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Scene 1 -  Preparing for Vacation with a Touch of Model-Making
EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY

A crisp and perfect New England town. Almost too neat
to be real. No visible townspeople. CAMERA EXPLORES
town.


CAMERA FLIES

over a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland Hardware and
Appliance store -- PAST the church -- the Historical
Society -- UP over the graveyard on the hill and
finally --

To the Maitland house. The perfect Victorian house
surveying the tiny village. Suddenly --


A GIANT DADDY LONGLEGS SPIDER

mounts the crest of the hill beside the house, pauses to
wave a spindly leg and then creeps menacingly on top of
the Maitland house.

ADAM (O.S..)
Well, well, you're a big fella...!

A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer,
gently reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up,
in the yard next to the house. Daddy Longlegs climbs
into it. The hand rises into the sky again.


INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY

Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while The
Daddy Longlegs and the hand are normal size. Above the
model are a homely representation of moon, sun, and
stars -- a whole, tiny, mechanical universe to track
the hours of the day. A large plat map of the city is
prominent on the wall.

The hand is ADAM MAITLAND'S. In his late 30's, he's a
solid easy-going citizen. Capra used to make movies
about him.

Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic
space. Windows on either end of the attic shed good
light into the warm room. Adam very carefully lifts
the spider out the open window. Smiles as he drips him
lightly on the breeze.


CAMERA TILTS UP FROM THE WINDOW

To see the real Winter River, laid out exactly as the
TB
model, at the foot of the hill. Adam breathes deeply
and looks very pleased at the glorious town below him.


ON HIS HUGE HAND AGAIN

as it reaches into model and tweezes a tiny sign into
the tiny window of Maitland's Hardware Store on main
street. It reads:

ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
ARE
ON VACATION!
HOORAY!

Adam leans down and eyes the sign.

BARBARA
(behind him)
I'm ready!

Adam turns to see entering: BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a
wholesome beauty who is mellowing well. She smiles at
him. Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her,
because they don't have children.

ADAM
(happy to see her)
She's ready.

BARBARA
(eyeing the model)
It looks great.

ADAM
(nodding)
Thanks.

She pushes a wrapped present across the table.

BARBARA
Happy vacation, honey!

Adam smiles and gives her a present he's hidden under
the table. He opens his present. A can of furniture
oil.

ADAM
Manchurian Tung oil?
(playfully grabs
Barbara and kisses
her)
Where did you get it?

BARBARA
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
There's enough to refinish the
gateleg table and the cherry
TB wardrobe...

Adam hands Barbara a carefully-wrapped bundle -- she
unwraps her gift... rolls of very expensive floral
wallpaper. She cradles it in her arms like gold leaf.

BARBARA
Oh, Adam... it's beautiful.

Adam nods, and embraces her.

ADAM
Enough to do the guest room...

BARBARA
(cooing)
I'm so glad we're spending our
vacation at home...
(with a sudden resolve)
... I'm going to get started right
now!

ADAM
(pulling her back)
Whoa!... hold on...

Barbara calms down, returning to Adam's embrace... as:

PHONE RINGS -- They freeze, then grin.

ADAM & BARBARA
(unison)
No one's home!

HONK HONK outside. They look at each other horrified.
Peer out the window.

BARBARA
Oh no.

ADAM
(pointing at her)
It's your turn, darling.

She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs.
KNOCKING on door from below.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Adam Maitland, a model townmaker, finishes his miniature Winter River creation and places a daddy longlegs spider in it, while his wife Barbara enters the attic with a present for him. They exchange gifts, express their excitement for their upcoming vacation, and share a few jokes. However, their peaceful moment is interrupted by the forgotten vacation voicemail message and a car honking outside. Barbara goes downstairs to answer the door, leaving Adam alone in the attic, smiling at his model town. The scene takes place during the day in the Maitland attic, filled with warm light and visual elements such as the miniature model and gifts.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Whimsical tone
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, well-written, and sets up the tone and dynamics between the characters effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a miniature town mirroring the real town, along with the fantasy elements introduced, adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Adam and Barbara preparing for a vacation at home, with hints of conflict and humor introduced.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of a model town in an attic and a giant spider, adding a fresh and imaginative element to the familiar setting of a vacation at home. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Adam and Barbara Maitland are well-developed characters with a strong emotional connection and hints of underlying sadness due to their lack of children.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between Adam and Barbara hint at deeper emotional arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to enjoy a peaceful vacation at home with his wife. This reflects his desire for domestic happiness and contentment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to relax and enjoy his vacation without any interruptions. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being on vacation and wanting to unwind.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict introduced with the unexpected visitor honking outside, adding a touch of humor.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the main narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and setting up the tone of the story.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets up the characters, their relationship, and hints at potential conflicts to come, moving the story forward incrementally.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interruptions that disrupt the protagonist's plans for a peaceful vacation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for a quiet vacation at home and the potential interruptions from outside forces, such as the phone ringing and visitors arriving unexpectedly. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values of peace and relaxation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of warmth, nostalgia, and joy, particularly in the interactions between Adam and Barbara.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Adam and Barbara is natural, warm, and reveals their relationship dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its charming and relatable characters, unique setting, and humorous dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of calm and relaxation with moments of tension and humor.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic setting in a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting, character interactions, and dialogue.


Critique
    Suggestions
    • Open the scene with the model town already built to create a sense of mystery and intrigue, and then slowly reveal that Adam is the creator.



    Scene 2 -  The Maitlands' Morning: A Real Estate Offer and a Refusal
    INT. STAIRCASE AND KITCHEN - DAY

    CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam and Barbara downstairs. We see the
    rambling, old fashioned quality to the house.

    Clean, sentimental, warm and floral. Some rooms in
    progress. They continue down the main staircase past
    photos of themselves, old photos of the early days of
    Winter River, pictures and mementos of three
    generations in hardware. Barbara goes to the kitchen
    TB
    and Adam continues down to the basement.


    HER POV - A WOMAN

    JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive peeks in
    the kitchen door. She's divorced three husbands and
    buried another for good measure. She's ruthless but is
    weirdly, seamlessly pleasant. She waves a legal sized
    paper at them, starts to come inside.


    INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR

    Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets
    a foot in. Jane smiles wildly.

    JANE
    Hi, Barb! I'm glad I caught you.
    I heard you were on vacation!

    BARBARA
    That's right, Jane. Complete
    vacation.

    JANE
    Honey -- today I am three hundred
    fifty thousand dollars!

    BARBARA
    No! Jane, it is 6:45 in the
    morning!

    JANE
    Look at me, think of me as cash!
    This offer is really real! From a
    rich man in New York City who only
    saw a photograph!
    (rattles on)
    My buyer has just made a killing
    in condos in Manhattan, but he's
    got a little stress problem...
    (taps her head)
    ... so -- he wants to bring the
    wife and kid for the old peace and
    quiet.

    BARBARA
    That's what we're looking for,
    too.

    JANE
    Barbara Maitland, sweetie, just
    listen now. This house is too
    big. It really ought to be for a
    couple with a family.

    That hurts Barbara a little. She looks at Jane.
    TB JANE
    (continuing)
    Oh, honey... I didn't mean
    anything... it's just too big for
    you.

    Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside.
    in the windowpane.

    BARBARA
    (shutting door)
    'Bye, Jane, see you in a few
    weeks.


    ADAM

    is humming happily, looking for paint brushes in the
    ground floor storeroom. He spies a cassette deck and
    looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one. It
    is an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara Maitland continue down the main staircase of their old-fashioned house. Barbara goes to the kitchen while Adam continues to the basement. A real estate agent named Jane Butterfield arrives and tries to convince Barbara to sell the house for 350,000 dollars. Barbara refuses, and Adam listens to an Inkspots love song in the ground floor storeroom. Jane's offer creates a conflict, as Barbara wants to keep the house while Jane thinks it's too big for them. The scene ends with Barbara shutting the door on Jane and Adam listening to the Inkspots love song.
    Strengths
    • Witty dialogue
    • Engaging character interactions
    • Blend of humor and sentimentality
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of significant character development
    • Relatively low stakes

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor and sentimentality, engaging the audience with witty dialogue and unexpected interactions.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of unexpected guests disrupting the main characters' morning routine is entertaining and sets the stage for further developments.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the unexpected visit introduces new conflicts and dynamics between the characters.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic conflict of intrusion and privacy, with unique character dynamics and witty dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-defined and their interactions are engaging, adding depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between the characters are further established.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of control and composure in the face of Jane's aggressive and intrusive behavior. This reflects Barbara's desire to protect her home and family from outside influences.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with Jane's intrusive business proposition and get her to leave the house. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining boundaries and privacy in their home.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    There is a mild conflict introduced through the unexpected visit, adding tension to the scene.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jane's aggressive intrusion posing a significant challenge to Barbara and Adam's desire for privacy.

    High Stakes: 5

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and relationships, setting the stage for future developments.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of Jane's unexpected intrusion and aggressive sales pitch, adding tension and uncertainty to the interaction.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Barbara's desire for privacy and Jane's aggressive intrusion. This challenges Barbara's values of family and home as a safe space.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to nostalgia, resonating with the audience.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the relationships between the characters effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and escalating conflict between Barbara and Jane.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining audience interest through dynamic character interactions.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution.


    Critique
    • The scene is too long and does not have a clear focus.
    • The dialogue is repetitive and does not move the plot forward.
    • The characters are not well developed and their motivations are unclear.
    • The scene does not contribute to the overall story and could be cut without losing anything.
    • The writing is weak and could be improved by using more active voice and descriptive language.
    Suggestions
    • Cut the scene and move the action to the next scene.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to be more concise and to move the plot forward.
    • Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and backstories.
    • Use more active voice and descriptive language to improve the writing.



    Scene 3 -  Papering the Walls and a Rickety Bridge Ride
    INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY

    Barbara is starting to paper the walls already. She
    frowns at the MUSIC. Goes to the door.

    BARBARA
    Oh, honey. You said no Inkspots
    on this vacation!

    It CLICKS OFF. She goes back into the room.


    INT. STOREROOM - DAY

    Adam puts away the tape but keeps humming the song. He
    opens the shutters on a small window. ON WINDOW...

    JANE
    (her huge face
    grinning at him)
    Boo!

    He jumps back, frightened.

    ADAM
    No, Jane.

    Adam closes the shutters as Jane affixes yet another
    card to the window. He continues his search for a
    brush.


    JANE
    TB
    exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn.


    INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

    Adam continues rummaging for a brush. Can't find it.

    ADAM
    (calling to distant
    Barbara)
    Honey, come with me down to the
    store?

    BARBARA (O.S.)
    What for?

    ADAM
    I need a good brush for this Tung
    oil and I want to pick up a piece
    of the model. Let's go early
    before anyone sees us.

    Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest
    room.

    BARBARA
    Okay, but let's hurry back. You
    just run in okay?


    EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY

    The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh."
    Adam stands by the station wagon.

    On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading:
    WARNING: I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS.

    Barbara gets in driver's side. They drive off.


    INT. THE CAR - DAY

    Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard. Clean Clean.

    BARBARA
    (preoccupied)
    Jane said we should sell the house
    to someone with a family.

    ADAM
    Ah, the ever-tactful Jane.

    Puts his hand on her shoulder.


    EXT. THE RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY
    TB
    We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge.

    ADAM (V.O.)
    We should be flattered that she
    wants to sell our house.

    BARBARA (V.O.)
    I know... I just wish she'd leave
    us alone.

    ADAM (V.O.)
    Let's not think about it. We'll
    have a nice romantic, quiet,
    vacation. Here comes the bridge
    chorus.

    Car reaches the rickety covered bridge. Car shakes,
    bobbing up and down on every plank.

    ON Barbara and Adam TIGHT -- (they've done this routine
    before). They sing an old Johnny Mathis song. With a
    lot of vibrato.

    TOGETHER
    Chances are... When I wear a
    foolish grin...

    They laugh.
    Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

    Summary In the Maitland house, Barbara gets frustrated with the Inkspots music while papering the guest room walls. Jane's fixation on the window startles Adam in the storage room. To get a brush and a piece of the model, Adam asks Barbara to join him for a store run. They drive off in the car, singing an old Johnny Mathis song, leaving behind the daytime setting of the house, storage room, and rickety bridge.
    Strengths
    • Strong character dynamics
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Authentic relationships portrayed
    Weaknesses
    • Low level of conflict
    • Limited character development in this specific scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is well-written with a good balance of humor, romance, and conflict. It effectively sets up the main characters' relationship dynamics and introduces the external conflict of selling their house.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene is strong as it establishes the central conflict of the story - the Maitlands' reluctance to sell their house. It also introduces the theme of home and belonging.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing the real estate agent and the dilemma of selling the house. The romantic singing in the car adds a light-hearted touch.

    Originality: 8

    The scene introduces unique situations such as the characters' banter and the rickety covered bridge, adding authenticity to the dialogue and actions.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Adam and Barbara are well-developed and their relationship is portrayed authentically. Jane Butterfield is a memorable and quirky character who adds humor to the scene.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential growth and development as the story progresses.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of privacy and relaxation during her vacation. This reflects her deeper need for peace and tranquility away from external pressures.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a brush for Tung oil and a piece of the model. This reflects the immediate challenge of completing a task while on vacation.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    The conflict in the scene is relatively low-key but sets up the larger conflict of whether to sell the house. The tension between the Maitlands and Jane adds a layer of conflict.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in the scene is moderate, with minor obstacles and conflicts that add tension without overwhelming the characters.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the potential sale of the house being a significant decision for the characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts and establishing the characters' motivations and relationships.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected humor and character reactions, keeping the audience engaged.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of privacy and personal space versus external interference and expectations. This challenges the protagonists' beliefs about autonomy and control over their own lives.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene has a moderate emotional impact, especially in showcasing the Maitlands' attachment to their home and their strong bond as a couple.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty and natural, reflecting the characters' personalities. The banter between Adam and Barbara is particularly engaging.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, playful interactions, and the characters' dynamic personalities.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with action and maintaining a sense of momentum.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

    Structure: 9

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


    Critique
    • The scene is too short and doesn't provide much context or character development.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
    • The action is unclear and confusing.
    • The scene doesn't seem to have a clear purpose or direction.
    • The scene is too focused on exposition and doesn't provide enough conflict or drama.
    Suggestions
    • Expand the scene and provide more context and character development.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
    • Clarify the action and make it easier to follow.
    • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction.
    • Add more conflict or drama to the scene.



    Scene 4 -  A Quiet Morning in Winter River: The Maitlands, Jane Butterfield, and Old Bill
    EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY

    Just like the model, but real. And populated.

    CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass
    lion out front. Sign above doors says --

    BOZMAN BUILDING 1835

    An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and
    wave.

    BARBARA (V.O.)
    Wave at the lion.

    ADAM (V.O.)
    Don't forget the balls, Ernie.

    BARBARA (V.O.)
    (embarrassed)
    Adam!

    Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes
    the balls of the lion.


    CAMERA SPIES A JAUNTY DOG
    TB
    like Benji, peeing on the opposite corner of the lion.
    Maitlands drive by store with sign:

    JANE BUTTERFIELD
    ANTIQUES
    REAL ESTATE
    TRAVEL


    INT. ANTIQUE STORE REAL ESTATE OFFICE TRAVEL AGENCY -
    DAY

    The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts,
    travel brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a
    serve-yourself Xerox machine. LITTLE JANE, her eight-
    year-old daughter is drudgingly making copies.

    Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch
    Maitlands drive by. Almost popping the cord when it
    reaches its end. She's waiting for the other party to
    pick up.

    JANE
    Y... ello. Mrs. Deetz? Well the
    condition is what we country folk
    call, fixin'... Yes, I think they
    are fixin' to accept another
    offer. Well maybe if you offer
    390,000 they'll take it.


    EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY

    Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store.
    OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping
    in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's.
    Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conver-
    sation. He drops his keys, waking Old Bill.

    OLD BILL
    'Morning, Adam. You need a
    haircut before your vacation?

    ADAM
    No thanks, Bill.

    OLD BILL
    How's the model coming?

    ADAM
    Good, Bill -- Good.

    Bill turns around and continues prattling even though
    Adam has entered. Bill prattles throughout.

    OLD BILL
    Y'know, I was thinkin'... you said
    Bozman built the foundation in
    TB 1835 but y'know his grandson came
    in here last week and said he
    found a bottle with an 1836 stamp
    in it plastered in the foundation.
    (suddenly disgusted
    at the memory)
    He's got hair down to his
    goddamned shoulders...
    Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

    Summary The scene opens with the Maitlands driving by the Bozman Building and waving at a brass lion outside. Inside, Jane Butterfield's daughter is making copies while Jane discusses a real estate offer on the phone. The setting then shifts to the Maitland Hardware store, where Old Bill, a barber, naps and chats with Adam about his vacation and a model he's building. The tone is light and humorous, with no major conflicts. The scene ends with Old Bill continuing to talk, even after Adam has entered the hardware store.
    Strengths
    • Quirky characters
    • Humorous dialogue
    • Engaging setting
    Weaknesses
    • Potential lack of emotional depth
    • Character development could be more pronounced

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively introduces the audience to the charming small town of Winter River and sets up potential conflicts with the introduction of the real estate agent Jane Butterfield.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a small town with eccentric characters and the potential conflict of selling the Maitland's house is engaging and well-executed.

    Plot: 7

    The plot introduces the conflict of selling the Maitland's house and sets up potential obstacles for the characters to overcome.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the small-town setting by incorporating elements of history, humor, and community dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding a layer of originality to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are quirky, well-defined, and add depth to the scene. Their interactions and unique personalities drive the narrative forward.

    Character Changes: 5

    There are subtle hints at character growth and change, especially in the interactions between the Maitlands and Jane Butterfield.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and routine in the face of impending changes and uncertainties. Adam is focused on his work and the model he is building, using it as a distraction from the disruptions happening around him.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a vacation and ensure that his hardware store is running smoothly in his absence. He is also dealing with the challenge of changes in the town's history and the potential impact on his work.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict between the Maitlands and Jane Butterfield sets up tension and potential obstacles for the characters.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with hints of conflicts and challenges that the characters will need to overcome. The uncertainty surrounding the town's history and the characters' personal goals create a sense of opposition that adds depth to the narrative.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are relatively high for the Maitlands as they face the potential loss of their home.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts and setting up future developments.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discoveries and interactions between the characters. The subtle hints at underlying tensions and conflicts add a layer of intrigue and uncertainty to the narrative.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between preserving the past and embracing the future. Adam's focus on his model and the town's history clashes with the changes happening around him, symbolized by the discovery of a bottle with a different date in the foundation of a building.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    While the scene is light-hearted and humorous, there is potential for emotional depth as the conflict unfolds.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, quirky characters, and intriguing plot developments. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding mysteries keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains the audience's interest and drives the story forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in setting up the plot and character dynamics.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined settings, character interactions, and dialogue sequences. It maintains a cohesive flow and pacing that align with the genre expectations.


    Critique
    • The scene is too long and could be cut down to make it more concise and impactful.
    • The dialogue is a bit too expository and could be more natural and conversational.
    • The characters are not very well developed and could be given more depth and motivation.
    • The setting is not very well described and could be more immersive and evocative.
    • The action is not very clear and could be more visually interesting.
    Suggestions
    • Cut down the scene to make it more concise and impactful.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
    • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
    • Describe the setting more vividly to make it more immersive and evocative.
    • Make the action more clear and visually interesting.



    Scene 5 -  An Accident and an Unexplained Fire: A Perilous Afternoon for Adam and Barbara
    INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE

    Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully
    picks up a small model of the Bozman building. He
    walks out. Old Bill continues unabated.

    OLD BILL
    He said "Just give me a trim..." I
    took a scissors to him so fast...
    would've skimmed him clean if he
    hadn't...

    Adam strides by quickly to the car.

    ADAM
    See you, Bill.

    OLD BILL
    Right.


    EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY

    The Maitlands drive their car out of town.


    ON JANE


    EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY

    Car approaches.


    INT. CAR - DAY

    Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam. He cradles
    small replica of the Bozman building, complete with
    brass lion.

    BARBARA
    It's a beauty.

    ADAM
    Yeah it turned out okay. We
    applied for a historical plaque
    for it. That'll be the third one
    on Main Street.
    TB BARBARA
    (jokingly)
    With all these historical
    landmarks in town, where are they
    going to put the condominiums?

    ADAM
    (grinning)
    Slow down there, honey... I don't
    want the vibration to weaken the
    model.

    BARBARA
    (nervous)
    Oh... I'm sorry...

    Barbara starts to apply the brakes.

    Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road.
    Stops to pee. Barbara swerves. As the car hits the
    rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much.

    Boards RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches in
    an open slot, careens to the right, then the left and
    the bridge.


    INT. CAR - DAY

    A piling has smashed through the window on the pas-
    senger side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's
    arm. She is wailing in pain and fright.

    Adam tries to help Barbara. He tries to get out of the
    car. None of this succeeds.


    EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY

    The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across
    the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the
    car aloft.

    The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then
    slides forward toward the water.


    EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE

    The car plunges into the rushing water. It floats
    for a moment, and then sinks like a stone.

    FADE TO BLACK.


    FADE IN:
    TB
    INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

    Quiet, still, expectant. There is a fire laid in the
    hearth. Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites
    and burns with a furious cheerfulness.

    Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled.

    BARBARA
    Something like this always happens
    when we try to go on vacation.
    Always.

    Adam leads her toward the fire.

    ADAM
    You'll feel better when you're
    dry.

    He holds out his hands to be warmed. Barbara comes up
    beside him. All this time she's been holding her
    injured arm with the other hand.

    BARBARA
    This fire wasn't burning when we
    left the house.

    ADAM
    How's your arm?

    BARBARA
    I'm not sure. It feels... frozen.

    She holds her arms out to warm them. One hand catches
    on fire.


    BARBARA'S LEFT ARM

    They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his
    senses and snatches it out of the fire. Two of the
    fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara indus-
    triously blows them out.

    BARBARA
    Oh, Adam.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Comedy"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara, a married couple, leave a hardware store with painting supplies for the Bozman building model. As they drive away, they hit a dog, which leads to their car swerving off a bridge and crashing into a river, injuring Barbara's arm. Upon returning home, a fire inexplicably starts, and Barbara's injured arm catches fire, adding to the mysterious and unsettling atmosphere.
    Strengths
    • Unexpected twist
    • Emotional impact
    • Realistic character reactions
    Weaknesses
    • Sudden shift in tone may be jarring for some viewers

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a memorable and impactful moment in the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a seemingly ordinary car ride turning into a life-threatening situation on a bridge adds depth and tension to the narrative.

    Plot: 7

    The plot takes a surprising turn with the car accident, leading to a significant development in the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a unique blend of historical preservation and modern development, adding depth to the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' reactions to the unexpected events also contributes to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters react realistically to the sudden crisis, showcasing their emotions and vulnerabilities.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters undergo a significant change in their circumstances and emotions due to the bridge incident.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Adam's internal goal in this scene is to protect his wife Barbara and ensure her safety. This reflects his deeper need for security and love, as well as his fear of losing someone important to him.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the car safely across the bridge. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding an accident and reaching their destination.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict reaches a peak with the car accident, creating a high-stakes situation for the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles and challenges that the characters must overcome. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

    High Stakes: 9

    The high stakes of life and death add tension and urgency to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major obstacle for the characters to overcome.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events, such as the car accident and Barbara's injury. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of preserving history and embracing progress. This challenges Adam's beliefs about the importance of historical landmarks in the face of modern development.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially with Barbara's injury and the subsequent fire.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue is natural and serves to build the relationship between the characters before the unexpected event.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, unexpected events, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to the climactic car accident. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action sequences and character interactions. It maintains a good pace and builds tension effectively.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people do not normally talk.
    • The action is repetitive and boring. The characters spend most of the scene driving and talking about their vacation.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The car crashes into the river, but there is no resolution to the conflict.
    • The scene is full of unnecessary details. The writer spends too much time describing the setting and the characters' actions, which slows down the pace of the story.
    Suggestions
    • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
    • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using stilted or formal language.
    • Add more variety to the action. Include scenes that show the characters interacting with each other and their environment.
    • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict. Don't just end the scene abruptly.
    • Cut out unnecessary details. Focus on the most important elements of the story and eliminate anything that is not essential.



    Scene 6 -  Adam's Disappearance and the Approaching Gears
    INT. LIVING ROOM: A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY

    They are sitting on the couch together. Barbara is
    looking away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is
    drawing blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers. He
    frowns.

    He looks at his skin. It is pale. He looks at
    TB
    Barbara.

    ADAM
    You'd better sit down, hon.

    BARBARA
    I am sitting.

    ADAM
    I'll tell you what, Barbara. I
    don't think we survived that
    crash.

    BARBARA
    (pause)
    Oh, Adam. We're home. In our own
    house. Nonsense. I'll make some
    coffee. You get some more
    firewood.

    Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he
    wanders to the front door. He peers out.

    ADAM
    Let's take things extra slow. Do
    you remember how we got back up
    here?

    Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her
    fist.

    BARBARA
    I'm fine. My arm works fine.

    Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front
    porch.


    EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT

    Adam's face is painted with color of sunset. He stands
    atop the steps leading down to the front yard. Barbara
    stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
    worriedly.

    BARBARA
    (quiet sarcasm)
    The end of a perfect day.

    Adam starts to step down to the yard.

    ADAM
    Honey, I'm gonna go down to the
    bridge and retrace our steps.

    He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
    disappears.
    TB Adam!
    BARBARA



    EXT. THE GREAT VOID

    Adam is nowhere. There's no ground, no sky, nothing to
    stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance.
    Just vast nothing. Not white and not colored either.
    NOISE OF A CLOCK TICKING.

    Adam looks about surprised, doesn't like what he
    doesn't see. He turns around to head back up the
    steps. There are no steps.

    ADAM
    Barbara?

    His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY. He runs off a little in
    the distance, and calls again from over there.

    ADAM
    (continuing; quietly)
    Where are you?

    He goes even farther away.


    IN THE FOREGROUND

    an enormous geared wheel -- the size of a man -- rolls
    by, tearing up the unseamed ground. Something pours up
    out of the tear -- ooze or stuffing.

    Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is
    now out of sight.


    TWO SMALLER GEARS

    looking very much like components of a giant watch --
    spin along behind him. One of them veers suddenly
    toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the
    gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it. LOUD
    TICKING.


    A PERFECTLY ENORMOUS GEAR

    comes barreling toward him. Adam leaps out of its
    way. The gear turns, fish-tailing, kicking up ooze and
    stuffing.

    Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips
    into the path of the gear. As he's about to be
    crushed, he's suddenly jerked up to safety.
    TB
    Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Mystery"]

    Summary In the living room of their house, Adam and Barbara have a tense conversation about the crash. Adam, looking pale and possibly injured, tells Barbara that he doesn't think they survived. She dismisses his concerns, but he decides to go outside and retrace their steps. As he disappears into a void, giant gears appear and nearly crush him, but he is jerked to safety. The scene ends with Adam's panicked calls for Barbara from within the void.
    Strengths
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    • Intriguing concept
    • Eerie tone
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Dialogue could be more engaging

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next. The eerie tone and unexpected turn of events contribute to a high rating.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of characters entering a strange void and encountering surreal elements like giant gears is unique and intriguing. It adds depth to the story and creates a sense of mystery.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Adam disappears into the void, raising questions about the nature of their reality and setting up further mysteries to be explored. The unexpected turn of events adds tension to the narrative.

    Originality: 9

    The scene is highly original in its depiction of a surreal and dreamlike world, with fresh and inventive descriptions of the characters' surroundings and experiences. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 6

    While the characters' reactions to the strange events are realistic, there is limited development in this scene. More insight into their personalities and motivations could enhance the overall impact.

    Character Changes: 5

    While Adam's disappearance marks a significant change in the scene, there is limited development in the characters' arcs. More exploration of their reactions and growth could enhance this aspect.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make sense of their surroundings and understand what is happening to them. This reflects their deeper need for control and stability in a chaotic and unpredictable situation.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to find a way back to safety and figure out how they ended up in this strange place. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and navigation in a hostile environment.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    The conflict in the scene arises from the mysterious disappearance of Adam and the surreal elements encountered in the void. It creates tension and keeps the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing overwhelming odds and challenges that test their resolve and resourcefulness. The audience is kept in suspense as they wonder how the characters will overcome the obstacles in their path.

    High Stakes: 7

    The high stakes in the scene are evident through Adam's disappearance and the surreal dangers encountered in the void. It adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and raising questions about the characters' reality. It sets up further developments and keeps the audience engaged.

    Unpredictability: 9

    This scene is unpredictable because it defies expectations and challenges the audience's perceptions of reality. The sudden shifts in setting and the characters' encounters with strange and surreal elements keep the audience guessing and intrigued.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to make sense of a reality that defies logic and reason. This challenges their beliefs about the nature of existence and the boundaries of perception.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes feelings of anxiety, curiosity, and confusion in the audience, drawing them into the mysterious world presented. The emotional impact adds depth to the narrative.

    Dialogue: 5

    The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and emotions, but it could be more engaging and reflective of the characters' unique voices. There is room for improvement in this aspect.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a mysterious and unsettling world, keeping them on edge and eager to uncover the secrets and meaning behind the characters' experiences.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is deliberate and methodical, building tension and suspense as the characters navigate the strange and unpredictable world around them. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of disorientation and unease.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre of surreal and psychological drama, with a focus on visual storytelling and atmospheric descriptions. It enhances the overall mood and tone of the scene.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows a non-linear and unconventional format, reflecting the dreamlike and disorienting nature of the characters' experiences. It effectively conveys the sense of confusion and uncertainty.


    Critique
    • The scene is short and doesn't provide much context or character development.
    • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural.
    • The transition to the void is abrupt and jarring.
    Suggestions
    • Expand the scene to give the reader a better sense of the characters and their relationship.
    • Make the dialogue more natural and conversational.
    • Add a transition to the void that is more gradual and less jarring.



    Scene 7 -  Realization of the Afterlife
    EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

    It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently
    saved his life -- not life, perhaps -- but existence.
    He's shaken, breathless.

    Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just
    been through.

    ADAM
    (weakly)
    You saved my -- uh -- life... or
    whatever...

    BARBARA
    Two hours.

    ADAM
    What?

    BARBARA
    That's how long you were gone.

    ADAM
    (pondering that)
    ... Hmmm?


    INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    Barbara leads Adam into the house.

    ADAM
    Anything happen while I was away?

    BARBARA
    Yes, it did. Yes, it did. I made
    a couple of small discoveries.


    BARBARA

    stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle. On the
    mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain
    horses. Adam comes to stand beside her. They look
    into the mirror, and there is no reflection of them.

    Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through
    the air. The horse is imaged in the mirror.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    There's that, and there's this.

    She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book. It's
    yellow and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout
    manual.
    TB
    CLOSEUP: Its title is HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY
    DECEASED.

    ADAM
    (reading)
    Handbook for the recently
    diseased.

    BARBARA
    Deceased. I don't know where it
    came from. Look at the publisher.

    ADAM
    (he does and reads)
    Handbook for the Recently Deceased
    Press.

    BARBARA
    (finally admit-
    ting it)
    I don't think we survived the
    crash.


    INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

    Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook.
    Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a
    ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of
    their married lives.

    BARBARA
    I don't like situations like this.
    I hate it when I'm not in control.
    So just tell me the basics.

    ADAM
    This book isn't arranged that
    way. What do you want to know?

    BARBARA
    There are a thousand things... Why
    did you disappear when you walked
    off the front porch? Is this a
    punishment? Are we halfway to
    heaven or are we halfway to hell?
    And how long is this going to
    last?

    ADAM
    I don't see anything about
    "Rewards and Punishments" or
    "Heaven and Hell."
    (frustrated)
    This book reads like stereo
    instructions! Listen to this...
    'Geographical and Temporal
    Perimeters... Functional
    TB perimeters vary from manifestation
    to manifestation." This is going
    to take some time.


    BARBARA

    paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls. Kicks them.

    BARBARA
    I knew I'd never finish the guest
    room. Adam, we just can't stay in
    here forever!

    They look at each other, the question hangs in the air.
    Can't they?

    Adam stands and walks to the window.

    ADAM
    (thoughtfully)
    Maybe we should set up a normal
    routine.

    She looks at him like he's nuts.

    ADAM
    (continuing)
    I mean, let's try to nail down
    something in our lives. A regular
    schedule. We can keep track of
    time and go on with our projects
    up here in the attic.

    She shakes her head, exasperated. Flops down on the
    bed.

    BARBARA
    Oh, God, maybe this is all just a
    bad dream.

    ON ADAM - TIGHT - a somber look comes across his face.

    ADAM
    I'm afraid not, honey.

    Barbara looks up at him, questioningly.

    BARBARA
    Why? What's wrong? Adam?

    She stands and joins him at the window.


    THEIR POV THROUGH THE WINDOW

    In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession
    threading its way toward the nearby cemetery. Head-
    TB
    lights are on. We recognize Jane's car in the line.


    REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM

    somber faces.


    TIGHTER ON PROCESSION

    It arrives at the gravesite. We see some familiar
    faces, Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber. Jane and little
    Jane watch as two identical coffins are carried to-
    gether, to two open graves.


    ON BARBARA AND ADAM

    She drops her head sadly on his shoulder. He leans his
    face slightly into hers.

    FADE OUT.


    FADE IN:
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Drama"]

    Summary Barbara and Adam, now realizing they might be deceased, discover a handbook for the recently deceased. Their fear and uncertainty grow as they observe their own funeral procession in the distance, including Jane's car. The main conflict lies in Barbara's fear of not being in control and her worry about being stuck in their current state. Adam suggests setting up a normal routine to help them cope. The scene takes place at night, starting on the front porch and moving into the living room, bedroom, and finally at a window overlooking a distant cemetery. Key pieces of dialogue include Barbara mentioning her discoveries and Adam reading from the handbook, discussing their fears and concerns about their current situation.
    Strengths
    • Intriguing concept
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Emotional depth
    Weaknesses
    • Some pacing issues in dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively introduces a mysterious and thought-provoking concept while maintaining a somber and reflective tone. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the discovery of the handbook adds intrigue to the plot.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of exploring the afterlife and the characters' realization that they may not have survived the crash is intriguing and sets up a unique premise for the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the characters make discoveries about their situation and begin to question their reality. The scene sets up important questions and conflicts that drive the story forward.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and unique elements such as the Handbook for the Recently Deceased and the characters' struggle to understand their new existence. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' actions.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters show depth and emotion as they grapple with the revelations in the scene. Their interactions and reactions add layers to their personalities.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters undergo a shift in their understanding of their situation, leading to internal growth and development as they come to terms with their new reality.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with their new reality of being deceased and navigate the uncertainty and confusion that comes with it.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to understand the rules and implications of their new existence and figure out how to move forward in this afterlife.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict arises from the characters' realization that they may not have survived the crash, leading to internal and external struggles as they try to make sense of their situation.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene adds complexity and challenges the characters' beliefs and values, creating a sense of uncertainty and mystery for the audience.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the characters realize the implications of not having survived the crash and must navigate the mysteries of the afterlife.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing important revelations and conflicts that set up future developments in the plot.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unique elements and challenges the characters' beliefs and values, keeping the audience intrigued.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs about the afterlife, punishment, and control. Barbara's fear of not being in control and the uncertainty of their situation challenge their beliefs and values.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of sadness, confusion, and curiosity as the characters grapple with their new reality and the mysteries surrounding their existence.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters' thoughts and feelings. It also sets up questions and conflicts that drive the scene forward.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a mysterious and emotional journey of the characters as they navigate their new reality.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the setting and character interactions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the characters' internal and external goals. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two people.
    • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what's preventing them from doing so.
    • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. It could be more engaging if it moved a little faster.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
    • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene.
    • Speed up the pacing of the scene by cutting unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying and leave the reader with a sense of closure.



    Scene 8 -  Ghostly Beginnings: The Maitlands and the Arrival of the Deetz Family
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town
    cemetery. It reads: ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND/UNITED
    IN LIFE/UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.

    ADAM
    I wish I had a better view of the
    cemetery from up here. I don't
    know which area is the best
    placement for us.

    Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated YELP!
    She paces.

    ADAM
    (continuing)
    Cabin fever, han?

    BARBARA
    I can't clean anything. The
    vacuum is out in the garage. I
    can't leave the house. Why don't
    they tell us something? Where are
    all the other dead people in the
    world? Why is it just you and me?

    ADAM
    Maybe this is heaven.

    BARBARA
    (looking at the
    TB dusty walls)
    In heaven there wouldn't be dust
    on the wallpaper.

    ADAM
    Hon... I didn't want to die, but
    really, this is fine with me.
    Look, we never have to wash dishes
    again.

    BARBARA
    Dishes? We haven't eaten in three
    weeks! Adam, I'm not like you. I
    really need to be around people,
    get out to the church and go
    grocery shopping.

    ADAM
    But I'm not hungry, are you?

    Barbara shakes her head and picks up the Handbook and
    pages through it desperately.

    BARBARA
    I keep having this feeling that
    something has got to happen.

    CAR DOOR SLAMS outside. Adam and Barbara look at one
    another. Run to window.


    EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

    Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her.

    ADAM
    God, it's Jane.

    BARBARA
    What's she doing here?

    ADAM
    I don't know.
    (shouting)
    Jane, Jane, up here!


    EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

    Unhearing, Jane heads for car. SOUND OF WIND UP.
    Blows her dress. Little Jane straggles along with her
    like an apprentice.
    TB
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head. He stops.

    BARBARA
    She can't see you, right?

    Adam nods.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    In the book, Rule Number Two: the
    living usually won't see the dead.

    ADAM
    Won't? Or can't?

    BARBARA
    Just says "won't." Wait a minute.
    Here it says "the living are
    arrogant... they think they'll
    never die, so they refuse to see
    the dead."

    ADAM
    Arrogant. That's Jane all right...

    Barbara sighs and nods.

    BARBARA
    At least we won't have to worry
    about her.

    Adam smiles and goes to his model.


    EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

    Jane drives away. CAMERA HINGES to see a FOR SALE
    sign. Across it -- another smaller banner. It reads:
    SOLD!

    CUT TO:


    INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING

    The Maitlands are asleep. CAMERA EXPLORES the room a
    bit. It is getting slightly tatty. Adam rolls over,
    pulling the covers off Barbara. We see:

    ON BARBARA -- she is hovering off the side of the bed.

    An OMINOUS RUMBLE -- like a 4.0 earthquake shakes
    the house. GLASS RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the
    mantelpiece jump around. Barbara falls to the floor.
    They look at one another with horror. They leap up and
    TB
    run downstairs.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

    The RUMBLE BUILDS TO A CLIMAX, there is a LOUD METALLIC
    SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam
    arrive.


    THE FRONT DOOR

    smashes open revealing a moving van ramp.


    A TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH

    slides smoothly down the ramp. On the couch sits DELIA
    DEETZ.

    The couch CRASHES into the base of the staircase,
    smashing the newel post and several of the balusters.
    Barbara cringes. One of the balusters falls at Delia's
    side. She grasps it like a scepter.

    Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.

    MOVING MAN #1
    Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.

    DELIA
    Don't worry. It was going anyway.

    Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashion-
    able, relentlessly thin -- totally self assured.

    She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara
    and Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale
    image.

    Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks
    through Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there
    (which to her eyes they're not).

    Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch
    and moves into the living room, surveying it with an
    odd mixture of ambition, and resolution.


    BEHIND HER

    the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue leather
    armchair. In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.

    Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and
    overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite
    color, black. She's a combination of a little death
    rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little
    TB
    girls.

    She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck
    -- and is already taking photographs of the moving
    men. Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her
    father's daughter by his first marriage. Lydia is
    usually about half-pissed off. But underneath... we
    like her a lot.

    The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for
    Delia to decide where she wants it.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    Jesus. Who lived here? The
    Waltons?

    TIGHT ON Lydia -- calmly surveys the house.

    Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the
    chair down anywhere.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    Get all this other crap out of
    here.

    Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther
    into the living room.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    Where is your father?... probably
    in the kitchen.

    That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through
    the swinging door, and across the dining room... a ner-
    vous but basically pleasant man, CHARLES DEETZ is
    intent on attacking rest and relaxation with the same
    vengeance that earned him millions in real estate.

    CHARLES
    The noise in that kitchen. Noisy
    refrigerator, noisy faucets...
    We'll have to replace it all. I
    want no humming in the house.


    LYDIA

    exploring on her own, gazes around the living room with
    growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to
    photograph.

    CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up
    to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature.

    Charles enters.
    TB CHARLES
    (to Lydia)
    What do you think, honey?

    LYDIA
    Delia hates it.

    Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    I could live here.

    A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream. It is
    Delia. Not Barbara.

    DELIA
    Settle down, Lydia. I wonder
    where we are going to get
    counseling for you out here.

    A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's
    attention to the front windows.

    OTHO (O.S.)
    Help! Oh help!


    OTHO'S MASSIVE BODY

    Wedged in the window frame. The short, stubby legs,
    dressed in the world's largest pair of Georgia Armani
    slacks, protrude into the living room, waving fran-
    tically. Expensive Italian loafers are kicked off the
    feet, revealing a pair of expensive patterned socks.
    By their feet shall ye know them.

    DELIA
    It's Otho!

    CHARLES
    Otho, why didn't you just come in
    the door?

    Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance.

    OTHO (O.S.)
    It's bad luck. And I believe
    hugely in luck.

    DELIA
    Hold your breath and we'll pull.

    Delia turns to Charles and Lydia for help -- doesn't
    get it -- and at last pulls Otho into the living room
    single-handedly.
    TB
    All this while the Moving Men are variously carting out
    the handsome old furniture and bringing in the hideous
    new furniture.

    Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and
    faggoty. But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer
    carries nasty emotional weight as well.


    OTHO

    holds onto the curtains for support as he is pulled
    through the window. And when he is at last all the way
    through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly gives a
    tremendous yank. The whole drapery apparatus,
    including valences, crashes to the floor.

    OTHO
    That was the single most
    unattractive window treatment I
    have ever seen in the entire of my
    existence.

    DELIA
    (starry eyed)
    I'm so glad you could leave the
    city to consult me, Otho.

    Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet
    horror.

    OTHO
    Yes, of course you are. Well,
    Otho had an intuition. Call it a
    hunch -- that it was going to be a
    fabled monstrosity of a house.
    And it certainly is. Charles,
    you're lucky the yuppies are
    buying condos, so you can afford
    what I'm going to have to do to
    this place. We are talking from
    the ground ups'ville!

    CHARLES
    That's fine, Otho. Just keep me
    out of it. I am here to relax and
    clip coupons. And goddamnit, I
    mean to do it.

    He exits to find solace in a quiet corner of his house.
    During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously pos-
    ing for Lydia's camera. She clicks the shutter.

    OTHO
    (ignoring her)
    Is the rest of the house as bad as
    this?
    TB DELIA
    The rest of the house is probably
    worse. When can you and I get
    started?

    OTHO
    No time like the present, as my
    wicked stepmother used to say.

    Out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani
    jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind
    the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they
    were castanets. They certainly sound like it.

    OTHO
    Delia, let's get this show on the
    road.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Drama"]

    Summary In their afterlife, Adam and Barbara Maitland struggle to accept their new existence as they observe the living Delia, Lydia Deetz, and Otho plan to renovate their cherished home. The Maitlands, invisible to the living, cannot express their concerns as they come to terms with their death and the changes in their home.
    Strengths
    • Strong character development
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Effective introduction of conflict
    Weaknesses
    • Limited emotional depth
    • Some elements may be too chaotic for some audiences

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up conflict and tension effectively.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of deceased characters navigating the afterlife and dealing with the intrusion of the living is intriguing and well-executed.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances with the introduction of the Deetz family and their plans for the Maitlands' house.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the afterlife concept, blending humor and supernatural elements in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflict.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters, particularly the Maitlands, are faced with new challenges and conflicts that may lead to growth and change.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal is to find a sense of purpose and connection in the afterlife, as she struggles with isolation and a desire for human interaction.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to understand their new surroundings and navigate the challenges presented by the arrival of the Deetz family.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between the Maitlands and the Deetz family is established, creating tension and humor.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the arrival of the Deetz family presenting a significant challenge to the protagonist's goals.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the Deetz family threatens to disrupt the Maitlands' peaceful afterlife.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene introduces new characters and conflicts that propel the story forward.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of the Deetz family and the supernatural elements at play.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of acceptance and adaptation to change, as the dead characters must come to terms with the intrusion of the living into their world.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene is more focused on humor and setting up conflict than emotional depth.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, supernatural elements, and character dynamics. The arrival of the Deetz family adds tension and conflict.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a mix of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. It sets up the conflict with the Deetz family effectively.


    Critique
    • The scene is well-written and engaging, showcasing the character's distinct personalities and motivations. However, it could benefit from some minor adjustments to improve the pacing and flow of the dialogue.
    • The opening line of the scene is a bit too expository, as it directly states the characters' intentions. Consider starting the scene with a more active or engaging moment to grab the reader's attention.
    • The dialogue between Adam and Barbara about the handbook could be streamlined and made more concise. Consider combining some of their lines or rephrasing the information to make it more impactful.
    • The scene would benefit from some additional details about the setting and the characters' surroundings. Try adding sensory details or specific descriptions to help the reader visualize the scene more vividly.
    • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue or action to give the reader a stronger sense of closure.
    Suggestions
    • Consider starting the scene with a more active or engaging moment, such as Adam and Barbara discovering the handbook in the attic or Jane Butterfield arriving at the house.
    • Streamline the dialogue between Adam and Barbara about the handbook by combining some of their lines or rephrasing the information to make it more concise.
    • Add sensory details or specific descriptions to help the reader visualize the setting and the characters' surroundings. For example, describe the dust motes dancing in the air or the sound of Jane Butterfield's heels clicking on the wooden floor.
    • Expand the ending of the scene by adding a few more lines of dialogue or action. This could involve Adam and Barbara discussing their next move or Jane Butterfield leaving the house and driving away.



    Scene 9 -  Ghostly Encounter in the Maitland Home
    INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

    At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic,
    Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls.

    BARBARA
    Adam, we are in hell. I hate
    these people.

    ADAM
    They make Jane look good.

    BARBARA
    Is this a punishment for something
    we did in life? What can we do?

    ADAM
    (determined)
    We're not completely helpless.
    I've been reading the book.
    There's a word for people in our
    predicament, honey.

    Barbara looks at him.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    Ghosts!

    Barbara is shocked at the reality.

    Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the
    hallway.

    OTHO
    We're dealing with negative
    entertainment potential here. I
    mean, there's absolutely no organic
    walking flow-through.
    TB
    Otho looks down the hallway.
    Barbara are no longer there.
    It's empty. Adam and


    DELIA
    What's wrong?

    OTHO
    I thought I saw something.

    DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous
    orange -- the word MAUVE.

    DELIA
    Okay?

    OTHO
    (screaming with delight)
    You read my mind! I love clients
    who can read my mind. I don't
    think people realize how strong a
    connection there is between
    interior design and the
    supernatural.

    DELIA
    (fawning)
    I know... I read your book, The
    Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf.

    OTHO
    Gooood!

    Delia opens the door and they step inside another room.

    DELIA
    This will be Lydia's room.


    INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY

    It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still
    has the Maitlands' furniture in it. Barbara had partly
    wallpapered it before the accident. Her tools are still
    there.

    DELIA
    What do you think?

    OTHO
    Viridian?

    DELIA
    Viridian? What is...?

    Otho spray-paints the word VIRIDIAN on the wall -- plus
    the word BLUE GREEN -- and Cr2 03, right over a picture
    of Adam and Barbara as kids.
    TB OTHO
    Blue-green! Hydrated chromic
    oxide! Remember I'm schooled in
    chemistry. I was a hair analyst!
    Briefly. Interior design is a
    science, Delia! Think of me as
    Doctor Otho.
    (looking at wall)
    And this patient is truly sick!

    DELIA
    Of course, her favorite color!
    How beautiful!

    Delia smiles. Behind Delia and Otho, the room's closet
    door swings slowly open with and ominous CREAK.


    DELIA AND OTHO

    turn that way, with a suggestion of dread. Inside the
    closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from the ceiling
    by a belt. The corpse twists with a CREAK, and Barbara
    grins ghostly -- and slowly tears off her face, leaving
    nothing but muscle and bone beneath. Her eyeballs
    dangle on her cheeks.

    Delia and Otho stare aghast.

    DELIA
    Oh my God!

    OTHO
    We just have to pray that the
    other closets are bigger than this
    one.

    He walks over. Looks inside.

    OTHO
    (continuing)
    Were these people dwarfes? (sic)
    (spies something)
    Oooooo!... Look!

    He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands'
    wedding outfits. Totally captivated by this powerful
    image, he peers through the plastic at them. Holding
    each up to Delia. Barbara watches wide-eyed at them.

    OTHO
    (continuing)
    Ozzie...
    (holding up
    her dress)
    ... and... Harriet! What happened
    to these people?
    TB
    Delia slams the door in Barbara's contorted face.

    DELIA
    They died.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Barbara and Adam, the ghostly residents of the Maitland home, discuss their new reality in the upstairs hallway. Meanwhile, interior designers Otho and Delia enter to discuss their redecorating plans, oblivious to the supernatural presence. The ghosts disappear and reappear in Lydia's future room, where Delia's favorite color, viridian, is discussed. Otho discovers the Maitlands' wedding outfits in the closet, and Delia accidentally slams the door on Barbara's face. The scene takes a dark turn when the ghosts' corpses are revealed in the closet, with Barbara's face torn off. The scene ends with Otho's exclamation about the size of the other closets.
    Strengths
    • Effective blending of genres
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intriguing concept
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may be too dark for some audiences

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines humor, horror, and fantasy elements to create an engaging and intriguing atmosphere.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of ghosts navigating the afterlife and interacting with the living is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the Maitlands discover they are ghosts and interact with the new occupants of their house, setting up future conflicts.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and original situations, such as the ghostly transformation of Barbara and the interaction between the living and the dead. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, especially the Maitlands and Otho, show distinct personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    The Maitlands undergo a significant change as they realize they are ghosts, setting up their character arcs for the rest of the story.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with their new existence as ghosts and figure out how to navigate their current predicament.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being discovered as ghosts by the living characters in the scene.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a moderate level of conflict as the Maitlands navigate their new existence as ghosts and interact with the living.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the living characters posing a threat to the protagonist's goal of remaining hidden as ghosts.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the Maitlands face the possibility of being stuck in their current state forever and the conflicts with the new occupants of their house intensify.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the afterlife and setting up conflicts with the new occupants of the house.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as Barbara's ghostly transformation and the discovery of the Maitlands' wedding outfits.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of life after death and the supernatural world. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the afterlife and their place in it.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes fear, shock, and confusion, engaging the audience emotionally.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the humor, horror, and confusion present in the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, suspense, and supernatural elements. The interactions between the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward at a steady pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue that flows naturally.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character interactions and a progression of events that build tension and intrigue.


    Critique
    • The scene's dialogue is somewhat expository, with Barbara and Adam simply stating their feelings and observations about their situation and the Deetzes. Consider adding more subtext or conflict to the dialogue to make it more engaging.
    • The transition between the Maitlands' conversation and the Deetzes' entrance is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a beat or two to allow the audience to process the Maitlands' emotions before introducing the new characters.
    • The scene's ending, with the Deetzes discovering the Maitlands' corpses in the closet, is a bit too predictable. Consider finding a more surprising or unexpected way to reveal the Maitlands' presence to the Deetzes.
    • The scene's pacing is a bit slow, with a lot of dialogue and exposition. Consider trimming some of the dialogue and adding more visual elements or action to keep the audience engaged.
    • The scene's tone is a bit too somber and缺乏 humor. Consider adding some lighter moments or elements of comedy to balance out the heavier themes.
    • The scene's setting is not very well-described. Consider adding more details about the hallway and Lydia's room to help the audience visualize the space.
    • The scene's use of sound effects is not very effective. Consider добавление более конкретных and evocative sound effects to create a more immersive and atmospheric experience.
    Suggestions
    • Add more subtext or conflict to the dialogue between Barbara and Adam. For example, you could have them disagree about how to handle the Deetzes or express different emotions about their situation.
    • Add a beat or two between the Maitlands' conversation and the Deetzes' entrance. This will give the audience time to process the Maitlands' emotions and build anticipation for the Deetzes' arrival.
    • Find a more surprising or unexpected way to reveal the Maitlands' presence to the Deetzes. For example, you could have the Deetzes discover the Maitlands' ghosts floating in the hallway or hear the Maitlands' voices coming from the walls.
    • Trim some of the dialogue and add more visual elements or action to keep the audience engaged. For example, you could have the Maitlands and Deetzes physically interact with each other or have the scene take place in a more visually interesting setting.
    • Add some lighter moments or elements of comedy to balance out the heavier themes. For example, you could have the Maitlands make fun of the Deetzes' decorating style or have Otho do something silly.
    • Add more details about the hallway and Lydia's room to help the audience visualize the space. For example, you could describe the color of the walls, the type of furniture, and the layout of the room.
    • Add more specific and evocative sound effects to create a more immersive and atmospheric experience. For example, you could have the sound of creaking floorboards, dripping water, or howling wind.



    Scene 10 -  Ghostly Encounter and Interdimensional Chase
    INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME

    Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom and go
    through the bathroom. Disgusted, they continue on to
    the study.


    OTHO

    reaches out and turns the knob. The door swings omi-
    nously open on Charles' study. This had been Adam's
    reading and birdwatching study. Bird posters on the
    wall, books everywhere. Straight out of Better Homes
    and Gardens 1963.

    OTHO
    Ooo. Deliver me from L.L. Bean!


    ANGLE

    There is one slight difference, however, because on the
    rag rug in the middle of the floor lies Adam's headless
    corpse. Standing over him, holding in one hand a long
    knife and in the other Adam's blood-and-gore dripping
    head is Barbara -- with a maniacal look on her face.
    Behind them, Charles is thumbing through Adam's Audubon
    collection. He sits up like a cornered animal protect-
    ing his territory.

    CHARLES
    (to Otho and Delia)
    This room is off limits. I don't
    want either of you to touch one
    piece of furniture in here. This
    is my room.


    INSIDE THE ROOM

    The eyes of Adam's severed head open and look up at
    Barbara -- she stops screaming.

    ADAM'S HEAD
    They don't see us. They can't
    hear us.

    Outside, Delia is shaking her head.

    DELIA
    The woman who lived here had the
    TB aesthetic instincts of Betty
    Crocker.

    BARBARA
    I'm going to get her.

    DELIA
    I cannot convey to you the extent
    to which this house bores me.

    OTHO
    (looking around
    scientifically)
    Once you cover up the wallpaper,
    knock down a few walls, alter the
    traffic patterns, and -- perhaps
    -- think about an inground pool --
    the place might just be livable.
    What's on the third floor?

    DELIA
    Attic space.

    OTHO
    Let's see. We could turn that
    into a media room.

    They head up the stars to the attic.


    INT. STUDY - SAME TIME

    Adam's head has a look of terror on it.

    ADAM'S HEAD
    Oh, God. I forgot to lock the
    attic door!

    Adam's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes
    out of the room.


    INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - SAME TIME

    Otho and Delia climbing. The headless corpse careens
    past them, around the bend in the stairs and out of
    sight.

    OTHO
    Did you feel something?

    Delia shakes her head.

    OTHO
    (continuing)
    I felt a cool wind.

    The expression on Otho's face suggests he knows more
    TB
    than he's telling.


    INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR - SAME TIME

    The headless corpse rushes through the open door into
    the attic.


    INT. ATTIC - SAME TIME

    The headless corpse slams the door shut, turns the key
    in the lock. Then he slumps against the locked door in
    an exaggerated stance of relief.


    INT. ATTIC LANDING - SAME TIME

    Delia tries the knob. The door is locked.

    OTHO
    You don't have a key?

    DELIA
    Maybe Charles does.

    OTHO
    I have a feeling there's some very
    interesting space behind this
    door.

    DELIA
    (sarcastic)
    Probably the world's largest
    Reader's Digest collection!
    C'mon, let's have some chablis,
    Otho, I'm laid bare by this
    experience. Entirely bare.


    INT. STUDY - SAME TIME

    Barbara still holding Adam's head.

    Charles still calmly leafing through the Audubons.

    ADAM'S HEAD
    Whew! That was close.

    BARBARA
    I cannot witness this.

    Barbara distractedly puts Adam's head on a bookshelf.
    His headless body fumbles with the books and finally
    reattaches the head.


    INT. STUDY - DAY
    TB
    Adam turns away from the window.

    Barbara, fuming, moves around Charles making wild
    gestures.

    BARBARA
    What's the good of being a ghost
    if you can't frighten people to
    death?

    ADAM
    Oh, honey...

    BARBARA
    No, I'm not putting up with this.

    She storms out of the room.


    INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

    Barbara storms in, as if straight from the room up-
    stairs. She heads straight for the back door. Just as
    she opens the door, Adam rushes up.

    ADAM
    Barbara, honey! Don't go out
    there. You don't know --

    BARBARA
    Nothing can be worse than this...

    She flings open the door and steps outside. She
    promptly disappears.

    ADAM
    Barbara!


    EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN - DAY

    Barbara plunges into the dusty surface of Titan with an
    enormous Saturn looming in the sky. She looks around
    with wonder and some fear.


    A SULFUR VOLCANO

    erupts in the distance. A meteor CRASHES with a lurid
    EXPLOSION. As from a great distance she hears Adam's
    VOICE. Like THUNDER.

    ADAM
    Barbara!

    She turns slowly in the yellow dense sand that covers
    the surface of this distant moon.
    TB
    BARBARA'S POV

    Adam is trudging towards her. Behind him, hovering
    isolated in the air, is the kitchen door.


    BACK TO SCENE

    Adam at last catches up with her. Surveys around them.

    BARBARA
    Oh Adam. Find somebody. I'm
    getting all yellow. Do something!


    BEHIND THEM

    Something is burrowing rapidly toward them through the
    sand. The Something could be right out of "Dune".


    BARBARA AND ADAM

    stare for a moment, then Adam grabs her and pulls her
    toward the kitchen door. But the kitchen door has
    moved, so they veer in the new direction.

    The Something follows them and rises out of the sand.


    ON SOMETHING

    It is a very big, very nasty, and very hungry SNAPPING
    SANDWORM. It ROARS and lunges at them.


    BARBARA

    slightly angered at it, instinctively bats at it.


    THE SANDWORM

    is momentarily stunned at Barbara's audacity. It
    freezes and shakes its loathesome head.


    BARBARA

    bats at it again. Adam is wide-eyed, tries to pull her
    away. The Sandworm recovers and ROARS after them.


    ADAM

    grabs Barbara and tries to escape, but they slip and
    TB
    sink in the sand.

    They make it to the door just in time, swing it open
    and hurl themselves through. The door shuts with a
    BANG just in front of the ROARING SANDWORM.

    THE SANDWORM

    rears and ROARS in frustration, HOWLING to the ringed
    planet.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Horror","Comedy"]

    Summary Delia and Otho explore Lydia's house and discover Adam's headless corpse in Charles' study, which upsets Barbara. After the headless corpse reattaches its head, Adam and Barbara argue about scaring people as ghosts. Barbara storms out of the room and disappears, reappearing on Saturn's moon Titan and getting chased by a giant sandworm. The scene is filled with eerie tension, shocking moments, and some humor.
    Strengths
    • Unique concept
    • Blend of genres
    • Engaging plot progression
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful
    • Character development could be further explored

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines elements of horror and comedy, creating a unique and engaging atmosphere. The introduction of the sandworm adds a thrilling element to the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of deceased characters navigating the afterlife and encountering supernatural beings like sandworms is intriguing and well-executed.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the characters explore the afterlife and face challenges like the sandworm, adding depth to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene is highly original, with its mix of supernatural elements, unexpected plot twists, and dark humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the overall authenticity of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, particularly Barbara and Adam, show resilience and adaptability in the face of supernatural events.

    Character Changes: 6

    Barbara and Adam show growth and adaptation as they navigate the challenges of the afterlife.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal is to come to terms with her new ghostly existence and find a way to navigate the challenges she faces in the afterlife.

    External Goal: 7

    Barbara's external goal is to escape the Sandworm on Titan and find safety.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between the living and the dead, as well as the encounter with the sandworm, creates tension and suspense.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make quick decisions to survive.

    High Stakes: 9

    The high stakes of facing supernatural beings like the sandworm and navigating the afterlife add intensity to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges and expanding the world of the afterlife.

    Unpredictability: 9

    This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift to Saturn's moon Titan and the appearance of the Sandworm, which adds a surprising twist to the plot.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' acceptance of their new reality as ghosts and their willingness to confront danger in order to protect each other.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear to amusement, keeping the audience engaged.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the surreal events unfolding.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, horror, and fantastical elements that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the characters navigate the dangers they encounter.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The scene is visually descriptive, but the dialogue is a bit repetitive and unnatural. The characters' motivations are unclear, and there is a sense of meandering and lack of focus.
    • The scene could be more dynamic and engaging if the conflict between the Maitlands and the interior designers is developed more deeply. Currently, the tension between them is limited to a few lines of dialogue and does not drive the action of the scene.
    • The use of the headless corpse is a bit too obvious and could be more nuanced. For example, the headless body could be used to symbolize the Maitlands' sense of loss or their powerlessness in their new afterlife.
    • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow, and the scene could benefit from being shortened and more focused.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters do not sound like real people, and their conversations are filled with exposition and repeated lines.
    Suggestions
    • Add more subtext and conflict to the dialogue between the Maitlands and the interior designers. For example, you could have the Maitlands express their sadness and anger over the changes being made to their home, and you could have the interior designers be more dismissive and disrespectful of the Maitlands' feelings.
    • Give the headless corpse a more specific purpose. For example, you could have the headless body be used to foreshadow the Maitlands' own mortality, or you could have the headless body be used as a symbol of the violence and destruction that the Maitlands are capable of.
    • Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action. For example, you could cut out the part where Delia and Otho discuss the possibility of an inground pool, and you could cut out the part where the headless body fumbles with the books.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. For example, you could have the characters use more contractions and informal language, and you could have them speak in a more conversational tone.



    Scene 11 -  Fear, Frustration, and Family Tension in the Maitland House
    INT. KITCHEN

    Barbara, weeping, throws herself in Adam's arms.

    BARBARA
    Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me
    alone.

    ADAM
    You left me.

    BARBARA
    I know. I'm sorry.

    She hugs him tight.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    I just realized that I could have
    been killed alone. Don't ever
    leave me, honey.

    Both contemplate that horror.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    We're trapped in this house
    forever... with those... people.

    ADAM
    You can't say that for sure. It
    could be a transitional thing.
    Like a post-life crisis. We just
    have to be tougher with them.
    Come on. Have some brandy.
    Spirits?

    BARBARA
    (a tentative smile)
    Death didn't improve your sense of
    humor.

    They head for the dining room.


    INT. DINING ROOM
    TB
    Adam has his arms around Barbara's shoulder. They walk
    in the door and stumble upon the Deetzes at their
    dinner. Lydia's back is to them. Barbara and Adam
    back out of the room but stop to listen.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    The Deetz's around the dining room table. There are
    candles and good china laid out-- but they're eating
    out of Chinese take-out boxes.

    DELIA
    I can't believe that we're eating
    Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan
    up here? Hunan?

    CHARLES
    There's only one Chinese
    restaurant out here, darling, the
    owners are Irish and Irish people
    happen to cook Cantonese. They
    don't know better.

    LYDIA
    I plan to have a stroke from the
    amount of MSG that's in this food.

    DELIA
    This is our first meal in this
    house, Lydia. Why don't we all do
    our little private parts to make
    it a pleasant one?

    CHARLES
    Lydia, relax. We'll build you a
    darkroom in the basement.

    LYDIA
    (dramatically)
    My whole life is a darkroom!
    One... big... dark... room.

    Delia rolls her eyes and nods. She's been through this
    before.

    DELIA
    Nonsense... you'll go to school,
    maybe meet a farm boy.

    Delia laughs. Charles smiles.

    LYDIA
    (doleful)
    Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll
    let me hang myself from a rope in
    his barn.
    TB CHARLES
    Lydia, in a couple of years this
    whole town will be filled with
    people like us.

    DELIA
    We'll be the art center of summer
    New York. I'll start sculpting
    again... I'll teach those gallery
    bastards to refuse my sculpture.
    And when Otho and I get through
    with this house, you people are
    not going to recognize it.

    LYDIA
    (dramatically)
    I say let's keep it the way it is.

    Delia stares at Lydia.

    CHARLES
    (smiles)
    Good idea!

    Delia shifts her glare to Charles.

    LYDIA
    I do. I really like it. I
    mean, it's already sort of like
    somebody's home, isn't it? Their
    couch is comfortable and doesn't
    stick to your legs. It smells
    like a real home, not a French
    whorehouse.

    DELIA
    Lydia, at your age, you are so
    young.
    (back to business)
    Charles, we need to call that
    awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow
    and get the key to the attic door.
    Can't you find a way to hold back
    some of her commission?

    CHARLES
    We're going to have a lot to do
    tomorrow...
    The Goodwill truck is coming.

    DELIA
    ... and whatever is up there in
    that attic goes away with it.

    CHARLES
    Should have it fumigated, too. I
    saw a fly today.
    TB
    Lydia looks at them with a mixture of sadness and
    anger.


    OUTSIDE THE DOOR - ON THE STAIRS

    -- listening, sit Barbara and Adam. A tear rolls down
    her face.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Drama"]

    Summary In the kitchen, Barbara Maitland expresses her fear of being alone to her son Adam, who brings up her abandoning him. They apologize and empathize with each other's situation. In the dining room, the Deetzes have a tense dinner where Lydia expresses her frustration and teenage angst, and Delia dismisses it, talking about their plans for the house. The scene ends with Lydia looking at her parents with sadness and anger, and Barbara and Adam listening outside the door with tears in their eyes.
    Strengths
    • Sharp dialogue
    • Effective blend of humor and drama
    • Engaging character dynamics
    Weaknesses
    • Some tonal shifts may be jarring for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, drama, and fantasy elements to create an engaging and emotionally resonant moment.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the afterlife, the clash between the living and the dead, and the exploration of family dynamics are well-executed.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the Deetzes make plans for the house, and the conflict between the characters intensifies.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces unique characters with fresh dialogue and situations, blending humor and darkness in a way that feels authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene forward.

    Character Changes: 7

    Barbara shows vulnerability and fear, while Adam displays resilience and humor, leading to some character development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal is to seek comfort and security in Adam's presence after realizing the danger they are in. This reflects her need for emotional support and safety.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the strange and potentially dangerous situation they find themselves in with the Deetzes. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to their new environment.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict between the Deetzes and the Maitlands, as well as internal conflict within the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between the characters that create tension and uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the Deetzes plan to renovate the house, potentially displacing the Maitlands from their afterlife home.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character interactions and dialogue, keeping the audience on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the Deetzes' materialistic and superficial values and Barbara and Adam's more grounded and emotional values. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about what truly matters in life.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness to humor, keeping the audience engaged.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is witty, sharp, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the scene moving at a steady pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and character actions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-heavy scene, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene is very exposition-heavy. It feels like the characters are just talking about their situation instead of actually interacting with each other.
    • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or conflict. It's just the characters talking about their feelings and their plans for the future.
    • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
    • The pacing of the scene is off. The beginning of the scene is very slow and meandering, but the end of the scene is rushed.
    • The scene doesn't really add anything to the story. It could be cut without losing any of the important plot points.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and less exposition-heavy.
    • Give the scene a clear goal or conflict.
    • Cut the scene down by about a third.
    • Rep pace the scene so that it flows more smoothly.
    • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't add anything to the story.



    Scene 12 -  Discovering Betelgeuse
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Adam and Barbara are lying down on the floor, peering
    out of one of the small windows overlooking the front
    yard of the house. The handbook open in front of them.


    EXT. FRONT YARD - ADAM AND BARBARA'S POV - DAY

    The entire front yard is alive with workmen and their
    vehicles. Plumbers, electricians, cable TV men, etc.
    In the road on front of the house are several cars of
    rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity.
    The City has come to Town. Moving men continue to move
    in the Deetz' modern, expensive and ugly furniture.
    They collide with Goodwill men coming out with the
    Maitlands' lovely antiques and personal possessions.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Adam and Barbara just look at one another as if to say
    "We're next!" Adam leafs through the handbook furi-
    ously.

    BARBARA
    Look in the index...

    ADAM
    Not really... what's this?

    Adam pulls from the book an ancient, yellowed,
    crumbling handbill. He carefully opens it.

    ON handbill -- very primitive, crude, red printing.

    ADAM (V.O.)
    (reading)
    Having difficulty adjusting?
    Is death a problem and not a
    solution? Unhappy with eternity?
    Troubled by the living? Call
    Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist.
    That's Betelgeuse, Betel...

    The remainder of the sheet is torn off.
    TB
    ON Barbara -- fingering the torn edge.
    book for the remainder. No luck.

    BARBARA
    Looking in the



    That's it? No number, or
    instructions?

    ADAM
    Nothing. The bio-exorcist? I
    don't get it...


    INT. KITCHEN

    Charles, away from the chaos outside is calmly steeping
    a mug of herb tea. His solitude is interrupted by a
    2500 lb. Vulcan range breaking through a too-small
    kitchen window.

    CHARLES
    (shouting through
    the window)
    What the hell are you trying to do
    out there?


    DELIA - OUTSIDE

    is berating the inept crane operator and shrieks
    periodically at some fine art movers who are struggling
    under her horrid modern welded steel sculptures.


    LYDIA

    snaps photos of the mayhem. She stops to scan the whole
    house.


    LYDIA'S POV

    When her gaze reaches to top of the house, she suddenly
    glimpses Barbara and Adam's faces in the window.


    BACK TO SCENE

    Lydia blinks hard. Her mouth drops open. She looks
    all around -- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two.


    JANE BUTTERFIELD'S CAR

    pulls up. Little Jane sits in the front seat, burdened
    with an enormous stack of collated and stapled copies.

    Lydia catches sight of Jane and runs over.
    TB
    Little Jane locks her door, in fear of Lydia-the
    strange. Lydia stares at her.

    LITTLE JANE
    Are you a boy or a girl?

    LYDIA
    I only speak to vertebrates.

    LYDIA
    What happened to the people who
    used to live here?

    LITTLE JANE
    (ratty little voice)
    They drowned!

    JANE
    Yes, they were family. I was
    devastated.
    (beat)
    Here, darling.

    Jane hands a key to Lydia.

    LYDIA
    (impressed)
    Is this the key to the attic?

    JANE
    That's a skeleton key. It'll open
    any door in that house. Will you
    give it to your father?
    (handing her a
    business card)
    And you might mention that I
    single-handedly decorated the
    house. In case he needs advice in
    that area. Come see me.

    Jane goes away.


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    Lydia's face sobers as she looks up at the now empty
    attic window.

    DELIA (O.S.)
    Help! Get off me!

    Lydia drops the skeleton key into her pocket surrepti-
    tiously. She follows Delia's SHRIEKING.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara, now ghosts, come across a handbill for a bio-exorcist named Betelgeuse while observing the chaos of moving crews in their front yard from the attic. Charles is frustrated by a range being delivered through his kitchen window, while Delia berates workers outside. Lydia notices Adam and Barbara in the attic window and interacts with Jane, who gives Lydia a skeleton key to the house. The scene ends with Lydia following Delia's shrieking and dropping the key into her pocket.
    Strengths
    • Unique concept
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Balanced tone of humor and horror
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may be confusing for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, with a good balance of humor, horror, and fantasy elements. It sets up the conflict between the living and the dead in an intriguing way.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of deceased characters navigating the afterlife and dealing with the living is unique and well-executed. The introduction of the bio-exorcist adds an interesting twist.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the Maitlands observe the chaos caused by the Deetzes moving in and the introduction of the bio-exorcist concept. The conflict between the two families is established.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of a bio-exorcist, blending supernatural elements with everyday chaos. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, especially Adam and Barbara, show depth and emotion as they navigate their new reality. Delia and Lydia Deetz add a contrasting dynamic to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Barbara shows vulnerability and fear, while Adam displays determination and curiosity. Their dynamic as a couple evolves as they face new challenges.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the fact that they may need to seek help from a bio-exorcist to deal with their current situation. This reflects their fear of the unknown and their desire to regain control over their lives.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the chaos and upheaval caused by the moving men and the clash of furniture styles. They are also faced with the challenge of dealing with the presence of the bio-exorcist handbill and its implications.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict between the Maitlands and the Deetzes, as well as the internal conflict of the Maitlands coming to terms with their new existence.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, particularly with the introduction of the bio-exorcist concept and the clash of furniture styles.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are high as the Maitlands realize they are trapped in their house with the Deetzes and face the possibility of being exorcised.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements like the bio-exorcist, the conflict with the Deetzes, and the Maitlands' internal struggles.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable due to the introduction of the bio-exorcist concept and the unexpected turn of events with the skeleton key.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of seeking help from a bio-exorcist. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the afterlife, eternity, and the supernatural.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions from fear to humor, especially as the Maitlands realize the extent of their situation.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty and helps establish the personalities of the characters. It also sets up conflicts and foreshadows future events.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging due to its blend of chaos, humor, and supernatural elements. The interactions between characters and the unfolding events keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character moments that keep the story moving forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Critique
    • The scene introduces a new element to the story, the bio-exorcist Betelgeuse, but it does so in a rather abrupt and confusing way. The ancient, yellowed, crumbling handbill that Adam finds is a bit too convenient and seems out of place in the otherwise realistic setting of the film.
    • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction. It starts with Adam and Barbara looking out the window at the chaos in their front yard, but then it quickly shifts to Charles in the kitchen, then to Lydia outside, and then back to Jane Butterfield's car. This makes it difficult for the reader to follow the action and to understand what is happening.
    • The dialogue is mostly expositional, with characters explaining things to each other that the reader already knows. For example, Charles asks the workmen what they are doing, and Jane tells Lydia that she decorated the house.
    • The scene ends with Lydia dropping the skeleton key into her pocket surreptitiously. This is a bit of a confusing and unnecessary detail. The reader doesn't know why Lydia is doing this, and it doesn't seem to have any bearing on the rest of the story.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with a more focused and clear direction. For example, you could have Adam and Barbara discussing their plans to contact Betelgeuse, or you could have Lydia exploring the attic and discovering the handbill.
    • Give the scene a more cohesive structure by limiting the number of locations and characters. For example, you could focus the entire scene on Adam and Barbara's interaction with the handbill, or you could focus on Lydia's exploration of the attic.
    • Cut the expositional dialogue and replace it with more active and engaging dialogue. For example, instead of having Charles ask the workmen what they are doing, you could have him confront them about the noise and disruption.
    • Remove the unnecessary detail of Lydia dropping the skeleton key into her pocket. This detail is confusing and doesn't add anything to the story.



    Scene 13 -  Lydia's Attic Investigation and Betelgeuse's TV Appearance
    EXT. HOUSE - DAY

    Lydia rounds the corner to see Delia, pinned flat
    TB
    against the house by one of her horrid steel sculp-
    tures. Two movers are struggling to free her. Lydia
    snaps a quick photograph.

    They finally free Delia. She clutches at her head,
    just short of tearing her hair out.

    DELIA
    You jerks! That is my art, and it
    is dangerous! You think I want to
    want to die like that?
    (seeing Lydia)
    Lydia. Moving is a family affair.
    So buckle down now and go get
    Mommy some drugs.

    LYDIA
    Any particular kind?

    DELIA
    Joke! Joke! Aspirin!

    Lydia walks off toward the house.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Barbara is half-hiding on the edge of the window.

    BARBARA
    That little girl saw us.

    ADAM
    She couldn't have. We can't make
    them see us.

    BARBARA
    But she saw us. I could feel it.

    ADAM
    (pause, thinking
    that over)
    That's all we need.


    INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

    Lydia looks up the stairs at the attic landing. She's
    a little scared. She decides to go up the dark stairs.

    IN THE HALL

    At the end of the hall stands Charles, directing men
    who are carrying books into the room that will be his
    study.

    He continues on.
    TB
    A BLAST of STEAM

    fills the hallway, because workmen are already going at
    the wallpaper. Lydia emerges from it. Looking up at
    stairway to attic, mounting courage.


    INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - DAY

    Lydia creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her
    pocket. FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Adam works on his model. He hears the SQUEAK, looks up
    confidently.

    ADAM
    (whispering)
    Don't worry. I've locked it.

    Barbara smiles and knits while rocking in her chair.


    INT. ATTIC LANDING

    Lydia quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic
    door. She turns it. The key is stiff. She turns
    harder. It's stuck. Lydia tries the door -- it's no
    go. She turns the key again. This time it goes all
    the way around.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Barbara and Adam, surprised by the key, look at each
    other, carefully, very quietly, stand up and tiptoe
    toward door.


    ON THE SCREEN OF AN OLD TV SET

    in the corner of the attic -- Suddenly -- a ghostly
    image POPS ON.


    ON TV - A BIZARRE, SMALLISH FELLOW

    outfitted in a too-big cowboy hat, bad wig, and over-
    sized sunglasses appears on screen singing very
    quickly. (It's a heavily disguised BETELGEUSE.)


    BEHIND HIM

    the CAMERA QUICKLY PANS an assortment of tombstones a
    TB
    la Cal Worthington.

    BETELGEUSE
    (singing)
    Have the living got you down?
    Betelgeuse!
    Are they jacking you around?
    Betelgeuse!
    Have you broken out in hives
    'Cause you're tired of their jive?
    I will drive them from your
    hive... Betelgeuse!


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    CAMERA TILTS DOWN a flashing tombstone with
    "BETELGEUSE" written on it. Adam rushes over to shut
    it off. He can't find a plug. He looks around behind
    set... no workings inside at all. He peers around to
    the screen. It is blank. Suddenly -- Betelgeuse POPS
    ON AGAIN.

    BETELGEUSE
    Say it once... Betelgeuse
    Say it twice... Betelgeuse.
    The third time's a charm...
    Betelgeuse!
    Come on down!

    He POPS OFF. Adam and Barbara stare at each other.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Lydia finds her mother, Delia, in distress and pinned by a sculpture. After helping Delia, Lydia heads to the attic to retrieve aspirin, where she encounters a locked door. Inside the attic, Adam and Barbara, now ghosts, are taken aback by Lydia's attempts to enter. On an old TV, a disguised Betelgeuse appears, singing and urging someone to 'come on down'. The scene ends with Adam and Barbara in shock as they stare at each other, confused by Betelgeuse's unexpected appearance.
    Strengths
    • Innovative concept
    • Engaging blend of genres
    • Strong character development
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may be confusing for viewers unfamiliar with the supernatural genre

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends fantasy, comedy, and horror elements to create an engaging and intriguing atmosphere. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of mystery and sets up potential conflicts for the future.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of deceased characters navigating the afterlife and interacting with the living is innovative and well-executed. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a bio-exorcist adds depth to the supernatural world presented in the scene.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the Maitlands discover they may be dead and encounter the Deetz family, setting up potential conflicts and character dynamics. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of intrigue to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the supernatural genre by combining elements of mystery, humor, and family dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, particularly Adam and Barbara Maitland, are well-developed and show depth in their reactions to their new situation. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a mysterious figure adds complexity to the character dynamics.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters, particularly Barbara and Adam Maitland, undergo changes as they come to terms with their new reality and the presence of the Deetz family. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new dynamic to their character arcs.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the secrets of the attic and the supernatural occurrences happening in the house. This reflects her curiosity, bravery, and desire to understand the unknown.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to help her family with the moving process and support her mother. This reflects her sense of responsibility and care for her family.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The scene introduces conflicts between the Maitlands and the Deetz family, as well as the mysterious presence of Betelgeuse. Tensions rise as the characters navigate their new reality.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, adding to the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high as the Maitlands navigate their afterlife, encounter the Deetz family, and face the mysterious presence of Betelgeuse. The potential conflicts and threats add tension to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, characters, and mysteries. The presence of Betelgeuse sets up future plot developments and raises the stakes for the Maitlands.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural occurrences and mysterious events that keep the audience guessing and on edge.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the supernatural world and the human world. The protagonist is caught between these two worlds, trying to navigate the unknown while also dealing with everyday challenges.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, confusion, and curiosity, as the characters discover the truth about their situation. The emotional impact is heightened by the introduction of Betelgeuse and the potential threats he poses.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, especially in moments of tension and discovery. The interaction between the Maitlands and the Deetz family sets up potential conflicts and relationships.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, mystery, and humor. The tension and intrigue keep the audience hooked and wanting to know more.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and a build-up of tension and mystery.


    Critique
    • This scene is a good example of the importance of using the environment to create tension and suspense. The setting of the attic, with its dusty old furniture and flickering TV, creates a sense of unease and foreboding.
    • The dialogue is well-written, with the characters' interactions feeling natural and believable. The use of foreshadowing is also effective, with Adam's line about not being able to make the living see them hinting at the challenges they will face.
    • The scene's pacing is a bit slow, and some of the dialogue could be trimmed to make it more concise. The description of the TV set and Betelgeuse's appearance is also a bit too detailed and could be shortened.
    • Overall, this is a solid scene that sets up the conflict between Adam and Barbara and the living occupants of the house. However, it could be improved by tightening the pacing and refining some of the dialogue.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding some more visual details to the attic setting to make it more atmospheric. For example, you could describe the dust motes dancing in the air or the way the sunlight filters through the cracks in the walls.
    • Tighten up the dialogue by removing any unnecessary lines or words. For example, Adam's line about not being able to make the living see them could be shortened to "We can't make them see us."
    • Refine the description of the TV set and Betelgeuse's appearance to make it more concise. For example, you could simply say "A ghostly image of a smallish fellow outfitted in a too-big cowboy hat, bad wig, and oversized sunglasses appears on screen" instead of "A BIZARRE, SMALLISH FELLOW outfitted in a too-big cowboy hat, bad wig, and over-sized sunglasses appears on screen singing very quickly. (It's a heavily disguised BETELGEUSE.)"



    Scene 14 -  The Stuck Door and the Chalk Door
    INT. LANDING - DAY

    Lydia listens. Did she hear something? She puts her
    hand on the knob and tries to turn it. It's stuck.

    Then the key eerily pops out of the lock and falls on
    the floor.

    Charles' head suddenly appears behind her. Scares her.

    CHARLES
    What are you doing?


    INT. ATTIC

    Adam is holding on tight to the knob of the door. With
    her knitting needle, Barbara has poked the key out.

    The two stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of
    the living intruders.


    INT. ATTIC LANDING - LYDIA AND CHARLES
    TB LYDIA
    I was just trying to open the
    door. Mrs. Butterfield brought
    over a skeleton key.

    CHARLES
    Let me have it.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Barbara and Adam tighten.


    ON THE LANDING

    LYDIA
    But it doesn't work.

    She hands her father the key. He looks at it and
    throws it in the corner.

    CHARLES
    Skeleton keys never work. Anyway,
    this can wait. We'll get a
    crowbar later. Where's your
    mother?

    LYDIA
    (very quick de-
    cisive delivery)
    Stepmother.

    CHARLES
    I'm going down to relax. I want a
    noise-free zone. Do you
    understand? Noise-free.

    He goes down the stairs.

    LYDIA
    Dad?

    He continues.

    CHARLES
    (irritated, over
    his shoulder)
    What?

    LYDIA
    I'm lonely.

    A BLAST OF STEAM from below drowns out her words.
    Charles stops and turns around. The BLAST STOPS.

    CHARLES
    What?
    TB
    TIGHT ON LYDIA

    She is resolved.

    LYDIA
    Nothing.

    Charles continues. She begins to follow slowly.


    ON KEY

    behind Lydia. WIDEN as Adam rushes out the door, grabs
    the key and rushes back in again. Lydia hears some-
    thing but doesn't see.


    INT. ATTIC

    Barbara and Adam have moved away from the door.

    ADAM
    (looking through
    the handbook)
    We need some help. I found
    something this morning. Here.
    Emergencies.
    (reads)
    "In case of emergency, draw door."

    BARBARA
    Draw door? I don't know why we
    keep looking in that stupid book.

    Adam takes a piece of chalk and draws a little door on
    the exposed brick of the chimney.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    You don't actually think this
    is going to work?

    Adam draws a doorknob. Then he tries to turn it. The
    door, perhaps to his surprise, fails to open.

    BARBARA
    Yet another triumph for Adam and
    Barbara in the afterlife. Why
    don't we try this Beetle guy??...

    ADAM
    Wait.

    He looks at book, then writes on the door: KNOCK AND
    ENTER. He exchanges a glance with Barbara. She's even
    more skeptical than before. Turns away in disgust.
    TB
    Adam knocks on the door, and turns the knob. Nothing.
    She is more disgusted. Adam goes back to the book.

    ADAM
    (continuing)
    Aha! Knock three times.


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    He knocks three times. Turns knob. The chalked door
    swings magnificently open.

    Behind is an eerie light source, SOARING MUSIC, maybe
    even a heavenly choir singing pear-shaped syllables.

    Barbara and Adam look at one another again. They hold
    hands and step tentatively through.

    Their figures are lost in the blinding light.

    They start to shut door after them.


    ON THE ATTIC LANDING

    Lydia is staring at the light pouring from under the
    attic door. It suddenly goes out.

    ON LYDIA

    She is dumbfounded. She listens.


    ON THE LANDING

    Lydia speeds down the steps.


    INT. CHARLES' STUDY - DAY

    Charles, fiercely intent on relaxing, paces like a
    catfish out of water. Ralph Lauren in K-mart. He
    stretches. He sits uneasily in an easy chair, tries
    like hell to get comfortable. Finally, he puts a book
    under his bottom to get sitting straight. Looks around
    tapping his fingers. What to do? Looks at watch.

    He takes down a book from Adam's library, it is an
    Audubon book of birds. He whips through it like it's
    the comics and then looks around for more.

    He finds the "Illustrated Walden" by Thoreau. He
    speed reads it.

    He is now really bored. Goes to the fireplace, tries
    to light it. Cannot do it. Goes to desk and writes:
    TB OTHO-INSTALL GAS FIRE LOGS IN
    STUDY.

    He studies bird posters. Finds beautiful cardinal
    picture.

    Takes field glasses and looks out window.


    HIS POV

    Spies big ugly-looking ratty bird devouring something.


    ON CHARLES

    horrified. Wrinkles his nose.

    Lydia enters. He jumps.

    CHARLES
    Jesus Christ!

    Lydia is shocked.

    CHARLES
    (continuing)
    Darling, can't you see I'm
    relaxing in here!

    LYDIA
    Well I just wanted to tell you
    what I saw.

    CHARLES
    Lydia. What the hell is the point
    of my moving up here if you people
    won't let me relax? Go help your
    mother.

    Charles returns to field glasses, spies something. She
    looks at him in frustration.

    LYDIA
    (on her way out)
    Fine. Maybe you can relax in a
    haunted house. But I can't.

    She exits. Charles peers after her, brow furrowed.
    Looks out again at the village. Uses his field glasses
    to get a better look.


    HIS POV

    It is the Bozman Building. Ernie is out front pol-
    ishing the brass lion.
    TB
    ON CHARLES

    He thinks. Moves the field glasses to punctuate his
    discovery of the building. (His eyes never leave field
    glasses throughout the following.)

    CHARLES
    Nice building... Bad paint. Good
    lines... bad roof. Good
    parking... hmmm???

    That really registers with him. Without looking, he
    dials a familiar number on the phone with one hand,
    lifts the receiver. He clacks his teeth together pur-
    posefully.

    SECRETARY'S VOICE
    Botco International.

    CHARLES
    Yes, I'd like to speak with Maxie
    Dean.

    SECRETARY'S VOICE
    He's not in right now.

    CHARLES
    Well tell him that Charles Deetz
    called.

    He hangs up and continues to spy on Bozman Building.
    Clacks his teeth.

    CHARLES
    (continuing)
    My God what I could do with that
    parking.

    DISSOLVE TO:


    TIGHT SHOT - BARBARA AND ADAM

    Very still, they look cautiously to the right and left
    -- just with their eyes. They're astounded by what
    they see, though we don't yet see it.

    ADAM
    ... Not what I expected when we
    walked through that door.

    BARBARA
    No. But it's somewhere without big
    worms.

    CAMERA DRAWS BACK and we find that Adam and Barbara are
    TB
    in:
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the landing, Lydia attempts to open a door with a skeleton key, but it's stuck. Charles appears, scares her, and takes the key, dismissing her desire for connection. In the attic, Adam and Barbara find a handbook and successfully open a chalk door they draw on the chimney. Lydia comes down to tell Charles about a bird she saw, but he brushes her off and becomes fixated on the Bozman building. Excited, Adam and Barbara enter a mysterious world through the chalk door. The scene is tense and eerie, with a sense of mystery and excitement.
    Strengths
    • Intriguing concept of the afterlife
    • Blend of fantasy, comedy, and horror elements
    • Effective use of dialogue to convey emotions and plot points
    Weaknesses
    • Some scenes may be confusing for the audience
    • Character development could be more pronounced

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines humor, suspense, and supernatural elements to engage the audience and advance the plot.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of the afterlife, the handbook for the deceased, and the introduction of Betelgeuse add depth and intrigue to the story. The scene effectively explores the supernatural world within the attic.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as Adam and Barbara discover a way to seek help in the afterlife, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the mysterious door in the attic, the supernatural occurrences, and the characters' unconventional solutions to their problems. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Adam and Barbara show resilience and resourcefulness in navigating the afterlife. Charles and Lydia's interactions provide insight into their personalities and motivations.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are subtle changes in the characters' perceptions and actions, the scene primarily focuses on introducing new elements and setting up future developments.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to seek connection and understanding from her father, as she expresses her loneliness to him. This reflects her desire for emotional support and validation from her family.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the strange occurrences in the house and find a solution to the mysterious door in the attic. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict between the living and the dead, the introduction of Betelgeuse, and the characters' internal struggles create tension and drive the narrative forward.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene adds a layer of challenge and uncertainty for the characters, creating obstacles that they must overcome to achieve their goals.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the characters navigate the afterlife, encounter supernatural beings, and seek help from Betelgeuse. The consequences of their actions become more significant.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and characters. It sets up future events and builds suspense for the audience.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the supernatural elements introduced, keeping the audience on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family dynamics, communication, and the unknown. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about relationships and the supernatural.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes fear, curiosity, and empathy for the characters as they navigate the afterlife and face new challenges. The emotional impact adds depth to the story.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. It also introduces key plot points and sets up future conflicts.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, suspense, and humor, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of discovery and revelation, keeping the audience engaged and invested.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of discovery and revelation.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Lydia trying to open a door, which is interrupted by Charles. This part feels a bit slow and unnecessary, as it doesn't add much to the story.
    • The dialogue between Lydia and Charles is a bit too on the nose, and it doesn't feel very natural.
    • The sudden appearance of Betelgeuse on the TV is a bit jarring, and it doesn't really fit with the tone of the rest of the scene.
    • The scene ends with Adam and Barbara opening a door and stepping through it, but we don't see what's on the other side. This leaves the reader feeling a bit unsatisfied.
    • Overall, the scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks focus. It's not clear what the main conflict is, and the ending is too abrupt.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with Lydia already trying to open the door, and cut out the part with Charles.
    • Rewrite the dialogue between Lydia and Charles to make it more natural and less expository.
    • Remove the sudden appearance of Betelgeuse on the TV, or find a way to make it fit better with the tone of the rest of the scene.
    • Add a few more lines to the end of the scene to show what's on the other side of the door, and to give the reader a sense of closure.



    Scene 15 -  Unhelpful Receptionist and a Three Hour Wait in the Afterlife
    INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY

    The most unpleasant waiting room that you ever remember
    waiting in. Fifties furniture with broken legs,
    couches propped up on telephone books.

    Standing ashtrays with dirty stand. Linoleum floors
    patched a hundred times. National Geographics with the
    covers torn off. The "Take a number" registers in the
    millions.


    AS THE CAMERA COMPLETES A CIRCLE OF THE ROOM

    We see a RECEPTIONIST. She's the quintessential 50's
    receptionist -- tight sweater, bullet-breasted bra,
    bleached hair, red lipstick. She's wearing a ribbon
    across her breast reading "MISS ARGENTINA" and there
    are knife slashes across both wrists.

    RECEPTIONIST
    You don't have an appointment, do
    you?

    ADAM
    W... We didn't know how to make one.

    BARBARA
    An appointment for what?

    RECEPTIONIST
    What do you want?

    BARBARA
    We need some help.

    RECEPTIONIST
    Already? You just bit the big one
    nine months ago and you want help?

    ADAM
    Nine months? What difference does
    that make?

    RECEPTIONIST
    (shrugging)
    Good luck. You're going to use up
    all your help vouchers.

    ADAM
    Help vouchers?

    RECEPTIONIST
    D-90's. You spend a hundred
    and twenty-five years on earth,
    TB actually, in that house, during
    which you get only three class-one
    D-90 intercessions with Juno. You
    probably haven't even read through
    the manual completely yet.

    BARBARA
    Why three?


    TYPIST

    Behind the Receptionist holds up both hands each of
    which have only three fingers on them.

    TYPIST
    Rule Number Three. Everything
    comes in threes...

    RECEPTIONIST
    You'll have to wait if you don't
    have an appointment.

    BARBARA
    How long do we have to wait?

    ADAM
    Wait for who?

    RECEPTIONIST
    For Juno, your caseworker. Not
    that it matters to your type. But
    there are all these other people
    here ahead of you. I'd say 3
    hours.

    The waiting room is now filled with people. Dead
    people, some in fairly awful states. A cornucopia of
    carnal shreddage.

    Adam and Barbara look around for a moment, then very
    quietly, they reach out to grasp hands.

    RECEPTIONIST
    (continuing)
    Number 54 million, six hundred
    one. Ferndock.

    CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSE.

    DISSOLVE TO:
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In a run-down, unpleasant waiting room filled with dead people, Adam and Barbara meet a bitter and unhelpful 50's styled receptionist. They learn that they need an appointment with their caseworker, Juno, and will have to wait for three hours. The receptionist explains the rule of three and the concept of D-90 intercessions. With no resolution in sight, they quietly hold hands as they wait for their turn to see Juno.
    Strengths
    • Sharp dialogue
    • Dark humor
    • Innovative concept
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of direct conflict
    • Limited character development

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively sets the tone for the afterlife world, blending dark humor with a satirical look at bureaucracy in the afterlife. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, drawing the audience into the strange and twisted world of the waiting room.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of 'help vouchers' and the bureaucratic nature of the afterlife is a fresh and innovative take on the afterlife theme. It adds depth to the world-building and creates an intriguing backdrop for the characters' journey.

    Plot: 7

    While the plot doesn't advance significantly in this scene, it sets up important elements of the afterlife world and introduces key concepts that will likely play a role in future developments. The scene serves as a foundation for the story to come.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh and original take on the afterlife, blending supernatural elements with bureaucratic procedures and dark humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, particularly the Receptionist and Typist, are well-defined and add to the darkly humorous tone of the scene. Their interactions with Adam and Barbara provide insight into the rules of the afterlife and the challenges the characters will face.

    Character Changes: 5

    While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for Adam and Barbara's journey in the afterlife. The introduction of the 'help vouchers' concept hints at potential growth and development for the characters.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to seek help and understanding in their new afterlife situation. This reflects their deeper need for guidance and reassurance in a confusing and unfamiliar environment.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the afterlife bureaucracy and understand the rules and procedures they must follow. This reflects the immediate challenge they face in adjusting to their new reality.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    While there is no direct conflict in this scene, the tension comes from the bureaucratic obstacles the characters face in the afterlife. The conflict is more internal and existential, adding depth to the characters' journey.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the bureaucratic rules of the afterlife posing a significant challenge to the protagonists. The audience is left uncertain about how they will navigate this unfamiliar and daunting environment.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes in the scene are relatively low in terms of immediate danger, but the bureaucratic obstacles and limitations of the afterlife world add a sense of urgency and importance to the characters' journey. The scene hints at larger stakes to come.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene lays important groundwork for the story to come, introducing key concepts and setting up future conflicts and challenges for the characters. It moves the narrative forward by establishing the rules of the afterlife world.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of its blend of supernatural elements, dark humor, and unexpected twists in the afterlife bureaucracy. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the rules and limitations of the afterlife, contrasting the bureaucratic system with the protagonists' desire for help and understanding. This challenges their beliefs about the nature of existence and the afterlife.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from dark humor to a sense of unease about the afterlife bureaucracy. The emotional impact is subtle but effective in setting the tone for the rest of the story.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and engaging. It effectively conveys the dark humor and satirical tone of the afterlife world, while also providing important information about the rules and regulations that govern the characters' existence.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, dark humor, and intriguing premise. The dialogue and interactions between characters draw the audience in and create a sense of mystery and suspense.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and builds tension.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, introducing the setting, characters, and conflict in a clear and engaging manner. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Critique
    • The scene is very well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details about the waiting room and the people in it.
    • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise.
    • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding more details about the people and the environment.
    • The scene could be more dynamic by adding more movement and action.
    Suggestions
    • Add more details about the waiting room, such as the furniture, the walls, and the lighting.
    • Add more details about the people in the waiting room, such as their appearance, their clothes, and their behavior.
    • Cut down on the dialogue and make it more concise.
    • Add more movement and action to the scene, such as having the characters walk around or interact with each other.



    Scene 16 -  Discovering the Chalk Door and Pondering Death's Mysteries
    INT. ATTIC LANDING - DAY

    Lydia kneels down with a screwdriver, a nail file, an
    ice pick, and a credit card. She inserts nail file
    into the door. She struggles, and after several
    TB
    attempts -- finally uses the ice pick and POP!
    door swings open ominously.
    The



    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Lydia enters. The room is dim, and filled with dust
    motes. There are shadows in all the corners.

    She bumps into a switch which engages the model sun and
    moon and that eerily illuminates the model town. She's
    frightened, then entranced.

    She peers at it from different angles, her fear for-
    gotten. She notes small tools scattered around an
    unfinished area. She continues around the model,
    oblivious to everything else. Then...

    She kicks something. Ducks under the table and comes
    up with something, holds it up to the light. It's the
    handbook. She looks through it. Finds the marked
    page... looks at the chalk door.


    INT. OFFICE - DAY

    Barbara and Adam are still holding hands, as if they
    hadn't moved. Like waiting for an IRS audit.

    BARBARA
    (to Adam)
    Is this what happens when you die?

    The Receptionist overhears. She points at Barbara.

    RECEPTIONIST
    This is what happens when YOU die.
    (points to another
    corpse)
    That is what happens when HE dies.
    That is what happens when THEY
    die. It's highly personal. And
    I'll tell you something... if I
    knew then what I know now... I
    wouldn't have had my little
    "accident!"

    She holds up her wrists and smiling at her little joke,
    wriggles them indicating her slashes.

    OTHER CORPSES
    (all together)
    Amen!

    Barbara and Adam look at them. Corpses resume doing
    what they were doing. A GRINDING NOISE O.S. -- The
    Receptionist looks up.
    TB
    Barbara and Adam also look O.S.


    THEIR POV

    A Message delivery wire GRINDS along loudly on a
    pulley. The actual message is held in the hand of the
    MESSENGER, a flattened corpse, suspended as if on a
    shirt clothesline, tire marks on his face and clothing.
    A major roadkill. Dust and gravel ground into him. He
    smiles wanly at Barbara and Adam as the Receptionist
    takes a message on a piece of paper and reads it.

    RECEPTIONIST
    Maitland, party of two! Take your
    handbook and go to the sixth door.

    Barbara and Adam upset at the loss of their handbook...

    BARBARA
    We forgot our handbook.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the attic, Lydia finds a handbook with instructions to a chalk door. Meanwhile, Barbara and Adam discuss death's enigmatic nature with the Receptionist, who shares her own experience. A messenger corpse delivers a message for Maitland, party of two, to proceed to the sixth door. However, Barbara and Adam have forgotten their handbook, leaving their next steps uncertain.
    Strengths
    • Intriguing concept of the afterlife
    • Mysterious and whimsical tone
    • Introduction of key plot elements
    Weaknesses
    • Dialogue could be more engaging
    • Limited character development in this scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively introduces key elements of the story, such as the afterlife rules, the handbook for the deceased, and the presence of Betelgeuse. It sets up intrigue and curiosity for the audience while maintaining a whimsical and dark tone.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of the afterlife, the handbook for the deceased, and the introduction of Betelgeuse are innovative and engaging. These elements add depth to the story and create a unique world for the characters to navigate.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Lydia discovers the handbook and the chalk door in the attic, hinting at further mysteries and developments in the story. The scene sets up important plot points and foreshadows future events.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the model town in the attic, the concept of the afterlife office, and the darkly humorous interactions between the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters of Barbara and Adam show vulnerability and curiosity in the face of their new afterlife situation. Lydia's exploration of the attic adds depth to her character and sets up her involvement in the unfolding story.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters show vulnerability, curiosity, and a willingness to explore their new afterlife reality. There is potential for growth and development in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to overcome her fear and curiosity as she explores the attic and discovers the model town. This reflects her desire for adventure and discovery.

    External Goal: 7

    Barbara and Adam's external goal is to navigate the afterlife and find their handbook to determine their fate. This reflects their immediate challenge of understanding their new surroundings and what comes next.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a subtle conflict in the scene as the characters navigate the rules of the afterlife and discover new mysteries. The tension builds as they interact with the Receptionist and await their appointment with Juno.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in the afterlife and conflicting beliefs about their fate. The unpredictable nature of the afterlife adds to the tension and uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are high as the characters navigate the rules of the afterlife, encounter mysterious elements, and await their appointment with Juno. The scene sets up important conflicts and challenges for the characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements such as the handbook, the chalk door, and the presence of Betelgeuse. It sets up future conflicts, mysteries, and character developments.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable due to its surreal elements, unexpected twists, and dark humor that keep the audience on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of personal responsibility and acceptance of one's fate in the afterlife. The Receptionist's nonchalant attitude towards death and her own 'accident' challenges Barbara and Adam's beliefs about the afterlife and the consequences of their actions.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of fear, curiosity, and intrigue in the audience as the characters explore the afterlife and encounter mysterious elements. There is a subtle emotional depth in the characters' reactions to their situation.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in the scene serves to convey information about the afterlife rules and the characters' reactions to their situation. It is functional but could be more engaging and dynamic.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, intriguing characters, and darkly humorous dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


    Critique
    • Lydia's actions seem rushed and not motivated by any specific goal. She uses a variety of tools to open the door, but it's not clear why she's doing this or what she hopes to achieve.
    • The description of the attic is vague and doesn't provide a clear picture of the setting. The use of words like "dim" and "dusty" is too general and doesn't give the reader a sense of the space.
    • The dialogue between Barbara and Adam is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people would talk, and it doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship.
    • The Receptionist's speech is long and rambling, and it's not clear what her purpose is. She seems to be trying to be funny, but her jokes aren't very funny, and they don't add anything to the scene.
    • The scene ends abruptly, with the Receptionist handing Barbara and Adam a message. It's not clear what happens next, and the reader is left feeling unsatisfied.
    Suggestions
    • Revise Lydia's actions to make them more motivated and purposeful. Consider having her search for something specific, or have her trying to accomplish a specific goal.
    • Provide a more detailed description of the attic, using specific details to create a clear picture of the setting. Consider using sensory details to help the reader experience the space.
    • Rewrite the dialogue between Barbara and Adam to make it more natural and revealing. Consider having them talk about their fears and hopes, or about their relationship with each other.
    • Shorten the Receptionist's speech and make it more focused. Consider having her provide Barbara and Adam with specific information that they need to know.
    • Add a closing line to the scene that provides a sense of closure and leaves the reader wanting to know more.



    Scene 17 -  Navigating the Otherworldly Office: A Search for Delia
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Lydia is studying the handbook with intense interest.

    CHARLES (O.S.)
    (from distant
    downstairs)
    Lydia, Delia needs your help!

    Lydia gives one more look at the book, and then goes to
    the door quickly and silently.

    CHARLES (O.S.)
    Right now, Delia says!


    INT. OFFICE - DAY

    RECEPTIONIST
    (shaking her head
    in disgust)
    Out that way, through the typing
    pool, down the corridor, sixth
    door on your left. Sixth door.
    Two threes.
    (shaking her head)
    Airhead.

    Adam and Barbara walk through a door.


    INT. TYPING POOL - DAY
    TB
    A vast room of desks arranged in a grid, straight
    out of "How To Succeed In Business"... Each desk is
    occupied, too, but most of the secretaries are merely
    skeletons, or mouldering corpses slumped over their
    typewriters.

    Only one secretary, somewhere in the vast grid, is
    typing slowly, with long pauses between words.

    The Messenger on his return trip, parallels Barbara and
    Adam as they walk along. Barbara can't look at him.

    MESSENGER
    How do I look? There're no
    mirrors on this side.

    ADAM
    (trying to be
    pleasant)
    Fine, you look fine.

    MESSENGER
    Thanks. I've been feeling a
    little flat.


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    He laughs at his own joke as he goes back through the
    very, very narrow slot in the wall where the line
    runs. Adam and Barbara look to the right and left.
    A vast stack of files slips off a desk and spills out
    onto the floor.


    INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

    Barbara and Adam enter corridor.

    Empty, like a hotel corridor, but all the doors are of
    different types -- a revolving door, a dutch door,
    church doors. They walk past a waist-high window,
    covered by a roll-up shade.

    BARBARA
    A hundred twenty-five years!
    I can't believe it. I can't
    believe they didn't tell us.

    She bumps into the shade and it rolls up FLAPPING. She
    stares in through the window. Adam peers in it too.


    THEIR POV

    A smouldering, mist-filled room. From the smoky plasma
    floats an occasional tortured soul. Unspeakably SAD
    MUSIC wafts from within. They get only a glimpse of
    TB
    the bodies in this horrible human soup.

    BARBARA
    Adam, look at this.

    Suddenly, floating up from below, immediately on the
    other side of the window, a white-crepe face emerges.
    It seems to be that of a woman, her eyes are red and
    blue tears rim them. Her pale skin is covered with a
    flaking crust of salt. She wears the saddest look
    ever. Her mouth opens plaintively but no sound comes.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    Oh, Adam... what is this?

    A reflection joins them on their side of the window.


    A SINISTER LITTLE JANITOR

    wizened and efficient, pulls the shade down firmly.

    SINISTER MAN
    That's the lost souls room.
    A room for ghosts who have been
    exorcised. Poor devils. That's
    death for the dead. It's all in
    the handbook. Keep moving.

    The man scuttles off. Adam and Barbara walk on sadly,
    until they come to a door that looks exactly like the
    swinging door between the kitchen and dining room of
    their house.

    ADAM
    This is it... the sixth door.

    Puzzled -- Barbara pushes it.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Lydia is called away from her studies to assist Delia, while Adam and Barbara traverse a disturbing landscape of skeletons, mist-filled human soup, and a lost souls room. They encounter various characters, including a helpful Messenger and a Sinister Little Janitor. The group faces conflicts, tension, and confusion as they press on, ultimately reaching the sixth door and preparing to enter.
    Strengths
    • Unique concept
    • Engaging atmosphere
    • Mix of tones
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines elements of fantasy, comedy, and horror to create a unique and intriguing atmosphere. The mix of tones keeps the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of exploring the afterlife, encountering different types of ghosts, and the idea of a waiting room for the dead is fascinating and well-executed.

    Plot: 8

    The plot moves forward as Adam and Barbara follow the instructions to find their caseworker, Juno, and encounter various obstacles along the way.

    Originality: 9

    The scene is highly original in its depiction of the afterlife as a bureaucratic nightmare, blending supernatural elements with mundane office settings. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters of Adam and Barbara show vulnerability, confusion, and determination as they navigate the afterlife. The Sinister Man adds an element of mystery and fear.

    Character Changes: 6

    Adam and Barbara show growth in their understanding of their situation and their determination to find answers.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal in this scene is to understand and navigate the rules and requirements of the afterlife bureaucracy. This reflects her deeper need for control and order in a chaotic and unfamiliar environment.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find and help Delia, as requested by Charles. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the afterlife and fulfilling obligations to other souls.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    There is a low to moderate level of conflict as Adam and Barbara face challenges in navigating the afterlife and finding their caseworker.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonists facing challenges and obstacles in the form of the afterlife bureaucracy and the lost souls room. The uncertainty of how they will navigate these obstacles adds to the tension.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are moderately high as Adam and Barbara seek to understand their afterlife and find a way to move forward.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of the afterlife and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal and absurd elements, such as skeletons working at desks and a lost souls room. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of death and the afterlife. The bureaucratic nature of the afterlife challenges the protagonists' beliefs about what comes after death and the treatment of souls.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes emotions of sadness, confusion, and fear as the characters encounter the 'lost souls room' and interact with the Sinister Man.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue is functional, providing necessary information and adding to the atmosphere of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, dark humor, and intriguing exploration of the afterlife bureaucracy. The blend of supernatural elements with mundane office settings keeps the audience captivated.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions that enhance readability.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative.


    Critique
    • The scene is a bit confusing and disorienting, with a lot of different elements and characters introduced quickly.
    • The dialogue doesn't flow very well and feels stilted and unnatural.
    • The action is hard to follow and it's not clear what's happening or why.
    • The scene doesn't seem to have a clear purpose or direction.
    • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with a clear establishing shot of the attic, and then introduce the characters and their actions one at a time.
    • Make the dialogue more natural and conversational, and give the characters more distinct voices.
    • Simplify the action and focus on one or two main events.
    • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction, such as having the characters discover something important or make a decision.
    • Develop the characters more and give them clear motivations and goals.



    Scene 18 -  Ghostly Dilemma: The Unwelcome New Occupants
    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Everything is dark, quiet -- but the furniture is
    obviously not theirs, and neither is the decoration.
    Adam and Barbara exchange glances, and push on through
    into the living room.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    Quiet, dark. Everyone's asleep.

    ADAM
    My God, we're back home.

    BARBARA
    Look at this, everything is
    TB different down here.
    furniture is gone.

    ADAM
    All our



    How long do you suppose we were
    waiting?

    JUNO
    Three months.


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    A spot comes on, revealing JUNO -- their caseworker.
    She's an older woman, no nonsense about her. Over-
    dressed in an outfit that includes a blouse with
    ruffled cuffs. We will at some point catch a glimpse
    of her slashed throat -- she smokes heavily. Occa-
    sionaly smoke puffs from her cut throat.

    JUNO
    I'd nearly given up on you. I was
    about to leave. I do have other
    clients.

    BARBARA
    Are you Juno, our caseworker?

    JUNO
    Yes. I evaluate individual cases
    and determine if help is needed,
    deserved, and available.

    BARBARA
    We need help. We deserve help.

    ADAM
    Are you available?

    JUNO
    No.
    (beat)
    What's wrong?

    BARBARA
    We're very unhappy.

    JUNO
    What do you expect? You're dead.

    ADAM
    We'd like some help in getting rid
    of the people who moved in here.
    Barbara and I worked very hard on
    this house.

    BARBARA
    We probably wouldn't mind sharing
    TB the house with people who were --

    JUNO
    -- like you used to be?

    BARBARA
    Yes.

    ADAM
    But these people --

    He indicates a particularly bad piece of Delia's sculp-
    ture. Juno walks around it shaking her head.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Supernatural"]

    Summary In this somber and melancholic scene, Adam and Barbara return as ghosts to their newly furnished and decorated home, only to find it occupied by new people. They encounter their caseworker, Juno, who informs them that they have been dead for three months. In their dismay, they request Juno's help in getting rid of the new occupants, but she declines, stating her role and their unfortunate situation. The scene ends with Juno's revelation, leaving the conflict unresolved. The key visual elements include the unfamiliar furniture, and Juno's slashed throat, with occasional puffs of smoke. The key dialogue revolves around their realization of being home, Juno's revelation, and their request for help.
    Strengths
    • Sharp dialogue
    • Dark humor
    • Emotional depth
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may be confusing for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends dark humor with poignant moments, creating a compelling and engaging narrative that delves into the complexities of the afterlife. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the characters and their predicament.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of an afterlife caseworker evaluating the deceased's need for help is innovative and adds a fresh perspective to the supernatural genre. The scene effectively explores the bureaucracy of the afterlife and the challenges faced by the dead in navigating their new existence.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the deceased couple seeks help in dealing with the living occupants of their home, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The introduction of the caseworker adds depth to the narrative and propels the story forward.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the afterlife genre, with unique character dynamics and a darkly comedic tone. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, particularly Adam and Barbara, are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions from frustration to hope. Juno, the caseworker, adds a mysterious and intriguing element to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters, particularly Adam and Barbara, undergo emotional changes as they confront their new reality and seek help in dealing with the living occupants of their home. Their growth and development add depth to the scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging and purpose in the afterlife. They are seeking help and expressing their unhappiness, reflecting their deeper need for comfort and familiarity.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reclaim their home from the new inhabitants and restore it to its former state. This reflects their immediate challenge of adjusting to the changes in their environment.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict between the deceased couple and the living occupants of their home sets up tension and potential resolutions. The internal conflict of the characters grappling with their new reality adds depth to the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Juno challenging the protagonist's beliefs and pushing them to confront the reality of their situation. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are high as the deceased couple grapple with the living occupants of their home and seek help in dealing with their new reality. The potential consequences of their actions add tension and intrigue to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the afterlife bureaucracy and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The narrative progresses as the characters seek help and navigate their new existence.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the surreal elements of the afterlife. The audience is kept on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between the protagonist's desire for familiarity and the reality of their new existence in the afterlife. This challenges their beliefs about control and ownership.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions from humor to melancholy, creating a poignant and engaging experience for the audience. The characters' struggles and interactions add emotional depth to the narrative.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the dark humor and emotional depth of the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its intriguing premise, witty dialogue, and mysterious atmosphere. The interactions between the characters keep the audience invested in their journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character cues. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict for Adam and Barbara. They enter their dining room, realize it's been redecorated, and then encounter Juno, their caseworker. However, it's not clear what they want from Juno or what they hope to achieve by meeting with her.
    • The dialogue is somewhat stilted and unnatural. For example, when Adam asks, "Are you available?", Juno responds, "No." This exchange is abrupt and doesn't provide much insight into Juno's character or motivations.
    • The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way. Adam and Barbara learn that they've been dead for three months, but this information doesn't have any immediate impact on their situation or their goals.
    • The character of Juno is underdeveloped. She's introduced as Adam and Barbara's caseworker, but we don't learn much about her personality or her role in the afterlife.
    • The scene ends abruptly with Juno stating that she's not available to help Adam and Barbara. This leaves the audience hanging and doesn't provide any closure to the scene.
    Suggestions
    • Give Adam and Barbara a clear goal or conflict to pursue in the scene. For example, they could try to convince Juno to help them get rid of the new occupants of their house, or they could try to learn more about their current situation.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. For example, instead of having Juno simply say "No" when Adam asks if she's available, you could have her explain her reasons for not being able to help them.
    • Add more details to the scene to help advance the plot. For example, you could have Adam and Barbara interact with other ghosts in the afterlife, or you could have them discover a clue that leads them closer to their goal.
    • Develop the character of Juno by giving her more personality and motivations. For example, you could have her reveal that she's a former ghost who has been helping others in the afterlife, or you could have her share her own experiences with death and loss.
    • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by providing some closure to Adam and Barbara's conflict. For example, you could have Juno agree to help them, or you could have her give them some advice that helps them move forward.



    Scene 19 -  Juno's Haunting Lessons
    INT. HOUSE

    The following conversation takes place as Barbara and
    Adam follow Juno as she looks around the house and ends
    up in their attic space.

    JUNO
    Things seem pretty quiet here.
    You should thank God you didn't
    die in Italy.
    (checking the file)
    The Deetzes. Okay. Have you been
    studying the manual?

    ADAM
    We tried.

    JUNO
    The Intermediate Interface chapter
    on Haunting says it all. Get 'em
    out yourself. It's your house.
    Haunted houses don't come easy.

    BARBARA
    We don't quite get it.

    Juno's watch BUZZES, she stops it.

    JUNO
    I heard.
    (refers to her file)
    Tore your face right off! Bad
    news. It obviously doesn't do
    any good to pull your heads off in
    front of people if they can't see
    you.

    ADAM
    We have to start simpler, is that
    it?

    JUNO
    Start simply. Do what you know.
    TB Use your talents. Practice. We
    only help those who help
    themselves. Just do a little at a
    time. And of course, practice,
    practice, practice. It's tricky
    but -- you weren't murderers by
    any chance, were you?

    BARBARA
    No.

    JUNO
    Pity. Murderers seem to have an
    easy time of it. Just look at
    Amityville.
    (reminiscing)
    He was one of my boys. Didn't
    have to give that one any lessons.
    From day one... But I must be
    off... I've got a plane load of
    football players crashed in the
    midwest... they need a lot of
    help, just with the basics.

    Points at her head indicating dumbness.

    BARBARA
    If... we have trouble. What about
    the guy in the flyer? Betelge...

    JUNO
    (quickly interrupt-
    ing her)
    Don't say his name, you don't want
    his help.

    Adam and Barbara look at each other. Puzzled.

    ADAM & BARBARA
    Well... We might...
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In this humorous and lighthearted scene, ghost Juno finds Adam and Barbara struggling to haunt their house. Offering advice, Juno instructs them to use their talents and practice, warning against seeking help from Betelgeuse. The scene takes place in the attic, where Juno examines Delia's sculpture. The scene concludes with Juno departing for the midwest to assist football players.
    Strengths
    • Witty dialogue
    • Intriguing concept of afterlife bureaucracy
    • Introduction of Betelgeuse as a mysterious and dangerous character
    Weaknesses
    • Some confusion in the afterlife rules and hierarchy

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends fantasy, comedy, and horror elements, creating a unique and engaging atmosphere. The dialogue is witty and reveals important information about the afterlife rules.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of the afterlife bureaucracy, haunting rules, and the danger of seeking help from Betelgeuse are intriguing and well-developed. It adds depth to the story and sets up future conflicts.

    Plot: 7

    The plot progresses as the deceased couple learns about their situation and the challenges they face in haunting their house. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of conflict.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the concept of haunting and the afterlife, with unique character interactions and a darkly comedic tone.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Adam, Barbara, and Juno are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. Juno's mysterious nature adds intrigue to the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    Barbara and Adam begin to understand the rules of the afterlife and the challenges they face in haunting their house. They show growth in their willingness to learn and adapt.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand how to haunt their own house and navigate the afterlife. This reflects their deeper desire to find a way to exist in their new ghostly form.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to learn how to haunt their house effectively and potentially seek help from a mysterious figure named Betelgeuse.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict arises from the challenges faced by the deceased couple in haunting their house and the introduction of Betelgeuse as a potential threat. There is tension and uncertainty in the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, especially with the mention of Betelgeuse and Juno's warnings.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the deceased couple realizes the challenges they face in haunting their house and the potential danger of seeking help from Betelgeuse.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing important concepts, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the understanding of the afterlife rules and challenges.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the introduction of the mysterious character Betelgeuse and the unexpected twists in the dialogue.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the idea of helping oneself and seeking external help. Juno emphasizes the importance of self-reliance, while the mention of Betelgeuse introduces the idea of seeking outside assistance.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including confusion, humor, and a sense of foreboding. The characters' struggles and the mysterious nature of the afterlife bureaucracy add emotional depth.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the afterlife rules and the challenges faced by the characters. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, supernatural elements, and character dynamics that keep the audience intrigued.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with action and maintaining a sense of intrigue.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and progression of the plot.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't flow very well and it's not very engaging.
    • The characters are not very well developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
    • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or direction. It just kind of wanders around without really going anywhere.
    • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
    • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivation.
    • Give the scene a clear goal or direction. What do you want the characters to achieve by the end of the scene?
    • Cut down the scene by removing any unnecessary dialogue or action.



    Scene 20 -  Juno Warns of Malevolent Spirit in Cemetery
    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    Juno peers into the model cemetery with interest. A
    FLY BUZZES around her. Juno blows it away. Fly flees.

    JUNO
    No you don't! He does not work
    well with others.

    BARBARA
    What do you mean? What's he do?

    A grave look comes over Juno's face as the light
    changes to suggest someone telling a ghost story around
    a campfire.
    TB JUNO
    I wasn't going to bring it up --
    but rather than have you stumble
    into it and make another mistake,
    I'll tell you --
    (she nervously puffs
    her cigarette)
    He was my assistant, but he was a
    troublemaker...
    He went out on his own as a free-
    lance bio-exorcist -- claims to
    get rid of the living... got into
    more trouble -- you remember the
    Chicago Fire...

    Adam and Barbara look at each other. Juno continues.

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    He was demoted to a Grade-6
    malevolent spirit. He's been
    imprisoned on that plane ever
    since... in fact, I believe he's
    been sleezing around your cemetery
    lately. He can only be brought
    back by saying his name three
    times.

    Adam and Barbara attempt to interrupt --

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    But I strongly suggest that you
    remove the Deetz's yourself.

    She takes a final drag on the cigarette and smoke
    billows out the hole in her throat. Juno starts to
    FADE.

    ADAM
    And if we need you again, how do
    we...?

    Juno fades. Gone. Barbara goes to the model, looks
    at the cemetery.

    BARBARA
    That guy is in our cemetery. Oh,
    Adam.

    ADAM
    (holds her shoul-
    ders, calms her)
    Look, she's right. We'll just
    start simple, honey, be tougher.
    I feel... confident. C'mon.

    They exit.
    TB
    CAMERA FOLLOWS ACTION - OVER THE MODEL

    The FLY BUZZES. It lands and crawls along into the model of
    the cemetery.


    THE FLY

    resplendently green and iridescent, pauses and fiddles
    with its hairy parts. Starts to walk by.

    VOICE
    Pssstt! Over here!

    Fly stops. Tilts its multi-eyed head.


    ANOTHER ANGLE

    Two hands come up from the earth of that grave holding
    a candy bar.

    VOICE
    I can't use this. You should have
    it. Flies get so little respect
    anymore.


    THE FLATTERED FLY

    walks over to the grave. In a flash, the hands grab
    the struggling fly and dance it like a doll over the
    grave and then pull it into the earth.

    FLY
    Buzzz!
    (turns into)
    Help me! Help me!

    A MANIACAL LAUGH grows from the grave. WIND BLOWS as
    the Fly disappears. Ivy whips away from the grave-
    stone. We see, for the first time, the chiseled name:

    BETELGEUSE

    CLAP OF THUNDER.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Juno, a ghost, reveals to Adam and Barbara that a troublemaking assistant of hers, now a demoted malevolent spirit, has been imprisoned in their cemetery after the Chicago Fire. Juno warns them to remove the Deetz's themselves and fades away. The scene ends with a fly being lured into the model cemetery and then pulled into a grave with the name Betelgeuse engraved on it, followed by a clap of thunder. Adam and Barbara decide to handle the situation confidently despite the eerie and ominous tone.
    Strengths
    • Engaging concept
    • Well-defined characters
    • Mix of fantasy, comedy, and horror elements
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development in this scene
    • Some elements may be confusing for viewers

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines elements of fantasy, comedy, and horror to create an engaging and intriguing narrative. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a layer of mystery and danger to the story, while the comedic moments provide relief from the darker themes.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of a bio-exorcist and the rules of the afterlife are well-developed and add depth to the scene. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a malevolent spirit with a dark past creates intrigue and sets up potential conflicts for the characters.

    Plot: 7

    The plot progresses as Adam and Barbara seek help from Juno to remove the new occupants of their house. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a potential threat raises the stakes and adds tension to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the concept of dealing with malevolent spirits, blending supernatural elements with dark humor and suspense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the story.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Adam, Barbara, Juno, and Betelgeuse are well-defined and each have their own motivations and personalities. Their interactions drive the plot forward and create conflict and tension.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Betelgeuse and the revelation of the rules of the afterlife set the stage for potential growth and development for the characters in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Juno's internal goal in this scene is to warn Adam and Barbara about the danger posed by Betelgeuse and to advise them to take action to protect themselves. This reflects Juno's deeper desire to prevent further mistakes and protect her clients from harm.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to inform Adam and Barbara about the presence of Betelgeuse in their cemetery and to advise them on how to handle the situation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in dealing with a malevolent spirit.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between the Maitlands and the new occupants of their house, as well as the potential threat of Betelgeuse, creates tension and drives the plot forward. The stakes are high as the characters navigate the afterlife and seek to protect their home.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the presence of Betelgeuse posing a significant threat to the characters. The audience is left wondering how Adam and Barbara will handle the situation and overcome the malevolent spirit.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the Maitlands face the threat of Betelgeuse and the challenge of removing the new occupants from their home. The potential consequences of failing to protect their house add tension and urgency to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, rules, and characters that will impact the Maitlands' journey in the afterlife. The revelation of Betelgeuse as a potential threat raises the stakes and sets up future conflicts.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the revelation of Betelgeuse's presence and the eerie interaction with the fly. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of dealing with malevolent spirits and the consequences of their actions. Juno's warning highlights the ethical dilemma of interacting with dangerous entities and the potential risks involved.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, curiosity, and amusement. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a malevolent spirit adds a sense of danger and foreboding, while the comedic moments provide relief and levity.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit. The conversations between Juno, Adam, and Barbara are witty and add depth to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, dark humor, and suspenseful atmosphere. The dialogue and character interactions keep the audience intrigued and invested in the story.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to the revelation of Betelgeuse's presence and the eerie interaction with the fly. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


    Critique
    • The exposition-heavy dialogue about Betelgeuse's backstory is somewhat dry and could benefit from being more visually engaging or integrated into the action.
    • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal for Adam and Barbara, making it feel somewhat aimless.
    • Juno's warning about Betelgeuse could be more impactful if it were delivered with a greater sense of urgency or dire consequences.
    • The transition from Juno's departure to Adam and Barbara's contemplation of the cemetery feels abrupt and could use a smoother bridge.
    • The fly subplot, while visually interesting, doesn't have a clear connection to the main characters or the plot and could be considered extraneous.
    Suggestions
    • Consider incorporating Juno's backstory into the action by having Adam and Barbara witness or experience some of the trouble Betelgeuse caused during his time as a freelance bio-exorcist.
    • Give Adam and Barbara a specific task or goal to accomplish in the scene, such as devising a plan to remove the Deetzes or investigating the strange occurrences in their cemetery.
    • Heighten the tension by having Juno deliver her warning in a more ominous or threatening tone, or by showing the consequences of ignoring her advice through visual cues or sound effects.
    • Add a transitional moment between Juno's departure and Adam and Barbara's discussion, such as a beat of silence or a brief shot of them looking at each other with concern.
    • Explore the connection between the fly subplot and the main characters by having the fly interact with Adam and Barbara in some way, or by using it as a symbol or metaphor for their situation.



    Scene 21 -  Charles' Failed Attempt to Convince Maxie to Invest in Winter River
    INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT

    Charles is on the phone. He has drawings laid out in
    front of him. He is at his most urban persuasive, and
    oddly relaxed -- he is finally in his own element.

    CHARLES
    Maxie, have I not always made you
    TB money? I think that is the only
    real question here.


    INT. MAXIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

    New York office, cool design, black couch, and MAXIE
    DEAN, a 55-year-old, super tan, white-haired wheeler
    dealer. Sign says: CHAIRMAN of BOTCO INDUSTRIES.
    Maxie looks rich and he looks cool as he talks to
    Charles. Behind him, Sarah, his rich-looking blonde
    wife, is looking at herself in a mirror.

    MAXIE
    Well, Charles -- no one has made me
    money like you. Until your nerves
    went, you were a demon. It is
    just that... Winter River,
    Connecticut is, you'll forgive me,
    no fucking where. Why would I
    invest that kind of money to buy
    an old building way the hell up
    there?


    INTERCUT CONVERSATION

    CHARLES
    Not a building! That's the beauty
    of it. I think I can buy the
    whole town. These people don't
    know the value of their property!

    MAXIE
    Then we own a whole town full of
    nowhere.

    CHARLES
    No, No -- C'mon, Max, you know
    me. I've got plans. You gotta
    come up here and see, then I'll
    tell you about it.

    Maxie isn't much interested.

    MAXIE
    Well, sure, Charles, but I am busy
    here... you know how it was when
    you were active.

    This burns Charles. But he swallows it. He hears
    something in the corridor outside -- a kind of LOW
    MOANING.

    CHARLES
    (into telephone)
    Just a minute, Maxie. Somebody.
    TB MAXIE
    No listen... we'll talk about
    this visiting later, I gotta go,
    I gotta meeting on the Japanese
    joint venture.

    CHARLES
    (torn between the
    MOANING and Maxie)
    Great idea, Maxie! Those Japanese
    could run it for us. Listen,
    think right about it, will you?
    We've almost got the house ready,
    you bring Sarah with you and I'll
    show you.

    MAXIE
    Yeah yeah, we'll think on it.
    Bye ya, Charles. You relax up
    there, ya hear?

    Maxie hangs up. Shakes his head.

    MAXIE
    (continuing)
    Putz! Inter River? My ass.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

    Summary In this scene, Charles tries to persuade Maxie Dean, a wealthy businessman, to invest in buying the whole town of Winter River, Connecticut. The conversation is filled with Charles emphasizing his ability to make Maxie money and his plans for Winter River, while Maxie expresses his reservations about the location and his busy schedule. A low moaning sound in the corridor distracts Charles during the conversation. However, Maxie remains uninterested and ends the call after setting up a potential future visit. The scene ends with Maxie shaking his head, calling Charles a 'putz' and dismissing the idea of investing in Winter River.
    Strengths
    • Strong character dynamics
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intriguing setup
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal emotional impact
    • Limited character development

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively sets up the conflict between Charles and Maxie, introduces the financial opportunity in Winter River, and adds a mysterious element with the low moaning, keeping the audience engaged.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of Charles trying to convince Maxie to invest in the town and the introduction of the mysterious moaning adds depth to the scene.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Charles tries to persuade Maxie to visit Winter River and invest in the town, setting up potential future conflicts and developments.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of ambition and power by setting it in a small-town context and exploring the clash between urban wealth and rural community. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Charles and Maxie are well-developed, with Charles being persuasive and determined, while Maxie is skeptical and busy. Their dynamic adds tension to the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the conflict and setting up future developments.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Charles' internal goal in this scene is to prove himself to Maxie and regain his former success. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition, as well as his fear of failure and irrelevance.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Maxie to invest in the town of Winter River, Connecticut. This reflects the immediate challenge of securing funding for his ambitious plan.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict between Charles and Maxie regarding the investment opportunity in Winter River.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Maxie's reluctance and skepticism providing a significant obstacle for Charles to overcome in his quest to secure funding.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are moderately high as Charles tries to secure an investment for the town of Winter River, which could potentially change the course of the story.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the investment opportunity and the conflict between Charles and Maxie.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and hidden agendas of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the value of urban wealth and power represented by Maxie and the potential of rural community and revitalization represented by Charles. This challenges Charles' beliefs about success and the importance of small-town values.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The emotional impact is moderate, with tension and intrigue being the primary emotions evoked.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue between Charles and Maxie is engaging and reveals their personalities and motivations effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, hidden motivations, and contrasting settings that create tension and suspense.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense through quick dialogue exchanges and scene transitions.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and intercut conversations that maintain the pacing and tension.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is mostly clear and straightforward, but it lacks subtext and depth. The characters are talking about business and money, but there is no real emotional connection or conflict between them.
    • Maxie's characterization is a bit one-dimensional. He comes across as a stereotypical rich guy who is only interested in making money.
    • The scene lacks visual interest. The setting is a generic office, and the characters are mostly just sitting around talking.
    • The scene does not advance the plot in any significant way. It is mostly just exposition and setup for future events.
    Suggestions
    • Add more subtext and depth to the dialogue. What are the characters really thinking and feeling? What are their motivations? What is their relationship like?
    • Give Maxie more personality and depth. What are his interests and hobbies? What is his relationship with Charles?
    • Make the scene more visually interesting. Add some unique details to the setting. Use lighting and camera angles to create a more dynamic and engaging environment.
    • Consider cutting some of the exposition and setup. Get to the action faster. What is the most important thing that happens in this scene? What is the conflict? What is the resolution?
    • Slow down the pace of the dialogue. Let the characters take their time to speak and think. This will create more suspense and tension.



    Scene 22 -  Prankster Lydia and the Ghostly Standoff
    INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT

    Charles hangs up frustrated. MOANING INCREASES. He
    goes to the door and flings it open.

    A figure is right there in the doorway -- A ghost under
    a sheet. But a "designer" sheet. He wails away like a
    banshee. Eyeholes cut in sheets, Charles jumps, re-
    covers.

    CHARLES
    Oh, Jesus, Lydia! Is Connecticut
    so boring that you have to think
    up shit like this?

    ON Barbara, she stands back away from the door observ-
    ing skeptically.

    CHARLES
    (continuing)
    I had Maxie Dean on the phone!
    Darling, Dad's found a way to make
    some money here while I relax, so
    scram!

    He slams the door, turns around. Then turns around
    again, and jerks the door open. The ghost is retreat-
    ing, beaten.

    CHARLES
    TB (continuing)
    And your mother is going to kill
    you when she sees that you cut
    holes in her $300 sheets. You
    provoke her you know. I mean she
    can be an unreasonable bitch. But
    you do provoke her.

    He SLAMS the door again.


    INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

    Adam helps Barbara on with her sheet.

    BARBARA
    God, this is so corny. Have we
    been reduced to this? Sheets?

    ADAM
    Think of them as death shrouds.
    And the moaning is important.
    Really moan!
    (imitating Juno)
    Practice, practice, practice.


    INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

    Television still going, Delia asleep with curlers.
    Adam and Barbara glide inside, go over and stand beside
    the bed.

    ADAM
    Deep breath... and...


    INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - NIGHT

    She has her ever-present camera around her neck. Sud-
    denly hears MOANS from her parents' room. Thinking it
    is sexual, she cringes. Covers her ears.

    LYDIA
    Gross! How can he stand that
    woman?
    (louder)
    Hey, cut it out! I'm a child!
    For God sakes!

    The NOISE gets weirder. Lydia gets interested.


    INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

    Adam and Barbara moan and groan. Delia doesn't stir.

    BARBARA
    TB I feel really stupid.

    ADAM
    It's not stupid. We're ghosts.
    Do you want this woman for
    breakfast for 125 years? Moan
    louder!

    Barbara moans louder and more weirdly.

    Delia stirs, sits up, but doesn't open her eyes.

    Adam and Barbara are excited then... disappointed as
    Delia fumbles on the bedside table for the remote con-
    trol device, and without opening her eyes, turns off
    the television set. Then she turns over, and is lost
    to the world totally.

    Barbara sighs. She and Adam walk toward the door.
    When they open it however, Lydia is standing there in
    her pajamas -- she snaps a FLASH Polaroid -- and Adam
    and Barbara jump backwards with yelps of fright.

    LYDIA
    Sick! Sexual perversion! If
    you're going to do weird sexual
    stuff you ought to stay in your
    bedroom, okay?

    Lydia starts back into her room. Then looks at the
    developing photograph. Something catches her eye.

    Lydia yelps with fear.

    LYDIA
    Holy cow! No feet!

    She screams. Adam and Barbara scream. Lydia rushes
    back toward them, starts flashing pictures.

    Adam and Barbara run around and are pushed into a
    corner. Polaroids fly everywhere.

    Lydia runs out of film. She stares at them, panting
    with fear. A standoff.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    A... Are you the guys who're
    hiding out in the attic?

    ADAM
    (fake terror voice)
    We're ghosts.

    Barbara moans.

    LYDIA
    TB (skeptical, cautious)
    W... What do you look like under
    there?

    Adam and Barbara pull shut bedroom door, go out into
    the hall -- as if to keep from waking Delia with their
    conversation.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Horror"]

    Summary In this lighthearted and humorous scene, Charles gets startled by a ghost in his study, which turns out to be a prank by his daughter Lydia. Adam and Barbara, actual ghosts, attempt to scare Delia but fail. Lydia takes a picture of them, revealing their ghostly nature. The scene ends with a standoff between Lydia and the ghosts as they try to communicate.
    Strengths
    • Creative use of ghostly haunting techniques
    • Humorous dialogue and interactions
    • Engaging character dynamics
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may border on cliché or predictable

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines humor, whimsy, and a touch of spookiness to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to haunt their own house in creative ways is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the ghosts attempt to scare the living occupants of the house, leading to comedic misunderstandings and interactions.

    Originality: 9

    The scene presents a fresh take on the ghostly haunting trope by focusing on the ghosts' perspective and their struggles to scare the living. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters, especially the ghosts and the teenage girl, are well-developed and add humor and depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    The teenage girl, Lydia, experiences a shift in perception towards the ghosts, moving from fear to curiosity.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to adapt to their new ghostly existence and find a way to coexist with the living residents of the house. This reflects their desire to find a sense of purpose and belonging in their afterlife.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal is to scare the living residents of the house in order to assert their presence and reclaim their home. This reflects the immediate challenge they face in adjusting to their new ghostly form.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a conflict between the ghosts' attempts to scare the living and the living's misunderstanding of their intentions, creating tension and humor.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the living characters providing a challenge for the ghosts to overcome. The uncertainty of the outcome adds tension and suspense to the scene.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character interactions.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between the characters and setting up future conflicts.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and twists in the characters' actions. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the ghosts' next move.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the living and the dead, as well as the concept of acceptance and adaptation to change. The protagonist's beliefs about the afterlife and their purpose are challenged by the living characters' reactions to their presence.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits a mix of fear, amusement, and confusion from the characters and the audience.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty and humorous, capturing the personalities of the characters and driving the scene forward.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, suspense, and supernatural elements. The characters' interactions and reactions keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic supernatural screenplay, with clear character motivations and progression of events. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Critique
    • The scene opens with Charles hanging up the phone in frustration, which is a good way to create tension and intrigue. However, the subsequent dialogue between Charles and Lydia feels a bit forced and unnatural. Charles's reaction to Lydia's prank is over the top, and his threat to send her to boarding school seems like an extreme overreaction.
    • The scene then cuts to Adam and Barbara putting on sheets and moaning like ghosts. This is a bit of a strange and confusing moment, as it's not clear what their goal is. Are they trying to scare Delia? If so, why are they moaning instead of making other noises? The scene would be more effective if it were clearer what Adam and Barbara's intentions are.
    • The scene then cuts to Lydia taking pictures of Adam and Barbara, and realizing that they don't have feet. This is a good moment of suspense, but it's not clear why Lydia is so scared. Is she afraid of ghosts? If so, why didn't she react more strongly when she first saw them? The scene would be more effective if Lydia's fear were more clearly motivated.
    • The scene ends with a standoff between Adam, Barbara, and Lydia. It's a good moment of tension, but it's not clear what will happen next. Are Adam and Barbara going to attack Lydia? Will Lydia run away and tell her parents? The scene would be more effective if it were clearer what the stakes are and what the characters are likely to do next.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue between Charles and Lydia to make it more natural and believable. Charles should be more understanding of Lydia's prank, and his threat to send her to boarding school should be more proportionate to the offense.
    • Clarify what Adam and Barbara's goal is in putting on sheets and moaning like ghosts. Are they trying to scare Delia? If so, why are they moaning instead of making other noises?
    • Motivate Lydia's fear of Adam and Barbara. Is she afraid of ghosts? If so, why didn't she react more strongly when she first saw them? The scene would be more effective if Lydia's fear were more clearly motivated.
    • Add a clear resolution to the scene. What will happen next? Are Adam and Barbara going to attack Lydia? Will Lydia run away and tell her parents? The scene would be more effective if it were clearer what the stakes are and what the characters are likely to do next.



    Scene 23 -  Ghostly Encounter: Lydia Meets Adam and Barbara
    INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

    All three stare at each other tentatively.

    ADAM
    Aren't you scared?

    LYDIA
    I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren.
    Those are sheets. Are you gross
    under there? Are you "Night of
    the Living Dead" under there?
    Like all bloody veins and pus?

    ADAM
    What?

    LYDIA
    "Night of the Living Dead?" It's
    a movie.

    BARBARA
    (pulling off
    the sheet)
    If I had seen a ghost at your age,
    I would have been frightened out
    of my wits.

    LYDIA
    You're not gross. Why were you
    wearing a sheet?

    BARBARA
    We're practicing.

    ADAM
    You can actually see us? Without
    the sheets?

    LYDIA
    Is this like a trick question?

    BARBARA
    Tell the truth.

    LYDIA
    (offended)
    Of course I can see you.
    TB ADAM
    Nobody else can.

    LYDIA
    I'm wearing contacts... Also I
    read through the "Handbook for the
    Recently Deceased." It says that
    live people ignore the strange and
    unusual... I, myself, am strange
    and unusual.

    BARBARA
    (tenderly)
    You look like a regular girl to me.

    Lydia blushes. Barbara smiles warmly. She is begin-
    ning to like Lydia.

    ADAM
    You read our book? Could you
    follow it?

    Lydia nods her head.

    LYDIA
    Why are you creeping around
    Delia's bedroom?

    ADAM
    We were trying to scare your
    mother.

    LYDIA
    Stepmother. I'm very sensitive
    about being related to reptiles.

    Barbara smiles.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    You can't scare her. She's
    sleeping with Prince Valium
    tonight.
    (defiantly)
    I stole the key to your attic, you
    know.

    Adam and Barbara look at each other.

    BARBARA
    Maybe we better talk.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the upstairs hallway at night, Adam and Barbara, covered in sheets, are confronted by Lydia who reveals she's not scared as she thought they were just Ralph Lauren sheets. Lydia shows off her intelligence and sass, while Barbara responds with kindness and understanding. Adam remains cautious and defensive. Lydia shares her knowledge of the 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased' and admits to stealing the attic key, creating a light-hearted yet mysterious atmosphere. The scene concludes with Barbara proposing they have a conversation, indicating potential for further understanding in future scenes.
    Strengths
    • Engaging character interactions
    • Witty dialogue
    • Unique concept of ghosts interacting with the living
    Weaknesses
    • Mild conflict
    • Moderate emotional impact

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends fantasy, comedy, and horror elements while maintaining a whimsical and playful tone. The interaction between the characters is engaging and sets up further developments in the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare the living, but failing due to the living character's unique ability to see them, is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

    Plot: 7

    The plot progresses as the ghosts interact with Lydia and attempt to scare Delia, adding depth to the characters and setting up future events.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on ghostly characters interacting with the living world, incorporating humor and themes of acceptance. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters, especially Lydia, Adam, and Barbara, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. Lydia's curiosity and acceptance of the supernatural add depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Lydia's acceptance of the supernatural and the ghosts' growing fondness for her show subtle character changes that set up potential arcs in the story.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to be seen and understood for who she truly is, despite feeling different from others. She wants to be accepted and appreciated for her uniqueness.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to scare Lydia's stepmother, but it also reflects their desire to connect with the living world and find a sense of purpose in their afterlife.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    There is a mild conflict between the ghosts' attempt to scare Delia and Lydia's ability to see them, but it is more lighthearted than intense.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, adding depth to the characters' interactions and goals.

    High Stakes: 5

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and humor than intense conflict or danger.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

    Unpredictability: 7

    The scene is unpredictable in its humor and character dynamics, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' intentions and actions.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of acceptance and understanding of the strange and unusual. Lydia's belief in being different clashes with societal norms and expectations.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene has a moderate emotional impact, especially in the growing bond between Lydia and the ghosts, but it is more focused on humor and intrigue.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the dynamics between the characters. It effectively conveys the playful tone of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, quirky characters, and supernatural elements. The interactions between characters keep the audience interested.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


    Critique
    • The dialogue seems a bit unnatural and forced. It doesn't flow very well and some of the lines feel like they're trying too hard to be funny.
    • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
    • The characters' motivations are not always clear. For example, why are Adam and Barbara trying to scare Delia? What do they hope to achieve by doing so?
    • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • The scene lacks tension and suspense. There is no real sense of danger or urgency.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and flowing. Avoid using too many forced jokes.
    • Add more conflict to the scene. Give the characters something to fight for or against.
    • Make the characters' motivations more clear. Explain why they are doing what they are doing.
    • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • Add some tension and suspense to the scene. Make the audience feel like something is at stake.



    Scene 24 -  A Fascinating Encounter in the Attic
    INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT

    Adam's rigged up the moon, and stars, too. Adam and
    Barbara and Lydia stand just beyond the fringes of the
    town, dimly lighted giants.
    TB LYDIA
    You did this? You carved all
    these little figures and houses
    and things?

    ADAM
    (pleased)
    I certainly did. I'd finish it
    too, but... I don't get out much.

    LYDIA
    And this used to be your house, I
    bet. Why do you want to scare
    everybody?

    ADAM
    We want to frighten you away.
    (a little embarrassed)
    So that you'll move out.

    LYDIA
    You don't know the Deetz's very
    well, do you? My father bought
    this place. He never walks away
    from equity. Why don't you leave?

    BARBARA
    We can't. We haven't left the
    house since the funeral.

    LYDIA
    Funeral. God, you guys really are
    dead!
    (fascinated)
    What was it like? The funeral.
    Did you cry?

    ADAM
    We weren't there. The handbook
    says funerals aren't for the dead.

    LYDIA
    God, if this is true this is
    amazing! I kinda like it up
    here. Can I visit you sometimes?

    ADAM
    Well, I don't know... We don't get
    many visitors.

    BARBARA
    You know you're really a pretty
    girl.

    Lydia flushes.

    CHARLES (O.S.)
    TB Lydia!


    I better go...
    LYDIA


    BARBARA
    Wait... I don't think it would be
    a very good idea if you told your
    parents that we're up here.

    ADAM
    Unless you think it would scare
    them off.

    Lydia starts to exit.

    ADAM
    (continuing)
    You tell them that we are
    desperate horrible ghoulish
    creatures who will stop at nothing
    to get back our house.

    LYDIA
    (looks him up
    and down)
    Wait a minute, what if this is a
    dream? Can you do any tricks to
    prove I'm not dreaming?

    Barbara shakes her head, a little ashamed.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    Well, if you are real ghosts, you
    better get another routine, those
    sheets suck!

    She sneaks a smile at Barbara and exits.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the attic, Adam and Barbara, the ghosts of the previous homeowners, reveal to Lydia, the new resident, their plan to scare away the newcomers. Lydia, fascinated by the ghosts and the attic transformed into their old hometown, inquires about their funeral. Despite the ghosts' intentions, Lydia wishes to visit again, leading to a conflict that remains unresolved as she is called away by her father.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Creative concept
    • Well-developed characters
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of deep emotional impact
    • Mild conflict

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines humor, mystery, and supernatural elements to engage the audience.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare the living out of their house while navigating the afterlife is intriguing and well-executed.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the ghosts interact with Lydia and try to figure out how to handle the living occupants of their house.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the ghost story genre by focusing on the ghosts' perspective and their interactions with the living. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters, especially Adam, Barbara, and Lydia, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is a slight change in Lydia's perception of the ghosts as she becomes more intrigued by them.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to find a way to connect with the living world and possibly find a sense of purpose or fulfillment in their afterlife.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to scare Lydia away from the house so that she will move out.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    There is a mild conflict between the ghosts and Lydia as they try to scare her but end up engaging in conversation instead.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty about the outcome, especially in Lydia's interactions with the ghosts.

    High Stakes: 5

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene as the ghosts try to scare Lydia without much consequence.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the ghosts' dilemma and setting up potential conflicts with the living occupants.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the living and the dead, and the humorous twists in the dialogue.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict is between the living and the dead, with Lydia representing the living world and Adam and Barbara representing the dead. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about their existence and purpose.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene has a light-hearted tone with moments of curiosity and amusement, but lacks deep emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the dynamic between the characters, and the supernatural elements that add intrigue.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing information gradually, keeping the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and setting up the conflict between the living and the dead.


    Critique
    • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more conflict. For example, you could have Lydia be more resistant to Adam and Barbara's attempts to scare her away.
    • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise. For example, you could cut some of the exposition about the funeral and the handbook.
    • The scene could be more visually interesting. For example, you could describe the attic in more detail, or you could use more dynamic lighting.
    • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. You could add a few more lines to give Lydia a chance to react to what Adam and Barbara have said.
    Suggestions
    • Add more conflict to the scene by having Lydia be more resistant to Adam and Barbara's attempts to scare her away.
    • Concise the dialogue by cutting some of the exposition about the funeral and the handbook.
    • Make the scene more visually interesting by describing the attic in more detail, or by using more dynamic lighting.
    • Add a few more lines to the end of the scene to give Lydia a chance to react to what Adam and Barbara have said.



    Scene 25 -  Confrontations and Dismissals: The Ghostly Image and Damaged Sheets
    EXT. HOUSE - DAY

    A big ugly machine is doing something unnecessary to
    the yard.


    INT. DARKROOM/BASEMENT - DAY

    The FAST-TICKING CLOCK is a timer. Lydia is making
    Polaroid enlargements. She's quick and expert at this.
    She's examining a print with a magnifying glass.


    INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY

    Delia shrieks. Going through the dirty clothes, she's
    just come across the sheets with the eye holes in them.
    TB DELIA
    Lydia! Lydia! My hands are
    shredded from doing the laundry,
    and now I have to deal with your
    vandalism!


    INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

    Lydia, pounding up from the basement with the wet
    print, collides with Delia, rushing down from the sec-
    ond floor with the scissored sheets.

    DELIA
    Lydia, honest to God I'm going to
    kill you. I'm having a party
    tonight. I'm cooking, I can't get
    servants. Do I need angst? No, I
    certainly do not!

    Lydia speeds by her.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    You owe me three-hundred bucks,
    Lydia! Don't go running to your
    father, you worm.


    INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

    Lydia rushes in. Charles is working furiously on a
    word processor, amidst an array of maps and plans.

    LYDIA
    Dad. Do you believe me?

    CHARLES
    Yes. Except when you creep around
    in your mother's --

    LYDIA
    Stepmother's...

    CHARLES
    ... sheets.

    LYDIA
    Well this is... I mean, this is
    the weirdest --

    CHARLES
    Lydia, I don't know what it is
    with you and these pratical
    jokes, but --

    LYDIA
    TB This is not a joke!
    was full of ghosts.

    She hands him the photo.
    That sheet


    He looks. Lydia points
    out...

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    No feet.

    Charles laughs.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    You don't believe me. That sheet
    was full of ghosts. They live
    here.

    Charles begins to scroll through computer program.

    CHARLES
    (dismissing it)
    Very clever, Lydia. Now would you
    please -- I'll tell you what... I
    know! You're bored, right? You
    take that camera and your bike
    and photograph every building in
    town. Don't tell anyone what it's
    for...
    (handing her a
    wad of bills)
    Here, take some cash and go do
    it. How's that? You want to
    stretch, don't you?

    Lydia exits, with determination. Charles looks up on
    the wall and runs his finger over a plat map of Winter
    River, just like Adam's in the attic.

    CHARLES
    (continuing)
    Look at the size of these lots...

    Adam peers at the map, puzzled.

    ADAM
    What is this guy doing?

    Barbara follows Lydia out. Adam thinks, intrigued.
    Exits.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Horror"]

    Summary A tense scene unfolds in the house as Delia confronts Lydia about damaged sheets, which leads to a heated exchange. Lydia, seeking validation, shows Charles a ghostly image in one of her photos, but he dismisses it as a prank. Despite Lydia's desperation, Charles sends her on an errand to photograph buildings around town. The scene takes place in various locations of the house, with the visual elements including a big machine causing disturbance in the yard, Lydia working on Polaroid enlargements in the basement, Delia holding the eye-holed sheets, and Charles examining a plat map of Winter River in the attic. The conflicts remain unresolved, and the overall mood is eerie due to the ghostly image and the mention of ghosts living in the house.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Humorous interactions
    • Intriguing supernatural elements
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Some predictable plot points

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, mystery, and supernatural elements to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The interactions between the characters are amusing, and the introduction of ghostly elements adds depth to the storyline.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare away the new residents of their home while dealing with the living characters' skepticism and pranks is well-executed. The scene introduces the supernatural world in a humorous and intriguing way, setting up future conflicts and developments.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the ghosts, Adam and Barbara, try to scare the living residents away while facing challenges and skepticism. The introduction of Juno and the warning about Betelgeuse add layers to the storyline, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh approach to the supernatural genre by blending elements of family drama and dark comedy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters, especially Lydia, Delia, Charles, Adam, and Barbara, are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward. Each character's personality and motivations are clear, adding depth to the story.

    Character Changes: 5

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal more about their personalities and motivations. Lydia's curiosity and skepticism, Delia's frustration, and Adam and Barbara's determination are highlighted.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal in this scene is to convince her father, Charles, that she has encountered ghosts and that the sheet she photographed was full of them. This reflects her desire for validation and understanding from her father, as well as her frustration with not being believed.

    External Goal: 7

    Lydia's external goal in this scene is to prove to her stepmother, Delia, that she did not vandalize the sheets and that there is a supernatural presence in the house. This reflects her immediate challenge of dealing with accusations and skepticism from her family.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily between the ghosts and the living characters. The tension between the two worlds and the ghosts' attempts to scare away the new residents create conflict and drive the plot forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, with Lydia facing skepticism and disbelief from her family members. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding suspense and intrigue to the scene.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are moderate in the scene, with the ghosts trying to reclaim their home and the living characters facing supernatural encounters. The conflict between the two worlds adds tension and intrigue, raising the stakes for the characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements such as Juno, Betelgeuse, and the ghosts' plan to scare away the new residents. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions, advancing the plot in an engaging and entertaining way.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the outcome of the conflict.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around belief in the supernatural and skepticism. Lydia believes in ghosts and is trying to convince her father, while Charles and Delia are skeptical and dismissive of her claims. This challenges Lydia's beliefs and values, as well as her relationship with her family.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits emotions of amusement, curiosity, and skepticism from the audience. The interactions between the characters and the introduction of supernatural elements add depth and intrigue, engaging the viewers emotionally.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, reflecting the characters' personalities and the tone of the scene. The exchanges between the characters are engaging and move the story forward.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and intriguing plot developments. The conflict and tension between characters keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The quick transitions between locations and characters keep the story moving forward and the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are clear and concise.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows a traditional format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a lot of exposition, describing the characters' actions and setting the scene. This can be a bit tedious for the reader, and it would be more engaging to start with a bit of action or dialogue.
    • The dialogue between Delia and Lydia is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk, and it can be difficult for the reader to follow.
    • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or conflict. It seems like Lydia is trying to convince Charles that she saw ghosts, but Charles doesn't believe her. However, there's no real resolution to this conflict, and the scene just ends.
    • The scene could be more visually interesting. The description of the setting is very basic, and it would be helpful to add some more details to help the reader visualize the scene.
    • The scene could be more emotionally engaging. The characters don't really have any emotional reactions to the events of the scene, and it can be difficult for the reader to feel invested in what's happening.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with a bit of action or dialogue. For example, you could have Lydia running into the room and exclaiming, "Dad, I saw ghosts!" This would immediately grab the reader's attention and make them want to know more.
    • Make the dialogue between Delia and Lydia more natural. Use contractions, slang, and other informal language to make it sound like the way people actually talk.
    • Give the scene a clear goal or conflict. For example, you could have Lydia trying to convince Charles that she saw ghosts, but Charles doesn't believe her. This would create a conflict that the reader can follow and be invested in.
    • Add more details to the description of the setting. For example, you could mention the color of the walls, the type of furniture, and the lighting. This would help the reader visualize the scene more clearly.
    • Add more emotional reactions from the characters. For example, you could have Lydia being scared or excited when she sees the ghosts, and Charles being skeptical or disbelieving. This would make the scene more emotionally engaging for the reader.



    Scene 26 -  Delia's Dinner Party and a Journey to the Graveyard
    INT. KITCHEN - DAY

    Delia is frantically preparing for the evening's dinner
    party. Lydia is very much in her way, trying to show
    her the photographs. Delia isn't looking at them.
    TB DELIA
    I can't believe you are doing this
    to me! Ghosts. I am giving a
    dinner party for seven people
    tonight. Otho has agreed to come
    back for the demolition of the
    attic. My agent, Bernard, is
    bringing some woman who writes for
    "Art in America." In fact, no one
    here tonight has not been in
    "Vanity Fair." Except you.

    LYDIA
    (resigned)
    I told them you were too mean to
    be afraid.

    DELIA
    Don't you dare talk to others
    about me. I'm an artist! The
    only thing that scares me is being
    embarrassed in front of my
    friends. Do you know how hard it
    is to get civilized people to set
    foot in this part of Connecticut?
    Not a solitary word of this
    pubescent tripe to anyone.

    Lydia exits angrily.

    CAMERA HINGES. Barbara is watching, horrified at
    Delia's occupation of her (Barbara's) kitchen. Adam
    appears.

    BARBARA
    Lydia's trying, but they don't
    believe her.

    ADAM
    She's got photos, Barbara.

    BARBARA
    Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!

    ADAM
    This is different. Eventually
    she'll take someone to the attic.
    And then what? We've got to try
    to contact this guy Betelmyer. We
    gotta get some help, hon.


    INT. ATTIC ROOM - LATER - DAY

    Adam looks intently through the book.

    Barbara's eye is caught by something in the model
    cemetery. She moves over and sees a small gravestone
    TB
    lit up by neon.


    Adam!
    BARBARA


    Adam comes over. Looks.

    ADAM
    I didn't do that one... Hmmm.

    BARBARA
    It's him. Look... Betelgeuse...
    Betelgeuse...

    She looks at Adam, "should I?" Adam chews his lip
    thoughtfully.

    ADAM
    Go ahead... third time's a charm.

    BARBARA
    (after a deep breath)
    Betelgeuse!

    ZAP! They are transported into the model graveyard.


    EXT. INSIDE THE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

    WIND BLOWS -- With shovels and lanterns, Adam and
    Barbara are unlikely gravediggers. The mechanized
    clouds move in the sky across the mechanical moon,
    throwing weird shadows everywhere. Ground fog creeps
    slowly along the graves. It is so eerie.

    BARBARA
    What happened?

    ADAM
    Three times. Powerful number.

    BARBARA
    (standing in front
    of grave)
    Bet... el... geuse. What an
    awful name. I thought it was like
    -- you know. The juice of
    beetles.

    Adam cringes too.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    Where is he? What do we do?

    Adam looks down at the grave. Knocks on the stone.
    Nothing.
    TB ADAM
    Has anything been simple so far?
    From the look of the shovel, we
    dig.

    BARBARA
    Oh, Adam. I don't have gloves.
    My nails keep getting longer.
    I'll break them.

    Hands her a shovel anyway. She digs.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the kitchen and attic room of Delia's house, Delia is anxious about her dinner party and annoyed with Lydia's ghost photographs. Meanwhile, Adam and Barbara discuss using Lydia's photos to contact Betelgeuse and eventually find his gravestone in the model cemetery. After saying his name three times, they are transported to the graveyard, ending the scene in a mysterious and intriguing manner.
    Strengths
    • Blend of humor and tension
    • Engaging plot development
    • Innovative concept
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of digging up a grave in a model cemetery to contact Betelgeuse is innovative and adds depth to the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as Adam and Barbara try to contact Betelgeuse, introducing new challenges and mysteries.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and unique situations with supernatural elements and quirky characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters show determination and curiosity, driving the action forward.

    Character Changes: 6

    The characters show growth in their determination and willingness to take risks.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Delia's internal goal is to maintain her reputation as an artist and host a successful dinner party without any embarrassing incidents. This reflects her desire for validation and fear of failure in front of her friends.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to contact Betelgeuse and seek help in dealing with the supernatural occurrences in the attic. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need for assistance.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict arises from the characters' attempt to contact Betelgeuse and the high stakes involved.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural challenges and obstacles. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters try to contact Betelgeuse and face unknown consequences.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and mysteries for the characters to solve.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, supernatural elements, and quirky character actions. The audience is kept on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs in the supernatural and their willingness to seek help from unconventional sources. It challenges their worldview and beliefs about the unknown.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to tension, keeping the audience engaged.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and supernatural elements. The characters' interactions and the mysterious atmosphere keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and suspense. The rhythm contributes to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-written and adds to the overall structure.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The opening lines of the scene are very effective in establishing Delia's character and her current state of mind. She is clearly stressed and overwhelmed by the preparations for her dinner party, and her dismissive attitude towards Lydia's concerns about ghosts creates a sense of tension and conflict.
    • The dialogue between Delia and Lydia is well-written and realistic, and it does a good job of revealing their different personalities and perspectives. Delia is sharp-tongued and sarcastic, while Lydia is more timid and insecure.
    • The scene does a good job of setting up the conflict between Delia and Barbara. Delia is determined to ignore the ghosts and focus on her party, while Barbara is desperate to find a way to get rid of them. This conflict is likely to drive the rest of the scene and the rest of the story.
    • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, as Adam and Barbara are transported into the model graveyard. This is a good way to build suspense and leave the reader wanting more.
    • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow in places, and some of the dialogue could be trimmed down to make the scene more concise.
    Suggestions
    • Add more details to the setting to help the reader visualize the kitchen and the attic room.
    • Give Delia a stronger motivation for wanting to ignore the ghosts. For example, you could have her say that she's worried about losing her friends if they find out she believes in ghosts.
    • Add more conflict between Adam and Barbara. For example, you could have Barbara accuse Adam of not doing enough to help her get rid of the ghosts.
    • Add a twist to the ending of the scene. For example, you could have Adam and Barbara discover that Betelgeuse is not who they thought he was.



    Scene 27 -  The Maitlands' Unwise Bargain with Betelgeuse
    EXT. INSIDE THE MODEL GRAVEYARD - LATER - NIGHT

    They're almost down six feet. By now they are both
    almost out of sight in the grave. Inside the grave --
    Adam suddenly hits wood.

    BARBARA
    It's about time.

    They lean down and brush dirt off a brass plate on the
    coffin.

    "BETELGEUSE"

    ADAM
    I guess we open it.

    BARBARA
    Maybe we should knock first?

    A slight TREMOR shakes them. They look at each other
    and try to scramble from the grave.


    TOPSIDE

    They just barely crawl out when a mouldering corpse
    springs out of the grave and jumps on Barbara's back,
    and plants a thousand-year-old kiss on her lips. She
    screams and burbles. Adam pulls the corpse off her
    back. The corpse does a Three Stooges hammer on Adam's
    head.

    Adam staggers backward, unhurt but shocked. All three
    stop.


    ON THE CORPSE

    Something unreal about him, almost mechanical. Then
    the corpse, grinning insanely at them, flies straight
    up into the air over their heads. He CRASHES against
    the tombstone...

    And Adam and Barbara see the corpse is only a huge
    TB
    marionette on a string and pole.
    behind the gravestone.
    A LAUGH comes from



    PUPPETEER BETELGEUSE

    steps out. He looks like someone who just crawled out
    from under a rock. This is one slippery customer.
    Betelgeuse speaks in a rapid polyglot, choosing words
    and phrases from every slang in the world. Barbara is
    mighty uneasy.

    BETELGEUSE
    All right. Who are you?

    BARBARA
    We're...

    BETELGEUSE
    You're the dead.

    ADAM
    Aren't you dead?

    BETELGEUSE
    Hell no! I'm rolling. I'm a
    businessman. I'm the man what
    am. Beeetel Jooose! Who
    do I gotta kill?

    ADAM
    You don't kill anyone.

    BARBARA
    Just get some people out of our
    house.

    BETELGEUSE
    Bio busting. I love it. Who do
    I gotta kill? Family -- right?
    Obnoxious, I bet.
    (contorting face)
    Mommie, daddy, piglets.

    BARBARA
    Just one daughter.

    BETELGEUSE
    Hey you've been on Saturn!
    (brushing yellow dust
    off her)
    I hate those Sandworms! Yecchhh!
    I've lost a lot of buddies to
    Sandworms.
    (back to work)
    So a daughter? She got good legs?
    God I love a young leg.
    TB
    Air blows up Barbara's dress, exposing her legs.
    leers.

    BARBARA
    He



    She's only fourteen...

    ADAM
    ... acts like she's thirty-five.

    BETELGEUSE
    (rubbing hands)
    How does she feel about short old
    men with dirty ears?

    Barbara is grossed out and increasingly uneasy. Beetle
    Juice senses it and gets back to business.

    BETELGEUSE
    So you, the dead, want me, the
    undead, to throw the live guys --
    Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who
    might not mind a tumble with an
    older guy, out into the cold?
    Even though they have paid hard
    casharoonie for your dump?

    ADAM
    But... the Deetzes are destroying
    our house.

    BETELGEUSE
    (scolding sarcasm)
    You Maitlands are the backbone of
    the afterlife. So what's my cut?

    ADAM
    Can you scare them off?

    Beetle Juice looks offended.

    BETELGEUSE
    Me, scary? You be the judge.


    ANGLE

    He swirls his face and shoulders into a horrifying
    image. Pleased, he laughs at himself.

    BARBARA
    (decisively)
    Honey. Let's go.

    ADAM
    Go? What d'ya mean? We need
    help.

    BARBARA
    TB No, we don't. We can work
    something out ourselves. We just
    have to try harder.

    BETELGEUSE
    Hold on. Let's not be squeamish,
    missy. You rang my bell, you
    gotta lick the pump. I'm rolling!


    BARBARA

    grabs Adam. Betelgeuse is getting mad. Not pretty.

    BETELGEUSE
    Folks, be reasonable here. I'm at
    your service. You be the judge.
    I'm a harmless guy. Try me.

    BARBARA
    Home. Home. Home!


    ZAP

    They are gone. Betelgeuse is furious.

    BETELGEUSE
    You fresh corpse creeps! Who do
    you think you are?... Walking
    away from a professional?


    BETELGEUSE

    walks to a tree and kicks it hard. The whole huge tree
    falls, KABLOOM!
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara Maitland, the ghostly residents of a haunted house, discover the grave of the home's previous owner, Betelgeuse, and accidentally bring him back to life as a mouldering corpse marionette. Betelgeuse agrees to help the Maitlands scare away the new residents, the Deetzes, in exchange for a fee, but the Maitlands soon realize he is a dangerous and unpredictable character. After changing their minds about working with him, the Maitlands disappear, leaving Betelgeuse enraged.
    Strengths
    • Sharp dialogue
    • Unique character introduction
    • Blend of genres
    Weaknesses
    • Some potentially offensive humor
    • Lack of emotional depth in certain moments

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is highly entertaining, introducing a key character in a memorable and engaging way. The blend of genres, witty dialogue, and visual effects make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of introducing Beetlejuice through a mix of horror, comedy, and fantasy elements is executed well. The use of puppetry and special effects adds a unique visual element to the scene.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Adam and Barbara seek Beetlejuice's help in scaring off the Deetzes from their home. The introduction of Beetlejuice adds a new layer of conflict and potential resolution to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like Betelgeuse and the use of a marionette to create a surprising twist. The dialogue is fresh and witty, adding authenticity to the characters' interactions.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    Beetlejuice's character is introduced with flair, showcasing his eccentric personality and manipulative nature. Adam and Barbara's interactions with him reveal more about their own characters and motivations.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters, particularly Adam and Barbara, undergo a subtle change as they interact with Beetlejuice and navigate the new challenges he presents. Their willingness to seek outside help shows a shift in their approach to solving their problems.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to protect their home from being destroyed by the Deetzes. This reflects their deeper need for security and stability in the afterlife.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to enlist Betelgeuse's help in scaring off the Deetzes from their home. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in protecting their property.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict in the scene as Adam and Barbara seek Beetlejuice's help, leading to a clash of personalities and goals. Beetlejuice's presence introduces a new source of conflict and tension.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Betelgeuse presenting a challenge to the Maitlands' goals and beliefs.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high as Adam and Barbara seek Beetlejuice's help in reclaiming their home from the Deetzes. The outcome of their interaction with Beetlejuice could have significant consequences for their future.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing Beetlejuice as a key player in the conflict and potential resolution. His presence adds new dynamics and challenges for the main characters to overcome.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the marionette and Betelgeuse's unpredictable behavior.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the Maitlands' desire to protect their home and Betelgeuse's self-serving nature. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust and cooperation.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the tension and humor in the interactions between the characters. Beetlejuice's unsettling presence adds a layer of unease to the scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is sharp, witty, and full of sarcasm, particularly in Beetlejuice's lines. It adds humor and tension to the scene, setting the tone for future interactions.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the blend of humor, supernatural elements, and character dynamics. The interactions between the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a good balance of action and dialogue.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a supernatural comedy genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


    Critique
    • The scene is overly long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
    • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive and could be more varied and interesting.
    • The character of Betelgeuse is a bit over-the-top and could be toned down to make him more believable.
    • The scene's tone is a bit too silly and could be made more serious to create a greater sense of suspense.
    • The scene lacks a clear resolution and leaves the reader feeling somewhat unsatisfied.
    Suggestions
    • Consider cutting down the scene's length by removing unnecessary dialogue and actions.
    • Vary the dialogue by using more varied vocabulary and sentence structure.
    • Tone down Betelgeuse's character by making him less over-the-top and more believable.
    • Add a clear resolution to the scene so that the reader knows what happens next.
    • Consider adding more suspense to the scene by building up to a climax and then resolving it in a satisfying way.



    Scene 28 -  Handling the Supernatural and a Tense Dinner Party
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    A small tree falls in the model. Adam, across the
    room, walks over and straightens it.

    He looks at Barbara who is poring over the handbook.
    Making notes. Counting out procedures.

    ADAM
    Honey, I think that was a mistake.

    BARBARA
    I am not going to expose that
    little girl to that... pervert
    down there.

    ADAM
    How'd you do that?
    TB BARBARA
    (proud of herself)
    Just a hunch... remember things
    come in threes -- three times in,
    three times out... I'm getting the
    hang of this stuff.

    ADAM
    I think we really pissed him off.

    BARBARA
    I don't care...

    ADAM
    But we let him out.

    BARBARA
    I've changed my mind... I feel
    really confident. We're getting
    better at this stuff. We can
    scare them off ourselves --
    tonight! I've got an idea.
    You're going to love it... I'm
    going to hate it.


    ADAM

    turns to look down at the model again. Straightens the
    tree. Turns away. We can see a tiny light moving
    through the tiny model forest towards the house.

    ADAM (V.O.)
    Okay. But that Betelgeuse sure
    seemed mad.

    BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
    (singing)
    Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I
    go!


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Dinner for seven, as promised. Everything looks very
    nice. Deetzes are in control and in their element.
    The element is neurotic-chic.

    Some of the guests are affecting distaste for having
    had to make the long drive to Connecticut. There's a
    bitchy feud going on between GRACE, the "Art In Amer-
    ica" writer, and BERNARD, Delia's agent, that threatens
    to become a full-scale war.

    Otho is drunkish and engaged in his third favorite
    occupation -- direct attacks on the personal weaknesses
    of his friends. He's singled out his victim, BERYL,
    the editor for Ballantine, a frail-looking woman who is
    TB
    dressed "artistically."

    OTHO
    (to Beryl)
    Well, darling, you can only have a
    hysterectomy once, so why don't you
    tell us what you really went into
    the hospital for last week? Or dare
    I ask, is that a nose "nouveau?"

    CHARLES
    (privately; to
    Otho)
    Otho, you've got to help me get
    Maxie Dean up here. I have a deal
    that could make all of us very
    comfortable.

    OTHO
    He's a cloven-hooved beast!

    CHARLES
    He's your cousin.

    OTHO
    I am ashamed to say he is. Look,
    nothing short of giving away free
    sacks of money would get him up
    here, Charles. And Sarah? Forget
    it. You can't get her out of
    Bergdorf's with plastic explosives.
    (still on Beryl's
    case)
    I just hope it wasn't yet another of
    your dreary suicide attempts. You
    know what they say about people who
    who commit suicide. In the afterlife,
    they become civil servants.

    BERNARD
    Otho! I didn't know you were into
    the supernatural?

    OTHO
    Of course you remember! After my
    stint with the living theatre. I
    was one of New York City's leading
    paranormal researchers until the
    bottom dropped out of the business
    in '72.

    BERYL
    (sick to death of
    this blowhard)
    Paranormal... Is that what they're
    calling your kind now?

    Lydia watches Otho thoughtfully. Suddenly very cur-
    TB
    ious.

    Delia senses that Lydia might talk ghosts here.

    DELIA
    (a threat; quietly
    to Lydia)
    Don't you dare.

    LYDIA
    I saw some ghosts.

    All quiet.

    DELIA
    (interrupting)
    Lydia tried to play a most
    amusing joke on me this afternoon.

    LYDIA
    It wasn't a joke.

    DELIA
    Tried to convince me that this
    house is haunted. Kids. Kids.
    Kids! I love them.

    Otho's glance sharpens at this. Everyone else listens.

    GRACE
    By ghosts?

    LYDIA
    By what else?

    DELIA
    (laughing it away)
    In sheets yet. Designer sheets.
    They --

    Charles, seeing things aren't going well for Delia,
    proposes a toast.

    CHARLES
    I propose a toast to our intrepid
    friends. Who braved the
    expressway and fourteen toll
    booths to visit us. May your
    buildings go condo.

    All lift their wineglasses. All drink. All synchro-
    nously spit out their wine. All together now...

    EVERYONE
    Yechhh!

    Charles lifts the wine bottle from the cooler. Disgust
    spans the room.
    TB
    ON bottle -- it bears the familiar spread wings of
    Thunderbird!

    BERYL
    Thunderbird wine? My God, Delia,
    don't you even have a Safeway up
    here?

    DELIA
    (horrified; but
    recovering)
    Joke Joke! Charles get the good
    wine and I'll serve the shrimp.
    It's a joke.

    Delia stares a spike through Lydia. Delia and Charles
    rush into the kitchen. Otho looks at his glass and
    peers at Lydia.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the attic, Adam and Barbara plan to scare off the supernatural being Betelgeuse, while in the dining room, the Deetzes' dinner party is filled with tension and bickering guests. Lydia reveals she has seen ghosts, causing a stir among the guests, and Otho directs his attacks towards Beryl. The scene ends with the guests' continued arguing and Lydia's revelation.
    Strengths
    • Witty dialogue
    • Blend of genres
    • Character dynamics
    • Tension building
    Weaknesses
    • Limited emotional depth
    • Potential for confusion with multiple character interactions

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and supernatural elements to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that advances the plot and develops character dynamics.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare away the living residents of their home while navigating social interactions at a dinner party is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively introduces and explores the supernatural elements within a familiar setting.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances as the ghosts plan to scare away the living residents, setting up a conflict that will drive future events. The scene also reveals character motivations and relationships, adding depth to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to character dynamics, with authentic dialogue that captures the complexity of relationships and social interactions.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions during the dinner party. The scene sets up potential conflicts and alliances that will impact the story moving forward.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is potential for growth and development as the characters navigate the conflicts and challenges ahead.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal is to feel confident and in control, as she expresses her newfound abilities and determination to scare off unwanted guests. This reflects her desire for empowerment and agency in the situation.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to scare off unwanted guests from their home, reflecting the immediate challenge of dealing with difficult and uninvited visitors.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict between the ghosts and the living residents, as well as the tension within the dinner party guests, creates a sense of unease and anticipation. The scene sets up multiple conflicts that will drive the story forward.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters engaging in personal attacks, feuds, and conflicting beliefs, creating tension and uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the ghosts and the living residents come into conflict, with the outcome potentially determining the fate of the characters and their home. The tension at the dinner party adds to the high stakes.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events. The ghosts' plan to scare away the living residents adds momentum to the plot.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the dialogue, the shifting dynamics between characters, and the surprising revelations.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the belief in the supernatural and the skepticism of the guests towards ghosts. This challenges Lydia's belief in the paranormal and her desire to share her experiences with others.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    While the scene is more focused on humor and tension, there are moments of emotional depth, especially in the interactions between the characters. The stakes are raised as the ghosts plan their next move.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward. The banter between the characters reveals their relationships and motivations.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between characters, the tension in the dialogue, and the unfolding drama of the dinner party.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with action and tension, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue sequences.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural, and the characters don't come across as very believable.
    • The scene is very long and could be cut down to make it more concise and engaging.
    • The conflict between Adam and Barbara is not very clear, and it's hard to tell what they're arguing about.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and doesn't leave the reader with a sense of closure.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
    • Cut down the scene to make it more concise and engaging.
    • Clarify the conflict between Adam and Barbara.
    • Add a more satisfying ending to the scene.



    Scene 29 -  Surreal Dinner Party Disrupted by Singing and a Living Shrimp
    INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

    Delia rushes to get the sushi. Charles finds some
    good wine.

    DELIA
    (rapidly; furious)
    Lydia switched wines. Charles --
    if you do not agree right now, to
    boarding school, you can forget
    having what you call sex -- ever
    again in your natural lifetime.

    He nods reluctantly. She rushes back to guests.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Lydia is looking around curiously. Delia and Charles
    rush back in with sushi and good wine. Delia pours for
    Bernard, the obvious connoisseur. He tastes the wine.
    All wait. Is it Kerosene du Pape? He smiles. All
    smile.

    Otho is more interested in Lydia's story. He leans
    toward her...

    OTHO
    Now, Lydia... Favor us about your
    ghosts.

    DELIA
    No! Do not encourage this
    little... person.

    OTHO
    Oh, Delia, lighten up!
    TB DELIA
    She's been without therapy up here
    and I will not allow her to
    ruin...

    But then:


    DELIA

    Something comes over her -- she straightens, then
    crouches a little, her hand sweeps across in front of
    her, almost mechanically. And then our Delia Deetz,
    unable to help herself, leaves the whitebread world
    behind and possessed, sings in someone else's voice, a
    rich, NEGRO TENOR.

    DELIA
    "If I didn't care, More than
    words could say."

    Lydia's eyes widen. MUSIC UP. All the guests are
    spellbound.

    Charles, too, has the beat -- The Ink Spots in his eyes.
    In a voice not his own.

    CHARLES
    "If my every prayer, did not
    begin and end with just your
    name."

    Delia is shocked. She looks at Lydia.

    DELIA
    For God's sake, stop me...

    She is cut short by her powerful inspiration.

    DELIA
    "I could not be true to you
    beyond compare."


    ALL THE GUESTS

    except Lydia, are possessed to become the chorus. They
    stand by their chairs, they spin in perfect Motown
    choreography.

    EVERYONE
    (except Lydia)
    "Shoo doo wop. Shoo doo wop."

    DELIA
    "If I didn't care... for you..."
    TB "Shoo doo wop.
    EVERYONE
    Shoo doo wop."

    A look of sheer delight comes across Lydia's face,
    unlike anything we have previously seen. She dances
    and claps her hands in time with the music. She is in
    teen heaven.

    NOTE: Delia and the guests are fully aware of their
    singing/actions, but helpless to stop themselves. While
    it is funny, it is nevertheless just a little frighten-
    ing.

    Lydia excitedly looks around the room to see if she can
    see the ghosts. She can't.

    Now the song pauses... Everyone tries to recover for a
    shocked second. Instead, the tempo changes.

    As the tempo quickens, the guest/chorus is syncopated
    like alternating pistons as they are pushed and pulled
    into their chairs. They sing throughout.


    THE SONG

    crashes to its end. Bernard looks down at his shrimp
    cocktail. The shrimp draped over the rice roll
    suddenly rears up like a hand and, making a tiny fist,
    grabs his dangling tie and... smash --

    WIDER -- All the guests are punched by the shrimp, back
    over their chairs to the ground. They are stunned.
    Suddenly everyone runs frightened into the next room.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Musical"]

    Summary Delia and Charles prepare for a dinner party while discussing sending their daughter Lydia to boarding school. Tensions rise until Delia forcefully sings an Ink Spots song in a deep voice, causing the other guests to join in and perform Motown choreography. The scene takes a surreal turn when a shrimp from Bernard's cocktail comes to life and punches the guests, causing them to flee the room.
    Strengths
    • Unique concept
    • Humorous tone
    • Entertaining chaos
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of character development
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is highly entertaining, with a unique blend of genres and a humorous tone that keeps the audience engaged.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of guests being possessed to sing and dance during a dinner party is innovative and adds a comedic element to the scene.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around the possessed dinner party, adding a layer of chaos and humor to the overall story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene is highly original with its supernatural possession element, unexpected musical performance, and comedic shrimp punch twist. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters' reactions to being possessed add depth to their personalities and contribute to the comedic tone of the scene.

    Character Changes: 4

    There is minimal character development in this scene, as the focus is more on the comedic and chaotic elements.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Delia's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in front of her guests, despite being possessed by a powerful inspiration to sing. This reflects her need for control and fear of losing it.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to entertain and impress her guests with a musical performance. This reflects the immediate challenge of keeping the party lively and engaging.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 5

    The conflict in the scene is light-hearted and revolves around the chaos caused by the possession of the dinner party guests.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene comes from the supernatural forces that possess the characters, creating a small obstacle and adding a sense of unpredictability to the narrative.

    High Stakes: 4

    The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and chaos rather than serious consequences.

    Story Forward: 6

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of possession and setting up future conflicts with the Deetzes.

    Unpredictability: 9

    This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural possession element, unexpected musical performance, and comedic shrimp punch twist. The audience is kept on their toes wondering what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Delia's desire for control and the supernatural forces that possess her and the guests. It challenges her beliefs about reality and her ability to maintain composure.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits amusement and excitement from the audience, with a touch of confusion due to the unexpected events.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the confusion and amusement of the characters during the possessed dinner party.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, supernatural elements, and unexpected twists. The musical performance and shrimp punch twist keep the audience entertained and intrigued.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, delivering comedic moments, and keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It seems to be a series of disjointed events that do not contribute to the overall narrative or character development.
    • The dialogue is awkward and unnatural. The characters speak in a stilted and forced manner that is not believable.
    • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened and tightened to make it more impactful.
    • The use of music in the scene is ineffective. It does not add to the atmosphere or mood, and it is more distracting than anything else.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience hanging and without any sense of closure.
    Suggestions
    • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What information do you want to convey to the audience?
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that is consistent with their personalities and motivations.
    • Shorten and tighten the scene by removing any unnecessary dialogue or action. The scene should be as concise as possible while still conveying the necessary information.
    • Use music more effectively in the scene. The music should add to the atmosphere and mood, and it should not be distracting.
    • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. The audience should be left with a sense of closure and a desire to see what happens next.



    Scene 30 -  Chaos and Skepticism as Ghosts Fail to Reappear
    EXT./INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT

    Adam and Barbara with huge smiles on their faces, dance
    the bugaloo then hug and kiss on the landing in front
    of the attic. Door is open.

    TOGETHER
    We did it!

    ADAM
    Let's watch 'em scatter.

    They enter the attic and run to the window. Look out
    over the front yard.


    YARD OF HOUSE - THEIR POV - NIGHT

    filled with the cars of the guests, as well as Delia
    and Charles' vehicles.

    ADAM (O.S.)
    TB Any minute now.
    screaming.
    They'll all run



    BACK TO SCENE

    They wait. Nothing moving outside.

    BARBARA
    Your Ink Spots were wonderful!

    Adam smiles proudly.

    ADAM
    And your shrimp was remarkable.

    BARBARA
    My shrimp? I did the wine.
    Didn't you do the sushi?

    ADAM
    N... No, I just did the Ink Spots.

    BARBARA (V.O.)
    Who did the?

    Timid KNOCK at the door of the attic.

    Barbara glances at Adam. They don't know what to do.

    LYDIA
    (from outside the
    door)
    It's me. Lydia.

    Adam, puzzled, goes to the door and opens it. Lydia is
    standing there, sheepish.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    They'd like for you to come
    downstairs. Delia says you can
    pick any sheets you want.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    The guests are sitting expectantly. The photographs
    are being passed around. The wheels are turning in
    Charles' mind -- he sees a gold mine. Everyone speaks
    at once.

    DELIA
    It does indicate a marvelously
    urbane sense of humor on the part
    of these ghosts -- that they
    actually appear in sheets!
    TB OTHO
    We're dealing with Tracy and Hepburn
    here, a very sophisticated pair. We
    must protect them, treat them with
    respect. Nurture them.

    CHARLES
    People will pay big money for
    this. Right, Grace?

    GRACE
    (nodding)
    Charles, I want to know why you
    didn't tell me about this --

    DELIA
    (now changing her
    tune)
    We were waiting for proof.
    Lydia's photographs...

    Charles is scheming.

    BERNARD
    (skeptical)
    What are you all talking about?
    We... we just got a little drunk,
    that's all.

    OTHO
    No matter how drunk you get, you
    cannot sound like the Ink Spots.
    (to Charles)
    Charles, this is it! You can get
    Maxie Dean up here now.

    Charles plots and plans.

    OTHO
    His wife Sarah loves the
    supernatural. I did a reading for
    her just last week. Told her her
    jowls would tighten soon. I mean
    she will make him sprint up here in
    his helicopter if you can produce
    ghosts for her.

    BERYL
    The "Enquirer" has offered fifty
    thousand dollars for absolute
    proof of life after death. I'll
    send them over.

    BERNARD
    I'm Delia's agent! I've lost
    money for years on her work. If
    anything actually happened here,
    I'll handle it, thank you. But
    TB not until I see some real proof.

    Lydia appears at the base of the stairs. Everyone
    stops squabbling, looks at her expectantly.

    LYDIA
    They don't want to come down.

    OTHO
    Why not?

    Bernard shakes his head as if all this were an elaborate
    hoax. He harumphs!

    LYDIA
    I think the reason is they were
    trying to scare you, and you
    didn't get scared --

    DELIA
    Of course we weren't scared.
    (looking around)
    Just a little startled. One of
    those shrimp dropped down my
    Kamali.

    Bernard is now convinced this whole business was a put-
    on.

    BERNARD
    (shaking his head)
    Total collective hallucination.

    BERYL
    I was a little tipsie.

    DELIA
    This was not a hallucination,
    people. This was real, really
    totally real.

    GRACE
    Of course, they were rather
    spectacular effects -- for
    Connecticut, I mean.

    OTHO
    All presences have a home space. A
    place where they live, so to speak.
    Where do they hide out?

    LYDIA
    (reluctantly)
    The attic.

    CHARLES
    The attic room is locked --
    TB LYDIA
    They're ghosts. They do what they
    want.

    OTHO
    Fabulous! Otho Fenlock's "Locked
    Door" ghosts! Probably committed
    suicide up there -- hanging like
    beeves from the rafters. I'm
    totally enchanted.

    Bernard gathers Grace and Beryl and walks out the door.

    BERNARD
    Delia, you are a flake. You have
    always been a flake. I'm packing
    up and going back to the tricks of
    the city. That I can manage. If
    you must frighten people, do it
    with your sculpture.

    They exit. Delia is horrified and embarrassed.

    DELIA
    Wait! I'm going to get to the
    bottom of this! Lydia, is this
    some high-tech trick of yours? I
    want you to take us up there tout
    sweet!
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara, excited about their successful ghost act, watch from the attic for the guests' reactions which are arguments about the authenticity of the ghosts. Lydia invites them to choose any sheets while Bernard, Delia's agent, is convinced it was a hoax. The scene ends with Bernard leaving the house with Grace and Beryl, convinced it was a sham.
    Strengths
    • Humorous dialogue
    • Unique concept of ghosts interacting with the living
    • Engaging conflict between characters
    Weaknesses
    • Some confusion in the interactions between the characters
    • Lack of significant character development in this scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up an intriguing conflict between the ghosts and the living characters. The mix of genres and the introduction of the supernatural elements make it entertaining and captivating.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare away the new residents of their home is unique and sets up an interesting premise for the rest of the story. The scene introduces the supernatural elements in a comedic way, blending fantasy with real-world interactions.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the ghosts Adam and Barbara attempt to scare the living characters during the dinner party. The introduction of the conflict between the ghosts and the living residents adds tension and sets up future events in the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the supernatural genre by blending humor and mystery in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, especially Adam and Barbara, are well-defined and their interactions with the living characters provide humor and depth to the scene. Lydia's curiosity and Delia's skepticism add layers to the dynamics between the living and the supernatural beings.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal more about their personalities and motivations, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the situation with the guests and maintain the illusion of being ghosts. This reflects their desire to protect their home and identity while also enjoying the attention and admiration of the guests.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince the guests that they are ghosts and maintain the intrigue surrounding their presence. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the guests' expectations and reactions.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily between the ghosts and the living characters as they navigate their interactions during the dinner party. The tension adds to the comedic and mysterious elements of the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations among the characters. The uncertainty of how the guests will react adds tension and intrigue to the story.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are moderately high as the ghosts try to scare away the new residents of their home, potentially impacting their afterlife and future interactions with the living characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between the ghosts and the living characters, setting up future events and developments in the plot. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of intrigue to the storyline.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters and the shifting dynamics between the guests and the ghosts. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will develop.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between skepticism and belief in the supernatural. The guests are divided in their reactions, with some seeing the ghosts as a potential opportunity and others dismissing the experience as a hoax.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including excitement, curiosity, and confusion, as the characters navigate the supernatural elements and the comedic interactions between the living and the dead.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters. The banter between the living and the ghosts adds to the comedic tone of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the unfolding mystery surrounding the ghosts. The audience is drawn into the story and eager to see how the situation will unfold.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper transitions between locations and character actions. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It maintains a good pace and keeps the audience engaged.


    Critique
    • The scene is long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
    • The dialogue is repetitive and could be streamlined to make it more engaging.
    • The characters' motivations are not clear, which makes it difficult to connect with them or understand their actions.
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose or goal, which makes it difficult to follow and leaves the reader feeling disoriented.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with more questions than answers.
    Suggestions
    • Cut down on unnecessary dialogue and trim the scene to its essential elements.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and to better reflect the characters' personalities.
    • Clarify the characters' motivations by giving them clear goals and obstacles.
    • Add a clear purpose or goal to the scene, so that the reader knows what the characters are trying to achieve.
    • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a sense of closure and resolution, while still leaving some room for mystery and anticipation.



    Scene 31 -  Confrontation in the Attic
    INT. LANDING OUTSIDE OF ATTIC

    Delia, Charles, Otho and Lydia -- creep, creep.

    DELIA
    (whispering)
    Shhh. They're in there? God,
    they live like animals. This is
    where they've been hiding out?

    Lydia nods. Delia suddenly, brashly pounds on the
    door.

    DELIA
    (shouting)
    All right, you dead people! Come
    on out, or we'll break down this
    door and drag you out on the ropes
    you hanged yourself with!

    LYDIA
    Shhhh. They didn't commit
    suicide.

    DELIA
    It doesn't matter.
    What matters is I've got a roomful
    TB of guests down there, who think
    I'm a fraud.
    (to Lydia)
    I am going to teach you something
    here Lydia. You've got to take
    the right tone in things like
    this, or people -- whether they're
    dead or alive -- people will walk
    all over you.
    (loud)
    Come on out, or I will make death
    so miserable that you will wish
    you had never lived!

    Delia pounds on door, which opens with an eerie CREAK.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Lydia is pushed in first. She looks around. Delia,
    Charles and Otho come in next, carefully. One by one
    they straighten up and look around.

    DELIA
    (whisper)
    So where are they, Lydia?

    Lydia shrugs, looks around.

    CHARLES
    (off-handedly)
    Answer your mother.

    LYDIA
    Listen, you guys. These ghosts
    are really nice people. I think
    we scared them off. Let's just
    leave them alone. Okay?

    Charles is suddenly transfixed. He stares at the
    model.

    CHARLES
    It's the whole damn town.

    They gather around. Lydia is a little sad as she looks
    at the empty room and the model.

    OTHO
    Look at that detail!

    DELIA
    Look at the tiny figures.

    CHARLES
    Look at all that parking!

    LYDIA
    TB Come on. Leave their stuff alone.

    OTHO
    They're not here, Lydia?

    She shakes her head. Otho spots the handbook. Palms
    it.

    DELIA
    I have never been so
    embarrassed... They haven't gone
    for good, have they?

    Delia is suddenly out the door, urging them all outside.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    Everyone out of there. If they're
    in there somewhere, I don't want
    to scare them away. Come on now,
    stay out of there. We've got work
    to do.

    Otho pockets the handbook secretly as everyone exits.
    Delia carefully closes the door.


    CAMERA EASES OVER TO THE WINDOW

    We see two pairs of hands, white-knuckled, gripping the
    window sill from the outside.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Horror"]

    Summary Delia, Charles, Otho, and Lydia enter the attic and discover a model of their town, along with two ghosts outside the window. Delia demands the ghosts come out, causing them to flee. A conflict arises between Delia and Lydia, as Delia wants to assert her authority over the ghosts and Lydia wants to respect their wishes. The scene takes place during the day and the tone is tense and confrontational.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Humorous interactions
    • Unique supernatural elements
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Slow plot progression
    • Low emotional impact

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines humor, suspense, and curiosity to create an engaging and entertaining atmosphere. The interactions between the living characters and the ghosts add depth to the story and keep the audience intrigued.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene, which involves the living characters discovering the ghosts in the attic and interacting with them, is well-executed and adds an interesting layer to the overall story. The introduction of the handbook and the model town further enhances the supernatural elements of the scene.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene focuses on the living characters' discovery of the ghosts in the attic and their interactions with them. While the plot moves the story forward and introduces new elements, such as the handbook and the model town, it lacks significant development in terms of conflict and character growth.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on ghostly encounters with a focus on empathy and respect for the supernatural beings. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters in the scene, both living and supernatural, are well-defined and each has distinct personalities. However, there is limited character development in this particular scene, with most of the focus on the interactions between the characters.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is minimal character change in this scene, with most of the focus on the interactions between the characters and the supernatural elements. The living characters show some growth in their understanding of the ghosts, but there is limited development overall.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to protect the ghosts and maintain their privacy. This reflects her empathy and compassion for the supernatural beings.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to find the ghosts and interact with them. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving her credibility to her guests.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the living characters' discovery of the ghosts in the attic and their interactions with them. While there is tension and suspense, the conflict is not fully realized or resolved in this scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters' beliefs and actions. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

    High Stakes: 5

    The stakes in the scene are relatively low, with the primary focus on the living characters' discovery of the ghosts in the attic and their interactions with them. While there is tension and suspense, the stakes are not particularly high or impactful.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the handbook, the model town, and the interactions between the characters. However, the progression of the plot is somewhat slow and lacks significant development in terms of conflict and resolution.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters and the twist in the ghosts' whereabouts. The audience is kept on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict is between respecting the privacy and rights of the ghosts versus exploiting them for personal gain. This challenges Lydia's values of empathy and integrity.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension, humor, and curiosity. However, the emotional depth is limited by the focus on the interactions between the characters and the supernatural elements.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is engaging and helps to establish the personalities of the characters. The interactions between the living characters and the ghosts are witty and humorous, adding to the overall tone of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, mystery, and character dynamics. The interactions between the characters and the supernatural elements keep the audience intrigued.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and progressing the plot. It keeps the audience engaged and interested.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, character interactions, and a resolution. It fits the expected format for a supernatural comedy genre.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Delia, Charles, Otho, and Lydia creeping up to the attic door, yet it ends with two pairs of hands gripping the window sill from the outside. This is confusing and disorienting for the reader.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. For example, Delia's line, "I have never been so embarrassed... They haven't gone for good, have they?" is awkward and unclear.
    • The characters are one-dimensional and their motivations are unclear. For example, why is Delia so desperate to find the ghosts? What does she hope to gain from them?
    • The scene lacks tension and suspense. The reader is not invested in the characters or their goals.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The reader is left with more questions than answers.
    Suggestions
    • Rewrite the beginning of the scene to make it clear that the characters are outside the attic door.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
    • Develop the characters and their motivations more fully.
    • Add tension and suspense to the scene by building up to a climax.
    • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving some of the questions that have been raised.



    Scene 32 -  Betelgeuse Saves the Day
    EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

    Barbara and Adam are hanging outside the window.
    CAMERA EASES BACK to see that instead of hanging from
    the house --

    They are hanging from a ledge over The Inferno --


    ON INFERNO

    circles of rosy hell. Several devilish Monsters slaver
    up at them, hoping for new meat for the furnace. Small
    geysers spurt foul gasses.


    WINDS

    BLOW hard on Adam and Barbara. They struggle to hold
    on and pull themselves back up and into the window.

    ADAM
    Juno, help! Juno!

    After nearly falling, Adam barely saves Barbara and
    TB
    they finally make it up, and disappear into the window.


    INT. ATTIC LANDING - NIGHT

    Delia, Charles and Otho all start down the stairs, one
    by one. All are holding the handrail.

    DELIA
    Lydia, I will never forgive you
    for embarrassing me in front of my
    social inferiors. You help us
    with these ghosts or you'll be
    sorry.

    LYDIA
    I'm sorry already.

    CHARLES
    (fixing on Otho)
    Now, let's get back to business. I
    I want to get Maxie Dean and Sarah
    up here immediately. I can make
    history here! I'm going to turn
    this sleepy little backward town
    into a leading supernatural
    research center... and amusement
    park.

    LYDIA
    (disgusted)
    I cannot believe this.

    CHARLES
    Delia will cook...

    Delia glares at him.

    CHARLES
    (continuing)
    I'll bring the wine... and the
    business plan. And Lydia --
    you'll bring the ghosts.

    LYDIA
    (frustrated)
    I can't bring the ghosts. They're
    not here!

    CHARLES
    ... Otho, could you actually... do
    something with them?

    OTHO
    (pats the handbook
    under his coat)
    Perhaps... if I were properly
    motivated...
    TB LYDIA
    That's slavery and murder. You
    don't know them. They're nice
    people!

    POV -- down the handrail, as they walk downstairs.
    Lydia lags behind, sullen.


    LOWER END OF THE HANDRAIL

    lifts, and turns. The handrail has become a long, fat,
    diamond-backed snake -- unlike any we have ever seen.
    It flashes terrifying steel teeth and a red-feathered
    comb. It turns and HISSES at them.


    ON DELIA

    She screams as she looks down at her hand on the rail
    -- it grips the scaly, throbbing, dripping body of the
    snake.


    THE SNAKE

    just gets longer and nastier as it turns back in the
    air, up the stairs toward them. Its tail circles Delia
    and spins her like a top. When she stops -- the snake
    gives her a big wet snake kiss.


    SNAKE

    snaps Otho in the behind. It hurts.


    THE SNAKE

    rears up and spreads a red-comb and HISSES loudly.


    ALL THREE

    of them fall over each other trying to escape.


    THE SNAKE

    hovers horribly over them. Grabs Charles in its coils
    and squeezes him hard -- his fearful face reddens, then
    it suspends Charles over the edge of the stairs.

    SNAKE
    We've come for your daughter,
    Chuck!
    TB
    HE

    leers at Lydia and drops Charles like a rock over the
    bannister. Charles screams.


    THE SNAKE

    Grins at a terrified Lydia.


    SNAKE

    rears back for a strike, when suddenly, like thunder.
    One word is heard.

    BARBARA
    Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse!
    Betelgeuse!


    THE SNAKE

    looks up with familiar eyes. At top of stairs stands
    an angry Barbara.

    What happens next is almost too fast for the eye to
    see.


    THE SNAKE

    shrinks and turns back into the regular mahogany hand-
    rail.


    BETELGEUSE

    or his outline, whips up the stairs, through the door,
    and is gone like a rocket.

    BETELGEUSE
    RRRatt shit!


    OTHO AND DELIA

    rush downstairs -- Lydia is terrified. She runs away.

    LYDIA
    I hate you! I thought you were my
    friends.

    BARBARA
    No, wait!

    Lydia screams and runs down the stairs.
    TB LYDIA
    (screams)
    I hate all of you!

    Slowly, Barbara returns to the attic.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Barbara and Adam struggle to hold on outside a house's window ledge over the Inferno, surrounded by devilish monsters. Inside, Delia, Charles, and Otho discuss using the ghosts for their benefit while Lydia is uncooperative. A snake attacks them, causing fear, but Barbara shouts 'Betelgeuse', turning the snake back into a handrail and making Betelgeuse disappear.
    Strengths
    • Innovative supernatural elements
    • Engaging conflict
    • Blend of genres
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue may be confusing for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, filled with tension, humor, and unexpected twists. It effectively blends different genres and keeps the audience intrigued.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of supernatural beings, haunting, and the return of Betelgeuse is well-executed. The scene introduces unique elements like the snake-like handrail and demonic entities, adding depth to the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events leading to a climactic moment with the return of Betelgeuse. The conflict between the characters and the supernatural elements adds depth to the storyline.

    Originality: 9

    The scene is original in its portrayal of supernatural creatures and the protagonist's interactions with them. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and fresh, adding depth to the characters and the world they inhabit.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters are distinct and engaging, each contributing to the scene's dynamics. Their interactions and reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the story.

    Character Changes: 6

    While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the supernatural events reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their loved ones and navigate the dangerous supernatural world they find themselves in. This reflects their deeper need for safety, security, and a sense of belonging.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat the supernatural threats and save their family from harm. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the supernatural world.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between the characters, the supernatural entities, and the high stakes of the situation create a tense and suspenseful atmosphere. The scene is filled with escalating conflicts that keep the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural threats and internal conflicts that add depth to the narrative. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome the challenges.

    High Stakes: 9

    The high stakes of the scene involve the characters' safety, the return of a malevolent entity, and the consequences of meddling with the supernatural. The characters' lives are in danger, adding urgency to the situation.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating tensions, and setting up future events. The return of Betelgeuse changes the dynamics of the story.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns, unexpected character actions, and supernatural elements that keep the audience guessing.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the characters' desire for power and control over the supernatural forces, and the protagonist's belief in the inherent goodness of the supernatural beings. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes fear, excitement, and tension in the audience. The characters' emotional reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the scene.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It adds humor and tension to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, humor, and action. The fast-paced events and witty dialogue keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and the outcome of the supernatural conflict.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.


    Critique
    • The scene starts strong with Adam and Barbara hanging from the ledge over the Inferno, creating a sense of danger and excitement.
    • However, the transition to the attic landing is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear why or how they got there, and the dialogue between Delia, Charles, and Otho feels disjointed from the previous action.
    • The introduction of the snake as a handrail is a creative and surprising twist, but it's not well-developed. It's not clear what the snake's motivations are or why it's attacking the characters.
    • The scene ends abruptly with Barbara shouting Betelgeuse's name and the snake turning back into a handrail. This is a weak and anticlimactic way to end the scene, and it leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.
    • Overall, the scene has potential but needs to be reworked to improve the pacing, clarity, and character development.
    Suggestions
    • Consider starting the scene with a brief flashback or transition to show how Adam and Barbara got from the ledge to the attic landing.
    • Expand on the dialogue between Delia, Charles, and Otho to give them more depth and motivation.
    • Develop the snake character more by giving it a backstory and clearer motivations. Consider having it interact with the characters in a more meaningful way.
    • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. Consider having Barbara use her powers to defeat the snake or having the snake reveal some important information before it disappears.
    • Consider adding more humor to the scene to balance out the darker elements.



    Scene 33 -  Confrontation in the Attic: Barbara vs Betelgeuse
    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    Adam and Barbara are exhausted. Agitated.

    ADAM
    Great choice we've got here. We
    get to spend the next century
    either hanging out that window or
    doing parlor tricks.

    Adam is working with the model town. Barbara is pac-
    ing.

    ADAM
    Maybe they'll leave now. That
    snake was a pretty nasty customer.

    BARBARA
    He might have hurt somebody.

    ADAM
    But he didn't. We've got him
    where we want him.


    ON THE MODEL

    A column of water shoots high in the air.

    Adam rushes over to the model -- looks down.


    INT. MODEL - DAY

    Betelgeuse has run a beat-up old pickup into a fire
    hydrant. He stands nearby, hopping mad; shakes his
    fist at Adam.

    BETELGEUSE
    You pansy-assed cretins! How dare
    you do that to me. I coulda
    finished the job!


    IN THE ATTIC

    Barbara and Adam, obviously disturbed, look at one
    another with concern.

    BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
    TB (thin and pip-
    ing voice)
    Why did you stop me?

    BARBARA
    I don't like Charles Deetz
    particularly, but you could have
    killed him.

    BETELGEUSE
    Hey, I've been bottled up for six
    hundred years. Every dog has his
    day. This is my town. I need a
    night to howl.

    ADAM
    This is my town.

    BETELGEUSE
    You wish! I nearly scored with
    that little blonde. I need me a
    short little queen.


    ANGLE

    Angry, Barbara reaches down into the model and plucks
    Betelgeuse up.

    Barbara lifts him up toward her, squeezing him
    slightly.

    BARBARA
    You leave her alone, you horrid
    little prick!


    CLOSEUP - BETELGEUSE IN BARBARA'S HAND

    Betelgeuse grins. Suddenly large spikes shoot out all
    over his body, piercing the skin of Barbara's palm and
    fingers. Barbara's blood is a rich pink.

    She squeals and releases the evil spirit and he plum-
    mets.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary Adam and Barbara, feeling exhausted and agitated, discuss their situation in the attic. The intruder, Betelgeuse, who has been turned into a small spirit and is trapped in a model of the town, is angry about it. He has run a pickup into a fire hydrant and is hopping mad. When Barbara stops him from causing more damage, he threatens Lydia. In response, Barbara picks him up and squeezes him, causing him to grow spikes that pierce her skin. She releases him and he plummets, with the scene ending in tension.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Dynamic character interactions
    • Intriguing conflict resolution
    Weaknesses
    • Slightly predictable plot progression
    • Limited emotional depth

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is highly engaging, with a good balance of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new dimension to the story and keeps the audience intrigued.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of bringing back the character Betelgeuse and the ensuing conflict adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively introduces new elements while building on existing plot points.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances significantly with the introduction of Betelgeuse and the new conflict that arises. The scene sets up future events and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the supernatural genre with its unique characters and darkly comedic tone. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters, especially Betelgeuse, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward. Each character's motivations and personalities are clearly portrayed.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters, particularly Barbara and Adam, face new challenges and make decisions that impact the plot. Betelgeuse's return changes the dynamics and sets up future character development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their town and loved ones from the evil spirit, Betelgeuse. This reflects their deeper desire for safety and security.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront and defeat Betelgeuse to prevent harm to themselves and others.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between the characters, especially with the introduction of Betelgeuse, is intense and drives the scene forward. The power dynamics and manipulation add layers of tension.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Betelgeuse posing a significant threat to the protagonists and creating uncertainty for the audience.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are raised with the return of Betelgeuse and the new conflicts that arise. The characters face challenges that could have serious consequences for their goals.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting up future events. It keeps the audience invested in the narrative.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, as well as the supernatural elements.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between good and evil, as represented by the characters of Adam and Barbara against Betelgeuse. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in protecting their town and loved ones.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to amusement, keeping the audience engaged. The stakes are raised, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty and sharp, reflecting the characters' personalities and the tone of the scene. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the humor and tension.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters, the supernatural elements, and the darkly comedic tone.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the conflict unfolds.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and progression of conflict.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Adam and Barbara expressing their exhaustion and agitation, but it's unclear what has caused these feelings. The reader is left to guess that it's related to the events of the previous scene, but it would be helpful to provide a clearer context or reference to the previous scene to establish the emotional state of the characters.
    • The dialogue between Adam and Barbara is somewhat repetitive and doesn't provide much insight into their characters or motivations. They both express a desire to get rid of the intruders, but it's not clear why they're so desperate or what they plan to do about it.
    • The introduction of Betelgeuse feels a bit abrupt and out of place. It's not clear why he's suddenly appearing in the model town or what his motivations are. The scene would benefit from a smoother transition and a clearer explanation of Betelgeuse's role in the story.
    • The conflict between Barbara and Betelgeuse is somewhat one-sided, with Barbara expressing her anger and disgust towards him while Betelgeuse remains largely unresponsive. It would be more engaging if Betelgeuse had a stronger presence in the scene and provided a more challenging adversary for Barbara.
    • The scene ends with Barbara releasing Betelgeuse and him plummeting, but it's not clear what the consequences of this action will be or how it will affect the plot. The scene would benefit from a stronger sense of resolution or a hint of what's to come.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding a brief recap or reference to the previous scene to provide context for Adam and Barbara's emotional state.
    • Expand on the dialogue between Adam and Barbara to reveal their motivations and plans for dealing with the intruders. This will help the reader understand their characters and the stakes of the situation.
    • Provide a clearer introduction to Betelgeuse, explaining his motivations and how he fits into the story. This will help the reader understand his role and make his appearance less abrupt.
    • Develop Betelgeuse's character and give him a more active role in the scene. Allow him to interact with Barbara on a more equal footing, providing a more challenging conflict.
    • Consider adding a stronger sense of resolution to the scene. This could involve revealing the consequences of Barbara's actions or providing a hint of what's to come in the plot.



    Scene 34 -  Betelgeuse Wreaks Havoc, Juno's Anger Erupts, and Football Players Interrupt
    EXT. MODEL - DAY

    Betelgeuse lands on the town common. Betelgeuse is
    defiant.

    BETELGEUSE
    Go ahead. Make my millenium!


    ANGLE
    TB
    We hear the tinny strains of "Honky Tonk Angel" as if
    from down the street. He turns around to follow it.

    BETELGEUSE
    This burg got a cathouse? I'm
    getting anxious if you know what I
    mean. Six hundred years and all.

    He turns the corner to a whorehouse, with women --
    women with demon horns -- hanging out of the window,
    beckoning. Betelgeuse rubs his hands together and
    swaggers inside.


    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Barbara aghast, watching this from above.

    BARBARA
    Adam! Why did you build a whore
    house? Have you ever been to...?

    ADAM
    I didn't --


    ANGLE

    He doesn't finish -- a strong WIND blows through the
    attic, nearly knocking Barbara and Adam over. They
    close their eyes against the gale.

    When they open their eyes again, they're no longer in
    the attic. They're in --


    INT. JUNO'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY

    A cubicle in a much larger office. Miss Argentina
    swishes by.

    RECEPTIONIST
    God, you have got her steaming
    now.

    She exits. There are other special workers. The place
    is really, really busy. Adam and Barbara sit down to
    wait. Juno storms through with a sheaf of papers. She
    sees them. She is steaming mad.

    JUNO
    The whorehouse was my idea. I
    want Betelgeuse out of the
    picture! We've got some serious
    talking to do.

    BARBARA
    About what?
    TB JUNO
    You people have really screwed
    up! I received word that you
    allowed yourselves to be
    photographed. And you let
    Betelgeuse out and didn't put him
    back, and you let Otho get ahold
    of the handbook.

    ADAM
    Handbook? When...?

    JUNO
    (continuing tirade)
    Never trust the living! We cannot
    have a routine haunting like yours
    provide incontrovertible visual
    proof of existence beyond death.

    ADAM
    Well, we didn't know --


    A BUNCH OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS

    follow Juno like hungry dogs.

    DUMB #1
    Hey, Coach, where's the men's
    room?

    JUNO
    (frustrated)
    I'm not your coach. He survived.

    DUMB #2
    You don't need a men's room.
    You're not no man no more. But
    Coach, let me get this -- What's
    our curfew over here?

    They start squabbling. Juno has to wrangle them into
    another room.

    JUNO
    (frustrated)
    I'll be right back.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In this tense and chaotic scene, Betelgeuse enters a whorehouse in a model town's common, while Barbara and Adam are shocked and confused. Meanwhile, Juno expresses her anger towards Barbara and Adam for allowing Betelgeuse to roam freely, causing chaos. The conflict is not resolved as Juno leaves the room to deal with a group of football players. The scene ends with Juno intending to return and discuss the matter further with Barbara and Adam.
    Strengths
    • Creative concept
    • Humorous dialogue
    • Engaging conflict
    Weaknesses
    • Slightly chaotic pacing
    • Some elements may be confusing for viewers

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, supernatural elements, and tension to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts interacting with the living, the supernatural being Betelgeuse, and the idea of a model town as a portal all contribute to the scene's creativity and intrigue.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Betelgeuse returns and causes chaos, leading to a confrontation between the living and the dead. The scene sets up further conflict and developments in the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the ghostly office setting, demon horns on women, and the consequences of being photographed in the afterlife.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters, especially Betelgeuse, Adam, Barbara, and Juno, are well-defined and their interactions add depth and humor to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions.

    Character Changes: 7

    Barbara undergoes a moment of assertiveness and confrontation with Betelgeuse, showing her strength and determination. Betelgeuse's return also marks a change in the dynamics between the characters.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal is to understand and navigate the rules of the afterlife, as they are confronted with the consequences of their actions and the impact on their existence beyond death.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to rectify the mistakes they have made in the afterlife and prevent further chaos from unfolding.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both between the characters and in the supernatural elements at play. Betelgeuse's return creates tension and chaos, leading to confrontations and challenges for the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions and decisions.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high as Betelgeuse's return threatens the balance between the living and the dead, leading to chaos and potential consequences for the characters involved.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing Betelgeuse's return, setting up further conflicts and developments, and escalating the stakes for the characters.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the afterlife rules and consequences faced by the characters.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict revolves around the consequences of actions in the afterlife and the importance of following the rules to maintain order and balance.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    While the scene is more focused on humor and tension, there are moments of emotional impact, especially in Barbara's confrontation with Betelgeuse and the stakes involved in dealing with the supernatural being.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It adds to the comedic tone of the scene and enhances the interactions between the characters.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, supernatural elements, and escalating conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting adheres to the expected standards for screenplay format, enhancing readability and clarity.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, maintaining the expected format for its genre.


    Critique
    • The scene is missing action and/or dialogue for much of the first half, as the characters are mostly watching things happen rather than actively participating.
    • The dialogue is a bit dry and exposition-heavy in places, and could use some more natural-sounding language.
    • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or character development in any significant way, and feels more like a filler scene.
    • The scene could be more visually interesting, with more description of the setting and the characters' actions.
    Suggestions
    • Add more action or dialogue to the first half of the scene, to keep the pace moving.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less exposition-heavy.
    • Consider cutting some of the less important details from the scene, to make it more streamlined.
    • Add more description of the setting and the characters' actions, to make the scene more visually interesting.



    Scene 35 -  Lydia's Search for the Maitlands and Betelgeuse's Attempted Release
    INT. KITCHEN - DAY

    Charles sits at the table with a small bandage on his
    head. Delia takes off her Gucci belt and whips it on a
    chair absent-mindedly.

    DELIA
    I feel like we've been at war,
    TB Charles.

    CHARLES
    At least insofar as we have our
    first casualty. Me.

    DELIA
    Otho'll know what to do.

    CHARLES
    What's he going to do? Viciously
    rearrange their environment?

    DELIA
    Otho knows just as much about the
    supernatural as he knows about
    interior design.

    CHARLES
    Let's hope he knows how to produce
    those damn ghosts for Max and
    Sarah... Because I've bought
    options on property all over town.
    I need Max's financing...

    DELIA
    Just don't tell Lydia.

    CHARLES
    Why not?

    DELIA
    I think she's in with them.

    DISSOLVE TO:


    INT. LYDIA'S BEDROOM - DAY

    It's dark. The bedroom curtains have been closed.
    DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC builds throughout.

    Lydia melodramatically dressed in a long black dress
    appears carrying a candle. She is softly crying.

    She sits at her dressing table, the candlelight shows
    her writing paper. She begins a very dramatic letter.

    LYDIA
    I am alone.

    She looks at it and crumpling the paper, starts again.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    I am utterly... alone. You have
    sealed my fate with your betrayal.
    I can no longer stand to be used
    TB like a puppet between two
    deceitful worlds. By the time you
    read this, I will be gone, having
    jumped off...

    She scratches that out.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    ... having plummeted off the
    Winter River Bridge. Then you
    will know that I am no longer a
    toy in your petty feuds. Goodbye,
    Lydia.

    A tear falls on the paper as she folds it and puts it
    in an envelope. OPERA MUSIC BUILDS AND CONTINUES.


    INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

    Lydia slowly makes a copy of the suicide note. The
    green of the Xerox light falls eerily on her sad face.


    INT. HALLWAY - DAY

    Lydia at bottom of attic stairs.


    LYDIA'S POV - STAIRS AND DOOR AT TOP

    They look ominous. She starts upward.


    INT. ATTIC ROOM - DAY

    The door opens and Lydia peers in.

    The room is empty. Lydia comes inside.

    LYDIA
    Are you here?

    She hears SOMETHING. Looks all around the room.
    Nothing.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? I've come
    for the last time?
    (laying note on
    table)
    Where are you? Barb...

    BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
    They're dead.
    TB
    Lydia looks around, then peers into model.

    BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
    (continuing)
    Think small. I'm talking to you.


    EXT. MODEL TOWN - BUILDING ROOF - DAY

    A tiny Betelgeuse on the roof of a building, wearing a
    silk dressing gown, looking like he just dragged him-
    self out of bed. One of the horned whores is nude,
    sunbathing in the corner, and Betelgeuse drapes a
    blanket over her. Lydia's face looms enormous in the
    sky.

    BETELGEUSE
    Cookie, they are dead, dead,
    deadski.

    LYDIA
    Of course they're dead. They're
    ghosts.

    BETELGEUSE
    No, I mean they've gone.
    Decamped. Split. Vanished.

    LYDIA
    Where'd they go?

    BETELGEUSE
    The happy hunting ground. Who
    cares?

    LYDIA
    Are you a spirit too?

    BETELGEUSE
    Sort of. High spirit. Heh heh.
    Listen, cookie, I've been trapped
    in this burg for hundreds of
    years. All I want is to get out.

    LYDIA
    I want to get in.

    BETELGEUSE
    You do? Over here? On my side?

    LYDIA
    I think so.

    BETELGEUSE
    (scheming quickly)
    Well, yes, of course. It's great
    over here. You'll meet all the
    greats. James Dean. Sid
    TB Vicious...

    LYDIA
    Well, it can't be any worse than
    my life here.

    BETELGEUSE
    (sinister, encouraging
    her)
    That's right. They treat you like
    scum, I bet?

    LYDIA
    Yeah.

    BETELGEUSE
    I can't help you from this side,
    but here's how we do it. So
    simple. Say my name three
    times. That's all. I'll be all
    yours. Then I'll bring you over
    here in style.

    LYDIA
    I... I don't know what your name is.

    BETELGEUSE
    Minor problem. The rules. I
    can't tell it to you. But.. do
    you know how to play charades?

    LYDIA
    Yes.

    BETELGEUSE
    Of course you do.

    He holds up two fingers in a V.

    LYDIA
    Two words.

    Betelgeuse holds up one finger.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    First word.

    Betelgeuse puts two fingers on his arm.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    Three syllables.

    BETELGEUSE
    No, dummy. Two.

    LYDIA
    TB Your fingers are so small I can't
    see them. First word -- two
    syllables.

    He points behind her.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    I don't know what that signal
    means.

    BETELGEUSE
    It means look behind you, bimbo.


    ANGLE

    Lydia looks behind her. A greet beetle the size of a
    Volkswagen is crouching. Its feathery antennae reach
    out toward her menacingly. Lydia yelps.

    LYDIA
    Beetle!

    BETELGEUSE
    Good girrrl!

    POP! The beetle disappears. Betelgeuse holds up two
    fingers.

    LYDIA
    (still shaken)
    Second word. Be careful.


    ANGLE

    Apprehensive, she jumps when a simple carton of orange
    juice materializes. Orange juice pours out into a
    ghostly glass.

    LYDIA
    Breakfast? Orange?

    The orange juice disappears. He shakes his head.

    LYDIA
    Breakfast beetle? Beetle? Beetle
    fruit? Fruit bat? Fruit Battle?
    Volkswagen? Fruit wagon?

    BETELGEUSE
    Good thing you are a beautiful
    kid. You are dumb!

    Betelgeuse does the signal for "Now Put Them Together."

    LYDIA
    TB I am not! Beetle... Juice?

    BETELGEUSE
    (jumping with delight)
    That's it!

    LYDIA
    Your name is Beetle Juice? Yecch!
    That's as bad as Deeelia Deeetz.

    BETELGEUSE
    It's spelled different, but
    basically... Now you said it
    twice, just one more time. And
    I'll be free.
    (sinister)
    And then you'll be free.

    Lydia, puzzled, gets the magnifying glass and peers at
    him.


    ON HIS UGLY FACE BIG IN THE GLASS

    Betelgeuse jumps in the air, his robe parts -- we don't
    see anything, but maybe Lydia does.

    LYDIA
    God, you're anatomically correct!

    BETELGEUSE
    Just say it.

    LYDIA
    (recognizing something
    about him)
    You were the snake! Right? I
    know. It was you.

    BETELGEUSE
    You've got to say it!

    LYDIA
    No I don't. I don't take orders
    from Smurfs.

    BETELGEUSE
    How'd you like to be married to...
    the King...?

    Lydia doesn't get it.

    BETELGEUSE
    (continuing)
    ... Elvis?...
    (boasting)
    You know, ever since he came over
    he and I have been just like this.
    TB (crosses his fingers)
    I can arrange it. Just say my
    name one more time.

    She thinks about that one. Shakes her head.

    LYDIA
    No, No... I need to talk to
    Barbara.

    Betelgeuse smiles.

    BETELGEUSE
    Well, cookie, just say my name. I
    can get her.
    (rubbing his horny little
    hands together)
    That and so much more...

    Lydia walks around thinking for a moment.

    LYDIA
    Who else did you say is over
    there?
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Horror"]

    Summary In this tense and dramatic scene, Charles and Delia discuss their supernatural problems and the need for Otho's help in producing ghosts for Max and Sarah. Meanwhile, Lydia writes a suicide note and goes to the attic to find the Maitlands, but instead encounters Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse tries to convince Lydia to free him, but she refuses and insists on talking to Barbara. The scene ends with Lydia still determined to communicate with the Maitlands and Betelgeuse unable to be released.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Intriguing concept
    • Dynamic characters
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue may be confusing for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, with a good balance of humor, mystery, and tension. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds depth to the story and sets up future conflicts.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of using charades to reveal a demon's name is creative and adds an element of intrigue to the scene. The introduction of Betelgeuse as a trapped spirit with ulterior motives enhances the supernatural aspect of the story.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Lydia interacts with Betelgeuse and learns about his desire to escape. The scene sets up future conflicts and establishes Betelgeuse as a key character in the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh and original situations, such as the character of Betelgeuse and the unique communication method between Lydia and the supernatural realm. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    Lydia's curiosity and defiance, along with Betelgeuse's manipulative and sinister nature, create an interesting dynamic in the scene. The characters drive the plot forward and add depth to the story.

    Character Changes: 6

    While Lydia's perspective on Betelgeuse shifts throughout the scene, there is not a significant character change for either character. However, the interaction sets up future character development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to connect with the supernatural world and potentially escape her current situation. She is seeking a sense of belonging and purpose beyond the constraints of her mundane life.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to communicate with the ghosts and spirits she encounters, particularly Betelgeuse, in order to navigate the supernatural realm and potentially find a way out of her current predicament.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily between Lydia and Betelgeuse as they negotiate and interact. Betelgeuse's sinister intentions create tension and suspense.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lydia facing challenges in navigating the supernatural realm and communicating with Betelgeuse. The audience is kept on their toes as they wonder how Lydia will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are moderately high as Lydia considers whether to say Betelgeuse's name and potentially free him. Betelgeuse's sinister intentions raise the stakes and add tension to the scene.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing Betelgeuse as a key player and setting up future conflicts and plot developments. Lydia's interaction with Betelgeuse propels the narrative.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and character interactions. The introduction of Betelgeuse and the unique communication method add to the unpredictability of the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between the mundane world and the supernatural realm. Lydia must navigate between these two worlds and make choices that will impact her future.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits a range of emotions, from curiosity to fear, as Lydia navigates her interaction with Betelgeuse. The revelation of Betelgeuse's true nature adds depth to the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue between Lydia and Betelgeuse is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The use of charades adds a unique element to the conversation.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of supernatural elements, dark humor, and character interactions. The dialogue is witty and engaging, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with action and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


    Critique
    • Barbara, Adam, and Betelgeuse have not been mentioned for quite some time and it is unclear why Lydia is looking for them in the attic. Maybe a line from Juno about how she believes the Maitlands are still lingering nearby and might be found in the attic would help us get there.
    • The dialogue is full of lots of back and forth between Lydia and Betelgeuse that is not particularly engaging. Sentences such as "God, you're anatomically correct!" and "I don't take orders from Smurfs" are not very impactful.
    • Mysteries should generally be hinted at and surfaced in increments leading up to a reveal. For example, if Beetlejuice is "anatomically correct" then the story might hint at this over time rather than just having Lydia openly blurt it out to the audience as she does here.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding a line from Juno in the previous scene who suggests to Lydia that the Maitlands are still lingering nearby and might be found in the attic.
    • Focus on writing more engaging dialogue, perhaps Lydia asks Betelgeuse more questions to learn more about the afterlife and how she can communicate with the Maitlands.
    • Consider surfacing the "anatomically correct" element of Betelgeuse more gradually, perhaps with other characters hinting at the concept before Lydia guesses it.



    Scene 36 -  Juno's Instructions and Barbara's Escape
    INT. JUNO'S OFFICE - DAY

    Juno staring at them, hard.

    JUNO
    Yes... or no? Do you want the
    Deetzes out or in?

    ADAM
    Out.

    BARBARA
    What about Betelgeuse?

    JUNO
    Forget him. He'll remain with his
    whores until someone calls him.
    You need to worry about people like
    Otho. There are a lot of
    phony trance mediums. They
    usually can't make the formulas
    work, but if Otho stumbles on the
    right words in that handbook... he
    could hurt you. As in --
    exorcism.

    They both look puzzled.

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    In plain English -- that's death
    for the dead. I don't care what
    TB it takes, just get them out of
    there now. It's not pretty, but
    -- that's death!

    Adam stands to go.

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    Wait a minute. Let's see what
    you're going to do...

    They look at Juno.

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    ... to scare her. I want to make
    sure it's not some silly parlor
    trick.

    Barbara looks at Adam.

    ADAM
    I'll do the hard part, hon.


    ADAM

    reluctantly pulls on his face, and contorts it into a
    living, breathing, horror. Juno is even a little
    repulsed.

    JUNO
    Not bad. Not bad. Now you? Go
    ahead.


    ANGLE

    She reluctantly does with her face a minor version of
    Adam's horror.

    JUNO
    (continuing)
    Okay. You look great! Now go
    clean house. And don't forget the
    photographs and the damned
    handbook.


    ANGLE

    Barbara and Adam slowly stand and walk out the door.
    Barbara/Monster looks back pleadingly. Football
    players flood into Juno's office. One PARTICULARLY
    DUMB PLAYER has a revelation. (He's pretty grisly,
    maybe sat too close to the engine.)

    PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
    TB Coach! Coach, I don't think we
    survived the crash!

    Barbara and Adam look at each other and continue out the
    door.


    OUTSIDE JUNO'S OFFICE

    They enter a long dark hallway. They suddenly find
    themselves standing in front of Lydia's room. Adam/
    Monster looks at Barbara/Monster as he grabs the door-
    knob. She stops him. Tears fall down her sad ghostly
    face.

    BARBARA
    Adam. I can't do it. I like that
    little girl.

    ADAM/MONSTER
    It's too late. Sometimes things
    just work out this way. We have
    to, honey.

    BARBARA/MONSTER
    No we don't. We can rebel or
    something. We'll just stay up
    there in our room. I'll read, you
    can build on the model. Come on.

    She rushes up the stairs, toward the attic. He follows
    her.

    ADAM/MONSTER
    Wait. We can't, honey. Our
    house...

    She gets to the door. Grabs the handle.

    BARBARA
    I want to be with Lydia!

    She throws open the door.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In Juno's office, Juno instructs Adam and Barbara to exorcise Betelgeuse and Otho from the house, but they are reluctant and attempt to scare her instead. Juno sends them to clean house and gather photographs and a handbook. Meanwhile, Lydia enters the scene, and Barbara rushes up to the attic to be with her, leaving the exorcism unfinished. The scene is eerie and tense, with moments of humor, and ends with Barbara's escape to the attic.
    Strengths
    • Engaging conflict
    • Emotional depth
    • Original concept
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up important conflicts and character dynamics for the rest of the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare away the living residents of their home, the introduction of a demon character, and the moral dilemma faced by the ghosts make for a compelling and original storyline.

    Plot: 8

    The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the ghosts deciding to rebel against their assigned task, the introduction of Betelgeuse as a new antagonist, and the revelation of the potential danger of exorcism.

    Originality: 9

    The scene demonstrates a high level of originality with its fresh approach to the supernatural genre, unique character interactions, and authentic dialogue that captures the essence of the ghostly realm.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Adam, Barbara, and Betelgeuse are well-developed in this scene, showing their conflicting motivations and emotional depth.

    Character Changes: 7

    Barbara shows a willingness to rebel against her fate, while Adam struggles with his sense of duty, setting up potential character growth in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect themselves and their loved ones from potential harm in the ghostly realm. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of being exorcised or separated from their human connections.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to scare away a living person who is causing trouble for them in the ghostly realm. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of dealing with unwanted intruders and potential threats to their existence.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between the ghosts, Betelgeuse, and the living residents is intense and multi-layered, adding tension and drama to the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonists facing external threats and internal conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their actions.

    High Stakes: 9

    The revelation of the potential danger of exorcism raises the stakes for the ghosts, adding urgency and tension to their actions.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, characters, and stakes that will drive the narrative towards its climax.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the moral dilemmas they face. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the living and the dead, as well as the moral dilemma of protecting oneself at the expense of others. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice, sacrifice, and the afterlife.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The emotional impact of Barbara's dilemma, the ghosts' bond with Lydia, and the threat of exorcism adds depth and resonance to the scene.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts of the characters, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, humor, and emotional depth. The tension and mystery keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing information at a steady pace, and maintaining the audience's interest in the characters' choices and consequences.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


    Critique
    • This begins the third act of Beetlejuice, and as the scene begins, we're pulled back into the main story. Barbara and Adam meet with Juno, the caseworker from the waiting room, who provides vital information on what the Maitlands need to do to scare the Deetzes out of their home. Juno's dialogue is clear and concise and serves to create some drama between the characters. However, the pacing of the scene feels a bit slow, and the dialogue could be more engaging.
    • One potential issue with this scene is that it doesn't seem to advance the plot much. Barbara and Adam are still trying to figure out how to scare the Deetzes, and they don't make much progress in this scene. This could be frustrating for readers who are looking for more action and excitement.
    • Another issue with this scene is that it doesn't give us much insight into the characters of Barbara and Adam. We don't learn anything new about their motivations or their relationship, and we don't get a sense of how they're feeling about their current situation.
    • The dialogue in this scene is also a bit stiff and unnatural. The characters speak in a very formal way that doesn't feel like real conversation. This can make it difficult for readers to connect with the characters and to care about what happens to them.
    • Overall, this scene is a bit of a letdown. It doesn't advance the plot much, it doesn't give us much insight into the characters, and the dialogue is a bit stiff. However, it does provide some important information about what Barbara and Adam need to do to scare the Deetzes, and it does set up some potential conflict for later scenes.
    Suggestions
    • Add more action and excitement to the scene. For example, you could have Barbara and Adam actually confront the Deetzes, or you could have them witness the Deetzes doing something evil.
    • Give us more insight into the characters of Barbara and Adam. For example, you could have them talk about their fears and insecurities, or you could show us how they interact with each other in everyday life.
    • Make the dialogue more natural and engaging. For example, you could have the characters speak in a more informal way, or you could use more contractions.
    • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue. This will help to make the scene more concise and fast-paced.
    • Consider adding some humor to the scene. This will help to make the scene more enjoyable to read and will help to make the characters more relatable.



    Scene 37 -  Lydia's Desire to Be Dead and the Theft of the Model
    INT. ATTIC - DAY

    Lydia is standing over the model, about to say
    Betelgeuse's name.

    LYDIA
    Okay. Beetle... J...

    Barbara/Monster, horrified, screams!

    BARBARA/MONSTER
    ! Lydia, stop!
    TB
    Adam/Monster runs to grab her.
    Screams.

    ADAM/MONSTER
    Lydia is terrified.



    No, don't say it!

    BETELGEUSE
    Say it! Rat shit!

    Betelgeuse slips off the roof into a patch of thorny
    bushes.


    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    Lydia screams, Adam/Monster tries to calm her. Lydia
    struggles and, thinking she is being attacked, runs out
    the door. Smack into Barbara/Monster.

    Barbara catches her, frightens Lydia even more.
    Barbara holds onto her as she struggles. Barbara/
    Monster slowly changes back into regular Barbara.
    Lydia sees who it is and she hugs her. Like mother and
    daughter.

    ON ADAM - slowly returning to himself. He smiles
    slightly at the scene.

    BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
    You lily-livered bleeding hearts!

    BARBARA
    I'm so sorry we frightened you.
    What were you doing?

    LYDIA
    He... Beetle Jui...

    Barbara quickly puts her hand over her mouth.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    He said if I let him out he would
    take me over to the other side to
    find you.

    BARBARA
    No, Lydia, we're dead.

    LYDIA
    I want to be dead, too.

    BARBARA
    (shocked)
    No you don't! No... Lydia... Why?

    LYDIA
    (after a pause,
    TB dramatically
    but for real)
    Life is just... unliveable...

    Barbara hugs her. She fumbles for words. This is an
    unusual situation, a dead person talking a live person
    out of killing herself. She rocks Lydia a little.
    Barbara looks at Adam.

    BARBARA
    Lydia, believe me... we know...
    all the hard stuff is the same
    over here. You're going to be who
    you are... whether you're alive or
    dead... and over here -- it's...
    It's flat... there's no food, no
    colors... you can't smell the
    flowers.
    (thinking)
    If we knew then what we know
    now... we'd have been more
    careful...

    ADAM
    (in the style of the
    dead receptionist)
    ... we wouldn't have had our
    little accident.

    Lydia looks at Barbara lovingly.

    BARBARA
    So never let Beetlejuice out --
    never. Besides...
    (looking at Adam)
    We're thinking about letting
    everyone stay... you and your
    father and mother can stay too.

    LYDIA
    (smiles and says
    slowly)
    Step... mother.


    ADAM/MONSTER

    is not sure, huffs around a little. He is trying to
    change back into Adam, except for his nose, which
    remains like a beak for a minute. Finally, it changes
    too.

    Lydia and Barbara laugh at him.


    ANGLE

    Without noticing Lydia, Otho and Charles push in
    TB
    through the door and grab the model.
    the door.

    Adam is beside himself.
    They take it out


    Doesn't know what to do.

    Barbara stops him from taking action.

    ADAM
    What is going on?

    LYDIA
    Really. I don't know.

    Adam looks suspiciously at her.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    I really don't. I'll go find out.

    She runs out the door.

    BARBARA
    Be careful.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the attic, Lydia is stopped from summoning Betelgeuse with her mother's help by Adam/Monster. Betelgeuse falls into thorny bushes, causing Lydia to run out of the attic in terror and be caught by Barbara/Monster. Barbara consoles Lydia, who expresses her desire to be dead, while Adam is confused and frustrated. Otho and Charles enter, steal the model, and leave Lydia to run after them. The scene is emotionally tense and ends with the theft of the model.
    Strengths
    • Strong character development
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Emotional depth
    • Humor
    Weaknesses
    • Some moments of confusion for the characters
    • Slight lack of clarity in certain interactions

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is engaging, with a good balance of humor, emotion, and tension. It moves the story forward while also developing the characters and their relationships.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the living and the dead coexisting and trying to help each other is well-executed. The introduction of Betelgeuse adds a new layer of conflict and intrigue.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Lydia's internal struggle is revealed, leading to a pivotal moment with Betelgeuse. The conflict between the characters is heightened, setting up future events.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces fresh ideas about the afterlife and explores complex emotions in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-developed, with Lydia's emotional journey at the center of the scene. Barbara and Adam show compassion and understanding, while Betelgeuse adds a dynamic element.

    Character Changes: 8

    Lydia undergoes a significant emotional change, moving from despair to hope. Barbara and Adam show growth in their understanding and compassion. Betelgeuse's character is also dynamic and unpredictable.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and purpose, as she struggles with the idea of being alive in a world where she feels unliveable.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to prevent Beetlejuice from being released and causing chaos in the living world.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict between the living and the dead, Lydia's internal struggle, and the threat of Betelgeuse create tension and suspense in the scene.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene adds tension and conflict, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome and keeping the audience engaged.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are high as Lydia grapples with life and death, the living and the dead interact, and Betelgeuse poses a threat. The outcome of this scene will impact future events.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the emotional revelations that drive the plot forward.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of life and death, with Lydia contemplating the meaning of existence and the afterlife.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The emotional impact is significant, especially in Lydia's revelation and the interaction between the characters. It adds depth and resonance to the scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It drives the scene forward and creates tension and humor.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, drama, and supernatural elements. The emotional depth of the characters keeps the audience invested in their journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats that keep the story moving forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and plot progression. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Lydia about to say Betelgeuse's name, which is a bit confusing as the audience may not know why she is doing so. It would be helpful to provide some context or exposition to explain her motivation.
    • The dialogue between Barbara/Monster and Adam/Monster is a bit repetitive and could be condensed to make the scene more efficient.
    • The scene transitions quickly between different characters and actions, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow. It would be helpful to provide more clear transitions between the different moments.
    • The scene ends abruptly with Barbara stopping Adam from taking action, which leaves the reader hanging. It would be helpful to provide some resolution or closure to the scene.
    • The dialogue between Barbara and Lydia feels a bit forced and unnatural. It would be helpful to make it more conversational and believable.
    • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, which makes it difficult for the reader to engage with the story.
    Suggestions
    • Add a line of dialogue or exposition to explain why Lydia is about to say Betelgeuse's name.
    • Combine the dialogue between Barbara/Monster and Adam/Monster to make it more efficient.
    • Provide more clear transitions between the different characters and actions in the scene.
    • Add a line of dialogue or action to provide some resolution or closure to the scene.
    • Rewrite the dialogue between Barbara and Lydia to make it more conversational and believable.
    • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene to make it more engaging for the reader.



    Scene 38 -  Lydia Interrupts a Ghost Town Museum Presentation with a Revelation
    INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

    Lydia runs through the hallway and into the dining
    room.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Lydia walks into a presentation in progress. Sitting
    around the table are Otho, Maxie, and Delia. Sarah Dean
    is there, too. She looks around Lydia hoping for
    ghosts. Sarah is heavily made up, smells bad.

    Lydia's photos of the sheeted ghosts are blown up and
    standing on a nearby easel. Charles, over the model
    with a pointer, is lost in mid-sentence.

    CHARLES
    -- In short, I've got options to
    buy enough of Main Street to
    control the city council for a
    hundred years. And at the prices
    I'm talking about, if it all fell
    apart tomorrow, we just move out and
    sell to the Arabs and we still come
    out... I've talked to Ed Cornwall
    about a wax museum, here... in
    Thanksgiving Park... Ed's the man
    who made the talking Jesse Jackson
    statue.
    And I've got a museum dedicated to
    50 Great Moments in the Paranormal
    -- and parenthetically, D-Con wants
    TB to the right to start an insect zoo
    here in the old hardware store.
    (seeing Lydia)
    Lydia, did you finally decide to
    join us?

    They all give her an oily smile.

    CHARLES
    Honey, I am just finishing the first
    phase presentation about our little
    project here. Then we'll take a
    stretch and invite our friends... to meet
    your friends.

    Sarah gets Maxie's attention and unable to contain her
    excitement, silently urges him to get on with the
    ghosts.

    SARAH
    Are they here yet?

    MAXIE
    Yes, Charles, let's cut the
    bullcorn. We're here to see
    ghosts. This whole ghost town
    museum and such like follows a
    train, if you've got the engine...
    so let's see your goddamned engine.

    Everyone looks at Lydia.

    LYDIA
    They're... not here anymore.

    CHARLES
    (smiling apologetically)
    Nonsense, every time she says
    that, the paint peels, and some
    wild creature tries to kill us.

    SARAH
    (motioning)
    We've got these pictures, Lydia.

    LYDIA
    No, really... they said they might
    come back and all of us could live
    in peace if you agreed not to
    tease them or make them do silly
    tricks.

    Sarah is disappointed. She goes to Maxie. Delia takes
    over.

    DELIA
    She's become a little emotional
    about all this. No counseling up
    TB here. But we aren't relying on
    her. No, we rely on
    professionals. We have... Otho.

    The whole room turns to Otho. Who is scribbling some-
    thing and mumbling.

    CHARLES
    Are they still here, Otho?

    Otho looks up; he missed the question.

    DELIA
    Are they still here, Otho?

    OTHO
    Oh, they're still here. They're
    just not showing up.

    CHARLES
    They're probably guilty about what
    they did to me.

    DELIA
    Not these people! They are
    ruthless!

    MAXIE
    I don't care from guilt. I just
    want to see them.

    CHARLES
    Otho, can you do it?

    OTHO
    It's tricky, but I think I can
    handle it.

    He dramatically produces the handbook.

    LYDIA
    No!

    Lydia begins to think about this scene and she shifts
    to another point of view.

    LYDIA
    Wait a minute! What am I worried
    about? Otho, you can't even
    change a tire!

    OTHO
    (taking the challenge)
    I'll need something personal of
    theirs.

    LYDIA
    You'll have to go to the Goodwill.
    TB
    Delia gets an idea.
    Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Horror"]

    Summary Lydia bursts into a dining room where a presentation about a ghost town museum and other projects is being held by Charles and other investors. She reveals that the ghosts are no longer present, but the investors demand to see them. Otho, a self-proclaimed professional, offers to summon the ghosts with something personal of theirs. Lydia is hesitant, but the other investors are eager. The scene ends with Otho saying he can summon the ghosts and Lydia becoming hesitant.
    Strengths
    • Well-developed characters
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Creative concept
    Weaknesses
    • Some elements may be confusing for viewers unfamiliar with the story

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends humor, suspense, and fantasy elements to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The dialogue is witty, the characters are well-developed, and the plot advances in an intriguing way.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of ghosts trying to scare away intruders in a haunted house is executed with creativity and originality. The introduction of the character Betelgeuse adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the characters interact and the conflict between the living and the supernatural beings escalates. The introduction of Otho and the handbook adds a new twist to the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on the paranormal genre by combining it with elements of business and personal relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-defined and each has a distinct personality that adds depth to the scene. Their interactions and conflicts drive the narrative forward.

    Character Changes: 7

    Several characters experience changes or revelations in the scene, particularly Lydia, who confronts the ghosts and stands up to her family. These character developments add depth to the narrative.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal in this scene is to protect the ghosts from being exploited or disturbed by the other characters. This reflects her deeper desire to maintain peace and harmony with the supernatural beings she has encountered.

    External Goal: 7

    Lydia's external goal in this scene is to navigate the presentation and interactions with the other characters without revealing too much about the ghosts or their intentions.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between the living characters and the ghosts, as well as the internal conflicts among the characters, creates tension and drives the narrative forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations among the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are high as the characters face supernatural threats, internal conflicts, and the risk of losing their home. The outcome of their actions could have significant consequences for all involved.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, advancing character arcs, and setting up future plot developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the situation will unfold.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the treatment of the supernatural beings. Some characters see them as opportunities for profit, while others, like Lydia, view them as beings deserving of respect and peace.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including amusement, curiosity, and anxiety. The interactions between the characters and the supernatural elements add emotional depth to the story.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It adds humor and tension to the scene, keeping the audience entertained.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and supernatural elements. The interactions between the characters keep the audience interested and invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the interactions keeps the scene moving forward and maintains the audience's interest.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay. The dialogue is properly formatted and easy to follow.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with distinct character interactions and dialogue. It effectively sets up the conflict and tension within the narrative.


    Critique
    • The scene seems disjointed. It starts with Lydia running into the dining room, but there is no clear indication of what happened before or why she is running. Then, the scene shifts to a presentation in progress, but it is not clear who is giving the presentation or what it is about. The dialogue is also confusing, with characters talking over each other and interrupting each other.
    • The scene lacks focus. It starts with Lydia running into the dining room, but then it shifts to a presentation about a ghost town museum and other projects. It is not clear what the main purpose of the scene is, and it seems to be jumping from one topic to another.
    Suggestions
    • Add a brief introduction to the scene that explains what happened before and why Lydia is running. For example, you could say something like: "Lydia runs into the dining room, her heart pounding in her chest. She has just seen something terrifying in the attic." This would give the reader a better understanding of the context of the scene and why Lydia is so upset.
    • Make it clear who is giving the presentation and what it is about. For example, you could say something like: "Charles, the owner of the house, is giving a presentation to Maxie and Sarah, two potential investors. He is talking about his plans to turn the house into a ghost town museum." This would help the reader understand the purpose of the scene and what the characters are talking about.
    • Give the dialogue more focus. Avoid having characters talking over each other and interrupting each other. Instead, try to give each character a chance to speak and make their point. This will make the dialogue more coherent and easier to follow.
    • Consider adding some stage directions to the scene. This will help the reader visualize the action and understand what is happening. For example, you could say something like: "Lydia turns and runs out of the dining room, her long hair flowing behind her." This would give the reader a better sense of the scene and what is happening.



    Scene 39 -  A Night of Uncertainty and Disappearance
    EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

    The moon stares down icily through gray clouds. Wind
    up.


    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    Barbara is looking out the window.

    BARBARA
    (wistful)
    You know, I've been thinking. I
    could teach Lydia to sew.

    ADAM
    Little black party dresses?

    BARBARA
    (punching him playfully)
    Ah, Adam, you don't know anything
    about little girls. She's just...
    missed out on some love, that's
    all...

    ADAM
    (huffy)
    Let's see if she can get my model
    back.

    BARBARA
    You can build another one... with
    her.

    Adam isn't convinced. Barbara motions him to sit next
    to her.

    BARBARA
    (continuing)
    Come here, I want to talk to you.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Delia carefully brings out a big plastic bag. Lays
    something out on the dining room table.

    DELIA
    I'm deeply sentimental about...
    weddings.

    Lydia stands to see: Delia carefully lays out
    Barbara's white wedding dress. Then next to it, Adam's
    wedding tux.
    TB
    Lydia looks at it. A chill runs through her.

    LYDIA
    (hushed realization)
    Their wedding clothes.

    OTHO
    (dramatically)
    Their wedding clothes.

    Otho then holds up the handbook.

    SARAH
    The "words".

    Otho nods.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    Lydia is nervous now. Otho lights a candle and Delia
    turns out the lights.

    OTHO
    Hands vermillion / start of five
    bright cotillion / raven's dive
    nightshades promise / spirit's strive,
    to the living / let now the dead...
    come alive.

    Nothing happens. Lydia nervously turns away.

    LYDIA
    (sarcastically)
    Doo wah.


    ANGLE

    Then a SIZZLE, a TINY CRACKLE, along one side of the
    square.


    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    Barbara with her arm on his shoulder, talks to Adam.

    BARBARA
    We've been given a gift here,
    honey. A real live little girl.
    She likes us a lot. She needs
    us. Maybe that's why we died so
    young, to keep us from getting
    so... attached to things. The
    house, antiques, your model. Look
    at us. We didn't have room for
    anyone.
    TB ADAM
    (after a long thought)
    What makes you think she likes me?

    Barbara slowly smiles. He does too.

    He turns to Barbara. CAMERA HINGES WITH him to see --


    ON BARBARA

    Her face is frightened. She cannot speak. She reaches
    out to him -- but is disappearing. He reaches for her
    but she is suddenly -- GONE.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary In the attic, Barbara proposes teaching Lydia to sew, while Adam remains skeptical. In the dining room, Delia prepares Barbara's wedding dress and Adam's tuxedo, and Otho holds up a handbook. In the living room, Otho conducts a seance, causing a sizzle and tiny crackle on the square. In the attic, Barbara vanishes, leaving Adam bewildered and distressed. The scene is filled with emotional tension, conflicts, and a sense of foreboding, with significant visual elements including the wedding dress, tuxedo, and Barbara's disappearance.
    Strengths
    • Emotional depth of characters
    • Innovative concept of summoning ghosts with personal items
    • Atmospheric setting and tone
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
    • Transition between scenes could be smoother

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively blends fantasy, comedy, and horror elements, creating a unique and engaging atmosphere. The emotional depth of the characters and the exploration of themes add depth to the narrative.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of summoning ghosts with personal items is innovative and adds a new dimension to the supernatural genre. The scene effectively explores the consequences of this concept and its impact on the characters.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as the characters attempt to summon ghosts with personal items, leading to a climactic moment with the wedding clothes. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on haunted house tropes by focusing on emotional connections and the afterlife. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters show emotional depth and growth, particularly Barbara and Adam as they discuss their attachment to material things and their relationship with Lydia. The scene also introduces new characters like Otho and Delia, adding complexity to the narrative.

    Character Changes: 7

    Barbara and Adam show growth and introspection as they discuss their attachment to material things and their relationship with Lydia. The scene sets up potential character arcs and developments for future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Barbara's internal goal is to connect with Lydia and Adam emotionally, to show them love and care. This reflects her deeper desire for family and attachment, as well as her fear of being alone or unloved.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to understand the supernatural occurrences in the house and possibly communicate with the spirits. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the haunted environment they are in.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    The conflict in the scene revolves around the attempt to summon ghosts and the emotional struggles of the characters. The tension builds as the incantation scene unfolds, leading to a climactic moment with the wedding clothes.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural forces and emotional challenges. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and intrigue.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are raised as the characters attempt to summon ghosts and confront their emotional struggles. The scene sets up potential consequences and conflicts that will impact the characters' lives.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, characters, and themes. The summoning of ghosts with personal items sets up future developments and challenges for the characters.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and the unexpected disappearance of Barbara. The audience is left wondering about the fate of the characters and the resolution of the haunting.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of attachment and letting go. Barbara and Adam discuss the concept of being attached to material possessions and the importance of emotional connections. This challenges their beliefs about the afterlife and the purpose of their existence.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from nostalgia and hope to anxiety and fear. The intimate moments between the characters and the eerie atmosphere created by the summoning of ghosts add depth and emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, especially in the intimate conversation between Barbara and Adam. The incantation scene adds tension and mystery through the dialogue.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, emotional depth, and suspenseful atmosphere. The characters' interactions and the unfolding mystery keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with Barbara's disappearance. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 7

    The formatting of the scene is appropriate for its genre, with clear scene headings and character dialogue. It enhances the readability and flow of the narrative.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a beautiful description of the night sky, but it doesn't seem to have much relevance to the rest of the scene.
    • The dialogue between Barbara and Adam is a bit too expository and doesn't do much to advance the plot.
    • The scene then cuts to the dining room where Delia is laying out Barbara's wedding dress and Adam's wedding tux. This is a nice touch, but it's not clear why she's doing it.
    • Otho then holds up the handbook and starts to read from it. This is a bit confusing, as it's not clear what he's trying to do.
    • The scene then cuts back to the living room where Lydia is nervous. Otho lights a candle and Delia turns out the lights. Otho starts to read from the handbook again, and this time there's a sizzle and a tiny crackle. This is a nice touch, but it's not clear what it means.
    • The scene then cuts back to the attic where Barbara is talking to Adam. She tells him that they've been given a gift, and that they should use it to help Lydia. This is a nice sentiment, but it's not clear what they're supposed to do.
    • The scene then ends with Barbara disappearing. This is a bit of a cliffhanger, but it's not clear what it means.
    • This scene is trying to do too many things at once. It starts with a description of the night sky, then it cuts to a dialogue between Barbara and Adam, then it cuts to the dining room where Delia is laying out the wedding clothes, then it cuts to the living room where Otho is reading from the handbook, then it cuts back to the attic where Barbara is talking to Adam, and then it ends with Barbara disappearing. This is a lot to take in, and it's hard to follow the plot.
    • The dialogue is also a bit stilted and unnatural. The characters don't sound like real people, and their conversations are often difficult to understand.
    Suggestions
    • Start the scene with a more focused description of the setting. What is the weather like? What time of day is it? What are the characters doing?
    • Cut the dialogue between Barbara and Adam. It's not necessary for the plot, and it doesn't do much to develop their characters.
    • Make it clear why Delia is laying out the wedding clothes. Is she trying to show them to Lydia? Is she trying to use them to summon the ghosts?
    • Make it clear what Otho is trying to do when he reads from the handbook. Is he trying to summon the ghosts? Is he trying to protect Lydia from the ghosts?
    • Cut the scene back to the attic after Otho starts reading from the handbook. This will help to create a sense of suspense and anticipation.
    • Have Barbara and Adam talk about their plans for Lydia. What do they want to do with her? How do they plan to help her?
    • End the scene with Barbara and Adam making a decision. This will give the scene a sense of closure and will help to move the plot forward.



    Scene 40 -  Supernatural Wedding Dress and Desperate Pleas
    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Varicolored lightning bolts shoot from every corner of
    the square. A gasp from everyone but Lydia.


    ON LYDIA -- she is looking away. She turns to see:


    ON THE DRESS

    Barbara's wedding dress floats over the table and fills
    slowly, painfully, with the arms, legs and finally the
    frightened face of Barbara. A lightning bolt flares.

    Lydia rises slowly to her feet, unable to resist.

    More lightning bolts.

    OTHO
    As sudden thunder / Pierces the night;
    As magic wonder / Mad affright
    Rives asunder / Man's delight:
    Our ghost, our corpse and we
    Rise to be.

    Lydia walks slowly toward Barbara.


    ON BARBARA

    She is in pain, she is very slowly aging. She speaks,
    but no words can be heard. Not even by Lydia. But we
    can see she is calling for... Adam.

    LYDIA
    Stop it!

    MAXIE
    Shhhh!
    TB
    Lydia screams for Adam.


    Adam. Adam.
    LYDIA


    OTHO
    (louder)
    As flies the lizard / Serpent fell;
    As goblin vizard, / At the spell
    Of pale wizard, / Sinks to hell;
    The buried, dead, and slain...
    Rise again.


    INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

    In a lightning flare we see: Adam searching for
    Barbara. He rushes out into the hallway.

    ADAM
    Barbara! Barbara? Ba...

    His last plaintive call becomes mute as he too begins
    slowly to disappear.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    On each of the watchers one by one, scared but
    delighted too. No one is watching Lydia.

    ON LYDIA -- tears well up in her eyes.


    ON BARBARA

    She is slowly aging. Now a bewildered Adam appears,
    floating in his wedding suit. Seeing his Barbara, now
    older than he is, Adam reaches for her hand...

    ON HANDS -- as he grasps her hand, it seems to be made
    of white crepe; it wrinkles and nearly collapses.

    Adam... puzzled, calls her name silently.

    DELIA
    What's happening to them?

    OTHO
    I don't know.

    CHARLES
    Are they suffering?

    LYDIA
    (screams)
    They're dying.
    TB MAXIE
    They're already dead.
    feel a thing.
    They can't


    Obviously not true.

    ON BARBARA -- she looks down slowly at Lydia and with
    effort makes a loving smile. She reaches out toward
    Lydia.

    Completely helpless now, Lydia weeps openly and then
    something comes over her. She rushes across the room.
    Stares down at the model.

    LYDIA
    Where are you? Help us! Please.
    Betelgeuse!

    A CRACK OF LIGHTNING.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Horror","Drama"]

    Summary In the dining room at night, varicolored lightning bolts fill the room as Barbara's wedding dress floats over the table, filling with her aging body. Lydia shows concern and pleads with the model for help, while Adam also appears, older and puzzled. The other guests are delighted. Otho admits to not knowing what is happening. The conflict of Lydia's desperation to save Barbara and Adam is not resolved, and the scene ends with Lydia weeping and pleading with the model for help.
    Strengths
    • Effective use of supernatural elements
    • Emotional depth of characters
    • Tension and suspense building
    Weaknesses
    • Some confusion in the dialogue
    • Slightly repetitive incantations

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively combines elements of fantasy, horror, and drama to create a tense and emotional atmosphere, with a touch of mystery. The transformation of characters and the high stakes involved contribute to the scene's impact.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of summoning ghosts through a seance and the transformation of characters into older versions of themselves is innovative and adds depth to the scene.

    Plot: 7

    The plot advances as Lydia attempts to summon Betelgeuse and the stakes are raised with the appearance of the ghosts. The scene sets up further conflict and resolution.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces unique supernatural elements such as characters aging and disappearing, as well as poetic dialogue that adds depth to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters' reactions and emotions are well portrayed, especially Lydia's internal struggle and Barbara and Adam's transformation. Each character's role adds to the tension and drama of the scene.

    Character Changes: 8

    The characters undergo significant changes, both physically and emotionally, during the scene. Lydia's growth and Barbara and Adam's transformation contribute to the character development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Barbara and Adam from their supernatural fate. This reflects Lydia's deeper desire to protect her loved ones and confront the unknown.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to understand and stop the supernatural events unfolding in the dining room. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the supernatural forces at play.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between the characters, the summoning of ghosts, and the emotional turmoil experienced by Lydia create a high level of tension and suspense.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural forces and emotional challenges that create obstacles to their goals.

    High Stakes: 9

    The high stakes involve the potential loss of characters, the summoning of powerful spirits, and the emotional turmoil experienced by Lydia. The outcome of the scene has significant consequences for the characters.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting up future events. The summoning of ghosts and the transformation of characters propel the narrative.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural events and emotional twists that keep the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of life, death, and the afterlife. The characters are faced with the supernatural resurrection and aging of Barbara and Adam, challenging their beliefs about mortality and the unknown.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with themes of loss, fear, and hope resonating with the audience. The transformation of characters adds to the emotional depth of the scene.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue enhances the tone and atmosphere of the scene, with incantations and emotional exchanges adding depth to the characters' interactions.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, emotional stakes, and character dynamics. The suspense and mystery keep the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that heightens the emotional impact of the characters' fates.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the supernatural and emotional elements of the story.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the supernatural events and emotional stakes of the characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting some of the dialogue.
    • The dialogue is too expository and could be more natural.
    • The action is not clear and could be more visually interesting.
    • The characters are not well-developed and could be more relatable.
    • The ending is not satisfying and could be more impactful.
    Suggestions
    • Cut some of the dialogue to make the scene shorter.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
    • Add more visual interest to the action.
    • Develop the characters more to make them more relatable.
    • Rewrite the ending to make it more satisfying and impactful.



    Scene 41 -  Betelgeuse's Carnival of Terror and His Ultimate Demise
    EXT. MODEL TOWN GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

    Someone, or something, like the figure of death in the
    Goya drawing, is perched atop the gravestone of Barbara
    and Adam Maitland. The graves beneath him are open.
    The figure turns... it is Betelgeuse. He is filing his
    talons casually.

    He speaks with a ghastly rasp.

    BETELGEUSE
    So... You're ready for me now?

    LYDIA
    You've got to help them.

    BETELGEUSE
    Can you help me?

    LYDIA
    (frightened)
    ... I will.

    BETELGEUSE
    Then I'll help them. For a price.

    He grins.

    LYDIA
    W... What is it?

    BETELGEUSE
    (his words echo
    horribly
    Be... my... queen!

    LYDIA
    TB (repulsed)
    Your qu...? But you're...

    BETELGEUSE
    (smiling devilishly)
    I'm beeyoo-teeful.


    ON LYDIA

    She is chilled. Steps back.
    She turns back to the Maitlands who are continuing to
    age. Looks back to the model.

    LYDIA
    ... All right... Betelgeuse...


    ON BETELGEUSE

    He doubles in size. The tombstone crumbles beneath
    him...

    LYDIA (V.O.)
    (louder)
    Betelgeuse...


    WIDER ON GRAVEYARD

    He doubles in size again.


    ON LYDIA

    She hesitates.


    ON BETELGEUSE - TIGHT

    He looks up at her confidently.

    LYDIA
    Betelgeuse!


    DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Barbara and Adam's corpses are nearly at the end of
    their ropes.

    CHARLES
    All right, that's enough. Can you
    stop this now?

    Otho doesn't answer.

    CHARLES
    TB Otho?
    (continuing)


    OTHO
    It's too late, Charles. I'm
    sorry.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Lydia peers at the model. Betelgeuse is transforming.
    There's a LOW RUMBLE. The model town starts to shake.


    INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

    Lydia backs away. Betelgeuse's head, now human-size,
    rises from the center of the model town.


    TIGHT ON HIS FACE

    His grin is malevolent and malicious. It's showtime,
    folks!

    BETELGEUSE
    Attention, K-Mart shoppers!


    ON DEETZES

    -- who have been focused on the Maitlands now turning
    around to the model.


    ON MODEL

    Betelgeuse begins a bright but sinister Carnival
    Barker's pitch. His shoulders now are clearing the
    model.

    BETELGEUSE
    Welcome to Winter River!


    ANGLE

    Sarah rushes over to the model, thinking this is more
    of the show. Maxie follows.

    BETELGEUSE
    Hel LO Piggies! Welcome to Winter
    River! See the Museum of Natural
    Greed. The Monument to Bored
    Businessmen! Come closer!


    ANGLE
    TB
    Suddenly Betelgeuse's arms elongate, swell and CRACKLE.


    ON MAXIE AND SARAH

    Their eyes grow wide.


    TIGHT ON BETELGEUSE'S HANDS

    They split, unfurl, and transmutate into two, shiny,
    huge sledgehammers.


    ON BETELGEUSE

    He grins, his eyes sparkle in anticipation. CARNEY
    MUSIC UP.

    BETELGEUSE
    (roughly to the tune
    of "Santa Claus is
    Coming to Town")
    You better not sell, you better
    not buy...


    ON MAXIE AND SARAH

    Behind each of them, a graduated CARNIVAL BELL RINGING
    GAME STANDARD erects itself.


    ON BETELGEUSE

    BETELGEUSE
    (still singing)
    Or old Uncle Beetle Claus will be
    makin'... you... fly.

    Betelgeuse swings his hammer/hands and sends Max and
    Sarah zooming through the roof. GONG. GONG.


    ANGLE

    BETELGEUSE
    (in style of game
    show host)
    Yowser, yowser. Well, who do we
    have here tonight?


    ANGLE

    He looks up at the suspended Maitlands.
    TB BETELGEUSE
    Let's have a hand for the
    Maitlands, Barbara and Adam.
    deserve a rest.
    They



    ON MAITLANDS

    Wispy shadows by now, but still alive/dead. They fall
    in a heap on the floor. NOTE: They immediately start
    to regenerate themselves.

    BETELGEUSE
    Well, we'll get back to them after
    they recover from their flight.


    ON ADAM

    Filling out again, he struggles to stand, but falls.
    Barbara shakes her head, trying to regain her focus.

    BETELGEUSE
    (looking around)
    My God, what ugly wall dressing.
    Who is responsible for all this
    ugliness?
    (spying Otho trying
    to hide)
    Otho, it's you! Watch out for the
    taste patrol!


    ANGLE

    He waves and the door opens. A little Italian gentle-
    man appears.

    OTHO
    No. Noooo! My God. It's Giorgio
    Armani!

    GIORGIO
    Before youa getta started herea, I
    joost wanta to saya, Otho,
    don'ta weara my stuff? Okay?
    Youa too fat for human-type
    clothes. Ita makes my designs
    looka like aircraft covering!


    ANGLE

    Otho is horrified. Suddenly he looks down and sees his
    clothing has transformed into a polyester nightmare.
    He runs out the door screaming. Betelgeuese laughs
    with delight then focuses on Lydia.
    TB BETELGEUSE
    Let's leave this crazy world
    behind us. I'll take you out in
    style!

    Sound of eerie WEDDING MARCH. The fireplace changes
    into an expressionist altar.


    ANGLE

    His leering horned whores walk like bridesmaids, in
    step, through the door. They rush toward Lydia.


    ANGLE

    Frightened, Lydia is assaulted and pulled forward by
    these ugly handmaidens; she suddenly looks down and
    sees she is now clothed in a blood-red wedding dress.
    Lydia screams!!

    BARBARA
    No... No!

    Adam's eyes widen.

    LYDIA
    (frightened, but
    hurling the incan-
    tation to make him
    disappear)
    No... Betelgeuse. Bet...

    Betelgeuse waves a hand and Lydia's mouth freezes.
    Delia and Charles plead with the recovering Maitlands.

    DELIA
    (frantic)
    Please, can't you do something!
    Please!



    ON BARBARA AND ADAM

    Adam, not fully recovered, heroically tries to speak --
    but his jaw falls off. An exhausted Barbara tries to
    help him reattach it.

    Betelgeuse looks at Lydia.

    BETELGEUSE
    You know if we're going to get
    married, we're going to need
    witnesses!

    Betelgeuse shifts his glare to Charles and Delia.
    TB
    From Behind, Delia's horrid sculptures come to life
    and attack Charles and Delia. The sculptures twist
    around them, forcing them to watch the hideous
    spectacle.

    Adam and Barbara are rapidly trying to recover as the
    ceremony begins.


    A DEATH-MASKED OLD PREACHER

    slides down the fireplace, ready to perform the
    service, speaks with a hissing death rattle.

    PREACHER
    Do you, Betel...

    His mouth drops and is frozen.

    BETELGEUSE
    Uh-uh! No one says the B word!

    PREACHER
    Do you, _____________, take this
    woman to be your wedded wife? To
    honor...

    BETELGEUSE
    (interrupting)
    You betcha!

    Lydia screams and struggles.

    PREACHER
    And... you? Do you, Lydia, take
    this man?... er, uh... man... to
    be your lawful wedded husband?...
    In sickness...

    Lydia struggles. Her screams are muffled and distant.
    Betelgeuse grabs her and shakes her.

    BETELGEUSE
    You don't have to answer him,
    snookums. I'll do it for you.
    (eerily, speaking in
    her voice)
    I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound
    mind. The man next to me is the
    one I want. You asked me... I'm
    answering. Yes. How I love that
    man of mine.

    Adam, now fully regenerated, moves toward them. He
    shouts the incantation.

    ADAM
    Beetle...
    TB
    ANGLE

    Betelgeuse turns to him and with a sweep of his hand,
    Adam's teeth (as if they were false), fly out of his
    mouth and CLATTER to the floor. Adam, toothless,
    musters up his ghost powers and --

    ON TEETH - TIGHT -- they rare back and continue
    shouting...

    TEETH
    Beetleju...


    ANGLE

    Mayhem breaks out. A furious Betelgeuse stomps at them
    with his feet. The teeth scuttle under the model.

    BETELGEUSE
    (angrily, to old man)
    Now move it, pops!


    ON ADAM

    Speechless, Adam heroically charges toward Betelgeuse,
    ready to strike him. Betelgeuse spins on him and waves
    his hand. SOUND OF RUSHING WIND.


    ON ADAM

    He has been zapped into his model town.


    ANGLE

    Barbara screams and jumps at Betelgeuse.

    BARBARA
    Beetlegeuse...

    Betelgeuse turns on her, eyes flashing.


    ON BARBARA

    A gag comes over her mouth.


    ON MODEL

    Adam is running around the streets trying to get out of
    the model. He looks up into the sky, sees a red glow
    and THUNDERING WEDDING MUSIC. He doesn't know what to
    TB
    do.


    ON BARBARA

    She tears away her face (like tissue) and tries to say
    his name again...

    BARBARA
    Betelgeuse...


    ON BETELGEUSE

    More angry, he waves his hand.


    ON BARBARA

    Her lips are zippered shut.


    IN MODEL

    Desperate, Adam gets an idea. He runs over to the
    truck Betelgeuse had crashed earlier, jumps in and
    tries to start it.


    ON BARBARA

    She unzips her mouth and tries again.

    BARBARA
    Be


    ON BETELGEUSE

    Fire darts from his eyes....


    ON BARBARA

    A chromium steel plate is riveted across her mouth.
    She screams wordlessly behind it.


    IN MODEL

    Adam finally gets the truck started.


    BARBARA

    Struggling with her mouth, frustrated to the breaking
    point, she looks all around the room and rushes to the
    window and CRASHES through into the night.
    TB
    IN MODEL

    Adam sees Barbara rush out. He looks back at
    Betelgeuse, floors the gas pedal and goes for one last
    shot.


    BETELGEUSE

    BETELGEUSE
    (angry)
    Now, let's get rolling!

    PREACHER
    Then, by the authority vested in
    me by...

    A RUMBLE comes from outside. Everyone notices but the
    Preacher. He stutters to finish the wedding.

    BETELGEUSE
    By me! Get on with it!

    LOUDER NOISE from outside. Now nearly DEAFENING.

    PREACHER
    Yes... by him. I now pronounce
    you man and...


    ANGLE

    The truck is racing up to Betelgeuse's foot. Adam
    bails out just in time as the truck hits Betelgeuse's
    foot and EXPLODES, giving him a distracting hot foot,
    then --


    ON WINDOW

    Through it -- amidst a cloud of yellow dust -- CRASHES
    the sand worm. Barbara rides him bareback. Barbara
    struggles to control the ROARING worm. She pulls on
    his ears and looks around for Beetle Juice. Seeing
    him, she spurs the Worm after Beetle Juice.


    ANGLE

    Beetle Juice struggles, trying to run from the worm.
    But Barbara and the worm outmaneuver him, corner him,
    and when the worm reaches him, he opens his hungry
    mouth and gulps Betelgeuse in one mouthful.

    BETELGEUSE
    Rrrrat shit!
    TB
    ANGLE

    Barbara leaps off, as the Sand Worm continues down
    through the floorboards of the house

    Betelgeuse is gone. Adam is back to full size.
    Charles and Delia are no longer held by the sculptures.
    Lydia runs back to her family and Adam and Barbara.
    The dust settles.


    ON HOLE - JUNO

    peers into the room. She pulls the whores through the
    hole.

    FADE OUT.

    FADE IN:
    Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Fantasy"]

    Summary In the model town graveyard at night, Betelgeuse summons a carnival-like setting and attacks the Maitlands' friends and family to force Lydia to marry him. The Maitlands try to intervene, but Betelgeuse grows too powerful. In the end, Barbara rides a sand worm to the house and feeds Betelgeuse to it, putting an end to his menacing presence.
    Strengths
    • Innovative concept
    • Engaging plot
    • Well-developed characters
    • Witty dialogue
    • Intense conflict
    • Emotional depth
    Weaknesses
    • Complexity of supernatural elements
    • Some scenes may be too dark or intense for sensitive viewers

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging, combining humor, horror, and fantasy elements effectively. It keeps the audience on edge with its dark and surreal tone while providing moments of amusement.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of a demonic wedding ceremony, the use of a sand worm, and the carnival-like atmosphere are innovative and captivating. The scene effectively blends horror, comedy, and fantasy elements.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is intense and fast-paced, with high stakes and a sense of urgency. The conflict between the characters and the resolution through a unique showdown with Betelgeuse drive the narrative forward.

    Originality: 9

    The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to supernatural themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the unique atmosphere of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-developed and play crucial roles in the scene. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the story and contribute to the overall tension and humor.

    Character Changes: 7

    Several characters experience changes during the scene, such as Adam and Barbara regenerating, Lydia's fear and bravery, and Betelgeuse's defeat. These changes contribute to the character development and plot progression.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to save the Maitlands and protect her family from Betelgeuse's manipulations. This reflects her deeper desire for connection and belonging, as well as her fear of losing her loved ones.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal is to defeat Betelgeuse and restore order to the supernatural world. This reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming a powerful and manipulative force.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between the characters, the high stakes of the demonic wedding ceremony, and the showdown with Betelgeuse create intense and suspenseful moments, driving the scene forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Betelgeuse posing a formidable challenge to the protagonist and creating uncertainty about the outcome. The audience is kept on edge.

    High Stakes: 9

    The high stakes of the demonic wedding ceremony, the threat of Betelgeuse, and the characters' fates hanging in the balance create a sense of urgency and tension throughout the scene.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving the conflict with Betelgeuse, advancing the plot with the demonic wedding ceremony, and setting up new challenges for the characters.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns, such as Betelgeuse's transformations and Lydia's incantation. The audience is kept on their toes.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Betelgeuse's selfish and manipulative nature and Lydia's selfless desire to protect her family. This challenges Lydia's beliefs in loyalty and sacrifice.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to excitement and amusement. The characters' struggles and the high stakes add emotional depth to the narrative.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is witty, dark, and humorous, reflecting the tone of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations while adding to the overall atmosphere.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, supernatural elements, and high stakes. The conflict between characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


    Critique
    • The dialogue between Betelgeuse and Lydia is a bit too simplistic and repetitive. It could be more dynamic and engaging.
    • The action in the scene is a bit slow and predictable. It would be more exciting if there were more unexpected twists and turns.
    • The ending of the scene is a bit too abrupt. It would be more satisfying if there were more of a resolution to the conflict between Betelgeuse and the Maitlands.
    • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve, or what the stakes are.
    • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose. It would be more effective if it were more subtle and nuanced.
    Suggestions
    • Add more depth and complexity to the dialogue between Betelgeuse and Lydia.
    • Increase the pace of the action and add more unexpected twists and turns.
    • Give the scene a more satisfying resolution by adding more conflict between Betelgeuse and the Maitlands.
    • Clarify the purpose of the scene by giving the characters a clear goal and raising the stakes.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more subtle and nuanced.



    Scene 42 -  Lydia's Arrival and the Maitland House Dilemma
    EXT. MAIN STREET - WINTER RIVER - A BRIGHT DAY

    BIRDS SING. Ernie polishes the lion. Old Bill sleeps.
    People stroll.


    EXT. MISS SHANNON'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY

    A lovely white boarding school with long, green lawn.
    A BELL RINGS. Girls come out the front door. Say
    goodbyes. Lydia walks out too, carrying books.

    LYDIA
    'Bye, Serena. See you later.

    Lydia walks along Main Street of Winter River.


    EXT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE

    Jane is getting out of her car -- Little Jane follows.

    JANE
    Hellooo! How's school?

    LYDIA
    (not particularly
    interested)
    It's okay. How's the dirt
    business?

    JANE
    Well, I'm expecting a call from
    your parents. I have some news
    for them.
    TB
    Jane hears PHONE RING from inside, rushes in to answer it.

    LYDIA
    Tell them I'll call them tonight.


    EXT. MAIN STREET - WINTER RIVER - A BRIGHT DAY

    Ernie polishes the lion. Lydia passes.

    LYDIA
    Don't forget the balls, Ernie.

    He looks around, surprised.


    INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE

    Jane screams into the phone.

    JANE
    What do you mean no? After all
    I've done for you. I don't do
    this for my health you know.

    CAMERA EXPLORES a row of photographs of houses for
    sale.

    ON PHOTOGRAPH -- of the old Maitland house. It is
    delapidated and haunted-looking. A legend reads:
    Fixer-Upper's Special."

    BACK TO JANE -- she is frustrated.

    JANE
    I have here a bona fide offer of
    $250,000.00 for that dump.

    Little Jane is now at the Xerox machine. The NOISE
    irritates Big Jane and she throws a wad of paper at
    Little Jane. Little Jane gets mad and throws her
    papers into the air and exits.


    INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY

    We recognize the furniture. It's the Deetzes'. Delia
    is on the phone to Jane. Charles comes in with the
    Wall Street Journal. He fidgets, taps his fingers, as
    he reads and pours coffee -- all at once.

    DELIA
    (whisper to Charles)
    It's Mrs. Butterworth again.

    Charles picks up the extension.

    CHARLES
    TB Listen to me, Jane. We don't want
    anyone looking at the house. We
    don't want it painted, the yard
    mowed, the trees trimmed, nor do
    we want it termite inspected.
    It's not for sale.


    INT. JANE'S STORE - DAY

    Jane listens. Silent. Thinking.

    JANE
    Well. Okay for now. When will
    you sell it?


    INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY

    DELIA
    (smiles)
    Never, honey. Never.

    She hangs up. Looks at Charles.

    DELIA
    (continuing)
    Some people never know when to
    leave things the way they are.

    Charles smiles.


    INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

    SOUND OF SWEEPING -- CAMERA eases up -- Barbara is
    sweeping. Adam working on his model.

    ADAM
    What time is it?

    BARBARA
    3:30 I guess.

    ADAM
    Give or take a year.

    Barbara smiles.

    The KITCHEN DOOR SLAMS. Barbara looks up at Adam.
    They smile.

    ADAM
    Did you get the paint?

    LYDIA'S VOICE
    I got it. And I took pictures of
    the new church for you, too.
    TB BARBARA
    How'd you do on the science test?

    ON LYDIA

    LYDIA
    (hangs her head)
    It was gross. They wanted me to
    dissect a frog. I told them no
    way. I said it was against my
    religion. I got a C.

    Adam frowns a little.

    BARBARA
    How did you do on the math test?

    Lydia looks down coyly.

    ADAM
    We studied all day yesterday.
    Don't tell me...

    LYDIA
    I got an A!

    They grin with pride.

    LYDIA
    (continuing)
    So can I?

    ADAM
    (shaking his head)
    Uh-uh. Only if you got above a C
    on science.

    LYDIA
    Oh, go on...

    BARBARA
    Oh, Adam, don't tease her. You
    never got an A in science in your
    life!

    ADAM
    All right.

    ON LYDIA -- she puts down her books. Loosens her
    collar, ruffles her hair and waits.

    ADAM
    (continuing)
    Okay.

    Lydia looks down. Lydia begins to levitate.
    TB
    She lifts her head and leaves the white bread world
    behind! In a voice as deep and soulful as Percy
    Sledge:

    LYDIA
    "When a man loves a woman.
    He can't keep his mind on nothin' else."

    Behind her ghostly images of the football players
    appear as back-up.

    FOOTBALLERS
    Oooooo. Hummm oooooo.

    LYDIA
    He'd change the world for the good
    thing he's found. When a main
    needs a woman, He cain't keep his
    mind on nothin' else. If she's
    bad, he won't see it, she can do
    no wrong.

    MUSIC CONTINUES OVER:


    ANGLE

    A great pile of sand with the whorehouse in the
    middle. An irritated Betelgeuse crawls out on the
    roof. Hating the singing he shakes his fist at the
    sky -- loses his footing and tumbles into the sand.
    Terrified, he scrambles to get out.


    ON PILE

    A moving coil under the sand sends him scurrying inside
    again. The Sandworm SNAPPING right behind him as he
    runs back out on the roof.


    ANGLE

    CAMERA TILTS UP to see house. It is the perfect, New
    England house. CAMERA PULLS BACK from the model -- out
    the window of the real house.

    Outside the real house -- we see it is dilapidated, and
    undeniably, the perfect haunted house.

    FADE OUT.
    Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Horror"]

    Summary The scene opens on Main Street of Winter River, where Ernie polishes a lion statue and Lydia meets Jane Butterfield. Lydia reminds Ernie to polish the balls of the lion statue, and Jane gets frustrated during a phone call. The conversation over the phone reveals that Jane is trying to sell the Maitland house, but Delia and Charles refuse to sell it. The scene ends with Lydia levitating and singing, and the camera showing the dilapidated Maitland house in contrast to a perfect New England house model.
    Strengths
    • Innovative concept
    • Engaging plot twists
    • Well-developed characters
    • Witty dialogue
    • Emotional depth
    Weaknesses
    • Complexity of multiple storylines
    • Some elements may be confusing for the audience

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene is highly engaging and entertaining, with a mix of humor, suspense, and fantastical elements that keep the audience intrigued.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of a carnival-like chaos caused by Betelgeuse and the ghosts, along with the aging effects and supernatural elements, is innovative and captivating.

    Plot: 8

    The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, with multiple storylines converging to create a chaotic and entertaining narrative.

    Originality: 9

    The scene introduces a fresh take on family relationships and the supernatural, blending humor with heartfelt moments. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters, especially Betelgeuse, Lydia, Adam, and Barbara, are well-developed and add depth to the scene with their unique personalities and interactions.

    Character Changes: 7

    Several characters, especially Lydia and Betelgeuse, undergo significant changes and developments during the scene, adding depth to their arcs.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Lydia's internal goal is to prove herself academically and gain approval from her family. She wants to excel in school and make her parents proud.

    External Goal: 7

    Lydia's external goal is to convince her family to sell the haunted house. She wants to improve their financial situation and move on from the burden of the property.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and adding tension to the story.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lydia facing resistance from her family regarding the haunted house. The conflict adds tension and complexity to the narrative.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, personal dilemmas, and the consequences of their actions.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and character dynamics that propel the narrative towards its climax.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable due to the levitating moment and the unexpected twist with Lydia's performance. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of holding onto the past versus embracing change. Lydia's family is resistant to selling the haunted house, symbolizing their attachment to tradition and nostalgia.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to suspense to melancholy, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, adding to the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, drama, and supernatural elements. The characters are compelling, and the dialogue is witty and entertaining.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

    Structure: 8

    The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and transitions flow smoothly, engaging the audience.


    Critique
    • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
    • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
    • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, which makes it difficult for the reader to engage with.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, and could be improved by adding a sense of closure.
    Suggestions
    • Cut down on the unnecessary dialogue and exposition.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
    • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene.
    • Rewrite the ending of the scene to provide a sense of closure.