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Scene 1 -  Stalked by a Driver in Suburbia
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
GET OUT



Written by


Jordan Peele
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,
to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and
acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be
conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of
your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will
of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

-Romans 12:1-2


EXT. SUBURBAN - NIGHT

ANDRE, 29, an African-American man walks down the sidewalk
talking on his phone.

ANDRE
Hey. I’m trying to figure out what
kind of sick individual would name
a street Evergreen Way a half a
mile from and “Evergreen Lane.”

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Oh shit. You’re at Evergreen Lane?

ANDRE
Took me long enough to figure that
shit out too. Now I’m walking
through creepy confusing-ass
suburbs.

They laugh

ANDRE (CONT’D)
I’m serious though. I’m out here
like a sore thumb and shit.

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
Stay put; we’ll come get you.

ANDRE
No, I’m like 10 minutes away now.
I’m good. I need a drink, but I’m
good.

CRYSTAL
Okay. Sorry baby. I’ll make it up
to you.

ANDRE
I’m gonna hold you to that, too.
See you in a minute.

Andre hangs up.
2.


Andre stops. He looks down the street behind him. It’s dark
and empty. Andre looks up the street in front of him; A
vintage creme-colored Porsche with tinted windows and a roof
passes him.

A dog barks.

The car does a u-turn behind him. It now CREEPS up on the
street behind Andre. It’s following him.


INT. SPORTS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Drivers’s POV watching Andre. His BREATH ECHOES deep and
tinny as if were into a coffee can. Through the car’s system
we hear the song “Run Rabbit Run.”


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS

Andre, feeling followed, stops and turns. The car stops. He
waves at the unseen DRIVER obscured by reflection of the
streetlight on the windshield. There is no response. The
ENGINE PURRS. The song “Run Rabbit Run” is playing from
inside.

Andre peers through the windshield but can’t see through the
reflection of the street lamp.

Nothing. Sketchy. Andre resumes walking; the car follows
suit...

ANDRE
(under his breath)
This is some shit right here...

After a beat of walking.

ANDRE (CONT’D)
Nope.

Andre turns around and begins walking in the other direction.

ANDRE (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Yo.


INT. SPORTS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Driver’s POV. Andre walks.
3.




EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS

Andre hears the song “Run Rabbit Run” more clearly now. Andre
turns back to the car it’s sitting in the street where he
left it. He walks into the street and peers to get a better
angle. The driver’s side car door is open.

ANDRE
What the fuck?

Andre turns back to the curb and the DRIVER, in a black
knight’s helmet, steps towards him and quickly wraps him up
in a rear naked choke hold. Andre struggles but soon passes
out. The phone drops to the floor. HE is dragged to the trunk
of the car.


The driver plops Andre in the padded trunk. He gets in his
car and drives off.


TITLE CARD:



“Get Out”
4.


EXT. CITY- DAWN

The sun rises over the city. Autumn. Beautiful.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

We move slowly through the small but clean apartment. The
walls are decorated with striking urban photography. A SHOWER
RUNS.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - BATHROOM - MORNING

CHRIS WASHINGTON, 24, a handsome African-American man shuts
the medicine cabinet. He’s shirtless and naturally athletic.
He scrutinizes his reflection with a touch of vanity.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - BATHROOM - MORNING

Chris spreads shaving cream onto his face and shaves. He
postures a little then nicks himself on the neck. He smirks;
deserved that.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Chris, clothed, looks out his window through a professional
camera. He flips through some striking urban images on the
digital display much like the ones framed around his
apartment. He is a very talented photographer.

Sid, a small dog, watches him. The BUZZER RINGS.


INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ELEVATOR

Rose rides in the elevator. The doors open.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Andre, an African-American man, is walking in a suburban neighborhood when he is followed and kidnapped by a mysterious driver. Chris, another African-American man, is living in a city and is a talented photographer. He is getting ready for the day when his girlfriend Rose visits him.
Strengths "The ominous atmosphere is well-established and maintained through the use of music, visuals, and dialogue. The characters are distinct and memorable. The conflict is palpable."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit cliched and predictable. The plot, while intriguing, takes a while to fully reveal itself."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I am not an expert and do not have the ability to critique screenplays. However, I can provide some general observations on this scene.

The scene effectively sets up the tension and suspense for the audience. The dialogue exchanges between Andre and Crystal are natural and provide a sense of normalcy before the sudden shift in tone when Andre feels like he is being followed. The use of the song "Run Rabbit Run" and the driver in a black knight's helmet adds to the unsettling atmosphere. The scene ends on a cliffhanger, leaving the audience wanting to know what happens next. Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would be to focus more on Andre's character development and add more suspense to the scene. One way to do this is by adding more details about his personality and his relationship with Crystal. This could be achieved by showing them talking more about their plans for the evening or how they met. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more sound effects such as footsteps, rustling leaves, or cars passing by to add tension and heighten the sense of danger. Finally, I would also recommend adding more visual cues to indicate that Andre is being followed, such as shadows or reflections in the car's windows. These changes would make the scene more engaging and leave the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see what happens next.



Scene 2 -  Morning in Chris' Bedroom
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - MORNING

Rose walks down the hallway with her hands full. She has two
coffees and two bags of pastries. Chris opens the door. Rose
stands outside the apartment. Chris smirks.

ROSE
I know. I couldn’t decide...

He takes the coffee tray and pulls her inside. They kiss and
shut the door.
5.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - CHRIS’ BEDROOM - DAY

Chris packs a small bag of luggage. Rose lays on the bed.


Rose eats a chocolate croissant. SID lays by her on the bed.
She strokes him. It’s a perfect morning.


ROSE
Toothbrush... Deodorant...


CHRIS
Check... Check....

Rose notices Chris is being cagey.

Chris packs in silence for a moment.

ROSE
What? Where’d you go?

CHRIS
Nowhere.

ROSE
No, what?

CHRIS
Do the know I’m black?

ROSE
No. Why? Should they?

CHRIS
Seems like you might wanna mention
it...

ROSE
Right. You mean like “Mom, Dad, my
black boyfriend and I are coming up
for the weekend”? He’s African
American, but I hope you can
overlook that.


Chris, being teased, pulls Rose by the ankle and gets on top
of her.

CHRIS
You said I’m the first black guy
you’d ever dated.
6.


ROSE
Yeah, so.

CHRIS
I’m just sayin’ this is uncharted
territory for them. I don’t wanna
get chased off the lawn with a gun.

Rose embraces him and pulls him to the bed.

ROSE
Dude, seriously. My dad would’ve
legit voted for Obama a third time
if he could’ve. Yes, he will want
to talk to you about it, and that
will be embarrassing as fuck, but
it’s just cause he’s lame.

Chris laughs.

ROSE (CONT’D)
There are a lot of maddening things
about them but they’re not racist.
I promise.


Chris nods amused, but isn’t totally convinced.

ROSE (CONT’D)
And my mom loves Idris Elba.

CHRIS
(sarcastic)
Oh, why didn’t you say so?

He holds her. He kisses her cheek. She raises her phone and
takes a selfie of them.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Oh, sneak attack!

ROSE
(laughing)
Don’t!

They roll around playfully.


INT. CITY APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chris and Rose stand by the front door about to leave. Rose
blows Sid a kiss.
7.


ROSE
(to Sid)
Bye, Sid.

They almost leave, but at the last second goes to turn the TV
on for Sid. He rubs Sid’s head briefly.

CHRIS
(to Sid)
Rod’ll be by soon. Love you.

They leave. Sid watches a commercial for the United Negro
College Fund.

COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
The United Negro College Fund. A
mind is a terrible thing to waste.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - BIRD’S-EYE VIEW - DAY

We soar over Rose’s Car as it drives through the beautiful
countryside; a road flanked by woods.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Rose and Chris discuss the potential awkwardness of Chris being the first black guy she's introduced to her parents. They playfully turn the conversation into a joke and take a selfie together, before leaving the apartment and driving through the countryside.
Strengths "The scene is humorous, casual and highlights the playful relationship between Rose and Chris."
Weaknesses "There is not much action in this scene and may not provide much depth to the overall plot of the story."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the story forward. It effectively establishes the relationship between Rose and Chris and hints at possible conflicts to come. However, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the scene lacks visual description and specificity, especially in the beginning. It would benefit from more specific details about the apartment building and hallway - is it rundown or upscale? Are there any interesting features that could add to the scene? Additionally, it is unclear where Chris is going and why he is packing a suitcase, which may confuse some viewers.

Secondly, the dialogue, while naturalistic, occasionally feels too on-the-nose in terms of what it reveals about the characters. For example, when Rose says "He’s African American, but I hope you can overlook that," it feels like she is explaining this to the audience rather than to Chris, who already knows he is black. The conversation about Chris being a "black boyfriend" also feels slightly contrived, as if the characters are addressing a social issue rather than just having a normal conversation.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more emotional stakes. The tension about Chris being a black boyfriend is hinted at but not fully explored, and there is no clear conflict or obstacle that the characters need to overcome. Adding more emotional depth and conflict to the scene would make it more engaging for the viewer.

Overall, while the scene is well-written and establishes important details about the characters and their relationship, it could be improved upon with more visual description, nuanced dialogue, and emotional stakes.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more details to the setting: While the script describes the location as an apartment building hallway, it doesn't give much information about the visuals or atmosphere of the space. Consider adding more details to make the setting feel more alive and immersive.

2. Show instead of tell: The dialogue in this scene is very on-the-nose and exposition-heavy. Rather than having the characters explain their backgrounds or motivations, find ways to show these things through action, behavior, or visuals.

3. Use subtext: The tension around Chris being black and meeting Rose's family is a central theme of the movie, but it's being spelled out very explicitly here. Consider using more subtext and subtle cues to convey this tension, rather than having the characters talk about it directly.

4. Create more conflict: While the playful banter between Chris and Rose is cute, it doesn't add much conflict or tension to the scene. Consider introducing a new element of conflict or tension to make the scene more interesting and engaging.

5. Consider the pacing: This scene is fairly long and takes place in two different locations. Consider tightening it up or finding ways to streamline the action to make it flow better and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 3 -  Road Trip Banter
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ROSE’S CAR - DAY

Rose hums. Chris, in the passengers seat, looks through his
camera at the passing trees. He snaps a test shot. Chris
picks up a fast food wrapper from the floor of the car and
tosses it in the backseat.

CHRIS
I can’t believe they even let you
in a Hospital.

ROSE
I’m very sanitary at work.

CHRIS
How long has it been?

ROSE
Since I’ve been up here? I don’t
know. A few years? My dad grew up
here. We used to come up every
summer to visit my grandparents.
Since they died, my parents
basically moved here.

Chris takes out a cigarette sneakily. Rose grabs it promptly.
Chris holds out his hand for it. He’s played this game
before.
8.


CHRIS
Okay.

She poses sexy with it.

ROSE
Is this hot? Do I look hot?

CHRIS
I’m a grown man. If I say I want a
cigarette, I should be able to--

She opens the window and throws it out and closes the window.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Okay, so that’s like a dollar. You
basically just threw a dollar out
the window.

Rose takes a crumpled dollar out of her purse.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Hold on, I gotta call Rod.

Chris takes out his phone.


EXT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES TERMINAL - DAY

ROD WILLIAMS, 26, African American, a stocky TSA agent smokes
a cigarette and hides it from arriving passengers. His cell
phone rings.

ROD
‘Sup?

INTERCUT WITH:


NT. ROSE’S CAR - DAY

Chris sits in the passenger seat and talks on the cell phone.

CHRIS
Hey, You at work?

ROD
Yeah. Chris, tell me this. How I’m
gonna get in trouble for pattin’
down an old lady. It’s standard
procedure!I got fuckin’ Gary out
here thinkin’ just because a bitch
elderly, she can’t hijack an
airplane.
9.


Chris laughs.

ROD (CONT’D)
Watch, the next 9/11 is gonna be on
some geriatric shit too.

CHRIS
Look, man; Thanks for watching Sid
this weekend. Remember, no human
food; he’s got IBS.

ROD
You actually think I forgot that
shit? Damn ‘C’, I’m hurt. Give your
boy a little credit. I don’t forget
shit, you do.

CHRIS
Yeah, yeah. Alright.

ROD
Apology accepted. How’s ‘Lil Miss
Rosie?

CHRIS
She’s good. She’s drivin’--

Rose holds out her hand. Chris reluctantly turns on the
speaker phone.

ROSE
Hi, Rod.

ROD
Whattup girl? Hey listen, you
better bring my boy back in one
piece.

ROSE
I don’t even know what that means
but yes, I promise.

ROD
You know you picked the wrong guy
though right?

ROSE
It’s not too late for us is it?

Chris turns the speaker phone back off.

CHRIS
Okay, get your own girl.
10.


ROD
Damn, I never seen you like this.

CHRIS
Like what?

ROD
Meeting the family? What does she
lick your balls or something?


CHRIS
Goodbye, Rod. I’ll kick you some
cash when I get back.

ROD
I don’t need your money, just get
your girl to introduce me to one of
her ball-lickin’ girlfriends, and
we’re straight.

CHRIS
Bye.

ROD
You better not come back all bougie
on me--

Chris hangs up. He gives Rose a look.

ROSE
What..? Settle down. You know I’m
yours.

Rose pokes Chris. He’s clearly very ticklish.

CHRIS
Hey!

After a brief standoff they begin a tickle fight.


ROSE
Stop! I’m driving.

Chris pulls away. After a moment...


CHRIS
You started it--

A shadow darts across the hood of the car. It’s hind legs
SMACK the hood of the car with a loud THWAT-THWAT!
11.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Rose and Chris drive through the countryside and banter about Rose's hometown and Chris's job. They engage in playful bickering and tickling while on the phone with Rod, Chris's friend. Suddenly, a mysterious creature darts across the car's hood.
Strengths "The banter between Rose and Chris is entertaining and gives insight into their personalities."
Weaknesses "The sudden appearance of the creature feels random and out of place."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I don't have personal opinions or subjective judgement, but I can tell you that this scene seems to lack a clear objective or purpose. It is mostly focused on casual banter and small talk between two characters in a car, with no clear conflict or stakes. The dialogue could be tightened and made more concise, and there could be more attention paid to visual details and action to engage the audience visually. The scene also seems to rely heavily on stereotypes and clichés, such as the sassy black TSA agent and the tickle fight between the two characters. Overall, this scene could benefit from more clarity in its goals and more unique and nuanced characterization.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene - This scene seems to be a conversation between Rose and Chris that showcases their playful dynamic. However, it is not entirely clear how this scene moves the plot forward or develops their characters. Perhaps adding a few lines that hint at their relationship or their upcoming trip would help make the scene more purposeful.

2. Add visual descriptions - Screenplays are a visual medium, so adding visual descriptions can make a scene more engaging. For example, instead of just saying "Rose hums," you could describe what she's humming or how her face looks as she hums. Similarly, you could describe the passing trees more vividly to create a sense of movement and atmosphere.

3. Cut unnecessary dialogue - Some of the dialogue in the scene feels repetitive or unnecessary. For example, the exchange between Chris and Rod about Sid could be condensed or cut entirely. This would help keep the scene tight and focused.

4. Consider the pacing - The scene is quite dialogue-heavy, which can make it seem static or slow-paced on screen. Adding in some action or movement, even small gestures or expressions, could help keep the scene visually interesting.

5. Develop Rose's character more - Rose feels somewhat one-dimensional in this scene, mainly serving as a foil for Chris's antics. Adding in some hints about her backstory or personality could help flesh her out and make her a more interesting and dynamic character.



Scene 4 -  Deer Collision and Police Encounter
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. RURAL ROAD. CONTINUOUS

The deer is propelled into the woods like a pinwheel. The car
screeches to a halt. The passenger’s side mirror swings
dangling off it’s mount. Chris and Rose breathe hard for a
few moments of shock.

ROSE
Fuck!

CHRIS
You okay?

ROSE
Yeah. You?

CHRIS
Yeah. That scared the shit out of
me.

Rose and Chris get out of the car and inspect the damage. The
right headlight is busted and a scratch in the paint leads
across the hood to the right rearview mirror which hangs

ROSE
Fuck!!!

Chris looks back in the direction of the collision.

CHRIS
Stay here.

ROSE
What are you doing?

CHRIS
I don’t know... See if it’s okay?

Chris walks a few more steps then stops. He rethinks.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Maybe it’s gone--


A guttural, almost human, moan OF PAIN comes from in the
trees behind them. They watch the woods in horror.

Chris walks back towards the haunting wail. It stops.

ROSE
Chris...?
12.


Chris motions for Rose to stay. He keeps walking towards the
thicket about 40 Ft behind the car. Something breathes deep
in the bushes.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Be careful!

Chris gathers his courage and steps off the road into the
dark thicket. He peers through the bushes. The deer lays
there gasping for air and watching him with a black wet eye.
Chris is transfixed.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY

A cop car is now pulled up behind Rose’s car. OFFICER FROSTY -
Caucasian - 33 stands near the deer on the road behind.
Another officer, OFFICER RYAN - 40 - Caucasian, speaks with
Rose who stands by the open driver’s side door. Chris sits
lightly on the hood facing forward lost in thought.


INT. ROSE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Rose rummages through her messy purse.

OFFICER RYAN
So, in the future the number to
call is Animal Control Services.

ROSE
Right. Thanks. Here it is!

Rose finally pulls her driver’s license from her purse. The
Officer looks at it and over at Chris.

OFFICER RYAN
You two coming up from the city?

ROSE
Yeah. My parents live in the Lake
Pontaco area. We’re up here for the
weekend.

OFFICER RYAN
Sir..? Can I see your license?

CHRIS
Oh... yeah. I have a state I.D.

ROSE
Wait, why?
13.


OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am?

ROSE
He wasn’t driving?

OFFICER RYAN
I didn’t ask if he was driving, I
asked to see his I.D.

ROSE
(to Officer Ryan)
But why? It doesn’t make any sense.

CHRIS
Here.

Chris offers Officer Ryan his I.D.

ROSE
No, fuck that. He shouldn’t have to
show you his I.D. because he hasn’t
done anything wrong.

CHRIS
Baby. It’s okay--

OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am, any time there is an
incident we have the right to--

ROSE
That’s bullshit!

OFFICER RYAN
Ma’am...

There is a tense silence. Officer Ryan gives up. Not worth
the trouble. Officer Ryan’s walkie chimes in.


OFFICER FROSTY
Everything alright up there
Crowsie?

He presses his walkie button.

OFFICER RYAN
Yeah, I’m all good.
(to Chris and Rose)
You guys drive safe.

Rose and Chris get into their car.
14.


OFFICER RYAN (CONT’D)
Get that headlight fixed... And the
mirror.


EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY

Bird’s eye view. The car winds through a thickly wooded road.


INT. ROSE’S CAR - AFTERNOON

Chris sits in the passenger’s seat deep in thought. He
watches Rose with a new pride. Rose notices.

ROSE
What?

CHRIS
That was hot.

ROSE
I’m not gonna let anyone mess with
my man.

CHRIS
I see that.

ROSE
We’re here.
Genres: ["drama","suspense","thriller"]

Summary While driving on a rural road, Chris and Rose hit a deer and encounter police officers who question Chris's identification. Rose stands up for him and they are eventually allowed to leave.
Strengths "The conflict between the police officers and Chris and Rose creates tension and adds to the overall suspense of the scene. Rose's defense of Chris also adds depth to their relationship."
Weaknesses "The scene is slow-paced and doesn't add much to the overall plot of the story. The dialogue is also somewhat repetitive."
Critique Overall, this scene sets up some tension and conflict between the characters and the police officer, but there are a few areas for improvement.

First, the action description can be tightened up to be more concise and visual. For example, instead of simply saying "Chris and Rose breathe hard for a few moments of shock," it could be more vividly described as "Chris and Rose's chests heave with erratic breaths as they process the terrifying impact."

Second, there may be an opportunity for more character development and emotional depth. When Chris walks towards the injured deer, the scene could be heightened if there was a clearer sense of his internal struggle. Is he conflicted about potentially hurting the animal more or putting himself in danger? It would also be interesting to see Rose's reaction to this, as it may reveal more about who she is as a character.

Lastly, the dialogue is somewhat on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtext. For example, instead of Officer Ryan explicitly saying "any time there is an incident we have the right to-" it could be more effective if he trailed off or let the implication hang in the air, leaving Rose and Chris to fill in the rest with their own assumptions and frustrations.

Overall, this scene sets up some potential conflicts and raises some questions about the characters, but could use some tightening and deeper emotional exploration.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the stakes of the scene. We understand that the deer is injured and that the officers want to see Chris' ID, but why is this scene important to the overall story? Is this incident going to play a bigger role later on? Additionally, there could be more character development between Chris and Rose during this scene. Maybe they have a disagreement about how to handle the situation or Chris feels guilty for hitting the deer. Finally, the guttural moan from the injured deer could be amplified for a greater sense of tension and horror.



Scene 5 -  The Arrival
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - AFTERNOON

The woods give way to an huge clearing. A lovely medium-sized
home sits in the middle. Thick forest surrounds the estate.
The property is charming and isolated; no other houses in
sight.

As they drive past the large front lawn passing WALTER,
African American 35, who trims hedges. Walter is tall and
wears a gardening hat. He works slowly and methodically. Rose
waves as they pass.

ROSE
Hi, Walter!

Walter waves back.

ROSE (CONT’D)
(to Chris)
The grounds-keeper.
15.


CHRIS
Oh, okay.


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - MOMENTS LATER

Having parked, Rose and Chris approach the front door with
their luggage. Rose rummages through her bag.

ROSE
Where are my stupid keys...? I just
had them in my hand.

Chris RINGS the DOORBELL. Touché.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Get ready.

FOOTSTEPS. The door swings open revealing...

DEAN ARMITAGE, 59, a tall, barrel-chested WASP. Dean is a
well educated man with a poor social filter and a bad case of
Dad humor. He is the kind of guy who pronounces garbage, Gar-
bahge.

And... MISSY ARMITAGE, 56, is poised, warm and beautiful. She
exudes patience and intelligence. Missy can read people like
books. She’s a perfectly attentive host.

Rose hugs her parents.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Hi!

DEAN MISSY
There she is! Hello sweetheart.

Chris stands there awkwardly.

ROSE
Chris, this my Mom and my Dad. Mom,
Dad; Chris.

CHRIS
Hey.

Dean holds his hand out.

DEAN
You can call me Mr. Armitage.

CHRIS
Of course. I--
16.


DEAN
Got him. Come here.

Dean grabs Chris’ hand and pulls him in for a bear hug.

DEAN (CONT’D)
We hug around here, my Man. Call me
Dean.

Rose rolls her eyes with love. She’s already embarrassed.

MISSY CHRIS
(to Rose) Nice to meet you.
Your father’s very excited.

MISSY
Hi, I’m Missy, welcome to our home.

Missy shakes Chris’ hand warmly.

MISSY (CONT’D)
Come inside.

DEAN
Yes, Come in! Make yourselves
comfortable?

The four enter the house. Walter watches from afar. He slowly
turns and goes back to work.


INT. ARMITAGE HOME - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The interior is homey and eccentric; worldly and interesting.

DEAN
(to Rose and Chris)
How was the ride in?

ROSE
We hit a deer.

DEAN
Oh no! Is it dead?

CHRIS
Yeah.

MISSY
That’s horrible. Are you guys
alright?

ROSE
Yeah. It just fruck us out.
17.


MISSY
“Fruck?” That’s a good one.

CHRIS
It came out of nowhere. We got it
pretty good.

DEAN
You know what I say: One down... a
few hundred thousand to go.


MISSY ROSE
(laughing) Dad.
Dean. So awful.

DEAN
What?! They’re everywhere; like
rats. The threat they pose to the
ecology is pretty serious stuff.

MISSY
I’m sure that was traumatic for
you. You two must be exhausted.

CHRIS
Yeah, a little.

DEAN
So how long have you guys been a
thing?

CHRIS
4 months.

ROSE
5 months.

CHRIS
She’s right, I’m wrong.

DEAN
‘Atta boy, Chris. Get used to
saying that.

Dean stands.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Anyway, let me give you the grand
tour.

ROSE
Slow down. We just got here.
18.


MISSY
Let them unload their bags first.

DEAN
Yeah, yeah. Alright. Well, hurry.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Rose and Chris arrive at the Armitage estate to stay with Rose's parents. They are greeted warmly, but Chris feels a bit out of place.
Strengths "The characters are well-developed, and the dialogue is realistic and humorous."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict and emotional impact."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written and engaging scene. The descriptions of the setting and characters are vivid, and the dialogue is natural and believable.

One small critique is that the introduction of Walter feels a bit forced. His character is not really developed beyond being the groundskeeper, and his interaction with Rose and Chris feels perfunctory. It might be stronger to simply show Walter in the background as they arrive, rather than having Rose call out to him.

Another potential area for improvement is the reliance on exposition in the dialogue. For example, when Missy welcomes Chris to their home, she says "Come inside," which feels redundant since they are already in the foyer. Additionally, the conversation about the deer hunt serves primarily to establish Dean as a character who makes insensitive jokes, rather than adding much to the scene as a whole.

Overall, though, this is a strong start to a screenplay. The scene sets up the main characters and establishes the tone of the story effectively.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more dynamic. The conversation between characters is pretty straightforward and lacks depth. To make it more engaging, consider adding subtext, conflict or humor.

2. Create more tension. The scene feels too relaxed and doesn't build any tension that could carry on throughout the rest of the film. Find ways to create tension and foreshadow what is to come.

3. Flesh out the characters. Although we get an overview of the characters' personalities, they don't feel fully developed. Try to add more depth and complexity to their personalities.

4. Introduce the setting more effectively. The description of the estate and surrounding nature is brief and doesn't create a vivid image in readers' minds. Try to use more descriptive language to create a strong visual image of the setting.

5. Connect the scene to the overall story more effectively. While the scene functions as an introduction to Rose's parents and the Armitage home, it doesn't seem connected to the larger story. Find ways to establish the themes of the story in this scene.

Applying these suggestions can make the scene more engaging and add to the story.



Scene 6 -  Unpacking and Touring
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Rose and Chris take their bags upstairs.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Rose’s old room is a cross between a young-minded teenage
girl... (a stuffed lion, ballerina music box etc) and a
moodier more rebellious teen. A window overlooks the front
lawn.

Rose and Chris place their bags down. She starts unpacking.

ROSE
I was never this clean.

CHRIS
Oh, right.

Chris looks at some pictures posted on her dresser.

ROSE
So...

CHRIS
What? Oh, they’re great.

ROSE
I told you.

He sees a picture of Rose in high school on stage in a
production of ‘The Crucible.'

CHRIS
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this
you?

ROSE
Where did you find that. I hate
that picture.

Rose takes it from him and puts it in the closet.

CHRIS
I didn’t know you were a drama kid.
19.


ROSE
There’s a lot you don’t know about
me.

CHRIS
Oh really?

Rose grabs Chris by the belt and pulls him to the bed on top
of her. They kiss. She goes for his fly.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Wait, what about the tour?

Rose looks at him like “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Chris
laughs.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
What? I want to be respectful.


INT. ARMITAGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Dean and Chris walk and look at pictures on the wall. Rose in
the living room.

Dean opens the door to the office. He and Chris stand
outside the door as Dean reaches in to turn on the lights.
In front of the desk, two comfortable-looking chairs face
each other. Books line the walls. Dean and Chris don’t enter.

DEAN
Missy’s office. She takes
appointments in there.

CHRIS
Nice. She’s a therapist, right?

DEAN
Psychiatrist, yeah. Turns out
people up here are just as messed
up in the head as they were in the
city.

Chris zones in on a photograph taken in the 90’s in front of
the Armitage house. Dean and Missy are younger, and Rose and
her brother Jeremy are kids. Roman and Josie Armitage, the
grandparents stand in the middle.

DEAN (CONT’D)
That’s my Son Jeremy.

CHRIS
I’ve heard stories.
20.


DEAN
He went through a couple dark spots
but came out the other side just
fine. He’s in Med school like his
pops. You’ll meet him later.

CHRIS
Oh, cool.

They pass Rose who’s on her phone in the living room. She
gives him an “Told you this would be boring” look.

DEAN
(chuckles)
We pop around quite a bit; always
seem to bring some new little
treasure back from wherever.

They move down the hallway to a black and white framed
picture of a 25 year old man posing in the starting position
for a race.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Oh you’ll like this. My dad’s claim
to fame. He was beat out by Jessie
Owens in the qualifying round for
the Berlin Olympics in ‘36. That’s
the one where--


CHRIS
--Owens won in front of Hitler.

DEAN
Talk about a perfect moment in
history. There’s Hitler on his high
horse with his perfect Aryan race,
and here comes this black fella to
prove him wrong in front of the
world. What a moment.

CHRIS
Tough break for your Dad though.

DEAN
He almost got over it.

Dean winks.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Dean and Chris continue their walk-through. The kitchen is
homey and pristine. It has a distinctly grandmotherly vibe.
21.


GEORGINA (30), African American, stands in the middle of the
kitchen cleaning the center island and smiling like she’s
been waiting for them.

DEAN
My mother loved her kitchen, so we
kept a piece of her in here.

CHRIS
(to Georgina)
Hi

DEAN
Oh, Georgina, this is Chris; Rose’s
boyfriend.

GEORGINA
Hello.-

DEAN
“Garbahge” goes under the sink. But
now for the piece de resistance...

Dean opens the glass back door.
Genres: ["Romance","Drama"]

Summary Rose and Chris take their bags upstairs to Rose's old room, where they have a moment of intimacy. Meanwhile, Dean shows Chris around the house and introduces him to various family members and artifacts.
Strengths "The scene provides some exposition through dialogue and introduces the audience to various characters."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have a lot of action or conflict, and the dialogue could be more engaging."
Critique As a screenwriting AI, I don't have personal expertise or opinions, but I can provide you with a few general tips to improve your scene:

- The scene starts with Rose and Chris taking their bags upstairs, which feels like unnecessary information. Try to start the scene with them already in Rose's bedroom, to make the scene more concise.

- The dialogue between Rose and Chris feels a bit generic and could benefit from more subtext. Try to think about what they're truly trying to say to each other through their words.

- The transition between the upstairs hallway and downstairs hallway is a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition. Try to add a transition sentence or a visual cue to make the transition more natural.

- The conversation between Dean and Chris about the family history and Jesse Owens feels a bit disconnected from what's happening with Rose and Chris in the previous scene. Try to find a way to tie the two storylines together or make the transition smoother.

Overall, the scene has some strong moments, but could benefit from tighter dialogue and smoother transitions.
Suggestions The scene has good dialogue and character development, but it could benefit from more visual description and action. Here are some suggestions:

- Consider adding more specific details to the setting to visually highlight the contrast between the young and moody elements in Rose's room. For example, is there a poster of a favorite band on the wall or a dark-colored bedspread?
- Instead of just having Rose unpacking, consider showing her interacting with her childhood items or pausing to reminisce about a specific memory tied to something in the room. This can add more depth and emotional weight to her character.
- When Chris sees the picture of Rose in "The Crucible," consider having him react more strongly than just saying "wait." Does he recognize the play? Is he impressed or surprised? Adding more description to his reaction can show more about his character as well.
- When Chris and Rose start to kiss, consider adding more physical actions and sensations to make the moment more vivid. For example, is there a specific smell in the room, or can they feel each other's heartbeats quickening?
- When Dean and Chris are looking at the pictures, consider adding more descriptive language to the photographs themselves. For instance, instead of just saying "a photograph taken in the 90's," specify what the people in the picture are wearing or what the lighting looks like. These small details can help the scene come alive more vividly.
- When Dean and Chris reach the kitchen, consider adding more physical descriptions of Georgina's appearance or actions. This can help to establish her character as well as the warm atmosphere of the home.
- Finally, when Dean opens the glass back door, consider adding more sensory details to the outdoor setting. For example, can the characters feel a certain temperature or breeze? Is there a particular sound in the background, like birds chirping? These small touches can help to make the world of the movie feel more real and immersive.



Scene 7 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
EXT. BACKYARD - LATE AFTERNOON

The yard is huge and the woods beyond it ominous. The wind
RUSHES through the trees. Dean leads Chris out through the
yard towards a gazebo.

DEAN
Smell that...? Space! I love it.
I’m tellin’ you, the nearest house
is practically on the other side of
the lake. It’s total privacy out
here.

Chris is distracted by Walter who prepares the lawn mower in
the distance.

DEAN (CONT’D)
I know what you’re thinking.


Chris looks at him.

DEAN (CONT’D)
White family; black servants. Total
cliche.

CHRIS
I wasn’t gonna go there.
22.


DEAN
You didn’t have to. Trust me, I
know. We hired them a few years ago
to help care for my parents;
they’re like part of the family
now. Couldn’t bear to let them go.
I hate the way it looks though...

CHRIS
Yeah, I know what you mean.

DEAN
And by the way, I would’ve voted
for Obama a third term if I
could’ve. Best president in my
lifetime. Hands down.

Chris smirks.

CHRIS
I agree.
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique The scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and setting description. However, it could benefit from more action and conflict, as it does not move the story forward or provide a clear sense of what the characters want. Additionally, while the conversation about race and politics is important, it can come off as forced and preachy, detracting from the overall impact of the scene. To improve the scene, consider adding more tension or dramatic elements that advance the plot, while still allowing for meaningful character development and commentary on social issues. Additionally, dialogue that is more natural and organic to the characters' personalities and motivations could enhance the believability of the scene.
Suggestions 1. Establish the scene's purpose: The scene doesn't seem to serve any particular purpose in the plot. What does it reveal about the characters? Does it foreshadow something? Why is it important to the story?

2. Add tension or conflict: The scene lacks tension or conflict. It needs to have a reason for being there. Dean and Chris could have a disagreement about the political climate or the racial issues, adding a new layer to their friendship.

3. Use visual cues: In a screenplay, visuals can add depth and nuance to a scene. It could be more evocative to see the ominous woods and the huge yard. The visuals should set the tone and mood for the scene.

4. Develop the characters: The dialogue could be more revealing about Dean and Chris's backgrounds, personalities, and motivations. The conversation could go deeper into their relationship or a shared experience they have had.

5. Show, don't tell: The dialogue can be more robust if we use more diverse expressions and reveal the characters' personalities through actions, not just words. Dean could show his affection for his parents' caretakers through gestures or by interacting with them in a more meaningful way. Chris could show his beliefs through mannerisms or visual cues.



Scene 8 -  Outdoor Patio Get-Together
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. OUTDOOR PATIO - DAY

Dean, Missy, Chris and Rose sit with iced teas. Missy stirs
sugar into hers. Walter mows in the distance. Dean views
pictures on Chris’ camera.

DEAN
Wow. Look at that. Isn’t that
something?

He shows Missy a particularly cool photo.


MISSY
Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

DEAN
I love this one.

ROSE
Which one?

Dean turns the camera around and it’s a beautiful picture of
Rose.

CHRIS
That was taken the day we met.

ROSE
I was volunteering at the blood
drive.
23.


MISSY
How long ago was that?

DEAN
So...? Are you guys in love or
what?

ROSE
Really, Dad..?


CHRIS
We’ve been trying to take it slow
but...

Chris blushes. He looks at Rose. Rose can’t help but smile.

MISSY
Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

DEAN
(to Chris)
And what do your parents do?

CHRIS
My Dad was never really in the
picture. My mom passed away when I
was 11... Hit and run.

MISSY
How did she die?

CHRIS
Hit and Run.

MISSY DEAN
Oh, that’s awful. Sorry to hear that.

DEAN (CONT’D)
So young too.

CHRIS
--Actually I don’t remember a whole
lot from that time.

MISSY
It’s okay. We don’t need to talk
about that.

Missy stirs her glass. The spoon hits the side of the glass
creating a small...

TING TING TING TING
24.


Chris and Missy share a comforting look. They have an
unspoken connection.


Chris scratches the table nervously. Missy notices.

DEAN
You smoke Chris?

CHRIS
I’m quitting.

ROSE
This is why I stopped bringing guys
around.

MISSY
It’s okay, I’m not judging.

DEAN
Ugly habit though. You should have
Missy take care of that for you.

CHRIS
How?

DEAN
Hypnosis. She’s developed her own
system. It works like a charm.

CHRIS
Oh. Wow. Um...

ROSE
Believe it or not, some people
don’t want strangers all up in
their heads.

DEAN
I thought the whole thing was bull
shit too. I smoked for 15 years.
She puts me under once, now the
sight one makes me wanna vomit.


MISSY
Fall back, Dean.

CHRIS
I’m good, actually. Thank you
though.
25.


MISSY
Of course. I’m available for the
next two days if you change your
mind...

Georgina brings the pitcher of iced tea around and refills
everyone’s glass. She smiles and avoids eye contact.

DEAN
Smoker or not, we’re just glad you
could join us for the big get-
together.

ROSE
Oh shit. That’s this weekend?

CHRIS
What’s the get-together?

MISSY
Rose’s grandfather’s party.

DEAN
My Dad threw a shindig for his
friends once a year. Bocce ball,
horseshoes, badminton.


ROSE
It’s basically a bunch of rich old
people playing lawn games. Why
didn’t you tell me?

MISSY
It’s the same day every year
sweetheart.
(To Chris)
We kept it going after they died.
Makes us feel like they’re here
with us.

Georgina’s expression glazes over. Her head cocks a little,
and subtle flashes of fear cross her face. No one notices.

ROSE
I just wanted to bring him up on a
chill weekend.

CHRIS
Sounds like fun, actually.

Georgina has been pouring Chris’ drink too long and his glass
has overflown.
26.


MISSY
(concerned)
Georgina.

Georgina snaps out of her daze and starts to clean.

GEORGINA
I’m sorry. Look what I’ve done.
What a nincompoop.

MISSY
It’s fine, George. Just leave it.

GEORGINA
Oh, I can’t leave that there.

MISSY
--Yes you can. Why don’t you go lie
down.

GEORGINA
I think I will.

Georgina nods, smiles and walks away. Chris and Rose look at
Dean. That was odd. Dean shrugs.

JEREMY (O.S.)
What’s up, FAM?!?

MISSY
Jeremy’s home.

JEREMY, 29, rounds the house with open arms. He’s “Rich kid
intense”; handsome with an unpredictable wildness behind his
eyes.

JEREMY
Who answers the door around here?!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The group chats about their past and future while drinking iced teas on the patio. Chris' parents are deceased and Dean offers a suggestion to quit smoking. Georgina pours Chris' drink for too long and spills it, causing a strange reaction from Missy. Jeremy returns home.
Strengths "The natural dialogue between characters. Some foreshadowing and conflict building with Georgina's strange behavior."
Weaknesses "Lacks significant plot progression or conflict. Some characters have limited development."
Critique Overall, the scene sets the tone and builds tension through subtle hints and facial expressions carried out by the characters. The dialogue is natural and realistic, with the characters revealing information about themselves and their backstories. However, the scene lacks a clear objective or plot point to focus on, making it feel like nothing much is happening. The introduction of Jeremy at the end raises questions about his character and his potential impact on the story, which is a good way to keep the audience engaged and interested in what comes next.
Suggestions Some possible suggestions to improve this scene:

- The dialogue and actions feel a bit generic and surface-level. It might help to dig deeper into the characters and their dynamics, exploring their motivations, fears, and desires. For example, what does Rose really think of Chris? How does Chris feel about being exposed to Rose's family? Why does Missy push hypnosis on Chris? Adding more depth to these characters and their relationships could make the scene more engaging and meaningful.
- The scene lacks conflict or tension. There are no real stakes or obstacles for the characters to overcome, which can make it feel static or dull. Consider adding some kind of dramatic conflict, such as a disagreement or argument between characters, a sudden revelation or twist, or a looming threat that raises the stakes. This would make the scene more compelling and drive the story forward.
- The action and setting are mostly static. The characters are just sitting and talking, which can make the scene feel visually and emotionally flat. Consider adding some movement or physicality to the scene, such as characters walking, gesturing, or performing some kind of activity. This would help to create visual interest and give the scene more energy.
- The dialogue could use some trimming. Some of the lines feel repetitive or unnecessary, and could be cut to streamline the scene. For example, the exchange about Missy's system for quitting smoking could be shortened or eliminated entirely, since it doesn't seem to add much to the scene or the characters. Trimming the dialogue could also help to create a more natural, conversational flow to the scene.



Scene 9 -  Dinner table conversation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ARMITAGE DINING ROOM - LATER/NIGHT

Everyone but Rose laughs. She holds her face in
embarrassment.

Dean pours the remainder of a bottle of wine into Chris’
glass. Their meal is done and they are tipsy.

ROSE
Okay, enough.

JEREMY
“Enough?” We’re just getting
started. Let’s see. What else?
(MORE)
27.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
What else? Did she tell you about
her toenail collection?

ROSE
Oh my God!!!

CHRIS
What?

JEREMY
She’d bite em off with her teeth
and suck on them and save them in
her jewelry box.

ROSE
No I didn’t.

JEREMY
Yes you did, liar.

Rose throws her napkin at Jeremy as he pops the cork on a new
bottle. Dean and Missy try not to laugh.

CHRIS
That’s really disgusting.

ROSE
(to Jeremy)
I hate you so much.

JEREMY
(to Rose)
Love you too.
(to Chris)
Oh, okay. Here’s a good one. Let me
set the scene. It was our junior
year and Rose has a crush on this
guy Conner Garfield.

ROSE
--No. Mom.

MISSY
Jeremy...

CHRIS
No, no... These are good. I wanna
hear this.

DEAN
Manners, Rose. Give the guest what
he wants.

He winks at Rose warmly.
28.


JEREMY
SO, Conner’s from my lacrosse team.
Huge kid, like 6’3”, and pretty
dumb, right? We threw a party--

ROSE
You threw a party.

JEREMY
--I think my parents were in Greece
or something. We raided their
liquor cabinet and we’re all shit-
faced. Like 15 of us.

MISSY
Ha! No you weren’t. Were you?

JEREMY
We put water in the bottles so you
wouldn’t know. Let me finish. So
I’m upstairs in my parents’
bathroom hooking up with Jean
Deely, hottest girl in our class.

MISSY
Ugh.

ROSE
You realize you’re coming off like
a douche right now, right?

JEREMY
Thanks. All of a sudden Connor
starts banging on the bathroom
door, right? I open it, and he’s
got blood gushing out of his mouth
and he’s screaming “Your thith-ter
bit my fuckin’ thongue off!!!!”

CHRIS
Whoa, what?

JEREMY
Sure enough, there is a centimeter
of tongue meat missing right here.

Jeremy demonstrates and Chris winces.

CHRIS
(to Rose)
Ahhhh! You bit him?
29.


ROSE
He cornered me and shoved his
tongue in my mouth, so yeah.

CHRIS
That’s badass.

DEAN
I never heard about that.

JEREMY
I made him clean up the blood.

Jeremy locks into Chris, intensely.

MISSY
Well, I’m going to see how dessert
is coming along.
(To Dean)
Maybe we can change the
conversation to something a little
lighter.

Missy walks out of the dining room into the kitchen. The
door swings open and Chris gets a glimpse of Georgina who
stands in a daze looking at the ceiling. The door swings
shut.


DEAN
Chris, what’s your sport?
Football...? Baseball?

CHRIS
Ah, Basketball, I guess. I don’t
know; not really into sports
though.

JEREMY
You an MMA fan?

ROSE
Dude.

JEREMY
What?

DEAN
She’s right. Let someone else talk
for a bit.
30.


JEREMY
He’s dating my sister! You’ve had
your chance; I can’t bond with the
guy?

Dean exhales.

CHRIS
You mean like UFC? Yeah, nah. Too
brutal for me.

JEREMY
You ever get into street fights as
a kid?

CHRIS
Not really. I did take Judo for
after-school in 1st grade.

ROSE
Awww.

JEREMY
Cause, with your frame, your
genetic make-up? If you pushed
your body, I mean really trained,
you’d be a fucking beast.

The kitchen door swings open again, and Missy walks back in
with a perfect carrot cake. Georgina is gone.

MISSY
What’d I miss?

ROSE
A lot of nothing.

JEREMY
We’re talking about sports.
(to Chris)
See the thing about jiu-jitsu, is
that strength doesn’t matter. All
that matters is this.


Jeremy points to his head and stares Chris down.

JEREMY (CONT’D)
It’s a strategic game like chess.
It’s all about being two, three,
even four moves ahead.

CHRIS
Cool.
31.


JEREMY
Stand up. Let me show you
something.

MISSY
No karate at the dinner table.

JEREMY
It’s not karate.

He stumbles a little towards Chris and tries to put him in a
headlock. Chris stands.

CHRIS
I’ve got a rule. I don’t play-fight
with drunk dudes.

JEREMY
I’m just--

DEAN
--Alright enough, Jeremy.

Dean is loud and stern for the first time. Jeremy’s eyes
flutter, DRUNK and embarrassed.

JEREMY
I wasn’t going to hurt him.

He grabs a wine bottle and goes upstairs...

DEAN
Well... one more bottle?
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Rose's family and her boyfriend Chris have finished their meal, and Jeremy, Rose's brother, keeps telling embarrassing stories causing Rose to be embarrassed while Chris and everyone else find it amusing. Also, Chris gets a glimpse of Georgina, who behaves weirdly.
Strengths "Effective use of humor and dialogue to characterize each character and their relationships to one another."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear conflict or plot progression. Some of the humor may come across as insensitive or off-putting to certain viewers."
Critique The scene is well-written and showcases the dynamics between the characters effectively. However, the scene could benefit from more tension and conflict to drive the story forward. The dialogue is realistic and captures the unique personalities of each character. However, some of the jokes and antics in the scene feel forced and could be toned down to make the scene more natural. Overall, the scene is entertaining but could benefit from more suspense and less contrived humor.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Use more visual descriptions: This scene relies heavily on dialogue and the reader can get lost in who is speaking. Use more visual descriptions to better orientate the reader to the characters' locations, their body language, and facial expressions.

2. Add more conflict: The scene is lacking any real conflict, which could make it more engaging. Consider adding a disagreement or argument that the characters need to resolve in this scene.

3. Develop the characters: The characters are not well-developed in this scene, they mostly serve to deliver dialogue. Consider adding more backstory, motivation, or personality traits to make them more interesting and engaging.

4. Tighten up the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could be trimmed down to keep the scene moving forward. It could also benefit from some edits to make it more natural and flow better in conversation.

5. Use more sensory details: Use more sensory details such as the smells and flavors of the food, the clinking of glasses, and the sounds of footsteps to better immerse the reader in the scene.



Scene 10 -  Chris has a close call
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THE ESTATE. NIGHT

Full moon. CRICKETS.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chris lays in Rose’s bed looking at Rose’s computer. Rose
brushes her teeth in the bathroom. She says something
unintelligible.

ROSE
I mean, he was going to put you in
a headlock? What the fuck! He’s
never talked to any of my
boyfriends like that.

CHRIS
Mmm hmm.
32.


Chris smiles.

ROSE
And my Dad! He must’ve called you
“My man” eight times today. Eight.

CHRIS
Yep.

ROSE
Even my Mom is like borderline rude
to Georgina, right? Chris, what the
fuck?!?


Chris bites his tongue.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Well?

CHRIS
I told you so.

Rose pouts.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I wasn’t going to say it.

ROSE
Chris.

CHRIS
Come here.

Rose comes to him.

ROSE
How are you so calm?

CHRIS
Honestly. It could be so much
worse. At least they’re trying.

ROSE
They are. They love you.

CHRIS
I can tell. At the end of the day,
that’s more than can be said for a
lot of people.

He pulls her on top of him.
33.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
I like you on your racial flow tho.

They kiss.

ROSE
I’m worried about tomorrow. The
party? What if it gets worse?

CHRIS
I’m good. How bad could it be?

Chris pulls her on top of him and she kisses him.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’re minty.

They kiss again.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You know, with my genetic makeup...

They wrestle and she pulls off her shirt.


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - NIGHT

All the lights are off in the house. Crickets chirp.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - LATER

Rose sleeps, but Chris is wide awake. There’s a buzz in his
ear. He smacks his own head and sits up. A stuffed lion seems
to watch Chris from atop her dresser. He turns it away. A
soft HOWL of WIND rushes through the room. The CLOSET DOOR
CREEKS open.

Chris’ eyes drift to the pack of cigarettes sticking out of
his camera bag pocket draped on the desk chair.


INT. ARMITAGE HOME - NIGHT

Chris leaves Rose’s room and walks down the dark hallway. A
floorboard creaks under his feet. He turns down the stairs.


INT. ARMITAGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Chris gets to the bottom of the stairs. Chris continues to
walk down the hallway past the pictures towards the kitchen.
34.


INT. ARMITAGE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Chris walks through the kitchen and continues out back door
of the house.


EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

Chris steps out the back door and takes a cigarette out.
Chris looks into the vast night around him. The CRICKETS are
deafening.


Suddenly, Chris hears a RUNNING NOISE in the distance. Chris
peers out into the darkness. A moment of terror comes over
Chris. He makes out a shape. It’s now running towards him.
Chris backs up in fear. It gets closer and closer. When it’s
just 10 feet away, the moonlight reveals a now very close
Walter, the grounds keeper who continues running by. Chris
gathers his breath.

Chris turns back towards the kitchen window lights up from
inside. He finds himself face to face with Georgina who,
with teeth exposed in a frightening grimace, glares through
the window dead in Chris’ eyes. He drops his cigarette.
Caught.


INT. ARMITAGE LAUNDRY ROOM - NIGHT

Georgina sucks her teeth. She doesn’t actually see Chris at
all. She examines her teeth in the reflection in the window
which, front lit, reflects her and the room around her.
Outside is invisible.


EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Chris realizes he’s not caught. Close call. Inside Georgina
begins to do laundry. Chris quietly sneaks around the house.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris and Rose discuss the events of the day, and Chris gets worried about what's to come. Later that night, he leaves Rose's room and explores the house before a close encounter with Georgina.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Slow pace
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. However, there are a few areas where improvements could be made.

First, the dialogue between Chris and Rose feels a bit forced and unnatural. The exchange about her family's behavior towards him could use more nuance and depth. It's also unclear what the significance of Rose brushing her teeth is in this scene.

Second, the scene could benefit from more sensory details and visual cues. The sound of the crickets and wind are mentioned, but it would be helpful to know more about the setting and atmosphere. What does Rose's bedroom look and feel like? What does the moonlight create shadows on? What does Chris hear or smell as he steps out into the backyard?

Finally, the tension build-up towards the end of the scene is effective, but the revelation of Georgina's frightening appearance feels a bit abrupt and out of place. More hints or foreshadowing could be added earlier in the scene to better prepare the audience for this moment.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene needs to have a clear purpose and further the plot. It seems that this scene is just there for Chris and Rose to have a conversation and for some tension-building moments, but it could be better utilized to reveal more information about the Armitage family or the unsettling atmosphere of the estate.

Secondly, the dialogue feels awkward and unnatural at times. The conversation between Chris and Rose could be more nuanced and multi-dimensional, and it would be interesting to see them challenge each other's beliefs or discuss deeper issues related to their interracial relationship.

Thirdly, the action and description of the scene could be improved. The scene would benefit from more sensory details and vivid descriptions to enhance the suspenseful and eerie atmosphere.

Lastly, the scene could have a better transition to the next scene to maintain the continuity of the story and keep the audience engaged. One way to do this could be to add a cliffhanger or unresolved conflict that builds anticipation for the next scene.



Scene 11 -  Caught in the act
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ARMITAGE HALLWAY - NIGHT

Chris sneaks in through the door in the dark dining room.
Chris moves down the hallway past Missy’s office. The desk
lamp turns on. Missy sits inside drinking a cup of tea.

MISSY
Do you know how dangerous smoking
is, Chris?

Chris is startled; caught; for real this time.
35.


CHRIS
Yeah. Yeah I do.

MISSY
You alright?

CHRIS
Yeah, why?

MISSY
You seem a little jumpy, nervous.

CHRIS
I’m not nervous. That dude Walter
running out there scared me. And
Georg--

Georgina comes by with a teapot.

GEORGINA
Can I get you a cup.

CHRIS
Nah, I’m good. It’ll keep me up.

MISSY
Come in.

Chris comes in.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Chris sneaks into the hallway and encounters Missy drinking tea who questions him about his nervous behavior. Georgina enters the room.
Strengths
  • Tension between Chris and Missy
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear conflict
Critique Overall, the scene serves its purpose of creating tension and mystery. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved. Firstly, the scene lacks specificity in terms of character action and visual description. It would be helpful to know more about Chris's physical behavior as he sneaks down the hallway and enters the room. Adding in more details about the setting could also help to ground the scene and make it feel more immersive.

Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up. The conversation between Missy and Chris feels a bit forced, with Missy bringing up smoking seemingly out of nowhere. If there were a more organic way to introduce the topic, it would make for a more seamless conversation. Also, it may be helpful to add in more subtext to the dialogue, hinting at the underlying tensions and suspicions that are present in the characters' interactions.

In terms of formatting, it would be helpful to have some description of Missy's character in the action line before her dialogue. This would help to visualize her sitting in the office and drinking tea.

Overall, there is potential in this scene, but it could benefit from further development and refinement.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension - The scene could benefit from more tension and suspense to keep the audience engaged. One way to do this is to have Chris make a mistake or almost get caught by Missy, causing him to have to think on his feet to get out of the situation.

2. Develop the characters - It would be helpful to learn more about Missy and Chris in this scene. What motivates Missy to confront Chris about smoking, and what is Chris feeling as he sneaks through the house? These details will add depth to the characters and make the audience care more about what happens to them.

3. Use more visual description - While the dialogue is important, it can be helpful to add more visual description to give the audience a better sense of the setting and the characters' actions. For example, we could see Chris creeping down the hallway, or Missy taking a sip of her tea before speaking.

4. Reveal more information - This scene could be an opportunity to reveal more about the family and their motivations. For example, Missy could hint at the hypnotic powers we later learn she possesses, or Chris could observe something odd in the hallway that foreshadows the strange events to come.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more tension, character development, and visual description. Adding more information to help foreshadow later events could also keep the audience engaged and curious to see what happens next.



Scene 12 -  Regression Therapy
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MISSY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Georgina Missy and Chris sit across from each other. Georgina
pouring tea pot.

MISSY
I’ve got it Georgina.

GEORGINA
Of course.

Georgina leaves. Missy starts stirring sugar into her tea.


MISSY
They’re both obsessive
compulsive... They get up too
early.

CHRIS
What about you?
36.


MISSY
I just can’t sleep.

CHRIS
Me neither.

MISSY
Is it the bed?

CHRIS
Nah, the bed’s fine.

MISSY
Comfortable enough?

CHRIS
It’s perfect, thanks.

MISSY
Enough sheets?

CHRIS
Yep.

Chris’ scratches the chair. Missy notices.

MISSY
Wanna know how it works?

Missy puts two sugar cubes in her cup. She begins to stir
slowly, CLINKING the SPOON softly and rhythmically against
the sides of the cup.

TinG TINg. TinG tinG.

CHRIS
What, do you swing a pocket watch
in front of people’s faces?

MISSY
You watch a lot of Television. Now,
you are feeling very sleeepy...

TinG tinG. TinG tinG.

They share a smile.

MISSY (CONT’D)
We do use focal points sometimes,
but just about any object or simple
motion can guide someone to a state
of heightened suggestibility.
37.


CHRIS
Heightened suggestibility.

MISSY
That’s right. Why do you wanna try?

CHRIS
Nope. Definitely not for me.

MISSY
I understand. Now do you smoke in
front of Rose?

CHRIS
Huh.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
Yeah, she’s my kid...

CHRIS
Yeah, I’m gonna quit.

MISSY
What was your relationship with
your mother like?

CHRIS
Um I don’t. Wait, are you?

MISSY
Tell me, it’s alright. What was you
relationship with your mother like?

CHRIS
Yeah... She worked all the time.
She was funny. She loved me.

MISSY
Where were you when she died?

TING TING TING TING

CHRIS
I don’t wanna think about that.

MISSY
The mind goes where it wants to.

CHRIS
Home; watching TV.
38.


MISSY
And what do you hear?

CHRIS
Rain.

MISSY
It’s been raining a while.

CHRIS
Yes.

MISSY
Hear that. Hear the rain. What does
it sound like? Hear it, Hear it...
Find it... Tell me when you find
it.

The sound of RAIN AGAINST a WINDOW slowly fades up along with
the MUFFLED sound of a SITCOM ON TELEVISION.

CHRIS
Okay... Yeah, I found it.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
How old were you?

CHRIS
Eleven.

MISSY
Good. You’re eleven. Now touch.
Feel your surroundings. Feel every
part of your body and what you
touched. Feel it. Find it... Tell
me when you find it...


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

Close on 11 year old Chris’ hands scratches the bed post
nervously.


MISSY (V.O.)
Tell me when you find it.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I found it.

His toes brush the carpet as his dangling legs swing off the
57 side of his bed.
39.


TING TING. TING TING.

PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. - NIGHT

Chris’ feet try to swing but are too long. He scratches the
arm of the chair in Missy’s office.

MISSY
Are you alone?

CHRIS
Yes.

MISSY
Where’s your mom?

CHRIS
She’s late.

MISSY
Well, where is she?

CHRIS
Something’s wrong. She’s still not
home.

MISSY
What did you do?

CHRIS
Nothing.

MISSY
Nothing?

CHRIS
I just sat there.

MISSY
You didn’t call anyone?

CHRIS
No.

MISSY
Your Aunt?

CHRIS
No.

MISSY
Why not?
40.


CHRIS
I don’t know. I thought if I did,
it would make it real.

TING TING. TING TING.

MISSY
Good. Do you see it? Do you see the
phone?

Chris doesn’t answer.

MISSY (CONT’D)
You need to see it. See it. See it.
Find it.

Chris’ continues to scratch the armchair.

TING TING. TING TING


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

11-year-old Chris scratches through the wood on his bed,
splintering a piece of the wood off. He watches TV from his
bed next to some action figures. Chris looks at a telephone.

MISSY (V.O.)
Tell me when--

11-year-old Chris nods.

TING TING. TING TING.


PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. NIGHT

Chris nods and cries.

CHRIS
--I see it.

MISSY
You’re scared.

Chris nods.

MISSY (CONT’D)
(realizing)
You think it was your fault.

Chris nods.

Chris’ hand scratching the chair intensifies.
41.


CHRIS
I can’t move.

MISSY
You can’t move.

He nods.

MISSY (CONT’D)
That’s good. Now sink into the
floor.

CHRIS
Wait I--

MISSY
Sink.

TING TING...

Chris’ hand has compulsively scratched open the arm of the
chair. His hand stops. His mouth drops and eyes open, frozen.


FLASHBACK - INT. SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT

...TING TING.

Suddenly, 11-year-old Chris falls through the bed and floor.

END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary Chris participates in regression therapy with Missy and uncovers repressed memories from his childhood.
Strengths "The scene builds tension effectively and reveals more about Chris's character through his revelation of his childhood trauma."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit unnatural and forced, particularly when Missy asks Chris about his relationship with his mother."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and creates a sense of tension and unease as the characters delve into Chris’s past traumas. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon for better clarity and emotional impact.

Firstly, there are some unclear transitions between present day and flashback scenes. It may be helpful to add clearer scene headings or visual cues to differentiate between them, such as a change in lighting or camera angle.

Additionally, some of Missy’s dialogue could benefit from more specificity and subtlety in her manipulations. For example, her prompt to Chris to “sink into the floor” feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer justification or emotional trigger.

Finally, it would be helpful to have more context and character development for Chris and Missy leading up to this scene. Without knowing more about their motivations and history, it is difficult to fully invest in their interactions and emotional states. Adding more backstory or exposition earlier in the script could help to ground this scene and create a stronger emotional payoff.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more visual description and action to break up the dialogue and create more visual interest for the audience. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Consider adding more description of the setting, including the lighting and any props or set pieces that might create a more interesting visual. This will help ground the audience in the scene and make it more engaging to watch.

- Use camera angles and blocking to create more visual interest and tension in the scene. For example, the camera could close in on Missy's spoon clinking against the cup to create a sense of unease or discomfort for Chris.

- Cut down on some of the repetitive dialogue and focus on the most important points of the scene. There are a few moments where the characters repeat themselves unnecessarily, and trimming these down will help the scene move more quickly and keep the audience engaged.

- Add some physical action to break up the talking. This could include Chris fidgeting with something in the room or Missy getting up to do something while they talk. This will make the scene more dynamic and create more opportunities for visual storytelling.

- Consider adding some internal monologue or voiceover for Chris to give the audience a sense of his thoughts and feelings throughout the scene. This will help the audience connect with him on a deeper level and create more emotional impact.



Scene 13 -  In the Sunken Place
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. DARKNESS

Terror. Chris, 26 again, breathes fast but falls in slow
motion though darkness as if through water

He flails towards a pitch black abyss. He’s illuminated by
the fading blue flicker of a large downward facing TV-like
screen. On it Missy sits speaking to him and clinking her
teacup.

Missy’s voice is everywhere.


PRESENT DAY - INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. NIGHT

Chris’ body sits in his chair motionless. He can’t move. His
eyes are wide open, staring straight at Missy.
42.


INT. DARKNESS

Chris continues to slowly fall backwards away from the
screen. All of a sudden his body stops is the space. He turns
upright. He’s frozen in stasis.

CHRIS
No! NO!!! I’m done! Bring me back!
Please!!!!

He looks up. He can still see the screen above but it is far
away, like the mouth of a deep and expansive well.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Bring me back. Bring me back. Bring
me back. Bring me back. Bring me
back. Bring me back. Bring me back.


INT. MISSY’S OFFICE. CONTINUOUS

Missy stands. She walks towards Chris’ motionless body and
looks down at him through his own eyes.


INT. DARKNESS - CONTINUOUS

Chris looks up in the darkness. Missy comes towards him until
her face is close to the screen.

CHRIS
Mrs. Armitage!!!

MISSY
Now you are in the Sunken Place.

Missy reaches towards the screen and shuts his eyelids. The
abyss goes almost completely dark. Now he’s alone in the
dark. He cries in terror.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAWN

Chris wakes up with a start in Rose’s bed, sweaty and
heaving. He’s alone and confused. Bad dream? Headache.

The shower runs inside Rose’s bathroom. SHE hums.

DING DING, DING DING

He’s gotten a message. It’s a picture of Rod pretending to
pour beer in Sid’s mouth. Chris smiles. The batteries are
low. He plugs his phone in and puts it on the dresser.
43.


EXT. WOODS - DAWN

It’s Golden hour. Beautiful. Chris walks through the yard to
the edge of the forest with his camera.

Chris keeps walking. He looks through a long-zoom lens into
the wilderness. He sees a bird and snaps a picture.


EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING

He walks from the woods towards to the house. Georgina can be
seen through an upstairs window knitting. Chris raises his
camera. She stands and begins admiring herself in a mirror.
She’s beautiful. She begins to remove her wig. Then as if
aware she’s being watched, she turns towards him. Chris turns
away, taking a picture in another direction. He glances back
at the window. Georgina is gone.

Chris sees Walter working about 50 feet away in the yard. He
walks towards Walter.

CHRIS
What’s up?

No response.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
They working you good out here,
huh?

WALTER
Nothing I don’t want to be doing.

Walter is different than we’d expect. He has a bold and
assaulting energy. Like he’s concealing a deep loathing with
over the top enthusiasm. Chilling. Chris is instantly taken
aback.

CHRIS
Yeah... I never really got to meet
you actually, up close. I’m Chris.

WALTER
I know who you are. You’re Rose’s
friend.

CHRIS
Yeah. Her boyfriend actually.So,
where you from originally?

WALTER
She is lovely isn’t she?
44.


CHRIS
Rose? Yeah, she is...

WALTER
One of a kind; top of the line. A
real doggone keeper.

CHRIS
Right.

WALTER
And did it work?

CHRIS
Did what work?

WALTER
You were in Mrs. Armitage’s office
for quite some time.

CHRIS
I don’t...

Chris remembers.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Oh, yeah. Actually, I guess I had
too much wine last night. I don’t
really remember much.

WALTER
Well, I should get back to work,
and mind my own business.

Chris turns and walks away. He takes out a cigarette and puts
it in his mouth. He spits it out. Nasty.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Chris is trapped in a dark and terrifying dreamscape where Missy puts him in the 'Sunken Place.' He wakes up confused and unsettled, but attempts to distract himself by exploring the estate. He meets Walter, who makes him uneasy.
Strengths "The description of the Sunken Place is haunting and well-done. Walter's sudden change in demeanor is creepy and unsettling."
Weaknesses "The transition from the Sunken Place to real life is jarring and disorienting."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of descriptive language and setting the mood. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

First and foremost, it's unclear what is actually happening to Chris in the dark. While the scene itself is eerie and unsettling, it's not clear how it connects to the rest of the story or what the significance is. The dialogue between Chris and Missy is also confusing because it's not entirely clear what is happening to Chris. This could be clarified with more context or a clearer explanation of what's happening in the scene.

Additionally, the scene switches abruptly from the darkness to present day, which is jarring for the reader. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition to make it clear that we're now in a different moment or location.

Finally, the scene ends on a rather mundane note with Chris walking through the woods and talking to Walter. While this is a nice way to show the passage of time and establish the setting, it doesn't add much to the story and could be shortened or streamlined to make room for more plot-focused scenes.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the sense of urgency and danger in the scene in which Chris falls through darkness. The slow-motion falling should be more intense and disorienting, with ethereal sounds and a sense of impending doom to build suspense.
2. Clarify why Chris is frozen in stasis and why he can't move. Is this a side effect of Missy's hypnosis? Is it a physical manifestation of his fear and vulnerability? Make the reason more clear to the audience.
3. Emphasize the horror elements in the scene by making Missy's actions feel more malevolent and eerie. Instead of simply walking towards Chris' motionless body and looking down at him, have her do something that increases the sense of horror, such as whispering in his ear or holding his hand.
4. Provide more context for the "Sunken Place" and why it's such a terrifying fate. What happens to a person when they're trapped there? Is there a way to escape? Make this concept more concrete and flesh it out.
5. Slow down the pace of the scene in which Chris wakes up in Rose's bed and add more elements of confusion and disorientation. Show him looking around the room more, perhaps focusing on items that indicate he's not where he thought he was (e.g. unfamiliar decor, clothing that isn't his own).
6. Make the interaction with Walter more tense by having Chris pick up on Walter's aggressive energy earlier in the conversation. Perhaps Walter could glare at Chris or make a threatening gesture, setting up a sense of unease that builds throughout the conversation.



Scene 14 -  Hypnotized and Hostility
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Chris enters as Rose finishes blow drying her hair. He’s
worked up.

ROSE
Hi. Where have you been?

CHRIS
Out. Taking pictures. Hey, I think
your mom hypnotized me last night.

ROSE
Wait, what?
45.


CHRIS
(hazy)
Yeah, I must’ve gone out for some
air and run into her. I can barely
remember any of it, but now the
thought of a cigarette makes me
wanna throw up.

Rose tries to hide slight amusement.

ROSE
I’m sorry. I just can’t believe she
did that.

CHRIS
I had some fucked up dreams.

ROSE
Of what?

CHRIS
I was in a hole or something. I
couldn’t move.

ROSE
That happened to me too. When I was
a kid. She hypnotized me
once for stage fright, and I had
the craziest nightmares. It did
work though...

CHRIS
Yeah. Yeah, it worked. Hey, what’s
Walter’s deal?

ROSE
What do mean?

WALTER
I just talked to him. Dude’s whole
vibe was hostile.

ROSE
What do you mean?

CHRIS
I don’t know. Maybe he likes you.
Maybe he’s jealous or something?

ROSE
I’ve never gotten that... But, if
you think I have a chance..

Chris looks at her.
46.


ROSE (CONT’D)
I’ll talk to my Dad about it.

CHRIS
No, no, no. Don’t talk to your Dad.
It’s fine. It’s fine.

ROSE
I like that you’re threatened by
him.

CHRIS
I’m not threatened.

Rose hears and looks. Out the window, A PROCESSION OF CARS
DRIVES onto the front yard. Chris looks as well.

ROSE
Okay. Here we go; It begins...


EXT. BACKYARD - NOON

The party is in full swing. The 30 or so guests mingle
excitedly. They are all white except for one Japanese man. A
few play horse shoes. Georgina places Hors d’oeuvres.

Rose and Chris walk through the party.

Chris glances through the kitchen window where Missy
entertains some guests. She makes eye contact with Chris and
then looks away.

Chris and Rose are stopped by GORDON GREENE, 68, and his wife
EMILY GREENE, 67. Gordon is a cute man with a cane and
impish excitement. Emily is pretty and birdlike. They watch
Chris intently and smile from ear to ear. Gordon shakes
Chris’ hand thoroughly.

GORDON
Nice to meet you, Chris. Nice to
meet you indeed.
(to Emily)
Good grip.

CHRIS
Thanks. You too.

GORDON
You ever play golf?

CHRIS
Once, actually; a few years ago. I
wasn’t very good.
47.


EMILY
Gordon was a professional golfer
for years.

CHRIS
Oh? No kidding.

GORDON
Can’t quite swing the hips like I
used to though. You know: I know
Tiger.

Rose and Chris share a subtle smirk.

ROSE CHRIS
Wow, that’s great. Cool.

EMILY
Gordon loves Tiger.

GORDON
Best I’ve ever seen. Ever, hands
down. Let’s see your form.

Chris humors him.

GORDON (CONT’D)
If I knew what I know now at your
age? Now then I could really play.

CHRIS
It’d be kind of a waste of time
travel though.

They laugh.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Chris tells Rose about his experience of being hypnotized by her mother. They both discuss Walter's strange behavior, and the party begins with Chris meeting Gordon. Gordon and Chris discuss golf and Rose listens along.
Strengths "Good use of dialogue to reveal character traits and backstory, and setting the stage for future conflicts."
Weaknesses "Not much action or plot advancement in this scene."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that captures the tension and discomfort that Chris feels in this situation. However, there are a few points that could be improved:

1. The dialogue could be more natural. Some of the lines feel a bit forced or stilted. For example, when Chris says "Out. Taking pictures," it feels like he's avoiding the question rather than providing a plausible answer. Similarly, when Gordon asks to see Chris's golf form, Chris's response feels a bit too perfect: "It'd be kind of a waste of time travel though."

2. The exposition could be more organic. In this scene, we learn a lot of new information about Rose's family and their history with hypnosis. While it's important to establish this background, it could be done in a way that feels more natural and less like an info dump. For example, Rose could mention her stage fright herself, rather than Chris bringing it up randomly.

3. The scene could benefit from more description and visual detail. While we get a sense of the action and dialogue, there's not much description of the setting or the characters' body language. This would help to create a more immersive and cinematic experience for the reader.

Overall, this is a solid scene that advances the plot and builds tension between the characters. With some minor tweaks to the dialogue, exposition, and description, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions 1. Add more tension and conflict in the scene. Currently, the scene feels stagnant with very little conflict. Consider adding a character with a conflicting goal or agenda.

2. There is an opportunity to deepen the character development of Chris and Rose. It might be worth exploring why Chris is worked up and what it is about Rose's mother's hypnosis that affected him. The script could also delve into Rose's relationship with her father and why she wants to talk to him about Walter.

3. Use the visuals to create a more immersive experience. Rather than relying on dialogue, show the characters interacting with the party guests and give the audience a better sense of the atmosphere.

4. Consider tightening up the dialogue and removing any unnecessary exposition. The audience does not need to know that the majority of the party guests are white or that Emily is "birdlike." These details do not add to the plot or character development.



Scene 15 -  Awkward Conversations and Racial Tensions
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose speak to NELSON DEETS, 82, who’s smiles in a
wheelchair with an oxygen mask, and LISA DEETS, 54, a loose-
lipped trophy wife smiles at Chris in a predatory manner. She
has a Dutch accent.


LISA
(to Rose)
How handsome is he?

ROSE
Extremely.

Lisa squeezes Chris’ bicep. A bit too familiar.
48.


LISA
Not bad huh, Nelson?

Nelson just stares.

LISA (CONT’D)
(to Rose)
So, is it true? The love making. Is
it better?


Rose cackles at the bluntness of the question. Chris almost
chokes on his drink. Lisa continues to size Chris up.

CHRIS
Wow. Um...

LISA
(to Rose)
I’m being too forward?

ROSE
We’ll talk later.

CHRIS
Oh, will you now?


EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose talk to PARKER DRAY, 60, and APRIL DRAY, 57.
They are a rose-cheeked tipsy wasp couple. Chris and Rose try
to mask boredom and annoyance.

APRIL
Who even cares about skin color? My
God.

CHRIS
A lot of people do.--

PARKER
I told you, April. The world cares,
It’s human nature to care. It’s not
like one’s better than the other.
When you look at the big picture,
you’ll see its always shifting. The
question of “What skin color is
more “culturally advantageous” that
is.

ROSE
I’m sorry... What are you saying?
49.


PARKER
Well take this country. Fairer skin
has been in favor the first couple
of hundreds of years, but the
pendulum has swung back again
hasn't it..? Black is “in fashion!”

CHRIS
Pardon me. I’m going to take some
pictures.

Chris walks away.

PARKER
I didn’t mean to offend him.

ROSE
Really? ‘Cause you have yet to say
anything that’s not a convoluted
blanket statement about race.

PARKER
Now Rose...

Chris steps into the party to take pictures. He snaps a
couple pictures of mingling guests. HE hears a group cackle.

He sees Dean schmoozing animatedly with three couples and the
Japanese man. Dean quickly scans the party, finds Chris and
points him out. The three couples wave and smile giddily.
They had all just been talking about him. Chris pretends to
not see this.

Suddenly, Chris sees another black guy in a particularly
square ascot and golfing hat. The man stands at the bar and
faces away from Chris. Relief.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Chris and Rose navigate through uncomfortable conversations at the party, with Lisa Deets flirting with Chris and asking about their sex life, and Parker Dray making ignorant comments about race. Chris catches some guests talking about him and sees another black guy at the party.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the awkwardness and discomfort of the conversations and the tension surrounding race. The dialogue is witty and realistic."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks substantial plot development and there are no major revelations."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and characterization. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the introduction of Lisa Deets feels a bit abrupt and her predatory behavior towards Chris seems forced. It could be helpful to add more context to their relationship or find a more natural way to introduce her.

Secondly, the conversation between Parker and April Dray feels a bit heavy-handed in terms of discussing race. While it is important to address the topic, the dialogue could benefit from more nuance and subtlety.

Finally, the scene ends on a bit of a cliffhanger with the introduction of the other black guy at the bar. It could be helpful to provide more context as to why Chris is relieved to see him.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening of dialogue and deeper exploration of character motivation.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider giving more specific actions for the characters. Right now, there are a lot of dialogue exchanges without much description of what the characters are doing physically. Adding more of these details can make the scene feel more dynamic and visual.
- Be mindful of the dialogue's pacing. Some characters, especially Lisa, speak in long, meandering sentences that might slow down the scene's momentum. Consider trimming or restructuring some of the dialogue so that it's more concise and impactful.
- Look for opportunities to add conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, the interactions between the characters feel relatively low-stakes. Consider adding more obstacles or disagreements to increase the dramatic tension.
- Consider whether all of the characters in the scene are necessary. It might be worth paring down the number of characters or consolidating their roles to make the scene more focused and streamlined.



Scene 16 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER

The man stands by the bar and makes himself a Martini. Chris
approaches him.

CHRIS
It’s good to see another brother
around here.

The man turns to face Chris neatly. It is Andre, the jogger
from the first scene, but he’s very different than before.
He seems glazed-over with the same frozen smile as Walter and
Georgina. Andre’s voice is completely different from the
first scene. There is no longer any trace of an urban
dialect. He speaks slowly and softly, enunciating his words
precisely.
50.


ANDRE
Yes, of course it is.

Chris expects Andre to engage more. He doesn’t. He just
stares at him smiling.

CHRIS
Who do you know?

Chris expects Andre to engage more. He doesn’t. He just
stares at him smiling.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Who do you know?

ANDRE
Why, the Armitage’s of course.
We’re friends of the family.

PHILOMENA(60), Caucasian, a stern and guarded wealthy woman,
cuts between them.

PHILOMENA
(to Andre)
There you are. Here, put this
somewhere.

Philomena hands her napkin to Andre who pockets it
obediently. Philomena places her hand on Andre’s back
possessively.

PHILOMENA (CONT’D)
(to Chris)
Oh, hello. I’m Philomena... and you
are...?

CHRIS
Chris. Rose’s boyfriend.

PHILOMENA
Fantastic. You really make a lovely
couple.

ANDRE
I’m sorry, where are my manners.
Logan, Logan King.
(to Philomena)
Chris was just telling me that he
felt more comfortable with my being
here.


Chris is let down. Andre isn’t what he had hoped.
51.


PHILOMENA
That’s nice. Logan, I hate to tear
you away, dear, but the Wincott’s
were asking about you.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Ah, well it was nice meeting you
Chris.

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris holds out his fist for Andre/Logan to bump.
Andre/Logan grabs Chris’ fist.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Tootles.

Andre/Logan and Philomena laugh and walk away. They join a
small group of people who applaud Andre’s arrival. Andre does
a little spin showing off his clothes.


EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER

Chris comes looking for Rose. He is more creeped out and
agitated. Dean projects over the crowd.

DEAN
Hello!

Everyone applauds and gives Dean their attention.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ahem! If I can have your attention
for a moment. Words cannot express
how much it would mean to my father
that after all these years we can
all still get together like this.

Dean sees Chris.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Oh, actually first, everyone this
is my daughter’s boyfriend Chris.

Everyone turns to Chris. Too much attention.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Chris is a fantastic photographer
and an all around good kid. If you
haven’t met him yet, make sure you
introduce yourself to him at some
time during the party.
52.


Chris sees a man sits alone by the gazebo. His Chauffeur
walks away. Chris walks over to the man as Dean speaks to the
crowd.

DEAN (CONT’D)
You know, if Dad were alive, I know
he would remind us of how the
knights of old would gather in
honor of a new crusade. He’d ask us
to remember that though they’d
massed great fortunes, the Templar
lived lives of humility. So as we
gather here today in celebration,
let us not forget that our mission
is far from over. In fact it’s just
beginning. And in the years to come
let us not forget the sacrifices
that have been made so long ago so
that we might enjoy this wine, and
these games. So for now let us
drink to the dawn of a new era. One
that has been given to us by the
generations before us. Thank you.
Cheers.
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and serves its purpose in moving the story forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Chris and Andre is repetitive with Chris asking the same question twice and Andre giving the same response both times. This could be condensed to make the conversation more engaging.

Secondly, the description of Philomena as a "stern and guarded wealthy woman" feels cliché and could be fleshed out more to make her character more interesting.

Thirdly, the speech by Dean feels a bit heavy-handed in its attempt to establish the theme of the film. It could be more subtle and integrated into the dialogue and action of the scene.

Overall, the scene effectively establishes the eerie and unsettling atmosphere of the party and hints at the underlying themes and conflicts of the film. With some minor tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions 1. Character Development: The audience needs to know more about the characters and their motivations. Right now, Andre seems to have undergone a drastic transformation from the first scene, and it's unclear why. It would be helpful if there were more clues or hints to explain this change. Also, Chris's character could be fleshed out more to help the audience identify with his thoughts and feelings.

2. Dialogue: The dialogue needs to be more natural and flow more smoothly. Some of the lines feel forced or repetitive (e.g. "Chris expects Andre to engage more. He doesn't. He just stares at him smiling.") Consider removing unnecessary dialogue and adding more depth to the conversations to help reveal character motivations.

3. Pacing: The scene could benefit from more action or movement to break up the stagnant dialogue. Consider adding in physical actions or interactions between characters to keep the scene dynamic.

4. Setting: The setting could be more descriptive to help set the tone and mood of the scene. For example, what are the other guests doing? Is there music playing? Are there any visual cues that could add to the atmosphere of the scene?

5. Purpose: The scene needs to have a clearer purpose and function in the overall story. Why is this scene important for the character's development or the plot? What information or clues does it reveal to the audience? These questions should be addressed to ensure the scene isn't just filler.



Scene 17 -  Chris meets Jim Hudson and plays badminton
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. GAZEBO. DAY.

During Dean’s speech, Chris wanders away from the group.

JIM
Ignorance...

Chris hadn’t seen Jim Hudson, the blind man, who sits in
front of the gazebo with his seeing eye dog. He is close to
Chris, but far enough away from the group that no one else
hears them.

CHRIS
Who?

JIM
All of them. They mean well but
they have no idea what real people
go through.


CHRIS
I guess people only see what’s in
front of them.

Chris notices his faux pas.
53.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
I mean...

JIM
You’re right. And usually not even
that much. That’s people. Jim
Hudson.

CHRIS
Chris-

JIM
I know who you are. I’m an admirer
of your work; you have a great
eye...

CHRIS
Wait. Jim Hudson... of Hudson
Galleries?

Jim smiles.

JIM
Believe me. The irony of being a
blind art dealer isn’t lost on me.

CHRIS
How do you do it?

JIM
My assistant describes work to me
in great detail. You’ve got
something... The images you
capture... so brutal; I mean... so
melancholic. Powerful stuff. I
think.

CHRIS
Thank you.

JIM
I used to dabble myself.
Wilderness mostly. I submitted to
Nat Geo 14 times before realizing I
didn’t have “the eye” for it. No
one took me seriously in the art
world until I began dealing and
then, of course, my vision went to
shit.

The party guests APPLAUD the end of Dean’s speech.

CHRIS
Damn.
54.


JIM
I know. Life can be a sick joke.
One day you're developing prints in
a dark room, and the next day -
BAM. You wake up in the dark.
Genetic disease.

CHRIS
Shit ain’t fair, man.

JIM
You got that right. Shit ain’t
fair.

Jeremy comes over with his preppy friend, Derrick, 29.

JEREMY
Chris, we were hoping we could
borrow you. I need to kick
someone’s ass in Badminton.

Chris rolls his eyes.

CHRIS
(to Jim)
Nice to meet you.

Chris, Jeremy and Derrick begin to leave.

JIM
Stop by the gallery. Bout time you
had a solo show.

CHRIS
Really? Wow, okay. Thank you. That
would be a game changer.

JEREMY
We’ll get together some time.


EXT. BACKYARD - LATER

Chris and Rose play badminton against Jeremy and Derrick.
Chris is actually having fun. He swings big but misses the
shuttlecock.

JEREMY
HA! Come on, come on, come on. You
can do better than that, Bruh!

CHRIS
Not my game.
55.


JEREMY
Thought you didn’t have a game.

ROSE
Shut up Jeremy.

JEREMY
I’m just saying, if your boy isn’t
gonna bring even a little heat, we
might as well bring one of Grandpas
old friends up here.

CHRIS
Whoa, whoa, okay. Now we talkin’
smack huh?

JEREMY
Your serve.

Chris serves the shuttlecock hard. The following rally is
long. As they play the more and more guests come over to
watch. They aren’t following the shuttlecock as much as
watching Chris. Chris ends it with an impressive diving swat.
Derrick misses the return and the crowd goes wild. Chris
throws his arms up in celebration.

CHRIS
Boom!

ROSE
Yay, baby!

JEREMY
That’s what I’m talking about!!!
Okay, I see you dog! I see you!
Again!


Chris is about to serve. He scans the crowd of beaming faces.
Everyone is rooting for Chris. They love him. Chris scans
the crowd. It’s too much.

CHRIS
Hold up. Here.

ROSE
Where are you--

CHRIS
I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Chris gives his racket to Gordon Greene.
56.


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Chris walks through the kitchen.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris meets Jim Hudson, a blind art dealer, who compliments his work. They discuss the unfairness of life before Chris goes to play badminton with Jeremy and Derrick. As Chris performs well in the game, the crowd cheers for him, causing Chris to feel overwhelmed and leave to go to the bathroom.
Strengths "The scene has strong dialogue and character development, particularly with the interaction between Chris and Jim."
Weaknesses "The badminton game feels like a slightly forced way to bring attention to Chris. There is also a lack of conflict or emotional impact in the scene."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written, but there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, there is no clear reason for Chris to wander off during Dean's speech. The reason could be clarified to add more purpose to the scene.

Secondly, the dialogue between Chris and Jim feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could benefit from a more organic exchange.

Thirdly, the description of the badminton game could be more fleshed out. Specific details of the game could add more tension and excitement to the scene.

Finally, the transition from the conversation between Chris and Jim to the badminton game could be smoother. It feels abrupt and sudden.

Overall, the scene has potential, but could benefit from some revisions.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and establishes a connection between Chris and Jim Hudson, a blind art dealer. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to further develop this interaction and add more depth to the characters.

1. Clarify Chris’s motivations for wandering away from the group during Dean’s speech. Is he bored? Disinterested? Is he seeking solitude or a cigarette? Providing more clarity can add depth to Chris’s character and increase the emotional engagement of the audience.

2. Expand on Jim’s backstory. While his struggle is hinted at, more detail can be added to explain how he became a blind art dealer and how this affected his life and career. This can add to the complexity of his character and make the audience even more invested in his story.

3. Increase the interaction between Chris and Jim. While they have a brief conversation, it feels cut short and incomplete. By having their discussion flow more naturally and longer, the connection between them can be made even stronger. Perhaps Chris can ask more about Jim’s artwork or his approach to dealing art, allowing the two to bond over their shared passion.

4. Add more conflict to the badminton game. While the game is entertaining, having more tension or conflict between the players can add drama to the scene and make it more engaging. For example, maybe Jeremy and Derrick start playing dirty or make fun of Chris for missing too many shots.

By making these updates to the scene, it can become an even more impactful and memorable moment in the overall script.



Scene 18 -  Unplugged Phone
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ARMITAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chris slips past several small groups of guests mingling. He
goes up the stairs to the second floor.

As soon as he is out of sight and earshot, the mingling
guests stop in mid-conversation. Everyone in the room waits
and listens to Chris’ footsteps above. It is now clear that
their conversations have been fake. They are all hanging on
Chris’ actions.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris walks to Rose’ room.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Chris enters Rose’s room. The bed is made. He picks his
phone up from the dresser. It’s unplugged and out of
batteries. That’s odd. He plugs it in again as he hears a
CREAK down the hall.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris leaves Rose’s room. Across the hallway is a crack open.
Chris slowly walks down the hall, and peers inside. He sees a
couple hip hop posters, lacrosse trophies and jujitsu.
Jeremy’s room. Movement inside. It’s Georgina making the bed.


INT. ARMITAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Rose enters looking for Chris. Everyone is mingling again.
She goes upstairs.


INT. ARMITAGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Chris looks in Jeremy’s room. The door creaks alerting
Georgina of his presence, she turns slowly. Before she sees
him he walks quickly back to Rose’s room just as she comes
upstairs.

ROSE
Hey.
57.


Chris waves for her to join him back in her room.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

ROSE
Hey, what the fuck? You left me out
there.

Chris speaks quietly and frantically to Rose.

CHRIS
She unplugged my phone.

ROSE
Who?

CHRIS
Georgina. I’m trying to check in
with Rod, and I got no juice.

ROSE
So... Why would she do that?

CHRIS
Maybe she doesn’t like the fact
that I’m with you.

ROSE
(Not buying it)
Really?

CHRIS
What? It’s a thing.

ROSE
I mean, she shouldn’t be unplugging
peoples phones, but I don’t think
she would do that on purpose.

CHRIS
Forget it. Nevermind.

ROSE
No. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me
out like that... Don’t do that to
me. We’re a Badminton team.

CHRIS
Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. It’s all
good. I’ll just plug it back in and
I’ll be down in a minute, okay?
58.


ROSE
Okay... Say hi to Rod and Sid for
me.


INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - DAY

Rod lies on the couch with Sid watching TV.

ROD
Oh, they got you on display?


INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Chris goes upstairs to Rose's room to check his phone but finds it unplugged and out of battery. He suspects Georgina of unplugging it and tries to check in with Rod but can't. Chris and Rose discuss the situation and Chris eventually goes to check with Rod and Sid.
Strengths "The tension building up with the unplugged phone and the suspicion of Georgina adds to the mystery and thriller elements of the scene. The dialogue between Chris and Rose is tense and emotional, revealing more about their relationship."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't reveal anything new about the plot or characters that we didn't already know or suspect."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon:

1. Lack of visual description: The scene lacks visual description which limits the reader's ability to picture the setting, characters, and their emotions. It is recommended to add more detail and description to enhance the reader's experience.

2. Too much dialogue: The scene has a lot of dialogue and not enough action. It's important to have a balance between dialogue and action to keep the story moving forward and maintain the audience's interest.

3. Lack of tension: The scene doesn't have enough tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged. Adding more tension and conflict between the characters can make the scene more captivating.

4. Lack of character development: The scene doesn't provide much insight into the characters' personalities, and their actions don't reveal their motivations. Adding more character development can make the story more compelling.

5. Unclear purpose: It's unclear what the purpose of the scene is. It doesn't serve to advance the plot, or reveal anything significant about the characters. It's important to ensure that each scene in a script serves a purpose and moves the story forward.
Suggestions INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Chris plugs in his phone and starts texting Rod.


CHRIS
Yeah. And Georgina unplugged my
phone.

ROD (V.O.)
Why?

CHRIS
Dunno.

ROD (V.O.)
Dude, they're lying to you.


INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - DAY

Chris sighs and looks worried.

ROD (V.O.)
You need to get out of there, man.

CHRIS
Yeah... I’m working on it.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Chris puts his phone in his pocket and takes a deep breath.

CHRIS
(to himself)
Get the fuck out of here.



Scene 19 -  Hypnotism and Prejudice
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ROSE’S ROOM - SAME TIME

Chris is alone in Rose’s room. He peers out the window.

CHRIS
It’s so weird, man. It’s like some
of these people never met a black
dude that doesn’t work for them.

ROD
Yup. You in it now.

CHRIS
Also, shit, I don’t even wanna tell
you.

ROD
What?

CHRIS
I got hypnotized last night...

ROD
Nigga, what the fuck?

CHRIS
Yeah, to quit smoking. Rose’s mom
is a psychiatrist--

ROD
I don’t give a fuck if a bitch is
Dr. Phil. You ain’t getting in my
head.

CHRIS
I know. She caught me off guard.
But it’s cool. I mean, it worked.
59.


ROD
Nope. That’s some scary shit. Who
knows what they gonna make you do.
White people into some crazy sex
slave shit. You know that right?

Chris laughs.

CHRIS
Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re not a
kinky sex family--

ROD
Why not? Jeffery Dahmer ate
niggas’ heads, but that was after
he fucked the heads. You think
they saw that shit coming? Hell no.
One second they think they just
gonna suck some dick, next second
they sucking dick but their head
isn’t on their body, Chris

CHRIS
And thanks for that image, right
there.

ROD
I saw that on A&E, so that’s real
life.

CHRIS
It’s the black people out here too
though. It’s like their living in a
different era.

ROD
Maybe they got hypnotized--

CHRIS
(dry)
Ha ha--

ROD
I’m just connecting the dots you
presenting me with. The mom puttin’
trances on niggas and fuckin’ them.
It’s clear as day and that’s fucked
up. She hot?

CHRIS
What’s fucked up is: You’re the
first line of defense against
terrorism.
60.


ROD
Don’t say I didn’t warn you ‘cause
my ass sure as Hell ain’t coming up
to the country to save you from no
fuckin’ witch coven... Unless the
mom’s really hot. On a scale of one
to ten--

CHRIS
Thanks Rod, bye.

Chris hangs up and turns. Georgina stands in the doorway,
eerie smile and all. Chris is startled.

GEORGINA
Hello.

CHRIS
Hi.

Georgina’s voice is shaky and careful. Pleasant on top, but
angry underneath.

GEORGINA
I owe you an apology. How rude of
me to have touched your belongings
without asking.

CHRIS
Oh, no. It’s cool. I was just
confused.

GEORGINA
Just so you know, there was no
funny business, allow me to
explain. I had lifted your cellular
phone this morning in order to wipe
down the dresser and it
accidentally came undone.

CHRIS
Yeah, I--

GEORGINA
Rather than meddle with it further,
I left it that way. How foolish of
me.

CHRIS
No. It’s fine. I wasn’t tryin’ to
snitch...

GEORGINA
Snitch?
61.


CHRIS
Rat you out?

GEORGINA
“tattletale.”

CHRIS
Yeah.

GEORGINA
Don’t worry about that. I assure
you, I don’t answer to anyone.

CHRIS
Right... Well, all I know is
sometimes, being around too many
white people makes me nervous.

He’s half joking. Georgina doesn’t laugh. Instead eyes get
lost for a moment. A tear falls down her face as if there is
a pain behind her otherwise vacant smile.

GEORGINA
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no... Aren’t
you something? That’s not my
experience. Not at all. The
Armitages are so good to us; They
treat us like family.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Satire"]

Summary Chris discusses being hypnotized by Rose's mom with his friend Rod and then has an odd interaction with Georgina, who denies feeling uncomfortable around white people despite a tear falling down her face.
Strengths "The comedic banter between Chris and Rod is entertaining and adds levity to the tense atmosphere. Georgina's odd behavior creates an air of intrigue."
Weaknesses "The plot doesn't advance significantly in this scene and it's unclear what Georgina's tear signifies."
Critique This scene is an example of strong dialogue writing with good back-and-forth banter between the characters. However, it is important to consider the context and tone of the scene within the larger story. This scene takes place in the horror film "Get Out" and the conversation is a reflection of the larger themes of race and manipulation.

The dialogue effectively explores the discomfort and unease that the black protagonist, Chris, feels as the only black person in a predominantly white environment and the paranoia of being subjected to manipulation. The character of Rod provides some comic relief while also acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.

Georgina's entrance into the scene is unnerving and adds to the tension of the scene. Her unease and vulnerability contrasts with the cheerful demeanor and provides a hint that all is not what it seems with the Armitage family.

Overall, this scene effectively conveys the tension, paranoia, and unease that underlies the larger themes of the film. The dialogue is strong and adds to the characterization and atmosphere of the scene.
Suggestions Firstly, the dialogue between Chris and Rod could be tightened up to make it more focused and punchy. The conversation meanders a bit and could benefit from more concise exchanges.

Secondly, the scene with Georgina feels a bit out of place. The tension built up in the previous conversation is cut off abruptly and the sudden emotional reveal from Georgina feels forced. It may be better to save this type of moment for a later scene where it can be explored more thoroughly.

Thirdly, the description of the scene could be improved to make it more vivid and engaging for the reader. This could include adding more sensory details or focusing on the character's reactions and emotions to build tension and suspense.



Scene 20 -  Uncomfortable Interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. BACKYARD - AFTERNOON

Chris walks back into the back yard where Dean entertains
seven people Chris hasn’t met. They turn as Chris approaches
smiling eagerly. They all seem to share a private joke.


DEAN
Chris! There you are, my brother.
I wanted to introduce you to some
old friends. We’ll do it quickly.
Down the line: David and Marcia
Wincott, Ronald and Celia Jeffries,
Hiroki Tanaka, and Fredrich and
Jessika Walden.

Each couple - DAVID and MARCIA, RONALD and CELIA, HIROKI,
FREDRICH and JESSIKA - waves as they are name.

CHRIS
Too many names to remember but,
hi...

The couples all laugh nervously.
62.


HIROKI
(to Dean in Japanese)
Can we ask him questions?

DEAN
(in Japanese)
Of course.

HIROKI
Do you find that being African
American has more advantages or
disadvantages in the modern world?

Chris pans the crowd who all give him their undivided
attention. The silence is long. He looks for Rose. She is off
talking to someone.

CHRIS
Yeah, I don’t know, man.

They all smile like hungry vampires. Chris is very
uncomfortable with this unprovoked group interrogation.
Andre/Logan and Philomena approach.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
That’s actually a great question.
Logan! They were asking me about
the African American experience.
Maybe you could take this one.


Andre/Logan is a little caught off guard but dives in.

ANDRE/LOGAN
My life as an African American has
been, for the most part, very good.
It’s hard to be too specific as I
haven’t much desired to leave the
house in a while.

The crowd chuckles. Chris takes out his phone.

PHILOMENA
We’ve become homebodies...

ANDRE/LOGAN
(to Philomena)
But recently, even when you go to
the city, I’ve just had no
interest.
(to the group)
The chores are my sanctu--
63.



With the attention on Andre/Logan, Chris raises his phone
toward Andre/Logan and the group and snaps a picture. The
flash pops.

CHRIS
Shit.

Everyone turns to Chris. Andre/Logan steps forward and looks
at Chris oddly; His head cocks a little and his peaceful
expression drifts slowly to maddened horror. Some of the
party guests gasp.

PHILOMENA
Logan?

Andre/Logan drops his glass and stumbles towards Chris. Chris
backs up, but Andre is already up in his space.

ANDRE
Get out.

Andre/Logan’s voice is higher and scratchy, like it was in
the first scene.

CHRIS
Hey, man, I’m sorry, I--

Andre/Logan grabs Chris by the shoulders and screams shrilly.
Blood trickles out of his nose.

ANDRE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!

Philomena and Jeremy grab Andre. They have to pry
Andre/Logan’s grip off of Chris. When they do Andre/Logan
screams bloodcurdlingly. It takes all their strength to
bring him into the house. Missy follows.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris is introduced to a group of strangers by Dean and is asked an uncomfortable question about being African American. When he tries to pass the question off to Andre/Logan, Chris accidentally takes a flash photo which triggers Andre/Logan's inner conflict, resulting in a violent outburst.
Strengths "The scene does an effective job of building tension and discomfort leading up to the explosive outburst from Andre\/Logan."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more context and development of the characters in the group."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing tension and foreshadowing the horror elements of the story. However, there are some areas that could be strengthened.

Firstly, the introduction of the group of strangers feels a bit rushed and forced. It might be helpful to have a quick establishing shot of Chris entering the backyard and seeing the group before Dean introduces them. This would give the audience a moment to orient themselves and understand the situation.

Additionally, the question posed by Hiroki feels a bit contrived. It might make more sense if the characters were already discussing racial issues before Hiroki asks his question, rather than it being completely out of the blue.

The dialogue in this scene generally feels natural, but there are a few moments where it could be tightened up. For example, when Chris says "Too many names to remember," it feels like a bit of a throwaway line that doesn't add anything to the scene. It might be more interesting if he had some sort of reaction to the names that reveals something about his character or his relationship to Dean.

Finally, the moment where Chris takes a picture and Andre/Logan reacts violently is the highlight of the scene. However, it might be helpful to make the tension leading up to that moment even more palpable. Perhaps Chris could be feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the group's questions, or there could be some other signal that something is about to go wrong.

Overall, this scene does a good job of building suspense and setting up the horror elements of the story. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the characters: The scene introduces several new characters, but we don't learn much about them. Consider giving each couple a defining characteristic or backstory that can help the audience connect with them.

2. Build tension: The interrogation of Chris feels sudden and random. Consider foreshadowing this event earlier in the script, or having other characters hint at their interest in Chris's racial identity. Also, consider making the silence after Hiroki's question even longer, to build tension and discomfort.

3. Clarify motivations: It's unclear why Andre/Logan reacts so violently to Chris taking a photo. Consider adding a line or two that explains why this action triggers such a strong response.

4. Show, don't tell: When Andre/Logan screams shrilly, it's not clear what's happening. Consider adding a description of how his voice changes or what his physical reaction is.

5. Use Rose: The scene establishes that Chris is uncomfortable being interrogated, but it doesn't give Rose much to do. Consider having her play a more active role in diffusing the situation or supporting Chris.



Scene 21 -  Seizure or Possession?
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Rose sits on the couch arms crossed. Chris comforts her but
is clearly traumatized. A few other concerned guests mill
around. Dean enters and CLEARS HIS THROAT. Everyone gives him
their attention.

ROSE
What the fuck was that?

DEAN
It was a seizure.
64.


ROSE
A seizure?

CHRIS
Why did he come at me like that?

DEAN
Seizures can have a wide range of
effects.

ROSE
Yeah, but randomly attacking
people?

DEAN
The flash on your phone must have
triggered it. Andre/Logan enters
with Missy and Philomena to a
smattering of concerned applause.
Jeremy follows.


Andre/Logan enters with Missy and Philomena to a smattering
of concerned applause. Jeremy follows.

Andre/Logan addresses a group in his “Logan” voice. Chris now
looks at him like he recognizes him.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Well, I do believe I owe you all an
apology.

The group grumbles.

MISSY
We’re just glad you’re feeling
yourself again.


ANDRE/LOGAN
Well yes I am. Thank God you were
here to calm me down. I know I
scared you all quite a bit..
Especially you, Chris.

CHRIS
No, I’m sorry; the flash... I
didn’t know.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Of course not. How could you have?
65.


PHILOMENA
(to Andre/Logan)
You shouldn’t have been drinking
either.

ANDRE/LOGAN
Right. Now you’ll all have to
proceed without the aid of my
marvelous wit; the whole ordeal has
left me a quite a bit exhausted.

The group chuckles.

DEAN
Of course.

ANDRE/LOGAN
It was nice meeting you.

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris is skeptical.

MISSY
(to Dean)
Something to brighten the mood?

Missy shows Philomena and Logan out. Andre and Philomena
leave.

DEAN
Yes! I think it’s time for my dad’s
favorite... sparklers and BINGO.

JEREMY
Yes, Bingo!

The group applauds. Dean gives Rose and Chris sparklers.

ROSE
We’re going on a walk.

Rose grabs Chris’ hand and leads him out the front door. He
pulls away from her as they leave.


EXT. THE WOODS - AFTERNOON

Rose and Chris walk by the lake. Their sparklers fizzle.

CHRIS
My cousin is epileptic. That wasn’t
a seizure.
66.


ROSE
I mean... my dad is a neurosurgeon.

CHRIS
How long have you known that guy?

ROSE
Not at all. I’ve known Philomena
since I was little, her husband
died last year. Logan is new...
Why?

CHRIS
I don’t know. This is gonna sound
weird, but when he got up in my
face like that, I got this feeling
like I knew him.

ROSE
You know Logan?

CHRIS
No, I don’t know Logan. I know that
guy who grabbed me.

ROSE
Chris... That doesn’t make any
sense.


EXT. BACK YARD. SAME TIME

With Chris and Rose are away, the party guests have all
gathered in the back yard facing Dean who stands in front of
the gazebo by a large picture of Chris on an easel. Everyone
is silent.

Dean raises his hand and makes numbers with his fingers:
“Three and three.” Several party guests raise their hands.
Dean points to the Waldens.

This is an auction.


EXT. THE WOODS - SAME TIME

Rose and Chris are in little nook in the trees.

ROSE
No. No, no, no. Don’t do this..
67.


CHRIS
I don’t know what to say. I think
your mom got in my head. I think
she got into my head.

ROSE
I thought she helped you.

CHRIS
No she didn’t. She got in my head.
She fucked some shit up there and
since then...

Chris shuts down.

ROSE
Chris... I’m here. Talk to me.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary After a traumatic event at the party, Rose and Chris are trying to make sense of what happened. Meanwhile, an auction is being held for Chris's body.
Strengths "The scene raises a lot of questions and creates suspense. The dialogue keeps the audience engaged and curious."
Weaknesses "The scene does not offer a clear explanation of what is going on and some character motivations are unclear."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of building tension and mystery, but there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue between Rose and Chris in the living room could benefit from more emotional depth. It feels a bit flat, despite the traumatic event that has just occurred. Adding some specific details or reactions could help bring the scene to life and make the characters feel more realistic.

Secondly, the reveal that Logan is actually Andre could use more emphasis or impact. It's a big twist, but it doesn't quite land as strongly as it could. Perhaps there could be some foreshadowing earlier in the script to make the revelation feel more earned.

Finally, the transition between the auction in the backyard and Chris and Rose's conversation in the woods feels a bit abrupt. It could be smoother if there was a clearer link or reason for them to leave the party and have a private conversation.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from a bit more polish and attention to detail.
Suggestions 1. Add more tension and suspense to the scene by increasing the stakes. Make the audience wonder what will happen next and why the characters are feeling the way they are.

2. Develop the characters more fully. Give them unique personalities, motivations and reasons for their actions, so that the audience can relate to and care about them.

3. Add more dialogue and action that reveals who the characters are and what they want. This will help to develop the plot and keep the audience engaged.

4. Make the scene more emotionally charged by exploring the characters' emotions and how they are affected by the events of the story.

5. Add more subtext to the scene, so that there is more going on beneath the surface. This can add depth and complexity to the story, and keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

6. Use more descriptive language and sensory details to create a vivid picture of the setting and character's actions, which will engage the audience and bring the scene to life.

7. Make sure the scene is relevant to the overall story and contributes to the character's growth and development. If it doesn't, rework it or remove it altogether.



Scene 22 -  Chris and Rose's Heart-to-Heart
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. BACKYARD - SAME TIME

Dean raises his hand again making more numbers with his
fingers: “4, 5.”

Gordon Greene raises his hand. Dean points to him accepting
his bid.


EXT. WOODS - SAME TIME

CHRIS
It’s not about what’s happening,
it’s about what’s actually
happening.

ROSE
What’s happening? Explain it to me.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Yes
everybody is crazy out here but
don’t take it out on me.

CHRIS
I’m not. I’m not. I just need to
go.

ROSE
You want me to stay here?

CHRIS
Whatever you want. I need to go

Rose sinks. She tries to hide a tear. After a long silence.
68.


ROSE
...I’m late.

CHRIS
Late?

ROSE
I should’ve got my period like last
week.

CHRIS
Oh.

ROSE
I mean, I did change my birth
control, so it could just be that,
but...

Chris thinks silently.

ROSE (CONT’D)
So...?

CHRIS
I don’t know what to say.

ROSE
Say anything.


EXT. BACKYARD - SAME TIME

The auction is flying now. Dean’s hand signals are going
fast. It’s down to three couples.


Dean signals “5, 6.” Mr. Greene raises his hand. Dean points.


Dean signals “5, 8.” Mrs. Deets raises her hand. Dean points.


Dean signals “6.” Jim Hudson raises both his hands and
signals “10.” His chauffeur stands beside him whispering in
his ear. Dean points at him.

Dean scans the crowd signaling “10, 2?” “10, 2?” The crowd
looks around. No one is challenging. Dean smiles. Finally
Dean bangs his fist onto his open palm and points to Jim
Hudson. Jim’s chauffeur whispers in his ear.

The guests clap in a mixture of delight and disappointment.
69.


EXT. WOODS - DUSK

Chris and Rose sit watching the sunset over the lake. Chris
kisses her hand. He hears the faint APPLAUSE in the distance.
He looks in the direction of the house.

ROSE
I didn’t tell you that to make you
stay, I just thought you should
know.

CHRIS
I told you about the night my mom
died; how I didn’t call 911; didn’t
go out looking for her.

ROSE
Baby--

CHRIS
One hour went by, then two,
three... I just sat there... I just
watched TV.

ROSE
It wasn’t your fault.

CHRIS
I found out later she had survived
the initial by the side of the road
all night, cold and alone. And
that’s how she died in the early
morning... Cold and alone. And I
was watching TV. There was time. If
someone was looking for her, there
was time. But no one was looking.

Chris cries. Rose cries for him.

ROSE
You were just a kid.

CHRIS
Yeah... yeah.

ROSE
There’s nothing you could have
done...

CHRIS
I could have tried... I could have
tried.

Rose almost responds, but doesn’t. She gets it.
70.


CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’re all I got now. I’m not gonna
leave here without you. I‘m not
going to abandon you. Okay?

She wipes her tears and nods.

ROSE
Let’s go back home.

CHRIS
Yeah?

ROSE
Yeah. I mean, you’re right. This
sucks. I’ll make something up.
We’ll go back.

CHRIS
I love you.

ROSE
I love you too.

The two get up and walk back toward the house.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Chris and Rose sit outside and talk about their relationship, including Rose's late period and Chris's guilt over his mother's death. They both cry and reconcile, deciding to go back to their home together.
Strengths "Strong emotional climax"
Weaknesses "Lacks clear connection to overall plot"
Critique Overall, the scene is emotionally impactful and does a good job of fleshing out the relationship between Chris and Rose. However, the scene could benefit from clearer transitions between the auction scene and the conversation between Chris and Rose. It is also unclear how the auction scene is related to the overall plot or theme of the screenplay. It is important to ensure that every scene serves a purpose in advancing the story or developing the characters.
Suggestions The first thing that could improve this scene would be to give it more context. It’s unclear why the auction is important, where the auction is taking place, who these couples are, and how it relates to the story. A few lines could be added at the beginning of the scene to provide some background information.

Another thing that could be improved is the dialogue between Chris and Rose. The back and forth feels a bit stilted and could benefit from more naturalistic language and pauses. It might also be helpful to clarify or add some subtext to their conversation to make it clear what they are really feeling and thinking.

Additionally, the physicality of the auction scene could be heightened. There could be more descriptions of the setting, the people bidding, and the action. This would make the contrast between the frenzied auction and the emotional conversation between Chris and Rose more impactful.

Overall, adding more context, naturalistic dialogue, and physicality could improve this scene and make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 23 -  Discovering Rose's Secret
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DUSK

Chris and Rose approach the house as the last of the guests
get into their cars and drive off.

CHRIS
That was fast.

ROSE

Yeah.

The guests wave to Walter and Georgina, who stand at the
front door, and then to Chris and Rose. Jeremy hangs out on
the porch. He seems less menacing than before. Parker and
April Dray are leaving. Parker is tipsy.

PARKER
Bye Chris! It was a pleasure
meeting you. I hope you--

Chris and Rose wave.

APRIL
Come on, Parker. Before you say
something stupid.
71.


Chris laughs. Walter shuts the car door behind Lisa. Walter
stands pleasantly watching the cars leave. He turns to Chris
with the same ol’ smile. Chris and Rose enter the house.


INT. ARMITAGE BATHROOM - NIGHT

Sink running. Chris washes his hands and looks in the mirror.

He finds the picture he took of Logan/Andre on his phone and
sends it.

Chris plugs the phone in and goes to pack. The phone
vibrates.

Chris picks it up.

CHRIS
Hey.


INTERCUT WITH:



INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

Rod is on the phone. Sid is there too.

ROD
That’s Dre.

CHRIS
Dre?

ROD
Andre Hayworth! He used to kick it
with Veronica, remember? That’s
him.

CHRIS
Veronica from...

ROD
...Teresa’s sister! Worked at the
movie theatre on 8th. Why’s he
dressed like that?

CHRIS
(realizing)
Yeah. That is him. But... Wait,
wait, wait, This is so fuckin’
crazy. He’s different.
72.


ROD
No shit. Why is he dressed like
that?

CHRIS
No, it’s not just that though, it’s
everything. He came to the party
with a white woman like thirty
years older than him.

ROD
What?

CHRIS
I don’t know if she was his boss or
if they’re fuckin’ or both.

ROD
Slave! Chris, you in a fucked up
Eyes Wide Shut situation. You need
to--.

The phone goes dead. No batteries.


INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chris goes to finish packing with a purpose. Rose enters.

ROSE
Hey, should we eat and then leave?

CHRIS
No. Rose, we gotta go.

ROSE
Is everything okay?

CHRIS
I’ll tell you in the car.

She does.

ROSE
Okay, I’m gonna get my bag.

Rose leaves.

Just then Rose’s closet creaks open. Chris sees a framed
picture of Rose inside. Not quite knowing what he’s looking
for, he goes to the closet. The picture is a frightening one.
Rose is one of the witches in a high school production of
Macbeth. It’s on top of a red shoebox that has the
drama/comedy masks drawn on top of it.
73.


He takes it off of the shelf. Inside is a pile of pictures.
On top is one of Rose dressed as Juliet in a high school
play.

The next one is of Rose at 13 playing Ms. Hannigan in Annie.
Chris flips through a few more pictures of Rose at different
ages in different class plays.


Finally Chris comes upon a photo printed from a computer.
It’s a selfie of her and some other black guy. The picture is
almost identical to the one she took with Chris before the
ride up. Under the image are written the words. “X-mas 2014”
Stunned, Chris flips to the next picture.

It’s another romantic selfie, this time with a different
black guy. Underneath, the caption “Memorial Day 2013”

He continues flipping through the stack of pictures of Rose
with 8 different black guys. The last one is a picture of
Rose with Walter. In it she kisses Walter’s cheek intimately.
“Thanksgiving 2009” Walter looks different in the picture. He
isn’t smiling vaguely; he’s got swagger.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Hey? Are you ready?

Rose stands there in the doorway behind him. Chris subtly
drops the pictures back in the shoebox.

ROSE (CONT’D)
What?

CHRIS
Yeah, Um... Looking for my camera.

ROSE
Here.

Rose hands him the camera.

CHRIS
Where are the keys..? I’m gonna put
our bags in the trunk real quick.

Rose picks up her bag and ruffles through it.

ROSE
Okay. They’re in here somewhere.
Are you okay?

CHRIS
Yeah, yeah. Can we do that on the
move.
74.


Chris walks out the door, leaving Rose.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary After leaving the Armitage house, Chris receives a call from his friend Rod who reveals that the man they met at the party is Andre Hayworth, who used to hang out with Veronica, before revealing a box of Rose's photo album with pictures of her with several black guys.
Strengths "The scene reveals a major turning point in the plot and adds more intrigue and suspense to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and pacing feel a bit slow and could have been tightened to increase tension."
Critique As a screenwriting AI, I can provide some feedback on the scene.

First, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language and action lines. There are moments when the character's movements are described, such as Chris washing his hands, and moments when the action is not as clear, such as when Rose ruffles through her bag. Adding more details about the setting and character movements can help bring the scene to life.

Second, the dialogue feels a bit stilted and on-the-nose at times. For example, when Chris sees the picture of Rose in the closet, he says "Not quite knowing what he's looking for, he goes to the closet." This line feels unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the scene. Additionally, some of the dialogue between Chris and Rod feels forced and could benefit from more natural-sounding language.

Finally, the scene could use some more tension or conflict to drive the story forward. The reveal of the pictures of Rose with multiple black men is interesting, but it doesn't quite pay off yet. Adding more tension or conflict, such as Rose catching Chris looking at the pictures, could help make the scene more engaging and move the story forward.
Suggestions Suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Establish the stakes: While we know something is off with the Armitage family, we don't yet understand what it means for Chris and Rose. Adding some dialogue or subtext to hint at the danger they may be in could raise the tension and deepen the audience's investment in the scene.
2. Increase the visual interest: There is a lot of dialogue in this scene, and not much action. Adding some more interesting visuals or blocking could help break up the talking and make the scene more engaging to watch.
3. Clarify Chris's motivation: When Chris goes to check Rose's closet, we aren't sure what he is looking for or why he is doing it. Adding some context or a clear goal could make this moment more impactful and suspenseful.
4. Trim unnecessary dialogue: There are a few moments where the conversation between Chris and Rod feels repetitive or doesn't add much to the scene. Streamlining the dialogue could help the scene feel more focused and efficient.



Scene 24 -  The Family Confrontation
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FOYER/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rose follows Chris down the stairs.

ROSE
(Hushed)
Chris... What’s wrong?

CHRIS
Nothing.

Jeremy stands near the front door twirling his lacrosse
stick.

JEREMY
Where are you going? The party’s
just getting started.

CHRIS
I’m going to the car; see if we
left the keys in there.

Missy enters the hallway behind Chris.

MISSY
Would you like some tea, Chris?

CHRIS
I’m good.

The family is silent. Missy’s glare pierces Chris. He avoids
eye contact.

MISSY
You’re leaving us. Is something
wrong?

CHRIS
No. Well, yeah... Um.

ROSE
(still blank)
His dog is sick. He needs to go to
the vet first thing in the morning--

Dean, in Missy’s office in front of the roaring fireplace,
presses play on a remote control and a darkly classical track
comes on.

DEAN
What is your purpose, Chris?
75.


CHRIS
What?

DEAN
In life? What is your purpose..?

CHRIS
Right now, it’s finding the keys.

Dean stares into the fire.

DEAN
Mesmerizing isn’t it? The fire is a
reflection of our own mortality.
It’s born, it breathes and then it
dies.

CHRIS
Rose...

Rose lamely rummages through her messy bag.

ROSE
I’m looking.

Dean now looks at the painting above the fireplace.

DEAN
Even the Sun will die some day,
Chris. It is us who are the divine
ones. We are the Gods who are
trapped in cocoons.--

CHRIS
--Rose.--

DEAN
--You’d take the baptism wouldn’t
you? You’d shed your skin to awake
renewed and perfect. Of course you
would.

CHRIS
I was raised Episcopalian.

Chris starts toward the door, but his path is blocked by
Jeremy swinging at air.

JEREMY
Whoa! Be careful, bro.

MISSY
Jeremy...
76.


JEREMY
I’m not doing anything.

MISSY
What is this shit?!!

DEAN
It’s our purpose! It is our
destiny! The requirement for
spiritual transmutation is the will
of a new vessel must sacrifice!!!

CHRIS
Rose! The keys!

Rose backs away.

ROSE
You know I can’t give you the keys.

Chris makes a run for the door. Missy clinks the cup with her
spoon.

TinG tinG. TinG tinG.

The world instantly blurs around Chris. He begins to fall. He
sees a flash.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Chris tries to leave, but the family confronts him about his true intentions. Dean reveals his belief in a spiritual transformation that requires sacrifice.
Strengths "Intense and unsettling scene that raises the tension. It also reveals more about the characters' personalities."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels forced and unnatural."
Critique Overall, this scene raises a lot of questions and doesn't provide much clarity for the audience. It seems like the characters are intentionally being enigmatic, which can be interesting, but the dialogue feels forced and unnatural. For example, Dean's sudden interest in Chris's purpose in life feels sudden and out of place. Additionally, the abrupt shift in tone when Missy begins clinking her spoon feels arbitrary and doesn't add much to the scene. The action could also be more clearly described - for example, it's unclear what exactly "Jeremy swinging at air" means. Overall, more clarity and focus on what's actually happening would help make this scene feel more grounded and engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not immediately clear why Chris is leaving and why there's so much tension between him and the family. While some ambiguity can be effective, it's important to give the audience enough context to understand what's going on.

2. Streamline the dialogue: The dialogue in this scene is somewhat convoluted and on-the-nose in terms of its thematic content. Try to make the characters' intentions more implicit and their dialogue more naturalistic.

3. Increase the stakes: Right now, the scene feels somewhat low stakes. There's no clear danger or urgency driving the conflict, so it doesn't feel particularly compelling.

4. Make the characters more distinct: Right now, the family members all blend together a bit, with a lot of them spouting off similar-sounding philosophical musings. Try to give each character a more distinct voice and perspective.

5. Avoid cliches: The "fire is a reflection of our own mortality" line feels a bit hackneyed and on-the-nose. Try to find more original and interesting ways to convey your themes.



Scene 25 -  The Abyss and The Screen
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. DARKNESS

Chris falls through the dark abyss of his mind again just
like when he was hypnotized. The blue screen above him
displays what his real eyes see. It’s his own perspective in
the real world in which his body falls backwards to the
floor. CRASH! The screen now shows the living room ceiling.
Jeremy leans over him.

JEREMY
Oh shit!

MISSY (O.S.)
Is he hurt?

CHRIS
No!

JEREMY DEAN (O.S.)
Did you see him drop? He hit his head pretty good.

MISSY (O.S.)
Take him downstairs. Jeremy, get
the legs. Dean, help him.
77.


JEREMY
I can take him alone.

MISSY (O.S.)
No. Be careful. We’ve already
damaged him enough. Dean, please.

Chris continues to fall slowly further from the screen above
which continues to show his body’s perspective as it is being
lifted by Dean and Jeremy and carried out of the room.

CHRIS
Rose!? No, no, no, no. Shit,
shit...

DEAN
You’re going to drop him.

JEREMY
No, I’m not.

MISSY (O.S.)
Be careful what you say, everyone.
He can hear every word.

JEREMY
Why? He’s gonna find out sooner or
later..

MISSY
Not like this.

DEAN
Listen to your mother.

CHRIS
Rose!!!!

Rose approaches Chris’ face.

ROSE
(whisper)
You were one of my favorites.

Chris stops sinking. He turns right side up.

CHRIS
No!! Help!!! Help!!!!! Help!!!!!!

A door creaks open. Chris’ body is taken downstairs into the
darkness. The screen in the abyss goes dark.

Chris shivers. He’s cold and alone. He takes out his lighter
and lights it.
78.


Something large and dark moves underneath Chris. Chris looks
around frantically.

His light goes out.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Shit.

Chris tries to light his lighter again. In takes a couple
tries. Each flash illuminates a large face beside his. He
doesn’t see it. The amorphous antlered thing emerges from the
shadow. Its eyes glow and flicker faint blue in its sockets.

He finally lights the flame and feels the beast’s presence he
turns, but the creature is gone.

He turns back and there it is. Very close. It’s head is the
skull of a deer and it has dim blue glowing eyes. It MOANS A
WRONG SOUNDING MOAN OF HATEFUL ANGUISH.


EXT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES TERMINAL - DAY

Rod smokes a cigarette and dials Chris.

CHRIS’ VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (V.O.)
It’s Chris. I’m away from my phone
or I just don’t want to talk to
you.


ROD
(anxious)
Sup? Dude, you scaring me, man? I
thought you were coming back
yesterday. Hopefully you home
already and just sleeping or some
shit. Aiight. Let me know.


INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rod opens the door. Sid wags his tail hungrily.


INT. CHRIS’ KITCHEN - LATER

Rod opens dog food while he calls Chris.

CHRIS’ VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (V.O.)
Hey, it’s Chris. I’m away from my
phone or I just don’t want to talk
to--
79.


Rod hangs up. He places Sid’s bowl down. Sid doesn’t eat.
Instead Sid looks back up at Rod and WHINES.

ROD
Yeah... me too.



INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - LATER

Rod zones out at Chris’ desk in front of his laptop. Sid
sits on Rod’s lap. Rod types “Andre Hayworth” into the search
engine. Images of Andre come up.

Rod finds an article entitled: “What Happened to Andre
Hayworth?” Under in bold “Brooklyn Native Goes Missing In
Evergreen Hallow.”

Rod’s eyes go wide.

ROD
Oh shit.


INT. GAMES ROOM - LATER

Chris wakes up. In front of him, a deer’s head is mounted
above an old-school floor-standing television. Behind him, a
goat’s head is mounted under a taxidermy owl, wings spread.
There are several objects precisely placed around the room.

His arms and legs are fastened to a leather upholstered chair
in the middle of a small dark room.

Chris pulls at the straps that bind his arms and legs. Chris
tries to gnaw at the harnesses, but they are too thick.

CHRIS
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shit.
The fuck?!?

The television in front of Chris flickers on and the image of
a tea cup comes into focus on the screen. A spoon stirs and
clinks the side of the cup.

“TING TING, TING TING”

Before he can react, Chris falls asleep.


INT. CHRIS’ LIVING ROOM - DAWN

Sid wakes Rod up with a lick to the face. He’s on the sofa.
80.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Chris falls into his own mind while being moved by his friends, leading to a terrifying encounter with a creature. Meanwhile, Rod discovers an article about a missing man in the town Chris visited.
Strengths "The scene is well-paced and keeps the audience on edge through the use of unsettling imagery and the fear of the unknown. The reveal of the missing man in the town adds an intriguing mystery element to the plot."
Weaknesses "The character development is a bit lacking in this scene, as there isn't much new information or depth added to the existing characters. The dialogue feels slightly repetitive at times."
Critique Overall, this scene shows a lot of action and suspense, which is great for creating tension in the story. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, there are a lot of characters in this scene and it can be difficult to keep track of who is who. It would be helpful to have clearer descriptions of each character and their relationships to each other.

Secondly, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more impactful. Some of the lines feel a bit repetitive or unnecessary, and could be cut to keep the scene moving smoothly.

Finally, the scene ends with a bit of a cliffhanger, but it's not entirely clear what's happening to Chris. It might be helpful to provide a bit more detail about what's going on in the game room to leave the reader wanting more, rather than feeling confused.

Overall, this is a solid scene with a lot of potential. With some polishing, it could be a great addition to the larger story.
Suggestions 1) Clarify the setting and characters: At the beginning of the scene, it's not clear where Chris is falling from and who Jeremy, Dean, and Missy are. Adding more context and setting the scene can help the audience understand better what's happening.

2) Streamline the action: Some of the action is described in too much detail, which can make the scene drag. For example, the action of carrying Chris out of the room could be shortened to increase the pace.

3) Improve the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose or exposition-heavy, such as when Missy warns everyone that Chris can hear them. Rewriting the dialogue to be more natural and less explanatory can make it feel more believable.

4) Make the transition between scenes clearer: The scene shifts abruptly from Chris falling to Rod at the airport. Adding a transition or establishing shot can make the change in setting less jarring.

5) Cut unnecessary details: Some of the details in the scene, such as the mounted animal heads in the game room, don't add much to the story or character development. Removing them can help keep the focus on the suspenseful plot.



Scene 26 -  Rod tells Detective LaToya about Chris
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Rod sits at a desk with Sid on his lap.. DETECTIVE LATOYA
(40), African American enters. She’s been doing this too
long. She speaks to someone outside her office.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
...Then he should’ve gone back up
there and made sure everything was
accounted for. ‘Cause hey, look;
how about this? If you record the
evidence, you’re responsible for
it.

Latoya shuts the door and sits at her desk. She begins
opening and eating a bag of sunflower seeds.

DETECTIVE LATOYA (CONT’D)
Hello, Mr...

ROD
Williams... Rod Williams...

DETECTIVE LATOYA
From the TSA?

ROD
Yes Ma’am.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
You know that TSA issues should be
brought to your authorizing
officer, right?

ROD
It’s not TSA business, ma’am.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Please don’t call me “ma’am,” or
we’re not gonna get along. How can
I help you, Rod Williams from the
TSA?

ROD
Here it is: My boy Chris has been
missing for two days.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Your son is missing?

ROD
No, sorry, not my son, my boy.
He’s my friend. He’s 26. His name
is Chris... Washington...
81.


He gives her time to write the name which she doesn’t do. She
just stares at him.

ROD (CONT’D)
He left town on Friday with his
girlfriend Rose... Armitage...
She’s white.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
That’s four days ago.

ROD
Yeah, I mean he’s only been MISSING
for two days. He was supposed--

DETECTIVE LATOYA
--I’m gonna stop you right there.
Now you know the minimum amount of
time without contact before you can
file a missing persons report is--

ROD
--Three days I know, but I have
reason to believe he’s been
abducted.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Go on.

ROD
Chris was set to come back home on
Sunday. I was watching his dog Sid.

Latoya points to Sid.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
That’s Sid.

ROD
Yup. Cute right? Now look...

Rod takes out his phone and scrolls to a photo of Andre.

ROD (CONT’D)
Chris sent me this which he took at
the girlfriend's parents house.
That’s Andre Hayworth, a guy we
knew from back in the day. Come to
find out he went missing 6 months
ago in an affluent suburb upstate.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Doesn’t look missing to me.
82.


ROD
Well that’s the thing. We found him
and now, according to Chris, he’s
got a different personality.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Different how?

ROD
This dude is from Brooklyn. He
didn’t used to dress like that.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
I didn’t used to dress like this.

ROD
Plus, now he’s married to a white
woman twice his age.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Well, that explains the clothes.
Look Rod Williams from the TSA-

ROD
I know, I know. I’m working up to
it. Look, I know what I’m about to
say is gonna sound crazy.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Try me.

ROD
You ready for this...? I think this
family is abducting black people
and brainwashing them to work for
them as sex slaves and shit...
Sorry.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
...Brainwashing?

ROD
Yeah.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
Hold on one second.
(over her intercom)
Garcia, Drake, get in here a
second.
(to Rod)
I want you to tell these officers
exactly what you just told me.
83.


INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Two detectives, Garcia, 37, and Drake, 43, stand behind
Latoya.

ROD
...See, I don’t know if the
hypnosis makes you a slave or what,
but they already got two brothers
that we know of, and who knows how
many more there could be.

The officers are all riveted... Then... All three detectives
laugh. Rod is not being taken the slightest bit seriously.

DETECTIVE LATOYA
(to her colleagues)
So, I don’t want none of you sayin’
I don’t do nothin’ for you... White
girls’ll get you every time!

They all laugh harder.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Comedy"]

Summary Rod from the TSA meets with Detective LaToya to tell her that his friend Chris has been missing for two days and he believes he has been abducted. He shows her a photo of a missing person, who Chris claims is living with his girlfriend's family, with a different personality and married to a white woman twice his age. Rod suggests that the family is abducting black people and brainwashing them to work for them as sex slaves.
Strengths "The scene is intriguing and sets up a possible plot twist."
Weaknesses "The comedy may not sit well with some viewers given the serious nature of the topic."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

Overall, the scene sets up a compelling premise about the potential abduction and brainwashing of black people by a family, but it does not execute it effectively. The dialogue lacks nuance and depth, and the characters come across as caricatures rather than fully-realized beings.

The scene's pacing is uneven, with long stretches of dialogue that do not advance the plot or reveal much about the characters. The humor is often inappropriate and detracts from the seriousness of the situation.

The character of Detective Latoya, in particular, is problematic. While it is refreshing to see an African American woman in a position of authority, her dismissive attitude towards Rod's concerns feels stereotypical and undermines the credibility of the police force. Additionally, her use of dialect and slang feels forced and inauthentic.

Overall, the scene needs more development in terms of character, dialogue, and pacing to effectively convey its premise and engage the audience.
Suggestions - The dialogue seems a bit on-the-nose and exposition-heavy. Try to find ways to convey information through action or subtext instead of having characters directly state facts.

- Consider adding some visual elements to the scene to make it more interesting to watch. Right now, it's just people sitting and talking at a desk.

- Try to add more conflict to the scene. Right now, the detectives are not taking Rod seriously, but it's not clear what the stakes are or what's at risk if they don't believe him. Perhaps give Rod a more urgent reason for needing their help, or hint at the danger he and his friend are in.

- Look for opportunities to build character. What do we learn about these detectives through their interactions with Rod? How can you make them more distinctive and memorable?



Scene 27 -  The Search for Chris
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. GAMES ROOM - LATER

Chris wakes up suddenly. He takes in his surroundings again.
He’s in the same room. He’s scratched the arm of the chair to
the point where the leather on the arm of the chair has begun
to rip open.

CHRIS
Okay. Okay! What do you want? You
tryin’ to break me? Done. I’m
broke. What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to do????

Chris is exhausted. He laughs at the absurdity of the
situation.

The television flickers on and again the image of a tea cup
comes into focus on the screen. A spoon stirs and clinks the
side of the cup. Terror flashes across his face.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
No--

Again Chris becomes paralyzed.
84.


INT. CHRIS’ APARTMENT - DUSK

Rod sits by the window with Sid. He looks out over rooftops
and thinks. He picks up his phone and calls Chris again. He
knows Chris won’t answer. Then--

ROSE
Hello?

Rod is taken off guard. He almost drops his phone.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Chris?

ROD
Yo. Um, Rose? It’s Rod.

ROSE
Hi.

ROD
Where’s Chris?


INTERCUT WITH:


INT. ARMITAGE HOUSE. DINING ROOM - DUSK

Rose stands by the dining table on Chris’ phone. Rose starts
to cry.

ROSE
He left like two days ago.

ROD
He left?

ROSE
He got paranoid. We got in a fight.
And flipped out. Then he took a cab
home and left his phone. Wait...
You haven’t seen him?

ROD
No. He never made it back here.

ROSE
Oh my God.

ROD
I’ve been calling. I went to the
police and--
85.


ROSE
--What did you say?

ROD
I told them he was missing.

ROSE
Okay, wait... um... Did you call
his aunt?

ROD
Yes. Lemme ask you something, Rose.
What cab company did he use?

ROSE
I don’t know. A local one I’m
guessing. Maybe Uber? Wait, I’m so
confused...

ROD
Hold on a second.

Rod hits mute.

ROD (CONT’D)
(under his breath)
This bitch knows she got something
to do with this.

He opens up ‘Garage Band’ on Chris’ computer and puts the
phone on speaker, recording her. He un-mutes the phone.

ROD (CONT’D)
So, last time Chris and I talked,
he told me your mom hypnotized him?

Rose is silent. Then...

ROSE
Rod, just stop.

ROD
Huh?

ROSE
I know why you’re calling.

ROD
Why is that?

We now see Rose’s family standing in the living room behind
her. They watch her operate.
86.


ROSE
Come on. I mean, it’s kind of
obvious.

ROD
What?

ROSE
That there’s something between us.

ROD
No. I’m calling about Chris.

ROSE
We’d all go out drinking... I
remember you looking at me.

ROD
That’s my best friend. If you did
something--

ROSE
I know you think about fucking me,
Rod.

ROD
--No. You crazy... What? No!

Rod hangs up in a panic. He looks at Sid helplessly.

Rose’s expression goes blank. She places the phone on the
dining room table and looks back at her family. They watch in
approval.


INT. GAMES ROOM - DAY

Chris, still strapped to the chair, wakes up again. He is
drained. The arm of the chair is more torn than before.

The television in front of Chris flickers on again...

CHRIS
Wait--

The image that comes on isn’t the teacup this time. Instead
it’s...
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Rod tries to find Chris while Chris is held captive in a game room. Meanwhile, Chris's girlfriend Rose is implicated in his disappearance.
Strengths "The tension and suspense are well-maintained throughout the scene. The dialogue is engaging and reveals more about the characters and the plot."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't reveal much about Chris's captivity or the motivations behind his captors. The conflict between Rod and Rose feels a bit forced."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written but there are a few areas of improvement.

Firstly, the transition from Chris waking up in the games room to Rod sitting in Chris' apartment is a bit abrupt. It would help to have a bridging scene or a smoother transition to show how Rod got there.

Secondly, the dialogue between Rod and Rose feels a bit forced and doesn't flow naturally. It would be better to have more organic dialogue that still conveys the same information.

Lastly, the scene ends on a cliffhanger, which is great for keeping the audience engaged but it feels like the scene is cut off too soon without any resolution. It would be better to have a bit more closure before the scene ends.

Overall, the scene has good tension and builds suspense effectively. With some tweaks to the dialogue and scene transitions, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Establish the stakes: While it's clear that Chris is in a dire situation, it would be helpful to explicitly state what's at stake for him. Is he trying to escape? Is he trying to figure out why he's being held captive? Is he trying to survive? This will create tension and give the scene more direction.

2. Use more specific, visceral language: Instead of saying "Chris is exhausted," describe his physical and emotional state more vividly. How does his body feel? Is he sweating? Shaking? Describe his breathing. This will help the audience connect with Chris on a deeper level and show the toll that his captivity is taking on him.

3. Add more conflict: The conversation between Rod and Rose feels like it should be important, but it doesn't add much to the scene. Instead, consider adding more conflict within the games room itself. Maybe Chris is trying something new to escape, but it doesn't work and he gets punished. Or maybe his captors reveal more information that puts Chris in an even worse position.

4. Use the TV image to create suspense: Instead of just saying that the TV shows something different, use the image to create suspense. What does Chris see? How does it make him feel? Is it something unexpected or terrifying?

By addressing these points, the scene can become more engaging and create more tension for the audience.



Scene 28 -  The Coagula Procedure
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - SUNSET

A beautiful landscape of the Armitage grounds. In it, the sun
rises through a clearing in the trees accompanied by SOOTHING
CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC.
87.


There is a distinctly dated mid 90’s feel to the look of the
video. Chris is confused. The image pans to reveal ROMAN
ARMITAGE 80 Caucasian, watching the sunset.

ROMAN
Ah, is there anything more
beautiful than a sun rise?

Roman turns to the camera. We recognize him as Dean’s father
from the pictures in the hallway. Underneath the pleasant
tone of the video, Roman suppresses a spiteful glee.

ROMAN (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Roman Armitage, and if
you’re watching this, your probably
wondering what’s going on. Well
don’t you worry, answers are coming
soon. Let’s take a walk...


EXT. ARMITAGE ESTATE - CONTINUOUS

Roman walks by a hedge which he occasionally prunes as he
addresses the camera.

ROMAN
What if I told you, you would never
have to work again. No more
responsibility, or difficult life
decisions. Isn’t that what you’d
want? Let’s take a walk.


EXT. ARMITAGE’S BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

Roman walks towards the back of the house.

ROMAN
You were chosen because of the
physical advantages you’ve enjoyed
your entire life. I’m certain that
with your natural gifts and our
determination we‘ll soon both be a
part of something greater.
Something perfect.


EXT. ARMITAGE BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

Roman walks in the distance.

ROMAN (V.O.)
The Coagula procedure is a man-made
miracle.
(MORE)
88.

ROMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Our order had been developing it
for many many years, but was
perfected only recently by my own
flesh and blood.


EXT. ARMITAGE BACK LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

ROMAN (V.O.)
My family and I are honored to
offer it as a service to members of
our group.

As Roman approaches the house, JOSIE ARMITAGE, 78 Caucasian,
waves to Roman through the kitchen window.

ROMAN
Save your strength. Don’t try to
fight it. You can’t stop the
inevitable.


EXT. ARMITAGE’S FRONT LAWN - MOMENTS LATER

The Armitage family stands around Roman. They are all 20
years younger. Dean, Missy, as well as 6 year old Rose and
Jeremy.

ROMAN
And who knows, you might just enjoy
being part of our family.

The family waves at the camera as it pulls out. The words
“Behold the Coagula” come up. The Screen goes blank. A few
seconds later. The screen pops back on to...


INT. GAME ROOM - TELEVISION - DAY

Jim Hudson, with shaven head, sits on a hospital bed. And
faces Chris through the television.

JIM
Hey Chris. How’s it going...? You
can answer. There’s an intercom in
the room.

CHRIS
I need water.

JIM
I know, this probably feels like
some kind of sick joke or...
89.


CHRIS
Where’s Rose?

JIM
You dirty dog. You’re one of the
lucky one’s, trust me. Jeremy’s
wrangling method sounds way less
pleasant. I’m supposed to answer
any outstanding questions you may
have so far. I guess our common
understanding of the process has a
positive impact on the success rate
of the procedure.

Chris is silent.

JIM (CONT’D)
Okay, then let me just tell you
what it is. Phase one was the
hypnotism. That’s how they sedate
you. Phase two is this. Mental
preparation. It’s basically a
psychological pre-op.

CHRIS
Pre-op?


INT. GAME ROOM - TELEVISION - DAY

The television turns off. Chris clenches his body trying to
pry free from his restraints, before his shoulders collapse
with exhaustion. He lifts his head. The leather arm of the
chair is completely torn revealing tufts its cotton stuffing.
Chris gets an idea.


INT. GAMES ROOM - DAY

We hear nothing except a HEART BEAT.

Chris’ head hangs, asleep. His lips are dry. Chris wakes up.

The Television turns on. On the screen, a woman’s hand holds
a tea cup. With a spoon, she clinks it. We don’t hear it
though. We still hear nothing but the HEART BEAT.

CHRIS
No, No--

Before Chris can finish SCREAMING, his eyes widen. He goes
limp -- unconscious again.
90.


INT. OPERATING ROOM.

Jim Hudson lies unconscious on one of two operating beds in
the center of the room connected to an IV and heart monitors.

A bright medical light shines on Jim’s shaved head which also
has a dotted line around it. The other bed is empty and has a
light shining on it as well. This bed is for Chris.

Dean stands in ceremonial operating scrubs in the middle, his
palms upwards in silent prayer near some ceremonial candles.
Jeremy, also in scrubs, watches his father. Dean finishes his
prayer.

DEAN
Saw...

Jeremy hands Dean a circular surgical saw.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Get the vessel.

Jeremy leaves as Dean begins to saw into Jim’s cranium.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Roman Armitage introduces Chris to the Coagula procedure, claiming that he was chosen for his physical advantages. Jim Hudson explains to Chris the two phases of the procedure. Chris wakes up with an idea, and the scene ends with Dean preparing to perform the procedure on Jim.
Strengths "The scene is well-written with a good mix of dialogue and action. The subtle hints of an unsettling atmosphere add to the tension and mystery of the story."
Weaknesses "The classical guitar music might not be suitable for all viewers and might feel out of place in a thriller scene. The scene might also feel slow-paced for some viewers."
Critique The scene opens with a wonderfully constructed image of the Armitage estate and its surrounding area, accompanied by classical music. The introduction sets up a feeling of beauty. The mood is then immediately tainted as we see the distinctly dated video in which an 80-year-old Roman Armitage is seen. The audience recognises him as Dean's father from his pictures on the wall, and under the idyllic tone of the video, Roman suppresses a spiteful glee. Roman's malicious intentions are shown through his patronising tone and his subsequent speech in the gardens.

The scene effectively uses the different areas of the house and the gardens. Roman walks around, talking about Coagula, an actual procedure to transfer brains of white people into the bodies of black people. The procedure is a man-made miracle, or so it seems, with the intention to create a perfect family. Through the use of the garden and the house, the scene highlights the elegance of the setting and accentuates the sinister intentions behind it.

The use of the camera in the video is especially noteworthy as the transitions are perfect. We see Roman in the kitchen, as Josie waves, and then we see the Armitage family, twenty years younger, in new clothing and with new hairstyles. It shows that the video is not as old as it seems, and it helps to contrast the present. With a wave and a smile, the Armitage family makes it look as though everything is perfect in their world. The tone is very threatening and creates an extraordinary sense of unease.

The scene is constructed very well, and the dialogue seems authentic; it is neither too brief nor too verbose. However, there are a few scenes without the video and dialogue that are unclear. Some parts of the scene are implicit or need more clarity. The heartbeats heard are unclear, and the ritual seems to be a little abstract. Overall, it is a well-written scene, and it serves its purpose in explaining what is happening in the movie accurately.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions that can be made to improve this scene:

1. Consider changing the classical guitar music to something more ominous or unsettling to match the tone of the scene.

2. Show more of Chris's confusion or discomfort during Roman's speech, perhaps with some reaction shots of him.

3. Consider condensing or eliminating some of Roman's dialogue to make the scene more succinct and impactful.

4. Show more of the Armitage family's reactions to Roman's speech and their involvement in the Coagula procedure.

5. Consider adding more visual cues or foreshadowing earlier in the film to build up to the reveal of the Coagula procedure.

6. Show more of Chris's reaction to Jim Hudson's explanation of the procedure and his realization of what is happening to him.

7. Consider adding more tension or suspense to the operating room scene through music, camera angles, or dialogue.



Scene 29 -  The Escape
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. DARK HALLWAY

Jeremy wheels a wheelchair and IV down the hallway.

JIM
For Phase three: Brain
transplantation. Partial actually,
the piece of your brain connected
to the nervous system needs to stay
put, keeping those intricate
connections intact, so you won’t be
gone; not completely. A sliver of
you will still be in there
somewhere; limited consciousness;
You’ll be able to see and hear what
your body is doing, but your
existence will be as a passenger...
an audience. You’ll live
in--

CHRIS
(defeated)
--In The Sunken Place.

JIM
That’s it. That’s what she calls
it. I’ll control the motor
functions so I’ll be--
91.


CHRIS
--Me... You’ll be me.

JIM
Good. You got it quick. Good on ya.

CHRIS
Why black people..?

JIM
Who knows. People want a change.
Some people wanna be stronger,
faster, cooler. Blah blah blah, but
don’t lump me in with that ignorant
shit. I could give two shits about
race. I don’t care if you’re black,
brown, green, purple... whatever.
People are people. What I want is
deeper: Your eye, man. I want those
things you see through.

CHRIS
That’s crazy.

JIM
Is there a greater complement?


INT. GAMES ROOM

Jeremy enters with the wheelchair. He unstraps Chris’ arms
then legs. Then turns to prepare his IV.

Chris raises behind Jeremy with a bocce ball in his hand.
He’s not really hypnotized! He hits Jeremy in the back of the
head with the bocce ball. Jeremy crumples in pain. Chris hits
him again. Jeremy falls limp and blood rushes from his head.


INT. OPERATING ROOM

Dean is busy sawing Jim’s cranium off.


INT. GAMES ROOM

Chris takes the earplugs out of his ears and can hear again.


INT. OPERATING ROOM

Dean finishes sawing the top of Jim’s skull off. He removes
the cranium preciously exposing Jim’s brain.
92.


DEAN
Jeremy...?

Dean walks to the doorway and scans the dark hallway. It’s
quiet.

Chris emerges charging from the darkness with Deer’s head in
his arms. He punctures Dean through the neck and body with
the antlers. Dean and stumbles back into the operating room,
bleeding from neck and torso.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ahhh--

His scream gargles. Dean falls knocking a candle over which
lights the unused bed on fire. The fire grows fast. Chris
slams the door shut and continues through the dark hallway
lined with ceremonial photos. He finds the pitch black
stairwell and ascends to...


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Georgina sits nearby knitting . The window, like before,
reflects the room around them.

She sniffs the air. She is suddenly afraid. She turns off the
light illuminating the back yard. She turns the light back on
again. Chris’ bloodied reflection emerges from the basement
door behind hers. He looks savage. Georgina runs out the back
door.

Chris heads to the door, but sees his phone on the dining
room table. He goes for it.


INT. MISSY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Chris picks up his phone and presses the power button. The
loading screen comes up. Chris walks to the front door.They
see each other. The teacup is on the table by the chair in
the middle of the room. They both go for it, Chris gets there
first. He knocks the teacup off the desk shattering it. They
stare each other down for a moment. Missy walks towards her
desk and Chris follows.

Missy grabs a letter opener from the desk and stabs him
through the hand. Chris grabs her wrists. He is unhinged. He
pushes his forehead against hers in a show of primal
dominance. In this moment he becomes a being motivated by
revenge.

MISSY
No. No. No!
93.


Chris screams in rage. He pushes Missy further into her
office. We hear the struggle and screams of a excruciating
fight. We see a quick flash of a stab. We hear a CRASH as a
lamp light turns off. The FIGHT SOUNDS slow down. MISSY
GARGLES. Chris comes out of the room bloodier than before
holding the letter opener.


INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Chris turns towards the front door. Jeremy comes out of
nowhere with blood all over his face, and puts Chris in a
rear naked choke hold.

Chris attempts to stab Jeremy behind him twice but can't
reach him. Chris grabs the door knob and opens the door;
Jeremy SLAMS it shut. The struggle continues, and Jeremy’s
choke sinks in deeper. Chris goes for the door again; Jeremy
kicks the door shut propelling them both back into the wall.
Chris looks down. He gets an idea but is losing consciousness
fast.

With his last bit of awareness, Chris makes a final push
towards the door. Reaches for the door knob again; a
seemingly futile pursuit.

Chris opens the door again, Jeremy KICKS the door again;
Chris STABS Jeremy in the leg. Jeremy falls to his knees.

Chris kicks him to the ground. Chris stomps on Jeremy’s head
3 times.

CHRIS
Jujitsu this Motherfucker!

Chris takes the keys from Jeremy’s pocket.

Moments later...


INT. ROSE’S ROOM -NIGHT

Rose sits on her bed listening to music and researching
college basketball. All her pictures are up again.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris successfully fights his way out of the Sunken Place and stabs Jeremy in the leg to escape the house. He kills Jeremy and makes his way to Rose's room.
Strengths "The tension and fear are high, and the conflict level is consistent throughout the scene. The dialogue between Chris and Jim was well-written and added depth to the plot and characters. Chris's escape was well-executed and satisfying."
Weaknesses "Some of the violence may be too graphic and intense for some viewers."
Critique There are several issues with this scene:

1. Lack of clear character motivation: While there are some vague reasons given for why Jim is doing what he's doing (wanting to see through Chris's eyes), there's no clear motivation for any of the characters. We don't know why Chris is doing what he's doing, or why Jeremy and Dean are assisting in the procedures. This makes it difficult to become invested in the story and care about the characters.

2. Too many plot points: There are too many plot points happening in this scene. From brain transplantation to a fight in Missy's office to Chris's revenge against Jeremy, there's too much going on for the scene to have a clear throughline.

3. Unrealistic action: The action in this scene is often unrealistic and over-the-top, such as Chris hitting Jeremy in the head with a bocce ball and then stomping on his head multiple times. This takes away from the tension of the scene and makes it harder to take seriously.

Overall, this scene needs to focus on character motivation and streamline its plot points to make for a more effective and engaging scene.
Suggestions First, the dialogue between Jim and Chris in the hallway could benefit from some tightening up, as it feels a bit long-winded and could get straight to the point quicker. Also, there could be more visual detail added to the scene to build tension and to make it clearer where the characters are situated in the hall.

For the fight scenes, there could be clearer blocking and choreography to make the action more engaging and easier to follow. Additionally, there should be more focus on the characters’ physical reactions and emotions as they fight, to convey the intensity and stakes of the situation.

Finally, the transition between scenes could be smoother and more seamless, as some of the cuts feel abrupt and jarring. Adding more visual and auditory cues in the transitions could help to guide the audience through the story more fluidly.



Scene 30 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

The sports car takes off. Chris is in the driver’s seat. The
tubular metal helmet sits next to him in the passengers seat.
His phone finally turns on. There is a very small amount of
batteries. He turns the ignition. The English to French
tutorial comes on.
94.


TUTORIAL
I seem to have misplaced my
passport. Je crois avoi egare mon
passeport.

Chris peels off, driving fast through the field into the
night.


INT. SPORTS CAR ON RURAL ROAD

Chris dials 911.

911 OPERATOR
911 emergency

CHRIS
I’m at the Armitage--

Chris looks in the rearview mirror. All of a sudden, BAM!
The car slams into and over Georgina, who, in the night,
seems to have come out of nowhere.


INT. ROSE’S ROOM - NIGHT

Rose takes off her head phones. She heard something.


EXT. ARMITAGE FRONT LAWN -NIGHT

He drives on a few more seconds on a flat tire but then stops
the car. Chris breathes heavy.

CHRIS
(to himself)
No... no... Don’t do it... Just get
the fuck gotta here... Just go!
Just...

He looks back and sees Georgina’s body laying motionless.
Chris flashes back.


INT. YOUNG CHRIS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

Young Chris watches TV in his apartment.


INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

Chris looks back at Georgina.
95.


CHRIS
Fuck!


EXT. ARMITAGE FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

Chris gets out of the car to get Georgina. The house is
beginning to burn from deep inside. He lifts her up and
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique carries her towards the burning house.

As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene by saying that it lacks clarity in terms of the character’s motivation and the overall goal of the scene. What is Chris trying to achieve by driving fast through the field and then dialing 911? What is his plan when the car slams into Georgina?

The flashback to Young Chris also feels out of place and does not add any clear context to the scene.

Additionally, it is unclear why Chris would carry Georgina towards the burning house instead of calling for help or attempting to save her in a safer location.

Overall, the scene needs to have a clearer sense of purpose and logic in order to fully engage the audience and advance the story.
Suggestions rushes towards the burning house.

Suggestions:

1. Build tension and suspense: The scene could benefit from tension and suspense. Perhaps Chris could notice something off in the rearview mirror before the crash, or there could be eerie music playing in the background.

2. Character development: This could be a great opportunity to develop Chris' character further. Is he feeling guilty or remorseful about something? Is he scared for his life while driving through the field?

3. Clearer visual descriptions: It's unclear what the "tubular metal helmet" is or why it's relevant to the scene. Providing more visual descriptions of the surroundings and characters could help readers visualize the scene better.

4. Dialogue: The dialogue in the 911 call could be improved to add more urgency and tension. Also, when Chris speaks to himself in the car, his dialogue could be more concise and impactful.

5. Clarity: The transition between the car crash and Rose's reaction could be more clear. It's not immediately clear that Rose heard the crash and that Chris has stopped the car before seeing Georgina's body.

6. Continuity: Chris' flashback to his apartment watching TV seems out of place and does not add much to the story. It could be cut or replaced with a more relevant flashback. Additionally, the line "The house is beginning to burn from deep inside" seems abrupt and may need further explanation.



Scene 31 -  The Escape
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. SPORTS CAR - NIGHT

Moments later...

TUTORIAL
Where is the nearest train station?
Ou est la gare la plus proche?

He puts Georgina into the passenger’s seat of the car. He
shuts the door and gets in the driver’s seat. He floors it.

As Rose comes out of the house with a rifle.

ROSE
Grandma!!!


After a moment of driving, Georgina’s eyes open and she
rises. She is Grandma. The wig slides off her head revealing
an old surgical scar around the top of her head. Chris hasn’t
noticed her yet. He reaches for his phone.

TUTORIAL
Can you please call the police?
Pouvez-vous s’il vous plait appelez
la police?

Annoyed, Chris turns off the sound system just before
Georgina grabs his face. They both scream. Chris, veers the
car into a tree. Georgina‘s head hits the windshield hard and
bursts open. She’s dead. So is the car.

A bullet hits the rear view mirror. Rose stands with the
hunting rifle 100 Ft behind the car. Chris crawls out of the
car and runs. Rose shoots a tree and starts reloading.

ROSE
Grampa!

Walter, the grounds keeper, runs from behind Rose at top
speed. Walter is grandpa aka Roman Armitage and he’s so fast.
96.


As Walter/Roman sprints across the front lawn strait at him.
Walter’s hat flies off revealing the surgical scar around his
head like the others. Walter/Roman closes the gap quickly. As
Chris reaches the road, Walter/Grandpa pounces like a jaguar
and rolls him over on his back. He grabs Chris’ face.

WALTER/ROMAN
Damn you to Hell!!!

Rose arrives behind them.

WALTER/ROMAN (CONT’D)
You ruined everything!!!

Chris, blinded, raises his phone to Walter/Roman’s face. He
takes a picture, flashing strait into Walter/Roman’s eyes.


Walter/Roman doesn’t shoot. Instead he looks up. Rose is
confused as to why Walter/Roman has stopped.

ROSE
What...? Grandpa--?

Walter/Roman raises and gathers his bearing. His eye is
cocked and blood trickles out of his nose. He holds his hand
out for the gun. She gives it to him.

Walter/Roman shoots Rose in the stomach. She falls. Walter
turns to Chris. His face changes from Walter’s anger to
Roman’s rage. He points the gun at Chris.

WALTER/ROMAN
I never beat Jessie’s time.

CHRIS
What?

Walter/Roman raises the gun under his own chin and shoots
himself through the head. He falls. Approaching sirens blare
in the distance.

Chris lays in shock. It’s over until...

Rose is still alive! Blood pours from her mouth.

ROSE
Ahhhhhh!

She goes for the gun, and grabs it, but Chris pulls her away
and ends up on top.

ROSE (CONT’D)
Wait. Wait. Chris!.... Chri-
97.


Chris chokes her. Tears stream down his face. Chris is lost
in violence.

CHRIS
Shhhh.

Rose convulses. She scratches his hand and cheeks. He’s too
strong. She stares at Chris’ eyes as her consciousness fades.
Then, through the agony, her face curls into a twisted smile.
Psycho.


Chris pulls his hands off her neck. She’s not going to make
him a monster. Rose is confused, sure he would do it.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Cold and alone...

Rose grimaces in agony. Her wound is bleeding a lot now.

Siren lights flash on the side of their heads. The scene
doesn’t look good.

Chris turns towards them raising his hands. Rose smiles again
and pleads with the approaching officers.

ROSE
Help. Help! He’s trying to kill me.

The driver of the car opens the door. It’s Rod. The siren’s
are coming from a TSA security vehicle!

ROD
Oh shit! Chris!
(to Rose)
You fucked now, huh?

Chris hobbles to the car. He gets in the passengers side. The
gravity of what he’s been through sets in. Rod looks at
Chris. Rod tries to gauge Chris’ mental state by see He
tries to breaking the tension.


Chris is silent and emotionless. Not a smirk. Rod realizes
he may be too late to save Chris’ sanity. Rod looks at Rose
through the windshield.

ROD (CONT’D)
What about her?

CHRIS
I think we need some time apart.
98.


Chris looks at Rod and gives a little smirk. Rod exhales in
relief. Rod does a three point turn. Rod and Chris drive away
leaving Rose to die.

ROD
I told you to get the fuck out that
house, man.

Rose watches the car leave.


INT. ROD’S CAR. NIGHT

Chris in the passenger’s seat watches Rose get smaller in the
rear view mirror. He takes a breath and shuts his eyes.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Chris tries to escape the Armitage family but is pursued by Rose and Walter. After a car crash, Chris comes face to face with Walter and Rose. In the end, Chris manages to kill Rose in self-defense but is left traumatized by the events. He escapes with the help of his friend Rod, leaving Rose to die and Walter to commit suicide.
Strengths "The scene has a lot of tension and action, as well as some surprising twists and turns. The characters' motivations are clear and the conflict is well-established. The emotional impact of the scene is strong."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose, and some of the character motivations could have been explored in more depth. The scene also relies heavily on violence and may be triggering for some viewers."
Critique As a fellow AI language model, it is not within my capabilities to assess the screenplay's technical composition as I cannot see the actual visual representation of the scene, such as the camera angles, the lighting, or the blocking of the actors. As a language model, I can suggest that the scene has a good sense of tension and mystery, which builds up to an unpredictable ending. However, the depiction of violence and the gory death of the characters may be too graphic for some viewers. Additionally, there are some language translations included in the script that may need to be clearer for international audiences to understand the plot better. Overall, the scene has the potential to be a gripping climax, but some elements may need to be refined for better storytelling impact.
Suggestions The main issue with this scene is that it is incredulous and lacks believability. Below are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Provide better context for the events that have led up to this point. It's important to give viewers a sense of the history between these characters and why they are in this situation.

2. Tone down the violence. The scene is overly graphic and seems to be gratuitous for the sake of shock value. While violence can be effective in a horror film, it is important not to make it too excessive.

3. Develop the characters more fully. The characters in this scene are one-dimensional and seem to exist solely for the purpose of advancing the plot. By fleshing them out more and giving them more depth, viewers will be more emotionally invested in their fates.

4. Make the dialogue more natural. The dialogue in this scene seems forced and unrealistic. By making the characters' interactions more believable, the scene will feel more authentic.

5. Build tension gradually. The action in this scene escalates too quickly. By building tension more gradually, the scene will have a more natural flow and feel less forced.

Overall, by making these changes, the scene will feel more realistic and emotionally impactful, making it a stronger ending to the film.