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Scene 1 -  A Christmas Wish Unfulfilled
EXT. SPACE - X

As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to
slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States.
The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through
the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see
large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It’s
winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one
small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear
the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It has been said that magic vanished from
our world a long time ago. And that
humanity can no longer fulfill its
desires through the power of wishes.
To those who have lost the wondrous
vision of childhood eyes, submitted here
is the story of a little boy, and a
magical Christmas wish that changed his
life forever.


EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It began in 1985, in a town just outside
Boston.

We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at
each other in the street.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits. That
special time of year when Boston children
gather together and beat up the Jewish
kids.

Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled,
and starts walking up the street. One of the snowball-
throwing kids points at the sled kid.

KID #1
Hey, Greenbaum!

GREENBAUM
Uh oh.

KID #1
It’s Jesus’ birthday tomorrow! You know
what I’m gonna get him?

GREENBAUM
W...what?
(CONTINUED)
2
CONTINUED:

KID #1
My fist in your fuckin’ face!

GREENBAUM
Why would Jesus want that?

KID #2
Get him!

The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle
him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy
and innocent-looking) approaches the melee.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
But there was one child who wasn’t in
such good spirits. Little John Bennett.
That one boy in every neighborhood who
just has a tough time making friends.

JOHN
Hey guys, can I play?

The kids all look at him.

KID #1/#2/#3
Get outta here! / Get outta here,
Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett!

The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John.

GREENBAUM
Yeah, Bennett, get outta here!

The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly
walks back toward his house.


INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

NARRATOR (V.O.)
John longed with all his heart for that
one true friend that he could call his
own. And he knew that if he ever found
that friend, he would never let him go.

John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands,
looking outside. John’S POV - We see the other kids all
playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing
snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A
WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with
open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Well, as it does every year, Christmas
morning finally came.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
3
CONTINUED:
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All the children were opening their gifts
with holiday glee.


INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on,
smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with
delight.


INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on,
smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is
overjoyed.


INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on,
smiling. Inside is a “Darth Vader head” action figure case.
The boy opens it up, revealing that it’s full of “Star Wars”
action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary On Christmas Eve in 1985, a lonely 8-year-old boy named John Bennett watches from his window as other kids play joyfully in the snowy suburban neighborhood outside Boston. Excluded and bullied by peers, particularly by a boy named Greenbaum, John longs for friendship but faces ridicule instead. The scene captures the bittersweet contrast between the innocence of childhood and the harsh realities of bullying, ending with a transition to the joy of Christmas morning, highlighting John's isolation.
Strengths
  • Establishing emotional connection with the main character, introducing the magical element effectively, setting up themes of friendship and belonging
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict, dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main character's longing for friendship and introduces the magical element of the Christmas wish, creating intrigue and emotional investment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a magical Christmas wish granting friendship and belonging is compelling and sets up a strong foundation for character development and plot progression.

Plot: 8

The plot is effectively introduced with the establishment of the main character's desire for friendship and the magical element of the Christmas wish. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar theme of childhood loneliness and friendship but adds a unique twist with the Christmas setting and the interactions between the kids.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with distinct personalities and motivations, setting up potential arcs and relationships. The main character's loneliness is effectively conveyed.

Character Changes: 6

While the main character's longing for friendship is established, significant character changes have yet to occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to find a true friend that he can call his own, reflecting his deep desire for companionship and connection.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to navigate the social challenges and bullying behavior in his neighborhood, particularly from the other kids.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is minimal in this scene, primarily focusing on the main character's internal struggle with loneliness and the desire for friendship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition from the other kids adds conflict and tension to the scene, creating obstacles for John's goals.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional and personal struggles rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and themes of the story, moving the narrative forward by introducing key elements and characters.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in its setup of childhood dynamics and loneliness, but the specific interactions and character dynamics add some unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the innocence and loneliness of John against the harshness and exclusion of the other kids in the neighborhood.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for the main character's loneliness and sets up emotional resonance for the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in establishing character dynamics and setting the tone, but could be more impactful and memorable.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its relatable themes, emotional depth, and the audience's investment in John's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted with clear transitions between locations and effective use of visual and auditory cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of the characters and their dynamics, leading to a development of John's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The opening narration by Patrick Stewart sets a whimsical tone, but the transition from the philosophical introduction to the bullying scene feels abrupt. The contrast between the magical theme and the harsh reality of childhood bullying could be better bridged to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue among the kids is sharp and captures the cruelty of childhood, but it risks alienating the audience with its harshness. The line about 'beating up the Jewish kids' is particularly jarring and could be perceived as offensive. While it may aim for dark humor, it may detract from the overall charm of the story.
  • John Bennett's character is introduced effectively as shy and innocent, but the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling to show his isolation. Instead of just stating that he is excluded, consider using visual cues, such as John watching the other kids from a distance or showing his longing through facial expressions.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The transition from the bullying to John's internal longing feels rushed. More time could be spent on John's emotional state to deepen the audience's connection to him before moving on to the Christmas morning scenes.
  • The use of narration is a double-edged sword. While it provides context, it can also distance the audience from the characters' experiences. Consider integrating more of John's thoughts and feelings through action and dialogue rather than relying heavily on voiceover.
Suggestions
  • Consider softening the dialogue among the kids to maintain humor without crossing into offensive territory. This could involve using playful banter instead of outright bullying.
  • Enhance John's emotional journey by incorporating more visual storytelling elements. For example, show him watching the other kids play with a wistful expression or include a moment where he tries to join in but hesitates.
  • Rework the narration to create a smoother transition into the bullying scene. Perhaps start with a more general observation about childhood before diving into the specific events of the day.
  • Spend more time on John's internal conflict and feelings of isolation before transitioning to the Christmas morning scenes. This could involve a brief flashback or a moment of reflection that highlights his longing for friendship.
  • Consider reducing the reliance on narration by allowing the characters' actions and interactions to convey the story. This will create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 2 -  A Christmas Wish for Teddy
EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING


INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And for little John Bennett, Christmas
Day brought a very special new arrival.

John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a
present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear.
The boy holds it with delight.

JOHN
Wow!

HIS MOM AND DAD hug him.

JOHN’S DAD
I guess Santa paid attention to how good
you were this year, huh?

JOHN’S MOM
(kissing him)
Merry Christmas, John.

John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, high-
pitched “I wuv you” sound. John gasps with delight.

(CONTINUED)
4
CONTINUED:

JOHN
He talks!

John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk,
as his mom and dad exchange a smile.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna name you Teddy.


INT. JOHN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film “Flash
Gordon” on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next
to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a “bite.”

NARRATOR (V.O.)
John became instantly attached to Teddy.
There was something about that bear that
made him feel as if he finally had a
friend with whom he could share his
deepest secrets.


INT. JOHN’S ROOM - NIGHT

JOHN
Hey Teddy... can I tell you something
nobody knows?

Teddy looks back at him, expressionless.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Last week, my mom and dad took me to the
park for a picnic. And they have this
duck pond there, and... when nobody was
looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it
at a duck. Was that mean?

He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the “I wuv you”
sound.

JOHN (CONT’D)
(hugging him)
I love you too, Teddy!

John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with
it.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You know... I wish you could really talk
to me. Because then we could be best
friends forever and ever.


(CONTINUED)
5
CONTINUED:

John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the
window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house
slowly.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Now, if there’s one thing you can be sure
of... it’s that nothing is more powerful
than a young boy’s wish.
(beat)
Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache
helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry. An absolute
death machine. Well, as it turned out,
John picked the perfect night to make a
wish.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Fantasy"]

Summary On Christmas Day, young John Bennett joyfully unwraps a plush teddy bear he names Teddy, quickly forming a deep bond with it. As he shares secrets and stories with Teddy, including a mischievous park incident, John's parents express their love and pride. The scene captures the warmth of family and the magic of childhood wishes, culminating in John's heartfelt desire for Teddy to talk. As he drifts off to sleep beside his new friend, the narrator humorously contrasts his innocent wish with the power of an Apache helicopter, hinting at the adventures to come.
Strengths
  • Emotional resonance
  • Innocence of childhood
  • Magical element
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Predictable storyline

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the emotional connection between John and his new teddy bear, setting up a poignant and heartwarming storyline. The introduction of the magical element adds depth to the narrative and engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a lonely boy finding solace and friendship in a magical teddy bear is engaging and heartwarming. It sets up a strong foundation for character development and emotional resonance throughout the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the introduction of the teddy bear and the beginning of John's bond with it. It sets up the central conflict of John's loneliness and desire for friendship, laying the groundwork for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique twist on the classic 'boy and his teddy bear' trope by incorporating elements of humor and unexpected commentary. The authenticity of the protagonist's actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially John, are well-developed in this scene. John's loneliness and longing for friendship are effectively portrayed, while the introduction of the teddy bear adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and development in John as he forms a bond with the teddy bear.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a friend and confidant in the teddy bear. This reflects his need for companionship and understanding, as well as his desire for a deeper connection with someone or something.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to enjoy Christmas and bond with his new teddy bear. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the holiday season and the gift he received.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the internal struggles of the characters, particularly John's loneliness and longing for friendship.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is relatively mild, with the protagonist facing internal conflicts and challenges rather than external obstacles. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate his emotions and relationships.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the emotional journey of the characters rather than high-stakes conflicts or events.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the central relationship between John and the teddy bear, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it blends moments of humor with deeper emotional revelations, keeping the audience on their toes and engaged in the protagonist's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between innocence and reality evident in this scene. The protagonist's belief in the teddy bear's ability to understand and be his friend contrasts with the harsh reality of the world outside his imagination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of joy, loneliness, and longing in the audience. The bond between John and the teddy bear is heartwarming and relatable.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is simple and heartfelt, reflecting the innocence and sincerity of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and connections between John and the teddy bear.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines heartwarming moments with humor, creating a dynamic and relatable portrayal of childhood innocence and imagination. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's world and emotions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection and action, creating a dynamic and engaging flow. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative descriptions enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, development, and resolution of the protagonist's internal and external goals. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the joy and innocence of childhood, particularly through John's interaction with his new teddy bear. The dialogue is simple yet heartfelt, which aligns well with the emotional tone of the scene.
  • The use of narration by Patrick Stewart adds a whimsical and nostalgic layer to the storytelling, contrasting the magic of childhood wishes with the humor of the Apache helicopter analogy. This juxtaposition is clever and sets the tone for the fantastical elements to come.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. While the dialogue and narration are strong, incorporating more visual cues that show John's emotional journey—such as close-ups of his expressions or the environment around him—could enhance the audience's connection to his character.
  • The transition between the different settings (from the living room to John's room) feels a bit abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative and keep the audience engaged.
  • The humor in John's confession about throwing poop at a duck is amusing and fits the character's age, but it might be worth considering how this moment contributes to the overall narrative. While it showcases John's innocence, it could also be perceived as crude for some audiences. Balancing humor with sensitivity is key.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements that reflect John's emotions, such as close-ups of his face when he first sees the teddy bear or when he shares his secret. This would help the audience connect more deeply with his character.
  • To improve the transition between scenes, you could include a brief moment of John looking out the window or a shot of the snowy landscape before moving to the next setting. This would create a more cohesive flow.
  • Evaluate the balance of humor in John's confession. If the goal is to maintain a light-hearted tone, consider softening the language or context to ensure it resonates positively with all audiences.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a moment where John's parents react to his attachment to Teddy, which could further emphasize the theme of childhood innocence and parental love.
  • Consider using sound design to enhance the scene, such as the sounds of Christmas morning or the background music from 'Flash Gordon' to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 3 -  The Magic of Friendship
EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the
snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the
clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which
we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by
through the opening.


INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear’s face as John lies
sleeping next to it.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING

The house and yard are covered with snow.


INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - SAME

John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy,
but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John
bolts upright and looks around, frantically.

JOHN
Teddy?
(beat, a bit more concerned)
Teddy?!




(CONTINUED)
6
CONTINUED:

John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there.
He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed’s perimeter,
assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the
night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE
FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Teddy?

John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the
camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN’S P.O.V.: We see the
face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once.

TEDDY
Hug me.

John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at
Teddy, breathing heavily.

JOHN
Did you... did you just talk?

TEDDY
You’re my best friend, John.

JOHN
(beat)
You’re alive?!

TEDDY
Uh-huh.

JOHN
Whoa...

TEDDY
Don’t look so surprised. You’re the one
who wished for it, aren’t you?

JOHN
Yeah, I... I did wish for it.

TEDDY
Well, here I am.

JOHN
You mean... we get to be best friends...
for real?

TEDDY
For real.

JOHN
Forever and ever?

(CONTINUED)
7
CONTINUED:

TEDDY
Sounds good to me.

A huge grin spreads across John’s face. He gets up, runs
to Teddy and hugs him.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
John was just about the happiest boy in
the world. And he couldn’t wait to tell
everyone the good news.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Family","Drama"]

Summary In a whimsical scene, John wakes up to find his beloved teddy bear, Teddy, missing. After a frantic search, he discovers Teddy alive and able to talk, leading to a joyful conversation about their friendship. The scene captures the magic of childhood imagination as John hugs Teddy, feeling ecstatic about their newfound reality.
Strengths
  • Magical atmosphere
  • Heartwarming dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces a key magical element to the story, setting up the theme of friendship and wish fulfillment. The dialogue and interactions between John and Teddy are heartwarming and engaging, drawing the audience into the magical world of the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a talking teddy bear granting a young boy's wish for friendship is both imaginative and heartwarming, adding a magical element to the story that resonates with audiences.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the introduction of the magical element of the talking teddy bear and the establishment of the friendship between John and Teddy. It moves the story forward by deepening John's character and setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and imaginative concept of a talking teddy bear, blending elements of fantasy and reality in a heartwarming way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Teddy are well-developed in this scene, with John's longing for friendship and Teddy's playful and supportive nature coming through effectively. The interaction between the two characters is engaging and heartwarming.

Character Changes: 7

John undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from loneliness and longing for friendship to the joy and wonder of having a talking teddy bear as a best friend. This sets up his character arc for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find his missing teddy bear, which reflects his need for companionship and comfort.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the sudden appearance of his talking teddy bear, which reflects the immediate challenge of accepting the magical reality before him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on the emotional journey of John and the magical element of the talking teddy bear. The conflict is internal, as John grapples with the reality of his wish coming true.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge the protagonist's beliefs, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on the emotional journey of John and the magical element of the talking teddy bear. The emphasis is on wish fulfillment and the power of friendship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key magical element and deepening the bond between John and Teddy. It sets the stage for future developments and character growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a surprising and fantastical element with the talking teddy bear, keeping the audience intrigued and eager to see how the story unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of wishes coming true and the implications of magical realism. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the boundaries between reality and fantasy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of joy, wonder, and hope in the audience. The moment when Teddy speaks for the first time is particularly poignant and heartwarming.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between John and Teddy is key to establishing their bond and the magical nature of their friendship. It is heartfelt and engaging, drawing the audience into the emotional core of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's curiosity and emotional investment in the protagonist's magical encounter with his talking teddy bear.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the protagonist's discovery of the talking teddy bear.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, transitioning smoothly between different settings and building suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the transition from the magical atmosphere of Christmas Eve to the excitement of Christmas morning, which is essential for establishing the emotional stakes for John and his relationship with Teddy. However, the pacing could be improved; the slow push-in on Teddy's face feels a bit drawn out and could benefit from a quicker transition to John's awakening to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue between John and Teddy is charming and captures the innocence of childhood. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, John's repeated questioning of 'Teddy?' could be streamlined to enhance the urgency of his search without losing the emotional weight.
  • The visual elements, such as the snow and the moonlit sky, create a beautiful backdrop that enhances the magical tone of the scene. However, the transition from the exterior shot of the neighborhood to John's bedroom could be more seamless. Consider using a more dynamic transition that connects the two settings, perhaps through a visual motif like a snowflake falling from the sky and landing on John's window.
  • The reveal of Teddy coming to life is a pivotal moment, but the initial shock could be heightened. Instead of John simply yelping and stumbling back, consider adding a moment of disbelief or a humorous reaction that showcases John's personality more vividly. This would help to deepen the audience's connection to him.
  • The narrator's voiceover at the end serves as a nice bridge to the next scene, but it could be more impactful if it reflected John's emotional state more directly. Instead of stating he was the happiest boy, perhaps the narrator could express the significance of this moment in John's life, emphasizing the theme of childhood wishes coming true.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the pacing by reducing the length of the slow push-in on Teddy's face and transitioning more quickly to John's awakening.
  • Streamline John's dialogue when searching for Teddy to enhance urgency, possibly by reducing the repetition of 'Teddy?'
  • Create a more seamless transition between the exterior shot of the neighborhood and John's bedroom, possibly using a visual motif to connect the two settings.
  • Enhance John's reaction to Teddy coming to life by adding a moment of disbelief or humor to showcase his personality and deepen audience connection.
  • Revise the narrator's voiceover to reflect John's emotional state more directly, emphasizing the significance of the moment and the theme of childhood wishes coming true.



Scene 4 -  A Christmas Miracle Gone Awry
INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER

John’s Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper
as John’s Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on
their plates.

JOHN’S MOM
Well, I think we had a wonderful
Christmas this year.

JOHN’S DAD
One of the best.
(slyly)
And I particularly enjoyed the gift you
gave me last night.

John runs into the kitchen.

JOHN
Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear’s
alive!

John’s Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.

JOHN’S MOM
(playing along)
Really, sweetie? Well, that’s exciting.

JOHN
No mom, he’s alive! For real! Look!

Teddy walks in and stands next to John.

TEDDY
Merry Christmas, everybody!

John’s Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the
table. John’s mom screams.

JOHN’S DAD
Jesus H. Fuck!


(CONTINUED)
8
CONTINUED:

TEDDY
Let’s all be best friends!

JOHN’S MOM
Oh my god...

JOHN’S DAD
John, get away from that thing! Come
over here, right now!

JOHN
But Dad--

JOHN’S DAD
GET OVER HERE!

John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and
protectively pulls him aside.

JOHN’S DAD (CONT’D)
Helen, get my gun.

JOHN
Dad, no!

TEDDY
Is it a hugging gun?

JOHN’S DAD
Helen, get my gun, and call the police!

TEDDY
I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn’t mean to
scare anybody. I just wanted John and I
to be friends.

JOHN
Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that
Teddy was alive, and my wish came true!

JOHN’S MOM
(astonished whisper)
My god, Steve... it’s a miracle. A
Christmas miracle.

They stare at Teddy for a beat.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Well, it wasn’t long before the story of
John’s little miracle was sweeping the
nation.
9
Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Family"]

Summary In a kitchen filled with post-Christmas cheer, John's excitement about his teddy bear being alive quickly turns to chaos when Teddy enters, causing panic in his father. John's Dad, terrified, insists on getting a gun to protect his son, while John's Mom suggests it might be a miracle. The scene shifts from festive joy to disbelief as the family grapples with the reality of a talking teddy bear.
Strengths
  • Unique concept of a teddy bear coming to life
  • Effective balance of humor and heartwarming moments
  • Clear character motivations and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome of the teddy bear coming to life
  • Some dialogue may come off as cliched or exaggerated

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, heartwarming moments, and a touch of tension to create an engaging and memorable sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a teddy bear coming to life due to a boy's wish is unique and engaging, setting up a magical and heartwarming story.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses effectively by introducing the magical element, creating conflict between characters, and setting up the central conflict of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of a talking teddy bear coming to life, adding a unique twist to a typical family setting. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with John as the lonely boy longing for friendship, Teddy as the magical teddy bear, and the parents reacting realistically to the situation.

Character Changes: 7

John experiences a change in his relationship with Teddy, moving from loneliness to friendship, while the parents' perspective on magic and wishes is challenged.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to prove to his parents that his teddy bear is alive. This reflects his desire for validation and belief in the impossible.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince his parents that his teddy bear is alive and harmless. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a supernatural event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters, particularly the parents' fear of Teddy, adds tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the parents' fear and disbelief creating a barrier for the protagonist to overcome in proving the teddy bear's innocence.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high for the characters, as they grapple with the reality of a magical teddy bear and the implications of John's wish.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the central magical element and setting up the conflict between characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the teddy bear coming to life and the characters' varied reactions to the supernatural event.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the parents' fear and disbelief in the supernatural and John's belief in the magic of Christmas and his wish coming true.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from joy to fear, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions of the characters, adds humor, and drives the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, suspense, and heartwarming moments, keeping the audience invested in the characters' reactions and the unfolding supernatural event.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to the climactic moment of the teddy bear coming to life.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the standard format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a family comedy genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the excitement and innocence of childhood, particularly through John's enthusiastic declaration about Teddy being alive. However, the initial reactions of the parents could be more nuanced. Instead of immediate panic, they might exhibit a mix of disbelief and curiosity before escalating to fear, which would add depth to their characters.
  • The dialogue is playful and captures the whimsical tone of the story, but some lines, particularly from John's Dad, feel overly exaggerated. The use of 'Jesus H. Fuck!' could be toned down to maintain the family-friendly aspect of the film, especially considering the target audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is brisk, which works well for the comedic elements, but it might benefit from a moment of pause after Teddy enters. This would allow the audience to absorb the absurdity of a talking teddy bear before the chaos ensues, enhancing the comedic impact.
  • The narrator's voiceover at the end serves as a nice transition, but it could be more integrated into the scene. Instead of a straightforward narration, consider having the narrator's voice overlap with the characters' reactions, creating a more immersive experience.
  • The physical comedy of John's Dad knocking over plates is effective, but it could be enhanced with more visual gags or reactions from John and his Mom. For instance, they could have a moment of synchronized shock or a humorous exchange about the mess, adding to the comedic tone.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where John's parents exchange glances that convey a mix of disbelief and concern before the chaos erupts. This would add depth to their characters and make their eventual panic more impactful.
  • Revise John's Dad's reaction to be less extreme. Instead of a profanity, perhaps he could express disbelief in a more humorous, family-friendly way, such as 'What in the world is happening?' This keeps the tone light while still conveying shock.
  • Introduce a brief pause after Teddy's entrance to allow the audience to absorb the moment. This could be a comedic beat where John eagerly awaits their reaction, heightening the anticipation before the chaos unfolds.
  • Integrate the narrator's voiceover more seamlessly into the scene. For example, have the narrator comment on the absurdity of the situation as it unfolds, rather than summarizing afterward, to create a more dynamic storytelling experience.
  • Enhance the physical comedy by incorporating more visual gags, such as John's Mom trying to catch the falling plates or John attempting to calm his Dad down while still holding Teddy. This would add layers to the humor and keep the scene lively.



Scene 5 -  Teddy's Rise to Fame
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

We see an 80’s NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A
graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder.

NEWSCASTER
Out of a Boston suburb comes what is,
without a doubt, the most incredible
story in the history of broadcast news...

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

We see an 80’s FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear
is over her left shoulder.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER
...young boy’s stuffed animal has
magically come to life for as yet unknown
reasons. Scientists are stumped as to
how...

AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18

We see a ‘70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says
“ACTION NEWS GEORGIA”. He points manically at the
graphic of the bear above his left shoulder.

SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus
did! Look what Jesus did!


INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER
sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the
screen, is a picture of the bear.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER
(SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS)

The male newscaster turns sharply to her.

MALE NEWSCASTER
(ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE)

He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her
head in her hands, in shame.
10


INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV)

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Before long, Teddy had become a huge
celebrity in his own right.

We see REAL FOOTAGE of “The Tonight Show” from the ‘80’s,
with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in
the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible,
will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands
with Johnny and sitting down.)

REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE


INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT


INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a
flashlight.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
But through all the fame, Teddy never
forgot his very best friend, John.

JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
The thunder can’t get us, right?

TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS)
Nope. We’re thunder buddies. And the
thunder knows it. We’re totally safe.

ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them.

JOHN
Teddy?

TEDDY
Yeah, John?

JOHN
Do you promise we’ll always be together?

TEDDY
I promise.

Another thunder clap.

TEDDY (CONT’D)
Thunder buddies for life.

JOHN
Thunder buddies for life.
(CONTINUED)
11
CONTINUED:

They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the
covers.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And that was a promise that neither one
of them ever forgot.

Over the following, we continue to pull back from the
room to the outside of the moonlit house...

NARRATOR (V.O.)
So where are John and Teddy today? Well,
let me put it this way: no matter how big
a splash you make in this world, whether
you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz,
Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear,
eventually nobody gives a shit.

SMASH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary In a nostalgic 80's setting, various news broadcasts celebrate the miraculous event of a young boy's stuffed animal, Teddy, coming to life. Excited newscasters from Boston to the South report on Teddy's newfound fame, while a tense moment unfolds in a Japanese newsroom. The scene culminates with a heartfelt exchange between John and Teddy, reaffirming their bond as 'thunder buddies' amidst a thunderstorm, highlighting the warmth of their friendship against the backdrop of fleeting celebrity.
Strengths
  • Unique concept of a talking teddy bear
  • Blend of humor and heartwarming moments
  • Engaging dialogue and character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Minimal conflict or high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, fantasy, and emotional depth to create an engaging and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a teddy bear coming to life and becoming a celebrity is unique and engaging. It adds a fantastical element to the story while exploring themes of friendship and childhood innocence.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses effectively, introducing the magical element of Teddy coming to life and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the concept of a talking teddy bear, exploring themes of friendship, fame, and the impact of celebrity culture on personal relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with John's innocence and longing for friendship contrasting with the reactions of his parents and the news anchors. Teddy's loyalty and humor add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the introduction of Teddy as a living character marks a significant change in the dynamic between John and his toy.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his friendship and bond with John, despite his newfound fame and celebrity status. This reflects his deeper need for connection and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate his celebrity status and maintain his public image while staying true to his friendship with John.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the introduction of the magical element and the reactions of characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's internal struggles and external challenges. The uncertainty adds tension and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the wonder and humor of Teddy coming to life rather than intense conflict or danger.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the magical element of Teddy coming to life and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of fame, friendship, and the passage of time. The unexpected turn of events keeps the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of fame and its fleeting nature, contrasting with the enduring value of true friendship and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy and humor to a sense of wonder and warmth. The bond between John and Teddy is heartwarming.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to develop the relationships between characters, particularly John and Teddy. It effectively conveys humor and emotion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, drama, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' relationships and the unfolding narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing dialogue, action, and emotional beats to maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, clearly delineating different locations and characters. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a television news segment, transitioning smoothly between different newsrooms and settings. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the whimsical and surreal nature of Teddy's newfound fame, using a variety of news formats to convey the absurdity of the situation. However, the transitions between different newsrooms could benefit from a more cohesive narrative thread to maintain viewer engagement. Each newscaster's segment feels somewhat disjointed, which may confuse the audience about the overall tone and message.
  • The use of humor, particularly with the Southern newscaster's exaggerated enthusiasm, adds a comedic layer to the scene. However, the Japanese newscaster's interaction could be perceived as culturally insensitive or confusing without proper context. It may be beneficial to clarify the intent behind this moment to avoid alienating viewers.
  • The narration by Patrick Stewart provides a charming and nostalgic tone, but it could be more integrated with the visuals. For instance, the narration could highlight specific moments from the news segments, creating a stronger connection between the voiceover and the visuals.
  • The emotional core of the scene is solidified in the final moments with John and Teddy in bed, emphasizing their bond. However, the transition from the news segments to this intimate moment feels abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the emotional impact and provide a more satisfying narrative flow.
  • The closing lines of the narrator are humorous but may come off as dismissive of the characters' journeys. While the commentary on fame is relevant, it could be framed in a way that respects the emotional stakes of John and Teddy's relationship, ensuring that the audience feels invested in their story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief introduction or context for each newscaster to create a more cohesive narrative. This could involve a quick visual or audio cue that links them together, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • Reevaluate the portrayal of the Japanese newscaster to ensure it is respectful and clear in its intent. This could involve providing subtitles or a more nuanced interaction that avoids stereotypes.
  • Integrate the narration more closely with the visuals by having the narrator comment on specific moments from the news segments, creating a stronger connection between the voiceover and the action on screen.
  • Create a smoother transition from the news segments to the intimate moment between John and Teddy. This could involve a visual cue, such as a fade or a thematic link in the narration that bridges the two parts.
  • Reframe the closing lines of the narrator to maintain humor while also respecting the emotional journey of John and Teddy. This could involve a more reflective tone that acknowledges their bond and the significance of their experiences.



Scene 6 -  From Childhood Joy to Fallen Fame
EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING

We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles
roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout.

PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the
everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO:


INT. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO)

Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at
the camera, chins resting on their hands.


EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO)

Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a
treehouse.

A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted
shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads:
“America’s Little Miracle”. Smaller headlines read,
“Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!” and “The
Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc.”

A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in
front of an American flag. The headline reads, “Ted,
White, and Blue”. Smaller headlines read, “Oliver North
Draws the Heat” and “Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own
‘Robocop’?”
12


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing soapbox racer bit here)


EXT. PARK (PHOTO)

Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday
cake at John’s ninth birthday party.


INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO)

Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing
on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as
tall as Larry.

A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with
the headline “TV’S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!” Smaller
headlines read, “Inside: The Best Show You’re Not
Watching!” and “The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!”

WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF “WHO’S THE BOSS?” INTO WHICH
TED HAS BEEN INSERTED.


INT. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing
as they watch the show.


EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO)

Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his
bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like
E.T.

ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, “UP
CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH ‘TERMINATOR 2’s ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER!” Down below in smaller print it says
“Plus, we talk to Ted the bear”.


EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO)

Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John
looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.


EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO)

John’s high school graduation.


(CONTINUED)
13
CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news
anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads
“FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT”, with an
unflattering photo of Ted.
Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a panoramic view of Boston, transitioning through nostalgic photographs of Young John and his talking teddy bear, Ted, showcasing their joyful childhood moments. As the montage unfolds, it highlights Ted's rise to fame, including interactions with celebrities and joyful experiences shared with Young John. However, the tone shifts as Teenage John appears jaded, and a TV news anchor discusses Ted's downfall, contrasting the innocence of their past with the complexities of adulthood and the bittersweet reality of fame's decline.
Strengths
  • Unique concept of a living teddy bear
  • Blend of humor and heartwarming moments
  • Engaging character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for the concept to become too fantastical or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, heartwarming moments, and satire to create an engaging and entertaining narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a teddy bear coming to life and becoming a celebrity is unique and engaging, offering a blend of fantasy, comedy, and drama.

Plot: 8

The plot effectively follows the journey of the living teddy bear from a beloved companion to a celebrity, with engaging and entertaining developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of nostalgia and friendship, with unique moments and references that add authenticity to the characters' experiences.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially John and Teddy, are well-developed and engaging, contributing to the humor and heartwarming moments of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John experiences a change in his relationship with Teddy, transitioning from a simple companion to a friend and confidant.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reminisce about his past and reflect on the memories he shared with Ted. This reflects his deeper need for connection, friendship, and nostalgia.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, as the focus is more on the internal reflection and nostalgia.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the disbelief and chaos caused by Teddy coming to life, adding humor and tension to the scene.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is not strong, as the focus is more on the protagonist's internal reflection and nostalgia.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor, heartwarming moments, and the fantastical element of a living teddy bear.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the concept of a living teddy bear and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it blends moments of joy and sadness, keeping the audience guessing about the protagonist's emotional state.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the innocence and joy of childhood memories and the harsh realities of adulthood, as seen through the news anchor's negative portrayal of Ted.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy and amusement to surprise and heartwarming moments, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor, emotions, and dynamics between the characters, enhancing the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it evokes a range of emotions, from nostalgia to humor, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, creating a dynamic flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and transitions between locations.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene effectively transitions between past and present moments, creating a cohesive narrative that captures the protagonist's emotional journey.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses a montage format to convey the passage of time and the evolution of John and Ted's relationship. However, the transitions between the various shots could be smoother to maintain a cohesive flow. The abrupt shifts from photos to magazine covers and existing footage may disorient the audience.
  • The use of humor in the magazine headlines is clever and adds a layer of satire about celebrity culture. However, some of the smaller headlines feel a bit forced and could benefit from being more relevant to the narrative or character development.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is nostalgic, but it lacks a strong emotional anchor. While the visuals are engaging, they don't fully convey the depth of John's feelings for Ted as he grows up. Adding a moment of reflection or a voiceover from John could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The scene introduces Teenage John as indifferent and jaded, which is a stark contrast to the earlier joyful moments. However, this shift could be better contextualized. A brief visual or dialogue cue indicating what led to this change in John's demeanor would provide clarity.
  • The final image of the news anchor discussing Ted's downfall is a strong closing note, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to John's emotional journey. A visual cue or a brief moment of John's reaction to this news could create a more poignant connection.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a voiceover from John reflecting on his childhood memories with Ted during the montage. This could provide emotional depth and context to the visuals.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different types of visuals (photos, magazine covers, existing footage) to create a more cohesive flow. Using fade-ins or cross-dissolves could help with this.
  • Revise the smaller headlines in the magazine covers to make them more relevant to the story or to add humor that resonates with the audience's understanding of the characters.
  • Provide a brief visual or dialogue cue that hints at the reasons behind Teenage John's indifference. This could be a flash of a memory or a quick interaction that illustrates his internal conflict.
  • Enhance the final moment with the news anchor by including a shot of John reacting to the news, which would tie his emotional journey to Ted's downfall and create a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 7 -  Mushroom Mischief and Mini Golf Moments
INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO)

We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption
below reads “Ted caught with mushrooms at airport
security”. He’s putting up a bit of a fight, and gives
the “finger” to the camera (the finger is pixilated).


INT. JOHN’S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing.
Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident.




EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing “Phantom Menace” bit)


INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit)

ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to
the status indicator. It reads, “In a Relationship With
Lori Collins.” An arrow clicks on her name, going to her
page. On her wall, it reads “Lori has added 3 new photos
in the album Mobile Uploads”.


EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO)

Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that
John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms
crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl.


EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO)

In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands
laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something)
covering her eyes with his paws.
14


EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO)

John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on
horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also
wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever.


EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the
ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts,
disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing
the ball into the cup “accidentally”. Lori smiles. John
smiles back at her. Ted winks.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary The scene begins with Ted being humorously escorted by airport security for attempting to bring mushrooms through security. This is followed by lighthearted clips of John and Ted laughing about the incident in John's room, interspersed with joyful moments showcasing John and Lori's relationship. Highlights include John winning a stuffed bear for Lori, playful interactions with Ted, and a fun moment at a miniature golf course where Ted helps Lori's ball into the hole, bringing smiles to both her and John.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Unique concept of a talking teddy bear
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and nostalgia while introducing conflict and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear causing chaos in a romantic relationship is unique and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Ted's misadventures and the impact on John and Lori's relationship, providing humor and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of a talking teddy bear as a central character, adding a unique twist to the romantic comedy genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue creates a relatable and entertaining dynamic.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John, Lori, and Ted are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, primarily showcasing the dynamics between the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his relationship with Lori and navigate the challenges that arise from having a talking teddy bear as a best friend. This reflects his desire for love and connection, as well as his fear of losing Lori due to Ted's antics.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a fun day out with Lori and Ted, despite the obstacles and misunderstandings that may arise. This reflects his immediate circumstances of trying to balance his human and teddy bear relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict introduced through Ted's mischievous actions and disapproval in the relationship.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's attempts to juggle his relationships with Lori and Ted. The audience is kept interested in how these conflicts will be resolved, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing Ted's misadventures and the impact on John and Lori's relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions, especially with the presence of Ted as a talking teddy bear. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how each situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's desire for a normal, stable relationship with Lori and the chaotic influence of Ted, who represents a more carefree and unpredictable approach to life. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about what a healthy relationship should look like.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits amusement and nostalgia but lacks deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is humorous and engaging, reflecting the personalities of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, romance, and fantasy elements in a way that keeps the audience entertained and emotionally invested in the characters' relationships and adventures.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing comedic moments with emotional beats, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm that propels the story forward. The transitions between locations and interactions are smooth and well-paced.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and character actions. The visual elements are well integrated with the dialogue, enhancing the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a romantic comedy genre, with a mix of comedic moments, romantic interactions, and character development. The pacing and rhythm flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses existing footage to create a sense of nostalgia and humor, but it lacks a cohesive narrative thread that connects the various clips. The transitions between the airport incident and the memories of John and Lori feel abrupt, which may confuse the audience about the timeline and emotional stakes.
  • The use of captions and existing footage is a creative choice, but it can detract from the immediacy of the story. The audience may feel distanced from the characters' current experiences, as the scene relies heavily on past moments rather than developing the present narrative.
  • While the humor is present, the emotional depth of the characters is somewhat overshadowed by the comedic elements. The scene could benefit from moments that allow the audience to connect more deeply with John and Lori's relationship, especially in light of Ted's antics.
  • The visual elements, such as the photos and existing footage, are engaging but could be better integrated into the narrative. For instance, the photos could be used to illustrate specific memories that relate directly to the current situation, enhancing the emotional resonance.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with rapid shifts between different settings and tones. This could lead to a disjointed viewing experience, making it harder for the audience to follow the emotional arc of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief voiceover or dialogue that ties the clips together, providing context for the audience and enhancing the emotional connection to the characters.
  • Incorporate more current interactions between John and Lori that reflect on the past, allowing the audience to see how their relationship has evolved and how Ted's behavior impacts them now.
  • Use the existing footage strategically to highlight key moments that directly relate to the current narrative, rather than including random clips. This will create a stronger thematic connection.
  • Introduce a moment of reflection for John or Lori that acknowledges the chaos caused by Ted, allowing for a deeper exploration of their feelings about his antics and their relationship.
  • Ensure smoother transitions between the different clips and settings to maintain a consistent tone and pacing throughout the scene, helping the audience stay engaged with the story.



Scene 8 -  Ice Cream, Paint, and Playful Banter
EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert “Jeter sucks” bit)


EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO)


EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY

John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding
an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera,
each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of
ice cream on their upper lips.


EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY

John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up
behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and
grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We
ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering
a “Home Sweet Home” picture into the wall. He steps
back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall.
He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there
like an idiot.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)

John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with
their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of
Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine
bottle on the table in front of them.
15


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)

We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the
background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is
in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up
his letters. He has spelled out the word “DOUCHE”, with
an extra B and G to spare.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch.


EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.)


EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - MORNING


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME

CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales,
his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for
the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is
ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple
stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there’s
evidence of some half-assed sewing. It’s obvious he’s
been around for three decades. He and John, who sits
next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them.
John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the too-
worn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a
box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful,
he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the
remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity
Pebbles all over his face. It doesn’t faze him much,
though, as he brushes them off. It’s quite obvious that
this is a guy who has never really given up his
childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted
passes the bong to John.

TED
All I’m sayin’ is Boston women are are,
on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than
women from the elsewheres of life.

JOHN
That’s bullshit, what about Lori? She’s
hot.

TED
Lori’s from Pennsylvania, not a Boston
girl.
(CONTINUED)
16
CONTINUED:

JOHN
They’re not that bad.

John takes a hit from the bong over Ted’s next line.

TED
The fact that you have to say they’re not
that bad means that they are that bad.
They turn into drunk, half-white, half-
pink monsters after 2 hours at any beach.

Ted takes a hit from the bong.

TED (CONT’D)
(coughs)
Jesus, this is weak. It’s not even
gettin’ me high. I gotta have a talk
with my weed guy.

JOHN
I-- It’s workin’ for me.

TED
I think it sucks, I’m gonna have a talk
with him.

JOHN
Yeah, I don’t know that you wanna go to a
drug dealer with complaints.

TED
No, I know this guy a long time. I’ve
known him since 9/11. Remember, I was
like, “Aw, shit. 9/11. I gotta get
high.”

JOHN
(looks at his watch)
Oh fuck, is it nine-thirty? Shit, I
gotta get to work.

John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get
dressed.

TED
Hey, you mind pickin’ up a bird feeder on
the way home? I wanna start enjoying the
beauty of birds.

JOHN (O.S.)
Jesus, I don’t know if I can drive.

TED
I’ll drive you, I feel fine.
17
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In this comedic scene, John, Lori, and Ted enjoy ice cream outside an ice cream shop, showcasing their playful personalities. Inside their apartment, John and Lori engage in a light-hearted painting scuffle that leads to a kiss, while Ted humorously nails his hand to the wall. The trio later poses with wine, and Ted's antics continue as he critiques Boston women, sparking a humorous debate with John. The scene wraps up with John realizing he's late for work, leading to a funny exchange about picking up a bird feeder.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique concept of a talking teddy bear
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, character interactions, and a unique concept to create an engaging and entertaining moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a talking teddy bear who is a stoner and has been around for decades is unique and provides a fresh and comedic angle to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene focuses on the everyday interactions between the characters, setting up their relationships and dynamics, which is important for the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh and humorous take on everyday life, with authentic dialogue and relatable characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the humor and interactions in the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it focuses more on establishing the characters and their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his carefree and childlike attitude towards life, as evidenced by his reluctance to give up his childhood habits and his attachment to his teddy bear, Ted.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get to work on time, as shown by his hurried actions and dialogue about needing to leave.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on humor and character interactions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is relatively mild, with the conflict between John and Ted serving as a source of humor rather than serious tension.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and character interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key relationships and dynamics that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its humor and character interactions, but still maintains interest through its witty dialogue and relatable situations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between John and Ted regarding the attractiveness of Boston women, reflecting their differing perspectives on life and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly through humor and the bond between the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and natural, capturing the personalities of the characters and enhancing the comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and humorous situations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven comedy, with clear character motivations and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the playful and humorous dynamic between John, Lori, and Ted, showcasing their camaraderie through various activities. However, the transitions between different moments (ice cream shop, painting, and watching a horror movie) feel somewhat abrupt. A smoother flow could enhance the overall coherence of the scene.
  • The use of existing footage and photos adds a nostalgic touch, but it may detract from the immediacy of the characters' interactions. While nostalgia is a key theme, balancing it with fresh dialogue and action could maintain audience engagement.
  • The dialogue between Ted and John regarding Boston women is humorous and establishes character dynamics, but it risks reinforcing negative stereotypes. It might be beneficial to explore this humor in a way that feels more nuanced or self-aware, avoiding potential offense.
  • The visual gags, such as Ted nailing his hand to the wall and John spilling Fruity Pebbles, are effective in conveying the comedic tone. However, the humor could be elevated by incorporating more physical comedy or situational irony that ties back to the characters' personalities.
  • The scene ends with a setup for John's work obligations, which feels somewhat disconnected from the lightheartedness of the earlier moments. A stronger connection between the playful activities and John's responsibilities could create a more cohesive narrative arc.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or connective dialogue between the different activities to create a smoother flow and maintain audience engagement.
  • Incorporate more fresh dialogue or interactions that reflect the characters' current dynamics, rather than relying heavily on existing footage and photos.
  • Revisit the dialogue about Boston women to ensure it remains humorous without reinforcing negative stereotypes. Perhaps include a counterpoint or a humorous rebuttal from Lori.
  • Enhance the physical comedy elements by introducing more situational gags that reflect the characters' personalities and the absurdity of their situations.
  • Create a stronger thematic connection between the playful moments and John's work responsibilities, perhaps by foreshadowing his upcoming challenges or integrating a humorous work-related mishap into the scene.



Scene 9 -  Chaos at Liberty Rent-A-Car
EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS

We see two shots of John’s car driving through the city:
We see John in the passenger’s seat putting Visine into
his eyes, with only Ted’s ears and eyes showing as he
drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an
overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to
reveal it crossing Boston’s huge suspension bridge.


EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING

John’s car pulls up the street and into the parking lot,
scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of
the rental cars.

JOHN/TED
Aw, Jesus. / Fuck.

ANGLE ON Ted’s feet. There are wooden blocks attached to
the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on
the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and
looks at the damage.

JOHN
Aw, man.

TED
Is it bad?

JOHN
It’s not good.

ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch
manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the
doorway.

THOMAS
John! May I speak with you, please?

JOHN
Shit.

TED
It’s okay, go, go, I’ll pull outta here.
(waving)
Hi, Thomas! How are ya?

Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the
car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and
another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking.

OTHER DRIVER
Asshole!

(CONTINUED)
18
CONTINUED:

TED
(overlapping)
Easy, Jersey license!

Ted drives away.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a comedic scene set in Boston, John and his talking teddy bear, Ted, arrive at Liberty Rent-A-Car. While John nervously uses Visine to clear his eyes, Ted's poor driving leads to a series of mishaps, including scraping the rental car against another vehicle. As John faces the serious branch manager, Thomas, Ted's attempts to be friendly only escalate the chaos, culminating in further disruption as they drive away, leaving John to deal with the consequences.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential for the scene to become too chaotic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, chaos, and light-heartedness to create an entertaining and engaging moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear causing a driving mishap is unique and engaging, adding an element of fantasy to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the scene introduces a new conflict and sets up potential consequences for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic car accident scenario by adding humor and unique character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions add depth and humor to the scene, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

The characters' relationships and dynamics shift slightly as a result of the driving mishap.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult situation with the rental car manager and handle the consequences of the car accident. This reflects his fear of facing consequences for his actions and his desire to avoid conflict.

External Goal: 7.5

John's external goal is to resolve the car accident situation with the rental car manager and avoid any further trouble. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the driving mishap and the characters' reactions to it, adding tension and humor.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the characters, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the main narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting up potential consequences for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the chaotic nature of the situation, and the humorous twists that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between responsibility and impulsiveness. John's actions have consequences, and he must face the responsibility of his mistake, while Ted's impulsive behavior adds to the chaos of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits amusement and anxiety from the audience, engaging their emotions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and humorous, adding to the comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and comedic tone that keeps the audience invested in the characters' predicament.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a brisk tempo that keeps the audience engaged and builds tension as the situation escalates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue that are easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic screenplay, with clear action beats, dialogue exchanges, and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor through the absurdity of a teddy bear driving a car, which is a strong comedic element. However, the humor could be enhanced by adding more witty dialogue or banter between John and Ted as they navigate the situation.
  • The visual storytelling is engaging, particularly with the shots of Ted's paws on the steering wheel and the overhead shot of the car crossing the bridge. However, the transition between shots could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of Thomas as the branch manager is a good setup for potential conflict, but his character could be fleshed out a bit more. Adding a line or two that hints at his personality or his relationship with John would make the interaction more impactful.
  • The dialogue between John and Ted is functional but lacks a bit of punch. For instance, when John assesses the damage, a more exaggerated or humorous reaction could elevate the comedic tone. Ted's response could also be more playful to match his character's personality.
  • The scene ends with Ted driving away and a driver yelling at him, which is funny but feels a bit abrupt. A more extended reaction from John or a humorous comment from Ted could provide a stronger conclusion to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a comedic exchange between John and Ted while driving, perhaps about Ted's driving skills or John's reluctance to let a teddy bear drive.
  • Enhance Thomas's introduction by giving him a memorable line or a quirky trait that sets him apart, making the audience more invested in his character.
  • Incorporate more physical comedy, such as Ted struggling to reach the pedals or exaggerated reactions from other drivers, to amplify the humor.
  • Extend the scene's conclusion by including a humorous back-and-forth between John and Ted after the car incident, perhaps with Ted making a joke about needing a license or John's driving skills.
  • Ensure that the transitions between shots maintain a consistent rhythm, possibly by using sound effects or dialogue that links the visuals more cohesively.



Scene 10 -  A Tense Promotion Talk
INT. THOMAS’ OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Thomas sits at his desk facing John.

THOMAS
John, it’s almost ten o’clock.

JOHN
I know, I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault.

THOMAS
What do you mean?

JOHN
(beat)
I guess I... wasn’t really prepared for a
follow-up question.

THOMAS
John, all you have to do is not fuck up,
and you get my job when I go to corporate
next month. You will be the new branch
manager. All you have to do is not fuck
up, and all you’re doing is fucking up.
Not that I don’t think you’re too fucked
up to handle not fucking up my job, but
you happen to be the least fucked-up
person in the whole office. The next
least fucked-up is Alix, and you’ve been
here three fucking years longer than him.
But I’m telling you, I will promote the
fuck out of him if you fuck up one more
time. That is all. Fuck.

JOHN
Sir, I promise, you’re not gonna regret
promoting the fuck out of me.

THOMAS
Good. I like hearing that. Because in a
month my life now could be your life: a
cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who’s
personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It’s
not a bad life, is it?

JOHN
N--no.

(CONTINUED)
19
CONTINUED:

THOMAS
Did you know I’m friends with Tom
Skerritt?

JOHN
No.

THOMAS
I’ll show you something I don’t show too
many people, because I don’t want anyone
treating me differently.

Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom
Skerritt.

THOMAS (CONT’D)
That’s me and Tom Skerritt.

JOHN
(slightly overdone)
Wowwww.

THOMAS
Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here.
I’m gonna dock you for being late, and
for the scratch on that car. Try and be
a little more responsible tomorrow.

JOHN
I will, sir. Thank you. I won’t let you
down, Goose.

THOMAS
What?

JOHN
Top Gun.

THOMAS
So?

JOHN
Tom Skerritt.

THOMAS
Oh.

John exits.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In Thomas's office, he confronts John about his tardiness and lack of preparation, expressing doubts about John's capabilities while acknowledging him as the best candidate for promotion. Thomas shares a personal moment by showing John a photo with Tom Skerritt, highlighting his own achievements. The scene balances tension with humor as John apologizes and lightens the mood with a 'Top Gun' reference before exiting.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Slightly predictable plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor with a serious conversation about job promotion, creating an engaging and entertaining dynamic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear causing chaos in a workplace setting is unique and engaging, adding a comedic element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the conflict between Thomas and John regarding job promotion, with a humorous twist involving Ted the teddy bear.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on workplace comedy, with unique character dynamics and witty dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Thomas, John, and Ted are well-developed and engaging, each contributing to the humor and tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John experiences a shift in his attitude towards responsibility and ambition through his interaction with Thomas.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself as capable and responsible in order to secure a promotion. This reflects his desire for recognition and success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid making any more mistakes that could jeopardize his chances of promotion. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the workplace.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Thomas and John regarding job promotion creates tension and humor in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and conflicts that add depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for John, as his job promotion is on the line, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the conflict between Thomas and John and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for success and recognition, and his fear of failure and disappointment. This challenges his beliefs about his own abilities and worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to tension, but does not heavily focus on emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and effectively conveys the conflict and humor of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, tension between characters, and the high stakes of the protagonist's promotion.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and progressing the plot, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace comedy, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the stakes for John, highlighting his precarious position at work and the pressure he faces from Thomas. However, the dialogue can feel a bit repetitive with the frequent use of the word 'fuck.' While it emphasizes Thomas's frustration, it may come off as excessive and could be streamlined for impact.
  • Thomas's character comes across as a caricature of a frustrated boss, which can detract from the realism of the scene. While this fits the comedic tone, adding more depth to his character could enhance the scene. For instance, showing a moment of vulnerability or a hint of why he values his friendship with Tom Skerritt could make him more relatable.
  • John's responses feel somewhat passive and reactive, which may not fully showcase his character's potential. Instead of just apologizing and agreeing, it would be beneficial to see him assert himself more, perhaps by offering a solution or a plan to improve his performance.
  • The reference to 'Top Gun' is a nice touch that adds humor and character depth, but it could be more seamlessly integrated into the conversation. The transition from serious discussion to a pop culture reference feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother lead-in.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be tightened by reducing some of the back-and-forth dialogue. This would help maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged without losing the comedic tone.
Suggestions
  • Consider reducing the frequency of the word 'fuck' in Thomas's dialogue to maintain its impact while avoiding redundancy. This can be achieved by varying his expressions of frustration.
  • Add a moment of depth to Thomas's character by including a line or two that hints at his personal life or aspirations beyond work, making him more relatable and complex.
  • Empower John by allowing him to take more initiative in the conversation. For example, he could propose a specific strategy to avoid future mistakes, showcasing his growth and determination.
  • Integrate the 'Top Gun' reference more naturally into the dialogue. Perhaps John could relate it to a specific lesson he learned from the movie that applies to his current situation.
  • Tighten the dialogue by cutting unnecessary lines or phrases that don't add to the character development or plot progression. This will help maintain a brisk pace and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 11 -  Office Banter and Relationship Dilemmas
INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

John emerges from Thomas’ office, and walks out into the
front desk area.

(CONTINUED)
20
CONTINUED:

We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton
type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a
pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and
a little bruised.

GUY
There you go, here’s your key and rental
agreement, and a complimentary map of
Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty,
drive safely.

HUSBAND/WIFE
Thank you./Thanks so much.

The couple exits. Guy turns to face John.

GUY
Hey, heard you got busted.

JOHN
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what
happened?

GUY
I don’t know, man. I got fuckin’ wasted
last night, and my phone says I texted
somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me
up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same
person saying thanks.

JOHN
And you don’t remember it?

GUY
No. Same as last time.

JOHN
It... it just seems gay, doesn’t it?

GUY
I don’t know. Maybe, yeah.

JOHN
Do you think you’re part of some, like,
gay beat-up underworld? Like one of
those gay beat-up clubs?

GUY
I don’t know. I dig chicks. I don’t
remember any of it, I was so fucked up.
I might be gay, I don’t know. You mind
covering for me for a bit? I’m gonna go
lay down in the john.


(CONTINUED)
21
CONTINUED:

Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a
vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan
walks up.

ALIX
Hey you buddies. Where’s it hanging?

GUY/JOHN
Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last
night?

ALIX
Ah, I didn’t get in because the bouncer
was doucheface, but I made friends in the
line.

GUY
Oh, well, that’s good I guess.

We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter
from the back with a set of keys.

TANYA
Hi you guys.

Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over
to her station and sits.

ALIX
You look so pretty today.

TANYA
Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this
morning.

ALIX
I can tell, you are less fat than you
have been.

JOHN
Hey guys, does anybody know a nice
restaurant? Like something where the
napkins are cloth?

GUY
For what?

JOHN
Lori and I have been dating four years
tomorrow, and I wanted to take her
someplace nice.

TANYA
Oh wow, congratulations, John.

(CONTINUED)
22
CONTINUED:

GUY
You guys‘ve been goin’ out for four
years?

JOHN
Yeah.

GUY
That’s in--
(high-pitched)
--saaaane, my longest relationship was
like six months, and then she farted in
her sleep. I’m like, I am outta here,
man. Was gone before she woke up.

JOHN
Wow, you’re... not very tolerant, huh.

GUY
Lori ever fart in front of you?

JOHN
Yes.

GUY
Really.

JOHN
Yes. Many times.

GUY
You Italian?

JOHN
No.

GUY
Oh.

JOHN
Why?

GUY
I dunno, just seems like-- never mind,
take her to Benihana.

TANYA
Don’t you think after four years, maybe
she’s probably hoping for something more
than dinner?

JOHN
Like what?


(CONTINUED)
23
CONTINUED:

TANYA
Well, if I were her, I’d be expecting a
proposal.

JOHN
Oh come on, nobody’s expecting anybody to
propose. Marriage isn’t... I mean, isn’t
love enough? I submit that love is
enough.

GUY
You could put the ring in her ass and let
her fart it out.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In the front office of Liberty Rent-A-Car, John encounters his disheveled coworker Guy, who humorously recounts a drunken night that ended with him getting beaten up. Their light-hearted conversation is joined by Alix, who shares his own club experience, and Tanya, who suggests John consider proposing to his girlfriend Lori for their anniversary. The scene is filled with playful banter and camaraderie, culminating in Guy's crude joke about proposals, leaving the discussion on a humorous note.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Natural interactions between characters
  • Humorous banter
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with witty dialogue and engaging interactions between characters, providing humor and insight into their personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring relationships, workplace dynamics, and personal interactions is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 6

The plot focuses on character relationships and personal milestones, providing insight into their lives and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as Guy's drunken antics and the unconventional proposal suggestion, adding a fresh and unexpected twist to the familiar theme of relationships and commitment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it focuses more on establishing relationships and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his coworker Guy's drunken behavior and maintain a sense of normalcy in the workplace. This reflects John's desire for stability and control in his environment.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to plan a special date for his girlfriend Lori's four-year anniversary. This reflects his desire to show his love and commitment to her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on humor and character relationships than intense drama.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with minor conflicts and challenges that add humor and tension to the interactions, creating a sense of unpredictability and intrigue.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and character interactions than intense drama or high-stakes situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up potential conflicts, revealing character relationships, and providing insight into the characters' personal lives.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions, such as Guy's drunken behavior and the proposal suggestion, keeping the audience intrigued and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of love and commitment, as John questions the necessity of a proposal in a long-term relationship. This challenges traditional beliefs about marriage and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene provides light-hearted humor and insight into character relationships, but does not evoke strong emotional responses.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and natural, driving the scene forward and revealing character traits and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its humorous dialogue, quirky characters, and relatable workplace dynamics, keeping the audience entertained and invested in the interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in balancing dialogue and action, maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting guidelines, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical workplace setting with clear character introductions and interactions, maintaining a coherent structure for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a comedic tone through the interactions between John, Guy, Alix, and Tanya. However, the humor sometimes feels forced, particularly in Guy's dialogue about his night out. While the absurdity of his situation is amusing, it could benefit from more subtlety or nuance to avoid coming off as overly crass.
  • The dialogue flows well, but some exchanges, particularly between John and Guy, could be tightened. For instance, the back-and-forth about Guy's potential involvement in a 'gay beat-up underworld' feels a bit drawn out and could be streamlined to maintain pacing.
  • The introduction of Tanya is a nice touch, but her character could be fleshed out more. She serves primarily as a pretty face in this scene, and giving her a more distinct personality or a memorable line could enhance her role and make the scene more dynamic.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional arc or stakes. While the humor is present, there is little tension or conflict that drives the characters' interactions. Adding a layer of urgency or a specific goal for John (beyond just finding a restaurant) could elevate the scene.
  • The dialogue about relationships and proposals is relatable, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to John's character development or his relationship with Lori. This would create a stronger connection between the comedic elements and the underlying themes of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue, especially in Guy's exchanges, to enhance comedic timing and maintain a brisk pace.
  • Introduce a specific goal or conflict for John in this scene, such as a deadline for making dinner reservations, to create urgency and drive the interactions.
  • Develop Tanya's character further by giving her a unique perspective or a memorable line that adds depth to her role in the scene.
  • Incorporate a moment of reflection for John regarding his relationship with Lori, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a more poignant exchange with Guy or Tanya, to deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Explore the comedic potential of the proposal discussion by incorporating a humorous anecdote or a relatable experience that ties back to John's character, making the dialogue feel more organic and connected to the overall narrative.



Scene 12 -  Nostalgic Banter and Beer Names
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME

John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we
saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer
as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The
TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film “Flash
Gordon.” As “Flash’s Theme” plays:

JOHN
So bad, but so good.

TED
Yes, a study in contrasts.

JOHN
Oh, I love this part.
(singing along)
HE’S FOR EVERY ONE OF US!

TED
(singing along)
STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US!

JOHN
(singing along)
HE’LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN
EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY
FLASH!

TED
Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I
forget, let’s nail down a plan for the
Bruins game tomorrow night.

JOHN
I can’t, I’m taking Lori to dinner.

(CONTINUED)
24
CONTINUED:

TED
For what?

JOHN
Well, we’ve been dating four years
tomorrow.

TED
Oh, fuck me. Nice.

JOHN
Lemme ask you something... you don’t
think she’s gonna be expecting
something... big, do you?

TED
(beat)
What, like anal?

JOHN
No, like... a circular gold thing on the
finger.

TED
Oh, fuck that! It’s four years! You and
I have been together 27 years!

Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in
the face.

TED (CONT’D)
Where’s my ring, Johnny? Where’s my
ring, asshole?

JOHN
Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off!
He throws Ted off of him.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I mean, do you think she might be
expecting me to make that kinda move?

TED
No, John. It’s a bad idea. And it’s the
wrong time. What with the economy and...
the credit bubble... the Supreme Court...
I mean, look at Haiti.

JOHN
I guess I didn’t think about that.

ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the
Merciless.

(CONTINUED)
25
CONTINUED:

KLYTUS (ON TV)
Who are you?

FLASH (ON TV)
Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York
Jets.

JOHN
This is the American fantasy, right here.
A professional NFL player is called upon
to save the world.

TED
Tom Brady could do that.

JOHN
Tom Brady could do that.

The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her
mid to late 20’s, enters holding several grocery bags.

LORI
Hi guys.

JOHN
Hey, sweetie.

TED
Hey, Lori.

John gets up and gives Lori a kiss.

LORI
Ooh. I think you just got me stoned.

JOHN
(re: groceries)
What do we got there?

LORI
Turkey burgers.

TED
Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for
dinner or something?

LORI
(wiseass)
No, just you homos.

TED/JOHN
Whoa!!!



(CONTINUED)
26
CONTINUED:

TED
She’s funny, John. You got yourself a
regular Toni Collette.

LORI
Wait, who’s that? Is that good?

JOHN
She’s a comedienne.

LORI
Oh nice. Is she pretty?

JOHN
She’s as pretty as she is funny. How was
work?

LORI
Good.

JOHN
How’s your dickhead boss?

LORI
Rex is fine. He only hit on me once
today, so that’s good.

JOHN
I’m not saying this to be mean, but I
really hope that fucker gets leukemia.

LORI
He’s harmless, I can handle it.

TED
Hey Johnny, while you’re up, grab me a
beer, huh?

JOHN
(crossing to fridge)
Oh yeah, a coupla’ Charles Brew-Kowskis?

TED
Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice
right about now.

We see Lori roll her eyes. She’s heard this before.

LORI
Jesus.

JOHN
Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?


(CONTINUED)
27
CONTINUED:

TED
Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski?

LORI
Y’know, I think I might also have a
Martina Navra-ti-brewski.

JOHN/TED
Ohhhh, that doesn’t work!/Come on, don’t
ruin it, yeah, that doesn’t work.

LORI
Bullshit, what do you mean?

JOHN
It doesn’t work, the name has to have a
“ski” at the end of it. You just put
“brewski” on the end of Martina
Navratolova.

LORI
I thought we were just doing funny names.

TED
No, it’s gotta have a “ski” at the end.
Otherwise where’s the challenge? If
there’s no “ski” at the end of the root
word, then we would just be idiots saying
nonsense.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In a lighthearted scene set in John and Lori's apartment, John and Ted relax on the couch watching 'Flash Gordon' while discussing John's upcoming anniversary with Lori. Ted humorously suggests that John might need to propose, leading to playful banter about their friendship. Lori enters with groceries, seamlessly joining the witty exchanges, including a comedic debate about beer names. The scene captures their camaraderie and resolves John's anxieties through humor, ending with a lively discussion about their beer name game.
Strengths
  • Witty banter
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Playful interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of plot progression
  • Low stakes
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delivers humor and establishes the relationship between the characters through witty banter and playful interactions. The dialogue is engaging and entertaining, keeping the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear engaging in banter with the main character is unique and engaging. The scene effectively explores the comedic potential of this concept through witty dialogue and playful interactions.

Plot: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot, it serves as a character-building moment and establishes the relationship between John and Ted. The focus is more on humor and banter than plot progression.

Originality: 8.5

The scene offers a fresh take on relationship dynamics through humor and banter, with authentic dialogue that captures the characters' personalities effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed through their banter and interactions. John is portrayed as a laid-back and humorous individual, while Ted adds a unique element of comedy as a talking teddy bear.

Character Changes: 4

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, it does establish the relationship between John and Ted and showcases their dynamic through playful interactions. The characters remain consistent in their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to navigate his relationship with Lori and address his concerns about their future together. This reflects his deeper need for stability and commitment.

External Goal: 7.5

John's external goal is to plan for the Bruins game and potentially propose to Lori. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, with the focus being on light-hearted banter and comedic exchanges between the characters. The conflict is more in the form of playful teasing than serious tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from differing viewpoints on relationships and commitment, adding tension to the dialogue.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and banter between the characters than on high-stakes situations. The scene prioritizes entertainment and character development over intense conflict.

Story Forward: 4

The scene does not significantly move the story forward but serves as a character-building moment. It establishes the bond between John and Ted and provides comedic relief without advancing the main plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character dynamics and humor, but the potential proposal adds a layer of unpredictability to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of commitment and timing in relationships. John and Ted's banter about marriage and expectations challenges John's beliefs and values about taking the next step.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily eliciting laughter and amusement from the audience. The humor and banter create a light-hearted and entertaining atmosphere.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the playful dynamic between John and Ted. The banter between the characters is a highlight of the scene and keeps the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, relatable character interactions, and the underlying tension surrounding John's relationship with Lori.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in balancing humor, character interactions, and moments of introspection, maintaining the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character interactions, maintaining a balance between humor and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic dynamic between John and Ted, showcasing their playful banter and friendship. However, the humor sometimes feels forced, particularly with the 'brewski' jokes, which could benefit from more natural dialogue that flows with the characters' personalities.
  • The introduction of Lori adds a fresh dynamic, but her character could be further developed in this scene. While she engages in the banter, her responses feel somewhat reactive rather than proactive. Giving her a stronger voice or a unique perspective could enhance her character and the overall interaction.
  • The references to 'Flash Gordon' serve as a nostalgic touch, but they could be better integrated into the dialogue. The characters' commentary on the film is amusing, yet it occasionally distracts from the main conversation about John's anniversary dinner. Balancing the film references with the character development would strengthen the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could benefit from more varied beats. The rhythm feels a bit repetitive with the back-and-forth banter. Introducing a moment of silence or a more serious reflection on John's relationship with Lori could add depth and contrast to the humor.
  • The transition from the playful banter to the more serious topic of John's potential proposal feels abrupt. A smoother segue could help maintain the flow of the scene and make the shift in tone feel more organic.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving Lori a more active role in the conversation. Allow her to initiate some of the jokes or steer the discussion, which would help establish her character as an equal participant in the dynamic.
  • Refine the 'brewski' jokes to make them feel more organic. Perhaps limit the number of variations and focus on one or two that resonate well with the characters, allowing for a more natural flow of conversation.
  • Integrate the 'Flash Gordon' references more seamlessly into the dialogue. Instead of having the characters sing along, they could make witty observations about specific scenes or characters that relate to their own lives, enhancing the thematic connection.
  • Introduce a moment of vulnerability for John regarding his relationship with Lori before the proposal discussion. This could be a brief reflection or a shared memory that adds emotional weight to the scene.
  • Ensure that the transition to the proposal topic feels more gradual. Perhaps have John express his anxiety about the dinner before Ted brings up the idea of a ring, creating a more cohesive narrative thread.



Scene 13 -  Thunderous Interruption
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

It’s raining, with an occasional roll of thunder.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME

Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news
site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom,
and cozies up next to her.

LORI
(off iPad)
Oh, look, they found those missing
hikers.

JOHN
They did? What happened?

LORI
It says they got separated and one of
them had his foot trapped under a rock
for five days.

(CONTINUED)
28
CONTINUED:

JOHN
You know, if your leg got trapped under a
rock, I’d chew it off to get you free.

LORI
(sweetly)
You would?

JOHN
I sure would.
(beat)
Is that cannibalism?

LORI
No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you
swallow.

JOHN
Oh yeah, no, I don’t swallow.

She laughs.

LORI
Really? That’s not what I heard about
you.

JOHN
It’s not true, I’m a fuckin’ classy
broad.

LORI
(laughs again)
I can see that.
(then)
Y’know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella’s
a really expensive restaurant. If you
want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow
night. I don’t care, as long as we’re
together.

JOHN
You kiddin’ me? Four years we been going
out, I’m takin’ you to the best place in
town. I been crappin’ out room for it
for two days, I know exactly what I’m
gonna order.

LORI
(leaning in to kiss him)
You’re disgusting.

JOHN
And you get to pick any bottle of wine.


(CONTINUED)
29
CONTINUED:

LORI
Ooh.

JOHN
Any bottle of 2012 wine.

LORI
Oh, are the new wines in?

JOHN
They are in and they. Are. Fresh.


She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I love you.

LORI
I love you, too.

They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate.
She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a
thunder clap from outside.

JOHN
Ah, come on!

LORI
(shaking her head)
I don’t understand it, 35 years old, and
you’re still scared of a little thunder.

JOHN
I am not.

We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with
no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and
John.

TED
Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
C’mon, let’s sing the thunder song!

JOHN/TED
(singing)
WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON’T
YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR
THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS:
FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS /
YOU CAN’T GET ME THUNDER, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE
JUST GOD’S FARTS.

TED
Boomp.
(CONTINUED)
30
CONTINUED:

Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Comedy"]

Summary On a rainy night in their cozy apartment, Lori and John share playful banter about missing hikers and dinner plans, leading to a sweet moment of intimacy. However, their romantic atmosphere is hilariously disrupted when Ted jumps into bed with them, singing a silly thunder song, shifting the mood from affectionate to comedic.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative use of a talking teddy bear
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, intimacy, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a talking teddy bear to add humor and depth to the scene is creative and engaging.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and humorous approach to dealing with fear and intimacy, with authentic and relatable character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and engaging interactions that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the bond between the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his love and commitment to Lori in a humorous and affectionate way. This reflects his deeper desire for a strong and loving relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to plan a special date night for Lori. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining the romance and excitement in their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the humor and intimacy.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and character interactions.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't move the main story forward significantly but adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected entrance of Ted and the humorous twist in dealing with John's fear of thunder.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between John's fear of thunder and Ted's humorous approach to dealing with it. This challenges John's belief in being tough and fearless.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, intimacy, and warmth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' relationships and dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, playful banter, and intimate moments between the characters that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor, intimacy, and conflict in a way that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy genre, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that flows smoothly.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the playful and intimate dynamic between John and Lori, showcasing their relationship through humorous banter. However, the transition from their intimate moment to Ted's interruption feels abrupt. While Ted's entrance is comedic, it disrupts the emotional build-up between John and Lori, which could be smoothed out for better pacing.
  • The dialogue is witty and reflects the characters' personalities well, but some lines, particularly John's comments about cannibalism, could be refined to enhance clarity and impact. The humor is present, but it risks overshadowing the emotional connection being established in the scene.
  • The use of thunder as a plot device to introduce Ted is clever, but it could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow. For instance, mentioning the storm earlier could build anticipation for Ted's entrance.
  • Lori's character comes across as supportive and loving, but her reaction to John's humor about cannibalism could be more nuanced. Instead of just laughing, she could express a mix of amusement and concern, adding depth to her character and their relationship.
  • The ending, with Ted's thunder song, is humorous but may feel like a forced comedic relief. It could benefit from a more organic integration into the scene, perhaps by having Ted enter in a way that feels less like a punchline and more like a continuation of the established mood.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two at the beginning of the scene that hints at the storm outside, creating a sense of foreboding that makes Ted's entrance feel more natural.
  • Refine John's dialogue about cannibalism to make it clearer and more impactful. Perhaps he could express his willingness to sacrifice in a more heartfelt way before joking about it.
  • Explore Lori's reaction to John's humor more deeply. Allow her to express a mix of emotions, which could enhance the complexity of their relationship.
  • Smooth the transition from intimacy to comedy by having Ted enter in a way that feels less jarring. For example, he could call out to John from the hallway before bursting in, building anticipation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more subtle comedic note rather than a loud song. Perhaps Ted could make a humorous comment about the thunder that allows for a softer transition back to the comedic tone.



Scene 14 -  Teddy Bear Troubles
EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY

Lori enters the building.


INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs
that read “PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS.” Lori goes to her
desk, looking exhausted. Lori’s office friends, GINA,
MICHELLE, and TRACY approach.

GINA
Wow...Baby, I’m not saying this to be
nasty, but you look really tired.

LORI
Oh, I’m okay... except I didn’t have time
for breakfast, the garage was full, I
spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a
boyfriend who can’t sleep through a storm
without his teddy bear.

GINA
I don’t understand why you keep putting
up with him.

TRACY
Yeah, I mean, the guy’s thirty-five years
old and he’s working for a rental car
service.

LORI
No, it’s not that, I don’t care about
that. I’d love him even if he was a
janitor. I mean, he’s got a huge heart,
we laugh together all the time, and it’s
just a bonus that he’s like the hottest
guy in Boston.

GINA
Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is
like being the classiest Kardashian.

LORI
I just wish he could get his life
together, you know? Our life. And he
can’t, and I swear to god, it’s all
because of that bear.



(CONTINUED)
31
CONTINUED:

MICHELLE
You should give him an ultimatum: it’s
you or the bear.

LORI
I can’t do that, he’d be devastated. And
I mean... what if he chose Ted?

MICHELLE
Oh come on, you don’t really think that.

LORI
Not really, but what if?

MICHELLE
Well then... things happen for a reason.

TRACY
No they don’t. That’s just something
girls say when something bad happens to
them that they don’t understand.

GINA
Fuck off, Tracy.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary Lori arrives at her Boston office visibly exhausted, prompting concern from her friends Gina, Michelle, and Tracy. They discuss Lori's frustrations with her boyfriend's immaturity, particularly his reliance on a teddy bear for comfort. While her friends suggest giving him an ultimatum, Lori hesitates, fearing it would hurt him. The scene captures Lori's internal conflict about her boyfriend's dependency and her desire for him to mature, all while maintaining a humorous and supportive atmosphere among friends.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Potential cliches in relationship dynamics
  • Slightly predictable conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and drama to create an engaging and relatable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear causing relationship issues is unique and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing conflict and setting up potential resolutions for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on relationship dynamics by incorporating humor and wit into the characters' conversations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Lori experiences internal conflict and potential growth as she grapples with her feelings for John and Ted.

Internal Goal: 8

Lori's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her feelings and concerns about her relationship with her boyfriend, specifically around his attachment to a teddy bear. This reflects her deeper need for stability, understanding, and a sense of security in her romantic relationship.

External Goal: 7.5

Lori's external goal in this scene is to manage her work responsibilities and interactions with her colleagues while dealing with personal issues. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in balancing her personal life with her professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Lori's love for John and her frustration with Ted creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 6.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicting viewpoints among the characters that challenge Lori's perspective on her relationship.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high for Lori as she faces a potential ultimatum in her relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and twists in the characters' conversations, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between accepting someone for who they are and wanting them to change for the better. This challenges Lori's beliefs about love, acceptance, and personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to sympathy, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable character dynamics, and the humorous exploration of relationship challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with character interactions, creating a natural flow of conversation and emotional beats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with proper character introductions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven dialogue scene in a screenplay, with clear transitions and interactions between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Lori's exhaustion and frustration with her boyfriend's immaturity, which sets up a relatable conflict. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to differentiate the friends and make their personalities more memorable.
  • The humor in the dialogue is present, but it feels somewhat forced at times. For example, the comparison of the hottest guy in Boston to the classiest Kardashian could be more cleverly phrased to enhance the comedic effect.
  • Lori's internal conflict about her boyfriend and the teddy bear is clear, but it could be deepened. Adding a line or two that reflects her emotional struggle or a specific incident that highlights her frustration could make her character more relatable and layered.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. The dialogue moves quickly from one point to another without allowing for pauses or reactions that could enhance the emotional weight of the conversation. Consider adding moments of silence or reactions to emphasize the tension.
  • The scene ends abruptly with a somewhat jarring transition to Tracy's line. A more natural conclusion to the conversation or a visual cue that indicates the end of the discussion could improve the flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each of Lori's friends a unique trait or catchphrase to make them more memorable and distinct in their dialogue.
  • Revise the humor to be more organic and character-driven. Instead of relying on pop culture references, try to create jokes that stem from the characters' experiences or personalities.
  • Add a moment where Lori reflects on a specific incident that illustrates her boyfriend's dependency on the teddy bear, which could provide more depth to her frustration.
  • Slow down the pacing by incorporating pauses or reactions after key lines to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • End the scene with a stronger visual or emotional cue, such as Lori looking out the window with a sigh or her friends exchanging concerned glances, to create a more cohesive transition to the next scene.



Scene 15 -  Unwanted Advances
INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lori’s boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30’s, expensive
suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering
of female employees.

REX
Well hello there. Sorry if I’m
interrupting any private girl talk about
Channing Tatum’s index finger but Lori I
need to see you in my office.

LORI
Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need
to get to--

REX
Oh, this is work, I swear.

LORI
(sigh)
Okay, fine.

Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a “help!” look.

MICHELLE
He’s such an asshole.


(CONTINUED)
32
CONTINUED:

GINA
Out of control. Such a sleaze.

TRACY
You guys are so pathetic. You’re
shitting on Rex, and you both had sex
with him.

Short beat.

GINA/MICHELLE
Like once./I was drunk.

GINA
And so did you.

TRACY
Well, I didn’t want one of you whores
getting promoted before me.


INT. REX’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk.

LORI
So... what do you need to talk to me
about, Rex?

Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it
to her.

REX
See that? That’s me on the diving team
in high school. We dove the shit outta
that pool that year. If you look close,
you can see the outline of my root.

LORI
(annoyed)
You promised this was about work.

REX
Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don’t
you like me? I’m rich, I’m good-looking,
my dad owns the company--

LORI
I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you
know this.

REX
Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that’s
a cute relationship, but I’m talking
about being with a real man, Lori.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
33
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
Someone who wears a blazer on an
airplane.

LORI
(standing up)
I’m very busy.

REX
Well then, how do you have all that time
to be in my head?

LORI
Goodbye, Rex.

Lori exits Rex’s office. Rex casually gets up, strolls
over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the
cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells
his hand.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a tense office scene, Lori is called into her boss Rex's office, where he makes inappropriate advances and dismisses her relationship. Despite her discomfort, Lori stands her ground, asserting her disinterest and commitment to her boyfriend. As she leaves, Rex's sleazy behavior is highlighted when he smells the chair she occupied, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Sleazy boss trope
  • Slightly predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the power dynamic between Lori and Rex, creating tension and humor through their interaction. The dialogue is witty and engaging, showcasing the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of workplace harassment and power dynamics is effectively portrayed in the scene, adding depth to the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced through the introduction of workplace conflict and the dynamics between Lori and Rex. It sets up future developments and adds complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on workplace harassment and power dynamics, shedding light on the insidious nature of toxic masculinity and abuse of power. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lori and Rex are well-developed in the scene, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and set up future character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

Lori's character is challenged by Rex's behavior, setting up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lori's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her professionalism and boundaries in the face of harassment and inappropriate advances from her boss. It reflects her need for respect, autonomy, and dignity.

External Goal: 7

Lori's external goal in this scene is to navigate the uncomfortable situation with her boss without compromising her values or integrity. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a toxic work environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Lori and Rex is palpable, creating tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lori facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas. The audience is left wondering how she will navigate the toxic workplace dynamics.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, focusing on workplace dynamics and personal relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing workplace conflict and setting up future developments for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between ethical behavior and abuse of power. It challenges Lori's beliefs in professionalism, respect, and personal boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of negative and sarcastic emotions, with a touch of defiance and humor.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and engaging, adding humor and tension to the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, tense interactions, and relatable characters. It keeps the audience invested in Lori's struggle and the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action. It maintains tension and keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize. The dialogue is well-paced and engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a workplace drama, with clear character dynamics and conflict resolution. It effectively builds tension and advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Rex as a sleazy character, which is crucial for the audience to understand the dynamics between him and Lori. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety; Rex's lines are overtly predatory, which may come off as one-dimensional. Adding layers to his character could make him more intriguing.
  • Lori's reaction to Rex's advances is appropriate, but her character could be further developed. Instead of just being annoyed, showing her internal conflict or fear could add depth to her character. This would make her more relatable and the stakes higher.
  • The dialogue among Lori's friends before she meets Rex is humorous and serves to build camaraderie, but it feels slightly disjointed from the main conflict. It might be more effective to weave in their concerns about Rex's behavior in a way that directly relates to Lori's situation, enhancing the tension.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the office entryway to Rex's office could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or a visual cue that emphasizes Lori's reluctance to follow Rex, which would heighten the tension.
  • Rex's action of smelling the chair after Lori leaves is a strong visual that reinforces his sleazy nature. However, it could be more impactful if it were foreshadowed earlier in the scene, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a glance that hints at his possessiveness.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving Rex a more nuanced motivation for his advances. Perhaps he genuinely believes he is a catch and is confused by Lori's rejection, which could add complexity to his character.
  • Enhance Lori's internal struggle by incorporating her thoughts or feelings about her relationship with John during her interaction with Rex. This could create a stronger emotional conflict.
  • Integrate the friends' dialogue more closely with Lori's situation. For example, they could express concern about her relationship with Rex while also discussing her boyfriend, creating a more cohesive narrative.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or reluctance from Lori before she enters Rex's office to emphasize her discomfort and the stakes of the situation.
  • Consider using more subtext in the dialogue. For instance, instead of Rex directly stating his wealth and looks, he could make a more veiled reference that implies his superiority, allowing the audience to infer his arrogance.



Scene 16 -  A Romantic Celebration at Ciao Bella
INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET -
NIGHT


INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori sit across from each other at a
romantically set table. They’ve just finished their
meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his
plate.

LORI
(satisfied sigh)
That was perfect.

A WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS
Would you like me to wrap up your
leftovers?

LORI
Oh no, I’m fine, thanks.

John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell,
which has the face and eyes on it.

JOHN
Actually, could you wrap just this up for
me? I wanna scare the shit outta
somebody.

WAITRESS
(beat)
Sure.
(CONTINUED)
34
CONTINUED:

The waitress walks away.

LORI
(mildly amused)
What are you, five years old?

JOHN
Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level.

Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two
glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries.

WAITER
Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and
champagne.

LORI
Ooh, Cristal.

JOHN
It’s a special night. We’ve been dating
for four years.
(taking bottle)
And hey, all those rich black people
can’t be wrong, right?

LORI
It doesn’t seem like four years, does it?

JOHN
(affectionately taking her
hand)
No, it doesn’t.

LORI
You had no business being out on that
dance floor, but I’m glad you were.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy"]

Summary John and Lori celebrate their four-year anniversary at Ciao Bella Restaurant, enjoying a playful and affectionate dinner. John humorously requests a lobster shell to scare someone, showcasing his light-hearted nature. The couple shares a dessert of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, reminiscing about their relationship and a recent dance floor incident. The scene is filled with warmth and laughter, highlighting their strong connection.
Strengths
  • Chemistry between John and Lori
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Romantic atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the romantic and light-hearted tone while showcasing the chemistry between the characters. The humor adds depth to their relationship and makes the scene engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a romantic dinner date between John and Lori is executed well, emphasizing their four-year relationship and the special nature of the occasion.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot, it serves as a crucial moment in developing the relationship between John and Lori, showcasing their bond and shared experiences.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on a romantic dinner setting, with quirky character interactions and humorous moments. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Lori are well-developed in this scene, with their playful banter and affection highlighting their personalities and the depth of their relationship.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the bond between John and Lori, showcasing their connection and affection.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to maintain the romantic connection with Lori and show his playful side. This reflects his desire for a long-lasting and fun relationship.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to celebrate their four-year anniversary with Lori and make it special. This reflects his immediate circumstances and the challenge of keeping the relationship exciting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the romantic and humorous interactions between John and Lori.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with subtle conflicts between the characters that add depth to their relationship.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the romantic and humorous aspects of the characters' relationship.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but adds depth to the relationship between John and Lori, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected humor and playful interactions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between John's playful and carefree attitude and Lori's more mature and grounded demeanor. This challenges their values and perspectives on relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, evoking feelings of warmth and affection through the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and humorous, reflecting the characters' personalities and the romantic tone of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, romantic tension, and humorous moments that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a romantic atmosphere with the setting of a restaurant and the intimate dialogue between John and Lori. However, the transition from the previous scene, which ends on a tense note with Rex's inappropriate behavior, could be more pronounced. A brief moment of reflection or a comment from John about the earlier incident could enhance the emotional depth and provide a smoother transition.
  • John's humor about the lobster shell is amusing and fits his character, but it may come off as juvenile, especially in a romantic setting. While this humor can be endearing, it risks undermining the romantic tone that the scene is trying to establish. Balancing humor with sincerity is crucial in this moment.
  • The dialogue flows well, showcasing the chemistry between John and Lori. However, the line about 'rich black people' feels out of place and could be perceived as insensitive or awkward. It detracts from the romantic tone and could alienate some audience members. Consider replacing it with a more universally relatable comment that maintains the lightheartedness without crossing any lines.
  • The introduction of the dessert and champagne is a nice touch, but it could be enhanced by adding a brief moment where John expresses his feelings about their relationship or reflects on their journey together. This would deepen the emotional stakes and make the celebration feel more significant.
  • The scene ends on a light note, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional hook. Perhaps a moment of vulnerability or a shared memory could be introduced to solidify their bond and set up the stakes for the upcoming conflict in their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two from John that acknowledges the tension from the previous scene, providing a smoother transition and deeper emotional context.
  • Reevaluate the humor surrounding the lobster shell to ensure it aligns with the romantic tone of the scene. Aim for humor that complements the intimacy rather than detracts from it.
  • Replace the line about 'rich black people' with a more relatable or heartfelt comment that maintains the humor without risking insensitivity.
  • Incorporate a moment where John reflects on their four years together, perhaps sharing a fond memory or expressing his hopes for the future, to enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional moment, such as a shared look or a heartfelt toast, to solidify their connection and set the stage for the challenges ahead.



Scene 17 -  A Chance Encounter on the Dance Floor
INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of
dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a
girl, and doing it very badly. He’s putting too much
into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is
gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the
moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move,
accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force
to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts
to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up,
when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet.

JOHN
Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I’m so
sorry!
(CONTINUED)
35
CONTINUED:

LORI
(a little stunned)
Yeah, I’m... I’m fine.

JOHN
Oh Jesus, I’m so so sorry! I didn’t see
you! It was an accident!

LORI
Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an
accident.

JOHN
Did you hurt your head?

LORI
Um, yes. My head hurts a lot.

JOHN
Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.

She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out
a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it
against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Sorry. Does it hurt?

LORI
(beat, noticing him for the
first time)
N... No. No it’s okay.

JOHN
(beat, noticing too)
I’m... I’m John.

LORI
I’m Lori.

They smile at each other...
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a lively club, Lori is accidentally knocked down by John while he dances clumsily with another girl. Concerned, John rushes to help her up, leading to a light-hearted exchange where Lori reassures him she's fine, despite joking about her head hurting. As John offers her ice wrapped in a napkin, they share a warm moment of connection, introducing themselves and smiling at each other.
Strengths
  • Charming introduction of main characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Establishing romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the romantic dynamic between John and Lori with humor and charm, creating a memorable and engaging moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter on the dance floor leading to a romantic connection is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progression focuses on the budding romance between John and Lori, laying the foundation for their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to a common scenario of accidental encounters, focusing on the nuances of human interaction and emotional connection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John and Lori are introduced in a charming and relatable manner, setting the stage for their development.

Character Changes: 6

Both John and Lori experience a subtle shift in their dynamic as they connect on a deeper level.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a connection with Lori after accidentally bumping into her on the dance floor. This reflects his desire for forgiveness, understanding, and potentially forming a new relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to apologize and make amends for accidentally bumping into Lori on the dance floor. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing a mistake and potentially forming a positive interaction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal, focusing more on the romantic tension between John and Lori.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the protagonist facing the challenge of seeking forgiveness and forming a connection with Lori.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low, focusing more on the emotional connection between the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the central romance between John and Lori.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter between the protagonist and Lori, leading to a shift in their dynamic and potential relationship.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, understanding, and human connection. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about making mistakes and seeking redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and anticipation as the audience roots for John and Lori's budding relationship.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and helps to establish the chemistry between John and Lori.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, realistic dialogue, and emotional depth, drawing the audience into the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, leading to a satisfying resolution of the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and character interactions, effectively conveying the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a humorous and awkward moment that serves as a memorable introduction between John and Lori. The physical comedy of John's poor dancing and the accidental bumping into Lori is relatable and sets a light-hearted tone.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, showcasing John's nervousness and Lori's initial surprise. However, the exchange could benefit from more subtext or emotional depth to enhance the connection between the characters. Right now, it feels a bit surface-level.
  • The pacing of the scene is good, but the transition from the dance floor chaos to the intimate moment between John and Lori could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment where the surrounding noise fades, emphasizing their connection amidst the chaos.
  • While the humor is effective, it might be beneficial to explore Lori's perspective a bit more. How does she feel about being bumped into? Is she annoyed, amused, or intrigued? Adding a line or two that reflects her internal thoughts could deepen her character.
  • The use of physical comedy is strong, but it might be worth considering how to visually emphasize the moment when John helps Lori up. Perhaps a close-up shot of their hands touching or their expressions could heighten the emotional impact of their first meeting.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a moment of silence or a brief pause after the chaos to allow the audience to absorb the connection forming between John and Lori.
  • Add a line or two of internal dialogue for Lori to give insight into her feelings about John, which would help to establish her character more fully.
  • Consider using visual cues, such as close-ups or reaction shots, to enhance the emotional stakes of the moment when John helps Lori up.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a humorous line from Lori that reflects her personality, which could create a stronger bond between her and John right from the start.
  • Ensure that the scene maintains a balance between humor and emotional connection, allowing the audience to feel both entertained and invested in the characters' relationship.



Scene 18 -  Nostalgic Dance-Off
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)

LORI
Okay, here’s a question that’ll show how
much you actually care about me. You
remember we stayed and talked until the
place closed, and then we went for late
night eggs and waffles, and we stayed
there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the
little TV in the diner. Name the movie.


(CONTINUED)
36
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Octopussy.

LORI
Gold star.

JOHN
But does that show that I care about you,
or I care about Roger Moore?

LORI
I’m gonna give you the benefit of the
doubt.

JOHN
Thank you. And by the way, my dancing
was not that bad.

LORI
(laughing)
Your dancing was bad.

JOHN
I had some cool moves.

LORI
So do people with Parkinson’s.

JOHN
That’s not how I remember it.

LORI
Yeah, how do you remember it?


INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy
officer’s uniform, a la Ted Stryker in “Airplane!” as
“Stayin’ Alive” blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI,
who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty.
John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He
struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They
circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off
his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses
it O.S. He then strikes a “finger up” disco pose, with a
bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing
simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around
Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to:
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In this playful scene, Lori quizzes John about a memorable night they shared, specifically asking him to recall the movie 'Octopussy' they watched at a diner. Their banter reveals a mix of affection and humor, particularly as Lori teases John about his dancing skills. The scene transitions into a flashback of John in a Navy uniform attempting to impress Lori with his disco moves at a smoky tavern, showcasing their fun and carefree past together. The light-hearted tone emphasizes their connection and shared memories.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Playful banter
  • Nostalgic flashback
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the playful and affectionate dynamic between John and Lori, providing a humorous and nostalgic moment that adds depth to their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a humorous and nostalgic flashback to a disco dancing moment adds depth to the characters and their relationship.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly progress the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and their romantic relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to romantic banter and relationship dynamics through witty dialogue and vivid flashback sequences. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively develops the characters of John and Lori, showcasing their playful and affectionate dynamic through witty banter and a humorous flashback.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not significant character change in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of John and Lori's relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to show care and affection towards the other character, Lori. This reflects his deeper desire for connection and understanding in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reminisce about a shared memory with Lori and showcase his affection for her through their conversation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene has a low level of conflict, focusing more on the romantic and comedic elements of the relationship between John and Lori.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is light, focusing more on romantic banter and character dynamics rather than intense conflict or obstacles.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on the romantic and comedic elements of John and Lori's relationship.

Story Forward: 6

The scene adds depth to the characters and their relationship but does not significantly move the main plot forward.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in its romantic banter and flashback sequence, but the humor and character interactions keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's perception of caring for Lori versus caring for a movie character. This challenges his values and priorities in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting affection and humor from the audience through the playful banter and romantic moments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, playful, and humorous, effectively conveying the characters' personalities and the romantic tension between John and Lori.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, nostalgic atmosphere, and character dynamics that draw the audience into the relationship between John and Lori.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances dialogue, flashback sequences, and character interactions, maintaining the audience's interest and advancing the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and flashback transitions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a present-day conversation leading into a flashback, effectively engaging the audience and advancing the narrative.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Lori and John is playful and showcases their chemistry, which is a strong point of the scene. However, the transition from the present to the flashback could be smoother. The abrupt cut to the flashback might confuse the audience, as it lacks a clear visual or narrative cue that indicates a shift in time and setting.
  • While the banter is humorous, some of the jokes, particularly the Parkinson's reference, could be seen as insensitive. It's important to ensure that humor does not alienate or offend the audience, especially when dealing with sensitive topics.
  • The flashback sequence is visually engaging, but it could benefit from more context. For instance, adding a brief moment that highlights the significance of the night they are reminiscing about would deepen the emotional impact. Why was that night special? What did it mean for their relationship?
  • The character dynamics are well-established, but the scene could explore Lori's feelings more deeply. While she teases John, it would be beneficial to show her vulnerability or deeper affection, which would add layers to her character and their relationship.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition back to the present could be more impactful. Ending the flashback with a strong visual or emotional cue before returning to the present would enhance the scene's overall flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual or auditory cue to signal the transition from the present to the flashback, such as a sound effect or a visual fade that emphasizes the shift in time.
  • Reevaluate the humor in the dialogue to ensure it remains light-hearted without crossing into potentially offensive territory. Aim for jokes that resonate positively with the audience.
  • Incorporate a brief moment in the flashback that highlights the significance of the night they are recalling. This could be a shared laugh, a meaningful conversation, or a moment of connection that underscores their bond.
  • Explore Lori's character further by adding a line or two that reveals her deeper feelings for John during their banter. This could be a subtle compliment or a moment of sincerity that contrasts with the humor.
  • Enhance the transition back to the present by using a strong visual or emotional cue, such as a close-up of Lori's face as she smiles at the memory, before cutting back to the restaurant setting.



Scene 19 -  Anniversary Tensions
INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)

LORI
Whatever you say, baby.
(CONTINUED)
37
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Hey, here’s to four more years, huh?

They clink glasses, and take a sip.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Now I know we said no gifts, but--

LORI
No, we didn’t.

JOHN
--But, I got you something anyway, in
clear violation of the “no gift” rule.

LORI
There was no such rule.

John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small
box. Lori looks excited.

JOHN
Lori, I’ve wanted to give this to you for
a long time.

John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up.

LORI
Oh, John.

Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of
nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings.

JOHN
Those are the ones you liked, right?
From that kiosk at the mall?

LORI
Oh. Yeah.

JOHN
Check out the card.

She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it.
It says, “Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you.”

JOHN (CONT’D)
See, I even wrote the words with
different colored markers so you wouldn’t
get bored while you were reading it.

LORI
(unenthused)
Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is
for you.
(CONTINUED)
38
CONTINUED:

Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a
very nice watch.

JOHN
(opens box)
Oh wow, a Hamilton!

He puts it on his wrist.

LORI
I remember you liked it when you saw Tom
Brady wearing one in GQ.

JOHN
Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is
so awesome, I love it!

She reacts a bit to this.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Y’know, Lori...
(indicating box)
Someday, there’s gonna be a ring in
there. But I wanna wait ‘til I can get
you something really special, y’know? I
just don’t have the money right now.

LORI
John, I don’t need the Hope diamond, all
I want is--

JOHN
I know, but it’s important to me that you
have the engagement ring you deserve.
And what with the credit bubble... the
Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti.

LORI
Look, I’m only saying this because I love
you, but that’s not realistic. You’re
never gonna have any kind of a career if
you’re always partying and wasting time
with Ted.

JOHN
Oh, Jesus, here we go--

LORI
John, please get him to find his own
place, so we can get on with our lives.

JOHN
Look, can we talk about this another
time, and just enjoy our anniversary
dinner?
(CONTINUED)
39
CONTINUED:

LORI
Yeah. Fine. Let’s talk about it ten
years from now.

JOHN
(rolling his eyes with a
sigh)
Lori, we can’t talk about this every time
we go out. Look, he’s been my best
friend since I was eight. And I was not
a popular child. You have to understand,
I had no friends before he came along.
He’s the only reason I ever gained any
fucking confidence. I coulda wound up
like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but
I didn’t. ‘Cause of him. So, y’know,
I’m not that psyched to just, like, kick
him out.

LORI
Well, it’s good to know that a talking
teddy bear is the only thing that kept
you from gunning down your classmates,
but John, you’re not eight. You’re
thirty-five. And unless you’re too blind
to notice, he’s not your only friend
anymore. You have me. And I love you.

JOHN
I love you, too. You know that.

LORI
Look, I’ve put the best physical years of
my life into this. I mean, I’m cute now,
but in a few years my body’s gonna fall
off a fucking cliff. Things’ll be
hanging and stretching in ways that might
scare a man. I need to feel secure in
the fact that you won’t leave me when
that happens.

JOHN
Not only will I not leave you, it’s gonna
be even better. ‘Cause I can have sex
with you, and press your arm fat against
a comic book so I can see it backwards.

She laughs. So does he.

LORI
And, my boobs and vagina will all be in
the same place, so that’s a lot less
movin’ around for you.


(CONTINUED)
40
CONTINUED:

JOHN
I can do it all with one hand.

LORI
Exactly, and you can do whatever you want
with the other hand.

JOHN
I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller.

LORI
We can achieve critical acclaim and
become rich just by screwing each other.

They both laugh hard.

JOHN
Well, I hope these jokes have distracted
you from the actual problems in our
relationship.

LORI
(sigh)
We can’t put the real conversation off
forever, John.

JOHN
I dunno, I got a lotta fuckin’ jokes.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary At Ciao Bella Restaurant, John and Lori celebrate their four-year anniversary with gifts, but the mood shifts as Lori expresses her frustrations about John's commitment to their relationship versus his friendship with Ted. While John tries to keep the atmosphere light with humor, Lori pushes for a serious discussion about their future, leading to unresolved tensions despite moments of playful banter.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Repetitive arguments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and emotional depth, providing insight into the characters' motivations and relationship dynamics. The conflict between John's loyalty to Ted and Lori's desire for a more mature relationship adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the challenges of balancing a long-standing friendship with a romantic relationship is compelling and relatable. The scene effectively delves into the complexities of adult relationships and personal growth.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the conflict between John's loyalty to Ted and Lori's desire for a more mature relationship. While the plot progression is limited to a single conversation, it sets up important character dynamics and future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on relationship dynamics, with authentic dialogue and relatable situations. The characters' actions and reactions feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting emotions and priorities are effectively portrayed. John's loyalty to Ted, Lori's desire for a more mature relationship, and Ted's role as a comedic foil all contribute to the scene's depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes within the scene, the conflict between John, Lori, and Ted sets the stage for future character development and personal growth. The scene lays the groundwork for potential changes in the characters' relationships and priorities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his relationship with his girlfriend and address her concerns about their future together. This reflects his desire for stability and security in the relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to celebrate their anniversary and exchange gifts with his girlfriend. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between John's loyalty to Ted and Lori's desire for a more mature relationship drives the scene's emotional tension and character development. While the conflict is primarily verbal, it sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional stakes that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as the characters grapple with the tension between maintaining a long-standing friendship and pursuing a more mature relationship. The outcome of their conversation could have significant implications for their future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing important character dynamics and conflicts. While the plot progression is limited to a single conversation, the scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' conversations and the shifting dynamics of their relationship.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's loyalty to his friend and his girlfriend's desire for a more mature relationship. This challenges the protagonist's values of friendship and personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, balancing humor with moments of vulnerability and tension. The characters' conflicting emotions and priorities resonate with the audience, creating a sense of empathy and engagement.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities and motivations. The banter between John and Lori effectively conveys their conflicting emotions and sets up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable conflicts, and emotional depth of the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of humor and introspection to shine.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow the dialogue and actions of the characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a romantic comedy genre, with clear character motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the playful and humorous dynamic between John and Lori, showcasing their relationship's ups and downs. However, the transition from light-hearted banter to serious relationship issues feels abrupt. The dialogue shifts from playful to tense without a clear emotional buildup, which may leave the audience feeling disoriented.
  • While the humor is strong, particularly in the exchanges about aging and physical changes, it risks overshadowing the underlying conflict regarding John's friendship with Ted. The balance between comedy and drama is crucial, and the scene could benefit from a more gradual transition into the serious topics to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Lori's character is well-defined, expressing her frustrations and desires clearly. However, John's defense of Ted, while heartfelt, comes off as somewhat defensive and could be perceived as immature. This could be an opportunity to deepen John's character by showing more vulnerability or self-awareness about his relationship with Ted.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, but some lines feel overly expository, particularly when John explains his history with Ted. This could be streamlined to maintain the scene's pace and keep the audience engaged without feeling like they are being lectured.
  • The scene ends on a note of unresolved tension, which is effective for building anticipation for future conflicts. However, it might benefit from a stronger emotional hook or a more poignant line that encapsulates their relationship's complexity, leaving the audience with a lasting impression.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared look between John and Lori after the initial jokes to create a smoother transition into the more serious discussion about their relationship. This can help ground the scene emotionally.
  • Introduce a specific incident or memory that illustrates the impact of Ted on John's life, rather than relying solely on exposition. This could help the audience empathize with John's attachment to Ted while also highlighting the strain it puts on his relationship with Lori.
  • Incorporate more physicality or visual humor during the playful banter to enhance the comedic elements. For example, John could demonstrate his jokes with exaggerated gestures or expressions, making the humor more dynamic.
  • Consider having Lori express her frustrations in a more nuanced way, perhaps by referencing specific instances where Ted's presence has negatively impacted their relationship. This can provide a clearer context for her feelings and make her arguments more relatable.
  • End the scene with a more impactful line or moment that encapsulates the tension between John and Lori, perhaps a poignant remark from Lori that underscores her feelings of insecurity or a humorous quip from John that highlights his reluctance to confront serious issues.



Scene 20 -  Late Night Chaos
EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Their car pulls up. They start to get out.

JOHN
(noticing)
Ah shit, hang on, my phone fell under the
seat somewhere. Can you call it?

Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat,
we hear The Imperial March from “The Empire Strikes
Back.”

LORI
That’s my ringtone?

JOHN
(laughs, embarrassed)
Oh, yeah...

LORI
What is it? It sounds negative.


(CONTINUED)
41
CONTINUED:

JOHN
No, it’s from The Notebook.

He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she
goes inside.

JOHN (CONT’D)
(straining)
This is gonna take some doin’.

LORI
All right, well I’ll see you upstairs.

He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside.


INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears
loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door
cautiously and opens it, revealing...


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed
apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on
the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women.
They’re watching “Romancing the Stone,” which plays very
loudly on the TV.

LORI
What the hell is all this?!

TED
Lori! Hey, you’re home early! The
ladies and I were just watching
“Romancing the Stone.” Got it on Blu-
Ray. Came in a two-pack with “Jewel of
the Nile,” but I don’t know that we’ll
end up watchin’ that one.

LORI
This place is a wreck! Who are these
girls?

TED
Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is
Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and
Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls.
Y’know, somewhere out there are four
terrible fathers I wish I could thank for
this great night.

The girls ad-lib “Hello,” “Nice to meet you,” etc.
(CONTINUED)
42
CONTINUED:

Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees
something in the corner.

LORI
What is that?!!!

TED
What’s what?

LORI
There is... a shit in the corner! On the
floor! There’s a shit!

TED
(looking over)
Oh man, that’s what Dierdre was doin’
over there in the corner for so long.
Remember, she was crouched over there and
I thought she was just makin’ a call or
somethin’--

LORI
There is a shit!! On my floor!!

TED
Yeah, she’s passed out in the bathroom
now, she seemed like she was hopped up on
somethin’. I mean, mystery solved, I
guess--

LORI
What the fuck!!!!

TED
Lori, if I can-- now this is just
speculation, but... is it possible that
this is not so much about the stool in
the corner, and more about maybe
tonight’s dinner not measuring up to your
expectations?

LORI
What!!! The fuck!!!

Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the
lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door.

JOHN (V.O.)
RAAARRRR!!

TED
(pointing)
Ahaaaaa!


(CONTINUED)
43
CONTINUED:

JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER)
Who lives here? I’m comin’ to get
whoever lives here! You owe me lobster
money!

TED
(to girl)
Hahaaa! That’s my friend John. Not the
lobster, the guy runnin’ it.

At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone.

JOHN
Found my phone.

He stops, seeing everyone there.

JOHN (CONT’D)
What’s goin’ on?
(then, noticing)
Is that a shit?
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary John and Lori return home late at night, only for Lori to discover Ted hosting a wild party in their apartment, leaving it in disarray. As Lori expresses her outrage over the mess, including a shocking discovery in the corner, John remains oblivious until he finally sees the chaos himself. The scene blends humor and frustration as the characters navigate the absurdity of the situation.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Absurd situation
  • Strong character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Stereotypical character behaviors

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delivers humor through its absurd and chaotic situation, showcasing the clash between Ted's carefree attitude and Lori's frustration. The outrageousness of finding a 'shit' on the floor adds to the comedic impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chaotic and outrageous situation unfolding in John and Lori's apartment, involving Ted and his trashy friends, is unique and engaging. The comedic elements are well-incorporated into the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the conflict between Ted, Lori, and John, leading to a humorous confrontation over the state of the apartment. While the plot is simple, it effectively drives the comedic elements of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a chaotic and absurd situation involving messy and disrespectful behavior, unexpected twists, and dark humor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ted, Lori, and John are well-defined in the scene, with Ted's carefree and outrageous personality contrasting with Lori's frustration and John's embarrassment. The interactions between the characters drive the humor of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions between Ted, Lori, and John reveal more about their personalities and dynamics, adding depth to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Lori's internal goal in this scene is to confront Ted about the mess and disrespectful behavior in their apartment, reflecting her need for respect, cleanliness, and responsibility in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to find his phone that fell under the seat of the car, which reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the clash between Ted's carefree attitude and Lori's frustration, leading to a humorous confrontation over the state of the apartment. The conflict adds tension and comedic elements to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lori facing the challenge of confronting Ted about the mess and disrespectful behavior in their apartment. The audience is unsure of how she will react and how Ted will respond to her anger.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic and interpersonal conflicts rather than high-stakes drama. The primary focus is on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the escalating conflict between the characters and setting up potential consequences for their actions. It adds to the overall narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, bizarre situations, and dark humor that keep the audience guessing about the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Lori's values of cleanliness, responsibility, and respect, and Ted's values of carelessness, irresponsibility, and disrespect. This challenges Lori's beliefs about their relationship and the kind of behavior she expects from Ted.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes amusement and mild outrage from the audience, primarily focusing on comedic elements rather than deep emotional engagement. The absurdity of the situation generates laughter and entertainment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, reflecting the personalities of the characters involved. The banter between Ted, Lori, and John adds to the comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, escalating conflict, and unexpected twists. The chaotic and absurd situation keeps the audience hooked and curious about the characters' actions and reactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace, building tension through dialogue and actions, and creating a sense of urgency and chaos in the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and understand, enhancing the clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and escalating conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to transition from a romantic dinner to a chaotic home environment, showcasing the contrast between John and Lori's relationship and Ted's irresponsible behavior. However, the humor relies heavily on shock value, particularly with the feces incident, which may alienate some viewers who prefer more subtle comedy.
  • The dialogue is lively and captures the characters' personalities well, especially Ted's carefree attitude. However, some lines, particularly Ted's speculation about Lori's dinner expectations, feel forced and could benefit from a more natural flow. This could enhance the comedic timing and make the characters' interactions feel more authentic.
  • The pacing of the scene is brisk, which works well for the comedic tone, but it may leave little room for emotional depth. Given the previous scene's unresolved tension between John and Lori regarding their relationship, it might be beneficial to include a moment where Lori expresses her frustration more directly before the chaos unfolds, adding layers to her character and the situation.
  • The visual elements, such as the trashed apartment and the introduction of the women, effectively set the scene's chaotic tone. However, the description of the women could be more nuanced to avoid stereotypes. Instead of labeling them as 'trashy-looking,' consider giving them distinct personalities or quirks that contribute to the humor without relying on negative stereotypes.
  • The reveal of the lobster head is a humorous twist, but it may feel disconnected from the rest of the scene. It could be more impactful if it tied back to the earlier dinner conversation, perhaps by having John reference the lobster in a way that connects the two scenes more cohesively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Lori expresses her feelings about John's friendship with Ted before entering the apartment. This could heighten the tension and make her reaction to the chaos more impactful.
  • Revise Ted's dialogue to make it feel more spontaneous and less scripted. Allow for natural interruptions or overlapping dialogue to enhance the comedic effect and realism of the scene.
  • Instead of using the term 'trashy-looking' for the women, provide them with unique traits or quirks that make them memorable and funny without relying on negative stereotypes.
  • Explore the possibility of having John acknowledge the chaos in a humorous way that reflects his character growth, perhaps by making a joke about how he expected a quiet night after their anniversary dinner.
  • Ensure that the humor remains balanced with the emotional stakes of the story. While the chaos is funny, it should also serve to highlight the underlying issues in John and Lori's relationship, reinforcing the stakes as they navigate their feelings.



Scene 21 -  A Rift Beneath the Surface
INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON


INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME

Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the
massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to
observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John
is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they
stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He
seems much more interested in them than in the fish.
This, we will find out later, is DONNY...

TED
God, there are some fucked up fish out
there.

JOHN
Yeah.

TED
Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough
guy fish.
(tough guy voice:)
“Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion?
Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!”
Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish.
(tight-ass white guy voice:)
“I don’t care for some of Conan O’Brien’s
humor. I don’t like Irish humor. And
this food is too flavorful. I don’t care
for flavor in my food.”
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
44
CONTINUED:
TED (CONT'D)
(switching to goofy voice as
a bottle-nosed fish swims
by)
“Oh hey, sorry I’m late, guys. Hey,
where’s everybody goin’? Any of you guys
got a tissue? I’m allergic to water.”

JOHN
Ted... you gotta move out.

Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.

TED
Wh... what?

JOHN
It’s... it’s gotta happen.

Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed.

TED
What...what did I do?

John looks heartbroken at this response.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary At the New England Aquarium, Ted tries to lighten the mood with humorous comments about the fish, but his friend John reveals he needs to move out, leaving Ted confused and stunned. The scene juxtaposes Ted's playful demeanor with John's serious emotional burden, highlighting a growing rift in their relationship amidst the vibrant backdrop of the aquarium.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Effective humor
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential tonal shifts
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with a serious conversation, creating a poignant moment between the characters. The emotional impact is strong, and the conflict is well-established.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear being asked to move out by his human friend is unique and engaging. The scene explores themes of friendship, maturity, and conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses effectively as John confronts Ted about moving out, leading to a significant turning point in their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting (aquarium) but adds originality through the characters' quirky dialogue and the unexpected revelation of John's request for Ted to move out. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed, with their conflicting emotions and motivations driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both John and Ted undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal is to understand why John is acting oddly and to figure out what he did wrong.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal is to comprehend John's request for him to move out and to understand the implications of this decision.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between John and Ted is palpable, adding tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ted is faced with a difficult decision and emotional turmoil, creating uncertainty and conflict that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as John confronts Ted about moving out, potentially changing their friendship forever.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing a key conflict between John and Ted, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of John's request for Ted to move out, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of friendship, loyalty, and communication. Ted and John's differing perspectives on their living situation and their emotional responses create tension and challenge their beliefs about their relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as John confronts Ted about moving out, leading to a heartbreaking moment of realization.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the humor and emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the blend of humor, drama, and mystery, keeping the audience intrigued about the characters' motivations and the unfolding conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional impact, with a gradual reveal of John's true intentions and Ted's reaction, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions, dialogue, and emotional beats, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic tone established throughout the screenplay, particularly through Ted's humorous observations about the fish. However, the transition from light-hearted banter to a serious conversation about moving out feels abrupt. The shift in tone could be smoothed out to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • John's line, 'Ted... you gotta move out,' is a significant moment that could benefit from more buildup. The audience may not fully grasp the weight of this statement without additional context or emotional buildup leading to it. This could enhance the impact of John's decision.
  • Ted's reaction to John's announcement is appropriate, but it could be more layered. Instead of just being stunned, Ted could express a mix of confusion, hurt, and perhaps a hint of denial, which would make the emotional stakes higher and more relatable.
  • The introduction of Donny as a lurking figure adds an element of intrigue, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main dialogue. It might be beneficial to weave in hints of Donny's presence earlier in the scene to create a sense of foreboding or tension that complements the emotional conversation between John and Ted.
  • The dialogue is witty and captures the characters' personalities well, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more subtext. For instance, John could struggle with his words or show signs of hesitation before delivering the line about moving out, indicating his internal conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few more lines of banter between Ted and John before the serious conversation begins. This could help establish a more natural transition from humor to the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Introduce subtle visual cues or body language that indicate John's discomfort or internal struggle before he delivers the line about moving out. This could include him fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, or looking around nervously.
  • Explore Ted's emotional response further. Perhaps he could reminisce about their friendship or express fear of being alone, which would deepen the audience's connection to both characters.
  • Integrate Donny's presence more seamlessly into the scene. You could have him react to Ted's jokes or show signs of interest in their conversation, creating a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more poignant moment, such as a lingering shot of John looking conflicted or Ted staring at the fish, symbolizing his feelings of being out of place or lost.



Scene 22 -  Aquarium Confessions
INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER

Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the
penguin habitat.

JOHN
Ted, my relationship is at a very
delicate stage, and, y’know, Lori and I
may just need a little space right now.
Plus a hooker took a shit in our
apartment.

TED
Hey, look, that was a tough night for all
of us.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is
trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background,
we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering
out from behind the bathroom door.

LORI
(beyond disgusted)
Oh, god!!


(CONTINUED)
45
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Aaaa, what?!

LORI
It’s so gross!!

JOHN
Don’t tell me, I don’t wanna hear about
it! Did you get it?

LORI
No! Oh my god!

JOHN
Tell me when you get it!

LORI
AAAA, I got some on my thumb!

JOHN
AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand
again! I’m serious, learn to cook other-
handed!

LORI
Shit!

JOHN
I’ll get the next one, okay?


INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY

TED
She’s makin’ you do it, isn’t she?

JOHN
(giving up the bullshit)
Yes. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t
hang out. We’ll hang out all the time!

TED
What about... thunder buddies for life,
Johnny?

JOHN
I know. Fuck. I just don’t know what to
do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise
I’m gonna lose her. And I do love her,
Ted.

TED
(sigh)
I know you do, Johnny.

(CONTINUED)
46
CONTINUED:

JOHN
I’ll help you get on your feet out there,
I promise.

TED
And we’ll hang out a lot, right?

JOHN
Fuck, all the time.

TED
(arms wide for a hug)
Bring it over here.

John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and
a high-pitched recorded voice saying “I wuv you.” John
and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.

TED (CONT’D) JOHN
That was the-- the thing-- The old-- Yeah-- no, I know-
that doesn’t mean-- I’m not -
gay.

JOHN
We’ve got to get you a job.


EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary At the New England Aquarium, John confides in Ted about his troubled relationship with Lori, sparked by a recent incident involving a hooker in their apartment. A flashback reveals Lori's distress as she cleans up the chaos while John panics from the bathroom. Ted offers support, emphasizing their friendship and John's love for Lori, leading to a heartfelt hug interrupted by a squeaky toy. The scene concludes with John suggesting they find Ted a job, shifting the focus to practical solutions amidst their emotional turmoil.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective humor
Weaknesses
  • Some crude humor may not appeal to all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and emotional conflict to create an engaging and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking teddy bear navigating complex relationship dynamics adds a unique and entertaining element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as John and Ted confront their relationship issues, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on relationship struggles and friendship dynamics, with authentic dialogue and realistic situations that engage the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both John and Ted experience changes in their relationship dynamics and personal growth, setting the stage for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his relationship issues with Lori and find a way to maintain their connection despite challenges. This reflects his deeper need for love and stability in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support his friend Ted and assure him of their friendship despite personal struggles. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing relationships and personal growth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between John and Ted regarding their friendship and John's relationship with Lori creates tension and emotional stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds conflict and complexity to the protagonist's journey, creating obstacles that challenge his beliefs and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the potential loss of John's relationship with Lori and the impact on his friendship with Ted, adding urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing and resolving conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and emotional revelations, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the protagonist's struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle between loyalty to his friend and commitment to his relationship. This challenges his beliefs about friendship and love.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension to empathy, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters' emotions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, emotion, and relatable character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character emotions, and maintaining the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and transitions between locations, maintaining the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil John is experiencing regarding his relationship with Lori, but it could benefit from deeper exploration of John's internal conflict. While the dialogue conveys his struggle, adding more visual cues or internal monologue could enhance the audience's understanding of his feelings.
  • The flashback sequence is humorous and provides context for the current situation, but it feels slightly disjointed from the main conversation. A smoother transition between the present and the flashback could help maintain the flow of the scene. Consider using a visual motif or sound cue that links the two moments more seamlessly.
  • Ted's character remains consistent with his humorous persona, but the emotional weight of the scene could be heightened by allowing him to express more vulnerability. This would create a stronger contrast between his usual comedic demeanor and the seriousness of John's situation, making the moment more impactful.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, but some lines, particularly John's, could be tightened for clarity and punch. For instance, the exchange about the poop could be streamlined to maintain comedic timing without losing the essence of the situation.
  • The ending of the scene, where John suggests getting Ted a job, feels abrupt and somewhat disconnected from the emotional weight established earlier. It might be more effective to conclude with a moment of shared understanding or a poignant statement that encapsulates their friendship and the challenges they face.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for John to articulate his feelings about Lori and Ted, which would provide insight into his emotional state and enhance audience connection.
  • Revise the transition into the flashback to create a more cohesive flow. Perhaps use a visual cue, like John's gaze drifting to the aquarium, to trigger the memory.
  • Allow Ted to show a moment of vulnerability or concern for John, which would deepen their friendship dynamic and add emotional depth to the scene.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any redundant phrases or words, especially in the humorous exchanges, to keep the pacing brisk and engaging.
  • End the scene with a more reflective moment between John and Ted, perhaps with a shared look or a line that encapsulates their bond, rather than jumping straight to the job suggestion.



Scene 23 -  A Bear's Job Interview
EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME

John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a
coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable.

TED
I look stupid.

JOHN
No, you don’t. You look dapper.

TED
I look like Snuggles’ accountant. *

They pause as John straightens Ted’s tie.

JOHN
Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make
some money so you can pay for an
apartment.

TED
I don’t wanna work at a grocery store.


(CONTINUED)
47
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Well, you have no skills.

TED
I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.

JOHN
As I said, you would need a law degree
from a law school.

TED
I’m a special case. I’m a fucking
talking bear. They might make an
exception ‘cause they’re all like, “Aaa!
This bear can talk and do stuff! Let’s
give him a job and maybe he’ll give us a
few laughs,” but then they’re surprised
at what a stellar performance I’m turnin’
in. And then they practically have to
give me the Anderson case.

JOHN
Look, you get the job, and we’ll
celebrate after.

John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed.

TED
And if I don’t get the job will we still
smoke that pot?

JOHN
Probably, yes.

TED
(patting John on the leg)
Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach.


INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER’S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We
see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at
the desk, staring at Ted.

FRANK
So. You think you got what it takes?

TED
Nope.

FRANK
(a beat, then)
No one’s ever talked to me like that
before. You’re hired.
(CONTINUED)
48
CONTINUED:

TED
Shit.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary John and Ted arrive at a grocery store, where Ted, feeling out of place in formal attire, expresses his reluctance to work there, believing he could be a lawyer instead. John encourages him to take the job to afford an apartment. Despite Ted's humorous self-doubt, he candidly admits to the manager, Frank, that he doesn't think he has what it takes, leading to an unexpected hiring decision. The scene is light-hearted, showcasing their friendship and Ted's unique situation as a talking bear.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional depth
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of humor and character development. It effectively showcases the dynamic between John and Ted while moving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ted needing to find a job and going for a job interview adds depth to his character and furthers the plot. It also sets up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Ted goes for a job interview, showcasing his growth and development as a character. It also sets up potential conflicts and resolutions regarding Ted's employment.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of a talking bear navigating human society, offering a unique perspective on themes of identity and belonging. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed in this scene, with their personalities and dynamics shining through. John's supportive nature and Ted's comedic insecurity make for an engaging interaction.

Character Changes: 6

Ted undergoes a minor change in the scene by reluctantly accepting the job offer despite his initial lack of confidence. This sets up potential growth for his character in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his worth and capabilities despite his unconventional appearance and background. He wants to show that he can succeed in a human-dominated society.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to get a job at the grocery store to earn money for an apartment. This goal reflects his immediate need for financial stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal, revolving around Ted's lack of skills and confidence in the job interview. It sets up potential conflicts for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's beliefs and goals. The manager's unexpected response adds a layer of unpredictability.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on Ted's personal growth and the comedic elements of his job interview.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the subplot of Ted's job search and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. It adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the unconventional resolution of the conflict. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the protagonist will navigate the challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal norms and expectations. The protagonist challenges the idea that he needs to conform to traditional standards to be successful.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is light-hearted and comedic, focusing more on humor and character dynamics than deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and humorous, capturing the essence of the characters and driving the scene forward. It effectively conveys the relationship between John and Ted.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and humorous situations. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and rooting for his success.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm builds tension and humor effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, with a well-defined setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic dynamic between John and Ted, showcasing their friendship through humorous dialogue. However, the humor sometimes overshadows the emotional stakes of Ted's situation, which could be further developed to enhance the audience's connection to the characters.
  • Ted's reluctance to work at a grocery store is relatable, but the dialogue could benefit from more depth. Instead of just stating he doesn't want to work there, exploring his fears or insecurities about employment could add layers to his character.
  • The transition from the exterior of the grocery store to the manager's office is abrupt. A brief moment of hesitation or reflection from Ted before entering could heighten the tension and make the eventual hiring decision more impactful.
  • While the dialogue is witty, some lines feel a bit forced, particularly Ted's assertion that he could be a lawyer. This could be more believable if it were framed as a joke rather than a serious suggestion, allowing for a smoother comedic flow.
  • The scene ends on a strong comedic note with Ted's unexpected hiring, but it could benefit from a moment of reflection from John. How does he feel about Ted's success? A brief reaction could add emotional weight and set up future conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Ted expresses his fears about working or feeling inadequate, which would make his character more relatable and deepen the audience's investment in his journey.
  • Enhance the transition between the grocery store exterior and the manager's office by including a brief moment of hesitation or a comedic interaction with other customers to build anticipation.
  • Reframe Ted's lawyer aspirations as a humorous exaggeration rather than a serious claim, perhaps by having him reference a ridiculous scenario where a talking bear could actually be a lawyer.
  • Include a reaction from John after Ted is hired, whether it's surprise, pride, or concern, to provide a more rounded emotional conclusion to the scene.
  • Consider incorporating a visual gag or physical comedy element during the interview to enhance the humor and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 24 -  A Bittersweet Farewell
EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON

(Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common,
passing various park-goers. The occasional person
notices and points with a “Hey, isn’t that...” sort of
look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down.
Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with
her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on
the girl’s breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye,
and he and John make their way over to a park bench.
They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a
beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint.

TED
Well, I’m a former celebrity with a
minimum wage job. This must be what the
cast of Different Strokes feels like.

O.S. VOICE
Excuse me.

John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in
his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling
papers on the ground.

ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them
repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the
prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less
creepy man.

DONNY
I’m sorry to bother you, but my son and I
couldn’t help but admire your teddy bear.

ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat
young Donny from earlier.

JOHN
(a little uncomfortable)
Oh. Um, thank you.

DONNY
I’m Donny. And this is my boy, Robert.
I have to tell you, I’ve been fascinated
by your story ever since I was a boy. I
remember seeing you on the Carson show.
You were just wonderful.

BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at
the dropped weed.

(CONTINUED)
49
CONTINUED:

TED
Yeah, that was ah... that was a good
time.

DONNY
(to John)
I wonder, is there any chance I could
purchase the bear from you? For my son?

JOHN/TED
Huh? / Excuse me?

ROBERT
(calm)
I want it.

TED
Hey, I’m not an “it”, pal. I’m a “he.”

JOHN
(leaning down to his level)
I’m sorry, little guy, but my bear isn’t
for sale. I’ve had him since I was about
your age. He’s very special to me.

ROBERT
Sit up straight when you talk to me.

JOHN
(recoiling)
Ew, why the fuck did he say that?

DONNY
Don’t swear in front of my child. Now.
We are very interested in the bear. If
you’d like to work out some sort of
arrangement, here’s my address and phone
number.

He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John
smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet.

JOHN
Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the
really important pocket for really
important stuff.

Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a
glance back at Ted as they move off.

TED
Wow. Can you imagine what that little
shit would do to me?


(CONTINUED)
50
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Oh man, I can totally see him just taking
you down to the basement and really
slowly de-limbing you while singing some
creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.

John tugs on one of Ted’s arms trying to creep him out.
He then breaks into a creepy falsetto.

JOHN (CONT’D)
OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE
SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN
MY LIFE.

TED
Fuck you. Why do you have to take it so
far? Now it’s real. Fuck you again for
that. C’mon, let’s go find a better
place to get stoned.

They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame,
slamming right into a fucking tree.


EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two
cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one.


INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME

There’s a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes.
John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside
the doorway.

JOHN
Well... I guess this is it, huh?

TED
Yeah, sure is.

JOHN
First night on your own.

TED
Yeah. First night in my beautiful new
apartment. They say they’re ain’t hardly
been no murders here.

They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John
must leave soon.

JOHN
Okay... so... if you need anything...
(CONTINUED)
51
CONTINUED:

TED
I know.

JOHN
Seriously, anything...

TED
I know. I’ll be fine, Johnny.

JOHN
(beat)
I know you will, buddy.

They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly
turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to
smile and wave. From John’s POV, we see a diminutive-
looking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as
the camera recedes.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In Boston Common, John and Ted encounter a creepy man named Donny, who awkwardly expresses a desire to buy Ted, the teddy bear. After an uncomfortable exchange, they leave for Ted's new apartment. There, John shares a heartfelt moment with Ted, acknowledging his first night alone before departing, leaving Ted feeling lonely in his new space.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Awkward interactions
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, awkwardness, and a touch of creepiness to create an engaging and entertaining interaction between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a grown man wanting to buy a teddy bear from a former celebrity teddy bear is unique and leads to entertaining interactions.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character interactions and humor drives the scene forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character interactions and unexpected situations, such as Donny's interest in purchasing Ted's teddy bear. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, mostly focusing on the humorous and awkward interactions between the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal is to navigate his new life as a former celebrity with a minimum wage job. This reflects his desire for normalcy and acceptance despite his past fame.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the situation with Donny and his son, Robert, who want to purchase Ted's teddy bear. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal, mostly revolving around the awkwardness of the situation rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Donny's interest in purchasing the teddy bear creating conflict and tension. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, centered around a comedic and awkward encounter rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward slightly by showcasing the growing independence of one of the characters, but the main focus is on character interactions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters and the dark humor that adds a layer of tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the differing values and perspectives of John, Ted, and Donny. John values sentimental attachment to the teddy bear, while Donny sees it as a commodity to purchase.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits emotions of humor, awkwardness, and a touch of creepiness, engaging the audience in the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and contributes to the awkward and comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The interactions between John, Ted, and Donny keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. Dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall tone.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and formatting enhance the narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic tone established throughout the screenplay, particularly through Ted's humorous remarks and John's awkwardness. However, the introduction of Donny and Robert feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between John and Ted is engaging and showcases their friendship, but the interaction with Donny could be more dynamic. Donny's character comes off as one-dimensional and creepy, which may detract from the humor. Adding layers to his character or providing a more humorous or absurd motivation for wanting to buy Ted could enhance the scene.
  • The visual elements, such as the park setting and the pigeon, add to the comedic atmosphere, but the pigeon hitting the tree feels a bit forced. It might be more effective to have the pigeon interact with Ted or John in a way that ties back to their conversation or the overall theme of the scene.
  • The emotional weight of the scene is somewhat diluted by the comedic elements. While the humor is essential, the moment of Ted's loneliness at the end could be more impactful if it were foreshadowed earlier in the scene. A brief moment of reflection from John about Ted's situation could enhance the emotional resonance.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the park to the apartment could be smoother. The abrupt cut to the apartment setting feels jarring. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two locations, perhaps a line of dialogue that reflects on their day before they head home.
Suggestions
  • Introduce Donny and Robert with a more gradual build-up, perhaps by having them observe John and Ted from a distance before approaching, which could create a sense of tension or anticipation.
  • Consider giving Donny a more humorous or absurd reason for wanting to buy Ted, which could add depth to his character and enhance the comedic aspect of the scene.
  • Revise the pigeon gag to make it feel more organic to the scene. Perhaps have it interact with Ted in a way that ties back to his celebrity status or adds to the absurdity of the moment.
  • Incorporate a moment of reflection for John about Ted's loneliness before they leave the park, which could set up the emotional weight of the apartment scene more effectively.
  • Smooth out the transition between the park and the apartment by adding a line of dialogue that reflects on their day or their plans, creating a more cohesive flow between the two settings.



Scene 25 -  A Morning of Growth and Laughter
INT. JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches
TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him.

LORI
Hey there.

JOHN
Hey.

LORI
Listen... I just wanna say thank you.
What you did with Ted was a big step, and
I know it wasn’t easy, but I just want
you to know that I love you for it. And,
I think this a new beginning for our
relationship.

JOHN
Hey, anything for you. This is all part
of the new grown up, adult John Bennett.
So, get used to him.

She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie.

LORI
Y’know, I don’t have to be at work for
another twenty minutes...

JOHN
(guiding her down onto the
couch)
Ooh, that’s perfect, I’m only gonna need
one.

(CONTINUED)
52
CONTINUED:

She laughs, and they kiss.

LORI
You know what my favorite thing about you
is? After four years, you can still
surprise me. To step up and change such
a big part of your life just to make your
girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you
most guys couldn’t do it.

JOHN
Most guys don’t have you to motivate ‘em.

LORI
I’m sorry if I was pushy about it...

JOHN
No, you were right! Look, the reason I
love you so much is the same reason I
guess I take you for granted sometimes.
It’s ‘cause you’re... inevitable.

LORI
(huh?)
Inevitable. Well, that’s... romantic? I
think?

JOHN
No, what I mean is, there’s just no
version of this universe where you and I
don’t end up together. You’re
inevitable.

LORI
That sounds like something Stephen
Hawking would say to his girlfriend.

JOHN
But do you get what I’m saying?

LORI
Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same
way about you.

They kiss.

LORI (CONT’D)
(smiling coyly, as she
notices)
Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in
your pocket or are you glad to see me?

John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and
shows it to her. She cracks up.
53
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy"]

Summary In this warm and playful scene, John prepares for the day while Lori expresses her gratitude for his recent personal growth, particularly in his relationship with Ted. Their affectionate exchange highlights their deep bond, with Lori teasingly undoing John's tie and sharing kisses. John describes Lori as 'inevitable,' showcasing their strong connection. The scene concludes with a humorous moment as Lori discovers John's Flash Gordon ray gun, adding laughter to their intimate morning.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character chemistry
  • Romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the love and affection between the characters, with well-written dialogue and a mix of humor and romance. The interaction feels genuine and heartfelt, adding depth to their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a pivotal moment in John and Lori's relationship is well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of love, growth, and commitment, adding depth to the characters and their dynamic.

Plot: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and relationship dynamics than plot progression, it serves as a crucial moment in John and Lori's story, highlighting their love and commitment to each other.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on romantic relationships with its focus on sacrifice, commitment, and the idea of inevitability in love.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Lori are well-developed and relatable, with their unique personalities shining through in their interactions. Their chemistry and banter add depth to their relationship, making them engaging and likable.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the bond between John and Lori, showcasing their growth and commitment to each other. The scene highlights their love and affection, strengthening their relationship.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his love and commitment to his girlfriend, Lori, and to show her that he is willing to make sacrifices for their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to spend quality time with Lori and deepen their bond after a significant event involving Ted.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene has a low level of conflict, focusing more on the emotional connection between John and Lori. The conflict arises from their internal struggles and the challenges they face in their relationship.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the focus on emotional connection and character development rather than external conflict.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the emotional dynamics between John and Lori. The main conflict revolves around their relationship and the challenges they face as a couple.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward in terms of character development and relationship progression. It deepens the connection between John and Lori, setting the stage for future developments in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, focusing more on emotional connection and character development.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of inevitability and fate in relationships, challenging the characters' beliefs about the nature of their connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of love, warmth, and affection. The tender moments between John and Lori resonate with the audience, creating a heartfelt and touching experience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, heartfelt, and authentic, capturing the essence of John and Lori's relationship. The banter between the characters feels natural and showcases their deep connection and affection for each other.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the humor, and the emotional depth of their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of humor, intimacy, and reflection to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a romantic dialogue scene, effectively building tension and emotional connection between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of intimacy between John and Lori, showcasing their relationship's growth. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional impact. While the conversation is light-hearted, it feels somewhat surface-level and could explore their feelings more profoundly.
  • John's description of Lori as 'inevitable' is an interesting concept, but it may come off as overly abstract or philosophical for a romantic moment. This could risk losing the audience's emotional connection. A more relatable or concrete expression of his feelings might resonate better.
  • The humor introduced with the Flash Gordon ray gun is a nice touch, but it feels slightly disconnected from the emotional weight of the preceding dialogue. It might be more effective if the humor was woven throughout the scene rather than introduced abruptly at the end.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from serious conversation to playful banter could be smoother. The shift feels a bit jarring, which may disrupt the emotional flow. A more gradual transition could enhance the overall coherence of the scene.
  • While the scene does a good job of showing character development, it could benefit from more visual storytelling. For instance, incorporating actions that reflect their emotional states—like John fidgeting with his tie or Lori's body language—could add depth to their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue to deepen the emotional connection between John and Lori. This could involve them sharing specific memories or experiences that highlight their bond.
  • Rework John's description of Lori as 'inevitable' to make it more relatable. Perhaps he could reference a specific moment in their relationship that solidified his feelings for her.
  • Integrate humor more seamlessly throughout the scene rather than saving it for the end. This could involve John making a joke earlier in the conversation that ties back to the ray gun.
  • Smooth the transition between the serious and playful tones by incorporating a moment of levity that arises naturally from their conversation, rather than introducing it abruptly.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more physical actions that reflect their emotional states, such as John adjusting his tie nervously or Lori leaning in closer as they share intimate moments.



Scene 26 -  Flirting and Friendship
EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY


INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME

Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer.

TED
Thank you, please come again, we have a
lot more groceries.

The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to
ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next
station.

TED (CONT’D)
Hey Ellen?

ELLEN
Yeah?

TED
Who’s that over there?

ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries
a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN).

ELLEN
That’s the new bag girl. I don’t know
her name, but she seems cute.

TED
Yeah. Very cute. You know what I’d like
to do to her? Somethin’ I call a Dirty
Fozzie.

Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy
face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He
pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes
widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs
an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl
laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid
sprays all over his face from one side, then from the
other. WIDEN to reveal he’s squirting two bottles of
pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs
and shakes her head “no.”

TED (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Okay, so that’s where we’ll draw the
line.


EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY
54


INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME

John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on
his iPhone. Tanya approaches.

TANYA
Hey. How you holding up?

JOHN
Oh, I’m all right. Just... getting used
to things, that’s all.

TANYA
It’s gonna be all right. Y’know, I went
through something like this with my last
boyfriend.

JOHN
Really?

TANYA
Yeah, we were dating for eight months,
and I was really in love with him, and
then he was deported back to Iran. So, I
get it.

JOHN
Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost
our furry little guy.

TANYA
Yeah.

John’s phone rings the theme from “Knight Rider.” He
sees Ted’s name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling open-
mouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a
bra on his head. John picks up.

JOHN
Hey, Ted.

TED (V.O.)
Johnny. What are you doin’? You wanna
come over and catch a buzz?

JOHN
I could probably swing by after work.

TED (V.O.)
Fuck that, I traded off yesterday, so I
got the night shift. C’mon, I’m bored as
crap over here, just swing by for a bit.



(CONTINUED)
55
CONTINUED:

JOHN
I can’t just ditch work, man. Look, I’m
trying to get my shit together and be an
adult here, y’know? For Lori’s sake.


INT. TED’S BATHROOM - DAY

Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds
in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats
in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from
him and John.

TED
John. Five minutes. And then I’ll kick
you out, I promise. C’mon, I picked up
the “Cheers” DVD box set, and supposedly
everybody talks shit about each other in
the interviews.

JOHN
Really?

TED
Yeah, and apparently George Wendt
confesses to a rape.

JOHN
(beat)
Sometimes adults get high.

TED
They do, John. Sometimes they do.

JOHN
You’ll kick me out in five.

TED (V.O.)
John, I have to kick you out. I am
extraordinarily busy today, I have so
much teddy bear paperwork to get through,
it is retarded. Five minutes and you’re
outta here.

John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office.

JOHN
What do I tell Thomas?

TED
Just tell him you don’t feel well.
56
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In a grocery store, bored cashier Ted flirts with new bagger Tami-Lynn using crude pantomimes, which she finds entertaining. Meanwhile, John, working at a rental car agency, receives a call from Ted inviting him to hang out. Despite his initial hesitation to abandon his responsibilities, John's interest is piqued by Ted's promise of a fun time with a 'Cheers' DVD. The scene captures the light-hearted camaraderie between the friends as John contemplates the balance between work and leisure.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective comedic timing
Weaknesses
  • Potentially offensive humor
  • Lack of significant character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor with underlying tension and conflict, showcasing the dynamic between Ted and John in a comedic yet meaningful way.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting adult responsibilities with immature behavior in a mundane setting like a grocery store is engaging and provides a unique perspective on character dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as John grapples with balancing his relationship with Lori and his friendship with Ted, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential conflicts in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unexpected situations, such as Ted's inappropriate behavior at work and the absurd conversations between characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ted and John are well-developed, with Ted's crude humor and John's internal conflict adding layers to their personalities. Their interactions are engaging and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints at character growth, particularly in John's internal conflict, the scene primarily focuses on establishing the dynamic between Ted and John.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal in this scene is to entertain himself and alleviate his boredom at work. This reflects his desire for excitement and humor in his mundane job.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal is to convince John to come over and hang out with him. This reflects his immediate desire for companionship and fun.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between John's desire to be responsible and Ted's inappropriate behavior creates tension and sets the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Ted's carefree attitude conflicting with John's sense of responsibility, creating tension and humor in their interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and humor rather than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges John faces in balancing his relationship with Lori and his friendship with Ted, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected and humorous actions of the characters, creating moments of surprise and amusement for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between Ted's carefree and irresponsible attitude towards work and John's sense of responsibility and maturity. This challenges Ted's beliefs about adulthood and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to awkwardness, engaging the audience and setting up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships. It effectively conveys the tone of the scene and enhances the comedic elements.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its humorous dialogue, playful interactions, and comedic situations that keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters' relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining a balance between dialogue, action, and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic tone of the screenplay, showcasing Ted's outrageous personality and his flirtation with Tami-Lynn. However, the humor can sometimes overshadow character development, making it feel more like a series of gags rather than a meaningful interaction.
  • The dialogue between Ted and Ellen is functional but lacks depth. While it serves to introduce Tami-Lynn, it could benefit from more character-specific banter that reveals their personalities or backstories, enhancing the audience's connection to them.
  • The transition between Ted's antics at the grocery store and John's serious conversation at the rental car agency feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative and keep the audience engaged with both storylines.
  • Ted's phone call with John is humorous but could be more impactful if it included a moment of vulnerability or a deeper reflection on their friendship. This would add emotional weight to the scene and highlight the stakes of John's struggle to balance his responsibilities.
  • The visual gags, such as Ted's pantomimes, are entertaining but may come off as repetitive if overused. It's important to balance physical comedy with character-driven moments to keep the audience invested in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Ted reflects on his feelings for Tami-Lynn, which could add depth to his character and make the audience root for him more.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Ted and Ellen to include more playful banter that reveals their personalities, making the grocery store setting feel more vibrant and engaging.
  • Introduce a more seamless transition between Ted's comedic antics and John's serious conversation by incorporating a visual or thematic link, such as a shared memory or a callback to their friendship.
  • Incorporate a moment of vulnerability in Ted's phone call with John, perhaps by having him express loneliness or a desire for connection, which would deepen their friendship and the stakes of John's choices.
  • Limit the number of physical gags in favor of character-driven humor to maintain a balance between comedy and emotional resonance, ensuring that the audience remains invested in the characters' journeys.



Scene 27 -  A Doggone Emergency
INT. THOMAS’ OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk.

JOHN
I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried
to break up a dog fight, and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

THOMAS
Oh my god.

JOHN
Yeah, she’s-- that’s the way she is, she
sees trouble, she tries to help out, and
I guess one of these dogs clamped his
jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn’t let
go until the fireman showed up and had to
stick his finger in his ass.

THOMAS
Jesus, John.

JOHN
Yeah, she’s pretty shook up.

THOMAS
Oh my god.
(beat)
Up the dog’s ass, right?
JOHN
Yeah, that’s how they--

THOMAS
That’s how they get ‘em to stop biting,
sure.

JOHN
Yeah.

THOMAS
Go go go, take care of it, let me know
how she is.

JOHN
Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one.

THOMAS
You don’t owe me anything, go.

John smiles wanly, and exits.



(CONTINUED)
57
CONTINUED:

THOMAS (CONT’D)
(looking at his own finger)
Jesus.


EXT./ ESTAB. TED’S NEW APARTMENT - DAY
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In Thomas' office, John urgently informs him that he must leave work due to Lori's serious injury from a dog bite while trying to break up a fight. Thomas expresses shock and concern for Lori, encouraging John to go assist her. The scene blends concern with dark humor as they discuss the bizarre circumstances of the injury. John exits to help Lori, leaving Thomas in disbelief over the unusual situation.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and concern
  • Reveals character dynamics
  • Sets up potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character changes
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and concern, providing insight into the characters' dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on Lori's dog bite incident and John's reaction, is engaging and sets up future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as John deals with Lori's injury, hinting at potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation involving a dog fight and a humorous resolution involving a fireman. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities shine through in their reactions to the situation, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to seek help and understanding from his boss, Thomas, regarding a personal emergency involving his friend Lori. This reflects John's deeper need for support and empathy in a difficult situation.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to inform Thomas about Lori's situation and seek permission to leave work to attend to her. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly introduced through Lori's injury, setting the stage for potential tensions and resolutions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with a small obstacle in the form of Lori's injury and John's need to seek permission to leave work. The audience is unsure of how Thomas will react, adding a layer of tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with Lori's injury hinting at potential challenges and growth for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and deepening the characters' relationships and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events involving Lori's injury and the humorous resolution with the fireman. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' reactions to Lori's situation. Thomas shows concern and empathy, while John displays a more casual attitude, emphasizing Lori's bravery and the humorous aspect of the situation. This conflict challenges their beliefs about how to respond to emergencies and the importance of personal relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to concern, engaging the audience in the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys humor, concern, and character dynamics, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable characters, and the blend of humor and emotion. The audience is drawn into the conversation and invested in the outcome of Lori's situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, with a natural flow of dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the conversation adds to the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character cues. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between characters in a workplace setting. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to address a serious situation, which is a hallmark of the screenplay's tone. However, the graphic nature of the dog bite incident might be off-putting for some audiences. While the absurdity of the fireman's method is funny, it could be perceived as distasteful given the context of someone getting hurt. This juxtaposition could be refined to maintain humor without crossing into uncomfortable territory.
  • John's dialogue is relatable and captures his concern for Lori, but the pacing feels slightly rushed. The transition from the serious nature of Lori's injury to the comedic reaction from Thomas could benefit from a more gradual build-up. This would allow the audience to digest the gravity of the situation before diving into the humor.
  • Thomas's character comes off as somewhat one-dimensional in this scene. While he serves as a comedic foil to John's serious news, adding a layer of depth to his character could enhance the scene. Perhaps a brief moment where Thomas reflects on his own experiences with pets or injuries could provide a more rounded portrayal.
  • The repetition of 'Oh my god' from Thomas feels excessive. While it emphasizes his shock, it could be trimmed to maintain the flow of the dialogue. A single, well-placed reaction could suffice, allowing for a more impactful moment.
  • The scene ends on a humorous note with Thomas looking at his own finger, which is a clever visual gag. However, it might benefit from a stronger emotional resonance. Perhaps a line from John that reinforces his concern for Lori before he exits could create a more balanced conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic description of the dog bite to maintain humor without alienating the audience. A more subtle approach could still convey the absurdity of the situation.
  • Slow down the pacing of the dialogue to allow for comedic timing. Adding pauses or beats between lines can enhance the humor and give the audience time to react.
  • Develop Thomas's character further by incorporating a personal anecdote or reaction that adds depth to his response. This could make the interaction feel more genuine and relatable.
  • Reduce the repetition of Thomas's shocked reactions. Instead, focus on one strong reaction that encapsulates his surprise and concern.
  • End the scene with a line from John that emphasizes his worry for Lori, creating a stronger emotional connection before transitioning to the next scene.



Scene 28 -  High Times and Nostalgia
INT. TED’S NEW APARTMENT - SAME

ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being
interviewed.

TED DANSON
Was there cocaine on the set of “Cheers”?
Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to
answer that. Um...are there naked dicks
in gay porn?
(laughs warmly)
Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I
mean, it was the eighties. And I was
king. I was king of the eighties. I was
Ted fucking Danson. And not only that, I
was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. Was I
popular? Gee, lemme think: are there
naked dicks in gay porn?
(laughs warmly)
Yes, I was quite beloved.

ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong.

JOHN
You know, he’s exactly who you want him
to be.

TED
He is. He is. Someone the likes of
which we should all aspire to become.

ANGLE BACK ON TV -

TED DANSON
Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I’ve ever
seen on a man.

ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted -

TED
(passing him bong)
Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to
step it up, and he gave me this.

JOHN
What is it?

(CONTINUED)
58
CONTINUED:

TED
It’s called Kennedy’s Head. It’s
actually pretty mellow.

JOHN
That doesn’t sound very mellow.

TED
No, it’s-- it makes you cerebral. Like
Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That’s what
it refers to. Decisions under pressure.
Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it
up.

John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around.

JOHN
Y’know, this place looks great.

TED
Yeah, it’s all Ikea. Did the whole
apartment for 47 dollars.

JOHN
How are the neighbors?

TED
There’s an Asian family next door, but
they don’t have a gong or nothin’, so
it’s fine.

JOHN
That’s lucky.

TED
How’s work?

JOHN
Sucks.

TED
Ah.

JOHN
You?

TED
It’s actualy not bad. Met a girl. She’s
a bagger.

JOHN
No way, that’s awesome. We should double
date, you, me Lori and, what’s her name?


(CONTINUED)
59
CONTINUED:

TED
White trash name. Guess.

JOHN
Uh, Mandy?

TED
Nope.

JOHN
Madison?

TED
Nope.

JOHN
Britney, Tiffany, Candice?

TED
Nope.

JOHN
Don’t fuck with me on this. I know this
shit.

TED
I know you do, and I am not fucking with
you.

JOHN
Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna,
Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren,
Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty,
Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey,
Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla,
Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky?

TED
Nope.

JOHN
Okay, was it any one of those names with
a Lynn after it?

TED
Yep.

JOHN
Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn--


(CONTINUED)
60
CONTINUED:

TED
Tami-Lynn.

JOHN
Fuck!
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In Ted's new apartment, he and his friend John enjoy a laid-back afternoon watching a humorous TV interview with Ted Danson, who reflects on his past fame and the presence of cocaine on the set of 'Cheers.' As they share a bong and discuss the quality of their marijuana, their conversation shifts to John's work troubles and Ted's new romantic interest, culminating in a playful guessing game about her name, which is revealed to be Tami-Lynn. The scene captures a relaxed, humorous atmosphere filled with camaraderie and nostalgia.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with witty dialogue and a humorous tone that keeps the audience engaged. It effectively showcases the relationship between Ted and John while providing comedic moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talking bear and his human friend engaging in everyday conversations is unique and entertaining. The scene effectively explores the humor and dynamics of their relationship.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it provides insight into the characters of Ted and John and adds comedic value to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to humor and character interactions. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ted and John are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and a strong bond. Their banter and interactions showcase their friendship and comedic dynamic.

Character Changes: 4

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, it further establishes the bond and dynamic between Ted and John, showcasing their personalities and friendship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of humor and camaraderie with his friend John, despite personal and work-related challenges. This reflects his deeper need for connection and escapism from everyday stress.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to relax and enjoy the company of his friend John in his new apartment. This reflects the immediate circumstances of seeking comfort and distraction from work-related stress.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on humor and character interactions rather than intense drama or tension.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with minor obstacles and challenges that add tension and conflict to the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in the scene, focusing more on humor and character interactions rather than intense conflict or high-risk situations.

Story Forward: 5

The scene adds depth to the characters of Ted and John and provides comedic relief, contributing to the overall narrative by developing their relationship and personalities.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions. The humor and banter keep the audience guessing and engaged in the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition between humor and seriousness, as the characters engage in light-hearted banter while discussing personal and societal issues. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about coping mechanisms and the importance of maintaining a positive attitude in difficult situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits light-hearted and positive emotions through its humor and witty dialogue, providing entertainment value without delving into deep emotional themes.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and humorous dialogue between Ted and John drives the scene, keeping it engaging and entertaining. The banter reflects their unique personalities and relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and humorous interactions. The dynamic between Ted and John keeps the audience invested in their relationship and personal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor with deeper themes, creating a dynamic and engaging atmosphere. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the themes and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic tone of the screenplay, utilizing Ted Danson's humorous interview as a framing device that reflects the absurdity of the characters' lives. However, the transition between the TV interview and the conversation between John and Ted could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue is witty and showcases the chemistry between John and Ted, particularly in the guessing game about Ted's new romantic interest. However, the list of names could be trimmed down to maintain pacing and avoid overwhelming the audience with too many options. A more concise list would keep the humor intact while enhancing the rhythm of the dialogue.
  • The use of the bong and the reference to 'Kennedy's Head' adds a layer of humor and character depth, but it may benefit from a clearer connection to the themes of the story. The mention of Kennedy could be tied back to John's personal growth or struggles, reinforcing the narrative arc.
  • While the humor is strong, the emotional stakes could be heightened. The scene could benefit from a moment of vulnerability or reflection from John regarding his life choices, especially in contrast to Ted's carefree attitude. This would deepen the character development and provide a more poignant contrast to the comedic elements.
  • The visual elements, such as the description of the apartment being furnished for $47, effectively establish Ted's character and lifestyle. However, adding more sensory details about the apartment could enhance the setting, making it feel more lived-in and relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue during the name-guessing game by reducing the number of names John lists. Focus on the most humorous or relevant names to keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the transition between the TV interview and the conversation by incorporating a visual cue or a reaction shot that connects the two moments more fluidly.
  • Introduce a brief moment where John reflects on his life choices or expresses a desire for change, contrasting with Ted's carefree demeanor. This could add depth to the scene and reinforce character arcs.
  • Add more sensory details to the description of Ted's apartment to create a stronger sense of place and character. This could include smells, sounds, or visual clutter that reflects Ted's personality.
  • Consider incorporating a callback to the themes of the story, such as lost magic or childhood wishes, in the dialogue or interactions between John and Ted to reinforce the narrative's emotional core.



Scene 29 -  Dinner Disputes
EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT


INT. RESTAURANT - SAME

John, Ted, Lori and Ted’s dolled-up and sort of trashy
date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat
dinner.

TAMI-LYNN
See, I was all pissed off ‘cause me and
my friend Danielle were supposed to go
skydiving last year, but then she got
pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we
couldn’t go and I was all upset, but then
she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up
getting to go skydiving, and it was so
scary but it was so much fun.

JOHN
Hey, well... it sounds like everything
worked out then.

TAMI-LYNN
I guess god wanted me to go skydiving,
y’know?

LORI
Jesus.

TAMI-LYNN
Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever.

TED
Hey, isn’t this great? The four of us
here, having dinner together? Lori,
how’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in
forever.

LORI
Um, I’ve been good. Not much going on.
My company’s 20th anniversary is next
week, that’s something.

JOHN
(proud, to Tami-Lynn)
Lori’s a senior VP at a big PR firm.

(CONTINUED)
61
CONTINUED:

LORI
It’s not that big a deal.

TED
Company’s turnin’ 20, eh? So you can
bang it but you can’t get it drunk.

Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori
isn’t quite as delighted.

LORI
(visibly annoyed)
I’m surprised John didn’t tell you
already. Seems like you guys have seen
each other every day since you moved out.

TED
Well, it’s funny, usually the first item
on our agenda is “what’s goin’ on with
Lori?” So I’m surprised that one slipped
through the cracks.

JOHN
We do, we talk about you all the time.

TED
Right?

JOHN
Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we
were talking about... how... neat all of
Lori’s shoes are?

TED
That was a lengthy conversation.

JOHN
And we were saying like, a lot of women
look like unsteady horses when they wear
high heels, but Lori has a sort of...
regal... trot.

TED
A canter.

JOHN
Oh my god yes. You canter.

Lori stares at him for a beat, then:

LORI
So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us
about yourself. I’m always... fascinated
to meet Ted’s girlfriends.

(CONTINUED)
62
CONTINUED:

TAMI-LYNN
What do you mean girlfriends?
(to Ted)
Is there like a lot of ‘em or somethin’?

TED
No, no, that’s not what she’s sayin’ at
all, right Lori?

LORI
No, right, I was-- all I was doing was
asking. Ted’s very... attractive, I’m
just always interested in the... type of
girl that can snatch him up.

TAMI-LYNN
Did you just call me a whore?

LORI
What? No, I--

TAMI-LYNN
You just worry about your own snatch, how
‘bout that, honey?

TED/JOHN
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell
happened? We’re havin’ a friendly meal
here!

TAMI-LYNN
Don’t talk shit to me!

LORI
I was just asking a question.
TAMI-LYNN
You’re a friggin’ snob! You think you’re
all cool cause you work at some fancy
shit place!

TED
It’s okay, Tami.
(to Lori)
Nice, Lori. Real nice.

LORI
What?! It’s not my fault she can’t speak
English.

TAMI-LYNN
Fuck you! Just ‘cause you’re all in the
business world and shit, you think
everyone’s supposed to like, suck your
asshole!
(CONTINUED)
63
CONTINUED:

TED
Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let’s get outta
here. We’ll go back to my place for a
couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay?
See ya, John.

Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the
table.

LORI
What a cunt.

JOHN
(covering ears in pain)
Ooh! I hate that word.

LORI
Huh?

JOHN
That word is so sharp. It’s like an
electric sword, slashing everything in
its path.

LORI
Well, you didn’t exactly stick up for me.

JOHN
I... I’m trying to walk a line here, I
want to be fair to you and to him,
y’know?

LORI
Yeah, well, I think you’re being a little
more fair to him.

JOHN
(scoffing)
Come on.

LORI
Y’know, your boss called this morning and
asked me how my arm was.

JOHN
(caught)
Oh?

LORI
Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried
to break up.

JOHN
Ohh...

(CONTINUED)
64
CONTINUED:

LORI
If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that
was some bullshit lie you made up so you
could take off work and go to Ted’s. Am
I right?

JOHN
(beat)
I... I made you out to be a hero.

LORI
John, Ted moved out so we could give
ourselves a chance without him. You’re
not really giving anything a chance if
you’re blowing off work to get high with
your teddy bear.

JOHN
It won’t happen again, I promise.

LORI
(with a bit of anger)
Yes. It will.

A beat. She sighs.

LORI (CONT’D)
I wanna break up.

JOHN
(thrown)
W... What?

LORI
I’m just... I’m done. This isn’t gonna
work. We’re in two different places.

JOHN
Lori, look, I know--

LORI
You promised me you were gonna grow up
and take our life together seriously.

JOHN
Hey, Ted moved out, didn’t he? I did
that for you-- for us! And it wasn’t
easy.

LORI
Jesus, he might as well still be living
with us, John. You spend more time with
him than you do with me.


(CONTINUED)
65
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Okay, look. I’ve been getting stoned too
much. I know that. I’ve been bumming
around with Ted too much, I know that,
too. Give me one more chance, I promise
I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much,
please give me one more chance.

LORI
(beat)
I need a man, John. Not a boy with a
teddy bear.

JOHN
I know. Done. Man, right here in front
of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs.
Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man
hair. I just farted. Man fart.

Lori can’t help but let a small laugh escape. She
softens a bit...

LORI
John... this really is your last chance.
I can’t do this anymore.

JOHN
You won’t have to. Trust me. I love
you.

He kisses her.

LORI
(beat)
Okay.

JOHN
Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You
won’t be sorry, I swear.

She smiles at him, then:

LORI
Did you really just fart?

JOHN
Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my
hand.

LORI
Oh. Wonder where it’ll hit first.

WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing
happens.

(CONTINUED)
66
CONTINUED:

Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a
couple other men and women) screams into his napkin,
followed by his dining companions.

GUY AT TABLE
(furious)
Who did this to us?!

GUY #2 AT TABLE
(furious)
God dammit! I’m here on business!
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a tense restaurant setting, John, Ted, Lori, and Tami-Lynn navigate a dinner filled with escalating conflicts. Tami-Lynn shares a skydiving story, sparking a conversation that turns sour when Lori's comments about Tami-Lynn's relationship with Ted are seen as snobbish. This leads to a heated argument, prompting Ted and Tami-Lynn to leave. After their departure, Lori confronts John about their relationship, expressing her desire to break up. Despite John's comedic attempts to lighten the mood, Lori ultimately gives him one last chance, ending the scene on a mix of tension and intimacy.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and drama
  • Realistic character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Tension may be too intense for some viewers
  • Some may find the humor inappropriate in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with serious moments, creating tension and drama while advancing the plot and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a tense dinner conversation that leads to a relationship ultimatum, is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is crucial in revealing the strained relationship between the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on relationship conflicts and personal growth, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene and driving the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

At least one character, John, undergoes a significant change as he faces a relationship ultimatum and promises to mature and take things seriously.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to navigate his relationship with Lori and address his own shortcomings in their relationship. He wants to prove his maturity and commitment to her.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to salvage his relationship with Lori and convince her to give him another chance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters and leading to a significant relationship revelation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and desires driving the conflict between characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as Lori delivers an ultimatum to John, leading to a potential breakup and significant relationship changes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key relationship dynamics and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around maturity, commitment, and personal growth. Lori expects John to be a responsible adult, while John struggles to balance his relationship with his friendship with Ted.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of humor, tension, and drama evoking various emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, effectively conveying the tensions and emotions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the emotional stakes, humor, and relatable character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and allows for character development and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of conflict and resolution, with well-paced dialogue and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Lori and Tami-Lynn, showcasing their contrasting personalities and the underlying issues in John and Lori's relationship. However, the dialogue can feel a bit forced at times, particularly Tami-Lynn's initial monologue about skydiving, which seems overly detailed and distracts from the main conflict. It might benefit from being more concise to maintain the scene's pacing.
  • The humor in the scene is a strong point, especially with Ted's quips and John's attempts to diffuse the tension. However, the transition from light-hearted banter to a serious argument feels abrupt. The shift could be smoother, perhaps by gradually increasing the tension in the dialogue before the confrontation escalates.
  • Lori's character comes across as frustrated and assertive, which is good for her development, but her motivations could be clearer. The audience might benefit from a bit more insight into why she feels so strongly about John's relationship with Ted, especially since she seems to oscillate between annoyance and affection towards him.
  • The ending of the scene, with the guy at the table reacting to John's fart, is humorous but feels somewhat disconnected from the emotional weight of the preceding argument. It might be more effective to either integrate this humor more seamlessly into the dialogue or to let the emotional moment linger a bit longer before introducing a comedic beat.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Tami-Lynn's skydiving story to keep the focus on the main conflict and maintain the scene's momentum. A shorter, punchier anecdote could achieve the same effect without dragging the pace.
  • Gradually build the tension in the dialogue leading up to the argument between Lori and Tami-Lynn. This could involve more subtle jabs or passive-aggressive comments before the confrontation escalates, making the shift feel more organic.
  • Provide a clearer motivation for Lori's frustration with John and Ted's relationship. Perhaps include a line or two that hints at her deeper feelings about John's immaturity or her own desires for the future, which would add depth to her character.
  • Reassess the placement of the fart joke at the end. If the intention is to lighten the mood, consider introducing it earlier in the conversation or allowing the emotional moment between John and Lori to breathe before cutting to the comedic reaction.



Scene 30 -  Unexpected Promotions
EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY


INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

Ted’s boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a
clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to
confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at
Ellen’s register.

FRANK
What the hell?

He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and
notices him.

GUY IN LINE
Hey, dude, you think you could open more
than one register? There’s like a
thousand people here!

FRANK
There’s supposed to be three registers
open, for god’s sake!

He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms
off toward the back. He looks around the butcher’s
counter and produce area, then walk into the back
storeroom.


INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE
ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost
naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging
her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away,
with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock
and horror.
67


INT. FRANK’S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted.

FRANK
You had sexual intercourse with a
coworker in a storeroom filled with
produce that we sell to the public.

TED
Yes.

FRANK
(beat)
That took guts. We need guts. I’m
promoting you.

TED
Oh.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In a grocery store, Frank, frustrated by a long line at the register, confronts a customer before storming off to the storeroom. There, he catches Ted in a compromising situation with Tami Lynn, leading to shock and confusion. Instead of reprimanding Ted, Frank surprisingly promotes him for his audacity, shifting the tone from frustration to dark humor.
Strengths
  • Humor
  • Surprise element
  • Character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Focus on shock value

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor and shock value to create an entertaining and unexpected turn of events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ted's promotion due to his inappropriate behavior is unique and adds an unexpected twist to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the introduction of Ted's promotion, adding a new dynamic to the relationship between the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of workplace drama, adding humor and unexpected twists to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters react authentically to the shocking situation, adding depth to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 5

While Ted experiences a significant change in his job status, the other characters remain relatively unchanged.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult situation with his boss after being caught in a compromising position. This reflects his fear of consequences and desire to maintain his job and reputation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the fallout of his actions and potentially face disciplinary action from his boss. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing due to his behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Ted's inappropriate actions and the consequences he faces, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing consequences for his actions and having to navigate a difficult conversation with his boss. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised for Ted as he faces the consequences of his actions, impacting his job and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic in Ted's relationship with his boss and coworkers.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the protagonist being caught in a compromising position and the surprising reaction of his boss. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between personal desires and professional responsibilities. The protagonist's decision to engage in inappropriate behavior challenges his values and beliefs about work ethics and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and shock value rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the shock and humor of the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, humor, and tension created by the protagonist's actions and the reactions of the other characters. The conflict and resolution keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character reactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the writing enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses shock humor, which is a hallmark of the film's tone. However, the abrupt transition from the grocery store chaos to the storeroom scene feels jarring. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain audience engagement.
  • The dialogue between Frank and Ted is concise and captures the absurdity of the situation. However, Frank's reaction could be expanded to include more comedic elements, perhaps by adding a humorous internal monologue or exaggerated physical reactions to emphasize his disbelief.
  • While the visual of Ted's furry butt is intended to be humorous, it may come off as overly crude for some audiences. Balancing the shock value with cleverness could make the humor more universally appealing.
  • The promotion of Ted feels rushed and lacks sufficient buildup. It would be beneficial to explore Frank's character more, perhaps by showing his own struggles or insecurities, which would make his decision to promote Ted more impactful and humorous.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or stakes. While the humor is present, there is little consequence for Ted's actions, which could diminish the tension. Introducing a potential fallout or conflict stemming from this incident could enhance the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of Frank's internal conflict before he decides to promote Ted, which could add depth to his character and make the promotion feel more earned.
  • Incorporate a comedic reaction from other employees or customers witnessing the chaos in the storeroom, which could heighten the absurdity and provide additional humor.
  • Explore the aftermath of this incident in subsequent scenes, perhaps showing how it affects Ted's relationships with his coworkers or the grocery store's reputation, to create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more witty banter or absurdity, particularly in Frank's lines, to enhance the comedic tone and make the scene more memorable.
  • Consider using visual gags or physical comedy to complement the dialogue, such as Frank's exaggerated facial expressions or body language, to amplify the humor without relying solely on shock value.



Scene 31 -  Unsettling Offers
EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT

We see the “CLOSED” sign on the door. Ted exits,
finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the
dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook
shot into a trash can. He takes the shot:

TED
Kareem!

The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters.

TED (CONT’D)
You suck, Kareem.

We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and
looks around. There appears to be no one in the
darkness.

TED (CONT’D)
Hello?

No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds
nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who
stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb.

DONNY
Hello, Ted.

TED
Gah! Uh... hi there.

DONNY
Are you all alone out here?
(CONTINUED)
68
CONTINUED:

TED
Uh... no. No I’m not. I’m... you know,
you’re never alone when you’re with
Christ.

DONNY
You know, Robert and I could give you a
very, very good home.

TED
I’m... I’m pretty happy where I am. I
just got a shitty new apartment--

DONNY
I can offer you six thousand dollars in
railroad bonds. They were left to me by
my father.

TED
Well, gosh, you know, since I just
returned from active duty in the Civil
War, that sounds really appealing. Oh
wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty
years ago, and I don’t give a shit.

Tami-Lynn approaches.

TAMI-LYNN
Teddy, come on-- we’re gonna have pop
tarts and cigarettes with my mom before
she goes to work.

TED
Yeah, I’m comin’, sweetheart.
(to Donny)
Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I’m
gonna have to decline.

DONNY
I really wish you wouldn’t...

TED
Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I’d
like to thank you for creepin’ up my
night, and... Jesus be with you. In
Christ.

Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily
determined.
69
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Late at night outside a grocery store, Ted attempts a basketball shot into a trash can but fails. He is unexpectedly confronted by Donny, who makes a creepy offer of a home and railroad bonds, which Ted sarcastically declines. Tami-Lynn interrupts, calling Ted away and providing a light-hearted distraction from the unsettling encounter. Ted hurries off, leaving Donny looking determined.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Surprising and intriguing encounter
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and an eerie atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a late-night encounter between Ted and Donny adds depth to the storyline and introduces a new conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Ted faces an unexpected encounter with Donny, setting up potential future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a confrontation between characters, blending humor with tension and exploring themes of loyalty and temptation in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ted and Donny are well-portrayed, with Ted's humor contrasting with Donny's eerie presence, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the encounter with Donny sets up potential changes and developments for Ted.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and reject Donny's offer, showcasing his loyalty to his current life and relationships.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal is to avoid being persuaded by Donny's offer of railroad bonds and to return to Tami-Lynn for pop tarts and cigarettes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ted and Donny creates tension and sets up future conflicts, increasing the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Donny's persuasive tactics challenging Ted's resolve and creating conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the eerie encounter with Donny, hinting at potential danger for Ted.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected encounter with Donny and the tension between characters, leaving the audience unsure of Ted's decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ted's desire for independence and Donny's attempt to lure him with material possessions, highlighting the clash between personal values and external temptations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to tension, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor and tension in the scene, enhancing the character dynamics and conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and action, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Ted's humorous personality and his interactions with Donny, but it lacks a strong sense of urgency or tension that could elevate the stakes. Given the previous scene's intensity, the transition to a more comedic tone feels slightly jarring.
  • The dialogue between Ted and Donny is witty, but it could benefit from more subtext. Donny's offer of railroad bonds feels out of place and could be more menacing or manipulative to enhance the threat he poses to Ted.
  • Ted's reaction to Donny's offer is humorous, but it may come off as dismissive rather than genuinely concerned. This could undermine the potential for character development, as Ted should be more aware of the danger he is in.
  • The introduction of Tami-Lynn is abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene. Her arrival feels like a convenient plot device rather than a natural progression of the narrative.
  • The visual elements, such as the eerie lighting and the setting of the dumpster alley, are effective in creating a tense atmosphere. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive action lines to enhance the visual storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a sense of urgency or danger to the scene by having Donny display more aggressive or unsettling behavior, which would heighten the tension and make Ted's humor feel more like a coping mechanism.
  • Revise Donny's dialogue to include more sinister undertones, making his offer sound more like a threat than a generous proposal. This could create a more compelling conflict between the characters.
  • Explore Ted's internal conflict more deeply. Show him grappling with the implications of Donny's offer, which could add depth to his character and make the audience more invested in his safety.
  • Integrate Tami-Lynn's character more smoothly into the scene. Perhaps she could arrive at a moment when Ted is feeling particularly threatened, providing a contrast to the tension and showcasing their relationship.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more specific actions and reactions from Ted and Donny. For example, describe Ted's body language or facial expressions to convey his discomfort or fear more vividly.



Scene 32 -  A Festive Reunion at Rex's Anniversary Party
EXT./ ESTAB. REX’S HOUSE - NIGHT

John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house
in Cambridge. It’s a very impressive estate with no
expense spared.

LORI
(smiling at him warmly)
I’m glad you’re here.

JOHN
Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your
boss’ ass? That won’t affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

LORI
Play nice. Please.

Rex throws open the door.

REX
There she is! I was worried you weren’t
coming!
(to John)
Hi kiddo, how ya doin’? Where’s your
bunny rabbit?

JOHN
He’s a bear.

REX
(ushering them in)
Got it. “Hey, this house is fucking
huge!” I know guys, try not to get lost.


INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed
servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors
d’ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays
and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and
hundreds of guests. A large banner reads “Happy 20th
Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations.”

REX
Oh, here come the ladies.

Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs
their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a
tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass.




(CONTINUED)
70
CONTINUED:

REX (CONT’D)
Say listen, why don’t John and I give you
gals a chance to talk tampax while we go
grab a drink at the bar, huh?

LORI
Sure.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary John and Lori arrive at Rex's lavish house for a grand celebration of Plymouth Public Relations' 20th anniversary. Rex greets them with humor, introducing them to a group of women, including Gina, Michelle, and Tracy. The party is lively, filled with servers and a big band, creating a festive atmosphere. John playfully jokes about confronting Rex, which Lori tries to diffuse, leading to friendly interactions among the guests. The scene concludes with Rex inviting John to the bar, shifting the focus back to the celebration.
Strengths
  • Effective humor
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution in conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and conflict to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a high-stakes party setting with comedic and tense interactions is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with the introduction of tension between Lori and Tami-Lynn, setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a high-class party but adds originality through the characters' unique personalities, witty dialogue, and subtle conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Lori and Tami-Lynn experience changes in their relationship dynamics, setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics of the party and maintain a positive relationship with Lori while interacting with her boss and colleagues. This reflects his desire to impress Lori and fit into her world, as well as his fear of making a bad impression or causing tension in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to socialize and network at the party, particularly with Lori's boss and colleagues. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a high-pressure social situation and making a good impression in a professional setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Lori and Tami-Lynn adds depth and tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with subtle conflicts and power dynamics at play. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the social challenges and maintain their relationships.

High Stakes: 7

The high-stakes party setting and conflicts raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening character relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character actions, subtle conflicts, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Rex's casual and irreverent attitude towards the party and the more formal and professional behavior expected in a corporate setting. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about appropriate social behavior and professionalism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension, engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and engaging, adding to the humor and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and high-stakes social dynamics. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, humor, and intrigue. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a party scene in a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are clearly presented.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a party scene in a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting, character interactions, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the setting of Rex's lavish house, which contrasts with the previous tension involving Donny. This shift in tone is important for pacing, but it could benefit from a smoother transition to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between John and Lori is light-hearted and sets a comedic tone, but John's joke about kicking Rex's ass feels slightly out of place given the context of the party. It may come off as too aggressive for a social gathering, which could undermine the comedic effect.
  • Rex's character is introduced with a humorous and welcoming demeanor, which is a good way to establish his role as a potential antagonist in a light-hearted manner. However, his line about the 'bunny rabbit' could be more impactful if it included a more specific reference to Ted, enhancing the audience's understanding of the ongoing dynamic.
  • The description of the party is vivid and helps to create a sense of opulence, but it could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere—sounds of laughter, the clinking of glasses, or the music from the big band—to immerse the audience further.
  • The interaction between Rex and the women feels a bit rushed. Allowing for a moment of genuine connection or banter could deepen character relationships and provide a more engaging dynamic. This would also help to establish the stakes of the evening more clearly.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising John's line about kicking Rex's ass to something that maintains humor without sounding overly aggressive, perhaps a playful jab instead.
  • Enhance the transition from the previous scene to this one by adding a brief moment of reflection or a line that connects the tension with Donny to the light-heartedness of the party.
  • Add more sensory details to the party scene to create a richer atmosphere, such as describing the sounds of the band or the aroma of the food.
  • Expand the dialogue between Rex and the women to include more playful banter, which could help establish their relationships and the social dynamics at play.
  • Consider giving Rex a more memorable or distinctive line that ties back to the earlier scenes, reinforcing his character's role and the ongoing themes of the story.



Scene 33 -  Tension and Treasures
INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS

Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second
floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought
at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not
like this guy, and definitely does not trust him.

REX
...and that’s a Wade Boggs autographed
bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for
that at auction.

JOHN
Wow, cool.

REX
Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were
worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
(passing an abstract
painting)
This is art. Do you get it?
(passing wall mounted pair of
glasses) )
These were John Lennon’s glasses. Worth
about two million dollars.
(passing photo on wall) )
That’s me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and
check this out.

Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand.

REX (CONT’D)
See that? Know what that is?

JOHN
(touching it)
No.

REX
That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut.

John quickly pulls his hand away.

REX (CONT’D)
Something, isn’t it? Had it freeze-dried
and bronzed.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
71
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT’D)
Every now and then, when I feel like my
life’s gettin’ me down and things are
tough, I just come in here and look at
it, and it reminds me that things aren’t
so bad. That some people have it worse
than me. I mean, he’s only got one ball,
and I have three. One of them, of
course, being his.

JOHN
That’s inspiring. You’ve led a rich
life.

REX
I’ve fucked the shit outta life.
(then)
So talk to me, Goose. How are things
with you and Lori?

JOHN
Things are great, actually.

REX
That’s good, that’s good.

JOHN
You know... Lori would hate me for saying
this, but... she’s told me how you are at
the office, and... as one gentleman to
another, I just wanna say I really hope
you fucking get Lou Gehrig’s disease.

REX
Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta
just clear the air here a little. I...
just want you to know that... I mean,
yeah, I’m kind of a “fun-time boss” and
whatnot, but... look man, I do that with
everybody at the office! I’m just a
kook! I have no designs on your
girlfriend. We work together, and that’s
it. I think you’re a great guy and she’s
very lucky.

John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear
this.

JOHN
Well... that’s good to hear.

REX
Well, that’s how it is, so...there we go.

JOHN
Okay.
(CONTINUED)
72
CONTINUED:

REX
Yeah.

They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong’s
nut. John’s phone rings the “Knight Rider” theme. John
answers it.

JOHN
Hey, Ted.

INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in
the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the
background, we see a party in full swing.

TED (V.O.)
Johnny! You gotta get over here, man!

JOHN
Why? What’s going on?

TED (V.O.)
I’m havin’ a little impromptu thing with
some people, and John... Sam Jones is
here.

JOHN
What?!

TED (V.O.)
Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon. Is
here.

JOHN
Holy shit! How?
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In Rex's house, Rex enthusiastically displays auction items, including a Wade Boggs bat and Joe Louis's boxing gloves, while John remains skeptical and confrontational about Rex's intentions towards Lori. Despite John's disdain for Rex's behavior at work, he finds some relief when Rex reassures him of his platonic feelings for Lori. The scene blends tension with dark humor, highlighted by Rex's bizarre showcase of a freeze-dried item belonging to Lance Armstrong. It concludes with John receiving an exciting invitation from Ted to a party featuring actor Sam Jones.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with clever dialogue and a unique setting that adds humor and intrigue. The interaction between John and Rex is engaging and entertaining, providing insight into their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the interaction between John and Rex in a quirky setting, with a focus on humor and character development.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it provides valuable insight into the characters and their relationships, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and bizarre elements, such as Lance Armstrong's nut, adding a fresh and unexpected twist to the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Rex are well-developed and their interactions are engaging, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it provides insight into John's feelings towards Rex and his relationship with Lori.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his discomfort and distrust towards Rex while maintaining a polite facade. This reflects his deeper need for social acceptance and his fear of confrontation.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to maintain a professional relationship with Rex and gather information about his behavior at the office. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional boundaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, with John's discomfort and distrust towards Rex contrasting with Rex's attempts to reassure him.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with John facing a challenging situation and having to navigate his feelings towards Rex.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on character dynamics and humor than intense conflict or high-risk situations.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but adds depth to the characters and relationships, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations and dark humor, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Rex's carefree, eccentric behavior and John's more reserved and cautious nature. This challenges John's beliefs about professionalism and personal boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the humor and character dynamics rather than deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and revealing, effectively conveying the characters' personalities and advancing the scene's themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, unexpected plot developments, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure of character interaction and dialogue, effectively building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between John and Rex, showcasing John's distrust of Rex through his unenthusiastic responses. However, the humor derived from Rex's bizarre collection could be enhanced by making John's reactions more pronounced, allowing the audience to feel his discomfort more deeply.
  • Rex's character is portrayed as eccentric and somewhat over-the-top, particularly with the revelation about Lance Armstrong's freeze-dried nut. While this adds comedic value, it risks overshadowing the more serious undertones of John's concerns about Rex's intentions with Lori. Balancing the humor with the underlying tension could create a more nuanced dynamic.
  • The dialogue flows well, but there are moments where it feels a bit too expository, particularly when Rex tries to reassure John about his relationship with Lori. This could be streamlined to maintain the scene's pacing and keep the audience engaged without feeling like they're being lectured.
  • The transition to the phone call with Ted is effective, but the setup could be improved by incorporating more visual cues or reactions from John that indicate his growing excitement about meeting Sam Jones. This would help build anticipation and contrast with the earlier tension.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with John's reaction to Ted's news, which is a strong choice. However, it could benefit from a more pronounced emotional shift in John's demeanor, moving from skepticism about Rex to excitement about the possibility of meeting a childhood hero.
Suggestions
  • Enhance John's reactions to Rex's bizarre items to emphasize his discomfort and distrust, possibly through more physical comedy or facial expressions.
  • Consider toning down some of the more outrageous humor from Rex to allow for a better balance between comedy and the serious undertones of John's concerns about Lori.
  • Streamline the dialogue to avoid excessive exposition, focusing instead on natural conversation that reveals character motivations and relationships more organically.
  • Add visual cues or reactions from John during the phone call with Ted to heighten the contrast between his earlier tension and newfound excitement.
  • Emphasize John's emotional shift at the end of the scene to create a stronger connection to the upcoming events and enhance the cliffhanger effect.



Scene 34 -  The Dilemma of Desire
INT. TED’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

TED
Remember I said, my buddy’s cousin is
friends with Sam Jones? My buddy’s in
town with his cousin and who’s with ‘em?
Sam Jones!!


INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

TED (V.O.)
Sam Jones is here, and John...
(softly, into phone)
...his hair is parted down the middle.

JOHN
(equally softly)
Just like in the movie.
(CONTINUED)
73
CONTINUED:

TED
Get over here.

JOHN
Fuck! I can’t... I’m with Lori. I’m
already on probation here.

John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees
Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.

JOHN (CONT’D)
(agonized)
I just... I can’t.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

TED
John. There are moments in a man’s life:
Nathan Hale, “I regret that I have but
one life to give for my country.” Alan
Hale, “Yes, I accept the role of the
Skipper on ‘Gilligan’s Island.’”


INT. REX’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

TED (V.O.)
John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For
god’s sake, come share this with me.

JOHN
(beat, then:)
I’m coming.

John hangs up.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Rex. I gotta go. I’ll be back in thirty
minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out.
She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
If you can cover for me... we’re cool on
all that other stuff.

REX
I got your back, my friend. Been there.
She’ll never know.

JOHN
This is one man to another. I don’t
really know you, but I’m trusting you.
As a man. This is serious. Can I trust
you?


(CONTINUED)
74
CONTINUED:

REX
Dude. One man to another. I got you on
this.

JOHN
(relaxing somewhat)
Okay. Thank you.

John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his
mouth.

REX
(smiling)
I’m gonna make traditional to your
girlfriend. And then fuck her in the
ass. All right. We have a game plan.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a lively party setting, Ted excitedly calls John to inform him that Sam Jones is nearby, urging him to seize the opportunity despite John's commitment to his girlfriend, Lori. Torn between his desire to meet the celebrity and his obligation to stay with Lori, John ultimately decides to leave, asking Rex to cover for him. Rex agrees but makes a crude joke about Lori, adding a humorous twist to the situation. The scene captures John's internal struggle and ends with him racing off to meet Ted, while Rex smirks, hinting at his mischievous intentions.
Strengths
  • Effective balance of humor and tension
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling decision-making process
Weaknesses
  • Potentially offensive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, tension, and character development, providing a compelling and engaging moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a character facing a moral dilemma while balancing personal relationships is well executed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as John makes a crucial decision that will impact his relationships and future events in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of friends trying to convince each other to take a risk, but adds a fresh twist with the inclusion of a celebrity encounter and the moral dilemma faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations, conflicts, and relationships are well-developed, adding complexity and depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John undergoes a significant internal conflict and decision-making process, leading to potential changes in his relationships and future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to break free from his current obligations and responsibilities to seize a rare opportunity for excitement and adventure. This reflects his desire for spontaneity and thrill in his life, as well as his fear of missing out on memorable experiences.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his friend to join him at a party where a celebrity is present. This reflects the immediate challenge of persuading his friend to take a risk and break away from his current situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between John's desire to join Ted and his commitment to Lori creates tension and emotional stakes in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, as the protagonist faces resistance from his friend and must make a difficult choice.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as John must choose between loyalty to his girlfriend and friendship with Ted, potentially impacting his relationships and future events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial decision point for John and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' decisions and reactions are not entirely predictable, adding a sense of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for adventure and spontaneity versus his friend's sense of responsibility and loyalty to his girlfriend. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about living in the moment and taking risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to tension to empathy, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and humor, enhancing the scene's impact and engagement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and suspense through the characters' conflicting motivations and the high-stakes decision-making. The witty dialogue and dynamic interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor, as well as maintaining a sense of urgency and forward momentum in the storytelling.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by contrasting John's excitement about meeting Sam Jones with his obligation to stay with Lori. This internal conflict is relatable and adds depth to John's character, showcasing his struggle between personal desires and relationship responsibilities.
  • The dialogue between Ted and John is humorous and captures their friendship well, particularly with Ted's exaggerated historical references. However, the references could be more relevant to the situation to enhance the comedic effect and keep the audience engaged.
  • Rex's character is established as both a friend and a potential threat to John's relationship with Lori. His inappropriate comment at the end adds a layer of dark humor but may also detract from the seriousness of John's dilemma. This tonal shift could confuse the audience about how to feel about Rex.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, with quick exchanges that maintain a sense of urgency. However, the transition between the two locations (Ted's apartment and Rex's house) could be smoother to avoid disorientation for the audience.
  • The stakes are clearly defined, but the scene could benefit from a stronger visual element to emphasize John's internal conflict. For example, a shot of Lori laughing with her coworkers juxtaposed with John's anxious expression could heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining Ted's historical references to make them more relevant to John's situation, perhaps by using examples that resonate more with John's character arc or the theme of friendship.
  • To maintain the comedic tone while addressing the seriousness of John's situation, consider having Rex make a more subtle or clever joke rather than a crude comment at the end. This would keep the humor intact without undermining the emotional stakes.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more descriptive imagery that highlights John's internal struggle, such as close-ups of his facial expressions or contrasting shots of Lori's happiness against his anxiety.
  • Smooth out the transitions between Ted's apartment and Rex's house by using visual cues or sound bridges that connect the two locations, helping the audience follow the narrative flow more easily.
  • Consider adding a moment where John reflects on his relationship with Lori before making the decision to leave, which could deepen the emotional impact of his choice and make the audience more invested in the outcome.



Scene 35 -  A Race to Meet a Hero
EXT. REX’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The “Football Fight” music from “Flash Gordon” starts
playing, as John bolts O.S.


EXT. REX’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway.
He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides
across the hood of Lori’s car, gets in, quickly starts
the car, and backs out.


EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT

CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on
his way to Ted’s. Finally, he pulls up to Ted’s
apartment.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it
can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix
and Tanya, John’s co-workers from Liberty. There are
also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot
chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer.

TED
Johnny! Thank Christ you made it!

JOHN
(quickly)
I got ten minutes, where’s Flash Gordon?


(CONTINUED)
75
CONTINUED:

TED
Okay, get ready, man.
(to someone O.S.)
Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin’
you about!

John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.
The shot slows down into slo-mo as John’s eyes widen, and
he sees...

OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in
slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting
the same hairstyle he had in the “Flash Gordon” movie.
We hear the theme from “Flash Gordon.” We INTERCUT back
and forth from him to John:

ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe.

ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the
camera, in John’s POV.

ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.

ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John’s
POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.

ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary John rushes through Boston, filled with excitement, to reach Ted's lively party. Upon arrival, he is greeted by Ted, who introduces him to his idol, Sam J. Jones, the actor from 'Flash Gordon.' The scene captures John's starstruck reaction as he sees Sam in slow motion, dressed in his iconic costume, creating a nostalgic and awe-filled moment. The energetic atmosphere is heightened by the presence of friends and co-workers, culminating in John's frozen anticipation as he prepares to meet his childhood hero.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Exciting encounter with Flash Gordon
  • Engaging character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, excitement, and awe, creating a memorable and entertaining moment that advances the plot and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of John encountering Flash Gordon at a party is unique and engaging, adding humor and excitement to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced as John's decision to leave a party with Lori to meet Flash Gordon leads to a series of events that impact the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic 'meeting a celebrity' trope by incorporating elements of humor, nostalgia, and fast-paced action. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to encountering Flash Gordon reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

John's decision to leave a party with Lori to meet Flash Gordon shows a willingness to embrace unexpected opportunities, hinting at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find and meet Flash Gordon, which reflects his desire for excitement, connection to his past, and a sense of adventure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate Flash Gordon at the party, which reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through a crowded event and finding a specific person.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some tension in John's decision to leave a party with Lori to meet Flash Gordon, the scene is more focused on humor and excitement.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the challenge of navigating through a crowded party and finding a specific person adding tension and uncertainty to the protagonist's goal. The audience is unsure of how the encounter with Flash Gordon will play out.

High Stakes: 5

While there is some tension in John's decision to leave a party with Lori, the stakes are relatively low in this scene compared to other moments in the screenplay.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element (Flash Gordon) that impacts the characters and their relationships, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter with Flash Gordon and the protagonist's emotional reaction to meeting a childhood hero. The audience is kept on their toes as they wonder how the interaction will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for nostalgia and excitement, and the reality of the present moment and social interactions at the party. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs about the past and present.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions of awe, excitement, and humor, engaging the audience and enhancing the overall experience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys humor, excitement, and awe, enhancing the scene's tone and impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, humor, and the anticipation of the protagonist meeting Flash Gordon. The lively party atmosphere and dynamic character interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement as the protagonist rushes to the party and encounters Flash Gordon. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character interactions are well-crafted.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a buildup of tension and excitement as the protagonist rushes to the party and encounters Flash Gordon. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures John's excitement and urgency as he rushes to meet Ted and Sam J. Jones, which aligns well with the comedic tone of the screenplay. However, the transition from Rex's house to Ted's apartment could benefit from a smoother narrative flow. The abrupt cut to various shots of John racing through the city feels slightly disjointed and could be enhanced with a brief moment of reflection or internal dialogue to emphasize John's emotional state during the chase.
  • The use of slow motion when John sees Sam J. Jones is a strong visual choice that heightens the moment's significance. However, it may come off as overly dramatic compared to the otherwise light-hearted tone of the film. Balancing the slow-motion effect with more comedic elements could maintain the humor while still conveying John's awe.
  • The dialogue is snappy and captures the characters' personalities well, particularly Ted's enthusiasm. However, John's line 'I got ten minutes, where’s Flash Gordon?' feels a bit rushed and could be expanded to reflect his excitement or anxiety about the time constraint. This would add depth to his character and enhance the comedic timing.
  • The description of the party atmosphere in Ted's apartment is vivid, but it could be more specific in detailing the chaos and energy of the scene. Adding sensory details, such as sounds, smells, or visual chaos, would immerse the audience further into the party environment and enhance the comedic effect.
  • The scene ends on a strong visual note with John frozen in awe, but it could benefit from a punchline or a humorous reaction from Ted or another character to break the tension and keep the comedic momentum going. This would also help transition into the next scene more smoothly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal dialogue for John as he races through the city, reflecting on his excitement or anxiety about meeting Sam Jones. This would provide a smoother transition and deepen his character.
  • Balance the slow-motion effect with comedic elements, perhaps by having Ted or another character make a humorous comment as John stares in awe, maintaining the light-hearted tone.
  • Expand John's line about having ten minutes to include a humorous remark about the situation, which would enhance his character's personality and comedic timing.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to describe the party atmosphere in Ted's apartment, such as loud music, laughter, and the smell of food or drinks, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Add a punchline or humorous reaction from another character at the end of the scene to maintain the comedic momentum and provide a smoother transition into the next scene.



Scene 36 -  Party Like It's the '80s
EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY

Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie.
John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around
Sam’s chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle.
John has a huge, elated smile on his face.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE

ON John - He still stares in awe.

ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a
handshake.

BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by
his side.

TED
John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my
best friend in the whole world, John.

SAM
Hi there. Good to meet you.


(CONTINUED)
76
CONTINUED:

JOHN
(in absolute fucking awe)
I... thank you for saving every one of
us.

SAM
You’re welcome. Hey, let’s do some
shots, huh?

JOHN
With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes.

Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort.

SAM
(raising his glass)
Death to Ming!

John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight.
Everyone then does their shots.

SAM (CONT’D)
Hey, you guys seem pretty cool.
(significantly)
You like to party?

John and Ted don’t answer for a beat. They look at each
other nervously. It’s clear neither one has any
experience with this sort of thing.

SAM (CONT’D)
Aw, come on dudes. Don’t tell me you’ve
never done it before.

JOHN
(a little scared)
Not... recently, no.

SAM
You fellas better come with me.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER

John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John’s eyes
are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of
powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And
Sam is just playing it cool.

TED
Wow.

SAM
Let’s party like the ‘80’s huh?

(CONTINUED)
77
CONTINUED:

TED
(reverential)
Show us how, Flash.

SAM
It’s easy. We just gotta bang a lotta
girls named Stephanie.

JOHN
Holy shit.
(looking around intensely)
All these people need to be talked to.
Genres: ["Comedy","Fantasy"]

Summary In this exuberant scene, John meets his idol, Sam J. Jones, who arrives on a flying Jetski. Sam suggests they celebrate with shots of Southern Comfort, encouraging John and Ted to embrace a carefree party lifestyle. After sharing shots, they head to the bathroom for some substance use, emerging with heightened excitement. The atmosphere is playful and filled with wonder as John and Ted prepare to dive into a wild celebration, reflecting their mix of awe and nervousness.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Humorous interactions
  • Character development
  • Exciting concept
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, with a good balance of humor, excitement, and character development. The introduction of Sam J. Jones adds a unique element to the story and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a party with a celebrity guest from a beloved movie adds depth to the story and opens up new possibilities for character growth and plot twists.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses well in this scene, introducing new elements and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The party scene adds excitement and intrigue to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on partying and social interactions, with unique character dynamics and humorous moments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, showing new sides to their personalities and relationships. The introduction of Sam J. Jones adds a dynamic element to the group dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially John and Ted, show growth and development in this scene as they step out of their comfort zones and embrace new experiences. Meeting Sam J. Jones marks a turning point in their journey.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to feel accepted and cool in front of his new friends. This reflects his deeper need for validation and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to have a good time and party like the '80s. This reflects the immediate circumstances of meeting new people and wanting to fit in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some tension and nervousness in the scene, the conflict is relatively low compared to other scenes in the screenplay. The focus is more on humor and character interactions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming to the point of predictability.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor, excitement, and character interactions rather than high-stakes drama. The emphasis is on fun and adventure.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new character, setting up future plot developments, and deepening the relationships between the main characters. It adds excitement and intrigue to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire to fit in and party, and his friends' lack of experience and nervousness. This challenges his beliefs about social interactions and fun.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of excitement, nostalgia, and humor resonating with the audience. The characters' reactions to meeting Sam J. Jones add depth to their relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and humorous, capturing the characters' reactions to the celebrity guest and setting up future interactions. The banter between John, Ted, and Sam adds depth to their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humorous dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the anticipation of what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and excitement, leading to a climactic moment of decision-making.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic fantasy genre, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures John's awe and excitement upon meeting his childhood hero, Sam J. Jones, which is a strong emotional hook. However, the transition from the fantasy sequence to the reality of Ted's apartment could be smoother. The abrupt shift might confuse viewers, so consider adding a visual or auditory cue to signal the transition more clearly.
  • The dialogue is humorous and captures the playful tone of the characters well, particularly with John's nervousness and Ted's reverence for Sam. However, the line 'Death to Ming!' feels a bit out of place without context for viewers unfamiliar with 'Flash Gordon.' A brief setup or callback to the movie could enhance the humor and connection for all audiences.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the moment where Sam offers shots could benefit from a bit more buildup. Instead of jumping straight into the shots, consider adding a moment of hesitation or a humorous exchange about the implications of partying with a celebrity, which would heighten the tension and excitement.
  • The visual descriptions are engaging, particularly the fantasy sequence with the flying Jetski. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details in the apartment setting. Describing the atmosphere, sounds, and sights of the party could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The character dynamics are well-established, but John's reaction to Sam's invitation to party feels a bit underplayed. Given his earlier awe, a more exaggerated or comedic reaction could enhance the humor and showcase his character's personality more vividly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual or auditory cue to better transition from the fantasy sequence to the reality of Ted's apartment, such as a sound effect or a fade-out/fade-in technique.
  • Provide a brief context or callback to 'Flash Gordon' when Sam exclaims 'Death to Ming!' to ensure all viewers understand the reference and appreciate the humor.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or a humorous exchange before Sam offers the shots to build anticipation and tension, making the moment feel more significant.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the party atmosphere in Ted's apartment, such as music, laughter, or the smell of food, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Enhance John's reaction to Sam's invitation to party by making it more exaggerated or comedic, showcasing his character's personality and adding to the humor of the scene.



Scene 37 -  A Slice of Chaos
INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER

John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across
the table.

TED
Look Johnny, if we’re ever gonna get
serious about openin’ a restaurant we
gotta start plannin’ it now.
JOHN
Italian.

TED
Italian, yes.

JOHN
What’s the special on Tuesdays?

TED
Eggplant parm.
JOHN
Chopped salad half price.

TED
And it’s a non-restricted place.

JOHN
Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean?

TED
Anybody can come.

JOHN
Of course.

TED
Mormons are welcome.


(CONTINUED)
78
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Well yeah--why wouldn’t they be?

TED
Exactly, that’s what I’m saying.

JOHN
But why even bring that up--

TED
You don’t bring it up. You just let ‘em
in.

JOHN
Yeah, but why mention it?

TED
No one will.

JOHN
So why are we talking about it?

TED
You’re talkin’ about it, I’m just sayin’
let ‘em in.

JOHN
Yes, let ‘em in.

TED
Exactly.

JOHN
Right.

TED
Good.

JOHN
Okay.

TED
No Catholics, though.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - SAME

Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on
the couch. He holds a knife.

TED
No see, I can do this.

GUY #1
Shut up.
(CONTINUED)
79
CONTINUED:

TED
My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman
reflexes.

GUY #2
Let him try it, man.

GUY #1
Fuck it, all right.

Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted
starts doing the knife trick from “Aliens”. He gets it
right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through
the hand. The guy screams in pain.

TED
Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I’m
on drugs!


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER

John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head,
doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers
(Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically.

JOHN
(as Ted)
Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea--
let’s go get drunk and puke on cars from
the overpass!

TED
Oh god, that was a fun day.

JOHN
(as Ted)
Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I
just tried this DMT all the kids are
talkin’ about, and I’m in trouble! I
think I got sucked inside my chair!

TED
I do not sound that much like Peter
Griffin.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In Ted's apartment, a serious discussion about opening an Italian restaurant takes a humorous turn as John and Ted debate inclusivity, leading to playful banter. The atmosphere shifts to a lively party where Ted attempts a dangerous knife trick, accidentally injuring a guest. John's impersonation of Ted entertains the crowd, blending moments of absurdity with lightheartedness, ultimately leaving everyone in laughter.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Comedic banter
  • Party antics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining and engaging, filled with witty dialogue and comedic moments that keep the audience entertained. The banter between John and Ted is particularly amusing, and the party antics add a sense of fun and chaos to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the comedic interactions between John and Ted as they plan their restaurant and engage in party shenanigans. The blend of humor, banter, and outrageous moments creates a unique and engaging concept.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't heavily focus on plot progression, it serves as a comedic interlude that showcases the characters' personalities and relationships. The party antics add a layer of chaos and humor to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements like teddy bear biology and a knife trick, adding freshness to the familiar setting of friends gathering in an apartment.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed and their dynamic is central to the scene's success. Their banter, humor, and unique personalities drive the comedic elements of the scene and keep the audience engaged.

Character Changes: 3

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions between John and Ted showcase their bond and dynamic, adding depth to their relationship and personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the conversation with Ted about opening a restaurant and dealing with unexpected situations that arise during the party.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to discuss and plan the details of opening a restaurant with Ted.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, primarily revolving around humorous misunderstandings and party antics. The tension is light-hearted and serves to enhance the comedic tone rather than drive serious conflict.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, such as the knife trick mishap, adds tension and conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on humor and character interactions rather than high-stakes drama. The party antics and restaurant planning serve as light-hearted entertainment.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward in a subtle way by further developing the characters of John and Ted and showcasing their comedic dynamic. It adds depth to their relationship and sets the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the plot, such as the knife trick gone wrong and the humorous impressions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's practical approach to planning a restaurant and Ted's more carefree attitude towards life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily eliciting laughter and amusement from the audience. The comedic elements and character interactions create a sense of joy and entertainment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and reflective of the characters' personalities. The banter between John and Ted is particularly strong, showcasing their comedic chemistry and adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, unexpected events, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and comedic moments that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with dialogue-driven interactions that progress the plot and reveal character dynamics.


Critique
  • The dialogue between John and Ted in the restaurant planning segment is humorous and captures their dynamic well, but it could benefit from more clarity in the purpose of the conversation. The back-and-forth about Mormons and Catholics feels a bit disjointed and could be streamlined to enhance comedic timing and focus.
  • The transition from the serious planning of the restaurant to the party atmosphere is abrupt. While it serves to contrast the seriousness of their discussion with the chaos of the party, a smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the scene. Consider adding a line or action that bridges the two segments more effectively.
  • The knife trick scene is a strong comedic moment, but it risks overshadowing the earlier conversation. The escalation from planning to a dangerous stunt could be better foreshadowed or set up to avoid feeling jarring. Perhaps hint at Ted's reckless nature earlier in the scene to prepare the audience for this behavior.
  • John's impression of Ted is a highlight, showcasing their friendship and humor. However, it could be enhanced by incorporating more specific references to their shared experiences, making the impression feel more personal and relatable to the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene fluctuates, particularly between the planning dialogue and the party antics. Balancing the comedic beats with the more serious moments will help maintain audience engagement and ensure that the humor lands effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue about the restaurant's inclusivity to focus on the punchlines and eliminate any unnecessary repetition. This will help maintain comedic momentum.
  • Introduce a visual cue or a line that indicates the party atmosphere is escalating, such as loud music or laughter, before transitioning to the knife trick. This will create a more cohesive flow between the two parts of the scene.
  • Add a moment where Ted's reckless nature is hinted at before the knife trick, perhaps through a previous comment or action, to set up the audience for the unexpected turn.
  • Incorporate more specific anecdotes or inside jokes in John's impression of Ted to deepen the connection between the characters and make the humor resonate more with the audience.
  • Review the pacing of the scene to ensure that the comedic beats are evenly distributed, allowing for moments of laughter to breathe and resonate with the audience before moving on to the next gag.



Scene 38 -  Karaoke Chaos and Wall Punching
INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on
a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle
and the mouth, and above them the ears.



(CONTINUED)
80
CONTINUED:

TED
See? There. Proof. Garfield’s eyes
look like a pair of tits.

TAMI-LYNN
Okay, you were right.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of “I
Only Want to be with You” by Hootie and the Blowfish.

TED
Okay, Johnny, c’mon up here and do this
with me!

JOHN
No no.

TED
Come on!

JOHN
No, I don’t sing in front of people!

TED
YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT
WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I
LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU’RE
CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I’M SUCH A BABY
‘CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE’S
NOTHING I CAN DO I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A
GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU’VE GOT
NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I’LL ONLY POUT AT
YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON’T DANCE.
YOU WON’T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL
THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE
WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I
ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.


INT. TED’S BEDROOM - LATER

Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall.

TED
See there’s this one part of the wall
that’s really soft, you could punch
through it wicked easy.

Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes
right through.

(CONTINUED)
81
CONTINUED:

SAM/TED/JOHN
Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc.

Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame
through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then,

ASIAN MAN
What the hell you problem!! You break my
wall! You break my wall I break you
wall!

The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted,
and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as
they frantically try to get the knife.

JOHN
AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut
his arm off!!

Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside.
Genres: ["Comedy","Adventure"]

Summary In Ted's apartment, the group engages in humorous antics, starting with Ted drawing Garfield's eyes on a topless girl, which Tami-Lynn finds amusing. Ted then performs karaoke, trying to coax a shy John into joining him. The scene shifts to the bedroom where Sam unexpectedly punches a hole in the wall, leading to an angry confrontation with their Asian neighbor, who threatens them with a knife. The scene is filled with comedic chaos as the group panics in response to the neighbor's fury.
Strengths
  • Strong comedic timing
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Absurd yet relatable situations
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot advancement
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and absurdity while introducing a fun dynamic between the characters. The karaoke and wall-punching antics keep the energy high and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a fun, chaotic party atmosphere with celebrity interactions is executed well, leading to humorous situations that are relatable and entertaining.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly, it provides a fun diversion that deepens character relationships and establishes a comedic tone.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh and humorous take on friendship dynamics and unexpected situations. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ted's playful and carefree attitude shines through, while John's reluctance adds depth to his character. Sam's larger-than-life persona contrasts with the others, creating a dynamic interaction.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily serves to reinforce existing dynamics rather than develop new arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal in this scene is to have fun and bond with his friends. This reflects his desire for companionship and enjoyment in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to entertain his friends and create a fun atmosphere in his apartment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the absurdity of the neighbor's reaction and the chaos of the party, providing a humorous tension that enhances the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and humor, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low, focusing more on humor than serious consequences, which fits the tone of the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 5

The scene serves to maintain the momentum of the story, providing comic relief and character interactions but does not significantly advance the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden conflict with the neighbor and the unexpected outcome of punching through the wall.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between having fun and being responsible. The characters' playful actions lead to a confrontation with the neighbor, highlighting the consequences of their carefree behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

While primarily comedic, the scene evokes a sense of camaraderie among the characters, though it lacks significant emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and captures the characters' personalities well. The banter during karaoke and the reactions to the wall incident add to the humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, lively interactions, and unexpected events that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its comedic effect by allowing for comedic beats and reactions to land effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a comedic screenplay, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and comedic timing, fitting the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic essence of the characters, particularly Ted's outrageous behavior and the absurdity of the situation. However, the humor relies heavily on shock value and may not resonate with all audiences. The drawing of Garfield's eyes on a topless girl, while intended to be funny, could be perceived as inappropriate or offensive, potentially alienating viewers.
  • The karaoke moment is a fun way to showcase Ted's character and his relationship with John. However, John's reluctance to sing feels a bit clichéd and could benefit from a more unique or personal reason for his shyness. This would deepen his character and make the moment more relatable.
  • The transition from karaoke to the wall-punching incident is abrupt and lacks a smooth narrative flow. It would be beneficial to create a stronger connection between these moments, perhaps by having the karaoke performance escalate in energy, leading to the wall-punching as a spontaneous reaction to the excitement.
  • The introduction of the Asian neighbor adds an unexpected twist, but the portrayal could be seen as a stereotype. It's important to handle such characters with care to avoid reinforcing negative clichés. The dialogue could be more nuanced to provide depth to the character rather than relying solely on their reaction to the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial setup with Ted drawing and singing is engaging, but the sudden shift to chaos with the neighbor feels rushed. A more gradual build-up to the climax would enhance the comedic timing and allow the audience to fully appreciate the absurdity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the drawing gag to ensure it aligns with the overall tone of the film while being mindful of audience sensitivities. Perhaps Ted could draw something equally absurd but less controversial.
  • Enhance John's character by providing a more specific backstory or reason for his reluctance to sing. This could be tied to a past experience or a personal quirk that adds depth to his character.
  • Create a smoother transition between the karaoke and the wall-punching moments. Perhaps the karaoke could become increasingly wild, leading to a spontaneous decision to test the wall's strength as a joke.
  • Rework the Asian neighbor's character to avoid stereotypes. Consider giving them a more defined personality or backstory that adds humor without relying on clichés.
  • Focus on pacing by allowing moments to breathe. After the karaoke, let the characters revel in their excitement for a moment before introducing the chaos of the neighbor's reaction, building anticipation for the punchline.



Scene 39 -  Duck, Wall, and Revelations
INT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

There’s an angry pounding on the door. One of the party
guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in
Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a
live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out
into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them,
screaming first in Cantonese, then:

ASIAN MAN
You break my wall! This my home long
time! You break my wall! You bastard
men!

JOHN/TED
Dude, we’re sorry! We’re sorry!

ASIAN MAN
You bastard men! I try to make duck
dinner, now plaster everywhere!

TED
Chill out okay? We’ll pay for it! Let’s
talk this out okay? What’s your name?
I’m John!

ASIAN MAN
(cautiously)
My name Wan Ming.

FLASH
(narrowing eyes)
Ming!
(CONTINUED)
82
CONTINUED:

SAM’S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the
Merciless.

ASIAN MAN
You pay many dollar for wall! This
bullshit! This all bullshit!

SAM
DEATH TO MING!!!

Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both
tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it
over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the
floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams.
ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor.
John struggles to pull him off.

JOHN
Sam, no! Get off him!

ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the
duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS
FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the
other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward,
falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it
in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other.

ASIAN MAN
You crazy! You crazy man!

The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a
few times with its wings.

TED
AAA! AAAA! OW!!

The Asian man calls to the duck from the door.

ASIAN MAN
Come on, James Franco!

The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to
the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms.

ASIAN MAN (CONT’D)
(to John and Sam)
You pay for wall!

He exits, slamming the door.


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - LATER

John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with
another man.
(CONTINUED)
83
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Guy?

GUY
Hey. What’s goin’ on. This is Jared.
He’s the guy who beat me up. We’re in
love.

JOHN
What??

GUY
Yeah. Turns out I’m gay or whatever.
Had no idea. C’mon Jared, let’s get a
drink.

He and Jared walk off.

ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out
and drained. Sam Jones approaches.

SAM
How you doin’ there, ace? You comin’
down?

JOHN
Yeah. Yeah, I don’t feel good.

SAM
Give it a couple hours, you’ll be golden,
Pony Boy. Want a Xanax?

John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked
realization.

JOHN
Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god!

SAM
What?

JOHN
I gotta-- I gotta go! Shit!

John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door.
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary In a chaotic scene at Ted's apartment, Wan Ming confronts the party guests about a damaged wall, wielding a wooden spoon and a live duck named James Franco. Tensions escalate as Sam tackles Wan Ming, leading to a struggle that results in the duck attacking Ted. Wan Ming storms out, demanding compensation for the damage. Meanwhile, John is left in shock as Guy enters with a new boyfriend, revealing his unexpected sexual orientation.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Physical comedy
  • Unexpected twist with the live duck
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delivers humor and chaos, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The unexpected entrance of the Asian man with a live duck adds a unique and comedic twist to the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a misunderstanding with an angry Asian man over a broken wall, involving a live duck, is creative and adds a unique comedic element to the scene. The escalation of chaos and confusion keeps the audience entertained.

Plot: 6

The plot of the scene revolves around a comedic misunderstanding and conflict with the Asian man, adding humor and chaos to the story. While it may not significantly advance the main plot, it provides a memorable and entertaining moment.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its absurd and chaotic humor, as well as the unexpected twist of the protagonist's friend coming out as gay. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react humorously and chaotically to the situation, adding to the comedic tone of the scene. Their interactions and misunderstandings contribute to the overall entertainment value.

Character Changes: 3

There are no significant character changes in the scene, as the focus is on humor and chaos rather than character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the escalating chaos and conflict at the party while trying to maintain control and avoid further trouble. This reflects his desire for peace and resolution in a chaotic situation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to diffuse the situation with the angry Asian man and prevent further damage to the apartment. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected conflict and chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the Asian man over the broken wall and the live duck creates a chaotic and humorous situation. The escalating tensions and misunderstandings contribute to the comedic conflict.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between the party guests and the angry Asian man escalating quickly and leading to physical confrontations. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and chaos rather than high-stakes drama. The primary goal is to entertain and amuse the audience.

Story Forward: 5

The scene may not significantly move the main story forward, but it provides a memorable and entertaining moment within the narrative. It adds comedic value and showcases the characters' reactions to unexpected situations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and twists, such as the Asian man's entrance with a live duck and the protagonist's friend coming out as gay. The audience is kept on their toes by the chaotic and absurd events.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between cultural misunderstandings and communication barriers. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about handling conflicts and understanding different perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene focuses more on humor and chaos rather than emotional depth. While there may be moments of panic and confusion, the primary impact is comedic and light-hearted.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is humorous and frantic, reflecting the chaotic nature of the situation. The characters' interactions and misunderstandings are portrayed through witty and comedic exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, comedic dialogue, and unexpected twists. The chaotic and unpredictable nature of the party keeps the audience entertained and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and humor through fast-paced action and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and entertained.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedic party scene, with escalating chaos and conflict leading to a resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic energy of a party gone wrong, with the introduction of the Asian man and his duck adding a layer of absurdity that fits the overall tone of the screenplay. However, the humor relies heavily on stereotypes, particularly with the portrayal of the Asian man, which could be seen as insensitive. It's important to ensure that humor does not come at the expense of cultural sensitivity.
  • The dialogue is fast-paced and captures the frantic nature of the situation well, but some lines could benefit from more clarity. For instance, the Asian man's dialogue could be streamlined to enhance comprehension while maintaining his character's urgency and frustration.
  • The physical comedy is strong, particularly with the interactions between Sam, John, and the Asian man. However, the action sequences could be more clearly described to help visualize the chaos. For example, detailing how the characters move and react to each other could enhance the comedic timing and impact.
  • The introduction of the duck as a comedic element is clever, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main conflict. It might be beneficial to establish a clearer relationship between the duck and the Asian man earlier in the scene to enhance the absurdity and make the humor feel more cohesive.
  • The transition from the chaotic confrontation to the quieter moment with John and Guy feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's momentum and emotional flow, allowing the audience to digest the previous chaos before moving on to the next character interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the Asian man's dialogue to make it more concise and impactful, ensuring that it conveys his frustration without relying on stereotypes.
  • Enhance the physical action descriptions to better illustrate the chaos of the scene, allowing readers to visualize the frantic energy and comedic timing more effectively.
  • Establish a clearer connection between the duck and the Asian man earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive comedic element.
  • Smooth the transition between the chaotic confrontation and John's interaction with Guy by adding a brief moment of reflection or humor that allows the audience to process the previous events.
  • Explore alternative comedic elements that do not rely on cultural stereotypes, ensuring that the humor is inclusive and resonates with a broader audience.



Scene 40 -  Breaking Ties
INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs
partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees
Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They
stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt,
angry, and betrayed as a woman can be.

(CONTINUED)
84
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Lori... I...

He throws up all over the floor.


EXT. TED’S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs
out after her.

JOHN
Lori! Lori wait!

She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John
catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him
off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m sorry! I messed up! I--

LORI
I want you out of the apartment...
tonight. Gimme my car keys.

JOHN
Can I please just explain--

LORI
No.

JOHN
I was gonna--

LORI
I have given up a big chunk of my life
for you.

JOHN
I was gonna stop in for like five
minutes, and then Flash Gordon--

LORI
Just give me my keys, John!

He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks
toward her car.

JOHN
Lori... please. I love you.

She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.
Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door.


(CONTINUED)
85
CONTINUED:

TED
Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn’s
gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.

JOHN
Fuck you! I don’t want to talk to you!

TED
What?

JOHN
Do you know what just happened? Do you
have any clue? My life just ended.

TED
Oh come on, she’ll go home, watch Bridget
Jones’ Somethin’ Asshole, cry a little
bit, she’ll be fine, you’ll talk to her
tomorrow.

JOHN
(exploding)
Are you even listening to me?! Do you
give any shred of a shit?!

Ted pauses, realizing John is serious.

TED
Well... ‘course I do, Johnny. Thunder
buddies for life.

JOHN
Jesus, Lori was right. I should have
stopped hanging out with you a long time
ago. I’m never gonna have a life with you
around. I’m 35 years old and I’m going
nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy fucking bear. And
because of that, I just lost the love of
my life.

TED
Johnny, I’m... I’m sorry.

JOHN
I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I
can’t see you anymore.

John turns and walks away.

TED
Johnny, wait! Hey, listen!



(CONTINUED)
86
CONTINUED:

Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox
squeak out the words “I wuv you.” John does not turn
around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head
sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated.

DISSOLVE TO:


MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense confrontation in a stairwell, John encounters a hurt and angry Lori, who demands her car keys and decides to leave him, expressing her frustration over their relationship. Despite John's desperate pleas and declarations of love, Lori drives away, leaving him devastated. Ted attempts to comfort John, but John's frustration leads him to sever their friendship, realizing that it has hindered his life. The scene ends with John walking away from a defeated Ted, highlighting the emotional weight of lost love and broken connections.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Intense conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited external context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters, drawing the audience into the intense breakup moment. The dialogue and performances enhance the authenticity of the emotions portrayed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the breakup between John and Lori, exploring themes of regret, betrayal, and personal growth. The emotional depth and character development are central to the concept.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as it marks a turning point in John and Lori's relationship. The breakup sets the stage for future developments and character arcs, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the common theme of relationship struggles, focusing on the personal growth and self-awareness of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Lori are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their emotional vulnerabilities and conflicting desires. The dialogue and interactions between the characters reveal their complexities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Both John and Lori undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, with John realizing the consequences of his actions and Lori asserting her boundaries and self-worth. The breakup marks a transformative moment for both characters.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to express his love and regret to Lori, while also coming to terms with his own shortcomings and mistakes. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to try to salvage his relationship with Lori and prevent her from leaving him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John and Lori reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a dramatic breakup filled with emotional tension and raw honesty. The clash of desires and the revelation of personal truths heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the characters' interactions and decisions, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the breakup between John and Lori has significant consequences for their relationship and future interactions. The emotional intensity and personal revelations raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by shifting the dynamics of John and Lori's relationship, setting the stage for new conflicts and character arcs. The breakup adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and shifts in power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of personal responsibility and self-awareness. John is forced to confront his own actions and their consequences, leading to a clash between his desires and his reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and empathy for the characters. The breakup moment is poignant and resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between John and Lori, capturing their inner struggles and regrets. The conversations feel authentic and impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the high stakes of their interactions, and the relatable themes of love and self-discovery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the characters' decisions and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through well-paced dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, and the writer effectively conveys John's desperation and Lori's hurt. However, the transition from John's vomiting to the confrontation with Lori feels abrupt. It might benefit from a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that emphasizes John's emotional turmoil before he encounters Lori.
  • Lori's dialogue is strong, showcasing her anger and hurt, but it could be enhanced by adding a line that reflects her internal conflict. This would deepen her character and make her decision to leave more impactful.
  • John's character arc is clear, as he realizes the consequences of his actions. However, the dialogue could be more varied to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying 'I was gonna,' he could express his intentions in a different way, which would make the dialogue feel fresher.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, but the emotional beats could be more pronounced. For example, after John vomits, a moment of silence or a close-up shot of Lori's reaction could heighten the tension before they engage in dialogue.
  • Ted's entrance is humorous, but it feels slightly out of place given the gravity of the situation. While comic relief is important, it might be more effective if Ted's humor is toned down or if he shows more concern for John's situation initially.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue after John vomits to emphasize the weight of the situation before Lori and John engage in dialogue.
  • Enhance Lori's character by including a line that reflects her internal conflict about leaving John, which would add depth to her emotional state.
  • Vary John's dialogue to avoid repetition. Instead of saying 'I was gonna,' he could use phrases like 'I just wanted to' or 'I thought I could' to express his intentions more creatively.
  • After John vomits, include a close-up shot of Lori's reaction to heighten the emotional tension before they start talking.
  • Consider toning down Ted's humor initially and having him express more concern for John's situation, which would make his character more relatable in this serious moment.



Scene 41 -  Bittersweet Reflections
EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside.


INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips
through the channels, seeing various clips of shows.
Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet,
and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT

John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball
stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and
“looks the other way” as he taps it in with his foot.
She smiles warmly at him.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET

John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to
the ducks. They’re both leaning over the side with their
hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of
hers. They look at each other, and share a slow,
romantic kiss.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face
wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget
Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is
looking at the screen, but is really looking inward...

DISSOLVE TO:
87


EXT. BEACH - DUSK

ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and
Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses
her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something
O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab.
He dangles it in Lori’s face. She freaks out, and runs
into the water. They both laugh.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to
reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of
candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen
wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a
candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her
mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down,
and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her
head.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. TED’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

SLOW PAN ACROSS TED’S APARTMENT - The party is now over.
Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO
TED’S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping
through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at
a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE
PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the
snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a
soapbox car that they have built and painted.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the
soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet.
John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the
hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering
the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the
ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs
off with him. John sprints after the dog.

DISSOLVE TO:
88


INT. JOHN’S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT

ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, “Simpsons Reaches
5th season!” ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching
TV, laughing hysterically.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, John arrives at the Midtown Hotel, feeling sad and reflective. He reminisces about his joyful relationship with Lori through a montage of happy memories, including playful outings and romantic moments. The scene also touches on John's childhood friendship with Ted, showcasing nostalgic adventures and laughter. The emotional tone is bittersweet, contrasting John's current longing for Lori with the vibrant memories of their past, ultimately leaving a sense of melancholy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Nostalgic moments
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines romance, comedy, and drama, creating a poignant and memorable moment in the story. The emotional depth and character dynamics are well-developed, making it engaging for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reminiscing about past memories while reflecting on current relationships is compelling and adds depth to the characters. It explores themes of love, friendship, and personal growth.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the emotional journey of the characters, emphasizing their relationships and personal connections. While it may not have significant plot twists, the character-driven narrative is engaging.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting romantic relationships, emphasizing the importance of emotional connection and vulnerability. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with John and Lori's relationship showcasing love, humor, and vulnerability. The friendship between John and Ted adds a layer of nostalgia and regret, deepening the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional growth and reflection throughout the scene, particularly in their relationships and personal connections. John and Lori's interactions showcase a shift in their dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to reminisce about his past with Lori and reflect on the happy moments they shared together. This reflects his deeper desire for love, companionship, and emotional connection.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to create a romantic and memorable experience for Lori, as seen through their interactions at the mini-golf course, swan boat ride, and beach. This reflects his immediate challenge of maintaining and deepening his relationship with Lori.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there are emotional conflicts and tensions present in the scene, they are more internal and reflective, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is relatively mild, with the main conflict revolving around internal emotional struggles rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' relationships and internal struggles. While important, they are not high in terms of external conflicts or risks.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene may not significantly move the main plot forward, it deepens the character development and emotional arcs, providing important insights into the relationships and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on romantic relationships and emotional reflection, but the specific character interactions add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition between the fleeting nature of happiness and the enduring power of love. This challenges John's beliefs about the importance of cherishing moments of joy and connection in the face of life's uncertainties.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of love, nostalgia, and regret. The poignant moments between the characters resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions, humor, and dynamics between the characters. It captures the essence of their relationships and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intimate character moments, and nostalgic tone.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and emotional resonance to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively transitioning between different settings and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses a montage format to convey the emotional weight of John's memories with Lori, which is a strong storytelling technique. However, the transitions between the different memories could be more creatively executed to enhance the emotional impact. For instance, instead of simple dissolves, consider using visual motifs or thematic elements that connect the memories more cohesively.
  • While the montage captures the essence of their relationship, it lacks a clear emotional arc. Each memory feels somewhat isolated, and the viewer may not fully grasp the depth of John's feelings for Lori or the reasons for his current sadness. Adding a voiceover or internal monologue could provide insight into John's emotional state, making the montage more poignant.
  • The contrast between the joyful memories and John's current state of sadness is effective, but the scene could benefit from a stronger visual or auditory cue to emphasize this contrast. For example, using a more somber musical score during the montage could heighten the emotional stakes and reinforce John's sense of loss.
  • The pacing of the montage feels a bit rushed, especially in the transitions between memories. Slowing down the pace slightly and allowing for more lingering shots on key moments could give the audience time to absorb the significance of each memory and its impact on John's character.
  • The final image of young John and Ted with the soapbox racer is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if it tied back to John's current situation. Perhaps a brief moment of reflection from John, where he connects the innocence of childhood with his present struggles, could create a more resonant conclusion to the montage.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating a voiceover from John that reflects on his memories with Lori, providing context and emotional depth to the montage.
  • Experiment with different transition techniques, such as fades or wipes, that could visually represent the passage of time and the emotional shifts in John's memories.
  • Use a more somber or nostalgic musical score during the montage to enhance the emotional weight of John's reflections on his relationship with Lori.
  • Allow for longer shots on key moments in the montage to give the audience time to connect with the emotions being portrayed.
  • Tie the final image of the montage back to John's current emotional state by having him reflect on the innocence of childhood and how it contrasts with his present struggles.



Scene 42 -  New Beginnings and Nostalgic Adventures
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The marquee out front reads “Star Wars: The Phantom
Menace.” We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually
getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as
Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly
wait in line.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY


INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME

John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his
mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it
off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a “hang
on, check this out” gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the
stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted
is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and
looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up
to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring
the shit out of them. They run away, crying and
traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - DAY

John and Lori paint the walls of their then new
apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on
each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other
side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He
shakes his head in a “whatever” fashion, and walks toward
the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe
of paint going down his back.


EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and
a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and
goes to light it.
(CONTINUED)
89
CONTINUED:

He then notices something out of the corner of his eye.
He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the
cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk
shuffles through frame after him.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, “Simpsons Reaches
20th season!” ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching
TV, expressionless and bored-looking.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT./ ESTAB. LORI’S OFFICE - DAY


INT. REX’S OFFICE - SAME

Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window.

REX
So, word through the grapevine is you are
newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah
Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I
would love it if you’d go with me.

LORI
You’re asking me out the day after I
broke up with someone.

REX
Look, I’m gonna cut the shit here.

LORI
Okay.

REX
This is the first time you’ve been single
in all the years you’ve worked here.
Just go out with me one time. And if
you’re miserable and you hate it, I
promise I will never even hint at the
subject again. Please.

LORI
Rex, I don’t think it’s smart.

REX
Look, I’m an asshole. I know that. It
worked for me in high school, and it’s
been like a reflex ever since.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
90
CONTINUED:
REX (CONT'D)
(sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is
you have a fun, casual date with a guy
who only wants a chance to prove to you
that he can be something more than a
jerk. Besides, you’re a huge catch and
it’s about time somebody treated you that
way.

LORI
Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to
sleep every night.

REX
Great. Pick you up at seven?
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary The scene unfolds with John and Ted, dressed as Darth Maul and Yoda, excitedly waiting to see 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.' Their day continues at Chuck E. Cheese, where Ted humorously scares children while they enjoy pizza. The focus shifts to John and Lori painting their new apartment, with Ted observing their playful interactions with mild disdain. After a comical encounter with a skunk, the scene transitions to John and Ted watching TV, bored. Meanwhile, in Lori's office, Rex asks her out on a date, and despite her hesitations following a recent breakup, she ultimately agrees, hinting at new possibilities ahead.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and reflection
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Moderate conflict level
  • Some predictable plot developments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with moments of reflection and decision-making, creating a well-rounded and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflecting on past memories while navigating new relationships is engaging and relatable, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions, decisions, and revelations, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on interpersonal relationships and dating dynamics, with quirky character interactions and unexpected situations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities, motivations, and relationships that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience changes in their relationships, decisions, and outlook on the future, setting up potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to enjoy time with his friends and have fun in various activities.

External Goal: 7.5

Lori's external goal is to navigate her newly single status and decide whether to go out with Rex.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from relationship dynamics and personal decisions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and decisions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high, the characters' personal relationships and decisions carry weight and consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, decisions, and relationships that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and dialogue, adding depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of taking chances and moving on from past relationships. Rex challenges Lori's beliefs about dating and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions of nostalgia, humor, and hope, engaging the audience in the characters' journeys.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective, capturing the essence of each character and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, drama, and relatable character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and emotional beats, keeping the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the playful and humorous dynamic between John and Ted, showcasing their friendship through lighthearted activities. However, the transitions between locations (from the movie theater to Chuck E. Cheese to the apartment) feel somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The use of visual gags, such as Ted scaring the children at Chuck E. Cheese, is a strong comedic element that aligns with the overall tone of the screenplay. However, the humor could be further amplified by adding more dialogue or reactions from John that highlight his amusement and disbelief at Ted's antics.
  • The scene introduces a sense of nostalgia with the references to 'Star Wars' and 'Chuck E. Cheese,' which effectively appeals to the audience's sense of childhood wonder. However, the emotional stakes could be raised by incorporating a moment of reflection for John about his current life compared to these carefree moments, adding depth to the humor.
  • The depiction of Ted's character remains consistent with his playful and irreverent nature, but the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional anchor. For instance, a brief moment where John expresses a longing for the simplicity of their past could create a more poignant contrast with the current challenges he faces in his relationship with Lori.
  • The dialogue between Rex and Lori is engaging and sets up potential conflict, but it feels slightly disconnected from the preceding scenes. A stronger connection to John's current emotional state or a callback to his earlier interactions with Lori could create a more cohesive narrative thread.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or internal monologue for John that reflects on how much fun he and Ted are having compared to the complexities of adult life, enhancing the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transitions between locations by incorporating a line or two that connects the scenes, such as John commenting on how much he enjoys these moments with Ted before they move to the next setting.
  • Enhance the comedic impact of Ted's antics at Chuck E. Cheese by including more exaggerated reactions from John or the children, which could amplify the humor and showcase their friendship more vividly.
  • Incorporate a moment where John expresses concern or nostalgia about growing up, perhaps while watching Ted scare the kids, to create a contrast between their carefree past and John's current struggles.
  • Ensure that the dialogue between Rex and Lori ties back to John's emotional journey, perhaps by having Lori mention John in a way that reflects her feelings about their breakup, creating a stronger narrative connection.



Scene 43 -  Rainy Revelations
EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

It’s raining outside.


INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME

John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic
book. There’s a knock at the door.

JOHN
Who is it?

TED
Johnny, it’s me.

JOHN
Go away.

TED
Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna
talk.

John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window
slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing
on the floor, soaked.

JOHN
Jesus--

Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John
flinches back, trying not to get wet.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ!




(CONTINUED)
91
CONTINUED:

TED
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you’re
pissed, but just listen to me for five
seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with
Rex.

JOHN
What?

TED
I’m serious, John, I went over to your
house to talk to Lori to try and take
some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex
picking her up. They were going to the
Hatch Shell.

JOHN
You’re un-fucking-believable, you know
that? How stupid do you think I am?
First of all, Lori would never go out
with Rex, and second of all, if you think
that by making shit like that up you’re
gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty
to you over her--

TED
Johnny, it’s the truth. I’m tellin’ ya--

JOHN
Get outta here.

TED
(beat)
You know, you’re actin’ like a cock, you
know that?

JOHN
What? I’m acting like a cock?
TED
Yes. You are actin’ like a giant, V-
shaped-funny-lookin’-guy-in-a-porno cock.

JOHN
Huh?

TED
‘Member that porno we saw with the guy
with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What
I’m sayin’ is that you’re blamin’ me for
somethin’ you did to yourself.

John glares at him.


(CONTINUED)
92
CONTINUED:

TED (CONT’D)
Lori was right about you. You can’t take
responsibility for anything that goes on
in your life.

JOHN
Oh, and you can?

TED
I don’t have to, I’m a fuckin’ teddy
bear! Y’know somethin’, I didn’t tie you
up and drag you to that party. I wanted
you to come because you’re supposedly my
best friend.

JOHN
Oh, yeah? Is that why you’ve manipulated
me for years to stay eternally eight
years old at the expense of the rest of
my life?

TED
Whoa whoa, it’s not my fault you didn’t
care enough about your relationship.

JOHN
You can’t stand there and tell me you
haven’t always seen Lori as a threat to
our friendship! It works out so much
better for you when you and I are getting
fucked up on the couch at 9 am, doesn’t
it?

TED
Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I,
Emperor Ming here, controllin’ your mind?
That’s your choice, John! And you know,
by blamin’ me, you just make yourself
look like a pussy.

JOHN
(beat)
You know... sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning when I was eight
years old... and I wish I’d just gotten a
Teddy Ruxpin.

TED
(beat)
Say that one more time.

JOHN
Teddy... Rux-fucking-pin.


(CONTINUED)
93
CONTINUED:

Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him,
wrapping his whole body around John’s face and head, like
the facehuggers from “Aliens.” John stumbles around the
room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles
into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door,
shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face.
John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted
flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted
hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John
stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed,
reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible.
John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be
pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him.

JOHN (CONT’D)
AAAAAA!!! Fucking Jesus fucking Christ!
god fucking dammit!!!

Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and
the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat,
each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor).
John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling
him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the
process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in
a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a
number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back
onto the bed. Ted taunts him.

TED
C’mon, motherfucker!

John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted
dodges, and John’s fist goes into the wall above the
headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about
with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again,
and scrambles up John’s head, jumping up and grabbing the
chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted
to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles
backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing
lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall,
and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out
of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord
catches on the fan’s motor. The lamp is ripped from
John’s grasp, it swings around through the air, and
cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down,
whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the
bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach,
clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He
jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the
clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor,
yanks John’s pants partway down, and starts whipping his
bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks
blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face,
and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on.

(CONTINUED)
94
CONTINUED:

The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a
crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV
on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily.
Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over
to him. Both breathe heavily. John’s breathing
deteriorates into sobs.

TED (CONT’D)
(breathing heavily)
Why...why are you crying?

JOHN
My dick is in the TV.

John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and
up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies
down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself.

TED
I’m so sorry, Johnny. I’m so sorry.

JOHN
So am I, man.

TED
I love you.

JOHN
I love you, too.

John hugs Ted, who hugs him back.

TED
Listen... you gotta let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

JOHN
There is no putting things right. She
hates me.

TED
No, John, we can get her back. Look,
remember when you were ten, and you hit
that squirrel with your BB gun, and then
when we saw it fall from the tree we both
starting crying? Remember? And then we
ran up to it and tried to give it CPR?
And it came back to life? John, we could
do that again.

JOHN
Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR. It
died.

(CONTINUED)
95
CONTINUED:

TED
(long beat)
We can get Lori back.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense hotel room, John sulks over Lori's new relationship with Rex, refusing to open the door to Ted. Undeterred, Ted climbs in through the window, soaked and ready to confront John. Their argument escalates into a physical fight, revealing deep-seated frustrations about responsibility and friendship. As they exhaust themselves, the tone shifts from anger to vulnerability, culminating in an emotional exchange where they express love for each other and brainstorm ways to mend John's relationship with Lori.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Excessive physical violence
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, with a good balance of humor, emotion, and conflict. The intense physical fight adds a unique element to the story, and the dialogue is engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the breakdown of John and Ted's friendship through a physical altercation is compelling and adds depth to their characters.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by highlighting the strained relationship between John and Ted, as well as John's internal conflict regarding Lori.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of friendship and betrayal, with the use of unconventional weapons and unexpected twists in the dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Ted are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their complex emotions and the evolution of their friendship. The dialogue and actions reveal their personalities effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Both John and Ted undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, confronting their feelings of betrayal, regret, and love. Their dynamic shifts as they navigate the fallout of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to confront his feelings of betrayal and figure out his true feelings towards Lori and Ted. This reflects his deeper need for honesty and clarity in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to defend himself against Ted's accusations and physical attacks. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his dignity and self-respect.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotional, driving the narrative forward and revealing the underlying tensions between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with both characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that test their friendship and loyalty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters face the potential loss of relationships, the breakdown of friendships, and the need to confront their own mistakes and emotions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and setting the stage for further developments in their relationships and personal growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of responsibility and blame. John and Ted argue about who is responsible for the situation they are in, challenging each other's beliefs about accountability and friendship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and hope as the characters navigate their complex relationships and personal struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, reflecting the emotional turmoil and conflict between John and Ted. It effectively conveys their feelings of betrayal, regret, and love.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, emotional depth, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the conflict, and delivering a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of escalating conflict and resolution, with a well-paced buildup to the climax of the physical fight.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil between John and Ted, showcasing their friendship's complexities. However, the dialogue can feel overly expository at times, particularly when Ted explains the situation with Lori and Rex. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • The physical comedy is well-executed, especially the fight sequence between John and Ted. However, the escalation of their argument into a physical altercation might benefit from clearer motivation. The transition from verbal conflict to physicality could be more gradual to enhance believability.
  • The use of humor in the dialogue is strong, particularly Ted's absurd comparisons and references. However, some jokes, like the 'V-shaped cock' reference, may come off as forced or distracting from the emotional core of the scene. Balancing humor with the gravity of their situation is crucial.
  • The emotional beats towards the end of the scene, where both characters express their love for each other, are touching but could be more impactful if they were built up with more vulnerability earlier in the scene. The transition from anger to reconciliation feels a bit abrupt.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the chaos of the fight and the physical comedy, are engaging. However, the setting could be utilized more effectively to enhance the mood. For instance, the rain outside could symbolize the emotional turmoil inside, creating a stronger thematic connection.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow the characters' emotions to shine through more organically. Show rather than tell where possible.
  • Introduce the physical altercation more gradually, perhaps starting with a more intense verbal exchange that leads to a breaking point, making the fight feel more justified.
  • Evaluate the humor used in the scene. While comedic elements are important, ensure they serve the emotional narrative rather than detract from it. Aim for humor that complements the characters' emotional states.
  • Enhance the emotional build-up before the reconciliation moment. Allow for more vulnerability from both characters earlier in the scene to make their eventual hug feel more earned.
  • Utilize the setting more symbolically. For example, incorporate the rain as a metaphor for their emotional state, perhaps by having John look out the window at the rain during a moment of reflection.



Scene 44 -  Backstage Banter at the Concert
EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT

A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert.
They cheer as she sings “Come Away With Me,” backed by a
large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer
in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to
be having a fantastic time.

REX
God, she’s so brave. YOUR MUSIC IS SO
FUCKING BRAVE!!

Norah finishes the song.

NORAH
Thanks so much! We’re gonna take a short
break, but we’ll be back in a few!

The crowd cheers.


INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER

ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES.
We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and
pours a drink.

TED (O.S.)
Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut!

NORAH
(turning, recognizing)
Teddy!! How you doin’, you fuzzy little
asshole?

She hugs him.

TED
Well, I’m not a hot half-Muslim chick who
sold 37 million records, but I’m hangin’
in there.

NORAH
Well, half-Indian, but thanks.

TED
Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want
you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey
Johnny, come on in!

(CONTINUED)
96
CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little
nervous.

TED (CONT’D)
Norah, this is my friend John.

JOHN
(self-consciously extends
hand)
Hi. Hi, Norah Jones.

NORAH
(shaking his hand)
Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You
ready to bring down the house?

JOHN
Yes ma’am. Thank you for the
opportunity, Ms.-- Ma’am Jones.

TED
Jesus, you look fantastic.

NORAH
Well, you’re probably not used to seeing
me fully clothed.

TED
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at
Belinda Carlisle’s house and we had
awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

NORAH
Actually, you weren’t so bad for a guy
with no penis.

TED
I have written so many letters to Hasbro
about that.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary At the Hatch Shell during a Norah Jones concert, the audience, including Rex and Lori, enjoys her performance. After the song, Norah greets her friend Ted backstage, where they share playful banter and reminisce about the past. Ted introduces his nervous friend John, who awkwardly tries to impress Norah, leading to humorous exchanges that ease the tension. The scene captures a light-hearted atmosphere filled with camaraderie and nostalgia.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Humorous banter
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with clever dialogue and comedic moments that keep the audience engaged and entertained. The banter between the characters is amusing and adds a light-hearted tone to the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing a backstage interaction at a concert with a famous musician like Norah Jones adds an interesting and entertaining element to the story. The scene provides a fun and light-hearted break from the main plot.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and provides a comedic interlude in the story. The interaction between Ted, John, and Norah Jones offers insight into their personalities and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and quirky characters with unconventional dialogue, adding freshness to the familiar concert setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed and showcase their unique personalities through witty dialogue and humorous interactions. Ted is portrayed as a playful and sarcastic character, while John is depicted as nervous but endearing. Norah Jones adds a celebrity element to the scene with her confident and witty demeanor.

Character Changes: 4

There are minimal character changes in the scene, as the focus is more on comedic interactions and light-hearted banter. The characters maintain their established personalities and relationships throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with her friends and enjoy the moment. It reflects her desire for camaraderie and fun.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to entertain the audience and take a break before returning to perform. It reflects the immediate circumstances of the concert setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on comedic interactions and light-hearted banter between the characters. The conflict is minimal, with the main focus on humor and entertainment.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is light and comedic, adding a playful element to the interactions between characters.

High Stakes: 2

The scene has low stakes, focusing more on humor and entertainment than on high-stakes drama or conflict. The interactions between the characters are light-hearted and playful, with minimal tension or suspense.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but adds depth to the characters and provides a comedic break in the story. It offers insight into the relationships between Ted, John, and Norah Jones, enhancing the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected and quirky dialogue between characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's carefree attitude and the societal expectations of her as a performer. This challenges her values of authenticity and humor.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits a light-hearted and amused emotional response from the audience, with moments of humor and witty banter creating an entertaining atmosphere. While not deeply emotional, the scene provides a fun and engaging experience for viewers.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the playful banter between the characters. The lines are well-crafted and deliver comedic moments that entertain the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters and the humorous dialogue that keeps the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed interactions between characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical format for a backstage interaction at a concert, with clear transitions between locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the contrast between the excitement of the concert and the personal stakes for John, who is about to perform. However, the transition from the previous scene's emotional weight to this light-hearted backstage moment feels abrupt. The audience may need a stronger emotional bridge to connect John's turmoil with the comedic interactions that follow.
  • The dialogue between Ted and Norah is humorous and showcases their playful relationship, but it risks overshadowing John's moment of vulnerability. While Ted's comedic nature is a staple of the script, it might be beneficial to balance the humor with John's emotional state to maintain the audience's investment in his character arc.
  • John's nervousness is established, but it could be enhanced by showing more of his internal conflict. Instead of just being self-conscious, consider adding a line or two that reflects his anxiety about performing and his feelings for Lori, which would deepen his character and make the audience root for him more.
  • The humor in Ted's lines is consistent with his character, but some jokes, like the one about 'awkward, fuzzy sex,' may come off as overly crude and could alienate some audience members. Striking a balance between humor and sensitivity is crucial, especially in a scene that follows a significant emotional moment.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed. The quick transitions from the concert to backstage could benefit from a moment of stillness or reflection from John before he enters the dressing room. This would allow the audience to absorb the previous scene's emotional impact before diving into the humor.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where John reflects on his feelings for Lori before entering the backstage area. This could be a visual cue or a line of dialogue that hints at his emotional state, creating a stronger connection to the previous scene.
  • Balance the humor with John's emotional journey by incorporating a line that expresses his anxiety about performing or his desire to win Lori back. This would help maintain the stakes and keep the audience engaged with his character.
  • Evaluate the humor in Ted's dialogue to ensure it aligns with the overall tone of the scene. While humor is essential, consider softening some of the more crude jokes to maintain a broader appeal.
  • Allow for a moment of pause after the concert before transitioning to backstage. This could be a shot of John taking a deep breath or looking out at the crowd, which would help to ground the scene and provide a smoother transition.
  • Ensure that John's introduction to Norah feels more significant by giving him a moment to express his admiration or nervousness. This would enhance the audience's connection to him and make his eventual performance more impactful.



Scene 45 -  Heartbreak on Stage
EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER

The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the
piano.

NORAH
Okay, I’m gonna give my chops a rest here
and invite a friend of mine up to the
stage. He’s gonna sing a song to a very
special lady in the audience who he loves
very much. Let’s give a big hand to John
Bennett!


(CONTINUED)
97
CONTINUED:

The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage.
ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked.

LORI
Oh my god.

John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori.

JOHN
Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins.
Because I love her. This song always
reminds me of the most important night of
my life. The night we met. It’s the
theme song from the movie “Octopussy.”

The band begins playing. “All Time High”. Inexplicably,
Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on.

JOHN (CONT’D)
ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR
AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO
THE THINGS WE’VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT
ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON’T
LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE’RE TWO OF A
KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE

ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we
see that Lori is softening. It’s working...

JOHN (CONT’D)
WE’RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE’LL CHANGE ALL
THAT’S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE /
THAN FALLING IN LOVE

REX
(fake voice, covering his
mouth and looking away)
You suck, get off the stage!
(then, for Lori’s benefit)
Hey, come on guys!

The crowd starts to take the cue.

CROWD
Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! /
We wanna hear Norah! / Come on!

ANGLE ON Ted in the wings.

TED
Ah, god.

JOHN
SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT
BEGIN...
(CONTINUED)
98
CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage,
racing toward John.

CRAZY GUY
You’re an asshole!

John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at
the last second, so the base is sticking out
horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing
himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and
bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops.

NORAH
Jesus.

A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy.

STAGEHAND
Someone call an ambulance!

The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is
only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori
and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the
frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert
security personnel haul him offstage.


EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Rex escorts Lori to his car.

REX
That was insane. Did you see the way
that guy’s body hit the ground? It was
like a rag doll!

LORI
Yeah, I’d rather just not talk about it.

REX
You want to go get a drink after this? I
feel like I could use one after seeing a
guy almost die.

LORI
Nope, I think I’d rather you just take me
home.

REX
One drink, come on.

LORI
Nope, not really feeling up to it.


(CONTINUED)
99
CONTINUED:

REX
Alright, alright, I get it. I don’t
blame you. When you think about it, it
was actually really unfair of him to
embarrass you like that.

LORI
Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed.
Listen, John and I may have our problems
but at least he tried. You know what? I
don’t feel like talking to you about
this.

She walks away.

REX
Where you going?

LORI
Taking a cab. I’m going home.

As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and
releases a fart.

REX
Finally.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Musical"]

Summary Norah invites John Bennett to perform a song for Lori, dedicating 'All Time High' to her, which initially delights the crowd. However, the atmosphere quickly shifts as Rex mocks John, inciting hostility from the audience. Amid the chaos, a crazed fan rushes the stage, colliding with John and causing further disruption. Heartbroken, John watches as Lori leaves with Rex, who tries to persuade her to join him for drinks. Lori declines, asserting her lack of embarrassment over John's actions, and chooses to leave alone, highlighting the unresolved tension between her and John.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and heartbreak
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of humor may overshadow the emotional depth of the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, heartbreak, and musical performance, creating a dynamic and engaging sequence that keeps the audience entertained and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a musical performance to convey emotions and drive the plot forward is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively combines elements of comedy, romance, and music to create a memorable sequence.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around John's emotional declaration of love for Lori, leading to conflict and heartbreak. The events unfold in a chaotic and comedic manner, adding depth to the characters' relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar trope of public declarations of love, adding unexpected elements like the audience's negative reaction and a physical altercation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, enhancing the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are well-developed and contribute to the emotional impact of the events. John's vulnerability, Lori's conflicted feelings, and Rex's derisive behavior add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

John experiences a significant emotional change in the scene, from vulnerability and love to heartbreak and realization. Lori also undergoes a shift in her feelings towards John, reflecting the complexity of their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to express his love for Lori through a public performance. This reflects his desire for connection and validation in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win back Lori's affection through his performance. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving his love and sincerity to her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from John's public declaration of love, leading to a chaotic and emotional confrontation with the audience and the characters involved. The stakes are raised as emotions run high.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience's negative reaction and the physical altercation create obstacles for the protagonist, adding complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene, as John's public declaration of love leads to emotional turmoil and potential consequences for his relationship with Lori. The characters' actions have lasting implications for their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional conflict between the characters, setting the stage for potential resolutions and character growth in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events, such as the audience's negative reaction and the physical altercation. The outcome is uncertain, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between authenticity and performance. John's genuine feelings for Lori clash with the performative nature of his public declaration, leading to a conflict between sincerity and showmanship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as John's heartfelt performance, Lori's conflicted reaction, and Rex's derisive behavior evoke strong feelings of heartbreak, humor, and nostalgia in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. The mix of humor and heartfelt moments enhances the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of emotional intensity, humor, and unexpected twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' conflicts and motivations, creating a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a dramatic moment in a screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional stakes for John as he attempts to win back Lori's affection through a public display of love. However, the transition from the concert atmosphere to John's personal turmoil could be more pronounced to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The use of Norah Jones as a character adds a layer of authenticity and charm to the scene, but her role could be expanded to create a stronger connection between her and John. Perhaps a brief exchange before the performance could establish their friendship more clearly.
  • The crowd's reaction to John's performance feels somewhat predictable. While it serves to create tension, it might benefit from more varied responses to reflect the diverse opinions of the audience, which could add depth to the scene.
  • Rex's character is portrayed as antagonistic, but his motivations could be clearer. Adding a line or two that reveals why he feels the need to undermine John could make him a more compelling character rather than just a one-dimensional foil.
  • The physical comedy of the crazed audience member rushing the stage is a strong moment, but it could be enhanced by building up the tension leading to this moment. Perhaps foreshadowing the audience's hostility earlier in the performance could make this moment feel more earned.
  • The emotional climax of the scene, where John realizes Lori is leaving, is poignant but could be more visually represented. A close-up shot of John's face as he processes the chaos around him would heighten the emotional stakes and draw the audience into his experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of interaction between John and Norah before the performance to establish their rapport and make the audience more invested in John's performance.
  • Introduce a few audience members with contrasting reactions to John's performance to create a more dynamic atmosphere and reflect the mixed feelings of the crowd.
  • Clarify Rex's motivations by including a line that hints at his feelings for Lori or his desire to undermine John, making him a more complex character.
  • Build tension before the crazed audience member rushes the stage by incorporating subtle hints of discontent from the crowd during John's performance.
  • Use close-up shots of John's face during key emotional moments to better convey his internal struggle and heartbreak as he realizes Lori is leaving.



Scene 46 -  A Tense Reunion
EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME

Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off,
still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex.
After a few moments, there’s a knock at the door. Lori
sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her
towel. She looks through the peephole, but there’s no
one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out
into the hall. There’s no one there.

TED (O.S.)
Down here, I swear to god I’m not lookin’
up your towel.

She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there.
He’s blocking his view with one hand.

TED (CONT’D)
Not lookin’ up your towel. Not lookin’
at your funny business.




(CONTINUED)
100
CONTINUED:

LORI
(pulling towel closer to her)
Ted? What’re you doing here? What do
you want?

TED
I need to talk to you.

LORI
Look, if you’re here to fight John’s
battle for hi--

TED
Lori, do me a favor and let me talk
first, and then you can say whatever you
want.

There’s a beat. She reluctantly considers.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY

Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted.

TED
Look, John loves you very much. More
than anything in the world. And he’s
fallin’ to fuckin’ pieces without you.
He knows he screwed up big time, but you
gotta believe me that is wasn’t all his
fault. If you’ll just give him one more
chance to be with you--

She rolls her eyes.

TED (CONT’D)
Listen to me! If you’ll just give him
one more chance... I promise I will leave
and never come back. He’ll be all yours.
Just give him one more chance.

LORI
Ted... that’s a very nice offer, but I
don’t want you to do that. This is about
John and me and our problems. And I
don’t think it can be fixed.

TED
Because of me! Look, you want him to be
a man. And I’m the one who’s keepin’
that from happening. As long as he’s got
his teddy bear, he’s still a boy. And I
care about him as much as you do. But
I’m willing to give up the boy so you can
have the man.
(CONTINUED)
101
CONTINUED:

We can see Lori starting to soften a bit.

TED (CONT’D)
Look, I’m givin’ this the best shot I got
here, Lori. I’m beggin’ you. I’m no
good at this emotional crap, but I gotta
help my best friend. Please. Just talk
to him.

LORI
(sigh)
I’ll talk to him.

TED
Thank you. He’s waitin’ for me down at
Charley’s. So... maybe you could,
y’know... go down instead of me?

LORI
What... now?

TED
Please. You’ll regret it for the rest of
your life if you don’t.

LORI
Alright, alright, I’ll go.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER

Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the
door. Ted is on the couch watching TV.

TED
(flipping on TV)
Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the
Sox?

The door shuts and she’s gone. Ted gets up and walks
into the kitchen. He opens the fridge.

TED (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge.
Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water
filter.

He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of
beer bottles.

TED (CONT’D)
Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.
My god, America is imploding.


(CONTINUED)
102
CONTINUED:

He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into
the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and
watches the game. After a moment, there’s a knock at the
door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up.

TED (CONT’D)
Forget your keys?

He walks to the door, and opens it up.

TED (CONT’D)
You know, your beer suck--

He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy
man from earlier, with his son Robert.

DONNY
Hi, Ted.

TED
Fuck.

Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Lori, feeling unsettled after a recent encounter, is visited by Ted, who urges her to reconsider her relationship with John. Despite her initial reluctance, Lori agrees to talk to John after Ted's heartfelt plea. As Ted explores the apartment, he is unexpectedly confronted by Donny, introducing a new conflict.
Strengths
  • Effective dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, balancing humor and emotion effectively while moving the plot forward and developing the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an intervention to repair a relationship is engaging and relatable, adding depth to the characters and their dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as Ted's intervention sets the stage for potential reconciliation between John and Lori.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic romantic conflict by incorporating humor and friendship dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Ted showing a different side of himself in his attempt to help his friend, adding layers to his personality.

Character Changes: 8

Ted undergoes a significant change in this scene, showing a more vulnerable and caring side of himself in his efforts to help John and Lori.

Internal Goal: 8

Lori's internal goal is to come to terms with her feelings towards John and decide whether to give him another chance. This reflects her deeper need for closure and resolution in her relationship.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal is to convince Lori to talk to John and give him another chance. This reflects the immediate challenge of repairing John and Lori's relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between John and Lori is palpable, adding tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotional stakes that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the future of John and Lori's relationship hangs in the balance, adding urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by addressing the central conflict between John and Lori and setting the stage for potential resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected arrival of Ted and the tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to a friend and personal happiness. Ted believes he is sacrificing his friendship with John for Lori's benefit, challenging Lori's beliefs about relationships and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, regret, and desperation in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, emotional conflict, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dramatic confrontation, with a buildup of tension and emotional resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional tension between Lori and Ted, showcasing Ted's desperation to help John. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while Ted's intentions are clear, adding layers to his motivations could enhance the emotional depth.
  • Lori's initial reluctance to engage with Ted feels authentic, but her transition to agreeing to talk to John happens rather quickly. A more gradual shift in her demeanor could make her eventual decision feel more earned and impactful.
  • The humor in Ted's character shines through, particularly in his observations about Lori's fridge. However, the comedic elements could be better balanced with the emotional stakes of the scene. Consider integrating humor that reflects the tension rather than detracts from it.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, especially in the transition from Lori's reluctance to her agreement to talk to John. Allowing for more pauses or internal conflict could heighten the emotional stakes and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The introduction of Donny at the end serves as a cliffhanger, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition or a more gradual build-up to his appearance could enhance the suspense and maintain the scene's emotional tone.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Lori as she weighs her feelings about John and Ted's influence. This could be shown through her body language or brief flashbacks to happier moments with John.
  • Incorporate more subtext in Ted's dialogue to hint at his own insecurities about being a teddy bear and how that affects his friendship with John. This could add depth to his character and make his plea to Lori more poignant.
  • Balance the humor with the emotional stakes by having Ted make jokes that relate to the situation at hand, rather than general observations. This could help maintain the scene's tension while still allowing for comedic relief.
  • Slow down the pacing by adding moments of silence or hesitation, allowing the audience to feel the weight of Lori's decision. This could be achieved through lingering shots or pauses in dialogue.
  • Consider foreshadowing Donny's appearance earlier in the scene to create a sense of impending danger. This could be done through subtle hints or references to previous encounters, making his arrival feel more integrated into the narrative.



Scene 47 -  A Bittersweet Farewell
EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY’S - LATER DAY

Lori’s car pulls up, and she gets out.


INT. CHARLEY’S - CONTINUOUS

Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks
up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs
and walks over to him.

JOHN
Lori! What-- what are you doing here?

LORI
You can thank Ted.

A beat. John smiles slightly.

LORI (CONT’D)
How are you?

JOHN
Good, good. I’ve, uh... made myself a
nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up
the street. I’d show you around, but
it’s kinda classy. They require an
undershirt and at least one visible cold
sore for all customers.

(CONTINUED)
103
CONTINUED:

LORI
(laughs humorlessly)
Well. Shall I sit?

JOHN
Uh, yeah.

She does. There’s a beat. A busboy brings them each a
water.

JOHN (CONT’D)
So, work’s good? Everything good there?

LORI
Yeah. Work’s fine.

JOHN
How’s Rex?

LORI
There is no Rex.

JOHN
Oh. Good.
(beat)
Well... I guess we can’t make small talk
all day, so I’ll say what I wanna say. I
could sit here and tell you I’m sorry, it
was a huge misunderstanding, and I’m
ready to change. But I don’t think you
wanna hear any of that crap. I’m not
gonna try and get you to take me back.
Why would you? I’ve been a really shitty
boyfriend for the last four years. I
don’t deserve you. I didn’t take our
relationship seriously, even though I
love you more than life itself. All I
want is... just to end on good terms.
Because I owe that to you. I want you to
be happy... and for us to be friends.

LORI
(a little taken aback)
Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that.

JOHN
Well. That’s pretty much it.

He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying
the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits
there for a beat.
104


EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - LATE DAY

Donny’s car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily
shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in
“Silence of the Lambs”). It’s close to one end of the
base of a bridge.


INT. DONNY’S HOUSE - LATE DAY

Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps
Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It’s just as
shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls,
there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings,
photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted’s media
heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in
public that Donny clearly took himself.

TED
Whoa...

DONNY
Yes, as you can see, you’ve been part of
our family for quite some time. Welcome
home.

TED
Heh, you know what’s hilarious, I got
tons of pictures of you guys at my house.
ROBERT
Daddy, is he all mine?

DONNY
He’s all yours, my little winner.
You’ve arrived at a lucky time, Ted.
It’s almost Robert’s play hour.

TED
I’m guessin’ you guys don’t have a PS3.
I’m guessin’ you’re more of a wooden
horse with a wig kinda family.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In a chance encounter at Charley's, Lori meets John, who candidly expresses regret for his past behavior in their relationship. He acknowledges his shortcomings and wishes to part on good terms, leaving Lori surprised yet appreciative of his honesty. After a brief conversation, John pays the check and departs, leaving Lori to reflect on their unresolved feelings and the bittersweet closure of their relationship.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Introduction of new character
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Potential lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of John and Lori's interaction while introducing a new intriguing character, setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of closure and reflection in the scene is well-executed, with John expressing his feelings honestly and seeking a resolution with Lori. The introduction of Donny adds a new dimension to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as John seeks closure with Lori and introduces a potential conflict with Donny. The scene sets up future developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on a common theme of relationship closure, with nuanced character dynamics and realistic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John and Lori are well-developed in this scene, with John showing vulnerability and regret, while Lori displays understanding and acceptance. Donny's character adds intrigue and sets up future conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

John undergoes a significant emotional change in this scene, expressing regret and seeking closure with Lori. Lori also shows understanding and acceptance, hinting at a potential shift in their relationship dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

Lori's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and move on from her past relationship with John. This reflects her deeper need for emotional resolution and growth.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to apologize to Lori and end their relationship on good terms. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal, with John grappling with his past actions and seeking resolution with Lori. The introduction of Donny adds an element of external conflict and mystery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the focus more on emotional resolution and character development. The introduction of Donny hints at potential higher stakes in future events.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving some emotional conflicts between John and Lori while introducing a new character, Donny, who sets up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional honesty and vulnerability displayed by the characters. The resolution of the relationship conflict is not immediately clear.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around forgiveness, self-awareness, and personal growth. John struggles with admitting his faults and seeking forgiveness, while Lori navigates her own feelings of hurt and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact as John expresses his regret and longing for closure with Lori. The interaction between the characters is poignant and heartfelt.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, especially John and Lori. The interaction feels authentic and heartfelt.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, relatable character interactions, and the tension between the characters' conflicting goals. The dialogue keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with pauses and beats that allow the characters' emotions to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The transitions between locations are smooth.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven interaction, with clear character motivations and progression. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of vulnerability and honesty between John and Lori, which is crucial for character development. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and could benefit from more subtext. Instead of John directly stating his feelings and regrets, consider allowing the emotions to surface through more nuanced interactions and reactions.
  • Lori's response to John's admission is a bit understated. While her initial surprise is appropriate, her subsequent reaction could be expanded to reflect a deeper emotional conflict. This would enhance the tension and complexity of their relationship, making the scene more engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene is relatively slow, which can work for a moment of reflection, but it risks losing the audience's attention. Introducing a more dynamic element, such as a brief flashback or a visual cue that reflects their past relationship, could add depth and maintain engagement.
  • The humor in John's dialogue about the hotel and his previous behavior is a nice touch, but it feels slightly forced. Balancing humor with the serious tone of the conversation is essential. Consider using humor more organically, perhaps through physical comedy or situational irony, rather than scripted lines.
  • The transition from this emotional moment to the next scene with Donny feels abrupt. A more gradual shift or a visual cue that connects the two scenes could enhance the flow and maintain the audience's emotional investment.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue. Allow John and Lori to express their feelings through actions and reactions rather than direct statements. This can create a more authentic and relatable exchange.
  • Expand Lori's emotional response to John's admission. Consider adding a moment where she reflects on their past or expresses her own regrets, which would add complexity to her character and the situation.
  • Introduce a dynamic element to the scene, such as a flashback or a visual metaphor that represents their relationship, to enhance engagement and provide context for their current feelings.
  • Refine the humor in John's dialogue to feel more natural. Use situational humor or physical comedy to lighten the mood without detracting from the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • Create a smoother transition to the next scene by incorporating a visual or thematic link between John's emotional moment and the introduction of Donny, ensuring the audience remains connected to the narrative.



Scene 48 -  Hide and Seek with a Twist
INT. ROBERT’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ted is led into Robert’s room. It’s a fairly sparse room
with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with
a wig stands in the corner.

TED
Huh. Wig horse.

Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny
stands in the doorway.
(CONTINUED)
105
CONTINUED:

DONNY
Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert
now. So you will do as he says.

TED
Y’know, you think you’re just gonna get
away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin’
example you’re settin’ for your kid.

DONNY
(leaning in to Ted with
anger)
LANGUAGE!!!

Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back.

DONNY (CONT’D)
When I was a little boy, I saw you on
television. And I thought you were the
most amazing, most wonderful thing I’d
ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father
if I could have a magical teddy bear,
too. And he said no. And I was
heartbroken. I decided that if I ever
had a son, I would never say no to him.

TED
Maybe “no” to a Snickers bar every once
in awhile wouldn’t hurt.

ROBERT
Me and Ted are gonna be best friends,
daddy.

DONNY
Yes. You are. Happy play time.

Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted.

TED
Jesus fucking Christ!

ROBERT
No! Daddy said no bad words!

TED
Yeah well, fuck your dad.

Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It
doesn’t budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just
bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor.

TED (CONT’D)
Shit!

(CONTINUED)
106
CONTINUED:

Robert stands over him.

ROBERT
I said a bad word one time, and daddy
punished me for it.

TED
That’s a great story, I felt like I was
there.

ROBERT
Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to
give you an ouch.

Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of
Ted’s ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear
as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as
loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear.

TED
Okay... okay, kid. You win. We’ll do it
your way. You wanna play a game or
somethin’? It’s play time, let’s play a
game.

ROBERT
Yeah, I wanna play a game!

TED
Good, good, hey, how ‘bout we play a
little game of hide and seek?

ROBERT
I love hide and seek! I’ll hide!

TED
Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to
show good manners, right?

ROBERT
Yes.

TED
Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest
hide first, don’t ya think?

There’s a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then:

ROBERT
Okay, you hide first.

TED
Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count
to a hundred and then try to find me,
okay?
(CONTINUED)
107
CONTINUED:

ROBERT
Do I need to wash my hands before this
game?

TED
You... well-- no, you-- god, that’s a
weird fuckin’ question, no, just start
countin’.

Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting.

ROBERT
One... two... three...

Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the
door.

TED
Okay, no peekin’, now, or you’ll get kid
cancer.

Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns
the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the
hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed
ear, and exits again.
Genres: ["Comedy","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a sparsely decorated room, Ted finds himself at the mercy of Robert, a child who idolizes him as a magical teddy bear. After a humorous exchange, Robert punishes Ted by ripping off his ear for bad language. To avoid further punishment, Ted reluctantly agrees to play hide and seek. As Robert counts, Ted cleverly slides a chair to escape, retrieving his severed ear before making his getaway, highlighting the absurdity of the situation with a mix of dark humor and childlike innocence.
Strengths
  • Dark humor
  • Absurdity
  • Witty dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with dark humor and absurd situations that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a kidnapped teddy bear being forced to play hide and seek with a child is unique and provides a fresh take on comedy.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the absurd game of hide and seek, adding humor and tension to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the power dynamics between adults and children, as well as the consequences of actions. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ted and Robert are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their personalities and adding to the comedic elements.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, we see Ted adapting to the absurd situation and trying to navigate it.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in and protect himself from harm. This reflects his deeper need for survival and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal in this scene is to escape from Robert's room and the control of Donny. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being held against his will.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Ted and Robert adds tension and humor to the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ted facing challenges from both Robert and Donny. The audience is unsure of how Ted will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes in the scene come from the absurdity of the situation and the tension between Ted and Robert.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic between Ted and Robert, adding complexity to their relationship.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue choices made by the characters. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the power dynamics between adults and children, as well as the consequences of actions and words. This challenges Ted's beliefs about authority and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and absurdity rather than emotional impact, but there are moments of tension and surprise.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and adds to the humor of the scene, especially in the interactions between Ted and Robert.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and unpredictability. The dialogue and actions keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for moments of humor to break the tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and a progression of events that build tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Ted's humor and irreverence, which is consistent with his character throughout the screenplay. However, the humor sometimes feels forced, particularly in the exchanges with Robert. The dialogue could benefit from a more natural flow to enhance the comedic timing.
  • The conflict between Ted and Donny is established well, but the stakes could be raised further. Donny's backstory about his childhood admiration for Ted adds depth, but it might be more impactful if it were tied more closely to the current situation, emphasizing the absurdity of the kidnapping.
  • Robert's character is introduced as innocent and playful, but his actions, particularly ripping off Ted's ear, come off as jarring. This could create a tonal dissonance that might alienate the audience. Balancing the humor with the darker elements of the scene is crucial.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from the initial banter to the more intense moment of Robert ripping off Ted's ear could be smoother. Building tension gradually before the climax would enhance the impact of the moment.
  • The visual elements, such as the sparse room and the rocking horse with a wig, are intriguing but could be used more effectively to reflect the characters' emotions. For instance, the rocking horse could symbolize Robert's innocence juxtaposed with the chaos of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue to make it feel more organic. Allow the characters to react more naturally to each other's words, which can enhance the comedic effect.
  • Explore ways to deepen the emotional stakes of the scene. Perhaps include a moment where Ted reflects on his own childhood or the importance of friendship, which could resonate with both Robert and the audience.
  • Reassess Robert's actions to ensure they align with his character's innocence. Instead of ripping off Ted's ear, consider a less violent action that still conveys his desire for control, such as a playful tug or a game that escalates in a humorous way.
  • Work on the pacing by adding beats that build tension before the climax. For example, include a moment where Ted tries to negotiate with Robert before the ear incident, which could heighten the anticipation.
  • Utilize the visual elements to enhance the emotional tone of the scene. Perhaps show Robert's excitement and innocence through his interactions with the toys in the room, contrasting with the darker elements of the narrative.



Scene 49 -  The Great Escape Attempt
INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY

Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front
door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living
room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway,
he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching
The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back
into the hallway before he’s seen, but in the process,
bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick
knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin,
falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the
direction of the hallway.

DONNY
(beat)
Robert? How’s play time?


INT. ROBERT’S ROOM - LATE DAY

Robert’s hands still cover his eyes.

ROBERT
Good, daddy!
108


INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY

DONNY
Ted, are you making friends with Robert?

Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat,
Donny leans forward as if he’s about to get up.

DONNY (CONT’D)
Ted?

ROBERT (O.S.)
Daddy, you’re gonna ruin the game!

DONNY
(chuckling)
Okay.

Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way
down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it’s
just a storage closet. He’s about to shut it, but
notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily
begins stapling his ear back on.


INT. DONNY’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Donny’s hears something, and turns to look. We think
he’s about to get up, but he then settles back in.

ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in.
Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the
hall.


INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY

Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He
jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He
dials John’s number.


EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS

John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat,
Lori’s car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans
over.

LORI
Hey.

JOHN
Hey.


(CONTINUED)
109
CONTINUED:

LORI
Kinda late to be walkin’ home by
yourself.

JOHN
Oh, I’ll be okay. If I get raped, it’ll
be my fault with what I’m wearing.

LORI
Listen, John... there’s something I wanna
say to you, too.

He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to
her. She prepares to speak, but John’s phone rings. He
shuts it off without looking at it.

JOHN
Go ahead.


INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK

Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense yet comedic scene, Ted nervously navigates Donny's house, trying to avoid detection while planning his escape. He accidentally knocks over a ceramic penguin, drawing Donny's attention, but is relieved when Donny remains distracted by Robert, who is engrossed in a game. In a moment of desperation, Ted staples his severed ear back on before seizing a phone in the kitchen to call John, all while battling his anxiety about being discovered.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of tension could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor with emotional depth, creating a compelling and engaging moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring John and Lori's relationship through a tense and emotional conversation is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as John and Lori confront their feelings and address the state of their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique and unexpected actions, such as Ted stapling his ear back on, which adds a fresh and quirky element to the familiar setting of a suburban home.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both John and Lori experience significant emotional growth and reflection in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal is to avoid being caught by Donny while also completing his task, which reflects his fear of being discovered and his desire to succeed in whatever he is attempting.

External Goal: 7

Ted's external goal is to make a phone call to John, which reflects his immediate need to communicate with someone outside of the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the emotional tension between John and Lori.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, but not overwhelming to the point of being insurmountable.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for John and Lori as they confront their feelings and the future of their relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by addressing key relationship dynamics and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue choices made by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between honesty and deception evident in this scene, as Ted is trying to hide his actions from Donny while also trying to communicate with John.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly in the heartfelt conversation between John and Lori.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, quirky character actions, and unexpected plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and plot developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, with a buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Ted navigates the hallway, creating a sense of urgency and danger. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue and actions to maintain suspense.
  • The use of humor, particularly with Ted's sarcastic remarks and the absurdity of stapling his ear back on, is a strong point. However, the humor may detract from the tension if not balanced carefully. Consider emphasizing the stakes more clearly to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue between Donny and Robert adds a layer of complexity to the scene, showcasing the dynamics of their relationship. However, the dialogue could be more concise to enhance clarity and impact. For example, Donny's lines could be trimmed to focus on the immediate threat to Ted.
  • The transition between the different locations (hallway, living room, kitchen) is somewhat abrupt. Adding more descriptive elements or internal thoughts from Ted could help smooth these transitions and provide insight into his emotional state.
  • The visual elements, such as the ceramic penguin and the stapler, are effective in creating a vivid picture of the scene. However, the significance of these objects could be further explored to enhance thematic depth. For instance, the penguin could symbolize Ted's precarious situation, while the stapler represents his desperate attempts to hold himself together.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue for Ted to convey his fear and desperation, which would deepen the audience's connection to his plight.
  • Tighten the dialogue between Donny and Robert to make it more impactful and focused on the immediate tension, reducing any unnecessary exposition.
  • Enhance the pacing by interspersing quick cuts between Ted's actions and Donny's reactions to heighten the suspense and urgency of the scene.
  • Explore the significance of the objects in the scene, such as the ceramic penguin and stapler, to add layers of meaning and enhance the thematic elements of desperation and survival.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger cliffhanger or moment of tension, such as Donny actually getting up to investigate, to propel the narrative forward and keep the audience on edge.



Scene 50 -  Desperate Plea
INT. LORI’S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK

LORI
John, I just want you to know that... I
mean, I hope you don’t think that--

John’s phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It
reads “Unknown caller.” He silences it.

LORI (CONT’D)
I, um... I just feel like we should...
keep talking. Because--

John’s phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it.

JOHN
Whoever this is, it’s not a good time.

INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN:

TED
John! It’s me! Can you hear me?

JOHN
Ted?

Lori sighs, slightly annoyed.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Listen, I gotta call you back.
(CONTINUED)
110
CONTINUED:

TED
No, John! Don’t hang up, I’m in trouble!

JOHN
What do you mean, what kinda trouble?

Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed.

TED
They got me! That freaky guy and his
freaky fat kid!

JOHN
What?

TED
I’m in their house, John! You gotta call
the police, they won’t let me outta here!
They tore my ear off!

JOHN
Wait, slow down! Where are you?

TED
Uh... I’m not sure, it’s uh--

Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps
and looks up. It’s Donny, who slams the phone back down
in its cradle.

DONNY
(dark, brewing rage)
You’re not a very polite guest.

TED
Shit.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Action"]

Summary In Lori's car during dusk, she tries to express her feelings to John, but their conversation is interrupted by repeated phone calls. When John finally answers, it's Ted, who is in a panic, revealing he is being held captive and needs urgent help. Just as Ted begins to explain his dire situation, a threatening man named Donny takes the phone from him, escalating the tension and leaving Ted vulnerable. The scene shifts from an intimate moment to a frantic crisis, ending with Donny's menacing control over the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension and humor
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable resolution
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ted getting into trouble and seeking John's help is engaging and sets up a dynamic sequence of events.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ted's predicament introduces a new conflict and challenges the characters' relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh situation where the protagonist must balance his personal relationships with a sudden crisis involving a friend. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions are authentic and add depth to the scene, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Ted's predicament and John's reaction lead to a shift in their relationship dynamics, showcasing growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his feelings towards Lori while also dealing with the unexpected phone calls from Ted. This reflects his desire for stability and control in his relationships.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to help Ted, who is in trouble and needs assistance. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ted, Donny, and John creates a tense and chaotic atmosphere, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ted's predicament creating a sense of urgency and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of Ted being in trouble and seeking John's help add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and challenging the characters' relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected phone calls and the escalating crisis involving Ted, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of loyalty and friendship. John must decide whether to prioritize his relationship with Lori or his loyalty to his friend Ted.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from tension to humor, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, humor, and the escalating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful plot developments, and relatable character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful, dialogue-driven sequence, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by intercutting between John and Ted, creating a sense of urgency as Ted reveals his predicament. However, the pacing could be improved by allowing for more dramatic pauses, especially after Ted's shocking revelations about his situation.
  • Lori's character feels somewhat sidelined in this scene. While her annoyance is established, her emotional investment in the conversation with John could be deepened. This would enhance the stakes of the moment and provide a clearer contrast to the chaos unfolding with Ted.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth. Ted's panic is evident, but John's responses could reflect more concern or urgency. Adding more emotional weight to John's reactions would heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
  • The introduction of Donny at the end of the scene is effective in escalating the conflict, but it could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene. A subtle hint of Donny's presence or a brief moment of tension before he appears could enhance the surprise and impact of his entrance.
  • The use of 'Unknown caller' as a plot device is a bit clichéd. Finding a more creative way for John to receive Ted's call could add originality to the scene. Perhaps using a specific ringtone that has significance to their friendship could enhance the emotional connection.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Lori expresses her concern for John while he is distracted by the phone call. This could deepen her character and show her investment in their relationship.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from John as he hears Ted's distress. For example, he could grip the steering wheel tighter or glance nervously at Lori, indicating his growing concern.
  • Explore the possibility of having Ted describe his surroundings in more detail, which could create a stronger visual image for the audience and heighten the sense of danger.
  • Add a brief moment of silence or a pause after Ted reveals he has been harmed. This would allow the gravity of the situation to sink in for both John and the audience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more dramatic cliffhanger, such as a sound or action that indicates Donny's threat, leaving the audience eager to see what happens next.



Scene 51 -  Desperate Escape
INT. LORI’S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK

JOHN
(into phone)
Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted!

LORI
What’s the matter, is he all right?

JOHN
I don’t know.

LORI
Where is he?

JOHN
I don’t know, but he’s in trouble.
(CONTINUED)
111
CONTINUED:

LORI
Why? What happened? Can you call him
back?

JOHN
No, it’s blocked-- wait a second.

John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls
out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the
Common. He looks at it, then points out the window.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on
the expressway!


EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lori’s car peels out and races off.


INT. DONNY’S KITCHEN - LATE DAY

Donny stands over Ted.

DONNY
You’ve put us in a pickle here, haven’t
you? We have to go now.

TED
Yeah, good idea.

Ted runs through Donny’s legs, and out into the hall. He
races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps
in front of the door, blocking him.

TED (CONT’D)
Aaaa!

ROBERT
Found you.

Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted
turns and bolts in the other direction back down the
hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into
the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses.


INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS

Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the
table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and
Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them
and back out into the hall.

(CONTINUED)
112
CONTINUED:

He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to
reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a
door.


INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS

Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which
is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling.
He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he
sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and
mutilated teddy bears.

TED
AAAAAA!

Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him.

DONNY
We tried to make do with other teddy
bears. But none of them were you, Ted.

Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to:
Genres: ["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, John frantically tries to reach Ted, who is being pursued by the menacing Donny and his enforcer Robert. As John instructs Lori to drive quickly to help, Ted finds himself cornered in Donny's kitchen and makes a desperate escape to the basement. There, he is horrified to discover a collection of mutilated teddy bears, remnants of Donny's failed attempts to replace him. The scene culminates in a chilling confrontation as Ted stands frozen in shock, facing the imminent threat from Donny and Robert.
Strengths
  • Blend of tension and humor
  • Effective pacing
  • Engaging character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ted being held captive by a man and his son adds an intriguing layer to the scene, creating a unique and engaging situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of Ted trying to escape from captivity drives the scene forward and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'rescue mission' trope, adding unexpected twists and turns to keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ted, Donny, and Robert are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ted undergoes a change from a carefree teddy bear to a desperate captive, showcasing his vulnerability and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find and save Ted, reflecting his sense of responsibility and loyalty towards his friend. This goal also reveals his caring nature and willingness to take risks for those he cares about.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to locate Ted and ensure his safety, facing obstacles and challenges along the way. This goal drives the action and suspense of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ted and Donny/Rober creates a high level of tension and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' resolve and push them to their limits. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ted faces the threat of being held captive by dangerous individuals, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by putting Ted in a perilous situation and setting up potential resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and obstacles the characters face, keeping the audience guessing and on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of friendship and loyalty versus self-preservation. The characters must decide whether to prioritize their own safety or risk everything to help a friend in need.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from anxiety to humor, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and humor of the scene, enhancing the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and suspense through well-paced action and dialogue. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing John's frantic search for Ted with Ted's desperate situation. This parallel structure heightens the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is concise and serves to convey urgency, particularly in John's interactions with Lori. However, it could benefit from more emotional depth to enhance the stakes of Ted's predicament.
  • The transition from the car to Donny's kitchen is smooth, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels rushed at times, especially during the chase sequence, which could be more drawn out to build suspense.
  • Ted's characterization shines through his quick wit and humor, even in dire circumstances. However, the scene could explore his emotional state more deeply, allowing the audience to connect with his fear and desperation.
  • The visual elements, such as the description of the basement filled with mutilated teddy bears, are striking and effectively convey the horror of Ted's situation. However, the buildup to this reveal could be more gradual to enhance the shock value.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for John before he rushes to help Ted, allowing the audience to see his emotional investment in their friendship.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during the chase scene to immerse the audience in the action, such as sounds of footsteps, Ted's heavy breathing, or the creaking of the house.
  • Expand on Ted's internal thoughts as he navigates the house. This could provide insight into his fear and determination, making his character more relatable.
  • Introduce a moment of levity or humor from Ted during the chase to maintain his character's essence while still acknowledging the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider slowing down the pacing during the chase to allow for more suspenseful moments, such as close calls or near captures, before Ted discovers the basement.



Scene 52 -  Race Against Time: The Rescue of Ted
EXT. STREET - DUSK

John and Lori race through the streets of Boston.


INT. LORI’S CAR - DUSK

JOHN
It’s this creepy fucked-up guy who wants
Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. They
got him somehow.

LORI
Which way?

JOHN
Shoot up 99!


EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

The car makes a hard left.


INT. LORI’S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone.



(CONTINUED)
113
CONTINUED:

JOHN
(into phone)
Hello, 911? I need the police right
away! This guy took my teddy bear!
(beat)
...Hello?


EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

Lori’s car speeds away.


EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches
the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get
free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny
opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny
slams the door. He gets into the car.

DONNY
Robert, seat belt.

Robert buckles up.

EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny pulls away down the alley.

INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted scrambles to his feet.


INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

John looks around frantically, then spots something out
of the passenger’s side window.

JOHN’S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny’s
car heading out of the alleyway.

JOHN
(to Lori)
Whoa whoa, stop stop stop!

The car slows down, and John sees Donny’s car make the
turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back.
114
Genres: ["Comedy","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a tense and urgent scene set in Boston, John and Lori race through the streets in pursuit of Donny, who has kidnapped John's beloved teddy bear, Ted. As John frantically attempts to call 911 for help, they spot Donny's car after he and his son Robert leave a house with a moving sack containing Ted. The scene captures the desperation and determination of John and Lori as they close in on their target, ending with John urging Lori to stop the car, signaling they are close to rescuing Ted.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of genres
  • High emotional impact
  • Engaging plot progression
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible cliches in the rescue mission trope

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a rescue mission to save Ted adds urgency and high stakes to the scene, driving the plot forward and deepening the emotional conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and propels the story forward, setting up a crucial moment in the characters' relationships and motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation of a teddy bear being in danger, adding a fresh twist to the typical rescue mission scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and dialogue are consistent with their personalities, showcasing their determination, concern, and emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly in their relationships and motivations, setting up potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal is to protect Ted, his beloved teddy bear, and ensure his safety. This reflects John's deeper need for comfort, security, and companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to rescue Ted from the creepy individual who wants him for his son. This reflects the immediate challenge and danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the action forward, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous threat and uncertain outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Ted's safety and the characters' relationships on the line, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a crucial conflict, deepening character relationships, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the rescue mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the value of innocence and protection against the threat of danger and harm. This challenges John's beliefs in the importance of loyalty and companionship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, especially in the moments of heartbreak, determination, and sacrifice, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the urgency of the situation, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful tone, and high stakes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear transitions and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as John and Lori race to rescue Ted, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. John's lines feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more urgency or emotional weight to convey his desperation.
  • The transition between the car scenes and the action at Donny's house is clear, but the pacing could be improved. The cuts between John and Lori's frantic search and the calmness of Donny's actions create a jarring contrast that might disrupt the flow. Consider using more overlapping dialogue or action to maintain tension.
  • The visual descriptions are straightforward, but they could be enhanced with more sensory details. For example, describing the sounds of the city, the feeling of the car speeding, or the expressions on John and Lori's faces could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The stakes are established with Ted's predicament, but the emotional connection could be deepened. Adding a moment where John reflects on what Ted means to him or a brief flashback could heighten the urgency of the rescue.
  • The dialogue from Donny is menacing, but it could be more impactful if it were interspersed with Ted's reactions. This would create a more immediate sense of danger and allow the audience to feel Ted's fear more acutely.
Suggestions
  • Revise John's dialogue to include more emotional depth, perhaps by expressing his fear of losing Ted or recalling a cherished memory with him.
  • Consider adding a moment where John and Lori share a glance or a brief exchange that highlights their concern for Ted, reinforcing their bond and the stakes of the situation.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the city, the feeling of the car's speed, or the tension in the air as they approach Donny's house.
  • Include a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that reminds the audience of Ted's significance to John, which would elevate the emotional stakes of the rescue.
  • Make Donny's dialogue more chilling by including Ted's reactions to his words, creating a parallel tension between the rescue attempt and Ted's captivity.



Scene 53 -  High-Speed Escape
INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

TED
Johnny!

Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his side-
view mirror, just in time to see Lori’s car swing a U-
turn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up
the street. Lori’s car speeds up in pursuit.


EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT

We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way
through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and
pedestrians.


INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny’s car races through the tunnel. Lori’s car
pursues.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a
crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and
takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not
break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat
belt.


INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

JOHN
Come on, we’re losing him!

Lori speeds up.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does
not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles
back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to
pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to
wriggle free.


INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The chase continues.
115


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the
window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar,
and climbs up onto the edge of the window.


INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They see Ted in the window.

JOHN
Get closer!

LORI
I’m trying!


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the
window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of
the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see
that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar.

TED
(holding head in pain)
Aaaaa! Shit!!


INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs
back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one
of his legs.

ROBERT
No! You’re being bad!

Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and
brandishes it threateningly at Robert.

TED
Back off, Susan Boyle.

Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear
of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He
tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori
speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump.
116
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night chase through the streets of Boston, Ted attempts to escape from Donny's car as Lori and John pursue them. After a failed attempt to break the rear window with a crowbar, Ted climbs onto the edge of the car, threatening Robert. Despite being struck back into the car, Ted remains determined to jump, escalating the chaos as Lori speeds up to close the gap.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed, with a strong focus on action and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dramatic car chase involving a character in peril is engaging and well-executed, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly as Ted's attempt to escape drives the action forward, leading to a crucial moment in the narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene features a familiar car chase scenario but adds unique elements such as the use of a crowbar as a weapon and the tension between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' actions.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the focus is more on the action and suspense of the chase, Ted's determination to escape and Donny and Robert's menacing presence add depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, Ted's determination and resourcefulness are highlighted as he fights to break free.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the pursuers and protect himself and his companions. This reflects his fear of being caught or harmed, as well as his desire for survival.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the pursuing car and successfully make the jump to safety. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of the car chase and the physical danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and palpable, with Ted fighting for his life against Donny and Robert, creating a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical danger and internal conflicts that add complexity to the chase sequence.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ted faces imminent danger and must escape from his captors, adding a sense of urgency and risk to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by placing Ted in a life-threatening situation and setting the stage for the resolution of his captivity.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the twists in the chase sequence.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Ted's determination to escape and protect himself and Robert's fear and hesitation. This challenges Ted's belief in taking risks and being bold in the face of danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience as they root for Ted to escape, creating an emotional connection to his plight.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal in this scene, primarily serving to heighten the tension and urgency of the chase rather than focusing on character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and character development that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes action sequence, with clear pacing and escalation of tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the high-speed chase, utilizing quick cuts and a sense of urgency that keeps the audience engaged. However, the pacing could benefit from a more varied rhythm; while quick cuts are effective, incorporating longer shots at key moments could heighten the emotional stakes and allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a tense chase scene, but it might be beneficial to include brief exchanges that reveal the characters' emotions or thoughts during the chase. For instance, a line from Ted expressing his fear or determination could add depth to his character in this moment.
  • The physicality of Ted's struggle to escape is well depicted, but the mechanics of how he manages to grab the crowbar and swing it could be clearer. A more detailed description of his movements could enhance the visual clarity and make the action feel more believable.
  • The use of humor, particularly Ted's quip about Robert, adds a nice touch to the tension, but it might be more impactful if it were used sparingly. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the situation can maintain the stakes without undermining the tension.
  • The scene transitions between different locations (inside the car, the tunnel, etc.) effectively, but the visual descriptions could be more vivid. Adding sensory details, such as the sounds of the cars, the rush of wind, or the feeling of speed, would immerse the audience further into the action.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or a brief exchange between John and Lori in the car that highlights their emotional stakes in the chase, enhancing the audience's connection to their characters.
  • Clarify the action sequences by providing more detailed descriptions of Ted's movements and the physical dynamics between him and Robert. This will help the audience visualize the struggle more clearly.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the sounds of the chase, the feeling of the wind, or the tension in the air, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Use humor strategically; perhaps save Ted's quip for a moment of relief after a particularly tense moment, allowing the audience to breathe before the action escalates again.
  • Experiment with pacing by alternating between quick cuts and longer shots to create a rhythm that builds tension while allowing the audience to absorb key moments in the chase.



Scene 54 -  Tunnel Takedown
INT. LORI’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

JOHN
Easy...

LORI
I know.

JOHN
Easy--

LORI
I know!


INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Lori’s car moves closer to Donny’s. There’s a tense
moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted
makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori’s car, and
slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid
falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori
breathe energetic sighs of relief.

TED
Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?

John and Lori laugh.

JOHN
Yes! Fuckin’ A right!


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny sees what’s happening in his side mirror. He puts
his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it
drastically reduces speed. John’s car slams into Donny’s
causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of
Donny’s car, past Robert (who is still in the way back)
and tumbling into the back seat.

TED
God dammit!

Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny
captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at
Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack.

ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from
behind, and throws the sack over Donny’s head, bracing
himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells
in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off.
117


INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny’s car scrapes against the side of the tunnel,
sending sparks flying.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the
floor on the passengers’ side. Donny rips the sack off
his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window.
He’s approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is
opposing traffic moving in the other direction.
Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense nighttime tunnel, Lori and John face off against the aggressive Donny as Ted makes a daring leap onto their car. The situation escalates when Donny slams on the brakes, causing a collision that sends Ted into Donny's vehicle. A chaotic struggle ensues, with Ted attempting to subdue Donny while the car careens dangerously against the tunnel walls, culminating in Donny's realization of impending oncoming traffic.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled action sequences
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development through actions
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slight predictability in the outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of tension, humor, and action. The stakes are high, and the pacing keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed car chase with a daring escape adds excitement and suspense to the overall story. The scene effectively showcases the characters' resourcefulness and determination.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as the characters face a life-threatening situation and must work together to overcome it. The stakes are raised, leading to a pivotal moment in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene features a unique car chase sequence in a tunnel, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' personalities shine through in their actions and dialogue, adding depth to the scene. John, Lori, and Ted each play a crucial role in the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a change in their dynamic as they work together to overcome a life-threatening situation. Their actions and decisions reflect their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Ted and navigate the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects John's deeper need to prove himself and protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Donny and his car. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to outsmart their opponent.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing physical danger and emotional turmoil. The high stakes drive the action forward and keep the audience invested.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Donny presenting a significant challenge to the protagonist's goals and forcing them to think quickly and adapt to the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters face a life-threatening situation and must make split-second decisions to survive. The outcome has significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict, raising the stakes, and deepening the relationships between the characters. It sets the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the car chase sequence, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of loyalty and betrayal. John and Ted are loyal to each other, while Donny represents betrayal and antagonism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to relief and humor. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' well-being and the outcome of the situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reflects the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds to the tension and humor of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high-stakes situation that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout the car chase sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action-packed car chase scene, with clear descriptions and transitions between locations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes action sequence, with clear pacing and escalation of tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the high-speed chase and the stakes involved in Ted's escape. The use of quick cuts between the cars and the characters' reactions enhances the urgency of the moment.
  • The dialogue between John and Lori is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying their focus and determination. However, it could benefit from a bit more emotional depth or banter to further develop their relationship during this intense moment.
  • Ted's jump onto Lori's car is a visually exciting moment, and his quip about T.J. Hooker adds a humorous touch that contrasts well with the tension. However, the transition from the jump to the collision could be smoother to maintain the flow of action.
  • The physical comedy of Ted's antics is well-executed, but the stakes could be heightened further by emphasizing the danger of the situation. For instance, showing more of Donny's reaction to Ted's presence could amplify the threat he poses.
  • The scene ends with Donny's car approaching opposing traffic, which is a strong cliffhanger. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of realization or panic from Donny to heighten the tension before the scene transitions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue between John and Lori that reflect their emotional state or relationship dynamics during the chase, which could deepen the audience's investment in their characters.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more descriptive language about the environment, such as the sounds of the chase, the feel of the car's speed, or the chaos of the tunnel, to immerse the audience further.
  • Make the transition from Ted's jump to the collision more fluid by using a visual cue or a sound effect that connects the two actions, ensuring the audience remains engaged throughout the sequence.
  • Increase the stakes by showing Donny's growing frustration or anger as Ted disrupts his plans, which could create a more palpable sense of danger for both Ted and the pursuing car.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional beat, perhaps a moment of shared relief or concern between John and Lori after the collision, to provide a brief pause before the next action unfolds.



Scene 55 -  Chaos on the Streets of Boston
EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding
clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori
come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives
through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks.

LORI
Shit!

She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the
truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they
continue on into the city.


EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny’s car races through the streets, pursued by John
and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways
behind.


INT. DONNY’S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted is still on the floor on the passenger’s seat side.
He looks around, and spots a “Club” underneath the seat.
He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted
grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing
at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap
Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few
of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted
away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger’s seat. Then,
with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in
front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering
wheel with a snap! Donny’s eyes widen as Ted scrambles
into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but
can’t.
118


EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Donny’s car swerves out of control, veering up the
street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it
impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop.
Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the
back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of
glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles
for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit.
TED’S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly.
That little rip has done something... He shakes it off,
and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles
out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase
Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door
slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and
disappears inside.

ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind
Donny’s car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny
and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the
sidewalk after them.


INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an
escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a
ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red
metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs
on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his
larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him
down a bit.

ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through
the garage door, and running inside. They look around
for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them
(Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK
ON JOHN.

ROBERT (O.S.)
NO!!

John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at
them!

ROBERT (CONT’D)
You can’t have my teddy bear!!

When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one
punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look
down at him.

LORI
Oh my god.

(CONTINUED)
119
CONTINUED:

JOHN
Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on
that kid.
(then)
Come on!

John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert
behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around,
but it’s unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John
continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori
just behind him.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense and chaotic night scene in Boston, Donny drives recklessly while being pursued by John and Lori, who are delayed by a truck. Inside the car, Ted fights back against Donny, attacking him with a club and ultimately causing a crash into a lamppost. After the crash, Ted escapes through the back window, leading Donny and Robert to chase him into a garage. John and Lori arrive just in time to see Robert get knocked out by John as they continue their pursuit of Ted and Donny.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, tension, and humor. It keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape and high-speed chase is engaging and well-executed, adding excitement and tension to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with the characters facing high stakes and making crucial decisions that impact the story's direction.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique weapon, the 'Club', and features a high-speed car chase through city streets, adding fresh elements to the familiar chase scene trope. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and emotions are well-portrayed, showcasing their determination, fear, and relief in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some development, particularly in their actions and decisions under pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal is to escape from Donny and Robert, reflecting his fear of being caught and his desire for freedom.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by Donny and Robert, reflecting the immediate challenge of the chase and the danger he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the action forward, creating suspense and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical obstacles, conflicts between loyalty and survival, and uncertain outcomes that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters risking their lives to save their friend and confront their enemies.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the twists in the chase, and the uncertain outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between loyalty and self-preservation. Robert's protective instincts towards Ted conflict with John and Lori's need to survive and escape.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of fear, relief, and determination that resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dramatic conflict that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with rapid action and suspenseful moments that drive the momentum of the chase.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes chase sequence, with escalating action and tension leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains a high level of tension and urgency, which is crucial given the stakes involved in Ted's kidnapping. The pacing is brisk, and the action sequences are well-structured, keeping the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is functional but could benefit from more character-specific lines that reveal personality traits or emotional states. For instance, John's reaction to the chaos could be more expressive, showcasing his desperation and determination to save Ted.
  • The physical comedy involving Ted is a highlight, but it sometimes overshadows the emotional weight of the situation. Balancing humor with the gravity of Ted's predicament could enhance the scene's impact.
  • The transition between the car chase and the underground area is somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the narrative and keep the audience grounded in the action.
  • The introduction of Robert as a physical threat is effective, but his motivations could be clearer. Why is he so protective of Ted? Adding a line or two to establish his emotional connection to Ted could deepen the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where John expresses his fear or frustration more explicitly, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a brief internal monologue, to heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the city, the feel of the car's vibrations, or the smell of gasoline, to immerse the audience further in the scene.
  • Explore the dynamics between John, Lori, and Robert more. Perhaps Lori could have a line that shows her concern for John or a moment where she tries to reason with Robert, adding depth to their interactions.
  • To improve the transition to the underground area, consider adding a brief moment where the characters pause to assess their surroundings before diving into the chase, allowing the audience to catch their breath.
  • Enhance Robert's character by giving him a line that reflects his attachment to Ted, making his actions more relatable and adding complexity to the conflict.



Scene 56 -  Descent into Danger
INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.
Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves
past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs.


EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera
PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of
FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one
lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from
the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints
past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He
has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted
scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto
the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED’S POV, it’s
a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can’t
quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat,
then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted.
Ted climbs farther up the tower.


INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori emerge and continue to look around
frantically. They run up the walkway.


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Donny pursues Ted up the tower.


EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and
run down the aisle, looking around with desperation.



(CONTINUED)
120
CONTINUED:

LORI
(spotting the action on the
tower)
Look!

John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant
lighting tower.

JOHN
Oh Jesus...
(then)
Stay here.

LORI
Wait, John! What are you--

JOHN
STAY THERE!!

He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the
concession area.


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls
back down. He’s about to pulls himself up again, when
Donny grabs one of his legs.


EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move.


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny’s grasp, but he
can’t. CLOSE UP ON TED’S SIDE - The small rip from
earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED’S FACE -
His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with
fear. TED’S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows
this is not good...


EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS

John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and
sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs.
121


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself
free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we
see his vision swimming even more.


EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

John runs up the stairwell.


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up,
but he’s visibly weakened and his hands are slipping.


EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

John continues up the stairwell.


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his
depleted strength to pull himself farther up.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense chase through Fenway Park, Ted is pursued by Donny, leading to a harrowing struggle on a lighting tower. As Ted fights to escape Donny's grasp, he faces moments of panic and physical peril. Meanwhile, John and Lori search for Ted, with John rushing back to help upon spotting the dangerous confrontation. The scene culminates in Ted breaking free and climbing higher, leaving the outcome uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional impact on characters
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a high level of tension, suspense, and emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chase and struggle on a lighting tower is unique and engaging, adding excitement and suspense to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The scene advances the plot by escalating the conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, leading to a pivotal moment in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting in a sports stadium, adds a fresh approach to a chase scene, and features authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene are consistent with their established traits, showcasing their determination and bravery.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a change in their actions and decisions as they face the danger, showing growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ted's internal goal is to escape from Donny and avoid being caught. This reflects his fear of being captured and his desire for freedom.

External Goal: 9

Ted's external goal is to physically outrun Donny and find a way to escape. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the chase.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, driving the action forward and keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Donny posing a significant threat to Ted's escape, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters are in a life-threatening situation, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving a crucial conflict and setting up new challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the chase, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between freedom and captivity. Ted's desire to escape represents the value of freedom, while Donny's pursuit represents the threat of captivity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, desperation, and determination in the characters, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dramatic tension that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of fast action sequences and slower moments of tension that build suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a high-stakes chase scene, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action sequences and transitions between different locations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the chase between Ted and Donny, utilizing the setting of Fenway Park to create a sense of urgency and danger. However, the pacing could be improved by varying the rhythm of the action; some moments feel rushed, particularly when Ted climbs the lighting tower. Slowing down the action during key moments could heighten the suspense and allow the audience to fully absorb the stakes.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works for the tension of the scene, but it might benefit from some internal monologue or thoughts from Ted as he faces danger. This could provide insight into his character and make the audience more emotionally invested in his plight.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the use of POV shots to convey Ted's fear and the height of the lighting tower. However, the transitions between locations (from the walkway to the lighting tower) could be smoother. Consider adding more descriptive elements to bridge these transitions, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • The stakes are clear, but the emotional weight could be amplified. Ted's fear is evident, but exploring his thoughts or memories in a moment of peril could deepen the audience's connection to him. This could be achieved through brief flashbacks or internal dialogue that highlights what Ted stands to lose.
  • The scene's climax, where Ted struggles against Donny, is compelling, but the physicality of the struggle could be described in more detail. Adding sensory details—like the sound of fabric tearing or the feeling of the wind—could enhance the visceral experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating brief internal thoughts or flashbacks for Ted during the chase to deepen emotional engagement and provide context for his fear.
  • Slow down the pacing during critical moments, especially when Ted is climbing the lighting tower, to build suspense and allow the audience to feel the tension.
  • Enhance the transitions between locations with more descriptive elements to create a smoother flow and maintain the audience's immersion in the scene.
  • Add more sensory details to the struggle between Ted and Donny to create a more visceral experience for the audience, making them feel the stakes of the situation.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a moment where John reflects on his relationship with Ted as he races to save him, which could heighten the emotional stakes of the scene.



Scene 57 -  A Heartbreaking Farewell
EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over
toward the lighting tower, just in time to see...


EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the
foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP,
Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted
falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white
stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand
over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with
the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging,
stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling
himself back over the ledge.

We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the
stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the
edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well.
ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the
upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren,
and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car
pull up far below, he makes a break for it.

(CONTINUED)
122
CONTINUED:

Down below, Ted’s top half lies on the grass, looking
around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom
there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side,
and kneel down.

JOHN
Ted!

LORI
Oh my God...


TED
(weak, slow breathing)
Johnny...

Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to
frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing.

JOHN
Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!

Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of
the white cotton.

TED
Johnny...

John leans back over Ted.

JOHN
You’re gonna be okay, buddy. you
understand? You’re gonna be fine.

TED
(weak)
Jesus, I look like the robot from
“Aliens”.

JOHN
No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you’re
gonna be okay.

TED
I... I don’t think so. I’m... I’m in
trouble. I need... I need to tell you
something.

JOHN
What is it?

TED
Don’t... don’t ever lose her again.
She’s the most important... most
important part of your life.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
123
CONTINUED:
TED (CONT'D)
Even more than me. She’s your thunder
buddy now. She’s--

Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE
TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain...


EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The rain is pouring now. Lori’s car pulls up. She and
John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They
race inside.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They’re
both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches
drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and
thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to
sew him up as John watches intently.

LORI
John... I don’t know if this is gonna--

JOHN
Just try. Please. Just try.

She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They
wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower
their heads.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense and tragic scene, John rushes to the lighting tower to witness Donny brutally tear Ted apart, scattering his stuffing. As John and Lori gather the remnants, Ted shares his final words, emphasizing Lori's importance in John's life before dying. The couple, drenched from the rain, returns to their apartment where Lori desperately tries to sew Ted back together, but her efforts are in vain. The scene concludes with John and Lori in despair, mourning the loss of their beloved friend.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Impactful dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Tense action sequences
Weaknesses
  • Potentially too emotional for some viewers
  • Predictable outcome for Ted

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful, with a mix of tension, action, and heartfelt moments that keep the audience engaged and invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a talking teddy bear facing mortality and imparting wisdom adds depth and emotional resonance to the scene, making it memorable and impactful.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is focused on Ted's tragic death and the emotional aftermath, driving the narrative forward and deepening the character relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique situation of a torn teddy bear and the emotional aftermath. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ted, John, and Lori, are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Ted undergoes a significant change as he faces his mortality and imparts wisdom to John, deepening their bond and highlighting the importance of love and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Ted and maintain his friendship and connection with him. This reflects John's deeper need for companionship and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to physically save Ted and repair him. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of Ted's tearing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ted's mortality and John and Lori's desperation to save him creates tension and emotional stakes that drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face the challenge of saving Ted and dealing with his death.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ted faces mortality, John and Lori race to save him, and the emotional impact of his death reverberates through the scene, raising the tension and stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving Ted's arc in a poignant and impactful way, setting the stage for further character development and emotional depth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected tearing of Ted and the emotional aftermath that follows.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the value of friendship and loyalty, as well as the acceptance of loss and mortality. This challenges John's beliefs about the importance of relationships and the inevitability of death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking sadness, hope, and desperation in the audience as they witness Ted's tragic demise and the characters' grief.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotional, impactful, and authentic, capturing the characters' feelings and relationships in a poignant and realistic way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic events, and character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment with Ted's death.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure follows the expected format for a dramatic and emotional scene, effectively building tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is significant, as it deals with themes of loss and friendship. However, the transition from the intense action of the chase to the emotional aftermath could be smoother. The shock of Ted's injury is powerful, but the pacing feels rushed as it shifts from the action to the emotional response.
  • The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and desperation of the situation, particularly John's frantic attempts to reassure Ted. However, some lines could be more impactful if they were more concise or emotionally charged. For example, Ted's line about looking like the robot from 'Aliens' could be replaced with something that reflects his fear or sadness more directly.
  • The visual imagery of Ted falling apart is striking, but it might benefit from a more detailed description of the aftermath. The scene could explore the physicality of Ted's dismemberment in a way that heightens the emotional stakes for John and Lori.
  • The character dynamics are strong, particularly the bond between John and Ted. However, Lori's role in this scene feels somewhat passive. She is primarily reacting to John's actions rather than taking an active role in the emotional exchange. Giving her a more defined emotional response or a line that reflects her feelings could enhance her character's depth.
  • The scene ends on a somber note, which is fitting, but it might be more effective to include a moment of reflection or a shared look between John and Lori after Ted's death. This could serve to deepen their connection and highlight the impact of the loss on their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or stillness after Ted's injury before the action resumes, allowing the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Revise Ted's dialogue to reflect a more poignant farewell, perhaps focusing on his feelings about their friendship or his fears about not being there for John.
  • Enhance the visual description of Ted's dismemberment and the aftermath, emphasizing the emotional impact on John and Lori as they gather the stuffing.
  • Give Lori a more active role in the emotional exchange, perhaps by having her express her own fears or regrets about the situation, which would add depth to her character.
  • Include a moment of shared grief between John and Lori after Ted's death, such as a lingering touch or a shared look, to emphasize their bond and the weight of their loss.



Scene 58 -  A Night of Despair
INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on
the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes
it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part
of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his
shoulder.

LORI
John... I’m sorry. You did everything
you could. I’m... I’m just so sorry.

She gently puts an arm around him. There is a
thunderclap outside. John does not react.

LORI (CONT’D)
(almost too softly to be
heard)
You’re not afraid...



(CONTINUED)
124
CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is
placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and
exit...

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT

John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying
awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks
over to the window, and looks out.


EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - SAME

ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one
from that night when John was a child. As before, there
is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star
whizzes by through the opening.


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lori’s eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at
the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and
makes a wish...


EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE


INT. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM - MORNING

John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He
gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this poignant scene, John grapples with deep distress over Ted's condition, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Lori enters, offering comfort by covering Ted with a blanket and sitting beside John, trying to reassure him that he did all he could. Despite her gentle words, John remains unresponsive, lost in his sorrow. The scene shifts to their bedroom, where John sleeps while Lori, restless and reflective, gazes at the cloudy sky and wishes upon a shooting star. The scene concludes with John waking up the next morning, haunted by the previous night's events.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Symbolism with shooting star
  • Character introspection
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' grief and regret while introducing a glimmer of hope through the shooting star. The pacing and tone are well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, regret, and hope in the aftermath of a tragic event is well-developed in the scene. The introduction of the shooting star as a symbol of hope adds depth to the emotional narrative and sets up potential character growth and resolution.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot in terms of action or external events, it plays a crucial role in developing the characters' emotional arcs and setting up potential future conflicts and resolutions. The focus on internal struggles and hopes adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of grief and loss but approaches it with a fresh perspective through the characters' nuanced reactions and the use of symbolic elements like the shooting star.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into the characters' emotional states, particularly John and Lori, showcasing their grief, regret, and longing for a better future. The nuanced performances and interactions between the characters add layers to their personalities and set up potential growth and development.

Character Changes: 7

While there isn't significant character change within the scene itself, the emotional journey and introspection experienced by John and Lori set the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes. The scene lays the groundwork for character evolution and resolution.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with a loss or failure and find comfort in Lori's support. It reflects his deeper need for emotional connection and reassurance in difficult times.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to cope with a difficult situation and find solace in Lori's presence. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with grief and emotional pain.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and regrets rather than external obstacles. The tension arises from the characters' grief and longing for a better future.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in John's internal conflict and the external challenges he faces in coping with grief.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the characters' grief, regret, and hope for a better future. While there isn't immediate danger or external conflict, the emotional weight of the characters' struggles adds depth and significance to the scene.

Story Forward: 6

The scene doesn't move the external plot forward significantly but plays a crucial role in developing the characters' internal arcs and emotional states. It sets up potential future conflicts, resolutions, and character growth, adding depth to the overall story.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in emotional dynamics between the characters and the unexpected appearance of the shooting star.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between acceptance and denial of loss. John's reaction to Lori's comfort and the thunderclap outside symbolize his internal conflict between facing reality and avoiding it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' grief, regret, and hope. The poignant moments of reflection and the introduction of the shooting star evoke strong emotions and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and inner turmoil effectively. The moments of silence and reflection also contribute to the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the intimate and relatable portrayal of grief and emotional support, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' inner struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of scene transitions and visual cues to enhance the emotional impact.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression from emotional turmoil to quiet reflection, mirroring the characters' internal journey.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of this scene is palpable, effectively capturing the aftermath of Ted's demise. John's despair and Lori's attempts to comfort him create a poignant moment that resonates with the audience. However, the scene could benefit from more explicit dialogue that conveys John's internal struggle and grief, allowing viewers to connect more deeply with his emotional state.
  • The use of the thunderclap as a sound motif is effective in heightening the tension and reflecting John's emotional turmoil. However, the transition from the living room to the bedroom feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative, perhaps by including a brief moment of reflection or dialogue between John and Lori before they move to the bedroom.
  • Lori's wish upon the shooting star is a nice touch, linking back to the theme of childhood magic and hope. However, the scene could be strengthened by providing more context or a visual cue that emphasizes the significance of the shooting star in relation to John's childhood and his bond with Ted. This would deepen the emotional impact of her wish.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the moment where Lori makes her wish could be expanded. Allowing for a longer pause or a more detailed internal monologue could enhance the emotional stakes and give the audience a moment to reflect on the gravity of the situation.
  • The visual elements, such as the cloudy sky and the shooting star, are effective in creating a dreamlike quality. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' emotions. This would help immerse the audience further into the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue from John that expresses his feelings of guilt or helplessness, which would provide more insight into his emotional state.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or a shared glance between John and Lori before they transition to the bedroom, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • Enhance the significance of the shooting star by incorporating a flashback or a brief memory of John's childhood wish, connecting it to the current situation and emphasizing the theme of lost magic.
  • Extend the moment of Lori making her wish, perhaps by including a voiceover of her thoughts or a visual representation of her hope for Ted's revival, to heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Use more descriptive language to create a vivid atmosphere in the bedroom scene, focusing on the lighting, sounds, and the characters' body language to convey their emotional states more effectively.



Scene 59 -  A Heartfelt Reunion
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is
where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still
motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted’s
eyes snap open.

JOHN
Ted!

TED
(retarded-sounding voice)
I’m alive, Johnny!

JOHN
Oh my god!

(CONTINUED)
125
CONTINUED:

TED
(retarded-sounding voice)
I’m alive! Your magical wish worked!

JOHN
You’re back!

TED
(retarded-sounding voice)
Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you
put some of the stuffing in the wrong
places, so I’m a little fucked up. Will
you take care of me forever and ever?

John stares at him, confused.

TED (CONT’D)
(normal voice)
Nah, I’m just kiddin’ ya, I thought it’d
be funny if you thought I was fuckin’
retarded.

JOHN
You asshole!

John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees
what’s happening, and a huge smile crosses her face.

LORI
Welcome back, Ted.

John turns to Lori, and realizes...

JOHN
It... it was you. You did it. (cover
this line with addition:) It was your
wish.

TEDDY
(smiling, speechless)
Son of a bitch...You wished for my life
back.

She smiles at him.

LORI
No. I wished for my life back. Because
I love you both.

John goes to her, and kisses her passionately.

TED
You were pretty great out there at
Fenway, Johnny.

(CONTINUED)
126
CONTINUED:

LORI
Yeah, that’s my big brave man.

JOHN
Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was
punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I
mean if that’s what it’s like to hit a
woman, watch out, I liked it.

LORI
(smiling)
I love you.

JOHN
I love you, too.
(then)
And, I want you to know that... I’m
probably never gonna be any more than a
guy who rents cars, but... I don’t care.
You’re the only thing that matters in my
life.

TED (O.S.)
Ay--

JOHN
You and Ted.

TED (O.S.)
Yes!

JOHN
And after last night, I... I don’t ever
want to lose anyone who matters to me
ever again. I’m not gonna wait any
longer for my life to start. Lori...
will you marry me?

LORI
(beat, she smiles)
That’s all I ever wanted.

John and Lori kiss as we pull away...

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily
ever after, having discovered at last
that all they really needed was each
other. John and Lori were married in a
beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a
very special Justice of the Peace.
127
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In the living room, John discovers that Ted is alive after removing a blanket, leading to a humorous moment where Ted pretends to be altered but quickly reveals he's fine. John realizes Lori wished for Ted's life back, prompting him to propose to her. Lori joyfully accepts, and they share a passionate kiss, solidifying their bond as a family with Ted. The scene concludes with a voiceover celebrating their happiness together.
Strengths
  • Heartwarming moments
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Somewhat predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends humor, sentimentality, and romance, providing a satisfying conclusion to the story. The emotional impact is strong, and the character development is significant.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ted miraculously coming back to life adds a magical element to the scene, elevating it beyond a typical romantic comedy resolution.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on resolution and closure, providing a satisfying ending to the story while maintaining the comedic tone and character dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique element of a talking teddy bear and explores themes of love, commitment, and self-discovery in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show significant growth and development in the scene, particularly John, who makes a heartfelt proposal to Lori. The interactions between the characters feel genuine and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially John, undergo significant changes in the scene, showing growth, vulnerability, and a deeper connection with each other.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his love and commitment to his girlfriend, Lori, and to show his appreciation for her role in bringing Ted back to life. This reflects his deeper need for connection and security in his relationships.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to propose to Lori and express his desire to marry her. This reflects the immediate circumstance of their relationship and his desire for a future together.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on resolution and emotional closure rather than intense drama.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is relatively weak, as the conflict is quickly resolved and the outcome is predictable. However, the emotional impact of the proposal adds depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' relationships and their growth rather than external threats or dangers.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, deepening relationships, and setting the stage for the characters' future together.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Ted coming back to life and the suspense of the protagonist's proposal to Lori.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of love and commitment versus personal fulfillment and self-identity. John struggles with the idea of being 'just a guy who rents cars' but ultimately realizes that his love for Lori and Ted is what truly matters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of love, joy, and sorrow as Ted miraculously comes back to life and John proposes to Lori.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, heartfelt, and humorous, capturing the essence of each character's personality and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, emotion, and a touch of suspense as the protagonist proposes to his girlfriend, creating a compelling and heartwarming moment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotion leading up to the protagonist's proposal, creating a sense of anticipation and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a romantic comedy genre, with a buildup of tension leading to a heartfelt proposal and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional climax of the story, with John's discovery of Ted's return serving as a pivotal moment. However, the initial reveal of Ted's 'retarded-sounding voice' could be seen as problematic and may not resonate well with all audiences. It risks trivializing mental disabilities, which could detract from the humor and emotional weight of the moment.
  • The dialogue between John, Ted, and Lori is engaging and showcases their relationships well. However, the transition from Ted's playful banter to the serious proposal feels slightly abrupt. While the humor is a hallmark of the film, it might benefit from a smoother transition that allows the emotional stakes to build more organically.
  • The use of the term 'retarded' in Ted's dialogue may be considered offensive by some viewers. It's important to be mindful of language that can perpetuate stereotypes or be hurtful, especially in a comedic context. Finding a different way for Ted to express his humor without using potentially derogatory terms would enhance the scene's overall reception.
  • The emotional stakes are high, and the scene does a good job of conveying the characters' feelings. However, the moment where John proposes could be expanded to include more reflection on what he has learned throughout the film. This would deepen the emotional impact and provide a more satisfying resolution to his character arc.
  • The narrator's voiceover at the end serves as a nice wrap-up, but it could be more impactful if it included a brief reflection on the journey the characters have taken together. This would reinforce the theme of friendship and love that runs throughout the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Ted's initial line to avoid using the term 'retarded' and instead opt for a different comedic approach that maintains his playful character without offending audiences.
  • Add a moment of reflection for John before he proposes, allowing him to articulate what he has learned about love and friendship through his experiences with Ted and Lori.
  • Smooth out the transition from humor to the proposal by incorporating a moment of vulnerability or seriousness that highlights the stakes of the situation, making the proposal feel more earned.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the scene by allowing Lori to express her feelings about both John and Ted before the proposal, reinforcing the theme of their interconnectedness.
  • Consider expanding the narrator's voiceover to include a brief summary of the characters' journeys, emphasizing the growth they have experienced and the importance of their relationships.



Scene 60 -  A Wedding to Remember
INT. CHURCH - DAY

We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam
J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux,
stands in the best man’s position. John stands on the
steps smiling and looking out as we cut to...

ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress,
smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones
addresses the two of them, standing at the altar.

SAM JONES
I now pronounce you man and wife. You
may kiss the bride.

John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the
cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves
back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing
pews full of people from the movie: Lori’s co-workers,
John’s co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix
and Tanya, etc.).


EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori come running out of the church, as the
crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo
with a “Just Married” sign on the back. John gets in,
and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina,
Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns
and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into
frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as
Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her
off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away...

Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as
his best friend heads off.

TED
Y’know Sam, there’s only one way to end a
perfect day.

SAM JONES
What’s that?


TED
On three.

SAM JONES
What on three?

TED
Flash jump.

(CONTINUED)
128
CONTINUED:

SAM JONES
(realizing)
Right.


One... two... three.

DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same
time...

TED/SAM JONES
YEAH!!!

They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme
kicks in. Over the music:

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And that’s the story of how one magical
wish forever changed the lives of three
very special friends.

INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double
date.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid
love affair for quite some time. One
afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli
counter eating potato salad off of Tami-
Lynn’s bare bottom. He was instantly
promoted to store manager.

INSERT: footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow
motion.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with
the goal of restarting his film career.
He currently resides in Burbank where he
shares a studio apartment with his
roommate Brandon Routh.

INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Remember Brandon Routh from that god-
awful “Superman” movie? Jesus Christ.
Thanks for getting our hopes up and
taking a giant shit on us.

INSERT: footage or Rex at the office.




(CONTINUED)
129
CONTINUED:

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not
long after he fell into a deep depression
and died of Lou Gehrig’s disease.

INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Donny was arrested by Boston police and
charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The
charges were dropped when everyone
realized how completely stupid that
sounded.

INSERT: footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial
amount of weight, and went on to become
Taylor Lautner.

INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER.



THE END
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary In a joyful church ceremony, John and Lori tie the knot, officiated by Sam J. Jones. After their kiss, the couple is celebrated with rice throwing and a bouquet toss, which leads to a comedic altercation between Tanya and Tami-Lynn. Ted and Sam J. Jones then perform a 'Flash jump' in mid-air, adding to the lighthearted chaos. The scene concludes with a humorous narration reflecting on the characters' fates, including a funny remark about Taylor Lautner.
Strengths
  • Humor
  • Emotional resonance
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed, with a good balance of humor, sentimentality, and character development. The wedding serves as a fitting conclusion to the story, tying up loose ends and providing a sense of closure.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wedding as the final resolution of the story is well-executed, providing a satisfying conclusion for the characters and the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the wedding of John and Lori, bringing closure to their relationship and the overall story. It moves the narrative forward and resolves key conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh comedic elements to a traditional wedding setting, with unexpected character interactions and resolutions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their arcs are resolved in a meaningful way during the wedding scene. Each character's personality shines through in their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and personal growth as they celebrate the wedding.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to celebrate the wedding of his friends and reflect on their journey together. It reflects his desire for happiness and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the wedding ceremony and support his friends. It reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, as it focuses more on resolution and celebration rather than tension or drama.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with comedic conflicts that add humor and depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, as it focuses more on celebration and resolution rather than intense conflict or danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving key plot points and providing closure for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions and resolutions that add depth to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' past actions and their current happiness. It challenges their beliefs about friendship and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of joy, nostalgia, and hope as the characters come together for a significant moment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, heartfelt, and reflective of each character's personality. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, emotion, and unexpected events that keep the audience entertained.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing comedic moments with emotional beats and character resolutions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a wedding scene, with clear transitions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional wedding structure with comedic twists and character resolutions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the joyous culmination of John and Lori's journey, providing a satisfying resolution to their relationship. However, the transition from the emotional weight of the previous scene to this celebratory moment feels abrupt. The audience may benefit from a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that acknowledges the struggles they've faced before diving into the wedding festivities.
  • The use of humor, particularly with Tami-Lynn's punch, adds a comedic touch that contrasts with the romantic tone of the wedding. While this can be effective, it risks undermining the emotional significance of the moment. Balancing humor with the gravity of the wedding ceremony could enhance the overall impact.
  • The freeze-frame jump at the end is a fun visual, but it may feel out of place in the context of a wedding. It could be perceived as trivializing the moment. Consider whether this visual gag aligns with the tone you want to convey at the conclusion of the story.
  • The narrator's voiceover provides a humorous wrap-up, but some of the jokes, particularly about Rex and Donny, may come off as overly harsh or dark for a wedding scene. This could alienate some viewers who are looking for a more uplifting conclusion. A lighter touch or more focus on the positive outcomes for the characters could enhance the overall feel-good nature of the ending.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the church's decor, the expressions on the guests' faces, or the ambiance of the wedding could help immerse the audience in the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or reflection between John and Lori before the ceremony begins, allowing them to acknowledge their journey and the challenges they've overcome together.
  • Evaluate the placement of the comedic elements, such as Tami-Lynn's punch, to ensure they enhance rather than detract from the emotional weight of the wedding scene.
  • Reassess the freeze-frame jump at the end; if it feels too comedic for the moment, consider a more subtle celebration that maintains the emotional tone of the wedding.
  • Revise the narrator's voiceover to focus more on positive outcomes for the characters, ensuring the humor aligns with the celebratory nature of the wedding.
  • Incorporate more sensory details and visual descriptions to create a richer atmosphere, helping the audience feel more connected to the wedding experience.