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Scene 1 -  Montauk
MONTAUK

Pilot


Written by

The Duffer Brothers




Paradigm

360 North Crescent Drive
North Building
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
tel: 310-288-8000 TV Calling - For educational purposes only
fax: 310-288-2000
TITLES OVER BLACK:

1942. WORLD WAR II. THE UNITED STATES BUILDS A MILITARY
BASE AT THE EASTERN-MOST POINT OF MONTAUK, NEW YORK.

IT SPANS 278 ACRES. IT IS CALLED CAMP HERO.

1972. THE COLD WAR. AN ALLEGED SERIES OF TOP-SECRET
EXPERIMENTS BEGIN TO TAKE PLACE AT CAMP HERO.

DECEMBER, 1980. CAMP HERO IS SHUT DOWN FOR
UNDISCLOSED REASONS.

TO THIS DAY, ITS RECORDS REMAIN CLASSIFIED...

EXT. MONTAUK SKY - NIGHT

We FADE UP on the night sky. Dark clouds swallow the stars.

We hear a LOW-END RUMBLE. It sounds almost like thunder, only
it is somehow more alive. Like the growl of an unseen beast.

We TILT DOWN to find...

CAMP HERO MILITARY BASE. It is an imposing cement building in
a dense forest. A LONG-RANGE SEARCH RADAR DISH rotates atop
its roof. Around and around.

Superimpose titles:

CAMP HERO. MONTAUK, NEW YORK.

OCTOBER 5. 1980.

TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE SHUTDOWN.

INT. CAMP HERO - TUNNEL SYSTEM - NIGHT

We move down a long windowless corridor.

There is a STEEL DOOR at the end.

We draw closer to this door...

And closer...

And...

WHOOM! THE DOOR SUDDENLY EXPLODES OPEN. THE HINGES SHRIEK.

A SCIENTIST staggers out into the corridor. He is gasping for
breath. A Hazmat suit melts off his body. We can see some
skin beneath; it is burned, shredded, bloody. His entire left
arm is missing. TV Calling - For educational purposes only
2.

He collapses to the floor. Twitches. Stills. Dead.

His eyes remain open. Frozen in a look of sheer terror.

We continue past him...

Moving into...

A LABORATORY.

A DOZEN MORE SCIENTISTS lie dead on the ground.

They too, are burned; many also missing limbs. Some, heads.

We survey the lab around them. There are BULKY COMPUTERS,
MYSTERIOUS ANALOG EQUIPMENT, and most striking of all:

An ISOLATION TANK, an upright metal cylinder filled with
water. A tangle of electrical wires connect this tank to...

A METAL DOOR FRAME. The door leads nowhere; there is just
empty white space behind it. The base of the door is on fire.

We watch as this fire begins to spread across the lab.

The flames grow hotter...

And hotter...

And...

HISS! FIRE SPRINKLERS kick on.

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

HISS! LAWN SPRINKLERS kick on.

We are now in a 1980s SUBURBAN CUL-DE-SAC. Quiet. Calm.

A row of uniform houses wind up the tree-lined street;
station wagons and other family cars fill driveways; TV
sets flicker behind drawn curtains; a few dogs bark.

We hear the VOICE OF A YOUNG BOY. Dramatic, intense.

MIKE (O.S.)
Do you hear that? Listen...

We focus on a TWO-STORY HOUSE at the end of the cul-de-sac.

The mailbox reads: THE WHEELERS.

MIKE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Something is coming...TVsomething
Calling - For educational purposes only
hungry for blood...
3.
Genres: ["War","Sci-Fi","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary The scene begins with a historical background of Camp Hero, a military base in Montauk, New York. It then transitions to a night sky and introduces the base in the present day. We are taken through a tunnel system and witness the aftermath of a horrific incident in a laboratory. The scene then shifts to a suburban neighborhood where a young boy named Mike senses something ominous approaching.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes the tone and genre, creates a sense of intrigue and suspense, and introduces a historical conspiracy."
Weaknesses "The characters are not fully developed in this scene and there is minimal dialogue."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone and genre of the story, creating a sense of intrigue and suspense. The historical background adds depth to the plot and the introduction of the young boy adds a sense of foreboding.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret military base and mysterious experiments is intriguing and sets up the central conflict of the story. The historical context adds an extra layer of complexity to the concept.

Plot: 7

The plot is set in motion with the introduction of the mysterious incident at the laboratory. It raises questions and creates a sense of anticipation for what will happen next.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of mysterious experiments at a military base is not entirely unique, the specific setting of Camp Hero and the suburban neighborhood adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not fully explored in this scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters are not fully developed in this scene, but the introduction of the young boy, Mike, hints at his importance in the story.

Character Changes: 5

There is no significant character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated or shown.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the strange events happening at Camp Hero and the mysterious experiments that took place there. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges the protagonist is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both in the aftermath of the laboratory incident and the sense of impending danger in the suburban neighborhood.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The mysterious events and potential danger at Camp Hero create a small obstacle for the protagonist, but it is not fully explored or developed in this scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the scene introduces a mysterious threat and the aftermath of a deadly incident.

Story Forward: 8

The scene sets up the central conflict and raises questions that will drive the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces mysterious events and leaves the audience wondering about the nature of the experiments and the potential danger. However, it does not provide enough information to fully surprise or shock the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and terror through its visuals and sound design.

Dialogue: 5

There is minimal dialogue in this scene, with most of the information conveyed through visuals and sound.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it sets up a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere. The introduction of the strange events at Camp Hero and the intense dialogue of the young boy create intrigue and make the audience curious about what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The slow reveal of the burned and dead scientists, the spreading fire, and the introduction of the suburban neighborhood create a sense of anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, character names, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with titles over black, introduces the setting and time period, and then transitions between different locations.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong opening that sets the tone for the rest of the story. However, it could benefit from more character development and interaction.
  • The scientist's death is sudden and lacks emotional impact. It would be more effective if the audience had a chance to connect with him before his demise.
  • The description of the laboratory and its equipment is detailed, but it could be more engaging if the audience had a better understanding of what the equipment does and how it relates to the story.
  • The isolation tank and metal door frame are intriguing elements, but their significance is not clear. It would be helpful to provide more context or foreshadowing to their importance.
  • The shift to the suburban neighborhood feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous scene. It would be more effective if there was a clearer connection or transition between the two settings.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more character development and interaction to make the scene more engaging.
  • Try to create a stronger emotional impact with the scientist's death by giving the audience a chance to connect with him before his demise.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing to the significance of the isolation tank and metal door frame.
  • Create a clearer connection or transition between the military base and suburban neighborhood settings.



Scene 2 -  The Demogorgon's Arrival
INT. WHEELER HOUSE - MIKE’S ROOM - NIGHT

A GROUP OF BOYS, 12 years old, play DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.

They sit in a circle, their knobby knees buried in carpet. A
map is spread out between them, along with an empty pizza
box, canned cokes, and the all-important DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
MONSTER MANUAL.

MIKE WHEELER, 12, is the “Dungeon Master.” He is a cute moppy
haired kid, classically good looking except for a BIRTHMARK
on his left cheek.

MIKE (CONT’D)
A shadow grows on the wall behind
you... swallowing you in
darkness... it is almost here...

The other boys lean forward. Riveted. We survey them:

LUCAS CONLEY, 12, playing as a knight. He is very small but
his loud mouth more than makes up for it.

DUSTIN HENDERSON, 12, playing as a dwarf. He wears glasses,
is overweight, not quite fat, but he’ll get there someday.

WILL BYERS, 12, playing as a wizard. Soft-spoken, gentle.

WILL
...What is it?

DUSTIN
The Demogorgon?

WILL
We’re screwed if it’s the
Demogorgon --

LUCAS
It’s not the Demogorgon --

Mike waits for them to settle down. Then:

MIKE
An army of Troglodytes charge into
the chamber!

He slams SIX WINGED MINIATURES onto the map.

MIKE (CONT’D)
Their tails drum the floor. Boom!
Boom! Boom!

DUSTIN TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Troglodytes?!
4.

LUCAS
Toldja!

DUSTIN
Easy.

Mike looks over his shoulder. His eyes grow wide.

MIKE
Wait... do you hear that? Boom!
Boom! BOOM! That sound... it didn’t
come from the Troglodytes. No. It
came from something behind them...

Mike slams a LARGE TWO-HEADED MONSTER MINIATURE onto the map.

MIKE (CONT’D)
THE DEMOGORGON.

The boys stare. Shit.

LUCAS
We’re all gonna die.

MIKE
Will, your action.

Will swallows. God, he wishes it wasn’t his turn.

WILL
I -- I don’t know --

LUCAS
Fireball him --

WILL
I’d have to roll thirteen or
higher --

DUSTIN
Too risky. Cast a protection spell--

LUCAS
Don’t be a pussy! Fireball him!

DUSTIN
Protection spell -- !

MIKE
The Demogorgon is tired of your
silly human bickering. It steps
toward you. BOOM!

LUCAS TV Calling - For educational purposes only
FIREBALL HIM Will!
5.

MIKE
Another step. BOOM!

DUSTIN
Cast protection!

MIKE
It roars in anger --

LUCAS DUSTIN
Fireball -- ! Protection --

MIKE (CONT’D)
And --

WILL
FIREBALL!

Will rolls the dice. Too hard. The dice scatters to the
other side of the room. It lands in front of the bedroom
door.

LUCAS
What is it?!

WILL
I don’t know!

DUSTIN
Is it a thirteen?

WILL
I DON’T KNOW!

The boys scramble to look at the dice when --

WHOOM! The bedroom door swings open.

The boys look up to find...

KAREN WHEELER, late 30s, Mike’s mom. Short blonde hair,
conservative blouse, blue jeans hiked high above her waist.

MIKE
Mom, we’re in the middle of a
campaign -- !

KAREN
You mean the end.

She taps her watch.

KAREN (CONT’D)
Fifteen after. TV Calling - For educational purposes only
6.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary A group of boys play Dungeons and Dragons in Mike's room. As they face off against an army of Troglodytes, they are suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the Demogorgon. The boys scramble to make their moves, but are interrupted by Mike's mom.
Strengths "Engaging dialogue, suspenseful tone, introduction of a major conflict"
Weaknesses "Limited character development, minimal theme emphasis"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension, and introduces a major conflict in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a group of kids playing Dungeons and Dragons and facing a real-life supernatural threat is unique and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward as the boys face the Demogorgon and are interrupted by Mike's mom.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of kids playing Dungeons and Dragons is not entirely unique, the specific characters, dialogue, and dynamics portrayed in the scene add freshness and authenticity. The actions and dialogue of the characters feel genuine and true to their age and interests.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene as the focus is more on the external conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully navigate the game and defeat the challenges presented by the Dungeon Master. This reflects his desire to prove his skills and intelligence, as well as his fear of failure and disappointment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue playing the game without interruption. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being interrupted by his mother and the challenge of balancing his personal interests with his responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the boys and the Demogorgon creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters face challenges and obstacles in the game. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges, adding suspense and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the boys face a dangerous supernatural creature and their lives are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the Demogorgon and creating a new obstacle for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the game is uncertain and the characters' actions and decisions are not always expected. The audience is kept on their toes, wondering how the game will progress and how the characters will react to challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits excitement and fear from the audience as they witness the boys' struggle against the Demogorgon.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and the escalating tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its nostalgic setting, relatable characters, and suspenseful gameplay. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and anticipation, making the audience invested in the outcome of the game.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome of the game.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, introduces the characters and their actions, and progresses with dialogue and narrative description.


Critique
  • The scene feels disconnected from the previous scene and doesn't add much to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially the references to Dungeons and Dragons.
  • The characters are not well-developed and lack depth.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict, making it feel unimportant.
  • The visual elements could be more engaging and immersive.
  • The scene could benefit from more character interactions and development.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating the Dungeons and Dragons game into the overall plot in a more meaningful way.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and authentic to the time period and characters.
  • Spend more time developing the characters and their relationships with each other.
  • Add more tension and conflict to the scene to make it feel more important.
  • Think about ways to make the visual elements more engaging and immersive.
  • Consider adding more character interactions and development to make the scene more impactful.



Scene 3 -  The Demogorgon Arrives
INT. WHEELER HOUSE - STAIRS - NIGHT

Mike chases his mom down the stairs.

MIKE
Just twenty more minutes --

KAREN
It’s a school night, Michael, and I
just put Holly to bed. You can
finish next weekend --

MIKE
That’ll ruin the flow --

KAREN
Michael --

MIKE
I’m serious, Mom! It took two weeks
to design. How was I supposed to
know it’d take seven hours -- ?

KAREN
You’ve been playing seven hours?!

They reach...

THE LIVING ROOM.

Mike’s dad, TED, 45, is watching “CHiPS.” Or trying to. The
signal is terrible; a snowstorm of static obscures the image.

He smacks the TV.

MIKE
Dad, don’t you think -- ?

TED
(not even listening)
I think you should listen to your
mother. DAGGUM PIECE OF JUNK!

He smacks the TV again. The static flares.

BACK UPSTAIRS IN MIKE’S ROOM,

Lucas, Dustin, and Will stuff belongings into backpacks.

WILL
Does the seven count?

LUCAS
It was a seven?! TV Calling - For educational purposes only
7.

Will nods.

LUCAS (CONT’D)
Did Mike see it?

Will shakes his head.

LUCAS (CONT’D)
Then it doesn’t count.

THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Dustin and Will bound down the stairs.

Lucas doesn’t follow. He peers through a cracked door into...

NANCY WHEELER’S ROOM. This is Mike’s sister, 16, girl-next-
door pretty. She is on her bed in pajamas, a phone in hand,
fingers twisting its cord, slender legs kicked in the air.

Lucas angles himself in such a way that he can see Nancy in
the reflection of her vanity mirror.

NANCY
I know, I know, but -- I don’t
think so -- yeah, he’s cute, but --
Barb -- BARB! -- listen to me --

Nancy turns around on her bed. Spots Lucas in the mirror.

Her smile drops.

NANCY (CONT’D)
The HELL LUCAS! GET OUTTA MY ROOM!

She leaps out of bed and storms over to him.

LUCAS
I’m not in your room --

NANCY
(into phone)
One of Mike’s loser friends --

LUCAS
-- Not technically --

WHAM! Nancy slams the door.

EXT./INT THE WHEELERS GARAGE - NIGHT

Lucas explodes into the garage. Excited.

LUCAS TV Calling - For educational purposes only
She knows my name!
8.

Dustin and Will are mounting bikes; Mike is seeing them off.

WILL
Who -- ?

LUCAS
NANCY!

MIKE
I’m not listening to this --

DUSTIN
She’s got a boyfriend now --

LUCAS
Does not --

DUSTIN
Does too --

Mike covers his ears.

MIKE
NOT listening --

WILL
Dustin’s right. I’ve seen her
hanging around that Steve guy --

MIKE
NOT LISTENING --

LUCAS
Steve Harrington? He’s cool --

DUSTIN
She’s cool. You lost your chance.
Should’ve gone for her when she had
braces and no boobs.

LUCAS
I’m playing the long game.

DUSTIN
Oh, yeah, I’m sure a growth spurt
will really do it for you, Lucas...

The boys bike out of the garage, arguing as they go. Mike
takes his hands off his ears. He can’t help but smile. Then:

BZZZZZ. The light above him begins to flicker. Strange.

Mike switches it off and heads back inside.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
We return our gaze to the light.
9.

It sputters back on. And...
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Horror","Coming of Age"]

Summary Mike and his friends are interrupted while playing Dungeons and Dragons by the arrival of the Demogorgon. Mike's mom insists he go to bed, but he pleads for more time. Meanwhile, Lucas spies on Mike's sister Nancy and overhears her talking about a boy named Steve. The boys argue about Nancy's new boyfriend as they leave Mike's house. As Mike goes back inside, the light above him flickers strangely.
Strengths "Building suspense, introducing important plot elements, establishing conflicts"
Weaknesses "Limited character development, dialogue could be more impactful"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces important plot points, but could benefit from more character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a group of friends encountering supernatural creatures and navigating the challenges of adolescence is intriguing.

Plot: 9

The plot moves forward with the introduction of the Demogorgon and the conflict between the boys regarding Nancy's new boyfriend.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. It portrays familiar family interactions and does not introduce any unique situations or fresh approaches.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters are likable and have distinct personalities, but there is limited development in this scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince his mother to let him continue playing a video game. This reflects his desire for autonomy and his fear of missing out on the game's progress.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to finish playing the video game. This reflects the immediate challenge of time constraints and his desire to complete the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is conflict between Mike and his mom, as well as between the boys regarding Nancy's new boyfriend.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces resistance from his mother and his sister, but the conflict is not particularly intense or difficult to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the arrival of the Demogorgon and the conflicts between the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene introduces important plot elements and moves the story forward.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces some unexpected elements, such as the malfunctioning TV and the protagonist's sister's reaction. However, the overall plot and conflict are relatively predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits some emotional investment in the characters and their conflicts, but could be more impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the boys' personalities and conflicts, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable family dynamics and conflict. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and interest.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and keep the scene moving at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses the story through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more description of the boys' reactions to the game and their interactions with each other. This would help to build the suspense and tension of the scene.
  • The dialogue could be more natural and realistic for 12-year-old boys. It currently feels a bit forced and scripted.
  • The introduction of Karen feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene. It currently feels like she is inserted into the scene just to interrupt the game.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be more fully utilized to create a more immersive experience for the audience. For example, the camera could focus on the game pieces and the boys' faces as they play.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be more consistent. It currently shifts abruptly from playful to suspenseful to interrupted.
  • The conflict in the scene is resolved too quickly and easily. Karen interrupts the game and the boys immediately stop playing without any protest or negotiation.
  • The scene could benefit from more foreshadowing or hints about the supernatural events that will occur later in the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more description of the boys' reactions and interactions to build suspense and tension.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic for 12-year-old boys.
  • Integrate Karen's interruption more smoothly into the scene.
  • Utilize the visual elements of the scene more fully to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Refine the emotional tone of the scene to be more consistent.
  • Extend the conflict in the scene and add more negotiation or protest from the boys.
  • Include more foreshadowing or hints about the supernatural events to come.



Scene 4 -  The Arrival
EXT. MONTAUK NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

WHOOSH! The boys bike home.

Their handlebar lights wink in the night. And good thing,
because it’s dark out here, as in, very dark. Montauk is
coastal, but it’s more akin to living out in the country.

Lucas peels off from the group.

LUCAS
See ya, ladies.

DUSTIN
Kiss your mom ‘night for me.

Lucas flips him the bird and bikes up a driveway towards his
TWO-STORY HOUSE. Almost identical to Mike’s, a little larger.

Will and Dustin bike on in silence for a beat, then:

DUSTIN (CONT’D)
Race to my place? Loser gets a
comic?

WILL
Any comic?

DUSTIN
Yeah --

Will has heard enough. He starts pedaling. Fast.

DUSTIN (CONT’D)
Shit!

Dustin pedals in pursuit. But he’s already behind. And...

A FEW MINUTES LATER.

Will whizzes past a house at the far end of neighborhood.

He waves at Dustin. Now fifty yards back.

WILL
I’ll take your X-Men Uncanny two-
six-nine!

Dustin stops. Out-of-breath.

DUSTIN
(really bummed) TV Calling - For educational purposes only
...Man.
10.

EXT. FOREST ROAD - LATER

Will is now biking along an empty forest road. All alone.

He lives much further out than the rest of his friends. It is
even darker out here and quiet; unnervingly so. Only the
sound of cicadas and a gentle breeze to keep him company.

He bikes past a LARGE METAL FENCE. A warning sign reads:

AUTHORIZED VEHICLES ONLY. NO TRESPASSING.

We’re near Camp Hero.

Will suddenly notices something strange: the hair on the back
of his arms is standing straight up. It’s like he’s in the
middle of a massive electrical storm. And perhaps he is...

A LOW-END RUMBLE reverberates above him. He looks up.

Sees nothing but darkness. Clouds over the moon.

He looks back down. His eyes shoot wide.

A TALL FIGURE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

Will spins the wheel -- loses control --

He veers off the road --

And explodes into --

THE FOREST.

The bike flies down a steep hill and --

CRASHES. Will flies off the bike. He skids, rolls, eats dirt.
As he lies there on the ground, gasping for air, he hears:

STRANGE GUTTURAL SOUNDS. COMING FROM BEHIND HIM.

He pushes to his feet and turns to the sound.

Foliage shudders. The sounds grow. Something is coming.

Will abandons his bike --

And runs.

EXT. MONTAUK BEACH -- NIGHT

Will bursts out onto the beach.

The wind whips his clothes. Waves
TV crash
Callingthe shore.
- For Roaring.
educational purposes only
11.

MOMENTS LATER.

He races up a dune toward a house. His house.

It is small, lower class, and falling apart after decades of
abuse from the battering ocean winds. But it offers safety.

INT. THE BYERS HOUSE -- NIGHT

Will slams the door shut behind him and bolts the lock.

A shaggy mutt, CHESTER, races to greet him.

Will ignores him, calls for his family.

WILL
MOM?! JONATHAN?! MOM?!

There is no answer.

He checks his MOM’S BEDROOM. His BROTHER’S BEDROOM.

No one is home. He is all alone.

INT. THE BYERS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Will scrambles back to the living room window.

He cups his hands to the glass and peers out into the yard.

It is dark. Murky. Quiet. A gust of wind blows and...

Day-old laundry flutters on a clothes line to reveal...

THAT FIGURE AGAIN. JUST STANDING THERE AMONGST THE BILLOWING
LAUNDRY. WE CAN’T MAKE OUT ANY FEATURES, BUT ITS PROPORTIONS
SEEM... OFF. ITS HEAD IS TOO LARGE. ITS ARMS TOO LONG. ITS
BODY SWOLEN AND BENT IN A STRANGE, TWISTED SHAPE.

Another gust of wind. The clothes flutters again and...

The Figure is gone.

Will pales. His heart in his throat.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Will rips a phone off the kitchen wall. Dials 911. But --

It does not ring. Just hums with LOW-END STATIC.

WILL
Hello?! HELLO -- ?!
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
12.

Will pauses. He hears something on the other line. But not a
voice... it is that GUTTURAL SOUND he heard in the forest.
The pitch rises and falls, making a series of strange sounds.
Words? It is as if the figure... whoever... whatever it is...
is somehow speaking to him through the phone receiver.

Behind him, Chester begins to GROWL at the front door.

Will lowers the phone. And looks back at the door.

A SHADOW fills the crack at the base of the door.

And then somehow, impossibly, the chain bolt begins to slide
open, as if drawn by an invisible hand. The metal SHRIEKS.

Will drops the phone and --

EXT. BYERS HOUSE - NIGHT

WHOOM! Will explodes out the back screen door.

He sprints into an OLD WOODEN SHED and --
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary After playing Dungeons and Dragons, Mike and his friends are interrupted by the arrival of the Demogorgon. As they argue about Nancy's new boyfriend, Mike senses something ominous approaching. Will, biking home alone, encounters a strange figure and is chased into the forest. He seeks safety in his house, but realizes he is not alone. The figure appears outside his window and communicates with him through the phone. As the figure tries to enter the house, Will escapes to an old wooden shed.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds suspense and creates a sense of fear and anticipation. The introduction of the supernatural elements adds intrigue to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and the character development could be further explored."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces the main conflict of the story. The eerie atmosphere and the unknown nature of the figure create a sense of fear and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a supernatural creature entering the real world and threatening the characters is intriguing and sets up the main plot of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 6

This scene has a moderate level of originality. While it includes familiar elements such as a chase and a mysterious figure, the specific details and the protagonist's reactions add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions effectively convey their fear and concern for each other. Will's determination to protect himself and his family is evident.

Character Changes: 7

Will undergoes a change from a normal boy to someone who is forced to confront a supernatural threat and protect himself.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find safety and protect himself from the strange figure that is pursuing him. This reflects his deeper need for security and his fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the figure that is chasing him. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to physically survive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, as the characters are faced with a supernatural threat and must fight to protect themselves.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is pursued by a mysterious figure. The audience doesn't know how the chase will go and there is a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters' lives are in danger and they must fight to survive.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious figure and creates a sense of uncertainty about the protagonist's safety. The audience doesn't know how the chase will unfold or what the figure's intentions are.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, as they witness the characters' struggle against the unknown figure.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal in this scene, but it effectively conveys the urgency and fear of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and mystery through its descriptive language and the protagonist's actions. The chase and the protagonist's fear of the unknown keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the scene matches the escalating events and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's goals, and builds tension through a series of escalating events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. While the boys are playing a game, there is no real sense of stakes or urgency.
  • The dialogue feels a bit generic and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationships.
  • The visual elements, while significant, are not fully utilized to create a more immersive and engaging scene.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be more effectively conveyed through the actions and reactions of the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more specific and detailed descriptions of the setting and characters.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension into the scene, such as a disagreement between the boys about how to defeat the Demogorgon or a time limit for completing the game.
  • Use dialogue to reveal more about the characters and their relationships, such as their individual strengths and weaknesses in the game or their personal lives outside of the game.
  • Make use of the visual elements to create a more immersive and engaging scene, such as describing the game pieces in detail or showing the boys' reactions to the game's events.
  • Smooth out the transition from the previous scene to this one by establishing a clear connection or bridge between the two.
  • Use the actions and reactions of the characters to convey the emotional tone of the scene, such as showing their excitement or fear during the game.
  • Provide more specific and detailed descriptions of the setting and characters to help the reader visualize the scene more clearly.



Scene 5 -  The Vanishing
INT. SHED - MOMENTS LATER

WHAM! He slams the shed doors behind him. Breathing hard.

His eyes dart. Searching for something.

The shed is cluttered and dark, lit only by a NAKED LIGHT
BULB, hanging from the ceiling. The bulb buzzes, flickers.

At last he spots it:

AN OLD REMINGTON RIFLE. DUSTY. HANGING ON A WALL MOUNT.

Will yanks it down, retrieves a few AMMO SHELLS from a work
bench, and loads the rifle as fast as he can, which isn’t
very fast at all; he is so scared his hands sweat and shake.

THUD. THUD. THUD. HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ECHO. THEN GUTTURAL NOISES.

Will looks back to the shed doors. They shudder and moan.

And then, slowly... ever slowly... they begin to yawn open.

Will finishes loading the rifle. He snaps the chamber shut
and aims it at the door. The rifle trembles in his hands.

The shed doors slowly yawn open the rest of way.

It... whatever it is... enters the shed.

We still do not show it in full,TVbut we catch
Calling - For glimpses
educationalofpurposes
it only
in the flickering light. Misshapen, withered, pale, slick.
13.

Will doesn’t fire. He just stares. Paralyzed by fear.

The hairs on his arms stand up again.

His ears begin to drip blood.

And then his nose.

He fights tears.

WILL
...P-please --

A HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING SOUND SUDDENLY FILLS THE SHED.

WE DON’T SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO WILL; WE JUST WATCH THAT NAKED
DANGLING LIGHT BULB. IT GLOWS BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER AND
BRIGHTER, FILLING THE SHED WITH OVERWHELMING WHITE LIGHT. WE
THINK THE GLASS OF THE BULB IS GOING TO SHATTER BUT THEN --

The TERRIBLE SHRIEKING sound abruptly stops.

The bulb dims. Returning to normal wattage.

We pull away from the light.

The shed is empty.

Will has vanished.

END ACT ONE




TV Calling - For educational purposes only
14.

ACT TWO

INT. HOPPER’S HOUSE - MORNING

BEEEEEEEE! An ALARM CLOCK blasts.

A hand smashes it, shutting it up. The hand belongs to:

JIM HOPPER, or “HOP,” early 40s. He is sprawled on a sofa,
shirtless, wearing only a pair of worn Levi jeans. His house
is a mess, cluttered with beer bottles, cigarette butts, and
plastic vials.

A LOCAL NEWSMAN drones on a dusty eight-inch TV:

NEWS ANCHORMAN
...reports of surges and outages
across the county... we reached out
to Public Service and Gas and...

Hop sits up. A RAY OF SUN slices through blinds. Strikes him.

He squints. Grimaces. Hungover.

EXT. HOPPER’S HOUSE - MORNING

Hopper steps out onto a decrepit porch. Drags on a cigarette.

His shack-like house is perched on the shore of the beach.
The beach is deserted now; tourist season has come and gone.
It’s a bit lonely out here. But damn if it isn’t beautiful.

Hop rubs his arms. Getting cold now. Enough beauty for now.

He flicks his cigarette to the sand.

INT. HOPPER’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Hopper studies his stubble in the mirror.

Considers shaving. Doesn’t.

MOMENTS LATER

Hopper pops open a PLASTIC VIAL labeled TUINAL.

He shakes out two capsules. Red and blue.

Scoops a mouthful of water. Washes them down.

INT. HOPPER’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Hopper showers. Water pours down his weary face.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
15.

INT. HOPPER’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Hopper dresses.

He yanks on a pair of brown pants... A matching brown
collared shirt... A belt with a holster... A 9MM GLOCK...

And lastly, he clips on a GOLD BADGE. It reads:

MONTAUK POLICE. CHIEF.

MOMENTS LATER.

Hopper heads out the door. We watch through the smudged
window as he climbs into CHEVY BLAZER POLICE CAR. Mustard
sides. Square sirens.

As he peels away, we DOLLY TOWARD a FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH hanging
on the wall. In it, a young Hopper stands with a PRETTY WIFE.

He cradles a LITTLE GIRL in his arms.

He looks like a different man.

He looks happy.

EXT. BYERS HOUSE - MORNING

Silence outside the Byers house.

The wind has died down. The laundry no longer flutters.

The shed is quiet.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Will seeks safety in an old wooden shed as a mysterious figure chases him. He arms himself with a rifle and confronts the figure, but ultimately disappears without a trace. Meanwhile, Chief Hopper wakes up hungover and begins his day as the Montauk Police Chief. The scene ends with a glimpse into Hopper's past and his search for a missing girl.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introduces important characters, and raises the stakes for the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and the scene could provide more information about the supernatural threat."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its atmospheric descriptions and the unknown nature of the threat. The disappearance of Will adds a sense of mystery and raises the stakes for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a supernatural threat and the disappearance of a young boy is intriguing and sets up the central conflict of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged with its suspenseful moments and the introduction of new information about the characters and the supernatural events.

Originality: 7

The scene is fairly original in its depiction of a tense and suspenseful moment in a shed, with the protagonist facing an unknown threat.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Will and Chief Hopper, are well-developed and their actions and emotions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Will undergoes a significant change as he confronts the supernatural threat and ultimately disappears. Chief Hopper's character is also introduced and hints at a personal connection to the events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear and find the courage to confront whatever is entering the shed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to protect himself from whatever is entering the shed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Will facing a supernatural threat and Chief Hopper dealing with the aftermath of the disappearance. The tension and suspense are heightened by the unknown nature of the threat.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with an unknown threat that he must confront.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene, with Will's life in danger and the mystery of the supernatural threat deepening. Chief Hopper's role as the police chief adds another layer of stakes and responsibility.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information about the supernatural events and the characters' motivations. It also raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know what will happen when the shed doors open.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, as well as curiosity about the supernatural events and the fate of the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of fear and anticipation, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more description of the creature that enters the shed. The audience should have a clear idea of what it looks like and why it is so terrifying to Will.
  • The dialogue could be improved to better convey Will's fear and desperation. His plea for mercy could be more specific and emotional.
  • The transition between Act One and Act Two could be smoother. It feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The description of Hopper's house and his appearance could be more vivid to help establish his character and the setting.
  • The scene could benefit from more conflict or tension. The creature's appearance is scary, but there is no real confrontation or resolution.
  • The visual elements could be used more effectively to create a sense of dread and unease. The naked light bulb is a good start, but more could be done to create a creepy atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more detail to the creature's appearance and behavior to make it scarier and more memorable.
  • Rewrite Will's dialogue to make it more emotional and specific. Show his fear and desperation more clearly.
  • Try to find a smoother way to transition between Act One and Act Two. Maybe include a scene that connects the two more directly.
  • Add more description of Hopper's house and his appearance to help establish his character and the setting.
  • Think about adding more conflict or tension to the scene. Maybe have Will try to fight back against the creature or find a way to escape.
  • Use the visual elements more effectively to create a creepy atmosphere. Consider adding more details to the shed and the surrounding area to make it feel more ominous.



Scene 6 -  The Disappearance
INT. BYERS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

JONATHAN BYERS, 16, Will’s older brother, cooks breakfast.

He is lanky with dark hair to his shoulders. He’s quietly
handsome... but he wouldn’t believe it if you told him.

JOYCE (O.S.)
Where the fuck are they?!

His mom, JOYCE BYERS, late 30s, races past. She wears a peach
waitress uniform and too much make-up. She has a Long Island
accent, which comes out even stronger when she curses.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Fuckfuckfuck --

JONATHAN
Check the couch.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Joyce does. She finds her keys under a cushion. Thank God.
16.

She snatches them up, gives Jonathan a quick peck on the
cheek, and races for the door, only to pause at the last
second. She turns back to Jonathan.

JOYCE
-- Will? Where’s Will?

JONATHAN
Sleeping I guess.

JOYCE
You gotta make sure he’s up,
Jonathan, how many times -- ?!

JONATHAN
I’m making breakfast --

JOYCE
And I work two jobs. Only one if
I’m late again.

Joyce storms to Will’s room. Ranting as she goes.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Then how will we pay the bills?!
You think you can feed this family
working two nights a week at a
movie house? We’ll be out on the
goddamn street--

INT. DUSTIN’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Joyce throws open the door to Will’s room. Silences.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

She strides back over to Jonathan. Worried now.

JOYCE
Will came home last night, right?

JONATHAN
He’s not in his room?

JOYCE
He come home or not?

JONATHAN
I don’t know --

JOYCE
You don’t know?

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
17.

JONATHAN
I was at the dark room late. I...
I guess I lost track of time --

JOYCE
I told you to wait up for him,
Jonathan, I specifically told you --

JONATHAN
He was over at the Wheelers’ all
day. I’m sure he just stayed over.

JOYCE
Seriously Jonathan? Seriously?

JONATHAN
I’m sorry --

JOYCE
Fuck!

Joyce grabs the kitchen wall phone. Mashes a number.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. THE WHEELERS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

A WALL PHONE RINGS at the Wheelers. It is chaos over here.

Mike is grabbing SYRUP from a cabinet; Nancy is eating
scrambled eggs, HOLLY, 3, is crying; Ted is watching the
morning news; and now the phone is ringing. The fucking
phone.

Karen answers. Holly squirms in her arms.

KAREN
Hello?

JOYCE
Karen -- it’s Joyce.

KAREN
Joyce, hi --

Behind her, Mike pours syrup onto his scrambles eggs.

NANCY
That’s disgusting.

MIKE
It’s good, swear.

Mike squeezes some onto Nancy’s TV
eggs.
Calling - For educational purposes only
18.

NANCY
WHAT THE FUCK MIKE?!

TED
HEY! LANGUAGE!!

Karen puts the phone on her shoulder. She can’t hear Joyce.

KAREN
QUIET!
(back to Joyce)
I’m sorry, one of those mornings --

JOYCE
Was that Will I heard back there?

KAREN
Will? No, no -- just Michael.

JOYCE
Will didn’t spend the night?

KAREN
...No. He, he left here a little
after eight.
(worried now)
He’s not home?

INT. BYERS HOUSE - MORNING

Joyce tries to hide her panic.

JOYCE
I -- I was working late last night.
I’m sure he just left early for
school. Thanks... thanks Karen --

Joyce hangs up the phone.

She looks scared. And so does Jonathan.

He races for the door. Throws on a dark coat.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Where are you going?

JONATHAN
To look for Will.

JOYCE
Jonathan wait --

JONATHAN
Call the school. TV Calling - For educational purposes only
19.

The door slams shut.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Will Byers goes missing and his mother, Joyce, frantically searches for him. Jonathan, Will's older brother, helps Joyce in the search while dealing with their strained relationship. Meanwhile, the Wheeler family is caught up in chaos as they receive a phone call from Joyce, realizing that Will didn't spend the night at their house. Jonathan decides to go out and look for Will, leaving Joyce worried and scared.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, high stakes, compelling concept"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could have been more impactful"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the high stakes and tension of the story, leaving the audience eager to find out what happened to Will.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the emotional turmoil it causes for the characters is compelling and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot moves quickly and introduces a major conflict with the disappearance of Will Byers, setting up the main storyline of the series.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a missing family member is a familiar one, the specific dynamics and interactions between the characters feel authentic and unique. The use of profanity in the dialogue adds a fresh and realistic touch.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, especially Joyce and Jonathan.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and development in Jonathan and Joyce as they search for Will.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to avoid getting into trouble with his mother and to protect his younger brother, Will. This reflects his desire to maintain peace in the family and his fear of disappointing his mother.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find his younger brother, Will, who is missing. This reflects the immediate challenge of locating a family member and the potential danger or harm that may have befallen him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Will is missing and the characters are desperate to find him.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of finding his missing brother and dealing with his mother's anger and frustration. The audience is unsure of the outcome and is invested in seeing how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high as a child is missing and the characters' lives are at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict and the characters' motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know what has happened to the missing brother and how the characters will react. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and keeps the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and desperation, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and panic of the situation, but could have been more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a problem (the missing brother) and creates a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The short and concise dialogue exchanges and the characters' quick actions maintain a rapid rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters and their immediate goals. The dialogue and actions progress the scene towards a climax, and it ends with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly without any transition from the previous scene. It would be helpful to have a brief transition or establishing shot to indicate the change in location.
  • The introduction of Jonathan Byers feels forced and out of place. It is unclear why he is suddenly cooking breakfast and his presence doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Joyce and Jonathan feels repetitive and could be condensed to make the scene more efficient.
  • The conflict between Joyce and Jonathan about Will's whereabouts is not fully explored or resolved in this scene. It feels unresolved and leaves the audience hanging.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is unclear. It starts with a sense of urgency and panic, but then transitions to a more mundane conversation between Joyce and Karen.
  • The significant visual elements of the Dungeons and Dragons game pieces and the bedroom setting are not utilized effectively in this scene. They could be incorporated more to enhance the atmosphere and add visual interest.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Jonathan leaving to look for Will, but it doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion or resolution to the conflict.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Joyce lacks depth and could be more engaging and revealing of their characters.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed and could benefit from more pauses and moments of reflection.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose. It doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transition or establishing shot to indicate the change in location.
  • Reconsider the introduction of Jonathan Byers and his role in the scene. Make sure his presence serves a clear purpose.
  • Condense the dialogue between Joyce and Jonathan to make it more efficient and impactful.
  • Explore the conflict between Joyce and Jonathan about Will's whereabouts in more depth and provide a resolution or hint at a resolution.
  • Clarify the emotional tone of the scene and make sure it is consistent throughout.
  • Utilize the Dungeons and Dragons game pieces and the bedroom setting more effectively to enhance the atmosphere and add visual interest.
  • Provide a more satisfying conclusion or resolution to the conflict before the scene ends.
  • Develop the dialogue between Karen and Joyce to make it more engaging and revealing of their characters.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow for more pauses and moments of reflection.
  • Ensure that the scene has a clear focus and purpose that advances the plot or develops the characters.



Scene 7 -  The Mysterious Note
EXT. MONTAUK MIDDLE SCHOOL - MORNING

EEEEEEEEE! AN ELECTRONIC BELL BLARES.

We are outside MONTAUK PUBLIC SCHOOL, a quaint one-story
brick building. An American flag waves in the breeze.

Mike pulls up on his bike. He slots it into a bike rack.

VOICE (O.S.)
Holy shit Wheeler!

Mike looks up to find two older kids, JAMES and TROY, 14,
striding over to him. They’re staring at his birthmark.

TROY
I think it grew over the weekend!

JAMES
You really gotta get that looked
at, Wheeler! Might be cancer or
some shit!

They laugh. Mike simply ignores them. This is a regular
occurrence and this is how he handles it: with passivity.

Today, at least, it works: James and Troy shove past him.

Lucas pulls up on his bike. Glares at the bullies.

LUCAS
Assholes.

Mike shrugs it off like it’s no big deal, even though it
clearly is. But his mood brightens when he spots...

JENNIFER HAYES. Freckled, cute, with a gaggle of POPULAR
FRIENDS.

Lucas punches Mike in the arm.

LUCAS (CONT’D)
Jesus, Mike! Reflections!

MIKE
What?

LUCAS
Reflections. Use them, remember?
You can’t just stare like some
creeper.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
20.

MIKE
I wasn’t staring.

The boys begin to walk toward school.

MIKE (CONT’D)
You seen Will around?

LUCAS
No -- why?

MIKE
I don’t know -- his mom called this
morning, looking for him.

LUCAS
I’m sure he’s just in class.

MIKE
Yeah...

Mike’s gaze drifts back over Jennifer.

Lucas punches him again.

LUCAS
REFLECTIONS!

INT. STATION WAGON - SCHOOL PARKING LOT - MORNING

Nancy gauges her reflection in the rearview mirror.

She is in the driver’s seat of a HAND-ME-DOWN 1972 STATION
WAGON. “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen plays on the
radio. She fusses over herself, carefully applying her
mascara and blush, but she is unhappy with everything.

The song begins to skip. The radio signal stutters.

Nancy looks down at in confusion. What the hell?

A WARNING BELL BLARES. Out of time. Fuck.

EXT. LONG ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Nancy exits the station wagon and hurries toward school.

INT. MONTAUK HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING - LATER

Nancy wades through a bustling hallway.

BARBARA, 16, her best friend, braces, catches up.

BARBARA TV Calling - For educational purposes only
So? Did he call?
21.

NANCY
Keep your voice down --

BARBARA
Did he?!

Nancy shakes her head. Walks up to her locker.

NANCY
I told you, he doesn’t like me.

Barbara shoots her a look.

NANCY (CONT’D)
Okay, I mean, yes, fine, he likes
me, you know, but not like that --

Nancy silences. There is a FOLDED NOTE taped to the inside
her locker. It is addressed “NANCY.” She opens it. It reads:

MEET ME. GIRLS BATHROOM. STEVE.

Nancy looks up at Barbara. Speechless.

BARBARA
You were saying, Nance?
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Mike and his friends arrive at school and encounter bullies. Mike notices his friend Will is missing and Lucas tries to distract him. Meanwhile, Nancy receives a mysterious note from a boy named Steve.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes tension and mystery, introduces important plot points and characters, and sets up the emotional stakes for the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more memorable and the emotional impact could be stronger."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes tension and mystery with the disappearance of Will and the introduction of the mysterious note.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and a mysterious note adds intrigue and hooks the audience.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward with the introduction of the mystery surrounding Will's disappearance and Nancy's involvement with the note.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of bullying and teenage romance is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced and their relationships and dynamics are established.

Character Changes: 5

There is not much character change in this scene, as it primarily focuses on establishing the situation and mystery.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to handle the bullying he faces with passivity. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and his fear of confrontation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find his friend Will, who is missing. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his desire to ensure his friend's safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is some conflict between Mike and the bullies, but it is relatively minor compared to the larger mystery of Will's disappearance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the presence of bullies and the protagonist's search for his missing friend creating obstacles and challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the disappearance of Will and the mysterious note, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mystery of Will's disappearance and Nancy's involvement.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious note and the potential for unexpected events to unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene does not have a strong emotional impact, but sets up the emotional stakes for the characters.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to establish the characters and their relationships, but does not stand out as particularly memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflicts and challenges for the protagonist, as well as hints at potential romantic developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and reflection, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could benefit from more character development and interaction. The focus is mainly on the game and the interruption, but there is little insight into the boys' personalities or relationships with each other.
  • The dialogue is effective in conveying the playful and suspenseful tone, but it could be more natural and authentic to how 12-year-old boys would speak.
  • The visual elements are well-described and add to the atmosphere of the scene, but there could be more sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the setting and action.
  • The conflict of the interruption by Karen is resolved quickly and without much consequence, which could be a missed opportunity for further tension and character development.
  • Overall, the scene is a solid foundation for the story, but could benefit from more depth and nuance in character and conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more dialogue and actions that reveal the boys' personalities and relationships with each other, such as inside jokes or teasing.
  • Research how 12-year-old boys would realistically speak and incorporate that into the dialogue.
  • Include more sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the setting and action, such as the smell of pizza or the sound of the wind outside.
  • Explore the conflict of Karen's interruption further, such as having the boys try to hide the game or argue with Karen about why they should be allowed to continue playing.
  • Consider adding a small twist or surprise to the scene to keep the reader engaged and interested.



Scene 8 -  Nancy and Steve's Encounter
INT. GIRL’S BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Nancy slips into the girl’s bathroom. It looks vacant.

WHOOM! Someone grabs her and spins her around. It is...

STEVE HARRINGTON, 17, wealthy, athletic, charm to spare.

NANCY
Steve! SHIT. You scared me.

She playfully shoves him back, but Steve just moves closer.
He puts his hands on her waist and kisses her on the mouth.

NANCY (CONT’D)
Steve -- What are you doing...?

He kisses her again. Nancy blushes and shrinks away.

NANCY (CONT’D)
...Have you been drinking? Steve?

Steve doesn’t answer. He just kisses her some more. Body
pressing up against hers. Nancy gives in, consumed by
hormonal lust, when...

THE BELL RINGS AGAIN. FINAL WARNING.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
22.

Nancy crashes back to reality. She quickly pulls away from
Steve and hurries toward the door. Completely flustered.

NANCY (CONT’D)
I -- I have to go --

But Steve grabs her hand, holding her back.

STEVE
Five more minutes --

NANCY
I can’t -- I have Mrs. Kreitzberg
first period, she always gives a
pop quiz --

STEVE
What about tonight?

NANCY
What -- ?

STEVE
There’s gonna be bonfire at Turtle
Cove. Chrissy’ll be there, Donna,
so will Tommy L. and Tommy H. --

NANCY
I... I have a chemistry test
tomorrow --

STEVE
What’s your GPA again? Three point
ninenineineninenine-- ?

NANCY
Shut up!

STEVE
Come on. It’ll be good times.

She hesitates. Wavering.

NANCY
Can I bring Barb?

STEVE
Bring Mrs. Kreitzberg for all I
care.

NANCY
(laughs)
Maybe.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
23.

STEVE
Maybe you’ll bring Mrs. Kreitzberg?
Or maybe you’ll come?

NANCY
Just... Maybe.

Nancy hurries out of the bathroom. Trying to hide her smile.

Steve grins. He knows he got her. Hook, line, and sinker.

EXT. MONTAUK POLICE STATION - MORNING

An American flag flutters in the wind. High on a flagpole.

We are outside the MONTAUK POLICE STATION. It is quaint. As
in, really quaint. If the sign out front didn’t read
POLICE, you’d probably mistake it for a gift shop.

A CHEVY BLAZER POLICE CAR squeals into the lot.

Hopper exits. Dragging on another cigarette.

Still hungover.

EXT. MONTAUK POLICE STATION - MORNING

Hopper lumbers inside. Beelines for the coffee machine.

DEPUTIES CALLAHAN and DEPUTY POWELL look up from a game of
five card draw, their cowboy boots kicked up on their desks.

The mood here is casual, to say the least.

DEPUTY CALLAHAN
You look like shit, Chief.

HOPPER
Your wife looked worse when I left
her.

Hopper begins to make himself a cup of coffee.

His secretary, FLORENCE, 61, approaches. Pad and pen in hand.

FLORENCE
Tell your boys to get their feet
off the desk. This in’t a barn.

Hopper snaps his fingers. The Deputies roll their eyes but
oblige.

Florence adjusts her glasses and consults a note pad.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
24.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
While you were sleeping or drinking
or whatever it is you deem so
important on Monday mornings, Carl
Blackburn came by the office, says
he saw Earl and his boys
spearfishing --

HOPPER
(won’t look into it)
Tell him I’ll look into it --

FLORENCE
-- And Terry Ives called again,
yammering on about some more
activity last night at Camp Hero --

HOPPER
Tell him I’ve seen that Twilight
Zone. No, scratch that, don’t
encourage him. If he calls again,
cite him for wasting my time.

FLORENCE
It is precious.

HOPPER
Damn straight.

Hopper carries his coffee to his office. Florence trails.

FLORENCE
Another thing. Joyce Byers, she
can’t find her son this mornin’ --

HOPPER
(won’t look into it)
I’ll look into it.

Hopper walks into his office. He crashes to a stop.

Joyce is already in his office.

And she doesn’t look happy.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Nancy is surprised by Steve in the girl's bathroom. They have a flirtatious encounter, but Nancy is reminded of her responsibilities and leaves. Meanwhile, Chief Hopper starts his day at the police station and receives updates on various cases, including a missing boy.
Strengths "Strong character development, effective dialogue, and a mix of genres."
Weaknesses "The stakes could be higher and the theme could be explored more deeply."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the characters and their relationships, introduces conflicts, and creates tension.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a missing boy and the mysterious events at Camp Hero are intriguing and set up the central mystery of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward by introducing conflicts and setting up future events, such as Nancy's decision to attend the bonfire and Chief Hopper's investigation into the missing boy.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and fresh. The actions and dialogue of the characters reflect the authenticity of teenage experiences.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

Nancy experiences a moment of temptation but ultimately chooses her responsibilities over indulgence.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to resist Steve's advances and maintain her focus on her academic responsibilities. This reflects her deeper need for independence and her fear of being distracted from her goals.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to leave the bathroom and go to her next class. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being late for class and the challenge of balancing her personal life with her academic responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between Nancy's desire to have fun and her responsibilities, as well as the tension between Chief Hopper and his secretary.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces the challenge of resisting Steve's advances and maintaining her focus on her academic responsibilities. The audience is left uncertain about how she will respond.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, but the mention of a missing boy adds some intrigue.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces conflicts and sets up future events, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a romantic encounter that is interrupted by the ringing of the bell. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will respond to Steve's invitation.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of excitement, tension, and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and advances the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable and emotionally charged situation. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and anticipation. The quick dialogue exchanges and the interruption of the bell add to the rhythm of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and presents their goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The transition between Nancy and Steve's interaction and Hopper's introduction at the police station feels abrupt and disconnected. Consider finding a smoother way to transition between these two scenes.
  • The dialogue between Nancy and Steve lacks depth and feels somewhat cliché. Explore ways to make their conversation more unique and authentic to their characters.
  • The scene at the police station feels a bit stagnant and lacks a clear sense of purpose. Consider adding more tension or conflict to make the scene more engaging.
  • The dialogue between Hopper and Florence feels a bit forced and unnatural. Try to make their conversation flow more smoothly and sound more like natural dialogue.
  • The introduction of Joyce Byers at the end of the scene feels sudden and unexpected. Consider foreshadowing her presence earlier in the scene to create a smoother transition.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting.
  • Consider adding more subtext and underlying emotions to the characters' interactions to make the scene more layered and compelling.
Suggestions
  • To improve the transition between scenes, consider finding a thematic or narrative connection between Nancy and Steve's interaction and Hopper's introduction at the police station. This could be done through visual or dialogue cues that bridge the two scenes.
  • To make the dialogue between Nancy and Steve more unique, try to incorporate specific details about their characters and their relationship. This will help to make their conversation more authentic and interesting.
  • To add more tension and conflict to the scene at the police station, consider introducing a specific problem or challenge that Hopper needs to address. This could create a sense of urgency and drive the scene forward.
  • To improve the dialogue between Hopper and Florence, try to make their conversation more conversational and natural. Avoid overly formal or stilted language and focus on creating a sense of familiarity and rapport between the characters.
  • To foreshadow Joyce Byers' presence and create a smoother transition, consider incorporating hints or references to her earlier in the scene. This could be done through dialogue or visual cues that subtly build anticipation for her arrival.
  • To enhance the atmosphere and setting, add more visual descriptions that capture the mood and details of the locations. This will help to immerse the reader in the scene and create a more vivid reading experience.
  • To add depth to the characters' interactions, focus on their underlying emotions and subtext. Consider what each character wants or needs in the scene and how their actions and dialogue reflect those desires.



Scene 9 -  The Search Begins
INT. HOOPER’S OFFICE - MORNING

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Type hammers slam ink onto a police report.

A single, ominous word forms one letter at a time: “MISSING.”

Hopper looks up from the typewriter. He now has on a pair of
reading glasses, which lend him a more earnest look. His
desk, however, shatters the illusion; it’s
TV Calling cluttered
- For withpurposes only
educational
PAPERS and MUGS and CANDY WRAPPERS, like the desk of a child.
25.

Joyce paces. Dragging on cigarette. She’s on edge. So far out
she might just fall right off.

JOYCE
I’ve been waiting an hour --

HOPPER
And I apologize again --

JOYCE
A GODDAMN HOUR --

HOPPER
I understand. But a boy his age,
most likely he’s playing hookie --

JOYCE
Not my Will, no. He wouldn’t do
that. He’s not like that --

HOPPER
You never know. My mother thought I
was on the debate team, when really
I was screwing Chrissy Carpenter in
the back of my dad’s boat --

JOYCE
Will’s not like you. He’s not like
me. He’s not like most.

She’s takes another drag on her cigarette. Fights tears.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
He’s got a couple of friends. But
everyone else, they -- they make
fun of him. Call him names, laugh
at him, his clothes --

HOPPER
His clothes? What’s wrong with his
clothes?

JOYCE
Too... too colorful -- I, I don’t
know. Does it fucking matter?

HOPPER
Maybe.

Joyce takes another drag.

JOYCE
He’s just... different, alright?
Lonnie... Lonnie always said he- was
TV Calling For educational purposes only
queer -- called him a fag.
26.

HOPPER
Is he?

JOYCE
What?

HOPPER
A fag.

JOYCE
He’s missing. That’s what he is.

Hopper scratches his stubble.

HOPPER
You hear from Lonnie lately?

Joyce hesitates. This is an uncomfortable subject.

JOYCE
He was in Philly last I heard. That
was ‘bout a year ago. But he’s got
nothing to do with this. He doesn’t
give two shits about that boy.

Hopper rummages around his desk. Unearths a pen and a pad.

HOPPER
What’s his number?

JOYCE
I told you, Lonnie’s got nothin to
do with this --

HOPPER
Kid goes missing, ninety-nine times
outta a hundred the kid’s with a
parent or relative --

JOYCE
What about the other time?

HOPPER
What?

JOYCE
You said ninety-nine outta hundred.
What about the other time? The one.

Hopper removes his reading glasses. Leans forward.

HOPPER
This is Montauk, Joyce. In four
years, you know the worst thing- For educational purposes only
TV Calling
I’ve seen? You know what it was?
(MORE)
27.
HOPPER (CONT'D)
(beat)
When that seagull attacked Eleanor
Gillepsie. Thought her hair was a
nest. Was about five seconds from
shittin’ an egg when we showed.

Hopper chuckles at the memory. Trying to lighten the mood.

Joyce begins to relax a little. But only a little.

JOYCE
I’ll call Lonnie. He’ll talk to me
before he talks to a --

HOPPER
Pig?

JOYCE
Cop.

Joyce sits down. She snuffs her cigarette in an ashtray. Then
she looks back up at Hopper. Her eyes are bloodshot. Glassy.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
You find my son, Hop. Find him.

Hopper takes this in. All at once he feels burdened with a
responsibility he doesn’t want. He finds his composure,
nudges his glasses back on his nose, and resumes typing.

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Hammer type SLAMS paper.

INT. CAMP HERO - SUBTERRANEAN TUNNEL SYSTEM - DAY

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Shoes SLAM tile.

THREE AGENTS stride briskly down Camp Hero’s underground
tunnel. They wear gloves, gas masks, plastic overshoes.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Joyce and Hopper discuss Will's disappearance and Joyce's concerns about his well-being. Hopper tries to reassure her while also investigating the possibility of Will being with a relative. Joyce agrees to call Will's father, Lonnie, for help. Meanwhile, agents search the underground tunnel system at Camp Hero.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes the emotional stakes and tension surrounding Will's disappearance, as well as introducing new elements of mystery and intrigue. The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clear."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and memorable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the emotional stakes and tension surrounding Will's disappearance, as well as introducing new elements of mystery and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a missing child and the investigation that follows is a familiar one, but the addition of the underground tunnel system adds an intriguing twist.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward as Joyce and Hopper discuss the situation and make plans to find Will. The introduction of the underground tunnel system adds a new layer of mystery to the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a missing child is a familiar one, the dialogue and character interactions bring authenticity to the scene. The actions and dialogue of the characters feel genuine and reflect their individual personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Joyce and Hopper are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clear. Their interactions reveal their personalities and the dynamics of their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

There is some character development for Joyce and Hopper as they confront their fears and take on new responsibilities in the search for Will.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find the missing boy and solve the case. This reflects his desire to protect and serve the community and his fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the missing boy from the boy's mother. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the case and finding the boy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between Joyce and Hopper as they discuss Will's disappearance and their differing opinions on the situation. The conflict is not overly intense but adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is some conflict between the protagonist and Joyce regarding the investigation, it is not a major obstacle that creates high stakes or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as a child is missing and the characters are desperate to find him. The emotional impact and potential danger add to the sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the search for Will and introducing new elements of mystery and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's humorous anecdote and the mention of the missing boy's brother. These elements add complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful as it explores the fear and worry of a mother whose child is missing, as well as the burden of responsibility felt by Hopper.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and concerns of the characters, but could be more impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and conflict, and the dialogue between the characters reveals their motivations and emotions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The dialogue and action are well-paced, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. While the boys are playing the game and trying to defeat the Demogorgon, there is no real consequence or stakes involved. It would be more engaging if there was a consequence for losing the game or if the boys had a time limit to defeat the Demogorgon.
  • The dialogue between the boys feels a bit generic and lacks distinct voices for each character. It would be helpful to give each character a unique personality and way of speaking to make the scene more interesting.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader in the setting. Adding details about the room, the game pieces, and the boys' reactions would help bring the scene to life.
  • The ending of the scene with Karen interrupting the game feels abrupt and could be better developed. It would be more effective to build up the interruption and create a sense of anticipation before Karen enters the room.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a consequence or stakes for losing the game, such as a penalty or a time limit, to create more tension and engagement.
  • Develop distinct voices and personalities for each character to make the dialogue more engaging and realistic.
  • Add more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader in the setting.
  • Build up the interruption by Karen, creating a sense of anticipation before she enters the room.



Scene 10 -  The Agents' Discovery
INT. CAMP HERO - LABORATORY - DAY

The Agents enter the laboratory. Or what still remains of it.

MEDICAL OFFICERS IN HAZMAT SUITS place bloody body parts into
plastic bags, mop up blood, and remove charred equipment.

AGENT ONE removes his gas mask.

He has slicked back hair. Piercing green eyes.

AGENT TWO
Sir, your mask --

Agent One ignores him. He walks TV
over to the
Calling ISOLATION
- For TANK.
educational purposes only
28.

He opens its cylindrical roof. A ladder slithers down into
water. A TANGLE OF WIRES and ELECTRODES float on the surface.

This tank once held someone. Something?

He turns back to the others.

AGENT ONE
Where is Eleven?

AGENT THREE
We don’t know.

Agent One considers.

His gaze shifts to a SURVEILLANCE CAMERA on the ceiling.

INT. CAMP HERO - SURVEILLANCE ROOM - DAY

An ENGINEER toggles through SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE.

The Agents stand behind him. Making him nervous.

ENGINEER
Okay, this is it...

The Engineer hits play.

Low definition video shows us the LABORATORY from last night,
only now we are back in time; the scientists are still very
much alive, huddled around that strange metal door frame.

There is a confusion of activity, shouting, followed by a
VIOLENT BURST OF A LIGHT. It looks like an explosion. Then...

HISS! Static engulfs the surveillance image.

Beneath this static, we glimpse SHADOWED MOVEMENT. But just
for a few frames. And then the static dissipates to reveal...

The scientists dead on the ground. Blood everywhere.

One of the scientists climbs to his feet. Still alive.

He staggers out the door and into the corridor.

We are back to the beginning of our story.

The video snaps to BLACK.

ENGINEER (CONT’D)
There’s nothing else. All the
cameras -- they just... cut out.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
29.

AGENT ONE
Go back. Ten seconds.

The Engineer wipes sweat from his forehead. Rewinds.

AGENT ONE (CONT’D)
There.

The Engineer pauses the tape.

AGENT ONE (CONT’D)
Go forward. Four frames.

The Engineer complies. One frame... Two... Three... Four.

There is someone... SOMETHING... captured on the video. It is
obscured beneath static, but we see enough to know that this
is the Figure that Will saw last night. For the first time,
we glimpse its small black eyes, buried in pockets of pale,
withered flesh.

AGENT TWO
(low)
...What the hell is that...?

A beat.

AGENT ONE
Eleven will know.
(beat)
Find her.

Agent One strides away. The door slams shut behind him.

Agents two and three return their gaze to the monitor.
Frightened. The frozen video waves and undulates.

Making the figure appear to bend, stutter.

Making it seem almost...

Alive.

END ACT TWO




TV Calling - For educational purposes only
30.

ACT THREE

EXT. WOODS - DAY

A YOUNG GIRL, 10, emerges out of the woods.

She makes an immediate impression on us: Her hair is buzzed
close to the scalp. Her feet are bare. Her skin is pale. She
wears a tattered white hospital gown spattered with BLOOD.

She is more like a wild animal than a child.

EXT. EMPTY ROAD - DAY

The Young Girl pads barefoot down an empty road.

She sees a RUN-DOWN RESTAURANT in the distance.

A rusted sign reads: “BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY.”

EXT. BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY - DAY

The Young Girl approaches the restaurant.

She stands on her tiptoes and peers into a smudged window.

BENNY HAMMOND, late 40s, lumbers past the window carrying
THREE PLATES OF FISH AND CHIPS. He has leathery skin, sleeve
tattoos, and a greasy apron wrapped around his waist.

He drops the plates off at a table of ELDERLY REGULARS.

They chain-smoke, speak with thick islander accents.

REGULAR #1
Benny, you hear ‘bout Earl and the
chickens?

BENNY
The chickens? What chickens?

REGULAR #2
Earl, see, he wanted to bring a
crate of chickens ‘board Mundo’s
boat, thought it’d be a fine idea
to feed ‘em to the great whites --

Benny guffaws as Regular #2 continues his yarn.

But the Young Girl is only interested in their food.

She’s starving.

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
31.

EXT. BACK OF BENNY’S RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER

The Girl sneaks around the back of the restaurant.

There is a GIANT ROTTWEILER lying out front of the back door.
Its fat belly rises and falls. Rises and falls. It’s asleep.

The Girl watches it for a moment. Makes sure it doesn’t wake.

And then sneaks inside.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary The Agents enter a destroyed laboratory and discuss the disappearance of Eleven. They review surveillance footage that shows the scientists alive and then dead. They catch a glimpse of the Figure that Will saw. Agent One orders them to find Eleven. In the next scene, a young girl emerges from the woods and approaches a run-down restaurant.
Strengths "The scene is filled with tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged. The introduction of the young girl adds a new element to the story."
Weaknesses "There is not much character development or emotional depth in this scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is filled with tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret laboratory, missing children, and a mysterious Figure adds depth and intrigue to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot moves forward as the Agents discover the surveillance footage and make a connection to Will's experience. The introduction of the young girl adds a new element to the story.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the post-apocalyptic setting and mystery elements are familiar, the specific details and the introduction of the Figure add a fresh and intriguing twist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of the Agents and the young girl are intriguing and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 6

There is not much character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Eleven and uncover the truth about the mysterious events in the laboratory. This reflects their desire for knowledge and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to analyze the surveillance footage and gather information about what happened in the laboratory. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the mystery and finding answers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is conflict between the Agents and the unknown Figure, as well as the conflict of finding Eleven.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges in finding Eleven and understanding the events in the laboratory. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the Agents search for Eleven and try to understand the mysterious events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene reveals important information about the laboratory and the Figure, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious Figure and raises questions about the events in the laboratory. The audience doesn't know what will happen next or what the Figure's role is.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the power of knowledge and their fear of the unknown. The presence of the Figure challenges their worldview and raises questions about the nature of the events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene creates a sense of fear and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a mystery and raises questions that make the audience curious to know more. The introduction of the Figure and the revelation of the surveillance footage create suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and tension. The use of surveillance footage and the revelation of the Figure are timed to create impactful moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and builds suspense through the revelation of the surveillance footage.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong setup, establishing the boys playing Dungeons and Dragons and the scenario they are in.
  • The introduction of the army of Troglodytes and the Demogorgon adds suspense and excitement to the scene.
  • The interruption by Mike's mom, Karen, creates a conflict and adds a sense of realism to the scene.
  • The dialogue between the boys and Karen could be more engaging and reflective of their personalities.
  • The visual elements of the Dungeons and Dragons game pieces and the bedroom setting could be further utilized to enhance the scene.
  • The ending of the scene with Karen interrupting the game leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more unique and distinct dialogue for each of the boys to showcase their individual personalities.
  • Explore ways to visually represent the Dungeons and Dragons game pieces and the bedroom setting to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Build up the suspense and tension as the boys try to defeat the Demogorgon, creating a more thrilling and engaging sequence.
  • Consider adding a cliffhanger or a twist at the end of the scene to leave the audience eagerly anticipating the next scene.



Scene 11 -  The Girl in the Fish 'n Fry
INT. FISH ‘N FRY - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

The Young Girl finds herself in a greasy kitchen. FRENCH
FRIES sizzle in a deep fryer. Oil SPITS. She startles.

She hurries past and pushes through a door into...

A STORAGE ROOM.

A RUSTY FREEZER hums against the back wall.

The Girl yanks back on the handle. It yawns open.

Her eyes shoot wide. The shelves are packed with FRESH FISH.

She snatches up a DEEPWATER COD. So big that she can hardly
hold it in her tiny hands. She turns it over onto its side,
studies it, smells it. Has she never seen fish before?

She bites its fat glistening belly and --

Freezes again. Listening.

BENNY (O.S.)
Sticking with Narragansett, Earl?

REGULAR #2 (O.S.)
Ya gotta ask?

She hears LUMBERING FOOTSTEPS. Someone is coming this way.

She grabs up as many fish as she can carry and --

INT. FISH ‘N FRY - KITCHEN

The Girl charges back into the kitchen. Fish in arms.

Benny spots her. Shouts:

BENNY
HEY -- !

The Girl bolts for the back door.
TV She knocks
Calling - Forover the DEEP
educational purposes only
FRYER and sends a RAIN OF HOT OIL splashing onto the floor.
32.

Benny leaps away. Narrowly avoiding the oil.

BENNY (CONT’D)
SONOFA -- !

EXT. BACK OF BENNY’S RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER

WHOOM! The Girl explodes out the screen door and --

Crashes to a halt. THE ROTTWEILER stands in her path. Awake.

It bares its teeth and snarls angrily and --

WHAM! Benny grabs the Girl by the shoulders.

BENNY
Think you can steal from me, boy!

Benny whirls her around. His expression promptly softens as
he realizes that this is no boy at all. It’s also not a girl
either, not exactly, at least not like any he has ever seen.

Regulars #2, drawn by the commotion, steps outside.

REGULAR #2
What’d you catch there, Benny?

Benny looks back at the Young Girl. She writhes in his arms.

He notices her hospital gown. Spattered in BLOOD.

BENNY
...I got no idea.

INT. MONTAUK MIDDLE SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - DAY

MR. CLARKE, 30s, paces in front of a middle school class.

He is magnetic, smart. Handsome too. The girls ogle.

MR. CLARKE
Who here enjoys mysteries?

All of the girls immediately shoot up their hands. Most of
the boys do too, including Mike, Lucas, and Dustin.

MR. CLARKE (CONT’D)
Good, good. Because I want you to
start thinking of this class as an
investigation into the greatest
mysteries known to man. You’ll need
to learn to think beyond your own
senses. This means using your
imagination. TV Calling - For educational purposes only
(MORE)
33.
MR. CLARKE (CONT’D)
I don’t know how many of you
watched Cosmos like I asked...
(more hands)
...You may remember something Carl
Sagan said: ”Imagination will often
carry us to worlds that never were,
but without it... we go nowhere-- “

A SHARP KNOCKING SOUND interrupts. Mr. Clarke turns.

The VICE PRINCIPAL is standing in the doorway.

VICE PRINCIPAL
Sorry to interrupt... may I borrow
Michael, Lucas, and Dustin?

Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan now step into view.

The stunned class looks from the cops to our kids.

Mike, Lucas, and Dustin stare.

HOPPER (PRE-LAP)
...So you were...racing?
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary A young girl finds herself in a greasy kitchen and discovers a storage room filled with fresh fish. She is interrupted by someone approaching and quickly grabs as many fish as she can carry. She is chased by the restaurant owner and encounters a menacing Rottweiler. The scene then shifts to a middle school science class where the teacher discusses mysteries and imagination. The class is interrupted by the arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan, who request the presence of three students.
Strengths "The scene effectively creates suspense and mystery, introduces new characters and conflicts, and raises questions about the overall plot."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and memorable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of suspense and mystery. The introduction of the young girl and her actions in the fish restaurant create intrigue and tension. The shift to the science class adds depth to the story and introduces the presence of the police, raising the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young girl finding herself in a mysterious situation and being chased by the restaurant owner is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The introduction of the science class and the presence of the police adds layers to the story and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the young girl's discovery of the fish storage room and her attempt to escape with the fish. The interruption of the science class by the police adds a new element to the plot and raises questions about the connection between the girl and the police.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters add a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, including the young girl, the restaurant owner, and the science teacher, are well-defined and contribute to the overall story. The introduction of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan adds depth to the character roster and raises questions about their involvement in the story.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character development or change in the scene. The focus is more on introducing new characters and setting up future conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the restaurant with the stolen fish. This reflects her desire for freedom and independence, as well as her resourcefulness and determination.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught by Benny and the Rottweiler. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and the danger she is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the young girl's attempt to steal fish and escape, as well as the presence of the menacing Rottweiler. The interruption of the science class by the police adds another layer of conflict and raises questions about the connection between the girl and the police.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces obstacles in the form of Benny and the Rottweiler, and the audience is unsure of how she will overcome them.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are raised by the presence of the menacing Rottweiler and the interruption of the science class by the police. The audience is left wondering about the connection between the young girl and the police, creating anticipation for future events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the young girl and the police, and raising questions about their connection to the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know how the protagonist will escape from the restaurant or what will happen when she encounters the Rottweiler.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene creates a sense of tension and intrigue, but does not elicit strong emotional responses from the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is functional and serves to move the plot forward. There are no particularly memorable or impactful lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a high-stakes situation and creates tension through the protagonist's actions and the reactions of the other characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension through quick and concise action lines and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The transition between the young girl stealing fish and the science class feels abrupt and disconnected. It may be helpful to find a way to better connect these two scenes.
  • The introduction of the young girl and her hospital gown spattered in blood is intriguing, but it is not clear how this connects to the rest of the story. It may be helpful to provide more context or explanation in future scenes.
  • The dialogue in the science class feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose. It may be helpful to find a more subtle way to convey the themes of imagination and mystery.
  • The introduction of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan feels sudden and unexpected. It may be helpful to provide more context or build up to their appearance in this scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider finding a way to better connect the two scenes, perhaps by introducing a character or element that ties them together.
  • Provide more context or explanation for the young girl's appearance and the blood on her hospital gown.
  • Find a more subtle way to convey the themes of imagination and mystery in the science class dialogue.
  • Consider building up to the appearance of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan in this scene, or finding a way to introduce them more smoothly.



Scene 12 -  Investigating Mirkwood
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Our three boys are now scrunched together on a couch.

Hopper and Callahan sit opposite.

DUSTIN
It was me and him, actually --

LUCAS
My house is the first up -

MIKE
He takes Mirkwood home --

DUSTIN
We were racing on a bet and --

HOPPER
Whoa, whoa, WHOA. One at a time.
(points at Mike)
You. You said he takes... what?

MIKE
Mirkwood --

HOPPER
Mirkwood?
(to Callahan) TV Calling - For educational purposes only
You ever hear of a Mirkwood?
34.

CALLAHAN
Sounds made up.

LUCAS
It’s from Lord of the Rings --

DUSTIN
The Hobbit --

LUCAS
It doesn’t matter -- !

DUSTIN
He asked -- !

HOPPER
Hey! What’d I just say? One at a
goddamn time.

He points at Mike.

HOPPER (CONT’D)
You.

MIKE
Mirkwood. It’s a real road. It’s
just the name that’s made-up --

HOPPER
What’s it’s real name?

MIKE
I don’t know. It’s by Camp Hero.
Where Crook’s Cove and Kerley meet.

Hop jots this information down onto his pad.

HOPPER
Yeah, I think I know it.

MIKE
We can show you --

HOOPER
I said I know it.

MIKE
We could help look --

Hopper looks up at Mike sharply.

HOPPER
No -- after school, you go straight
home. All of you. TV Calling - For educational purposes only
35.

He looks at the other boys. Making eye contact with each.

HOPPER (CONT’D)
That means no biking around looking
for your friend, no investigating,
no nonsense. This isn’t some Hobbit
book. I make myself clear?
(the boys share looks)
I make myself clear?

The boys share looks. Worried. Shaken by his tone.

They nod.

INT. BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY - KITCHEN - DAY

SNAP-HISS! An Atlantic Cod fries in oil. Benny tends it.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Adventure"]

Summary The boys provide information about Will's whereabouts to Chief Hopper, who warns them against further investigation. Hopper displays his knowledge of the area and instructs the boys to go straight home after school. The boys are worried and shaken by Hopper's tone.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the conflict between the boys' desire to help and Hopper's instructions. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information."
Weaknesses "There could be more character development and emotional depth in the scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the stakes for the characters. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of investigating a missing boy and the introduction of a fictional location adds intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the boys provide information and Hopper sets boundaries for their involvement in the investigation.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of searching for a missing friend is familiar, the reference to Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit adds a unique element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' concerns and reactions to Hopper's instructions are well-portrayed, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

There is not much character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the conflict and boundaries.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Hopper to let them help look for their missing friend. This reflects their deeper need for friendship, loyalty, and the desire to take action in a difficult situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the location of their missing friend. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in trying to find him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between the boys' desire to help and Hopper's instructions to stay out of the investigation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Hopper opposes the boys' request to help find their friend. The audience doesn't know how Hopper will respond, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the boys' friend is missing and there is a sense of danger in the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing important information about the investigation and setting boundaries for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Hopper will respond to the boys' request to help find their friend. There is a sense of uncertainty and tension in the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes worry and concern from the characters, which can resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and authority of Chief Hopper, as well as the boys' worry and desire to help.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the boys and Hopper, creating tension and suspense. The audience is invested in the outcome and wants to know if the boys will be able to help find their friend.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension through the characters' dialogue and reactions. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, introduces the characters, and progresses through their dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more character development for Hopper and Callahan. Their personalities and motivations are not clear in this scene.
  • The dialogue could be more natural and less stilted. The boys' lines feel scripted and not like how real kids would talk.
  • The scene lacks action and could benefit from more movement or visual interest.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be more nuanced. It is mostly serious and tense, but could benefit from moments of humor or warmth to break up the tension.
  • The scene ends abruptly and could benefit from a more satisfying conclusion or cliffhanger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more backstory or personality traits for Hopper and Callahan to make them more interesting and dynamic characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural and like how real kids would talk.
  • Add more movement or visual interest to the scene, such as having the boys fidget or interact with the environment.
  • Add moments of humor or warmth to break up the tension and make the scene more engaging.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more satisfying note, such as with a cliffhanger or a reveal that raises the stakes for the characters.



Scene 13 -  Eleven's Discovery
INT. DINING AREA - MOMENTS LATER

Benny slides a plate of FISH AND CHIPS to the Young Girl.

She is seated at a table in the dining room. It is just her
now; the regulars are gone. Her gown has been replaced with
a “Fish ‘N Fry” T-shirt. It droops to her knees like a dress.

The Young Girl stares at the food with wide eyes.

BENNY
Figured you’re gonna eat my food
anyway, might as well eat it right.

The Young Girl reaches out to pick up the fish but...

BENNY (CONT’D)
I said, right.

Benny splashes HOT SAUCE onto the fish. He nods. “Okay.”

The Girl snatches up the fish and devours it. No utensils.

BENNY (CONT’D)
Your parents forget to feed you?

The Girl doesn’t respond. Just keeps eating.

BENNY (CONT’D)
That why you ran away?

Still nothing.

BENNY (CONT’D)
They... hurt you?
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Nothing.
36.

BENNY (CONT’D)
And... you went to the hospital,
that it? But you got scared, ran
off, found your way here?

The Girl finally looks up at Benny. Has he hit close to the
mark? It seems like she is finally going to speak, but
instead she nudges her empty plate over to Benny.

The message is clear: “more.”

BENNY (CONT’D)
How ‘bout this: you get more, much
as you like, but first, you gotta
answer a few ‘a my questions. We
got a deal?

No response.

BENNY (CONT’D)
We’ll start easy. My name’s Benny.
Benny Henderson.

He holds out his hand. Wraps it around her tiny hand.

BENNY (CONT’D)
Nice to meet ya. And you are...?

Still no response. Benny sighs. He starts to withdraw his
hand when he notices a SMALL TATTOO on the inside of her
lower left wrist. It reads in simple black lettering: 011.

BENNY (CONT’D)
“Eleven”?

The Young Girl yanks her hand away.

BENNY (CONT’D)
What’s that mean?

YOUNG GIRL
No.

BENNY
Well I’ll be damned. She speaks.
(beat, considers)
No? No what?

Still nothing.

BENNY (CONT’D)
Alright, guess “no” more fish then.

Benny takes her plate and startsTVto walks- away
Calling when:
For educational purposes only
37.

YOUNG GIRL
...Eleven.

Benny turns back around.

BENNY
Eleven. Yeah. What’s it mean?

The Young Girl points to herself.

YOUNG GIRL
Eleven.

INT. FISH ‘N FRY - KITCHEN - DAY

Benny is now on a corded phone in the kitchen. Voice hushed.

More food SIZZLES behind him.

BENNY
...All I know is, poor thing’s
scared to death... confused...
(beat)
I’m tellin’ you Flor, she won’t
talk about her parents. She’s been
abused or kidnapped or somethin’.
You gotta get the Chief --
(beat)
I dont give two shits about a
missing kid, I got a found kid
right here -- I am calm --
(beat)
Yeah, yeah, I got a pen.

Benny grabs a pen from his pocket. Scrawls:

SOCIAL SERVICES. 233-555-4176.

BACK IN THE MAIN ROOM,

“Eleven” waits impatiently for the food. Her legs sway
beneath the table. Back and forth. Back and forth.

She becomes aware of a soft, high pitched noise. Eeeee. Eeee.
Eeee. She looks up. It’s the SCREEN DOOR. The wind is gently
blowing it, causing its hinges to SQUEAK. Eeeee. Eeee. Eeeee.

It is incessant. Annoying. Eleven narrows her eyes and --

The door stops mid-swing. Like it somehow froze.

Eleven looks away. Content now.

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
38.

EXT. FOREST ROAD - DAY

WHOOSH! TWO POLICE CARS speed down the road.

EXT. FOREST ROAD - DAY

The cars pull off onto the side of the road.

Hopper, Callahan, and Powell step outside.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, a young girl finds herself in a greasy kitchen and discovers a storage room filled with fresh fish. She is interrupted by someone approaching and quickly grabs as many fish as she can carry. She is chased by the restaurant owner and encounters a menacing Rottweiler. Meanwhile, Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan arrive at a middle school science class to request the presence of three students who may have information about Will's whereabouts.
Strengths "The strengths of this scene include the suspenseful and mysterious tone, the well-developed plot, and the introduction of intriguing new characters."
Weaknesses "One potential weakness of this scene is the limited character development, as it primarily focuses on introducing new characters and advancing the plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-executed with a strong sense of suspense and mystery. The introduction of the young girl adds an intriguing element to the story, and the chase scene adds excitement and tension. The arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan raises the stakes and further develops the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young girl with mysterious origins and abilities adds depth to the story. The chase scene and the arrival of the police officers add excitement and propel the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed in this scene, with the introduction of the young girl and her connection to the missing Eleven. The chase scene adds a thrilling element and raises the stakes for the characters. The arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan further develops the plot and sets up future events.

Originality: 7

This scene introduces a unique situation of a young girl who has run away and seeks refuge in a restaurant. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene, particularly the young girl and Benny, are intriguing and well-portrayed. The interaction between Benny and the young girl reveals their personalities and motivations. Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan's arrival adds depth to their characters and raises questions about their involvement in the story.

Character Changes: 6

There is not a significant amount of character change in this scene, as it primarily focuses on introducing new characters and developing the plot.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish a connection with the young girl and gain her trust. This reflects Benny's desire to help and protect her, as well as his need for companionship and purpose.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out more about the young girl's background and potentially help her if she has been abused or kidnapped. This reflects the immediate challenge of understanding her situation and providing assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in this scene, both in the chase scene with the restaurant owner and Rottweiler, and in the tension between Benny and the young girl. The arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan adds another layer of conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not very strong, as the young girl does not actively resist Benny's attempts to connect with her. However, her silence and reluctance to speak create a small obstacle for Benny.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with the young girl's mysterious background and the chase scene adding danger and tension. The arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan raises the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

This scene moves the story forward by introducing the young girl and her connection to Eleven, as well as raising questions about her origins and motivations. The arrival of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan also sets up future events and adds to the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the young girl's background and motivations are unknown. The audience is left wondering about her past and what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of concern and curiosity for the young girl and her situation. The tension and suspense also create an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in this scene effectively conveys the tension and mystery. Benny's attempts to get information from the young girl and his conversation with Flor on the phone reveal important details about the plot and the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious young girl and establishes a connection between her and Benny. The dialogue and actions create tension and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and curiosity. The dialogue and actions are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The time period of the scene is unclear and should be specified for clarity.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is tense and mysterious, but it could benefit from more development to fully engage the audience.
  • The dialogue between Benny and Eleven is sparse and could be expanded to reveal more about their characters and motivations.
  • The significance of Eleven's tattoo is not fully explained and could benefit from more context.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the fish and fry kitchen and Eleven's hospital gown, could be used more effectively to create a sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • The scene ends abruptly with the police arriving on scene, leaving the audience with little resolution or closure.
Suggestions
  • Specify the time period of the scene to provide more context for the audience.
  • Develop the emotional tone of the scene further to fully engage the audience.
  • Expand the dialogue between Benny and Eleven to reveal more about their characters and motivations.
  • Provide more context for the significance of Eleven's tattoo.
  • Use the visual elements of the scene more effectively to create a sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • Provide more resolution or closure at the end of the scene to satisfy the audience's expectations.



Scene 14 -  The Search for Will
EXT. MIRKWOOD SHORTCUT - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Hopper trudges down the road, searching for signs of Will.

Behind him, we can see Callahan and Powell. They call out:

CALLAHAN
Will Byers?! WILL BYERS?!

POWELL
WILL -- ?!

Hopper pulls a vial out of his pocket. Pops two more of those
red and blue pills. And...

He suddenly spots something. Kneels down. There are FAINT
SKID MARKS ON THE PAVEMENT. Too narrow for a car. A bike.

He calls out to Callahan and Powell.

HOPPER
Hey, I got something here...

Hopper tracks the skid marks off the road and into...

THE FOREST.

Hop makes his way down the slope. Sure enough, he finds
WILL’S BICYCLE at the bottom. He brushes leaves away,
revealing the front wheel. It is bent, spokes busted.

Callahan and Powell scramble down after him.

CALLAHAN
Shit. That his bike, Chief?

HOPPER
(nods)
Wheel’s busted. Musta crashed.

CALLAHAN
Think he got hurt in the fall?

Hopper looks back up the slope. TV
Squints
Callingin the educational
- For sun. purposes only
39.

HOPPER
Not so hurt he couldn’t make it
home. And a bike to these kids...
that’s like a Cadillac. Doesn’t
make sense he’d leave it out here.
He’d walk it home.

A beat. Then:

HOPPER (CONT’D)
He was in hurry.

EXT. MONTAUK BEACH - A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Hopper and the Deputies walk out onto the beach.

A TRAIL OF FOOTPRINTS lead up a dune toward:

The Byers House.

INT. BYERS HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Joyce paces in the kitchen. Back and forth. Back and forth.

The wall phone is pressed hard to her ear. Its cord stretches
as she walks. She drags hard on a cigarette while it rings on
the other end. And rings. And...

CLICK. The other line picks up.

JOYCE
Lonnie, Thank God. It’s Joyce --

Her face drops. A MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE is on the other end.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Who is this?
(listens in disgust)
Cynthia?
(beat)
This is Joyce -- Joyce, Lonnie’s ex-
wife. I need to speak to Lonnie --
(beat)
This is an emergency... no, not
later, now bitch --

CLICK. The phone goes dead. Joyce burns with anger.

She dials the number again, mashing each number with her long
fingernails. The phone rings. But this time no one answers.

It goes to message.

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
40.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(filtered)
Hey, you’ve reached Lonnie, I’m not
here at the moment but...

Joyce’s rage rises and rises and...

BEEP. Her turn.

JOYCE
Lonnie, it’s Joyce. Some teenage
whore sayin’ she’s your girlfriend
just hung up on me. You don’t call
me back in the next goddamn hour
I’ll report you for not paying
child support I swear to God I will
and I’ll make sure you rot in jail
where you belong you FUCKING PIECE
OF SHIT --

WHAM! Joyce slams the phone down and --

BRRRRING! The phone blares again. That was fast. She answers.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Lonnie --

But there is no response. Only static. The kitchen lights
flicker, then return to normal. Joyce stares. What the -- ?

BAM BAM BAM. THERE IS A SUDDEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR.

Joyce startles.

MOMENTS LATER.

Joyce swings open the door. Her face drops.

It is Hopper and the Deputies. Hopper has Will’s Bike.

INT. BYERS HOUSE - VARIOUS - LATER

Hopper and his Deputies search the Byers’ house.

Joyce trails. On edge.

JOYCE
I don’t understand. Why’re you
here?! You’re wasting your time --

HOPPER
He’s got a key to the house?

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
41.

JOYCE
So what? You think I haven’t
checked my own goddamn house -- !

HOPPER
Never said you didn’t.

Hopper inspects the back door. The adjacent wall is dented,
the paint chipped. He opens the door; its handle aligns with
the damaged wall. Someone threw it open. Hard.

HOPPER (CONT’D)
This always here?

JOYCE
Probably. I got two boys. Just look
at this place --

HOPPER
But you’re not sure?

Joyce hesitates. Starts to respond when:

WHIMPERING ECHOES. COMING FROM OUTSIDE.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Chief Hopper and his deputies search for signs of Will's whereabouts, finding his damaged bicycle in the forest. Meanwhile, Joyce desperately tries to reach Will's father, Lonnie, but is met with frustration. Hopper and his team arrive at the Byers' house and begin searching for clues, causing tension between Hopper and Joyce. The scene ends with mysterious whimpering sounds coming from outside.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds suspense and tension, keeping the audience engaged. The search for Will and the mystery surrounding his disappearance create a compelling premise."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more impactful and memorable. The emotional depth of the characters could have been further explored."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about Will's disappearance.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of searching for a missing child is a compelling and relatable premise that hooks the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Hopper and his team discover clues and investigate Will's disappearance, adding to the overall mystery.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of searching for a missing person is a familiar one, the specific details and actions of the characters add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and motivations drive the scene, particularly Joyce's desperation and Hopper's determination.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on the investigation and search for Will.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Will Byers and ensure his safety. This reflects Hopper's deeper need to protect and serve the community, as well as his fear of failing in his duty as a police chief.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow the trail of clues and find Will Byers. This reflects the immediate circumstances of a missing child and the challenge of locating him in a vast forest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is conflict between Hopper and Joyce, as well as the overall conflict of finding Will and the mystery surrounding his disappearance.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters face the challenge of finding a missing child in a vast forest. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters search for a missing child and face potential danger and obstacles in their investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing new clues and raising more questions about Will's disappearance.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces new clues and raises questions about the whereabouts of the missing child. The audience is unsure of what will happen next and how the characters will solve the mystery.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of concern, frustration, and determination, but it could have delved deeper into the characters' emotional states.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and building tension, but it is not particularly memorable or impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a mystery and a sense of urgency. The search for a missing child and the characters' actions and dialogue create tension and keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The concise and action-oriented writing style, as well as the progression of the characters' search, contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses with their actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and interaction. The focus is mainly on Hopper and his investigation, but it would be interesting to see how the other characters, such as Joyce and the deputies, react to the situation.
  • The dialogue could be more impactful and memorable. The lines are functional but lack depth and emotion.
  • The scene could use more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere. For example, describing the sounds of the forest or the smell of the kitchen.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. It feels rushed and could benefit from more moments of tension and suspense.
  • The scene could benefit from more conflict and obstacles for the characters to overcome. The investigation feels too straightforward and lacks surprises or twists.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be more nuanced. It is mainly tense and urgent, but could benefit from moments of sadness, fear, or hope.
  • The scene could use more visual elements to enhance the storytelling. For example, showing the characters' reactions to the evidence they find or using camera angles to create suspense.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger, which is effective, but could benefit from more foreshadowing or buildup to the whimpering heard from outside.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more character development and interaction to the scene, such as showing how Joyce and the deputies react to the situation.
  • Try to make the dialogue more impactful and memorable by adding depth and emotion.
  • Use sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere.
  • Experiment with the pacing of the scene to create more tension and suspense.
  • Add more conflict and obstacles for the characters to overcome to make the investigation more surprising and engaging.
  • Try to create a more nuanced emotional tone by adding moments of sadness, fear, or hope.
  • Use visual elements to enhance the storytelling, such as showing the characters' reactions or using camera angles to create suspense.
  • Foreshadow or build up to the whimpering heard from outside to make the ending more impactful.



Scene 15 -  The Shed
EXT. BYERS BACKYARD - DAY

Hopper and Joyce step of the screen door.

They find Chester pacing in front of the shed. Whimpering.

HOPPER
This normal?

JOYCE
Just hungry I’m sure. Come on...

Joyce leads Chester back to the house by his collar.

But Hopper doesn’t follow. Not yet.

His eyes turn to the shed.

INT. SHED - MOMENTS LATER

Hopper opens the shed doors. The wood groans.

Even though it is now day, it is still dark in here.

Hop flips a light switch. The naked light bulb hums to life.

He walks up to the rifle wall mount. The rifle is, of course,
missing. He inspects the mount. There are fingerprints in the
dust. Someone was here... recently.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
42.

BZZZZ! THE LIGHT BULB BEGINS TO FLICKER.

Hopper turns and looks up at the light. It fluctuates,
growing bright, then dim, then bright, then dim, then --

WHOOM. THE LIGHT CUTS OUT. LEAVING US IN DARKNESS.

WE HEAR A FAINT GUTTURAL SOUND. LIKE SOME KIND OF GROWL.

Hopper looks around. The hell is that coming from?

HOPPER
That you buddy? You hungry?

Hop removes a flashlight from his utility belt, clicks it on,
and slowly sweeps its beam across the darkness. He makes out
nothing. But that sound, whatever the hell it is, persists.

It grows louder. Louder. LOUDER STILL. Overtaking all sounds.

The hairs on Hop’s slowly stand up. And then --

The beam illuminates an APPROACHING FIGURE.

Hop reaches for his gun but --

Deputy Callahan steps into the light.

DEPUTY CALLAHN
You deaf? I’ve been callin’ you.

Hopper is too shaken to respond. He looks back at the light
bulb. It flickers back to life. Returning to 48 Watts.

The strange guttural sound is gone. Like it never was.

DEPUTY CALLAHN (CONT’D)
Jesus, Chief. Your ear.

HOPPER
What?

DEPUTY CALLAHN
Your ear.

Hopper touches his ear. It’s bleeding.

EXT. SHED - BYERS YARD - MORNING

Hopper upends the vial. Dumping the pills onto the ground.

DEPUTY CALLAHN
You sure you’re alright, Chief?
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
43.

HOPPER
(not fine)
I’m fine.

He shoves the empty vial back into his jacket.

He strides to the Byers house. Moving fast.

Callahan struggles to keep up.

HOPPER (CONT’D)
I want you to call Florence, have
her get a search party together, as
many volunteers as she can muster,
flashlights too --

DEPUTY CALLAHAN
Think we got a problem here?

Hopper doesn’t answer. Uncertain. He turns and looks out at
the woods. The sun is falling. The sky is a bruised purple.

He continues into the Byers house. Callahan follows.

But we don’t. Instead, we return our gaze to the shed. We can
hear that GUTTURAL SOUND again. Low, but definitely there.

We move...

INTO THE SHED.

The light bulb hums and flickers again. Growing brighter.

And that is when we see it. There is something strange on the
far wall. It looks almost like a SPOT OF BLACK MOLD. Only it
is throbbing ever so slightly, and, slowly but surely...

Spreading.



END OF ACT THREE




TV Calling - For educational purposes only
44.

BEGIN ACT FOUR

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

HISS! A sprinkler kicks on. Night in the suburbs again.

MIKE (PRELAP)
We should be out there right now.
We should be helping look for him.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In this scene, Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan investigate a shed in the Byers' backyard. They find fingerprints and evidence that someone has been there recently. As they search, the light bulb flickers and goes out, and they hear a growling sound. Hopper's ear starts bleeding, and they leave the shed. Outside, Hopper dumps pills onto the ground and insists on organizing a search party. The scene ends with the sound of the growl coming from the shed again, and a strange black mold-like substance spreading on the wall.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with the flickering light and the growling sound. The introduction of the spreading substance adds a mysterious and eerie element. The character development of Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan adds depth to the scene."
Weaknesses "The dialogue in the scene is minimal, which may limit the opportunity for character development and interaction. The scene could benefit from more exploration of the supernatural elements and their connection to the overall story."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly suspenseful and effectively builds tension. The introduction of the growling sound and the bleeding ear increase the sense of danger. The discovery of the spreading black mold-like substance adds a mysterious and eerie element. Overall, the scene is well-executed and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating the shed and finding evidence of someone's presence is intriguing and adds to the mystery surrounding Will's disappearance. The introduction of supernatural elements, such as the growling sound and the spreading substance, adds depth to the story and raises questions about what is happening.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan investigating the shed and discovering evidence. The tension and suspense build as the light flickers and goes out, and the growling sound is heard. Hopper's bleeding ear adds a personal element to the plot. The scene ends with the introduction of the spreading substance, creating further intrigue and raising the stakes.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of investigating a shed and encountering a mysterious figure is not entirely unique, the specific details and the way they are presented add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan are the main characters in this scene. Hopper is shown as shaken and uncertain, while Callahan is concerned about Hopper's well-being. Their interactions and reactions to the events add depth to their characters and create empathy for their situation.

Character Changes: 7

Chief Hopper experiences a change in this scene, as he goes from being uncertain and shaken to determined and focused on organizing a search party. His bleeding ear adds a physical change that reflects the danger he is facing.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to investigate the shed and find out who was there recently. This reflects his need for answers and his desire to protect his town from any potential threats.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to search for clues and gather information about the mysterious figure and the strange sound. This reflects the immediate challenge of a potential threat to the safety of the town.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Hopper deals with his own fear and uncertainty. The external conflict is introduced through the growling sound and the discovery of evidence, raising the stakes and adding a sense of danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist encounters a mysterious figure and experiences a strange sound. The audience is unsure of what will happen next.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Hopper and Callahan are faced with evidence of someone's presence and the growling sound. Hopper's bleeding ear adds a personal danger, and the spreading substance raises questions about the nature of the threat.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing new evidence and raising the stakes. The introduction of the spreading substance hints at a supernatural presence or threat, adding a new layer of mystery and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious figure and a strange sound, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and unease, with the flickering light, the growling sound, and Hopper's bleeding ear. The audience is invested in Hopper's well-being and the mystery surrounding Will's disappearance, creating an emotional connection.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in this scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and the urgency of the situation. Hopper's lack of response and Callahan's concern are communicated through their brief exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and builds suspense through the use of descriptive language and the revelation of new information.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The gradual reveal of information and the use of short, impactful sentences contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an exterior location, transitions to an interior location, and ends with a cliffhanger leading into the next act.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more clarity on the time period and setting. It's unclear how this scene fits into the larger story and what the significance of the shed and the strange spot on the wall are.
  • The dialogue between Hopper and Callahan could be more natural and less expository. It feels like they are just relaying information to the audience rather than having a genuine conversation.
  • The guttural sound and strange spot on the wall are intriguing elements, but they need to be better integrated into the story. As it stands, they feel like random occurrences that don't have much impact on the plot.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere. For example, describing the smell of the shed or the feel of the dirt under Hopper's feet could help immerse the audience in the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. It feels like it drags on a bit too long without much happening.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is tense and mysterious, but it could be more effectively conveyed through the use of music or sound design.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with the spot on the wall spreading, but it's unclear what this means or why the audience should care. The stakes need to be raised to make the audience invested in the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to the scene to make it clearer how it fits into the larger story.
  • Try to make the dialogue between Hopper and Callahan more natural and less expository.
  • Integrate the guttural sound and strange spot on the wall more effectively into the plot.
  • Add more sensory details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere.
  • Consider tightening up the pacing of the scene.
  • Use music or sound design to enhance the emotional tone of the scene.
  • Raise the stakes to make the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.



Scene 16 -  Family Tensions
INT. WHEELER HOUSE - NIGHT

The Wheeler family is seated at the dining table.

A hot home cooked meal is before them. But Mike isn’t eating.

KAREN
We’ve been over this. The Chief
said --

MIKE
I don’t care what the Chief said.

KAREN
Michael --

MIKE
He’s not even real police, Mom. We
have to do something -- Will could
be in danger!

KAREN
More reason to stay put.

MIKE
Mom --

KAREN
End of discussion.

Mike looks away, upset. The family resumes eating in silence.
Or, rather, some of them do. Nancy just moves her food around
with a fork. Then, in as casual a tone as she can summon:

NANCY
So... me and Barb... we’re gonna
study for the chemistry test at her
house tonight. That’s cool, right?

Karen looks up from her meal.

KAREN
No. Not cool.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
45.

NANCY
What?! Why not?

KAREN
Why do you think? Am I speaking
Chinese in this house? Until we
know Will’s okay, no one leaves.

NANCY
So we’re under house arrest?

KAREN
Don’t be dramatic, Nancy.

NANCY
This is such bullshit!

TED
Language!

NANCY
Barb lives two minutes away, just
because Mike’s stupid friend got
lost on his way home --

MIKE
This is Will’s fault -- ?!

KAREN
Nancy, take that back --

NANCY
No!

MIKE
You’re just pissed because you
wanna hang out with Steve --

TED
Steve?

KAREN
Who is Steve?

MIKE
Her new boyfriend --

NANCY
FUCK YOU MIKE --

TED
LANGUAGE!!!

Nancy shoves out of her chair. Storms off.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
46.

KAREN
Nancy! Come back! NANCY!

But Nancy is already bounding up the stairs to her bedroom.

Karen wants the follow her but can’t; the argument has caused
Holly to cry. Karen picks her up and rocks her in her arms.

KAREN (CONT’D)
There, there, shhhh...

TED
See, Michael. This is what happens.

MIKE
What happens when what? I’m the
only one acting normal here -- I’m
the only who cares about Will!

Ted takes a bite out of a chicken drum. Chews.

TED
That’s not fair, Michael. We care.

Mike stares at his dad. He can’t take his apathy, not
tonight. He stands up from the table and hurries off.

Holly cries louder. Ted continues to chew.

Karen shoots daggers at him.

KAREN
I hope you’re enjoying your
chicken, Ted.

She carries Holly out of the room. Ted is now alone.

TED
Hey? What’d I do? Karen? Karen?!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The Wheeler family argues about whether or not they should leave the house while Will is missing. Nancy wants to go to her friend's house to study, but her mother insists that no one leaves until they know Will is safe. The argument escalates, with Nancy storming off and Mike expressing his frustration. The scene ends with tension between Karen and Ted.
Strengths "Strong performances, intense emotions, realistic family dynamics"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue could be more nuanced"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the tension and conflict within the family, with strong performances and emotional moments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and the impact of a missing child is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the family argues and tensions rise, leading to Nancy storming off and Mike leaving the table.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a family dinner argument is familiar, the specific dynamics and conflicts between the characters feel authentic and fresh. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and conflicts are well-developed and portrayed convincingly.

Character Changes: 7

Nancy and Mike both experience changes in their emotions and relationships with their family members.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince his mother to take action to find his missing friend and potentially save him from danger. This reflects his deeper need for safety and his fear of losing someone close to him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his mother to let him leave the house to search for his missing friend. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his friend being in danger and the challenge of convincing his mother to allow him to take action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the family members is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance from his mother and experiences conflict with his sister. The audience is unsure of how the argument will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the family grapples with the uncertainty and fear surrounding Will's safety.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the family's tensions and the impact of Will's disappearance.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected conflicts and reveals new information about the characters' relationships and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief that action needs to be taken to find his friend and his mother's belief that staying put is the best course of action. This challenges the protagonist's values of taking initiative and his worldview that he needs to protect his friend.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the arguments and the strained relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, escalating the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the characters that creates tension and raises questions about the outcome. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and resolves it with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or purpose. It seems to be a filler scene that doesn't advance the plot or character development.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the argument between Nancy and Karen.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is one-note and doesn't have any variation or nuance.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to break up the monotony of the dialogue.
  • The conflict between Nancy and Karen is not resolved and is left hanging, which feels unsatisfying.
  • The scene doesn't add anything new to the story or characters and could be cut without affecting the overall plot.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting this scene or combining it with another scene to make it more purposeful.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less forced.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to break up the dialogue and add interest to the scene.
  • Resolve the conflict between Nancy and Karen or remove it entirely to avoid leaving it hanging.
  • Consider adding more character development or plot advancement to make the scene more meaningful.



Scene 17 -  Search and Rescue
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

A constellation of flashlights glimmer in the night.

Over two dozen SEARCH AND RESCUE VOLUNTEERS are scouring the
forest for Will. They wear orange vests, grave expressions.

We find Hopper. Mr. Clarke walks at his side.

MR. CLARKE
He’s a good student.

Hopper turns. Surprised this man is speaking to him.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
47.

HOPPER
What’s that?

MR. CLARKE
Will. He’s a good student. A great
one, actually. I can’t fathom him
getting into any kind of trouble.

Hopper nods. Looks away.

Mr. Clarke offers his hand.

MR. CLARKE (CONT’D)
I don’t think we’ve met. Scott
Clarke. I teach at Montauk middle.
Earth and Biology --

Hopper shakes his hand. Then averts his gaze.

HOPPER
Always had a distaste for science.

MR. CLARKE
Maybe you had a bad teacher.

HOPPER
Ms. Ratliff was a nasty piece of
work.

MR. CLAKRE
Ratliff? You bet. She’s still
kicking around, believe it or not --

HOPPER
Oh I believe it. Mummies don’t die,
or say they tell me.

Mr. Clarke smiles softly.

MR. CLARKE
So you’re local?

HOPPER
Class of fifty eight.

MR. CLARKE
Sixty two. Just missed each other.

They walk for another beat. Hopper seems lost in thought.

HOPPER
Sara, my daughter. Galaxies, the
universe, whatnot, she always
understood that stuff.TVMaybe she
Calling - For educational purposes only
got it from her mother, I dunno.
(MORE)
48.
HOPPER (CONT'D)
There’s enough shit down here, I
don’t need to go lookin’ elsewhere.

MR. CLARKE
Your daughter. What grade is she?
Maybe I’ll get her in my class.

HOPPER
She lives in the city. With her
mother.

MR. CLARKE
Oh.

Hopper slaps Mr. Clarke on the back.

HOPPER
Thanks for coming out, teach.
Appreciate it.

Hopper picks up his pace, leaving Mr. Clarke behind.

A nearby VOLUNTEER whispers to Mr. Clarke:

VOLUNTEER #1
She passed a few years back.

MR. CLARKE
Sorry?

VOLUNTEER #1
His kid.

Mr. Clarke darkens. He looks back at Hopper.

He is a distant silhouette now.

INT. MIKE’S ROOM - WHEELER HOUSE - NIGHT

The Demogorgen gazes at us. Four angry eyes.

Mike is lying down by the Dungeons and Dragons map. He looks
worried and restless. He examines the field of miniatures.
The Troglodytes... the knight.. the dwarf... and the wizard.

He picks up the wizard. Studies it. Considering.

MIKE (V.O.)
Lucas? It’s Mike. You copy? Lucas?

MOMENTS LATER.

Mike is now at his desk. Calling into a WALKIE-TALKIE.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Lucas finally answers. His voice crackles.
49.

LUCAS (O.S.)
Hey, it’s Lucas.

MIKE
I know it’s you. And say “over”
when you’re done talking or I don’t
know you’re done. Over.

LUCAS (O.S.)
I’m done. Over.

MIKE
I’m worried about Will. Over.

LUCAS (O.S.)
No shit. This is crazy. Over.

MIKE
I was thinking... Will could’ve
cast Protection last night. But he
didn’t. He cast Fireball. Over.

LUCAS (O.S.)
What’s your point? Over.

MIKE
My point is... he could’ve played
it safe. But he didn’t. He put
himself in danger to help the
party. Over.

A very long beat. Then:

LUCAS (O.S.)
Meet me in ten. Over and out.

MOMENTS LATER.

Mike jams a few flashlights into his backpack.

INT. WHEELERS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Mike sneaks downstairs. The stairs moan.

He peers into the living room. His dad is once again
fidgeting with the television. The picture fluctuates
with static. He pounds the side of the box in anger.

Mike hurries past. Unnoticed.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan join the search party for Will in the woods. Hopper meets Mr. Clarke, a teacher who knew Will and offers his condolences for Hopper's daughter's passing. Meanwhile, Mike contacts Lucas and expresses his worry about Will's safety. They make plans to meet up and search for him together.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and advances the plot. The emotional depth of the characters adds depth to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more engaging and the conflict between Hopper and Mr. Clarke could be further developed."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and advances the plot, while also providing emotional depth to the characters. The introduction of Mr. Clarke adds an intriguing element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a search party and the characters' determination to find Will is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Hopper and Callahan search for clues and Mike takes matters into his own hands by contacting Lucas. The scene sets up the next sequence of events.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a search and rescue mission is familiar, the dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and fresh. The actions and dialogue of the characters reflect their personalities and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and motivations are well portrayed, especially Hopper's grief and Mike's determination to find his friend.

Character Changes: 6

There is not much character change in this scene, but it deepens the audience's understanding of Hopper's past and Mike's determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to cope with his personal feelings of guilt and responsibility for the missing person. It reflects his deeper need for redemption and his fear of failing to protect others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find the missing person and bring him back safely. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is some conflict between Hopper and Mr. Clarke due to their different perspectives on science, but it is not the main focus of the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not very strong. The protagonist faces internal obstacles and guilt, but there are no external obstacles or conflicts that create a sense of uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters search for Will and face the unknown dangers in the woods.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and setting up the next sequence of events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected information about the protagonist's past and his relationship with his daughter. It adds depth to the character and raises questions about his motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of sadness and concern through Hopper's conversation about his daughter and Mike's worry for Will.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is mostly functional, providing necessary information and establishing character relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and raises questions about the missing person. The dialogue between the characters is interesting and reveals their personalities.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and keep the scene moving.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and their goals in a clear and concise manner.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, making it feel like filler material between more important scenes.
  • The dialogue between Hopper and Mr. Clarke feels forced and unnatural, with their conversation about science and Hopper's daughter feeling out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to make it more engaging and interesting to watch.
  • The transition between the search party in the woods and Mike in his room feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The scene does not add much to the overall plot or character development, making it feel unnecessary.
  • The dialogue between Mike and Lucas feels stilted and lacks the natural flow of a conversation.
  • The scene ends on a weak note with Mike simply sneaking past his dad, rather than a more impactful or memorable moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall story.
  • Re-write the dialogue between Hopper and Mr. Clarke to make it feel more natural and relevant to the scene.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to the scene to make it more interesting to watch.
  • Find a smoother transition between the search party in the woods and Mike in his room.
  • Consider cutting or re-writing the scene to make it more relevant to the overall plot or character development.
  • Re-write the dialogue between Mike and Lucas to make it feel more natural and flow better.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more impactful or memorable moment to leave a stronger impression on the audience.



Scene 18 -  Nancy and Mike's Secret Meeting
EXT. BYERS HOUSE - NIGHT

Mike wheels his bike out of the garage.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
WHAM! A SHADOWED FIGURE suddenly drops down behind him.
50.

He startles, but it’s only Nancy. She climbed down a drain
pipe.

MIKE
Jesus!

NANCY
How’d you get out here, freak?!

MIKE
The back door.

Nancy looks back at the drain pipe.

NANCY
Shit.
(back to Mike)
You’re not looking for Will are
you?

MIKE
You’re not seeing Steve are you?

A beat.

NANCY
Don’t tell mom.

MIKE
You don’t tell mom.

Mike spits in his hand. Holds it out.

NANCY
That’s disgusting.

A STATION WAGON flashes its lights up ahead. A signal.

NANCY (CONT’D)
Barb’s here. I gotta go. Don’t do
anything stupid.

MIKE
You have to shake on it or it
doesn’t count! Nancy!

But Nancy is already gone. She climbs into Barbara’s car.

Mike wipes the saliva off in his jeans, climbs on his bike,
and pedals off into the night.

Above him, a street lamp flickers.

TV Calling - For educational purposes only
51.

EXT. BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY - NIGHT

A light flickers inside the FISH N FRY.

INT. BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Benny glances at the light. Then returns to cleaning dishes.

Eleven sits cross-legged on the floor. She is feeding his
rottweiler strips of raw fish. They’re best friends now.

BENNY
Make sure he doesn’t get any bones
now. Don’t want him to choke.

Eleven feeds the dog one last strip of meat. The dog gobbles
it up, then licks her on the lips. She recoils, then smiles.
For the first time this day, she seems like an actual kid.

Benny notices. Knocks off the faucet.

BENNY (CONT’D)
A smile looks good on ya.

Eleven stares at him. Confused.

BENNY (CONT’D)
A smile.

Benny gives a big smile. Eleven smiles back.

ELEVEN
Good.

BENNY
Yeah, it is good.

She shakes her head. “No.” Then she points at him.

ELEVEN
Good.

BENNY
Me?

Benny can’t help but chuckle.

BENNY (CONT’D)
A know a few ladies who’d beg to
differ.

Benny rolls up his sleeve. There are names tattooed on his
arm. SHARON, BETTY, CAROL ANN. His exes. Mostly.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Eleven points at a male name: “TOMMY.”
52.

ELEVEN
...Brother.

Benny stares. His heart skips a beat. His voice catches.

BENNY
...What’d you say?

ELEVEN
Little brother.

Eleven smiles again. But Benny does not. He is flustered
and confused. He finally starts to speak when he hears...

THE SOUND OF TIRES ON GRAVEL. Headlights sweep past the
window.

Eleven tenses. Nervous.

BENNY
Just... stay put. Whoever it is,
I’ll turn ‘em away, a’ight?
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Mike and Nancy meet secretly outside their house. They discuss their respective secrets and make a pact. Nancy leaves to meet her friend, while Mike continues his search for Will.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, reveals new information about Eleven's past, and explores the bond between Mike and Nancy."
Weaknesses "Minimal character change and limited dialogue."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery with the shed investigation and the strange occurrences. The secret meeting adds emotional depth and conflict. The revelation about Eleven's past adds intrigue and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of searching for a missing child and the secrets surrounding the characters are engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the shed investigation and the secret meeting between Mike and Nancy. The mysterious elements add intrigue and raise questions.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of teenagers sneaking out and meeting up secretly is a familiar one, the specific interactions and dialogue between the characters feel authentic and fresh. The characters' actions and dialogue contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene. Mike and Nancy's secret meeting shows their bond as siblings.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, but Eleven's revelation about Benny being her little brother adds depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain secrecy and not get caught by their parents. This reflects their deeper need for independence and freedom.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet up with their friend Barb and continue their secret activities. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their teenage rebellion and desire for adventure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between Mike and Nancy regarding their respective secrets. The mysterious occurrences in the shed and Eleven's revelation also add tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no significant obstacle or conflict, the tension between Mike and Nancy and their need to keep their activities a secret creates a sense of opposition.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the mysterious occurrences in the shed and Eleven's revelation about Benny being her little brother.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about Eleven's past and advancing the search for Will.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know who the shadowed figure is and what their intentions are. The sudden appearance of Nancy climbing down the drain pipe also adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has emotional impact through the bond between Mike and Nancy and Eleven's revelation about Benny being her little brother.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The conversation between Mike and Nancy reveals their secrets and establishes their relationship.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and suspense with the shadowed figure dropping down behind Mike. The dialogue between Mike and Nancy also creates intrigue and curiosity about their secret activities.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and anticipation. The quick back-and-forth dialogue between Mike and Nancy keeps the scene moving at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and ends with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the story and doesn't add much to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between Mike and Nancy feels forced and doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict, which makes it feel unnecessary.
  • The introduction of Eleven and Benny feels abrupt and out of place.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with the sound of tires on gravel, but it's unclear what this means or how it relates to the rest of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting this scene or finding a way to integrate it more seamlessly into the rest of the story.
  • If you decide to keep this scene, try to make the dialogue between Mike and Nancy more revealing and natural.
  • Add more tension and conflict to the scene to make it feel more necessary.
  • Introduce Eleven and Benny in a more organic way that feels connected to the rest of the story.
  • Clarify the significance of the sound of tires on gravel and how it relates to the rest of the story.



Scene 19 -  The Shed
INT. BENNY’S FISH ‘N FRY - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Benny lumbers into the dining room. He opens the front door.

A RED-HAIRED WOMAN, 40, approaches. She smiles warmly.

RED-HAIRED WOMAN
You must be Benny. Benny Henderson?

BENNY
‘fraid so. Also ‘fraid we closed
shop early tonight. Why don’t you
try back tomorrow --

Benny starts to shut the door, but the woman extends a hand.

RED-HAIRED WOMAN
Connie Frazier. Social services.

Benny stops. Opens the door back up. Embarrassed.

BENNY
Social services. Shit. Apologies.

He takes her hand. His grip is firm.

BENNY (CONT’D)
Didn’t think you were gonna make it
here so quick. That’s a heckuva
drive.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
53.

CONNIE
Not too bad this time of night.

Benny nods. Lowers his voice.

BENNY
Listen. I still haven’t told her
about you. I didn’t want her
runnin’ off again. She’s a tad...
skittish.

CONNIE
Children I work with usually are.
(smiles)
Where is she now?

BENNY
In the back. I’ll introduce ya.

Benny turns and lumbers toward the kitchen.

BENNY (CONT’D)
Apologies again for trying to turn
you away. It’s funny, your voice,
it sounded different on the --

A HOLE SUDDENLY ERUPTS IN BENNY’S FOREHEAD. BLOOD SPRAYS.

HIS BODY GOES LIMP AND HE CRASHES TO THE GROUND WITH A HEAVY
THUD. A POOL OF BLOOD SPREADS FROM THE WOUND ON HIS HEAD.

HIS BODY TWITCHES. THEN STILLS.

HE IS DEAD.

Behind him: “Connie” holds a silencer pistol.

A GROUP OF ARMED MEN sweep into the door behind her.

These aren’t social workers.

These are Agents.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Three Armed Agents sweep into the kitchen.

Two more enter from the back door.

WOOF! The rottweiler suddenly explodes out of shadows and
lunges at them with an angry roar. Agent One fires and --

POP! Drills the dog’s head. It skids to the floor. Dead.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Agent One quietly surveys the kitchen. Looking for Eleven.
54.

His eyes lock onto the STORAGE CLOSET. A dim shadow moves
beneath the door. He makes a hand signal, alerting the
others. Guns raise. All this caution for one little girl?

They take one step toward the closet. Two steps. Three. Four.

Agent One holds up his hand. The others stop.

His eyes fix on the hinges of the door. Impossibly, the metal
is pushing outward. Bending. As if the door is under immense
pressure.

AGENT TWO
Eleven --

WHOOM! THE DOOR EXPLODES -- BLOWING RIGHT OFF ITS HINGES --
THE DOOR SLAMS INTO THE AGENTS -- KNOCKING THEM DOWN LIKE
BOWLING PINS -- THEIR GUNS SCATTER ACROSS THE FLOOR -- WOOD
SHRAPNEL HITS AGENT ONE IN THE FACE -- TEARING HIS LEFT CHEEK
OPEN -- HE FALLS TO THE GROUND WITH A PAINED SCREAM -- AND --

Eleven bursts out of the closet. Her eyes dart.

She spots the dead dog.

Then Benny.

Tears spills down her cheeks. Mixing with the blood.

She looks back at the agents. Rolling on the floor in pain.

ELEVEN
Bad.

And then she turns.

And runs.

END ACT FOUR




TV Calling - For educational purposes only
55.

BEGIN ACT FIVE

EXT. MONTAUK BEACH - TURTLE COVE - NIGHT

A BONFIRE RAGES ON THE BEACH. FLAMES LICK THE SKY.

A GROUP OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS are silhouetted against the
fire, drinking, smoking various substances, screwing around.
“Call Me” by Blondie blasts from an idling pick-up truck.

We find Nancy and Barbara in the crowd.

They look out of their element, bobbing awkwardly to the
tune. Nancy takes a sip of her beer. Grimaces. Not a drinker.

She holds the beer out for Barb. Barb waves it off.

BARBARA
I don’t see him -- we should go.

NANCY
We just got here, relax.

Nancy motions to TOMMY H, 16, heavyset, scraggly half-beard.

NANCY (CONT’D)
What about Tommy H?

BARBARA
Ew.

NANCY
Oh come on -- he’s cute. And I
heard he broke it off with Carol --

Nancy shrieks as a PAIR OF HANDS snatch her from behind.

It’s Steve. Of course it’s Steve. His eyes are bloodshot and
flagging. He’s drunk or stoned or both. Probably both.

STEVE
Where’s Mrs. Kreitzberg?!

NANCY
Shut up!

Steve grabs her hand and pulls her away.

NANCY (CONT’D)
Where are we going?! You just got
here! Steve! STEVE!

But Steve doesn’t stop. He breaks into a sprint, dragging
Nancy with him. She laughs giddily, her hair
TV Calling - Forblowing in the
educational purposes only
wind. She glances back at Barb with a wide-eyed smile. Sorry!
56.

Barbara sighs. All alone now.

She looks down at her watch. And waits.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Chief Hopper and Deputy Callahan investigate a shed in the Byers' backyard and find evidence of recent activity. They are interrupted by a growling sound and Hopper's ear starts bleeding. They leave the shed and Hopper dumps pills onto the ground, insisting on organizing a search party. The scene ends with the sound of the growl coming from the shed again and a strange black mold-like substance spreading on the wall. Meanwhile, the Wheeler family argues about leaving the house while Will is missing. Nancy wants to go to her friend's house, but her mother insists on staying until they know Will is safe. The argument escalates, with tension between Karen and Ted. Hopper and Callahan join the search party for Will in the woods, while Mike contacts Lucas to express his worry and make plans to search for Will together. Mike and Nancy meet secretly outside their house, discuss their secrets, and make a pact. Nancy leaves to meet her friend, while Mike continues his search for Will.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introduces supernatural elements, and explores the emotional conflict within the Wheeler family. The introduction of the black mold-like substance and the growling sound adds intrigue and danger. The scene also sets up future plot developments and showcases the determination of the characters to find Will."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact of the scene. Some of the character motivations and actions could be more clearly established."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the investigation of the shed and the mysterious occurrences. The emotional conflict within the Wheeler family adds depth to the scene. The introduction of the black mold-like substance and the growling sound increase the sense of danger and intrigue. The scene also sets up future plot developments with Hopper organizing a search party and Mike and Nancy making a pact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating the shed and finding evidence of recent activity is intriguing and sets up further mysteries. The introduction of the black mold-like substance and the growling sound adds a supernatural element to the story. The emotional conflict within the Wheeler family adds depth to the scene and explores the impact of Will's disappearance on the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the investigation of the shed and the discovery of evidence of recent activity. The tension and suspense build as the characters encounter strange occurrences and Hopper's ear starts bleeding. The scene also advances the plot by showing the emotional conflict within the Wheeler family and setting up future plot developments with Hopper organizing a search party and Mike and Nancy making a pact.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of armed agents confronting the protagonist is not entirely unique, the presence of Eleven and the unexpected twist of her using her powers adds a fresh approach to the familiar scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Chief Hopper, Deputy Callahan, and the Wheeler family, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Hopper's determination to find Will and his emotional turmoil after his daughter's passing add depth to his character. The conflict between Nancy and her mother, as well as Mike's worry for Will's safety, add emotional stakes to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Chief Hopper and Nancy, experience changes in their emotions and motivations. Hopper's determination to find Will and his emotional turmoil after his daughter's passing drive his actions in the scene. Nancy's frustration with her mother and her decision to make a pact with Mike showcase her growth and determination to find Will.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect the girl, Eleven, from the armed agents. This reflects his desire to keep her safe and prevent her from being captured or harmed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to introduce the Red-Haired Woman, Connie, to Eleven. This reflects the immediate challenge of establishing trust and communication between the characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, both in terms of the investigation of the shed and the emotional conflict within the Wheeler family. The characters face physical danger in the shed with the strange occurrences and Hopper's ear bleeding. The argument between Nancy and her mother showcases the emotional conflict within the family. The conflict between Mike and Lucas and their determination to find Will adds to the overall tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the armed agents pose a significant threat to the protagonist and Eleven. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, both in terms of the physical danger faced by the characters in the shed and the emotional stakes within the Wheeler family. The characters are determined to find Will and their actions have consequences for their own safety and well-being. The introduction of supernatural elements adds to the overall sense of danger and mystery.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by advancing the investigation of Will's disappearance and setting up future plot developments. Hopper's decision to organize a search party and Mike and Nancy's pact foreshadow future events. The introduction of the black mold-like substance and the growling sound add new mysteries and increase the sense of danger.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and the twist of Eleven using her powers to escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly with the emotional conflict within the Wheeler family and Hopper's determination to find Will. The scene also elicits fear and anxiety with the supernatural elements and the strange occurrences in the shed. The emotional impact is heightened by the sound of the growl coming from the shed and the introduction of the black mold-like substance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. The conversation between Hopper and Callahan during the investigation of the shed and the argument between Nancy and her mother showcase the conflicts and tensions within the scene. The dialogue between Mike and Lucas also highlights their worry for Will's safety and their determination to find him.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of danger and suspense through the unexpected violence and the protagonist's efforts to protect Eleven.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the quick and impactful action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong introduction of the Red-Haired Woman and Benny, but their interaction is cut short by Benny's sudden death. It would be beneficial to have a longer conversation between them to establish their relationship and build tension.
  • The transition from Benny's death to the introduction of the armed men feels abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of shock or confusion from Connie before the armed men enter.
  • The death of the dog feels unnecessary and overly violent. It may be more effective to find another way to show the danger and threat posed by the armed men.
  • The scene with Eleven in the storage closet is intense and exciting, but the description of the door exploding could be more impactful. Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the visual and auditory experience.
  • The emotional impact of Eleven's escape could be heightened by adding a moment of hesitation or fear before she runs away. This would further emphasize the danger she is facing and the urgency of her situation.
Suggestions
  • Expand the conversation between the Red-Haired Woman and Benny to establish their relationship and build tension.
  • Smoothly transition from Benny's death to the introduction of the armed men by adding a moment of shock or confusion from Connie.
  • Find another way to show the danger and threat posed by the armed men without the need for the violent death of the dog.
  • Enhance the description of the door exploding by adding more sensory details to create a more impactful visual and auditory experience.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or fear for Eleven before she runs away to heighten the emotional impact of her escape.



Scene 20 -  Search and Secrets
EXT. FOREST ROAD - END OF NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Mike looks at his watch. Waiting.

He hears VOICES. He looks up to find Lucas and Dustin biking
his way. They pull up next to him.

MIKE
What happened to ten minutes?

LUCAS
Parents were watching M*A*S*H. No
way past.

DUSTIN
Same.

Mike passes Dustin a WALKIE TALKIE.

MIKE
Stay on channel six, just in case,
but no splitting up or anything
stupid like that, okay?

Dustin nods. “Okay.” Mike climbs onto his bike.

LUCAS
Where are we going?

MIKE
Mirkwood.

And with that, Mike pedals out of the neighborhood.

Lucas and Dustin share worried looks.

And then race after him.

EXT. MONTAUK BEACH - TURTLE COVE - NIGHT

Steve and Nancy race across the moonlit beach.

The bonfire burns dimly behind them. Far away now.

Nancy is out-of-breath.

NANCY
Steve! Can you just tell me where
we’re going?! Steve -- ?!
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
57.

STEVE
Right... here!

Steve shoves Nancy onto a sand dune. She shrieks, laughs.

Steve drops on top of her. Begins kiss her all over.

Nancy is overwhelmed. Her laughter fades.

NANCY
Steve, hey, can we just... talk for
a -- a second...

Steve starts to pull her sweater off. She tries to stop him,
but it’s too late. He tosses the sweater off into the sand.

Nancy covers her bra with her arms. Shy -- and cold.

NANCY (CONT’D)
It, it’s freezing...

Steve isn’t listening. He unbuttons her jeans and yanks them
down below her waist. Nancy’s breathing quickens. Her heart
pounds.

Steve removes a condom from his pocket.

NANCY (CONT’D)
Steve... I, I’ve never...

Steve still isn’t listening. Or doesn’t care.

He tears open the condom wrapper.

EXT. MONTAUK BEACH - WIDE SHOT

Their silhouetted bodies writhe in the moonlight.

Waves CRASH the shore.

EXT. BEACH - TURTLE COVE - NIGHT

An EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER.

A very drunk Tommy H. is urinating into the raging bonfire.
Smoke coughs, coals sizzle, everyone think this is hilarious.

Everyone but Barbara. She stares in disgust.

MOMENTS LATER.

Barbara charges down the beach. Call out into the darkness.

BARBARA TV Calling - For educational purposes only
NANCE?! I’M LEAVING! NANCE?!
58.

No answer. Fuck it.

EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - NIGHT

Barbara storms back to her car. It’s parked on an empty road.

INT. STATION WAGON - MOMENTS LATER

Barbara leaps in. Turns the keys.

The engine revs, coughs.

BARBARA
Come one, come on...

Barbara turns the keys again. Again. And --

THE RADIO BLASTS TO LIFE. BARB NEARLY JUMPS OUT OF HER SEAT.

The radio begins to cycle rapidly through the stations. The
songs are warped, garbled, static-y. The speedometer rises
and falls, the blinkers flash, the dashboard light stutters.

Barbara looks down. Her arm hairs are standing straight up.

She quickly shuts off the engine and --

Everything stops. Returning to normal.

Barbara stares in confusion. Breathing hard. And...

SMASH! THE WINDOW BEHIND HER SHATTERS.

She screams and --

EXT. VOLKSWAGEN - NIGHT

The VW headlights grow brighter and brighter, so bright they
blind our vision. We hear a SHRIEKING SOUND, pitched so high
it’s almost painful. Just when we think we can’t take it
anymore, the sound fades.

The headlights flicker and dim.

The station wagon is empty.

Barbara has vanished.

EXT. FOREST ROAD - NIGHT

VROOM! Jonathan rides the moped up to his house.

He dismounts and bounds up the porch. As he does, we turn our
gaze to the shed. Chester is once
TV again
Callingpacing by the door.
- For educational purposes only
59.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and --
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In this scene, Mike, Lucas, and Dustin meet up to search for Will together. They discuss their plans and decide to head to Mirkwood. Meanwhile, Steve and Nancy go to a secluded beach where Steve pressures Nancy into having sex. Barbara, feeling left out, leaves the bonfire and heads back to her car. Strange things start happening with the car, and Barbara is eventually taken by an unknown force. Jonathan arrives home on his moped and notices Chester pacing by the shed.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged. The introduction of supernatural elements adds intrigue to the story. The character dynamics and conflicts are well-developed."
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the scene's depiction of Steve pressuring Nancy into sex uncomfortable or problematic. The dialogue could be further improved to enhance character development and emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly suspenseful and keeps the audience engaged with its multiple storylines and mysterious events. The tension between characters and the unknown force that takes Barbara create a sense of urgency and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of searching for a missing person and the secrets and conflicts within the characters' relationships are well-executed in this scene. The mysterious elements and the introduction of supernatural occurrences add depth to the overall concept.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the search for Will and the various subplots involving the characters. The tension between Steve and Nancy, the disappearance of Barbara, and the strange events with Barbara's car all contribute to the overall plot development.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of searching for a missing friend and investigating strange occurrences is familiar, the characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and conflict. Steve's pressure on Nancy, Barbara's frustration and eventual disappearance, and Jonathan's concern for his missing brother all showcase the complexity of the characters.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the events and conflicts contribute to the development and growth of the characters. Nancy's experience with Steve and Barbara's disappearance may lead to future changes in their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find their missing friend and uncover the truth about the strange occurrences happening in their town. This reflects their deeper need for connection, loyalty, and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to search for their missing friend and investigate the strange happenings in the town. It reflects the immediate challenge of solving the mystery and protecting their loved ones.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, both in terms of internal conflicts within the characters and external conflicts with the unknown force that takes Barbara. The tension between characters and the urgency to find Will create a sense of conflict throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges such as the disappearance of their friend and the strange occurrences. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters search for a missing person and face unknown dangers. The potential consequences of their actions and the urgency to find Will create a sense of high stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries and conflicts. The search for Will intensifies, and the disappearance of Barbara adds another layer of intrigue to the plot. The scene sets up future events and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the disappearance of Barbara and the strange occurrences with the radio and headlights.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, worry, and conflict. The audience is invested in the characters' search for Will and the mysterious events that unfold. The tension and suspense create an emotional impact on the viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in this scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The conversation between Mike, Lucas, and Dustin showcases their determination to find Will, while the dialogue between Steve and Nancy highlights the tension and power dynamics in their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the missing friend and the strange occurrences. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and anticipation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue and the quick progression of events maintain the momentum of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, their goals, and sets up the conflict and mystery.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict. While there are several events happening simultaneously, none of them seem to be driving the plot forward or building tension.
  • The dialogue is sparse and lacks depth. The characters do not reveal much about themselves or their motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and mood.
  • The transitions between the different events happening in the scene are abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the action.
  • The disappearance of Barbara feels forced and contrived, lacking a clear explanation or motivation.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and exploration of the relationships between the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, making it difficult to maintain the audience's interest.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to help the audience understand what is happening and where the characters are in relation to each other.
Suggestions
  • Consider consolidating the different events happening in the scene to create a clearer focus and central conflict.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters and their motivations.
  • Add more sensory details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and mood.
  • Use smoother transitions between the different events happening in the scene to help the audience follow the action.
  • Provide a clearer explanation or motivation for Barbara's disappearance.
  • Explore the relationships between the characters to create more depth and complexity.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene to maintain the audience's interest.
  • Use more visual cues to help the audience understand what is happening and where the characters are in relation to each other.



Scene 21 -  Desperate Search
INT. BYERS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jonathan swings open the front door.

He finds his mom sitting cross-legged on the floor. She is
working on a MISSING PERSONS POSTER for Will. Bold red
letters read: “HAVE YOU SEEN ME?”

PHOTOGRAPHS OF WILL are strewn across the floor.

Joyce looks up at Jonathan. Bleary eyed.

JOYCE
Anything?

Jonathan shakes his head. “No.”

JONATHAN
You?

JOYCE
Hopper’s out looking, a bunch of
people are, but...

Joyce fights back tears. Returns to the photographs.

Jonathan sits down beside her and looks over the photographs.
They have been artfully taken by him over the years. There is
a photo of Will building a sand castle... riding a raft...
eating a hotdog at Coney Island... visiting the city...

Jonathan fights back tears. His voice emerges low, choked.

JONATHAN
...I’m sorry.

JOYCE
Sorry? What’re you sorry for?

Jonathan says nothing. Doesn’t feel he needs to.

Joyce takes his hand. Squeezes it.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Hey. This wasn’t your fault, baby,
you hear me? You hear me?

Jonathan averts his gaze.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
He’s gonna come home soon. I know
it. I know it... because I feel- For educational purposes only
TV Calling
him. I feel him in my heart.
(MORE)
60.
JOYCE (CONT’D)
He’s close. He’s close. You believe
me, Jonathan, right?

Jonathan finally looks at his mom. And nods.

Joyce smiles faintly. She holds up a pair of photographs, one
in each hand. Will on the raft. Will at Coney Island.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
What do you think?

Jonathan considers. Chooses Coney island.

JONATHAN
I... I always liked this one.

Joyce smiles softly.

JOYCE
...Me too.

An emotional beat. Then:

The kitchen phone BLARES TO LIFE.

Joyce and Jonathan look up sharply. News.

MOMENTS LATER - KITCHEN

Joyce grabs up the phone. Her voice tense, strained.

JOYCE
Yes -- hel--hello?

There is no answer. But she can hear the sound of LOW
BREATHING on the other end.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Lonnie...? Hopper...?

Still no answer.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Who is this?

Jonathan stands up. Getting worried now.

The SOUND OF BREATHING grows louder.

JOYCE CONT’D)
Who is this?! Answer me!

At last we hear a voice. It sounds very far away.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
It is the voice of a boy.
61.

DISTANT VOICE
...Mom...

Joyce pales. Tears rush to her eyes.

JOYCE
Will?!! Will?!!

Jonathan races over to his mom.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
Where are you, baby?! Talk to me!
WILL?! WILL?!

But Will’s voice is now gone. In its place...

Another voice. GUTTURAL. INHUMAN. Shifting in pitch.

JOYCE (CONT’D)
WHO IS THIS? WHAT HAVE DONE WITH MY
BABY?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!

Silence. Then --

A HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK ERUPTS FROM THE RECEIVER.

Joyce gasps in pain and drops the phone. She looks at her
hand. Her palm is seared and her arm hair is standing
straight up.

She backs away from the phone. Her eyes wide with dread.

Jonathan grabs up phone. His voice shakes.

JONATHAN
Who is this?! WHO IS THIS?!

But the phone line is now dead.

Joyce slumps down to the floor.

She begins to sob.

VOICE (PRE-LAP)
HEELLLLP!

EXT. UNKNOWN - NIGHT

Barbara stumbles out onto the beach.

Her face is pale and blood pours from her nose and ears.

She crashes to a halt. Looks around for help. Desperate.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
62.

But there is no bonfire. No kids. No party. Yet somehow,
impossibly, she can hear the sound of music, of kids talking,
laughing. Only it all sounds far away. Like a distant memory.

A dense fog has drifted in from the Atlantic and the waves
roll in slowly, much slower than normal, as if the world now
moves at quarter speed. The wet sand is covered in more of
those strange, throbbing growths, and the sky is shrouded in
dark clouds. Electric blue lighting flashes, streaking the
sky, and --

Barbara hears something. Something wet. Guttural.

She turns. And pales. Obscured beneath the fog:

A HORDE OF SHADOWED FIGURES. TALL. DISFIGURED.

One of them walks on all fours.

They are coming this way.

Coming for her.

She screams.

And...
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Jonathan and Joyce search for Will together and find comfort in each other. Meanwhile, Barbara finds herself in a terrifying situation on the beach.
Strengths "Strong emotional connection between characters, building tension and suspense"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be more memorable"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, and introduces a new element of horror with Barbara's encounter


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of searching for a missing person and the presence of a supernatural force adds intrigue and suspense

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Jonathan and Joyce receive a mysterious phone call and Barbara encounters a terrifying presence

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a missing person and the emotional conversations between characters are familiar, the specific details and the use of supernatural elements add a fresh approach.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jonathan and Joyce are well-developed and their emotional connection is portrayed effectively

Character Changes: 8

Jonathan shows growth and support for his mother, while Joyce experiences a mix of hope and despair

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find comfort and reassurance from his mother. This reflects his deeper need for emotional support and his fear of losing his brother.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find any information about the missing person, Will. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in trying to locate him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Jonathan and Joyce search for Will and Barbara faces a terrifying threat

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters are faced with the unknown voice on the phone and the threat of the shadowed figures. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as the characters search for a missing child and face a terrifying threat

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information and escalating the tension

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden phone call and the introduction of supernatural elements. The audience does not know what will happen next or who is on the other end of the line.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' grief and fear

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is emotional and impactful, but could be more memorable

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and emotional investment in the characters' search for the missing person. The dialogue and actions keep the audience interested and wanting to know more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the use of descriptive language create a sense of anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the location, introduces the characters, and progresses through their dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more description of the setting to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • The dialogue between Joyce and Jonathan could be more natural and less expository.
  • The phone call scene could be more suspenseful and terrifying with better pacing and sound design.
  • The introduction of shadowed figures on the beach feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The emotional beats of the scene could be more nuanced and varied to create a more engaging experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the setting to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Joyce and Jonathan to feel more natural and less expository.
  • Experiment with different pacing and sound design techniques to make the phone call scene more suspenseful and terrifying.
  • Integrate the introduction of shadowed figures on the beach more seamlessly into the scene to create a stronger sense of continuity.
  • Explore different emotional beats and character motivations to create a more engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 22 -  The Storm Arrives
EXT. MIRKWOOD - LATER

WHOOSH! Our boys bike onto “Mirkwood.”

They scan the trees. Calling out:

MIKE
Will?! WILL?!

LUCAS
WILL?!

DUSTIN
I’ve got your Uncanny! 269!

There is no response but the chirp of cicadas.

They bike on in silence for a little while.

Lucas grows impatient.

LUCAS
Why are we even here? My mom says
there’s a whole search party --

MIKE
But they don’t know Will, and he
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
doesn’t know them. He knows us.
63.

LUCAS
So?

MIKE
So what if he’s scared and --

A SHADOWED FIGURE SUDDENLY APPEARS IN THE MIDDLE OF ROAD --
RACING ACROSS THE PAVEMENT -- RACING RIGHT FOR OUR BOYS --

Mike’s eyes shoot wide -- he spins the wheel to the left --

Too fast -- he loses control -- skids --

Dustin and Lucas crash into him --

They all tumble -- and --

WHOOM! SLAM INTO PAVEMENT.

They roll to stop. Dirt coughs.

LUCAS
...What... what was that? Mike?

Mike doesn’t respond. Instead, he climbs to his feet, turns
around, and looks back at the darkened road behind them.

The SHADOWED FIGURE is standing there. Staring right at him.

Mike is wide-eyed. Scared. Slowly, very slowly, he raises his
flashlight and aims it at the figure. The beam illuminates:

A young girl. Bald head. Wild eyes. Fish ‘N Fry T-shirt.

ELEVEN.

She looks at Mike. He looks at her.

Their gaze holds a beat. And then...

A LOW GROWL RUMBLES. Mike hears it.

He looks up at the night sky.

INT. BYERS HOUSE - NIGHT

Joyce and Jonathan hear it too.

They look out the window with tear stained eyes.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Hopper’s radio crackles to life.
TV Calling - For educational purposes only
64.

CALLAHAN (O.S.)
(filtered )
You hear that Chief?

Hopper doesn’t respond. His eyes fixed on the sky.

We follow his gaze.

RISING UP...

Over his head...

AND UP...

Over Camp Hero base...

AND UP...

Over the shadowed trees...

AND UP...

To the dark silhouetted clouds in the sky above.

A LOW GROWL RUMBLES, just like in the opening scene. But this
time, it grows louder, and louder, shaking our eardrums.

An ELECTRIC BLUE light flashes behind the clouds.

The storm is no longer coming.

It’s here.

END EPISODE




TV Calling - For educational purposes only
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Mike, Lucas, and Dustin search for Will in Mirkwood and encounter a shadowed figure. Meanwhile, Joyce and Jonathan hear a low growl and witness an electric blue light in the sky. The storm has arrived.
Strengths "Building suspense, introducing new elements, foreshadowing the storm"
Weaknesses "Lack of memorable dialogue"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces new elements to the story, leaving the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing boy, supernatural forces, and a looming storm is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as the characters search for Will and encounter a mysterious figure, foreshadowing the impending danger.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of characters searching for a missing friend is not entirely unique, the introduction of Eleven and the mysterious shadowed figure adds a fresh and intriguing element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the events and their determination to find Will add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the events contribute to the characters' development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find their missing friend, Will. This reflects their deeper need for connection and loyalty to their friend, as well as their fear of losing him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid the shadowed figure racing towards them and to protect themselves from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict arises from the encounter with the shadowed figure and the impending danger of the storm.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces a sudden and unexpected threat in the form of the shadowed figure. The audience is unsure of the outcome and feels the tension and danger.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as the characters search for a missing boy and face supernatural threats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and escalating the danger.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new character and a mysterious shadowed figure, creating uncertainty and suspense. The unexpected crash and the appearance of Eleven add a surprising twist to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the power of their friendship and their fear of the unknown. The appearance of Eleven challenges their worldview and forces them to confront their fears.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and anticipation in the audience as the characters face unknown threats.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, but there are no particularly memorable lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, Eleven, and raises the stakes for the protagonist by placing them in immediate danger. The suspenseful and action-packed sequence keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The quick and impactful action sequences are balanced with moments of silence and anticipation, creating a rhythmic flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a cliffhanger that leads into the next episode.


Critique
  • The scene could benefit from more description of the setting and the characters' actions. For example, what do the trees in Mirkwood look like? How do the boys react to seeing Eleven? Adding more sensory details can help immerse the reader in the scene.
  • The dialogue could be more natural and less expository. For example, when Lucas asks why they're even there, Mike's response feels forced and unnatural. Consider how real people would speak in this situation and try to make the dialogue more authentic.
  • The conflict in the scene is not fully resolved. The boys crash their bikes and see Eleven, but it's unclear what happens next. Do they talk to her? Do they continue searching for Will? Adding more clarity to the resolution of the conflict can help make the scene more satisfying.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be more consistent. The tension and mystery are well-established, but the scene ends with the arrival of the storm, which feels like a tonal shift. Consider how to maintain the emotional tone throughout the scene and avoid jarring shifts.
  • The scene could benefit from more action and movement. The boys bike onto Mirkwood and crash, but there is not much else happening. Adding more action and movement can help keep the scene engaging and interesting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the setting and characters' actions to immerse the reader in the scene.
  • Try to make the dialogue more natural and less expository.
  • Add more clarity to the resolution of the conflict.
  • Maintain a consistent emotional tone throughout the scene.
  • Add more action and movement to keep the scene engaging.