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Scene 1 -  Preparing for the Unknown
EXT. BARRENMOUNTAINOUS
REGION -- DUSK
The sky glows deep crimson as the sun starts to sink below the
horizon, casting shadows over •••
A small group of native people, clad in animal skins, congregat
outside a remote cave. Their heads reverently bowed, while--
PARSONSTAFFER
And the monsters descended from the sky,
raising a great cloud of dust killing
all men, but for a very few •••
Bis gaze sweeps across the youngsters, drilling into their heads
PARSONSTAFFER (cont'd)
As survivor~, we must
dedicate our lives
to pleasing the gods, so they may return
and drive away the monsters.
Turns a sharp eye back to Jonnie, but still addressing the child
PARSONSTAFFER (cont'd)
.~nd arrogance does not please the gods.

Bis rugged frame clothed in a puma hide, a kill-club hanging frOll
his belt. And although only nineteen, JONNIE, already has the
look of someone who has already overcome a lifetime's worth of
adversitv. Be immediatelv turns to Chrissv. ·
PARSONSTAFFER
Finishes chanting up to the heavens.
PARSONSTAFFER
••• May you chase away the monsters and
lead 'JS back to the lands of plenty.
The clan c~oses ~heir eyes in silent prayer. All except for--
cmussy

aer teenage cc~ntenance offset by the maturity in her strong dark
eyes.
EXT. CAVE-- A LI'ITLE :..ATER
The parson shakes his head as Jonnie secures an animal-skin sleep
roll and extra kill-cl~s to h~s snow-white horse, WINDSPLI'l'TER.

PARSON.STAFFER
This is not what your mother wanted.

The parson's ancient face burns with religious fury as he drills
his stare into Jonnie.
JONNIE
My mother wanted what was best for the
tribe. And as long as we stay here,
there will barely be enough to eat.
eewv::r·-··




JONNIE (cont'O)
While there may be other places~ could
live where the food is more plentiful.
PARSONSTAFFER
It is true that food is scarce, and
everyone appreciates your desire to help,
but I can't help wonder if there isn't
.more to why you want to go out there •••

Be lets that hang there,
then gives Jonnie a pointed look--
PARSONSTAFFER (cont'd)
But all it would take is for one monster
to see you, and follow you back, and we
would all be struck down.
Jonnie meets his rage with ca.l.n, dzter=.ina~ion.
JONNIE
Save you ever seen a monster?
Be turns to the rest of the clan, challenging--
JONNIE (cont'd)
Bas anyonehere ever seen a monster?
And if he has any doubt in his voice,
---
Jonnie does a good job of
hidinq it. Be hoes onto Windsclitter and takes off---
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary A native tribe led by Parsonstaffer huddles outside a cave as he recounts the tale of monstrous beings that wiped out their ancestors. Parsonstaffer emphasizes the need for devotion to appease the gods and prevent a similar fate. Jonnie, harboring doubts about the existence of monsters, questions their teachings. Despite the risks, he decides to leave the tribe on a quest to find a better life, accompanied by his loyal horse, Windsplitter.
Strengths
  • Strong world-building
  • Compelling conflict
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Pacing could be tightened in certain areas

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and introduces the main characters in a compelling way.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a post-apocalyptic world where survivors must please gods to drive away monsters is engaging and sets up a rich world for the story to unfold.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the conflict between tradition and progress, setting up a compelling narrative arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and cultural elements, such as the tribe's beliefs in gods and monsters, which add authenticity and depth to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jonnie and the Parsonstaffer are well-defined and their conflicting motivations add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie's defiance towards tradition and his determination to explore new lands show a potential for character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal in this scene is to seek a better life for himself and his tribe by exploring new lands with more plentiful food. This reflects his desire for growth, progress, and a better future for his people.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal in this scene is to convince the parson to allow him to explore new lands for better food sources. This reflects the immediate challenge of scarcity and survival faced by the tribe.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jonnie's desire to explore new lands and the Parsonstaffer's adherence to tradition creates a tense and engaging dynamic.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the parson representing the traditional beliefs and caution that oppose Jonnie's desire for exploration and progress.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of monsters and the potential consequences of defying tradition.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict and setting up the characters' motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the uncertain outcome of Jonnie's decision to explore new lands and the potential consequences of encountering monsters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between tradition and progress, as the parson represents the tribe's adherence to old beliefs and caution, while Jonnie represents the desire for exploration and change. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of hope, doubt, and fear, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension between Jonnie and the Parsonstaffer, as well as the internal conflict within Jonnie.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between characters, the high stakes of survival, and the protagonist's determination to seek a better life for his tribe.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene sets up a mysterious and intriguing atmosphere with the group of native people gathered outside a cave at dusk, but it lacks depth in character development and dialogue.
  • The dialogue between Parsonstaffer and Jonnie feels a bit cliched and lacks nuance, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their motivations.
  • The conflict between Jonnie and Parsonstaffer could be more subtly portrayed, with more subtext and tension to create a more compelling dynamic between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and create a stronger sense of atmosphere for the audience.
  • The transition from the conversation between Parsonstaffer and Jonnie to Jonnie mounting Windsplitter and taking off feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the characters by exploring their motivations and backstories in a more nuanced way.
  • Work on crafting dialogue that is more authentic and unique to each character, avoiding cliches and predictable interactions.
  • Focus on building tension and conflict between the characters to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting to immerse the audience in the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Refine the transitions between different moments in the scene to improve the pacing and flow of the narrative.



Scene 2 -  Jonnie's Farewell and Journey
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE RAVIN;: -- CONTINUOUS.

u Jonnie
CBRISSY
heads down the· hill, turning a bend·, where--


Sits waiting for him on her horse, which like Windsplitter, is
loaded with an animal-skin sleeping roll and kill-clubs.
Jonnie smiles, impressed by Chrissy's mettle. But shakes his
head.
JONNIE
tfinishing hll thought)
--I think you can handle yourself better
than most men••• Which is why·you must
stay and look after your younger
brothers.
Chrissy looks at him, chagrined. It's hard to argue with that.
A tough beat. Nothing left but to say good-bye •••
And finally, struggling to keep her face a mask, Chrissy removes
a shiny MEDALLION hanging from her neck.
CHRISSY
This was given to me by my father when he
died. Be received it from his father.
(trying to hold
back the emotions)
I'm not giving it to you. I'm lending
it. So, you better not let anything
happen to you out there •••
She places the medallion around his neck, their bodies close
not touching. So much not being said •••
The tribe's children race alongside Jonnie, excited by the
adventure he's going on. But secretly terrified by the death
they've been taught awaits him •••
The young ones obediently stop at the bridge. They will not
cross it. But Jonnie does, leaving the'tribe behind.
Chrissy's mask starting ~o crack as she watches him disappear
The first of the tears escaping down her cheeks.

EXT. VALLEY-- DUSK
As night falls, Jonnie rides across wide open plains. Bis eyt
t~nse, seai:ching the gathering darkness for the first sign of
And he suddenly freezes. Seeing his first ever •••
STAR
Bovering majestically overhead. Soon joined by other stars.
Jonnie stares up in wonderment at these heavenly lights.
EXT. PRAIRIE -- SeyERAL
DAYS
LATER
Jonnie steals through the grass, throwing his kil~-club with
blurrinq speed at an unsuspectinq ANTELOPE.
EXT. FOREST-- DAYSLATER
Jonnie rides through a grove of conifer trees, the strips of
dried meat now hanging from his sleeping roll, when he suddenl
stops windsplitter and silently dismounts--
careful not to make the slightest sound, Jonnie slips behind c
ROCKFORMA1'ION
Pulling his kill-club, Jonnie carefully peers out through a th
tangle of brush,

EXT. TOWN
-.. DAY
Jonnie and Windsplitter move through a deserted housing develo
passing TREES which grow up through the sidewalks and streets.
A faded piece of PAPER flutters by. Jonnie picks it up.
Be can just make out a picture of a woman in a bra. The first
time Jonnie has seen a photo, let alone women's undergannents.
More paper litters the ground nearby. Jonnie heads to them,
passing a rusted TRAIN abandoned on its tracks.
Windsplitter abruptly stops. Nostrils flaring. Eyes on a BOO
The door knocked off its hinges. Windows shattered. Jonnie
pulls his kill-club and silently shoos Windsplitter away.
Kill-club at the ready, Jonnie cautiously approaches the house,
when suddenly--
A WU:ZZLY BEAR

Rockets out the front door, barreling after--
Jonnie, .who bolts away, desperately trying to outrun his dez
pursuer. Seeking higher ground, Jonnie races to the--
Train, and scrambles up the side of a rail car, then spins l
Genres: ["Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Jonnie sets out on a perilous journey with a medallion from Chrissy, enduring the wilderness and confronting a grizzly bear before reaching a desolate town.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling plot development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character development could be deeper

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main character's journey, introduces high stakes, and creates a sense of tension and emotion that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a young man leaving his tribe to seek a better life is compelling and sets the stage for a classic hero's journey.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear goals, obstacles, and a sense of progression as Jonnie embarks on his journey and faces immediate challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements like the use of kill-clubs and animal-skin sleeping rolls, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and their motivations are clear, especially Jonnie and Chrissy, who drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie undergoes a significant change as he leaves behind the safety of his tribe and embraces the unknown challenges ahead.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his worth and bravery in the face of danger, as well as to protect his tribe and loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive in the harsh wilderness and navigate through dangerous situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jonnie's desire for freedom and the dangers he faces creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by the grizzly bear, creates a sense of danger and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Jonnie risks his life to seek a better future, facing unknown dangers and leaving behind everything he knows.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by establishing the main character's journey and the obstacles he will face in the wilderness.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of a grizzly bear and the protagonist's desperate attempt to escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the balance between personal survival and the greater good of the tribe. The protagonist must make sacrifices for the safety of his community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement to sadness, as Jonnie leaves his tribe and sets out on his own.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional and serves to move the plot forward, but could benefit from more depth and nuance to enhance character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action sequences, emotional moments, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, emotion, and tension that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a post-apocalyptic survival narrative, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from the emotional moment between Jonnie and Chrissy to Jonnie riding through the plains feel a bit abrupt. Consider adding a smoother transition to maintain the emotional impact of the previous scene.
  • The introduction of the star as a significant moment for Jonnie could be further emphasized to create a more impactful and symbolic moment in the script.
  • The sudden appearance of the grizzly bear feels a bit cliched and could be developed in a more unique and unexpected way to keep the audience engaged.
  • The discovery of the paper with a picture of a woman in a bra seems out of place and disconnected from the overall tone and theme of the script. Consider integrating this element more seamlessly or reevaluating its relevance.
  • The encounter with the grizzly bear and the abandoned town could be further developed to create a sense of tension and suspense, enhancing the overall pacing and engagement of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the emotional moment with Chrissy and Jonnie riding through the plains to maintain continuity.
  • Enhance the significance of the star moment for Jonnie to make it a more impactful and symbolic scene.
  • Reconsider the introduction of the grizzly bear in a more unique and unexpected way to avoid cliches.
  • Integrate the discovery of the paper with a picture of a woman in a bra more seamlessly into the narrative or reevaluate its relevance to the story.
  • Develop the encounter with the grizzly bear and the abandoned town to create more tension and suspense, improving the overall pacing and engagement of the scene.



Scene 3 -  Encounter in the Mall
EXT. RAIL CARROOF-- CONTINUOUS
:1


The grizzly has stopped chasing him and turns back to her ct
who scamper out of the house to Dlav in the front yard.
MALEVOICE (O.S.)
Good thing she already had her lunch--
Jonnie whirls around with club raised. Coming face to face \
TWO MEN

The one doing the talking, CARLO,is wiry and intense-lookin~
In contrast to his 'built-like-a-brick-shithouse' companion,
we'll call ROCltfor obvious reasons.
But the thing Jonnie probably notices first about the men art
SPEARSthey bo1m have ·aimed at his chest. · ·
carlo motions to the kill-club _in Jonnie's hand.
CARLO(cont'd)
We mean
you no hum, if you mean us no
harm.
Jonnie slowly lowers his weapon, but remains on gu~.
Rock silently d.irec~s his partner's attention to--
WINDSPLI'l'TER

Who grazes near the train, waiting for Jonnie. Both men tak1
note of the antelope-meat Windsplitter carries.
Carlo turns a friendly eye back to Jonnie.
CARLO
You have been fortunate in the hunt.
You should thank the gods.
JONNIE
If I ever see one, I will.
EXT. GROUND NEXTTO '!'BE TRAIN -- MOMENTS
LATER
Jonnie hands strips of dried meat to Carlo and Rock, who
reverently bow their heads, holding the food up to the heaveni
CARLO
The monsters lilce to hunt in the dark.
We better find shelter •••
EXT. SHOPPINGMALL-- A LITTLE LATER
The snow really coming down now. Windsplitter follows our trio
through a white carpeted parking lot, taking shelter inside a--

INT. SHOPPINGMALL-- CONTINUOUS
A brightly decorated plastic CHRISTMASTREE stands among the rea:
trees growing up through the floor. A CD of SILENT NIGBT loops
endlessly from the few speakers in the mall that still work.

STORE-- SECONDFLOOR-- A LITTLE LATER
INT. DEPARTMENT
Our trio head into a department store, but Carlo and Rock freeze
their tracks with sickened expressions.
CARLO
••• Whatever those poor bastards did,
they must have really angered the gods.
Rock silently nods, appalled by the sight of--
lying
MANNEQUXNS broken on the floor. Many of these •frozen
people' missing limbs, not to mention their genitalia. Nearby ••
Jonnie stands, curious, in front of a large plate-glass window tl
makes up an entire wall. Outside, he can see the snow falling, l
when he tries to touch it, an 'invisible force' keeps stopping h:
-.I
ltABI.AM1

In a sudden flash of light, Carlo is hurled back off his feet.
Bis body crashes hard to the ground, twitches once, then falls
deadly still.
And out of the shadows behind Rock steps a truly nightmarish
figure. Like the parson's drawing of the monster, but worse •••
over nine feet tall with glowing amber eyes. Razor sharp talons
on his claws. Thick bone-like structures for eyebrows and lips.
The PSYCBLOaims his BLAST-GUN dead center on Rock and fires--
As Jonnie's KILL-CLUBflies through the air--
ltnocking into the firing weapon, causing the shot to go wide.
Jonnie and Rock take off through the store, bolting through a
maze of aisles which lead them through a doorway--
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Sci-Fi","Horror"]

Summary Jonnie, after escaping a grizzly bear, encounters Carlo and Rock, who share food and discuss the dangers of the dark. They seek shelter in a shopping mall, but are horrified by broken mannequins and Carlo is killed by a monstrous Psycho. Jonnie and Rock flee, leaving Carlo's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Introduction of a new antagonist
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, full of tension, and introduces a new and intriguing threat to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a post-apocalyptic world with supernatural creatures and a group of survivors is unique and captivating.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the PSYCBLO and the characters' need to find shelter from the monsters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique mutated creatures and a post-apocalyptic setting, adding freshness to the familiar survival genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show bravery and resourcefulness in the face of danger, but could be further developed.

Character Changes: 6

Jonnie shows bravery and quick thinking in the face of danger, but there could be more significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and protect himself from the dangers of this world. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to navigate through the dangerous world and find shelter. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the PSYCBLO raises the stakes and creates intense moments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing deadly threats and difficult choices.

High Stakes: 9

The characters' lives are at risk as they face a deadly supernatural creature and must find shelter to survive.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new threat and forcing the characters to make quick decisions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the nightmarish figure and the unexpected turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of survival at any cost versus maintaining one's humanity and morals. Jonnie is faced with the choice of trusting strangers for help or remaining cautious and self-reliant.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and determination in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the characters' struggle for survival.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a post-apocalyptic survival genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a sudden and jarring transition from the previous scene, which can be disorienting for the audience. It's important to ensure a smooth flow between scenes to maintain the narrative coherence.
  • The introduction of Carlo and Rock feels a bit rushed and lacks depth in character development. Consider adding more context or backstory to make them more engaging to the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jonnie, Carlo, and Rock feels a bit stiff and lacks natural flow. Try to make the conversations more dynamic and reflective of each character's personality.
  • The description of the mannequins and the broken bodies is quite graphic and may be too intense for some audiences. Consider toning down the imagery to maintain a balance between setting the scene and avoiding unnecessary shock value.
  • The sudden death of Carlo and the introduction of the monstrous Psychlo could be more effectively built up to create tension and suspense. Consider adding more foreshadowing or hints to enhance the impact of these events.
Suggestions
  • Smooth out the transition between scenes to ensure a seamless narrative flow.
  • Develop the characters of Carlo and Rock further to make them more compelling and relatable to the audience.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of each character's unique voice.
  • Consider toning down the graphic descriptions to maintain a balance between setting the scene and audience sensibilities.
  • Build up the suspense and tension leading to significant events like Carlo's death and the appearance of the monstrous Psychlo for a more impactful storytelling.



Scene 4 -  Escape from the Roof
INT. STAIRWELL-- CONTINUOUS
Our guys sprint up the stairs. The sound of deadly pursuit
getting louder behind them as they burst out onto--

EXT. ROOF-- CONTINUOUS
The only way off the two-story building is to jump. And the
frozen ground below doesn't make thi!! too appealing an option.
.......
- - .




But with the Psych.lo rushing through the doorway behind them,
Jonnie and Rock throw themselves off the side of the building--
EXT. SNOWCOVDED GROUND-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie hits the ground, rolling to his feet--
Rock isn't as fortunate and lands at a bad angle, SNAPPINGhis
on impact. He tries to climb to his feet, but the broken leg
buckles, sending him collapsing back to the snow.
Jonnie turns back to help him--
Be gives a loud whistle and •••

EXT. SHOPPINGMALL-- CONTINUOUS
Windsplitter gallops out of the mall. ·Booves churning up a fll
of snow as he races to Jonnie--
The Psychlo pauses to look down at •••
. ROCK,who trembles in terror. Pleading to the stars overhead-·
. ROCK
••• Belp me please. ·I have l.ived a ·
devoted life •••
But the twinkling lights seem indifferent to his plight.
Jonnie watches helplessly as the Psychlo slams down a lever on
the side of the gun, then aims it down at Rock. KABBLAMJ
A ~aping hole bl~_throu~h Rock's_chest .

...
.. on -·
.. _e s ~-__ -~~ ~ e-c·
......... ...
~r\
_.., r-o .....o~• ,.-..i
_ n ..... ... .. so 1;-
,·""a· ...- ..-e-.,,. ..e
:.: _
~;...r:a~, ....
..y gathers
~he =eins, and :enos -~:~ -~e saadl&. ~eady :o ~ide.

Anc ~!1en ~.e sees •..·nat _ooKs :..:i<e :.;:sect. Thirty :eet :.ong and
-:.e:--. :ee~ t.:...;:-.,:·,,.;e_·:0 :ee1: ::de ::, side •. !\.nd srnoo-:.::. 3itti.ng
.s~arely ::.n t:1e ~.:..ad.:.e or t!1e wide ~ath.


:~ere·s an earsp~:tt:~g =oar!
:on~ie g~ances back, ~o where the ~hing rises three feet
aoove the ground. And ~eves :o.:ward.
;o~~:e passes one corner, ~hen another. The thing fAlling
behind.
He swerves tvindsplitter up a sidestreet, reaches another
corner and again t~r~es. He heads :or the open country.
He can hear the roaring of the thing somewhere beyond the
rubble. He listens, holding his breath. The position of the
roar changing. Shifting to the right.
The thing somehow blocks the street ahead of him and then
goes on, planning to come up behind him.
He is trapped. There is no panic in him now. He slows the
hard pounding of his heart. The thing to do is wait until the
monster is right in the street behind him-then go over that
barricade a fallen building had become.
He sidles Windsplitter back to get a good run.
The thing is roaring down the side oath behind him. Now it is
turning. He glances back. There it ls, wisps of smoke corning
out of its nostrils.
Jonnie put the heel to Windsplitter. ~e yanks.on the lead
rope.·
And sprints at the barricade. Rough and full of loose stones.
Dangerous.
Up they scramble. Rubble slides. But up they go. All the way
to the top. One glance back shows ...
.•. the thing rolling up to the very bottom of the barricade.
But he's over the barr:cade. ~e ~:-:s ~~e street before him at
a run and keeps ~~n~:~9.

Jonnie swerves -:::roug~ ~ cnE:cKerooard -::>f paths, edging to the
open country.
Further and further. ~he buildings thinning. Open country
between two structures to his right. He skids down off the
embankment and races for freedom. Windsplitter puffing.
He strains his eyes, watching.
There it is!
It slides out ~rorn among the buildings and starts straight
toward him.
ts-fl'E5W£F¥9"3:Ff"5:dGWE




And suddenly, there's a SHEET OF FLAME. Ahead ~f him the
right-hand building explodes apart. I~s t~p slides sl~wl¥th
down and into the street anead, blocking it. Spattere wi
dust, Jonnie hauls up short.
He puts the horse ·.:p to a run.
The thing not only closes the distance but starts to pass.
Jonnie swerves at right angles.

The thing banks into a turn and flashes by him, well ahead,
turns and blocks his way.
Jonnie pulls up. He turns around and began to run away from
it.
It let out a blasting roar, scorches by him and again stops,
blocking his way.
Jennie's face tightens into dete.nnination.

Thong solid on his wrist.
Walking Windspli tter, he moves up a.head of the thing. It
doesn't.move. He goes about a hundred feet.in front of the.
thing. It doesn't move. He carefully spots the position of a
slitted eye.
And whirls the kill club. And outs a heel to Windsplitter.
They race straight at the thing.
The kill club, carried with the full speed of the run~~ng
horse, whooshes down straight at the slitted eye.
The crash of impact is deafening.
Jonnie slows beyond the thing. :t had not moved.
He trots Windsolitter back to the original position, a
hundred feet in front of the thing. He turns and makes ready
for a second run.
He touches a heel. ',hndspl: tter ?:..unaes forwa::::-d.

And then a great gout of yellow blooms out from between the
eyes.

Jonnie is struck a blow like all the winds of Highpeak rolled
into one.

Windsplitter catches the full force of it. Up into the air go
horse and rider. Down they come with a shuddering crash,
against the earth.
IN THEDARKNESS:
There's an ethereal, almost otherworldly WAILING. Then a stab of
light and--
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Jonnie and Rock jump off a building to escape the Psychlos. Rock breaks his leg and Jonnie tries to help him, but a Psychlo aims a gun at Rock. Jonnie whistles for Windsplitter, who charges towards the Psychlo. The Psychlo fires, but Jonnie's kill club knocks the gun aside. Jonnie and Rock flee, but the Psychlo blocks their escape. Jonnie lures the Psychlo into a trap and destroys it, but the Psychlo emits a blast that knocks Jonnie and Windsplitter unconscious.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may leave some character motivations unclear

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and emotionally impactful, with high stakes and intense conflict driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival in a post-apocalyptic world, facing deadly monsters, and the theme of courage and determination are well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a strong focus on the chase and confrontation with the monster, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique obstacles and challenges for the characters, such as the rooftop escape and the pursuit by a deadly enemy. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jonnie, show bravery, determination, and quick thinking in the face of danger, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows growth in his bravery and quick thinking as he faces the monster.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and save his friend, Rock, despite the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects Jonnie's loyalty and sense of responsibility towards his companions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape from the pursuing enemy and survive the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jonnie and the monster creates a high level of tension and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a deadly enemy and physical obstacles that challenge their survival. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as Jonnie faces a deadly monster in a fight for survival.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new threat and showcasing Jonnie's resourcefulness in a dangerous situation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and challenges the characters face, as well as the uncertain outcome of the pursuit by the enemy. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between Rock's plea for help and the indifferent response of the universe. This challenges the characters' beliefs in justice and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and desperation, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional moments between the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and the characters' survival.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, suspense, and emotional moments. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows standard formatting for an action sequence, with clear descriptions of the setting, characters, and actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical action sequence structure with escalating tension, obstacles, and a resolution. It effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear and concise descriptions, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the action and setting.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt transitions between actions and locations.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in the scene, making it challenging for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not effectively convey the emotions or motivations of the characters.
  • The action sequences are not well-defined, leading to confusion about the sequence of events and the characters' actions.
Suggestions
  • Provide more detailed descriptions of the setting, characters, and actions to enhance the reader's understanding and immersion in the scene.
  • Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters to create a more engaging and relatable story.
  • Improve the pacing by smoothly transitioning between actions and locations, allowing the scene to flow more naturally.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal the characters' personalities, relationships, and motivations.
  • Clarify the action sequences by clearly outlining the characters' movements, reactions, and the consequences of their actions.



Scene 5 -  Capture and Transport
EXT. ABOVETBE MALL-- DAWN
The shopping mall falls away below as we rise higher and higher
above it. Like a soul returning to heaven •••
But for some reason, we're looking down through prison-like BARS.
REVERSEANGLETO:
Jonnie's face. as he starts to come to. Disorientated, he looks
around. A handful of men stare back at him, each one trying to
hide how terrified they are. And PULLING BACKwe can see •••
Jonnie and the men are imprisoned in a cargo cage suspended from
the underbelly of a--

EXT. PSYCBLOAERIAL TRANSPORT
VEHICLE
Which climbs up vertically into the sky with engines wailing,
then rockets forward with impressive speed.


0 INT. CARGOCAGE -- CONTINUOUS
An icy wind blasts through the cage. But the cold is the least c
Jannie's concern as he spots Carlo lying motionless in the corneI
A pair of young, scrappy-looking twins, MICREYand SAMMY,give Jc
a reassuring look. They shout to be heard over the howling wind-
MICKEY
If the monster's fire-stick doesn't
make a hole in you, you go to sleep.
SAMMY
But you wake-up--
And sure enough, Carlo groggily begins to stir. Relieved to see
Jonnie. But then he looks around for Rock •••

INT. COCKPIT -- AERIAL TRANSPORTVEHICLE -- LATERTBAT DAY
The Psychlo banks the transport vehicle around a mountain,
revealing a massive TRANSPARENTDOMEcovering a large city below.
Getting closer, we can see Mile Bigh Stadium. And behind it, the
distinctive design of Denver International Airport •••.

EXT. DOME-- A LITTLE LATER
The vehicle hovers down, and with the sound of a magnetic field
disengaging, deposits the cage into the back of a flatbed truck.
INT. CARGOCAGE-- MOMENTS
LATER
The Psychlo lumbers in with box-shaped AIR-FILTRATIONUNITS, eacr
with a thin tube attached to it. Be starts to slide one of these
tubes into Jonnie's nose, but Jonnie knocks the creature's paw a~
The Psychlo growls, hurling Jonnie viciously across the cage--
JONNIE
Slams into the bars, sliding down to the floor, where the Psychlc:
unceremoniously jams the tube up Jennie"s nose.
EXT. DOME-- A LITTLE LA1'ER
The Psychlo drives the flatbed-.transport truck with the cargo cagi
it through an ENTRYPORT, complete with maDIDOthair-lock chambers
Jonnie studies everything with the trained eye of a skilled hunte;

INT. DOME-- CONTINUOUS
The dome covering Denver is so enormous, it has its own weather~
And right now, a dark drizzle falls onto the city, which looks
much like it does today, save for two things... ·
A g:;-imy layer of mining soot covers the place. And for some
reason, most of the buildings have been painted purple.

INT. TROCK-- DRIVER'S CABIN -- CONTINUOUS
The Psychlo removes ~he tube from his own nose and leans out the
window, taking a deep, _contented breath •••

INT. CARGOCAGE -- BACKOF TBE TRUCK-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie experiments with removing his own tube ••• But he immediatel
has trouble breathing. Eyes going glassy. Be replaces the tube a
fast as he can. Carlo gives him a pointed look.
EXT. DENVERSTREET -- A LITTLE LATER
The sounds of HEAVY INDUSTRYfill the air as the truck turns down
street, passing a shift of PSYCELOLABORERStrudging off with lune
pails to go work in the mines and smelting plants.
INT. WAREHOUSE
COMPLEX--A LITTLE LATER
The Psychlo backs the truck up to a loading dock and BONKS.
Several GUARDShead over with a PROCESSINGCLERKas the Psychlo
"Buman-Slave Wrangler" swings open the cargo cage.
And now we can see that while this Psychlo is an imposing figure
at nine feet tall, he's actually a bit of a runt. The other
Psychlos are all a good foot or two taller •••
Including the clerk, who takes one look at Jonnie and the others
and drills a hard stare into the undersized Psychlo "wrangler".
- zee;a&UTET"




PSYCBLOCLERK
You're gone three days and you only
caught w of them?!
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Adventure"]

Summary Jonnie awakens inside a cage with other terrified men and is transported to Denver. He finds himself imprisoned with several other men, all terrified. The transport vehicle ascends into the sky towards a transparent dome covering the city, which reveals itself to be Denver. The vehicle lands, and the cage is deposited into the back of a truck. The Psychlos insert air-filtration tubes into the prisoners' noses, which Jonnie initially resists until he has difficulty breathing. The truck enters a dome-covered city that has been painted purple and covered in mining soot. The Psychlos take the prisoners to a warehouse complex, where they are met by a clerk who berates the transport Psychlo for only capturing five prisoners.
Strengths
  • High tension
  • Engaging plot development
  • Introduction of new elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character depth
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, full of tension, and introduces new elements that add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of alien beings, a post-apocalyptic world, and imprisonment adds layers to the story and keeps the audience intrigued.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters are taken to a new location, facing challenges and introducing new conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by incorporating alien creatures as oppressors and highlighting themes of survival and resistance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination and resourcefulness in the face of danger, but there is room for further development.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show adaptability and courage in the face of danger, but there is potential for deeper character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and protect his friends, especially Carlo, in the face of the alien threat. This reflects his deeper need for connection and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to escape from the cargo cage and find a way to fight back against the Psychlos. This reflects the immediate challenge of being imprisoned and facing alien captors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters are in a life-threatening situation and face challenges from the alien Psychlos.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing formidable challenges and uncertain outcomes. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable nature of the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters are imprisoned by dangerous aliens and must find a way to survive and escape.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the shifting power dynamics between the humans and the Psychlos.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between freedom and oppression, as represented by the imprisoned humans and the alien Psychlos. This challenges Jonnie's beliefs in justice and equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and determination in the characters, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is functional, conveying necessary information and emotions, but could be more dynamic and reflective of character personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with well-defined characters and a sense of urgency. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene enhances its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dystopian sci-fi genre, with clear transitions between locations and actions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a dramatic and visually striking image of Jonnie and the men imprisoned in a cargo cage suspended from an aerial transport vehicle. This creates a sense of confinement and impending danger, setting a tense tone for the scene.
  • The introduction of Carlo lying motionless in the corner adds a sense of urgency and concern for the characters, especially as they try to reassure each other in the face of uncertainty.
  • The transition to the cockpit of the aerial transport vehicle provides a glimpse of the vast and advanced city below, adding to the sense of awe and mystery surrounding the setting.
  • The use of air-filtration units and tubes being inserted into Jonnie's nose adds a sense of discomfort and control by the Psychlo, enhancing the feeling of being trapped and at the mercy of their captors.
  • The description of the dome covering Denver and the grimy layer of mining soot creates a stark contrast to the familiar cityscape, emphasizing the alien and oppressive nature of the environment.
  • The interaction between Jonnie and Carlo, as well as Jonnie's struggle with the air tube, adds depth to their characters and highlights the challenges they face in this new and hostile world.
  • The introduction of the Psychlo laborers and the processing clerk further establishes the hierarchy and control within the Psychlo society, setting the stage for potential conflicts and power dynamics.
  • The scene ends with a sense of tension and anticipation as the clerk expresses disappointment in the wrangler for only capturing five prisoners, hinting at potential consequences for their failure.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for Jonnie and the other characters to deepen their characterization and provide insight into their motivations.
  • Explore the psychological impact of imprisonment and captivity on the characters, especially as they navigate the challenges of their new environment.
  • Enhance the descriptions of the setting and atmosphere to create a more immersive and vivid experience for the reader, capturing the unique elements of the alien world they find themselves in.
  • Develop the interactions between the characters to build tension and conflict, as well as opportunities for growth and development throughout the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details and imagery to engage the reader's senses and create a more evocative and immersive reading experience.



Scene 6 -  Jonnie's Escape
INT. CARGOCAGE CONTINUOUS
Jonnie studies the monsters closely, but from his P,o.v., all l
hears is an unintelligible machine-like clicking sound of theiz
alien language. Be turns a questioning eye to Carlo •••

INT. CARGOCAGE -- CONTINUOUS
And even though Jonnie doesn't know what the Psychlos are arguiz
about, he knows one thing. They're not paying him any attentioz
So he moves like a streak out the cage door. Carlo right ·behinc'

INT. WAREHOUSE
COMPLEX-- CONTINUOUS
But the wrangler isn't abou~ to lose any more of his 'cargo' anc
whirls, snatching Jonnie, then lunges for Carlo--
But Carlo manages to twist out of reach of the creature's talons
sprint away through the warehouse. The wrangler pulls his gun.
PSYCBLOCLERK
Don't kill it! We c_an' t use it if it ' s ·
dead--
The wrangler gives him a snide, 'Bow stupid do you think I am?',
look. Jonnie watches from the ground as--
The Psychlo slides a lever above the blast-gun's trigger-guard
into an up position. then takes aim and FI.RES--
Carlo is knocked flat as the blue-bolt slams into him. Bis body
lies motionless, but intact, on the ground.
The Psychlo holsters his fire-arm and scoops up Jonnie. Starts
to toss him back into the caqe but--
Suddenlyrealizes he's no longer in posse~sion of his gun,
Jonnie has the weapon. And is pointing it straight at him. The
wrangler sniggers. The same reaction from the other Psychlos •••
It's like a 'horse' has somehow picked up a gun with its hooves.
Only, Jonnie slides the weapon's lever into the down-position.
The wrangler is no longer laughing. Be reaches down, coaxing
Jonnie as if he was some kind of errant pet •••
PS~CBLOWRANGLER
Come on, boy. . • Gi -.,e me the gun •••
But Jonnie doesn't. So the wrc'ngler lunges for it--
JSABLAMJ
The Psychlo Wrangler stares, stunned at the--
FIST-SIZED BOLE
Blown through his chest. Be collapses, dead before he hits the
ground. The other Psychlos freeze in stunned silence. Then •••
Burst out in hysterical laughter. That has got to be the goddam
funniest ~ng they've ever seen.
With the monsters busy laughing, Jonnie makes a break for it.
Charging through the warehouse complex and out a doorway--

EXT. STREET-- OUT~IDEWAREHOUSE
-- CONTINUOUS
Where he barrels straight into--
'l'ERL

Who unlike the Psychlo laborers, wears a senior officer's unifor
adorned with impressive gold epaulets, denoting "Chief of Securi
Bis ever present assistant, KER, .can't help but snicker at them
collision has splattered over his boss's perfectly pressed attir
But Terl doesn't seem to find it amusing. Be shuts Ker up with·
quick look, then rips Jonnie off his feet--


CJ INT. WAREHOUSE
-- CONTINUOUS
Bolding the filthy 'man-animal' out at arm"s length, Terl marche
inside the warehouse, demanding to·know--
TERL
Who is responsible for allowing this
man-animal to run around unsupervised?!
The clerk immediately points to the dead wrangler.
CLERK
The man-animal shot the wrangler and--
TERL
--I'm a little pressed for time. Save
the 'going-away• jokes for later.
CLERK
No joke, sir. I swear. . The man-
animal somehow got his gun. • And when he
reached for it, the man-animal shot him.
The ot~er Psychlos nod, backing this up. Terl considers this,
then picks the blaster-gun up from the ground •••
And caJroJyhands the weaponto Jonnie.
TERL
(to the clerk)
Show me.
••• Sir?
TERI.
Reach for the gun.
CLERK
But sir. It might shoot me.
TERL
SurE:. It might I And I might
I • I I

suddenly grow a third arm.
CLERK
But I swear, sir, it shot--
Rapidly losing patience, Terl snaps--
TERL
--Any reports filed today still have
my name on it. And you' re out of your
skull if you think I'm going to write
·shot By Han-Animal· as _the cause of
death in the Security Field Report,
unless I see it with my own eyes.. .
. (end of discussion r . .
Thia isn't a request, it's an order.
Knowing he's treacling on dangerous ground, the clerk stares at Te:
CLERJC
••• But with all respect, sir, if I
follow that order, I may get killed.

Terl returns his stare without blinking.
TERI.
The regulations are quite clear.
. (dead serious)
If you refuse to obey the order, it's a
certainty that you will be killed
The clerk swallows hard, then turns to Jonnie and •••
Lunges for the gun, trying to grab it before--
lCABLAKJ

Jonnie blasts a hole through the clerk's chest
Terl stares in disbel~ef. But ~onnie's not finished. A bigger
Psychlo leaps up and charges. Roaring.
Jonnie stumbles backward.
~- t5 -3-- -




An enormous paw blurs in ~he air, coming at him. Talons rake
the side of his face.
Jonnie has the gun in position, and fires at the huge chest.
He punches blast after blast into it, driving him back.
Terl jerks the gun from Jonnie's hands, and sends a swipe
across his chest that sends him crumbling to the ground.
TERL
... Well,:'!! ~e ~a...m.r.ed.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Adventure"]

Summary Jonnie escapes his cage and makes a run for it, with Carlo behind him. The wrangler tries to stop them, but Carlo manages to get away. The wrangler pulls his gun, but a Psychloclerk tells him not to kill Jonnie. The wrangler fires anyway, but Carlo is only knocked unconscious. The Psychlo wrangler tries to pick up Jonnie, but Jonnie has taken the wrangler's gun and shoots him dead. The other Psychlos laugh, and Jonnie makes a break for it. He runs into Terl, who is not amused. Terl demands to know who let Jonnie escape, and the clerk points to the dead wrangler. Terl orders the clerk to show him how Jonnie shot the wrangler, and the clerk reluctantly does so. Jonnie blasts a hole through the clerk's chest. A bigger Psychlo charges at Jonnie, but Jonnie shoots him back. Terl takes the gun from Jonnie and knocks him to the ground.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High stakes
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is action-packed, intense, and full of suspense, with high stakes and a dramatic confrontation between the protagonist and the alien antagonists.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a human fighting against technologically advanced alien creatures in a post-apocalyptic world is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and full of tension, with the protagonist facing escalating challenges and obstacles in his attempt to escape and survive.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique alien creatures, advanced technology, and a tense power dynamic. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with the protagonist showing bravery and resourcefulness, while the alien antagonists are menacing and formidable.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist shows growth and determination in facing the challenges presented by the alien creatures.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and escape from the Psychlos' control. He also shows a sense of defiance and resistance against his oppressors.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to escape from the warehouse and the Psychlos' control.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the alien Psychlos is intense and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist faces life-threatening danger and must outwit powerful alien adversaries.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by placing the protagonist in a dire situation and setting up further conflicts and challenges.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns, unexpected character actions, and the high level of danger faced by the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the oppressive control of the Psychlos and Jonnie's desire for freedom and autonomy. It challenges Jonnie's beliefs about power and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock in the reader, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and the protagonist's struggle for survival. The tension keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a good balance of action and dialogue. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for an action-packed scene in a sci-fi screenplay. It effectively conveys the fast-paced nature of the events.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional action sequence structure with escalating tension and conflict. It effectively builds towards a climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the action sequences and character movements. The transitions between different locations and characters are abrupt and can be confusing for the reader.
  • The dialogue is somewhat stilted and lacks depth. It could benefit from more natural and engaging conversations between the characters.
  • The scene could use more descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting. Details about the surroundings, atmosphere, and character emotions could enhance the reader's experience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with quick shifts between different events. Slowing down the action and allowing for more development of the characters and their interactions could improve the overall flow.
  • The resolution of conflicts in the scene feels abrupt and lacks a satisfying conclusion. Building up tension and resolving conflicts in a more nuanced and impactful way could make the scene more engaging.
Suggestions
  • Provide clearer descriptions of character movements and actions to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more engaging and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Add more sensory details and descriptive language to create a more immersive setting for the scene.
  • Consider pacing the action sequences to allow for more tension and build-up before resolving conflicts.
  • Work on developing a more satisfying resolution to conflicts, ensuring that the stakes are clear and the outcomes are impactful.



Scene 7 -  Arrival at the Denver Mining Site
INT. EMPLOYEEREcnEATION EALL ·-- A LITTLE LATER

A lively joint wher~ a bunch of Psychlo laborers let off steam
playing LASER-BASB. Others consume libations while slapping and
pinching the asses of the female Psychlo wait-staff who pass by.
Terl plops onto a stool at the bar, but before he can order, he's
served a saucepan full of !CE.RBANGO,
a thick oily beverage.
BARTENDER
When the best security chief this planet
ever had is leaving, the least I can do
js buy him a pan of kerbango on the
house.
Terl's eyes slit in suspicion. The bartender shrugs, keeping his
voice casual as he continues •••
BARTENDER (cont'd)
And, of course, I'm sure our little
agreement is still in effect •••
( makir.g sure )
Now that you're leaving, that little
unfortunate incident won't somehow
'magically' appear in my file.
Terl helps himself to. a shot of kerbango, then explains--
TERL (cont'd)
As long as you provided me useful
information, I wouldn't file the report.
(matter-of-fact)
But now that I'm leaving this pitiful
excuse for a planet, you will no longer
be providing me with useful information.
The color drains from the bartender's face. Terl strolls off
chuckling, quite pleased with how fun that was .
.,--,
',

\ _)
INT. INDIGENOUS
LABORPROCESSING
CENTER-- CONTINUOUS
A PSYCHLO
TECHNICIAN,wearing rubber gloves and a germ mask over
face, uses laser-scissors to cut the animal skins off of Jonnie.
The skins get tossed into an INCINERATOR. The technician then
reaches over and yanks Chrissy"s medallion from Jonnie's neck.
Jonnie tries to grab it back, but the technician swats him away
like he was an insect, then holds up the object to see what was
so damn important to the 'llan-animal •••
..
And we can now see Ch=issy' s 'shiny' medallion is a SILVER ooLLA·
PSYCHLOTECHNICIAN
Anyone want this primitive little
trinket?
Nobody does. So the technician tosses it into the incinerator.
As Jonnie watches Chrissy's medallion get consumed by the flames
something deep and dangerous burns in his eyes.

~. DENVER MININGSITE -- CONTINUOUS

A long line of humans, chained to stakes like leashed dogs, hunc
a massive conveyor belt spewing out a const.ant discharge of crue
rocks. The humans separate out the OAR, which they place into--
. Psychlo-sized BASKETS, which wouldn't be too difficult for a
Psychlo to carry, but it's back-breaking work for the ~1unnns
hauling them across a large field to a ...
EXT. 'l'ELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
Psycblo Guards use rod-like devices to prod the slower slaves al
with sinister blasts of raw electricity.
A GROUND
CART
Glides by with Ker at the wheel.
Terl is in the rear, gazing at the humans with the indifference
someone might have driving past a dairy farm full of cows.

EXT. TELEPORTATIONPLATFORM-- THATDAY
With the platform loaded with baskets of ore, an ALARM sounds an
the Psychlos immediately don protective goggles and ear-plugs.
The humans have no such gear to protect them as •••
The BUMof large generators starts to fill the air. Growing
louder as they work-up to full power and there"s suddenly--
An EAR-SPLITTINGexplosion of sound and BLINDINGFLASBof light
as all the baskets of ore on the platform vanish.
A brief moment of quiet respite. Then the deafening roar and
blazing light happens again. And this time •••

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- MOMENTS
LATER
Bundreds of PSYCBLOLABORERSsuddenly appear on the platform,
along with--
DISTRICT MANAGER
ZETE
Who wears the finest of silk suits and carries a solid gold
briefcase. Terl and Ker quickly greet him •••
TERL
Welcome, your Excellency. As this
planet's senior security officer, it
would be my pleasure to expedite your
on-planet clearance through security--
But the District Manager isn't list~ning. Be's staring confused
through the transparent RockYmountains.
dome at the IDQW::CAPped
DISTRICTMANAGER
Does all of Earth look like this?
TERL
••• I'm afraid so.

0 I was told this
DISTRICT MANAGER
planet was ugly •••

Be peers up at a fluffy cloud drifting ac~oss a clear blue sky.
DISTRICT MANAGER (cont'd)
But it's got to be the ugliest crap-hole
in the entire universe!
TERL
I couldn't agree more, sir. Now if
you'll please follow me•••
Be finally manages to get the District Manager through security,
then seizes the opportunity to introduce Ker.
TERL (cont'd)
This is Executive-Assistant Ker. Be's
been fully trained to take-over as
Security Chief, so there'll be no
disruptions with my transfer--
Be takes one last sickened look at the humans, declaring--
DISTRICT MANAGER
We'll be doing the universe a favor by
exterminating the whole lot of them
once we finish mining-out their
miserable little planet.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Terl leaves the employee recreation hall after refusing to keep an incident out of the bartender's file. Jonnie is enraged by the destruction of Chrissy's medallion. Ker and Terl arrive at the Denver mining site, with Terl showing indifference towards the humans. The District Manager, Zate, arrives and expresses his disgust at Earth's appearance and his intent to exterminate the humans.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Intriguing concept
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and sets up a dark and oppressive tone effectively. It introduces new elements and characters that add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of humans being enslaved by alien overlords in a mining operation on Earth is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the mining operation and the arrival of District Manager Zete, setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as Psychlo laborers mistreating humans, teleportation platforms, and laser-scissors, creating a fresh take on dystopian themes.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination and resilience in the face of adversity, but there could be more depth and development.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character growth, particularly in Jonnie's determination to resist the Psychlos, but more development is needed.

Internal Goal: 8

Terl's internal goal is to maintain control and power over his surroundings, as seen in his interactions with the bartender and the District Manager.

External Goal: 9

Terl's external goal is to ensure a smooth transition of power to Ker as the new Security Chief and to impress the District Manager.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the enslaved humans and the oppressive Psychlos is intense and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between characters, power dynamics, and the oppressive system they are part of.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the enslaved humans face brutal treatment and the threat of extermination by the Psychlos.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its depiction of power dynamics and character interactions, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the treatment of humans as inferior beings by the Psychlo laborers, contrasting with Jonnie's defiance and determination to resist their oppression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, determination, and a sense of hopelessness, but could have a stronger emotional impact with more character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is functional and serves the purpose of moving the plot forward, but could be more impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense atmosphere, conflict, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the teleportation platform.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and characters, enhancing the flow of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the lively Employee Recreation Hall to the Indigenous Labor Processing Center without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The actions of the Psychlo technician removing Jonnie's animal skins and medallion are portrayed in a brutal and dehumanizing manner, which may be too graphic for some audiences.
  • The visual of the humans chained to stakes like leashed dogs and hauling baskets of ore across a field is a stark and disturbing image that may be too intense for some viewers.
  • The sudden explosion of sound and light at the teleportation platform is jarring and lacks proper buildup or explanation, leaving the audience confused.
  • The dialogue between Terl and the District Manager lacks depth and complexity, missing an opportunity to delve into the dynamics of power and control between the Psychlos and humans.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Tone down the graphic nature of the actions in the Indigenous Labor Processing Center to make it more palatable for a wider audience.
  • Reconsider the portrayal of the humans as chained and hauling ore, as it may be too intense and dehumanizing.
  • Provide more context or explanation for the sudden explosion at the teleportation platform to help the audience understand the significance of the event.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Terl and the District Manager to add depth and complexity to their interaction, exploring themes of power and control.



Scene 8 -  Branding and Rebellion
INT. INDIGENOUSLABORIDENTIFICATIONSTATION-- CONTINUOUS
A pair of Psychlo guards hold Jonnie down on a steel table as an
IDENTIFICATIONTECHNICIANpresses a--
SEARING-BOTIRON
Into Jennie's a.rm, branding him with an ID npmher. Jonnie stares
the technician in the eye, refusing to acknowledge the pain.
Amused, the technician digs the burning iron harder into Jannie's
flesh. Jonnie's eyes bulge, but he remains steely silent •••
The guards release Jonnie and shove him toward the next station,
then turn and grab the next human slave in line, which is--
MICKEY. The guards drag tne young twin, kicking and screaming, tc
the branding table and pin him down as the technician lowers the
iron toward the trembling youngster's exposed flesh--
Only the iron is no longer in his hands.
Wielding it like a weapon, Jonnie knocks the stunned guards away
from Mickey, then pivots with blurring speed--
Plunging the glowing-hot iron into· the technician's chest.

C, JONNIE
Bow Do You Like It--
As the technician howls in pain, a mass of guards swarm Jonnie,
viciously clubbing him to the ground.

INT. BANKOF DENVER-- LOBBY-- CONTINUOUS
PLANETSBIP'S VOICE (O.S.)
--I'm honored by your visit, your
Excellency.
The obese PLANETSBIPwaddles over, flanked by his smarmy-looking
ASSISTANT. They shake paws with the District Manager, then lead
him across the lobby. Terl and Ker follow •
. DISTRICT MANAGER
.•• Bow do you stand it?
Be motions out a window at a tree-filled park.
DISTRICT MANAGER (cont'd)
Having to spend each day looking out at
all that green. And a blue sky.
PLANETSBIP
Oh no. We make the support staff take
the offices with the views.
(winks)
While we get the go,Qg digs.
Be ushers evervonP. i -n~"' ::a"' ""', on ...........
--:if ibWBii'ti+-Wf):Jff




INT. ELEVATOR
-- CONTINUOUS
And pushes the button for the BASEMENT.The elevator lurches do~
The Assistant Planetship seizes the opportunity to •••
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
I'm sure you'll find it interesting to
know, sir, that we were able to use the
planet's indigenous power-generation
systems. That way we didn't have to
build our own. It was actually m idea.
(basks in the glory of)
And unless I'm mistaken, my idea has
already saved the corporation well over
six-hundred thousand credits--
DISTRICT MANAGER
--I'm afraid you're mistaken.
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
••• Sir?
DISTRICT MANAGER
I don't find it interesting at all.
The Assistant Planetship, crushed, manages a polite nod. Terl
suppresses a smile. Be likes the District Manager's style.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Inside an Indigenous Labor Identification Station, Jonnie and Mickey are branded with identification numbers. Jonnie rebels and injures the technician with the branding iron. The guards then attack Jonnie.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of violence may be too graphic for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, action-packed, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rebellion and survival in a dystopian world is well-executed, with a focus on the struggle against oppressive alien forces.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a strong focus on Jonnie's escape and the introduction of new antagonists, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of oppression and resistance, with unique character dynamics and a vivid portrayal of the power struggle between the guards and the slaves.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jonnie and Terl, are well-developed and their actions drive the conflict and tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie undergoes a significant change as he transitions from a captive to a rebel fighting against the Psychlos.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal in this scene is to resist the dehumanization and pain inflicted upon him by the guards. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom and dignity.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to protect Mickey, another human slave, from being branded by the guards. This reflects the immediate challenge of saving a fellow slave from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with Jonnie facing multiple obstacles and enemies in his escape attempt.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing overwhelming odds and a powerful enemy, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Jonnie risks his life to escape captivity and fight back against his alien oppressors.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges and escalating the conflict between Jonnie and the Psychlos.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden reversal of power dynamics and the unexpected actions taken by the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the oppressive values of the Psychlo guards, who see humans as inferior beings to be controlled, and Jonnie's belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all individuals. This challenges Jonnie's values and worldview, leading him to take a stand against the guards.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anger, and defiance, drawing the audience into Jonnie's struggle.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to reveal character motivations and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, high stakes, and the protagonist's struggle against oppression.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the conflict and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the action.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict, following the expected format for a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a brutal and intense moment of Jonnie being branded with an ID number, which sets a dark and violent tone.
  • The resistance shown by Jonnie in the face of pain adds depth to his character, but the scene could benefit from more insight into his emotions and thoughts during this traumatic experience.
  • The sudden shift to the Bank of Denver lobby with the Planetsbip and District Manager feels disjointed and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the District Manager and the Assistant Planetsbip lacks depth and feels superficial, missing an opportunity to delve into the power dynamics and motivations of the characters.
  • The Assistant Planetsbip's attempt to impress the District Manager with his idea falls flat, as the District Manager dismisses it without much impact.
Suggestions
  • Provide more internal monologue or reactions from Jonnie to showcase his emotional journey during the branding scene.
  • Consider a smoother transition between the intense branding moment and the lighter interaction in the Bank of Denver lobby.
  • Enhance the dialogue between the District Manager and the Assistant Planetsbip to add depth to their characters and the power dynamics at play.
  • Add more substance to the Assistant Planetsbip's idea to make it more impactful and relevant to the overall narrative.
  • Ensure that the scenes flow seamlessly and maintain a consistent tone throughout to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 9 -  Resistance Amidst Oppression
INT. INDIGENOUS
LABORPROCESSINGCENTER-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie, bloody and ·bruised, but alive, hobbles dowrt a ·steel
hallway with the other now branded slaves, when--
The Psychlos open up with BIGB POWERED
BOSES.
A solid stream of water savagely blasts into the defenseless
humans as the Psychlos hose down the dirty man-animals.

INT. BASEMENT-- LATERTBAT DAY
Terl and the other Psychlo executives sits around a conference ti
in a windowless dungeon.of a room which has been painted purple.
DISTRICT MANAGER
••• I will approve additional labor
resources be sent here by end of the
quarter-cycle. And I believe that does
it, except for your long overdue
transfer.
Be turns and offers Terl a friendly smile.
DISTRICT MANAGER (cont'd)
You must be looking forward to getting
off this disgusting excuse of a planet.
TERL
I just want to serve the corporation in
whatever way they deem best, sir.
DISTRICT MANAGER
Very admirable. And you've done a first-
rate job ~ere as L,terim security chief.
TERL
(modestly)
Thank you, sir. I've done my best--

DISTRICT MANAGER
--We've decided to keep you here for
another fifty cycles.
(turning the 'dagger')
With endless options for renewal. The
options, of course, being at Bome
Office's discretion. Not yours.
Terl reacts like he was just given a death sentence. The
District Manager leans forward, giving him a knowing look--
DISTRICT MANAGER(cont'd)
The senator has a lot of friends.

EXT. MINING SITE -- A LI'ITLE LATER
Jonnie, Carlo and the rest of the new 'abductees' are issued
baskets and shoved into line with the rest of the slaves.
Concerned by his friend's batte:ced condftion, ~arlo admonishes.;
CARLO
There's no point in trying to fight
these things. At least not if you want
to keep on ~iving.
JONNIE
Look around you. This ain't exactly
living--
In the background, a ground cart passed by.

INT. ELECTRIC CART -- CONTINUOUS
Ker chauffeurs at the wheel. In the back seat, Terl lowers his
voice, so only the District Manager can hear.
TERL
... Would you please explain to the
senator that if I even had an inkling it
was his daughter, I never would have--
DISTRICT MANAGER
--The senator's exact words to me were,
and I'm quoting, "If that blasted Terl
tries to talk his way o~t of it, have
him vaporized on the spot•.
Leaving Terl with that thought, the District Manager strides up
the platform, relieved to be leaving this crappy little planet.
INT. EMPLOYEE
RECREATION
HALL-- A LITTLE LATER
The place is packed and loud. The newly arrived Psychlo workers
getting plastered on kerbango while losing money paw-over-fist 1
laser bash and other assorted rigged games of 'chance".
Terl storms up to the bar. The bartender looks up, surprised.
BARTENDER
You're still here.
And something suddenly snaps deep inside Terl. Be grabs Ker,
pulling him close, the words coming fast and furious--
TERI..
I can assure you I was not groomed
since birth to get same 'cushy job'
that even a moron like you could
perform! While you were trying to
learn to spell your name, I was being
trained how to conquer galaxies 1 And
doing anything less is a disgrace to my
entire family line--

EXT. DENVER ZOO -- THAT NIGHT

Psychlo guards patrol the Denver zoo, keeping· an eye on the masi
humans locked-up for the night. Inside one of the many cages. . . ,

:r:NT. CAGE-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie, Carlo and several dozen men crowd around a small fire af
GASTRUCKpulls up. A Psychlo guard inserts the truck's giant r
through the bars, but instead of pumping out petrol •••
The hose discharges a green sludge-like food substance into a
trough. Jonnie starts over to the 'dinner', but is stopped by
FLOYD, a hulking brute of a man almost as large as a Psychlo.
FLOYD
You're new, so let me explain how things
work. I eat first. Then my men eat.
Bis GANGsteps forward. All big and dangerous looking.

EXT. ZOOCAGE-- CONTINUOUS
The Psychlo finishes discharging the food and retracts the hose.
From his P.O.V., Jonnie and Floyd's confrontation is unintelligi
like animals "talking" to each other in a zoo, as ..•

INT. ZOO CAGE-- CONTINUOUS
With his gang backing him up, Floyd explains to JoMie--
FLOYD
After we're done, ll there's any food
left, you can have it with the others.
Given how malnourished the 'others' look, it doesn't appear that
there's usually much food left.
. JONNIE
That's how it~ to work.

With blinding speed, Jonnie scoops up a flaming log from the
fire, and before Floyd can react--
Jonnie SLAMSthe club-like wood, full-force, into Floyd's face,
dropping him hard to the ground. Only a moment later •••
Floyd is already back up on his feet.
And other than a bloody nose, he shows no effect from the shot he
just took. Jonnie smashes him again--
. But this time the big brute is ready for it, so all it seems to.
do is just piss him off. Be grabs Jonnie by the throat and
begins to choke the life from him.
Jonnie desperately tries to break-free, but Floyd is too strong.
·Be ~olds Jonnie out at arm's length, preven~ing Jonnie from
getting at him as he continues to brutally.strangle Jonnie.
And with his attacker finally close enough to reach, Jennie's
hand rockets out, pulling the breathins-tube from Floyd'p nose.
Floyd staggers back, struggling to breath. With his eyes going g:
Floyd releases Jonnie and focuses on reinserting the tube as--
Jonnie locks his hands together and swings them like a baseball
bat, delivering a tremendous blow to Floyd's jaw.
Floyd falls to the ground. And this time he stays there, out for
the .count. Jonnie takes mercy on the big man and sticks the tube
back into his nose, then heads over to the trough •••
But realizes evecyone else is holding back, respectfully letting
him eat first. Jonnie shakes his head, declaring--
JONNIE
Evecyone eats at the same time.
The men all rush the trough •••
The slop might be disgusting, but at least it's sustenance. And
PULLINGBACK, we realize we're watching this on •••
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Jonnie endures brutal torture while Terl faces disappointment. Conflict erupts between Jonnie and Floyd over food, prompting Jonnie to assert equality in dining. Terl confronts Ker about wasted potential, while the Psychlos maintain control over their human slaves.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Compelling conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some violence may be too graphic for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, gripping, and sets up a compelling narrative with high stakes and strong emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of humans being enslaved by alien overlords in a dystopian setting is engaging and sets the stage for a thrilling story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, full of action, and drives the story forward with significant developments and challenges for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on the dehumanization of humans by an alien race. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resilience, defiance, and a will to survive in the face of extreme adversity, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes as they face the harsh reality of their situation and fight for their freedom.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and resist the oppression of the Psychlos. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom and justice.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to escape from the labor processing center and find a way to fight back against the Psychlos. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the enslaved humans and their alien captors is intense and drives the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jonnie facing physical and emotional challenges from the Psychlos and other characters. The audience is unsure of how Jonnie will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters fight for their freedom and survival against powerful alien oppressors.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, challenges, and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the dehumanization and oppression of the Psychlos and Jonnie's belief in equality and freedom. This challenges Jonnie's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, desperation, and resilience in the characters, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense action, high stakes, and emotional conflict between the characters. The audience is drawn into the struggle for survival and freedom.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm contributes to the effectiveness of the scene in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dystopian sci-fi genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jonnie and the other branded slaves being hosed down by the Psychlos, which sets a tone of brutality and oppression.
  • The dialogue between Terl and the District Manager in the basement is tense and reveals the power dynamics at play.
  • The confrontation between Jonnie and Floyd in the zoo cage is intense and showcases Jonnie's defiance and determination.
  • The scene effectively portrays the harsh conditions and power struggles faced by the humans under the control of the Psychlos.
  • The visual descriptions of the scene, such as the hose discharging food and the confrontation between Jonnie and Floyd, create a vivid and engaging picture for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jonnie to give insight into his mindset and motivations.
  • Explore the dynamics between the other branded slaves to add depth to their characters and relationships.
  • Provide more context or background information on the Psychlos and their control over the humans to enhance the world-building.
  • Consider adding a resolution or consequence to Jonnie's actions in the scene to show the impact of his defiance.
  • Work on pacing and transitions between the different locations and interactions to maintain a smooth flow of the scene.



Scene 10 -  Betrayal and Manipulation
INT. SECUlUTY HEADQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
A wall full of MONITORSshowing live feeds from all over the dome<
city. On an adjacent wall--
A sign reads: YOUR CBIEP' OF SECURITY IS •••
Ker despondently removes his picture from under the sign, and
with an audible sigh, hammers Terl"s picture back up.
And PULLINGBACKyet again, we realize we're watching this on •••

INT. TERL'S LIVING QUARTERS CONTINUOUS
A lone monitor perched next to a bed, where Terl opens a large--


All neatly packed for what should have been his return home.
Terl almost looks like he's going to cry as he starts to unpack.
But he suddenly stops. Sensing it •••
Bis eyes instinctively going to the monitor, which shows--

INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
- CONTINUOUS
Ker peering out the windows, making sure no one is watching,
before reaching into his. • ...
_________
DESK
Inside the hidden false bottom of a drawer, Ker pulls out of a
SURVEILLANCE PBOTOof a mountain range, and •••
'!'ERL'S DESK


u Deposits the document at the bottom of an"In.:.Basket• on Terl's dE
but suddenly freezes as he can hear someone approaching the door--
Ker dives across the ~oom back to his own desk, snatching-up a
crossword puzzle, which he pretends to be working on as •••
Terl marches in and heads straight to his desk, where he grabs
the surveillance photo. Ker tries to play it cool.
KER
I was wondering when you were.going to
look at that. It ::ame in last week and
I put it straight in your--
TERL
If you're going to lie to me, at least
have the decency .to do a credible job.
(dead serious)
So, I don't look like a complete idiot
for having tried to train you.

Be sharply jabs a talon toward Ker"s secret hiding place. Ker's
face goes death-white. Bow could Terl possibly know?
But then Ker suddenly realizes. Bis eyes probing the room as--
KER
You said we use picto-cameras to spy on
other offices. But under no circumstance
do we spy on our own office!
TERI,
That's right. ~ don't.
(matter-of-fact)
.I do.
(re: the photo)
Start talking.
Given the look in Terl's eyes, Ker decides his best chance is to
come clean, and to do it fast--
KER
The photo's from last week's recon
drone. It shows a glacier that just
split open. It exposed a gold vein •••
'l'erl glances at the photo, then gives Jeer a knowing look.
TERI,
And you were going to wait until after
I transferred to turn it in, so you
could get all the credit for it,
yourself.
lCER
(sheepish nod)
I didn't think you'd mind.
Be regrets it the moment he said it. Braces himself for the
punishment he kn~ mus~.be comi:ng. But surpri~ingly •••
TERI,
I don't mind. Go ahead-and turn it in.
(hands Jeer the photo)
But first, pretend you're not a complete
i:mbecile and check the compo-gradients.
Ker looks down, studying a miniature row of color bars at the
very bottom of the photo. Bis face falls as he realizes •••
KER
The mountain's full of uranium. No
Psychlo can get near it without their
breath-gas exploding.
(despondent)
There's no way to mine the gold--
A HAMMER suddenly nails Ker in the back. dropping him to the fl
Terl swings again. This time harder. Savagely beating Ker--
TERI.
--But What I 12!2Mind Is That You
Betrayed Me over A Lousy Recon Photo!
lCER
But It's WOrthlessl You Just Said So
Yourself!
TERI,
Yesl But You Didn't k.t'~ It Was
Worthless--
I..~-----·· .....
-. es··

-· I
I I
only Ker manages to scramble out of the way at the last minute.
Be grabs the hmmner from Terl and scrambles to his feet--.-
But freezes as Terl ·pulls his BLAST-GUN.

KER (cont'd)
You can't shoot meJ It's against
regulations. I'm not just some man-
animal you can kill for sport--
But Terl reaches for the trigger and ••• Stops. Staring at the
gun, his mind racing •••
Terl's eyes snap to the surveillance photo ••• Then to a ~nitor
showing humans working in the mines ••• Then back to the gun •••
Andit suddenlyconnects for Terl.
Ker mistakes all of this for some cruel pause before his
inevitable execution and continues to plead--
KER
Please! I'll Make It Up To You, I
Swear! Don't Shoot Me--
Terl looks shocked by the very suggesti~n.
TERI,
Shoot you? My most trusted collea9"1:1e?
0
Be holsters his gun and throws a friendly~ around Ker.
TERI.(cont'd)
Of course ~ot. We've got work to do.
Ker clearly has no idea in hell what Terl's talking about, but ai
long as it involves not getting shot, he's all for it.
. TERL (con~'d)
Tomorrow morning, we have to warn the
Planetship about the "mutiny".
KER
••• What •mutiny"?
TERL
The one you're going to pretend is in the
works, like your life depended on it •••
(dead serious)
Because it does.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Ker betrays Terl by planting a surveillance photo of a gold vein in his desk, but Terl discovers it and beats Ker. However, Terl then reveals his plan to have Ker pretend there is a mutiny on the planet to warn the Planetship.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Sudden violence
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, unexpected developments, and strong character dynamics. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal, power dynamics, and consequences is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly through the power struggle between Terl and Ker, setting up future conflicts and consequences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique alien characters, advanced technology, and a complex moral dilemma. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Terl and Ker are well-developed, with complex motivations and conflicting interests. Their interactions drive the scene and add layers to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Both Terl and Ker undergo changes in their relationship and understanding of each other, leading to unexpected consequences.

Internal Goal: 8

Ker's internal goal is to avoid punishment and gain approval from Terl, his superior. This reflects his fear of failure and desire for recognition.

External Goal: 7

Ker's external goal is to uncover valuable resources on a recon photo and avoid being punished by Terl for betraying him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Terl and Ker is intense and drives the scene forward, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, moral dilemmas, and physical threats. The audience is unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of betrayal, power struggle, and potential consequences for the characters raise the tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' shifting motivations and unexpected twists in the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty and self-preservation. Ker must decide whether to betray Terl for personal gain or remain loyal to him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and desperation, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' true intentions and emotions. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The dialogue and actions keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting follows the expected format for a sci-fi thriller screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution. It effectively conveys the characters' goals and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with multiple locations and actions that don't seem to connect seamlessly.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the characters.
  • The transition between Terl's living quarters and the security headquarters is abrupt and disjointed, causing confusion for the audience.
  • The scene contains unnecessary details and actions that do not contribute to the overall plot or character development.
  • The tone of the scene is inconsistent, shifting between moments of tension and moments of confusion.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the scene to have a clear objective and progression of events.
  • Develop the dialogue between Terl and Ker to be more engaging and reflective of their characters' motivations.
  • Improve the transition between different locations to create a smoother flow of the narrative.
  • Trim down unnecessary details and actions to keep the scene concise and impactful.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to enhance the overall atmosphere and engagement.



Scene 11 -  The Riderless Horse
EXT. RAVINE-- DUSK
The setting sun casts a shadow over CHRISSY, who sits on a rock,
keeping a hopeful eye on the far side of the ravine. We get the
feeling she spends a lot of time on that rock, watching and wait:
A Wr1'BERED BANDgrips her shoulder. She turns around to face thi
Parson, who gives Chrissy a concerned look--
PARSON
Be's been gone over three months.
(the grim reality)
If the monsters didn't get him, he would
have been back by now--
Chrissy whirls back to the ravine with a relieved smile. But
there's nothing there. Only now we can here it •••
The feint sound of GALLOPINGBOOFS. Growing louder as--
A flash of white is now visible on the far side of the canyon.
Rocketing up the incline and over the drawbridge and •••
Chrissy's smile instantly evaporates as she realizes Windsplitter
is returning riderless.

INT. DENVERSHOPPINGMALL-- TBE NEXTMORNING
The Planetship and his Assistant are stretched-out on CB.AISE-
LOUNGES. But right now the Planetship looks anything but relaxec
Across from him, Terl and Ker sit on a chaise-lounge next to a
sun-lamp. Terl and Ker have concerned looks on their faces.
'l'ERL
••• And if this worker revolt takes
place, my informants tell me the ~irst
order of business will be to separat~
you from your head. ·
PLANETSBIP
Which is why there will be no mutiny!
(panic in his voice)
I'm authorizing you to use whatever
means necessary to stop it.
Terl nods, so far so good. Then continues •••
TERL
Our best chance to prevent th.is mutiny is
to increase profits. So we don't have to
keep cutting the worker's pay.
PLANETSBIP
Production equals profits. And I'm
already bringing in as many new workers
as possible to boost production.
TERL
But we have to pay those new workers.
The Assistant Planetship gives Terl a snide look.
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
Maybe you were absent the day they
taught economics at the academy Terl
(scoffs) ' •
But nobody works for free.
TERL
Man-en~ma1s do.
A WAITRESSin ·1ow-cut garb slinks over with a tray of drinks, bu1
the Planetship waves her off, keeping his attention on 'l'erl.
TERL (cont'd)
We already use them for manual labor ••.•
What if we could train them to take-on
certain additional duties? Like
·operating mining machines.
(quickly adds)
That way we can boost production
without increasing expenses.
The Planetship and his Assistant wait for the punch-line. But
there isn't one. So they roar with laughter.
PLANETSBIP
Han-animals operate a machine?! Save
you blown a head-gasket?!
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
It's hard enough to keep them from
peeing on the carpet. But mining?!
PLANETSBIP
I'd be the laughing stock of the entire
universe •
. Exactly what Terl was hoping he'd ~ay.
TERL
Which is why you should have me take
some man-animals and equipment out to a
remote area. It's better you don't know
where. • • And I' 11 try to train them.
(nonchalant shrug)
Save them do some test-mining. That way,
if it doesn't work out, no one will know.
PLANETSB.IP
And if it does work, I'll be vaporized.
It's against the law to train an--
TERL
--According to Regulations: Volume 989,
Article 34-A, Paragraph 19 ••• A
Planetship faced with a profit-
threatening situation, such as a mutiny,
is relieved of any and all lesser
ordinances in the pursuit of protecting
said profits.
The Planetship chews on this. Be can't argue with the logic.
But shakes his head anyway, abruptly declaring--
PLANETSBIP
we stick to the original plant Bring in
more workers and they go on half-pay as
soon as they arrive. And that's final!
And before anyone can say anything--
The Planetship JUMPS OF!" the third floor railing. And nobody
seems the least bit surprised by this. Probably because •••
The first two floors have been turned into a Psychlo-sized swi.mm.:
pool. But instead of water, it's filled with an oily fluid. ThE
Planetship rubs the sludge into his fur, squirming in delight.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Chrissy anxiously waits for her friend's return on a rock, only to be disappointed when the riderless horse, Windsplitter, arrives. The Planetship fears a worker revolt and considers using man-animals to increase production. Despite initial skepticism, the Planetship decides to bring in more workers and cut their pay instead.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Engaging plot
  • Strong character motivations
  • Tense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be predictable
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, engaging, and sets up a high-stakes situation for the characters. The mix of genres and the development of conflict make it compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using man-animals as slaves, training them for mining, and the protagonist's escape attempt are innovative and drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear goal for the characters and escalating tension. The escape attempt adds excitement and urgency to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as man-animals and mining machines, offering fresh perspectives on labor relations and societal structures. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, fear, and rebellion, which adds depth to the scene. Their actions drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show resilience, defiance, and a willingness to fight back, leading to some development in their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Chrissy's internal goal is to find Windsplitter and bring him back safely. This reflects her deep desire for companionship and loyalty, as well as her fear of loss and abandonment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent a worker revolt and increase profits. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining control and stability in the face of potential rebellion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the oppressive Psychlos, and the high-stakes escape attempt creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of the oppressive Psychlos, the risk of rebellion, and the challenge of survival.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the protagonist's escape attempt and introducing new challenges and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, character decisions, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of using man-animals for labor and the pursuit of profits at the expense of workers' well-being. This challenges the protagonist's values and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and determination in the characters, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions. It adds to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, high stakes, and witty dialogue. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and action sequences. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and interested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Chrissy waiting for her friend, but the transition to the Planetship and his Assistant discussing the worker revolt feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Terl and the Planetship lacks depth and complexity, coming across as simplistic and lacking in subtlety.
  • The concept of training man-animals to operate mining machines is introduced in a way that feels forced and unrealistic, detracting from the overall believability of the scene.
  • The humor injected into the dialogue between Terl and the Planetship feels out of place given the serious nature of the conversation about worker revolts and profits.
  • The scene ends with the Planetship jumping off the railing into an oily fluid pool, which feels like a random and unnecessary detail that doesn't add to the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between Chrissy waiting and the conversation between Terl and the Planetship.
  • Develop the dialogue between Terl and the Planetship to add depth and nuance, making their conversation more engaging and realistic.
  • Revisit the concept of training man-animals to operate mining machines to make it more plausible within the context of the story.
  • Adjust the tone of the scene to ensure consistency and avoid jarring shifts between serious topics and humor.
  • Consider removing the detail of the Planetship jumping into the oily fluid pool, as it doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot.



Scene 12 -  Escape and Intrigue
EXT. RAVINE-- CONTINUOUS
Under the glow of first-light, Chrissy rides Windsplitter down tc
THE DRAWBRIDGE
Which the sentries hold in a raised position, preventing her fra
leaving. They do this under the supervision of the Parson.

She throws the club with perfect aim, knocking open--
THE CATCH
On the pulley mechanism allowing the rope to unwind, lowering the
bridge. And before anyone can react--
Chrissy gallops Windsplitter like a shot across the bridge,
disappearing at full-tilt down th, hillside.

EXT. DENVER STREET -- TBE NEXT MORNING . .

A cold and brutal Psychlo march song plays over loudspeakers as e
long line of exhausted and freezing humans a.re escorted at gun
point out to the mines. In the rear of the procession •••
The young twins, Mickey and Smnmy, work their way over to Jonnie.
SAMMY
We hear you're planning a break-out.
MICKEY
Count us in--

A Psychlo thtusts Jonnie forward with the butt of a gun, keeping
him moving with the parade of human misery passing by--
TERI. AND KER

Who enjoy their breakfast out on the heated patio of the Senior
Officer Mess Ball.
TERL
I did some research on man-animals last
night. They actually possessed certain
primitive technical abilities •••
(beat)
Surprisingly, they even managed to fire
a crude probe into space.
Be slaps a picture of PIONEER ONE onto the table. Jter shovels
yellov meat into his mouth as he eyes the photo, dubious.
KER
Bow do we know it came from man-animals?
() _____
'·, .... /
TERI,
Because they were stupid enough to put a
plaque on it with pictures of themselves.
One of our deep-space recons picked it
up. And here's the kicker •••
Be points to the plaque visible in the photo.
TER.L (cont'd)
The plaque was made from a rare metal
that• s worth a clanking fortune. And in
addition to their pictures, the man-
animals also included full directions to
their planet. That •s how we came here •••
(loves this part)
They invited us.
Ker cracks-up, finding this hysterical. Terl leans forward,
giving him a conspiratorial wink.
TERL (cont'd)
••• And of course, all this means the
plan has a good chance of working.
Terl gets up and heads out. Confused, Ker chases after him •••
• I
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Chrissy devises a clever plan to escape the ravine, while Jonnie, Mickey, and Sammy strategize a breakout. Teri and Ker engage in a thought-provoking discussion about humans and the significance of the Pioneer One plaque.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character development
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, with a strong mix of action, drama, and suspense. It keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of humans being enslaved by alien Psychlos in a dystopian future is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the oppressive atmosphere and the characters' fight for freedom.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and full of twists and turns, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The escape attempt adds tension and excitement to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on individual resistance and rebellion against an oppressive society. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and show growth and resilience in the face of adversity. Their interactions and decisions drive the plot forward and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, showing growth, resilience, and determination in the face of adversity. Their actions and decisions reflect their evolving personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Chrissy's internal goal is to escape the oppressive society and find freedom. This reflects her desire for autonomy and resistance against the status quo.

External Goal: 7

Chrissy's external goal is to lower the drawbridge and escape on her horse. This reflects her immediate challenge of physically overcoming the barrier to freedom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters struggle against the oppressive regime of the Psychlos and fight for their freedom. The stakes are high, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and societal obstacles that challenge her goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters risk their lives to escape from the oppressive regime of the Psychlos. The outcome of their escape attempt will have far-reaching consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, advancing the plot and introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome. It sets the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the oppressive Psychlo society and the human desire for freedom and autonomy. This challenges Chrissy's beliefs in the value of individuality and resistance against tyranny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and desperation to hope and defiance. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall storytelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and the characters' motivations and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action beats and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the reader.
  • The action sequences are described in a rushed and unclear manner, making it difficult to visualize the events taking place.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker feels forced and lacks depth, failing to establish a compelling dynamic between the characters.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to engage the reader in the characters' struggles and motivations.
  • The description of the setting and atmosphere is minimal, missing an opportunity to create a vivid and immersive world for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Add clear transitions between locations to improve the flow of the scene and help the reader follow the action.
  • Slow down the pacing of the action sequences and provide more detailed descriptions to enhance the reader's visualization of the events.
  • Work on developing more nuanced and authentic dialogue between Terl and Ker to create a more engaging interaction between the characters.
  • Focus on exploring the emotional depth of the characters and their motivations to create a more compelling and relatable scene.
  • Enhance the description of the setting and atmosphere to create a more immersive and vivid world for the reader to experience.



Scene 13 -  Terl's Manipulation: Framing Ker
10 EXT. STREET-- MOMENTS
LATER
Catching up to Terl4 Ker shakes his head.
KER
But the plan can't work if the Planetship
doesn't order us to train man-animals--
TERL
-The Planetship's hiding something.
All we have to do is figure out what it
is, and we'll have leverage over him.
KER
(getting it)
And then we can get the gold--
'l'ERL
---What do you mean~? It's m plan.
And before Ker can respond, Terl heads into--

Dff. SECURITYBE.ADQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
And settles in behind his desk. Ker follows on his heels.
DR
Please, sir. You got to let me in on it.
I barely make any credits in this lousy
job. And I've got five wives to support.
Terl leans back in his chai=, rlb'l::>ing a talon over bis lips,
pretending to be thinking this over. And finally •••
TERL
,~) I don't want to partner-up with an idiot.
\, .....__
-.,/ (challenges)
Bow do I even know you understand the
plan?
Still reclining in his chair, Terl discreetly reaches under his
desk and pushes a GREENBUTTON. This isn"t seen by--
Ker, who rising to the task, holds up the surveillance photo of
the mountain range.
KER
We train man-animals, who don't need
breath-gas, to mine the gold for us.
TERI,
But Some Planet owns this planet. The
gold belongs to them.
Ker nods, eager to prove he understands the whole plan.
KER
That's the beauty of it. Some Office
doesn't even know the gold exists. So
those corporate crap-heads will never
know we stole it. It's the perfect crime.
Be waits for Terl's praise ••• But instead Ter1·1ooks shocked.
And in the gravest of voices:
TERI,
Putting aside the serious violations
of teaching·mining to an inferior race
and insulting corporate superiors,
each one in themselves punishable by
death, you just advocated deliberate
theft of company resources •••
(resigned sigh)
So my duty requires me to report you,
even though you will be vaporized and
I'll have to train a new assistant.
Ker's jaw is practically on the floor. Terl promptly pushes a
RED BOTTONunder his desk before--
KER
But it was~ stinking ideal
TERL
Whi<:h is why it's a good thing I now
ha·.re a recorcw1g of ~ laying out the
plan, and m reprimanding you for it.
ma
What are you talking about?l We don't
have any recorders planted in here •••
(realizes)
Let me guess. !m don't. But ~ do.
'l'erl saunters over to a-~
VAULT
Where he carefully positions his body to shield a KEYPADfrom
Ker's view, as he punches in numbers.
TERI,
Consider it part of your education.
KER
••• Education?!
The vault swings open. Terl reaches in past a shelf of Blast-Gu
and spare air-tanks, popping a disc from a RECORDINGMACHINE.
TERI,
Never engage in a criminal activity
until you set-up a patsy to pin
everything on in case you're found out.
KER
Thank-you. That's great advice! But
why do I have to be the patsy?!
TERI,
So you won't be getting any bright ideas
about getting rid of 'ole Terl in order
to keep all the gold for yourself.
I
. KER
~: But I would never double-cross yout ·
TERI,
Of course not. Because I'm going to
set it up that if any 'unfortunate
accident' were to befall me•••
(re: the disc ) ·
This goes straight to Bame Office.
Be files the disc away within a collection of other such
recordings housed within the vault, then shuts and locks the ste
door.
~er isn't happy about this, but what can he do? And to make
things worse, he realizes •••
KER
Your whole plan depends on getting
leverage over the Planetship.
(shakes his head)
But since there's no way to smuggle a
picto-recorder into his office without it
being detected, how are we going to find
out what he's hiding--
TERL
--You"re the only qualified E-3 Level
Support Executive on this planet other
than the Assistant Planetship.
. (matter-of-fact)
So if something were to 'accidentally'
happen to him •••
1CER
(cat.ching on)
••• 1.:.d be the only qualified candidate
to replace him. Good thinking, sirl
(rubs his paws together)
So how do we bump the bastard off?
TERL
Don't worry a.bout that. We'll do it in
an appropriate atyle ••• But right now,
. we have a JDOre preeeing concern.

-- ABOVEA MINESITE -- TBA'l'DAY
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Amidst a discussion about training man-animals, Terl cunningly exposes a recording of Ker advocating theft from the company. Terl exploits this incriminating evidence to set up Ker as a patsy, intending to replace the Planetship and gain leverage over them.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • High tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Character motivations could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and sets up significant conflicts and plot developments. The intricate character interactions and power plays add depth and intrigue to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using man-animals for mining, the theft of resources, and the power struggles within the alien hierarchy are compelling and well-developed. The scene introduces complex ideas and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 9

The plot is rich with twists, betrayals, and escalating tensions. It moves the story forward significantly, introducing new challenges and conflicts that will impact the characters and the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of training man-animals to mine gold and explores themes of power, greed, and betrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The scene showcases their strengths, weaknesses, and the dynamics between them, setting the stage for future character development.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their beliefs, motivations, and actions during the scene. These changes set the stage for future character arcs and developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Terl's internal goal is to maintain control and power over the situation. He wants to have leverage over the Planetship and ensure his own safety and success.

External Goal: 7

Terl's external goal is to find out what the Planetship is hiding and to figure out a way to gain leverage over him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including power struggles, betrayals, and survival challenges. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas, conflicting goals, and uncertain outcomes that create tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, power struggles, and moral dilemmas. The outcome of the conflicts will have a significant impact on the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, alliances, and challenges for the characters. It sets up future plot developments and keeps the audience invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting alliances, hidden agendas, and unexpected revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between personal gain and ethical responsibility. Terl is willing to commit crimes and betray his company for personal gain, while Ker is shocked by the unethical behavior and consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to determination and shock. The high-stakes situations and character dynamics create a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character intentions and driving the plot forward. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high stakes involved, and the unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character goals and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of exposition and dialogue, which can make it feel heavy and slow-paced.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker is informative but lacks depth and emotion, making it less engaging for the audience.
  • The conflict between Terl and Ker is resolved too quickly and easily, missing an opportunity for tension and suspense.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and action, relying heavily on dialogue to drive the story forward.
  • The character motivations and reactions could be more nuanced and developed to add complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements and action to break up the dialogue-heavy scenes.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense by prolonging the conflict between Terl and Ker.
  • Add depth to the characters by exploring their emotions and motivations in more detail.
  • Consider incorporating more dynamic and engaging dialogue to keep the audience interested.
  • Work on pacing to ensure a balance between exposition, dialogue, and action in the scene.



Scene 14 -  Leverage and Control
EXT. GUARD'STOWER
Terl and hr enjoy their lunch up in a guard tower overlooking
the humans slaving away below. Between mouthfuls, 'l'erl motions
down to JONNIE, who struggles with a heavy load of ore.
With.almost a aenae of begrudging respect, 'l'erl explains •••
'l'ERI,
••• While that one dou aeem to be
unuaually intelligent and resourceful, at
leut for a man-animal, it alao •eema
rather defiant. Which is why we'll need
leverage over it.
Ja!:R.
Leverage over a man-an.ima.l?
Terl gives him a aharp look. Hasn't he been paying attention?
. 'l'ERI,
'l'he onlyway it'a going to be able to
operate a mining machine -is if it can
read Paychlo. Which means ve have to
educate it on a learning machine.
br looks at 'l'arl like he'• off bis rocker.
l:D
But if anyone found out--
TERI.
-'lh,at.'1 why we need leverage on it, you
moronl so, no one finds out.
Zer stares down at Jonnie, exhausted by the idea.
DR
We need leverage on the Planetahip. And
now ve need leverage on the man-animal•.
I don't know about thia plan of youra •••
(mutt.era)
It'• like we need leverage on everyone.
TERI,
That'• what make• it ao much fun.
INT. JaTCBEN FACILITIES -- LATERTHATDAY
Psychlo COOKSmix a disgusting green slop in giant tubs.
COOK
••• we feed them a combination of grass,
reclaimed fluid wastes, and whatever
animal carcasses we can find.
TERL
Yes, but what would man llil. to eat?
(clarifies)
What would they consider a treat?
COOK
Wowthe crap should I know?!
(quickly adds--)


EXT. DENVERSTREET MOMENTS
LATER
Ker dejectedly kicks a rock as he follows Terl up the street.
RER
SO much for your "Positive-Forcing•.
TERL
It's called Positive-binforc~nt.
0 RER
Whatever. It still sounds like a pretty
primitive way to get 1everage.
TERI,
Man is a primitive species.

Ker can't argue with that, but still shakes his head.
RER
But we have no idea what the damn things
like •••

INT. DENVERZOO -- CAGE-- THE NEXT
MORNING
Ker barges into the cage, and without warning, throws Jonnie,
Carlo and Floyd into a--
TRANSPORTABLE
CARGOCAGE.
Mickey and Sammy, trying to stay close to Jonnie, start to
scramble into the cage, but Ker swats them away.

EXT. TRANSPORT
TRUCK-- MOMENT
LATER
Ker secures the cargo cage to the back of a flatbed truck and
tosses HEAVYJAC!CETSto our guys.
·o-t -- .._ -- :ta c··fi s··fitrtf:z:lfb:ffln




-~
' ,____)
INT. TRANSPORT
TRUCK-- DRIVER'S CABIN-- THATMORNING
\,, _/
Ker, wearing a breath-tube now that he's outside the dome, drive:
the flatbed truck up a windy mountain road away from Denver •••

INT. CARGOCAGE-- CONTINUOUS.
our guys huddle in their jackets as the cold Colorado air blows
through tl-.e cage. Floyd shrugs, guessing •••
FLOYD
••• Must be a mining site out here.
Carlo looks to Jonnie for his take on the situation. But
Jannie's attention turns to the cargo cage door as--
The truck hits a small bump, causing the door to swing open a
crack, betraying that it's not locked.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Terl and Zer discuss the need for leverage over Jonnie to operate mining equipment. Terl suggests using a learning machine to educate Jonnie on Paychlo, despite Zer's concerns about the risks. Ker, skeptical of Terl's plan, captures Jonnie and his friends and transports them to a mining site in a cargo cage. The scene ends with the truck approaching the mining site, leaving Jonnie and his friends uncertain about their fate.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Intriguing concept of training man-animals
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and sets up a significant power struggle between Terl and Ker, adding depth to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of training man-animals to mine gold and the manipulation tactics used by Terl to gain leverage are innovative and intriguing.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the plan to educate man-animals and the power dynamics between Terl and Ker.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on the dynamics between humans and alien oppressors. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Terl and Ker are well-developed, showcasing their complex relationship and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is subtle development in the characters of Terl and Ker as their power dynamics shift.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to resist the oppression and find a way to fight back against the Psychlos. This reflects their desire for freedom, justice, and dignity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape from the Psychlos' control and find a way to liberate themselves and other humans. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and resistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Terl and Ker, as well as the larger conflict of controlling the man-animals, is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles in their quest for freedom.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the manipulation and control of man-animals could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new plan and escalating the conflict between characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the shifting power dynamics between the protagonist and the Psychlos.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the values of freedom and oppression. The protagonist's beliefs in equality and autonomy are challenged by the Psychlos' belief in domination and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, desperation, and defiance, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to highlight the tension and power play between Terl and Ker.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the sense of urgency in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dystopian sci-fi screenplay, with a clear setup of the conflict and the protagonist's goals.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations and actions, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the reader.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker feels forced and lacks depth, making their interactions less engaging for the audience.
  • The scene introduces new elements like the Psychlo cooks and their discussion about man-animal food preferences, but these details feel out of place and do not contribute significantly to the plot.
  • The character motivations and dynamics are not well-developed in this scene, leading to a lack of emotional depth and investment in the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with abrupt shifts in tone and focus that make it challenging to follow the progression of events.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer flow between the different locations and actions, providing smoother transitions for the reader.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful and engaging dialogue between Terl and Ker to deepen their characters and enhance the scene's impact.
  • Ensure that all elements introduced in the scene contribute directly to the plot or character development, avoiding unnecessary details that distract from the main storyline.
  • Work on establishing clear character motivations and dynamics to create more compelling interactions and emotional resonance for the audience.
  • Refine the pacing of the scene by balancing the tone and focus to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative for the reader.



Scene 15 -  Escape to the Abandoned Ski Chalet
EXT. TBENEXT
BEND
-- MOMENTS
LATER
The flatbed truck rounds a bend, carrying a NOWEMPTYcage.

EXT. BACltAROUND
THE BEND-- CONTINUOUS
.. ·
our guys pick themselves off the rQad from where they jumped, an, 1

race away in escape, sprinting up a mountain path.

INT. DENVER-- SECURITYBEADQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
Terl and Ker, reclining in chairs with their feet up on desks, w!
l'RIO OF MONITORS showing our guys huffing and puffing up the mour
KER
They sure are i.12!,f. And it looks like
they're slowing down even more.
TERL
That's the whole point of this--
EXT. MOUNTAIN
PATS -- CONTINUOUS
our guys make it up over a small rise, where Floyd suddenly casti
hopeful eye at a CABIN-LIKE BUILDINGhalf-buried up ahead in the
FLOYD
Might be some food in there.
JONNIE
We don't have time. The monsters are
going to be coming after us.
FLOYD
we gotta eat.
JONNIE
Our best chance of hiding is up in the
tree-line. We'll look for :ood there--
Cax;-lo hates to take Floyd's side, but •.•
CARLO
If I don't eat now, I'm not sure I'm
going to make it to the tree line.
Jonnie starts to respond, but one look at Carlo and Floyd and
it's clear they're both on the brink of exhaustion.

INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
-- MOMENTS
LATER
Terl proudly points to the monitors, which show our guys forcing
open a door and heading into the snow-covered building.
TERL
observe them in their natural habitat.

INT. SNOWCOVEREDBUILDING-- MOMENTS
LATER
The building is a long-abandoned SKI CHALET, caught frozen in
time •. A thick layer of dust covers everything. In the corner ••
The SXELETALREMAINS of some pe9ple are·scattered near .a Ch:ristm
Tree slumped over a pile of presents for a holiday never celebra 1



But Jonnie suddenly freezes. Grabs a CHAIR.·
FLOYD
What is it-.;.
JONNIE
••• Lunch.
Be launches the chair straight at the--
CBlUSTMASTREE
Sending RATS scurrying out from among the presents. Jonnie dive: 1




onto one of the larger rodents. Carlo and Floyd do likewise.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

Summary Our guys flee the truck carrying the empty cage, pursued by Terl and Ker's watchful eyes. Exhaustion and hunger push them towards a cabin, where they encounter rats. After a brief hesitation, they dive into the rodents for sustenance, temporarily resolving their conflict about stopping for food.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in dialogue
  • Slightly predictable character actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and intense, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of humans being enslaved by alien Psychlos in a post-apocalyptic world is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and engaging, with a clear goal of escape and survival driving the action.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the post-apocalyptic genre, with a focus on survival and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes in their actions and decisions as they face challenges and make difficult choices.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and find food to sustain themselves. This reflects their primal instincts and fear of being caught by the monsters.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a safe hiding spot and avoid being caught by the monsters. This reflects the immediate danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the humans and the Psychlos, as well as internal conflicts among the characters, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and obstacles that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival, betrayal, and enslavement add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting goals and the unexpected actions they take.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between the characters' need for survival and their moral compass. Jonnie wants to prioritize finding food, while Carlo and Floyd are more focused on finding a safe hiding spot.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, desperation, and determination in the characters, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions, building tension, and revealing character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense as the characters face increasing danger.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother connection to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker in the Security Headquarters feels a bit forced and could be more natural to enhance the authenticity of the interaction.
  • The visual description of our guys huffing and puffing up the mountain path could be more vivid to create a stronger image in the reader's mind.
  • The sudden shift in focus from the urgency of escaping to the desire for food at the cabin could be better integrated into the scene to maintain the tension and stakes.
  • The reveal of the abandoned ski chalet and the skeletal remains is a powerful moment, but it could be enhanced by building up the suspense and atmosphere leading up to it.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or bridge from the previous scene to smoothly introduce the new setting and situation.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Terl and Ker to make it more organic and reflective of their characters.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the characters' actions and surroundings for a more immersive reading experience.
  • Integrate the characters' need for food into the scene in a way that maintains the urgency of their situation and the looming threat of the monsters.
  • Build up the suspense and tension leading to the reveal of the abandoned ski chalet to maximize its impact on the reader.



Scene 16 -  Desperation on the Mountain
INT. SKI CHALET-- MOMENTS
LATER
Carlo and Floyd rip branches from the Christmas tree for kindlin<
JONNIE
We don't have time for a fire.
FLOYD
We don't have a choice. We gotta cook
the rats--
JONNIE
--we~ a choice.
what Jonnie's thinking.
Carlo looks up in dread as he realizes got and ...
Jonnie summons up every ounce of willpower he's

l:Q;:g~@ hims~l.f tQ t~ke a l2i:te Qf r"'w .:~t-

:INT. SECURITY HEADQUARTERS CONTINUOUS

Ker shakes his head, nauseated.

TERI,
Get off your fat ass! We got the info
we needed, let's.go round 'em up.

ROAD--
EXT. MOtJNTAIN TBAT DAY
our guys sprint up the road, when they begin to hear an ominous
MECHANICAL ROARbehind them. Getting louder as ••.

ROAD-- BELOWOURGUYS-- CONTI~OUS
EXT. MOUNTAIN
An armored Psychlo MARKII GROUND.CAR
hurtles above the ground·as
it comes screaming up toward--

EXT. MOUNTAIN
ROAD-- CONTINUOUS
OUr guys, who char;e past a faded 'Welcome to Aspen' sign on their
way around a bend--
But as they top the hill, they ~~n straight into one of
~er~·s backup vehicles. Psychlos pi:ing out.
Jonnie goes berserk!
The first two Psychlo guards stood no chance. With one
backward stride, Jonnie ~s behind them. He sends them
slamming together like egg shells.
He catches the gun of one, as that Psychlo goes down and
stamps his heel into the side of his skull.
He reverses the gun and batters the other Psychlo with shots
from a range of three inches.
Jonnie drops on one knee, and blows the two last Psychlos who
have exited the craft to bits.
Five other Psychlos fire in his direction.
Jennie's gun is empty. He throws it down and picks up the
other one. Flips the switch to kill.
Totally unmindful of the shots ripping up the ground, running
low and firing as he goes, Jonnie races on. The otners
scattering around him.
·He kneels behind a Psychlo body and sends a storm of shots
into the five. They crash back.
Jonnie pounds them into rolling balls of dead flesh. Running,
firing as he goes.
EXT. TOP OF A GORGE
Where they abruptly run out of ground. s~anding at the brink of
a massive chasm where a--


Used to be. But neglect and repeated winter storms have washed
it away into the bottom of a canyon al.Jllost too far down to see.
And to make matters worse, our guys are surrounded on all sides by
sheer vertical mountain face, impossible to climb. They're trappe·
FLOYD
What the hell do we do now?!
CARLO
Don't even think about it-~
This is directed at the look in Jonnie's eyes as he stares across
the gorge •••
CARLO (cont'd)
There's D.Q way you're going to make that
jumpl

And in fact, the far side of the ravine does seem like an awfully
long distance away. But Jonnie backs up, getting as much runnina
room as possible.
EXT. MOUNTAINROAD-- BEBIND OUR GUYS -- CONTINUOUS
The Psychlo Ground Car hurtles around the last bend and comes
screaming out onto the clearing as--

EXT. TOP OF THE GORGE-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie takes off on a dead sprint, going like hell for the edge of
the cliff. Carlo looks away, can't bear the sight.
Jonnie doesn't let-up. In fact, he goes faster. Every muscle
straining as he races straight for the edge and--
EXT. CANYON-- CONTINUOUS
A PSYCBLOFIGHTER PLANE =ockets up from the depths of the canyon,
blocking Jonnie from jumping--

!NT. COCKPIT -- PSYCBLOFIGHTER PLANE CONTINUOUS
Terl maneuvers the fighter plane to push Jonnie away from the
edge of the gorge.

EXT. TOP OF THE GORGE A LITTLE LATER
Terl locks our guys into the rear of the ground car as •.•
Ker stares across the canyon to the other side, trying to figure
something out. And then it finally dawns on him.
KER
They ~ust be able to fly.
Terl sighs, unlocks the cage and grabs Floyd and tosses him over
the side of the canyon.
FLOYD

Screams in helpless anguish ash~ plunges to his death.
.
0 INT. DENVERWAREHOUSE
-- THATDAY
.




I The remains of a sizable meal are scattered over a giant
to a steel slab, where the ASSISTANT PI..ANETSBIPpartakes
A door bursts open and Ker marche_s inside and salutes.
table ne:
in a nap.


KER
I need your approval to get some man-
animal labor units to do some painting
and cleaning work.
Be extends a REQUISITION FORM, which the still half-asleep
Assistant Plan~tship signs, but then snidely instructs--
ASSISTANT PLANETSBIP
You tell Terl, that unlike 'certain
individuals', I hold an important job.
So next time he has a request, have him
send it through proper channels instead
of disturbing me when I'm busy.
Ker nods, then trots out with the signed form. The Assistant
Planetship scratches himself, then returns to his snooze.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Trapped by Psychlos, Jonnie attempts a daring jump but is blocked. Floyd is killed, and Terl locks Jonnie and Carlo away. Meanwhile, Ker seeks reinforcements from the Denver Warehouse.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High stakes
  • Compelling plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some violence may be too graphic for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is filled with intense action, high stakes, and dramatic moments that keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of humans being enslaved by alien Psychlos and the struggle for freedom is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, full of twists and turns, and keeps the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique situations such as the characters cooking rats for survival and engaging in a high-speed chase with armored vehicles. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions drive the plot forward, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes in their beliefs, actions, and relationships as they face challenges and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and escape the Psychlos, showcasing his determination and willpower.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to defeat the Psychlos and escape their pursuit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the enslaved humans and the oppressive Psychlos, as well as the internal conflicts among the characters, creates tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing overwhelming odds and intense conflict with the Psychlos.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters risk their lives to escape captivity and confront their oppressors.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing new conflicts, escalating existing ones, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating conflict with the Psychlos.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between survival and oppression, as Jonnie fights against the oppressive Psychlos to secure his freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and determination in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions, motivations, and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and fast-paced narrative that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and excitement, with a seamless flow between action sequences and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is mostly clear and follows the expected format for an action-packed sequence.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a fast-paced and action-packed structure, with clear transitions between different locations and events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations and actions, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the reader.
  • The dialogue is sparse and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to develop the characters and their relationships further.
  • The action sequences are described in a rushed and chaotic manner, making it difficult to follow the flow of events and visualize the scene clearly.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development, leaving the reader disconnected from the characters' experiences and motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
Suggestions
  • Add clear transitions between locations and actions to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to provide more insight into the characters' personalities, relationships, and motivations.
  • Slow down the pacing of the action sequences to allow for better visualization and understanding of the events.
  • Focus on developing the emotional depth of the characters to create a more engaging and relatable scene.
  • Use descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.



Scene 17 -  Terl's Deception
INT. EMPLOYEE BALL -- CONTINUOUS
RECREATION
The place is packed with its usual. drunken debauchery. In the
back, Terl and the bartender engage in a private conversation--
TERL
Givei-i that it looks like I'll be
sticking around for a while, perhaps
we should be discussing the terms of
our new deal •••
BARTENDER
(resigned sigh)
••• What do you want?

Ilff. EMPLOYEE
RECREATIONHALL-- LATERTHATAFTERNOON
'l'he Assistant Planetship finishes a pan of kerbango when a DOZEN
more pans of the narcotic root are placed in front of him.
BARTENDER
Congratulations. You're our one-
thousandth customer of the monthl

EXT. ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP'S LIVING QUARTERS
-- THATNIGBT
The Assistant Planetship, now smashed out of his mind, stumbles
into his room to sleep off the kerbango •••

Ilff. SECURJ:TY
HEADQUARTERS
-- THATNIGBT
A recording of the.Assistant Planetship p~ays on.a mon;tor:
ASSISTANTPLANE'l'SBIP(ON MONITOR)
You tell Terl, that unlike 'certain
individuals', I hold an important job--
. .
Ker watches as Terl pauses the recording, then expertly imitates
the Assistant Planetship's voice:
TERL
"You tell Terl, that unlike 'certain
individuals', I hold an important job."
K..::R
(genuinely impressed)
Bow do you do that, sir? You sound ,ilat
like him.
TERL
There are benefits to a first-class
education.
Terl hits play again, mimicking the Assistant Planetship's
expressions and gesture1:1 playing on the monitor.

-- LATER
INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS NIGHT
THAT
'l'erl masterfully applies prosthetics ~.nd make-up to his face,
thickening his eye bones and darkening the fur on his cheeks •••
Until if we didn't know it was Terl, we'd swear it was the
Assistant Planetship.
MM MWWbN'




INT. PSYCBLORESEARCH
CENTER-- A LITTLE LATER
Terl, disguised as the Assistant Planetship, shakes his head.
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
••• When Terl gave this suggestion in the
meeting, I ridiculed it. Know why?
The RESEARCHCLERKdoesn't really care, but politely asks:
RESEARCHCLERK
No, sir. Why?
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
I'm no fool. I'm going to steal Terl'c
idea for myself ••• Because that Terl is
exceptionally brilliant, don't you think?
RESEARCHCLERK
I haven't noticed. Be always seemed
like an arrogant jerk to me.
Terl's eyes slit, but he forces himself to stay in character.
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
••• Well, if you got to know him, I'm
sure you wouldn't think that.
The _Research Clerk shrugs, returning to ~he business at hand.
RESEARCH
CLERK
You want discs on basic Psychlo Language.
Research Compendium on Man-Animals·.
Mineral and Ore Mining Techniques. And
Door-Bomb Explosives •••
(beat)
If I may ask, sir, what's that one for?
Terl signs a check-out slip, expertly forging the Assistant
Planetship's signature, then •••
Making a big production of looking around, making sure no one's
listening, Terl leans in with a conspiratorial whisper •••
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
••• can vou keep a secret?
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a private conversation, Terl and the bartender discuss their new arrangement. Meanwhile, the Assistant Planetship is the one-thousandth customer of the month, and Terl disguises himself as him to infiltrate the Psychloreserch Center. He steals confidential materials and successfully forges the Assistant Planetship's signature, displaying his cunning and deception.
Strengths
  • Intricate plot
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to multiple layers of deception and manipulation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, deception, and strategic maneuvering. It sets up a complex web of intrigue and power dynamics that keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of deception, manipulation, and power play is executed with finesse in this scene. The intricate plan devised by Terl adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by Terl's deceptive actions and the unfolding of his plan. It introduces new conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to deception and manipulation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and intrigue of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Terl and Ker, are well-developed in this scene. Their motivations, actions, and interactions add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between Terl and Ker shift as Terl gains the upper hand through deception.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to outsmart and deceive others, showcasing his intelligence and cunning. This reflects his desire for power and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to steal an idea and take credit for it, showcasing his ambition and willingness to manipulate others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with multiple layers of deception, manipulation, and power struggles at play. The characters' conflicting agendas create intense drama and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that add tension and conflict to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as Terl's plan could have far-reaching consequences for the characters involved. The deception and power play could lead to betrayal, loss, or even death.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating the tension, and setting up future plot developments related to Terl's plan.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the protagonist's unexpected actions and the shifting dynamics between characters that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception. The protagonist must navigate the line between truth and lies to achieve his goals, challenging his values and morals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and a sense of unease in the audience. The characters' deceptive actions and hidden motives add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, filled with subtext, and drives the deception and manipulation theme forward. It effectively conveys the tension and hidden agendas of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intricate plot twists, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a focus on character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in Terl's manipulation and deception.
  • The dialogue between Terl and the bartender feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, failing to fully engage the audience.
  • The transition between the different locations and interactions within the scene could be smoother to enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The visual elements described in the scene could be more vivid and impactful to create a stronger visual impact for the audience.
  • The character motivations and emotions could be more clearly conveyed through their actions and dialogue to make the scene more engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the conversation between Terl and the bartender to reveal deeper insights into their characters and motivations.
  • Enhance the tension and suspense in the scene by incorporating more subtle cues and gestures that hint at the underlying power dynamics at play.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and intentions.
  • Focus on creating a more seamless transition between the different locations and interactions to maintain the audience's engagement and understanding.
  • Explore ways to visually enhance the scene by incorporating more descriptive details that paint a vivid picture for the audience.



Scene 18 -  Capture and Painting
INT. DENVER ZOO -- CAGE -- ·1·w;; t:itih'l' MUKNrNc,;;
Ker barges in and snaps a LEASHaround Jonnie"s neck. Carlo gets
same treatment. And as Ker reaches out to grab some more humans-
Mickey and Sammy, discreetly slip forward, positioning themselves
to be selected.

INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
-- A LITTLE LATER
Ker hands Psychlo-sized paint-brushes to Carlo, the twins, and
ID.::YWOOD,
an older man with a friendly face.
Pointing to giant buckets of purple paint, Ker barks something in
f\
\, ~-/
Psychlo, which the humans obviously can't understand.
MICKEY
Bow we supposed to know what he wants?
HEYWOOD
They've made me do this before. Just
follow what I do and you'll be fine.
Be dips his brush into a bucket and goes to work painting a wall.
Carlo and the twins copy his movements.
INT. BACKROOM-- CONTINUOUS
Terl roughly deposits Jonnie and the chair in the center of the
roam, then grabs a DISC from a pile and slides it into--
A LEARNINGMACHINE
Which unlike the utilitarian.design of most Psychlo machinery, is
elegantly designed with sleek simplicity.
And once the disc is inserted, the machine emits a holographic ilru
of a CBINKO, which bows twice and puts its six sets of paws over
six eyes, then talks in English, albeit with a strange accent:

CBINKQVOICE (FROMTBE MACHINE)
Excuse me, but I am your instructor if
you will forgive such arrogance, for I do
not have the honor to be a Psychlo. I am
but a lowly Chinko Language Slave in the
Department of Culture and Ethnology.
The holographic image bows again, then ..•
CBINKOVOICE (FROMTHE MACHINE)
Please forgive my pretension as I try
to educate you in Psychlo, the Noble
language of Conquerors •••
An intense bright shaft of BLUE LIGHT shoots out of the machine,
striking Jonnie in the eyes ...
CBINKOVOICE (FROMTHE MACHINE)
This machine is designed for pan-species
communication, and utilizes subconscious
absorption, allowing for instantaneous
comprehension.
-- LATER
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Ker detains Jonnie, Carlo, Mickey, and Sammy, bringing them to a security facility. They're ordered to paint a wall, while Jonnie undergoes language training in a Psychlo learning machine. Despite language barriers, Mickey, Carlo, and Haywood follow Sammy's lead and begin painting.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Innovative concept
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Complexity of plot
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and emotionally impactful, with high stakes and significant character development. The introduction of the learning machine adds depth to the plot and sets up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a learning machine to educate the protagonist in a new language is innovative and adds a new dimension to the story. It also explores themes of communication, power dynamics, and resistance.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a focus on the protagonist's struggle against the oppressive Psychlos and his attempts to resist their control. The introduction of the learning machine adds a new layer of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the learning machine and the holographic instructor, adding a fresh and innovative twist to the familiar theme of resistance against oppression. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show defiance, fear, and resilience in the face of oppression, with the protagonist taking a stand against the Psychlos. The scene sets up potential character growth and conflict in future developments.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a significant change as he learns a new language and gains knowledge that could help him resist the Psychlos. The scene sets up potential character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and find a way to resist the oppressive regime of the Psychlos. This reflects their deeper desire for freedom and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the dangerous situation they are in and try to outsmart their captors. This reflects the immediate challenge of staying alive and resisting the oppressive regime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the protagonist faces off against the oppressive Psychlos and struggles to resist their control. The stakes are high, with the potential for significant consequences.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the protagonist faces off against the oppressive Psychlos and learns a new language that could help him resist their control. The potential consequences of his actions add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element (the learning machine) that could have significant implications for the protagonist's journey. It sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the characters' unpredictable actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the values of freedom and oppression. The protagonist's beliefs in autonomy and resistance are challenged by the oppressive regime of the Psychlos.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anger, and defiance in the characters and the audience, creating a sense of tension and urgency. The emotional impact drives the narrative forward and sets up future developments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the power dynamics between the Psychlos and humans. The interaction between characters reveals their motivations, fears, and desires.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, high stakes, and the protagonist's struggle against a powerful enemy. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and descriptions that help set the tone and atmosphere.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Ker snapping a leash around Jonnie's neck to Ker handing out paintbrushes to the humans without much context or explanation.
  • The dialogue between Mickey and Heywood about following what Heywood does to paint the wall feels forced and unnatural.
  • The introduction of the Learning Machine and the holographic image of a Chinko is intriguing but lacks a clear connection to the previous events in the scene.
  • The sudden shift to the Learning Machine and the Chinko language instruction feels disjointed and out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The use of a bright blue light shooting out of the Learning Machine to teach Psychlo to Jonnie is a cliche and lacks originality.
Suggestions
  • Provide a smoother transition between Ker snapping the leash and handing out paintbrushes to the humans to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Consider reworking the dialogue between Mickey and Heywood to make it more natural and less expository.
  • Integrate the introduction of the Learning Machine and the holographic Chinko image more seamlessly into the scene to ensure it aligns with the overall narrative.
  • Explore alternative methods of teaching Jonnie Psychlo through the Learning Machine that are more unique and engaging.
  • Avoid cliches like the bright blue light shooting out of the Learning Machine and strive for more original and creative storytelling elements.



Scene 19 -  Learning Machine Encounter
INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS THATDAY
A somber Psychlo war song plays from speakers as Carlo, Heywood
and the twins paint the walls a fresh coat of purple.
···-- Terl happily hums along to the music as he attaches some kind of
RED-SQUARE to a choke collar. Ker is camped-out at his own desk,
looking through s0100 holographic pornography.
·::w:2·:sr:-:ar:a::: ===




INT. BACKROOM-- A LITI'LE LATER
The blue light beaming at Jonnie's eyes clicks off. Andstaying
; ,,,-.)
in Jonnie's P.o.v.:
'',~,~--~~
Terl leans down to Jonnl.·e, speaking very slowly, extra-enunciatin
each syllable •••
TERL
,Bello ••• There .•• Do ••• You••• Understand •••
What •.•• I'm .•• Saying? •••

Jonnie can understand, but feigns a blank expression, pretending
he doesn't. Terl dangles a DEAD RAT in front of Jennie's eyes.
'!'ERL
Are ••• You••. Bungry ••• Little ••• Guy? ••
But Jonnie keeps up his blank--face routine.
Terl continues to 'tease' him with the rodent for a few beats,
then pulls it away and restarts the machine, turning to Ker.
TERL (cont'd)
Obviously, this is going to take a
while. We might as well go get ourselves
some lunch.
INT. SECURITYBEAOQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
Terl and Ker head out ~he door. The moment the·y' re gone, Carlo ·
tJI I
charges into--
INT. BACKROOM CONTINUOUS

And tackles Jonnie out of the chair, "saving' him from the blue
beam bombarding his eyes.
CARLO
Told you your attitude was going to get
you into trouble. That's why the monsters
singled you out for the to'rture machine.
JONNIE
I'm not sure what it is, but it's not
torture. It's like sleeping. But when
you wake-up, you somehow know things •••
(explains)
Like I can now understand what the
monsters are saying when they speak.
Heywood appears in the doorway with a concerned look.
HEYWOOD
••• What's going on?
Carlo points to the Learning Machine with religious awe.
CARLO
It's a god-machinethat the monsters must
have stolen. It makes you know things.
m:;;:w:15-1·1t''
± , ·f¥" +-¥¥rtfffl¥tM ¥ ¥5




JONNIE
I don't know if it's a god-machine, but I
do know I'm going to use it to learn as
much as I can, so I can figure out how
the hell we're going to get out of here.
Before Heywood can protest, Jonnie reassures him--
JONNIE (cont'd)
If you can keep an eye out and give me
a little bit of warning before the
monsters come back, I won't be putting
any of you.in danger.
Beywood is concerned, but moves back to a window, keeping a
vigilant eye on the street outside as •••
Jonnie inserts a new disc ~nto ~~~ Learning Machine. I
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary While Terl attempts to communicate with Jonnie using a learning machine, Jonnie feigns ignorance. Carlo intervenes, shielding Jonnie from the machine's blue beam and revealing its purpose. Despite concerns raised by Heywood, Jonnie resolves to delve deeper into their situation using the machine.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Innovative use of technology
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and moves the plot forward significantly. The use of the learning machine adds an intriguing element to the story, and the conflict between the characters keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a learning machine to teach a new language in a dystopian setting is innovative and adds depth to the world-building. The tension between the characters and the high stakes make the scene compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with significant developments in the characters' relationships and the overall story arc. The scene moves the plot forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the Learning Machine and the characters' interactions, adding authenticity and freshness to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward. Jonnie's determination and defiance, Carlo's protective nature, and Heywood's concern add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jonnie's use of the learning machine marks a significant change in his abilities and understanding, setting up future developments in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to learn as much as he can from the Learning Machine to figure out how to escape from the situation they are in.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to avoid putting his friends in danger while using the Learning Machine to gather information.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the humans and the Psychlos, as well as the internal conflict among the characters, creates a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and conflict, creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival, resistance against oppression, and the characters' fates are at risk in the scene. The tension and conflict raise the stakes significantly.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. It advances the plot in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in terms of character actions and plot developments, adding suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the use of knowledge and power, as Jonnie sees the Learning Machine as a tool to empower himself and potentially save his friends.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, defiance, and determination in the characters, as well as curiosity in the audience. The emotional impact drives the action forward.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It adds to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of tension, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting aligns with the genre standards, making the scene easy to follow and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions and character interactions, fitting the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with a disjointed flow of events that may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters speaking in a stilted manner that does not reflect real human interaction.
  • The use of the Learning Machine as a plot device feels contrived and lacks depth, with the machine serving as a convenient way for characters to gain knowledge without much effort or struggle.
  • The interaction between Terl and Jonnie lacks tension and depth, with Terl's actions and dialogue coming across as predictable and one-dimensional.
  • The transition between scenes is abrupt and could be smoother to improve the overall pacing and coherence of the script.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing more organic and realistic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Provide more context and background information to justify the use of the Learning Machine and make it a more integral part of the plot.
  • Add layers to the relationship between Terl and Jonnie to create more tension and complexity in their interactions.
  • Work on improving the scene transitions to create a more seamless and engaging narrative flow.
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer objective and purpose that advances the overall plot and character development.



Scene 20 -  Confrontation in the Supply Closet
INT. DENVER ZOO -- CAGE -- NIGHT
l
In the corner of the cage, out of view of the others, Jonnie uses I
I'
a stick to fervently work out mathematical equations in the dirt.
Carlo, Heywood and the twins watch, trying to make sense of the
foreign symbols.
SAMMY .
() •• ·.so, that's what the monster's·
language looks like.
Jonnie shakes his head, his eyes shining with the rapture of pure
knowledge as he explains •••
JONNIE
This is mathematics. The unifying
language of ~he entire universe. Look.

EXT. EXECUTIVEOFFICER'S MESS BALL -- THE NEXT DAY
Ker shrugs between mouthfuls of his lunch.
KER
••• So it's taking a bit longer with the
man-animals than we thought. But they
can't be completely brainless if they
were able to fire a probe into space--
TERL
---I'm not sure the man-animals gig fire
that probe into space.
KER
B~t you said th~re was a plaque on it
with the man-animal's picture.
'l'erl slowly sips a pan of kerbango as he ~xplains.
&&




TERI.
What if there was a species on a
different planet that detested man-
animals, and it's easy to see why they
would ••• And this other species. wanting
man-animals exterminated, sent the probe
to us with directions to the man-animal's
planet.
KER
(beat)
I hadn't thought of that. It's very
clever, sir.

INT. SECORITY HEADQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie watching Terl and Ker on a monitor, while reading through
a Psychlo FIELD OPERATIONSMANUAL.
In the rear of the room, the rest of the guys push and pull at
the handle to the massive VAULT.
JONN'IE
,~ranslating from the manual)
The security-Chief should secure the
field vault with an eight-digit
combination code of his selection. Be
should not write this code down, or
tell it to anyone else. And he
shouldn't simply use his Employee ID
number, but be more clever than that.
0: Carlo gives Jonnie a hopeful look.
CARLO
You don't think ••• ?
Jonnie digs through Terl's desk, coming up with a FORM.

JONNIE
The monster in charge is named Terl.
(beat)
Bis employee number is on this
requisition form •••
Be returns Carlo's look with a shrug.

JONNIE (cont'd)
It's worth a shot.
EXT. KEYPAD
BANKVAUI.T-- MOMENTS
LATER

Jonnie punches Terl's empl
An entry light blinks red oyee Id~Number into the vault's keypad.
and the door remains locked.
MICKEY
Gue~5 he was more cleve~ than that.
Jonnie nods, but then--
JUN.NIE
But the question is,~ clever? Let's
try putting the numbers in reverse order
Be inputs Terl's employee Id-Number in reverse order. A beat, the
the.entry light blinks green and the vault swings open.
our guys enter. Jonnie's attention is drawn to the RECORDING
MACHINE,while Carlo, Heywood and the twins check-out the Blast-
Guns and spare Breath-Gas Tanks.
-- LATER
INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS TBAT
DAY
Terl and Ker march past Heywood, Carlo and the twins, who are all
busy painting the walls, and head straight into •••

INT. SUPPLYCLOSET-- CONTINUOUS
This time, Terl dangles .tlfQ dead rats in front Jonnie.
TERL
00 ••• You••• Want ••• Lunch? •••
But Jonnie keeps up his blank-face routine. And is rewarded
for it by being picked-up by the head and launched out into--

INT•..SECURITY BEADQUARTERS-- CONTINUOUS
-
Jonnie skids across·the floor, slamming into a wall. Ter"i
impatiently marches over to him, pullin·g his Blast-Gun.
TERL
It"s obviously asking too much of these
man-animal things to grasp a language
as sophisticated as Psychlo.
But Ker isn't willing to give-up hope of the gold and tries to
sound convincing as--
KER
What if this one is particularly stupid?
Why don't we try to train another one--
TERL
--We don't have timel
Be storms over and grabs a series of surveillance photos from his
desk. Jonnie discreetly signals across the room to •••
Carlo, who holds his breath, praying he doesn't get caught as ...
Be slowly reaches between Terl's legs and pushes the GREENBUTTON,
recording as •••
TERI,
',
,/ I can't keep hiding the recon-photos
from Bome Office, forever. Plus, at the
rate the glacier is melting, the gold's
about to fall into the ravine.
tt'P,
... so, we'll get.it then.
c-------.
, )
__ TERL
We'd have to use explosives. Bame
Office would detect them and send down a
survey team, which means we wouldn't be
able to keep the gold for ourselves.
Be takes one last forlorn look at the photos, then lashes out in
anger, delivering a vicious kick to Jonnie.
TDL (cont'd)
And this damn thing's been on the machine
for two full days now, and still can't
even speak one wordl It's hopeless.
(mind made up)
We terminate the operation and cover our
tracks.
Be points his blast-gun down at Jonnie and--
JONNIE
What word would you like me to speak?
Terl stares at Jonnie in amazement. The man-animal just spoke
Psychlo. But to make sure he ' s not imagining this ••.•
TERL-
••• What did you just ·say?
JONNIE
You heard me. I asked you what word •••

CARLO.
HEYWOOD
ANDTHETWI??S
P,o.v
The rest of the guys can't understand what Jonnie's saying, but
they're shocked to realize •••
Be's speaking to the monsters in their machine-like language, as·
TERL

In an unprecedented public display of joy, hops up and down,
pumping his arms in victory.
TERL
It speaks! It actually speaks!
(as if Jonnie
was a toy)
Go on. Say something else.
JONNIE
Okay. How's this? You"re going to stay
here as our prisoner •••
(instructs Ker)
While you go and bring back a truck.

Terl, more amused than anything, clarifies •••
TERL
Just because I taught you how to speak
Psychlo, you're still the inferior
race ••• Which means~ give you orders.
Is;w don't give me orders. Understand?
JONNIE
I understand that if you don't do
exactly what we tell you to do, we'll
have no choice but to kill you both.
TEm,
Oh, really? And how exactly do you plan
to do that--
Jonnie gives the signal. With a sudden flurry of movement--
Carlo, Heywood, and the twins pull BLAST-GUNSfrom behind their
paint buckets. Jonnie keeps his attention on Terl.
JONNIE
The next time you chose an access code,
you might want to be a bit more clever
than just using your IO number in
reverse.
But Terl's only reaction is to chuckle.
. TERL
You sure they even know how to use those
things--
A COLLECTIVE CLia as our guys slam the levers down on their gun
to kill position. Ker immediately throws his arm up in surrende
And Terl is no longer chuckling. Be looks around at the guns
pointed at him and buries his head in his paws, and }?egins to •••
Bowl with laughter. Convulsing so hard, tears run down his face
TERL (cont'd)
Can you imagine the official report?
(gasps for air)
Bead of Security killed by man-animals!
Still laughing hysterically, he rears back to smack Jonnie. But
Mickey jumps forward and FIRES his gun at Terl--
Only there's nothing but a CLICK. The weapon doesn't fire.
Sarm:nyleaps forward and fires his Blaster. CLia. Bis gun
doesn't work either. Carlo and Heywood get the same result.

HEYWOOD
••• Uh-oh.

Tfer;, still laughing, follows through on his swing, sending Jonn.
1ying across the roam. Then explains to him with a smirk.
- **
,N




TERI,
If you rat-brains knew anything about
firearm safety, you'd know one doesn't
store loaded weapons.
Then he turns to take care of the others. Goes to smack Sam:ny--
But Mickey protectively grabs a LE'I-tER-OPENER from a desk, and wl
blinding speed, plunges the blade straight for Terl's chest--
only as fast as Mickey is, Terl is faster, and he deflects the
blow with his arm, sustaining a small cut in the process.
Terl then promptly relieves Mickey of the letter-opener and seize
the trembling twin by the throat, holding him firmly i~ place as-
TERL
Next time you want to stab someone, let
me show you how to do it right--
Be raises the sharp blade ·high above Mickey's chest--
JONNIE
(steel in his voice)
You hurt him, I won't mine your gold!
Terl pauses to consider this. Then turns and convincingly bluffs·
TERI,
Then I'll vaporize you and get s~o~e
~lse to mine the gold--
JONNIE
--You don't have time. You can't keep
hiding the recon-photos from Bome Office,
forever. And the glacier is melting.
In that one moment, Terl's whole world is turned upside down.
Jonnie gives Terl a dangerous smile.
JONNIE (cont'd)
Man getting leverage over a Psychlo.
That would be the day, wouldn't it?
Rage burns openly in Terl's eyes, but he lowers the weapon and
calmly turns to Ker.
TERL
••• I think it's time we showed our
little friend here a thing or two.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie and the other man-animals confront Terl in the supply closet. Terl reveals his plans to terminate the operation and cover their tracks, but Jonnie threatens to expose the Psychlos' plans if he harms Mickey. The scene ends with Terl deciding to show Jonnie a thing or two, leaving the audience in suspense about what will happen next.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Unexpected twists
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, conflict, and unexpected twists. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and sets up a significant power shift.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using language as a tool for manipulation and control is well-executed. The introduction of the learning machine adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and fast-paced, with high stakes and significant character development. The power dynamics between the characters drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique world with advanced technologies and a power struggle between different species. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Their interactions and decisions drive the conflict and keep the audience invested.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows growth and assertiveness in standing up to Terl. Terl experiences a shift in power dynamics and faces unexpected challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to outsmart and gain leverage over the Psychlo, particularly Terl, by using his knowledge and wit to manipulate the situation in his favor.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to gain control over the situation and potentially escape from the Psychlo's control.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and psychological elements at play. The power struggle between the characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives and power dynamics on the line. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, power dynamics, and character motivations. It sets up future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the power dynamics and character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the power struggle between the dominant Psychlo species and the oppressed man-animals. It challenges the beliefs of superiority and control held by the Psychlo.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and defiance in the characters and the audience. The emotional stakes are high, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' intentions and emotions effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense interactions, power dynamics, and the high stakes involved. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and interactions. It effectively builds tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It's not clear why Jonnie is working out mathematical equations in the dirt or why the others are watching him.
  • The transition between the cage scene and the Executive Officer's Mess Ball scene is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Ker and Terl at the Executive Officer's Mess Ball feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and conflict, which is essential for engaging the audience and driving the story forward.
  • The visual elements in the scene are not well-described, making it challenging for the reader to visualize the setting and characters' actions.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context for why Jonnie is working on mathematical equations and how it relates to the overall plot.
  • Consider revising the transition between scenes to create a smoother flow and better connect the different story elements.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful dialogue between characters to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Introduce more conflict and tension to drive the scene forward and keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.



Scene 21 -  Terl's Library Tour
EXT. DENVER LIBRARY -- THAT DAY·

A Mark II Ground Car is parked in front of the library. Locked
in a cage in the rear of the vehicle--

INT. CARGOCAGE-- CONTINUOUS
carlo, Heywood and the twins watch with concern as Terl drags
Jonnie by a leash across the street and up marble steps.
'l"'"[j":J/" ' - •




INT. DENVERLIBRARY-- CONCOURSE
-- MOMENTS
LATER
Terl's usual deep throated voice sounds even more ominous as it
echoes eerily in the library's expansive entryway.
TERL
As long as you cling to the feeble hope
that you can get the better of me,
you'll be distracted from the important
work which needs to be done. Which is
why I share the following with you •••
Be gives the leash a good hard jerk, yanking Jonnie down a--

INT. CORRIDOR CONTINUOUS
Terl moves at his normal gait, forcing Jonnie to run to keep up.
TERL (cont'd)
When we attacked your planet, all your
soldiers, using your best military
technology, were only able to put-up a
measly nine minute fight before we
exterminated them, along with all but
a few of the six billion humans
polluting this planet.
Be snaps the leash, whiplashing Jonnie into--

INT. CENTRALRESEARCHROOM-- CONTINUOUS
The shelves lining this cavernous tomb of a room are stacked full
of books. An endless variety of subjects and titles.
TERL (cont'd)
Everything you humans knew is in here.
Be makes a big production of letting go of the leash, giving
Jonnie full run of the place.

TERI. (cont'd)
And you can look at anything you want.
Because there"s nothing that can help
you.
Be watches amused as Jonnie takes him up on his offer, pulling
books from shelves. Terl can't resist calling after him--
TERI. (cont'd)
But I'm sure you'll find a lot of recipes
on how to prepare raw rat.
Terl cracks-up, finding this particularly entertaining.

CAR -- LATERTHATDAY
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Terl leads a captive Jonnie into the Denver Library, mocking her search for help. Despite his taunts, Jonnie remains defiant, tearing books from the shelves as Terl observes with eerie amusement.
Strengths
  • Tense confrontation between Terl and Jonnie
  • Sharp and impactful dialogue
  • Reveals crucial information about the characters and their motivations
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, filled with tension, and reveals crucial information about the power dynamics between Terl and Jonnie. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a library as a setting for a confrontation between the antagonist and protagonist is innovative and adds depth to the scene. The scene effectively explores the theme of power and knowledge.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Terl asserts his dominance over Jonnie and reveals key information about the past events. The conflict between the characters escalates, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the alien invasion trope by focusing on the psychological and emotional impact on the human characters. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Terl and Jonnie are well-developed in this scene, with Terl displaying his menacing nature and Jonnie showing resilience in the face of adversity. Their interactions drive the tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows resilience and defiance in the face of Terl's intimidation, signaling a shift in his character as he begins to challenge his oppressor. Terl's menacing nature is further revealed, deepening his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal in this scene is to resist and defy Terl's attempts to intimidate and control him. This reflects Jonnie's desire for freedom and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal in this scene is to survive and find a way to resist the alien invaders. This reflects the immediate challenge of being held captive and threatened by Terl.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Terl and Jonnie reaches a peak in this scene, with Terl asserting his dominance and Jonnie resisting his control. The tension between the characters creates a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Terl exerting control over Jonnie and creating obstacles for him to overcome. The audience is unsure of how Jonnie will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Terl exerts his control over Jonnie and reveals his power to manipulate and intimidate. Jonnie's defiance raises the stakes even further, setting the stage for a dramatic confrontation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the characters and their motivations. It sets the stage for future conflicts and developments, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected twists in the dialogue. The audience is kept on edge wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the belief in human resilience and the alien belief in superiority and domination. This challenges Jonnie's values of freedom and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to defiance and resilience. The power dynamics between Terl and Jonnie create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It effectively conveys the power dynamics between Terl and Jonnie.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tense atmosphere, and dynamic character interactions. The dialogue and action keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in the interaction between Terl and Jonnie.
  • The dialogue feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, especially in portraying the power dynamic between Terl and Jonnie.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the library.
  • The transition between locations could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Terl's characterization could be further developed to make him a more compelling and complex antagonist.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspense and tension to the scene by emphasizing the power struggle between Terl and Jonnie.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more engaging and reflective of the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • Include vivid visual descriptions to bring the library setting to life and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Work on the pacing and transitions between locations to ensure a seamless progression of the scene.
  • Consider delving deeper into Terl's character to make him a more multifaceted and intriguing villain.



Scene 22 -  Preparing for Relocation
INT. CARGOCAGE-- REAROF GROUND
Mickey pensively shakes his head, fearing the worst.
MICKEY
Think he's still alive?
HEYWOOD
If he is, he probably wishes he wasn't ••.
A darkness hangs over the cage as everyone continues to stare u~
at the library, where--

:INT. DENVERLIBRARY-- CENTRALRESEARCHROOM-- CONTINUOUS
Terl is filing his talons. Across from him, Jonnie finishes
looking through a large stack of books.
TERL
Satisfied?
JONNIE
Yes.

As Jonnie heads for the door, Terl steals a peek at the book he
was just looking at. It's the Declaration of Independence.
But Terl can't read English. Unconcerned, he. just shrugs,
swatting the book across the room.

~. DOMEDCITY -- EDGEOF A FtELD -- A LITTLE LATER
. . .
0n·a rise overlooking the domed city, a herd of grazing cows cas
curious stares across the field a.s the Hark ;I Ground Car pulls
Terl emerges from the vehicle, followed by Jonnie.
TERI,

I You will soon be relocated to a new
mining site. And if any of you get any
bright ideas about escaping, keep in
mind that while you rat-brains may not
know anything about firearms, I
certainly do. I just happened to be
top marksman of my graduating class.
And I can kill any of you at well over
a thousand paces •••
(to Jonnie)
Tell them what I just said.
JONNIE
(relays to
the others)
If we try to escape, he'll shoot us.
Terl waits for Jonnie to continue. And when he doesn't •••
TERL
That's it?
Jonnie nods. Terl is surprised; but shrugs and continues with t
subject at hand. Be pulls his Blast-Gun, explaining--
TERI. (cont'd)
Allow me to demonstrate.
Be turns and FIRES into the middle of the--
GRAZINGCOWS
Killing several of the animals. The others take off in a panickec
stmnpede of churning hooves. Terl continues to calmly fire-- _
Blasting the legs clean off the fast-moving animals. Sending
them collapsing to the ground, BELLOWING in anguished torture.
Terl shows off with some trick shots. Fram behind the back.
With his eyes closed. All with the same horrific result •••
The field littered with a bloody sea of suffering animals thrash.i
around helplessly. sensing something behind them. Jonnie turns--
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Trapped in the cargo cage, Mickey and Heywood fear their fate. Terl learns of Jonnie's discovery of the Declaration of Independence in the library. Deciding to relocate the group, Terl warns against escape and demonstrates his deadly shooting abilities by killing cows.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Riveting power dynamics
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, dark, and filled with conflict, effectively portraying the brutality of Terl and the high stakes faced by the characters. The tension is palpable, and the emotional impact is significant.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using violence and manipulation to control others, as well as the exploration of power dynamics and survival instincts, is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Terl asserts his dominance and control over the characters, setting up a power struggle and potential rebellion. The scene sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique technological elements like the Blast-Gun and Ground Car, and presents a fresh approach to power dynamics and control. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Terl is portrayed as a ruthless and cunning antagonist, while Jonnie and the other characters show resilience and defiance in the face of danger. The characters' motivations and actions drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to Terl's actions reveal their strengths, weaknesses, and motivations, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Mickey's internal goal in this scene is to find out if someone is still alive, reflecting his fear and concern for the well-being of others.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive and avoid being shot by Terl, reflecting the immediate danger and threat they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical violence, psychological manipulation, and power struggles. The characters are pushed to their limits, creating a high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of violence and control creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the characters' lives being threatened, the power struggle between Terl and the humans, and the potential consequences of rebellion. The characters face life-or-death situations and must make difficult choices.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between the characters and setting up future confrontations and plot developments. It establishes the power dynamics and motivations driving the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of Terl and the escalating tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between power and control, as represented by Terl's actions and the fear he instills in the others. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in freedom and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters facing Terl's brutality. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' resilience and defiance in the face of danger.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the power dynamics and threats present in the scene. It showcases the characters' personalities and motivations through their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and danger present, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conveys the power dynamics between the characters. It follows the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it transitions abruptly from Mickey's pensive thoughts to Terl filing his talons in the library.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Jonnie feels forced and lacks depth, with Terl's actions being more focused on showcasing his marksmanship rather than advancing the plot or character development.
  • The visual descriptions are lacking in detail, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the scene and connect with the characters and their surroundings.
  • The transition from the library to the domed city is disjointed and does not flow smoothly, leaving the reader confused about the setting and timeline.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to create a sense of tension or conflict between the characters, resulting in a flat and unengaging interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer narrative arc and purpose, with a focus on advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Terl and Jonnie to add depth and complexity to their interaction, focusing on building tension and conflict.
  • Provide more detailed visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting that helps the reader connect with the characters and their environment.
  • Improve the transition between different locations to ensure a smooth and coherent flow of the scene, maintaining clarity for the reader.
  • Add emotional depth and tension to the scene by introducing conflicts or stakes that drive the characters' actions and interactions, making the scene more engaging and impactful.



Scene 23 -  Confrontation in the Field
EXT. ACROSSTHE FIELD -- CONTINUOUS
A GRIZZLYBEARemerges from an abandoned building. Nostrils
flaring at the smell of bloo4. And with a growl, he charges at--

EXT. EDGEOF TSE FIELD -- CONTINUOUS
Terl, who is too busy with his shooting demonstration, to.notice.

~''
\"'-__.)
But he does note the look in Johnie"s·
away. And misreading it as revulsion
eyes as Jonnie starts back
to the carnage on the fielc
TERI,
Don't you know your own history? Man-
kind was the only animal on this planet
that hunted other animals for sport •••
(has to admit)
Which means there might be sOine hope for
your species after all--
The GRIZZLYslams into Terl from behind--
The fierce impact jars the gun from Terl's grasp as he's violent)
MAULED down. And with the grizzly on his back, pinning him down,
Terl is unable to get his own talons up at--
TBE BEAR

Who is starting to do dam.age. Powerful claws savagely slashing
into Terl's flesh as Terl remains unable to defend himself.
Jonnie scoops up the gun, switches it to stun position and FIRES.
Knocking the grizzly flat by the shot. Carlo can"t believe it ..
CARLO
What are you doing? Let the bear rip
him to shreds--
Jonnie raises the weapon on Terl, who bloodied and bruised, sits
himself up and gives Jonnie a friendly smile.
:,w·:,:;;·m:::r·::-::::r::: ::r:-e .......... ==·::::r:::=:::::r:: ==-· =-




TERL
Look, we can work out a deal. There's
more than enough gold to go around--
JONNIE
--You're in no position to be making a
deal.
Be switches the gun into kill position.
CARLO
(now understanding)
You're right. It's better B kill him.
And for the first time, there is terror in Terl' s eyes. Be braci
himself, waiting for the shot. Be doesn't have to wait long •••
KABLAMI

'l'erl's eyes open wide in shock.
Be hasn't been hit. 'I'he shot was directed at one of the sufferi1
cows behind him, as Jonnie humanely ends the animal's misery.

BLAMI BLAHJ BLAM J

Jonnie does the same with the rest of the herd. Terl has to smi 1


at the irony of it •••
',
, I

Vr TERI,
You"ve learned more Psychlo than'I
thought possible.
ever

JONNIE
What are you talking about?
TERI,
'I'o toy with me like this before you kill
me. I'm impressed •••
(genuinely)
You honor me.
Be closes his eyes, bows his head, ready for his execution.
Jonnie stands there, the gun now sighted on 'I'erl. Bis finger
aching to pull the trigger. But he doesn't •••
CARLO
What are you waiting for? 1 Kill himl
JONNIE
If I kill him, then what do we do?
MICKEY
Get the hell out of here!
JONNIE
'I'o what kind of life?l Always looking
over out shoulders, waiting for another
, monster to come hunt us down•••
7F 6 . ,-&:tr#&·+ 11 w w,¾i '3iCFE1'Wtrttt::mt




'l'ERL can'tunderstand what the man-animals are babbling about.
But his eyes remain focused on the gun in Jennie's hand, waiting
for a chance to grab it--
(J But Jonnie keeps the weapon leveled on Terl's chest, as he
continues to address the others •••
JONNIE (cont'd)
••• And what about the others back at the
mining camp?
CARLO
'l'here•s
nothing we can do about them.
(resigned)
Only the Gods can free them. ·
JONNIE
'l'hose lights we see in the sky at night.
They are .D2t Gods watching down on us.
CARLO
••• What are you talking about?
JONNIE
I learned our history, today. OUr
ancestors built flying machines that
went up into the heavens. I saw the
pictures with my own.eyes •••
(re: the stars). .
'l'hose are planets • Like this ·one. They
are not gods waiting to come and save us.
Be waits a long beat for everyone to digest this, then •••
JONNIE (cont'd)
And the great villages weren •t built by __
gods. They were built by people, just
like us. Men and women who cherished
one thing above all else. Freedom.
(impassioned)
It meant so much to them, they'd fight
to the death for it if they had to. In
fa~t, many of them did.
Inspired, Mickey immediately steps forward.
MICKEY
You're right •••
Bis voice is a bit jmpulsive, but full of conviction.
MICKEY(cont'd)
We can• t run away from the monsters. we
have to fight .twm}l
Ris brother, Sammy, immediately joins him. Heywood also steps
forward in solidarity. But Carlo isn't so sure •••
CARLO
Bow the hell are we going to fight them?
JONNIE
I'm not sure, yet. But I do know we're
not ready. We need to learn more about
them. Like their weaknesses.
(concedes)
And we're going to have to learn other
stuff as well. I mean, we didn't even
know the guns weren't going to work.
A long beat, then with the look of a man who knows he's going to
regret this, Carlo steps forward, joining the others with a sigh
CARLO
••• Which is why we .have to go back.
'l'erl watches as the damnedest thing happens •••
Jonnie turns to him, returning the gun to him. explaining it wit
JONNIE
Surely someone as smart as you has some
secret plan to stop me from shooting you.
If I tried, you would have killed me.
In the blink of an eye, Terl shifts his demeanor back to his old
caustic self--
TERI.
Damn right Iwould have, .rat-brain I
(chortles)
That's the first intelligent thing
you've said, yet.
Be points Jonnie to the far edge of the field.
TERL (cont'd)
Rest-break's over. There's something
else you need to see--
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary A tense encounter between ruthless hunter Terl and compassionate Jonnie unfolds as a grizzly bear attacks. Jonnie's refusal to kill the disarmed Terl triggers a debate. Carlo's pessimism clashes with Jonnie's optimism, who urges the group to learn and fight against unknown monsters. Reluctantly, they agree to return to the mining camp, united in their resolve to confront the future.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Theme exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some actions may feel predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and moves the story forward significantly. It sets up a major conflict and introduces important themes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of standing up against oppression, learning about the enemy, and the moral dilemma of killing or sparing a foe are well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the decision-making process of the characters and the introduction of the idea of fighting back against the Psychlos.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique post-apocalyptic world with mutated animals and a focus on moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth, especially Jonnie and Terl, as they face a moral dilemma and reveal their true intentions.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows growth and a shift in perspective as he grapples with the decision to kill Terl. Terl also reveals more about his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his humanity and moral compass in a brutal and unforgiving world. He struggles with the decision to kill or show mercy, reflecting his deeper desire for justice and compassion.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and protect his group from the threats in the world, including the grizzly bear and the mutated animals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jonnie and Terl, as well as the internal conflicts within the group of characters, create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and motivations among the characters. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face a life-or-death decision and the possibility of fighting back against their oppressors.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, themes, and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist's decision to show mercy instead of killing. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in mercy and compassion versus the other characters' belief in survival at all costs. This challenges the protagonist's values and forces him to make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, hope, determination, and resignation in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character development. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. It effectively conveys the intensity and urgency of the situation.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a typical action sequence format, with a buildup of tension and a resolution. It effectively conveys the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a grizzly bear attacking Terl while he is busy with a shooting demonstration, which seems like an abrupt and disconnected event from the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Jonnie about humanity's history and the concept of freedom feels forced and heavy-handed, lacking subtlety and nuance.
  • The sudden shift in Terl's demeanor from being mauled by the bear to making deals with Jonnie seems unrealistic and inconsistent.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Jonnie and Terl, where Jonnie spares Terl's life, feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion.
  • The transition from the intense confrontation to Terl showing Jonnie something else without much context or buildup is jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating the grizzly bear attack more smoothly into the scene to ensure it feels like a natural progression from the previous events.
  • Refine the dialogue between Terl and Jonnie to make it more organic and realistic, avoiding heavy-handed exposition.
  • Develop the character motivations and reactions more consistently, especially in moments of conflict and resolution.
  • Provide a more gradual and satisfying resolution to the conflict between Jonnie and Terl, allowing for a more impactful and meaningful conclusion.
  • Improve the transition between different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 24 -  Terl's Warning
EXT. FAR EDGEOF THE FIELD -- OVERLOOKING
DENVER-- A LITTLE LATE
Terl proudly points down to the domed city below.
TERI,
That entire city doesn't even equal QM
block in one of the hundreds of
thousands of cities on the great Bome
Planet of Pf"ychlo. And from there, we
control countless outposts all over the
universe. Each one much larger than
this. One of those outposts used to be
the Chink.o's planet.
'l'erl stares Jonnie straight in the eye, making sure he understandi
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TERL (cont'd)
'l'he Chinkos were the ones who designed
the Learning Machine. They were far
more advanced than you rat-brains. And
when they tried to revolt, we sent down
our gas drones, and within minutes every
last one of them was exterminated.
(sure of this)
So get it through your litUe excuse for
a brain. There is no way a species as
primitive as yours could~ defeat us.
Be lets Jonnie chew on that
for a beat, then concedes •••
TERI. ( oont:' d)
But you were right about one small thing.
If you refuse to mine the gold, I may not
have enough time to train anyone else.
Which is why it is :hnpttrati ve that ¼'OU
are properly motivated--
A SECONDMark II Ground Car pulls up. Ker emerges from the
vehicle and opens the trunk, pulling out--
CJIBlSSY.
Relief floods her eyes when she sees Jonnie. At least he's alive
But as hard as it is to do, Jonnie gives Chrissy an emotionless
vacant look. Like she means nothing to b_im.• •
And Chrissy senses enough to duplicate.this look. Terl watches
Jonnie very closely.
TERI,
••• You don't know her?
Be pulls out Cbrisey's charcoal drawing of Jonnie.
TERL (cont'd)
This was on her when she was collected •
.;ronnie tries to hide the fear in his eyes at what Terl might do.
Be doesn't have to wait long to find out •••
Terl holds up a CBOKE-COLLAR
with a red square on it.
TERL (cont'd)
This collar has enough explosive to
easily remove her head from her body.
Be secures the collar to Chrissy's neck, then pulls a REMOTE
CONTROL.
TERL (cont'd)
And this remote can activate the
explosive from anywhere on the planet.
so if you ever disobey me, let me show
you exactly what will happen.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Terl, a powerful alien, reveals the superiority of his planet, Pf'ychlo, and threatens to kill Chrissy if Jonnie disobeys him. Jonnie, understanding the futility of resistance, reluctantly concedes. Terl demonstrates his control by attaching a choke-collar to Chrissy's neck, leaving Jonnie with the chilling realization of his powerlessness.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Innovative concepts
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping, filled with tension and suspense. The power dynamics between Terl and Jonnie are well-developed, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of training man-animals to mine gold is innovative and adds depth to the story. The use of explosive collars and remote control to control Chrissy's actions is a unique and intriguing concept.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about Terl's plans and the introduction of new elements like the explosive collars. The conflict between characters drives the plot forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique technology like gas drones and explosive collars, adding a fresh twist to the familiar theme of alien domination.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Terl and Jonnie, are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The scene showcases their strengths and weaknesses effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows defiance and courage in standing up to Terl, while Terl's manipulative and ruthless nature is further revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and protect his loved ones, as seen in his emotionless reaction to Chrissy and his attempt to hide his fear from Terl.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being killed or harmed by Terl, as evidenced by the threat of the explosive collar on Chrissy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Terl and Jonnie, as well as the overall power struggle, is intense and drives the scene forward. The high stakes add to the tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and a powerful antagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident with the threat of explosive collars, the power struggle between Terl and Jonnie, and the overall risk faced by the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, escalating the conflict, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the threat of the explosive collar and the characters' shifting emotions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the advanced, powerful alien race represented by Terl and the primitive, rebellious humans like Jonnie. It challenges Jonnie's beliefs about his own species' capabilities and the consequences of defying the aliens.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and defiance in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the power dynamics between characters and adding to the tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful dialogue, and the threat of violence.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of threats and emotions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical structure for a sci-fi thriller, with escalating tension and a clear conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth in character development, particularly in the interaction between Terl and Jonnie. More insight into their motivations and emotions would enhance the scene.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and could benefit from more natural and authentic exchanges between the characters.
  • The threat of the explosive collar and remote control is a common trope and could be more creatively executed to add originality to the scene.
  • The visual elements could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging setting, such as describing the domed city of Denver in more detail.
  • The tension in the scene could be heightened by building up the conflict between Terl and Jonnie, leading to a more impactful resolution.
Suggestions
  • Add depth to the characters by exploring their inner thoughts and feelings, especially during moments of conflict.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more organic and reflective of each character's unique voice and personality.
  • Consider a more innovative approach to the threat of the explosive collar, perhaps introducing a twist or unexpected turn of events.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a more vivid picture of the setting and create a stronger sense of atmosphere.
  • Build up the tension gradually throughout the scene to create a more suspenseful and engaging narrative.



Scene 25 -  The Sacrifice
EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD -- A LITTLE LATER
-squared collar a.round Heywood's neck.
Ker secures a secon d red

JONNIE
Listen, you winl I'll mine your gold.
And I know you don't owe me any favors •••
But please, don't kill him!
Terl stares at Jonnie. A long beat. Then he finally relents •••
TERL
Fine ••• As a gesture to our new working
relationship, I will grant you this mm,
request. I won't kill him. But you can
never ask for anything else again.
JONNIE
I won't. And thank-you--
Terl nonchalantly tosses the remote to Ker.
'l'ERt
As I said, I won't kill him •••

Ker gives Jonnie an evil grin, then slowly pushes the button--
JtABLAMJ J

Heywood is no longer among the living.· Terl and Ker laugh their
asses off at the shocked betrayal on Jennie's face.
TERI.
••• Stupid humans.

EXT. DENVERZOO -- 'l'BATNIGBT
Returning the burnecs to their cage fort.he night, Terl stares at
Mickey and Sammy. Impossible to tell the twins apart •••
The two young brothers watch with growing concern as Terl motions
to them, while asking Jonnie something in Psychlo.
SAMMY
... What did he say?
JONNIE
Be wants to know which one of you tried
to stab him.
A look of knowing terror in Mickey's eyes.
MICKEY
Why? What's he going to do?
JONNIE
Unfortunately, there's no way of
telling.
Mickey nods, accepting his fate, whatever it may be. Be turns--
But Sammyhas already stepped forward. sacrificing himself to
Terl. Mickey, stunned, tries to stop him--
MICKEY
, What are you doing? J I.:.m the one who--
SAMMY
--You were just trying to protect me.
Terl grabs Sammy and Jonnie and marches away.

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- A LI'l"I'LE LATER
Terl straps Sammy to the teleportation platform, then calmly
drags Jonnie down to--
EXT. CON'l'ROLBtJ'NlCER
-- MOMENTS
LATER
'l'erl punches commands into a console. over the.hum of the
generators coming to life, Terl explains to Jonnie •••
TERI,
Now that you and I have our little
agreement straight, I want you to watch
this, so you can tell the others· ·
what'll happen to them if any of. you
ever disobey me.
Be points Jennie's attention to a monitor, beaming bacK images o
teleportation platforms on the BOMEPLANETOF PSYCBLOas •••
AUTOMATED VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
Teleportation in five ••• In four ••• In
three ••• In two ••• In one •••

EXT. TELEPORTATION -- CONTINUOUS
PLATFORM
With a TBUNDER-CLAP
of sound and a BLINDINGFLASB of light •••
sammy
disopoears from the platform--

EXT. PLANETPSYCELO-- TELEPORTATION
CENTER-- CONTINUOUS
And appears on one of the countless teleportation platforms
stretched out under a radiant purple sky.
Sammy can't breath the air. Starting to suffocate.
Panicking, the youngster desperately undoes the strap tethe~ing
him to the platform and tries to run to safety, but--
The much larger planet's immense gravitational pull crushes him
to his knees. Bis eyes bulging, he stares out at a--
SKYLINE
NIGHTMARISH
Endless rows of factories belching fire crammed between office
buildings thousands of times taller than the world Trade Center.
SAMMY

Lets out a gasping plea for help as his spine starts to crack
under the atmospheric weight. And the last thing he sees are •••
PSYCBLOWORXERS
crowding around him in curious amusement. As if observing an
insect cooking in a microwave. Until •••
The young twin literally IMPLODES. Bis body caving in on itself
mercifully ending the suffering.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Ker detonates the explosive in Heywood's collar, killing him. Terl grants Jonnie's request to spare Heywood after she agrees to never ask for anything else again. Jonnie confirms that Terl wants to know which twin tried to stab him, and Sammy sacrifices himself to protect Mickey. Terl teleports Sammy to the Psychlo home planet, where he dies due to the immense gravitational pull. Terl shows Jonnie a monitor displaying images of teleportation platforms on the Psychlo home planet and explains that this is what will happen to anyone who disobeys him.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, with a strong mix of tension, emotion, and action. The betrayal and sacrifice add depth to the story and keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced technology like teleportation and exploring power dynamics between characters is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and full of twists, especially with the betrayal and sacrifice of characters. It keeps the story moving forward and adds layers to the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the remote-controlled collar and the teleportation platform, adding fresh twists to the familiar sci-fi genre. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and emotion, especially in moments of betrayal and sacrifice. Their reactions and decisions drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

Characters undergo changes, especially in moments of betrayal and sacrifice. These events shape their decisions and relationships, adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to protect the humans and survive in the face of the Psychlos' cruelty.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to navigate the dangerous situation with the Psychlos and protect the humans from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing betrayal, sacrifice, and power struggles. It keeps the audience on edge and drives the story forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the humans facing insurmountable odds and the threat of the Psychlos' cruelty creating tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, betrayals, and sacrifices. The outcome has a significant impact on the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts, betrayals, and sacrifices that impact the characters and plot.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the Psychlos' belief in their superiority and the humans' desire for freedom and survival. This challenges Jonnie's beliefs in the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions like fear, desperation, and betrayal, especially with the sacrifice of a character. It resonates with the audience and adds depth to the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially in conveying the tension and emotion of the scene. It effectively reveals the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, suspenseful action, and emotional impact. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in Jonnie's struggle.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that drive the narrative forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations, maintaining the tension and pacing effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sudden and shocking betrayal by Terl, which adds a dark and intense twist to the story.
  • The emotional impact of Heywood's death is significant, as it shows the ruthless nature of Terl and the dire consequences of disobedience.
  • The sacrifice of Sammy adds depth to the characters and highlights the selflessness and bravery of the humans in the face of danger.
  • The use of the teleportation platform to send Sammy to the Psychlo home planet creates a sense of hopelessness and despair, setting up a high-stakes conflict.
  • The vivid description of the Planet PsycheLo and Sammy's tragic fate effectively conveys the oppressive and cruel nature of the Psychlos.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Jonnie as she witnesses the sacrifices and betrayals, to deepen her character development.
  • Explore the emotional aftermath of Heywood's death and Sammy's sacrifice on the remaining characters, to show the impact of loss and sacrifice.
  • Provide more insight into Terl's motivations and mindset during these intense moments, to add complexity to his character and actions.
  • Consider incorporating moments of resilience and unity among the humans in the face of adversity, to showcase their strength and determination.
  • Continue to build tension and suspense leading up to the climax of the scene, to keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.



Scene 26 -  Terrifying Torture and a Secret Agenda
INT. EARTB-- TELEPORTATION
CONTROLBONDR -- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie rips his eyes away from the abominable scene playing on
the monitor. In contrast •••
'l'erl views it to its bitter end, clucking the whole time with
enjoyment.

:INT. EMPLOYEE HALL:-- CONTINUOUS
RECREATION
A bunch o·f Psychlos crowd aro~d the bar, :con~uming kerb~go,
including the RESEARCHCI.Ell that Terl checked out the discs £re
Ker joins the group, shaking his head despondently.
KER
I just got the worst news. My cousin
Numph got vaporized .•.
Everyone is surprised by Ker's un-Psychlo like grief.
KER (cont'd)
••• The bastard owed me over a thousand
c~editsl Now I'll never get it.
The group nods, now understanding.
KER (cont'd)
But it's the idiot's own fault. Be knew
about a planned mutiny attempt, but
failed to report it.
The Psychlos give a collective 'Be got what he had coming,'
shrug, then return to their kerbango as .••
The research clerk leans over to Ker, nonchalantly inquiring:
RESEARCB CLERK
Just wondering. Bow exactly did they
find out he knew about the mutiny?
~
Be was on a remote rim star planet, not
unlike this one, where just like here,
they secretly record and archive All
conversations.
(~) This is news to the research clerk.
\, ______
~,.,,;'


RER (cont'd)
So, if there was ever a mutiny, we'd
obviously review every recording •••
(dark laugh)
And I'd sure hate to be the poor bastard
who knew about it, but didn't report it.

DtT. DENVERZOO -- CAGE-- THATNIGHT
A guard tosses Jonnie back into the cage. Mickey tentatively
approaches him, afraid to ask the question, but bas to •••
MICKEY
What happened to my brother?
Jonnie stares at him. A long, difficult beat •. Then finally--
JONNIE
The monster sent him up to their home
planet •••
Before he can continue, Mickey exhales, relieved.
-MICXEY · .
••• Thank god, because I thought for sure
he was going to kill him.
Jonnie continues to stare at Mickey, his heart breaking. But fox
the life of him, he just can't bring himself to tell him the rest

nr.t'. DENVERHOTEL-- CONTINUOUS
'l'erl hurries down a hallway. A pair of GUARDSsnap a salute and
iimnediately open a door, allowing him into--

-- CONTINUOUS
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a haunting scene, Jonnie is forced to witness the gruesome torture and death of an individual, while Terl revels in his suffering. Ker, torn between loyalty and grief, expresses relief that his cousin was punished for withholding information about a mutiny attempt. Terl reveals the chilling fact that conversations are covertly recorded on remote planets, implying severe consequences for those who fail to report any hint of rebellion. Mickey learns the fate of his brother, while Terl's secretive and manipulative nature remains a constant threat. As Terl enters a hidden location, the scene ends on a note of suspense and trepidation, leaving viewers with an unsettling sense of dread.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Complexity may be overwhelming for some viewers
  • Some elements may require suspension of disbelief

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal to the plot, with significant character development and high stakes. The dialogue is engaging, and the conflict is well-executed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of training man-animals to mine gold, the use of learning machines, and the exploration of power dynamics between the Psychlos and humans are intriguing and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot is complex, with multiple layers of deception, manipulation, and survival tactics. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the Psychlos society and their values, as well as the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jonnie and Terl, undergo significant development in this scene, showcasing their strengths, weaknesses, and motivations. The interactions between the characters drive the tension and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Jonnie, who shows resilience, courage, and strategic thinking in the face of danger. The choices and actions of the characters drive the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to protect Mickey and keep him safe from harm. This reflects his deeper need for connection and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dangerous world of the Psychlos and survive their schemes and betrayals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with high stakes, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The power struggle between the characters drives the tension and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with life-and-death decisions, betrayals, and power struggles at play. The characters' fates hang in the balance, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revealing character motivations, and setting up future events. It advances the plot and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Characters must decide whether to protect their loved ones or save themselves from danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with moments of fear, sadness, tension, and determination. The emotional impact adds depth to the character arcs and the overall narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' intentions and emotions effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and dramatic tension between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for emotional moments to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a gruesome and disturbing image on the monitor, which sets a dark and intense tone. Terl's enjoyment of the scene adds to his villainous character, creating a sense of dread and fear.
  • The dialogue in the Employee Recreation Hall reveals Ker's personal loss and the callous nature of the Psychlos, highlighting their lack of empathy and materialistic values.
  • The revelation about the remote star planet recording all conversations adds an element of surveillance and control, emphasizing the oppressive nature of the Psychlos' society.
  • The transition to the Denver Zoo cage shows the emotional impact of the news on Jonnie and Mickey, adding depth to their characters and setting up a sense of impending conflict.
  • The scene ends with Terl's hurried movements and the guards' salute, indicating a shift in power dynamics and hinting at a significant event about to take place.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or reactions from Jonnie to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Explore the impact of the news about Mickey's brother on the group dynamics in the Denver Zoo cage to create more tension and suspense.
  • Build up the anticipation and foreshadowing of the upcoming event involving Terl's hurried actions and the guards' salute to create a sense of impending danger or conflict.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the different locations and characters to maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Consider incorporating more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting and emotions of the characters.



Scene 27 -  Assistant Planetship's Treachery Uncovered
INT. PLANETSBIP'S LIVING QUARTERS
~er and the research clerk are in the room with the Planetship.
TERL
You wanted to see me--
PLANETSBIP
--It's my assistant! Be's the bastard
planning the mutiny.
'l'erl does an impressive job of acting shocked by the news.

IN'l'. ~SISTAN'l' PLANETSBIP'SLIVING QUARTERS
-- A LI'l"l'LE LATER
The Assistant Planetship doesn"t have to act. Be ii shocked.
- 4,q ,,,, a;;




l
A MfNE




ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
Why the hell would I want to do that?l
Terl slips a disc into a machine, playing a recording of •••

INT. RESEARCHCENTER -- ONTHEMONITOR
Terl, convincingly disguised as the Assistant Planetship, leaning
in with a conspiratorial whisper to the Research Clerk.
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
••• can you keep a secret?
RESEARca·CLERK
I'd like to think so.

INT. ASSISTANT PLANETSHIP'S LIVING QUARTERS-- CONTINUOUS
The Assistant Planetship shakes his head, pointing to the person
who looks just like him on the monitor.
ASSISTANT PLANETSBIP
That's DQt me! I never said that!
PLANETSBIP
Oh shut up! We know it's you. You were
stupid enough to sign yQur own riame--
t Be hoids up the sign-out sheet, bearing Terl '·s perfect forgery. of.
C, the Assistant Planetship's signature. ON TSE MONITOR •••

INT. RESEARCHCENTER-- ONTBEMONITOR
Terl, in the guise of the Assistant Planetship, looks around,
making sure no one's listening, before 'confiding' •••
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
••• Why the hell should we put up with
reduced pay and no vacations, all
because our incompetent Planetship has
no idea how to properly run this place?
RESEARCHCLERK
I don't think the fat-ass could run any
planet--

INT. ASSISTANT PLANETSBIP'S LIVING QUARTERS-- CONTINUOUS
The Research Clerk immediately turns to the Planetship, insisting •.
RESEARCHCLERK
I only said that, sir, to trick him into
telling me the plan, so I could
immediately come and warn you of itl
The Planetship gives a gruff nod and continues to watch as~··
INT. RESEARCHCENTER-- ONTHEMONITOR

(~) ON THE RECORDING,Terl continues •••
TERL (AS ASSIST. PLANETSBIP)
''·~,.-.,,~~'


All it would take is one strategically
placed door-bomb and I'd be in charge.

INT. EXECUTIVEOFFICE SUITE -- A LI'rl'LE LATER
The Assistant Planetship stands alone in front of a door to the
Planetship's office. Be nervously calls down the hall--
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
But what if there ii. a door-banb?
Terl, Ker and the Planetship watch from behind a protective blast
shield positioned a safe distance down the corridor.
PLANETSBIP
I thought you said you didn't put one
there!
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
I didn't. But maybe someone else did!
TERL
t If you refuse to cooperate with this
\,~:, I
investigation, I"m afraid regulations·
would require me to vaporize you for.the
charge of high treason •••
The Assistant Planetship sighs. Then closes his eyes and braces
his body, as if that could somehow protect him from an explosion.
And he slowly cracks open the door. Nothing happens.
ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP
See, I told you I didn't put a-
A flash of light and a deafening blast as a CATACLYSMIC EXPLOSION
blows the Assistant Planetship and much of the hall into oblivion.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Terl presents the Planetship with evidence of the Assistant Planetship's mutiny plot, including a recording of him conspiring to bomb the Planetship's door. The Planetship orders the Assistant Planetship to open the door, and the resulting explosion kills him and destroys the hall.
Strengths
  • Complex plot
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, suspense, and shocking revelations. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its intricate plot and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal, manipulation, and power struggles is executed effectively in the scene. The use of advanced technology and the exploration of complex character motivations enhance the overall concept.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple layers of deception and revelation. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the conflicts will unfold.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of loyalty and betrayal in a futuristic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The dynamics between Terl, Jonnie, and the other characters drive the tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows resilience and resourcefulness in the face of danger, while Terl's manipulative and ruthless nature is further revealed. The characters' actions and decisions drive the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mutiny plot and protect the Planetship from harm. This reflects their loyalty and sense of duty towards their leader.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the mutiny and maintain order on the planet. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with characters facing betrayal, manipulation, and life-threatening situations. The power struggles and high stakes drive the tension throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and uncertain outcomes. The audience is left wondering how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing betrayal, manipulation, and life-threatening situations. The outcome of the conflicts will have significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists and character revelations. The audience is constantly surprised by the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty and betrayal. The protagonist must navigate between their loyalty to the Planetship and the potential betrayal by their assistant.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including tension, shock, and empathy for the characters. The high stakes and intense conflicts heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals the characters' true intentions. It effectively conveys the power dynamics and emotional stakes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful plot, witty dialogue, and unexpected twists. The audience is kept on the edge of their seat throughout.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic explosion. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and a climactic explosion. It effectively conveys the plot and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, with multiple locations and characters introduced without a strong connection to the main storyline.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters delivering lines that are predictable and cliched.
  • The conflict between Terl and the Assistant Planetship is resolved too quickly and without much tension or buildup.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and fails to create a vivid and engaging setting for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and action that make it difficult to follow.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a central conflict or tension that drives the scene forward and engages the audience.
  • Work on creating more nuanced and realistic dialogue that reveals character motivations and emotions.
  • Consider streamlining the scene by reducing the number of locations and characters introduced.
  • Add more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • Pay attention to the pacing of the scene, ensuring a smooth flow of events and actions.



Scene 28 -  Victory and Peril
EXT. STREET-- OUTSIDEEXECUTIVEOFFICES -- MOMENTS
LA1'ER

Psychlo workers hose down the last of the fire from the explosion
Ker follows behind as the Planetship strolls by with Terl, who is
adamantly shaking his head, pretending to be distraught.
TERL
But you can't take Ker 1 Be's the best
assistant I ever had--
PLANETSBIP
--You're out of your skull if you think
I'm going to wait for Home Office to
process a requisition for a new E-3
Level Executive Assistant!
'
Terl and Ker share a secret look of victory.

INT. DENVERZOO -- CAGE-- THE NEXTMORNING
,,,.-...,,\

l
-.,,, __.,,.,,~i
Jonnie sits alone in the corner, For the first time, he looks
defeated. Be doesn't even bother to look up as .••
Terl cheerfully strides up, snaps a leash around Jennie's neck
and yanks,him to his feet.
TERL
You've got a busy day ahead of you,
rat-brain. You'll start with discs on
mining techniques, core sampling, and
machine operations.
Be dangles a handful of dead rats in front of Jennie's face.
. TERL (cont'd)
Then after lunch, it's on to drilling
and flying simulators.
Jonnie nods numbly.. There's no more fight left in him.

INT. ASSISTANTPLANETSBIP'SOFFICE -- LATERTHATDAY
Ker, in his new office, struggles through a crossword puzzle. ___
Bt
quickly hides it as the Planetship sticks his head into the room
PLANETSBIP
Quitting time. Want to get some.food?
lCER
Thanks, sir, but I'm going to stay and
get some more work done.
The Ple.netship nods, both surprised and impressed •••

INT. HALLWAY
-- CONTINUOUS
And heading down the hall, the Planetship mutters to himself.
PLANETSBIP
••• Should have had my assistant
vaporized a long time ago.
Be heads into an elevator and the doors close with a J;u.ng--

INT. ASSISTANT PLANETSBIP'S OFFICE -- DAY
As soon as Ker hears the noise, he immediately steals into the
adjoining office--

INT. PLANETSBIP'SOFFICE - CONTINUOUS
And goes to work, snooping through the Planetship's personal files
i a




INT. SECOR.ITY HEADQUARTERS-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie half-heartedly pushes buttons on control panel to a
0 BOLOGRAPBJ:C FIGHT SIMULA.TOR.But all he manages to do is •••
Crash into a simulated mountain.
TERL
(growls)
Crash one more time, and your little
friend is no longer among the living.
Be holds up the REMOTE to Chrissy"s explosive collar, then
restarts the simulator.

INT. DENVERZOOCAGE-- TBATNIGHT
Jonnie is back to sitting alone with a despondent look.
Carlo and Mickey slowly approach. Nothing is a.aid for the
longest time. And finally, Jonnie looks up at Carlo.
JONNIE
You were right. I should have shot the
monster when I had the chance •••
(quietly)
That way, Sammy and Heywood would still
be alive.

CARLO
You didn't kill them.
JONNIE
No, the monster did. And I didn't kill
the monster when I could have.
(tortured whisper)
Which means it's my fault.
MICJCEY
You didn't kill the monster for a reason.
Jonnie gives him a haunted look--
JONNIE
That's the .point. If we try and fight
them, more of us will end up getting
killed. Maybe even everyone •••
(barely audible)
All because of me.
Carlo shakes his head, trying to hold back the anger.
CA:RLO
This isn't just about~- Remember what
Heywood said. It's about all of us •••
MICKEY
And we need you. You speak the monsters'
language. You know things about them.
Jonnie looks around at the others in the cage, who are now-staring
at him. And he sees something on their faces he's never seen
before. ~- The longest of beats, then ...
.JONNIE
Everyone has to know. If ,..,e· do this ,
there's a good chance that not one of us
will be alive by the time it's over.
But not one person is deterred. Carlo gives Jennie's words back
to him--
CARLO
Look around. This ain't exactly living.
And even if we could . escape and go back
to our villages, .we'd always be looking
over our shoulder, waiting to be hunted
down by the monsters.
(pointed)
And that ain't exactly living either.
MICKEY
(fierce resolve)
So if you can help us figure out a way
to fight the monsters, no matter what it
is, count us in.
A VOICE (O.S.)
Count us in too--
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Terl and Ker celebrate their victory while Jonnie struggles with despair. Carlo and Mickey remind Jonnie of their need for him, and the scene ends with a voice pledging support.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal in the story, setting up a major conflict and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rebellion against oppressive alien overlords is well-executed, with a focus on the characters' internal struggles and the complexities of their situation.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the characters making a decision to fight back, leading to a shift in power dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as advanced technology, oppressive societal structures, and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, growth, and unity in this scene, with each displaying unique traits and motivations that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in their mindset and actions, transitioning from despair to resolve.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and resist the oppressive forces around him. Jonnie is defeated and numb, but still has a glimmer of hope and determination to fight back.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to resist and fight against the control of Terl and the Psychlos. Jonnie is being forced to learn mining techniques and is being threatened with harm if he fails.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak in this scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and making crucial decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that threaten their survival and freedom. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the characters will overcome their obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters facing the threat of death, betrayal, and the need to make life-changing decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, alliances, and conflicts that will shape the narrative's direction.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected character choices, moral dilemmas, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the characters will navigate their challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between submission to oppressive forces for survival and resistance for freedom. Jonnie grapples with the moral dilemma of fighting back and potentially risking more lives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, as they grapple with fear, loss, and determination.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the escalating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes conflict, moral dilemmas, and character development. The tension and emotional depth keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for character development and thematic exploration. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed and abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Jonnie feels forced and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to delve into the power dynamics and emotional conflict between the characters.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal, failing to create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene.
  • The character development is limited, with Jonnie's emotional state and internal conflict not fully explored or conveyed effectively.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it challenging for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their struggles.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Terl and Jonnie to deepen the emotional conflict and power struggle between the characters.
  • Include more detailed visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene, enhancing the overall atmosphere.
  • Focus on developing Jonnie's internal conflict and emotional journey to make his character more relatable and engaging for the audience.
  • Work on refining the pacing of the scene to ensure a consistent tone and emotional resonance throughout.



Scene 29 -  Whispers of Resistance
EXT. NEXTCAGE-- CONTINUOUS
This voice belongs to on~ of the human slaves pressed against the
bars of the next cage over, listening to what's going on in
Jonnie's cage. And from the next cage over from that •••
ANO'l'BER VOICE (O.S.)
What's going on?
The human slav~ turns and calls to the second voice--
BUMANSLAVE
Someone in that cage knows how to speak
the monsters' language. And he's going
to help us fight them--
Someone from the next cage asks what's going on •••

EXT. NEXT CAGE OVER -- CONTINUOUS

And ~he news is met with the same ardent reaction. We PULL BACKt

EXT. DENVERZOO -- CONTINUOUS
The message passing from cage to cage, until the whole zoo erupts·
a DEAFENINGROAR. The battle-cry resounding defiantly in the nigh
INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
-- TEE NEXTDAY
It's a whole different Jonnie. Attentive and focused as his
fingers fly over the simulator's control panel.
Terl watches, impressed. Then holds up the remote to Chrissy's
explosive c9llar, gloating •••
'l'ERL
Never underestimate what a little
leverage can do, rat-brain.
Jonnie nods, letting Terl believe what he wants to.

EXT. DENVERZOO -- CAGE-- THATNIGHT
Everyone in Jonnie's cage crowds around him as he draws letters
in the dirt, teaching the others to.read and WJ::ite. Jonnie
passes the stick to Carlo, who carefully starts to write letters ,
of his own.

INT. PLANE'l'SBIP'SOFFICE -- 'l'BE NEXTMORNING
The Planetship strolls into his office, but.fr~zes in his trac;k
What the hell are Terl and Ker·doing·in his inner-sanctum •• ~
But then he sees the files all neatly laid out on his desk. Be
looks at them, the life draining from his eyes.
TERI, .
Isn't it interesting you've been keeping
two sets of books. • • And while you've told
the workers that this planet's operating at
a loss, it's actually quite profitable.
The Planetship shakes his head, feebly trying to explain •••
PLANETSBIP
I only claimed it's running at a loss to
try and motivate everyone to work harder.
'l'ERL
Of course you did •••
(knowing smile)
And it had nothing to do with how it
allows you to cut everyone's pay, so you
keep all the extra credits for yourself.
PLANETSBIP
Oh, that? I can explain that--
But Terl drops a heavy tome or.to the desk with a resounding clang
TERL
--I'm afraid company regulations
requires me to vaporize you.
TERL (cont'd)
But I can see how someone in your
position, faced with growing old and no
future, might be forced to find creative
ways to solve your financial problems.
PLANETSHIP
••• You can?
TERI,
And it's not in any of our interests for
you to stop being the Planetship ••• But
it may be prudent for you to start
sharing some of your authority.
Ker hands the Planetship a huge sheaf of requisition and order
foI:mS, along with a pen to sign them.
PLANETSBIP
But these fonns are blank. And undated.
(shakes his head)
If I sign them, you could put anything
you want on them. You'd be running the
entire planet I I• d be nothing but a
puppet--
'l'ERI,
--If you don't want to do it this way, we
could always do it by the book.
Be pats his Blast-Gun, underscoring the threat.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary The scene begins as news of Jonnie's linguistic abilities spreads, igniting hope among the caged humans. Inside the security headquarters, Jonnie practices on a simulator while Terl gloats over his advantage. Back in the cage, Jonnie teaches the humans to read and write. In the Planetship's office, Terl and Ker confront him with evidence of financial mismanagement, threatening to vaporize him unless he cooperates. The Planetship is coerced into signing blank requisition forms, granting Terl and Ker control over planetary operations.
Strengths
  • Complex plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a complex plot, well-developed characters, and intense dialogue. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its high stakes and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of human slaves rebelling against alien overlords in a futuristic setting is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of power, control, and resistance.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, keeping the audience guessing and invested in the outcome. It effectively moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on the empowerment and rebellion of enslaved humans against their oppressors. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant growth and change throughout the scene. Their interactions and motivations drive the plot forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, from standing up to their oppressors to making difficult decisions that impact their future. These changes drive the plot forward and add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to empower and educate his fellow enslaved humans to fight back against their oppressors. This reflects his desire for freedom, justice, and empowerment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to outsmart and resist the control of the monsters and their human collaborators. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and resistance in a hostile environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with intense conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters to make difficult choices and face dangerous situations. The stakes are high, adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing significant challenges and obstacles in his quest for freedom and empowerment.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line, betrayals and power struggles at play, and the future of the rebellion hanging in the balance. The tension and danger are palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts, revealing important information, and pushing the characters towards a climactic confrontation. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of freedom, justice, and empowerment versus oppression, control, and exploitation. The protagonist's beliefs in equality and resistance are challenged by the oppressive system he is trapped in.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and tension to defiance and determination. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense, introduces conflict, and showcases the characters' determination to resist their oppressors.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of defiance and empowerment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment of defiance and empowerment.


Critique
  • The transition between the cages and the Denver Zoo could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue in the Security Headquarters lacks depth and could benefit from more meaningful interactions between Jonnie and Terl.
  • The sudden shift in Jonnie's behavior from defeated to attentive could be better explained or developed for better character consistency.
  • The confrontation between Terl and the Planetship feels rushed and lacks a buildup of tension and suspense.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Terl and the Planetship is predictable and could use more unexpected twists to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transition scene to connect the cages and the Denver Zoo more seamlessly.
  • Enhance the dialogue in the Security Headquarters to add depth to the interaction between Jonnie and Terl.
  • Provide more context or backstory to explain Jonnie's sudden change in behavior for better character development.
  • Build up the tension and suspense in the confrontation between Terl and the Planetship to make the scene more engaging.
  • Add unexpected twists or complications to the resolution of the conflict between Terl and the Planetship to keep the audience on their toes.



Scene 30 -  Dangerous Mission
INT. MININGSUPPLYWAREHOUSE
-- T~ DAY
A SUPPLYCLERKstares incredulously at a requisition form.
SUPPLYCLERIC
What the hell does the Planetship need
with all this mining equipment?!
TERI,
That's not even the crazy part.
(holds up an
order form)
Be's ordered me to take a group of man-
animals with the equipment out to a
remote area to see if they can be
trained to mine. Can you imagine that?l
SUPPLYCLERK
Man-animals being able to mine?! The
old Psychlo's gone completely insane.
'l'ERL
Tell me about it. But what can I do •••
(helpless shrug)
An order"s an order.
INT. CARGOCAGE -- LATER TB.ATDAY
A BOWLINGh"IND cuts through a large steel cage containing Carlo,
Mickey, and some twenty other men, along with an assortment of
mining machines and equipment. The cage is suspended from the
underbelly of a--
PSYCBLOCARGO-TYPEAIRCRAFT
Which hurtles over the majestic Rocky Mountains. Following
behind, Ker is at the helm of a smaller fighter-plane.

INT. AIRCRAFT -- COCKPIT -- CONTINUOUS
Terl keeps a careful eye on Jonnie, who is piloting the aircraft.
An .ALARM suddenly blares through-out the cockpit--
AUTOMATED VOICE (OVER SPEAKERS)
Warning! External sensors indicate
dangerous radiation levels ahead--
Blue sparks are starting to pop throughout the cockpit.
For the first time, there is genuine fear in Terl's eyes. Be

~,
~,_/' I
immediately points to a meadow visible.below--

What are you waiting
damn cra!t.
TERL
for?J
This is as far
Land.the.
as I can go.
Jonnie punches buttons.~n the control panel, landing the aircraft.

-- MOMENTS
EXT. MEADOW LATER

Terl motions Jonnie to the cargo cage as Ker lands th~ fighter in
the meadow nearby.

TERL
Meet me back here in fourteen days with
at least half of that cage full of gold,
or I ' 1.1 ' terminate' your entire
operation.
As the threat hangs there, Terl checks his time-piece.

-- A LITTLE LATER
EXT. MEADOW
The men have been assembled out on the meadow, when there's an
e~hereal, almost otherworldly WAILING from above as--
A PSYCBLORECONDRONE
Hurtles overhead. One of the drone's high-tech CAMERA-LENS
rotates to stare down at our guys.
'* --- ,,,_ m=· ==,,.,,.-,...,,
1

INT. FIGHTERPLANE-- MOMENTS
LATER'
I
I

A 'I'RANSMISSIONRECEIVERspits out a SURVEILLANCE PHOTOtaken f rc '
the recon drone, depicting Jonnie and the others starin9 up intc
the sky. Ker hands it to--

EXT. MEADOW
-- CONTINUOUS
'l'erl, who gives the surveillance photo to Jonnie.
TERI,
Tell them that even though I won't be
at the mining site, I'll be able to
keep an eye on you •••
(admonishes)
And anyone who isn't working bard will
be 'replaced' , if you know what I mean.
Be pats his blast-gun, making sure Jonnie understands, then turn
and climbs into the fighter as Ker pilots it up and away.
Jonnie and the men start back to the cargo aircraft, but Jonnie
instantly whirls. Eyes scanning the underbrush in the tree line
Be grabs a PICJC-AXfrom the mining equipment, holding it up as a
weapon. Following his lead, the rest of the men do likewise as.
The bush moves. And out from behind it steps--
A wild-eyed figure with the look of someone who has survived a
long time alone in ·the wilderness·. Ignoring the ·array ·of ~eapori
pointed at him, the ROGOE stares at Jonnie in complete awe.
ROGUE.
Bow'd you do it?
JONNIE
••• Do what?

ROGUE
Make that monster go away without
killing you.
Jonnie gives him a friendly smile.
JONNIE
I'm afraid it's a long story.
CARLO
And.sorry, pal, we'd love to fill you in,
but we don't have a lot of time--
The rogue sizes up Jonnie and the rest of the men, then nods as
he's reached some important decision, and returns Jonnie's smile
ROGOE
The name's Mason, and I've got nothing
but time •••
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Terl and Teri discuss the strange mining equipment requisition and the order to train man-animals to mine. Jonnie pilots the aircraft carrying the men and equipment to a remote area, followed by Ker in a fighter plane. Terl threatens Jonnie to return with half the cargo cage full of gold in fourteen days or face termination. A wild-eyed rogue emerges from the wilderness and asks Jonnie how he made the drone go away without killing him. Jonnie and the men welcome the rogue, named Mason, into their group.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Tension and conflict
  • Introduction of new character
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of action, tension, and character development. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of man-animals being trained to mine, the use of advanced technology, and the power dynamics between the characters are intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with high stakes, conflict, and character motivations driving the action forward. The introduction of Mason adds a new layer to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like man-animals using mining equipment and advanced technology like drones. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicts. Jonnie's leadership, Terl's villainy, and Mason's mysterious presence add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows leadership and determination, while Mason adds a new dynamic to the group. Terl's villainy is further revealed, deepening the conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in. They are also grappling with the moral implications of their actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fulfill the orders given to them by their superior, Terl, and bring back gold from the mining site.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jonnie and Terl, the high stakes of mining gold, and the introduction of Mason create intense conflict that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing threats from their environment, their superiors, and the mysterious rogue character.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the threat of termination, the challenge of mining gold, and the introduction of a new character who adds mystery and intrigue to the plot.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts, revealing character motivations, and escalating the tension between the man-animals and the Psychlos.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected appearance of the rogue character and the moral ambiguity of the protagonist's choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict between following orders blindly and questioning the morality of those orders. The protagonist must decide whether to prioritize their own survival or stand up against injustice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, hope, and determination in the characters and the audience. The emotional stakes are high, especially with the threat of termination and the introduction of a new character.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying tension, conflict, and character dynamics. It moves the plot forward and reveals important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, moral dilemmas, and mysterious characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a mix of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a sci-fi action sequence, with escalating tension and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high stakes involved.
  • The dialogue feels a bit generic and could be more engaging to capture the attention of the audience.
  • The introduction of the rogue character feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development to make the interaction with Jonnie more impactful.
  • The transition between Terl's threat and the appearance of the rogue character is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and intrigue around the mysterious rogue character and his survival in the wilderness.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more suspenseful elements to the scene to heighten the tension and engage the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more dynamic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Develop the rogue character further to create a more compelling interaction with Jonnie and the other men.
  • Work on the transition between Terl's threat and the introduction of the rogue character to ensure a seamless flow.
  • Explore the backstory of the rogue character to add depth and intrigue to his presence in the scene.



Scene 31 -  Preparing for Revolt
EXT. MINING SITE -- LATERTEAT NIGHT
Jonnie lands the cargo-aircraft at the mining site, and our guys
now including MASON, begin hauling the equipment into the shelte
of a cave.
Carlo looks up from the list he's been studying with a worried
expression--
CARLO
If we work around the clock, we'll be
lucky to mine enough gold to fill half
that cage ••• There's no way we're going
to be able to do that ,smgget all this
stuff done we need for the revolt.
JONNIE
I've got worse news. There's only gonna
be about half of you digging.
(off their looks)
I'm gonna be looking somewhere else for
it.
EXT. SBOPPINGMALL-- TBAT NIGBT
The cargo aircraft lands on top of the shopping mall where Jenni,
and Carlo were first captured by the Psychlo wrangler.
Jonnie and a small group of men emerge and race inside the build 1




INT. RADIO SHACK-- THE NEXT PAY
Jonnie and a group of his men move through the store, scavenging
WA.I.KIE-TALKIES
and RECBARGEABLE.BATI'ERIES, while-··

INT. GUN.AND AMMOSBOP -- CONTINUOUS
Mickey and Sammy lead.a separate team through a gun shop,
collecting weapons, and--

INT. HARDWOOD
STORE -- CONTINUOUS
Carlo and a third squad scrounge up supplies, including SPOOLSO
TBIN WIRE.

INT. MINING SITE -- CAVE-- TBAT DAY
Jonnie shows his group basic engine mechanics as he rebuilds the
motor on a small, gas-powered generator. Nearby •••
Mickey and Sammy's team assemble crude, but effective-looking
homemade bombs from the mining equipment.
INT. MINING SITE -- CAVE -- A LITTLE LATER
With the generator, now reassembled, Jonnie fires it to life.
The men burst out in applause as electricity flows to a line of
battery rechargers.
INT. PSYCBLOAIRCRAFT-- COCKPIT -- DAY
Jonnie pilots the aircraft. Carlo is in the navigator's seat.
Behind him, ~ckey shakes his head--
() ••• Bey, what's
MIClCEY
.:thA:t,?

Jonnie banks the aircraft around. And now, staring at them
through the cockpit window is •••
TBE S'l'ATOEOF LIBERTY
Watching over a completely empty harbor.

EX'!'. MANHATTAN
-- CONTINUOUS
The same with the city of Manhattan. The entire island is a
literal ghost town. Nothing moves. Hovering overhead--

nrr. AIRCRAFT -- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie studies the map, realizing.
JONNIE
We•re here. Over New York.


EXT. MININGSITE -- CONTINUOUS·
A wailing soundgrows louder as the RECONDRONEpasses overhead,
cameras spying down on the mining site, where •••

INT. CAVE-- CONTINUOUS
Bidden from view in the cave, two of Jannie's men have stayed
behind and now pull on a series of thin wires, which run through
a pulley system and out to •••

EXT. MINrNG SITE -- CONTINUOUS
. "
Twenty DEPARTMENT STOREMANNEQUINS,all decked out in mining gear
and holding shovels and pick-axes. As the wires are pulled •••
The mannequins move like marionettes, looking like they're hard
at work mining the gold.

INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
-- CONTINUOUS
Terl grabs the surveillance photo as soon as it spits out from
the transmission receiver. Be gives a satisfied nod.
TERL
That's what a little leverage can do for
Y"'U· See them all slaving away.
UR
well, with my share, I'm going to fire
all my wives and buy new ones. Maybe
even a pretty one ••• What about you?
'!'ERL
Bribe my way off this god-forsaken planet
and get assigned a real position that's
worthy of my talents and training.
That has got to be the stupidest thing Jeer has ever heard.·
KER
You're going through all this trouble,
just so you can get a jobl
TERI,
Not a job ••• Respect.
The fierce desire is palpable in his voice.

EXT. WASHINGTON
D.C. -- LIBRARYOF CONGRESS
-- THATDAY
.
The cargo aircraft is parked next to the Library of Congress.

-- CONTINUOUS
INT. LIBRARYOF CONGRESS
Books on uranium are spread across a table as Jonnie unfolds a
. RADIOACTIVE-SITE Map of the United .States. . Be traces his f ing~r
I ~I to·a mountain in Colorado which bears the radiation symbolof·a
\__j' triangle inside a circle... ·
JONNIE
Here's where we"re supposed to be m;ning
the monster's gold. That symbol means ·
radiation. Which is caused by uranium.
Be moves his finger to an area in New Mexico.
JONNIE (cont'd)
And here's where my tribe is located.
MI~Y
••• It has the same symbol.
JONNIE
(looks up at them)
Do you guys know the names of the places
where you"re from?
MICKEY
A village called Los Alamos •••
CARLO
An island in what used to be the country
of Pennsylvania •••
JONNIE
Which island?
CARLO
Three Mile Island.
Jonnie finds Los Alamos and Three Mile Island on the map. And
sure enough, they both have the radiation symbol.
Carlo and Mickey don't understand. Jonnie explains •••
JONNIE
From what I've been able to figure out,
many years ago, the monsters attacked
our planet with a deadly gas. Almost
everyone died, except a few who made it
into underground shelters. When the
air cleared, these people came out, but
were then hunted down by the monsters.
(points to the map)
Only a few 1m1st have made it to the
safety of these remote areas with
radiation where the Psychlos couldn't go.
And we're descendants of those people.
Mickey nods, realizing this is good news.
MICKEY
So even if we fail
to take over the
planet, our people will be safe as long
as they stay in areas with this
radiation thing?
JONNIE
.They'd be safe from the monsters:.·
( the bad "'\ews) ··
But radiation isn't good for humans,
either. That's why a lot of people in
our villages get sick and don't live as
long as they should.
Be stares at them, ~ng sure they understand.
JONNIE (cont'd)
So if we don't take back our planet, our
people can't leave these areas or
they'll be ~nted down. But if they
stay in these areas, over time, more and
mo~e of them will get sick and die •••
(the grim reality)
Either wa,y,the last of humanity will
slowly but steadily become extinct.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Jonnie's team, joined by Mason, splits into groups to gather supplies: weapons, building materials, and equipment. Jonnie, inspiring his men, rebuilds a generator, powering battery rechargers. They also create mannequins to appear as working miners. Terl and Ur discuss their ambitions. The discovery of a map indicating potential uranium sites reveals a grim reality about health risks. The team faces a time constraint and resource limitations. Jonnie must allocate resources effectively and motivate his men. The discovery of uranium poses a threat to their people's health.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Strong character development
  • High stakes
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Complex plot may be difficult for some viewers to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of action, drama, and discovery that keeps the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mining gold while exploring the characters' origins and the consequences of their actions is intriguing and well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-paced and filled with tension as the characters navigate their dangerous situation and plan for the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on post-apocalyptic storytelling by incorporating elements of alien invasion and human survival. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the harsh reality of their world.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and growth, especially as they learn more about their past and face difficult decisions.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes as they learn more about themselves and their situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety and survival of his people, the descendants of those who survived the initial alien attack. He grapples with the moral dilemma of potentially sacrificing their long-term health for their immediate safety.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to mine enough gold to fund their revolt against the Psychlos. However, they face challenges such as limited manpower and resources.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, such as limited resources and the moral dilemma of using radiation-contaminated areas, adds complexity and tension to the characters' goals and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the possibility of extinction, rebellion, and survival.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, revealing important information, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the revelation of new information about the world they inhabit.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of using radiation-contaminated areas as safe havens for the human survivors. It challenges the characters' beliefs about sacrifice and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from hope to despair, as the characters confront their reality.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and exposition that keeps the story moving forward and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and actions. It effectively builds tension and advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Jonnie landing the cargo-aircraft at the mining site to the group splitting up and gathering supplies at different locations, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jonnie and his men lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their motivations.
  • The introduction of the reconnaissance drone and the mannequins moving like marionettes to simulate mining work feels contrived and unrealistic, breaking the immersion of the audience.
  • The shift to Terl and Teri discussing their plans for the future feels disconnected from the main action of Jonnie and his group preparing for the revolt, causing a disjointed narrative flow.
  • The exposition about the radiation symbol and its implications for the characters' safety is delivered in a heavy-handed and didactic manner, lacking subtlety and nuance.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between Jonnie landing the aircraft and the group gathering supplies, to maintain a coherent narrative flow.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful and engaging dialogue between Jonnie and his men to deepen their characters and enhance the audience's emotional investment in the story.
  • Reconsider the use of the reconnaissance drone and mannequins as plot devices, opting for more organic and believable ways to convey the characters' preparations for the revolt.
  • Integrate the subplot with Terl and Teri more seamlessly into the main action, ensuring that it complements rather than detracts from Jonnie's storyline.
  • Find a more subtle and natural way to convey the information about the radiation symbol and its consequences, allowing the audience to discover and interpret the details organically.



Scene 32 -  Rescue at Fort Knox
EXT. LOUISVILLEKENTUCKY
-- FORT KNOX-- LATERTHATDAY
The aircraft land~ next to FORT KNOX. Our guys emerge, carrying
large Psychlo equipment cases, and head into the building •••
MICKEY
If gold's so valuable to them, how come
the monsters haven't already taken it
out of here?
¥@ ¥¥9

- 4 ;µ n ;; 4 4




JONNIE
From what I read in the library, the
gold here is stored in lead-lined vaults
to protect it from the radiation in case
of a nuclear war •••
(beat)
And that lead would keep the monsters
from detecting the gold.

D'l'. FOitT mox -- GOLD DEPOSITORY -- A LI'l"I'LB ~

our guys stand in front of an imposing vault.
CARLO
••• You sure we're going to be able to
get through this?
Jonnie and Mickey fire-up a Psychlo LASER-DRILL.
JONHIB
One thing you got to give those
monsters, their mining equipment is
highly effective.
They attack the vault with the high-tech drill.
It cuts through, like a hot knife through butter.
~ As the screaming bit, is pulled smoking from th~ hole, a·gol~
l,J' ~ight streams out.
EXT. MININGSIGHT
HIGH ANGLE
Jonnie and the others descend over the mine area. But it
looks very different.
INT. AIRCRAFT- DAY
..
There are looks' of concern on their faces.
JONNIE
Looks like an avalanche.
EXT. MINE - DAY
A light shines down from the present edge and confirms it.
The fissure, thirty feet back from the old edge, had simply
opened and fallen into the gorge.

Jonnie races back to the hundred feet deep shaft edge. He
looks around, flashing his light. •
Jonnie approaches the hole more closely. Until he sees the
slide ~arks of the cross timbers that had supported the hoist
cage over the hole.
A light shines down from the present edge and confirms it.
0 The fissure, thirty feet back from the old edge, had simply
opened and fallen into the gorge.
Jonnie races back to the hundred feet deep shaft edge. He
looks around, flashing his light.
JONNIE
Avalanche.
Jonnie approaches the hole more closely. Until he sees the
slide marks of the cross timbers that had supported the hoist
cage over the hole.
LATER

The place is broadly lit nOW'with lamps the relief crew had
put on poles. Carlo and the others pay out the line of a
bucket rigged to crane cable •••
••• Jonnie and three others are lowered to the bottom of the
hole.
They swing picks at the rocks, filling buckets that are
instantly shot aloft to be replac~d by empty ones.


u LATER
The crew has been changed.
there.
Twice. But Jonnie is - still down

They work in a blur of speed.
Another crew arrives. Jonnie stays.
Finally, he hears a distant whisper of sound. He holds up his
hand for silence.
VOICE
(very faintly)
••• air hole .••
Jonnie grabs a LONGMINE DRILL. He socks the rock drill point
into it, and signals the man on the drill motor.
They buck the drill into it with the pressure handles. And
with a high scream the drill goes through.
JONNIE
Air hose!
. - -;;- ;;;;:;;;,;;;; V




LATER

The place is broadly lit now with lamps the relief crew had
put on poles. Carlo and the others pay out the line of a
bucket rigged to crane cable •••
••• Jonnie and three others are lowered to the bottom of the
hole.
They swing picks at the rocks, filling buckets that are
instantly shot aloft to be replaced by empty ones.
LATER

The crew has been changed. Twice. But Jonnie is still down
there.
They work in a blur of speed •
.Another crew arrives. Jonnie stays.
Finally, he hears a distant whisper of sound. He holds up his
hand for silence.
VOICE
(very faintly)
••• air hole •••
Jonnie grabs a LONGMINE DRILL. He socks the rock drill point
into it, and signals the man on the drill motor.
They buck the drill into it with the pressure ·handles • .And
0 with a high scream the drill goe·s. through. . .
JONNIE
Air hose!
They feed the hose through the drill hole and turn the air
compressor on. Air from the drift squeals ~ack past the sides
of the hose and into the rescue crew's faces.
LATER

They have managed to clear the top of the rockfall and drag
men out.
Passing them to the top, silently in the hoist buckets.
A dust- and sweat-covered Jonnie is the last one up.
The salvages crew are bundled up, sitting in the snow, most
of them drinking something hot.
CARLO
we lost the lode.
JONNIE
That's alright.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Jonnie and his team infiltrate Fort Knox to retrieve gold, but an avalanche blocks their exit. Jonnie creates an air hole, providing oxygen to trapped miners. Despite losing the gold, they successfully rescue the miners, including Jonnie.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes heist operation
  • Character development through teamwork and sacrifice
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is action-packed, full of suspense, and moves the plot forward significantly. The high stakes and intense moments keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced technology for a heist, mining rescue operation, and retrieving gold from Fort Knox is unique and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict, high stakes, and character dynamics. The heist, mining rescue, and gold retrieval add depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a heist scenario by incorporating advanced technology and a unique setting like Fort Knox. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and serve the plot well.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, teamwork, and resourcefulness. Their interactions drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth, resilience, and adaptability throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to prove his worth and competence to his team. He wants to show that he can handle the challenges they face and contribute effectively to the mission.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully break into the vault at Fort Knox and extract the gold without getting caught or facing any obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There are multiple layers of conflict, including the heist operation, mining rescue, retrieving gold, and interpersonal conflicts among the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create tension and uncertainty for the characters, driving the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the heist, mining rescue, and gold retrieval add tension, urgency, and risk to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, advancing the plot, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and obstacles the characters face, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the value of material wealth (gold) and the lengths people will go to obtain it. This challenges Jonnie's beliefs about the importance of wealth and the morality of stealing it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, hope, determination, and fear, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions, building tension, and revealing character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to standard screenplay conventions for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a heist genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the initial setup at Fort Knox and the subsequent events at the mining site, causing a disjointed feel.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit flat and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to showcase their emotions and motivations.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more tension and suspense, especially during the drilling and rescue sequences.
  • The resolution of the scene, with Jonnie accepting the loss of the lode, feels rushed and could benefit from more emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition scene to smoothly connect the events at Fort Knox with the mining site, providing a better flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue by infusing it with more emotion, conflict, and character development to make the interactions more engaging.
  • Enrich the visual descriptions by incorporating sensory details and vivid imagery to bring the setting to life for the readers.
  • Work on building up the suspense and tension throughout the scene, especially during the drilling and rescue operations, to keep the audience engaged.
  • Revise the resolution to give Jonnie's acceptance of the loss more depth and emotional resonance, allowing for a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 33 -  The Plan to Retake the Planet
INT. AIRCRAFT- DAY
Jonnie yanks the cover from the stacks of gold bars,
harvested at Fort Knox.
EXT. MEADOW
-- NIGHT
Jonnie stands next to a cargo cage half-full of GOLD BARS as he
waits for Terl to land his aircraft and climb out.
'l'erl is impress~d, but also instantly suspicious.
TERI,
Why is it in 12.A.:I.?
JONNIE
We figured someone of your stature
wouldn't want something as coarse as
raw ore.
Terl doesn't look convinced until he runs a hand-held COMPOSITION
ANALYZER over the gold. It checks out as the real thing.
Biding his glee, Terl turns back and growls at Jonnie--
TERI,
I obviously need to adjust the
schedule. Since you rat-brains had
enough extra time to smelt the gold
into bricks, I will now expect the rest
of the gold in seven days .•
Not bothering to wait for a response, Terl loads the glorious
gold into his aircraft.

INT. MININGSITE CAVE-- NIGBT
J~nnie and the rest of the men have reassembled back at the cave.
CARLO
So, if we don't give him the rest of the
gold in seven days, he'll kill us. But
if we s1Q give him the gold •••
MASON
••• Be no longer needs us.
CARLO
Which means he'll kill us.
But Jonnie doesn't look the least bit concerned.
JONNIE
All this means is that our deadline's
been moved up a bit. We now have seven
days to take back our planet.
The group nods, trying to match Jonnie•s confidence as Jonnie
gets down to business, opening a MAPof Denver. Be points to the
zoo in the middle of the city.
JONNIE
According to the monster's Field
Manual, even a large-scale escape of
human slaves from the zoo would only
constitute a stage-one alarm.
MICKEY
To the monsters, it'd be like a bunch
of horses escaping.
No one seems too happy about the comparison. But Jonnie nods ••.
JONNIE
Because the monsters only see us as
harmless anirnals, they won't be
wearing batUe-gear when they come to
round us up •••
(a gleam in his eye)
Which means they won"t have on their
breath-masks.
Mickey excitedly jumps in again, beating Jonnie to the punch-lir
MICKEY
And any monsters outside a building
without a breath-mask won't be able to
breath once Carlo blows up the dome.
Ali eyes spin to Carlo, who gives a confide'n~ thumbs-up~

Piece-of-cake!
MASON
••• What about the monsters that are
inside the buildings when the dome blo~~?
JONNIE
They'll survive. And we can expect them
to come at us in a second assault. But
that's where you guys cane in •••
Bis eyes sweep the group as he explains •••
JONNIE (cont'd)
Everyone's going to train how to use the
monster's weapons. Then we'll sneak you
in to blend in with the rest of the
people who escaped from the zoo •••
(beat)
So when Carlo takes out the first wave
of monsters, you guys'll jump out and
grab their weapons, then set-up an
ambush for the second wave of monsters
who will be wearing breath-masks.
CARLO
Plus, I'll be flying overheadi raining
explosives down on the bastards.
Excitement spreads through the group. The plan actually has a
chance of working. But then Jonnie adds •••
JONNIE
But everyone needs to understand. The
moment we blow the dome, or fight back in
anyway, this becomes a stage-two ala.rm.
MICKEY
And that's the one thing we can't let
happen, right?
JONNIE
Right. A stage-two alum means the
monsters alert their Some Planet. And
moments later, thousands of troops and
gas drones will be teleported here.
(levels with them).
There's no way we could fight that. We'd
all be dead within seconds.
The group's excitement instantly turns to confusion.
MASON
••• Then what the hell's the point of
killing all the·monst~rs on this·planet,
0 if we"re all going to get wiped out?
JONNIE
Because before this thing gets to a
stage-two ala.rm •••
(matter-of-fact)
We're going to destroy their Bome Planet.
Everyone stares at him. Be must be joking. But he isn't.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie unveils the smelted gold bars to Terl, impressing him but also raising suspicion. Terl confirms their authenticity, adjusting the schedule and demanding the remaining gold within seven days. At their cave hideout, Jonnie reveals his plan to retake their planet. Carlo will demolish the monster-guarded dome, allowing the team to infiltrate and ambush the monsters. Jonnie cautions that the assault will trigger a stage-2 alarm, alerting the monsters' home planet, demanding they destroy it before the alarm escalates. The group accepts Jonnie's plan, preparing for the impending battle.
Strengths
  • Clear goal and plan for rebellion
  • Strategic use of monsters' weaknesses
  • Engaging dialogue and tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Character depth could be further developed
  • Some aspects of the plan may seem overly convenient

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up a high-stakes situation with a clear goal. It effectively builds tension and excitement for the upcoming rebellion.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of planning a rebellion against the monsters, utilizing their weaknesses, and training the group for combat is well-developed and crucial to the progression of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-structured, with a clear goal, obstacles, and strategic elements that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the post-apocalyptic genre by focusing on strategic planning and resistance tactics against monstrous oppressors. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, teamwork, and strategic thinking, but there could be more depth and development in their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there is some development in terms of planning and determination, there could be more significant character changes shown in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal in this scene is to lead a successful rebellion against the monsters and take back control of the planet. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom, justice, and the survival of his people.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal in this scene is to plan and execute an attack on the monsters to reclaim their planet. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and resistance against their oppressors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the humans and the monsters, as well as the internal conflict within the group, adds tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and risks in their rebellion against the monsters. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the threat of annihilation by the monsters and the need to succeed in the rebellion to reclaim their planet.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the rebellion plan and the upcoming conflict with the monsters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the characters' plan, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the question of whether sacrificing themselves to destroy the monsters' home planet is worth the risk of annihilation. It challenges Jonnie's beliefs in sacrifice for the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of determination, fear, and hope among the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, strategic, and serves the purpose of planning the rebellion effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with high stakes, strategic planning, and the characters' determination to fight back against their oppressors.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' strategic planning and resistance efforts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for its genre of action-adventure.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the interaction with Terl and the group's planning session, making the shift in focus feel abrupt.
  • The dialogue could be more concise and impactful, with some lines feeling repetitive or unnecessary.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the characters' reactions to the high-stakes situation they are facing, which could be improved to create a more engaging scene.
  • The exposition about the monsters and the plan to retake the planet could be more seamlessly integrated into the dialogue to avoid feeling forced or overly explanatory.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and actions taking place.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the interaction with Terl and the planning session to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Edit the dialogue to make it more impactful and concise, removing any repetitive or unnecessary lines.
  • Focus on adding emotional depth to the characters' reactions to the high-stakes situation to make the scene more engaging for the audience.
  • Integrate the exposition about the monsters and the plan to retake the planet more naturally into the dialogue to avoid feeling forced or overly explanatory.
  • Enhance the scene by including more visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the setting and actions taking place.



Scene 34 -  Preparations for the Final Mission
EXT. TEXAS-- FORT BOOO-- THE NEXTDAY
Jonnie and a handful of men emerge from a Strategic Weapons Vault
carrying out crates of conventional explosives, as well as ••.
A Cruise-Missile N'QCIT&R
WHEN?~

INT. FORT BOOO-- NUCLEAR
TRAININGFACILITY -- A LITTLE LATER
Mickey restlessly pokes around, exploring the classroom as Jonnie
and Carlo huddle over a tech-manual.
The nuclear warhead sits on a table in front of them.

JONNIE
According to this, we have to make-sure
· the firing-mechanism is--
MICKEY'SVOICE (O.S.)
--Bey, look at these guysl Something
must be wrong with their heads.
In the back of the room, Mickey points to an old PBOTOof
a BATTALION OF CADETS, all with their hands to their foreheads.
JONN:IE
Nothing•s wrong. They're saluting. It's
a sign of respect.
Be salutes, showing Mickey, then gets back to the business at
hand, continuing to read from the manual--
JONNIE (cont'd)
••• Make-sure the firing-mechanism is
properly in place and operational.
Jonnie and Carlo both take deep breaths, then pick up tools and
gingerly go to work on the warhead--

INT. DENVER-- MORGUE
-- CONTINUOUS
Terl rips the lid off of a coffin and yanks out the dead Psychlo
dumping the corpse to the ground and kicking
.
it out of his .way.
.
Be repeats the process with another coffin, unceremoniously
flinging the corpse to the ground, then fires up a LASERDRILL
and blasts away, carving FALSE BOTTOMSinto·the caskets.

INT. FORTBOOD-- NUCLEARTRAININGFACILITY -- TBAT DAY
With the nuclear warhead now partially dismantled, Jonnie and
Carlo careful_ly remove a lead plate with surgical precision.
JONNIE
(re: the manual)
••• No matter what, we can't touch the
auto-sensor.
CARLO
What ',s the auto-sensor look like?
JONNIE
The illustrations are in Appendix-A
(before Carlo can ask)
We couldn't find Appendix-A.
CARLO
And if we touch this auto-sensor?
JONNIE
The bomb will detonate.
CARLO
Great.

INT. DENVER - MORGUE- CONTINUOUS
Still whistling his war song, Terl begins filling the false
bottoms in the coffins with his beloved gold.

INT. MmING SITE -- CAVE-- THATNIGHT
Everyone congregates around the map of Denver one last time as
Jonnie finalizes the battle plan •••
JONNIE
Once the prisoners escape from the zoo,
Chrissy will lead them here to the Civic
Center Park ••• That's where you guys will
be waiting to blend in with them... And
when the guards are sent to round all of
you up, it should leave minimal resistance
here at the teleportation platfoJ:m--
Be points to a section of . the .city away from the park.
. .
JONNIE (cont'd)
Which is when we'll move in and secure
the platform, and teleport the nuclear
weapon up to thei~ planet.
Mason points to the nuclear warhead.
Ml-\SON
••• And you're sure that thing will be
enough to take-out their entire planet?
JONNIE
Radiation explodes their breath gas.
Which is exactly the same as their
planet's atmosphere •••
Mickey slowly raises his head. A darkness in his voice.
MICKEY
With all respect, sir, I'd like to be the
one who goes up and detonates the weapon.
JONNIE
It's brave of you to offer. But it's lfr'f
plan, so I go--
MICK£Y
--You don't understand. I~ to go.
(determined)
So, I can see my brother again.
Jonnie stares at Mickey, his heart breaking. But this time,
Jonnie bas no choice. Be has to tell him.
JONNIE
There's no point in you going. No human
can breath on their planet. Plus, the
gravity is too strong. I'm sorry.
(soft)
But your brother was dead within moments
of being there.
Mickey returns Jonnie's look without blinking.
MICKEY
I kru:;M. · That's why I want to go.
(quietly)
So, I can be with him again.
A long beat. Then Jonnie finally nods, giving Mickey his wish.

· EX'l'. DENVER -- EMPLOYEE RECREATION
·BALL -- THATNIGHT
Ker comes strolling out of the bar, when a figure suddenly steps
out of the shadows in front of him.- It's JONNIE--
JONNIE
There's no way Terl's going to share any
of the gold with you.
KER
What the hell are you talking about?
And what are you even doing here, you're
supposed to be mining--
JONNIE
--Think about it. Terl went through all
that effort to trick you, so he could
record you into laying out the plan. It
was more than just making you the patsy.
(beat)
Terl got leverage on you so he wouldn't
have to share the gold.
KER
Bow the blast do you know about the
recording? 1
JONNIE.
It sure is interesting some of the discs
one can find in Terl's personal vault.
Ker"s eyes light-up at his sudden good fortune. Be pulls his
blast-gun and orders--
XER
Give the disc to mel

JONNIE
I'm afraid I don't have it with me.
cu
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie and Carlo dismantle a nuclear warhead, Mickey volunteers to detonate it on the Psychlos' planet, and Terl prepares coffins to hide gold. Mickey's request creates conflict with Jonnie, who agrees despite his hesitation. Ker confronts Jonnie about a recording, and the scene ends with Ker demanding the disc from Jonnie, who refuses to give it to him.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Innovative concept
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Complex technical details may be hard to follow for some audience members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a complex plot, well-developed characters, and intense dialogue. It sets up a climactic moment in the story and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a nuclear warhead to take out the alien planet is innovative and adds a high level of tension and urgency to the scene. The strategic planning and technical details enhance the complexity of the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up the climax of the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the use of nuclear weapons in a post-apocalyptic setting and explores themes of sacrifice and reunion in a high-stakes mission. The dialogue and character actions feel authentic and contribute to the tension and drama of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Their interactions and decisions drive the plot forward and create emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

Mickey's willingness to sacrifice himself for his brother shows a significant change in his character. Jonnie's decision to allow Mickey to fulfill his wish also demonstrates growth and empathy.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to protect his team and complete the mission successfully. He also struggles with the emotional burden of making tough decisions, as seen in his interaction with Mickey.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to secure the nuclear weapon and use it to take out the enemy's planet. This reflects the immediate challenge of defeating the enemy and ensuring the safety of his team.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the protagonist and antagonist. The stakes are raised as the characters face life-threatening situations and make difficult choices.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and motivations. The uncertainty of outcomes adds to the suspense and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the fate of the planet and the characters hanging in the balance. The use of a nuclear warhead adds a sense of urgency and danger to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the climax of the narrative and raising the stakes for the characters. It introduces new challenges and obstacles that drive the plot towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character motivations and decisions, such as Mickey's willingness to sacrifice himself and Jonnie's dilemma in revealing the truth to him.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the value of sacrifice and the desire for reunion. Mickey's willingness to sacrifice himself to be with his brother challenges Jonnie's belief in the importance of completing the mission at all costs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, sadness, and determination. The characters' sacrifices and struggles resonate with the audience, creating an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, revealing the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates. The action and suspense drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the mission.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Jonnie and his team preparing a nuclear warhead to Terl in the morgue, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jonnie and Carlo about the nuclear warhead feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more depth and explanation.
  • The actions of Terl in the morgue, ripping open coffins and flinging corpses, may come across as unnecessarily violent and could be toned down for a more realistic portrayal.
  • The scene shifts back and forth between different locations and characters quite rapidly, which can make it challenging for the audience to keep track of the unfolding events.
  • The emotional moment between Jonnie and Mickey about detonating the nuclear weapon lacks a deeper exploration of their relationship and the gravity of the decision.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoothing out the transitions between different locations and characters to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Provide more context and depth to the dialogue between Jonnie and Carlo regarding the nuclear warhead to enhance the audience's understanding.
  • Tone down the violent actions of Terl in the morgue to maintain a more balanced and realistic portrayal of the character.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional depth in key moments, such as the conversation between Jonnie and Mickey.
  • Ensure that each character's actions and motivations are clear and consistent throughout the scene to avoid confusion.



Scene 35 -  The Trade
EXT. DENVERZOO -- CHRISSY'S CAGE-- A LITTLE LATER
As Jonnie leads Ker to the cage, Chrissy holds up the DISC.
EER
Tell her to give it to me--
JONNIE
--I'm afraid we can't just give it to
you. But you can trade for it.
Ker, chuckling at Jennie's stupidi~y, re-pulls h~s Blast-Gun.
1CER
I don't think so, crap-brain! Because
if you don't give me the disc, I'll--
At JoMie's signal--

INT. CHRISSY'S CAGE-- CONTINUOUS
CHRISSYimnediately hands the disc to someone in her cage, who in
turns hands it off to another person, this continue3 until •••
-. -
The disc reaches someone at the edge of the cage, who pitches it
through the bars into--

INT. NEXT CAGE-- CONTINUOUS
Ker tries to point his gun at the humans in warning, but the
process is repeated too fast for him to follow as .••

EXT. DENVERZOO -- CO!ffINUOUS
A human chain moves the disc from hand to hand, cage to cage, until
before Ker knows it, the disc disappears from view around a corner.
EXT. CBRISSY'S CAGE-- CONTINUOUS
Ker turns back to Jonnie with a friendly smile.
KER
••• What kind of trade?
.~--= .. "-; .,;41 W G •#±- w,w
"*




INT. CHRISSY'S CAGE-- A LITI'LELATER
Xer uses a special tool to remove the explosive collar from
Chrissy• s neck, then trade.s the collar for the disc.
JONNIE
Bow about we make another trade.
(motions to the
zoo cage KEY)
As a male member of your species, you
can understand.why I would want to come
and "visit' with her--
KER
--Forget it, crap-head! You just keep
your mind on getting the rest of the
gold!
JONNIE
Too bad •••
(holds up a SECOND DISC)
Because the g9ld is almost ready and I
thought you might want some incriminating
evidence on your friend, Terl.
Xer doesn't have to think about it. Be imnediately trades the
zoo key for the second disc. As soon as X~r .is gone... • . _

Chrissy gives Jonnie a confused look.
CHRISSY
Won't the monster in charge be able to
see I'm no longer wearing the collar.
JONNn:
(hands her the key)
After tonight, it won't matter much
either way.
There's an unspoken tension between them. The first time they've
alone since he left their village. Chrissy tries to cover it with
CHRISSY
I know you don't believe in fate, but
I've always known you were destined to
do something great •••
JONNIE
••• We're going to do something great.
All of us, together •
. She nods, but there's still something not being said. The longest
of beats. And finally, Jonnie struggles to find the right words.
JONNIE (cont'd)
(~ And we need to do this not only for our
own freedom, but for the possibility of a
life for the children.
Chrissy looks at him and starts to ask something, but doesn't.
Be returns her look, clarifying •••
JONNIE (cont'd)
A life for S2lU: children.
(quickly adds)
Of course, only if you'd be willing to
take an 'arrogant greener' as your
husband.
CHRISSY
I don't know•••
(warm smile)
I think I could live with that.
They embrace. Each of them knowing it might be the last time.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary At the Denver Zoo, Jonnie and Ker meet at Chrissy's cage. Chrissy gives Jonnie a disc, which Ker demands. Jonnie and Chrissy outsmart Ker by passing the disc from cage to cage. Ker proposes a trade, eventually exchanging Chrissy's explosive collar for the disc. Jonnie then offers a second disc for the key to Chrissy's cage. After Ker leaves, Jonnie gives Chrissy the key, and they talk about their future. Chrissy agrees to marry Jonnie, and they embrace, knowing it may be their last time together.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled negotiation
  • Emotional depth
  • Strategic planning for rebellion
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up important plot points for the story. The tension, emotional depth, and strategic negotiation add depth to the characters and advance the narrative effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using leverage and negotiation in a high-stakes situation is well-executed. The scene introduces key elements of the plot and character dynamics, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the negotiation, character interactions, and hints at future plans. It builds suspense and sets up important developments for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the explosive collars and inter-species trade negotiations. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jonnie, Chrissy, and Ker, are well-developed in this scene. Their motivations, emotions, and relationships are effectively portrayed, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Jonnie shows growth in his willingness to negotiate and strategize for the greater good. Chrissy also displays a sense of hope and willingness to fight for a better future.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to secure the safety and freedom of his people, as well as to express his feelings for Chrissy.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to obtain the gold and incriminating evidence on his friend, Terl.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Jonnie and Ker, as well as the underlying tension in the negotiation, adds depth to the scene. The stakes are high, and the resolution of the conflict will have significant consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and moral dilemmas that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of negotiating for freedom, planning a rebellion, and facing potential consequences raise the tension and urgency of the scene. The characters' fates and the future of the planet are on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, setting up future conflicts, and hinting at the characters' motivations and goals. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character actions and outcomes, but the emotional depth adds an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between personal sacrifice for the greater good and self-preservation. Jonnie must decide between his own desires and the needs of his people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional depth of the scene, especially in the interaction between Jonnie and Chrissy, resonates with the audience. The sense of hope, determination, and potential loss adds emotional weight to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It drives the scene forward and adds tension to the negotiation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of action, emotion, and moral dilemmas. The audience is invested in the characters' choices and outcomes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character goals and conflicts. The pacing keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the trade between Jonnie, Chrissy, and Ker. The back and forth with the discs and the explosive collar could be confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue could be more concise and impactful. Some lines feel repetitive or unnecessary, which slows down the pacing of the scene.
  • The tension between Jonnie and Chrissy could be further developed to create a more emotional and engaging moment. The unspoken feelings and the significance of their embrace could be highlighted.
  • The transition from the trade to the emotional moment between Jonnie and Chrissy feels a bit abrupt. A smoother transition could help in building up the emotional impact of their interaction.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to enhance the storytelling. Adding gestures or movements could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the trade sequence by simplifying the back and forth with the discs and the explosive collar.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more impactful and concise. Remove any unnecessary lines that do not contribute to the scene.
  • Develop the tension between Jonnie and Chrissy by adding more depth to their unspoken feelings and the significance of their embrace.
  • Work on the transition between the trade and the emotional moment to create a smoother flow in the scene.
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the storytelling and make the scene more visually engaging.



Scene 36 -  Terl's Revenge
INT. SECURITYHEADQUARTERS
-- THATNIGHT
Terl-comes strolling into the office, but suddenly stops in his
tracks. EVERY MONITOR in the room is playing ·a recording of-- ..
CJ TERI.. ( ON THE MONITORS)
.
••• We'd have to use explosives. Bame
Office would detect them and send down a
survey team, which means we wouldn't be
able to keep the gold for ourselves.
Ker smugly pauses the disc, FREEZINGthe guilty evidence.
KER
I've been thinking. Eighty-twenty ia. a
pretty fair distribution of the gold •••
(loving every
moment of this)
But l should get the eighty per cent.
Terl stares at him. And without hesitation:
TERL
Congratulations! I knew there was a
true Psychlo in you somewhere!
Ker remains on guard. Be's not about to fall for any traps.
But Terl seems genuinely happy, if not downright ecstatic.
TERI. (cont'd)
You finally figured out how to get
proper leverage on someone.
(MORE)
() TERL (cont'd)
Which means I haven't wasted my time
trying to train youl
Ker can't believe it. This is going much better than he thought.
KER
You"re not upset?
TERI,
Don't be crazy! You don't know how long
I've been waiting for this day. And I
know just the perfect way to celebrate--
Be pulls his Blast-Gun and slides it into kill position--
KER
What are you doing?! You can't kill mel
(explains) .
I made a copy of your disc and gave it
to someone for safe keeping. And if
anything happens to me, they'll turn it
into the authorities.
A frozen beat. Then Terl has to lower the ~ with a sigh.·
JCER(cont'd)
It's your own fault, sir.
(good-natured)
You were just too good of a teacher.
TERL
And how about giving the old teacher a
clue as to who this person might be?
KER
You insult yourself, :air. You taught me
better than to fall for that one.
TERI,
Well, then how the hell am I supposed to
know who it is. I mean, it could be
anyone on this damn planet ••• It could
be one of the mechanics. It could be a
concubine. It could be someone in the
communications office. Bell, it could
even be •••
Terl opens his desk drawer and calmly pulls out--
THE BARTENDER'SSEVEREDBEAD
TERL (cont'd)
Pllr friendly bartender!
Ker's face immediately goes death-white. Terl tosses the head to K
TERL (cont'd)
You know, you really should chose your
friends a bit more carefully •••
xer looks from the head to the desk drawer to Terl,· realizing
'l'erl had thi~ planned all along. Bis body slumps in defeat.
Terl raises his blast gun.
KER
Don't shoot! You win! I'll go back to
being the patsy!
Be fumbles a disc out of his pocket and hands it to Terl.
KER (cont'd)
See? That's the disc of me laying out
the plan. You can have it back. Which
means I'm back to being the patsy. And
you can't kill the patsy, right?!
TERL
Here"s your final exam. Try real hard
to pass it ••• When committing a crime,
how many patsies does one need?
As K~r chews on this, Terl reminds~--
0 . TERL ( cont ' d )
And while you're thinking, remember all
the hard work we put into getting
leverage on the Planetship. A process,
I might add, that you were quite
resourceful in helping with.
The life drains from Ker as •••
KER
The Planetship ordered us to train the
man-animals to mine the gold. So, if
anyone found out, he'd be responsible.
(practically crying)
And you only need~ patsy.
TERI.
Very impressive. You pass the exam with
highest marks.
lCABLAMl Terl shoots a fist-sized hole through Ker's face.
TERL (cont'd)
But I'm afraid you failed the course.
Ker is dead long before he hits the ground.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Terl discovers Ker's plot to blackmail him and outsmarts him, leading to Ker's demise.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Sudden character death
  • Violent resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, betrayal, and consequences that have a significant impact on the story. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the true nature of the characters, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal, manipulation, and consequences is executed effectively in this scene. The power dynamics between Terl and Ker are well-developed, leading to a shocking twist that drives the story forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the betrayal and consequences in this scene, adding layers of complexity to the story. The stakes are raised, and the tension escalates as the characters' true intentions are revealed.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of betrayal and manipulation, with unexpected plot twists and moral dilemmas that add depth to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Terl and Ker are well-defined and their motivations are clear in this scene. The dynamic between them is compelling, and their actions drive the narrative forward with a sense of urgency and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

Ker undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a position of power to a victim of betrayal. His character arc is compelling and adds depth to the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his dominance and intelligence over his subordinate, Ker. This reflects his desire for power and control, as well as his need to prove his superiority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to manipulate Ker into submission and secure his own position of power within the organization. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining control and authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Terl and Ker reaches a climax in this scene, leading to a shocking betrayal and its consequences. The power struggle between the characters creates intense drama and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with betrayal, manipulation, and consequences that have a profound impact on the characters and the story. The characters' actions have far-reaching implications, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing a major plot twist that has far-reaching consequences. It sets the stage for future developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists and moral dilemmas faced by the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Ker must choose between remaining loyal to his mentor or saving himself from harm, highlighting the moral dilemmas faced by the characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to shock and betrayal. The consequences of the characters' actions resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, impactful, and reveals the true intentions of the characters. It builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character motivations and plot progression, maintaining the audience's engagement and interest.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in the confrontation between Terl and Ker.
  • The dialogue between Terl and Ker feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Terl and Ker feels rushed and lacks a satisfying payoff for the build-up of tension throughout the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The character development in this scene is limited, with both Terl and Ker lacking significant growth or complexity in their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue between Terl and Ker to deepen their conflict and provide insight into their characters' motivations.
  • Introduce more visual cues or actions to enhance the tension and drama of the scene, such as body language or facial expressions.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the confrontation between Terl and Ker to create a more compelling and engaging dynamic between the characters.
  • Consider extending the scene to allow for a more gradual buildup of tension and suspense, leading to a more satisfying resolution.
  • Focus on developing the characters of Terl and Ker further to create more nuanced and compelling interactions that resonate with the audience.



Scene 37 -  Escape from the Zoo
EXT. DENVERZOO-- CONTINUOUS
A pair of sentries make their usual nightly rounds, when they
hear a strange noise. Turning, they catch a glimpse of--
'A LONE BOMAN SLAVE

Racing away up a path and disappearing around a corner.
ZOOGUARD
Bow the hell did that one get out •••
The other guard shrugs, unconcerned. After all, man-animals aren't
that fast. So they calmly walk-jog after the escapee--

'l'BE BEND-- A LITTLE LATER
EXT. AROUND
With the escapee now in tow, the guards head back to the zoo.
One of them shakes his head in amusement--
ZOOGUARD
Not only are these man-animals slow, but
they've got to be the stupidest things.
( jeering laugh) .
It didn't even have the sense to hide. It
ju~t stood there, letting us--.
The words freeze in his throat as they turn a bend and •••

EXT. DENVERZOO-- CONTINUOUS
Eyery single cage is empty. Not a human in sight. The only sound
the eerie creaking of open cage doors swaying gently-in the night.


EXT. DENVER-- A LITTLE LATER
RI.AXONBORNScrank-up, wailing into the darkness.

INT. MORGUE-- CONTINUOUS
TERL finishes loading the coffins full of his precious gold onto
a cart as he barks into his rad.io--

TERL (INTO RADIO)
••• Then send all available guards to
round them up 1 I'm busy, you don't have
to bother me with every little detail

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- MOHEN'l'S
LATER
The 'l'ELEPORTATION
SUPERVISORhangs up fran a radio call--
fr5i5753F75 }t l, '*




TELEPORTATION SUPERVISOR
Those security guys at the zoo have got
to be the biggest crap-headsl What did
they do, leave all the man-animal cages
wide open?l
(point to several
of the guards)
All non-essential personnel are to go
over and help with the round-up.
The selected guards grumble about having to go, and •••

EXT. DENVER-- STREETS-- CONTINUOUS
Join the steady flow of other Psychlos responding to the call.
But no one's in too big of a rush. It's just a man-animal escape.

EXT. CIVIC CENTERPARK- A LI'l"I'LE LATER
Chrissy and the escaped humans watch as the Psychlos move in on
them with ROPES, ELECTRICPROO-STICKS, and NETS•.

EXT. TELEPORTATION -- CONTINUOUS
PLATFORM

u The supervisor instructs one of the.two
TELEPORTATION
remaining
SUPERVISOR
guards>

Go haul those two new guys out of the
crapper and send them too--
The guards share a knowing chuckle.
FIRST GUARD
Mozzontom's revenge.
SECONDGOARD
Until you get used to the water, blasted
local parasites will get you every time--
Still chuckling, he shuffles off to a SQUATBUILDING.

:arr. NATORAL
HISTORYMUSEUM
-- CONTINUOUS
Keeping a careful eye out the window, Mickey keys a RADIO.
MICJ\EY(INTO RADIO)
There's three monsters remaining •••
Two are staying at the platform. One is
heading into a building to the east--
(checks his map)
Which is the latrine.
- * - ;; g4r;m;:a;;;;;g




EXT. MINING SI'l'E CONTINUOUS
Across from the teleportation platform, Jonnie whispers to Mason.
JONNIE
I'll take the two at the platform. You
take the one in the latrine--
Mason nods and they silently divide up, slipping through the
night like shadows.

INT. SQUAT BUILDING CONTINUOUS
The guard heads inside the latrine, hollering to the occupied stall
'l'ELEPORTATION
GUARD
Time to earn your pay--
One of the stall doors opens and a Psychlo stumbles out, pulling
up his pants. Be looks more than a little green.
NEWPSYCBLO
I knew coming to one of these remote
rim-star planets was a mistake.
A second Psychlo emerges from another stall, not looking any
a better. They trail .after the guar9, who heads back for t~e door.

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM CONTINUOUS
The supervisor shakes hi~ head, complaining to the remaining guard.
'l'ELEPORTATION
SUPERVISOR
••• If any of the man-animals get broken
in the round-up, you just know the brass
will use it as an excuse to justify
cutting our pay again--
A Kn,I, CLUB flies through the air, smashing into his head.
The fierce impact jars the Psychlo forward, but doesn't kill him.
Be spins around to see what the hell just hit him as a--
PICK-AX
Slama blade-first between his eyes. Instant death. And before
the first guard can react, Jonnie pulls a--
BON'llNG DIFE

And slits his throat.
Err. 'l'OP OF TBE DOM! -- CONTINUOUS
Carlo lands the aircraft on the apex of the dome and jumps out
with an armful of EXPLOSIVES.

EXT. LATRINE -- CONTINUOUS
The second guard comes strolling out of the latrine as a--
PI:C!t AX-BLADE

Slams deep into his chest. Mason pulls his knife to finish the
monster off, but freezes at the unexpected sight of--
TWOOim:R PYSCBLOS
Beading out of the building. One of the Psychl~s immediately
pulls his blast-gun and FIRES at--
Mason, who tries to leap out of the way. But the shot blows off h~
of his leg. Sending him crumpled helpless to the ground as .••
The Psychlo aims his gun dead center between Mason's eyes and--
JONNIE'S RN:IFE
screams through the air, 1rnJ?edd1nq
deep in· the Psyehlo's throat •

An enormous paw blurs in the· air·,. coming at h~ •. ·Talons· rake :
the side of his face.
CJ
Jonnie has the gun in position, and fires at a huge chest. He
punches blast after blast into it, driving him back.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Guards at the Denver Zoo discover empty man-animal cages, prompting a search for escaped humans. Psychlos respond and attempt to round them up. Jonnie and Mason strategize to eliminate the remaining Psychlos at the teleportation platform and latrine.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Strategic planning for rebellion
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Complex plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, intense, and emotionally charged, with high stakes and significant character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rebellion and retaliation against alien oppressors is well-executed, with a focus on survival, strategy, and sacrifice.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, fast-paced, and filled with twists and turns, leading to a climactic confrontation and a strategic plan for rebellion.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on the struggle of man-animals against their oppressors, the Psychlos. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth, bravery, and determination, with moments of sacrifice and betrayal adding depth to their arcs.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters show growth and development, particularly in moments of sacrifice and betrayal.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is likely to escape from captivity and fight back against the Psychlos who are oppressing them. This reflects their desire for freedom and justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture and resist the Psychlos' attempts to round them up. This reflects their immediate challenge of survival and resistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the humans and the Psychlos escalates to a violent confrontation, with high stakes and intense action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the man-animals facing off against the powerful Psychlos in a life-or-death struggle. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters facing the threat of capture, violence, and retaliation from the oppressive alien overlords.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up a climactic confrontation and a strategic plan for rebellion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating tension between the man-animals and the Psychlos.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the oppressive control of the Psychlos and the desire for freedom and autonomy of the man-animals. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, determination, and hope, with moments of sacrifice and betrayal adding emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to drive the plot forward, with moments of tension and emotion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the conflict and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with a sense of urgency that drives the action forward and keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a structured format with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of tension and mystery as the guards discover the empty cages, but the transition to the Psychlos responding lacks depth and detail.
  • The dialogue and interactions between the guards and the supervisor at the teleportation platform feel a bit forced and lack authenticity.
  • The action sequences involving Jonnie, Mason, and the guards are well-paced and engaging, but could benefit from more descriptive language to enhance the intensity of the scenes.
  • The introduction of the explosives and the impending attack on the dome by Carlo adds a layer of suspense, but the transition between different locations could be smoother.
  • The scene ends abruptly with a cliffhanger, leaving the fate of the characters hanging without a clear resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more details to the guards' reactions to the empty cages to build suspense and intrigue.
  • Work on making the dialogue between the guards and the supervisor more natural and reflective of their characters.
  • Enhance the action sequences by incorporating vivid descriptions of movements, emotions, and surroundings to immerse the reader in the scene.
  • Improve the flow between different locations by providing smoother transitions and maintaining a consistent pace.
  • Consider providing a more conclusive ending to the scene to give readers a sense of closure while still leaving room for anticipation of what's to come.



Scene 38 -  Rebel Ambush and Counterattack
INT. LATRINE-- CONTINUOUS
The first guard, pick-ax still buried in his chest, clings to
.
life as he manages pulls his radio •••
PSYCBLO(INTORADIO)
We're under attack. !"rem man-animals
with weapons. They've already killed--
Jonnie flashes inside, knockingawaythe radio. then slits the
Psychlo's throat.

nrr. COMMONJ:CATION
EEADQOAR~
.. I
-- CONTINUOUS
An ALARM suddenly goes off on a long console. A COMMUNICATIONS
OFFICER checks it, then spins to his SUPERVISOR--
I~,
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER
\' ' .l
,'
'~---~~"" Sir, I have unconfirmed reports of a
·man-animal' revolt. And motionsensors
have just been set-off on top the dome--
The supervisor hurries over.

HISTORYMUSEUM
EXT. NATURAL -- MOMENTS
LATER
From his look-out position, Mickey spots a group of a.Dned
Psychlos sprinting toward the teleportation platform.
MICJCEY (INTO RADIO)
Five Monsters Approaching! Heavily
Armed! From The South--

EXT. TELEPORTATION -- CONTINUOUS
PLATFORM
Jqnnie hurries to apply a make-shift field tournique~ to Mason's
leg, then drags him behind the relative safety of--

EXT. CONTROL
BUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie, pulls his blast-gun, waiting for the Psychlos to come into_.
0 range. As they do, he OPENSUP FIRE--

EXT. MAIN ROAD - CONTINUOUS
one of the Psychlos goes down. And another. The remaining three
scramble for cover, returning fire--

Err. CONTBOLBUNKER
BLASTER-FIREscreams all around Jonnie, pinning him down as
Carlo's voice suddenly comes over the radio--
CARLO'S VOICE (FROMRADIO)
The explosives are setl Bow long 'till
I can blow the dome--
JONNIE (INTO RADIO)
--Bold onl I'm afraid we've got a
little situation here.
EXT. TOP OF TBE DOKE-- CONTDruOOS
Carlo finishes planting five sets of explosives in a DIAMOND-
SHAPEaround the dome's apex, when he whirls as--
A PSYCBLOCRAF'l'lLands on the dome behind him.
CARLO (IN'l'O RADIO)
Okay, But Don't Make It Too Long! I"ve
Got CompanyUp Bere--
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie eliminates a Psychlo attempting to call for reinforcements, triggering an alarm at their HQ. Mickey notices armed Psychlos approaching the teleportation platform. Jonnie provides first aid to Mason while they seek refuge in the control bunker. Carlo sets explosives near the dome's apex before facing an attack from a Psychlocraft.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High stakes and tension
  • Compelling concept and plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced and character-driven

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and dramatic moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a revolt against oppressive alien overlords in a futuristic setting is compelling and well-executed, with the use of guerrilla tactics and strategic planning adding depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and full of twists and turns, with the revolt adding a new layer of complexity to the story and driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique world with man-animals and Psychlos, creating a fresh and original setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, resourcefulness, and determination in the face of danger, with Jonnie and Carlo taking on leadership roles in the revolt.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some development, particularly in terms of their bravery and willingness to fight back against their oppressors, but more nuanced changes could enhance the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his fellow man-animals and survive the attack. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom and survival in a hostile environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to defend against the Psychlos and prevent them from taking over the dome. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the man-animals and the Psychlos reaches a boiling point in this scene, with intense action and high stakes driving the tension to its peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles that create uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the man-animals risking their lives to revolt against the powerful and oppressive Psychlos, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, setting up a major turning point in the narrative and advancing the plot towards a climactic confrontation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the action, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the values of freedom and oppression. The protagonist's beliefs in equality and resistance are challenged by the oppressive rule of the Psychlos.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to determination and hope, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and high stakes of the situation, but could benefit from more depth and character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and intense conflict that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and suspense, contributing to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action sequences and dialogue that advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a high level of action and tension, which is engaging for the audience. However, the transition from the guard clinging to life to Jonnie slitting the Psychlo's throat feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother flow.
  • The introduction of the alarm going off adds to the urgency of the situation, but the dialogue from the Communications Officer could be more impactful to convey the severity of the 'man-animal' revolt and the sensors being set off on top of the dome.
  • The scene does a good job of building suspense with Mickey spotting the armed Psychlos approaching the teleportation platform, creating a sense of impending danger.
  • Jonnie applying a makeshift field tourniquet to Mason's leg shows his quick thinking and resourcefulness, which adds depth to his character.
  • The action sequence of Jonnie opening fire on the approaching Psychlos is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged, especially with Carlo's voice coming over the radio to add a sense of urgency.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the guard clinging to life and Jonnie's action to make it more seamless and impactful.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the Communications Officer to better convey the gravity of the situation and the imminent threat posed by the 'man-animal' revolt and the sensors being set off on the dome.
  • Continue to build suspense and tension effectively as the scene progresses, especially with the approaching armed Psychlos and the actions of Jonnie and Mason.
  • Ensure consistency in character development, such as showcasing Jonnie's quick thinking and resourcefulness in applying the tourniquet to Mason's leg.
  • Maintain the momentum of the action sequence and utilize Carlo's voice over the radio to heighten the sense of urgency and danger in the scene.



Scene 39 -  Confrontation at the Teleportation Field
EXT. TELEPORTATION
FIELD - CONTINUOUS
The three Psychlo Guards run from cover to cover, working their
way to set-up a cross-fire on Jonnie. From one of their radios--
COMMUNICATION OFFICER (FROMRADIO)
Please report! What is the security
status of the teleportation platfoon--
One of the Psychlo's pulls his radio to respond--

EXT. CONTROLBUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie tries to draw a bead on him, but the shot is obstructed.
so Jonnie grabs a ROCKand throws it behind--

FIELD -- CONTINUOUS
EXT. 1'ELEPORTATION
The Psychlo, who keys his radio--
PSYCELO
This is Response Team Leader at the
teleportation field--
Be instinctively turns toward the sudden NOISE of the rock
landing behind him, inadvertently stepping out of his cover--

EXT. CONTROLBUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
Which is all Jonnie needs. KABLAMl Be drops the Psychlo.
The other two monsters open up fire on--
Jonnie, who returns their fire, but his gun suddenly runs dry
with a revealing·CLICK ••• CLICK••• CLICK•••

FIELD -- CONTINUOUS
EXT. TELEPOR.TATION
Bearing this, the two Psychlos inmediately charge the bunker.

EXT. CONTROLBUNKER-- CONTINOOOS
Jonnie desperately searches for another weapon. But all he has
is his knife. Which won't do much good against •••
The two Psychlos storming into the bunker, turning their blast-
guns on him at point-blank-range-
e a ?9¥iW




JONNIE
Are you sure you want to kill me without
first checking with your superiors?
Tpe Psychlos FREEZE. Not so much at what Jonnie said. But because--
A PSYCBLO
It speaks Psychlol
Jonnie nods, speaking a little slower than usual.
JONNIE
That's right ••• Which should make it
obvious that I've been trained as part of
a secret high-level operation •••
The two Psychlos exchange a look, then pull their radios.
JONNIE (cont'd)
Although, before you radio your
superiors, maybe there is~ other thing
you should be more concerned about.
A PSYCBLO
And what the hell is that--
KABLAMJ I One Psychlo goes down in a ·bloody ..heap as-- .
LJ Jonnie bas stalled them long enough for MICKEYto sneak down into
position. The remaining Psychlo turns his gun on the young twin--
But Jonnie jumps the Psychlo from behind, slashing its throat
with his hunting knife.

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLAXFORM
-- MOMEN'l'S
LATER
Jonnie onto the platform,
and Mickey load the NUCLEARWARHEAD then--

EXT. CON'l'ROLBUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie races over and enters the activation sequence into the
console. The high-pitched BUM fills the air as the generator-
.dynamos start winding up. Growing louder as ••.
AUTOMATED VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
Teleportation Sequence Initiated.
(a buzzing sound)
'l'eleportation in twenty ••• In nineteen •••

EXT. 'l'OP OF THE DOME -- CONTINUOUS
A heavily armed PSYCBLOSECtJRI'l'YRESPONSETEAMhas deployed £ram
the aircraft and is firing at--
......,;;;;;;::z;·=::m::::r:r:::z .
.,,.




() Carlo, who is forced to dive back into his own--

INT. AIRCRAFT -- COCKPIT -- CONTINUOUS
And take off. one hand gripping a DETONATOR,Carlo watches as the
Psychlos move to investigate the explosives set around the dome's
apex below.

CARLO(INTO RADIO)
If I Don't Blow The Dome Now, I'm Not
Going To Be Able To--

EXT. CONTROLBUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
The drumming of the generators reverberates through the air as
the automated voice finishes the countdown to teleportation .••
VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
AUTOMATED
In five ••• In four ••• In three •••
Jonnie turns, double-checking that Mickey, the nuclear detonator
in hand, is on the platform along with the warhead.
JONNIE (INTO RADIO)
Go AheadAnd BlowThe 0ome1
0 CARLO'S VOICE fFROM~IO)
Thought You'd Never Ask--
AUTOMATED
VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
In two ••• In one •••
(a buzzing sound)
Teleportation Sequence canceled.
And before Jonnie can react--
~ presses a Blast-Gun against the side of his head.
TERI.
Bope I'm not interrupting anything.
An eerie stillness as the generator-dynamos slowly fall silent.

EXT. TOP OF THE DOME-- CONTINUOUS
The Psychlos on the dome have already disarmed one set of the
explosives surrounding the apex, and are removing another as--

INT. AIRCRAFT -- COClCPIT-- CONTINUOUS
carlo hits the detonator--
EXT. TOP OF TBE DOME-- CONTINUOUS
KABBOOHMlll The Psychlos are blown to bits. But with only three
of the five explosive packages in place, the dame SPIDER-WEBS •••
But doesn"t collapse.

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- MOMENTS
LATER
Keeping his gun trained on Jonnie and Mickey, Terl keys his radio.
TERL ( INTO RADIO)
This is Security Chief; Terl. I've
personally taken care of the situation
at the teleportation field. There is no
need to send additional guards
COMMUNICATION OFFICER'S VOICE (FROMRADIO)
Yes, sir ••• And should we continue
rounding-up the man-animals in the park?
Terl locks eyes with Jonnie as he calmly responds--
TERL (INTO RADIO)
Negative. Our boys have been working·
hard and deserve a little fun •. Tell
them to set their weapons to kill
position and happy-hunting.
· (grins)
Exterminate all the man-animals at will.
Jonnie returns the stare in helpless anguish·as--

EXT. CIVIC CENTERPARK -- MOMENTS
LATER
A collective roar of enthusiasm goes up from the Psychlos as the
orders are relayed. They toss down their nets and ropes and draw
their blasters, setting them into KILL-POSITION, then--
fire on the unarmedhumans. Chrissy urgently pulls her radio.
CHRISSY(INTO RADIO)
They' re Opening Op Fire On Os l What' s
Going On With The Dome--
CARLO'S VOICE (FROMRADIO)
--Bold On, I'm taking It Outl

INT. AIRCRAFT-- CONTINUOUS
Carlo pilots the aircraft, sending it screaming full-speed right
for the spider-web of cracked glass surrounding the dome's apex--
EXT. TOP OF THE DOME

The aircraft BLASTSstraight into the dome. The jarring impact
causing the high-tech glass to BUCKLE •••
But the dame's structural integrity remains intact.

EXT. CIVIC CENTERPARK -- CONTINUOUS
The blood bath continues as the Psychlos blast down the unarmed
humans like targets in some amusement park game.
Chrissy desperately grabs a BRANCH
from the ground and throws it
like a kill-club--
The impact knocks the Blaster-Gun out of the paw of a Psychlo,
who is surprised a man-animal was able to do that •••
Let alone a female man~animal. Chrissy and the Psychlo both dive
f o.r the weapon.

. .
Chris~y's the one who comes up with it, blasting a hole through
th~ monsters chest, then spins, firing on another Psychlo.
. . .
C One of Jonnie's trained men springs foi:ward out of the crowd; grabbin
the weapon from the fallen Psychlos, then joins Chrissy in firing on-
The other Psychlos, who realizing they"re·under attack, aggressively
return fire, catching the rebel fighter in a cross-fire, tearing him
to shreds. The Psychlos then turn their weaponson Chrissy. as--

IN'l'. AIRCRAFT -- CONTINUOUS
Carlo tries to reverse the aircraft, but the engine impotently
grinds, mortally damaged in the collision.
The TORTURED SCREAMS of people dying below can be heard over the
radio. And Carlo knows he has no choice •••
Be reaches behind him to an impressive collection of EXPLOSIVE
DEVICES and grabs a GRENADE, pull ; ng the pin.
CARLO(INTO RADIO)
The dome will be blown in five ••• four •••
Be tosses the grenade back with the other explosives and stares
ahead with grim determination, continuing the countdown to his own
death.
CARLO(INTO RADIO)
Three ••• Two ••• One--
The grenade DETONATES. setting-off the rest of the explosives-
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie and Mickey fight off Psychlo Guards and activate the teleportation sequence, but Terl arrives and holds them at gunpoint. The Psychlos open fire, and Chrissy fights back. Carlo attempts to destroy the dome, but fails.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotionally charged moments
  • Strategic planning and warfare tactics
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, emotionally charged, and pivotal to the overall plot, making it highly engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rebellion, survival, and fighting against oppressive forces is well-executed, with the use of advanced technology and strategic warfare adding depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with major developments, conflicts, and resolutions that drive the story forward towards the climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as teleportation technology and a dystopian society, while also exploring themes of survival and resistance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, loyalty, and determination, with their actions and decisions shaping the outcome of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, showing growth, courage, and resilience in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to survive and protect himself and his allies against the Psychlo Guards. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to activate the teleportation sequence and escape from the Psychlo Guards. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the humans and the Psychlos escalates to a critical point, with high stakes and intense confrontations driving the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Psychlo Guards presenting a formidable challenge to Jonnie and his allies. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the survival of the humans, the defeat of the Psychlos, and the future of the planet hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story towards its climax, resolving key conflicts, setting up future events, and building anticipation for the resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflict. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the Psychlo Guards' belief in exterminating 'man-animals' and Jonnie's belief in survival and resistance. This challenges Jonnie's values of freedom and equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, determination, and sacrifice, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and victories.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dramatic conflict. The audience is drawn into the intense situation and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear action beats and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between different locations and actions, making it difficult to follow the sequence of events.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters making unrealistic statements and responses.
  • The action sequences are described in a rushed and chaotic manner, making it hard to visualize the intensity of the confrontations.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development, with interactions feeling superficial and lacking in authenticity.
  • The scene jumps between different characters and locations too quickly, without allowing for proper development or resolution of conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive details to set the scene and create a more immersive environment for the readers.
  • Work on developing more realistic and engaging dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Slow down the pacing of the action sequences to allow for better visualization and understanding of the events.
  • Focus on building emotional depth and complexity in the interactions between characters to create more engaging and relatable relationships.
  • Provide clearer transitions between different locations and actions to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.



Scene 40 -  The Shattered Dome
EXT. TOP OF TBE DOME-- CONTINUOUS
The aircraft EXPLODING in a MASSIVEFIREBALL. The powerful blast
is finally enough to completely shatter the weakeneddome--

EX'l'. CIVIC CENTER PARK-- CONTDruOOS
Chrissy is under intense fire from all directions. She's forced
back against a side of the building, trapped as the Psychlos
move in for the kill, firing relentlessly at her, when from above •••
A sky-full of snowflake-sized pieces of glass rain down,
shililnering like ethereal spirits dancing in the night air.
But as beautiful as it is, the result is deadly to the Psychlos.
Without breath-masks, they drop to the ground, convulsing--

EXT. TELEPORTA'l'ION
PI.A!rFORM
-- CONTnruoos
In contrast to TERL, who calJDly pulls a breath-mask from his pocket.
As he secures the mask, he explains to Jonnie with a smirk--
TERL . :
If I were you, and thank-Psychlo I'm
not, blowing up the dome would have been
my move as well •••


EXT. CIVIC CEN'l!ER PARK-- CONTINUOUS
The rest of Jonnie's men grab the weapons from the now dead monsters
and join Chrissy in taking position to ambush the second wave--

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- CONTINUOUS
Terl keeps his gun trained on Jonnie and Mickey, while calJDly
keying his radio--
TERI. ( nrr0 RADIO)
Uplink a red-alert to Bane Planet.
(matter-of-fact)
It's time we eradicate these pitiful
man-animals once and for all.
COMMUNICATION
OFFICER'S VOICE (FROMRADIO)
With pleasure, sir--
Terl plucks the NUCLEARWARHEAD off the teleporter and nonchalantly
--· tosses it into the field behind him •••
Then loads the coffins full of his precious gold onto the
platform.

INT. COMKONICATIONS
HEADQUARTERS
-- CON'I'INOOUS
The communications Supervisor finishes punching an authorization cod,
into the console and slams a KEY CARD into a slot and turns it-

EXT. PLANET
PSYCBLO
-- CONTINUOUS
Under a perpetual purple sky, the Bame Planet's automated response
system irmnediately goes to work. Towering ROBOTICARMS load-
MASSIVEGAS DRONES
Onto a teleportation platform as--
THOUSANDS
OF SBOCKTROOPS
All in full-on battle gear, swarm onto the platform.

EXT. EARTH-- 'l'ELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- CON'I'INOOOS
Terl finishes loading his gold onto the platform, then keeping the
gun on Jonnie •••
0 TERI,
Even though you're just a rat-brain, I
must admit you gave me quite a sporting
challenge. And you'll make a hell of an
interesting conversation piece once
you're stuffed and hanging on the wall
at the Academy Alumni Club.
With the weapon trained on Jonnie, Terl backs up to the control
bunker. Mickey can't keep the panic from his voice.
KICREY
What are we going to do?l Be sent the
red-alert--
JONNIE
--We're going to let him start-up the
teleportation sequence •••
(fierce resolve)
Then no matter what happens to me, just
make sure you and the nuclear weapon are
on the platform.

EX'l'. CON'l'ROL
BONKER- CON'I'INOOOS
The high-pitched SOMof the generators start to fill the air u--
+ 1M
*




() Terl punches in the last of the commands for teleportation.
ADTOMATED VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
Teleportation Sequence Initiated.
(a buzzing sound)
Teleportation in twenty •••
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary After the aircraft explodes, shattering the dome, Chrissy is trapped and under fire from Psychlos, but is saved by pieces of glass from the dome. Terl calmly puts on a breath-mask and orders his men to eradicate the humans. Jonnie's men ambush the second wave of Psychlos, while Terl loads his gold onto the teleportation platform. Terl threatens Jonnie, but Jonnie plans to let him start the teleportation sequence so that Mickey can escape with the nuclear weapon. Terl initiates the teleportation sequence, setting the countdown to his own death.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotionally charged moments
  • Strategic planning and plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be overly complex for casual viewers
  • Character motivations could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, emotionally charged, and pivotal to the overall story. It effectively builds tension and sets the stage for the climax.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a nuclear warhead, teleportation, and strategic planning to defeat the enemy is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the sci-fi action genre.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict, twists, and turns. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and drives the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a post-apocalyptic world and the conflict between humans and aliens. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, determination, and sacrifice in the face of danger. Their actions and decisions drive the plot and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, showing courage, loyalty, and selflessness in the face of danger. Their actions shape the outcome of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal in this scene is to protect his men and defeat the Psychlos. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom and justice, as well as his fear of failure and loss.

External Goal: 9

Jonnie's external goal is to stop the Psychlos from eradicating humanity and to secure the nuclear warhead. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and resistance against a powerful enemy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between humans and Psychlos escalates to a climactic battle, with high stakes and intense action. The tension is palpable throughout the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing overwhelming odds and difficult choices. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of the conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance. The characters risk everything to defeat the enemy and reclaim their freedom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards the climax, setting up the final confrontation between humans and Psychlos. It resolves key conflicts and sets the stage for the resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the Psychlos' reaction to the glass rain and Terl's betrayal. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of freedom and oppression. Jonnie and the humans represent the desire for freedom and self-determination, while the Psychlos embody tyranny and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of hope, fear, and determination. The sacrifices made by the characters and the high stakes add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, impactful, and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions. It adds tension and authenticity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and the characters' determination to overcome the odds. The fast-paced narrative keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum throughout. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for an action-packed sequence in a sci-fi screenplay, with clear transitions between locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene is action-packed and intense, with multiple elements and characters involved in different locations.
  • The dialogue is effective in conveying the tension and conflict between the characters, especially Terl and Jonnie.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and help create a clear picture of the chaotic and dramatic events unfolding.
  • There is a good balance between action sequences, dialogue, and character interactions, keeping the scene engaging.
  • The scene effectively sets up the climax of the story with the impending threat of the nuclear warhead and the Psychlos' response.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the action to ensure clarity and avoid overwhelming the reader with too many simultaneous events.
  • Provide more internal thoughts and emotions of the characters to deepen the reader's connection to their struggles and motivations.
  • Focus on building suspense and tension leading up to the climax to enhance the impact of the resolution.
  • Ensure consistency in character motivations and actions to maintain believability and coherence in the scene.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to immerse the reader in the high-stakes environment and heighten the dramatic tension.



Scene 41 -  The Final Showdown
EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- CONTINUOUS
Jonnie charges off the platform. Terl spins and PIRES at him--
But Jonnie manages to dive clear of the shot, then pivots with
blurring speed and throws his--
BUNTINGJCNIFE
Through the air, sending it straight at--


Who tries to twist out of the way, but the knife slams deep into
his shoulder. Terl pulls it out as--
JONNIE
Launches himself like a possessed demon straight into him.
Fueled by primal rage, Jonnie is able to.knock the much-bigger
Psychlo to the ground, jarring the gun from Terl's grip.
But Terl is bigger and stronger. Be pins Jonnie down and
savagely tears into him with his razor-like claws--
Jonnie lunges up and grabs Terl's wounded shoulder with both
hands. Squeezing and twisting as hard as he can, Jonnie wrenches
Terl off of him. But the victory is short lived as •••
Terl rolls over and is now able to get back onto his feet.
But Jonnie hangs on and stays focused on the monster's weak .spot.
Digging o.ne hand into Terl •s wounded shoulder, while POMMELING at
it in a mad blur with the other, inflicting what damage he can--
Hissing in pain, Terl swats Jonnie back to the ground then grabs
his blast-gun and stands, towering over--
Jonnie, who can see behind Terl, where •••

EXT. TELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- CONTINOOOS
Mickey struggles with all his might, just managing to boost the
nuclear warhead back onto the platform.
WP 11£MWMS




BUNKER-- CONTINUOUS
EXT. CONTROL
VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
AUTOMATED
Teleportation in twelve ••• In eleven •••

EXT. TELEPORTATION
FIELD - CONTINUOUS
Jonnie locks eyes with Terl, trying to keep him from noticing
Mickey scrambling onto the platform with the nuclear weapon.
JONNIE
Look, I know you're going to kill me.
But I have one la.st request.
Terl aims the gun straight down between Jonnie's eyes.
TERI,
I'm afraid you're in no position to be
making requests-
JONNIE
--I know.But I'm begging you.
{pleads)
With the gas drones coming, is there any
way to spare one human life ••• Because
you were right about the young lady
you put the collar on. ·I do know her.
C, (quietly)
She was to be my wife.
Terl can't believe Jonnie's stupidity. Chuckles with glee.
TERI,
Thanks for reminding me, rat-brain.
(pulls the REMOTE
to Chrissy's collar)
Before you die, you should have the
pleasure of knowing what happens to your
little •wife• to be.
Terl raises the remote with one paw, the other pointing the
blast-gun down at Jonnie, who stares him straight in the eye.
JONNIE
Trust me. You don't want to do that--
TERI.
Trust me. I want nothing mare--
Terl plunges the remote's button. Obviously not realizing that--
When Jonnie grabbed his shoulder, he had clasped the explosive
collar from Chrissy under one of the gold epaulettes and--
QBOOM
Terl blows off his own ann. Blood gushing from his shoulder
where it used to be connected to an arm.
Terl is too stunned to react as--
Jonnie dives to the ground, grabbing the blaster-gun still
connected to.what's left of Terl's arm.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jonnie and Terl engage in a fierce battle on the teleportation platform. Jonnie attempts to distract Terl while Mickey retrieves the nuclear warhead. However, Terl, unaware of their plan, activates the explosive collar on Chrissy's shoulder. In a twist of fate, the collar was attached to Jonnie instead, resulting in Terl's self-inflicted injury. Seizing the opportunity, Jonnie grabs the blaster-gun and confronts Terl.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Pivotal plot development
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, emotion, and suspense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The confrontation between Jonnie and Terl is a pivotal moment in the plot, leading to significant character development and setting up the climax of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a final showdown between the protagonist and antagonist at a critical location like the teleportation platform is well-executed. The scene effectively combines elements of action, drama, and sacrifice to create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is intense and gripping, with multiple layers of conflict, betrayal, and sacrifice driving the action forward. The resolution of the conflict between Jonnie and Terl sets the stage for the climax of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique blend of futuristic technology, intense physical combat, and emotional depth in the characters' interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Jonnie and Terl, are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The scene showcases their strengths, weaknesses, and the emotional depth of their interactions, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Jonnie and Terl, undergo significant changes in the scene. Jonnie's determination and sacrifice, as well as Terl's loss and defeat, mark a turning point in their arcs and set up the resolution of their conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Jonnie's internal goal is to save himself and potentially spare the life of someone he cares about. This reflects his desire for survival and his emotional connection to the young lady mentioned in the scene.

External Goal: 7

Jonnie's external goal is to defeat Terl and prevent the gas drones from causing harm. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral conflicts driving the action. The confrontation between Jonnie and Terl escalates the tension and sets the stage for the climax of the story.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jonnie facing a formidable adversary in Terl and struggling to overcome the obstacles in his path.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the lives of the characters, the fate of the planet, and the outcome of the conflict hanging in the balance. The decisions made in this scene have far-reaching consequences that will shape the rest of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts, setting up the climax, and advancing the character arcs. The actions and decisions made by the characters have far-reaching consequences that propel the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflict between Jonnie and Terl.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of human life and the consequences of one's actions. Jonnie's plea to spare a life contrasts with Terl's ruthless and cruel behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, sorrow, and determination resonating with the audience. The sacrifices made by the characters and the intense confrontations evoke strong emotions and add depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, with tense exchanges between Jonnie and Terl adding to the dramatic tension. The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters in the high-stakes situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, emotional stakes, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast tempo, building tension, and escalating the conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a climax that resolves the conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense action and physical confrontation between Jonnie and Terl, which creates a gripping and suspenseful atmosphere.
  • The use of weapons, such as the bunting knife and blast-gun, adds to the tension and danger in the scene.
  • The emotional stakes are raised with Jonnie's plea to spare Chrissy's life, adding a personal element to the conflict between Jonnie and Terl.
  • The twist involving the explosive collar hidden under Terl's epaulettes adds a surprising and clever resolution to the confrontation.
  • The scene effectively builds up to a climactic moment with the countdown for teleportation and the impending threat of the gas drones.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jonnie to further engage the audience with his character and motivations.
  • Provide more context or backstory on the relationship between Jonnie and Chrissy to enhance the emotional impact of Jonnie's plea to spare her life.
  • Explore the aftermath of the explosive collar twist to show the immediate consequences and reactions of the characters involved.
  • Consider adding a brief reflection or resolution moment after the intense confrontation to allow the audience to process the events and their implications.
  • Ensure the action sequences are described clearly and vividly to maintain the high level of tension and excitement throughout the scene.



Scene 42 -  Sacrifice and Redemption
EXT. CONTROL
BON:KER
-- CONTINUOUS
The humming of the generators grows louder.
AUTOMATED VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
In five ••• In four ••• In three •••

EXT. TELEPORTATION
FIELD - CONTINUOUS
Keeping the blast-gun, on Terl, Jonnie turns to .check on--

EXT. 'l'ELEPORTATION -- CONTINUOUS
PLATFORM
Mickey pulls out the nuclear detonator. A sense of deep pride at
the .mission heis about to perform. As the countdown finishes--

Mickey turns and gives his friend Jonnie a SALUTE·.

FIELD -- CONTINUOUS.
EXT. TELEPORTATION
Jonnie salutes Mickey back with eyes full of respect. The field
suddenly rocked by a DEAFENING ROARand BLINDINGLIGHT, and--
Mickey. the warhead. and coffins disappear from tbe platfo;:m.

EXT. PLANET
PSYCBLO
-- TELEPORTATION
CENTER-- CONTINUOUS
With the GAS DRONESand shock troops all loaded for earth, the
countdown for teleportation is at •••
AOTOMA.TEDVOICE (FROM CONSOLE)
Teleport.ation in five ••• In four •••
At the far end of a seemingly endless row of platforms--

EXT. PLANETPSYCHLOTELEPORTATION -- CONTINOOOS
PLATFORM
MICKEYappears, along with Terl's coffins and the nuclear weapon.
The Psychlo workers in the vicinity laugh at Mickey's fate. But
Mickey stares at them without blinking--
q ;;,.,




MICJCEY
I know I'm going to die •••
The Psychlos obviously don't speak English and have no idea what
be' s saying. But they crowd around in morbid curiosity as •••
The planet's overwhelming gravity crushes Mickey t.o the ground.
The young twin's eyes bulging, he announces to the crowd--
MICKEY(cont'd)
But so are you--
This cracks up the others. With his final moment of life,
Mickey pushes the detonator button •••

EXT. 'l'ELEPORTATION
PLATFORM
-- CON'l'INOOUS
As the countdown to earth'. s destruction finishes--
AU'l'OMA'I'ED
VOICE (FROMCONSOLE)
In two ••• In one--
KKXAAABBBBBLLLLLAAAAAAAMMMMMMM111111l
11111

TROOPSvapo;ized into obliyion~-
The GAS DRONESand SBOClC
Along.with everything else in the ·path of the.JZJUs~oom_cloud
slannning through the city like a tidal wave. of pure destructio·n.
Blasting apart countless Psychlos and their buildings. And after
the initial blast subsides, the radiation reacts with the air-
causing the AIR TO EXPLODEin an instantaneous chain-reaction
spreading out faster than the eye can see, as •••
The atmosphere is literally burnt awayfrom the planet.

EXT. SPACE -- CONTINUOUS
A blinding white fla=ne expanding out until it surrounds the
mammoth planet.· Burning with searing intensity until--
THEENTIRE
PLANET-EXPLODES
INTONOTBmGNEss111
SLOWFADE~
EX'!'. FORT KNOX-- DAY
An aircraft lands at the fort, and Jonnie and Chrissy emerge.
Mason, sporting a finely-crafted wooden leg, steps up to greet them.
MASON
We're all but done here. The painters
just finished yesterday.
..

Jonnie nods as they head into the fort.
JONNIE
Good. Because now that we've got
everyone out of the contemina~ed areas,
we're going to need your help organizing
a sumn:it with the clan leaders.

Drr. FORT -- LOWERLEVEL-- MOMENTS
LATER
Mason leads Jonnie and Chrissy down a long &DDOredhallway and
through a thick vault door, to where--

Drr. INNER VAULT -- CONTINUOUS
Terl, a stump where his arm used to be, downs a shot of kerbango
in his new 'living quarters', which have been painted purple for
him. Be stares at Jonnie through the steel bars.
'l'ERL
What kind of barbaric species are you
rat-brains? Either put me to work as a
slave or have the decency to vaporize me.
(with revulsion)
But to imprison me--
JONNIE
--Oh, put you to work, don t -worry. .
we I ll I,

(explains)
You told me yourself, Earth.isn't the
only planet that you Psychlos colonized.
CHRISSY
••• And those other Psychlos out there
probably aren't too pleased about what
happened to their Bome Planet.
'l'erl stares at her in amazement, then eyes Jonnie.
'l'ERL
She speaks Psychlo.
CBRISSY
We all do •••
JONNIE
We figure it might come in handy if
those other Psychlos ever decide to
come by for a little 'visit.
TERI,
One could only hope.
JONNIE
Which make you useful to us. After all,
you did graduate top of your class.
0 CHRISSY
So you must have some understanding of
Psychlo battle tactics and strategy.
TERL
(snide laugh)
And why the hell would I ever help you?l
JONNIE
I'm just guessing that you wouldn't want
the other Psychlos to know that it was
~ greed and corruption that allowed
us to destroy their home planet.
Terl stops laughing. Bis eyes narrowing into slits as Jonnie
holds up a DISC.
JONNIE (cont'd)
I may be a rat-brain, but I was smart
enough to figure out how to make a copy
of this before I gave it to lter.
on Terl's look of complete anq utter defeat, we •••

FADE TO


THE END
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Mickey's heroic sacrifice destroys the Psychlo planet, ending the conflict but leaving behind devastation. On Earth, Jonnie and his allies initiate diplomatic efforts and confront Terl, who agrees to assist in preventing future bloodshed.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Innovative concepts
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too complex for casual viewers to follow without prior context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and emotional moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a final battle between humans and Psychlos, involving a nuclear warhead and teleportation technology, is innovative and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear goal, high stakes, and intense conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as alien species, advanced technology, and moral conflicts, creating a fresh and engaging narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions are consistent with their motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, particularly in their willingness to fight back against the Psychlos and make sacrifices for the greater good.

Internal Goal: 8

Mickey's internal goal is to fulfill his mission with pride and bravery, even in the face of certain death. This reflects his desire for honor and loyalty to his cause.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to destroy the enemy planet and prevent further harm to Earth. This reflects the immediate challenge and threat they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between humans and Psychlos, as well as internal conflicts among the characters, is intense and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create suspense and uncertainty about the outcome. The characters face difficult choices and moral dilemmas that add depth to the conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the fate of humanity and the survival of the planet hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards a climactic resolution, setting the stage for the final confrontation between humans and Psychlos.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and character choices that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict between the values of honor and sacrifice for a cause, as seen in Mickey's actions, and the values of power and domination, as represented by the Psychlos. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the righteousness of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to hope and sacrifice, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying emotions, motivations, and key plot points effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional depth. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and visual presentation of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action sequences, dialogue exchanges, and character interactions. It maintains a good pacing and rhythm, building tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the action sequences, making it difficult for the reader to visualize what is happening.
  • The dialogue between the characters could be more impactful and engaging to heighten the tension and drama of the scene.
  • The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interactions between the characters, particularly in the final confrontation between Jonnie and Terl.
  • The scene could benefit from more descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
Suggestions
  • Provide clearer descriptions of the action sequences to help the reader visualize the events unfolding.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more dynamic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and characters to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Add more depth to the interactions between Jonnie and Terl to create a more intense and gripping confrontation.
  • Use descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and enhance the overall atmosphere of the scene.