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Scene 1 -  Scream
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
SCREAM

by

Kevin Williamson
FADE IN:


ON A RINGING TELEPHONE

A hand reaches for it, bringing the receiver up to the face of
CASEY BECKER, a young girl, no more than sixteen. A friendly face
with innocent eyes.

CASEY
Hello.

MAN'S VOICE
(from phone)
Hello.

Silence.

CASEY
Yes.

MAN
Who is this?

CASEY
Who are you trying to reach?

MAN
What number is this?

CASEY
What number are you trying to reach?

MAN
I don't know.

CASEY
I think you have the wrong number.

MAN
Do I?

CASEY
It happens. Take it easy.

CLICK! She hangs up the phone. The CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal
Casey in a living room, alone. She moves from the living room to
the kitchen. It's a nice house. Affluent.

The phone RINGS again.


INT. KITCHEN

Casey grabs the portable.

CASEY
Hello.
MAN
I'm sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong
number.

CASEY
So why did you dial it again?

MAN
To apologize.

CASEY
You're forgiven. Bye now.

MAN
Wait, wait, don't hang up.

Casey stands in front of a sliding glass door. It's pitch black
outside.

CASEY
What?

MAN
I want to talk to you for a second.

CASEY
They've got 900 numbers for that. Seeya.

CLICK! Casey hangs up. A grin on her face.


EXT. CASEY'S HOUSE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING

A big country home with a huge sprawling lawn full of big oak
trees. It sits alone with no neighbors in sight.

The phone RINGS again.
Genres: ["horror","thriller"]

Summary A mysterious caller harasses a teenage girl.
Strengths "The scene sets up the creepy and suspenseful tone of the movie, providing insight into the main character's personality and situation."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow-paced for some audiences, with little action or plot development."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear dialogue that sets up the tension of the scene. However, there are a few points that could use improvement.

Firstly, the scene lacks visual description, which is important in screenwriting to convey the mood of the scene and set the tone. Adding in some visual details, such as the lighting in the room or the expression on Casey's face, could enhance the scene.

Secondly, Casey's behavior seems unrealistic. It's questionable why she would continue answering a wrong number caller multiple times when the conversation seems to be going nowhere. This could be addressed by adding some justification for her behavior, such as her being in a particularly good mood or wanting to avoid being rude.

Finally, while the scene builds tension, the reason for it is unclear. There's no indication that the caller is dangerous or that anything bad may happen. Adding in some hints or foreshadowing could increase the suspense and make the scene more effective.

Overall, with some minor adjustments, this scene has the potential to be a well-executed suspenseful moment in the film.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and suspense to the scene. This could be achieved by having the man on the phone become more aggressive or threatening in his tone and choice of words. Additionally, there could be more visual clues to suggest that Casey is not as safe as she initially seems, such as ominous shadows lurking outside or a sense of isolation in the large, empty house. These elements would heighten the stakes and make the audience more invested in the character's safety.



Scene 2 -  Mysterious Phone Call
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. KITCHEN

Popcorn sizzles in a pot on the stove. Casey covers it with a lid,
reaching for the portable phone.

CASEY
Hello.

MAN
Why don't you want to talk to me?

CASEY
Who is this?

MAN
You tell me your name, I'll tell you mine.

CASEY
(shaking the popcorn)
I don't think so.
MAN
What's that noise?

Casey smiles, playing along, innocently.

CASEY
Popcorn.

MAN
You're making popcorn?

CASEY
Uh-huh.

MAN
I only eat popcorn at the movies.

CASEY
I'm getting ready to watch a video.

MAN
Really? What?

CASEY
Just some scary movie.

MAN
Do you like scary movies?

CASEY
Uh-huh.

MAN
What's your favorite scary movie?

He's flirting with her. Casey moves away from the stove and takes
a seat at the kitchen counter, directly in front of the glass
door.

CASEY
I don't know.

MAN
You have to have a favorite.

Casey thinks for second.

CASEY
Uh... HALLOWEEN. You know, the one with
the guy with the white mask who just sorta
walks around and stalks the baby sitters.
What's yours?

MAN
Guess.

CASEY
Uh... NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
MAN
Is that the one where the guy had knives
for fingers?

CASEY
Yeah... Freddy Krueger.

MAN
Freddy-that's right. I liked that movie.
It was scary.

CASEY
The first one was, but the rest sucked.

MAN
So, you gotta boyfriend?

CASEY
(giggling)
Why? You wanna ask me out?

MAN
Maybe. Do you have a boyfriend?

CASEY
No.

MAN
You never told me your name.

Casey smiles, twirling her hair.

CASEY
Why do you want to know my name?

MAN
Because I want to know who I'm looking at.

Casey spins around like lightning facing the glass door.

CASEY
What did you say?

MAN
I want to now who I'm talking to.

CASEY
That's not what you said.

MAN
What do you think I said?

Casey CLICKS on the outside light. A flood light illuminates the
backyard. Her eyes survey the grounds. But it's empty. No one's
there. She turns the light out.

On the stove, the popcorn POPS.

CASEY
I have to go now.
MAN
Wait... I thought we were gonna go out.

CASEY
Nah, I don't think so...

MAN
Don't hang up on me.

CASEY
Gotta go.

MAN
Don't...

CLICK! Casey hangs up. She checks the glass door making sure it's
locked and then moves to the stove as...

THE PHONE RINGS.

She slides the popcorn from the stove, reaching for the phone.

CASEY
Yes?

MAN
I told you not to hang up on me.

CASEY
What do you want?

MAN
To talk.

CASEY
Dial someone else, okay?

MAN
You getting scared?

CASEY
No-bored.

CLICK. She hangs up. The phone RINGS again. She grabs it.

CASEY
Listen, asshole...

MAN
(deadly serious)
NO, YOU LISTEN, YOU LITTLE BITCH. IF YOU
HANG UP ON ME AGAIN I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A
FISH. UNDERSTAND?

Total silence. He has gotten her full attention.

CASEY
Is this some kind of a joke?
MAN
More of a game, really.

Casey eyes the glass doors, then looks up the hallway to the front
doors... moving to it. It's unlocked. She bolts it.

CASEY
I'm two seconds from calling the police.

MAN
They'd never make it in time.

Casey moves her face flush against the door, her eye looking
through the peephole.


ANGLE THROUGH PEEPHOLE

A distorted view of the front porch. It is empty. She relaxes a
bit, relieved.

CASEY
What do you want?

MAN
(pure evil)
TO SEE WHAT YOUR INSIDES LOOK LIKE.

Casey's jaw drops as total fear storms her face. She hangs up the
phone, throwing it down on a side table when...

THE DOORBELL CHIMES.

Casey leaps out of her skin. She turns to the door as it chimes
again.

CASEY
(calling out)
Who's there?

Another CHIME. She moves to it.

CASEY
(louder)
Who's there?

No answer. Fuck this. It's time for the police. She goes for the
portable phone. Just as she picks it up...

IT RINGS.

Casey almost drops it, losing her breath...

She brings it to her ear with trembling hands, saying nothing...
listening, waiting...

A long silence. And then.
MAN
You should never say "Who's there?". Don't
you watch scary movies? It's a death wish.

Casey clutches the wall, nearly collapsing. She tries her damndest
to hang tough.

CASEY
Look, enough is enough. You had your fun
now you better leave me alone or else.

MAN
Or else what?

CLOSE ON her face, her mind thinking, calculating...
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary A stranger harasses a teenage girl with flirtatious yet ominous conversation, escalating to threats of violence.
Strengths "Strong tension and fear evoke a visceral emotional response in the viewer. Dialogue manages to straddle the line between flirtation and terror, creating an uneasy dynamic. The film's premise and execution conjure up familiar fears and tropes of the horror genre."
Weaknesses "The use of outdated technology (a portable phone) may break immersion and dates the film. The conversation may become repetitive for some viewers, dragging on too long."
Critique Overall, this scene from a screenplay seems to be well-written. The tension and suspense build up gradually, keeping the audience engaged. The use of short, sharp dialogue exchanges between Casey and the unknown man increases the sense of urgency and danger.

However, there are a few areas where this scene could be improved. One issue is that the scene lacks visual descriptions and detailed action lines. For example, when Casey checks the glass door to ensure that it's locked, the screenwriter could have described the physical actions Casey takes, such as looking through the space between curtains or pressing her ear to the door to listen for any movement outside. These details help transport the reader and audience into the world of the story.

In addition, some of the dialogue seems unrealistic and exaggerated, such as when the man threatens to gut Casey like a fish. This line is quite extreme and may take some readers out of the story. Furthermore, the dialogue also does not establish a clear motive for why the man is harassing Casey.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more descriptive language and better dialogue that rings true to the characters and scenario.
Suggestions Overall, this scene creates tension and establishes the antagonist's ominous presence. However, here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Consider starting the scene with Casey doing something that sets up her character or the story - for example, researching something online that is related to the plot, or talking to someone about her plans for the evening. This will help the audience understand her better and provide context for the call.

2. Make the antagonist's threatening behavior more subtle at the beginning of the call. For example, he could ask innocuous questions that gradually become more personal and uncomfortable for Casey. This will increase the tension slowly and make it feel more realistic.

3. Add some action or movement to the scene to break up the dialogue. For example, Casey could be pacing, or she could be trying to open a window to get some air while she talks on the phone. This will make the scene feel more dynamic.

4. Consider adding some backstory or motivation for the antagonist. Why is he targeting Casey specifically? What does he want to achieve by scaring her? This will make him a more engaging and complex character.

5. Finally, consider ending the scene on a bigger cliffhanger or twist that will make the audience eager to see what happens next. For example, the antagonist could reveal that he knows something about Casey's family or friends that she thought was a secret, or he could say something that implies he is watching her every move. This will keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 3 -  The Game Begins
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
CASEY
My boyfriend will be here any second and
he'll be pissed when I tell him...

MAN
I thought you didn't have a boyfriend.

Busted. She holds steady.

CASEY
I lied. I do have a boyfriend and he'll be
here any second and your ass better be
gone.

MAN
Sure...

CASEY
I swear it. And he's big and plays
football and will beat the shit out of
you.

MAN
I'm getting scared.

CASEY
I'm telling you the truth. I lied
before...

MAN
I believe you...

CASEY
So you better leave.

MAN
His name wouldn't be Steve, would it?

Silence. Casey buckles at the knees, losing it.

CASEY
How do you know his name?
MAN
Go to the back door and turn on the porch
light – again.

Casey, terrified, forces herself to move... staggering to the
kitchen... to the glass doors. Her shaky hand finds the light
switch... she hits it. The back yard is lit.

Sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of the backyard is a big,
line backer of a guy, her boyfriend...


STEVE

Tied and gagged. He's been roughed up, but he's alive.


CLOSE ON HIS EYES

Wide in fear... staring at his girlfriend, pleading with her.

CASEY
Oh Goddddd...

Casey SCREAMS. Her hand moves to the lock on the door.

MAN
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Terror rides Casey's face. She's petrified.

CASEY
Where are you?

MAN
Guess.

Her eyes search the yard, combing bushes, trees. He could be
anywhere-anywhere.

CASEY
(begging)
Please don't hurt him.

MAN
That all depends on you.

CASEY
Why are you doing this?

Tears find their way, streaming down Casey's face.

MAN
I wanna play a game.

CASEY
No...

MAN
Then he dies. Right now.
CASEY
NOOO!

MAN
Which is it?

A long silence. Casey touches the glass... staring at Steve...
this big jock of a guy is crying too.

CASEY
What kind of game?

MAN
Turn off the light.

Her hand goes to the switch... Steve tugs and pulls at his
straps... as if begging her... his face sweat and tears...

CLICK.

He disappears in the darkness. Casey moves away from the glass,
back toward the living room, unbelieving, horrified.

MAN
Here's how we play. I ask a question. If
you get it right Steve lives.

Three curtainless windows line one wall. Casey crouches down
behind the couch, tipping a lamp cord from it's socket, darkening
the room. Her body quivers.

CASEY
Please don't do this...

MAN
Come on. It'll be fun.

CASEY
No... please.

MAN
It's an easy category. Movie trivia.

CASEY
(begging)
... please...

MAN
I'll even give you a warm up question.

CASEY
Don't do this. I can't...

MAN
Name the killer in HALLOWEEN.

CASEY
No...
MAN
Come on. It's you favorite scary movie,
remember? He had a white mask, he stalked
the baby-sitters.

Casey goes silent... a nervous wreck... she can barely speak much
less think.

CASEY
I don't know...

MAN
Come on, yes you do.

CASEY
Please... stop...

Casey is SOBBING.

MAN
What's his name?

CASEY
I can't think.

Casey has officially reached hysteria, petrified beyond all
reality.

MAN
Steve's counting on you.

Suddenly... through tears... Godsent...

CASEY
(a whisper)
Michael... Michael Myers.

MAN
YES!

Casey SIGHS... relieved.

MAN
Now for the real question.

CASEY
NOOOO...

MAN
But you're doing so well.

CASEY
Please go away! Leave us alone!

MAN
Then answer the question. Same category.

Casey is a blubbering, wet mass on the floor.
CASEY
... please... no...

MAN
Name the killer in FRIDAY THE 13TH.

A mad smile purses Casey's lips. She knows this. She leaps up,
through tears, screaming...

CASEY
Jason! Jason!... JASON!

A slight PAUSE.

MAN
I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer.

CASEY
No it's not. It was Jason.

MAN
Afraid not.

CASEY
It was Jason. I saw that godamned movie
twenty times. It was Jason.

MAN
Then you should know Jason's MOTHER.
Mrs.Vorhees was the original killer. Jason
didn't show up until the sequel.

Casey is stupefied.

CASEY
You tricked me...

MAN
Lucky, for you there's a bonus round. But
poor Steve... I'm afraid... he's out.

This implication sends Casey running to the kitchen... to the
glass doors. She flips on the porch lights to see...


STEVE

Eyes wide, sitting in the lawn chair... his belly gaping open... a
mass of blood and ripped flesh... his insides lay on the ground
between his feet... steam rising.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary A mysterious caller challenges a teenage girl to a horror movie trivia game with her boyfriend's life on the line.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is high. The stakes are clear from the beginning. The use of horror movie trivia as a game is creative."
Weaknesses "The scene is violent and may be difficult to watch for some viewers. The character of the stranger is underdeveloped and stereotypical."
Critique This scene is well-written and effectively builds tension and terror. The dialogue between Casey and the unknown man is strong, with believable reactions from Casey as she becomes more and more scared. The use of trivia questions about horror movies adds an extra layer of suspense, as the audience wonders if Casey will get the answers right and be able to save her boyfriend. The final reveal of Steve's grisly fate is shocking and leaves a lasting impression on the reader/viewer. Overall, this scene is a good example of building suspense through dialogue and using a simple game to heighten the stakes. However, it's worth noting that scenes involving graphic violence and gore may not be suitable for all audiences.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more suspense and tension building up to the reveal of Steve's fate. The dialogue between Casey and the killer feels rushed and may benefit from more pauses and moments of silence. Furthermore, the scene could benefit from utilizing more visual cues, such as close-up shots of Casey's terrified face or Steve's distressed facial expressions, to heighten the tension and emotion of the moment. Additionally, the killer's motive and reasoning for targeting Casey and Steve could be further developed to make the character more complex and add another layer of intrigue to the scene.



Scene 4 -  Final Quiz
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
A SCREAM erupts from the bottom of her soul as Casey collapse on
the floor... nearly passing out.

CLOSE ON her face... pale and ghostly white. She SOBS.

MAN
Final question. Are you ready?
She doesn't answer. A long, maddening silence. Casey reaches up
and CLICKS off the light, making Steve go away... wishing,
hoping...

CASEY
... leave me alone... please...

MAN
Answer the question and I will.

Casey is curled up on the floor like an infant, rocking slowly
back and forth.

MAN
What door am I at?

CASEY
What?

MAN
There are two doors to your house. A front
door and a back one. If you answer
correctly you live.

From where Casey sits she can see both front and back doors. She
deliberates... with her last bit of strength she tries to
strategize. Eyeing both, the front door... the back door trying to
decide between the two.

CASEY
Don't make me... I can't... I won't.

MAN
Your call.

In the darkness, Casey crawls to the kitchen counter-she leans up
and grabs a long, sharp knife.

Casey looks around her... she looks down the hall to the front
door... then turns back to the kitchen glass door as it
suddenly...

... SHATTERS TO BITS...

... as a lawn chair come flying through it. Exploding glass sprays
everywhere.

This incites Casey like fire. She springs to her feet... bolting
out of the kitchen as a SHADOW moves quickly through the shattered
doorframe.


ANGLE ON CASEY

Somewhere in the house, back flat against a window, listening to
FEET ON CRACKING GLASS. She turns and unlocks the latch, quietly
sliding it up. She can hear him move through the foyer... to the
front door.
Casey lifts herself up and puts her legs through the window. She
holds the knife in one hand, the phone in the other.

Casey eases out the window, fumbling, dropping the knife back in
the house. She starts to reach for it. Fuck it, she takes off...


EXT. SIDE OF HOUSE

Casey it at the back corner of the house.

MAN
I can hear you. I know you're here.

Casey eases along a narrow path between a tall fence and the side
of the house... going for the front yard. She must pass the three
curtainless windows. She gets to the first one and peeks in...

The FIGURE has pulled open the foyer closet, searching for her.

Casey creeps along, to the next window, she looks in... the Figure
is completely on the other side of the room moving toward the hall
that leads to other parts of the house.

She moves further along the house... squeezing by hedges... to the
third window... she peeks in to the Figure...

STARING BACK AT HER...

His face covered with a ghostly white mask, inches from her... his
eyes piercing through... soulless... Casey SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER
as a hand...

CRASHES through the glass window grabbing hold of her neck... she
beats at him trying to free herself... her nails dig into his
arm... she wrenches from side to side... finally breaking free as
the hands disappear inside the house...


EXT. CORNER OF HOUSE

Casey sails around the corner of the house, eyeing the front door.
It remains closed. Her eyes cover the sprawling country yard when
suddenly...


HEADLIGHTS APPEAR

In the distance, coming down the road towards the house... she
recognizes them instantly. Mom... Dad... she tears off across the
yard toward them... moving like lightning...

The car turns into the driveway... Casey SCREAMS, waving madly,
rushing by a tree as...


THE GHOST MASKED FIGURE APPEARS

Casey stumbles back, catching her balance... the Figure moves on
her, arm poised high... a flash of silver... and Casey is struck,
across the chest. She looks down to see her shirt blossoming
red... a look of bewilderment as she drops to one knee.

The knife rises again... Casey throws her hand forward... the
blade comes down... but it's blocked by the portable phone still
in her hand. She turns staggering to...


EXT. DRIVEWAY

A MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE emerge from the parked car. They move to the
front door completely unaware of what's happening to their
daughter, only feet from them.


EXT. FRONT YARD

Casey stumbles forward... her parents ten feet away... she opens
her mouth to scream but no sound resonates... she is beyond
words... staggering, swaying... the FIGURE moving behind her.


EXT. FRONT DOOR

Her parents approach the door

FATHER
That fish smelled strong.

MOTHER
I told you to send it back.

The father discovers the front door ajar. A puzzled look. Casey is
right behind them with one arm outstretched. If they'd only turn
around...

They enter the house and close the door as...

Casey collapses on the ground, clutching her bloody chest... the
Figure upon her.


INT. FOYER

The father sees straight back into the kitchen... the shattered
patio door.

FATHER
Jesus...

MOTHER
What is it? Where's Casey?

FATHER
(calling out)
Casey? Casey?

In a split second they're both panic stricken. The father begins
searching the house frantically. The mother is hysterical.
EXT. FRONT YARD

CLOSE ON CASEY

She's dragged by her feet through damp soil... the life going fast
from her body... her hand still clutching the phone.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary A stranger challenges a teenage girl with a horror movie trivia game with her boyfriend's life on the line which escalates into a violent confrontation as the girl's parents arrive home
Strengths "Intensely suspenseful scene that keeps the audience on the edge of their seat."
Weaknesses "Graphic violence that may be disturbing to some viewers."
Critique The scene starts off with strong, visceral imagery as Casey collapses and sobs uncontrollably. The tension is heightened with the final question being asked, leaving the audience wondering what the stakes are. However, the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, particularly with the man's insistence on the question being answered in exchange for leaving her alone.

The scene gains momentum as Casey struggles to make a decision, eyeing both front and backdoors while the suspense builds. The use of shattered glass and flying objects creates a chaotic atmosphere and adds to the danger that Casey faces.

The climax of the scene is intense as Casey battles the masked figure, but the writing could benefit from being more descriptive of the action. The final moments are chilling as Casey is dragged away, with the focus still on her tight grip on the phone.

Overall, the scene shows potential but could use stronger dialogue and more attention to detail in the action.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is tense and well-paced, but there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. Add some backstory: It would be helpful to know who the man is and why he's tormenting Casey. Adding some context would make the audience care more about what's happening.

2. Make Casey more proactive: While Casey is the victim in this scene, it would be beneficial to see her take some action to try to defend herself. Maybe she could try to find a weapon earlier in the scene rather than waiting until the end.

3. Avoid cliches: The scene falls back on some horror movie cliches, such as the protagonist falling down and dropping the weapon. Avoiding these tropes would make the scene more unique and memorable.

4. Build tension through dialogue: The conversation between the man and Casey could be more suspenseful if their words were more carefully chosen. Building tension through dialogue adds an extra level of excitement to the scene.



Scene 5 -  The Murder of Casey Prescott
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. FOYER

Back in the house.

MOTHER
Where is she?

FATHER
Call the police.

The mother moves to the phone in the foyer, picks it up... There
is no dial tone. She jiggles the base.

FATHER
(searching)
Casey? Where are you honey? Call the
police, goddammit.

MOTHER
The phone's dead.

The... the softest... faintest voice is heard...

CASEY
(from phone)
... help me...

MOTHER
She's here, God, I can hear her. Where's
my baby?

The husband returns to the foyer finding his wife clinging to the
phone.

FATHER
Where is she?

MOTHER
I can hear her. Oh Mother of God, I can
hear her.

The father upturns the living room.

FATHER
Casey! Casey!

MOTHER
Not my daughter... not my...

The husband grabs hold of his wife.
FATHER
Get in the car and drive down to the
Mackenzie's.

The other throws the front door open and rushes out... the father
moves through the house when a SCREAM echoes out. That of his
wife. He tears off for the front door.


EXT. FRONT DOOR

The father rushes out the door to find his wife, on her knees,
bent over, retching. His eyes move beyond to a tree in the front
yard... his stomach fails him... his dinner rises... as he bares
witness to the single, most horrifying sight he'll ever see.

That of his only daughter as she hangs from a big oak tree...
strung up... very much dead... her stomach ripped open.

BLACKOUT!

BEGIN MAIN TITLES

FADE IN:


INT. BEDROOM – SAME NIGHT

A teenage girl's room. Neat and pinkish. On the bed, amongst age-
old stuffed animals lie opened school books. The CAMERA PANS to a
desk against the wall where...


SIDNEY PRESCOTT

A young girl of 17, sits, her face glued to the computer monitor
in front of her.


CLOSE ON HER FACE

Sharp and clever with deep, lonely eyes. She's comfortable in a
plain, flannel nightgown.

Her hands are at work, typing feverishly, when suddenly...

CRASH-BOOM!

A noise behind her. She turns abruptly, eyeing an open window
across the room. A SCRATCHING sound. She stands and moves toward
it.


EXT. WINDOW

Sidney sticks her head out the window. The late night wind hits
her face as a SHADOW appears just to the left of her, a hand
reaches out, grabs her and suddenly a FIGURE is on top of her...
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary A teenage girl is murdered after being harassed by a mysterious caller and the aftermath takes a toll on her family.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of intense fear and urgency. It is well executed and sets up the premise of the movie."
Weaknesses "The violence and disturbing imagery may not be suitable for all audiences."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that the first scene is well-written and effectively sets up the mystery and horror to come in the rest of the film. The dialogue between the parents feels realistic and the tension is palpable as they search for their missing daughter. The use of the soft, faint voice from the phone adds to the creepiness of the situation.

The second scene introduces the protagonist, Sidney, and builds suspense as she investigates the strange noise in her room. The descriptions of her character are effective in showing her intelligence and loneliness. The sudden appearance of a figure on top of her is a good cliffhanger and leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.

Overall, the scenes are well-paced and provide a good balance of tension and characterization.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI language model, my suggestions to improve this scene are the following:

1. Consider adding more tension and suspense to the scene. The audience should feel anxious and on edge as the parents search for their missing daughter. One way to do this is to have the mother and father argue more about what to do next and how to find her.

2. The dialogue could be more realistic and emotional. When the mother realizes the phone is dead, her reaction should be stronger and more desperate. The father's search for his daughter should also be more frantic.

3. The reveal of the daughter's death could be more impactful. Instead of showing the father's reaction to seeing her body, the scene could build up to the reveal more slowly - perhaps the parents find clues or follow a trail that leads to the tree where their daughter is hanging.

4. The transition to the next scene with Sidney Prescott feels abrupt and disjointed. Consider adding a smoother transition or a more seamless connection between the two scenes.

5. Finally, consider adding more character development for Sidney. The audience should feel invested in her as a main character, and giving her some unique traits or quirks can help make her more memorable and relatable.



Scene 6 -  A Nightly Visit
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. BEDROOM

Sid SCREAMS... pulling away from the figure... breaking free,
falling back onto the floor.

VOICE (O.S.)
Hey... it's just me.

Sid looks up to see...


BILLY LOOMIS

A young, strapping boy of seventeen. Handsome and alluring. A star
quarterback/ class president type of guy. He sports a smile that
could last for days.

SIDNEY
Billy? What the...

BILLY
I'm sorry. Don't hate me.

SIDNEY
What are you doing here?

BILLY
You sleep in THAT?

Billy pulls himself through the window.

SIDNEY
(whispering)
My dad's in the other room.

BILLY
I'll only stay a sec.

Suddenly...

The bedroom door BURSTS open. The doorknob catches on the open
closet door behind it jamming it, holding it in place.

VOICE
(from behind door)
What's going on in there?

Billy quickly rolls out of sight behind the bed. Sidney unjams the
door to reveal...

MR. PRESCOTT, late 40's, a severe presence. A distracted man,
nervous and pre-occupied.

MR. PRESCOTT
Are you okay?

SIDNEY
Can you knock?
MR. PRESCOTT
I heard screaming.

SIDNEY
No you didn't.

MR. PRESCOTT
No? Oh, well... I'm hitting the sack. My
flight leaves first thing in the morning.
Now the expo runs all weekend so I won't
be back til Sunday. There's cash on the
table and I'll be staying at the Raleigh
Hilton...

SIDNEY
... out at the airport...

MR. PRESCOTT
... so call if you need me.

SIDNEY
Got it.

He gives the bedroom a quick once over.

MR. PRESCOTT
I coulda swore I heard screaming.

Sidney distracts him, giving him a peck on the cheek.

SIDNEY
Have a good trip.

MR. PRESCOTT
Sleep tight, sweetie.

He gives her a wink and pulls the door closed. Billy reappears.

BILLY
Close call.

SIDNEY
What are you doing here?

Billy takes a flying leap and lands on the bed.

BILLY
It just occurred to me that I've never
snuck through your bedroom window.

SIDNEY
Now that it's out of your system.

BILLY
And I was home, bored, watching
television, THE EXORCIST was on and it got
me thinking of you.

SIDNEY
Oh it did?
BILLY
Yeah, it was edited for TV. All the good
stuff was cut out and I started thinking
about us and how two years ago, we started
off kinda hot and heavy, a nice solid "R"
rating on our way to an NC-17. And how
things have changed and, lately, we're
just sot of... edited for television.

SIDNEY
So you thought you could sneak in my
window and we would have little bump-
bump.

BILLY
No, no. I wouldn't dream of breaking your
underwear rule. I just thought we might do
some on top of the clothes stuff.

She snuggles up next to him, planting a kiss on his lips.
Passionate and gentle. He, however, reacts like a shark, moving on
top of her, his hands everywhere as he presses into her... Sidney
breaks away.

SIDNEY
Time to go, stud bucket.

Billy sits up. His heart isn't racing... it's POUNDING.

BILLY
See what you do to me.

Sweat has popped out all over his forehead, his breathing heavy.

SIDNEY
You know what my dad will do to you?

BILLY
I'm going... I'm going.

He moves to the window. She follows, motioning to his wound.

SIDNEY
I appreciate the romantic gesture.

She gives him a kiss goodnight. Sweet and simple.

BILLY
(whisper)
Hey... about the sex stuff. I'm not trying
to rush you. I was only half serious.

She kisses him again as he eases through the window.

SIDNEY
Would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?

BILLY
What's that?
She pulls her flannel gown open for a split second... flashing her
left breast. His mouth drops open... surprise, shock. Their eyes
meet. They share a smile.

SIDNEY
Get outa here.
Genres: ["horror","teen"]

Summary Billy sneaks into Sidney's bedroom and the two engage in a flirtatious conversation, but are interrupted by Sidney's father. Billy leaves moments before Mr. Prescott arrives home from a trip
Strengths "The scene builds tension through the risk of being caught during a secret meeting. The flirtatious conversation is well-written, revealing the personalities of the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene's placement in the film is unclear. It may be setting up a plot point or theme, but it is unclear at this point in the story."
Critique Overall, this scene displays strong characterization and dialogue, but there are some areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the action lines could benefit from more descriptive language to help visualize the scene better. For example, instead of simply stating "Billy quickly rolls out of sight behind the bed," the writer could describe how Billy frantically and awkwardly scrambles to hide himself.

Additionally, the dialogue could use some trimming in order to condense the conversation and get to the point quicker. Some lines feel unnecessary or could be expressed through action instead. For example, Billy's comment about The Exorcist feels like it doesn't add much to the scene and could be cut.

Lastly, the scene could benefit from more subtext and tension in the interactions between Sidney and Billy. Right now, their back-and-forth feels too easy and lighthearted, when there should be an underlying sense of danger or risk in their forbidden relationship.

Overall, with some work on action lines and dialogue trimming, this scene could serve as a strong foundation for a tense and engaging teenage romance subplot.
Suggestions 1. Develop the characters. While the description of Billy is great, there is little background on Sidney and Mr. Prescott. Adding more depth to all characters will help to make the scene more engaging and meaningful.

2. Add tension. The scene lacks a strong sense of tension or conflict. Consider adding more obstacles or complications for the characters, like having Mr. Prescott suspecting something and staying in the room longer than expected.

3. Make the dialogue more natural. The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times. Reworking the lines to be more conversational and realistic will make the scene feel more authentic.

4. Incorporate sensory details. Adding sensory details like smells or sounds can make the scene feel more vivid and immersive for the audience.

5. Consider pacing. The scene feels a bit long and could benefit from some tightening up in post-production. Shorter scenes can help to maintain audience engagement and momentum.



Scene 7 -  The Aftermath of a Brutal Murder
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. SIDNEY'S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

CLOSE ON SIDNEY snuggling her pillow, sleeping peacefully when...

THE RADIO ALARM BLASTS from the night table loud enough to wake
the dead. Sidney bolts up.

DISC JOCKEY
(from radio)
... found brutally murdered...

CLICK. Sidney, quick with the reflexes, shuts it off instantly. A
car trunk SLAMS shut outside.

Sidney pulls herself out of bed and leans to the window just in
time to see her Dad jumping in his car. She half waves down at him
but he doesn't see her. He's as good as gone, pulling out of the
driveway and disappearing down the road.

A moment as Sidney stands at the window, staring out after him.


EXT. SCHOOL – MORNING

CLOSE ON A SIGN

"BAYBORO HIGH SCHOOL. HOME OF THE FIGHTING BULLDOGS"

THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL a picture perfect small town
school. Old and charming. Students come and go, moving about.
Nothing unusual, except for the...

... six police cars, four news vans, flashing cameras, and crowds
and crowds of lookie-loo's gathered just off campus.


EXT. SIDEWALK

Sidney approaches the school seeing the commotion. Four different
REPORTERS stand in front of four different cameras giving four
different news reports.

She moves passed a policeman standing guard. Her interest peaked,
she stops at the first reporter who is...


GALE WEATHERS

Thirties. He smart face is overshadowed by a flashy smile and a
massive mane of chemically enhanced hair.
GALE
(for the camera)
The small town of Bayboro, North Carolina
was devastated last night when two young
teenagers were found brutally butchered.
Authorities have yet to issue a statement
but our sources tell us that no arrest has
been made and the murderer could strike
again...


ON SIDNEY

Moved, disturbed. From behind, a finger taps her shoulder. She
spins around to see...

Tatum Riley, same age, feisty, carefree.

TATUM
Do you believe this shit?

SIDNEY
What happened?

They break away from the crowd and head for school.

TATUM
Oh God! You don't know? Casey Becker and
Steve Forrest were killed last night.

SIDNEY
No way.

TATUM
And not just killed, Sid. We're talking
splatter movie killed-split open end to
end.

SIDNEY
Casey Becker? She sits next to me in
English.

TATUM
Not anymore. Her parents found her hanging
from a tree. Her insides on the outside.

SIDNEY
Do they know who did it?

TATUM
Fucking clueless-they're interrogating the
entire school. Teachers, students, staff,
janitors...

SIDNEY
They think it's school-related?
TATUM
They don't know. Dewey said this is the
worst crime they've ever seen. Even worse
than...
(stopping herself)
Well it's bad. They're bringing in the
feds. This is big.

Sidney looks back at Gale, her face deeply pained.


INT. CLASSROOM – LATER

A frumpy old woman, MRS. TATE, faces her class. Her hands clasped
together. A tragic look upon her face.

MRS. TATE
... a terrible tragedy. An unbearable
loss. It's days like today we need prayer
in school...

Sidney sits near the rear of the room. The desk in front of her
sits vacant. Sidney can't take her eyes of it.

The door opens and a student opens with a slip of paper. He hand s
it to Mrs. Tate.

MRS. TATE
Sidney. It appears to be your turn.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney learns about the brutal murder of her classmate Casey and her boyfriend Steve and is deeply affected by the news. The school is in chaos as the police and reporters swarm, trying to solve the crime. Sidney attends a class where the tragedy is discussed, and it becomes clear that the impact of this event is far-reaching.
Strengths "The scene does a great job of setting the tone and establishing the horror of the crime. The dialogue between characters feels authentic, and the concept is intriguing."
Weaknesses "The pacing is slow at times, and there are a lot of characters and plot threads to keep track of."
Critique Overall, this scene sets up the central mystery of the story and establishes the tone and atmosphere of the town after the brutal murders have occurred. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, some of the character descriptions come across as clichéd and one-dimensional. For example, Gale Weathers is described as having a "flashy smile and a massive mane of chemically enhanced hair", which feels like a lazy shorthand for a tabloid journalist's appearance. Similarly, Mrs. Tate is described as "frumpy" and tragic-looking, which reduces her to a stereotype of an older, maternal figure.

Secondly, there are a few areas where the dialogue feels a little on-the-nose or exposition-heavy. For example, when Tatum tells Sidney about the murders, she describes them in graphic detail ("splatter movie killed-split open end to end"), which feels like it's designed purely to shock the audience rather than add to the realism of the scene.

Finally, while the scene does a good job of establishing the setting and tone of the story, it does not give the audience much sense of the characters or their relationships with one another beyond surface-level details. For example, we do not learn much about Sidney beyond the fact that she is affected by the murders, or about her relationship with her father beyond the fact that he leaves early in the morning.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more nuanced characterisation and dialogue.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description and specific actions to help bring the scene to life. For example, instead of just saying "Students come and go, moving about," describe specific actions students may be taking, such as rushing to class, laughing with friends, or looking worried. This will help create a more vivid and engaging scene.

2. Consider adding some dialogue between Sidney and her father in the earlier scene, to help establish their relationship and build tension. Perhaps they could have a brief conversation about the murders, with Sidney expressing her fear and her father trying to reassure her.

3. Think about adding some background information about the town and the murders, to help set the scene and build suspense. For example, you could include news reports or snippets of conversation that reveal more about the victims, the killer, and the investigation.

4. Consider adding more emotional depth to the scene, particularly in the later classroom scene. You could show Sidney struggling to come to terms with what has happened, or explore her relationships with other students and teachers in the aftermath of the tragedy.

5. Try to focus on creating a sense of tension and suspense, particularly in the later scenes at the school. Use details such as flashing cameras and crowds of people to build a sense of chaos and confusion, and keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.



Scene 8 -  Police Interrogation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

The room is at capacity... wall to wall with police, and the
likes. Some sit, stand, lean...

SHERIFF BURKE, a round man in his fifties, wipes the stress from
his face.

SHERIFF BURKE
Who's up next?

A young officer looks at the clipboard. This is DEPUTY RILEY,
better known as DEWEY. He's a big guy, 20's, handsome in a
scrubbed-clean boyish way.

DEWEY
Sidney Prescott.

Sheriff Burke gestures to bring her in. PRINCIPAL HIMBRY, 50's, an
old codger of a man wearing a sour face speaks up.

MR. HIMBRY
Sidney Prescott. She was daughter of...

DEWEY
We all know Sidney, Mr. Himbry.

SHERIFF BURKE
How she doin'?
MR. HIMBRY
She's adjusted well. Maintains an "A"
average. You never know she...

Himbry stops short, seeing Sidney in the doorway. He rises and
seats her.

SHERIFF BURKE
Hi Sidney.

SIDNEY
Sheriff Burke. Dewey.

Dewey shakes his head seriously.

DEWEY
It's Deputy Riley today, Sid.

SHERIFF BURKE
How is everything?

SIDNEY
Good.

SHERIFF BURKE
And your Dad? How's he doing?

SIDNEY
We're fine. Thanks.

MR. HIMBRY
We'll be brief, Sidney. The police have a
few questions they'd like to ask you...

Sidney eyes them all nervously.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Sidney is brought in for police questioning regarding the murders at school.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Good pacing
Weaknesses
  • No major plot development
  • Limited character interactions
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets the tone for a tense situation. However, a few small adjustments could make it even stronger.

First of all, the stage directions could use some more specific details to enhance the visual image of the scene. For example, what kind of furniture is in the room? Are there any windows, and what time of day is it? Adding these types of details can help the reader/viewer to feel more present in the moment.

Additionally, some of the dialogue could be trimmed down or rephrased to make it sound more natural. For example, when Mr. Himbry says "She was daughter of...", it might sound more natural to say "She's the daughter of...". Additionally, the line "We all know Sidney, Mr. Himbry" feels a bit awkward and could be reworded for more clarity.

Finally, the last line of the scene could be strengthened to give more of a sense of what Sidney is feeling. Instead of just saying she eyes them nervously, you could use more specific language to convey her anxiety and apprehension. For example, "Sidney's hands shake as she looks around at the sea of stern faces, her heart racing with fear." This would give the scene more emotional weight and help the audience to connect more deeply with Sidney's experience.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more visual description: When describing the room, include specific details such as the color of the walls, the furniture, and the decorations. This can help create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind and make the scene more engaging.

2. Make the dialogue more dynamic: Right now, the dialogue is fairly flat and straightforward. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the conversation by having characters disagree or interrupt each other. This can help make the scene more interesting and create a sense of urgency.

3. Add some backstory: We learn a little bit about Sidney and her father, but it would be helpful to know more about their relationship and what happened to her mother (if applicable). This can provide more context for the story and make the characters more complex and interesting.

4. Consider changing the setting: The principal's office is a fairly generic location. Consider setting the scene in a more unique or interesting place, such as a police station or a crime scene. This can help create a more striking visual and make the scene stand out.

5. Develop the characters more: Right now, we don't know much about Sheriff Burke, Dewey, or Mr. Himbry other than their basic physical descriptions. Consider giving them more distinct personalities and backstories to make them more memorable and interesting.



Scene 9 -  Schoolyard Gossip
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD – LATER

Students sit at outdoor tables eating lunch. Crowded at one table
is the "gang". This consists of Sidney, Billy and Tatum.

Next to Tatum, sits her boyfriend STUART, with his arm draped
across her back. He's a Billy wannabe. Almost the jock, almost
handsome, almost cool. He tries way to hard.

Across the table is the fifth wheel, RANDY. A tall and gangly kid
with no such Billy-like aspirations. A witty jokester who elevates
geek to coolness.

TATUM
Hunt? Why would they ask if you like to
hunt?

STU
I don't know, they just did.

RANDY
Because their bodies were gutted.
Sidney flinches.

BILLY
Thanks Randy.

TATUM
They didn't ask me if I like to hunt.

STU
Because there's no way a girl could have
killed them.

TATUM
That is so sexist. The killer could easily
be female – BASIC INSTINCT.

RANDY
That was an ice pick. Not exactly the
same.

STU
Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely
hollowed out. Takes a man to do something
like that.

TATUM
Or a man's mentality.

SIDNEY
(quiet, almost to herself)
How do you gut someone?

All eyes turn to Sidney. A serious silence. And then:

STU
You take a knife and slit from the groin
to the sternum.

Sidney shivers down to her soul. The whole table rolls their eyes
at Stu.

STU
What? She asked.

BILLY
It's called tact, you fuckrag.

STU
Sorry.

RANDY
Remember in JAWS when they caught the
wrong shark at first and Richard Dreyfuss
cut it open to look foe body parts and all
they found was a licence plate and all
this white milky goo.

Stu leans over and socks Randy in the arm.
STU
You heard Billy. Shut the fuck up.

SIDNEY
Hey, Stu? Didn't you use to date Casey?

Stu's taken back, a little off guard.

STU
For about two seconds.

RANDY
Before she dumped him foe Steve.

Tatum turns to Stu, surprised.

TATUM
I thought you dumped her for me.

STU
I did. He's full of shit.

RANDY
And are the police aware you dated the
victim?

STU
(offended)
What are you saying? That I killed her or
something?

RANDY
It would certainly improve your high
school Q.

TATUM
Stu was with me last night.

RANDY
Oooooh... before or after he sliced and
diced.

TATUM
Fuck you, nut case. Where were you last
night?

RANDY
Working, thank you.

TATUM
I thought Blockbuster fired you.

RANDY
Twice.

STU
I didn't kill anybody.

BILLY
No one's saying you did.
RANDY
Besides.
(perfect Stu mimic)
"Takes a man to do something like that."

STU
I'm gonna gut your ass in a second.

RANDY
(to Stu)
Did you really put her liver in the
mailbox? I hear they found her liver in
the mailbox.

TATUM
(eyeing Sidney)
Randy, you goon-fuck, I'm eating here.

Stu nibbles at Tatum's neck.

STU
Yeah, Randy, she's getting mad. I think
you better liver alone.

Stu cracks up at his own joke. The others just MOAN. Sidney is
about to crawl out of her skin, trying hard to ignore it all.


EXT. SIDNEY'S HOUSE – LATER

A huge two story country home with a spacious lawn.

A yellow school bus stops in front of the house and Sidney steps
off.

The house looks big and lonely as Sidney moves up the walk to the
front door.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Teen"]

Summary Sidney and her friends discuss the recent murders at their school, while also dealing with personal drama. Later, Sidney arrives home to her spacious and eerie house.
Strengths "The witty banter between the characters is entertaining and reveals their personalities. The sense of tension and unease is established well through dialogue and setting."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue could be seen as insensitive or inappropriate considering the seriousness of the situation. The scene could benefit from more focus on Sidney's emotional response to the murders."
Critique This scene sets up the characters well, but it is lacking in conflict. It is mostly just banter and exposition. There is a hint of tension when Sidney flinches at the mention of gutting, but this is quickly quelled by Stu's tactless explanation. The dialogue feels a bit forced at times, especially when characters are making references to movies that seem unrelated to the conversation.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more purposeful conflict. Maybe throw in some foreshadowing that hints at the danger to come. Additionally, it might be helpful to give each character a clear goal or motivation in the scene. What are they trying to get out of their conversation at the lunch table? What do they want from each other?

The description of Sidney's house at the end of the scene feels a bit shoehorned in. It seems like it's meant to establish a creepy atmosphere, but it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the scene, which is mostly light and bantering.

In short, this scene has potential, but it needs more conflict and purposeful action to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to add more suspense and tension by incorporating more foreshadowing of the killer's identity. For example, instead of just having the characters discuss the murders and their theories, maybe there could be subtle clues or hints that point to one of them potentially being the killer.

Additionally, the dialogue between the characters could be tightened up to make it more natural and authentic. Some of the lines come across as forced and unnecessary, so removing those and focusing on the more important points of the conversation could make the scene flow better and feel more engaging.

Finally, the scene could benefit from some visual details to help establish the setting and mood. Rather than just describing the school courtyard and Sidney's house, adding in specific details like the weather or the state of the surrounding environment could help set the tone for the scene and draw the viewer in more effectively.



Scene 10 -  Sidney's Escape
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. BEDROOM – LATER

Sidney is on the telephone.

SIDNEY
(into phone)
You sure I can stay over? My dad won't be
back til Sunday.

TATUM
(through phone)
No prob. I'll pick you up after practice.

SIDNEY
Tell your mom I said thanks.

TATUM
Yeah, yeah... are you okay?
SIDNEY
Uh-huh, it's just... you know, the police
and reporters... it brings it all back.

TATUM
I'll be there by seven. I promise

SIDNEY
Thanks, Tatum.

TATUM
Later.

Sidney hangs up. She takes a seat at her computer and boots it up.
She sits in front of it staring at the blue screen... her own
reflection staring back.


INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER

Sidney comes down the stairs, her arms carrying a change of
clothes, toothbrush, make-up...

She opens the hall closet and pulls a small overnight bag from the
top shelf. Moving into the living room she loads it up, plopping
down on the sofa, hitting the TV remote.


CLOSE ON THE SCREEN

A news reporter fades in.

REPORTER #1
(on TV)
The entire nation was shocked today by the
teen murders in North Carolina...

Sidney switches channels.

REPORTER #2
The State Bureau of Investigation has
joined forces with local authorities to
help catch what the Governor has called
the most heinous...

The channel switches again. Gale weathers appears, standing in
front of the school. Her white teeth gleaming.

GALE
This is not the first time the small town
of Bayboro has endured such tragedy. Only
a year ago, Maureen Prescott, wife and
mother, was found raped and murdered...

An old black and white snapshot fills the screen-a woman,
beautiful and familiar.
CLOSE ON SIDNEY

Eyes frozen, mesmerized by the image. Suddenly she CLICKS the TV
off. Her eyes go to the clock on the end table. 5:45 PM. Her eyes
then move to the framed photo next to it... the same black and
white photo stares at her... a healthy, vibrant woman. An older
version of Sidney.

Sidney curls up on the sofa closing her eyes tight...
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Sidney plans to stay over at her friend Tatum's house and is deeply affected by the news of her classmates' murder.
Strengths "Effective in building tension and portraying the aftermath of a tragic event. Provides some insight into Sidney's character."
Weaknesses "Limited character development and dialogue."
Critique First and foremost, the scene lacks clear direction and purpose. It starts with Sidney on the phone with her friend, but there is no clear indication of what the call is about or what they are discussing. Additionally, there are no visual cues to suggest where Sidney is or what her surroundings look like.

The dialogue between Sidney and Tatum feels forced and stilted, lacking any real emotional depth or authenticity. It does not effectively convey the trauma that Sidney is experiencing after the murder of her mother.

The scene then jumps to Sidney packing a bag in the living room, but here again, there is no clear direction or purpose. It feels like a series of disconnected actions without any real narrative driving it forward.

The use of the TV news reporter as a device to remind the audience of the murders feels contrived and unnatural. The mention of Sidney's mother being raped and murdered is particularly callous, without offering any real insight or emotional depth into how Sidney is dealing with the aftermath of such a heinous crime.

Overall, this scene needs a clearer sense of purpose and narrative direction, with more authentic dialogue and emotional depth to give it meaning and weight in the context of the story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are my suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider adding more action and visual descriptions to break up the dialogue-heavy scene. This will make the scene more interesting to watch on screen. For example, as Sidney is on the phone, she could be packing her bag or pacing the room.

- Create more tension and conflict in the scene to drive the plot forward. Maybe Sidney is hesitant to stay with Tatum because she suspects Tatum could be the killer. Or maybe Tatum is acting suspicious on the phone, making Sidney uneasy.

- Consider adding more emotion to the scene. This is a pivotal moment in the film as Sidney is grappling with the trauma of the past. Perhaps she breaks down in tears or shows a physical reaction to the news report she watches on TV.

- Consider adding backstory to Sidney's character. The black and white photo could be a great opportunity to reveal more about Sidney's past and her relationship with her mother. This will give the audience a better understanding of Sidney's motivations and make them more invested in her character arc throughout the film.



Scene 11 -  Phone Call From The Killer
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER

The clock on the end table reads 7:15 PM. Sidney is fast asleep on
the couch. The phone RINGS. Sidney leaps up grabbing the portable
phone.

TATUM
(from phone)
Practice ran late. I'm on my way.

SIDNEY
(eyes clock)
It's past seven.

TATUM
Don't worry. Casey and Steve didn't bite
it til way after ten.

SIDNEY
I'm not worried.

TATUM
Good, 'cause I wanna swing by BLOCKBUSTER
and get us a video. I was thinkin' Tom
Cruise in ALL THE RIGHT MOVES. You know,
if you pause it just right you can see his
penis.

SIDNEY
Whatever. Just hurry.

TATUM
Bye.

She hangs up the phone. It immediately RINGS again.

SIDNEY
(into phone)
Tatum?

MAN'S VOICE
(from phone)
Hello, Sidney.

IT'S HIM. THE VOICE FROM BEFORE.

SIDNEY
Hi. Who is this?
MAN
You tell me.

Sidney thinks, trying to place his voice. It sounds a little
distorted.

SIDNEY
I have no idea.

MAN
Scary night, isn't it? With the murders
and all, it's like right out of a horror
movie or something.

SIDNEY
Aha, Randy, you gave yourself away. Are
you calling from work? Tatum's on her way
over.

MAN
Do you like scary movies, Sidney?

SIDNEY
I like that thing you're doing with your
voice, Randy. It's sexy.

MAN
What's your favorite scary movie?

SIDNEY
Don't start. You know I don't watch that
shit.

MAN
And why is that?

SIDNEY
(playing along)
Because they're all the same. It's always
some stupid killer stalking some big
breasted girl, who can't act, who always
runs up the stairs when she should be
going out the front door. They're
ridiculous.

A brief silence.

MAN
Are you alone in the house?

SIDNEY
That is so unoriginal. You disappoint me,
Randy.

MAN
Maybe that's because I'm not Randy.

SIDNEY
So who are you?
MAN
The question is not who am I. The question
is where am I?

SIDNEY
So where are you?

MAN
Your front porch.

This gives her pause. She moves to the window and pulls aside the
drapes.

SIDNEY
Why would you call me from my front porch?

MAN
That's the original part.


ANGLE THROUGH WINDOW

She can't quite see all of the porch.

SIDNEY
Oh yeah? Well I call your bluff.

Sidney goes to the front door. She unlocks the bolt, unsnags the
chain, and pulls the door open... revealing the front porch...

COMPLETELY EMPTY.

She steps out onto it, phone still in hand. A single light shines
overhead illuminating the porch, but little beyond. Darkness is
all around.

SIDNEY
So where are you?

MAN
Right here.

Sidney peers out into the darkness past thick shrubs that grow on
either side of the porch.

SIDNEY
Can you see me right now?

MAN
Uh-huh.

SIDNEY
What am I doing?

She sticks her finger up her nose, pretending to pick. Silence. No
answer.

SIDNEY
Good try, Randy. Tell Tatum to hurry. Bye
now.
MAN
If you hang up, you'll die just like your
mother.

Sidney stops dead in her tracks, speechless.

MAN
(deadly)
Do you want to die, Sidney? Your mother
didn't.

His seriousness unnerves her. Sid flies off the handle.

SIDNEY
FUCK YOU! YOU CRETIN!

She hangs up on him. Moves back inside the house. Locks, chains,
and bolts the door when...


A FIGURE COMES LEAPING OUT OF THE HALL CLOSET

Rushing her, ramming into her side... the phone flies... the
Figure is on top of her as she goes down... SCREAMING...

She looks up to see the Figure, darkly dressed with a pale,
distorted face, white and ghostly... a mask.

Her instincts surface and she kicks up with her foot making the
contact with his leg... he topples over... coming right at her,
his hand finding her neck. Suddenly, along, silver blade appears
above her.

Sidney pulls, jerks, twists... finally she lifts her torso forward
knocking the Figure off her... sending him reeling into the living
room. Wasting no time, Sidney leaps to her feet.

She moves to the front door, unlocks it... pulls it open... it
catches on the chain. Shit! She pushes it closed again looking
behind her...the Figure has risen, knife in hand.

Sidney pulls on the chain and then inexplicably turns and...

RUNS UP THE STAIRS. The Figure right behind her.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney receives a threatening phone call from a stranger during which her personal fears and familial history are exploited. Ultimately, she is attacked by the mysterious figure in her home.
Strengths "The scene builds suspense and fear effectively, and the phone conversation serves to create tension. Sidney's character is compelling and her actions feel believable. "
Weaknesses "The dialogue between Sidney and the killer at times feels formulaic, and some of the beats in the action sequence feel predictable."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear sense of tension and suspense, with the phone calls and eventual attack building the anxiety of the moment. However, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, some of the dialogue feels a little forced and unrealistic, particularly when Tatum is talking about a Tom Cruise movie and Sidney's reaction to it. It distracts from the serious nature of the scene and takes away from the tension. Additionally, the reveal of the killer coming out of the hall closet feels a little cliche and predictable, as it has been done in many horror movies before. However, the way the scene unfolds after the attack, with Sidney's quick thinking and escape up the stairs, is well done and adds to the intensity of the situation. Overall, it's a solid scene, but could benefit from some tweaks to make the dialogue and reveal of the killer more unique and engaging.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and exciting, but here are some suggestions to make it even more effective:

1. Establish suspense earlier on in the scene. As it is, the scene starts with Sidney already asleep and the phone ringing. Consider starting with Sidney awake, feeling uneasy, and hearing the phone for the first time. This will create a sense of tension before the killer even appears.

2. Create more tension in the phone call. While the banter between Sidney and the killer is good, it could benefit from more gradual escalation. Start with innocuous questions about scary movies and build up to more threatening ones about Sidney's safety.

3. Make the showdown with the killer more physically intense. While the fight between Sidney and the killer is well-written, it could benefit from more vivid descriptions of their movements and actions. Consider emphasizing Sidney's fear and desperation as she fights for her life.

4. Add more sensory details. By describing the lighting, sounds, and sensations more vividly, you can create a more immersive experience for the audience. Consider emphasizing the darkness outside the porch or the sounds of Sidney's breathing as she runs up the stairs.

5. Build up to the final reveal more slowly. While it's effective to have the killer leap out of the closet, consider delaying the reveal of the mask to create even more suspense. This could involve more lingering shots of the killer's obscured face, or a slower reveal of the figure as he approaches Sidney.



Scene 12 -  Sidney's Close Call
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING

The Figure leaps at Sidney taking hold of her foot, she grabs
madly at the wall... her hands grasp a framed painting, a quiet
country home, subdued colors, done in oils-she rips it from the
wall swinging it behind her...

It catches the Figure head on, smashing against his skull, sending
him backwards, tumbling down the stairs. Sidney races to her
bedroom...
INT. BEDROOM

She locks the door shut, the pulls her closet door open, placing
the edge right at the door knob just as...

THE FIGURE POUNDS AGAINST THE BEDROOM DOOR...

... ramming it, it rips open, but the closet door catches it in a
crazy vice-like hold.

Sidney grabs the desk phone. It's dead... off the hook downstairs.

The figure rushes the door several times... the frame splinters...
but won't give.

Sidney is at her computer, she punches at the keypad madly.


CLOSE ON SCREEN AS WORDS APPEAR

"FAX MODEM

9-1-1 SEND"

The knife slashes through the crack in the door wildly.


ON SCREEN AGAIN

"HELP KILLER

34 ELM ST"

Sidney presses "SEND" when it occurs to her-all is quiet. The
Figure is gone. A fearful silence. She looks around... the only
sound her own rapid, terrified BREATHING.


ON THE SCREEN

"Stay calm. Police enroute."

Suddenly a NOISE at the window... Sidney looks up to see...


BILLY

Her boyfriend, staring at her, surprised.

SIDNEY
Oh Billy... Please... God...

BILLY
I heard screaming. The door was locked.
Are you okay...

SIDNEY
He's here. He's trying to kill me...
Billy pulls himself through the window. As he does, a small black
object falls from his dark jeans. It hits the floor as Sidney eyes
it... a sleek, compact cellular phone.

Sidney stops in her tracks. Their eyes meet... an eternity. A
SIREN is heard in the distance. Sidney bolts...

BILLY
Hey... wait... what's goin...

Billy reaches for her. Sidney unblocks the bedroom door and tears
out of the room.


INT. LANDING

Sidney nearly falls down the stairs...


INT. FOYER

She rips the chain off the door, pulls it open, coming face to
face with a white, ghostly mask.

A massive SCREAM erupts from her gut as...

THE CAMERA PULLS BACK to find Dewey-Deputy Riley, holding it. Red
lights flash, sirens BLAST vas car after car surrounds the house.

Sidney falls into the safety of Dewey's arms.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney narrowly escapes an attack from the killer in her home and manages to call 911 for help. Her boyfriend Billy comes to her aid, but drops a suspicious phone, making Sidney question his involvement. The scene ends with the police arriving to her rescue.
Strengths "Intense suspense and action, effective use of setting and props, strong emotional impact on the protagonist and audience"
Weaknesses "Slightly predictable plot developments, some implausible character actions"
Critique Overall, the scene has solid pacing and tension-building. However, there are a few elements that could be improved upon or clarified.

Firstly, it would be helpful for the reader to understand who or what exactly the "Figure" is. Is it the killer? Someone else? A clearer description would help.

Secondly, the use of on-screen text to show Sidney's actions on the computer feels somewhat dated. This could potentially be conveyed through visuals or dialogue instead.

Lastly, the reveal of Billy having a cell phone might benefit from more foreshadowing or buildup. As it stands, it feels somewhat abrupt and confusing.

Overall, the scene effectively creates suspense and urgency, but could benefit from further revision to clarify some of its details.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the Figure's appearance and motives: The scene would benefit from some more description of the Figure. What does he look like? What is his motive for attacking Sidney? Adding some more detail can make the scene more suspenseful and give the audience a better understanding of what is happening.

2. Show more of Sidney's emotions: While the scene is action-packed, it would be beneficial to show more of Sidney's emotional state. How does she feel about being attacked? Is she scared? Angry? Adding a bit more complexity to her character can make her more relatable to the audience.

3. Add more context to Billy's arrival: Billy's entrance into the scene seems a bit abrupt. Adding some more context as to why he's there and what his intentions are can make the scene less confusing.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene is very fast-paced, which can be effective, but it might be beneficial to slow down some of the action to give the audience a chance to catch their breath and take in what is happening.

5. Add some more description to the setting: While the scene is set in a house, it would be helpful to give a bit more description of the house and the setting in general. This can help to create a more immersive environment for the audience.



Scene 13 -  Police Arrival
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FRONT YARD – MINUTES LATER

The yard is a whirlwind of activity. An ambulance, squad cars,
cops everywhere...


CLOSE ON BILLY'S FACE

As it SMASHES against the hood of a police car. His hands are
being cuffed, his rights being read.

BILLY
(screaming)
I didn't do anything! Sid... where's Sid?
Ask her, she'll tell ya...

Dewey holds a car door open as Sheriff Burke steps out.

DEWEY
We got him, Sheriff. Billy Loomis.

SHERIFF BURKE
Hank Loomis' kid? Aw... Jesus...

DEWEY
He's her boyfriend.

They approach Billy as he's being placed in a squad car.
BILLY
Sheriff... I didn't do it... please, call
my Dad...please...

The squad car disappears with Billy as another car comes to a stop
in front of the house. Tatum gets out, freaked beyond belief.

Back to the Sheriff and Dewey as they storm across the yard.

DEWEY
I was first to respond.

SHERIFF BURKE
What were you doing out here?

DEWEY
Drive by patrol.

SHERIFF BURKE
How is she?

DEWEY
She's tough.

SHERIFF BURKE
Have to be. The shit she's gone through.

Across the yard sits Sidney, in the back of an ambulance as
PARAMEDICS check her out.

Sheriff Burke and Riley approach.

SHERIFF BURKE
We're seeing a lot of you today.

She tries to smile but fails.

DEWEY
You gonna be able to come down to the
station and talk to us a bit?

SIDNEY
... yeah...

Tatum appears, barreling past an OFFICER.

TATUM
What happened? Oh God...

Tatum rushes to her, grabbing hold of her.

DEWEY
(to Tatum)
What are you doing here?

TATUM
Oh, God, Sid, I'm sorry I was late.
DEWEY
You can't be here, Tatum. This is an
official crime scene.

SIDNEY
It's okay. She was supposed to pick me up.

TATUM
Her dad's out of town. She's staying with
us.

DEWEY
Does mom know?

TATUM
Yes, you doofus.

Two news vans come driving up the street.

SHERIFF BURKE
The vultures are coming. Let's get you out
of here.


EXT. STREET

A big, white news van comes to a stop in front of the house. The
side door slides open and Gale Weathers hops out just in time to
see Sidney being escorted to a squad car.

GALE
I'll be damned.

Jumping from the driver's seat is KENNY, Gale's cameraman and
flunky. An earnest young chap on the chubby side.

KENNY
What? What?

GALE
Jesus! The camera-hurry!

But it's too late. Sidney is as good as gone. Gale sees Tatum
moving quickly to her car.

GALE
Excuse me?

Tatum looks up to see Gale Weathers rushing her.

GALE
Was that Sidney Prescott they took away?

TATUM
I don't know.

Tatum hops in her car, ignoring her.

GALE
What happened to her?
TATUM
I'm not talking to you.

Tatum's car peels out as Kenny comes running up with his camera.

KENNY
Where'd she go?

Gale spins around, flashing her pearly whites.

GALE
Look, Kenny, I know you're about fifty
pounds overweight but when I say hurry
please interpret that as... MOVE YOUR FAT
TUB OF LARD ASS NOW!

Gale moves back to the van leaving Kenny miffed.


INT. POLICE STATION

A small town station. The bull pen is a little square room with
four desks and tonight. It's hopping. Cops everywhere.


INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE

Sidney sits at a desk drinking a cup of water. She wears the
Sheriff's jacket over her shoulders. Dewey approaches.

SIDNEY
Did you reach my Dad?

DEWEY
You're sure it was the Hilton?

SIDNEY
At the airport.

DEWEY
He's not registered. Could he have gone to
another hotel?

SIDNEY
I don't know. I guess.

DEWEY
We'll find him, Sid. Don't worry.

Sidney stares blankly, numb.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The police arrive at Sidney's house after she narrowly escapes an attack from the killer. Billy is arrested and taken into custody as Tatum arrives. Sidney is checked on by paramedics and agrees to talk to the police. Gale Weathers also arrives, trying to get information for her news broadcast.
Strengths "Intense conflict and emotional impact"
Weaknesses "Some weak dialogue and predictable plot developments"
Critique The scene sets a tense atmosphere with a lot of action happening, however, it could benefit from more visual and sensory details. For example, the description of the whirlwind of activity in the yard could be more specific in what exactly is happening and how it looks and sounds.

The dialogue between the characters feels natural and moves the plot forward, with the reveal that Billy Loomis is Sid's boyfriend adding a layer of intrigue. However, the dialogue could be improved with more subtext and character nuance to make it more interesting and layered.

Overall, the scene serves its purpose in advancing the plot and creating tension, but could benefit from more descriptive details and nuanced dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to be progressing well in terms of moving the plot forward and introducing new characters. However, here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Add some more sensory detail to the setting. The scene takes place in a chaotic and tense environment, so adding some details about the sounds, smells, and sights could heighten the tension and immerse the audience in the scene.

2. Consider adding more physical action or movements for the characters to do during the dialogue. Right now, a lot of the dialogue is delivered while the characters are standing still or sitting at a desk. Adding some more movement, such as pacing or gesturing, could visually break up the scene and make it more dynamic.

3. Add more conflict or tension between the characters in the scene. Right now, most of the characters seem to be getting along or communicating calmly, which doesn't fully capture the tension and drama of the situation. Consider adding some more confrontational dialogue or moments of conflict between the characters to increase the drama and stakes of the scene.

4. Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for the characters. Right now, most of the dialogue is straightforward information-sharing, which doesn't give much insight into the characters' inner worlds. Adding some more internal thoughts or emotions could make the scene more compelling and deepen the audience's investment in the characters.



Scene 14 -  Interrogation and Confrontation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE

Billy sits opposite Sheriff Burke. Next to Billy, sits his father,
HANK LOOMIS, an older version of Billy.

SHERIFF BURKE
What are you doing with a cellular
telephone, son?
MR. LOOMIS
It's my phone. He was just playing around
with it.

SHERIFF BURKE
You got some ideas of playing around, boy.

BILLY
I didn't call anyone with it. I just took
it for fun.

MR. LOOMIS
Everybody's got one now. Why don't you
check the phone bill for chrissakes. Call
my carrier AirFone Comp. They'll have
records of every number dialed.

SHERIFF BURKE
Thank you, Hank. We're on it. What were
you doing out at Sidney's tonight?

BILLY
I just wanted to see her, that's all.

SHERIFF BURKE
You rode your bike out there?

BILLY
Yes, sir.

SHERIFF BURKE
And last night? Sidney said you crawled
through her window last night too?

MR. LOOMIS
(surprised)
You were out last night?

BILLY
I watched TV for awhile but the I felt
like going for a bike ride.

SHERIFF BURKE
Did you ride past Casey Becker's house?

BILLY
No, I didn't. I didn't kill anyone,
Sheriff.

SHERIFF BURKE
We're gonna have to keep you, Billy. The
governor's got SBI, FBI, and god knows who
else on their way down here.

Billy fights tears.

BILLY
This is crazy. I didn't do it.

Sheriff Burke eyes him up and down, very carefully.
INT. POLICE BULL PEN – MINUTES LATER

Tatum has joined Sidney. The sheriff's door opens and Billy is led
out by a coupla UNIFORMS. Burke and Dewey appear in the door
watching Tatum comfort Sidney.


OUT OF EAR SHOT

DEWEY
That ghost mask is sold at both Kroger's
and WalMart. Neither of which keep
purchase records.

SHERIFF BURKE
What about the cellular phone bill?

DEWEY
They're pulling Loomis' account. But it'll
be morning before we see something. You
think he did it?

SHERIFF BURKE
Twenty years ago I woulda said not a
chance. But these kids today... damn if I
know.

TATUM (O.S.)
Hey... Dewey. Can we go now?

DEWEY
Hold up a sec...

SHERIFF BURKE
She staying with you?

DEWEY
We haven't located her Dad yet.

TATUM (O.S.)
Goddammit, Dewey!

Dewey turns to her, his face red.

DEWEY
What did Mama tell you? When I wear this
badge you treat me like a man of the law.

TATUM
I'm sorry, Deputy Dewey-boy but we're
ready to go.

SHERIFF BURKE
Use the back way. Avoid the circus.
EXT. POLICE STATION – SIDE DOOR

The door opens and Sidney, Tatum, Dewey, and a coupla OFFICERS
exit avoiding the horde of REPORTERS that can be seen around the
corner waiting anxiously at the front entrance.

DEWEY
I'll get the car. Wait here.

Dewey takes off. From the darkness of the alley, Gale Weathers
appears with Kenny and his camera. They've been waiting.

GALE
Hello Sidney.

Sidney spins around to see Gale, standing, smiling at her.
Sidney's body tightens and her face goes taut.

GALE
Some night. Are you alright?

Their eyes meet in cold familiar stare. Sidney says nothing. She's
visibly shaking.

GALE
What happened?

TATUM
She's not answering any questions. Just
leave us alone, okay?

SIDNEY
It's okay, Tatum. She's just doing her
job. Right, GALE?

GALE
Yes, that's right.

Dewey, in a squad car, turns into the alley and pulls up. The
other news people have wisened up. They begin to flock the alley.

SIDNEY
How's the book?

GALE
It'll be out later this year.

Sidney tries to contain herself...squeezing a clenched fist.

SIDNEY
I'll look for it.

GALE
I'll send you a copy.

In a blurred, unexpected instant, Sidney brings her fist forward,
SMASHING it hard into Gale Weathers's face. The impact sends Gale
reeling backwards, knocking into Kenny as they both tumble to the
pavement.
ON SIDNEY

... breathing deep, a sense of satisfaction on her face.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Sheriff Burke questions Billy and Hank Loomis. Billy denies killing anyone. Tatum comforts Sidney. Dewey and Sheriff Burke discuss the investigation. Gale Weathers tries to interview Sidney but gets punched by her.
Strengths "The tension and suspense build as the investigation continues, which adds to the overall sense of unease and dread. The confrontation between Sidney and Gale Weathers is a satisfying moment that empowers Sidney's character."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit clich\u00e9 and predictable. The pacing may feel slow to some viewers."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be well-written and effectively moves the plot forward. The dialogue is mostly natural and realistic, although there are a few moments where the characters seem to be delivering exposition rather than having a genuine conversation (such as when Mr. Loomis suggests checking the phone bill). Additionally, there are a few moments where the characters' motivations or emotions are not fully clear, such as when Sidney punches Gale Weathers at the end.

One potential area for improvement would be to make the characters' voices more distinct. With the exception of Mr. Loomis, who seems to have a slightly folksy way of speaking, all of the characters in the scene sound fairly similar. Adding more individuality to their speech patterns could help flesh out their personalities and make the dialogue more engaging for the reader.

Overall, though, this scene is well-crafted and serves its purpose effectively within the larger story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the plot forward. However, here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Show instead of tell: When Billy's father suggests checking the phone bill to look for a record of every number dialed, have Sheriff Burke make the call right then and there. This will add a sense of immediacy and show the audience that the investigation is actively progressing.

2. Use more action and movement: Most of the scene takes place with characters sitting and talking. To make it more visually interesting, consider having characters move around the room, interact with objects in the environment, or show non-verbal communication (such as eye contact or body language).

3. Add more tension and conflict: While there is conflict between Billy and Sheriff Burke, it could be heightened by having Billy be more defensive or combative. Similarly, adding tension between Tatum and Dewey (or between Gale and Sidney) could make the scene more emotionally charged.

4. Make the ending more impactful: The scene abruptly ends with Sidney punching Gale in the face. Consider adding more dialogue or action to show the aftermath of this moment, such as Dewey trying to restrain a now-furious Sidney or Gale getting up and threatening legal action.



Scene 15 -  Aftermath of the Attack
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. TATUM'S BEDROOM – LATER

A spacious bedroom. Typical. Tatum and Sidney lay on the bed. They
both wear night shirts.

TATUM
God, I loved it. "I'll send you a copy."
BAM! Bitch went down. "I'll send you a
copy." BAM! Sid – SuperBitch!

Dewey appears in the doorway holding a bag of ice.

DEWEY
I thought you might want some ice for that
right hook.

Sidney sits up, takes the ice, and puts it on her hand.

DEWEY
I'll be right next door. Try to get some
sleep.

Dewey moves back out the door.

SIDNEY
Any word on my Dad?

DEWEY
(turning to her)
Not yet, but we're looking. If you need
anything...

TATUM
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Dewey smiles, pulling the door closed on his way out. Sidney lies
back down.

SIDNEY
Just another sleepover at the Riley's.

TATUM
Just like old times, ain't it?

SIDNEY
No, nothing's like it used to be.

Sidney rolls over at her side, away from Tatum.

A telephone RINGS somewhere in the house.

TATUM
Do you really think Billy did it?
SIDNEY
He was there, Tatum.

TATUM
I knew this guy was too perfect. He was
destined to have a flaw.

A KNOCK at the door. It opens and a friendly, graying woman pops
in. This is MAMA RILEY. She wears a comforting smile.

MAMA RILEY
Telephone, dear.

TATUM
Who is it?

MAMA RILEY
It's for Sid

SIDNEY
My Dad?

Mama Riley shakes her head sadly.

TATUM
Take a message.

SIDNEY
It's alright. I'll get it.

Sidney takes off out the door. Mama Riley motions to Tatum.

MAMA RILEY
(whispers)
How is she?

Tatum shrugs.


INT. HALLWAY

Sidney grabs the phone at the end of the hall.

SIDNEY
Hello?

MAN
(from phone)
Hello Sidney.

IT'S HIM. The CAMERA does a Hitchcock as Sidney's entire body goes
weak... his VOICE moving through her... invading her. She CRIES
OUT.

SIDNEY
NOOOOOO...

Mama Riley turns in the doorway. Tatum comes bolting out of the
bedroom.
MAN
(from phone)
Poor Billy-boyfriend. An innocent guy
doesn't stand a chance with you.

SIDNEY
LEAVEMEALONE!

MAN
Looks like you fingered the wrong guy...
again.

SIDNEY
Who are you?

TATUM
Hang up, Sid.

MAN
Don't worry. You'll find out soon enough.
I promise.

Mama Riley BEATS on a closed bedroom door.

MAMA RILEY
Dewey! Dewey!

MAN
This is gonna be fun, Sidney. Just like
old times.

CLICK.

Dewey flies out of his room wearing only his boxers... holding his
gun.

DEWEY
What? What?

The phone goes dead. Sidney stands frozen.


EXT. BAYBORO MAIN STREET – DAWN – ESTABLISHING

The morning sun shines high over Bayboro Townsquare. Cars come to
life, townsfolk stir as the picture postcard community awakens
from a restless sleep.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney narrowly escapes an attack from the killer and manages to call 911 for help. Her boyfriend Billy is arrested. Gale Weathers tries to interview Sidney but gets punched by her. Police arrive at Sidney's house.
Strengths "Tension is high throughout the scene, with multiple characters interacting and intersecting in various ways. Sidney's emotional distress is palpable and the conflict between the characters adds to the suspense of the scene."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit flat and predictable, particularly in the interactions between Sheriff Burke and Billy."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but there are a few areas where improvements could be made.

Firstly, the action and dialogue could be tightened up in the beginning. The first few lines of dialogue between Tatum and Sidney don't really add much to the scene and could be shortened. Additionally, the introduction of Dewey feels slightly abrupt and could benefit from a bit more context or clarification.

Secondly, the introduction of Mama Riley feels like a missed opportunity for character development. She could be given more of a backstory or personality to make her feel like a more fleshed-out character rather than just a plot device to offer information or deliver a message.

Finally, the reveal of the killer's voice at the end feels slightly rushed. It's a major revelation that could benefit from a bit more build-up or tension. Perhaps the scene could be extended or restructured to add more weight to this reveal.

Overall, the scene is engaging and well-written, but could benefit from a few tweaks to make it more tightly paced and emotionally impactful.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Add more tension: The phone call from the killer is a pivotal moment in the story, and it could benefit from more tension. Perhaps there could be some ominous music playing in the background, or Sidney could express more fear and panic in her voice.

2. Use body language: In screenwriting, it's important to not just rely on dialogue to convey emotion. When Sidney hears the killer's voice, consider adding in some physical reactions such as trembling or sweating to show how much it affects her.

3. Show instead of telling: When Mama Riley asks Tatum how Sidney is doing, Tatum simply shrugs. This doesn't really give us any information about how Sidney is feeling. Instead, try showing Sidney being visibly upset or traumatized after the phone call to give viewers a sense of how she's coping.

4. Cut unnecessary dialogue: Some of the dialogue in the scene doesn't really add anything to the story. For example, Tatum's comment about Billy being too perfect could be cut without affecting the plot. Tightening up the dialogue will also make the scene feel more intense and focused.

5. Consider the camera angles: The scene could benefit from more dynamic camera angles to add tension and suspense. For example, when Sidney hears the killer's voice, the camera could slowly zoom in on her face to show how she's reacting.



Scene 16 -  Escaping and Coping
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Sidney and Tatum sit at the kitchen table, dressed and ready for
school as Mama Riley serves up breakfast. A small television sits
on the counter BLARING.

Dewey, in uniform, stands near the door, talking on the phone.

MAMA RILEY
I think you girls really should stay home
today.
TATUM
Your objection is duly noted.

SIDNEY
I'd rather be around a lot of people, Mama
Riley.

From the TV, Sidney hears her name, "SIDNEY PRESCOTT..." All eyes
go to the television.

REPORTER
(on TV)
... who escaped a vicious attack last
night was the daughter of Maureen Prescott
who was brutally killed last year when
convicted murderer Cotton Weary...

INSERT of COTTON WEARY, in prison fatigues. A once handsome man,
now haggard and worn.

REPORTER (CONT'D)
... broke into their home and savagely
raped and tortured the deceased. Cotton
Weary is currently awaiting appeal for the
death sentence handed down after the young
Sidney testified against him. She was the
key witness in the state's prosecution...

SIDNEY
It's never gonna stop. Is it?

Dewey is off the phone.

DEWEY
Billy was released. His cellular bill was
clean. He didn't make those calls.

SIDNEY
Somebody called me, Dewey. I'm not making
it up.

DEWEY
I know. We're checking every cellular
account in the county. Any calls made to
you or Casey Becker are being cross-
referenced. It's gonna take time but we'll
find him.

SIDNEY
And my Dad? Any word on him?

Riley shakes his head "no".


EXT. SCHOOL STREET – LATER

Once again, REPORTERS line the street attacking students as they
make their way to school, asking questions, hungry for that
teenage insight.
Dewey's patrol jeep cruises by. Sidney watches from the
passenger's window.


INT. PATROL CAR

Dewey pulls up in front of the school. Tatum hops out while Sid
lingers, suddenly unsure. Dewey takes notice.

DEWEY
Hey, it's school. You'll be safe here.

Sidney forces herself out of the jeep as a microphone is shoved in
her face...

REPORTER
How does it feel to almost be brutally
murdered?

Dewey leaps from the car, intercepting the reporter.

DEWEY
Leave the girl alone, will ya? She wants
to go to school.

Sidney eyes the newsvan that's pulled up behind her. The side door
slides open and Gale Weathers steps out.

TATUM
Come on, Sid.

SIDNEY
Just a sec... I need to talk to someone.

She heads over to Gale.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Sidney is coping with the aftermath of the attack and the news media hype. Dewey updates on the investigation, and they are checking for cellular account records. Gale Weathers also shows up to get information.
Strengths
  • The tension is high throughout the scene
  • The aftermath of the attack is portrayed well
Weaknesses
  • The dialogue could be stronger
  • The news media aspect feels cliche
Critique The scene sets up the ongoing tension and fear that pervades the lives of the characters in the story. It establishes the creepy and invasive presence of the media, and the debilitating effect it has on the characters. It also reinforces the sense of danger that the characters are coping with, the unresolved murder investigation, and the still-at-large killer.

However, while the scene is effective in conveying the atmosphere of the story, there are some areas that could benefit from more detail and nuance. For example, it would be helpful to understand why Mama Riley wants Tatum and Sidney to stay home from school. Is it because of the recent murder and attack, or something specific to her concerns for her daughters? Additionally, the dialogue feels somewhat functional and could be improved with more personality and character-specific language.

Overall, the scene establishes a sense of dread and unease, which is essential to the horror genre. As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest that the writer continue to build on that tension throughout the story by injecting more specificity and nuance into the characters and their dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene is to add more tension and conflict. Right now, the scene feels like it's just moving the plot forward without really building any major conflicts or adding any emotional weight. One way to do this could be to make the reporters more aggressive and pushy, adding to Sidney's anxiety and fear. Another option could be to play up the tension between Sidney and Gale, who she blames for causing a lot of the media attention. By adding more conflict and tension, the audience will be more engaged in the scene and invested in the characters' actions and reactions. Another suggestion is to make the dialogue more natural and emotional. Right now, a lot of the dialogue feels very stilted and exposition-heavy, which can make the scene feel forced or unnatural. By adding more emotional subtext and allowing the characters to react more naturally to the events and news they're hearing, the scene will feel more authentic and engaging.



Scene 17 -  Confrontation with the Press
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. NEWSVAN – STREET

Sidney, puts her head down, hiding her face... avoiding other
reporters as she makes her way to...

Gale who sits in the open door, checking her face in a mirror.
Makeup tries hard to hide Sid's handwork-a swollen black and blue
right cheek.

Gale spots Sidney immediately and leaps to her feet.

GALE
Stop right there.

Sidney throws her hands up in surrender.

SIDNEY
I'm not here to fight.

GALE
Just stay back.
SIDNEY
I want to talk to you.

GALE
(calling into the van)
Kenny. Camera. Now.

Kenny's head darts out from the van.

SIDNEY
Off the record. No cameras.

GALE
Forget it.

Sidney contains herself.

SIDNEY
Please. You owe me.

GALE
I owe you shit.

Gale moves inside the van. But Sidney is relentless.

SIDNEY
You owe my mother.

GALE
Your mother's murder was last year's
hottest court case. Somebody was gonna
write a book about it.

SIDNEY
And it had to be you with all your lies
and bullshit theories.

GALE
What is your problem? You got what you
wanted. Cotton Weary is in jail. They're
gonna gas him. A book is not gonna change
that.

SIDNEY
Do you still think he's innocent?

Gale's interest is peaked. She eyes Sidney suspiciously.

GALE
He was convicted in a court of law. Your
testimony put him away. It doesn't matter
what I think.

SIDNEY
During the trial, you did all those
stories about me. You called me a liar.

GALE
I think you falsely identified him. Yes.
SIDNEY
Have you talked to Cotton?

GALE
Many times.

SIDNEY
Has his story changed?

GALE
Not one word. He admits to having sex with
your mother but that's all.

SIDNEY
He's lying. She wouldn't have touched him.
He raped her, then butchered her. Her
blood was all over his coat.

GALE
He was drunk that night. He left his coat
at your house, after your mother seduced
him...

SIDNEY
I saw him leaving wearing it.

GALE
But couldn't it have been someone else you
saw wearing that coat? The same person who
planted it in Cotton's car, framing him?
The same person who really killed your
mother?

A long beat. Sidney considers this for the millionth time.

SIDNEY
No, Cotton murdered my mother.

But there's doubt in her voice. Gale's face lights up.

GALE
You're not so sure anymore, are you?

Sidney clams up.

SIDNEY
No, it was Cotton.

Tatum comes waltzing up.

TATUM
(to Gale)
Nice welt.

Gale ignores her, zeroing in on Sidney, half realizing.

GALE
The killer is still on the loose, isn't
he? These murders are related.
TATUM
Yo let's rock.

Sidney starts to fidget.

SIDNEY
I'm sorry I mangled your face.

She take off with Tatum. Gale calls after her.

GALE
Wait, Sidney, don't go...

But Sidney and Tatum have already disappeared in the crowd of
students moving across campus.

Gale looks to Kenny.

GALE
Jesus Christ! An innocent man on death
row. A killer still on the loose. Kenny,
tell me I'm dreaming.

KENNY
You want to go live?

Gale's mind races with possibilities.

GALE
No, not so fast. We have nothing concrete.

KENNY
When did that ever stop you? You can't sit
on this. This is huge.

GALE
If I'm gonna blow this up-I need hard
proof.

KENNY
But it's so much easier when we make it
up.

GALE
Not this time. I owe Cotton that much.
Hell, even I thought that man was guilty.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Sidney confronts Gale about her reporting on her mother's murder case, leading to doubts about the conviction of the man sentenced to death. The scene shows Gale's ambition for breaking news and Sidney's struggle to come to terms with her traumatic experiences.
Strengths
  • Builds tension and uncertainty
  • Develops character relationships and motivations
Weaknesses
  • Lacks action and suspense
Critique Overall, this scene has good pacing and interesting dialogue. The conflict between Sidney and Gale is well-established, and there is tension in whether or not Sidney will persuade Gale to believe Cotton is innocent. However, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the visuals could be more descriptive. For example, we don't get a good description of what the van looks like or what the street is like. Adding more descriptive language can help the reader better visualize the scene.

Secondly, the characters' emotions and physical actions could be more exaggerated. For example, when Gale sees Sidney's face, her reaction could be more extreme, such as gasping or shouting. When Sidney is trying to persuade Gale, her emotions could be heightened, such as getting tearful or angry. This would make the scene more dramatic and engaging.

Finally, the dialogue could be more specific and nuanced. For example, when Gale says "I owe you shit," it could be more specific as to what she means. Is she saying she does not owe Sidney anything, or is she saying she owes Sidney something bad?

Overall, this scene has potential and could benefit from more descriptive language, heightened emotions, and specific nuances in the dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion for improving this scene would be to make it more visually interesting. This could be accomplished by adding in more action, such as having Sidney and Gale move around the van while they talk or having them interact with other reporters or students on the street. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more impactful and reveal more about the characters. For example, instead of having Gale say "You owe me shit," she could say something more revealing about her relationship with Sidney and the case, such as "I did what I had to do to get the story, and you did what you had to do to protect your mother. We're not on the same side here." Finally, the stakes of the conversation could be raised to make it more engaging for the audience. Maybe Sidney reveals a new piece of evidence that completely changes Gale's perspective, or maybe the killer suddenly appears and the reporters are forced to flee. Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more dynamic action, tighter dialogue, and higher stakes.



Scene 18 -  Campus Prank
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. SCHOOL CAMPUS – SECONDS LATER

Tatum and Sidney make their way across campus.

TATUM
Just relax. You're at school now. No one
can get you here.

SIDNEY
But if it wasn't Billy it could be
anybody. He could be here at school right
now.
They move up the walk as a FIGURE falls in step behind them,
sporting a WHITE GHOST MASK.

TATUM
Serial killers are smart by definition.
They minimize their risk. They plan and
pre-calculate everything. Showing up here
would be the most lame-brain move he could
make.

SIDNEY
He promised me he'd be back.

As easy as the figure appeared, it disappears-falling out of site,
unseen by either of them.

TATUM
I wouldn't put too much stock in a
psycho's promise.

They move up the front steps toward the main doors of the school
as the Ghost Masked Figure reappears... standing at the top of the
steps... Sidney sees it first, stopping dead in her tracks.

She steps back, spinning around to find...

A GHOST FACE behind her as well, both of them approaching, closing
in on her. Sidney starts to SCREAM when the two ghosts bust up
LAUGHING, tearing off across campus.


EXT. STREET

In front of the school we catch up a REPORTER doing a live remote.
He holds a mask in his hand.

REPORTER
This morning several students, in what
appears to be a prank, have been spotted
wearing masks. School officials have yet
to comment but this is the same type of
mask worn by the killer...


INT. HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER

Just before the bell. The hallway is congested with students
heading to class. Tatum is at her locker with Sidney.

SIDNEY
This is a mistake. I shouldn't be here.

TATUM
I want you to meet me here right after
class, okay?

Billy appears in the crowd, with Stu tagging behind. Tatum spots
him first.
TATUM
Shit, what is he doing here?

SIDNEY
I bet he's pissed.

TATUM
Just ignore him. You had good reason to
think what you did.

Billy and Stu approach. Billy's face is solemn.

BILLY
Hi, Sid. Can we talk a sec?

Sidney says nothing. She can barely look at him. Tatum intervenes.

TATUM
You know if I were accused of carving up
two people, I'd take the opportunity to
skip school.

STU
Hey, go easy, Tatum. He didn't do it.

BILLY
Talk to me, Sid.

Suddenly, a SCREAM erupts. All eyes go to a GHOST MASKED STUDENT
running down the hall, screaming wildly, running amuck.

SIDNEY
Why are they doing this?

STU
Are you kidding? This is like Christmas.

Billy punches Stu in the side.

STU
Owwww...

BILLY
You open your mouth and stupidity pours
out.

STU
Sorry.

Sidney, clearly upset, takes off down the hall. Billy races off
after her.

TATUM
(yelling)
Stay away from her, Billy.

Tatum SLAMS her locker door shut as the bell RINGS.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Tatum and Sidney are walking across campus and discussing the recent attack. Tatum tries to comfort Sidney, but they become aware of a figure following them. They then encounter a student wearing a Ghost Face mask. The scene shifts to a reporter doing a live remote in front of the school, and then to the school hallway where Billy and Stu approach Tatum and Sidney. A Ghost Face-masked student appears, causing chaos in the hallway.
Strengths "Tense atmosphere and suspenseful setup for events to come."
Weaknesses "Dialogue is somewhat generic and uninspired."
Critique The scene has good pacing and tension building, but there are a few areas that could be improved.
Firstly, the dialogue could be sharper and more distinct. The characters' voices sound somewhat similar, and there are a few clichéd lines (such as "This is like Christmas").
Additionally, the reveal that the ghosts are just students playing a prank feels somewhat anticlimactic. It might be more effective to have that reveal happen in a later scene, after the tension has been allowed to build further.
Finally, it's unclear what the overall goal or purpose of the scene is. Is it just to show Sidney's anxiety and fear, or is there a larger conflict at play? Clarifying this would help make the scene more impactful.
Suggestions Some possible suggestions to improve this scene are:

- Make the tension and fear more palpable. The dialogue between Tatum and Sidney doesn't build up much suspense or sense of danger, despite the fact that they are still being potentially stalked by a killer. Perhaps add some more ominous sounds, eerie music, or shots of shadows or silhouettes that suggest someone is following them. Increase the pace of the scene, with quicker cuts and more handheld camera work, to convey a sense of unease and urgency.
- Use more visual cues to establish the location and geography of the scene. At the moment, it's unclear where exactly the characters are walking or where the Ghost Masked Figure is coming from. By adding some establishing shots of the exterior of the school, or some wider shots of the campus, the viewer can better understand the physical layout and feel more immersed in the setting.
- Avoid too much expository dialogue. The conversation between Tatum and Sidney feels a bit too on-the-nose, as they explicitly discuss the characteristics and motives of serial killers. Instead of telling the audience what they already know, try to convey the same ideas through more subtle or visual means. For example, show a news report or article about a recent unsolved murder in the area, or have a character overhear some ominous whispers from other students about a potential danger.
- Heighten the prank / scare scene with more twists and turns. The sudden appearance of the Ghost Face behind Sidney is a good jump scare, but the subsequent reveal that it's just a harmless prank feels a bit anticlimactic. Instead, consider having the prank war escalate into more dangerous or violent territory, or have the Ghost Face reveal themselves to actually be the killer for a moment before disappearing again. This will keep the audience on their toes and make them doubt who they can trust.
- Inject more personality and conflict into the dialogue between characters. The current conversations feel a bit generic and interchangeable between Tatum, Sidney, and Billy/Stu. Try to give each character a more distinctive voice and perspective, so that their interactions reveal more about their motives and relationships. For example, Tatum could be more sarcastic or skeptical of Billy's intentions, Sidney could be more anxious and paranoid, and Billy/Stu could have more tension between them as they try to cover up their secrets.



Scene 19 -  Confrontation in the Corridor
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CORRIDOR – SECONDS LATER

With first period underway, the halls have cleared. One or two
struggling students can be seen rushing to class.

Sidney moves quickly down the hall, rounding a corner, running
smack into...


BILLY

They collide hard catching Sidney off guard, scaring the life out
of her. She falls backwards, but Billy catches her fall.

SIDNEY
Jesus, SHIT!

BILLY
Hey, hey, it's just me.

Sidney pulls away from him quickly. Billy feels the slight.

BILLY
What? You don't still think it's me?

Sidney catches her breath.

SIDNEY
No... I don't... it's just... Oh God,
Billy, someone was there, someone tried to
kill me.

BILLY
The police say I scared him off. It wasn't
me, Sid.

SIDNEY
I know. He called again last night at
Tatum's house.

BILLY
See, it couldn't have been me. I was in
jail, remember?

SIDNEY
I'm so sorry... please understand.

BILLY
Understand what? That I got a girlfriend
who would rather accuse me of being a
psychopathic killer than touch me.

SIDNEY
You know that's not true.

BILLY
Then what is it? Is there somebody else?

SIDNEY
No...
BILLY
Is it the sex thing? Am I being too pushy?

SIDNEY
No, it's me, Billy. I need time. I'm still
adjusting to my mom.

BILLY
It's been a year since she died.

SIDNEY
(correcting him)
Tomorrow. One year tomorrow.

BILLY
When are you gonna let that go, Sid? When
my mom left my dad – I just accepted it.
This is the way it is. She's not coming
back.

SIDNEY
(sharply)
Your parents split up. It's not the same
thing. Your mom left town, she's not in a
coffin somewhere.

BILLY
You have to move on, Sid.

Sidney starts to walk away but turns back, angry.

SIDNEY
I'm glad to know you're coping so well
with life, Billy. But some of us aren't so
perfect. Some of us are just trying to
hold on.

Sidney disappears through a door marked GIRL'S BATHROOM, leaving
Billy alone in the hallway. He SMACKS his forehead, pissed at
himself.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Billy and Sidney have a heated argument about the recent attack and their relationship while at school. Sidney is still struggling with her mother's death a year later, and Billy is frustrated with her inability to move on. Their conversation is cut short by a masked figure, causing chaos in the school hallway.
Strengths "The scene has a strong conflict with emotional tension between the two characters. It also sets up a later plot development with the appearance of the masked figure in the school hallway."
Weaknesses "The dialogue between Billy and Sidney is somewhat predictable and clich\u00e9 at times, and the appearance of the masked figure feels a bit contrived."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Sidney and Billy is realistic, and the tension between them adds to the overall suspense of the story.

However, there are a few minor critiques I would mention:

1. The transition between the previous scene and this one could be smoother. It's not clear where Sidney is coming from or why she's in such a hurry.

2. The line "scaring the life out of her" feels a bit cliche and could be rephrased.

3. The backstory about Sidney's mother's death may feel a bit heavy-handed and could be introduced more subtly.

Overall, though, this scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the story and leaves the audience on edge, wanting to know what happens next.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Consider adding more sensory details to the setting. What does the hallway smell like? What sounds can be heard in the background? Adding these details can help immerse the viewer in the scene.

2. Show more of Sidney's emotional state. We know she's scared, but what else is going on in her head? Is she frustrated? Angry? Show more of her internal conflict.

3. Be careful about the dialogue. Some of the lines feel like they're there just to move the plot forward. Instead, focus on making the dialogue feel organic and true to the characters. What would they really say in this situation?

4. Consider adding some subtext to their conversation. What are they really saying to each other underneath the surface? What needs are they trying to fulfill? This can add depth to the scene and make it more interesting to watch.

5. Try to find ways to make the scene more visually interesting. Right now, it's mostly just two people talking in a hallway. Is there a way to make the setting more visually dynamic? Can you use movement or other visual elements to enhance the scene?



Scene 20 -  Bathroom Attack
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. GIRL'S BATHROOM

Large and spacious. Closed bathroom stalls line one wall facing a
row of sinks and a huge mirror. Sidney enters as TWO GIRLS tinkle
and talk – each from their respective stalls.

GIRL #1
She was never attacked. I think she made
it all up.

GIRL #2
Why would she lie about it?

GIRL #1
For attention. The girl has some serious
issues.

Sidney listens intently.
A toilet FLUSHES. Sidney quickly jumps in a stall, hiding, just as
GIRL #1 appears from a stall. She looks like that voice – a snotty
little twit.

GIRL #1
What if she did it? What if Sidney killed
Casey and Steve?

GIRL #2
And why would she do that?

GIRL #1
Maybe she was hot for Steve and killed
them both in a jealous rage.

Another toilet FLUSHES.

GIRL #2
Why would Sidney want to be with Steve?
She has her own bubble-butt boyfriend
Billy.

GIRL #1
Maybe she's a slut just like her mom.


INSIDE THE STALL

Sidney listens. Her face weakening.

GIRL #2
You're evil.

GIRL #1
Please, it's common knowledge. Her mother
was a trollop.

GIRL #2 appears from her stall – another twit. They both stand in
front of the mirror adjusting two snotty faces.

GIRL #2
Cut some slack. She watched her mom get
butchered.

GIRL #1
And it fucked her up royally. Think about
it. It makes perfect sense. Her mom's
death leaves her distraught and hostile at
a cruel and inhumane world, she's
disillusioned, where's God, etc.
Completely suicidal. And one day she
snaps. She wants to kill herself but
realizes teen suicide is out this year.
And homicide is a much healthier
therapeutic expression.

From the stall, Sidney listens, her heart pounding, jaw quivering.

GIRL #2
Where do you get this shit?
GIRL #1
Ricki Lake.

The two girls exit. Sidney moves out of the stall, catching her
reflection in the mirror.

SIDNEY
Pathetic.

Water DRIPS somewhere from a leaky pipe as wind WHISTLES in from
the cracked transom above the bathroom door. It sound almost like
a whisper, "Siddneey... "

Sidney spins around. What the... She checks out the bathroom. The
doors to the stalls are all closed. She bends down and scans
beneath them, looking for feet. No one. Nothing.

Sidney turns back to the mirror. Suddenly...

MAN
(O.S. whisper)
Siddneey...

Unmistakable this time. The VOICE strikes Sidney like a nail
through the eye. It comes from one of the stalls. She stands
thunderstruck, eyeing the stalls thru the mirror.

SIDNEY
Is someone there?

A long, morose silence. And then:

MAN
(softly, simply)
It's me, Sidney.

Sidney spins around. Fuck no! HE'S HERE. Terror floods her face.
She eyes the exit door, then the row of stalls she must pass to
get to it.

She checks under the stalls again. Nothing... where the fuck is
he? She takes a step forward when...

TWO FEET step down from a toilet onto the floor in the last stall.
Sidney's face draws tight as the stall door begins to CREAK open.
She bolts forward, making a break for it... but slips on the wet
floor... her feet flying out from under...

Sidney reaches out... grabs hold of a sink... saves herself from
falling... she glimpses a GHOST MASK in the mirror coming for her.
A hand grabs her shoulder as she SLAMS her body through the exit
door... narrowly escaping.


INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

Sidney flies out of the bathroom door SCREAMING... burning up the
hallway, not looking back. A TEACHER, hearing her SCREAM, peer out
from an open doorway... as Sidney sprints by him, not stopping...
running madly.
INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

CLOSE on a red-faced Principal Himbry as he reads someone the riot
act.

MR. HIMBRY
I'm sickened. Your whole havoc-inducing,
thieving, whoring generation disgusts me.

The CAMERA SWINGS AROUND to reveal two GHOST MASKED STUDENTS
standing at attention. Mr. Himbry rips the mask off of one of the
student's heads.

MR. HIMBRY
Two students have been savagely murdered.
And this is how we express our compassion
and sensivity?

He rips the mask off the other student.

MR. HIMBRY
We throw on a mask and dance around campus
just hoping someone else gets butchered
before we get bored again. You're both
expelled.

The Ghosts doth protest...

GHOST #1
Aw, come on, Mr. Himbry, it was just a
joke.

GHOST #2
Yeah, that's not fair.

A deep rooted hostility has taken over Mr. Himbry's face. Neither
student budges, scared to even breathe.

MR. HIMBRY
No, it's not fair. Fairness would be to
rip your insides out and hang you from a
tree so you can be exposed for the
desensitized, heartless little shits that
you are.

Suddenly the door BURSTS open and Sidney appears, hysterical.

SIDNEY
(crying)
He's here... I saw him... he's here...

Mr. Himbry rushes to her, arms outstretched.

MR. HIMBRY
Easy child.

Sidney collapses in his arms.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney narrowly escapes a potential attack in the bathroom, encounters a figure following her, and runs into the principal's office seeking help.
Strengths "Strong tension and suspense-building throughout the scene"
Weaknesses "Weak and predictable dialogue between the two gossiping girls"
Critique Overall, the scene is engaging and suspenseful. The dialogue between the girls in the bathroom reveals some interesting theories about the murders, but it can come across as a bit forced and unnatural. It feels like they are intentionally discussing these theories just to give the audience some clues, rather than it feeling like a genuine conversation.

Additionally, the use of the Ghostface mask and the presence of the killer in the bathroom at the end of the scene feels a bit cliche and predictable. It may have been more effective to have some other kind of tension-building event or unexpected twist.

On the other hand, the scene does a great job of building tension through the use of sound, such as the dripping water and the whispered voice. The action at the end of the scene is also well-executed, with Sidney's escape from the killer and her subsequent collapse adding to the drama.

Overall, while the scene could benefit from some more natural dialogue and less predictability, it effectively creates a sense of danger and suspense, taking the audience on a wild ride.
Suggestions The scene is effective in building tension and revealing more about the character of Sidney, but it could benefit from some improvements. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Clarify the setting: Where is this school located? Are there any distinguishing features of the bathroom or the school that could provide more context?

2. Make the dialogue more meaningful: The conversation between the two girls in the bathroom stalls feels like it's there solely to provide exposition. Can you find a way to make their conversation more relevant to the plot or to add more subtext?

3. Add more description: Visual cues and sensory details can help immerse the reader in the scene. For example, you could describe the sound of the pipes dripping or the smell of the cleaning products in the bathroom.

4. Vary the sentence structure: The scene contains a lot of short, straightforward sentences. Mixing in longer and more complex sentences can help add variety and texture to the scene.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene feels like it jumps quickly from one moment to the next. Adding some moments of pause or reflection can help build tension and heighten the stakes.



Scene 21 -  Campus Closure and Flirtation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. SCHOOL STREET – MINUTES LATER

Dewey's patrol jeep is parked in front of the school. He stands in
the open driver's door talking on the radio.

SHERIFF BURKE
(from radio)
She's okay. Looks like some boys were
teasing her. Himbry's shutting down the
school though. I want you to take look
around.

DEWEY
Yes, sir, sheriff.

Dewey shuts the jeep door and heads for campus when Gale Weathers
appears, her fake face aglow.

GALE
Hi! Gale Weathers. Field Correspondent,
INSIDE STORY.

DEWEY
I know who you are, ma'am. How's the eye?

GALE
Productive. So they're closing down the
school?

DEWEY
Well... uh... yes ma'am. For the time
being.

Dewey heads for the school building. Gale scurries along side him
flirtatiously.

GALE
And why is that? Has something happened?

DEWEY
You're not supposed to be here, ma'am.

GALE
I know, I should be in New York covering
the Sharon Stone stalker but who knew?
Please, call me Gale. You look awfully
young to be a police officer.

Dewey's eyes wander down to Gale's long legs, the way her hips
move as she walks... he's clearly distracted.

DEWEY
I'm twenty-five years old, ma'am.
GALE
Twenty-five, huh? In a demographic study I
proved to be most popular amongst males,
11-24. I just missed you. Of course, you
don't look a day over twelve, except in
the upper torso area. Does the force
require that you work out?

Dewey looks away, blushing a bit.

DEWEY
No, ma'am. Because of my boyish good
looks, muscle mass has increased my
acceptance as a serious police officer.

They approach the school's front entrance. Suddenly, Mr. Himbry's
VOICE in amplified through intercoms across campus via the PA
system. They stop to listen.

MR. HIMBRY
(via PA)
"Your attention please. Due to the recent
events that have occurred and until it
comes to a resolve effective immediately
all classes are suspended til further
notice. The Bayboro Police Dept. has also
asked me to announce a city wide curfew
beginning at 6 o'clock PM. I repeat..."

Gale speaks over Mr. Himbry's voice.

GALE
Boy, you people sure do make fuss over a
serial killer.

DEWEY
Serial killer is not really accurate,
ma'am. The killer has yet to strike twice.

GALE
Well, we can hope, can't we? We certainly
don't have any leads. A ghost mask, a
cellular phone – not much there.

DEWEY
We're tracking the cellular phone bill.

GALE
Really? You small town guys are good. And
have you located Sidney's father?

DEWEY
No, not yet.

GALE
He's not a suspect, is he?

DEWEY
We haven't ruled out that possibil...
Dewey, realizing he's said too much, clams up.

DEWEY
If you'll excuse me, ma'am.

GALE
Am I keeping you? I'm sorry.

DEWEY
That's quite alright. If I may say so,
ma'am, you're much prettier in person.

Dewey starts up the school's front steps as the bell RINGS.

GALE
So you do watch the show?

He turns to her earnestly as STUDENTS come pouring out the front
doors.

DEWEY
I just turned 25. I was 24 for a whole
year.

GALE
You are precious. Please, call me Gale.

She smiles deliciously, gives him a wink, then struts off as
Dewey, like a nervous little school boy watches her go.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Dewey is told to patrol the school while it's closed temporarily due to the recent attacks. Gale appears and flirts with him while questioning him on the latest news. A city wide curfew is announced and Dewey is distracted by Gale's advances.
Strengths "The flirtatious banter between Dewey and Gale adds some levity to an otherwise tense situation. The dialogue is witty and engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene does not advance the plot significantly and may feel like filler to some viewers."
Critique This scene has some good comedic moments, especially between Dewey and Gale. However, it lacks tension and forward momentum for the story. It feels more like a filler scene, with little to no impact on the overall plot.

The dialogue between Dewey and Gale is entertaining, but at times it feels forced and too on-the-nose about their personalities.

The use of the PA system and the announcement of the curfew add some sense of urgency and danger, but it's not enough to make the scene truly engaging.

To improve this scene, it would need to have more weight and significance to the overall story. The dialogue between Dewey and Gale could be toned down a bit and focus more on the investigation and the urgency of finding the killer. More tension could be added by having some kind of obstacle or conflict arise, such as discovering a new clue or suspect. Overall, the scene could benefit from more purpose and directly contributing to the main plot.
Suggestions 1. Give more focus to the main story: The scene has a lot of dialogue about Gale's personal life and trivial matters. The conversation should focus more on the investigation, the killer, and the danger lurking in the town. The scene should build up the tension and suspense of the story by highlighting the seriousness of the situation.

2. Reduce unnecessary dialogue: Much of the conversation between Gale and Dewey seems unnecessary, like their discussion about Gale's age and popularity among men. This slows down the scene and does not add any value to the story.

3. Introduce more action: The scene lacks any physical action, which could make it more engaging. Including a visual effect or a small chase sequence could create more drama and excitement.

4. Add more conflict: The dialogue between Dewey and Gale is too cordial and friendly. Including some conflict between the two characters could make the scene more interesting. This could be achieved by adding a disagreement about the investigation or their approach to the story.

5. Improve character development: The conversation between Dewey and Gale could be used to reveal more about their characters. This could be done by allowing them to discuss their past experiences or motivations for their actions, which would make them more complex and interesting.



Scene 22 -  The Party and the Principal's Demise
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – SECONDS LATER

School is clearing out. The halls have begun to empty as Tatum
escorts Sidney down the hallway.

TATUM
It was just some sick fuck having a laugh.

SIDNEY
It was him, Tatum. I know it.

Tatum wants to believe her but...

TATUM
You are not to be alone again. Is that
clear? If you pee – I pee.

Stu appears.

STU
Is this not cool or what? Hey, Sid, what
happened?

TATUM
For once, Stu, drop it.

STU
Okay, but whatever you did the entire
student body thanks you.
Stu moves to Tatum and gives her a kiss.

STU
And to celebrate this impromptu fall
break, I propose we have a party. Tonight,
my house.

SIDNEY
Are you serious?

STU
My parents are out of town. It'll be like
my hurricane bash last year. Nothing
extreme. Just a few of us, hangin'.

Tatum warms to the idea.

TATUM
This could be good. What do you think,
Sid?

SIDNEY
I don't know...

TATUM
Come on. Pathos has it's perks.

Sidney considers trying hard to be good spirited.

STU
Remember, there's safety in numbers.

SIDNEY
(giving in)
Yeah, okay... whatever.

STU
Cool. See you guys tonight. Bring food.

Stu speeds off, sliding down the empty hallway.


INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE – LATER

Mr. Himbry sits at his desk staring at the ghosts masks before
him. He picks one of them up, snickering.

MR. HIMBRY
Damn...

He stands and moves to the closet next to his office door. He
pulls it open to reveal a mirror hooked inside the door. He tries
the mask on, pulling it over his face, looking in the mirror
when...

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR stops him. He rips the mask off his head,
turns to his office door and opens it to reveal...
AN EMPTY DOORWAY

He pokes his head into the outer office area and looks around. But
no one's there.

MR. HIMBRY
Yes? Hello?

The place is empty. A little suspicious he closes the door,
catching his reflection in the closet mirror. He looks at the mask
in his hands. Jesus, even he's jumpy. Two seconds later...

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Himbry grabs the door quickly, this
time throwing it open. Again no one's there. He steps out into the
outer office determined to catch a prankster.


INT. OUTER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Completely empty. Mr. Himbry moves through the outer office and
into the school corridor. The overhead lights have been turned off
and the corridor is now dark and deserted. He looks up and down
the hall. Only a JANITOR is seen in the distance pushing a broom.

MR. HIMBRY
Little shits.

Mr. Himbry returns to his office.


INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Himbry reenters his office, moving to his desk, when he spots the
closet door NOW CLOSED SHUT.

This gives him a pause-he had left it open. Hadn't he? Suddenly,
he can't remember. He shifts uneasy, reaching for the door knob,
pulling the door open to reveal...

AN EMPTY CLOSET. He stands still a moment, suddenly realizing
someone could easily now be standing behind the open closet door.
Nervously, he pushes it shut to reveal...

NOTHING. Himbry shakes away his jitters, realizing he's spooked
himself. He continues to his desk, pushing his office door shut
when...

A GHOST MASKED FIGURE lunges from behind it... knife in hand.
Quick and easy. Three quick jabs to the stomach and Himbry goes
down. The GHOST MASKED FIGURE towering above him.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Tatum convinces Sidney to go to a party while the school is closed due to the recent attacks. The principal of the school, Mr. Himbry, is stalked by a Ghost Face-masked figure in his office and is killed.
Strengths "The scene builds suspense and raises the stakes with Mr. Himbry's demise."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, particularly between Stu and Tatum."
Critique The scene has some strengths and weaknesses. The strengths of the scene are:

- The dialogue is natural and flows easily.
- The use of descriptive language is effective in setting the scene and providing atmosphere.
- The action is fast-paced and engaging.

However, there are also some weaknesses in the scene:

- The characters' motivations and backgrounds are not fleshed out, making it hard to connect with them as individuals.
- The character of Mr. Himbry is not sufficiently developed or invested in, making his death less impactful.
- The killer's identity is not revealed, which may be frustrating for some viewers.

Overall, the scene could benefit from stronger character development and clearer plotting.
Suggestions First, it would benefit the scene to have clearer action and visual descriptions. For example, when Tatum and Sidney are walking down the hallway, it would be helpful to describe their movements and how they are interacting with each other. Additionally, when Stu appears and gives Tatum a kiss, it would be more impactful if the physicality of their interaction was described.

Secondly, the dialogue could be refined to make it feel more natural and authentic. For example, Tatum's line "Pathos has its perks" feels forced and out of character. The dialogue could also benefit from more subtext – what are the characters really thinking and feeling but not saying outright?

Lastly, the scene could benefit from more tension and suspense leading up to the climax. As it is, the murder of Mr. Himbry feels jarring and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Heightening the stakes and building up the tension would make the payoff of the murder more impactful.



Scene 23 -  Uncovering Secrets
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. TATUM'S HOUSE – AFTERNOON – LATER

The late afternoon sun is quickly disappearing.

Tatum and Sidney rock on the front porch looking out into the
small town neighborhood. Dewey's patrol jeep is parked in the
driveway.
Despite loud music, BLARING from an inside stereo, this is a quiet
moment.

TATUM
Maybe Cotton Weary is telling the truth.
Maybe he was having an affair with your
mom.

SIDNEY
So you think my mom was a slut too?

TATUM
I didn't say that, Sid. But you know there
were rumors. Your dad was always out of
town on business. Maybe your mom was a
very unhappy woman.

SIDNEY
If they were having an affair how come
that Cotton couldn't prove it in court?

TATUM
You can't prove a rumor. That's why it's a
rumor.

SIDNEY
Created by that little tabloid twit Gale
Weathers.

TATUM
(delicately)
It goes further back, Sid. There's been
talk about other men.

SIDNEY
And you believe it?

TATUM
Well... you can only hear that Richard
Gere-gerbil story so many times before you
have to start believing it.

A long silence as Sidney agonizes over all of this. She stands up
and moves to the edge of the porch and stares out onto the
neighborhood.

SIDNEY
If I was wrong Cotton, then he's still out
there.

TATUM
Don't go there, Sid. You're starting to
sound like some Wes Carpenter flick. Don't
freak yourself out – we've got a long
night ahead of us.

SIDNEY
You're right. I'm cracking up. Ignore me.
TATUM
Come on, let's rock.

Sid follows Tatum inside the house never seeing the GHOST MASKED
FIGURE that stands across the street, under a tree. His presence
so subtle and unobtrusive you'd have to see this movie a second
time to know he was there all along.


EXT. MAIN STREET – LATER

Stu is moving along main street when Billy comes barreling up next
to him.

BILLY
How'd you do?

STU
Piece of cake. She'll be there.

BILLY
Thanks, butt wart. You did good.

STU
So you gonna try and make up with Sid?

BILLY
Duh... that's quick.

STU
I was just asking. Why are you always at
me?

BILLY
Because I'm trying to build your self-
esteem. You're far too sensitive.

STU
Oh...

Billy thumbs Stu's forehead.

BILLY
You ready to party hard tonight?

STU
You know it.

They come to a building centrally located in the heart of Main
Street. A huge, blue monstrosity that's bigger than the local bank
and post office combined. The sign in front reads "BLOCKBUSTER".
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Tatum and Sidney discuss rumors about Sidney's mom before returning to Tatum's house, where a Ghost Face-masked figure is lurking outside. Meanwhile, Stu helps Billy plan a party, leading to the discovery of Blockbuster video store.
Strengths "Tension buildup, additional plot developments with Dewey and Gale, character dynamics between Sidney and Tatum."
Weaknesses "Lack of major plot developments, slow pacing."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written in terms of dialogue and setting. The conversations between Tatum and Sidney, as well as Billy and Stu, feel natural and believable. The use of the Ghost Masked Figure adds some suspense and foreshadowing to the scene.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The description of the setting and actions could be more specific and detailed. For example, instead of just saying "the late afternoon sun is quickly disappearing," the scene could describe the colors of the sky and the way the light is fading. Additionally, the stage directions could be more active, showing the characters doing things rather than just sitting and talking.

Overall, with a few tweaks to the description and stage directions, this scene could be a strong addition to a larger screenplay.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict. Currently, the dialogue between Tatum and Sidney is a bit passive and lacks immediate stakes. Adding in more urgency or danger would help the scene to feel more engaging.

For example, instead of just discussing rumors about Sidney's mother, they could be actively trying to uncover new information to help them solve the murders. Perhaps they receive a threatening phone call or find a clue that points them in a new direction.

Additionally, introducing the Ghost Masked Figure earlier in the scene could heighten the tension. Instead of only revealing his presence at the end, perhaps he could be watching them from a nearby car or sneaking around in the background. This way, the audience would be more on edge and invested in the scene as they try to piece together what's happening.

Finally, adding in some visual descriptions could help to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting. As the characters sit on the porch, what do they see and hear around them? Are there any ominous shadows or sounds in the background that hint at danger? Fleshing out these details could help to make the scene feel more immersive and engaging.



Scene 24 -  Blockbuster Video and Patrol Duty
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. BLOCKBUSTER – CONTINUOUS

You typical Blockbuster – huge and crowded. Randy, in his
Blockbuster get up, is busy reshelving returns when Stu appears –
knocking the videos out of his hand.
STU
Jesus, this place is packed.

RANDY
(picking up videos)
We had a run in the mass murder section.

STU
You coming tonight?

RANDY
Yeah, I'm off early – curfew you know.
(looking off)
Now that's poor taste.

STU
What?

Randy refers to Billy who stands down the aisle talking to TWO
GIRLS. (The twits from the bathroom perhaps.)

RANDY
If you were the only suspect in a
senseless bloodbath would you be standing
in the horror section?

STU
It was all a misunderstanding. He didn't
do anything.

RANDY
You're such a little lap dog. He's got
killer printed all over his forehead.

STU
The why'd the police let him go?

RANDY
Because, obviously they don't watch enough
movies. This is standard horror movie
stuff. PROM NIGHT revisited.

Randy moves down the aisle, reshelving videos.

STU
Why would he want to kill his own
girlfriend?

RANDY
There's always some stupid bullshit reason
to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty
of it all. Simplicity. Besides, if it's
too complicated you lose your target
audience.

STU
So what's his reason?

RANDY
Maybe Sidney wouldn't have sex with him.
STU
She's saving herself for you.

RANDY
Could be. Now that Billy's tried to
mutilate her, you think Sid would go out
with me?

STU
I think her father did it. How come they
can't find his ass?

RANDY
Because he's probably dead. His body will
come popping out in the last reel
somewhere... eyes gauged. See, the police
are always off track with this shit, if
they'd watch PROM NIGHT they'd save time.
There's formula to it. A very simple one.
Everyone's always a suspect – the father,
the principal, the town derelict...

STU
Which is you...

RANDY
So while they're off investigating a dead
end, Billy, who's been written off as a
suspect, is busy planning his next hunting
expedition.

BILLY (O.S.)
How do we know you're not the killer?

Randy spins around to find Billy right behind him. Busted.

RANDY
Uh... hi, Billy.

BILLY
Maybe your movie-freaked mind lost it's
reality button?

Randy shrugs, laughing it off.

RANDY
You're absolutely right. I'm the first to
admit it. If this were a scary movie, I'd
be the prime suspect.

STU
And what would be your motive?

RANDY
It's 1995 – motives are incidental.
EXT. MAIN STREET – LITTLE LATER

Dewey's patrol jeep makes it's way down mainstreet. It's almost
dark. The street is close to deserted.


INT. PATROL JEEP – CONTINUOUS

Dewey's behind the wheel having a heated conversation with Tatum
while Sid stares out the window.

DEWEY
A party? Mom's gonna kill you. Then me.

TATUM
Don't be so self-righteous. It's just a
little blow out – we'll be perfectly safe.

Sid stares out the window. CLOSED SIGNS fill the storefronts, a
few people rush to their car, in a hurry to beat curfew.

SIDNEY
God, look at this place, it's THE TOWN
THAT DREADED SUNDOWN.

DEWEY
Hey, I saw that movie. True story, 'bout
some killer in Texas.

TATUM
Hey, Sid. Just think if they make a movie
about you. Who's gonna play you?

SIDNEY
Oh, god...

Dewey comes to a stop, parking the car in front of the police
station. He looks to Sid with a brotherly smile.

DEWEY
I see you as a young Meg Ryan myself.

SIDNEY
Thanks, Dewey. But with my luck they'd
cast Tori Spelling.
Genres: ["horror","comedy"]

Summary Randy and Stu discuss Billy's possible guilt while working at Blockbuster; Dewey and Tatum argue about going to a party during curfew while on patrol; and Sidney observes the deserted town.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and funny, giving insight into the characters' personalities and relationships. The scene builds on the horror movie tropes established earlier in the film."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much action or add to the plot in a significant way."
Critique The scene is well-written and flows smoothly. It effectively introduces the characters of Randy and Stu, as well as further develops the suspicions surrounding Billy. The dialogue is natural, with the characters having clear personalities and distinctive voices. However, some of the references to horror movies may feel outdated to modern audiences and could benefit from updating. Additionally, the scene lacks a clear goal or purpose in terms of advancing the overall plot of the movie. Nonetheless, the scene does succeed in creating a believable and engaging atmosphere within the Blockbuster store and effectively sets up the tone for the rest of the film.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the setting: It would be helpful to describe the location of the Blockbuster in more detail. Is it a suburban strip mall, a rundown shopping center, or a bustling city block? Describing the atmosphere can add more depth to the scene.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Randy and Stu talk about the "mass murder section" and the "horror section," it would be more engaging to show them walking down the aisle and pointing out specific movies that fit the horror genre. This way, the audience can visualize what they are discussing and feel more involved in the conversation.

3. Develop character relationships: While the dialogue between Randy and Stu is entertaining, it would be more impactful if the audience understood why they are friends in the first place. Do they work together? Did they grow up in the same neighborhood? Adding some backstory can give their banter more weight.

4. Cut down on exposition: The conversation between Randy and Stu about horror movie tropes feels a bit too on-the-nose. Instead of having them list out the formulaic elements of a horror movie, it might be more effective to have them discuss a particular film they both love and how it relates to the situation at hand.

5. Integrate the scene into the larger plot: At this point in the movie, it's unclear what the main conflict is or why the characters are discussing horror movies. By connecting the conversation to the larger plot (e.g. mentioning that there have been recent murders in the town that resemble those in a horror movie), the scene can feel more relevant and engaging.



Scene 25 -  Curfew and Confessions
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. PATROL JEEP – CONTINUOUS

They pile out of the jeep. Dewey heads for the station.

DEWEY
I'll just be a few minutes. Don't go far.

The girls take off for the local supermarket that sits across the
street.

SIDNEY
Is Billy going to be there tonight?
TATUM
He better not be. I told Stu to keep his
mouth shut. I think we can live without
EVERYBODY'S ALL AMERICAN for one night.

They approach the grocery store. Small and simple. Sid and Tatum
grab a shopping cart from the bin and enter the store, pushing the
cart through two sliding glass doors.

A lone CHECKOUT LADY behind the counter, big and frumpy, looks up
from counting money.

CHECK OUT LADY
You girls gonna have to hurry it up. We're
under curfew.

TATUM
Two minutes tops.

They make a bee-line for the junk food section just as the
automated doors slide shut behind them and a...

GHOST MASKED FIGURE appears, out of nowhere, standing just
outside, watching, quietly through the glass store windows.


EXT. POLICE STATION – SHERIFF'S OFFICE

Sheriff Burke's face heats up as Deputy Riley marches in,
hurriedly.

SHERIFF BURKE
Dewey! Where the hell you been, boy?

DEWEY
Keeping my eye on Sidney.

SHERIFF BURKE
Listen up, Dewey, because it's bad. Real
bad. Aircomp just faxed us. The calls were
listed to Neil Prescott, Sidney's father.
He made the calls with his cellular phone.
It's confirmed.

DEWEY
Couldn't his cellular number have been
cloned?

SHERIFF BURKE
There's more. Guess what tomorrow is? The
anniversary of his wife's death. It all
fits. He's our man.

DEWEY
Have you contacted the bureau?
SHERIFF BURKE
They believe he's out of state by now.
We'll keep roadblocks and curfew in effect
through the night. If he's not picked up
by morning we'll do a house to house.

DEWEY
You think he could still be in town?

SHERIFF BURKE
He'd have to be crazy. Where's Sidney?

DEWEY
She's with my sister. Should I bring her
in?

SHERIFF BURKE
Hold off for now. Just stay close to her.

DEWEY
She'll be with her friends over at Stu
Maker's tonight.

SHERIFF BURKE
Watch her. Don't let on. Just keep your
eyes out.

DEWEY
Yes, sir.


INT. SUPERMARKET – FEW MINUTES LATER

Sidney and Tatum push a basket through the junk food section. The
store is completely empty. The girls gab freely.

SIDNEY
Billy's right. Whenever he touches me, I
just can't relax.

TATUM
You have a few intimacy issues as a result
of your mother's untimely death. It's no
big deal. You'll thaw out.

SIDNEY
But he's been so patient with me, Tatum.
You know, with all the sex stuff. How many
guys would put up with a girlfriend who's
sexually anorexic?

TATUM
Billy and his penis don't deserve you.

Sidney grabs some chips and salsa from the shelf. Down the aisle,
through the storefront window the Ghost Masked Figure still stands
watching their every move.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Dewey patrols the school and gets news from the Sheriff about the killer's identity. Sidney and Tatum go to a deserted supermarket where they discuss their relationships. Meanwhile, a Ghost Masked Figure lurks outside the store.
Strengths "Tension created by the killer's identity being revealed, use of curfew to heighten danger, character development for Sidney and Tatum."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly dialogue-driven, with little action."
Critique First of all, it's important to note that this is just one scene in a larger screenplay, so any critiques should be taken in context of how this scene contributes to the overall story and character development.

That being said, from a screenwriting perspective, there are a few things that could be improved in this scene. One of the main issues is that there doesn't seem to be a clear sense of tension or stakes. The girls are just casually shopping for junk food, and although the Ghost Masked Figure is briefly mentioned, there doesn't seem to be any immediate danger or urgency.

To create more tension, it would be helpful to establish what the objective or obstacle is in this scene. For example, maybe the girls are on a tight timeline or have a specific item they need to find in the store, and the Ghost Masked Figure is a threat that could prevent them from achieving their goal. This would give the scene more purpose and a sense of momentum.

Additionally, the dialogue between Sidney and Tatum could be more dynamic and reveal more about their characters. Right now, their conversation feels a bit generic and surface-level. It would be helpful to have them delve deeper into their emotions and motivations, which would make them more relatable and engaging to the audience.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more tension and purpose, as well as more dynamic and revealing dialogue.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more tension: The scene lacks tension, which is crucial for a horror movie. One way to do this is by adding more suspense music and sound effects, especially when the Ghost Masked Figure appears. The scene could also benefit from some jump scares.

2. Use the setting to create atmosphere: The supermarket could be made more ominous by dimming the lights and adding flickering lights. The silence of the empty store could also be amplified to enhance the feeling of isolation and vulnerability of the characters.

3. Develop the characters: The dialogue between Sidney and Tatum could be more meaningful by expanding on their relationship and history. For instance, they could discuss their fears, thoughts, and feelings about the current situation and their past experiences. Developing their characters will make the audience care more about them and increase their investment in the story.

4. Create a better transition: The transition between the two scenes could be smoother. One way to do this is by using a visual or auditory cue to signal the change in setting and time. For example, the sound of a police siren or the sight of a clock could indicate that time has passed and the characters are in a different location.

5. Add a plot twist: The scene could be more engaging if it included a plot twist. For example, the Ghost Masked Figure could turn out to be someone the characters did not expect, or Sidney's father could have been wrongly accused, and the real killer could still be on the loose. A plot twist will keep the audience guessing and make the story more unpredictable.



Scene 26 -  The Party Begins
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. SUPERMARKET

Sid pushes the cart out of the glass door with Tatum riding it.
The Ghost Masked Figure is nowhere to be found.

SIDNEY
What do you think about when you're having
sex?

TATUM
With Stu, there's little time to stop and
reflect. But sometimes before, to relax
and get in the mood, I think about Grant
Goodeve.

Sid pushes the cart and Tatum across the street.

SIDNEY
Who?

TATUM
Grant Goodeve the oldest brother on EIGHT
IS ENOUGH. Remember that show? He was the
one who lived off alone. He would come
around every now and then with his guitar
and sing "Eight is enough to fill our
lives with love... "He had all these brain
dead sisters and that idiot brother from
CHARLES IN CHARGE. God, I was in love with
Grant, he was so hot. The show came on
every day after school right during my
puberty years. Grant Goodeve was very
instrumental in my maturing as a woman.

SIDNEY
How does that get you in the mood with
Stu?

TATUM
During foreplay, I sing the theme song to
myself. "Eight is enough to fill our lives
with love... " It's a real turn on.

SIDNEY
No way.

TATUM
Grant wrote the song himself. I'm
convinced the lyrics had a secret meaning,
"Eight is enough... "

Sid pushes the cart up to Dewey's jeep. Tatum hops off.

SIDNEY
What secret meaning? Like a Satanical
thing?

TATUM
Watch the show, Sid. His basket is bigger
than the one you're pushing.
SIDNEY
TATUM!

TATUM
Oh, Sidney. WHAT? A guy can talk tits til
he's dead but the minute you mention an
eight inch weenie. Watch out.

Sidney stops just short of a laugh. Tatum pulls the back jeep
door, loading the groceries in. Behind her, the Ghost Masked
Figure appears, just out of their sight, behind the jeep's open
back door.

TATUM
There's that sense of humor. I knew it
still existed. Ohh, Sid, let's have some
fun tonight.

SIDNEY
Deal.

Sidney moves to the back door and closes it shut, when from
behind...

Dewey stands. Sid jumps, startled.

DEWEY
You girls ready.

SIDNEY
Yeah.

DEWEY
Looks like I'm your personal bodyguard
tonight, Sid.

TATUM
No, Dewey. You'll ruin the whole night.

DEWEY
Sorry, police orders. I'll stay out of the
way, I promise.

TATUM
Shit.

Tatum kicks the shopping cart out of the way, blindly. It rolls
down the road by itself, gaining speed on a decline running smack
into the Ghost Masked Figure who stops the cart cold with one
hand.


EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – NIGHT

Dewey's jeep makes it's way down a long, winding road. Headlights
illuminate the thick woods that line each side. Following behind
them at a discreet distance is a huge white newsvan.

Dewey comes to the end of the road. It dead ends at...
STU'S HOUSE which sits alone in a clearing, big and ominous with
no neighbors in sight. A huge old home just ripe for a night of
fun and... terror.

From the looks of things the party has already started. Music is
BLARING. A few KIDS hang on the porch.


INT. LIVING ROOM – MINUTES LATER

A big room with KIDS sprinkled throughout-smoking, drinking,
cutting up. A stereo BLASTS music while the TV airs around the
clock killer coverage.

Tatum and Sid enter with groceries. Various FRIENDS greet them.

TATUM
Caterer's here.

The girls carry bags through a hallway that opens up onto an
enormous kitchen. Stu and some GUYS are leaning over the sink
drinking beer through a funnel.

TATUM
That's mature.

STU
Where you guys been? We had to start
without you.


EXT. STU'S HOUSE – ROAD

The newsvan pulls up and parks unobtrusively on the side of the
road a few feet down from the front yard.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Tatum and Sidney go to the supermarket and encounter the Ghost Masked Figure, but are saved by Dewey. They then arrive at Stu's house for a party, where they meet up with various friends.
Strengths "The scene continues to build suspense with the presence of the Ghost Masked Figure, while also interjecting humor with Tatum's discussion of her fantasies. The dialogue is witty and snappy, staying true to the film's comedic undertones."
Weaknesses "The scene does not provide significant development in terms of plot or themes. It also lacks a clear emotional impact on the characters."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, my critique of this scene is that it lacks relevance to the plot of the story. It deviates from the main narrative, which can be problematic in terms of pacing and keeping the audience engaged. Additionally, the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, and the banter between the two characters doesn't serve to further the story. The introduction of the Ghost Masked Figure at the end of the scene feels out of place and doesn't have enough buildup or tension to be effective. Overall, the scene could benefit from trimming down and reworking the dialogue to better serve the plot.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. The opening dialogue between Sidney and Tatum about sex and Grant Goodeve seems out of place and forced. It doesn't really add anything to the plot or character development. Consider either removing it or finding a way to make it more relevant to the story.

2. Instead of Tatum kicking the shopping cart out of the way blindly, add some tension and suspense by having her accidentally knock into the Ghost Masked Figure, causing them to almost reveal themselves to the group.

3. The introduction of the news van following Dewey's jeep adds a sense of mystery and suspicion to the scene. Play this up more by having the newsvan park closer to the house or having someone notice it and become uneasy about its presence.

4. Instead of having Stu and his friends simply drinking beer through a funnel, add in some details that reveal more about their characters and their relationship with each other. For example, maybe Stu is initiating one of his friends into the group by making him do a drinking challenge.

5. Consider adding more description to the living room and kitchen scenes to make them feel more vibrant and alive. What kind of decorations or party favors are there? What kind of food is being served? The more details you provide, the more immersive the scene will be for the audience.



Scene 27 -  News Van and Kitchen
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. NEWSVAN

Kenny and Gale move around inside the van. Kenny hovers over a
control panel complete with video monitors.

KENNY
What's the plan?

GALE
Prep the compact, we'll hide it in a
window and tape all of tonight's
festivities.

Kenny picks up a compact video camera the size of his fist. He
checks its battery pack.

KENNY
The control board's glitched. You know we
can't carry a live picture.

GALE
What's the delay?
KENNY
About thirty seconds.

GALE
As long as it records I don't give a shit.
We're not doing a remote.

Gale slides open the side door and steps out into the darkness,
not seeing the FIGURE that stands behind her. A hand grabs her
shoulder, Gale's heart stops as she spins around to find...

Dewey, smiling, extremely pleased to see her.

DEWEY
Evening, ma'am.

GALE
Deputy... good evening.

DEWEY
What brings you out to these parts?

GALE
You never know when or where a story will
break.

DEWEY
Not much story here. Just a bunch of kids
cutting loose.

GALE
Then what are you doing here?

DEWEY
Keeping an eye on things. Checking the
place out.

GALE
Mind if I join you?

Dewey considers for a whole two seconds.

DEWEY
Not at all.

Gale leans in the van, grabs the camera from Kenny's hand, and
throws it in her bag. She gives Kenny a wink.


INT. KITCHEN

CLOSE ON A MICROWAVE

Popcorn POPS inside. CAMERA WIDENS TO REVEAL...

Sid, Stu, and Tatum moving about the kitchen, preparing a junk
food feast. Other TEENS pop in and out. Randy appears amongst
them. He carries an armful of videos.
RANDY
I thought we'd make it a BLOCKBUSTER
night.

He lets the videos splatter across the kitchen counter. Stu and
Tatum dive in.

STU
I thought everything was checked out.

RANDY
I had 'em hid in the foreign section.

Sidney peruses the videos.

SIDNEY
THE FOG, TERROR TRAIN, PROM NIGHT – How
come Jamie Lee Curtis is in all these
movies?

RANDY
She's the Scream Queen.

STU
With that set of lungs she should be.

TATUM
(to Sid)
Tits. See.
Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary Gale and Kenny plan to record the night's activities, but are confronted by Deputy Dewey. Meanwhile, the teens prepare for a Blockbuster movie night.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and engaging, particularly amongst the teens. The tension between Dewey and Gale adds to the suspenseful tone."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't add much to the overall plot, aside from showing the teens preparing for a movie night."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have personal and subjective opinions. However, the scene appears to be well-written in terms of its structure, dialogues, and characterizations. The scene creates conflict, suspense, and tension, particularly with the appearance of Dewey. The dialogue exchanges between Kenny and Gale provide information to the audience that foreshadows the events that might occur. The introduction of the popcorn and the selection of horror films provide a nice contrast to the seriousness and danger that the other scene presents. Nevertheless, it would be important to consider the pacing of the scene as it switches from one location to another, and the clarity of the visual descriptions for potential readers of the screenplay.
Suggestions There are several potential ways to improve this scene, depending on the intended tone and direction of the movie. Here are a few suggestions:

- Trim down the exposition. The dialogue in the first few lines feels a bit heavy-handed in terms of conveying information about the characters' plan and technical difficulties. Consider finding a way to show this through action or visual cues instead, or perhaps finding a more naturalistic way for the characters to discuss it.
- Build tension. The interaction between Gale and Dewey is perhaps the most interesting part of this scene, but it feels a bit rushed and low stakes at the moment. Consider slowing it down and adding more subtext or conflict between the characters. Are they flirting, or is Gale trying to manipulate him? Does Dewey suspect something about her?
- Consider the characters' voices. The dialogue in this scene feels somewhat generic and interchangeable between the characters. Think about how you can give each of them a more distinctive voice and personality.
- Add more visual interest. The action in this scene is largely limited to characters standing or sitting in a van or a kitchen. Consider finding ways to make the setting more visually dynamic, perhaps by playing with camera angles or movement.



Scene 28 -  Party and Media Drama
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM – FEW MINUTES LATER

The party is going strong. Ten maybe fifteen people stand, sit,
lean. Some crowd around the floor in front of the television.
Randy is taking a vote.

RANDY
How many EVIL DEAD'S?
(hands go up)
How many HELLRAISER'S?

Hands go up. BICKERING AD-LIB, etc.

The doorbell RINGS. Stu goes for it.

STU
I got it. Tatum get me a beer. They're in
the fridge in the garage.

TATUM
What am I? The beer wench?

STU (O.S.)
Hey, guess who's here? It's that chick
from INSIDE STORY?

They look up the hallway to see Dewey and Gale standing in the
foyer.
TATUM
Shit, Dewey!

Everyone perks up, eyeing Gale.

TATUM
What is she doing here?

DEWEY
She's with me. I just wanted to check on
things.

The GUYS in the room are drooling over Gale. Including Stu.

TATUM
So you did. Now leave... and take your
media muff with you.

Tatum takes off for the kitchen.

Gale has quickly become the focus of the party. All eyes are on
her.

SOME TEEN
I watch your show regularly.

STU
This must be big news to be on INSIDE
STORY.

GALE
Huge.

ANOTHER TEEN
Wanna interview us?

RANDY
We could be like two grief stricken
students and we'll say really nice things
about our good friends who were
slaughtered senselessly.

STU
I can cry on cue.

Gale eyes the bookshelf above the television.

GALE
Maybe later?

Suddenly, Gale starts to COUGH.

GALE
Can I trouble you for some water?

STU
How 'bout a beer? Randy, get the lady a
beer.
RANDY
You get it.

Gale slips the camera from her bag, hits the ON switch and holds
it behind her... waiting for the right moment.


BACK IN FOYER

SIDNEY
Have they found my father?

DEWEY
Afraid not.

SIDNEY
Should I be worried?

DEWEY
Not yet.


INT. KITCHEN

Tatum is alone in the kitchen. She empties popcorn into a bowl,
then pulls open the refrigerator... looks quickly, then
remembers...

She moves through the adjoining laundry room to the...
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The party is going strong and Randy takes a vote on which movie to watch. Stu goes to answer the doorbell and the room becomes transfixed on Gale, who has arrived with Dewey. The group discusses being interviewed by Gale for Inside Story and Gale starts coughing, prompting her to uncover her camera.
Strengths "Dialogue is witty and draws interest to both the party-goers and Gale. There is a clear sense of character personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene does not add much to the overall plot and is not very intense."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be well-written and moves the plot forward smoothly. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the action and dialogue could be more descriptive and distinct. For example, it's not clear exactly what "BICKERING AD-LIB" means, and it would be more effective to provide specific lines or actions for the characters.

Secondly, some of the dialogue feels forced or unnatural. For instance, when Gale says "Huge" in response to being asked if it's big news to be on Inside Story, it's not clear what she's referring to or how that response is relevant.

Finally, there could be more visual and sensory elements to the scene to heighten the tension and suspense. For instance, instead of just saying "All eyes are on her," the scene could include descriptions of people's expressions and movements, as well as details about the atmosphere (music, lighting, etc.).

Overall, though, this scene is well-structured and serves its purpose in developing the characters and advancing the plot.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Develop the conflict: While there is some bickering and tension between the characters, it would be beneficial to add more conflict to keep the audience engaged. Consider adding a new character or bringing up an old conflict to ramp up the tension.

2. Focus on character development: The scene could benefit from exploring the characters' personalities and motivations. This could be done through dialogue or actions that reveal more about each character's personality.

3. Create a sense of urgency: Adding an element of danger or suspense to the scene could make it more exciting. For example, is someone in danger of being caught or is there a looming threat outside the party?

4. Show, don't tell: While dialogue is essential in a script, it's also important to show the action onscreen. Instead of having characters tell us what's happening (i.e., "All eyes are on her"), show the party-goers' reactions to Gale's arrival.

5. Add meaningful subtext: The scene could be elevated by adding subtext to the dialogue and actions. For example, maybe Gale's coughing is a sign of something more sinister or Tatum's quick exit to the laundry room could hint at her feeling uneasy or anxious.



Scene 29 -  Tatum's Final Fight
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. GARAGE

The kitchen door opens and light floods the darkened garage. Tatum
stands in the doorway searching for a light switch.

She finds a button and hits it. BRRRRMMM! The electric garage door
starts to rise. Wrong switch. She hits it again and it closes.

She finds another switch. CLICK. A small lightbulb overhead comes
on, barely lighting the large two car garage, leaving pockets of
shadows along the wall.

Tatum spots the refrigerator against a far wall and heads for it,
not seeing the kitchen door, quietly, slowly, closing behind her,
sealing her off from the rest of the house.

Tatum stumbles to the refrigerator and throws it open. Its light
casts a glow across her face.

CRASH-BOOM!

Tatum jumps, spinning around just in time to see a cat escape
through a large pet door that's built into the garage door. She
smiles at her jumpiness.

Tatum loads up with as many beer as her hands will carry and heads
back to the kitchen.
At the kitchen door, she juggles the beer, reaching for the knob.
It's locked.

TATUM
SHIT!

She KICKS it with her foot several times.

TATUM
Hey, Shitheads!

A moment. No answer.

TATUM
OH, SHIT PISS!

Tatum leans over and, with her elbow, hits the garage door button.
BRRRMM! It begins to rise.

She moves towards the rising door, beer in hand. Suddenly, CRR-
BRRRM! The garage door RESETS, reversing direction, moving down,
closing.

TATUM
What the...

Tatum spins around to see...


A GHOST MASKED FIGURE

Silhouetted in the dark, next to the kitchen door, his hand on the
switch. Tatum at once GASPS, taken back, but then relaxes.

TATUM
Is that you, Randy? Cute.

The Figure stares at her, blankly.

TATUM
And what movie is this from? I SPIT ON
YOUR GARAGE.

Tatum takes a step towards the Figure.

TATUM
Lose the mask. If Sidney sees it, she'll
flip.

The Figure shakes his head slowly from side to side.

TATUM
Oh, you wanna play psycho killer?

The Figure slowly nods.

TATUM
Can I be the helpless victim?

The Figure slowly nods again.
TATUM
Okay, let's see. "No, please don't kill
me, Mr. Ghostface. I want to be in the
sequel."

Tatum takes a step to move around the Figure, but he steps too,
blocking her.

TATUM
Cut, Casper. That's a wrap.

Tatum moves again, sidestepping the Figure, but he's faster and
cuts her off.

Tatum juggles the beer against her chest with one hand and with
the other pushes the Figure hard, knocking him aside.

TATUM
Randy, will you stop?

But as the Figure intercepts, lunging forward, grabbing her wrist
hard, Tatum stumbles... beer cans hit the floor, spewing...

TATUM
You little shit.

Tatum yanks hard, releasing his hold when a flash of silver
catches her eye. She looks down, glimpsing a long sharp blade as
it darts forward, cutting into her forearm...

Tatum pulls back, horrified, as the moment turns deadly serious.

The Figure advances on her, knife out, ready. She staggers
backwards, holding her bloody arm, backing into the refrigerator,
SCREAMING.

TATUM
Who are you?

The Figure lashes out with the knife. Tatum dodges it, leaping
back against the fridge. The Figure advances. Instinctively, she
rips the top freezer door open, BASHING the FIGURE in the face,
sending him backwards, reeling.

Tatum bolts to the... CLOSED GARAGE DOOR. In a panic, she BEATS
and PULLS on it, trying to make it lift. She eyes the Figure...
he's recovering...

She goes for the pet door, dropping to the floor, diving for it...
she wedges her upper body through, her head, shoulders, torso just
as the...

Figure pounces, grabbing hold of her feet. Tatum goes crazy
SCREAMING and KICKING trying to get through.


EXT. GARAGE DOOR

Tatum is half in/half out of the pet door. She BEATS and JERKS
wildly, unable to see the Figure on the other side...
A true fighter, Tatum kicks hard, making direct contact with the
Figure, knocking him away.

She takes the moment to pull herself through further... but she
stops... stuck. She pulls and tugs but can't move. She listens but
hears nothing. Where did he go? An agonizing silence. And then...

CRR-BRRRM! The garage door is activated. It begins to rise upward,
taking Tatum with it. She SCREAMS MADLY.

TATUM
NOOOOOOOO...

Tatum's arms and legs fly about violently as she tries to free
herself from the door, but it moves too fast, carrying her up...

She looks above to see where the door rolls back into garage
rafters just as her neck hits the first beam, SNAPPING instantly.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Tatum is attacked by the Ghost Masked Figure in the dark garage. After a playful exchange, the figure reveals himself as a real killer and pursues Tatum with a knife. Tatum fights back and eventually gets stuck in a pet door in the garage door. As the garage door is raised, Tatum is lifted upwards, and her neck snaps when it hits a beam in the rafters.
Strengths
  • Intense and suspenseful scene
  • Strong visual descriptions and action
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue feels forced or cliche
Critique The scene is well written and is effective in building tension and suspense. The setting and the actions of the character are clearly described, which helps the reader to visualize the scene. The dialogue is also well-written and serves to reveal the character's personality and motivations.

One potential weakness of the scene is that it relies heavily on horror movie cliches, such as the masked figure and the helpless victim. While these conventions can be effective in creating suspense and fear, they can also seem predictable and formulaic.

Another weakness is that the scene may be overly violent and gruesome for some audiences. While this may be appropriate for a horror movie, it could turn off some viewers or readers.

Overall, the scene is well executed and effectively builds tension and suspense, but could benefit from more original and nuanced storytelling.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is fast-paced and suspenseful, but there are a few potential improvements that could enhance the tension and pacing.

1. Build up the suspense: The scene could benefit from a slower build-up of tension, rather than jumping straight into the action. Perhaps Tatum could hear a noise in the garage before she enters, making her cautious and on-edge.

2. Give the killer more agency: The masked figure could be more active and strategic in his pursuit of Tatum, rather than simply reacting to her movements. He could trap her in the garage by disabling the automatic door opener from the outside, for example.

3. Use setting to create more obstacles: The garage could be used more effectively to create obstacles for Tatum. She could get trapped behind cars or toolboxes, allowing the killer to get closer and closer.

4. Heighten the violence: While the scene is already quite violent, there could be more graphic detail added to Tatum's injury to increase its impact on the audience.

5. Create a false sense of escape: Just when it seems like Tatum may escape, something unexpected could happen to bring her back into danger. This could be a way to keep the tension high throughout the scene.



Scene 30 -  Forgiveness and Confession
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. FOYER – MINUTES LATER

It's getting late and SOME KIDS leave through the front door,
muttering, "parents and curfew", etc. The door hangs open wide.
Sid moves to close it when... .

Billy appears in a classic fake scare.

SIDNEY
Billy? Jesus, you scared me.

Stu appears.

STU
(with a wink)
Dude. What are you doing here?

BILLY
I was hoping Sid and I could talk.

SIDNEY
If Tatum sees you she'll draw blood.

STU
You guys can go up to my parents room? To
talk and... whatever.

BILLY
Subtlety, Stu. Look it up.

SIDNEY
It's okay. We need to talk.

Sid grabs his hand and leads him up the staircase. Randy appears
from the kitchen just in time to see Sid and Billy disappear
upstairs.

RANDY
What's Leatherface doing here?
STU
He came to make up.

RANDY
There goes my chance with Sid.

STU
Like you had one.


INT. NEWSVAN

Kenny fidgets at the control board. He hits a coupla buttons,
bangs the side of the monitor and a picture emerges... the living
room. The camera is positioned just above the television...


ON SCREEN

The party is in full swing. Several TEENS sit right in front of
the television. Because of the camera's position they appear to be
staring right into the lens.

Suddenly, the van's side door slides open and Gale pops in.

KENNY
Got a picture. Perfect placement. We can
see everything.

Gale is ecstatic.

GALE
Tell me, Kenny, has a cheesy tabloid
journalist ever won the Pulitzer?


INT. BEDROOM

A large, master bedroom with glass doors that lead out onto a
balcony.

Sid and Billy stare at each other for a long moment. Awkward.

SIDNEY
So...

BILLY
So... I'm sorry. I've been a selfish shit
and I'm sorry.

SIDNEY
No, Billy. I'm the one who's been selfish
and self-absorbed with all of my post
traumatic stress.

BILLY
You lost your mom...
SIDNEY
But you're right. Enough is enough. I
can't wallow in the grief process forever
and I can't keep lying to myself about who
my mom was.

Billy bows his head quietly, knowingly.

SIDNEY
I think in some weird analytical,
psychological bullshit way I'm scared I'm
gonna turn out just like her, you know?
Like the bad seed or something...

BILLY
Oh Sidney...

SIDNEY
Everytime I get close to you I see my mom.
I know it doesn't make sense.

BILLY
Sure it does. It's like Jodie Foster in
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS when she kept having
flashbacks of her dead father.

SIDNEY
But this is life. This isn't a movie.

BILLY
Sure it is, Sid. It's all a movie. Life's
one great big movie. Only you can't pick
your genre.

Billy moves to her. They embrace, tenderly.

SIDNEY
I wanna let go. I do...

BILLY
Ssshh... everything's gonna be okay. I
promise.

Sidney takes the initiative, acting on impulse, kissing him long
and hard. She breaks away passionately, out of breath.

SIDNEY
Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie?

Billy nibbles her neck.

BILLY
Sshh... it's okay.

SIDNEY
Or even a good porno.

BILLY
(shocked)
What?
She stares at him, her eyes sexually charged.

SIDNEY
You heard me.

BILLY
(incredulous)
Are you serious?

SIDNEY
(surprising herself)
Yeah... I think so.

They smile at each other.
Genres: ["Horror","Romance","Satire"]

Summary Sidney and Billy finally confront their past traumas and confess their feelings for each other, while the rest of the teens party and are being secretly filmed by Gale and Kenny
Strengths "Strong character development and emotional depth, building tension amidst a party, and lighthearted comedy to offset heavy themes."
Weaknesses "The tension build-up might be too slow and the comedic elements may feel forced."
Critique Overall, this scene has good intentions but needs some work on execution. The dialogue is often cliche and lacks emotional depth. The scene is also overly reliant on movie references to convey character emotions and thoughts.

One issue is the lack of specificity in the characters' emotions. They talk about "making up" and being sorry, but we don't get a sense of what specifically caused their conflict or what they are apologizing for. This makes it less impactful and harder to connect with the characters.

Additionally, the use of movie references to explain character motivations is not particularly effective. When Billy compares Sidney's feelings to Jodie Foster's character in Silence of the Lambs, it feels like a lazy way to dodge having to actually explain the character's motivations. We want to hear about what Sidney is feeling, not just have it explained away with a movie reference.

Finally, the sexual tension between Sidney and Billy feels forced and out of place. It's okay to have romantic tension in a horror movie, but it needs to feel earned and natural. The sudden shift from emotional conversation to a desire for sexual fulfillment feels like a bad attempt at titillation rather than something that adds to the story.

Overall, there's potential here, but some significant reworking is needed to make this scene feel more realistic and emotionally resonant.
Suggestions The scene is a bit clunky and could benefit from some tweaks to heighten the tension and make it more impactful. Here are some suggestions:

- Add more tension to the scene by having the atmosphere feel tense and uneasy. Perhaps one of the kids leaving the party outside could be seen looking suspiciously at Billy as they exit.

- Show more of Sidney's interior struggle with her grief and her fear of becoming like her mother through her dialogue and actions. This could create a stronger emotional payoff when she finally decides to let go and be with Billy.

- Consider revising the dialogue between Sidney and Billy to make it more natural and less clichéd. They could talk about their hopes and fears for the future, their goals and aspirations, or their favorite memories of each other instead of referencing movies.

- Introduce some conflict into the scene, either through the appearance of a third party or through a disagreement between Billy and Sidney. This would add more drama to the scene and make it more memorable.

- Tighten up the pacing by cutting out any unnecessary dialogue or actions, such as the exchange between Stu and Randy or the introduction of the news van crew. This would keep the scene focused on Sidney and Billy's interaction and make it more impactful.



Scene 31 -  Horror Movie Rules
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM – MINUTES LATER

The camera sits on the book shelf lodged between two knickknacks,
completely inconspicuous. The CAMERA WIDENS to reveal several
TEENS watching the TV. The horror diehards.

TEEN #1
Look, here it comes. SPLAT!

TEEN #2
The blood's not the right color. Why do
they do that? It's too red.

RANDY
Here comes another...

TEEN #3
Predictable. Knew he was going to bite it.

BORED TEEN
How can you watch this shit over and over?

RANDY
Shhhhh.

STU
I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do
we see Jamie Lee's breasts?

RANDY
Not until TRADING PLACES in '83. Jamie Lee
was always the virgin in horror movies.
She didn't show her tits until she went
legit.

BOY TEEN
No way.

RANDY
That's why she always lived. Only virgins
can outsmart the killer in the big chase
scene in the end. Don't you know the
rules?
Stu finishes his beer.

STU
What rules?

Randy hits the pause button on the remote and stands in front of
the television, explaining.

RANDY
There are certain rules that one must
abide by in order to successfully survive
a horror movie. For instance: 1. You can
never have sex. The minute you get a
little nookie – you're as good as gone.
Sex always equals death. 2. Never drink or
do drugs. The sin factor. It's an
extension of number one. And 3. Never,
ever, ever, under any circumstances, say
"I'll be right back."

STU
Wanna another beer?

RANDY
Yeah.

STU
I'll be right back.

Everybody "ooohhs".

RANDY
There he goes folks – a dead man. Wave
bye-bye.


INT. NEWSVAN – CONTINUOUS

Gale and Kenny watch the monitor. The party is clearing out some

A RAP at the van door. Gale pulls it open to see Deputy Riley
standing, his face all smiles.

DEWEY
Sheriff just radioed me. I'm gonna check
out a possible lead. Thought you might
like to join me.

GALE
What kind of lead?

DEWEY
A car was spotted in the bushes a little
ways up the road.

GALE
I'd love to. If you're sure it's alright?

DEWEY
Ma'am, I am the Deputy of this town.
GALE
Can I bring Kenny?

DEWEY
(too quickly)
NO! I mean... I should probably take just
you.

Gale steps out of the van turning back to Kenny.

GALE
I'll be back.

She slides the van door closed.


EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS

Gale heads for Dewey's patrol jeep.

DEWEY
Actually, I thought we could walk. It's
not far.

Gale appears skeptical, but smiles anyway. She's genuinely smitten
by this young guy.


INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

SCARY MUSIC fills the room. The party is reduced to the diehards
in front of the television.

RANDY
(pointing to TV)
Look, here comes the obligatory tit shot.

OTHER GUYS
Beautiful! Finally!


INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Billy and Sidney are going at it... passionately. He has his head
buried in her neck.

SIDNEY
(to herself)
"Eight is enough to fill our lives with
love..."

It's working. Sidney pushes Billy off her as she pulls her shirt
over her head. She fumbles with the clasp of her bra as the...

CAMERA RUSHES IN on her breasts. Just as Sid's bra straps slide of
her shoulders...

Billy moves in front of the CAMERA, pulling his jeans off,
Blocking Sidney from view.
INT. LIVING ROOM – SECONDS LATER

Back in the living room, the horror fest continues when the phone
RINGS. Everyone ignores it. It RINGS again.

Finally, Randy grabs the receiver from the side table.

RANDY
Hello? Yeah... HOLY SHIT.

Randy, freaked, drops the phone, finds the TV remote and pauses
the movie, the others protest "Hey, Put is back..." etc.

RANDY
Listen up. They found Principal Himbry
dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal
post on the football field.

This stills the room. Complete silence as the news sinks in. On
different faces... a moment of devastation...disbelief. And then:

TEEN #1
So what are we waiting for?

TEEN #2
Let's get over there before they pry him
down.

And in seconds the room is empty as everyone bolts for the
door...HOOTIN' and HOLLERIN' ... leaving Randy, near drunk, alone
in the living room. He returns to the movie.

RANDY
We were just getting to the good part.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Romance"]

Summary The teens watch a horror movie, but Randy interrupts to share the rules of surviving a horror movie. Meanwhile, Gale and Dewey investigate a lead, Sidney and Billy have sex, and Tatum is attacked in the garage.
Strengths "Well-written tension and dark humor, effective use of horror movie tropes and rules, well-executed plot twists and surprises, strong character development"
Weaknesses "Some characters are underdeveloped or stereotyped, some dialogue can be clich\u00e9d or overly cheesy"
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and effectively sets up the tone and theme of the movie. The dialogue is realistic for teenagers and establishes the rules and conventions of the horror genre in a clever and entertaining way. However, there are a few issues to address.

Firstly, the description of the camera widening to reveal the teens feels unnecessary and breaks the flow of the scene. It can be inferred that the camera is focused on the TV and the characters are in the background without stating it explicitly.

Secondly, the scene with Billy and Sidney is somewhat gratuitous. The close-up on Sidney's breasts is objectifying and unnecessary for the narrative. It may be better to leave the scene to the imagination of the audience rather than resorting to cheap titillation.

Lastly, the jump from the discovery of the dead principal to the excitement of the teens leaving the party feels somewhat abrupt. It may be better to have a moment of reflection or shock before the teens decide to investigate and make sure the stakes of the horror are clear.

Overall, this scene effectively introduces the horror genre and establishes the rules while also providing some character development and humor. With a few tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions 1. One suggestion would be to add more tension to the scene by having the characters discuss the recent murders and their fears that they could be next. This would add to the suspense and increase the sense of danger.

2. Another suggestion would be to add more dimension to the characters, giving them more individual personalities and conflict. This would make the scene more interesting and engaging for the audience.

3. Additionally, it might be helpful to have the scene tie back into the main plot of the story in a more substantial way. This would give the scene more purpose and make it feel more integral to the overall story.



Scene 32 -  The Ghost Figure Attacks Billy and Sidney
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. NEWSVAN – MINUTES LATER

Kenny is barely watching the monitor, he reached boredom some time
ago. He finds a bag of Cheetos and chows down when he hears
SCREAMING from outside. He peers out the window to see the last of
the PARTY KIDS pile into two cars and race off down the road.

He chews a Cheeto slowly, his interest piqued.


INT. BEDROOM – MINUTES LATER

The sex is over... and both Sid and Billy are dressing
respectively. That post-sex awkwardness.

Sid brushes out her hair as her eyes come to rest on the telephone
on the nightstand... it puzzles her as a stark reveleation crosses
her face. She turns to Billy who sits on the floor, putting on his
shoes.

SIDNEY
Who did you call?
BILLY
What?

SIDNEY
When you're arrested you're allowed one
phone call? Who did you call?

BILLY
I called my dad.

SIDNEY
No, Sheriff Burke called your dad. I saw
him.

BILLY
Yeah... and when I called no one answered.

SIDNEY
Uh-huh.

BILLY
You don't still think it was me?

SIDNEY
No, but if it were you, that would have
been a very clever way to throw me off
track. Using your one phone call to call
me so I wouldn't think it was you.

Billy stands up.

BILLY
What do I have to do to prove to you I'm
not a killer?

He makes a move toward her when...from behind, in a split instant,
from the open balcony doors comes...


THE GHOST FIGURE

Sidney sees the Figure immediately, SCREAMING. Billy tries to calm
her, oblivious to the advancing Ghost.

SIDNEY
BILLYWATCHOUT!!!!

Billy barely turns as a long steely blade rises high in the air.
It strikes down with force... hitting his chest as blood sprays
the air.


ON SIDNEY

As red crimson splatters across her face... as the knife is thrust
in and out of Billy who tries hard to put up a fight... but it's
useless... he never had a chance. His body falls to the floor...
lifeless.
ANGLE ON GHOST

As he watches Billy's body come to a still before quietly, calmly
turning his attention to...

Sidney who stands, numb... scared to death. And only when the
Ghost takes a step forward does Sidney break. She takes off like a
rocket... leaping over the bed and out the door.


INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Sidney tears out the door and down the hall, coated in Billy's
blood.


ANGLE ON THE GHOST

As he catches up with her, grabbing hold of her collar. She pulls
away from him... her shirt ripping down the back.

Her hands find a door knob and she goes for it, pulling the door
open... moving quickly inside... locking it behind her.


INT. DARK SPACE – CONTINUOUS

Total darkness. Sidney's hands scour the wall for a light switch.
The doorknob turns... the lock holds... as the door is nearly
SHAKEN from it's hinges... and then...

NOTHING. All goes silent. Only Sidney's rapid BREATHING fills the
space around her.

Sidney, trembling, shaking, reaches above her, feeling, until she
finds a string. She pulls it... as a lightbulb SWITCHES on
overhead.

She's in a small box of a room. The door is on one side, a small,
narrow staircase on the other. She eyes the doorknob, then the
staircase... contemplating... but it's an easy decision. There's
no fucking way she's going up to the attic.

She unlocks the door and pushes on it. But it won't give... she
pushes on it again. It's locked from the other side. Shit. She
turns to the staircase.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney and Billy have just finished having sex when they are attacked by the Ghost Figure. Billy is killed and Sidney flees, ending up trapped in a small room.
Strengths "The tension is palpable throughout the scene and the stakes are high as Sidney is pursued by the Ghost. The reveal of the Ghost's true identity creates a shocking moment."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat heavy-handed in its attempt to create suspense, and some of the character actions are predictable."
Critique This scene from the horror movie Scream is written fairly well. There is a good use of tension and suspense in building up to the appearance of the Ghost Figure. The dialogue between Sidney and Billy serves to escalate the conflict and raise the stakes. However, there are some points for improvement.

Firstly, the opening scene in the newsvan feels unnecessary and does not contribute much to the plot. It could be removed without affecting the overall story.

Secondly, the actions of the Ghost Figure are too predictable and convenient. It would be more engaging if there were some element of surprise or mystery surrounding the character.

Lastly, the description of the physical actions during the fight scene could be more detailed and specific, so that the reader can visualize the action more clearly. Overall, this scene effectively builds tension and hints at future danger, but could benefit from sharper writing.
Suggestions Firstly, it would be helpful to establish the location and context of this scene within the larger story. Second, the action seems rushed and could benefit from more description and detail. What is the tone of the scene? Is it tense, scary, or suspenseful? Does the dialogue feel natural for the characters' circumstances? It would also be helpful to provide more insight into the Ghost Figure and their motivations. Overall, the scene needs more depth and nuance to keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.



Scene 33 -  The Killer Strikes Back
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. DARK ROAD – CONTINUOUS

A long, deserted country road. In the distance, a single
flashlight beams ahead, the only light in the black night. Gale
and Dewey can be heard.

GALE
So is Dewey your real name?

DEWEY
Dwight. Dewey was something I got stuck
with a long time ago.
GALE
I like it. It's... sexy.

DEWEY
Nah... it's just this town's way of not
taking me serious.

GALE
What about Gale Weathers? I sound like a
meteorologist...


CLOSE ON GALE AND DEWEY

Walking closely, side by side-flirtatiously. Gale is surprisingly
nervous.

GALE
People treat me like the Antichrist of
television journalism.

DEWEY
I don't think you're so bad.

Gale smiles.

GALE
Are all the local boys as sweet as you?

Dewey blushes. He starts to say something when headlights appear
behind them. They both spin as TWO CARS loaded with KIDS come
racing right at them.

Dewey grabs Gale and pushes her off the road... just as the cars
speed by, oblivious to them.


IN THE DITCH

Gale lands face up with Dewey right on top of her. He steals a
glance in her eyes before rolling off her.

DEWEY
You okay?

Something takes Gale's attention.

GALE
What's that?

Dewey looks to where gale points. He finds the flashlight and aims
it into the bush. The tail end of a car is just visible.

DEWEY
Looks like a car.

Dewey helps her up and they move to it. He shines the flashlight
on the plates but it's already obvious to the CAMERA. This is the
same car we last saw Sidney's father driving away in.
DEWEY
Shit. It's Neil Prescott's car.

GALE
Sidney's father?

DEWEY
We gotta get back. Jesus. He's here. What
the fuck is he doing here?

Dewey is panicked. He grabs Gale and they race off down the road.


INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Randy continues to watch TV. He is now sloppy drunk, completely
involved in the movie on the screen.

SCARY MUSIC SWELLS, filling the room.

RANDY
(to TV)
No, Jamie. Look behind you! Watch out!
Behind you!

And if he followed his own advice, he would see the Ghost Masked
Figure that stands directly behind him... knife poised.


INT. NEWSVAN – CONTINUOUS

Kenny finishes off a soda and crushes the can in his hand. He
tosses it to the floor when a movement from the monitor catches
his eye.

ON THE MONITOR is Randy, still on the couch, engrossed in the
movie. Directly behind him... the GHOST. Kenny does a double-take.
No fucking way. He watches as the GHOST stands still, unmoving,
knife raised.

KENNY
JESUS... FUCK...

The Ghost takes a silent step forward.

KENNY
(screaming at the monitor)
BEHIND YOU! LOOK BEHIND YOU!

This kid needs help. Kenny bolts out of his seat and goes for the
side door. He slides it open and sticks his head out as...


A LONG, SHARP BLADE

Comes at Kenny, fast and furious... slicing into his throat. Kenny
falls forward... out the door as the Ghost Masked Figure is upon
him.
THE CAMERA PANS TO THE MONITOR

Just in time to see the Ghost Masked Figure turn away from Randy,
leaving him unharmed, moving instead, out the front door, on a
thirty second walk to the newsvan.


INT. ATTIC – CONTINUOUS

The attic is long and narrow... cluttered with furniture, boxes,
and the likes... moonlight filters in through a small raised
window on the front wall of the house.

Sidney moves through the attic... BUMPING into this, KNOCKING over
that... she passes a dusty mirror, jumping at her own reflection.
She cringes at her image, drenched in Billy's blood. She stares
long and hard... something about the blood, the redness of it. She
moves on, determined.

She eyes the raised window above her... a way out... if she could
only reach it...


EXT. FRONT YARD

Gale and Dewey come running up the drive, frantic.

DEWEY
I'll call for backup.

GALE
I'll get my camera.

They split up. The CAMERA FOLLOWS GALE as she rushes to the
newsvan, throwing open the door.

GALE
Kenny! Camera! Quick!

The van is empty.

GALE
Kenny?

A CAR HORN goes off. Gale spins around. It came from the patrol
jeep in the driveway.

GALE
(calling out)
Dewey?

She moves across the yard to the jeep, the door hangs open...
Dewey is nowhere to be found.

GALE
Dewey? Where are you?

A look of pure dread comes over Gale.
INT. ATTIC – CONTINUOUS

Sidney has stacked object after object building a ladder to the
window. She climbs to the top, holding onto the window frame.

She spots Gale almost immedietely. She SCREAMS OUT, looking for
the window latch. But there's not one. It doesn't open. Sidney
starts beating on it... trying to break it...
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Gale and Dewey discover Sidney's father's car, Randy and Kenny are attacked by the Ghost Masked Figure, and Sidney tries to escape via the attic.
Strengths "Intense and suspenseful with a lot of unexpected plot twists."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger."
Critique Overall, this scene has good pacing and tension, with the characters being in constant danger and the mystery of who the Ghost Masked Figure is still unresolved. However, there are a few areas that could be improved in terms of dialogue and characterization.

One issue is that the dialogue can come off as a bit cheesy and clichéd at times, particularly with the flirtatious banter between Gale and Dewey. Some of it feels forced and doesn't add much to the plot or character development. It may be beneficial to streamline the dialogue and focus more on the action and suspense.

Additionally, the characters of Gale and Dewey could benefit from more fleshing out. While they have some backstory revealed, their motivations and personalities could be more complex. Right now, they feel somewhat one-dimensional and serve primarily as plot devices to move the story forward.

Finally, there could be more description and detail in the scene to enhance the visual storytelling. While the action is well-paced, more sensory details and imagery could help to immerse the audience in the scene and make it more vivid. Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from some further revisions.
Suggestions Overall, there are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension and suspense: The beginning of the scene sets up some tension with the cars racing down the road, but it quickly dwindles as Gale and Dewey are pushed off the road and the cars pass them without incident. To make the scene more exciting, consider adding more danger or threats. Perhaps the cars could be swerving out of control, or they could screech to a stop and a group of masked figures could emerge.

2. Show, don't tell: In the dialog, Gale and Dewey talk about their names and the way they are perceived by others, but this is mostly just telling the audience about their characters. Instead, consider showing their personalities through their actions and reactions to the events of the scene.

3. Clarify motivations: When Dewey discovers Neil Prescott's car, he immediately panics, but it's unclear why he's so worried. Similarly, when Gale sees that Kenny is missing from the news van, she is quickly filled with dread, but it's not clear why. Providing more context and motivation for these characters will make their actions and emotions more relatable.

4. Use visuals to enhance the horror: The scene in the attic has the potential to be really scary, but it's mostly just described in general terms. To make it more effective, use visual and sensory details to bring the environment to life and emphasize the horror of the situation. For example, describe the musty smell of the attic, the creaking of the floorboards, and the shadows cast by the moonlight.



Scene 34 -  Final Showdown at Stu Maker's House
  • Overall: 10.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FRONT DOOR – CONTINUOUS

Gale, hanging tough, approaches the front door, unable to hear
Sidney's SCREAMS three floors up. Gale reaches for the door just
as she hears LOUD, HORRIBLE SHRIEKS from just inside. She backs
away.


INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

AN EAR-CURDLING JAMIE LEE CURTIS SCREAM BLASTS through the empty
living room as the horror movie on TV comes to it's horrifying
climax.

Randy is now gone.


EXT. FRONT YARD – CONTINUOUS

Gale races across the yard putting distance between her and the
house. She moves back to the van...


INT. ATTIC – CONTINUOUS

Sidney has found an old tennis racket. She swings a solid forehand
at the window.


THE WINDOW SPRAYS GLASS

Sidney moves quickly, lifting herself up over broken glass and
pulling herself through the window frame.


EXT. SIDE OF THE HOUSE

Sidney wastes no time. She looks for Gale, SCREAMING, but Gale is
gone.

Sid lowers herself down the ledge, sliding down a sloped portion
of the roof onto...


THE MASTER'S BEDROOM BALCONY

Then she eases herself over the railing and lowers herself,
letting herself hang as low as she can... then she lets go, free-
falling the rest of the way... but in a split instant...
THE GHOST APPEARS

Grabbing her wrists in midair.

Her body hangs, dangling against the side of the house. The Ghost
begins to lift her, pulling her back onto the balcony.

Sidney jerks, pulls, twists... but the HANDS have her, hoisting
her up... Sidney SCREAMS MADLY... yanking one last time, freeing
herself.

SHE DROPS TO THE GROUND, a good seven feet, landing on her back,
hitting hard. She grabs at a pained leg and brings herself
upright.


INT. NEWSVAN – CONTINUOUS

Gale is frantic. She starts the engine up and hits the headlights
when she discovers she can't see out of the windshield.

Gale rubs at the glass. Sure enough, something is on the
windshield outside, blocking her sight. Gale hits the wipers as
BLOOD SMEARS across the glass, it drips down from above.

Gale SCREAMS as a HAND reaches in through the open window... she
looks up to see...

Randy, staring at her madly.

RANDY
What's going on?

A sheer moment of fear as Gale hits the gas plummeting the car
forward, into a ditch. She hits the BRAKES. Randy is thrown
forward, away from the van.

Gale reverses, backs up, hits the brakes again... just as Kenny's
face comes sliding down the outside of the windshield... eyes
wide, face distorted, blood everywhere.

Gale hits the gas, and yanks the wheel, sending Kenny's corpse
flying off the top of the van.

Gale spins the van around, onto the road, hits the gas madly,
gaining speed just as...


SIDNEY APPEARS

In the middle of the road, drenched in blood, very much resembling
a young Sissy Spacek.

Gale swerves to miss her, but she turns too sharp and the van
veers off the road at top speed... flipping over on its side,
sliding off into the thick foliage.
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS

Sidney races to where the van lay on it's side. Sidney peers
through the windshield... Gale's body lay limp and bloody.

SIDNEY CRIES OUT, turning, limping to the driveway. She sees the
patrol jeep with it's open door... she goes for it.


INT. JEEP

Sidney hops in, reaches for the ignition... NO KEYS! Shit. Just
then, Sidney's eyes go to the front porch. She watches as the
front door opens and a FIGURE appears in the darkness,
undetectable.

Sidney throws the headlights... illuminating the front side of the
house, revealing...

DEWEY STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.

SIDNEY
DEWEY!

Sidney opens the jeep door, moving to him, noticing his body,
slumped, knees buckled...

And then his body falls forward, slowly, deliberately, hitting the
porch hard. Standing behind him is...


THE GHOST

SIDNEY SCREAMS FROM THE BOTTOM OF HER SOUL.

SIDNEY
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sid jumps back inside the jeep, closing the door, locking it. She
reaches over and locks the passenger's door and then she... waits.

And watches as the Ghost leans over Dewey's still body, fumbling
with something. Then the Figure stands upright, in his hands he
holds...


THE KEYS

They jingle in the wind, the Ghost toying with her, enjoying
this...

Sidney, hysterical, locks eyes with the Figure as he moves to the
door, Sidney leaps on it, holding the lock button down, making it
impossible to unlock. Her face is pressed against the glass...
inches from the Masked Figure.

She uses every ounce of strength when suddenly, the Ghost
Disappears, dropping down, below the window, out of her view.
Sidney moves to the center of the jeep, trying hard to listen over
her own RAPID BREATHING, every sound AMPLIFIED.

Then she hears it, the soft JINGLING of keys near the passengers
side door. She pounces on the lock, holding it down.

A shadow cuts the beam of the headlights, unseen by Sidney. The
lock turns on the other side. Sidney leaps over and holds it down,
securing it. This is beyond nerve-racking. Sidney is certifiable.

Her eyes spot the police radio for the first time. She grabs the
mouthpiece and hits the switch.

SIDNEY
Help! Please! I'm at Stu Maker's house on
Turner Lane. Please, HE'S GONNA KILL ME!
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney tries to escape from the Ghost Masked Figure and ends up in a car chase with Gale. She witnesses the murders of Kenny and Dewey, and is now cornered by the Ghost herself. In a desperate attempt, she calls for help on the police radio.
Strengths "The suspense and tension are very strong in this scene, making it a thrilling watch. The action and chase sequences are well-executed, and the climax of the scene is satisfying."
Weaknesses "The script could have benefited from more character development and meaningful dialogue. Some of the character actions feel forced to move the plot along."
Critique This scene includes multiple elements of tension and action, but it also includes some flaws. First, the scene jumps back and forth between different locations quickly without clear transitions or establishing shots, which makes it difficult to follow the action clearly. Second, the use of horror movie tropes (like the scream from the TV) can seem cliche and detract from the originality of the scene. Third, the description of Sidney's actions on the balcony and with the Ghost can be confusing and might benefit from clearer spatial descriptions.

Overall, while the scene has potential for tension and excitement, it could be improved with more clarity in its descriptions and transitions.
Suggestions 1. Simplify the Action: The scene is packed with a lot of action, almost to the point of being overwhelming. Focus on the most important and dramatic moments to make the scene more impactful.

2. Clarify the Character Motivations: Some of the character motivations could be stronger in this scene. Try to dig deeper into what the characters want and why they want it to create a more emotional and compelling scene.

3. Use Stronger Imagery: The scene needs more descriptive language to create a clearer picture in the audience's mind. Add more sensory details, like sounds, smells, and textures, to make the scene more vivid.

4. Build Tension: The tension in the scene needs to be heightened to make it more suspenseful. Use pacing, dialogue, and camera angles to create a sense of danger and uncertainty.

5. Make Sure the Action is Believable: Some of the action in the scene may be unrealistic or confusing. Make sure the action is believable and easy to follow for the audience.



Scene 35 -  Sidney Fights Back
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FRONT OF JEEP

ANGLE through front windshield. Sidney RANTING into the police
band. She doesn't see the...

GHOST FIGURE open the tailgate door of the jeep and slowly crawl
in behind her.

The Ghost Figure reaches out and grabs hold of Sidney's neck.

Sidney, with surprising strength, spins around and attacks the
Ghost.

She falls back against the dash, legs out, kicking wildly at him.

Her hand reaches for the door, finds the lock, the door lever, she
pulls...

The door swings open...

Sidney falls out of the door, hitting the ground.


EXT. FRONT YARD – CONTINUOUS

Sidney, on her stomach, squirms away from the jeep. She brings
herself up to her hands and knees, looking behind her to see
nothing...

THE GHOST HAS DISAPPEARED.

Sidney's eyes roam the yard but he's nowhere. Completely gone.
Vanished. Sid crawls to the front porch where...


DEWEY'S BODY LAY

Thinking quickly, precisely, she reaches to Dewey's holster and
grabs his gun when a VOICE ECHOS behind her...

VOICE (O.S.)
Sidney!
She turns to see Randy racing to her, limping. He appears stone
cold sober.

RANDY
Jesus, Sid. We gotta get out of here.

Sidney throws the gun forward.

SIDNEY
Stop. Right there.

RANDY
Don't shoot. It's me.

SIDNEY
Don't come any closer.

RANDY
Listen to me, Sid. I found Tatum. She's
dead, she's been killed... I think Stu did
it.

He takes a step forward when another VOICE SPEAKS UP.

VOICE (O.S.)
Don't believe him, Sid.

Sidney spins around to see Stu moving up the walk.

STU
He's lying. He killed Tatum. And Billy.

Stu moves closer to Sidney.

SIDNEY
Stay away.

She aims the gun in his direction.

STU
His movie nut mind has snapped, Sid. He's
gone psycho.

RANDY
Don't listen to him. It's him. He's the
one.

Sidney has lost it, she doesn't know who to trust. She aims the
gun at Stu...then Randy...then Stu...

STU
Come on, Sid. Give me the gun.

RANDY
No, Sid.

They both move toward her. There's no time. She must act now.
Finally...
SIDNEY
Fuck you both.

And with that, Sidney steps back into the house and SLAMS the
front door shut.
Genres: ["horror","thriller"]

Summary As Sidney tries to escape from the Ghost Masked Figure, she ends up in a car chase with Gale, witnesses the murders of Kenny and Dewey, and is now cornered by the Ghost herself.
Strengths "The scene is very tense and well-paced, with a clear escalation of danger. Sidney's fight-or-flight response is believable and helps create empathy for her character. The scene's twists keep the audience on edge."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be a bit melodramatic, some of the character's motivations are unclear. The use of violence and death may be jarring for some viewers."
Critique The scene overall is well-written with a good sense of tension and conflict. However, there are a few areas where improvements can be made:

1. Direction: The scene lacks clear direction in terms of action. It's not clear who is where, and what movements are happening. For example, it's unclear how the Ghost Figure can crawl into the tailgate of the jeep unnoticed, or how Sidney can spin around and attack the Ghost without turning her back to him.

2. Character motivation: The characters' actions and motivations are not always clear. For example, why does Sidney crawl to the front porch where Dewey's body lies? What is her thought process as she aims the gun at Stu and Randy?

3. Dialogue: The dialogue is somewhat on-the-nose and expositional. The characters are directly stating their beliefs and suspicions rather than showing them through their actions and behavior.

Overall, the scene is effective in building tension and conflict. However, a few tweaks to the direction, motivation, and dialogue could make it even stronger.
Suggestions The scene has potential but there are a few suggestions that may enhance it:

1. Character development: The ghost figure is not given any context or background. It might be useful to provide some information about who this figure is and why they are after Sidney. This could add suspense and tension to the scene.

2. Tone: The scene is a little disjointed. It might be helpful to make sure the tone is consistent throughout the scene. For example, if the tone is meant to be more intense, the action should be faster and more urgent.

3. Action: The action in the scene is lacking a bit. Sidney attacks the ghost figure, but it is not clear how the fight plays out. It might be good to add more specific details about the fight to make it more engaging.

4. Dialogue: The dialogue is functional, but it lacks a bit of punch. It might be good to add more conflict and tension to the conversation between Sidney, Randy, and Stu. This could make the final moments of the scene more impactful.

5. Setting: The setting is not described in much detail. It might be helpful to add more information about the surrounding environment, which could help set the mood and tone of the scene.



Scene 36 -  The Final Game
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM / FOYER

Sid locks and bolts the door. From the other side she can hear
Randy SCREAMING.

RANDY
NO, SID. OPEN UP. PLEASE... HE'S GONE
CRAZY.

His fists POUND against the door. Sidney, stumbling in the
darkness, rushes to the phone in the living room. Just as she
reaches for it... it RINGS. It scares the life out of her. She
SCREAMS, yanking it up.

SIDNEY
Please! God! Help me!

VOICE
(from the phone)
Having fun Sidney?

Sidney falls apart, SCREAMING.

SIDNEY
NOOOOOOOOO!!!

She throws the phone down, disconnecting the call.

Sid moves back to the door. RANDY'S SCREAMS ARE MADDENING. She
eyes the lock, deliberating.

SIDNEY
(at the door)
GOAWAYLEAVEMEALONE!

CLUNK! A NOISE UPSTAIRS.

Sidney looks up the staircase, into the darkness, her face SHOCKED
to see...


BILLY

Emerging from the shadows, stumbling down the stairs. Very much
alive.

SIDNEY
Oh God. Billy!

He's blood-soaked and dazed. Sidney meets him in the landing,
grabbing him, holding him...
SIDNEY
I thought you were...

BILLY
I'm alright. Gotta... get... help.

Billy goes for the door.

SIDNEY
He's out there.

Randy continues POUNDING ON THE DOOR, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS
LUNGS.

RANDY
(through door)
Please, you gotta let me in. He's gonna
kill me.

Billy goes for the door. Sidney blocks him.

SIDNEY
NO! Don't believe him.

BILLY
It's okay. Give me the gun.

Sidney hands him the gun. Billy turns and unlocks the door,
opening it. Randy rushes in, grabbing Billy, pleading...

RANDY
Help me...

BILLY
(calming him)
Shhhh. It's okay.

RANDY
Stu's flipped out. He's gone mad.

Slowly, a small smile creeps across Billy's face.

BILLY
"We all go a little mad sometimes."

Randy squints, confused, as Billy aims the gun at Randy and pulls
the trigger. The BLAST throws Randy's body against the wall before
sliding to a heap on the floor... still.

BILLY
Anthony Perkins – PSYCHO

BILLY TURNS TO SIDNEY...

Who stands only feet away, face aghast...

Fuck, no... this can't be happening. Billy's eyes are on her,
unmoving.
He sticks his tongue out and slowly licks the blood dried to his
face... tasting it.

BILLY
Corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's
blood in CARRIE.

Sidney is dumbfounded. Slowly, she takes a step back, moving into
the dark refines of the kitchen.

Billy, lurches forward in a fake-out, baiting her. She takes
another step back, petrified.


CLOSE ON BILLY'S FACE

It is no longer familiar to Sidney. There is something inhuman now
about his features. His expression is pure evil.

She takes another step back, shrinking into the dark kitchen.

THE CAMERA TAKES A MOMENT TO ADJUST TO THE DARKNESS as the outline
of a Figure appears...

STANDING RIGHT BEHIND SIDNEY.

She continues to back up, moving right into the arms of...


STU

Sidney spins around... her mouth open in speechless horror.

SIDNEY
Stu... please... help me...

Stu stares back at her, eyes wide, lips curled in a subtle smile
as he holds a small compact CELLULAR PHONE up to his face.

STU
(whispering into phone)
Surprise, Sidney.

His VOICE sounds affected now... the VOICE of the killer.

Sidney looks back to Billy, then to Stu, then to Billy again. It
becomes all too clear.

She stands between them, her mind racing, calculating...


SHE BOLTS INTO THE LIVING ROOM

If for no other reason than to put space between her and them...
they stand in the entryway, trapping her in.

BILLY
Where ya going? It's not over yet. We've
got one more surprise – Stu, I believe
it's your turn.
STU
Oh yeah

Stu disappears into the kitchen.

BILLY
(to Sidney)
What's wrong? You look like you've seen a
ghost.

Sidney stands, trying hard to hold a calm resolve.

A NOISE comes from the kitchen. A low dragging sound. Stu
reappears from the front hall... wrestling with something...
someone...


CLOSE ON STU

He has a body in tow, he thrusts it forward and it rolls into the
living room. Sidney looks down to find...


HER FATHER

Bound and gagged. His eyes wide in fear, very much alive.

SIDNEY
Daddy!

She starts for him.

BILLY
Close enough.

Stu places the cellular phone in Mr. Prescott's shirt pocket.

STU
Guess, I won't be needing this anymore.

SIDNEY
Why are you doing this?

STU
It's all part of the game.

BILLY
It's called GUESS HOW I'M GOING TO DIE!

SIDNEY
Fuck you.

BILLY
We already played that game. You lost,
remember?

STU
You have to play, Sid. Don't want to
disappoint your dad. He's been waiting
around all night.
BILLY
It's an easy game. We ask you a question.
If you get it wrong you die.

STU
And if you get it right you die.

SIDNEY
You're crazy. Both of you.

STU
The official term is "psychotic".

SIDNEY
You'll never get away with this.

BILLY
Tell that to Cotton Weary. You wouldn't
believe how easy it was to frame him.

STU
Yeah, we just watched a few movies. Took a
few notes. It was fun.

Billy and Stu relish their madness, proud of themselves.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney is trapped between her two friends-turned-killers, who have her father bound and gagged. They force her to play a deadly game of trivia where getting the answer wrong means death.
Strengths "Suspenseful atmosphere, clever plot twist, effective use of horror movie references, strong character development."
Weaknesses "Some characters' motivations are unclear, some dialogue feels forced or contrived."
Critique The scene presents the audience with a tense and suspenseful moment, accompanied by an effective use of sound and lighting to support the overall atmosphere. However, the dialogue lacks subtlety and nuance, relying too heavily on cliches and references to other movies. The characters come across as one-dimensional and stereotypical rather than complex and realistic. Additionally, the plot seems contrived and forced, with the killers going to extreme lengths to terrorize Sidney without any clear motivation or justification for their actions. Overall, the scene needs more character development and stronger storytelling to be truly effective.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Clarify the setting. It's not clear if Sidney is alone in the house or if there are others around. Adding some details to establish this could help with the tension and stakes.
- Show more of Sidney's emotional turmoil. She's going through a lot in this scene, but her reactions are mostly summarized in the stage directions. Adding some moments where we see her being scared, desperate, and conflicted could make her character more relatable and engaging.
- Build up the suspense. The killers' reveal happens quite abruptly, and it could be more impactful if there were some clues or foreshadowing leading up to it. Also, the dialogue between Billy, Stu, and Sidney could be more tense and menacing, with the killers getting more aggressive and sadistic as the scene progresses.
- Consider the logic of the plot. The reason why Billy and Stu are doing all of this is a bit flimsy (they watched movies and took notes?), and it may be worth exploring their motivations and backstory further to make their actions more believable and chilling. Also, the fact that Billy is still alive after being apparently dead earlier in the film may need some more explanation or justification.



Scene 37 -  The Deadly Trivia Game
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
Sidney looks to her dad, sees the tears in his eyes. She looks
back to Billy, unflinching...a determined look on her face.

SIDNEY
Why did you kill my mother?

BILLY
Why? WHY? Did you hear that, Stu? I think
she wants a motive. Hmmm... I don't really
believe in motives, Sid. I mean, did
Norman Bates have a motive?

Stu plays along, shaking his head.

STU
Nope.

BILLY
And did they really ever explain why
Hannibal Lecter liked to eat people? Don't
think so. You see, it's scarier when
there's no motive, Sid.

SIDNEY
(fighting tears)
I don't understand...

BILLY
We did your mom a favor, Sid. The woman
was a slut bag whore who flashed her shit
all over town like she was Sharon Stone or
something.
STU
(laughing)
... so we put her out of her misery. I
mean, let's face it, your mom was no
Sharon Stone.

Stu cracks up over this while Billy turns very serious.

BILLY
Is that motive enough for you? Or how
about this? Did you know your slut mother
was sleeping with my dad and she's the
reason my mom moved out and deserted me.

A sudden silence. Sidney is rigid with shock, his words resonant
with truth.

SIDNEY
What?

Even Stu is surprised with his seriousness.

BILLY
Think about it. On the off chance I get
caught, a motive like that could divide a
jury for years, don't you think?. You took
my mother, so I took yours. Big sympathy
factor. Maternal abandonment causes
serious deviant behavior. It certainly
fucked you up. It made you have sex with a
psychopath.

STU
That's right and now that you're no longer
a virgin. You gotta die. Those are the
rules.

Billy sits the gun down on the table near the foyer. And then
moves to Sidney with the butcher knife in hand.

BILLY
Pretend this is all just a scary movie,
Sid. How do you think it's going to end?

Sidney doesn't respond.

STU
(excited)
This is the best part, Sid. Billy's got it
all figured out. Why do you think we kept
your father alive so long? Why did we save
you for last?

BILLY
You know what time it is, Sid? It's after
midnight. It's your mother's anniversary.
We killed her exactly one year ago today.

Billy turns to Stu with the knife. They eye each other.
BILLY
Ready?

STU
Yeah...

Billy pulls the knife back and brings it forward quickly, slicing
into Stu. He stumbles to ho his knees, WINCING in pain.

STU
Jesus...

Sidney SCREAMS... as blood gushes...real blood, a dark, deep red.
Stu inspects the wound to his side... then he smiles...

STU
Good one. My turn.

He takes the knife from Billy.

BILLY
Don't forget, stay to the side and don't
go too deep.

Stu stabs at Billy's belly, puncturing him... Billy doubles
over...

BILLY
Jesus... fuck, that hurt.

SIDNEY
Stop it!

BILLY
(squelching the pain)
Got the ending figured out yet? Time's
running out.

STU
Come on, Sid. Think about it. Your father
is the chief suspect. We cloned his
cellular. The evidence is there.

Billy takes the knife and slashes at Stu's arm, two quick cuts...
he doubles over...

BILLY
What if your father snapped? Your mom's
anniversary set him off and he went on a
murder spree, killing everyone...

STU
(in major pain)
Except for me and Billy... we were left
for dead...

BILLY
And then he killed you and then shoots
himself in the head. It's a perfect
ending.
STU
Everyone dies but us. We get to carry on
and plan the sequel. Let's face it, these
days you gotta have a sequel.

Stu takes the knife and cuts at Billy.

SIDNEY
You sick fucks you've seen one too many
movies.

Billy looks at her, bent over, crazed.

BILLY
Oh Sid, don't blame the movies... Movies
don't create psychos. Movies just make
psychos more creative.

Stu staggers a bit.

STU
That's it, Billy. I can't take any more.
I'm feeling woozy.

BILLY
Get the gun. I'll untie Pops.

Billy moves to Sidney's father.

STU
Where'd you put it?

Stu is searching the foyer for the gun.

BILLY
It's on the table.

STU
No, it's not.

Billy hobbles over. The gun is gone.

BILLY
Where the fuck is it?

VOICE
(off camera)
Right here, asshole.

Billy and Stu look up in unison to see...


GALE WEATHERS – CORRESPONDENT FROM INSIDE STORY

Standing in the front door way, gun in hand. Her body tattered and
bloody. Her hair a mess.

BILLY
I thought she was dead.
STU
She looked dead. Still does.

Gale holds the gun firm, in total control.

GALE
I've got an ending for you. The reporter
left for dead in the newsvan comes to,
stumbles upon you two dipshits, finds the
gun, fumbles your plan, and saves the day.

Sidney steps forward.

SIDNEY
I like that ending.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney is held captive and forced to play a deadly game of trivia with her friends-turned-killers, where wrong answers mean death. Meanwhile, Gale arrives to save the day.
Strengths "Tense and suspenseful scene with high stakes and meaningful character actions."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more nuanced and the actions of the characters could be more believable."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and intense. The dialogue between the killers and Sidney feels authentic and creepy. The use of Sharon Stone as a reference for Sidney's mom and motive for the killing is a little dated, but not distracting. There is a lot of action happening, but the scene is easy to follow and keeps the audience engaged. The reveal of Gale's survival and the final twist creates a satisfying ending. Overall, a strong scene in terms of character and plot development.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI language model, I would suggest adding more depth to Sidney's character arc throughout the film to make this scene more impactful. Moreover, I would recommend rephrasing some of the dialogue to make it more realistic and consistent with the characters' personalities. Additionally, adding more tension-building elements leading up to this scene could also improve its overall impact. Finally, giving some of the side characters, like the killers, more backstory, could also make the scene more compelling, and their motivations more believable.



Scene 38 -  Deadly Trivia
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
Billy lunges at Gale, but she holds steady. Billy and Stu eye each
other.

BILLY
She can't get both of us.

STU
Odds are she'll miss anyway.

In a mad rush, they storm Gale, heading straight at her. She pulls
the trigger, but nothing happens... the safety is on.

Billy charges forward, grabbing hold of the front door, SLAMMING
IT SHUT. It catches Gale in the face, knocking her backwards out
the door. She goes down... out.

STU
Cool move.

Billy steps out the front door and retrieves the gun from where
Gale lays. Then he turns back inside the house to find...

SIDNEY GONE.

BILLY
Where'd she go?

Stu looks around, staggering now, bleeding heavily... Sidney has
completely disappeared. Only her father, bound and gagged remains
in the living.

STU
I don't know Billy but I'm hurtin'.

BILLY
Where the fuck did she go?

Suddenly, the phone RINGS. Billy and Stu look at each other.
Completely surprised. Billy scrambles over to the phone.

BILLY
(picking up phone)
Hello?
SIDNEY
(from phone)
Are you alone in the house?

Billy looks to Mr. Prescott. The cellular phone is gone.

BILLY
You bitch, where the fuck are you?

SIDNEY
Not so fast. We're gonna play a little
game. It's called GUESS WHO JUST CALLED
THE POLICE AND REPORTED YOUR SORRY
MOTHERFUCKING ASS?

Billy looks around the living room.

BILLY
Find her.

Billy is fuming now... slightly staggering... and starting to lose
it. He SCREAMS at Stu who has fallen to his knees.

BILLY
FIND HER YOU DIPSHIT!

STU
I can't... I'm bad off, Billy. You cut to
deep.

Billy throws the phone at Stu. He mouths to him, so Sid can't
hear. "Talk to her... " Then Billy takes off for the kitchen. Stu
takes the phone.

SIDNEY
(aware)
So Stu, what's your motive? Billy's got
one. The police are on their way. What are
you going to tell them?

STU
Peer pressure... I'm way to sensitive.

Billy flies back in the room, grabbing the phone from Stu. He's
completely nuts now, staggering, bleeding, totally insane.

BILLY
(SCREAMING in phone)
I'm gonna rip you up bitch. Just like your
slut whore mother.

SIDNEY
Gotta find me first, you pansy-assed
Mama's boy.

Billy starts ripping the room up, overturning furniture in a mad
fit of rage... when he notices the hall closet. Touche! He smiles
deliriously, heading for it, ripping it open as...
A GHOST MASKED FIGURE strikes from within, with an umbrella, the
sharp end hitting him in the chest as it fans out. Billy stumbles
back, stunned, as the Ghost comes at him again... the umbrella
lodges in his chest, and he goes down.

Sidney rips the GHOST MASK off her head. She looks at Billy,
disgusted, throwing the mask on Billy's now still body. A movement
behind her sends her reeling around to find...

Randy slowly sitting up. His body drenched in blood. He's alive...
barely. He looks to Sidney... through pain...

RANDY
You know what I hate most about horror
movies? The final scene... it just goes on
and on... and it gets so stupid...

Randy manages to stand when a FIGURE COMES LEAPING at him,
completely unexpected... it's Stu... barreling into him... they
fall back into the living room. Sidney grabs the gun next to Billy
and turns to the living room to find...

Randy and Stu rolling across the floor in a dead lock, fighting,
both seriously injured... Sid tries to find aim when a...

HAND GRABS HOLD of Sidney's ankle, toppling her to the floor...
once again she finds Billy on top of her...


IN THE LIVING ROOM

Randy and Stu pound at each other, beating and clawing...


ON SIDNEY

As she fights viciously, attacking with everything she's got...

Randy is desperately trying to pry away from Stu... he grabs hold
of the television set and tries to pull himself off the floor out
of Stu's clutch...

His hands find the top of the TV... the VCR... he yanks on it,
gripping it with his hands, bringing it around with force-CRASHING
the VCR into Stu's head. Stu drops.


ON SIDNEY

As she digs her hand into Billy's open chest wound. He CRIES OUT
BLOODY MURDER. Her other hand brings the gun up to his face... but
he head bunts it out the front door... suddenly a flash of silver
appears above Sidney.

Billy has grasped the butcher knife... he rises it high above
Sidney ready to strike... when a bullet RIPS THROUGH THE FOYER
striking Billy knocking him back into the living room.

Sidney looks up to see...
GALE WEATHERS

Holding the gun in a death grip as smoke rises above the gun's
chamber.

Sidney sits up as Gale moves to her, helping her. Their eyes meet.
A life truce.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney is held captive and forced to play a deadly game of trivia with her friends-turned-killers, where wrong answers mean death. Meanwhile, Gale arrives to save the day.
Strengths
  • Tense and suspenseful
  • Solid character development
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue can be cliche or heavy-handed at times
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and action-packed, with a good balance of dialogue and description to keep the reader engaged. The tension builds as the killers close in on Gale and Sidney, and the twist of the safety being on adds another layer of suspense. The dialogue feels authentic to the characters and adds to their development.

One possible improvement would be to provide more physical description of the characters and setting, as the action can be difficult to visualize without specific details. For example, what does the front door look like? What kind of furniture is being overturned in Billy's fit of rage? More specific visual cues would enhance the reader's experience.

Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively builds tension and leaves the reader eager to see what happens next.
Suggestions The scene could be improved by adding more action description and making the movements clearer. Here are some suggested changes:

- Instead of just "lunging," have Billy charge at Gale with a specific action (like a punch or kick) and describe how Gale counters it.
- Add more detail to the fight between Randy and Stu, including how they are hurting each other and what objects they are using.
- Make Sidney's fight with Billy more intense and visceral by describing how she is digging into his wound and showing his pain.
- Clarify how Gale is able to shoot Billy from the foyer and make her entrance more dramatic (for example, showing her sneaking up behind Billy before shooting him).



Scene 39 -  Final Showdown and Reconciliation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Billy and Stu lay face up, head to head. Sid and Gale move over
them, staring down. Randy joins them.

RANDY
Sid, you found me out... I'm a virgin. And
pretty happy about it right now.

Sidney nudges their bodies. They both stir.

RANDY
Careful. This is the moment when you think
the killer's dead, but then he springs
back to life for one last scare.

Sidney grabs the gun from Gale.

SIDNEY
Not this time.

She positions her foot on Stu's chest and aims.

SIDNEY
This is for my Mom, asshole.

She SHOOTS him in the forehead, a clean and perfect shot. The she
aims the barrel at Billy who's eyes suddenly open, blinking up at
her, blood bubbling from his lips. He's not yet dead. Their eyes
lock.

SIDNEY
And this Billy stud-bucket is for having
an incredibly small weenie.

She FIRES another perfect shot. They're both goners.

Sidney drops the smoking gun, standing silent over the bodies. A
quiet moment when suddenly...


A FIGURE LUNGES AT THEM

Both Sid and Gale and Randy SCREAM in epic, final scare
proportions as Mr. Prescott leaps forward, still bound and gagged.

Sid catches her breath, relaxing.

SIDNEY
Oh Daddy...
She rushes to him, untying him... while Gale moves to the bookcase
and retrieves the hidden camera.

GALE
I wanna close-up.

Randy appears by Sidney's side, helping her untie her father.

RANDY
This is probably an inappropriate moment,
but you think you'd want to maybe go out
with me sometime... like on a date?

Sidney looks at him, dumbfounded.

RANDY
Maybe catch a movie?

A long moment as Sidney's face goes from disbelief to resignation
to the slight trace of a smile.

SIDNEY
Only if it's a nice Meg Ryan movie.

RANDY
You got it.

He smiles at her... watching as Sidney grabs hold of her father,
holding him tight as Gale Weathers, with camera in hand, gets one
hell of an ending to this SCARY MOVIE.



THE END
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary Sidney confronts and kills her two friends-turned-killers, while her father is held captive. Gale arrives to capture the moment on camera. Afterward, Sidney is approached by Randy for a date.
Strengths
  • Clever dialogue and self-aware humor
  • Satisfying resolution to the main conflict
  • Tension and suspense building to the final moments
Weaknesses
  • Some character arcs feel underdeveloped
  • Lack of emotional weight to some deaths
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of pacing, tension, and humor. It effectively wraps up the main conflict of the story, delivering satisfying resolutions to both Sidney's personal vendetta against Stu and Billy and the larger mystery of the killer's identity.

The dialogue is realistic and engaging, with each character's voice distinct and appropriate for the situation. The humor works well, particularly in Randy's final quip and the darkly comedic moments with Stu and Billy.

One potential issue with the scene is the character of Mr. Prescott, who is introduced very late in the story and feels somewhat underdeveloped. His sudden appearance and subsequent release undermine the tension of the scene and the stakes of the story as a whole. However, this could be easily remedied by establishing his presence earlier in the script and integrating him more fully into the plot.

Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively concludes the story and leaves the audience satisfied.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is effective and entertaining. However, here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the staging: In the first sentence, it is not clear who is laying face up. Adding something like "Billy and Stu's dead bodies lay face up..." would make it clearer.

2. Tighten the dialogue: The dialogue could benefit from some editing. For example, the line "Careful. This is the moment when you think the killer's dead, but then he springs back to life for one last scare" could be shortened to simply "Careful, he might still be alive." This would make the dialogue more concise and impactful.

3. Make the final scare more suspenseful: The scene could benefit from more build-up before Mr. Prescott leaps forward. Perhaps a false scare or a moment of silence before the final jump would make the moment more suspenseful.

4. Consider the tone: The scene is primarily comedic, but it also has elements of horror and emotional weight (the revenge for Sidney's mother). The tone could be more consistent if the comedic elements were toned down or if the emotional weight was emphasized more.