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Scene 1 - Return of the Baron

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

RETURN OF THE BARON
December 8, 2017 Rewrite

Written by
Jemaine Clement

Based on the film
What We Do In The Shadows
By Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

We see Guillermo, a human, standing in an old-fashioned
bedroom next to a coffin. He checks his watch.

GUILLERMO
(softly) It’s nightfall.

A muffled foreign accent comes from the coffin.

NANDOR (O.S)
Guillermo?

GUILLERMO
Yes, sir?

NANDOR (O.S.)
Is that you?
GUILLERMO
Yes, Master.

The coffin lid moves. It’s jammed.

NANDOR (O.S.)
It’s stuck again.

Guillermo goes to assist.

NANDOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
I think it’s the latch!

GUILLERMO (V.O.)
The job of a vampire’s familiar is
not an easy one.

GUILLERMO
It’s jammed!

Guillermo jiggles the lid of the coffin. It won’t open.

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO

GUILLERMO
A vampire’s familiar is kind of
like a best friend... who’s also a
slave, kind of?

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Coffin lid still won’t open. Guillermo is trying to jimmy the
latch with a butter knife.
NANDOR
WWDITS USA v23 Ocotber 8, 2017 2.
You’re not trying to pry it are
you? Don’t pry it. You’ll foul the
mechanism.
Guillermo quickly stops prying and puts the butter knife in
his pocket.

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Tomorrow night marks the 20th
anniversary of when I started
working for my master and I’m
pretty sure he’s planning something
special for me. I think tomorrow
will be when he makes me a vampire.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The latch has finally come open.
GUILLERMO
He awakens!
NANDOR elegantly arises from his coffin. Guillermo does a
double thumbs up.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Very cool, master. Super scary.

Nandor stays grinning revealing that he has vampire fangs.

NANDOR
Awaken the others...
GUILLERMO
(reluctantly) Okay.

OPENING CREDITS
We see images of our vampires throughout history. Coffins.
Fangs. The mediums they are depicted show a centuries-long
passage of time. Medieval woodcuts, tapestries, oil
paintings, encyclopedia photos of statues, cubist
paintings, silent film footage, photos from the late 1800s,
1920s, 1960s, 1980s, VHS footage, digital photos from the
early 2000s. Every few images, there’s a quick pop of
something frighteningly grotesque -- less artistic or
cultural vampire depiction, and with more of a crime-scene
photo feel. This is all to the song You’re Dead by Norma
Tanega.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 3.
EXT. MANSION - DUSK
A large, severely dilapidated mansion subtly stands out in a
quiet suburb.

INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
We are in a small library, within the vampire house.

NANDOR
No, we’re going to have a house
meeting!

LAZSLO
Didn’t we just have a house-
meeting in 1981?

NANDOR
That was in 1891, Lazslo.
LAZSLO
Oh, hell!
NANDOR
We’re doing it!

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
Interspersed with this seated interview, we see images of
Nandor in various battles, in armor and different garbs.

NANDOR
I have a reputation for being a
very tough kind of vampire.
Oil painting of Nandor in Ottoman clothing. As he speaks we
see illustrations of Nandor in battle.
NANDOR (CONT’D) I used
to be a very ferocious soldier in
the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a
lot of killing, a lot of
pillaging. They’d say have mercy!
Stop pillaging me! No, I’m
pillaging everyone! You included!
I was relentless. They called me
“Nandor the Relentless”. Because I
just never relent.

INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
NANDOR
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 4.
WE ARE HAVING A HOUSE MEETING,
OKAY! HOUSE MEETING!
LAZLSO
All right!

NANDOR
All right! Just think of it as a
fun way of catching up with each
other.

NADJA
This is worse than dying.

NANDOR
Oh. Sorry you feel that way,
Nadja.

NANDOR (O.S. FROM INTERVIEW) (CONT’D)
Co-habitating with other vampires
makes sense for financial reasons.
A lot of vampires spend a lot of
money on castles and fancy capes
then two hundred years later
they’re like - uh oh, now I’m in
an apartment wearing jeans.

NADJA
Begin. Say your boring words.
NANDOR That
doesn’t fill me with
confidence Nadja, but
okay.

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary Guillermo struggles to help his vampire master Nandor out of his coffin, while the vampires prepare for a house meeting in their dilapidated mansion.

Strengths

Humorous dialogue
Interesting depictions of vampires throughout history

Weaknesses

Lack of significant plot development

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written. It sets up the world and characters of the story in a clear and entertaining way. The use of interspersed interviews with the characters adds depth to their personalities and history. The opening credits sequence is engaging and sets a tone for the story.

One potential area for improvement is the pacing of the scene. There are moments where the dialogue feels a bit slow and could benefit from tightening up. Additionally, the description of the visuals could be enhanced to make them more vivid and impactful.

Overall, though, the scene is a strong introduction to the world of the story and the characters within it.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is solid and sets up the characters and their dynamics well. Here are some suggestions to consider:

- Consider tightening up some of the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of "It’s nightfall," Guillermo could simply say "Night has fallen."
- Consider adding more visual elements to break up the dialogue and give the scene more visual interest. For example, showing close-ups of the jammed latch or a shot of Guillermo's face to convey his frustration.
- Consider adding more humor to the scene to further establish the film's comedic tone. For example, Guillermo could make a sarcastic comment under his breath while struggling with the coffin lid, or Nandor could make a witty remark about his own powers while talking about the upcoming house meeting.
- Consider adding more description to the opening credits sequence to make it feel more exciting and engaging. For example, describe the specific historical eras that the images are depicting or highlight some of the most striking or gruesome visuals (as mentioned in the script).
- Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging. For example, maybe Guillermo is actually resentful of his position as a familiar and secretly wants to betray Nandor, or maybe there is a rival vampire group plotting against them and they need to prepare for an upcoming attack.

These are just suggestions, and ultimately, what you choose to do with the scene depends on your creative vision for the film. Good luck with the writing process!

Scene 2 - Vampire House Meeting

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
She looks like a Gothic queen wearing a HUGE ELIZABETHAN
COLLAR.

NADJA (O.S.)
It is nice staying in a house with
other vampires. The only people I
would speak to when I was in my
castle would be my “victims”,
which was sad. Because I ate them.
Because we had some nice
conversations.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 5.
INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
NANDOR
Before I get to the important
business at hand, a little
housekeeping. We need to discuss
general tidiness. Especially in
the cell.
NADJA
Which cell?

NANDOR
The prison-y cell! Last night I
heard all this shouting coming
from there and there were so many
angry people down there, half-
drunk!

LAZSLO
They had alcohol?

NANDOR
No, they had only been half drunk.
Drink the whole victim before you
start another new one, please.
There were nine people down
there, still kinda alive, all
moaning and complaining. Help
me... Help me...
NADJA
So gross.

NANDOR
It is gross. One guy said he’d had
five birthdays while he’s down in
there.
LAZSLO
Poor guy.

NANDOR
I made him some birthday cards.

NADJA
Should have just killed him.

NANDOR
And then I killed him.

LAZSLO
Oh, then what’s the problem?
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 6.
They hiss at each other, their eyes now glowing red.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO
Lazslo has an even larger ELIZABETHAN COLLAR than Nadja.

LAZSLO
This “house-meeting” - as he calls
it -- seems like just another foul
New World innovation Nandor is
trying to foist upon us. I do not
like it, sir.
We see footage of Lazslo writing in a dusty tome with a quill
pen -- by the light of a single candle. And squinting hard to
do so. In the background, Nandor switches on a table lamp.
Lazslo glares at him, and Nandor switches the lamp off and
backs away apologetically. And Lazslo goes back to squinting
very hard to read by candlelight.

LAZLSO
I suppose I’m kind of a
renaissance man in that I was born
in 1531. I was the most handsome
man in my village--

16th Century painting of Lazslo looking the opposite of that.

NADJA
His village was badly affected by
leprosy and the plague.

LAZSLO
(proudly) It’s true.
We see old drawings and paintings that illustrate Lazslo’s
story.

LAZLSO
One night I was asleep and I heard
a rrrrreeeep.... rrrrreeeppp...
rrrreeeeppp at my window and I
thought, “who’s this at my window?
This is weird” -- because I was on
the third floor and there was a
very beautiful woman outside just
floating there. I saw her and I
was just absolutely hypnotized.

NADJA
I used hypnosis on him.

LAZSLO
WWDITS December 8, 2017 7.
I invited her into my bedroom. She
turned into this hideous bat
creature, I thought, “this one’s
different”. She drained my blood.
Cursed me with the gift of eternal
life, making me a thirsty creature
of the shadows.
We see them in more prosperous times and through the ages.
Eastern European rulers in fine garb.
LAZSLO (CONT’D) Isn’t
she intoxicating? My Nadja,
Queen of the night.

Nadja stares, completely bored.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
We all get along great and the
house meetings will help us keep
the lines of communication open
and working together as a team.

Genres: ["comedy","horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates hold a house meeting to discuss the mess in the prison cell, while also reflecting on their past lives.

Strengths "Humorous dialogue, unique twist on vampire genre"

Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot developments, low emotional impact"

Critique Overall, this scene in the style of mockumentary effectively sets up the world and characters of What We Do in the Shadows. The use of interviews and footage give the feeling of a documentary, while the humorous and absurd content shows it is not to be taken seriously.

In terms of structure, the scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end. It starts with an interview with Nadja, which provides exposition about her character and sets up the mansion where the rest of the scene takes place. The middle consists of a meeting about the cleanliness of the mansion and the state of their prisoners, which shows the dysfunction of their living situation. Finally, the scene ends with separate interviews of Lazslo and Nandor, providing further backstory and character development.

The dialogue is witty and sharp, establishing the quirkiness of the characters. The use of jokes about vampire tropes, such as the birthday cards and Lazslo's appearance, add to the comedic tone. The introduction of levity during otherwise gruesome scenarios (such as the prisoners) is a hallmark of the film.

However, as a screenwriting expert, I would recommend tightening up some of the dialogue. A few lines are repetitive, and some could be cut down for a more efficient and impactful script. Overall, though, the scene is successful in introducing the audience to the world of the film and providing comedic moments.

Suggestions - The scene could benefit from more visual elements to break up the dialogue. Perhaps showing the characters doing something while they talk, or cutting to different shots or flashbacks, would make the scene more interesting to watch.
- The dialogue could be tightened up to make it more engaging and concise. Some of the quips and jokes feel forced and could be removed.
- The scene could benefit from a clearer direction or purpose. It's not clear why we are seeing the characters sit for interviews, and what the purpose of the "house meetings" are beyond general tidiness.
- Adding more conflict or tension between the characters could make the scene more dynamic. Right now, they all seem to get along and agree with each other too easily.
- Consider varying the tone or mood of the scene. Right now, it feels very lighthearted and comedic, but adding moments of darkness or suspense could create a nice contrast and keep the audience engaged.

Scene 3 - The Arrival of The Baron

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
Nandor and Lazslo FLY AT EACH OTHER, FANGS BARED. Lazslo
swipes at Nandor’s face. Nadja calmly watches.

NANDOR
It’s about hygiene, Lazslo!

LAZSLO
It’s about your ego, Nandor!
NANDOR
Hissssss!
LAZSLO
Hccccccccchhh!

NADJA
Why don’t we start writing our
names and dates on the victims
with marker pen!
Suddenly Nandor and Lazslo are normal sliding back into their
chairs like nothing happened.

LAZLSO
Great suggestion.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 8.
NANDOR
Good idea, Nadja. Marker pens,
Guillermo! And now we come to the
real purpose of this house
meeting. (takes an ominous beat)
Guillermo, close the door.
GUILLERMO
It is closed.
NANDOR
Close it more.
Confused, Guillermo pushes on the door as Nandor takes out a
fancy envelope - sealed with a wax signet and covered in
foreign stamps.
NANDOR (CONT’D) We have
received a letter from The Baron.
Nadja, Lazslo, and Guillermo react. This is a very serious
development.
NANDOR (CONT’D) As we
are all now -- finally -- gathered
as one, in compliance with the
protocols, I will impart The
Baron’s message.

Nandor opens the letter. What he reads stuns him.
NANDOR (CONT’D) The
Baron... is coming to visit us.

A dramatic pause of disbelief. Interrupted by...
GUILLERMO
(softly) Holy crap.

NANDOR
Silence, Guillermo. Vampire
comments only.

Guillermo nods.

NADJA
The Baron’s never left the Old
Country before. Does he say what
is the purpose of his visit?
NANDOR
No.

LAZSLO
When does the great one arrive?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 9.
NANDOR
(skimming letter) Um...
Guillermo... figure this out?
GUILLERMO
(reading) Tomorrow.

Guillermo seems quietly upset. So does Nandor.

NANDOR
Why didn’t you give this to me
earlier?

GUILLERMO
It just arrived this morning.

Nandor angrily shoos Guillermo away with the letter.

LAZSLO
(grandly) Let it never be said
that The Baron does not know how
to make an entrance that will
shock and astonish!
It’s obvious that Lazslo worships The Baron, while Nandor is
less impressed -- and even a bit jealous of The Baron.

NANDOR
Yes, yes. We’re all shocked and
astonished that The Baron has not
yet discovered Federal Express.
Guillermo laughs, but Nadja and Lazslo don’t get the
reference.
NADJA
Federal what?

NANDOR
You know -- Fed Ex. “When It
Absolutely, Positively Has To Be
There Overnight.” Fed Ex. I’m not
sure what it is.

LAZSLO
(suspicious) Have you been
secretly viewing a television box
again?

NANDOR
(covering) No. Of course not. It’s
just contemporary folk tale
Guillermo told me about.
Regardless, there is much work to
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 10.
be done. And precious little time
to do it.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
The Baron is great. As great as
his own legend? (shrugs) Not for
me to say.

Nandor shakes his head to say “No.”

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO
LAZSLO
(makes sure no one is listening)
My suspicion is that The Baron
has gotten wind of how Nandor has
been running things over here.
Straying too often from the old
ways. So this should be
interesting.

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
Nadja is speaking quietly, so as not to be overheard.

NADJA
I’m nervous about seeing The Baron
with Lazslo present. The Baron and
I enjoyed a very long, very
intense sexual affair a few
hundred years ago. Very physical,
very animal. A lot of acrobatic
stuff. It could be awkward.

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO

LAZSLO
Many bloodlines flow back to The
Baron! The powers that flow
through our veins are rumored to
be an eternal gift from The Baron
himself.
(MORE)
LAZSLO (CONT'D)
(beat, then quietly) Also, a while
back, The Baron and I enjoyed a
very long, very intense sex
affair. Very animal. Some pretty
WWDITS December 8, 2017 11.
acrobatic stuff. It will be good
to reconnect.

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates receive a letter from The Baron and learn he is coming to visit them. They discuss the potential implications of The Baron's visit, including potential power struggles and awkward sexual tension between Nadja and Lazlo.

Strengths "The tension between characters and the reveal of The Baron's arrival creates intrigue and sets up stakes for the rest of the season. The use of humor adds a layer of irony to the dark theme. The character dynamics are established well."

Weaknesses "Some of the jokes may be too niche or obscure and the use of interview footage towards the end may feel a bit gimmicky to some viewers."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals character traits for each of the vampires. Nadja’s suggestion to write on victims with marker pens is a good example of the macabre humor that runs throughout this show. The reveal of the impending visit from The Baron creates a sense of tension and sets up what is likely to be the main conflict of the episode.

If I were to offer some constructive criticism, I would say that the action of Nandor and Lazslo flying at each other feels a bit abrupt and unearned. Given the situation and their personalities, it doesn’t quite seem like something they would do. It might be more effective to build up to this moment with some other exchanges that further demonstrate their tension.

Additionally, while the solo interview segments with each of the vampires provide some interesting insights and add depth to the characters, they could benefit from some more specific details or anecdotes to make them feel more fully realized. For example, while Nadja’s backstory with The Baron is intriguing, it might be more compelling if we had some more specific details about their relationship or situations they’ve been in together.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene that effectively sets up the main conflict of the episode and reveals important character details and dynamics.

Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene could be:

1. Increase the physicality of the fight between Nandor and Lazslo to make it more engaging for the viewers.

2. Make Nadja's suggestion to write names and dates on victims with marker pen more gruesome to show the true nature of the characters.

3. Develop the conflict between Nandor and Lazslo further to create more tension throughout the scene.

4. Show the reactions of the characters in a more dynamic way to emphasize the seriousness of The Baron's visit.

5. Make the connection between Nadja and The Baron more clear and impactful. This will create a more interesting and complex dynamic between the characters.

6. Utilize the solo interviews with the characters to delve deeper into their individual reactions and thoughts about The Baron's visit. This will give the audience a better understanding of each character and their motivations.

7. Introduce more humor into the scene to break up the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Scene 4 - The Baron's Visit

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 10

INT. MANSION. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Nadja rejoins Nandor, Lazslo, and Guillermo, who are
gathered around the table. Nandor is looking at the planning
notes he’s written on an eighty-year old yellow legal pad.

NANDOR
So... Guillermo will transport The
Baron from his point of
debarkation to here--

LAZSLO
On a velvet-lined caisson drawn by
four black horses!

NANDOR
Yeahhhhh... I know that’s the
tradition, but let’s be realistic.
So perhaps just two black horses?
Guillermo? Do-able?

GUILLERMO
Not on such short notice, Master.

They all sit and think.
NANDOR
A dark camel?
GUILLERMO
Maybe a taxi?
NADJA
A black taxi.

Lazslo nods his head.

NANDOR
Okay, great. Now, as for The
Baron’s bloodfeast...

NADJA
We should get a couple of virgins.
LAZLSO
Lovely!
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 12.

NANDOR
Guillermo, two virgins by tomorrow
night?

GUILLERMO
Of course, master.

LAZSLO
We shall feast on virgin blood!

The vampires laugh. Guillermo does his best to join in.

NANDOR
Vampire-only laughing.

Guillermo hangs his head.

LAZSLO
Are we inviting Colin as well?

NADJA
That would ruin the evening.

A very ordinary looking man, mopey even, stands at the

COLIN ROBINSON
What’s ruining the evening?

NANDOR
(to Guillermo)
I knew you didn’t close the door.

COLIN ROBINSON
Are we having another house
meeting?

INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON

COLIN ROBINSON
Hello, my name is Colin Robinson
and I’m what’s called a psychic
vampire or “energy vampire”.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Colin has someone trapped in a corner of an office.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.)
Energy vampires drain people’s
energy merely by talking to them.
(MORE)
doorway.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 13.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In fact you probably know an
energy vampire. We’re the most
common kind of vampire.
Colin’s office mate loses color before our eyes. Colin looks
energized. His eyes glow for a brief moment.
COLIN ROBINSON I just
drained Joan’s energy just by
having a long chat.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON
COLIN ROBINSON It’s
actually cooler to be an energy
vampire. We are “daywalkers”,
we’re not harmed by the sun. We
don’t need to drink blood and
we’re the only vampires that can
suck energy from other vampires!

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
COLIN ROBINSON
So, we’re not having a
house meeting?
The other vampires, their energy drained, just shake their
heads.
COLIN ROBINSON (CONT’D)
Oh.

Colin lingers creepily, and leaves the room way too slowly.
NADJA
Phew.

LAZSLO
(exhausted) His power grows
stronger every day.

EXT. LANE - NIGHT

Lazslo and Nadja in matching outfits are out for a walk.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA AND LAZSLO
NADJA
We left Europe about two hundred
years ago because there was a lot
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 14.
of prejudice against vampires in
Europe at that time.
Era-appropriate illustration of people with flaming torches.
And a brief flash of a decapitated vampire head on a pike.

LAZSLO
They didn’t like the color of our
skin.

NADJA
Or how we killed and ate people.

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
NADJA (V.O.) We must
be careful when walking
amongst the living so we do
our best to blend in.
Nadja and Lazslo do not blend in. They look like the most
intense goth couple you’ve ever seen. They eye human prey.
NADJA
They look nice.

LAZSLO
No, he looks fatty and drunk.

NADJA
Keep your voice down. We must seem
as mortals lest we be driven from
this land as well.

A couple of COLLEGE BROS walk over the bridge.
COLLEGE BRO 1
Go back to your own country!

LAZSLO
We’ve been here since 1862, fatty!
The College Bros look confused. Lazslo waves his hands
hypnotically.

LAZSLO (CONT’D)
I mean... our family has... fatty.

The College Bros lose all memory of the interaction they’ve
just had and walk onward. Watching them go...

NADJA
WWDITS December 8, 2017 15.
It’s getting early. Let’s just
make an apertif of these two and
save our appetites for the virgins
tomorrow.

LAZSLO
Fine. But you get the fatty.

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates plan for The Baron's visit, including the transportation and blood feast arrangements. Colin Robinson, the energy vampire, interrupts their meeting and drains their energy before leaving the room slowly. Nadja and Lazlo go for a walk and encounter prejudice from some college bros.

Strengths "The scene uses humor effectively to explore the themes. It introduces a new character and sheds more light on the vampire roommates."

Weaknesses "The scene is mainly focused on planning and discussing logistics, which may be boring for some viewers. The prejudice encountered by Nadja and Lazlo is not explored in depth."

Critique The scene is well written and has good pacing, humor and character development. The dialogue between the vampires and Guillermo is entertaining and the introduction of Colin Robinson as a psychic vampire adds an interesting element to the story. However, some of the jokes around his character could hit too close to home for some viewers. Some parts of the scene could benefit from a clearer action line to provide more visual description for the audience. Overall, the scene sets up the upcoming story elements in an engaging and amusing way, and effectively establishes the characters’ personalities and dynamics.

Suggestions One suggestion would be to have more action in the scene instead of just dialogue. For example, showing Guillermo trying to figure out transportation options or the vampires actually hunting for victims in the park. This would add more visual interest and keep the audience engaged. Another suggestion would be to add more tension or conflict to the scene, such as the possibility of the vampires being discovered or running into obstacles in their preparations. This would create more suspense and make the scene more memorable.

Scene 5 - Preparing for The Baron's Visit

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
The College Bros walk in the park. Lazslo and Nadja are now
magically in front of them. The Bros pause... turn the other
way, the camera follows them. Out of nowhere Nadja and Lazslo
now magically block them from the other direction.
COLLEGE BRO
Ahhhhh!
Nadja and Lazslo fly at them and pull the into the air.
Geysers of blood, horrific screams, and the crunch of
chomped cartilage. Then silence. A blood-soaked red
baseball cap lies in the gutter, while Nadja and Lazslo wipe
blood from their faces.

LAZSLO
Not bad! And now, shall we explore
each other’s bodies in a frenzy of
carnal passion, yes?

NADJA
All right, but not here, by the
public toilet. And you got some on
your face.
LAZSLO
Oh.
From the front we see half of Lazslo’s face is completely
covered in blood.
LAZSLO (CONT’D)
Is it gone?

He ineffectually wipes his face but it’s still very bloody.

NADJA
Still some there.

LAZSLO
I’ll fly home and wash... and
prepare for lovemaking.

Nadja has seen something in the distance.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 16.
NADJA
(distracted)
Yeah, okay. I’m going to walk.

LAZSLO
Well, you know how I feel about
walking. If I can turn into a bat,
I won’t do it! BAT!
Lazslo clicks his thumbs and turns into a bat, flies, crashes
into a pole, corrects himself and successfully flies away.
Nadja peers from behind a tree at a A MAN sitting on a bench
reading from his phone.

NADJA
(to herself)
Can it be?
THE MAN gets up and walks away. Nadja glides silently behind
him.

INT. NANDOR’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo is helping Nandor out of his ornate waking-hours
vestments, and hanging them carefully on a museum-quality
tailor’s dummy.

NANDOR
Careful with my vestments,
Guillermo! A light touch is
crucial...
GUILLERMO
I know, sir.

NANDOR
The gold in that brocade came from
the personal--

GUILLERMO NANDOR (CONT'D)
...the personal treasury of ...the personal treasury of Vlad
The Impaler, I know. Vlad The Impaler himself!

NANDOR (CONT’D)
The Baron will probably still be
on Old World time, so his slumber
cycle might be all messed-up.
GUILLERMO
Yes, sir.

NANDOR
WWDITS December 8, 2017 17.
We don’t want him waking up in day
time and being barbecue meats.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO (V.O.)
In some ways I’m disappointed that
The Baron is arriving on my
anniversary of being a familiar
but how often do you get to see an
ancient vampire?
Along with Guillermo’s interview we see him perform tasks.
Sometimes with Nandor. Opening curtains, sweeping, washing
out blood-stains, hanging Nandor’s vestments carefully on a
tailor’s dummy, adjusting the antennas on the tiny 1970s
television that Nandor does indeed secretly watch, boarding
up windows.

NANDOR
And also, block all of the
upstairs windows. Huge sunlight
risk.

Back to the interview.

GUILLERMO
When I saw Antonio Banderas as
‘Armand’ in Interview with a
Vampire. 1994. I was blown away.
He was the first Hispanic vampire
I was exposed to and it was then I
decided I wanted to be a vampire.
We see Guillermo in a photo from 20 years ago in an
illfitting vampire costume. He makes an unconvincing Antonio
Banderas but we know what he is going for.

EXT. MANSION. NIGHT

Guillermo opens the door for Nandor.

NANDOR
It seems an eternity since I
ventured out of doors. How long
has it been, Guillermo?

GUILLERMO
Not since I’ve known you.
Nandor floats out the front door. Guillermo closes it.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 18.
NANDOR
My cape is caught in the door!
Guillermo, can you free my cape?
Maybe I should just wear my short
cape.

Guillermo fusses with the door.
NANDOR (CONT’D) Is
the brocade okay? How’s the
brocade looking?

GUILLERMO
Intricate and undamaged, Master.

NANDOR
Good. Now, take me to the nearest
purveyor of decorative supplies
for revelry and debauchery!

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates plan for The Baron's visit while dealing with a potential power struggle and awkward sexual tension. Colin Robinson drains their energy, and Nadja and Lazlo encounter prejudice from college bros while hunting.

Strengths "Strong character personalities. Well-balanced mix of horror and comedy."

Weaknesses "Limited emotional impact and character development."

Critique Overall, the scene seems to be trying to mix horror and comedy, but the execution falls flat. The sudden violence with the College Bros feels gratuitous and the transition to the comedic dialogue between Nadja and Lazslo feels jarring. The dialogue itself is also not particularly witty or clever. The scene with Guillermo preparing Nandor for the arrival of The Baron is more successful, as it establishes the characters and their dynamic, but even here the dialogue could use some polishing to make it more engaging. Overall, the scene needs more thought put into how the horror and comedy elements can effectively complement each other and move the story forward in a meaningful way.

Suggestions - The scene starts abruptly without any establishing shot or context. Adding a bit of setup, like showing the Bros walking peacefully before Nadja and Lazslo magically appear, could give the scene more tension and surprise.
- The violence and bloodshed could be toned down for a wider audience. Instead of showing geysers of blood and crunching cartilage, the scene could use suggestion and off-screen sounds to convey the horror.
- The transition from violence to humor and sexual innuendo feels too sudden and jarring. Some pacing and tonal adjustments could make the scene flow more smoothly.
- The subplots of Guillermo preparing for the arrival of The Baron and his fascination with vampires could better integrate with the main scene. Perhaps a mention or a brief glimpse of The Baron or other vampires could tie everything together.

Scene 6 - Preparations for The Baron's Visit

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. STATIONERY STORE - NIGHT
Nandor is examining a roll of black crepe paper from the
shelf -- fascinated -- having never seen such a thing
before.

NANDOR
So deliciously macabre. What is it
called again?
GUILLERMO
Crepe paper.

NANDOR
Exquisite. Also, get me some of
that colorful dust that sparkles.
GUILLERMO
Glitter?

NANDOR
Yes. Get me some... “glitter”.
Every color.

GUILLERMO
What for, master?

NANDOR
I want to do something special for
The Baron’s arrival so I’m going
to sprinkle some on my face and my
body. Very... (sotto) Twilight.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 19.
GUILLERMO
Ugh. Wow. But okay. What’s the
crepe paper for?

NANDOR
For The Baron’s bloodfeast.
(explaining) In the Old Country,
we’d weave a canopy out of the
flayed human skin. But I think
that’s because we didn’t have
crepe paper.

GUILLERMO
You want I should ask up front if
they have anything that looks more
like the flayed skin?

NANDOR
No, Guillermo. Thank you.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
Guillermo is my familiar but
sometimes he’s a lil too
“familiar”, know what I mean? He’s
always hanging around me. He works
hard but, he’s not great at it. I
don’t like to say this kind of
thing in front of him, of course.
WIDEN TO REVEAL: Guillermo is actually sitting right next to
Nandor.
NANDOR (CONT’D)
Sorry Guillermo. I didn’t
like saying that in front of
you.
GUILLERMO
That’s okay, sir.

NANDOR
Can you see how he’s just always
around me? Look at him.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 20.

INT. STATIONERY STORE - NIGHT

Guillermo peruses the store. He sees something. He approaches

GUILLERMO
Master. Check it out. So macabre!

Guillermo holds up one of those cardboard skeleton
decorations one uses for kids’ birthday parties. Nandor sighs
wearily then waves his hand -- and the cardboard skeleton
cutout bursts into flames in Guillermo’s hands. Guillermo
drops it and stamps it out. Guillermo walks away crestfallen.

AT THE CASH REGISTER
STORE OWNER
And that’ll be 79.85. Cash or
credit?

GUILLERMO
Credit card.

NANDOR
You can’t pay with that, throw him
a metal coin.

Nandor throws a coin at the store owner.

STORE OWNER
That’s 25 cents sir.

NANDOR
Enjoy it!

STORE OWNER
It’s not enough.

NANDOR
Stab this man.

GUILLERMO
Just credit card.

NANDOR
You kind of disobeyed me just now.
And I’m noting it. It’s because I
didn’t like the skeleton, isn’t it.

Nandor..
WWDITS December 8, 2017 21.
A pause.

EXT./INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
We see from a long lens Nadja floating outside of the window
of the Man from the park. The Man flops onto his bed. Kicks
off one shoe. Half pulls down his pants. It’s a sad sight.
NADJA
It’s him.
The Man clumsily turns off his light. It’s dark now. Nadja
tries to peer in. She sees nothing. Suddenly, his face is lit
up by his phone screen. By his expression he seems to be
masturbating. Nadja holds up a 1940s flash bulb camera and
takes a photo with the bright flash. Suddenly the lamp turns
on... the Man runs to the window holding his pants up. No one
is there. The Man looks through his now open window. A trash
can falls over. He puts his head out. The window comes down
and nearly takes off his head.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Overburdened with decorations, Guillermo tries to bring up
his anniversary.

GUILLERMO
Can you tell me about when you
became a vampire, Master? How long
did you wait?

NANDOR
Not that long. Hey, any progress
on those virgins yet?

GUILLERMO
I know an awesome place to find
virgins.

Genres: ["horror","comedy"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit, discussing transportation and the blood feast. Nandor shops for decorations and Guillermo tries to bring up his anniversary. Nadja takes a photo of a man masturbating and Lazlo and Nadja encounter prejudice from college bros while hunting.

Strengths "The witty and dark humor of the scene stood out as a strength, as well as the continuation of the potential power struggle and tension between Nadja and Lazlo."

Weaknesses "The scene lacked a strong sense of conflict and emotional impact, and some of the dialogue felt forced or overly expositional."

Critique This scene is well-written, with good dialogue and clear characterizations. It effectively establishes the strange and macabre world of the show while showing the dynamics between Nandor and Guillermo. The dialogue is witty and balanced, with the characters bouncing lines back and forth.

However, there are some areas for improvement. The scene feels a bit disconnected and lacks a clear purpose or conflict. Additionally, there is a lack of action or movement, making it feel static. It would benefit from some more movement or tension to keep audiences engaged.

Overall, while the scene is enjoyable, it could use some more narrative drive to keep audiences interested.

Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to lack focus and purpose. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

- First, it's unclear why Nandor is in a stationery store and what he's trying to accomplish there. Perhaps there could be a clearer objective, such as finding materials for the upcoming bloodfeast.
- The dialogue between Nandor and Guillermo feels a bit random and disjointed. There could be more of a narrative thread tying the conversation together.
- The moment where Guillermo shows Nandor the cardboard skeleton decoration doesn't lead anywhere. It might be better to cut this moment or have it tie into a larger plot point.
- The scene where Nadja spies on the Man and takes a photo of him masturbating feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Perhaps it could be integrated into a larger plot point or cut entirely.
- The conversation between Nandor and Guillermo about finding virgins at the end of the scene feels abrupt and out of left field. It might be better to introduce this plot point earlier in the script and build up to it.

Overall, it would be helpful to establish clearer objectives and plot points in this scene to keep the action moving and the audience engaged.

Scene 7 - LARPing Virgins and Vampire Plans

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT
A modest Live Action Role-Play group are dressed in their
idea of fantasy clothes - e.g. Someone might wear a
feathered hat, a cape and Fila shoes. The uncoolest thing
you have ever seen. The LARP group playing out a scene.
Larper Girl throws some dice.

LARP GIRL
Nine - Confrontation!

JENNA
This ale is poisoned, peasant!
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 22.
JONATHAN
How dare you make that false
accusation sir! I have poisoned
not your ale, wench!

The other Larpers mock outrage at the language.

JENNA
Didst thou callest me wench,
troll?

Guillermo speaks quietly to cam.
GUILLERMO (T.C.) These
Live Action Role-Playing groups
have a very high ratio of adult
virgins. It’s harder to find
someone who isn’t a virgin here.
ANGLE ON: Jonathan and Larper 2 are gingerly fighting with
wooden swords. The other LARPERS ARE AMUSED. They laugh and
cheer.
GUILLERMO (T.C) (CONT’D)
Look at them dressed as elves or
some shit.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
NADJA
In the old country, centuries ago,
I was in a very passionate love
with a human man called Gregor. He
was a knight, he wore armor, he
was very cool. He was decapitated
in a battle and it was sad. But I
never really got over Gregor. Even
when I met Lazslo.
Lazslo floats past the doorway, struggling with a boot. An
older woman (Lazslo and Nadja’s silent familiar JUNE) follows
him patiently, trying to help.

LAZSLO
You will go on my foot, boot!

Nadja waits to make sure Lazslo is gone.

NADJA
The man I saw tonight -- I think
it was him.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 23.
We see a beautiful baroque painting of a man in armor
recoiling from a sword with an anguished face. It certainly
seems to be the same man although a lot cooler.

NADJA (CONT’D)
I think he is the reincarnation of
my ex-boyfriend, Gregor.
We are now closer on the face of the painting. This is
crossfaded with the photo Nadja took of the man caught
masturbating. It’s the same face with the exact same
expression. Back to Nadja looking concerned.

LAZSLO
Why doesn’t foot rhyme with boot?
Foot. Boot. Fooooot. Booooot. Ah!
I did it! I’m going to write you a
poem darling!

INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT
In the distance Guillermo is showing Jonathan and Jenna
photos on his phone.

GUILLERMO
Check this shit out.
JENNA
Woah.

GUILLERMO
We got swords, we got crossbows,
we got all kinds of medieval shit.
Come tomorrow night, 9pm. Don’t be
early.
Guillermo gives the thumbs up to the camera. Mouths
“virgins”.

INT. MANSION - WESTERN WING - NIGHT
Nandor is leading Nadja and Lazslo through a dark, dusty
hallway.

NADJA
I’ve never been in this part of
the house.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 24.

NANDOR
No one has for 80 years. I’ve
preserved these chambers unsullied
that we might have an appropriate
location for a ceremonial
bloodfeast, should The Baron ever
visit.

Some bats fly out a doorway.

LAZLSO
(to camera)
Those are just some vampire buddies
of mine.

NADJA
They are just normal bats.

LAZLSO
That’s Jeremy and Carol!

NADJA
No vampire would be called Jeremy.

NANDOR
Another plus? If we have The
Baron’s ceremony here, you-know-who
won’t even need to know. I mean
Colin.
Nandor opens an old door.

Genres: ["comedy","fantasy","horror"]

Summary The scene jumps between a Live Action Role-Play group and the vampire roommates preparing for The Baron's visit. In the LARP group, a confrontation takes place while Guillermo comments on the group's high virgin ratio. Meanwhile, the vampire roommates plan for The Baron's ceremonial bloodfeast and discuss Colin Robinson's potential interference.

Strengths "The scene's strengths lie in its humorous and unexpected commentary on LARPing culture, as well as the further development of the vampire roommates' conflicts."

Weaknesses "The scene does not have significant emotional impact and the Baron's visit is not explored in depth."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear direction and dialogue. However, as a screenwriting expert, I would offer the following critiques:

1. The scene could benefit from a clearer sense of purpose. While it is entertaining to see the LARP group and Nadja's flashback, it is not clear how these scenes advance the overall plot.

2. The dialogue between the LARP group feels a bit forced and unnatural. It may benefit from more nuance and character development.

3. The camera directions and descriptions could be simplified and streamlined to avoid crowding the page with unnecessary information.

4. More attention could be given to visual elements, such as lighting or set design, to enhance the mood and atmosphere of the scenes.

Suggestions Suggested improvements:

1. Add more visual and sensory details to the scene to bring out its humor and absurdity. For example, describe the nerdy costumes and props in more detail, such as the wooden swords and the dice.

2. Use more dramatic tension and conflict to drive the scene forward. Instead of just having the Larpers play out a scene, create more stakes and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

3. Develop the characters' personalities and motivations more fully. For example, explore why Jenna accuses Jonathan of poisoning her ale and what their history is together. Also, show why Guillermo is so fascinated by LARPing and why he is mocking the other characters.

4. Introduce some surprises or plot twists to keep the audience engaged. For example, reveal that Nadja's ex-boyfriend might be the same person caught masturbating earlier in the film, or create a conflict between Nandor and Colin over the use of the mansion for a bloodfeast.

5. Strengthen the dialogue and humor in the scene. For example, use more irony or satire to poke fun at the LARPers, or create some witty banter between Lazslo and Nadja.

Scene 8 - Preparations and Encounters

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

It is a normal, brightly lit bedroom. Colin’s in there.
COLIN ROBINSON
Ever heard of knocking?

NANDOR
Colin? What are you doing in here?

COLIN ROBINSON
This is my bedroom.

LAZSLO
Oh.

COLIN ROBINSON
How can I help you?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 25.

NADJA
We are just saying hi.
(pause)
Hi.

COLIN ROBINSON
I’ve never had someone visit me
before.

NADJA
Okay, good to see you! Bye!

COLIN ROBINSON
Hey, what’s happening tomorrow
night?
NANDOR
Nothing.

LAZSLO
Not having virgins for dinner!!

Colin looks disappointed. He knows. Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo
head back the way they came.

NANDOR
(quietly) There’s another unsullied
chamber down in the basement.

LAZSLO
The Baron is accustomed to the
grandest blood-halls and abattoirs!
Our junk room is not fit for him!

NANDOR
We can move the Stairmaster out of
there.

LAZSLO
Good idea. Never understood its
supposed use anyway.

NANDOR
It’s said to improve fortitude and
stamina.

LAZSLO
Didn’t even work as a torture
device. Just made our victims very
skinny, very slowly.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 26.
EXT. DOCKS - DAWN
Guillermo signs a bill of landing on a clipboard, as a large
wooden crate is off-loading from a ship. An ancient, silent,
odd-looking man -- THE BARON’S FAMILIAR -- stands nearby.

EXT. MANSION - MORNING
Guillermo supervises as THREE REGULAR GUYS unload the crate
from a battered BLACK VAN that has MOISHE’S MOVERS on the
side and carry it into the house. The Baron’s Familiar keeps
one hand reverently on the top of The Baron’s coffin.

INT. MANSION. BASEMENT
As The Baron’s Familiar looks on, Guillermo uses a crowbar to
pry open the wooden crate, revealing a beautiful, ancient
coffin with intricate carvings on it.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
As Nadja talks about Gregor we see different versions of him
through history. Some with her alongside him.

NADJA
Gregor was reincarnated again as a
Persian street thief, he was
caught and they beheaded him “to
teach him a lesson” and it did
stop him to be honest. Then many
decades later he returned as a
beautiful Slovenian washerman. We
did manage to fool around a couple
of times but apparently she got
her head chopped off in a toilet
cleaning accident, don’t ask me
how. Weird. A lot of beheadings. I
just noticed.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK
Nadja stands in the long shadows of late dusk. Every part of
her body is covered, protectively, including a black hat with
a dark veil. But still, we can see that she is physically
weakened, and has taken a great risk to come out before it’s
completely dark. The Man leaves his building. As he passes...
NADJA
Man? Human man?

He doesn’t turn.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 27.

NADJA (CONT’D)
Gregor!

NADJA (CONT’D)
It is you.

MAN
What did you say?

NADJA
Gregor, the centuries have not
changed you.

MAN
Oh. My name’s Jeff.

NADJA
Jeff...

JEFF
Oh wait... I remember you.

NADJA
From a past life long ago.

JEFF
Ah... From the park last night?
NADJA
Gregor.

JEFF
No, Jeff.
NADJA
Gregor De’Lavoir.

JEFF
No, Jeff Leibenstein. But... you
know what’s weird?

NADJA
What is weird Gr.. Jeff
Leibenstein?

JEFF
When I was in 12th grade I used to
wish my name was Greg.
NADJA
As in Gregor.

He turns.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 28.
JEFF
As in Greg.
NADJA
Wow.

Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit while encountering prejudice from college bros. Colin Robinson drains their energy. Nadja has a chance encounter with a man she believes to be her reincarnated lover, Gregor.

Strengths "Darkly humorous tone, interesting character dynamics, and a mix of creature feature and mockumentary style storytelling."

Weaknesses "Somewhat slow-moving and lacking significant plot developments."

Critique The scene lacks clear goals and conflicts. The dialogue is mostly just characters stating facts or reiterating what was already established, and there is no clear tension or stakes driving the interactions. Additionally, the formatting could use improvement, with inconsistent and cluttered formatting making it difficult to read. The scene also seems disjointed and disconnected from the larger story, lacking a clear purpose in terms of plot or character development. Overall, the scene needs clearer goals, conflicts, and stakes, as well as improved formatting and better integration with the larger story.

Suggestions 1. Add more visual description and sensory details to bring the scene to life and immerse the audience in the setting. For example, describe the decor of the bedroom to convey more about Colin's personality and taste.

2. Build up tension or conflict in the scene to make it more engaging. Perhaps Colin is hiding something or is suspicious of their visit. Or maybe Nadja, Nandor, and Lazslo are not just there to say hi - they have ulterior motives.

3. Develop the characters more and give them unique personalities and quirks to make them more memorable and interesting. Colin could have a dry sense of humor or be particularly obsessed with a certain hobby or interest.

4. Use dialogue that reveals more about the characters or moves the plot forward. In this scene, the dialogue is mostly small talk and not very impactful. Perhaps have Nadja ask Colin for advice or information about something, or have Colin reveal a secret to them.

5. Think about how this scene fits into the overall story arc and make sure it is necessary and contributes to the plot in some way. If the scene doesn't add anything new or move the story forward, consider cutting it or combining it with another scene.

Scene 9 - Preparing for The Baron's Visit

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

EXT./INT. FRONT FOYER OF THE MANSION - NIGHT

Nandor is lighting candles in a big candelabra.

NANDOR
Guillermo? Will the virgins be
arriving soon?

GUILLERMO
Yes, Master. Fingers crossed.
NANDOR
Aaaaaarrrghhh! (then) Oh, it’s only
a finger cross. Don’t do that.

The doorbell rings.

GUILLERMO
Dinner is served.

Nandor and Lazslo roll their eyes at Guillermo’s attempt at a
joke. Guillermo opens the door and welcomes in Jenna and
Jonathan from the LARP group.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Jenna. Jonathan. So pleased you
could make it.

JENNA
Well, this house is officially
creepy.
JONATHAN
Yeah. Very authentic.

Nandor and Lazslo eye Jenna and Jonathan skeptically.

NANDOR
Hi!!! Are you the two virgins?

JONATHAN
I don’t see how that is any of your
business.

NANDOR
So, yes. What about you?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 29.
JENNA
Well, my boyfriend and I haven’t
met IRL.

LAZSLO
What?

GUILLERMO
In real life.

NANDOR
He’s fictional?

JENNA
No, we met online. We’re planning
an IRL meet later in the year. F2F
is a big step for us.
LAZSLO
What language is this?

JONATHAN
I’m not a virgin. In my last
relationship we did quote pretty
much everything unquote...

NANDOR
Except sex?

JONATHAN
A gentleman mage doesn’t tell of
his conquests sir.

NANDOR
Well done, Guillermo.

EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Jeff walks along and Nadja glides along beside him.

NADJA
I must go soon.

JEFF
Right. Okay.

NADJA
I just came to beg of you: Avoid
dangerous activities -- especially
those involving the head and/or the
neck.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 30.

JEFF
Yeah, I pretty much stick to just
cardio and weights.

NADJA
Uh huh. I simply couldn’t bear
losing you. Again.

JEFF
Okay.

NADJA
So, are you a knight?

JEFF
Yeah! Well, a night watchman at a
supermarket.

NADJA
Protector of the people.

JEFF
Oh, not really. Ha.

Nadja laughs like Jeff is a hilarious.

NADJA
My sweet Gregor-Jeff! I’d forgotten
what a brilliant raconteur you
were! I must leave you now. But I
will find you again!

JEFF
Okay, well if you want to get
coffee...
NADJA
Oh, Gregor -- remember that time we
made love so passionately that I
accidentally cut your head off? And
then I kept going till my needs
were met? Let's do that again. But
maybe without the knifeplay.

JEFF
Do what now?

She’s gone.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Weird.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 31.
INT. MANSION BASEMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
Guillermo is leading Jenna and Jonathan down a basement
hallway.

GUILLERMO
So the party is going to start in
a little while. Why don’t you guys
just have a seat in here and I’ll
come get you when--
Guillermo opens the door to a room. There are people with
writing on their heads. E.g. Nadja - September 15 2016,
Lazslo June 2010? They’re milling about -- gruesome,
halfdead lost souls. One of them is strapped to a wall,
moaning.
GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Oops. Why don’t we wait up in
the kitchen?

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates, with the help of Guillermo, prepare for The Baron's visit, while encountering prejudice from college bros and dealing with Colin Robinson's interference. Nadja has a chance encounter with a man she believes to be her reincarnated lover.

Strengths "The scene effectively juggles multiple storylines and character arcs, while maintaining the show's comedic tone. The interactions between the characters are entertaining and memorable."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear central plot point and fails to fully develop some of its subplots."

Critique Overall, the scene demonstrates a strong understanding of character and humor. The interactions between Nandor and Guillermo, and the skepticism of Jenna and Jonathan, are particularly effective in establishing the comedic tone. However, the scene could benefit from clearer visual descriptions and pacing to further enhance its comedic impact. Additionally, the reveal of the basement hallway and the tortured souls feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene, and could benefit from further development or setup earlier in the episode.

Suggestions 1. The scene lacks clear stakes and purpose. It needs to be restructured to drive the plot forward and create tension.

2. The dialogue needs to be streamlined and more impactful. Eliminate unnecessary banter and focus on character motivations and conflicts.

3. The setting needs to be described in more detail to create a vivid and creepy atmosphere. Engage the senses and create a sense of foreboding.

4. Consider adding a visual element to break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually engaging, such as characters interacting with the environment or props.

5. Work on character development by giving each character a clear arc and motivation. Explore their relationships and how they interact with each other.

6. Finally, add a twist or surprise element to keep the audience engaged and interested in the story. Unexpected revelations can keep viewers on the edge of their seats.

Scene 10 - The Baron's Visit

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

INT. BASEMENT CHAMBER - NIGHT
Which looks very subterranean and spooky. Candelabras and
torches. (But there’s still an old StairMaster in the back
that looks too heavy to move, which has been covered in
black crepe paper.) Guillermo has propped The Baron’s coffin
up at the head of the table, but it’s still sealed shut. The
Baron’s Familiar stands at attention just behind the Baron’s
coffin. Nandor and Lazslo are sitting at the coffin’s right
and left. Nadja and Lazslo’s silent familiar JUNE stands
nearby. A bat flutters in, then transforms into Nadja, who
takes a seat at the table.

NADJA
Boy, are my arms tired.
LAZSLO
You’re late!

NANDOR
(formally) We three are gathered
as one, as the protocols dictate.
So the ceremony can commence.
Guillermo? Can you open The
Baron’s caske--
But before Nandor can finish speaking, The Baron’s casket
slowly opens with the sound of heavy wood or stone creaking.
Its contents are enveloped in a heavy mist, from which
emerges...
A truly scary vampire. Long fangs, drawn face, wispy hair,
pale skin.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 32.
It is naked, has no genitals and has wing-like flaps of skin
under its armpits. Even Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo seem
frightened of its form. It begins speaking, in a horrifying
ancient Latin tongue, which sounds like a backwards-talking
person from Twin Peaks with the voice of Bane.

THE BARON
Ne la materia che mai non dorme re
de I fenomeni re de le forme--

NANDOR
My Sire? If I may? That we might
comprehend you more clearly?
English please.

NADJA
The old tongue has withered with
us, like nightshade in a desert.

LAZSLO
I totally remember him as having
genitals.

THE BARON
(still horrifying voice timbre)
Does this suit you better?

NANDOR
My Sire? Just so as not to
frighten our familiars? Perhaps a
form that could pass for human?
ANGLE ON: Guillermo and June, both in shock at The Baron’s
form. Despite their familiarity with the supernatural,
they’re both paralyzed with fear and have tears trickling
down their cheeks. Another flash of light and smoke, and The
Baron transmogrifies into into a slightly less-scary form: a
large half-man, half-bat, whose breath forms a mist as if
his mere presence has reduced the room’s temperature to sub-
zero.
THE BARON
How’s this?
NADJA/LAZSLO/NANDOR
Perfect./I liked the first
way./Still a bit scary.

NANDOR
Guillermo? Fetch the virgins.

Guillermo exits hastily.

THE BARON
WWDITS December 8, 2017 33.
I am weary from my journey.

LAZSLO
Before you start, Sire, I’d just
like to go on record as saying
that the old ways are the best
ways. And for too long we here may
have been led astray by the allure
of the new.

NANDOR
Inaccurate and unfair.

LAZSLO
You’ll notice “crepe” paper
instead of actual human skin.

NANDOR
Kind of a dick move to bring this
up at this particular juncture,
Lazslo.

THE BARON
(so loud it shakes plaster off the
ceiling and extinguishes some of
the candles)
SILENCE. I have come with a
message.

The Baron now has their full attention.
THE BARON (CONT’D) The
Old World is dead. The Old Ways
are over. The New World -- this
“Amrika” as you call it -- is our
lifeline to an eternal future.
NANDOR
Say what now?

THE BARON
Have you forgotten why I sent you
three here in the first place?
Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo all think -- but they obviously
have forgotten.
THE BARON (CONT’D)
The mission.

NANDOR
(to interview camera) I don’t know
what he’s talking about, mission.
I came here by mistake.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 34.
THE BARON
You were supposed to conquer the
New World! Two hundred years have
passed with no progress! And here
you be: the land of opportunity
spread before you like a blood
banquet. And yet you hide in the
shadows.
NADJA
We go out...

THE BARON
...instead of engaging with this
wonderful New World -- a land that
virtually thirsts for a new order
of masters and supplicants.

NANDOR
A fair point. But on the other hand-

THE BARON
Your idleness and sloth have left
you mired in irrelevance. But no
longer! The Great Plan
recommences now! And the world
will not soon forget this
hallowed night when a decree went
forth. The human race will
forever lament... (to Nandor)
What is this place known as?
NANDOR
Staten Island.

THE BARON
The human race will forever lament
the night their end was foretold
in... Staten Island.

Lightning and thunder flash outside. Then a long silent beat.

LAZSLO
I’ve been saying we should do something like this
for years, Master. Nandor rolls his eyes at how quickly
Lazslo has flip-flopped.
THE BARON
This “Staten Island” -- it is the
cultural and political capital of
the New World, I trust?

NANDOR
WWDITS December 8, 2017 35.
(pause) Some say. I mean, there’s
an argument to be made...

NADJA
It’s where the boat dropped us
off.

LAZSLO
For at least two hundred years
I’ve been saying we should
relocate to
New Amsterdam, but--

THE BARON
Enough. Now I must slumber. Wake
me when your great work is
complete.

NANDOR
Of course. But... um... what kind
of time frame are we looking at
here?
THE BARON
Silence.

LAZSLO
(quietly) My Lord, are you hungry
after your trip because we--
THE BARON
SILENCE.

LAZSLO
Oh, you mean complete silence.
NADJA
Shut up, man.

LAZSLO
You said the last thing. And now
you made me. Great.
With a flash of light and smoke, The Baron lies back in his
casket, which closes on its own. And then there is silence.

LAZSLO (CONT’D)
Well. A lot to unpack here.

NADJA
Shall we get in the virgins? Hate
to let them go to waste.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 36.
NANDOR
I feel so dumb that I wore
glitter.

Nandor pulls a velvet sash that rings a bell upstairs. Lazslo
turns to the Baron’s Familiar.

LAZSLO
I don’t believe we’ve been
properly introduced. I’m Lazslo.
Very old, very, very good friend
of the Baron.
The Baron’s Familiar just stares straight ahead, ignoring
Lazslo.
LAZSLO (CONT’D) Okay.
We can catch up after you’ve
settled in.

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit, where they learn of a mission they have forgotten, and The Baron is disappointed with their lack of progress. They discuss plans to take over the New World using Staten Island as their base of operations.

Strengths "The tension and fear felt by the characters is palpable and provides strong motivation for their actions and plans."

Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition, which slows down the pacing and can feel overwhelming at times."

Critique Overall, the scene sets a spooky and ominous tone and effectively introduces The Baron as a powerful and intimidating figure. The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and conflicts, particularly between Lazslo and Nandor. The twist that they have forgotten their original mission to conquer the New World adds intrigue and raises the stakes for their future actions.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The description of the setting could be more visually specific, and the use of candelabras and torches feels cliché. The sudden appearance of the bat turning into Nadja is a bit jarring and could benefit from a smoother transition. Additionally, some of the comedic moments, such as the debate over the location of their arrival and Lazslo's attempted conversation with The Baron's Familiar, feel forced and could be trimmed for a tighter pace.

Overall, with some minor tweaks, this scene has the potential to be a strong addition to a supernatural comedy or horror script.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and captures the spooky, eerie atmosphere of a vampire gathering. Here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Trim dialogue: There are some moments where the dialogue feels a bit repetitive or could be condensed. For example, when Nadja says "We go out..." and The Baron interrupts, the interruption could be skipped since it's clear The Baron wants to make his point. Also, the exchange between Lazslo and Nadja about the boat dropping them off could be removed since it doesn't add much to the scene.

2. Clarify character motivations: It's unclear why Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo have forgotten their mission to conquer the New World. Is it because they got distracted by the new culture, or because they didn't take the mission seriously to begin with? The scene could benefit from a bit more backstory to make their motivations clearer.

3. Increase tension: While the scene builds tension with The Baron's scary transformation and thunderstorm outside, there could be more of a sense of urgency or conflict. Perhaps there's a deadline for the vampires to complete their mission before another group of vampires takes over, or some other external pressure that raises the stakes.

Overall, the scene is well-written and captures the eerie atmosphere of a vampire gathering. With a few tweaks, it could be even more effective.

Scene 11 - Anniversary Gift for Guillermo

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
NANDOR
Be honest though, The Baron was
kind of a dick.

LAZSLO
Shh. He’s very powerful.

NANDOR
You think he heard me?

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
GUILLERMO
I was too late.

The two virgins’ eyes are glazed as Colin drones on and on.

COLIN ROBINSON
...so in the long run it’s
actually cheaper to lease a pre-
owned vehicle than to buy one. And
if you factor in insurance and
maintenance...

NANDOR
Oh, great! Colin has drained them
of all their energy! The perfect
end to a perfect evening.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 37.
INT. NANDOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo is helping Nandor out of his ornate vestments.

NANDOR
I’m not sure The Baron understands
how big the New World is. I mean,
where he’s from, you conquer three
villages, you’ve basically
conquered the whole country.

GUILLERMO
I’m sorry Colin got to the
virgins. I’ve kept them alive
though.

NANDOR
Separately, I assume. Would hate
to have them de-virginize each
other before we all get a bite.
GUILLERMO
Of course, Master.

NANDOR
You’re glum, Guillermo. You think
that I’ve forgotten that tonight
is a special night for you as
well, don’t you?

Guillermo brightens bashfully.
NANDOR (CONT’D) And does
not an anniversary call for a
reward recognizing your years of
service?
GUILLERMO
I am ready, Master.

NANDOR
Good. Prepare yourself...
Guillermo closes his eyes and bares his neck. Not noticing
that Nandor has pulled something from his coffin.
NANDOR (CONT’D)
Okay, open your eyes.
Nandor hands Guillermo a hand-made glitter picture of
Guillermo and Nandor. Nandor is proud of it.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
Happy anniversary, Guillermo.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 38.
GUILLERMO
Oh. Well. Thank you, master.

NANDOR
Savor it. It’s the real reason I
wanted all that glitter.

Guillermo doesn’t know whether to be touched or insulted.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
You deserve it. Two years of
service.
GUILLERMO

...Twenty years, sir.
NANDOR
Oh, okay. Close my coffin please.

As Guillermo helps Nandor into his coffin...

GUILLERMO
Slumber soundly, Master.

A disappointed Guillermo closes the lid of Nandor’s coffin.
He tidies the capes on the rack. Takes a moment. Then angrily
rips the brocade off the cape.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Frickin brocade...

END

Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary Nandor gives Guillermo an anniversary gift while discussing The Baron's disappointment and the importance of taking over the New World.

Strengths "The witty dialogue and chemistry between the characters, especially Nandor and Guillermo."

Weaknesses "Not much happens plot-wise, and the conflict and stakes are relatively low."

Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of character development and humor. The humor is supernatural and witty, and the writing captures the personalities of the characters well. However, there are some areas that could be improved.

One issue is that the action is too fragmented. There are several short scenes, and it can be difficult to keep up with the constant shifts in setting. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced, especially in the kitchen scene. The conversation about leasing a pre-owned vehicle seems out of place and doesn't add much to the plot or the character development.

Overall though, the humor and character moments carry the scene and make it entertaining to watch. With a few tweaks to the pacing and dialogue, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions Overall, the scene serves its purpose of wrapping up the story and resolving some character arcs, but there are some suggestions that can make it more engaging and memorable:

1. Add more tension: The scene feels too relaxed and lacks the tension that typically builds up in the final scene of a movie. Consider adding some conflict or stakes that make the audience feel invested in the outcome.

2. Utilize the setting: The scene takes place in different rooms of the house, but the setting is not used to its full potential. Consider making the house feel more like a character and using it to enhance the atmosphere and tension.

3. Add humor: The humor in the scene is subtle and understated. Consider adding more comedic moments that make the audience laugh out loud and help the scene feel more memorable.

4. Clarify character motivations: Some of the character motivations are not clear, such as why Nandor gives Guillermo a glitter picture. Consider adding dialogue or actions that make the characters' motivations more explicit.

5. Raise the stakes: The scene feels too low stakes for a final scene. Consider adding higher stakes or consequences for the characters' actions to make the scene feel more impactful.