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Scene 1 -  Hello Friend
Mr. Robot
Pilot




Written by

Sam Esmail




Polish
May 27, 2014


Universal Cable Productions
100 Universal City Plaza
Bldg. 1440 / Floor 14
Universal City, CA 91608




COPYRIGHT ¤ 2014 Universal Cable Productions Development LLC
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOT TO BE DUPLICATED WITHOUT PERMISSION.
This material is the property of Universal Cable Productions Development LLC and is intended solely for use by its personnel.
The sale, copying, reproduction or exploitation of this material in any form is prohibited.
Distribution or disclosure of this material to unauthorized persons is also prohibited.
“Our democracy has been hacked. The operating system has been
taken over and turned to uses that are somewhat different than
the ones our founders intended to emerge.” - Al Gore, 2013


“Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank,
and he can rob the world.” - Internet Meme, c. 2011
2.

BLACK.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Hello friend. Hello friend? That’s
lame. Maybe I should give you a name? *
But that’s a slippery slope. You’re
only in my head. We have to remember
that.
(then) *
Shit. It’s actually happened. I’m *
talking to an imaginary person. *

Loud, violent jazz RISES on the soundtrack. Within the black
of frame, silhouettes begin forming.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
I sometimes think dinosaurs never
existed. For absolutely no scientific
reason do I think this. I have
chronic insomnia. I think aliens are
real. I think they’re invisible and
staring straight at us. I also
believe there’s a shadowy group of
rich people who secretly run the *
world.
We pull out to reveal we’re in an office looking out of a very
tall Manhattan skyscraper. Shadowy figures sit and stand
around a conference table, arguing.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m talking about the ten or fifteen
zillionaires that we don’t know
about. The guys who control the guys
that control. The guys that play God
without permission.
CUT TO BLACK.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
And now I think they’re following me.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - MORNING
We finally meet ELLIOT (late 20s). His hoodie throws a sliced
shadow over his face. *

He sneaks looks at a couple of mysterious MEN DRESSED IN
BLACK, one on either side of the train. One reads the NY Post.
The other looks straight ahead, suspiciously so.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
This is about last night. I should
have gone to Angela’s birthday party--
3.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The scene introduces the main character, Elliot, who is talking to an imaginary person. He shares his thoughts on various conspiracy theories and his belief that he is being followed. The scene then transitions to Elliot on a subway, feeling regret for not attending a birthday party.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing protagonist
  • Establishes tone and themes effectively
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and introduces the main character's internal struggles and paranoia. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking. However, it could benefit from more visual storytelling to enhance the impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a protagonist with mental health issues and a fascination with conspiracy theories is intriguing. The use of voice-over adds depth to the character's thoughts. However, it is not entirely original and could be further developed.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene is minimal, mainly serving as an introduction to the character and his mindset. It lacks significant conflict or progression. However, it sets up the potential for future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high. The protagonist's beliefs and thoughts are unique and fresh, and the dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The main character, Elliot, is complex and intriguing. His paranoia and internal struggles make him compelling. The other characters introduced in this scene are not fully developed yet but show potential.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene. It mainly serves as an introduction to Elliot's mindset and establishes his ongoing struggles. However, it hints at potential character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and make sense of his own thoughts and beliefs. He is questioning his own sanity and trying to rationalize his beliefs about dinosaurs, aliens, and the shadowy group of rich people.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being followed by the shadowy group of rich people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, with Elliot's paranoia and fear of being followed. There is no significant external conflict introduced yet. The conflict level is low, but it hints at potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is being followed by the shadowy group of rich people, creating a sense of danger and conflict.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low. It primarily focuses on Elliot's internal struggles and paranoia. However, it hints at higher stakes to come, such as the potential danger he believes he is in.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main character, his mindset, and potential conflicts. It sets up the audience's curiosity about what will happen next. However, it lacks significant plot progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it presents the protagonist's unique and unexpected beliefs and thoughts, as well as the mystery of the shadowy group of rich people following him.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's belief in conspiracy theories and his struggle to reconcile them with reality. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity in the audience. Elliot's struggles with mental health and his belief in conspiracy theories create an emotional connection. However, it could benefit from stronger emotional moments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, introspective, and thought-provoking. It effectively conveys Elliot's mindset and establishes his unique voice. It engages the audience and sets the tone for the series.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious and intriguing premise, and the protagonist's inner monologue and actions create a sense of suspense and curiosity.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and intrigue through the protagonist's inner monologue and the introduction of the mysterious elements.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the protagonist, establishes the setting and atmosphere, and sets up the conflict and mystery.


Critique
  • The opening voiceover feels a bit cliché and overused in the thriller genre. Consider finding a more unique way to introduce Elliot's character and his beliefs.
  • The use of loud, violent jazz on the soundtrack feels jarring and distracting. Consider using a more subtle score or sound design to create tension.
  • The silhouettes forming in the black of frame feel like a visual cliché. Consider finding a more unique way to visually represent Elliot's paranoia.
  • The dialogue in the office scene feels a bit on-the-nose and exposition-heavy. Consider finding a more natural way to convey Elliot's beliefs about the shadowy group of rich people.
  • The subway scene feels a bit underdeveloped and lacking in tension. Consider finding ways to heighten the stakes and create more suspense.
  • The ending voiceover about Angela's birthday party feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't add much to the overall story.
  • Overall, the scene feels a bit too reliant on genre clichés and could benefit from more unique and nuanced storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene in a more visually interesting way, perhaps with a unique shot or visual metaphor that sets the tone for the rest of the scene.
  • Experiment with different sound design choices to create tension and atmosphere without relying on clichéd thriller music.
  • Think about ways to visually represent Elliot's paranoia that feel fresh and unique, perhaps through creative camera angles or lighting choices.
  • Try to find more natural and subtle ways to convey Elliot's beliefs about the shadowy group of rich people, perhaps through character interactions or visual storytelling.
  • Consider adding more obstacles or challenges to the subway scene to create more tension and suspense, such as a close call with one of the mysterious men in black.
  • Reconsider the ending voiceover and think about ways to connect it more directly to the rest of the scene and the overall story.
  • Keep pushing yourself to find more unique and nuanced ways to tell this story, and don't rely too heavily on genre clichés or tropes.



Scene 2 -  The Revelation
INT. PHIL’S COFFEE (FLASHBACK) - NIGHT

A small coffee shop with a few patrons. A cheesy sign that *
reads “Phil’s Coffee” displays proudly above. Elliot sits by *
himself, hoodie on, no coffee. His leg taps nervously.

Elliot intently watches as a mild-mannered Indian with a *
mustache walks into the shop. This is PHIL (50s). *

He orders a latte from the front and sits alone. He pulls out *
his iPad and sips his latte, enjoying the quiet evening to *
himself. *

Elliot musters courage with a deep breath and walks over. He *
sits across from him without saying a word, his leg twitching. *

Finally, Phil looks up. *

ELLIOT *
You’re Phil. *

He nervously gestures to the cheesy sign. Confused, Phil just *
offers a quick smile in return-- *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
But your real name is Rohit Pathak. *
(nervous and robotic) *
You changed it to Phil when you *
bought your first Phil’s Coffee shop *
six years ago. Now you have seventeen *
of them with eight more coming next *
quarter. You married an American *
woman named Linda Fielding, age *
thirty-one, then had two kids with *
her. Smallbiztrends.com said your *
life was so perfect it felt like “the *
stuff of sitcoms.” *

An awkward silence. Phil licks his lips, not sure if he should *
be flattered or concerned. *

PHIL *
(thick Indian accent) *
May I help you with something? *

ELLIOT *
I liked coming here because the WIFI *
was fast and with no dropouts. It was *
good. So good that it scratched that *
part of my mind-- the part that *
doesn’t allow good to exist without *
condition. So, I snooped on the *
traffic and that’s when I noticed *
something strange in the filenames-- *
4.


Elliot looks down, nervous to go on. But he looks back up with *
confidence. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
That’s when I decided to hack you. *

Another awkward silence. Phil goes to say something-- *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
I know you run a website called *
Lolita City. *

Alarms suddenly go off in Phil’s world. *

PHIL *
Pardon me? *

ELLIOT
You use the company servers to run it
through Tor networking,

SUPER: “Tor Networking - a system intended to enable online
anonymity”

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Routing the traffic from shop to
shop, making it virtually
untraceable. You made it really hard
for anyone to see it.

Even though Elliot came off a little amateurish at first, his *
confidence builds as he continues to talk. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
But I saw it. With all the public *
info out there on you; birth dates, *
anniversary dates, family names, *
pets... *
(clears his throat) *
I cracked your password in three *
minutes. *

Angry and confused, Phil eyes Elliot carefully. *

PHIL
Sir...What is the meaning of this?

ELLIOT
(back to nervous)
Sorry, I’m a little nervous. It’s my
first time doing this in person.

PHIL
(firm)
Sir, I must ask you to kindly leave--
5.


Phil turns to the man working the register--

ELLIOT
I downloaded everything. All your
emails, all your files, all
your...pics.

Phil turns back around. This just got serious, and it shows.

PHIL
(angry)
Get out of here right now, sir, or I
will call the--

ELLIOT
FBI? Do you want them to find out
about the 100GB of child pornography
you serve to your 400,000 users?
That’s a lot of bandwidth, of course,
which explains the higher than usual
speeds on all your shops’ internet
connections.

Phil is stunned silent. For a moment, all that can be heard is
the soft musak and quiet sipping of coffee from the other
patrons. Phil looks down, cornered and speechless. Elliot
looks genuinely sympathetic.

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
Personally, I was hoping it was just *
going to be BDSM stuff. Do you *
realize how much simpler that would *
have been? *

PHIL
So, you are not with the police?
(off his head shake)
Then this is illegal. This is
forbidden, sir. I did not hurt
anyone, I never did-- that is my
business, my personal life!

All the blood in Phil’s face as drained. He wipes his eyes as
emotion begins to fill his face. Elliot looks at him, a mix of
pity and guilt.

ELLIOT *
I understand what it’s like to be *
different. I’m very different too. I *
mean, I don’t jerk off to little *
kids, but...I don’t know how to talk *
people. My dad was the only one I *
could talk to. But he died. *
6.


At first, Phil is unsure on how to proceed. But sensing an
opportunity, he takes a deep breath and nods sympathetically.

PHIL
I’m sorry to hear that. How did he
pass, if I may ask?

ELLIOT
Leukemia. Definitely got it from the
radiation at the company he worked
at, though we couldn’t prove it. Now
he’s dead. The company’s fine though.

PHIL
My father passed when I was young
too. I was close to him, exactly like
you...

His mind clearly elsewhere, he can’t help but start crying.
Elliot genuinely feels for him.

ELLIOT
Can I call you Rohit? I prefer your
real name. Phil is kinda lame. *

Phil looks up and wipes away his tears. He nods.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Rohit. It’s okay. I’m not gonna turn
you in.

For the first time since we’ve seen him, Phil is relieved,
though still concerned. Elliot looks out the windows, as if
looking for something.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
If you do what I say, and pay me what
I ask, we’ll both come out of this
happy. Sitcom happy.

PHIL
(scoffs, shakes his head)
So, that is what this is about?
Money. That is all you care about.
No. If I pay you now, you will want
more and more. No matter how much I
give, you will inform the police
anyway. I won’t pay you, sir.
Remember, you also broke the law.

Elliot notices something outside the window and nods.

ELLIOT
Actually, you’re right. Partly.
7.


Elliot stands, putting his oversized bookbag on.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
After looking at your calendar, I
knew you were coming here. You always
have a nightly check-in at all of
your stores once a month. You’re a
good boss like that. I waited until
you came to this one. This one was
more convenient for me.

Phil looks around, wondering what Elliot is talking about.

PHIL
I do not understand.

ELLIOT
See, I usually do this kind of thing
from my computer. This time, I wanted
to do it AFK.

SUPER: “AFK - Away From Keyboard”

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
I’m trying to work on my social
anxiety. But there’s always the
threat of you fleeing after I call
you out. You’d tell your webmaster to
take the servers down, delete the
dirty pics and mpegs. So, I took the
liberty of making sure to include the
current time and location on my
anonymous tip--

PHIL
(desperate, nervous)
Wait, hold on! I will give you the
money. I will pay. How much do you
want?! I will pay!

Sirens can be heard. Lights swirl outside the windows.

ELLIOT
That’s the part you were wrong about,
Rohit.
(shrugs)
I was just fucking with you about the
money.

FBI AGENTS race into the shop as Elliot breezes past them,
heading out, leaving the chaos to surround the destroyed Phil.
8.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Elliot confronts Phil, the owner of a coffee shop, about his involvement in running a website called Lolita City. Elliot threatens to expose Phil's illegal activities unless he complies with his demands. The scene ends with Elliot revealing that he has already alerted the FBI, leaving Phil in shock.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Surprising twist
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of themes
  • Some dialogue could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and intense moments. The revelation of Phil's secret adds a significant twist to the story and raises the stakes for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a protagonist confronting an antagonist about their illegal activities is a familiar one in thrillers. However, the inclusion of personal trauma and moral ambiguity adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is tightly constructed, with a clear goal for Elliot and escalating tension as he reveals his knowledge to Phil. The twist at the end adds an unexpected turn of events.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of uncovering a secret and confronting someone involved in illegal activities is not entirely unique, the specific details and dialogue used in this scene add freshness to the familiar situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Both Elliot and Phil are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction creates a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

While Elliot's character remains consistent throughout the scene, Phil undergoes a significant change as he confronts his past actions and faces the consequences.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront Phil about his secret identity and activities. This reflects Elliot's desire for justice and his need to expose the truth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather evidence against Phil and potentially blackmail him. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting someone involved in illegal activities and the potential consequences of doing so.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elliot and Phil is intense and high-stakes, with Elliot threatening to expose Phil's illegal activities. The scene is filled with tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Elliot confronts Phil about his illegal activities. The audience is unsure of how Phil will react and whether Elliot will succeed in his goal.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with Elliot threatening to expose Phil's illegal activities and Phil desperately trying to protect his reputation and freedom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Phil's involvement in illegal activities and setting up the conflict between Elliot and the FBI. It adds a new layer of complexity to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it takes unexpected turns in the dialogue and reveals surprising information about the characters. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Elliot's desire for justice and Phil's desire to protect his personal life and business. This challenges Elliot's beliefs about right and wrong and forces him to question the morality of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sympathy for Phil and anxiety for Elliot. The revelation of personal trauma adds an emotional layer to the confrontation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the tension and emotions of the scene. It reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense and tension through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The revelation of Phil's secret and the confrontation between Elliot and Phil create a sense of anticipation and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and eager to know what will happen next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters and setting. The dialogue and actions progress logically, leading to a climax and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear description of the coffee shop and sets the tone well with the cheesy sign. However, the description could be more concise and focused on the key visual elements.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Phil is mostly effective in building tension and revealing the conflict. However, there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, particularly when Elliot reveals his knowledge about Phil's illegal activities.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is well-established, but there are opportunities to enhance it further through the characters' actions and reactions.
  • The reveal that Elliot is working with the FBI feels a bit abrupt and could be foreshadowed more effectively throughout the scene.
  • The ending of the scene is strong, with the FBI agents entering the coffee shop and arresting Phil. However, Elliot's exit from the chaos could be described in more detail to create a stronger visual image.
Suggestions
  • Condense the description of the coffee shop to focus on the key visual elements that contribute to the tone and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Refine the dialogue between Elliot and Phil to make it feel more natural and authentic. Consider adding subtext and layers to their conversation to heighten the tension.
  • Explore opportunities to show the characters' emotions through their actions and reactions. This could include body language, facial expressions, and gestures.
  • Foreshadow Elliot's connection to the FBI more subtly throughout the scene. This could be done through hints in his dialogue or actions that suggest he is not just an ordinary individual.
  • Provide a more vivid and detailed description of Elliot's exit from the chaos, emphasizing the contrast between his calm departure and the chaos surrounding Phil's arrest.



Scene 3 -  Confrontation and Revelation
INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - MORNING

Back to present day, Elliot snaps awake. He eyes the two MEN
IN BLACK who still sneak looks at him.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Now I’m being followed. The higher *
ups don’t like someone with my *
powers. In three short minutes, I *
destroyed a man's business, life, *
existence. I deleted him-- *

On the far end of the packed train, a blonde man YAWNS loudly.
He looks like a disheveled Californian who’s been forced to
relocate. He wears cargo pants and what looks like a gas
attendant shirt that reads: Computer Repair With A Smile.
Below it, a logo reads MR. ROBOT (40s).

He looks at Elliot with a stoner’s smile as he brushes his
scraggly beard. Elliot doesn’t smile back. Across the crowd of
people, the man shouts:
MR. ROBOT
Hey sonny, what’s happening?
Elliot doesn’t answer. Instead, he looks away, pretending he
didn’t hear him.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
It’s an exciting time for the world
right now. An exciting time...
Mr. Robot lies on his back, returning to his homeless slumber.

EXT. NYC STREETS - LATER
Elliot walks through the crowded streets of New York,
carefully avoiding the touch of other humans. He carries a
huge bookbag on his back.
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - LATER

He walks into the modest offices of AllSafe Cybersecurity, as
announced by the boring, corporate logo.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
But I’m only a vigilante hacker at
night. By day, I’m a hired one, just *
a regular cyber security engineer, *
employee number 0652.
9.


INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - GIDEON’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The AllSafe boss, GIDEON NORTON (40s), a bearded metrosexual
with adult braces sits while ANGELA (20s), a blonde girl-next-
door trapped in the prim and proper veneer of a private school
upbringing, looks down at him sternly.

ANGELA
Gideon, I can do it.

Not wanting to respond, Gideon lets his attention get
distracted by Elliot. He shouts through his glass doors:

GIDEON
Elliot, in here!

Elliot nervously walks in, curiously looking at Angela who
pretends he’s not even there. Gideon passes a file to him.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
They were hacked again. Last night.

Elliot looks over the notes.

ELLIOT
What am I looking at? Is this the
code? This was a RUDY attack.

SUPER: “RUDY Attack - Also known as R-U-Dead-Yet? This tool
attacks by starving available sessions on the web server until
they die”

Concerned, Gideon nods. Elliot shakes his head, impressed more
than he usually is.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
This is awesome--

ANGELA
Gideon, will you please answer me?

GIDEON
(to Elliot)
You think that’s awesome? This is
killing us, Elliot!

ANGELA
Gideon, I’m not leaving--

GIDEON
Angela, let’s just see how the
meeting goes today. They’re getting
hacked every week now. Who knows if
they’ll still even be with us.
10.


ELLIOT
They’re coming in?

Gideon’s look confirms it. He looks at Elliot’s hoodie.

GIDEON
What’d we say about the dress code?

Elliot sheds his hoodie, revealing an oversized, button-downed
dress shirt underneath. He hates it.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
(re: file)
Look over that, be ready this
afternoon.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - HALLWAYS
Elliot and Angela walk out. Elliot smells something on her.

ELLIOT
Did you start smoking again?
ANGELA
(ignores his question)
Did you not get my texts last night?
I sent you exactly thirteen of them.
ELLIOT
Yeah, I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it--
ANGELA
(looks at him)
You promised me that you would try
this time.

FLASHBACK: Last night, Elliot nervously walks up to the
entrance of a packed bar. Through the big windows outside he
sees Angela, laughing, smiling, drinking with friends.
Elliot’s hand goes for the door, but his hand trembles--

ANGELA (CONT’D)
Stop thinking about something else
when I’m talking to you. I hate when
you do that.

ELLIOT
Sorry, I was thinking about work.
ANGELA
You’re such a kiss-ass. Maybe that’s
why Gideon loves you so much. He
thanks me all the time for bringing
you in. But for some reason, I think
you secretly hate it here.
11.


ELLIOT (V.O.) *
She was right. I liked most of the *
people, but our business-- a cyber *
security firm that protects *
corporations-- not so much. *
ELLIOT
No, it’s cool. I like it here.

ANGELA
I’m sorry, I’m just in a bad mood.
I’ve been late on my last two student
loan payments and I can’t get Gideon
to give me a raise--

A slick, good-looking Persian named ALI (20s) walks up and
kisses Angela.
ALI
(to Elliot)
Yo, bud. Missed you last night, where
were you?
ELLIOT
Gotta go. Big meeting today.
Elliot doesn’t wait for a response, he disappears into the
maze of cubicles quickly.
ALI
(to Angela)
Did you find out what happened?
ANGELA
He said he was working.

ALI
(not buying it)
Come on. You have to talk to him--
ANGELA
(rolls her eyes)
We’re gonna be late for the staff
meeting.
ALI
He can’t stand me and you know why.
Angela, I can’t have this kind of
negativity in my life--

Angela glares at him. Ali points.

ALI (CONT’D)
Exactly what I’m talking about.
12.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Elliot confronts Phil, the owner of a coffee shop, about his involvement in running a website called Lolita City. Elliot threatens to expose Phil's illegal activities unless he complies with his demands. The scene ends with Elliot revealing that he has already alerted the FBI, leaving Phil in shock.
Strengths
  • Tension and suspense
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Revelation of illegal activities
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the confrontation between Elliot and Phil. The revelation of Phil's illegal activities adds a layer of intrigue and raises the stakes. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience hooked.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hacker protagonist uncovering illegal activities and using his skills to confront the perpetrators is intriguing and engaging. The exploration of conspiracy theories adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Elliot confronting Phil and threatening to expose his illegal activities. This conflict drives the tension and suspense in the scene.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a dual identity and the theme of cybersecurity have been explored before, the specific situations and character dynamics are fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elliot is a complex and intriguing character with his paranoia and hacker skills. Phil is a morally ambiguous character involved in illegal activities. Their confrontation adds depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

Elliot's confrontation with Phil showcases his determination and willingness to take risks. It hints at a potential character arc for Elliot as he delves deeper into uncovering illegal activities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his dual identity as a vigilante hacker at night and a regular cyber security engineer by day. This reflects his deeper need for purpose and his fear of being discovered for his illegal activities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate a recent hacking incident at AllSafe and prepare for a meeting. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining the company's cybersecurity and his responsibility as an employee.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The confrontation between Elliot and Phil creates a high level of conflict. The stakes are raised when Elliot reveals that he has already alerted the FBI.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The protagonist faces challenges in maintaining his dual identity, dealing with the hacking incident, and navigating his relationships with Gideon and Angela.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as Elliot threatens to expose Phil's illegal activities and reveals that he has already alerted the FBI. The consequences for both characters are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Phil's involvement in illegal activities and Elliot's plan to expose him. It raises the stakes and sets up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the appearance of Mr. Robot and the revelation of the hacking incident. The audience is left wondering how these elements will develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes anxiety, regret, and anger through Elliot's thoughts and actions. The tension and suspense also contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, effectively conveying the tension and conflict between Elliot and Phil. It reveals their motivations and adds depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing conflicts and tensions, such as the protagonist's dual identity and the hacking incident at AllSafe. The dialogue and character interactions also contribute to the engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection and dialogue-driven interactions. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's internal and external goals, and sets up conflicts and tensions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Elliot waking up on the subway, which is a bit abrupt and disorienting. It might be helpful to establish the transition from the previous scene to this one more smoothly.
  • The introduction of Mr. Robot feels a bit random and out of place. It's not clear why he is important or how he relates to the story at this point. This could be confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Robot and Elliot lacks depth and purpose. It doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The transition from the subway to the streets of New York is also abrupt. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition or a clear indication of the change in location.
  • The dialogue between Gideon and Angela feels forced and unnatural. It lacks subtlety and nuance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The conflict between Gideon and Angela about who should handle the hack is not clearly established or resolved in this scene. It feels like a missed opportunity to create tension and drive the plot forward.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Angela about their personal lives feels forced and doesn't add much to the scene or the overall story.
  • The introduction of Ali and his conversation with Angela feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. It doesn't contribute to the main conflict or advance the plot.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions that could enhance the storytelling or engage the audience.
  • The ending of the scene, with Elliot leaving for a meeting and Ali and Angela going to a staff meeting, feels anticlimactic and doesn't leave a strong impression.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional element or a brief recap of the previous scene to help the audience understand the shift in location and time.
  • Reconsider the introduction of Mr. Robot and his interaction with Elliot. Make sure his presence serves a clear purpose and is integrated more seamlessly into the story.
  • Revise the dialogue between Mr. Robot and Elliot to make it more meaningful and relevant to the overall plot and character development.
  • Smoothly transition from the subway to the streets of New York by using visual cues or a clear indication of the change in location.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Gideon and Angela to make it more natural and nuanced. Show their conflicting perspectives and create a sense of tension.
  • Establish and resolve the conflict between Gideon and Angela about who should handle the hack in a more clear and impactful way.
  • Reconsider the dialogue between Elliot and Angela about their personal lives. Make sure it adds depth to their characters or advances the plot.
  • Integrate Ali's introduction and conversation with Angela more seamlessly into the scene. Ensure it contributes to the main conflict or plot.
  • Add significant visual elements or actions that enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger and more impactful moment that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.



Scene 4 -  Confrontation at the Coffee Shop
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
A wide conference room filled to the brim with account
executives, programmers and VPs.
GIDEON
...The recent hacks on their network
have been of grave concern not only
to them, but to this company. Let’s
make sure we’re on our A game this
afternoon. But before we get into it,
I hear we have a birthday to
celebrate.

He gestures over to Angela who sheepishly smiles. Everyone
starts singing happy birthday. Cake is being passed around.
Smiles all around from the nice folks that work at AllSafe.

Elliot, his seat pushed just a little further out than the
rest, observes cautiously. On the mounted TV in the corner, *
MSNBC is playing a clip from ex-Defense Secretary Leon *
Panetta. The conversation around him drowns out as he focuses *
on the TV. *

LEON PANETTA *
...there's a strong likelihood the *
next Pearl Harbor we confront could *
very well be a cyberattack. *

MSNBC ANCHOR *
Panetta went on to say that this is *
the future of US defense spending, *
computer engineers with expertise in *
hacking. This is the new soldier, the *
intelligence soldier. *

Elliot turns to his co-worker LLOYD (20s), a Chinese engineer *
with a fro, who talks openly with a mouth full of purple
frosting. Elliot forces a smile as he passes on a piece of
cake.

CUBICLE - LATER

Elliot’s cubicle is as vanilla as a cube could be. He
furiously codes on a Linux command line, earbuds plugged in.
His fingers take quick breaks to fetch McDonald’s fries out of
the bag. Ali interrupts his work with a wave of his hand and a
phony smile as icing. Elliot reluctantly removes his earbuds.
ALI
Yo, man. Wanna do lunch today?
ELLIOT
Oh, um, yeah, I have other pla--
13.

ALI
Plans, yeah, that’s what you said the
last three times I asked you. Look,
bud, you and Angela have been close
for a long time. But, that’s even *
more reason why I want us to be on
good terms. I just feel like it’s
awkward between us, don’t you?
ELLIOT
I’m okay with it being awkward
between us.
ALI
(scoffs)
Well, it’s not okay with me. Lunch,
today. Meet me at Sharon’s Deli at
1:15. On me. It’ll be epic.
A moment’s hesitation, then Elliot nods.
ALI (CONT’D)
Cool bro.

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot shiftlessly walks through the streets once again, big
bookbag in tow. His eyes wander around in paranoia. He
continues to eat his McDonald’s fries from the bag.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Elliot confronts Phil, the owner of a coffee shop, about his involvement in running a website called Lolita City. Elliot threatens to expose Phil's illegal activities unless he complies with his demands. The scene ends with Elliot revealing that he has already alerted the FBI, leaving Phil in shock.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Revelation of illegal activities
  • Inclusion of conspiracy theories
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the confrontation between Elliot and Phil. The revelation of illegal activities and the involvement of the FBI adds an additional layer of intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a protagonist confronting someone involved in illegal activities is a familiar one, but the inclusion of conspiracy theories and the FBI adds a unique twist.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and engaging, with the confrontation between Elliot and Phil driving the scene forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar in the workplace setting, the introduction of the news clips discussing cyberattacks and the philosophical conflict between Elliot and Ali adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Elliot and Phil are well-defined and their motivations and actions are clear.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot undergoes a change in the scene as he confronts Phil and takes action to expose his illegal activities.

Internal Goal: 8

Elliot's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his cautious and observant nature while also navigating social interactions with his co-workers. This reflects his deeper need for control, his fear of vulnerability, and his desire to protect himself from potential threats.

External Goal: 7

Elliot's external goal in this scene is to reluctantly agree to have lunch with Ali and try to maintain a cordial relationship with him. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing his personal relationships in the workplace.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Elliot and Phil is intense and drives the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. Elliot faces opposition in the form of Ali's attempts to establish a friendly relationship and the potential threats and challenges related to cyberattacks. The audience is unsure of how Elliot will navigate these oppositions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Elliot threatens to expose Phil's illegal activities and involves the FBI.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the illegal activities and Elliot's involvement with the FBI.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicts and challenges that may have unexpected outcomes. The audience is unsure of how Elliot will navigate his relationships with his co-workers and how the news clips about cyberattacks will impact the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Elliot's cautious and observant nature and the more open and carefree attitude of his co-worker Ali. This challenges Elliot's beliefs and values regarding trust, vulnerability, and social interactions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of suspense, tension, and shock.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the confrontation between Elliot and Phil.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflicts and challenges for the protagonist, creates a sense of tension and unease through the writer's voice, and hints at potential future developments in the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and introspection with moments of social interaction and dialogue. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines and descriptions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters, and presents the conflicts and challenges they face. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and maintains a clear narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose. It jumps from a meeting discussing network hacks to a birthday celebration to a news clip about cyberattacks to Elliot's conversation with Ali. The transitions between these elements are not smooth and do not contribute to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the conversation between Ali and Elliot. The phrasing and word choice do not feel authentic to how people actually speak.
  • The visual elements are not utilized effectively. The news clip playing on the TV in the corner is a missed opportunity to visually convey the theme of cyberattacks and the threat they pose.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is inconsistent. The birthday celebration and cake passing around create a lighthearted atmosphere, but the news clip and Elliot's paranoia create a tense and uneasy atmosphere. These conflicting emotions do not blend well together.
  • The conflict between Ali and Elliot feels contrived and does not add to the overall plot or character development.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or conclusion. It ends abruptly with Elliot walking through the streets eating his fries.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in a meaningful way. It feels like filler material rather than an integral part of the story.
Suggestions
  • Focus the scene on one clear purpose or theme, such as the threat of cyberattacks or the tension between Elliot and his coworkers.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural and authentic to how people actually speak.
  • Utilize the visual elements to convey the theme and atmosphere of the scene more effectively.
  • Ensure that the emotional tone of the scene is consistent and blends well together.
  • Create conflicts that are meaningful and contribute to the overall plot and character development.
  • Provide a clear resolution or conclusion to the scene that advances the plot or character development.
  • Ensure that every scene serves a clear purpose and contributes to the overall story.



Scene 5 -  Confrontation and Revelation
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY
He sits across from his psychologist, KRISTA (40s), a slightly
overweight African-American woman who tries too hard at youth
with a short dress.
They’re looking at each other in silence.

KRISTA
What are you thinking about?

ELLIOT
Nothing.
KRISTA
Wanna know what I’m thinking about?
(off his look)
The first time you came to me...

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I didn’t exactly come to Krista, I *
was forced here. But I do like her. *
(then) *
Her password was simple, Dylan2791. *
Favorite artist and the year in which *
she was born, backwards. *
14.


INSERT: Krista’s Gmail, Facebook, iTunes. We land on her *
eharmony profile. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I know she got a divorce four years *
ago. I know she was devastated by it *
and has been dating losers on *
eharmony ever since. *
INSERT: A profile pic of a salt and pepper handsome gent. He’s
a pudgy, nice fellow with a friendly mustache and a welcoming
smile. His name is listed as Michael Hansen.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Her most recent foray... Michael *
Hansen. Something about him bugs me, *
scratching that part of my mind *
again. *

Back to the scene. Elliot eyes Krista. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Though she’s a psychologist, she’s *
really bad at reading people. But I’m *
good at reading people. My secret? I *
look for the worst in them. *
KRISTA
You were so angry. You hated
everyone. That’s what you said. And I
told you, you can’t change the system
by hating it. Do you remember that?
ELLIOT
I remember that.
KRISTA
I know you’re not yelling like
before, which is good. But I can tell
you’re still holding onto it. We have
to deal with your anger issues,
Elliot. You’re angry at everyone, at
society--
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Fuck society.
KRISTA
You have a lot to be angry about, but
keeping it to yourself, staying quiet
like you’re doing, that’s not going
to help you. There’s pain underneath.
That’s where our work needs to go.

Elliot says nothing. Krista leans in.
15.


KRISTA (CONT’D)
What is it about society that
disappoints you so much?
Elliot holds back as his eyes wander to the Apple insignia
glowing off of Krista’s laptop on her desk.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Oh, I don’t know, is it that we
collectively thought Steve Jobs was a
great man even when we knew he made
billions off the backs of children?
His eyes shift to the glass framed Tour De France poster
hanging on the wall featuring Lance Armstrong.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Or maybe it’s that it feels like all
our heroes are counterfeit, the world
itself just one big hoax.
His eyes refocus on the reflection of the glass frame, seeing
that Krista’s browser from her laptop is on Twitter.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Spamming each other with our running
commentary of bullshit masquerading
as insight, our social media faking
as intimacy.
Krista still eyes Elliot, waiting for him to respond. He
returns his stare back at her, noticing the “I voted” sticker
her on her blouse.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Or is it that we voted for this? Not
with our rigged elections-- *
His eyes now notice the expensive accessories of Krista. Her
earrings, watch, shoes, her Hunger Games book on her desk.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But with our things, our property,
our money. But I’m not saying
anything new. We all know why we do
this. Not because earrings or the *
Hunger Games books makes us happier. *
Krista crosses her legs, still waiting on Elliot to respond.
That’s when Elliot spots a prescription bottle next to
Krista’s purse on her desk chair.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But because we want to be sedated.
Because it’s painful not to pretend.
Because we’re fucking cowards. Fuck
society-- but I’ve said that already.
16.

He finally responds to Krista:
ELLIOT
Nothing.
Krista leans back, frustrated she’s getting nowhere.

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
Don’t be frustrated. *

KRISTA *
(confused) *
And why shouldn’t I be? *

ELLIOT *
You’re different than most. You at *
least try... you at least understand. *

KRISTA *
(intrigued) *
Understand what? *

ELLIOT *
What it’s like to feel alone. You *
understand the pain. You want to *
protect people from it. I respect *
that about you. *

Long silence. *

KRISTA *
Why do you think I know what it’s *
like to feel alone? *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
(shocked realization) *
Shit! From her emails. The dangers of *
being a hacker; have to be careful *
not to ever slip about what you *
shouldn’t know-- *

KRISTA *
Elliot? *

Unsure of what to say, Elliot stays quiet. Krista lets it go. *
KRISTA (CONT’D)
Let’s talk about last night. Did you
go to Angela’s birthday party?
FLASHBACK: Last night, we pick up where we left off. Elliot’s
hand trembles as he reaches for the door to the bar. He sweats
as he closes his eyes and tries to force himself to go in, but
can’t. The door opens, three people file out. Elliot quickly
moves out of the way, avoiding physical contact at all costs.
He takes a breath and looks through the windows again.
17.

Angela is happy, surrounded by friends, enjoying her birthday.
Ali walks up to her. They kiss. This is enough for Elliot to
wrap his head in his hoodie and walk away--
Back to the scene.
ELLIOT
Yeah. It was nice.
KRISTA
Did you try to talk to anyone?
ELLIOT
Sure, a few people. I got a girl’s
number.
KRISTA
(impressed)
You did? Are you gonna call her?
ELLIOT
I think so, yeah. She’s cute. She
likes The Hunger Games.
KRISTA
(back to being suspicious)
You’re hiding again. When you hide
like this, your delusions will come
back. It’s a slippery slope, Elliot.
(off of his uneasy shift)
Let’s talk about the men in black you
were seeing. Are they still there?
ELLIOT
No, I told you, they’re gone. The
meds you gave me helped.
Krista doesn’t buy any of this.
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot on his way back. The MEN IN BLACK discreetly follow
him, eyeing him suspiciously. He’s so distracted by them, that
he doesn’t notice Ali standing in his way.
ALI
So, where were you? I waited half an
hour for you, man.

Still preoccupied with the MEN IN BLACK, Elliot looks around
nervously but can’t spot them anymore.
ALI (CONT’D)
Why are you such a weirdo, Elliot?
This isn’t normal, you know? You
don’t just tell people you’re going
to be somewhere and then not show up!
18.


Elliot forces himself to nod in agreement.
ELLIOT
You’re right, that does seem counter-
intuitive.
ALI
NOT cool, bro! Not cool!
(then) *
We’re going to Sharon’s Deli now.

ELLIOT
But I ate already...
(off his look, V.O.)
Fuck me, he’s not gonna let this go.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Elliot meets with his psychologist, Krista, and they discuss his anger issues and feelings of alienation from society. Elliot reflects on his belief that society is full of deception and pretense. Meanwhile, Elliot is being followed by men in black. After the session, Elliot encounters his friend Ali, who confronts him about not showing up to a birthday party. The scene ends with Elliot feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
Strengths "Engaging dialogue, exploration of themes, well-developed characters"
Weaknesses "Limited character development, could enhance emotional impact"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Elliot's character and his internal struggles. The dialogue is thought-provoking and reveals important aspects of the story's themes.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a protagonist grappling with anger and disillusionment in society is compelling and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Elliot's anger and paranoia are explored, and his encounter with Ali adds tension and conflict.

Originality: 7

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through the protagonist's introspective and critical observations about society. The mention of specific details, such as Krista's password and dating history, adds authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Elliot's complex and troubled personality is well-developed, and Krista serves as a contrasting character who tries to understand him.

Character Changes: 6

Elliot's character undergoes minimal change in this scene, primarily reflecting his ongoing anger and paranoia.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to hide his true thoughts and feelings from Krista, the psychologist. This reflects his deeper need to protect himself and maintain control over his emotions.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid the men in black who are following him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his desire to maintain his privacy and safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily in Elliot's internal struggles and his confrontation with Ali.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges from the men in black who are following him and Krista who is trying to uncover his true thoughts and emotions. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high as Elliot's confrontation with Phil and his paranoia about being followed add tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Elliot's character and sets up potential conflicts and revelations in the future.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it reveals the protagonist's thoughts and observations in a non-linear manner. The audience is kept guessing about his true intentions and feelings.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's disillusionment with society and his belief that it is filled with hypocrisy and deception. This challenges his values and worldview, as well as his trust in authority figures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of frustration and alienation, but the emotional impact could be further heightened.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, revealing the characters' motivations and beliefs.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it provides insight into the protagonist's thoughts and emotions. The internal monologue adds depth to the character and creates intrigue for the audience. The dialogue between the protagonist and Krista also creates tension and conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of silence and intense dialogue. The internal monologue adds a slower pace and introspective tone.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and internal monologue. The use of italics for internal monologue is consistent throughout the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by dialogue and internal monologue. The scene progresses with a flashback and returns to the present.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a description of Krista's appearance that feels unnecessary and potentially objectifying. It would be more effective to focus on her professional demeanor and the dynamic between her and Elliot.
  • The use of voiceover narration is excessive and can be distracting. It would be more engaging to show Elliot's thoughts and emotions through his actions and dialogue.
  • The insertion of Elliot's hacking abilities and knowledge about Krista's personal life feels forced and unrealistic. It would be more believable to explore their relationship and Elliot's anger issues without relying on hacking as a plot device.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Krista lacks depth and complexity. It would be more compelling to delve into their conflicting perspectives on society and explore the root causes of Elliot's anger.
  • The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the storytelling. Consider incorporating visual cues that reflect Elliot's emotions and the themes of the scene.
  • The transition between the flashback and the present moment is abrupt and could be smoother. Consider using visual cues or a more seamless narrative structure to indicate the shift in time.
  • The interaction between Elliot and Ali feels forced and lacks authenticity. It would be more effective to develop their relationship and dialogue in a more organic and believable way.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of closure. Consider adding a final moment or line of dialogue that ties back to the main conflict or theme of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the dynamic between Elliot and Krista, exploring their conflicting perspectives on society and the root causes of Elliot's anger.
  • Show Elliot's thoughts and emotions through his actions and dialogue, rather than relying on excessive voiceover narration.
  • Develop the relationship between Elliot and Ali in a more organic and believable way, avoiding forced dialogue and interactions.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues that reflect Elliot's emotions and the themes of the scene, enhancing the storytelling.
  • Smoothly transition between the flashback and present moment, using visual cues or a more seamless narrative structure.
  • Add a final moment or line of dialogue that ties back to the main conflict or theme of the scene, providing a sense of closure.



Scene 6 -  Revelations and Confrontations
INT. SHARON’S DELI - DAY

The deli is busy with MANHATTANITES. Ali and Elliot share a
couple of seats at the counter. Ali is droning on and on about
something mundane. Elliot looks absolutely miserable.

ALI
...anyway, my point is, I think the
Beatles are okay, but very overrated,
you know? I mean, come on, there are
lots of bands that are way better.

ELLIOT
No, I don’t agree with that at all.

ALI
Well, we can agree to disagree.

He puts his arm on Elliot’s shoulder-- but Elliot, not
comfortable with the physical contact, brushes it away.

ALI (CONT’D)
Sorry, forgot about your touching
thing--
(a more sympathetic tone)
Look, I love Angela, and I want us to
try to get along for her sake--
As Ali drones on again, Elliot’s stream of consciousness
interrupts:

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Am I that crazy to hate this guy so *
much? Among some of his Facebook *
likes are-- *

INSERT: Ali’s Facebook likes: George W. Bush’s Decision *
Points, the movie Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, and *
the music of Josh Groban. *
19.


ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Must I really justify my hatred any *
further? *

Back to the scene. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
(eyes Ali) *
His was the easiest to hack, password *
was 123456, then ‘seven’ spelled out. *

INSERT: Ali’s Gmail account. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I witnessed his first “I love you” *
with Angela over Gchat. *

INSERT: Profile pic of a trashy woman named Stella B. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I’ve also witnessed the first of many *
flirtations with Stella B. *
Back to the scene. Ali’s still in the midst of his phony plea.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’ve thought about telling Angela,
but she has shitty taste in men and
I’m not quite ready to see what comes
after this just yet. Plus, I can
manage Ali easier than the others.
For now, anyway.
ALI
...but that’s all I mean. I just want
you to know that. I like you, bro.
And I want you to like me too.
ELLIOT
I understand, Ali. I’ll try harder.
ALI
That’s cool, man. Whenever you’re
ready, I’d love to just...chill--

Elliot’s phone buzzes. He looks at it. His eyes grow wide.

ELLIOT
We’ve gotta go back. They’re here.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE - LATER
Elliot types away at his computer.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Truth is, I shouldn’t hate Ali. He’s
not that bad a guy.
20.

ELLIOT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He’s too dumb to be bad. In fact,
when I think about the really bad
people...
As if sensing it, Elliot stands and peeks out of his cubicle.
He sees Gideon greeting a handful of business SUITS at the
front. Angela is among the AllSafe greeters. They navigate the
SUITS towards the conference room. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
*BEEP* Corp. *

*BEEP* - (whenever the name of the company’s mentioned, it is *
bleeped out.) *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
But they might as well be called Evil *
Corp. In fact, after a thorough, *
intensive self-reprogramming, that’s *
all my mind hears, sees or reads when *
they pop up in my world. Krista would *
have a shit fit if she knew I did *
that. But that’s what they are... *

INSERT: Evil Corp’s logo, which looks like the Enron “E” logo. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
A conglomerate of Evil. *

VIDEO: Laptops, desktops, smartphones, nuclear power plants, *
guns, farms, cereal, microwaves, pills, all sporting the Evil *
Corp logo. *
ELLIOT (V.O.) *
It isn’t just that they indirectly *
killed or injured close to a million *
people in the last ten years... *
Back to the scene. Angela flashes a smile at Elliot before *
closing the shades of the conference room. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
It’s that they have no conscience *
about it. They’re a perfect monster. *
Elliot sits back down.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
And now, I have to help them-- *
Gideon and the team of SUITS walk up next to Elliot’s cubicle.
GIDEON
...we’ve got seven on-site engineers
on your account plus a few off-site
at the ISPs...
21.

Elliot sneaks a peek at the head suit, a bald guy who’s a dead
ringer for Steve Ballmer.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
There he is, Terry Colby, the CTO.
TERRY COLBY looks around with a doofus smile.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Even though he’s the head technology
guy at one of the biggest companies
in the world, he owns a Blackberry.
Elliot’s eyes shift to Terry’s Blackberry on his belt. Terry
looks at Elliot’s desktop with confusion.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
It also looks like he doesn’t see a
Linux operating system too often.
He’s not a techie. He’s a moron.

The suits, led by Gideon, keep on walking through the office.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
An arrogant moron. The worst kind.
Elliot goes to sit down, but a person from the pack walks up
to him. He’s good-looking, sharply dressed and has a rock star
smile. His name is TYRELL WELLICK (30s). He reaches his hand
out to Elliot. Elliot painfully takes it.
TYRELL
(thick Swedish accent)
Tyrell Wellick. Senior Vice
President, technology, Evil Corp--

Elliot quickly takes his hand back. Tyrell notices.
ELLIOT
I’m...Elliot. Just a tech.
TYRELL
Don’t be so humble. I started exactly
where you are. To be honest, my heart
has always stayed there.
(looking at his screen)
Oh, I see you’re running Ubuntu.
(off of Elliot’s impressed
look)
I’m on Red Hat myself, I know the
desktop manager is better on here,
but old habits die hard.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
An executive running Linux? But--
22.

TYRELL
I know what you’re thinking, I’m an
executive, why am I running Linux?
Again, old habits die hard.
Elliot uncomfortably smiles.
TYRELL (CONT’D)
Lookin’ forward to working with you.
I should join the rest of the group.
Bonsoir, Elliot.
He takes off with an earnest smile.

Elliot sits back down in his cubicle with a resigned sigh. He
takes in his small three-walled cube universe amidst the
thirty other identical cubes.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Sometimes I dream of saving everyone *
from the invisible hand.

Elliot eyes his fellow employees sympathetically, all looking
like enslaved serfs with their company badges hanging off
them.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that brands us with an
employee badge.

His eyes look over at Lloyd who is busy paying a Verizon bill
online. He shakes his head angrily at the price.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that forces us to work for
them.
EXT. NYC STREETS - NIGHT
Elliot walks through the streets alone as GROUPS OF FRIENDS
laugh while walking in and out of bars. Credit cards are
swiped, dollar-tips are thrown, a homeless man begs for
change.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
The one that controls us everyday
without us knowing it. But I can’t
stop it. I’m not that special. I’m
just anonymous. I’m just alone.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Elliot meets with his psychologist, Krista, and discusses his anger issues and feelings of alienation from society. Meanwhile, Elliot is being followed by mysterious men. After the session, Elliot encounters his friend Ali, who confronts him about not showing up to a birthday party. The scene ends with Elliot feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
Strengths
  • Exploration of Elliot's internal struggles
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Introduction of important plot elements
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Lack of emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores Elliot's internal struggles and introduces important plot elements, but it lacks significant conflict and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a socially alienated hacker with anger issues is intriguing, but it is not fully developed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the revelation of Elliot's hacking abilities and the introduction of Tyrell Wellick, but it lacks a strong central conflict.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of two characters having a conversation in a deli is familiar, the use of Elliot's stream of consciousness thoughts adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Elliot, are well-developed and their motivations are clear.

Character Changes: 6

Elliot experiences some internal changes, reflecting on his anger issues and societal alienation, but there is no significant external character change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to manage his dislike for Ali and maintain a facade of friendship for the sake of Angela. This reflects Elliot's deeper need to protect Angela and his fear of losing her if he reveals his true feelings about Ali.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go back to the AllSafe offices because something important is happening there. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Elliot is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is some conflict between Elliot and Ali, but it is not intense or central to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as it is evident that Elliot dislikes Ali and struggles to maintain a friendly facade. The audience is unsure of how their relationship will develop.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, with no immediate danger or significant consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing important plot elements and deepening the audience's understanding of Elliot's character.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as Elliot's stream of consciousness thoughts and the revelation of Ali's Facebook likes and Gmail account. These elements add intrigue and surprise to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes some emotions, particularly frustration and overwhelm, but it does not have a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is realistic and serves its purpose, but it is not particularly memorable or impactful.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and another character, introduces a mysterious event happening at the AllSafe offices, and provides insight into the protagonist's thoughts and feelings.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between dialogue and voiceover, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The scene moves at a steady pace, building tension towards the end.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and voiceover cues.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and ends with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Ali and Elliot having a conversation about the Beatles, but the dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity. It doesn't flow naturally and feels like a contrived way to introduce conflict between the characters.
  • The use of voiceover narration interrupts the flow of the scene and feels disjointed. It would be more effective to show Elliot's thoughts and observations through his actions and reactions.
  • The insertion of Ali's Facebook likes and personal information through voiceover narration feels forced and unnecessary. It doesn't add much to the scene and distracts from the main conflict.
  • The transition from the deli to the AllSafe offices feels abrupt and could be smoother. It's not clear why they need to leave or who has arrived.
  • The introduction of Evil Corp and the visual elements associated with it could be more subtle and integrated into the scene. It feels heavy-handed and takes away from the natural flow of the dialogue.
  • The interaction between Tyrell Wellick and Elliot feels forced and lacks depth. It would be more interesting to explore their dynamic further and build tension between them.
  • The ending of the scene with Elliot sitting back down at his cubicle and observing his fellow employees feels anticlimactic and doesn't leave a strong impression.
  • Overall, the scene lacks a clear focus and purpose. It jumps between different conversations and observations without a cohesive narrative thread.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ali and Elliot to make it more natural and authentic. Focus on creating genuine conflict and tension between the characters.
  • Instead of relying on voiceover narration, show Elliot's thoughts and observations through his actions and reactions. Use visual cues and subtle gestures to convey his inner turmoil.
  • Remove the insertion of Ali's Facebook likes and personal information. It doesn't add much to the scene and distracts from the main conflict.
  • Smoothly transition from the deli to the AllSafe offices by providing a clear reason for them to leave and introducing the arrival of someone important.
  • Integrate the introduction of Evil Corp and its visual elements more subtly into the scene. Use visual cues and dialogue to convey its presence without being heavy-handed.
  • Develop the interaction between Tyrell Wellick and Elliot to create more tension and intrigue. Explore their dynamic further and hint at potential conflicts to come.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to leave a stronger impression. Consider ending on a cliffhanger or a moment of realization for Elliot.
  • Refocus the scene to have a clear narrative thread and purpose. Streamline the dialogue and actions to serve the main conflict and advance the overall story.



Scene 7 -  Loneliness and Desperation
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot enters his messy small loft. A black cat named QWERTY *
greets him at the door.
23.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
If it weren’t for Qwerty, I’d be
completely empty.
She MEOWS.

MOMENTS LATER
Qwerty is chowing down on cat food. Elliot lies on the floor
next to her, petting her while she eats. He starts crying
hysterically.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I hate when I can’t hold in my
loneliness-- this crying has been
happening too often, every other week
now. What do normal people do when
they get this sad? They reach out to
friends or family, I think?
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Elliot crushes up morphine pills. He puts the crushed powder *
on a small glass table and cuts it with a credit card. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I do morphine. I can’t make friends. *
And family-- *

INT. ELLIOT’S HOUSE (FLASHBACK) - DAY *

A YOUNG ELLIOT (8) sits at the kitchen table. His MOTHER *
(30s), pretty but cold. Buttoned up, a short haircut, and *
expressionless face. She methodically smokes a cigarette. *

Young Elliot looks like he’s been scolded. His mother grabs *
his arm, digging her nails in until it bleeds. He goes to *
scream-- *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
That’s not an option. *

INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - MOMENTS LATER *

Elliot snorts up a line of morphine. He lies back down on the *
floor as it takes effect. Qwerty plops on his stomach and *
watches him. He smiles. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
The key to doing morphine without *
turning into a junkie is to limit *
yourself to 30mg a day. Anything more *
just builds up your tolerance. I *
check every pill I get for purity, I *
have 8mg Suboxone for maintenance in *
case I go through withdrawals-- *
24.

Elliot’s eyes grow wide. He sits up slowly.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Shit!
He stands and goes to the nightstand by his bed. He goes into
his Altoids can and realizes with annoyance its empty.

He takes a deep breath and pulls out his Evil Corp smartphone.
Through the cracked screen, we see his texts:
ELLIOT: Are you home?
SHAYLA: Yeah, R U?
ELLIOT: I’m out of my pills. Can I pick some up?
SHAYLA: B up in a sec.
MOMENTS LATER
SHAYLA (30s), a tatted, hipster girl, sits across from Elliot.
She fingers out a baggie full of orange pills.

SHAYLA
You never tell me what these are for?
ELLIOT
(ignoring her)
How much?
SHAYLA
On the house.
ELLIOT
No, Shayla, not doing that. This is
just a regular drug deal, like it
always is.
Elliot offers her cash. Shayla resigns herself and takes it.

SHAYLA
What are you up to tonight? I was
gonna post a party thing on your
Facebook, but you still didn’t create
an account. I thought you said you
were going to.

ELLIOT
I never said I was going to.

SHAYLA
Why not?

ELLIOT
Because I hate Facebook.
25.


SHAYLA
(offended)
That’s crazy.

Elliot shoots her a look, “I guess I’m crazy.” Disappointed,
Shayla pulls out two white pills from her pocket.
SHAYLA (CONT’D)
Wanna do these together then? My
dealer says Lena Dunham buys them all
the time. They’re pure Molly.

The last line piques Elliot’s interest, though his look is
already regretting the decision.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - LATER
Elliot lies naked in his bed, smoking a joint, while a nude
Shayla lies next to him, fast asleep. He wears a dumb look.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Don’t ever make decisions when you’re
on morphine.

His cell beeps. He looks at it.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Foursquare check-in for Krista at Bar
None. It’s Friday night. It has to be
with Michael. I’ve gotta go to work.
He puts on clothes and looks at Qwerty.
ELLIOT
(re: Shayla)
Keep an eye on her while I’m gone.
EXT. BAR NONE - NIGHT
Elliot, in a hoodie, walks by Bar None across the street. He
doesn’t walk towards it, instead he stays put, lurking around
the corner. He pulls out his phone and uses the camera to zoom
in through the bar’s big windows.
The camera finally lands on Krista and Michael dancing.
Michael’s goofy moves make Krista laugh.

EXT. BAR NONE - AWHILE LATER
Elliot’s camera is still on Michael from across the street as
he watches him kiss Krista goodbye. They part ways.

Elliot follows close behind as Michael walks through the
streets. Michael hails a cab. Elliot snaps a picture of the
number on top of Michael’s cab as it takes off.
He quickly pulls out his cell phone and dials.
26.

ELLIOT
(into the phone)
Yes, hi... I think I left my keys in
one of your cabs--
(looking at the picture)
Number 876496... yes, I have like a
photographic memory thing... yeah,
I’ll hold.
Elliot looks around the city block he’s standing on. In the
distance, a late night diner shows two MEN IN BLACK having
coffee. Elliot hides behind a bus stop, watching them.
Suddenly, the MR. ROBOT bum from the subway walks up to their
table, begging for money. Elliot shoots a confused look-- but
gets interrupted when the operator returns.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
350 Hawthorne Avenue. Thanks.
He hangs up and returns his gaze back to the two MEN IN BLACK.
Mr. Robot is nowhere to be seen. He lets it go for now and
returns to the task at hand.
EXT. 350 HAWTHORNE AVENUE - LATER
Elliot walks up and sees the cab, waiting by the curb. On the
stoop in front of 350 Hawthorne, Michael smokes a cigarette as
he begrudgingly walks his dog. It’s as if Michael has
completely dropped his cheery, nice guy act.
MICHAEL
Come on, asshole, piss already.
He kicks the dog, causing him to YELP.
Elliot charges from across the street.
The cowed dog looks up sheepishly at Michael as it nervously
paces around the small patch of grass.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Fucking GO!
He goes to kick the dog again, when Elliot finally gets there--
ELLIOT
Hey!
Michael stops and turns. Elliot looks at the dog with
sympathy, but then back at Michael.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Can I borrow your phone? Mine’s dead
and I need to call my mom.
Michael reluctantly nods and pulls out his cell. He slides it
unlocked with his passcode and hands it to him.
27.


Elliot takes it, immediately memorizing all the apps on his
homescreen, specifically the Wells Fargo app.
He dials his own number and calls. From within Elliot’s back
pocket, we see his phone light up and vibrate.
The cab, finally tired of waiting, peels out. The driver
loudly SWEARS to himself about the waste of time.
Elliot gets his own voicemail. He hangs up, quickly deletes
his call log and looks back at Michael.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
No answer. Thanks anyway.
Michael takes his phone back with a shrug.
EXT. NYC SUBWAY - LATER
Elliot walks out of the subway station, smoking a joint. His
phone immediately vibrates. He looks at it with a question,
then answers.
ELLIOT
Angela? Everything okay?
INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Elliot returns to his messy loft and finds solace in his cat, Qwerty. He reflects on his loneliness and resorts to using morphine to cope. He meets with his friend Shayla for a drug deal and ends up taking Molly with her. Later, he follows his psychologist, Krista, and her boyfriend, Michael, to gather information. The scene ends with Elliot realizing he left his keys in a cab and feeling overwhelmed.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of loneliness and desperation
  • Intriguing use of drugs and mysterious men
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of depth in secondary characters
  • Moments where dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be improved

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Elliot's loneliness and desperation through his actions and inner thoughts. The use of drugs adds tension and suspense to the scene. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring Elliot's loneliness and addiction is intriguing and relatable. The use of mysterious men following him adds an element of suspense. However, the scene could benefit from further exploration of Elliot's emotional state and the consequences of his actions.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Elliot's struggle with loneliness, addiction, and his pursuit of information. The introduction of mysterious men and the conflict with Michael add intrigue. However, the plot could be further developed to create stronger connections between the different storylines.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of the protagonist's internal struggles and the use of drug addiction as a coping mechanism. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Elliot, Shayla, and Michael, are well-defined and their actions align with their personalities. Elliot's loneliness and desperation are effectively portrayed through his interactions and inner thoughts. However, more depth could be added to the secondary characters.

Character Changes: 7

Elliot experiences some character changes in the scene, particularly in his decision to follow Krista and Michael and his realization of his own loneliness. However, these changes could be further developed and have a stronger impact on his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to cope with his loneliness and sadness. He is seeking comfort and escape through drug use.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to obtain more drugs. He contacts his friend Shayla to pick up pills from her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from Elliot's internal struggles, his interactions with Shayla and Michael, and the presence of the mysterious men. The conflict adds tension and drives the plot forward. However, the stakes could be further heightened to increase the overall impact.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as the protagonist faces internal struggles rather than external obstacles. However, the presence of Mr. Robot and the protagonist's encounter with him adds a sense of mystery and potential opposition.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are moderately high, with Elliot risking exposure and facing the consequences of his actions. However, the stakes could be further heightened to increase the tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening Elliot's emotional journey. However, there are moments where the pacing could be improved to maintain the momentum of the overall story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's drug use and his encounter with Mr. Robot. These elements add tension and intrigue to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Elliot's desire for connection and his reliance on drugs to cope with his loneliness. This conflict challenges his beliefs about how to handle his emotions and form relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including sadness, anxiety, and disappointment. Elliot's loneliness and desperation are deeply felt, and the use of drugs as a coping mechanism adds to the emotional impact. However, there is room for further exploration of Elliot's emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more impactful and contribute to the overall tone and themes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's inner thoughts and emotions, creating a sense of empathy and intrigue. The use of voiceover and vivid descriptions also draw the reader/viewer into the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of introspection and action. It keeps the reader/viewer engaged and interested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between different moments and locations, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
  • The use of voiceover narration is excessive and can be distracting. It would be more effective to show Elliot's emotions and thoughts through his actions and dialogue.
  • The flashback to Young Elliot and his mother feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene. It doesn't add much to the overall story or character development.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Shayla feels forced and unnatural. It could benefit from more authentic and nuanced exchanges.
  • The scene contains explicit drug use and mistreatment of animals, which may be disturbing or triggering for some readers. Consider toning down these elements or finding alternative ways to convey Elliot's struggles.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for Elliot, making it feel disconnected from the overall story arc.
  • The presence of the Men in Black feels arbitrary and doesn't contribute much to the scene or the larger plot.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and actions to engage the reader and create a more vivid and immersive experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have clearer transitions between different moments and locations.
  • Instead of relying heavily on voiceover narration, find ways to show Elliot's emotions and thoughts through his actions and dialogue.
  • Reevaluate the inclusion of the flashback to Young Elliot and his mother. If it doesn't serve a significant purpose, consider removing it or finding a more appropriate place for it in the story.
  • Work on improving the dialogue between Elliot and Shayla to make it more authentic and nuanced.
  • Consider toning down the explicit drug use and mistreatment of animals, or find alternative ways to convey Elliot's struggles.
  • Give Elliot a clear objective or goal in the scene to make it more purposeful and connected to the larger story.
  • Reevaluate the presence of the Men in Black and their relevance to the scene and the overall plot.
  • Add more visual descriptions and actions to engage the reader and create a more immersive experience.



Scene 8 -  AllSafe Offices Under Attack
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE
Angela stands apart from Lloyd, who is desperately trying to
tackle a tech issue on his desktop.
ANGELA
(into the phone)
No, it’s not. Are you home? Were you
asleep? I’ve been trying you for
fifteen minutes.
ELLIOT
I was in the subway. What’s going on?
ANGELA
(discreet)
I need you to come to AllSafe.
ELLIOT
You’re there? It’s three in the
morning.
ANGELA
They hacked into Evil’s servers
again. But it’s bad this time. It’s a
DoS attack.

SUPER: “DoS Attack - A Denial of Service attack, an attempt to
make a machine or network unavailable to its intended users”
28.


ANGELA (CONT’D)
All their sites are down, the store,
the corporate, email, phone system,
everything.
ELLIOT
Did you call Lloyd? He’s on call--
ANGELA
Yeah, he’s here.

Lloyd slaps himself out of frustration as he types.
ELLIOT
Is he talking to Evil’s tech
department?
ANGELA
He’s online with them, but so far,
nothing. This is bad, Elliot. It’s
been down for almost an hour.
(lowered voice)
I don’t think Lloyd can fix this.
Look, Gideon just put me on this
account. I can’t fuck up the first
week. I need you. Please.
Elliot looks back into the subway. He tosses his joint.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - NIGHT

Elliot sits in his usual place, staring ahead, thinking-- but *
for the first time, he looks perplexed. *

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT *
Elliot races in. Angela walks up to him, panicking.
ELLIOT
Anything?
ANGELA
No. I called Gideon.
ELLIOT
Why? It’s only been down for an hour
and a half.
ANGELA
Yeah, well, an hour and a half in
Evil Corp’s time is like 13 million
dollars in revenue. Approximately. I
lied, actually, I calculated that.
That’s exactly how much they lost.
ELLIOT
Don’t worry, I got this.
29.

They approach Lloyd who is sweating bullets in his cubicle.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Lloyd, what’s the deal?
No response, Lloyd is locked in on his terminal.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Lloyd!
Lloyd snaps out of his trance and looks at Elliot.
LLOYD
Elliot. This is bad.
ELLIOT
What’s happening?
LLOYD
We’ve got server overloads on all of
them, not just the web servers.
ELLIOT
That doesn’t make any sense. Most of
the servers aren’t even exposed. Shut
down all the ports on 80--
LLOYD
I did that already, I think they
might have gotten behind the
switches.
ELLIOT
Wait a minute, I thought this was
just a DoS attack.
LLOYD
Dude, this is fucked is what this is.
ELLIOT
I’m gonna login.

Biggie’s “Somebody’s Gotta Die” RISES on the soundtrack as
Elliot types furiously on his desktop, navigating Evil Corp’s
servers. The music continues throughout this sequence as we--

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista walks into her clean, Ikea-furnished apartment with a
drunken smile pasted on her face. She mumbles to herself:

KRISTA
Don't fall in love, honey, come on.
It's still early. But it feels good,
it definitely feels--
30.


Her phone beeps with a text. She excitedly takes it out.

KRISTA (CONT’D)
Oh God, is that him?

MICHAEL: I miss u

She smiles as she types in a flirtatious response back.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Elliot finishes a can of Red Bull as he switches terminal
windows, typing furiously.

INT. ALI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ali is in his boxers, studiously watching THE SECRET on DVD
and writing notes on a legal pad. His laptop flashes a Skype
alert. Stella B pops up on the screen. He grins.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Elliot types away as Gideon walks in. Even though he’s angry,
he keeps his cool. He sees Elliot, then faces Angela.

GIDEON
Status update-- what the fuck is
going on?
ELLIOT
Someone’s taken down their servers.

GIDEON
Where is it coming from?

ELLIOT
Everywhere. USA, Finland, Thailand,
Kuwait. I can’t trace them. They got
behind the switches somehow. They’re
sending large numbers of IP packets
to everything. Evil Corp’s entire
network is crashing in on itself.
GIDEON
Swap out the switches.

Elliot continues to type as he takes his orders.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
But if I were these guys, I’d know
that and have a rootkit sitting on
the firewall sending out attacks
internally--
Elliot hits a few keystrokes hard and looks to Lloyd.
31.

ELLIOT
Mine are swapped.
LLOYD
One and two are swapped.

Angela jumps on a computer and tries to go to Evil Corp’s
website.
ANGELA
Still down.

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista is in her robe, reading another text--

MICHAEL: I couldn’t resist...

Her DOORBELL goes off. She opens the door and Michael is
standing there with flowers. He passionately kisses her.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT
GIDEON
What about the firewall?
ELLIOT
I think...
Elliot taps on his computer slower now as he thinks.
GIDEON
What?
ELLIOT
I think they put a rootkit in the
firewall.

SUPER: “Rootkit - A set of software tools with administrator-
level access to a computer or network”

It starts to register to Gideon that this is bad. Very bad.

ANGELA
What’s a rootkit?

LLOYD
It’s like a crazy serial rapist with
a very big dick.

ANGELA
Jesus, Lloyd!

LLOYD
Sorry! It’s malicious code that takes
over the operating system.
32.

LLOYD (CONT'D)
It can delete system files, or worse,
install programs, viruses, worms,
anything it wants.

ANGELA
How do we stop it?

LLOYD
That’s the thing, it can make itself
invisible. They’re almost impossible
to find.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Elliot is called to AllSafe offices in the middle of the night because Evil Corp's servers have been hacked. Elliot and his colleagues try to figure out the source of the attack and how to stop it. Meanwhile, Krista receives flirty texts from her boyfriend, Michael, and Ali watches a self-help DVD. The scene ends with Elliot discovering that a rootkit has been installed in the firewall, making it difficult to stop the attack.
Strengths "The scene effectively creates tension and suspense, with realistic dialogue and technical details. The intercutting of different characters' perspectives adds depth to the narrative."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from further exploration of the characters' emotional states and internal conflicts. Some of the technical jargon may be difficult for non-technical viewers to understand."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency and high stakes. The technical details and fast-paced dialogue add to the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a cyber attack on a major corporation is intriguing and relevant. The scene effectively conveys the complexity and seriousness of the situation.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the cyber attack and the characters' efforts to stop it. The pacing and escalation of the conflict keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a hacking attack and the urgency to fix it is not entirely unique, the specific details and dialogue in the scene add freshness to the familiar situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their actions and dialogue reflect their personalities and motivations. However, there is room for further exploration of their emotional states and internal conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the pressure and stress of the situation reveal aspects of the characters' personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to fix the hacking attack on Evil Corp's servers and prove his skills and value to his colleagues.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop the hacking attack on Evil Corp's servers and prevent further damage to the company's systems.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted, involving the cyber attack, the characters' personal relationships, and the pressure to fix the problem quickly.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces a challenging hacking attack that threatens a major company. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will overcome the obstacle.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the characters must prevent a major corporation from suffering financial losses and reputational damage. The outcome of the cyber attack could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up the next plot developments and creates anticipation for the resolution of the cyber attack.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a hacking attack that requires the protagonist to think on his feet and find a solution. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will overcome the challenge.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes anxiety and fear in the audience as they witness the chaos and uncertainty caused by the cyber attack. The characters' frustrations and determination also elicit an emotional response.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is fast-paced, technical, and realistic. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a problem and creates a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The quick dialogue exchanges and the protagonist's fast typing add to the pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly without any transition from the previous scene. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition to establish the change in location and time.
  • The dialogue between Angela and Elliot feels rushed and lacks natural flow. It would benefit from more pauses and moments of reflection to make it feel more realistic.
  • The explanation of the DoS attack and rootkit feels too technical and may be difficult for the audience to understand. It could be simplified or explained in a more accessible way.
  • The introduction of Krista's personal life and her interaction with Michael feels disconnected from the main plot and doesn't contribute much to the scene. It could be removed or integrated more seamlessly.
  • The dialogue between Lloyd and Angela about the rootkit is overly explicit and crude. It could be toned down to maintain a more professional tone.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and actions to make it more engaging. It mostly consists of characters talking and typing on computers, which can become monotonous.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, especially towards the end when the discovery of the rootkit is made. It would benefit from more moments of tension and suspense.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more. It ends abruptly without a sense of closure or anticipation for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Add a transitional shot or scene to establish the change in location and time.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Angela and Elliot to make it more natural and reflective of their characters.
  • Simplify the explanation of the DoS attack and rootkit to make it more accessible to the audience.
  • Integrate Krista's personal life and interaction with Michael more seamlessly into the main plot or consider removing it.
  • Tone down the explicit and crude dialogue between Lloyd and Angela to maintain a more professional tone.
  • Add more visual elements and actions to make the scene visually engaging.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create more tension and suspense.
  • Create a clear resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 9 -  The Hack
INT. TYRELL WELLICK’S SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT

Tyrell Wellick snaps awake as his phone rings violently. He
looks at the caller ID, but isn’t pleased.

TYRELL WELLICK
(in Swedish, subtitles)
Yes? Is it absolutely necessary?

His Filipino, pregnant wife, JOANNA (30s), also stirs awake.

JOANNA
Babe?

TYRELL WELLICK
Shut up, go to sleep.

Tyrell gets out of bed, fully nude, and leaves the bedroom.

LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Still naked, he stands in front of his massive 70” Plasma TV.
FOX News is reporting with a banner: “EVIL CORP’S NETWORK
SUFFERS MAJOR OUTAGE”

Tyrell isn’t fazed by this.

TYRELL WELLICK
(in Swedish, subtitles)
Yes, I see it... they’ve failed
before, they’re more than welcome to
fail again.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NIGHT

Angela scans all the headlines on the news websites, then
looks over to Gideon.

ANGELA
They’re starting to report about the
outage.
33.

GIDEON
(to Elliot)
Swap out the firewall again.
ELLIOT
(typing away)
Every time I swap a server load over
to another firewall, the rootkit
replicates itself before I take the
bad one down.
(then) *
It’s defending itself. *

Everyone exchanges tense looks.

GIDEON
What’s next?
ELLIOT
(thinks)
The only thing we can do is...we have
to deliberately crash the system.

A moment as the harrowing thought sinks in. Then, Gideon
carefully unplugs a printer, picks it up and smashes it
through one of the windows of the conference room.

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

They’ve moved to the bedroom, clothes are off as Krista climbs
on top of Michael. She closes her eyes, savoring the moment.

INT. EVIL CORP HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Terry Colby walks in full rage, flanked by his team of
engineers and Tyrell Wellick.

TERRY COLBY
Why do we have to shut down the whole
network? Who’s on this?

TYRELL
We have AllSafe heading to our main
server farm in Virginia.

TERRY COLBY
AllSafe? Aren’t they here?

TYRELL
We’re flying one of their engineers
out on the company jet.

TERRY COLBY
Too much time. Just have one of our
guys out in Virginia do it--
34.


TYRELL
To be honest sir, I don’t trust them.
Not with this.

TERRY COLBY
And why is that?

TYRELL *
(pause) *
Gut instinct. *

INT. PRIVATE JET (MOVING) - NIGHT
Elliot and Gideon sit silently in a small private Evil Corp
jet. Evil Corp SECURITY sit on either side of the plane.

INT. ALI’S APARTMENT
Ali’s late night video chat with Stella B gets interrupted
when he sees a text from Angela. He browses to Google News and
sees the headline, CRIPPLING HACKER ATTACK BRINGS DOWN EVIL
CORP. He logs off with Stella and calls Angela.
INT. SERVER FARM - NIGHT
Elliot speed-walks into the loud WHIRRING of the large arrays
of servers. He finds a console and terminals in.
GIDEON
Where is it?
Elliot rapidly types.
ELLIOT
Row 7A.

Both of them race through the rows of servers until they find
it. Elliot scans the arrays until he sees the right stack of
firewalls. He places his fingers on the Ethernet cables, then
nervously pauses.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Here we go.

Elliot starts ripping the cables out--

INT. KRISTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Krista climaxes. It’s amazing. She slowly lies next to him,
quivering with emotion. She looks at him dotingly.

KRISTA
I love you...

He kisses her--
35.


INT. SERVER FARM - NIGHT

Gideon nervously paces around the pulled firewalls that are
stacked up in a pile on the floor. Elliot is typing furiously
as he configures the newly installed firewalls. A group of
tech SPECTATORS have now formed around Elliot, watching him
with anticipation.
GIDEON
(discreet)
Come on, Elliot, they’ve been down
for six hours--
ELLIOT
Hold on...try it now.
Gideon tries the Evil Corp website. It’s back up. Gideon
breathes a sigh of relief.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Wait, ask Angela. We need to see if
it’s back up in the outside world.
Gideon video conferences Angela through his laptop.
ANGELA
(smiles)
We’re good on our end guys!

The song comes to an end as the commotion finally subsides.
The spectators CLAP. Gideon stands up proudly and squeezes
Elliot’s shoulder. Elliot shies away from the contact.
ELLIOT
I still have to finish the
configuration. Give me a minute.
GIDEON
(put off)
Okay. I’ll meet you by the bathrooms.
The spectators disperse along with Gideon. Elliot continues to
furiously type.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
They must have left a mark or
something. Every hacker loves to
gloat. They don’t just do DoS attacks
for no reason.
That’s when Elliot stumbles upon a file in the terminal that
reads simply: fsociety.
He /dir’s it and a flurry of files go flying by, the last one
being README.TXT. He opens it. It reads simply: leavemehere
36.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
This was the rootkit. Fsociety? Is
that supposed to be a joke?
Elliot steps out of the directory and types: rm fsociety/* He
takes a pause before hitting enter.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Wait. This note is for me. They’re
telling me to leave it here. But why?

Techs walk by, nervously surprising Elliot. He can’t bring *
himself to delete it-- he closes the terminal and walks away. *
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Tyrell Wellick is awakened by a phone call informing him of Evil Corp's network outage. Meanwhile, Elliot and his colleagues at AllSafe try to figure out the source of the attack and how to stop it. Krista and Michael engage in a passionate moment. Elliot and Gideon fly to the server farm to crash the system and stop the attack. Elliot discovers a file named fsociety and hesitates to delete it.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, provides insight into the characters' motivations, and moves the story forward."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more impactful and memorable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The tension builds as the characters race against time to stop the attack. The emotional impact is strong, especially during Krista and Michael's intimate moment. The scene effectively moves the story forward and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a major network outage caused by a hacker attack is intriguing and relevant. The scene effectively portrays the technical aspects of hacking and the consequences of such an attack.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The hacking situation and the characters' actions to stop the attack create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Originality: 7

This scene has a moderate level of originality. The use of different languages and the focus on hacking and technology add freshness to familiar situations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions and emotions are believable. The scene provides insight into Tyrell Wellick, Elliot, Krista, and Gideon's personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle character changes, such as Tyrell's frustration and Elliot's hesitation to delete the fsociety file. However, the changes are not significant in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Tyrell Wellick's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and power. This reflects his deeper need for dominance and his fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deliberately crash the system to defend against the rootkit. This reflects the immediate challenge of the hacker attack and the need to protect Evil Corp's network.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters race against time to stop the attack and face challenges in doing so. The tension between Tyrell and his wife, as well as the conflict between Elliot and the hackers, adds to the overall conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the characters face challenges and obstacles in their efforts to defend against the hacker attack.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters try to prevent a major network outage and protect their clients' data. The consequences of failure are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving the network outage and introducing the fsociety file as a new plot element.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions, such as smashing a printer through a window, and a cliffhanger ending.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Tyrell's gut instinct and Terry Colby's trust in AllSafe. This challenges Tyrell's belief in his own intuition and his distrust of others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, anxiety, and relief. The intimate moment between Krista and Michael adds a touch of emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and technical aspects of the hacking situation. However, there are fewer memorable lines or impactful dialogue exchanges in this scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it combines suspenseful moments, fast-paced action, and emotional moments between characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The fast-paced action and quick dialogue keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, moves between different locations, and ends with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Tyrell Wellick receiving a phone call about Evil Corp's network outage. While the dialogue is in Swedish with subtitles, it would be helpful to include a translation for readers who may not understand the language.
  • The interaction between Tyrell and his wife Joanna feels cold and dismissive, which may be intentional to portray their relationship dynamics. However, it could benefit from more depth and nuance to make the characters more relatable and interesting.
  • The transition from Tyrell's home to the AllSafe offices feels abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a brief establishing shot or a transition scene to bridge the gap.
  • The dialogue between Angela and Gideon about the outage is straightforward and lacks tension. Adding more urgency and concern in their conversation would heighten the stakes and make the scene more engaging.
  • Elliot's explanation of the rootkit issue and his suggestion to deliberately crash the system is clear, but it could benefit from more technical details to make it feel authentic and grounded in reality.
  • Gideon smashing a printer through a window feels out of place and overly dramatic. Consider finding a more subtle and believable way to convey the characters' frustration and desperation.
  • The transition from the AllSafe offices to Krista's apartment feels disjointed. Adding a smoother transition or a brief establishing shot would help the audience understand the change in location.
  • The scene in Krista's apartment lacks emotional depth and feels rushed. Consider adding more dialogue or actions to develop the characters' relationship and make the moment more meaningful.
  • The transition from Krista's apartment to Evil Corp headquarters feels abrupt. Adding a smoother transition or a brief establishing shot would help the audience understand the change in location.
  • The dialogue between Terry Colby and Tyrell Wellick lacks tension and could benefit from more conflict. Adding more confrontational dialogue or subtext would make the scene more engaging.
  • The transition from Evil Corp headquarters to the private jet feels abrupt. Adding a smoother transition or a brief establishing shot would help the audience understand the change in location.
  • The scene with Ali in his apartment feels disconnected from the main plot and lacks relevance. Consider either integrating Ali's storyline more seamlessly or removing it to maintain focus on the main narrative.
  • The transition from Ali's apartment to the server farm feels abrupt. Adding a smoother transition or a brief establishing shot would help the audience understand the change in location.
  • The scene at the server farm lacks tension and urgency. Consider adding more suspenseful elements or obstacles to heighten the stakes and make the scene more gripping.
  • The discovery of the fsociety file and Elliot's hesitation to delete it is intriguing, but it could benefit from more build-up and foreshadowing to make the moment more impactful.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader in the world of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider providing translations for the dialogue in Swedish to ensure clarity for all readers.
  • Develop the dynamics between Tyrell and Joanna to make their interaction more engaging and multi-dimensional.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Add more urgency and tension in the dialogue between Angela and Gideon to heighten the stakes.
  • Include more technical details and explanations to make Elliot's dialogue about the rootkit issue feel more authentic.
  • Find a more believable and subtle way to convey the characters' frustration and desperation instead of having Gideon smash a printer through a window.
  • Improve the transitions between different locations to create a more seamless narrative flow.
  • Add more depth and emotional resonance to the scene in Krista's apartment to make it more impactful.
  • Enhance the conflict and tension in the dialogue between Terry Colby and Tyrell Wellick to make the scene more engaging.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Integrate Ali's storyline more seamlessly into the main plot or consider removing it to maintain focus.
  • Improve the tension and urgency in the scene at the server farm by adding more suspenseful elements or obstacles.
  • Build up and foreshadow the discovery of the fsociety file to make the moment more impactful.
  • Include more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader in the story.



Scene 10 -  Revelations and Desperation
INT. PRIVATE JET (MOVING) - DAWN

Exhausted, Elliot and Gideon sit silently together. Though
Elliot is used to the all-nighters, Gideon isn’t. He has a
glass of wine as he sits back, deep in thought.

GIDEON
Did you know that I was gay?

ELLIOT *
Um...no.

After an awkward pause, Gideon uncomfortably nods. *

GIDEON
Consider this me coming out to you
then, okay? It’s hard, because I
don’t like to talk about my sex life.
But my partner-- he gets very
paranoid, he thinks I’m ashamed of--
you know. He wants me to be more
public about it. Anyway, I’m gay.

ELLIOT *
(awkward pause) *
Thanks. *

Deep in thought again, Gideon slowly sips his wine. Elliot
notices the troubled look on his face.

ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Don’t worry about it. Hackers have a
short attention span. They’ll get
bored and harass someone else--

GIDEON
Evil Corp is thinking about leaving.
And, I don’t know if I blame them...

Gideon shakes his head.
37.


ELLIOT
We have other clients.

GIDEON
We had other clients. Everyone’s
slashing their budgets, doing
security internally. Evil Corp is
seventy percent of our business right
now. We can’t lose them. I’m already
extended on our credit line. If we
lose them, that’s gonna be it for us.
That’s gonna be it for me.

Gideon takes another sip of his wine and leans back in his
chair. He looks up, hopeless, unsettled. He looks over.

GIDEON (CONT’D)
I feel like I can talk to you. More
than the others, anyway.

They share a comfortable moment this time.

GIDEON (CONT’D) *
I’m sure, in a strange way, you’ll be *
happy if we went under. *
(off his look) *
Oh, come on. I know you hate the *
stupid meetings, the birthday cake, *
wearing that shirt everyday... *

As Gideon lists off the things he supposedly hates, Elliot *
finds himself sincerely worried he’ll lose them. *

ELLIOT
Gideon?
(off his look)
I promise I’ll find them.

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - DAY
Elliot’s drained face stares stoically out, trying to piece
together the mystery of the recent hacks. He shakes his head
sadly.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
I’ll Google fsociety when I get home. *
I’ve never seen their name on the *
boards though. They’ve gotta be new. *
But they’re good-- *

Elliot’s train of thought is interrupted when Mr. Robot sits
across from him, donning the same gas attendant shirt.
MR. ROBOT
Rough night?
38.


Shocked, Elliot’s eyes grow large.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D) *
I’m gonna leave on the next stop. I
think you should come with me.
(puts on a ski cap)
But, only if you didn’t delete it. If
you deleted it, then we have nothing
to talk about.
Mr. Robot stands and waits by the doors. Elliot sits there,
paralyzed, not knowing what to do at all.
ELLIOT
Are you talking to me?
Mr. Robot says nothing, but the empty car states the obvious.
The subway finally screeches to a halt. Elliot stands as it
stops. Mr. Robot walks off the subway. Elliot stands there for
a moment, wondering if he should follow him. He does.
PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Robot sits on the other side of the station. Elliot slowly
walks over and sits next to him.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Who are you?
MR. ROBOT
We’re gonna wait for the Q.
ELLIOT
And then what?

MR. ROBOT
And then we’re gonna go to Brooklyn,
out by Coney Island.
ELLIOT
Why? What’s there?
MR. ROBOT
Of course you’re gonna ask a lot of
questions. It’s weird what you’re
doing right now. I get that. Thing
is, I can’t tell you anything until
we get there.
Mr. Robot pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

ELLIOT
I don’t think you can smoke in here.
(Mr. Robot ignores him)
You’ve been following me. Why? What
do you want from me?
39.

MR. ROBOT
My dad was a petty thief. Never could
hold down a job. So, he just robbed,
convenience stores, shops, small-time
stuff. One time, he sat me down and
told me something that I never
forgot. He said, “Everyone steals,
that’s how it works. You think people
out there are getting exactly what
they deserve? No. They’re either
getting paid over or under, someone
in the chain always gets bamboozled.
I steal, but I don’t get caught,
that’s the contract I have with
society. If you can catch me
stealing, I’ll go to jail. If you
can’t, then I earn the money.”
(then) *
I respected that shit, man. As a *
little kid. I thought that was *
fucking cool. But a few years after *
that, they finally caught him, and he
goes to jail. Leaves three kids and a
wife with no money. Dies five years
after that, my respect goes with him.
I thought my dad was free, doing what
he did. He wasn’t. He was in prison.
(looks at Elliot)
Just like you are now, Elliot. But
I’m about to break you out.
Elliot shoots him a quiet, puzzled look. Mr. Robot puts on a
pair of sunglasses, smiles big and then stares ahead.

EXT. CONEY ISLAND - STREETS - DAY
An impoverished, ghetto block. Elliot cautiously follows Mr.
Robot down the street. An old Ferris wheel can be seen slowly
spinning in the distance.
They finally reach a rundown, boarded up arcade. The sign
reads: FUN SOCIETY ARCADE (but the U and N are faded). Mr.
Robot walks up to the door and grabs the key from under a dead
plant. He walks to the back, gesturing Elliot to follow him.

THE BACK - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Robot opens the backdoor. Blue, green, and gray Ethernet
cables run from all sides of the door. The sound of KEYBOARD
STROKES and CHATTER emanate from within.
Mr. Robot walks in. Elliot follows.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot and Gideon have a candid conversation about their personal lives and the dire situation at AllSafe. Mr. Robot approaches Elliot and invites him to a mysterious location. They end up at an abandoned arcade in Coney Island.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, intriguing plot development, well-developed characters"
Weaknesses "Limited action, heavy reliance on dialogue"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters and sets up intrigue for future events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret society and the potential for Elliot's involvement adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as Elliot is presented with a new opportunity and potential conflict.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not present any fresh or unique approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic and believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' vulnerabilities and personal struggles are explored, deepening their development.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot's encounter with Mr. Robot and his decision to follow him indicate a potential change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to provide support and reassurance to Gideon, who is feeling anxious about the potential loss of a major client. This reflects Elliot's desire to be helpful and to maintain the stability of their company.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prevent the loss of the major client, Evil Corp. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining the financial stability of their company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the potential loss of AllSafe's main client and Elliot's involvement with Mr. Robot creates tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Gideon expresses his concerns and fears about the potential loss of a major client. The audience is unsure of how Elliot will respond and whether he will be able to prevent the loss.

High Stakes: 8

The potential loss of AllSafe's main client and Elliot's involvement with a mysterious society raise the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene introduces new plot elements and moves the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the possibility of the protagonist following a mysterious character, Mr. Robot, to an unknown location. The audience is left wondering about the true intentions and motivations of Mr. Robot.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, worry, and curiosity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue reveals important information about the characters' lives and motivations.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it reveals important information about the characters' relationships and the challenges they are facing. The dialogue and actions create tension and emotional depth.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions are well-timed and flow smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. It is well-organized and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with an exhausted Elliot and Gideon sitting silently together on a private jet. The dialogue between them feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially when Gideon suddenly comes out as gay. The conversation lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their struggles.
  • The transition from the private jet to the subway platform feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between the two locations, which disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Robot and Elliot on the subway platform is intriguing, but it lacks clarity and purpose. The conversation feels cryptic and confusing, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions to engage the audience visually. It relies heavily on dialogue, which can make it feel stagnant and uninteresting.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is inconsistent. It starts with a sense of exhaustion and discomfort, then shifts to a more hopeful and mysterious tone with Mr. Robot's appearance. This inconsistency makes it difficult for the audience to fully immerse themselves in the scene.
  • The conflicts in the scene, such as Gideon's worry about losing Evil Corp as a client and Elliot's promise to find the hackers, are not fully explored or resolved. This leaves the audience with a sense of unresolved tension and dissatisfaction.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, consider rewriting the dialogue between Elliot and Gideon on the private jet to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Explore their fears and vulnerabilities in a deeper and more meaningful way.
  • Smoothly transition between the private jet and the subway platform to create a seamless flow between the two locations. This can be achieved through visual cues or a more gradual shift in the narrative.
  • Clarify the purpose and meaning behind Mr. Robot's conversation with Elliot on the subway platform. Provide more context and explanation to help the audience understand the significance of their interaction.
  • Introduce more visual elements or actions to engage the audience visually. This can include incorporating unique camera angles, visual symbolism, or dynamic movements to enhance the scene's visual appeal.
  • Ensure consistency in the emotional tone of the scene. Establish a clear emotional arc for the characters and maintain it throughout the scene to create a more cohesive and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Further explore and resolve the conflicts introduced in the scene. Develop the tension between Gideon's fear of losing a major client and Elliot's determination to find the hackers. This will provide a more satisfying resolution for the audience.



Scene 11 -  The Meeting at the Arcade
INT. FSOCIETY ARCADE - CONTINUOUS
An arcade with very little working games left. Using fallen *
games as tables for computers, four hackers type away: MOBLEY
(30s) - an obese man with shaggy hair. TRENTON (16) - a nerd
eating Ramen straight from the Styrofoam bowl.
40.

MARLENE (20s) - an aggressive yet striking hipster who chain
smokes. She wears a fur coat and blue Ray Bans. ROMERO (50s) -
a long, gray-haired hippie with a fanny pack.

ELLIOT
Why would you guys actually meet IRL?

SUPER: “IRL - In Real Life”
None of them look up, all of them with earbuds plugged in as
they type away. A Depeche Mode song plays over the loud
speaker. Mr. Robot gestures for Elliot to follow him around
the corner, into the kitchen. He makes himself a glass of beer
from the tap.
MR. ROBOT
Remember LulzSec?

SUPER: “LulzSec - A computer hacker group that claimed
responsibility for several high profile attacks”

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
They got outed by their own leader to
the FBI, and six hackers went to
prison for it. How do you think they
got ‘em? They went into the dude’s
computers and tracked all of them
down through e-mails, VPN sessions,
chat messages, texts-- one guy, and
everything goes down. It’s what you
call--
ELLIOT
A central point of failure.
MR. ROBOT
(smiles)
Right. Because they didn’t meet in
person, they compromised each other
every time they sent so much as a
fucking smiley face. The rule here
is, it’s done here, and only here. It
ends when you walk out that door, and
begins when you walk in. Our
encryption is the real world.
ELLIOT
How do you talk to each other then?

Mr. Robot walks over to the popcorn machine and starts eating
straight out of it.
MR. ROBOT
We don’t. We come and go, work on the
project as much as we can.
41.

ELLIOT
(discreet)
How do you trust them?
MR. ROBOT
I have them do an exercise. If they
pass, they become one of us. If they
fail...
ELLIOT
(realizing)
The DoS attack...last night...you
were testing me?
Mr. Robot takes off his jacket as he smiles yes. Elliot peers
back to the hackers.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
You said there was a project. What’s
the project?
MR. ROBOT
(nods)
We’ll get to all of that. I just
wanted you to meet the crew and show
you the place.
They walk back into the main room. Mr. Robot sits down with
the hackers, puts his earbuds in and slaps on a pair of
sunglasses. He picks up a beast of an Evil Corp laptop and
begins typing away. Elliot stands there, unsure of how to
proceed.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
(pulls out an earbud)
Not much for you to do without a CPU.
Go get one, come back when you’re
ready.

INT. NYC STREETS - DAY *
Elliot doesn’t walk the streets so carefully this time, as his
mind swims in the mystery of what he just witnessed.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m fucking crazy. I have to be
fucking crazy. Because, that didn’t
just happen, right? This is a
delusion. Is this a delusion? I’m a
schizo. Really? Have I really lost it
this time. No, last night happened.
It was real. We were in Virginia. *
Evil Corp’s servers were compromised.
Those are facts, not delusions. I
know, I know, I realize I’m saying
all of this to an imaginary person--
but I created you.
(takes a breath)
I didn’t create this.
42.

INT. ELLIOT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
Elliot walks into his hallway and sees Angela sitting outside
his door, smoking a cigarette by the window. She stands when
she sees him.
ANGELA
Thank God you’re here. I was just
about to go wait in that Starbucks on
the corner. You live in a bad
neighborhood, do you know that?
ELLIOT
I do know that.
She shows him a BACK TO THE FUTURE II DVD.
ANGELA
Wanna get high and watch our favorite
movie? You saved our asses last
night. I thought Gideon was
definitely going to fire me. Where
have you been? I thought you’d be
sleeping.
ELLIOT
I-- fell asleep on the train.
ANGELA
(skeptical)
Sounds like such a lie but, whatever,
I don’t wanna get into it right now.
So, you wanna do this? I miss Qwerty,
hope she’s happy to see me.
Elliot unlocks the door and they walk into the apartment.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT
Shayla sits up, still naked. She covers herself.
ELLIOT
Oh, shit.
SHAYLA
Um, Elliot, who is this? What day is
it? It’s not Wednesday, is it?
ELLIOT
(to Angela)
Look, can I talk to you outside?

Angela, looking at Shayla’s tattoos, doesn’t register Elliot’s
question at first, but then nods.
43.


HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
ELLIOT
She wasn’t supposed to be here.

ANGELA *
It’s okay. This is great, Elliot. I’m *
happy for you. *
ELLIOT
It’s not like that.
ANGELA
Well, maybe it should be. It’s good
that you’re dating. *

Elliot reluctantly nods in defeat.

ANGELA (CONT’D)
And stop looking so sad.
(he looks up)
You’re always looking sad--

INT. FUNERAL RECEPTION (FLASHBACK) - DAY

YOUNG ELLIOT (14) wears black. He looks sad, but doesn’t cry.
He sits alone in the corner. YOUNG ANGELA (14), also in black,
walks up to him.

YOUNG ANGELA
You’re always looking sad.

YOUNG ELLIOT
(caught off guard)
My dad died.

YOUNG ANGELA
I know.
(she sits next to him) *
But you’ve looked sad before. I’ve
seen you.

YOUNG ELLIOT
You have?

YOUNG ANGELA
Yeah.

This makes Elliot feel good. In fact, this might be the first
smile he can remember.

YOUNG ANGELA (CONT’D)
I’m gonna go--
44.


INT. ELLIOT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY (PRESENT DAY)

ANGELA
I’ll see you on Monday. We’ll do
movie night next time. I promise.
Okay?
(re: Shayla)
Oh, and have fun.

Elliot nods as she walks away. Frustrated, Elliot walks into
his apartment and immediately says:
ELLIOT
Shayla, leave. NOW.
CUT TO:
INSERT: Google, 4chan, reddit, message boards, craigslist,
blogs, news sites, etc.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
No mention of Mr. Robot anywhere. No *
mention of fsociety. Not on any of *
the hacker boards. Not on 4chan, *
Reddit, Digg, Slashdot, IRC. Nothing. *

INSERT: Google maps on the fsociety arcade. *

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
Property was owned by Fun Society *
Amusement, LLC for thirteen years, *
owner was shot and killed a year and *
a half ago, no owner since. And the *
ownership history before that is *
sparse to nonexistent. This guy is *
good. Very good. Doesn’t matter. This *
is enough to turn them in. *

Elliot prints out the incriminating pages and files them in a *
blue manila envelope. *

Elliot sits back down, looking at the Google Maps picture of *
the fsociety arcade. The temptation is too strong, he cracks. *
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot meets the fsociety hackers at the arcade and learns about their project. He discovers that Mr. Robot was testing him with the DoS attack. Elliot is intrigued and wants to know more.
Strengths "The strengths of the scene include the sharp dialogue, the introduction of intriguing new characters, and the building of tension and intrigue."
Weaknesses "One weakness of the scene is the lack of significant emotional moments. The scene primarily focuses on plot and intrigue, with less emphasis on emotional depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and intriguing plot developments. The introduction of the fsociety hackers adds depth to the story and raises questions about their motives and goals. The scene effectively builds tension and leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of hackers working on a secret project to take down a powerful corporation is compelling and relevant. The scene introduces this concept effectively and leaves the audience wanting to learn more about the project and its implications.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-structured and moves the story forward. It introduces new information and raises questions about the larger story arc. The revelation that Mr. Robot was testing Elliot adds an element of mystery and raises the stakes for the character.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a hacker group and their methods is not entirely unique, the specific details and interactions in this scene feel fresh and authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue reflect the world of hacking and create an authentic atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and intriguing. Elliot's curiosity and desire to learn more about the project is evident, and Mr. Robot's enigmatic nature adds depth to the scene. The introduction of the fsociety hackers also adds new dimensions to the story.

Character Changes: 7

There is a slight character change for Elliot in this scene, as he becomes more intrigued and invested in the fsociety project. He is willing to take the next step and acquire a CPU to join the hackers. However, the change is not significant or transformative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the purpose and project of the hacker group he has joined. This reflects his deeper need for purpose and meaning in his life, as well as his desire to be part of something bigger than himself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prove himself to the hacker group and gain their trust. This reflects the immediate challenge of being tested and accepted by the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Elliot grapples with his curiosity and desire to learn more about the project. The tension between Elliot and Mr. Robot adds an element of suspense and raises the stakes for the character.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is tested by the hacker group and faces challenges to gain their trust. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will perform and whether he will be accepted by the group.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, as Elliot is drawn further into the world of hacking and the fsociety project. The revelation that Mr. Robot was testing him raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger and mystery to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the fsociety hackers and their project. It raises questions and creates intrigue, motivating the audience to continue watching to learn more about the project and its implications.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and revelations, such as the protagonist being tested by the group and the presence of another character in his apartment. These surprises keep the audience guessing and create suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between anonymity and trust. The protagonist questions how the group can trust each other without meeting in person, while Mr. Robot argues that their encryption and commitment to the project is their form of trust. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of face-to-face interaction and raises questions about the nature of trust in a digital world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as it raises questions and creates intrigue. The audience is invested in learning more about the project and the motivations of the characters. However, there are no significant emotional moments in the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and engaging. It effectively conveys information about the hackers' project and their secretive nature. The conversation between Elliot and Mr. Robot is particularly intriguing and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious hacker group and raises questions about trust and identity. The dialogue and narration create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience interested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and narration flow smoothly, and the scene transitions are well-timed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and conflict, and ends with a cliffhanger that leads into the next scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between locations, making it confusing for the reader to follow the action.
  • The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy, with characters explaining things that could be shown through actions or visuals.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be better conveyed through more nuanced and subtle dialogue and actions.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling and create a more engaging experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clear transitions or headings to indicate changes in location.
  • Find ways to show information through actions and visuals rather than relying on characters explaining things.
  • Work on creating more nuanced and realistic dialogue that reflects the emotional tone of the scene.
  • Think about incorporating more visual elements to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.



Scene 12 -  The Arcade
EXT. CONEY ISLAND STREETS - LATER
Elliot, carrying his bulky bookbag, walks through the slums of
Coney Island, back to the fsociety arcade.
Outside, Marlene sits on the curb and smokes. She has fuzzy
pink ear muffs on to protect her from the cold air.
Elliot enters through the metal gate and walks up to her. She
doesn’t say anything to him.
ELLIOT
Hey, I’m Elliot.
45.

Marlene shoots him an odd look.
MARLENE
Fucking weirdo.
(off his confused look)
When are you gonna give us the
password?
ELLIOT
What?
MARLENE
Don’t fuck with me, I wrote that
rootkit. I still have to run the IP
trace back to Colby’s laptop.
(off his confused look)
You really don’t know what I’m
talking about?

Marlene shakes her head with disgust and flicks her cigarette.
MARLENE (CONT’D)
Dickhead.
She gets up and walks towards the back, leaving Elliot
perplexed. Mr. Robot enters from the street, through the gate,
holding a grocery bag full of goodies.
MR. ROBOT
Elliot! I scored the last batch of
twinkies at Gristedes. Want one?
ELLIOT
She just called me a dickhead.
MR. ROBOT
(smiles)
Yeah, that’s Marlene.
(gestures toward the
Ferris wheel)
Hey, you like Ferris wheels?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot returns to the fsociety arcade and meets Marlene, who insults him for not knowing the password. Mr. Robot arrives with Twinkies and they discuss Ferris wheels.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing new characters
Weaknesses
  • Plot does not progress significantly

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces new characters and builds tension with Marlene's insults and Mr. Robot's mysterious invitation. However, the plot does not progress significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a group of hackers trying to take down a corporation is intriguing and well-executed, but not particularly innovative.

Plot: 6

The plot does not move forward significantly in this scene, but it does introduce new characters and build tension.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar, the dialogue and interactions between the characters feel fresh and authentic. The actions and dialogue of the characters are believable and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Marlene and Mr. Robot are both intriguing and well-defined characters, with distinct personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 5

There is not much character change in this scene, although Elliot may be slightly more intrigued by fsociety and Mr. Robot.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what Marlene is talking about and why she called him a dickhead. This reflects Elliot's desire for knowledge and his need to be accepted by the fsociety group.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to interact with Marlene and potentially gain access to the password for the rootkit. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of gaining Marlene's trust and cooperation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is tension between Elliot and Marlene, and Mr. Robot's mysterious invitation adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. Marlene's dismissive and confrontational attitude creates a small obstacle for Elliot, but the audience is unsure of how it will be resolved.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are not particularly high in this scene, although the mysterious invitation from Mr. Robot adds some intrigue.

Story Forward: 6

The plot does not move forward significantly in this scene, but it does introduce new characters and build tension.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because Marlene's behavior and dialogue are unexpected, leaving the audience unsure of her intentions and the direction of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

There is not much emotional impact in this scene, although Marlene's insults may elicit some sympathy for Elliot.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and sarcastic, particularly Marlene's insults and Mr. Robot's quips about Twinkies and Ferris wheels.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and mystery through Marlene's cryptic dialogue and Elliot's confusion. The audience is left wanting to know more about the rootkit and the dynamics between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and wanting to know more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and sets up potential future developments.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict. Marlene's demand for the password feels forced and out of place.
  • The dialogue between Marlene and Elliot feels stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions to engage the audience.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is confusing and lacks direction.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in a meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the scene to give it a clear purpose or conflict that advances the plot or character development.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add significant visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Clarify the emotional tone of the scene and make sure it aligns with the overall tone of the story.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it does not serve a clear purpose in the story.



Scene 13 -  The Revolution Begins
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - FERRIS WHEEL - DAY
Elliot and Mr. Robot stand in a slow-moving, empty Ferris
wheel car as it does its circular motion up. Mr. Robot looks
down at the sparse crowd with a grin, eating a twinkie.

ELLIOT
I’m here to tell you that I’m turning
you in. I’m giving them the IP and
mac address, plus the logs--

MR. ROBOT
Let me tell you why you’re really
here.
46.


Confused, Elliot says nothing.

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
You’re here because you sense
something wrong with the world.
Something you can’t explain, but you
know it controls you and everyone you
care about. It turns them into
slaves. And that angers you.

ELLIOT
What are you talking about?
MR. ROBOT
Money. Money hasn’t been real ever
since we got off the gold standard.
(turns to Elliot)
It’s become virtual. Software. The
operating system of our world. And
the rules are simple: those who have
less of it are forever subjugated to
those who have more of it.
ELLIOT
Money? Is that what you and your
little family back there do? Steal
money?

MR. ROBOT
(offended)
This isn’t the mafia. We’re not a
family. Family members trust each
other, and that’s what usually fucks
them. This isn’t about trust, it’s
about freedom.
ELLIOT
Any of those guys back there can call
the cops on you anytime. Fuck, they
can call the cops on me.
MR. ROBOT
They’d do that whether I trusted them
or not. They’re selfish, just like
everyone else. They’re gonna always
do what’s in their best interest, and
as long as I know that, everyone’s on
the level. Right now, it would be in
no one’s interest to call the cops.
Not when we’re this close.
ELLIOT
Close? To what?
Mr. Robot’s smile returns.
47.

MR. ROBOT
Well, Elliot, we’re on the verge of
taking down this virtual reality.
(gestures outside)
The one out there.
ELLIOT
(long stare)
Are you crazy? Is that what this is?
Are you some crazy rich man that’s on
mescaline or something--

MR. ROBOT
It’s pure economics. What if you took
down one conglomerate-- a
conglomerate so deeply entrenched in
the world economy, that too big to
fail doesn’t even come close to
describing it.

ELLIOT
(skeptical)
Doesn’t exist. They’d find some way
around it, they always do--

MR. ROBOT
We’ve run the simulations. Even in
the best case scenarios, this
conglomerate’s collapse couldn’t be
saved.
(eats another twinkie)
And if this conglomerate goes down,
well...it’d be a domino effect. Every
crony partner company dependent on
them would fall shortly after. Their
bought governments after that. In
eight months, their entire empire
would be erased from history.
ELLIOT
You want to create another financial
meltdown? Like the one we just had,
but way worse? Why would I want that?
Everyone would lose their money--

MR. ROBOT
What if I were to say that this same
conglomerate also happens to own
seventy percent of the global
consumer credit industry? That if we
hit their data centers right, we
could systematically format all the
servers, including backup--

ELLIOT
That would erase--
48.


MR. ROBOT
All the debt we owe them. Every
record of every credit card, loan and
mortgage-- wiped clean. Without a
single digital trace, it’d be
impossible to reinforce outdated
paper records. It’ll be gone-- the
biggest single instance of wealth
redistribution in history.

Elliot realizes what he’s talking about. To underline this, he
sees an Evil Corp logo proudly displayed on top of a building
in the horizon.
ELLIOT
The conglomerate. This is about Evil
Corp.
(off his look)
That’s why you picked me. Because I
work at AllSafe.

Mr. Robot hands him a slip of paper with an IP address.

MR. ROBOT
Tomorrow, AllSafe is going to get a
visit from the FBI and the US Cyber
Command. Put this IP trace on the
rootkit with the diagnostics you give
them. Trenton found Colby’s encrypted
laptop address from Facebook.

ELLIOT
You wanna frame Terry Colby for the
hack? No one’s gonna believe that. I
met him, he’s a moron.
MR. ROBOT
So are the FBI. Even if they don’t
believe he did it, they’ll believe he
gave someone access to it.
ELLIOT
But, he’ll just go to jail. What will
that do?
MR. ROBOT
You don’t take down a conglomerate by
shooting them once in the heart.
That’s the thing about conglomerates,
they don’t have hearts. You take them
down, limb by limb. And once they
unravel...
(gestures out to the
people)
Their illusion of control goes with
it.
49.

Elliot takes a hard look at Mr. Robot, questioning his
seemingly altruistic motives.
ELLIOT
Who are you?
Mr. Robot lights a cigarette.
MR. ROBOT
That’ll all come later. You have a
lot to think about it. You have to
turn in that report tomorrow, and
Colby’s IP trace has to be in it. You
do that, and you will have set in
motion the biggest revolution the
world will ever see.

Elliot’s look of doubt is all but whittled away.

ELLIOT
What if I get caught?

MR. ROBOT
If you can get caught, then you're
not good enough to do this.

ELLIOT
(challenged but confident)
What makes you think I would do this
anyway? What makes you think I give a
shit about Evil Corp?

Mr. Robot nods, fair question. He lifts himself up on the old *
Ferris wheel car, as it squeaks loudly. He stands on the edge, *
holding onto the sides as it swings high above. *

ELLIOT (CONT’D) *
What are you doing-- *

MR. ROBOT *
I know you feel pain, Elliot. I know *
you feel loneliness. We all do. It’s *
not our fault. We want the pain to *
stop. Not the bullshit pain people *
cry about on blogs, but real pain-- *

Mr. Robot lets go of one of the sides as he looks down below *
at the hard pavement. The OPERATOR down below sees Mr. Robot. *

OPERATOR *
Hey! What are you doing? Are you *
crazy?! *

MR. ROBOT *
GO FUCK YOURSELF! *
50.


OPERATOR *
ASSHOLE! *

Mr. Robot closes his eyes as he ponders jumping. He’s *
immediately filled with emotion. *

MR. ROBOT *
I’m so fucking tired of our only *
options being to put our heads down *
or get knocked the fuck down-- *

Mr. Robot tears up from the deep sadness. He turns to face *
Elliot, letting go of both sides, balancing himself with only *
his legs as the old car swings. A small crowd has now formed *
below to watch the impending jumper. *

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D) *
I want my head up! I want to see the *
world for the first time, not through *
their eyes, not what they allow me to *
see, but what I want to see-- *

The Ferris wheel starts its decline as the infuriated operator *
hurriedly tries to bring it back. Mr. Robot’s balance wavers *
as the car moves. He slips and almost falls back-- *

The crowd gasps as they point-- *

Mr. Robot reaches for the side of the car but can’t grab it-- *

Elliot leaps forward and grabs Mr. Robot’s hand. Mr. Robot *
holds his hand. It’s a rare moment of human contact for *
Elliot, and it’s powerful. Mr. Robot climbs back into the car *
with a smile. *

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
I know you know what I’m talking
about. It’s the part of you that
didn’t delete the rootkit. It’s that
part of you that told you to come
back here. It’s that part of you that
hates Evil Corp for killing your
father.
Elliot is speechless.

MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
Put that fucking IP trace in the
diagnostic tomorrow.
The ride finally finishes. Their carriage returns.
MR. ROBOT (CONT’D)
(eats another twinkie)
Looks like our ride is over.
51.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot is confronted by Mr. Robot at an abandoned arcade in Coney Island. Mr. Robot reveals his plan to take down Evil Corp, a conglomerate deeply entrenched in the world economy. He explains that by erasing all the debt owed to Evil Corp, they can create the biggest instance of wealth redistribution in history. Elliot is skeptical at first but is eventually convinced to join the revolution.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Revealing character motivations
  • Thought-provoking themes
Weaknesses
  • Some exposition-heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and thought-provoking, setting up the climax of the story and revealing the true motives of Mr. Robot. The dialogue is well-written and the tension between Elliot and Mr. Robot is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of taking down a powerful conglomerate and redistributing wealth is intriguing and relevant. It raises questions about the nature of money and control in society.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Mr. Robot's plan to frame Terry Colby for the hack and erase all the debt owed to Evil Corp. It moves the story forward and sets up the conflict between Elliot and Evil Corp.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of the protagonist's internal struggles and the philosophical conflict surrounding the use of power. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions of the characters are unexpected and thought-provoking.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Elliot and Mr. Robot are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Their dynamic and conflicting ideologies create tension and drive the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Elliot undergoes a significant change in this scene as he is convinced to join Mr. Robot's revolution. His perspective on Evil Corp and his role in the world is challenged.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the motivations and intentions of Mr. Robot. This reflects Elliot's deeper need for connection and understanding, as well as his fear of being manipulated or used for someone else's agenda.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to decide whether or not to follow Mr. Robot's plan to take down Evil Corp. This reflects the immediate challenge of making a risky decision that could have significant consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Elliot and Mr. Robot is intense and drives the scene. There is also a conflict between the characters and Evil Corp, as well as the internal conflict within Elliot.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Elliot and Mr. Robot have conflicting goals and beliefs. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and what decisions the characters will make.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters plan to take down a powerful conglomerate and potentially change the world. The consequences of their actions are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Mr. Robot's plan and setting up the conflict between Elliot and Evil Corp. It establishes the stakes and the direction of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the conversation between Elliot and Mr. Robot. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what decisions the characters will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of whether it is justified to use illegal and potentially harmful means to achieve a greater good. This challenges Elliot's beliefs about morality and the use of power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from skepticism and doubt to hope and intrigue. The emotional impact is heightened by the intense dialogue and the revelation of Mr. Robot's plan.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the philosophical beliefs of Mr. Robot and challenging Elliot's perspective. It effectively conveys the stakes and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes conflict and raises intriguing questions about power, morality, and rebellion. The dialogue is sharp and the emotional moments are impactful.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions. It is well-organized and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Elliot confronting Mr. Robot about turning him in and giving away the IP and mac address. However, this conflict is quickly overshadowed by Mr. Robot's monologue about the control of money and his plan to take down Evil Corp. This shift in focus feels abrupt and takes away from the initial conflict.
  • The dialogue between Elliot and Mr. Robot is heavy on exposition and lacks subtlety. The characters explicitly state their motivations and intentions, which can come across as unnatural and forced.
  • The scene relies heavily on Mr. Robot's monologue to explain the plan and its potential consequences. While the information is important, it could be delivered in a more engaging and dynamic way.
  • The visual element of Mr. Robot standing on the edge of the Ferris wheel car and contemplating jumping adds a dramatic touch, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene. It could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is intense and thought-provoking, but it could benefit from more nuance and subtlety. The characters' emotions and conflicts could be explored in a more layered and complex manner.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to maintain the initial conflict between Elliot and Mr. Robot throughout. This will create a more cohesive and focused narrative.
  • Find ways to deliver the exposition and information about the plan in a more organic and engaging manner. This could involve incorporating visual elements, actions, or interactions between the characters.
  • Explore different ways to convey the emotional tone of the scene, such as through subtext, non-verbal cues, or conflicting emotions within the characters.
  • Integrate the visual element of Mr. Robot standing on the edge of the Ferris wheel car more seamlessly into the scene, ensuring it serves a clear purpose and enhances the overall narrative.
  • Consider adding more complexity and depth to the characters' emotions and conflicts, allowing for more nuanced and realistic portrayals.



Scene 14 -  The Revelation
INT. CONEY ISLAND STREETS - LATER

Elliot walks fast as a small smile begins to grow on his face.
He listens to Neil Diamond’s “If You Go Away.” He stops short
to see a billboard of a college student with a sad face. The
copy reads: “How am I ever going to pay back my student
loans?” Underneath: EVIL CORP

NEIL DIAMOND
If you go away on this summer day

INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - NIGHT

Elliot can’t contain the flurry of emotions pulsing through
his entire body. The intercom is in the midst of playing a
commercial:

SUBWAY INTERCOM
--just log on to www.evilcorp.com to
purchase now...
(repeating)
Hello! Wanna save on your health
insurance premiums? At Evil Corp, we
not only laugh at you for thinking
that, but we charge you more for
it...

Sensing Elliot’s excitement, a CHILD smiles at him. Touched,
Elliot smiles back. The MOM, noticing the exchange, shoots a
friendly look at Elliot.

NEIL DIAMOND
Then you might as well take the sun
away
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT

Elliot types away on his computer, we see text as he’s
skipping around. HuffPost - Mortgage lenders now have more
equity in U.S. homes than Americans. BBC - The global gap
between rich and poor is at its highest level for 20 years and
growing. NY TIMES - Debt Slavery, The New American Dream.

He pulls up another browser window and logs into Citibank’s
site. We see that the account belongs to Angela. He clicks
through her statements and lands on her private Evil Corp
student loans. She owes $197,455.64.

Elliot looks over at Mr. Robot’s slip of paper next to him. He
opens a new command-line and begins typing up the report.

MOMENTS LATER
The final pages of the new diagnostic report prints out. He
places the report in a red manila envelope.
52.


MOMENTS LATER
Faintly smiling, Elliot sleeps soundly in his bed. The E logo
of Elliot’s Evil Corp desktop pulses in sleep mode, casting a
shadow on Elliot periodically.

NEIL DIAMOND
If you go away, as I know you must

INT. NYC SUBWAY - PLATFORM - LATER

As Elliot waits for the subway, he stares at a poster for a
blockbuster movie called VILLAINS, the tagline reads: Evil
Always Wins.

NEIL DIAMOND
There'll be nothing left in this
world to trust

The MEN IN BLACK on the platform sneak Elliot looks. Elliot’s
excitement from the night before starts a slow descent.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - NEXT MORNING
WORKERS file in for another day, but the mood is somber. Terry
Colby and his Evil Corp executives are crowded in the
conference room. FBI Agents are also walking in and out.
Gideon looks stressed. The air is thick with tension. Colby
wants someone’s head on a platter.

Angela walks in with a worried look. Ali walks in, sharing the
same look of dread as everyone else.

NEIL DIAMOND
Just an empty room, full of empty
space

Elliot nervously walks in, eyeing his blue and red manila
envelopes. The smile from the night before is now but a
distant memory.

NEIL DIAMOND (CONT’D)
Like the empty look, I see on your
face...

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

Gideon, AllSafe account executives, FBI, Evil Corp execs,
Tyrell and Terry Colby himself surround the expansive table.
The red manila envelope sits in front of Elliot. He’s sweating
profusely as he swaps the red back into his bag for the blue. *
He shakes his head in disappointment. *

Tyrell Wellick notes the folder swap.
53.


NEIL DIAMOND
The good's gone from goodbye, if you
go away, if you go away, if you go
away....
TERRY COLBY
So, what do we got?
GIDEON
So, if you take a look at the first
page of the agenda--

Everyone flips over one page of their packet. Terry looks over
at Elliot. Elliot nervously looks back.
TERRY COLBY
You’re the one we sent to Virginia?
(off Elliot’s nervous nod)
Great work. The gals in analysis said
this was a tough one. All things
being equal, that should have shut us
down for days. So, you did good.

ELLIOT
(uncomfortable)
Okay.

Gideon tries to move on.

GIDEON
We should start with our account
executive, Angela, who handled the
initial alert. Elliot comes in later.
Angela awkwardly waves. Terry isn’t impressed.
TERRY COLBY
Okay then. What do we have, Angela?
Walk us through this thing.
ANGELA
We first noticed the breach at 2:07
A.M. Eastern Standard on Friday night-
TERRY COLBY
You mean, Saturday?
ANGELA
Sorry, yes, Saturday. Technically,
Saturday morning.
TERRY COLBY
(condescending)
Yeah, Angela, that’s what we’re here
for. The technicals.

Noting the condescension, Angela hides her anger.
54.

ANGELA
Right, I’m sorry. Anyway, he arrived
at the office at 2:35--
TERRY COLBY
So, almost a half hour after the
initial breach? Why didn’t anyone
pipe in from their laptops?
ANGELA
It’s not protocol--
ELLIOT
It wouldn’t have been secure if
someone terminaled in on this. It
would have put the servers at more
risk. It was the smarter move to have
someone come in so they can login on
a secure line.

ANGELA
(annoyed)
Exactly. Then Lloyd was able to--
TERRY COLBY
Actually, one sec, hon.
Terry gestures to Gideon. Gideon leans in and Terry whispers
something in his ear. From the look on Gideon’s face, it’s not
good. Angela looks like she’s gonna flip out.
After the brief exchange, Gideon walks over to Angela and
relays the message. Angela angrily collects her papers and
walks out of the conference room.
TERRY COLBY (CONT’D)
(to Elliot)
Let’s pick it up where you left off.
ELLIOT
What happened to Angela? She was the
account exec on this--
TERRY COLBY
She’s not gonna work out for us. Not
on this level. We wanna stick to the
more tech savvy here. Now, let’s get
right to the heart of this thing,
because I can’t sit here and read a
packet for the next twenty minutes.
Who did this? Were you guys able to
find that out or not?
Elliot’s eyes shift back and forth between the embarrassed
Angela who is walking down the hallway, the red manila
envelope still in his bag and Terry Colby’s curious look.
Elliot instantly gains courage. He swaps the blue manila for
the red.
55.

ELLIOT
I have all the diagnostics right
here. We were able to track down the
IP address, including the traceroute.
Timestamped and everything. I will
also provide an encrypted PDF
version.
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - ELLIOT’S CUBICLE - LATER
Elliot nervously watches from his cubicle as the FBI, Colby
and the rest of the execs examine the diagnostics.
His eyes wander to the head of the office to glimpse Angela
talking to Gideon. Gideon hugs her as she walks out the door.
Gideon walks over to Elliot and Lloyd’s cubicle.
ELLIOT
Is she gonna be okay?
GIDEON
Yeah, I told her to take the rest of
the day off. I’m gonna move her off
the Evil Corp account. I’m gonna
assign Ali to you guys.

Elliot eyes Ali across the way. Elliot sinks in his seat and
shakes off the disturbing thought. His eyes shift back to the
FBI and Colby. He looks at you with concern. *
*
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - MORNING
Elliot hasn’t slept and it shows. He quickly checks his phone.
Google alerts: 0. He busts out his laptop and quickly searches
around news blogs and hacker boards. His face falls.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Nineteen days... no news, no arrests, *
no revolution.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot, after discovering the fsociety project and Mr. Robot's plan to take down Evil Corp, returns to work at AllSafe. He presents the diagnostic report to Terry Colby and the FBI, impressing them with his findings. However, Angela is removed from the account due to her lack of technical expertise. Elliot's excitement is dampened by the lack of progress in the revolution. He continues to search for news and updates.
Strengths "Engaging dialogue, plot progression, and introduction of the diagnostic report."
Weaknesses "Lack of emotional impact and character development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the growing stakes and tension in the story, as well as Elliot's internal conflict. The dialogue is engaging and the plot moves forward with the presentation of the diagnostic report. However, the scene could benefit from more emotional impact and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of taking down a powerful conglomerate and redistributing wealth is intriguing and relevant. The scene effectively introduces and develops this concept through Elliot's interactions with Mr. Robot and the presentation of the diagnostic report.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward with the presentation of the diagnostic report and the removal of Angela from the account. It effectively sets up future conflicts and developments in the story. However, the lack of progress in the revolution dampens the overall rating.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a protagonist fighting against a corrupt corporation is not entirely unique, the specific details and situations presented in this scene, such as the use of billboards and posters to reflect the influence of Evil Corp, add a fresh approach to the familiar theme. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' interactions and conflicts are engaging, particularly between Elliot and Angela. However, there is room for further development and exploration of the characters' motivations and emotions.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene, with Elliot gaining courage and swapping the red envelope. However, there is room for further exploration of character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover and expose the corruption and control of Evil Corp. This reflects his deeper desire for justice and his fear of the power that Evil Corp holds over society.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to present a diagnostic report to the executives at AllSafe. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his job and his desire to prove himself as a valuable asset to the company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, particularly between Elliot and Angela, as well as the tension surrounding the diagnostic report. However, the lack of progress in the revolution reduces the overall conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from Evil Corp, the FBI, and his own colleagues. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, as the success of the revolution and the consequences for Elliot and the other characters are at stake. However, the lack of progress in the revolution reduces the overall stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the diagnostic report and the removal of Angela from the account. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges and developments, such as the protagonist's colleague being removed from the Evil Corp account and the protagonist's decision to swap the red and blue envelopes. These elements keep the audience guessing about the direction of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and his desire to expose Evil Corp, and the corrupt power and control that Evil Corp holds over society. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene lacks a strong emotional impact, as the focus is more on the plot and technical aspects. However, there are moments of concern and disappointment that evoke some emotional response.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and dynamics between the characters. It also provides important information about the plot and the revolution.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a combination of internal and external conflicts, creates tension and anticipation through the protagonist's actions and dialogue, and introduces new challenges and developments in the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and anticipation with moments of introspection and reflection. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is well-organized and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively transitions between different locations and time periods to advance the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for Elliot. It is unclear why he is walking through the slums of Coney Island and meeting Marlene outside the fsociety arcade.
  • The dialogue between Marlene and Elliot feels forced and unnatural. Marlene demanding the password without any context or explanation feels out of place.
  • The introduction of Mr. Robot with a grocery bag and offering Elliot a Twinkie seems random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is not effectively conveyed. It is described as tense and confusing, but the dialogue and actions do not support this.
  • There are no significant visual elements or actions in the scene, which makes it feel static and uninteresting.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Mr. Robot offering Elliot a Twinkie, leaving the reader with no sense of resolution or purpose.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective or goal of the scene. Why is Elliot walking through the slums of Coney Island and meeting Marlene? What is he hoping to achieve?
  • Provide more context and explanation for Marlene demanding the password. Why does she need it? What is the significance of this password?
  • Integrate Mr. Robot's entrance and the Twinkie offer more seamlessly into the scene. Connect it to the overall narrative and make it feel purposeful.
  • Revise the dialogue to better convey the tense and confusing emotional tone. Use more evocative language and create a sense of mystery or suspense.
  • Add visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging. Show Elliot's surroundings and use visual cues to enhance the atmosphere.
  • Give the scene a clearer resolution or sense of purpose. End it on a note that leaves the reader with a better understanding of Elliot's journey or the overall story.



Scene 15 -  Revelations and Confrontations
INT. NYC SUBWAY (MOVING) - DAY
Elliot looks around for Mr. Robot.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
No Mr. Robot on the subway.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - DAY
Elliot walks by the fsociety arcade, but it’s abandoned. No
wires, no hackers, no Mr. Robot.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
No signs of anyone at the arcade.
56.

INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - DAY
Elliot walks in, he sees Angela ahead of him. She’s dyed her
hair jet black. He tries to catch up and say hi, but she gives
him the cold shoulder.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
(eyes the empty conference
room)
No FBI, Colby, Evil Corp. Maybe Mr. *
Robot was wrong after all. *
INT. ALLSAFE OFFICES - CUBICLE - LATER
Bored, Elliot stares at his computer screen. A banner ad for
the movie VILLAINS flashes on a website.

EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY *
Elliot walks down the street on his cell.
ELLIOT
Hi, this is Sam from Wells Fargo
security fraud department.
Unfortunately, we have to inform you
that your account has been
compromised.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
What? Really? What happened?
ELLIOT
First, before I can continue, I need
to verify some information. Are you
still at 350 Hawthorne Avenue?
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Yes. Apartment 2C.
ELLIOT
Great. And the last four of your
social security?
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Umm...6457.
ELLIOT
Mother’s maiden.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Faben.
ELLIOT
And your security question...
A painful pause on the phone.
57.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
I always stretch for this one.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
Oh, um, I think, dog’s name. Flipper.
Wasn’t it that?

INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot sits in front of his rundown, stickered up Evil Corp
desktop as a command line program runs password checks with
the keywords Elliot has inputted.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
With those details plus a dictionary *
hack, it’ll take my program maybe two *
minutes to crack his password. *
While he waits, Elliot goes on Facebook and looks up Angela.
He scans through the pictures of her and Ali. Christmas
vacations, Halloween, beach parties, barbecues, etc.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
What I wouldn’t give to be normal. To
live in that bubble, the reality of
the naive.
He switches Facebook accounts to Krista, his therapist. More
happy pictures of families, vacations, friends.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
That’s how I justify this. To keep
their optimism intact. To protect
them.
His password program BEEPS. He switches screens hurriedly and
discovers the program didn’t come up with a single match.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
How? He’s too old to have a
complicated password. It had to have
been a combination of these things.
Elliot puts his head down and thinks.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
I’m missing something. I’m missing
something. I’m missing something.
He closes his eyes. He slouches as he rocks back and forth in
his chair. His leg twitches rapidly as he mumbles thoughts to
himself. Finally, he looks up at his screen.

ELLIOT (V.O.) *
His phone number. *
He quickly goes on Google and does a reverse look-up on
Michael’s phone number.
58.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Michael Hansen isn’t his real name.

Elliot sits back, disappointed.
EXT. 350 HAWTHORNE AVENUE - NIGHT
Michael walks down his street carrying a screaming baby. His
WIFE walks next to him. They exchange words before she heads
into the corner convenience store and he walks towards their
apartment building, baby in arms. Elliot sits on his stoop, in
his hoodie, smoking a cigarette, waiting for him.
Elliot’s silhouette takes Michael by surprise.
ELLIOT
You’re gonna stop seeing Krista.
The sound of her name immediately makes Michael’s eyes grow
wide. Elliot stands and faces him. The baby cries.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
You’re gonna break up with her
tonight and you’re never going to see
her again.
MICHAEL
(recognizing him)
You’re the guy that used my phone--
ELLIOT
You cheated on your current wife with
seven different women and I have
digital proof of all of this.
Stunned, Michael remains still. His wife stands in line at the
checkout.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Ashley Madison, online escorts, fake
Facebook pages. I have it all. And if
you don’t break up with Krista
tonight, your wife will know
everything along with the police.
MICHAEL
The police?
ELLIOT
Two of the escorts were fifteen.
Michael puts his head down with a wince. The baby screams
louder.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
That part I made up. But he did have
a proclivity for young escorts that
helped the lie.
59.

ELLIOT
But I’m not going to do any of that
as long as you break up with Krista.
Tonight.
Michael looks up at him, now out of fear. His wife is putting
away her wallet and is about to walk out.
MICHAEL
Done. I’ll breakup with her--
ELLIOT
You’re also gonna tell her the truth.
That you’re married. That you cheat
on your wife. That you hire
prostitutes. That you never had any
intention of being serious with her.
MICHAEL
Why? That would destroy her.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
Exactly. Krista needs to avoid
dickheads like you in the future. Her
radar needs fixing.
ELLIOT
I’ll know if you skip a detail. So
don’t, or the emails go beaming out.
Michael nods quickly as his wife exits the store.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Oh, and one last thing. Need you to
go upstairs and get something for me.
INT. ELLIOT’S LOFT - NIGHT
Elliot brings Michael’s dog, Flipper, home-- much to the
chagrin of Qwerty.
ELLIOT
Come on, Qwerty, he’s nice.
Qwerty isn’t happy, her back raised as she scurries to the top
of the kitchen counters.
Elliot gives the dog some water. He laps it up happily.
ELLIOT (CONT’D)
Good boy.

MOMENTS LATER

Elliot is on his computer burning a CD. The folder he’s
copying is called MICHAEL HANSEN FILES. Once the burn is
complete, he pulls out a sharpie and labels it PINK FLOYD -
WISH YOU WERE HERE.
60.


He grabs a large CD Case from underneath his bed and flips it
open. Several other CDs labeled everything from the BEATLES to
ZEPPELIN are in there. He files the newly fake-labeled CD and
sends the envelope back under his bed.
He jumps back on his computer and deletes the Michael Hansen
folder. With a small hope in his eyes, he checks his browser
for news alerts again. Nothing. He goes to bed.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY
Elliot sits in his usual chair. He looks at Krista, who looks
disheveled and completely out of it.
ELLIOT
Krista?
(off her look)
Are you okay?
KRISTA
(clears her throat)
Sorry. I’m fine. Go on.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
The look of disillusionment. He told
her. She cried all night. Now comes
the sadness. I don’t like seeing her *
sad.
ELLIOT
I think Angela blames me for what
happened with the Evil Corp meeting.
What do I do? I need to talk to her.
KRISTA
I think you just answered your own
question.
(off his look)
Talk to her.
ELLIOT
But she won’t respond to any of my
texts or emails--
KRISTA
Go to her apartment, knock on her
door and tell her you need to talk.
(pointed)
Communication is key, Elliot. Real
human interaction. That’s what’s
important for you right now.

Elliot takes in the ground-breaking idea.
EXT. ANGELA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
He knocks, then nervously waits for Angela to open the door.
61.

She does. It’s clear by the look on her face she’s as shocked
as he is that he’s there.

After a hesitation, Angela lets him in.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot discovers that Michael Hansen, whom he previously blackmailed, is not his real name. He confronts Michael and coerces him to break up with Krista, his therapist, and reveal the truth about his infidelity. Elliot also realizes that his program failed to crack Michael's password, leaving him frustrated. Meanwhile, Elliot seeks solace in observing the seemingly normal lives of others on social media.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing character motivations
  • Exploring moral ambiguity
Weaknesses
  • Limited development of the hacking aspect

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals important information about the characters. The dialogue is engaging, and the emotional impact is significant.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of blackmail and the exploration of Elliot's ethical dilemmas are intriguing. However, the scene could benefit from further development of the hacking aspect.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as Elliot uncovers Michael's true identity and confronts him. The scene also sets up potential conflicts and consequences for future events.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to the protagonist's internal struggle and the use of technology as a plot device. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations and actions are well-defined, particularly Elliot's morally ambiguous nature and Michael's desperation. Angela's emotional distance adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot experiences a shift in his perception of normalcy and the consequences of his actions. Michael undergoes a significant change as he is forced to confront his infidelity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Mr. Robot and understand the current state of affairs with fsociety and the arcade. This reflects Elliot's deeper need for control and understanding in his life, as well as his fear of being left in the dark or being deceived.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Michael and potentially use it to manipulate him into breaking up with Krista. This reflects the immediate challenge of needing to protect Krista and prevent her from being hurt by Michael's actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from Elliot's blackmail of Michael and the potential consequences of his actions. The scene also hints at conflicts within Elliot's relationships.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Elliot confronts Michael and manipulates him into breaking up with Krista. The audience is unsure of how Michael will react and whether Elliot's plan will succeed.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for both Elliot and Michael, as their actions could have significant personal and legal consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene reveals important information about Michael's true identity and sets up potential conflicts and consequences for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as Elliot discovering Michael's true identity and confronting him about his actions. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Elliot's desire for control and his moral dilemma of manipulating Michael to protect Krista. This challenges Elliot's beliefs about the ethics of his actions and the potential consequences of his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a sense of sadness and empathy for Krista, as well as tension and anticipation for the consequences of Elliot's actions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, manipulation, and vulnerability. It reveals important information about the characters' past actions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a series of intriguing events and conflicts that keep the audience invested in the story. The use of suspense and mystery, as well as the emotional stakes for the characters, create a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the scene, with its alternating moments of suspense and introspection, keeps the story moving forward and creates a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The use of italics for voiceover narration and the clear distinction between different settings enhance the readability and clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The pacing and progression of the scene effectively build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for the characters. It's not clear what Elliot is trying to achieve by searching for Mr. Robot or why he is disappointed when he doesn't find him.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially in the phone conversation between Elliot and Michael. The conversation lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and actions that could enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is inconsistent. It starts off tense and mysterious, but then transitions to a more mundane and disconnected tone.
  • The conflict between Elliot and Angela is not fully explored or resolved in this scene, leaving the audience with unanswered questions.
  • The scene lacks a clear narrative arc and doesn't contribute significantly to the overall story or character development.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objectives of the characters in this scene. What is Elliot trying to achieve by searching for Mr. Robot? What is Angela's emotional state and how does it affect her interactions with Elliot?
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing of the characters' personalities and motivations. Add subtext and depth to the conversation between Elliot and Michael.
  • Introduce visual elements and actions that enhance the storytelling and engage the audience. Consider using symbolism or visual metaphors to convey the characters' emotions and conflicts.
  • Maintain a consistent emotional tone throughout the scene. Consider how the tension and mystery can be sustained or resolved in a satisfying way.
  • Explore and resolve the conflict between Elliot and Angela in this scene. Give the audience a sense of closure or progression in their relationship.
  • Ensure that the scene has a clear narrative purpose and contributes meaningfully to the overall story or character development. Cut any unnecessary or redundant elements.



Scene 16 -  Revelation and Confrontation
INT. ANGELA’S APARTMENT
Elliot looks around her apartment. It’s well kept, friendly
and warm. It’s the opposite of his place. CNBC plays muted on
the flatscreen hanging on the wall.
ANGELA
What’s going on?
ELLIOT
You won’t talk to me. You haven’t
talked to me since the Evil Corp
meeting--
ANGELA
I don’t want to talk to you, because
I feel embarrassed every time I think
about what happened. I’ll get over
it, it’s fine.
ELLIOT
It’s been three weeks--
ANGELA
You didn’t have to take care of me in
there. I know you were trying to
help, but just don’t do it again.
Even if I’m losing. Let me lose.
Okay?
(off his confused look)
Don’t look confused, just say okay.
Elliot nods. She puts her head down, disappointed in herself.
Though this is awkward for him, Elliot slowly hugs her.
ANGELA (CONT’D)
Elliot... I’m sorry...
A momentary hesitation as they eye each other. The moment
quickly feels like it could be a kiss. But then Elliot
realizes Angela’s eyes are looking behind him. He turns.

ON TV:
Terry Colby is arrested by FBI and taken into custody. A CNBC
banner reads:
BREAKING - CTO of Evil Corp, Terry Colby, has been arrested
for his alleged role in Evil’s high-profile hacking.
Elliot’s eyes go wide.
62.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
No fucking way.
Angela turns up the volume. *
ON TV:
TERRY COLBY
No comment, no comment, no comment.
NEWS REPORTER
FBI agents claim that Colby either
used hacking groups or worked in
conjunction with them to pressure
Evil Corp during his contract
negotiations. After a long and
exhaustive investigation, sources
close to the FBI have confirmed that
the hacks were in part tied to Terry
Colby’s personal laptop.
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY
Elliot walks down the street, no longer in a zombified,
shiftless state-- but with life and purpose.

He looks at his phone. News alert headlines read: EVIL CORP’S
STOCK DOWN ON NEWS OF CYBERCRIME.
ELLIOT (V.O.)
(incredulous)
It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s
happening. It’s happening.
Elliot stops in Times Square and looks at the TV’s around him
announcing news of the disastrous Evil Corp scandal.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Maybe I can change the system by
hating it!!

He stretches his arms out like he’s just won the gold--
A limo screeches to a halt in front of him. A MAN IN BLACK
jumps out and opens the door. Elliot’s smile is long gone.

MAN IN BLACK
Sir, step inside the car.

Other MEN IN BLACK stand behind Elliot. Sweating immediately,
Elliot even notices POLICE looking the other way.

MAN IN BLACK (CONT’D)
Sir. Get inside the vehicle. Now.

Helpless, Elliot slowly climbs in. The limo peels out. *
63.


INT. LIMO (MOVING) - DAY

Elliot sits across from two other MEN IN BLACK. An eerie
silence is the only sound that occupies the limo.
INT. SKY RISE - ELEVATOR (MOVING) - DAY
A nervous wreck, Elliot stands in the high speed elevator as
it quickly climbs several stories into the air.
The elevator DINGS when it reaches the top floor. The MAN IN
BLACK by the doors opens the digital latch with his phone. The
doors open and almost immediately we hear LOUD ARGUING.

MAN IN BLACK
Go ahead.

ELLIOT
(nervous)
Where are we?

MAN IN BLACK
Sir, go on in.

INT. TOP FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Elliot enters alone. He sees a number of MEN circle around a
grand conference table. We only see their silhouettes, as they
bicker and argue with one another.

Elliot’s silhouette now joins them, dead center in the mess of
black outlines.

Realizing that Elliot has shown up, their loud arguing hushes
into an abrupt silence. The dark shadows now face Elliot, who
remains catatonic.

What follows is the longest silence of Elliot’s life as he and
the dark faces exchange long, tense stares. No one speaks.

ELLIOT (V.O.)
Please tell me you’re seeing this
too...
Loud, violent jazz RISES again as we push into the darkness of
the menacing silhouettes, until the screen is filled with...
BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Elliot visits Angela's apartment to reconcile, but she expresses her embarrassment and asks him not to interfere in her life. They are interrupted by news of Terry Colby's arrest, signaling the beginning of the revolution. Elliot is filled with excitement and hope. However, his joy is short-lived as he is forcefully taken away by mysterious men in black. He is brought to a secret meeting where he confronts a group of powerful individuals. The scene ends with a tense silence as Elliot realizes the gravity of the situation.
Strengths
  • Building tension and anticipation
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation through the revelation of Terry Colby's arrest and Elliot's emotional journey. The introduction of the mysterious men in black adds intrigue and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a revolution against a powerful conglomerate is compelling and engaging. The scene effectively conveys the beginning of this revolution and the personal impact it has on Elliot.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene with the revelation of Terry Colby's arrest and Elliot's abduction. It sets up the next phase of the story and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to the protagonist's internal and external goals. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and true to their motivations, adding to the authenticity of the scene. The inclusion of the news report and the protagonist's reaction to it adds a unique twist to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene explores the complex relationship between Elliot and Angela, showcasing their emotional journey and growth. The introduction of the mysterious men in black adds depth to the overall character dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

Elliot experiences a significant change in this scene, transitioning from a state of apathy to one of purpose and determination. Angela also shows growth by expressing her vulnerability and setting boundaries.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with Angela and apologize for his actions. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding, as well as his fear of losing Angela's friendship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to understand the news of Terry Colby's arrest and the implications for Evil Corp. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his mission to take down Evil Corp.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, with Elliot and Angela's emotional tension, the revelation of Terry Colby's arrest, and Elliot's abduction by the mysterious men in black.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges both internally (his conflicting emotions towards Angela) and externally (the arrest of Terry Colby and his encounter with the men in black). The audience is unsure of how these obstacles will be resolved, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the revolution against Evil Corp begins, Elliot's personal safety is threatened, and the consequences of Terry Colby's arrest unfold. The scene sets up the dangerous and unpredictable nature of the conflict.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the revolution, escalating the conflict, and setting up the next phase of the plot. It leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a surprising twist with Terry Colby's arrest and the protagonist's unexpected encounter with the men in black. The audience is left wondering about the implications of these events and how they will affect the protagonist's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to change the system and his realization that he may become a part of it. This challenges his beliefs and values, as he struggles with the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Elliot and Angela's reconciliation attempt, Angela's vulnerability, and Elliot's excitement and subsequent abduction. It leaves the audience with a sense of anticipation and concern for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between Elliot and Angela. However, the scene is more focused on visual storytelling and the silence during the confrontation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines emotional moments between the characters with a suspenseful plot development. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and anticipation, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and suspense. The quick cuts between different locations and the use of silence create a sense of urgency and anticipation. The scene moves at a brisk pace, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation. The dialogue is formatted correctly, and the scene direction is clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines. The pacing and progression of the scene are well-executed, leading to a climactic moment and setting up the next narrative arc.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear setting description of Angela's apartment, which helps to establish the contrast between her space and Elliot's. However, there is a missed opportunity to further explore the visual elements of the apartment and how it reflects Angela's character.
  • The dialogue between Angela and Elliot feels somewhat stilted and lacks natural flow. The conversation jumps from topic to topic without a clear progression, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the emotional dynamics between the characters.
  • The moment when Angela's eyes look behind Elliot and he turns to see Terry Colby's arrest on TV is a powerful visual moment. However, the impact of this moment is somewhat diminished by the lack of description of Elliot's reaction. It would be helpful to include more details about his facial expression and body language to convey his shock and disbelief.
  • The transition from Angela's apartment to the New York streets is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer indication of the change in location.
  • The inner monologue of Elliot expressing his disbelief and excitement about the events unfolding is effective in conveying his emotional state. However, the repetition of the phrase 'It's happening' feels slightly redundant and could be condensed or rephrased for greater impact.
  • The introduction of the Men in Black and their abduction of Elliot adds a new layer of tension and intrigue to the scene. However, the dialogue and actions of the Men in Black could be further developed to enhance their mysterious and threatening presence.
  • The final scene in the high-rise building with the dark faces is intriguing and leaves the audience with a sense of anticipation. However, the description of the scene could be expanded to provide more sensory details and create a stronger atmosphere of suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual details to Angela's apartment to enhance the contrast between her space and Elliot's.
  • Work on improving the flow and naturalness of the dialogue between Angela and Elliot, ensuring that the conversation progresses in a logical and organic manner.
  • Provide more description of Elliot's reaction to Terry Colby's arrest on TV to convey his shock and disbelief.
  • Smooth out the transition between Angela's apartment and the New York streets to create a more seamless shift in location.
  • Condense or rephrase Elliot's inner monologue about the events unfolding to avoid redundancy and increase impact.
  • Further develop the dialogue and actions of the Men in Black to enhance their mysterious and threatening presence.
  • Expand the description of the scene in the high-rise building to create a stronger atmosphere of suspense and anticipation.