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Scene 1 - Olive's Video Confession

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

EASY A

Written by

Bert V. Royal

Revisions by

Will Gluck

March 16, 2009
FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

It's an average sized high school in an average sized town with
average sized cars in the parking lot. Yet there's something
special about it.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY

It's empty.

OLIVE (V.O.)
The rumors of my promiscuity have been
greatly exaggerated.

The bell rings and students pour out of the classrooms.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I used to be anonymous. A nothing. A
nonentity. Google Earth couldn't find
me if I was dressed up as a ten story
building. I know, pretty cutting edge
stuff, huh? A high school girl
feeling anonymous. Who am I? Why am
I here? Do I matter? Blah blah
snore. Don't worry, this isn't one of
those tales. But it sure started off
that way.

The camera starts to track a group among the masses. Olive
could be any one of a number of girls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Let the record show that I, Olive
Penderghast, being of sound mind,
ample breast size and the occasional
corny knock knock joke, do enter this
into evidence in the case against me.
Because I'm being judged by a jury of
my peers, I will attempt to insert
'like' and 'totally' into my
confession as much as possible. I
will also end statements with a
question mark?

The masses turn a corner. Still crowded. Olive still
unidentified, but we're narrowing it down.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So here it goes... I confess I'm, in
no small part, to blame for all the
gossip that has turned my varsity
letter scarlet.
(MORE)
2.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But -- for any guy hoping that the
sizzling details of my sordid past
will inspire you to lock the bathroom
door and 'do it to it' with your
sister's moisturizing lotion - you'll
be gravely disappointed. Not to
mention unsatisfied. And smelling
like hibiscus.

The group walks out the doors of the school.

EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Still in a group, now narrowed down to two girls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I just need to set the record straight
and what better way to share my
private thoughts than to broadcast it
on the Internet.

One girl is now clearly the camera's muse. She's pretty,
fashionable, and carefree. As she walks off across the median
without a care in the world she bumps into... Olive (18) our
hero. She's pretty yet still blossoming. Books and papers go
flying. She gives chase.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive speaks directly into a webcam atop her computer.

OLIVE
So, here it is: Part One.

She holds up pieces of paper on which she has written:

OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Shudder-Inducing-and-Clichéd,
However-Totally-False Account Of How I
Lost My Virginity To A Guy At A
Community College. And Lost my
Anonymity Along The Way. Let me just
begin by saying that there are two
sides to every story. This is my
side, the right one.
(beat)
Like, totally?

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen"]

Summary Olive, a high school student, records a humorous and self-deprecating video confession to address rumors of promiscuity. She admits to exaggerating her experiences and promises to reveal the truth behind her lost anonymity.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Engaging storytelling approach
Distinct characters

Weaknesses

Low emotional impact
Limited character development in this scene

Critique

The scene starts with a voiceover that sets up the premise of the film, but it feels a bit cliched and lacks originality.
The introduction of Olive as the protagonist is a bit rushed and lacks depth. More character development could help the audience connect with her better.
The dialogue in the voiceover feels forced and unnatural, especially with the excessive use of 'like' and 'totally'. It comes across as trying too hard to be relatable to a teenage audience.
The transition from the present-day bedroom scene to the high school flashback is a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
The exposition through Olive's confession on the webcam feels contrived and could be more subtly integrated into the narrative.
The scene lacks visual storytelling and relies heavily on exposition through voiceover, which can be less engaging for the audience.

Suggestions

Consider reworking the voiceover to make it more authentic and less cliched. Focus on Olive's unique voice and perspective.
Introduce Olive in a more dynamic way that showcases her personality and sets her apart from other high school girls.
Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less forced. Avoid using trendy language that may quickly become outdated.
Work on smoother transitions between scenes to maintain the flow of the narrative and keep the audience engaged.
Find ways to show rather than tell the audience about Olive's character and the central conflict. Use visual cues and actions to convey information.
Consider incorporating more visual storytelling techniques to enhance the scene and make it more visually engaging.

Scene 2 - Uncomfortable Encounters

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Olive continues to wrangle up her books and papers as her best
friend, Rhiannon (18) brash and usually angry, watches her
offering no help. A paper flies away and Olive crawls on all
fours after it.
3.

RHIANNON
Fuck off! George is not a 'sexy'
name. George is like what you name
your teddy bear, not the name you
wanna scream out during climax.

The paper is stopped in flight by a large sneaker. Olive looks
up and sees it belongs to Mr. Griffin (early 30s) a handsome but
hopelessly goofy English teacher.

MR. GRIFFIN
I hope by climax, you weren't talking
about--

OLIVE
(covering)
The stable and self-perpetuating
endstage in the evolution of a plant
community. Like "by George, that tree
has reached the final stage of
ecological succession!"

RHIANNON
And it only took twenty seconds.

Mr. Griffin doesn't buy it, but is charmed by Olive's attempt.

MR. GRIFFIN
Hit the books. They don't hit back.

He heads back toward the school's entrance. He sees some STONER
SKATEBOARDERS, leaning on the front steps. They stare at him
with the same indifference all the students do.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Mr. Griffin is one of those sweetly
intense guys who could've had any job
in the world after college but instead
became a teacher 'cause he thinks
"youth is our most precious resource."
Which is weird, 'cause if you think
about it, oil is our most precious
resource. Followed closely by potable
water and then Jake and Maggie
Gyllenhaal.

Mr. Griffin takes a cigarette out of one of the kids' hands,
inhales it, then blows it out on a napkin. He shows the
resulting brown tar mark on the napkin a la "this is what you're
doing to your lungs."

OLIVE
There are lots of sexy Georges.
4.

RHIANNON
Name three.
(cutting her off)
Besides Clooney. Too easy.

OLIVE
Shouldn't he alone be enough?

RHIANNON
Fine. That's one. Number two?

OLIVE
Okay. George... um... Reeves!

RHIANNON
Who's that?

OLIVE
Superman. From way back. He was hot.

RHIANNON
No fucking way. Teddy bear.

OLIVE
Fine. George Stephanopolous. Bam.

RHIANNON
Ew. How does having beaver fever for
Hillary Clinton make you sexy?

OLIVE
They never had sex. He was her
adviser.

RHIANNON
Really? I thought they knocked mops.
OLIVE
No, but that's kind of a hot couple.
I wonder who'd wear the pantsuit in
that relationship.

RHIANNON
Just face it. There's no such thing
as a sexy George.

OLIVE
Well, mine is. So, I think we should
just put this conversation to bed.

RHIANNON
Fine. Don't come camping with us.
Just know that I fucking hate you.

Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.
5.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive speaks into her webcam.

OLIVE
Okay. Here's the thing. Rhi's
parents are a little... peculiar.

INT. ABERNATHY KITCHEN - DAY

Olive and Rhiannon eat at the dining room table with Rhi's
parents in a long uncomfortable silence. A lot of liquor has
been drunk.

OLIVE
This is delicious, Mrs. Abernathy.

MRS. ABERNATHY
Thank you, sweetheart. That means the
world to me.

Mrs. Abernathy smiles and reaches for the bottle. She drunkenly
knocks over Olive's glass. Mr. Abernathy drunkenly goes to help
her and knocks over his glass. He starts laughing hysterically
as Mrs. Abernathy throws down her napkin and stalks into the
kitchen.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Who am I kidding? Rhi's parents are
straight up alkies. I feel bad for
her but if she was a true friend,
she'd understand why I refused to take
part in another one of their Virginia
Woolf psychodramas.

EXT. MAIN STREET PARK - DAY
Olive and Rhiannon sit with their feet in a fountain sucking
down sodas.

RHIANNON
Please. Please. I'm begging you.
I'll pay you.

OLIVE
Rhi, I can't go camping with your
family. I told you, I have a date.

RHIANNON
With who?

OLIVE
You don't know him.
6.

RHIANNON
And neither do you, you selfish bitch.

OLIVE
I'm serious. He goes to college with
my brother.

RHIANNON
What's his name then?

OLIVE
You know my brother's name.

RHIANNON
Stop stalling. You're totally trying
to come up with a name. Admit it.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive and Rhiannon playfully discuss a handsome stranger at school, navigating an awkward dinner with Rhi's alcoholic parents. However, tension arises when Olive's refusal to join Rhi's family camping trip due to a pending date strains their friendship.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Lack of high stakes
Limited character changes

Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between different conversations and settings without a strong connection.
The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
The humor in the scene comes across as forced and trying too hard to be funny, which can be off-putting to the audience.
The interactions between the characters, especially Olive and Rhiannon, lack emotional depth and fail to engage the audience.
The transition between the school setting and Olive's bedroom feels abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene.
The scene lacks a clear resolution or payoff, leaving the audience feeling unsatisfied and disconnected from the story.

Suggestions

Focus on developing a central conflict or theme for the scene to give it a sense of purpose and direction.
Work on creating more authentic and meaningful dialogue between the characters to enhance their relationships and make the scene more engaging.
Avoid relying too heavily on humor and instead focus on creating genuine emotional moments that resonate with the audience.
Consider streamlining the scene by cutting unnecessary dialogue and focusing on the key interactions between the characters.
Improve the transitions between different settings and conversations to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.
Ensure that the scene has a clear resolution or takeaway for the audience to keep them invested in the story.

Scene 3 - Olive's Video Diary Confession

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
I'm not proud of this. Less about the
lie and more about the unoriginality
of it. Have you ever watched "The
Brady Bunch?" Of course you have-- if
you're watching this you're clearly a
sophisticate. But Rhi hasn't. She's
too busy watching fake people pretend
to be real people on MTV. That's why
I knew I could get away with it. See,
there was this episode where Jan, the
awkward middle child, made up a
boyfriend to avoid the ridicule of her
snatchy sister who'd just stolen the
heart of the boy who Jan loved. The
name of her imaginary boyfriend was--
EXT. MAIN STREET PARK - CONTINUOUS

OLIVE
George Glass.

RHIANNON
George? What kind of name is George?

OLIVE
He's pretty hot and he asked me out
this weekend, so I said yes.

RHIANNON
If you're choosing him over helping me
cope for two days in the wilderness
with Ma and Pa Kettle One he had
better be the shit.
(MORE)
7.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
You'd better fucking marry him, have
fucking babies with him and then
fucking take him for everything he's
worth.

OLIVE
You make it sound so romantic.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Even though we now hate each other,
Rhi, I really hope you're watching
this. Because this part's for you.
The lurid details of my weekend en
flagrante delicto with the all-too-
imaginary, yet surprisingly satisfying
George Glass.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Olive watches "The Brady Bunch" on MUTE. The song on the radio
turns to "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. Olive
winces at the song.

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
I got a pocket, got a pocket full of
sunshine. I got a love and I know
that it's all mine. Oh, oh, oh.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Ugh. Worst song ever.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Olive paints her toenails Jungle Red. She's quietly humming,
unaware that she's doing it.

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
Do what you want, but you never gonna
break me. Sticks and stones are never
gonna shake me. Oh, oh, oh.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT AFTERNOON

She picks up a magazine with Ryan Gosling on the cover. She's
doodled a picture of herself hand-in-hand with him. She starts
to paint the stick figure's toes red. She's now singing along--

OLIVE/NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
Take me away. A secret place. A
sweet escape. Take me away to better
days. Take me away. A hiding place.
8.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

Olive stands on her chair, dusting the top corners of her rooms
as she sings--

OLIVE/NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
I got a pocket, got a pocketful of
sunshine. I got a love and I know
that it's all mine. Oh, oh, oh. Do
what you want, but you never gonna
break me...

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

She's eating a bowl of cereal in her underwear, reading the
newspaper online. She drinks out of an orange juice carton.

OLIVE
Wish that you could, but you ain't
gonna own me. Do anything you can to
control me. Oh, oh, oh.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THAT EVENING

Olive dances around and sings like crazy--

OLIVE
Take me away. Take me away. Take me
away to better days. Take me away. A
hiding place!

She trips over her chair and crashes into the floor.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how
my weekend was...

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a video diary entry, Olive admits to lying to her friend about having a boyfriend named George Glass. She details the inspiration for the lie and reveals her fondness for "The Brady Bunch" and Natasha Bedingfield's song "Pocketful of Sunshine."

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Reliance on pop culture references

Critique

The scene transitions between Olive recording a video confession in her bedroom, watching 'The Brady Bunch' on mute, painting her toenails, doodling, and singing along to 'Pocketful of Sunshine' by Natasha Bedingfield. While these actions provide insight into Olive's character and her coping mechanisms, the scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus.
The use of voiceover narration to address Rhiannon in the video confession and the direct interaction with Rhiannon in the bedroom creates a confusing narrative structure. It's unclear whether Olive is speaking to Rhiannon in the video or in person, leading to a lack of clarity in the scene.
The inclusion of Olive's various activities like painting her toenails, doodling, and singing along to a song may be excessive and detract from the main purpose of the scene, which is to address the lie about George Glass. These activities could be streamlined or integrated more effectively to enhance the storytelling.
The scene lacks a clear progression or development of the central conflict surrounding Olive's lie about George Glass. While Olive's actions and behaviors provide glimpses into her character, they do not significantly advance the plot or deepen the audience's understanding of her motivations.
The use of Natasha Bedingfield's song 'Pocketful of Sunshine' as a recurring motif adds a playful element to the scene, but the repetitive nature of Olive singing along to the song in different contexts may become monotonous for the audience.

Suggestions

Consider streamlining the scene to focus more on Olive's confession about George Glass and its impact on her relationship with Rhiannon. Cut down on extraneous activities to maintain a clear narrative thread.
Clarify the narrative structure by distinguishing between Olive's video confession and her interactions with Rhiannon in the bedroom. Ensure that the transitions between these two modes of communication are seamless and purposeful.
Integrate Olive's activities like painting her toenails, doodling, and singing along to the song more organically into the scene to enhance character development and thematic resonance.
Ensure that each action or dialogue in the scene contributes to the progression of the central conflict and the audience's understanding of Olive's character. Cut down on elements that do not serve the main purpose of the scene.
Explore ways to creatively use Natasha Bedingfield's song 'Pocketful of Sunshine' as a motif without it becoming repetitive. Consider varying the contexts in which Olive interacts with the song to maintain audience engagement.

Scene 4 - High School Drama

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Olive and Rhi walk to class, weaving in and out of people.

OLIVE
It was nothing short of perfection.

RHIANNON
Are you limping? Sweet.

OLIVE
Get your head out of the gutter. I
strained my vastus intermedius doing
yoga with him. Did I mention he does
yoga?
9.

RHIANNON
You didn't mention anything. I want
details, bitch. Wait, first I need a
scope of reference. Who would play
him in the movie of your life?

OLIVE
Ryan Gosling, definitely.

RHIANNON
That works. Continue.

OLIVE
He was charming. A real gentleman.

RHIANNON
Are you going to see him again?

OLIVE
Probably not. It was just one of
those weekends.

RHIANNON
The whole weekend?

OLIVE
Yeah.

Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.

RHIANNON
Wait a minute. You didn't...

OLIVE
No, of course not.

RHIANNON
You fucking liar! You totally lost
your V-card to him!

Students stop in their tracks and stare.

OLIVE
I did not.

RHIANNON
Yes you did! You lying fucking whore!

Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.

RHIANNON
Tell me everything and spare me the
coquettish "just-the-tip" bullshit. I
know you did it! I know you let him
put it inside you, so just tell me!
10.

OLIVE
I'm not that kind of girl.

RHIANNON
The kind that does it or the kind that
does it like a fucking porn star and
then doesn't have the lady balls to
tell her best friend.

Rhi drags her into the bathroom.

INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS

She aggressively gets up in Olive's face.

RHIANNON
I want every perverted detail. Now,
bitch.

OLIVE
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
It's not technically a term of
endearment.

RHIANNON
I want every detail. Now, mother
fucker.

OLIVE
Not heading in the right direction.

Rhiannon tightens her grip. Pressured, Olive lies.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Okay. Fine. We did it.

RHIANNON
You lost your virginity! Fucking
finally! Now, you're a super-slut
like me!

OLIVE
Blowing Peter Tolliver once behind a
Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't make you a
super-slut.

RHIANNON
There were people walking past.
Someone could've easily seen.
Whatever, this isn't about me. It's
about you. What did you let him do?

OLIVE (V.O.)
I started piling on lie after lie. It
was like setting up Jenga.
11.

OLIVE
It was... normal. Nothing freaky. It
was sweet. He was sweet. Okay,
that's enough.

The toilet flushes and Marianne Bryant (18) an Aryanesque,
cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks to
the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands. All the while
staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.

RHIANNON
What the fuck are you looking at,
Sister Christian?

MARIANNE
Just a couple of admitted whores.

Marianne wipes her hands and exits. Olive's stomach revolves at
her now-turned-public admission.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
the President of the Christian Student
Coalition and is that rare breed of
human being born with a real live
stick up her ass. God's honest. I'm
pretty sure it's in some medical
dictionary somewhere.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - LAST YEAR - DAY

Marianne and her lackey, Nina (18) who's just as awful as she
is, pass out flyers to students. They've set up a tent like all
religious groups do.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Last year's cause celébre was the
changing of the school mascot, which
she spearheaded.

Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing
students faces.

INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - DAY

The school's mascot (17) a shirtless muscular kid painted blue
and costumed as a devil, bursts into the auditorium and begins
to rile up students by thrusting his pitchfork in the air.

MASCOT
Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
Devils!
12.

The crowd goes wild.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive and Rhi walk to class discussing Olive's weekend encounter with a guy. Rhi accuses Olive of losing her virginity, leading Olive to lie about it. Marianne, a Christian girl, overhears their conversation and insults them. The scene takes place in a high school hallway during the day, with a tense and confrontational tone. The conflict arises from Rhi's accusation and Marianne's judgmental behavior, leaving Olive feeling embarrassed and exposed.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Humorous interactions
Well-defined characters

Weaknesses

Some potentially offensive language
Stereotypical portrayal of certain characters

Critique

The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and unrealistic, especially the aggressive and vulgar language used by Rhiannon.
The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in addressing the topic of virginity and slut-shaming, resorting to cliched and exaggerated reactions.
The character of Marianne is portrayed in a one-dimensional and stereotypical manner, lacking depth and complexity.
The transition between Olive's present-day webcam confession and the flashback to the high school hallway is abrupt and disjointed.
The scene relies heavily on shock value and provocative language, which may detract from the overall message and impact of the story.

Suggestions

Consider toning down the aggressive and vulgar language between Olive and Rhiannon to make the dialogue more realistic and relatable.
Develop the character of Marianne beyond the stereotypical 'Christian girl' archetype to add depth and complexity to the story.
Focus on creating a more seamless transition between Olive's present-day reflections and the flashback scenes to improve the flow of the narrative.
Explore more nuanced and subtle ways to address the themes of virginity and slut-shaming to avoid relying on cliches and stereotypes.
Consider incorporating more character development and emotional depth to enhance the impact of the scene and the overall story.

Scene 5 - School Spirit Confessions

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY LAST YEAR - DAY

Marianne, standing in front of another religious tent,
melodramatically grabs a passing student by the arm as she
passes out flyers.

MARIANNE
How can we exhibit school pride when
we're conveyed to others as Satan
worshippers?

The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Now, thankfully, we're the much less
intimidating--

INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER - DAY

The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into
the gym dressed as a--

MASCOT
Woodchucks! Go Woodchucks!

The school band starts playing "Knock on Wood" by Wilson
Pickett. He picks up a foam piece of wood and pantomimes
gnawing it a la a woodchuck. Then he blows "sawdust" out of his
hand and confetti goes flying. He can't seem to get himself or
the student body as excited - with the exception of Marianne and
Nina, in the stands applauding proudly. Across the gym, Olive
sits with Rhiannon.

RHIANNON
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

OLIVE
Beats the hell out of me. But can we
just take a moment to applaud the
Marching Band for their very ambitious
effort to learn every song with the
word "wood" in it? Kudos!

RHIANNON
I think I speak for all of the female
students and faculty, and maybe a
couple of males, when I say that I
liked Todd much better when he was
shirtless. I actually looked forward
to these disturbing displays of-- what
do they call it?
13.

OLIVE
School spirit.

RHIANNON
Yeah. That's it. The decline of 21st
century adolescence can be defined in
those two simple, oxymoronic words.

OLIVE
Even dressed as a woodchuck, I still
fantasize about him.

RHIANNON
Ha! What are those people called
again? The ones that dress up like
stuffed animals when they do it?

OLIVE
Republicans.

RHIANNON
(laughs)
Shhh. They'll hear you. They're all
around us.

The band segues into "If I Ever Had to Knock on Wood" by the
Mighty Bosstones.

RHIANNON (CONT'D)
Yeah, I'd totally fuck Woodchuck Todd.

OLIVE
God, I want a boyfriend.

They both get lost in thought. Olive pops out of her trance and
shakes herself off. She jumps up and yells in an ironically
huge sign of school spirit--
OLIVE
Yay, our school! Go our school!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Olive loads books into her locker.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, of course, immediately I knew that
the little white lie I told to my then-
best-friend in the ladies room would
come back to bite me on the ass.
However, even I, who my fourth grade
teacher stated on my report card "has
an imagination that should be quickly
expunged," had no idea how quickly
this article of fiction would spread.
14.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
So, now we move on to Part Two:

She holds up a paper with the title written on--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Accelerated Velocity of
Terminological Inexactitude.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen","Drama"]

Summary Marianne tries to rally students for a cause while the lackluster mascot Todd, dressed as a woodchuck, fails to impress. Olive and her friend Rhiannon bond over their disinterest in school spirit and share fantasies about Todd. Olive eventually confesses her lie about knowing Todd's secret to her best friend, potentially causing strain in their relationship.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Limited emotional impact
Minimal character growth

Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Marianne trying to get students to sign up for her cause to the mascot performing poorly in front of the crowd, which may confuse the audience.
The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and lacks natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The humor in the scene, particularly the jokes about school spirit and Republicans, may come across as insensitive or offensive to some viewers.
The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, with Olive and Rhiannon's conversation meandering without driving the plot forward.
The visual elements, such as the mascot's performance and the interactions between characters, could be more engaging and visually dynamic to enhance the scene.

Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer narrative arc and purpose, focusing on advancing the plot or developing the characters.
Work on improving the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, ensuring that the humor is appropriate and resonates with the audience.
Introduce more visual elements or actions that enhance the storytelling and create a visually interesting scene for the audience.
Ensure smooth transitions between different elements of the scene to maintain coherence and keep the audience engaged.
Consider revising the interactions between characters to make them more authentic and relatable, allowing the audience to connect with the story and characters.

Scene 6 - Judged and Uncomfortable

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Olive looks up and sees a few kids whispering and looking at
her. Then one of them peels off and tells another group
something as one girl in the first group gets out her cellphone
and starts texting away. The CAMERA goes into HYPERDRIVE and
zooms around the hallway at the speed of rumor. Every one stays
in real time as the camera goes in FAST MOTION and delivers the
gossip, darting down the hallway, up the stairs, down another
hallway, out a window, down to the parking lot, across to the
football field, through the locker rooms, out another door,
around the back of the school, through the cafeteria, into a few
classrooms, down the stairs, and back through the hallway. It
lands back on a perfectly still Olive. We RESUME real motion.
Marianne and Nina walk over to Olive.

MARIANNE
Maybe next time a certain someone will
be a little more careful what she says
in the water closet.

OLIVE
Listen, about that. It's not what you
think. Can I speak to you alone?
Nina gives Marianne an "is it okay?" Look. Marianne responds
with "it's fine." Then Nina pats her heart and kisses her hand.
Marianne returns the super queer gesture. She turns back to
Olive who looks confused by this display of queerness.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
What you heard in the bathroom, that
wasn't true. It's actually a funny
story. Have you ever watched "The
"Brady Bunch?"

MARIANNE
Olive. That's your name, right?

OLIVE
Yeah, and you're Marianne. We've been
in nine classes together since
kindergarten.
(MORE)
15.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Ten if you count Religion of Other
Cultures. Which you didn't because
you called it "Science Fiction" and
refused to go.

MARIANNE
I'm not the one you have to answer to
for your depraved behavior. There is
a higher power who will judge you for
your indecency.

OLIVE
Tom Cruise?

MARIANNE
I hope for your sake, God has a sense
of humor.

OLIVE
Oh, I have seventeen years worth of
anecdotal proof that He does.

Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of
guys, who are looking at Olive, intrigued. Olive is not happy
about this.

MARIANNE
You've made your bed. I just hope for
your sake, you cleaned the sheets.

She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.

OLIVE
Did I just get saved?

She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.
GUY IN HALL
Hey, Olive. How's it going?

OLIVE
I'm swell, guy-I've-never-talked-to-
before. Thanks for asking.

OLIVE (V.O.)
All I could think to myself was, great
now I'm a slut. I'm going to have to
get a lower back tattoo and pierce
something not on my face.

Battling her frustration, she shoves the doors open and heads
outside.
16.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen","Drama"]

Summary Olive faces judgment from Marianne and Nina over a rumor. Despite trying to explain herself, Marianne harshly criticizes her. The situation escalates when guys approach Olive, leaving her feeling uncomfortable with their attention.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Some cliched moments
Slightly predictable interactions

Critique

The scene starts with a visually dynamic and creative sequence of the rumor spreading through the school, which is engaging and sets the tone well.
The dialogue between Olive and Marianne is witty and sarcastic, adding depth to their interaction.
The introduction of the religious judgment from Marianne adds an interesting layer to the scene, but the resolution feels a bit abrupt.
Olive's internal monologue about feeling judged and labeled as a 'slut' is relatable and adds depth to her character.
The scene effectively conveys Olive's frustration and discomfort with the newfound attention from the guys in the hallway.

Suggestions

Consider expanding on the resolution between Olive and Marianne to add more closure to their interaction.
Explore Olive's emotional response to being labeled and judged further to deepen her character development.
Add more visual cues or reactions from Olive to emphasize her feelings of discomfort and frustration with the situation.
Consider incorporating more subtext or layers to the dialogue to enhance the complexity of the characters' interactions.
Ensure the pacing of the scene remains consistent to maintain the audience's engagement throughout.

Scene 7 - Family Dinner

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. OLIVE'S HOUSE DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Olive eats dinner with her family. Father Dill, mother
Rosemary, and Olive's African-American sister, Ginger (10).

OLIVE
Hey, you guys know that I was here all
weekend, right?

They all ad-lib yes.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
And you would testify to that?

DILL
Hell, yeah. We'd take a bullet for
you, honey. Right between the eyes.

OLIVE
That's not necessary. But it is
comforting.

GINGER
(to Olive)
I like your top.

OLIVE
It's Costco. You can have it when you
fill out.

GINGER
I'm never gonna fill out.

ROSEMARY
Of course you will, baby. I didn't
until I was fourteen. Nor did Olive.
GINGER
But I'm adopted.

DILL
(slams his hand down in
mock shock)
Huh! Who told you?! We were waiting
for the right time!
(to Rosemary)
Did you tell her? We discussed this.
We had a timetable! We read all the
books, we were gonna do it right,
lessen the shock!

Ginger rolls her eyes.
17.

ROSEMARY
The timing of pubescence is nurture
not nature, sweety. They've done
studies.

GINGER
Who would study that?

DILL
Every nerd scientist in the world.

ROSEMARY
(to Olive)
What's going on, honey? Why do you
need us to take a bullet if anyone
asks if you were here all weekend?

OLIVE
It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.

ROSEMARY
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days.

OLIVE
It's nothing.

DILL
Don't forget your brother's staying
here next weekend.

OLIVE
Why? He never comes home.

ROSEMARY
They're fumigating the dorms. And
thank god for that. Last time I was
there I saw three cockroaches.

GINGER
Mom, don't say that word while I'm
eating!

ROSEMARY
Sorry. Roaches.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Like most families, mine has a deep
dark secret. And since I'm spilling
all this dirt, I might as well go
ahead and confess it. Okay, here
goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
mother's name is Rosemary. They were
so amused by this they decided to name
all their children after edible items.
(MORE)
18.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My brother's name is Kale and my
sister's name is Ginger. The
Penderghasts are a veritable pantry.

Rosemary serves more food to everyone and they continue eating
and laughing. It's clear they really enjoy each other.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I know it's weird, but at least they
didn't give us douchy hipster names
like Bronx or Jezebel or Roman. I
swear, you yell "Roman" in a
playground these days, ten little
rugrats look up at their unimaginative
parents reading Us Weekly.

They all burst out laughing at something. Rosemary leans over
and kisses Dill. Olive and Ginger get up from the table and
start clearing the dishes.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Anyway, back to the story.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLS - DAY

As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally
different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are checking
her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully. She's kind of
digging it.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Remember how I told you Google Earth
couldn't find me if I was a ten story
building? Well, the next day it
could've found me if I was dressed as
a needle at a haystack convention.
More guys come up to her and give the "you're hot" nod.

OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I was now the center of attention and
it felt pretty damn good. If I'd
known losing my virginity would've
created such a new awesome persona for
myself, I'd have lied about it back in
eighth grade. Eighth grade sucked.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - SEVERAL YEARS AGO - NIGHT

Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Green Day.

A preteen party in full force is visible through the windows.
19.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

12-14 year-old kids are lounging around everywhere. One group
plays pass-the-orange-under-your-neck. Another plays spin-the-
bottle.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I did get my first kiss back then,
however. It was gross and kind of
turned me off to the whole my-tongue-
in-other-people's-mouths thing. Not
to mention the even-worse other-
people's-tongues-in-my-mouth thing.
Seriously, who invented kissing and
why do people want to do it so much?
It's not like that's how we procreate.
Back then I didn't know that of
course.

WE PUSH through some kids assembled outside a closet, giggling.
We push past them and through the keyhole to--

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive, her parents, and her adopted sister Ginger have a lighthearted dinner filled with family banter. They discuss puberty, family secrets, and Olive's unique family naming tradition. The scene transitions to Olive walking through school, experiencing newfound attention due to rumors.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Quirky family dynamics
Character development

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Low overall stakes

Critique

The scene in Olive's house dining room provides some insight into her family dynamic and naming tradition, but it feels disconnected from the previous scenes and the overall narrative.
The transition from Olive's family dinner to her walking through the high school halls is abrupt and lacks a smooth transition.
The sudden shift in Olive's reception at school, from being unnoticed to suddenly being the center of attention, feels unrealistic and lacks proper development.
The flashback to Olive's preteen party and first kiss adds some background information, but the connection to the present-day events is not clear.
The voiceover narration by Olive adds some humor and insight, but it can be excessive and distracting at times.

Suggestions

Consider integrating Olive's family dinner scene more seamlessly with the previous scenes to maintain continuity.
Provide a smoother transition between Olive's family dinner and her experience at school to improve the flow of the narrative.
Develop Olive's transformation at school more gradually to make it feel more believable and grounded in the story.
Clarify the relevance of the flashback to Olive's preteen party and first kiss by connecting it more directly to her current experiences.
Use voiceover narration more sparingly and strategically to enhance the storytelling without overwhelming the scene.

Scene 8 - Closet Confessions

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

In almost complete darkness, a very nervous eighth grade Olive
sits with a scared shitless eighth grade kid. You can hear
other kids snickering and whispering outside the door.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
I think this is the part where you're
supposed to stick your tongue in my
mouth. It's just what I've heard.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Just give me a second, okay?

Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
According to my watch, you have 382 of
them.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
How do you do that?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
What?

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Add so fast. And you also talk like a
grown up.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Don't worry. I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
20.

The kid giggles. He feels a little more at ease.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
I think it's just practice. For when
I do grow up. Plus, don't sweat it.
Girls mature faster than boys.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
That's what they say.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
And it's probably the reason I'm ready
to do this and you're not.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Is it that obvious?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Painfully so.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
So, if we didn't do anything, would
you tell everybody?

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Absolutely. I will tell everyone you
pussed out and the whole school will
make fun of you and you'll most likely
spend the rest of your teen years as a
joke. No, even worse: a cautionary
tale.

They both laugh.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
Girl.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
They'll tell it for years. It'll be a
suburban legend.

The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Thanks, Olive.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Don't mention it.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
No. You don't mention it.

She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they swear
on it.
21.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
We still have five minutes and thirty
six seconds.

There's a long silence.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
I'm really interested in politics.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Oh yeah?

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Totally.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
What do you think about Alberto
Gonzales as the new Attorney General?
I have my doubts, but anything's
better than that bible-banger
Ashcroft, right?

EIGHTH GRADE KID
(thrown)
I'm more into, uh, school politics.
Like, uh, trying to get the cafeteria
to bring back Klondike Bar-Fridays.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Oh. Cool. That's also important.

There's another long silence. Then--

PRETEEN KID (O.S.)
Ew! Hunter Nesbitt just puked on the
piano!
The kid looks through the keyhole and sees everyone scurry away.

EIGHTH GRADE KID
Thank God.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Hey, we're in junior high. Vomit-
viewing always trumps spit-swapping.

The kid opens the door but Olive stops him.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Real fast, and you can tell me the
truth, It's not because I'm--

EIGHTH GRADE KID
(smiles)
No. You're very pretty.
22.

EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
I was going to say "eccentric," but
I'll take it.

He kisses her on the cheek and darts from the closet. Olive
sits there for a moment, contemplating what just happened,
wondering if he was telling the truth. Then she opens the door.
Just then a boy runs past holding out a cell phone--

BOY
Hunter Nesbitt booted on the piano!
I'm gonna get it up on YouTube!

Olive aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the closet. She
thrusts her tongue into his mouth and they make out.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY - DAY

Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and the
task at hand.

OLIVE
(into webcam)
If I'd known Woodchuck Todd was going
to turn out so hot, I probably would
have cherished the moment more. I
suppose the fact that I'm sitting here
reminiscing about it means that it
must have meant something.
(beat)
So anyway: kissing's not really my
thing. That's what I learned in the
closet at the forever to be called
Hunter-Nesbitt-Puked-on-the-Piano
Party. It's up on YouTube if you have
any interest. I digress...

Genres: ["Comedy","Coming-of-age"]

Summary In this scene, Olive and a nervous eighth grade kid hide in a closet during a party. They engage in witty banter about kissing, maturity, and politics, eventually sharing a kiss. Olive then pulls another boy into the closet to make out, leaving the eighth grade kid feeling awkward. The scene ends with Olive reflecting on the kiss and hinting at her growing feelings.

Strengths

Authentic dialogue
Humorous moments
Character development

Weaknesses

Low conflict level
Limited emotional depth

Critique

The scene starts off with a tense and uncomfortable situation in the closet, but quickly transitions to a more light-hearted and humorous interaction between Olive and the eighth grade kid. This sudden shift in tone can be jarring for the audience and may not feel authentic.
The dialogue between Olive and the eighth grade kid feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially considering their age and the context of the scene. It's important to ensure that the dialogue is age-appropriate and realistic for the characters.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, particularly in Olive's contemplation after the kiss. There is an opportunity to explore Olive's feelings and thoughts more deeply to add layers to her character and the scene.
The transition from the closet scene to Olive speaking into the webcam in her bedroom feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be beneficial to smooth out this transition to create a more cohesive flow between the two moments.
The use of humor and sarcasm in Olive's dialogue can be effective, but it's important to balance it with moments of sincerity and vulnerability to create a more well-rounded character and scene.

Suggestions

Consider maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure that the emotional beats feel authentic and resonate with the audience.
Focus on developing more natural and age-appropriate dialogue for Olive and the eighth grade kid to enhance the realism of their interaction.
Explore Olive's internal thoughts and emotions more deeply after the kiss to add complexity and depth to the scene.
Work on creating a smoother transition between the closet scene and Olive's monologue in her bedroom to improve the overall flow of the scene.
Balance the humor and sarcasm in Olive's dialogue with moments of sincerity and vulnerability to create a more nuanced portrayal of her character.

Scene 9 - Olive's Literary Daydream

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher Mr.
Griffin lectures on Nathaniel Hawthorne. The blackboard is
filled with everything "The Scarlet Letter." The other kids are
more interested in staring at Olive. Some even pass her notes.
Which she demurely accepts.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass
'cause everyone thinks I've been
deflowered. I was surprised at how
empowered I felt by this lie. I
wondered if I would feel this
invigorated if I'd actually let some
college kid defile me in his cockroach-
infested dorm room? Probably not.
23.

MR. GRIFFIN
If Nathaniel Hawthorne were alive
today I bet he'd be a white rapper:
Stealing trends and ideas from other
more talented but less legitimate
people, then putting it forth in a non-
threatening more established package--
(raps)
Adultery, vengeance, forbidden actions
of passion. Society judging don't
never go out of fashion. Put an 'A'
on your sweater 'cause you're a
married-man go-getter!
(beat boxes)

OLIVE (V.O.)
Ironically, as you can see by Mr.
Griffin's misguided attempt to
"relate," we were studying "The
Scarlet Letter." Isn't that always
the way with these teenage tales? The
books you read in class always seems
to have a strong connection with
whatever angsty adolescent drama is
going on. I consider this. Then I
think: Except for "Huckleberry Finn."
I don't know any teenage boys who've
ever run away with a big, hulking
black guy.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY - DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Maybe it's because we were reading
this book that I did what I did.
Thank God we weren't reading "The
Crucible." I might've gotten involved
in witchcraft and been stoned by my
classmates. Anyway, for those of you
who haven't read "The Scarlet Letter"
and those of you who said you have but
really didn't, here's all you need to
know. Footage courtesy of Demi Moore
and Buena Vista Pictures Distribution.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE CHURCH - DAY

Scene of 1995 version of "The Scarlet Letter." Demi Moore as
Hester Prynne stands in the stocks as the townsfolk jeer. She
has a red "A" stitched to her coat.
24.

OLIVE (V.O.)
This girl named Hester Prynne has an
affair with a minister, is besmirched
and made to wear a red 'A' for
adulterer. But then the town realizes
she was too harshly judged, that she's
a really good person, and she dies a
saint.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
A whole bunch of other stuff happens,
too. If you have a test on it don't
rent the movie, it's "freely adapted"
which means it's got nothing to do
with the book. Just do the right
thing and Wikipedia it.

INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Back in the classroom, Mr. Griffin ends his rap.

MR. GRIFFIN
P to the E to the N to the I to the
Tence. Penitence! No wonder Hester
Prynne rhymes with sin. Holler!

Looks around the room.

MR. GRIFFIN
Alright, so thoughts on the chapter
you read last night?

Nothing. Mr. Griffin notices someone texting in class. He
takes the cell phone and turns it off.
MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
Do you know what George Bernard Shaw
said about learning?

TEXTING STUDENT
Uh... No.

MR. GRIFFIN
If you have an apple and I have an
apple and we exchange these apples
then you and I will still each have
one apple. But if you have an idea
and I have an idea and we exchange
these ideas, then each of us will have
two ideas.
25.

TEXTING STUDENT
Uh... Okay?

He turns the phone off and hands it back to the student.

MR. GRIFFIN
Keep your apples, man. Let's exchange
ideas. Semi colon closed parenthesis.

Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.

NINA
I think Hester Prynne was, excuse my
language, a whore.

MR. GRIFFIN
You don't see her as a victim?

NINA
Why should I? She brought it on
herself.

Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.

OLIVE
Excuse me?

NINA
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe?

OLIVE
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you
twat!

The class bursts into laughter. Even Mr. Griffin tries hard to
suppress a congratulatory glance in her direction.
OLIVE
Admittedly, not my best line. But it
was provocative enough to land me in
the principal's office.

Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts
writing something on a piece of paper.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary During an English lesson on "The Scarlet Letter," Olive's mind wanders while her classmates admire her. Mr. Griffin's unconventional rap about the novel sparks her own reflections on teenage angst and societal expectations. When Nina accuses her of immorality, Olive's witty retort lands her in trouble, highlighting the conflict between perception and reality.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Humorous tone
Character development

Weaknesses

Limited emotional impact
Moderate conflict level

Critique

The scene transitions smoothly between Olive's daydream in class, her reflection in her bedroom, and a clip from the movie 'The Scarlet Letter.' This helps to provide context and engage the audience in Olive's thoughts and experiences.
The use of voice-over narration by Olive adds depth to her character and allows the audience to understand her inner thoughts and feelings.
The classroom setting and Mr. Griffin's quirky teaching style add humor and interest to the scene, making it more engaging for the audience.
The dialogue between Nina and Olive introduces conflict and tension, which is essential for driving the story forward and creating dynamic interactions between characters.
Olive's witty comeback to Nina's insult adds humor and showcases her quick thinking, but the insult 'twat' may come across as too harsh for a high school setting.

Suggestions

Consider toning down the insult used by Olive in response to Nina's comment to maintain a more appropriate tone for a high school classroom setting.
Explore ways to further develop the conflict between Olive and Nina to create more tension and drama in the scene.
Ensure that the transition between different settings and time frames remains clear and seamless for the audience to follow Olive's narrative effectively.
Consider incorporating more visual elements or actions to enhance the visual storytelling and keep the audience visually engaged throughout the scene.
Continue to use Olive's voice-over narration effectively to provide insight into her character's thoughts and emotions, but be mindful of balancing narration with on-screen action.

Scene 10 - Olive's Detention

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. FRONT OFFICE - HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the principal's
office. She clenches a note in her fist. Marianne, who's an
office aid, has a smirk on her face as she watches Olive squirm.
She slams her fist down on the stapler, repetitively.
26.

MARIANNE
Seems as if someone's on a downward
spiral.

OLIVE
Seems as if someone's practicing the
mundane activities she'll be saddled
with the rest of her pathetic life.

MARIANNE
You have a chip on your shoulder the
size of Canaan.

OLIVE
Is that big...or small? I'm sorry, I
don't watch cartoons.

MARIANNE
You're going to hell.

OLIVE
As long as you won't be there...

MARIANNE
Oh, I can assure you I won't.

Neither says anything for a few moments.

MARIANNE
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.

OLIVE
Why? Your parents didn't.

MARIANNE
You know, you're just like--
The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
continues her work. Two kids emerge. One, obviously, a bully;
the other, obviously, the bullied. The bullied kid is holding a
bloody tissue up to his nose. He and Olive exchange meaningful
glances. Principal Gibbons, a colossal prick disguised as a
man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and throws one
of Marianne and Nina's queer touching-your-heart gestures at
Marianne. Marianne scowls.

INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Olive is seated across from Principal Gibbons. He holds his
hand out and she gives him the note Mr. Griffin's note. Gibbons
studies it.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
I don't know you.
27.

She thrusts her hand out.

OLIVE
Olive Penderghast. Twelfth grade.
Cholesterol 185. But most of it's the
good kind.

He eyes her hand, not amused. She withdraws it in a hip-hop
snake move segueing into a robot.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Why are we just now meeting? Using
language like this should have
warranted a visit to me years ago.

OLIVE
Well, to be perfectly honest, I've
never used an epithet like this in an
educational arena before. Sir.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
This is foul.

OLIVE
In my defense, I think I meant to say
'twit.' It just came out more -
what's the word I'm looking for?
Veracious.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Someone with such an extensive
vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
such vituperations.

OLIVE
(smiling)
Touché.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Wipe that smile off your face. I
don't tolerate this kind of language.
If I find out you've used a word like
this in my school again, it will be
your last. This isn't one of those
creative-hippy schools where teachers
are called by their first names and
parents "help out in the classroom"
and students are "partners in
learning." You get sent here once
more and you're out on your ass. Get
me?

She starts to say something--
28.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)
Think very carefully before you speak.

She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.

OLIVE
I always do. Can I go?

He gestures to the door.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Detention tomorrow after school. I
don't want to see you again.

OLIVE
Not even in a more positive capacity?
Maybe I'll win a ribbon or a medal or
a Presidential Physical Fitness Award.
Do they still give those? Judging
from the deal you made with Jack in
the Box to pay for the new scoreboard
in the football stadium, I'm guessing
not. So what if kids get imprinted
and start eating a high-fat diet at a
young age, the important thing is we
all know how much time is left in the
fourth quarter and what yard line the
ball is on. Can I get a what-what?

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Get out of my office.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Olive sulks down the hall. She turns the corner and finds
herself stride for stride with Woodchuck Todd. He's wearing his
woodchuck suit, but without the head.
WOODCHUCK TODD
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
(re: his costume)
The illusion is shattered. This is
exactly why they put you in the gas
chamber if you take your head off at
Disneyworld.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Actually I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
Disneyworld is much more liberal.
29.

OLIVE
Oh, yeah. That's right. Disneyworld
went blue in the last election.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Are you going to Melanie Bostic's
party?

OLIVE
I hadn't planned on it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. Rehearsal dinner.

They've reached the end of the hall. Todd peels off.

WOODCHUCK TODD
See ya. Stay excellent.

OLIVE
(a bit thrown)
You, too.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive sits outside the principal's office, waiting to see Principal Gibbons. She is nervous and clenches a note in her fist. Marianne, an office aid, watches Olive and smirks. Olive and Marianne exchange barbs, with Olive insulting Marianne's intelligence and Marianne accusing Olive of being on a downward spiral. When Principal Gibbons' door opens, Olive enters his office. She gives him the note from Mr. Griffin, and Gibbons reads it. He is not amused by Olive's language and warns her that she will be expelled if she uses such language again. Olive tries to defend herself by saying that she meant to say 'twit' instead of the word she actually used. Gibbons is not amused and tells her to wipe the smile off her face. Olive stares him down and asks if she can go. Gibbons tells her to leave and that she will have detention the next day. Olive leaves the office and sulks down the hall. She meets Woodchuck Todd, who is wearing his woodchuck suit without the head. They talk briefly about Melanie Bostic's party and Woodchuck Todd's cousin's wedding. Olive says she is not planning to go to the party, and Woodchuck Todd says he is not either. They say goodbye, and Olive continues down the hall.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Humor
Character development

Weaknesses

Some may find the sarcasm and defiance off-putting

Critique

The dialogue between Olive and Marianne feels forced and lacks subtlety, coming across as overly confrontational and unrealistic.
The insults exchanged between Olive and Marianne seem out of character for Olive, who has shown wit and intelligence in previous scenes.
The interaction with Principal Gibbons feels cliched and lacks depth, relying on typical authority figure tropes.
The humor in the scene feels forced and falls flat, detracting from the overall tone and impact of the scene.
The transition from Olive's confrontation with Marianne to her interaction with Principal Gibbons feels abrupt and disjointed.

Suggestions

Consider toning down the confrontational dialogue between Olive and Marianne to make it more realistic and in line with Olive's character.
Focus on creating more nuanced and subtle insults that reflect Olive's intelligence and wit, rather than resorting to generic barbs.
Develop Principal Gibbons as a character beyond the typical stern authority figure archetype to add depth and complexity to the scene.
Work on integrating humor more organically into the scene to enhance the overall tone and make the dialogue feel more natural.
Smooth out the transition between Olive's interactions with Marianne and Principal Gibbons to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.

Scene 11 - Parking Lot Encounter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Olive opens the doors to find Rhiannon waiting for her. Rhi
runs up the stairs to her.

RHIANNON
Please tell me the rumors are true.

OLIVE
Yes, I'm a big fat whore.

RHIANNON
Not that one. The one where you got
suspended for calling Nina Howell a
cunt and then punching her in the left
tit.

OLIVE
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
(then)
There's something I need to tell you.

RHIANNON
Yeah. Like the exact moment you
turned into such a bad ass? I think
I'm in love with you. Please tell me
you at least left a mark on that
scrunched-up face of hers. Pow!
30.

OLIVE
Would you listen to me? It's not
true.

RHIANNON
It wasn't the left tit? Was it the
right one? I always pegged you for a
southpaw.
(shadow boxes)
Pow pow pow!

OLIVE
Rhi!

RHIANNON
"In this corner, the world
featherweight champion best friend of
the world... Olive Penderghast!"
(makes crowd noise)

OLIVE
(frustrated)
Never mind.

Rhiannon pulls out her car keys as they walk to her car.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want a car.

RHIANNON
It's my only perk. Trust me.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive and Rhiannon meet in the school parking lot, where Rhiannon confronts Olive about rumors of her suspension. Olive confirms she was suspended for punching Nina Howell, but corrects Rhiannon about which breast she hit. Olive tries to share something, but Rhiannon's excitement over the fight interrupts her. Frustrated, Olive gives up, but later asks Rhiannon for a car.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Limited physical action
Reliance on dialogue for exposition

Critique

The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and lacks depth. It relies heavily on crude humor and repetitive jokes about violence, which can come across as immature and insensitive.
The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to explore the complexity of the relationship between Olive and Rhiannon. Instead of meaningful conversation, the dialogue focuses on superficial banter and exaggerated reactions.
The humor in the scene feels forced and unrealistic, detracting from the authenticity of the characters and their interactions. The constant jokes about violence and insults may alienate some viewers and undermine the emotional impact of the scene.
The scene could benefit from more nuanced dialogue that delves into the characters' emotions and motivations. By exploring the underlying feelings of Olive and Rhiannon, the scene could become more engaging and relatable to the audience.
Overall, the scene lacks subtlety and depth, relying too heavily on exaggerated humor and crude jokes. By incorporating more authentic dialogue and emotional depth, the scene could become more compelling and impactful.

Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon to focus on their emotions and motivations, rather than relying on crude humor and exaggerated jokes.
Explore the complexity of Olive and Rhiannon's relationship by delving into their feelings and vulnerabilities. This can add depth and authenticity to their interactions.
Avoid using violence and insults as the primary source of humor in the scene. Instead, focus on creating genuine and relatable moments between the characters.
Add layers to the characters by showcasing their growth and development throughout the scene. This can make the audience more invested in their journey and relationships.
Consider incorporating more subtle and nuanced humor to enhance the comedic elements of the scene without sacrificing emotional depth.

Scene 12 - Olive's Inappropriate Language

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
family dinner.
OLIVE
I got sent to the principal today.

ROSEMARY
Did you win a medal or something?

OLIVE
Not exactly.

DILL
What happened?

OLIVE
I used inappropriate language in
English class.
(MORE)
31.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
But we're reading a book that I,
personally, deem wildly inappropriate
for my age group, so I felt that it
was actually quite apropos.

ROSEMARY
What did you say?

Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying the
word out loud.

OLIVE
Let's just say it was an inappropriate
word.

DILL
What did it start with?

OLIVE
A snide comment from a snotty girl in
my class.

DILL
I meant what letter did it start with.

OLIVE
Oh. T.

ROSEMARY
T? T. Let me think.

ROSEMARY/DILL
(trying to figure it out)
T. T. T? T. T. T. T. T? T. T.

DILL
Oh! No, that's a D.
ROSEMARY
Is this one of those new curse words?

DILL
Ooh! Was it--?

He leans over and whispers something in Olive's ear.

OLIVE
I don't even know what that means.

ROSEMARY
Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
32.

OLIVE
Noun. Definitely slang. Think
British, although they pronounce it
differently.

DILL
British. Is it shag? Bugger?

ROSEMARY
Yob? Frast? Nunt?

OLIVE
Now you're just saying sounds.

DILL
I'm stumped. Whisper it in my ear.

OLIVE
I can't. Too weird.

ROSEMARY
Ooh! Spell it with your peas!

DILL
Yeah, yeah! With your peas, your
peas!

OLIVE
I'll take that challenge.

She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.

DILL
Does this have anything to do with
this rumor you were talking about the
other night?
Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues to
manipulate her food.

DILL (CONT'D)
Is there something you want to tell
us, kiddo?

OLIVE
I'm spelling it out for you as quickly
as I can.

GINGER
(desperate for attention)
I got a B plus on my spelling test
today!
33.

ROSEMARY
Good, sweetheart. But everything has
spellcheck these days anyway.

DILL
Writing's a dying art. And you know
what I say to that? Die, art, die.
You've overstayed your welcome. Don't
let the door hit ya where the good
Lord split ya.

ROSEMARY
(re: peas)
I got it!

She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in
understanding.

GINGER
(off Olive's plate)
What's a twat?

Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.

DILL
It's a word that will get you sent to
the principal's office.

ROSEMARY
It's not a good word, honey.
(to Olive)
So, what was the principal like?

OLIVE
The male equivalent.

ROSEMARY
Of what?

Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods in
understanding.

DILL
Well, it's the first time since second
grade, so I guess we can't be too hard
on you.

OLIVE
(genuinely curious)
What would my punishment have been
otherwise?

DILL
I don't know. To bed without supper?
34.

OLIVE
I'm already finished. Except for my
helpful and profane peas.

ROSEMARY
(thinking)
Uhh... No makeup? No cell phone? No
dating?

OLIVE
I only wear chapstick, I already used
up all my anytime minutes, and as for
dating-- my complete lack of allure
already shot that horse in the face.

DILL
Fine. I'd take away your...

OLIVE
Magazines? Books? Computer?

ROSEMARY
Yes! Your computer! Nice!

OLIVE
All my homework's on there. Sorry,
you lose. But thanks for playing.

DILL
See? We're lucky this isn't a common
occurrence.

Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.

OLIVE
I think we all are. I wouldn't know
how to be grounded any more than you
know how to ground.

DILL
I love you.
(whispers)
And I'm sure that girl was acting like
exactly what you called her.

OLIVE
(whispers back)
You have no idea.

She kisses her mom on the cheek and retreats upstairs.

GINGER
How come you guys never get mad at
her?
35.

ROSEMARY
Because, pumpkin, of our three darling
children, we love her best.

She and Dill erupt in laughter.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.

Ginger is not amused.

DILL
We keep it fun around here don't we?

Genres: ["Comedy","Family"]

Summary Olive confesses to her family that she was sent to the principal's office for using inappropriate language in English class. She explains that the book they are reading contains language she finds inappropriate and that she made the comment in response to a rude classmate. The family tries to guess what word Olive used, and she spells it out in peas: "twat." Olive's father jokes about what her punishment would have been if this were a more regular occurrence, and Olive retorts that she would have found a way to get out of it. She leaves the table, and her parents express their love for her while acknowledging that they find her behavior amusing. Ginger expresses confusion that her parents are not mad at Olive, and Rosemary explains that they love Olive the most of their children.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Humorous banter
Authentic family dynamics

Weaknesses

Lack of deep emotional impact
Minimal character development

Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in tension.
The dialogue between Olive and her family members feels forced and unnatural, with the wordplay around the inappropriate word coming across as contrived.
The humor in the scene falls flat and feels forced, detracting from the overall impact of the conversation.
The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with too much emphasis on the wordplay and not enough on character development or plot progression.
The interactions between the family members feel superficial and lack depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.

Suggestions

Focus on establishing a clear central conflict or tension in the scene to drive the narrative forward.
Streamline the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, avoiding overly contrived wordplay.
Enhance the humor by incorporating more character-driven jokes and interactions that feel authentic to the family dynamic.
Increase the pacing of the scene by cutting unnecessary dialogue and focusing on key moments that move the story forward.
Deepen the relationships between the family members by exploring their dynamics and motivations in a more meaningful way.

Scene 13 - Artistic Banter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
The next day things took a turn for
the scandalous.
(holds up papers)
Which brings us to Part Three: A
Lady's Choice and a Gentleman's
Agreement.

She smiles slyly into her camera.

EXT. SIDE OF THE GYM - DAY

Olive paints over graffiti on the side of the gym. She's
dressed a little racier and is starting to look pretty hot. The
bullied kid, seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day
before, is painting alongside her. Both are bored to tears.

BULLIED KID
This isn't detention. It's community
service.
OLIVE
Principal Pap Smear thinks the
punishment should fit the crime.

BULLIED KID
Aren't there child labor laws about
this?

OLIVE
Not in high school. The principal is
like the captain of a ship in
international waters. He reigns
supreme. He can even marry people.

They continue to paint. Olive laughs to herself.
36.

BULLIED KID
What?

OLIVE
I was just thinking it's kind of
funny. We haven't really talked since
the great closet incident of eighth
grade.

BULLIED KID
I was afraid you were going to bring
that up.

OLIVE
So how have you been, Brandon?

BRANDON
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan. I want
to be in detention.

OLIVE
Yeah, why are you here? From the
amount of blood I saw gushing out your
nose I thought you were the bullied.

BRANDON
You'd think. But Gibbons is a
homophobe. Which is why I called him
a fascist.

OLIVE
So the rumors are true, huh?

BRANDON
Uh, have you ever met me?
OLIVE
I kind of guessed it that night in the
closet. I remember thinking to
myself, "this isn't the first time
this kid's going to go bursting out of
the closet."

BRANDON
Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.

EXT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - A LITTLE LATER

They continue to paint over graffiti.

BRANDON
So, what's with your new look? It's
very whore couture.
37.

OLIVE
(proudly)
Haven't you heard? I'm the new school
slut!

BRANDON
You know I did hear something. I also
heard he was twice your age.

OLIVE
No way. He's a freshman in college.

BRANDON
Also heard he gave you crabs.

OLIVE
Ewwww. People suck.

BRANDON
Tell me about it.
(then)
I didn't even think crabs existed any
more. I thought it was like rickets
or scurvy.

OLIVE
Oh, it still exists. Nothing can wipe
out crabs. It's like the Cadillac of
sexually transmitted diseases. You
know, before the American automobile
industry went bust.

BRANDON
(laughs)
You speak in tongues, you know that?

OLIVE
I'm just trying to make it through the
day.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Olive and Brandon, while painting over graffiti for community service, engage in witty banter and discuss rumors about Olive's new reputation. They also humorously reference Brandon's prior conflict with Principal Pap Smear.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Low emotional impact
Mild conflict

Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it meanders between Olive and Brandon painting over graffiti and engaging in banter.
The dialogue between Olive and Brandon feels forced and unnatural, with excessive use of sarcasm and attempts at humor that fall flat.
The humor in the scene relies heavily on sexual innuendos and crude jokes, which may come across as juvenile and insensitive.
The character interactions feel superficial and lack depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with or care about the characters.
The scene fails to advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way, resulting in a lack of narrative progression.

Suggestions

Focus on establishing a clear purpose for the scene that aligns with the overall story arc and character development.
Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging, avoiding excessive sarcasm and crude humor.
Explore more nuanced and meaningful interactions between Olive and Brandon to deepen their relationship and reveal more about their personalities.
Consider incorporating elements that contribute to the overall themes and messages of the screenplay, rather than relying solely on superficial banter.
Ensure that each scene contributes to the overall narrative progression and character growth, avoiding unnecessary filler or distractions.

Scene 14 - The Nature of Fitting In

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. BOYS BATHROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Olive and Brandon are in adjoining stalls sitting on the
toilets, scrubbing away graffiti.

OLIVE
He's not real. The guy I slept with.
I made him up.

BRANDON
Wait. You started the rumor?

OLIVE
Indirectly. Sort of. Well, not
really. No. No, I didn't.
38.

BRANDON
But you're perpetuating it. That's so
fucked up.

OLIVE
Excuse me?

BRANDON
You're not even a real slut, you just
want people to think you are.
Pathetic.

OLIVE
No offense, Brando, but maybe you
could learn something from me.

BRANDON
You're saying I should act straight,
so people will like me? You mean in
high school people pretend to be
something they're not so they can fit
in? Ground breaking! You should
teach a course at the Learning Annex.
"The Painfully Obvious with Olive
Penderghast, the fake school slut."

Olive emerges from the stall with a bucket of paint and a brush.
She goes to the sink and dumps it, checking herself out in the
mirror as she does.

OLIVE
I'm just suggesting that maybe these
kids we call peers have got the right
idea. Maybe Bridget Schumacher isn't
as hippy-dippy as she pretends to be.
Maybe that's just the label she's put
on herself to avoid having to shave
everywhere society deems normal. Or
take Marianne Bryant. Maybe the whole
stuck-up Jesus-freak thing is an act.
Maybe she was sick of being just
another faceless entity in a place and
a time that reveres people for
extremity?

Brandon emerges from his stall.

BRANDON
Nah, I think she's just a stuck-up
Jesus-freak.

OLIVE
Yeah, me too. But do you think she
cares that that's the way she's
perceived? No.
39.

BRANDON
There are some of us who just want to
blend in to the crowd.

OLIVE
Then you either gotta go to that
extreme or make the steadfast decision
not to care. Even better, do both.

BRANDON
I can't decide if you're a genius or a
lunatic.

OLIVE
Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?

They both look at themselves and each other in the mirror.
Brandon picks a piece of lint off Olive's lowcut top.

OLIVE
How am I doing? Do I look like a
whore?

BRANDON
For a virgin, pretty damn good.

He pulls down her t-shirt, exposing more cleavage.

BRANDON
How about me? Could I pass as
straight?

OLIVE
Not bad. For a fag.

She untucks his shirt and musses up his hair.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
You know, if we really wanted to shock
the world, we'd blow off detention.
Just leave now.

BRANDON
But you know we would never do that.

OLIVE
Isn't going to stop me from telling
everybody we did.

Genres: ["Teen Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive and Brandon debate the nature of fitting in. Olive argues that students at their school pretend to be someone they're not, while Brandon disagrees. Olive challenges Brandon's desire to blend in and suggests that he needs to do something extreme or decide not to care.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Character development
Exploration of themes

Weaknesses

Limited physical action
Some repetitive banter

Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as the conversation between Olive and Brandon seems to meander without a strong central conflict or resolution.
The dialogue between Olive and Brandon feels forced and unnatural at times, with overly dramatic and unrealistic exchanges that detract from the authenticity of the characters.
The scene relies heavily on exposition and explanation, with characters explicitly stating their motivations and thoughts rather than allowing these to be conveyed through actions and subtlety.
The dynamic between Olive and Brandon is unclear and inconsistent, with their interactions shifting abruptly from playful banter to serious accusations without a smooth transition.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to engage the audience or provide meaningful insights into the characters' inner struggles or growth.

Suggestions

Focus on establishing a clear conflict or tension between Olive and Brandon that drives the scene forward and creates a sense of urgency or stakes.
Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, allowing the characters' personalities to shine through in a way that feels genuine and relatable.
Show rather than tell - use actions, gestures, and subtext to convey the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships, avoiding heavy-handed exposition.
Develop a consistent tone and mood throughout the scene, ensuring that the shifts in dialogue and interactions feel organic and contribute to the overall narrative flow.
Consider adding layers of complexity and depth to the characters' interactions, exploring their vulnerabilities, insecurities, and growth in a more nuanced and compelling manner.

Scene 15 - Rumors and Misunderstandings

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - THAT AFTERNOON

They're taking in the view of the valley.
40.

RHIANNON
Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
Hodges that you lost your virginity to
three guys in a jacuzzi.

OLIVE
That sounds like a lot of work.

RHIANNON
Yeah, and there'd always be that
question as to which guy you actually
lost it to first. It'd be like a he-
said-he-said-he-said-she said.

OLIVE
I guess that's still better than me
getting crabs from some old dude.

RHIANNON
Ewww. Who said that?

OLIVE
You know that Brandon kid?

RHIANNON
From the closet at the Hunter-Nesbitt-
Puked-on-the-Piano Party?

OLIVE
The one and lonely. It's what
somebody told him.

RHIANNON
Nobody talks to him.

OLIVE
Isn't that sad? He's actually quite
the conversationalist.

RHIANNON
Isn't he a Homo?

OLIVE
Duh. What straight guy under the age
of eighteen is able to have a real
conversation without trying to jam his
hand up your business?

Olive's cell phone rings.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
(into cell)
Hello? Speak of the devil. I was
just talking about you with my friend
Rhiannon...
(MORE)
41.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
You know Rhiannon-- Perpetually
angry? Holier than thou? Bi-- Yeah,
exactly. That's her.

RHIANNON
Bi-? What's bi-?

Olive shushes her. Into cell--

OLIVE
Okay. Yeah. Sure. Alright, see you
soon.

She hangs up.

RHIANNON
What's bi-? Beautiful soul?
Bedazzling personality?

OLIVE
Big tits.

RHIANNON
(gasps)
That's my identifier? Fucking sweet!

OLIVE
That was Brandon. He wants to talk to
me about something.

RHIANNON
Probably wants to borrow an outfit.

OLIVE
So mean. Why do you gotta lash out?

RHIANNON
Any word from George?

OLIVE
I told you. It was a one night stand.
Which is now a done night stand.

RHIANNON
You're being pretty cavalier about
this. I mean, he popped your cherry.
Aren't you supposed to be eternally in
love with him and shit?

OLIVE
Yeah, if I was a character in a
ghostwritten teen novel developed
solely to cultivate a following in
order to sell the film rights.
(MORE)
42.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
But alas, I'm not a gossip girl with
traveling pants who goes to high
school in a sweet valley, so, no, I
really couldn't care less.

RHIANNON
Methinks you doth protest too much.

OLIVE
Whatever, big tits.

EXT. PENDERGHAST HOUSE - THAT NIGHT

Brandon walks up to the front door and rings the bell.

INT. PENDERGHAST'S HOUSE FOYER - MOMENTS LATER

Rosemary opens the door to find Brandon.

BRANDON
Hi. Is there an Olive here?

ROSEMARY
There's a whole jar of them in the
fridge.

BRANDON
Sorry, I must have gotten the address
wrong.

ROSEMARY
Just kidding! Come on in. Any friend
of Olive's is a friend of our
daughter's.

Brandon walks in thoroughly confused. Rosemary yells up--
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Olive, sweetie! There's a young man
here to see you. He said something
about asking for your hand in
marriage.

Brandon's eyes bulge as Olive descends the staircase.

OLIVE
Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
going to have to spend my dowry on
booze and pills to numb the
loneliness.

Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs.
43.

Genres: ["Teen Comedy","Coming of Age"]

Summary Olive and Rhiannon discuss rumors about Olive's sexual encounters, including losing her virginity and getting crabs. Olive receives a call from Brandon and plans to meet him. Brandon visits Olive's house and is jokingly mistaken for a suitor by Olive's mother. The scene is filled with humorous banter and misunderstandings, with Olive leading Brandon upstairs in response to her mother's mistaken assumption.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character dynamics
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Low stakes

Critique

The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and lacks authenticity. The conversation about rumors of Olive's sexual encounters comes across as unrealistic and exaggerated.
The humor in the scene feels forced and falls flat, particularly with the use of derogatory terms and stereotypes.
The interaction between Olive and Brandon at the end of the scene feels rushed and lacks depth. The transition from Olive's conversation with Rhiannon to Brandon's arrival at her house is abrupt and disjointed.
The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to explore the complexities of the characters' relationships and motivations.
The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and cliches, which detracts from the overall impact and authenticity of the dialogue.

Suggestions

Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon. Avoid relying on exaggerated rumors and derogatory language.
Explore the characters' emotions and motivations more deeply to add complexity and depth to the scene.
Consider revising the humor in the scene to make it more subtle and nuanced, avoiding stereotypes and cliches.
Work on creating a smoother transition between Olive's conversation with Rhiannon and Brandon's arrival at her house to improve the flow of the scene.
Ensure that the dialogue and interactions between characters feel genuine and true to their personalities, avoiding forced humor and unrealistic scenarios.

Scene 16 - The Pretend Girlfriend Proposal

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

She closes the door behind them and gestures for him to sit down
on the bed.

OLIVE
This is where the magic happens. And
as you well know, by "magic" I mean
"nothing."

BRANDON
(blurting out)
Do you wanna go out with me?

OLIVE
Say again now?

BRANDON
I mean, like, do you want to be my
girlfriend?

OLIVE
Brandon, just a few hours ago you told
me you were Kinsey Six gay.

BRANDON
True. But you said I should pretend
to be straight.

OLIVE
I didn't mean with me. You're a sweet
guy and all, but you're not really my
type.

BRANDON
You're not really my type either.
OLIVE
I know. I have that V where you'd
rather see a P.

BRANDON
Do you wanna have sex with me or not?

OLIVE
Oh my God. You totally missed my
point. All I was saying was that--

BRANDON
I know what you were saying. I should
play it straight until I get out of
this hellhole and then I can be
whoever I want to be. No, I got that.
44.

OLIVE
Brandon, I told you, I didn't really
have sex with a college guy. I just
told people I did.
(then)
Well, actually, I just told one person
and, well, you know how these things
work. Wildfire.

BRANDON
So, you're saying I shouldn't really
have sex? I should just say I had sex
with someone? A girl?

OLIVE
Now, you're cooking with gas.

It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's going
with this and instantly gets defensive.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
No. Really. No. No way. No. No.

BRANDON
Think about it. We can help each
other out. You want to maintain this
floozy facade, I don't want to get my
face pummeled in every day. It's win-
win-win-win.

OLIVE
You're on crack. And not the good
kind.

BRANDON
All it would take is one good
imaginary bonk and you'd be saving the
bone structure of my face. Think of
how happy my parents would be.

OLIVE
No. Absolutely not. And how do you
know I really like being thought of as
a floozy?

BRANDON
Because at least you're being thought
of.
(then)
Come on, it wouldn't have to be a
bonk. It could be an imaginary nutter
or a lemon squeeze or a cowbell...
Dealer's choice.
45.

OLIVE
I don't know what any of that means.

BRANDON
That's because you're a virgin.

OLIVE
No! No. This is not the answer. Why
don't you just do what I did and make
someone up?

BRANDON
Who would believe me?
(then)
I'll pay you. I can pay you whatever
you want.

OLIVE
I just don't think it would work.

BRANDON
Whores aren't discerning, Olive. And
just think: you'll officially be a
hooker with a heart of gold!

OLIVE
I don't want your money.

BRANDON
I insist.

OLIVE
So, if I say yes, you're going to tell
a couple of people at school and I
just have to go with it? I don't
think that's gonna work.
BRANDON
(voice cracking with
emotion)
I can make it work. I promise.
Olive, you don't understand how hard
it is. I'm tormented. Every day at
that high school is like I'm being
suffocated. And we can fantasize all
we want about how things are going to
be different one day, but this is
today. And it sucks. And there's
only one way out and you were smart
enough to think of it. Please. Help
me. I can't take another day of this.
I don't know what the fuck I'll do.

She sees tears forming in his eyes. She turns away and is
silent for a long beat.
46.

OLIVE
I don't do anything half-assed.
(spins to face him)
It'll have to be a public event.
Melanie Bostic is having a party
tomorrow night. All of your
tormentors will be there. You and I
are going together. You have to do
everything I say and you have to tell
people that I was sensational.

Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've ever
seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.

BRANDON
Thank you so much for doing this.

OLIVE
Just make sure you're ready to live
with the consequences.
(then)
What the hell's a lemon squeeze?

BRANDON
It's like a backwards melon bag.

OLIVE
Why don't I know any of this?

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
I'm sure you all remember the party...

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Romance"]

Summary Olive and Brandon discuss Brandon's request for Olive to pretend to be his girlfriend to help him navigate high school social pressures. After initial hesitation, Olive agrees to help him at a party the next night.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Humor mixed with emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Some potentially offensive language
Slightly predictable plot twists

Critique

The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in its dialogue, with characters directly stating their intentions and feelings instead of showing them through actions and subtext.
The dialogue feels forced and unrealistic at times, with characters speaking in a way that doesn't reflect natural conversation.
The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and cliches, such as the gay character pretending to be straight and the idea of a 'hooker with a heart of gold.' These tropes can come across as insensitive and outdated.
The emotional moment towards the end of the scene feels rushed and lacks proper build-up, making it less impactful and believable.
The scene could benefit from more character development and depth, allowing the audience to connect with the characters on a deeper level.
There is a lack of subtlety in the way the characters discuss sensitive topics like sexuality and identity, leading to a lack of authenticity in their interactions.

Suggestions

Focus on creating more natural and authentic dialogue that reflects how real people speak and interact.
Explore the characters' motivations and emotions in a more nuanced way, showing their inner conflicts and struggles through actions and subtext.
Avoid relying on stereotypes and cliches, instead, strive to create unique and multi-dimensional characters that defy expectations.
Build up the emotional moment towards the end of the scene by establishing a stronger emotional connection between the characters earlier on.
Consider adding layers to the characters' personalities and relationships to make them more relatable and engaging for the audience.
Tackle sensitive topics with care and sensitivity, ensuring that the dialogue and interactions feel respectful and authentic.

Scene 17 - Faking It at Melanie's Party

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

EXT. BACK OF A MELANIE BOSTIC'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Kids are partying everywhere. On the grass, by the pool, some
are even in the pool. We TRACK through the partiers and go
inside the open back doors--

INT. MELANIE BOSTIC'S HOUSE - NIGHT

More kids, more debauchery. Then Olive parts the sea like
Moses, looking like a million bucks. Brandon is on her arm,
looking pretty snazzy himself. They appear drunk and are
falling all over each other. People stare in complete amazement
at a) their appearance and b) that they're even together in the
first place. You'd never guess that this was anything less than
an A-list teen couple. Olive falls against Brandon laughing.
He hoists her up as their host, Melanie Bostic (18) approaches.
47.

MELANIE
Hey, Olive.
(weirded out)
And Brandon.

OLIVE
OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
party cocktails before the cocktail
party with cocktails started to
party...with cocktails.
(laughs)

MELANIE
Well, glad you could make it.

OLIVE
(slurring in her ear)
Soooo, here's the sitch: Brandon here
was in the middle of telling me this
funny thing. Is there a quiet room we
can go to where he can finish telling
me about his thing... that's funny...

She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.

BRANDON
(not good at this)
I'm drunk! With alcohol! What's up!

MELANIE
Sure. You can use the guest room.
Down the hall.

OLIVE
I love you. I love you so much. You
mean the world to me.
She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder. Then lifts up
her shirt and kisses her stomach. Then she spins around to the
entire party--

OLIVE
(shouts)
Hey, everybody! What's good in the
'hood?
(laughs)

BRANDON
I'm drunk! Fuck all y'all!

She grabs Brandon and they stumble down the hallway. The bully
who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon goes up to
Melanie.
48.

BULLY
Was that Olive with... Brandon?

MELANIE
I know, what the hell, right?

They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
Olive have just retreated to.

INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's completely
sober and so is Brandon.

OLIVE
(whispering)
Close the shades.

Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. Olive takes her
panties under her skirt.

BRANDON
Whoa! What are you doing?!

OLIVE
Relax. Jesus, what's with you gays?
Are you really that repulsed by lady
parts? What do you think, I have down
there, a gnome?

She drapes the panties over the doorknob, just so anyone looking
through the keyhole will see nothing but panties. Then she
plops down on the bed and stretches out.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
(pats the bed)
Chop chop.
Brandon lays beside her. She lets out an incredible moan. It's
very convincing. Then she whispers in his ear--

OLIVE
Now grunt. And make it convincing.

He does.

OLIVE
I said grunt, not whine.

He tries again.

OLIVE
Now make it manly.

He tries. It's anything but manly.
49.

OLIVE
You're pathetic.

She moans an extremely convincing moan.

OLIVE
I'm gonna have to do all the work
myself. Hey, this is like real sex.

BRANDON
How would you know?

She slaps him across the face. He lets out a yelp and she
quickly covers his mouth, turning it into a perfect grunt. She
gives him a thumbs-up. Then she moans.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at
the door, falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to the
door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the noise
inside. He tries to look through the keyhole. All he can see
are panties.

Genres: ["Teen Comedy","Romantic Comedy"]

Summary Olive and Brandon arrive at Melanie Bostic's party drunk, causing a scene. They retreat to a guest room where Olive reveals she was faking being drunk. To fool the eavesdropping party guests, Olive and Brandon pretend to have sex, with Olive even draping her panties over the doorknob. The scene ends with them successfully fooling the party guests with their fake sex act.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Engaging character interactions
Unique concept

Weaknesses

Lack of deep emotional impact
Limited character development

Critique

The scene starts off with a lot of chaos and debauchery, which can be overwhelming for the audience. It's important to establish the tone and atmosphere of the party in a more controlled manner.
The dialogue between Olive and Melanie feels forced and unnatural, especially with Olive's slurred speech. It's important to make the dialogue more authentic and believable.
The transition from Olive's drunken act to her sober demeanor in the guest room is quite abrupt and may be confusing for the audience. It's important to have a smoother transition to maintain continuity.
The scene relies heavily on shock value and crude humor, which may not resonate well with all viewers. It's important to balance humor with sensitivity and respect for the characters.
The portrayal of Brandon as a gay character and the stereotypes associated with it can be problematic. It's important to avoid reinforcing harmful stereotypes in the portrayal of LGBTQ+ characters.

Suggestions

Consider toning down the chaos and debauchery at the party to create a more controlled and realistic atmosphere.
Work on making the dialogue between characters more natural and authentic to enhance the believability of the scene.
Smooth out the transition between Olive's drunken act and her sober demeanor in the guest room to maintain continuity and clarity for the audience.
Focus on humor that is more nuanced and character-driven, rather than relying on shock value and crude humor.
Be mindful of the portrayal of LGBTQ+ characters and avoid reinforcing harmful stereotypes in their characterization.

Scene 18 - Faking It

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Olive continues to make sex noises. Brandon throws some grunts
in here and there. She gives him direction with her hands a la
a conductor as she continues moaning. They're actually having a
bit of fun. Then she reaches into her bag and pulls out her
copy of "The Scarlet Letter." Brandon looks perplexed. Then
Olive smacks his butt with it. He lets out another real yelp.

OLIVE
There we go. Now you're getting it.

BRANDON
You don't have to be so aggressive
about it.

OLIVE
(yells)
Oh, you don't like that?

BRANDON
(loud whisper)
No!

OLIVE
(smacks him on the butt)
How about that? You like that?

BRANDON
A little better.
50.

OLIVE
Yeah, you like that! Yeah you like
that!

BRANDON
(clicking in)
Oh! I get it. Nice.

Then she jumps up on the bed and does jumping jacks. She
motions for him to join her. They moan and grunt together as
they jump up and down. Olive starts aerobicizing and Brandon
follows. This is actually really fun.

BRANDON
How long do we have to do this?

OLIVE
Do you wanna be a normal adolescent or
do you wanna be a stud?

He moans in his deepest voice. She follows. Then she bangs her
hand against the wall over and over.

OLIVE
(loudly)
Don't stop fucking me, you scrawny but
well-endowed man-stallion! Yes!
That's it!
(whispering)
Now you try.

BRANDON
(loudly and nervously)
I'm gonna turn you over and take you
from behind!

OLIVE
(whispering)
Yeah, that's not gonna make people
think you're straight.

BRANDON
(loudly)
Never mind that gayness! I'm just
going to have sex with you from the
front!

Olive rolls her eyes.

OLIVE
C'mon. Make it nasty. Follow my
lead.
(loudly)
You're so big! I didn't even know
they came so big!
51.

BRANDON
(loudly)
Well they do! And I do! Oh yeah,
Olive. That's fuckin' awesome. Oh
yeah. Do you smell that? Do you
smell us?

She hits him hard on the arm.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

With their ears pressed against the door--

BULLY
Did he just say it smelled?

INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS

OLIVE
Ewwww!

BRANDON
Isn't it supposed to smell?

OLIVE
I don't know! But if it does, you're
not supposed to comment on it!

BRANDON
Sorry. I didn't know.

They continue to make moaning noises.

OLIVE
We probably don't want to do this for
too long. It'll give the impression
you're having difficulty finishing.
Not the desired effect.

BRANDON
Are you sure you're a virgin?

OLIVE
(whispering sternly)
Of course I am!
(loudly)
Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
fucking me!
(whispering)
You ready for the grand finale?

He gives her a quizzical look. But before he knows what's about
to happen, she punches him hard in the stomach and he lets out a
really loud and painful moan.
52.

OLIVE
Fuck yeah!

Olive dishevels herself and musses up his hair.

OLIVE
Go forth, my son. You're a man now.

BRANDON
(still in pain)
Thanks, Olive.

He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles. He gingerly removes
her panties from the doorknob and tosses them to her. Then he
exits the room.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The crowd scurries like cockroaches when the door opens. The
bully hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm around him.

BULLY
My man! How was she?

BRANDON
(not good at this)
Oh, she tore me up, dude.

BULLY
Huh?

BRANDON
(default)
I'm drunk! Fuck all y'all!

He leads him drunkenly down the hallway, with a crew of guys
after the dirty details. Olive looks at this and smiles,
satisfied. Then she looks up and sees a whole slew of girls
looking at her completely differently. They avoid her eye
contact, as one would ward off Medusa. She walks out to find
Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.

OLIVE
Is there a--?

MELANIE
Back entrance is through the kitchen.

OLIVE
Thanks.

She begins her walk of shame down the corridor. Guys look at
her like she's a god, girls like she's a whore. She turns a
corner into the--
53.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive and Brandon continue their fake sexual noises and actions in front of a group of people listening at the door. Olive gives Brandon directions and they engage in playful banter while pretending to have sex. The scene ends with Olive walking away feeling satisfied while Brandon pretends to be drunk and boasts about his encounter.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Humorous tone
Character dynamics

Weaknesses

Lack of deep emotional impact
Limited character development

Critique

The scene relies heavily on the comedic aspect of Olive and Brandon pretending to have sex, which may come across as juvenile and crass.
The dialogue and actions in the scene may be seen as unrealistic and exaggerated, potentially taking away from the authenticity of the characters and the story.
The scene may perpetuate harmful stereotypes about teenage behavior and relationships, as well as reinforce gender norms and expectations.
The humor in the scene may not land well with all audiences and could be perceived as offensive or inappropriate.
The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, focusing more on shock value and cheap laughs rather than character development or meaningful storytelling.

Suggestions

Consider toning down the exaggerated and unrealistic aspects of the scene to make it more relatable and authentic.
Focus on developing the characters' emotions and motivations to add depth and complexity to the scene.
Explore more nuanced and subtle forms of humor that do not rely on crude or offensive jokes.
Ensure that the scene aligns with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay to maintain consistency.
Consider revising the scene to add more substance and meaning to the story, rather than relying solely on shock value and humor.

Scene 19 - Awkward Encounter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

She runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of Woodchuck
Todd.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sorry.

Olive is a sick shade of regret.

WOODCHUCK TODD (CONT'D)
Oh, hey Olive.

OLIVE
I thought you were going to your
cousin's rehearsal dinner.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I did. It was a quick rehearsal. I
only had one line.
(then)
That was a joke.

OLIVE
I know.

WOODCHUCK TODD
How's it going?

OLIVE
I'm-- I'm here.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Can I get you a beer?

OLIVE
That rhymed.
Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys
throwing sex gestures to Todd re: Olive. She spins around and
they instantly pretend to not be paying attention. She glares
at them.

OLIVE
I should probably go.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You sure? They also have wine if
you're that kinda girl.

OLIVE
Maybe later. Thanks.

She rushes off.
54.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
It was truly my "Can't Buy Me Love"
Cindy Mancini moment.
(melodramatically
reenacts)
"All of you thought we were a couple.
What a joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
a thousand bucks to pretend I liked
him. What a deal, huh? A thousand
bucks to go out with him for a month.
This guy. Oh, God. He bought me.
And he bought all of you. He was sick
and tired of being a nobody. Yeah,
and he said that all of you guys would
worship him if we went out. And I
didn't believe that. I was, like, no
way! And he was right! Our little
plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? What
a bunch of followers you guys are. I
mean, at least I got... At least I got
paid."
(then)
"Can't Buy Me Love" is one of the best
movies ever made. Hands down. You
guys should totally watch it if you
haven't already. Or even if you have.
Seriously fine filmmaking. Available
on Netflix or from street pirates if
you don't believe in intellectual
property rights.

Genres: ["Teen Comedy","Coming-of-Age"]

Summary Olive runs into Woodchuck Todd in the kitchen where they interact awkwardly. Olive catches some guys making inappropriate gestures towards Todd and glares at them before rushing off. The scene then transitions to Olive in her bedroom talking to a webcam about a movie.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humor

Weaknesses

Low external conflict
Limited emotional impact

Critique

The interaction between Olive and Woodchuck Todd feels a bit forced and lacks depth. The dialogue is somewhat superficial and doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship.
The transition from Olive running into Todd in the kitchen to her talking to the webcam in her bedroom feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of continuity in the scene progression.
The scene in the kitchen with Todd could benefit from more meaningful interaction or subtext to add depth to their relationship or hint at underlying emotions.
The dialogue between Olive and Todd lacks subtlety and nuance, making their conversation feel flat and unengaging.
The visual element of Olive catching the guys making inappropriate gestures towards Todd could be more impactful if it was integrated into the dialogue or action in a more meaningful way.

Suggestions

Consider adding more subtext or underlying emotions to Olive and Todd's interaction to make it more engaging and reveal more about their characters.
Work on creating a smoother transition between the kitchen scene with Todd and Olive talking to the webcam in her bedroom to improve the flow of the scene.
Enhance the dialogue between Olive and Todd by adding depth, nuance, and subtlety to make their interaction more compelling and realistic.
Integrate the visual element of Olive catching the guys making inappropriate gestures towards Todd more seamlessly into the dialogue or action to enhance the impact of the scene.
Explore ways to add layers to the scene by incorporating subtext, character development, and emotional depth to make it more dynamic and engaging.

Scene 20 - Surprises and Laughter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY

Olive lays on her bed watching a movie on her laptop. It's the
scene from "Can't Buy Me Love" she just performed. She eats a
candy bar and wallows in her self-pity.

OLIVE
Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have been
a lot worse. Trust me.

Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.

ROSEMARY
That boy from the other night just
dropped this off for you.

She points to an empty space on the floor.

OLIVE
Put it on the pile of gifts from my
other suitors.
55.

ROSEMARY
He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a
little... incredibly gay.

OLIVE
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that boy
is.

Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.

ROSEMARY
I dated a homosexual in high school.

OLIVE
We're not dating, Mom.

ROSEMARY
I just wanted to tell you that if you
want to date a gay boy, your father
and I are totally supportive. We love
you no matter what the sexual
orientation of your opposite-sex sex
partner.

She kisses Olive on the cheek.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
And don't feel bad that you won't make
us grandparents. We still have
Ginger, and from the signs I'm picking
up, she'll be preggo before the PSATs.
Which is actually great 'cause then we
can get another shot at raising kids.
Really do it right this time.

OLIVE
Bye now.
ROSEMARY
I dated a homosexual once. For a long
time actually. A long time.

OLIVE
Please, dear God dear lord, tell me
you didn't marry him.

ROSEMARY
(laughs hysterically)
No! No. Your father is as straight
as they come. A little too straight
if you know what I mean.

OLIVE
I don't. Close the door, thanks?
56.

Rosemary laughs again and exits. Olive looks at the gift on the
floor and then opens it. It's a photo of the bully holding
Brandon's legs as he does a keg stand. Olive smiles. Then she
looks into the box and sees something that makes her gasp. It's
an envelope with a $200 Target Gift Card.

OLIVE
Cindy Mancini gets a thousand bucks.
I get a $200 Gift Card to Target and
a--

Confused, she pulls out a massive pink dildo.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
"Dear Olive, just in case you don't
shop at Target. Then you can go fuck
yourself."

Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely touched
by this gift. The phone rings with the theme from the "Brady
Bunch" ringtone. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it up.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Brandon, your package was perfection!

RHIANNON (O.S.)
So, it's true!

OLIVE
Rhi?

RHIANNON (O.S.)
Well, it's not last night's conquest!

INTERCUT:

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive watches a movie scene she performed, receives a gift from a boy, has a humorous conversation with her mom about sexual orientation, finds a $200 Target gift card and a pink dildo in the gift, and receives a call from Rhiannon. The scene is light-hearted and filled with jokes, with Olive and her mom playfully bantering about dating a gay boy and Olive's amusing reactions to the unexpected gifts she receives.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character dynamics
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Low conflict level
Limited character development

Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it jumps from Olive watching a movie to receiving a gift from a boy to a conversation with her mom about sexual orientation.
The dialogue between Olive and her mom feels forced and unnatural, with the topic of sexual orientation being handled in a superficial and comedic manner.
The humor in the scene, particularly regarding the gift and the conversation about sexual orientation, comes across as insensitive and inappropriate.
The transition from Olive receiving the gift to the phone call from Rhiannon feels abrupt and disjointed, leaving the scene feeling disconnected and disjointed.

Suggestions

Focus on a central theme or conflict to drive the scene forward, rather than jumping between unrelated topics.
Reconsider the dialogue between Olive and her mom to make it more authentic and sensitive, especially when discussing sexual orientation.
Ensure that the humor in the scene is tasteful and appropriate, avoiding jokes that may come across as offensive or insensitive.
Smooth out the transitions between different moments in the scene to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.

Scene 21 - Confrontation on Main Street

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. MAIN STREET SHOPS - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Tab, walks with an intensity
reserved for girls who just found out their best friend had her
sophomore sexual exploit and didn't bother to tell them.

RHIANNON
I have many questions, obviously.

OLIVE
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
No, I do not know the way to San Jose.
And contrary to popular belief, Panama
hats are not from Panama at all.
They're from Ecuador.

RHIANNON
Now is not the time to be cute.
57.

OLIVE
You're putting me in a precarious
position, because according to last
month's Cosmo, we should always look
cute. Even when we're doing mundane
activities like choosing vegetables
from the produce section or going to
the DMV.

RHIANNON
Olive, stop it. This is serious. Did
you really bang Brandon last night at
Melanie Dipshit's party? A party that
you told me you weren't going to go
to, so I didn't go and instead stayed
home with Mr. and Mrs. Kahlua and
Cream?

Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.

OLIVE
Is that what someone said happened?

RHIANNON
That's what everyone said happened.

OLIVE
Then I guess it's true.

RHIANNON
Does this mean you guys are dating?

OLIVE
God no.

Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of
passing shoppers.
RHIANNON
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go around
throwing your cat at everybody!

OLIVE
Thanks, Mom. Good talk.

RHIANNON
You're getting a reputation.

OLIVE
You know, you're really coming off a
little pious right now and you're kind
of pissing me off.
58.

RHIANNON
I'm sorry if I think a best friend's
duty is to let her know that everyone,
and I do mean everyone, is calling her
a cum dumpster.

OLIVE
Do you think I'm a cum dumpster?

RHIANNON
Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.

Olive jumps off her bed.

OLIVE
First off, that's racist or at the
very least not clever. Second, how
dare you? I was Laura Ingalls to your
Lady Chatterly and, now all of a
sudden, you feel the need to warn me
that I'm making a fool of myself?
Need I remind you that the "Beyond" in
Bed Bath & Beyond does not stand for
"sucking a guy off in front of every
single person on their way to buy
linens?" So, why don't you jump off
your high horse and splash around in
the gutter where you belong.

RHIANNON
I didn't want to believe it, but I
guess it's true. You're a fucktart.

OLIVE
And you're a jealous virgin.

RHIANNON
Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
virginity to one of your dumb
brother's dumb friends and then be the
first for a fairy, while everyone
listens outside! What is wrong with
you? Does sex mean anything to you?

OLIVE
Yes! It's a period of time, however
short, that I don't have to talk to
you!

She slams the phone shut and seethes.

Music: Modern cover of "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches.

She goes into her closet and starts wildly pulling down clothes.
She throws them into a big pile in the middle of her floor.
59.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
with her! Only wishes!

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Olive, visibly upset, is cutting something, meticulously, out of
red fabric. In fact, she has yards of red fabric draped across
her lap. When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her
and begins another one.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER

Quick cuts as Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When
she finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor. In
the middle of this the door opens. It's Dill.

DILL
Is everything okay up here? It sounds
like you're having sex. Which I know
can't be true due to you having a
homosexual boyfriend.

OLIVE
He's not my boyfriend!

DILL
Hey. God's children. No judgment.

OLIVE
Can you leave please?
Dill looks at his daughter.

DILL
You alright, buddy?

Olive looks up at her dad. It's a real moment. He really
cares. And she knows it. She takes a beat then nods.

OLIVE
Yeah.

DILL
Give 'em hell.

She smiles and he exits. Then she immediately goes back to
cutting and sewing.
60.

Music: "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells More
quick cuts as time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly
decreasing, until there are none left.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Rhiannon confronts Olive about rumors of her sleeping with Brandon, leading to a heated argument. Despite Olive's admission, she denies dating him. Rhiannon expresses concerns about Olive's reputation, but Olive retaliates by sewing red fabric onto her clothes, showcasing her defiance and unresolved conflict.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Conflict resolution

Weaknesses

Some repetitive dialogue
Lack of visual action

Critique

The dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon feels forced and unnatural, lacking in authenticity and depth.
The conflict between Olive and Rhiannon escalates too quickly and the insults exchanged feel exaggerated and unrealistic.
The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in addressing the sensitive topic of rumors and reputation.
The transition from the intense argument to Olive sewing red fabric onto her clothes feels abrupt and disjointed.
The character interactions and reactions seem exaggerated and melodramatic, detracting from the overall believability of the scene.

Suggestions

Focus on developing more realistic and nuanced dialogue between Olive and Rhiannon to convey their emotions and conflicts effectively.
Consider toning down the intensity of the argument and insults exchanged to make the scene more relatable and grounded.
Introduce more subtlety and depth in addressing the themes of rumors and reputation to add layers to the characters' motivations and actions.
Smooth out the transition between the argument and Olive sewing red fabric onto her clothes to create a more cohesive and logical progression of events.
Work on refining the character interactions and reactions to make them more authentic and believable, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Scene 22 - Olive's Provocative Display

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLS - DAY

Clad in sunglasses, do-me-boots and looking like a bona fide
porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school. Sewn
across her larger and pushed up breasts is a fiery red "A."
Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as looks
of total disbelief from the girls. She stops at one average-
looking kid who stares into her eyes. She points to her chest--

OLIVE
Hey, pal. My boobs are down here.

She moves the stunned kid. Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a
semi-attractive guy named Anson (17). She catches sight of
Olive and her jaw drops. Olive sidles up to Anson, much to
Rhiannon's chagrin.

OLIVE
Hey, Anson.

ANSON
Uh, hi.

OLIVE
(a la Marilyn Monroe)
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."

ANSON
Uh, what's an anagram?

OLIVE
Look it up, big boy.
She turns and licks her lips at Rhiannon. Rhiannon gives her
the dirtiest of looks.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
What's your problem?

RHIANNON
You want to know what my problem is?

OLIVE
No, it was a rhetorical question. I
don't want to know anything from you.

She turns on her heels and stomps off.
61.

RHIANNON
We are so not friends anymore! We are
officially over.

As she walks away--

OLIVE
I'll go put it on Twitter!

RHIANNON
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back! It
was too loose around your chest
anyway!

OLIVE
Ooh! Burn!

INT. CAFETERIA LUNCH LINE - LATER

Olive makes her way through the lunch line, as guys ogle her.
Marianne, who's also there, watches her in repugnance. Olive
eats some mashed potatoes off her tray super sexily.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive's provocative outfit and actions draw attention from students in the high school halls. She interacts with Anson and Rhiannon, leading to a confrontation that ends their friendship. The scene shifts to the cafeteria lunch line, where Olive continues to draw attention.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Strong character development for Olive
Creative concept

Weaknesses

Lack of deep emotional impact
Limited exploration of secondary characters

Critique

The scene portrays Olive in a provocative and attention-seeking manner, which may perpetuate negative stereotypes about women and their bodies.
The dialogue between Olive and Anson feels forced and lacks depth, relying on superficial flirtation and a failed attempt at humor.
The conflict between Olive and Rhiannon is predictable and lacks nuance, resorting to cliched insults and a dramatic breakup.
The scene reinforces the idea that female friendships are shallow and easily broken, without exploring the complexities of their relationship.
The visual of Olive eating mashed potatoes sexily perpetuates the objectification of women and reduces Olive to a sexualized caricature.

Suggestions

Consider portraying Olive in a more empowered and authentic way, moving away from the stereotypical 'sexy' persona.
Develop the dialogue between Olive and Anson to reflect more meaningful and genuine interaction, focusing on their personalities and interests.
Explore a more nuanced conflict between Olive and Rhiannon, delving into the complexities of their friendship and addressing underlying issues.
Avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes about female relationships and instead showcase the depth and strength of their bond.
Reconsider the visual elements to avoid objectifying Olive and instead highlight her character's complexity and depth.

Scene 23 - Uncomfortable Proposition

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive emerges from the girl's locker room building, dressed for
gym. She's sexed up her outfit by rolling up her sleeves and
shorts. Woodchuck Todd jogs over and runs in place.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Olive! You left your glass slipper at
the party the other night.

OLIVE
Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my
dress, too. C'est la vie.
WOODCHUCK TODD
La vie.

OLIVE
Nice.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sucked because we could've revisited
the closet.

OLIVE
Oh my God! That was at Melanie
Bostic's house! She throws a lot of
parties.
62.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Her parents are of the "we'd rather
you and your underage friends drink,
do drugs, and have unprotected sex
here" opinion.

OLIVE
How irresponsibly progressive of them.
(blushes)
I can't believe you remember that.

Jogging away, with a huge grin on his face--

WOODCHUCK TODD
Who doesn't remember their first
almost kiss?

Olive stands there, smitten. Just then a terrified fat kid
named Evan nervously approaches.

EVAN
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
Evan. What's rocking?

EVAN
Can I talk to you for a second?

He gestures for her to jog up the stairs with him, as the other
kids are doing. She does so.

EVAN (CONT'D)
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.

OLIVE
Well, rest assured, it was equally as
thrilling for me.
(purrs sexily)

EVAN
No, he told me the truth.

She's pissed. She silently seethes.

EVAN (CONT'D)
And I was just hoping that maybe you
could do the same for me?

OLIVE
Goodbye, Evan.

She runs past him.
63.

EVAN
Wait--

She raises her hand as she runs up the bleacher steps--

OLIVE
Goodbye, Evan.

EVAN
I can pay you, too.

She stops and turns back.

OLIVE
I'm about six seconds away from
slapping you so hard that your unborn
grandchildren will feel it.

EVAN
(excited)
Can you do it in front of everyone?

OLIVE
Fuck off.

Olive turns and sprints up the stairs.

EVAN
I don't need your permission, you
know!

She gives him a death stare. He can't look at her.

EVAN (CONT'D)
I mean at the rate you're going, I'm
just saying I don't think anyone would
not believe it.
OLIVE
Are you threatening me?

EVAN
I'll give you three hundred bucks.

OLIVE
You're repugnant.

EVAN
(re: his body)
Uh, duh. That's the problem.

He sits down and wipes his forehead, already sweating from the
few steps climbed.
64.

EVAN (CONT'D)
Just forget I asked.

Once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.

OLIVE
I want three hundred dollars in gift
card form deposited in my locker
before noon tomorrow. Preferably The
Gap but I'll also take Amazon.com or
OfficeMax. We did not have sex. I
was drunk and I let you fondle my
chest and it was a glorious moment for
you, unmatched by anything you've
heretofore experienced, including
cake. Got it?

EVAN
Three hundred bucks for second base?
Doesn't that seem a little steep? Can
you throw in some
(mispronouncing)
Frottage?

OLIVE
It's frottage, dumbass. At least
learn how to pronounce your
perversion.

EVAN
Whatever. You in?

OLIVE
Fine. But I better not hear that
little Mr. Happy ever came out of your
pants. Get me?
EVAN
Little? Nuh-uh. For three hundy, it
was ungodly huge. You called it the
"Dark Knight."

OLIVE
I was too drunk to remember.

He extends his hand.

EVAN
Deal.

She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.
65.

OLIVE
The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
been a gentleman and asked me out on a
date, I probably would have said yes.

EVAN
Really? Do you want to go on a date?

OLIVE
Not now I don't, shitdick.

She turns and jogs up the stairs. Evan watches her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Evan, if you're watching this: shame
on you. I hope you never treat
another girl the way you treated me or
you will die alone, wishing it was
because you're fat.

Genres: ["Teen Comedy","Coming-of-Age"]

Summary Olive encounters Woodchuck Todd at the football field, where they reminisce about a party. Evan approaches Olive and asks her to pretend they had a sexual encounter for money. Despite her discomfort, Olive reluctantly agrees to the deal to avoid further confrontation.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Engaging characters
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Lack of significant character development
Relatively low stakes

Critique

The scene starts with Olive and Woodchuck Todd having a casual and flirtatious interaction, which sets a light-hearted tone. However, the transition to Evan's proposition feels abrupt and out of place in the context of the scene. The shift from playful banter to Evan's inappropriate request lacks a smooth transition and disrupts the flow of the scene.
The dialogue between Olive and Evan, while intended to be humorous, comes off as forced and unrealistic. The exchange between them feels contrived and the humor falls flat, detracting from the overall impact of the scene.
The resolution of the conflict with Evan feels rushed and unsatisfying. Olive's decision to agree to the deal with Evan lacks depth and doesn't fully address the gravity of the situation. The scene could benefit from a more nuanced and thoughtful resolution to Evan's proposition.
The characterization of Evan as a desperate and disrespectful character is one-dimensional and lacks complexity. Developing Evan's character further to show his motivations or inner struggles could add depth to the scene and make his actions more believable.
The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in addressing the themes of peer pressure, consent, and self-respect. By exploring these themes with more depth and sensitivity, the scene could have a more impactful and meaningful message.

Suggestions

Consider revising the transition between Olive's interaction with Woodchuck Todd and Evan's proposition to create a more seamless flow in the scene.
Refine the dialogue between Olive and Evan to make it more natural and engaging, avoiding forced humor and unrealistic exchanges.
Explore a more nuanced and thoughtful resolution to Evan's proposition, allowing Olive to address the situation with more depth and complexity.
Develop Evan's character further to add depth and complexity, showing his motivations and inner struggles to make his actions more believable.
Enhance the exploration of themes such as peer pressure, consent, and self-respect with more subtlety and nuance to deliver a more impactful and meaningful message.

Scene 24 - Olive's Consequences and Desires

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
It should come as no surprise that the
fact I was soliciting fake-sex for
fake-money spread around the school
faster than, well, faster than the
first rumor about me spread.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Again, the camera goes into HYPERDRIVE. But even faster than
before. As everyone stays in real time the camera zooms past
Evan to a group of boys in the middle of the field. One boy
gets out his cellphone and starts texting away. The camera
drives into the locker room, out the back, across the parking
lot, into the school, down the halls, through the library, up
onto the roof, down onto the front steps, and back across the
football field to Olive who has just reached the top of the
steps. She turns for her descent to see everyone looking at
her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, whether I liked it or not, I was
open for business. And I had a lot of
customers. None of whom I'd text home
about. I know I was a fake prostitute
and all, but people suck. Not fake
suck. Really suck.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

A nerdy kid with socks up to his knees hands Olive an envelope.
She walks to the front of the box office line.
66.

OLIVE (V.O.)
While I appreciate the sentiment,
Lewis Tricolli, my pretend hand job
should have warranted a little more
than a hundred dollars worth of AMC
Movie Passes.

Over the following Olive orders a ticket to a movie, but the box
office attendant points to a sign that says "NO PASSES."

OLIVE (V.O.)
They had an expiration date and were
only able to be used for movies that
had been running for four weeks.

OLIVE
(annoyed)
Fine. One for Tyler Perry's Madea
Goes Through Menopause.

OLIVE (V.O.)
But even that's better than you, Zia
Chandresekhar.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive gets an envelope from a geeky Indian kid with severe acne.
She pulls out the coupon, pissed.

OLIVE
Seriously? Ten percent off Bath and
Body Works? A coupon? Is that how
good our imaginary tryst was to you?
I fake rocked your world!

ZIA
It's all I can afford.
OLIVE
How is that my problemo, amigo?

OLIVE (V.O.)
I knew he wasn't Latino, but for some
reason all these shady, backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.

ZIA
I might be able to offer you the use
of my father's Volvo.

OLIVE
Beat it, hessé.
67.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Is chivalry dead?

She holds up DVDs of the movies as she speaks--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want John Cusack holding a boombox
outside my window. I want to ride off
on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
And I want Judd Nelson walking across
the school parking lot thrusting his
hand into the air 'cause he knows he
got me. Just once I want my life to
be like a John Hughes movie. Sure
everything starts out a mess but it
always ends up great and hopeful and
awesome with a big scene where the
main character puts on a huge display
of out-of-character-ness in front of
the whole world and wins the day. But
no. John Hughes didn't direct my
life. So I get to save two fifty on a
bottle of Juniper Breeze Antibacteria
Gel.

She reaches over and grabs the bottle, squirts some into her
hands and massages them together.

OLIVE
Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's in
a coma and the prognosis isn't good.
(then)
So, if you're still with me, and I'm
hoping that most of you are, I now
present to you Part Four:
(holds up papers)
How I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
Wrecker.

Genres: ["Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Olive reflects on the consequences of her fake-sex scandal spreading around the school, receives unconventional 'payment' from her classmates, and expresses her desire for a John Hughes movie-like romance. She interacts with Lewis Tricolli, Zia Chandresekhar, and an unnamed box office attendant who offer her various forms of 'payment'. Olive presents her plan to change her reputation but ends the scene frustrated with the lack of chivalry in her life.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character development
Humorous tone

Weaknesses

Limited emotional depth
Some repetitive humor

Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Olive reflecting on the consequences of her fake-sex scandal to receiving unconventional 'payment' from her classmates, which may confuse the audience.
The hyperdrive camera movement description may be visually overwhelming and hard to follow for the audience, potentially taking away from the impact of the scene.
The dialogue and interactions with the nerdy kid and the geeky Indian kid at the movie theater and football field, respectively, feel forced and lack depth, making the scene less engaging.
Olive's monologue about wanting her life to be like a John Hughes movie comes across as cliched and disconnected from the rest of the scene, disrupting the flow.
The transition from Olive's humorous interactions with the kids to her serious reflection on chivalry and John Hughes movies feels disjointed and could be smoother.

Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to have a more cohesive flow from Olive reflecting on the consequences to her interactions with the kids and her monologue about John Hughes movies.
Simplify the camera movement description to make it more digestible for the audience and ensure it enhances the storytelling rather than detracting from it.
Develop the interactions with the nerdy kid and the geeky Indian kid to add depth and authenticity to the scene, making them more engaging for the audience.
Integrate Olive's reflection on chivalry and John Hughes movies more seamlessly into the scene to create a stronger connection with the overall narrative.
Focus on maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure that the shifts in humor and seriousness feel organic and contribute to the scene's impact.

Scene 25 - A Concerned Teacher and a Troubled Student

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY

Mr. Griffin is grading papers. Olive pokes her head in.

OLIVE
You wanted to see me?

MR. GRIFFIN
Yeah, Olive. Come squat a pop.
68.

She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the red "A" on
her chest.

MR. GRIFFIN
What are you doing?

OLIVE
Accessorizing?

MR. GRIFFIN
Come on, Olive. Don't you think maybe
you're reading a little too much into
this assignment?

OLIVE
Well, I'm really hoping to get an A.
(re: her chest)
Get it? Get it?

MR. GRIFFEN
I got it.
(then)
I'm hearing things, Olive.

OLIVE
(deep breath)
The rumors are true. I am, in fact,
considering becoming an
existentialist.

MR. GRIFFIN
You know what I'm talking about.

OLIVE
Geez, since when did teachers become
privy to idle, adolescent gossip?
MR. GRIFFEN
Since everyone puts everything up on
Facebook for the world to see. What's
with this need your generation has to
document every single thought that
ever enters your head? They're not
all gems, you know. "Roman is having
an okay day and hopes the ice cream
store still has rocky road." Who gives
a rat's ass?

OLIVE
Great social commentary. Really heady
stuff. Is that why you called me in?
You practicing to go on Carson?
69.

MR. GRIFFIN
I guess it wouldn't matter so much if
I didn't like you. You're a great
girl and I happen to think that all
of... this is just an act. I'm just
curious why you're doing it.

Olive drops her defenses and gets real.

OLIVE
Have you ever decided just to play
along? Because it's maybe easier than
fighting tooth-and-nail to defend it?

MR. GRIFFIN
I just don't want to see this...
damage you.

OLIVE
You know, I think you should give me
extra credit for going the extra mile.
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism Hawthorne
wrote about.

MR. GRIFFEN
You're one of the few who've actually
read the book. If I get one more
paper talking about how Hester always
took baths and spoke with a terrible
British accent...

OLIVE
Why don't people just Wikipedia it
like I did?

MR. GRIFFIN
You didn't Wikipedia it. I know you
read it.

OLIVE
(caught)
I did.

MR. GRIFFIN
(smiles)
I'm really sorry I had to send you to
the principal. If you tell anybody,
I'll deny it, but I really wanted to
cheer with the rest of the class.

OLIVE
(smiles)
You know I won't tell.
70.

She gets up to leave and passes a beautiful woman in the
doorway. This is Mrs. Griffin (early 30s).

OLIVE
Hey, Mrs. Griffin.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(no idea who she is)
Hi... you! How are you?

OLIVE
(re her 'A')
A is for Awesome.

Olive disappears into the empty halls.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I've never seen that girl before in my
life.

MR. GRIFFIN
That doesn't surprise me.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I'm the guidance counselor. I should
know all of the students. Especially
the ones dressed like whores.

He kisses her. It's a real kiss. He starts to grab her butt.
She stops him.

MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
Not in school. You know the rule.

MR. GRIFFIN
She's just going through a phase.
(then)
Hey, do you think you could talk to
her? Maybe get her to, I don't know--

MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait,
That's not the girl everyone's talking
about, is it?

MR. GRIFFIN
Yeah.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
Jesus-freak office aid has been
bitching about her incessantly.
71.

MR. GRIFFIN
It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
that's all she needs.

MRS. GRIFFIN
What are you making for dinner
tonight?

MR. GRIFFIN
Is it my turn?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
girls at happy hour.

MR. GRIFFIN
Don't have too much fun.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I never do.

He kisses her and tries to go in for the butt again. No dice.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mr. Griffin confronts Olive about her provocative outfit and behavior, expressing concern for her well-being. Olive opens up about her reasons for her actions. Mrs. Griffin enters the classroom and hints at a possible intervention with Olive, while Mr. Griffin tries to initiate physical intimacy but is stopped by Mrs. Griffin.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Creative concept
Strong character dynamics

Weaknesses

Limited emotional depth
Moderate conflict level

Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, as it jumps between different topics without a cohesive thread.
The dialogue between Olive and Mr. Griffin feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
The interaction between Olive and Mrs. Griffin at the end of the scene feels out of place and does not contribute to the overall narrative.
The scene lacks subtlety and relies heavily on cliched dialogue and interactions, making it feel contrived.
There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in this scene, which hinders the audience's ability to empathize with the characters.

Suggestions

Focus on developing a clear objective for the scene that drives the character interactions and dialogue.
Consider adding layers to the conversation between Olive and Mr. Griffin to explore deeper themes and emotions.
Integrate Mrs. Griffin's character more seamlessly into the scene to ensure her presence feels organic and relevant to the narrative.
Work on creating more nuanced and authentic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
Enhance the emotional resonance of the scene by delving into the internal struggles and growth of the characters.

Scene 26 - Christian Club Confrontation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCHOOL GYM - THE NEXT MORNING

A piece of paper is taped to the double doors: "RESERVED: CROSS
YOUR HEART CLUB."

INT. SCHOOL GYM - THE NEXT MORNING

Light streams through the windows. It's very biblical. A group
of well-dressed Christian kids sit in a semi-circle near the
light. Marianne is the leader, Nina by her side.

MARIANNE
Heavenly Father, watch over us with
Your all-encompassing love. Keep us
on the path toward Your righteousness
and eternal salvation.

They all smile, say "Amen," and open their eyes.

MARIANNE
Guys. We have a problem.

NINA
Amen to that.

MARIANNE
Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
for her, but we also need to get her
the hell out of here.

Everyone "Amens."
72.

MARIANNE
I'm sure, by now, you've all heard
about what happened at Melanie
Bostic's party.

CHRISTIAN KID #1
I was there. I heard the whole thing.

MARIANNE
That's not something you need to
advertise, Kurt.

KURT
(sheepishly)
Sorry.

MARIANNE
See, herein lies the problem: She's
doing these tasteless, immoral acts in
plain view of the entire student body.
She's in direct opposition to
everything we're trying to do for this
school, which is make it a wholesome
learning environment and a place where
our children will one day flourish the
way we are.

Everyone "Amens."

MARIANNE
She was sent to the principal's office
last week--

NINA
(interrupting)
She called me a really hurtful name.
MARIANNE
--and I tried to witness to her, but
she's defiant to any sort of help.
(tears up)
I don't know what to do, but something
has to be done.

Her boyfriend, Micah (19) takes her hand and holds it. She
leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina begins
rubbing her shoulder, sympathetically.

MARIANNE
Does anybody here think they can talk
to her in a way that might get her to
see what she's doing is wrong?

She suddenly bursts into sobs. And these aren't crocodile
tears. She is flooded with emotion.
73.

MARIANNE
I'm sorry. This is so stupid.

MICAH
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.

MARIANNE
Jesus tells us to love everyone. Even
the whores and the homosexuals, but
it's so hard.

Everyone "Amens."

MARIANNE
It's so hard, because they just keep
doing 'it' over and over again.

She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group follows
suit.

MARIANNE
Make me a promise. Make God a promise
right here and now that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
(looking to Micah)
Until our love is proven holy in His
eyes.

EVERYONE
We promise.

MARIANNE
Awww, I love you guys. God loves you
guys. Now let's change lives today.
Micah, hit it.

Micah picks up a guitar and starts playing "Alive" by P.O.D.
They break out in song--

EVERYONE
I feel so alive. For the very first
time. I can't deny you I feel so
alive. I feel so alive for the very
first time. And I think I can fly!

INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY

Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the
day before with a red 'A' sewn onto her top. Marianne is behind
the desk, sharpening pencils. After each one, she observes the
point with a scary satisfaction. They exchange a few hateful
glances at each other. Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her
office.
74.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Hey, Olive. Wanna come in?

Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically. She
turns back to Marianne and, for her benefit, hikes up her skirt
and pulls down her cleavage.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Marianne leads a Christian club meeting where they discuss Olive Penderghast's behavior. Marianne becomes emotional and the group promises to remain chaste. The scene ends with Olive being called to the front office.

Strengths

Strong character development
Emotional depth
Engaging dialogue

Weaknesses

Stereotypical portrayal of religious characters
Slightly predictable plot progression

Critique

The scene portrays the Christian club members discussing Olive's behavior in a judgmental and condemning manner, which may come across as preachy and one-dimensional.
The dialogue feels forced and lacks subtlety, with characters explicitly stating their moral judgments and intentions rather than showing them through actions and interactions.
The emotional outburst from Marianne feels contrived and melodramatic, lacking depth and authenticity in portraying her inner conflict.
The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and cliches, such as the 'whores and homosexuals' reference, which can be seen as insensitive and outdated.
The portrayal of purity and chastity as the ultimate virtues may come across as moralistic and exclusionary, failing to explore the complexity of human behavior and relationships.

Suggestions

Consider adding nuance to the characters' perspectives by showing their internal struggles and conflicting emotions rather than relying on overt dialogue.
Focus on developing more organic and authentic interactions between the characters to create a sense of realism and depth in the scene.
Avoid using stereotypes and cliches to address sensitive topics like morality and sexuality, and strive for a more nuanced and inclusive portrayal of diverse beliefs and values.
Explore the complexity of moral dilemmas and ethical choices by delving into the characters' motivations and inner conflicts, rather than presenting them in a black-and-white manner.
Consider incorporating subtle symbolism and visual cues to enhance the thematic elements of the scene and create a more layered and engaging narrative.

Scene 27 - Guidance Office Meeting

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Olive sits across from Mrs. Griffin.

MRS. GRIFFIN
The reason I called you down here is
just so that we could, sort of, you
know, chat about what's going on.

OLIVE
I love me some chatting.

MRS. GRIFFIN
There's been some concern from faculty
members.

OLIVE
Your husband.

Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's
something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, you're attempting to make a
statement. We get that. I'm just
confused as to what exactly it is.

OLIVE
Am I in trouble? Because pursuant to
the Student Code of Conduct, the hem
of my dress isn't higher than my
fingertips.

MRS. GRIFFIN
You're not in trouble. I just wanted
you to know that if there was
something you maybe needed to talk
about, that you could trust me.

OLIVE
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Yes.
75.

OLIVE
(confessional)
I watch "American Idol." And not even
ironically.

Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I have a reputation to uphold.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Don't you, though?

Olive assesses this statement from her.

OLIVE
We done? If I can think of any angsty
things to report, you'll be the first
to know.
(winks)
This has been so much fun that I'm
actually, at this very moment,
considering meth addiction, just so I
can come back and we can jawbone some
more.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(bitingly)
Or you could always get pregnant.

OLIVE
No. No Juno for me, thanks.

Mrs. Griffin pulls out a handful of condoms from her purse.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Propho-tastic!
MRS. GRIFFIN
Please don't tell anyone I gave you
these. The school board is--

OLIVE
Puritanical and oppressive?

MRS. GRIFFIN
Conservative.

Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.

OLIVE
I really don't need those.
76.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(sternly)
You really do. I don't want this
thing you're going through right now
to define your life.

She puts them in Olive's hand and clenches it closed. Olive
looks at them. Then back at Mrs. Griffin.

OLIVE
You actually sound like you really
care.

MRS. GRIFFIN
I do, Olive. Do what you gotta do,
let your freak flag fly, find out who
you are, Godspeed. Just make sure you
have an exit strategy.

Shit. She really cares. And she's making sense.

OLIVE
The thing is, Mrs. Griffin, I don't
really need this because--

MRS. GRIFFIN
Enough! Just take them!

Olive's confession thwarted yet again, she slowly puts them in
her pocket.

OLIVE
Are these ribbed, for my pleasure?

MRS. GRIFFIN
(ignores her)
Remember: our little secret. Would
you send in the next person please?

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive meets with Mrs. Griffin in the guidance office to discuss concerns from faculty members. Despite Olive deflecting serious conversation with humor and sarcasm, Mrs. Griffin expresses genuine concern for Olive's well-being. She gives Olive condoms and urges her to have an exit strategy, ultimately resolving the conflict of getting Olive to open up.

Strengths

Sharp dialogue
Character development
Humor

Weaknesses

Lack of high stakes
Limited physical action

Critique

The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, leading to a lack of engagement for the audience. It feels like a filler scene with no significant development or progression of the plot.
The dialogue between Olive and Mrs. Griffin feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity. The humor comes across as forced and the interactions feel contrived.
The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to evoke any real connection or empathy towards the characters. Olive's behavior and Mrs. Griffin's responses feel superficial and do not resonate with the audience.
The transition between Olive's confessional moments and the interaction with Mrs. Griffin feels disjointed and abrupt, making the scene feel disconnected and disjointed.
The scene does not effectively contribute to the overall narrative arc or character development, leaving the audience with a sense of confusion and disinterest.

Suggestions

Consider revisiting the purpose of the scene and how it fits into the larger story. Ensure that each scene serves a clear function in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
Focus on creating more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Olive and Mrs. Griffin. Develop their relationship and interactions to make them more engaging and relatable to the audience.
Add emotional depth to the scene by exploring Olive's internal struggles and Mrs. Griffin's genuine concern for her. Allow the characters to show vulnerability and authenticity to create a more compelling dynamic.
Improve the transition between Olive's confessional moments and the interaction with Mrs. Griffin to create a smoother flow and connection between the different elements of the scene.
Enhance the scene by introducing elements that contribute to the overall themes and motifs of the screenplay, adding layers of complexity and depth to the narrative.

Scene 28 - A Moment of Compassion

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs his
eyes, like he's been crying.

OLIVE
You're up, hoss.

MARIANNE
(to Micah, concerned)
It's going to be okay.

She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her office.
77.

OLIVE
(to Marianne)
Let me guess: meth.

MARIANNE
Not now, trollop.

OLIVE
Don't you think it's kind of strange
that your boyfriend is almost twenty
years old and still in high school?

MARIANNE
Not that it's any of your business,
but he is here by choice.

OLIVE
It's his choice that he's a third year
senior who can't pass any test he
takes?

MARIANNE
No. It's His choice. Capital H, His.
If God wanted him to graduate God
would've given him the right answers.

OLIVE
You've gotta be shitting me.

MARIANNE
God's plan is for Micah to be a youth
minister. To that end it behooves him
to observe those who are going to need
his help when they're finally ready to
accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and
personal savior.
OLIVE
So, why was he blubbering like a baby?
Ooh! Is he struggling with his
sexuality?

MARIANNE
(breaks out in tears)
No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch!
His parents are going through a
(whispers)
Divorce!

She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to do,
goes around the counter and hugs her, tentatively. Marianne
just cries on her shoulder.
78.

OLIVE
There. There. Sometimes our
boyfriend's parents get divorced.
It's just important to know that it's
not your fault.

She looks around as if to say "why the hell am I doing this?"

MARIANNE
They go to our church! Imagine what
people will say!

Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.

OLIVE
How long do these embraces usually
last? I have to go. Are you going to
be okay?

MARIANNE
Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
everything. She's amazing. I know
she's going to help Micah through this
time and everything's going to be
okay.

OLIVE
That's the spirit. Yay! Everything's
going to be okay.

Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.

MARIANNE
Why are you being so nice to me?

OLIVE
Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
Those are your boss' rules, right?

MARIANNE
I did it! I got through to you!

This triggers even more wails from Marianne, who grabs Olive and
squeezes her tightly.

MARIANNE
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
everything I said. I want to be
friends. Please be my friend.

Olive is really confused by this display. She's about to say
something snide, but thinks better of it--

OLIVE
Absolutely.
79.

Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her, warmly.

OLIVE (V.O.)
And for a day, we were actually really
good friends. But I just went with
it. And I was really starting to
think things were going to turn
around.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLS - DAY

Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.

OLIVE (V.O.)
But then I unwittingly gave her
boyfriend a venereal disease...

Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY

Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.
Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as if
her world has just collapsed.

OLIVE (V.O.)
...And caused the break-up of Mr. and
Mrs. Griffin...

MRS. GRIFFIN
(snaps)
What?! What do you want?

Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look
at her.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
Just go!

She throws a photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a school office, a guidance counselor confides in a student about a troubled student's family issues. The student shows unexpected empathy. The scene ends with Mrs. Griffin telling Olive to leave.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Humorous moments
Character development

Weaknesses

Some cliched dialogue

Critique

The scene starts with a strong emotional moment between Marianne and Micah, but Olive's entrance disrupts the flow of the scene.
Olive's sarcastic and insensitive comments towards Marianne's beliefs and personal life feel out of place and detract from the emotional weight of the situation.
The sudden shift from Olive's snide remarks to her attempt at comforting Marianne feels forced and lacks a natural progression.
The resolution of Olive and Marianne's conflict happens too quickly and feels rushed, especially considering the severity of the situation.
The transition from Olive and Marianne reconciling to Marianne's sudden anger and subsequent slap lacks a smooth transition and feels abrupt.

Suggestions

Consider building up Olive and Marianne's reconciliation more gradually to make it feel more authentic and earned.
Revisit Olive's dialogue to ensure it aligns with the emotional tone of the scene and the seriousness of the situation.
Provide more context or background information to justify Olive's behavior and comments towards Marianne, making her actions more believable.
Extend the aftermath of Marianne's slap to explore the repercussions and emotional impact on both characters in more depth.
Work on creating a smoother transition between Olive and Marianne's reconciliation and the subsequent conflict to maintain the scene's emotional continuity.

Scene 29 - Olive Confronts Her Accusers

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
waving signs on wooden stakes. "EXPEL OLIVE," "EXODUS 20:14,"
"SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING," "OLIVE PENDERGHAST
IS A WHORE." There's also a guy holding a Quiznos sign,
spinning it like those guys on the corner. What's most
shocking, however, is that Rhi is among the throng, as riled up
as any.
80.

OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
that these people wanted my diseased,
home-wrecking ass out of there. The
funny thing is the whole time this
shit was going down, people calling me
something I knew wasn't true, my best
friend included, I couldn't help but
think how I could have come up with
better signs. No one even bothered to
use alliteration or, God forbid,
irony. Not even a single acronym and
that seems a lot more unforgivable
than my sins. Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy. That's the one thing
that trumps religion: capitalism.

Olive descends into her lion's den and grabs Rhi.

OLIVE
Why are you doing this?

RHIANNON
I'm trying to make this school a
better place.

OLIVE
Can't we just start a petition to get
the Drama kids to sell Mike&Ikes
instead of M&Ms?

RHIANNON
You're going down, Olive Penderghast.

OLIVE
Why are you being so mean to me?
You're supposed to be my best friend!
RHIANNON
I was. But you dumped me.

OLIVE
Dumped you? We're not dating. And
you don't even know what Exodus 20:14
means.

Poking her hard in the chest--

RHIANNON
No. You don't know what Exodus 20:14
means.

THE QUIZNOS GUY
Oooo! Slam-buca, served cold!
81.

OLIVE
Piss off, Quiznos dude.
(to Rhiannon)
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I really think--

RHIANNON
Let's not mistake popularity for
infamy.

The protesters begin shouting at Olive. She turns and heads
off. And bumps smack-dab into... Woodchuck Todd.

OLIVE
Sorry.

She puts her head down and starts off but he takes her arm.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You okay?

OLIVE
I'm awesome.

He looks deep into her eyes.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Fuck all these people.

OLIVE
Haven't you heard? I already did.

She hustles off.

INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Olive finds the Religion section. She scans the shelves until
she finds a King James Bible. She thumbs through until she
finds Exodus 20:14. "Thou shall not commit adultery." She
gasps and slams the book shut.

EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

Olive walks up and opens the big doors.

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

It's empty. A few candles are burning. She makes a beeline for
the confessional booth, takes a deep breath and enters.

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.
82.

OLIVE
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I think that's how you're supposed to
start these things. I'm only going on
what I've seen in the movies. Then I
think I'm supposed to tell you how
long it's been since my last
confession. But that's kind of my
first confession. I'm not Catholic.
I really don't know what I'm supposed
to do, except sit here and tell you
what I've done wrong. So here goes.
(then)
I've been pretending to be a-- how
would one phrase it in Catholic words?
A harlot. It's not like I've actually
been doing the things that people are
saying I'm doing, but then again, I'm
not denying them, so I've just been
wondering: is that wrong? There's a
lot of bad stuff going down at my
school which may or may not be
indirectly because of this masquerade.
(then)
I'm lying. You caught me. I may have
caused the end of a marriage. In my
own perverse way, I thought I could
help it. In my defense, I might talk
like an adult but I am merely an
adolescent. I should never have even
been propositioned in the way I was
propositioned by an adult. But then
again, I should never have consented.
It was just that a lot of people had
been asking me to do things and I
thought it was okay, because it wasn't
real. It was make-believe and no one
was getting hurt. But a lot of people
hate me now. I kind of hate me, too.

There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I could be wrong, but aren't you
supposed to say something or ask me
questions? Tell me to say ten Hail
Marys, pay a fine, advance token to
nearest Railroad? Hello?

She peers through the screen. There's no one there.

OLIVE
Oh, fuck me!

She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
83.

EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

Olive, upset at herself, storms out and starts running down the
sidewalk. She's never felt more alone and lost. Olive runs for
a little while longer and then turns a corner. Where she comes
across a Presbyterian Church.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Amidst a public protest accusing her of adultery, Olive stands defiant. Despite feeling betrayed by her former friend Rhiannon, Olive seeks solace in a Catholic confessional, only to find it empty. This encounter leaves her feeling abandoned, and she runs towards a Presbyterian church, seeking redemption and guidance.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Humor

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may come off as overly dramatic

Critique

The scene effectively portrays the consequences of Olive's actions as she faces angry protestors outside her school, including her former friend Rhiannon. The tension and conflict between Olive and Rhiannon are well depicted, showing the breakdown of their friendship.
The use of signs and slogans by the protestors adds a realistic touch to the scene, highlighting the severity of the situation Olive finds herself in.
Olive's internal monologue provides insight into her thoughts and feelings, adding depth to her character and the situation she is in.
The interaction between Olive and Woodchuck Todd adds a moment of support and understanding amidst the chaos, showing a glimmer of hope for Olive.
The scene transitions smoothly from the school setting to Olive seeking solace in a Catholic church, adding a layer of introspection and vulnerability to her character.
The revelation of Exodus 20:14 and Olive's realization of the gravity of her actions adds a poignant moment of self-reflection and guilt.
The confessional booth scene captures Olive's inner turmoil and conflict, showcasing her struggle with morality and the consequences of her choices.
The scene effectively conveys Olive's emotional state as she runs out of the church feeling lost and alone, setting up a sense of despair and uncertainty for her character.

Suggestions

Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the intensity of the confrontation between Olive and the protestors, as well as her interaction with Rhiannon.
Explore deeper into Olive's emotional turmoil and guilt in the confessional booth scene, delving into her conflicting feelings and moral dilemmas.
Provide more context or background information on the protestors and their motivations, to give a clearer understanding of the situation Olive is facing.
Consider incorporating a resolution or turning point in Olive's internal struggle, to show growth or development in her character.
Experiment with different ways to depict Olive's sense of isolation and despair as she runs out of the church, to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience.

Scene 30 - A Creepy Encounter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Olive enters to find a sweet, portly Receptionist, 50s who is
searching through religious clip-art on her computer The lady
smiles, acknowledging Olive.

OLIVE
Hi. I was wondering if the minister
was around?

RECEPTIONIST
(super enthusiastic)
Pastor McGreevey is on vacation this
week. But our associate pastor is in.
Would you like to speak to him?

OLIVE
(matches her enthusiasm)
Actually, that would be fantastic!

RECEPTIONIST
Can I tell him what this is regarding?

OLIVE
I'm looking for a church to join and I
thought he might be able to sell me on
this fine establishment.

The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.
RECEPTIONIST
Donald, there's a young lady here who
would like to speak with you about
joining. Uh-huh... Okey-dokey.
(points to an office)
You can go right in!

OLIVE
If everyone here is as friendly as
you, I think we might be in business.

She winks at the receptionist and crosses off.

INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Associate Pastor Donald is a gangly, borderline creepy man.
84.

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD
Hello, young lady. My name is
Associate Pastor Donald. How can I
help you today?

He extends his hand and she shakes it.

OLIVE
Well, I'm new to the area, Associate
Pastor Donald. And I'm looking for a
church. Hopefully something with a
strong fellowship, a firm foot in the
soil of... divinity. And was
wondering what your church's stance on
lying and adultery was?

Don seems taken aback by the question.

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD
Well. It's not a good thing.

OLIVE
Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
tell me: assuming there is a hell--

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD
The Presbyterian Church recognizes the
existence of hell.

OLIVE
Okay, fine. Let's say hell exists.
Which is worse: lying or adultery? Or
is lying about adultery like a double
whammy?

ASSOCIATE PASTOR DONALD
I'm sorry, young lady, I-- what did
you say your name was?

At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a framed family
photo. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Donald, his wife, a
woman with a smile the size of Montana, and his lovely
daughter... Marianne Bryant! Olive jumps from up from her chair
and knocks it over by accident. She goes to catch it and knocks
some books off his desk, one of them the Bible.

OLIVE
You know what? I think I'm just going
to go and check out Judaism.
(backs up to the door)
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
Fashion-wise. And Florida. I love
the heat. Thank you for your time.

She bolts from his office.
85.

INT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Olive bursts past the receptionist and out the door.

EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

Olive takes off running down the sidewalk.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Yes. I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father of the leader of my
lynch mob. What other complete and
total idiot can say that's happened to
them?

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
As much as I want to say I hate
Marianne. I don't. I get her. Well,
I get certain things about her. She's
passionate. Like myself. She always
thinks she's right. Like myself.
And, yeah, I can kind of understand
why she slapped me that day. Here's
what happened...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY

Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting to
school and throws her arms around her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Remember how I said we were BFFs for,
like, a day. Well, that's true. It
was like we were sisters all of a
sudden.

Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
with it. Rhiannon watches this and couldn't be more pissed.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive sits in class. Marianne texts her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
She texted me in first period.

Olive reads it. "HEY GIRLIE! HANG AFTR SKL 2DAY? XOXOX"
Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up. Across
the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
86.

INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER

Marianne is working with her partner, Evan.

OLIVE (V.O.)
By second period, we apparently had
private jokes.

Marianne turns to Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal
behind his back and laughs. Olive, unaware of how to respond,
matches her laugh and gives another thumbs up.

INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER

The students are all making a five layer parfait. Marianne
ruses in, tear-streaked. She runs over to Olive and again
throws her arms around her.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Tragedy struck in third period.

MARIANNE
Micah's in the hospital. He's in so
much pain! The nurse didn't know what
was wrong.

Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.

OLIVE
He'll be okay. There there.

MARIANNE
(tears in her eyes)
Really?

Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder. She tastes
some parfait with her free hand.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive seeks comfort at a church but is met with an evasive response from the associate pastor. She discovers a connection to Marianne, her former friend and attacker, through a family photo. Feeling betrayed and alone, Olive flees the church, her sense of isolation intensified.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Some awkward physical comedy moments

Critique

The scene starts off with Olive seeking guidance from a church after facing public outrage, which is a good continuation of the previous events. However, the interaction with the Receptionist and Associate Pastor Donald feels a bit forced and lacks depth. The dialogue about lying and adultery comes off as awkward and doesn't flow naturally.
The revelation of Marianne being the daughter of Associate Pastor Donald is a bit too coincidental and feels contrived. It may be more effective to have Olive discover this connection in a more subtle or organic way.
The scene transitions from Olive seeking guidance to her running away from the church and feeling lost, which is a sudden shift in tone. The emotional journey Olive goes through could be better developed to create a more impactful and cohesive narrative.
The voice-over narration adds some insight into Olive's thoughts and feelings, but it could be integrated more seamlessly into the scene to enhance the storytelling.
The interactions between Olive and Marianne in the classroom settings feel rushed and lack depth. The development of their friendship could be more nuanced and layered to make it more believable.

Suggestions

Consider refining the dialogue between Olive and the Receptionist/Associate Pastor to make it more natural and engaging. Focus on creating authentic interactions that reveal more about Olive's character and emotional state.
Find a more organic way for Olive to discover Marianne's connection to the Associate Pastor, avoiding overly coincidental plot points.
Work on the pacing and emotional arc of the scene to ensure a smoother transition from Olive seeking guidance to her running away. Develop Olive's emotional journey more effectively to engage the audience.
Integrate the voice-over narration more seamlessly into the scene to provide deeper insight into Olive's thoughts and feelings without disrupting the flow of the narrative.
Enhance the interactions between Olive and Marianne in the classroom settings to add depth and complexity to their friendship. Show the evolution of their relationship in a more nuanced and realistic way.

Scene 31 - Chlamydia Diagnosis and Confrontation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Marianne's boyfriend Micah writhes in pain on a hospital bed,
clutching his crotch. His worried mother is beside him.

MICAH
It hurts so bad, Mommy.

A doctor enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.

DOCTOR
Well, it's what I thought. Chlamydia.

Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
87.

MICAH'S MOTHER
How did you get chlamydia? Who have
you been screwing?! Tell me! Tell me
now, or I'll kill you right here!

Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's hands
flying at astonishing speed shouts out--

MICAH
Olive! Olive Penderghast!

INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER

Micah's mother is on her cell phone.

MICAH'S MOTHER
(angrily)
Olive Penderghast.

INT. PERFECTLY APPOINTED KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The woman on the other end of the phone is a woman with a smile
the size of Montana: Marianne's mother. She hangs up. With a
grimace the size of Montana.

MARIANNE'S MOTHER
Goddamn it!

She picks up the phone and dials a number. She talks and
gestures animatedly as Olive narrates--

OLIVE (V.O.)
Fourth period was when Marianne had
office duty. Her duties included
typing, stapling, filing and...

INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY
Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape. She's
just heard from her mother that her boyfriend has chlamydia.

OLIVE (V.O.)
...answering the phones.

MARIANNE
(screams)
Chlamydia!

Birds fly off the windowsill. Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
office, a panicked expression on her face.
88.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

MARIANNE'S MOTHER
(seething)
Olive Penderghast.

She hears static on the phone.

INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Marianne jams the phone in the cradle.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Are you okay, hon?

Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne quivers
in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts--

MARIANNE
That--

But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long
ringing of the school bell. The bell ends.

MARIANNE
--'cking hell!

She turns and tears out of the office.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

As we saw before, Marianne stomps through the hall with hatred
burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.

OLIVE (V.O.)
Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.

OLIVE
(clutching her face)
Motherfucker!

Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and happily
slams her locker shut. Breezing past her--

RHIANNON
My sentiments exactly.

On Olive.
89.

EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY

Micah's on his cell phone, smoking a cigarette. He checks every
few seconds to see if his mother is on her way out.

MICAH
I didn't know what to say! I
panicked! I said I got it from Olive
Penderghast... I know, but what was I
supposed to say?! And then my mom
called her mom... No, not Olive's,
Marianne's!... I tried to blame it on
their divorce, but my mom's not buying
it. I have to tell them... Okay.
But I don't care if you gave me
chlamydia. I love you and I want to
be with you and no one can stop us.
Not my mother, not Marianne, not the
school board--

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Micah receives a chlamydia diagnosis, causing his mother to lash out and blame Olive Penderghast. Marianne's mother confronts Micah about the situation, leading to Marianne discovering the diagnosis and confronting Olive at school. Amidst the chaos, Micah defends Olive over the phone, expressing his unwavering love.

Strengths

Fast-paced plot
Sharp dialogue
Emotional impact

Weaknesses

Some may find the humor in the situation controversial or offensive

Critique

The scene introduces a new subplot involving Marianne's boyfriend Micah being diagnosed with chlamydia, which feels disconnected from Olive's main storyline.
The dialogue and actions of Micah's mother slapping him uncontrollably and threatening to kill him come across as overly dramatic and unrealistic.
The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and lacks smooth continuity, making it challenging for the audience to follow the sequence of events.
The scene shifts focus from Olive to Marianne and Micah, diluting the impact of Olive's character development and journey.
The use of profanity and intense emotions, while adding drama, may feel forced and excessive in this context.

Suggestions

Consider integrating Micah's chlamydia diagnosis into Olive's storyline in a more organic and meaningful way to maintain narrative coherence.
Tone down the exaggerated reactions and melodrama of Micah's mother to make the scene more believable and relatable.
Smooth out the transitions between different locations and characters to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.
Focus on Olive's perspective and reactions to the unfolding events to maintain the audience's engagement with her character arc.
Reevaluate the use of profanity and intense emotions to ensure they serve the narrative purpose without overshadowing the main storyline.

Scene 32 - Revelation and Reconciliation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Mrs. Griffin slams the phone shut on her teenage lover and
begins freaking out. She grabs a box and starts throwing stuff
in it. Just then Olive bursts in. And as we saw before--

MRS. GRIFFIN
(snaps)
What?! What do you want?

Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even look
at her.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Just go!

She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the box.
It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.

MRS. GRIFFIN
That's perfect. Just perfect.

Olive is stunned.

OLIVE
I'm sorry, I was just looking for
Marianne. Did she say something about
being mad at me? She just smacked the
b'Jesus out of me.

This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder.
90.

MRS. GRIFFIN
It's my fault. I'm so sorry, Olive.
I fucked up. I fucking fucked up so
fucking bad. I'm a fucking.... Fuck.

OLIVE
Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I
don't think you're supposed to use
that language around a student.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Yeah, well, you're not supposed to
fuck them either. But that didn't
stop me.

Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a little
louder than she planned.

OLIVE
You and-- Oh my God. I'm not judging
you or anything, but oh my God.
(then)
Wait. What does that have to do with
me?

Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She fights
back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.

OLIVE (V.O.)
My guidance counselor, who had only
days before armed me with a latex
bulletproof vest, told me that she had
chlamydia and that she had been
screwing around with her office aide's
boyfriend under the guise of divorce
counseling. She confided in me that
she and her husband, my favorite
teacher, were having marital problems,
that they hadn't slept together in
months. She assured me she had never
meant for anything to happen with
Micah, but he was of legal age so they
didn't technically, legally do
anything wrong. And that after Micah
found about the aforementioned
chlamydia he panicked and used me as a
scapegoat, to save her job and her
marriage. She promised me she would
make sure everyone knew the truth and
apologized. But in much saltier
language.

Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.
91.

OLIVE (V.O.)
And I bought it. Why? I don't really
know. I just did.

Olive gives her a reassuring smile, and offers up a solution.

OLIVE
I could have chlamydia. And I could
easily have given it to Micah. Who
knows? Often times women don't have
symptoms and the whole world knows I
have been whoring around...

MRS. GRIFFIN
No, you haven't.

Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Because a real whore can't admit it to
herself, let alone others. Trust me.

She begins to weep. Olive puts her hand on her shoulder.

OLIVE
Call Micah. Tell him I said he's an
ass and that he owes me so big for
this and also the time I pretended not
to see him during that third grade
game of hide and seek. Tell him I
still remember that. But tell him I
confessed to giving him chlamydia.

Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
And it's not really my place to say
this, but I figure after the
conversation we just had, I can speak
candidly. Your husband is one USDA
Grade A great dude. If I were you,
I'd go home and seduce him and pretend
this never happened.

Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.

MRS. GRIFFIN
(sniveling)
Do you want some more condoms?

OLIVE
(maternally)
No, you keep them. And make sure you
use them tonight.
92.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mrs. Griffin confesses to Olive about her affair, leading to Olive being wrongly blamed for giving her lover chlamydia. Olive offers support and advice to Mrs. Griffin, helping her come up with a plan to reconcile with her husband and clear Olive's name.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Humor

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

Critique

The scene contains a heavy and emotionally charged revelation that Mrs. Griffin had an affair with her office aide's boyfriend, leading to Olive being blamed for giving him chlamydia. This revelation adds a complex layer to the story but may need more nuanced handling to ensure it fits seamlessly into the overall narrative.
The dialogue between Mrs. Griffin and Olive is impactful and reveals a significant plot twist. However, some of the language and interactions may come across as overly dramatic or sensationalized, which could detract from the authenticity of the scene.
The transition from Olive's initial shock to her calm and composed demeanor in offering a solution to Mrs. Griffin's dilemma feels somewhat abrupt. There could be more exploration of Olive's internal conflict and emotional response to the situation to add depth to her character development.
The scene delves into themes of betrayal, forgiveness, and redemption, which are powerful and compelling. However, the resolution of Mrs. Griffin's confession and Olive's response could be further developed to provide a more satisfying and impactful conclusion to this storyline.
The scene effectively showcases Olive's compassionate nature and willingness to help others, even in the face of adversity. This aspect of her character adds depth and complexity to her portrayal, making her a more relatable and empathetic protagonist.

Suggestions

Consider refining the dialogue to strike a balance between emotional intensity and realism, ensuring that the characters' interactions feel authentic and grounded in the context of the story.
Explore Olive's internal turmoil and conflicting emotions in response to Mrs. Griffin's confession, allowing for a more gradual and nuanced portrayal of her character growth and moral dilemmas.
Further develop the resolution of Mrs. Griffin's storyline, including the aftermath of Olive's solution and the impact of their conversation on both characters' arcs.
Focus on maintaining consistency in tone and pacing throughout the scene to ensure a cohesive and engaging narrative flow that resonates with the audience.
Continue to highlight Olive's empathetic and compassionate nature while also delving into the complexities of her relationships and moral decisions, adding layers to her character development.

Scene 33 - Family Movie Night and Unexpected Invitation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. PENDERGHAST LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The Penderghasts are assembled for family movie night in front
of their TV. Rosemary and Ginger are under a blanket and Dill
is digging through the DVDs. Olive seems distracted.

DILL
Okay, so I've narrowed it down to The
Other Boleyn Girl or The Bucket List.

GINGER
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.

DILL
That's because it's up to the "Family
Member of the Week" to pick the movie.

GINGER
But he gets "Family Member of the
Week" every week.

ROSEMARY
And there's a reason for that.

GINGER
Yeah, you decide who gets "Family
Member of the Week."

ROSEMARY
Are you accusing me of nepotism?

DILL
The Bucket List it is.
(to Rosemary)
Make sure after we watch it you cross
"watching The Bucket List" off our
bucket list.

OLIVE
Hey, listen. Just a heads up. If you
hear around town that I have
chlamydia, I just want you to know
it's totally false.

GINGER
What's chlamydia?

ROSEMARY
Olive, do we need to have the talk
with you? Again?

OLIVE
Don't freak out. It's just a thing
going around.
93.

DILL
Yeah, if you're a sex worker in
Sarajevo.

GINGER
What's Sarajevo?

OLIVE
I'm just doing a little
anthropological social experiment.

DILL
Nothing you're saying is making me
feel better.

OLIVE
I promise you I have no STDs. I'm
just saying that if you hear anything
to the contrary, come up with some
funny retort and walk away.

GINGER
What's STDs?

ROSEMARY
They're cooties, sweetheart. Really,
really bad cooties.

GINGER
How bad?

ROSEMARY
Like what would happen if you kissed
Rush Limbaugh.

GINGER
Aw, puke. That guy's a twat.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
To say this whole thing had taken over
my life would be a colossal
understatement. I actually reread
"The Scarlet Letter" to see how Hester
dealt with it. Turns out she bore her
punishment in "humble silence" -- two
concepts I am not comfortable with.
But back to my contemporary yarn. How
could I be angry at Marianne? If some
bimbo gave my boyfriend an STD, I'd
have swung, but I'd have balled my
fist.
(lost in reverie)
(MORE)
94.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
My boyfriend.
(then)
With all the mythical play I was
getting, I still hadn't actually been
asked out on a real date. Guys were
jumping up and down to say they'd
slept with me -- chlamydia be
damned -- but no one bothered really
trying to sleep with me. I was
starting to think I did have a gnome
down there. Until finally...

EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE

Seven year-old Olive and Rhiannon chase a boy all over the
playground, desperate to kiss him.

OLIVE (V.O.)
It was really Rhiannon who had a crush
on him. She has since we were little
kids.

Rhiannon finally catches him and kisses him on the cheek.
Repulsed, he wipes his face. Rhiannon and Olive high five.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Olive eats her lunch by herself. Rhiannon sits at a different
table, mostly comprised of girls, and glares at her from across
the room. Anson, the boy we saw earlier with Rhiannon,
approaches Olive.

ANSON
Hey, Olive.

OLIVE
Anson. What's good?
ANSON
I was wondering if you were busy
tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
something?

OLIVE
What'd you have in mind?

ANSON
I don't know. I was thinking about
getting a hot air balloon, taking
along some champagne and melon, and
then trying to impress you by reading
some Sylvia Plath.

OLIVE
Or we could just go to Red Lobster?
95.

ANSON
I love Red Lobster! Should I still
bring the Sylvia Plath?

OLIVE
Nah. We could always just stick our
heads in the oven if we run out of
things to talk about.

ANSON
Cool.

Olive smiles like she's never smiled before.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary The Penderghast family is having a movie night in their living room, with Dill choosing a movie, Ginger questioning the choice, and Olive making a strange comment about chlamydia. A flashback to Olive's childhood crush is shown. The tension is resolved when Dill picks a movie. Anson approaches Olive and asks her out on a date, leaving her smiling happily.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Character dynamics
Humor

Weaknesses

Lack of major conflict
Limited character development in this specific scene

Critique

The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between family movie night, Olive's chlamydia comment, a flashback to her childhood crush, and a present-day interaction with Anson.
The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks cohesion, with random conversations about movie choices, chlamydia, and STDs that don't flow naturally.
The transition from the family movie night to Olive's bedroom talking to the webcam is abrupt and confusing for the audience.
The flashback to Olive's childhood crush feels out of place and doesn't add much to the current storyline or character development.
The interaction between Olive and Anson at the cafeteria lacks depth and meaningful connection, coming across as superficial and lacking emotional resonance.

Suggestions

Focus on a central theme or conflict for the scene to give it a clear direction and purpose.
Streamline the dialogue to make it more cohesive and relevant to the overall story arc.
Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between different elements, such as Olive's family dynamics, personal reflections, and interactions with other characters.
Integrate the flashback to Olive's childhood crush in a more meaningful way that ties into her current struggles or character growth.
Enhance the interaction between Olive and Anson to make it more engaging, authentic, and emotionally resonant for the audience.

Scene 34 - Awkward Dinner at Red Lobster

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT

Olive and Anson sit in a dimly-lit booth. Olive looks
beautiful. The 'A' on her shirt is sequined.

OLIVE
I can't think of anything better than
getting to select your dinner and have
nice conversation while they boil it
alive in the back.

ANSON
Order anything you want on the menu.

OLIVE
Do you believe this whole thing about
lobster being an aphrodisiac?

ANSON
(lying out his ass)
I didn't know it was.

OLIVE
You know, medical science has not
substantiated claims that any
particular food increases sexual
desire or performance. Yet guys spend
and spend to ply women with food they
think is gonna get them lucky. I
mean, what's really sexy about
slurping back oysters? Some people
even eat ground up rhinoceros horn
because it's thought to enlarge the
male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
And Spanish fly? It's actually
pulverized blister beetle. And it's
illegal in the US because if you take
just a bit too much, it causes painful
urination, fever and bloody discharge.

Anson gags. A server appears with their lobster.
96.

SERVER
Your Maine lobster with crab and
seafood stuffing.

OLIVE
Yum!

Olive digs in. Anson is nauseous and can't touch his. From
across the restaurant, a parade of servers enters from the back,
enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake. Leading the
brigade is Woodchuck Todd, who's wearing a red foam hat. With
as much spirit, as he has as a Woodchuck--

WOODCHUCK TODD
I don't know but I've been told!

PARADE OF SERVERS
I don't know but I've been told!

He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.

OLIVE
(To Anson)
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd worked
here! And he's a lobster! I wonder
if I should start calling him Lobster
Todd?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Marguerite is getting old!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Marguerite is getting old!

They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes her
neck to see... Rhiannon! She's sitting with her drunk parents
at a table in the next room.
OLIVE
Shit!

WOODCHUCK TODD
The best thing is her dessert is free!

PARADE OF SERVERS
The best thing is her dessert is free!

WOODCHUCK TODD
The worst thing is I sing off-key!

PARADE OF SERVERS
The worst thing is I sing off-key!

Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.
97.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Birthday!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sound off!

PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy birthday to you!

For the big finish, Woodchuck Todd does a freestyle dance as he
freestyle scats--

WOODCHUCK TODD
Happy happy birthday happy happy
birthday happy happy happy happy happy
birthday to you to you happy birthday
birthday birthday to you to you happy
happy birthday to you!

Everyone claps unenthusiastically.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Fuck.

ANSON
What's wrong?
OLIVE
Rhiannon's over there.

ANSON
So?

OLIVE
So? She's been in love with you since
first grade.

ANSON
So?

OLIVE
She's my best friend.

ANSON
I thought you two weren't speaking.
98.

OLIVE
We're not, but it doesn't mean she's
not my best friend. Or that I should
be out with you.

ANSON
Then why are you?

OLIVE
I don't know. You asked me out.

ANSON
Exactly. I have no interest in her.
I mean, we're friends, but--

OLIVE
She can't see us.

Anson moves to block Rhi's view of Olive.

ANSON
Do you want me to get the check?

OLIVE
Would you mind?

ANSON
(to passing server)
Could we get our check?

SERVER
Is everything okay?

OLIVE
I just remembered I'm allergic to
shellfish. I always forget that my
respiratory system will collapse and
I'll die. My bad, sorry.

Olive digs in her purse and pulls out a gift certificate.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I have a gift certificate.

She hands it to the waitress, who leaves.

ANSON
But I asked you out.

OLIVE
And I ruined it so let me bear the
financial brunt.
(beat)
I'm so sorry about this. But she
really likes you.
99.

ANSON
But Rhi and I just don't have that
much in common.

OLIVE
And you and I do?

ANSON
Yeah.

OLIVE
Like what?

ANSON
I hate Marianne Bryant, too.

OLIVE
Yeah well, if that's our magical
connection, I should date the entire
school.

ANSON
Haven't you?

Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit pissed.

OLIVE
Yeah, about that--

The server reappears with the check.

SERVER
You have a remaining balance of
fourteen dollars and thirty six cents.

OLIVE
Keep it. Tip.
SERVER
Thank you! And thanks for making Red
Lobster your choice for seafood
tonight.

The sever smiles and leaves them again.

OLIVE
Let's get out of here.

They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down, but
Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if Rhiannon sees
them. She does. Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas
Olive looks remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been
stabbed in the back, which she has. The Abernathys also see her
and wave, drunkenly -- knocking over glasses as they do. Olive
just waves sheepishly and leaves with Anson.
100.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive and Anson have an uncomfortable dinner conversation about aphrodisiacs at Red Lobster, while tension arises from Rhiannon's presence. Woodchuck Todd leads a lively birthday celebration for Rhiannon at a nearby table. The scene ends with Olive feeling guilty and leaving the restaurant.

Strengths

Witty dialogue
Realistic character interactions
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Slightly predictable resolution
Limited external conflict

Critique

The scene at Red Lobster lacks a clear focus and purpose, leading to a disjointed narrative. The conversation between Olive and Anson about aphrodisiac myths feels forced and out of place in a restaurant setting.
The dialogue between Olive and Anson about aphrodisiacs comes off as overly informative and unnatural, detracting from the authenticity of the characters' interactions.
The introduction of Woodchuck Todd and the birthday celebration for Rhiannon feels random and disconnected from the main storyline, adding unnecessary distractions to the scene.
Olive's sudden realization about being allergic to shellfish and her exaggerated reaction to it feels contrived and does not align with her character's established traits.
The interaction between Olive and Anson lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to engage the audience or advance the plot effectively.

Suggestions

Focus on developing a more cohesive and purposeful conversation between Olive and Anson that aligns with the overall narrative of the screenplay.
Consider integrating Woodchuck Todd and the birthday celebration for Rhiannon in a more organic and meaningful way to enhance the scene's relevance.
Streamline the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities, avoiding unnecessary information or forced interactions.
Ensure that Olive's actions and reactions are consistent with her established character traits and motivations to maintain authenticity and believability.
Explore opportunities to deepen the emotional connection between Olive and Anson, adding layers to their relationship dynamics and enhancing audience engagement.

Scene 35 - Unwanted Advances

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Olive and Anson sit in Anson's car. Olive's face is painted
with guilt. She feels like shit, but doesn't want to
externalize it. Anson puts his hand on her knee.

ANSON
I have something for you.

Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a gift card and hands it to her.

ANSON (CONT'D)
$500 to the Home Depot.

OLIVE
Oh. I didn't realize that this was--

ANSON
I know it sounds lame, but they've got
awesome stuff. I bought my air
compressor there.

Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.

OLIVE
So, what did we 'do' on this date?

ANSON
Whatever $500 gets me.

He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.

OLIVE
Wait. This isn't how it works. I
don't actually--
But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She pushes
him off again.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
You don't get it. I'm not technically
having sex with people for money. You
know that, right? Besides, even if I
was, we're in the parking lot of a Red
Lobster.

ANSON
We can go wherever you want. But I
think it'd be kind of hot here.

He takes off his shirt.

OLIVE
I gotta go. It's been... sad.
101.

She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.

ANSON
What are you doing? I paid you!

Olive throws the gift in the window.

OLIVE
Now you didn't.

ANSON
Come on, dude! I'm popping some
serious wood over here.

Olive just shakes her head and walks off. Tears form in her
eyes. She starts to run through the parking lot. Anson peels
out and drives off in the background. Olive has never felt more
depressed. She's now truly a prostitute. At full speed she
tries to rip her 'A' off her chest, but it's sewed on too
tightly. Just then Woodchuck Todd appears out nowhere, coming
out the back exit of Red Lobster.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Hey, Olive!

Olive stops in her tracks.

OLIVE
Todd!

Olive wipes the tears away.

OLIVE
I got something in my eye. Like a
twig or a branch or a contact.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I didn't know you wore contacts.

OLIVE
I don't. That's why I'm tearing up.

WOODCHUCK TODD
What are you doing here?

OLIVE
Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
parking lot. I do that sometimes.
Not necessarily just here. The one
outside of Applebee's is fun, too.

WOODCHUCK TODD
(laughs)
You want a ride somewhere?
102.

OLIVE
Nah. I'm fine.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Your friend Rhi's inside. It's her
Mom's birthday.

Tears begin to reappear in Olive's eyes.

OLIVE
She's not my friend anymore.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Let me drive you home.

Todd puts his arm around her and leads her to his car.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Olive receives a $500 Home Depot gift card from Anson in a Red Lobster parking lot. Anson tries to force himself on Olive, who rejects his advances and leaves. Woodchuck Todd appears and offers Olive a ride home.

Strengths

Strong emotional impact
Well-developed characters
Exploration of complex themes

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may come off as forced or unrealistic

Critique

The scene at the Red Lobster parking lot is intense and uncomfortable, which fits the tone of Olive's current emotional state. However, the interaction between Olive and Anson feels rushed and lacks depth, especially considering the sensitive subject matter of prostitution and coercion.
The dialogue between Olive and Anson could be more nuanced and reflective of the complex emotions at play. Anson's aggressive behavior towards Olive is concerning and could be portrayed with more subtlety to convey the power dynamics at play.
The scene could benefit from more exploration of Olive's internal struggle and emotional turmoil as she navigates the difficult situation with Anson. This would add depth to her character and make her actions and decisions more impactful.
The transition from Olive rejecting Anson to Woodchuck Todd's sudden appearance feels abrupt and could be smoother. The shift in tone from the intense interaction with Anson to the more lighthearted interaction with Todd could be better balanced to maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
Overall, the scene effectively conveys Olive's vulnerability and inner turmoil, but could be strengthened by delving deeper into her emotional journey and the complexities of the situations she finds herself in.

Suggestions

Consider revising the dialogue between Olive and Anson to add more depth and nuance to their interaction. Focus on conveying the power dynamics and emotional complexity of the scene.
Explore Olive's internal struggle and emotional turmoil more deeply to enhance the impact of her decisions and actions. Show her conflicting emotions and thought processes to make her character more relatable and compelling.
Smooth out the transition between Olive rejecting Anson and encountering Woodchuck Todd to maintain the emotional continuity of the scene. Ensure that the shift in tone is cohesive and serves the overall narrative.
Consider adding moments of introspection or reflection for Olive to further develop her character and provide insight into her mindset during this challenging moment. This will help the audience connect with her on a deeper level.
Continue to focus on Olive's emotional journey and the complexities of her experiences to create a more engaging and impactful scene that resonates with the audience.

Scene 36 - A Heartfelt Conversation

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT./EXT. WOODCHUCK TODD'S CAR - NIGHT

Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine" plays on the
radio. Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't
stop crying as Todd drives her home.

WOODCHUCK TODD
You wanna talk about it?

OLIVE
What's to say? I'm a horrible person.
Everyone thinks I'm a whore and, for
the first time, I'm starting to
believe it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Huh?

OLIVE
Oh, don't act like you don't know what
people are saying about me.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.

OLIVE
Why not?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Contrary to my primatial gyrations on
the gym floor, I'm not an idiot. I
know exactly what's going on and I
know exactly what you're doing.

OLIVE
Who told you?
103.

WOODCHUCK TODD
No one had to tell me. All I know is
once upon a time, there was a scared
little kid in a closet at a party who
wasn't ready for his first kiss and
there was this amazing little girl who
lied for him.

She smiles through her tears.

OLIVE
I still can't believe you remember
that.

WOODCHUCK TODD
I also remember that after I ran out
you pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
about that, by the way.

OLIVE
And look how he turned out.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Sometimes I pretend you were my first
real kiss.

OLIVE
(laughs)
Yeah? Who was?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Rhiannon. You know that. She must've
told you. You guys are thick as car
thieves.

OLIVE
What?!
WOODCHUCK TODD
Yeah. About a year later. It sucked.

OLIVE
That bitch! She knew how I felt about
you!

WOODCHUCK TODD
How do you feel about me?

OLIVE
She did it first! And here I am
feeling sooo bad and... that bitch!

WOODCHUCK TODD
Wait. How do you feel about me?
104.

OLIVE
(aggressively defensive)
Felt. I said felt.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Oh.

He stops the car. They're at her house.

OLIVE
How do you know where I live?

WOODCHUCK TODD
We used to carpool.

OLIVE
Yeah, in second grade. Are you like a
savant for people's addresses?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Just people who I think are cool.

OLIVE
You think I'm cool?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I do. And pretty. And smart.

OLIVE
And did you form this opinion prior to
my little transformation...

WOODCHUCK TODD
Way prior.

OLIVE
Wow.
WOODCHUCK TODD
Yeah.

OLIVE
Why didn't that rumor spread?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I like to keep my business to myself.
Notoriety, for whatever reason, never
seems to benefit the noted, only the
notees.

OLIVE
(laughs)
Where were you two weeks ago?

There's an awkward moment between them.
105.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Olive. If I promise not to tell
anyone, could I kiss you?

Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic
moment of her young life, Olive looks down.

OLIVE
No.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Oh. Okay. I'm sorry.

OLIVE
No. Just not tonight. I don't want
you to kiss me with mascara running
down my cheek and some horndog just
having forced his tongue down my
throat. I've wanted to kiss you since
the eighth grade, but I want it to be
perfect. And right now, my life's a
mess. I need to get my "business"
under control before I drag you into
it.

WOODCHUCK TODD
What if I told you I wanted to be
dragged into it? Maybe I could help.

He holds out his hand and she takes it.

OLIVE
No, this is all on me. Rain check?

WOODCHUCK TODD
Of course.
He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out of
the car and turns back--

OLIVE
Why now? Why are you suddenly into me
now?

WOODCHUCK TODD
I don't know. I haven't over analyzed
it. Like you're about to.

He smiles. She smiles back and walks to her house.
106.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Olive is emotional and vulnerable, expressing her insecurities to Todd as he drives her home. They have a heartfelt conversation about their past and present feelings for each other. Todd offers to kiss Olive, but she declines, wanting it to be perfect. The scene takes place in Woodchuck Todd's car at night with Natasha Bedingfield's 'Pocketful of Sunshine' playing on the radio. The conflict arises from Olive's insecurities and Todd's desire to kiss her, but it is resolved when Olive declines the kiss but expresses her feelings for Todd. The emotional tone is heartfelt and vulnerable, with moments of humor and sincerity. The scene ends with Olive declining Todd's offer to kiss her but expressing her feelings for him, leaving room for a potential future romantic connection.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
Authentic dialogue
Vulnerability

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Slow plot progression

Critique

The emotional depth and vulnerability of Olive's character are well portrayed in this scene, especially through her tears and candid conversation with Todd.
The dialogue between Olive and Todd feels authentic and reveals their history and feelings for each other effectively.
The revelation about Rhiannon's past involvement with Todd adds an interesting layer to the story and Olive's reaction feels genuine.
The pacing of the scene is well-maintained, allowing for moments of tension, humor, and introspection to unfold naturally.
The scene effectively sets up potential future developments in Olive and Todd's relationship, leaving room for growth and exploration.

Suggestions

Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the emotional impact of Olive's breakdown and Todd's comforting presence.
Explore deeper into Olive's internal struggles and conflicting emotions to add complexity to her character arc.
Provide more context or hints about Todd's sudden interest in Olive to make the transition smoother and more believable.
Consider incorporating subtle gestures or actions to convey Olive and Todd's unspoken feelings for each other.
Ensure that Olive's decision to postpone the kiss feels organic and in line with her character development.

Scene 37 - Consequences

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Now that I knew there were actually
decent and good-hearted people out
there -- and stone cold foxy to boot --
I had a reason for things to go back
to the way they were. Telling lies
was easy, telling the truth... Not so
much. But I had to do it. And I knew
I had to go to the one person I could
count on to set the story straight.
Brandon. I'd helped him and, even
though it would destroy his new
reputation for being a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

A gossipy girl in braces fill the frame--

GOSSIPY GIRL
Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon
ran away from home? Yeah. Totally.
He left his parents a note that said:
"F you, I'm gay." Then he skipped
town with a big, hulking black guy.

We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.

OLIVE
(to herself)
Sorry, Mark Twain. I underestimated
you.

GOSSIPY GIRL
Huh?

OLIVE
Nothing.

Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.

OLIVE (V.O.)
It gets worse. Due to his "condition"
Micah was sent on an extended visit to
his grandparents in Palatka, Florida.
Palatka is Timucuan Indian for "real
shit hole."
107.

EXT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN PALETKA - DAY

Unkempt, rundown yard of what was once probably a nice house.
Through the window we see Micah, beyond miserable, sitting
between his stern grandparents who read the Bible to him.

OLIVE (V.O.)
No telephone, no TV, no computer, no
internet and, most importantly, no
diseased sexual partners.
(then)
I wonder if God told him to get
chlamydia.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Olive pleads with Evan under the bleachers where they previously
met.

OLIVE (V.O.)
I went to everyone I'd helped and
begged them to say it wasn't true.

EVAN
No way. I gave you money.

OLIVE
You gave me a gift card to Autozone.
I don't even have a car.

EVAN
I thought it'd be aspirational.

OLIVE
Come on, Evan. Please.

EVAN
I don't want people to know I didn't
go to second base with you. Do you
know how many more girls I've hooked
up with because of that?

OLIVE
(disgusted)
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.

EVAN
(psyched)
Yeah, they are.

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY

Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long moment
of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then--
108.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, life is full of choices. I
made a bad one. But then, so did you.
We both acted unwisely, but I don't
see any other alternative than to live
with the guilt. My guilt stems from
my indiscretion, yours for lying.
We've made our choices. Now, we have
to ride them out.

OLIVE
Or I could just tell everyone the
truth and get you fired and put in
jail.

MRS. GRIFFIN
First of all, he is of age which makes
it perfectly legal. And secondly,
let's play the "who do you believe"
game. Ask yourself, if you were an
adult, who would you believe?

OLIVE
With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin, go
fuck yourself. And use one of your
condoms-- you wouldn't want to catch
something nasty from yourself.

MRS. GRIFFIN
Because you helped me once, I'm not
going to report you to Principal
Gibbons. Now we're even.

They're locked in a Mexican standoff.

MRS. GRIFFIN
You can go now.
Olive storms out.

INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into
the room.

OLIVE
Your wife has chlamydia and she's been
sleeping with a student and she gave
it to him and now she's trying to
blame me.

Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.

MR. GRIFFIN
What?
109.

The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she stumbles.

OLIVE
I-I-I'm sorry. I--

Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Looking back, that's the thing I
regret the most. That's the thing
that sent me to the church...es. And
that's the thing that made me realize
how profoundly I'd screwed up. And
that's something I'll have to live
with for the rest of my life. With my
words, even though they were true, I
ended a marriage. No kid should have
to be burdened with that. Although I
don't really classify myself as a kid
any more after all this. God,
adulthood's overrated. Why are we all
in such a fucking hurry?

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Olive contends with the fallout of her decisions.Micah endures his separation,Evan distances himself, and Mrs. Griffin's infidelity is exposed.

Strengths

Emotional depth of characters
Sharp and impactful dialogue
Exploration of moral dilemmas and consequences

Weaknesses

Some elements may be overly dramatic or exaggerated

Critique

The scene transitions abruptly from Olive reflecting on her past actions to a series of interactions with various characters, leading to a lack of cohesion and clarity in the storytelling.
The dialogue between Olive and Mrs. Griffin feels forced and unrealistic, especially the exchange of insults and the resolution of their conflict. It comes across as melodramatic and detracts from the overall tone of the scene.
The revelation about Mrs. Griffin's affair and Olive's impulsive decision to expose it to her husband feels rushed and lacks proper buildup or emotional depth. It undermines the complexity of the characters' relationships and motivations.
The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with Olive's emotional journey and the consequences of her actions.
The pacing of the scene is uneven, with sudden shifts in tone and pacing that disrupt the flow of the narrative and make it challenging to follow Olive's internal struggles and external conflicts.

Suggestions

Consider restructuring the scene to focus on Olive's internal turmoil and moral dilemma, providing more depth and nuance to her decision-making process.
Develop the interactions between Olive and Mrs. Griffin to be more nuanced and realistic, emphasizing the emotional complexity of their relationship and the consequences of their actions.
Build up the revelation about Mrs. Griffin's affair gradually throughout the script, creating a sense of suspense and tension that culminates in a more impactful and emotionally resonant moment.
Clarify the central conflict of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves to advance Olive's character arc and the overall thematic elements of the screenplay.
Smooth out the pacing of the scene by establishing a consistent tone and rhythm, allowing for moments of introspection and emotional depth to resonate with the audience.

Scene 38 - Regret and Redemption

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Olive sits and plays Jenga with Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both
are looking beaten down and very depressed and their minds are
on everything but the game.

MR. GRIFFIN
It's not your fault.
Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a block on the top and
it all topples.

OLIVE
That's imagery for you.

Mr. Griffin rakes the blocks into his own cardboard box, full of
his things. She starts to well with tears.

OLIVE
I'm so sorry.

MR. GRIFFIN
No. It's not your fault. You wanted
to right the wrongs. Even if they
weren't your wrongs to right.

He grasps her shoulders and looks her in the eyes.
110.

MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
I expect great things out of you.
Remember what Douglas MacArthur said
when confronted with a problem:
mountain get out of my way.

OLIVE
Montel Williams also said that.

He smiles and walks out, leaving Olive alone in the classroom.

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

OLIVE
(into webcam)
Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
just know, I was wrong to tell you
that. In that way. At all. I
shouldn't have done it. I don't feel
bad for lying for your wife. But I
hate myself for telling you the truth.
You were right: it wasn't my wrong.
I'm so sorry.

She holds up some papers. This time it's written in red shiny
bedazzled letters like her 'A.'

OLIVE
Part Five: Not With a Whimper But With
a Bang.

She pushes a button and "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter plays.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I told you I watch "American Idol."
But so do you, 'cause if you didn't
you wouldn't get the reference so suck
it.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

As we saw before, the Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside
of the school waving signs on wooden stakes. Olive steps out of
the school to see the demonstration. Her jaw drops. Things
have gotten way to out of hand.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Olive and Mr. Griffin discuss the situation over a game of Jenga. Mr. Griffin reassures Olive that it's not her fault, and Olive apologizes for her actions. After Mr. Griffin leaves, Olive apologizes to the camera and plays 'Bad Day' by Daniel Powter. As she leaves the school, she encounters the Cross Your Heart Club protesting outside.

Strengths

Emotional depth
Character development
High stakes
Humor

Weaknesses

Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Critique

The emotional depth and vulnerability of Olive and Mr. Griffin in this scene are well portrayed, but the dialogue could be more impactful and authentic to enhance the emotional connection with the audience.
The symbolism of the Jenga game falling down could be further explored to reflect the crumbling of Olive and Mr. Griffin's emotional state, adding layers to the scene.
The transition from Olive playing Jenga with Mr. Griffin to her addressing the camera in her bedroom feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the emotional continuity.
The dialogue between Olive and Mr. Griffin, while touching, could benefit from more nuanced and profound exchanges to truly capture the weight of the situation and their relationship.
The use of 'Bad Day' by Daniel Powter as a soundtrack choice adds a nice touch to the scene, but the reference to 'American Idol' feels slightly out of place and could be integrated more seamlessly.

Suggestions

Consider delving deeper into Olive and Mr. Griffin's emotional turmoil by refining the dialogue to be more introspective and poignant.
Explore the symbolism of the Jenga game further to enhance the visual storytelling and thematic resonance of the scene.
Smooth out the transition between the classroom interaction and Olive's webcam confession to maintain the emotional flow and coherence of the scene.
Enhance the emotional impact by crafting more profound and authentic dialogue exchanges between Olive and Mr. Griffin.
Integrate the soundtrack choice more organically by revisiting the 'American Idol' reference to ensure it aligns seamlessly with the emotional tone of the scene.

Scene 39 - Heart-to-Heart on the Mountain Top

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - NIGHT

Olive and Rosemary take in the view at night. Olive clutches
her American Girl doll on which she has sewn a red "A."
Rosemary listens, as a good mother does.

OLIVE
So now everyone who knows the truth is
either gone or won't 'fess up.
(MORE)
111.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Cross Your Legs Club is demanding
my head. And the messed up thing is
that I wouldn't put it past Gibbons to
expel me.

ROSEMARY
I had a similar situation when I was
your age.

OLIVE
Everyone called you a slut?

ROSEMARY
I had a horrible reputation and people
said awful things about me.

OLIVE
Why?

ROSEMARY
Because I was a slut. A big old slut.
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew. A heap. A peck. Mostly
guys.

OLIVE
Mom!

ROSEMARY
Well! It was a different time.

OLIVE
Ewwww!

ROSEMARY
Sorry, I got around. Before I met
Dad, I had incredibly low self-worth
and I spread my legs for anyone.

OLIVE
(holds up her doll)
Do me a favor and stuff this down my
throat so I asphyxiate to death?

ROSEMARY
It's true. And I was quite the
contortionist back then. Plus let's
not forget I had the boobs of a porn
star. I mean, out to here. I'm not
blaming you, but lactation was not
kind to Mama's tig 'ol bitties.

Olive shoves the doll in her own mouth.
112.

ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
I just want you to know that I also
took a lot of heat because of a
certain dalliance.

OLIVE
I promise it wasn't as bad as
Marianne Bryant's attack on me.

ROSEMARY
Wanna bet? It was her mother.

OLIVE
What?

ROSEMARY
Yup. Don Bryant and I got caught in a
very compromising and complicated
position in the locker room during a
basketball game.

OLIVE
That's disgusting! He's disgusting!

ROSEMARY
He wasn't back then. He was actually
a stone cold fox. All I'm saying is
that maybe the reason that Bryant girl
is going after you is because her
mother told her about me.

OLIVE
The sins of the mother are revisited
on the daughter.

ROSEMARY
There's something else you should
know. This is hard to say but... Don
Bryant is your father. Marianne is
your sister.

Olive turns white.

ROSEMARY
Just kidding!
(then)
Well, about the sister thing, not
about the Don thing. That happened.
Actually that happened a couple-few
times before we got caught.

Olive punches her mother, who's laughing hysterically.
113.

OLIVE
I hate you so much right now. Can't
you see I'm a mess!

ROSEMARY
No, you're not, Olive. You're
wonderful. And you're going to handle
this the same way I did. With an
incontrovertible sense of humor. But
you're much smarter than me, so you'll
come out of this much better than I
did.

OLIVE
(hugs her)
Thanks, Mom. I have to make some
phone calls.

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Olive and Rosemary have a candid conversation on a mountain top at night. Rosemary reveals her promiscuous past and jokes about Olive's father, leading to initial shock but eventual understanding. Olive decides to handle her school situation with humor and intelligence after a moment of bonding with her mother.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Emotional depth
Character development

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Less focus on plot progression

Critique

The conversation between Olive and Rosemary feels forced and unrealistic. The sudden revelation of Rosemary's promiscuous past and the fake revelation about Olive's father are jarring and out of place in the scene.
The dialogue lacks subtlety and nuance, relying heavily on shock value and crude humor. This detracts from the emotional depth of the scene and undermines the seriousness of Olive's situation.
The tone shifts abruptly from emotional vulnerability to crude humor, creating a disjointed and inconsistent atmosphere. This makes it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their struggles.
The scene lacks authenticity and fails to provide meaningful insight into Olive and Rosemary's relationship. The exaggerated and sensationalized elements overshadow any genuine moments of connection between the characters.
The use of shock tactics and inappropriate humor detracts from the overall impact of the scene and undermines the potential for a meaningful mother-daughter bonding moment.

Suggestions

Focus on developing a more authentic and emotionally resonant conversation between Olive and Rosemary. Explore their relationship in a way that feels genuine and relatable to the audience.
Consider toning down the shock value and crude humor in favor of more subtle and nuanced dialogue. Allow the characters to express themselves in a way that is true to their personalities and the gravity of the situation.
Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure a cohesive and impactful narrative. Balance moments of humor with moments of emotional depth to create a more engaging and compelling story.
Avoid relying on sensationalized elements and instead focus on building a meaningful and heartfelt interaction between Olive and Rosemary. Emphasize the bond between mother and daughter in a way that resonates with the audience.
Revisit the purpose of the scene and ensure that it serves to deepen the audience's understanding of Olive's character and her journey. Use the conversation between Olive and Rosemary to provide insight into Olive's growth and resilience.

Scene 40 - Olive's Defiant Performance and Confrontation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

It's a big pep rally. The dance team is dancing away attempting
to rile up the school with a wildly mediocre routine set to
"Umbrella" by Rihanna. They all hold umbrellas and open and
close them to the beat. Almost. In the stands, Rhi sits with
Marianne and Nina.

MARIANNE
Olive wasn't at school today.

She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.

MARIANNE
I'm so glad you're with us now.

RHIANNON
Me, too. You guys fucking rock.
MARIANNE
We don't say that word, Rhiannon.

NINA
Just say "effing" instead.

MARIANNE
We effing rock.

RHIANNON
But isn't that just implying the same
word?

MARIANNE
Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
teach you about Christianity. It's
okay to imply things.
114.

NINA
And even do things.

MARIANNE
It's all about presentation.

Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at her.
The dance team ends their routine and the marching band starts a
drum roll. Woodchuck Todd bounces out in costume pushing a
dumpster. The band begins to a jazzy version of "Knock on
Wood." Woodchuck Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive
pops out. She's dressed in a glittery and slinky red dress,
with a boa draped around her bare shoulder. She sings into a
hand held mic:

OLIVE
I don't want to lose you, this good
thing that I got. 'Cause if I do I
will surely, surely lose a lot.
'Cause your love is better than any
love I know.

Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster as she sings her ass off.
And she's actually really good.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
It's like thunder, lightning, the way
you love me is frightening. I'd
better knock, on wood, baby.

In the bleachers--

ZIA
Is that Olive?

EVAN
(in love)
Yeah.

Guys begin to wolf whistle and howl at her sheer brilliance.

OLIVE
Well I'm not superstitious about you
but I can't take no chance. You got
me spinnin', baby. Baby I'm in a
trance. It's like thunder, lightning,
the way you love me is frightening.
I'd better knock, on wood, baby.

She rubs her hands seductively over Woodchuck Todd's furry
costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the head to
reveal: Blue Devil Todd. The crowd goes wild.
115.

WOODCHUCK TODD
(sotto, to Olive)
John Hughes's got nothing on you.

She kisses him then continues--

OLIVE
It's like thunder, lightning, the way
you love me is frightening. I'd
better knock on wood baby. Oh yeah!

She walks up the stairs to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek,
leaving a big, red mark.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood.

She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop her.
She walks over to a couple of horn players, and runs her fingers
seductively over their (uh) instruments. The crowd goes wild -
some appalled, but most enthused. Olive sashays through the
crowd as the guys scream and stuff money down her bodice.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood. I
think I'd better knock on wood.

The place goes nuts and Olive takes Todd's hand.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
This is just a free preview. For the
main event log on to www.freeolive.com
tonight at 6PM. I know it conflicts
with tonight's basketball game, but
c'mon, would you rather be here
cheering on the Woodchucks...
(re: Todd, lasciviously)
Or watch me do one.

There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless. Gibbons
angrily storms over and takes the microphone.

PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Young lady, to my office. Now!

OLIVE
Yeah, I can't. I got a date with my
boyfriend. And the rest of the
school. And before you expel me you
might want to talk to Mrs. Griffin.

She points to Mrs. Griffin. Across the gym.
116.

OLIVE
I think she'll talk you into letting
me stay.
(into mic)
Go Woodchucks!

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK

OLIVE
(into webcam)
And here you all are. Waiting outside
the closet door for me to kiss Todd,
listening to me pretend to have sex
with Brandon, paying me to lie for
you, calling probably the last virgin
in school a whore. It was just like
Hester in "The Scarlet Letter."
That's one thing the movie and
Wikipedia don't tell you: how shitty
it feels to be the outcast. Warranted
or not.

Olive hears something from outside and she gets up. The camera
picks her up as she crosses the window and looks out.

INTERCUT:

Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Musical"]

Summary Olive boldly performs at a rally, sparking controversy. She confronts Principal Gibbons, leading him to question Mrs. Griffin. Seeking support, Olive turns to her mother's guidance, preparing to face the consequences of her actions.

Strengths

Engaging mix of humor and drama
Strong character interactions
Emotional depth in performance

Weaknesses

Some elements may be too over-the-top for some audiences
Character motivations could be clearer in certain interactions

Critique

The scene at the pep rally feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps from Olive's performance to interactions with other characters without a smooth transition.
The dialogue between Marianne, Rhiannon, and Nina feels forced and unnatural, especially the discussion about Christianity and implications of words.
The portrayal of Olive's performance as seductive and provocative may not align with the overall tone of the script, which focuses on her struggles with rumors and reputation.
The scene introduces a lot of new elements and characters without fully developing them, making it feel cluttered and overwhelming.
The transition from the pep rally to Olive's bedroom recording lacks a seamless connection, leaving the audience feeling disconnected from the narrative flow.

Suggestions

Consider streamlining the scene at the pep rally to focus on Olive's performance and its impact on the school community.
Refine the dialogue between Marianne, Rhiannon, and Nina to make it more authentic and relevant to the characters' personalities and motivations.
Reevaluate the tone of Olive's performance to ensure it aligns with the overall themes and messages of the script.
Introduce new elements and characters gradually to avoid overwhelming the audience and maintain a cohesive storyline.
Improve the transition between the pep rally and Olive's bedroom recording to create a smoother narrative flow and maintain audience engagement.

Scene 41 - Olive's Confession

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. OLIVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Music: "Laid" by James.

Todd is riding a lawn mower (a la Patrick Dempsey) and holding
up a boombox (a la John Cusack). Olive bursts into laughter,
but it couldn't be more romantic. She shouts down--

OLIVE
Who told you that I loved this song?
WOODCHUCK TODD
I guessed!

OLIVE
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you
know.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Fuck them. They've had enough of you.
Well, figuratively speaking. I
borrowed my neighbor's John Deere.
Come down here.

OLIVE
That rhymed.
117.

WOODCHUCK TODD
Intentionally.

OLIVE
Be right down.

Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she runs back to
the camera. Back to the webcam--

OLIVE (CONT'D)
That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
you any more confessions, but I'm
really in love with him. And I am
going to lose my virginity to him.
I'm not sure when. It could happen
five minutes from now or tonight or
six months from now or maybe on our
wedding night. But the really amazing
thing is that it's nobody's goddamn
business.
(as an afterthought)
Like, totally?

The screen goes dark. Back to our camera: the room is empty.
Olive is gone. After a beat, out the window WE SEE Olive
running across the grass. She jumps on Todd and tackles him off
the mower, kissing him the whole way. In broad daylight, for
the world to see.

FADE OUT:
OVER CREDITS:

INT. GYM - NIGHT

The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.
Maybe ten kids in the stands. One of whom is staring intently
at his laptop. It's Olive's webcam page. And she's not in the
room.

KID
What happened? Where'd she go?

MONTAGE

We see, from the perspective of their computer screens, various
reactions to Olive's webcast--

-- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A muscular black
guy comes up behind him and puts his arm around him.

-- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been
found out and who's days are numbered. They are.

-- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in
love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
118.

-- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while eating
chocolate cake.

-- Melanie Bostic watches with a group of girls.

MELANIE
Told you guys. Pay up.

-- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.

-- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.

-- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.

MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER
Micah? What are you doing in there?
(sternly)
You had better not be on the sin-
ternet.

-- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch. Ginger
is across the room holding a "King Fu Panda" DVD.

-- Zia is on his bed with a bottle of moisturizing lotion and a
box of tissues.

ZIA
(disappointed)
I thought she was going to take her
clothes off.

EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - SAME

Olive and Todd ride off on the lawnmower together. They raise
their fists a la Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.

OLIVE
Don't you forget about me.

FREEZE FRAME.

FADE OUT:

Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Todd surprises Olive with a romantic gesture, leading her to openly confess her love for him and her intention to lose her virginity. Despite mixed reactions from viewers of her webcast, Olive runs to Todd and kisses him in public, embracing her feelings and desires.

Strengths

Strong character development
Authentic dialogue
Emotional depth
Romantic resolution

Weaknesses

Limited external conflict
Predictable romantic resolution

Critique

The scene lacks a clear resolution to Olive's character arc and the overall story. While it is meant to be a romantic and empowering moment for Olive, it feels rushed and lacks depth.
The dialogue between Olive and Todd, while playful, could benefit from more emotional depth and authenticity to truly convey the significance of Olive's confession of love and intention to lose her virginity.
The transition from Olive addressing the webcam to running outside and kissing Todd feels abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
The montage at the end, while attempting to show various reactions to Olive's webcast, feels disjointed and disconnected from the main narrative, detracting from the emotional climax of Olive's confession.
The freeze frame ending, while a nod to classic teen movies, feels cliched and doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion to Olive's journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

Suggestions

Consider adding more depth to Olive and Todd's conversation to truly capture the emotional weight of Olive's confession and decision to lose her virginity.
Work on creating a smoother transition from Olive addressing the webcam to running outside to kiss Todd, allowing the moment to build up more effectively.
Reconsider the montage at the end and focus on Olive's emotional journey and the impact of her confession on key characters to provide a more cohesive and satisfying conclusion.
Explore alternative ways to end the scene that provide a more impactful and meaningful resolution to Olive's character arc and the overall story.
Consider incorporating elements that tie back to Olive's growth and self-acceptance throughout the script to create a more cohesive and resonant ending.