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Scene 1 -  Opening Scene
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
THE USUAL SUSPECTS

by

Christopher McQuarrie




FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY




Revised, 05/25/94
White Revised, 06/01/94
Blue Revised, 06/07/94
Pink Revised, 06/11/94




Converted to PDF by ScreenTalk™ Online
http://www.screentalk.org
1 BLACK 1

The lonely sound of a buoy bell in the distance. Water
slapping against a smooth, flat surface in rhythm. The
creaking of wood.

Off in the very far distance, one can make out the sound of
sirens.

SUDDENLY, a single match ignites and invades the darkness. It
quivers for a moment. A dimly lit hand brings the rest of the
pack to the match. A plume of yellow-white flame flares and
illuminates the battered face of DEAN KEATON, age forty. His
salty-gray hair is wet and matted. His face drips with water
or sweat. A large cut runs the length of his face from the
corner of his eye to his chin. It bleeds freely. An unlit
cigarette hangs in the corner of his mouth.

In the half-light we can make out that he is on the deck of a
large boat. A yacht, perhaps, or a small freighter. He sits
with his back against the front bulkhead of the wheel house.
His legs are twisted at odd, almost impossible angles. He
looks down.

A thin trail of liquid runs past his feet and off into the
darkness. Keaton lights the cigarette on the burning pack of
matches before throwing them into the liquid.

The liquid IGNITES with a poof.

The flame runs up the stream, gaining in speed and intensity.
It begins to ripple and rumble as it runs down the deck
towards the stern.

2 EXT. BOAT - NIGHT - STERN 2

A stack of oil drums rests on the stern. They are stacked on
a palette with ropes at each corner that attach it to a huge
crane on the dock. One of the barrels has been punctured at
it's base. Gasoline trickles freely from the hole. The flame
is racing now towards the barrels. Keaton smiles weakly to
himself.
2.

The flame is within a few yards of the barrels when another
stream of liquid splashes onto the gas.

The flame fizzles out pitifully with a hiss. Two feet
straddle the flame. A stream of urine flows onto the deck
from between them.

BLUE 06/01/94

The sound of a fly zipping. Follow the feet as they move over
to where Keaton rests at the wheel house.

CRANE UP to the waist of the unknown man. He pulls a pack of
cigarettes out of one pocket and a strange antique lighter
from the other. It is gold, with a clasp that folds down over
the flint. The man flicks up the clasp with his thumb and
strikes it with his index finger. It is a fluid motion,
somewhat showy.

Keaton looks up at the man. A look of realization crosses his
face. It is followed by frustration, anger, and finally
resignation.

VOICE (O.S.)
How are you, Keaton?

KEATON
I'd have to say my spine was broken,
Keyser.

He spits the name out like it was poison.

The man puts the lighter back in his pocket and reaches under
his jacket. He produces a stainless .38 revolver.

VOICE (O.S.)
Ready?

KEATON
What time is it?

The hand with the gun turns over, turning the gold watch on
its wrist upward.
3.

The sound of sirens is closer now. Headed this way.

VOICE (O.S.)
Twelve thirty.

Keaton grimaces bitterly and nods. He turns his head away and
takes another drag. The hand with the gun waits long enough
for Keaton to enjoy his last drag before pulling the trigger.

GUNSHOT

The sound of Keaton's body slumping onto the deck.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MOVE OUT ACROSS THE DECK. Below is the stream of gasoline
still flowing freely. The sound of the gasoline igniting.

The flame runs in front of us towards the barrels, finally
leaping up in a circle around the drums, burning the wood of
the pallet and licking the spouting stream as it pours from
the hole.

MOVE OUT ACROSS THE DOCK, away from the boat.

The pier to which the boat is moored is littered with DEAD
BODIES. Twenty or more men have been shot to pieces and lie
scattered everywhere in what can only be the aftermath of a
fierce fire-fight.

A BARGE COMES INTO VIEW.

On the deck of the barge is a tangle of cables and girders.
The mesh of steel and rubber leaves a dark and open cocoon
beneath its base.

MOVE INTO THE DARKNESS.

Sirens are close now. Almost here. The sound of fire raging
out of control.

SIRENS BLARING. TIRES SQUEALING. CAR DOORS OPENING. FEET
POUNDING THE PAVEMENT.
4.

MOVE FURTHER, SLOWER, INTO THE DARKNESS

Voices yelling. New light flickering in the surrounding
darkness.

SUDDENLY, AN EXPLOSION.

Then silence. TOTAL BLACKNESS.

We hear the voice of ROGER "VERBAL" KINT, whom we will soon
meet.

VERBAL (V.O.)
New York. - six weeks ago. A truck loaded
with stripped gun parts got jacked
outside of Queens. The driver didn't see
anybody, but somebody fucked up. He heard
a voice. Sometimes, that's all you need.

YELLOW 06/11/94

BOOM
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary Dean Keaton is on the deck of a boat, injured and smoking a cigarette. A mysterious man, Keyser, arrives and shoots him dead. The boat explodes, and we hear the voice of Verbal Kint.
Strengths "Great use of sound design to set the atmosphere and tension. The opening scene sets up the main plot and characters well."
Weaknesses "There may be too much exposition in the narration, and the scene is fairly violent."
Critique Overall, this scene sets up an intriguing and mysterious beginning to the story. The use of sound descriptions (buoy bell, water slapping, creaking wood, sirens, etc.) creates a vivid and immersive atmosphere for the audience. The introduction of Keaton, his battered appearance, and actions (lighting a cigarette, igniting the liquid) conveys a sense of danger and instability. The reveal of Keyser Soze through his interaction with Keaton adds to the tension and anticipation of the story. The scene also establishes a visual and plot point of the gasoline barrels and dead bodies on the boat and pier, which can lead to future conflicts and twists. The use of Verbal's voiceover at the end provides a hint of what's to come without giving away too much.

One critique could be that the scene lacks dialogue and character development. Although there is a sense of mystery and danger, the audience does not learn much about Keaton, Keyser, or Verbal's motivations or backstories. However, this could be intentional and may be developed further in future scenes. Additionally, there is some repetition in the use of descriptive language (e.g. his salty-gray hair is wet and matted, his face drips with water or sweat), which could be streamlined for better efficiency and impact.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and sets the tone for the film, but here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Clarify the setting: It's unclear where the boat is and why Keaton is there. Adding some details to establish the location and purpose of the scene could help ground the viewer.

2. Use more sensory detail: While there's some good sensory detail in the scene (the sound of the buoy bell, the creaking of wood), there could be more to fully immerse the viewer. What does the air smell like? What's the temperature like? Adding in more sensory details can help make the scene more vivid.

3. Develop Keaton's character: We know that Keaton is injured and about to be killed, but we don't know much about him beyond that. Adding in some details about who he is and why he's in this situation could make his death more impactful.

4. Tighten up the pacing: The scene goes on for a bit longer than necessary and could benefit from some tightening up. If the scene were more concise, it would have more impact.

5. Develop the other characters: We hear the voice of "Keyser" and "Verbal" later in the scene, but we don't know who they are yet. Adding in some descriptions of these characters or even just a bit of dialogue could help set up the rest of the film.



Scene 2 -  Various Arrests and Meetings
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
3 INT. DARK APARTMENT - DAY - NEW YORK - SIX WEEKS PRIOR TO 3
PRESENT DAY

The black explodes with the opening of a door into a dark
room. Outside, the hall is filled with blinding white light.
Shadows in the shapes of men flood into the room. We can make
out men in hoods with flashlights. They are laden with
weapons.

VOICES
POLICE. SEARCH WARRANT. DON'T MOVE.

It is a blur of violent action and sound.'Beams of
flashlights cut the darkness in all directions.

FINALLY:

A dozen flashlights land on one man. He lies naked in bed,
Merging from a deep sleep. He squints at the flood of
blinding white light, more annoyed than frightened.
5.
He nearly laughs at the sound of countless guns cocking. He
is McMANUS. Age twenty-eight.

VOICE (O.S.)
Mr. McManus?

MCMANUS
Yeah.

VOICE (O.S.)
Police. We have a warrant for your
arrest.

McMANUS Will they be serving coffee downtown? Two dozen black
gloved hands grab him and yank him out of bed.

4 INT. AUTO BODY SHOP - DAY 4

An old paint mixer vibrates furiously. TODD HOCKNEY, a dark,
portly man in his thirties is working on an old Fire-bird.

A YOUNG HISPANIC KID mixes paint a few feet away. SUDDENLY,
the garage door opens TO REVEAL:

YELLOW 06/11/94

A row of five men silhouetted by the bright sun. Hockney
squints.

YELLOW 06/11/94

HOCKNEY
Can I help you?

Hockney's voice is gruff.

MAN
Todd Hockney'

Hockney reaches for something just inside the door of the
Fire-bird.

HOCKNEY
Who are you?
6.

All six men INSTANTLY PRODUCE GUNS and aim them at Hockney.

MAN
Police.

Hockney withdraws a filthy towel and wipes grease and sweat
from his forehead.

HOCKNEY
We don't do gun repair.

5 EXT. STREET - NEW YORK - DAY 5

FRED FENSTER, a tall, thin man in his thirties strolls
casually down the street. He is dressed conspicuously in a
loud suit and tie with shoes that have no hope of matching.
He smokes a cigarette and chews gum at the same time.

He happens to glance over his shoulder and notice a brown
Ford sedan with four men in it cruising along the curb. He
picks up his step a little. The Ford keeps up.

He looks ahead at the corner. He tries to look as comfortable
as he can, checking his watch as though remembering an
appointment he is late for. The Ford stays right on him.
SUDDENLY, he bolts. He gets no more than a few yards before
cars pour out of every conceivable nook and cranny. Brakes
are squealing, radios squawking, guns cocking. Fenster is
surrounded instantly. He stops short and flaps his hands on
his thighs in defeat.

6 INT. MONDINO'S RESTAURANT - DAY 6

An attractive man and woman walk quickly through the front of
a small New York cafe. They are charged with nervous, excited
energy.

YELLOW 06/11/94

The man is DEAN KEATON, a well dressed, sturdy looking man in
his forties with slightly graying hair. He looks much better
than he did in the opening scene.
7.
The woman with him is EDIE FINNERAN, age thirty-three, poised
and attractive - Easily the calmer of the two.

BLUE 06/01/94

They come to a staircase at the back of the restaurant
leading down to a dark room. Edie takes Keaton's arm and
stops him.

EDIE
Let me look at you.

Keaton is uncomfortable in his suit, or perhaps the
situation. Still, he smiles with genuine warmth. Edie
straightens his tie and picks microscopic imperfections from
his lapel.

EDIE
Now remember, this is another kind of
business. They don't earn your respect.
You owe it to them. Don't stare them down
but don't look away either. Confidence.
They are fools not to trust you. That's
the attitude.

KEATON
I'm having a stroke.

EDIE
You've come far. You're a good man. I
love you.

Keaton blinks then stammers, looking for a response. PAUSE

EDIE
Live with it.

She kisses him and runs down the steps with Keaton close
behind. Keaton playfully grabs her ass and she nearly
stumbles down the stairs.
8.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary The scene shows several arrests, a confrontation, and a meeting between two characters.
Strengths "Quickly establishes the sense of danger and tension in the story."
Weaknesses "Some of the characters feel a bit stereotypical."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-described, with clear action and dialogue that provide the reader with a clear idea of what is happening.

However, there are a few things that could be improved:

1. It is unclear who the main character is, as the scene jumps between different people. It may be helpful to establish a clear protagonist or focus for the scene.

2. The dialogue could be more engaging and reveal more information about the characters. It mostly consists of short, declarative statements that do not reveal much about the characters or their relationships with each other.

3. The scene could benefit from more sensory description to immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere.

4. Some of the actions and dialogue feel cliché, such as the police raiding an apartment or an attractive woman straightening a man's tie. The scene could be made more unique and interesting with original action and dialogue.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest the following improvements:

1. Clarity: The scene lacks clarity in terms of who the men in hoods are and why they are raiding the apartment. Providing more context and explanation would help the audience understand the situation.

2. Character development: The character of McManus is introduced abruptly without any background information. Adding some personality traits or backstory to him would help the audience connect with him better.

3. Dialogue: The dialogue in the scene feels generic and lacks individuality. Adding some unique quirks or personality to each character's dialogue would help differentiate them and make them more memorable.

4. Visuals: The scene has a lot of action, but the visuals could be more descriptive and impactful. Adding more vivid descriptions of the surroundings and the action would help create a more immersive experience for the audience.

5. Set-up: While the scene serves to introduce several characters, there is no clear sense of how they will connect to the overall plot. Adding some foreshadowing or hints at upcoming events would help establish a sense of anticipation in the audience.



Scene 3 -  The Meeting Interrupted
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
7 INT. RESTAURANT - DOWNSTAIRS 7

They come to the bottom of the steps giggling and jabbing
each other. Once off the stairs they instantly transform as
though hit with cold air. They assume a cool, professional
exterior and walk two feet apart. One would look at them and
see only two business associates here to ply their trade.

They walk across the dimly lit dining room to a table in the
far corner where two men are already waiting. The first is
MR. FORTIER, age thirty-five, the other is MR. RENAULT, age
sixty. Both men are impeccably dressed with a distinguished
air. They stand and smile.

YELLOW 06/11/94

FORTIER
Edie, nice to see you.

EDIE
Sorry we're late.

FORTIER
Nonsense. Sit, please.

RENAULT
(struggling with English)
You must be Mr. Keaton.

EDIE
I'm sorry. Dean Keaton Renault's hand is
already out.

RENAULT
Monsieur Renault. A pleasure.

KEATON
How do you do?

They shake hands. Keaton takes Fortier's hand next.
9.

FORTIER
Monsieur Fortier. So nice to finally meet
you.

Everyone sits at the table. All faces are smiling.

LOW ANGLE: UNDER TABLE

Edie's hand reaches out and finds Keaton's leg. Her hand runs
high up his inner thigh and squeezes firmly. Her face is
absolutely calm, giving no hint of what her hand is doing.
Keaton smiles and clears his throat.

8 INT. MONDINO'S RESTAURANT 8

Follow a waiter past the flight of steps.

PAN DOWN TO REVEAL:

Five sets of feet arriving at the bottom. The feet in the
middle wear shoes notably nicer than the rest.

YELLOW 06/11/94

PAN UP TO REVEAL:

SPECIAL AGENT DAVID KUJAN (Pronounced Koo-yahn), U.S.
CUSTOMS. Thirtyish, dark-haired and determined.

9 SCENE DELETED 9

PINK 06/07/94

10 INT. RESTAURANT - DOWNSTAIRS 10

FORTIER
Edie brought us your proposal and I'll be
honest. We're very impressed. A bit
skeptical, I must admit, but impressed.

KEATON
Skeptical.
10.

RENAULT
We find the concept brilliant, but New
York is difficult for new restaurants.
How can we be certain that our money will
be returned in the long run?

Keaton looks at Edie and smiles confidently.

KEATON
It's simple gentlemen, design
versatility. A restaurant that can change
with taste without losing the overall
aesthetic. Our atmosphere won't be
painted on the walls.

FORTIER
This was the part of the proposal that
intrigued us, but I'm not sure I follow.

KEATON
Let's say for example -

VOICE (O.S.)
This I had to see myself.

Keaton looks up. He sees David Kujan. Behind him are the very
serious looking guys in suits. Keaton is not happy to see
them.

KEATON
Dave. I'm in a meeting.

KUJAN
Time for another one.

KEATON
This is my attorney, Edie Finneran.
(gesturing)
11.

BLUE 06/01/94

KEATON
This is Mr. Renault and Mr. Fortier.
Everyone, this is David Kujan.

KUJAN
Special Agent Kujan. U.S. Customs.
(Gestures to men behind him)
These gentlemen are with the New York
police department. You look great,
Keaton. Better than I would have thought.

RENAULT
Is there a problem, Mr. Keaton?

KUJAN
The small matter of a stolen truck-load
of guns that wound up on a boat to
Ireland last night.

Renault and Fortier's confusion is giving way to suspicion.

FORTIER
Mr. Keaton?

KEATON
If you will excuse us for a moment,
gentlemen.

KUJAN
We need to ask you some questions
downtown. You'll be quite awhile.

Renault starts to get up.

RENAULT
We should leave you to discuss whatever
this is.

KEATON
Please. Sit.
12.

Keaton stands up and throws a wad of money on the table to
cover the check. He looks at Edie. She moves to stand, but he
sits her back down with a hand on her shoulder.

KEATON
Enjoy the meal.
(To Edie)
I'LL call you.

Kujan takes him by the arm, but Keaton yanks away.

YELLOW 06/11/94

He looks out over the dozens of other faces in the
restaurant. Everyone is looking at him with some level of
surprise. If Keaton is humiliated by the whole affair, he
hides it well.
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Keaton is in the middle of a business meeting at a restaurant when he is interrupted by a U.S. customs agent and the New York police, who want to question him about stolen guns. Keaton tries to downplay the situation, but his associates become suspicious and he is forced to leave.
Strengths "Realistic dialogue and character interactions, tense atmosphere"
Weaknesses "Short scene with limited plot development"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of description and dialogue. The writer effectively sets the tone and mood of the scene, creating a sense of tension and intrigue with the arrival of Special Agent Kujan and his team. The use of physical actions, like Edie's hand on Keaton's leg, adds depth and nuance to the scene.

One potential critique is that the introduction of Special Agent Kujan feels a bit abrupt and forced. While the scene sets up a business meeting between Keaton and two other men, the sudden appearance of law enforcement officials seems to come out of nowhere. It might have been beneficial to build up to this moment more, either through foreshadowing or by establishing Kujan's presence in previous scenes.

Additionally, there are several moments where the characters' dialogue feels a bit unnatural or stilted. For example, Mr. Renault's struggle with English feels like an unnecessary detail that doesn't add much to the scene, and some of the characters' responses to the news of the stolen guns feel a bit contrived.

Overall, this scene is well-crafted and effectively creates tension and intrigue, but there are a few areas where the writing could be tightened up.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Introduce the characters more clearly and establish their relationships to each other. This will help the audience understand the dynamics at play in the scene.

2. Make the stakes clearer. We don't really know what the proposal is or why it's important, so it's hard to care when the police show up.

3. Build suspense leading up to the arrival of the police. This will make the reveal more impactful.

4. Show more of Keaton's emotions. Right now, it's unclear how he's feeling about the situation.

5. Consider adding some conflict between the characters, even before the police show up. This will help to make the scene more dynamic and interesting to watch.



Scene 4 -  Interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
11 INT. LOCK-UP HALLWAY - NIGHT 11

A police officer steps into the frame and opens the steel
door.

FOLLOW A PAIR OF FEET as they shuffle across the cement
floor. The shoes are shabby and worn, as are the wrinkled
pants that hang too low and loose at the cuffs. The right
foot is turned slightly inward and falls with a hard limp. It
is clear that the knee does not extend fully.

The sound of a steel door opening. The bottom corner of a
steel cage comes into view. Another set of feet falls into
step with the first. Another steel door and another set of
feet. Another door, another and another. Five pairs of feet
walk single file down the hall.

The lame feet are in the front of the line. They come to
another steel door, this one solid and covered with dents and
rivets.

CRANE UP TO REVEAL:

ROGER KINT, VERBAL to his few friends. He has a deeply lined
face, making his thirty-odd years a good guess at best.
13.
From his twisted left hand, we can see that he suffers from a
slight but not debilitating palsy. Behind him are Dean
Keaton, Fred Fenster, McManus and Todd Hockney.

Verbal steps through the door, followed by the rest.

VERBAL (V.O.)
It didn't make sense that I be there. I
mean these guys were hard-core hijackers,
but there I was. At that point, I wasn't
scared, f knew I hadn't done anything
they could do me for. Besides, it was
fun. I got to make like I was notorious.

12 INT. LINE-UP ROOM 12

The five men are ushered into the room in front of a white
wall painted with horizontal blue stripes. Each has a number
at either end to denote the height of the man in front of it.
Between these lines are thinner blue lines to tell the
specific height in inches.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Bright lights shine on all of them. They squint, eyes
adjusting.

Keaton leans forward a bit and looks at the men in line with
him. He shares a look of familiarity with Fenster and then
McManus. Hockney smiles at all of them.

MCMANUS
(To Keaton) )
Where you been, man?

VOICE (O.S.)
SHUT UP IN THERE. Alright, you all know
the drill. When your number is called,
step forward and repeat the phrase you've
been given. Understand?

The men all nod.
14.

VOICE (O.S.)
Number one. Step forward. Hockney takes a
step forward.

He looks directly into a mirror on the other side of the
room. It is three feet square and we can make out faint light
behind it. It is a two-way. He speaks in a complete dead-pan.

HOCKNEY
Hand-me-the-keys, you-fucking-cock-
sucker.

VOICE (O.S.)
Number two. Step forward.

McManus steps up and makes a gun with his thumb and
forefinger. He mocks criminal intensity, pointing at the
mirror. He camps up his line.

MCMANUS
Give me the keys, you motherfucking,
cocksucking pile of shit, or I'll rip off
your

VOICE (O.S.)
KNOCK IT OFF. Get back in line.

McManus steps back.

The rest of the men do their bit as Verbal speaks.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
It was bullshit. The whole rap was a
setup. Everything is the cops' fault. You
don't put guys like that in a room
together. Who knows what can happen?

13 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT 13

McManus sits in a chair in front of a white wall. He smiles
at someone off-screen.
15.

OVERLAPPED:

MCMANUS
This has to be embarrassing for you guys,
huh? I mean you know and I know this is a
load of shit, but at least I don't have a
captain with his dick in my ass making me
play along. That has got to suck.

VOICE (O.S.)
Are you done?

MCMANUS
Do you work for a broad? That would have
to be the worst.

VOICE (0.S.)
Are you done?

MCMANUS
Still, I guess dignity is a small pries
to pay for medical and a pension. A small
pension, mind you, but a pension
nonetheless.

VERBAL (V.O.)
They drilled us all night. Somebody was
pissed about that truck getting knocked
off and the cops had nothing. They were
hoping somebody would slip. Give them
something to go on. They knew we wouldn't
fight it because they knew how to lean on
us. They'd been doing it forever. Our
rights went right out the window. It was
a violation. I mean disgraceful.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
They went after McManus first. He was a
good guy. Crazy though. A top notch entry
man.
16.

VOICE (O.S.)
So where'd you dump the truck?

MCMANUS
What truck?

VOICE (O.S.)
The truck with the guns, fucko.

MCMANUS
You kill me, you really do. Where's my
phone call?

VOICE (O.S.)
Right here. Suck it out.

MCMANUS
Clever guy.

VOICE (O.S.)
You want to know what your buddy Fenster
told us?

BLUE 06/01/94

MCMANUS
Do I look stupid enough to fall for that?
Jesus Christ. Beat me if you gotta, but
no more of the candy-land tactics, man.

VOICE (O.S.)
WHERE'S THE FUCKING TRUCK?
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary The five suspects are lined up for a police lineup and later interrogated about a truck heist. McManus is the first to be questioned, and he becomes confrontational with the police.
Strengths
  • Well-written dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up the tension and stakes for the story. The descriptions of the characters and their movements are clear and vivid, giving the reader a clear image of each person. The dialogue is sharp and natural, revealing character traits and relationships through the way the characters interact with each other and with the police officers.

One potential area for improvement would be to provide more context for the situation. It's not immediately clear why these characters are in a police lineup or what they are being accused of. Providing a bit more backstory or exposition could help to clarify this and make the stakes of the scene even clearer.

Additionally, the use of a voiceover from Verbal may feel somewhat heavy-handed. While it does provide some insight into his thoughts and feelings, it also risks telling rather than showing the audience what's going on. Finding a way to convey that information through actions, dialogue, or visual cues could be more effective.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene that effectively sets up the story to come.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I have to improve this scene:

1. Use more descriptive language to set the tone and atmosphere of the scene, especially in the Lock-Up Hallway. Use more sensory details to help the audience feel like they are there with the characters.

2. Show more character development and interaction between the five men in the Line-Up Room. Use dialogue and body language to give them more distinct personalities and motivations.

3. Cut down on the voice-over narration and let the action and dialogue speak for itself. Show rather than tell the story.

4. Make the dialogue more natural and less cliché, especially in the Interrogation Room. Avoid using overly dramatic lines that feel staged and unrealistic.

5. Lastly, consider adding more visual elements to the scene, such as props, lighting, and camera angles, to make it more dynamic and engaging for the viewer.



Scene 5 -  Interrogation Room
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
14 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM 14

Now Fenster is in the seat. He sweats profusely.

FENSTER
I want to call my lawyer. I don;'t know
about any truck. I was in Connecticut all
night on Friday.

VOICE (O.S.)
That's not what McManus said.
17.

OVERLAPPED:

FENSTER
Who?

VOICE (0.8.)
McManus. Be told us another story
altogether.

FENSTER
Was it the one about the hooker with
dysentery I swear , she never mentioned
money until I came.

VOICE (O.S.)
Be fold us about the truck.

FENSTER
To be honest, it was more like a
mobile home. She made a lot of money.

VOICE (O.S.)
Who took the guns off your hands?

FENSTER
Hey, are we talking about the same thing?

VOICE (O.S.)
I'm losing my patience.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
Fenster always worked with McManus. He
was a real tight-ass, but when it came to
the job, he was right on. Smart guy. A
gopher. Got whatever you needed for next
to nothing.

FENSTER
You guys got nothing on me. Where's your
probable cause?
18.

VOICE (O.S.)
You're a known hijacker. You're sweating
like a guilty motherfucker. That's my
p.c. Save us the time. Tell us where the
truck is.

Fenster knocks on the table.

FENSTER
HELLO? Can you hear me in the back? P.C.

He looks under his chair.

FENSTER
Where is it? I'm lookin'. It's not
happening. What's going on with that? I
want -

BLUE 06/01/94

15 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM 15

Hockney's turn in the chair. He laughs it all off.

HOCKNEY
- my lawyer. I'll have your badge,
cocksucker.

OVERLAPPED:

HOCKNEY
I know you. You don't think I know you're
on the take. This whole fucking precinct
is dirty. You don't have a fucking leg to
stand on.

VERBAL (V.O.)
Hockney was just a bad bastard. Good with
explosives. Mean as a snake when it
mattered.
19.

VOICE (O.S.)
You think so, tough guy? I can put you in
Queens the day of the hijacking.

HOCKNEY
I live in Queens. What the fuck is this?
You come into my store and lock me up in
front of my customers. What the hell is
wrong with this country? Are you guys
gonna charge me or what?

VOICE (O.S.)
You know what happens if you do another
turn in the joint?

HOCKNEY
I'll fuck your father in the shower.
Charge me, dick-head.

16 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM 16

Now Keaton sits in the chair, cool and indifferent.

VERBAL (V.O.)
Keaton was the real prize for them, for
obvious reasons.

VOICE (O.S.)
I'll charge you when I'm ready.

BLUE 06/01/94

KEATON
With what?

VOICE (O.S.)
You know damn well, dead-man.

KEATON
Hey, that was your mistake, not mine. Did
you ever think to ask me? I've been
20.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
walking around with the same face, same
name - I'm a businessman, fellas.

VOICE (O.S.)
What's that? The restaurant business? Not
anymore From now on you're in the getting-
fucked-by-us business . I'm gonna make
you famous, cocksucker. Keaton shows just
a flicker of contempt. The threat has hit
home.

KEATON
Like I said. It was all your mistake.
Charge me with it and I'll beat it. Let's
get back to the truck.

A FIST flies into the frame and connects with Keaton's jaw.
His head snaps back, blood flowing freely from his mouth.

17 DELETED 17
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary The police interrogate five suspects about a truck heist in an attempt to identify the culprits of the crime.
Strengths "The dialogue and character interactions are well-written and keep the tension high throughout the scene."
Weaknesses "There is not much action or plot progression in the scene."
Critique The scene is effective in that it establishes the characters and their personalities through their reactions to the interrogation. However, some of the dialogue feels forced and contrived, particularly Fenster's humor and Hockney's over-the-top insults. The scene could benefit from more natural and subtle dialogue. Additionally, it would be helpful to have more description of the setting and actions to create a clearer visual picture for the reader.
Suggestions First, there seems to be a lack of overall structure and purpose to the scene. It jumps from Fenster to Hockney to Keaton without a clear reason why or how their individual stories relate to the larger narrative.

Second, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more efficient and engaging. Instead of repetitive lines and interruptions, the characters' words could be more directly confrontational and revealing of their personalities and motives.

Third, adding more physical action and character movement could make the scene more visually interesting. As it stands, the scene is mostly characters sitting in chairs and talking, which can be stagnant and visually unengaging. Adding movement or actions that reveal character traits could make the scene more dynamic and memorable.

Overall, to improve the scene, the screenwriter could work on giving it a clear purpose, tightening up the dialogue, and adding more visually engaging action and character movement.



Scene 6 -  Cell Block
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
18 INT. CELL BLOCK 18

Keaton is brought in to a holding where he joins Fenster,
Hockney, Verbal and McManus. He sits in a corner and keeps to
himself. Fenster is in mid-tirade.

FENSTER
Somebody should do something. What is
this shit - getting hauled in every five
minutes? Okay, so I did a little time,
does that mean I get railed every time a
truck finds its way off the planet?

McManus is silently staring at Keaton, who sits on a bench,
looking away.

HOCKNEY
These guys got no probable cause.
21.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

FENSTER
You're fuckin' A right, no P.C. Well
screw P.C. No right. No goddamn right.
You do some time, they never let you go.
Treat me like a criminal, I'll end up a
criminal.

HOCKNEY
You are a criminal.

FENSTER
Why you gotta go and do that? I'm trying
to make a point.

KEATON
Then make it. Christ, you're making me
tired all over.

McManus looks at Keaton.

MCMANUS
I heard you were dead, Keaton.

KEATON
You heard right.

HOCKNEY
The word I got is you hung up your spurs,
man. What's that all about?

MCMANUS
What's this?

HOCKNEY
Rumor has it, Keaton's gone straight -
cleaning house. I hear he's tapping Edie
Finneran.

MCMANUS
Who?
22.

HOCKNEY
She's a heavy-weight criminal lawyer from
uptown. Big-time connected. She could
erase Dillinger's record if she tried. I
hear she's Keaton's meal ticket.
(To Keaton)
Is it true?

MCMANUS
What about it, Keaton? You a lawyer's
wife. What sort of "retainer" you giving
her?

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Keaton shoots McManus a fiery glare.

FENSTER
I'd say you've gotten on his main and
central nerve, McManus.

KEATON
Do your friend a favor, Fenster, keep him
quiet.

MCMANUS
You're clean, Keaton? Say it ain't so.
Was it you that hit that truck?

FENSTER
Forget him. It's not important. I was
trying to make a point.

KEATON
(Ignoring McManus)
This whole thing was a shakedown.

MCMANUS
What makes you say that?

KEATON
How many times have you been in a line-
up? It's always you and four dummies.
23.
The P.D. pays homeless guys ten bucks a
head half the time. No way they'd line
five felons in the same row. No way. And
what the hell is a voice line-up? A
public defender could get you off of
that.

FENSTER
So why the hell was I hauled in and
cavity searched tonight?

KEATON
It was the Feds. A truck load of guns
gets snagged, Customs comes down on
N.Y.P.D. for some answers - they come up
with us. They're grabbing at straws. It's
politics - nothing you can do.

FENSTER
I had a guy's fingers in my asshole
tonight.

HOCKNEY
Is it Friday already?

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

FENSTER
Fuck you. I'11 never shit right again. So
who did it? Own up.

KEATON
I don't want to know.

MCMANUS
Nobody asked you, workin'-man.

HOCKNEY
Fuck who did it. What I want to know is,
who's the gimp?

ALL EYES suddenly turn on Verbal. He has been quietly
listening the whole time without uttering a word.
24.

KEATON
He's alright.

HOCKNEY
How do I know that? How about it, pretzel-
man? What's your story?

KEATON
His name is Verbal Kint. I thought you
guys knew him.

MCMANUS
Verbal?

VERBAL
Roger really. People say I talk too much.

HOCKNEY
Yeah, I was gonna tell you to shut up.

KEATON
We've met once or twice. Last time was
in...

VERBAL
County. I was in for fraud.

KEATON
You were waiting for a line-up then, too.
What happened with that?

VERBAL
I walked. Ninety days, suspended.

YELLOW 06/11/94

HOCKNEY
So you did it?

VERBAL
To your mother's ass.
25.

Verbal looks away from Hockney, awaiting a violent response.
Everyone slowly starts to laugh. Hockney looks as if he is
about to boil in his own skin.

KEATON
(To Hockney)
Let it go.

Verbal smiles at Keaton appreciatively. McManus stands and
walks to the toilet in the corner of the cell. He starts
taking a leak;

MCMANUS
Look, we've all been put out by this, I
figure we owe it to ourselves to salvage
a little dignity. Now Fenster and I got
wind of a possible job -

KEATON
Why don't you just calm down'

HOCKNEY
What do you care what he says?

MCMANUS
Yeah, I'm just talking here, and Hockney
seems to want to hear me out. I know
Fenster is with me -
(to Verbal)
How about you, guy?

McManus finishes pissing.

VERBAL
I'm interested, sure.

MCMANUS
There, so you see, I'm going to exercise
my right to free assembly.

McManus taps the bars of his cell and the others LAUGH.
26.

KEATON
I'm not kidding. Shut your mouth.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MCMANUS
You're missing the point.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
No, you're missing the point. Shut up. I
don't want to hear anything you have to
say. I don't want to know about your
"job". Just don't let me hear you. I want
nothing to do with any of you -
(beat)
I beg your pardon but all of you can go
to hell.

MCMANUS
Dean Keaton, gone the high road. What is
the world coming to?

McManus and Keaton stare at one another for a long and tense
moment. Finally McManus turns to the others.

MCMANUS
Forget him then.
(whispering)
Now I can't talk about this here in any
detail, but listen up...

Everyone but Keaton gravitates toward McManus's cell as he
begins to speak in low, hushed tones.

VERBAL (V.O.)
And that was how it began. The five of us
brought in on a trumped-up charge to be
leaned on by half-wits.
27.
What the cops never figured out, and what
I know now, was that these men would
never break, never lie down, never bend
over for anybody. .. Anybody.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Keaton and his associates are brought into a jail cell after being arrested for a truck heist. McManus tries to convince the others to plan another job, but Keaton wants nothing to do with it.
Strengths "Tension and conflict between characters are well-executed, and the reveal about the characters' personalities is intriguing."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on dialogue and does not have much action or visual interest. The theme is not fully developed."
Critique This scene does a good job of introducing the characters and their dynamics. However, it may benefit from more action and movement to break up the dialogue and add visual interest. The dialogue itself is well-written and believable, with each character having a distinct voice and point of view. The tension between Keaton and McManus is particularly compelling and sets up potential conflicts for later in the story. Overall, this is a solid scene that could be improved with some added action.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:
- Add more action to break up the long stretches of dialogue and make it visually interesting. For example, have Keaton pacing or fidgeting, or show the other inmates in the cell block interacting with each other.
- Develop the characters further. Right now, they all speak in the same type of tough-guy, wise-cracking language. Give them distinct personalities and backgrounds that come out in their speech and actions.
- Make the dialogue more concise and to-the-point. Some of the speeches feel repetitive and could be shortened without losing their impact.
- Consider adding subtext to the scene. Right now, the characters are all saying exactly what's on their minds, which can feel unrealistic. Try having them say one thing while meaning another, or using body language to convey something different than their words.



Scene 7 -  Investigation and Interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
19 EXT. PIER - DAY - SAN PEDRO - PRESENT DAY 19

It is morning in the aftermath of the opening scene. Harsh
sunlight shines on a line of body bags on the dock.

Police swarm everywhere, photographers are taking pictures of
the scene while a team of men in rolled up sleeves and
plastic gloves pick at the remains.

Two men on a fire boat operate a water cannon, dousing the
smoldering remains of a burned-out ships hull.

Watching this from the edge of the pier is a man in a dark
suit. He is SPECIAL AGENT JACK BAER of the F.B.I. He is tall
and fit, in his late thirties. He gazes out over the water
thoughtfully.

YELLOW 06/11/94

A UNIFORM COP trots up to him.

COP
Who are you?

Baer holds up his badge without looking at the man.

BAER
Agent Jack Baer, F.B.I. How many dead?

Before the cop can answer, Baer turns and walks along the
line of body bags.

COP
Fifteen so far. We're still pulling some
bodies out of the water.

Baer eyes the corpses on the dock, burned beyond recognition.

COP
Looking for anyone in particular?
28.

Baer looks at the cop for the first time, unamused.

BAER
I don't want any of the bodies taken away
until I've had a chance to go over this,
understood?

COP
I have to clear the scene. I've got word
direct from the Chief.

Baer lights a cigarette, only half listening.

BAER
(unimpressed)
Yes, the chief. Spooky stuff. Any
survivors?

COP
Two. There's a guy in county hospital,
but he's in a coma. The D.A. has the
other guy - A cripple - from New York I
think. Listen, the Chief said -

BAER
Excuse me.

Baer walks away from the cop, ignoring him completely. He
wanders through the carnage on the pier.

YELLOW 06/11/94

20 MT. OCEAN 20

A half mile out from the pier.

The sea is choppy, stirred by the wind. An object floats into
view a few feet away, bobbing in the water.

It is A DEAD BODY - a man, face down, wearing a CHECKERED
BATHROBE. He drifts quietly toward the open ocean.
29.

21 INT. HEARING ROOM - DAY - LOS ANGELES PRESENT 21

Verbal Kint sits in a chair in front of a microphone attached
to a tape recorder, his brow beaded with sweat.

On the wall behind him is the seal of the STATE OF
CALIFORNIA.

He is cleaner, better kept, in a well-cut suit and neatly
trimmed hair. He looks older than he did in New York - worn
down.

A flurry of voices banter off screen. Verbal's eyes follow
the voices back and forth.

VOICE #1 (O.S.)
My client offers his full cooperation in
these proceedings. In exchange, his
testimony is to be sealed and all matters
incriminating to himself are to be
rendered inadmissible.

VOICE #2 (O.S.)
The district attorney's office will
comply provided -

VOICE #1
No provisions, nothing. My clients
testimony for his immunity.

VOICE #2
May-I be frank, Counselor? I suspect your
political power as much as I respect it.
I don't know why Mr. Kint has so many
faceless allies in City Hall, and I don't
care. The embarrassment he helped cause
the city of New York will not happen
here.

VOICE #1
Immunity.
30.

YELLOW 06/11/94

VOICE #2
Counselor, I will prosecute your client.

VOICE #1
Then prosecute. I will be very impressed
to see if the District Attorney manages
to bring in twenty-seven simultaneous
counts of murder against one man with
cerebral palsy. I would think a man with
your job would agree with these alleged
"faceless people in City Hall" you
mention.

VOICE #2 1
One would think the counsel is veiling a
threat.

VOICE #1
Counsel isn't veiling anything.

VOICE #2
I'11 take my chances then. I'11 feel
safer without a job if a man like Mr.
Kint is behind bars.

VOICE #1
Mr. Kint will plead guilty to weapons
possession.

VOICE #2
You're joking.

VOICE #1
Weapons. Misdemeanor one.

VOICE #2
Counselor, you're insulting me.

VOICE #1
Counselor, you're bluffing. Shall I push
for misdemeanor two?
31.

Voices mumble off screen. Verbal fidgets in his chair.

VOICE #2
Misdemeanor one. Fine. This is ludicrous.

A tiny smile and a genuine look of disbelief flash across
Verbal's face.

YELLOW 6/11/94

22B

VOICE #2
(clearing throat)
As for the rest of the charges grand
larceny, arson... murder - the district
attorney will accept the subject's
testimony in connection with the above
mentioned events and in exchange will
offer complete immunity. The
transcript... The transcript of said
testimony will be sealed and all matters
incriminating to Mr. Kint will be
rendered inadmissible.

Verbal lets out a long-held sigh of relief.
Genres: ["crime","drama","mystery"]

Summary Agents investigate crime scene and interrogate Verbal Kint in exchange for immunity
Strengths "Tension is built through the investigation and interrogation scenes. Verbal's character arc is developed through his interrogation."
Weaknesses "The dialogue between Verbal and the authorities can be slow at times."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up the narrative conflict of the film. The description of the crime scene is visceral and evocative, and the introduction of Special Agent Baer adds tension and intrigue. The dialogue in the hearing room is tense and well-written, effectively conveying the high stakes of the negotiations between Verbal's lawyer and the district attorney. However, one small critique is that the scene transitions are a bit abrupt - the sudden shift from the pier to the ocean and then to the hearing room can be jarring. It may be helpful to include transitional elements (such as fades or dissolves) to smooth out these transitions.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more sensory details to make the scene more vivid and engaging. For example, describing the smell of smoke and burned flesh, the sound of sirens and people shouting, and the feel of the sun beating down on the characters could heighten the tension and make the scene feel more real. Additionally, consider adding more dialogue or interactions between characters to reveal their personalities and motives. For example, give the cop and Baer more of a conversation to show their conflicting priorities and attitudes towards the situation. Finally, consider tightening up the scene by trimming any unnecessary description or exposition that doesn't add to the story or character development.



Scene 8 -  Interrogation and Immunity
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
22 INT. POLICE STATION - HALLWAY - DAY 22

David Kujan is walking quickly beside SERGEANT RABIN, a dark
and weathered looking man in his late thirties. They move up
a staircase into the heart of police headquarters.

KUJAN
What do you mean I can't see him?

RAB IN
The D.A. came down here last night ready
to arraign before they even moved him to
county. Kint's lawyer comes in and five
minutes later, the D.A.
32.
comes out looking like he'd been bitch-
slapped by the boogey man. They took his
statement and cut him a deal.

KUJAN
Did they charge him with anything?

RAB IN
Weapons. Misdemeanor two.

KUJAN
What'the fuck is that?

Rabin motions for Kujan to lower his voice. He points out
that they are walking through a bullpen filled with desks
where a number of other police are working within earshot.

RABIN
I give the D.A. credit for getting that
much to stick. This whole thing has
turned political. The Mayor was here -
the chief - the Governor called this
morning, for Christ's sake. This guy is

YELLOW 06/11/94

RABIN
protected - From up on high by the prince
of fucking darkness.

KUJAN
When does he post bail?

RAB IN
Two hours, tops.

KUJAN
I want to see him.

Rabin comes to an office door with his name on it. He opens
it and lets Kujan in before following.

PINK 06/07/94
33.

23 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 23

RABIN
Dave, please.

Rabin's office can only be described as a disaster area. The
desk is cluttered with weeks, perhaps months or even years of
paperwork that could never conceivably be sorted out.

Above his desk is a bulletin board. It is a breathtaking
catastrophe of papers, wanted posters, rap-sheets, memos and
+ post-its. This is in the neighborhood of decades. Rabin is
a man with a system so cryptic, so far beyond the
comprehension of others, he himself is most likely baffled by
it.

RABIN
Even if I was to let you talk to him, he
won't talk to you. He's paranoid about
being recorded and he knows the
interrogation rooms are wired.

KUJAN
This won't be an' interrogation, just
a... friendly chat to kill time.

RABIN
(enunciating)
He won't go into the interrogation room.

KUJAN
Someplace else, then.

RAB IN
Where?

Kujan looks around Rabin's messy office.

RABIN
No, no, no, no, no.
34.

KUJAN
If it was a dope deal, where's the dope,
if it was a hit, who called it in?

RABIN
And I am sure you have a host of wild
theories to answer these questions.

KUJAN
You know damn well what I think.

YELLOW 06/11/94

RABIN
That's crazy, Dave and it doesn't matter.
He has total immunity and his story
checks out. He doesn't know what you want
to know.

KUJAN
I don't think he does. Not exactly, but
there's a lot more to his story. I want
to know why twenty-seven men died on that
pier for what looks to be ninety-one
million dollars worth of dope that wasn't
there. Above all, I want to be sure that
Dean Keaton is dead.

RABI +N
He's dead.

KUJAN
Two hours. Just until he makes bail.

RABIN
They're all dead. No matter how tough you
r. say this Keaton was, no one on that
boat could've made it out alive.

PINK 06/07/94
35.

24 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY 24

A door marked INTENSIVE CARE. The door BURSTS OPEN. SUDDENLY,
the hallway is a flurry of activity.

DOCTOR LISA PLUMBER, age fifty, walks quickly beside JACK
BAER.

Baer walks with all of the determination of a battalion of
Chinese infantry.

DOCTOR RIDGLY WALTERS, a young intern in his late twenties
rushes up to them.

PLUMBER
Ridgly, this is Special Agent Jack Baer
from the F.B.I. Agent Baer, this is
Doctor Ridgly Waiters.

RIDGLY
Nice to meet you.

BAER
Is he talking?

RIDGLY
He regained consciousness less than an
hour ago. He spoke - not English - then
he lapsed.

BAER
Hungarian?

YELLOW 06/11/94

RIDGLY
I don't

BAER
It was Hungarian. Most of them were
Hungarians. Any fluent Hungarians on your
staff?
36.

RIDGLY
We have a Turkish audiologist. Ridgly
opens a door and Baer barrels through.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Kujan tries to see Verbal Kint but is denied. The police discuss Kint's immunity deal and his lawyer's triumph. Baer visits a hospitalized survivor who speaks Hungarian.
Strengths "Advances the plot by introducing new information, characters, and potential leads. Provides insight into the power dynamics between Kint and the police. Builds tension with the mysterious Hungarian-speaking survivor."
Weaknesses "Mainly exposition with little action. Dialogue-heavy scenes may lose the attention of some viewers\/readers."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. The dialogue is realistic and the characters have distinct voices. The setting, a police station and hospital, adds to the mood and tension of the scene.

One potential area of improvement could be in describing the characters' actions or body language to enhance the emotional depth of the scene. For example, when Kujan is told he can't see the suspect, how does he react? Is he frustrated or angry? Does he clench his fists? These details could help the audience better connect with the characters and their motivations.

Additionally, there could be more information provided about the plot and the characters' backstories to further engage the audience. For example, who is Dean Keaton? Why is Kujan so eager to talk to the suspect? These details could create a more compelling story for viewers.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the characters of David Kujan and Sergeant Rabin more. Right now, they feel like stock characters, and it's difficult to care about them or become invested in their conversation.

2. Consider adding more action to the scene. Right now, it's just two characters walking and talking. Try to incorporate more movement or visual interest to keep the audience engaged.

3. Show, don't tell. Instead of having Rabin explain the situation to Kujan, try to find a way to visually convey the information through action or dialogue.

4. Add more conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, it's a straightforward conversation. Try to find ways to add unexpected surprises or moments of conflict to make it more interesting.

5. Consider the pacing of the scene in relation to the rest of the film. If the scene feels too slow or unimportant, see if there's a way to condense it or move it to a different part of the script.



Scene 9 -  Hospital visit and interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 9
25 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM 25

(<< .. DENOTES LINES SPOKEN IN HUNGARIAN)

Baer comes to an abrupt halt at the foot of a bed surrounded
by a massive tangle of medical equipment. In the center of it
all is the as yet unnamed ARKOSH KOVASH, mid-thirties. His
body is nearly mummified in bandages and plaster from waist
to chin.

BOLD IS OVERLAPPED:

KOVASH
<<Are you the police? I need the police.
He'll find out I'm here and he'll kill
me. I need the police. I will tell them
anything they want to know. Please, I am
going to be killed.>>

BAER
Will he die?

PLUMBER
There's a chance.

Baer walks over to Rovash and kneels down on the bed beside
him.

He looks closely at his battered and scalded face. He listens
to him far a moment. Kovash goes on incessantly.

KOVASH
<<Find someone who understands me, you
idiot, I'm going to be killed, You'll all
be killed if he has to do it. Help me,
God. They're all stupid. Get someone who
understands me or we're all going to
die.>>
37.

YELLOW 06/11/94

Baer pulls a cellular phone out of his jacket and dials.

BAER
Call hospital security and put a man on
the door until the police get here.

KOVASH
<<Why are you just standing there, you
idiot? I'm not speaking English am I?
Wouldn't it make sense to find someone
who could talk to me so you could find
the person that set me on fire, perhaps?
He is the Devil. You've never seen anyone
like Keyser Soze in all your miserable
life you idiot. Keyser Soze. Do you at
least understand that? Keyser Soze. The
Devil himself. Or are you American
policemen io stupid that you haven't even
heard of him. Keyser Soze, you ridiculous
man. KEYSER SOZE. >>

BLUE 06/01/94

Ridgly runs out of the room. Kovash babbles louder and
louder, trying to get Baer's attention. Baer sticks a finger
in one ear to block him out and hear the phone.

PLUMBER
Is he dangerous?

BAER
Yes.

Someone picks up on the other end of the phone.

BAER
Joel, it's Baer. I'm down at L.A. county.
The guy they pulled out of the harbor is
ARKOSH Kovash... Yes, I'm sure... No,
he's all fucked up... What? I can't hear
you.
38.
(to Arkosh)
Shut up, Hugo, I'm on the phone.
(into Phone)
Yes... No... Not until I put someone on
him. Listen, I need you to send me
someone who can speak Hungarian. He's
awake and talking like a Thai hooker...
How should I know? Get me someone who can
talk to him -

Baer is suddenly distracted by something Kovash has said. In
the middle of a long string of unintelligible dialect, he has
spouted two words that have gotten Baer's attention.

He turns and looks down at the tattered man in the bed.
Kovash realizes Baer is listening and says the two words
again.

KOVASH
Keyser - Soze.

BAER
What?

He waves his hand, gesturing for Kovash to say it again.

KOVASH
Keyser - Soze.

BAER
No shit?
(into Phone)
Joel, call Dan Metzheiser over at Justice
and find Dave Kujan from Customs.

YELLOW 06/11/94

26 INT. HALLWAY - POLICE STATION 26

Rabin walks out of a small room. Behind him, we catch a
glimpse of a workroom with a bench covered with wires.

Kujan comes out a moment later, gently fixing his tie.
39.

Rabin opens the door to his office and Kujan enters. Rabin
follows, looking up and down the hall before closing the door
behind them.

As the door closes we can just make out the back of Verbal's
head. He is seated in Rabin's office, smoking a cigarette.

27 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 27

Kujan and Rabin sit down across from Verbal.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KUJAN
(exasperated)
Verbal, you know we're trying to help
you.

VERBAL
Sure. And I appreciate that. And I want
to help you, Agent Kujan. I like cops. I
would have liked to have been a Fed
myself but my C.P. was -

KUJAN
Verbal, I know you know something. I know
you're not telling us everything.

VERBAL
I told the D.A. everything I know.

28 INT. WORKSHOP 28

Rabin stands over LOUIS, a messy looking technician at his
workbench in a room full of electronic equipment. He adjusts
several dials on a receiver until the voices of Kujan and
Verbal come clearly through a tinny speaker on the wall.
Rabin reaches over for a nearby pot of coffee.

KUJAN (VOICE)
I know you liked Keaton I know you think
he was a good man.
40.

VERBAL (VOICE)
I know he was good.

KUJAN (VOICE)
He was a corrupt cop, Verbal.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Baer visits a hospitalized survivor who speaks Hungarian and mentions Keyser Soze, which prompts Baer to call for Dave Kujan from Customs. Meanwhile, Kujan and Rabin interrogate Verbal Kint in an attempt to get more information about the heist.
Strengths "Intense, suspenseful dialogue"
Weaknesses "Limited action"
Critique The scene, as presented, is quite intriguing and sets the stage for a thrilling narrative to unfold. The descriptions of the hospital room and the injured Kovash, along with his incessant babbling and fear of Keyser Soze, are vivid and well-written. Baer's actions and dialogue are believable and logical, and the use of different colored text helps to differentiate between the spoken languages.

That being said, there could be room for improvement in terms of pacing and dialogue. The scene drags on a bit in the middle, with Kovash repeating his fears and Baer making phone calls. While this may be necessary for the plot, it could be condensed and made more interesting through more dynamic camera work or snappier dialogue.

Additionally, the dialogue between Kujan, Rabin, and Verbal seems a bit clunky and unnatural, with Kujan's exasperation feeling forced and Verbal's responses feeling stilted. In a scene that is so dialogue-heavy, it is important to ensure that each character's words flow naturally and realistically.

Overall, the scene has promise and lays the groundwork for an exciting story, but could benefit from some tightening and polishing.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Consider giving more context and background information about Arkosh Kovash, as well as his relationship to the main characters. This will help the audience better understand the stakes and tensions in the scene.
- Try to make Kovash's dialogue clearer and more coherent. While it's understandable that he's in a distressed state, making his dialogue completely unintelligible may frustrate viewers and distract from the main plot.
- Show more of Baer's reaction to hearing the name "Keyser Soze." This is a pivotal moment in the film, and it's important for the audience to understand the significance of this name.
- Consider adding more visual elements to the scene, such as close-ups of the medical equipment and Kovash's injuries, to create more visual interest and tension.



Scene 10 -  Interrogation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
29 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 29

VERBAL
Sure. Fifteen years ago, but he was a
good thief Anyway, the cops wouldn't let
him go legit.

KUJAN
Keaton was a piece of shit.

VERBAL
You trying to get a rise out of me, Agent
Kujan?

YELLOW 06/11/94

KUJAN
I just want to hear your story.

YELLOW 06/11/94

VERBAL
It's right here.

He taps a finger on the stack of paper that Kujan brought in.
Kujan picks it up and thumbs through it.

KUJAN
According to your statement you are a
short-con operator. Run of the mill
seams. Everything you do, you learned
from somebody else.

VERBAL
That's been suppressed. Anything in there
is inadmissible.
41.

KUJAN
Oh, I know. Sweet deal you have. Total
immunity.

VERBAL
(laughing)
Well I do have the weapons charge. I'm
looking at six whole months hard time.

KUJAN
(smiling)
You know a dealer named Ruby Deemer,
Verbal?

VERBAL
You know a religious guy named John Paul?

KUJAN
You know Ruby is in Attica?

VERBAL
He didn't have my lawyer.

KUJAN
I know Ruby. He's very big on respect.
Likes me very much.

Verbal sees this getting to something. His smiles fades.

KUJAN
Now I know your testimony was sealed.
Ruby is well connected. He still has
people running errands for him. What do
you think he'd say if he found out you
dropped his name to the D.A.?

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

VERBAL
There's nothing in there about Ruby.

KUJAN
I'11 be sure to mention that to him.
42.

Verbal is not smiling anymore. He stares at Kujan with utter
contempt, knowing he is being shafted.

KUJAN
The first thing I learned on the job,
know what it was? How to spot a murderer.
Let's say you arrest three guys for the
same killing. Put them all in jail
overnight. The next morning, whoever is
sleeping is your man. If you're guilty,
you know you're caught, you get some rest
- let your guard down, you follow?

VERBAL
No.

KUJAN
I'11 get right to the point. I'm smarter
than you. I'11 find out what I want to
know and I'11 get it from you whether you
like it or not.

VERBAL
I'm not a rat.

Kujan puts his hand on the transcript of Verbal's confession.
Rabin walks in with a cup of coffee. Verbal takes it with his
good hand and sips it with a relish.

VERBAL
Ahhh. Back when I was picking beans in
Guatemala we used to make fresh coffee.
Right off the trees I mean. That was
good. This is shit, but hey...

RAB IN
Can we get started again?

KUJAN
Now what happened after the line-up?

Verbal sneers at Kujan, unable to change the subject.
43.

BLUE 06/01/94
Genres: ["crime","mystery","drama"]

Summary Kujan and Rabin interrogate Verbal Kint about the heist, threatening to expose him to dangerous criminals. Verbal tries to brush off the pressure, while dropping hints about Keyser Soze.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and tension, with hints of a deeper mystery"
Weaknesses "The setting and pacing may feel claustrophobic to some viewers"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively builds tension between Verbal and Kujan. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, there could be more physical description and action in the scene. The dialogue is strong, but it would benefit from more movement and gestures from the characters.

Additionally, the use of exposition in this scene feels a bit heavy-handed. The conversation feels forced at times, as if the characters are simply conveying information to the audience rather than having a natural conversation. Finding ways to convey this information more subtly could help the scene feel more organic.

Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively builds character and tension, but there is room for improvement to make it feel more natural.
Suggestions Consider adding more action to the scene to add visual interest for viewers. You could also play up the tension between Verbal and Kujan by adding more conflict and intensity to their conversation. Additionally, consider adding more background information about both characters to further develop their motivations and personalities. This will help the audience better understand their actions and why they are important to the plot. Finally, consider adding more foreshadowing or hints about what is to come later in the film to keep the audience engaged and interested in the story.



Scene 11 -  At the Police Station
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
30 EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT - NEW YORK - SIX WEEKS PRIOR 30

Keaton stops at the top of the front steps of the police
station and lights a cigarette. Edie comes out behind him,
fuming mad.

EDIE
...and the desk Sergeant is actually
trying to tell me he can't release you?
Can you believe that? You weren't even
charged. New York police - Jesus. I want
to take pictures of your face to bring to
the D.A. first thing in the morning.

KEATON
Just forget about it.

He looks across the street and sees Fenster and McManus
talking by a newsstand. McManus is thumbing through
magazines.

EDIE
Absolutely not.

Keaton looks to his right and sees Hockney trying to hail a
cab.

EDIE
I'11 have this thing in front of a grand
jury by Monday.

KEATON
Edie, please. I don't want to hear this
right now. What did Renault and Fortier
say?

EDIE
They want more time to think about
investing.
44.

KEATON
Goddamnit.

EDIE
They just said they wanted time.

KEATON
Time for what, Edie? Time to look into me
a little more, that's what. No matter how
well you cover my tracks now, they'll
find out who I am.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

EDIE
Give me some credit. I got you this far,
let's go to the grand jury. This is never
going to stop if we -

KEATON
No. It's never going to stop, period. It
won't take more than a week before every
investor in this city is walking away
from us. It's finished. I'm finished.

Just then, Verbal bumps into him on his way out the door. He
excuses himself and hobbles down the steps, oblivious to who
he has bumped into as he tries to navigate the stairs.

EDIE
Don't give up on me now, Dean.

KEATON
They'll never stop.

EDIE
I love you.

KEATON
(to himself)
They ruined me tonight.
45.

EDIE
Dean, I love you. Do you hear me?

Verbal gets to the sidewalk and stops. He turns, realizing it
is Keaton on the steps.

EDIE
Let's just go to my place. We'll worry
about this tomorrow.

Keaton and Verbal look at one another for a moment. Keaton
then looks over to the newsstand and sees Fenster looking at
him.

KEATON
Huh?

McManus notices Fenster and glances up from his magazine to
see what he is looking at.

EDIE
Come home with me, please. Dean?

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Keaton looks at Hockney who has one foot in a cab. He is
looking at Fenster and McManus who are looking at Keaton.
This makes Hockney look up at Keaton as well.

SUDDENLY, Edie tunes in to what is going on. She notices the
others on the street. She reaches over and takes Keaton by
the arm, pulling gently. She glares at the others.

EDIE
Come home, Dean.

KEATON
(distant)
Alright.

Verbal looks at everyone else from where he stands on the
street.
46.
Fenster, McManus and Hockney all look at him and then at each
other. It is a strange moment of unspoken understanding.

All eyes finally turn to Keaton, high on the front steps of
the police station as he walks away with Edie.

31 INT. HALLWAY - DAY 31

Verbal stands in front of an apartment door. He hesitates for
a long moment before he knocks.

After a moment, the door opens and Keaton stands on the other
side of it. He is wearing a bathrobe and smoking a cigarette.

He looks at Verbal without any expression whatsoever.

KEATON
What are you doing here'! How did you
find me?

VERBAL
I just asked one of the detectives
downtown. He seemed pretty happy to tell
me.

Keaton curses under his breath and motions for Verbal to come
in.
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Edie is trying to get Keaton released from the police station but faces resistance. Keaton worries about being found out and Verbal accidentally bumps into him.
Strengths "Strong tension from Keaton's worry about his secret being discovered and Verbal's accidental meeting. Strong character interactions."
Weaknesses "Some slow pacing at times."
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and effectively conveys the tense situation that Keaton is in. The dialogue between Keaton and Edie is believable and captures their conflicting emotions well. The introduction of Verbal and his interaction with Keaton also serves to heighten the tension.

One potential area for improvement could be the lack of clear action and description in some parts of the scene. For example, it is not clear where exactly Fenster, McManus, and Hockney are standing in relation to Keaton and Edie, and their movements are not described in detail. Adding more specific description could help to make the scene feel more immersive and vivid.

Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively conveys its emotional and narrative beats.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more external action to match the internal tension between the characters. For example, instead of just having them standing outside the police station, have them walking or moving around the area while they argue. This could also give the scene more visual interest. Additionally, adding more specific and nuanced dialogue between the characters could deepen their conflicts and motivations, and make the scene more engaging for the audience. Finally, consider adding some foreshadowing or hints at the bigger plot points to come, to keep the audience invested and interested in the story.



Scene 12 -  Verbal Convinces Keaton
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
32 INT. EDIE'S APARTMENT 32

Verbal walks in and sits down on the couch, watching Keaton
cautiously. He looks around the large apartment, beautifully
furnished and decorated.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Edie walks into the room in a man's button-down shirt and
sweat pants.

EDIE
Dean, who was at the --

She stops when she sees Verbal. Verbal stands and smiles
nervously.
47.

VERBAL
How do you do?

KEATON
Verb - Roger, this is Edie Finneran.
Edie, this is Roger Kint, he was at --

EDIE
(cold)
I know who he is.

VERBAL
I hope I didn't disturb you.

EDIE
I hope so, too, Mr. Kint. Can I get you
something to drink?

VERBAL
A glass of water would be nice.

Edie shoots a look at Keaton on her way out of the room.
Keaton tries to hush his voice despite his anger.

KEATON
What the hell do you want?

VERBAL
I wanted to talk to you. The other guys -

KEATON
I did you a favor by standing up for you
last night, but don't think we're
friends. I'm sorry, but I have other
things -

VERBAL
They're gonna do a job. Three million
dollars, maybe more.

Keaton is speechless. Verbal sits on the couch again.
48.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

VERBAL
They sent me to offer you a cut. We could
use a fifth man - a driver - That's all
you'll do.

Edie walks in with a glass of ice water and hands it to
Verbal.

VERBAL
Thank you.

Verbal drinks slowly. Edie stands over him, her face blank.
It is an awkward moment. She deliberately makes Verbal
uncomfortable.

LONG PAUSE - FINALLY:

EDIE
So what is it you do, Mr. Kint?

VERBAL
Umm ...

EDIE
A hijacker like Dean, here? Or something
more creative?

KEATON
That's enough, Edie.

EDIE
(angry)
I don't know what you came here for, but
we won't have any part of it.

KEATON
Edie, please.

Keaton takes Edie by the arm and tries to guide her toward
the other room. She pulls away, anger turning to rage.
49.

EDIE
I've spent the last year of my life
putting his back together again - I won't
have you come in here and - What makes
you think - GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOME.
HOW DARE YOU COME HERE?

Keaton is pulling her now. She yanks her arm away and shoves
him.

YELLOW 06/11/94

EDIE
Don't touch me. Just don't --

She turns and walks out of the room. Somewhere in the back of
the apartment, a door slams. Keaton turns and glares at
Verbal. Verbal cringes.

KEATON
Get out.

VERBAL
If you'll just let me -

SUDDENLY, KEATON LUNGES. He grabs Verbal by the lapels and
lifts him off the couch, moving him effortlessly across the
room and slamming him into the wall next to the front door.
He opens it.

VERBAL
Don't hurt me.

KEATON
(seething)
Hurt you, you sonofabitch? I could kill
you.

Keaton starts to shove Verbal out the door.

VERBAL
(Quickly)
They're going to hit the Taxi Service.
50.

Keaton freezes. LONG PAUSE.

VERBAL
New York's Finest Taxi Service.

KEATON
They - That's bullshit. They don't
operate anymore.

VERBAL
McManus has a friend in the Fourteenth
Precinct. They're coming out for one job -
Thursday. They're picking up a guy
smuggling emeralds out of South America.
Fenster and McManus have a fence set to
take the stuff.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
What fence? Who?

VERBAL
Some guy in California. His name is
Redfoot.

KEATON
Never heard of him.

Keaton moves to throw Verbal out. Verbal grabs Keaton and
holds tight.

VERBAL
You have to come.

KEATON
What's with you? What do you care whether
I come or not?

VERBAL
They - They don't know me. You do. They
won't take me unless you go. Look at me.
I need this.
51.

KEATON
Tough break.

VERBAL
Don't tell me you don't need this. Is
this your place?

Keaton is unable to answer.

VERBAL
They're never going to stop with us, you
know that. This way we hit the cops where
it hurts and get well in the mean time.

Keaton lets Verbal go and steps back, thinking.

VERBAL
As clean as you could ever get, they'll
never let you go now.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

VERBAL
I'm not knocking you. You look like
you've got a good little seam going with
this lawyer -

WHAM. Keaton punches Verbal in the stomach and drops him to
one knee. Verbal coughs and tries to find his breath.

KEATON
You watch your mouth.

VERBAL
(Gasping)
Okay, okay. You say it's the real thing?
That's cool.

Keaton reaches for Verbal. Verbal flinches. Keaton gently
helps him up and guides him to the couch. They bath sit.

Keaton reaches for a pack of cigarettes and lights one for
each of them.
52.

KEATON
I apologize.

Verbal takes one and has a few drags, catching his breath and
rubbing his stomach in pain.

FINALLY:

VERBAL
I was out of line.

KEATON
You okay?

VERBAL
I'11 be alright.

KEATON
Well, I'm sorry.

VERBAL
Forget it.
(beat)
I'11 probably shit blood tonight.

Keaton laughs. Verbal thinks about it for a moment and laughs
with him.

Keaton's laughter trails off. He thinks for a moment.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

KEATON
How are they going to do it?

VERBAL
McManus wants to go in shooting. I said
no way.

KEATON
Fenster and Hockney?
53.

VERBAL
They're pretty pissed off. They'll do
anything. Now I got a way to do it
without killing anyone: but like I said,
they won't let me in without you.

KEATON
Three million?

VERBAL
Maybe more.

KEATON
No killing?

VERBAL
Not if we do it my way.

LONG PAUSE

KEATON
(Llst in thought)
I swore I'd live above myself.

Verbal smiles, knowing he has him.
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Verbal tries to convince Keaton to join the heist and give him protection, while Edie disapproves and an angry confrontation ensues. Keaton eventually agrees to join the heist.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
  • Revealing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Sexism in Edie's portrayal
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear and concise dialogue between the characters. However, a few suggestions for improvement could include adding more visual descriptions of the characters' actions and reactions, particularly during moments of tension. Also, the scene could benefit from more information about the setting and atmosphere of Edie's apartment to fully immerse the audience in the scene. Finally, the character development of Verbal could be further explored to better understand his motivations and desires in convincing Keaton to join the group.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description to the setting - the scene takes place in Edie's apartment, which is described as large and beautifully furnished, but there is no further detail given. Adding more description could help to create a more vivid and unique setting for the scene.

2. Show more of Verbal's nervousness - the script mentions that Verbal smiles nervously, but it could be beneficial to show more of his physical reactions to the tense situation. This could include things like fidgeting, sweating, or avoiding eye contact.

3. Give Edie more depth - in the script, Edie is mostly angry and confrontational towards Verbal. Giving her more nuance and depth as a character could make her interactions with Verbal and Keaton more interesting to watch. This could include hints at her backstory or motivations, or showing different emotions aside from anger.

4. Add more tension - while there is conflict in the scene, it could be heightened by adding more tension. This could be achieved through things like dialogue that is more confrontational, faster pacing, or more physical action.

5. Show more of Keaton's internal struggle - the script touches on Keaton's desire to live above himself and avoid violence, but it could benefit from showing more of his internal struggle. This could include scenes of him wrestling with his conscience or flashbacks to past violent actions he has taken.



Scene 13 -  Heist Begins
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
33 EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - DAY 33

VERBAL (V.O.)
New York's finest Taxi Service was not
your normal taxi service. It was a ring
of corrupt cops in the N.Y.P.D. that ran
a high-profit racket, driving smugglers
and drug dealers all over the city. For a
few hundred dollars a mile, you got your
own black and white and a police escort.
They even had their own business cards.

OSCAR WHITEHEAD, a tall gray-haired man in his fifties comes
out of the international terminal in a white linen suit. He
holds a large suitcase in his right hand.
54.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
After a while, somebody started asking
questions and the taxi service shut down.
Ever since then, Internal Affairs had
been waiting to catch them in the act.

Oscar stands on the curb long enough to light a cigarette.
After a moment, a POLICE CRUISER pulls up to him. He opens
the back door and gets in.

VERBAL (V.O.)
And that was how we started. McManus came
to us with the job; Fenster got the vans;
Hockney supplied the hardware; 'I came
through with how to do it so no one got
killed - but Keaton - Keaton put on the
finishing touch. A little "Fuck you" from
the five of us to the N.Y.P.D.

The car drives out of the airport. A VAN follows at a
distance.

34 INT. POLICE CAR 34

SERGEANT JIM STRAUSZ, a meaty, imposing looking man in his
forties drives the car. Beside him is a thin, greasy looking
PATROLMAN, STEVE RIZZI. They are two drivers for New York's
Finest Taxi Service.

RIZZI
How was the flight?

Oscar hands Rizzi a thick envelope.

OSCAR
Will that get me to the Pierre?

Rizzi counts the stack of hundred dollar bills in the
envelope .
55.

RIZZI
That'll get you to Cape God.

The two men laugh. Strausz watches the road, expressionless.

35 EXT. HIGHWAY 35

The cruiser heads towards the heart of Manhattan.

YELLOW 06/11/94

36 EXT. STREET - LATER 36

The police car makes its way down a wide, abandoned street. A
WHITE MINIVAN pulls out behind it and heads the same way.

37 INT. POLICE CAR 37

Strausz looks in the rear-view mirror. The white minivan is
flashing his high-beams.

STRAUSZ
What the...

RIZZI
LOOK OUT.

Strausz looks in front of him. A green minivan swerves in
front of them from out of nowhere. Strausz slams on the
brakes and skids to a halt. The white minivan rams them from
behind.

Strausz and Rizzi are stunned for a moment as two more vans
screech up on either side of the cruiser, boxing it in with
only a few inches between them.

The cruiser is surrounded on all sides.

SUDDENLY, SHOTGUN BARRELS come through the open windows. They
come to rest, one on Strausz's left temple one on Rizzi's
right. RIZZI looks out of the corner of his eye.

He sees the driver of the van next to him holding the shotgun
with one hand. A stocking is over the driver's head.
56.
Strausz looks straight ahead. The minivan in front of them is
missing a back window. Another man with a stocking on his
head aims a sub-machine gun at them from inside.

By the twisted right hand holding the front of the gun, we
know it is Verbal. Strausz and Rizzi raise their hands
without being asked.

38 EXT. STREET 38

The driver of the white van gets out with a gallon jug in one
hand and a sledge hammer in the other.

Moving like lightning, he jumps onto the roof of the police
car

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

He stands on the front of the roof and swings the hammer
down.

39 INT. POLICE CAR 39

SMASH

The hammer punches three huge holes in the windshield and
finally caves it in. Strausz and Rizzi are covered with
pebbles of broken glass. Whitehead clutches his bag in the
back seat. He trembles in terror.

The man standing on the roof doubles over and sticks a gun in
Strausz's face. His face hangs upside down and looks gruesome
- covered from the mouth up in a stocking. By the voice, we
know it is McManus.

MCMANUS
GIVE ME THE SHIT.

STRAUSZ
Give it up.

Oscar hands the suitcase up front and Strausz passes it to
McManus.
57.

40 INT. FRONT VAN 40

Through the front windshield of the front van we see Keaton
at the wheel. Verbal is behind him leaning out the back
window.

Beneath Keaton's stocking mask we see he is trembling and
sweating - sickened by what he is doing.

He glances up at the rear-view mirror and looks at the scene
outside. He looks down at the floor in shame, shaking his
head.
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary The corrupt cops-turned-making-a-heist gang take over and rob a police car, with Verbal Kint orchestrating the whole thing.
Strengths "Intense heist sequence that showcases the skills of the robbers and the lengths they will go to for the 'job.'"
Weaknesses "Lack of clear motivation for each character involved in the heist."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the high-stakes and dangerous atmosphere of the situation. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to make the scene even stronger:

1. More clarity on character motivations. While Verbal provides some explanation for how the heist came together, it would benefit from more development of each character's motives for participating. This would add depth to the story and make the characters feel more real.

2. More sensory details. The scene primarily focuses on the visual elements of the heist, but it would be even more engaging if the reader could also experience the sounds, smells, and physical sensations of the moment. This would help create a truly immersive experience for the audience.

3. A stronger emotional impact. Although the final line indicates that Keaton is experiencing shame and regret, this emotion doesn't come across as strongly as it could. More emphasis on Keaton's inner turmoil throughout the scene would make the payoff of his emotional reaction feel more earned and effective.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively creates a sense of tension and danger. However, here are some suggestions to further improve the scene:

- Give more context to the characters. We don't know anything about Oscar Whitehead besides his appearance and that he's carrying a suitcase with money. It would add depth to his character if we knew why he needed the taxi service or what he plans to do with the money.
- Make the dialogue more natural. Some of the dialogue, especially when Rizzi and Strausz are exchanging banter, feels forced and cliched. It would be more effective to make the dialogue sound like how these characters would naturally speak in this situation.
- Establish the geography of the scene more clearly. It's not entirely clear where the white minivan comes from, or how the two other vans manage to box in the police car with only a few inches between them. This could be clarified with more descriptive language or a diagram.
- Give more insight into Keaton's internal struggle. While the scene hints at Keaton's discomfort with what he's doing, it would be more powerful to delve deeper into his emotions and thoughts. How does he justify his actions to himself? Does he have any reservations about working with criminals? This would add more nuance to his character and make his actions more impactful.



Scene 14 -  The Aftermath
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
41 INT. POLICE CAR 41

McMANUS The money. Strausz looks at Rizzi.

MCMAMJS
THE MONEY. LET'S HAVE IT.

Rizzi hands the money through the remains of the windshield.

YELLOW 06/11/94

McManus takes the money and stuffs it in his jacket. He steps
back and takes the cap off of the gallon jug. He quickly
pours some kind of liquid all over the roof of the car.

STRAUSZ
Do you know who I am?

A hand reaches into the driver's side window and rips
Strausz's badge off of his shirt.

Strausz dares to turn his head right at the shotgun pointing
at him through the window. On the other end is a masked and
smiling Todd Hockney.

HOCKNEY
We do now, Jerk-off.

McManus lights a pack of matches and drops them on the roof
of the car as he jumps off. THE LIQUID IGNITES, the roof of
the car is instantly in flames.
58.
Strausz and Rizzi attempt to bail out, but the vans are too
close for them to open the doors. The vans pull away.

Strausz and Rizzi escape from the car. Oscar is trapped
inside, SCREAMING. Strausz and Rizzi stop, each expecting the
other to go let Oscar out.

42 EXT. STREET - LATER 42

The scene is swarming with fresh police cars. Strausz and
Rizzi are fielding questions from a dozen other cops.

Photographers are everywhere.

VERBAL (V.O.)
The papers got Keaton's call that day and
were on the scene before the cops were.
Strausz and Rizzi were indicted three
days later. Within a few weeks, fifty
more cops went down with them. It was
beautiful. Everybody got it right in the
ass, from the chief on down.

YELLOW 06/11/94

43 INT. GARAGE - NIGHT 43

Hockney, Fenster, McManus and Verbal are all laughing in a
secluded garage. They are still in their black clothes from
the robbery. Hockney is throwing everyone a can of beer.

Keaton sits off by himself. He watches the others, unable to
join in the festivities.

The others sit around a cheap card table. It is covered with
emeralds. Dozens of them. Everyone is in awe. McManus There's
more than I thought.

HOCKNEY
When does the fence come? McMANUS
Redfoot? He never comes to see me. I have
to go see him.
59.

VERBAL
In California?

MCMANUS
Yeah. It'll take a few days. Me and
Fenster

HOCKNEY
Hold the fuckin' phone. You and Fenster?
No, no, no.

MCMANUS
Guys, come on.

HOCKNEY
I'm sure you can understand my
hesitation.

FENSTER
Then who goes?

HOCKNEY
We all go. How about it, Keaton?

All eyes turn to Keaton. He comes out of his trance.

KEATON
We need to lay low for a while.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MCMANUS
Fine with me.

PAUSE

Everyone looks at each other, their moment of distrust
blowing over. All eyes drift back to the emeralds on the
table.

Hockney begins to snicker, then McManus, then Fenster. Verbal
joins in at last. McManus grabs Verbal and hugs him, shaking
him violently.
60.

MCMANUS
My boy with the plan.

SUDDENLY, everyone yells and pours beer over Verbal's head.
He laughs as he is drenched in white foam, nearly choking as
the others chant his name.

Keaton watches from across the room, trying to smile in vain.

44 SCENE DELETED 44

45 INT. WAITING ROOM - LAW OFFICE - DAY 45

Keaton and Verbal sit side by side on a sofa. A sign on the
door behind them reads: MONTGOMERY and LaGUARDIA - ATTORNEYS
AT LAW.

VERBAL
We're going to miss the flight.

KEATON
We'll make it.

VERBAL
Don't do this. Send her a card -
something.

KEATON
We'll make it.

VOICE (O.S.)
Ms. Finneran will be with you in a
moment.

Keaton stands and paces across the waiting room. He comes to
a set of glass doors and looks through them.

YELLOW 06/11/94

Keaton realizes he is standing on a balcony overlooking a
library below.

He sees Edie working in the library with an old woman. The
two women talk for a moment.
61.

SUDDENLY, Keaton turns with a start. Verbal is standing
behind him.

VERBAL
We're gonna miss the plane.
(beat)
She'll understand.

YELLOW 06/11/94

Edie is smiling and laughing with the old woman. Keaton's
face is marked with guilt and anguish. Keaton turns and walks
out of the waiting room. Verbal takes one last glance at Edie
and turns back to Keaton.

46 INT. LIBRARY 46

Edie seems to sense something behind her. She turns and looks
through the glass doors and up into the waiting room.

NOTHING IS THERE. She goes back to chatting with the old
woman.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary The group secures the stolen money and jewels, but tensions rise when discussing their next move. Keaton is visibly troubled and guilt-ridden, while Verbal tries to keep everyone on track. Meanwhile, Edie is seen working in a library, unaware of the dangerous situation her lover is in.
Strengths "Strong character development and emotional tension."
Weaknesses "Lacks significant plot development."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the aftermath of the robbery and the criminals' reactions to it. The dialogue feels authentic and the tension between the characters builds nicely.

One thing to consider is that the action isn't very clear in the first part of the scene, when the police car is set on fire. The description could benefit from more detail to help the reader envision what's happening, especially since this is an important moment in the story.

Additionally, it might be helpful to establish the setting of the garage scene earlier on in the scene description, so the reader can better understand where the characters are. Finally, the final shot of Edie in the library seems somewhat disconnected from the rest of the action in the scene, so it might be worth rethinking how that moment connects to the rest of the story.
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more physical descriptions and actions to make the scene more visually engaging.

2. Work on developing the characters' relationships and motives further to increase emotional investment from the audience.

3. Consider tightening up dialogue to make it more impactful and memorable.

4. Explore ways to make the scene more unique or unexpected to set it apart from similar scenes in other films.



Scene 15 -  Kujan Confronts Verbal
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 10
47 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE -DAY - LOS ANGELES - PRESENT 47

KUJAN
Heartwarming. Really, I feel weepy.

VERBAL
You wanted to know what happened after
the line-up, I'm telling you.

KUJAN
Oh come on, Verbal. Who do you think
you're talking to? You really expect me
to believe he retired? For a woman?
Bullshit. He was using her.

VERBAL
He loved her.
62.

KUJAN
Sure. And I'm supposed to believe that
hitting the Taxi Service wasn't his idea
either.

VERBAL
That was all Fenster and McManus.

KUJAN
Come on. Keaton was a cop for four years.
Who else would know the Taxi Service

PINK 06/07/94

KUJAN
Better? That job had his name all over
it.

VERBAL
You keep trying to lay this whole ride on
t Keaton. It wasn't like that. Sure he
knew, but Edie had him all turned around.
r I'm telling you straight, I swear.

KUJAN
Let me tell you something. I know Dean
Keaton. I've been investigating him for
three years. The guy I know is a cold-
+ blooded bastard. L.A.P.D. indicted him
on three counts of murder before he was
kicked off the force, so don't sell me
the hooker with the heart of gold.

VERBAL
You got him wrong.

KUJAN
Do I? Keaton was under indictment a total
of seven times when he was on the force.
In every case, witnesses either reversed
their testimony to the grand jury or died
before they could testify.
63.
When they finally did nail him for fraud,
he spent five years in Sing Sing. He
killed three prisoners inside - one with
a knife in the tailbone while he
strangled him to death. Of course I can't
prove this but I can't prove the best
part either.

Kujan pauses to drink some coffee.

KUJAN
Dean Keaton was dead. Did you know that?
r He died in a fire two years ago during
an investigation into the murder of a
witness who was going to testify against
him. Two people saw Keaton enter a
warehouse he owned just before it went
up. They said he had gone in to check a
leaking gas main. It blew up and took all
of Dean Keaton with it. Within three
months of the explosion, the two
witnesses were dead, one killed himself
in his car and the other fell down an
open elevator shaft.

PINK 06/07/94

48 SCENE DELETED 48

49 SCENE DELETED/DIALOGUE MOVED - BOTTOM SCENE 47 49

PINK 06/07/94

50 INT. WORKSHOP 50

Rabin and Louis look at one another as they listen.

KUJAN
(on speaker)
Six weeks ago I get an anonymous call
telling me I can find Keaton eating at
Mondino's with his lawyer, and there he
is.
64.
Now because he never profited from his
alleged death and because someone else
was convicted for the murder we tried to
pin on Keaton, we had to let him go.
Genres: ["crime","drama","mystery"]

Summary Kujan reveals Keaton's criminal past and supposed death, leading Verbal to question everything he knows.
Strengths "Confrontational dialogue; tense tone; plot revelations that challenge audience expectations and assumptions"
Weaknesses "Lack of action; limited setting"
Critique As a screenwriting AI, I can give some pointers on how to improve the scene:

- The scene is heavy on exposition, which can be tiresome for the audience. Consider finding a more engaging way to convey the information, such as visual storytelling or dialogue that reveals character.

- The dialogue feels unnatural at times, particularly the exposition about Keaton's past. Try to incorporate this information in a more organic way by having characters reveal it through their actions or interactions.

- The scene lacks visual interest, as it takes place in a single location without any significant action. Consider adding some movement, such as characters pacing or gesturing, to keep the scene visually engaging.

- The ending of the scene feels anticlimactic, as Kujan's revelation about Keaton's supposed death does not have a significant impact on the characters or the story. Consider either building up to this reveal more or finding a different way to end the scene on a stronger note.
Suggestions 1. Create tension: The scene needs to have more tension and conflict between Kujan and Verbal. Kujan's accusation against Keaton needs to be more direct and personal, so that Verbal is forced to defend Keaton passionately.

2. Use visuals: The scene is set in Rabin's office, but there could be more visual elements to make it engaging. Maybe Verbal is pacing, or Kujan takes a sip of coffee every time he makes a damning statement.

3. Develop the dialogue: The dialogue feels a bit too on-the-nose. It would be more interesting if the characters spoke in subtext and double meanings, with underlying agendas and motivations. Also, some of the exposition could be delivered in a more creative way, like using flashbacks or showing news clippings.

4. Focus on character: The scene needs to further develop the characters of Kujan and Verbal. What are their aspirations, fears, flaws? How do they relate to each other beyond this one conversation? Adding more depth to the characters will make the scene more memorable.

5. Cut down on exposition: The scene currently has too much exposition, which slows down the pace. Some of the information about Keaton's past could be conveyed through actions or gestures, instead of a long speech from Kujan. Trust in the audience to piece together the clues and come to their own conclusions.



Scene 16 -  Verbal Confronted by Kujan
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
51 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 51

KUJAN
He was dead just long enough for a murder
rap to blow over, then he had lunch.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

VERBAL
I don't know about that.

KUJAN
I don't think you do. But you say you saw
Keaton die. I think you're covering his
ass and he's still out there somewhere. I
think he was behind that whole circus in
the harbor. My bet is he's using you
because you're stupid and you think he's
your friend. You tell me he's dead, so be
it. I want to make sure he's dead before
I go back to New York.

VERBAL
(Blurting)
He wasn't behind anything. It was the
lawyer.

KUJAN
What lawyer?

PAUSE

KUJAN
What lawyer, Verbal?

Verbal stammers for a moment, looking around wildly.
65.

VERBAL
Back when I was in that barber shop
quartet in Skokie, Illinois I used to
have.

Kujan grabs Verbal's shirt and yanks him half out of his
seat.

KUJAN
You think I don't know you held out on
the D.A.? What did you leave out of that
testimony? I can be on the phone to Ruby
Deemer in ten minutes.

VERBAL
The D.A. gave me immunity.

KUJAN
NOT FROM ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. THERE IS
NO IMMUNITY FROM ME. You atone with me or
the world you live in becomes the hell
you fear in the back of your tiny mind.
Every criminal I have put in prison,

YELLOW 06/11/94

KUJAN
every cop who owes me a favor, every
creeping scumbag that works the street
for a living, will know the name of
Verbal Kint. You'll be the lowest sort of
rat, the prince of snitches, the loudest
cooing stool pigeon that ever grabbed his
ankles for the man. Now you talk to me,
or that precious immunity they've seen so
fit to grant you won't be worth the paper
the contract put out on your life is
printed on.

Verbal looks at Kujan with utter contempt.

VERBAL
There was a lawyer. Kobayashi.
66.

KUJAN
Is he the one that killed Keaton?

VERBAL
No. But I'm sure Keaton's dead.

KUJAN
Convince me. Tell me every last detail.

52 SCENE DELETED 52
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Kujan accuses Verbal of covering for Keaton, who he believes is still alive. He threatens Verbal with retaliation if he doesn't give up everything he knows about Keaton and the events of the harbor heist.
Strengths "Tense dialogue and high stakes, revealing more about the complex relationships between the characters."
Weaknesses "Lack of action or major plot development in the scene."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is sharp and the tension between the characters is palpable. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the scene is missing a clear objective or goal for the characters. What do they want from each other in this scene? Kujan seems to be trying to get information from Verbal about Keaton's death, but it's not clear why Verbal is meeting with him or what he hopes to achieve.

Secondly, the dialogue could be tightened up in places. There are a few moments where the characters repeat themselves or say things that feel slightly redundant. Streamlining the dialogue could make the scene even more effective.

Finally, it's worth noting that this scene is quite heavy on exposition. A lot of information is being conveyed about the plot and characters, which can be useful, but also risks feeling too exposition-heavy and slowing down the pace of the story. Depending on the context of the scene within the larger screenplay, it may be worth considering how to balance exposition with action and character development.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict between Kujan and Verbal. Currently, the scene is mostly focused on Kujan interrogating Verbal and Verbal reluctantly giving information. To make the scene more engaging, consider adding more back and forth dialogue, where Verbal tries to evade Kujan's questions and Kujan becomes more aggressive in his tactics. Additionally, adding more physical action or movement could help increase the tension in the scene. For example, instead of Kujan just grabbing Verbal's shirt, perhaps he could pick up a nearby object and threaten him with it. Finally, consider introducing stakes or consequences that make the scene more urgent. For instance, maybe Kujan tells Verbal that if he doesn't give him the information he needs, he'll be sent to jail for something he didn't do, or that Kujan will have him killed if he doesn't co-operate.



Scene 17 -  The Witness and The Devil
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 6
53 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY 53

(<< >> DENOTES LINES SPOKEN IN HUNGARIAN)

Kovash's room is now filled with people. Jack Baer stands
next to DANIEL METZHEISER, a balding man in his forties. Next
to him is Doctor Plumber. Across from her is Ridgly Waiters.
Sitting beside the bed is TRACY FITZGERALD, a casually
dressed woman in her late twenties. She holds a 15x20 inch
drawing pad on her lap. Police fill the hall. People are
talking loudly outside. LIONEL BODI, a cop in his mid-
twenties pushes his way in.

BAER
Are you the translator?

BODI
Patrolman Lionel Bodi, sir.

YELLOW 06/11/94

PLUMBER
Agent Beer, this is getting out of hand.

BAER
I'11 see to it we're gone before he blows
his porch light, Doctor. Baer gestures to
Tracy.
67.

BAER
(to Bodi)
This is Tracy Fitzgerald. She's a
composite sketch artist from county.

The young couple smile at one another nervously.

BODI
Hi.

TRACY
Hi.

METZHEISER
(impatient)
I've got a noon meeting, Baer.

PLUMBER
Agent Baer, please.

BAER
Everyone calm down.
(to Bodi)
Ask this man about the shoot-out in the
harbor.

BODI
<<My name is Bodi. How are you'>>

Kovash smiles with relief when he hears his own language.

KOVASH
<<How am 17 You are as stupid as that
one, but at least I can talk to you.>>

BODI
<<You'll be alright. He is from the
F.B.I. He is here to help you. He wants
to know what happened in the harbor.>>

KOVASH
<<We were there to buy a man and take him
back to Hungary.>>
68.

YELLOW 06/11/94

BODI
He says they were buying It doesn't make
sense. I'm sorry, I'm a little rusty.
They were there to buy something.

BAER
Dope, we know.

KOVASH
<<You don't understand me either? God
help me, they are all idiots.
(talking slowly)
We were there to buy a man, you simple
boy. A witness. I don't know his name. A
witness who knew the Devil.>>

BODI
Not dope. Something else. Some what?.. He
doesn't know what they were buying. But
not dope... people.

KOVASH
<<I'll tell you everything. I'11 even say
it slow enough for you to understand it.
Just tell this man I want protection.
Real protection.>>

YELLOW 06/11/94

METZHEISER
Your witness is whacked, Baer.

BODI
He says he'll tell us everything he knows
if we protect him.

.BAER
Tell him fine.

BODI
<<He says that is fine.>>
69.

KOVASH
<<No, no, no. I need a guarantee from the
ridiculous man. I am going to be killed.
I have seen the Devil and looked him in
the eye.>>

BODI
No good. He needs guarantees. He says...
his life is in danger... He has seen the
Devil... looked him in the eye.

METZHEISER
I'11 be on my way.

Baer grabs Metzheiser by the arm.

BAER
(to Bodi)
Tell him to tell this man what he was
telling me before. Who is the Devil? Who
did he see?

BODI
<<Who is this Devil you keep talking
about?>>

KOVASH
Keyser Soze He was in the harbor shooting
everyone in sight.>>

Metzheiser is suddenly interested.

BODI
He says he saw him in the harbor. He was
shooting... Killing... Killing many men.

METZHEISER
Did he say Keyser Soze? He saw Keyser
Soze?
70.

YELLOW 06/11/94

BODI
He says he saw him in the harbor. He was
shooting... Killing... Killing many men.

METZHEISER
Did he say Keyser Soze? He saw Keyser
Soze.

KOVASH
<<Keyser Soze. Keyser Sate. I've seen his
face. I see it when I close my eyes.>>

BODI
He says he knows his face. He sees it
when he closes his eyes.

YELLOW 06/11/94

METZHEISER
Ask him what this Devil looks like.

BAER
(to Tracy)
Ready?

Tracy holds up her pad and pencil. She nods.

54 EXT. LOS ANGELES SKYLINE - DAY - FIVE WEEKS PRIOR 54

VERBAL (V.O.)
McManus' fence was this guy named
Redfoot. He had a good reputation around
L.A. Seemed like a good guy - Looked like
a cowhide full of thumbtacks.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Kovash, a witness in the harbor heist shooting, is in the hospital with FBI agent Baer, a doctor, a translator, and a sketch artist. Kovash reveals that they were there to buy a man who knew Keyser Soze, and he pleads for protection from the Devil. Metzheiser arrives and is interested in Kovash's mention of Keyser Soze. The scene ends with a voiceover from Verbal Kint talking about McManus' fence.
Strengths "Tightly focused on the witness, setting up a major plot point about Keyser Soze and his reputation."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat repetitive - Kovash is afraid for his life and wants protection. There is a lot of talking and not much action."
Critique Overall, the scene sets up the plot well and introduces the characters in a clear manner. However, there are some areas that could be improved.

Firstly, there are a lot of characters in the scene and it can be difficult for the audience to keep track of them all. Some of them are not introduced by name and it can be confusing to know who is who.

Secondly, the dialogue can feel clunky and unnatural at times. There are lines that feel forced and don't flow well.

Finally, there is a lack of visual action in the scene. It is mostly just people standing and talking, which makes it less engaging for the audience. Adding some movement or action could make the scene more dynamic.

Overall, there is potential in the scene, but it could benefit from some tightening up and refinement.
Suggestions Overall, this scene seems to lack clarity and focus. Here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not entirely clear why all these people are gathered in Kovash's hospital room or what they hope to achieve. Is Kovash a witness? Is he in danger? What is the FBI's interest in him? If you can clarify the stakes and establish a clear objective for the scene, it will make it more engaging for the audience.

2. Simplify the dialogue: There's a lot of back-and-forth between the characters, but it's not always clear who is saying what, especially when they are speaking in Hungarian. Try breaking up the dialogue into shorter, more focused exchanges, and use simple language so that the audience can follow along.

3. Use visual cues to help the audience understand what's happening: In a crowded room like this, it can be hard to keep track of all the characters. Consider using camera angles, blocking, and other visual cues to help the audience understand who is speaking and where they are located in the room.

4. Establish character relationships: We don't know anything about these characters, so it's hard to care about what's happening to them. Try establishing relationships and tensions between the characters so that their interactions feel more dynamic and meaningful.

5. Build tension: There's a lot of talking in this scene, but not a lot of action. Try building tension by introducing conflict or suspense. For example, maybe there's a sense that Kovash's life is in danger, or that someone in the room is not who they appear to be. If you can create a sense of impending danger or intrigue, it will keep the audience engaged.



Scene 18 -  Keaton's Guilt and Kujan's Accusations
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
55 EXT. FRIENDSHIP BELL - NIGHT 55

All five guys stand in a group. It is utterly quiet. An old
but well kept Cadillac creeps into the lot from the far end
and idles up to them. The windows are tinted too much to see
in. The car passes within a few feet of them and drives on.
71.
A moment later, a chrome and leather monster of a Harley
Davidson pulls into the lot. The rider is dressed in an
almost comical array of leather, silver and suede.

He waves to the Caddy as it parks a few yards from Keaton and
the others. It sits quietly, almost menacing.

As he gets closer, we can see he is wearing one black boot
and one red. Keaton is still looking at them when the bike
pulls up to them and stops.

REDFOOT and McManus shake hands.

REDFOOT
How've you been?

MCMANUS
Good. You?

REDFOOT
Alright. How's it going, Fenster?

FENSTER
Getting by.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

REDFOOT
You got it?

McManus holds up a briefcase.

Redfoot takes it and gets off the bike. He walks over to the
Caddy. The door of the Caddy opens. Redfoot hands the case to
Someone inside that we cannot see. The door closes.

KEATON
(whispering)
Snazzy dresser this guy.

A moment later, the door of the Caddy opens again. Someone
hands Redfoot a different briefcase and he walks back over to
McManus.

He hands him the case.
72.

McManus hands the case back to Hockney. Hockney opens it,
revealing the stacks of money inside.

REDFOOT
You must be Keaton.

MCMANUS
Jesus, I'm sorry. Redfoot, this is Dean
Keaton, that's Todd Hockney, and that's
Verbal Kint.

REDFOOT
(to Verbal)
The man with the plan.

Verbal smiles.

REDFOOT
Are you guys interested in more work?

McManus moves to answer, but Keaton cuts him off.

KEATON
We're on vacation.

REDFOOT
I've got a ton of work and no good
people.

MCMANUS
What's the job?

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Keaton shoots McManus a foul look. McManus pretends not to
notice.

REDFOOT
A jeweler out of Texas named Saul. He
rents a suite at a hotel downtown and
does free appraisals. Buys whatever he
can. Word is he moves with a lot of cash.
73.
I'11 take the merchandise, you keep the
green.

HOCKNEY
Security?

REDFOOT
Two bodyguards. Pretty good.

MCMANUS
Give us time to check it out?

REDFOOT
I'd expect nothing less.

MCMANUS
We'll call you.

REDFOOT
Take your time. Enjoy L.A.

KEATON
A friend of mine in New York tells me you
knew Spook Hollis.

REDFOOT
I hear you did time with old Spook. Yeah,
he was a good egg. I used to run a lot of
dope for him. Fuckin' shame he got
shivved.

KEATON
I shivved him.

Now McManus is shooting the angry look at Keaton.

KEATON
Better you hear it from me now than
somebody else later.

REDFOOT
Business or personal?
74.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

KEATON
A little of both.

REDFOOT
Ain't it a crime? Call if you're
interested.

Redfoot fires up his bike and takes off with the Caddy close
behind.

MCMANUS
(to Keaton)
What's your fucking problem?

KEATON
One job, that was the deal.

MCMANUS
Take it as it comes, brother.

KEATON
This is bullshit.

McManus laughs and walks away. Fenster and Hockney follow.
Verbal turns to Keaton.

VERBAL
What is it Keaton?

KEATON
(distant)
Something - I don't know.
(shaking himself)
I ever tell you about the restaurant I
wanted to open?

Keaton walks off. Verbal follows him in confusion.

VERBAL (V.O.)
L.A., was good for about two hours. We
were from New York.
75.
There's no place to eat after one; you
can't get a pizza that doesn't taste like
a fried fruit-bat, and the broads don't
want to know you if you don't look like a
broad. Within a few days the last of us
was ready to go back to N.Y., but Keaton
wouldn't have it, so he really didn't
have a choice. We went to work.

YELLOW 06/11/94
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary Kujan accuses Verbal of covering for Keaton, who he believes is still alive. Meanwhile, Kovash reveals to the FBI that they were there to buy a man who knew Keyser Soze.
Strengths "Tension-filled dialogue and character development"
Weaknesses "Lack of action or plot progression"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up the plot for the rest of the story. The description of the arrival of the Caddy and Harley Davidson creates a sense of tension and danger, while the introduction of Redfoot and the conversation about the upcoming job establishes the central conflict. The dialogue between the characters feels realistic and reveals their personalities and motivations.

One potential area for improvement is the exposition of Keaton's backstory with Spook Hollis. While it is important for the audience to understand his connection to Redfoot and his motivation for taking the job, the reveal could be handled more subtly or integrated more seamlessly into the conversation. Additionally, some more description of the characters' actions and emotions could help the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.

Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively advances the plot and introduces key characters and conflicts.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension and suspense: The scene is lacking in tension, which is essential for a scene where a deal is going down. Consider adding more suspenseful elements, such as making the arrival of each vehicle seem ominous or adding ominous music to heighten the sense of danger.

2. Develop the characters more: The characters in this scene feel one-dimensional. It would be a good idea to add more backstory to each character to make them more relatable and intriguing. This would not only make the scene more interesting, but also make us care more about the characters.

3. Show, don't tell: There is a lot of dialogue in this scene that could have been shown through action instead, such as the exchange of briefcases. By showing this, it would make the scene more visually interesting and would give the audience a break from all the dialogue.

4. Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue: There is a lot of dialogue in this scene that doesn't really add much, such as the discussion about the restaurant that Keaton wanted to open. By cutting some of this dialogue, it would make the scene more focused and tighter, and would also help to improve the pacing.



Scene 19 -  Parking Garage Heist
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
56 INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT 56

McManus walks along a line of cars. He comes across a black
Mercedes and stops. He looks down at the license plate and
walks over to the next car, a green Honda. He pulls a slim-
jim out of his jacket and pops the lock an the Honda. He
reaches in and opens the hood. He walks around and sticks his
head in the engine.

57 INT. VAN 57

Verbal sits behind the wheel. Keaton is beside him. Hockney
and Fenster are in the back. They all watch McManus from
where they are parked a few dozen yards away.

58 INT. PARKING GARAGE 58

DING-DING

The elevator bell sounds at the far end of the garage. The
doors open. Two men in ill-fitting suits get out and look
around cautiously. The first is TUCCI, a big bellied, white
haired menace. The other is HIGHAM, lean and bad skinned.
They are bodyguards and give it away by their every careful
move.

They turn back to the elevator and motion to someone inside.

Out walks SAUL BERG, a slightly overweight man in his forties
with an open collar silk shirt and a thick gold chain on his
hairy chest. He carries a LARGE ALUMINUM BRIEFCASE.
76.

He lets his guards do the worrying. He walks straight to his
car.

Saul passes McManus under the hood of the Honda. He takes out
his keys and pushes a button on his key chain. The Mercedes
beeps three times and tells Saul his alarm is off.

Tucci keeps an eye on McManus. Higham watches Saul.

McManus pretends to tinker with the car's engine. He has put
a pistol just inside the grill and keeps it within reach.

The van on the other side of the garage starts and pulls out
of the spot. It cruises over toward the Mercedes.

Tucci sees the van. He and Higham are suddenly busy trying to
keep track. They hear laughing behind them and turn around.

YELLOW 06/11/94

FENSTER and HOCKNEY are walking towards them. They are
sporting mustaches and sunglasses in addition to matching
suits, each with loud plaid sport coats, decades out of
style. Saul glances at Tucci and Higham.

HIGHAM
Just get in the car Saul.

Under the hood of the Honda and out of sight, McManus pulls
on a black ski mask. The van gets closer.

HOCKNEY
I get out of the car, and man if the
thing wasn't wrecked. And I see this
broad in the back seat with nothing on.

Saul gets in the car quickly but calmly as Fenster and
Hockney laugh and talk louder. They look drunk - The desired
effect.

HOCKNEY
I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe -
77.

Tucci and Higham try to take it all in stride. Saul's reverse
lights come on and he begins to back out of the spot.

HOCKNEY
...And the fat guy comes out of the car
with his pants on backwards and says -

SUDDENLY, the van revs and screeches to a halt behind Saul's
Mercedes, blocking him in. Hockney and Fenster drop the drunk
act and snap to. They both pull out guns and start screaming.

HOCKNEY
DON'T MOVE, YOU FUCKERS.

FENSTER
RIGHT THERE. FREEZE.

McManus comes up from under the hood.

Tucci and Higham throw their hands in the air. Hockney and
Fenster grab them and reach into their belts to get their
guns.

Keaton jumps out of the van and runs up to Saul's car, his
face covered in a ski mask. He yanks on the door handle but
it is locked. Saul sits in terror behind the wheel. Keaton
pulls out a pistol and smashes the window with it.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
Give me the case.

Saul reaches over for the case. Keaton trains the gun on him.

SUDDENLY, Saul comes up with a pistol and points it at
Keaton. Keaton sidesteps and grabs his wrist. The gun goes
off into the fender of the Honda.

Hockney and Fenster both look over at the sound of the gun.

Tucci and Higham seize the opportunity. Tucci grabs Hockney,
Higham grabs Fenster. The four men grapple for the guns.
78.

Fenster's gun falls to the floor. McManus picks it up. He
trains a pistol on each bodyguard and takes a breath. They
are some ten feet apart and moving erratically. Hockney and
Fenster constantly fall in the line of fire.

McManus walks around the four men, keeping a pistol trained
on each of the guards. Finally he comes to an angle where
they are all in front of him. One guard is a few feet away,
the other is ten feet past him.

McMANUS' P.O.V.

The closer of the two moves in and out of the sights of the
pistol in McManus' right hand, the one farther away does the
same with the left.

Verbal gets out of the van and moves towards them to help.

BOOM

Both of McManus' guns go off like one shot. Tucci and Higham
collapse, each with a bullet in his head

PAUSE

The only sound is Saul grappling with Keaton for the gun. His
arm is halfway out the window. His elbow rests in the door
frame.

Keaton cannot get the gun out of his hand. Finally, he pushes
down with all his weight. Saul's elbow breaks backwards on
the door frame. He screams in agony. The gun falls from his
hand.

BLUE 06/01/94

All five of the men look at each other for an impossibly long
moment. The confusion is only aggravated by Saul's screaming.

SLOWLY, Keaton raises his pistol and aims it at Saul. His
hand trembles, his eyes squint to near slits. His finger
tenses and slacks off over and over again on the trigger.

BOOM
79.

VERBAL SHOOTS SAUL. Keaton looks at him in surprise. Verbal
trembles more than he does.

The garage is silent.

HOCKNEY
What the hell?

MCMANUS
Bad day. Fuck it.

DING-DING

The elevator light comes on. All five men look.

KEATON
Move.

Keaton reaches into the car and grabs Saul's case. Everyone
else piles into the van. Keaton gets in as Verbal is driving
for the exit.
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary The group executes a heist in a parking garage, but it quickly goes wrong as guards and bodyguards get in the way. Shots are fired and chaos ensues as they try to grab a large aluminum briefcase from a man named Saul, who eventually gets shot and killed by Verbal.
Strengths "Intense action and suspense."
Weaknesses "Some characters can be hard to distinguish from one another."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-constructed and engaging. The tension builds effectively as the group of criminals executes their plan and the bodyguards and their client enter the scene. The dialogue between the criminals is entertaining and helps to establish their characters.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon. Firstly, it is not clear what the purpose of McManus tinkering with the car's engine is. It seems to be a ruse to conceal the fact that he is armed, but this could be made clearer. Additionally, the sudden shift from the criminals pretending to be drunk to them brandishing weapons and shouting at the bodyguards is a bit abrupt and could be smoothed out.

Finally, while the shooting at the end of the scene is impactful, there is no real explanation for why Verbal shoots Saul. It seems to come out of nowhere and is not motivated by anything we have seen in the scene. Providing more context or foreshadowing for this action would make it more satisfying and believable.
Suggestions 1. Character development: While the scene sets up the heist, it doesn't give much insight into the characters' personalities or motives. Adding some dialogue or actions that reveal personal quirks and traits would make the characters more interesting and multi-dimensional.

2. Better pacing: The scene feels rushed, with too many actions happening simultaneously. It might be better to break up the action into more manageable sections, perhaps by having the bodyguards and Saul enter the garage later, giving the characters more time to establish their roles.

3. Heightened stakes: While the scene is tense, it doesn't feel particularly dangerous or risky. Adding a sense of urgency or raising the stakes could make it more exciting. Maybe the group is on a tight timeline, giving them no room for error, or they discover that the authorities are closing in on them.

4. More visual descriptions: The scene is almost entirely dialogue and actions, with little description of the environment or the characters' physical appearance. Adding more sensory details would give the reader a better sense of the atmosphere and create a more immersive experience.



Scene 20 -  The Deal Goes Wrong
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
59 INT. VAN 59

The mood in the van is grim. Everyone is silent. Keaton pops
the clasps on the case and opens it.

KEATON
Son of a bitch.

Everyone looks in the case. It is filled with cash on one
side. The other side is filled with clear plastic bags of
WHITE POWDER.

60 EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 60

Keaton and the others stand in silhouette in front of the
lights of an oncoming car in the distance. We can make out
McManus loading a gun.

KEATON
What are you doing?
80.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MCMANUS
What does it look like? I'm going to kill
him.

KEATON
We did it your way. Now I'11 deal with
him.

MCMANUS
You gonna kill him?

KEATON
I'm going to deal with him.

The car, Redfoot's escort Caddy, is now in front of them. The
horn lets out three short blasts.

Redfoot comes around from behind the Caddy on his motorcycle.
He gets off the bike, trying to hide a faint smile. McManus
throws Saul's case on the ground in front of him.

MCMANUS
What the fuck is this, Redfoot?

REDFOOT
Get a grip. I didn't know.

KEATON
You didn't know.

YELLOW 06/11/94

REDFOOT
The job got thrown to me by this lawyer.

KEATON
Who is he?

REDFOOT
Some Limey. He's a middle-man for
somebody. He doesn't say and I don't ask.
81.

KEATON
We want to meet him.

REDFOOT
He wants to meet you. He called last
night and asked me to set it up. What do
I tell him'

KEATON
Tell him we'll meet.

MCMANUS
If you're lying, Redfoot...

REDFOOT
McManus, you're a real bad-ass, but get
off my tip.

McManus lunges for Redfoot.

The Caddy doors instantly pop open and rifle barrels come
into view from within.

Fenster and Hockney draw guns and aim at the Caddy. Keaton
and Verbal grab McManus and hold him back. Redfoot gets on
his Harley, smiling defiantly.

REDFOOT
Real shame about Saul getting whacked.
Lot's of cops looking for the guys that
did it. I'm sure they'll get around to
asking me.

He starts his bike.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MCMANUS
Fuck you.

Redfoot drives off..The Caddy waits until he is completely
out of sight before following.
82.

61 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT 61

KUJAN
So this lawyer...

VERBAL
Kobayashi.

KUJAN
Came from Redfoot.

VERBAL
Right.

KUJAN
And why leave this out when you talked to
the D.A.?

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Rabin sticks his head in.

RABIN
Someone to see you, Agent Kujan.

Kujan steps out into the hall, shutting the door behind him.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, the group of criminals open the briefcase they stole and find it filled with money and drugs. They meet up with Redfoot, who claims to have received the job from a mysterious lawyer, and arrange a meeting with him. However, tensions rise when Redfoot reveals he didn't know about the drugs and McManus tries to attack him. Redfoot leaves on his motorcycle while the group is left to deal with the fallout.
Strengths "Tense atmosphere, good use of dialogue to reveal character motivations, interesting plot developments."
Weaknesses "Some elements of the plot feel contrived, tension could have been built up more gradually."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The tension is palpable as the characters react to the discovery of the cash and white powder in Saul's case. The dialogue is snappy and realistic, with each character revealing their personalities and motivations through their words and actions.

One area for improvement could be to add more visual descriptions to enhance the scene. For example, instead of just stating that the group stands in silhouette in front of the lights of an oncoming car, the writer could describe the specific colors and angles of the light, adding to the overall mood and atmosphere.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific details about the characters' physical actions. For example, when McManus loads a gun, the writer could describe exactly how he handles the gun and what his facial expression is, adding to the tension of the moment.

Overall, however, this scene effectively advances the plot and builds suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict between the characters. The silent mood in the van should be heightened with physical actions or gestures, such as Keaton clenching his fists or McManus tapping his foot nervously. Additionally, the dialogue between Keaton and McManus should escalate, with more yelling and threatening tones to emphasize the tension and danger of the situation.

Furthermore, the actions and movements of the characters can be more clearly described. For example, when Redfoot gets off his motorcycle, it could be emphasized how he tries to hide a faint smile, which adds a layer of deceit to his character. The scene would benefit from more physical and visual details to heighten the suspense and drama for the audience.

Finally, the scene could be expanded to reveal more about the characters' motivations and backstories, such as why McManus is so quick to jump to violence and who the Limey lawyer is and what his connection to the plot is. This can add depth and intrigue to the characters and plot, making for a more engaging and captivating story for the audience to follow.



Scene 21 -  Revelation of Keyser Soze
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
62 INT. OUTSIDE RABIN'S OFFICE 62

Kujan smiles instantly, recognizing the man standing with
Rabin.

KUJAN
Jack. What are you doing here?

BAER
I've been looking all over for you. You
still after the coke that walked out of
that blood bath in the harbor?

KUJAN
Yeah.
83.

BAER
You can stop looking. There was no coke.
I've been in L.A. county with a guy they

PINK 06/07/94

BAER
pulled out of a drainpipe in San Pedro
yesterday after the shoot-out. He came to
this morning and started talking. He was
part of a Hungarian mob there to do a
deal with a bunch of goats from
Argentina. He says it was definitely not
a dope deal.

KUJAN
There was ninety-one million -

BAER
We know, but our man says no way on the
dope. This Hungarian tells me the whole
bunch was pulling stumps for Turkey the
next' day. They had no time to negotiate
that kind of product and no means to move
it.

KUJAN
What was the money for?

BAER
He didn't know. No one doing the deal
knew except a few key people. This guy
says they were real hush about it.
Whatever it was it was highly sensitive.

KUJAN
I don't get it.

BAER
They tell me you got the cripple from New
York in there. He mention Keyser Soze?
84.

KUJAN
Who?

BAER
Bear with me here...

63 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - LATER 63

BOOM - The door bursts open.

KUJAN
Who is Keyser Soze?

Verbal looks up in shock. He drops his cigarette and trembles
at the mere mention of the name.

YELLOW 06/11/94

VERBAL
Ahhh fuck.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Kujan and Baer inform each other about the harbor heist and its aftermath. They discover that it wasn't a drug deal but a highly sensitive transaction, and the mention of Keyser Soze's name rattles the usually composed Verbal.
Strengths "Builds on the mystery and intrigue surrounding the character of Keyser Soze"
Weaknesses "Not much happens in terms of plot development"
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and the pacing is good. However, one potential area of improvement would be to give more visual context to the setting, so the reader can better imagine the scene and the characters' actions. Additionally, it would be helpful to provide more characterization of the new character, Baer, to help readers connect with him and understand his motivations and backstory.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Develop the characters: so far, we know very little about Kujan, Baer, and Verbal, and it's hard to care about what they're saying if we don't have a reason to be interested in them. Show us more about their personalities, their motivations, and their relationships with each other.
- Build tension: the scene starts with Kujan recognizing Baer and smiling, which doesn't create much anticipation. Consider starting with a more suspenseful setup, such as Kujan waiting nervously outside Rabin's office before being approached by Baer.
- Add more subtext: the dialogue is mostly straightforward, with characters simply exchanging information. Try adding layers of subtext to their conversations, so that they are saying one thing but meaning another. For example, Kujan might be trying to extract information from Baer without revealing too much about his own involvement in the case.
- Use visuals: the scene is mostly dialogue-heavy, which can become monotonous for the audience. Think about how you can incorporate visual elements to keep the audience engaged. For example, you could show Baer handing a file to Kujan with the details of the investigation, or have Verbal's hands shaking as he tries to light another cigarette.
- End on a cliffhanger: the scene ends abruptly with Verbal saying "Ahhh fuck." Consider having another character enter the scene at that moment, or having Verbal reveal a piece of information that changes the direction of the plot, leaving the audience on the edge of their seats.



Scene 22 -  The Offer
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
64 INT. HOLLYWOOD ATHLETIC CLUB - DAY - TWO WEEKS PRIOR 64

Keaton stands while the rest sit and listen.

KEATON
So I need to know if anyone can think of
anybody. Somebody with power. Enough to
possibly track us from New York.

MCMANUS
Look. We've been over it for an hour now.
I say we pack up and run. Let's go back
to New York. At least get out of L.A.

SUDDENLY, The sound of a man clearing his throat. Everyone
turns to the door behind them. MR. KOBAYASHI a tall, slim,
well groomed man stands in the hall. He has a briefcase in
his hand. He smiles politely.

KOBAYASHI
Mr. Keaton?
85.

Keaton stands back and lets him in. Kobayashi looks them
over.

KOBAYASHI
I am Mr. Kobayashi. I've been asked by my
employer to bring a proposal to you
gentlemen. That must be Mr. Hockney. I
recognize Mr. Fenster from his mug shot,
as well as Mr. McManus.
(to Verbal)
I can only assume that you are Mr. Kint.
I believe you were the one who disposed
of Saul. My employer sends his gratitude.
A most unexpected benefit.

Everyone looks at one another in shock that he would know
this.

KEATON
What can we do for you?

BLUE 06/01/94

KOBAYASHI
My employer requires your services. One
job. One day's work. Very dangerous. I
don't expect all of you to live, but
those who do will have ninety-one million
dollars to divide any way they see fit.

KEATON
Who's your boss?

KOBAYASHI
My employer wishes to remain anonymous.

KEATON
Don't jerk me off. We all know what this
is. You don't work with me if I work with
you without knowing who I'm working for.
Now let's cut the shit. Who's the man?
86.

KOBAYASHI
I work for Keyser Sate.

A strange look crosses Keaton's face. Skepticism, mockery and
just a hint of fear. Hockney, McManus and Fenster all share
similar looks.

KEATON
What is this?

VERBAL
Who's Keyser Soze?

KOBAYASHI
I am sure you've heard a number of tall
tales, myths and legends about Mr. Soze I
can assure you gentlemen, most of them
are true.

VERBAL
Who's Keyser Soze?

KOBAYASHI
Judging by the sudden change in mood, I
am sure the rest of your associates can
tell you, Mr. Kint. I have come with an
offer directly from Mr. Soze. An order
actually.

KEATON
An order.

BLUE 06/01/94

KOBAYASHI
In nineteen-eighty one, Mr. Keaton, you
participated in the hijacking of a truck
in Buffalo, New York. The cargo was raw
steel. Steel that belonged to Mr. Soze
and was destined for Pakistan to be used
in a Nuclear reactor. A very profitable
violation of U.N. Regulations.
87.
You had no way of knowing this, because
the man shipping the steel was working
for Mr. Sate without his knowledge.
(beat)
Mr. Fenster and Mr. McManus hijacked a
twin-prop cargo flight earlier this year
out of Newark airport. The plane was
carrying platinum and gold wiring. Also
set for Pakistan.

Kobayashi turns and points at Hockney.

KOBAYASHI
Two months ago, Mr. Hockney stole a truck
carrying gun parts through Queens -

Everyone looks at Hockney. He smiles shyly. It occurs to them
all that he robbed the truck for which they were all arrested
in the first place.

KOBAYASHI
- guns allegedly set to be destroyed by
the state of New York. They were to be
"lost" in a weigh station and routed to
Belfast. Again, Mr. Sate using pawns who
had no knowledge.
(turning to Verbal)
Which brings us to Mr. Kint.

Verbal crumbles under his stare.

KOBAYASHI
Nine months ago, one of Mr. Soze less
than intelligent couriers was taken in a
complicated confidence seam by a cripple.
He was relieved of sixty-two thousand
dollars. Now
(to all of them)
- It has taken us some time to find you.
Our intention was to approach you after
your apprehension in New York.
88.

BLUE 06/01/94

KEATON
You set up the line-up.

KOBAYASHI
Mr. Soze made a few calls, yes. You were
not to be released until I came to see
you. It seems Mr. Keaton's attorney, Ms.
Finneran, was a bit too effective in
expediting his release. Holding the rest
of you became a moot point.

KEATON
What about Redfoot?

KOBAYASHI
Mr. Redfoot knew nothing. Mr. Soze rarely
t works with the same people for very
long, and they never know who they're
working for. One cannot be betrayed if
one has no people.

FENSTER
So why tell us?

KOBAYASHI
Because you have stolen from Mr. Soze.
That you did not know you stole from him
is the only reason you are still alive,
but he feels you owe him. You will repay
your debt.

HOCKNEY
Who is this guy? How do we know you work
for Soze

KOBAYASHI
I don't think that is relevant, Mr.
Hockney. The five of you are responsible
for the murder of Saul Berg and his
bodyguards.
89.
Mr. Redfoot can attest to your
involvement, and we can see to it that he
will. He is not of your "superior" breed.

MCMANUS
This is a load of shit.

KOBAYASHI
The offer is this, gentlemen. Mr. Soze's
primary interest, as I am sure you all
know, is narcotics. He's been - competing
shall we say, with a group of

YELLOW 06/11/94

KOBAYASHI
Argentinians for several years. Competing
with Mr. Soze has taken its toll. These
Argentinians are negotiating the sale of
ninety-one million dollars in cocaine in
three days time. Needless to say, this
purchase will revitalize the diminishing
strength of their organization. Mr. Soze
wants you to stop the deal. If you
choose, you may wait until the buy.
Whatever money changes hands is yours.
The transaction will take place on a boat
in San Pedro. Mr. Soze wants you to get
to the boat and destroy the cocaine on
board. Then you are free of your
obligation to Mr. Soze.

KEATON
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't
kill you right now.

Kobayashi smiles and puts his briefcase on the table in front
of him.

KOBAYASHI
A gift from Mr. Soze gentlemen.

He turns and walks out of the room.
90.

Keaton walks over to the case and opens it. He reaches in and
pulls out five thick manila envelopes, each marked in bold
black letters. "KEATON", "McMANUS", "HOCKNEY", "FENSTER" and
"KINT"

Keaton pulls out the files, revealing a map underneath.

Keaton hands each man his file. He opens his first. He pulls
out a thick stack of papers and thumbs through them.

KEATON
Jesus Christ. Open them.

All of the men open their files. Inside are mug shots of each
man in his respective file as well as a printout of his
criminal record. But there is more.

HOCKNEY
They know everything.

MCMANUS
This is my life in here. Everything I've
done since I was eighteen.

BLUE 06/01/94

FENSTER
Everybody I ever worked with, did time
with.

HOCKNEY
They fucking know everything.

Keaton pulls out a large black and white photograph of
himself and his lawyer EDIE FINNERAN. They are laughing arm
in arm by a fountain in New York. He hides the photo from the
others.

KEATON
This is not right.
91.

FENSTER
I don't know. Who was that guy that used
to talk about Soze in New York?

MCMANUS
Bricks Marlin.

FENSTER
Yeah. He said he did jobs for him.
Indirect stuff. Always five times more
money than the job was worth.

KEATON
Come on. The guy is a pipe dream. This
Kobayashi is using him for window
dressing.

FENSTER
I don't know. This is bad.

HOCKNEY
It's bullshit. This guy could be L.A.P.D.
I think it's a setup.

FENSTER
The way I hear it, Soze is some kind of
butcher. No pity.

KEATON
There' is no Keyser Soze.

Verbal thumbs through his file. A long list of names,
numbers, addresses. It is a detailed portfolio of his entire
criminal and personal life. He looks up at Keaton.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL
Who is Keyser Soze
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary The criminals are approached by Mr. Kobayashi, who works for the mysterious Keyser Soze. They are offered a job to stop a drug deal, with the incentive of a large sum of money. The criminals receive envelopes with detailed information about their criminal histories. Tensions rise as some question the legitimacy of the job and the involvement of Keyser Soze.
Strengths "The tension and suspense in the scene are very strong. The reveal of Keyser Soze's involvement is a major plot development. The personal files given to each criminal add depth to the characters."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be slightly unrealistic and heavy-handed at times. Some character reactions seem forced or out of character."
Critique ?

Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue that effectively builds tension and reveals important information about the characters and their criminal history. The introduction of Mr. Kobayashi and his proposal to the group adds a new layer of complexity to the story and sets up the central conflict of the film. The use of the files to reveal each character's criminal history is a smart device that allows for exposition without feeling too forced. However, there are a few small issues that could be improved upon. For example, some of the exposition feels a bit heavy-handed, particularly in the way that Mr. Kobayashi lays out each character's criminal history. In addition, while the scene does a good job of establishing the stakes and the threat posed by Keyser Soze, we don't yet have a clear sense of who he is or what motivates him. This could potentially be addressed in later scenes, but it feels like a bit of a missed opportunity here. Overall, though, the scene is a strong start to the story and effectively sets up the central conflict.
Suggestions ?

As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions for improving this scene would be:

1. Establishing clearer character arcs: At this point in the story, there isn't enough development in the characters for the audience to fully understand their motivations and why they would be hesitant to work for Keyser Soze. Giving each character more depth and backstory would make their reactions to the offer more impactful and engaging for the audience.

2. Adding more tension: While the arrival of Mr. Kobayashi is certainly a moment of surprise, the scene could benefit from more tension. Perhaps have the group argue more about their next move before Kobayashi arrives, or have them visibly uneasy while he's speaking.

3. Simplifying dialogue: While the dialogue does a good job of introducing the threat of Keyser Soze and his power, it could be simplified to make it easier for the audience to follow. Some of the lines are quite lengthy and could be cut down without losing their impact.

4. Using visual cues: The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the tension and build-up. For example, showing shots of the characters' reactions as Kobayashi lists their crimes could add to their shock and fear.

5. Revealing Keyser Soze earlier: While the mystery surrounding Keyser Soze is certainly intriguing, it may be more impactful to reveal his power earlier in the story. This would give the audience a greater understanding of the stakes and the lengths the characters will have to go to in order to escape his grasp.



Scene 23 -  The Legend of Keyser Söze
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
65 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT 65

Kujan leans into Verbal's face. He hangs on his every word.
92.

VERBAL
He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say
his father was German. Nobody believed he
was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew
anybody that ever worked directly for
him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it,
anybody could have worked for Soze. You
never knew. That was his power. The
greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was
convincing the world he didn't exist. One
story the guys told me - the story I
believe - was from his days in Turkey.
There was a petty gang of Hungarians that
wanted their own mob. They realized that
to be in power you didn't need guns or
money or even numbers. You just needed
the will to do what the other guy
wouldn't. After a while they come to
power, and then they come after Soze He
was small time then, just running dope,
they say...

66 SCENE DELETED 66

67 INT. SOZE'S HOME - DAY 67

Three of the Hungarians come bursting into Keyser Soze's
+ home. They grab his five children and round them up in the
front room. One of the men grabs his wife and back-hands her
across the face.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
They come to his home in the afternoon
looking for his business. They find his
wife and kids in the house and decide to
wait for Sate.

68 INT. SOZE'S HOME - LATER 68

The front door opens and in walks Keyser Sate. We are never
allowed to see his face.
93.
Sate's wife lies in the corner, beaten and bruised. Her dress
is tattered to shreds. She cannot look up at her husband.

The three Hungarians stand to greet him. Two hold guns in
their hands. The third holds a straight razor. He grabs Soze
youngest boy and holds the razor to his throat.

VERBAL (V.O.)
He comes home to his wife raped and his
children screaming. The Hungarians knew
Soze was tough. Not to be trifled with.
So they let him know they meant business.

The Hungarian smiles. Soze's wife SCREAMS IN HORROR. The
Hungarian holds up a BLOOD SOAKED RAZOR. SUDDENLY, he grabs
another child. A little girl no older than six.

VERBAL (V.O.)
They tell Soze they want his territory -
all his business. Soze looks over the
faces of his family... Then he showed
these men of will what will really was.

SUDDENLY, Soze pulls out a pistol and shoots the two men with
guns. He turns and aims at the third man holding his child.

The man threatens to cut the child's throat, slicing just
enough to draw blood.

SOZE FIRES.

The stunned Hungarian watches the child fall from his arms.
Sate turns the pistol on the next child, then the next and
the next. He kills his children one by one in front of the
Hungarian.

PINK 06/07/94

VERBAL (V.O.)
He tells him he would rather' see his
family dead than live another day after
this.
94.

SOZE walks over to his wife, crying and beaten on the floor
and holds up her head. She gives him the strangest look. One
of trust perhaps, saturated with fear and humiliation.

He puts the gun between her eyes and fires.

VERBAL (V.O.)
He lets the last Hungarian go, and he
goes running. He waits until his wife and
kids are in the ground and he goes after
the rest of the mob. He kills their kids,
he kills their wives, he kills their
parents and their parents' friends.

A dark and looming figure of a man walks in front of a wall
of fire - a black shadow blurred by waves of heat.

VERBAL (V.O.)
He burns down the houses they live in and
the stores they work in, he kills people
that owe them money. And like that he was
gone. Underground. No one has ever seen
him again. He becomes a myth, a spook
story that criminals tell their kids at
night. If you rat on your pop, Keyser
Sate will get you. And nobody really ever
believes.

69 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY 69

KUJAN
Do you believe in him, Verbal?

VERBAL
Keaton always said: "I don't believe in
God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I
believe in God, and the only thing that
scares me is Keyser SOZE.

70 INT. WORKSHOP 70

Jack Baer and Rabin listen to Verbal on the speaker with one
ear.
95.

RABIN
You give this any weight, Agent Baer?

PINK 06/07/94

BAER
I can introduce you to Dan Metzheiser
from Justice. He has a file on Sate in
D.C. It's been a hobby of his for a few
years. A lot of guys equate him to that
reporter on the Incredible Hulk.

RABIN
Had you heard of him before?

BAER
On the street? A few times. Outside
stuff. Somebody was working for a guy who
was working for a guy who got money
through Keyser Soze. That kind of shit.
Could be an old badge. A hex sign to keep
people from fucking with you back when a
name meant something.

RAB IN
But you're here.

BAER
Shit yeah. I got a guy trying to walk out
of the hospital on d fried drumstick to
get away from SOZE. I'11 run it up the
flagpole.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Verbal explains the myth surrounding Keyser Söze, revealing a horrific story of how he avenged the murder of his family. Kujan and Baer become highly interested in Söze's lore.
Strengths "Establishes the power and intimidation of Keyser S\u00f6ze's character"
Weaknesses "Minimal action or visual stimulation - relies heavily on dialogue"
Critique This scene is well-written and effectively sets up the character of Keyser Soze as a fearsome and ruthless figure. The use of Verbal's narration to tell the story is a clever narrative device and allows the scene to play out without dialogue, which creates a sense of tension and unease. The scene also effectively incorporates flashbacks to provide a visual aspect to Soze's backstory. The scene is successful in building up the mythology and legend surrounding Keyser Soze, leaving the audience both intrigued and scared of the character. Overall, the scene is well-crafted and engaging.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more visual elements to the story. Right now, the scene relies heavily on Verbal's voiceover to convey the story of Keyser Soze. Adding in more specific images and actions would help make the story more engaging for the audience. For example, showing the Hungarians breaking into Soze's home and grabbing his children, and then cutting back to Verbal's narration could heighten the tension and drama. Additionally, adding more detail to the characters and their motivations could enhance the audience's investment in the story. Finally, cutting down on some of the exposition and allowing for more action and dialogue between Kujan and Verbal could also make the scene more exciting.



Scene 24 -  Dealing with Kobayashi
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
71 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 71

VERBAL
I came clean. I told it like it happened
on the boat. So what if I left out how I
got there? It's got so many holes in it,
the D.A. would've told me to blow amnesty
out my ass. So you got what you wanted
out of me. Big fucking deal.
96.

KUJAN
And this is why you never told the D.A.

VERBAL
You tell me, Agent Kujan. If I told you
the Loch Ness Monster hired me to hit the
harbor, what would you say?

KUJAN
Turn state's evidence. Take the stand on
this and we'll hear it out.

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL
I've got immunity now. What can you
possibly offer me?

KUJAN
If there is a Keyser Soze he'll be
looking for you.

VERBAL
Where's your head, Agent Kujan? Where do
you think the pressure's coming from?
Keyser Soze - or whatever you want to
call him - knows where I am right now.
He's got the front burner under' your ass
to let me go so he can scoop me up ten
minutes later. Immunity was just to deal
with you assholes. I got a whole new
problem when I post bail.

KUJAN
So why play into his hands? We can
protect you.

VERBAL
Gee, thanks, Dave. Bang-up job so far.
Extortion, coercion. You'll pardon me if
I ask you to kiss my pucker.
97.
The same fuckers that rounded us up and
sank us into this mess are telling me
They'll bail me out? Fuck you. You think
you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a
guy like that comes this close to getting
fingered and sticks his head out? If he
comes up for anything, it will be to get
rid of me.
(beat)
After that, my guess is you'll never hear
from him again.

72 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 72

Doctor Plumber watches from out in the hall.
Kovash spits out a constant river of Hungarian while Bodi
tries to keep up, relaying everything to Tracy Fitzgerald.

She sketches frantically while Daniel Metzheiser looks on.

The composite sketch of Keyser SOZE is taking form.

BLUE 06/01/94

(<< >> Denotes liners spoken in Hungarian.)

BODI
<<What sort of nose did he have?>>

KOVASH
<<It was smaller than that. Sharper.>>

BODI
(To Tracy)
The nose is sharper. Smaller too.
(to Arkosh in Hung.)
<<And what about the hair? You said
something earlier about it.>>

KOVASH
<<It is longer than that. And not so
dark. >>
98.

BODI
<<Are you sure?>>

KOVASH
<<Don't be stupid.>>

BODI
(to Tracy)
He says the hair is longer and lighter.

PINK 06/07/94

73 EXT. BEACH - DAY 73

Waves pound across a stone jetty. A MAN sits fishing while
his young son, BRANDO strolls toward the open sea.

He pokes at rocks and seaweed with a fishing pole. He glances
down at Something wedged between the rocks beneath his feet.
He pokes at it. He notes the checkered pattern of the fabric
entwined with the twisted mess. It is the bloated carcass of
THE MAN IN THE CHECKERED BATHROBE. BRANDO pokes it's eye with
the fishing pole. It pops.

74 SCENE DELETED/DIALOGUE MOVED 74

PINK 06/07/94

75 INT RABIN'S OFFICE 75

VERBAL
That was how I ended up in a barber shop
quartet in Skokie, Illinois.

KUJAN
This is totally irrelevant.

VERBAL
Oh, but it's not. If I hadn't been nailed
in Illinois for running a three card
monte in between sets, I never would have
took off for New York.
99.
I never would have met Keaton, see. That
barber shop quartet was the reason for
everything.

KUJAN
Can we just get back to Kobayashi?

VERBAL
The quartet is part of the bit about
Kobayashi. The quartet was in my file,
along with every other thing I had done
since high school, see? Aliases, middle-
men. They knew me better than I did. They
knew all of us.

Kujan looks at his watch.

KUJAN
You're stalling, Verbal.

VERBAL
Give a guy a break, huh?

KUJAN
What happened?

Verbal slumps a bit. He realizes his stalling tactic has
failed.

VERBAL
We woke up the next morning and Fenster
was gone. He couldn't handle the idea of
slumming for SOZE. He left a note wishing
us good luck and took a chunk of the
money we'd scraped together.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

KUJAN
Then what?
100.

VERBAL
McManus was furious. He was talking about
tracking him down and ripping his heart
out and all sorts of shit. That night we
got the call.

KUJAN
What call?

VERBAL
Kobayashi told us where we could find
Fenster.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Verbal discusses his immunity deal with Agent Kujan and expresses doubt about the protection offered against Keyser Soze. Meanwhile, the sketch artist creates a composite drawing of Soze based on the Hungarian's description. The scene ends with Verbal revealing that Kobayashi has informed them of Fenster's location.
Strengths "Character development through dialogue, tension-filled atmosphere"
Weaknesses "Limited action, some slow pacing"
Critique Overall, this scene seems well-constructed and serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot. The dialogue between Verbal and Kujan is tense and engaging, with Verbal revealing his doubts about the investigation and his fear of Keyser Soze. The scene also includes some interesting moments of storytelling, such as the revelation about Verbal's past in a barber shop quartet, which ties into the larger narrative about Kobayashi and Keyser Soze. However, without more context about the larger story and characters, it is difficult to fully evaluate the scene's effectiveness in the overall screenplay.
Suggestions One suggestion for improving this scene would be to add more action and visual elements to break up the dialogue-heavy scene. For example, instead of just having Verbal and Kujan sitting in Rabin's office, some added visuals such as flashbacks to the boat scene or shots of Doctor Plumber and the composite sketching process would help to keep the audience engaged. Additionally, adding more tension and conflict between Verbal and Kujan, perhaps through physical movement or heightened emotions, would make the scene more dynamic. Finally, clarifying the stakes of the conversation and highlighting the potential consequences of Verbal's choices would create more tension and drama in the scene.



Scene 25 -  Burying Fenster
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
76 EXT. BEACH - NIGHT - TWO WEEKS PRIOR 76

Keaton looks out over the ocean and smokes a cigarette.

KEATON
What do you want to do with him?

McManus kneels in the sand. Hockney and Verbal stand behind
him, staring at something in front of them.

It is the body of Fred Fenster, literally peppered with
bullet holes. McManus stares at him, fighting any flicker of
emotion.

MCMAMJS
I worked five years with Fenster. More
jobs, more money than I can count.

KEATON
I'm sorry, McManus.

MCMANUS
I want to bury him.

KEATON
No time.

McManus springs to his feet and points a pistol at Keaton.
Keaton turns to face him and raises his head. McManus might
as well be pointing a feather-duster.
101.

MCMANUS
YOU WILL FIND TIME. You're not the only
one with debts, man.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
No shovel.

MCMANUS
WITH OUR HANDS.

77 MT. BEACH 77

Everyone digs in the sand on the deserted beach with their
hands. They are up to their waists in the hole they have
scooped out. Fenster's body is a few feet away.

HOCKNEY
This is nuts.

MCMANUS
Dig.

HOCKNEY
This is fucking dry sand, man. When he
rots, the surfers'll smell him from a
hundred yards out.

MCMANUS
DIG, YOU FUCKER.

Hockney can see that McManus has truly gone over the edge for
now. Keaton gives him a look that says don't argue.

HOCKNEY
Keaton, we gotta go. They're gonna find
him.

KEATON
Dig.

VERBAL
What are we gonna do?
102.

HOCKNEY
I can run. I got no problem with that.

KEATON
They don't seem to have a problem with it
either.

MCMANUS
Nobody runs.

HOCKNEY
This ain't my boy we're burying. I don't
owe anybody.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

MCMANUS
We got a deal here.

HOCKNEY
Since when?

MCMANUS
Since tonight.

HOCKNEY
Fuck that.

MCMANIJS
It's payback.

KEATON
IT'S NOT PAYBACK. I don't answer to you.
It's precaution. You want payback? You
want to run? I don't care. I'm going to
finish this thing. Not for Fenster, not
for anybody else, but for me. This
Kobayashi cocksucker isn't going to stand
over me.
(beat)
All of you can go to hell.
103.

Keaton turns and digs furiously with both hands. Hockney
takes a moment and slowly starts to do the same.

The four men dig for Fenster. The first to find some rest.

78 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT 78

Verbal smokes with his good hand shaking badly.

KUJAN
And after they killed Fenster nobody
would run?

VERBAL
I wanted to. I thought we could make it.

KUJAN
Why didn't you say anything?

VERBAL
I tried, believe me, but Keaton wouldn't
have it. It was too far-fetched for him.
Keaton was a grounded guy. An ex-cop. To
a cop, the explanation is never that
complicated. It's always simple. There's

PINK 06/07/94

VERBAL
no mystery on the street, no arch-
criminal behind it all. If you got a dead
guy and you think his brother did it,
you're going to find out you're right.
Nobody argued with Keaton. They just set
their minds on whacking Kobayashi.

79 EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - TWO WEEKS PRIOR 79

Redfoot's Harley rests on the roof of the Caddy in a mangled
heap. The body of the Caddy is riddled with bullet holes.
104.

Redfoot's dead body has been shoved head-first through a hole
in the windshield up to his waist, recognizable only by the
trademark red boot.

80 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 80

Kobayashi walks through the front door of a plush office
tower followed by two bodyguards. He heads toward the
elevator, failing to notice Hockney a few feet away, reading
a newspaper.

We see a wire running from Hockney's ear to his collar.

HOCKNEY
He's coming up.

81 INT. HALLWAY - FORTIETH FLOOR 81

Keaton, McManus and Verbal stand by the six elevators on the
fortieth floor. They are all wearing khaki overalls and tool
belts with walkie-talkies. They look like servicemen.

All of the elevators have been propped open and stranded.

McManus moves into one of the elevators. As the doors close
i behind him, he scrambles for the ceiling hatch.

82 SCENE DELETED 82

PINK 06/07/94

83 SCENE DELETED 83

84 SCENE DELETED 84

85 SCENE DELETED 85
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Keaton and his team bury the body of Fenster, while tension and distrust rise among the group.
Strengths
  • Tension and suspense are well-built through character interactions and setting.
  • The revelation of Keyser Soze's lore adds depth to the plot and characters.
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes are deleted, which may affect the overall narrative coherence.
  • Character motivations and actions can be confusing to follow at times.
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not possess the ability to make judgments or reactions regarding scenes in a film script. However, I can provide objective analysis. The given scene has a strong emotional impact, revealing the characters' vulnerability, their motives, and their moral irony. It also has a good balance of dialogue and actions, keeping the story moving and engaging. The characterization is well-defined, showing the different personalities of each character. The scene builds tension and conflict, leading the story to its climax. Overall, the scene is a well-crafted example of character-driven storytelling.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual description: The scene is heavy on dialogue, but could benefit from more visual description to help set the tone and mood. For example, how does the beach look at night? Are there any shadows or ominous sounds around them?

2. Clarify character motivations: The scene would benefit from clearer motivations for each character. Why does McManus want to bury Fenster so badly? Why won't Keaton allow it? Is there a deeper reason for his behavior?

3. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive and could be cut or condensed for a more impactful scene. Try focusing on the key points and making them stand out more.

4. Add more action: Despite the tension in the scene, there's not a lot of physical action. Consider adding more movement to help build the tension and heighten the stakes.

5. Consider adding more scenes: While it's not crucial to include every moment of the story, some deleted scenes indicate that there might be missing pieces that could help flesh out character arcs or build suspense. Consider adding scenes where necessary to help the story flow more smoothly.



Scene 26 -  The Threat of Keyser Soze
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
86 INT. HALLWAY 86

Keaton and Verbal listen for anything on the radio.

87 SCENE DELETED 87

88 SCENE DELETED 88
105.

PINK 06/07/94

89 INT. LOBBY 89

The elevator opens. Kobayashi and his bodyguards get on the
elevator.

90 INT. ELEVATOR 90

The elevator is empty except for the three men. McManus has
vanished. Kobayashi presses a button and they are on the way.

SUDDENLY, the ceiling hatch opens and McManus' arm comes out.

POP - POP. Two shots from a suppressed pistol and the guards
drop to the floor, DEAD.

Kobayashi looks up with surprising calm into McManus' barrel.

MCMANUS
Press forty.

91 INT. HALLWAY - FORTIETH FLOOR 91

The elevator opens and Kobayashi is greeted by Keaton and
Verbal. McManus drops from the ceiling hatch and pushes him
out.

BLUE 06/01/94

Verbal and McManus grab the dead bodies and drag them out of
the elevator. They drag them to the next elevator which has
been forced open, revealing an empty shaft.

KEATON
The answer is no.

KOBAYASHI
Mr. Soze will be most -

KEATON
Listen to me, cocksucker. There is no
Keyser Sate. If you say his name again,
I'11 kill you right here.
106.

KOBAYASHI
A strange threat. I can only assume
you're here to kill me anyway. Pity about
Mr. Redfoot.

MCMANUS
Fair trade for Fenster.

The elevator opens and Hockney steps out.

KOBAYASHI
Ahh, Mr. Hockney. Do join us.

KEATON
We know you can get to us, and now you
know we can get to you. I'm offering you
the chance to call this off.

KOBAYASHI
Mr. So- My employer has made up his mind.
He does not change it.

KEATON
Neither do we.

MCMANUS
You got Fenster, you may get more, but
you won't get us all. Not before one of
us gets to you.

KOBAYASHI
I believe you, Mr. McManus. I quite
sincerely do. You would not have been
chosen if you were not so capable, but I
cannot make this decision. Whatever you
can threaten me with is... ludicrous in
comparison to what will be done to me if

BLUE 06/01/94

MCMANUS
Just so you know. I'm the guy. I'm the
one that's gonna get through to you.
107.

KOBAYASHI
I am sorry, Mr. McManus.
(to Keaton)
I implore you to believe me, Mr. Keaton.
Mr. Soze is very real and very
determined.

KEATON
We'll see.

McManus holds a pistol to Kobayashi's chin. The lawyer's cool
eyes never falter'.

KOBAYASHI
Before you do me in, you will let me
finish my business with Ms. Finneran
first, won't you?

SUDDENLY, Keaton grabs McManus' hand and pulls the gun away
before he can shoot.

KEATON
What did you say?

KOBAYASHI
Edie Finneran. She is upstairs in my
office for an extradition deposition. I
requested she be put on the case
personally. She flew out yesterday.

Everyone looks at Keaton.

KOBAYASHI
No matter. Kill away, Mr. McManus.

KEATON
You're lying.

KOBAYASHI
Am I?
108.

92 INT. HALLWAY - FIFTIETH FLOOR 92

Everyone follows Kobayashi quietly down a dimly lit, oak-
lined hallway. Verbal holds a small pistol discreetly in the
small of Kobayashi's back.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

They come to a glass office foyer. Kobayashi gestures and
everyone looks through the glass into the lobby beyond.

EDIE FINNERAN is talking casually with the receptionist.
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary The criminals are approached by Mr. Kobayashi, who offers them a job to stop a drug deal with the motivation of a large sum of money. Verbal explains the myth surrounding Keyser Söze, and tensions rise as some doubt the legitimacy of the job and his involvement. Keaton and his team bury Fenster while distrust among the group grows.
Strengths "Tightly-woven plot that continually keeps the audience on edge. Expertly-written characters that feel like real people. Strong dialogue that propels the story forward."
Weaknesses "Some scenes feel disjointed and unclear, leaving the audience confused about character motivations. The tone is often too dark and grim, making it difficult to enjoy or emotionally invest in the story."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The action is fast-paced, and the dialogue between the characters is sharp and keeps the tension high. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, it is unclear why Scenes 87 and 88 were deleted, which may leave the reader wondering if they missed anything important. Additionally, the sudden appearance of McManus' arm from the ceiling hatch may seem jarring and somewhat implausible without further explanation.

Secondly, while the dialogue between Keaton and Kobayashi is strong, it is not entirely clear why Keaton is so adamant that Keyser Söze does not exist. It may be helpful to clarify this motivation, perhaps through a flashback or exposition earlier in the script.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual description of the setting and characters, as well as the emotions and reactions of the characters. This would help to immerse the reader in the scene and create a more vivid picture in their minds.
Suggestions This scene feels very rushed and lacks tension. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Give more context to the deleted scenes - What was happening in those scenes? Their absence makes the transition from the hallway to the lobby feel abrupt.

2. Build tension in the elevator - There is no suspense leading up to McManus' attack on the guards. We need to feel the tension and anticipation before the action happens. Consider adding some dialogue or camera cuts to build suspense.

3. Flesh out the confrontation in the lobby - The confrontation between the gang and Kobayashi feels underwhelming. Add more dialogue and tension to make it feel more dangerous. Consider adding some physical interactions between the characters, such as pushing or shoving.

4. Make Kobayashi a more formidable opponent - As a lawyer, Kobayashi seems too calm and collected in the face of certain death. Consider making him more unpredictable or dangerous in some way.

5. Give more background on Edie Finneran - We have no context for who she is or why she is so important. Add some dialogue or backstory to make the audience care about her fate.



Scene 27 -  The Job and its Consequences
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
93 INT. LOBBY 93

Edie glances toward the men in the hall. Keaton turns quickly
on his heels, facing the others. From where Edie stands, it
looks as though Kobayashi is talking to a group of harmless
maintenance men.

They see A LARGE MAN dressed very much like the two dead
bodies left in the hall downstairs. The man notices Kobayashi
and the others. He stands and stares menacingly.

KOBAYASHI
Ms. Finneran's escort in Los Angeles.
Never leaves her for a moment. I thought
you'd like to know she was in good hands.

Keaton's mind races for an alternative. He can find none.
Verbal lowers his gun without being told.

KOBAYASHI
Get your rest, Gentlemen. The boat will
be ready for you on Friday. If I see you
or your friends before then, or fail to
check in every half hour with that
unpleasant looking man in there, Ms.
Finneran will find herself the victim of
a gruesome violation before she dies. As
will your father, Mr. Hockney. and your
Uncle Randall in Arizona, Mr. Kint.
109.
I might only castrate Mr. McManus'
nephew, David. Do I make myself clear?

All of the men surround Kobayashi, aching to kill him.

KOBAYASHI
I'11 take care of the dead men
downstairs. We'll add them to the cost of
Mr. Fenster. Now if you'll excuse me.

Kobayashi walks into the office. Edie turns to greet him.
Keaton slowly turns and watches as they shake hands and talk.
Kobayashi says something they cannot hear and Edie laughs,
her back to the window.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

Kobayashi smiles over her shoulder at Keaton. All the while,
the bodyguard watches Keaton. He nods politely before Keaton
and the others leave. Verbal watches for a moment more and
follows.

94 EXT. HILLSIDE ROAD - DAY 94

Keaton, Verbal, Hockney and McManus sit in a rented sedan
overlooking San Pedro harbor.

Another file from Kobayashi's briefcase is laid out on the
dashboard. This has a map and a good fifty pages of
information in it.

KEATON
It's a logistical nightmare. Close
quarters, no advance layout, ten men,
maybe twenty.

HOCKNEY
Can we stealth these guys?

KEATON
Doubtful. With all that coke, they'll be
ready - which brings me to sunny spot
number two.
110.
Even if one of us gets through and jacks
the boat, we get nothing.

MCMANUS
And if we wait for the money?

KEATON
Ten more men at least. In my opinion, it
can't be done. Anyone who walks into this
won't come out alive.

MCMANUS
I'm for waiting for the money.

HOCKNEY
Me too.

VERBAL
Did you hear what he just said?

HOCKNEY
If I'm going in, I want a stake.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MCMANUS
So do I.

Verbal is shocked by what he is hearing. He looks at Keaton
as if to ask him for his decision.

Keaton's cold stare is all the answer Verbal needs. He slumps
in his seat, resigned to the others.

VERBAL
I just can't believe we're just gonna
walk into certain death.

PAUSE

They all suddenly realize the weight of their situation.

FINALLY:
111.

MCMANUS
News said it's raining in New York.

No one knows quite how to respond.

95 EXT, PIER - SAN PEDRO - NIGHT 95

A large boat, sleek and yacht-like, but without finesse. This
is a boat for business - heavy and fast. It is moored to the
pier.

A large crane hoists a pallet of fuel drums from the dock. It
swings slowly over the boat. A man on the dock yells in
Spanish to the crane operator.

96 EXT. BOATHOUSE 96

Behind an old and weathered boat in dry-dock, Keaton and
Verbal watch the boat from the shadows.

VERBAL
What-are they speaking?

KEATON
Russian, I think. I don't know.

VERBAL
Hungarian?

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
Knock it off.

DOLLY OVER TO REVEAL:

McManus climbing up the side of the boathouse.

CONTINUE PAST HIM TO REVEAL:

A large boat. A very large boat.
112.

97 EXT. BARGE 97

Hockney maneuvers through a mesh of twisted steel, arriving
at a vantage point near the stern of the large boat.

HOCKNEY'S P.O.V.

A black van pulls up and parks near the crane. Four men in
suits get out. One remains with the van and the other three
walk toward the boat.

On the boat, five men come up from below deck. They are tense
and cautious around the men in suits. Someone speaks in
Spanish and someone else in Russian. It takes a moment before
anyone speaks the same tongue. They settle on French for both
negotiators.

Hockney sits in the van. He handles a large shoulder bag
stuffed with plastique. He tests a timer on top. He picks up
a walkie-talkie.

HOCKNEY
Are we ready, kids?

98 SCENE DELETED 98

99 SCENE DELETED/MOVED TO BOTTOM SCENE 97 99
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Keaton and his gang are approached by Mr. Kobayashi for a job to stop a drug deal. Meanwhile, they bury the body of Fenster, and tension and distrust rise within the group. Kobayashi threatens harm to the team's loved ones if they fail or go rogue. Keaton and his team discuss the job and consider their inevitable death in executing it.
Strengths "The tension and stakes are well-established, with Kobayashi's threat adding to the growing conflict within the group. The characters have distinct personalities and their doubts and fears are portrayed effectively."
Weaknesses "The scene could have benefited from more character development and dialogue to flesh out the motivations and feelings of the gang members."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effective in building tension and establishing the stakes for the characters. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

One issue is the lack of description for the characters and their actions. There are several moments where it is not clear who is speaking or moving, which can be confusing for the reader. Adding in more physical descriptions or actions can help clarify these moments.

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose or exposition-heavy. For example, when Kobayashi lists off the potential victims, it feels like an info dump rather than a natural conversation. Finding ways to integrate this information more smoothly into the dialogue would make it feel more organic.

Finally, there are a few minor formatting errors (such as a missing period at the end of a line), but these do not significantly impact the readability of the scene.
Suggestions My suggestions for improving this scene are:

1) Clarify the location and setting of the scene - which lobby is it and where is it in relation to other locations in the film?

2) Develop the character of Kobayashi further - why is he so powerful and feared, and what is his backstory?

3) Use more active and descriptive language to create a sense of tension and danger in the scene - for example, show how the men are physically reacting to Kobayashi's threats and movements.

4) Add more dialogue to show the thought processes and motivations of the characters - for example, why do they decide to go ahead with the plan despite the risks?

5) Consider cutting the deleted scenes to streamline the narrative and avoid confusing the audience.



Scene 28 -  The Boathouse Raid
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
100 EXT. BOATHOUSE.-- ROOF 100

McManus is positioning himself on the roof of the boathouse.
He stops and grabs his radio.

MCMANUS
If I didn't have to stop and answer you,
I would be.

YELLOW 06/11/94
113.

101 MT. BOATHOUSE 101

KEATON
(into radio)
Everyone shut up. I'm ready. McManus, you
better be set up in ten seconds.

MCMANUS
(on radio)
I'm there.

YELLOW 06/11/94

KEATON
(to Verbal)
I want you to stay here. Understand?

VERBAL +
But I'm supposed to -

KEATON
If we don't make it out, I want you to
take the money and go.

VERBAL
(confused)
Keaton, I can't just -

KEATON
I want you to find Edie. Both of you find
some place safe. Tell her what happened -
Everything. She knows people. She'll know
what to do. If we can't get Kobayashi my
way, she'll get him her way.

VERBAL
What if I --

KEATON
Just do what I tell you.

Keaton turns and takes a few steps. He stops and looks back,
his face marked with guilt and agony.
114.

KEATON
Tell her I... Tell her I tried.

Keaton leaves before Verbal can respond. He walks down a ramp
toward the boat.

He is no more than a few yards out of the shadows before the
first man sees him.

102 EXT. DOCK 102

One of the men in suits starts to yell to the others. Men
pull out guns and try to look as cool as they can.

Keaton walks right into the face of all of these men,
undaunted. His hands are in his pockets.

Above him, in the darkness, McManus pokes his head out and

YELLOW 06/11/94

spies Keaton. He pulls his head back and sticks out the
barrel of the rifle.

Keaton comes to a stop about twenty feet from fifteen men all
together.

103 EXT. BOATHOUSE - ROOF 103

McMANUS'S P.O.V.

McManus stares through the scope of his rifle at the scene.
The cross-hairs breeze past Keaton and find a target. A man
in a suit.

MCMANUS
Pow.

He moves to another and then another, picking up speed and
mock-shooting the men. He is steady and quick. It is clear he
could take all fifteen in a few seconds.
115.

MCMANUS
Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow . Oswald was a
fag.

104 EXT. DOCK 104

The men shout questions at Keaton in a number of languages.

105 EXT. BARGE 105

HOCKNEY'S P.O.V.

A few men standing on the dock near the stern of the large
boat, move towards the commotion.

Hockney bails out and runs quickly and quietly through the
shadows, bringing the bomb with him.

106 EXT. BOATHOUSE 106

Verbal remains in the darkness, looking frightened.

107 INT. BOATHOUSE - ROOF 107

McManus still wanders with his scope.

MCMANUS
Old McDonald had a farm, ee-aye, ee-aye,
oh. And on this farm he shot some guys.
Ba-da-bip, ba-da-bing, bang-boom.

YELLOW 06/11/94

108 EXT. DOCK 108

Finally two men walk right towards Keaton. The rest train
guns on him. They reach for his arms, pointing their guns
right at him.

At the far end of the dock, Hockney throws his bomb onto the
stern of the large boat.

IT EXPLODES
116.

The men surrounding Keaton, are distracted. Keaton pulls a
pistol out of each pocket and shoots the two men closest to
him.

109 EXT. BOATHOUSE - ROOF 109

MCMANUS
ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

He fires as fast as he can.

110 EXT. PIER 110

The men from the boat and the men in suits try to peg Keaton,
but McManus' sniping has them running.

111 INT. CRANE 111

The crane operator opens the door to bails out, leaving the
crane in motion.

112 EXT. BOATHOUSE - ROOF 112

McManus runs across the roof of the boathouse and jumps down
to the pier. He arrives at a thick mooring cable and climbs
across to the boat.

MEANWHILE ON THE DOCK:

Keaton climbs up onto a small lifeboat hanging from the side
of the larger boat. From this he climbs aboard the large
boat.

YELLOW 06/11/94
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary The team prepares for and executes a raid on the drug deal. Keaton instructs Verbal to stay behind and take the money if things go wrong. The raid starts with McManus sniping from the roof and Keaton taking out two men before Hockney's bomb explodes. The team successfully takes down the remaining men and boards the boat where Kobayashi is meeting with the drug dealers.
Strengths
  • Well-paced action
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Effective use of multiple perspectives
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and action-packed. The dialogue is sharp and helps to build tension between the characters. However, there are a few areas where clarity could be improved. For example, it is unclear what Hockney is doing with the bomb and why he is running towards the boat with it. Additionally, it is unclear what McManus is doing on the roof before he starts shooting. A clearer setup of their actions could help the audience better understand the sequence of events. Additionally, there are no visual descriptions of the characters and their actions, which could make it difficult for a director or actors to bring the scene to life on screen. Overall, with a few revisions, this could be a successful and exciting scene.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Establish the stakes: There needs to be more of a clear sense of what is at stake in this scene. What are the consequences if Keaton and the others fail? How will the plot move forward depending on the outcome of this sequence? By establishing this, the audience will be more invested in what is happening and the tension will be heightened.

2. Tighten the dialogue: The dialogue in this scene is somewhat clunky and overly expository. Consider ways to subtly convey important information through action, rather than having characters spell out what is happening or what is about to happen.

3. Add more visual interest: There are a lot of characters standing around in this scene, but not much actually happens. Consider adding more movement and visual interest to keep the audience engaged, such as more dynamic camera angles, choreographed action sequences, or greater use of the environment.

4. Show, don't tell: There are a lot of moments where characters simply say what they are going to do or what they are feeling. Consider ways to show these emotions or actions more effectively through visual storytelling, such as using close-ups or reaction shots to convey characters' emotions.



Scene 29 -  The Raid
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
113 EXT. DOCK 113

Hockney is firing in all directions. SUDDENLY, he realizes no
one is left on the dock.

PAUSE
117.

FINALLY, he turns and runs back for the van parked on the
pier above. He finds a ramp leading from the dock to the
pier.

At the van, he finds the one man who has stayed behind to
protect it.

The man hears Hockney coming and raises his gun. Hockney runs
straight at him, screaming frantically.

HOCKNEY
(in Spanish)
<<DON'T SHOOT, DON'T SHOOT. LET'S GET THE
FUCK OUT OF HERE. EVERYONE IS DEAD.>>

BOOM

He shoots the man point blank in the face and runs over his
body as it falls.

He gets to the back door of the van and yanks it open.

The inside is stacked with large wooden crates.

114 INT. VAN 114

Hockney, suddenly oblivious to the sound of gunfire, opens
one of the crates and looks inside.

IT IS FILLED WITH MONEY. Cash and negotiable bonds of all
kinds. He smiles.

BOOM

BLOOD sprays all over the money. Hockney looks at it,
puzzled.

Hockney raises a blood-soaked hand from his belly. He turns
and stares in horror.

YELLOW 06/11/94

BOOM - Another shot takes off the top of his head.
118.

115 EXT. PIER 115

McManus runs like a wild man across the deck, heading for the
hatch.

He shoots in all directions as though he has eyes in the back
of his head. He sees Keaton climbing onto the deck of the
boat.

YELLOW 06/11/34

116 EXT. WAREHOUSE 116

Verbal is wrestling with what to do. He finally makes a break
for the other side of the boathouse.

117 EXT. BOAT DECK 117

The crane continues to swing. A single bullet hits one of the
barrels on the suspended pellet. Gasoline pours out through
the bullet-hole.

118 SCENE DELETED 118

119 EXT. BOAT 119

Keaton finds the hatch and goes below, shooting a man on his
way up the stairs. McManus jumps on board and runs down
behind him.

120 EXT'. PIER 120

Verbal arrives at the top of the ramp leading from the dock
to the pier.

He ducks down behind a guardrail beside the ramp. He turns
and sees Hockney's dead body next to the van. He looks around
frantically, frozen in terror. It is quiet, except for the
sounds of screaming, far off in the bowels of the boat and
the hum of the crane.
119.

121 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT 121

KUJAN
Why didn't you run?

PINK 06/07/94

VERBAL
I froze up. I thought about Fenster and
how he looked when we buried him, then I
thought about Keaton. It looked like he
might pull it off.

A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

Rabin steps in and motions for Kujan to come outside.

122 INT.HALLWAY 122

Rabin and Jack Baer are in the hall. Rabin hands Kujan a
thick manila folder. Kujan thumbs through it.

BAER
A boy came across a body on the beach
this morning. Thrown clear when the boat
burned. Shot once in the head. Two guys
from the F.B.I. just identified him.

KUJAN
And?

RABIN
His name was Arturo Marquez. A petty
smuggler out of Argentina. He was
arrested in New York last year for
trafficking. He escaped to California and
got picked up in Long Beach. They were
setting up his extradition when he
escaped again. Get this - Edie Finneran
was called in to advise the proceedings.

KUJAN
Kobayashi.
120.

Bear nods.

RAB IN
I called New York County and they fared
me a copy of Marquez's testimony. He was
a rat.

Kujan pulls out page after page from the file.

KUJAN
A big fucking rat.

PINK 06/07/94

RABIN
Arturo was strongly opposed 'to going
back to prison. So much so that he
informed on close to fifty guys. Guess
who he names for a finale?

Kujan finds one sheet and notices a paragraph is highlighted.

KUJAN
Keyser Soze.

BAER
There's more.

123 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 123

Kujan walks in and sits down in front of Verbal. He smiles.

KUJAN
I'11 tell you what I know. Stop me when
it sounds familiar.

Verbal is confused.

KUJAN
There was no dope on that boat.
121.

124 INT. BOAT - NIGHT - ONE WEEK PRIOR 124

Keaton is weaving through tight, low-ceiling corridors,
looking in every cabin, working his way towards the bottom of
the boat.

ELSEWHERE IN THE BOAT, McManus is tearing though the
corridors, seemingly less interested in securing the cargo as
he is in killing everyone on board.

He screams like a lunatic, shooting everything in his path,
killing some men with his bare hands, shooting others,
stabbing others still with a knife he has brought along.
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Keaton and his team execute a raid on a drug deal, successfully taking down the remaining men and boarding the boat where Kobayashi is meeting with the drug dealers.
Strengths "Intense action and tension building up to the successful execution of the raid, with a revelation about Keyser Soze creating more intrigue."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue and character actions could have been better developed."
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and builds tension effectively. However, the character development is lacking, particularly for Hockney, who seems to have a sudden change of heart when he realizes everyone is dead. Additionally, the violence is excessive and gratuitous, relying too much on shock value rather than serving a purpose in the story. The dialogue also lacks depth and nuance, coming across as simplistic and stereotypical, particularly with Hockney's use of Spanish as a sudden plot device. The scene would benefit from more complexity in character motivations and more thoughtful dialogue.
Suggestions One possible suggestion to improve this scene is to make the action more coherent and build tension. Right now, the action jumps around from character to character and it's not always clear what is happening or why. To improve this, you could focus on one character at a time and make their actions and motivations more clear. Additionally, you could build tension by having the characters face more obstacles and challenges as they try to escape with the money. This could include more clashes with law enforcement, unexpected obstacles on the boat, and betrayals among the crew. By adding more obstacles and making the action more coherent, you can keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the scene.



Scene 30 -  Uncovering the Truth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
125 INT. CORRIDOR 125

JAIME, one of the men from the boat, is half-pushing, half-
helping a thin and sweaty looking MAN IN A CHECKERED BATHROBE
towards a cabin at the end of the hall.

The man in the robe is trembling. He seems stricken with
fear.

BLUE 06/01/94

MAN IN ROBE
He's here. I saw him on deck.

Jaime pushes him inside the cabin and shuts the door.

A stereo playing softly in the room mixes with the man's
panicked breathing.

The man in the robe screams through the closed door, his
voice echoing off of the metal bulkheads.

MAN IN ROBE
I'M TELLING YOU IT'S KEYSER SOZE.

Jaime stands outside the door of the cabin and turns to face
down the hall. Off in some other part of the boat, he can
hear McManus wailing like a banshee and the ever-less
frequent sound of gunshots.
122.

126 INT. HOLD 126

Keaton has come to the four-foot-high door to the hold. The
door is open slightly. Keaton finds this strange. He pushes
the door open and steps inside. The hold is empty.

He hears a noise behind him. He wheels around to fire. He
sees McManus in the door. His face is covered with blood.

MCMANUS
Did you hear what I heard?

KEATON
What happened to you?

MCMANUS
Keyser Soze is on the boat.

KEATON
What?

MCMANUS
I heard somebody screaming his nuts off.
He said Keyser Soze was on the boat.

KEATON
Are you alright?

McManus rubs some of the blood off with his sleeve.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

MCMANUS
Huh? Oh, It's not mine.

KEATON
There's no coke.

McManus looks around the hold as though he'll see four and a
half tons of dope in some corner where Keaton might have
missed it.

The two men look at one another. There is a long, pregnant
silence.
123.

MCMANUS
Let's get the fuck out of here.

KEATON
Right behind you.

127 INT. CORRIDOR 127

Keaton and McManus step out of the hold, walking slowly and
cautiously back from where they came. They hear the sounds of
footsteps running on the deck above and the occasional
hollered sentence in Spanish.

KEATON
Where's Hockney?

MCMANUS
I don't think he made it to the boat.

They come to a corner. They can go left or right.

KEATON
I can't remember which way.

MCMANUS
Right -

BOOM - BOOM

Gunshots fill the hallway from behind them. They do not stop
to turn around. Keaton goes left, McManus goes right. They
run in opposite directions with the sound of gunfire right
behind them.

128 INT. HALLWAY - CABIN 128

Jaime squints and cocks his head.

YELLOW 06/11/94

SOMEONE IS COMING. He raises a pistol and crouches by the
door.
124.

129 INT. CABIN 129

The man in the bathrobe sits on the foot of the bed watching
the door. He hears the sounds of fighting somewhere not too
far away.

He crawls over the bed and squeezes between it and the
bulkhead. Only the top of his head is visible. He starts to
cry.

BOOM - BOOM - Two shots just outside in the hall.

SUDDENLY, the door bursts open. Jaime collapses in a heap on
the floor, a bullet hole in his eye.

A FIGURE LOOMS IN THE DOOR

The man in the bathrobe looks up at the figure. We cannot see
him.

MAN IN ROBE
I told them nothing.

BOOM

The man in the robe falls dead.

130 EXT. DECK - MOMENTS LATER 130

The boat is quiet now. Keaton walks out onto the deck. He
looks out over the pier and sees Verbal standing in the
middle of the carnage, frozen. Their eyes meet. Keaton waves
at him as if to shoe him away.

131 EXT. PIER - TOP OF RAMP 131

Verbal hesitates and finally moves towards the van with the
money. He looks back over his shoulder and sees Keaton.
Keaton sees him looking and waves again, hurrying him along.

Verbal turns away and focuses on the van.
125.

132 EXT. DECK 132

Keaton hears a noise behind him. He swings around and points
his gun at McManus again. He puts the gun down.

YELLOW 06/11/94

McManus smiles. He walks slowly across the deck towards
Keaton. Something is not right about him.

MCMANUS
Strangest thing...

He slumps to the deck. Keaton rushes over to him. He kneels
down and sees a pipe sticking out of the back of McManus's
neck.

133 EXT. PIER 133

Verbal approaches the van, stepping over Hockney's body. He
closes the back doors of the van.

He looks to his left at the huge loading crane. He glances
upward along the giant' arm as it swings steadily on.

Somewhere, off in the distance, the sound of SIRENS can be
heard.

134 EXT. DECK 134

Keaton kneels by McManus, trembling with rage. After a moment
he stands, looking down at McManus' dead body.
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary Keaton and his team encounter unexpected obstacles while raiding a drug deal on a boat. They learn of Keyser Soze's presence, lose one of their own, and face the threat of the authorities arriving.
Strengths "The tension and danger build up throughout the scene."
Weaknesses "The action could be more tightly choreographed, and some of the dialogue could be more impactful."
Critique The scene sets up a tense atmosphere with the use of visual and audio cues, including the sweating man in the robe, the sound of the stereo, and the occasional hollered sentence in Spanish. The dialogue is also effective in conveying the fear and urgency of the characters, particularly the man in the robe's scream about Keyser Soze. The use of silence and gunshots in the hallway also enhances the tension. However, the action could be more clear, as it is not completely clear who is shooting at whom and why McManus appears to be odd before he collapses with a pipe in the back of his neck. Additionally, the characterization of the characters is somewhat thin and could benefit from more depth, particularly the men from the boat and their motivations for being involved in the situation.
Suggestions First, it's important to establish the stakes of the scene - why is the man in the bathrobe so scared? We may need a quick moment earlier in the script to set this up. Additionally, it would benefit the scene to have some indication of who Keyser Soze is earlier in the script, so that the line of dialogue has more weight.

Next, the dialogue could use some tightening and added tension. Instead of Jaime just pushing the man into the cabin, he could be urgently whispering to him to be quiet and trying to calm him down.

It's unclear why Keaton finds the door to the hold slightly open to be strange - if there is a reason, it may be helpful to clarify this.

When McManus appears and shares the news about Keyser Soze, Keaton's response could be more intense - this is a major revelation for him. The long silence after he says there's no coke feels awkward and could be cut down.

The direction could also use some adjustments - for example, instead of "The two men look at one another. There is a long, pregnant silence," specific actions or movements could be added to make the scene more visual.

Finally, the scene could use more sensory detail - what does it smell like, sound like, feel like? This can help immerse the audience in the world of the film.



Scene 31 -  The Fall Out
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
135 EXT. PIER 135

SUDDENLY, Verbal realizes something. He turns and goes to
call out a warning to Keaton. He is too late.

136 EXT. DECK 136

Keaton never sees the crane coming.

WHAM
126.

The pellet of barrels hits him square in the back and sends
him flying into the wheel house of the boat.

Keaton is still for a moment. Finally, he tries to get up,
but finds he cannot move his legs.

137 EXT. PIER 137

Verbal runs down the ramp as fast as he can. He comes to a
rope ladder hanging down the side of the boat.

SUDDENLY, he stops dead in his tracks, looking up at the
boat.

YELLOW 06/11/94

From where he stands, he can just make out the figure of a
TAU, THIN MAN walking along the edge of the deck. He moves
quietly and calmly in the shadows towards the crane, looking
out of place in his expensive suit.

YELLOW 06/11/94

Something about this man terrifies him.

138 SCENE DELETED 138

139 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT .139

KUJAN
And that's when you say in your statement
that you saw...

Kujan picks up his copy of Verbal's statement to the D.A.

KUJAN
A man in a suit with a slim build. Tall.

VERBAL
Wait a minute.

KUJAN
(looking at watch)
I don't have a minute.
127.
Are you saying it was Keyser Soze? You
told the D.A. you didn't know who it was.

Verbal is drowning in Kujan's interrogation. He looks dazed.

VERBAL
I - there had to be dope there.

BLUE 06/01/94

KUJAN
Don't shine me, Verbal. No more stalling.
You know what I'm getting at.

VERBAL
I don't.

KUJAN
YES YOU DO. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT.
THE TRUTH. TRY TO TELL ME YOU DIDN'T
KNOW. TRY TO TELL ME YOU SAW SOMEONE KILL
KEATON.

For the first time, Verbal stands and tries to move away from
Kujan, but Kujan stays in his face, backing him into a
corner. Verbal shields himself with his hands and shuts his
eyes.

KUJAN
TRY TO REEF LYING TO ME NOW. I KNOW
EVERYTHING.

VERBAL
I don't know what you're talking about.

KUJAN
YOU KNOW. YOU'VE KNOWN THIS WHOLE FUCKING
TIME. GIVE IT TO ME.

Verbal looks into Kujan's eyes with genuine terror. Kujan's
face is red, his body trembles. His locomotive breathing is
the only sound in the room.
128.

VERBAL
I don't understand what you're saying. I
saw Keaton get shot, I swear to you.

KUJAN
Then why didn't you help him?

VERBAL
I WAS AFRAID, OKAY? Somehow, I was sure
it was Keyser Soze at that point. I
couldn't bring myself to raise my gun to
him.

KUJAN
But Keaton...

VERBAL
It was Keyser Soze, Agent Kujan. I mean
the Devil himself. How do you shoot the
Devil in the back?

YELLOW 06/11/94

Verbal holds up a shaking, twisted hand.

VERBAL
What if you miss?

140 EXT. BARGE - NIGHT - ONE WEEK PRIOR 140

Verbal is hiding in the tangle of girders and cables on the
barge.

VERBAL'S P.O.V.

Keaton's body is completely obscured. The man in a suit
strides across the deck over to Keaton, stopping to relieve
himself on a small fire on the deck. He walks up and stands
over Keaton. The two men exchange words and the man in the
suit pulls out a pistol. He points it at Keaton.
129.

RED AND BLUE LIGHTS FLASH BEHIND VERBAL

Verbal turns. He can just make out police cars coming in the
distance.

BANG

Verbal hears a shot from the deck of the boat. He turns in
time to see the man in the suit running across the deck
toward the gangway.

Verbal can barely see the man from where he is now. The man
in the suit is covered by shadows and the poor angle from the
barge. Verbal strains to see but he cannot.

The man in the suit stops long enough to pull out a lighter.
He turns and walks back across the deck and out of sight. A
moment later flames leap up from on the deck. The mesh of
steel and rubber leaves a dark and open cocoon at its base.

MOVE INTO THE DARKNESS.

Sirens are close now. Almost here. The sound of fire raging
out of control.

SIRENS BLARING. TIRES SQUEALING. CAR DOORS OPENING.
FEETPOUNDING THE PAVEMENT.

YELLOW 06/11/94

MOVE FURTHER, SLOWER, INTO THE DARKNESS.

Voices yelling. New light flickering in the surrounding
darkness.

BLUE 06/01/94
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Keaton and his team execute a raid on a drug deal, but encounter unexpected obstacles and face the threat of their loved ones being harmed by Kobayashi. Keaton ends up being hit by a crane and Verbal witnesses Keyser Soze's presence, leading to Verbal's interrogation by Kujan.
Strengths "The tension and suspense is well-crafted, with the looming presence of Keyser Soze and the threat of Kobayashi's actions adding to the stakes of the scene. The reveal of Verbal's fear of Keyser Soze and his inability to shoot him adds depth to his character arc."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful and memorable. It's also unclear why the police suddenly arrive during the drug deal."
Critique This scene is written clearly and vividly. The action is well described and easy to follow. The pacing is effective, with the sudden realization and warning coming just before the tragic event. The use of Verbal's point of view enhances the tension and builds towards the reveal of the man in the suit. The dialogue in the present scene is compelling and heightens the stakes for the audience. Overall, a well-executed scene that sets up the drama for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of conveying action and tension. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify who "Verbal" is earlier in the scene. The first mention of his name is in the action line after he turns to call out a warning to Keaton, but it would better to have his name introduced earlier for clarity.

2. Provide more detail about Keaton's character to increase the emotional impact when he is hit by the crane. This will help the audience feel more invested in his fate.

3. Consider adding more description about the location. The scene is set at a pier and on a boat, but it is unclear what the surroundings look like. Adding more sensory detail about the environment will enhance the authenticity of the scene.

4. In the present-day portion of the scene, where Kujan is interrogating Verbal, consider adding more physical movement and blocking. Currently, the scene mostly consists of dialogue, but adding more movement will make it more visually interesting.

5. Lastly, consider adding more hints or foreshadowing about the true identity of Keyser Soze earlier in the script. This will make the reveal more impactful and satisfying.



Scene 32 -  The Revelation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 10
141 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT 141

KUJAN
Arturo Marquez. Ever hear of him?

VERBAL
Wha- No.
130.

KUJAN
He was a stool pigeon for the Justice
Department. He swore out a statement to
Federal Marshals that he had seen and
could positively identify one Keyser Soze
and had intimate knowledge of his
business, including, but not exclusive
to, drug trafficking and murder.

VERBAL
I never heard of him.

KUJAN
His own people were selling him to a gang
of Hungarians. Most likely the same
Hungarians that Sate all but wiped out
back in Turkey. The money wasn't there
for dope. The Hungarians were going to
buy the one guy that could finger Soze
for them.

VERBAL
I said I never heard of him.

KUJAN
But Keaton had. Edie Finneran was his
extradition advisor. She knew who he was
and what he knew.

VERBAL
I don't.

KUJAN
There were no drugs on that boat. It was
a hit. A suicide mission to whack out the
one man that could finger Keyser Soze so
Sate had a few thieves put to it. Men he
knew he could march into certain death.

VERBAL
But how - wait. You're saying SOZE sent
us to kill someone?
131.

BLUE 06/01/94

KUJAN
I'm saying Keaton did.

Verbal cannot grasp this. He squints, trying to understand.

KUJAN
Verbal, he left you behind for a reason.
If you all knew Soze could find you
anywhere, why was he ready to send you
off with the money when he could have
used you to take the boat?

VERBAL
He wanted me to live.

KUJAN
Why did he want you to live? A one-time
dirty cop without a loyalty in the world
finds it in his heart to save a worthless
rat-cripple? No, sir. Why'

VERBAL
Edie.

KUJAN
I don't buy that reform story for a
minute. And even if I did, I certainly
don't believe he would send you to
protect her. So why?

VERBAL
Because he was my friend.

KUJAN
No, Verbal. You weren't friends. Keaton
didn't have friends. He saved you because
he wanted it that way. It was his will.
132.

Verbal grinds to a mental halt, trying to grasp the
implication .

SUDDENLY:

VERBAL
No...

KUJAN
Keaton was Keyser Soze.

VERBAL
NO.

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

KUJAN
The kind of guy who could wrangle the
wills of men like Hockney and McManus.
The kind of man who could engineer a
police line-up from all his years of
contacts in N.Y.P.D.

Verbal stands on wobbly legs, shaking with anger.

VERBAL
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

KUJAN
THE KIND OF MAN THAT COULD HAVE KILLED
EDIE FINNERAN.

A strange look crosses Verbal's face. Shock perhaps, or
revelation.

KUJAN
They found her yesterday in a hotel in
Pennsylvania. Shot twice in the head.

It starts to sink in with Verbal. His eyes swell.

VERBAL
Edie...
133.

KUJAN
He used all of you to get him on that
boat. He couldn't get on alone and he had
to pull the trigger himself to make sure
he got his man. The one man that could
identify him.

VERBAL
This is all bullshit.

KUJAN
He left you to stay behind and tell us he
was dead. You saw him die, right? Or did
you? You had to hide when the first
police cars showed up. You heard the
shot, just before the fire but you didn't
see him die.

VERBAL
I knew him. He would never -

KUJAN
He programmed you to tell us just what he
wanted you to. Customs has been

SCRIPT DATE 5/25/94

KUJAN
investigating him for years. He knew we
were close. You said it yourself. Where
is the political pressure coming from?
Why are you being protected? It's Keaton
making sure you tell us what you're
supposed to. Immunity is your reward.

VERBAL
BUT WHY ME? WHY NOT HOCKNEY OR FENSTER OR
McMANUS? I'm a cripple. I'm stupid. Why
me?

Verbal hears the weight of his words and falls back in his
chair, Kujan looks at him with some pity,; but he is too far
in to stop.
134.

KUJAN
Because you're a cripple, Verbal. Because
you're stupid. Because you were weaker
than them. Because you couldn't see far
enough into him to know the truth.

Verbal is crying now. He shakes his head, eyes closed.

KUJAN
If he's dead, Verbal - if what you say is
true, then it won't matter. It was his
idea to hit the Taxi Service in New York,
wasn't it? Tell me the truth.

VERBAL
(sobbing)
It was all Keaton. We followed him from
the beginning.

Kujan smiles with triumphant satisfaction.

VERBAL
I didn't know. I saw him die. I believe
he's dead. Christ.

KUJAN
Why lie about everything else, then?

VERBAL
You know what it's like, Agent Kujan, to
know you'll never be good? Not good like
you. You got good all fucked around. I
mean a stand up guy. I grew up knowing I
was never going to be good at anything
'cause I was a cripple. Shit, I wasn't

BLUE 06/01/94

VERBAL
even a good thief. But I thought the one
thing I could be good at was a keeping my
mouth shut - keeping the code.
135.
I didn't want to tell you for my dignity,
that's all, and you robbed me, Agent
Kujan. You robbed me.

Kujan pulls the microphone out from under his tie and puts it
on the desk. Verbal actually manages to snort a laugh, but
only briefly, overcome by an apparent wave of nausea.

KUJAN
You're not safe on your own.

VERBAL
You think he's..?

KUJAN
Is he Keyser Soze I don't know, Verbal.
It seems to me that Keyser Sate is a
shield. Like you said, a spook story, but
I know Keaton - and someone out there is
pulling strings for you. Stay here and
let us protect you.

VERBAL
I'm not bait. No way. I post today.

KUJAN
You posted twenty minutes ago. Captain
Leo wants you out of here a.s.a.p.,
unless you turn state's.

VERBAL
I'11 take my chances, thank you. It's
tougher to buy the cheapest bag-man than
it is to buy a cop.

KUJAN
Where are you going to go, Verbal? You
gonna run? Turn states evidence. You
might never see trial. If somebody wants
to get you, you know They'll get you out
there.
136.

VERBAL
Maybe so, but I'm no rat, Agent Kujan.
You tricked me, that's all. I won't keep
my mouth shut 'cause I'm scared. I'11
keep it shut 'cause I let Keaton down by
getting caught - Edie Finneran too. And
if they kill me, it's

YELLOW 06/11/94

VERBAL
because they'll hear I dropped dime.
They'll probably hear it from you.

Verbal stands, mustering his shattered dignity and walks
towards the door. Rabin opens it for him from outside.

For once Kujan cannot bring himself to look at Verbal. Verbal
turns to the door, stopping to look Rabin in the eye.

VERBAL
Fuckin' cops.

He steps out of the room and into the hall. Rabin follows
him.
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Verbal is interrogated by Agent Kujan, who reveals that Keaton was Keyser Soze and used the team to take down the one man who could identify him. Verbal is shaken as he realizes the truth and Kujan tries to convince him to turn states evidence.
Strengths "Intense and emotional dialogue between Verbal and Kujan, shocking revelation about Keaton's true identity"
Weaknesses "Not much action or visual interest in the scene, heavy exposition"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and plot. The tension builds throughout the scene, culminating in Verbal's realization that Keaton is actually Keyser Soze.

One possible critique is that there is a lot of exposition delivered through dialogue, which can feel unrealistic at times. However, given the complex nature of the plot and characters, it is understandable that certain information needs to be conveyed explicitly.

Another critique is that some of the dialogue feels a bit melodramatic, especially Verbal's outburst near the end of the scene. However, this could be argued as reflecting Verbal's emotional state at the time.

Overall, this scene effectively delivers important plot information while maintaining tension and drama.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase the emotional stakes: While the scene does have emotional moments, it could benefit from a more intense emotional arc. Perhaps have Verbal break down or lash out in anger when the truth about Keaton is revealed.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of Kujan simply recounting the story of Arturo Marquez, consider showing the events through a flashback. This will make the scene more engaging and visually interesting.

3. Tighten up the dialogue: The conversation between Kujan and Verbal can feel a bit lengthy and meandering at times. Consider trimming down some of the dialogue to make it more focused and impactful.

4. Utilize visual storytelling: Instead of relying solely on dialogue, consider adding some visual elements to help tell the story. This could be done through flashback sequences or through cinematography and camera angles.

5. Create a more suspenseful atmosphere: As the climax of the film draws near, it's important to maintain a sense of tension and suspense. Consider adding some suspenseful music or sound effects to help build the atmosphere and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 33 -  Realization
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
142 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY 142

Daniel Metzheiser comes out of Arkosh Kovash's room with a
single sheet of 15x20 inch paper in his hand. He inspects the
sketch with great interest. He folds the edges of the paper
back to make it smaller.

143 INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION ROOM 143

Metzheiser walks behind the reception desk without asking the
nurse for permission and helps himself to the fax machine.

144 INT. DEPOT - LATER 144

Verbal is downstairs in the depot of the police station
picking up his personal belongings.
137.
A FAT, WHITE-HAIRED COP is checking off the items as he takes
them out of the tray in which they are kept.

COP
One watch: gold. One cigarette lighter:
gold. One wallet: brown. One pack of
cigarettes.

Verbal collects his personal items and shuffles on his lame
leg toward the exit.

145 INT. DISPATCHER'S OFFICE 145

Jack Baer stands by a fax machine. A green light comes on
next to a digital display.

The display reads: RECEIVING

BLUE 06/01/94

146 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 146

Kujan stares solemnly at the bulletin board, drinking from
Rabin's coffee cup. Rabin sits at the desk, sifting through
the mound of gapers as though considering organizing them
once and for all.

RABIN
You still don't know shit.

KUJAN
I know what I wanted to know about
Keaton.

RAB IN
Which is shit.

KUJAN
No matter. He'll have to know how close
we came.

RABIN
Keyser Sate or not, if Keaton's alive
he'll never come up again.
138.

KUJAN
I'11 find him.

RAB IN
Waste of time.

KUJAN
(to himself)
A rumor is not a rumor that doesn't die.

RAB IN
What?

KUJAN
Nothing. Something I - forget it.

Kujan shakes his head. He gestures to the desk.

KUJAN
Man, you're a fucking slob.

Rabin regards the mess of his office.

RABIN
Yeah. It's got its own system though. It
all makes sense when you look at it
right. You just have to step back from

BLUE 06/01/94

RABIN
it, you know? You should see my garage,
now that's a horror show...

Kujan is not listening. He has been staring at the bulletin
board, lost in thought, his unfocused eyes drifting across
the mess of papers, not looking at anything at all.

147 EXT. STREET 147

Verbal steps out into the sunlight, putting on a pair of
cheap sunglasses. He looks up and down the crowded street.
People on their way to and from lunch, no doubt.
139.
Cars choke the street in front of the police department as
they wait for pedestrians to clear the way.

148 INT. DISPATCHER'S OFFICE 148
-

A single sheet of paper comes out of the fax machine, face
down.

149 INT. RABIN'S OFFICE 149

Kujan still stares at the bulletin board.

SUDDENLY, Kujan's face changes. He leans in closer to the
bulletin board and squints his eyes. His face changes again.

First a look of puzzlement, then confusion - finally
realization.

The coffee cup tumbles from his hand. It hits the floor with
the SMASH of cheap porcelain. Coffee splatters everywhere.
Rabin snaps out of his droning and looks up in surprise.

KUJAN'S P.O.V.

Kujan is staring not at what is on the bulletin board, but at
the bulletin board itself.

His eyes follow the aluminum frame, mounted firmly to the
wall. One might note it's sturdy construction and it's
convenient size. Big enough to hold a lifetime of forgotten
and disregarded notes and facts. Years of police trivia that
has been hung and forgotten with the intention of finding a
use for it all someday. One might want such a bulletin board
for one's self. One would look to see who makes such a
bulletin board.

Kujan's eyes are locked on a metal plate bearing the
manufacturer's name.

YELLOW 06/11/94

It reads: QUARTET - SKOKIE, ILLINOIS

Kujan's eyes flash all over the bulletin board. He finds a
picture of Rabin in the far corner.
140.
He stands beside a scale in fishing gear. He proudly holds a
hand out to his freshly caught marlin. His eyes skim quickly
over and stop on an eight and a half by eleven inch fax sheet
of what must be a THREE HUNDRED POUND BLACK MAN. Kujan glazes
over his name, it is irrelevant. His aliases stand out.

Slavin, BRICKS, Shank, REDFOOT, Thee, Rooster...

KUJAN'S EYES WIDEN with sudden realization. He runs for the
door.

His foot crushes the broken pieces of Rabin's coffee cup. The
cup that hovered over Verbal's head for two hours.

Kujan is in too much of a hurry to notice the two words
printed on the jagged piece that had been the bottom of the
cheap mug.

KOBAYASHI PORCELAIN.

150 EXT. HALLWAY 150

Kujan is sprinting wildly down the hall for the stairs.

151 EXT. STREET 151

Verbal looks behind him and sees ANOTHER COP standing just
inside the doorway, lighting a cigarette. The cop notices
Verbal and watches him in the way that cops look at people
they cannot place in the category of idiot citizen, or stupid
criminal.

Verbal smiles politely, meekly at the cop and walks down the
steps into the moving throng.
Genres: []

Summary Kujan realizes Keyser Soze's true identity and races to find him as Verbal walks free from the hospital.
Strengths "The tension and sense of urgency are evident throughout the scene, building up to Kujan's realization and sprint down the hallway. The scene effectively sets up the final confrontation between Kujan and Verbal\/Keyser Soze."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant character development and dialogue."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene lacks clear direction and purpose. It seems to meander and jump between different characters without a clear goal or conflict driving the action. For example, the scene starts with Daniel inspecting a sketch, then abruptly shifts to him using a fax machine without permission, and then jumps to Verbal picking up his personal belongings. This lack of focus makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged and invested in the scene.

Additionally, the dialogue is somewhat confusing and disjointed. The conversation between Kujan and Rabin lacks a clear purpose and often veers off into tangents or non-sequiturs. This further detracts from the scene's cohesion and effectiveness.

Overall, I would recommend the writer focus on driving the scene with a clear goal or conflict and streamline the dialogue to create a more impactful and engaging scene.
Suggestions First, I would suggest adding more tension or action in this scene. Right now, it feels stagnant and doesn't really drive the story forward. Perhaps have Kujan discover something more significant on the bulletin board that directly relates to the mystery they are trying to solve.

Secondly, I would recommend giving more context to Verbal's actions and including his thoughts or reactions to what is happening around him. This will help the audience connect with his character and understand his motivations.

Lastly, there is a lack of dialogue in this scene. Adding a conversation between characters could provide more depth and insight into their personalities and relationships.



Scene 34 -  The Escape
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
152 INT. DEPOT 152

Kujan runs up to the desk where Verbal had only moments
before picked up his belongings. Rabin is right behind him, a
look of absolute confusion on his face.

KUJAN
WHERE IS HE? DID YOU SEE HIM?
141.

COP
The Cripple? He went that way.

YELLOW 06/11/94

The cog gestures towards the door.

Kujan runs outside looking around frantically.

153 SCENE DELETED 153

YELLOW 06/11/94

154 EXT. SIDEWALK 154

Verbal limps his way carefully across the sidewalk, avoiding
people as best as he can.

He looks over his shoulder, getting farther away from the
police station. He can see Rabin and the cop on the steps,
looking around with strange, lost expressions on their faces.

He does not notice the car creeping along the curb beside
him.

155 INT. CAR 155

DRIVER'S P.O.V.

The driver's hands tap the wheel patiently. His eyes follow
Verbal as he fumbles through the crowd.

156 EXT. SIDEWALK 156

Kujan pushes and shoves, looking this way and that.

157 EXT. STREET 157

LOW ANGLE on the feet of dozens of people. Verbal's feet
emerge from the crowd on the far side. They hobble along the
curb.
142.

SUDDENLY, the right foot seems to relax a little, the inward
angle straightens itself out in a few paces and the limp
ceases as though the leg has grown another inch.

CRANE UP VERBAL'S BODY

Verbal's hands are rummaging around in his pockets. The good
left hand comes up with a pack of cigarettes, the bad right
hand comes up with a lighter. The right hand flexes with all

BLUE 06/01/94

of the grace and coordination of a sculptor's, flicking the
clasp on the antique lighter with the thumb, striking the
flint with the index finger. It is a fluid motion, somewhat
showy.

Verbal lights a cigarette and smiles to himself. He turns and
sees the car running alongside.

158 INT. DISPATCHER'S OFFICE 158

Jack Beer pulls the sheet out of the fax machine and turns it
over, revealing the composite sketch of Keyser SOZE.

Though crude and distorted, one cannot help but notice how
much it looks like VERBAL KINT.

159 EXT. STREET 159

The car stops. The driver gets out. IT IS KOBAYASHI, or the
man we have come to know as such. He smiles to Verbal. Verbal
steps off of the curb, returning the smile as he opens the
passenger door and gets in.

The man called Kobayashi gets in the driver's seat and pulls
away.

A moment later, Agent David Kujan of U.S. Customs wanders
into the frame, looking around much in the way a child would
when lost at the circus.
143.

He takes no notice of the car pulling out into traffic,
blending in with the rest of the cars filled with people on
their way back to work.

BLACK
Genres: ["crime","thriller"]

Summary Verbal escapes from the hospital and is picked up by the mysterious Kobayashi who appears to be Keyser Soze. Kujan realizes Verbal's true identity and is left searching for him.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is palpable and keeps the audience engaged. The reveal that Verbal may be Keyser Soze is a strong plot twist that leaves the audience questioning everything they thought they knew. "
Weaknesses "The scene may be confusing to some viewers who are not familiar with the previous events and characters in the story. Some may be disappointed that the identity of Keyser Soze is not definitively revealed."
Critique The scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and excitement of the chase. The use of visual cues, such as Verbal's changing gait and the driver's POV shot, is particularly effective in building suspense. The reveal of Kobayashi as the driver is a satisfying pay-off to the mystery that has been building throughout the film. Overall, the scene is a strong example of skilled screenwriting.
Suggestions My suggestion for improving this scene would be to add more tension and urgency to the chase. Right now, it feels slightly anticlimactic and lacks the excitement that would make the audience invested in whether or not Verbal gets away. One option to achieve this could be to add music that builds suspense as Kujan runs outside and searches for Verbal. Additionally, there could be more close-ups on the characters' faces to show their determination and desperation. Furthermore, cutting between Kujan's pursuit and Verbal's escape could create a more dynamic and engaging scene. Finally, adding dialogue or inner monologue for Verbal could give the audience insight into his thoughts and motivations, making him a more complex and interesting character.