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Scene 1 -  Colonel Parker's Dilemma: Balancing Elvis' Health and His Fans' Expectations
INT. ORDINARY APT. (VEGAS) - LATE AFTERNOON (1997)

The sun-spotted hand of an old man adjusts a radio dial.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(on radio)
It's a beautiful jackpot of a day
here in Las Vegas and, you guessed
it, the biggest song of 1997...

The jaunty Euro hit "Macarena!" plays as a frail,
corpulent MAN ascends a ladder and strains to lift a box
marked, "CHRISTMAS CARDS, 1997."

Annoyed by the music, he flicks the dial again: ear-
splitting white noise.

THUD! He crashes onto the floor. CHRISTMAS CARDS are
splayed around him.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I know what you're thinking... who
the hell is this Colonel fellow?

The man's fleshy, grey face gasping desperately. This is
COLONEL TOM PARKER (87).

We TRACK ACROSS him to the Christmas cards: a portrait of
Elvis, magnificent, king-like, beside the old man
dressed in an ill-fitting Santa suit. An inscription
reads: "Merry Christmas, from Elvis and the Colonel."

SMASH CUT TO:


EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - DUSK

SIRENS BLARE! As an AMBULANCE screams through the neon
heart of Sin City, we hear...

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Colonel Tom Parker, legendary
manager of Elvis Presley, has been
rushed to Valley Hospital...


INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

LOOKING DOWN ON: Colonel. Eyes closed. Dead-looking.
MEDICS attempt to revive him.




(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
There are some who’d make me out
to be the villain of this here
story...


EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - DUSK

The ambulance races past the International Hotel.

The CAMERA WHIP PANS TO its towering sign: "THE STAR TREK
EXPERIENCE: BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE."

The sign SPINS ON ITS AXIS as we JOURNEY BACK TO the
International of the 1970s. The sign now heralding:
"ELVIS!"


EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - PORTE COCHERE - NIGHT (1974)

We STREAM ALONG WITH the ELVIS FANS pouring out of limos
and THROUGH the hotel's glass doors...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Who’d say I exploited the boy and
stole all his money...

A CAMERA CREW shoots 16MM FOOTAGE of CROWDS being ushered
through the lobby. QUICK CUTS of every possible
permutation of merchandise being snatched up by the
adoring crowds.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Trapped him in Vegas and enabled
his drug addiction...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SERVICE CORRIDOR - NIGHT

SPLASH! We're UNDERWATER. A DROWNED MAN, pale face
obscured by long, black tendrils of hair...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

Onstage, a WARM-UP COMEDIAN cracks cheesy gags.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - CASINO - NIGHT

By a roped-off craps table, a gold trolley stacked high
with chips. A small crowd looks on as a gruff-looking
security guard, RED WEST, ushers in the beige TOM DISKIN.
He leans in to the cigar-puffing silhouette of the
Colonel, whispering in his ear.

(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
And eventually, when I had
squeezed all I could out of him...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SERVICE CORRIDOR - NIGHT

SUDDENLY: THE DROWNED MAN is pulled by his hair from a
bucket of ice water! This is ELVIS PRESLEY (38).

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... I destroyed him.

TILT UP as a still corpulent, but younger, 64-YEAR-OLD
COLONEL enters, brandishing his elephant-headed cane. He
takes in the situation before him.

Elvis has collapsed on the floor. His bodyguards, SONNY
and Red West, hold staff at bay. Childhood friend JERRY
SCHILLING shoots a recriminating glance at the Colonel.

NURSE TISH suppresses panic as DR. NICK holds Elvis’ head
above a bucket of ice water. Everyone looks to Colonel.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
That's right. It was me who killed
Elvis Presley.

Colonel’s steely gaze. A frightening moment of
consideration as we hear...

COLONEL
Now, you listen up real good. The
only thing that matters is that
that man gets on that stage
tonight!

But then, Nurse Tish pipes up courageously.

NURSE TISH
If he was my son...

She glances to a grey-haired man with a pencil mustache
arriving meekly in the shadows. This is VERNON PRESLEY
(57). Elvis’ father.

NURSE TISH
... I’d put him in the hospital.

Suddenly cold, off-handed:

COLONEL
Of course, it’s a Presley
Enterprises decision, Vernon...

All eyes on Vernon.
4.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

The comic, running out of gags, stalls for time. The
crowd grows restless at their tables.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SERVICE CORRIDOR - NIGHT

After an eternity, Vernon mumbles:

VERNON
What can you do for him, Dr. Nick?

Dr. Nick pops open his BAG OF TRICKS. WE GLIMPSE: MEDS,
PILLS, SYRINGES. As Dr. Nick prepares an injection...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

DUM! DUM! DUM! DUM! A thunderous drum roll...

As now we see IMAGES in the style of A SUPERHERO DONNING
HIS COSTUME: WHITE JUMPSUIT! DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED PRIZE-
FIGHTER BELT! 9MM SLIPPED INTO HIS LEFT BOOT, GOLD PPK
SLIPPED IN HIS RIGHT! CHRISTIAN, JEWISH, AND BUDDHIST
BLING! THE LIGHTNING BOLT NECKLACE ALREADY IN PLACE!!!

AN AMERICAN EAGLE CAPE SPREADS ITS RHINESTONE WINGS!

ELVIS
(sings)
Glory! Glory!!! Halleluuuujah!!!

The eagle turns to REVEAL: Superhero Elvis, reaching for
the final divine notes, spreading his wings up to God...

ELVIS
(sings)
His truuuuth is maaaarching
ooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!

The ballad crescendos! Elvis’ giant band lashes their
instruments. Two gospel choirs: one white, one Black.

ELVIS
(sings)
His truuuuth is maaaarching
ooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!

As the last chords thunder through the night, we GO TO...
5.


EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - NIGHT

The Elvis sign has transformed back into "The Star Trek
Experience." With a BEEP, BEEP, we--

JUMP CUT BACK TO:


INT. VALLEY HOSPITAL - COLONEL’S ROOM - NIGHT (1997)

The ‘90s Hilton seen THROUGH the window. Colonel lies in
a hospital bed.

The Colonel jolts upward.

OLD COLONEL
No!... It's not true. I didn't
kill him... I loved him. I didn’t
kill him. But I know who did.

He looks up to the morphine drip. The BEEP, BEEP of the
heart monitor transforms into a MUSICAL PULSE as morphine
snakes down a plastic tube into the Colonel's arm.

OLD COLONEL
It weren’t me...

Colonel slowly pulls back the bedsheets and stands,
taking his IV stand with him. We TRACK ACROSS get well
paraphernalia. A red balloon appears, seemingly part of
the get well gifts. Colonel is drawn toward it.

OLD COLONEL
And it weren’t nothing to do with
what them dirt farmers and
muckrakers wrote up in all them
books.

The beat kicks in, balloon in one hand, IV stand in the
other. He shuffles down the corridor to the music.

OLD COLONEL
Evil manager? I wasn't his
manager! I was his promoter! It
was my job to present him to you.
To sell, package, and make money
in every conceivable way! And I
did!

As he glides down the corridor, a photo of Elvis and
Colonel appears.

OLD COLONEL
Elvis, the showman, and the
Colonel, the snowman.

(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:

Colonel's elephant-headed cane appears in his hand and he
gestures towards the walls, now collaged with snapshots
of Colonel and Elvis.

OLD COLONEL
There are thousands of photos of
me and my boy...

A collage of a thousand images now sprawls across both
sides of the corridor.

OLD COLONEL
Huddled, plotting, planning, and
whispering! Only I know what we
talked of. I know what was said.

The hospital hallway gives way to a corridor of Elvis
merchandise, packed with stuffed hound dogs, calendars,
buttons, hats and more balloons.

OLD COLONEL
But I never wrote no book. I never
sold my story. I never told the
real story. I never told the truth
about me and my boy. I never
talked...

The Colonel dons a boater hat.

OLD COLONEL
... until now!!

CUT TO a gold curtain rising to reveal: Old Colonel, now
resplendent in a striped blazer, every inch the carnival
barker, miming along to a contemporary, orchestral
version of Elvis' song, "Carnival Time." Colonel sashays
and warbles down a staircase into SPACE.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
Come on kids from eight to eighty
Hey there, mister, bring your lady
There's a big show on the inside
It's carnival time!

He balances on a tightrope above an abstract Vegas Strip.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
Popcorn, peanuts, and cotton candy
Pink lemonade that's dan-dan-dandy
Be a big shot for a dollar.
It's carnival time!



(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED: (2)

Grabbing a bunch of balloons, he glides down off the
tightrope. He spins a roulette wheel, taking us back in
time...

Colonel, now with a stick-and-bindle over his shoulder,
runs along a WIGGLY CARPET that leads to a far-away model
of a 1930s carnival.

OLD COLONEL
As an orphan, I ran away to the
carnival, where I learned my
trade... the snow job.

PUSH IN on a red curtain touting "Tom Parker's Famous
Dancing Chickens."

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Tom Parker’s Famous Dancing
Chickens!

Curtains fly open to reveal Old Colonel in front of a
stage on which ordinary chickens cluck about. A band
plays side-stage. A group of RUBES watches, intrigued.

OLD COLONEL
Ladies and gentleman, direct from
the deepest jungles of Peru... The
high-kicking chorus line of the
Barnyard Ballet!

CLOSE ON Colonel as he reveals the gas burners, secretly
heating the underside of the stage.

OLD COLONEL
(to camera)
Now then... the snow job! The art
of emptying a rube’s wallet while
leaving them with nothing but a
smile on their face.

As the plates heat up, the chickens appear to dance. The
rubes applaud! A mystical, minor-chord version of
"Carnival Time" begins.

OLD COLONEL
It was also in the carnival that I
learned from the great Madame
Zeena...

Colonel gestures to a caravan and we ZOOM TOWARDS it to
find MADAME ZEENA, a fortune teller gazing down into a
crystal ball.




(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED: (3)

OLD COLONEL
The dark arts of hypnotism,
mentalism, and how to read a man's
greatest flaws and desires.

We see Colonel inside the ball, a backdrop of a European
village behind him. He waves his elephant cane to the
CAMERA, hypnotizing us, and throws cash in the air. As
the cash floats downward, it becomes falling snow.

OLD COLONEL
Of course, any promoter is limited
by the draw of his attraction.

We TRACK ACCROSS posters of the carnival oddities....
MERMAID MONSTER, LOBSTER BOY, ALIGATOR MAN.

OLD COLONEL
I had my acts... the Mermaid
Monster, Lobster Boy...

A young man (the silhouette of Elvis) stands in front of
THE GEEK poster.

OLD COLONEL
But the act that always made the
most snow is the one that excited
the audience with what they truly
feared and desired.

Old Colonel’s sun-spotted claw reaches out towards the
silhouette...

OLD COLONEL
The Geek...

Colonel pulls a lever and suddenly, jackpot on the slot
machine! ‘DING DING DING’ Elvis and Geek heads. Colonel
dances along a HALL OF MIRRORS in which we see
reflections of Elvis.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
Roustabouts are roustabout'n
And there's happy shouts, children
shoutin'
If you've got doubts quit your
doubtin'

We see teddy bears reflected in the mirrors!

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
There's thrills...

Hound dogs reflected in the mirrors!
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED: (4)

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
It's spice...

Rows and rows of merchandise fill the mirrors!

OLD COLONEL
It's cheap at half the price!

Colonel sings as he bobs along on his Jamboree cart,
pulled by elephants. Inanimate merchandise comes to life
and marches along behind him! Thanksgiving Day Parade-
style hound dog balloons drift overhead.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
So don't be bashful, buy a ticket
Get the habit never kick it

CUT TO the band back in the ‘Dancing Chickens’ tent, who
pluck along.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Elvis)
Hear the band there...

CUT TO the dancing chickens.

OLD COLONEL
(shouting at
chickens)
Don't just stand there!

With a gesture of his cane to the audience:

OLD COLONEL
I was an impresario of
astonishment!

Colonel runs up a wiggly carpet to a Carnival.

OLD COLONEL
It's carnival time!!

He hitches a ride on a tremendous Ferris Wheel, swooping
into the sky above the glittering, soft-focused lights of
the midway. Hank Snow's country and western ballad, “Fool
Such As I" softly begins.

OLD COLONEL
My next attraction was in the
country music business. I
partnered with one of its biggest
stars... Hank Snow!


(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED: (5)

The Colonel looks below, where HANK SNOW, a ten-gallon-
hatted diminutive country singer, and his troubadours
perform on a stage at the Carnival.

HANK SNOW
(sings)
Pardon me if I’m sentimental when
we say goodbye...

The country music crowd is delighted.

OLD COLONEL
(miming to Hank Snow)
Now and then, there's a fool such
as I...
(speaking to camera)
Prophetic words. Hank Snow, such a
fool.

Looking on from the wings: an identically-dressed 19-year-
old version of Hank, JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW.

OLD COLONEL
And his hapless son, Jimmie
Rodgers Snow.

An abstract version of Elvis' "That's All Right" begins
to overwhelm the sound of Hank's voice. With the turn of
the Ferris wheel, night becomes day...
Genres: ["Drama","Biography","Musical"]

Summary The scene starts with Colonel Tom Parker struggling to lift a box of Christmas cards in his apartment in 1997, which leads to his hospitalization. The scene then shifts back in time to the International Hotel during Elvis' performances in the 1970s, showing the crowds, merchandise, and backstage preparations. The main conflict in the scene is between Colonel Parker, who wants Elvis to perform, and the other characters who are concerned about Elvis' health. The conflict is resolved when Vernon Presley ultimately decides to let Elvis perform. The scene ends with Elvis' iconic performance, complete with a white jumpsuit, diamond-encrusted prize-fighter belt, and an American eagle cape.
Strengths
  • Innovative storytelling through visual and mimed elements
  • Emotionally resonant themes of truth and redemption
  • Complex and well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing without prior knowledge of Elvis Presley's history

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, visually captivating, and emotionally resonant. It effectively sets up the conflict and themes of the story while providing depth to the character of Colonel Tom Parker.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a carnival setting to explore the life and inner thoughts of Colonel Tom Parker is unique and well-executed. The blending of past and present through visual storytelling adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot is intriguing, with the revelation of Colonel Tom Parker's inner turmoil and guilt over Elvis Presley's death. The scene sets up the central conflict and themes of the story effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the relationship between Colonel Tom Parker and Elvis Presley, exploring themes of loyalty, exploitation, and showmanship in a unique setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Colonel Tom Parker, are well-developed and complex. Their inner thoughts and motivations are revealed through actions and dialogue, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Colonel Tom Parker undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, confronting his past and revealing his inner turmoil. This sets up a potential character arc for him in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reveal the truth about his relationship with Elvis Presley and clear his name of any wrongdoing. He wants to set the record straight and show his love and loyalty to Elvis.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure that Elvis gets on stage and performs despite his health issues. He wants to maintain the show and keep the audience entertained.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Colonel Tom Parker as he grapples with his past actions and their consequences. The scene sets up the conflict between truth and deception.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas among the characters. The audience is left wondering about the true intentions of the protagonist and other key players.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Colonel Tom Parker confronts his past actions and the truth behind Elvis Presley's death. The revelation of his guilt raises the emotional stakes of the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, themes, and character motivations. It sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its shifting timelines, unexpected revelations, and complex character dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of exploitation and loyalty in the entertainment industry. It challenges the protagonist's values of promotion and profit versus genuine care and love for an artist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through Colonel Tom Parker's confessional and reflective moments. The themes of regret and redemption resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner conflicts of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and themes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic storytelling, emotional depth, and intriguing characters. The blend of music, visuals, and dialogue keeps the audience captivated and invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of introspection with action and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, utilizing visual cues and descriptive language to enhance the storytelling. The formatting adds to the overall atmosphere and engagement of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different time periods and locations seamlessly. It maintains a cohesive narrative while exploring multiple layers of the protagonist's story.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a long description of the Colonel's physical appearance and his struggle with the radio and Christmas cards. This description is detailed, but it is not particularly relevant to the story and could be shortened to focus more on the Colonel's actions and motivations.
  • The scene cuts back and forth between the Colonel in the present day and flashbacks to the 1970s. This can be confusing for the reader and it would be helpful to have a clearer structure to the scene, such as starting with the present day and then cutting to the flashbacks.
  • The dialogue in the scene is often stilted and unnatural. It would be helpful to rewrite the dialogue to make it more conversational and engaging.
  • The scene ends with the Colonel being rushed to the hospital. This is a dramatic moment, but it is not clear what will happen next. It would be helpful to provide the reader with a clearer sense of the stakes and what is at stake for the Colonel.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the description of the Colonel's physical appearance and his struggle with the radio and Christmas cards.
  • Provide a clearer structure to the scene, such as starting with the present day and then cutting to the flashbacks.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more conversational and engaging.
  • Provide the reader with a clearer sense of the stakes and what is at stake for the Colonel.



Scene 2 -  Discovery of Elvis Presley's Music and a Spontaneous Decision
EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY (1955)

Carnies pack up the carnival, tawdry in the morning
light. The abstract “That’s All Right“ transforms into
the original song, emanating in mono from a car radio.

CRANE DOWN to discover Jimmie Rodgers Snow, clutching a
record as he passes a gum-chewing teenager in the cab of
a truck. He flashes the record.

JIMMMY
Hot diggity dog, I got one! It
will blow their socks off.

We FOLLOW Jimmie to an open-flap chow tent, pitched
amidst the vehicles.


EXT. CARNIVAL - CHOW TENT - CONTINUOUS ACTION

45-YEAR-OLD COLONEL puffs his cigar and points with his
cane to a huge map of the South splayed in front of him.



(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Security, Diskin! Tell the mayors
of all these towns that we need a
police escort when Hank arrives in
town.

Colonel points to a couple more engagements on the map.
Typing out instructions at a nearby desk, is his
impossibly-bland lieutenant TOM DISKIN (35).

COLONEL
In Baton Rouge, we’ll stage a
carny wedding at the top of the
Ferris wheel. Madam Zeena, pick
out your next husband. In New
Orleans we’re going to use a
loudspeaker to announce you, Hank.
(to the Little
People)
Meaz-y leaz-ittle freaz-iends,
you’re going to be marching in a
parade!

LITTLE PEOPLE
Feaz-uck!/Sheaz-it!

HANK SNOW (O.S.)
And I'll be riding an elephant
too?

Next to Diskin, a nudie-suited Hank Snow strums his
guitar and half-listens to the Colonel. Around them, a
variety of COUNTRY PERFORMERS, as well as the odd
SIDESHOW CARNY, Zeena among them.

COLONEL
A man on an elephant seems
important.

DISKIN
(sotto)
And taller...

HANK SNOW
But we still need a novelty act to
bring in the young folk.

COLONEL
That’s why I’ve got you a meeting
with the Duke of Paducah tonight.
If we can book the funniest mouth
in the South as our opening act,
we’ll have the best show of the
season. We’ll be feasting on cake.


(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED: (2)

Suddenly, we hear Elvis' high-pitched voice cutting off
Hank, mid-strum:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(on record)
That's all right, mama
That's all right with you
That's all right, mama
Any way you do...

All turn to see Jimmie Rodgers defiantly standing next to
the portable record player.

HANK SNOW
Jimmie, turn that racket off!

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW
But y'all have to hear this! Kids
all over town are singing it
everywhere I go.

All present listen intently.

HANK SNOW
I hear Negro rhythms...

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW
But with a country flavor!

Diskin picks up the record sleeve.

DISKIN
Sun Records, that’s Sam Phillips’
label.

COLONEL
Phillips? That fella who makes
race records? With all them
colored singers?

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW
This fella’s on the ‘Hayride’
tonight, after me, in the
newcomers spot.

COLONEL
They ain't puttin' a colored boy
on the ‘Hayride’!

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW
That’s the thing! He’s white!

The Colonel plucks the cigar from his mouth.

COLONEL
White...
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED: (3)


Suddenly, the voice of radio announcer DEWEY PHILLIPS can
be heard wafting in from the cab of the nearby truck.

DEWEY PHILLIPS (V.O.)
(on radio)
What do you think, Memphis?
Should we play it for the 27th
time?

Colonel rests his cane on his shoulder. He's strangely
still, which has the effect of drawing everyone in.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It doesn't matter if you do ten
stupid things... As long as you do
one smart one.

Colonel intones hypnotically:

COLONEL
How far to Shreveport, Diskin?

DISKIN
Two hours.

COLONEL
Send the Duke our apologies. We’re
going to the Hayride.

As the Colonel and Diskin make a beeline for their
vehicle, Hank catches on:

HANK SNOW
Ahh... A novelty act!
Genres: ["Drama","Biography","Music"]

Summary At a carnival in 1955, Jimmie Rodgers Snow shares Elvis Presley's record with his colleagues, sparking excitement and curiosity. The Colonel, the carnival's leader, decides to attend a local music event in Shreveport after hearing the record, causing a sudden shift in plans. The scene is filled with a lively and engaging atmosphere as carnival workers pack up for the day.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective character introductions
  • Nostalgic tone
Weaknesses
  • Mild conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and introduces key characters while maintaining a nostalgic and exciting tone. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of discovering a new talent and the clash between different music genres is compelling and sets the stage for the rest of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward as Colonel Tom Parker decides to attend Elvis's performance, setting up future events and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the music industry of the 1950s, blending elements of country and rock 'n' roll with racial dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is a subtle shift in Colonel Tom Parker's perception of Elvis and his potential.

Internal Goal: 8

Jimmie Rodgers Snow's internal goal is to showcase a new record he believes will impress the others and establish his reputation as a performer.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a novelty act for the upcoming show, which will enhance the carnival's performance and draw in a larger audience.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between the characters regarding Elvis's music and potential success.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as characters clash over the inclusion of a new artist and the potential impact on the carnival's success.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, but the potential for success in the music industry is hinted at.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its introduction of a new character and the potential consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around racial prejudices and stereotypes, as the characters debate the inclusion of a white artist in a predominantly black music scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes nostalgia and excitement, setting the emotional tone for the rest of the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its lively dialogue, character dynamics, and the introduction of a new conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively through character interactions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted appropriately for its genre, with clear scene headings and character descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character interactions and dialogue in a carnival setting.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what obstacles they face.
  • The dialogue is mostly exposition and does not reveal much about the characters or their relationships.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more focused and impactful.
  • The scene lacks strong visuals and imagery to make it more engaging for the reader.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and does not leave the reader with a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene, such as the Colonel trying to convince Jimmie Rodgers Snow to book Elvis on the 'Hayride'.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Add more strong visuals and imagery to the scene to make it more engaging for the reader.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as the Colonel convincing Jimmie Rodgers Snow to book Elvis on the 'Hayride'.



Scene 3 -  Tension Builds as Elvis Prepares to Perform on the Hayride Show
EXT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

HIGH WIDE OVER the Shreveport auditorium. We can hear
Jimmie Rodgers Snow singing within:

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW (V.O.)
How do you think I feel?
I know your love’s not real...


INT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

On stage, six diamond-studded, ten-gallon-hatted COWBOYS
croon around a COWGIRL, the object of Jimmie Rodgers
Snow’s affection.

JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW
(sings)
Another’s purdy speech,
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
JIMMIE RODGERS SNOW (CONT'D)
Has put you out of reach
How do you think I feel...?

At the back of the auditorium, Diskin and Hank look on as
Jimmie leads the delighted audience to clap-and-respond.

HANK SNOW
The apple doesn’t fall far from
the tree! Jimmie has them eating
out of the palm of his hand!
(beat)
Where’s Colonel?

DISKIN
Making enquiries.


INT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Colonel is behind the backdrop, gathering intel from
Hayride founder, HORACE LOGAN. PERFORMERS come and go.

COLONEL
Have you heard that fella singing
‘All Right Mama,’ the new record
on the Sun Label?

HORACE LOGAN
The pop jocks are playing him,
country deejays, too. Hell, even
the colored kids are buying his
record.

COLONEL
Colored kids? Where might I find
this act?

HORACE LOGAN
Dressing rooms!

As Horace reenters the stage, he gestures in the
direction of the dressing rooms from which a YOUNG MAN
carrying a guitar appears, heading for the stage door.

The Young Man stops briefly to address the house drummer
D.J FONTANA sitting backstage:

YOUNG MAN
Hey, you the house drummer? Just
play the back beat and stay out of
our way!

D.J. nods as the Young Man runs past the STAGE MANAGER.



(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED:

STAGE MANAGER
Ellis Presley, Blue Moon Boys,
you’re up next.

Colonel follows, watching THROUGH the window as...


EXT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The Young Man descends the stairs, passing a PICKUP
TRUCK, in which good ole boys drink beer and flirt with
their gals.

He joins BILL BLACK (28), who cradles a double-bass
beneath the stairs. Bill reads a poster for tonight’s
show. At the bottom, “THE BLUE MOON BOYS” and misspelled,
“ELLIS PRESLEY.”

SCOTTY
Bill... Go time.

BILL
I know. Ellis Presley... Got a
nice ring to it.

The Young Man turns, REVEAL:SCOTTY MOORE (24). He shakes
his head. They grab their instruments.

SCOTTY
This thing in tune?

BILL
Close enough.

The beautiful and formidable DIXIE LOCKE (17) joins them,
holding a bottle of PEPSI COLA.

SCOTTY
How is ‘Ellis’s stomach?

DIXIE
Thought I’d grab him a Pepsi, but
poor thing’s still shaking like a
leaf.

BILL
(to Scotty)
What’d they say?

SCOTTY
Newcomer’s spot or nothing. We’re
next.

DIXIE
You better come talk to him,
Scotty. He listens to you.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED:

They all look up towards the sound of Jimmie Rogers
Snow’s number, and begin making their way across the
alley, towards two PARENTS huddled around a barely
visible BOY of around 20 years of age.

NELL (O.S.)
Hey Tommy, that’s him over there.

The trio passes a skinny country jock, TOMMY, arm around
NELL, his conservatively-dressed girlfriend, in the back
of a pickup.

NELL
That boy from Memphis whose record
everybody’s talking about.

TOMMY
(incredulous)
You mean the white kid that’s
singing race music?

Tommy addresses Scotty and Bill.

TOMMY
Hey Scotty Moore! You manage him?
(laughing)
Better tell him to watch out. One
day somebody’s going to beat the
hell outta him and peel them Negro
outfits right off his hide.

BILL
Sorry fella, the strip show costs
extra…

Laughter from Nell sends Tommy seething.

Scotty, Bill and Dixie arrive alongside the family as,
THROUGH the steps, Colonel glimpses the unseen Boy's
constantly-shaking, pink-trousered leg. The boy’s shy,
vulnerable voice:

BOY (O.S.)
W-what if I forget the words on
live radio? I ain’t no Jimmie
Rogers Snow...

He hears the father: VERNON (38), good looks faded by
hard years and disappointment.

VERNON
No one expects you to be Jimmie
Rogers Snow.

BILL
Its just a bit of clowning around.
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTTY
That’s how we got this thing
started in the first place.

BETWEEN THE STEPS, Colonel can now see the mother, GLADYS
(43), intense and nervy, with smoldering Clara Bow eyes.

GLADYS
Scotty and Bill are right, Elvis.
You’re not out there on your own.
You boys are a band. The Lord gave
us music to bring people together.
We’re like a family, and family’s
the most important thing of all.

She strokes the Boy's neck as he drinks from a public
water fountain, one marked "WHITE," the other "COLORED."
Gladys indicates that they should all take up each
other’s hands.

GLADYS
If the good Lord wants to speak
through song here tonight, we are
but vessels of His will. Come on
now, Booby...

She looks up to the moonlight and intones mysteriously:

GLADYS
Jesse is shining bright tonight.

They all look up. Unsure of what they're doing, the
Colonel follows their gaze to see the moon shining above.

Gladys leads the group in song as one-by-one, they all
join:

GLADYS/VERNON/DIXIE/SCOTTY/BILL/
BOY
(sing)
Some glad morning...
When this life is over...
I'll fly away...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
From my first encounter, this
insular, strange family was unique
in its closeness.

GLADYS/VERNON/DIXIE/SCOTTY/BILL/
BOY
(sing)
I’ll fly away, oh glory...


The CAMERA TRACKS ACROSS their faces, SETTLING ON Vernon.
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED: (3)

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
The boy's daddy had gone to jail.

The CAMERA PASSES ACROSS the fountain marked “WHITE”...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Leaving the boy and his mama alone
in one of four white houses in a
Black neighborhood.

... and settles on the fountain marked “COLORED."

MATCH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Musical","Biography"]

Summary The scene takes place at the Shreveport auditorium during the Hayride show. Jimmie Rodgers Snow is singing on stage, while Hank Snow and Diskin observe from the back of the auditorium. Colonel is gathering information from Horace Logan, the founder of the Hayride. A young man, Elvis Presley, is preparing to perform with his band, the Blue Moon Boys. There is tension between Elvis and a country jock named Tommy, who disapproves of Elvis' music. The scene ends with Elvis and his band joining hands with his parents and singing 'Some Glad Morning', despite the conflict and Elvis' nervousness.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intimate family moments
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slightly slow pacing in parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, moving the story forward while introducing key characters and themes. The dialogue is engaging, and the conflict is subtly introduced, setting up future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family, music, and racial tensions is well-established and sets the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through character interactions and the decision to perform at the Hayride auditorium, setting up future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on familiar themes of music, family, and identity, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Elvis's vulnerability and his parents' support shining through. Their relationships and dynamics are crucial to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis shows vulnerability and uncertainty, setting the stage for his growth and development. His parents provide support and guidance, hinting at future changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome his self-doubt and fear of failure as a performer, as well as to find his own voice and identity in the music industry.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress the audience and secure a spot in the music show, despite facing racial prejudice and skepticism from others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is subtly introduced through racial tensions and societal expectations, adding depth to the scene without overshadowing the character dynamics.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with racial prejudice, self-doubt, and societal expectations creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the introduction of racial tensions and societal expectations hints at future challenges and conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, themes, and conflicts, setting up future events and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its themes and character interactions, but still holds surprises and emotional resonance.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of identity, family, and societal expectations. The protagonist must navigate his own path while dealing with the pressures and prejudices of the music industry and society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes nostalgia, hope, and inspiration, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals character traits and relationships effectively. It sets the tone for the scene and establishes key themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic complexity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, capturing the excitement and anticipation of the crowd as they gather at the auditorium. The dialogue is natural and believable, and the characters are well-developed and relatable.
  • However, the scene is rather long, with a lot of dialogue and action. It could benefit from being trimmed down a bit, focusing on the most important moments and characters. The scene could also contain more backstory on the characters and the situation. There are a few plot holes, for example, why is the Colonel so interested in the young man singing?
  • Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual interest. The descriptions of the setting and characters could be expanded to include more details, in particular the performer who appears onstage. The descriptions of the crowd's reactions could also be more vivid, giving the reader a better sense of the excitement and energy in the auditorium.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting down some of the dialogue, action, and backstory to make the scene more concise and focused.
  • Expand the descriptions of the setting and characters to include more details, and provide more vivid descriptions of the crowd's reactions.
  • Add more backstory on the characters and the situation, such as why the Colonel is so interested in the young man singing.



Scene 4 -  Young Elvis's Musical Awakening and 1955 Performance
EXT. SHAKE RAG - AFTERNOON (1947)

An identical "COLORED" sign above a water fountain from
which SMOKY BELL (12) drinks. Next to him, a boy sits,
face buried in a CAPTAIN MARVEL JR. comic book.

The family’s singing transforms into a powerful,
spiritual version of "I'll Fly Away" emanating from a
distant PENTECOSTAL TENT.

The comic lowers and we see YOUNG ELVIS PRESLEY (12). His
hair and a crudely-fashioned cardboard lightning bolt
around his neck match the look of his comic book hero.

Young Elvis stands and looks towards the tent.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It was there he first felt the
pull between the sacred...

A sharp WHISTLE! Smoky and Young Elvis look to their
SKINNY AFRICAN-AMERICAN FRIEND, waving them towards a
JUKE JOINT that hangs off the road.

BIG BOY CRUDUP (V.O.)
Whoooooooa, black snake crawlin’
in my room!

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... and the profane.

The boys run off towards the juke joint as Young Elvis
stuffs his comic in the back pocket of his overalls.


INT. JUKE JOINT - AFTERNOON

YOUNG ELVIS’ POV THROUGH A SPYHOLE: A smoky room. The
nimble fingers of bluesman BIG BOY CRUDUP work the frets
of his weathered guitar. A drunk male CUSTOMER shakes his
leg in an erotic dance with a BORDELLO GIRL.
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:

BIG BOY CRUDUP
(sings)
Whoooooa, black snake crawlin' in
my room!
Some pretty mama better come and
get this black snake soon.


EXT. SHAKE RAG - JUKE JOINT - AFTERNOON

The shocked boys fight over the spyhole.

BIG BOY CRUDUP (O.S.)
(sings)
That’s all right, mama
That’s all right with you...

It's too much for Young Elvis. He pulls away.


EXT. SHAKE RAG - AFTERNOON

HIGH WIDE: The boys give chase as Young Elvis bolts
towards the Pentecostal tent where the spiritual version
of "I'll Fly Away" swells up.


INT. PENTECOSTAL TENT - AFTERNOON

The other boys watch from the open flap as Young Elvis
moves forward, arms aloft, becoming the music.


EXT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - BACK ALLEY - NIGHT (1955)

The Colonel glimpses just the Boy’s heavy-lidded,
mascaraed eyes.

ELVIS (BOY)
(sings)
I'll fly away, I'll fly away...


INT. PENTECOSTAL TENT - AFTERNOON (1947)

Smoky reaches for Young Elvis. Suddenly, his hand is
stayed by THE PASTOR.

PASTOR
Leave him be; he’s with the
spirit.

As Young Elvis' rapture builds, the CAMERA ASCENDS and
the spiritual is overlaid with:


(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:

BIG BOY CRUDUP (V.O.)
Whoooooooa, black snake crawlin’
in my room!
That's alright, mama, that's
alright with you,
That's alright, mama, any way you
do.


EXT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - ALLEY - NIGHT (1955)

The shy boy duets with Crudup across time.

ELVIS
(sings)
I'll fly away, I'll fly away...

SAM PHILLIPS (31), stern, and his no-nonsense secretary
MARION KEISKER (36) appear at the stage door.

SAM PHILLIPS
Better get on up! They’ve just
made a big announcement about you
on the radio.

MARION
Folks are real excited!
(sotto)
Sam, don’t look so worried.

As Sam and Marion leave, Colonel uses this opportunity to
follow them back inside the stage door.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Sam Phillips was on a mission to
save the world by recording black
music...

Colonel peels off and finds himself looking through the
dock door, where he can see Elvis and the boys ascending
the stairs, the family in tow.


EXT. SUN STUDIOS - DUSK (1954)

A converted shopfront. A neon sign reads: “SUN STUDIOS.
HAVE YOUR VOICE RECORDED -- ONE DOLLAR!” The music from
the Pentecostal church continues underneath.

Marion crosses the road to the studio, carrying coffee
and donuts.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
But it didn’t pay, so he tried to
find a white country-and-western
star.
21.


INT. SUN STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - DUSK

We follow Marion as she passes Scotty, Bill and the young
boy in the studio. Scotty is packing up his guitar.

SCOTTY
Sorry kid, I’ve got to work
tomorrow.

Marion enters the control room and plonks a coffee down
in front of Sam, despondent at the control desk.

SAM
I don’t know what it is you see in
this boy...

Marion looks up. Although they can't hear, she can see
Elvis larking around in the studio.

MARION
I just think he’s... different.

She flicks a switch. An intrigued Sam looks up and rises
to his feet.


INT. SUN STUDIOS - RECORDING ROOM - LATER

Sam, Marion, Scotty and Bill looking at Elvis, a moment
of shocked pause. Sam repositions the microphone in front
of Elvis.

SAM PHILLIPS
How do you know Big Boy Crudup?

Elvis shrugs. He starts to sing “That's Alright, Mama”
over the Pentecostal music. Scotty and Bill join... CUT
TO hours later, the musicians are shaping up the track.


INT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - NIGHT (1955)

Elvis and the boys make their way inside. Using
instruments being loaded through the dock door as cover,
Colonel positions himself to get as close as possible.

As Elvis and the boys prepare to take the stage, Colonel
begins to ascend the stairs to the fly tower above.


INT. PENTECOSTAL TENT - AFTERNOON (1947)

The singing reaches a powerful crescendo as Young Elvis
is possessed by the sacred and the profane.


(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(in Sun Studios)
That's all right, mama...

The distant and dreamlike sound of HORACE LOGAN’s voice:

HORACE LOGAN (V.O.)
A young man from Memphis,
Tennessee... song on the Sun
label... sky-rocketed right up the
charts... Elvis Presley! Let's
give him a nice hand.

Tepid applause takes us to...


INT. "HAYRIDE” AUDITORIUM - STAGE - NIGHT (1955)

CLOSE ON Elvis’ shaking legs. TILT UP to DISCOVER a pink
jacket over feminine black lace. A white-hot spotlight
REVEALS his face: heavy with makeup, slumberous,
piercing, blue eyes stare back. His greasy black hair is
an architectural wonder and slashes across his forehead
like a scar.

This is ELVIS PRESLEY at 20. He is beautiful, defiant,
innocent, strange.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I cannot overstate how strange he
looked. I'd seen clowns with less
makeup.

The Colonel looks out into the auditorium. Bodies
shifting in rickety chairs. Portraits of disdain,
disgust, and confusion. The South as it stands, soon to
be changed forever.

HORACE LOGAN (O.S.)
Elvis, how are you this evening?

ELVIS
Just fine. How're you, sir?

HORACE LOGAN
Are you all geared up with your
band there to...

ELVIS
I'm all geared up.

HORACE LOGAN
... to let us hear your songs?

Elvis, flustered, realizes he’s cut Horace off.

(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
Uh, well, I'd just like to say how
happy we are to be down here. It's
a real honor for us to be- get a
chance to appear on the Louisiana
Hayride. We're gonna do a song for
you we got out on Sun Records...
you got anything else to say, Sir?

HORACE LOGAN
No, I'm ready!

Elvis looks up to the heavens...

ELVIS
It goes something like this...

At the front of the auditorium, an anxious Vernon stares
at the floor. Beside him, Gladys stares into the eyes of
her son. This does not go unnoticed by the Colonel.

Elvis’ chest heaves, mind races, heart pounds.

ELVIS
(sings)
Ohh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...

Snickers from the audience.

The Colonel puffs his cigar, eyes narrow. Maybe this
boy's not for the stage.

ELVIS
(sings)
Come back, baby, I wanna play
house with you.

In the front row, two of the country kids from the side
alley: pretty-girl NELL and her skinny country jock
boyfriend, TOMMY, chewing gum and smirking--

TOMMY
Get a haircut, fairy!

A flash of anger across Elvis’ face. He wails back:

ELVIS
(sings)
Weeeeeellll, you may go to
college, you may go to school,
You may have a pink Cadillac,
But don't you be nobody's fool.



(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED: (2)

A cluster of girls in the front start to clap and wriggle
in their chairs excitedly. Colonel climbs the ladder to
the gantry.

ELVIS
(sings)
Now, baby, come back, baby, come.
Come back, baby come...

CAMERA CURLS DOWN Elvis’ body, revealing what all the
fuss is about.

ELVIS
(sings)
Come back, baby, I want to play
house with you!

Elvis’ raw nervous energy has caused his habitually shaky
leg to go into overdrive! The front of his pleated,
pegged pants flaps like a tent in a storm.

Fascinated, Colonel begins to cross the gantry for a
better vantage point.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, listen to me, baby
What I’m talking about...

The unpegged pants seem to suggest, and maybe it's true,
that all hell is breaking loose down there.

ELVIS
(sings)
Come on back to me, little girl
So we can play some house.

A GIRL in the audience SCREAMS! Elvis and the band
falter, confused by the reaction.

ELVIS
(sings)
Now baby, come back baby, come
Come back baby, come...

Marion Keisker shushes the girl who screamed, beside her.

ELVIS
(sings)
Come back baby
I wanna play house with you...

But then there’s ANOTHER SCREAM, and then ANOTHER, mixed
with an uncertain laughter. The Colonel takes note.


(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED: (3)

During the guitar solo, Elvis, confused, spins and yells
to Scotty and Bill:

ELVIS
What are they hollerin’ at?

BILL
It's the... wiggle.

ELVIS
The what?!

BILL
The wiggle!

BILL AND SCOTTY
(in unison)
Do more!

Bill slaps out a bass feature, riding Elvis’ energy as
the singer throws several thrusts out towards the girls.
They react in waves of squeals and screams.

Colonel descends the stairs side-stage onto the
auditorium floor.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, this is one thing, baby
That I want you to know...

Marion, eyes locked on Elvis, as if suddenly beset by the
devil, finds herself standing and screaming, too.

Colonel, now amongst the audience, clocks this reaction
as he crocodiles across auditorium.

Gladys and Dixie watch, horrified.

GLADYS
Please, Lord, don't let them hurt
my baby!

VERNON
Hurt him? Looks like they
wanna...

He sees Dixie and coughs, embarrassed.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, listen to me, baby
Try to understand...

Colonel eyes every face in the audience as he makes his
way side-stage.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED: (4)

Nell is drawn toward the stage, Tommy follows her.

TOMMY
(to Elvis)
Pucker up, buttercup.

Elvis, mic in his fist, leans in and enrages Tommy by
sing-whispering a capella to sweet Nell:

ELVIS
(sings)
I'd rather be dead, little
girl...
(eyes on Tommy)
... than to see you with another
man.

Time stands still; a dramatic, tense pause. CUT TO Hank
in the wings who, having discovered his son Jimmie, leans
in and utters with revulsion:

HANK SNOW
Oh, my Lord... What in God’s sweet
name am I looking at?

JIMMIE
Pa...

HANK
What were you thinking, Jimmie?

JIMMIE
I guess I thought... I don’t know
what I’m thinking.

Jimmie bites his nail. Hank, in exasperation:

HANK
Where is Colonel?

Jimmie indicates toward the Colonel, watching from the
auditorium.

Elvis flicks his hair and a drop of sweat falls across
Nell's cheek. It's too much -- she implodes. Nell latches
on to Elvis' jacket, then another girl, and another.

ELVIS
(sings)
Come back, baby, I want to play
house with you!

Suddenly, Hank appears behind Colonel.



(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED: (5)

HANK SNOW
If we leave now we can still meet
with the Duke of Paducah...

Colonel ignores him, frozen in disbelief at what he's
witnessing. Traces of "Black Snake Moan" join the score --
the profane.

ELVIS
(sings)
Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
And there it was. I saw it! They
would come to call it ‘teenage
hysteria.’ Whatever it was he was
doing, it touched something within
her. The urgent, desperate need to
consume and be consumed.

Marion and Sam look to each other, witnessing a miracle.
Hank witnesses a travesty: his son Jimmie, awestruck.

Elvis sinks momentarily beneath the throng of girls,
tearing at him, scratching his skin.

Nell, possessed, rips off Elvis’ jacket. Suddenly, she’s
accosted from behind! Gladys grabs the jacket, screaming:

GLADYS
Why are you trying to kill my
son?!

Gladys recoils in shock, holding Elvis’ jacket. The
curtain crashes closed. CLOSE on Colonel as we see the
last glimmer of Elvis, rescued by Scotty, tumbling back
through the blue curtains.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It was the greatest carnival
attraction I’d ever seen...
Genres: ["Drama","Musical","Biography"]

Summary In Shake Rag, 1947, young Elvis Presley and Smoky Bell share a drink from a 'COLORED' water fountain, then are drawn to contrasting sounds of gospel music from a Pentecostal tent and Big Boy Crudup's blues music from a juke joint. Elvis experiences a spiritual moment at the tent, while Smoky heads to the juke joint. The scene shifts to 1955, showing Elvis's family watching his performance at the Hayride auditorium, with Sam Phillips and Marion Keisker discussing his potential. Hank Snow disapproves of his son Jimmie's interest in Elvis's music, creating a tension between sacred and profane music.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Historical accuracy
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched reactions from the audience
  • Slightly predictable character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the narrative. It effectively sets up the transformation of Elvis Presley from a young, nervous performer to a charismatic star.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing Elvis Presley's first performance and the reactions it elicits from the audience and his family is executed brilliantly. It sets the tone for his future career and the challenges he will face.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Elvis's first performance and the various reactions it generates, providing a strong foundation for character development and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the early career of Elvis Presley, blending historical accuracy with dramatic storytelling. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis Presley, the Colonel, and Elvis's family members, are well-developed and their emotions are palpable throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant change from a nervous performer to a charismatic star during the scene. The reactions of other characters also showcase their emotional evolution.

Internal Goal: 8

Young Elvis' internal goal is to navigate the conflicting influences of sacred and profane music and find his own voice and identity as an artist.

External Goal: 7

Young Elvis' external goal is to perform at the Louisiana Hayride and make a name for himself in the music industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis's performance, the audience's reaction, and the emotions of his family members creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene comes from the audience's reactions, the clash of cultures, and the internal struggles of the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present as Elvis faces his first major performance, which will determine his future in the music industry. The reactions of the audience and his family add to the intensity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by establishing Elvis's career trajectory, the challenges he will face, and the impact of his performances on those around him.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of the audience, the clash of cultures, and the transformative moment for Elvis.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the traditional values of the South represented by the Pentecostal tent and the emerging cultural shifts represented by the juke joint and rock and roll music. This challenges Elvis' beliefs and values as he navigates his musical journey.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions from shock and excitement to fear and awe, making it emotionally impactful and engaging for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, excitement, and conflict present in the scene. It captures the essence of the characters and their reactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dramatic tension, vivid imagery, and the high stakes for the characters involved.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and drama, leading to a climactic performance by Elvis.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively transitioning between locations and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and drama, leading to a climactic performance by Elvis.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Smoky and Young Elvis regarding the comic book is a bit forced and unnatural.
  • The transition from the Pentecostal tent to the juke joint is sudden and disorienting.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and seems to jump between different locations and events without a smooth flow.
  • The characterization of Young Elvis as a cardboard cutout of a comic book hero feels one-dimensional and lacks depth.
  • The use of the narrator, Old Colonel, to provide exposition throughout the scene can be seen as a lazy writing technique and undermines the emotional impact of the events depicted.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding on the dialogue between Smoky and Young Elvis to make it more natural and engaging, perhaps by having them discuss their favorite comic book characters or share their dreams and aspirations.
  • Smooth out the transition between the Pentecostal tent and the juke joint by providing a brief establishing shot of the juke joint or using a dissolve effect to create a more seamless connection.
  • Tighten the focus of the scene by centering it around a specific event or conflict, such as Young Elvis' struggle to reconcile his religious upbringing with his growing fascination with secular music.
  • Develop the character of Young Elvis by giving him more nuanced motivations and emotions. Explore his inner thoughts and feelings, and show how his experiences shape his personality.
  • Minimize the use of the narrator, Old Colonel, and instead allow the actions and dialogue of the characters to convey the story and its themes.



Scene 5 -  Elvis's Rise to Fame: Excitement and Anxiety
EXT. MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE - DAY

The once-crucial cotton port on the snaking Mississippi
River and its triple-spanned bridge.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
He was my destiny.
28.


EXT. LAUDERDALE COURTS (MEMPHIS) - DAY

A large grass courtyard surrounded by a three-story red-
brick building. Mothers gossip, kids play football and
ride bikes. We catch on the radios all over:

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Here's a new one from Memphis'
own... Elvis Presley!

The opening lyrics of Elvis’ latest recording “Blue Moon”
can be heard, as a Crown Electric truck pulls up.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Blue moon,
You saw me standing alone,
Without a dream in my heart,
Without a love of my own...


INT. CROWN ELECTRIC TRUCK - DAY

We catch a glimpse of Elvis’ eyes in the rear-view
mirror. CUT TO his hand, taking up his guitar.


EXT. LAUDERDALE COURTS - DAY

As he alights from the truck, we catch Elvis in his two-
tone shoes and grey Crown Electric uniform.

He makes his way down the path, through the Courts, as
girls and boys look on, somewhat confused by Elvis’
sudden notoriety.

MEAN BOY
Hey squirrel, nice sideburns.

COOL GIRL
Hey Elvis.

They stare after Elvis as he crosses the courtyard and
enters the building. We GLIMPSE a humble living room
THROUGH a second-story window.


INT. PRESLEY APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS ACTION

A hand holds back the curtain. The girls can clearly be
seen, staring up. The curtain drops. We turn, and it is
Gladys inside the Presley’s humble apartment.




(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED:

GLADYS
Elvis is home! Billy, go wash up
then keep setting the table for
dinner!

Wide-eyed COUSIN BILLY (15) races for the door.

BILLY
Ok, Aunt Gladys! I’m gonna see
Elvis for a second.

Gladys is clearly anxious as she crosses to the kitchen,
where Dixie is helping prepare dinner.

GLADYS
Vernon, Elvis is home.

Passing Vernon on the phone, we catch a few lines of the
conversation:

VERNON
Yeah, well, Elvis done good but...
Jimmie Rodgers Snow, he put on a
real good show.

Gladys takes a bowl of carrots from Dixie.

GLADYS
I’ll do that, Dixie, honey. What
you gonna see at the movies?

Dixie rushes to go freshen up.

DIXIE
Um, I’m not sure!

"Blue Moon" continues to play on a radio on the kitchen
windowsill. It’s too much for Gladys and she snaps the
radio off, anxiety palpable in her face. We CUT DOWN to
the radio again but strangely, an a capella version of
“Blue moon” can be heard.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(sings)
Oooohhh, oooohhh, eeee-aahhh...

Beyond the radio, through the window, the lights in the
other apartments illuminate, signaling the transition
from day to night.

Neighbors lean out windows, eavesdropping.
30.


EXT. LAUDERDALE COURTS - STAIRWELL - EVENING

Floating through the window and into the stairwell, we
discover the source of the music. It’s Elvis, later that
night, now joined by his girl, Dixie.

Having taken out the trash, he still holds the can in his
hand as he serenades Dixie.

ELVIS
(sings)
Without a love of my own...

Their lips almost touch. Elvis stares into Dixie’s eyes.

ELVIS
(disbelief)
Hank Snow...

Dixie, a little disappointed, discreetly rolls her eyes.
But Elvis is lost in the thought.

ELVIS
I used to play his records every
day with Mama and now he’s
personally asked for me to be on
his tour.... I can’t believe it.

The trash can clatters to the ground. Elvis scurries down
to retrieve it. Dixie, a loving roll of the eyes:

DIXIE
So, is that a yes?

ELVIS
Ahh yes?

DIXIE
Coming with me to Goldsmith's on
Sunday to pick out my prom dress.

ELVIS
Oh, sure, baby...

Elvis, having retrieved the can, is ascending the stairs.

DIXIE
Elvis, after prom, all the couples
are going to the teen canteen.

She takes the initiative and they kiss...

ELVIS
Wait, Sunday? Hell, we’re in New
Orleans.

(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:

Dixie is crestfallen.

ELVIS
But I’ll be back for the dance and
Mama can help you pick out your
dress.

GLADYS
Elvis, dinner’s ready! Better wash
up or you’ll be late for the
movies.

ELVIS
Alright, Mama. I'm sorry, baby.
It's just so much, so quick.

DIXIE
You told your parents?


INT. PRESLEY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Out the window, the GIRLS in the courtyard stare up.

GLADYS (O.S.)
So, without so much as a word to
your daddy and me...

Gladys snaps the curtain shut.

GLADYS
You quit your job to run around in
that rickety jalopy, speeding down
dangerous roads, getting girls all
hopped up...

Elvis is now resplendent in a top-to-toe pink suit, his
immaculately quaffed bouffant of hair towering over his
scowling forehead. Clearly, things have not gone well.

Vernon is sitting on the couch as Dixie finishes setting
a makeshift dining table for dinner. Billy fills glasses
with iced tea. GRANDMA DODGER (65) sits silently in the
corner. Tension as Gladys serves up the meatloaf.

GLADYS
Soon, you'll be drinking, going
off to them slut parties--

ELVIS
Mama!

GLADYS
Not keeping the Sabbath...
(to everyone)
Dinner!
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
GLADYS (CONT'D)
(to Elvis)
You just sit down now, eat!

Billy, Dixie and Elvis take their seats.

ELVIS
But Mama, it's only four days!

GLADYS
Yeah, four days! And then what?

VERNON
I knew a fella once, got his
record on the radio, and it was
all over in a flash.

ELVIS
Mr Phillips says every time I
perform onstage, it's gonna help
the record sell and we could make
some real money! I ain't gonna do
that driving a truck for Crown
Electric.

VERNON
Electrician is a good, stable job,
whereas I don't know a guitar
player worth a damn.

GLADYS
You listen to your Daddy.

At the exact moment Gladys speaks, the phone rings. Billy
jumps up to answer.

BILLY
It's my mama! She's with Aunt
Cletus and all the cousins on a
shared line... She wants to talk
to you. She heard Elvis on the
radio.

GLADYS
I can't right now!

ELVIS
Please, Mama! I'm just trying to
take care of my babies, that's all
I ever cared about! I ain’t ever
gonna let us be in a place again
where Daddy gets in trouble with
the law to put food on the table.

GLADYS
ELVIS!

(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED: (2)

A tense silence. Vernon hangs his head, humiliated.

GLADYS
As the good Lord warns us, ‘Do not
wear yourself out to get rich, do
not trust your own Goddamn
cleverness!’

Overwhelmed, she storms out.

VERNON
I want to work. I do the best I
can with my back...

Dixie gestures towards the hallway and Gladys’ bedroom.

DIXIE
Elvis, you’ve upset your mama.

40 Elvis follows Gladys. 40
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary The scene opens with a voice-over from the Old Colonel about Elvis's destiny, showing Elvis in his Crown Electric uniform in Memphis. Elvis's mother, Gladys, expresses anxiety about his sudden fame, while his father, Vernon, discusses Elvis's success over the phone. Elvis serenades his girlfriend, Dixie, with 'Blue Moon' and later shares his excitement about performing with Jimmie Rodgers Snow. The scene concludes with tension at the dinner table as Gladys voices her concerns about Elvis's new career.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict within the family, setting up a compelling dynamic for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family conflict and the struggle between pursuing dreams and familial obligations is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the internal family conflict, setting up a key tension point for Elvis's character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the rise of a music icon and explores the personal and professional challenges faced by the protagonist. The dialogue feels genuine and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, especially Elvis and his mother Gladys, showcasing their conflicting desires and emotions.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis experiences internal conflict and growth as he grapples with his desires and his family's expectations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to balance his newfound fame and success with his loyalty to his family and desire to take care of them. He struggles with the pressure of making a decision that will impact his future and his family's well-being.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to pursue his music career and make a name for himself in the industry. He faces challenges in balancing his personal life and professional aspirations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis and his mother adds depth and emotional intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional stakes that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of Elvis's personal and professional aspirations conflicting with his family's wishes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important family dynamics and internal conflicts that will drive future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene offers some unpredictability in the protagonist's decision-making and the outcome of his conflicts, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle between following his passion and pursuing financial stability. It challenges his beliefs about success, family, and personal fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, especially in the strained relationship between Elvis and his mother.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional stakes of the scene, particularly in the interactions between Elvis and his mother.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, relatable characters, and compelling conflict. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for character interactions and conflict resolution to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character development and conflict resolution, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • Elvis Presley is a famous person, so starting the scene with “EXT. MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE - DAY” is too vague. Consider using a more specific location, such as the outside of Elvis' apartment building or the studio where he is recording.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It is not immediately clear what the characters are doing or what they are trying to achieve. Consider adding a more specific goal or objective to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Gladys and Elvis is stilted and unnatural. It does not sound like the way real people would talk to each other. Consider reworking the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. It is mostly just people talking in a living room. Consider adding some more visually interesting elements, such as music or movement.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more specific location, such as the outside of Elvis' apartment building or the studio where he is recording.
  • Add a more specific goal or objective to the scene, such as Elvis trying to convince Gladys to let him go on tour.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Gladys and Elvis to make it more natural and believable.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Add some more visually interesting elements to the scene, such as music or movement.



Scene 6 -  Elvis's Tender Moment with His Mother before Leaving for Tour
INT. PRESLEY APARTMENT - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

A pill being removed from a lacquered medication box.

Gladys gulps it down as Elvis appears in the doorway
through the mirror. She's breathing heavily, tears
streaming down her cheeks, black with mascara.

ELVIS
(half-jokingly)
I'm going to buy you one of them
pink Cadillacs, like you saw back
when you was working at the
hospital.

Gladys breaks a little. She turns to him, embarrassed.

GLADYS
I don't need no pink Cadillac.

ELVIS
Satnin'...

Elvis takes up Gladys' face in his hands, the tears
running from her eyes.

ELVIS
I just gotta be making the most of
this thing while I can. It's like
Daddy says, this could all be over
in a flash.

With this thought, Gladys' mood changes. Still anxious,
she sits at the dressing table, somewhat in a dream.
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:

GLADYS
I'm not fearful of it being over,
Boobie...

She looks up to him.

GLADYS
It's the opposite...

She looks back to the mirror, messing with her hair.

GLADYS
Oh Lord, I look a frightful mess.

Unconsciously takes up a lipstick.

GLADYS
I don't know how to explain it,
but I saw it in that girl's eyes,
I saw it.

ELVIS
There's nothing to fear. They're
just kids getting all hopped up.

Applying lipstick, as if the very act comforts her.

GLADYS
No, it's more than that. It's
something I don't understand.
It's something beyond us. But I
know whatever it is, it's
something that can come between
us.

Elvis throws his arms around Gladys from behind, nuzzling
her neck as if she were a giant Teddy bear.

ELVIS
No, no, no... ain't nothing ever
going to do that. You're my girl,
my Satnin'. You'll always be my
best-est girl.

Gladys looks up into his eyes.

ELVIS
I'll call you every night.
Nothing, but nothing's gonna come
between us.

Gladys, pleading like a child:

GLADYS
You promise me, Boobie?

(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED: (2)

Elvis, now the adult, reassuring the child that all will
be well:

ELVIS
I promise. I promise, I promise, I
promise...


EXT. LAUDERDALE COURTS - DAY

As Scotty helps Bill squeeze the double bass into the
CHEVY BEL AIR, Elvis gives Dixie a final kiss. The boys
tumble into the car. Vernon and Gladys wave with Billy by
their side as the car tears off into the future.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

OLD COLONEL
(to camera)
Wanna bet?

He spins the roulette wheel and looks up to see Scotty’s
car driving away from Lauderdale Courts. To the iconic
opening of "Mystery Train," the roulette wheel transforms
into a SPINNING CHROME HUBCAP.


MONTAGE - EXT. RURAL ROAD (1955)

It's an AQUATONE BLUE SEDAN emblazoned with "Hank Snow's
Jamboree Attractions Tour!" Diskin at the wheel, Colonel
beside him. In an almost reckless gesture, the sedan
overtakes all the cars in a convoy.

COLONEL
Let’s pull over for lunch. What is
the name of the next place?

DISKIN
The Tasty Grill.

COLONEL
Tasty Grill.

COLONEL
(over megaphone)
Your attention please, your
attention please. We will be
pulling over for lunch up ahead at
the Tasty Grill. Lunchtime at the
Tasty Grill.

They approach Scotty's Chevy Bel Air, double bass
squeezed inside. Siting the boy’s car, Colonel hurriedly
winds the window down and turns to Diskin.
(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Slow down.

The sedan holds alongside the Chevy, Colonel pretending
not to notice the boys. A complete transformation,
Colonel announces with bonhomie:

COLONEL
(over megaphone)
Can I have your attention, this is
your morning bulletin. Colonel’s
promotional machine never fails!
The ‘Hank Snow All-Star Jamboree
Tour’ has completely sold out.
That’s right. And to celebrate I’m
buying all of you great artists
complimentary pie at the good old
Tasty Grill!

BILL
Who the hell is that?

ELVIS
That’s Colonel Tom Parker. He
knows all the big wheels in the
business. He made Eddy Arnold a
movie star.

SCOTTY
I heard he screwed him over.

Bill diffuses the tension.

BILL
I heard there’s free pie at the
Tasty Grill.

DISSOLVE THROUGH a LARGE POSTER headlined with "HANK
SNOW." At the bottom of a long list of supporting
artists: "Elvis Presley and the Blue Moon Boys."


EXT. SMALL COUNTRY DINER - DAY

The convoy is parked outside.


INT. SMALL COUNTRY DINER - DAY

Hank at the counter, flanked by Jimmie, performers, and
crew. Elvis and the boys, strangers to it all, are
relegated to the periphery, by the window.

TAP TAP TAP! Elvis looks up to see the Colonel waggling
his cane THROUGH the plate glass.

(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:

SCOTTY
Here he is. The man himself.

Colonel enters briskly, Diskin keeping pace.

COLONEL
Hello everybody, how’s the pie?
It’s cheap at half the price!

Everyone is confused at Colonel’s sudden generosity.

COLONEL
Hank! I’m here to check your
placement in the jukebox.

Colonel arrives at the jukebox, perusing the singles on
offer in the machine:

COLONEL
‘Let Me Go, Lover’, Hank Snow.
‘Conscience I'm Guilty’, Hank
Snow. ‘Cryin' Prayin' Waitin'
Hopin', Hank Snow.

Everyone applauds as Colonel makes his way over to Hank.

COLONEL
All hit records, all RCA! Can't
beat their distribution.

But Hank is distracted by the sight of Elvis and the boys
on the other side of the cafe. He turns to Colonel.

HANK
Colonel, what is that boy doing on
our tour?!

COLONEL
I told you all about him? He comes
from a good Christian family.

HANK
I do not recall.

COLONEL
And more importantly, about him
wanting to record one of your
songs?

HANK
Which one?

COLONEL
All of them! Them young’uns buy an
lot of his records.

(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED: (2)

JIMMIE
That’s no lie, Pa. Kids these days
are buying more than adults!

Colonel pats Jimmie on the back.

COLONEL
Think of the money in the bank,
Hank.

JIMMIE
Wouldn’t want to miss out.

Hank, confused and bemused, glances towards Elvis and
considers what Colonel has said.

HANK
Well you warn him plenty, none of
those lewd gyrations or sudden
jerky movements.

Colonel, with an ambiguous nod of the head:

COLONEL
I’ll speak to the boy
immediately...

CUT TO Elvis at the table, clearly anxious.

ELVIS
You got a dime for the pay phone?
I promised to call Dixie and Mama-

But before he can finish his sentence:

COLONEL
Well, if it ain’t the new act...

The boys look up and there, towering over them, is the
Colonel. Elvis nervously leaps to his feet, proffering
his hand.

ELVIS
Colonel Parker, sir? Elvis
Presley.

COLONEL
Right. You’re the fella with that
funny new record all the kids are
listening to...

Scotty shifts defensively in the booth.

SCOTTY
It's getting lots of radio play,
sir.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED: (3)

COLONEL
Who are you?

BILL
Blue Moon Boys.

COLONEL
I did not see that record of yours
on the jukebox... What label are
you on?

ELVIS
Sun... Sun Records. Sam Phillips.

COLONEL
Sun... If I were you, young man, I
would have a talk with my manager.

SCOTTY
That's me.

COLONEL
Hmm... Well, if you are his
manager I have two words for you:
one is distribution, and the other
is distribution... The pie is not
always free.

Colonel turns to the assembled company.

COLONEL
Alright, remember folks, show time
is snow time! Hank Snow time. See
you all in New Orleans.

With this, Colonel is gone. CLOSE ON Bill holding yet
another forkful of pie.

BILL
Free pie, huh? What’s that
supposed to mean?

Colonel taps on the glass and reiterates one last time:

COLONEL
Distribution.

ELVIS
It means our record should be on
that jukebox.

A glimmer of tension between Elvis and Scotty.

DISSOLVE THROUGH another poster, and another. "Elvis
Presley and the Blue Moon Boys" climbing up the bill.
40.
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic","Musical"]

Summary In the Presley apartment, Gladys expresses her fears for Elvis's future as he prepares to leave for his music tour. Elvis reassures his mother with love and alleviates her concerns, and the scene ends with Elvis, Scotty, Vernon, and Billy waving goodbye.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Effective tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the characters' motivations and relationships, creating a sense of anticipation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a new artist to the music industry and the internal family dynamics adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing Elvis to the established artists and setting up potential conflicts and challenges for the future.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the relationship between Elvis and his mother, delving into their emotional dynamics and fears in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional depth, especially in the interactions between Elvis and his family members.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis shows growth and determination in the face of challenges, while Gladys experiences anxiety and concern for her son's future.

Internal Goal: 8

Gladys' internal goal is to express her fears and anxieties about the unknown future and the potential impact on her relationship with Elvis. This reflects her deeper need for reassurance and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support Elvis in his rising career and maintain their close bond despite the challenges they face. This reflects the immediate circumstances of Elvis' success and the pressures of fame.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily between established artists and the new talent, as well as internal family tensions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with internal conflicts and fears driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the future of Gladys and Elvis' relationship, adding a layer of tension and complexity.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Elvis as he navigates the music industry and for Gladys as she worries about her son's future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts and relationships that will shape Elvis's journey in the music industry.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the emotional revelations and conflicts between the characters, but the overall narrative trajectory is somewhat predictable due to the established relationship dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family, fame, and the sacrifices required for success. Gladys' fear of losing her connection with Elvis due to external influences challenges her values of love and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, hope, and nostalgia, particularly in the interactions between Elvis and his mother.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and dynamics between the characters, setting up conflicts and revealing emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intimate character interactions, and the tension between the characters' internal and external goals. The audience is drawn into the personal struggles of Gladys and Elvis, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and intimacy between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear focus on the emotional journey of the protagonist. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and captures the emotional tension between Gladys and Elvis.
  • The dialogue is natural and believable, and the characters are well-developed.
  • However, the scene could be more visually interesting.
  • For example, you could add more details about the setting or use more evocative language to describe the characters' actions and emotions.
  • Additionally, the scene could be more impactful if you raised the stakes for Elvis and Gladys. For example, you could have them argue about something more serious, or you could have Elvis make a decision that has more far-reaching consequences.
Suggestions
  • Add more details about the setting to make the scene more visually interesting.
  • Use more evocative language to describe the characters' actions and emotions.
  • Raise the stakes for Elvis and Gladys to make the scene more impactful.
  • Consider having them argue about something more serious, or have Elvis make a decision that has more far-reaching consequences.



Scene 7 -  Elvis's Dilemma: Artistic Expression vs. Personal Values
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

Elvis busts two strings on his guitar! He stands, blue-
suited, legs apart, motionless...

Teenage fans sizzling like eggs in a pan.

ELVIS
(A cappella)
I’m gonna hold my baby
As tight as I can
Well, tonight she’ll know
I’m a mighty, mighty, man
I heard the news
There’s good rockin’ tonight

Then suddenly, Elvis‘ body jackknifes! Scotty and Bill
take their cue. The crowd loses it!

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, we’re gonna rock
We gonna rock
Let’s rock
C’mon and rock...

As Elvis apes fornication, Hank, spruced and ready, joins
Colonel and his son Jimmie, now sporting slick pompadour
and sideburns, in the wings just in time to observe...

A PAIR OF PANTIES landing center stage!

ELVIS
(sings)
We’re gonna rock
All our blues away...

To Hank's horror, he sees another PAIR OF PANTIES! And
ANOTHER! Elvis caricatures an orgasmic shimmy.

HANK
Colonel, is that a pair of young
lady’s intimates I see upon the
stage?

COLONEL
Yes, I believe it is, Hank.

HANK
That best not happen when he sings
one of my songs.

COLONEL
I’m sure it won’t.

An apoplectic Hank storms off.
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED:



INT. MOTEL - ROOM - NIGHT

Elvis is pacing with the phone, just his pants on. A
TAPPING at the door, a FEW GIRLS GIGGLE outside.

ELVIS
(whispering)
Baby, no... It’s just part of our
act. We’re savin’ ourselves, like
we said... Love you...

The CLICK of the phone. He falls back onto the bed. Then
there comes a tapping. Softly. Steadily.

ELVIS
Is that a cheeseburger I hear
knocking at my door, Scotty?

Shirtless, Elvis gets up and opens the door to find a doe-
eyed FEMALE FAN...

She walks past Elvis, into the room. The fan lowers of
the strap of her dress and they fall to the bed together.

We PAN OFF TO a map of Florida.


INT./EXT. CHEVY BEL AIR - DAY

Scotty drives. Elvis looks despondent.

SCOTTY
Aw, come on, EP. Life on the road
ain’t the concern of folks back
home.

BILL
Why don’t you try one of these?

Bill offers up a small, white pill. Elvis considers it...

BILLY
Put the pep back in your step.

Elvis takes it with a swig of coke and we CUT TO:


EXT. DAYTONA CARNIVAL - STAGE - NIGHT

In a shower of panties, Elvis and the boys scuttle off
stage, past Colonel. Jimmie follows Elvis.



(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED:

JIMMIE
Elvis! Elvis! I told them. I told
them but they didn't wanna believe
me! You're one of a kind! You're
something else and I promise, I'll
put my heart in it. I wanna be
just like you!

Colonel looks to ashen Hank, trembling with rage.

HANK SNOW
I can no longer in good conscience
appear onstage with that boy!

COLONEL
(nonplussed)
It is a conundrum, a conundrum...

HANK SNOW
After I perform, I shall spend the
night in prayer.

COLONEL
And I will do what needs to be
done.


EXT. CARNY CAMP - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Music, laughter. Through the doorway of Hank Snow’s
trailer, we see Hank in silent prayer. Emerging from the
trailer, he discovers a backstage petting party and slams
his door shut in disgust.

Scotty and a showgirl make their way through the party,
past pompadoured Jimmie performing on top of a table.
They tumble past Colonel, and into one of the trailers.

Elvis apart, gazing at the Ferris wheel, perturbed.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

OLD COLONEL
I saw him alone, lost. A good
promoter knows the perfect
moment...

We FOLLOW Old Colonel's sun-spotted claw as it almost
comes to rest on Elvis' shoulder.

SCOTTY (V.O.)
Elvis!!!
43.


EXT. CARNY CAMP - NIGHT (1955)

Colonel, unseen, is standing behind Elvis.

Scotty, Bill, Jimmie and a bevy of girls are making their
way towards an enormous, illuminated clown's mouth.

BILL
Elvis, let’s go!

Elvis runs after them.


EXT./INT. CARNIVAL - HALL OF MIRRORS - NIGHT

Trailing the rest of the gang, Elvis enters the Hall of
Mirrors under the watchful gaze of ROY LUMOUS, the carny
fixer, lurking in the shadows.

We see Colonel appear in the reflection of a mirror. He
passes Lumous, speaking in a secret carny language:

COLONEL
You ceaz-ould get leaz-ost in heaz-
ere.

LUMOUS
Yeaz-ou ceaz-ould.

Lumous pulls a lever.


INT. CARNIVAL - HALL OF MIRRORS - NIGHT

The whole party reflected in the mirrors. Lumous’
tattooed hand closes a mirrored door. As if by magic,
Scotty, Bill, and the others disappear before our eyes,
leaving Elvis alone.

ELVIS
Fellas?... Bill?... Quit fooling
around.

COLONEL (O.S.)
Lost, my boy?...

Elvis spins, surprised by the apparition of the Colonel.

ELVIS
Colonel Parker, sir...

COLONEL
You look lost.

Elvis looks around, but he cannot even guess the way out.

(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
(laughing to self)
Well, I was with the guys, then
they just... Yeah, I guess I am.

COLONEL
The roar of the crowd, life on the
road. Then calling home,
pretending to loved ones nothing
has changed, when everything
has... Lost.

Elvis tries to laugh it off.

ELVIS
I'm sorry, sir. I meant I don't
know the way out.

Colonel jovially concurs.

COLONEL
That's precisely what I am saying.
I saw you, standing apart from the
others, burdened... Like you
‘don't know the way out of this.’

Colonel pushes a mirror in which Elvis is reflected. It
swings open, revealing a shadowy world behind the midway.

COLONEL
But I do... Allow me to show you.

ZEENA (V.O.)
(sings)
Snowman's comin', yes, he's
comin'...


EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT

Elvis follows the Colonel as he skirts the canvas backs
of the tents, greeting roustabouts and freaks warmly as
he goes. Leaning into a group of LITTLE PEOPLE:

COLONEL
Miss Becky, Miss Kathy. A reaz-ed
one with the reaz-ubes?

The group giggles and nods.

COLONEL
(to Elvis)
Snowfall.

Colonel takes in their surroundings with a gesture of his
cane.
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
The language of the carnival. I'm
one of them. I came into this
world an orphan, you see, in
Huntington, West Virginia... But I
ran away, to join the circus.

ZEENA (O.S.)
(sings)
To sprinkle you with snow...

COLONEL
You're either circus, or you're
not. It's in your nature.

ZEENA
(sings)
He'll say ‘one, two, three,’ and
you'll be...
In cotton candy land...

They come upon Zeena on the steps of her trailer.

COLONEL
(to Zeena)
Al-A-Ga-Zam.

ZEENA
Al-A-Ga-Zam.

COLONEL
(to Elvis)
Madam Zeena and I had a mentalist
act together.
(to Madam Zeena)
Madam Zeena, young Mr. Presley.

ZEENA
Poor, white boy from Mississippi,
sings and the very rocks and
stones stand and follow...

ELVIS
And some of the girls, too, ma’am.

ZEENA
(to Colonel)
You’ll go far with the Colonel.

Elvis looks confused as he and the Colonel move off.

COLONEL
I saw you perform at the
‘Hayride.’


(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED: (2)

ELVIS
You were there?

COLONEL
Yes, I was. And seeing you there
made me realize it was our destiny
to be together.

They stop walking and Colonel looks Elvis in the eye.

COLONEL
I wish to promote you, Mr.
Presley.

Without missing a beat:

ELVIS
My brother told me you would come
one day.

Colonel was not expecting this. Colonel brings his cane
slowly to his forehead, and punts on what he saw outside
the “Hayride.”

COLONEL
Ahh... Jesse?

They have arrived alongside the GEEK TENT.

ELVIS
Yeah, Jesse. He died when we were
born.

COLONEL
Twins...

ELVIS
But he's with me, always. Mama
says when Jesse died, I got the
strength of two men.

COLONEL
That would explain your tremendous
energy on stage.

We follow Colonel’s gaze to Hank and his band, signing
autographs at a distance. We see Bill, Scotty and Jimmie
searching around the carnival, presumably for Elvis.

COLONEL
The very same energy that upsets
Mr. Snow so very much.

ELVIS
Sir, the way the kids react? It’s
not my fault...
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED: (3)

COLONEL
It is your fault.

Elvis, his attention caught by the performance of the
Geek, is lost in reverie. Colonel leans over to Lumous,
positioned in the ticket booth. He whispers into his ear:

COLONEL
Nobody on the Erie...

With this, Lumous dispatches two BOY CLOWNS towards a
GRIZZLED TATTOOED CARNY at the base of the Ferris Wheel.

Eyes locked on Elvis, Colonel indicates with his cane
towards the Ferris wheel and intones with gravity:

COLONEL
Mr. Presley, are you afraid of
heights?

The Grizzled Tattooed Carny pulls a lever, halting the
great wheel.

ELVIS
No, sir. I'm not.
Genres: ["Drama","Musical","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, Elvis performs at a concert, receiving both adoration from fans and disapproval from fellow singer Hank. Elvis's provocative performance contrasts with Hank's discomfort, while Colonel sees a business opportunity. Amidst this tension, Elvis struggles to maintain personal relationships and cope with the loneliness of being on the road. The scene ends with Elvis following Colonel into a shadowy world behind the midway, highlighting the uncertain future that awaits him.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, well-written, and provides insight into the characters and their motivations. It sets up important plot points and creates intrigue for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dynamic between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker at a pivotal moment in their relationship is compelling. The scene effectively introduces themes of destiny, identity, and the consequences of fame.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear progression and character interactions. It sets up conflicts and resolutions that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of fame and the music industry, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel true to the era.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of their relationships and inner struggles.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis experiences a moment of revelation and growth in the scene, as he confronts his fears and uncertainties.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal in this scene is to navigate the challenges of fame and maintain his integrity and relationships amidst the pressures of the music industry.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to continue his successful music career and manage the expectations and demands of his manager and bandmates.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are internal and external conflicts present in the scene, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist, but not overwhelmingly difficult to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker, as their partnership and future success are on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of its overall trajectory, but still offers unexpected moments and character developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between artistic integrity and commercial success, as well as the impact of fame on personal relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from nostalgia to tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals character dynamics. It effectively conveys emotions and motivations, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic interactions, dramatic tension, and the portrayal of Elvis' internal struggles and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and drama, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a cohesive structure that effectively conveys the dynamics between characters and advances the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what the writer wants to achieve with this scene and how it contributes to the overall story.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and lacks authenticity. The characters speak in a forced and unrealistic manner, making it difficult for the reader to connect with them or believe in the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and uneven. The scene drags on without any significant events or developments, making it difficult for the reader to stay engaged.
  • The characterization is shallow and one-dimensional. The characters are not well-developed and lack depth, making it difficult for the reader to empathize with them or understand their motivations.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and lacks action. The characters spend most of the time talking about events that have happened or will happen, rather than actively engaging in the present moment.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction. Determine what the writer wants to achieve with this scene and how it contributes to the overall story.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Study real-life conversations and incorporate colloquialisms and contractions to make the characters sound more human.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and descriptions. Focus on the most important events and developments, and keep the scene moving forward.
  • Develop the characters more fully by giving them depth and complexity. Explore their motivations, desires, and fears, and make them relatable to the reader.
  • Add more action to the scene by having the characters actively engage in the present moment. Use sensory details and vivid descriptions to bring the scene to life.



Scene 8 -  Elvis' New Journey: The Colonel's Offer and a Family Business
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

Colonel and Elvis swish into the air. Colonel looks out
over the SPARKLING MIDWAY.

COLONEL
Your future, Mr. Presley, blazing
before you. Recording contracts,
television, even Hollywood.

ELVIS
You’re great, Colonel. The best
person I could ever hope to work
with. I ain’t never said this to
anybody before, but I believe I
can be great, too.

COLONEL
We can be great together. But to
achieve this, I will need to
represent you exclusively.

ELVIS
What about Hank Snow?

COLONEL
Hank wants you off the tour.

CREAK! The wheel stops.
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
I will have to leave Hank. We will
both have to make sacrifices...
You will need a label with
national distribution.

The implication sits heavy with Elvis.

ELVIS
RCA?

Colonel nods.

COLONEL
RCA.

ELVIS
Sam Phillips discovered me.

COLONEL
I know we have a way to help Sam
understand that it would be
foolish of him to hold you back.


FLASH FORWARD - INT. SUN STUDIOS - NIGHT

We come down onto Sun Studios late at night. Through the
neon-lit shop window, we see Elvis slumped in a chair.
Marion serves him hot cocoa. Sam leans on Marion’s desk.
There’s a feeling of sadness and finality in the air.

Sam, as if picking up the Colonel’s cue:

SAM
RCA does have the distribution...

ELVIS
(sincere)
I just need to know that you’ll
still be there with me as friends.

SAM
Hey, don’t doubt that. We’re not
going anywhere. Marion and I just
don’t wanna stand in your way,
that’s all.

Marion leans forward, hand on Elvis’s shoulder.

MARION
The world needs to hear you sing,
Elvis.



(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
And you needed the highest payment
in the history of music to save
your business.

END FLASH FORWARD.


EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

COLONEL
It’s just business, show business.
To be truly great requires truly
great sacrifices. You will need to
be free of any entanglements...

As the CAMERA TILTS UP TO the stars, the haunting sound
of Elvis’ “Tomorrow Night."


FLASH FORWARD - EXT. TEEN CANTEEN - NIGHT

We TILT DOWN to discover a row of parked cars. We reveal
Elvis in his pink tux. Dixie, in her prom dress, crying.

ELVIS
(burdened)
Colonel says that with all the
publicity that's gonna be comin',
well, he might have to put it out
there that...

He's nervous to say this next thing, guilty...

ELVIS
I don't have a girl...

DIXIE
(hurt)
Colonel says, Elvis? Or you say?

Elvis stares into her eyes.

ELVIS
I love you, Dixie Locke. I always
will...

END FLASH FORWARD.


EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

Elvis still in a reverie, imagining Dixie’s feelings.
Colonel leans in and breaks him from his reverie with:


(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
And then we will need your
parents' legal commitment. They
may need a bit of convincing
themselves...


FLASH FORWARD - INT. SUN STUDIOS - DAY

As Marion ushers Gladys and Vernon towards a table of
paperwork, Gladys whispers to Vernon.

GLADYS
Sam Phillips is a good man, who we
can trust; we don’t know this
Colonel from a nail in the wall...

COLONEL
I am of the firm belief that
family is the most important thing
in the world. With that in mind,
I’ve taken the liberty of making
these contracts out in the name of
‘Elvis Presley Enterprises,’ a
family business.

Colonel gestures in the air.

COLONEL
And I was thinking... ‘Vernon
Presley: Business Manager!’

The room applauds. Vernon is dumbfounded by the status
bestowed upon him.

ELVIS
What do you think, Daddy?

VERNON
I like it very much, son.

Colonel notices Cousin Billy, excitedly looking on.

COLONEL
You know Billy, Elvis is going to
need a lot of help on the tour...

ELVIS
Hell, you could be my road manager
one day, Billy!

Billy beams, and all laugh. Colonel solemnly signs and
offers the pen to Gladys.



(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Mrs. Presley, your son has a
unique gift. It's as if he has the
strength of two men inside of him.

Elvis clocks this unspoken moment of collusion between
them. Gladys stares, pen suspended above the contract.

END FLASH FORWARD.
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama"]

Summary Colonel offers to exclusively represent Elvis, who is conflicted about leaving Hank Snow's tour and ending his relationship with Sam Phillips. The Colonel presents a plan for Elvis' future as a family business, with Vernon as the business manager and Billy as a potential road manager. Elvis' parents express their reservations but ultimately agree to sign the contract, and Elvis ends his relationships with Sam and Hank. The scene takes place at night on a Ferris wheel and in Sun Studios, with a serious and contemplative tone.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the weight of the decisions being made and sets up important character dynamics and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of making sacrifices for success in show business is well-developed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Elvis considers signing with RCA and the implications it has on his career and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the music industry of the 1950s, exploring the personal and professional sacrifices required for success. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, the Colonel, and Elvis's family members, are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant change as he considers the implications of signing with RCA and the impact it will have on his career and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal is to believe in his own greatness and potential for success. He wants to prove himself and make a name for himself in the music industry.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to secure a recording contract with RCA and navigate the challenges and sacrifices required to achieve success in the music industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Elvis as he grapples with the decisions he needs to make, as well as external conflict between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elvis facing internal conflicts and external challenges that test his resolve and determination.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Elvis faces crucial decisions that will impact his career and personal life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up key decisions and relationships that will shape Elvis's future.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' decisions and the challenges they face, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of sacrifice for success. Colonel emphasizes the need for sacrifices to achieve greatness, while Elvis grapples with the implications of these sacrifices on his personal life and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of hope, anxiety, and guilt, drawing the audience into the characters' dilemmas.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, particularly in the pivotal moments of decision-making.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and the high stakes involved in achieving success in the music industry.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment where Elvis must make a crucial decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the dialogue, actions, and setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the characters' goals, conflicts, and emotions. The flashbacks and flash-forwards add depth to the narrative.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit on the nose. It's clear what the Colonel is trying to say, but it's not very subtle.
  • The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal. It's not clear what the Colonel is trying to achieve with this conversation.
  • The scene is missing conflict. There's no tension between the Colonel and Elvis, so the scene feels a bit flat.
  • The scene lacks clarity, and it’s not clear what happens to Gladys and Elvis’ relationship, there is an emphasis on the contract and family business, yet they are shown as conflicted.
  • The dialogue, while realistic, is not cinematic and can feel clunky to read.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and less on the nose.
  • Cut down on the length of the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Give the scene a clear goal, such as the Colonel trying to convince Elvis to sign a contract.
  • Add some conflict to the scene, such as Elvis resisting the Colonel's advances.
  • Add more clarity on Gladys and Elvis’ relationship at this point in the story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more suitable for performance. For example, use fewer stage directions and make the dialogue more conversational.



Scene 9 -  Elvis' Rise to Fame: Dreams, Ambition, and Success
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

Elvis looks away from the Colonel, out over the midway.

ELVIS
You know, Colonel, I'd do just
about anything to make sure my
mama and daddy never have to live
in no poverty ever again...


FLASH FORWARD - INT. SUN STUDIOS - DAY

Gladys looks at all the beaming faces in the room. Elvis
tucks Gladys’ hand inside of his.

ELVIS
Say yes, Mama. It’s gonna turn out
so nice.

Then, ever-so-slowly, Gladys puts pen to paper.

END FLASH FORWARD.


EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

ELVIS
I wasn’t foolin’ when I told those
other kids I was gonna buy 'em a
Cadillac one day.

COLONEL
With me, my boy, we could buy them
two Cadillacs.

ELVIS
A hundred...

COLONEL
Two hundred. A thousand...

ELVIS
(enjoying the game)
A million...
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
An aeroplane?

ELVIS
A rocket ship!
(as they laugh)
Well, maybe not a rocket ship;
Mama don’t like me to fly. But me,
I’ve always wanted to fly. Fast.
Faster than the speed of light to
the Rock of Eternity...

COLONEL
The Rock of Eternity?

ELVIS
(slowly revealing)
Captain Marvel Jr. He’s my
favorite comic book hero. He
flies.

COLONEL
What about you, Mr. Presley? Are
you ready to fly?

Elvis turns back and looks Colonel directly in the eye.

ELVIS
Yes, sir, I’m ready. Ready to fly.


FLASH FORWARD - INT. SUN STUDIOS - DAY

With a FLASH, the iconic photograph of Elvis Presley and
Colonel Tom Parker's union.

END FLASH FORWARD.


EXT. FERRIS WHEEL - NIGHT

As the wheel turns, Elvis and the Colonel do, indeed,
appear to be flying...


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

To a "DNA" track, we APPROACH a noir-lit Elvis caged in
an abstract thicket of microphones.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
My boy's gift was to understand
how young people felt...



(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
(sings)
Weeeeeeeell since my baby left me!
I found a new place to dwell...

The voices of gray-suited EXECUTIVES in the shadows:

EXECUTIVES (V.O.)
Morbid. Odd. We can't release
this.

ELVIS
(sings)
It’s down at the end of lonely
street at heartbreak hotel...

We DISSOLVE THROUGH HEADLINES: "First No. 1!" “The King
of Western Bop!” "First Gold Record! "

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It was a hit. After hit, after
hit.


EXT. GRACELAND - GATES - DAY (1956)

CLOSE ON an Elvis number plate.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Together, we made a blizzard.

We see a candy-pink Cadillac swing through a wooden gate,
a sunglass-ed Dodger hanging out a window. They pass
grazing cattle and a sign: "SOLD! GRACELAND FARM."


MONTAGE - INT./EXT. GRACELAND - DAY

In front of a white-columned 1930s Colonial mansion,
Elvis bounds from the car, beaming as he holds out the
keys to Gladys. Gladys crosses the threshold in tears.
Vernon hangs back in awe.

Before our eyes, the interior of Graceland transforms
into all that money can buy!

As televisions and phones are being unpacked, we see
Gladys, now in a different costume, standing with her
newly introduced MAID.

A little flummoxed, Gladys follows the maid as she
carries a brand new MIXER to the kitchen. We WHIP PAN to
Gladys, now in a different costume on a different day,
chasing chickens past the maid who is laying out fine
china on the dining table.

(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:

Gladys herds the chickens into the front yard and through
a dozen Cadillacs, finally mustering them towards Dodger.

A football suddenly smashes amidst the chickens.
Irritated, Dodger hurls the football back to the horse
yards where Elvis catches it and is crash-tackled by the
West cousins as Jerry looks on. A noisy GO-CART driven by
Billy cuts through the fray and through the Cadillacs,
almost colliding with Gladys and the chickens.

WIDE SHOT: a portrait of the mayhem. CRANE DOWN through
the trees to discover the rickety wooden fence is now
replaced by the famous music gates, fans gathered around,
opening as delivery trucks make their way through.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I booked him on television, I got
him that screen test, and a seven-
picture deal with Paramount!

END MONTAGE.
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama","Musical"]

Summary This scene takes place at night on a ferris wheel, followed by flash forwards to Sun Studios and a noir-lit casino in 1997. It includes a conversation between Elvis and Colonel Parker about their dreams and ambitions, leading to the signing of a contract at Sun Studios. The scene also features a montage of Graceland and a somber 1997 flash forward with Old Colonel's voiceover about their success. The tone is nostalgic and reminiscent, with a hint of melancholy. Key dialogue highlights Elvis' desire to provide for his loved ones and Colonel Parker's encouragement of his ambition.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong thematic elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of external conflict
  • Some scenes may feel repetitive or slow-paced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-written, and sets up important character dynamics and plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Elvis and the Colonel's partnership, Elvis's dreams of success, and the pivotal contract signing are compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of key elements like Elvis's aspirations, the contract signing, and the deepening bond between characters.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the rise of Elvis Presley, combining elements of fantasy and reality to explore the complexities of fame and success. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis and the Colonel, are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis shows growth and determination in pursuing his dreams, while the Colonel's support and guidance deepen their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to fulfill his dreams of success and provide for his family, particularly his parents. This reflects his deep desire to escape poverty and create a better life for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to achieve fame and success in the music industry, as evidenced by his discussions with the Colonel about buying Cadillacs and dreaming of flying.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is internal conflict in Elvis's aspirations and external conflict in the challenges he faces in achieving success.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between Elvis's dreams and the commercial pressures of the music industry. The uncertainty of how these conflicts will be resolved adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of Elvis's future success, his family's well-being, and the risks involved in pursuing his dreams.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key relationships, character motivations, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it blends elements of fantasy and reality, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of Elvis's dreams and struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between artistic integrity and commercial success. Elvis's desire to fly and be true to his dreams clashes with the executives' concerns about releasing his music.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' hopes, dreams, and the touching moment of Gladys signing the contract.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics and aspirations, and setting up important moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of fantasy, drama, and music to create a compelling narrative. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and keep them invested in Elvis's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a mix of dialogue, action, and transitions that maintain the momentum of the narrative. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying Elvis's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with distinct transitions between different time periods and locations. This enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, incorporating flashbacks and flash-forwards to explore different aspects of Elvis's journey. This format adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a flashback to Elvis and Gladys signing the contract with the Colonel, which seems out of place since the previous scene ended with Elvis and the Colonel on the Ferris wheel. It would be more effective to keep the scene in chronological order and have the flashback later on.
  • The dialogue is a bit too on the nose, especially when Elvis talks about wanting to buy his parents a Cadillac and the Colonel replies with 'With me, my boy, we could buy them two Cadillacs.' It would be more natural if the dialogue was less direct and more subtle.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or character development. It's mostly just exposition about Elvis's career and his relationship with the Colonel. It would be more effective if the scene had a clear purpose and contributed more to the overall story.
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened without losing any important information. It would be more effective if the scene was more concise and focused on the most important moments.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Elvis and the Colonel on the Ferris wheel, and have the flashback to the contract signing later on.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and subtle.
  • Add more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on the most important moments.



Scene 10 -  Elvis's Face Everywhere: A Lighthearted Look at Fame and Merchandise
INT. GRACELAND - DAY

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
But most importantly...

We follow the boxes as they’re unloaded from the truck
outside and carried into Graceland by two workmen.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I created something never before
seen. One day it would become
known as...

CAMERA moves to a box that explodes open with hundreds of
‘Loving You’ cushions with Elvis’ face on it.

COLONEL
Merchandise! Your face on every
conceivable object!

Colonel scoops the cushions up, throwing them towards
Vernon, Elvis, Dodger, Gladys, and Cousin Billy.

COLONEL
Teddy Bear perfume, Elvis
lipsticks...

Diskin takes a plaster bust from its box.

COLONEL
And plaster busts!


(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED:

DISKIN
... of questionable likeness.

Colonel scoops up one of the ‘I Love Elvis’ pins.

COLONEL
Something for everyone to show
their love... Oh look, Dodger,
what’s that behind your ear?

Colonel leans in and does a magic trick, pulling the pin
from behind Dodger’s ear.

GLADYS (O.S.)
I hate Elvis?

Colonel’s face darkens. Gladys is holding one of the
other ‘I Hate Elvis’ pins.

COLONEL
Yes, I hate Elvis. To my way of
thinking, ‘I Love Elvis’ is easy
to sell, but those that hate your
son will do so whether we profit
or not.

He takes the pin from Gladys and turns to Elvis.

COLONEL
After all, what is hate worth if
it's free?

Elvis takes the pin and examines it while considering the
Colonel’s point. After a heavy moment, Elvis cracks a
smile. He stands and pins it on his lapel.

ELVIS
The snowman strikes again...

They all laugh. CUT AWAY to Gladys, a look of concern.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
But what was it people hated
exactly?

We ZOOM down on the ‘I Hate Elvis’ pin.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Even in high school, Elvis was
listening to Black radio, going to
their churches, and hanging out on
Beale Street...
56.


EXT. BEALE STREET (MEMPHIS) - DAY (1954)

The ‘hate’ badge blossoms into a flower, pinned to the
lapel of a dapper African-American gent painted on a
mural on the side of LANSKY BROS. clothing store. We pan
off the building to reveal:

HIGH WIDE OVER the two miles of Beale Street, a thriving,
densely-packed hub of Black culture.


INT./EXT. CLUB HANDY - CONTINUOUS

Through a second-story window, BIG MAMA THORNTON, a
dynamic singer with a deep, rich voice, rehearses with
her BAND.

BIG MAMA THORNTON
(sings)
Youuuu ain’t nuthin’ but a hound
dog! Been snoopin’ round my door!

The camera descends...


EXT. BEALE STREET (MEMPHIS) - DAY

... as the Crown Electric truck pulls up to the curb.

BIG MAMA THORNTON (V.O.)
(vocal)
You ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog!
Been snoopin’ round my door!

We PICK UP ON the legs of Elvis as he alights in his
uniform, pink socks, and two-tone shoes. He walks through
the bustling crowd as we see portraits of life on Beale.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Elvis wasn’t just into the music.
It was the look...


INT./EXT. LANSKY BROS. - CONTINUOUS

Elvis stops, admiring a peacock-dapper gentlemen's store,
resplendent with the styles of the Black music scene.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Bernard Lansky dressed everyone
from Duke Ellington to B.B. King.

THROUGH the window, B.B. KING is fitted by LANSKY amidst
bright, Lifesaver colors.


(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Elvis sought out the styles and
the stars of the beating heart of
Black music in the South...

Elvis, face against the glass, gapes in admiration.
Lansky shows B.B. to the door.

LANSKY
We’ll have everything ready for
Chicago.

B.B. KING
Well I hope Chicago is ready for
these nice threads!

LANSKY
Knock ‘em dead.

Elvis watches as B.B. jumps in his car and disappears
down the street, then turns back to Mr. Lansky.

ELVIS
That was Mr. B.B. King.

LANSKY
Indeed it was. And you would be...
eyeball buying?

Elvis’ eyes turn back to a particularly suave pink suit
displayed prominently in the window.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... and pretty soon, they sought
him out, too.

MATCH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama","Music"]

Summary In this scene, the Colonel introduces Elvis and his family to various merchandise featuring Elvis's face, including cushions, perfume, lipsticks, plaster busts, and pins. The conflict arises when Gladys holds an 'I Hate Elvis' pin, leading to a discussion about hate and its value. However, the conflict is resolved when Elvis pins the pin on his lapel and they all laugh. The scene ends with the Colonel's voiceover discussing Elvis's love for Black music and culture, and a transition to Beale Street in Memphis. The tone of this scene is lighthearted and humorous, with significant visual elements including the unloading of boxes, the explosion of cushions with Elvis's face on them, and the Colonel's demonstration of the merchandise.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Insightful character interactions
  • Exploration of cultural influences
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on external conflict
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, nostalgia, and reflection to provide insight into Elvis Presley's rise to fame and the impact of his success on his family and team.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Elvis Presley's merchandise empire and his early influences from Black culture adds depth to the narrative and showcases different aspects of his life beyond his music career.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the creation of Elvis' merchandise and his admiration for Black culture, providing a unique perspective on his journey to fame.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the commercialization of art and the complexities of fame, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel true to the time period and setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Colonel Parker and Elvis, are well-developed and their interactions reveal insights into their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

There is subtle character development, especially in Elvis' decision to wear the 'I Hate Elvis' pin, showing his growth and acceptance of criticism.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complexities of fame, identity, and public perception. Elvis grapples with the idea of being loved and hated simultaneously, and the internal conflict of staying true to himself amidst commercial pressures.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to establish his image and brand in the music industry, while also dealing with the challenges of fame and public scrutiny.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some conflict, particularly between Gladys and Colonel Parker regarding Elvis' merchandise, the scene focuses more on character dynamics and development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with internal and external conflicts providing obstacles for the protagonist to overcome, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

While there are personal stakes involved, such as Gladys' concerns about Elvis' fame, the scene focuses more on character dynamics and development rather than high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides background information on Elvis' early influences and the development of his merchandise empire, moving the narrative forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its exploration of fame and commercialization, but the nuanced character interactions and philosophical conflicts add layers of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the commodification of art and the authenticity of self-expression in the face of commercialization. The protagonist's values and beliefs are challenged by the demands of the industry and public perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes nostalgia and reflection, especially in the interactions between Elvis, his family, and the Colonel.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and humorous, capturing the dynamics between the characters and adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, drama, and philosophical depth, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and humor to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the themes and conflicts at play, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with the Colonel talking about merchandise featuring Elvis' face, which leads to a discussion about hate and its value. This topic is interesting, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene, which focuses on Elvis' love for Black music and culture. It might be more effective to move the discussion about hate to a different scene where it can be explored in more depth.
  • The scene includes a lot of dialogue from the Colonel, which can make it difficult for the audience to connect with Elvis. It might be more effective to give Elvis more opportunities to speak and express his own thoughts and feelings.
  • The scene ends with Elvis pinning the 'I Hate Elvis' pin on his lapel and everyone laughing. This moment is meant to be humorous, but it could also be interpreted as dismissive of the people who actually do hate Elvis. It might be more effective to find a way to address the issue of hate more seriously.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Elvis and the Colonel discussing Elvis' love for Black music and culture. This will help to establish the scene's focus and make the transition to the discussion about hate more natural.
  • Give Elvis more opportunities to speak and express his own thoughts and feelings. This will help the audience to connect with him and understand his motivations.
  • Find a way to address the issue of hate more seriously. This could involve having Elvis talk about his experiences with racism or having the Colonel explain why he believes that hate is a valuable commodity.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more somber note, with Elvis and the Colonel reflecting on the impact of Elvis' music on the world.



Scene 11 -  Elvis' Provocative Performance and the Public Outcry
INT./EXT. LANSKY BROS. - DAY (1956)

The same pink suit in Lansky’s window and now beside it,
a photo of Elvis wearing the suit on stage.

LANSKY
Son, ever since you first came in
here, you’ve been saying you’re
gonna buy me out but I told you...

We push past the window to where Elvis is now together
with B.B. and Lansky, buying up the store. Clerks’ arms
are piled with Elvis' purchases: brightly-striped shirts
and jackets of every description.

LANSKY
Buy from me, don’t buy me out!
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
Mr. Lansky, it’s Milton Berle. The
whole of America will be watching!

LANSKY
I don’t watch television.

B.B. KING
So what’s it gonna be? How are you
gonna blow their wigs off?

ELVIS
Well the network wants me to do a
ballad... but I was thinking of
cuttin’ it up with ‘Hound Dog’.

B.B. contemplating the enormity of it all:

B.B. KING
Elvis Presley. ‘Hound Dog’. Uncle
Miltie. Strange things happening
every day...

As Elvis riffs, starting to give B.B. King a sneak peek
of his performance, we MATCH CUT TO:


INT. NBC STUDIOS (LOS ANGELES) - DAY

ON Elvis, cutting the music into half time.

ELVIS
(sings)
You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!
Cryin' all the time!

Colonel watches from the studio floor, Diskin beside him.

COLONEL
Behold. Tomorrow all of America is
going to be talking about Elvis
Presley.

Elvis launches onto his toes, thrusts his pelvis out
towards America, and BOOM!

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Suddenly, he became a gateway to
Black culture, beamed out into
every living room in America...


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Elvis' body and sound ripples out through 50 MILLION TVs!

(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!
Cryin' all the time!

As one TV FILLS THE SCREEN, we find ourselves in...


INT. SENATOR EASTLAND’S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

An ideal American family: MOTHER, THREE DAUGHTERS, and a
SON sit around the television, watching Uncle Miltie.

Behind them, we glimpse the FATHER in his study, reading
the paper, surrounded by SUITED COLLEAGUES.


INT. NBC STUDIOS (LOS ANGELES) - DAY

Elvis' performance sends a ripple of laughter out through
the predominantly female audience.

MATCH CUT TO:


INT. GRACELAND - DAY

-- another screen, as we find ourselves with Gladys,
Vernon, Dixie, and the extended Presley family, all
crowded around the television set.

GLADYS
Even as a little one, he made me
laugh so! He's so funny!


INT. SENATOR EASTLAND’S HOUSE - STUDY - NIGHT

A newspaper headline: “Segregation Unconstitutional:
Supreme Court Strikes Down Mississippi Bus Law.”

The paper lowers to reveal the all-American father,
SENATOR "BIG JIM" EASTLAND, chomping a cigar.

EASTLAND COLLEAGUE (O.S.)
And for the next leg of your
Racial Integrity tour, we've
booked the Overton Park Shell in
Memphis...

But Eastland doesn't hear him, distracted by the sound of
his children's laughter. He rises, moving towards the
television.

SENATOR EASTLAND
What are they laughing about?
60.


INT. NBC STUDIOS (LOS ANGELES) - DAY

Elvis pushes his gyration further and further. The whole
experience has taken on a more raw and intense tone.


INT. SENATOR EASTLAND’S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

The blue light of the television dances across Eastland's
disturbed face, boiling with rage.

SENATOR EASTLAND
Who the hell is that?

MRS. EASTLAND
(unsettled)
It's that boy from Memphis.

Eastland glances to his besotted daughters, barely able
to conceal their desire.

EASTLAND’S DAUGHTER
Elvis Presley...

Eastland does a double-take, catching the same look on
the face of his son. A rising, volcanic revulsion as
Elvis comes back to real time:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
And you ain’t no friend of mine!


INT. GRACELAND - LIVING ROOM - DAY

The Presley family whoops and hollers as Berle kids
around with Elvis, pretending to gyrate.


INT. SENATOR EASTLAND’S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

Eastland strides aggressively toward the television, face
contorted in a white rage, body shaking with hate.

SENATOR EASTLAND
A white boy from Memphis... moving
like a goddamn--?!

The screen snaps black! A dark chord. The fun is over.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Eastland, isolated. He speaks from behind a desk:


(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED:

SENATOR EASTLAND
The obscenity and vulgarity of
this rock and roll music is
obviously a means by which the
white man and his children can be
driven to the level of the Negro!

We PULL BACK and Eastland is on a 1950s TV.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It was putting it on the
television that caused the
problem... It became politics.
And politics ain’t good for
business.

Another TV, and another, until the SCREEN is FILLED with
1950s TVs on which outraged critics decry:

VARIOUS CRITICS (V.O.)
Vulgarity!/Mongrel music!/Bebop is
Communism!/Ask Your Preacher about
Jungle Music!

POLITICIAN (V.O.)
The subversives who own, control,
and dominate the entertainment
industry...

We PUSH THROUGH a headline: “Public Outcry: Steve Allen
under pressure to cancel Elvis.”
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama"]

Summary In 1956, Elvis Presley, BB King, and Lansky buy clothes at Lansky Bros. Elvis plans to perform 'Hound Dog' on Milton Berle's show, which is later broadcasted on TV in various locations, including Graceland, Senator Eastland's house, and NBC Studios. The performance sparks controversy due to its vulgarity and racial implications, particularly angering Senator Eastland. The scene shifts to a ghostly Vegas casino in 1997 and various TVs across America, showcasing the performance's impact. The tone evolves from lively to tense, ending with Senator Eastland's outrage and the TV snapping black.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective portrayal of societal reactions
  • Compelling conflict and controversy
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals
  • Lack of in-depth exploration of certain characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the intense emotions and societal reactions to Elvis Presley's performance, creating a compelling narrative that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the cultural impact of Elvis Presley's music and performance on American society is well-executed, providing depth and insight into the era.

Plot: 8

The plot effectively portrays the escalating conflict and controversy surrounding Elvis Presley's music and performance, driving the narrative forward with tension and emotion.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the cultural impact of Elvis Presley and the societal reactions to his music. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Elvis Presley and Senator Eastland, are portrayed with depth and complexity, showcasing their contrasting perspectives and emotions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Senator Eastland, undergo significant emotional changes and realizations in response to Elvis Presley's performance, adding depth and complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to showcase his talent and make a mark in the music industry. This reflects his desire for recognition and success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress the network and audience with his performance. This reflects the immediate challenge of meeting expectations and delivering a memorable show.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, both internal and external, as characters grapple with their beliefs, values, and reactions to Elvis Presley's performance.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Senator Eastland representing a significant obstacle to the protagonist's success.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as characters grapple with societal norms, cultural shifts, and personal beliefs in the face of Elvis Presley's controversial performance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing the escalating conflict and controversy surrounding Elvis Presley's music and performance, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the protagonist's trajectory, but the unexpected reactions of supporting characters add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between traditional values and emerging cultural trends. Senator Eastland represents the conservative viewpoint, while Elvis symbolizes the changing landscape of music and entertainment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, ranging from anger and revulsion to excitement and joy, creating a powerful and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the intense emotions and conflicting viewpoints of the characters, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic interactions between characters, high stakes, and dramatic tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between different locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It's not immediately apparent what the characters are trying to accomplish or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It sounds like characters from different time periods speaking to each other.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition. The characters spend a lot of time talking about things that have already happened or explaining their motivations, rather than actually doing anything.
  • The pacing is slow and uneven. The scene drags in some places and rushes through others, making it difficult for the reader to follow the action.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's not clear what happens to the characters after they leave Lansky Bros.
  • The wardrobe that Elvis is purchasing are described as being "brightly-striped shirts and jackets of every description," however, in the iconic performance Elvis wore a pink suit. This is such an important aspect of the outfit that he wore for this performance that it is highly suggested to update the description of the clothing to match.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal or objective for the characters. What do they want to accomplish? What are the stakes?
  • Make the dialogue more natural and believable. Use contractions, slang, and colloquialisms to make the characters sound like real people.
  • Limit the exposition and focus on the action. Let the characters reveal their motivations through their actions and interactions.
  • Vary the pacing of the scene to create a more dynamic and engaging experience for the reader.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Resolve the conflict or at least hint at what will happen next.
  • Consider incorporating more details into the performance description, such as where Elvis performs the song, and how big the audience is. This will help to give the scene a greater sense of significance.



Scene 12 -  The Colonel's Plan: Repairing Elvis' Public Image
EXT. HUDSON THEATER (NEW YORK) - DAY (1956)

TRACKING DOWN the neon-lit "NBC TELEVISION" sign that
precedes the Steve Allen “Tonight Show.”

POLITICIAN (V.O.)
... are determined to spread
Africanized culture, influencing
your children to accept Negroes!

CAMERA GLIDES OVER the massive crowds of reporters,
rubber-necking pedestrians, and Black and white teens
spilling over the sidewalk outside.

As we start to hear the sweet sound of Elvis' voice
singing a gospel song to a simple piano accompaniment, we
GO THROUGH the stage door window...

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
I ask the Lord for everything,
I count my blessings each day...
62.


INT. HUDSON THEATER - REHEARSAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

We DISCOVER Colonel's cane and feet walking across the
newspaper-strewn floor. A copy of The Memphis Press-
Scimitar is dropped on the ground.

Above a photo of Elvis at the fairgrounds on “colored
night,” a headline reads: “Rock ‘n’ Roll Phenomenon
Cracks Memphis Segregation Laws." The CAMERA TILTS UP...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
We had to change course fast.

... and we FIND Elvis at a piano in the corner.

ELVIS
(sings)
And he’ll come to you,
If you’ll ask him to.
He’s only a prayer away.
Is your heart filled with pain?
Shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome
tonight?

Elvis stops, sensing the Colonel's presence. He looks
down at one of the headlines at his feet: "Elvis the
Pelvis belongs in the Jungle!"

ELVIS
(shaking his head)
Elvis the Pelvis... That’s one of
the most childish expressions I
ever heard coming from an adult.

Elvis looks up to see Scotty and Bill at the other end of
the room, reading the papers. Everyone is on eggshells.

ELVIS
Mr. Allen gonna cancel me from the
show?

COLONEL
(somber)
Yes.

Elvis looks up, ashen. Scotty and Bill are on their feet.
They expected as much, but it still stings.

COLONEL
He's replacing you with America's
greatest singer...

A rack of tail suits is wheeled in, followed by a tailor.


(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
Mario Lanza...?

COLONEL
Someone greater!

Elvis stands to examine the suits.

COLONEL
The new Elvis Presley! I snowed
him! I snowed him. You wear these
here tails, it’s a custom job;
sing the hound dog; it will be a
light-hearted, sophisticated
family show.

ELVIS
I can't move in one of these.

COLONEL
That's the whole point.

Colonel stops, sudden gravitas:

COLONEL (CONT’D)
Allen’s only agreed as long as
there’s no wiggling of the hips.

ELVIS
I can’t figure it out. What am I
doing wrong? My own mother
approves of what I’m doing.

Colonel points at all the papers on the ground.

COLONEL (CONT’D)
Have you seen the papers?

ELVIS
Yeah, the papers say I shot my
mother and smoke marijuana...

COLONEL
The papers say your movement has
the style of a colored man.

Colonel picks up the copy of The Memphis Press-Scimitar,
featuring Elvis breaking segregation laws.

COLONEL (CONT’D)
And that you are breaking
segregation laws.

Colonel leans in.


(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED: (2)

COLONEL (CONT’D)
It’s a simple plan. A good plan.
You do the Allen show, family
style. Tomorrow, we'll return to
Memphis and snow them with a 4th
of July children’s charity
concert. Then we can put this
unfortunate misstep behind us.

Colonel holds the tails up to Elvis. He looks at them.

COLONEL (CONT’D)
Now, do we want to go into
politics or stay in show business?

Elvis has no comeback.

SCOTTY
Hey Colonel, what do the light-
hearted, sophisticated, Blue Moon
Boys wear?

COLONEL
(dismissive)
We didn't discuss it.

As Colonel snaps the gap in the clothes rack shut, the
CAMERA rushes through black and discovers...
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic","Music"]

Summary In 1956, outside the Hudson Theater in New York, a large crowd gathers for the Steve Allen ‘Tonight Show’. Inside, Elvis is rehearsing when the Colonel enters, informing Elvis that he's been replaced by a 'greater' singer. The Colonel presents Elvis with tail suits, insisting he perform in a ‘light-hearted, sophisticated’ manner, without hip movement, to repair his public image. Conflict arises between the Colonel's desire to control Elvis’s image and Elvis' desire to stay true to himself. The scene ends with the Colonel presenting the tail suits and his plan for Elvis' performance.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the internal and external conflicts faced by Elvis and sets up a pivotal moment in his career.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis struggling with his image, societal expectations, and the influence of his manager is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Elvis facing a career setback and having to make a crucial decision under pressure.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the cultural and societal challenges of the 1950s, presenting a nuanced portrayal of Elvis Presley's struggles and the impact of his music on society.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Elvis and the Colonel, are well-developed and their conflicting motivations add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he confronts the consequences of his actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal is to understand why he is facing backlash and criticism for his music and performance style. He is questioning his own actions and seeking validation from those around him.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to navigate the challenges of being replaced on the Steve Allen show and to maintain his reputation and career in show business.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis's desire for artistic freedom and the Colonel's commercial interests creates a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals driving the conflict between characters and adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Elvis faces the risk of losing his career momentum and artistic integrity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up a major turning point in Elvis's career trajectory.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and the unexpected turn of events, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between traditional family-friendly entertainment and Elvis' rebellious, rock 'n' roll style. The Colonel represents the conservative values of the time, while Elvis embodies a more progressive and boundary-pushing approach to music.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is significant as Elvis grapples with external pressures and internal doubts.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the situation, showcasing the power dynamics between Elvis and the Colonel.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its compelling dialogue, emotional depth, and the high stakes faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the impact of key moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension and develops the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit heavy with exposition, and it could be more natural if it were broken up and integrated into the action of the scene.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting if it included more movement and action. For example, you could have the characters moving around the room as they talk, or you could have them interacting with the props in the scene.
  • The scene could be more suspenseful if it included a ticking clock or some other element of urgency. This would help to keep the reader engaged and on the edge of their seat.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it would be more satisfying if it included a resolution or a cliffhanger.
  • The scene is a bit too long, and it could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Break up the exposition and integrate it into the action of the scene.
  • Add more movement and action to the scene.
  • Include a ticking clock or some other element of urgency to create suspense.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by including a resolution or a cliffhanger.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.



Scene 13 -  Elvis' Humiliating Performance and Family Conflicts
INT. STEVE ALLEN STUDIOS - STAGE - NIGHT

Steve Allen, introducing Elvis. Elvis turns to camera,
now dressed in the tails. His face is a mask of horror.
Staring back at him: a live BASSET HOUND in a top hat.
The Blue Moon Boys look on.

An abstract nightmare of images: the dog barking; a flat
audience not reacting; Steve Allen laughing.

A keening scream of humiliation.

CUT TO: Elvis rushing from the stage, pushing past Scotty
and Bill who follow.


INT. STEVE ALLEN STUDIOS - REHEARSAL ROOM - LATER

Elvis bursts into the room tearing off the tails--

ELVIS
God damn it... damn it!

He hurls the tails on the ground, turning to Scotty and
Bill who are right behind him.

(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
He could have given me some
warning. I know how to do a skit.
I could have made it funny.

SCOTTY
It weren’t meant to be funny. It
were meant to make fun of us and
it did. It were the most stupid,
embarrassing, humiliating thing I
ever did.

ELVIS
What the hell do you want me to do
about it?

Scotty, totally out of character, yells:

SCOTTY
We're musicians!

All three of them are silenced by the thought.

SCOTTY
Well, we used to be. We used to be
a band, now we're... I don't know
what we are.

He looks at Elvis and turns to go.

SCOTTY
I'll... see you back in Memphis.

Only Bill now, he nods his head with deep affirmation.

BILL
You looked good in them tails...

He turns and leaves.


EXT. GRACELAND - FRONT GATES - DAY

Elvis’ purple El Dorado arrives at the front gates,
thronged as usual with fans.

Vernon drives, Elvis beside him. Elvis is visibly shaken
as he sees that some of the fans hold signs that read:
“No New Elvis,” “We Want Old Elvis,” etc...

VERNON
Not signing today, son?

Elvis just stares ahead, despondent.
66.


INT. GRACELAND - LIVING ROOM - DAY

The family are mid-argument. The news plays on the
television. Vernon changes the channel.

VERNON
These bus boycotts aren’t doing
nothing for nobody far as I can
see.
(to Elvis)
I like what you done with the TV
thing. I like the bit with the
dog... I like dogs

THROUGH the window, Billy can be seen playing in Elvis'
eccentric German MESSERSCHMITT CAR.

Dodger sits at the dining room table while Gladys
prepares for dinner. Strewn around the house are teddy
bears, fan mail, and new appliances.

GLADYS
Those New York people were using
you to poke fun at the whole
South! Getting a laugh outta
putting the hillbilly in a tail
coat and singin’ to a dog.

ELVIS
God damn it, Mama, it were either
that or get canceled! Then that's
it for television. And Colonel
says we running outta states I’m
welcome in, and they don't pay
unless I can perform. Colonel says
I play the charity concert
tomorrow night...

Elvis can't bring himself to say “the new Elvis.“

ELVIS
... family style. Then everybody
calms down and we can get back on
track.

VERNON
Someone’s gotta think about
keeping a roof over our heads.

GLADYS
We’ve always managed a roof over
our head, Vernon!

ELVIS
Daddy’s business manager, Mama,
it’s his job.
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED:

GLADYS
We was doin’ just fine, before
that man came along.

ELVIS
(defensive)
Colonel’s got us all this.

GLADYS
I don’t want all this! You’re
unhappy...

ELVIS
(tries to deny it)
I’m not...

GLADYS
You’re losing yourself, baby. The
way you sing and move, it’s God-
given, so there can’t be nothin’
wrong with it. Satnin’ knows...

Suddenly, Billy and a tangle of muddy cousins burst in!

BILLY
Hey, E.P., can we close down the
movie house and see Godzilla
tonight!?

ELVIS
No! And don’t tramp mud in the
house, Billy!
(back to Gladys)
You ain’t never happy! No matter
what I do, no matter how much I
give you, it ain’t never enough!

He’s looking at his family. They love him dearly, but
they can’t relate to the life he leads.

ELVIS
(making for the door)
And I wish you wouldn’t drink so
much! It ain’t good for ya!

GLADYS
Baby! Come back!

But he’s gone.
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic"]

Summary In this tense and emotional scene, Elvis performs on the Steve Allen show and is humiliated when he is made to sing to a dog in a top hat. He argues with his bandmates Scotty and Bill about their musical direction, and later gets into a heated argument with his mother Gladys about his career and Colonel Parker's influence. The conflicts are not resolved, and Elvis ultimately storms out of the house in frustration.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Family dynamics portrayal
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil Elvis is experiencing, the tension within his family, and the impact of the public humiliation on his psyche.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the personal and professional challenges faced by Elvis after a humiliating public performance is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the aftermath of the humiliating performance and the family dynamics, providing depth to Elvis's character and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of fame and identity, presenting a nuanced portrayal of Elvis Presley's internal and external conflicts. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, Gladys, and Vernon, are well-developed and their emotions and conflicts are portrayed convincingly.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis experiences a shift in his emotional state, from humiliation to defensiveness, showcasing a character change that sets up potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to maintain his sense of self and artistic integrity amidst the pressures of fame and commercial success. He struggles with feeling misunderstood and disconnected from his roots.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to navigate the demands of his management team, maintain his public image, and continue his career despite the challenges he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict within the family, Elvis's internal struggle, and the external pressures he faces create a high level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals among the characters. Elvis faces internal and external obstacles that challenge his sense of self and his career.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Elvis, as his public image, career, and family relationships are at risk due to the fallout from the humiliating performance.

Story Forward: 7

The scene delves into the aftermath of the humiliating performance, setting up potential story developments related to Elvis's career, family dynamics, and personal struggles.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts, shifting power dynamics, and unresolved conflicts. The audience is left unsure of how Elvis will navigate his challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between authenticity and commercial success. Elvis's family values his authenticity and artistic talent, while his management team prioritizes his commercial viability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly feelings of humiliation, defensiveness, and family tension, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions within the family, showcasing their differing perspectives and concerns.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, relatable character dynamics, and high stakes for the protagonist. The audience is drawn into Elvis's internal struggles and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing moments of quiet reflection and explosive outbursts to resonate with the audience. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is weak and needs to be rewritten. There is a lot of unnecessary dialogue and action that can be cut. The scene should be focused on the conflict between Elvis and his family over his new image. That conflict is not given enough attention in the current version.
  • The dialogue is not very natural or believable. The characters speak in a way that is too formal and stilted. The dialogue should be more conversational and reflect the way people actually talk.
  • The scene lacks any real sense of tension or drama. The conflict between Elvis and his family is not presented in a way that is engaging or exciting. The scene needs to be rewritten to create more tension and drama.
  • The scene is too long and rambling. It needs to be trimmed down to a more manageable length. The scene should be focused on the most important moments of the conflict between Elvis and his family.
  • The ending of the scene is weak. It does not provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict between Elvis and his family. The scene should be rewritten to provide a more satisfying ending.
Suggestions
  • Cut the unnecessary dialogue and action. Focus the scene on the conflict between Elvis and his family over his new image.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that is more conversational and reflects the way people actually talk.
  • Rewrite the scene to create more tension and drama. The conflict between Elvis and his family should be presented in a way that is engaging and exciting.
  • Trim the scene down to a more manageable length. The scene should be focused on the most important moments of the conflict between Elvis and his family.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict between Elvis and his family.



Scene 14 -  Elvis Presley Meets Little Richard and Sister Rosetta Tharpe at Club Handy
EXT. GRACELAND - DUSK

Elvis peels out in his PURPLE CADILLAC EL DORADO.
68.


EXT. GATES OF GRACELAND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

He negotiates the car through fans gathered at the gates.

From a spot across the street, a BLACK SEDAN follows.


INT./EXT. EL DORADO - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis punches on the radio. “Hound Dog” plays. He flips
through the stations: another Elvis track, and another.
He changes the station again, landing on “Rip It Up.”

The song invades the soundtrack and the El Dorado tears
off as we TILT UP TO downtown Memphis.


EXT. BEALE STREET - NIGHT

HIGH, OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN THROUGH the second-story
window, above which hangs the neon sign of "Club Handy."

CRANE DOWN to see a sharply-dressed B.B. King leaning on
the sill. He sees the El Dorado squeal to a halt across
the road.

RACK DOWN THE LINE. Break, grind, switch off, key out,
slam door. Elvis is out, collar up.

B.B. KING
E.P.!

Elvis spies the long line outside the door and a couple
patrons pointing in recognition. B.B. mimes ‘I got you.’

CAMERA JAMS UP TO the other window and THROUGH INTO...


INT. CLUB HANDY - NIGHT

Elvis and B.B. are now outside the upstairs doors to the
club. They’re greeted by the owner, SUNBEAM MITCHELL.

B.B. KING
Listen man, if you’re sad and you
wanna be sad, you’re at the right
place. If you’re happy and you
wanna be happy, guess what? You’re
at the right place. What you need
is the tonic that ails you.

LITTLE RICHARD (O.S.)
Let it all hang out!

The many patrons inside the club repeat the call.

(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED:

B.B. KING
Listen to the man. Let it all hang
out. Come on, let it all hang out.

Memphis photographer ERNEST WITHERS shakes hands with
B.B. and Elvis. Then as the doors swing open, B.B. King
leads Elvis through the ecstatic throng. As usual, Elvis
the only white face in the room.

A flash of lightning on stage in the form of a rouged and
lipsticked face beneath a towering bouffant: 19-year-old
wild-child LITTLE RICHARD.

LITTLE RICHARD
(sings)
A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-
boom!
Tutti Frutti, good booty!
Tutti Frutti, good booty!

To the delight of the crowd, Little Richard bangs the
piano like a percussive instrument.

LITTLE RICHARD
(sings)
I got a girl named Sue
She knows just what to do
I got a girl named Sue
She knows just what to do

Elvis follows B.B. snaking through the crowd, as Sunbeam
Mitchell guides them across the room.

ELVIS
Man, he is cuttin’ it!

B.B. KING
Sister Rosetta found this kid in
the backwaters of Georgia.

ELVIS
I should get the Colonel to book
him on ‘Steve Allen’... they gonna
love his moves.

On top of the piano now, Little Richard pulls open his
shirt to the delight of the crowd.

LITTLE RICHARD
(vocal)
A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-
boom!

A constant flutter of girls surround B.B. and Elvis as
they slide into their corner table.

(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED: (2)

ELVIS
(sings)
A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-
boom!
(speaks)
Man, he sings the hell outta that
song. I'd love to record that.

B.B. eases back, cigarette dangling from his fingers.

B.B. KING
If you do, you'll make a whole lot
more money than that kid could
ever dream of...

Little Richard's voice cuts through raucous applause:

LITTLE RICHARD
She's a sister of the Lord and a
sister to all of us, without whom
we would not even be here...
Sister Rosetta Tharpe!

Elvis perks up as SISTER ROSETTA THARPE takes the stage,
electric guitar slung over her shoulder.

SISTER ROSETTA THARPE
(sings)
Up above my head, I hear music in
the air...

The energy irresistible, Elvis and B.B. get up from their
table and join the audience.

A guitar solo takes us outside, where we can see the
parked car that tailed Elvis.

B.B. KING
Friends of yours?
Genres: ["Biographical","Musical","Drama"]

Summary Elvis Presley, driving his purple Cadillac Eldorado, is followed by a black sedan as he leaves Graceland and meets B.B. King. They go to Club Handy on Beale Street to watch Little Richard perform, where Elvis is impressed and wants to record his song and have him on the Steve Allen show. Later, Sister Rosetta Tharpe takes the stage and performs with her electric guitar. The scene ends with Elvis and B.B. joining the audience to watch her perform. The tone is lively and energetic, focusing on the music and performances.
Strengths
  • Vibrant musical performances
  • Cultural significance
  • Authentic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the energy and spirit of a live music performance, while also delving into the racial dynamics of the time period, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing the influence of African American music on Elvis Presley's career and the unity found through music in a racially divided society is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances by highlighting Elvis's appreciation for diverse musical styles and his interactions with influential musicians, setting the stage for his evolving career and personal growth.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a fresh approach to depicting the music scene in the 1950s, with a focus on integration and admiration for different genres. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elvis and B.B. King are portrayed as music enthusiasts who share a mutual respect for each other's talents, showcasing their camaraderie and passion for music.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character development in this scene, it showcases Elvis's growing appreciation for diverse musical styles and his bond with B.B. King.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to connect with the music and performers he admires, showcasing his passion for music and his desire to be a part of the scene.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to enjoy the music and socialize with other musicians, showcasing his desire for connection and recognition in the music industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is a lack of overt conflict in the scene, the underlying racial tensions and societal divisions add a layer of tension and complexity.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not very strong, as the focus is more on the interactions between characters and the music performances.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on musical appreciation and camaraderie rather than intense conflict or high-risk situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting key influences on Elvis's music career and setting the stage for his future artistic endeavors.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters and the introduction of new performers.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity and success in the music industry. Elvis's admiration for Little Richard and Sister Rosetta Tharpe challenges his own beliefs about music and fame.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of joy, appreciation, and nostalgia through the vibrant musical performances and interactions between characters, resonating emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Elvis and B.B. King is engaging and reflects their shared love for music, adding authenticity to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its vibrant setting, dynamic characters, and energetic dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a lively and dynamic rhythm, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a music-focused narrative, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting some of the dialogue and action.
  • The dialogue is not very natural and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The characters are not very well-developed and could be fleshed out more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • The scene lacks focus and could be improved by giving it a clear goal or objective.
  • The ending of the scene is not very satisfying and could be improved by giving it a more dramatic or impactful conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Cut some of the dialogue and action to make the scene shorter.
  • Make the dialogue more natural by making it more conversational.
  • Flesh out the characters by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or objective.
  • Give the scene a more dramatic or impactful conclusion.



Scene 15 -  Elvis' Frustration and a Sinister Undertone
EXT. BEALE STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION

From the car, two SHADOWY FIGURES look up at the window:
the silhouette of Elvis dancing with a young girl.

The lights of Beale Street go off, and as the noise and
energy of Club Handy dissipates, we hear the strains of
the Gospel classic “Working On A Building.”


INT. CLUB HANDY - LATER

Through the window, we can see the crowd has gone,. The
club’s staff puts chairs on tables.

(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED:

Elvis, B.B., Sister Rosetta, Little Richard and the house
band hang around for a final drink and a late-night
Gospel session.

As a song concludes, Elvis and B.B. wander to the bar.

B.B. KING
That’s a nice ride you rolled up
in tonight.

ELVIS
It’s no giant B.B. King bus!

Beside the bar, B.B. deftly hoists himself through an
open window onto the fire escape, Elvis follows.

B.B. KING
Big Red! Yeah, I can go where I
want, play where I want, and if
they don’t like it, I can go
someplace else. It’s about
control, man. It’s like having my
own label: if you don’t do the
business, the business will do
you.

ELVIS
(brushing it off)
I leave all that to the Colonel.

B.B. KING
So it’s his idea, this “New
Elvis”?

Elvis nods as B.B. lights a cigarette.

B.B. KING
I don’t get it, man. Cats buy your
records because they like what you
do, not ‘cause you’re dressed up
like some... butler! You really
think those kids want to see
“Elvis the butler” at this
Russwood Park gig tomorrow?

ELVIS
I ain’t wearing no tails. I just
got to back off the moves, is all.
Colonel says if I don’t, they
gonna put me in jail.

B.B. laughs at the prospect.

B.B. KING
C’mon man, they’re not gonna put
you in jail.
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED: (2)
B.B. KING (CONT'D)
They might put me in jail for
walking down the street, but you a
famous white boy! Too many people
are making too much money outta
you to put you in jail.

The truth of this hangs heavy with Elvis as, from inside,
Sister Rosetta develops the jam into one of her songs.

SISTER ROSETTA THARPE
(sings)
Every day... yes! There are
strange things happening every
day!

ELVIS
You think so?

B.B. KING
I know so. Colonel’s too smart.
There’s got to be another reason.

Just then, Ernest Withers calls out through the window:

ERNEST WITHERS
Hey, Elvis, B.B.! Give us a smile!

The FLASH BULB BURNS the SCREEN while the unanswered
question is memorialized in Elvis' eyes. “Strange Things”
takes on a sinister undertone...


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

We PULL OUT from the photo of B.B. and Elvis, arm-in-arm,
now on the front of page of THE MEMPHIS WORLD.

SISTER ROSETTA THARPE (V.O.)
(vocal)
Every day... every day...

More photos: Elvis at the WDIA Goodwill Revue. Elvis at
the fairgrounds on “colored night.”

SENATOR EASTLAND
Elvis and B.B. King at Club Handy,
with Rufus Thomas and some colored
children at the WDIA Goodwill
Revue. Your boy on colored night
at the Memphis fairgrounds...

Senator Eastland stands over Colonel. Through Rosetta
Tharpe's high-pitched keening, we catch only snippets:



(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:

SENATOR EASTLAND
... found your records... unfit
for military duty... acute
psychopathic state...

COLONEL
I was pretending to be crazy, I
wanted out! I was just a boy from
Huntington West Virginia.

SENATOR EASTLAND
... before the Army, we found no
record of you at all...

Colonel looks up, ashen. Caught.

SENATOR EASTLAND
You were never a Colonel, never a
Tom, never a Parker.


EXT. RUSSWOOD PARK BASEBALL STADIUM - NIGHT (1956)

As the VICE SQUAD installs movie cameras, POLICE erect a
barrier separating BLACK and WHITE TEENS. On the open
stage on the field, a 4th of July kick line number...

As "Strange Things" builds menacingly, CRANE HIGH...

A WHITE PATROL CAR makes its way through the crush of
people and traffic outside.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Eastland appears, orating before a Confederate flag.

SENATOR EASTLAND
The South will retain segregation.
The governor of a sovereign State
can use the force at his
command...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
That very night of the charity
show, Senator Eastland was holding
a segregationist rally not 3 miles
away at the Memphis bandshell.


INT. PATROL CAR - NIGHT (1956)

A PATROLMAN and a POLICE CHIEF in the front. Elvis in the
back, head-to-toe in jet black, but for red tie and
socks. Colonel, beaming, leans on his cane beside him.
Fans press against the windows. The tension is palpable.
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
The mayor loved you on the ‘Steve
Allen’ show. All the important
people did. What are you singing
tonight?

Elvis, still not looking at him:

ELVIS
I made no decision. I’ll feel it.

COLONEL
Pay no mind to the big cameras.
That’s just our friends in the
Vice Squad. They don’t mean
nothin.
(to the Police Chief)
Ain’t that right, Chief?

The Police Chief, a stone cold affirmation:

POLICE CHIEF
As long as you don’t so much as
wiggle a finger.

The car pulls up at the back of the open stage and
Colonel laughs as they alight.
Genres: ["Drama","Musical","Biography"]

Summary In this contemplative and tense scene, two shadowy figures observe Elvis and a young girl dancing outside Club Handy. Inside, Elvis, B.B. King, Sister Rosetta, and Little Richard have a late-night gospel session. Elvis expresses his frustration to B.B. about the Colonel's control over his career and new image. Photographer Ernest Withers takes a photo, and the scene ends with a flashbulb and a sinister undertone, leaving Elvis' unanswered question memorialized in his eyes.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too subtle for all viewers to grasp
  • Potential for confusion with the flashbacks and flash-forwards

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tension and conflict surrounding Elvis's career and personal life, with strong emotional impact and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Elvis's struggle with his public image, the influence of the Colonel, and the racial dynamics in the music industry is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through conversations and interactions between characters, revealing internal conflicts and external pressures.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the music industry and racial tensions of the 1950s, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, B.B. King, and the Colonel, are well-developed with distinct personalities and conflicting motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis experiences internal conflict and growth, especially in relation to his public image and artistic integrity.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to navigate the pressures and expectations placed on him by his manager, the Colonel, while staying true to his own identity and music style.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to perform at the Russwood Park gig without compromising his authenticity or facing legal consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present, both internal and external, driving the characters' decisions and interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and pressures that challenge the protagonist's decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Elvis in terms of his career, public perception, and personal identity, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key character dynamics, conflicts, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character actions and conflicts, but still maintains intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around artistic integrity versus commercial success, as Elvis grapples with the pressure to conform to a new image for financial gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles, tensions, and personal revelations.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character depth and advancing the plot through meaningful interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of music, tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the character dynamics and conflicts.


Critique
  • The pacing of the scene is very fast and the dialogue is rather exposition heavy. This might be better sewn into the previous scene and have some of the action shown, like the jam session, than have it be discussed.
  • The sinister undertone of the flashbulb is powerful, but there's no payoff within this scene or any immediate follow up on it outside of the transition to the Elvis 1997 scene.
  • The dialogue from Senator Eastland is interesting background information, but it might be too heavy-handed and on-the-nose.
  • The comments from the Police Chief and Colonel add to the tension, but the scene might benefit from building up to that tension rather than jumping into it so abruptly.
  • The line "I'll feel it" from Elvis in response to what he'll sing that night feels out of character and doesn't provide much insight into the conflict at hand regarding his public image and artistic identity.
Suggestions
  • Consider weaving the Gospel session, with the possible inclusion of the flashbulb, into the previous scene to create a smoother transition and build up to the ominous tone earlier.
  • Consider having the scene end with the flashbulb and the menacing tone it brings as a cliffhanger, leaving the audience to ponder its implications and the potential consequences for Elvis and those around him.
  • Consider reframing Senator Eastland's dialogue as internal monologue or a voiceover to provide the same information while maintaining the scene's focus on Elvis and the events surrounding the Russwood Park concert.
  • Consider building tension throughout the scene by incorporating more dialogue and interactions between Elvis, the Colonel, and the other characters, gradually leading up to the confrontation with the Police Chief.
  • Consider revising Elvis' dialogue about what he will sing to something more in line with his character, perhaps reflecting his rebellious nature or his desire to connect with the audience on a deeper level despite the constraints imposed on him.



Scene 16 -  Elvis's Defiant Performance at Russwood Park
EXT. RUSSWOOD PARK BASEBALL STADIUM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Colonel guides Elvis through a corridor of police. Elvis
approaches his family.

GLADYS
Jesse’s with us tonight, baby.

VERNON
Play it smart out there, son.

BILLY
Give ‘em hell.

DEWEY PHILLIPS (O.S.)
I know a lot of the young people
are excited for our next act...

THE CROWD GOES BESERK. Scotty and Bill take the stage.
Before Elvis follows, Colonel leans in for a final word.

COLONEL
All you gotta do is stand there,
sing the nice song, smile the nice
smile, no wiggling! And then we
can get back to our show business.
And have fun!

(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED: (2)

Elvis stares opaquely back.

DEWEY PHILLIPS (O.S.)
AND HERE HE IS... ELVIS PRESLEY!!!

102-103 To deafening applause, Elvis runs on stage. 102-103


EXT. RUSSWOOD PARK STADIUM - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Arriving at the microphone, he holds his hand up in the
air to quiet the audience. The crowd settles, immense
tension in the air.

Colonel and the police, Gladys, Vernon, Dodger, and
Billy, all look on anxiously from the roped-off area.

ELVIS
(humble)
There’s been a lot of talk about
the New Elvis.

The crowd boos.

ELVIS
And you know, that other guy.

Elvis can see the cameras of the Vice Squad and with a
smirk, he raises his pinky finger into the air.

The perplexed and bewildered faces of THE CONVALESCENT
CHILDREN’S HOME CHARITY COMMITTEE, sitting side-by-side
with THE MAYOR, THE MINISTER, and the Police Chief as
well as VARIOUS DIGNITARIES.

Elvis suggestively wiggles his finger towards the camera.

ELVIS
(sings)
You ain't nothing but a hound dog
crying all the time...

A squall of ear-shattering screams and laughter as he
mocks the surveillance. CUT TO the stony faces of the
Mayor and dignitaries, appalled.

After a moment, Elvis looks up and can just hear Senator
Eastland's rally on the wind:

EASTLAND (O.S.)
... civil and other, to maintain
public order, and prevent crime
and riots...



(CONTINUED)
76.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
There's a lot of people saying a
lot of things.

Elvis looks to the Colonel. They hold each other’s gaze
for what seems like an eternity.

ELVIS
You gotta listen to the people you
love.

He looks to Gladys and Vernon.

ELVIS
But in the end you gotta listen to
yourself.

Elvis places his guitar down.

ELVIS
You know, those people in New York
are not gonna change me none.

He glances to Scotty and Bill and whispers to their
incredible excitement and delight:

ELVIS
Trouble.

Then, in a building crescendo, he virtually screams.

ELVIS
(yells)
I'm gonna show you what the real
Elvis is like tonight!

The band kicks in like a Molotov cocktail.

ELVIS
(sings)
If you're looking for trouble
You came to the right place!
If you're looking for trouble
Just look right in my face!
I was born standing up
And talking back...

14,000 white and Black teenagers thunder the chorus!

ELVIS/CROWD
(sing)
My daddy was a green-eyed mountain
jack!
Because I'm evil, my middle name
is misery!

(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED: (2)

The place goes bananas! The rope fence is CRUSHED under
the jitterbugging, jiving, writhing youth. The line
between Black and white bleeds together in the mayhem.

ELVIS/CROWD
(sing)
I'm evil, evil, evil, as can be!!!

He dances and grinds, exploding with sexuality.

ELVIS/CROWD
(sing)
So don’t mess around, don’t mess
around,
Don’t mess around with me!

He staggers around the stage as if drunk. Falling to the
ground, grinding on the mic stand as if making love.

Amidst the hysterical youth, a WHITE GIRL deliriously
dances with a HIP YOUNG FAN.

ELVIS/CROWD
(sing)
I’m evil, evil, evil as can be!
Genres: ["Musical","Drama"]

Summary Elvis arrives at Russwood Park, accompanied by Colonel and his family, facing criticism and pressure to conform. In a defiant move, he chooses to stay true to himself, leading to an emotional and intense performance filled with energetic dance moves, causing the crowd to go wild.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling theme of rebellion and self-expression
Weaknesses
  • Potential controversy due to provocative performance

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and sets up a pivotal moment in Elvis's career. The energy and defiance displayed by Elvis resonate strongly with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of rebellion and self-expression is central to the scene, as Elvis defies expectations and societal norms through his performance.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Elvis takes a stand and asserts his identity through his electrifying performance, setting the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar theme of an artist asserting their identity in the face of external pressures. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Elvis's character shines in this scene, showcasing his rebellious spirit, passion for music, and determination to stay true to himself despite external pressures.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, embracing his true self and asserting his identity in the face of opposition, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to assert his identity and authenticity in the face of external pressures and expectations. He wants to stay true to himself and his roots, despite the changing landscape of the music industry.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to put on a show that defies expectations and challenges the status quo. He wants to make a statement through his performance and push boundaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis and societal expectations, as well as the tension with authority figures, creates a compelling dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elvis facing external pressures and expectations that challenge his authenticity and identity.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Elvis challenging societal norms, risking his career, and asserting his identity add tension and drama to the scene, elevating its impact and significance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing Elvis's defiance and setting up future conflicts and developments, making it a crucial turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Elvis's performance, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around authenticity versus conformity. Elvis is torn between staying true to himself and conforming to the expectations of the music industry and society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from excitement and passion to defiance and anxiety, making it a memorable and impactful moment in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys Elvis's defiance and determination, adding depth to his character and enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and the dynamic performance by Elvis. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and excitement, leading to a climactic performance by Elvis.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and culminates in a powerful performance, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene appears to be crucial in the screenplay as Elvis Presley takes to the stage amidst controversy and societal pressure, choosing to stay true to himself despite external influences. However, the dialogue in this scene lacks depth and emotional impact. The characters' lines mainly consist of functional exposition and lack the nuance and subtext that could elevate the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or dramatic tension. While it is mentioned that Elvis is facing criticism and pressure to conform, this conflict is not fully explored or dramatized in the dialogue or character interactions. As a result, the scene feels somewhat flat and fails to engage the reader emotionally.
  • The pacing of this scene is uneven. The beginning of the scene, where Elvis and his family are speaking before he takes the stage, feels slow and drawn out. However, once Elvis starts performing, the scene becomes rushed and lacks the necessary build-up and emotional impact to make his performance truly powerful.
  • The characters in this scene lack depth and complexity. Elvis is portrayed as a one-dimensional rebel without much motivation or inner conflict. The other characters, such as his family and the Colonel, are equally underdeveloped and fail to contribute to the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The dialogue in this scene is often repetitive and lacks specificity. Characters repeat the same points or express similar sentiments without adding new information or deepening our understanding of their characters.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more emotionally resonant and revealing of character. Explore Elvis' inner conflict and motivations, as well as the complex dynamics between him and the other characters.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or dramatic tension that drives the scene forward. This could involve external pressures, internal struggles, or interpersonal relationships.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create a more engaging and impactful experience. Build up the tension before Elvis' performance and allow the moment to breathe, giving the reader time to connect with the characters and the significance of the event.
  • Develop the characters further by giving them distinct personalities, motivations, and relationships. Explore their inner conflicts and how they impact the scene's dynamics.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more specific and avoid repetition. Each line should contribute to the scene's progression and reveal new insights into the characters or the situation.



Scene 17 -  Promises and Disobedience: The Career of Elvis Presley
INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

SENATOR EASTLAND
He can use these forces to prevent
the racial integration of schools
if this is necessary under the
police power of the States to
prevent disorder and riots. In
fact it is his duty to preserve
order and prevent turmoil and
strife within the state.

Eastland stops and slowly turns toward the overwhelming
din of the hysterical fans.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
That night, the noise was so great
it could be heard at Eastland's
rally.

Eastland, as he realizes that the hordes are coming.


EXT. RUSSWOOD PARK STADIUM - FIELD - NIGHT (1956)

Police try to press the crowd back. Colonel turns to the
family. He can see things are getting out of hand.


(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Now, I know that Elvis would want
me to look after your safety and I
think now would be a very good
time to get back into the car.

VERNON
What? Now?

Colonel makes his way over to Diskin. Elvis becomes
wildly provocative with RCA’s mascot, Nipper the dog.

COLONEL
Our friends at RCA are not gonna
be too happy when they hear about
that.

The sergeant’s men begin to move the family towards their
waiting vehicle. As Colonel repositions himself beneath
the stage, it is clear to him that things have gotten
completely out of control. He barks to the sergeant:

COLONEL
Get him off the stage!
(to Diskin)
Protect the merchandise!

ELVIS/CROWD
(sing)
SO DON'T MESS AROUND, DON'T MESS
AROUND, MESS AROUND...

But before Elvis can finish, THE CROWD RUSHES THE STAGE
and the sergeant’s men surround him. He drops the
microphone. The boys abandon their instruments. The
police throw a wall around Elvis, dragging him away, as
Scotty and Bill are sucked back into the melée.


INT./EXT. PATROL CAR/RUSSWOOD PARK - NIGHT

The police sergeant and his men try to hustle Gladys into
the car. She stops, seeing Elvis is not yet safe.

GLADYS
Elvis! Elvis! Get in the car!

Elvis gets thrown into a police car as Gladys is dragged
by Vernon into the family car. THROUGH the rear window,
Elvis glimpses their car and the vehicle with Scotty and
Bill departing in different directions.

At the center of it all, the Colonel stands with the
stage collapsing behind him.


(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:

Elvis drops his head back, looking up as 4th of July
fireworks explode all around him. He closes his eyes.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

OLD COLONEL
He didn't listen...

Colonel UPTURNS the table!!

OLD COLONEL
HE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME!!

A dramatic, operatic version of ‘Jailhouse Rock’ builds
as we hear the BING-BING-BING of the slot machines,
infused with Colonel's heavy breathing.

OLD COLONEL
The charismatic child had no idea
of the terrible price we would
both pay for his glorious tantrum.
I had to find a way out, a way to
save him.


EXT. GRACELAND - DAY (1958)

Drizzle smears the lonely Cadillacs in the driveway.


INT. GRACELAND - LIVING ROOM - DAY

It’s gloomy and cold. Gladys sits with Vernon around the
fire, Colonel nearby. Elvis on the lounge, singing.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, I went to the bayou just
last night
There was no moon, but the stars
were bright..

Gladys holds a drink, shaking. Vernon stares blankly
ahead. Elvis in shock.

GLADYS
No, there’s no way I’m letting my
baby go to Germany for two years!

VERNON
Your cousin all but lost his mind
when they sent him to Korea.



(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
It is either the army or jail.
There’s something else, Vernon. I
vouched for your integrity, but
they've been poking in your
background.

GLADYS
He passed a bad check to put food
on the table. They were hard
times...

ELVIS
We don’t have nothing to be
ashamed of! My daddy’s a good man.

COLONEL
But your papa did go to jail. And
if you go, too? Well, you know how
they are with their flashy
headlines. Elvis the draft-dodger,
a family of delinquents. We may
never book another date or sell
another record!

ELVIS
This is my fault.

COLONEL
My boy, don't blame yourself. I
was partially responsible.

Colonel takes an “I Hate Elvis” pin from his pocket.

COLONEL
But when I tried to warn you, you
made your own choice. Now, to my
way of thinking, the Army can be a
new beginning for us all. Let them
cut your hair, prove that you're a
clean-cut, all- American boy, a
patriot. Do your two years and
when you come back, I promise you,
I will have done everything to
make you the biggest star in
Hollywood! And you will choose
your own pictures.

ELVIS
It’s gonna be ok, Mama...
(turning to Colonel)
Do you think they’d let me do the
movie before I ship off?



(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED: (2)

COLONEL
(reassuringly)
I could get a deferment. So you
will do the ‘King Creole’ picture
and then we’ll be off.

Colonel nods, holding up the pin.

COLONEL
But no more of this.

He throws the “I Hate Elvis” pin into the fire and the
word "hate" shrivels and melts in the flames.

Gladys’ desperate sobs are drowned out by the angry growl
of HAIR CLIPPERS as we--

TRANSITION TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic","Musical"]

Summary In a nostalgic and regretful scene, Elvis' disobedience towards the Colonel's advice leads to chaotic consequences in 1956. The Colonel reflects on this night in 1997, upset that Elvis didn't listen to him. In 1958, Elvis is forced to choose between joining the army or facing jail time, which could potentially harm his career. The conflicts arise as the Colonel promises to make Elvis a star upon his return from the army, while Gladys expresses her concerns. The scene ends with the discussion of Elvis' enlistment at Graceland in 1958.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Complexity of relationships may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and high stakes faced by the characters, with strong dialogue and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing personal integrity with public image, the impact of fame on family relationships, and the consequences of decision-making is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with tension and conflict, showcasing the challenges faced by Elvis and his family in navigating fame and societal expectations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh perspective on Elvis Presley's career and personal struggles, offering a unique portrayal of the pressures and challenges he faced. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions. The interactions between Elvis, Gladys, Vernon, and Colonel Parker are compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant internal struggle and decision-making process, leading to potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect Elvis and ensure his safety amidst the chaos and danger surrounding his performance. This reflects his deeper desire to maintain control and authority over Elvis's career and image.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the escalating situation at the concert and prevent any harm coming to Elvis or his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining order and safety in a chaotic environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between personal desires and public expectations, as well as the internal conflicts faced by the characters, create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles in managing the chaotic situation and protecting Elvis. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Elvis faces crucial decisions about his career, family, and personal integrity, with significant consequences at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting key decisions and conflicts that will impact Elvis's future trajectory.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the sudden rush of the crowd and the protagonist's dramatic actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire to protect Elvis at all costs and the external pressures and expectations of the music industry and law enforcement. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty, sacrifice, and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the interactions between Elvis, Gladys, and Colonel Parker.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the inner struggles and conflicts of the characters while driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional character interactions, and high-stakes conflict. The audience is drawn into the chaos and tension of the situation, rooting for the protagonist to protect Elvis and his family.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The transitions between locations are smooth and enhance the flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful. Consider removing some of the dialogue between Colonel and Elvis and focus more on the visuals and music.
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. Consider rephrasing some of the lines to make them sound more conversational.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. Consider adding a specific obstacle or challenge that Elvis must overcome in order to make the scene more engaging.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. Consider adding a more dramatic or unexpected event to make it more memorable.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Elvis performing on stage, and then cut to Colonel watching from the audience. This will create a more immediate and engaging opening.
  • Add a scene where Elvis and Colonel are talking backstage before the show. This will give the audience a chance to learn more about their relationship and motivations.
  • Have Elvis face a specific challenge during the show, such as a malfunctioning microphone or a hostile audience. This will create a more dramatic conflict and make the scene more suspenseful.
  • End the scene with a more powerful or emotional moment. For example, have Elvis give a speech to the audience about his music or have him break down in tears on stage.
  • Consider adding more music to the scene. This will help to create a more immersive and emotional experience for the audience.



Scene 18 -  Elvis' Grief and The Colonel's Consolation
INT. BARBERSHOP (FORT CHAFFEE) - DAY (1958)

Clippers cleave Elvis' rich, dark locks, sending them
cascading onto the cold, cement floor.

ELVIS
Hair today, gone tomorrow.


INT. GRACELAND - NIGHT

A glass tumbler falls from Gladys’ hand. She crumples to
the ground, distraught. Vernon stands, helpless.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

A choir sings a dark version of “Heartbreak Hotel” as Old
Colonel turns to see Gladys’ casket in the distance.

OLD COLONEL
She had fretted losing her second
son her whole life.

As he gets closer, Elvis appears, crying over his mother.

OLD COLONEL
I had to let the world know that
my boy was a good, dutiful son,
and nothing like the rebel
delinquent they feared.
82.


INT. GRACELAND - MUSIC ROOM - DAY (1958)

The extended Presley clan gathers round the casket. Elvis
wails from the back of the house.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I couldn’t let a good funeral go
to waste.

Colonel sees Vernon, destroyed, sitting at the foot of
the stairs. He moves towards him.

COLONEL
There are some fine folk from the
press out front... a few words,
pictures... then they will leave
us alone.

Vernon cuts him off, shaking his head. He nods towards a
back room and the sound of Elvis’ inconsolable sobs.

VERNON
He won’t. I can't get him to do
anything. I keep asking myself,
what would she do?

COLONEL
Yes, he trusted her like nobody
else and now she’s gone and what
does he have now?

This thought cuts through to Vernon.

VERNON
He has you... He trusts you! Talk
to him.

Colonel, as if the thought had never occurred to him:

COLONEL
It ain’t my place...

VERNON
Can you do it? Please Colonel, we
need your help...

Colonel nods his head, making his way down the hall.


INT. GRACELAND - GLADYS’ BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Colonel enters. Elvis, inconsolable, curled up in the
closet with one of her dresses. After a moment...



(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
(ever-so-softly)
All this has been for my Satnin'.
And now she can't even enjoy it.

COLONEL
(warmly)
Your poor Daddy is doing the best
he knows how but he is
overwhelmed. He just keeps asking
himself over and over again, what
she would have done? He needs your
help... out there.

ELVIS
No, I can't go out there. I just
want to stay here forever.

COLONEL
My boy. No one could never replace
her, but listen to me. From this
moment on, anything she would have
done, I will carry out in her
name. While you are overseas I'll
stay home and I will work and I
will worry while you serve your
time in the Army. Trust me.

The Colonel takes Elvis, guiding him gently to his feet.

COLONEL
Now come, go stand by your Papa,
comfort him, comfort your friends,
family, and even your fans.
Because if you don't, then all
your Mama sacrificed for you will
have been for nothing... Trust me.

Elvis nods his head gently and then, unexpectedly, lays
his head on the Colonel's shoulder and whispers:

ELVIS
No matter what happens, stay with
me through thick or thin, okay?

Colonel's hands move ever-so-slowly toward Elvis'
shoulders, barely touching them in a strange, suspended
gesture as Elvis weeps into his shoulder.

ELVIS
You're like... you’re like...
84.


EXT. GRACELAND - FRONT STEPS - DAY

The popping of FLASHBULBS. Elvis and Vernon sit on the
steps amidst a scrum of newspapermen and photographers.

ELVIS (V.O.)
... a father to me.

REPORTER (V.O.)
Young Mr. Presley, a rock and
roller no more...


EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY

THE U.S.S. Randall sails past THE STATUE OF LIBERTY...

REPORTER (V.O.)
... is doing his duty and joining
the ranks of the U.S. Army...


INT. U.S.S. RANDALL - CABIN - DAY

Elvis lies in his bunk, in uniform.

REPORTER (V.O.)
... to serve like any ordinary,
patriotic young American.

Tears streaming from his eyes as he sings to himself:

ELVIS
(sings)
I get so lonely, I get so lonely,
I get so lonely...
(whispers)
I could die...


EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT

The U.S.S. Randall is tiny against the horizon. We TILT
UP INTO the starry, black night and --

MATCH CUT TO:


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

The artificial fiber-optic starry night of the casino
ceiling. The Colonel is lying on his back, between the
endless blackjack tables, relieved. Rain begins to fall.



(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL
I had done it; Elvis Presley would
return a clean-cut, all-American
boy. But I failed. I did not
consider the most dangerous thing
of all... love.

Colonel stands, now holding an umbrella, and looks out to
the misty streets of Bad Nauheim as a car drives past.


EXT. ELVIS' HOUSE (BAD NAUHEIM) - DUSK (1959)

An unprepossessing two-story cottage. Fans cluster around
the fence, craning their necks.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... love!!

SLOW CRANE UP OVER the front of the house, as we GLIMPSE
a party through the ground floor windows.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Suddenly, no one else existed but
the pretty teenage daughter of a
United States Air Force officer.

PUSH PAST leaves, THROUGH to a second-story window, where
we discover a beribboned ponytail against the glass.

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
The second I walked in the door
they started bombarding me with
all these questions and I just
said ‘Excuse me if you don’t mind,
please, I’d like to go to bed.’
And then he said to me...

The girl turns. Doll-like, with cool, turquoise eyes:
PRISCILLA BEAULIEU. She looks down on the fans below.

PRISCILLA
(imitating a man)
‘You know Priscilla, he's got
girls all over the world, okay?
Girls that are waiting outside his
house. Girls that are writing him
endless fan mail.’ And then Mommy
says to me, ‘Oh my goodness, what
could he possibly see in you? What
do you two do up there all night?’
And I just said...
86.


INT. ELVIS' HOUSE (BAD NAUHEIM) - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Peculiar bric-a-brac fills Elvis' room. Bags of fan mail,
piles of stuffed animals. THROUGH the open door, we see
several other officers and their dates milling around.

PRISCILLA
‘We talk and listen to music,
that’s all. The fan mail and those
other girls, that's just his job.’
And then they were going on about
that photo of you and Natalie Wood
riding around on that bike in
Memphis...

We FOLLOW Priscilla as she gets down to join Elvis,
sitting on the floor in his military uniform.

PRISCILLA
But then I said, and I said this
very calmly: ‘Listen, he’s just
lonely and quite frankly, so am
I.’ And they didn’t have anything
to say to that, so I just went to
bed.

ELVIS
I've never met anyone like you.

PRISCILLA
I hope not...

ELVIS
You understand it all.

PRISCILLA
I don’t think I understand it all,
I think I just understand you.
(then; masking
jealousy)
What is Natalie Wood like?

ELVIS
She’s nice. She’s been writing to
me about acting. You know, I'm
making a study of Marlon Brando
and James Dean. Natalie writes
about working with him, and ‘Rebel
Without a Cause.’

PRISCILLA
‘Rebel’?

ELVIS
You’ve never seen ‘Rebel Without a
Cause’?
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED:
ELVIS (CONT'D)
Oh, that’s one of my favorite
movies. James Dean, he’s a genius
at acting. God, I just hope to one
day be as good as him. The
Colonel’s promised me that when I
get back, he’s gonna set me up in
Hollywood to be a serious actor...
(suddenly shy)
It’s really what I dream of.

A young sergeant, CHARLIE HODGE, appears at the doorway.

CHARLIE
E.P., you promised the Captain
you’d have her back by 7.

ELVIS
Hey Charlie, what’s that behind
you?

Charlie turns away as Elvis slams the door shut.

ELVIS
He don’t boss me around.

Elvis looks out the french doors, onto the street where
fans are still staring up. He closes the curtains.

Priscilla, now standing by Elvis’ side, looks up to him
and fills him with confidence as she says:

PRISCILLA
Well, I think if you dream it,
you’ll do it.

ELVIS
You do?

PRISCILLA
I really do.

ELVIS
Yeah?

PRISCILLA
Yeah.

For the first time since Gladys’ death, someone believes
in him. They look at each other and kiss.
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic"]

Summary The scene opens with Elvis getting a haircut in 1958, followed by Gladys' collapse at Graceland. In a ghostly Vegas casino in 1997, the Colonel sees Gladys' casket and Elvis crying. Back in 1958, the Presley clan gathers around Gladys' casket. The Colonel consoles Elvis, who is overwhelmed with grief, at Vernon's request. The scene is somber and emotional, with the Colonel helping Vernon deal with his wife's death and Elvis' distress.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-written, and provides depth to the characters. It effectively sets up future developments in Elvis' life.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Elvis' emotional struggles after his mother's death and the Colonel's attempt to support him is compelling and adds layers to the character dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Elvis' grief, the Colonel's guidance, and the introduction of Priscilla, which are crucial elements in Elvis' life story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on Elvis Presley's life, exploring his internal struggles, relationships, and aspirations in a unique and authentic way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, the Colonel, and Priscilla, are well-developed and their interactions are poignant and revealing.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis experiences a shift in perspective and finds a source of hope in Priscilla, showcasing his emotional growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his mother's death and find a way to honor her memory while dealing with his own emotions and responsibilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the expectations of the press, his family, and his fans while dealing with the loss of his mother and his upcoming military service.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external, focusing on Elvis' grief and the Colonel's attempt to guide him.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the emotional core of the story.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as Elvis grapples with his grief and the uncertainty of his future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important future events in Elvis' life, such as his relationship with Priscilla and his career decisions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional revelations, character interactions, and shifts in tone and setting.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of duty, sacrifice, and personal desires. Elvis is torn between fulfilling his obligations to his family, fans, and country, and pursuing his dreams of becoming a serious actor.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Elvis' vulnerability, the Colonel's support, and the introduction of Priscilla as a source of comfort.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotional, authentic, and drives the character development forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the tension between internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, allows for emotional moments to resonate, and transitions smoothly between different locations and time periods.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, allowing for a smooth transition between locations and time periods.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different time periods and locations to explore the protagonist's emotional journey effectively.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a brief moment of Elvis getting a haircut, which is then followed by a sudden transition to Gladys collapsing at Graceland. This transition is jarring and confusing, as it is not clear how these two events are connected.
  • The scene then shifts to a ghostly Vegas casino where Old Colonel sees Gladys' casket and Elvis crying nearby. This scene is visually striking, but it is not immediately clear what is happening or why.
  • The scene then cuts back to Graceland in 1958, where the extended Presley clan gathers around Gladys' casket. This scene is well-acted and emotionally charged, but it is also very long and could be shortened without losing any of its impact.
  • The scene then shifts back to the ghostly Vegas casino, where Old Colonel reflects on Elvis' career and his own role in it. This scene is well-written and provides some interesting insights into the Colonel's character, but it could also be shortened without losing any of its impact.
  • The scene ends with Elvis and Priscilla talking in Elvis' bedroom. This scene is well-written and provides some interesting insights into Elvis' character and his relationship with Priscilla, but it could also be shortened without losing any of its impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the scene of Elvis getting a haircut, as it does not seem to be necessary for the story.
  • Consider shortening the scene of the extended Presley clan gathering around Gladys' casket, as it is very long and could be shortened without losing any of its impact.
  • Consider shortening the scene of Old Colonel reflecting on Elvis' career and his own role in it, as it could also be shortened without losing any of its impact.
  • Consider shortening the scene of Elvis and Priscilla talking in Elvis' bedroom, as it could also be shortened without losing any of its impact.



Scene 19 -  Elvis' Hollywood Dreams and Reality: A Reflective Journey
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY (1960)

Elvis appears behind a tangle of microphones.


(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED:

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
I understand you want to become a
dramatic actor, is that right?

ELVIS
Well, sir, that’s my big ambition.
It takes a lot of time, a lot of
experience, but I hope I make it.
That’s what I wanna do.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
He was as good as Brando. But you
didn’t want to see him in movies
where he didn’t sing!


HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MONTAGE - ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE (1960S)

We see a TRAILER-STYLE MONTAGE of 60s ELVIS FILMS as he’s
hidden away in a Hollywood bubble.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Thanks to me, his life became one
big Hollywood movie!


INT. ELVIS' VISTA-LINER BUS - DAY

Elvis and Priscilla, lying on a bed in an oddly-shaped
room, swathed entirely in red velvet.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Starring Priscilla!

As the intro to ‘Viva Las Vegas’ kicks, Elvis pulls a
curtain to reveal they are in fact on his decked-out
VISTALINER BUS as it speeds through the desert. Suddenly,
Priscilla has her iconic beehive and a glam 60s look!

ELVIS
(sings)
Bright light city gonna set my
soul, gonna set my soul on fire!

They sashay down the bus, as members of the Memphis Mafia
pop their heads out of every nook and cranny.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
And a cast of his buddies and
cousins, his ‘Memphis Mafia’!



(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED:

The bus hurtles through an abstract, neon Vegas as their
Hollywood romance plays out through clips from 60s Elvis
films and realist Super 8 footage.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

The gang all attend Elvis and Priscilla’s wedding.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
There was a fairytale wedding. And
a honeymoon, on Frank Sinatra’s
jet!


INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Now Priscilla cradles newborn baby LISA MARIE.

OLD COLONEL ICE (V.O.)
And introducing baby Lisa Marie!


INT. SOUNDSTAGE (REAR PROJECTION) - DAY

Elvis water-skis with THREE BIKINI-CLAD GIRLS in front of
a rear-projected body of water.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I made him the highest paid actor
in Hollywood history. We had a lot
of fun! But Elvis was a young man,
and of course, he got distracted.
So we made them faster and
cheaper. Is it my fault the world
changed?

BANG! The assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.
provides an abrupt gear shift into “Edge of Reality.”

We GO WIDE to reveal the back projection set surrounding
Elvis as he water skis. PRODUCTON CREW hurl buckets of
water across Elvis’ face.


INT. ELVIS' VISTA-LINER BUS - DAY

Elvis is learning his lines. Jerry, fielding a phone call
further down the bus. Suddenly, Elvis notices over
Jerry’s shoulder on the TV, Walter Cronkite with a news
bulletin: the shocking reality that MLK has been
assassinated in Memphis.




(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
I walk along a thin line darling
Dark shadows follow me...

Rising in disbelief, Elvis slowly makes his way towards
the television as Jerry turns up the volume. Both men are
completely numb.


INT. MGM SOUNDSTAGE - ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE

Elvis, clad in a blue pajama suit, films the “Edge of
Reality” number from Live a Little, Love a Little.

ELVIS
(sings)
Here's where life's dream lies
disillusioned,
The edge of reality...

We continue to INTERCUT between the back projection,
ridiculous films, and archival footage of Vietnam, the
Beatles, the Civil Rights movement, etc.

Headlines appear: “NEW ELVIS STINKER BOMBS!” “ANOTHER
FLOP!” “THERE’S NO MORE APPETITE FOR PRESLEY PICTURES!”


EXT. MGM BACKLOT - DAY

We come off the sign on the water tower that reads, “MGM
Studios.” We pick up a golf cart traveling through the
MGM backlot Western set.

It quickly veers towards Elvis’ Vista-Liner surrounded by
an assortment of cars, a mirror image of the 1950s carny
camp. As the golf cart pulls to a halt, the Memphis Mafia
can be seen having a water fight.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
It don’t matter how hard I worked,
how many snow jobs I came up with,
how much snow I made them. My boy
loved to spend and with them
hillbillies around him, the money
would just melt away...

Billy, alighting from the golf cart, is carrying Elvis’
blue pajama costume. He passes Vernon and Priscilla,
talking quietly:

VERNON
With the sale of Circle G, horses,
vehicles...
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED:
VERNON (CONT'D)
that will cover the payroll. But
that new security at Graceland is
gonna have to wait.

As Billy enters the Vista-Liner...
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens in a 1960 press conference where Elvis expresses his ambition to become a dramatic actor. A montage of his 60s films follows, accompanied by his manager's commentary celebrating Elvis' success in Hollywood. The scene also features personal moments, such as Elvis and Priscilla's wedding and the birth of their daughter. The joyous atmosphere is disrupted when Elvis learns about the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., creating a somber and reflective tone. The main conflict lies in Elvis' desire for a serious acting career and his manager's focus on profitable films, while the tone is nostalgic and contemplative, with moments of happiness and sadness.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Nostalgic tone
  • Character complexity
Weaknesses
  • Slightly slow pacing in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the highs and lows of Elvis' Hollywood career, evoking a sense of nostalgia and regret through its portrayal of his personal and professional life.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Elvis' Hollywood career and personal life in a reflective manner is well-executed, providing insight into the challenges and distractions he faced.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Elvis' Hollywood journey, from his ambition to become a dramatic actor to his distractions and the impact of historical events like MLK's assassination, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the life of a famous figure, blending reality with fantasy and exploring the human side of celebrity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elvis and the Colonel, are portrayed with depth and complexity, showcasing their personal struggles and relationships within the Hollywood bubble.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis undergoes emotional changes and reflections on his Hollywood journey, showcasing his growth, struggles, and regrets within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the challenges of fame, success, and personal fulfillment while staying true to himself and his ambitions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his career and image in the face of changing times and public perception.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly stems from Elvis' internal struggles, distractions, and the changing landscape of Hollywood, creating tension and emotional depth in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds conflict and complexity to the protagonist's journey, creating obstacles that challenge his goals and beliefs.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high, especially in terms of Elvis' personal and professional growth, relationships, and the impact of historical events on his life.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by exploring key moments in Elvis' Hollywood career and personal life, providing insight into his journey and challenges.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to its unexpected shifts in tone, narrative twists, and character revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the price of fame, the sacrifices made for success, and the impact of external pressures on personal identity and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through its nostalgic and regretful tone, highlighting the personal and professional challenges faced by Elvis.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts faced by the characters, adding depth to their interactions and inner struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic tension, and visual spectacle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and builds tension effectively, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, using visual cues and transitions effectively.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the storytelling and adds depth to the character development.


Critique
  • The scene gives insufficient background information for readers who may not be familiar with Elvis Presley's life and career.
  • The montage of Elvis' films and personal life feels disjointed and lacks a clear narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is mostly exposition-heavy and doesn't do much to advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The scene's pacing is off, with too much time spent on unnecessary details and not enough on the emotional impact of Elvis' career and personal struggles.
  • The use of archival footage and voiceover narration feels like an easy way to convey information instead of allowing the story to unfold through the characters and their actions.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a brief introduction to Elvis Presley, his background, and his rise to fame.
  • Organize the montage of Elvis' films and personal life chronologically and use it to highlight significant events and turning points in his career.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and engaging, and focus on revealing the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.
  • Tighten the scene's pacing by cutting out unnecessary details and focusing on the most important moments.
  • Consider using flashbacks or other storytelling techniques to allow the story to unfold more dynamically.



Scene 20 -  Elvis's Discontent: A Christmas Special Instead of Serious Acting
INT. ELVIS’ VISTA-LINER BUS - DAY

He can see Walter Cronkite on the television behind the
driver’s seat.

WALTER CRONKITE (V.O.)
(on TV)
Dr. Martin Luther King, the
apostle of nonviolence in the
civil rights movement, has been
shot to death in Memphis,
Tennessee...

BILLY
They need you on set, EP.

Billy looks around and can see Elvis, collapsed on the
banquette, devastated. Jerry sits next to him.

ELVIS
(in disbelief)
Dr. King. He always spoke the
truth.

“Edge of Reality” reaches its finish, and we hear...

COLONEL (O.S.)
(singing)
Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus lane...


EXT. MGM STUDIOS - DAY

TRACK ACROSS a table with models of a European village,
Santa’s sleigh, dancing girls. A festive-sweatered Elvis
figurine receives a little nudge from Colonel’s cane.

COLONEL
‘Elvis Presley’s Wonderful World
of Christmas!’ A television
special like the world ain’t never
seen before... Three days to tape,
no audience, no music to learn and
every one of them Christmas carols
is a solid-gold hit!


(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:

Vernon and the Memphis Mafia admire Singer sewing
machines, vacuum cleaners, and more. Priscilla stands at
a distance, watching a Singer portable television as it
plays news of riots back in Memphis.

Elvis holds baby Lisa Marie, looking upon all the
standees with his image, holding Singer products.

COLONEL
And for this, the sponsors at
Singer Sewing Machines will give
us... unprecedented what, Diskin?

Diskin dutifully makes a show of checking his notes.

DISKIN
Unprecedented profit
participation. Provided you appear
in at least one knitted Christmas
sweater.

COLONEL
Made on one of these here home-
kitting apparatuses! No more knit
one, purl two!

Elvis joins Priscilla, handing her Lisa Marie. They
glance at what’s playing out on the television.

PRISCILLA
Memphis is burning...

Vernon looks to Elvis for his approval.

VERNON
‘Elvis Presley’s Wonderful World
of Christmas.’ I like it very
much!

COLONEL
It’s gonna be a lot of fun. I hope
Presley Enterprises are dreaming
of a white Christmas because it’s
definitely gonna snow!

ELVIS
A Christmas special? Is this
really the best you can do,
Admiral?

PRISCILLA
We came to Hollywood, Colonel, so
Elvis could be a serious actor.



(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED: (2)

COLONEL
My dear, for the last 5 years,
your husband has been the highest
paid actor in Hollywood!

ELVIS
And now I’m unemployable.

COLONEL
We took these Hollywood phonies
for every nickel they had. It’s
time to pack our tent and move on
to greener pastures. We’ve had
Elvis the rebel. Elvis the movie
star. Now we’re going to see
Elvis, the family entertainer.

Jerry pipes up.

JERRY
And appliance salesman?

Big laughs. Elvis looks to Jerry with a face like
thunder.

ELVIS
You think that’s funny? I don’t
need you to question me about what
I gotta do to support my family
and every person here. Is that
goddamn clear?

Elvis slams into the Vista-Liner.

COLONEL
(to Priscilla)
I’m sorry, my dear.
(to Jerry)
Well, Mr. Schilling, Elvis’
audience is no longer screaming
teenage girls. They are grown-ups;
they are wives and mothers and
they watch television and they buy
sewing machines.
(remembering)
Ah, the radio promotions... Would
you take that in to Mr. Presley
and play it for him to get his
approval?

JERRY
Colonel, I don’t work for you.
(indicating the bus)
I’m just a friend of that guy in
there.

(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED: (3)

Colonel, a murderous look. He turns to Vernon.

COLONEL
Well, Vernon, shall we begin to
draw up the contracts?

VERNON
Let’s do it.
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama"]

Summary Elvis, while on his bus watching the news of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination, is informed that he is needed on set for a Christmas TV special, 'Elvis Presley's Wonderful World of Christmas'. This special is sponsored by Singer sewing machines with profit participation. The Colonel and Vernon are excited about the idea, but Elvis is not, as he wants to focus on being a serious actor. Priscilla is upset seeing the riots in Memphis on a portable TV. Jerry questions the Colonel's plan, which leads to a confrontation with Elvis, ending with Elvis slamming into the Vista-Liner.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic exploration
  • Blend of drama and humor
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in transitioning between emotional beats

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, character development, and thematic exploration, with a mix of drama and humor that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis navigating his career transition, family relationships, and societal unrest is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through Elvis' internal conflict, interactions with family and associates, and the external events surrounding him, creating a rich tapestry of storytelling.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to exploring the tension between artistic integrity and commercial success in the entertainment industry. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elvis, Colonel, Priscilla, and Vernon, are well-developed and their interactions drive the narrative forward with depth and authenticity.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes emotional turmoil, from devastation to determination, showcasing a significant character arc within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reconcile his desire for serious acting roles with the commercial demands placed on him by his manager and the industry. This reflects his deeper need for artistic fulfillment and recognition beyond his image as a pop icon.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the transition from a rebellious image to a family entertainer and appliance salesman for profit. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal integrity with commercial success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are internal conflicts within Elvis, conflicts with family members, and the external conflict of societal unrest, adding layers of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and desires among the characters, creating tension and uncertainty about the outcome. The audience is left wondering how Elvis will navigate his personal and professional challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Elvis as he grapples with his career direction, family expectations, and societal unrest, adding tension and significance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by exploring Elvis' career decisions, family dynamics, and societal context, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Elvis' character arc, from personal tragedy to commercial success, and the conflicting motivations of the characters. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between artistic integrity and commercialization, as Elvis struggles to maintain his identity as a serious actor while being pressured to conform to market demands. This challenges his beliefs about authenticity and success in the entertainment industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions from sadness and disbelief to hope and amusement, creating a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions, conflicts, and humor, enhancing character dynamics and thematic exploration.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines personal drama, historical events, and commercial satire to create a compelling narrative. The conflicts and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension, reflection, and humor. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual elements are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing conflicts, and developing character dynamics. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is packed with information, but it lacks focus and a clear narrative arc. The many ideas and discussions mentioned are not connected together well, and as a result, the scene feels disjointed and hard to follow.
  • The dialogue often feels stilted and unnatural, as if the characters are delivering lines simply to move the plot forward rather than actually engaging in a conversation.
  • The characters' motivations are not always clear. For example, why does Elvis suddenly decide to confront the Colonel about his plans for his career? What are his goals in this conversation?
  • The scene would benefit from a stronger sense of conflict. The characters seem to agree with each other too easily, and there is little tension or drama as a result.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Elvis simply storming off. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and wondering what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Consider breaking the scene into two or more smaller scenes, each with its own focus and conflict. This will help to make the scene more manageable and easier to follow.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Focus on creating realistic and believable conversations between the characters.
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and goals. Make sure that their actions are driven by clear and understandable desires.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. This could be done through disagreements between the characters, external obstacles, or even internal struggles.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could involve resolving the conflict, setting up a new conflict, or simply leaving the reader with a sense of closure.



Scene 21 -  Elvis's Career Frustrations and Jerry's Departure
INT. ELVIS’ VISTA-LINER BUS - DAY

Elvis, fuming, storms in and rips off his collar. The
aftermath of the Dr. King assassination plays on the TV.

BILLY
Hey EP, do you wanna run lines?

ELVIS
Mhmm.

BILLY
Okay. So uh... Greg walks up to
the receptionist dressed in a
lingerie cat costume. ‘Aren’t you
cold?’

ELVIS
Huh? No I’m fine.

BILLY
No, that’s the line.


ELVIS
Oh.
(with a smarmy wink)
‘Aren’t you cold?’

A KNOCK.

BILLY
(seductively)
‘Only from nine to five.’

Billy returns to his bunk as Jerry enters.

JERRY
I’m sorry.

Elvis refuses to acknowledge him.

JERRY
(treads cautiously)
I’ve been offered a job here in
L.A. I’m gonna take it.
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED:

Elvis is suddenly at a loss.

ELVIS
Hey, man... I wasn’t angry at you.
Let me make it up to you. There’s
a new Shelby Cobra coming out.
I’ll buy you some new wheels.

JERRY
It’s got nothing to do with money.

Elvis lets this sink in; no one talks to him like this.

ELVIS
Man, I need you here as a friend.

Jerry stops, the anger has abated. He nods his head to
the TV, where James Brown and the Rolling Stones perform.

JERRY
These TV guys. They’re the ones
that put James Brown and the
Rolling Stones on the T.A.M.I
Show. They’re really plugged in, I
met them.

Elvis nods.

JERRY
I could set up a meeting.

Elvis is interested, but he masks it flippantly.

ELVIS
To see what they can do with ‘Here
Comes Santa Clause?’

JERRY
(playing along)
Peace, love, and Christmas
cookies. Could be crazy...

Suddenly, Charlie’s voice:

CHARLIE (O.S.)
Colonel’s already got the guy who
does all the Singer specials.

Elvis and Jerry turn to see Charlie in the doorway. He is
delivering the tape recorder with the promotion tape
already loaded, setting it down on the bed. We don’t know
how long Charlie’s been listening.




(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED: (2)

CHARLIE
He did Bing Crosby, I loved that.
Colonel wants you to listen to
this and approve it. Then they
want you back on set in five.

Charlie leaves as Billy enters to start dressing Elvis.

JERRY
I'm just saying, you should work
with new people...

Jerry’s words hang in the air, clearly about more than
just the TV special. Before he leaves, Jerry turns back
to Elvis.

JERRY
Its like you always say, EP.
Colonel’s got a lot of ideas.


EXT. ELVIS’ VISTA-LINER BUS - NIGHT

It’s late. Priscilla sits in the limo, amidst a convoy of
cars idling outside the Vista-Liner. Billy packs away an
Elvis standee in the boot of a car.

BILLY
That’s the last of it.

Charlie approaches Priscilla’s window, leaning in.

CHARLIE
He’s just laying in there,
watching the Reverend’s funeral...

PRISCILLA
I’ll go check on him. Thank you.

Priscilla exits and approaches the bus.


INT. ELVIS’ VISTA-LINER BUS - NIGHT

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
What a beautiful rendition of
“Here Comes Santa Claus” that was!
With all the sparkle and magic
that the season brings!

On the back television, sound muted: somber images of
Reverend Martin Luther King Jr’s memorial.




(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And you’ll be even warmer this
season in a 12-gauge, cable-knit
woolen sweater, made right at home
on the Singer Sewing’s SK155 Home
Knitter! And now...

Discover Elvis, sprawled on the red velvet bed. The tape
recorder next to him. His blank stare illuminated in the
dark by the blue light of the television.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
... heeeeere’s Elvis!

CLICK. The tape recorder stops.

Elvis stares blankly at the television. His breathing
heavy. Tears begin to form in his eyes. Suddenly, the
sound of the door opening.

PRISCILLA
(quietly)
Satnin’. Can I watch the memorial
with you?

ELVIS
Please.

Priscilla slides into the bed beside him.

ELVIS
I’m so tired of playing Elvis
Presley.

PRISCILLA
You don’t have to. We could run
away to France or Italy and live
off the land. Eat baguettes,
snails, and cheese. Little Lisa
could learn French.

Elvis breathes deep, fighting for control.

ELVIS
I wish we could. Too many people
rely on me.

PRISCILLA
I love you. Your daughter loves
you. We don't care about the money
or anything else. We just want you
to be happy. You’re only really
happy when you sing the music you
love.


(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED: (2)

ON THE SCREEN: MAHALIA JACKSON steps up to the microphone
and begins to sing “Take My Hand, Precious Lord.”

ELVIS
(distant; broken)
That’s Mahalia Jackson... I used
to hear her sing at East Trigg
Church. That’s the music that
makes me happy.

Elvis eases the sound of the television up on the remote.
With this, a MATCH SHOT as...


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Mahalia and CHOIR now appear. In front of them at the
pulpit, the fiery REVEREND BREWSTER:

REVEREND BREWSTER
Many have lost their lives for
this cause, so remember, when
things are too dangerous to say...
sing!

The choir lifts Mahalia's voice higher.

MAHALIA
(sings)
Joshua fought the battle of
Jericho, Jericho, Jericho

MAHALIA AND CHOIR
(sing)
Joshua fought the battle of
Jericho, and the walls came
tumbling down!

A sudden blast of HEAVY ROCK MUSIC.


EXT. LOS ANGELES - AERIAL SHOT - LATE AFTERNOON (1968)

The rock continues as a convoy of 2 BLACK CARS and a BLUE
LIMO cuts through the Hollywood Hills.


INT. LIMO - LATE AFTERNOON

MUSIC LOUD as inside one of the cars, two groovy hepcats,
STEVE BINDER (35) and BONES HOWE (35), sit facing
backwards. They stare intensely, barely breathing.

Seated opposite, Sonny and Red West stare blankly back.
99.


EXT. LOS ANGELES - AERIAL SHOT - LATE AFTERNOON

Music builds as the convoy threads the road that traces
up to and above the derelict Hollywood sign.


EXT. LOOKOUT ABOVE THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN - LATE AFTERNOON

The convoy squeals to a dusty halt near Jerry, who has
been waiting for them. Memphis Mafia jump out and open
the door of the limo. Binder and Bones get out.

JERRY
Mr. Binder, Mr. Howe, thanks for
coming... One thing, gentlemen:
don’t call it a Christmas Special.

Binder and Bones nervously glance at one another; the
whole thing feels like some kind of elaborate Mafia hit.
The Wests stay back as Jerry leads Binder and Bones down
a dusty dirt track.


EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIGN - CONTINUOUS ACTION

As they round a bend, DISCOVER Elvis, haloed by the
setting sun, sitting on part of the dilapidated sign and
gazing across the valley toward Griffith Observatory.

Jerry hangs back, but motions that Binder and Bones
should approach. They do so...

Elvis continues to stare as he senses their presence.

ELVIS
When I first came to Hollywood,
I’d come up here and sit for
hours. Right over there is where
they shot Rebel. I dreamt of
being a great actor like Jimmy
Dean. This sign was beautiful
then, and now... It feels as
though lots of things are like
that these days; broke down, beat-
up, rotten.
(turning to them)
I really liked what you guys did
putting James Brown together with
the Rolling Stones.

BINDER
(extremely nervous)
We’re big fans of yours, too.
It’s, just, uh, Mr. Presley...


(CONTINUED)
100.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
Elvis.

BINDER
Elvis. Christmas specials aren’t
our thing, man.

Elvis looks at them sharply-- then, that charming smile.

ELVIS
I know. But tell me honestly,
where do you boys think my
career’s at right now?

BONES
(slow; nervous)
Ah, well, it’s...

BINDER
(direct)
In the toilet, Elvis.

Elvis, half a beat of shock. And then he laughs, really
laughs, like he hasn’t in years.

ELVIS
(to Jerry)
You hear that Jerry?
(to Binder and Bones)
I knew you were the right guys for
this job!

He jumps down from the sign.

ELVIS
When I was starting out, some
people wanted to put me in jail,
hell, even kill me, ‘cause of the
way I moved. They cut my hair,
put me in uniform, and sent me
away. It killed my mama... And
ever since, I been lost. When
you’re lost...
(a cautious thought)
People take advantage. I thought
you fellas might help me get back
to who I really am.

Binder and Bones are affected by Elvis’ honesty.

BINDER
(probing)
Who are you, Elvis?



(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED: (2)

ELVIS
I sure as hell ain’t somebody who
sings Christmas songs by a
fireplace for an hour.

BINDER
(cautiously)
What does the Colonel think?

Suddenly, Elvis flares up.

ELVIS
I don’t give a damn what the
Colonel thinks.

BONES
I see... Well, if you want to find
yourself, first thing you do is to
go home.

Binder picks up the cue.

BINDER
Metaphorically speaking. You know,
get back to who you really are,
musically.

Elvis is not sure, Bones chimes in:

BONES
Yeah, we could get your old band
back together...

BINDER
Play the tracks that made people
call you the devil and trash your
records in the street.

BONES
A leather jacket; raw and dirty!

BINDER
But first, you need an audience.

Elvis smashed by nerves, barely able to say the word:

ELVIS
Audience?
(tries to laugh it
off)
No, man... I haven’t played in
front of an audience in ten years.

BINDER
That’s my point.

(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED: (3)

Elvis looks out over the L.A. grid as lights turn on and
sparkle.

ELVIS
You think we could do some Gospel?

Binder and Bones look at each other, blindsided, as the
decrepit Hollywood sign transforms into...
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic"]

Summary Elvis returns to his bus after an argument with Charlie about the Colonel's plans for his career. Jerry informs him that he's been offered a job in LA and is leaving. Elvis, at a loss, tries to make amends by offering to buy Jerry a new car. Meanwhile, Charlie enters with a tape recorder to play a promotion tape for a Singer special, which Elvis approves. Priscilla joins Elvis to watch the Reverend's funeral, offering him a moment of comfort and a chance to escape his fame. The scene is emotional and tense, with conflicts around Elvis's career and Jerry's departure that are not fully resolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Conflict
  • Setting up potential transformation
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, delving into Elvis' inner struggles and desires. It sets up a potential turning point in his career and personal life, creating anticipation for what's to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis wanting to rediscover his true self through music and potentially make a change in his career direction is compelling and sets up an interesting narrative arc.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Elvis' emotional journey and the conflict with his manager, setting the stage for potential character development and change.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the legendary figure of Elvis Presley, delving into his personal struggles and artistic aspirations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elvis is portrayed as vulnerable, reflective, and conflicted, adding depth to his character. The conflict with his manager adds tension and complexity.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis shows signs of potential change and growth, hinting at a transformation in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal in this scene is to find his true identity and purpose beyond his public persona as Elvis Presley. He expresses a desire to reconnect with his passion for music and break free from the constraints of his image.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to navigate his career and artistic direction amidst pressure from his manager and industry expectations. He grapples with the idea of reinventing himself and finding authenticity in his music.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a significant conflict between Elvis and his manager, as well as internal conflict within Elvis himself.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and tensions between characters driving the narrative forward. Elvis faces internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Elvis as he grapples with his identity, career, and relationships, facing the potential for significant change.

Story Forward: 8

The scene sets up important developments in Elvis' career and personal life, moving the story forward towards potential change.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as Elvis grapples with his identity and future direction. The unexpected revelations and character interactions keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between commercial success and artistic integrity. Elvis struggles to balance his desire for creative freedom with the demands of his career and the expectations of his audience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Elvis' vulnerability and desire for change, as well as the conflict he faces.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Elvis' emotional state and inner turmoil, as well as the conflict between characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic complexity. The audience is drawn into Elvis' internal struggles and external challenges, creating a sense of empathy and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and introspection. The rhythm of the interactions and emotional beats enhances the scene's effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-structured and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. Elvis's dissatisfaction with the Christmas special is mentioned, but it is not developed into a driving force for the scene.
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive and does not advance the plot. Characters repeat the same points multiple times without adding new information or insights.
  • The scene does not provide much context for the characters' motivations or relationships. We don't know why Elvis is so unhappy with the Christmas special, or why he is so hesitant to perform in front of an audience again.
  • The scene has too many characters and storylines, which makes it difficult to follow and focus on the main narrative.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering. There are long stretches of dialogue that do not contribute to the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene. This could be Elvis's struggle with his identity, his desire to break free from the Colonel's control, or his fear of performing in front of an audience again.
  • Develop the dialogue to be more dynamic and engaging. Characters should have distinct voices and motivations, and the dialogue should advance the plot and reveal character.
  • Provide more context for the characters' motivations and relationships. Explain why Elvis is so unhappy with the Christmas special, and why he is so hesitant to perform in front of an audience again.
  • Reduce the number of characters and storylines in the scene. Focus on the main characters and their relationships, and cut out any unnecessary subplots.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action, and keep the focus on the main conflict or goal.



Scene 22 -  Elvis Overcomes Fear and Takes the Stage
EXT. NBC STUDIOS - DAY

A sign: "NBC COLOR CITY."


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - DAY

Elvis stands on the stage steps with Priscilla and Jerry,
looking out at the studio and its empty bleachers.

JERRY
The Blossoms are set to tape the
Gospel sequence tomorrow, but
first it’s you in the round, the
acoustic set with Scotty and DJ,
everything with the audience.
Colonel won’t give us any static
so long as we do the two Christmas
numbers in the...

PRISCILLA
... understated sweaters?

Jerry looks up. Elvis seems disturbed.

JERRY
He’s got to keep the Singer execs
happy.

PRISCILLA
What’s the matter, honey?

ELVIS
Audience... I didn’t exactly agree
to that. I think I’d be better
without an audience.

Jerry looks to Priscilla, tense.

JERRY
They’re already here.

ELVIS
Send them home.


(CONTINUED)
103.
CONTINUED:

PRISCILLA
We can do that.

JERRY
We could send them home.

ELVIS
I like that.

Priscilla moves closer to Elvis.

PRISCILLA
Honey, Binder’s whole idea was
that the world sees you how I see
you at home. Making jokes with
your friends, laughing, having
fun, playing the music you love.

ELVIS
My hands are sweaty.

PRISCILLA
Look at me. I know you’re scared.
It’s scary, but the man I love has
never done anything extraordinary
without fear.

ELVIS
Yeah, you know, I just... I don’t
know if I can be that without a
script.

Elvis walks to center stage, looking around.

ELVIS
What if nothing comes?

As he turns, we PUSH IN, the roar of the crowd audible...


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - LATER

Bones stands in Elvis’ place, warming up the LIVE
AUDIENCE who fills the bleachers. Applause sign flashing.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - DAY

Stoic-looking SINGER SEWING EXECUTIVES follow behind
Colonel as he speaks, Diskin dutifully behind him. A
Christmas Sweater is wheeled past by an assistant.

COLONEL
Mr. Presley is interested in a few
of Mr. Bindle’s ideas but... Ahh,
the Christmas sweater!
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
104.
CONTINUED:
COLONEL (CONT'D)
(to the assistant)
Into Mr. Presley’s dressing room.
(to the Singer Execs)
We will be singing at least three
spectacular Christmas songs in
that very sweater. To the control
room.

Colonel ushers the group to the stairs.

COLONEL
It was knitted on the SK551—

DISKIN
(whispers)
The SK155.

COLONEL
Oh the SK155. Thank you, Mr
Diskin.

The group continues up the stairs...


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

... and arrives in the control room where Binder and AN
ASSISTANT sit behind the desk.

COLONEL
There will be ‘Silence is the
Night,’ ‘Here Comes Santa Claus.’
And Diskin what’s the one about
the boy?

DISKIN
The Little Drummer Boy.

COLONEL
Yes, the Little Drummer Boy.

SENIOR SINGER EXEC
Ahh... yes.

The Singer executive mimes drumming.

COLONEL
We’re going to be starting with
‘Here Comes Santa Claus.’ Isn’t
that right, Bindle?

BINDER
Absolutely, the Christmas numbers
will come later in the show.
105.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - DAY

FAST TRACK WITH and UP Elvis' black-leather-clad legs,
FOLLOWING him as he charges through the corridor.

BONES (V.O.)
And now, ladies and gentlemen...


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE/CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

As we ENTER the studio, Priscilla touches Elvis' hand
discreetly. The FLOOR MANAGER guides her to her place.

BONES
... here’s Elvis Presley!

Elvis takes the stage like a boxer entering the ring, met
with polite applause. These aren't the adoring fans he
once knew. He nervously clears his throat.

ELVIS
Well, I gotta do this sooner or
later, so it might as well do it
now, baby...

He cues the band-- a mistimed opening stab and Elvis
misses the cue. A ripple of confusion through the
audience.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Bones enters the control room and shares a worried look
with Binder. The Colonel can see Elvis’ face on all the
monitors, sweating, insecure. He hisses to Binder:

COLONEL
This is precisely why he shouldn’t
be in front of a live audience.

BINDER
(over intercom)
Sorry, E.P., technical problem...

COLONEL
Get them out now, and let’s get on
with the Christmas number!

The hard-faced SINGER EXECUTIVES are confused. Binder
looks to Bones, and then to the monitors.

BINDER
(a second intercom)
Standby for ‘Here Comes Santa
Clause.’
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:

Colonel pretends to be in control. Diskin nods along.

COLONEL
(to Singer Execs)
Technical difficulties... Please
standby.
Genres: ["Drama","Musical"]

Summary The scene takes place at NBC Studios during the day, where Elvis expresses his fear of performing in front of a live audience. Priscilla encourages him, and he eventually takes the stage. Meanwhile, Colonel Parker and the Singer executives discuss the planned Christmas numbers in the control room. The scene ends with Elvis beginning his performance, resolving his fear and the clash with the Singer executives' plans.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of internal conflict
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in the control room scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the internal conflict and external pressures faced by Elvis, creating tension and anticipation for the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis navigating the demands of a live show while balancing his own artistic integrity and the expectations of others is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Elvis' struggle to perform in front of a live audience and the conflicting interests of the Colonel and Singer executives, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the pressure of performance and the conflict between authenticity and commercial success. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elvis, Priscilla, Jerry, and the Colonel, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis experiences a shift in his confidence and determination as he confronts his fears and makes a decision to send the audience home, showing growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to overcome his fear of performing in front of a live audience without a script. He desires to be authentic and connect with the audience on a personal level.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to successfully perform his set and please the Singer Sewing Executives by following their Christmas song requirements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis' desire for authenticity and the pressure to conform to the expectations of the Colonel and Singer executives creates a compelling tension throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elvis facing internal fears and external pressures that create conflict and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Elvis must navigate the expectations of the live audience, the Colonel, and Singer executives while maintaining his artistic integrity and authenticity.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Elvis' internal conflict and the external pressures he faces, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the uncertainty of Elvis's performance and the tension between his desires and external pressures.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Elvis's desire for authenticity and connection with the audience versus the pressure to meet commercial expectations and please the executives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, concern, and disappointment, especially in relation to Elvis' internal struggle and the external pressures he faces.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, particularly Elvis and Priscilla, as they navigate the challenges of the live show.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, internal conflict, and anticipation leading up to Elvis's performance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense leading up to Elvis's performance, enhancing the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a performance scene, building tension and conflict leading up to the climax of Elvis's performance.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly without any clear context or connection to the previous scene. It would help to provide a brief transition or establish the setting and time.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural, making it difficult to connect with the characters or the situation. Consider using more colloquial language and contractions to make the conversation flow more smoothly.
  • The conflict between Elvis's desire to perform without an audience and the pressure from the Colonel and Jerry is not fully developed. It would help to explore Elvis's fears and motivations more deeply and give him a stronger voice in the decision-making process.
  • The scene lacks visual interest and dynamic camera movements. Consider using different camera angles, close-ups, and pans to create a more engaging and visually appealing experience for the audience.
  • The ending of the scene is somewhat anticlimactic and leaves the audience hanging. Consider building up to a stronger moment of tension or resolution before cutting away.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief transition or establish the setting and time at the beginning of the scene to provide context.
  • Revise the dialogue to use more colloquial language and contractions to make the conversation flow more smoothly.
  • Develop the conflict between Elvis's desire to perform without an audience and the pressure from the Colonel and Jerry more fully by exploring Elvis's fears and motivations.
  • Incorporate more visual interest and dynamic camera movements to create a more engaging and visually appealing scene.
  • Consider building up to a stronger moment of tension or resolution before cutting away at the end of the scene.



Scene 23 -  Elvis' Unexpected Performance and the Colonel's Fury
INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The DANCE CAPTAIN leads a posse of DANCING SANTAS,
stretching and preparing to go on.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis looks to Priscilla in the shadows, sensing a do-or-
die moment. He cracks a joke with a wry smile:

ELVIS
How do you like it so far?

The audience laughs, a sudden connection.

We PUSH IN ON the monitor of one of the TV cameras as
Elvis throws back his head, cues the band, and... music
and voice come together in a tremendous, rocking entry:

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, since my baby left me...
I found a new place to dwell
It's down at the end of lonely
street
At Heartbreak Hotel...

He connects with the audience as only Elvis can. Elvis
Presley is reborn.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Binder and Bones look on with pride. Colonel's face
falls. The Singer Executives seem uncertain.

JUNIOR SINGER EXEC
Well, that was... energetic.

SENIOR SINGER EXEC
Is ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’ next?

COLONEL
Absolutely! I see no reason why
not.

He thunders out of the room, Diskin in tow.
107.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

ELVIS
(sings)
You ain't nothing but a hound dog,
cryin' all the time.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Colonel hurtles down the stairs, huffing and puffing.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis launches into “Jailhouse Rock.”

ELVIS
(sings)
Warden threw a party in the county
jail,
The prison band was there and they
began to wail...

The crowd erupts into applause. Priscilla can't believe
her eyes.

ELVIS
Thank you! It's been a long time,
baby! My boy, my boy!


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Colonel bounds down the stairs with Diskin.

COLONEL
I do not know what is going on.
Sweating in black leather, singing
‘Hound Dog,’ what does that have
to do with Christmas?

They reach the corridor and suddenly, Scotty Moore and
D.J. Fontana cross Colonel's path. He turns to Diskin:

COLONEL
The Blue Moon Boys?! What are they
doing here?!

Colonel follows them towards the stage.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - LATER

The musicians are now gathered on the stage to do the sit-
down section.
(CONTINUED)
108.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
My boy, my boy!

CHARLIE
My boy, my boy.

ELVIS
OK... Well goodnight...

Elvis jokingly pretends to leave.

ELVIS
Uh, are we on television? Are we
on television?

CHARLIE
No, we’re on a train to Tulsa.

ELVUS
Let’s see, what do I do now folks?

SCOTTY
Why don’t you play that ‘Trying To
Get To You’ one time?

ELVIS
Twelve years he played guitar for
me man, didn’t say anything. Now
let me swap that axe with you,
champ.

With this, they exchange guitars and settle in. Elvis
launches into “Trying to Get to You,” raw and intense,
while staring at Priscilla.

ELVIS
(sings)
Ever since I read your letter,
Where you said you loved me true,
I’ve been traveling night and day
I’ve kept running all the way
Baby, trying to get to you.

Everyone in the control room watches on with delight.
Colonel watches from the shadows, the realization dawning
that they’ve all been conspiring against him. He leaves
in a fury.
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, the Dance Captain leads a group of Dancing Santas in a corridor, while at NBC Studios, Elvis performs on stage, singing hits like 'Hound Dog' and 'Jailhouse Rock'. The Colonel, who had planned for a Christmas-themed performance, is upset and leaves in a fury when he sees Scotty Moore and D.J. Fontana, the Blue Moon Boys, on stage. Elvis performs 'Trying to Get to You' while staring at Priscilla, and the Colonel watches from the shadows, realizing he's been conspired against. The main conflict in this scene is between the Colonel and Elvis, and it remains unresolved as the Colonel leaves. The emotional tone of this scene is one of excitement from Elvis' performance and tension from the Colonel's reaction.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Musical performance
Weaknesses
  • Colonel Parker's manipulation
  • Singer executives' interference

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and pivotal in Elvis's journey. It effectively captures the essence of his music and struggles in the entertainment industry.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Elvis reclaiming his musical identity and defying expectations is well-executed, setting up a compelling narrative arc.

Plot: 8

The plot is dynamic, with conflicts arising between Elvis, Colonel Parker, and the Singer executives, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of Elvis Presley's iconic performance and the conflicts surrounding it. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, Colonel Parker, and Priscilla, are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant transformation, reclaiming his musical identity and asserting his artistic vision.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to prove himself as a performer and connect with the audience. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to successfully perform his songs and entertain the audience. This reflects the immediate challenge of impressing the Singer Executives and the audience.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, driving the scene's intensity and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between Elvis and Colonel, as well as internal struggles for validation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Elvis risks his career and reputation to stay true to himself and his music.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing Elvis's pivotal performance and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Elvis's performance and the reactions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Colonel's traditional views on Elvis's performance and the more modern approach taken by Elvis and his band. This challenges Elvis's beliefs about his own talent and the direction of his career.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, from pride and hope to disappointment and betrayal, making it emotionally resonant.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the tensions and aspirations of the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional performances, and conflicts between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement as Elvis performs his songs.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and characters. It builds tension effectively.


Critique
  • The transition between the previous scene and this one is a bit abrupt. It would help the reader to understand the flow of events if there was a brief description of what happens in between, such as Elvis and the others discussing the changes to the show.
  • The scene starts with a lot of action, with the Dance Captain leading the Dancing Santas and Elvis performing on stage. It would help to slow down the pace a bit and give the reader a chance to take in the scene if there was a brief description of the setting and the characters' positions before the action starts.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural in places. For example, Elvis' line, "How do you like it so far?" feels a bit forced and out of character.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear focus. It starts with Elvis performing on stage, then cuts to the Colonel and Singer Executives in the control room, then back to Elvis on stage. It would help to give the scene a stronger sense of direction if it focused on a single event or conflict.
  • The scene ends with Colonel leaving in a fury. It would be more satisfying if there was a more dramatic or climactic event to end the scene on.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief description of what happens between the previous scene and this one to help the reader understand the flow of events.
  • Slow down the pace of the scene by adding a brief description of the setting and the characters' positions before the action starts.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and in character.
  • Give the scene a stronger sense of direction by focusing on a single event or conflict.
  • Add a more dramatic or climactic event to end the scene on.



Scene 24 -  Elvis Defies Colonel's Control in TV Special
INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Diskin is offering refreshments as Colonel thunders in,
out of breath, barking at Binder:



(CONTINUED)
109.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
I think it is time for ‘Here Comes
Santa Claus.’ Is that understood,
Mr. Bindle?

BINDER
Absolutely...

BONES
Right after ‘Elvis Talks.’

COLONEL
Talks? No, no, no. What does Elvis
talk about?

BINDER
About himself.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - DAY

ELVIS
Alright, give me that piece of
paper, man. I’m gonna see what I’m
supposed to do next here.

Charlie hands Elvis the cue sheet.

ELVIS
It says here, ‘Elvis will talk
about first record...’

CHARLIE
Little late.

ELVIS
It says here, ‘Elvis will talk
about shooting from the waist down
and not being able to touch hands
with body-- body with hands.’
(laughs)
I just got this show off the air,
boy, I tell you.

The boys laugh at the ludicrous suggestion. Elvis looks
around and tosses the cue sheet aside. The audience
laughs. After a moment, Elvis speaks from the heart:

ELVIS
Anyway... I’d like to talk a
little about music... Very little.
There’s been a big change in the
music field in the last ten or
twelve years. And uh, I like a lot
of the new groups, the Beatles and
the Beards, and the whoever...
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
110.
CONTINUED:
ELVIS (CONT'D)
But a lot of it is basically, our
music is basically... rock ’n’
roll music is basically, uh...
Gospel or rhythm and blues.
People have been adding to it,
adding instruments to it,
experimenting with it. But it uh,
it all boils down to just uh... I
don’t know what I’m talking about
really, I’m just mumbling, man.

SCOTTY
Hey, Elvis, why don't you talk
about, uh... little finger?

They share a look-- connecting.

ELVIS
The little finger. Yeah that’s all
I could move at Russwood.

Elvis thinks back...

ELVIS
The uh, the police filmed the show
on the 4th of July in Memphis
because the PTA or the YMCA or
somebody, they thought I was uh...
something.

As the audience chuckles, Elvis' eyes flick up to Colonel
in the control room.

ELVIS
So uh, the police came out to film
the show. So they told me I
couldn’t move, I had to stand
still. The only thing I could move
was my little finger like that,
man.
(wiggles finger)
You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog
Crying all the time...
If you’re looking for trouble, you
came to the right place...

The band and audience crack up as the soulful strains of
"Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child," sung by
Darlene Love begins...

ELVIS
But, uh, that’s one thing about
this TV special that I’m doing.
They’re gonna let me do what I
wanna do...

(CONTINUED)
111.
CONTINUED: (2)

Elvis looks up into the camera.
Genres: ["Drama","Music","Biography"]

Summary In the NBC studios during the day, Colonel angrily demands that Binder play 'Here Comes Santa Claus' after 'Elvis Talks'. However, on stage, Elvis decides to talk about music instead, mentioning his influence and other bands like the Beatles. He also shares stories about keeping his little finger still during a performance in Memphis, causing the band and audience to laugh. Elvis expresses his excitement about being able to do what he wants in this TV special, standing up to Colonel's domineering control. The tone is lighthearted and playful, with a touch of defiance.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Limited interaction with other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures Elvis' inner thoughts and struggles while delivering a heartfelt performance, engaging the audience emotionally.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis breaking free from expectations and speaking candidly about his music and past experiences adds depth to his character and resonates with the audience.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Elvis' defiance against the Colonel's control and his desire to stay true to himself, setting up a conflict that drives the emotional core of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the behind-the-scenes dynamics of a television special, blending humor and heart in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the era depicted.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elvis' authenticity and vulnerability shine through in his performance, showcasing his inner turmoil and resilience. The supporting characters provide humor and camaraderie, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis undergoes a subtle transformation, from feeling pressured to conform to reclaiming his authenticity and artistic freedom. This change is pivotal in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his audience and express his true feelings about his music and career. He wants to be authentic and genuine in his performance, despite the pressures of the television industry.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to successfully complete the TV special and deliver a memorable performance that resonates with his fans and the audience.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Elvis and the Colonel's expectations creates tension and emotional depth in the scene, driving Elvis to assert his individuality and artistic vision.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the pressure Elvis faces to conform to industry expectations while also staying true to himself. This creates a tension that drives the conflict and character development.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high as Elvis challenges the Colonel's control and risks his career by asserting his individuality and artistic integrity.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Elvis' internal struggle and his decision to assert his artistic vision, setting the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations of a typical television special, showcasing the challenges and vulnerabilities of a famous performer in a humorous and relatable way.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between authenticity and commercialism evident in this scene. Elvis struggles to balance his desire to be true to himself with the demands of the entertainment industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as Elvis bares his soul through his performance and dialogue, creating a heartfelt connection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is authentic and heartfelt, allowing Elvis to express his thoughts and emotions in a genuine manner. It adds depth to his character and strengthens the connection with the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it offers a glimpse into the inner workings of a television production while also exploring themes of authenticity and artistic expression. The humor and emotional depth keep the audience invested in the characters and their journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of comedic moments and heartfelt reflections that keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively transitions between the control room and the stage, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two people.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's more of a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. It takes place in a control room, which is not a very exciting setting.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • Add some action to the scene to make it more visually interesting.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't advance the plot.



Scene 25 -  Elvis' Emotional Comeback Special Performance and the Colonel's Betrayal
INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

On the monitors, Elvis is in closeup. It’s almost as if
he is looking straight at Colonel.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(on monitor)
Sing the music that I want. Music
that I love...


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis looks to Priscilla.

ELVIS
The music that makes me happy.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Binder looks from the control desk to the Colonel
watching Elvis on the monitors, who is clearly taking
this personally.

MATCH TO:


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Old Colonel watching Elvis, the control room now on the
carpet in Space with rows of monitors.

OLD COLONEL
Those know-it-all hippies poisoned
Elvis. And now my boy, mocking me!

ELVIS
(on monitor)
I was supposed to turn my back on
my fans, but I didn't. And
because of that, they sent me to
the Army.

OLD COLONEL
Blaming me?! When I saved him?

ELVIS
(on monitor)
And ever since then, I lost
everything I ever cared about. My
friends, loved ones, my music...
112.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - DAY (1968)

Back in reality, Elvis stares at the Colonel, who watches
from the control room.

ELVIS (V.O.)
And most of all, I lost my dear,
sweet mama... My Satnin'...

A spotlight reveals African-American dance legend CLAUDE
THOMPSON as he begins an exquisite solo.

DARLENE LOVE (V.O.)
Sometimes I feel like a motherless
child.
Sometimes I feel like a motherless
child...

Elvis watches from the shadows, singing to himself.

ELVIS
(sings)
Sometimes I feel like a motherless
child...
a long way from home...

Claude continues dancing his solo.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Singer were about to walk out; I
had one final chance...!


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CORRIDOR - DAY

Colonel yells at the Floor Manager:

COLONEL
Young man, you tell them it’s time
for ‘Here Comes Santa Claus.’ I
said so. Now, now!

FLOOR MANAGER
First positions! Not here, out
there! Go, go. Sleighs! Where’s
the sleigh?

Santas stub out cigarettes and don their hats! A large
wooden sleigh is dragged into position.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

THROUGH the glass at the back of the room, we see Colonel
barrel along the corridor...

(CONTINUED)
113.
CONTINUED:

He bursts in right as Binder pushes the intercom.

BINDER
Cue the gospel and then we'll
segue straight into the whorehouse
and kung-fu spectacular. Go!

The Singer Executives stare with unforgiving horror and
head for the exit. A final word to Colonel.

SENIOR SINGER EXEC
You’ll be hearing from our
lawyers. Santa Claus is bringing
you a lawsuit!

COLONEL
But we have ‘Little Drummer Boy’!

Colonel turns. Through the monitors, we--

MATCH TO:


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Colonel is surrounded by monitors showing Elvis in the
different dance numbers. As he spins:

OLD COLONEL
Kung-fu fighters! An all-colors-of-
the-rainbow ballet!

Colonel keeps spinning around to see the monitor with
Elvis in the bordello number.

OLD COLONEL
This was not part of the plan! And
it was a good plan!

TOP SHOT: Suddenly Colonel is revealed on the NBC stage
amongst a flower of fans and bordello dancers.

OLD COLONEL
Street whores... To sell sewing
machines at Christmas time!

He’s aggressed by multiple gospel singers, kung-fu
fighters, bordello girls. The music intensifies into an
orchestral cacophony, the memory of the comeback takes on
a nightmarish quality.

ELVIS
(sings)
If you ever take a trip down to
the ocean
Find yourself down around Mobile
(CONTINUED)
114.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL
Singer wasn't going to sell a
single sewing machine!

ELVIS
(sings)
If you got a little time to kill
Just follow that crowd of people
You'll wind up out on his dance
floor

OLD COLONEL
We would be in breach! Sued by our
own sponsors for breach of
contract.

ELVIS
(sings)
Diggin' the finest little five
piece group
Up and down the Gulf of Mexico
Guess who's leadin' that five-
piece band,
Well, wouldn't ya know, it's that
Swingin' little guitar man.

OLD COLONEL
We were going to be ruined in this
town! We’d be laughed right out of
show business

ELVIS (V.O.)
(sings)
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

OLD COLONEL
Everything was going backwards.

PULL OUT to reveal Elvis and the Blue Moon Boys sitting
on the stage.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, I'm the king of the jungle,
They call me the Tiger Man.
And if you cross my path,
You take your own life in your
hands.

As the nightmare Elvis mash-up begins to peak, multiple
Elvises now join the ensemble.




(CONTINUED)
115.
CONTINUED: (2)

OLD COLONEL
I betrayed you? You betrayed me!
This television broadcast was our
last chance! I'd given my word to
our sponsors! Something had to be
done!

SUDDENLY, THE SOUND OF A GUNSHOT!

YOUNG STAGEHAND (V.O.)
They shot him! Bobby! Kennedy!!!


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - NIGHT (1968)

The tragic news tears through the cast as they rush from
the stage.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Old Colonel, once again alone on the carpet of Space,
stares at thousands of 1970s televisions on which the
Kennedy tragedy plays out.

PUSH IN on a screen: images from the Ambassador Hotel.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

The whole cast and crew, many in tears, gather around the
TV, which plays news of the Robert Kennedy assassination.
Elvis’ eyes are glued to the screen.

NBC FLOOR MANAGER
Steve, we gotta get back to work.

Binder stands:

BINDER
Listen... I just want to say that
I’m looking at all of us...
(re: himself)
Jewish director, black
choreographer, Puerto Rican
choreographer, dance sections of
black, white and you know, purple.
And of course...
(to Elvis)
Our gentleman from Tupelo... And
to me, this is the kind of nation
we are. Right here. In this room.
And we cannot end this show with
‘Here Comes Santa Claus.’ We have
to say something. You have to make
a statement, E.P.
(CONTINUED)
116.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL (O.S.)
Mr. Presley does not make
statements.

The curtain that hides Elvis’ bedroom is slowly drawn
back. It’s the Colonel. He walks in and stares the entire
room down.

COLONEL
He sings ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’,
and wishes everyone ‘Merry
Christmas’ and ‘Goodnight.’

Colonel's jabs at the dial; the screen goes black.

COLONEL
The show must go on.

The West cousins and the Floor Manager move everyone out
of the room. Elvis says nothing. Faces fall, disgusted by
the cowardice of the King.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM

It’s late and Bones is making coffee for himself and
Binder as they watch coverage of the Robert Kennedy
shooting on the monitors. PUSH IN ON: a monitor.


INT. NBC - DRESSING ROOM - LATER

MATCH SHOT: pull out on a miniature TV in Elvis’ dressing
room. Billy helps Elvis into his robe.

COLONEL
Poor Mrs. Kennedy. A tragedy, a
tragedy... But it has nothing to
do with us.

Suddenly, Elvis bursts through the curtains.

ELVIS
It has everything to do with us...

COLONEL
I just do not think we should be
making speeches about politics and
religion.

ELVIS
Dr. King was shot eight miles from
Graceland, while I was out here
singing to turtles. And now this,
and all you can think about is how
many goddamn sweaters I can sell?!
(CONTINUED)
117.
CONTINUED:

This wounds Colonel's pride.

COLONEL
I'm a promoter, that’s what I do.

But Elvis does not back down...

ELVIS
Well I’m Elvis Presley. That’s
what I do.

The Colonel's eye takes on that crocodile gleam.

COLONEL
Well, Mr. Bindle has really gotten
inside your head with all of his
hippy friends. You actually think
that singing your old songs
dressed in black leather,
sweating, mumbling incoherently to
the audience, was a good show?

ELVIS
Colonel, I know when I’ve excited
an audience.

The Colonel rounds on him.

COLONEL
That was not a real audience my
boy. There was a sign flashing
‘applaud’ telling them when to
clap for you.

This touches Elvis' Achilles heel. The Colonel knows he's
landed a blow and drives in, brandishing his cane.

COLONEL
This entire jamboree is an
embarrassment!
(thud goes the cane)
You have embarrassed the
sponsors...
(off thud)
You have embarrassed yourself...
(off thud)
And you have embarrassed me...
(off thud)
Now, you can sing whatever songs
you and Mr. Bindle choose for 55
minutes, but at the end of the
show there will be a Christmas
song.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
118.
CONTINUED: (2)
COLONEL (CONT'D)
Or we will be sued-- no, you will
be sued for breach of contract,
because I will no longer be the
promoter your career... I will
have to leave you.

Elvis takes this in. Colonel makes his way to the door.

COLONEL
I have convinced our friends at
Singer to come back tomorrow for
‘Here Comes Santa Claus.’ I’ll see
you in the morning, Mr.
Presley.
(turning before he
exits)
Oh, and as I recall, Dr. King said
rock and roll contributed to
juvenile delinquency.

Elvis turns back to the television. PUSH IN ON: L.B.J. on
the television and MATCH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Musical","Biographical"]

Summary In this emotional and tense scene from Elvis' comeback special, Elvis performs at the NBC studios while the Colonel watches from a ghostly casino in Vegas, fearing a breach of contract. Elvis reflects on his lost loved ones and the recent Robert Kennedy assassination, causing a conflict with the Colonel. The scene ends with Elvis determined to make a statement and the Colonel storming out.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the character development of Elvis. It sets up a major conflict and showcases strong performances.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the clash between artistic expression and commercial interests, is well-executed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and gripping, with high stakes and emotional depth. It sets up a major turning point in Elvis' career.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on Elvis Presley's career and personal struggles, presenting a nuanced portrayal of his relationships and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis and Colonel Parker, are well-developed and their conflicting motivations add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, standing up for his beliefs and asserting his identity.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal is to assert his artistic integrity and autonomy in the face of pressure from his manager, the Colonel. This reflects his deeper need for creative expression and personal fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to navigate the demands of the TV show and the expectations of his sponsors while staying true to his artistic vision.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elvis and Colonel Parker is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the conflict between characters and raising the stakes.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Elvis faces the risk of losing his career and artistic freedom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up a crucial decision for Elvis.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its shifts between reality and fantasy, as well as the unexpected twists in character dynamics and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between artistic integrity and commercial success, as Elvis grapples with the Colonel's focus on selling records and maintaining a public image.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially in the confrontation between Elvis and Colonel Parker.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the inner conflicts of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, dynamic character interactions, and dramatic stakes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting aligns with the expected format for a screenplay, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different time periods and locations to build tension and reveal character motivations.


Critique
  • The described scene is disjointed, mixing multiple storylines and not flowing smoothly.
  • The transition from the control room to the stage and back is confusing and disorienting.
  • The dialogue is mostly expositional and does not move the story forward.
  • The characterization is too simplistic, with Elvis portrayed as a pawn and the Colonel as a one-sided villain.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and does not offer any meaningful insights into the characters or the situation.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear focus and goal, and stick to it.
  • Use smooth transitions to connect different parts of the scene.
  • Incorporate more action and dialogue that drives the story forward.
  • Develop the characters more fully, giving them complex motivations and emotions.
  • Use the scene to reveal something important about the characters or the situation.



Scene 26 -  Elvis's New Song: A Triumph at NBC Studios
INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM/STAGE - NIGHT

L.B.J. on the monitor in the control room. Binder turns
off the three monitors with a ‘click, click, click.’
Bones behind him. He notices Elvis down in the studio.

CUT TO: the abandoned studio floor. A stark work light
slashes the Santa set, where Elvis stands in deep
contemplation. He sings a couple of melancholic lines
from "Here Comes Santa Claus.”

BINDER (V.O.)
(intercom)
We're set for the number tomorrow
right E.P?

Elvis looks up to Binder in the control room.

BINDER
It's pretty familiar territory...
Is it okay if we just run through
it in the morning?

He looks to Bones, pulling on his jacket to leave, weary
with disappointment. Elvis stares back at Binder and
Bones, defiance in his eyes...

ELVIS
A reverend told me once: ‘When
things are too dangerous to say...
sing.’
119.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Binder ponders. He turns to Bones, who has stopped
putting on his jacket. Binder looks down at the script he
was about to throw out. We hear simple piano chords.

CLOSE ON Binder’s script as we match cut to...


INT. NBC STUDIOS - DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

TOP SHOT: Elvis, lying on the floor, holding Binder’s
script. He moves the paper to reveal the lyrics to ‘If I
Can Dream’ on the flip-side. Binder, Bones and BILLY
GOLDENBERG are around the piano, shaping up a song.

ELVIS
(sings)
There must be lights burning
brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a
sky more blue...

Time passes and the piano chords transform into a warm,
stirring brass section.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - DAY

We once again see Colonel barreling along past the window
at the back of the room, wearing a Christmas sweater.
Diskin, also in sweater, and Charlie Hodge in tow.

CHARLIE
They were in there all night...

COLONEL
Doing what?

CHARLIE
Working on the new song. He says
he’s singing it...

COLONEL
New song? No.

Colonel enters the control room.

COLONEL
Oh, it's beginning to look a lot
like Christmas! Mr. Bindle... You
and I are on the same page at
last.



(CONTINUED)
120.
CONTINUED:

Binder looks up. Eight monitors hold a wide shot of the
Santa set with dancers and a choreographer rehearsing
“Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Colonel turns to the Singer Executives, but before he can
speak, we hear the stirring brass, and the Singer
Executives' faces turn ashen.

BINDER
Bring up the lights on the sign.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The West cousins pull back a curtain to reveal a white-
suited Elvis. Priscilla kisses him before he takes the
stage.

PRISCILLA
Good luck, baby.

Suddenly, the TV cameras turn away from the Santa set and
towards the giant “ELVIS” letters illuminated in red.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The Colonel moves in disbelief to the window as a crane
with a CAMERAMAN sweeps in front of his reddening face.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - STAGE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis, now fully revealed in the spotlight, sings as if
speaking to the whole world from the depths of his soul.

ELVIS
(sings)
We're lost in a cloud!
With too much rain!

The cast looks on, moved by the power of the message and
the voice.

ELVIS
(sings)
We're trapped in a world!
That's troubled with pain!
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream... He
can redeem his soul
And fly!
121.


INT. NBC STUDIOS - CONTROL ROOM - DAY

Colonel’s face is like thunder. Diskin, inscrutable, yet
an undeniable inner approval.

Just then, Priscilla walks in. She shares a look with
Binder and stands by him.

ELVIS (V.O.)
Deep in my heart there's a
tremblin' question
Still I am sure that the answer,
answer's gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there's a
beckoning candle
And while I can think, while I can
talk


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

ELVIS (V.O.)
While I can stand, while I can
walk
While I can dream, please let my
dream
Come true, right now!!!

Colonel, now walking away from the Elvis set, back into
the ghostly casino whence he came.

OLD COLONEL
I was certain it was going to be a
disaster.

We STAY ON Colonel’s face as it transforms.

OLD COLONEL
(a tepid whisper)
But I was wrong.

Never before have we seen the Colonel so vulnerable.


EXT. GRACELAND - DAY (1969)

A lively picnic to the sounds of Elvis’ ‘Memphis
Tennessee.’ Elvis and Priscilla race around on a golf
cart. A new era at Graceland.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Old Colonel sits ever-so-slowly at the roulette table,
his face frozen in catatonic despair. He SCREAMS...

(CONTINUED)
122.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL
Wrong!

His breath heavy, full of self-pity.

OLD COLONEL
All those years I stood by him.
One little mistake and he leaves
me?!


INT. GRACELAND - MUSIC ROOM - AFTERNOON (1969)

Graceland, completely reimagined in a hip, sixties look,
with an equally hip cocktail party in swing. Elvis,
Priscilla, Jerry ,and a cool, rangy character, TOM
HULETT, look over the plans for a touring plane.

JERRY
Air Presley’s new wings.

ELVIS
(sings)
I’ll fly away, oh glory
I’ll fly away, in my Convair 880.

HULETT
With a state room in the back,
extra seating in the front.

PRISCILLA
You mean we can sleep on the
plane?

HULETT
That’s the whole point! When you
play stadiums, it’s like a week of
shows in just one night. So when
it’s done, you hop on the plane
and go where you want...

ELVIS
“Go where you want, play where you
want, and if they don’t like it,
go some place else.” B.B. King
told me that.

HULETT
B.B. knows, man... I’ve been doing
some research. Last year alone,
you turned down two offers in
Germany and Japan for a million
bucks... for one night! You know
who gets offers like that?

Elvis shrugs.
(CONTINUED)
123.
CONTINUED:

HULETT
Nobody... Nobody except Elvis.
Aaron. Presley. Just last week,
with our newest group, Led
Zeppelin, they sold out the
Coliseum in Vancouver. Just
imagine what you could do. Why the
Colonel turned them down is beyond
me.

JERRY
Well if you figure it out, let us
know.

A tense moment. Elvis spies little LISA MARIE and picks
her up.

PRISCILLA
We should call it the “Lisa
Marie.” Are you guys hungry? Let’s
eat.

Joining Vernon, his new wife, DEE, Charlie, Lamar and
girlfriends, they hold court like the Kennedys.

They all sit down for dinner. A phone RINGS. Charlie pops
out, and back in.

CHARLIE
Hey EP, it’s the Colonel.

ELVIS
Not now, Charlie. I’m sitting down
to dinner with my family.

CHARLIE
(into the phone)
You’re gonna have to call back
later.

ELVIS
(to the table)
I want you to get me some songs. I
want you to get me some songs,
too. I want every one of you, if
you know somebody, to get me some
songs.

LAMAR
Hey, I got something from a young
guy, Eddie Rabbitt: "Kentucky
Rain" You’ve got to do it. It’s
just that good.

We PAN to the dining room chandelier as the lights turn
on, signaling the transition to night.
124.
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Binder, Elvis, Bones, and Billy Goldenberg collaborate on a new song for 'Here Comes Santa Claus' at the NBC studios' control room and dressing room at night. The Colonel initially opposes the new song but changes his mind when he hears it. The scene ends with Elvis's inspiring performance of the new song on stage during the day, with the approval of the cast and Colonel. The main conflict is the Colonel's opposition, which is resolved when he hears the song. The emotional tone is hopeful and triumphant, with significant dialogue including Elvis's quote and the Colonel's exclamation. The visual elements include the Santa set, abandoned studio floor, and Elvis performing on stage.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic richness
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in the Colonel's motivations
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and filled with significant character development and thematic depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Elvis breaking free from the Colonel's constraints, finding his voice, and embracing new opportunities is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with Elvis defying expectations, making important decisions about his career, and experiencing personal growth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the legendary figure of Elvis Presley, portraying him as a complex and multifaceted character grappling with personal and professional challenges. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, are well-developed, showcasing a range of emotions and internal conflicts. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes significant character development, showing defiance, vulnerability, and hope for the future, leading to a transformative moment.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to express his artistic vision and authenticity despite external pressures and expectations. He seeks to connect with his music on a deeper level and convey his emotions through his performance.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to successfully rehearse and perform a new song for the television show, navigating the challenges and conflicts that arise in the process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily between Elvis and the Colonel, as well as internal conflicts within Elvis himself.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from Elvis's internal struggles, external pressures, and conflicting values. The audience is kept engaged by the uncertainty of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, as Elvis risks his career and relationships by defying the Colonel and pursuing his own path.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Elvis' decision to break free from the Colonel's control, embrace new opportunities, and find his true voice.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in Elvis's journey, from moments of vulnerability to moments of triumph. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between artistic integrity and commercial success. Elvis's desire to sing from the heart clashes with the expectations of his management and the industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from defiance and hope to vulnerability and despair, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character motivations, emotions, and conflicts. It effectively conveys the themes of self-discovery and defiance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, emotional depth, and dramatic tension. The audience is drawn into the world of the story and invested in the outcome of Elvis's performance.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, building tension and suspense as Elvis prepares for his performance. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact of key moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a television production setting, with clear transitions between locations and actions. The visual descriptions and dialogue are well-crafted and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a cohesive structure that effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, leading to a climactic performance by Elvis. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness and impact.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Binder and Elvis is a bit wooden and unnatural. It sounds more like a script than a real conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It starts with Elvis singing 'Here Comes Santa Claus,' then cuts to Binder and Bones in the control room, then back to Elvis on stage. It's not clear what the point of the scene is.
  • The Colonel's reaction to Elvis's new song is over-the-top and unrealistic. He seems to be more concerned with his own ego than with Elvis's career.
  • The pacing of the scene is too slow. There are long stretches of dialogue and inactivity that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's more of a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Binder and Elvis to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Give the scene a clearer focus. What is the main point that you want to convey? Once you know what the focus is, you can cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Tone down the Colonel's reaction to Elvis's new song. Make it more believable and in character.
  • Speed up the pacing of the scene. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether. If it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters, it may be better to cut it.



Scene 27 -  Celebration, Gifts, and Tense Concerns at Graceland followed by a Bold Decision in Vegas
INT. GRACELAND DINING ROOM - LATER

PAN off the chandelier to find STAFF clearing away the
last of the plates at the meal’s end. It’s a warm
atmosphere and spirits are high. Elvis’ end of the table
is abuzz with talk of the new album:

JERRY
You know E, I love the new song,
man it’s--

ELVIS
(interrupting)
It’s unlike anything I’ve ever
sung before.

PRISCILLA
The first time Elvis played it for
me, I cried.

CHARLIE
I don’t know about the title: “In
The Ghetto”...

DEE
“In The Ghetto?” That’s going to
put a lot of people off.

CHARLIE
Well it’s a great song but, you
know, it might...

JERRY
Have you settled on a name for the
album?

ELVIS
From Elvis... in Memphis. Going
back to my roots recording here in
my home town. And then we take it
to the world with our new wings.

Priscilla summons the maid who brings a tray of jewelry
boxes with a tag reading: “From Elvis.” She hands them
out around the table.

PRISCILLA
And in honor of that, Elvis and I
have organized a little surprise.
It’s nothing crazy.

ELVIS
To celebrate this new chapter, the
new album, and the tour.


(CONTINUED)
125.
CONTINUED:

Vernon, now a few drinks past his limit, attempts an
aside to Dee.

VERNON
And if the tour doesn’t go off as
planned, those costs, the
musicians, that airplane, that’s
gonna be on my head, yeah.

A tense silence, as if Colonel’s presence is suddenly
felt.

HULETT
Mr Presley, with all due respect,
man, there’s no way this tour
won’t bring in mucho dinero.

VERNON
Well son, I’m sorry, but it’s my
job to worry about these finances
because I am business manager.

PRISCILLA
Vernon, we’re all taking care of
business now.

Hulett opens one of the boxes, holding up a lightning
bolt necklace, emblazoned with “TCB”.

ELVIS
That’s right. We’re gonna TCB
around the world... but that don’t
mean nothin’ without a little
tender loving care at home.

One of the women at the table opens her box to find a
matching “TLC” necklace inside.

PRISCILLA
You can’t have one without the
other.

ELVIS
To TCB and TLC.

Glasses are raised as the guests respond, some trying on
their new necklaces with a laugh. Vernon looks on
incredulously.

VERNON
(to Dee)
And how much did these cost?

Priscilla looks to Elvis, catching a flicker of self-
doubt.
126.


EXT. GRACELAND - DAY

An RCA MOBILE RECORDING VAN is parked in the driveway. We
FOLLOW cables running from the van to inside the house.


INT. GRACELAND - JUNGLE ROOM - DAY

Elvis, backup singers, and band are recording. Priscilla
descends the stairs and watches.

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, the world turns
And a hungry little boy with a
runny nose
Plays in the street as the cold
wind blows
In the ghetto
And his hunger burns
So he starts to roam the streets
at night
And he learns how to steal, and he
learns how to fight
In the ghetto


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

The SCREEN FILLS with archival images of riots in
Chicago, Newark...

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Then one night in desperation
A young man breaks away
He buys a gun, steals a car
Tries to run, but he don't get far
And his mama cries
As a crowd gathers 'round an angry
young man
Face down on the street with a gun
in his hand
In the ghetto


INT. GRACELAND - JUNGLE ROOM - DAY (1969)

Charlie answers the phone and mouths to Jerry, ‘It’s the
Colonel.’ Priscilla shakes her head at Charlie. Elvis
imbues the last lines with authentic emotion.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
And as her young man dies
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
127.
CONTINUED:
ELVIS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin'
Another little baby child is born
In the ghetto
And his mama cries


INT. ALADDIN CASINO (VEGAS) - GAMBLING FLOOR - DAY

The CROUPIER deals a card and Colonel taps the table,
requesting another.

COLONEL
Hit me.

But to his surprise, the Croupier does not deal him
another card. Colonel taps the table again.

COLONEL
Hit me.

CROUPIER
(nervously)
Mr. Parker, Mr. Kohn would like to
see you.

COLONEL
Colonel Parker. Hit me.

The Croupier just stares back while the FLOOR MANAGER
beside him shakes his head. Colonel drags himself from
the table, taking a basket of fried chicken with him.


INT. CASINO - MEYER KOHN’S OFFICE

MEYER KOHN and his INTIMIDATING ASSOCIATE stare the
Colonel down from across a desk.

MEYER KOHN
You’ve run up quite a tab,
Colonel, and now we hear your boy
is working with new people. You’ve
lost your meal ticket.

Kohn rises for emphasis.

MEYER KOHN
You better settle up, Colonel,
before we have to make things...

With an ominous knuckle-crack, Kohn’s Associate finishes
his sentence.

INTIMIDATING ASSOCIATE
...Uncomfortable.
128.


INT. GRACELAND - ELVIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT

Elvis brushes his teeth while Priscilla brushes her hair,
getting ready for bed.

ELVIS
I have to see him in Vegas. He’s
hurt his back...

PRISCILLA
Satnin’, you know what he’s like.
The moment you get near him, he’ll
have you under 10 feet of snow
before you know what’s happened.

Elvis looks to her, knows where she’s going.

ELVIS
Baby my mind’s made up. Business
is business, but I owe it to him
to tell him to his face.

PRISCILLA
Just be careful he doesn’t clip
your wings.

Elvis slides into the bed, cuddling her.

ELVIS
He won’t. I’m gonna go see him in
Vegas, look him in he eyes and
tell him it’s over.

PRISCILLA
I actually feel sorry for him.

ELVIS
Me too.

We can tell by the way Elvis gently nods that his
feelings for the Colonel still run deep. Priscilla clicks
off the TV remote and we go to black.
Genres: ["Drama","Musical"]

Summary The scene is set in the Graceland dining room, where everyone is in high spirits due to the success of Elvis' new song 'In The Ghetto'. Elvis and Priscilla hand out jewelry boxes as a surprise gift, but Vernon, Elvis' father, expresses his concerns about the tour's finances, causing a tense moment. The group then records new music in the Jungle Room. Charlie receives a call from the Colonel, which Priscilla advises against answering. The scene ends with Elvis deciding to confront the Colonel in Vegas, setting the stage for potential conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic exploration, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing personal relationships with professional obligations, as well as Elvis' struggle for artistic freedom, is well-developed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the tension surrounding Elvis' career decisions and his relationship with the Colonel, providing a compelling narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the iconic figure of Elvis Presley, exploring his personal and professional struggles in a nuanced and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with complex relationships and motivations that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis shows growth in his determination to confront the Colonel and assert his independence, marking a significant change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his independence and make a decision regarding his relationship with Colonel Parker. This reflects his need for autonomy and authenticity in his career and personal life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the challenges of his upcoming tour and album release, ensuring their success despite financial concerns and external pressures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the characters' differing perspectives and goals.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal and external conflicts challenging the protagonist's decisions and relationships, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of Elvis' career trajectory and personal relationships, adding tension and significance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the story by deepening the conflict and setting up important decisions for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters, unexpected revelations, and emotional depth that keeps the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's loyalty to Colonel Parker and his own desire for creative freedom and control over his career. This challenges his values of loyalty and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of personal relationships, artistic passion, and inner turmoil.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reveals the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of personal drama, professional challenges, and historical context, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with emotional beats and action sequences, keeping the audience engaged and invested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, balancing dialogue, action, and emotional beats effectively to drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a warm and celebratory atmosphere, but the mood changes abruptly when Vernon raises concerns about the tour's finances. This tonal shift feels jarring and could be smoothed out by giving more context or building up to the conflict.
  • The dialogue about the new album and the tour is informative, but it lacks emotional depth. Consider adding personal anecdotes or reactions from the characters to make the conversation more engaging.
  • The introduction of the jewelry boxes as a surprise gift is a nice touch, but it doesn't seem to have a significant impact on the scene. Explore ways to connect the gift to the characters' relationships or the overall narrative.
  • The recording session in the Jungle Room feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider finding a way to integrate it more smoothly, perhaps by having the characters discuss the song or its significance.
  • The transition to the Colonel in the casino in Vegas is abrupt and doesn't provide enough context. Consider adding a brief establishing shot or a line of dialogue to clarify the setting and Colonel's current situation.
  • The Colonel's conversation with Meyer Kohn and his associate is tense and effective, but it could be more impactful if the stakes were raised. Consider adding specific consequences or threats to make the Colonel's predicament more urgent.
  • The final dialogue between Elvis and Priscilla in the bedroom is emotionally charged, but it could be strengthened by providing more specific details about Elvis's feelings for the Colonel. Consider adding a line or two that explores the complex emotions he's experiencing.
  • The ending of the scene, with Elvis and Priscilla cuddling and the lights turning on, feels anticlimactic. Consider finding a more impactful way to end the scene, perhaps by leaving the audience with a lingering thought or question.
Suggestions
  • Expand the dialogue about the financial concerns to include Vernon's motivations and fears. This will help make his concerns more understandable and relatable.
  • Add a line or two of dialogue where the characters express their excitement or anticipation for the new album and the tour. This will help build emotional momentum and make the audience more invested in the characters' journey.
  • Connect the jewelry gift to the characters' relationships by having them discuss the significance of the necklaces or by showing how they wear them later in the scene.
  • Integrate the recording session into the scene by having the characters discuss the song's lyrics or its connection to the album's overall theme.
  • Provide a brief establishing shot of the casino in Vegas before cutting to the Colonel. This will help orient the audience and create a sense of place.
  • Raise the stakes of the Colonel's conversation with Meyer Kohn by having the associate deliver a specific threat or ultimatum. This will make the Colonel's predicament more urgent and increase the tension.
  • Add a line or two of dialogue where Elvis expresses his conflicted emotions about the Colonel. This will help make his decision to confront the Colonel more believable and emotionally resonant.
  • Consider ending the scene with a close-up of Elvis's face as he looks determinedly into the camera. This will leave the audience with a lingering impression of his resolve and anticipation for the upcoming confrontation.



Scene 28 -  The Parting of Ways: Elvis and Colonel's Business Relationship Comes to an End
INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Colonel’s eyes bulge, a dismissive smile as he intones...

OLD COLONEL
Sorry for me? She feels sorry for
me?

Colonel, IV in tow, walks into the model of the European
village we saw in the Christmas special.

A YOUNG WOMAN’s laughter echoes from a shopfront.
(CONTINUED)
129.
CONTINUED:

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
Andreas, I feel so sorry for
you...

This strange memory clearly pains the Colonel.

OLD COLONEL
Sorry for me? For leaving me, Mr.
Presley? Well, we both had bills
to pay, but...

He lifts a finger TOWARDS the CAMERA.

OLD COLONEL
I had the perfect solution.


INT./EXT. LIMO/LAS VEGAS STRIP - DAY (1969)

Elvis and Memphis Mafia are driven past garish marquees:
"The Stardust," "Caesars Palace," "The Flamingo."


INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - DAY

The West cousins secure the hallway as Elvis approaches
Colonel’s room. Diskin guides Elvis through the door.

DISKIN
Hey EP, he doesn't want you making
a fuss.


INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Blinds drawn. A disturbing wheezing. Nurse Tish tends to
Colonel, in a hospital bed. A weak, husky voice...

NURSE TISH
Colonel, Elvis is here.

COLONEL
My boy...

Colonel feebly waves in Elvis' direction.

ELVIS
Admiral... How are you?

Elvis moves to him, concern hidden behind tinted glasses.

COLONEL
I should have gone down to see you
but as you can see I'm a... little
laid up, you know.

(CONTINUED)
130.
CONTINUED:

He moves to get out of bed, Diskin rushes to support him.

NURSE TISH
You’ve just had a heart attack;
you're not to get out of bed.

ELVIS
A heart attack? You said your
back.

But Colonel is already out of bed, Nurse Tish stabilizing
him with his walker.

COLONEL
Stop making such a fuss. Diskin,
get the lights. My heart just
stopped is all... I fell and put
my back out. It was just all the
excitement over your Christmas
special; but I shouldn't have
worried any.

He stops and looks Elvis directly in the eye.

COLONEL
You came through as you always do.
I may have very small ideas, but
no one can sell a show to an
audience like you can. I admit it,
I was wrong.

It's almost as if there's an invisible tear in Colonel's
eye. Elvis strengthens his resolve.

ELVIS
Colonel, I want to tell you in
person. As far as business is
concerned, I think we need to go
our separate ways.

But Colonel is all enthusiasm.

COLONEL
Well, you may be right. It may be
time for me to retire.

Elvis chuckles.

ELVIS
Come on Colonel, quit snowing me.
You ain’t retiring.

The Colonel seems hurt.



(CONTINUED)
131.
CONTINUED: (2)

COLONEL
I will miss the circus. I can’t
keep up with this young fella
Hulett is putting on your new
show, an international tour in
stadiums and the Olympia in Paris
and the Sydney Opera House and
what’s that one Diskin? “Boukin?”

DISKIN
The Budokan in Tokyo.

COLONEL
The Budokan in Tokyo... But
creating a show worthy of an
international tour is very, very
expensive. All those costs eat
into the artist’s profits and I
worry that the financial risk
would put a strain on your father.
I’ve been thinking, as your former
technical advisor and as an old
friend...

The Colonel looks to Elvis, looking for reassurance.

COLONEL
What if your show didn’t cost a
single cent? Then it would be all
profit! Every dollar you make
would be a dollar profit! And I
think your daddy would like the
sound of that very much.

Colonel touches a button and the drapes rush back to
REVEAL: the International Hotel, vaulting skywards!
Genres: ["Drama","Biopic"]

Summary In a 1969 hospital room, Colonel, still recovering from a heart attack, watches a memory of a young woman from a past Christmas special. Elvis pays a visit, expressing his concern for Colonel's health, but Colonel downplays his condition. Despite Colonel's attempts to convince Elvis to continue their professional relationship, Elvis decides it's time to part ways in terms of business. This emotional scene highlights the conflict between Colonel's desire to manage Elvis's career and Elvis's determination to move on, leaving Colonel looking hurt as the scene concludes.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Revealing dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, revealing important character dynamics and setting up potential changes in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the Colonel's health, financial worries, and the potential end of his partnership with Elvis, is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the Colonel reveals his vulnerabilities and concerns, setting up potential conflicts and character changes.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh approach to a familiar mentor-mentee dynamic, with unique character interactions and unexpected plot developments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into the characters of Elvis and the Colonel, revealing their complex relationship and inner struggles.

Character Changes: 8

The Colonel's revelation and Elvis' decision to potentially part ways with him indicate significant character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reconcile with the Colonel and address their business relationship. This reflects their desire for validation and understanding from a mentor figure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to discuss the financial aspects of their show and potentially part ways with the Colonel. This reflects their immediate challenge of balancing business interests and personal relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and emotional in this scene, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and potential decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional stakes. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the potential end of the partnership between Elvis and the Colonel, impacting their careers and personal lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up potential changes in the story, especially regarding the partnership between Elvis and the Colonel.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected plot twists and character revelations. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's loyalty to their father and their business decisions. The Colonel's perspective challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs about success and profit.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the vulnerable portrayal of the characters and their complex relationship.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is emotional and revealing, showcasing the inner thoughts and conflicts of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, witty dialogue, and character dynamics. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with action and tension. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and plot progression. The transitions between past and present are seamless.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a memory of a young woman, seemingly from a past Christmas special. This memory is not clearly connected to the present scene and may be confusing for the audience.
  • The Colonel's dismissive smile and intones do not provide clear insight into his character or motivations.
  • The transition between the ghostly Vegas casino and the hospital room is abrupt and may be jarring for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Elvis and Colonel lacks emotional depth and does not reveal much about their relationship.
  • The Colonel's sudden change of heart about retiring is not well motivated and may seem unrealistic.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the memory of the young woman or providing more context to connect it to the present scene.
  • Expand on the Colonel's character by providing more details about his past or motivations.
  • Smooth the transition between the ghostly Vegas casino and the hospital room by using a dissolve or fade.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Elvis and Colonel to make it more emotionally charged and revealing.
  • Provide a stronger motivation for the Colonel's change of heart about retiring, such as a desire to make amends with Elvis or a fear of losing his influence.



Scene 29 -  Elvis and the Colonel's Exciting Tour Preparations
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - LATER

A late-‘60s red-and-white extravaganza. Colonel at one
end of the auditorium. Nurse Tish by his wheelchair.
Elvis examines the cavernous stage.

ELVIS
It's a mighty big stage. Remember
when we saw itty bitty Barbara
Streisand? It ate her alive.

COLONEL
She worked out the bugs for us.

Colonel dismisses Nurse Tish and walks toward Elvis as he
examines the Versailles-like ceiling.


(CONTINUED)
132.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
You can get lost in a place like
this.

Colonel has now arrived at the front of the stage.

COLONEL
When you started performing, you
always said something was wrong.
Your hair, your costume. But you
was just afraid. Afraid of being
Elvis, and if you weren't, you
wouldn't be a great artist.

Elvis considers. He knows there's a truth here.

COLONEL
Now yours and Mr Hulett’s
international tour can’t be
nothing less than great. Nothing
less than Elvis Presley.

ELVIS
(tentative)
I've been experimenting with a
new, big sound.

Colonel waves his cane towards the stage.

COLONEL
You can fill this stage with every
musical idea inside...
(feigns tapping
Elvis' head)
... that head.

ELVIS
It would cost.

Colonel leans into Elvis. There's an intimacy in their
closeness in this vast space:

COLONEL
Yes! That’s the beauty of it.
This here International Hotel
needs a mighty big draw card to
bring in the boobs... So they will
cover the costs of putting
together that show of yours. You
play here for six weeks and then,
off you go! Touring around the
world! With no financial risk to
Elvis Presley Enterprises. None.



(CONTINUED)
133.
CONTINUED: (2)

With this, the Colonel TAPS his cane, adopting that
strange, internal stare, drawing Elvis in for what feels
as though it could be a moment of hypnotism.

Elvis breaks the moment with a laugh.

ELVIS
God damn... The snowman strikes
again.

COLONEL
We are going to make it snow!
There will be so much snow, we'll
be able to ski down the Vegas
Strip.

ELVIS
So much snow, we'll be able to ski
off the top of the International!

COLONEL
So much snow, there’ll no longer
be a desert! And you’ll take this
show and ski around the entire
world! All the way straight to the
Rock of Eternity!

They laugh. Then, Elvis’ mind racing with creativity:


ELVIS
(sings)
Bright light city gonna set my
soul, gonna set my soul on fire.

ELVIS
We're gonna need the Sweet
Inspirations!

FOLLOW Elvis’ gaze and the famed soul sisters appear.

COLONEL
Done!

ELVIS
And the great Imperials.

COLONEL
Of course!

ELVIS
... and a 30-piece orchestra!

COLONEL
Strings, brass, a hundred pieces!
(to himself)
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
134.
CONTINUED: (3)
COLONEL (CONT'D)
And buttons, pins, calendars,
posters, photographs, scarves,
hound dogs. Giant stuffed hound
dogs. The biggest stuffed hound
dog on the planet earth.

Full brass section, rhythm, percussion, and male choir
appear alongside the Sweet Inspirations. Colonel, gone.

We are in a full-blown rehearsal. Elvis on a stool at the
center is trim, tanned, and terrific, mic in hand.

ELVIS
You know, the first thing I ever
recorded, the very first thing,
was “That’s All Right Lil Mama”
but it was back in 1927, I think
it was. Let’s see. I was quite
young, but we only had two or
three instruments at the time. We
had a guitar, a bass, and another
guitar. And well, now...

He whistles.

ELVIS
We’re gonna make something new
here... Listen, I want to try
something. Glenn, why don’t you
take the intro? 2, 3, 4...

Piano starts.

ELVIS
Alright, bring that bass up Jerry.

Bass joins.
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary In the showroom of the International Hotel in Las Vegas, Elvis and his manager, the Colonel, discuss the challenges of Elvis' upcoming international tour. The Colonel encourages Elvis to overcome his fear of performing in large venues, leading to a shared moment of excitement as they envision the success of the tour. The main conflict of Elvis' fear is resolved through the Colonel's support and the allocation of necessary resources for a grand sound. The scene concludes with the pair enthusiastically planning the tour and the spectacular show.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Creative collaboration between characters
  • Excitement for the upcoming musical performance
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of potential conflicts or obstacles

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, filled with creativity, and sets the stage for a significant musical event. The dialogue is dynamic and reveals the characters' passion for their craft.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of planning a grand musical performance with elaborate details and a sense of showmanship is well-executed. It sets the stage for a pivotal moment in Elvis' career.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the preparation for a major musical event, showcasing the characters' dedication and creativity. It sets the stage for future developments in Elvis' career.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the behind-the-scenes preparations for a musical performance, with unique character dynamics and a mix of humor and introspection.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Elvis and the Colonel are portrayed with depth and passion for their work. Their collaboration and shared vision shine through in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Elvis and the Colonel's relationship evolves as they plan the grand musical performance, showcasing a deeper understanding and collaboration between the two characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear of being himself and embrace his identity as a great artist. He grapples with the idea of living up to the expectations of being Elvis Presley.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to put together a successful international tour with Mr. Hulett, ensuring it is a great show that will draw in audiences and cover the costs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a sense of tension between financial concerns and artistic ambitions, the overall tone of the scene is positive and focused on creative collaboration.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Colonel challenging Elvis's fears and pushing him to embrace his true self, adding tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high as Elvis and the Colonel plan a grand musical performance that could impact Elvis' career and reputation. The success of the show is crucial for their future endeavors.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting the stage for a significant musical event and highlighting the characters' dedication and creativity. It paves the way for future developments in Elvis' career.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the characters' goals and interactions, but the humor and unexpected twists add an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity and fear of failure. Colonel challenges Elvis to embrace his true self and not be afraid to take risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of excitement and anticipation for the upcoming musical performance. The characters' passion for their work resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, revealing the characters' personalities and their excitement for the upcoming musical performance. It drives the scene forward and sets the tone for the collaboration between Elvis and the Colonel.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between characters, the humor, and the underlying tension of achieving success in the music industry.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character development that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of goals, maintaining engagement and coherence.


Critique
  • The exposition dump delivered by Colonel about them working out the bugs with Barbara Streisand feels out of place. The line "It ate her alive" has a fun macabre play on words, but the overall idea could be cut without losing anything in the scene.
  • The use of the word "boobs" is highly inappropriate and should be changed to a less demeaning term.
  • The "snowman" reference feels shoehorned into the scene and is somewhat confusing. The metaphor is lost as the Colonel then goes on to describe an expansion that includes several countries and continents.
  • The line "Straight to the Rock of Eternity" is awkward and unclear. The reference to the Rock of Eternity from the Shazam comics is unnecessary and distracting.
  • The use of the word "hound dogs" is repetitive and not very creative. Coming up with something different to describe the stuffed animals would add some variety to the writing.
  • The scene ends abruptly with no closure or indication of how the rehearsal went. The transition to the next scene could be smoother with a brief description of the rehearsal's outcome.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The Colonel and Elvis are in complete agreement about the need for a big show. This could be an opportunity to explore potential obstacles or concerns, making the scene more dynamic.
  • The dialogue feels a bit unnatural and forced in places. The characters could be given more distinct voices and motivations to make their interactions more engaging.
  • The scene doesn't seem to advance the plot in any meaningful way. The discussion about the upcoming tour and the need for a big show could be condensed to create a tighter pace.
  • The scene doesn't fully utilize the setting of the International Hotel. The grandeur and opulence of the venue could be used to create a more immersive and visually interesting scene.
Suggestions
  • Remove the exposition dump about Barbara Streisand.
  • Change the word "boobs" to a less demeaning term, such as "tourists" or "visitors".
  • Rework the "snowman" metaphor to make it more clear and effective, or consider removing it altogether.
  • Replace the line "Straight to the Rock of Eternity" with something more appropriate, such as "all the way to the top" or "to the ends of the Earth".
  • Come up with a more creative and varied way to describe the stuffed animals, such as "plush pooches" or "giant canine companions".
  • Add a brief description of the outcome of the rehearsal to provide closure and a smoother transition to the next scene.
  • Introduce a conflict or obstacle to create tension and make the scene more dynamic. This could be something as simple as a disagreement over the budget or a concern about Elvis' health.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and character-driven. Give the characters distinct voices and motivations, and make sure their interactions feel organic.
  • Consider adding a subplot or character arc to give the scene more depth and emotional resonance.
  • Explore ways to incorporate the setting of the International Hotel into the scene. This could involve describing the opulent décor, the bustling crowd, or the behind-the-scenes preparations.



Scene 30 -  Colonel's Marketing Efforts and Elvis' Energetic Rehearsal
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - DAY

Colonel, Diskin at his side, watches as a crane places a
GIANT, GLITTERING “ELVIS!” MARQUEE.

He turns to gangster GOOCHERA and businessman MEYER KOHN.

COLONEL
If you don’t sell any tickets,
don’t blame me none; even the
gophers in the desert will know
about this show!
135.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - DAY

ELVIS
Now Inspirations, on the answer.
(sings)
That’s all right!

SWEET INSPIRATIONS
(sing)
That’s all right!

ELVIS
(sings)
That’s all right!

SWEET INSPIRATIONS
(sing)
That’s all right!

ELVIS
Boys?

IMPERIALS
(sing)
That’s all right!

ELVIS
With me.

ALL
(sing)
Any way you do!

He turns to the Memphis Mafia.

ELVIS
What are you looking at back
there?

He takes a sip of water, then throws the rest at the
Mafia. He turns around and sees Charlie Hodge bugging
James Burton.

ELVIS
Hey Charlie, get back, he ain’t
gonna teach you the guitar in five
minutes.

Guitar joins.

ELVIS
Play it James! Horns? Ba-da-da, ba-
da-dow!

Horns join.
136.


INT./EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - DAY

As rehearsal builds, INTERSPERSE SNAPSHOTS of Colonel’s
marketing madness: hats, bunting, billboards. Radio ads
simply repeating, “Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!”

Colonel oversees the installation of an endless army of
GIANT, STUFFED HOUND DOGS!

COLONEL
They need to be bigger!


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - LATER

Diskin presents Colonel with a bigger hound dog.

COLONEL
Still not big enough. Go bigger!


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - DAY

ELVIS
Up the octave!

They up the octave. Trumpets wail... As music builds,
Elvis throws in karate moves, experimenting with his
unique style of movement.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - FOYER - DAY

Just when we think the hound dogs can’t get any bigger...
Colonel stands in front of: “WORLD’S BIGGEST HOUND DOG!”


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - DAY

Rehearsal reaches new, dizzying peaks.

ELVIS
Bones, give me something strong on
the one.

Trombones join. Elvis walks over to RONNIE TUTT.

ELVIS
Alright, take it home, brother. Do
it to me. Come on.

Drums go wild. Elvis wiggles in rhythm, as Ron Tutt's
thunderous drum solo from outer space begins...
137.


EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - NIGHT

THE “ELVIS!” MARQUEE. Rich and famous alight from limos.
MERCHANDISE SELLERS hawk to CROWDS.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

The drum solo, LOUDER and LOUDER. MASSIVE BRASS CHORDS.

Elvis and his entourage walk around the back of the
stage, he tunes his guitar. Elvis takes a moment,
summoning all his strength.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

To deafening applause, the ornate showroom explodes into
a million flashbulbs as Elvis takes the stage and
launches into a super-fast up-tempo vocal:

ELVIS
(sings)
Well, that's all right, mama,
That's alright for you,
That's alright, mama, any way you
do...

In one booth, Colonel sits with stoic Goochera and Meyer
Kohn. In another, Priscilla, next to a proud Vernon and
Dee.


INT. JUKE JOINT - NIGHT (1947)

The juke joint’s on fire to Arthur Crudup, leaving no
doubt as to the influence on Elvis on stage.

BIG BOY CRUDUP
(sings)
Well, my mama, she done told me,
Papa told me, too,
‘This life you're living, son, now
women be the death of you,’ now
that's alright.

YOUNG ELVIS’ EYE peers in through the peephole.


INT. SUN RECORDS - STUDIO - NIGHT (1954)

19-year-old Elvis rocks out with Scotty and Bill.

ELVIS
(sings)
But that's all right,
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
138.
CONTINUED:
ELVIS (CONT'D)
That's all right now, mama, any
way you do...


INT. JUKE JOINT - DAY (1947)

BIG BOY CRUDUP
(sings)
Now, if you don’t want me, why not
tell me so?
You won’t be bothered with me
round your house no more.

Young Elvis mouths the words.


INT. SUN RECORDS - STUDIO - NIGHT (1954)

CLOSE ON 19-year-old Elvis, singing the words.

ELVIS
(sings)
But that's all right, that's all
right...
That's all right now, mama, any
way you do...
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary Colonel supervises the installation of promotional materials for Elvis' concert, including a massive marquee and stuffed hound dogs. Inside, Elvis practices with his band, refining his distinctive singing and karate moves. The Colonel convenes with significant figures to observe the rehearsal. The scene concludes with Elvis ascending the stage and commencing a song.
Strengths
  • Captivating musical performances
  • Emotional depth
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel repetitive or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally resonant, and showcases the essence of Elvis Presley's musical legacy. It effectively captures the energy and drama of his performances.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Elvis' return to the stage, the marketing strategies employed, and the emotional depth of his music are well-executed and captivating.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Elvis' rehearsal and performance at the International Hotel, showcasing his musical prowess and the dynamics within his entourage.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a fresh approach to depicting a live performance, with unique character interactions and a focus on the behind-the-scenes preparations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elvis, the Colonel, and Priscilla, are well-developed and contribute to the emotional and dramatic elements of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis experiences growth and determination as he prepares for his performance, showcasing his commitment to his art and personal journey.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to showcase his unique style and talent in front of a live audience, seeking validation and recognition for his artistry.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to put on a successful show and attract a large audience, ensuring the financial success of the event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Elvis regarding his career choices and external conflict in the form of the Colonel's marketing strategies.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the pressure to put on a successful show and the challenges faced in the entertainment industry.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve Elvis' reputation, career trajectory, and personal fulfillment, adding tension and significance to his performance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by highlighting Elvis' return to the stage, his musical evolution, and the challenges he faces in the industry.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions and the high-energy performance.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the commercialization of art and the pressure to conform to audience expectations while maintaining artistic integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Elvis' passionate performance, the nostalgia of his music, and the dynamics between the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reflects the excitement and tension surrounding Elvis' performance and the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, colorful characters, and high stakes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, leading up to the climactic performance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene transitions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and excitement leading up to the performance.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and lacks focus. It tries to cover too much ground, from the Colonel's marketing madness to Elvis' rehearsal to the performance itself. As a result, it feels disjointed and unfocused.
  • The dialogue is often stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk. This makes it difficult for the reader to connect with the characters and the story.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There is no real obstacle that Elvis has to overcome, so the reader doesn't feel invested in the outcome. As a result, the scene feels flat and uninteresting.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The reader is left hanging, wondering what happens next. This is because the scene doesn't have a clear resolution. It simply stops, leaving the reader feeling dissatisfied.
  • The scene is too focused on Elvis. The other characters are underdeveloped and don't have much to do. This makes the scene feel one-dimensional and uninteresting.
Suggestions
  • Break the scene into smaller, more focused scenes. Each scene should have a clear purpose and focus on a specific event or conflict.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that people actually talk.
  • Add tension and conflict to the scene. Give Elvis an obstacle that he has to overcome. This will make the scene more interesting and engaging for the reader.
  • Give the scene a clear resolution. The reader should know what happens at the end of the scene. This will make the scene more satisfying.
  • Develop the other characters in the scene. Give them more to do and say. This will make the scene more interesting and well-rounded.



Scene 31 -  Elvis's Explosive Performance and High-Stakes Contract Negotiations
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT (1969)

ELVIS
(sings)
Dee dee dee dee, Dee dee dee dee,
Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee
Dee dee doo, well, that's alright,
that's alright...


INT. JUKE JOINT/SUN STUDIOS/SHOWROOM - SPLIT SCREEN

The three performers across time now appear in a ‘70s-
style split screen. All now merge into the BIG FINISH!

BIG BOY CRUDUP/19-YEAR-OLD
ELVIS/34-YEAR-OLD ELVIS
(sing)
That's all right now, mama, any
way you do!
That's all right now, mama, any
way you do!


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

The audience erupts. Even Kohn and Goochera cannot
contain their excitement as we SETTLE ON the Colonel.
(CONTINUED)
139.
CONTINUED:

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
He put everything he knew about
music into that show.

Elvis banters with the audience between numbers.

COLONEL
Ain’t nobody gonna do a better
show than that! If I was you, I’d
book him for the next hundred
years!

KOHN
Well, no better time than the
present.

GOOCHERA
We’d like to make him part of the
family, Colonel.

There is something chilling beneath Goochera’s bonhomie.

COLONEL
Well, I think Mr. Presley could be
persuaded to make the
International his home...

Suddenly, Elvis calls for a spotlight on Colonel.
Colonel waves to the audience, and with the spotlight
still on him, he says out of the side of his mouth:

COLONEL
Providing of course, he was paid
pretty well.

KOHN
What did you have in mind?

Colonel takes out his pen with a flourish as Elvis moves
into "Suspicious Minds."

ELVIS
(sings)
We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much, baby
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I
say?

COLONEL
Well, for an attraction as
tremendous as Mr Presley...


(CONTINUED)
140.
CONTINUED: (2)

As we INTERCUT with Elvis’ intensifying physical routine,
Colonel scrawls directly onto the tablecloth: "ELVIS
PRESLEY, $500,000 PER ENGAGEMENT FOR FIVE YEARS...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I couldn’t let him leave. I had to
keep him home, keep him safe.

ELVIS
(sings)
We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds...

...1969 - 1970 - 1971 - 1972 - 1973 = $5,000,000 PLUS
$100,000 SIGNING BONUS.”

COLONEL
That’s what my boy would expect.

Colonel presents the pen to Kohn who considers, signs the
tablecloth, and hands the pen back.

COLONEL
Now what are you going to pay me?

KOHN
If there’s one thing I’ve learned,
it’s never bet against the
Colonel. Your sideshow is the
jackpot.

Kohn can’t help admire the Colonel’s unfailing chutzpah
as he scribbles on a COCKTAIL NAPKIN, shows it to
Goochera, who nods, and then slides it over to Colonel...

It reads, "THE UNDERSIGNED, COLONEL TOM PARKER, IS A
'SPECIAL GUEST' OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOTEL. HE HAS
UNLIMITED CREDIT AT ALL TABLES."

Colonel signs the napkin and snatches it up, before
easing himself out of the booth.

COLONEL
Oh, and of course I’ll reserve the
right to sell calendars, pictures
and such on the side.

Kohn rolls his eyes, and nods.

Colonel crocodiles through the audience, eyes locked on
Elvis' incredible performance. Entering the wings, he
sees Jerry between vaulting curtains, staring at the
apparition of Elvis. Colonel places a hand on Jerry's
shoulder and he turns around.
(CONTINUED)
141.
CONTINUED: (3)

JERRY
Elvis really wants to announce
tonight.

The Colonel peers at Jerry and raises a finger.

COLONEL
An announcement?

JERRY
The tour, at the press conference.
He’s gonna set E.P. up with his
own plane.

COLONEL
Or perhaps a rocket ship?

Jerry half-laughs at Colonel’s strange joke. Without
taking his eyes off Elvis, Colonel leans in:

COLONEL
Just one thing. Keep in mind...
security. Security.

JERRY
Hulett knows what he’s doing.

Colonel fades back to join Diskin at the legs of the
proscenium, the red floor lights flickering on them both.

ELVIS
(sings)
We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much, baby

Colonel halts abruptly, cane before his eyes, staring
inward. Suddenly, intense:

COLONEL
Diskin, have we discussed with Mr.
Hulett? Pertaining to the death
threats?

DISKIN
(unsure)
Death threats?

Colonel unconsciously taps his cane, deep in thought.

COLONEL
(mouthing the words)
Death threats...
142.
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Elvis delivers a captivating split-screen duet performance with his younger self and Big Boy Cruddup, leaving the audience in awe. Simultaneously, the Colonel negotiates a lucrative long-term contract for Elvis's performances at the International Hotel with Kohn and Goochera. The Colonel drives a hard bargain, demanding a $500,000-per-engagement fee for five years, unlimited credit at the hotel, and the right to sell merchandise. Amidst the excitement, concerns about Elvis's security arise due to death threats, leading to discussions between the Colonel and Diskin. The scene concludes with the Colonel securing favorable terms for Elvis, while also addressing his safety.
Strengths
  • Engaging negotiation process
  • Powerful musical performance by Elvis
  • Tension-filled interactions between characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, excitement, and reflection. It effectively captures the pivotal moment of securing a significant deal while showcasing Elvis' talent.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of negotiating a high-stakes deal in the music industry is compelling and well-executed. It highlights the business side of Elvis' career and the Colonel's role in shaping his success.

Plot: 9

The plot is dynamic and engaging, focusing on the negotiation process and Elvis' performance. It keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the deal and the characters' motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the music industry and the behind-the-scenes negotiations that shape an artist's career. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elvis and the Colonel, are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis and the Colonel both undergo subtle changes in their dynamic as they navigate the negotiation process. Their decisions and interactions hint at evolving relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal in this scene is to maintain his artistic integrity and passion for music while navigating the business side of the industry. He desires to continue performing and connecting with his audience, but also wants to ensure his financial security and success.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to secure a lucrative contract with the International Hotel and negotiate favorable terms for his performances. He wants to establish a long-term partnership that benefits both parties.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis, the Colonel, and the hotel executives adds intensity to the scene. The negotiation process and differing priorities create tension and drive the plot forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and power dynamics at play between the characters. The audience is kept on edge as they witness the negotiations and the high stakes involved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Elvis and the Colonel negotiate a multimillion-dollar deal that could shape Elvis' career and future. The outcome has far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing a pivotal moment in Elvis' career and the impact of the deal on his future. It sets the stage for new developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the negotiations and the shifting dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they anticipate the outcome of the deal.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between artistic integrity and commercial success. Elvis must balance his passion for music with the demands of the industry and the expectations of his business partners.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement during Elvis' performance to tension during the negotiation. The reflective moments add depth and nostalgia.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, reflecting the tension and negotiation tactics employed by the characters. It effectively conveys their personalities and goals.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines musical performances, business negotiations, and interpersonal dynamics to create a dynamic and compelling narrative. The interactions between the characters and the high stakes of the negotiations keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and musical performances that maintain the audience's interest and drive the narrative forward. The rhythm of the scene adds to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. It enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between different locations and characters to advance the plot. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is very long and detailed. While the Elvis/Big Boy Crudup performance is well-written and exciting, the subsequent discussion between the Colonel, Kohn, and Goochera is overly detailed and could be streamlined to keep the pace of the scene moving.
  • The dialogue between the Colonel and Jerry is a bit repetitive, and it could be shortened to make the scene more concise.
  • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, but it's not clear what will happen next. This could be addressed by adding a line or two of dialogue to foreshadow the upcoming conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the dialogue between the Colonel, Kohn, and Goochera to make the scene more concise.
  • Try to vary the dialogue between the Colonel and Jerry to make it more interesting.
  • Add a line or two of dialogue to foreshadow the upcoming conflict at the end of the scene.



Scene 32 -  Elvis' Intense Performance Amid Personal Struggles
FLASH FORWARD INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM -
NIGHT

A door cracks ajar to reveal a Showroom menu on the floor
outside. The photo of Elvis’ face is scratched out.
Scrawled across it: “I am going to kill you.”

END FLASH FORWARD.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

Back in the present, Elvis has the audience spellbound,
as he repeats the final verse over and over...

ELVIS
(sings)
We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much, baby

A tap from the Colonel’s cane sends us into a stylized,
operatic bubble of Suspicious Minds.


FLASH FORWARD INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

Elvis, in a different jumpsuit, is performing ‘Never Been
to Spain.’ FOUR MEN charge the stage, sending Elvis to
one knee, reaching for a holster in his boot. The Memphis
Mafia rush to stop him, dragging him from the stage.

The crowd applauds, thinking it is part of the show,
until Elvis returns.

ELVIS
I’m sorry ladies and gentleman.
I’m sorry I didn’t break his
goddam neck! If he wants to shake
my hand I’m fine, if he wants to
get tough I’ll whoop his ass...

Elvis charges into ‘Polk Salad Annie.’

END FLASH FORWARD.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

The audience cheers Elvis, as Suspicious Minds reaches
its thundering climax. As the stage lights drop to black,
the reaction is rapturous.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
That night he went from a man, to
a god...
(CONTINUED)
143.
CONTINUED:

From his vantage point by the stage, Colonel looks over
to Priscilla, sat with Vernon and his new wife, Dee.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
She had never seen him perform
live, and in her face I saw a
familiar expression. The same fear
I had seen in the face of his
mother. The realization that he no
longer belonged to her...

Dee turns to Pricilla, almost yelling amidst the fervor.

DEE
You must see this all the time!

But a clearly astonished Priscilla is slow to respond, a
thought dawning on her.

PRISCILLA
Never...

DEE
Never what?

PRISCILLA
I've never seen him perform a live
show before.

DEE
You're the lucky one, you get to
take him home!


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
Yes, he was once again Elvis,
making love to a live audience.

More cheers.

ELVIS
(sings)
Wise men say, only fools rush
in...
But I can't help falling in love
with you...
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin...
If I can't help falling in love
with you?




(CONTINUED)
144.
CONTINUED:

The Colonel has moved back into the auditorium. Leaning
down from the stage to kiss a woman in the audience,
Elvis looks up and connects with Colonel. They share a
smile; once again great together.

Elvis unexpectedly walks down into the audience, as if
offering himself as sacrifice. Colonel directs security
to throw an instant ring around Elvis.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
That’s what was great about Elvis.
He’d get an idea and take it to
the rock of eternity...

Placing his hands on Elvis’ waist, the Colonel guides
Elvis through the melée and an orgy of kisses.

Colonel shares a look with Priscilla.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
In this, his greatest moment, she
could see the nature of his love.
A love that we mere mortals could
only glimpse from the shadows.

Gifting Elvis back to his audience, Colonel saunters back
through the showroom in a victory lap.

ELVIS
(sings)
For I can't help falling in love
with you...

The enormous golden curtain falls. The crowd rises in
unrestrained adoration, while Jerry guides Priscilla,
Vernon, and Dee backstage.

JERRY
He did it! Next stop: the world!

Priscilla manages an insecure smile.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Behind the curtain, the Memphis Mafia gather around and
swathe Elvis in towels, moving him towards Jerry,
Priscilla, Vernon, and Dee. The Colonel looks on from the
shadows on the other side of the stage. Priscilla
unabashedly throws her arms around Elvis.

PRISCILLA
I don't know who that was out
there, but I sure am glad I'm
married to him.

(CONTINUED)
145.
CONTINUED:

Elvis looks up and can see his father, proud and beaming.
Vernon’s warm and steady hands clasp his.

VERNON
Son, Mama was looking down on you,
clapping and celebrating with all
of us.

DEE
Oh, you were wonderful! Do you
mind signing these for my boys?

But Elvis is staring towards the Colonel, isolated,
alone. Priscilla, sensitive to this:

PRISCILLA
Mr Presley... I see that’s your
new manager over there.

With this, she and Jerry guide Vernon and Dee away.

PRISCILLA
We’ll see you at the party.

But Elvis has already begun to cross the stage.

COLONEL
Tremendous triumph, greatest show
on earth! My dear boy, this
brainchild came from you and me.
But you above it all made it work
with your talent and dedication.
We did it, my boy. We did it.

ELVIS
We did it. I can’t wait to show
the world what you and I can do.

Colonel's eyes drift towards the napkin gripped in his
hand. Like Judas clutching 30 pieces of silver...

COLONEL
Yes, the world will see your show.
I guarantee it. Whatever I have to
do I will carry it out... Whatever
it takes.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... As long as they bought a
ticket to Vegas.
Genres: ["Musical","Biographical","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a flash forward of a threatening note outside Elvis' room, then cuts to Elvis performing 'Suspicious Minds' in the present. A future flash forward shows Elvis fighting on stage during 'Never Been to Spain', followed by his return to the show. Elvis finishes 'Suspicious Minds' to a rapturous applause, while struggling to balance his personal and professional life. The main conflict is not directly resolved, but Elvis' performance suggests he's dealing with it. The tone is intense and emotional, with a mix of fear, aggression, and adoration. Key dialogue includes Elvis' threat to 'whoop' someone's ass, Priscilla's realization that she's never seen Elvis perform live, and Vernon's pride in his son. Significant visual elements include the threatening note, Elvis' on-stage fight, and his connection with the audience and Colonel.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Powerful performances
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing without prior knowledge of Elvis' life and career

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up a significant turning point in Elvis' career and personal life.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing Elvis' live performance, inner conflicts, and relationships with key characters is executed brilliantly.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on Elvis' performance, conflicts, and relationships, leading to a satisfying resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the behind-the-scenes dynamics of a live performance, with a focus on the personal struggles and sacrifices of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis, Priscilla, and Colonel, are well-defined and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant emotional journey, from triumph to introspection, leading to a decision to part ways with Colonel.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and professionalism despite facing personal threats and challenges. This reflects his need to uphold his image and reputation as a performer.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to successfully complete his live performance and entertain the audience, despite facing interruptions and security concerns.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis and the mysterious figure, as well as internal conflicts, adds tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elvis facing personal threats, security concerns, and internal conflicts that challenge his performance and relationships.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with Elvis facing personal and professional challenges that could impact his future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing a pivotal moment in Elvis' career and personal life.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interruptions and conflicts that arise during Elvis' performance. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the sacrifices and compromises Elvis must make to maintain his fame and success. It challenges his values of authenticity and personal integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially during Elvis' performance and interactions with Priscilla and Colonel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and dynamic interactions between characters. The audience is drawn into the drama and suspense of the live performance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic performance and emotional resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax during the performance, and resolution in the aftermath. It effectively transitions between flashbacks and present moments.


Critique
  • The scene suffers from a lack of focus and a lack of clear stakes. The scene starts with Elvis being threatened with a note on his door, but this is quickly forgotten and the scene becomes more about his successful show and the Colonel's pride in him.
  • There is very little character development or interaction in the scene. The characters go through the motions of having a conversation, but they don't really say anything that is particularly revealing or insightful.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't really sound like the way that real people would talk.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot, and it could be cut without really losing anything from the story.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear focus and a set of stakes. What is at stake for the characters, and what do they want to achieve?
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more specific goals and motivations. What do they want, and why do they want it?
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Consider cutting the scene if it doesn't really advance the plot.



Scene 33 -  Elvis Presley's Post-Show Press Conference at the International Hotel: A Night of Reflection, Humor, and Camaraderie
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - PRESS CONFERENCE - LATER

The post-show press conference. Elvis glows with pride in
an all-black ensemble as he is introduced to the room:
(CONTINUED)
146.
CONTINUED:

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elvis
Presley.

The room applauds.

ELVIS
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Gentlemen, how are ya? Would you
like me to sit down? First of all,
I plead innocent of all charges!

Laughter from the reporters. Elvis sits down.

REPORTER
We love you Elvis!

ELVIS
Thank you dear, I love you too.
Thank you.

REPORTER
Mr Presley, why do you think
you've outlasted every other
entertainer from the fifties and
for that matter the sixties as
well?

ELVIS
I take vitamin E. Uh no, no I was
only kidding. I don’t know. I just
embarrassed myself, man. Uh I
don't know dear. I just enjoy the
business. I like what I'm doing

REPORTER
Are you satisfied with the image
you've established?

ELVIS
Well, the image is one thing and
the human being is another, you
know, so...

REPORTER
How close does it come? How close
does the image come to the man?

ELVIS
It's very hard to live up to an
image, you know, I'll put it that
way.

REPORTER
How does your wife feel about you
being a sex symbol again?
(CONTINUED)
147.
CONTINUED: (2)

ELVIS
I don't know... you would have to
ask her.

REPORTER
Elvis, what finally made you come
out of seclusion and decide to
make personal appearances again?

ELVIS
I just missed it. I missed the
closeness of an audience, of a
live audience. So just as soon as
I got out of the movie contracts,
I started to do live performances
again.

REPORTER
Will you be continuing to do more
live work in the future?

ELVIS
I think so. There's so many places
I haven't been yet. I'd like to go
to Europe, I'd like to go to Japan
and all those places. I've never
been out of the country except in
the service, you know.

LORD SUTCH
One million pounds sterling to
make two appearances at the
Wembley Empire Stadium in England!

ELVIS
(gesturing to
Colonel)
You'll have to ask him about that.

COLONEL
Just put down the deposit.

REPORTER
How do you feel about being called
the ‘King of Rock and Roll’?

ELVIS
No, I’m not the King.

Elvis scans the room.

ELVIS
Fats! Hey man; come up here, would
you?

As Fats Domino makes his way up...
(CONTINUED)
148.
CONTINUED: (3)

ELVIS
Mr. Fats Domino, ladies and
gentleman. This is the real king
of rock n roll!

As Fats reaches Elvis, Elvis puts an arm around him.

ELVIS
He was a real big influence on me.

FLASHES light up a beaming Fats and Elvis.
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama","Music"]

Summary In this upbeat and friendly scene, Elvis Presley holds a post-show press conference at the International Hotel, where he is asked about his longevity, image, and personal life. He expresses a desire to perform in Europe and Japan, and Lord Sutch offers him a large sum to perform in England. Elvis humorously interacts with the reporters, and introduces Fats Domino as the real 'King of Rock and Roll', creating a memorable and heartfelt moment.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Setting up anticipation for future developments
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures Elvis Presley's charm and charisma, setting the stage for his comeback. The dialogue is engaging, and the interactions between characters are intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Elvis Presley returning to live performances after a period of seclusion is compelling and sets up anticipation for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Elvis Presley's decision to return to live performances and his interactions with the press and fellow musicians. It sets the stage for potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the life of a celebrity and the challenges they face in balancing public expectations with personal authenticity. The dialogue feels authentic and true to the character of Elvis Presley.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elvis Presley is portrayed as humble, humorous, and respectful, showcasing his complex personality. The supporting characters add depth to the scene and hint at potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 5

While there are subtle hints at character growth, such as Elvis's reflection on his image and future aspirations, the scene is more about setting up the narrative than significant character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his public image and reputation while also expressing his true feelings and thoughts. He wants to come across as genuine and relatable to the audience, despite the pressures of fame and celebrity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address the questions from the reporters and promote his upcoming performances. He wants to engage with the audience and maintain their interest in his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there are hints of potential conflicts, such as Elvis's reluctance to be called the 'King of Rock and Roll' and the pressure of returning to live performances, the scene is more focused on setting up the narrative.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is relatively mild, with the reporters posing challenging questions but ultimately engaging in a friendly and respectful manner. The audience is left wondering how Elvis will navigate the pressures of fame and public scrutiny.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on Elvis Presley's personal reflections and interactions with the press and fellow musicians. However, it sets the stage for potential conflicts and challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Elvis Presley's return to live performances, hinting at potential conflicts and character arcs. It sets up anticipation for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected moments of humor, the candid responses from Elvis, and the spontaneous interactions with the reporters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between maintaining a public image and being true to oneself. Elvis grapples with the expectations placed on him as a celebrity and the desire to be authentic and honest with his fans.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and hope as Elvis Presley reflects on his career and future plans. It sets a positive tone for his comeback.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the tone of the scene and sets up future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between Elvis and the reporters, the humor and wit in the dialogue, and the authenticity of the character's emotions and responses.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of humor, drama, and sincerity. The rhythm of the dialogue and interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the character's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear dialogue, character actions, and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a press conference scene, with the introduction of the protagonist, interaction with reporters, and moments of humor and sincerity. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction. It begins with Elvis answering questions about his longevity and image, but then shifts to his desire to perform in Europe and Japan, and ends with Elvis introducing Fats Domino as the 'real King of Rock and Roll'. These elements feel disjointed and don't contribute to a cohesive narrative.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationships. Most of the questions from the reporters are generic and don't provide opportunities for Elvis to share meaningful insights or opinions.
  • The scene doesn't provide any insight into Elvis' personal life or struggles. While he briefly mentions missing the closeness of a live audience, this is not explored in depth and doesn't add much to our understanding of the character.
  • The introduction of Fats Domino feels like an abrupt and unnecessary diversion. While it's a nice gesture to acknowledge Domino's influence on Elvis, it doesn't advance the plot or contribute to the overall theme of the scene.
  • The scene ends without any clear resolution or sense of closure. Elvis doesn't make any significant announcements or decisions, and the reporters' questions are left unanswered.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving the scene a clearer focus and direction. What is the main point you want to convey about Elvis at this stage in his career?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more engaging and revealing. Give the reporters more specific and thought-provoking questions that allow Elvis to share his insights and opinions.
  • Explore Elvis' personal life and struggles in more depth. What are his fears, doubts, and aspirations? How do these affect his decision-making?
  • Consider removing the introduction of Fats Domino or finding a more organic way to incorporate it into the scene.
  • Give the scene a stronger sense of closure by having Elvis make a significant announcement or decision, or by having the reporters' questions lead to a meaningful discussion.



Scene 34 -  Colonel's Decision and Elvis's Paranoia
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - COLONEL’S SUITE - MORNING

Hotel staff unload boxes of merchandise onto the table,
as Colonel points to the brick-a-brack displayed
throughout his vast new offices. He turns to Jerry:

COLONEL
I snowed them, I snowed these
hotel people! Not just for the
office but the entire floor for
Jamboree Attractions. We’re
setting up shop.

JERRY
(incredulous)
But I thought we were going on
tour in two weeks...

Colonel’s face suddenly darkens, as a rage unlike any
other comes upon him. He spits with terrifying vitriol:

COLONEL
Oh, the tour... have you thought
about security? Have you thought
about security? Security, Jerry!
SECURITY, SECURITY. There is
nothing more important than
security! Am I the only one who
ever thinks about Elvis’ security!
‘GODVERDOMME’

Furious, Colonel hurls his cane.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM - NIGHT

It’s late. Still buzzed from that night’s show, Elvis
swallows a handful of pills. He cradles the phone against
his ear, speaking softly as he did with Dixie, years ago.




(CONTINUED)
149.
CONTINUED:

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Little Lisa's so funny. She’s
figured out how to put the records
on herself and she has a great
ear. The first one she picked was
Sweet Caroline. She was trying to
sing along with it, but she didn’t
know any of the words. It was so
cute. You should have been there,
Satnin'. When are you coming home?

ELVIS
I don’t know, ‘Scilla. There’s a
lot going on. We just added a
couple extra shows a week, plus
more press calls. It’s a lot. I
gotta stay focused.


INT. GRACELAND - CONTINUOUS

Priscilla on the other side, crestfallen.

PRISCILLA
I know, baby. Just promise me
things’ll be different when we’re
on the tour.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The silence hangs in the air.

ELVIS
(to Priscilla)
I-- I gotta go. Will you give my
baby girl a big hug for me? Okay,
bye bye.

He hangs up the phone. A woman beside Elvis, DIANE (late
20s), stirs at the noise. She starts to get up.

ELVIS
Hey, stay with me.

Diane sits on the side of the bed.

DIANE
I have to go.

ELVIS
No you don’t.

DIANE
I really have to go.

(CONTINUED)
150.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
Don't leave me alone. Buntyn needs
a little extra lovin’ tonight.

Diane laughs. But then she sees that he's serious.

DIANE
What?

Elvis sits up. There's a thump upstairs.

ELVIS
What was that?

Fearful paranoia overtakes Elvis’ face. Diane starts to
pull on her clothes.

ELVIS
(to himself)
I don’t want no sonofabitch
walking around saying he killed
Elvis Presley...

DIANE
What did you say?

ELVIS
Nothing, baby...

Elvis checks behind the door and finds nothing there. He
regains his fragile composure.

ELVIS
C’mon baby, take your pants off.

DIANE
I have to go to work.

ELVIS
No you don’t, come sit down. Come
watch some television with me.

Diane starts to leave. Elvis’ words begin to slur as the
pills take effect.

ELVIS
You know, there’s a kind of bird I
read about somewhere, that don’t
have any legs... so it can’t land
on nothin’.

Diane doesn't know what to do.




(CONTINUED)
151.
CONTINUED: (2)

ELVIS
It lives its whole life on the
wing, and when it gets tired, it
just spreads its wings and goes to
sleep on the wind, and if it ever
does land, even but one time,
that’s when it dies. I just gotta
keep flying round and round.
(sings)
I’ll fly away, oh glory
I’ll fly away
When I die...

Elvis looks to Diane.

ELVIS
Hey, you want to fly away with me?

DIANE
I need to go.

ELVIS
Please stay.

But Diane grabs her shoes and exits. Elvis looks around
the room, scared. There's a KNOCK on his door.

ELVIS
I knew you'd come back.

No answer. He takes his gun, walks over to the door,
peers through the hole. An empty hall. He opens the door.
There's a showroom menu on the ground.

The photo of his face has been scratched out. Scrawled
across it: “I am going to kill you.”
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Colonel and Jerry discuss setting up shop at the International Hotel, while Elvis talks to Priscilla about his absence and busy schedule. Elvis's fear of being killed escalates when he finds a showroom menu outside his door with a threatening message. The scene is filled with tension, conflict, and fear, as Colonel's decision and Elvis's paranoia create a rift between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged and intense, providing a deep insight into Elvis' psyche. The mix of fear, paranoia, and longing creates a compelling atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Elvis' inner fears and vulnerabilities is executed effectively, adding depth to his character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Elvis' personal struggles and the potential threats he perceives, adding a layer of tension and suspense to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of fame and celebrity life, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elvis is portrayed with complexity, showcasing his emotional turmoil and vulnerability. Diane's brief appearance adds to the tension and highlights Elvis' need for connection.

Character Changes: 7

Elvis experiences a range of emotions in the scene, showcasing his vulnerability, fear, and longing for connection, leading to a deeper understanding of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his image and security in the face of potential threats and personal struggles.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the challenges of fame, touring, and personal relationships while maintaining his public persona.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Elvis, his fear of potential threats, and his longing for stability create a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal and external conflicts challenging the protagonist's goals and beliefs.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve Elvis' safety, mental well-being, and emotional stability, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Elvis' inner struggles and sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and character reactions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's desire for freedom and normalcy versus the demands and dangers of his celebrity status.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and empathy for Elvis, drawing the audience into his inner turmoil and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Elvis' inner thoughts and fears, as well as his attempt to reach out for comfort and connection.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional moments, suspenseful atmosphere, and relatable character struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing its impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, effectively building tension and emotional depth through its pacing and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts in the middle of a conversation between Colonel and Jerry without providing any context or establishing the setting. The reader is thrown into the scene without understanding what has been happening or where the characters are.
  • The dialogue between Colonel and Jerry is repetitive and lacks clear purpose. Colonel repeatedly emphasizes the importance of security without providing any specific reason or details, making it difficult to understand the urgency or severity of the situation.
  • The sudden outburst from Colonel, where he spits with rage and hurls his cane, feels over-the-top and out of character without proper buildup or motivation. The use of the term 'GODVERDOMME' is jarring and unnecessary, distracting the reader from the intended impact of the outburst.
  • The shift to Elvis' room in the second part of the scene is abrupt and confusing. It's unclear why the scene switches to Elvis' private space, and the connection to the previous conversation about security is not made clear.
  • Elvis' dialogue with Priscilla on the phone is emotionally distant and lacks genuine connection. He seems more focused on the business aspects of their relationship than on expressing affection or concern for her and their daughter.
  • The scene introduces a new character, Diane, without providing any context or background information. Her sudden appearance and her interaction with Elvis raise questions about her role and purpose in the story.
  • Elvis' paranoia and fear toward the end of the scene seem exaggerated and out of character. His reference to a bird that can't land and his rambling about flying away feel disjointed and confusing.
  • The final image of the showroom menu with Elvis' face scratched out and the threatening message is a weak attempt at creating suspense. The message lacks impact and does not effectively foreshadow any significant threat.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene by establishing the context and setting, providing the reader with a clear understanding of the time, place, and characters involved.
  • Refine the dialogue between Colonel and Jerry to make it more concise and focused. Provide specific details about the security concerns and the reasons behind Colonel's urgency.
  • Revise Colonel's outburst to make it more proportionate and believable. Build up to the moment of rage by showing the gradual escalation of tensions or providing a clearer motivation for his reaction.
  • Consider removing the shift to Elvis' room or finding a more organic way to transition between the two scenes. Establish a clear connection between the conversation about security and the personal issues Elvis is facing.
  • Rewrite Elvis' dialogue with Priscilla to make it more emotionally resonant. Show Elvis expressing genuine love and concern for his family, even while acknowledging the challenges of their situation.
  • Introduce Diane with more context and purpose. Provide information about her relationship to Elvis and her role in the story.
  • Tone down Elvis' paranoia and fear to make it more believable. Consider using more subtle hints or foreshadowing to create suspense without resorting to exaggerated or overly dramatic behavior.
  • Rework the ending to create a stronger impact. Consider using a more threatening or ominous message, or using visual imagery to convey the impending danger.



Scene 35 -  Elvis's Continued Performances Amidst Threats and Personal Struggles
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - DAWN

OFF the vaulting International Hotel marquee shimmering
in the golden light. Workmen lower the “ELVIS!” sign.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
He gave his all to the show, but
the threats on his life had left
him paranoid and exhausted.


INT. HOSPITAL (VEGAS) - DAY

Billy covers the windows with tin foil as we TRACK ACROSS
a Polaroid of Lisa Marie, holding a finger painting that
says "I miss you daddy!" taped to the mirror.


(CONTINUED)
152.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL (O.S.)
What is happening to law and
order! These radical hippies are
threatening and killing popular
entertainers...

The Colonel slaps down newspaper articles about the
Manson Family slaying of Sharon Tate.

COLONEL
Hulett’s security is not what it
needs to be and he knows it. An
international tour is out of the
question!

Elvis lies in the bed. Priscilla, Vernon, and Charlie
around him.

ELVIS
What are you talking about
Colonel? I ain’t gonna let any
sonofabitch push me off the stage.

He takes a handful of pills from Dr. Nick.

COLONEL
Precisely, you’re not one of
Hulett’s long-hair Zeppelins,
you’re Elvis Presley! And you are
beloved. I told him: ‘I need to
look Priscilla in the eye and
promise her that little Lisa’s
daddy will be safe.’

ELVIS
We gotta take this show to the
world. I can’t disappoint the
fans.

COLONEL
Well, if you want to book more
dates, we can do an American tour?
15-cities-in-15-days.

PRISCILLA
How's that going to be any safer?

COLONEL
Because here, I can handle every
aspect of security.

A darkly orchestral version of “Burning Love” slowly
builds...



(CONTINUED)
153.
CONTINUED: (2)

COLONEL
I'll get guarantees from every
mayor...


EXT. TARMAC - DAY

Elvis' jet taxis to a halt. “Burning Love” builds...

COLONEL (V.O.)
We’ll double the police
presence...


EXT. STREETS - DAY

A presidential-scale motorcade. Dozens of police cars,
sirens blaring. “Burning Love” continues.


EXT. VENUE - STAGE - NIGHT

COLONEL (V.O.)
You’ll have more security than the
President!

TWO ROWS OF COPS flank the stage. Elvis on stage
performing "Burning Love," jittery as hell.

ELVIS
(sings)
Lord almighty, I feel my
temperature rising.
Higher, higher, it’s burning
through to my soul.
Girl, girl, girl, you’re gonna set
me on fire...

A girl rushes the stage. The West cousins take her out.
Elvis shoots them a thumbs-up.

ELVIS
(sings)
My brain is flaming,
I don’t know which way to go...


INT. VENUE - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

COLONEL (V.O.)
We can have Sonny, Red and Charlie
hustle you to the motorcade...

Elvis being swooped into a car as “Burning Love” powers.
154.


INT. ELVIS' LIMO (AMIDST THE MOTORCADE) - NIGHT

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Elvis has left the building!

Elvis, squeezed between Memphis Mafia, gulps down pills.
He lies back, as Dr. Nick injects him.


EXT. TARMAC - NIGHT

CLOSE ON the Memphis Mafia as they usher Elvis from his
limousine and up the stairs of his waiting jet.

COLONEL (V.O.)
And when you’re on the plane,
safe, in the air, you'll rest...


INT. HOSPITAL (VEGAS) - DAY

Elvis slowly nods; so far, he is good with the plan.

ELVIS
And then we go international.

COLONEL
Yes, yes, the Tokyo Opera House!
But before that we’ll put on a
good show.
(to Charlie)
And do what, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Have a lot of fun.

COLONEL
Taking care of business.

VERNON
Taking care of business.

Nurse Tish places a wet cloth over Elvis’ eyes.


INT./EXT. TARMAC/MOTORCADE/VENUE/BACKSTAGE

We ENTER MULTI-SPLIT SCREEN as the cycle repeats in
Detroit, San Antonio, Jacksonville...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSED IMAGES: The International sign: "WELCOME
BACK FOR YOUR SECOND YEAR”...

(CONTINUED)
155.
CONTINUED:

Elvis performs karate against phantom attackers. The
number becomes more intense. We see Elvis performing,
practicing karate, bedding groupies.

ELVIS
(sings)
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning
love!

“THIRD YEAR”... Drugging, performing, groupies, drugging,
karate. It's clear he's not in the same reality.

We see Elvis change from jumpsuit to jumpsuit after each
refrain, moving forward through concert after concert in
one seamless performance.

The SPLIT SCREEN becomes a wall of TV monitors that
multiply until BANG! BANG! BANG!


INT. GRACELAND - BEDROOM/HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON jewelry being placed into a small valise. The
sound wakes Elvis, still in bed, groggy, discombobulated.
Priscilla, agitated, is packing.

ELVIS
What the hell are you doing?

She closes the valise and, without looking up:

PRISCILLA
I’m leaving.

ELVS
What time is it?

PRISCILLA
I wanted to wait for you to wake
up so we could talk about it, but
you’re never awake and you don’t
like to talk, so I’m leaving.

ELVIS
What do you mean leaving?

Elvis pulls himself out of bed.

PRISCILLA
I’m leaving this marriage, and I’m
taking Lisa with me.

Suddenly alarmed and defensive, Elvis follows her towards
the en suite bath.


(CONTINUED)
156.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
What is this about? Is this
about...
(looks for the right
word)
What happens on the road? You know
that means nothing to me.

He follows as Priscilla grabs her makeup off the vanity.

PRISCILLA
You think I care about the girls
you sneak in through the side
door?

She stops, looks down at the myriad bottles of
medication. She starts throwing them at Elvis.

PRISCILLA
It’s this... and this, and this,
and this. And those has-been
leeches sucking you dry. You’re
strung out!

ELVIS
Strung out? It’s my medicine. I’m
in the best shape of my life!

PRISCILLA
The best shape of your life? The
only time you're alive is when
you're on stage and in between,
you're a ghost. We can’t keep
waiting around for you like one of
your boys.

She heads into the hall, as Elvis chases after her.

ELVIS
I’ve given you everything you
could want!
Genres: ["Drama","Musical"]

Summary The scene starts with the removal of Elvis's sign from the International Hotel marquee, foreshadowing his waning fame. Inside a hospital room, Elvis, pressured by the Colonel, decides to perform despite threats, leading to a 15-city American tour with heightened security. Amidst the concert, Elvis performs 'Burning Love' backed by a presidential-scale motorcade and police officers. Post-performance, Elvis is injected with medication in his limo. The scene concludes with Priscilla announcing her departure from Elvis at Graceland, citing his drug use and neglect, creating tension and emotional distress.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the breakdown of Elvis and Priscilla's marriage amidst Elvis' career challenges and personal struggles, is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense, with significant developments in the relationship dynamics and Elvis' internal conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the life of a famous entertainer, exploring the personal struggles and public pressures faced by Elvis Presley. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis and Priscilla, are deeply explored, showing vulnerability, conflict, and growth.

Character Changes: 9

Both Elvis and Priscilla undergo significant changes in their relationship and personal lives during this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his image as a beloved entertainer and protect his family. He struggles with paranoia, exhaustion, and the pressure to perform despite threats on his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to continue performing and touring despite security concerns and personal issues. He wants to please his fans and maintain his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elvis and Priscilla, as well as Elvis' internal struggles, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from external threats, personal struggles, and interpersonal relationships. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Elvis faces the potential loss of his marriage and the challenges of his career.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial developments in the characters' arcs and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, challenging his beliefs, values, and identity. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle between his public persona as a beloved entertainer and his private struggles with addiction, paranoia, and family issues. The conflict challenges his values, identity, and sense of self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially sadness and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is raw, emotional, and reveals the inner turmoil of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines emotional depth, dramatic tension, and character conflict to create a compelling narrative. The high stakes, personal struggles, and showbiz glamour keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats that drive the story forward. The rhythm and flow of the scene enhance its effectiveness and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and scene transitions enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflict and dramatic tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a powerful hook, showing the removal of the "ELVIS!" sign and the newspaper articles about Manson's family's crimes, setting a grim and ominous tone.
  • The conflict is clearly established, with the Colonel and Vernon worried about Elvis' safety, while Elvis insists on performing despite the threats.
  • The dialogue is well-written, capturing the characters' emotions and motivations, especially Priscilla's frustration and Elvis' denial about his addiction.
  • The scene effectively conveys Elvis' paranoia and drug-induced state through the use of hallucinations and disorientation.
  • The use of split screens and montage is effective in showcasing Elvis' relentless performance schedule and his deteriorating mental and physical health.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Priscilla leaving Elvis, marking a turning point in their relationship and foreshadowing Elvis' decline.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more details about the security measures being taken, such as the number of police officers or the use of metal detectors, to emphasize the heightened security concerns.
  • Explore the emotional toll that the threats and Elvis' addiction are taking on Priscilla and the rest of the Memphis Mafia.
  • Expand on the hallucinations and disorientation experienced by Elvis to make them more visually impactful and emotionally resonant.
  • Consider including a moment where Elvis confronts his fears or doubts about his ability to continue performing safely, adding depth to his character.
  • Strengthen the emotional climax of the scene by giving more weight to Priscilla's decision to leave, exploring the complexities of their relationship and the impact of Elvis' addiction on their marriage.



Scene 36 -  Confrontations and Emotional Revelations at Graceland and the International Hotel
INT. GRACELAND - HALLWAY/STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS

As Priscilla descends the stairs, she turns on Elvis.

PRISCILLA
What I want is a husband. I am
your wife. I am your wife. Lisa is
your daughter, and she needs a
father. You know, I don’t remember
the last time that we laughed
together. When was the last time
we sat down and had dinner
together the three of us?
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
157.
CONTINUED:
PRISCILLA (CONT'D)
You don’t even make love to me
anymore. I’ve given you my life. I
have nothing left to give you.

This cuts deep, silencing Elvis.

ELVIS
Is there another man?

Priscilla says nothing. But her silence says everything.

ELVIS
I’ve lost you.

She stops, shakes her head.

PRISCILLA
We lost you a long time ago.

ELVIS
‘Scilla, do you still love me?

When she doesn’t answer, Elvis crumples on the stairs.

ELVIS
When you're forty and I'm fifty,
we'll be back together. You'll
see.

After a moment, both their defenses are down. She throws
her arms around him. They cling to each other, crying.

PRISCILLA
I have to go. If I stay now, I'll
never leave.

And with this, she's gone.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - COLONEL’S SUITE - DAY

Jerry confronts the infuriatingly blank Tom Diskin.

JERRY
This is killing him! Vegas, the
repetition. He needs to be on a
professionally-run international
tour. He needs time to rest
between shows, not rely on some
doctor to get him on stage every
night. You know what Elvis is like
when he has a challenge. He gets
fit, focused, gets off the pills.
Why won’t Colonel let him go
overseas?

(CONTINUED)
158.
CONTINUED:

DISKIN
Security, Jerry, you--

JERRY
(angrily cutting him
off)
That’s bullshit! The Colonels’ a
businessman, I get it, but what I
don’t get is why he’s killing his
greatest asset without a reason.
So, what’s the reason?

Diskin retreats behind his trademark bland expression.

DISKIN
I’m a little busy right now.

Reining in anger, Jerry leans forward, trying to connect.

JERRY
C’mon, Tom, we all owe E.P. for
taking us on this ride with him.
And I’ve seen you, standing in the
wings when he’s channeling that
gift. You think no one’s watching,
but it’s the only time I ever see
you smile; you love him as much as
the rest of us.

Diskin, for a moment, can’t look at Jerry.

JERRY
Tell me the reason.

DISKIN
(choosing words
carefully)
Colonel always has reasons. I’m
not always aware of them, but even
if I was, I wouldn’t be at liberty
to divulge personal information
about Mr. Parker.

A long moment. Jerry looks at him with cold, hard hatred.

JERRY
Y’all are killing Elvis Presley.

He rises to leave...
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Priscilla confronts Elvis about their distant relationship, leading to a heartbreaking confirmation of their marriage's end at Graceland. Simultaneously, Jerry discusses his concerns about Elvis's health and the Colonel's decisions regarding Elvis's career with Tom Diskin in the Colonel’s suite at the International Hotel. The scene is filled with emotional intensity, sadness, and anger, resulting in Priscilla leaving Elvis and Jerry storming out of the Colonel’s suite.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic character interactions
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, with strong dialogue and character interactions that draw the audience in. It effectively conveys the pain and turmoil within the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the deteriorating relationship between Elvis and Priscilla, as well as the internal struggles faced by those close to Elvis, is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the emotional turmoil within the characters and the tension surrounding Elvis's career and personal life. It moves the story forward by revealing key conflicts and character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of a troubled marriage, with genuine emotions and realistic dialogue. The characters' actions and interactions feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic. The scene allows for deep exploration of Elvis, Priscilla, and Jerry, showcasing their vulnerabilities and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases significant emotional changes in Elvis, Priscilla, and Jerry, as they confront their feelings and vulnerabilities. It marks a turning point in their relationships and personal journeys.

Internal Goal: 9

Priscilla's internal goal is to express her feelings of neglect, loneliness, and longing for connection in her marriage with Elvis. This reflects her deeper need for love, intimacy, and emotional fulfillment.

External Goal: 8

Priscilla's external goal is to confront Elvis about their failing marriage and make him realize the impact of his actions on their family. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing their relationship issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elvis and Priscilla, as well as the frustration felt by Jerry towards the Colonel, adds tension and drama to the scene. The emotional conflicts are palpable and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, desires, and beliefs driving the characters' interactions and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the potential breakdown of Elvis and Priscilla's marriage, as well as the impact on Elvis's career and personal well-being. The scene highlights the risks and consequences of their decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key conflicts and emotional dynamics that will likely impact future events. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of love, commitment, and communication in a marriage. Priscilla's belief in the importance of emotional connection clashes with Elvis' neglect and detachment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness and empathy for the characters. The raw and honest portrayal of the characters' struggles leaves a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters. It drives the emotional intensity of the scene and adds depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, compelling character dynamics, and relatable themes of love and loss.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact, allowing for moments of tension, reflection, and resolution to unfold effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is emotionally charged and captures the conflict between Elvis and Priscilla well, showcasing the deterioration of their relationship.
  • The dialogue is authentic and believable, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • However, the scene could benefit from a stronger visual element to enhance its impact. Consider incorporating specific details about the setting, such as the lighting, decor, or any notable props, to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • The scene's pacing could be improved by varying the sentence length and structure. For example, shorter, punchier sentences could be used to emphasize key moments, while longer, more descriptive sentences could provide context and build tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief description of the hallway and staircase where the conversation takes place. This could include details about the lighting, wallpaper, or any other visual elements that contribute to the scene's atmosphere.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the scene by incorporating specific gestures or body language into the characters' actions. For example, you could describe Elvis slumping against the wall or Priscilla wiping away tears.
  • To create a more dynamic rhythm, vary the sentence structure by alternating between short, impactful sentences and longer, more descriptive ones. This will help build tension and emphasize key moments in the dialogue.
  • Consider adding a specific visual element, such as a photograph or painting on the wall, that holds significance for Elvis and Priscilla. This could provide a tangible focal point for their conversation and add depth to the scene.



Scene 37 -  Revelations and Crisis: Jerry's Discovery and Elvis' Collapse
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - JERRY’S ROOM - NIGHT

It’s obviously the end of a long night. Jerry, coat off,
looking exhausted, enters his room.

(CONTINUED)
159.
CONTINUED:

He turns on the light and stops. On the bed, a single
envelope. He picks it up. It’s addressed to “Colonel Tom
Parker, Elvis Presley Fan Club, Memphis.” It’s been
stamped “Fan Mail,” and has already been opened.

Jerry takes out the letter and, as he begins to read, we
hear the sound of a young man speaking in lightly
accented English:

THEO JR. (V.O.)
Dearest Uncle Andreas, I hope this
letter finds you well. I did not
have an exact address, but after
reading the letter you sent to my
father, I felt that I must ask you
some questions. You write of
mistakes, ‘that someone may have
made without meaning to do so.’
Are these ‘mistakes’ the reason
you left Holland all those years
ago?


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

As we continue to hear the letter, Colonel walks into the
life-sized model of BREDA, as if reliving the past.

THEO JR. (V.O.)
People whisper that it was because
of the woman who was murdered the
night you disappeared. I do not
believe it, but please, why do you
not return home to clear our
family name...?

OLD COLONEL
(directly to us)
Is it fair that the mistake that
someone might have made without
meaning to do so, should damn them
for the rest of their lives? Yes,
I was born in Holland. People say
‘well why didn’t you say so?’ Well
I say they didn’t ask. I work, I
wake up at five A.M. every day for
one man only. I am taking care of
business.


INT. INTERNATIONAL - SERVICE CORRIDOR - NIGHT (1974)

An exhausted and slightly discombobulated Elvis, guided
by the Memphis Mafia, makes his way down the backstage
corridor of the International Hotel.

(CONTINUED)
160.
CONTINUED:

Jerry has drawn in behind. As they move forward he
urgently intones under his breath.

JERRY
He lied! There was never gonna be
an international tour because he
can’t leave the country. He
doesn’t have a passport, no
citizenship, no identity...

Elvis stops, unsteady, trying to comprehend.

JERRY (CONT’D)
He doesn’t exist...

ELVIS
What the hell are you talking
about, Jerry?

JERRY
There never was a Colonel Tom
Parker.

Before Jerry can get out the last line, Elvis collapses
to the ground. The mafia rush to his aid. Sonny and Red
hold staff at bay.

COLONEL (O.S.)
The only thing that matters is
that that man...

As Colonel charges in, Nurse Tish suppresses panic and
Dr. Nick holds Elvis’ head above a bucket of ice water.

COLONEL (CONT’D)
... gets on that stage tonight!

This is the exact IMAGE FROM THE OPENING.

NURSE TISH
If he was my son...

She glances to Vernon hiding meekly by the window.

NURSE TISH
I’d put him in the hospital.

Colonel's eyes bore into Elvis' father.

COLONEL
Of course, it’s a Presley
Enterprises decision, Vernon...

All eyes on him. After an eternity, he mumbles...


(CONTINUED)
161.
CONTINUED: (2)

VERNON
What can you do for him, Dr. Nick?

Dr. Nick pops open his BAG OF TRICKS. WE GLIMPSE: MEDS,
PILLS, SYRINGES. As Dr. Nick prepares an injection...
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Jerry finds a letter from a Dutch fan, Theo Jr., addressed to Colonel Tom Parker, triggering flashbacks revealing Parker's Dutch origins and decision to leave. In 1974, Jerry reveals to Elvis that Parker has no identity or citizenship, causing Elvis to collapse. The Memphis Mafia and medical staff attend to Elvis, while Parker insists he must perform. The scene ends with Vernon asking Dr. Nick for help, leaving the outcome uncertain.
Strengths
  • Revealing plot twist
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion for audience due to complex revelation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, revealing a major plot twist and setting up a significant conflict for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, uncovering the true identity of Colonel Tom Parker, is a pivotal moment in the story and adds depth to the character dynamics.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly with the revelation about Colonel Tom Parker, leading to a shift in the dynamics between the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on well-known historical figures and events, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are deeply affected by the revelation, especially Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker, showcasing their complex relationships and inner conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker, undergo significant changes as they come to terms with the truth revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal is to uncover the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and reveal it to Elvis. This reflects Jerry's desire for honesty and integrity in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure that Elvis gets on stage for his performance despite the revelation about Colonel Tom Parker. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining Elvis' career and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the revelation about Colonel Tom Parker, creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the truth about Colonel Tom Parker's identity, leading to potential consequences for their relationships and careers.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and setting up new conflicts for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about Colonel Tom Parker and the characters' reactions to them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of identity, loyalty, and truth. Colonel Tom Parker's true identity and the consequences of his actions challenge the characters' beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with characters facing difficult truths and making tough decisions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the emotions and tensions running high in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic revelations, and compelling character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and transitions that aid in the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that adds depth to the narrative and enhances the emotional impact of the characters' interactions.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Jerry entering his hotel room and finding a letter addressed to Colonel Tom Parker. This is a good way to hook the reader and create suspense, as it suggests that something important is about to happen.
  • The scene then cuts to Colonel walking into a life-sized model of BREDA, as if reliving the past. This is a confusing and disorienting transition, as it is not clear why Colonel is doing this or what it has to do with the rest of the scene.
  • The scene then cuts back to Elvis and his entourage walking down a backstage corridor. This is another confusing transition, as it is not clear why the scene has suddenly shifted back to Elvis and what has happened to Colonel.
  • Jerry then urgently tells Elvis that Colonel doesn't exist and that he has no passport, citizenship, or identity. This is a major revelation, and it is unclear why Jerry is only telling Elvis this now, after all these years.
  • Elvis collapses to the ground, and the scene ends with Colonel charging in and demanding that Elvis get on stage. This is a cliffhanger ending, but it is not clear what is going to happen next or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and it does not always make sense.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene is not clear and concise, and it is difficult to follow what is happening.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the scene to make it more clear and concise.
  • Add more details to the setting and characters to make them more believable.
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some tension and suspense to the scene.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.



Scene 38 -  Elvis' Drug-Fueled Rant: Accusations and Firing of Colonel Parker
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT

AN AMERICAN EAGLE CAPE SPREADS ITS RHINESTONE WINGS!

ELVIS
Glory! Glory!!! Halleluuuujah!!!

The eagle turns to REVEAL: Superhero Elvis reaching for
the final divine notes, spreading his wings up to God...

ELVIS
(sings)
His truuuuth is maaaarching
ooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!

The ballad crescendoes, band lashing at their
instruments, two gospel choirs, one white, one Black.

ELVIS
(sings)
His truuuuth is maaaarching
ooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!

The last cymbal crashes, Elvis is showered with applause.

ELVIS
Thank you! Thank you very much!

Elvis waits for the applause to settle. The music always
transforms him. He may be slightly pale but he holds
himself strong, proud...

ELVIS
I’d like to turn the house lights
up, ladies and gentlemen. Now
you’ve seen me, I’d like to take a
look at you. You’re beautiful...

The lights go up. Charlie Hodge at his usual position on
stage, battle-weary from Elvis' erratic behavior. Jerry,
Billy, and the West cousins in the wings.

ELVIS
Thank you, leave them up for a
minute, man. Oh, boy, we got some
high-rollers in here tonight...
Mr. International Hotel himself!


(CONTINUED)
162.
CONTINUED:

As the crowd applauds, the SPOTLIGHT searches, finding
Meyer Kohn. Colonel sits beside him.

ELVIS
And right next to him... my so-
called manager, Colonel Tom
Parker.

Colonel, puffing on his cigar as Elvis continues with
drug-addled, unnerving humor:

ELVIS (O.S.)
But I hear rumors... that Colonel
is an alien... from outer space.

The crowd laughs.

ELVIS
Someone call the FBI and tell them
he's abducted me, locked me in
this golden cage, to keep me here,
forever-- with you, ladies and
gentlemen, and all these funky
angels on the ceiling...

The crowd applauds.

ELVIS
(sings)
So I’m caught in a trap, I can’t
get out...
‘Cause Colonel's got some big
debts, baby...

Colonel excuses himself from the booth and heads towards
the wings.

ELVIS
But this is the last show I’m ever
playin' here...

Audience, a collective sigh of disappointment...

ELVIS
I’m gonna get in my jet plane, the
Lisa Marie, named after my
beautiful daughter, and fly
away... Fly, fly away...

Colonel arrives in the wings, next to the stage manager.

COLONEL
Stop the show, stop the show.
(to Diskin)
We’ve got to do something!
(to the Mafia)
(MORE) (CONTINUED)
163.
CONTINUED: (2)
COLONEL (CONT'D)
Get over to Sonny and Red. Bring
the curtain down!

A strange mix of nervous laughter and confused applause.

ELVIS
Fuck the International! Fuck Las
Vegas! Ain’t no one gonna stop me,
man!

Colonel approaches Jerry.

COLONEL
What the devil is going on, Mr.
Schilling?

JERRY
I think that’s what he wants to
know.

Elvis spies Colonel in the wings and mocks him angrily,
microphone still in hand:

ELVIS
Oh, security, security!! 800
shows!! You don't have a goddamn
passport, you son of a bitch...

Elvis finds strength to say the words that have eluded
him since he first met Colonel. A gut-wrenching scream:

ELVIS
You're fired!!

The audience continues to laugh and applaud.

ELVIS
Fired!!

The audience laughs louder. Elvis, in a demonic rage:

ELVIS
FIRED!!!

The golden curtain crashes down. All on stage in shock,
as Elvis and Colonel stare at each other. As the applause
dies, the silence seems to last an eternity.

The panicked Memphis Mafia goes into their post- show
routine. Towels appearing, they move towards Elvis. But
he stays them with his hand. Everyone freezes.

Then, as if sanity, clarity, and dignity have re-entered
his soul, Elvis says one final time:


(CONTINUED)
164.
CONTINUED: (3)

ELVIS
You’re fired.

He turns, walks across stage, past Jerry, into shadow.

Colonel’s eyes are cold as we have ever seen.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
The Geek... The Geek...

Colonel slowly walks back over to Diskin. He shoots
Vernon a grave look.

COLONEL
Diskin, pull out all the contracts
and agreements since 1955..
Genres: ["Musical","Drama"]

Summary Inside the International Hotel's showroom, Elvis performs a ballad, receiving applause. He addresses the audience, accusing high-rollers and Colonel Parker of being aliens and keeping him hostage due to his drug-addled state. Colonel tries to stop the show, but Elvis, in a demonic rage, fires him, causing shock and laughter. The conflict remains unresolved, with Colonel looking grave and planning to review contracts. The scene is emotionally intense, with moments of humor, shock, and confusion.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Powerful character dynamics
  • Memorable dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of humor may detract from the seriousness of the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the storyline. The confrontation between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker is intense and well-executed, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Elvis firing Colonel Tom Parker, his long-time manager, in a public setting is a bold and significant moment in the narrative. It marks a turning point in Elvis' career and personal journey.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the power struggle and ultimate confrontation between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker, adding depth and complexity to their relationship. The firing of the Colonel propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh approach to the familiar theme of artist-manager conflicts, with a unique portrayal of Elvis Presley's struggle for independence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker are well-developed and their conflicting personalities shine through in this scene. Their emotional depth and strong convictions drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant change in this scene as he takes a stand against Colonel Tom Parker and asserts his independence. The firing of the Colonel marks a turning point in Elvis' character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal is to assert his independence and break free from Colonel Tom Parker's control. This reflects his desire for autonomy and self-expression.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to make a dramatic statement by firing Colonel Tom Parker in front of the audience. This reflects his immediate challenge of asserting his authority and making a bold move.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker reaches a boiling point in this scene, leading to a dramatic confrontation and the ultimate decision to part ways. The stakes are high and the tension is palpable.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker facing off in a dramatic confrontation. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as Elvis makes a bold decision to fire his long-time manager in front of a live audience. The outcome of this confrontation will have far-reaching consequences for Elvis' career and future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving the power struggle between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker. The decision to fire the Colonel sets the stage for new developments in Elvis' career and personal life.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Elvis firing Colonel Tom Parker in front of the audience. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Elvis's desire for artistic freedom and Colonel Tom Parker's desire for control and financial gain. This challenges Elvis's beliefs about loyalty, trust, and artistic integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as they witness the intense confrontation between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker. The raw emotion and defiance displayed by both characters leave a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful and reveals the tension between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker. The lines are sharp, emotional, and drive home the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and dramatic conflict between the characters. The audience is drawn into the tension and suspense of the moment.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of conflict. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue, and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and drama, leading to a climactic moment of conflict between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The beginning of the scene is very strong. The imagery of the American Eagle Cape with its rhinestone wings spreading out is visually striking and effectively sets the tone for Elvis' performance. The dialogue is also well-written, capturing Elvis' charisma and his connection with the audience.
  • However, the scene quickly becomes repetitive and predictable. Elvis' banter with the audience is funny the first few times, but it starts to lose its impact as it continues. The audience's laughter and applause also becomes monotonous after a while.
  • The conflict between Elvis and Colonel Parker is also not well-developed. It is clear that Elvis is angry with the Colonel, but the reasons for his anger are not fully explored. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with Elvis' emotions and to understand his motivations.
  • The ending of the scene is also unsatisfying. Elvis simply fires the Colonel, and then the curtain falls. There is no resolution to the conflict, and the audience is left feeling confused and disappointed.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, I would suggest adding more depth to the conflict between Elvis and Colonel Parker. This could be done by exploring the reasons for Elvis' anger and by giving the Colonel a more sympathetic side.
  • I would also suggest varying the tone of the scene. The beginning of the scene is very upbeat and energetic, but the tone becomes more serious and somber as the conflict between Elvis and the Colonel escalates. This shift in tone could be more gradual, and it would help to build tension and suspense.
  • Finally, I would suggest adding a more satisfying ending to the scene. This could be done by having Elvis and the Colonel have a more emotional confrontation, or by having Elvis make a more definitive decision about his future.



Scene 39 -  The Financial Breakdown: A Refusal and a Storm Out
INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

Old Colonel watches Nightmare Alley. The movie shows an
alcoholic carnival performer sunk so disgracefully low
that he will do anything for a drink.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... when he ran, as he always did,
it was my job to take a bottle and
bring him back.

PULL OUT to see the movie playing on endless televisions.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
The Geek lived in Hell, but every
night, before the cheering crowd,
he was resurrected. Perfect.
Forgiven. Some called it cruelty,
but I called it kindness. The
Geek needed to perform... And to
perform, he needed his bottle.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - COLONEL’S OFFICE - NIGHT

We find ourselves in Colonel’s Vegas office. He stands at
his desk in front of the same Snowman’s League banner.

COLONEL
(into telephone)
This is Colonel Tom Parker. I wish
it to be known that Dr. Nick’s
services are no longer required.
Thank you.

He hangs up and turns to Diskin, at a typewriter.


(CONTINUED)
165.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Well Tom, if the boy wants to set
out on his own, that’s alright by
me, but Presley Enterprises must
cough up what it owes... Are you
ready?

DISKIN
(solemnly)
Ready.

Colonel begins to dictate...

COLONEL
Gasoline for my first trip to the
‘Hayride’: one dollar...
Unrecouped promotional costs
pertaining to souvenir calendars:
one hundred dollars; collectible
trading cards: one hundred
dollars; flyers, posters,
programs: one hundred dollars;
balloons: fifty dollars.
Untabulated royalties, prior
advances, shared rights and
commissions on all television
specials...


EXT. AIRSTRIP - TARMAC - DAY

TOP SHOT: The Lisa Marie drifts INTO FRAME...

COLONEL (V.O.)
...inclusive of 50% back end
participation in MGM multi-picture
contracts in perpetuity...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM - DAY

A clean, morning sunlight slashes across the Nevada
desert and into Elvis’ suite. Drop cloths over furniture,
gold records removed from the wall. We follow luggage on
a gold bellman’s trolley being pushed by Cousin Billy. He
gives a final look over their home of the past few years.

BILLY
E.P. says we need to hurry up.

CHARLIE
I know. You got the coats, that’s
all tour, and everything on this
side is going to Graceland.


(CONTINUED)
166.
CONTINUED:

As Billy exits, the door opens to reveal the ashen face
of Vernon. He enters past Charlie without acknowledgment,
and sets down a letter onto the piano.

VERNON
Where’s Elvis?

CHARLIE
Oh, Vernon... He’s downstairs.

VERNON
Tell him I need to talk to him.

Vernon pours himself a drink and stares out blankly over
the desert vista.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - PARKING GARAGE - DAY

An endless stream of luggage is ferried into limousines
in the parking garage. FOLLOW the luggage to find...


INT. ELVIS’ LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis in the back of his limo, a little jittery from
withdrawal. But if anything, this energizes him, making
him even more determined to leave, no matter what.

ELVIS
What’s the hold-up?

Charlie enters the garage, leans into Elvis’ window.

CHARLIE
Sorry, E.P. Your daddy won’t come
down, says he needs to talk...

Elvis exits the car and heads back toward the hotel

JERRY
You alright?

Elvis waves him back. OFF Elvis’ concerned expression...


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM - DAY

Elvis enters the suite and Vernon gestures toward the
letter on the piano. ANGLE ON A “PRESLEY ENTERPRISES”
BALANCE SHEET WITH A BIG TOTAL CIRCLED IN RED:
“$9,800,099.”

ELVIS
Daddy... What is this?

(CONTINUED)
167.
CONTINUED:

Vernon stands there looking like a dead man.

VERNON
Son, we owe Colonel. We’re
broke...

ELVIS
I been playing this mausoleum for
a hundred years! How could we be
broke?

Vernon is shaking his head, eyes filled with tears.

VERNON
You spend so much. The cars, the
clothes, the girls, the new
airplane, everything.

ELVIS
Daddy, you’re my business manager,
you’re supposed to be taking care
of business!

VERNON
I don’t know what to tell you,
son. We’re broke, just plain
broke...

His eyes raise to meet Elvis.

VERNON
We gotta take Colonel back.

ELVIS
I’m not taking him back.

VERNON
We’ll lose Graceland.

ELVIS
He has taken fifty percent of
everything I make. And now he
wants to take the house that we
bought for Mama? The old bastard
can sue if he wants, but I’m
flying away, with or without you,
Daddy...

Elvis storms out of the suite...
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In a Ghostly Vegas casino of 1997, Old Colonel reflects on his past acts of 'kindness' towards a carnival performer, now an alcoholic. Meanwhile, he fires Dr. Nick and starts dictating Presley Enterprises' expenses. Simultaneously, Elvis and his team prepare to leave the hotel, but Vernon stays behind to discuss their financial obligations to Colonel Tom Parker. The conversation escalates into a heated argument, resulting in Elvis storming out, leaving their issues unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, filled with emotional depth and tension, and sets up significant changes in the characters' relationships and future actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of financial struggle, betrayal, and breaking away from a long-standing business relationship is compelling and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Elvis makes a bold decision that will have far-reaching consequences for his career and personal life.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of celebrity downfall and financial ruin, adding complexity and depth to the characters' motivations and conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis and his father Vernon, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Elvis undergoes a significant change by deciding to break away from the Colonel and confront his financial reality, leading to a shift in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and break free from the control of Colonel Tom Parker. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and self-determination.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront his father and manager about their financial situation and make a decision about his future. This reflects the immediate challenge of financial ruin and the threat of losing Graceland.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elvis and his father, as well as the impending confrontation with the Colonel, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Elvis faces the possibility of losing everything he has worked for, including his home and career, by breaking away from the Colonel.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major turning point in Elvis' career and personal life, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' decisions and actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to family and loyalty to oneself. Elvis must decide whether to prioritize his own freedom and career or the financial stability of his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, anger, and empathy towards the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, dramatic confrontations, and the sense of impending crisis. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through a series of escalating confrontations and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene opens with the Old Colonel watching a movie about an alcoholic carnival performer, and reflecting on how he used to bring the man back with a bottle of alcohol, considering it kindness. This opening is disjointed from the previous scene, which ended with Elvis firing the Colonel and storming out of the hotel room. It also doesn't provide any clear connection to the current scene, which takes place in the International Hotel's parking garage.
  • The transition from the Old Colonel's reflection to the Colonel's office is abrupt and jarring. It would be more effective if there were a smoother transition between these two scenes, perhaps by showing the Old Colonel finishing the movie and then cutting to the Colonel in his office.
  • The dialogue between the Colonel and Diskin is very exposition-heavy, and it's not clear why this information is being revealed at this point in the story. It would be more effective if this information were revealed more gradually, as the story progresses.
  • The scene ends with Elvis storming out of his suite, leaving Vernon with a grave look. This ending is unsatisfying, as it doesn't provide any resolution to the conflict between Elvis and the Colonel. It would be more effective if the scene ended with a more definitive resolution, such as Elvis and the Colonel having a final confrontation, or Elvis making a decision about whether or not to take the Colonel back.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to improve its pacing.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a tighter focus on Elvis and Vernon in the parking garage, and then gradually reveal the information about the Colonel's past and Elvis' financial situation.
  • Use more visual storytelling to convey the emotional tension between Elvis and the Colonel. For example, you could show Elvis pacing around the room, or the Colonel avoiding eye contact with him.
  • Give the scene a more definitive ending by having Elvis and the Colonel have a final confrontation, or by showing Elvis making a decision about whether or not to take the Colonel back.
  • Consider cutting some of the exposition-heavy dialogue, and instead reveal this information more gradually, as the story progresses.



Scene 40 -  Confrontation and Resolution: Elvis and Colonel's Parking Garage Showdown
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELEVATOR - DAY

The elevator descends. Elvis -- a powder keg of emotions.
He takes deep breaths, reining himself in.

(CONTINUED)
168.
CONTINUED:

ELVIS
I’m gonna fly away, fly, fly
away... just you watch me...

BING! The elevator halts. The doors open to reveal...


INT. INTERNATIONAL - PARKING GARAGE - DAY

Colonel waiting in the empty concierge area. Beyond the
glass, Elvis can see the waiting cars.

A beat. Is this a set-up? He steps out of the elevator.

ELVIS
You blood-sucking old vampire; you
bled me dry, but still you want
more.

COLONEL
I’m not an uncaring man, Mr.
Presley.

ELVIS
Don’t you ‘Mr. Presley’ me, you
toad.

COLONEL
If you are so determined to get
out of our contract...

ELVIS
Goddamn right I want out!

COLONEL
Then I will personally loan you
the money you owe to Jamboree
Attractions.

ELVIS
Yeah, and you’ll still have your
claws in me. Still have me workin’
here like a slave in a salt mine,
you phony, no-good piece of trash.
Who are you, Colonel from outta
space?

COLONEL
Colonel from outta space, and
Captain Marvel Jr. Has a nice ring
to it, don’t you think?

ELVIS
I oughta shoot you in your fat,
goddamn face...

(CONTINUED)
169.
CONTINUED:

COLONEL
Remember, you were so ready to fly
‘faster than the speed of light
straight to the Rock Of Eternity.’

ELVIS
(intense)
Who are you?

COLONEL
I, am you. And you, are me.

ELVIS
Cut the horseshit...

COLONEL
Everyone else you’re associated
with lives from you. Even
Vernon...

Elvis, shocked. The realization dawning.

COLONEL
That’s right, even your own daddy
looks after himself, before he
looks after you. Yes, I lived from
you, too. But the difference is
that you also lived from me. Since
that first night on that big,
beautiful wheel, lookin up into
the moon and the stars, we
understood that we are the same,
you and I: we are two odd, lonely
children, reaching for Eternity.
And to my way of thinking, we
traveled beyond our wildest
dreams. Perhaps you should find
another manager to replace me.
But what cannot be replaced is the
20 years together, more than 20
years. Someone may promote you
better, but no one will ever
understand you better. And if you
do choose to leave, I for one will
be very lonely. Very lonely

Colonel makes his way over to the elevator. Elvis,
battling his emotions within. Beyond the glass, the cars
waiting to leave.

COLONEL
But, I think you may be lonely,
too. You know, my boy, the truth
about the Rock of Eternity, is
that it is forever just beyond our
reach.
(CONTINUED)
170.
CONTINUED: (2)

Elvis looks back to Colonel as the elevator doors close.
We hear the melancholy opening notes of “Are You Lonesome
Tonight”:

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Genres: ["Drama","Musical"]

Summary In this intense scene, Elvis confronts Colonel in an elevator in the parking garage of the International Hotel. Accusing Colonel of bleeding him dry and calling him a phony, Elvis expresses his desire to break free from their contract. Colonel, in turn, reminds Elvis of their shared history and understanding, and offers to step down as his manager. The conflicted Elvis looks on as Colonel walks away, leaving him to consider his options as the opening notes of 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' play in the background.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the narrative. The intense dialogue and character dynamics create a compelling and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the strained relationship between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker, is executed with depth and emotional resonance.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Elvis confronts Colonel Tom Parker and makes a crucial decision regarding their professional relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar trope of artist-manager relationships, exploring themes of identity, loyalty, and self-discovery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker are well-developed and their conflicting emotions drive the scene with authenticity.

Character Changes: 8

Both Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, leading to a pivotal moment in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis's internal goal in this scene is to break free from the control and manipulation of Colonel, asserting his independence and self-worth. This reflects his deeper desire for autonomy and authenticity in his career and personal life.

External Goal: 7

Elvis's external goal is to renegotiate or terminate his contract with Jamboree Attractions and Colonel, seeking financial and creative freedom. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of escaping a toxic professional relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker is palpable and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and emotional stakes. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the scene are evident in the decision Elvis makes regarding his professional relationship with Colonel Tom Parker, impacting his career and personal life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the narrative forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for future developments in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, unexpected revelations, and emotional twists. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, power, and loyalty. Elvis and Colonel represent two opposing views on success, integrity, and personal agency. This challenges Elvis's beliefs about trust, authenticity, and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly in the moments of confrontation and self-realization.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, confrontational, and reveals the inner turmoil of the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict, dynamic character dynamics, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is drawn into the power struggle between Elvis and Colonel.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses, emotional beats, and dramatic reveals. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are concise and descriptive.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dramatic structure, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. It effectively transitions between the elevator and parking garage settings.


Critique
  • The dialogue can be improved to make it more engaging and natural. For example, the line 'You blood-sucking old vampire; you bled me dry, but still you want more.' is a bit too on the nose and could be rephrased to be more subtle and effective.
  • The scene could use more visual elements to make it more engaging. For example, you could describe the setting in more detail, or use specific actions to create a sense of movement and tension.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The beginning of the scene is a bit slow, and the ending is a bit rushed. You could try to find a way to balance the pacing so that the scene flows more smoothly.
  • The scene could use a stronger sense of conflict. The conflict between Elvis and the Colonel is a bit one-sided, with Elvis doing most of the attacking. You could try to find a way to give the Colonel a stronger voice in the scene, or to create a more balanced conflict.
  • The scene could benefit from a stronger ending. The ending is a bit abrupt, and it doesn't really give the audience a sense of closure. You could try to find a way to end the scene on a stronger note, or to give the audience a more satisfying sense of resolution.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting to make it more realistic and immersive.
  • Include more dialogue between Elvis and the Colonel to develop their relationship and motivations.
  • Add more action to the scene to create a sense of tension and excitement.
  • Give the Colonel a stronger voice in the scene to create a more balanced conflict.
  • End the scene on a stronger note to give the audience a sense of closure.



Scene 41 -  Elvis's Loneliness and Fear of Oblivion: A Melancholic Conversation with Priscilla
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SUNSET

VERY WIDE: As “Are You Lonesome Tonight” builds, the
elevator travels up the huge, brutal facade of the hotel.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Does your memory stray,
To a brighter summer day?
When I kissed you and called you
sweetheart?


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM - SUNSET

As Elvis enters, “Are You Lonesome Tonight” plays.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Honey, you lied when you said you
loved me,
And I had no cause to doubt you

Elvis stands, staring out the hotel window as the sun
sets over Vegas... The loneliest man in the world.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
But I'd rather go on hearing your
lies,
Than go on, living without you


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - COLONEL’S SUITE - SUNSET

Colonel sits in his suite, staring at the telephone.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Is your heart filled with pain?
Shall I come back again?
171.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - ELVIS’ ROOM - SUNSET

Elvis sits behind the piano, he plays a few notes and
sings, barely audibly, to himself.

ELVIS
(sings)
Tell me, dear, are you lonesome
tonight...

Vernon approaches timidly, just looking at Elvis. A long
moment. Elvis doesn’t turn to him, but speaks with
heartbroken disgust:

ELVIS
Daddy, tell that sonofabitch I
want things to go back to the way
they were.

As Vernon heads to the door, Elvis gathers up two remote
controls, closing the curtains and clicking on the TVs.

ELVIS
And, Daddy...

Elvis flops down into the sunken lounge.

ELVIS
Tell the Colonel to send up Dr
Nick.

ELVIS (V.O.)
(vocal)
Tell me, dear, are you lonesome
tonight...


EXT. TARMAC - YEARS LATER

Vernon stands outside Elvis’ limo, watching as
Priscilla’s car pulls up. The Lisa Marie jet nearby,
engines roaring.

Taking Lisa Marie in his arms, Vernon heads towards
Priscilla. Lisa runs to her mommy and after a moment,
Priscilla hands her to a nanny.

Vernon looks to Priscilla as she passes.


INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION

A knock. Elvis glances up as Priscilla gets in.



(CONTINUED)
172.
CONTINUED:

After a long, taut silence, Elvis, discombobulated, does
what he always does in moments like this. Without looking
up to Priscilla, he sings under his breath.

ELVIS
(sings)
If I should stay I would only be
in your way
And so I'll go, but I know I'll
think of you each step of the way
And I will...

He stops, unable to complete the line from this now very
famous song.

PRISCILLA
That’s beautiful.

ELVIS
(weakly)
Dolly Parton wanted me to record
it.

PRISCILLA
And?

ELVIS
(unengaged)
Publishing and what not. It’s not
gonna happen.

She reaches across and touches him gently.

PRISCILLA
How are you doing?

Elvis doesn’t respond.

PRISCILLA
Honey, there’s this place you can
go in San Diego where you can
rest.

Elvis looks up, connecting with her for the first time.

PRISCILLA
Heal. After the show, you can fly
there directly, and be in the
clinic before anyone knows. It’s
all been arranged.

ELVIS
‘Cilla I’m gonna be forty soon.
Forty. Forty years old. And people
are not gonna remember me.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
173.
CONTINUED: (2)
ELVIS (CONT'D)
I've never done anything lasting,
never made a classic film that I
can be proud of.

PRISCILLA
What about ‘A Star is Born’?

ELVIS
Well, you know, Barbara and the
Colonel...

They laugh together.

PRISCILLA
Please go... For Lisa. Promise me?
If you dream it, you’ll do it.

But Elvis cuts her off:

ELVIS
I’m all out of dreams.

She’s done her best. A knock at the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Musical"]

Summary The scene opens with Elvis singing 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' in his hotel room, conveying his emotional pain and fear of being forgotten to his father, Vernon. Years later, Vernon is seen with Priscilla and Lisa Marie in a limo, where Elvis and Priscilla share a heart-to-heart conversation about his health and well-being. Priscilla suggests a healing clinic for him, but Elvis expresses his lack of dreams and motivation, leaving her concern unresolved. The scene takes place in two different settings, with the main conflict being Elvis's emotional pain and fear of being forgotten. The tone is melancholic and somber, with key pieces of dialogue including Elvis's desire to go back to the way things were and Priscilla's suggestion of a healing clinic.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Exploration of inner struggles
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and inner conflicts, providing a poignant insight into Elvis Presley's psyche. The dialogue and character interactions are compelling, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the personal struggles and emotional vulnerabilities of a famous figure like Elvis Presley is engaging and offers a unique perspective on the legendary singer's life.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the emotional and personal struggles of Elvis Presley, particularly his feelings of loneliness and unfulfillment despite his fame. The scene effectively advances the character development and emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the iconic figure of Elvis Presley, delving into his personal struggles and emotional turmoil. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis Presley and Priscilla, are well-developed and their emotional depth is portrayed convincingly. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and add to the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis Presley undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, confronting his feelings of loneliness and unfulfillment. The interaction with Priscilla prompts him to reflect on his life and choices.

Internal Goal: 8

Elvis' internal goal is to find a sense of fulfillment and purpose in his life, as he grapples with feelings of loneliness and unfulfilled dreams.

External Goal: 7

Elvis' external goal is to navigate his relationships with his family and entourage, particularly with Priscilla, and to come to terms with his fading fame and legacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around Elvis Presley's emotional struggles and personal demons. The tension comes from his inner turmoil and the strained relationship with Priscilla.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high on an emotional level, as Elvis Presley grapples with his sense of loneliness, regret, and unfulfillment. The scene highlights the personal cost of fame and success.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Elvis Presley's personal struggles and emotional journey. It deepens the character development and sets the stage for further exploration of his inner conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the fleeting nature of fame and the struggle to find lasting fulfillment in life. Elvis' belief in his own legacy clashes with the reality of his situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection in the audience. The raw emotions and vulnerability of the characters resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the sense of longing, regret, and emotional turmoil that permeates the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, introspective moments, and the complex relationships between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Elvis singing 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' in his hotel room, expressing his loneliness and pain. This is a powerful and emotional moment, and it effectively sets the tone for the rest of the scene.
  • However, the scene quickly becomes repetitive, as Elvis continues to sing the same song and stare out the window. This repetition becomes tedious and it makes the scene drag on.
  • The dialogue between Elvis and Vernon is also somewhat stilted and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between a father and son, and it doesn't do much to advance the plot.
  • The scene also suffers from a lack of focus. It's not clear what the main conflict is, and the scene doesn't seem to have a clear resolution.
  • Overall, this scene is a missed opportunity. It has the potential to be a powerful and emotional moment, but it's ultimately let down by its repetitive dialogue and lack of focus.
Suggestions
  • To improve this scene, I would suggest cutting down on the repetition and focusing on the emotional core of the moment. Elvis's loneliness and pain should be palpable, and the scene should build to a powerful climax.
  • I would also suggest reworking the dialogue between Elvis and Vernon to make it feel more natural and authentic. This conversation should be a key moment in the scene, and it should help to establish the relationship between father and son.
  • Finally, I would suggest giving the scene a clearer focus. What is the main conflict? What does Elvis want? What does Vernon want? Once you have a clear understanding of the scene's focus, you can tailor the dialogue and action to support it.



Scene 42 -  Farewell to the King: Elvis' Final Moments and Legacy
EXT. TARMAC - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Elvis gets out of the car, Priscilla gets out on the
opposite side. They’re about to part, but instinctively
stop for a moment, looking to each other across the roof.

Elvis’ voice is lost to the roar of the engines as he
mouths the final lyric to the song he could not sing: “I
will always love you.”

They part, and Elvis heads for the plane as the song
“Separate Ways” begins.


INT. CASINO (GHOSTLY VEGAS) - NIGHT (1997)

HIGH CRANE DOWN as Old Colonel wanders into an infinite
row of slot machines...

OLD COLONEL
The day he died...

Colonel settles into a chair at a favorite machine.

OLD COLONEL
First thing I did was pick up that
phone to the record company, and
tell ‘em they’d better print more
records.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
174.
CONTINUED:
OLD COLONEL (CONT'D)
And at the funeral when everyone
was crying, I said to his father
Vernon, ‘let's get to work.’ Do
you know why? I had to keep him
traveling endlessly toward the
Rock of Eternity-- because that’s
what he would have wanted. The
only relationship to which he was
forever true, was to you, his
audience.


INT. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL - SHOWROOM - NIGHT (1977)

Elvis performs his final concert.

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
The very last time I saw him sing,
he could seldom stand...

He’s shockingly overweight, heaving for breath, slurring.

ELVIS
This song is uh, I just recorded
it... I don’t know h-h-h-ahhh. Is
it out?

CHARLIE
About two weeks.

ELVIS
Two weeks it’ll be out? ‘Unchained
Melody’... from an album called
Unchained Melody...
(jokes)
Makes a lot of sense...

He sits at the piano, mops his brow. Even though he
hasn't started yet, he yells out to the audience:

ELVIS
How do you like it so far?

Cheers and laughs. Then Elvis' fingers hit the ivories...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
But without fail, that voice rang
out!

Elvis' vocal begins to soar:

ELVIS
(sings)
Woah, my love, my darling
I’ve hungered for your touch,
A long lonely time...
(CONTINUED)
175.
CONTINUED:

IN FLASHBACK WE REVISIT: The beauty and greatness of the
tragic American opera of Elvis' life...

ELVIS
(sings)
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
I didn't kill him. It was love.
His love for you...

Despite his bloated look and discombobulation, Elvis hits
the high note with impossible vocal beauty and strength.

ELVIS
(sings)
I need your love
I need your love

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
And yours...

ELVIS
(sings)
God speed your love...

OLD COLONEL (V.O.)
... for him.

ELVIS
(sings)
... to me!

Elvis, profusely sweating, manages to smile back one last
time at the wave of adulation and love coming to him from
the audience as he slowly fades into inky BLACKNESS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Elvis has left the building!

BEEEEPPPPP. The sound of a FLATLINE.

FADE OUT.


THE END
Genres: ["Biographical","Drama","Musical"]

Summary Elvis and Priscilla part ways at a plane, with Elvis mouthing 'I will always love you' as 'Separate Ways' plays. In 1997, the Old Colonel reflects on Elvis' death, his efforts to keep Elvis' memory alive, and the impact of Elvis' love for his audience, as flashbacks to Elvis' final concert showcase his powerful voice despite his physical state. The scene ends with the announcer declaring 'Elvis has left the building' and a flatline beep, implying Elvis' death. The main conflicts include Elvis' struggle with his health and the end of his relationship with Priscilla, which are not resolved. The tone is emotional and nostalgic, with a sense of loss and longing.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Powerful themes
  • Memorable performance by Elvis
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, beautifully capturing the essence of Elvis Presley's final performance and the bittersweet culmination of his life and career. The mix of reflective narration, tragic undertones, and powerful musical moments creates a compelling and memorable scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing Elvis Presley's final concert and the internal struggles he faced, including his relationship with Colonel Tom Parker and the weight of his legacy, is executed with depth and emotional resonance. The scene effectively conveys the complexity of Elvis's character and the sacrifices he made for his art.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Elvis's final performance, his internal turmoil, and his interactions with key characters like Colonel Tom Parker and Priscilla. The progression from Elvis's emotional state to his powerful musical performance adds depth and poignancy to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the life and legacy of Elvis Presley, blending historical accuracy with emotional storytelling. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elvis Presley and Colonel Tom Parker, are well-developed and portrayed with emotional depth. Their complex relationship and inner struggles are central to the scene, adding layers of complexity and authenticity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Elvis undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, from reflecting on his past to delivering a powerful final performance. His internal struggles, conflicts with Colonel Tom Parker, and the weight of his legacy contribute to his character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and acceptance in his final moments, reflecting his deeper need for love, validation, and connection with his audience.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to perform his final concert and leave a lasting impression on his audience, reflecting the immediate challenge of his declining health and public perception.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains internal conflicts within Elvis, his relationship with Colonel Tom Parker, and the weight of his legacy. These conflicts drive the emotional intensity of the scene, adding depth and complexity to the character dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that create dramatic tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Elvis grapples with his inner demons, the weight of his legacy, and the complex relationship with Colonel Tom Parker. The emotional intensity and the finality of Elvis's performance heighten the stakes, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Elvis's final concert, his emotional state, and his interactions with key characters. The progression from reflection to performance adds depth and narrative momentum, advancing the story towards its poignant conclusion.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional twists, the protagonist's internal conflict, and the non-linear storytelling.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of love, sacrifice, and the price of fame. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his own worth and the impact of his actions on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking feelings of love, loss, regret, and hope. The tragic yet powerful portrayal of Elvis's final moments and his enduring connection to his audience resonates deeply with the audience, creating a lasting emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional weight of the scene, capturing Elvis's inner turmoil, Colonel Tom Parker's reflections, and the poignant moments between characters. The dialogue enhances the character dynamics and adds depth to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, dramatic tension, and the audience's investment in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, emotional resonance, and dramatic impact, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the storytelling.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear narrative, moving between different time periods and locations to create a cohesive story. It effectively conveys the emotional journey of the protagonist.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be improved by adding a bit more closure.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot, and could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is a bit too sentimental and could be improved by adding some more conflict.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to about half its length.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add a bit more closure to the ending of the scene.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't advance the plot.
  • Add some more conflict to the scene to make it more interesting.