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Scene 1 -  Elliot's Paranoid Awakening
Mr. Robot
Pilot




Written by

Sam Esmail




Polish
May 27, 2014


Universal Cable Productions
100 Universal City Plaza
Bldg. 1440 / Floor 14
Universal City, CA 91608




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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOT TO BE DUPLICATED WITHOUT PERMISSION.
This material is the property of Universal Cable Productions Development LLC and is intended solely for use by its personnel.
The sale, copying, reproduction or exploitation of this material in any form is prohibited.
Distribution or disclosure of this material to unauthorized persons is also prohibited.
“Our democracy has been hacked. The operating system has been
taken over and turned to uses that are somewhat different than
the ones our founders intended to emerge.” - Al Gore, 2013


“Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank,
and he can rob the world.” - Internet Meme, c. 2011
2.

BLACK.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Hello friend. Hello friend? That’s
lame. Maybe I should give you a name? *
But that’s a slippery slope. You’re
only in my head. We have to remember
that.
(then) *
Shit. It’s actually happened. I’m *
talking to an imaginary person. *

Loud, violent jazz RISES on the soundtrack. Within the black
of frame, silhouettes begin forming.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
I sometimes think dinosaurs never
existed. For absolutely no scientific
reason do I think this. I have
chronic insomnia. I think aliens are
real. I think they’re invisible and
staring straight at us. I also
believe there’s a shadowy group of
rich people who secretly run the *
world.
We pull out to reveal we’re in an office looking out of a very
tall Manhattan skyscraper. Shadowy figures sit and stand
around a conference table, arguing.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m talking about the ten or fifteen
zillionaires that we don’t know
about. The guys who control the guys
that control. The guys that play God
without permission.
CUT TO BLACK.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
And now I think they’re following me.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - MORNING
We finally meet ELLIOT (late 20s). His hoodie throws a sliced
shadow over his face. *

He sneaks looks at a couple of mysterious MEN DRESSED IN
BLACK, one on either side of the train. One reads the NY Post.
The other looks straight ahead, suspiciously so.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
This is about last night. I should
have gone to Angela’s birthday party--
3.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot, a young man struggling with insomnia, finds himself on a subway train with mysterious Men Dressed in Black. He questions his own sanity as he believes he may be followed by a shadowy group of elites. The scene ends with Elliot feeling regret over missing Angela's birthday party the night before.
Strengths
  • Effective use of voice-over
  • Establishes protagonist's mindset and tone
  • Intriguing setup for the series
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the protagonist's mindset and sets up the tone for the series. The use of voice-over and visual storytelling creates a sense of unease and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a protagonist who is paranoid and skeptical of the world around him is compelling and sets up interesting conflicts and themes for the series.

Plot: 7

The plot is mainly focused on setting up the protagonist's internal conflict and establishing the tone of the series. It effectively introduces the audience to the world of the show.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex and troubled protagonist, delves into themes of power and control, and sets up a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere. The dialogue and narration feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The protagonist's character is well-developed through his internal monologue and actions. The mysterious men in black add intrigue and set up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist's character undergoes a subtle shift as he realizes the extent of his paranoia and the potential threats around him.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to make sense of his own thoughts and fears, particularly his paranoia and belief in conspiracy theories. He is struggling with his own mental health and sense of reality.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to navigate the mysterious men following him and the sense of danger he feels. He is trying to protect himself and understand the situation he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is mainly internal in this scene, as the protagonist grapples with his own thoughts and fears. The presence of the mysterious men in black hints at external conflicts to come.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elliot facing mysterious figures following him and a sense of danger and paranoia. The audience is left wondering how he will navigate these threats.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, but the sense of impending danger and mystery creates intrigue for the audience.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up the premise of the series and introduces key elements that will drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sense of danger and mystery surrounding Elliot's situation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of power and control, with Elliot questioning who really holds the reins of society and how much influence they have over individuals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and intrigue, drawing the audience into the protagonist's paranoid mindset.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is introspective and sets up the protagonist's mindset effectively. It reveals his paranoia and skepticism towards the world.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, complex protagonist, and intriguing setup. The audience is drawn into Elliot's world and eager to learn more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a mix of slow, introspective moments and fast-paced action. It keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with a focus on visual storytelling and character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, blending voiceover narration with visual storytelling to create a sense of disorientation and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Elliot in a black void talking to himself, which sets an intriguing tone but may be confusing for the audience initially.
  • The voiceover narration by Elliot provides insight into his character and thoughts, but it may be too heavy-handed and could benefit from more subtlety.
  • The introduction of the mysterious Men Dressed in Black on the subway adds an element of suspense and intrigue, but their purpose and connection to Elliot could be clearer.
  • The transition from Elliot's inner thoughts to the subway scene feels abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • Elliot's reference to believing in aliens and a shadowy group of rich people running the world sets up interesting themes, but they need to be further developed and integrated into the story.
  • The mention of Elliot regretting missing Angela's birthday party adds a personal touch to his character, but the significance of this event and its impact on the story could be more clearly established.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Elliot's inner thoughts and the subway scene to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Develop the connection between Elliot's beliefs in aliens and a shadowy group of rich people running the world to add depth to his character and the overall story.
  • Clarify the role and significance of the Men Dressed in Black on the subway to enhance the suspense and intrigue surrounding Elliot's situation.
  • Integrate Elliot's regret over missing Angela's birthday party more effectively into the story to establish its importance and relevance to the plot.
  • Explore ways to balance the voiceover narration by Elliot with visual storytelling to convey his thoughts and emotions more subtly and engagingly.



Scene 2 -  Elliot Confronts Phil
INT. PHIL’S COFFEE (FLASHBACK) - NIGHT

A small coffee shop with a few patrons. A cheesy sign that *
reads “Phil’s Coffee” displays proudly above. Elliot sits by *
himself, hoodie on, no coffee. His leg taps nervously.

Elliot intently watches as a mild-mannered Indian with a *
mustache walks into the shop. This is PHIL (50s). *

He orders a latte from the front and sits alone. He pulls out *
his iPad and sips his latte, enjoying the quiet evening to *
himself. *

Elliot musters courage with a deep breath and walks over. He *
sits across from him without saying a word, his leg twitching. *

Finally, Phil looks up. *

ELLIOT *
You’re Phil. *

He nervously gestures to the cheesy sign. Confused, Phil just *
offers a quick smile in return-- *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
But your real name is Rohit Pathak. *
(nervous and robotic) *
You changed it to Phil when you *
bought your first Phil’s Coffee shop *
six years ago. Now you have seventeen *
of them with eight more coming next *
quarter. You married an American *
woman named Linda Fielding, age *
thirty-one, then had two kids with *
her. Smallbiztrends.com said your *
life was so perfect it felt like “the *
stuff of sitcoms.” *

An awkward silence. Phil licks his lips, not sure if he should *
be flattered or concerned. *

PHIL *
(thick Indian accent) *
May I help you with something? *

ELLIOT *
I liked coming here because the WIFI *
was fast and with no dropouts. It was *
good. So good that it scratched that *
part of my mind-- the part that *
doesn’t allow good to exist without *
condition. So, I snooped on the *
traffic and that’s when I noticed *
something strange in the filenames-- *
4.


Elliot looks down, nervous to go on. But he looks back up with *
confidence. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
That’s when I decided to hack you. *

Another awkward silence. Phil goes to say something-- *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
I know you run a website called *
Lolita City. *

Alarms suddenly go off in Phil’s world. *

PHIL *
Pardon me? *

ELLIOT
You use the company servers to run it
through Tor networking,

SUPER: “Tor Networking - a system intended to enable online
anonymity”

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Routing the traffic from shop to
shop, making it virtually
untraceable. You made it really hard
for anyone to see it.

Even though Elliot came off a little amateurish at first, his *
confidence builds as he continues to talk. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
But I saw it. With all the public *
info out there on you; birth dates, *
anniversary dates, family names, *
pets... *
(clears his throat) *
I cracked your password in three *
minutes. *

Angry and confused, Phil eyes Elliot carefully. *

PHIL
Sir...What is the meaning of this?

ELLIOT
(back to nervous)
Sorry, I’m a little nervous. It’s my
first time doing this in person.

PHIL
(firm)
Sir, I must ask you to kindly leave--
5.


Phil turns to the man working the register--

ELLIOT
I downloaded everything. All your
emails, all your files, all
your...pics.

Phil turns back around. This just got serious, and it shows.

PHIL
(angry)
Get out of here right now, sir, or I
will call the--

ELLIOT
FBI? Do you want them to find out
about the 100GB of child pornography
you serve to your 400,000 users?
That’s a lot of bandwidth, of course,
which explains the higher than usual
speeds on all your shops’ internet
connections.

Phil is stunned silent. For a moment, all that can be heard is
the soft musak and quiet sipping of coffee from the other
patrons. Phil looks down, cornered and speechless. Elliot
looks genuinely sympathetic.

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
Personally, I was hoping it was just *
going to be BDSM stuff. Do you *
realize how much simpler that would *
have been? *

PHIL
So, you are not with the police?
(off his head shake)
Then this is illegal. This is
forbidden, sir. I did not hurt
anyone, I never did-- that is my
business, my personal life!

All the blood in Phil’s face as drained. He wipes his eyes as
emotion begins to fill his face. Elliot looks at him, a mix of
pity and guilt.

ELLIOT *
I understand what it’s like to be *
different. I’m very different too. I *
mean, I don’t jerk off to little *
kids, but...I don’t know how to talk *
people. My dad was the only one I *
could talk to. But he died. *
6.


At first, Phil is unsure on how to proceed. But sensing an
opportunity, he takes a deep breath and nods sympathetically.

PHIL
I’m sorry to hear that. How did he
pass, if I may ask?

ELLIOT
Leukemia. Definitely got it from the
radiation at the company he worked
at, though we couldn’t prove it. Now
he’s dead. The company’s fine though.

PHIL
My father passed when I was young
too. I was close to him, exactly like
you...

His mind clearly elsewhere, he can’t help but start crying.
Elliot genuinely feels for him.

ELLIOT
Can I call you Rohit? I prefer your
real name. Phil is kinda lame. *

Phil looks up and wipes away his tears. He nods.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Rohit. It’s okay. I’m not gonna turn
you in.

For the first time since we’ve seen him, Phil is relieved,
though still concerned. Elliot looks out the windows, as if
looking for something.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
If you do what I say, and pay me what
I ask, we’ll both come out of this
happy. Sitcom happy.

PHIL
(scoffs, shakes his head)
So, that is what this is about?
Money. That is all you care about.
No. If I pay you now, you will want
more and more. No matter how much I
give, you will inform the police
anyway. I won’t pay you, sir.
Remember, you also broke the law.

Elliot notices something outside the window and nods.

ELLIOT
Actually, you’re right. Partly.
7.


Elliot stands, putting his oversized bookbag on.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
After looking at your calendar, I
knew you were coming here. You always
have a nightly check-in at all of
your stores once a month. You’re a
good boss like that. I waited until
you came to this one. This one was
more convenient for me.

Phil looks around, wondering what Elliot is talking about.

PHIL
I do not understand.

ELLIOT
See, I usually do this kind of thing
from my computer. This time, I wanted
to do it AFK.

SUPER: “AFK - Away From Keyboard”

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
I’m trying to work on my social
anxiety. But there’s always the
threat of you fleeing after I call
you out. You’d tell your webmaster to
take the servers down, delete the
dirty pics and mpegs. So, I took the
liberty of making sure to include the
current time and location on my
anonymous tip--

PHIL
(desperate, nervous)
Wait, hold on! I will give you the
money. I will pay. How much do you
want?! I will pay!

Sirens can be heard. Lights swirl outside the windows.

ELLIOT
That’s the part you were wrong about,
Rohit.
(shrugs)
I was just fucking with you about the
money.

FBI AGENTS race into the shop as Elliot breezes past them,
heading out, leaving the chaos to surround the destroyed Phil.
8.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense coffee shop confrontation, Elliot accuses Phil of running the illegal website Lolita City. Elliot threatens to expose Phil's activities unless he pays up, revealing his true motive: setting Phil up for the FBI. As the FBI arrives to arrest Phil, Elliot walks away, leaving Phil facing the consequences.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Reveals and twists
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a well-crafted mix of tension, emotion, and unexpected turns that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a paranoid young man confronting a seemingly successful businessman with a dark secret is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a series of revelations and twists that drive the tension and conflict to a climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the confrontation between a hacker and a criminal, with unexpected revelations and moral complexities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Elliot and Phil are well-developed, with complex motivations and conflicting emotions that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Elliot and Phil undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 9

Elliot's internal goal is to confront Phil about his illegal activities and potentially seek revenge for personal reasons. This reflects Elliot's need for justice and closure, as well as his desire to overcome his social anxiety and assert himself.

External Goal: 8

Elliot's external goal is to expose Phil's illegal activities and potentially blackmail him for money. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting a dangerous criminal and seeking a resolution to the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elliot and Phil is intense and multi-layered, driving the scene towards a dramatic climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elliot confronting Phil about his illegal activities and forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including the threat of exposure and the involvement of law enforcement, add urgency and tension to the confrontation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and revelations that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and twists in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of hacking and confronting criminals. Elliot's actions challenge Phil's values and force him to confront the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to sympathy and understanding, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and revealing, effectively conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic dialogue, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and gripping, but it may come off as too heavy-handed and unrealistic in its execution.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and overly dramatic, especially with Elliot's detailed exposition of Phil's personal life and illegal activities.
  • The transition from Elliot's nervousness to confidence feels abrupt and could be more subtly portrayed.
  • The emotional exchange between Elliot and Phil, while attempting to humanize both characters, may feel contrived and melodramatic.
  • The resolution of the scene with the FBI raid may seem too convenient and lacks a sense of believability.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the exposition and making Elliot's discovery of Phil's illegal activities more organic and believable.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense through subtle cues rather than relying on heavy-handed dialogue.
  • Work on developing the characters of Elliot and Phil more authentically to create a more nuanced and realistic interaction.
  • Explore different ways to resolve the conflict between Elliot and Phil that feel more grounded and less melodramatic.
  • Consider adding layers to the scene to make it more complex and engaging, while still maintaining a sense of realism.



Scene 3 -  Subway Paranoia and Workplace Tensions
INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - MORNING

Back to present day, Elliot snaps awake. He eyes the two MEN
IN BLACK who still sneak looks at him.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Now I’m being followed. The higher *
ups don’t like someone with my *
powers. In three short minutes, I *
destroyed a man's business, life, *
existence. I deleted him-- *

On the far end of the packed train, a blonde man YAWNS loudly.
He looks like a disheveled Californian who’s been forced to
relocate. He wears cargo pants and what looks like a gas
attendant shirt that reads: Computer Repair With A Smile.
Below it, a logo reads MR. ROBOT (40s).

He looks at Elliot with a stoner’s smile as he brushes his
scraggly beard. Elliot doesn’t smile back. Across the crowd of
people, the man shouts:
MR. ROBOT
Hey sonny, what’s happening?
Elliot doesn’t answer. Instead, he looks away, pretending he
didn’t hear him.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
It’s an exciting time for the world
right now. An exciting time...
Mr. Robot lies on his back, returning to his homeless slumber.

EXT. NYC STREETS - LATER
Elliot walks through the crowded streets of New York,
carefully avoiding the touch of other humans. He carries a
huge bookbag on his back.
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - LATER

He walks into the modest offices of AllSafe Cybersecurity, as
announced by the boring, corporate logo.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
But I’m only a vigilante hacker at
night. By day, I’m a hired one, just *
a regular cyber security engineer, *
employee number 0652.
9.


INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - GIDEON’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The AllSafe boss, GIDEON NORTON (40s), a bearded metrosexual
with adult braces sits while ANGELA (20s), a blonde girl-next-
door trapped in the prim and proper veneer of a private school
upbringing, looks down at him sternly.

ANGELA
Gideon, I can do it.

Not wanting to respond, Gideon lets his attention get
distracted by Elliot. He shouts through his glass doors:

GIDEON
Elliot, in here!

Elliot nervously walks in, curiously looking at Angela who
pretends he’s not even there. Gideon passes a file to him.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
They were hacked again. Last night.

Elliot looks over the notes.

ELLIOT
What am I looking at? Is this the
code? This was a RUDY attack.

SUPER: “RUDY Attack - Also known as R-U-Dead-Yet? This tool
attacks by starving available sessions on the web server until
they die”

Concerned, Gideon nods. Elliot shakes his head, impressed more
than he usually is.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
This is awesome--

ANGELA
Gideon, will you please answer me?

GIDEON
(to Elliot)
You think that’s awesome? This is
killing us, Elliot!

ANGELA
Gideon, I’m not leaving--

GIDEON
Angela, let’s just see how the
meeting goes today. They’re getting
hacked every week now. Who knows if
they’ll still even be with us.
10.


ELLIOT
They’re coming in?

Gideon’s look confirms it. He looks at Elliot’s hoodie.

GIDEON
What’d we say about the dress code?

Elliot sheds his hoodie, revealing an oversized, button-downed
dress shirt underneath. He hates it.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
(re: file)
Look over that, be ready this
afternoon.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - HALLWAYS
Elliot and Angela walk out. Elliot smells something on her.

ELLIOT
Did you start smoking again?
ANGELA
(ignores his question)
Did you not get my texts last night?
I sent you exactly thirteen of them.
ELLIOT
Yeah, I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it--
ANGELA
(looks at him)
You promised me that you would try
this time.

FLASHBACK: Last night, Elliot nervously walks up to the
entrance of a packed bar. Through the big windows outside he
sees Angela, laughing, smiling, drinking with friends.
Elliot’s hand goes for the door, but his hand trembles--

ANGELA (CONT’D)
Stop thinking about something else
when I’m talking to you. I hate when
you do that.

ELLIOT
Sorry, I was thinking about work.
ANGELA
You’re such a kiss-ass. Maybe that’s
why Gideon loves you so much. He
thanks me all the time for bringing
you in. But for some reason, I think
you secretly hate it here.
11.


ELLIOT (V.O.) *
She was right. I liked most of the *
people, but our business-- a cyber *
security firm that protects *
corporations-- not so much. *
ELLIOT
No, it’s cool. I like it here.

ANGELA
I’m sorry, I’m just in a bad mood.
I’ve been late on my last two student
loan payments and I can’t get Gideon
to give me a raise--

A slick, good-looking Persian named ALI (20s) walks up and
kisses Angela.
ALI
(to Elliot)
Yo, bud. Missed you last night, where
were you?
ELLIOT
Gotta go. Big meeting today.
Elliot doesn’t wait for a response, he disappears into the
maze of cubicles quickly.
ALI
(to Angela)
Did you find out what happened?
ANGELA
He said he was working.

ALI
(not buying it)
Come on. You have to talk to him--
ANGELA
(rolls her eyes)
We’re gonna be late for the staff
meeting.
ALI
He can’t stand me and you know why.
Angela, I can’t have this kind of
negativity in my life--

Angela glares at him. Ali points.

ALI (CONT’D)
Exactly what I’m talking about.
12.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot awakens from a nap on a crowded subway and notices he's being followed. Despite his unease, he ignores a disheveled man, Mr. Robot, who tries to introduce himself. At work, Gideon assigns Elliot to investigate a RUDY attack, but Elliot's casual attire and aloofness draw criticism from Gideon and Angela, respectively. Angela confronts him about his absence at a bar the previous night, revealing her disappointment and financial struggles. As they exit, Angela's smoking habits concern Elliot, but she dismisses his question. Ali, who's dating Angela, confronts Elliot about his behavior and expresses his dislike for him.
Strengths
  • Complex plot
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some character interactions feel slightly cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple plot threads, introduces key characters, and establishes a tense atmosphere, engaging the audience from the start.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a cybersecurity engineer leading a double life as a vigilante hacker is unique and compelling, offering a fresh take on the thriller genre.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces conflicts related to cybersecurity breaches, personal relationships, and internal struggles, driving the narrative forward with intrigue and tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the hacker genre by exploring the protagonist's dual identity and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the world of cybersecurity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and show depth, with hints of complex relationships and personal motivations that add layers to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character growth and internal struggles, the changes are subtle and set the stage for further development in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his dual identity as a vigilante hacker at night and a regular cybersecurity engineer by day. This reflects his deeper need for balance and control over his conflicting roles.

External Goal: 7.5

Elliot's external goal in this scene is to address a recent hacking incident at his workplace and prepare for a meeting. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his professional reputation and handling cybersecurity threats.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from cybersecurity threats to personal dilemmas, increasing the tension and stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and tensions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the hacking incident and the protagonist's dual identity.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through cybersecurity threats, personal relationships, and internal struggles, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, characters, and plot developments, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions, the protagonist's internal conflicts, and the looming cybersecurity threats. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between Elliot's moral ambiguity as a vigilante hacker and his professional obligations as a cybersecurity engineer. This challenges his beliefs about justice, ethics, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to frustration, as the characters navigate their challenges and relationships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and reveals character dynamics effectively, setting up conflicts and building tension throughout the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing character dynamics, and high-stakes conflict. The tension between the characters and the mystery surrounding the hacking incident keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension and introspection with fast-paced dialogue and character interactions. It maintains a sense of urgency and momentum, driving the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It maintains a professional and polished appearance.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and character interactions. It effectively sets up the protagonist's internal and external goals for the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong sense of mystery and tension, which is engaging for the audience. However, the transition from Elliot waking up on the subway to the interaction with Mr. Robot feels a bit abrupt and disjointed.
  • The introduction of Mr. Robot as a character is intriguing, but the dialogue between him and Elliot could be more dynamic and engaging. The conversation feels a bit forced and lacks depth.
  • The flashback sequence with Angela at the bar adds depth to Elliot's character, but the execution feels a bit cliched. The inner conflict Elliot experiences could be portrayed in a more nuanced and subtle way.
  • The dialogue between Angela and Elliot in the office lacks natural flow and feels a bit stilted. The interactions between the characters could be more organic and reflective of their relationships.
  • The scene does a good job of setting up the conflicts and dynamics between the characters, but it could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in the character interactions and dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between scenes to create a smoother flow of events and enhance the overall coherence of the narrative.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Elliot and Mr. Robot to make their interaction more engaging and reflective of their characters' motivations and dynamics.
  • Explore different ways to portray Elliot's inner conflict and struggles in a more nuanced and original manner, avoiding cliches and predictable storytelling.
  • Focus on improving the naturalness and authenticity of the dialogue between Angela and Elliot to make their interactions more believable and compelling for the audience.
  • Consider adding more subtlety and depth to the character interactions and dynamics to create a richer and more engaging narrative.



Scene 4 -  Birthday and Cybersecurity Concerns
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
A wide conference room filled to the brim with account
executives, programmers and VPs.
GIDEON
...The recent hacks on their network
have been of grave concern not only
to them, but to this company. Let’s
make sure we’re on our A game this
afternoon. But before we get into it,
I hear we have a birthday to
celebrate.

He gestures over to Angela who sheepishly smiles. Everyone
starts singing happy birthday. Cake is being passed around.
Smiles all around from the nice folks that work at AllSafe.

Elliot, his seat pushed just a little further out than the
rest, observes cautiously. On the mounted TV in the corner, *
MSNBC is playing a clip from ex-Defense Secretary Leon *
Panetta. The conversation around him drowns out as he focuses *
on the TV. *

LEON PANETTA *
...there's a strong likelihood the *
next Pearl Harbor we confront could *
very well be a cyberattack. *

MSNBC ANCHOR *
Panetta went on to say that this is *
the future of US defense spending, *
computer engineers with expertise in *
hacking. This is the new soldier, the *
intelligence soldier. *

Elliot turns to his co-worker LLOYD (20s), a Chinese engineer *
with a fro, who talks openly with a mouth full of purple
frosting. Elliot forces a smile as he passes on a piece of
cake.

CUBICLE - LATER

Elliot’s cubicle is as vanilla as a cube could be. He
furiously codes on a Linux command line, earbuds plugged in.
His fingers take quick breaks to fetch McDonald’s fries out of
the bag. Ali interrupts his work with a wave of his hand and a
phony smile as icing. Elliot reluctantly removes his earbuds.
ALI
Yo, man. Wanna do lunch today?
ELLIOT
Oh, um, yeah, I have other pla--
13.

ALI
Plans, yeah, that’s what you said the
last three times I asked you. Look,
bud, you and Angela have been close
for a long time. But, that’s even *
more reason why I want us to be on
good terms. I just feel like it’s
awkward between us, don’t you?
ELLIOT
I’m okay with it being awkward
between us.
ALI
(scoffs)
Well, it’s not okay with me. Lunch,
today. Meet me at Sharon’s Deli at
1:15. On me. It’ll be epic.
A moment’s hesitation, then Elliot nods.
ALI (CONT’D)
Cool bro.

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot shiftlessly walks through the streets once again, big
bookbag in tow. His eyes wander around in paranoia. He
continues to eat his McDonald’s fries from the bag.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Angela's birthday party at work, Elliot overhears a news report emphasizing cybersecurity, which heightens his paranoia. Despite initially declining Ali's lunch invitation, he later agrees to meet. As he walks through the streets, he experiences intense feelings of paranoia while snacking on McDonald's fries.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of paranoia and tension
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
  • Intriguing plot setup
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or cliched
  • Lack of diversity in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the internal conflict within Elliot. The use of different elements like the birthday celebration, cyberattack news, and Elliot's interactions with his coworkers adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of paranoia, cyberattacks, and personal struggles is well executed in the scene. It sets up the overarching themes of the series and establishes the internal conflict within the protagonist.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Elliot navigates his interactions with his coworkers and deals with his own paranoia. The introduction of the RUDY attack investigation adds a layer of intrigue to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the cybersecurity industry by focusing on the personal relationships and social dynamics within a high-stress office environment. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elliot, Angela, and Ali, are well-developed in the scene. Their interactions reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

Elliot's character undergoes subtle changes as he navigates his paranoia and interactions with his coworkers. His internal struggles are further highlighted, setting up potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his relationships with his coworkers, particularly Ali, while also dealing with his own social awkwardness and discomfort.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to maintain his professional reputation and navigate the social dynamics of the office environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Elliot grapples with his paranoia and personal struggles. The tension between the characters adds to the overall conflict in the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, particularly in Elliot's interactions with Ali and his internal struggles.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high for Elliot as he grapples with his paranoia and investigates the cyberattack. The personal relationships and conflicts add emotional stakes to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the RUDY attack investigation and further developing the relationships between the characters. It sets up future conflicts and plot points.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected social dynamics and conflicts that add depth to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of personal relationships versus professional obligations. Elliot is torn between his desire to maintain a professional demeanor and his discomfort with social interactions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, especially through Elliot's internal turmoil. The interactions between the characters add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease present in the scene. The conversations between the characters reveal their motivations and internal struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively balances technical details with character interactions, creating a sense of tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the tension and dynamics of the office environment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in tension.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, particularly in the interaction between Elliot and Ali.
  • The visual descriptions are lacking in detail and fail to create a vivid picture of the setting and characters.
  • The transition between the conference room and Elliot's cubicle feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Elliot's internal struggles and paranoia, which are briefly touched upon but not fully explored.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear central conflict or goal for Elliot in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the audience.
  • Consider a smoother transition between the conference room and Elliot's cubicle to maintain continuity and flow.
  • Explore Elliot's internal struggles and paranoia more deeply to add depth to his character and create a more compelling storyline.



Scene 5 -  Elliot's Therapy Session
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY
He sits across from his psychologist, KRISTA (40s), a slightly
overweight African-American woman who tries too hard at youth
with a short dress.
They’re looking at each other in silence.

KRISTA
What are you thinking about?

ELLIOT
Nothing.
KRISTA
Wanna know what I’m thinking about?
(off his look)
The first time you came to me...

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I didn’t exactly come to Krista, I *
was forced here. But I do like her. *
(then) *
Her password was simple, Dylan2791. *
Favorite artist and the year in which *
she was born, backwards. *
14.


INSERT: Krista’s Gmail, Facebook, iTunes. We land on her *
eharmony profile. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I know she got a divorce four years *
ago. I know she was devastated by it *
and has been dating losers on *
eharmony ever since. *
INSERT: A profile pic of a salt and pepper handsome gent. He’s
a pudgy, nice fellow with a friendly mustache and a welcoming
smile. His name is listed as Michael Hansen.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Her most recent foray... Michael *
Hansen. Something about him bugs me, *
scratching that part of my mind *
again. *

Back to the scene. Elliot eyes Krista. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Though she’s a psychologist, she’s *
really bad at reading people. But I’m *
good at reading people. My secret? I *
look for the worst in them. *
KRISTA
You were so angry. You hated
everyone. That’s what you said. And I
told you, you can’t change the system
by hating it. Do you remember that?
ELLIOT
I remember that.
KRISTA
I know you’re not yelling like
before, which is good. But I can tell
you’re still holding onto it. We have
to deal with your anger issues,
Elliot. You’re angry at everyone, at
society--
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Fuck society.
KRISTA
You have a lot to be angry about, but
keeping it to yourself, staying quiet
like you’re doing, that’s not going
to help you. There’s pain underneath.
That’s where our work needs to go.

Elliot says nothing. Krista leans in.
15.


KRISTA (CONT’D)
What is it about society that
disappoints you so much?
Elliot holds back as his eyes wander to the Apple insignia
glowing off of Krista’s laptop on her desk.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Oh, I don’t know, is it that we
collectively thought Steve Jobs was a
great man even when we knew he made
billions off the backs of children?
His eyes shift to the glass framed Tour De France poster
hanging on the wall featuring Lance Armstrong.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Or maybe it’s that it feels like all
our heroes are counterfeit, the world
itself just one big hoax.
His eyes refocus on the reflection of the glass frame, seeing
that Krista’s browser from her laptop is on Twitter.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Spamming each other with our running
commentary of bullshit masquerading
as insight, our social media faking
as intimacy.
Krista still eyes Elliot, waiting for him to respond. He
returns his stare back at her, noticing the “I voted” sticker
her on her blouse.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Or is it that we voted for this? Not
with our rigged elections-- *
His eyes now notice the expensive accessories of Krista. Her
earrings, watch, shoes, her Hunger Games book on her desk.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But with our things, our property,
our money. But I’m not saying
anything new. We all know why we do
this. Not because earrings or the *
Hunger Games books makes us happier. *
Krista crosses her legs, still waiting on Elliot to respond.
That’s when Elliot spots a prescription bottle next to
Krista’s purse on her desk chair.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But because we want to be sedated.
Because it’s painful not to pretend.
Because we’re fucking cowards. Fuck
society-- but I’ve said that already.
16.

He finally responds to Krista:
ELLIOT
Nothing.
Krista leans back, frustrated she’s getting nowhere.

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
Don’t be frustrated. *

KRISTA *
(confused) *
And why shouldn’t I be? *

ELLIOT *
You’re different than most. You at *
least try... you at least understand. *

KRISTA *
(intrigued) *
Understand what? *

ELLIOT *
What it’s like to feel alone. You *
understand the pain. You want to *
protect people from it. I respect *
that about you. *

Long silence. *

KRISTA *
Why do you think I know what it’s *
like to feel alone? *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
(shocked realization) *
Shit! From her emails. The dangers of *
being a hacker; have to be careful *
not to ever slip about what you *
shouldn’t know-- *

KRISTA *
Elliot? *

Unsure of what to say, Elliot stays quiet. Krista lets it go. *
KRISTA (CONT’D)
Let’s talk about last night. Did you
go to Angela’s birthday party?
FLASHBACK: Last night, we pick up where we left off. Elliot’s
hand trembles as he reaches for the door to the bar. He sweats
as he closes his eyes and tries to force himself to go in, but
can’t. The door opens, three people file out. Elliot quickly
moves out of the way, avoiding physical contact at all costs.
He takes a breath and looks through the windows again.
17.

Angela is happy, surrounded by friends, enjoying her birthday.
Ali walks up to her. They kiss. This is enough for Elliot to
wrap his head in his hoodie and walk away--
Back to the scene.
ELLIOT
Yeah. It was nice.
KRISTA
Did you try to talk to anyone?
ELLIOT
Sure, a few people. I got a girl’s
number.
KRISTA
(impressed)
You did? Are you gonna call her?
ELLIOT
I think so, yeah. She’s cute. She
likes The Hunger Games.
KRISTA
(back to being suspicious)
You’re hiding again. When you hide
like this, your delusions will come
back. It’s a slippery slope, Elliot.
(off of his uneasy shift)
Let’s talk about the men in black you
were seeing. Are they still there?
ELLIOT
No, I told you, they’re gone. The
meds you gave me helped.
Krista doesn’t buy any of this.
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot on his way back. The MEN IN BLACK discreetly follow
him, eyeing him suspiciously. He’s so distracted by them, that
he doesn’t notice Ali standing in his way.
ALI
So, where were you? I waited half an
hour for you, man.

Still preoccupied with the MEN IN BLACK, Elliot looks around
nervously but can’t spot them anymore.
ALI (CONT’D)
Why are you such a weirdo, Elliot?
This isn’t normal, you know? You
don’t just tell people you’re going
to be somewhere and then not show up!
18.


Elliot forces himself to nod in agreement.
ELLIOT
You’re right, that does seem counter-
intuitive.
ALI
NOT cool, bro! Not cool!
(then) *
We’re going to Sharon’s Deli now.

ELLIOT
But I ate already...
(off his look, V.O.)
Fuck me, he’s not gonna let this go.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot meets with his psychologist Krista to discuss his anger issues and feelings towards society. Despite Krista's efforts to get him to address his emotions, Elliot remains closed off. The scene includes a flashback to a party where Elliot struggles to socialize and ends with a tense encounter between Elliot and Ali.
Strengths
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Potential for stronger emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and delves into Elliot's complex psyche, setting up intriguing conflicts and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring paranoia, hacking, and societal disillusionment is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with Elliot's interactions with his psychologist and the introduction of the men in black, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring themes of societal disillusionment and psychological turmoil. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elliot and Krista, are well-developed and their dynamics add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is some development in Elliot's character as he navigates his paranoia and confronts his psychologist, but more significant changes could enhance the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to confront and process his anger and disillusionment with society. This reflects his deeper need for understanding and resolution of his inner turmoil.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to maintain a facade of normalcy and avoid revealing his true feelings and thoughts to Krista. This reflects the immediate challenge of hiding his true emotions and maintaining control over his inner turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily in Elliot's internal struggles and his interactions with Krista.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Krista challenging Elliot's beliefs and pushing him to confront his inner turmoil. The audience is left wondering how Elliot will navigate his conflicting emotions and thoughts.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with Elliot facing internal and external challenges, but could be heightened to increase tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Elliot's character and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Elliot's internal thoughts and the tension between his facade and true emotions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of Elliot's true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Elliot's cynical view of society and Krista's empathetic approach to understanding and helping him. This challenges Elliot's beliefs about the world and his place in it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and introspection, but could have a stronger emotional impact with more intense character interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, introspective, and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the raw and honest dialogue, and the exploration of deep psychological themes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with pauses and silences adding to the atmosphere of introspection and psychological analysis.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a psychological drama, with a focus on dialogue and character interaction. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene provides insight into Elliot's inner thoughts and his relationship with his psychologist, Krista. However, the dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed and expository at times, lacking subtlety.
  • The voiceover narration by Elliot is informative but can come across as too direct and on-the-nose, spelling out his thoughts and feelings rather than allowing the audience to infer them.
  • The scene relies heavily on voiceover to convey Elliot's thoughts, which can be a crutch and may not engage the audience as effectively as showing his emotions through actions and interactions.
  • The scene delves into Elliot's perception of society and his cynical views, but it could benefit from more nuanced exploration and character development to avoid feeling one-dimensional.
  • The use of flashbacks to Angela's birthday party adds depth to Elliot's character, but the transition between past and present could be smoother to enhance the storytelling flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtle ways to convey Elliot's thoughts and emotions, such as through his actions, expressions, and interactions with Krista.
  • Focus on showing rather than telling to allow the audience to connect with Elliot on a deeper level and engage with the story more effectively.
  • Explore different narrative techniques to convey Elliot's inner turmoil and societal critique in a more nuanced and engaging manner.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to feel more natural and authentic, capturing the complexity of Elliot's character and his relationship with Krista.
  • Experiment with the structure of the scene to create a more dynamic and compelling storytelling experience, balancing introspection with external conflicts and interactions.



Scene 6 -  Unwelcome Reconciliation
INT. SHARON’S DELI - DAY

The deli is busy with MANHATTANITES. Ali and Elliot share a
couple of seats at the counter. Ali is droning on and on about
something mundane. Elliot looks absolutely miserable.

ALI
...anyway, my point is, I think the
Beatles are okay, but very overrated,
you know? I mean, come on, there are
lots of bands that are way better.

ELLIOT
No, I don’t agree with that at all.

ALI
Well, we can agree to disagree.

He puts his arm on Elliot’s shoulder-- but Elliot, not
comfortable with the physical contact, brushes it away.

ALI (CONT’D)
Sorry, forgot about your touching
thing--
(a more sympathetic tone)
Look, I love Angela, and I want us to
try to get along for her sake--
As Ali drones on again, Elliot’s stream of consciousness
interrupts:

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Am I that crazy to hate this guy so *
much? Among some of his Facebook *
likes are-- *

INSERT: Ali’s Facebook likes: George W. Bush’s Decision *
Points, the movie Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, and *
the music of Josh Groban. *
19.


ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Must I really justify my hatred any *
further? *

Back to the scene. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
(eyes Ali) *
His was the easiest to hack, password *
was 123456, then ‘seven’ spelled out. *

INSERT: Ali’s Gmail account. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I witnessed his first “I love you” *
with Angela over Gchat. *

INSERT: Profile pic of a trashy woman named Stella B. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I’ve also witnessed the first of many *
flirtations with Stella B. *
Back to the scene. Ali’s still in the midst of his phony plea.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’ve thought about telling Angela,
but she has shitty taste in men and
I’m not quite ready to see what comes
after this just yet. Plus, I can
manage Ali easier than the others.
For now, anyway.
ALI
...but that’s all I mean. I just want
you to know that. I like you, bro.
And I want you to like me too.
ELLIOT
I understand, Ali. I’ll try harder.
ALI
That’s cool, man. Whenever you’re
ready, I’d love to just...chill--

Elliot’s phone buzzes. He looks at it. His eyes grow wide.

ELLIOT
We’ve gotta go back. They’re here.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE - LATER
Elliot types away at his computer.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Truth is, I shouldn’t hate Ali. He’s
not that bad a guy.
20.

ELLIOT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He’s too dumb to be bad. In fact,
when I think about the really bad
people...
As if sensing it, Elliot stands and peeks out of his cubicle.
He sees Gideon greeting a handful of business SUITS at the
front. Angela is among the AllSafe greeters. They navigate the
SUITS towards the conference room. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
*BEEP* Corp. *

*BEEP* - (whenever the name of the company’s mentioned, it is *
bleeped out.) *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
But they might as well be called Evil *
Corp. In fact, after a thorough, *
intensive self-reprogramming, that’s *
all my mind hears, sees or reads when *
they pop up in my world. Krista would *
have a shit fit if she knew I did *
that. But that’s what they are... *

INSERT: Evil Corp’s logo, which looks like the Enron “E” logo. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
A conglomerate of Evil. *

VIDEO: Laptops, desktops, smartphones, nuclear power plants, *
guns, farms, cereal, microwaves, pills, all sporting the Evil *
Corp logo. *
ELLIOT (V.O.) *
It isn’t just that they indirectly *
killed or injured close to a million *
people in the last ten years... *
Back to the scene. Angela flashes a smile at Elliot before *
closing the shades of the conference room. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
It’s that they have no conscience *
about it. They’re a perfect monster. *
Elliot sits back down.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
And now, I have to help them-- *
Gideon and the team of SUITS walk up next to Elliot’s cubicle.
GIDEON
...we’ve got seven on-site engineers
on your account plus a few off-site
at the ISPs...
21.

Elliot sneaks a peek at the head suit, a bald guy who’s a dead
ringer for Steve Ballmer.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
There he is, Terry Colby, the CTO.
TERRY COLBY looks around with a doofus smile.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Even though he’s the head technology
guy at one of the biggest companies
in the world, he owns a Blackberry.
Elliot’s eyes shift to Terry’s Blackberry on his belt. Terry
looks at Elliot’s desktop with confusion.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
It also looks like he doesn’t see a
Linux operating system too often.
He’s not a techie. He’s a moron.

The suits, led by Gideon, keep on walking through the office.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
An arrogant moron. The worst kind.
Elliot goes to sit down, but a person from the pack walks up
to him. He’s good-looking, sharply dressed and has a rock star
smile. His name is TYRELL WELLICK (30s). He reaches his hand
out to Elliot. Elliot painfully takes it.
TYRELL
(thick Swedish accent)
Tyrell Wellick. Senior Vice
President, technology, Evil Corp--

Elliot quickly takes his hand back. Tyrell notices.
ELLIOT
I’m...Elliot. Just a tech.
TYRELL
Don’t be so humble. I started exactly
where you are. To be honest, my heart
has always stayed there.
(looking at his screen)
Oh, I see you’re running Ubuntu.
(off of Elliot’s impressed
look)
I’m on Red Hat myself, I know the
desktop manager is better on here,
but old habits die hard.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
An executive running Linux? But--
22.

TYRELL
I know what you’re thinking, I’m an
executive, why am I running Linux?
Again, old habits die hard.
Elliot uncomfortably smiles.
TYRELL (CONT’D)
Lookin’ forward to working with you.
I should join the rest of the group.
Bonsoir, Elliot.
He takes off with an earnest smile.

Elliot sits back down in his cubicle with a resigned sigh. He
takes in his small three-walled cube universe amidst the
thirty other identical cubes.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Sometimes I dream of saving everyone *
from the invisible hand.

Elliot eyes his fellow employees sympathetically, all looking
like enslaved serfs with their company badges hanging off
them.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that brands us with an
employee badge.

His eyes look over at Lloyd who is busy paying a Verizon bill
online. He shakes his head angrily at the price.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that forces us to work for
them.
EXT. NYC STREETS - NIGHT
Elliot walks through the streets alone as GROUPS OF FRIENDS
laugh while walking in and out of bars. Credit cards are
swiped, dollar-tips are thrown, a homeless man begs for
change.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that controls us everyday
without us knowing it. But I can’t
stop it. I’m not that special. I’m
just anonymous. I’m just alone.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ali and Elliot reconcile, but Elliot remains annoyed. Elliot spots suits including Angela and sees Tyrell from *BEEP* Corp, who compliments his Linux skills, but Elliot finds him socially awkward. Elliot reflects on societal control.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of protagonist's internal struggle
  • Intriguing introduction of corporate characters
  • Tension-building through dialogue and setting
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's inner turmoil, sets up the conflict with the corporate world, and establishes a sense of unease and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a socially isolated hacker navigating the corporate world and battling his own demons is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the corporate characters and the protagonist's internal struggle, setting the stage for future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as hacking into social media accounts and exploring the protagonist's internal conflicts in a corporate setting. The dialogue feels authentic and reflective of modern urban life.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with the protagonist's complexity and the introduction of corporate figures adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While the protagonist's internal turmoil is evident, there is subtle growth in his interactions with others, hinting at potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his complicated feelings towards Ali and his involvement with Evil Corp. It reflects his deeper need for connection and his fear of being alone in his beliefs.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to navigate his interactions with Ali and the executives from Evil Corp. It reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his cover while working against the company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the protagonist's internal struggles, his interactions with corporate figures, and the overarching theme of societal control creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's interactions with Ali, Evil Corp, and the executives. The uncertainty of Elliot's actions adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the protagonist navigates personal demons, corporate intrigue, and societal control, setting the stage for significant conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, conflicts, and themes that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its revelations about the protagonist's true feelings and motivations, adding layers to the narrative and character development.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Elliot's moral beliefs and the unethical practices of Evil Corp. It challenges his values and worldview, forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sympathy for the protagonist to unease about the corporate world's influence.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations, adding to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of dialogue, internal monologue, and visual inserts that provide insight into the protagonist's complex emotions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between internal monologue and external dialogue. It effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between Elliot's internal monologue, his interactions with Ali, and his observations of his coworkers.
  • The use of voiceover for Elliot's internal thoughts can be confusing and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The scene feels disjointed with the insertion of Facebook likes, Gmail account details, and Gchat conversations, which detract from the main narrative.
  • The dialogue between Ali and Elliot feels forced and lacks authenticity, making their interaction less engaging for the audience.
  • The visual inserts of Ali's personal information and online interactions come across as unnecessary and distracting.
  • The transition from Elliot's internal thoughts to his interactions with Tyrell Wellick at the end of the scene feels abrupt and disconnected.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the scene to have a clear and cohesive narrative thread that drives the story forward.
  • Consider integrating Elliot's internal thoughts more seamlessly into his interactions with other characters, avoiding the need for voiceover.
  • Remove the unnecessary visual inserts and instead focus on showing the audience Elliot's observations and reactions through his actions and dialogue.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Ali and Elliot more natural and engaging, reflecting their personalities and the dynamics of their relationship.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between different elements of the scene to maintain continuity and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 7 -  Elliot's Descent and Michael's True Colors
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot enters his messy small loft. A black cat named QWERTY *
greets him at the door.
23.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
If it weren’t for Qwerty, I’d be
completely empty.
She MEOWS.

MOMENTS LATER
Qwerty is chowing down on cat food. Elliot lies on the floor
next to her, petting her while she eats. He starts crying
hysterically.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I hate when I can’t hold in my
loneliness-- this crying has been
happening too often, every other week
now. What do normal people do when
they get this sad? They reach out to
friends or family, I think?
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Elliot crushes up morphine pills. He puts the crushed powder *
on a small glass table and cuts it with a credit card. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I do morphine. I can’t make friends. *
And family-- *

INT. ELLIOT’S HOUSE (FLASHBACK) - DAY *

A YOUNG ELLIOT (8) sits at the kitchen table. His MOTHER *
(30s), pretty but cold. Buttoned up, a short haircut, and *
expressionless face. She methodically smokes a cigarette. *

Young Elliot looks like he’s been scolded. His mother grabs *
his arm, digging her nails in until it bleeds. He goes to *
scream-- *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
That’s not an option. *

INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - MOMENTS LATER *

Elliot snorts up a line of morphine. He lies back down on the *
floor as it takes effect. Qwerty plops on his stomach and *
watches him. He smiles. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
The key to doing morphine without *
turning into a junkie is to limit *
yourself to 30mg a day. Anything more *
just builds up your tolerance. I *
check every pill I get for purity, I *
have 8mg Suboxone for maintenance in *
case I go through withdrawals-- *
24.

Elliot’s eyes grow wide. He sits up slowly.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Shit!
He stands and goes to the nightstand by his bed. He goes into
his Altoids can and realizes with annoyance its empty.

He takes a deep breath and pulls out his Evil Corp smartphone.
Through the cracked screen, we see his texts:
ELLIOT: Are you home?
SHAYLA: Yeah, R U?
ELLIOT: I’m out of my pills. Can I pick some up?
SHAYLA: B up in a sec.
MOMENTS LATER
SHAYLA (30s), a tatted, hipster girl, sits across from Elliot.
She fingers out a baggie full of orange pills.

SHAYLA
You never tell me what these are for?
ELLIOT
(ignoring her)
How much?
SHAYLA
On the house.
ELLIOT
No, Shayla, not doing that. This is
just a regular drug deal, like it
always is.
Elliot offers her cash. Shayla resigns herself and takes it.

SHAYLA
What are you up to tonight? I was
gonna post a party thing on your
Facebook, but you still didn’t create
an account. I thought you said you
were going to.

ELLIOT
I never said I was going to.

SHAYLA
Why not?

ELLIOT
Because I hate Facebook.
25.


SHAYLA
(offended)
That’s crazy.

Elliot shoots her a look, “I guess I’m crazy.” Disappointed,
Shayla pulls out two white pills from her pocket.
SHAYLA (CONT’D)
Wanna do these together then? My
dealer says Lena Dunham buys them all
the time. They’re pure Molly.

The last line piques Elliot’s interest, though his look is
already regretting the decision.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - LATER
Elliot lies naked in his bed, smoking a joint, while a nude
Shayla lies next to him, fast asleep. He wears a dumb look.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Don’t ever make decisions when you’re
on morphine.

His cell beeps. He looks at it.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Foursquare check-in for Krista at Bar
None. It’s Friday night. It has to be
with Michael. I’ve gotta go to work.
He puts on clothes and looks at Qwerty.
ELLIOT
(re: Shayla)
Keep an eye on her while I’m gone.
EXT. BAR NONE - NIGHT
Elliot, in a hoodie, walks by Bar None across the street. He
doesn’t walk towards it, instead he stays put, lurking around
the corner. He pulls out his phone and uses the camera to zoom
in through the bar’s big windows.
The camera finally lands on Krista and Michael dancing.
Michael’s goofy moves make Krista laugh.

EXT. BAR NONE - AWHILE LATER
Elliot’s camera is still on Michael from across the street as
he watches him kiss Krista goodbye. They part ways.

Elliot follows close behind as Michael walks through the
streets. Michael hails a cab. Elliot snaps a picture of the
number on top of Michael’s cab as it takes off.
He quickly pulls out his cell phone and dials.
26.

ELLIOT
(into the phone)
Yes, hi... I think I left my keys in
one of your cabs--
(looking at the picture)
Number 876496... yes, I have like a
photographic memory thing... yeah,
I’ll hold.
Elliot looks around the city block he’s standing on. In the
distance, a late night diner shows two MEN IN BLACK having
coffee. Elliot hides behind a bus stop, watching them.
Suddenly, the MR. ROBOT bum from the subway walks up to their
table, begging for money. Elliot shoots a confused look-- but
gets interrupted when the operator returns.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
350 Hawthorne Avenue. Thanks.
He hangs up and returns his gaze back to the two MEN IN BLACK.
Mr. Robot is nowhere to be seen. He lets it go for now and
returns to the task at hand.
EXT. 350 HAWTHORNE AVENUE - LATER
Elliot walks up and sees the cab, waiting by the curb. On the
stoop in front of 350 Hawthorne, Michael smokes a cigarette as
he begrudgingly walks his dog. It’s as if Michael has
completely dropped his cheery, nice guy act.
MICHAEL
Come on, asshole, piss already.
He kicks the dog, causing him to YELP.
Elliot charges from across the street.
The cowed dog looks up sheepishly at Michael as it nervously
paces around the small patch of grass.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Fucking GO!
He goes to kick the dog again, when Elliot finally gets there--
ELLIOT
Hey!
Michael stops and turns. Elliot looks at the dog with
sympathy, but then back at Michael.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Can I borrow your phone? Mine’s dead
and I need to call my mom.
Michael reluctantly nods and pulls out his cell. He slides it
unlocked with his passcode and hands it to him.
27.


Elliot takes it, immediately memorizing all the apps on his
homescreen, specifically the Wells Fargo app.
He dials his own number and calls. From within Elliot’s back
pocket, we see his phone light up and vibrate.
The cab, finally tired of waiting, peels out. The driver
loudly SWEARS to himself about the waste of time.
Elliot gets his own voicemail. He hangs up, quickly deletes
his call log and looks back at Michael.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
No answer. Thanks anyway.
Michael takes his phone back with a shrug.
EXT. NYC SUBWAY - LATER
Elliot walks out of the subway station, smoking a joint. His
phone immediately vibrates. He looks at it with a question,
then answers.
ELLIOT
Angela? Everything okay?
INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot's struggles with loneliness and addiction lead him to use drugs and stalk Michael and Krista. He discovers Michael's abusive nature and obtains his personal information. The scene ends with Elliot receiving a call from Angela while smoking a joint in the subway.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of character
  • Emotional depth
  • Atmospheric tension
Weaknesses
  • Heavy focus on internal struggles may slow down the pace

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Elliot's inner struggles and sets up a dark and intense atmosphere. The exploration of addiction and loneliness adds depth to the character and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Elliot's loneliness, addiction, and emotional turmoil is well-executed and adds layers to his character development.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Elliot navigates his personal struggles and interactions with other characters, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on addiction and loneliness, blending elements of drama and psychological introspection. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into Elliot's character, showcasing his vulnerabilities, complexities, and relationships with others. The interactions with Shayla and Michael add depth to his personality.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot undergoes emotional changes and reveals more layers of his character, especially in his interactions with Shayla and Michael.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to cope with his loneliness and emotional pain through drug use. This reflects his deeper need for connection and relief from his past trauma.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to obtain more drugs to numb his pain. This reflects the immediate challenge of his addiction and the need to maintain his supply.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal, focusing on Elliot's personal struggles with addiction and loneliness, as well as his interactions with other characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that push him to confront his demons and make difficult choices.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more internal, focusing on Elliot's personal demons and struggles with addiction and loneliness.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Elliot's personal struggles and relationships, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the protagonist's actions and interactions with other characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between self-destructive behavior and the desire for genuine human connection. This challenges his beliefs about coping mechanisms and the value of relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, empathy, and anxiety, as the audience witnesses Elliot's inner turmoil and struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Elliot's inner thoughts, struggles, and interactions with other characters, adding to the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional content, suspenseful moments, and the protagonist's complex inner conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a nonlinear format, incorporating flashbacks and present-day events to provide insight into the protagonist's past and present struggles.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Elliot entering his messy loft, which sets the tone for his isolated and troubled state of mind. The interaction with his cat, Qwerty, adds a touch of humanity to his character.
  • Elliot's emotional breakdown and drug use reveal his deep loneliness and struggle with his mental health. The flashback to his traumatic childhood adds depth to his character but could be explored further to provide more context.
  • The drug use and interactions with Shayla show Elliot's self-destructive behavior and detachment from forming meaningful relationships. The dialogue between Elliot and Shayla highlights his reluctance to connect with others and his internal conflict.
  • The scene transitions smoothly from Elliot's drug use to his surveillance of Krista and Michael, showcasing his hacking skills and obsession with control. The introduction of the Men in Black and Mr. Robot adds an element of mystery and intrigue.
  • The scene ends with Elliot receiving a call from Angela, hinting at future developments in their relationship and adding to the suspense of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into Elliot's emotional turmoil and the root causes of his loneliness and drug use to provide more depth to his character.
  • Explore the dynamics between Elliot and Shayla further to showcase the complexity of their relationship and Elliot's internal struggles.
  • Enhance the surveillance aspect of the scene to emphasize Elliot's hacking skills and his obsession with control and manipulation.
  • Integrate the themes of isolation, paranoia, and addiction more seamlessly throughout the scene to create a cohesive and compelling narrative.
  • Consider adding more visual cues and subtle details to enhance the atmosphere and build tension in the scene.



Scene 8 -  The DoS Attack
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE
Angela stands apart from Lloyd, who is desperately trying to
tackle a tech issue on his desktop.
ANGELA
(into the phone)
No, it’s not. Are you home? Were you
asleep? I’ve been trying you for
fifteen minutes.
ELLIOT
I was in the subway. What’s going on?
ANGELA
(discreet)
I need you to come to AllSafe.
ELLIOT
You’re there? It’s three in the
morning.
ANGELA
They hacked into Evil’s servers
again. But it’s bad this time. It’s a
DoS attack.

SUPER: “DoS Attack - A Denial of Service attack, an attempt to
make a machine or network unavailable to its intended users”
28.


ANGELA (CONT’D)
All their sites are down, the store,
the corporate, email, phone system,
everything.
ELLIOT
Did you call Lloyd? He’s on call--
ANGELA
Yeah, he’s here.

Lloyd slaps himself out of frustration as he types.
ELLIOT
Is he talking to Evil’s tech
department?
ANGELA
He’s online with them, but so far,
nothing. This is bad, Elliot. It’s
been down for almost an hour.
(lowered voice)
I don’t think Lloyd can fix this.
Look, Gideon just put me on this
account. I can’t fuck up the first
week. I need you. Please.
Elliot looks back into the subway. He tosses his joint.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - NIGHT

Elliot sits in his usual place, staring ahead, thinking-- but *
for the first time, he looks perplexed. *

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT *
Elliot races in. Angela walks up to him, panicking.
ELLIOT
Anything?
ANGELA
No. I called Gideon.
ELLIOT
Why? It’s only been down for an hour
and a half.
ANGELA
Yeah, well, an hour and a half in
Evil Corp’s time is like 13 million
dollars in revenue. Approximately. I
lied, actually, I calculated that.
That’s exactly how much they lost.
ELLIOT
Don’t worry, I got this.
29.

They approach Lloyd who is sweating bullets in his cubicle.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Lloyd, what’s the deal?
No response, Lloyd is locked in on his terminal.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Lloyd!
Lloyd snaps out of his trance and looks at Elliot.
LLOYD
Elliot. This is bad.
ELLIOT
What’s happening?
LLOYD
We’ve got server overloads on all of
them, not just the web servers.
ELLIOT
That doesn’t make any sense. Most of
the servers aren’t even exposed. Shut
down all the ports on 80--
LLOYD
I did that already, I think they
might have gotten behind the
switches.
ELLIOT
Wait a minute, I thought this was
just a DoS attack.
LLOYD
Dude, this is fucked is what this is.
ELLIOT
I’m gonna login.

Biggie’s “Somebody’s Gotta Die” RISES on the soundtrack as
Elliot types furiously on his desktop, navigating Evil Corp’s
servers. The music continues throughout this sequence as we--

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista walks into her clean, Ikea-furnished apartment with a
drunken smile pasted on her face. She mumbles to herself:

KRISTA
Don't fall in love, honey, come on.
It's still early. But it feels good,
it definitely feels--
30.


Her phone beeps with a text. She excitedly takes it out.

KRISTA (CONT’D)
Oh God, is that him?

MICHAEL: I miss u

She smiles as she types in a flirtatious response back.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Elliot finishes a can of Red Bull as he switches terminal
windows, typing furiously.

INT. ALI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ali is in his boxers, studiously watching THE SECRET on DVD
and writing notes on a legal pad. His laptop flashes a Skype
alert. Stella B pops up on the screen. He grins.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Elliot types away as Gideon walks in. Even though he’s angry,
he keeps his cool. He sees Elliot, then faces Angela.

GIDEON
Status update-- what the fuck is
going on?
ELLIOT
Someone’s taken down their servers.

GIDEON
Where is it coming from?

ELLIOT
Everywhere. USA, Finland, Thailand,
Kuwait. I can’t trace them. They got
behind the switches somehow. They’re
sending large numbers of IP packets
to everything. Evil Corp’s entire
network is crashing in on itself.
GIDEON
Swap out the switches.

Elliot continues to type as he takes his orders.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But if I were these guys, I’d know
that and have a rootkit sitting on
the firewall sending out attacks
internally--
Elliot hits a few keystrokes hard and looks to Lloyd.
31.

ELLIOT
Mine are swapped.
LLOYD
One and two are swapped.

Angela jumps on a computer and tries to go to Evil Corp’s
website.
ANGELA
Still down.

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista is in her robe, reading another text--

MICHAEL: I couldn’t resist...

Her DOORBELL goes off. She opens the door and Michael is
standing there with flowers. He passionately kisses her.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT
GIDEON
What about the firewall?
ELLIOT
I think...
Elliot taps on his computer slower now as he thinks.
GIDEON
What?
ELLIOT
I think they put a rootkit in the
firewall.

SUPER: “Rootkit - A set of software tools with administrator-
level access to a computer or network”

It starts to register to Gideon that this is bad. Very bad.

ANGELA
What’s a rootkit?

LLOYD
It’s like a crazy serial rapist with
a very big dick.

ANGELA
Jesus, Lloyd!

LLOYD
Sorry! It’s malicious code that takes
over the operating system.
32.

LLOYD (CONT'D)
It can delete system files, or worse,
install programs, viruses, worms,
anything it wants.

ANGELA
How do we stop it?

LLOYD
That’s the thing, it can make itself
invisible. They’re almost impossible
to find.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the middle of the night, Angela calls Elliot to Allsafe because Evil Corp, their client, is under a DoS attack. Elliot quickly realizes the attack is more sophisticated than a simple DoS and that the attackers have installed a rootkit on Evil Corp's firewall, giving them complete control over their network. Elliot warns the Allsafe team, and they realize it will be difficult to stop.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Technical authenticity
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and urgency through the cybersecurity crisis, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a cybersecurity attack and the technical details involved are well-executed, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters deal with the cybersecurity crisis, setting up future developments and raising the stakes.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high, as it presents a fresh and realistic portrayal of cyber attacks and the challenges faced by cybersecurity professionals. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination and concern in the face of the crisis, but there is room for further development and depth in their interactions.

Character Changes: 6

While the characters show determination and concern, there is limited change or growth within the scene, leaving room for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove their worth and competence in handling a crisis situation, as well as to maintain their reputation and success in their new role. This reflects their deeper need for validation, fear of failure, and desire for recognition.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to identify and stop a cyber attack on their company's servers, showcasing their technical skills and problem-solving abilities. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to protect their company's assets and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters race against time to stop the cybersecurity attack, facing technical challenges and mounting pressure.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing a formidable challenge in the form of a cyber attack that threatens their company's security and reputation. The audience is kept in suspense about how they will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the cybersecurity crisis, including financial losses and technical challenges, add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major cybersecurity crisis and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the cyber attack plot, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome. The characters' actions and decisions add to the unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the ethical dilemma of using hacking techniques to combat cyber attacks, as well as the moral implications of potentially invading privacy or breaking laws in the process. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, and the necessity of taking drastic measures in a crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and concern, but could enhance emotional impact through deeper character development and personal stakes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and technical aspects of the cybersecurity crisis, but could benefit from more character development and emotional depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with technical details and fast-paced dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The urgency and suspense drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with a sense of urgency and tension that drives the narrative forward. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a high-stakes, tech-driven thriller, with a clear setup of the problem, escalating tension, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of urgency and high stakes, which is engaging for the audience. However, the dialogue between Angela and Elliot feels a bit rushed and lacks depth in their emotional connection.
  • There is a lot of technical jargon and information being thrown around, which may be confusing for viewers who are not familiar with cybersecurity terms. It's important to find a balance between authenticity and accessibility in conveying this information.
  • The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The character of Lloyd comes across as a bit stereotypical with his inappropriate comment about the rootkit. It's important to avoid relying on cliches for character development.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to break up the dialogue-heavy moments and add visual interest.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the interactions between Angela and Elliot to make their relationship more compelling for the audience.
  • Simplify the technical explanations to make them more accessible to viewers who may not be familiar with cybersecurity terms.
  • Work on smoother transitions between locations and characters to improve the overall flow of the scene.
  • Avoid relying on stereotypes for character development and strive for more nuanced portrayals of the characters.
  • Incorporate more visual cues or actions to enhance the visual storytelling and break up dialogue-heavy moments.



Scene 9 -  Network Meltdown
INT. TYRELL WELLICK’S SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT

Tyrell Wellick snaps awake as his phone rings violently. He
looks at the caller ID, but isn’t pleased.

TYRELL WELLICK
(in Swedish, subtitles)
Yes? Is it absolutely necessary?

His Filipino, pregnant wife, JOANNA (30s), also stirs awake.

JOANNA
Babe?

TYRELL WELLICK
Shut up, go to sleep.

Tyrell gets out of bed, fully nude, and leaves the bedroom.

LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Still naked, he stands in front of his massive 70” Plasma TV.
FOX News is reporting with a banner: “EVIL CORP’S NETWORK
SUFFERS MAJOR OUTAGE”

Tyrell isn’t fazed by this.

TYRELL WELLICK
(in Swedish, subtitles)
Yes, I see it... they’ve failed
before, they’re more than welcome to
fail again.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Angela scans all the headlines on the news websites, then
looks over to Gideon.

ANGELA
They’re starting to report about the
outage.
33.

GIDEON
(to Elliot)
Swap out the firewall again.
ELLIOT
(typing away)
Every time I swap a server load over
to another firewall, the rootkit
replicates itself before I take the
bad one down.
(then) *
It’s defending itself. *

Everyone exchanges tense looks.

GIDEON
What’s next?
ELLIOT
(thinks)
The only thing we can do is...we have
to deliberately crash the system.

A moment as the harrowing thought sinks in. Then, Gideon
carefully unplugs a printer, picks it up and smashes it
through one of the windows of the conference room.

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

They’ve moved to the bedroom, clothes are off as Krista climbs
on top of Michael. She closes her eyes, savoring the moment.

INT. EVIL CORP HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Terry Colby walks in full rage, flanked by his team of
engineers and Tyrell Wellick.

TERRY COLBY
Why do we have to shut down the whole
network? Who’s on this?

TYRELL
We have AllSafe heading to our main
server farm in Virginia.

TERRY COLBY
AllSafe? Aren’t they here?

TYRELL
We’re flying one of their engineers
out on the company jet.

TERRY COLBY
Too much time. Just have one of our
guys out in Virginia do it--
34.


TYRELL
To be honest sir, I don’t trust them.
Not with this.

TERRY COLBY
And why is that?

TYRELL *
(pause) *
Gut instinct. *

INT. PRIVATE JET (MOVING) - NIGHT
Elliot and Gideon sit silently in a small private Evil Corp
jet. Evil Corp SECURITY sit on either side of the plane.

INT. ALI’S APARTMENT
Ali’s late night video chat with Stella B gets interrupted
when he sees a text from Angela. He browses to Google News and
sees the headline, CRIPPLING HACKER ATTACK BRINGS DOWN EVIL
CORP. He logs off with Stella and calls Angela.
INT. SERVER FARM - NIGHT
Elliot speed-walks into the loud WHIRRING of the large arrays
of servers. He finds a console and terminals in.
GIDEON
Where is it?
Elliot rapidly types.
ELLIOT
Row 7A.

Both of them race through the rows of servers until they find
it. Elliot scans the arrays until he sees the right stack of
firewalls. He places his fingers on the Ethernet cables, then
nervously pauses.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Here we go.

Elliot starts ripping the cables out--

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista climaxes. It’s amazing. She slowly lies next to him,
quivering with emotion. She looks at him dotingly.

KRISTA
I love you...

He kisses her--
35.


INT. SERVER FARM - NIGHT

Gideon nervously paces around the pulled firewalls that are
stacked up in a pile on the floor. Elliot is typing furiously
as he configures the newly installed firewalls. A group of
tech SPECTATORS have now formed around Elliot, watching him
with anticipation.
GIDEON
(discreet)
Come on, Elliot, they’ve been down
for six hours--
ELLIOT
Hold on...try it now.
Gideon tries the Evil Corp website. It’s back up. Gideon
breathes a sigh of relief.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Wait, ask Angela. We need to see if
it’s back up in the outside world.
Gideon video conferences Angela through his laptop.
ANGELA
(smiles)
We’re good on our end guys!

The song comes to an end as the commotion finally subsides.
The spectators CLAP. Gideon stands up proudly and squeezes
Elliot’s shoulder. Elliot shies away from the contact.
ELLIOT
I still have to finish the
configuration. Give me a minute.
GIDEON
(put off)
Okay. I’ll meet you by the bathrooms.
The spectators disperse along with Gideon. Elliot continues to
furiously type.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
They must have left a mark or
something. Every hacker loves to
gloat. They don’t just do DoS attacks
for no reason.
That’s when Elliot stumbles upon a file in the terminal that
reads simply: fsociety.
He /dir’s it and a flurry of files go flying by, the last one
being README.TXT. He opens it. It reads simply: leavemehere
36.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
This was the rootkit. Fsociety? Is
that supposed to be a joke?
Elliot steps out of the directory and types: rm fsociety/* He
takes a pause before hitting enter.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Wait. This note is for me. They’re
telling me to leave it here. But why?

Techs walk by, nervously surprising Elliot. He can’t bring *
himself to delete it-- he closes the terminal and walks away. *
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tyrell Wellick ignores a major outage on Evil Corp's network. At Allsafe, Angela reports the outage leading Gideon to order a firewall swap. Elliot discovers the rootkit is self-defending and proposes crashing the system. Tyrell and Gideon find fsociety's message instructing them to leave the rootkit, and Elliot hesitates to delete it.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Intricate plot development
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a strong mix of tension, drama, and character development. The high-stakes situation keeps the audience engaged and the revelation of the rootkit adds a layer of complexity.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a sophisticated cyber attack on a major corporation, the technical aspects of hacking, and the ethical dilemmas faced by the characters are all well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and moves at a fast pace, keeping the audience on edge. The resolution of the cyber attack adds a satisfying conclusion to this part of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on corporate espionage and hacking, with unique character dynamics and high-stakes situations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward. The dynamics between Elliot, Gideon, and Angela add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Elliot's actions in dealing with the cyber attack and his interactions with Gideon and Angela show a slight evolution in his character, hinting at his growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Tyrell Wellick's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and power in the face of a major network outage at Evil Corp. His actions and dialogue reflect his need for dominance and his fear of losing his position.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to resolve the network outage at Evil Corp by deliberately crashing the system. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the high stakes involved.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the hackers and Evil Corp, as well as the internal struggles of the characters, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that drive the plot forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the cyber attack on Evil Corp and the potential consequences for the characters involved raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving the cyber attack crisis and setting the stage for future developments. It introduces new challenges and conflicts for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the high-stakes nature of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the characters' loyalty to their company and their moral compass. Elliot's decision to crash the system challenges the values of security and stability within the company.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is primarily driven by the high stakes and the personal relationships between the characters. The scene evokes a sense of urgency and concern for the outcome.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the urgency and tension of the situation. It also reveals the relationships between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the tension and urgency of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and urgency, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene transitions and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a high-stakes thriller, with escalating tension and clear character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Tyrell Wellick's home to Allsafe offices without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Tyrell and Joanna lacks depth and emotional resonance, making their interaction feel flat and unengaging.
  • The nudity of Tyrell Wellick without any clear purpose or context feels gratuitous and unnecessary, detracting from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The tension and urgency of the situation at Allsafe offices are not effectively conveyed through the dialogue and actions of the characters.
  • The resolution of the hacking crisis feels rushed and lacks a sense of real stakes or consequences, diminishing the impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tyrell's home and Allsafe offices to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tyrell and Joanna to add depth and emotional resonance to their interaction.
  • Reconsider the portrayal of nudity in the scene and ensure that it serves a clear purpose or contributes to the overall narrative.
  • Focus on building tension and urgency in the hacking crisis at Allsafe offices through more dynamic dialogue and character actions.
  • Expand on the resolution of the hacking crisis to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion to the scene.



Scene 10 -  Uneasy Alliance
INT. PRIVATE JET (MOVING) - DAWN

Exhausted, Elliot and Gideon sit silently together. Though
Elliot is used to the all-nighters, Gideon isn’t. He has a
glass of wine as he sits back, deep in thought.

GIDEON
Did you know that I was gay?

ELLIOT *
Um...no.

After an awkward pause, Gideon uncomfortably nods. *

GIDEON
Consider this me coming out to you
then, okay? It’s hard, because I
don’t like to talk about my sex life.
But my partner-- he gets very
paranoid, he thinks I’m ashamed of--
you know. He wants me to be more
public about it. Anyway, I’m gay.

ELLIOT *
(awkward pause) *
Thanks. *

Deep in thought again, Gideon slowly sips his wine. Elliot
notices the troubled look on his face.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Don’t worry about it. Hackers have a
short attention span. They’ll get
bored and harass someone else--

GIDEON
Evil Corp is thinking about leaving.
And, I don’t know if I blame them...

Gideon shakes his head.
37.


ELLIOT
We have other clients.

GIDEON
We had other clients. Everyone’s
slashing their budgets, doing
security internally. Evil Corp is
seventy percent of our business right
now. We can’t lose them. I’m already
extended on our credit line. If we
lose them, that’s gonna be it for us.
That’s gonna be it for me.

Gideon takes another sip of his wine and leans back in his
chair. He looks up, hopeless, unsettled. He looks over.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
I feel like I can talk to you. More
than the others, anyway.

They share a comfortable moment this time.

GIDEON (CONT’D) *
I’m sure, in a strange way, you’ll be *
happy if we went under. *
(off his look) *
Oh, come on. I know you hate the *
stupid meetings, the birthday cake, *
wearing that shirt everyday... *

As Gideon lists off the things he supposedly hates, Elliot *
finds himself sincerely worried he’ll lose them. *

ELLIOT
Gideon?
(off his look)
I promise I’ll find them.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - DAY
Elliot’s drained face stares stoically out, trying to piece
together the mystery of the recent hacks. He shakes his head
sadly.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I’ll Google fsociety when I get home. *
I’ve never seen their name on the *
boards though. They’ve gotta be new. *
But they’re good-- *

Elliot’s train of thought is interrupted when Mr. Robot sits
across from him, donning the same gas attendant shirt.
MR. ROBOT
Rough night?
38.


Shocked, Elliot’s eyes grow large.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D) *
I’m gonna leave on the next stop. I
think you should come with me.
(puts on a ski cap)
But, only if you didn’t delete it. If
you deleted it, then we have nothing
to talk about.
Mr. Robot stands and waits by the doors. Elliot sits there,
paralyzed, not knowing what to do at all.
ELLIOT
Are you talking to me?
Mr. Robot says nothing, but the empty car states the obvious.
The subway finally screeches to a halt. Elliot stands as it
stops. Mr. Robot walks off the subway. Elliot stands there for
a moment, wondering if he should follow him. He does.
PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Robot sits on the other side of the station. Elliot slowly
walks over and sits next to him.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Who are you?
MR. ROBOT
We’re gonna wait for the Q.
ELLIOT
And then what?

MR. ROBOT
And then we’re gonna go to Brooklyn,
out by Coney Island.
ELLIOT
Why? What’s there?
MR. ROBOT
Of course you’re gonna ask a lot of
questions. It’s weird what you’re
doing right now. I get that. Thing
is, I can’t tell you anything until
we get there.
Mr. Robot pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

ELLIOT
I don’t think you can smoke in here.
(Mr. Robot ignores him)
You’ve been following me. Why? What
do you want from me?
39.

MR. ROBOT
My dad was a petty thief. Never could
hold down a job. So, he just robbed,
convenience stores, shops, small-time
stuff. One time, he sat me down and
told me something that I never
forgot. He said, “Everyone steals,
that’s how it works. You think people
out there are getting exactly what
they deserve? No. They’re either
getting paid over or under, someone
in the chain always gets bamboozled.
I steal, but I don’t get caught,
that’s the contract I have with
society. If you can catch me
stealing, I’ll go to jail. If you
can’t, then I earn the money.”
(then) *
I respected that shit, man. As a *
little kid. I thought that was *
fucking cool. But a few years after *
that, they finally caught him, and he
goes to jail. Leaves three kids and a
wife with no money. Dies five years
after that, my respect goes with him.
I thought my dad was free, doing what
he did. He wasn’t. He was in prison.
(looks at Elliot)
Just like you are now, Elliot. But
I’m about to break you out.
Elliot shoots him a quiet, puzzled look. Mr. Robot puts on a
pair of sunglasses, smiles big and then stares ahead.

EXT. CONEY ISLAND - STREETS - DAY
An impoverished, ghetto block. Elliot cautiously follows Mr.
Robot down the street. An old Ferris wheel can be seen slowly
spinning in the distance.
They finally reach a rundown, boarded up arcade. The sign
reads: FUN SOCIETY ARCADE (but the U and N are faded). Mr.
Robot walks up to the door and grabs the key from under a dead
plant. He walks to the back, gesturing Elliot to follow him.

THE BACK - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Robot opens the backdoor. Blue, green, and gray Ethernet
cables run from all sides of the door. The sound of KEYBOARD
STROKES and CHATTER emanate from within.
Mr. Robot walks in. Elliot follows.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Array
Strengths
  • Deep characterization
  • Tension-building
  • Intriguing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Pacing may be slow in parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals important character dynamics, and sets up intriguing plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing Gideon's personal struggles and Elliot's mysterious encounter with Mr. Robot adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for future revelations.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the rootkit attack on Evil Corp and Elliot's encounter with Mr. Robot, setting up key conflicts and mysteries.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and authentic situations, such as Gideon's coming out moment and the mysterious encounter with Mr. Robot. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene provides insight into the complex emotions and motivations of Gideon, Elliot, and Mr. Robot, deepening their characterization and adding layers to their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Gideon's revelation about his personal life and Elliot's encounter with Mr. Robot mark significant changes in their characters, hinting at future developments and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Gideon's internal goal in this scene is to come out to Elliot and seek understanding and acceptance. This reflects his need for validation and support in a vulnerable moment.

External Goal: 7

Gideon's external goal is to save his business from losing its biggest client, Evil Corp. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces multiple conflicts, including the rootkit attack on Evil Corp, Gideon's personal struggles, and Elliot's mysterious encounter with Mr. Robot, increasing tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Gideon facing the threat of losing his business and Elliot encountering mysterious and challenging situations. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the rootkit attack on Evil Corp, the potential consequences for Allsafe, and the mysterious nature of Mr. Robot's intentions, raising the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations and interactions between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of honesty and acceptance. Gideon's struggle to come out to Elliot and Elliot's reaction challenge their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from empathy for Gideon's struggles to curiosity and unease in Elliot's encounter with Mr. Robot, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the characters, especially in Gideon's revelation and Mr. Robot's cryptic conversation with Elliot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and intriguing plot developments. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective scene transitions. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations. The dialogue flows naturally and contributes to the scene's development.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a heavy dialogue between Gideon and Elliot on a private jet, which feels a bit forced and unnatural. The conversation about Gideon coming out as gay seems abrupt and lacks a smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Gideon and Elliot feels a bit on-the-nose, especially when Gideon explicitly states that he is gay. It could be more effective if this information was revealed more subtly through their interactions.
  • The transition from the private jet to the subway scene with Mr. Robot feels disjointed and could benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection between the two settings.
  • The conversation between Mr. Robot and Elliot on the subway platform is intriguing, but the dialogue could be more engaging and dynamic to capture the audience's attention and build tension.
  • The backstory shared by Mr. Robot about his father feels a bit heavy-handed and could be delivered in a more nuanced way to add depth to his character without overwhelming the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Gideon and Elliot to make the conversation feel more natural and less forced. Find a more organic way to reveal Gideon's sexuality.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the private jet scene and the subway scene with Mr. Robot to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Mr. Robot and Elliot on the subway platform to make it more engaging and suspenseful. Add layers to their conversation to build intrigue.
  • Refine the delivery of Mr. Robot's backstory about his father to make it more subtle and impactful. Focus on conveying the emotional depth of the story without being overly explicit.



Scene 11 -  Introducing Fsociety
INT. FSOCIETY ARCADE - CONTINUOUS
An arcade with very little working games left. Using fallen *
games as tables for computers, four hackers type away: MOBLEY
(30s) - an obese man with shaggy hair. TRENTON (16) - a nerd
eating Ramen straight from the Styrofoam bowl.
40.

MARLENE (20s) - an aggressive yet striking hipster who chain
smokes. She wears a fur coat and blue Ray Bans. ROMERO (50s) -
a long, gray-haired hippie with a fanny pack.

ELLIOT
Why would you guys actually meet IRL?

SUPER: “IRL - In Real Life”
None of them look up, all of them with earbuds plugged in as
they type away. A Depeche Mode song plays over the loud
speaker. Mr. Robot gestures for Elliot to follow him around
the corner, into the kitchen. He makes himself a glass of beer
from the tap.
MR. ROBOT
Remember LulzSec?

SUPER: “LulzSec - A computer hacker group that claimed
responsibility for several high profile attacks”

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
They got outed by their own leader to
the FBI, and six hackers went to
prison for it. How do you think they
got ‘em? They went into the dude’s
computers and tracked all of them
down through e-mails, VPN sessions,
chat messages, texts-- one guy, and
everything goes down. It’s what you
call--
ELLIOT
A central point of failure.
MR. ROBOT
(smiles)
Right. Because they didn’t meet in
person, they compromised each other
every time they sent so much as a
fucking smiley face. The rule here
is, it’s done here, and only here. It
ends when you walk out that door, and
begins when you walk in. Our
encryption is the real world.
ELLIOT
How do you talk to each other then?

Mr. Robot walks over to the popcorn machine and starts eating
straight out of it.
MR. ROBOT
We don’t. We come and go, work on the
project as much as we can.
41.

ELLIOT
(discreet)
How do you trust them?
MR. ROBOT
I have them do an exercise. If they
pass, they become one of us. If they
fail...
ELLIOT
(realizing)
The DoS attack...last night...you
were testing me?
Mr. Robot takes off his jacket as he smiles yes. Elliot peers
back to the hackers.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
You said there was a project. What’s
the project?
MR. ROBOT
(nods)
We’ll get to all of that. I just
wanted you to meet the crew and show
you the place.
They walk back into the main room. Mr. Robot sits down with
the hackers, puts his earbuds in and slaps on a pair of
sunglasses. He picks up a beast of an Evil Corp laptop and
begins typing away. Elliot stands there, unsure of how to
proceed.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
(pulls out an earbud)
Not much for you to do without a CPU.
Go get one, come back when you’re
ready.

INT. NYC STREETS - DAY *
Elliot doesn’t walk the streets so carefully this time, as his
mind swims in the mystery of what he just witnessed.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m fucking crazy. I have to be
fucking crazy. Because, that didn’t
just happen, right? This is a
delusion. Is this a delusion? I’m a
schizo. Really? Have I really lost it
this time. No, last night happened.
It was real. We were in Virginia. *
Evil Corp’s servers were compromised.
Those are facts, not delusions. I
know, I know, I realize I’m saying
all of this to an imaginary person--
but I created you.
(takes a breath)
I didn’t create this.
42.

INT. ELLIOT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
Elliot walks into his hallway and sees Angela sitting outside
his door, smoking a cigarette by the window. She stands when
she sees him.
ANGELA
Thank God you’re here. I was just
about to go wait in that Starbucks on
the corner. You live in a bad
neighborhood, do you know that?
ELLIOT
I do know that.
She shows him a BACK TO THE FUTURE II DVD.
ANGELA
Wanna get high and watch our favorite
movie? You saved our asses last
night. I thought Gideon was
definitely going to fire me. Where
have you been? I thought you’d be
sleeping.
ELLIOT
I-- fell asleep on the train.
ANGELA
(skeptical)
Sounds like such a lie but, whatever,
I don’t wanna get into it right now.
So, you wanna do this? I miss Qwerty,
hope she’s happy to see me.
Elliot unlocks the door and they walk into the apartment.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT
Shayla sits up, still naked. She covers herself.
ELLIOT
Oh, shit.
SHAYLA
Um, Elliot, who is this? What day is
it? It’s not Wednesday, is it?
ELLIOT
(to Angela)
Look, can I talk to you outside?

Angela, looking at Shayla’s tattoos, doesn’t register Elliot’s
question at first, but then nods.
43.


HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
ELLIOT
She wasn’t supposed to be here.

ANGELA *
It’s okay. This is great, Elliot. I’m *
happy for you. *
ELLIOT
It’s not like that.
ANGELA
Well, maybe it should be. It’s good
that you’re dating. *

Elliot reluctantly nods in defeat.

ANGELA (CONT’D)
And stop looking so sad.
(he looks up)
You’re always looking sad--

INT. FUNERAL RECEPTION (FLASHBACK) - DAY

YOUNG ELLIOT (14) wears black. He looks sad, but doesn’t cry.
He sits alone in the corner. YOUNG ANGELA (14), also in black,
walks up to him.

YOUNG ANGELA
You’re always looking sad.

YOUNG ELLIOT
(caught off guard)
My dad died.

YOUNG ANGELA
I know.
(she sits next to him) *
But you’ve looked sad before. I’ve
seen you.

YOUNG ELLIOT
You have?

YOUNG ANGELA
Yeah.

This makes Elliot feel good. In fact, this might be the first
smile he can remember.

YOUNG ANGELA (CONT’D)
I’m gonna go--
44.


INT. ELLIOT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY (PRESENT DAY)

ANGELA
I’ll see you on Monday. We’ll do
movie night next time. I promise.
Okay?
(re: Shayla)
Oh, and have fun.

Elliot nods as she walks away. Frustrated, Elliot walks into
his apartment and immediately says:
ELLIOT
Shayla, leave. NOW.
CUT TO:
INSERT: Google, 4chan, reddit, message boards, craigslist,
blogs, news sites, etc.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
No mention of Mr. Robot anywhere. No *
mention of fsociety. Not on any of *
the hacker boards. Not on 4chan, *
Reddit, Digg, Slashdot, IRC. Nothing. *

INSERT: Google maps on the fsociety arcade. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Property was owned by Fun Society *
Amusement, LLC for thirteen years, *
owner was shot and killed a year and *
a half ago, no owner since. And the *
ownership history before that is *
sparse to nonexistent. This guy is *
good. Very good. Doesn’t matter. This *
is enough to turn them in. *

Elliot prints out the incriminating pages and files them in a *
blue manila envelope. *

Elliot sits back down, looking at the Google Maps picture of *
the fsociety arcade. The temptation is too strong, he cracks. *
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Elliot meets Mr. Robot's elusive hacking crew, learning about their strict anonymity rules and the mysterious 'project' they're working on. Angela's unexpected visit complicates his life, while Elliot's investigation into Fsociety raises suspicions. Despite gathering evidence to report them, he ultimately succumbs to the allure of joining the group, setting the stage for future conflicts.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Complex characters
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be confusing for viewers unfamiliar with hacking terminology

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, introducing new elements and characters while deepening the existing ones. It keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a secretive hacker group working towards a mysterious project is intriguing and sets up a complex and layered narrative. The introduction of Mr. Robot and the fsociety arcade adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of fsociety and the revelation of their project. Elliot's internal struggles and past traumas add emotional depth to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of hacker culture and explores the complexities of trust and secrecy within a hacker group. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Mr. Robot and Elliot, are well-developed and intriguing. Their interactions and dynamics drive the scene forward and add complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Elliot experiences internal conflict and growth throughout the scene, especially in his interactions with Angela and Mr. Robot. His past traumas and struggles are further explored, setting up potential character development in future episodes.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to understand the motives and methods of the hacker group he has been introduced to. He is seeking to uncover the truth behind their project and gain their trust.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to gather information about the hacker group's project and potentially use it as leverage or turn them in to authorities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the tension between Elliot and Mr. Robot, as well as the high stakes involved in the hacking world.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motives between Elliot and the hacker group. The uncertainty of their trust and the potential consequences of Elliot's actions create a sense of tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes, especially with the introduction of fsociety and their mysterious project. The tension and suspense are heightened, setting up a thrilling and engaging narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new elements and characters while deepening the existing plotlines. It sets up key conflicts and mysteries that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Elliot and the hacker group, as well as the revelation of new information about their project. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of hacking and the balance between trust and security. Mr. Robot's emphasis on secrecy and encryption challenges Elliot's beliefs about communication and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, especially in Elliot's interactions with Angela and his internal struggles. The reveal of Mr. Robot and the introduction of fsociety add depth and emotion to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing important information about the characters and their motivations. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience invested.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high-stakes conflict, and intriguing characters. The tension between Elliot and the hacker group keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a reveal of information, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing keeps the audience engaged and the formatting is appropriate for the genre.


Critique
  • The scene introduces the fsociety arcade and its members, but it lacks depth in character development. The hackers are described briefly without much insight into their personalities or motivations.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Robot and Elliot feels a bit exposition-heavy, with Mr. Robot explaining the history of LulzSec and the importance of meeting in person. This could be delivered in a more natural and engaging way.
  • The transition from the arcade to Elliot's inner monologue about his sanity feels a bit abrupt and disjointed. It could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The flashback to Young Elliot and Young Angela at the funeral reception adds some emotional depth, but it could be integrated more seamlessly into the present-day narrative.
  • The scene ends with Elliot deciding to turn in fsociety, which feels rushed and lacks a sense of internal conflict or moral dilemma. This pivotal moment could be more impactful with a deeper exploration of Elliot's conflicting feelings.
Suggestions
  • Develop the characters of the hackers at the fsociety arcade to make them more engaging and memorable. Give them distinct personalities and motivations.
  • Find a more organic way to deliver exposition about LulzSec and the importance of in-person meetings, perhaps through character interactions or actions.
  • Smooth out the transition between different elements of the scene, such as the inner monologue, flashback, and present-day interactions.
  • Integrate the flashback to Young Elliot and Young Angela more seamlessly into the narrative, ensuring it adds depth to Elliot's character development.
  • Enhance the climax of the scene where Elliot decides to turn in fsociety by delving deeper into his internal conflict and moral dilemma, making the decision more impactful.



Scene 12 -  Confusion and Tension at the Arcade
EXT. CONEY ISLAND STREETS - LATER
Elliot, carrying his bulky bookbag, walks through the slums of
Coney Island, back to the fsociety arcade.
Outside, Marlene sits on the curb and smokes. She has fuzzy
pink ear muffs on to protect her from the cold air.
Elliot enters through the metal gate and walks up to her. She
doesn’t say anything to him.
ELLIOT
Hey, I’m Elliot.
45.

Marlene shoots him an odd look.
MARLENE
Fucking weirdo.
(off his confused look)
When are you gonna give us the
password?
ELLIOT
What?
MARLENE
Don’t fuck with me, I wrote that
rootkit. I still have to run the IP
trace back to Colby’s laptop.
(off his confused look)
You really don’t know what I’m
talking about?

Marlene shakes her head with disgust and flicks her cigarette.
MARLENE (CONT’D)
Dickhead.
She gets up and walks towards the back, leaving Elliot
perplexed. Mr. Robot enters from the street, through the gate,
holding a grocery bag full of goodies.
MR. ROBOT
Elliot! I scored the last batch of
twinkies at Gristedes. Want one?
ELLIOT
She just called me a dickhead.
MR. ROBOT
(smiles)
Yeah, that’s Marlene.
(gestures toward the
Ferris wheel)
Hey, you like Ferris wheels?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot walks through the slums of Coney Island back to the fsociety arcade where Marlene sits outside and asks him for the password. Confused, Elliot is unsure what she is referring to. Marlene, frustrated, reveals she wrote the rootkit and needs to trace back to Colby's laptop. She calls Elliot a dickhead and leaves. Mr. Robot enters, offering Elliot a twinkie and asking about Ferris wheels, leaving Elliot questioning Marlene's insult.
Strengths
  • Intriguing characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces new elements to the story, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of hacking, secrecy, and underground activities is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot thickens with the introduction of the fsociety arcade and Marlene's involvement in hacking activities.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and gritty setting, complex character interactions, and a blend of humor and tension. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marlene and Mr. Robot, are intriguing and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is not much character development or change in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal is to gain Marlene's trust and access to the password she is referring to. This reflects his need for validation and acceptance, as well as his desire to uncover the truth behind Colby's laptop.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to obtain the password and information from Marlene to further his investigation into Colby's laptop. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his mission to take down E Corp.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a conflict between Elliot and Marlene regarding the password and their respective roles in the hacking activities.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marlene's hostility and Elliot's persistence creating a compelling conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Elliot delves deeper into the world of hacking and underground activities.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to Marlene's unexpected hostility towards Elliot and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marlene's distrust and hostility towards Elliot, and Elliot's persistence in trying to gain her cooperation. This challenges Elliot's belief in the power of technology and manipulation to achieve his goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more focused on building tension and intrigue rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and reveals information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, leading to a satisfying progression of the interaction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical format for a character-driven drama, with clear character introductions, conflict, and dialogue-driven progression.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the audience slightly disoriented as to how Elliot ended up in Coney Island.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Marlene feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging for the audience.
  • The character of Marlene is introduced abruptly and her behavior towards Elliot seems overly hostile without much context or development.
  • The introduction of Mr. Robot with the twinkies feels out of place and disrupts the tension that was building between Elliot and Marlene.
  • The scene ends with a random question about Ferris wheels, which doesn't seem to have a clear connection to the rest of the scene or the overall plot.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition to show how Elliot ended up in Coney Island, providing more context for the audience.
  • Develop the dialogue between Elliot and Marlene to add depth to their interaction and make it more engaging for the audience.
  • Provide more background information on Marlene to explain her hostility towards Elliot and make her character more believable.
  • Integrate Mr. Robot's entrance more seamlessly into the scene to maintain the tension and flow of the interaction between Elliot and Marlene.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions in the scene contribute to the overall plot and character development, avoiding random or disconnected elements like the mention of Ferris wheels.



Scene 13 -  The Ferris Wheel Confrontation
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - FERRIS WHEEL - DAY
Elliot and Mr. Robot stand in a slow-moving, empty Ferris
wheel car as it does its circular motion up. Mr. Robot looks
down at the sparse crowd with a grin, eating a twinkie.

ELLIOT
I’m here to tell you that I’m turning
you in. I’m giving them the IP and
mac address, plus the logs--

MR. ROBOT
Let me tell you why you’re really
here.
46.


Confused, Elliot says nothing.

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
You’re here because you sense
something wrong with the world.
Something you can’t explain, but you
know it controls you and everyone you
care about. It turns them into
slaves. And that angers you.

ELLIOT
What are you talking about?
MR. ROBOT
Money. Money hasn’t been real ever
since we got off the gold standard.
(turns to Elliot)
It’s become virtual. Software. The
operating system of our world. And
the rules are simple: those who have
less of it are forever subjugated to
those who have more of it.
ELLIOT
Money? Is that what you and your
little family back there do? Steal
money?

MR. ROBOT
(offended)
This isn’t the mafia. We’re not a
family. Family members trust each
other, and that’s what usually fucks
them. This isn’t about trust, it’s
about freedom.
ELLIOT
Any of those guys back there can call
the cops on you anytime. Fuck, they
can call the cops on me.
MR. ROBOT
They’d do that whether I trusted them
or not. They’re selfish, just like
everyone else. They’re gonna always
do what’s in their best interest, and
as long as I know that, everyone’s on
the level. Right now, it would be in
no one’s interest to call the cops.
Not when we’re this close.
ELLIOT
Close? To what?
Mr. Robot’s smile returns.
47.

MR. ROBOT
Well, Elliot, we’re on the verge of
taking down this virtual reality.
(gestures outside)
The one out there.
ELLIOT
(long stare)
Are you crazy? Is that what this is?
Are you some crazy rich man that’s on
mescaline or something--

MR. ROBOT
It’s pure economics. What if you took
down one conglomerate-- a
conglomerate so deeply entrenched in
the world economy, that too big to
fail doesn’t even come close to
describing it.

ELLIOT
(skeptical)
Doesn’t exist. They’d find some way
around it, they always do--

MR. ROBOT
We’ve run the simulations. Even in
the best case scenarios, this
conglomerate’s collapse couldn’t be
saved.
(eats another twinkie)
And if this conglomerate goes down,
well...it’d be a domino effect. Every
crony partner company dependent on
them would fall shortly after. Their
bought governments after that. In
eight months, their entire empire
would be erased from history.
ELLIOT
You want to create another financial
meltdown? Like the one we just had,
but way worse? Why would I want that?
Everyone would lose their money--

MR. ROBOT
What if I were to say that this same
conglomerate also happens to own
seventy percent of the global
consumer credit industry? That if we
hit their data centers right, we
could systematically format all the
servers, including backup--

ELLIOT
That would erase--
48.


MR. ROBOT
All the debt we owe them. Every
record of every credit card, loan and
mortgage-- wiped clean. Without a
single digital trace, it’d be
impossible to reinforce outdated
paper records. It’ll be gone-- the
biggest single instance of wealth
redistribution in history.

Elliot realizes what he’s talking about. To underline this, he
sees an Evil Corp logo proudly displayed on top of a building
in the horizon.
ELLIOT
The conglomerate. This is about Evil
Corp.
(off his look)
That’s why you picked me. Because I
work at AllSafe.

Mr. Robot hands him a slip of paper with an IP address.

MR. ROBOT
Tomorrow, AllSafe is going to get a
visit from the FBI and the US Cyber
Command. Put this IP trace on the
rootkit with the diagnostics you give
them. Trenton found Colby’s encrypted
laptop address from Facebook.

ELLIOT
You wanna frame Terry Colby for the
hack? No one’s gonna believe that. I
met him, he’s a moron.
MR. ROBOT
So are the FBI. Even if they don’t
believe he did it, they’ll believe he
gave someone access to it.
ELLIOT
But, he’ll just go to jail. What will
that do?
MR. ROBOT
You don’t take down a conglomerate by
shooting them once in the heart.
That’s the thing about conglomerates,
they don’t have hearts. You take them
down, limb by limb. And once they
unravel...
(gestures out to the
people)
Their illusion of control goes with
it.
49.

Elliot takes a hard look at Mr. Robot, questioning his
seemingly altruistic motives.
ELLIOT
Who are you?
Mr. Robot lights a cigarette.
MR. ROBOT
That’ll all come later. You have a
lot to think about it. You have to
turn in that report tomorrow, and
Colby’s IP trace has to be in it. You
do that, and you will have set in
motion the biggest revolution the
world will ever see.

Elliot’s look of doubt is all but whittled away.

ELLIOT
What if I get caught?

MR. ROBOT
If you can get caught, then you're
not good enough to do this.

ELLIOT
(challenged but confident)
What makes you think I would do this
anyway? What makes you think I give a
shit about Evil Corp?

Mr. Robot nods, fair question. He lifts himself up on the old *
Ferris wheel car, as it squeaks loudly. He stands on the edge, *
holding onto the sides as it swings high above. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
What are you doing-- *

MR. ROBOT *
I know you feel pain, Elliot. I know *
you feel loneliness. We all do. It’s *
not our fault. We want the pain to *
stop. Not the bullshit pain people *
cry about on blogs, but real pain-- *

Mr. Robot lets go of one of the sides as he looks down below *
at the hard pavement. The OPERATOR down below sees Mr. Robot. *

OPERATOR *
Hey! What are you doing? Are you *
crazy?! *

MR. ROBOT *
GO FUCK YOURSELF! *
50.


OPERATOR *
ASSHOLE! *

Mr. Robot closes his eyes as he ponders jumping. He’s *
immediately filled with emotion. *

MR. ROBOT *
I’m so fucking tired of our only *
options being to put our heads down *
or get knocked the fuck down-- *

Mr. Robot tears up from the deep sadness. He turns to face *
Elliot, letting go of both sides, balancing himself with only *
his legs as the old car swings. A small crowd has now formed *
below to watch the impending jumper. *

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D) *
I want my head up! I want to see the *
world for the first time, not through *
their eyes, not what they allow me to *
see, but what I want to see-- *

The Ferris wheel starts its decline as the infuriated operator *
hurriedly tries to bring it back. Mr. Robot’s balance wavers *
as the car moves. He slips and almost falls back-- *

The crowd gasps as they point-- *

Mr. Robot reaches for the side of the car but can’t grab it-- *

Elliot leaps forward and grabs Mr. Robot’s hand. Mr. Robot *
holds his hand. It’s a rare moment of human contact for *
Elliot, and it’s powerful. Mr. Robot climbs back into the car *
with a smile. *

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
I know you know what I’m talking
about. It’s the part of you that
didn’t delete the rootkit. It’s that
part of you that told you to come
back here. It’s that part of you that
hates Evil Corp for killing your
father.
Elliot is speechless.

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
Put that fucking IP trace in the
diagnostic tomorrow.
The ride finally finishes. Their carriage returns.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
(eats another twinkie)
Looks like our ride is over.
51.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot and Mr. Robot confront each other on a Ferris Wheel, with Mr. Robot threatening to jump unless Elliot agrees to join his plan to take down Evil Corp. Elliot reluctantly agrees, and Mr. Robot instructs him to put the IP trace in the diagnostic report tomorrow.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly philosophical or exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a compelling mix of intense dialogue, emotional depth, and thought-provoking themes. It sets up a significant turning point in the story and leaves the audience eager to see how the characters' actions will unfold.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of taking down a powerful conglomerate through a carefully orchestrated hack is innovative and captivating. It introduces complex ideas about wealth redistribution, societal control, and the impact of technology on modern life.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, as Elliot is presented with a moral dilemma and a potential opportunity for rebellion. The introduction of fsociety and their plan to target Evil Corp adds layers of intrigue and sets the stage for future conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh ideas about hacking, power dynamics, and rebellion, offering a unique take on familiar themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Elliot and Mr. Robot, are well-developed and intriguing. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity, inner turmoil, and conflicting motivations, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot undergoes a significant internal shift in this scene, moving from uncertainty and doubt to a sense of purpose and rebellion. His interaction with Mr. Robot sparks a transformation in his worldview and sets him on a new path.

Internal Goal: 9

Elliot's internal goal is to understand his place in the world and to confront his feelings of anger and helplessness. He is seeking a sense of purpose and control over his life.

External Goal: 8

Elliot's external goal is to follow Mr. Robot's plan to hack Evil Corp and take down a conglomerate. This reflects his immediate challenge of deciding whether to take a risky and potentially illegal action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Elliot grapples with his moral compass, his desire for change, and his fear of consequences. The tension between his personal beliefs and societal norms creates a palpable sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting ideologies, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' choices and the outcome of their actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as Elliot is faced with a moral dilemma that could have far-reaching consequences. The potential impact of targeting Evil Corp and the risks involved in challenging a powerful conglomerate add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key plot points, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the characters' arcs. It lays the groundwork for a larger narrative arc centered around resistance, revolution, and personal growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral ambiguity, and complex character motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will act.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the nature of power, control, and rebellion. Mr. Robot challenges Elliot's beliefs about money and the system, forcing him to question his values and motivations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and defiance to hope and introspection. The characters' emotional turmoil and the weight of their decisions resonate with the audience, drawing them into the narrative on a deep level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and laden with philosophical musings and emotional resonance. It effectively conveys the characters' motivations, fears, and desires, driving the scene forward with intensity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, moral dilemmas, and high stakes. The dialogue and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, emotional peaks, and moments of reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, emotional climax, and resolution. It effectively conveys the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong confrontation between Elliot and Mr. Robot, but the transition feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Mr. Robot is heavy on exposition and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The tone of the scene shifts from tense to philosophical to emotional quite rapidly, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The visual of Mr. Robot standing on the edge of the Ferris wheel and contemplating jumping feels a bit melodramatic and could be toned down for a more realistic approach.
  • The emotional climax of the scene, where Elliot grabs Mr. Robot's hand to prevent him from jumping, is powerful but could be more effectively built up to for a greater impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository, allowing the characters' emotions and motivations to come through in a more subtle way.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to ensure a smoother transition between different emotional beats and themes.
  • Focus on creating a more gradual build-up to the emotional climax of the scene, allowing the tension to escalate organically.
  • Consider toning down the melodrama of Mr. Robot's contemplation of jumping off the Ferris wheel to make it feel more grounded and realistic.
  • Explore ways to enhance the visual storytelling of the scene to better convey the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' interactions.



Scene 14 -  Elliot's Plan for Angela's Debt
INT. CONEY ISLAND STREETS - LATER

Elliot walks fast as a small smile begins to grow on his face.
He listens to Neil Diamond’s “If You Go Away.” He stops short
to see a billboard of a college student with a sad face. The
copy reads: “How am I ever going to pay back my student
loans?” Underneath: EVIL CORP

NEIL DIAMOND
If you go away on this summer day

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - NIGHT

Elliot can’t contain the flurry of emotions pulsing through
his entire body. The intercom is in the midst of playing a
commercial:

SUBWAY INTERCOM
--just log on to www.evilcorp.com to
purchase now...
(repeating)
Hello! Wanna save on your health
insurance premiums? At Evil Corp, we
not only laugh at you for thinking
that, but we charge you more for
it...

Sensing Elliot’s excitement, a CHILD smiles at him. Touched,
Elliot smiles back. The MOM, noticing the exchange, shoots a
friendly look at Elliot.

NEIL DIAMOND
Then you might as well take the sun
away
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT

Elliot types away on his computer, we see text as he’s
skipping around. HuffPost - Mortgage lenders now have more
equity in U.S. homes than Americans. BBC - The global gap
between rich and poor is at its highest level for 20 years and
growing. NY TIMES - Debt Slavery, The New American Dream.

He pulls up another browser window and logs into Citibank’s
site. We see that the account belongs to Angela. He clicks
through her statements and lands on her private Evil Corp
student loans. She owes $197,455.64.

Elliot looks over at Mr. Robot’s slip of paper next to him. He
opens a new command-line and begins typing up the report.

MOMENTS LATER
The final pages of the new diagnostic report prints out. He
places the report in a red manila envelope.
52.


MOMENTS LATER
Faintly smiling, Elliot sleeps soundly in his bed. The E logo
of Elliot’s Evil Corp desktop pulses in sleep mode, casting a
shadow on Elliot periodically.

NEIL DIAMOND
If you go away, as I know you must

INT. NYC SUBWAY - PLATFORM - LATER

As Elliot waits for the subway, he stares at a poster for a
blockbuster movie called VILLAINS, the tagline reads: Evil
Always Wins.

NEIL DIAMOND
There'll be nothing left in this
world to trust

The MEN IN BLACK on the platform sneak Elliot looks. Elliot’s
excitement from the night before starts a slow descent.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NEXT MORNING
WORKERS file in for another day, but the mood is somber. Terry
Colby and his Evil Corp executives are crowded in the
conference room. FBI Agents are also walking in and out.
Gideon looks stressed. The air is thick with tension. Colby
wants someone’s head on a platter.

Angela walks in with a worried look. Ali walks in, sharing the
same look of dread as everyone else.

NEIL DIAMOND
Just an empty room, full of empty
space

Elliot nervously walks in, eyeing his blue and red manila
envelopes. The smile from the night before is now but a
distant memory.

NEIL DIAMOND (CONT’D)
Like the empty look, I see on your
face...

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

Gideon, AllSafe account executives, FBI, Evil Corp execs,
Tyrell and Terry Colby himself surround the expansive table.
The red manila envelope sits in front of Elliot. He’s sweating
profusely as he swaps the red back into his bag for the blue. *
He shakes his head in disappointment. *

Tyrell Wellick notes the folder swap.
53.


NEIL DIAMOND
The good's gone from goodbye, if you
go away, if you go away, if you go
away....
TERRY COLBY
So, what do we got?
GIDEON
So, if you take a look at the first
page of the agenda--

Everyone flips over one page of their packet. Terry looks over
at Elliot. Elliot nervously looks back.
TERRY COLBY
You’re the one we sent to Virginia?
(off Elliot’s nervous nod)
Great work. The gals in analysis said
this was a tough one. All things
being equal, that should have shut us
down for days. So, you did good.

ELLIOT
(uncomfortable)
Okay.

Gideon tries to move on.

GIDEON
We should start with our account
executive, Angela, who handled the
initial alert. Elliot comes in later.
Angela awkwardly waves. Terry isn’t impressed.
TERRY COLBY
Okay then. What do we have, Angela?
Walk us through this thing.
ANGELA
We first noticed the breach at 2:07
A.M. Eastern Standard on Friday night-
TERRY COLBY
You mean, Saturday?
ANGELA
Sorry, yes, Saturday. Technically,
Saturday morning.
TERRY COLBY
(condescending)
Yeah, Angela, that’s what we’re here
for. The technicals.

Noting the condescension, Angela hides her anger.
54.

ANGELA
Right, I’m sorry. Anyway, he arrived
at the office at 2:35--
TERRY COLBY
So, almost a half hour after the
initial breach? Why didn’t anyone
pipe in from their laptops?
ANGELA
It’s not protocol--
ELLIOT
It wouldn’t have been secure if
someone terminaled in on this. It
would have put the servers at more
risk. It was the smarter move to have
someone come in so they can login on
a secure line.

ANGELA
(annoyed)
Exactly. Then Lloyd was able to--
TERRY COLBY
Actually, one sec, hon.
Terry gestures to Gideon. Gideon leans in and Terry whispers
something in his ear. From the look on Gideon’s face, it’s not
good. Angela looks like she’s gonna flip out.
After the brief exchange, Gideon walks over to Angela and
relays the message. Angela angrily collects her papers and
walks out of the conference room.
TERRY COLBY (CONT’D)
(to Elliot)
Let’s pick it up where you left off.
ELLIOT
What happened to Angela? She was the
account exec on this--
TERRY COLBY
She’s not gonna work out for us. Not
on this level. We wanna stick to the
more tech savvy here. Now, let’s get
right to the heart of this thing,
because I can’t sit here and read a
packet for the next twenty minutes.
Who did this? Were you guys able to
find that out or not?
Elliot’s eyes shift back and forth between the embarrassed
Angela who is walking down the hallway, the red manila
envelope still in his bag and Terry Colby’s curious look.
Elliot instantly gains courage. He swaps the blue manila for
the red.
55.

ELLIOT
I have all the diagnostics right
here. We were able to track down the
IP address, including the traceroute.
Timestamped and everything. I will
also provide an encrypted PDF
version.
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - ELLIOT’S CUBICLE - LATER
Elliot nervously watches from his cubicle as the FBI, Colby
and the rest of the execs examine the diagnostics.
His eyes wander to the head of the office to glimpse Angela
talking to Gideon. Gideon hugs her as she walks out the door.
Gideon walks over to Elliot and Lloyd’s cubicle.
ELLIOT
Is she gonna be okay?
GIDEON
Yeah, I told her to take the rest of
the day off. I’m gonna move her off
the Evil Corp account. I’m gonna
assign Ali to you guys.

Elliot eyes Ali across the way. Elliot sinks in his seat and
shakes off the disturbing thought. His eyes shift back to the
FBI and Colby. He looks at you with concern. *
*
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - MORNING
Elliot hasn’t slept and it shows. He quickly checks his phone.
Google alerts: 0. He busts out his laptop and quickly searches
around news blogs and hacker boards. His face falls.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Nineteen days... no news, no arrests, *
no revolution.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot presents the diagnostics to the FBI and Evil Corp executives, hoping to help Angela with her student loan debt. Gideon moves Angela off the Evil Corp account, resolving the conflict between her and Terry Colby.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Effective portrayal of emotions
  • Relevant and engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the stakes for the characters involved. The mix of anxiety, disappointment, and dread creates a compelling atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a cyber attack on a major corporation and the subsequent investigation is engaging and relevant. The scene effectively portrays the aftermath and the challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters deal with the fallout of the cyber attack and navigate the tensions within the office. The introduction of high stakes adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on corporate power, surveillance, and moral ambiguity, offering a nuanced portrayal of societal issues and individual agency. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show a range of emotions and reactions, adding depth to the scene. Elliot's internal struggle and Angela's disappointment are particularly well portrayed.

Character Changes: 6

Elliot experiences a shift in courage and determination as he decides to take action in the face of adversity. Angela also undergoes a change as she deals with disappointment and pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal is to navigate the moral complexities of his actions and the consequences they may have on his relationships and personal values.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to successfully navigate the meeting with Terry Colby and the FBI, while also managing the fallout from Angela's dismissal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, especially Angela and Terry Colby, adds intensity to the scene. The high stakes and the pressure to find the culprit create a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting agendas, power dynamics, and moral dilemmas that challenge the protagonist and drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involved in the cyber attack and its impact on the characters' lives create a sense of urgency and importance. The scene emphasizes the risks and consequences of the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the aftermath of the cyber attack and setting up the next steps for the characters. It introduces new challenges and conflicts that drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions, plot developments, and moral choices, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethics of corporate power, surveillance, and individual agency. Elliot's actions challenge the oppressive systems of Evil Corp while also grappling with his own moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, disappointment, and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles. The emotional impact sets the tone for the rest of the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and anxiety present in the scene. It also reveals the dynamics between the characters and their reactions to the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, character dynamics, and thematic depth, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's journey and moral dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of decision-making that propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue sequences.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment of decision-making for the protagonist.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different locations and events without a cohesive thread to tie them together.
  • The transition between Elliot's actions, thoughts, and surroundings is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow and engage with the scene.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially in the interactions between characters like Angela, Terry Colby, and Elliot.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and connection with the characters, making it challenging for the audience to empathize or relate to their experiences.
  • The visual descriptions are sparse and do not effectively create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a central conflict or goal for Elliot in this scene to drive the narrative forward and engage the audience.
  • Streamline the transitions between locations and events to create a more coherent and fluid storyline.
  • Work on developing more authentic and organic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the scene by delving into the internal struggles and relationships of the characters.
  • Provide more detailed and vivid visual descriptions to create a rich and immersive setting for the scene.



Scene 15 -  Elliot's Manipulative Confrontation
INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - DAY
Elliot looks around for Mr. Robot.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
No Mr. Robot on the subway.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - DAY
Elliot walks by the fsociety arcade, but it’s abandoned. No
wires, no hackers, no Mr. Robot.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
No signs of anyone at the arcade.
56.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - DAY
Elliot walks in, he sees Angela ahead of him. She’s dyed her
hair jet black. He tries to catch up and say hi, but she gives
him the cold shoulder.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
(eyes the empty conference
room)
No FBI, Colby, Evil Corp. Maybe Mr. *
Robot was wrong after all. *
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE - LATER
Bored, Elliot stares at his computer screen. A banner ad for
the movie VILLAINS flashes on a website.

EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY *
Elliot walks down the street on his cell.
ELLIOT
Hi, this is Sam from Wells Fargo
security fraud department.
Unfortunately, we have to inform you
that your account has been
compromised.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
What? Really? What happened?
ELLIOT
First, before I can continue, I need
to verify some information. Are you
still at 350 Hawthorne Avenue?
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Yes. Apartment 2C.
ELLIOT
Great. And the last four of your
social security?
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Umm...6457.
ELLIOT
Mother’s maiden.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Faben.
ELLIOT
And your security question...
A painful pause on the phone.
57.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
I always stretch for this one.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Oh, um, I think, dog’s name. Flipper.
Wasn’t it that?

INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot sits in front of his rundown, stickered up Evil Corp
desktop as a command line program runs password checks with
the keywords Elliot has inputted.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
With those details plus a dictionary *
hack, it’ll take my program maybe two *
minutes to crack his password. *
While he waits, Elliot goes on Facebook and looks up Angela.
He scans through the pictures of her and Ali. Christmas
vacations, Halloween, beach parties, barbecues, etc.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
What I wouldn’t give to be normal. To
live in that bubble, the reality of
the naive.
He switches Facebook accounts to Krista, his therapist. More
happy pictures of families, vacations, friends.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
That’s how I justify this. To keep
their optimism intact. To protect
them.
His password program BEEPS. He switches screens hurriedly and
discovers the program didn’t come up with a single match.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
How? He’s too old to have a
complicated password. It had to have
been a combination of these things.
Elliot puts his head down and thinks.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m missing something. I’m missing
something. I’m missing something.
He closes his eyes. He slouches as he rocks back and forth in
his chair. His leg twitches rapidly as he mumbles thoughts to
himself. Finally, he looks up at his screen.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
His phone number. *
He quickly goes on Google and does a reverse look-up on
Michael’s phone number.
58.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Michael Hansen isn’t his real name.

Elliot sits back, disappointed.
EXT. 350 HAWTHORNE AVENUE - NIGHT
Michael walks down his street carrying a screaming baby. His
WIFE walks next to him. They exchange words before she heads
into the corner convenience store and he walks towards their
apartment building, baby in arms. Elliot sits on his stoop, in
his hoodie, smoking a cigarette, waiting for him.
Elliot’s silhouette takes Michael by surprise.
ELLIOT
You’re gonna stop seeing Krista.
The sound of her name immediately makes Michael’s eyes grow
wide. Elliot stands and faces him. The baby cries.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
You’re gonna break up with her
tonight and you’re never going to see
her again.
MICHAEL
(recognizing him)
You’re the guy that used my phone--
ELLIOT
You cheated on your current wife with
seven different women and I have
digital proof of all of this.
Stunned, Michael remains still. His wife stands in line at the
checkout.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Ashley Madison, online escorts, fake
Facebook pages. I have it all. And if
you don’t break up with Krista
tonight, your wife will know
everything along with the police.
MICHAEL
The police?
ELLIOT
Two of the escorts were fifteen.
Michael puts his head down with a wince. The baby screams
louder.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
That part I made up. But he did have
a proclivity for young escorts that
helped the lie.
59.

ELLIOT
But I’m not going to do any of that
as long as you break up with Krista.
Tonight.
Michael looks up at him, now out of fear. His wife is putting
away her wallet and is about to walk out.
MICHAEL
Done. I’ll breakup with her--
ELLIOT
You’re also gonna tell her the truth.
That you’re married. That you cheat
on your wife. That you hire
prostitutes. That you never had any
intention of being serious with her.
MICHAEL
Why? That would destroy her.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Exactly. Krista needs to avoid
dickheads like you in the future. Her
radar needs fixing.
ELLIOT
I’ll know if you skip a detail. So
don’t, or the emails go beaming out.
Michael nods quickly as his wife exits the store.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Oh, and one last thing. Need you to
go upstairs and get something for me.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot brings Michael’s dog, Flipper, home-- much to the
chagrin of Qwerty.
ELLIOT
Come on, Qwerty, he’s nice.
Qwerty isn’t happy, her back raised as she scurries to the top
of the kitchen counters.
Elliot gives the dog some water. He laps it up happily.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Good boy.

MOMENTS LATER

Elliot is on his computer burning a CD. The folder he’s
copying is called MICHAEL HANSEN FILES. Once the burn is
complete, he pulls out a sharpie and labels it PINK FLOYD -
WISH YOU WERE HERE.
60.


He grabs a large CD Case from underneath his bed and flips it
open. Several other CDs labeled everything from the BEATLES to
ZEPPELIN are in there. He files the newly fake-labeled CD and
sends the envelope back under his bed.
He jumps back on his computer and deletes the Michael Hansen
folder. With a small hope in his eyes, he checks his browser
for news alerts again. Nothing. He goes to bed.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY
Elliot sits in his usual chair. He looks at Krista, who looks
disheveled and completely out of it.
ELLIOT
Krista?
(off her look)
Are you okay?
KRISTA
(clears her throat)
Sorry. I’m fine. Go on.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
The look of disillusionment. He told
her. She cried all night. Now comes
the sadness. I don’t like seeing her *
sad.
ELLIOT
I think Angela blames me for what
happened with the Evil Corp meeting.
What do I do? I need to talk to her.
KRISTA
I think you just answered your own
question.
(off his look)
Talk to her.
ELLIOT
But she won’t respond to any of my
texts or emails--
KRISTA
Go to her apartment, knock on her
door and tell her you need to talk.
(pointed)
Communication is key, Elliot. Real
human interaction. That’s what’s
important for you right now.

Elliot takes in the ground-breaking idea.
EXT. ANGELA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
He knocks, then nervously waits for Angela to open the door.
61.

She does. It’s clear by the look on her face she’s as shocked
as he is that he’s there.

After a hesitation, Angela lets him in.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot searches for Mr. Robot in various locations in NYC, including the subway and an abandoned arcade. He then goes to Allsafe offices where he sees Angela with black hair. Unable to crack a password, he confronts Michael about cheating and blackmails him into breaking up with Krista. The scene ends with Elliot knocking on Angela's door and entering her apartment.
Strengths
  • Intense character interactions
  • Revealing character motivations
  • Building tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and reveals important character dynamics and motivations. It keeps the audience on edge and sets up significant developments for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of manipulation, secrets, and emotional turmoil is well-executed in the scene. It explores complex character motivations and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about Elliot's actions and the impact on other characters. It sets up new conflicts and challenges for the protagonist.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its unconventional storytelling techniques, morally ambiguous characters, and intricate plot developments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Elliot, are well-developed in this scene. Their motivations, conflicts, and emotional states are clearly portrayed, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Elliot undergoes a subtle change in this scene, showcasing his manipulative side and the emotional toll of his actions. His relationships with other characters are also affected.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and solve the mystery surrounding Mr. Robot and the various events happening around him. This reflects his need for control, understanding, and a desire to protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal is to confront Michael and manipulate him into breaking up with Krista. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with a morally ambiguous situation and using his skills to achieve his objectives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Elliot manipulating Michael and dealing with the consequences of his actions. There is tension and emotional turmoil throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elliot facing moral dilemmas, ethical challenges, and conflicting motivations. The audience is unsure of how the situation will resolve, adding complexity and depth to the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Elliot's actions impacting the lives of other characters and setting the stage for major conflicts. The tension and consequences are palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, setting up new conflicts, and deepening character dynamics. It paves the way for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and character revelations that keep the audience guessing and on edge. The outcome of Elliot's actions is uncertain, adding tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of using manipulation and deception to achieve a perceived greater good. It challenges Elliot's beliefs about morality, justice, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in Elliot's interactions with Michael and Angela. It evokes feelings of tension, empathy, and intrigue.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys tension and emotion in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and intriguing plot developments. The audience is drawn into the mystery and invested in Elliot's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of slower, introspective moments and faster-paced dialogue and action sequences. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and narrative flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different locations and timelines to build suspense and reveal information gradually. It effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about Elliot's motivations and actions.
  • The transition between locations is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult to follow the sequence of events.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially during the phone conversation with Michael about his compromised account.
  • Elliot's behavior towards Michael, while intended to be morally ambiguous, comes off as manipulative and unethical.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to engage the audience in Elliot's internal struggles and conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience understand Elliot's actions and decisions.
  • Improve the flow of the scene by creating smoother transitions between locations and events.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and realistic dialogue to enhance the believability of the interactions.
  • Consider revising Elliot's approach towards Michael to make it more morally complex and thought-provoking.
  • Add layers of emotional depth to Elliot's character to make his internal struggles more relatable and engaging.



Scene 16 -  Unresolved Confrontation and Mysterious Arrest
INT. ANGELA’S APARTMENT
Elliot looks around her apartment. It’s well kept, friendly
and warm. It’s the opposite of his place. CNBC plays muted on
the flatscreen hanging on the wall.
ANGELA
What’s going on?
ELLIOT
You won’t talk to me. You haven’t
talked to me since the Evil Corp
meeting--
ANGELA
I don’t want to talk to you, because
I feel embarrassed every time I think
about what happened. I’ll get over
it, it’s fine.
ELLIOT
It’s been three weeks--
ANGELA
You didn’t have to take care of me in
there. I know you were trying to
help, but just don’t do it again.
Even if I’m losing. Let me lose.
Okay?
(off his confused look)
Don’t look confused, just say okay.
Elliot nods. She puts her head down, disappointed in herself.
Though this is awkward for him, Elliot slowly hugs her.
ANGELA (CONT’D)
Elliot... I’m sorry...
A momentary hesitation as they eye each other. The moment
quickly feels like it could be a kiss. But then Elliot
realizes Angela’s eyes are looking behind him. He turns.

ON TV:
Terry Colby is arrested by FBI and taken into custody. A CNBC
banner reads:
BREAKING - CTO of Evil Corp, Terry Colby, has been arrested
for his alleged role in Evil’s high-profile hacking.
Elliot’s eyes go wide.
62.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
No fucking way.
Angela turns up the volume. *
ON TV:
TERRY COLBY
No comment, no comment, no comment.
NEWS REPORTER
FBI agents claim that Colby either
used hacking groups or worked in
conjunction with them to pressure
Evil Corp during his contract
negotiations. After a long and
exhaustive investigation, sources
close to the FBI have confirmed that
the hacks were in part tied to Terry
Colby’s personal laptop.
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot walks down the street, no longer in a zombified,
shiftless state-- but with life and purpose.

He looks at his phone. News alert headlines read: EVIL CORP’S
STOCK DOWN ON NEWS OF CYBERCRIME.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
(incredulous)
It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s
happening. It’s happening.
Elliot stops in Times Square and looks at the TV’s around him
announcing news of the disastrous Evil Corp scandal.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Maybe I can change the system by
hating it!!

He stretches his arms out like he’s just won the gold--
A limo screeches to a halt in front of him. A MAN IN BLACK
jumps out and opens the door. Elliot’s smile is long gone.

MAN IN BLACK
Sir, step inside the car.

Other MEN IN BLACK stand behind Elliot. Sweating immediately,
Elliot even notices POLICE looking the other way.

MAN IN BLACK (CONT’D)
Sir. Get inside the vehicle. Now.

Helpless, Elliot slowly climbs in. The limo peels out. *
63.


INT. LIMO (MOVING) - DAY

Elliot sits across from two other MEN IN BLACK. An eerie
silence is the only sound that occupies the limo.
INT. SKY RISE - ELEVATOR (MOVING) - DAY
A nervous wreck, Elliot stands in the high speed elevator as
it quickly climbs several stories into the air.
The elevator DINGS when it reaches the top floor. The MAN IN
BLACK by the doors opens the digital latch with his phone. The
doors open and almost immediately we hear LOUD ARGUING.

MAN IN BLACK
Go ahead.

ELLIOT
(nervous)
Where are we?

MAN IN BLACK
Sir, go on in.

INT. TOP FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Elliot enters alone. He sees a number of MEN circle around a
grand conference table. We only see their silhouettes, as they
bicker and argue with one another.

Elliot’s silhouette now joins them, dead center in the mess of
black outlines.

Realizing that Elliot has shown up, their loud arguing hushes
into an abrupt silence. The dark shadows now face Elliot, who
remains catatonic.

What follows is the longest silence of Elliot’s life as he and
the dark faces exchange long, tense stares. No one speaks.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Please tell me you’re seeing this
too...
Loud, violent jazz RISES again as we push into the darkness of
the menacing silhouettes, until the screen is filled with...
BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot visits Angela to confront her about their embarrassing incident at the Evil Corp meeting, but she refuses to engage. She asks him to let her lose without intervening, and he agrees. As they hug, Angela expresses regret, and they share an almost-kiss. However, Elliot sees Terry Colby's arrest on TV, implicating him in the hack. He then goes outside and sees news reports about Evil Corp's downfall. As he celebrates in Times Square, he is apprehended by Men in Black and taken to a top-floor conference room, where he is met with silence from shadowy figures.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, setting up significant developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a major revelation and confrontation leading to a change in the protagonist's mindset is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the arrest and Elliot's subsequent reaction, setting the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the themes of power and corruption, with a focus on personal relationships and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Elliot and Angela, show depth and emotional complexity in their interactions.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot undergoes a significant shift in mindset and purpose, leading to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with Angela and come to terms with his own feelings of guilt and responsibility. He wants to make things right with her and move forward.

External Goal: 9

Elliot's external goal is to uncover the truth behind Evil Corp's scandal and potentially change the system by exposing it. He is driven by a sense of justice and a desire to make a difference.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elliot's internal struggles and external pressures adds intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Elliot facing internal and external challenges that test his beliefs and values. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how he will navigate the obstacles in his path.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the arrest and Elliot's subsequent actions raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts and motivations for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, corruption, and morality. Elliot is faced with the choice of whether to confront the powerful forces at play or to remain passive.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Elliot's realization and Angela's vulnerability resonates strongly with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, high stakes, and suspenseful plot developments. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, keeping them invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, emotional beats, and plot developments. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness, keeping the audience engaged and invested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and transitions between locations. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression, building tension and suspense as the characters navigate their internal and external conflicts. The pacing and formatting enhance the effectiveness of the storytelling.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of Elliot's emotional journey and motivation. It jumps from Angela expressing embarrassment to Elliot's realization about Terry Colby's arrest without a clear transition or development of Elliot's internal conflict.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Angela feels rushed and lacks depth. There is a missed opportunity to explore their relationship and the impact of recent events on their dynamic.
  • The transition from Angela's apology to the news of Terry Colby's arrest feels abrupt and disjointed. The emotional weight of Angela's apology is overshadowed by the sudden shift in focus to the breaking news.
  • The introduction of the Men in Black and Elliot's apprehension could be more effectively built up to create a sense of tension and suspense leading up to his apprehension.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in Elliot's experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to allow for a more gradual progression of Elliot's emotional arc, starting with his interaction with Angela and leading up to the revelation of Terry Colby's arrest.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Elliot and Angela to delve deeper into their relationship and the impact of recent events on their connection.
  • Create a smoother transition between Angela's apology and the news of Terry Colby's arrest to maintain the emotional resonance of both moments.
  • Build up the tension and suspense surrounding Elliot's apprehension by adding more details and visual cues to heighten the sense of impending danger.
  • Enhance the scene with vivid visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.