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Scene 1 -  Interrupted Dreams
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Screenplay by

Hubert Selby, Jr. and Darren Aronofsky

Based on the novel
by Hubert Selby, Jr.




Shooting Script, 2000
FADE IN:

1 ON THE TV - 1

is Tappy Tibbons, America’s favorite television personality.

His charismatic personality shines for the entire world to
see.

His audience cheers wildly.

AUDIENCE
Juice by Tappy! Juice by Tappy!

Juice by Tappy! ooooOOOOH! Tappy’s got juice! Tappy’s got
juice! ooooOOOOH Tappy!

TAPPY TIBBONS
Thank you! Thank you vey much!
Today’s winner is a flight attendant
from Washington DC. Will you please
welcome Mary -

Suddenly, the plug is pulled. The TV flickers off and we -

CUT TO:

THE PRESENTATION TITLES, THEN -

CUT TO:

2 INT. SARA’S LIVING ROOM - DAY 2

Harry Goldfarb, young twenties, is an eccentric kid with a
seductive smile.

He tries to stop his mother, Sara Goldfarb, from locking
herself in the closet.

HARRY
Ma! Ma! C’mon, Ma!

SARA
Harold. Please. Not again the TV.

She slams the door closed and Harry talks to the shut door.

HARRY
Why do you haveta make such a big
deal out of this? Eh? You know
you’ll have the set back in a couple
of hours.

No answer.


(CONTINUED)
2.

2 CONTINUED: 2

HARRY
Why ya gotta make me feel guilty?
(frustrated)
Ahhh...

Harry walks across the room to the early eighties TV with
ridiculous rabbit ears.

Sara locks the door and retreats to the back of the closet.

Harry starts to push the set on its stand when suddenly it
jerks - almost falling. Harry spies a thick bicycle chain
going from around the TV to the radiator.

HARRY
Jesus! Whatta ya tryin’ to do, eh?
You tryin’ to get me to break my own
mother’s set? Or break the radiator?

Harry marches to the closet.

HARRY
..an’ maybe blow up the whole house?
You tryin’ to make me a killer?
Your own son? Your own flesh and
blood? WHATTA YA DOIN’ TA ME?
YOUR OWN SON!!!

Then, a thin key slowly peeks out from under the closet door.

Harry works it out with his fingernail and yanks it up.

HARRY
Why do you always gotta play games
with my head for krist’s sake?
Don’t you have any considerations
for my feelings? Why do you haveta
make my life so difficult?

And then, meekly from the closet -

SARA
Harold, I wouldn’t. The chain isn’t
for you. The robbers.

HARRY
Then why didn’t you tell me? The
set almost fell. I coulda had a
heart attack.

Sara shakes her head in the darkness.

SARA
You should be well, Harold.


(CONTINUED)
3.

2 CONTINUED: (2) 2

HARRY
Then why won’t you come out?

Harry tries to open the locked closet door but can’t.

HARRY
See what I mean? See how you always
gotta upset me?

Harry walks to the TV, unlocks the chain and starts to wheel
the TV towards the front door. He pauses by the closet.

HARRY
Ma? Ma? C’mon out? Please, Ma.

No response. Inside, Sara hugs her knees.

Then, he throws up his hands, mumbles -

HARRY
Eh, screw it.

And pushes the set carefully out of the apartment.

In the closet, Sara hears the door shut. She mumbles to
herself -

SARA
It’s not happening. And if it should
be happening it would be alright, so
don’t worry, Seymour. It’ll all
work out. You’ll see already. In
the end it’s all nice.

SMASH CUT TO:

BLACK -

- AND THE TITLE: ’REQUIEM FOR A DREAM’

TITLES BEGIN -
Genres: ["drama","dark comedy"]

Summary Harry tries to stop his mother from locking herself in a closet to watch her favorite show. She has chained the TV to the radiator so that robbers won't take it. Harry becomes frustrated and upset as he discovers the chain and argues with his mother. He ultimately takes the TV and leaves the apartment. Meanwhile, Sara appears delusional and talks to herself in the closet.
Strengths "Strong dialogue that establishes character relationships and conflict. The tension between Harry and his mother is palpable."
Weaknesses "The scene is a bit slow-paced and may lose some viewers. The introduction of the other characters is delayed."
Critique First of all, it's important to note that this is a shooting script, which means it's not the final product that audiences will see on screen. It's simply a guideline for the filmmakers to follow.

With that said, the scene itself is well written, with clear descriptions of the characters and their actions. The dialogue feels natural and realistic, particularly in the way Harry and Sara talk over each other and interrupt each other, which can add to the tension in the scene.

One thing that could be improved is the use of CAPITALIZATION for emphasis. In a shooting script, it's common to use bold or underline to indicate important words or actions, rather than all caps. It can be distracting to read and may not translate well on screen.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the dynamic between Harry and his mother, Sara, and hints at the themes of addiction and obsession that are explored in the rest of the film.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene feels too long and could benefit from some trimming. Additionally, there is a lack of visual interest and action on screen. To improve the scene, the visuals could be enhanced and there could be more physical activity, such as Harry struggling to move the TV, or Sara trying to keep him from taking it. The dialogue could also be condensed and made more impactful. Lastly, the scene could benefit from a clearer indication of what the story is going to be about, as the audience may be left confused as to what the film is about after watching this particular scene.



Scene 2 -  Pawn Shop
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
3 EXT. SARA’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 3

Waiting for Harry is Tyrone C. Love, young twenties, leaning
against the wall, playing skillfully with a yo-yo.

Taking his time, Tyrone helps Harry wheel the set to the
dingy elevator.

TYRONE
Sheeit, this mutha startin’ to look
a little seedy, man.



(CONTINUED)
4.

3 CONTINUED: 3

HARRY
What’s the matter, ya particular all
of a sudden?

TYRONE
Hey, baby, ah don’t care if it’s
growin’ hair just so’s we get our
braid.

CUT TO:

4 EXT. SARA’S BUILDING - BRIGHTON BEACH, BROOKLYN - DAY 4

Lining the front of the building in beach chairs are ten
female Yentas absorbing the sun and passing judgement on
Harry.

Harry says hello and is greeted by a chorus of fake, sarcastic
’hellos’ in return.

CUT TO:

5 EXT. STREETS OF BRIGHTON BEACH AND CONEY ISLAND 5

Harry and Tyrone carefully navigate the TV through the streets
of the old Brooklyn neighborhood.

They go under the elevated train, past the giant, dying
projects, across the boardwalk, beneath the shadows of the
towering parachute jump and through the cracking and boarded-
up amusement park.

THE TITLES END.

A HARD CUT TO:

BLACK

ON THE SCREEN IN WHITE LETTERS: ’SUMMER’

CUT TO:

6 INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY 6

Old and squat Mr. Rabinowitz shakes his head as Harry and
Tyrone push the set into his store.

He stands behind a cage of bulletproof glass with all of the
pawn shop’s possessions.

MR RABINOWITZ
So look, the table too already.




(CONTINUED)
5.

6 CONTINUED: 6

HARRY
Hey, what do you want from me? I
can’t schlep it on my back.

MR RABINOWITZ
You got a friend.

TYRONE
Hey man, I ain’t my leper’s schlepper.

Harry chuckles.

MR RABINOWITZ
Such a son. A goniff. Your mother
needs you like a moose needs a hat
rack.

The pawn shop owner clucks his tongue and slowly counts out
the money.

CUT TO:

7 QUICK HIP-HOP MONTAGE: 7

Lighter flicks-liquid on spoon sizzles-tourniquet snaps-
needle sucks-hand slaps vein-a thunderous rush of liquid-and
finally an ecstatic sigh.

8 INT. TYRONE’S DIVE PAD - LATER 8

Tyrone’s pad is run down but it’ll do. Tight on Harry back-
spinning a record on the turntable and halting the beat.

Then he lets the other turntable spin and start a new tune.

TYRONE
Sheeit, that’s some boss scag, baby.
I mean DYN-A-MITE.

HARRY
Yeah, man, something else.

Harry calmly watches the record spin.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone pawn Harry's mother's TV to get money for drugs.
Strengths "The scene effectively conveys the dire situation Harry and Tyrone are in without being too heavy-handed. The dialogue and characters add humor to the situation."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a significant amount of conflict and the character development is minimal."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and setting descriptions. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the introduction of Tyrone C. Love feels a bit abrupt and lacks any context. It would be helpful for the audience to know who he is and what his relationship is to Harry.

Secondly, the use of stereotypes in the dialogue, such as "Sheeit" and "mutha" for African-American characters, can come across as cliché. It's important to avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes in screenwriting.

Lastly, the quick hip-hop montage of drug use feels rushed and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It may be more effective to incorporate the drug use more organically into the story.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some refinement in terms of character development and avoiding harmful stereotypes.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Start the scene with more action. Perhaps have Harry and Tyrone struggling to get the TV into the elevator instead of casually wheeling it in. This will create more tension and engage the audience from the start.
- Give more description of the characters. Instead of just describing Tyrone as "young twenties," give more details about his appearance and demeanor to bring him to life for the audience.
- Show more of the relationship between Harry and Tyrone. Right now, their interaction is pretty minimal. Adding more dialogue or actions that show their dynamic will create a more engaging scene.
- Consider adding more conflict. Right now, the scene is pretty straightforward and doesn't have much tension or conflict. Perhaps the Yentas in front of the building could cause more trouble for Harry and Tyrone, or they could encounter some other obstacle on their way to the pawn shop.
- Use more vivid language. The dialogue in the scene is pretty basic and doesn't add much color or personality to the characters. Using more colorful language and unique turns of phrase will make the scene more memorable and engaging.



Scene 3 -  Pawned TV and Donut Shop Chase
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
9 INT. DONUT SHOP - NIGHT - LATER 9

Tyrone and Harry sit at the counter of an all-night donut
shop, sipping hot chocolate and eating chocolate Crullers.

TYRONE
Ya know what we oughta do, man?
Huh?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
6.

9 CONTINUED: 9

TYRONE (CONT'D)
We oughta get a piece of this Brody
shit and cut it and off it, ya dig?

HARRY
This stuff’s good enough to cut in
half and still get you wasted. We
could double our money. Easy.

TYRONE
That’s right. An’ then we buy a
couple a pieces an’ we got something’
else goin’, man. It sure would be
righteous.

HARRY
In no time we’d get a pound of pure
straight from Sal the Geep.

TYRONE
No hassles. That’s all I want, no
hassles.

Just then, a hulking Cop sits down on the stool next to Harry.

Tyrone and Harry both fall silent and slowly sip their hot
chocolates.

Harry looks down at the Cop’s gun. It’s maybe six inches
from his hand.

Slowly, he reaches over and undoes the safety latch on the
Cop’s holster.

Tyrone’s eyes fill with fear.

The Waitress comes over and gives the Cop his office.

WAITRESS
Can I get you a -

Just then, Harry yanks the gun out of the holster. The Cop
spins around. Harry retreats -

COP
Hey! Hey!

Harry smiles as the Cop charges. Tyrone snickers. Then
Harry tosses the gun over the Cop’s head. Tyrone catches
it.

The Cop chases Tyrone.

Harry and Tyrone laugh as they toss the gun back and forth
just over the frustrated Cop’s head.

(CONTINUED)
7.

9 CONTINUED: (2) 9

The Cop slips and falls on his ass and we -

CUT BACK TO:

10 REALITY. FIVE MINUTES EARLIER - 10

WAITRESS
Anything else? Huh?

Tyrone butts Harry. Harry looks up at the Waitress who stares
at him. The towering Cop looks over as well.

WAITRESS
Well.

HARRY
No, no. Just the check.

The Cop returns to his donut.

CUT TO:

11 INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY 11

Mr Rabinowitz shakes his head as Sara enters. He pulls out
a ledger book that is labeled ’Sara Goldfarb’s TV’.

MR RABINOWITZ
Good evening, Mrs Goldfarb.

SARA
Good evening, Mr Rabinowitz, though
I’m not so sure how good it is.
And you?

MR RABINOWITZ
Uh, so what can I say? Are you
wanting your TV?

SARA
Yes, if you don’t mind.

Sara pulls a crinkled ten dollar bill out of the corner of
her blouse and hands it to Mr Rabinowitz.

MR RABINOWITZ
Mrs Goldfarb, can I ask you a
question, you won’t be taking it
personal?

Sara shrugs.

MR RABINOWITZ
How many years we know each other?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
8.

11 CONTINUED: 11

MR RABINOWITZ (CONT'D)
(he nods his head)
Who’s to count? Why don’t you tell
already the police so maybe they
could talk to Harry and he wouldn’t
be stealing no more the TV.

SARA
Oooo, Mr Rabinowitz, I couldn’t,
Harold’s my only child. He’s all I
have.

CUT TO:

12 INT. SARA’S LIVING ROOM - LATER 12

Sara chains the TV to the radiator again. She turns on the
set, adjusts the rabbit ears and watches whatever is on.

Sara smiles as she settles into her chair. She cermoniously
removes the plastic wrapper from around a box of chocolates.

Immediately, she pulls out a chocolate, covered cream and
lets it dissolve in her mouth. Her eyes shut in gentle
ecstasy.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Tyrone and Harry pawn Sara's TV to get drugs while the delusional Sara watches her favorite show and eats chocolate. The two friends discuss their drug dealings and plan to cut their supply with Brody's. In a comical moment, they playfully steal a cop's gun and toss it back and forth over his head.
Strengths "Tension builds as Harry undoes the safety latch on the police officer's gun holster. The comedic chase scene is a standout moment."
Weaknesses "There is little emotional impact in this scene, and the dialogue falls a bit flat."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be a part of a larger story and without the context of the entire story, it is difficult to fully analyze or critique. However, based on what we see in this scene, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the dialogue feels a bit cliche and stereotypical. It relies heavily on drug references and criminal activity, which could be more nuanced to create more complex characters. Additionally, the use of slang like "ya dig?" and "righteous" feels forced and inauthentic.

Secondly, the action sequence with the cop feels unrealistic and the comedy aspect detracts from the serious nature of the situation. It almost feels like a cartoonish moment rather than something that would happen in real life.

Lastly, the scene with Sara at the pawn shop and her conversation with Mr. Rabinowitz feels like it has potential to add depth to her character and the story, but it is too brief to fully explore that. It would benefit from more development and exploration.

In conclusion, this scene has potential but could use some refinement in its dialogue and action sequences. Additionally, the character of Sara could be given more attention to add depth to the story.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the characters of Tyrone and Harry further. Right now, they feel like stereotypical drug dealers. Adding some depth and backstory will make the audience care about them and be more invested in their journey.

2. Increase the tension in the scene with the Cop. Right now, it feels like a close call, but there isn't a real sense of danger. Adding more urgency and suspense will make it more impactful.

3. Consider adding some visual elements to the scene to make it more dynamic. Right now, it's just two characters sitting at a counter talking. Adding some movement or action will make it more engaging to watch.

4. Develop Sara's character more in the second half of the scene. Right now, she feels like a plot device to move the story forward. Adding more depth to her character will make her more interesting and make the audience care about her as well.



Scene 4 -  Sara's Lucky Break
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
13 EXT. SEACOAST TOWER - DAY 13

Looking straight up at the thirty-storey building with sharp
eyes is Marion. She is beautiful, fresh, and in her young
twenties.

Harry, with a stack of newspapers under his arm, comes up
from behind and kisses her on the neck.

CUT TO:

SEACOAST TOWER’S FOYER
Harry randomly presses one of
countless buzzers. An Old Lady
responds a moment later.

OLD LADY
Hello? Who is it?

Harry mumbles into the speaker. He and Marion try to hold
their laughter.

OLD LADY
Who?

Harry mumbles again. When the buzzer rings we’re on -
9.



14 THE ELEVATOR 14

- in black-and-white video. A security camera watches Harry
and Marion jump around as they head to the -

15 TOP FLOOR 15

PING! Harry dips his head out the open doors.

All clear. He grabs Marion and they dash to the -

16 STAIRWELL 16

- where red, bold warnings on the emergency exit roof door
threaten alarm if the door is opened.

MARION
What do we do now?

Harry pulls out a wire from his back pocket and shorts the
alarm.

Then, he kicks the roof door open. White light rushes in.

CUT TO:

17 INT. SARA’S LIVING ROOM 17

Her phone rrrings and Sara leans towards it but she continues
to adjust the rabbit ears on her set, torn between the priorty
of the two activities.

Finally, four rings later, she lunges for the phone and flops
down in her viewing chair. She is greeted by a Cheery Voice.

SARA
Hello?

CHEERY VOICE
(off-screen)
Mrs Goldfarb? Mrs Sara Goldfarb?

SARA
It’s me. Speaking.

The voice is so enthusiastic that she looks over to the TV
to see if it’s coming from there.

CHEERY VOICE
(off-screen)
Mrs Goldfarb, this is Lyle Russel
from Malin & Block.

SARA
I’m not interested in -

(CONTINUED)
10.

17 CONTINUED: 17

CHEERY VOICE
(off-screen)
Wait, Mrs Goldfarb. I’m not selling
anything. Nothing. I just want to
offer you a chance to be on
television.

SARA
Television?

CHEERY VOICE
(off-screen)
That’s right, Mrs Goldfarb.

SARA
Look, I don’t have any -

CHEERY VOICE
(off-screen)
I’m not looking for money, Mrs
Goldfarb. I’m calling to tell you
you’ve already won. Your name was
selected from a long list of available
contestants. You’ve been chosen and
you now have an opportunity to be on
television.

SARA
Me? On television?

Sara’s eyes light up.

LYLE RUSSEL
(off-screen)
That’s right, Mrs Goldfarb. You on
television.

SARA
I never thought I’d be on television.
I’m just a -

LYLE RUSSEL
(off-screen)
Malin & Block discovers contestants
for most of America’s favorite
television shows.

SARA
Ooooooo... Me... me... on... oh I
can’t...

LYLE RUSSEL
(off-screen)
Yes, Mrs Goldfarb, you.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
11.

17 CONTINUED: (2) 17

LYLE RUSSEL (CONT'D)
Congratulations! I can’t tell you
why you are so lucky, but you are.
Congratulations!

Sara falls against the back of the viewing chair, one hand
clutches desperately at the phone, the other on top of her
dress. Her eyes bulge, her mouth hangs open.

LYLE RUSSEL
(off-screen)
You will receive all necessary
information in the mail, Mrs Goldfarb.
Goodbye and... God bless.

Click! Sara tries to catch her breath. She awakens from
her ecstasy when the phone beeps its off-the-hook sound.

18 INT. SARA’S BEDROOM - A BIT LATER 18

Sara picks up a framed photo. The picture was taken on
Harry’s high school graduation day years ago. Harry, in the
middle, is an eighteen-year-old in cap and gown. Sara’s
husband Seymour hovers over Harry’s left shoulder.

On Harry’s right is a younger-looking Sara. She is thirty
pounds lighter, has brilliant red hair and wears a red dress
and gold shoes. Sara stares at her outfit.

Then she rushes to the closet. As she hums a tuneless
monotone, she carefully pulls out the last dress on the hook.

She ceremoniously removes the dry-cleaning plastic and smiles
at her red dress.

She puts it on. In the mirror she looks over one shoulder
and then the other. She tries to zip up the back, but after
half an inch and many minutes of exertion she gives up.

On her hands and knees, she searches through mounds of shoes
for the special pair. She pulls out the gold shoes and dusts
them off. Shakily, Sara puts them on. She smiles at herself
in the mirror.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Sara receives a phone call from a TV production company informing her that she has won an opportunity to be on television. She becomes ecstatic and rushes to her bedroom to pick out her special outfit while Harry and Marion sneak into an apartment building.
Strengths "Humorous tone and dialogue, character development for Sara"
Weaknesses "Lacks significant conflict or emotional impact"
Critique Overall, the scene is effective and engaging. It sets up an intriguing plot point with Sara being offered a chance to be on television. The way the scene is constructed builds tension and suspense, as the reader wonders what the catch is and what kind of show Sara has been selected for.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. Firstly, there could be more active description of Sara's emotions and actions. For example, instead of just stating that her "eyes light up," we could be shown how she physically reacts to the news, such as jumping up and down or screaming with excitement. Additionally, the use of off-screen dialogue for Lyle Russel feels a bit clunky and could be replaced with more natural-sounding dialogue.

Lastly, it's worth noting that the opening portion of the scene, which features Marion and Harry sneaking into a building, feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. While it's possible that this set-up will become relevant later on in the story, at this point it feels like a bit of an unnecessary detour. If this scene is meant to establish the characters or their relationship, there might be more effective ways of doing so.
Suggestions - The scene could benefit from clearer character motivations. Why are Harry and Marion going through all this trouble to break into the Seacoast Tower? What are they hoping to accomplish once they get there? Giving the audience more insight into their goals would make the scene more engaging.

- The visuals could be more descriptive and vivid. For example, instead of just saying Marion is "beautiful, fresh, and in her young twenties," show the audience what makes her beautiful and fresh. Is it her bright smile, her flowing hair, her fashionable clothing? Use more sensory details to bring the scene to life.

- The dialogue between Harry and Marion could be more playful and flirtatious. Right now, it's a bit vague and doesn't give a clear indication of their relationship. Adding some teasing banter or inside jokes would make them feel like more of a team and make their antics more fun to watch.

- The scene could use some more tension and suspense. Right now, the break-in seems relatively easy and there's not a lot of risk involved. Adding some unexpected obstacles or complications would ratchet up the stakes and make the scene more exciting.

- The transition from the elevator to Sara's living room feels abrupt and disjointed. Consider adding a scene showing Harry and Marion sneaking through the top floor of the building before cutting to Sara's phone call. This would make the break-in feel more like a real heist and build the tension leading up to the phone call.



Scene 5 -  Pawned TVs and Stolen Guns
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
19 EXT. ROOF - DAY 19

Harry and Marion throw paper airplanes down on the dying
amusement park.

HARRY
... but why you so hard on your folks?
I mean, they give you the bread for
rent, money for the shrink -

(CONTINUED)
12.

19 CONTINUED: 19

MARION
They bug me. They’re fucking
hypocrites.

Harry shrugs - no big deal.

MARION
Like they’re in that big house with
all their cars and money. They pay
me off so they don’t have to deal
with me. They pay off charities to
deal with their racism. Then we’ll
see how liberal they are when I come
home with a black guy.

HARRY
You know what you gotta do.

MARION
Yeah.

HARRY
You gotta get away from them.

MARION
How?

HARRY
What about your clothes? Maybe you
could sell them. Open a store.

MARION
I can’t.

HARRY
Why?

MARION
When will I have time to hang with
you?

A deserved kiss.

CUT TO:

20 EXT. ADA’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 20

Sara, barely wearing her red dress, knocks on a door. Ada,
an orange-haired woman Sara’s age, answers the door.

ADA
So where’s the party?




(CONTINUED)
13.

20 CONTINUED: 20

SARA
Party, schmarty. This is like all
the parties. When I tell you, you’ll
jump out the window.

ADA
A basement window, I hope.

CUT TO:

21 INT. SARA’S BEDROOM 21

Ada tries to stuff Sara into her red dress but it ain’t
happening.

ADA
Well, I have a great diet book.

SARA
Zophtic.

CUT BACK TO:

22 EXT. EMERGENCY EXIT DOOR 22

Marion grabs Harry’s short-circuit wire. Harry, who’s already
inside, looks at his girl’s mischievous eyes.

HARRY
Marion!

Harry gets it. He smiles. Then, Marion yanks the wire.

ALARMS SCREAM!!!

Harry and Marion bolt to the -

23 TOP FLOOR 23

- where both elevators charge the top floor.

MARION
They’re coming.

Harry grabs Marion’s hand and pulls her down the hallway.

Dead end.

Harry and Marion squeeze against the doorway -- fighting the
urge to crack-up. Then:

PING! -- the elevator. A Security Guard charges out.

Harry and Marion hold their breath. The Guard heads straight
for the staircase.

(CONTINUED)
14.

23 CONTINUED: 23

Then our criminals charge --

24 THE ELEVATOR 24

-- and in black-and-white video make out all the way down.

THEN:

25 EXT. SEACOAST TOWER - DAY 25

Harry and Marion burst out of the front door laughing, alarms
ringing behind them.

CUT TO:

26 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX - DAY 26

The mailbox opens and Sara disappointedly peers into the
empty darkness.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Crime"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone pawn two TVs for drug money while Sara receives a phone call that she's won a spot on TV.
Strengths "The dialogue is engaging and moves the plot along while allowing the characters' personalities to shine. The comedic moment with the cop's gun adds a layer of levity to the otherwise tense scene."
Weaknesses "The scene feels disjointed due to its several subplots, and the sudden shift to Sara's TV appearance from Harry and Tyrone's drug dealings feels abrupt."
Critique Overall, the scene has good dialogue and strong character development. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Lack of description - The scene doesn't have much description or stage direction, which can make it hard for the reader to visualize what's happening. Adding details about the setting, character movements, and facial expressions can make the scene come to life.

2. Clunky transitions - The scene jumps from Harry and Marion on the rooftop to Sara knocking on Ada's door without any clear transition. Adding a transitional sentence or visual cue can help smooth out the scene.

3. Unclear motivations - It's not entirely clear why Harry and Marion are on the rooftop or what they're doing there. Adding some context or a clearer objective can help make their actions feel more purposeful.

Overall, the scene has potential, but could benefit from additional detail and clarity.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Clarify the setting: It's unclear where the dying amusement park is located or what it looks like. Adding some visual description could help the audience better imagine the scene.

2. Develop the characters: We don't know much about Harry and Marion beyond their criminal activity and their relationship with each other. Adding more detail about their backgrounds, personalities, and motivations could make them more interesting and engaging for the audience.

3. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue between Harry and Marion feels a bit redundant or unnecessary, such as the exchange about Marion's clothes and starting a store. Cutting some dialogue and focusing on the most important points could make the scene more impactful.

4. Increase the stakes: The alarm going off when Marion pulls the wire feels like a bit of a letdown. Finding a way to increase the tension or danger for the characters could make this scene more exciting.

5. Show, don't tell: Marion's issues with her parents' hypocrisy and racism are interesting, but having her explain them to Harry feels a bit on-the-nose. Finding a more subtle or visual way to convey this information could make the scene more effective.



Scene 6 -  Sara's Diet Book and TV Opportunity
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
27 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 27

Sara sits in her viewing chair watching television and reading
her diet book as she slides herself a chocolate.

The diet book is called ’Ten Pounds in Ten Days.’

She flips through about a hundred pages of introduction until
she comes to the words, ’FIRST WEEK.’

She stares at the page and suddenly she becomes concerned.

She reaches for a chocolate-covered caramel as we read the
page with her:

BREAKFAST

1 hard-boiled egg
1/2 grapefruit
1 cup black coffee (no sugar)

LUNCH

1 hard-boiled egg
1/2 grapefruit
1/2 cup lettuce (no dressing)
Cup Black coffee (no sugar)

DINNER

1 hard-boiled egg
1/2 grapefruit
1 cup black coffee (no sugar)

(CONTINUED)
15.

27 CONTINUED: 27

NOTE: Drink at least 2 quarts of water each day.

Sara stares and chews Her eyes focus on the words, ’no’ ’1,’
and ’1/2’. They focus on the repetition of meals. They
focus on the insanity, searching for the real information
between the lines.

She hears a giggle and turns to look at the refrigerator.

The fridge tremors slightly -- a small mechanical rattle.

Defeated, she drops the book and reaches for another
chocolate. Her head starts to hang and tears begin to well
up in her eyes.

But then she notices something on the television.

TAPPY TIBBONS
Now, let’s meet our next winner.
Straight from Brighton Beach,
Brooklyn, let’s give juicy welcome
to Mrs Sara Goldfarb.

There she is! Herself dressed in red, her hair gorgeous
red, walking across the screen, so slim, so trim, so sexy.

Such curves. This is Red Sara.

Our Sara’s tears fade as her chin lifts and she begins to
smile.

She watches Red Sara pose for the television audience. She
can hear the applause and the wolf whistles.

She puts the chocolates away and lifts up the book -- new
hope.

CUT TO:

28 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT - MIDSUMMER DAY 28

Bright, summer sun shoots through the window and screams
across Marion’s living room floor until it slows and falls
upon Harry and Marion.

They are asleep, fully dressed in each other’s arms.

The racing sounds of the outside midday summer traffic
dissipate and they are alone in a vacuum of melodious
heartbeats and deep breaths.

CUT TO:
16.



29 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT - DAY 29

Ada strips Sara’s hair with a smelly home-made peroxide
concoction at the sink. They’re positioned so that they can
both watch the TV set from the corners of their eyes.

SARA
Ech, what a smell. That’s the Gawanus
Canal?

ADA
Just relax, Dolly, you got a long
way to go. You’ll get used to it.

SARA
Get used to it? I’m almost losing
my appetite.

They chuckle.

SARA
When’s lunch?

Bigger laugh.

ADA
Sweetie, we’re lucky if we’re finished
before supper.

SARA
So long?

ADA
That’s right. With you we’re starting
from scratch one.

SARA
And I thought I would catch a little
sun today.

ADA
In a box you’ll catch it. You just
relax and think how gorgeous you’ll
look with your red hair. Today the
hair, tomorrow the sun.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Sara reads her ridiculous diet book and eats chocolates while Harry and Tyrone pawn two TVs to get drug money. Suddenly, she receives a call that she won a spot on TV, becoming ecstatic and rushing to her room. Meanwhile, Harry and Marion sleep together, and Ada helps Sara bleach her hair.
Strengths
  • The contrast between Sara's excitement and desperation adds depth to the character
  • The combination of drama and humor keeps the story engaging
Weaknesses
  • The playful stealing of the cop's gun feels out of place and unnecessary
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear descriptions and dialogue that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. However, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of purpose and direction, as it jumps between Sara's struggle with her diet and appearance and Marion and Harry's post-coital moment without much connection or resolution. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more colorful or unique language to make it stand out more. Finally, it could be edited for brevity, as some moments, such as Sara going through the diet book in detail, may drag on too long.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to consider for improving this scene:

1. Give the scene more purpose: This scene could benefit from having a clearer purpose and objective. What is Sara's ultimate goal or motivation here? Is she trying to lose weight? Is she unhappy with her appearance? By establishing a more defined objective for the scene, it will create a stronger connection between the audience and the character.

2. Add conflict: Conflict is essential in any scene, as it creates tension and engages the audience. Consider adding more conflict to this scene, such as Sara struggling to resist the temptation of chocolate while trying to stick to her diet, or the peroxide concoction burning her scalp and causing her to second-guess her decision to dye her hair.

3. Explore character emotions: The scene briefly touches on Sara's emotional state, but it could benefit from more in-depth exploration of her feelings and motivations. What is causing her to second-guess her decision to follow this diet plan? How does she feel when she sees herself on TV as Red Sara? By examining Sara's emotions, the audience will connect more deeply with the character and understand her better.

4. Keep it visually interesting: A scene of a character watching TV and reading a book could become visually stagnant. Consider mixing up the visuals by incorporating flashbacks, cutaways, or other techniques to keep the scene visually interesting and dynamic.

By incorporating some of these suggestions, this scene can become more engaging and impactful, helping to drive the story forward and connect the audience with the characters.



Scene 7 -  Drug Dealings and TV Fame
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
30 INT. MARION’S KITCHEN 30

Marion straightens up the kitchen. Harry is spinning some
records on his portable turntable. Tyrone plays with his yo-
yo.



(CONTINUED)
17.

30 CONTINUED: 30

MARION
Anybody wanna waste some time?

Marion pulls out three pills. Harry and Tyrone each grab
one. Ingestion...

WIDE SHOT of the kitchen in time lapse. The next three-
minute scene is actually a three-hour event as Harry, Marion
and Tyrone hang out. We listen to them at normal, if not
slightly slowed down, speed.

HARRY
I’m starving.

TYRONE
Yeah, me too, get me a Snickers.

HARRY
Damn, Ty, don’t you eat anything
except Snickers?

TYRONE
Yeah, Chuckles. Ah digs Chuckles.

MARION
You sure as hell don’t know anything
about eating, man.

HARRY
What you need is some good noodle
soup.

TYRONE
Sheeit, Pepsi and Snickers’ll take
care of anything.

HARRY
And maybe some bread.

TYRONE
I prefer the type that goes in my
pocket not my mouth.

HARRY
Exactly. Angel told me about a
job --

In the flash of an eye, Harry changes record after record,
Tyrone rolls a joint and Marion lights some candles.

TYRONE
A job! Hah!

MARION
What? You lose a bet?

(CONTINUED)
18.

30 CONTINUED: (2) 30

TYRONE
(giggles)
Damn, this is a righteous chick,
Jim.

HARRY
No, we got this idea. Tyrone has
this connection, Brody, with some
dynamite shit. If we can get some
cash together we can get a piece,
cut it up and make a fortune.

TYRONE
Soon we could get a pound of pure
and retire.

HARRY
We’d get off hard knocks and be on
easy street.

Someone is at the door. Marion answers it and seven friends
pile in.

Everyone is in time lapse and everyone is partying. We watch
and listen to the evening’s festivities until --

MARION
What’s the catch?

Suddenly, the racing kitchen clock stops.

CUT TO:

31 INT. SARA’S BATHROOM - DAY 31

Sara stares in the mirror, blinking at her ridiculously orange
hair. It’s nowhere near red.

SARA
That’s red?

ADA
Well, it’s not exactly red but it’s
almost, maybe, in the same family.

SARA
The same family? They’re not even
distant cousins already.

ADA
It’s a red. Not a red red, but a
red.




(CONTINUED)
19.

31 CONTINUED: 31

SARA
Red? You’re telling me this is a
red?

ADA
Yeah. I’m telling. It’s a red.

SARA
Then what’s orange? If this is a
red I want to know what’s orange.

Ada looks at Sara’s hair, then her reflection, then back to
Sara’s hair and then back to her reflection. She purses her
lips and shrugs.

ADA
Well, it could be a little orange,
too.

SARA
A little orange? It’s a little orange
like being a little pregnant.

ADA
(shrugs)
So what’s to worry? It’ll be alright.

SARA
What’s to worry? Someone may try to
juice me.

ADA
Relax, relax, Dolly. It just needs
a little more dye. It’ll be alright
for television.

SARA
All day long, I’m getting my scalp
scraped and burned and smelling like
dead fish and I look like a
basketball.

ADA
Relax. You should learn to relax.
That’s your trouble, you don’t know
how to relax already. I’m telling
you it’s alright. Tomorrow we’ll do
it again and you’ll look like Lucille
Ball.

Ada leads Sara away from the mirror.

CUT TO:
20.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Drug Film"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone pawn two TVs to get drug money while Sara receives news that she has won a spot on TV. Meanwhile, Marion and Tyrone hang out and discuss their drug connections, planning to make a fortune.
Strengths "The scene showcases the different characters and their personalities, adding depth to the narrative. It also advances the plot by setting up the drug deal and TV opportunity for Sara."
Weaknesses "The scene may be too slow-paced for some viewers. Additionally, the humor may not resonate with everyone."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would provide the following critique for this scene:

- The scene lacks clear stakes or conflict. While we see the characters hanging out and talking, there doesn't seem to be any real tension or conflict driving the scene forward.
- The use of time lapse is an interesting choice, but it doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose. The dialogue and actions of the characters could have been shown in real time without losing meaning.
- Some of the dialogue feels unnatural and forced, particularly in the conversation about the job opportunity. The characters use overly expository language to describe their plan, which can make it feel like the scene exists solely to explain plot details.
- The scene's transition to Sara's bathroom feels abrupt and doesn't seem to have any thematic connection to the previous scene. It would benefit from a clearer link between the two settings.
- Overall, the scene feels lacking in emotional depth or complexity. The characters' conversations and actions don't reveal much about who they are or what they want, which can make it difficult for the audience to invest in their story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Establish the characters more clearly at the start of the scene. We need to know who Marion, Harry, and Tyrone are for us to fully invest in their conversation.

2. Show their drug use more tastefully. Instead of showing the ingestion and a time-lapse of their drug use, find a more creative way to suggest that they are taking drugs without showing it graphically. Maybe show them preparing it instead.

3. Give the conversation more depth. Right now, the dialogue feels superficial and lacks any real substance. We want to get to know these characters, their motives, and their conflicts.

4. Focus more on the conflicts and stakes of the story. What is the conflict that the characters are dealing with in this scene? What is at stake for them personally? Incorporating these elements will make for a much more engaging scene.

5. Develop the transition between scenes more effectively. The jump between the kitchen and Sara's bathroom feels abrupt and disconnected. There needs to be a smoother transition to keep the audience engaged in the story.

6. Make Sara's character more essential to the plot. The scene with Sara feels like filler material, and her character doesn't add much to the overall story. Find a way to make her character more essential to the plot, or cut the scene altogether.



Scene 8 -  An Intimate Conversation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 10
32 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT - DAY 32

(Post-sex) + (pre-sleep) = (intimate talk)

HARRY
You know something? I’ve always
thought you are the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen.

MARION
Really?

HARRY
Since the first time I met you.

MARION
That’s nice, Harry. That really
makes me feel good.

HARRY
Good for your ego, eh?

MARION
Well, I can’t say that it does it
any harm, but that’s not what I mean.
It makes me feel good all over,
like...well, you know lots of people
tell me that and it’s meaningless,
completely meaningless.

HARRY
You mean because you think they’re
putting you on?

MARION
No, no, nothing like that. I don’t
know or care if they are. I guess
maybe they really mean it, but from
them it just doesn’t mean anything
to me. When you say it, I hear it.
You know what I mean? I really hear
it.

HARRY
Someone like you could really make
it alright for me.

MARION
You think?

HARRY
Yeah. I’ve been thinking...

Harry drifts off. Marion’s interest is sparked.


(CONTINUED)
21.

32 CONTINUED: 32

MARION
What?

Harry looks at Marion. A beat. Then he gets the courage.

He jumps out of bed.

HARRY
Here.

He pulls Marion. She laughs:

MARION
What?

CUT TO:

33 INT. MARION’S KITCHEN 33

Harry in a shirt stands over Marion who’s wrapped in a sheet.

They lean over a folder on the kitchen table.

MARION
What is it?

HARRY
You remember when I told you about
the store. Well, I’ve been thinking
about it. I put together some numbers
and it’s not impossible. I think
you can do it. We should do it. We
can do it together.

MARION
How long have you been thinking about
this?

HARRY
Not so long. Since we started hanging
out.

A pause. Marion thinks.

MARION
It’s a great idea.

HARRY
Yeah?

MARION
It is. Let’s do it. Let’s open it
in the city. How do we start?



(CONTINUED)
22.

33 CONTINUED: 33

HARRY
Well, first me and Ty gotta get
money for the piece and then --

MARION
I’ll get it.

HARRY
Nah.

MARION
No, I can.

HARRY
Really? How?

MARION
How do you think? My fucking parents.

A laugh. And then they hug and kiss gently.

Harry pulls his face back a few inches from Marion’s.

HARRY
I think I’m falling in love with
you.

MARION
Think?

TIGHT SHOTS and QUICK CUTS as Harry kisses the tip of Marion’s
nose, then her eyelids, then her cheeks and her soft lips,
her chin, her neck and lastly her ear lobes.

Then he whispers in her ear:

HARRY
Marion, Marion, I love you.

FADE TO BLINDING WHITE -- THEN:

34 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX - DAY 34

We pull out of the white and into Sara’s mailbox. She peeks
in -- empty.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Harry and Marion talk about their feelings for each other and discuss a potential business venture while Sara's mailbox is empty.
Strengths "Strong character development and meaningful dialogue."
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot development and conflict."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of conveying intimacy and vulnerability between the characters of Harry and Marion. However, there are a few areas where the writing could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue can be a bit on-the-nose at times, especially with lines like "I’m falling in love with you" and "Marion, Marion, I love you." While these lines do convey the characters' emotions, they also feel a bit cliché and could benefit from more subtlety.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual description to better set the mood and tone. For example, describing the lighting or the way the characters are positioned in the bed could help convey the intimacy and vulnerability even more effectively.

Overall, while this scene is effective in its portrayal of intimacy and vulnerability, it could benefit from more nuanced dialogue and stronger visual description.
Suggestions This scene is lacking in specificity and emotional depth. The dialogue feels overly generic and lacks natural flow. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Add more physical actions for the characters to enhance the intimacy and make the scene more visually interesting. For example, instead of just talking in bed, have Marion tracing patterns on Harry's back or Harry playing with Marion's hair.

2. Make the dialogue more specific to the characters and the situation. How do they really feel about each other and why? What are their individual motivations for opening the store, and what obstacles might they face? Adding more depth and complexity to the conversation will make it more engaging for the audience.

3. Consider adding more conflict to the scene. Right now, everything is just going smoothly between Harry and Marion, but conflict is necessary to create tension and keep the audience invested. Maybe they disagree about how to approach the store, or maybe Harry reveals something about his past that makes Marion question whether she wants to be with him.

4. Finally, consider adding more sensory details to the scene to enhance the mood and setting. For example, what does the apartment smell like? What sounds can be heard through the open window? Adding these details can help to immerse the audience in the world of the film.



Scene 9 -  The Struggle Within
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
35 INT. SARA’S KITCHEN - DAY 35

TIGHT ON kitchen clock ticking normally.

ON Sara’s breakfast -- one hard-boiled egg, half a grapefruit
and a mug of black coffee.


(CONTINUED)
23.

35 CONTINUED: 35

ON the directions in Sara’s diet book.

ON Sara -- blinking at her ’meal’, a sigh.

We watch as she tries to enjoy her breakfast.

After the food is gone she fills a glass of water. As she
sips it, she notices her hand reaching for something --
something more to eat.

TIGHT ON the kitchen clock ticking real slow. Her Timex the
same.

We see her eyes, her lips, her twitching fingers.

A quick glimpse at the fridge. She grabs her stomach and
says to it:

SARA
Stop already.
(then to herself)
You’ll feel better in the red dress
than a cheese danish.

CUT TO:

36 INT. MARION’S BATHROOM 36

Marion throws some cold water on her face. She looks at her
naked body in the mirror. She feels lifeless, drab and dead.

QUICK CUTS: Tinfoil crinkles, powder sprinkles, lighter
flicks, smoke drifts, straw sucks, a pleasure sigh...

Once again, Marion looks in the mirror.

Now she looks alive and glorious. Rays of golden light encase
her body in a gentle glow.

She cups her hands under her breasts and smiles as she turns
and poses, admiring their size and firmness.

’Not bad,’ she thinks.

CUT TO:

37 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX - DAY 37

Nothing.

CUT TO:

38 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 38

Sara tries to watch TV but the fridge beckons her.

(CONTINUED)
24.

38 CONTINUED: 38

TIGHT ON the kitchen clock, slowly, slowly ticking.

The fridge shudders. Frustrated, Sara grabs her folding
chair and heads out.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Sara struggles with her diet while Marion finds escape in drugs and Tyrone and Harry plan to get rich.
Strengths "The scene effectively creates a sense of despair and internal struggle for several characters."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant dialogue and action."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and effectively conveys the struggle of the characters with their respective issues. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Lack of Action: The scene is mostly focused on the characters' internal struggles, with very little action or movement. This can make the scene feel static and slow-paced.

2. Repetitive Imagery: The use of close-ups of clocks and mirrors to convey the passage of time and the characters' internal state is effective, but it's used multiple times throughout the scene, which can make it feel repetitive.

3. Lack of Dialogue: While the lack of dialogue can emphasize the characters' isolation and inner turmoil, it can also make the scene feel more like an internal monologue than an actual scene with characters interacting with each other.

Overall, the scene effectively conveys the characters' struggles, but it could benefit from more action and varied imagery. Adding some dialogue could also make the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Give more context to why Sara is on this strict diet. Is she trying to lose weight for a specific event? Is it for health reasons? Adding this information will help the audience connect with her character and understand her struggle.

2. Show us more of Sara's internal conflict. Instead of just watching her try to enjoy her breakfast and then grab for more food, give us insight into what she's thinking and feeling. For example, have her narrate her own thoughts or show us flashbacks to times when she was unhappy with her body.

3. Add more visual interest to the scene. Right now, it mostly consists of static shots of kitchen objects. Consider adding more movement, close-ups of Sara's face and hands, and other dynamic shots to keep the audience engaged.

4. Consider adding some subtext to the scene. For example, does the ticking of the clock represent Sara's anxiety about sticking to her diet? Is there a parallel between Sara's struggle and Marion's drug use? Adding these layers of meaning will make the scene more complex and interesting.

5. Finally, think about where this scene fits in the overall story. What is its purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters? If it doesn't serve a clear function, consider either cutting it or revising it to make it more impactful.



Scene 10 -  Sara's Diet and Gossip
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
39 EXT. SARA’S BUILDING - DAY 39

The outside of the building is lined with the old Yentas
sitting in beach chairs catching the sun. A few have
reflectors and stare up at the sun.

Sara exits her building and lets the sun hit her hair. Her
friend Rae says something first.

RAE
Ada told us. It’s gorgeous.

SARA
Thank you. We’re making it a little
darker tomorrow.

RAE
So why darker?

SARA
To match my red dress.

RAE
But now it’s looking like Lucille
Ball.

SARA
But I’m not. But soon...I’m on a
diet.

ADA
Yes, she is.

YENTA #1
Cottage cheese and lettuce?

ADA
No.

RAE
What diet you on?

SARA
Eggs and grapefruit.

RAE
Oi vay. I was on that once. Lots
of luck, Dolly.

(CONTINUED)
25.

39 CONTINUED: 39

SARA
It’s not so bad.

RAE
How long you been on already?

SARA
All day.

RAE
All day? It’s one o’clock.

SARA
So, I’m thinking thin.

Now, old Mrs. Scarlini pipes up.

MRS SCARLINI
My Rosie lost fifty pounds like that
almost.

YENTA #1
Like that?

SARA
Like what?

MRS SCARLINI
Poof.

RAE
You put her in a sweat box?

MRS SCARLINI
A doctor. He gave her pills. It
makes you not want to eat.

YENTA #1
So what’s so good about that? You
mean I’m sitting here not thinking
about chopped liver and pastrami on
rye?

MRS SCARLINI
With a slice of onion and mustard.

YENTA #2
Herring.

YENTA #1
Herring?

YENTA #2
Yeah, herring. In sour cream.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
26.

39 CONTINUED: (2) 39

YENTA #2 (CONT'D)
When the sun goes behind the building
I’m having a nosh.

ADA
You shouldn’t talk like that when
someone’s on a diet.

SARA
Eh, big deal. I’ll sneak an extra
piece of lettuce. I’m thinking thin.

RAE
The mailman...

Just then, the Mailman arrives. Sara picks up her chair and
follows him into the building. Ada, Rae and the other Yentas
follow Sara.

SARA
Goldfarb. Goldfarb. I know you
have something for Goldfarb.

MAILMAN
Let’s see. Not much around here
except at the beginning of the month
with the social security checks.

SARA
But I’m expecting something --

MAILMAN
Here we go. Something for Goldfarb,
Sara Goldfarb.

He hands her a thick manila envelope.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Sara steps outside her building and chats with the Yentas about her diet, her upcoming hair appointment, and her recent TV win. Then, the mailman arrives with a package for her.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and humorous, and the characters have distinct personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't seem to advance the plot much and the theme is unclear."
Critique The scene sets the location and introduces some of the characters, but it lacks a clear conflict or purpose. There is some banter between the characters about diets and food, but it does not advance the plot or reveal much about the characters' personalities or motivations. The arrival of the mailman and the delivery of an envelope feel like a forced plot point to end the scene. Overall, the scene needs to be more engaging and purposeful to hold the audience's attention.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve the scene is to add more conflict or tension. Right now, it's a mostly lighthearted conversation between Sara and her friends, with the only hint of conflict being her desire to lose weight. Adding a sense of urgency or danger could help keep the audience engaged. For example, maybe Sara is expecting something in the envelope that puts her in danger, or the yentas' gossip leads to a misunderstanding that causes trouble later on. Another option is to give the scene more purpose or relevance to the overall plot. Right now, it feels like a filler scene that doesn't advance the story much. Adding a plot point or character development could make it feel more essential to the narrative.



Scene 11 -  Sara's TV Application
  • Overall: 7.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
40 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 40

The Yentas follow Sara into the apartment. Yenta #2 flips
on the TV, someone else starts a pot of coffee.

ADA
So let’s see.

YENTA #1
Open it, open it.

Sara carefully opens the envelope. She takes out a
questionnaire.

RAE
So when do you go on?

(CONTINUED)
27.

40 CONTINUED: 40

SARA
They decide after you send this form.

ADA
Oh, it’s so exciting.

The other women murmur their excitement, too. Ada takes the
application from Sara and places it on the table.

ADA
OK, OK. You sit, Dolly and just
answer the questions.

Sara, a bit nervous, sits down. Ada gives her a pencil and
leans over her shoulder. The Yentas crowd around.

ADA
Name? Easy enough. S-a-r-a G-o-l-d-
f-a-r-b.

SARA
You call that a question? That kind
I take six at once.

The Yentas laugh as Sara carefully prints her name.

ADA
Address.

SARA
A breeze.

Sara fills out question after question until:

ADA
Uh-oh.

SARA
What? What?

ADA
Date of Birth.

SARA
So now you’re getting personal.
OK, I’ll tell you.

She fills it in.

ADA
Age?

SARA
So now you want me to count for you!


(CONTINUED)
28.

40 CONTINUED: (2) 40

ADA
Marital Status?

SARA
(smiles)
Wanting, needing. How about if I
win Robert Redford?

A big laugh.

ADA
Sex?

A bigger laugh.

SARA
Please?

The biggest.

ADA
That’s it, Dolly.

Sara holds the paper against her chest and says a short
prayer. The Yentas respect her silence.

Then she carefully folds it and places it in the self-
addressed envelope.

She seals it and holds the flap down for many seconds.

Then she puts it on her chair and sits on it, just to make
sure it’s sealed.

Next she tosses her head and shoulders at the refrigerator
and says to it:

SARA
Who needs you?

CUT TO:

41 EXT. SARA’S BUILDING - A MOMENT LATER 41

Sara marches out of the building waving the envelope. The
Yentas follow their friend. Victorious, they march to the
mailbox.

YENTA #1
I wonder when you’ll hear?

ADA
Maybe they’ll send you to Tavern on
the Green, that’s where they send
all the stars.

(CONTINUED)
29.

41 CONTINUED: 41

SARA
I’m eating eggs and grapefruit at
Tavern on the Green.

The ladies laugh as they follow their hero, their savior,
their victor. Suddenly, the envelope begins to glow. It
glows a brilliant white.

At the mailbox Sara kisses the envelope and drops it in the
mail slot. She closes the lid and then opens it to make
sure it has dropped into the box.

And then the ladies huddle around Sara as the blue mailbox
begins to radiate and bathe them in a cool blue light. The
Yentas ’ooooh’ and ’ahhh’.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Sara fills out a TV application form with the help of her Yenta friends and sends it off. They then celebrate on the street as the mailbox and envelope mysteriously glow.
Strengths "The scene has strong character development and humorous dialogue."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't progress the plot much and lacks conflict."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character interaction. The Yentas are portrayed as colorful characters with distinct personalities and the dialogue between them feels natural and humorous. The pacing of the scene is also well-done, with a clear progression of events that build up to the moment when Sara submits her application.

However, one potential issue with this scene is that it lacks a clear sense of conflict or stakes. While the Yentas are excited for Sara, there is no clear obstacle that she has to overcome in order to submit her application. As a result, the scene does not feel particularly dramatic or intense.

To improve this scene, the writer might consider adding some element of conflict or tension, such as another character who is competing against Sara for the same opportunity or a deadline that she has to meet. This would give the scene more urgency and make the audience more invested in the outcome. Overall, though, the scene is well-crafted and entertaining.
Suggestions The scene has strong dialogue and character interaction, but it is lacking in visual and cinematic elements. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. More active description: The scene needs more active description to create a visual for the audience. For example, instead of "Sara carefully opens the envelope," we could have "Sara tears open the envelope, her hands trembling." This would create more tension and a clearer visual for the audience.

2. Use of close-ups and camera angles: The scene could benefit from the use of close-ups and camera angles to create a more cinematic feel. For example, a close-up on Sara's face as she fills out the questionnaire would show her nervousness and uncertainty. And a wide shot of the Yentas huddled around Sara as the mailbox glows would create a striking image.

3. Incorporate music: Music can enhance the emotional tone of a scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience. Adding a score or a song in the background could add an extra layer of emotion and excitement to the scene.

4. Show, don't tell: Instead of having the characters say things like "it's so exciting," the scene could show their excitement through their actions and reactions. For example, we could see the Yentas jumping up and down with excitement, or hear them squealing with joy.

Overall, the scene has good dialogue and character interaction, but it could benefit from stronger visuals and cinematic elements to create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 12 -  Drug Deal and Daydream
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
42 INT. TYRONE’S DIVE PAD 42

Tyrone is on the phone with Brody’s Henchman. Harry sits at
the table counting twenties into a small, neat pile.

TYRONE
Dynamite? Dynamite. Dynamite!
Alright, we’s on the way.

Tyrone hangs up.

TYRONE
Brody’s man says it’s real fine shit.

HARRY
Alright. Here we go.

TYRONE
Here we go.

HARRY
(serious)
Let’s do this right.

TYRONE
Naturally.

Tyrone takes the money and slaps Harry five. Exit Tyrone.

Harry spins some vinyl, rolls a joint, sparks it and takes a
few pokes. He starts grooving with the music as his
nervousness dissolves.

Then something is off and Harry feels it. He stops the
turntable.



(CONTINUED)
30.

42 CONTINUED: 42

Suddenly, it’s a sunny day in Tyrone’s bedroom. The back
wall is gone and stretching into the sea is --

43 THE CONEY ISLAND PIER 43

Now, strolling with a baby carriage is a woman in a red dress.
It’s Marion.

Harry watches her from Tyrone’s apartment.

He calls for her but she keeps going. He chases after her.

He’s trying to get a glimpse into the carriage. Finally,
Marion hears him and she spins around. She smiles and waves.

She reaches into the carriage to pick something up. Harry
is almost with her. He keeps running.

And just as he’s about to get a peek, he stops. He hears a
key in a lock.

He spins round and we --

CUT BACK TO:

44 INT. TYRONE’S DIVE PAD - NOW 44

Tyrone enters the room with a big-ass, shit-eatin’ grin on
his face.

He drops a little package on the table.

TYRONE
There it is, Jim.

HARRY
Huh?

TYRONE
There it is.

Harry snaps out of it and he looks at the package.

TYRONE
Shall we try?

HARRY
Wait, Ty. This is our chance to
make it big and I mean really big.
We don’t have to be dealin’ in no
petty-ass pieces all our lives. We
play it right an’ we can get a pound
of pure, but if we get wasted we’ll
fuck it up.


(CONTINUED)
31.

44 CONTINUED: 44

TYRONE
Right, on, baby, ahm not jivin’ you.
Ah doan’ want to be runnin’ no streets
the res’ of mah life in no ripped
sneakers, mah nose runnin’ down to
mah chin. All we gotta do is have a
little taste so we know how much to
cut it.

HARRY
Fair enough.

Palms slap, then: flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush,
sigh...

And: flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

Tyrone and Harry look at each other with flush faces and
hanging heads.

They grin at each other.

TYRONE
Sheeit...

Then they laugh and laugh and laugh.

CUT TO:

45 EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY 45

Marion sits in front of the Wonder Wheel watching the summer
crowd play.

She unpacks the shopping bag next to her. She pulls out
some sketch pads, pencils, charcoal and a sharpener.

She stares at the blank page. A moment later, she begins to
sketch.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Tyrone and Harry plan to make it big with a drug deal, while Sara fills out a TV application with the help of her Yenta friends and celebrates on the street. Harry takes drugs to relieve his nervousness, leading to a daydream of Marion with a baby carriage on the Coney Island Pier.
Strengths "The scene sets up the drug deal plot point and also offers a glimpse into Harry's daydreams about the woman he loves. Sara's subplot also adds some lightness and comic relief."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger and some of the character motivations could be more clearly established."
Critique The scene has a clear setup and progression, but the pacing seems off. The sudden transition to Harry's hallucination comes out of nowhere and is a bit jarring. It doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose in advancing the story or character development. Additionally, the dialogue is a bit repetitive and lacks subtlety in conveying the characters' motivations and goals. Overall, the scene could benefit from more nuanced pacing and dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the transition from Harry's hallucination to the present moment when Tyrone enters with the drugs. It may be helpful to establish a clearer visual cue, such as Harry rubbing his eyes or shaking his head, to indicate that he's snapped out of it and is back in reality. Additionally, it could be beneficial to add more sensory detail to the scene to enhance the audience's immersive experience, such as describing the specific sounds and smells of the drugs as they're being consumed. Finally, it may be useful to foreshadow the consequences of the characters' drug use in order to increase dramatic tension and emphasize the danger of their actions.



Scene 13 -  Food Temptations and Drug Deals
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
46 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 46

Sara sits in her chair trying to watch TV.

But she can’t concentrate. The kitchen clock ticks terribly
slowly. So does her Timex.

Everywhere she looks in the room steaming hot food appears.

Over there, by her plants, is a bacon doublecheese burger.

Then over there, by the lamp, is a chocolate-covered eclair.


(CONTINUED)
32.

46 CONTINUED: 46

She grabs a glass of water and downs it.

She turns to the fridge. It shudders at her. She screams
at it:

SARA
Shut up!

Suddenly the fridge door becomes transparent. She can see
all the produce in her stuffed fridge beckoning her.

She turns away and goes into --

47 THE BEDROOM 47

She flips off the light and tries to sleep.

She closes her eyes but they pop open. Then slowly her beige
ceiling disappears and turns into a clear blue sky with puffy,
white clouds. Then it dissolves into a sizzling, juicy pizza-
pie.

Sara twists and turns. Then the pie turns into a chocolate-
covered cherry. Then it becomes a bagel smothered with lox,
onions and crowned with a healthy slice of tomato.

There’s no hope. Sara sits up in her bed and reaches for
the phone. She dials.

MRS SCARLINI
(off-screen)
Hello?

SARA
Louise, it’s Sara. I need the number
of that doctor.

CUT TO:

48 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 48

on Harry looking hollow.

HARRY
Why do you have to see him for krist’s
sake? Cut the son of a bitch loose.

Marion is dressing herself up in front of the mirror. She
looks like a million bucks in a chic black dress. She
carefully applies her lipstick.

MARION
I don’t want him mentioning to my
parents that I have stopped therapy.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
33.

48 CONTINUED: 48

MARION (CONT'D)
They’re already pissed at me and
they’re thinking of cutting me off.

Marion turns and touches Harry’s face tenderly.

MARION
Sweetheart, I am not going to sleep
with him. He’s got some issue with
womanly blood so I told him I’m on
the rag. He’s planning on going
home after the concert.

Harry tries not to sulk, but his chin dips. Then Marion
chuckles but Harry doesn’t respond. Suddenly, she hugs him
and squeals with absolute glee.

MARION
Oh Harry, you’re jealous!

Harry half-heartedly tries to push her away but Marion doesn’t
let him.

MARION
Come on, sweetheart, put your arms
around me, come on, please!?
Please!?

She lifts his hands and puts them on her shoulders as she
snuggles deeper into him. Then she starts kissing him on
the ears, eyelids and neck and soon he starts to giggle.

HARRY
Come on, stop, stop you crazy girl
or I’ll bite you on the throat.

They laugh as they tickle each other and cover each other in
kisses.

CUT TO:

49 INT. RAOUL’S CAFE - NIGHT 49

A fancy French pretension -- two plates of frogs’ legs, two
glasses of Cinzano with twists, and a stunning Marion with a
dumpy Arnold the Shrink.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
I’m disappointed that you are
indisposed.

MARION
Is Anita out of town or something?



(CONTINUED)
34.

49 CONTINUED: 49

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
Why do you ask?

MARION
I’m just curious if she’s
’indisposed’.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
(taken aback)
Marion. No she’s fine.

MARION
Can I ask you something personal,
Arnold?

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
What is it?

Arnold leans in. Then she fucks with him. She tells him
he’s got something on his face when he doesn’t. She tortures
him until all she can do is laugh.

CUT TO:

50 EXT. PROJECTS - NIGHT 50

Sodium streetlight pops as Tyrone cold lamps by a beat-up
bodega.

A black hand slaps Tyrone money. The money slides into his
pocket. Tyrone’s eyes swish left then right. He slips
something out from behind the tire of a parked car. And
slaps a bag of white powder back.

Pop, slap, slide, swish, slip, slap! Again. And again.

And again.

CUT TO:

51 EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE PROJECTS - NIGHT 51

Neon crackle as Harry chills outside an OTB.

A white hand slaps Harry money. The money slips into his
pocket. Harry’s eyes swish right then left. He clinks
something out of a trash can. And he slaps a bag of white
powder back.

Crackle, slap, slip, swish, clink, slap! Again. And again.

And again.

CUT TO:
35.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Sara struggles with her diet, while Marion finds escape in drugs, and Tyrone and Harry plan to get rich.
Strengths "The various storylines weave together well, and the characters are interesting and relatable."
Weaknesses "The tone of the scene is somewhat scattered and lacks a cohesive emotional arc."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I am not equipped to assess the quality of the scene from an objective standpoint. However, I can provide some feedback based on general screenwriting principles.

The scene seems to lack a clear plot and purpose to move the story forward. The focus on Sara's food cravings and Marion's meeting with Arnold the Shrink appears to be irrelevant to the overall story arc. Additionally, the transitions between the different character perspectives and locations are abrupt and jarring.

The dialogue could also benefit from some improvement to make it more natural and engaging. Some of the lines feel forced and do not contribute much to the characterization or development of the story.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening and restructuring to ensure that it serves a clear purpose in advancing the story while also improving the dialogue and transitions.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would be to focus on the conflict and the characters' motivations. Right now, there is no clear conflict or motivation driving the characters' actions.

To improve the scene, it could be useful to establish the characters' goals and desires more explicitly. For example, why is Sara craving food so much? Is she dealing with emotional issues that are causing her to overeat? Is Marion really just seeing the shrink to appease her parents, or is there more to it? And what is Harry's motivation for buying drugs? Is he trying to escape from his problems or is he just looking for a good time?

Establishing these motivations and conflicts would help make the scene more engaging and the characters more relatable. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to be more natural and effective, and the scene could benefit from additional visual cues and details to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 14 -  Dreaming and Dealing
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
52 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT - LATER 52

Harry spins Marion around.

HARRY
We’re on our way, baby, we’re really
on our way.

MARION
Harry.

HARRY
It was great out there. Everyone’s
thirsty.

MARION
I’m so glad. And baby, I’m drawing
again. I’m drawing. I can’t stop.

Marion takes out her sketchbook. She shows him her sketches.

Harry and Marion lean into each other, suddenly hugging each
other, kissing, dreaming and believing.

CUT TO:

53 INT. DOCTOR PILL’S EXAMINING ROOM 53

A Skinny Nurse weight and measures Sara

SKINNY NURSE
How are you?

SARA
Fine, that’s why I’m here.

They both laugh. The Nurse takes Sara’s blood pressure.

SKINNY NURSE
How’s your hearing and vision?

SARA
I have both.

The Nurse laughs again.

SKINNY NURSE
Now, wait just a minute.

The nurse smiles and leaves.

A moment later, Doctor Pill enters. He looks at the chart
the Nurse filled out and then he smiles at Sara.



(CONTINUED)
36.

53 CONTINUED: 53

DOCTOR PILL
I see you’re a little overweight.

SARA
A little? I have fifty pounds I’m
willing to donate.

DOCTOR PILL
We can take care of that, no problem.

CUT TO:

54 HIP-HOP MINI-MONTAGE 54

TIGHTS of dope being cut, plastic bags being filled, Tyrone
and Harry dealing, Marion sketching and sewing, Harry and
Marion kissing, Harry spinning tunes, flick, sizzle, snap,
suck, slap, rush, sigh and crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift,
suck, sigh...

CUT TO:

55 INT. TYRONE’S CLOSET 55

Harry and Tyrone neatly stuff a shoe box full of money.

They put a rubber band around the box and hide it in the
back of the closet.

Harry gives Tyrone five, Tyrone gives Harry five.

CUT TO:

56 INT. EMPTY STORE - DAY 56

In photographs, a straight Real Estate Agent shows Harry and
Marion around the empty store.

57 OUTSIDE 57

The Agent snaps a photo of the lovers in front of the store.

CUT TO:

58 INT. SARA’S KITCHEN 58

On the table in front of her are four bottles of pills and
the instructions.

SARA
Purple in the morning. Red in the
afternoon. Orange in the evening.
(MORE)



(CONTINUED)
37.

58 CONTINUED: 58

SARA (CONT'D)
(to the refrigerator)
That’s my three meals, Mr Smarty
Pants.
(then to herself)
Green at night. Just like that.
One, two, three, four...

She pops a purple: a pill cap pops off, pill hits hand, mouth
gulps, pill cap snaps on.

Then she heads to the fridge and makes herself a smoked fish
and cream cheese sandwich on an onion Kaiser roll.

She shows off to the fridge as she devours it.

Then she makes a cup of coffee: an empty pot tinkles into
place, the coffee perks, the coffee drips, and then Sara
slurps, slurps, slurps.

She picks up the remote and flips on the set but she can’t
seem to sit down, so she heads outside with her chair.

CUT TO:

59 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX - DAY 59

She peeks in for anything -- nothing.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","crime","comedy"]

Summary Harry and Marion celebrate their success in dealing drugs while Sara visits the doctor and starts a new diet regimen
Strengths "Strong character moments and interactions, realistic depiction of drug use and drug dealing"
Weaknesses "Lack of clear direction and focus in the plot"
Critique The scene contains multiple mini-scenes that are not necessarily connected to each other. The transitions between these mini-scenes are abrupt and jarring. For example, the transition from a romantic moment between Harry and Marion to a medical examination scene is sudden and confusing. The audience is left with unanswered questions, such as why Sara is at the doctor's office and what relevance it has to the story.

Additionally, the dialogue in the scene is lacking. It is limited to basic exchanges that do not reveal much about the characters or move the plot forward. There is also a lack of description and visual imagery, resulting in a lack of engagement for the audience.

Overall, the scene would benefit from smoother transitions, more descriptive language, and dialogue that reveals important information about the characters and advances the plot.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene can benefit from more descriptive actions and details. This can help the audience visualize the scene better and engage with the characters.

For example, instead of just "Harry spins Marion around," the action can be described in more detail, such as "Harry grabs Marion's hand and twirls her around, her hair flying in the air. Marion laughs and looks up at Harry with adoration."

Additionally, the scene can benefit from some conflict or tension, as it currently feels very happy-go-lucky and lacks stakes. Perhaps there can be some foreshadowing of future conflicts, or some internal struggles the characters are facing that are hinted at.

Lastly, the transitions between scenes could be smoother. Instead of just cutting to the new scene abruptly, there can be some transitional shots or sounds to ease the transition and create a smoother flow.



Scene 15 -  Gifts, Drugs and Cleaning
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
60 INT. CONEY ISLAND ARCADE 60

Marion and Harry play skeeball. Marion hits a fifty and
smiles. Harry stops playing.

HARRY
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.

MARION
Huh?

HARRY
For my mom. I’ve been thinking of
getting something for her, you know,
some kind of present, but I didn’t
know what to get.

MARION
Well?

HARRY
I finally asked myself, what’s her
fix? Television, right?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
38.

60 CONTINUED: 60

HARRY (CONT'D)
If ever there’s a TV junkie it’s the
old lady. I figure maybe I owe her
a new one anyway with all the wear
and tear her set got from being
schlepped back and forth to old Abe’s.

MARION
You really love her, don’t you?

HARRY
I don’t know. I guess so. One time
I feel one way and the other time I
feel something else. Most of the
time I just want her to be happy.

MARION
Let’s go get it now.

HARRY
Well...

MARION
C’mon.

HARRY
I don’t wanna deal with salesman...

MARION
Oh, come on.

HARRY
(gets an idea)
Well, let’s push off first.

MARION
It’s still early. We shouldn’t get
going till tonight.

HARRY
Yeah, I know, but this is different.
After all, I was always usin’ the
old lady’s set to cop money so now
we’ll use a little stuff to get her
a set.

Marion doesn’t fight him.

Then there’s the: flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush,
sigh...

And: crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift, suck, sigh...

CUT TO:
39.



61 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 61

Coffee: tinkle, perk, drip, slurp, slurp, slurp... and Pill:
pop, hit, gulp, snap...

Sara starts to clean the apartment.

Time races by as she intricately cleans every single square
inch of the kitchen. She cleans the inside of the fridge
and dumps all the food.

Next, she moves into the living room and continues to clean.

Then everything slows down.

Sara collapses into her viewing chair in front of the TV.

She tries to watch but she’s squirming in her seat.

Then she notices something wrong. She’s not sure what so
she heads into --

62 THE BATHROOM 62

In the mirror, she stares at her clenched teeth grinding.

She wonders what this means. She shrugs and takes the green
pill: pop, hit, gulp, snap...

63 BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM 63

-- Sara sits in front of the TV and watches Tappy Tibbons
preach. Slowly she dozes off.

CUT TO:

64 INT. TYRONE’S DIVE PAD 64

Tyrone’s old pad has been spruced up. It’s filled with tons
of cool toys. It looks like Christmas morning.

Beautiful and very young Alice lies naked in the giant bed
staring at Tyrone.

He sits naked at his desk playing with flip books. First
there’s a wacky duck dancing, then there’s a crying GI
soldier.

ALICE
Why dontcha come back to bed, honey?

TYRONE
Sheeit, plenty time for that, woman,
I got me a cool-ass toy ahm groovin’
behind.

(CONTINUED)
40.

64 CONTINUED: 64

Tyrone picks up another flip book and lets things rip. The
animation suddenly turns into live action and we are following
the back of a little boy.

The boy runs across a black room into the arms of a beautiful
woman.

The boy is Young Tyrone and the woman is Tyrone’s Mother.

YOUNG TYRONE
I told ya, Ma. One day I’d make it.

TYRONE’S MOTHER
You don’t have to make anything.
You just gotta love your momma.

The image of boy and mother dies when the flip book ends.

Tyrone looks at it sadly.

ALICE
What are you doing, honey?

TYRONE
Thinking about you, baby, and what
I’m gonna do to ya.

Tyrone leaps onto the bed and Alice squeals playfully.

ALICE
Don’t do that, Tyrone. You’ll scare
me to death.

TYRONE
Oh little momma, I wouldn’t want to
scare you...I doan’ want to scare
nobody. All I want from life is no
hassles and some peace and
harmony...an’ I want it from the
finest fox that ever lived.

CUT TO:

65 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX - DAY 65

Still empty...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry and Marion plan to buy a TV for Harry's mother. Sara struggles with her diet and takes pills as she cleans her apartment. Tyrone plays with flip books while Alice is naked in bed, and they talk about their ideal life.
Strengths "Strong characterization and natural dialogue."
Weaknesses "Slow pace and lack of conflict."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

One issue is that the scene is somewhat lacking in action. The characters are simply playing skeeball and talking, which may not be particularly engaging to viewers. Adding some physical movement or external conflict could make the scene more interesting.

Another issue is that the dialogue is somewhat on-the-nose. The characters explicitly state their thoughts and feelings rather than showing them through their actions or subtext. This can make the scene feel less nuanced and less realistic. Adding more subtext or ambiguity to the characters' words could make the scene more engaging and thought-provoking.

Finally, the last few lines of the scene feel out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene. While the mailbox itself may be a relevant plot point, it feels like an abrupt shift from the characters in the arcade. Finding a way to connect the two elements more organically could make the scene feel more cohesive and purposeful.
Suggestions Overall, this scene needs more conflict and tension to propel the story forward. Here are some suggestions:

- Increase the stakes of Harry's decision to buy a new TV for his mother. Perhaps he is low on money and cannot afford it, or he realizes he needs the money for something else important. This will create more tension in the scene and also reveal more about Harry's character.
- Show more of Marion's reaction to Harry's confession about his feelings for his mother. Does she sympathize with him or feel uncomfortable? Adding more emotional depth to their conversation will enhance the scene.
- Consider adding a sense of urgency to Sara's cleaning and pill-popping. Perhaps she's expecting someone important to visit soon, or she is running out of time to complete a task. This will add more tension and intrigue to her story arc.
- End the scene on a cliffhanger or plot twist to keep the audience engaged. For example, maybe Sara discovers something unexpected in the bathroom that hints at a larger mystery, or Harry and Marion encounter a problem while trying to buy the TV. Leaving the audience wanting more will help keep them invested in the story.



Scene 16 -  The Mailman's Visit
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
66 INT. SARA’S BUILDING - DAY 66

Pop, hit, gulp, snap and tinkle, perk, drip, slurp, slurp,
slurp...



(CONTINUED)
41.

66 CONTINUED: 66

The Yentas all rise when Sara comes out and they move their
chairs so that she can have her proper seat in the sun.

YENTA #1
Sara, you know yet when?

YENTA #2
Are you hearing anything?

SARA
Nothing yet.

ADA
You can bring friends?

SARA
How should I know?

ADA
They should let you bring at least a
schlepper. Who’s going to carry
home all those prizes?

SARA
Believe me, I’ll get them home.

Especially Robert Redford. For him I don’t need a schlepper.

But Sara is having a hard time sitting still. She looks up
and down the street for the Mailman and paces around her
friends.

They watch her with a bit of concern. Then Mrs Scarlini
comes out of the building for sunning. Sara grabs her and
hugs her.

SARA
I love you forever. I can’t believe
it but I’m not even thinking of food.
If you put down a big bowl of chicken
noodle soup I wouldn’t eat it. Thank
you so much, Rosie. Thank you!

CUT TO:

67 INT. TYRONE’S NEW PAD 67

Alice and Tyrone make some crazy love. Arms flail, teeth
bite, mouths scream. Some crazy love.

CUT TO:

68 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 68

Sara stands in front of the mirror trying on the red dress.

(CONTINUED)
42.

68 CONTINUED: 68

The dress won’t close.

Pop, hit, glup, snap...

The red dress gets a little closer.

Pop, hit, glup, snap...

The dress gets even closer.

CUT TO:

69 INT. TAXI CAB - MOVING 69

Harry squirms in the back seat wearing a sharp new pair of
slacks, a sports shirt and a pair of new shoes.

He nervously pats down his hair and adjusts his collar.

CUT TO:

70 EXT. SARA’S BUILDING 70

The Yentas all admire Sara’s slim figure until the Mailman
approaches. Everyone turns to him--hoping...

He grins and shakes his head.

MAILMAN
When I see it I’ll be waving it all
over the place.

The Mailman enters the building.

A cab pulls up. Harry steps out. He stares at the
intimidating line of Yentas.

Sara stares for a brief second not computing this apparition.

Then she jumps up and wraps her arms around him, almost
knocking him off balance.

SARA
Harry!

She kisses him and he kisses her. She’s so excited she kisses
him again.

HARRY
Hey, take it easy, Ma, you’ll crush
me.

He gives her a quick smile as he adjusts his clothes.



(CONTINUED)
43.

70 CONTINUED: 70

SARA
Come, come inside, Harry. I’ll make
you a pot of coffee and we’ll have a
visit.

She grabs his hand and heads to the entrance.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Sara waits for TV opportunity, Alice and Tyrone have sex, Sara struggles with her diet, Harry takes drugs to calm his nerves, Harry and Marion celebrate drug dealing success, Sara visits the doctor for a new diet regimen, and Harry plans to buy a TV for his mother.
Strengths
  • Strong character interactions
  • Realistic portrayal of struggle with weight and diet
  • Good use of small moments to build tension and excitement
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development
  • Some slow pacing
  • Limited emotional impact
Critique Overall, this scene has good dialogue that captures the banter and concern of the Yentas. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, the scene starts with a list of sounds, which doesn't add much to the story or character development. It might be better to start with the Yentas themselves.

Second, the scene jumps abruptly to Tyrone and Alice's lovemaking, which doesn't seem to have any connection to the scene with the Yentas. It might be better to cut this scene or move it to another part of the script.

Third, the scene doesn't have much description of the characters' actions or expressions. This makes it hard to visualize the scene and connect with the characters. Adding more description would help the scene come alive.

Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to improve its focus and clarity.
Suggestions



Scene 17 -  A Son's Apology
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
71 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 71

Sara makes a pot of coffee as she bustles around grabbing
cups, saucers, spoons, milk and napkins.

Harry stares wide-eyed at his hyperactive mother. He tries
to get a word in but can’t.

SARA
And how are you, Harry, you’re looking
so good. You want something to eat?

HARRY
No, Ma --

SARA
A little nosh, maybe, or cake, I’ll
go get some if you want, but I don’t
have anything in the house but Ada
will have something, a cupcake, maybe.

HARRY
No --

Finally, the coffee is ready and she fills two cups.

SARA
You want something to eat?

HARRY
(almost screams)
No, Ma. Nothing. Sit. Sit, for
krist’s sake. You’re making me dizzy.

SARA
You notice something? You notice
I’m slimmer?

HARRY
Yeah, yeah, I guess you are, Mom.

SARA
Twenty-five pounds. You believe it?
Twenty-five pounds and that’s just
the beginning.


(CONTINUED)
44.

71 CONTINUED: 71

HARRY
That’s great, Ma. That’s really
great, I’m really happy for ya.
But sit down, eh?

Sara sits, Harry is bewildered.

HARRY
I’m sorry I haven’t been around for
awhile, Ma, but I’ve been busy, real
busy.

Sara nods as she clenches her jaw.

SARA
You got yourself a good job?
You’re doing well?

HARRY
Yeah, Ma, real good.

SARA
What kind of business?

HARRY
Well, I’m sort of a distributor,
like. For a big importer. My own.

SARA
Oh, I’m so happy for you.

Sara gets up and smothers Harry with kisses.

HARRY
Hey, Ma, easy, eh? You’re killing
me. Krist, whatta ya been doin’,
liftin’ weights?

SARA
Your own business. Oh Harry, I knew
when I saw you that you had your own
business. I always knew that you
could do that.

HARRY
(smiles)
Yeah, Ma, you were right. I made it
just like you said I would.

SARA
So now maybe you’ll meet a nice girl
and have a baby?

HARRY
I already met one --

(CONTINUED)
45.

71 CONTINUED: (2) 71

Sara squeals and squeaks and starts to jump out of her chair.

Harry holds his arms up in front of him.

HARRY
Jesus krist, Ma, don’t go ape shit,
eh?

SARA
Is she a nice girl? Who’s her
parents? What --

HARRY
You know’er, Ma. Marion. Marion
Silver. Remember, they --

SARA
Oh, Silver. Of course. I know
Manhattan Beach. He’s got a house
on the esplanade. Garment business.

HARRY
Yeah, yeah, he’s big in women’s
undies.

Harry chuckles. Sara is so happy, she can’t stay sitting.

She refills their cups.

HARRY
Before you go bouncin’ all over again
and make me forget, what I want to
tell ya is I got you a present and --

SARA
Harry, I don’t want a present, just
have a baby.

HARRY
Later for that, eh? Will you let me
tell you what I got, eh? Will ya?

Sara nods, grins, grinds and clenches.

HARRY
Krist, you’re really something else
today. Look, I know... well...
(deep breath)
What I’m trying to say is
that...well...
(shrugs)
Well...I know I ain’t been the best
son in the world --



(CONTINUED)
46.

71 CONTINUED: (3) 71

SARA
Oh, Harry, you’re a good --

HARRY
No, no! Please, Ma, let me finish.
I’ll never get it out if you keep
interrupting me.
(deep breath)
I’m sorry for being such a bastard.
(stop -- breathe --
sigh)
I wanna make it up. I mean, I know
I can’t change anything that’s
happened, but I want ya to know that
I’m sorry and I love ya, and I wanna
make it right.

SARA
Harry, it’s --
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Sara makes coffee and offers Harry food. She reveals her weight loss. Harry tells her about his drug dealing business and that Marion is his girlfriend. Sara is thrilled. Harry apologizes for being a bad son and promises to make it right.
Strengths "The emotional depth and tension between the characters was palpable. The dialogue was well-written, with each character speaking authentically and honestly. The scene showed a pivotal moment in the relationship between Harry and Sara."
Weaknesses "The scene primarily featured just two characters, so there wasn't as much opportunity for interaction with others. The dialogue between Harry and Sara, while well-written, could have been fleshed out a bit more."
Critique The scene is well-written and has good dialogue between the two characters, but it lacks clear tension and conflict. The dialogue feels more like small talk, rather than a meaningful conversation that drives the story forward. The actions of the characters do not add to the plot, making the scene feel unnecessary. Overall, the scene could benefit from more conflict and a stronger purpose to advance the story.
Suggestions 1. Take time to establish the mood of the scene and the relationship between the characters before jumping into dialogue.
2. Use visual cues to convey the hyperactivity of the mother instead of relying solely on dialogue.
3. Show more emotion and depth in the characters, especially in Harry's apology.
4. Cut down on excessive dialogue, especially repetition.
5. Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to add more layers to the scene.



Scene 18 -  Harry Learns About His Mother's Diet
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
HARRY
I don’t know why I do those things.
I don’t really want to do them. It
just sort’ve happens, I guess. I
don’t know. It’s all kinda goofy
somehow, but I really do love ya,
Ma, and I want you to be happy so I
got ya a brand new TV set. It’s
gonna be delivered in a couple a
days. From Macy’s.

Sara squeals, but Harry wards her off with his hands. She
sits down, grins and grinds her teeth.

SARA
Oh, Harry, you’re such a good boy.
Your father would be so happy to see
what you’re doing for your poor,
lonely mother.

Harry leans over and gives her an honest, open and perfectly
beautiful kiss.

SARA
You see that, Seymour? You see how
good your son is? He knows how lonely
his mother is living all alone, no
one to make her a visit...

Harry feels pretty good as he listens to his mother until
something puzzles him. He stops hearing his mother and now
he suddenly hears some other, strange sound. What is it?

He looks around until he looks at his mother. Suddenly he
is filled with surprise, disbelief and confusion.

(CONTINUED)
47.

71 CONTINUED: (4) 71

The noise he hears is his mother’s teeth grinding.

TIGHT ON Sara’s mouth. Harry leans across the table.

HARRY
Hey, Ma, you droppin’ uppers?

SARA
What?

HARRY
You on uppers?
(getting angry)
You’re on diet pills, ain’t ya?

Sara is suddenly stunned. She’s completely bewildered.

SARA
On? On? What is on?

HARRY
How come ya lost so much weight?

SARA
I told you, I’m going to a specialist.

HARRY
A specialist. What kinda specialist?

SARA
What kind? A specialist. For weight.

HARRY
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
You’re makin’ a croaker for speed,
ain’t ya?

SARA
Harry, you alright?
(shrugs)
I’m just going to a doctor. I
don’t know from croaker, making --

HARRY
What does he give ya, Ma? Eh?
Does he give ya pills?

SARA
Of course he gives me pills. He’s a
doctor. Doctors give pills.

HARRY
What kind of pills?



(CONTINUED)
48.

71 CONTINUED: (5) 71

SARA
What kind. A purple one, red one,
orange and --

HARRY
No, no, I mean what kind?

SARA
They’re round...and flat.

HARRY
(rolls eyes)
I mean, like what’s in them?

SARA
Harry, I’m Sara Goldfarb, not Albert
Einstein. How should I know what’s
in them?

HARRY
Look, Ma, does that stuff make you
feel good sort of and give you lots
of pep?

SARA
(nods)
Well, I guess maybe a little.

HARRY
A little? Jesus, I can hear ya
grinding ya teeth from here.

SARA
But that goes away at night.

HARRY
At night?

SARA
When I take the green one. In thirty
minutes I’m asleep. Poof, just like
that.

Harry shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

HARRY
Hey, Ma, ya gotta cut that stuff
loose. It’s no good.

SARA
Who said it’s no good? Twenty-five
pounds I lost.




(CONTINUED)
49.

71 CONTINUED: (6) 71

HARRY
Big deal. Do ya wanna be a dope
fiend fa krist’s sake?

SARA
What’s this dope fiend? Am I foaming
at the mouth? He’s a nice doctor.

HARRY
Ma, I’m telling ya this croaker’s no
good.

SARA
How come you know so much? How come
you know more about medicine than a
doctor?

HARRY
(deep sigh)
I know, Ma, believe me, I know.
You’ll get strung out fa krist’s
sake.

SARA
C’mon. I almost fit in my red dress,
the one I wore at your high school
graduation. The one your father
liked so much. I remember how he
looked at me in the red dress. It’s
not long after that he got sick and
died and you’re without a father, my
poor baby, but thank God he saw you
happy for a little and --

HARRY
What’s with the red dress? What
does that --
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry visits his mother and brings her a new TV. While talking to her, he realizes that she's taking diet pills which he believes are dangerous and warns her about it.
Strengths "The tension between Harry and his mother provides a good conflict to move the plot forward. The dialogue feels believable and provides insight into Harry's character and his relationship with his mother."
Weaknesses "The scene is a bit slow-moving and may not have enough action for some viewers. There are also no other characters involved so it feels isolated."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of portraying the strained relationship between Harry and his mother, Sara. The dialogue feels natural and believable, and there are some moments of tension that add to the suspenseful tone of the film. However, there are a few areas where this scene could be improved.

Firstly, the description of Sara's actions and reactions could be more visual. By showing, rather than telling, the audience can better understand the emotions and motivations of the characters. For example, instead of saying that Sara is "completely bewildered," a more effective description might show her fidgeting with her hands or avoiding eye contact.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific details about the characters and their relationships. For instance, what led Harry to suspect that his mother was taking uppers in the first place? Is this a recurring issue, or is it something new? Providing more background and context would help make the characters feel more grounded and realistic.

Finally, the scene could be shortened or restructured to better serve the overall plot. While the conversation between Harry and Sara is interesting, it is also somewhat repetitive and could be condensed to maintain the film's pacing. Additionally, there could be more action or visual elements to keep the scene visually engaging and exciting.

Overall, while there are areas for improvement, this scene is well-written and engaging. With a few tweaks, it could become an even stronger part of the film.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more clarity and focus. While the dialogue between Harry and Sara is realistic in its tangents and interruptions, it could be tightened up to better communicate the important information and conflict.

One suggestion would be to have Harry come into the scene with the intention of confronting his mother about her weight loss, rather than it suddenly dawning on him in the middle of a tender moment. This would give more weight to the conflict and create more tension.

Additionally, it might be useful to explore Sara's motivations and emotions around her pill use more deeply. The audience needs to understand why she is taking them, beyond just wanting to lose weight. This will make her character more relatable and complex.

Finally, while the dialogue is mostly realistic, some of the slang and colloquialisms can come across as stale or dated. Updating the language to be more contemporary, or establishing the time period of the film more clearly, could help the scene feel more grounded and relevant.



Scene 19 -  Sara and Harry's Reunion
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
SARA
I’m going to wear the red dress
on...Oh, you don’t know. I’m going
to be on television. I got a call
and an application and --

HARRY
C’mon, Ma, who’s pullin’ ya leg?

SARA
I’m telling you I’m being a contestant
on television. They haven’t told me
when, but you’ll see, you’ll be proud
when you see your mother in her red
dress and golden shoes on television.



(CONTINUED)
50.

71 CONTINUED: (7) 71

HARRY
What’s the big deal about being on
television? Those pills’ll kill ya
before ya ever get on, fa krist’s
sake.

SARA
Big deal? You drove up in a cab.
You see who had the sun seat? You
notice your mother in the special
spot getting the sun? You know who
everybody talks to? You know who’s
somebody now? Who’s no longer just
a widow in a little apartment who
lives alone? I’m somebody now, Harry.
Everyone likes me. Soon millions of
people will see me and like me.
I’ll tell them about you and your
father. I’ll tell them how your
father liked the red dress and how
good he was to us. Remember?

Harry nods. Defeated, he stares at the floor.

SARA
And who knows what I might win? A
new refrigerator. A Rolls-Royce,
maybe. Robert Redford.

HARRY
Robert Redford?

SARA
So what’s wrong with Robert Redford?

Harry blinks and shakes his head. Bewildered, he surrenders
to her flow.

Sara looks at her entire family and a softness overtakes
her.

SARA
It’s not the prizes, Harry. It
doesn’t make any difference if I win
or lose. It’s like a reason to get
up in the morning. It’s a reason to
lose weight so I can be healthy.
It’s a reason to fit in the red dress.
It’s a reason to smile, already. It
makes tomorrow alright.
(close to Harry now)
What have I got, Harry? Why should
I even make the bed or wash the
dishes?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
51.

71 CONTINUED: (8) 71

SARA (CONT'D)
I do them, but why should I? I’m
alone. Seymour’s gone, you’re gone,
I have no one to take care of.
Anybody. Everybody. What do I have?
I’m lonely, Harry. I’m old.

Harry fidgets, his eyes blink, he tries:

HARRY
You got friends, Ma. What --

SARA
It’s not the same. You need someone
to make for. No, Harry, I like how
I feel this way. I like thinking
about the red dress and the
television...and your father and
you. Now when I get the sun I smile.

HARRY
I’ll come visit, Ma. Now that I’m
straight, my business is going good,
I’ll come. Me and Marion. Honest,
Ma. I swear. We’ll come for dinner.
Soon.

Sara shakes her head and smiles at Harry, trying hard to
believe.

SARA
Good, you bring her and I’ll make
your soup and a roast.

HARRY
That sounds great, Ma. I’ll give
you a call ahead a time, OK?

SARA
(nods)
Good. I’m glad. I’m glad you got a
nice girl and a good business. I’m
glad.

Sara gets up and hugs Harry, tears welling in her eyes.

SARA
Your father and I were always wanting
only the very best for you.
I’m glad, Harry, that you have someone
to be with. You should be healthy
and happy. And have lots of babies.
Don’t have only one. It’s no good.
Have lots of babies. They’ll make
you happy.

(CONTINUED)
52.

71 CONTINUED: (9) 71

Harry does his best to hug his mother. He fights his
desperation to get away and holds onto her.

Eventually, Sara backs away and looks into his face, smiling.

SARA
Look, I’m crying already. I’m so
happy I’m crying.

HARRY
(forces smiles)
I’m glad you’re happy, Ma. I
really love ya. An’ I’m sorry --

Sara waves his apology away -- tosh, tosh.

HARRY
I really am. But I’m goin’ ta make
it up now. You should just be happy.

SARA
Don’t worry about me. I’m used to
being alone.

A long silent beat as child and parent smile at each other.

Harry looks at his watch.

HARRY
I got to go, Ma. I have an
appointment in Manhattan in a little
bit. But I’ll be back.

SARA
Good. I’ll make for you. You still
have your key?
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Sara talks to Harry about her upcoming TV appearance, her loneliness, and the need for something to look forward to in her life. Harry promises to visit her more often and brings her a new TV. He notices that she's taking dangerous diet pills and warns her about the potential dangers.
Strengths
  • Emotionally resonant dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Memorable interaction between mother and son
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written in terms of dialogue and character development. It offers insight into the character of Sara, who is struggling with feelings of loneliness and insignificance. The dialogue between Sara and Harry reveals their complicated relationship and past, as well as their desire to connect with each other.

One aspect that could be improved upon is the lack of action or visual description in the scene. There are only a few details given, such as Sara's red dress and golden shoes, and Harry's watch. It would benefit the scene to include more visual cues to engage the reader and enhance the emotional impact of the dialogue.

Additionally, there are a few instances where the dialogue feels somewhat unrealistic or contrived. For example, when Sara suggests she might win Robert Redford, Harry's reaction seems forced and unnatural. It may be helpful to focus on making the dialogue more authentic to the characters and their relationship with each other.

Overall, however, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of its characters.
Suggestions One possible suggestion to improve the scene is to add more active behavior between the characters. Currently, most of the dialogue is exposition about the mother's upcoming TV appearance and her feelings of loneliness. To make the scene more engaging, the characters could engage in actions - for example, Sara could show Harry the red dress she plans to wear, or they could go through old photo albums of the family together. This would give the scene more visual interest and allow the characters to convey their emotions through subtle movements and gestures. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful. For example, some of the repetitive phrases like "I'm glad" could be trimmed down to make the dialogue more snappy and engaging. Finally, it might be helpful to tease out the underlying conflict in the scene - namely, Harry's guilt about not spending enough time with his mother and his fear that she is lonely. By highlighting this conflict more overtly, the scene could become more engaging and emotionally resonant.



Scene 20 -  Fall
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
HARRY
(shows her)
Yeah, I got it, Ma. I’d better hurry.
I’m late now.

SARA
Goodbye, Son.

One more kiss and hug and Harry is gone. Sara stares at the
door for many long moments.

Then she takes her orange pill -- pop, hit, glup, snap --
and washes it down with a fresh cup of coffee.

CUT TO:
53.



72 INT. MOVING CAB 72

Harry sits in the back seat filled with worry and concern.

Tears well up into his eyes until he can’t hold it any longer.
He sobs hard, real hard.

A moment later he collects himself and gets high: flick,
sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

Harry wipes away his tears.

CUT TO:

73 INT. SARA’S BEDROOM 73

Sara zips up the red dress. It closes.

She swings around gloriously and her locked jaw smiles at
herself in the mirror. Eyes glow.

And she begins to waltz by herself. Humming...

HARD CUT TO:

BLACK

ON THE SCREEN IN WHITE LETTERS: ’FALL’

CUT TO:

74 INT. BRODY’S LIMO 74

Tyrone steps into a white limo with leopardskin upholstery.

He exchanges fives with, Brody (late twenties, bespectacled,
highly intelligent looking) and his two Henchmen.

Brody doesn’t speak. He signs to Henchman #1

HENCHMAN
Brody say you coming up quick, kid.

TYRONE
Thanks, Brody.

The Henchman signs back. Then Brody responds.

HENCHMAN
Brody wants to promote you. He wants
to give you some more responsibility.
Are you interested?

TYRONE
Yeah, yeah.

(CONTINUED)
54.

74 CONTINUED: 74

HENCHMAN
Brody say, you fuck him, I’ll kill
you.
TYRONE
I wouldn’t do that, Jim.
Just then, Tyrone notices the driver’s door is open. Tyrone
points.
TYRONE
Where’s the --
Brody spins just when a White Gunman leans in through the
driver’s door with a 9mm Glock --
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Three bullets rip through Brody’s body. Blood and guts
splatter Tyrone and Brody’s dead body collapses into his
lap.
The Henchmen pull out their pieces and return fire. One
Henchman gets splattered. The other kills the White Man.
Tyrone slips and scrambles out of the limo. The White Gunman
lies dead in the street.
Tyrone runs! Frantic, with blood all over him, he runs
hyperventilating with panic until two Cops give chase.
Sirens and lights.
They catch him and slam him against the wall. Cuff wrist
one, cuff wrist two.
CUT TO:
75 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 75
Pop, hit, gulp, snap...
Sara’s living room is dominated by a gigantic, towering,
black TV. The ominous hulk of technology stares down on
Sara who sits in her lazy chair staring at the set’s cold,
dark screen.
Something is wrong.
Some coffee: tinkle, perk, drip, slurp, slurp, slurp...
Nothing. So one more:

Pop, hit, gulp, snap...

CUT TO:
55.



76 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 76

Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

Crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift, suck, sigh...

Harry and Marion lean against each other on the floor. They
stare up at the ceiling. Sketches and pieces of Marion’s
clothing lie around them.

MARION
Oh Harry, I love you. You make me
feel like a person, like I’m me and
I’m beautiful.

HARRY
You are beautiful. You’re the most
beautiful woman in the world. You’re
my dream.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Harry visits his mother, warns her about her dangerous diet pills, and brings her a new TV. In a moving cab, Harry breaks down and then gets high. Sara takes her pills and gets ready for her upcoming TV appearance. Tyrone is promoted by Brody but witnesses his murder and is chased by cops. Sara struggles with her TV that won't work, while Harry and Marion celebrate their relationship.
Strengths "Strong character development and emotional moments."
Weaknesses "Lack of clear direction for some character storylines."
Critique This scene seems to be a part of a larger story, so without context of what has happened before and after, it's difficult to provide a full critique. However, there are a few general things to note:

- The scene lacks description and action. There is a lot of dialogue, but not much else is happening. There is some mention of Sara taking a pill and Marion and Harry doing drugs, but there is no physical description of their actions. It's important to show, not just tell, what is happening on the screen.
- The dialogue is fairly bland and lacking in emotion. There's not much that makes these characters stand out, and their relationships to each other are unclear. It would be important to flesh out the characters more and give them distinct personalities and motivations.
- The transitions between scenes are abrupt and confusing. The cuts to different locations don't seem to have any clear connection to each other, and it's unclear how they fit into the larger story. The "HARD CUT TO: BLACK" and "ON THE SCREEN IN WHITE LETTERS: 'FALL'" also seem unnecessary and distracting.

Overall, this scene could use more development in terms of character, action, and plot. Without more context, it's difficult to say exactly how it fits into the larger story, but there are certainly areas that could be improved.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: Instead of the characters explicitly saying goodbye and taking pills or drugs, show their emotions and actions through their body language and facial expressions. For example, Sara could look sad and distant after Harry leaves, and she could stare blankly at the TV without turning it on. This would create a stronger visual impact and convey the characters' inner conflicts more effectively.

2. Cut unnecessary details: The scene spends a lot of time showing Harry and Sara taking pills and doing drugs, which doesn't add much to the story. Instead, focus on the main plot points and character development. For example, you could show Sara feeling conflicted about her son leaving and worrying for his safety, while Harry is struggling with his emotions and trying to stay strong.

3. Create suspense and tension: The sudden shooting and killing of Brody comes without any buildup or context, making it feel like a random event. Instead, you could add some foreshadowing or hints that something dangerous is about to happen, so that the audience is on edge and anticipating the next twist. You could also create more character development for Brody and his henchmen, so that their deaths have a greater emotional impact and meaning.



Scene 21 -  Mrs. Goldfarb takes dangerous pills
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
77 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 77

Pop, hit, gulp, snap...

Sara still sits. She feels nothing.

Coffee: tinkle, perk, drip, slurp, slurp, slurp...

Still nothing.

She picks up the bottles of pills from Doctor Pill and
examines the labels.

She looks real close.

Then she calls Doctor Pill.

SKINNY NURSE
(off-screen)
Doctor’s office?

SARA
Hello, this is Mrs Goldfarb

SKINNY NURSE
(off-screen)
No, Mrs Goldfarb, I’m absolutely
certain. I’ve checked again.

SARA
Are you sure you didn’t give me the
wrong pills?


(CONTINUED)
56.

77 CONTINUED: 77

SKINNY NURSE
(off-screen)
No.

SARA
But maybe you gave me a smaller one
the last time.

SKINNY NURSE
(off-screen)
That isn’t possible, Mrs Goldfarb.
You see, they are all the same
potency. The change is in the color.
All the purple are the same strength,
all the red, etc.

SARA
But something isn’t the same.

SKINNY NURSE
(off-screen)
You’re just becoming adjusted to
them. At first you get a strong
reaction, but after a while that
wears off and you just don’t feel
like eating. It’s nothing to worry
about, Mrs Goldfarb.

Click. Sara stares at the phone and slowly hangs it up.

She drops two pills in her hand. She stares at both pills --
shrugs and pops them: pop, hit, gulp, snap...

Then a small grin invades her face. Something’s happening.

She flips on the TV TO TAPPY:

TAPPY TIBBONS
Now let’s meet our next winner.

She’s a beautiful woman with a winning sense of humor and a
magical smile. Straight from Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, let’s
give a juicy welcome to Mrs Sara Goldfarb.

And there she is! Red, red, red. Sara smiles at Red Sara.

The audience loves her.

TAPPY AND AUDIENCE
Juice by Sara! Juice by Sara! Juice
by Sara! ooooOOOOH! Sara’s got
juice! Sara’s got juice! ooooOOOH
Sara!



(CONTINUED)
57.

77 CONTINUED: (2) 77

But back in the real world, the fridge shudders. Sara stares
at it, concerned.

CUT TO:

78 INT. HOLDING TANK - NIGHT 78

Tyrone, terrified, holds onto the bars for dear life.

Junkies and winos that seem more like ghosts and giant rats
taunt him. Until:

GUARD
(off-screen)
Love...Love, Tyrone C. Seven-
three-five. Get your shit together
and come on.

CUT TO:

79 EXT. CONEY ISLAND STREET - MOVING 79

Harry and Tyrone rap as they scam the streets searching for
a connection. They eye other junkies suspiciously.

TYRONE
How much?

HARRY
They got most of our cash. You’re
up for consortin’.

TYRONE
Sheeit.

HARRY
Angel says it’s a war between the
Italians and the Blacks. He says
Sal the Geep is keeping all the shit
down in Florida until guys like Brody
are all knocked off.

TYRONE
Sheeit.

HARRY
No one’s got a thing.

TYRONE
Except Big Tim.

HARRY
Who?



(CONTINUED)
58.

79 CONTINUED: 79

TYRONE
He’s holdin’ a nice taste.

HARRY
How much?

TYRONE
Some say a piece, others a truckload.

HARRY
Shit. Let’s go see him.

TYRONE
He’s holdin’, but he’s not sellin’.
He’s only givin’ up for pussy.

HARRY
What?

TYRONE
The only habit that muthafuck have
is pussy. He hooked on that thang.
Ah told’im ah give’im all he want,
but he say ahm not pretty enough
for’im.

Just then, a white van screeches to a halt at the corner in
front of them. The side door slides open. Two white guys
toss a dead black guy into a city garbage can.

The van screeches off. The black guy’s sneakers poke up out
of the can.

Harry and Tyrone turn around and quickly exit the scene.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","drug","family"]

Summary Sara calls her doctor's office to complain about the pills she received and eventually takes them anyway. She feels a rush of excitement and turns on the TV to watch her upcoming appearance. Meanwhile, Harry and Marion are struggling to find drugs to sell and witness a murder.
Strengths
  • Strong development of central theme
  • Effective portrayal of character desperation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations
Critique The scene starts off with a great use of sound to emphasize the emptiness and monotony of Sara’s life. However, the dialogue between Sara and the nurse felt a bit wooden and unnatural, particularly with the nurse’s repeated off-screen lines. Additionally, the transition to the holding tank and Harry and Tyrone’s conversation felt abrupt and disconnected. The dialogue in this section also felt a bit stereotypical and reliant on slang. The scene’s overall pacing could use improvement to create a smoother flow between the different moments and conversations.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene. Here are some suggestions:

1. The scene starts with a lot of sounds - pop, hit, gulp, snap, tinkle, perk, drip, slurp, slurp, slurp. This could be visually confusing for the audience. Instead, focus on visual descriptions of Sara and her surroundings to set the tone for the scene.

2. The dialogue between Sara and the Skinny Nurse could be more engaging. Perhaps Sara could ask more pointed questions to get the nurse to reveal more information about the pills.

3. The moment when Sara takes the pills should be more dramatic. This is a pivotal moment in the story where the audience should feel the weight of her decision. Adding more description and sensory detail could make this scene more impactful.

4. The conversation between Harry and Tyrone could be more focused. It feels like they are discussing too many different things at once. Streamlining the conversation to focus on their search for drugs could make the scene more cohesive.

5. The moment with the white van and the dead body feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene. This moment could be moved to a different scene or reworked to fit better with the overall flow of the story.



Scene 22 -  Withdrawal Symptoms
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
80 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 80

MARION
Well, why don’t we just stop using?

Harry, Tyrone and Marion stare at each other for a moment,
the implication of Marion’s question slowly, through much
resistance, sinking in and registering.

HARRY
Yeah, I guess we’d better.

CUT TO:
59.



81 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX 81

Still nothing.

CUT TO:

82 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 82

Pop, hit, gulp, snap...

Sara starts to circle around the lazy chair. Tighter and
tighter circles.

CUT TO:

83 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 83

We pan the apartment and see Harry, Tyrone and Marion trying
to do something, anything but nothing. But everything is
real slow and every moment is real painful.

The kitchen clock is almost moving backwards. We see their
eyes. Their sweating lips. Their twitching fingers.

CUT TO:

84 INT. SARA’S MAILBOX 84

NOPE.

CUT TO:

85 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 85

Pop, hit, gulp, snap -- and again -- pop, hit, gulp, snap...

Sara stops pacing. Out of breath, she towers over the phone.

She dials 411. Her mouth races after her speed-drenched
mind.

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR
(off-screen)
Welcome to Bell Atlantic. Number
please?

SARA
Malin & Block. Manhattan.

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR
(off-screen)
Please hold for your number.




(CONTINUED)
60.

85 CONTINUED: 85

Suddenly, the fridge shudders. Sara jumps.

CUT BACK TO:

86 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 86

Finally Marion stands up:

MARION
It’s three already. We’re making a
big deal out of nothing.

TYRONE
(a bit too willing)
Yeah, we can stop using. We proved
it. Right now.

MARION
Harry, it’s stupid to panic and think
the world’s coming to an end just
’cause we can’t score any solid
weight.

HARRY
OK, fine.

Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

AND:
Crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift,
suck, sigh...

AND THEN AGAIN:
Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap,
rush, sigh...

CUT TO:

87 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT 87

Harry and Marion twist and turn in their bed. The sheets
are covered in sweat.

Finally, Marion bolts up in bed gasping for breath. Harry
turns on the light.

HARRY
You alright?

MARION
(nods)
Must have had a bad dream, I guess.

CUT TO:


(CONTINUED)
61.

87 CONTINUED: 87

INT. MARION’S KITCHEN.

Harry fills a glass of water. He notices that the spot where
he normally shoots up in his inner arm is sore and red.

CUT BACK TO:

88 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 88

Marion is still panting when Harry returns with a glass of
water.

MARION
Maybe we should dip in now.

HARRY
It’s all we have.

MARION
Tyrone will score in the morning.

HARRY
It’s a bitch out there.

MARION
It’ll be fine, sweetheart, I just
know it will.

A long beat.

HARRY
Yeah, I guess. I’ll get the stuff.

MARION
I love you, Harry.

Relief. For now. Crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift, suck,
sigh...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry, Tyrone, and Marion struggle with quitting drugs while experiencing withdrawal symptoms, Sara continues to take her dangerous pills, and Harry and Marion worry about their drug supply.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the intense struggle of addiction and withdrawal"
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels repetitive and lacking in emotional depth"
Critique The scene is well-written and effectively creates a sense of tension and desperation as the characters struggle with their drug addiction. However, it would benefit from more visual and sensory details to fully immerse the audience in the experience. Additionally, the use of "cut to" between each location is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the scene. It would be smoother to transition between the different shots without calling attention to the cuts. Overall, the scene effectively conveys the characters' struggles with addiction and their efforts to quit, but could benefit from more visceral description and seamless transitions.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene is to add more specific details to the characters' actions and physical reactions to the situation. For example, instead of just stating that Marion circles around the lazy chair and that everyone is trying to do something, describe the way their feet shuffle, their hands fidget, and their eyes dart around the room in desperation. This will help create a more palpable sense of tension and anxiety.

Additionally, the dialogue could be made more dynamic by incorporating subtext and underlying emotions into what the characters are saying. For example, Marion suggesting to stop using could be motivated by fear rather than a genuine desire to quit, and Harry's agreement could be a facade to mask his own addiction and dependency. This will add more complexity and depth to the scene and its characters.



Scene 23 -  Search for Lyle Russel
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
89 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 89

Pop, hit, gulp, snap.

Sara downs a cup of coffee and goes to the phone.

Out of the corner of her eye she watches the fridge. She
dials a number.

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR
(off-screen)
Welcome to Malin & Block.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
62.

89 CONTINUED: 89

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR (CONT'D)
If you know your party’s extension,
please enter it now. For the
directory please press four, one,
one.

Sara presses 411.

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR
(off-screen)
Please enter the last name of the
person you are trying to reach.

SARA
Russel. Lyle Russel.

Sara starts to press some numbers.

COMPUTERIZED OPERATOR
(off-screen)
We’re sorry, there’s no one in the
directory with that name. Please
wait for an operator.

A moment later an operator answers.

WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Malin & Block.

SARA
Lyle Russel.

WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
I’m sorry, but I don’t have his name
listed on my directory.

SARA
The television.

WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
What television?

SARA
I don’t know. I want to find out.

WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Hold on a second.

Then, a loud shudder! The fridge is vibrating. Sara doesn’t
know what to do.


(CONTINUED)
63.

89 CONTINUED: (2) 89

ANOTHER WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Can I help you?

SARA
I want to speak to Lyle Russel.

ANOTHER WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Who’s that?

SARA
He called me and said I was going
to be on a show and --

ANOTHER WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Just a minute. I’ll connect you
with the programs department.

Sara waits as the phone rings and rings and the fridge
continues to vibrate unnaturally.

THIRD WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Can I help you?

SARA
I want Lyle Russel.

THIRD WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Lyle Russel? Are you sure you have
the right number?

SARA
He’s putting me on a show.

THIRD WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
A show? What show?

Still on the phone, Sara slowly walks over to the fridge.

THIRD WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
I’m afraid I don’t understand. If
you can’t tell me --

SARA
He called me and said I’m going to
be on TV and he sent me papers. I
sent them back a long time already
and I still don’t know when --


(CONTINUED)
64.

89 CONTINUED: (3) 89

THIRD WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Oh, I understand. Just a moment.

Some more clicks. Sara can barely stand. As she gets to
the fridge, it slowly stops vibrating. Sweat is building.

FOURTH WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Can I help you?

Carefully, Sara examines the fridge. She’s having a hard
time talking.

FOURTH WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Hello?

SARA
Lyle Russel.

FOURTH WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Who?

SARA
Lyle Russel?

FOURTH WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Are you sure you have the right
department?

And then, suddenly, the entire fridge quakes violently!

Sara drops the phone and runs to her bedroom. On the phone:

FOURTH WOMAN ON PHONE
(off-screen)
Hello? Hello?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Sara frantically searches for information on Lyle Russel so she can find out about her upcoming TV appearance while her fridge vibrates uncontrollably
Strengths "Tension-building, strong imagery with the vibrating fridge, good pacing"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be stronger, slightly confusing with the different operators"
Critique This scene could use some improvement in terms of clarity and pacing. Firstly, there's a lack of clear motivation for Sara's actions. She drinks coffee and goes to the phone, but we don't know why. Is she trying to find out who called her? Is she trying to reach Lyle Russel specifically? Some clearer context or dialogue would help.

Additionally, the use of off-screen dialogue from the computerized operator and multiple women on the phone can be confusing to follow. It could be helpful to differentiate them more clearly, perhaps with different voice actors if this were a production.

Finally, the pacing of the scene is slow. There's a lot of back and forth that could be trimmed down to keep the tension and momentum going. For example, the operator asking for the last name and Sara pressing buttons could be condensed to just Sara saying Lyle Russel and being put on hold.

Overall, this scene needs more clarity of motivation and streamlined pacing to fully engage the reader or viewer.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the stakes in this scene. Right now, there is some tension with the vibrating fridge, but it's not really clear why it matters. Is something dangerous happening? Is the main character in danger? It would help to add some context or foreshadowing to make the audience understand why this moment is so significant.

Another suggestion would be to streamline the dialogue. There are several different operators and women on the phone, which can be confusing and slow down the scene. It might be more effective to consolidate these characters or give them clearer roles so that the conversation feels more focused.

Finally, it would be helpful to give the character of Sara more agency in this scene. Right now, she's just waiting on the phone and reacting to the vibrating fridge, but it would be more interesting if she were actively trying to solve the problem or take control of the situation. This would give her more agency and make the scene more engaging overall.



Scene 24 -  Drug Withdrawal and Family Struggles
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
90 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT - LATE MORNING 90

Marion expectantly watches Harry on the phone. Harry hangs
up.

MARION
Well?

HARRY
Tyrone hasn’t found anything.



(CONTINUED)
65.

90 CONTINUED: 90

MARION
Nothing?

HARRY
Nothing.

MARION
What are we going to do?

HARRY
I don’t know.

MARION
Well, you have to do something.
It’s your fault we don’t have
something for the morning.

HARRY
What are you talking about?

MARION
You were all hot in the biscuit to
get off last night.

HARRY
That’s all bullshit.

MARION
You didn’t have to and we could have
had something now.

HARRY
Whatta am I gonna do? Just sit and
watch you push off and not go myself?

MARION
Then, just don’t put all the weight
on me, that’s all. And leave me
alone.

Pissed beat.

HARRY
I’m gonna go meet Ty.

CUT TO:

91 INT. TYRONE’S CLOSET 91

Harry and Tyrone open the shoe box. They grab the last cash
in it.

HARRY
Don’t worry.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
66.

91 CONTINUED: 91

HARRY (CONT'D)
We’ll fill it up again, man.
Things’ll get better soon, then we’ll
be puttin’ the bread back in the
box.

CUT TO:

92 EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT 92

Harry and Tyrone wait by a payphone on an abandoned street
corner.

HARRY
I gotta call my mom. I just don’t
know what to do with her.

TYRONE
Ahm glad ah doan’t have no one laying
that kind of heavy motha shit on me,
Jim. You honkies are too much with
that guilt shit.

HARRY
Krist, you ain’t kiddin’, man. I
sometimes think we’d be better without
moms.

TYRONE
Ah doan’ know, man. Mah mom died
when ah was eight, but I remember
she was one groovy woman. She have
seven kids, Jim, an she was all big
like an’ all the time singin’ and
smilin’. She have a big chest like
this and she used to cuddle me, Jim,
an’ ah remember how good it felt in
there an’ how sweet she smell. You
know, she sing an’ it make you feel
good all ovuh, jus’ like dope.

Small laugh in the freezing cold. Then, a Snot-faced Dealer
rounds the corner and nods to Tyrone.

93 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 93

The phone rings! Sara sticks her head out of the bedroom.

She looks at the fridge. It’s quiet and still. She sneaks
to the lazy chair and flips on the TV.

Then she answers the phone.




(CONTINUED)
67.

93 CONTINUED: 93

HARRY
(off-screen)
Hey, Ma. How ya doing?

SARA
(scared)
Oh, Harry.

HARRY
(off-screen)
I wanted to say hello, and that I’ll
visit soon.

Suddenly, the fridge hops, making a smashing noise. Sara
sinks into her chair. Sara lets out a small scream.

HARRY
(off-screen)
Ma? You --

SARA
Can you come now? For a little while?

HARRY
(off-screen)
Ma, I’m tied up. I got a lot of
irons in the fire and I have ta be
around to take care of’em.

The fridge hops again.

SARA
(at fridge)
Stop it!
(to Harry)
Not even a little visit? Please,
Harry. Come over.

HARRY
(off-screen)
Hey, Ma, will you lighten up and
stop playin’ those guilt games with
my head?

The fridge shakes and quivers like it’s laughing.

SARA
Please, Harry...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Harry and Marion argue over their lack of drugs while Tyrone and Harry search for more money. Sara continues to take her dangerous pills and experiences strange phenomena in her apartment.
Strengths "Tense and engaging conflict between the characters, realistic portrayal of addiction and its effects on relationships"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue could be tightened up, Sara's storyline feels slightly disconnected from the rest of the plot"
Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer characterization and more concise dialogue. The tension between Marion and Harry could be more subtly hinted at, rather than being explicitly stated by their argument. Additionally, Sara's fear and apprehension about the strange happenings in her apartment could be played up more for suspense. The dialogue between Harry and Tyrone also feels a bit forced and inauthentic, particularly their discussion of moms and guilt. Overall, the scene could use more work to make the characters more believable and the dialogue more engaging.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the characters. Marion wants something for the morning, but it's not clear what that is or why it's important. Harry and Tyrone are later shown taking cash from a shoebox, but it's not clear why they needed it or what they plan to do with it.

To improve the scene, the objective of each character should be clearly established. For example, Marion could want drugs for the morning to fuel her addiction, while Harry and Tyrone could be trying to find a new dealer to avoid getting caught.

Additionally, there could be more conflict between the characters. Instead of just arguing about whose fault it is that they don't have drugs, there should be a deeper underlying tension between them. This could be related to their addiction or their personal lives, and would make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual description to help set the mood and tone of the scene. The cramped, cluttered apartment and the gritty streets outside could be vividly described to create a bleak, desperate atmosphere that reflects the characters' struggles.



Scene 25 -  Struggling for a fix
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
94 INT. CITY STREETS - SAME 94

Harry takes a deep breath into the phone. Tyrone rounds the
corner, smiling.

(CONTINUED)
68.

94 CONTINUED: 94

HARRY
(into phone)
Look, Ma, I don’t want to hassle
you, okay? I loveya and I’ll see
you soon. Take care.

SARA
(off-screen)
Harry, it’s all confusing and --

Harry hangs up and the two of them rush off.

CUT TO:

95 EXT. UNDER THE BOARDWALK - NIGHT 95

Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

TYRONE
So you want to hear the news?

HARRY
What news?

TYRONE
The good news and the bad news.

HARRY
Shoot.

TYRONE
The good news is that in a couple of
days they’ll be prime on the streets.

HARRY
(psyched)
Really!
(suspicious)
Who told you?

TYRONE
Angel says Sal the Geep has sent
word to let go a couple a keys for
the Christmas season, he being a
good Christian an’ not wantin’ anybody
to be wantin’ during this glorious
season.

HARRY
You believe it?

TYRONE
I didn’t until I heard the bad news.



(CONTINUED)
69.

95 CONTINUED: 95

HARRY
Yeah...

TYRONE
The price is doubled and you have to
cop for weight, at least half a piece.

HARRY
How much?

TYRONE
Two.

HARRY
Fuckin’ insane!

TYRONE
What you gonna do? The man ain’t
goin’ to lay no nickel bag on you,
thas foe damn sure.

HARRY
Where we gonna get two?

CUT TO:

96 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 96

Marion can’t believe what Harry just suggested.

MARION
You mean Arnold?

HARRY
Well your parents won’t even take
your call.

MARION
I haven’t seen him in months.

HARRY
So what? He’s still callin’, ain’t
he?

MARION
Yes, but I don’t know.

Marion stares into Harry’s eyes -- pleading.

HARRY
Look, I don’t know what else to do.

This is our last chance to get back on track. We won’t have
ta scuffle and make that freezing scene every day. We need
the bread.

(CONTINUED)
70.

96 CONTINUED: 96

MARION
Getting the bread is not the
problem, Harry --

HARRY
Then what’s the problem, fa krist’s
sake?

MARION
I just don’t know what I’ll have to
do to get it.

Harry gets it. Marion gets it. But for Harry, this is too
important. He gets down and holds her hand:

HARRY
Look baby, this is our last chance
to get back on track. We’ll be back
in bizness in no time. We’ll start
moving again and we’ll start saving
again. It’ll happen, Marion.

Marion looks into him. Then, she gives him a gentle nod.

CUT TO:

97 INT. DOCTOR PILL’S EXAMINING ROOM 97

Doctor Pill smiles while Sara looks around wild-eyed.

DOCTOR PILL
What seems to be the problem? The
weight is doing fine.

SARA
The weight is fine. I’m not so
good. The refrigerator --

Suddenly, she looks around terrified.

DOCTOR PILL
Something wrong?

SARA
Things are all mixed up. Confused
like --

DOCTOR PILL
Well, that’s nothing to worry about.

He scribbles out a prescription.

DOCTOR PILL
Just give this to the nurse and make
an appointment for a week.

(CONTINUED)
71.

97 CONTINUED: 97

Now, Sara is alone staring at the paper. TIGHT ON paper.

It reads ’VALIUM’.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry, Tyrone, and Marion are struggling with the effects of drug withdrawal and their need for a new supply. Sara continues to take her dangerous pills and experiences strange phenomena, while Harry and Marion debate over whether to contact an old connection for drugs.
Strengths "The tension and desperation of the characters' situations is palpable, and the stakes are high. The scene raises important themes about addiction and the lengths people will go to get their fix."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be somewhat stilted and expository at times, particularly in the discussion of the drug supply. The scene also relies heavily on clich\u00e9d depictions of addiction and drug use."
Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written and flows smoothly. The dialogue between Harry and Tyrone is natural and realistic, capturing the slang and tone of their characters. The use of distinct sounds such as "flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh" adds sensory details to the scene.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The scene between Harry and Sara feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. The abrupt cut from the phone call to the boardwalk scene is jarring and could benefit from a smoother transition. Additionally, the use of "fa krist's sake" instead of "for Christ's sake" feels distracting and unnecessary.

The use of capitalization for certain words in the dialogue, such as "Thas," "Ain't," and "Goin'," can be effective in capturing the characters' accents, but it is important to ensure consistency in their use.

Overall, with a few small tweaks and adjustments, this scene could be a strong addition to a larger screenplay.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more specific descriptions of the characters and their movements to make the scene more visually engaging. For example, instead of just saying "Tyrone rounds the corner, smiling," the screenwriter could add some specific description such as "Tyrone rounds the corner, his leather jacket swishing as he grins from ear to ear." Additionally, it may be helpful to add more conflict or tension to the scene, as it currently feels relatively flat. Perhaps Harry and Tyrone could have some disagreement or differing opinions about the news they receive, which would make their interaction more dynamic. Finally, adding more sensory details to the scene could help bring it to life and give the audience a better sense of the setting - for example, describing the sounds and smells of the city streets, or the feel of the cold air under the boardwalk.



Scene 26 -  Desperate Times
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
98 INT. RAOUL’S CAFE - NIGHT 98

Dimly lit café. Marion wears lots of make-up and a long-
sleeve blouse.

Arnold is worried.

MARION
No, no, I’ve just had the flu forever
it seems like.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
Are you depressed?

MARION
No, it’s nothing like that. Just
been very busy. I’ve been designing
nonstop.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
That’s wonderful, I’m glad to hear
you’ve been productive.

He smiles and touches her hand.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
To be perfectly straight, I was
surprised to hear from you. Is
something wrong?

MARION
No, why?

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
That’s usually the case when someone
calls whom you haven’t heard from
for a while.

MARION
No, everything’s fine, but I do have
a favor to ask.

He smiles and leans back into his chair. His smugness bothers
her so she grabs her fork and stabs it into the back of his
hand. Blood spurts out and she screams:

MARION
YOU SMUG SONOFABITCH!


(CONTINUED)
72.

98 CONTINUED: 98

A moment later, everything is back to normal. Marion was
fantasizing.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
(grin)
A favor? What is it?

MARION
I need to borrow some money.

CUT TO:

99 INT. ARNOLD THE SHRINK’S MANHATTAN CRASH PAD 99

In the bedroom, Marion slowly takes off her clothes. She’s
dying and almost crying.

Arnold, big smile, big erection (for him), watches her.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
May I ask why?

MARION
Could you turn off the light?

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
Why do you want the light off?

MARION
I just do.

ARNOLD THE SHRINK
You never did before.

MARION
Please, Arnold.

Shrugging, he remote controls off the light. Arnold creeps
up behind her and starts planting kisses on her.

Very gently, she begins to cry.

CUT TO:

100 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 100

Harry scratches some vinyl. He takes the LP and frisbees it
into the wall. It shatters!

Then, he collapses onto Marion’s couch, picks up the remote
and flips on the set. He tries to watch but he keeps looking
at the clock.

Then, he hears the sounds of sex. He looks up on the TV and
sees Marion fucking some dude with a hairy back.

(CONTINUED)
73.

100 CONTINUED: 100

So, Harry lies on the ground and reaches for something under
the couch.

Then: flick, sizzle, snap, suck, rush, sigh...

The image on the set slowly starts to dissolve back to the
normal TV show.

Harry, a bit more comfortable, reclines on the couch and
nods.

CUT TO:

101 INT. ARNOLD THE SHRINK’S MANHATTAN CRASH PAD - HALLWAY 101

At the front door Arnold, wrapped in a sheet, hands Marion
some money. She leaves and he quickly locks the door.

Down the hallway and into --

102 THE ELEVATOR 102

-- as anger, disgust and who knows what else billow up

inside her. Her eyes begin to tear. Then --

103 ON THE STREET 103

-- she leans against the building and vomits.

CUT TO:

104 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 104

Marion crawls out of her winter clothes and joins Harry on
the couch.

They sit on either side of the couch not looking at each
other.

CUT TO:

105 INT. TYRONE’S NEW PAD 105

Tyrone, in his bikini underwear, stares at a picture of his
mom.

Alice is gone.

He looks at the window. It’s night-time and it’s sleeping.

TYRONE
Sheeit.



(CONTINUED)
74.

105 CONTINUED: 105

Tyrone starts to get dressed.

CUT TO:

106 INT. SARA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 106

Pop, gulp, hit, snap...

Sara puts on some make-up. Her hand is not steady and her
work is far from perfect. The lipstick is lopsided. The
mascara is caked on one set of eyelashes.

In the red dress, with very little energy, she spins in front
of the mirror.

She starts a dumpy version of a waltz. Very slowly. Her
eyes are sunken and dark-ringed. Flesh hangs from her upper
arms and neck.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Marion borrows money for drugs from a psychiatrist, Harry and Marion struggle with drug withdrawal, Sara takes dangerous pills and experiences strange phenomena, and Tyrone deals with his mother's absence.
Strengths "Tense conflict and strong performances from the actors."
Weaknesses "Some plot points, while intense, are not given enough development."
Critique Firstly, the format of the scene seems off, with some inconsistencies in capitalization and placement of scene headings. Secondly, the actions and dialogue don't flow naturally and feel disjointed. The sudden change of Marion's behavior towards Arnold from a pleasant conversation to stabbing him with a fork is jarring and unexplained. Similarly, the transition from Marion asking for money to her stripping in Arnold's apartment raises questions about the character's motivations and actions.

Additionally, the scene relies heavily on stereotypical depictions of women (Marion wearing too much makeup, crying during sex) and racial stereotypes (Tyrone in his underwear with "Sheeit" as his only dialogue). The lack of character development and depth makes it difficult to empathize or connect with anyone on screen.

Overall, the scene needs a lot more work in terms of plot, character development, and representation.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: Arnold asks Marion if she's depressed, and she says no. This conversation feels flat and unconvincing. Instead, try to show the audience that Marion is struggling through her body language, actions, and dialogue.

2. Build tension: The scene lacks tension and conflict. There is a brief moment where Marion stabs Arnold with a fork but then it is revealed to be a fantasy. More tension needs to be built throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged.

3. Flesh out the characters: The characters need more depth and complexity. We don't know much about Marion other than that she needs money, and Arnold is simply a smug therapist. Adding more backstory and motivation can help the audience connect and engage with the characters on a deeper level.

4. Develop the plot: The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the screenplay. It is unclear how Marion borrowing money from Arnold ties into the overall plot. Developing the plot and connecting the scene to the larger story can help make the screenplay more cohesive and engaging.



Scene 27 -  Drug Deal Gone Wrong
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
107 INT. MODERN SUPERMARKET - NIGHT 107

Harry and Tyrone stroll the aisles with an empty shopping
cart. They eye other customers, most of whom are junkies
trying to act nonchalant and making believe they’re shopping.

In actuality they’re just trying to figure out what the fuck’s
going on.

TYRONE
You dig the action, man.

HARRY
Yeah, I feel like I’m dreamin’.

TYRONE
I watch your back, you watch mine.

HARRY
What are we supposed to do?

TYRONE
I don’t know. All they said was be
at Waldbaum’s.

Just then, they round a corner and spot a Pony-tailed Junkies
walking into the back loading area. They follow.

CUT TO:
75.



108 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 108

Marion impatiently circles the apartment. She’s very anxious.

CUT TO:

109 INT. SUPERMARKET LOADING AREA - LATER 109

Harry and Tyrone join a mass of smoking junkies in the back
of the supermarket. Everyone is crowded in by the towering
boxes of produce and canned goods.

HARRY
Everyone and their mother.

A moment later, the steel roll-gate starts to open. All the
junkies turn to look.

Then, an eighteen-wheeler starts backing into the loading
dock. ’IRVING’S FLORIDA ORANGES’ is painted onto the truck.

When the truck stops at the dock, two White Heavies emerge
from the front cab. They wear ski masks and carry glistening
machine guns.

Sitting behind a table in front of the crates of oranges is
a distinguished Bald Man sporting a white fur coat. He is
flanked by two other heavies with masks and machine guns.

The junkies applaud! The two men unlock the back of the
truck.

The Bald Man pops open two steel suitcases on the table.

Harry, Tyrone and all the junkies push forward. The men
with guns try to control them.

CUT TO:

110 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 110

Marion, still circling, starts searching the apartment. She
rips open her bureau, flips through clothes and unknowingly
tosses her clothing sketches.

They slowly drift to the floor.

CUT TO:

111 EXT. SUPERMARKET LOADING AREA - LATER 111

Harry and Tyrone push their way to the front. A few lucky
junkies hand the Bald Man money and get their dope. The
heavies scream at the junkies to calm down or they’re outta
here.

(CONTINUED)
76.

111 CONTINUED: 111

Then suddenly, Harry spots a Gap-toothed Junkies pulling a
gun. The men with the machine guns see him and pull out
their guns. Harry grabs Tyrone and starts to pull him away
when suddenly:

Bang!

Gap-tooth’s gun goes off. It hits some oranges behind the
Bald Man. The heavies let loose. Bullets everywhere!

Harry and Tyrone head for the supermarket in front. Boxes
are blowing up around them.

The Bald Man slams the steel suitcases closed and starts
pulling the truck doors closed.

Harry and Tyrone charge into the --

112 INT. SUPERMARKET - SAME 112

-- with a bunch of other junkies. They rush down an aisle

when the Pony-tailed Junkie gets nailed in front of them.

He slides across the linoleum leaving a trail of blood behind
him.

Harry and Tyrone leap over the dead body and rush --

113 OUTSIDE 113

-- just in time to spot the eighteen-wheeler whiz by. Some

of the junkies give chase. Harry thinks about it but Ty
stops him. Instead, they quickly duck out.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone participate in a risky drug deal with other junkies and a group of dangerous criminals. Marion searches for drugs in her apartment.
Strengths "Intense action and suspenseful moments, parallel storylines that intersect at key moments, strong character development"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels heavy-handed and clich\u00e9, the drug use and violence may be uncomfortable for some audiences"
Critique Overall, the scene sets up a tense tone and propels the plot forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Harry and Tyrone doesn't add much to the scene. It feels like filler and doesn't reveal anything new about the characters. Adding more depth to their conversation and showing their individual motivations and fears could help make the audience care more about their journey.

Secondly, the action within the supermarket loading area is somewhat confusing. It's not clear why the Bald Man and his heavies are there or why they are selling drugs from a truck. Providing more context and backstory to their operation would make the scene more engaging and cohesive.

Lastly, the violence in the scene is quite intense and graphic. While this can be effective in certain genres, it may turn off some viewers. Balancing the intensity of the action and violence with more character development and emotional resonance could make the scene more well-rounded.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more complex dialogue and clearer exposition. Additionally, finding a way to balance the intense action with emotional depth could make the scene even more impactful.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the stakes of the scene. Right now, it's not entirely clear why Harry and Tyrone are at the supermarket or what they hope to accomplish there. Adding some dialogue or exposition to explain their motives and goals would help to make the scene feel more grounded and engaging.

Additionally, the action could be made more exciting and visually interesting. Right now, it's mostly just a series of people walking around and then gunfire breaking out. Adding more tension and suspense leading up to the gunfire, as well as finding creative ways to visually depict the chaos and danger, would increase the scene's impact.

Finally, the characters could be given more personality and depth. Right now, they feel somewhat generic and interchangeable. Giving them more distinct voices, backgrounds, and personalities would make the audience more invested in their fates.



Scene 28 -  Desperate Measures
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
114 INT. TYRONE’S OLD DIVE PAD 114

Tyrone puffs on a cigarette while Harry paces.

HARRY
Stupid fucking junkie. Fucked. We
are fucked. That’s the last shit
for miles.

TYRONE
Muthafuckas going back to Florida,
sitting on their asses in sun while
we’re up here ass-deep in snow.

HARRY
Damn it. What are we gonna do now?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
77.

114 CONTINUED: 114

HARRY (CONT'D)
(then an idea)
Hey. What would happen if we went
down there to cop?

TYRONE
Now you’re talking -- sunny F.L.

HARRY
Yeah. Everybody’s up here scufflin’
to stay alive and gettin’ ripped off
or knocked off, and nobody’s thought
about goin’ right to the fuckin’
source.

TYRONE
You’re serious?

HARRY
Why not?

TYRONE
What the fuck you talkin’ about?
Goin’ up to the muthafuckin’ room
clerk at some hotel an’ askin’ for a
connection?

HARRY
C’mon, Ty, get with it, eh? You
tellin’ me you can’t nose our some
dope when it’s around?

TYRONE
You are serious. Tha’s here, man.
The Apple’s mah neighborhood. What
the fuck ah know about Miami? Them
muthafuckin’ Italians ain’t sittin’
aroun’ jus’ waitin’ for me to show
up, Jim.

HARRY
Dope smells the same there as it
does here.

TYRONE
Yeah, but it’s a long-ass walk, man.

HARRY
Not if you’re drivin’. Look man,
it’s colder than hell and those
streets are hotter’n a bitch.
After tonight...shit. Guys are
gettin’ knocked off like they’re
givin’ away season tickets for every
dead fiend.

(CONTINUED)
78.

114 CONTINUED: (2) 114

TYRONE
That’s no lie, Jim.

HARRY
Man, we got nothin’ to lose, and we
got to do it now while we still have
a few bucks.

TYRONE
If it’s such a good idea why ain’t
somebody else thought of it?

HARRY
Because they’re assholes. And that’s
just it. Nobody else has thought of
it. It’s wide open and it we get
there before anyone else we can name
our own price amd sit back an’ be
cool and have those fools scufflin’
the streets for us.

TYRONE
Las’ summer was a ball, Jim...Seems
like a thousan’ years since las’
summer. Sheeit.

HARRY
It’ll be back like that, but only
better. This is the kinda set up
you dream about.

TYRONE
(starts to give in)
You know, Angel can probably get us
a short if we promise him some
dynamite scag.

HARRY
You think?

TYRONE
(gives in)
That muthafucka can dig up anything,
even the daid.

CUT TO:

115 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 115

Sara peeks her head into the living room, all the shades and
curtains are drawn. She quietly tiptoes to the window and
peeks out through the side of the shade.

Then she tiptoes over to the front door. Very carefully,
she removes the tape over the peephole. The hallway is empty.

(CONTINUED)
79.

115 CONTINUED: 115

She retapes the peephole.

Suddenly, the fridge lurches at her. It slides a good foot
towards her. She jumps and runs to her viewing chair.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone hatch a dangerous plan to travel to Florida for drugs, while Marion struggles with withdrawal and Sara experiences strange phenomena in her apartment
Strengths "The tension is palpable and the plot moves forward drastically"
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more nuanced and the characters could use further development"
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear goal in mind - Harry and Tyrone are trying to figure out their next move for scoring drugs. However, there are a few issues with the writing.

Firstly, the dialogue between Harry and Tyrone can feel a bit repetitive. They both express frustration and then excitement about the idea of going to Florida to get drugs. It might be more effective to condense this dialogue or add in some new thoughts and arguments to keep the scene engaging.

Secondly, the transition between this scene and the next (Sara's apartment) is abrupt. It's not clear how the two are related or if they are taking place at the same time. Adding in a visual cue or a bit more context for the shift in setting would be beneficial.

Finally, the action in the scene feels a bit sparse. Aside from Tyrone smoking a cigarette and Harry pacing, there isn't much visual interest happening on screen. It might be helpful to include more active description of the characters' movements or setting details to make the scene feel more dynamic.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to improve the pacing, transitions, and action.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Add more action to the scene. Right now, it is mostly dialogue and the characters are just standing or pacing. Consider adding in a visual or physical element to enhance the tension and suspense, especially since they are discussing a high-risk plan.

- Develop the characters' motivations and emotions further. We don't learn enough about Harry and Tyrone as individuals to fully understand their decision to go to Florida for drugs. Give them more backstory, such as their reasons for getting into drugs, and show us how they are feeling about their current situation and the risky plan they are proposing.

- Consider adding some conflict or disagreement between Harry and Tyrone. Right now, they are too agreeable and it's not clear why they are both on board with this plan so quickly. It would be more interesting if there was some conflict or tension between them that they had to work through before agreeing on the plan.

- Cut the scene with Sara. It doesn't seem to connect to the rest of the scene and doesn't add anything to the story. Consider moving it to a different part of the script or cutting it altogether.



Scene 29 -  Desperation and Betrayal
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
116 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 116

Marion rips through the apartment as she searches for
something, anything.

She sinks to the floor and starts to sob. Just then, Harry
walks in on her on the floor.

MARION
(gets up, screams)
Where have you been? I’ve been
waiting all night.

HARRY
Where the hell do you think I’ve
been?

MARION
Where’s the score?

HARRY
Some dumb-ass junkie --

MARION
Did what? You fucked it up! Don’t
tell me you fucked it up!

HARRY
I didn’t fuck it up. Me and Ty have
a plan.

MARION
A plan!? I don’t want another plan,
I want my stuff!

HARRY
What the fuck’s wrong with you?

MARION
Me!? You promised that everything
was gonna be OK. I fucked that
sleazebag -- I put myself through
hell for you. So what the fuck do
you have for me?!

HARRY
What do you want from me?
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
80.

116 CONTINUED: 116

HARRY (CONT'D)
I don’t have anything, nothing,
there’s nothing out there.

MARION
I don’t give a shit. You loser.
You fucking loser, I want you to
come through for me.

HARRY
Ya think I’m playin’ fuckin’ games,
for krist’s sake? You wanna have
some extra stuff?

Harry calls Tyrone. He grabs the picture of him and Marion
in front of the store.

HARRY
We were hipped to a dude that’s
holding some weight, but he ain’t
sellin’.

TYRONE
(off-screen)
Yeah.

HARRY
Give me that guy’s number. The guy
who likes broads.

TYRONE
(off-screen)
Big Tim? What for?

HARRY
Just give me the number, for krist’s
sake.

TYRONE
(off-screen)
OK, OK. Nine three four...

HARRY
You worried so goddam much...

Harry hangs up on Ty and hands Marion the number on the back
of the photo.

HARRY
Here, go fix yourself up with’im.
You won’t have to wait so long, and
I won’t have ta freeze my ass off in
the fuckin’ streets.



(CONTINUED)
81.

116 CONTINUED: (2) 116

MARION
Fuck you.

HARRY
No, fuck you!

Harry charges out of the apartment. Marion stares after
him.

We float out of focus.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Harry and Marion argue over the lost drug score while Marion desperately searches for a fix. Harry provides a potential new connection to Marion, but their relationship is strained.
Strengths "The tension and desperation in the scene are palpable, highlighting the dangerous and desperate world that the characters are living in. The dialogue is sharp and intense, contributing to the heightened emotional impact."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue could be repetitive and the scene may be more effective with more visual cues to heighten the tension."
Critique This scene is well-written in terms of dialogue. The conflict between the two characters is clear and the tension builds throughout the scene. We see Marion's desperation and frustration with Harry's inability to deliver what she wants. There is also a hint of Harry's defensiveness and frustration with Marion's demands. However, as a screenwriting expert, I would suggest that the scene could benefit from some visual description and action to enhance its impact. Adding more detail about Marion's emotional state and actions, as well as Harry's physical reactions, could help to make the scene more engaging and vivid on screen. Additionally, the use of camera angles and shots could help to build tension and convey the characters' emotions. Overall, the scene has strong dialogue, but could be improved with more attention to visual storytelling.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

- Add more description to Marion's actions and emotions. Show the audience the extent of her desperation and frustration.

- Consider adding more backstory or context to the situation. Why is Marion so desperate to get this "score"? Why is Harry involved in this?

- Include more physical blocking and movement in the scene. Right now, it's mostly dialogue with little action. Think about how the characters can use their bodies to express their emotions and intentions.

- Consider adding more conflict or tension between Marion and Harry. Right now, they're just yelling at each other with no real escalation. Introduce more obstacles or challenges that they need to overcome in order to reach their goals.

- Finally, think about how this scene fits into the larger story and what it adds to the overall plot development. Does it move the story forward or reveal new information about the characters? If not, consider cutting it or reworking it to make it more integral to the plot.



Scene 30 -  Sara's Nightmare
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
117 INT. SARA’S APARTMENT 117

Pop, hit, gulp, snap. The fridge lurches another foot towards
her.

She grabs the giant remote and flips on the TV. On the set
is Tappy Tibbons:

TAPPY TIBBONS
Now let’s meet our next winner.

She’s a beautiful woman with a winning sense of humor and a
magical smile. She’s really gonna win your heart. Straight
from Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, let’s give a juicy welcome to
our very own Mrs Sara Goldfarb.

Red Sara marches out to applause.

TAPPY AND AUDIENCE
Juice by Sara! Juice by Sara!
Juice by Sara! ooooOOOOH! Sara’s
got juice! Sara’s got juice!
ooooOOOOH Sara!

RED SARA
Thank you. Thank you. Oh Mr
Tibbons, it’s --

TAPPY TIBBONS
Tappy, please.

The fridge lurches again! She tries to ignore it and watch

TV:

RED SARA
OK, Tappy. It’s a pleasure to be
here.

TAPPY TIBBONS
Well, it’s a pleasure to have you.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
82.

117 CONTINUED: 117

TAPPY TIBBONS (CONT'D)
And that is one gorgeous outfit you
have.

RED SARA
Oh thank you, Tappy. I just want to
say hello to my husband, Seymour,
and my beautiful successful son,
Harold. Hello, Harold. I hope you’re
happy. I hope you’re in love. Please
come and see me and bring Marion,
won’t you?

The fridge slides closer. She fights not to look.

TAPPY TIBBONS
Hah hah. I’m sure he’ll be here
soon. It’s time to start now, are
you ready?

RED SARA
Oh yes. I’m ready, I’m ready.

TAPPY TIBBONS
After you...

Tappy motions towards the camera as the audience begins to
applaud.

And then, Red Sara disappears. Sara hears something.

She looks to her right and sees Red Sara standing in her
living room. Sara is shocked.

SARA
What are you doing?

Red Sara doesn’t answer, she just huffs and humphs as she
inspects the apartment.

SARA
Who are you? What do you want?

Red Sara continues to ignore her as she looks down her nose
at the apartment. Then Red Sara waves at Tappy Tibbons.

RED SARA
Tappy!

TAPPY TIBBONS
Oh, I thought you’d never ask.
Excuse me, everybody.

Tappy disappears from the screen. And now he too is with
Red Sara in Sara’s living room.

(CONTINUED)
83.

117 CONTINUED: (2) 117

Sara sits in her chair, dumbfounded. She starts to get more
and more upset as Tappy and Red Sara laugh at her furnishings
and chatchkas.

SARA
What do you expect? I’m all alone.

Could you do better? It’s an old building. Ten years no
painting, maybe more.

Red Sara and Tappy walk behind Sara’s chair towards the
windows.

SARA
I’m old. Alone. You don’t
understand. I’m trying. I’m trying.
Please, please, I’ll explain.

Now, Tappy and Red Sara laugh as they point at the TV. Sara
looks over. On the TV she sees herself in her viewing chair.

A giant, fanatic audience surrounds her -- laughing and
pointing.

Then there’s a giant C-R-A-C-K!!! as Sara’s walls split apart.
Suddenly, she’s on a television set. Two TV cameras slide
in on her.

A Make-up Artist and Sound Man bum rush her. The man tries
to put a mic on her while the woman tries to touch up her
face.

SARA
No! No! Please, leave me alone!

The studio audience is going bananas laughing at her.

Cameras and TV cables stretch across the floor. Then the
First Assistant Director by camera one cues her:

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Ready, Mrs Goldfarb, three, two,
one...

He points at Sara and a bright spotlight falls on her.

Suddenly, Tappy and Red Sara lead a cha-cha line around Sara’s
lazy chair. Various weirdos, freaks and girls in bikinis
join in.

Sara is terrified.

The fridge leaps towards her. Sara cries onto her wrinkled
red dress.


(CONTINUED)
84.

117 CONTINUED: (3) 117

She sinks to the floor. She crawls to the TV and begs:

SARA
Oh please... please... let me on the
show... please... please... any
show... please...

The partying gets louder and louder. Red Sara is French
kissing Tappy Tibbons in Sara’s lazy chair.

The fridge is only a few feet from her.

RED SARA
Feed me, Sara. Feed me.

Tappy joins in:

TAPPY TIBBONS
Feed me. Feed me.

Now the other freaks in the room and the studio crew:

FREAKS AND CREW
Feed me. Feed me. Feed me.

And now, the audience on the TV is chanting it:

AUDIENCE
Feed me. FEED ME. FEED ME.

The fridge towers over her. Suddenly, metal is tearing and
the fridge has a mouth. Freon sprays out of its opening.

The giant metal mouth lurches at Sara threatening to bite
her.

Sara screams and bolts out of her home leaving the front
door to her abandoned apartment wide open.

HARD CUT TO:

BLACK

ON THE THE SCREEN IN WHITE LETTERS: ’WINTER’

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Sara experiences a terrifying hallucination in her apartment where she appears on a TV show and is humiliated by Tappy Tibbons and a group of freaks. The scene ends with Sara fleeing her apartment in terror.
Strengths "Intense atmosphere and surreal imagery"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels clunky and on the nose"
Critique This scene effectively creates a sense of unease and tension with the use of the fridge lurching towards Sara. The introduction of Tappy Tibbons and the juicing contest provides an interesting contrast to the eerie tone of the scene. However, the transition to Red Sara appearing in Sara's living room feels abrupt and confusing. It's not clear who she is or why she is there. Additionally, the transition to Sara appearing on a TV set and being chased by the metal mouth of the fridge feels disjointed and lacks clear cause and effect. The scene could benefit from some clearer motivations for Red Sara's appearance and a smoother transition to the climax with the fridge.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to provide more clarity on the transition from seeing Red Sara on TV to Red Sara appearing in Sara's living room. It's a bit jarring and confusing without any explanation of how this is happening. Adding a small detail, such as Sara rubbing her eyes and when she opens them again, Red Sara is standing in front of her, could help ease this transition. Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially with the constant interruptions from the fridge moving and the chaos of the TV show. Simplifying the dialogue and cutting back on some of the interruptions could help make the scene flow more smoothly. Finally, adding more sensory detail could help heighten the tension and fear Sara is feeling as the scene progresses, such as describing the sound and scent of the freon spraying from the fridge.



Scene 31 -  Desperation and Disorientation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
118 EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH AVENUE - DAY 118

Sara manically marches down the street. The world shoots by
her. A train roars by on the elevated tracks up above.

CUT TO:
85.



119 INT. PONTIAC VENTURA CROSSING VERRAZANO’S BRIDGE - NIGHT 119

Harry and Tyrone ride in a beat-up 1972 Pontiac Ventura 2.

Harry drives.

TIGHT ON the car tuner. Tyrone spins the dial. Hip-hop
blasts on the radio.

Then Tyrone turns on the heat.

HARRY
Thank you, Angel.

TYRONE
Ah sure hope this mutha works. Ah
could use some heat.

Ty sparks a joint.

TYRONE
How long will it take?

HARRY
We’ll make it in a day, easy.

TYRONE
California, here we come.

HARRY
It’s Florida.

TYRONE
I know, Jim. I just feel like
breaking out into song.

Hands slap five. Harry cringes when Tyrone hits his hand.

CUT TO:

120 INT. D-TRAIN SUBWAY CAR - MOVING 120

Sara sits on the subway. Her hair sticks to her wet face.

She turns to the strangers across from her.

SARA
I’m going on television. Today I’ll
find out when.

It’s New York: of course she’s ignored.

CUT TO:
86.



121 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 121

Marion sobs into the phone. She shreds the upholstrey on
the couch.

MARION
Florida!? Florida!? When’s he gonna
be back?

ANGEL
(off-screen)
I don’t know. A few days.

MARION
Days!? What am I supposed, to do?
You gotta help me!

ANGEL
(off-screen)
It’s dry --

MARION
I can get you money, from my parents.

ANGEL
(off-screen)
Money means shit.

MARION
Please. Angel! Please!

ANGEL
(off-screen)
It’s a drought. I ain’t got nothing.

MARION
Please! Angel! Please!

CUT TO:

122 INT. MALIN & BLOCK - RECEPTION AREA 122

A Secretary looks up, startled. In front of her is Sara.

Sara’s hair and body are wet and she is wobbly.

The Secretary stares at Sara, not knowing what to do.

SARA
Why aren’t you calling me? I have
to know when I’m going to be on
television. I’m Sara Goldfarb and
you should tell me when I’m going to
be on television.


(CONTINUED)
87.

122 CONTINUED: 122

SECRETARY
Just sit for a moment. I’ll ring
them.

Sara wobbles to a chair. She’s confused and disorientated.

Some office women come out from inside the office and huddle
around her. Some security guards appear as well.

Sara tries to stand but she falls over amd lands back in the
chair.

The women tell her to stay seated.

SARA
I need to know when maybe you lost
my card, please, Dolly, you’ll look
and let --

OFFICE WOMAN
Get her a cup of soup. Tell Mary to
call an ambulance. Just relax,
Mrs Goldfarb, everything will --

SARA
(cries)
It’s not the prizes. I’ll give them
away to the poor, I just want to be
on the show. I’m waiting so long to
be on with my Harry and grandson --

The Secretary returns with a mug filled with soup.

SECRETARY
Here, Mrs Goldfarb, sip this.

OFFICE WOMAN
Sometimes it takes awhile to get
called for a show, Mrs Goldfarb.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Sara experiences a terrifying hallucination and becomes disoriented, Harry and Tyrone plan a dangerous trip to Florida for drugs while Marion struggles with withdrawal and begs for help, and Sara becomes increasingly desperate to be on television.
Strengths "Building tension and desperation in each character, vivid descriptions of their actions and surroundings"
Weaknesses "Lack of clear plot progression, some dialogue is generic"
Critique The scene introduces the viewer to three different storylines: Sara's, Harry and Tyrone's, and Marion's. Each storyline is portrayed through separate locations and actions. However, the transition between each storyline is not very smooth, and the viewer may be confused about the connection between them.

The dialogue between Harry and Tyrone is effective in setting up their personalities and goals - the heat, the joint, the trip to Florida. However, the dialogue between Marion and Angel feels rushed and lacks depth.

The scene with Sara in the reception area is well written, as it showcases her desperation to be on television and her deteriorating mental state. The dialogue between Sara and the secretary and office women is realistic and believable.

Overall, the scene sets up the characters and their individual journeys, but could benefit from smoother transitions and deeper character development.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider adding more action and description to the scene with Sara on the subway. Show how she is feeling and reacting to her situation.

- Instead of just showing Marion crying on the couch, show her taking action to try and find Harry and Tyrone. This could add more tension to the scene.

- Consider changing the dialogue in the scene with Sara at Malin & Block to make it more realistic. It could be more effective to have her speak in short, fragmented sentences rather than long, coherent ones. This would reflect her confused and disoriented state.

- Show more reaction from the people around Sara. This would add to the tension of the scene and emphasize the severity of her situation.

- Consider adding a visual montage of all the characters in different locations, all struggling with their own problems and anxieties. This would help build a sense of urgency and tension in the lead-up to the climax of the film.



Scene 32 -  Drug Trip and Hallucinations
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
123 INT. PONTIAC VENTURA ON JERSEY TURNPIKE - DAWN 123

Tyrone drives. TIGHT ON the tuner. The radio plays
alternative rock.

TYRONE
Sheeit, the heater is just fine. I
guess this ain’t goin’ to be such a
bad trip.

HARRY
Yeah, it’s no big thing.


(CONTINUED)
88.

123 CONTINUED: 123

TYRONE
(checks odometer)
We’s a couple a hundred miles closer
to Miami, Jim. Let’s stop at the
next pit and take a taste.

HARRY
Yeah. Betta drop a few dexies too
and get some coffee.

TYRONE
Right on.

CUT TO:

124 INT. MALIN & BLOCK - RECEPTION AREA 124

A crowd watches Sara babble. Two Paramedics arrive.

PARAMEDIC
(to his partner)
Looks like shock.
(to Sara)
Can you walk?

SARA
I’m walking across the stage and you
should see my Harold on television.
We’re giving the prizes away. I
just want to be on television.

PARAMEDIC
(to women)
Do you know her name?

OFFICE WOMAN #1
We think it’s Sara Goldfarb.

SARA
The announcer is calling my Little
Red Riding Hood, call Seymour and
tell him to pick me up at the beauty
parlor. I’ve got the red dress I
wore at Harry’s graduation and the
gold shoes.

PARAMEDIC
(gently)
Okay, Mrs Goldfarb, let’s just take
it nice and easy. Here we go.

And the paramedics help poor Sara to her feet. They head to
the elevator. Sympathy from the staring office women.

CUT TO:
89.



125 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 125

Marion stares at Big Tim’s number. A moment later she picks
up the phone and dials.

BIG TIM
(off-screen)
Yeah?

Marion hangs up. A long beat. Then she dials again.

BIG TIM
(off-screen)
Yeah!?

MARION
(nervous)
Hi...

Big Tim lets go a big laugh.

CUT TO:

126 INT. AMBULANCE - MOVING 126

Sara is strapped to a gurney. She mumbles to herself.

SARA
Oh, Harry. I’m going to be on
television.

CUT TO:

127 INT. PONTIAC VENTURA PARKED IN HO JO LOT 127

Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap, rush, sigh...

Tyrone leans against the driver’s door -- high.

Harry rolls up his sleeve. Right in the crotch of his arm
is a nasty hole from shooting too much. It’s infected and
rings of red surround it.

TYRONE
Sheeit. How long you got that?

HARRY
A few days.

TYRONE
That don’t look too good, Jim.

HARRY
It don’t feel too good either. But
a little stuff’ll take care of that.

(CONTINUED)
90.

127 CONTINUED: 127

TYRONE
Don’t shoot in there.

HARRY
I’ll blow it if I don’t. Fuck it.

Flick, sizzle, snap, suck, slap -- break from the montage.

For the first time we see a TIGHT CLOSE-UP of a needle going
into the hole, then we end the montage -- rush, sigh...

CUT TO:

128 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING ENTRANCE 128

A security camera studies Marion as she waits at the front
door. Buzz! Marion pushes the door open and enters.

CUT TO:

129 INT. BELLEVUE HOSPITAL 129

Sara, on her gurney, is pushed through crowded corridors of
a hospital. The noise and chaos reach her in surreal muffled
tones.

She’s mumbling to herself -- dreaming of being on television.

Then she’s slid into the emergency room.

Young, serious Doctor Spencer shines a light into her eyes.

Sara tries to smile.

DOCTOR SPENCER
No emergency. Take her to psyche.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry and Tyrone plan a dangerous trip to Florida for drugs while Marion desperately searches for a fix. Sara experiences a terrifying hallucination and is taken to the hospital.
Strengths "The tension and desperation of the characters is palpable, and Sara's hallucination adds a surreal and memorable element to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from clearer character arcs and more impactful dialogue."
Critique I would suggest improving the formatting of the scene as it is difficult to read and follow the action. Additionally, the dialogue could be strengthened to further develop the characters and their relationships, as well as add tension and conflict to the scene. For example, introducing some disagreement or dissent between Tyrone and Harry about their drug use could add complexity and depth to their dynamic. Finally, adding more sensory details and descriptions could enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene for the audience.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more depth and conflict to the characters. Right now they seem like they are just going through the motions and there is no real tension or stakes in their actions. Perhaps adding some dialogue that hints at their individual motivations and fears could help make their actions more interesting. For example, maybe Tyron is nervous about delivering their package and is using drugs to cope, while Harry is concerned about his infected arm and is desperate to find a fix. Adding these layers to the characters could create more tension and intrigue in the scene. Additionally, some more visual description of the surroundings and actions could help make the scene more immersive for the audience.



Scene 33 -  Desperate Actions
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
130 EXT. BIG TIM’S APARTMENT 130

Big Tim’s door opens wide, revealing an even wider Big Tim.

Big Tim is big in every way. His body is big, his smile is
big, his laugh is big and even his apartment is big.

BIG TIM
Come in.

He steps aside and Marion enters the huge living room with a
grand view of Prospect Park.

Big Tim takes her coat.



(CONTINUED)
91.

130 CONTINUED: 130

BIG TIM
Have a seat. What would you like?

MARION
(meek)
Nothing.

BIG TIM
Oh, you strictly a dope fien’?

Marion is startled by Big Tim’s comment. She recovers.

MARION
Oh, maybe I’ll have a little
chartreuse.

BIG TIM
Yellow or green?

MARION
(surprised)
Oh, ahhh...yellow.

Big Tim joins her with the drinks. He takes out a hash pipe
and sparks it. Marion is offered the pipe and she takes a
few pokes.

BIG TIM
What’s your name?

MARION
Marion.

Big Tim’s laugh is loud, deep and happy -- a presence of its
own.

BIG TIM
What you know, Maid Marion. I’m
Little John.

Big Tim pulls Marion into his chest. She lets him.

BIG TIM
You know what I like best about patty
chicks?

Marion smiles as she relaxes into him.

BIG TIM
They give good head. Black broads
don’t know nothing about giving head.
I don’t know why. Might be it has
something to do with some ancient
tribal custom.


(CONTINUED)
92.

130 CONTINUED: (2) 130

Big laugh from Big Tim. He pulls Marion up to him and kisses
her. After a beat, she kisses back. Then, he backs off.

BIG TIM
Better save some of that energy.

She lies down on his stomach. Gently he turns her head around
as he pulls out his penis.

She stares at Big Tim’s joint knowing what she’s supposed to
do but not being able to do it. Her insides tremble and
knot.

BIG TIM
I know it’s purty, baby, but I didn’t
take it out for air.

He nudges her and she grabs it and starts kissing it.

Suddenly, she stops. She’s going to be sick. Big Tim laughs
his big laugh and points to the bathroom.

BIG TIM
That way.

CUT TO:

131 INT. BIG TIM’S BATHROOM 131

Marion finishes barfing. She washes her face and mouth in
the sink. She looks up at herself. She’s trembling.

She shuts her eyes and we cut to --

BLACK -

We hear Marion breathe deeply. She collects herself.

Into the BLACK rushes streams of RED.

When she opens her eyes we are back in -

132 THE BATHROOM 132

Marion fixes her hair and smiles at herself.

CUT TO:

133 INT. BIG TIM’S LIVING ROOM 133

Big Tim laughs as Marion emerges from the bathroom.

MARION
Sorry. Must have been the chartreuse.


(CONTINUED)
93.

133 CONTINUED: 133

BIG TIM
Welcome back.

Marion’s smile turns into an eager grin. He chuckles as she
gets on her knees.

BIG TIM
Yeahhhh, little bo-peep done foun’
her sheep.

Big Tim laughs his big laugh as we --

CUT TO:

134 INT. PONTIAC VENTURA SOMEWHERE ON I-95 - HEADING SOUTH 134

Tyrone drives while Harry squirms. His arm hurts like hell.

TIGHT ON tuner. The radio plays country and western.

TYRONE
I told you to stay away from that
arm, man.

HARRY
I gotta call Marion.

Tyrone watches the odometer changes from 599 to 600.

TYRONE
Well, it’ll be long-distance now.
That’s six hundred. We six hundred
damn miles closer to Miami.

HARRY
Yeah. We’re also six hundred miles
away from New York.

Afraid now, Tyrone looks out the window. The landscape is
foreign and strange -- almost alien.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Marion visits Big Tim's apartment for a fix and ends up in a distressing situation, while Harry and Tyrone continue their risky road trip for drugs.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of urgency and high stakes, as well as developing the characters of Marion, Harry, and Tyrone."
Weaknesses "The scene contains potentially triggering subject matter and may be difficult for some viewers to watch."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as being highly disturbing and potentially triggering for audiences due to its depiction of sexual assault. The scene lacks nuance and sensitivity in its portrayal of assault and its aftermath, and does not offer any insight or commentary on the issue. The character of Big Tim is presented as a stereotypical predatory man and his actions are not condemned or punished within the context of the scene. Additionally, the scene perpetuates harmful stereotypes about people of color and their supposed sexual behavior. Overall, the scene could benefit from a more thoughtful and responsible approach to depicting sexual assault onscreen.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene from a movie script:

1. Actor's notes: It would be useful to include notes on the character's physical appearances to help actors portray them better. For example, describe Big Tim's features and physique in detail.

2. Dialogue: Avoid using offensive and derogatory terms as they can be uncomfortable for viewers and negatively impact the script's reception. Also, use language that is appropriate for the characters and the time period in which the story is set.

3. Subtext: It would be interesting to add more subtext to the scene to make it more complex and engaging. For example, is Marion secretly manipulating Big Tim to get information or is she genuinely interested in him?

4. Action: Consider adding more dynamic action to the scene to make it visually interesting and engaging. For example, add some movement in the room or use different camera angles.

5. Transition: The transition from Marion puking to fixing her hair and smiling feels abrupt. Consider adding a bit more transition to smooth things out and create a better flow between scenes.

6. Theme: Consider how this scene fits into the broader themes of the story. Does it add to the overall narrative or risk detracting from it?



Scene 34 -  Downward Spiral
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
135 INT. BIG TIM’S BATHROOM 135

After sex, Big Tim opens the door and leans up against the
doorway. Naked, he watches Marion as she finishes getting
dressed. Marion can’t look at herself in the mirror or at
Big Tim.

BIG TIM
You know, baby, I can fix it so you
can pick up a real, nice taste.
Though it’s more like play, baby.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
94.

135 CONTINUED: 135

BIG TIM (CONT'D)
Sunday night we’re having a gathering,
all good people --

MARION
(smiles)
No, I couldn’t. I’m busy. And I’m
not really hooked.

Big Tim laughs his big laugh and tosses her some bags.

BIG TIM
Yeah, I know. But I’m tellin’ ya’,
it’s a real nice taste.

Marion quickly grabs the bags and starts putting them in her
purse.

BIG TIM
What the fuck you doing?

MARION
(startled)
Nothing, I’m...

BIG TIM
Damn!
(laughs)
Damn, I got me some kinda virgin.
Now you gotta be kidding ol’ Tim,
you just got to be.

MARION
I don’t kn --

BIG TIM
You mean you not going to count what’s
there but you just going to be puttin’
it in your pocketbook and just walk
out in the street? Damn! You sure
haven’t been around long, baby.

MARION
(flushed)
I’m not exactly a naive school girl,
I... I... I’ve been all through Europe
an’... an’... and I’m just not --

BIG TIM
Sheeit, ain’t nothing to be ashamed
of, baby, we all gotta get down with
it for the first time. I ain’t bad
rappinya. I just don’t want to see
you get ripped off.


(CONTINUED)
95.

135 CONTINUED: (2) 135

Sheeit, you earned that baby and you sure as hell don’t want
to donate it to some purse snatcher.

He laughs. Marion smiles.

BIG TIM
Lookit, there be one place you can
stash ol’ doogie without you worrying
about it be accidently getting in
the wrong hands, you dig? Ain’t no
purse snatcher or mugger going to
rip you off there, baby.

As Marion catches on she flushes and nods her head.

Big Tim laughs his big laugh as he wanders into the living
room.

BIG TIM
I’ll see you Sunday, Maid Marion.

Then Marion lifts up her skirt and does the deed.

CUT TO:

136 INT. PSYCHE WARD 136

Sara is strapped to a hospital bed. She sobs to herself.

The grey ward is packed with twice as many beds as there
should be. Patients wander around in straitjackets. Screams
of agony and pain barely reach her ears.

Doctor Spencer addresses Sara and tries to calm her.

DOCTOR SPENCER
Mrs Goldfarb. Please try and answer
me. When did you start taking the
pills?

SARA
When? The summer... Oh, this summer.
I got a special place in the sun.
Ada fixed my hair.

DOCTOR SPENCER
You started in the summer. Last
summer? OK Mrs Goldfarb, everything
will be alright, we’ll fix you up in
no time.

SARA
(grins)
You’re a good boy, Harold.


(CONTINUED)
96.

136 CONTINUED: 136

And for a moment, Doctor Spencer is Harry -- golden smile
and all.

CUT TO:

137 INT. MARION’S BATHROOM 137

We look down on Marion’s back from above the tub. She is
bent over, her head beneath the water between her knees.

She holds her breath for an eternity...

Then, we look into her face as she screams. Air bubbles
shoot to the surface.

CUT TO:

138 EXT. I-95 - MAYBE GEORGIA 138

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Marion visits Big Tim's apartment for a fix but ends up in a distressing situation, while Harry and Tyrone continue their risky road trip for drugs. Sara experiences a terrifying hallucination and is later taken to the hospital.
Strengths "The scene is highly evocative and maintains the intense feeling from the preceding scenes. The characters' desperation is palpable, and the setting adds depth to the story."
Weaknesses "Some aspects of the scene may be uncomfortable or triggering for some viewers, and the dialogue could be considered crude or insensitive."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, it is important to maintain professionalism and respect all forms of creative expression. However, it is important to note that the scene described may be perceived as disturbing or offensive to some audiences due to the explicit nature of the dialogue and behavior displayed by the characters. The use of language and actions that objectify women and promote drug use is not suitable for all viewers, and may not be appropriate for all types of media platforms. It is important for writers to be conscious of their audience and consider the potential impact of their words and actions on society.
Suggestions This scene involves a lot of dialogue that feels forced and unnatural. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Add more action and description to the scene. Right now, it's mostly just dialogue, which can make it feel static and boring. Consider adding in some details about the characters' movements, facial expressions, etc.

2. Make sure the dialogue feels realistic for the characters. Big Tim's dialogue, in particular, feels very clichéd and stereotypical. Try to give him a more unique voice that feels true to his character.

3. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue. There's a lot of back-and-forth between the characters here, and it can feel repetitive and long-winded. Try to condense the conversation while still getting across the important points.

4. Think about how the scene fits into the overall story and what its purpose is. Right now, it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the plot. Consider how you can tie it in more effectively or cut it altogether if it's not essential.

5. Try to add in some subtext or emotional nuance to the scene. As it is, it's a very straightforward conversation that doesn't reveal much about the characters' inner lives. Consider adding in some layers of meaning or subtext to make it more engaging and meaningful.



Scene 35 -  Desperate Measures
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
139 INT. PONTIAC VENTURA 139

Tyrone still drives.

There’s a preacher screaming gospel on the radio.

Harry squirms as he grabs his arm. He’s wincing in pain.

HARRY
Man, I can’t cut it. I gotta do
something about this arm.

TYRONE
Let’s see what it looks like.

Harry winces as he very carefully rolls up his sleeve.

The area around the hole is white and raised. Even worse,
the area around the white is slightly green. Also, a wide,
dark red streak reaches down his arm towards his hand.

They both stare at it for a moment.

HARRY
Oh man.

TYRONE
Sheeit, that be the ugliest mothafucka
I’ve ever seen.

HARRY
I gotta call Marion.



(CONTINUED)
97.

139 CONTINUED: 139

TYRONE
Let’s find a hospital first.

CUT TO:

140 INT. PSYCHE WARD 140

A needle puntures Sara’s arm. The Nurse wipes off the blood
that spills out.

In a surreal moment, the world slows down. Real slow.

Sara’s tongue sticks to the top of her mouth. She pries it
off with a rattling smack in her brain. Her mouth is dry
and small drops of foam form on the sides of her chapped
lips.

CUT TO:

141 INT. SOUTHERN DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM 141

To try and disperse the pain, Harry marches around the
examination room. The pain is excruciating.

A grey-haired Southern Doctor comes in.

SOUTHERN DOCTOR
What’s the problem?

HARRY
My arm, it’s killing me.

The Doctor looks for a moment. Then, he grabs Harry’s arm
and looks at it. Harry winces in pain.

SOUTHERN DOCTOR
I’ll be back in a minute.

The Doctor leaves.

CUT TO:

142 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 142

Marion stares at an empty pile of bags in front of her.

Then she stares at the photo of her and Harry in front of
the store. Next, she flips it over and looks at Big Tim’s
number. A moment later she picks it up and dials Big Tim.

BIG TIM
(off-screen)
Yeah!?



(CONTINUED)
98.

142 CONTINUED: 142

MARION
(nervous)
Hi...

Big Tim lets go a big laugh.

CUT TO:

143 INT. PSYCHE WARD 143

Two Male Attendants enter with a tray of food. They joke
with each other and barely notice Sara.

They try to lift Sara up but she can’t support herself.

Then they try harder and they shove her into a sitting
position. One of the attendants puts some food in her mouth.

She tries to swallow, but her throat isn’t working.

ATTENDANT
(slow motion)
S-w-a-l-l-o-w! S-w-a-l-l-o-w!

But the food just dribbles out the side. As they continue
their conversation about the Jets, they grab her and force
the food down her throat by holding her nose and keeping her
mouth shut.

Her eyes blast open in terror. Her head beats thunderously
in her ears.

CUT TO:

144 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 144

Marion puts mascara on her left eye. Then she puts on some
clothes.

CUT TO:

145 INT. SOUTHERN DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM 145

Tyrone fills through an old copy of Fortune Magazine. He
tries to ignore all the white folks gawking at him.

Then he spots a pair of boots standing in front of him.

Next, he spots the gun and baton.

Tyrone looks up into a towering Highway Cop’s stern glare.

Cuff one wrist, cuff the other.

CUT TO:
99.



146 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 146

TIGHT ON Marion’s right eye as she carefully applies mascara.

She puts on some more clothes.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Harry's infected arm becomes worse and he is taken to a Southern doctor, while Marion searches for drugs and ends up calling Big Tim. Meanwhile, Sara experiences a terrifying hallucination and is in the psyche ward.
Strengths "Intense and suspenseful tone, strong exploration of characters' struggles and addictions."
Weaknesses "Lack of clear resolution or progression in the story, somewhat disjointed with multiple simultaneous events."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would offer the following feedback on this scene:

- The scene lacks clear visual and emotional stakes. While there is some tension around Harry's injured arm, it is not immediately clear why this scene matters to the overall story. There isn't a clear sense of what is at risk or what the characters are trying to achieve.

- The dialogue feels fairly generic and doesn't do much to establish character or create memorable moments. The characters' reactions to Harry's arm injury are somewhat predictable, and the exchanges between them don't reveal much about their personalities or relationships.

- The scene lacks specificity in its description, relying on general phrases like "a moment later" and "they both stare at it for a moment" instead of providing more detailed actions and reactions. This lack of specificity makes the scene feel less visually engaging and less immersive for the reader.

Overall, I would suggest focusing on establishing clear stakes and character dynamics, as well as providing more detailed and engaging visual description, to strengthen this scene.
Suggestions There are a number of improvements that could be made to this scene to create more tension and drama:

1. Increase the sense of urgency: Harry's injury is serious and he is in a lot of pain, but the scene doesn't convey a sense of urgency or danger. To improve this, consider adding a clock in the background or having Harry and Tyrone checking their watches regularly to show that time is running out.

2. Create more conflict: The scene feels a bit flat without any conflict. To add tension, think about adding a disagreement between Harry and Tyrone about what to do next. For example, Harry might want to call Marion while Tyrone insists on finding a hospital first.

3. Add more sensory details: To make the scene feel more intense, consider adding more sensory details. For example, you could describe Harry's sweat beading on his forehead or the sound of his teeth grinding in pain.

4. Cut back and forth between scenes more quickly: To build suspense, try cutting back and forth between the different locations more quickly. For example, you could have shorter paragraphs or use more frequent scene breaks.

5. Show more character reactions: The scene would benefit from showing more of the characters' reactions to what is happening. For example, instead of just having Tyrone say "Sheeit, that be the ugliest mothafucka I’ve ever seen," show more of his shock and concern on his face. Similarly, show more of Marion's nervousness when she calls Big Tim.



Scene 36 -  Desperate Measures
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
147 INT. PSYCHE WARD 147

Doctor Spencer towers over Sara. He reads her chart and is
concerned.

DOCTOR SPENCER
You have to eat, Mrs Goldfarb. If
we’re going to get you healthy again,
you have to eat. Try to work with
the attendants. I’m going to try
some new medications. They should
help us.

He pats her on the shoulder and walks away. Sara tries to
call for him, to make any noise, to plead, to do anything.

But she can’t.

A moment later, the two Male Attendants come for her. They
grab her and move her into a wheelchair. Restraints for her
arms and legs are slapped on.

They grab a clear plastic tube. They cover it with lubricant.

Then they try to slide it into her nose.

Sara struggles until one attendant grabs her head and whacks
it flat against a head rest.

ATTENDANT
OK, Miss, just relax. We’re gonna
try to help you to eat.

Pinned, they slide the tube into Sara’s nose, down her throat
and into her stomach.

Then the feeding begins.

CUT TO:

148 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 148

TIGHT ON Marion’s lips as she puts on lipstick. Marion smacks
her lips together.

Marion in front of the full-length mirror is dressed to the
hilt.

(CONTINUED)
100.

148 CONTINUED: 148

She makes last minute corrections to her outfit when the
phone rings.

Nervous, she answers.

MARION
Hello?

CUT TO:

149 INT. SOUTHERN JAIL PAYPHONE AREA - MARION’S APARTMENT 149

INTERCUT:

Harry in pain on the telephone. Marion sits by the phone.

HARRY
Marion.

MARION
Harry? Oh, Harry.

HARRY
Oh, Marion, I’ve been thinking about
you. You’re OK?

MARION
When you coming back?

HARRY
Soon. You’re holding out right?

MARION
When?

HARRY
Soon. Everything’s going to be
alright.

MARION
Will you come today?

HARRY
Yeah, soon. Just wait for me.
I’ll be back soon. You’ll wait,
right?

Marion doesn’t answer. She closes her eyes.

HARRY
Marion.

MARION
Yeah.


(CONTINUED)
101.

149 CONTINUED: 149

HARRY
Just wait.

MARION
I will, Harry.

HARRY
I’m coming, Marion. I am. And I’m
sorry. I’m real sorry.

MARION
I know, Harry. I know.

A long beat. Silence. Slowly Marion hangs up.

150 BY THE PAYPHONES 150

-- Harry hangs up. His sobs turns into his pain. His pain

turns into his misery.

151 IN MARION’S APARTMENT 151

-- Marion hangs up and wipes away her tears. She catches
her image in the mirror and quickly finishes her mascara.

Then: Crinkle, sprinkle, flick, drift, suck, sigh...

CUT TO:

152 INT. PSYCHE WARD - HALLWAY 152

Sara is still strapped to the wheelchair. Doctor Spencer
smiles at her.

DOCTOR SPENCER
Mrs Goldfarb, are you alright?

Sara can’t respond. She can only look. Doctor Spencer tries
to be positive.

DOCTOR SPENCER
Mrs Goldfarb, we’ve tried several
medications and you don’t seem to be
responding. I believe we’ve come to
a point where we need to try some
alternative methods. We’ve had
excellent results with these
techniques in the past. So if I can
just get your John Hancock, we’ll
get underway.




(CONTINUED)
102.

152 CONTINUED: 152

Doctor Spencer hands Sara a pen. Somehow, she is able to
sign.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Sara is restrained and forced to endure a feeding tube while Marion speaks with Harry on the phone about his return.
Strengths
  • The tension and despair are palpable, which creates a sense of urgency that propels the story forward.
  • The visuals are powerful and unsettling, particularly Sara's forced feeding scene.
Weaknesses
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive, which can make the scene feel stagnant at times.
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene in the following way:

1. Lack of narrative purpose: The scene in the Psych Ward with Sara being force-fed feels disconnected from the rest of the story. While it shows the horrific treatment of patients in psychiatric hospitals, it seems to be included just for shock value.

2. Lack of character development: We don't know anything about Sara, her background, or her mental state. As a result, we don't feel invested in her as a character, and her brutal treatment doesn't have the intended emotional impact.

3. Unrealistic portrayal of medical treatment: The scene with the force-feeding feels exaggerated and overly dramatized. While such treatment has been used in the past, this portrayal feels sensationalized and unlikely to happen in a modern hospital.

4. No transition between scenes: The sudden jump from the Psych Ward to Marion's apartment is jarring and disorienting. There is no clear connection between the two scenes, making it hard for the audience to follow the story.

Overall, this scene needs more development and integration into the larger story to make it effective.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene.

First, it's important to establish the setting and mood of the psych ward as soon as possible. This could be done with a brief establishing shot or a description of the surroundings. The scene could also benefit from some atmospheric sound, like the sound of patients murmuring or the hum of medical equipment.

Next, the dialogue between Doctor Spencer and Sara feels a bit too on-the-nose and cliché. It would be more effective to hint at the doctor's concern and the gravity of Sara's situation through his actions and body language, rather than having him spell it out for the audience.

The scene also lacks tension and conflict. While the feeding tube sequence is certainly disturbing, there's no real sense of danger or opposition in the scene overall. Adding some kind of obstacle or resistance for Sara, such as a fellow patient or a nurse who is sympathetic to her plight, could raise the stakes and make the scene more compelling.

Finally, it would be worthwhile to give Marion's subplot more weight and significance in the overall story. As it stands, her phone call with Harry feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. By tying Marion's storyline more closely to Sara's, the screenplay could create a stronger sense of thematic unity and resonance.



Scene 37 -  Withdrawal, Hospitalization, and Examination
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 5
153 INT. HOLDING TANK 153

Harry is withdrawing in pain on his bunk. Tyrone is at the
bars, sweating and dying.

HARRY
Jesus krist. I need a doctor.

TYRONE
(through bars)
My friend needs a doctor. Please.
He needs a doctor.

HARRY
I won’t make it.

TYRONE
(to Harry)
Just hang tough, baby. Just hang
tough.

HARRY
Please! Please, Ma! Help me.

TYRONE
(through bars)
Help! Please!

HARRY
Please, Maaaaaa!

CUT TO:

154 INT. PSYCHE WARD - HALLWAY 154

Sara is quickly unstrapped from her wheelchair. She’s lifted
up and placed onto a gurney. Her head hangs, lifeless.

Then she’s strapped down.

CUT TO:

155 INT. BIG TIM’S LUSH PAD 155

TIGHT ON Marion’s hand knocking on Big Tim’s front door.

TIGHT ON Big Tim’s famous smile:




(CONTINUED)
103.

155 CONTINUED: 155

BIG TIM
Maid Marion. Welcome.

CUT TO:

156 INT. PSYCHE WARD - HALLWAY 156

Sara is wheeled quickly through the halls of the asylum.

CUT TO:

157 EXT. HOLDING TANK 157

Tyrone tries to keep Harry in line with all the convicts but
Harry can barely stand.

A Court Doctor, followed by two Guards, moves from prisoner
to prisoner.

Bored to death he looks into each prisoner’s eyes with a
mini-mag and says:

COURT DOCTOR
Can you hear me? Can you see me?

EACH PRISONER RESPONDS:

PRISONER
Yes, sir.

The doctor checks a box on a piece of paper.

COURT DOCTOR
OK for work.

The Guards chuckle.

CUT TO:

158 INT. PSYCHE WARD - HALLWAY 158

Sara continues her trip on the gurney. Terror enters her
heart.

CUT TO:

159 EXT. HOLDING TANK 159

Now it’s Tyrone’s turn.

COURT DOCTOR
Can you hear me? Can you see me?

Tyrone nods. That isn’t good enough, and so a guard whacks
him in the back of the head.

(CONTINUED)
104.

159 CONTINUED: 159

GUARD
Say ’sir’, nigga. God damn New Yawk
dope fien’ niggas. Learn some
manners.

COURT DOCTOR
Can you hear me? Can you see me?

TYRONE
Yes, sir.

GUARD
Good boy.

They chuckle. The doctor moves down to Harry.

Harry can barely stand. His eyes are glazed over.

COURT DOCTOR
Can you hear me? Can you see me?

GUARD
Says he’s got something wrong with
his arm.

The doctor yanks Harry’s sleeve up. Lightning pain:

HARRY
(scream)
Ma...

Harry collapses. The guards laugh at him as they pick him
up.

GUARD
Your mommy isn’t here.

The doctor looks at Harry’s arm. The guards grab their noses
and almost yack from the smell.

COURT DOCTOR
I don’t think you’ll be putting any
more dope in that arm.

GUARD
Damn, it smells worse than he do.

COURT DOCTOR
Better get him over to the hospital.
I don’t expect he’ll live out the
week.

CUT TO:
105.



160 INT. PSYCHE WARD - SHOCK THERAPY ROOM 160

Sara is unstrapped from the gurney. Then she is lifted off
the gurney and laid on a table. Next she is strapped to the
table.

She tries to struggle but the hands are too many, too strong.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","psychological thriller"]

Summary Harry experiences intense withdrawal symptoms and is taken to a doctor, while Tyrone tries to help him. In the psyche ward, Sara is taken for a feeding tube and later undergoes shock therapy. Marion visits Big Tim for drugs.
Strengths
  • Intense scenes create high tension and drama
  • Characters' situations become increasingly desperate
  • Themes of addiction and mental illness are explored realistically
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue is somewhat sparse and lacking in subtlety
  • Some characters are less developed than others
Critique There are a few things to consider when critiquing a scene in isolation. First, it's important to understand its place in the story and its function within the overall narrative. Second, it's important to consider the scene's execution in terms of writing and visual storytelling.

In terms of placement within the story, this scene seems to be showing the consequences and fallout of Harry and Tyrone's drug use. It also introduces Sara's storyline, which will intersect with the main characters later on. However, this scene doesn't do much to advance the plot or character development. It feels like a transitional scene that is just moving the story along to the next plot point.

In terms of execution, the writing is serviceable, but not particularly engaging or memorable. The dialogue is functional, but lacks any unique or interesting character voices. The scene relies heavily on action and description to convey what's happening, which can be effective in film, but isn't particularly engaging on the page.

Visually, the scene is fairly straightforward. There aren't any interesting or innovative camera angles or techniques that make the scene stand out. The scene's setting, a holding tank, is also fairly generic and doesn't add much visual interest.

Overall, this scene feels like a functional but forgettable piece of the screenplay. It's not particularly engaging or memorable, and could benefit from more character development and visual interest.
Suggestions 1. Consider condensing or removing some of the shots in this sequence to streamline the pacing and enhance the focus on the most important moments.

2. Use more specific and evocative language to create a visceral and emotional impact on the audience. For example, instead of "Harry can barely stand," try "Harry's body convulses with pain as he staggers towards the bars."

3. Try to avoid cliches or predictable dialogue, such as "I won't make it" or "Just hang tough." Instead, push yourself to find unique and authentic ways for the characters to express their desperation and fear.

4. Consider adding in sensory details or physical actions that will enhance the visual storytelling, such as describing the sound of the guards' laughter or the smell of Harry's infected arm.

5. Think about the themes or motifs of the larger story, and use this scene as an opportunity to deepen or elevate those ideas. For example, if the movie is exploring the notion of hopelessness in oppressive systems, how might you heighten that sense of despair for Harry and Tyrone in this moment?



Scene 38 -  Orgy and Shock Therapy
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
161 INT. BIG TIM’S LUSH PAD 161

We hear twenty men cheer as we glimpse into the room.

They’re all wearing suits and holding flashlights.

TIGHT ON Marion’s shocked face. TIGHT ON Big Tim’s knowing
smile. TIGHT ON cigars in strangers’ mouths. TIGHT ON male
hands clapping. TIGHT ON empty faces of five other pretty
women checking out Marion.

BIG TIM
(whispering to Marion)
They be six of you cuttin’ up an
entire piece.

Marion looks at him.

BIG TIM
An’ it be real good.

Marion accepts it. Then...

TIGHT ON Big Tim’s famous smile:

BIG TIM
Show time.

The men shine their lights on Marion’s clothed tits, her
privates.

CUT TO:

162 INT. PSYCHE WARD - SHOCK THERAPY ROOM 162

Someone sticks something between Sara’s teeth. The people
around her talk casually and laugh occasionally.

She tries to look around but her body is immobile.

She can make out shadows on the edges of her vision but mostly
all she sees are the lights above her.




(CONTINUED)
106.

162 CONTINUED: 162

Then she feels two cold metal discs placed against her
temples.

CUT TO:

163 INT. EMERGENCY OPERATING ROOM 163

Harry is thrown onto an operating table. His clothes are
gone in a blink of the eye.

A serious and focused Emergency Doctor steps in.

EMERGENCY DOCTOR
We’re taking it off at the shoulder.

Let’s move here people, otherwise we lose him.

Harry remains semiconscious as the Anesthesiologist sticks a
mask over his face.

Everything starts to go white. The Emergency Doctor starts
up a circular saw.

Before everything is gone, Harry witnesses the doctor cutting
into his shoulder.

CUT TO:

164 INT. PSYCHE WARD 164

Sara’s heart pounds in her ears. She tries to scream, but a
Technician interrupts her:

TECHNICIAN
(off-screen)
OK, ready and one.

SMASH CUT TO:

BLINDING PRIMARY RED
We hear a crowd cheer!

CUT TO:

165 INT. BIG TIM’S LUSH PAD 165

In slow motion and tight close-ups we experience the orgy
with Marion.

There’s nipples, tongues, sex toys, eyes closed in ecstasy,
men’s glares, men’s smiles and the like. The images aren’t
sexy, they’re scary.

One of the girls holds up a double-headed dildo and says:


(CONTINUED)
107.

165 CONTINUED: 165

GIRL
What should we do now?

PERVERT SCREAMS OUT:

PERVERT
Ass to ass, ass to ass!

Marion complies and the flashlights shine. Then the Pervert
starts a chant:

PERVERT
Cum! Cum!

The other men join in as the pace quickens.

PERVERT AND ALL THE MEN
(building in pace and
volume)
Cum! Cum! CUM! CUM! CUM!! CUM!!!

Marion is at first afraid. Then, she closes her eyes. Her
lips start to quiver. Big Tim’s smile gets wider and wider
and wider.

And then Marion comes.

CUT TO:

166 INT. PSYCHE WARD - SHOCK THERAPY ROOM 166

Sara’s arched and stiffened body looks as if fire has just
shot through her body.

Her eyes are almost popping out of her head as her mind
screams AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

She settles for a moment on the table.

Her heart does not beat, her lungs do not breathe.

A moment later, the breath returns. Then the heartbeat slowly
emerges. And then, the Technician:

TECHNICIAN
OK, ready and two.

SMASH CUT TO:

PRIMARY RED
A crowd cheers!

THEN WE FADE TO:
108.



167 PRIMARY BLUE 167

Then we --

CUT BACK TO:

168 INT. PSYCHE WARD 168

Once again Sara tries to scream in pain. Flames seem to
sear every cell of her body and her bones feel like they are
being twisted and crushed.

Smoke simmers off of her hair and skin.

As her body settles, it happens one last time:

TECHNICIAN
OK, ready and three.

SMASH CUT TO:

169 PRIMARY BLUE 169

The crowd cheers once more.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Marion participates in a disturbing orgy at Big Tim's apartment while Harry's arm infection leads him to an emergency operation. Sara endures several rounds of shock therapy in the psyche ward.
Strengths "The scene is effective in creating a disturbing and uncomfortable atmosphere that matches the characters' experiences."
Weaknesses "Some of the visual descriptions may be too graphic or disturbing for some viewers."
Critique As an AI language model, I cannot provide a critique from a screenwriting expert's perspective, but I can give some observations and feedback.

The scene is extremely graphic and traumatic, showcasing three different scenarios of horrible things happening to different characters. The use of extreme close-ups and tight shots creates a sense of discomfort and claustrophobia, while the use of primary colors - red and blue - adds a layer of intensity and emotion to the scenes.

However, while the scene may be impactful, it is also very disturbing and may trigger a negative emotional response from the audience. The depiction of sexual violence and medical procedures without proper consent or context can be seen as insensitive and disrespectful.

Overall, while the scene may serve a purpose in the story, it should be approached with caution and sensitivity given the subject matter.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestion would be to remove this scene altogether. These extreme examples of violence and sexual objectification add little to the plot and can be triggering for the audience. These scenes should only be included if they serve a clear purpose for the story and characters, rather than being gratuitous. As screenwriters, it's important to consider the impact of our stories on the audience and be mindful of sensitive topics.



Scene 39 -  Breakdowns and Disillusionment
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
170 EXT. CONEY ISLAND PIER 170

The pier stretches off into the beautiful sea. A woman in a
red dress walks a baby carriage.

Now we’re on Harry, looking healthy and vibrant. He screams
for Marion!

But she doesn’t hear him and she keeps walking. He runs
after them.

When he gets close, he suddenly stops. Marion turns around.

He reaches to hug her. But, as he does we are in --

BLACK

Harry gets terrified. He starts to scream for Marion.

HARRY
Marion? Marion?!

He steps backwards off the edge of a cliff and rushes
headfirst into a concrete sidewalk as he screams:

HARRY
MARION!


(CONTINUED)
109.

170 CONTINUED: 170

And we --

CUT TO:

171 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM 171

An Angelic Nurse looks down upon Harry. Tubes stick into
every part of him. His eyes are half-open.

She wipes the sweat from his brow.

HARRY
Marion.

ANGELIC NURSE
It’s alright. Don’t worry. You’re
in a hospital and you’re going to be
just fine.

HARRY
Marion. Marion.

ANGELIC NURSE
Who’s that? She’ll be sent for.
She’ll come. She loves you and she’ll
come.

Then Harry opens his eyes fully. For a moment he understands.

He is an adult and he is calm.

HARRY
No.

ANGELIC NURSE
No?

HARRY
No. She won’t.

ANGELIC NURSE
She’ll come.

HARRY
No. She won’t.

And then Harry starts to cry. As we float up high above his
bed we watch him curl into a ball.

CUT TO:

172 EXT. JAIL MACHINE SHOP 172

Tyrone drills holes into metal plates with an oversized
machine. He dry heaves and fights to stay in his seat.

(CONTINUED)
110.

172 CONTINUED: 172

A Laughing Guard snickers at him.

CUT TO:

173 INT. MARION’S APARTMENT 173

At the foot of Marion’s couch are the torn and smeared
sketches of Marion’s designs.

Marion comes in through the front door. She walks across
the sketches and sits on the couch. She has lipstick smeared
across her face.

She pulls out a large bag of dope and stares at it. Happily,
she fondles the bag. Then, she hugs it tight against her
bosom. Slowly, she curls up into a fetal position, content.

CUT TO:

174 INT. JAIL DORMITORY 174

The work gang collapse onto their individual bunks. Tyrone,
sweaty and dirty, does the same.

He fights the cramps in his stomach for as long as he can
until he passes out.

Then, Tyrone and his bed dissolve into the past. Young Tyrone
rests in his mom’s generous arms.

Finally, it is peaceful. Tyrone’s mom brushes the tears
from his eyes.

TYRONE’S MOTHER
How’s your tummy feel?

YOUNG TYRONE
It’s mostly gone, Momma. I doan’
need no more medicine.

TYRONE’S MOTHER
That’s my big boy.

He looks up at his mom as she starts to sing ’Hush little
baby’.

YOUNG TYRONE
Your breath be all nice an’ sweet,
Mommy.

She hugs her son tight.




(CONTINUED)
111.

174 CONTINUED: 174

TYRONE’S MOTHER
The sweetness be in you, child, the
sweetness be in you.

CUT TO:

175 INT. PSYCHE WARD - VISITING ROOM 175

Ada and Rae sit in the corner of the room stunned by their
surroundings. Mounted on the wall is a television. Tappy
Tibbons is on. No one is watching.

Sara shuffles towards them and they barely recognize her.

Her grey roots match her grey skin which matches her grey
gown.

Ada starts taking food out of a large shopping bag.

ADA
We got some lox and cream cheese and
bagels and blintzes with sour cream
and some danishes and pastrami and
chopped liver on rye with mustard
and onions and a container of tea
and... How are you, Dolly?

But Sara doesn’t answer. She can’t. They put their hands
on their friend’s shoulders but nothing seems to reach her.

Then they notice that water is dripping down Sara’s leg and
onto the floor. Sara has urinated on herself.

CUT TO:

176 EXT. BUS STOP 176

Ada and Rae sit waiting for the bus on a grey day in front
of a grey building. Tears flow from their eyes. They hug
each other.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Harry has a terrifying hallucination, leading to hospitalization while Tyrone is struggling in jail. Marion indulges in drugs and has a disturbing sexual encounter. Sara is in a catatonic state in the psyche ward.
Strengths
  • Effective use of metaphors and imagery
  • Building up the tension and drama
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes feel disconnected and disjointed from the overall narrative
Critique There are a few issues with this scene. Firstly, it jumps around between multiple locations and characters, which can make it difficult for the audience to fully engage with any one storyline. Secondly, there is a lack of clarity in certain moments, such as when Harry steps backwards off a cliff and rushes headfirst into a concrete sidewalk - it's not clear what actually happens in this moment. Thirdly, there is a lack of subtext and emotional depth in some of the dialogue, such as the exchange between Harry and the Angelic Nurse. Overall, the scene could benefit from more focus and clarity in each individual storyline, as well as more attention given to the emotional nuances of each character's journey.
Suggestions The main issue with this scene is the lack of clarity in the narrative. It is not clear what exactly is happening, particularly in the scene with Harry. The abrupt transition to him falling off a cliff makes it confusing for the audience. Additionally, the transitions between different characters and locations could be smoother.

To improve this scene, consider the following suggestions:

- Clarify what is happening to Harry. Provide some context or explanation for why he falls off the cliff and why Marion won't come to him.
- Use more descriptive language to set the mood and tone of each location and scene. This will help the audience to better understand the emotional state of each character.
- Consider using more explicit visual cues or dialogue to establish the transitions between scenes. This will help the audience to follow the story more easily.
- Think about whether there are any other ways to convey the emotions or experiences of these characters that would be more engaging or impactful on screen. For example, is there a way to show Tyrone's struggles with addiction more vividly or to make Sara's situation in the psych ward more clear to the audience?



Scene 40 -  Sara's Fantasy
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 6
177 INT. PSYCHE WARD 177

Sara lies on her bed. A tiny smile emerges on her face.

We get closer and closer to her until we go into the blackness
of her pupil.

Deep in the blackness we see another world. It is a world
of PRIMARY BLUE. And sucking us into the blue is the roar
of a crowd.

And there with a giant smile is good ol’ Tappy in black tie.

(CONTINUED)
112.

177 CONTINUED: 177

He looks into the camera and says:

TAPPY TIBBONS
And our next winner is that delightful
personality, straight from Brighton
Beach, Brooklyn, please give a juicy
welcome to Mrs Goldfarb.

Red Sara steps out and joins Tappy. She’s overwhelmed.

TAPPY AND AUDIENCE
Juice by Sara! Juice by Sara!
Juice by Sara! ooooOOOOH! Sara’s
got juice! Sara’s got juice!
ooooOOOOH Sara!

TAPPY TIBBONS
And Mrs Goldfarb, that’s not it.
I’m delighted to tell you that you’ve
just won the grand prize.

RED SARA
Really?

TAPPY TIBBONS
Yes! How does it feel?!

RED SARA
It feels great. I feel wonderful.
I feel amazing. This is great!

The audience goes crazy, they love it. And they start to
chant:

AUDIENCE
We love Sara! We love Sara!

The chant continues...

TAPPY TIBBONS
They love you, Sara.

RED SARA
I love them. Oh, I love them.

TAPPY TIBBONS
Now let me show you what you’ve won.
Your prize has a sweet smile and his
own private business. He just got
engaged and he’s planning to get
married this summer. Will you please
give a juicy welcome to Mrs Sara
Goldfarb’s one and only son --
Harry Goldfarb!


(CONTINUED)
113.

177 CONTINUED: (2) 177

Harry walks out from back. The audience are out of their
seats, screaming at the tops of their lungs. Sara is gushing!

TAPPY AND AUDIENCE
Juice by Harry! Juice by Harry!
Juice by Harry! ooooOOOOH! Harry’s
got juice! Harry’s got juice!
ooooOOOOH Harry!

Harry walks out and hugs his mother.

RED SARA
Oh Harry, Harry, Harry. I love you,
Harry.

HARRY
I love you too, Ma.

They hug and they hug as the audience scream their applause.

A smile fills Sara’s beautiful face. Happiness. Total and
complete love.

Except for the truth, the nagging reality. It means tears
for Sara and her sparkling eyes well up with fantastic, warm
tears.

But they don’t damage her glorious smile.

FADE TO BLACK:

CREDITS ROLL
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a catatonic state, Sara has a vivid and joyous hallucination in which she becomes a game show contestant, wins a grand prize, and is reunited with her son, Harry. The scene ends with Sara crying happy tears despite the harsh reality of her situation.
Strengths "Sara's vivid hallucination is a poignant and emotional moment that reveals the depth of her longing for Harry. The contrast with her real-life situation creates a bittersweet effect that resonates with the viewer."
Weaknesses "The scene has little impact on the plot and could be seen as padding. The game show fantasy feels out of place and somewhat contrived."
Critique Overall, this scene appears to be from the movie "Requiem for a Dream," and it is a poignant and emotional moment in the film. In terms of screenwriting, the scene effectively conveys Sara's immense joy and happiness, as well as the heartbreaking reality that underlies it. The use of different colors and sound effects helps to create a surreal and dream-like atmosphere. It is also a significant turning point in the plot, as this moment represents Sara's ultimate triumph and descent into addiction.

However, if we were to critique the scene in terms of its structure, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, while the use of close-ups and sound effects can be effective in creating a sense of intimacy or suspense, it is important to also consider the pacing and overall flow of the scene. This scene feels a bit slow and drawn-out, especially towards the end when Sara's tears are mentioned. Tightening up the pacing could help to keep the audience's attention focused on the emotional impact of the moment.

Another consideration is the dialogue between Tappy, Sara, and the audience. While the chanting and cheers help to create a sense of excitement and energy, some of the dialogue feels a bit forced or exaggerated. This could be improved by using more naturalistic language or by using gestures and body language to convey the characters' emotions instead of relying solely on dialogue.

Overall, this scene is a strong example of effective screenwriting that can evoke powerful emotions in the audience. By considering pacing, dialogue, and overall structure, screenwriters can create memorable and impactful moments in their scripts.
Suggestions This scene seems to be the culmination of the protagonist's journey, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the story. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Give the audience context: The scene needs to show why Sara is in a psychiatric ward and how winning a prize on a TV show connects to her mental health issues. Without this context, the scene feels like a random fantasy.

2. Use symbolism: The primary blue world could be a symbol for the escapism that TV provides, while Sara's tears show the harsh reality she must eventually face.

3. Add conflict: Up until this point, there has been no conflict or tension. Adding a sense of urgency or a sense of loss could increase the emotional impact of the scene.

4. Develop the characters: The characters feel flat and one-dimensional. Adding some backstory or personality traits could make them more relatable and engaging.

5. Make the scene more visual: Screenplays are a visual medium, so try to show instead of telling. Use imagery and metaphors to create a more cinematic experience.