the Winchester pub amid a zombie outbreak.
Strengths "The scene effectively balances tension and humor. The montage sequence is well executed and propels the story forward."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition through dialogue, which may feel slow-paced to some viewers."
Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written and effective in moving the story forward. However, there are a few things that could be improved:

1. The use of multiple montages is somewhat confusing and feels like a shortcut to show the passage of time. A more seamless transition could be achieved through smoother cuts and dialogue that better conveys the necessary information.

2. The conversation between Shaun and Ed about where to hole up feels a bit repetitive and could be streamlined.

3. The reveal of Shaun's love for Liz feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more buildup earlier in the script.

4. The news broadcast at the end feels a bit heavy-handed and could be incorporated more organically into the scene.

Overall, though, this scene effectively advances the plot and conveys the characters' motivations and personalities. With a few tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from some more descriptive action lines. For instance, instead of just saying "ED laces," the action could be described in more detail - perhaps he aggressively ties his boots, signifying his frustration. Additionally, the use of a montage could be more effective if the scenes were condensed and shown in a more visually interesting way.

Another suggestion would be to add more conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, the dialogue is fairly straightforward and lacks any real emotional stakes. For example, perhaps there could be an argument between Shaun and Ed about whether or not they should risk going to Liz's house. This would add some depth to their dynamic and make the decision to go to the Winchester more meaningful.

Finally, the TV news report at the end of the scene feels a bit on-the-nose and clichéd. It might be more effective to have the characters interact directly with the world around them, rather than relying on a news report to provide exposition. This could be achieved through more creative use of dialogue or setting details.



Scene 18 -  Escape from the House
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. FRONT DOOR -MOMENTS LATER

A curtain is pulled back. We see Pete’s RENAULT MEGANE.

SHAUN (O.S.)
I see it man. It’s right outside.

SHAUN’s at the front door. ED is psyching up. They both have
their respective weapons; a spade and a cricket bat.

ED
What’s the zombie situation?
54.

SHAUN
Don’t say that.

ED
What?

SHAUN
That.

ED
What?

SHAUN
The ‘Z’ word.

ED
Why not?

SHAUN
Because it’s ridiculous.

ED
Okay...are there any out there
though?

SHAUN looks out. The street seems empty.

SHAUN
No. Maybe it’s not as bad as all
that.
(looks the other way)
Oh no, there they are.

SHAUN points. We REFRAME a fraction to see LOTS OF ZOMBIES.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Right, let’s do it.
(beat)
I’ve just go to do a wee first.

SHAUN skips to the loo. ED calls after.

ED
Can I drive?

SHAUN
What?

ED
I always wanted to drive Pete’s
car. I might not get another
chance.

SHAUN shrugs and throws ED the keys.
55.

INT. BATHROOM -MOMENTS LATER

A ZIP is unfastened...a TOILET FLUSHED...HAND washed.

SHAUN stares at his reflection in the open door of the

bathroom cabinet. He shuts it. In the reflection behind him-
NOTHING. He turns to see-

PETE. Standing naked in the shower, his face is contorted
with pain. His blank, milky eyes fix on a shocked SHAUN.

SHAUN
Pete, hi...

ZOMBIE PETE reaches out, his hand black and gangrenous.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Listen man, we’re just going to
borrow your car...but we’ll bring
it back...

Terrified, SHAUN backs out. ZOMBIE PETE slowly follows.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
...if you feel better later...we’re
going to the pub. You’re more than
welcome to...join us.

ZOMBIE PETE
Uhhhhhh...

SHAUN slams the bathroom door and runs off downstairs. ANGLE
ON THE HANDLE. It turns...


INT. FRONT DOOR -CONTINUOUS

A shocked SHAUN rejoins ED, who’s jangling the car keys.

ED
Pete’d be so pissed off if he knew
I was driving his car. Wouldn’t he?

SHAUN
I don’t think so.


EXT. FRONT GARDEN -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN walks briskly to the CAR. ED tags behind.
56.

ED
Shaun! Which button’s central
locking?

BANG. A FOOTBALL hits SHAUN on the head. He turns to see the
BORED KID. Now DEAD. Standing on the pavement nearby. ED
panics and presses any button. The MEGANE’s alarm goes off.

ED (CONT’D)
Cock it!

The nearby ZOMBIES turn slowly. The DEAD KID approaches...

ED pushes another button, the alarm stops and the locks flip
up. SHAUN and ED dive into the car. ED turns the key-

...The lights come on...The DEAD KID paws the bonnet...

...The wipers activate...The ZOMBIES lurch closer... The
indicators flash......A ZOMBIE NELSON approaches, hand
outstretched...The engine roars to life...The FRONT DOOR
bursts open. A naked PETE staggers out of the house...

SHAUN
Drive.


INT. CAR -AFTERNOON

ED drives fast through suburban streets. The radio is on.

RADIO NEWSREADER The Church of England has now joined
extremist groups in proclaiming the crisis as-

SHAUN looks out of the window to see...a FATHER bundling his
crying kids into a family car...an ABANDONED AMBULANCE with a
squirming bodybag on a gurney...ZOMBIES dotted around the
street and parks.

RADIO NEWSREADER (CONT’D)
-evidence of a coming apocalypse.
Once again bodies of the recently
dead-

ED
Can we put something else on?

ED whips out a cassette and puts it in the player. HARD HOUSE
booms. He grins at SHAUN-

WALLOP! Something flies off the bonnet, up over the car and
bounces across the road behind, ED slams on the brakes.
57.

ED (CONT’D)
We hit something.

SHAUN
Or someone.

ED leans on the horn, making them both jump.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed attempt to escape the zombie outbreak in Pete's car. They encounter a zombie Pete in the bathroom and narrowly escape him. They are chased by zombies as they get into the car and thankfully manage to drive away.
Strengths "Tension is kept high throughout the scene, with the threat of zombies always present. The humor of the scene hits well in moments like Ed wanting to drive and accidentally hitting the zombie with the car. The use of sound design helps bring the scene to life."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue between Shaun and Ed feels a bit forced, like their conversation about the 'Z word'. Zombie Pete's appearance is a bit sudden and could have benefited from some setup earlier in the film."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. The dialogue is witty and engaging, and the action progresses at a good pace. The use of humor is also effective in lightening the tension of the zombie apocalypse setting.

One critique could be the lack of visual details in the beginning. It's not clear where Shaun and Ed are, or what the setting looks like. A brief description of the house or neighborhood could help set the scene and add to the reader's immersion in the story.

Additionally, the sudden appearance of Zombie Pete in the bathroom could use some foreshadowing or buildup, rather than feeling like a sudden shock. Perhaps there could have been signs of Pete's zombification earlier on, or a sense of unease in the house leading up to the encounter.

Overall, the scene is well-done and effectively sets up the conflict and tension for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but here are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Show more urgency: While Shaun and Ed seem tense and worried about the zombie situation, they don't appear to be in a great hurry to get out of the house and to safety. Consider adding more urgency to their actions and dialogue to heighten the tension and make the audience feel more invested in their survival.

2. Establish stakes: It's not entirely clear what Shaun and Ed are trying to accomplish in this scene beyond getting to their car and driving away. Consider adding some specific stakes or objectives to this scene - for example, maybe they need to grab some supplies from the house before they can leave, or maybe they're trying to reach a specific location for safety.

3. Tighten the dialogue: While the banter between Shaun and Ed is amusing, there are some exchanges that could be streamlined or cut down to make the scene feel more focused. For instance, the back-and-forth about whether or not to say "zombie" feels a bit unnecessary. Consider trimming some of these exchanges to make the scene move more quickly and smoothly.



Scene 19 -  Rescue at Barbara and Philip's
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. ROAD -MOMENTS LATER

ED backs the car up level with the CRUMPLED BODY. SHAUN winds
down the window and calls over.

SHAUN
Are you alright?

ED
Come on, let’s just go.

SHAUN
Hello?

ED
They’ll be dead either way.

SHAUN
That’s not the point Ed-

A CRACKING SOUND. They turn to see the broken body lifting
its head, revealing...a GRIZZLED ZOMBIE. It hisses.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Oh thank God for that.

The irony of this hits SHAUN as ED hits the gas.


EXT. STREET -AFTERNOON

SHAUN and ED pull up outside Barbara and Philip’s. The only
other car in the street is a gleaming JAGUAR XJ6 sitting in
the driveway. ED whistles.

ED
You didn’t tell me Barbara had a
Jag. Always wanted to drive one of
those.

SHAUN
It’s Philip’s and he won’t let
anyone near it.
(MORE)
58.

SHAUN (CONT'D)
I left half a Mars Bar in the glove
box once, he chased me round the
garden with a piece of wood.

ED
Fuck. It’s gorgeous.

SHAUN looks around. The street is strangely quiet.

SHAUN
Come on, it seems clear enough.

ED
Why don’t I stay here?

SHAUN
What? Why?

ED
Someone should stay with the car.
Keep watch. If there’s any
problems, I’ll honk three times.

SHAUN
Okay.

Uncertain, SHAUN runs up the path. ED calls after him.

ED
Don’t forget to kill Philip.


INT. BARBARA & PHILIP’S HALL -MOMENTS LATER

BARBARA
Hello pickle.

SHAUN
Hey Mum.

BARBARA
You’ve got red on you.

BARBARA gets a tissue from her sleeve, licks it and dabs his
cheek clean. SHAUN looks warily into the house.

SHAUN
You alright?

BARBARA
Yes, I’m fine.

SHAUN
Where’s Philip?
59.

BARBARA
Dad’s in the lounge.

SHAUN
He’s not my Dad.

BARBARA
Oh Shaun, really.

SHAUN
Sorry Mum. Listen, Ed’s outside,
we’re getting you out of here.

BARBARA
But we’ve got to wait for the
doctor.

SHAUN
I don’t know if the doctor’s
coming.

BARBARA
Well, I’m not sure Philip’s going
to want to leave the house darling.

SHAUN
Philip’s not...why don’t you pop
the kettle on? I’ll take care of
Philip.

BARBARA
Okay. Are you hungry?

SHAUN
Not really.

BARBARA
I’ll make some sandwiches.

SHAUN
Okay.

BARBARA
No fighting you two.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed arrive at Barbara and Philip's house amid a zombie outbreak. Shaun's mom tells him that Philip was bitten and they may have to kill him. Shaun comes up with a plan to rescue their loved ones and head to the Winchester pub for safety.
Strengths "Tense moments of zombie danger mixed with humor; New storyline development with Philip potentially being a danger; Good character development for Shaun and his relationship with his mom"
Weaknesses "Limited action in this scene"
Critique Overall, the scene is well-constructed with clear character motivations and a building of tension. The dialogue is realistic and helps to establish the relationships between the characters. The reveal of the zombie is a good plot twist and adds a sense of danger to the scene.

However, there could be more attention paid to the physical action and setting of the scene. For example, the description of the body as "crumpled" could be expanded upon to add more detail and create a more vivid image for the reader. Additionally, it may be helpful to include more visual cues about the surroundings, such as the appearance of the street and house, to enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Overall, with a bit more attention to detail, this scene could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider adding more description to the scene to set the mood and tone. What does the road look like? Is it deserted or are there other abandoned cars? Is there any debris or signs of struggle?
- Try to make the dialogue more natural and realistic. The current dialogue seems a bit forced and unnatural.
- Develop the conflict between Shaun and Ed more. Right now, it feels like their banter is just filler and doesn't add much to the story or their relationship.
- Think about how the zombie reveal can be more impactful. Perhaps describe how the body looks before it moves, or add a suspenseful buildup to the moment when it starts to move.
- The transition to the new scene could be smoother. Is there a way to incorporate the scene change into the current one, or can there be a more seamless cut between them?
- Develop the tension and suspense of entering Barbara and Philip's house. Right now, it feels like a lighthearted moment between Shaun and his mother. Add some foreboding elements to the setting or situation to make the audience feel more unease.



Scene 20 -  Confrontation
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BARBARA & PHILIP’S LOUNGE -CONTINUOUS

The door creaks open. A grey looking PHILIP is sat in an
armchair. He is inert, wrapped in a blanket and facing the
television, which plays RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMING. His eyes are
closed. SHAUN approaches him, mind racing. He raises the
CRICKET BAT above his head, as organ music on the TV swells.
60.

SHAUN
I’m so sorry Philip.

PHILIP
Why?

SHAUN yelps, hiding the BAT behind him.

PHILIP (CONT’D)
What have you done now?

SHAUN
Nuffin.

PHILLIP
What’ve you got there? Flowers I
hope.

SHAUN
No, it’s a...cricket bat.

BARBARA
Oh.

SHAUN yelps again as BARBARA appears and takes the bat.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
Is that for the jumble Shaun?

BARBARA
There’s a whole box of your toys
upstairs, I was going to give them
to the jumble.

PHILIP
I took them all to the tip,
Barbara.

SHAUN
Oh, what?

BARBARA
Shaun’s come to take us somewhere.

PHILIP
Don’t be silly, I’m not going
anywhere.

SHAUN
Well maybe you should stay here and
wait for the doctor. I’ll take Mum.

BARBARA
You said the doctor wasn’t coming.
61.

PHILIP
You didn’t call the doctor did you?

BARBARA
I just thought it was best to be
safe.

PHILIP
I’m quite alright, Barbara. I’ve
run it under a cold tap. And we had
our jabs when we went to the Isle
of Wight.

BARBARA
But Philip-

PHILIP
It’s all a lot of overblown
nonsense. Just a bunch of drugnuts
running wild.

SHAUN
Still, should get Mum away, in case
they come back.

BARBARA
I’m not going anywhere without
Philip.

SHAUN
Mum...listen, did you make that
tea?


INT. KITCHEN -MOMENTS LATER

BARBARA makes tea. SHAUN is agitated.

SHAUN
Mum?

BARBARA
Mmmm?

SHAUN
How much do you love Philip?

BARBARA
Two sugars is it?

SHAUN
I haven’t had sugar in my tea since
1982.
62.

BARBARA
Will you cut me some bread love?

SHAUN cuts bread with a fearsome looking bread knife.

SHAUN
Mum, how much do you love Philip?

BARBARA
Oh for goodness sake Shaun, must we
go through this again?

SHAUN
I’m sorry but...what would you
think if I told you that he has,
over the years, been quite unkind
to me.

BARBARA
You weren’t always the easiest
person to live with.

SHAUN
Mum, he chased me with a piece of
wood.

BARBARA
Well, you did call him a ‘you know
what’.

SHAUN
Did he tell you that?

BARBARA
Yes he did.

SHAUN
Motherfucker.

BARBARA
Shaun!

SHAUN
Sorry Mother...Mum. Did you know
that, on several occasions, he
touched me?

BARBARA flashes SHAUN a look.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Sorry, that’s not true. Look, Mum
you don’t understand-

BARBARA stops what she’s doing. Turns to SHAUN.
63.

BARBARA
No you don’t understand, Philip is
my husband and has been for
seventeen years. I know you haven’t
always seen eye to eye but I would
at least expect you to respect my
feelings. You have to be more adult
about these things.

PHILIP (O.S.)
Yes come on Shaun...

PHILIP is stood at the kitchen door, his arm in a sling. He
looks weak but still towers over SHAUN.

PHILIP (CONT’D)
...there comes a time when you’ve
just got to be a man.

SHAUN glances down at the knife in his hand, then back at
PHILIP. His grip around the handle tightens.
Genres: ["horror","comedy"]

Summary Shaun confronts his stepfather Philip and tries to convince his mom to leave with them to seek safety from the zombie outbreak. Philip is dismissive and Barbara is torn between loyalty to her husband and concern for their safety.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is well-crafted, with the conflict between Shaun and Philip palpable. The dialogue also effectively reveals the strained relationship between Shaun and his stepfather."
Weaknesses "The scene mainly serves to move the plot forward and does not provide much emotional impact or character development. The religious programming on the TV seems to be out of place."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and contains tension between the characters. However, there are a few areas of improvement that could make it stronger.

Firstly, the opening description of Philip as "grey looking" is somewhat vague and doesn't provide enough physical detail to help the reader fully envision the character. Consider adding more descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of him.

Secondly, the dialogue between the characters feels somewhat repetitive at times, especially with Shaun repeatedly yelping and Barbara constantly asking for clarification on what is happening. Condensing some of the dialogue or finding different ways to convey the same information could make the scene more impactful.

Finally, there could be more emphasis on the reaction to Shaun's cricket bat. The fact that he raises it above his head implies violent intentions, but the other characters don't seem to react with the appropriate level of concern. Adding more tension to this moment and emphasizing the potential for violence would raise the stakes of the scene and make it more engaging for the reader.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions:

1. Increase the tension: In this scene, Shaun is holding a cricket bat and is clearly agitated. However, the tension could be heightened by having Philip realize that Shaun is holding a weapon. This would make the audience wonder if Shaun is capable of attacking Philip.

2. Develop the conflict: Although the conflict between Shaun and Philip is hinted at, it's not fully explored. To make this scene more engaging, the conflict could be developed further. For example, the dialogue could reveal specific instances where Philip was unkind to Shaun.

3. Develop the characters: While we get a sense of Shaun's anger and frustration, there's not much development of the other characters. To make the audience care more about the characters, the script could reveal more about their personalities and relationships.

4. Create more visual interest: Throughout this scene, the characters are primarily standing and talking. To add more visual interest, the scene could include more action or movement. For example, Shaun could be pacing or fidgeting with the cricket bat, while Philip could be struggling to get out of his chair.

5. Consider the pacing: While tension and conflict are important, it's also important to vary the pace of a scene. This scene could benefit from moments of quiet reflection or introspection, which would allow the characters to process their feelings and motivations.



Scene 21 -  Escape from the House
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. BARBARA & PHILIP’S HOUSE -MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN drags his cricket bat like a stroppy teenager as he
leads BARBARA and PHILIP up the path. There are still no
ZOMBIES around.

PHILIP
Told you this was a fuss over
nothing.

ED stands at the end of the garden, hands in his pockets.

BARBARA
Hello Edward. My you’ve grown!

ED
Better believe it.

ED nods to PHILIP then whispers to SHAUN.

ED (CONT’D)
What happened? Why’s he coming?

SHAUN
It wasn’t as easy as all that.

ED tuts at SHAUN. PHILIP stands by the JAG.

PHILIP
So, we’re following you are we?
64.

SHAUN
I think it’s best if we go in the-
(looks to ED)
Where’s the car?

ED looks sheepishly off. We follow his gaze to see the
RENAULT MEGANE wrapped around a lamppost. A write-off.

ED
I pranged it.

SHAUN
You were parked.

ED
Yeah...guess we’ll have to take the
Jag.

SHAUN takes a deep breath and turns to PHILIP.

SHAUN
Umm...Philip?

PHILIP
What?

A ZOMBIE appears right behind PHILIP. We recognise him as one
of the DAZED YOUNG CLUBBERS from earlier.

SHAUN
Look out!

Too late. The ZOMBIE grabs PHILIP and takes a huge bite out
of his shoulder.

PHILIP
CHRIST!

SHAUN sprints over and kicks the ZOMBIE clear. PHILIP falls.
Another CLUBBER ZOMBIE approaches, complete with whistle.

SHAUN
Philip, give me the car keys!

PHILIP
You’re not driving that car.

SHAUN
Phillip...

SHAUN spins and deftly smashes the 2nd ZOMBIE in the face-
knocking the whistle down his throat.
65.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
...give me the car keys!

PHILIP gives them to SHAUN, who throws them to ED.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed! Get Mum in the car.

ED
I’m on it!

ED catches the keys and looks at them. He smiles for a moment
before ushering BARBARA in. SHAUN pulls PHILIP off the
ground, his neck gushes blood.

PHILIP
Don’t worry about me. Worry about
your mother.

SLAM! SHAUN jumps in the back with PHILIP. BARBARA’s up front
with ED, who’s admiring the Jag’s interior.

SHAUN
Maybe I should drive.

ED
I’ve adjusted the seat now.

SHAUN
Go on then. Just be caref-

He’s drowned out by ED’s HARD HOUSE tape. They scream off.


INT. JAG -AFTERNOON

London whizzes by. We catch whispers of ACCIDENTS, a CAR
driving erratically with a BABY CARRIAGE on the roof. We see
ZOMBIES beating down the doors of houses. A huddle of ZOMBIE
KIDS are gathered around a body next to an ABANDONED ICE
CREAM VAN.

SHAUN attempts to bandage the profusely bleeding PHILIP with
his jacket. The HARD HOUSE blares from the stereo.

PHILIP
Can we please turn that noise down?

BARBARA
(offering a handful of
tissues)
Are you alright dear, would you
like a tissue?
66.

PHILIP
I’d be fine, if it wasn’t for that
bloody racket.

BARBARA
It is a little loud.

ED turns it down immediately for her.

ED
Sorry Barbara.

PHILIP
You do realise this is a thirty
mile an hour zone?

ED
Oh yeah.

ED winks at BARBARA and speeds recklessly onward.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun, Ed, Barbara, and Philip attempt to escape the zombie outbreak in the Jag, but encounter a zombie attack. Philip is bitten and the group narrowly escapes. They speed through London, encountering various disturbing scenes.
Strengths "The action is tense and exciting, and the addition of some humor helps balance out the tone."
Weaknesses "The scene feels a bit predictable, following a familiar formula for zombie movies."
Critique This scene is well-written in terms of the action and dialogue, using visual descriptions and clear actions to move the story forward. The introduction of the zombie attack adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters.

One minor suggestion is to consider varying sentence structure for a smoother reading experience. For example, the repetition of "ZOMBIE" can be avoided with synonyms or descriptors, and adding more variety to sentence length and structure can create a more dynamic and engaging scene.

Overall, this scene effectively moves the story forward and introduces a new obstacle for the characters to face.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the tension: The scene needs more tension. The zombies appear suddenly behind Philip, and the attack happens too quickly. You can use slow motion, close-ups, and dramatic music to increase the tension.

2. Enhance the character arcs: The scene doesn't add much to the character arcs. You can use this scene to develop the relationships between Shaun, Philip, and Barbara, and show how they are forced to rely on each other and work together. You can also use this scene to show how Shaun is starting to take charge and become more responsible.

3. Make the action more believable: Some of the actions in the scene are not very believable. For example, Ed smiling after getting the keys to the car is not a realistic reaction in a life-threatening situation. You can make the action more realistic by adding more urgency, showing the characters reacting realistically to danger, and using more practical effects.

4. Use more visual storytelling: The scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey information. You can use more visual storytelling to show what is happening and convey emotions and themes. For example, you could show close-ups of the wounds and the blood to make the attack more visceral and emotional. You can also use symbolism and visual metaphors to convey themes like death and decay.



Scene 22 -  Escape from the Forecourt
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 5
EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK -CONTINUOUS

The JAG screeches to a halt. Everyone is thrown forward. A
now heavily bandaged PHILIP moans in pain.

ED
Here.

The forecourt is dotted with a FEW ZOMBIES, who lurch over.

SHAUN
Mum, this won’t take a second.

SHAUN tries the door, it won’t open. He turns to PHILIP.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Have you still got the child locks
on?

PHILIP
Safety first Shaun.

SHAUN winds down the window and squirms out.

SHAUN
Ed, stay moving. Any problems-

ED
Yeah, yeah. Do the honks.

ED cruises off around the forecourt. SHAUN heads for the
door. Three ZOMBIES block his path. He knocks them down.
67.

BUZZ. SHAUN slams the bell. Behind him the floored ZOMBIES
quietly pick themselves up and advance again.

DIANNE (O.S.)
Hello?

Before SHAUN can answer- HONK! HONK! HONK! ED beeps from the
Jag. SHAUN turns. The ZOMBIES are right on top of him.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun, Ed, Barbara, and Philip attempt to escape a zombie horde at an apartment block forecourt. Shaun and Philip have a confrontation about safety, while Ed and Shaun try to find a way out.
Strengths "Tense and suspenseful scene with high stakes. Memorable action scenes with the zombies."
Weaknesses "Limited character development and lack of significant dialogue."
Critique This scene is a well-choreographed action sequence that effectively builds tension and highlights the peril that the characters are facing. The dialogue is concise and provides a clear sense of who the characters are and what they're trying to achieve.

However, there are a few areas that could be further improved. The scene lacks a clear sense of setting, so it's difficult for the audience to fully picture what's happening. It would be beneficial to have some more descriptive language to give a better sense of the environment, such as the type of apartment block or the weather conditions.

Additionally, the scene would benefit from a clearer understanding of the stakes. While it's clear that the characters are in danger from the zombies, it's not clear why they're at the apartment block or what they're trying to accomplish. Providing more context would help to create a stronger sense of tension and increase the audience's investment in the characters' plight.

Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively uses action and dialogue to create tension. By providing more context and setting details, it could be improved to make it even more engaging for the audience.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase tension: While there seems to be some danger in this scene with the zombies, it could be heightened by adding more urgency and fast-paced action. Consider ways to make the confrontation with the zombies feel more intense, perhaps by having more zombies or having them move faster.

2. Develop character relationships: This scene could benefit from more development of the characters' relationships and motivations. What is Shaun's relationship with his mother and how does that inform his behavior? What is Philip's backstory and how does that impact his actions? Fleshing out these details can make the scene richer and more engaging.

3. Add stakes: There don't seem to be any real stakes in this scene - the characters are just trying to get into an apartment building. Consider ways to make the outcome of the scene more important, or to raise the stakes in some way. Perhaps there is something in the building they need to find or a deadline they need to meet.

4. Improve the dialogue: While the dialogue is functional, there isn't anything particularly memorable or impactful about it. Consider ways to make the characters' words more distinct and memorable. This can make the scene more memorable as well.



Scene 23 -  Escaping to The Winchester
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIZ’S FLAT -CONTINUOUS

A worried DAVID and DIANNE huddle round the entry phone,
which buzzes with sounds of PITCH BATTLE. LIZ emerges from
her room and joins them. There is a noise at the window-

It’s SHAUN. At the glass.

SHAUN
Guys? Let me in, please.

LIZ
What are you doing?

SHAUN
I’ve come to get you.

DIANNE
You’re bleeding.

SHAUN
It’s okay, it’s not mine.

LIZ opens the window. SHAUN tumbles in, bat in hand. LIZ
looks at him, half way between angry and impressed.

LIZ
Sorry, what are you doing?

SHAUN stands and catches his breath.

SHAUN
I’ve come to take you somewhere
safe.

DAVID
What do you mean safe? We were
perfectly safe until you turned up.

SHAUN
You don’t know that.
68.

DAVID
But there were only two of them
outside a minute ago and now how
many are there?

DIANNE
Lots.

DAVID
Lots.

SHAUN
Believe me, it only takes one of
them to know you’re in here. Liz, I
tried calling but I couldn’t get
through. I had to come up with a
plan.

LIZ
Oh, you made a plan?

SHAUN
I don’t care what the telly says,
we have to get out of here. If we
stay, they will break down the
door, they will come up here and
they will tear us to pieces and
that’s really going to exacerbate
matters for all of us.

LIZ
Smooth.

SHAUN
Listen to me. Please. You have to
trust me. I’ve been out there, I’ve
seen what’s happening. They’re not
just going to give up and go away.
They’ll keep coming.

LIZ
Shaun-

SHAUN
This isn’t about you and me Liz.
It’s about survival. We need to be
somewhere more secure, somewhere on
the ground. Somewhere we can
survive.

LIZ’s reluctance seems to waver.

DIANNE (O.S.)
We’re with you, Shaun.
69.

SHAUN LIZ
What? What?

DAVID
What?

DIANNE
We’re with you.

DAVID
I’m not going out there.

DIANNE
You saw Titus at the National,
Daffs. I don’t want to be torn to
pieces and I’m sure, if you really
think about it, neither do you.

DAVID
I’m not going if Lizzy isn’t going.

DIANNE
Of course she’s going.

DAVID
I’m not staying here on my own.

DIANNE
You’re going aren’t you Elizabeth?

DAVID
Lizzy?

SHAUN
Liz?

All eyes are on an uncertain LIZ. From outside, we hear a
building chorus of moans. LIZ takes a deep breath.

LIZ
Alright Flash, what did you have in
mind?

SHAUN
Right...uh, I’ve got a car outside,
but it’s going to be a bit cramped.
So, have either of you got
transport?

DIANNE
(putting up her hand)
Yes, yes.
70.

SHAUN
Good. Where?

DIANNE
Oh, no. I mean I’ve passed my test.

SHAUN
David?

DAVID
I don’t think there’s any point
owning a car in London.

SHAUN
Okay then, let’s just gather any
blunt objects. If you get cornered,
bash them in the head, that seems
to work. Just keep together, stay
sharp and follow me.

LIZ
So what is the plan then?

SHAUN flips up his cricket bat and gathers himself.

SHAUN
(firmly)
We’re going to The Winchester.

CLOSE on the incredulous faces of LIZ, DI and DAVID.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun convinces Liz, David, and Dianne to leave Liz's flat and head to The Winchester pub for safety during a zombie outbreak. They gather blunt objects and follow Shaun out of the flat.
Strengths "Strong character motivations and dialogue, building tension, moves the story forward, high stakes."
Weaknesses "Theme could be explored more deeply, limited character development."
Critique This scene has good tension and a clear objective for the characters. The introduction of Shaun and his plan to keep everyone safe adds a layer of intrigue and leaves the audience wondering what exactly is happening outside. However, the dialogue could be tightened to make it more concise and impactful. There are also several instances where the characters repeat each other, which could be eliminated. Overall, it's a solid scene with room for improvement in the dialogue.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more urgency: This scene involves the main characters making a life-or-death decision, but the dialogue lacks the urgency and tension needed to convey the gravity of the situation. Consider adding some more frenzied dialogue, shorter sentences, and more physical action to heighten the tension and urgency.

2. Clarify the stakes: While it's clear that Shaun is trying to get Liz and the others to safety, it's not entirely clear why it's necessary or what the consequences of staying in the flat would be. Consider adding more explicit information about the danger outside and why they need to leave immediately.

3. Develop the characters: While some of the characters' personalities shine through in their dialogue (e.g. Shaun's humor and bravado), others are underdeveloped. Consider adding more dialogue that reveals their motivations, fears, and relationships with one another.

4. Be mindful of exposition: There's a fair amount of exposition in this scene, with characters explaining the situation and their plans in detail. While some exposition is necessary, try to find ways to convey information more organically through action and dialogue rather than having characters spell out what they're thinking and feeling.

5. Add some subtext: While the dialogue is functional, it's not particularly layered or nuanced. Consider adding some subtext to the scene - i.e. what the characters are really thinking and feeling beneath the surface - to make it more engaging and complex. This could involve adding more conflicts or tensions between the characters, or revealing hidden motives or agendas.



Scene 24 -  Escape in the Jag
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. LIZ’S FLAT –MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE on the terrified faces of LIZ, DI and DAVID; as they
clumsily battle the ZOMBIES on their doorstep. LIZ wields a
hockey stick, DAVID an umbrella, DIANNE a piece of driftwood.
SHAUN guides them through the crowd with his cricket bat.

LIZ
Where’s the car?

HONK! The Jag pulls up, knocking a ROADSWEEPER ZOMBIE
flying...

ED
Whassup niggaz?

Everyone stops momentarily and looks at ED, before breaking
into a run for the Jag. LIZ squeezes into the front. SHAUN,
DAVID and DI pile in the back. SHAUN is jammed next to
PHILIP, who looks even worse. ZOMBIES encroach on the car.
71.

SHAUN
Apologies for the cramped
conditions.
(to Di)
Di, you sit on Dave’s lap if you
can.
(to Phillip)
Phillip, hang in there.
(to Ed)
Ed, fast as you can okay?
(to Barbara)
And Mum this is Liz.
(to Liz)
Liz, Mum.

LIZ
Hello.

BARBARA
Hello.

ED hits the gas. The engine roars.


INT/EXT. CAR -AFTERNOON

The Jag is unbearably cramped. ED drives fast, flying over
speed bumps. The HARD HOUSE is back on the stereo. PHILIP
moans weakly.

PHILIP
Shaun...

SHAUN
I know, I know. Be careful will you
Ed?

DIANNE
Is your Dad alright?

SHAUN
He’s not my Dad.

DIANNE
He’s bleeding.

SHAUN
I know. Ed, will you please be
careful?!

ED
Thought you wanted to get there
fast.
72.

ED swerves slightly. A ZOMBIE glances off the bonnet.

ED (CONT’D)
Oof!

SHAUN
I want to get there in one piece.
And why are we going this way?

ED
Chill out, it’s a short cut.

SHAUN
But the other road goes straight to
The Winchester.

PHILLIP
Shaun...

SHAUN ejects the tape with a huff.

DAVID
I still don’t actually understand
why we are going to The Winchester.

SHAUN looks at LIZ. They keep eye contact.

SHAUN
It’s a pub, it’s safe, it’s secure-

ED
They know us there.

LIZ
What makes it so secure?

SHAUN
(floundering)
It’s got heavy doors. It’s got dead
bolts. You’ve been to a lock in.

LIZ
Several.

ED
And there’s a rifle above the bar.

DAVID
I would think that’s deactivated.

DIANNE
Surely.
73.

ED
It’s not. I’m telling you, John’s
connected. Big Al says so.

SHAUN
Big Al also says dogs can’t look
up.

ED
They can’t.

DIANNE
Can’t they?

ED
No, they can’t.

SHAUN
Of course they can-

DIANNE
Are you sure?

SHAUN
Look, the pub’s the right place to
go. Everything’s gonna be fine.
Promise.

Hearing the ‘P’ word, LIZ, DAVID and DI frown at SHAUN.

PHILLIP
Shaun...

SHAUN
I turned it off, alright?

PHILIP
It’s not easy.

SHAUN
What?

PHILIP is fading, he tugs on SHAUN’s arm and whispers.

PHILIP
Being a father Shaun. It’s not
easy.

SHAUN is taken aback.

SHAUN
What?
74.

PHILIP
You were twelve when I met you,
you’d already grown up so much.

SHAUN
Yeah...well, I wasn’t the easiest
person to live with.

PHILIP
I just wanted you to be strong, not
give up because you lost your Dad.

SHAUN
Philip, you don’t have to
explain...

PHILIP
I do. I’ve always loved you Shaun,
always thought you had it in you to
do well. You just need motivation.
Somebody to prove yourself to. I
thought that could be me.

SHAUN nods, eyes wide. With huge effort, PHILIP puts his hand
on SHAUN’s shoulder.

PHILIP (CONT’D)
Take care of your Mum, there’s a
good boy.

PHILIP slips away. SHAUN closes his dead step-dad’s eyes.

SHAUN
(tremulously)
Ed, could you pull over?

ED
Two seconds.

ED swerves again. Another ZOMBIE bounces off the Jag.

ED (CONT’D)
Sweet chin music!

SHAUN
Ed! Will you just pull over,
please.

ED
What for?

SHAUN
ED, JUST PULL OVER!
75.

ED slams on the brakes. Everyone is thrown violently around
the interior as the car turns 180 and screams to a stop. The
passengers sit in shocked silence. ED whoops.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Christ! What the hell are you
doing?

ED
Chill out. Everyone’s alright.

Furious, SHAUN punches the back of ED’s headrest.

SHAUN
Stop-telling-me-to-chill-out!

ED huffs in sulky protest. SHAUN gathers himself.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
And no, everyone is not alright.

LIZ
What’s wrong?

SHAUN
Uh, well...Mum?

BARBARA
What’s wrong Pickle?

SHAUN
Mum, it’s Philip...he’s gone.

BARBARA
Where’s he gone?

SHAUN
Mum, he’s dead.

BARBARA
No he’s not.

SHAUN looks at PHILIP who stares back milky eyed, UNDEAD.

ZOMBIE PHILIP
Uhhhhhh...

Shit. A scramble for the doors. ZOMBIE PHILIP claws hungrily
at SHAUN. BARBARA, LIZ and ED pile out; ED accidentally knees
the HARD HOUSE tape back into the stereo. It BLARES again.
DAVID and DI struggle to get out.

DAVID
It won’t open!
76.

DIANNE
It won’t open!

SHAUN
Ed, the child locks!

ED slopes towards the door, but LIZ quickly steps in before
him to open it. DAVID and DI fall out, followed by SHAUN. He
turns to see PHILIP lunge at him. SHAUN slams the car door.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Safety first Philip.

SHAUN swings round and glowers at ED. He glowers right back.

DAVID
Now what?

The GANG are out in the open. The HARD HOUSE draws the
attention of several nearby ZOMBIES, who begin to close in.

SHAUN
We have to keep moving.

DIANNE
But how do we get Philip out of the
car?

SHAUN
We haven’t got time.

LIZ
What about the blunt objects?

ED
Do you want to get them?

ED nods to the slavering PHILIP. BARBARA looks on in shock.

BARBARA
Shaun, we can’t just leave your
Dad.

SHAUN
He’s not my Dad!

BARBARA
Oh Shaun-

SHAUN grabs a shaken BARBARA by the shoulders. BEHIND we see
ZOMBIE PHILIP lunging forward into the front seat.
77.

SHAUN
He’s not Mum. He was but he’s not
anymore-

BARBARA
I’m sure if we just-

SHAUN
That’s not even your husband. I
know it looks like him but believe
me, there is nothing of the man you
loved in that car now. Nothing.

BEHIND we see ZOMBIE PHILIP reach forward and SWITCH THE HARD
HOUSE OFF. He sits back and looks almost peaceful.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Let’s go shall we?

DAVID
You’re not seriously suggesting we
walk are you?
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun, Ed, Barbara, and Philip attempt to escape a zombie horde in the Jag, but encounter a zombie attack. Philip is bitten and turns, leading the group to narrowly escape. The group speeds through London, encountering various disturbing scenes. When they arrive at Liz's flat, Shaun convinces Liz, David, and Dianne to leave with them to seek safety in The Winchester pub.
Strengths "The tension and danger of the zombie outbreak is well-balanced with moments of humor and character development."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit forced or unrealistic at times."
Critique
Suggestions Overall, the scene works well in terms of building tension and creating a sense of urgency. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Characterization: While we know the names of the characters, we don't have much information about who they are and what their motivations are. Adding a bit more backstory or context to each character could help the audience connect with them more.

2. Dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit forced and exposition-heavy. For example, when Liz asks about the car, it feels like the only reason she's asking is to give Shaun an excuse to introduce Ed. The conversation about the pub also feels a bit stilted and unnatural. Finding more natural ways to convey information to the audience could help the scene flow more smoothly.

3. Action: While there's a lot of action happening in the scene, it can be difficult to visualize exactly what's going on. Adding more specific details about how the characters are fighting the zombies could help make the scene more engaging and give the audience a better sense of what's happening.

4. Emotions: Given the high stakes of the scene, it would be helpful to show more of the characters' emotions throughout. For example, we don't get a sense of how Liz feels about fighting zombies or how Shaun feels about Philip's death (at least, until he has to confront the zombie version of him). Including more emotional beats could help the audience connect with the characters and feel more invested in their journey.



Scene 25 -  In Search of the Winchester
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. BACK ALLEY –LATER

SHAUN walks briskly along a high-fenced back alley.

SHAUN
Everyone okay back there?

ED (O.S.)
Yeah, we’re having a whale of a
time.

We see the GANG tagging along behind him; LIZ, DAVID and DI
followed by a dazed BARBARA. ED skulks at the back, smoking.

DIANNE
Maybe we should all hold hands,
y’know? Make a crocodile?

DAVID
Do you have any idea where you’re
going?

LIZ
David!

DAVID
Sorry Lizzy.
78.

LIZ
(whispering to Shaun)
Do you though?

SHAUN
Totally, totally.

LIZ
But are we close?

SHAUN peers through fence slats into a nearby garden. The
MULLET HAIRED FIFTYSOMETHING from the pub lies dead on the
grass surrounded by a ravenous huddle of FEMALE ZOMBIES.

SHAUN
Pretty close.

LIZ looks back to the glazed BARBARA, concerned.

LIZ
Is your Mum going to be okay?

SHAUN
I hope so. Did you manage to
contact your folks?

LIZ
They’re in Antigua.

SHAUN
D’you think it’s happening there?

LIZ
I hope not.

SHAUN
Look Liz...about last night. I know
a lot of things were said, but I
just wanted you to know that-

LIZ
Shaun, you said this wasn’t about
you and me.

SHAUN
It’s not. I just wanted-

LIZ
You said it was about survival.

SHAUN
It is-
79.

LIZ
You’re not doing all this just to
prove something are you?

SHAUN
No-

LIZ
Because, I meant everything I said
last night. Nothing’s changed-

A SCREAM in the distance is answered by a chorus of distant
and not so distant moans which seem to surround them.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Maybe this isn’t the best time to
talk about it.

SHAUN
I know, I know, I just-

BANG. SHAUN walks right into-

YVONNE
Ohmigod, Shaun!

SHAUN
Yvonne?

YVONNE is heading in the opposite direction with an uncannily
similar bunch of FRIENDS and FAMILY.

YVONNE
How you doing?

SHAUN
Uh...surviving.

YVONNE
Hey Liz. Long time no see.

LIZ
Hey Yvonne. Haven’t seen you
since...

YVONNE replies with her dance again, then turns to her party.

YVONNE
Sorry, this is my boyfriend Declan.
That’s my Dad, my friends Mark and
Maggie, my cousin Tom.

Everyone mumbles a respective ‘hello’.
80.

YVONNE (CONT’D)
This is Shaun and his girlfriend
Liz-

DAVID
They’ve broken up.

YVONNE
Oh really...?

LIZ
Yeah...

SHAUN looks at the ground. YVONNE looks awkward.

YVONNE
That’s a shame...Well we should
skoot. Have you got somewhere
you’re going?

SHAUN
Yeah, we’re heading to the
Winchester.

YVONNE
The pub?

SHAUN
Yeah.

YVONNE
Right, well. Good luck.

SHAUN
You too.

YVONNE and SHAUN hug. This time it’s real and affectionate.
The two groups move their separate ways. There is a weird
poignancy to this passing...before YVONNE calls out.

YVONNE
Shaun?

YVONNE points in a completely different direction.

YVONNE (CONT’D)
Isn’t the Winchester that way?
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and the gang walk through a back alley towards the Winchester pub for safety from the zombie outbreak. Along the way, they encounter Yvonne and her group, who they haven't seen in years.
Strengths "The scene sets up the plan for the gang to reach the Winchester for safety. There is also a moment of poignancy between Shaun and Yvonne."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much action or plot development."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in establishing the relationships and dynamics among the characters. The dialogue flows naturally and each character has a distinct voice. The use of humor, particularly with ED's sarcastic remark, adds levity to the tense situation and creates a break in the tension.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. The description of the setting is not particularly detailed, so adding more sensory details could help immerse the audience in the scene. Additionally, while the conversation between Shaun and Liz about their relationship adds some emotional depth, it may be too on the nose and could be more subtly integrated throughout the scene rather than being a separate conversation. Finally, the reveal at the end about the direction to the Winchester could be considered a bit cliche and predictable.

Overall, the scene effectively moves the story forward and builds tension while also establishing character relationships and humor. With some minor adjustments, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and flows smoothly. However, there are a few things that could be improved:

1. The dialogue can be tightened up. There are some moments where characters are repeating each other or saying things that are not necessary.

2. There could be more action or movement to break up the dialogue. For example, instead of just walking, maybe the group could be dodging zombies or obstacles in the alleyway.

3. There could be more tension or conflict in the scene. Right now, it feels like a lull in the action, but it could benefit from some sort of obstacle or challenge for the group to overcome.

4. The moment between Shaun and Liz feels a bit forced and might not be necessary to the plot. Consider cutting or condensing that part of the dialogue.

5. The ending with Yvonne's direction could be clearer and more impactful. Right now, it feels a bit abrupt and doesn't have as much of a payoff as it could. Consider how to heighten the tension or make it more surprising.



Scene 26 -  The Gang Takes a Short Cut
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. ALLEY –AFTERNOON

CRASH. A gate is kicked open.
81.

SHAUN
What’d I tell you? Pub’s just over
there.

We see the WINCHESTER’s sign in the distance.

DAVID
‘Just over there’? What about the
twenty garden fences?

We CRANE DOWN to reveal a line of back gardens. SHAUN steps
forward and peers into the next garden.

SHAUN
What’s the matter David, never
taken a short cut?

SHAUN attempts to vault the fence in a super cool fashion.
However it breaks under his weight, an entire section of
fence FALLING FLAT. SHAUN quickly gets up and beckons the
others to follow. BARBARA dawdles behind in a dazed fashion.

BARBARA
I’m sure Jill and Derek live round
here.


EXT. GARDENS –AFTERNOON

The GANG move commando style, from garden to garden.

DAVID
Of course, in reality, we are
trespassing. Am I right, Lizzy?

LIZ doesn’t answer. She is distracted by evidence of other
lives affected by the crisis...a dog sitting next to a DEAD
BODY...the twitching silhouette of a HANGED MAN...a ZOMBIE IN
PYJAMAS clawing at PATIO DOORS.


EXT. THE FINAL GARDEN –CONTINUOUS

They reach a family garden, complete with outdoor games.

SHAUN
Right...Everyone just stay where
they...hang on, are we all here?

DI does a quick head count.

DIANNE
One, two, three, four, five. Yes.
82.

SHAUN
There’s six of us.

A YELP from next door.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Mum!

SHAUN jumps onto a TRAMPETTE and vaults the fence with
lightning speed...


EXT. PENULTIMATE GARDEN –CONTINUOUS

...and lands to find BARBARA sprawled on the grass. He helps
her to her feet.

SHAUN
Mum, are you okay?

BARBARA
I don’t think Jill & Derek do live
here.

SHAUN looks to the house. The PATIO DOOR is now open...
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The gang attempts to take a shortcut through back gardens to reach the Winchester pub, encountering various zombie-related horrors along the way. They also realize that one member of their group is missing.
Strengths
  • Introduces tension to the scene through the use of commando-style movement and evidence of other lives affected by the crisis
  • Incorporates comedic elements into the horror genre
Weaknesses
  • Not much character development or significant plot developments
Critique The scene effectively sets up the tone of the film and establishes the characters' personalities. The use of humor in the scene makes it engaging for the audience and serves to relieve tension. The action is well choreographed, but the scene could benefit from further development of the characters. The dialogue is witty and moves the plot forward, but there could have been more depth to the interactions between the characters. Furthermore, the use of camera angles and movements is well-crafted, but the pacing of the scene could have been improved with more building of tension. Overall, the scene is well-written and executed, with a good mix of humor and action.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Add more tension and suspense by having the characters encounter more obstacles in their path. For example, they could come across a group of zombies or have to sneak past a prowling undead creature.
- Develop the characters' personalities further by giving them distinct reactions to the situation at hand. For example, Liz could be more horrified by the gruesome discoveries they make in the gardens while David could be more skeptical about their chances of survival.
- Make the dialogue more natural and reflective of each character's unique voice. For example, instead of using stock phrases like "super cool," Shaun could use more specific and idiosyncratic language to reflect his personality.
- Add more visual details to the scene to give it a stronger sense of place. For example, the outdoor games in the final garden could be described in more detail to create a contrast between the normalcy of life before the outbreak and the chaos of the current moment.
- Integrate more humor into the scene to lighten the mood and create a contrast with the horror elements. For example, Shaun's failed attempt to jump the fence could be played up for laughs.



Scene 27 -  Fighting Zombies in the Garden
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THE FINAL GARDEN –CONTINUOUS

LIZ
Shaun, are you okay?

CRASH. SHAUN tumbles through the fence, struggling with the
PYJAMA ZOMBIE.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Oi!

LIZ and DIANNE leap into action. DAVID panics. ED slopes
around for a weapon, but LIZ is already brandishing a KID’S
CHAIR. ED shrugs and backs off.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Break it up!

LIZ whacks the PYJAMA ZOMBIE, breaking the chair over its
head. SHAUN gets to his feet and turns to see DAVID standing
around and ED texting someone. SHAUN can’t believe it.

DIANNE
Shaun!

DIANNE pulls a SWINGBALL out of the ground and throws it to
SHAUN. He looks at it, unsure what to do.
83.

LIZ demonstrates a stabbing move. SHAUN flips up the sharp
end of the SWINGBALL pole and drives it through the PYJAMA
ZOMBIE’s chest, pinning him to a tree. Breathless, he spins
round to DAVID and ED.

SHAUN
Feel free to step in anytime!

ED
You seem to be doing alright.

DAVID
I didn’t want to cramp your style.

Incredulous, SHAUN shakes his head. He walks over to a
child’s slide, by the fence.

SHAUN
Right-

BARBARA
So sorry about that.

SHAUN
-Everyone just stay where they are.
I’ll check if the coast is clear.

SHAUN climbs up...then climbs down.

LIZ
Is it clear?

SHAUN
No.

LIZ
How many?

SHAUN
Lots.

We CRANE UP over the fence to reveal a HUNDRED WALKING DEAD
between them and the pub. The GANG peer through the gaps.

DAVID
Oh well, that’s just great.

DIANNE
There are a fair few of them.

SHAUN stands a little way off, looking despondent.
84.

DAVID
I trust Shaun has another genius
scheme up his sleeve?

LIZ
This is hardly constructive David!

DAVID
No Lizzy, this is a waste of time.
We should have stayed at the flat.

ED
Why didn’t you?

DAVID
Because-

ED
Because what?

DAVID
Because of...Captain Wow!

LIZ
Will you stop it!

DIANNE
We’re not going to get anywhere by
moaning.

PYJAMA ZOMBIE (O.S.)
Uhhhhhh...

All turn to the PYJAMA ZOMBIE. It’s ‘alive’, but stuck on the
SWINGBALL pole, the ball too big for the hole made by the
shaft. It MOANS, frustrated. DIANNE has an idea.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and his group encounter zombies in a garden while attempting to find safety in a pub.
Strengths "The scene has a good blend of horror and comedic elements. The action is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, and the scene doesn't provide much development for the characters."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-structured and moves the plot forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, the action could be more clear and defined. It's difficult to visualize exactly what is happening and who is doing what. For example, it's not clear who initially engages with the Pyjama Zombie. Adding more descriptive action lines and choreography could help to clarify this.

Second, the dialogue could be sharpened. While there are some humorous moments, some of the exchanges feel a bit forced and could benefit from more naturalistic language that reflects each character's unique personality.

Finally, there is potential for more visual storytelling. The scene takes place in a garden, but beyond the Swingball and the child's chair, there are no other indications of the environment. Incorporating more details about the setting could make the scene more vivid and immersive for the reader or viewer.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is engaging and action-packed, but there are a few suggestions to make it even better:

1. Clarify the location: it's unclear what the "final garden" is and how it relates to the rest of the scene. Adding more specific details can help ground the audience in the environment and better understand the characters' actions.

2. Flesh out the character reactions: while the dialogue is witty and fun, there's room to expand on how each character responds to the situation at hand. How are they feeling? What are their goals?

3. Consider pacing: the scene is a bit dialogue-heavy, and a few moments of silence or more focused action could help break it up and increase tension.

4. Build up the stakes: while the reveal of the hundred Walking Dead is impactful, there could be more lead-up to it to make the moment feel more significant.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more specificity and attention to character motivations and reactions.



Scene 28 -  Zombie Acting Lessons
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. FINAL GARDEN –MOMENTS LATER

The GANG stand studying the captive PYJAMA ZOMBIE.

DIANNE
Right, shake out. Get nice and
limber. Have another look at the
way he moves. Remember it’s very
limp. Almost like sleepwalking. And
look at the face, vacant with a
hint of sadness. Like a drunk who’s
lost a bet. And the voice, it’s a
glottal rumble with a neutral ‘A’.
Okay everyone, let’s have a look
shall we?
85.

They all do their zombie impressions. LIZ gives good moan.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
Nice, good vocal work Liz.

BARBARA is glazed over.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
Barbara, that’s excellent.

BARBARA
I’m sorry dear, I was miles away.

DIANNE
Daffs?

DIANNE moves on. DAVID gives a lacklustre performance.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
Oh come on.

DAVID
I feel silly.

DIANNE
Just try to make yourself very
loose.

DAVID tries again. It’s exactly the same.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
It’s mournful, sorrowful, you’re
dead and you hate it.

DAVID tries again. It’s still the same.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
Better. Ed?

ED
I’ll do it on the night.

SHAUN
This is the night.

ED makes a sarcastic ZOMBIE noise. SHAUN tuts.

ED
What about yours?

SHAUN
What?
86.

ED
Well, who died and made you king of
the zombies?

SHAUN flashes him an admonishing look, then proceeds to do a
pretty good ZOMBIE impression. ED has to concede.

ED (CONT’D)
Pretty good.

DIANNE
Okay, now let’s try it
altogether...1, 2, 3-
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The gang practices their zombie impressions on a captive zombie before encountering a zombie attack in a garden.
Strengths "The scene adds humor and characterization to the story while setting up the impending zombie attack."
Weaknesses "The scene does not significantly move the plot forward or have a high emotional impact."
Critique The scene describes the process of the GANG practicing their zombie impressions, and there are a lot of good details in the descriptions. The dialogue is also well-written and believable, with each character having their own voice and personality.

One thing that could be improved is adding more detail to the setting. The scene takes place in a garden, but it's not clear what the surroundings are like or how the characters are physically interacting with the space. This could be conveyed through more specific descriptions of the natural elements or objects in the area.

Additionally, there could be more focus on the objective and stakes of the scene. It's not entirely clear why the characters are practicing their zombie impressions or what the consequences of their performance will be. Adding some more context or stakes to the scene could help make it more impactful and engaging.

Overall, it's a well-written scene with good dialogue and characterization, but could benefit from more setting and a clearer objective.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more action and conflict to the scene. Right now, it feels stagnant and slow. Perhaps, they could discover something new about the Zombie that raises the stakes or creates a new problem. Additionally, some of the dialogue could be shortened or cut to streamline the scene and give more focus on the action. Lastly, consider adding some visual elements to the scene to make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 29 -  Desperate Measures
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE WINCHESTER –EVENING

THE GANG
Uhhhhhh...

All doing their ZOMBIE impersonations, the GANG slowly move
towards the pub. They are surrounded by legions of genuine
ZOMBIES, who seem to be falling for it, despite only SHAUN,
LIZ and DIANNE putting in any effort. DAVID is stiff with
fear, ED isn’t trying and BARBARA is just glazed.

They reach the pub door and surreptitiously bang on it. It’s
locked. The GANG speak in whispers between their fake moans.

SHAUN
Get round me.

The GANG surround SHAUN. He kneels at the letter box.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
John, Bernie, are you there?
(louder)
John! John! Bernie!

Some of the nearby ZOMBIES are faintly suspicious.

SHAUN (CONT’D) DAVID
It’s Shaun and Ed. We come in It’s not working.
all the time.

SHAUN (CONT’D) DAVID
We do the quiz. They can hear you!

SHAUN (CONT’D) DAVID
Y’know, Q.W.A. Quizzers With They know!
Attitude

DIANNE
Stay in character Daffs.
87.

SHAUN
I can’t see them.

More ZOMBIES cotton on to the GANG’s noise. LIZ looks over to
BARBARA who is now rifling around in her handbag.

LIZ
Is everything okay Barbara?

BARBARA
I’m sure I had some more tissues in
here.

LIZ
Shaun, we have to get inside.

DAVID
Break the window.

SHAUN
Don’t be so stupid. We’ll be
totally exposed.

DAVID
We are totally exposed. Break the
window.

LIZ
Is there another way in Shaun?

SHAUN
There's a-

A HALLOWEEN RING TONE. SHAUN glares furiously at ED, almost
daring him to answer it. He does, holding up a hand.

ED
Two seconds...
(into the phone)
Hey E-ball. Can’t talk now. No, I
ain’t got nuffin. No, I’m right in
the middle of something. Yeah,
weird innit?-

SHAUN SMACKS THE MOBILE FROM ED’S HAND. It skitters away.

ED (CONT’D)
What you doing?

SHAUN
What am I doing? What are you doing
you stupid moron?
88.

ED
Fuck off.

SHAUN
No, you fuck off. Fuck-fucking-off!

SHAUN smacks ED hard with each successive ‘fuck’.

LIZ
Shaun-

SHAUN
I’ve spent a lifetime sticking my
neck out for you, you idiot and all
you ever do is fuck things up. Fuck
things up and make me look stupid.
Well, I’m not going to let you do
it. Not today.

ED is for once, speechless. LIZ taps SHAUN on the shoulder.

LIZ
Shaun...

SHAUN turns to see EVERY SINGLE ZOMBIE LOOKING AT THEM.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You were saying about another way
in?

SHAUN
Uh...yeah, there’s a-

CLATTER. DAVID has tipped over the NEARBY BIN, spilling the
contents across the floor. He lifts it above his head.

LIZ SHAUN
WHAT YOU DOING? WHAT YOU DOING?

He launches the bin at the pub window. SMASHES IT WIDE OPEN.

DAVID
Get inside!

SHAUN
No. They’ll follow us!

DAVID
What?

SHAUN
They’ll follow us. Keep up the act.
I’m going to have to do something.
89.

LIZ
What do you mean, “do something”?

SHAUN makes a big decision. He runs over to a picnic table-

SHAUN
Oiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

EVERY SINGLE ZOMBIE turns their attention to SHAUN.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Wait ‘til I’ve gone, then get
inside.

LIZ ED
Gone where? Gone where?

SHAUN (CONT’D)
(looks directly at Ed)
I won't be gone long.
(to LIZ)
Promise.

SHAUN looks at ED who looks back, concerned. A moment of
silent understanding. SHAUN jumps down right into the thick
of the approaching hordes and sprints off, yelling and waving
his arms, drawing all the ZOMBIES away. He disappears out of
sight. The GANG are all shocked by this, particularly ED.

DAVID
Shall we go in then?

As the GANG move toward the pub, BARBARA picks up the bunch
of flowers from the strewn rubbish and looks at the card.

LIZ
Come on Barbara. Leave them.

BARBARA
But they’re for me.

As LIZ helps BARBARA through the window, a single ZOMBIE, the
DEAD IRISH SPINSTER turns to see them disappear inside.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and his gang attempt to find safety at the Winchester pub while being surrounded by zombies. They resort to using zombie impressions to try and blend in, but when they can't gain entry into the pub, they must resort to breaking a window. Shaun sacrifices himself to draw the zombies away and the gang finally enters the pub.
Strengths "The scene is tense and exciting, with a good mix of comedy and horror. Shaun's sacrifice is a poignant moment that raises the stakes even higher."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger and more memorable, and some of the character actions feel a bit contrived for the sake of the plot."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written and engaging scene. The tension builds as the gang tries to sneak into the pub while being surrounded by zombies, with some comedic moments thrown in (such as Barbara searching through her handbag). The dialogue is natural and believable, and each character has their own distinct personality that comes through in their actions and words.

The only real critique I have for this scene is that it could benefit from some more visual description. While the dialogue and action are clear, it would be helpful for the reader to have a bit more information about the setting and the characters' movements and facial expressions. This would help to set the scene and bring the reader more fully into the action.

Additionally, there are a few small punctuation errors and typos throughout the scene that could be easily fixed with proofreading.

Overall, though, this is a strong and well-crafted scene that effectively builds tension and keeps the reader engaged.
Suggestions One suggestion for improvement would be to add more specific descriptions and actions for the characters. This would not only make the scene more visually interesting, but also help differentiate the characters and their personalities. For example, instead of just saying "DAVID is stiff with fear," add some physical actions that show his fear, such as shaking or sweating. Additionally, consider adding more tension and urgency to the scene to keep the audience engaged. Maybe have the ZOMBIES start to catch on to the GANG's fake moans, or have the window break right as the ZOMBIES are about to reach them. Finally, consider adding a bit more dialogue or character interaction to help demonstrate the relationships and dynamics between the characters. This could help make the emotional beats of the scene more impactful.



Scene 30 -  Waiting for Shaun
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. THE WINCHESTER –LATER

CAMERA PANS 360 round the pub lounge. It’s deserted, lit only
by fading shafts of daylight. The curtains have been drawn
over the broken window and billow ominously. We find LIZ and
DIANNE sitting silently with BARBARA staring at the opening.
ED stands forlornly by the fruit machine. DAVID paces.
90.

BARBARA
Will Shaun be gone long?

LIZ
No Barbara.

DAVID
It’s a good twenty minutes since he
went.

ED
Seventeen.

DAVID
Either way we should think about
blocking up the window. We’re
totally exposed.

DIANNE
How will Shaun get back in?

DAVID
I’m sure he’ll knock.

Nobody moves. We can hear DISTANT MOANS outside.

DAVID (CONT’D)
Oh for goodness sakes, let’s at
least get some lights on.

DAVID strides over to some light switches. LIZ leaps up.

LIZ
David, wait-

DAVID goes ahead and flips the switches. Nothing happens.

DAVID
Power’s off.

LIZ
That’s a good thing. We don’t want
to advertise our whereabouts more
than we already have.

DAVID
No of course not-

LIZ
Do we David?

DAVID
No, of course not Lizzy. I’m just
trying to be pro- active.
(MORE)
91.

DAVID (CONT'D)
We have to face some facts here;
the power and phones are off,
there’s no sign of the owners and
there’s a bloody great hole in the
window.

ED
You did that you twat!

DAVID
Someone had to make a decision. I
don’t know if you noticed but we
were in a spot of bother back
there. Somebody needs to take
control of this situation and if no-
one else is prepared to take on
that responsibility, then perhaps I
should.

Nobody speaks. Again we hear the DISTANT MOANS.

BARBARA
Will Shaun be gone long?

LIZ
He’ll be back soon.

DAVID
How can you know that? How do we
know he’s even coming back?

DIANNE
I don’t think he’d leave us Daffs.

DAVID
Wouldn’t he? Lizzy, are you really
going to put your faith in a man
who last night you spectacularly
binned for, among other things,
being unreliable? A man whose idea
of a romantic nightspot and an
impenetrable fortress are the same
thing. A pub. We are in a pub. What
the hell are we going to do?

ED
I could get a round in.

BARBARA
Will Shaun be gone long?
92.

LIZ
Look, let’s just keep quiet and
wait for Shaun. We can barricade
the window when he gets back.

DAVID
Ok, then what? I mean how long are
we going to be here? Hours? Weeks?
What about food? What are we going
to eat?

DIANNE
Toasties?

ED
Yeah, there’s a Breville out back.

DAVID
Phew, that’s okay then. Oh wait,
there’s no power!

ED
Shut up, we got plenty of bar
snacks.

DAVID
Well as long as we’ve got nibbles,
we’re saved. That must be why Shaun
dragged us here. Dragged us here
and buggered off.

LIZ
He’s coming back.

DAVID
Why, because he promised? Even if
he does come back, do you really
think his master plan will extend
to anything more than sitting in
the dark eating peanuts? He’s gonna
stroll on in and make everything
okay is he? He’s-

LIZ
I DON’T KNOW DAVID! I don’t know
anymore than you do. What I do know
is that we’re here now and we have
to make the best of it.
(takes a breath)
Ed, get me adouble vodka.

ED
Right you are.
93.

DIANNE
I’ll have one too actually. Would
you like a drink Barbara?

BARBARA
Hello.

DAVID
Yeah, fuck it. Let’s all get
bladdered shall we? Great idea. Why
don’t we have some nibbles while
we’re at it?

DAVID flounces behind the bar and rifles through boxes of
snacks, before petulantly throwing them out into the lounge.

DAVID (CONT’D)
We’ve got Mini Chedders....

LIZ
David-

DAVID
We’ve got Twiglets...

DIANNE
Daffs-

DAVID
...we’ve got ‘Hog Lumps’...

A HAND SNATCHES THEM FROM MID-AIR! A perfect catch.

BARBARA
Pickle?

SHAUN
Hello Mum.

SHAUN IS BACK. Striding in from behind the bar. There’s shock
and delight from all but DAVID. SHAUN strolls over to LIZ.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Everything okay?

SHAUN pops a Pork Scratching into his mouth.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Any sign of John and Bernie?

DIANNE
We haven’t seen them.
94.

SHAUN
Did you check upstairs?

SHAUN goes to the back corridor and tries a door marked
‘PRIVATE’. He forces it a little. It won’t open.

DIANNE
I think it’s locked.

SHAUN
What’s the phone situation?

DIANNE
Dead. Same as the power.

SHAUN nods and takes stock. He offers LIZ the Scratchings.

LIZ
Nice of you to join us.

SHAUN
Promised didn’t I?

DAVID steps in.

DAVID
How did you lose them?

SHAUN
I just gave them the slip. It
wasn’t too difficult. They’re not
all that.

SHAUN casually leans back against the bar.

DAVID
So you haven’t been bitten then?

SHAUN
Do I look like I’ve been bitten?

DAVID eyes SHAUN’s bloodstained shirt, suspiciously.

DAVID
Yes.

SHAUN
(indicating stains)
Look, this is all from earlier and
this is from Philip.

DAVID
And what’s that?
95.

SHAUN
Pen.

DAVID
And how did you get in?

SHAUN
There is a back door. Through the
yard. I tried to tell you before
you went and smashed the window.

DAVID
What stopped you?

SHAUN
You went and smashed the window.

DAVID
I wasn’t the one blowing our cover
by having a tiff with my boyfriend.

SHAUN
He’s not my boyfriend.

A freshly pulled pint slides down the bar into SHAUN’s hand.

ED
Might be a bit warm. Cooler’s off.

SHAUN
Thanks babe.

SHAUN takes a long swig. Everyone looks at him expectantly.

LIZ
So what’s the plan then?

TIME CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The group waits anxiously for Shaun's return to the Winchester pub, which is now surrounded by zombies. David becomes increasingly frustrated and lashes out at the others, while Liz tries to keep everyone calm. Shaun finally returns and the group discusses their next steps.
Strengths "The tension and suspense are well-maintained, and there are some strong character moments, particularly for Liz and Shaun."
Weaknesses "David's outburst feels a bit forced, and some of the humor falls flat."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between the characters feels natural and reveals their personalities and relationships. The situation of being trapped in a pub during a zombie apocalypse is unique and provides tension and suspense. The use of sound, such as the distant moans, helps to build the atmosphere.

One potential area for improvement is the pacing of the scene. It starts off slowly with the characters waiting for Shaun to return, which can make the audience feel restless. Additionally, some of the dialogue, particularly David's rant about nibbles, feels slightly repetitive and could be condensed.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the situation and the characters' relationships, but could benefit from a slight tightening of the pacing and dialogue.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Add more action: Currently, the scene is mostly dialogue with little action. Add some physical action to give the scene more energy and tension. For example, the characters could be fortifying the pub with furniture, or trying to repair the broken window.

2. Show don't tell: Instead of having the characters talk about what they need to do, show them doing it. For example, instead of David talking about blocking up the window, have him actually start to do it.

3. Raise the stakes: The characters seem too relaxed given the circumstances. The scene needs more tension, urgency, and danger. Have the zombies get closer, or have the characters discover a new threat.

4. Use the environment: The pub setting could be used to add some visual interest and tension. For example, the characters could be trying to find weapons among the pub memorabilia, or the zombies could be breaking in through the old pub cellar.

5. Develop the characters: Currently, the characters' dialogue is mostly functional, without revealing much about their personalities or motivations. Try to make their dialogue more character-specific. For example, have Liz express her frustration with Shaun's unreliability, or show how David's need for control is causing friction.



Scene 31 -  Lights Out
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. THE WINCHESTER –EVENING

SHAUN
Anybody want a peanut?

The GANG sit in the dark, in their OPENING SCENE positions at
their usual table, BARBARA is huddled nearby. Empty glasses
and mountain of empty snack packets on the table. Chairs and
tables are stacked against the doors and windows. The general
mood has soured. DAVID looks at SHAUN smugly.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
How about another drink?
96.

Nobody does. SHAUN looks to the pool table.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
How about pool?

Again, no response.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Probably a bit noisy...with
the...uh ball release...

SHAUN fiddles with his beermat.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed, why don’t you do your ‘Clyde’?

ED
Nah.

SHAUN
(to the others)
Have you ever seen ‘Every Which Way
But Loose’? Ed does the most
amazing impression.

ED
No it’s not.

SHAUN
Yes it is. Come on, do it.

ED
No.

SHAUN
But it’s brilliant.

ED
You’ve built it up too much, now.

SHAUN
Go on, it’s funny.

DIANNE
Yes c’mon Ed let’s see it.

SHAUN
Yeah, come on.

ED
I’m not a performing monkey.

BARBARA leans forward and reads ED’s t-shirt.
97.

BARBARA
“I got wood”.

No-one speaks. A STREET LIGHT flicks on outside. SHAUN looks
out.

SHAUN
The power’s on.

DAVID
It’s not, I’ve already tried it.

SHAUN
But the grid isn’t out. It’s the
fuses. I’ll just switch ‘em back
on.

LIZ
What about the lights?

DAVID
Yes, we don’t really want to
advertise our whereabouts more than
we already have. We may as well put
a sign outside saying ‘All You Can
Eat’.

DIANNE
I think there is one.

ED
Yeah, they do a buffet on Sundays.

SHAUN
The lights operate on a separate
circuit, I’ll just flip the mains
breakers so we can get the telly
on. It’s quite simple David.

SHAUN flashes LIZ a confident smile and heads off.


INT. BACK CORRIDOR –CONTINUOUS

SHAUN walks into the dim back corridor, past the door marked
‘PRIVATE’. We linger on the DOOR HANDLE for a moment...

SHAUN finds the fuse box by the back door, the window of
which looks out into BLACKNESS. He flips the switches.

LIZ (O.S.)
That’s it!
98.

Curious, SHAUN peers out into the dark. He finds the relevant
switch and flips on the garden light.

ZOMBIES...LOTS OF THEM. SHAUN snaps off the light and yanks
down the door blind in a moment of panicked denial. He rushes
back to the bar, past the door marked ‘PRIVATE’.

Unseen by SHAUN, the DOOR HANDLE now TWITCHES...
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary Shaun flips the fuses to turn the power back on at The Winchester, hoping to get the group's spirits up. However, when he looks out the window, he sees a horde of zombies lurking in the garden. Panicking, they all try to hide and keep the lights off to avoid being seen.
Strengths "The tension and anxiety of the group is palpable, adding to the suspenseful atmosphere. The humor is well-balanced with the horror elements, making it an engaging watch."
Weaknesses "There isn't much character development happening in this scene."
Critique Overall, this scene appears to be well-written and effectively conveys the tense and somber atmosphere in the bar. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue could be more concise and punchy. Some of the lines feel like filler and don't add much to the scene. For example, the back-and-forth about doing impressions could be shortened to just a few lines, or replaced with more meaningful dialogue that reveals character or moves the plot forward.

Secondly, the action and blocking could be clearer. It's not entirely clear what the characters are doing or where they're situated in the space. For example, it's unclear whether Shaun is walking away from the table when he suggests playing pool, or if he's gesturing towards the pool table from where he's sitting.

Lastly, the final beat with the door handle twitching feels a bit cliched and predictable. It might be more effective to end the scene on a more unexpected note, such as with a character saying something cryptic or with a sudden noise outside.

Overall, however, this scene effectively sets the tone and establishes the characters in a tense and foreboding situation.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene needs to have a clear purpose or objective. It seems like the gang is just sitting around and being unproductive. The scene could be improved by having a clear goal, such as trying to figure out a plan for survival or discussing their next move.

Secondly, the dialogue can be tightened up by removing unnecessary lines and exchanges. For example, the conversation about the "Clyde" impression could be cut down or removed entirely. This will help the scene move along more quickly and keep the audience engaged.

Additionally, there could be more tension added to the scene by showing some zombie activity outside the Winchester, such as a zombie stumbling by or a distant scream. This will remind the audience of the danger that the characters are in and keep them on edge.

Finally, the scene could benefit from some visual cues or actions to break up the dialogue and make it more visually interesting. This could include having the characters do something physical, like stacking chairs to reinforce the barricades, or having the camera focus on small details in the environment, like the accumulation of empty glasses and snack packets.



Scene 32 -  Invasion at the Winchester Pub
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BAR –CONTINUOUS

SHAUN returns to the bar, slamming the back door behind him.

DIANNE stood on a bar stool, flipping through the channels on
the wall-mounted television. We see the message-

‘STANDBY FOR FURTHER INFORMATION’

-displayed on every single channel. Only the fonts differ,
The BBC, very austere, MTV, very funky etc. Everyone stares
at the TV with growing concern. ED sidles up to LIZ.

ED
Liz, you got a quid?

LIZ
Um...yeah.

LIZ gives ED a pound. He thanks with a smile. She smiles
back. ED goes off. SHAUN returns. She nods to the TV.

LIZ (CONT’D)
There’s never anything on is there?

SHAUN says nothing. He looks ashen faced and guilty.

LIZ (CONT’D)
What?

SHAUN glances to the back door.

SHAUN
We got a bit of a problem.

LIZ
What do you mean?

SHAUN
They followed me.

LIZ
I thought you said you gave them
the slip?
99.

SHAUN
...Yeah.

LIZ
Do they know we’re in here?

SHAUN
I don’t know.

LIZ
Well, we’ll just have to be extra
quiet won’t we?

SHAUN nods again, comforted...as LIZ goes ashen faced.

SHAUN
What?

LIZ turns to see ED pop the quid into the FRUIT MACHINE.

LIZ
Ed, No!

SHAUN
Ed, no!

Too late. ED hits a button...and hits the JACKPOT. There is a
cacophony of BELLS, BUZZERS and SPOOKY NOISES.

LIZ
Turn it off!

SHAUN
Turn it off!

SHAUN dives to the floor and flips the switch. SILENCE.

Then from outside-

TAP...TAP...TAP...Everyone looks to each other gravely. TAPS
become THUMPS. GROANS become audible. Noise builds.

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! The GANG draw together and listen. LIZ
puts a hand on SHAUN’s shoulder...ED puts a hand on BARBARA’s
shoulder...DAVID puts a hand on DI’s shoulder...JOHN THE
LANDLORD puts a hand on DAVID’s shoulder!

DAVID
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Everyone scatters as ZOMBIE JOHN LURCHES TOWARD THEM.

LIZ
Where the hell did he come from?
100.

SHAUN
I don’t know but-

FREDDY MERCURY (O.S.)
‘Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a
real good time, I feel ali-i-i-ive’

“Don’t Stop Me Now” by QUEEN starts up on the JUKEBOX.

SHAUN
Who the hell put this on?

ED
It’s on random!

LIZ
Oh for fuck’s sake.

The THUMPING builds. JOHN advances. SHAUN acts.

SHAUN
Right, Dianne, stay with Mum!

DIANNE runs to move BARBARA out of the way.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
David, kill the Queen!

DAVID
What?

SHAUN
The jukebox!

DAVID looks madly around the base of the JUKEBOX.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Liz, Ed, grab something weapony.

SHAUN looks around for blunt objects. ED points to the bar.

ED
What about the rifle?

SHAUN
It’s not real!

ED
How about some cocktails?

LIZ
What do you mean?
101.

ED
The flaming spirits. Drambuie,
Sambuca, Brandy. Get a rag in.
Light it. Woof!

SHAUN
I dunno, the whole place could go
up.

ED
What then?

ZOMBIE JOHN IS UPON THEM. SHAUN knocks into the pool table.

SHAUN
How about pool?

Agreed. SHAUN vaults over the table, grabs THREE CUES and
throws one to LIZ and ED. They tense up, ready for action.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Okay John. Time at the bar.

FREDDY MERCURY (O.S.)
‘Having a good time, having a good
time’.

As ‘QUEEN’ kick off, the trio launch into action, whacking
ZOMBIE JOHN with their cues (This is choreographed in such a
way that the action corresponds with the song’s lyrics).

DAVID, meanwhile, is having no luck with the jukebox.

DAVID
I can’t find the switch!

SHAUN
Get the fuses!

DAVID runs off to the-
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and his gang hide from a zombie invasion at the Winchester pub. They try to blend in by using zombie impressions, but they must resort to breaking a window to get inside. Shaun sacrifices himself to draw the zombies away before returning to the pub. After flipping the fuses to turn the power back on, they see a horde of zombies lurking in the garden, forcing them to hide in the dark.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and stakes while incorporating comedic moments, such as the jukebox playing 'Don't Stop Me Now' during a zombie attack. The use of choreography and song lyrics during the fight scene is a unique touch."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue can feel forced and unnatural, particularly during the discussion about weapon options. The character motivations could also be more clearly established."
Critique The scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension building up in the bar as the characters face the threat of a zombie attack. The use of the TV messages and the varying fonts on each channel is a clever touch that adds to the sense of unease. The dialogue is naturalistic and helps to build characterisation, particularly in the interaction between Liz and Ed. The use of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen on the jukebox is a smart reference to the earlier scene in the film and adds to the comedic tone. The choreographed fight sequence with the pool cues is a playful and visually engaging moment that shows off the characters' resourcefulness in the face of danger. Overall, the scene is well-crafted and effective in building tension and humour.
Suggestions electricity box as the trio continue to fight off Zombie John with the cues.

Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively builds tension. However, there are a few suggestions to make it even stronger:

1. There could be more physical description of the characters and their movements during the fight scene. This would make it easier for the reader to visualize and follow along with the action.

2. Consider adding more visual or auditory cues to underscore the growing danger of the situation. For example, instead of just having the characters hear thumps and groans outside, perhaps there could be a visual of zombie hands banging against the bar's windows.

3. When the characters are looking for weapons, there could be a moment of decision-making or uncertainty about what to use. This would add extra tension to the scene and make it more engaging.

4. It might also be helpful to clarify who each character is during the fight scene, especially if they are not directly involved in the action. This would give a better sense of the dynamics within the group and their individual roles in the fight.

Overall, the scene has a lot of potential to be an exciting and memorable moment in the film. With a few tweaks, it could be even more effective at immersing the audience in the action and building tension.



Scene 33 -  Zombie Attack at the Winchester Pub
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. BACK CORRIDOR –CONTINUOUS

DAVID sees the fuse box. Panicked, he hits everything.


EXT. PUB –CONTINUOUS

The pub lights FLASH, illuminating A SEA OF ZOMBIES.
102.

INT. BAR –CONTINUOUS

SHAUN, LIZ and ED subject ZOMBIE JOHN to a volley of blows.
He catches ED’S CUE and BREAKS IT IN HALF.


INT. CORRIDOR –CONTINUOUS

DAVID desperately flicks more switches. The back yard light
comes on, throwing ZOMBIE SHADOWS onto the blind. DAVID
freaks out and backs away, moving past the door marked
‘PRIVATE’ which is now slowly opening to reveal ZOMBIE
BERNIE. In her slippers. DAVID yelps and retreats into-


INT. BAR –CONTINUOUS

DAVID slams the corridor door and barricades it with chairs.

SHAUN
Why is Queen still on?

DAVID
I couldn’t find the switch!

ZOMBIE JOHN rounds on LIZ, pushing her backwards over a
table. ED gives up his broken cue and runs off.

SHAUN
Ed!

ED (O.S.)
Two seconds!

LIZ (O.S)
Shaun!

LIZ gets back up, brandishing A FIRE EXTINGUISHER. She lets
it off in ZOMBIE JOHN’s face. When the gas clears, ZOMBIE
JOHN’s face is iced with frost...but he keeps coming.

DIANNE (O.S.)
Shaun!

SHAUN turns. DIANNE plucks THREE DARTS from the dartboard.
She flings the first...IT WEDGES INTO A BAR POST.

The second dart...HITS JOHN IN THE CHEST.

SHAUN
Yes!

The third...HITS SHAUN! He yelps in agony.
103.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
No!

ED (O.S.)
Shauny!

SHAUN looks up. A DART PROTRUDING PAINFULLY FROM HIS HEAD!

ED is behind the bar, the RIFLE in his hands. He throws it
through the air. Despite the pain, SHAUN catches it. He looks
at the rifle in frustration, then with one ALMIGHTY BLOW OF
THE BUTT, sends JOHN’s head backwards into the JUKEBOX.

SPARKS fly. QUEEN stops. JOHN drops...

ED (CONT’D)
Why didn’t you shoot him man?

SHAUN rounds on ED with the rifle.

SHAUN
Because it’s-

BANG. The RIFLE goes off. SHAUN is THROWN BACKWARDS. OPTICS
SHATTER behind ED. His jaw drops...with joy.

ED
I fucking knew it! What did I say?
Big Al was right!

SHAUN gets up, looks at the SMOKING RIFLE, then at ED.

SHAUN
Okay...
(plucks dart from skull)
...but dogs can look up.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and his gang hide from a zombie invasion at the Winchester pub. They try to blend in by using zombie impressions, but they must resort to breaking a window to get inside. Shaun sacrifices himself to draw the zombies away before returning to the pub. After flipping the fuses to turn the power back on, they see a horde of zombies lurking in the garden, forcing them to hide in the dark.
Strengths "The scene effectively ramps up the tension and conflict, while also maintaining a humorous tone. The use of various weapons and tactics keeps the action exciting and engaging. The characters' distinct personalities and relationships add depth and interest to the scene."
Weaknesses "While the action is entertaining, the scene does not necessarily add anything particularly new or surprising to the story. Additionally, some of the dialogue and humor could be seen as juvenile at times."
Critique Overall, the action and pace of the scene are clear and engaging. The descriptions of the zombie attacks and the characters' reactions are vivid. However, it may be helpful to add more detail about the setting and the characters' physical movements to enhance the visuals. In addition, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth and individual character voices to make each character more distinct and memorable.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and action-packed. However, here are some suggestions to tighten up the scene:

- Add more description to the characters' actions and movements. This will help the reader visualize the scene more clearly and make it easier to follow.
- Try to avoid using too many capital letters for emphasis. Instead, use descriptive language and punctuation to convey the tone and intensity of the scene.
- Consider shortening some of the dialogue exchanges to make the scene flow more smoothly and increase the tension.
- Make sure the characters' actions and motivations are clear and consistent throughout the scene. For example, it's not clear why David is hitting everything in the fuse box or why Ed gives up his broken cue and runs off. Clarifying these details will help make the scene more believable and engaging.



Scene 34 -  The Winchester Standoff
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. THE WINCHESTER –MOMENTS LATER

DRAWS and CUPBOARDS are opened...SHELVES cleared...A BOX OF
SHELLS is discovered...

SHAUN has his work tie wrapped round his head. The rifle lies
on the bar. The THUMPING from outside is louder than ever.

SHAUN
Anyone fired a gun before?

ED
Oh yes.

SHAUN
Apart from Ed.
104.

DAVID
I’m a pacifist.

SHAUN
Apart from David and Ed.

DIANNE
(putting her hand up)
I have.

SHAUN
Good. Where?

DIANNE
In a production of ‘Lear’. All the
military were played by women...it
was a starter pistol.

SHAUN
It’s not really a serious
qualification.

DIANNE
We took it to the Edinburgh
Festival.

LIZ
Sorry, what’s Ed’s experience?

SHAUN
He shot his sister in the leg with
an air rifle.

LIZ
Why?

ED
She asked me to.

LIZ
(to Shaun)
I think you should do it.

SHAUN
I think we should all do it.

DAVID
How can five people operate one
gun?

SHAUN
Look, none of us have any real
experience, okay, and we’ve only
got-
105.

ED glances into the BOX OF SHELLS and shakes them.

ED
Twenty nine.

SHAUN
-twenty nine bullets-

ED
Call them shells.

SHAUN
-twenty nine shells, so we should
work together on this. I need
someone to help me reload and
everyone else to keep look out.
I’ll fire. As Bertrand Russell once
said, “the only thing that will
redeem mankind is cooperation”. I
think we can all appreciate the
relevance of that now.

LIZ
Did you get that off the back of a
beer mat?

SHAUN
Guinness, Extra Cold.

LIZ
I won’t say anything.

CRASH! The barricade of tables by the broken window SHUDDERS.

DIANNE
They definitely want to come in.

SHAUN
Liz, can you get Mum out of the
way? Ed, get me some shells. David,
Di, over here.

DIANNE
(running past the gun
barrel)
Crossing.

LIZ goes over to BARBARA, who still clutches the flowers and
leads her off. BARBARA focuses on LIZ and smiles.

LIZ
Barbara?
106.

BARBARA
Hello.

LIZ
Do you want to come with me?

BARBARA
Oh yes, that would be lovely. It’s
nice to meet you finally. Shaun’s
always talking about you.

LIZ
Really?

BARBARA
I’ve got something for you.

LIZ
Barbara, I really ought to-

BARBARA produces an ornate ring on a chain around her neck.

BARBARA
Shaun’s father gave me this.
Shaun’s real father that is. Philip
never minded. I’ve kept it for
twenty years.

LIZ smiles, unsure how to react.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
I want you to have it.

LIZ
Barbara, me and Shaun have-

BARBARA
It’s only right.

BARBARA pushes the ring into LIZ’s hand and winces. LIZ looks
down, a tissue protruding from BARBARA’s sleeve suddenly
blushes dark red. LIZ pushes the sleeve up. Beneath the wad
of blood soaked tissues, is a LARGE BITE.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
I didn’t want to say anything. I
thought Shaun would be worried.

SHAUN looks over to BARBARA and LIZ. Something is wrong.

SHAUN
Liz?
107.

DAVID
Here they come!

CRASH. The barricade of chairs and tables topples. Hands push
at the curtains. SHAUN has no choice, but to fight.

SHAUN
Get behind me, get behind me.

DIANNE
There’s one!

DI points. A DEAD FACE peers into the bar. SHAUN takes aim.

SHAUN
Sorry, we’re closed!

CLICK. Nothing. Everyone looks at the rifle. SHAUN shakes it.

DIANNE
That happened to me on stage.

DAVID
Is it the safety button?

ED
(frustrated)
Cock it!

SHAUN looks from ED to the rifle. He cocks it and fires BANG!
BANG! BANG! The ZOMBIE falls back pulling the curtains with
it.

CRASH. The window in the right hand door goes. ZOMBIES CLAW
TO GET IN. Dianne sees them first.

DIANNE
Over there!

SHAUN
Over where?

BANG!

ED
Three o’clock!

The team SPIN AROUND as a unit. SHAUN fires, though his aim
is erratic. Another ZOMBIE clambers in at the first breach.

BANG! BANG!
108.

DIANNE
Ooh, over there...uh...quarter to
twelve!

SHAUN
What?

BANG!

DAVID
11:45!

SHAUN
Keep it simple!

BANG! SHAUN manages to take out the door ZOMBIES.

ED
Top left.

They all swing to the left. SHAUN pulls the trigger. CLICK.

ED (CONT’D)
Reload.

ED feeds SHAUN two shells.

SHAUN
I’m on it!

SHAUN cocks and fires, HITTING A ZOMBIE IN THE HEAD. BANG!

ED
Ooh nice shot.

SHAUN
Thanks. Let’s block up the window.

DAVID and DI run to fix the fallen barricade.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Take over a minute.

SHAUN hands the rifle to ED and runs to BARBARA and LIZ.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
What’s up? Are you alright?

LIZ
Shaun, I’m so sorry.
Genres: ["horror","comedy","action"]

Summary Shaun and his gang defend the Winchester pub from a zombie invasion, while also dealing with personal issues and a dwindling ammunition supply.
Strengths "Compelling action and tension, skillful blend of horror and comedy"
Weaknesses "Some predictable character behavior and plot points"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. It sets up a tense and suspenseful situation, with the characters under attack from zombies and having to work together to defend themselves. The dialogue is natural and witty, with some humorous moments that relieve the tension.

One potential issue with the scene is that some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose or exposition-heavy. For example, the conversation about who has experience with guns feels a bit contrived and doesn't flow naturally. Additionally, some of the lines, such as Shaun's quote about cooperation, feel a bit forced and overly clever.

Another area for improvement is in the action descriptions. While the dialogue is well-written, the action descriptions could use more detail and specificity to fully capture the tense and chaotic nature of the situation. For example, the description of the zombies breaking in could benefit from more sensory details, such as the sounds of banging and scratching, or the smell of decay.

Overall, though, this scene effectively builds suspense and character development, while balancing humor and action. With some minor tweaks to the dialogue and action descriptions, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions The scene could be improved by adding more tension and urgency. One way to do this would be to have the zombies break in faster or to have them be more relentless. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of the exchange about Bertrand Russell's quote, there could be a quicker discussion about the plan for using the gun. The characters' reactions to the situation could also be heightened to increase the tension, such as showing them becoming more panicked or scared as the zombies close in. Finally, there could be more physical action in the scene, such as characters fighting off zombies or improvising new barricades.



Scene 35 -  The Barbara Situation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
LIZ says nothing, she looks at BARBARA.
109.

SHAUN
Mum, what is it?

BARBARA
I didn’t want to be a bother.

SHAUN sees the blood.

SHAUN
Oh God, Mum, I don’t understand-

BARBARA
The man in his pyjamas...I didn’t
want to say anything. I thought
you’d be upset.

SHAUN
No...

ED sees SHAUN hug BARBARA. He hands the rifle to DIANNE.

ED
Take over a sec.

ED runs to the back of the room. DAVID peers after him.

DAVID
What the hell’s going on?
(shouting to the others)
WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?

LIZ
Barbara’s hurt.

DIANNE
I know first aid!

DAVID
I know first aid!

DIANNE
Take over a mo.

DIANNE hands the rifle to DAVID and rushes over. She arrives
to see BARBARA lying feverish in SHAUN’s arms. ED stands
around, unsure what to do. LIZ comforts SHAUN. DAVID sees her
hand on his shoulder and looks down to his rifle.

BARBARA
Shaun...

SHAUN
Hold on Mum. You’re going to be
fine.
110.

BARBARA
Shaun, I forgot to thank you.

SHAUN
For what?

BARBARA shows SHAUN the flowers. He is baffled for a moment.

BARBARA
It’s been a funny sort of day...

BARBARA starts to convulse.

SHAUN
Oh Jesus Mum. No, no, no...

BARBARA’s breathing slows. SHAUN buries his face in her hair-
CLICK-CLICK.

All turn to see DAVID POINTING THE RIFLE AT BARBARA.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
What are you doing?

DAVID
We have to deal with her.

DIANNE
Daffs!

LIZ
For Christ’s sake.

DAVID
She’s going to come back.

SHAUN
She’s not gone anywhere.

DAVID
She’s gonna change.

SHAUN
She’s my Mum.

DAVID
She’s a zombie.

SHAUN positions himself between BARBARA and the rifle.

SHAUN
Don’t say that!
111.

LIZ
David, stop it.

DAVID
Move away. I’m going to count to-

SHAUN leaps up, GRABS A BOTTLE FROM THE TABLE AND SMASHES IT.
He holds the broken bottle to DAVID’s throat.

SHAUN
DON’T POINT THAT GUN AT MY MUM!

LIZ
Shaun, come on now.

ED pulls a DART from the bar and aims it at DAVID’s neck.

ED
DON’T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!

LIZ
Ed, don’t exacerbate things.

ED
What does that mean?

DIANNE
Well, this isn’t exactly fair.

ED
Here.

ED flips a POOL CUE from the floor and hands it to DIANNE.
She raises the CUE above ED’s head.

DIANNE
Um, thank you.

ED smashes ANOTHER BOTTLE and holds it to DIANNE’s throat.

ED
S’okay.

LIZ steps in, hands raised, affecting calm.

LIZ
Can we just stop and think about
this?

SHAUN
Tell him to put the gun down.
112.

DAVID
Tell him to take the bottle away
from my throat.

ED
Oh grow up!

DAVID
She’s going to change Lizzy. She’ll
change and kill us all. You know
I’m right. Your ex can’t seem to
grasp that.

SHAUN
That’s what this is, isn’t it? It’s
me.
(to Liz)
He just doesn’t like me. He never
has. He’s always hated me and now
he wants to shoot my Mum.

DAVID
She’s not-

SHAUN
You’ve always looked down your nose
at me. You never thought I deserved
her. That I was good enough.

DAVID
What are you talking about?

SHAUN
Oh, we all know you’re in love with
Liz.

DAVID
That is not true.

SHAUN
Oh yes it is!

DAVID
(to Dianne)
It’s not true!

DIANNE
Yes it is.

DAVID
What?!
113.

DIANNE
I know you only hung out with me at
college to get close to Liz and
when she knocked you back, I was
there to pick up the pieces. I’ve
come to terms with that Daffs. Why
can’t you?

DAVID flushes red and stammers to LIZ.

DAVID
Liz, I want you to know that my
feelings for you are essentially-

LIZ
(incredulous)
David, please! There are slightly
more pressing matters at hand here.

SHAUN
Yeah, like the fact that ‘Daffs’
here is pointing a gun at my
mother.

DAVID
I’m not the one being unreasonable
‘Pickle’.

SHAUN
For Christ’s sake, she’s not dead.

DAVID
You said it yourself about your
stepdad.

SHAUN
Dad!

DAVID
She’s finished. Stop being such a
hypocrite!

SHAUN
You’re the one who’s gone from
Chartered Accountant to Charlton
Heston!

DAVID
I’m not a Chartered Accountant!

SHAUN
You look like one!
114.

ED
Yeah.

DAVID
I’m a lecturer!

SHAUN
You’re a twat!

ED
Yeah.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun and his group deal with the sudden illness of Barbara, Shaun's mother, which sparks a heated argument about what to do if she turns into a zombie.
Strengths "The scene effectively raises the stakes and deepens the conflict between the characters. The dialogue is tense and well-written."
Weaknesses "The scene might be a bit confusing if the audience is not familiar with the preceding events. Additionally, the sudden revelation of David's feelings for Liz might feel somewhat forced."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively builds tension between the characters. The conflict between David and Shaun is established and heightened through their argument regarding Barbara, Shaun's mother. The use of weapons adds to the tension and creates a sense of danger for the characters. However, it could benefit from some further development of the characters' motivations and emotions during this tense situation. Specifically, more attention could be given to the characters' internal struggles with the possibility of Barbara turning into a zombie and the emotions that come with that realization. Additionally, the dialogue could be polished further to capture the unique voices of each character and make their arguments and responses more distinct.
Suggestions To improve this scene, it could benefit from trimming down some of the excess dialogue and focusing on the tension between characters. The characters should be more emotionally charged and reactive to the situation at hand, rather than arguing about past grievances. Additionally, more action and physicality could be added to increase the tension and stakes of the scene. For example, the exchange between Shaun and David could be condensed into a more dynamic confrontation, with the broken bottle at David's throat being the primary focus. Overall, the scene could use more focus on the urgency and danger of the situation rather than characters arguing.



Scene 36 -  Betrayal at the Winchester
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
DAVID
She’s not your Mum anymore! Any
second now she’ll be just another
zombie.

SHAUN
DON’T SAY THAT!

ED
We’re not using the ‘Z’ word.

LIZ
PLEASE! CAN WE CALM-THE-FUCK-DOWN!

The shouting excites the ZOMBIES clamouring to get in.

LIZ (CONT’D)
Now, I can see what David is trying
to say...

DAVID
Thank you Lizzy.

LIZ
...even if he is being a twat.

DIANNE
Yup.

DAVID fizzes with indignation.

LIZ
And Shaun...Shaun look at me...I
can’t begin to imagine how hard
this must be for you, but we can’t
afford to fall apart. Shaun...babe,
I know you don’t want to hear this
but...

BARBARA (O.S.)
Uhhhhhh...
115.

BARBARA is standing upright, behind DAVID. Everyone stops at
the sound of her mournful whine. Her eyes are a milky white,
skin a lifeless grey, face twisted, almost pleading. SHAUN
takes the rifle from DAVID and points it at her. His hands
shake, his eyes fill with tears. His finger tenses.

DAVID
You do it! Do it!

BARBARA looks at DAVID, her expression twists into a scowl.
ZOMBIE BARBARA hisses and LUNGES FORWARD.

SHAUN
I’m sorry Mum.

BANG.

DAVID is flecked with blood. ZOMBIE BARBARA drops.

TOTAL SHOCK. SHAUN lets the rifle fall to the floor. Everyone
is speechless. DAVID takes off his glasses to clean them.

DAVID
Well, I think we’re all agreed that
you did the right thing there.

DAVID replaces his glasses. CRACK! SHAUN punches him hard in
the face, sending him sprawling. DAVID rolls over, he now has
the rifle in his hands, HE POINTS IT AT SHAUN.

LIZ
No!

DIANNE
(disgusted)
David!

CLICK...the rifle is empty. DAVID looks desperate and
ashamed. Everyone else is appalled. SHAUN hasn’t flinched.

DAVID
Right, I’m leaving.

LIZ
What?

DAVID
Not staying here.

DAVID walks to the BOLTED FRONT DOOR and starts to move the
tables and chairs away. The NOISE outside RISES.
116.

LIZ
If you open that door, we won’t
stand a chance.

DAVID
What, and you will in here?

DAVID begins UNLOCKING THE DEADBOLTS to the front door.

LIZ
David don’t. It’s suicide!

ED
I think you should go man.

DAVID
We will. We can run.
(picks up a broken pool
cue)
We can defend ourselves.

DIANNE
What do you mean ‘we’?

DAVID
What do you mean, ‘what do you mean
we’?

DIANNE
You don’t honestly think I’m going
to go out there do you? Opening
that door now would be a very, very
silly thing to do.

DAVID
So, you’re staying here? With him?

DIANNE
Shaun didn’t-

DAVID
After all he’s got us into!

DIANNE
(holding up her finger)
Ah-ah. Shaun didn’t ask you-

DAVID
Dianne, how-

DIANNE
(explodes)
LET ME FINISH!
(David shrinks back)
(MORE)
117.

DIANNE (CONT'D)
Shaun didn’t ask you to come here.
You came for the same reason I did.
You didn’t know what else to do.
Now, get away from that door this
instant.

DAVID
But-

DIANNE
DAVID!

DAVID crumples, the pool cue dropping from his hand. He steps
away from the door and slumps against the window in tears.

DAVID
I’m sorry Dianne. I’m sorry Lizzy.

DIANNE
Maybe we’re not the ones you should
be apologising to.

DAVID turns to SHAUN, his face quivering with guilt.

DAVID
I’m sorry Shaun.

SHAUN nods. Silently accepting the apology.

DIANNE
Well done Daffs. That took guts-

SMASH! DEAD HANDS BREAK THROUGH THE WINDOW! DAVID is pulled
back as ZOMBIES BITE DOWN ON HIS BODY. He screams in pain.

SHAUN, LIZ and DI try desperately to pull DAVID back, as he
is dragged outside and TORN TO PIECES.

They attempt to keep hold, but fall backwards, to find
themselves clutching David’s SEVERED LOWER LEG. The screaming
remainder of DAVID is being sucked into the hungry crowd.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
DAVID! NO!

Still holding David’s leg, DIANNE gets up and runs straight
to the front door; UNLOCKING THE FINAL DEADBOLT!

SHAUN
Di, don’t!

LIZ
Di, don’t!
118.

Too late. DIANNE opens the door and runs out to save David,
thrashing at the ZOMBIES with her boyfriend’s leg.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
I’m coming Daffs!

DIANNE is swallowed by the crowd, ZOMBIES quickly take her
place. Lots of them. All shapes and sizes, all walks of life.
All ravenous. THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN.

SHAUN
Oh dear.

ED
Cocktails?

LIZ
Do it!

ED runs off. SHAUN grabs the RIFLE. LIZ grabs the shells. He
reloads and open fire at the encroaching tide of ZOMBIES. LIZ
feeds him ammo as they slowly back up to the bar.

ED (O.S.)
Heads!

A FLAMING COCKTAIL sails over LIZ and SHAUN’s head and
explodes over the door. It ignites the surrounding curtains
and carpet. ZOMBIES fall back momentarily.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun and his gang deal with the aftermath of Barbara turning into a zombie and the ensuing argument about what to do. David betrays the group, but ultimately pays with his life. Dianne also dies trying to save him, leaving Shaun, Liz, and Ed to fight off a horde of zombies.
Strengths "The tense atmosphere and emotional stakes are well-executed, with strong character development and plot progression. The dialogue is generally effective in moving the story forward."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue can be clich\u00e9d or on-the-nose at times, and some character actions feel slightly forced for plot convenience. The scene can also feel overwhelming with the number of characters and plot points being juggled."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and has good tension and conflict between the characters. The dialogue feels natural and believable for the situation, with each character having their own unique voice. The use of capital letters for emphasis in the dialogue, while not a common convention in screenwriting, is effective for conveying the emotion behind what the characters are saying.

The action is also well-described, with clear and concise language that makes it easy to visualize what is happening. The use of all caps for sound effects like BANG and SMASH is also a good technique to emphasize the sound and make it stand out on the page.

One potential critique is that the scene is a bit dialogue-heavy and could benefit from some more visual action. While the tension and conflict between the characters is engaging, there could be more physical interaction between them and the zombies to add to the excitement.

Another potential critique is that the scene feels a bit contrived in places, with characters acting in ways that seem designed solely to move the plot forward. For example, David's sudden decision to unlock the door and run out into the zombie horde seems like a bit of a stretch, given how cautious he has been up to that point.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene with good writing and effective use of tension and action.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to add more description and sensory details, especially during the action sequences. For example, when the zombies break through the window, the sound of the glass shattering and the smell of decaying flesh could be highlighted to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Additionally, the dialogue could be further developed to add depth to the characters and their relationships. Perhaps there could be more tension between David and Shaun, or Liz could have conflicting emotions about having to shoot her own mother. By fleshing out the characters and their interactions, the scene would become more engaging and impactful.



Scene 37 -  Surviving the Winchester
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
SHAUN
Keep ‘em coming.

The front barricade FALLS, ZOMBIES dropping clumsily into the
room. Another COCKTAIL EXPLODES, holding them back.

The BACK DOOR shifts. The barricade of tables and chairs
fall. DEAD HANDS reach into the bar, grabbing ED’s neck.

ED
Gun please?

SHAUN spins and throws the rifle to ED, who catches it and
blasts over his shoulder. The HANDS fall back, releasing him.

Behind, a PIZZA DELIVERY ZOMBIE walks through the fire.

LIZ
Ed! Over here!

ED chucks the rifle to LIZ. She is unsure what to do; the
PIZZA ZOMBIE’s head is protected by a helmet. Deftly, she
smashes the visor with the gun butt and fires into the hole.
119.

ED
Smooth!

SHAUN notices BARBARA’s body. He grabs his jacket and lays it
over her face, placing the flowers on top.

BANG! The BACK DOOR gives. ED turns to see ZOMBIES pour in.

ED (CONT’D)
Shaun! Look who it is!

SHAUN
Fuck a doodle doo.

Leading the pack is the naked ZOMBIE PETE. ED tries to ignite
a COCKTAIL but his lighter won’t work.

ED
Bitch!

SHAUN sees that ED is in trouble and calls for the rifle.

SHAUN
To me!

LIZ chucks him the rifle. ZOMBIE PETE lunges at ED, hissing.

ZOMBIE PETE
Uhhhhh...

ED
Don’t groan at me, you thick fuck.

ED gets PETE in a headlock. But he is distracted by a
HALLOWEEN RINGTONE trilling out from somewhere in the bar. ED
looks up to see a COMMUTER ZOMBIE holding his phone.

ED (CONT’D)
Hey that’s mine, you cheeky-

ED screams as PETE BITES DOWN INTO HIS ARM. ED throws his
head back in pain, making his neck available to the nearby
ZOMBIE BERNIE, who takes a MASSIVE CHUNK out of it.

SHAUN
Noooooooooooo!

SHAUN takes aim at ED’s attackers but can’t get a clear shot.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Pete!!!

Amazingly, PETE hears this and turns around to face SHAUN.
PETE’s dead eyes lock with SHAUN’s.
120.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
I said leave him alone!

SHAUN blows PETE’s head clean off. He swings back to ED but
can no longer see him. There are too many ZOMBIES between.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed!

The front of the pub is now wide open. LIZ fends off the
increasing numbers with a HAT STAND. They’re everywhere.

LIZ
Shaun. Bar!

SHAUN
But-

LIZ bundles SHAUN behind the bar. They crouch down, kicking
the back door shut and holding it with their feet.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed!

No answer.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Ed!

SHAUN peers back. He sees nothing but ZOMBIES.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
ED!

A HUGE SHAPE tumbles over the bar next to SHAUN and LIZ.

ED
What?

ED is alive but badly bitten, his neck GUSHING BLOOD.

SHAUN
I thought you were-

ED
Yeah, yeah. Chuck us a cloth will
you?

SHAUN does so. ED presses the beer cloth to his neck. ZOMBIES
now fill the bar, having breached the first fire barricade.

ED (CONT’D)
Get the brandy!
121.

SHAUN grabs a bottle of brandy and offers it to ED.

ED (CONT’D)
Not for me you tit. Smash it on the
bar.

SHAUN jumps up and smashes the bottle. He grabs his lighter
and ignites the spirit. Flames rip along the bar, a new fire
wall erupts. SHAUN rejoins ED and LIZ, triumphant.

LIZ
Where are the bullets?

ED
Call them shells.

LIZ
Where are the shells?

SHAUN jumps up again to retrieve the shells from the bar. He
burns his fingers and crouches down again sucking his thumb.

SHAUN
Oh, fuck it! Owww! Fuck it!

ZOMBIES now reach through the flames, pushing at the pumps.
Alcohol rains down. ED takes a few gulps.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
So, what are we going to do then?
Where are we going to go?

SHAUN and LIZ look round at a loss. Then-

BANG. A FOOTBALL hits the back of the bar, smashing a mirror.
It falls down and settles on the TRAPDOOR to the cellar.

ED
The cellar?

LIZ
Maybe we can get out.

ED
Yeah, there’s the barrel hatch.
That leads out into the street.

SHAUN
You mean go back outside?

LIZ
Which would you prefer, mortal
peril or certain death?
122.

SHAUN
Um...first one.

They head for the TRAPDOOR. But- The ZOMBIE IRISH SPINSTER
drops over and gets to her feet.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Oh give us a fucking break!

On the fiery bar, the BOX OF SHELLS suddenly explodes. Stray
bullets fire off everywhere. One ricochets off the pub bell
and hits the ZOMBIE IRISH SPINSTER in the head. She falls,
disappointed. SHAUN, LIZ and ED make for the hatch.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun, Liz, and Ed defend themselves from zombies at the Winchester pub, and ultimately find a possible escape route through the cellar.
Strengths "Intense action and tension, clever use of weapons and fire to fend off zombies, and potential for character growth through dealing with loss and survival."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue and actions may come across as overly clich\u00e9d or predictable in a zombie film setting."
Critique The scene is well-written and has a good flow. The action sequences are intense and the dialogue is snappy and realistic. The use of humor in the face of danger adds to the overall tone of the scene and keeps it from becoming too heavy.

However, one area for improvement is the character development. While Shaun, Ed, and Liz are familiar characters from the film, the other zombies and characters are not well-defined. Adding more depth to these characters, even if they are just background characters, could create a richer and more engaging scene.

Additionally, some of the actions and reactions of the characters may seem unrealistic or convenient, such as the explosion of the box of shells or the zombie holding a phone. It may be helpful to make these moments more grounded in reality to increase the overall believability of the scene.

Overall, the scene is well-written and exciting, with room for additional character development and more believable moments.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Character development: The scene could benefit from more focus on the characters and their reactions to the intense situation they're in. We could use some dialogue or internal monologue to get a better sense of their personalities and motivations.

2. Pacing: There's a lot happening in this scene, and it feels a bit rushed. It might be beneficial to slow down the action a bit and give the audience time to process what's happening.

3. Simplify: There are a lot of details in this scene that could be simplified to make it more streamlined and easier to follow. For example, instead of using multiple names for the zombies (Pizza Delivery Zombie, Zombie Pete, Zombie Bernie, etc.), it might be easier to refer to them all simply as "zombies."

4. Dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose and could be more subtly written. For example, when Ed gets bitten, instead of him saying "Chuck us a cloth will you?" he could simply say "I need something to stop the bleeding."

5. Conflict: The scene could benefit from more clearly defined conflicts and obstacles for the characters to overcome. Right now, it's mostly just a series of chaotic events happening in quick succession, without a clear sense of who or what the characters are fighting against. Adding some more specific conflicts and goals for the characters to work towards would make the scene more engaging and exciting.



Scene 38 -  Escape from the Cellar
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CELLAR –CONTINUOUS

They pull ED down into a dark cellar, filled with boxes and
laundry. SHAUN grabs some piping from the floor and shoves it
through the handle of the trapdoor, wedging it shut.

ED slumps against the wall, the beer cloth already sodden
with blood. LIZ grabs some linen from the washing line and
uses it to bandage ED’s wounds.

In the far corner of the cellar, a shaft of orange street
light illuminates the outline of the BARREL HATCH.

SHAUN
I can see the street!

He puts the rifle down and jumps up, hanging from the
handles. The BARREL HATCH does not budge.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Come on!

SHAUN pulls frantically before dropping down. He tries again,
desperately trying to force open the hatch.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
COME ON!

LIZ watches with an increasing air of disappointment.



LIZ
Shaun.

SHAUN
WHY WON’T IT OPEN?
123.

SHAUN drops down again and slides down the wall, utterly
defeated. He laughs grimly.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
So that’s that then. We’re trapped.
‘Let’s go to the Winchester’. Who
the fuck came up with that idea?
(puts head in hands)
Oh man, I’ve really ballsed this
up.

LIZ leaves ED and sits with SHAUN on the floor. The noise
from upstairs is muffled, the cellar oddly quiet.

LIZ
No you haven’t.

SHAUN
I have Liz. I’m useless. I couldn’t
save us. I couldn’t save Di and
David. I couldn’t even save my own
mother. I should have been there. I
can’t-

LIZ
You shouldn’t feel so responsible.
You tried. You did something.
That’s what counts. God knows where
we’d be if you hadn’t.

SHAUN
I s’pose.

The CELLAR DOOR SHAKES violently. LIZ and SHAUN look at it.

LIZ
Do you think they’ll get through?

SHAUN
Yes.

LIZ
How many shells have we got left?

SHAUN
Two. I guess we could take out a
few of them. If they stand in a
line.

LIZ
I wasn’t thinking about them.

SHAUN
I know.
124.

SHAUN looks around at the surrounding bottles and barrels.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
Can’t we just drink ourselves to
death?

LIZ
I don’t think we’ve got time.

The CELLAR DOOR SHUDDERS again. SHAUN looks at the rifle.

SHAUN
There’s only two shells. What about
Ed?

ED (O.S.)
I don’t mind being eaten.

SHAUN
How are we gonna do this?

LIZ
I don’t know. I suppose one of us
has to go first.

SHAUN
Maybe one of us has to ‘do’ the
other and then ‘do’ themselves.

LIZ
Maybe you should ‘do’ me first.
I’ll only muck it up if I have to
‘do’ myself.

SHAUN briefly mimes this out, then shakes his head.

SHAUN
I really don’t know if I’ve got it
in me to shoot my mum, my flat-mate
and my girlfriend all in the same
evening.

LIZ
What makes you think I’ve taken you
back?

The CELLAR DOOR buckles. The COPPER PIPE BENDS.

SHAUN
Well, you don’t want to die single
do you?

They laugh and look deeply into each other’s eyes.
125.

ED (O.S.)
Actually, I would like to be shot.

SHAUN
Besides, I’ve changed y’know? I
haven’t had a fag since yesterday.
I promise.

ED
He hasn’t.

LIZ
Maybe we should have one now.

LIZ takes out a crumpled packet of cigarettes. SHAUN looks
shocked. LIZ smiles innocently.

LIZ (CONT’D)
You left them in my room.

SHAUN
They were in the bin!

LIZ
I was desperate.

SHAUN
Sneaky cow.

They each take a cigarette. LIZ shrugs.

LIZ
I’m sorry.

SHAUN
Aah, I won’t say anything.

SHAUN ignites his lighter. The flame illuminates A RED BUTTON
on the wall, above which is a sign reading...

‘WAY OUT’

SHAUN holds the lighter up to reveal an electric door
mechanism. They were sitting on the SERVICE LIFT all along.

He and LIZ exchange a look. They nod. A silent agreement.

CRACK. The CELLAR DOOR splinters. DEAD FINGERS claw through
as the smoke thickens. They are almost inside.

SHAUN runs to ED’s side. He is pale and visibly fading.

SHAUN
Come on. We’re leaving.
126.

ED
I might just stay here.

SHAUN
But we can all get out.

ED
I think you two should make a go of
it.

SHAUN
What are you talking about?

ED
I’ll only hold you back.

SHAUN looks at his friend and realises he’s right. With a
somber nod, he offers ED the RIFLE.

ED (CONT’D)
Don’t you want it?

SHAUN
Nah. You have it. I can’t hit
anything with it anyway.

ED takes the RIFLE from SHAUN.

SHAUN (CONT’D)
I’m sorry Ed.

ED
For what?

SHAUN
I’m sorry I shouted at you earlier.

ED
S’alright. I’m sorry too.

SHAUN
It’s okay.

ED
No, I’m sorry Shaun.

SHAUN puzzles, before his expression turns to disgust. ED
laughs. SHAUN winces, as he covers his nose and mouth.

SHAUN
Oh Jesus. That’s not funny.
127.

ED
I’ll stop doing them when you stop
laughing.

SHAUN
(welling up)
I’m not laughing.

The CELLAR DOOR finally gives. Smoke now pours through.

ED
You better be off.

SHAUN looks at ED. A silent goodbye. He joins LIZ on the
SERVICE LIFT. She has found an old FIRE AXE and a LARGE
CHAIN. SHAUN chooses the axe. LIZ hits the RED BUTTON.

The service hatch opens. SHAUN and LIZ are bathed in orange
streetlight. The lift starts to ascend.

LIZ
Bye Ed. Love you.

ED
Cheers.

SHAUN
I love you too man.

ED
Gay.

ED disappears from view, lost amid the THICK SMOKE and the
ENCROACHING MOANS, as SHAUN and LIZ reach-
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Shaun, Liz, and Ed are stuck in a cellar running out of options. They contemplate the grave task of having to kill themselves if the zombies break in. But they discover an electric door mechanism revealing that the whole time they were sitting on top of a service lift. They silently agree to leave Ed behind with the rifle, as he is already too injured to go on. They leave, fighting zombies with an axe and chain as they ascend to the surface.
Strengths "Intense zombie action with witty dialogue and character development. Great use of foreshadowing with the service lift reveal."
Weaknesses "Dialogue occasionally falls flat and some plot points feel forced."
Critique The scene is well written and effectively captures the tension and impending doom of the situation. The characters' dialogue and actions feel natural and consistent with their personalities and motivations. The use of humor helps to break up the tension and provides some relief for the audience. However, there could be more description of the physical setting and the actions of the characters, which would help to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the viewer. Additionally, there could be more insight into the characters' emotions and internal struggles, which would add depth and nuance to the scene. Overall, the scene is effective in its execution and keeps the audience engaged and invested.
Suggestions The scene has a good emotional impact and character development, but there could be some improvements to increase the tension and stakes of the situation. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more zombies: The cellar is a confined space, which can create a claustrophobic atmosphere. By adding more zombies trying to break in, the tension and urgency of the scene will increase.

2. Raise the stakes: The characters are discussing who will sacrifice themselves, but it is not clear why they need to do this. Adding a reason why they need to leave the cellar (for example, a rescue team is waiting for them outside and they only have a limited time to reach them) will increase the stakes and urgency of the situation.

3. Use the space: The scene could benefit from using the space creatively. For example, the characters could find hidden passages or objects in the cellar that could help them escape or fend off the zombies. Using the environment to create obstacles and challenges will add to the tension and make the escape more rewarding.

4. Increase the action: The scene could include more action and physicality, as the characters try to escape and fight off the zombies. Including a zombie attack or chase sequence could make the scene more engaging and exciting.

Overall, the scene has potential, but could benefit from adding more tension and action. By making the stakes clearer and using the space creatively, the scene will become more engaging and memorable.



Scene 39 -  Surviving the End
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THE OUTSIDE –CONTINUOUS

SHAUN and LIZ rise up onto the street, a shot rings out from
the cellar beneath. SHAUN and LIZ exchange a look. It’s just
them now, versus an ARMY OF ADVANCING ZOMBIES.

SHAUN
Ready?

LIZ
Ready.

They both raise their weapons, ready to fight on together.
The CHORUS OF MOANS is now deafening. But then-

Another sound. An ENGINE ROARING, approaching fast.
128.

SHAUN and LIZ are dazzled by BRIGHT HEADLIGHTS, as one of a
CONVOY OF MILITARY TRUCKS mounts the curb next to the
Winchester, knocking several ZOMBIES flying.

FIGURES leap from the back. ORDERS barked. SHOTS are fired.
SHAUN and LIZ are disoriented until they hear...

VOICE (O.S.)
Ohmigod! Shaun!

A SMALLER FIGURE moves in front of the headlights. SHAUN
squints into the glare.

SHAUN
Yvonne?

YVONNE steps forward, her face becoming visible.

YVONNE
How you doing?

SHAUN and LIZ exchange a look.

SHAUN LIZ
Surviving. Surviving.

YVONNE (CONT’D)
They’re taking us somewhere safe.
Thought you might want to tag
along. Is it just the two of you?

SHAUN and LIZ nod somberly.

YVONNE (CONT’D)
Well...Glad somebody made it.


YVONNE beckons SHAUN and LIZ towards the truck. With the
sound of GUNFIRE and PITCH BATTLE echoing around them, they
disappear into the BLINDING LIGHT.

DISSOLVE TO:

CAPTION ‘6 MONTHS LATER’

...WHITE NOISE FLIPS TO...

NEWS: The TROUBLED REPORTER from earlier. Now very calm and
being interviewed as an authority on the subject.

“...these beings, these creatures or to use the correct
scientific terminology...Zombies, posed the greatest threat-”
129.

FLIP. We see footage of MILITARY POLICE racing down suburban
streets, saving people from houses.

“...it’s a testament to the combined forces of the military
that law was restored. Of course we now realise that the
phenomenon resulted from the use of-”

FLIP. A TRASHY AMERICAN DOCUMENTARY. Quick cut NTSC footage
of zombies and shootings.

“...next we’ll hear the story of 10 year old Issac Baumgarten
who fought off the reanimated corpses of his extended family.
It’s all coming right up on ‘Zombies From Hell’.”

FLIP. A SERIOUS DOCUMENTARY.

“...of course the fact that the mobile deceased still have
primal instincts and trace cognitive thought...”

We see ZOMBIES herded into a cage on the back of a lorry.

“...makes them ideal recruitment for the service industry.”

We see a ZOMBIE NOEL in overalls pushing shopping trolleys.

“...and because we now know the condition is caused by-”

FLIP. A heated discussion on ‘Trisha’. A young woman is sat
on the stage. A corner graphic reads ‘I MARRIED A MONSTER’.

YOUNG WOMAN
...people say it’s wrong. But he’s
still my husband, y’know?

In the next chair to the young woman, sits a FIGURE in semi-
darkness. TRISHA looks on sympathetically.

YOUNG WOMAN (CONT’D)
I still love him, still got the
ring on me finger, Trisha...

FLIP. A LAME GAME SHOW with lumbering undead contestants on
bouncy obstacle courses. An unseen commentator giggles.


INT. HOUSE –DAY

Bare feet lumber into shot. Slowly we PAN UP. SHAUN. His face
is tired, but happy. He yawns.

We are back in the lounge. The room is tidy, but the decor a
little different. More homely. There are photos of Shaun &
Liz on the wall, next to two mounted rifles and posters
advertising a club at which Shaun now Deejays.
130.

We also see pictures of David and Di and Barbara and Philip,
arranged like little shrines.

LIZ sits on the sofa, idly flicking through the cable
channels. She is wearing BARBARA’S RING. SHAUN kisses her.

SHAUN
Allo.

LIZ
Allo.

SHAUN
So, what’s the plan then?

LIZ
Right. We have a cup of tea. Then
we go get the Sundays; head down
The Phoenix for a roast; veg out in
the pub for a bit; then wander
back, watch a bit of telly and go
to bed.

SHAUN
Perfect.

LIZ
I’ll get the kettle on.

SHAUN
Nice. Can I have two sugars?

LIZ
Ooh, adventurous.

SHAUN
Just gonna pop into the garden
actually.

LIZ
Go on then.

SHAUN
Two secs.
Genres: ["Horror","Action","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun, Liz, and the remaining survivors fight off zombies until they're rescued by a military convoy. Six months later, they live a happy, zombie-free life together.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Good plot and character development
  • Satisfying conclusion
Weaknesses
  • Not a lot of memorable dialogue
  • Somewhat predictable plot
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively ties up the story of Shaun and Liz surviving a zombie apocalypse. The use of the military arriving at the last moment, as well as the time jump to six months later, adds a sense of closure to the story. The use of different news clips and shows to indicate the aftermath of the zombie outbreak also adds a layer of depth to the story world.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. While the dialogue between Shaun, Liz, and Yvonne is effective in conveying their emotions, it could be tighter and more concise. Additionally, the use of different types of media to show the aftermath of the outbreak could be expanded upon, with more specific examples or interviews with characters from the story. Overall, this scene effectively wraps up the story, but could benefit from further development in certain areas.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to add more tension and build-up to the arrival of the military trucks. Instead of a sudden appearance, have Shaun and Liz fighting off zombies for a few moments before the trucks arrive, making their arrival even more impactful. Additionally, there could be more dialogue between Yvonne and Shaun/Liz to establish the gravity of the situation and the relief they feel in being rescued. Lastly, the introduction of the news segments can feel a bit abrupt, so there could be a smoother transition, such as having Shaun and Liz watching the news instead of just flicking through channels.



Scene 40 -  The Game Continues
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. SHED –MOMENTS LATER

SHAUN opens the repaired shed door. The interior is dimly lit
by a flickering light. SHAUN sits down and picks up a game
controller, then presses a button. A VOICE booms.

GAME VOICE
Player Two has entered the game.
131.

A ZOMBIE ED sits on the floor, playing a video game. He is
shackled to the wall. ED turns to see SHAUN playing next to
him. He looks at him for a moment, before making a slow lunge
at his arm.

ED
Uhhhhhh.

SHAUN bats him away playfully.

SHAUN
Ed!

They continue playing. SHAUN scores a point. ED groans. SHAUN
laughs.

END
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Shaun and Ed continue to bond over a video game, despite Ed being turned into a zombie.
Strengths "Provides a lighthearted moment in an otherwise intense film and shows Shaun's character growth in accepting Ed as a zombie."
Weaknesses "Does not advance the plot significantly and may be seen as filler by some."
Critique Overall, this scene is brief but effective in setting up the dynamic between Shaun and Zombie Ed within the context of a video game. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved.

Firstly, there is no mention or indication of why Zombie Ed is shackled to the wall. This could be confusing for the audience and raises questions that are left unanswered. Adding a line or visual cue to explain why Ed is shackled could add depth to the scene and the relationship between the characters.

Secondly, there is no clear conflict or stakes introduced in the scene. While the playful banter between Shaun and Ed is enjoyable, there is no tension or urgency to the situation. Introducing a clear goal or obstacle for the characters to overcome in the game could heighten the stakes and engage the audience more fully.

Finally, the dialogue between Shaun and Ed is limited and lacks specificity or depth. While the playful interaction is fun, more nuanced dialogue could reveal more about their relationship and personalities, making the scene more memorable and impactful.

Overall, the scene is a solid start in establishing the tone and dynamic of the characters but could be strengthened with a few key additions and tweaks.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more tension: The scene needs to have a sense of urgency or danger, since the film is about a zombie apocalypse. Consider adding a conflict or obstacle that the characters must overcome while playing the video game.

2. Make the dialogue more interesting: The dialogue in this scene is minimal and doesn't contribute much to the story or character development. Consider adding more banter between Shaun and Ed that reveals something about their relationship or personalities.

3. Utilize the setting: The shed could be an interesting location with plenty of potential for visual storytelling. Think about ways to incorporate the environment into the scene, such as using shadows or props to enhance the mood.

4. Expand on the characters: While it's good to have a fun, light-hearted scene every now and then, it's important to make sure the characters are constantly evolving throughout the story. Consider adding a layer to Shaun and Ed's relationship or personalities that may reveal more about them as people and what drives them in the story.

5. Provide a stronger ending: This scene is the last one in the film, so it's important to leave the audience with a memorable final moment. Consider adding a twist or reveal of some sort that ties up any loose ends or adds a surprising new element to the story.