Read heathers with its analysis


See Full Analysis here

Scene 1 -  The Croquet Game
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
HEATHERS

by

Daniel Waters
FADE IN:

1 EXT. SAWYER'S BACKYARD -- DAWN 1

Elegiac music murmurs as three female and barefoot PAIRS OF
LEGS in skirts break from tableau to gently engage in Croquet.
A blue mallet hits a blue ball through a wicket, a green
mallet knocks a green ball, and a yellow mallet pushes forward
a yellow ball, all in enticing syncopation.

Suddenly a red ball rockets through the dew covered grass and
hits the green ball. The LEGS all stop moving as a FOURTH PAIR
OF LEGS, this one in stylish shoes and stockings, marches to
the red ball and steps on it. A red mallet is brought down
hard on the red ball causing the adjacent green ball to
thunder out of view. The Pair of Legs manuevering the green
ball departs. This process of elimination is grimly
repeated with the yellow ball and yet again with the blue
ball.

However, when the BLUE MALLETED PLAYER makes her sad exit,
the viewer's viewpoint glides along with this particular Pair
of Legs. A red ball whizzes by. The Legs stop. Another red
ball malevolently sails past the Legs. Then yet another red
ball. A fourth red ball makes brutal contact with the Legs
causing the Player to fall to her knees and into the frame. The
Player is VERONICA SAWYER.

2 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 2

VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty, lies atop
her bed dressed in a chic but understated ensemble, her eyes
glazed open in a morning reverie. She blows up at her bangs
then slides off her bed, launching into voice-over narration
over the empty bed.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told me she teaches people
Real Life.

3 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY -- DAY 3

Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling
high school hallway with a frozen smile.

VERONICA (V.O.)
She said Real Life sucks Losers dry.
If you want to fuck with the eagles,
you have to learn to fly.

4 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAFETERIA -- DAY 4

With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the
outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint
approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that
she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I said so you teach people how to
spread their wings and fly. She
said Yes.

THE DIARY PAGE

VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words
echoed by her voice-over.

VERONICA (V.O.)
I said You're Beautiful.

A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen
to recklessly rocket across the written words.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
God, come ON Veronica!

VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily
addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful,
trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA.

VERONICA
What's your damage, Heather? You
ruined my...

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me,
blame Heather. She told me to haul
your ass into the caf pronto. Back
me up, Heather.

From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily
accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE.
She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.

VERONICA
Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica Sawyer plays croquet with three Heathers, but it turns violent when they bully her. Veronica spends the day at school avoiding them until they force her to meet with Heather Chandler.
Strengths "Introduces the main character and the antagonists clearly and effectively. Sets up the tension and conflict between the characters."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be overly dramatic and cheesy at times."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with strong descriptive language and clear visuals. The use of voice-over narration helps to establish the character's thoughts and feelings, and the introduction of the croquet game adds a touch of symbolism to the scene. However, some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly when Heather McNamara and Heather Duke appear. Their dialogue lacks authenticity and feels like it was written to sound cool rather than like something real teenagers would say. Additionally, the abrupt shift from the croquet game to Veronica's bedroom is somewhat jarring and could benefit from a smoother transition or more context.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more sensory details to create a more immersive experience. For example, instead of just mentioning elegiac music murmuring, describe the melody and how it makes the viewer feel. Additionally, adding more dialogue between the characters could help develop their personalities and relationships with each other. It may also be helpful to establish the setting more clearly, such as describing the school or the town in more detail.



Scene 2 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
5 INT. INSIDE THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 5
A5 A5
VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE,
strides into the lunchroom pandemonium.

The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her
toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and
expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied
back.

VERONICA
(submissively)
Hello, Heather.

Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER
CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is
consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks
is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic bitch.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of
Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge
a hot and horny but realistically
low-key note in Kurt's handwriting
and we'll slip it into Martha
Dumptruck's lunch tray.

VERONICA
Shit, Heather. I don't have anything
against Martha Dunnstock.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You don't have anything FOR her
either. Come on, it'll be Very. The
note'll give her shower nozzle
masturbation material for weeks.

VERONICA
I'll think about it.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(looking off)
Don't think.

B5 POV ON CAFETERIA LINE B5

Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in
line.

C5 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE C5

VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the
outstretched pen.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica
needs something to write on.
Heather, bend over.

Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER
CHANDLER violently laughs.

HEATHER CHANDLER
How nice. Two assholes: no waiting.

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Heather Duke, back down.

VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Dear Martha, you're so sweet..
D5 THE JOCKS' TABLE D5

The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY and the massive RAM sit
with other typical Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS.

KURT
It'd be so righteous to be in a
Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler
sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.

KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists
together.

RAM
Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on
my Johnson and just start spinning
her like a fucking pinwheel.

RAM makes a frantic spinning motion.

E5 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE E5

In slow motion, VERONICA finishes the note and rises up along
with her makeshift desk, HEATHER DUKE.

HEATHER MCNAMARA hawkishly gazes toward the cafeteria line.

VERONICA hands the note to an impressed HEATHER CHANDLER.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK pays the CASHIER and then, grasping
her lunch tray with both hands, moves toward VERONICA and the
HEATHERS.

HEATHER MCNAMARA excitedly tugs on HEATHER CHANDLER'S arm as
MARTHA approaches. With a tranquil smile, HEATHER CHANDLER
passes the note to her frantic disciple.

In a self-consciously clandestine manner, HEATHER MCNAMARA
saunters past MARTHA then wields around to sneakily tuck the
note onto MARTHA's tray.

The slow motion concludes as their plump victim shuffles
past a magnetic preppie PETER DAWSON and a thin, black,
bespectacled DENNIS. The guys are working a large stand which
has a cashbox reading THE FOODLESS FUND and a banner reading
WESTERBURG FEEDS THE WORLD.

PETER
Come on people, let's give that
leftover lunch money to people
without lunches! Those tater tots
you threw away today are a delicacy
in Africa! They're Thanksgiving dinner!

F5 HEATHERS' TABLE F5

The Girls reach their table with HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER
DUKE sitting themselves down first.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
(looking to the stand)
God, aren't they fed yet? Do they
even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

VERONICA
(low key sarcasm)
Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater
tots; it's a real party continent.

HEATHER CHANDLER draws up a clipboard.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Sawyer. Guess what today is?

VERONICA
Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So
what's the question?

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, so what's the question?

HEATHER CHANDLER
God-damn Heather, you were with me
in Study Hall when I thought of it.
Such a pillowcase.

HEATHER DUKE
(hurt)
I forgot.

G5 ANOTHER ANGLE G5

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER briskly bop away from the table
as a wounded HEATHER DUKE retreats to The Catcher in the Rye.

VERONICA
Hey, this question wouldn't be that
bizarro thing you were babbling
about over the phone last......

HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he
gave me another topic that was
political, I'd spew burrito chunks.

VERONICA shakes her head and looks off. She's suddenly
captured by the sight of a JAMES DEANESQUE GUY sitting stark
in a long, tan gunslinger coat, behind a Rebel Without a Cause
lunchbox. They make eye contact.

Transfixed, VERONICA crashes into seated BETTY FINN, a
slightly overweight, unstylishly dressed sweetie surrounded by
clones.

BETTY
Sorry Veronica.
VERONICA
Betty Finn. Gosh.....

VERONICA crouches down, embarrassed and rueful.

VERONICA
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it
to your birthday party last month.

BETTY
That's okay. Your Mom said you had
a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip
my own birthday party for a date.

VERONICA gently laughs at BETTY's innocent awe.

VERONICA
Don't say that.

BETTY
Oh Ronnie, you have to look at
what I dug up the other day.

BETTY pulls from her purse a picture showing a YOUNG BETTY
FINN AND VERONICA SAWYER, arm-in-arm, dressed in Halloween
costumes: BETTY is an angel, VERONICA is a witch.

VERONICA glows at the photo until HEATHER CHANDLER tows
VERONICA away causing the picture to fall face up on the
floor.

H5 ANOTHER ANGLE H5

VERONICA
I was talking with someone!

HEATHER CHANDLER
Color me impressed. I thought you
grew out of Betty FInn.

THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE

A coolly coed cabal of Country Club Kids icily eye the
approaching VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER. Country Club
kid COUTRNEY sourly speaks out.

COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.

KEITH
Shit.

I5 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE I5

Alone at a table in the Siberia of the cafeteria, MARTHA
finishes a forkful of chicken. She spears her plate again and
brings the fork up. The note is wedged inside it.
J5 THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE J5

HEATHER CHANDLER, Veronica in tow, hits the Country Club Kids
with a salvo of false pleasantness, capped by a scowling
smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Hi Courtney. Love your blouse. Ooh,
let me snare a tater.

COURTNEY expresses elation in spite of herself as HEATHER
CHANDLER delicately takes a tot and turns around to face
VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER inserts her finger in her mouth
doing the "induce-vomiting" signal before devouring the tot
and turning back around.

COURTNEY
Thanks. I just got it last night at
the Limited. Totally blew my allowance.

HEATHER CHANDLER raises her clipboard. VERONICA closes her
eyes and shakes her head with a half-smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
That's pretty very. Now check this out. You
win five million dollars from Publishers
Sweepstakes, but on the same day what's-
his-face gives you the check, aliens
land on earth and say they're going
to blow up the world in two days.
What would you do?

A stunned tableau; until Country Club Kid KEITH speaks.

KEITH
That's easy. I'd just slide that wad
over to my father. He's like one of
the top brokers in the state.

VERONICA
Wake up. In two days, Earth's going
up like a Roman Candle. Crab Nebula City.

KEITH
Man, in two days, my dad could
double my money. Triple it.

COURTNEY
If I got that money, I'd give it
all to the Homeless. Every cent.

VERONICA
You're beautiful.

K5 THE FOODLESS FUND STAND K5

PETER reaches into the Foodless Fund Box and takes some bills.
PETER
Dennis, my man, run over to Mickey
D.'s and get me a Big Mac and some fries.

DENNIS
But that's the Foodless Fund money.

PETER
Hey, even Bob Geldof's got to eat.
If it makes you feel better, bag the
fries, and nab yourself an Apple Pie.

L5 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE L5

HEATHER CHANDLER drags VERONICA down a cafeteria lane.

HEATHER CHANDLER
If you're going to openly be a bitch....

VERONICA
(submissive)
I'm sorry, it's just why can't we
talk to different kinds of people?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I
look like Mother Theresa? If I did,
I probably wouldn't mind talking to
the Geek Squad.

She points to a table of unfashionably dressed and coiffed
students. Some wear glasses, some wear braces, some wear
both.

M5 THE GEEKS' TABLE M5

The GEEKS react to being pointed at. Their boney leader RODNEY
splatters milk over himself.

RODNEY
Did you see that? Heather Number
One looked right at us.

BIG CYNIC
It must be love.

N5 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE N5

VERONICA confronts HEATHER CHANDLER.

VERONICA
Doesn't it bother you that everyone in
the school thinks you're a piranha?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Like I give a shit. They all want me,
as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped
at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior.
VERONICA
Pretend you're a missionary saving
a colony of cootie victims.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(giving in)
Whatever. I don't believe this. We're
going to a party at Remington University
tonight and we're brushing up our
conversation skills with the
scum of the school.

P5 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE P5

Her sweaty lips moving rapidly, MARTHA anxiously reads the
note.

Q5 THE GEEKS' TABLE Q5

The nervous GEEKS fidget and roughhouse each other in an
involuntarily immature reaction to their beautiful
interviewers.

GEEK WITH BRACES
No seriously, I'd probably go to
Egypt. With a girl.

BIG CYNIC
Taking a hooker to the Pyramids on
the last day of Mankind. You
sentimental old fart.

BRACES
Geez, forget it.

VERONICA
What about you Rodney?

RODNEY
(quietly to the others)
I told you she knew my name.
(beat of contemplation)
I'd change my life. New clothes.
New haircut. New house. New home.

HEATHER CHANDLER
How sad! Blowing all your cash on
two days of trying to be hip.

R5 ANOTHER ANGLE R5

VERONICA tugs HEATHER CHANDLER away from the table.

VERONICA
If you're going to openly be a bitch....
As HEATHER CHANDLER continues to guffaw, VERONICA again
catches sight of the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. He wraps his fingers
around an egg and unfolds them back. The egg is gone. He
smiles. VERONICA smiles back.

Her trance is broken by a boisterous HEATHER MCNAMARA and
HEATHER DUKE who careen into the two pollsters.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, scan on Martha Dumptruck.

S5 POV ON MARTHA S5

MARTHA looks up from the note to the JOCKS' table and KURT
KELLY, then flustered, back down at the note.

HEATHER CHANDLER
This is the part I hate. The waiting.
I'd say we're like twenty minutes from
major humiliation. Come on, Veronica.

HEATHER CHANDLER floats off. A disturbed VERONICA takes a
moment to react.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica?

VERONICA follows the leader. She calls out.

VERONICA
Damn..
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique
Suggestions



Scene 3 -  Cafeteria Conversations
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 8
6 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAY 6

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER march into the school parking
lot toward four HEAVY METALERS (one female) hanging out on a
car hood. The girls' conversation is heard in voice-over.

VERONICA (V.O.)
..you Heather. Deep down all teenagers
are the same. Didn't you see The
Breakfast club?

7 INT. CAFETERIA -- BETTY FINN'S TABLE -- DAY 7
A7 A7
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER set themselves down with BETTY
FINN and her LOOK-ALIKE FRIENDS.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
Look at me. I look great. I'm the girl
in the commercials and the videos.

B7 JOCKS' TABLE B7

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER warily stand at the outskirts of
the JOCKS' bastion of vulgarity.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the blonde in the bikini on the
horse holding a Pepsi can.

8 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 8

In a dark, smoky hallway, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER cough
toward a batch of STONERS in tattered forms of dress.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the princess being spanked on the
throne by Billy Idol's guitarist's guitar.

9 INT. THE FOODLESS FUND STAND -- DAY 9

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER accost PETER DAWSON at the
Foodless Fund stand.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
What do I get out of being friends
with losers. I give them a piece of
a winner and they stain me with loserness.

10 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 10

Heavy Metaler MATT grins.

MATT
You get five million dollars but
some Martians are going to zap you
in two days. You hear that, Clyde?
That's got to be the most spooky-ass
question I've ever heard.

11 INT. CAFETERIA -- BETTY FINN'S TABLE -- DAY 11
A11 A11
BETTY FINN daintily peeps up.

BETTY FINN
I think we should use the money
for an End-of-the-world get-together.
We could invite GUYS.

B11 JOCKS' TABLE B11

RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow.

RAM
I'd pay Madonna one million dollars
to ride my face like the Kentucky
Derby. She should be paying me, though.

12 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 12

A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops...

FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
What?
13 INT. CAFETERIA -- THE FOODLESS FUND STAND -- DAY 13

PETER DAWSON lashes out.

PETER DAWSON
This is important. With taxes, I'd
be only getting 3.5 million and....

14 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 14

Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT.

CLYDE
If you want a good way to go out
before the aliens land, get a lion
from the zoo. Put a remote control
bomb up its butt. When the lion starts
tearing you up, press the bomb button.
You and the lion die like as one.

Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against
the windshield blankly respond.

JACKIE AND STEVE
Cool.

15 INT. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE -- DAY 15
A15 A15
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation
chugging through another busy cafeteria lane.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Just imagine somebody like your
quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty
Finn doing a Crest commercial. No
one would buy Crest.

VERONICA
Don't tell me. Crest would be
stained with loserness.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, here we go...

B15 POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK B15

MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and
the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing.

MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls
stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA
flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her
mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the
similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.
VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund
stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away.

PETER
A dime increases the time! A buck
brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A
five keeps the neighborhood alive!
A ten and you die without sen!

HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(to Veronica)
You wanted to become a member of
the most powerful clique in the
school. If I wasn't already the
head of it, I'd want the same thing.

VERONICA
I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?

HEATHER CHANDLER
That episode with the note back there
was for all of us to enjoy, but you
seem determined to ruin my day.

VERONICA
(slapping her knee)
We made a girl want to consider
suicide. What a scream. What a jest.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on you jerk. You know you used
to have a sense of humor.
Genres: ["Teen","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and Heather Chandler go around school, making snide comments and remarks to various cliques and groups of people.
Strengths "The snappy dialogue and clever one-liners make this scene entertaining and keep the audience engaged."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear plot or direction. The characters seem to be wandering aimlessly."
Critique Overall, this scene has some strong elements, but it also has a few flaws.

One of the strengths is the use of voice-over to give insight into the main characters' thoughts and personalities. This is especially effective in the first part of the scene when Veronica and Heather Chandler approach different groups of students. The voice-over allows us to understand their attitudes towards these groups and highlights the divide between the cliques at the school.

However, the scene also has some weaknesses. There is a lack of clear action or conflict, which makes the scene feel somewhat aimless. The conversation between the characters seems to meander without a clear direction or purpose. The dialogue is also somewhat unrealistic at times, with characters making bizarre and outlandish comments that don't feel grounded in reality.

Another issue is the lack of character development. While we get some insight into Veronica and Heather Chandler's personalities, many of the other characters in the scene feel like caricatures without much depth or nuance. This makes it harder for the audience to care about what happens to them or become invested in the story.

Overall, this scene is a mixed bag. It has some strong elements but also has some weaknesses that could be improved upon. To make it more effective, it could benefit from clearer conflict and character development, as well as more grounded and realistic dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels disjointed and lacking in clear direction or purpose. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the objective of the scene. What are Veronica and Heather Chandler trying to accomplish by going to all these different tables and talking to different groups of people? Is there a specific goal they are trying to achieve, or are they just trying to establish their dominance over the school?

2. Develop the characters more fully. We don't really know much about Veronica or Heather Chandler at this point, and they both just come across as mean and petty. Give them more depth and motivation so the audience can understand why they are behaving this way.

3. Make the scene more visually interesting. Right now it's just a series of dialogue exchanges with no real action or movement. Add in some physicality or interesting camera angles to give it more visual interest.

4. Consider cutting some of the dialogue. A lot of the lines feel forced and unfunny, and the scene goes on for too long. Streamline the conversation so it's more focused and impactful.



Scene 4 -  Bathroom Confessional and Introduction of J.D.
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
16 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 16

Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS speak
in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha
Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.

HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in.

HEATHER DUKE (O.S.)
Veronica, could you come back here?

HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA
Gross!

VERONICA
A true friend's work is never done.
VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably
short, then walks over to the stalls.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Color me nauseous.

THE STALL

VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE.

VERONICA
Maybe you should see a doctor.

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, maybe.

HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.)
Come on Heather. We want another
look at today's lunch.

VERONICA
Geez, don't listen to them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
Did she have the pie or the ice
cream for dessert?
(like a game show host)
And the answer IS.

HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and
makes a bizarrely defiant smile.

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in
the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put
up with their bogus nonsense.

VERONICA
Well, you better move Holden out
of the way or he's going to get spewed.

HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth. VERONICA
sticks her finger in.

17 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE 17
A17 A17
A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a
plate into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS
stroll by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES
DEANESQUE GUY.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God Veronica, drool much? His name's
Jason Dean. He's in my American History.
VERONICA
Give me the clipboard.

As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing
sexual noises.

B17 CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE B17

VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN.

VERONICA
Hello Jason Dean.

JASON
Greetings and salutations. Call me
J.D. Are you a Heather?

VERONICA
No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may
seem like a stupid question....

J.D.
There are no stupid questions.

VERONICA
If you inherit five million dollars
the same day aliens tell the earth
they're blowing us up in two days,
what would you do?

J.D.
(suavely)
That's the stupidest question I've
ever heard.

C17 JOCKS' TABLE C17

The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D.

RAM
Who does that new kid think he is
with that coat? Bo Diddley?

KURT
Veronica is into his act. No doubt.

RAM
Let's kick his ass.

KURT
Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old
for that crap. Let's give him a
scare though.

D17 J.D.'S TABLE D17

An intrigued J.D. laconically answers THE question.
J.D.
Probably just row on out to the
middle of a lake. Bring along my
sax, some tequila, and some Bach.

VERONICA
How very.

HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on.

VERONICA (to J.D.)
Later.

J.D.
Definitely.

KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place.
RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate.

RAM
You going to eat this?

KURT
What did your BOYFRIEND say when
you told him you were moving to
Sherwood, Ohio?

RAM
Answer him dick!

KURT
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria
have a No Fags Allowed Rule?

J.D.
It seems to have an open door policy
for assholes though, doesn't it?

KURT
What did you say dickweed?

J.D.
I'll repeat myself.

J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a
.357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Satire"]

Summary Veronica comforts Heather Duke in the bathroom while the other Heathers make fun of her before she reveals her copy of The Catcher in the Rye. Veronica then meets J.D., a new student with whom she has an intriguing conversation about what to do if aliens were going to destroy the world, all while the jocks harass them. J.D. responds to the jocks' homophobic comments by pulling out a gun and firing at the viewer.
Strengths "The witty and satirical dialogue between Veronica and J.D. is engaging and entertaining. The scene also uses humor to highlight the nastiness of the Heathers and the jocks."
Weaknesses "The gun violence can be jarring. The scene also doesn't do much to advance the overall plot."
Critique Overall, this scene has a strong and distinct tone, but it could benefit from some adjustments to make it more effective. The comedic banter between the Heathers is entertaining, but some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural. The scene also takes a sharp turn with the introduction of J.D. and his gun, which feels jarring and out of place.

One issue is the inconsistency in the characters' speech patterns. Some of the lines, such as Heather Chandler's "Bulimia's so '86" feel like outdated cliches rather than genuine dialogue. The Heathers' Valley Girl accents are also a bit overdone and become grating after a while. The introduction of J.D. and his more sophisticated vocabulary and demeanor feels like a welcome change, but it's also a bit contrived.

The biggest problem with the scene, however, is the sudden and extreme violence at the end. This feels like a completely different tone than the rest of the scene and comes out of nowhere. It's also concerning that the only character to pull out a gun is the one male character in the scene. This reinforces damaging stereotypes around masculinity and violence.

Overall, to improve this scene, the writer could focus on making the dialogue more natural and consistent across the characters. They could also explore more subtle ways to introduce J.D. and build up the tension between him and the other characters. Finally, it's important to consider the implications of any drastic actions in a scene, especially when it comes to issues as serious as gun violence.
Suggestions First, it is important to note that this scene is from the movie Heathers, which is a dark comedy with satirical elements. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions:

1. Tone down the bullying language. While it may be in line with the characters and the movie's themes, it can be uncomfortable for some viewers. Consider reducing the frequency of offensive language or changing the way the characters speak to each other.

2. Make the dialogue more concise. While there is some witty banter in this scene, some of the lines feel like they are dragging on. Consider tightening the dialogue to make it punchier and more engaging.

3. Add more physical action. The scene primarily takes place in one location, which can make it feel stagnant. Consider adding more physical action, movement, or even a change of location to make the scene more dynamic.

4. Show, don't tell. While some of the dialogue is clever, some of it is exposition-heavy. For example, when Veronica asks J.D. the "five million dollars" question. Instead of having a lengthy back-and-forth, consider showing J.D.'s answer or his reaction to the question.

5. Add more character development. While the scene establishes the main character, Veronica, and the antagonist, J.D., it would benefit from more character development for the Heathers and the jocks. Consider adding small moments that reveal more about these characters, making them more well-rounded and dynamic.



Scene 5 -  Croquet and Conversation
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
18 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD -- DAY 18

Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA
and the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard
holding different colored mallets next to matching balls.
HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, they won't expell him. They'll
just suspend him for a week or something.

HEATHER CHANDLER
He used a real gun. They should
throw his ass in jail.

VERONICA
No way. He used blanks. All J.D.
really did was ruin two pairs of
pants...Maybe not even that...
(giggling)
Can you bleach out urine stains?

HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S green
one.

HEATHER CHANDLER
J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought
you were giving up on high school guys.

VERONICA
Never say never.

HEATHER DUKE
What are you going to do, Heather?
Take the two shots or send me out?

The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous
faces.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you have a brain tumor for
breakfast? First you ask if you can
be red, knowing that I'm ALWAYS red...

HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings
her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent
green one rocketing into a flower bed.

HEATHER DUKE
Shit.

HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(to HEATHER DUKE)
Damn. It's your turn Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
No, it's Heather's turn.

HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Anyway, I can say never to high
school. I've got David.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
King David.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Maybe when you hit maturity you'll
understand the diff between a Remington
University man like David and a
Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam-
thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up.

HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
No way, no day!

VERONICA
Give it up girl!

As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the
flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes
through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight.

VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA
Holy SHIT! God, that was unbelievable!

HEATHER CHANDLER
What. A. Shot.

HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket.
VERONICA begins setting up her shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
So tonight's the night. Are you
two excited?

HEATHER CHANDLER
I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her
first Remington Party. Blow it tonight
girl and it's keggers with kids all
next year.

VERONICA
(missing her shot)
Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've
been set up with? Witty and urbane
pre-lawyer or albino accountant?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Don't worry. David says he's very
so he's very.

HEATHER CHANDLER again hits her ball into HEATHER DUKE'S.
HEATHER DUKE
Why?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Why not?

HEATHER CHANDLER slams HEATHER DUKE's ball back into the
flower bed. VERONICA'S MOM calls out the back screen door.

MOM
Heather, your Mother's here.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Come on whoever wants a ride.

As the HEATHERS head into the house, VERONICA picks up HEATHER
DUKE'S ball and exuberantly throws it back toward the wickets.

Veronica's MOM, carrying a tray of pate, and DAD, carrying a
Robert Ludlum book, place themselves around a patio table.

DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.

VERONICA
All right.

VERONICA sinks into the empty middle deck chair.

DAD
So what was the first week of
Spring Vacation withdrawl like?

VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

MOM
Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

VERONICA
I guess.

MOM
Any contestants worth mentioning?

VERONICA
MayBE. There's kind of a dark
horse now in the running.

DAD
(looking up)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I read this spy crap.

VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.
DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.

DAD immediately returns to reading with a wide grin.

MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....

VERONICA
Great pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the party tonight.

19 EXT. OUTSIDE 7-11 -- NIGHT 19

A Volkswagen Cabriolet pulls up in front of a 7-11 with
HEATHER CHANDLER at the wheel. VERONICA pops out of the
car, into the store. HEATHER CHANDLER clamors to her.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!
Genres: ["Comedy","Teen"]

Summary The Heathers play croquet while discussing J.D.'s recent actions in regards to a gun, prom, and college parties. Veronica's parents join them briefly before she goes to a party with the Heathers.
Strengths "The witty banter between the Heathers is entertaining. The scene provides insight into the characters' personalities and their priorities. The pacing is appropriate for the tone of the scene."
Weaknesses "There isn't much conflict or emotion in the scene, which could make it feel stagnant to some viewers. The mention of J.D.'s recent actions feels underdeveloped and doesn't add much to the scene."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would first like to comment on the dialogue in this scene. The conversation seems to be disjointed and lacks cohesion. It jumps from topic to topic without a clear connection or purpose. This makes it difficult for the audience to follow and connect with the characters.

Additionally, the action seems to be unnecessary and doesn't add much to the story. The croquet game serves as a backdrop for the conversation, but it doesn't have any meaningful impact on the plot.

Finally, the scene lacks tension or conflict. It's a casual conversation between friends without any real stakes or consequences. This makes it hard for the audience to become invested in the scene and the characters.

Overall, the scene could benefit from tighter dialogue, more purposeful action, and increased conflict to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene seems to lack a clear objective. It is not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what their motivations are. To improve the scene, the writer could introduce a clear goal or objective for the characters, for example they could be playing croquet as a way to pass the time before an important event, and the conversation could be centered around their nervousness or excitement about the event.

Additionally, the dialogue could be made more concise and impactful. Cut out any unnecessary words or phrases, and focus on making each line count. The banter between the characters could be made sharper and more dynamic.

Finally, consider adding more visual elements or actions to the scene to keep it visually engaging. For example, have the characters moving around more, or add in details such as the way they hold their mallets or the expression on their faces. These details can help to bring the scene to life and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 6 -  Party and Confession
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
20 INT. 7-11 -- NIGHT 20

Stylishly dressed-to-massacre, VERONICA reaches out to a bag
of Corn Nuts as J.D.'s off-screen voice disarms her.

J.D. (O.S.)
You going to pull a Big Gulp with that?

VERONICA
No, but if you're nice I'll let
you buy me a Slurpee. You know
your 7-11speak pretty well.

J.D.
I've been moved around all my life;
Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood
Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any
town, any time, I can pop a Ham and
Cheese in the microwave and feast on
a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane.

VERONICA
Really? That thing in the caf
today was pretty severe.

J.D.
The extreme always makes an impression,
but you're right, it was severe. Did
you say a Cherry or Coke Slurpee?

VERONICA
I didn't. Cherry.

VERONICA smiles at her Coolness. J.D. returns the smile.
21 EXT. 7-11 PARKING LOT -- NIGHT 21

VERONICA and J.D. slurp by J.D.'s ferocious motorcycle.

VERONICA
Great bike.

HEATHER CHANDLER sounds her car horn with a grimace. VERONICA
glares at her then turns back to J.D.

J.D.
Just a humble perk from my Dad's
Construction company or should I
say Deconstruction company?

VERONICA
I don't know. Should you?

J.D.
My father seems to enjoy tearing
things down more than putting things up.
Seen the commerical? "Bringing every
State to a Higher State."

VERONICA
Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's
Big Bud Dean Construction. Must be
rough. Moving place to place.

J.D.
Everybody's life's got static. Is
your life perfect?

VERONICA
(gently joking)
Sure, I'm on my way to a party
at Remington University.

VERONICA grows serious as the car horn sounds again.

VERONICA
It's not perfect. I don't really
like my friends.

J.D.
I don't really like your friends either.

VERONICA
It's like they're just people I
work with and our job is being
popular and shit.

J.D.
Maybe it's time for a vacation.

The car horn blares again.
22 INT. DORMITORY ROOM -- NIGHT 22

DAVID, Heather Chandler's fine looking college beau, leads
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER into a cramped, eclectically
tacky dorm room. Music pounds the door.

The semi-handsome BRAD chats atop a desk with BRAD'S FRIEND.

DAVID
Throw your coats on the bed, girls.

BRAD
That exam was so bogus.

BRAD'S FRIEND
Oh I KNOW. Which exam?

DAVID
Veronica, this is Brad.

BRAD
Excellent. Did you girls bring
your partying slippers?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, let's party.

DAVID
She loves to party.

As they head out the door, BRAD whispers something in BRAD'S
FRIEND's ear causing the pair to snarl off a laugh.

23 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 23

The viewer is taken back and forth from a shattered post-party
VERONICA to the traumatic dormitory party itself. The sobbing
monocoled VERONICA writes at her desk.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, I want to kill and you
have to believe.....damn pen!

VERONICA frenziedly scribbles, trying to get her pen to
write. She throws the pen across the room and pulls out
another.

VERONICA (V.O.)
You have to believe it's for more
than selfish reasons. More than a
spoke in my menstrual cycle. You
have to believe me.

24 INT. DORMITORY HALLWAY -- NIGHT 24

The chaotic hallway rumbles with beer cups and loud music.
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER's stylish garb clashes with the
laid-back dress of the COLLEGE STUDENTS.
BRAD anxiously hands VERONICA a cup of beer as he watches
DAVID and HEATHER CHANDLER move through a staircase door.

BRAD
So, are you a cheerleader?

VERONICA
(dealing with a jerk)
No, not at all.
BRAD
You're pretty enough to be one.

VERONICA
Gee, thanks.

BRAD
It's so great to be able to talk
to a girl and not have to ask
"What's your major?" I hate that.

They uncomfortably sip their beers. A deadly pause ensues.

BRAD
So when you go to college, what kind
of subjects do you think you'll study?

25 INT. DAVID'S DORM ROOM 25

HEATHER CHANDLER and DAVID sit on the latter's bed, surrounded
by a PC and a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters. They kiss.
DAVID doing most of the work.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on David, let's go back to the party.

DAVID
(unzipping his pants)
Don't worry, we will. You're just so
hot tonight. I can't control myself.

DAVID pushes HEATHER CHANDLER's head down.
Genres: ["drama","teen"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. go to 7-11 for a Slurpee where they talk about their lives. Veronica confesses that she doesn't like her friends and J.D. agrees. They then go to a college party where Veronica meets Brad and has an uncomfortable conversation with him. Later, Veronica is back in her bedroom, writing in her diary while the party continues outside. Heather Chandler and David hook up in his dorm room.
Strengths "Strong dialogue between Veronica and J.D. that reveals their characters and feelings."
Weaknesses "The scene at the college party feels cliched and predictable."
Critique There are a number of issues with the scene as it stands. First and foremost, it's difficult to understand exactly what is happening and why. Some of the dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, particularly Brad's awkward attempts to talk to Veronica and David's creepy behavior toward Heather Chandler. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more clear and concise descriptions of the characters' actions and motivations, as well as a stronger sense of purpose in terms of moving the overall plot and character arcs forward. The pacing could also be improved by cutting down on some of the unnecessary dialogue and providing more visual interest in each shot. Overall, there is a lot of room for improvement here in terms of character development, storytelling, and effective screenwriting technique.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene could be:

1. Add more action and description to the setting. Is the 7-11 crowded or deserted? Is there any interesting visuals to showcase?

2. Give Veronica and J.D. more specific goals and motivations. What does Veronica want from J.D.? Is she genuinely interested in him or is she just being polite? What is J.D.'s agenda?

3. Introduce some conflict or tension in the scene. Perhaps there could be a rude or threatening customer in the 7-11 that disrupts their conversation. Or maybe Veronica and J.D. have different opinions on a topic and start debating.

4. Make the dialogue more engaging and dynamic. Some lines in the current script feel too expositional or on-the-nose. Try to find more unique and nuanced ways for the characters to express themselves.

5. Consider adding some visual or sensory details to enhance the scene. What do the Corn Nuts or Slurpee taste like? What does J.D.'s motorcycle look and sound like? Use more sensory language to paint a richer picture.



Scene 7 -  Veronica's Struggle
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
26 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 26

BRAD has given up on conversation.

BRAD
So what do you say we head up to my
room and have a real party. I've got the
best Windham Hill C.D. collection
in the dorm.

BRAD'S FRIEND approaches before VERONICA can show disgust.

BRAD'S FRIEND
Brad-ley, Hennesey's looking for
you. He says he owes you for blow
and he just got some product himself.
BRAD
You're kidding. That pecker actually
scored something on his own?

BRAD'S FRIEND
(ambling off)
He's in Sheila's room, big guy. Party up.

BRAD
Excellent. Veronica, ever do COCAINE?

VERONICA
Ever since Phil Collins did that anti-
drug thing on MTV I refuse everything.

BRAD
Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't
drinking and driving?

VERONICA
Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs?

BRAD
Right. Hey, don't run away now.

With a wink, BRAD squirms off. VERONICA dashes into the room
with the coats.

27 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 27

VERONICA rampages through her diary.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Seventeen is the last year Mom buys
the Twinkies. When you make the
jump from working weekends at Pizza
Hut to thirty years at I.B.M., you
lose something. Not innocence -- power.

J.F.K. the cat jumps onto the Diary.

VERONICA
J.F.K.!

VERONICA flings the screeching cat off and continues.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm
allowed an understanding that my
parents and these Remington University
assholes have chosen to ignore. I
understand I must stop Heather.

28 INT. DORM "COAT" ROOM -- NIGHT 28

Panting, VERONICA collapses at a desk in the "coat" room. She
draws a Vodka bottle from a stockpile of liquor and pours
some in her beer cup, slouching down in her chair.
VERONICA lights a match from a 7-11 matchbook. She eerily
brings her hand closer and closer to the fire until it
touches.

With an eek of pain, she tosses the match away into the Vodka
cup, setting it afire. VERONICA laughs to herself before
tossing the flaming cup out the window.

29 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY -- NIGHT 29

The flaming cup lands in a large rusted garbage can filled
with other cups and various refuse. The flames spread...

30 INT. DORMITORY BATHROOM -- NIGHT 30

A dejected HEATHER CHANDLER walks into a multi-mirror-and-sink
bathroom. Using a glass off one of the sinks, she gargles some
water and then spits it at her own reflection.

31 INT. THE DORM "COAT" ROOM -- NIGHT 31

VERONICA closes the window as BRAD opens the door.

BRAD
How's my little cheerleader? Now I
know everyone at your high school
isn't so uptight, come ON.

VERONICA
Hey really, I don't feel so great.

BRAD
Let's do it on the coats. It'll
be excellent.

BRAD plops down onto the bed of coats and begins bouncing.

VERONICA
I have a little prepared speech I
give when my suitor wants more
than I'd like to give him....
Gee Blank, I had a nice....

BRAD
Save the speeches for Malcom X.
I just wanna get laid.

VERONICA
You don't deserve my fucking speech!

VERONICA yanks up her coat from beneath BRAD on the bed
causing him to slide off onto the floor.

32 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 32

VERONICA storms into the hallway but slows down when she sees
she's attracting attention. She notices an incited BRAD
slither to the smiling DAVID who chats with some STUDENTS,
HEATHER CHANDLER on his arm.
BRAD causes DAVID's smile to ever-so-slightly diminish. DAVID
whispers to HEATHER CHANDLER who proceeds to set down her beer
and walk toward VERONICA.

33 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY -- NIGHT 33

The fire in the trashcan is raging.

34 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 34

A steel faced HEATHER CHANDLER comes face-to-face with
VERONICA.

HEATHER CHANDLER
What's your damage? Brad says
you're being a real cooze.

VERONICA
Heather, I feel awful, like I'm going
to throw up. Can we jam, please?

HEATHER CHANDLER
No. Hell no.

VERONICA'S eyes fall shut in a near-faint. She flings herself
down off-screen with some ugly wretching sounds.

35 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 35

VERONICA savagely scrawls in her diary, tears burning fierce.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Betty Finn was a true friend and I
sold her out for a bunch of Swatchdogs
and Diet Cokeheads. Killing Heather'd
be like offing the Wicked Witch of the
West. Or is it East? WEST! I sound
like a psycho. Tomorrow I'll be kissing
her aerobicized ass but tonight let me
dream of a world without Heather. A
world where I am free.

36 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 36

VERONICA rises into view with tinges of vomit on her mouth. A
smile breaks across HEATHER CHANDLER's granite puss. VERONICA
runs off as STUDENTS laugh in the background.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica navigates the social drama of college life, trying to balance her desire to fit in with her own moral compass. She struggles to resist peer pressure and finds solace in her diary, where she reveals her innermost thoughts and desires.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays Veronica's internal struggle and the pressures she faces from her peers. The witty dialogue and darkly comedic tone add depth to the characters and the story."
Weaknesses "Some moments feel predictable or contrived, and the scene could benefit from more nuanced character development."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene, particularly in terms of character development and motivations.

Firstly, Brad's sudden change in conversation from partying to cocaine feels abrupt and not in line with his character. It also seems like he's pressuring Veronica into doing drugs, which can be uncomfortable to watch.

Additionally, Veronica's sudden desire to stop Heather doesn't feel fully developed or clear. It comes across as out of nowhere, without any real explanation or justification.

Furthermore, the scene towards the end where Heather confronts Veronica feels contrived and forced. Heather's language and attitude come across as cartoonishly villainous, which takes away from the realism of the film.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more nuanced character development and clearer motivations for the characters' actions.
Suggestions 1. The dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful.
2. Consider giving Veronica stronger motivation or inner conflict to make her actions more believable. Right now, her turn against Heather appears sudden and inconsistent with her character.
3. The setting and action could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere and visual elements of the scene.
4. Think about how to make the interactions between the characters more dynamic and engaging. Are there ways to add tension or humor to the scene?



Scene 8 -  Strip Croquet and Confessions
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
37 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY -- NIGHT 37

VERONICA charges into the alley. She whips around to face a
screeching HEATHER CHANDLER. In back of VERONICA, the trashcan
bellows like Mt. Vesuvius.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You stupid cunt!

VERONICA
You goddamn bitch!
The flickering flames cast HEATHER CHANDLER in a demonic
light.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You were nothing before you met me!
You were playing Barbies with Betty
Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a
Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout
Cookie! I got you into a Remington
Party! What's my thanks? It's on the
hallway carpet. I get paid in puke!

VERONICA
Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(totally in control)
Monday morning, you're history. I'll
tell everyone about tonight. Transfer
to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
No one at Westerburg's going to let
you play their reindeer games.

38 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 38

VERONICA flings her diary across the room where it hits the
wall behind the stunning figure of J.D. VERONICA gasps.

J.D.
Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

VERONICA
(exhaling deeply)
S'okay....

J.D.
I saw the croquet set-up in the back.
Up for a match?

VERONICA is simultaneously dismayed and exhilarated. She seems
ready to burst out all her anxieties but instead....

VERONICA
Sure. But I'm Blue.

39 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD -- LATE NIGHT 39

The viewer's viewpoint glides through the grass of Veronica's
backyard uncovering combinations of wickets and articles of
clothing. A pair of girls shoes and a pair of guys shoes rest
together by the first wicket.

J.D. (V.O.)
Goddamn, no wonder you looked so
mangled when I came through the window.

Feminine socks and masculine socks lay crumpled by the next wicket.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I've always treated Heather's teen
queen power plays as bullshit.....

As VERONICA quiveringly pauses, a stylish blouse and a rugged
shirt are revealed mingling by another wicket.

VERONICA (V.O.)
But I'm really scared. Who am I going
to eat lunch with on Monday? I sound
like an Afterschool Special.

The viewer's viewpoint moves to a dress and a pair of jeans
resting side by side at another wicket.

J.D. (V.O.)
That was my first game of Strip
Croquet, you know. I thank you.

VERONICA (V.O.)
You're welcome. It's a lot more
interesting than just flinging
off your clothes and boning away
on the neighbor's swing set.

VERONICA'S blue mallet has been staked into the ground. Her
panties hang on one end, J.D.'s underwear hangs on the other.

J.D. (O.S.)
Well, I don't know. There's
something to be said for...Ouch!

VERONICA and J.D. are finally revealed, entangled in an artful
pose upon J.D.'s gunslinger coat. They warmly kiss. VERONICA
breaks off to uneasily giggle.

VERONICA
What a night.

J.D. gently bites in to VERONICA's neck. VERONICA grooves on
it, closing her eyes tightly.

VERONICA
What a life. I almost moved into high
school out of sixth grade because I
was some genius. We all decided to
chuck the idea because I'd have
trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.

VERONICA slides her head down against J.D.'s chest and
gracefully rests on his lap. Gently fighting slumber, she
murmurs up to J.D., who showers her face with slow kisses.

VERONICA
Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use
my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss
to wear and how to hit three keggers
before curfew. Some genius.
J.D.
Heather Chandler is one bitch that
deserves to die.

VERONICA
Killing her won't solve anything.

J.D.
A well-timed lightning bolt through
her window and Monday morning, all
the other heathers, shit, everybody
would be cast fucking adrift.

VERONICA
Well then, I'll pray for rain.

J.D.
See the condoms in the grass over
there. We killed tonight, Veronica.
We murdered our baby.

VERONICA
Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.

J.D.
Just saying it's not hard to end a life.

VERONICA
There's a big difference between
the most popular girl in the school
and dead sperm.

They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position.

J.D.
I guess I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.

VERONICA
I know exactly what the hell you're
talking about and you're right, you
don't know what the hell you're
talking about. Let's just grow up,
be adults, and die.

J.D.
Good plan.

VERONICA
But before that, I'd like to see
Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

40 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM -- DAY 40

HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively furnished
with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching centerpiece.
HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted bedsheets as MRS.
CHANDLER'S VOICE attacks through the door.
MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
We are leaving soon for your
grandmother's. If you care to join us...

HEATHER CHANDLER
Bag that.

MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
Is that a "No" in your lingo?

HEATHER CHANDLER gives the voice behind the door "the finger."

HEATHER CHANDLER
Lingo this.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and JD confess their fears and anxieties while playing strip croquet in Veronica's backyard. They end up spending the night together. The next day, Heather Chandler dismisses her mother's invitation to visit her grandmother.
Strengths "The scene carefully portrays the characters' vulnerabilities and their growing relationship."
Weaknesses "The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the story and doesn't add much to the plot."
Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from more clarity in terms of character motivation and plot development. For example, while the animosity between Veronica and Heather is clear, it's not entirely clear why they are fighting in this particular moment or what led up to it. Additionally, while the sexual tension between Veronica and J.D. is established, their sudden romantic connection feels forced and not fully earned. Furthermore, the transition from the heated argument in the alley to the intimate moment between Veronica and J.D. feels abrupt and disjointed.

Additionally, the use of vulgar language may not be necessary in order to convey the characters' feelings and emotions. It's important to ask whether the use of such language serves a purpose in furthering the story or the characters' development, or if it merely comes off as gratuitous.

On a positive note, the use of visuals and setting descriptions to establish tone and atmosphere is effective, especially in the way that the viewer's viewpoint glides through Veronica's backyard. Continuing to use visual cues to convey character emotions and internal states could be a strength to play to.

In short, the scene could benefit from more solid plot development and character motivation, as well as more nuanced use of language, while continuing to lean into the strengths of visual storytelling to convey atmosphere and emotion.
Suggestions I would suggest adding more visual description to the scene and using action to show the tension between Veronica and Heather Chandler. Maybe include some blocking or movement to show the physicality of their altercation. Additionally, the dialogue exchange between Veronica and JD could be tightened and made more concise to improve pacing. Finally, I would suggest adding more depth to Heather Chandler's character to make her more than just a mean girl stereotype.



Scene 9 -  Concocting a Hangover Cure
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
41 INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN -- DAY 41

The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door.

VERONICA
(quietly)
Trust me. She skips the Saturday
morning trip to Grandma's even
when she's not hungover.

J.D.
Then let's just concoct ourselves a
little hangover cure that'll induce
her to spew red, white, and blue.

VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard
beneath the sink.

VERONICA
What about orange juice and milk?
What's the upchuck factor on that?

J.D. holds up a bottle of cleaning fluid.

J.D.
I'm a No Rust Build-up man, myself.

VERONICA
Don't be a dick. That stuff'll
kill her.

VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends
back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as
J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers
(detergent, scouring powder) into a glass beer mug.

VERONICA
O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put
it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it
be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?
J.D.
Man Veronica, pull the plug on that
shit. I say we go with Big Blue.

J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue
liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own
thoughts.

VERONICA
What are you DOING? You just
can't go.....Besides, she'd never
drink anything that looks like that.

J.D.
Okay we'll use this. She won't be
able to tell what she's drinking.

J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the
poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause
ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of
orange juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily
muttering.

VERONICA
Just give me a cup, jerk.

J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA
tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange
juice into the cup.

VERONICA
Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe
we could cough a phlegm globber in
it or something.

J.D.
Yeah, great.

They both start coughing harshly.

VERONICA
No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll
do quite nicely. Quite nicely.

J.D.
Chick-en.

VERONICA
You're not funny.

J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down
at the mess of toxic containers.

With both arms, VERONICA clumps the toxic containers together
and drops beneath the sink to put them away. J.D. swaggers
back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs back into view.

J.D.
I'm sorry.
J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes
with a grudging smile.

VERONICA
Bonehead.

VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups.

Not the one with milk and orange juice in it.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. break into the Chandler kitchen to concoct a hangover cure for Heather. They experiment with mixing different ingredients to make a drink that Heather won't suspect. Veronica is skeptical of J.D.'s recommendations for using toxic cleaning products to make the cure and suggests more palatable ingredients like milk and orange juice instead. Ultimately, they settle on a combination of the two ingredients.
Strengths "The scene provides light-hearted comic relief in a darker storyline related to crime. Veronica and J.D.'s banter is engaging and entertaining."
Weaknesses "The scene is not particularly significant in terms of plot or character development. While it provides some respite from the heavier themes of the screenplay, it may not be essential to the overall story."
Critique There are several issues with this scene:

1. The scene is unclear. It's not clear why Veronica and J.D. are breaking into the Chandler kitchen or why they are trying to make someone throw up. This lack of clarity makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
2. The humor falls flat. The jokes about creating a hangover cure and putting toxic chemicals in a drink are not particularly funny and feel more mean-spirited than anything else.
3. The action is stagnant. The scene takes place entirely in the kitchen and there is little movement or action to keep the audience engaged. This makes the scene feel longer than it actually is.
4. The character motivations are unclear. Veronica and J.D.'s motivations are not entirely clear and their actions feel random and confusing. Without clear motivation, it's difficult for the audience to understand why they are doing what they are doing.

Overall, this scene needs clearer action and more compelling character motivations to keep the audience engaged and invested in what is happening. The humor should also be reworked to be less mean-spirited and more engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the characters: At this point in the script, the audience may not know much about Veronica and J.D. It would be helpful to add some dialogue or actions that establish their personalities and motivations. Are they friends? Enemies? Are they trying to impress each other?

2. Make the stakes clearer: Why do they need to make someone vomit? Is it a prank or is someone in danger? Including more information about the situation would make the scene more engaging.

3. Create more tension: There is some tension when Veronica objects to J.D.'s poisonous concoction, but it quickly dissipates. Adding more conflict or raising the stakes would keep the audience invested in the scene.

4. Cut down on the dialogue: Some of the banter between Veronica and J.D. feels unnecessary or repetitive. Removing or condensing some of the lines would make the scene tighter and more impactful.

5. Use visual storytelling: This scene relies heavily on dialogue to explain what's happening. Adding more visuals and action would make the scene more dynamic. For example, instead of having Veronica say "What about orange juice and milk? What's the upchuck factor on that?", show her mixing the two liquids together and making a face.



Scene 10 -  Murder and Cover-Up
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
42 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM -- DAY 42

HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D.
enter.

VERONICA
Morning, Heather.

Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle
surprise. Hear about Veronica's
affection for regurgitation?

VERONICA
We both said a lot of things we
didn't mean, last night.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?

J.D.
Veronica knew you'd have a hangover.
So I whipped this up. Family recipe.

J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you put a phlegm globber in it
or something? I'm not drinking that piss.

J.D.
I knew this stuff would be too intense.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink
it just because you call me CHICKEN.

They do. They're right.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Just give me the cup, jerk.

HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in
anger. She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it
all.
She then launches her head forward, her face contorted in
agony.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!

HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes
through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze.

J.D.
Something tells me you picked up
the wrong cup.

VERONICA
No shit, sherlock. I can't believe
it. I just killed my best friend.

J.D.
And your worst enemy.

VERONICA
Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...

VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock.

J.D.
What are we going to tell the cops?
"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."

VERONICA
Stop kidding around. The police....oh
no, oh God....I can't believe this is
my life..I'm going to have to send my
S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead
of Stanford.

J.D.
I'm just a little freaked, all right?
(a beat)
You got what you wanted, you know.

VERONICA
Don't say that! It's one thing to
want somebody out of your life. It's
another thing to serve them a wake-up
cup of Liquid Drainer....Don't say....

VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He
scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees
Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming
"THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" under HEATHER CHANDLER's body.

J.D.
We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime.
But if this was like a suicide thing.....

VERONICA
Like a suicide thing?
J.D.
Adolescence is a period of life
fraught with anxiety and confusion.

VERONICA
(calming down)
I can do Heather's handwriting as
well as my own.

VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins
writing, calling out her words.

VERONICA
"You might think what I've done is
shocking..."

J.D.
"To me though, suicide is the
natural answer to the myriad
of problems life has given me."

VERONICA
That's good, but Heather would
never use the word "myriad."

J.D.
This is the last thing she'll ever
write. She'll want to cash in on as
many fifty-cent words as poss.

VERONICA
She missed "myriad" on a vocab
test two weeks ago, all right?

J.D.
That only proves my point more. The word
is a badge for her failures at school.

VERONICA
You're probably right..."People think
just because you're beautiful and
popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody
understood I had feelings too."

J.D.
"I die knowing no one knew the real me."

VERONICA
That's good. Have you done this before?

VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. accidentally murder Heather Chandler and must figure out how to cover it up.
Strengths "The scene has witty dialogue and a darkly comic tone that keeps the audience engaged. Some viewers may find the concept of accidental murder intriguing."
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the scene's humor in poor taste due to the subject matter."
Critique This scene from "Heathers" has strong elements that make it a compelling story. The dialogue is sharp and witty, and the characters are well-defined. The scene sets up the dark, satirical tone that pervades the film.

However, there are some issues in this scene that could be improved. The pacing is a little slow at times, and the scene could benefit from tighter editing to make it more impactful. Additionally, the characters of Veronica and J.D. could use a little more development, as their motivations for the murder of Heather Chandler are not completely clear.

Overall, though, this scene is a strong example of screenwriting that effectively combines elements of dark comedy, drama, and suspense. With a few tweaks, it could be even more powerful.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the characters' intentions: It's not clear why Veronica and J.D. are in Heather's room in the first place. Adding a line or two to establish their reason for being there could help the audience understand their motivations.

2. Develop Heather's character: Heather comes across as mean and unpleasant in this scene, but we don't know much about her beyond that. Adding a few more details about her character and backstory could make her more three-dimensional and interesting.

3. Increase the tension: The scene is supposed to be suspenseful and shocking, but it feels a bit flat. Adding more suspenseful music or sound effects, or having the characters act more panicked and frantic as they try to figure out what to do next, could make the scene more exciting.

4. Cut down on the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit expository or unnecessary. Trimming the dialogue and focusing on the most important lines could help the scene feel more efficient and tense.

5. Add more physical action: The scene relies heavily on dialogue, but adding more physical action - such as Veronica and J.D. frantically searching the room for clues or trying to clean up the mess - could help keep the audience engaged and invested in what's happening.



Scene 11 -  Morning Mourning Conference and Classroom Reactions
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
43 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY 43

At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike
PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but
savvy MRS. POPE, the yuppie black counselor PAUL HYDE, TWO
large DISCIPLINARIAN-TYPES, and most noticeably, the
eccentrically dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs
and cigarette smoke is in the air, as the group batters their
way through a morning mourning conference.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Any other Principal would take the same
position. Keep things business as usual.

COUNSELOR HYDE
Heather Chandler's not your everyday
suicide. She was VERY popular.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Come on Paul, I let the kids go before
lunch and the switchboard'll light up
like a Christmas Tree.

COUNSELOR HYDE
The parents will be sympathetic, sir.
These are troubled times for the young.

MRS. POPE
I must say I was impressed to see
that she made proper use of the word
"myriad" in her suicide note after
brutalizing it in a vocabulary test.

PAULINE
(dramatically cutting in)
I find it profoundly disturbing that
we are told of a tragic destruction
of youth and all we can talk about
is adequate mourning times and
misused vocabulary words.

A collective sigh goes across the room.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Oh Christ.

PAULINE
The school, meaning both students
and teachers, must revel in this
revealing moment. I suggest we get
everyone into the cafeteria and
just talk. And feel. Together.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me
when the shuttle lands...Now is
this Heather the cheerleader?

COUNSELOR HYDE
That would be Heather Mcnamara.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Damn. I'd be willing to go half a
day for a cheerleader.
MRS. POPE
Let's just pack it in an hour early.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Done. I hate Mondays.

44 INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM -- DAY 44

The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an
amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is
furious.

PAULINE
I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget
it! Just sit down. I'm just so THRILLED
to be given an example of everything
I've taught you. That example is
Heather Chandler. I have the note!

PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS.

MALE STUDENT
Awright!

PAULINE
I'll pass the suicide note around
the room so you can feel its tragic
beauty for yourself. Let us share
together the feelings the suicide has
spurred in us all. Who wants to begin?

FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JAKET
I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked
down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing
disinfectant then she smashed....

PAULINE
Now, now, we're not here to rehash
the coroner's report. Let's talk EMOTIONS.

ALL-OUT NERD
Are we going to be tested on this?

A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks.
The note continues to be breathlessly passed around.

PETER
Heather and I used to go together,
but she said I was boring. I realize
now I wasn't really boring. She was
just dissatisfied with her life.

PAULINE
That's very good Peter.

VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by
putting her hands over her face.
PAULINE
Dear Veronica, Heather was your
soulmate.....Share.

VERONICA
Heather was cool, but cruel. The good
looks and bad manners gave her power,
but it could not give her happiness.

The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to
her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then
continues, realizing her ability to create truths for a
captive audience.

VERONICA
She realized the only way she could
be happy was to give up her power and
the only way she could do that was Death.

PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles.

45 INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM -- DAY 45

The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so
UNFAIR! We should get a whole week
off not just an hour.

HEATHER DUKE
Write the School Board.

HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks.

VERONICA
Watch it, Heather. You could actually
be digesting food.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

HEATHER DUKE
(belching)
Fuck it.

HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Look, heather left behind one of her
Swatches. She'd want you to have it,
Veronica. She always said you couldn't
accessorize for shit.

HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who
stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY
JACKET stops next to their bench.
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
I'm sorry about your friend. I thought
she was your usual airhead bitch.
Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were.

HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone.

HEATHER DUKE
What a waste.

VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area.

HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
Oh the Humanity.

46 INT. THE SHOWER -- DAY 46

VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against
her clothes.
Genres: ["dark comedy","drama"]

Summary The school holds a conference to discuss the suicide of popular student Heather Chandler, with some members of the administration showing apathy towards the tragedy. In the classroom, Ms. Fleming encourages extreme emotional reactions to the suicide note and Veronica realizes her power in storytelling.
Strengths
  • clever dialogue
  • satirical portrayal of high school culture
  • strong character personalities
Weaknesses
  • lack of action or clear plot development
Critique Overall, the scene has strong character development and establishes the tone of the film. The dialogue is sharp and witty, but also conveys the deeply troubled nature of the characters. However, there are a few issues with the pacing, particularly in the second half where the suicide note is passed around the classroom. The scene could benefit from some tightening up and focusing on the emotional impact of Heather's death rather than the logistics of passing around the note. Additionally, there could be a clearer thematic through-line to tie the various conversations together and give the scene more cohesion. Overall, a strong start to the script but with room for improvement in execution.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the tone: The scene jumps around a lot in terms of tone (from comedic to serious to melodramatic). It would be more effective to pick one tone and stick with it throughout the scene.

2. Develop the characters: While the scene introduces a lot of characters, few of them feel fully developed or fleshed out. Giving each character a clear motivation and personality would make the scene more engaging.

3. Reconsider the suicide note scene: The scene where the suicide note is passed around the classroom feels unrealistic and melodramatic. Revising or removing this scene would make the overall story feel less contrived.

4. Remove unnecessary dialogue: There are several lines of dialogue that don't add anything to the scene. Cutting them would streamline the story and make it more impactful.

5. Add more conflict: The scene doesn't have a clear conflict or tension. Adding more conflict would make the scene more engaging and give audiences a reason to care about what happens.



Scene 12 -  Locker Room Shenanigans
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
47 INT. THE LOCKER ROOM -- DAY 47

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica, what are you doing?

SQUEALING GIRL (O.S.)
Everyone in the shower!

TWO GIGGLING GIRLS run into the shower fully clothed. THREE
OTHERS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other, laugh,
and run in.

48 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE -- DAY 48

Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak
into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in.

MATT
Do I deliver or do I deliver?

RODNEY
Hurry up, we're going to get caught.

MATT
Mellow out Geek. Man, I never
should have brought you.

CLYDE
Let's see some PUSSY!

MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the
showering and clothed GIRLS.

49 INT. THE SHOWER -- DAY 49

The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA
stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached.
50 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE -- DAY 50

Cautiously quiet pandemonium.

MATT
Does this have something to do with
menstrual cramps and shit?

CLYDE
(dazed)
What the fuck?

RODNEY
We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I
can feel it.

CLYDE
What the fuck?

51 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 51

Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the
HEATHERS come out of the school.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
That was seriously warped, Veronica.

VERONICA
Uh-huh.

HEATHER DUKE
T.V. cameras!

In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS.
HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes!

HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward
the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch
on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a neaby trashcan.
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Veronica and the Heathers sneak into the shower while Matt, Clyde, and Rodney sneak into the girls' coach's locker room office to spy on them. They catch the girls on camera and later encounter a TV camera crew outside the school.
Strengths "The combination of comedy and drama keeps the scene engaging. The characters act and speak appropriately for their personalities."
Weaknesses "The dialogue doesn't stand out as particularly memorable."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot provide a personal opinion, but I can provide feedback based on standard screenwriting techniques.

The scene lacks clarity and context to establish the characters' backgrounds and goals. The audience is not given enough information to understand the characters' motivations and actions.

Additionally, the scene may be seen as inappropriate and offensive as it portrays voyeurism and objectifies women. The scene may need to be restructured to remove or redefine the problematic elements.

Furthermore, the story may need to focus on the protagonist's journey and arc, highlighting how this scene fits into her story.

Overall, the scene needs more development with a clearer context, grounded characterization, and a stronger narrative purpose.
Suggestions 1. Consider the tone: The scene has a voyeuristic and predatory tone as male characters sneak into the girls' locker room to watch them shower. This can be uncomfortable and inappropriate, especially since the girls are shown in slow-motion ballet-like movements. It may be necessary to rethink this scene and how it is portrayed.

2. Develop the characters: The male characters are mostly one-dimensional and are only motivated by their desire to see naked girls. It would help to develop their characters and give them more complex motivations. Similarly, the Heather characters can also be developed further to add more depth to the scene.

3. Provide context: The scene lacks clear context and seems to come out of nowhere. It would be useful to establish why the boys are sneaking into the locker room and why the girls are showering fully clothed. This context can add to the tension and make the scene more interesting.

4. Consider the message: The scene can send problematic messages about voyeurism and sexualization of women. It would be crucial to ensure that these themes are handled carefully and sensitively. It may be necessary to rethink how the scene is portrayed and what messages it can potentially convey.

5. Add stakes: The scene lacks clear stakes or consequences for the characters involved. Adding stakes can help create tension and make the scene more engaging. For example, the boys getting caught or the girls confronting them can add stakes and make the scene more impactful.



Scene 13 -  Watching TV with J.D.'s Family
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
52 INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM -- LATE AFTERNOON 52

A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE posed by a
tree, talking into a microphone.

HEATHER DUKE (T.V.)
I choose to remember the good times.
Like when we got our ears pierced
at the mall.

The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking
into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.)
I can still hear those late night
talks on the phone.
The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next.

PETER (T.V.)
The day I won her that stuffed rhino
at the 4-H Fair, she said to me....

VERONICA (O.S.)
You're an asshole! Mute him!

VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D.
pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound.

J.D.
Mute!

VERONICA
Next channel, darling.

The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a
microphone is on the screen.

VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather, how many networks did
you run to!

Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN.
VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on.

VERONICA
Oh, I have to hear this.

COURTNEY (T.V.)
In my heart, Heather's still alive.

VERONICA
(muting Courtney)
What are you talking about? She
hated you! You hated her!
(to J.D.)
What are you smiling at?

J.D.
Heather Chandler is more popular
than ever now.

VERONICA
Yeah. Scary stuff.

J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous
half-smile. He inexplicably calls out.

J.D.
Why son, I didn't hear you come in.

J.D.'s father BIG BUD DEAN, stands before them, handsome and
threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather malevolently
holding a rowing machine.
BIG BUD DEAN
Hey Dad, how was work today?

BIG BUD slams down his rowing machine and straddles it before
answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady
Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.

BIG BUD DEAN
It was miserable. Some damn tribe of
withered old bitches doesn't want us
to terminate that fleabag hotel. All
because Glenn Miller and his band once
took a shit there. It's just like
Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas?

J.D.
That was the one with wheat right?

BIG BUD DEAN
The Save the Memorial Oak Tree
Society. Showed those fucks.

J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile.

J.D.
Thirty Fourth of July fireworks
attached to the trunk. Arraigned
but Acquitted.

BIG BUD DEAN
Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost
forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

J.D.
Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica.

VERONICA
Hello.

VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked BUD's hand.
He extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing
hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh.

J.D.
Jason, why don't you ask your
little friend to stay for dinner.

VERONICA
(awkwardly standing)
My Mom's making my favorite meal
tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

J.D.
Nice. The last time I saw my Mom,
she was waving out the window of a
library in Texas. Right, DAD?

BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-
Tougher-Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D.
BIG BUD DEAD
Right, SON.

VERONICA
(weakly)
Right.

53 EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO -- DUSK 53

Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are
seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them. Pate
is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette.

DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.

VERONICA walks into view and sits down.

VERONICA
All right.

DAD
So what was the first day after
Heather's suicide like?

VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

MOM
Terrible thing. So will we get to
meet this dark horse prom contender?

VERONICA
MayBE.

DAD
(looking at his cigarette)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I smoke these damn things?

VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.

DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.

DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin.

MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....

VERONICA
Greate pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the funeral tomorrow.
54 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 54

A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the
funeral. HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front
of a dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting.
Genres: []

Summary Veronica watches TV with J.D. and his family, commenting on various characters as they watch.
Strengths "Good use of dialogue to further character relationships. Interesting dynamic between Veronica and J.D.\n"
Weaknesses "Not much happens in this scene. Little conflict or tension to drive the plot forward."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, it's hard for me to judge the quality of a scene since it's subjective, but I'll try my best. The scene does a good job of setting up the dynamic between Veronica and J.D.'s father, Big Bud Dean, and adding a layer of tension to the story. The dialogue between the characters is also well-written and engaging. However, the sudden transition to the Sawyer family scene feels a bit out of place and unrelated to the previous scenes. It would be helpful to have a clearer connection between the two scenes or a smoother transition. Additionally, the use of a montage to show the characters preparing for the funeral feels a bit cliched and could be more creative. Overall, the scene shows promise but could benefit from some tweaking.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It is not clear what the scene is trying to accomplish. Is it to develop the relationship between Veronica and J.D.? Is it to showcase Veronica's interactions with other characters? Determine the main objective of the scene and ensure that all elements work towards achieving it.

2. Simplify the dialogue: The dialogue is often convoluted and difficult to follow. Eliminate unnecessary words and make sure that character exchanges are clear and concise.

3. Show rather than tell: Instead of having characters talk about past events, consider using visual cues or flashbacks to show them. This will make the scene more visually interesting and engaging.

4. Make character motivations clear: It is not clear why Veronica and J.D. are watching the TV show or why Veronica is uncomfortable around J.D.'s father. Make sure character motivations are clear and contribute towards achieving the main objective of the scene.

5. Add more conflict: The scene lacks conflict, which makes it feel stagnant. Consider adding an obstacle or challenge that the characters must overcome in order to achieve their objectives, making the scene more compelling to watch.



Scene 14 -  The Funeral
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
55 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- DAY 55

Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is
FUNERAL CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A
look of horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs
her lips.

56 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 56

A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER,
smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently
kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot.

57 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 57

HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds
this time with a satisfied smile.

58 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- DAY 58

Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a
crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it.

59 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 59
A59 A59
HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER RIPPER
bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is
revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA
and J.D. watch from the back pew.

FATHER RIPPER (O.S.)
I blame not Heather but rather a
society that tells its youth that
the answers are on the MTV video
games. We must pray the other
teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know
the name of that "righteous dude"
who can solve their problems....

The bald FATHER RIPPER finally comes into view.

FATHER RIPPER
(cont'd)
It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

B59 KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN -- LATER B59

BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin.
The viewer hears what she is thinking.
BETTY (V.O.)
May Heather Chandler rest in peace
even though she committed suicide.
For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-
glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.

BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.
HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)
Oh God, this is a tragic thing and
sometimes I have a hard time dealing
with it and stuff. Please send Heather
to heaven and all that. Thanks. I
mean, Amen.

HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.

PETER (V.O.)
Dear God, make sure this never
happens to me. I do not think I
could handle suicide and that's
the God's honest truth. Pardon
the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-
into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-
please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.

PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.

RAM (V.O.)
Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did
you kill such hot snatch. That's
a joke, man. People are so serious.
(a beat)
Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,
pray for us sinners....so we don't
get caught. Another joke, man.

RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.

HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
I prayed for the death of Heather
Chandler many times and I felt bad
every time I did, but I kept doing
it anyway. Now I know you understood
everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.

HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't
kill Heather Chandler but hey, who
am I trying to kid, right? I just
want my high school to be a nice
place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
C59 CHURCH LOBBY C59

HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and
then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica. What are you doing tonight?

VERONICA
Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram asked me out, but he wants to
double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't
have a date.

VERONICA
HeaTHER, I've got something
going with J.D.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on
hold tonight, I'll never forget it.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary The Heathers prepare for and attend Heather Chandler's funeral, where they each take turns offering their own unique prayers and thoughts.
Strengths "Interesting and unique scene structure, dark humor in the prayers, further exploration of the Heathers' personalities and relationships."
Weaknesses "Some of the prayers feel forced and out of character, little forward momentum in the plot."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job at setting up the tone and atmosphere of a teen funeral. The details of the characters' mourning rituals also add to the dark and morbid humor of the film.

One issue with the scene, however, is that the characters' inner thoughts and dialogue come across as a bit too forced and expositional. The scene feels like it's trying too hard to convey a certain message or theme, rather than allowing the actions and reactions of the characters to speak for themselves.

Additionally, some of the jokes and humor feel outdated and may not resonate with modern audiences. The use of outdated pop culture references, such as MTV video games, also feels out of place.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more subtle and nuanced dialogue, as well as updated humor.
Suggestions There are a few possible suggestions to improve this scene:

- The scene could be condensed to focus on the most important moments, rather than including every character's thoughts and actions in detail. This would make it more engaging and impactful for the audience.
- The dialogue could be rewritten to sound more natural and realistic, particularly in the monologues from the characters at the podium. The current dialogue feels very scripted and robotic, which can take the audience out of the story.
- The visuals of the scene could be enhanced through more creative camera angles, lighting, and set design. For example, the shots of the funeral could be made more visually striking by showing close-ups of the mourners' faces or focusing on small details in the church.
- The scene could be connected more strongly to the overarching plot and themes of the film. Right now, it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story and doesn't add much to the characters' development or the film's commentary on high school culture. By tying it more closely into the narrative, it could become a more powerful and meaningful moment in the film.



Scene 15 -  Cowtipping and Sexual Healing
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 6
60 EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT -- DAY 60

KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.

KURT
We on tonight, man?

RAM
I still got to talk to Heather,
dude. Weird funeral, huh?

KURT
Pretty weird.

Geeks RODNEY and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES
obliviously steps on KURT's foot.

KURT
That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

RAM
Let's kick his ass.

KURT
Cool off, we're seniors.

RAM
Goddamn Geek!

BRACES gives them "the finger".

BRACES
(awkwardly defiant)
Sit and spin.
KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.

KURT
That little prick.

The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a
hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.

KURT
All right you piece of shit fag,
do you like to suck big dicks?

BRACES
Cut it out!

RAM pushes BRACES down harder.

KURT
Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks.

RODNEY
Leave him alone, Kurt.

J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,
wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads
THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.

RAM (O.S.)
Say it!

BRACES
Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks.

Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.

BRACES
I like to suck big dicks. Mm-mm!
I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?

KURT
I'm sure your friends are happy
to hear that.
(with a lisp)
Right, GUYS?

ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT

VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet
lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very. Promise.

Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off
his face as his friends glumly watch on.
VERONICA
All RIGHT, but I hope it isn't
going to be one of those nights where
they get shitfaced and take us to a
pasture to tip cows.

61 EXT. COW PASTURE -- NIGHT 61
A61 A61
A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM
scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and
HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.

KURT
Is it sleeping, dude?

RAM
I think so, man.

KURT
Then get over on my side. Oh shit,
cowtipping is the fucking greatest.

RAM
Punch it in!

KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the
COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but
VERONICA glares it away.

KURT
Count of three, guy.

KURT AND RAM
One. Two. Three!

An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes
against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.

B61 DEEPER IN THE PASTURE -- LATER IN THE NIGHT B61

KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.

KURT
"When I get that feeling, I need
sexual healing....."

VERONICA
Yeah, right, asshole.

VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately
stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's
intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.
Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT
squints up the hill and falls over backwards.

J.D.
What is this shit?
VERONICA
I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I
tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

KURT
(still face down)
"Feel like making bah da dah bah da
dah, feel like making love."

J.D.
Another fucking Heather.
(harshly laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior
tonight. Seven high schools in seven
states and the only thing different
was my locker combination. We've broke
through the peer pressure cooker. So
what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..

VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.

VERONICA
So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!

J.D.
Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.

J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,
takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.

KURT
"And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Kurt and Ram scheme to go out with Veronica and Heather while Heather confides in the latter about Ram's recent kindness. The group decides to go cow tipping in the most inebriated way possible and things take an emotionally violent turn for the worse when the girls are covered in dirt. J.D. shows up to mock them, chastise Kurt for his musical choices, and suggest they all go for a Slurpee.
Strengths null
Weaknesses "Dialogue feels stiff and too quippy at times."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would have to critique this scene as disturbing and potentially triggering. The language and actions of the bullies towards the geek are violent and offensive, and the portrayal of cow tipping reinforces harmful and dangerous stereotypes about animal cruelty. The scene also includes references to sexual behavior that are inappropriate and offensive. If this scene were in a film, it would require a serious content warning and trigger warning before the film started. Additionally, it would be important to address and handle these themes with sensitivity and care, and to not glorify or normalize this behavior.
Suggestions This scene is problematic in several ways, including promoting bullying, homophobia and animal cruelty. As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest that the scene needs a complete overhaul to remove these negative elements and create a more positive message.

Firstly, the dialogue needs to be adjusted so that it doesn't include derogatory terms or phrases that promote bullying and homophobia. This can be done by changing the words used or by having the characters who engage in this behavior face negative consequences for their actions.

Secondly, the cow-tipping scene needs to be removed entirely as it promotes animal cruelty and sends a negative message to viewers. Instead, this scene can be replaced with a more positive activity that doesn't harm animals and promotes kindness and empathy.

Lastly, the overall message of the scene needs to be revised to promote positive behavior and discourage negative behavior. This can be done by having the characters learn from their mistakes and demonstrate positive actions, such as apologizing for their behavior and making amends with those they've harmed. By doing this, the scene can become an opportunity for character growth and development, rather than promoting negative behavior.



Scene 16 -  Yearbook Confessions
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
62 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP -- DAY 62

In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and YEARBOOK GIRL
ALISON confer over a layout sheet. Alison wears a walkman and
BIG FUN T-shirt. PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.

DENNIS
I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund,
Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!
Ask Alison here, the number one song
right now is "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do
It)" by BigFun. Jesus man, Westerburg
finally got one of these things and I'm
not going to blow it.

PETER
Great. Heather gets the headline and I
get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

VERONICA breezes in.

VERONICA
Hi Guys. I came to check on this
week's lunchtime poll topic.
DENNIS
Don't worry about it, Veronica,
sit down. That funeral yesterday
must have been really rough.

VERONICA
Oh. Sure.

DENNIS
We were, uh, wondering if maybe you
had some poems or artwork that
Heather did that we could put in
the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

VERONICA
The what?

DENNIS
Take a look. We'll have a two page
layout with her suicide note up
here in the right hand corner. It's
more tasteful than it sounds.

Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling
and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide
into chairs, laughing softly.

VERONICA
I don't know. This thing leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.

COURTNEY
Like last night, Veronica?

COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.

VERONICA
I'm sorry? I don't get it.

COURTNEY
You did last night. Kurt told us of
your little date.

VERONICA
Yeah. And? I left him drunk and
flailing in cowshit.

COURTNEY
I don't know. He was really detailed.

PETER
Shut up, Courtney.

VERONICA
Don't shut up. I'd like to know just
what I did.
PETER
(gesturing to the door)
Let me show you that lunchtime
poll topic, Veronica.

63 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP -- DAY 63

PETER tells VERONICA.

PETER
I RARELY listen to Neanderthals like
Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were
bent over like a coffee table with
Kurt going in one end and Ram coming
in the other. Pardon the pun.

VERONICA
(dazed)
Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-BITCH.

Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.

VERONICA
Thanks Pete, for the Foodless Fund.

PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.

64 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 64

VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.

VERONICA
Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I
didn't expect to be calling either. I
guess my emotions took over. I was
wondering if you wanted all those
things you've been saying to really
happen. It's always been a fantasy of
mine to have two guys at once......
Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.

Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.
VERONICA throws a book at him.

VERONICA
That's right. In the woods behind the
school. At Dawn. And don't forget Ram.

65 INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN -- NIGHT 65

KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.

KURT
Women.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The school yearbook workshop discusses plans for the yearbook and specifically the tribute for Heather Chandler. Veronica is uncomfortable with the idea and is confronted by Courtney about her date with Kurt.
Strengths "The dialogue is sharp and witty, with several quotable lines. The confrontation between Veronica and Courtney raises the tension of the scene, and the revelation of Veronica's call to Kurt adds intrigue to the plot."
Weaknesses "There are a couple of scenes that seem extraneous to the main plot thread, such as Peter showing Veronica a lunchtime poll topic. Some of the humor may not land for all audiences."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character interaction. The use of humor and sarcasm adds depth to the characters and makes the scene engaging for the audience. The scene also effectively shows the contrast between the more serious topic of teen suicide and the petty dramas of high school social life.

However, there is a potential issue with the portrayal of Veronica's response to the rumor about her sexual encounter with Kurt and Ram, which could be seen as problematic and perpetuate rape culture. By having Veronica respond by playing along with the fantasy, it could be interpreted as victim blaming or normalizing non-consensual sexual acts. A re-write of this scene, or further exploration of the consequences of the rumor and the characters involved could address this issue.
Suggestions - The scene starts with a lot of dialogue and not enough action. Consider adding some movement or visuals to the scene to break up the dialogue and make it more dynamic.
- The character's motivations and emotions could be clearer. Specifically, Veronica's reaction to the Heather Chandler yearbook spread seems to come out of nowhere. Consider adding a scene or line of dialogue that establishes why she is opposed to it.
- The dialogue between Veronica and the other characters feels a bit too on-the-nose and expository. Consider making the dialogue more natural and realistic, with more subtext and nuance.
- The scene ends abruptly. Consider adding a bit more closure or resolution to this scene, or a clear transition into the next scene.



Scene 17 -  Veronica and J.D. Plan a Fake Shooting
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
66 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 66

VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks
into a laugh.
VERONICA
I don't get the point of me writing
a suicide note when we'll just be
shooting them with blanks.

J.D.
Get crucial. We won't be using
blanks this time.

VERONICA
You can't be serious? Hey listen,
my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.

VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.
With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.

J.D.
Do you take German?

VERONICA
French.

J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.

J.D.
These are Ich Luge bullets. My
grandfather snared a shitload of
them in W.W. Two. They're like
tranquilizers only they break the
surface of the skin, enough to
cause blood, but not any real harm.

VERONICA
So it looks like the person's been
shot and killed when they're really
just unconscious and bleeding.

J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.

J.D.
We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look
like they shot each other. By the time
Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughingstock's of the
school. The note's the punchline.
How'd it turn out?

VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also
plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of
the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both
papers.

VERONICA
First tell me this similarity is
not incredible.

J.D.
(warmly)
Incredible similarity.
VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.

VERONICA
Ram and I died the day we realized
we could never reveal our forbidden
love to an uncaring and ununderstanding
world. The joy we shared in each other's
arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet
we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-
Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.

J.D.
Exquisite, but I don't think
ununderstanding is a word.

VERONICA
We don't want to make them out to be
too secretly eloquent. Why would the
Germans invent a bullet that doesn't
kill people? I mean it WAS World War
Two, not a school play.

J.D.
(rapid-fire)
They used them on themselves to
make it look like they were dead.
Really quite a brilliant device, but
too flamboyant to seriously produce.

VERONICA
Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.

VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable
tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.

J.D.
It doesn't work on small animals!

VERONICA
Oh.

J.D.
Uh well hey, let's take a look at the
homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant
at the scene. Now prepare to be a
little disappointed.

J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the
contents on the bed.

J.D.
We've got an issue of Stud Puppy, a
candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card,
and some mascara.

VERONICA
You must have had fun.
J.D.
You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.
The one perfecto thing I picked up...

J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises
out two bottles of Perrier water.

J.D.
Perrier water!

VERONICA
Oh come ON. Lots of people drink
Perrier. It's come a long way.

J.D.
This is Ohio. If you don't have a
brewsky in your hand you might as
well be wearing a dress.

VERONICA
(mock-seductively)
Oh, you're so smart. How about a
little heterosexuality before we go?

J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.

67 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAWN 67

A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk
through the misty parking lot toward the woods.

RAM
(singing)
Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever
need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello
Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...

KURT
Shut the fuck up, all right.

RAM
Lighten up, dude. In those woods is
some of the finest pussy in the school
and we don't even have to buy it a
hamburger and a Diet Coke. What a way
to start the day! Punch it in!

KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.
Genres: ["comedy","drama","crime"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. plan a fake shooting of two school jocks using Ich Luge bullets and a forged suicide note. They test the bullets on each other, and J.D. shows Veronica the homophobia-filled artifacts he has procured to plant at the scene.
Strengths "The scene cleverly sets up the elaborate fake shooting plot, with humorous dialogue and character interactions."
Weaknesses "The homophobic artifacts and language used by J.D. are potentially offensive to some viewers."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene as follows:

1. The dialogue is unrealistic and lacks depth. While there are a few moments of humor and wit, the exchanges between Veronica and J.D. feel forced and unnatural.

2. The scene lacks urgency and stakes. The plan to use fake bullets and make it look like Kurt and Ram shot each other is not particularly exciting or suspenseful, and the characters seem to be going through the motions rather than truly invested in what they are doing.

3. The scene could benefit from more sensory detail and visual imagery. The description of the set and the actions of the characters are somewhat sparse, leaving the reader with a limited mental picture of what is happening.

4. The scene could also be improved by exploring the characters' motives and emotions more deeply. Why are Veronica and J.D. doing this? What are their personal stakes in the plan? How do they feel about the possibility of someone getting hurt? These questions could add more tension and complexity to the scene.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to make the dialogue more concise and punchier. For example, instead of "You can't be serious? Hey listen, my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over," it could be shortened to "My Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over. You can't be serious." Additionally, the dialogue could benefit from more character development and revealing more about their motives and personalities. Also, it could be helpful to add more description and immersive language to set the scene and make us feel like we're inside Veronica's bedroom with her and JD. Finally, the interactions between Kurt and Ram in the parking lot could be made more tense and dramatic to add more suspense to the upcoming scene.



Scene 18 -  Deadly Game
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
68 EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 68

VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She
nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and
RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.

KURT
Hi Veronica.
VERONICA
(forced cheerfulness)
Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.

RAM smacks his hands together.

RAM
So do we just start fucking?

VERONICA
I've made a circle on each end of
the clearing. Ram, you come over here.

KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.
A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at
the opposite end of the foggy clearing.

VERONICA


The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.

RAM
What about you?

VERONICA
I was hoping you'd rip my clothes
off me, sport.

RAM
Oh. Good idea.

KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.

VERONICA
Count of three, guys.

RAM giggles in anticipation.

VERONICA
One.

KURT finally cracks a smile.

VERONICA
Two.

J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his
right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left.

J.D.
Three.

J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead. VERONICA
rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using both hands,
she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs away onto the
path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile.
VERONICA
Shucks.

J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat.

J.D.
Did you miss him completely?

VERONICA
(giggling)
Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth
it just to see the look on....

J.D.
Don't move! I'll get him back!

VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling
and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods.

THE PATH

A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods.

OFF THE PATH

J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees and fog.

THE CLEARING

VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body.

THE PATH

KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly
moves into the opening and raises his gun. KURT runs back...

THE CLEARING

VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He
does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding and
dead, dead, dead.

KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods.

J.D.
Now!

In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips
around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest.

69 INT. SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAWN 69

Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car
already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER
shouts.

MILNER
I heard it that time!
McCORD
Wha?

MILNER
Another gunshot! From the woods!

McCORD
Shit, let's roll.

The two officer explode out of the car.

70 EXT. THE CLEARING -- DAWN 70

J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA
zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun.

VERONICA
Kurt doesn't look too good.

J.D.
Remember he's left-handed.

A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand.

MILNER (O.S.)
Keep going until you hit the clearing!

J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run
into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into the
clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop.

McCORD
Mother of Shit!

MILNER
Call in!

MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out.

MILNER
I heard something out there. I'm
checking it out.

MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is
holding the pulse of KURT KELLY.

McCORD
This is Officer McCord and I've got
two dead bodies in the woods behind
Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of
them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback.

71 EXT. IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 71

VERONICA and J.D. flow through thick trees. An Owl hoos.

72 EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS -- DAWN 72

MILNER blindly barrels through the dense, foggy woods.
73 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS -- DAWN 73

VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and race up a dew
drenched hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top.

J.D.
Faster!

74 EXT. IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 74

MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving.

75 EXT. THE HILL -- DAWN 75

VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting.

MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam
the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Veronica plans to take revenge on the popular jocks, Kurt and Ram, by luring them to a clearing in the woods, where she and J.D. plan to shoot them with non-lethal bullets. However, their plan goes horribly awry when J.D. kills Ram with a real gun, and Veronica ends up shooting Kurt in self-defense. They flee the scene, leaving the two dead jocks behind.
Strengths "The tension and suspense in the scene is palpable, especially as the plan starts to unravel and J.D. becomes more unhinged. The dialogue is sharp and darkly humorous."
Weaknesses "The scene could be somewhat confusing for viewers who aren't familiar with the rest of the story, and the violence may be too graphic for some viewers."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene by saying it lacks character development and a clear plot point. The dialogue between the characters feels forced and unnatural, especially during the moments leading up to the shooting. The scene lacks a clear motive for the shooting, making it feel like a gratuitous action rather than an intentional plot point. Additionally, the transitions between the different locations and actions lack clarity, making it difficult for the viewer to follow the action and understand the stakes involved. The scene could benefit from stronger character motivations and clearer plot direction to enhance the overall story.
Suggestions There are several ways to improve this scene from a screenwriting perspective. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Clarify the stakes: What is at stake for Veronica in this scene? Is she trying to kill Kurt and Ram, or is this some kind of twisted game? Are there consequences if she doesn't succeed in shooting them? Adding more clarity to the stakes of the scene will make it more engaging for the audience.

2. Develop the characters: At this point in the movie, the audience may not know enough about Veronica or Kurt/Ram to care about what's happening to them. Consider adding more character development earlier in the script to build interest in these characters.

3. Cut down on unnecessary dialogue: The dialogue in this scene feels a bit repetitive and doesn't add a lot to the story. Consider cutting down on some of the banter between the characters to keep the scene moving.

4. Add more tension: This scene is meant to be suspenseful, but it doesn't quite achieve that goal. Consider adding more tension to the moment leading up to J.D. shooting Ram, or when Veronica misses Kurt with her own gun. Building suspense will make the scene more exciting for the audience.

5. Be mindful of tone: There are moments of humor and horror in this scene, but they don't always mesh well. Make sure the tone is consistent throughout by balancing the humor with the horror, or by choosing one tone to stick with throughout.



Scene 19 -  Aftermath of Double Suicide
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
76 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 76

VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin
taking off their clothes.

77 EXT. THE HILL -- DAWN 77

MILNER continues to move up the hill.

78 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 78

VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace.

79 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAR -- DAWN 79

MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie-
talkie startles him.

McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?

MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-
talkie.

MILNER
Think what I heard was just a
stinking owl. All I got is two kids
making out in the backseat of a
car. Should I pry them apart?

McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Forget it. I got all the answers
back here, partner. Boy, kids today
sure start in early. Hey, are they naked?

MILNER sighs, and clicks off his walkie-talkie.
80 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 80

Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They
catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking.

81 EXT. THE CLEARING -- DAWN 81

MILNER runs back into the clearing.

MILNER
What's the deal?

McCORD
Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot
each other.

MILNER
That's Kurt Kelly!

McCORD
Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

MILNER
Oh my God, suicide? Why?

McCORD
Does this answer your question?

McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the
bottles of Perrier water.

MILNER
Oh man, they were FAGS!

McCORD
Listen up, "We could never reveal our
forbidden love to an uncaring and
ununderstanding world."

MILNER
Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Sherwood
Sunday Insert Honorable Mention...

MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up.

MILNER
Wait a second. How did they shoot
each other if we heard two separate
sets of gunshots?

McCORD
I always hear gunshots when I'm high
before noon. Life's a crazy bitch.
Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback
buggering the linebacker. What a waste.

MILNER
Oh the humanity.
82 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM -- MORNING 82

Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a
little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.

COUNSELOR HYDE
(sotto voce to Mrs. Pope)
After every touchdown or whatever,
they give each other a little slap
on the bottom. It seems innocent...

PAULINE (O.S.)
Shut up.

The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.

MRS. POPE
Look at this. "Ununderstanding."

PAULINE
Will you shut up! We were in a
similar position Monday and I
thoughtfully suggested that we get
the students together for an
unadulterated emotional outpouring.
You took the suggestion as an
opportunity to play yet another round
of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."

COUNSELOR HYDE
Pauline, if you want a tryout
for the school play....

PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of
bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,
sexually perverse photography
exhibits involving tennis racquets,
but this suicide thing....I guess
it's all on Pauline's wavelength.
We're just going to write off today,
and Friday she can do her little
little love-in or whatever. Whatever.

83 EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT -- MORNING 83

VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.
Slowly other cars begin to filter in, including a rumbling heap-
ful of Heavy Metalers.

84 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- MORNING 84

The Heavy Metaler Heap's obnoxious muffler causes a sleeping
VERONICA's eyes to snap open in bug-eyed sweat. Mentally
wounded, she climbs into the front seat, pulling on her
blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D.
rumbles from the back as more cars begin to fill the lot.
VERONICA
We killed them, didn't we?

J.D.
Of course.

VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm
of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the
lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of
VERONICA's hand as she wails away.

VERONICA
Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!

J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in
outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.

J.D.
You believed it because you wanted
to believe it. Your true feelings were
too gross and icky for you to face.

VERONICA
I did not want them DEAD.

J.D.
Did too.

VERONICA
Did not.

J.D.
Did too.

VERONICA
Did not.

J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-too's".
VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and
singing "Mary had a Little Lamb." J.D.'s "Did-too's" get
louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. are caught in the act by a police officer who mistakes them for the victims of a double suicide. When it is revealed that they were not the victims, but the perpetrators, Veronica is overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing.
Strengths "Strong emotional performances by the characters convey the weight of the situation"
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels repetitive and unnecessary"
Critique There are a few potential issues with this scene. Firstly, the sudden transition from the cop approaching the car to a discussion of suicide is jarring and doesn't flow very well. It may be helpful to add some more set-up or context for the suicide revelation.

Additionally, the dialogue between Milner and McCord feels a bit forced and exaggerated, particularly their reactions to the news of the double suicide. It may be more effective to tone down their reactions and keep the focus on the impact this news has on Veronica and J.D.

Finally, the argument between Veronica and J.D. at the end of the scene feels a bit cartoonish. The rapid-fire "did-too's" and VERONICA's childish response don't ring true to life and may undercut the emotional impact of the scene. It may be more effective to have a more nuanced argument or discussion between the two characters that feels more grounded in reality.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and conflict to the scene. Perhaps instead of them just passionately kissing, there could be some disagreement or tension between Veronica and J.D. that creates a sense of danger or uncertainty. Furthermore, the dialogue between Milner and McCord could be tightened and made more succinct to increase the pace and energy of the scene. Additionally, more description of the setting and characters would help to create a clearer image in the reader's mind.



Scene 20 -  Teen Angst Bullshit
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
85 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 85

HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering
through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping
car and its sparring occupants.

HEATHER DUKE
Ah, young love.

COURTNEY bounds up to the Heathers.

SQUEELING GIRL #1
Did you hear? School's cancelled today
because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in
a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
HEATHER DUKE
(incredulous, but amused)
No way!

86 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAY 86

J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit
cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes
the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.

J.D.
Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt
and Ram had nothing to offer the school
but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.

VERONICA
(looking to her burnt hand)
Sure. Can we make an ice run
before the funeral?

STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.

87 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 87

A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,
stands over his son's open coffin. KURT wears a black football
helmet. FATHER RIPPER watches on with various ADULTS,
STUDENTS.

MR. KELLY
If there's any way you can hear me,
Kurt buddy, I don't care that you
really were some pansy. You're my
flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.
I love my homosexual son. My son's
gay and I love him!

In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.

VERONICA
Your son's dead and you love him.

J.D.
How do you think Mr. Kelly would
react to a son with a limp wrist
with a pulse?

They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at
her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is
soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated
grimace.

88 OMIT 88

89 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM FLOOR -- NIGHT 89

VERONICA lies next to a Vodka bottle, drinking out of a Dixie
cup. She turns off her blaring radio to speak on the phone.
D.J. (radio)
As you know, the Sherwood Teen Suicide
tote is up to three. Here's one for Kurt
and Ram, BigFun with Teenage Suicide,
Don't Do It....

VERONICA
Hello J.D.? No, it's okay, I just kind
of wanted to talk...Oh, a newsmagazine
show on Channel 16. Really? On the
suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.

VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying against
the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches
up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen.
She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit
now has a body count.

Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as
J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup.

VERONICA (V.O.)
The most popular people in the school
are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a
good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather
depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I
gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing
but what really frightens me is that
I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do
next. It's God versus my boyfriend
and God's losing....

VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping out
her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the
floor and curls into a fetal slumber.

90 INT. THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 90

STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are
wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars.

PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER
DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high.

PAULINE
Peter, kill the jukebox.

As the music amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up
a bullhorn to her lips and crackles...

PAULINE
Could I have your attention?

A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself.

STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate.

PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance.

PAULINE
Our school has been torn apart by
tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it
back together through Togetherness.
I want everyone to clasp hands.
We need to connect this cafeteria
into one mighty circuit.

A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman.

91 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CAFETERIA -- SAME TIME -- DAY 91

Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA bustles toward the
cafeteria entrance clinging to an armful of books while trying
to tie a black armband onto herself.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Following the suicide of two popular students, the school is in mourning and Veronica's relationship with JD becomes increasingly worrisome.
Strengths "The dark humor and biting sarcasm in the dialogue create a unique tone for the scene that enhances its emotional impact."
Weaknesses "The abrupt shift from the funeral scene to Veronica's bedroom scene feels jarring and could benefit from better transition."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I am not a film critic, but as a language model, here are some notes on the scene:

Overall, this scene is part of a dark comedy, and the dialogue is satirical and ironic.

The scene begins with Heather Duke and Heather McNamara observing Veronica's hiccuping car with its occupants, which sets up the tone of the scene. They then receive news that Kurt and Ram have committed suicide in a repressed homosexual suicide pact, which is revealed to be a lie later in the movie.

The next scene shows Veronica and J.D. discussing the situation, and J.D. makes insensitive comments about Kurt and Ram, which shows his lack of empathy.

The scene then moves to the funeral of Kurt, and we see Mr. Kelly, Kurt's father, giving a speech about loving his son and accepting him as gay despite his previous beliefs. Veronica and J.D. make a morbid joke, and Veronica is repulsed by the Little Girl wearing Kurt's football jersey.

The scene then moves to Veronica's bedroom, where she writes in her diary and drinks vodka. She expresses her cynicism about the situation and her lack of fear of J.D.

The scene then moves to the cafeteria, where Pauline Fleming tries to unify the school through "togetherness," but the students are not interested. Veronica arrives and tries to put on her black armband while carrying books.

In terms of structure, the scene moves the plot forward by revealing the lie about Kurt and Ram's suicide and showing the aftermath of their death. It also shows the characters' reactions and attitudes towards the situation, which reveals their personalities and motivations.

Overall, the scene effectively uses sarcasm, irony, and dark humor to comment on the issues of suicide, homophobia, and conformity. However, it may be too morbid and offensive for some viewers, so it is important to consider the audience's sensitivity when writing and portraying such scenes.
Suggestions First, the scene seems to jump around a lot and could benefit from clearer transitions between locations and actions. Also, some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly with the exaggerated reactions to the news of the suicides. It might be helpful to focus more on the characters' emotions and reactions rather than trying to make the scene overly dramatic. Additionally, there doesn't seem to be a clear focus or purpose to the scene - it may benefit from narrowing down the key themes or moments that the writer wants to convey to the audience. Finally, the last sentence feels out of place - it could be more impactful as its own paragraph or included in a larger moment of reflection for Veronica.



Scene 21 -  The Chaos in the Cafeteria
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
92 INT. THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 92

PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling.

PAULINE
Yo, what's the problem? I know you
know how to hold hands. Ring-around-
the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it!
(looking to her watch then Peter)
Where are they?

Her back to the viewer, VERONICA enters the cafeteria. HEATHER
DUKE floats into view and tightly knots VERONICA's armband.

VERONICA
I see Ms. Phlegm's on another crusade.
With usual success.

HEATHER DUKE
(looking to the viewer)
I have a feeling this one'll work.

VERONICA turns to the viewer and half-gasps.

TWO 2-person video CAMERA CREWS and a STILL PHOTOGRAPHER burst
into the cafeteria slightly battering the in-the-way VERONICA.

PAULINE smiles in relief. She wields around, lifting the horn.

PAULINE
The cameras are here! Lock your paws!

Slightly confused but Awesomed, a table of Country Club Kids
including COURTNEY stand and latch out to each other. A nearby
table with BETTY FINN and friends follow suit.

VERONICA looks on with a growing sense of queasiness.

The Cafeteria swirls into a frenzy with members of more
excitable cliques like the Jocks and the Heavy Metalers
jumping over and onto tables anxiously bumbling into hand-
holding constellations. CAMERA CREWS weave beside them.
In a corner, the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot of a thumbs-up
PETER DAWSON with his arms around FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET.

PAULINE runs ahead of a hustling CAMERA CREW and grabs hold of
a chain of hand-holding Jocks. She pulls the chain until it
connects up with a grateful chain of BETTY FINNS.

A sleeping HEATHER MCNAMARA drearily awakens to the havoc around
her. She takes off her black armband, ties it around her
eyes, and droops her head back down on a table.

VERONICA lets her books slide from her hands, shaking her head.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK nervously looks to her out-of-control peers.

HEATHER DUKE slyly looks to VERONICA with an "If you can't
beat em..." smile then saunters into the fray. She slides onto
the lap of Heavy Metaler Matt. The PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot.

PAULINE forces apart the handholding Heavy Metal lovers JACKIE
and STEVE, sandwiches DENNIS in between them, and madly departs.

The PHOTOGRAPHER now shoots a pic of a thumbs-up PETER DAWSON
with his arms around an ALL OUT NERD.

VERONICA stands before the chaos, back to the viewer, in much
the same way Heather Chandler did in the opening scene.

PAULINE and the Geek Squad look to MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.

RODNEY
I may be a geek, but I have my pride.

PAULINE
Gotcha...Could I get some Stoners
over here please!

Frightened and flustered, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes
for a moment then crawls underneath her table.

A last panoramic view of the hustling CAMERA CREWS amid the
panderingly anarchic STUDENTS unfolds.

VERONICA suddenly finds herself flanked by J.D. The exiting
CAMERA CREWS flow past them.

J.D.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?

A dumbfounded VERONICA watches PAULINE and PETER approach.

PETER
I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by
Monday for my Princeton application.
PAULINE
(looking to Veronica)
Veronica, there you are! Wasn't it Fab?
I've put peer pressure out to pasture!

VERONICA
Oh come on, Pauline. What happens
tomorrow, when the cameras aren't here?

As they argue, J.D. looks out and sees MARTHA bob up from
beneath her table then dart back under. He ambles away....

PAULINE
Why are you dissing me, Veronica? I'm
trying to redefine the high school
experience.....

VERONICA
You're ignorning the high school
experience. People are dead and all
you can think to do is whip up some
warped Pity Party. If we're going to
ever build respect for each other,
it's gotta be something...something
real. We can't be tricked into it.
Back me up J.D...J.D.?

PAULINE
(moving off)
Let's go Peter, some people are just
unwilling to share the pain....

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE

MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and
head down, tries to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks
up and freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her,
behind his Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly.

J.D.
Greetings and salutations.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Satire"]

Summary Pauline orchestrates a hand-holding event, with cameras in tow, to promote peer pressure. Veronica questions the faux experience, and the chaos culminates with Martha seeking refuge under her table.
Strengths "Hilariously satirical commentary on the school system and student interactions. The scene subverts the idea of giving into peer pressure and questions the effectiveness of high school experiences."
Weaknesses "The scene may distract from the larger plot and themes. Some characters and their individual motivations may feel unclear."
Critique Overall, this scene has good energy and manages to build tension and chaos in an interesting way. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue feels a bit too expository in places. For example, when Pauline asks "Where are they?" it feels forced and doesn't add anything to the scene. Similarly, Veronica's line "You're ignoring the high school experience" is on-the-nose and could be more subtly communicated.

Secondly, there are a lot of characters and actions happening in this scene, which can make it feel overwhelming and cluttered. It might be beneficial to focus more on a few key characters and their reactions, rather than trying to cover the entire cafeteria.

Finally, the ending feels a bit abrupt - J.D.'s introduction feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't lead into anything. It might be better to cut that last bit and focus on resolving the tension between Veronica and Pauline.

Overall, this is a decent scene with some room for improvement in terms of pacing and dialogue.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from some trimming down as it goes on for too long and starts to feel repetitive. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened to make it more impactful.

One suggestion would be to streamline the chaos in the cafeteria by focusing on a few key characters that are central to the scene, instead of trying to capture everyone's reactions. This will give more weight to the actions of the main characters and make the scene more impactful.

Another suggestion would be to heighten the tension and stakes, by having Veronica confront Pauline and the other students more directly about the consequences of their actions. This will make for a more dramatic confrontation and help to highlight the themes of the movie.

Finally, the scene could benefit from better pacing, with the action and dialogue moving at a brisker pace and the scene building towards a more impactful moment of confrontation.



Scene 22 -  A Breakup and a Gun
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
93 INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT 93

VERONICA restlessly rocks on a couch with increasingly
unguarded annoyance. Excitedly insensitive to her words, J.D.
spins the tuner of his radio, headphones pressed to one ear.

VERONICA
That thing this afternoon...I'm so
angry! It was like "Boy, isn't death
fun!" "Gee, I wonder who'll die next!"
"I'll bet we get FOUR camera crews
next time." It was chaos. Fucking chaos.

J.D. giddily pivots around, tearing the headphones from the
radio and causing a blast of static to accompany his words.
J.D.
What are you talking about? Today
was great. Chaos is great. Chaos is
what killed the dinosaurs, darling,
and it's what's going to make
Westerburg a purified place to get
an education. Face it, our way is
the way. We scare people into not
being assholes.

VERONICA
(a ticking time bomb)
Our way is not OUR way.

J.D.
Tell that to the judge; "Your honor,
I was led to believe there were Ich
Luge bullets in the gun." Tell it to
Kurt Kelly! "Don't shoot, Veronica,
I'm the quarterback."

J.D. goes into a Sonny-Corleone-at-the-Turnpike imitation.
VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a
framed picture of a woman, at the vibrating J.D.

VERONICA
I'm telling it to YOU! YOU! Nothing
good can come from suicide, from murder,
from death. Nothing! Nothing except more
death and shit like that feeding frenzy
this afternoon....Geez, what am I..who...
Unnaah! You can be so immature!

J.D.
(looking off)
You kids are making too much damn noise.

BIG BUD DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway,
holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette.

BIG BUD DEAN
We beat the bitches.

VERONICA
(mumbling)
Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home.

BIG BUD DEAN
Judge told em to slurp shit and die.

BIG BUD moves to the Entertainment console, turns off the
radio and turns on the V.C.R. He crams the cassette in and
hefts up his chest exerciser. He begins pumping away as the
image of a shabby building appears on the massive T.V.

BIG BUD DEAN
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
Masterful. When that blew, it set off
a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs.
The building blows up. BIG BUD cackles. J.D. politely
applauds. BUD pops out the videocassette and bounces away.

BIG BUD DEAN
It's great to be alive!

VERONICA
Do you like your father?

J.D.
Never given the matter much thought.
Liked my mother.

J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw.

J.D.
They said her death was an accident.
But she knew when the explosives were
set to go off. She knew...

VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern.

VERONICA
In some sick way, we unclogged the
sinuses of the school. But if we're
going to keep the school healthy, it's
gotta be through something having to
do with life, not death.

J.D.
Whoa, Metaphor Tennis anyone? Tell me,
if you put a Nazi in a concentration
camp, does that make you a Nazi?

VERONICA
MayBE.

J.D. exhales in frustration before bounding up from the couch
to turn back on the radio.

D.J. (Radio)
Dudes, if I get one more request for
that BigFun song I'M going to
committ suicide. Here it is......

J.D.
(malevolently)
They're playing our song....

As the "song" kicks in (a bunch of guys shouting over a drum
machine), J.D. seductively moves toward VERONICA, semi-lip-
syncing it. As a seethingly angry but not unaroused
VERONICA watches, J.D. slithers onto the couch.
BIGFUN (Radio)
TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW!
PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW!
BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

J.D. stops his seduction and rips out a gun. He giddily fires
into the radio, destroying it.

VERONICA
That's it, we're breaking up.

J.D.
Wha-a-at?

J.D. playfully tackles the fleeing VERONICA. This calms rather
than angers. She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit.

J.D.
You can't bring them back. You
must know that.

VERONICA
I'm not trying to "bring back"
anybody...except maybe myself.

VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and
eventually into a walking-out-the-door position.

VERONICA
To think there was a time when I
thought you were cool. If you can't
deal with me now, just stay home and
shoot your T.V., blow away a couple
toasters or something. Just don't come
to school and don't mess with me.

J.D.
You'll be BACK!

J.D. slowly sits up and with both hands, puts his gun in his
mouth. He pauses, lets go of the gun, and then biting down on
the barrel of the gun, J.D. proceeds to broodingly tie his
shoes.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Veronica confronts J.D. about their destructive behavior and breaks up with him. J.D. then proceeds to use a gun in a brooding, unsettling way.
Strengths "The scene has strong themes of destructive behavior and consequences. The dialogue is snappy and witty."
Weaknesses "J.D.'s actions with the gun may be unsettling for some viewers. The scene feels like the middle of a larger story, and may not work well as a standalone scene."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with strong characterizations and clear dialogue. The tension between Veronica and J.D. is palpable and drives the scene forward. The use of the radio as a device to set the tone and mood of the scene while also providing a backdrop for their conversation is effective.

However, the use of suicide and violence as a means to "purify" the school is problematic and could be triggering for some viewers. Additionally, the sudden transition from J.D. putting the gun in his mouth to tying his shoes is jarring and could be unclear to the audience.

Overall, this scene could benefit from deeper exploration of the characters' motivations and a more nuanced approach to the themes of violence and suicide.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from some tightening and streamlining. Some suggestions are:

1. Cut down on the dialogue between Veronica and J.D. Their conversation about death and chaos is important, but it could be condensed to make it more impactful. Remove some of the extraneous lines.

2. Consider adding more visual elements to the scene. Instead of just having J.D. spinning the tuner of his radio, show the chaos and destruction of the earlier events in the film through flashbacks or images on a TV screen.

3. The scene could also benefit from some more tension. Perhaps have Veronica try to leave multiple times, with J.D. forcibly stopping her each time, until she finally breaks free.

4. Consider adding more nuance to the characters. Both Veronica and J.D. are complex characters with their own motivations and desires. The scene would benefit from delving deeper into their characterizations and exploring their struggles more fully.

5. Finally, the gun scene at the end feels unnecessary and out of place. It could be cut entirely, or replaced with a more subtle moment of tension.



Scene 23 -  Heather Duke and JD's Deal
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
94 INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM -- DAY 94

J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk
as to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into
the second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it.
HEATHER DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8x10's.

The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp
uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end
of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses.
Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly
reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
HEATHER DUKE
What the.....

With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has
YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted
marshmallows off each other's sticks.

HEATHER DUKE
(queasily intrigued)
Where did you get these?

J.D.
Oh, I just had the NICEST chat with
Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's
scary how everyone's got a story to
tell....Would you care to see the
canoeing shots?

HEATHER DUKE
What is this? Blackmail? So what. I
once shared a bunk with the biggest
loser in the state. I'm not running
for president....
(narrowing her eyes at the photos)
I'll give you a week's lunch money.

J.D.
I don't want your money, I want your
strength. Westerburg doesn't need
mushy togetherness, it needs a leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader but...

HEATHER DUKE
But she couldn't handle it.

J.D. laughs. She's on the ball.

J.D.
I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye
Holden says his ideal job'd be making
sure some kids don't fall off a cliff.
He doesn't realize if you pay too much
attention to the kids, you'll back off
the cliff yourself.

HEATHER DUKE
Very very. The photographs?

J.D.
Don't worry. I'll ask you to do a favour,
one you'll enjoy. You'll get the
negatives and everything back then.

J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a
red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk.

J.D.
In the meantime, strength, And hey,
there's a little gift.
95 INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 95

A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up
into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather
Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her.

A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC
BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly
in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet hands
using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER DUKE
winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off.

96 INT. HALLWAY -- DAY 96

HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly
strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather
Chandler fashion to various passers-by.

97 ANOTHER HALLWAY -- DAY 97

Disoriented, VERONICA somnambulates down the hall. She suddenly
brakes amid the flow of Student traffic to stare at a locker.
The locker wears a POLICE LINE--DO NOT CROSS sticker. VERONICA
pulls out a School Spirit Club I.D. Card and moves to the locker.

With the card, she wrangles the locker open. It contains a
coat, recognizably Heather Chandler's. On the inside door is a
sizable mirror, a cute little "HEATHER" license plate, an
Alexander Haig For President sticker, and a picture of VERONICA
and the HEATHERS all wearing sunglasses and acting tough.

VERONICA zeroes in on a three frame Photo Booth picture. In
the first frame, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER stare
stonefaced. In the second frame, the two girls are screaming
at the top of their lungs. In the third frame, they have
returned to a stonefaced state. VERONICA touches the picture
with a quivering smile as two hands flap around her eyes.

HEATHER DUKE
Guess who?

VERONICA
Heather.

VERONICA turns around, stunned. The Heather Chandleresque
HEATHER DUKE can be seen in the locker mirror. VERONICA
violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off.

HEATHER DUKE peers in the open locker. A pair of red earrings
flash out at her. Biting her lip, she reaches for them.

98 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 98

Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With
a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then...

VERONICA
Ouch. Your machine's got the most
obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry.
99 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 99

VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine.

VERONICA (O.S./machine)
I'm just calling to say you can
wear your hair any way you want to.

A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID.

DAVID
Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on
anybody's carpet lately?

100 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 100

VERONICA cringes.

VERONICA
Is this David? Heather's David?
What are you doing....

101 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 101

DAVID
What can I say? I was pretty broken
up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed
somebody super-sensitive like Heather D.

102 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 102

VERONICA
I'm delirious for the both of you.
Can you put Heather on?

103 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 103

DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap.

DAVID
She can't really talk right now.

104 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 104

VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather
address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away,
VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night
table drawer and draws up another address book.
This one is frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and
dials.....

VERONICA
Hello, Betty.....
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary JD blackmails Heather Duke with old photos of her and her friend Martha to get her to become the leader of the school, but Heather is hesitant. Meanwhile, Veronica discovers Heather Chandler's locker and is confronted by Heather Duke.
Strengths "The tension between the characters is palpable and the dialogue is sharp and witty."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow to some viewers and could benefit from more action."
Critique Firstly, the scene seems to lack a clear purpose or goal, which makes it hard to engage with. The main conflict seems to be between J.D. and Heather Duke, but it is not entirely clear what J.D. wants from her, or what Heather's motivations are for engaging in this conversation.

Additionally, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and unnatural, lacking the fluidity and authenticity of real conversation. There are also moments where the characters don't seem to react in believable ways, for example when Heather Duke winks to her friends after wiping her hands on someone's dress – this feels overly contrived and unlikely.

The scene could benefit from clearer motivations for the characters, as well as more naturalistic dialogue and believable reactions. Without a clear sense of what J.D. wants from Heather, or what Heather hopes to gain from this interaction, it is hard for the audience to feel invested in the scene.
Suggestions One suggestion for this scene would be to make the dialogue more concise and to the point. Some of the exchanges between J.D. and Heather Duke feel needlessly drawn out, which could make the scene feel slower than necessary. Another suggestion would be to add more visual details to the scene, such as describing the expressions and body language of the characters to heighten the tension and add depth to the scene. Finally, tightening up the transitions between the different locations in the scene could help to make it flow more smoothly.



Scene 24 -  Croquet and Conversations
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
105 EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD -- LATE AFTERNOON 105

BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in
delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face.
BETTY
I don't believe it. I'm winning.

VERONICA
Don't get cocky, girl.

BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up.

BETTY
I missed you. I know I'm not as, as
exciting as your other friends.

VERONICA
That's bullshit. Just shoot.

BETTY once again bends and raises.

BETTY
Ronnie, I'm still a virgin. I french-
kissed Al Springer once but he...

VERONICA
(warmly)
Shoot.

BETTY finally shoots. Feebly.

VERONICA
Betty, your daydreams are a lot
better than my realities, believe
me. I'm afraid though it's time to die.

BETTY
Ronnie!

VEONCIA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead
hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she
determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's.

BETTY
Hey, you're not settling for the two shots
are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way.

VERONICA
It's not my style, okay?

BETTY
Nice guys finish last. I should know.

VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing
toward the porch and a statuesque Earring-wearing HEATHER
DUKE, who does not budge as the ball whizzes past her.

HEATHER DUKE
Brav-O!

BETTY FINN
(nervously)
I've got to get going, Veronica.
VERONICA
Sure.

HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering
desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and
fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Croquet won't be the same without Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
(condescendingly to the passing Betty)
Oh Betty, leaving so soon...HEY, I'M RED!

LATER IN THE GAME

Red ball underfoot, HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER
MCNAMARA's green ball into the flower bed.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Shit.

HEATHER DUKE
You know what really bites; when people
watch that cafeteria stuff on TV and see
all those Geeks and Metalheads jumping
around, they're going to think Uncool
is the Rule at Westerburg.....Damn!

HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket.

VERONICA
You're so polluted. Talking down to
people, making fake notes....

VERONICA blows her shot.

HEATHER DUKE
I don't see what gives you the right
to lecture, RONNIE. You were
soulmates with Betty Finn until you
realized you're the cover of
Seventeen magazine and she's the
before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad.

HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares
to send it.

HEATHER DUKE
Some people just don't matter. Why
should those who do carry their
weight? Am I right?

As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her
own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two
balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack.
VERONICA
No, you're wrong. It's not even
your turn.

The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying
against a tree, pipes in.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
She's right.....Boy, croquet's not
the same without Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
(shaking out her wrist)
I don't know what your damage is
Veronica, but me and Heather are
going to walk over to the Mall.
Maybe by the time we head back,
your tampon'll be flushed.

As HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA meander out the back of
the yard, an annoyed VERONICA revolves back toward the house
to see J.D. sitting comfortably at the patio table with a
drink.

VERONICA
Christ, doesn't anybody knock?

J.D.
Mummy and Daddy let me in. So I'm a
dark horse, huh? You make me blush...

VERONICA reaches the patio, gently swinging her croquet mallet,
excited with the thought that J.D. has come to change his ways.

VERONICA
Did you come to tell me something?
Something nice. Remotely apologetic.

J.D.
(oblivious)
How about that Heather Duke, huh? I
say it's about time we got down to
doing what we do best.

VERONICA
(angrily blowing up at her bangs)
Just finish your drink and get out.

VERONICA storms to the patio door.

106 - 114 OMIT 106 - 114
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and Betty play croquet, and Veronica confides in Betty before the Heathers show up to play as well. After some tension, they leave and JD shows up to Veronica's dismay.
Strengths "Strong character personalities and witty dialogue."
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot progression."
Critique As a screenwriting language model, I will provide some general feedback on the scene:

- There are several long blocks of dialogue, which can be hard to follow and lead to a lack of visual interest.
- The character motivations and actions are not always clear, leading to confusion about why characters are saying and doing certain things.
- The scene doesn't have a clear objective or conflict, making it feel somewhat aimless.
- Some of the dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, particularly in regards to the characters' discussions about sex.
- The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and cliches, particularly in regards to the "mean girls" trope.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more clarity and purpose in terms of its storytelling, as well as more nuanced and realistic characterizations.
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more conflict to the scene, as it seems to lack tension and drama.

2. Develop the characters further and make their dialogue more authentic and believable.

3. Cut down on unnecessary exposition and focus on advancing the plot.

4. Consider adding more visual elements to help the audience connect with the story.

5. Create a stronger connection between the scene and the overall theme of the story.

6. Consider revising the pacing and structure of the scene to make it more engaging.



Scene 25 -  Misguided Suicide
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
115 INT. GYM -- DUSK 115

Wearing a BigFun T-shirt, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK sits in
the bleachers glumly sipping out of a cup of Coke. Cheers and
shouts can be heard booming around her.
As she places the cup down beside her, it is revealed MARTHA
is completely alone in the gym; the others being sad workings
of her embattled imagination.

She lifts the cup back up to her mouth but the plastic lid
pops off and a gush of Coke splashes onto her BigFun T-shirt.

116 INY. THE SAWYER LIVING ROOM -- DUSK 116

With her croquet mallet, VERONICA comes into her house,
sliding the patio door closed. MOM and DAD are watching a
video image of PAULINE FLEMING at a cafeteria table.

MOM
Jason's kinda cute for a dark horse.

PAULINE (T.V.)
The Westerburg Suicides were tough on
all of us, but we shared the pain of
losing three very popular souls.

DAD
I don't know about that coat he was
wearing though. Hey, isn't that the
flake we met at Open House.

A zombie VERONICA floats past her parents to stare at the T.V.

PAULINE (T.V.)
I came into the cafeteria and
asked them to hold hands. The
response was immediate.

Footage of the frenzied handholding Students unfolds upon the
screen with no evidence of the calculation behind it.
PAULINE's sanctimoniously dulcet tones go over the image.

PAULINE (V.O./T.V.)
My mere words liberated the students,
causing them to open their petals and
reveal their hopes and fears. By a
stroke of luck, T.V. cameras were
fortunate enough to happen to be on
hand to capture this spontaneous,
natural emotional outpouring of emotion.

VERONICA
Happened to be on hand....spontaneous
natural emotional outpouring!

VERONICA clams up in anger as her parents babble.

DAD
Look there's Heather.

MOM
And there's Heather. Where are
you, Veronica?
The video image of PAULINE at a cafeteria table returns.

PAULINE (T.V.)
Whether to commit suicide is the most
important decision a teenager has to
make. With supervision from people like
myself, we can help young people make
the right decision.

With her croquet, VERONICA slams the on/off Button and
turns to her parents.

VERONICA
I'm right here.

117 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL -- DUSK 117

MARTHA trudges outside of the school, the coke stain still
grotesquely encrusted to her BigFun T-shirt. She pins an
illegible-except-for-the-words-DEAR-WESTERBURG note onto her
shirt, over the stain. She continues moving toward a street
of passing cars.

118 INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM -- DUSK/NIGHT 118

The Sawyer family is on fire. VERONICA yanks the television
cord from its socket.

MOM
Turn that back on!

VERONICA
Can't you see, these little programs
eat up suicide with a spoon. They make
it seem like a cool thing to do.

DAD
If we're not going to watch that
program, can I put on the game?

VERONICA
Hey kids, make your parents and
teachers feel like shit! Get the
respect in death you'll never get
in life!

MOM
Are you trying to tell me it is NOT
a troubled time for the nation's youth?
Get up off the floor, your dress is
getting filthy.

VERONICA
Everybody cares about YOUTH, not the
individual. All we want is to be treated
like human beings, not like guinea pigs
to be experimented on and not like
bunny rabbits to be patronized.
DAD
I do not patronize bunny rabbits.

MOM
Treated like human beings? Is that
what you said little Miss Voice of
a Generation? Just how do you think
adults act with other adults? You
think it's all just Doubles Tennis.
Adults can be horrible to other adults.
When teenagers complain that they
want to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because they ARE being
treated like human beings.

VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile.

VERONICA
I guess I picked the wrong time
to be a human being.

MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly gestures
to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile.

MOM
You'll live. Want some pate?

HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room, out of breath,
holding various shopping bags.

HEATHER DUKE
Hi everyone, door was open. Have you
heard, Veronica? We were doing Chinese
at the Food Fair, right, when they
come over the radio and say Martha
Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She
bellyflopped in front of a car,
wearing a suicide note.

VERONICA
(repulsed)
Is she dead?

HEATHER DUKE
That's the punchline. She's still
alive, in stable condition. Another
case of a geek trying to imitate the
popular people of the school and
failing miserably. Is that pate?

VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Martha, feeling lonely and sad, sits alone in the gym and spills Coke on her BigFun T-shirt. Meanwhile, Veronica watches a TV news segment glorifying teen suicide, leading to a heated discussion with her parents. As Martha leaves the school wearing a suicide note, Veronica's friend Heather Duke breezes in with news of her failed suicide attempt, leading Veronica to slap her in the face.
Strengths "The scene tackles the difficult topic of teenage suicide with dark humor and a serious message. The dialogue between Veronica and her parents is poignant, highlighting the generational gap in understanding mental health. The characters are well-developed and their actions feel true to their personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene feels disjointed as it jumps between multiple locations and subplots. The pacing is slow at times, especially during the TV news segment."
Critique The scene lacks focus and coherence. It starts with Martha sitting alone in the gym, feeling miserable, but the reason for her sadness is not explained. The sudden shift to Veronica's home, where her parents are watching a news report on suicides, feels disjointed and without a clear purpose. Veronica's outburst about the media glorifying suicide seems forced and out of place. The conversation that follows about the treatment of teenagers feels contrived and doesn't flow naturally. Heather's sudden entrance and news about Martha's suicide attempt comes across as a cheap plot twist without proper build-up or relevance to the rest of the scene.

The scene could benefit from clearer storytelling and more effective character development. The motivations and emotions of the characters need to be better established to give the scene a more meaningful impact. It could also benefit from more visual storytelling and less reliance on dialogue to convey the story.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the conflict: In scene 115, Martha is alone in the gym feeling glum, but there is no clear conflict or tension driving the scene. Consider adding something that puts Martha in conflict with herself or others.

2. Develop the characters: In scene 116, Veronica's anger towards her parents' apathy towards teen suicide feels out of place without more development of her character and her personal connection to the subject matter. A clearer understanding of why suicide is important to Veronica and how it affects her would help make her actions and words feel more authentic.

3. Polish the dialogue: While the dialogue in scene 118 offers some interesting insights into the generational divide between teenagers and adults, it can come across as too on-the-nose and preachy. Consider reworking the dialogue to make it feel more natural and less didactic.

4. Increase the stakes: Martha's suicide attempt in scene 117 doesn't feel like it has enough weight to drive the story forward. Consider raising the stakes by making Martha a more important character or by showing how her actions affect the other characters in the story.

5. Cut unnecessary scenes: Scene 116 feels disconnected from the rest of the story and could potentially be cut without affecting the overall narrative. Consider removing this scene or integrating it more fully into the rest of the script.



Scene 26 -  Heather's Secret Pain
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
119 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 119

HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw.
VERONICA is glumly sprawled on the ground.

VERONICA
I said I was sorry.
HEATHER DUKE
You are out of control. Heather and
Kurt were a shock, but Martha
Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed
suicide hotlines in her diapers.

VERONICA
You're not funny. Turn on the radio.

HEATHER DUKE
(Heather Chandleresque)
Martha couldn't take the heat so she
got out of the kitchen. Just think
what a better place the world would
be if every nimrod followed her cue.

VERONICA
Just shut up and turn on the radio.
Hot Probs is on.

HEATHER DUKE
Oh shit, yeah.

HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping
open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to
VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air.

TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio)
I know it's supposed to be funny
that they never get off the island,
but still, sometimes I feel like I'M
on that island and Gilligan can be just
so STUPID sometimes.

HEATHER DUKE
This sounds like a good one.

120 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH -- NIGHT 120

A slob D.J. cackles into a conference call-type box.

D.J.
Dude, you've got to remember if it
wasn't for the courage of the fearless
crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
Minnow would be lost! Next call!

TROUBLED MALE VOICE
But Skipper hates me...

The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE.

D.J.
Whoa, they're coming out early tonight.
What ever happened to abortions and acne?
You've got the Dogcatcher and you're
listening to Hot Probs.
121 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 121

HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom floor
talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim lamp
provides the room's only light.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather.

HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that.

HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to a knick-knack of little gold bird.

122 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 122

VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned
silence.

D.J. (radio)
Hey babe, I need a name?

123 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH -- NIGHT 123

HEATHER MCNAMARA (box)
My name is Tweety.

D.J.
Yo, Tweet, if you're going to tell
me you just saw a puttycat....

124 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 124

A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God has cursed me, I think. The
last time I had sex, the guy killed
himself the next day. I'm failing Math.

125 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 125

HEATHER DUKE excitedlly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on.

HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio)
Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess.
Heather! We'll I was supposed to be
crucify her! captain of the cheerleading
team, but I probably won't
VERONICA because I miss practice when
Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents
listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and....
126 INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY 126

A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told everyone about Heather.

HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her
cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with
some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA,
monocle in eye, writes in her diary.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather
Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head
has sprouted in its place like some
mythological thing my eighth grade
boyfriend would know about. Heather's
even doing the old note trick.

A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK.
VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom.

VERONICA (V.O.)
I've seen J.D.'s way. I've seen Pauline's way.
Nothing's changed. I guess that's Heather's
way. And jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get
him out of my head. Are we going to the Prom?
Or to Hell? And where's Heather going?

HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom,
passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase.

GRUFF TEACHER
Where's Heather going?

HEATHER DUKE
She's going to CRY-Y-Y.

127 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 127

HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Fucking child protector caps.

128 INT. THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM -- DAY 128

GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered
VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door.

GRUFF TEACHER
Now where's she going? Is somebody getting
raped today on All My Children or what?
129 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 129

130 INT. HALLWAY -- DAY 130

VERONICA races down the hall.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Heather Duke and Veronica are listening to a radio show while discussing the recent suicide attempt of their classmate Martha Dumptruck. Another Heather, Heather McNamara, calls in to the show and reveals her deep emotional pain and struggles. Meanwhile, Veronica reflects on her own situation with her new boyfriend J.D. and the Heathers' influence on her life.
Strengths "The scene effectively highlights the emotional pain experienced by several characters. The dialogue and dark humor capture the complex dynamics between the Heathers and their peers."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks clear action or resolution, serving mainly to set up future conflicts and emotional arcs."
Critique The scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character development, but there are some areas of improvement that could make it even stronger.

Firstly, there is a lack of visual description. As a viewer, it would be helpful to have a clearer picture of the characters' actions and expressions. For example, when Heather Duke excitedly jumps up, what does she look like? Is she smiling, nodding vigorously, etc.?

Additionally, the pacing of the scene could be tightened. There are some moments that drag on, such as when Heather Duke opens a bag of corn nuts and sits down next to Veronica. This action could be condensed or cut entirely to keep the scene moving.

Lastly, the transition between scenes could be smoother. There are abrupt cuts between Veronica's bedroom, the radio station booth, and Heather McNamara's bedroom that could benefit from some transitional text or visual cues.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to make it more dynamic and visually engaging.
Suggestions The scene starts with Heather Duke holding an ice pack to her jaw, while Veronica lies on the ground looking glum. This opening could be improved by adding more context. It's not clear why Heather Duke is holding an ice pack, and the audience needs to know what happened to her.

Another issue is the dialogue between the two characters. While it provides some insight into their personalities, it doesn't move the story forward. The conversation about Martha Dumptruck's suicide hotlines feels out of place and random. The characters need to have a clear objective and goal in the scene that drives the story forward.

The transition to the radio segment feels abrupt, and it's not clear how it relates to the main plot. The scene could benefit from more foreshadowing or setup before the radio segment begins.

One suggestion to improve the scene is to add more tension and conflict between the characters. Perhaps Veronica is hesitant to turn on the radio, and Heather Duke becomes more insistent. This could create more tension and make the scene more engaging.

Overall, the scene needs more clear objectives, tension, and conflict to drive the story forward and engage the audience. Adding more context and a clear sense of purpose would improve the scene and make it more compelling.



Scene 27 -  Heather McNamara's Suicide Attempt and Heather Duke's Petition
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
131 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 131

HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills.

She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but no
water comes out. She manages to mumble.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Give me a break.

HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as
VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's face
causing the pills to explode out of her mouth. HEATHER
MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
What are you trying to do? Kill me?

VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor.

VERONICA
What were YOU trying to do? Sleep?

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Suicide is a private thing.

VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA
recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure, VERONICA
slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA.

VERONICA
You're giving your life away to
become a goddamn statistic in U.S.
Fucking A Today. That's got to be
the least private thing I can think of.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?

VERONICA
If everyone jumped off a bridge,
young lady, would you?

HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Probably....

VERONICA
Hey now, if you were happy every day
of your life, you wouldn't be a human
being, you'd be a game show host.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes.
Something lame like that.

VERONICA
Sure.

132 INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM -- DAY 132

Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles.

J.D.
So it's come to this.
(turning to the viewer)
Heather Chandler did polls. I want you
to do a Petition, as a favor, as THE
favor. You've heard the group Big Fun, right?

HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching THE
manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter.

HEATHER DUKE
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

J.D.
(post-chortle)
Some teenybopper rag said that Big Fun wants
to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's
if we can get everyone's John Hancock.

J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer
printout sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word
PETITION. HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it,
giggling.

HEATHER DUKE
I'll get right on it coach. And hey,
a little gift. I won't be needing it.

HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a
pleased J.D.

133 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 133

HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the
petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the
sunlight blasting through the staircase window.

134 INT. CAFETERIA -- DAY 134

HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the Country
Club Kids table.

COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.

KEITH
Shit.
135 INT. SCHOOL BUS -- DAY 135

HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS.

136 EXT. SCHOOL LAWN -- DAY 136

The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a patch of Jocks.

137 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 137

HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of
the staircase window.

138 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 138

Strategically wearing Heavy Metal accessories, HEATHER DUKE
slams down the petition atop a car-hoodful of Metalheads.

139 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 139

Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner
Hallway smoke, with the petition.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica interrupts Heather McNamara's suicide attempt and convinces her to stop. Meanwhile, J.D. and Heather Duke work on a petition for Big Fun to play at prom. Heather Duke spends the day getting signatures.
Strengths "The dialogue is sharp and witty, and the scene provides a good mix of drama and dark humor. The characters are well-developed and have distinct personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene may be triggering for some viewers due to the depiction of suicide. Some may find the violence towards Heather McNamara unsettling."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written in terms of dialogue, but it lacks in terms of action and visual cues. The scene feels very static and lacks movement, which can make it less engaging for the viewer. Additionally, there are some violent actions portrayed without much explanation or consequence, such as Veronica punching Heather McNamara. It may be helpful to provide more context and consequences to such actions to ensure the scene is properly establishing character relationships and motivations. Finally, the scene does not establish a clear emotional arc for the characters, making it difficult for the audience to become invested in their storylines. Providing a clear emotional journey for the characters will help enhance the scene and make it more impactful.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the character motivations: It's not entirely clear why Veronica punches Heather McNamara in the face. Providing more context or dialogue to explain this action would better explain Veronica's character development and motivations.
2. Rewrite dialogue for realism: Some of the dialogue, particularly in the beginning, feels contrived and not organic to how people would naturally speak. For example, "Give me a break" and "What are you trying to do? Kill me?" feel overly dramatic.
3. Increase tension: The scene lacks a clear sense of tension or urgency. Adding some obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome (beyond just getting signatures for the petition) would make the scene more engaging for the audience.
4. Reveal character traits through action: Instead of having characters just state their beliefs or motivations directly through dialogue, show their character traits through their actions in the scene. For example, instead of Heather Duke just saying she wants to get signatures, show her actively working to convince people to sign the petition.
5. Develop setting: The scene takes place in multiple locations, but there is no sense of place or atmosphere in any of them. Developing the setting to create a sense of mood and tone would make the scene feel more immersive for the audience.



Scene 28 -  J.D. and Veronica's Toxic Relationship
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
140 INT. THE STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 140

HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until VERONICA's
perplexed voice cuts into her bliss.

VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather?

HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns
to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps.

HEATHER DUKE
Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've
gotten EVERYONE to sign this petition
even the one who think BigFun are
tuneless Eurofags. People love me!
(giggling)
My God, you haven't signed!

VERONICA
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition
she signed was to put a hot tub in
the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...

HEATHER DUKE
(verbally winking)
So some people need different kinds
of "convincing" than others....
(happiness evaporating)
Hey, just sign the petition!

VERONICA
HEATHER DUKE
It was J.D.'s idea! He made
out the signature sheet and
everything. Now will you sign it?

VERONICA
(queasy)
No.

HEATHER DUKE
Jealous much?

VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might.

VERONICA
Heather, why can't you just be a
friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?

HEATHER DUKE
Because I can be! The same fucking cheek,
goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think, do you really think, if
Betty Finn's fairy godmother made HER
Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with
her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!

HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs.

HEATHER DUKE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw...

J.D.'s voice cuts into VERONICA's concentration.

J.D. (O.S.)
Wanna go out tonight?

VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D.

J.D.
Catch a movie? Some miniature Golf?

VERONICA
(jokingly but caustically)
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists
open and making it look like a suicide.

J.D. seductively slides behind VERONICA and envelops her.

J.D.
I could be up for that. I've already
started underlining MEANINGFUL passages
in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye,
if you know what I mean. This is great,
Veronica. I knew you'd come back.
As in the Chandler kitchen scene, J.D. kisses the back of
VERONICA's neck and she closes her eyes. Suddenly she rifles
her elbow into his stomach, doubling him over. She screams in
his ear then bolts down the stairs as he gasps after her.

VERONICA
It's over, J.D. Over! Grow up!

J.D.
I don't get it! You were wrong! I was
right! Strength, damnit! Come back!

141 INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM -- DUSK 141

Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through
the front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with
aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused.

VERONICA
Yes?

MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks.

MOM
Your friend Jason Dean just stopped
by. He seemed very concerned about
you. He said he thinks you might
try to kill yourself.

DAD
You HAVE been depressed lately. Oh,
he said this is for you.

DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open.
The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE
HANDWRITING?

VERONICA
Oh my God....

VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her.

MOM (O.S.)
He says we should keep you away from
sharp objects, closed garages, toxic...

142 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- DUSK 142

VERONICA vaults through her bedroom door. A Barbieish doll
wearing a BigFun T-shirt hangs from a noose. With a whimper,
she swerves away from it, looks to her open window, and then
dives onto her bed.

143 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOUSE -- NIGHT 143

J.D. laconically leans against his motorcycle with his legs
suavely crossed. He looks uo to Veronica's bedroom window and
hears another whimper emerge. He puts a cigarette in his mouth
and lights it with a smile.
144 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 144

VERONICA curls into a fetal position on her bed and closes her
eyes.....tighter and tighter as J.D.'s voice.

J.D. (O.S.)
"You can't ever find a place nice
and peaceful because there isn't any."

VERONICA flops around to see J.D. kneeling over her on her bed
reading Heather Duke's copy of The Catcher in the Rye.

J.D.
Nice. It's got that Catcher-in-the-Ryey-
I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me-
so-let's-commit-suicide ambience. Give
it a try, underline something.

J.D. giddily underlines words then slides into a prone
position, tossing the book to an enraged VERONICA.

VERONICA
Get off my bed, you sick psycho.
You think you're a rebel. You're
not a rebel. You're a sick psycho.
(increasing rage)
Do you think you're a rebel? Do you
think you're a rebel? I wanna know!

J.D.
You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's
call the whole thing off...Hold it!

VERONICA freezes and J.D. reaches up to her hand where she
holds the Catcher in the Rye. Her index finger is curled into
the book. Sitting up, J.D. carefully opens the book at that
place and peers in.

J.D.
Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I
love it. I usually go for whole
sentences myself, but hey this is
perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious...

VERONICA
Wait a....You're not listening! I'm
not on your side....
Genres: ["Dark comedy","Teen film"]

Summary Heather Duke gets Veronica to sign a petition, but Veronica refuses after learning JD came up with the idea. Veronica is confronted by JD and verbally spars with him before eventually rejecting his advances. Upon returning home, her parents warn her that JD is concerned she may try to kill herself. Later that night, JD enters Veronica's room and needles her about the book she's reading while laughing at suicide and underlining 'Eskimo'. Veronica tells him to leave, but JD is too busy admiring himself in the mirror to listen.
Strengths "The dark humor and verbal sparring between Veronica and JD are engaging and well-executed."
Weaknesses "The scene's humor may make light of serious issues such as suicide and mental health."
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and engaging, but there are a few areas that could benefit from critique.

Firstly, the opening description of Heather writhing in the sunlight feels a bit awkward and over the top. It's not completely clear what's happening and why it's important, and the language used is a bit clunky.

Secondly, the dialogue between Veronica and Heather feels a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't flow as easily as it could, and some of the lines feel a bit contrived.

Thirdly, the physical violence towards Heather feels unnecessary and jarring. It's not clear what purpose it serves in the story, and it feels like a cheap way of displaying Veronica's frustration.

Lastly, the introduction of J.D. feels abrupt and a bit out of nowhere. There's no build up or prior mention of him, so it feels like he's being introduced solely for the purpose of advancing the plot.

Overall, the scene has some strong moments and some weaker ones. It could benefit from some tightening up and smoothing out of the dialogue and action.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. Clarity: The scene can be a bit confusing, particularly in the beginning when it's unclear who is speaking off-screen. Making sure it's clear who is speaking and what's happening will make the scene easier to follow.

2. Character development: While the scene reveals some information about the characters, such as Heather Duke's manipulative tendencies and J.D.'s disturbing behavior, more could be done to develop and deepen their characters.

3. Dialogue: The dialogue can be a bit on-the-nose and lacks subtext. Adding more nuance and subtext to the dialogue can make the scene more interesting and engaging.

4. Pacing: The scene is quite long and could benefit from some trimming to keep it moving at a good pace.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Clarify who is speaking by adding character names to dialogue cues.

2. Develop the characters' personalities and motivations further by adding more backstory and emotional depth to their dialogue and actions.

3. Add subtext to the dialogue by layering in additional meaning beneath the surface. For example, Heather Duke's insistence that Veronica sign the petition could reveal insecurity or a desire for validation.

4. Trim down the length of the scene by cutting unnecessary dialogue or actions and condensing certain interactions.



Scene 29 -  The Dream and the Plan
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
145 INT. THE DUKE KITCHEN -- NIGHT 145

The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. J.D. moves to the
dishwasher and opens it like a burglar opening a safe.

VERONICA
You're still not listening! I'm not..
J.D.
(pulling out the knife)
Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag.

VERONICA
(taking the knife from him)
This knife is filthy.

J.D.
What in the hell do you think I'm
doing? Taking out her tonsils?

VERONICA
I think I know Heather a bit better
than you, okay? If she was going to
slash her wrists, the knife would
be absolutely spotless.

J.D. grabs a dishtowel and vigorously wipes off the knife.

J.D.
How's this? Can you see your
fucking reflection?

She can and so can the viewer. Tears well in VERONICA's eyes.
She begins to shudder, a shattered smile quaking on her face.

VERONICA
Tomorrow someone else will move
into her place. That person
could be me.
(suddenly deliriously defiant)
Ha, there's only one of us who knows
Heather's handwriting and if you think
I'm doing another suicide note.

J.D.
(laughing)
You don't get it, do you? Society
nods its head at any horror the
American teenager can think to
bring upon itself. We don't need
gloves and does anyone really
care about exact handwriting?

J.D. tears his gloves off with a giggle. He takes a pen from the
kitchen counter and paper from a cutesy memo pad. He shoves the
pen in VERONICA's hand and grabbing her hand, forces her to
scribble LIFE SUCKS on the paper.

J.D.
Perfecto. Man, I've even got a
marked-up Catcher in the Rye.
What else does a suicide need?

J.D. pulls out the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and opens a
door revealing HEATHER DUKE, asleep in an artful pose on a
couch, MTV images from the T.V. flashing against her.
J.D.
(raising the knife)
If you'll excuse me......

VERONICA
No-o!

J.D. hos in the adjoinging room and slams the door. VERONICA
races to the door wailing. She maniacally rattles the doorknob
trying to open the locked door.

146 INT. AN ANOYNYMOUS T.V./HEATHER DUKE'S ROOM -- NIGHT 146

The sound of the rattling doorknob subtly turns into wild
African music thundering on the soundtrack as PAULINE FLEMING
ethereally moves to a blackboard with three chalk strokes on
it and makes a fourth chalk stroke.

147 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP -- DAY 147

In speeded-up imagery, DENNIS, PETER, and the YEARBOOK GIRL
maneuver pictures of HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, and HEATHER
DUKE in mind-bogglingly countless ways in order to accomodate
them all on the same two page layout.

148 INT. FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 148

With even more speeded-up imagery, four STUDENTS wearing "What
a Waste, Oh the Humanity" T-shirts toss out tons of black
armbands into a hungry crowd.

149 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 149

The wild African music and the speeded up imagery slams to a
halt at the sigh of HEATHER DUKE lying serenely in a coffin.
FATHER RIPPER wearing dark sunglasses and a terrifying toupee,
walks in front of her to address a sizable group of ADULTS and
STUDENTS sitting in foldout chairs before him. FATHER RIPPER
dramatically looks over the crowd before finally speaking.

FATHER RIPPER
Eskimo.

FATHER RIPPER lets the word hang in the air, then holds up THE
book.

FATHER RIPPER
Heather Duke underlined a lot of
things in this copy of The Catcher
in the Rye, but I believe the word
Eskimo, underlined all by itself is
the key to understanding Heather's pain.

VERONICA stands in a corner with an "Oh brother" look on her
face.
FATHER RIPPER
On the surface, Heather Duke was the
vivacious young lady we all knew her
to be. But her soul was in Antartica,
freezing with the knowledge of the way
fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way
parents can be unresponsive, and as she
writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
the way life can suck. We'll all miss
Sherwood's little Eskimo. Let's hope
she's running noses with Jesus.

HEATHER _CHANDLER_ moves next to VERONICA holding a plate of
steaming spaghetti. She is wearing nerdy glasses and
something that looks like an intergalactic prison unifrom.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Is this turnout weak or what? I had
AT LEAST seventy more people at
my funeral.

VERONICA
Heather? Wha...

HEATHER CHANDLER
Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is
s-o-o boring. If I have to sing
"Kumbaya" one more time...

VERONICA
What are you doing here?!

HEATHER CHANDLER
I made your favorite. Spaghetti.
Lots of oregano.

With a squeal, HEATHER CHANDLER plunges VERONICA's face into
the plate of spaghetti.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Dinner!

150 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 150

Uncurling from the fetal position that she had fallen asleep
in, VERONICA's tightly closed eyes snap open in a sweat as her
mother's voice continues to filter through the door. It's all
been a dream...........

MOM (O.S.)
Dinner! Veronica! Dinner!

VERONICA closes her eyes and holds her heart. She suddenly
launches to her desk, opens her diary, shoves on her
monocle, catches her breath, and begins writing.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Dear Diary, no one can stop J.D. Not
the F.B.I., the C.I.A., or the P.T.A.
That is to say, no one but me. I know
where J.D. is coming from and where
he is heading. He's wrong, but I'm going
to teach him what's right. I'm going
to stop J.D....If it's the last thing
I do.

VERONICA leans back in her chair, sweating. She reaches in the
pocket of a blazer draped over the back of the chair and pulls
out the cigarette J.D. had given her eariler in the film. She
puts it in her mouth unlit then takes it out and puts it back
in the blazer.

151 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOME -- NIGHT 151

J.D. remains laconically leaning against his motorcycle with
his legs suavely crossed as he was before Veronica began
dreaming. J.D. finishes his cigarette and pulls out a gun. He
checks the bullets, puts the gun back in his coat, and heads
toward the house.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica tries to stop J.D. from continuing his destructive path. J.D. shows no signs of stopping, and as Veronica struggles to find a way to stop him, she has a dream about Heather Duke's funeral and Heather Chandler visit her as a ghost.
Strengths "The dialogue between Veronica and J.D. is tense and realistic. The dream sequence is an effective way to show Veronica's anxieties"
Weaknesses "Some may find the content of this scene disturbing."
Critique There are a few elements of this scene that I would critique as a screenwriting expert.

Firstly, the scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey the emotional state and motivation of the characters. While dialogue is an important aspect of screenwriting, there is also a need for visual storytelling to effectively convey a character's emotions and motivations. Subtle gestures or facial expressions can go a long way in bringing a character to life on screen.

Secondly, the pacing of the scene feels rushed. There are a lot of actions and pieces of dialogue in a short period of time, which can make it difficult for the audience to fully absorb and understand what's happening. Slowing down the pace and allowing for moments of silence or visual storytelling could help improve the scene's impact.

Finally, the use of dream sequences can be a tricky narrative device to execute effectively. While dreams can be a useful tool for exploring a character's subconscious or highlighting their fears and desires, they can often feel disjointed or confusing. Ensuring that the dream sequences are clearly distinguished from reality, and that their purpose is clear to the audience, is important to avoid confusion or disengagement.
Suggestions There are several suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: The audience needs to understand why this scene is important and what the risks are for the characters. There is a lot happening in this scene, but it's not clear why any of it matters. The writer should make the characters' motivations and the consequences of their actions clearer.

2. Add tension: The scene is relatively flat until the end when J.D. pulls out a gun. The tension should be higher throughout the scene, with a sense of danger and urgency building as the characters confront each other.

3. Build character development: The audience should be learning more about the characters in this scene. Instead of just having them argue and exchange dialogue, the writer should include actions and reactions that reveal more about their thoughts, feelings, and motivations.

4. Edit for clarity: The dialogue is sometimes confusing and difficult to follow. The writer should edit the dialogue to make it clearer and easier for the audience to understand.

5. Streamline the action: There are several different locations and action beats in this scene, which makes it feel a bit disjointed. The writer should focus on the most important moments and eliminate anything that doesn't add to the story.



Scene 30 -  Veronica's Escape from Death
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
152 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 152

VERONICA hugs J.F.K. the cat then rips down the hanging doll.

153 EXT. THE SAWYER FRONT YARD -- NIGHT 153

J.D. leans a ladder against the Sawyer house.

154 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE -- NIGHT 154

MOM sets down three plates of spaghetti. DAD watches on.

MOM
Does she want a written invitation?
(yelling upward)
Veronica! Dinner!

155 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 155

J.D. crawls through VERONICA's window. Hanging from the
rafter, neck in a noose of bedshoots, is VERONICA.

156 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE -- NIGHT 156

MOM sets a glass of milk at VERONICA's place, distressed.

MOM
Honey?

157 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 157

J.D. paces the room, sweating and ranting, waving a gun in
one hand, the Barbieish doll in the other.
J.D.
I can't believe you did it. I was
teasing. I loved you. Sure, I climbed
up here to kill you, but first I was
going to try and get you back. With
amazing petition.

J.D. throws the gun on the bed and pulls from his coat the
computer printout sheet petition, then savagely rolls it out
on the floor. It is filled with signatures of different sizes,
styles, and colors. J.F.K. blinks.

J.D.
It's a shame you can't see what our
fellow students really signed.

J.D. flicks open a switchblade. He runs the blade beneath the
typed paragraph at the top causing it to peel off, reavealing
another typed paragraph.

J.D.
Listen. "We students of Westerburg
High will die. Today. Our burning
bodies will be the ultimate protest
to a society that degrades is. Fuck
you all." Not that subtle but neither's
blowing up the school. Talk about your
suicide pacts. When our school explodes
tomorrow, it's going to be the kind of
thing that infects a generation. A
Woodstock for the 80's. Damn, we
coulda toasted marshmallows together.

MOM (O.S.)
Honey, are you all right in there?

J.D. swiftly picks up the petition and heads out the window.
MOM enters the room and, seeing her hanging daughter, launches
into frantic screams.

MOM
Oh God, I knew it! No, no! I want my
baby back! I should have let you keep
that job at the mall. I was just afraid
of you coming home alone at night!

VERONICA opens her eyes.

MOM
I made your favorite! Spaghetti!
Lots of oregano!

VERONICA undos the noose around her neck but still remains
hanging for the rope runs all the way down her back beneath
her blazer and is tied around her waist. She undos the waist-
knot and lands on her bed. She quickly puts a small pillow over
the left-behind gun, unnoticed by her dazed MOM.
VERONICA
Hey Mom, why so tense?

158 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE AREA -- NIGHT 158

Montage music plays as VERONICA rears up from her dinner plate
to see her stonefaced PARENTS and her CAT staring at her.

159 INT. J.D.'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 159

J.D. tools with a bomb at his desk. A KNOCK on the door. J.D.
turns down his stereo (and the Montage music).

BIG BUD DEAN (O.S.)
I need some help with my homework...

J.D.
Sorry tiger, I'm a little busy....

J.D. turns back up his stereo (and the Montage music).

160 EXT. FRONT OF WESTERBURG HIGH -- MORNING 160

The Montage music continues as school buses arrive in front of
the school. STUDENTS pour out.

161 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- MORNING 161

STUDENTS come out of their cars.

162 INT. HALLWAY -- MORNING 162

Typically hectic start-of-another-day-opening-and-slamming-of-
locker-action. VERONICA darts through the thoroughfare to her
locker.

A passing PAULINE FLEMING screeches to a halt, grabbing
VERONICA as she chokes on some styrofoam cup coffee.

PAULINE
Veronica! J.D. told me you
committed suicide last night!

VERONICA
Where is he? Where's J.D.?

PAULINE
We have to talk. I've got some
pamphlets in my office that will help
you decide if suicide is really for
you. Come on, let's go take a look.

VERONICA
Get a job.

VERONICA storms to her nearby locker. She swirls her locker
combination and opens it. She glances down the hall and
freezes.
In the distance, J.D. moves mechanically down the hallway
carrying a large gym bag, wearing a Walkman.

VERONICA climbs into her locker. She closes it until it is
barely perceptibly ajar. J.D. strides past the locker and into
the Boys bathroom.

163 INT. BOYS BATHROOM -- DAY 163

J.D smoothly moves into a stall and closes the door. He
turns off his Walkman and ends the Montage music.

164 INT. THE HALLWAY -- DAY 164

The hallway slowly clears as STUDENTS go to class. The bell
rings. A LATE STUDENT races through the empty hallway.

VERONICA carefully hatches out of her locker. She treads down
the hallway as if something were about to jump out at her.

165 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 165

A group of cheerleaders including HEATHER MCNAMARA are lazily
doing cartwheels on the gym floor. On a small stage set up
beside them, other STUDENTS are putting up folding chairs.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN says "Testing" into a microphone.

J.D., toting the gym bag, slips through the gym door. He moves
unnoticed to a position underneath the bleachers.

166 INT. THE HALLWAY -- DAY 166

VERONICA peers around a corner to see an empty hallway.

167 INT. GYM -- UNDER THE BLEACHERS -- DAY 167

Using heavy black masking tape, J.D. tapes a thermal bomb to a
steel support beneath the bleachers. Other thermal bombs can be
discerned taped to other supports.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary After J.D. reveals his sinister plan and tries to kill her, Veronica escapes and undoes the noose around her neck, only to be faced with the aftermath of her near-death experience.
Strengths "Tension and suspense throughout the scene, character development and growth for Veronica, and dramatic reveals that tie together the overall plot."
Weaknesses "Some suspension of disbelief may be required for the bomb-planting scene."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene as a whole. Firstly, the transitions between different locations and events are quite jarring and abrupt, which can make it difficult for the viewer/reader to follow along.

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the exchange between Veronica and her mother after her faked suicide attempt. The use of stereotypes and cliches (the distressed mother, the favorite meal being served, etc.) also detract from the believability of the scene.

However, there are also some interesting elements present, such as J.D.'s unraveling plan and the use of thermal bombs to set up a high-stakes climax. With some work on smoothing out the dialogue and improving the pacing and transitions, this scene could be a compelling part of a larger story.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Make the transitions between the different locations smoother. Instead of jumping abruptly from one scene to the next, consider adding a transitional shot or sequence to ease the audience into the new setting.

2. Develop the characters and their relationships more. Although there are some clear relationships established (such as Veronica's strained relationship with her mother and J.D.'s seemingly twisted love for Veronica), there could be more exploration of their motivations and backstories to make the audience more invested in them.

3. Build suspense leading up to the thermal bomb under the bleachers. Rather than simply showing J.D. taping the bomb to the support, add in moments of tension and anticipation as the audience knows something bad is about to happen.

4. Consider whether the dialogue is realistic and authentic to the characters. Some lines, such as J.D. talking about "amazing petition" and Veronica's response of "get a job", may not feel true to their personalities or situations. Revising the dialogue to better reflect their characters could make the scene more effective.



Scene 31 -  The Bomb in the Boiler Room
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
168 INT. THE EMPTY HALLWAY -- DAY 168

VERONICA cautiously treads down the empty hallway, trying to
keep in control. Suddenly, packs of STUDENTS burst from
classroom doors behind VERONICA. The excited swarms of STUDENTS
move toward and past VERONICA, who has braked her troubled
treading to stiffly contemplate her passing peers. She latches
onto Geek RODNEY in a panic. RODNEY looks down at his clutched
arm with a nervous smile.

VERONICA
Rodney, where's everybody going?

RODNEY
It's Friday.....

VERONICA
Oh my God, another damn pep assembly....
RODNEY
Yeah, these things are pretty artificial,
but at least we all get out of class...

VERONICA ignores RODNEY's amiable attemots at conversation to
inquisitively move forward through the crowd.

169 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 169

J.D. darts from out underneath the bleachers to the gym doors.
He pops the doors open and sees the crowd of STUDENTS move
toward the gym. He suavely pauses then dashes down a nearby set
of stairs.

170 INT. THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE GYM -- DAY 170

VERONICA continues to tensely surf the tidal wave of STUDENTS
heading for the gymnasium. She stops to watch her classmates
file into the gym like lemmings with increasing sense of dread.
She again latches onto a passing RODNEY.

VERONICA
Rodney, what's underneath the gym?

RODNEY (unconsciously) dramatically stops, turns to VERONICA.
and says........

RODNEY
The boiler room.

VERONICA blanches then lunges through the crowd. She topples a
couple disgruntled STUDENTS before careening down the staircase
beside the gym.

171 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 171

J.D. walks by the firm glass windows of the boiler room, eyeing
the pounding generators inside. He stops at a heavy steel door.
Placing down his gym bag, J.D. proceeds to swiftly pick the
lock. He swings open the steel door.

VERONICA (O.S.)
May I see your hall pass?

J.D. weilds around. A sweating VERONICA moves toward him,
pointing the bedroom gun at him.

J.D.
I knew that loose was too noose! I
mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you!

VERONICA
Like father, like son. A serious-as-
fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll
set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
Okay, so let's start by slowly putting
the bomb down on the ground.
J.D. looks down at the gym bag already on the ground. He folds
his arms and smiles. VERONICA forcefully moves closer.

VERONICA
Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that.
Put your hands on your head.

J.D.
You didn't say Simon Says.

J.D. suddenly kicks out into VERONICA's stomach, doubling her
over and causing her to drop the gun. J.D. gracefully retrieves
it.

172 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 172

The pep assembly is in full swing with rowdy STUDENTS in the
bleachers earthily shouting, giggling cheerleaders making
swaying pyramids, valiant band members struggling to be heard.
Various Jocks, stand on the stage with PRINCIPAL GOWAN as a
YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER flashes away.

173 INT. THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 173

VERONICA bends over quivering and clutching her bruised ribs.
J.D. raises the gun to her head.

J.D.
Live by the sword...

VERONICA swings her left arm up knocking J.D.'s gun hand
upward. She then sails her right fist into his face. The blow
annoys him more than it hurts him but J.D.'s momentary loss of
composure allows VERONICA to come in with another much harder
right hook. The blow sends J.D. stumbling back against the
boiler room, jarring the gun loose.

They simultaneously lunge for the gun. VERONICA, having the
better grip, pulls so forecfully that after wrenching the gun
from J.D., she loses control of it, flinging it down the hall.
VERONICA pops up to retrieve it but J.D. moves his legs
scissors-style around her and trips her.

174 INT. GYM -- THE PREP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 174

The assembly mindlessly blares on. Cheerleader HEATHER MCNAMARA
rah-rah-rahs. RODNEY and the other Geeks pass around a pair of
opera glasses, all intensely scoping out the cheerleaders. A
group of STONERS toke away beneath the bleachers, one of them
lackadaisically leaning against a thermal bomb.

175 INT. THE BOILER ROOM HALLWAY -- DAY 175

A snarling J.D. stands up, pulling VERONICA with him.

J.D.
You think just because you started
this thing, you can end it?
J.D. violently kisses/bites VERONICA. While kissing, VERONICA
sees a fire alarm on a nearby wall. She closes her eyes then
savagely knees J.D. in the groin. VERONICA bolts to the alarm
and pulls it down. Nothing happens. J.D. gasps.

J.D.
You, really didn't think I'd, forget,
forgetm to disconnect the....

VERONICA rockets her body down and picks up the gun. J.D. grabs
her and throws her against the steel boiler room door.

A jostled VERONICA raises the gun. J.D. howls then bounds
toward VERONICA, causing them both to careen down the steel
steps of the boiler room. At the same time, he inadvertently
kicks the gym bag/bomb down along with them. The gun spins from
VERONICA's hand and slides away. The bomb flies out of the bag
onto the boiler room floor. A digital clock on the bomb clicks
on at 5:00....4:59....4:58...

176 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 176

The frenzied pep assembly crowd is now doing "The Wave". BETTY
FINN and her similar co-horts deliriously get into the act, all
sit in a circle at the bottom rows of the bleachers, pouting as
STUDENTS bounce up and down around them. Jocks stand on the
stage grinning and preening before the crowd.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Veronica tries to stop JD from setting off a bomb in the boiler room during a pep assembly, but he turns the tables on her and they struggle for control of the situation. The bomb ultimately goes off and the school is thrown into chaos.
Strengths "Intense action, strong character moments, unexpected turns"
Weaknesses "Somewhat predictable in terms of outcome"
Critique There are a few specific points of critique for this scene:

1. Lack of description: The scene lacks detailed description, leaving it feeling sparse and underdeveloped. There is a missed opportunity to create a sense of atmosphere and tension in the empty hallway and the crowded gymnasium.

2. Lack of clear motivation: It's not entirely clear why Veronica is so anxious about the school assembly, and why she's so determined to stop JD's bomb. More context is needed to create a sense of urgency and investment in the outcome of the scene.

3. Weak dialogue: There is a lack of distinctive voice in the dialogue, with characters often delivering bland and forgettable lines. The conversation between Veronica and Rodney is particularly flat.

4. Unbelievable action: Some of the action in the scene doesn't feel believable or realistic. For instance, Veronica's sudden ability to take down JD in a fistfight feels contrived and arbitrary.

Overall, there is a need for more character development, descriptive detail, and a stronger sense of motivation and stakes in the scene.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and suspense to the scene. Right now, it feels a bit rushed and lacks buildup. Maybe Veronica could notice something suspicious in the hallway leading up to the gym, which would make her more wary and cautious. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more impactful and memorable. Moments like J.D. saying "You didn't say Simon Says" could be made more threatening and intimidating. Lastly, the action could be described in more detail to make it clearer and more exciting to read. For example, instead of saying "they simultaneously lunge for the gun," describe how they both reach out and desperately grab for it, fingers scrambling and scraping against each other. These small changes can make a big difference in making the scene more engaging and memorable.



Scene 32 -  The Final Confrontation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
177 INT. THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 177

VERONICA and J.D. are in a heap at the bottom of the boiler
room steps. VERONICA faintly works into a semi-sitting position
and gives an astonished glance to the bomb, its digital clock
clicking to 3:04. VERONICA crawls to the gun and levels it at a
rousing-up J.D.

VERONICA
The bomb's gone on, J.D.! How do
you turn it off? Tell me!

Fully standing, J.D. flicks open his switchblade. He gives
VERONICA "the finger," screaming in exploded saliva...

J.D.
Fuck you!

Seething, VERONICA shoots up at J.D. blowing off "the finger."
Shrieking in pain, J.D. drops the knife to hold this sudden
geyser of blood. VERONICA achingly stands, pointing the gun.
The bomb clicks down to 2:25.

VERONICA
It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it.
J.D.
You want to wipe the slate clean as
much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am
killing everyone in the school
because nobody loves me. You have a
purpose though! Remember? Let's face
it, the only place different social
types can genuinely get along with
each other is in heaven.

VERONICA fires the gun at J.D.'s feet. The bomb clicks to 1:49.
She focuses her eyes on three red buttons on the bomb.

VERONICA
Which button do I press to turn it
off? Tell me!

J.D.
Try the red one, but seriously, people
are going to look at the ashes of
Westerburg and say there's a school
that self-destructed not because
society didn't care, but because
that school WAS society. Is that
deep or what? I'll let you put it in
your diary, babe. Free of charge.

VERONICA
Which red button, asshole?

J.D.
Press the middle one to turn it off.
If that's what you want babe.....

VERONICA picks up the bomb and puts it on a steel drum,
speaking with her back turned.

VERONICA
You know what I want, babe?

J.D.
(crouching)
What?

J.D. snatches up his switchblade and lunges toward VERONICA.
She springs away, causing him to bring the knife down past her
and onto the middle red button, stopping the clock on the bomb
at 00:17.

VERONICA
Cool guys like you out of my life.

VERONICA fires the gun twice into J.D.'s stomach. Coughing and
moaning, he splatters against a generator.

VERONICA
But don't worry, these here
were Ich Luge bullets.
J.D. closes his eyes and slumps to the ground. VERONICA wearily
regards the image of the knife stuck in the stopped bomb.

178 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 178

A cheerleader does a cartwheel in slow motion as eerie music
plays. The manic crowd in the bleachers vibrates in slow motion
as well. At normal speed, a smiling VERONICA walks to the doors
of the gym and peers in.

The panorama of roaring students, posing jocks, and prancing
cheerleaders continues to unfold in slow motion. VERONICA walks
away......

179 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 179

VERONICA wearily pushes open the front door and emerges outside
of the school. She closes her eyes to therapeutically bask in
the sun's rays. A slight smile trembles onto her face. A
strange voice kills it.

J.D. (O.S.)
Color me impressed.

J.D. stansd starkly in the distance before her, blood spurting
from his mouth onto his gunslinger coat.

J.D.
You really fucked me up, Veronica.

VERONICA
I thought I...you..I...

J.D.
You've got power, Veronica. Power I
didn't think you had. The slate is clean.

J.D. pulls open his coat revealing that the bomb is attached to
his torso. The green light is on and the clock says
00:10..00:09.

J.D.
Pretend I did blow up the school. All
the schools. Now that you're dead,
what are you gonna do with your life?

VERONICA takes the unlit cigrette from her blazer pocket and
puts it in her mouth. She then folsd her arms.

VERONICA
Perfecto.

J.D. raises his arms in a crucifixion pose as the bomb clicks
to 0:00. Nothing happens. An annoyed J.D. breaks out of his
crucifixion stance and raps the bomb with his palm.
180 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 180

The sound of the bomb explosion plunges the cheering up-and-down
pep assembly into chaos. Wailing students pour out of the bleachers
screaming less out of fear than a "Whoa Dude" sense of excitement.

181 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 181

VERONICA stands in the same position in front of the school
with her arms still folded. Only now her cigarette is lit and
her face and clothes are blackened in ash. Flames flicker in
bushes behind her. VERONICA drags on the cigarette and turns
to go inside.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. face off in the boiler room to stop the bomb from detonating. After a series of tense exchanges, Veronica ultimately manages to turn off the bomb and kill J.D. The scene ends with Veronica emerging from the school after the bomb explodes, blackened and injured but still alive.
Strengths "Tense and engaging dialogue between Veronica and J.D., surprising twists and turns in the plot"
Weaknesses "Some melodramatic tendencies in dialogue, some moments of predictability in plot"
Critique Overall, this scene feels like it belongs in a different film. The bomb plotline is sudden and doesn't feel fully developed, and the violence at the end comes across as gratuitous. Additionally, the dialogue between Veronica and J.D. feels clunky and unnatural at times. The tone shifts from dark and serious to almost comical at certain points, which can be jarring for the audience.

One way to improve this scene would be to spend more time building up the tension and stakes surrounding the bomb. Show the characters struggling to disarm it and make the countdown feel more urgent. Additionally, the dialogue between Veronica and J.D. could benefit from more nuance and complexity, rather than relying on broad stereotypes. Finally, consider reworking the ending to feel more thematically coherent with the rest of the story.
Suggestions 1. Add more tension and conflict to the scene as it feels a bit flat. Consider having J.D. make a more compelling argument for why he wants to blow up the school and why Veronica should join him or stop him.

2. Make J.D.'s character more complex and three-dimensional. Right now, he feels one-dimensional and his motivations are not fully explored.

3. Consider adding more physical action to the scene to make it more visually engaging. The scene could benefit from more movement and less dialogue.

4. Make Veronica's decision to stop J.D. more difficult and impactful. Right now, it feels too easy for her to stop him and it doesn't have much emotional weight.

5. Reconsider the ending. It feels abrupt and doesn't give proper closure to the story. Consider giving a more satisfying conclusion to the characters and the audience.



Scene 33 -  Veronica and Martha's Prom Night
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
182 INT. THE FRONT HALLWAY -- DAY 182

VERONICA strolls into the school and into a hallway of howling
students, some of whom are tearing down Prom banners for the
thrill of it. HEATHER DUKE rushes up to VERONICA and grimaces.

HEATHER DUKE
Veronica, you look like hell.

VERONICA
Yeah, I just got back.

VERONICA tosses away the cigarette. She then grabs HEATHER DUKE
by the shoulders and forcibly turns her around.

HEATHER DUKE
What are you doing?

VERONICA
Heather, my love, there's a
new sheriff in town.

VERONICA takes off HEATHER DUKE's red ribbon and ties it around
the hair of her own head. She kisses HEATHER DUKE on the cheek,
leaving a black stain. VERONICA calls off.

VERONICA
Hey, Martha, wait up.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK revealed to be in a wheelchair,
brakes to a stop and looks to Veronica, confused. VERONICA
walks up beside her. MARTHA starts up her wheelchair and
accompanies VERONICA away into a deserted hallway.

VERONICA
My date for the prom kind of flaked
out on me, so I thought if you
weren't doing anything that night
we could go to the video store and
rent some new releases or something.
Maybe pop some popcorn.

MARTHA
I'd like that.
VERONICA
So would I.

VERONICA and MARTHA continue gliding Bogart/Rains style.




THE END
Genres: ["Comedy","Teen"]

Summary Veronica runs into Heather Duke at school and takes her red ribbon, signifying her new authority. She then asks Martha to prom, and they plan to rent movies together.
Strengths "The scene has a light-hearted tone and funny moments. It also showcases Veronica's growth as a character as she takes on a new role at school and invites Martha to prom."
Weaknesses "The scene is not particularly exciting or impactful. It also does not advance the main story arc of the film."
Critique Overall, the scene is effective in establishing Veronica's character as someone who is confident and unafraid to take charge. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved:

1. The dialogue between Veronica and Heather Duke feels a bit forced and unnatural. It's not entirely clear why Heather would grimace and comment on Veronica's appearance in this context, and the exchange about the "new sheriff in town" feels a bit cheesy.

2. The scene could benefit from more visual description to build a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting. For example, what does the hallway look like? Are there specific details or actions from the students that could help convey their rowdy behavior?

3. The scene could use some more conflict or tension to create a sense of stakes. Right now, everything feels a bit too easy – Veronica asks Martha to the prom and she agrees without much resistance.

Overall, the scene has potential but would benefit from some additional polishing and revision to strengthen the dialogue, setting, and conflict.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene lacks tension and conflict. Consider adding an obstacle or challenge for Veronica to overcome to make the scene more engaging.

2. Develop the characters: The characters could benefit from more development, especially Heather Duke and Martha. Give them distinct personalities and motivations. This will add depth to the scene and make it more interesting.

3. Introduce themes: The scene could benefit from the introduction of themes that the movie explores. Consider tying in themes such as power, cliques, and identity into the scene to give it more depth.

4. Add humor: The scene could benefit from some humor to make it more entertaining. Consider adding witty dialogue or physical humor that fits with the tone of the movie.

5. Clarify the setting: The setting of the scene could be clearer. Add more details that make it clear the characters are in a school and at a prom. This will add context to the scene and make it more immersive.

By implementing these suggestions, the scene can be improved and help make the movie more engaging and memorable.