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Scene 1 -  Knives Out
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
KNIVES OUT




A Murder Mystery by


Rian Johnson
EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE MANOR HOUSE - DAWN

The grounds of a New England manor. Pre-dawn misty.


INT. MANOR - PANTRY / LIVING ROOM / FOYER / HALLWAY - DAWN

INSIDE THE MANOR

Unlit and still. Gothic with a theme of antique games,
arcane puzzles and decorative weapons.

First floor: A drawing room, living room, kitchen. The
detritus of a party. Stray champagne flutes.


INT. THROMBEY ESTATE - 2ND FLOOR - DAWN

Follow one housekeeper named FRAN carrying a tray of coffee
up a flight of stairs.

Second floor: a hallway, doors all closed. The house has
not woken up, and Fran steps lightly. Up a much narrower
creaky flight of steep stairs.


INT. THROMBEY ESTATE - 3RD FLOOR MASTER BEDROOM - DAWN

Third floor: the master bedroom suite.

FRAN
Morning Mr Thrombey

But the bed is empty, unslept in. A robe thrown across it.

Fran heads out onto the landing and UP an EVEN NARROWER half
flight of stairs, which leads to a single door.


INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - DAWN

A cramped attic study, every shelf crammed with curios.

The door swings open and Fran sees:

HARLAN THROMBEY himself. 85 years old. Slung across a
white leather day bed.

Throat slit. Drenched in blood. Very much dead.

CUT TO: Title card, on black.

THEN TO:
2.


INT. MARTA'S BEDROOM - MORNING

MARTA CABRERA wakes with a cry.

Plain, modern, cramped. Marta, in her late twenties, takes
a moment to catch her breath. Opens a window.


EXT. SOUTH BOSTON HOUSING PROJECT - MORNING

A tiny window in a cheap apartment building opens, Marta's
face appears breathing deep.

SUPER: "ONE WEEK LATER"


INT. CABRERA KITCHEN - MORNING

Marta sits in front of a laptop. Her MOM is at the table
with her, her sister ALICE watches CSI on an iPad on the
counter top. Murder related dialog from the show.

Marta scroll through a jobs site, tired, eyes dead. Her mom
watches, concerned.

MOM
Alice, turn that off now.

ALICE MOM
Why it's almost over, what - Now please just turn it off.
they're finding out who did
it and the wifi sucks in my Turn it off. Now.
room so it doesn't play it's
like two minutes left what Alice. Off.
there isn't even anything
bad on it, it's just normal They're talking about murder
tv and they're just talking on it, your sister just had
ok ok goddddd whatever ok a friend she loves slit his
whatever. throat open she doesn't need
to be hearing that right now
let's be sensitive!

Mom standing yelling, Alice slams the iPad cover closed.
Marta puts her head in her hand. Looks at her mom, who
looks back at her with protective sympathy. Marta starts
laughing at the absurdity of it, but the laugh turns into
crying.

MARTA
Thanks mom. I love you. God, none
of this seems real. Alice you can
keep watching your show it's alright.
3.


ALICE
No, I guessed who did it anyway. I'm
sorry Marta.

Alice hugs her sister. Marta's phone rings. WALT THROMBEY.

MARTA
It's Harlan's son. Maybe it's about
the funeral.
(answers)
Hi, Walt.
(listens)
Uh huh.

Her face shifts in confusion.

MARTA (cont'd)
What?


EXT. PRIVATE ROAD - LATE MORNING

A long narrow private road leading to the Thrombey estate.

Marta's shitty SUBCOMPACT car buzzes by, towards the house.
Genres: ["Murder Mystery"]

Summary A wealthy patriarch is found dead, and a young nurse becomes embroiled in the investigation.
Strengths "Setting the tone for a suspenseful murder mystery"
Weaknesses "Limited dialogue and character development in this scene"
Critique Overall, this scene sets up the mystery in an effective way and establishes the cold, Gothic atmosphere of the manor. The description of the manor and the details about the curios and antique games add to the richness of the setting.

However, there are a few areas for improvement. Firstly, the transition from Fran carrying the coffee tray to Marta waking up in her bedroom is a bit abrupt. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer indication of the passage of time.

Secondly, the dialogue between Marta, her mother, and sister could be tightened up to make it more impactful. While the conversation adds character development, it feels a bit rambling and could be condensed.

Overall, this scene effectively sets up the murder mystery and establishes the tone of the film. With some minor adjustments, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions My suggestions to improve this scene would be:

1. Use more active, descriptive language to create tension and intrigue. The scene is mostly description, but it could benefit from more sensory details to help visualize the surroundings and characters.

2. Show, don't tell. Instead of stating that the house is Gothic with antique games and arcane puzzles, show examples of these details in the surroundings. Use props and set design to bring the setting to life.

3. Add more character development. At this point, we don't know anything about Marta or her relationship with Harlan Thrombey beyond their phone call. Adding more information about their connection and backstory could create more emotional investment in the story.

4. Clarify the purpose of the scene. If this is the opening scene of the movie, it should establish the tone and hook the audience into wanting to know more. The murder of Harlan Thrombey is certainly intriguing, but the scene could benefit from more focus on a central character or theme to establish the movie's core narrative.



Scene 2 -  Questioning the Family
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE

Several cars, including a police cruiser with a few
uniformed officers by it. Marta pulls up. An officer eyes
her, approaches.

COP
Excuse me ma'am. Are you with the
help?

MEG, Thrombey's college aged granddaughter, trots out.

MEG
Hey! Her name is Marta, she was
granddad's nurse, she's with us.
"The help?" What the hell.

MARTA MEG
(to the cop) (mutters)
It's ok, sorry. It's not ok. Cops, man.

They hug, and are both instantly crying. They laugh.

MEG (cont'd)
Oh god. Look at us.
4.


MARTA
How are you? This week, how have you

MEG
Yeah. It's been rough, the whole
week just awful. And now this,
(the cop cars)
we thought we were done.

MARTA
Walt called me, but yeah I thought
the cops got our statements already,
what are we

MEG
I dunno, they've got more dumbass
questions, something. Dumb.
(she vapes)
How are you doing?

MARTA
Not good. Alone, lots of just, this
(the crying)
and not knowing what to do next.

MEG
Anything you need, you're part of
this family Marta.

MARTA
Thanks.
(beat)
I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to
bother you guys, I didn't hear
anything, is the funeral, is there a
day for it, or

MEG
It was yesterday.

Marta's face falls.

MEG (cont'd)
Marta I told them that all of you,
Fran, everyone who worked with him
should have been there, you were
closer to Granddad than anyone the
past few years, but they got on this
whole roll about it was for the
family and it was a family thing,
they took a vote and we got outvoted.
I'm so sorry.
5.


MARTA
It's ok

MEG
It's not ok. This idiot family.

They both start laughing.


INT. FOYER

Thrombey's eldest daughter Linda opens the door for Marta.

LINDA
How you doing kiddo.

Linda is 60ish, well put together, sharp and steely eyed.
She dresses and speaks with just a little more sharpness
than any situation she's in requires.

MARTA
Hi Linda. How are you?

LINDA
Ueuh. The funeral helped. I guess.
Just seeing him. I thought you
should have been there, I'm sorry. I
was out voted.

Linda's husband Richard walks in, on the phone. Same age as
Linda, gruff and confident, will put his feet up on
anything.

RICHARD (ON PHONE)
I'm not the cop so I don't know.
Alright fine, don't come, get
arrested. Die up your own ass all I
care.
(hangs up)
He's not coming.
(to Marta)
Ransom. Little shit. Missed the
funeral. No, he is, he's a little
shit.

STATE TROOPER WAGNER, fresh faced in his 30s, pokes his head
in through a door.

TROOPER WAGNER
Excuse me, we're ready for you now,
we'd like to see you one at a time.
6.


LINDA
I'll start. Hopefully Joni and Walt
are on their way.

Linda exits with Wagner, leaving Richard and Marta.

RICHARD
So. How you doing kiddo.


INT. LIBRARY

Mystery and horror memorabilia scattered on the shelves.

Linda sits opposite three men: LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT, in his
30s, in a working suit. Very good at his job. The young
Trooper Wagner stands behind him.

Sitting back behind both of them, almost blending into the
background, is a slight man in a linen suit. Legs and arms
fold sharply, like a paper crane. Silent, listening.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Good to see you again, just to
reintroduce ourselves, I'm Detective
Lieutenant Elliott, Trooper Wagner
here. We just want to run through
everything one more time. I'm going
to record this if it's alright, just
makes it easier.
(squints at his phone)
I think that's... going... ok.
Speaking to Linda Drysdale, nee
Thrombey, Harlan Thrombey's eldest
daughter, regarding the events the
night of his demise, November 8th.

TROOPER WAGNER
We're sorry for your loss.

LINDA
(dry as chalk)
Thank you that means a lot.

Elliott checks his notes.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
So the whole family was gathered at
the house that night... for your
father's eighty fifth birthday party.

LINDA
Yes.
7.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
How was that?

LINDA
The party? Pre my dad's death? It
was great.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Linda, the eldest daughter of the wealthy patriarch, is questioned by Detective Elliott and Trooper Wagner about the night of her father's death. Meanwhile, Marta, the nurse, has arrived at the Thrombey estate and is greeted by Linda and her husband Richard. They discuss the funeral, which Marta missed, and Richard's frustration with Ransom, who missed the funeral as well.
Strengths "The scene sets up a tense tone and introduces the main characters and their relationships well."
Weaknesses "The scene could have better dialogue and more emotional impact."
Critique This scene has a good flow and establishes the setting and characters effectively. The dialogue feels natural, with each character having their own unique voice and personality. The emotional depth of the scene is also effective, with the characters expressing their grief and frustration.

One potential issue with the scene is that it may drag on for too long, without enough action or plot development. However, this may be intentional for the purpose of establishing the mood and tone of the film.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the plot and characters while also establishing the emotional depth of the story.
Suggestions My suggestion would be to potentially add more visual description and action in the scene to make it more dynamic and engaging for the viewer. For example, including more character movement and blocking, as well as some sensory details or specific shots. Additionally, there could be more tension or conflict added to the dialogue to increase the overall stakes and intrigue of the scene.



Scene 3 -  Questioning Linda and Richard
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY - FLASHBACK

Warmly lit, classic rock playing, food laid out. Linda and
Richard mingle happily with the rest of the family (who
we'll meet shortly.)

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Anyone besides the family there that
night?

LINDA (V.O.)
Uh. The caterers. Fran, the
housekeeper. Marta, Harlan's nurse
caretaker person, hard worker, good
girl. Family's from Ecuador. And
Wanetta - Greatnana, Dad's mom.

At the snack table wearing a dozen coats, a woman who might
be three hundred years old. She pounds down chips and dip
like a machine.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
(wow)
His mom? How old is she?

LINDA (V.O.)
Nobody knows.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Your son Ransom, he lives in town
right? He was at the party too?

LINDA (V.O.)
Yes but he left early.

RANSOM DRYSDALE, roguishly handsome in his early 30s,
breezes out the side door, past Greatnana.

GREATNANA
Ransom, are you leaving?
8.


INT. LIBRARY

The strange man in the linen suit taps Elliott's chair with
his toe, as if reminding to ask him something.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Right, did all three of you arrive to
the party at the same time?

LINDA
N...o, Richard went over early to
help the caterers set up, I got there
around 8, Ransom a little later.

She raises a questioning finger to ask about the man but

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
And in Boston you and your husband
work for a real estate firm?

LINDA
(sharp)
It's my firm.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
(checks notes)
Sorry. Right.

LINDA
I built my business from the ground
up.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Just like your dad.

LINDA
Just. Like my dad.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Were you very close?

LINDA
We had our own secret way of
communicating. You had to find that
with dad. You had to find a game to
play with him. And if you did that,
and played by his rules...
(beat)
Yeah we were close.

CUT TO: Richard in the chair Linda was in, giving his
statement.
9.


RICHARD
Everyone idolizes their dad, right?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Do they?

RICHARD
Very much not, don't know why I said
that. But Linda does.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Harlan Thrombey, surrounded by his family, Richard and Linda
flanking him, a birthday cake with candles. All smiles.

RICHARD (V.O.)
Harlan started with a rusty Smith-
Corona, built himself into one of the
bestselling mystery writers of all
time. Linda followed his lead. We
did. Linda and I.


INT. LIBRARY

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Seems like all his kids are self made
overachievers.

Richard makes a "...sure" face. CUT TO:

WALT THROMBEY now sits in the questioning chair. Late 40s,
softly obsequious in a sweater and loafers. His leg is in a
cast.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (cont'd)
Speaking to Walt Thrombey, Harlan's
youngest son.

Elliott points to Walt's cast.

WALT
Augh, bicycling accident. Dumb.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
So you run your dad's publishing
company?
10.


WALT
Yeah. It's my - it's our, it's the
family's publishing company, dad
trusts me to run it. 30 languages,
over 80 million copies. A real
legacy. You guys fans?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT TROOPER WAGNER
I don't read much fiction - BIG fan. Big.

TROOPER WAGNER (cont'd)
His plots, like something like "A
Thousand Knives," with the - I don't
want to spoil it but - the cow and
the shotgun, I'm like how did he come
up with that?

WALT
Dad said the plots just popped into
his head fully formed, that was the
easy part for him -

TAP from the linen suit man's foot.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
You live in town, right? What time
did you and your family arrive at the
party?

Walt looks at Linen suit, thrown.

WALT
Uh. We all got there about 8.
Genres: ["mystery","drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott and Trooper Wagner question Linda and Richard about their father's death while flashbacks to the night of the party occur.
Strengths "Scene effectively introduces characters and setting with an element of intrigue. Dialogue is informative and serves to provide necessary background information about the family."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat slow-paced and lacks a strong emotional impact."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to serve the purpose of providing information about the family and their backgrounds to the detectives. It also sets up some potential clues and suspects for the murder investigation.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, the dialogue could be tightened up in places. There are some unnecessary pauses and filler words that could be cut to make the scene more concise.

Additionally, it may be beneficial to have some action interspersed with the dialogue to break up the static feel of the scene. It could help to show the detectives interacting with the family or looking around the room, for example.

Overall, the scene is functional but could benefit from some editing and added action.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Consider adding more visual description to the scene. While the dialogue is informative, visual details can help create a richer and more engaging experience for the reader and the audience.

2. Think about refining the dialogue to make it more natural and indicative of each character's voice. For example, some of Lieutenant Elliott's lines feel a bit stiff and formal, and could benefit from being rewritten to sound more like how a real person might speak.

3. Consider adding in some conflict or tension to the scene. As it stands, the scene is largely expository, but adding in some dramatic conflict can help keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.

4. Try to find ways to show rather than tell. For instance, instead of having Linda explain who was at the party, consider having the camera pan over to each character as they are introduced so the audience can see them for themselves.

5. Consider cutting down on some of the exposition to keep the scene moving at a brisk pace. While it's important to establish key information early on, long monologues or explanations can feel tedious and slow down the momentum of the scene.



Scene 4 -  Interrogation and Flashbacks
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Walt laughing and mingling with his nervous wife DONNA.

WALT (V.O.)
My wife Donna, she's my rock.

Richard backs up into Donna, who YELPS in fear and throws
her martini in the air. Richard jumps, but Walt doesn't
even register it.

RICHARD
Jeeesus! Donna, you alright?

WALT (V.O.)
And my son Jacob, he's sixteen. Very
politically active.
11.


His angry looking son JACOB, who is always on his phone.


INT. LIBRARY

Quick cuts, each in the chair:

MEG
He's an alt-right troll dipshit

RICHARD
The boy's literally a nazi

WALT
Kids today, with the internet,
amazing.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
So the night went well then?


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

The exact same moment we saw with Richard and Linda of
Harlan in front of the birthday cake - but now it's Walt,
Donna and Jacob next to Harlan.

WALT (V.O.)
Yeah. We're all gutted but I'm happy
we got that night with dad. To be by
his side, to think about our books
and what we've accomplished with
them, it's like I can still feel his
hand on my shoulder.


INT. LIBRARY

WALT
Passing the torch.

Cut to: JONI THROMBEY in the chair. A striking woman, tall
and boho chic in chunky jewelry and a flowy dress.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Speaking now to Joni Thrombey,
Harlan's... daughter in law?

JONI
Mm. I was married to his son Neil,
We had one daughter, Meg, and then
Neil passed on fifteen years ago.
12.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
And you've obviously stayed close to
the Thrombeys.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Joni dances with various family members, free and flowing.

JONI (V.O.)
Oh they're my family. I feel
simultaneously freed by and supported
by them, that balance of opposites is
the nugget of Flam.


INT. LIBRARY - PRESENT

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Nugget of?

JONI
Flam.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Flam nugget.

JONI
The nugget of truth.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Uh?

JONI
At the center of the Flam philosophy.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Ah! Sorry Flam, right, your skin
care company.

JONI
I forgive you yes, it's skin care but
it promotes a total lifestyle. Self
sufficiency with an acknowledgment of
human need. That's Flam, but it's
also Harlan. He got me and Meg
through some tough times.

Meg in the chair.
13.


MEG
Granddad gives my mom a yearly
allowance, and he's never missed
wiring a tuition payment to my
schools. He's a genuinely selfless
man.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
You left his party early?

MEG
To see some friends at Curry.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Meg trots out. Linda, pissed, to Richard so Joni can hear:

LINDA
Dad's paying for her crypto-Marxist
postdeconstructual feminist poetry
theory whatever major, she could have
stuck around for the cake.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Linda and Richard are questioned by detectives, while flashbacks reveal the events of the night of Harlan's death. Marta arrives at the Thrombey estate and speaks with Linda and Richard about the funeral.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and tension between characters."
Weaknesses "May be confusing for some viewers with the use of flashbacks."
Critique The scene appears to be well-written in terms of character development and dialogue. The use of voiceover adds depth to the characterization of Walt and the introduction of each character provides background, context, and hints at their relationships with one another.

However, the scene lacks description and detail. There are only a few visuals provided, which leaves the reader guessing about the setting, the characters' actions, and their expressions. The lack of description also makes it difficult to get a clear sense of the timeline and the pacing of the scene.

Additionally, some of the dialogue appears to be forced or awkwardly phrased, particularly the conversation between Lieutenant Elliott and Joni about Flam skincare's "nugget of truth." This conversation could benefit from better phrasing and clarification to make it more believable and understandable.

Overall, the scene has strengths in characterization and dialogue, but could benefit from more detailed descriptions and smoother conversational moments.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Clarify the relationships: At the start of the scene, it's not immediately clear who Walt, Donna, and Jacob are in relation to Harlan. Adding a line of dialogue or a visual cue that establishes them as Harlan's son, daughter-in-law, and grandson, respectively, would help.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue in this scene feels stilted and forced, particularly the lines about Jacob being an "alt-right troll dipshit" and a "literal Nazi." It would be more effective to show Jacob exhibiting problematic behavior or beliefs through his actions and have other characters react to that.

3. Show, don't tell: The voiceover narration by Walt doesn't add much to the scene, as we can already see his interactions with Donna and Jacob. Instead, consider using that time to show more of the party or introduce other characters.

4. Develop the characters more: Joni and Meg both have interesting backstories and relationships with Harlan, but we don't get to see much of that in this scene. Adding a few brief flashbacks or anecdotes from their lives with Harlan would help to flesh out their characters and make them more compelling.



Scene 5 -  Questioning the Family
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIBRARY

JONI
I think Linda was upset. But Harlan
understood.

Tap.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
But you two arrived together to the
party?

Joni looks at the linen suit man.

JONI
If I could - pause - because I, who
is that guy? And why are we doing
all this? Again?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Right. We're following up here, just
being thorough, in order to determine
the manner of death.

Cut back to Walt in the chair.
14.


WALT
(what?)
The manner of death? I can save the
taxpayers some money here -

Walt gestures vaguely to his throat.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
That's the cause of death. The
manner of death is still pending.

WALT
(almost laughing)
So by "manner of death" you mean if
he was killed. If one of us killed
him. One of his family?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
None of us think that, this is pro
forma, all of it.

CUT TO: Richard in the chair. He doesn't buy it.

RICHARD
Ok. So who the fuck is that?

He points at linen suit. Elliott takes a breath.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
This is Benoit Blanc.

RICHARD
(the hell?)
Benoit Blanc?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
He is... a...

Elliott looks back at Blanc, prompting him to introduce
himself, but the man stays silent.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (cont'd)
He's a

RICHARD
Does he talk?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
He does.

They all look back at Blanc.
15.


BLANC
I do.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Mr. Blanc is a private investigator
of great renown.

Joni in the chair.

JONI
Wait a minute - I read a tweet about
a New Yorker article about you. The
last of the gentlemen sleuths? You
solved that case with the tennis
champ - you're famous!

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Mr. Blanc requested to sit in on the
questioning and I happily consented.
I can vouch for him.

Linda in the chair.

LINDA
Oh you vouch for him, well thank you,
detective I just met five minutes
ago. Mr. Blanc, I know who you are,
I read your New Yorker profile. It
was delightful. I just buried my
eighty five year old father who
committed suicide. Why are you here?

Elliott and Wagner turn back to Blanc, who leans forward
slightly and speaks in the gentlest southern lilt you have
ever heard in your life.

BLANC
I am here at the behest of a client.

LINDA
Who?

BLANC
I cannot say, but let me assure you
this: my presence will be
ornamental, a respectful, quiet,
passive observer. Of the truth.

Elliott and Wagner turn nervously back to Linda. She
doesn't look thrilled. Cut to Richard.

RICHARD
Fine. Are we getting there?
16.


BLANC
Nearly. Harlan's nurse. She was at
the party in a professional capacity?

Blanc begins idly playing with a silver dollar.

RICHARD
Marta?


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

The family is engaged in an animated discussion, Marta
standing on the outskirts.

RICHARD (V.O.)
I guess. Harlan hired her to be
around, take care of whatever medical
needs pop up, but really she's like
part of the family.

Richard beckons with his cake, calls Marta into the
discussion, into the circle of the family.

RICHARD (V.O.) (cont'd)
Good kid, been a good friend to
Harlan. Her family's from Paraguay.
I know Linda likes her work ethic.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions the Thrombey family about their father's death while the famous private investigator Benoit Blanc observes. The family members are less than pleased with his presence, and their relationships to Harlan and his nurse, Marta, are revealed.
Strengths
  • Introducing a new character - Benoit Blanc, a famous private investigator
  • Revealing information about the suspicious death of Harlan Thrombey
  • Establishing relationships between the Thrombey family members and Harlan's nurse, Marta
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact despite the serious subject matter
  • Lack of character development except for Richard's description of Marta and Linda's irritation with Blanc
Critique The scene starts off with some good dialogue between Joni and Lieutenant Elliott, raising some tension as Joni questions why they are doing all this. However, the scene quickly becomes chaotic with multiple characters speaking at once and interrupting each other. This could be a deliberate choice, but it makes it difficult to follow the conversation and keep track of who is speaking.

The introduction of Benoit Blanc feels quite forced and rushed. It seems unnatural that Elliott would bring in a private investigator without any explanation as to why or how he became involved. The dialogue between Linda and Blanc is intriguing, but the scene would benefit from more context and explanation.

Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer structure and pacing, allowing for more clarity in the dialogue and character interactions.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: While it's important to establish the characters' reactions to the investigation, there doesn't seem to be a clear reason for the scene beyond that. Consider adding a plot point or furthering the investigation to keep the scene moving forward.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Joni explain that Linda was upset and Harlan understood, show it through their reactions or a brief flashback.

3. Add more conflict: The scene could benefit from more tension or conflict among the characters. Consider adding more suspicion or hostility towards Blanc, or further explore Linda's dissatisfaction with the investigation.

4. Clarify character motivations: While some characters' motivations are clear (i.e. Walt's nonchalance towards the investigation), others could be fleshed out more. Consider adding more backstory or motivations for characters like Richard or Joni.

5. Trim unnecessary dialogue: While some of the dialogue is entertaining, there are some parts that could be trimmed to keep the scene more focused. Consider cutting out some of the unnecessary banter to move the scene along.



Scene 6 -  Family Business
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIBRARY

RICHARD
"Immigrants - we get the job done."
From Hamilton.

Wagner gives him a smile to show he got the reference.

Cut to Linda back in the chair.

BLANC
May I just - and then I'll recede,
but as a self made man myself I have
to express my admiration for how
you've followed in your father's
footsteps.

LINDA
Thank you.
17.


BLANC
The whole family too. Joni with her
things, Walt with his publishing
empire.

LINDA
Well.

Blanc pauses. Doesn't push anything. Just waits a moment.

LINDA (cont'd)
Yes. I mean. Walt, yeah. He's done
well with what dad's given him, but
it's not the same. I built my
company up from nothing, like dad.
Walt - not like it matters but he was
sort of adrift, dad gave him the job,
but really dad hands him a book twice
a year and Walt publishes it, I
mean... it's different.

BLANC
But surely Walt runs the
merchandising, adaptations, film and
television rights...

Linda squints, narrowing her eyes on Blanc. Softly:

LINDA
Are you baiting me, Detective? You
know he doesn't, and you think I'm
dumb enough to be baited into talking
family business, into shit talking my
brother in front of a state trooper
and police detective -

Richard in the chair.

RICHARD
Walt doesn't run shit! There are no
film or tv rights, Harlan's never
allowed any adaptations of his books.
Hates the idea.

BLANC
No!

RICHARD
Oh yeah! Drives Walt nuts, cause
that's where the real money's at.
When he gets a little Irish courage
in him he'll get into it with Harlan.
18.


BLANC
Did he get "into it" at the party?

RICHARD
Oh my god.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Walt with a drink in his hand has cornered Harlan. Richard
watches across the room as Walt goes from arguing to
pleading.

RICHARD (V.O.)
He wouldn't leave him alone. Poor
Harlan had to give him the hook.

Harlan has had enough, he takes Walt's arm and leads him
into the drawing room for a private talk.

RICHARD (V.O.) (cont'd)
I didn't hear what he said but he
must have really handed him his
lunch, Walt was like a wounded puppy
the rest of the night.


INT. LIBRARY

Walt in the chair, indignant.

WALT BLANC
What? Richard said what?
Jesus. No, we didn't get I'm just trying to get an
"into it." accurate impression - Harlan
took you aside at the party,
when you returned you were
chastened, what did Harlan
say to you?

Walt starts to open his mouth, hesitates. Off his
frightened face we FLASH BACK:


INT. DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Walt, drunk, Harlan guiding him firmly into the shadows.
19.


WALT HARLAN
If you'll just look at - the
Netflix guys, their business
affairs guy sent over
something, hard numbers this
time, and I think - this is Walt.
a window, it's not going to
last and you should just
look at these numbers Walt.

WALT
Dad you put me in charge of our books
let me be in charge, let me do this!
Please.

HARLAN
They're not our books, son. They're
my books. And this is not how I
wanted to have this conversation but,
you're right, it's unfair of me to
keep you tethered to something that
isn't yours to control.

WALT
What?

HARLAN
I've done you a grave disservice all
these years, I've kept you from
building something that's yours.
You're not going to run the
publishing house anymore.

WALT
Dad. Are you firing me?

HARLAN
We'll talk about details tomorrow.
But my mind's made up.

Harlan squeezes his arm, then leaves him shell shocked.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions the Thrombey family about their father's death, with flashbacks to the night of the party. Walt is chastised by his father Harlan for trying to take control, while the detectives try to uncover any possible motives for murder.
Strengths "Tense interactions between characters, with multiple secrets threatening to be exposed. The flashbacks provide more insight into the family's dynamics."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from a clearer focus on the main plot and less tangents into family dynamics."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written and effectively reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. The dialogue is natural and allows for a nuanced exploration of the family dynamics and business conflicts. The use of flashbacks adds depth to the story and helps to create tension and suspense. Overall, this scene is a strong example of character-driven storytelling.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and includes good character development and tension between family members. However, there are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Make the reference to Hamilton more relevant to the story. While including pop culture references can be fun, it should always serve a purpose in the story. Perhaps tie the reference to the theme of immigration or American exceptionalism in some way.

2. Consider shortening the flashback sequence. While it's important to see what happened between Walt and Harlan at the party, the flashback feels too long and takes away from the present action.

3. Increase the stakes for Linda. Currently, the conversation with Blanc feels somewhat low-stakes, and Linda doesn't seem to have a strong objective in the scene. Consider giving her a specific goal or raising the potential consequences if she were to reveal too much information.

4. Use more visual description. While the dialogue is well written, there are opportunities to add more detail and description to the setting and character actions. This can help bring the scene to life and engage the reader (or viewer).



Scene 7 -  Questioning the Thrombey's
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIBRARY

Back to Walt's hesitating face. The briefest of moments has
passed. Walt lies:

WALT
We talked, we had a business
discussion, about ebooks, Jesus, it
was nothing.
(MORE)
20.

WALT (cont'd)
You want to talk about an argument,
hell Ransom had an argument with him.

BLANC
Ransom, Richard and Linda's son?

WALT
Look we love Ransom, he has a good
heart, we love him.

BLANC
...but

WALT
But he's always been the black sheep
of the family, and I'm not, I, I keep
stuff like this in the family, but
with Ransom, he's never had a job, he
lives beyond his means, parties drugs
I dunno. But dad supports him
financially, they've got this love
hate bond. They fight. But that
night, god. They had a blow out.

BLANC
About what?


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

The family having a conversation, everyone but Harlan, Jacob
and Ransom. It grinds to a halt as through the door to
Harlan's study indistinct shouting booms.

WALT (V.O.)
I don't know, nobody could make it
out, but it was huge. And it was
strange they went in another room to
do it - they usually love stoking up
drama in front of the family.

Ransom bursts out of the doors and storms out of the party,
past Greatnana.

GREATNANA
Ransom are you leaving?


INT. LIBRARY

Richard in the chair.
21.


BLANC
Speaking of getting into it, you were
at the house early to help the
caterer set up. Did you converse
with Harlan at that time?

RICHARD
He was there, I'm sure we spoke.

BLANC
In his study?

RICHARD
I don't think so.

BLANC
I questioned the caterer this
morning. She didn't see you helping
her staff, but she did hear Harlan in
a screaming match with someone that
afternoon. In his study.

RICHARD
I don't, a screaming match? No.
Joni was there early too, maybe it
was her, ask her.

BLANC
These were two male voices.


INT. HALLWAY - DAY OF PARTY

A CATERER walks through with a platter. Pauses, hears
shouting through the wall.

BLANC (V.O.)
Harlan shouted the phrase

HARLAN (O.S.)
...you tell her or I will!


INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
You tell her. Or I will. Bells
ringing?

For a just a split second, Richard considers what he is
going to say. In the second, we FLASH BACK:
22.


INT. SMALL STUDY - DAY OF PARTY

Harlan showing Richard photos on a laptop. Long lens
photos, of Richard kissing a woman who is not Linda.
Richard glares at it, Harlan turns an old baseball over in
his hands.

RICHARD
This is none of your goddamn
business, Harlan. Stay out of my
marriage.

Harlan holds up a sealed small envelope with flowery
embroidery, "L" written on the front.

HARLAN
I know my daughter. She'd want to
know. I've put it all in this letter
to her, tomorrow she gets it.

RICHARD HARLAN
I'm warning you once, don't She deserves to know, you're
do this like hell - going to tell her!

Harlan slams the baseball down on the desk.

HARLAN (cont'd)
You tell her or I will!
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions the Thrombey family about their father's death, while flashbacks to the night of the party uncover possible motives for murder.
Strengths "Compelling flashback scenes, interesting dialogue between characters"
Weaknesses "Some of the plot developments feel contrived"
Critique This scene seems to be a part of a bigger story, and as a standalone scene, it lacks context and background information. However, the dialogue between Walt, Blanc, and Richard is well-written and establishes a tense atmosphere. The flashback sequence is also effectively used to reveal new information and add depth to the characters and their relationships.

Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer visual descriptions and action lines to make it more engaging and cinematic. Additionally, more attention could be paid to the pacing and rhythm of the dialogue to avoid any potential monotony.
Suggestions First, the scene could benefit from more clear and concise dialogue. Some of the lines are unclear or run-on sentences. The screenwriter could work on making the exchanges between characters more polished and easier to follow.

Secondly, it might be helpful to have some visual cues or actions for the characters, such as gestures or movements, to make the scene more dynamic. This will also help break up long dialogue sequences and make the scene feel more visually interesting.

Finally, the screenwriter could work on pacing and tension. Right now, the scene feels slightly disjointed and slow-paced. By building tension and increasing the stakes of the conversation, the writer can keep the viewer engaged and invested in the scene.



Scene 8 -  The Money Wiring Issue
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. LIBRARY

Back to Richard. He grins, snaps his fingers.

RICHARD
Yes. I know - yes, ha. So. Harlan
decided to finally put his mom in a
nursing home. Which Linda always
opposed. And I was going to wait
till we were back home in Boston to
tell her, so there wouldn't be a
whole scene, but Harlan wanted me to
tell her then. That was it. Sorry.
Forgot.

BLANC
It happens.

Joni in the chair.

JONI
The house?
23.


BLANC
Early. Richard said you were there.

JONI
I was. At the house early.

BLANC
To see Harlan?

JONI
To see Harlan. Yes.

Joni stops, smelling something in the air. She's about to
ask about it but -

BLANC
What were you seeing Harlan about?

JONI
It was just a mix up with the payment
for Meg's tuition.

BLANC
I'm sorry to press, what kind of mix
up?

Joni hesitates, we FLASH BACK:


INT. SMALL STUDY - DAY OF PARTY

Harlan at his desk, toying with the same old baseball. This
is a thing he does at his desk. Joni standing, arms crossed.

JONI
The school hasn't got the check yet,
I don't know why Alan didn't mail it

HARLAN
Alan didn't mail it because he caught
a discrepancy. Alan's office has
been wiring tuition directly to the
school, as per your request. But
Phyllis's office that handles your
yearly allowance has been wiring the
tuition money directly to you as
well. As per your request. You've
been double dipping Meg's tuition,
stealing from me. A hundred thousand
dollars a year. For the past four
years.
24.


Harlan shows Joni a letter from his business manager, with
transaction receipts attached.

JONI
Harlan. I don't know how this mix up
happened but

Harlan opens his ledger, hand writes a check.

HARLAN
I'm writing this tuition check, then
that is the last money you or Meg
will get from me.

JONI
Heh. Harlan come on

HARLAN
Joni this money has propped you up,
and kept Meg in a Peter Pan state of
perpetual nonsense majors. I know
it'll hurt but it's for the best.

Joni's speechless, her face frozen. Harlan puts the
baseball down and detaches the check, holds it out to her.

HARLAN (cont'd)
My mind's made up.


INT. LIBRARY

Back to Joni. She shakes her head.

JONI
Just a money wiring issue. With the
office at the school. So I had to
ask Harlan to cut a check for this
semester. No big deal.

BLANC
Ah. Just checking - ha, check-ing.

Blanc is incredibly pleased with this pun.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Why don't we take a breather.
25.


INT. FOYER - DAY

Joni comes out into the foyer from the library, obviously
rattled. She pulls it together quick when Linda comes down
the stairs.

LINDA
Joni. You haven't seen Richard have
you?

JONI
No, I was just in with the - no.


INT. SMALL STUDY



LINDA (O.S.)
Richard!

Alone, Richard waits very still for Linda's footsteps to
walk away, then when he knows she's not coming in he
furtively rifles through desk drawers, finding various
ridiculous ephemera. He finds a small locked drawer,
jimmies it open with a letter opener.

Inside - the small pink envelope Harlan threatened him with
in his flashback. He rips it open, pulls out the card
inside.

It is blank.

Richard almost laughs. Drops it onto the desk.

RICHARD
Son of a bitch.

He spots Harlan's old baseball. Grabs it, spitefully chucks
it out the open window.
Genres: ["mystery","drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions the Thrombey family about their father's death, while flashbacks to the night of the party uncover possible motives for murder.
Strengths "Tension building between family members with possible motives for murder."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue and actions feel contrived for the purpose of advancing the plot."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and flows easily. However, there are a few critiques I'd like to address:

1. Lack of action: The scene has very little physical action, which can make the scene feel stagnant. There are moments where the characters stop talking, but there's no sensory detail or movement to keep the reader engaged.

2. Flashback sequence: The flashback sequence feels abrupt and disruptive to the flow of the scene. Perhaps it could benefit from being introduced earlier, or presented in a different format (e.g. intercutting between the present and past).

3. Characterization: While the dialogue is strong, the characters could benefit from more development. We don't learn much about their personalities or backgrounds beyond their immediate actions and words. Adding more detail could make them feel more complex and interesting.

In summary, the scene is well-written overall but could benefit from more action and fleshed-out characters.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the stakes: While Richard's dialogue gives us information about what's been going on, it doesn't necessarily clarify the stakes. What are the implications of Harlan's mother going into a nursing home? Why did Linda oppose it? How does it affect the family dynamic? Adding in more context about the characters and their relationships can make the scene more emotionally charged.

2. Use visual language: A scene set in a library can be visually dull, but with more description, it can come to life. What does the library look like? Are there any interesting details that can be incorporated into the scene? Remember that a screenplay can't rely on actors to convey everything - it has to be described on the page.

3. Add more conflict: While there is some tension in the conversation between Joni and Blanc, it could be heightened. What if Joni is hiding something more significant than a tuition mix-up? Or what if Blanc is suspicious of her and is interrogating her more aggressively? Adding more conflict can keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.

4. Use flashbacks more effectively: Flashbacks can be a useful tool to provide backstory, but they can also disrupt the flow of the scene. Instead of cutting away to the flashback, try incorporating it into the present action. For example, Joni could recount the mix-up with the tuition, and we could see the flashback of her conversation with Harlan as she speaks.

5. Make the scene more cinematic: Finally, as a screenwriter, it's important to always be thinking about how to make the scene more cinematic. What cinematic techniques can be used to enhance the drama of the moment - music, lighting, camera angles? By incorporating these elements, the scene can come to life on the page and, ultimately, on the screen.



Scene 9 -  Questioning the Nurse
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 10
EXT. SIDE OF HOUSE - DAY

Blanc, Elliott and Wagner stroll long the wide lawn beside
the house. Blanc ignites a long thin cigar.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Maybe I'm a victim of my own
expectations.
(MORE)
26.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (cont'd)
But when the great Benoit Blanc
knocks on my door, I expect it's
going to be for something... if not
extraordinary, at least interesting.
This is an open and shut case of
suicide.
(checks watch)
And Benny we're at the point where I
need to know what we're doing here.

Blanc notices the OLD BASEBALL lying in the grass. He picks
it up idly.

BLANC
The method, throat slit. Typical of
a suicide?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Dramatic. Which tracks. The guy
lived in a CLUE board.


INT. FOYER

Marta sits alone, across from a portrait of Harlan. Muffled
voices out on the patio. Cigar smoke drifts by outside.

She creeps over to the glass door. Puts her ear to it.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (O.S.)
You ask me to drag all these good
people back for questioning, go over
it all again, I don't get it. This
is a pleasant family with the usual
quarrels but no possible motives for
murder - where are you going?

At that moment, BLANC's face appears right next to Marta's
staring right at her through the distorted glass. She yelps
and falls back.


EXT. PATIO

Blanc opens the glass door. Marta steps back sheepishly,
but with a warm nod Blanc beckons for her to join them.

BLANC
Harlan Thrombey's nurse, Marta...

MARTA
...Cabrera
27.


BLANC
Marta Cabrera.

TROOPER WAGNER
Miss Cabrera, we'll be with you soon,
if you'd just wait -

BLANC
Miss Cabrera, I did a little poking,
you're hired on a part time basis as
a registered nurse, yes?

MARTA
Yeah, I don't work for a VNA. Harlan
hired me directly.

BLANC
You're paid a flat rate for how many
hours a week?

MARTA
Fifteen.

BLANC
And how many hours a week do you
actually work?

MARTA
It... depends.

BLANC
Many more than 15. Yes. Why?

MARTA
I started at 15, but slowly he...
needed more help.

BLANC
Medical help?

MARTA
He needed a friend.

Blanc smiles at the girl, genuinely touched.

BLANC
Does having a kind heart make you a
good nurse? Or do people assume your
heart is kind because you're good at
your job? I'm musing, you don't have
to answer that.
(beat)
And you cared for him...?
28.


MARTA
I did. I cared for him. I never
really had a relationship with my
dad, I guess in a way Harlan -

BLANC
Sorry, how long did you care for him,
I meant?

MARTA
Five years.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Blanc.

BLANC
Yes. Marta we were just discussing
possible motives in the family. I
suspect Harlan has told you much
unfiltered truth about each of them,
and also that you are not the type to
betray his confidence, so I'd like to
know if you are a good liar?

MARTA
No. No, ha. I have a thing where I
physically, I actually... I'm sorry
this is gross, if I even think about
telling a lie I start to throw up.

BLANC
Really? Is Richard having an affair?

Marta is stunned. She FLASHES BACK TO:


EXT. PATIO - DAY - FLASHBACK

She reads, Harlan sits at his laptop, heavy with sadness.

HARLAN
Why do men instinctively pull at
loose threads on their parachutes?

MARTA
What?

Harlan spins his laptop towards her - the Richard photos.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions the Thrombey family about their father's possible murder while Marta, Harlan's nurse, is eavesdropping and later questioned. Blanc tries to uncover possible motives for murder.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development for Marta, Blanc, and the rest of the Thrombey family."
Weaknesses "Lacks a strong emotional impact and clearer theme."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written and engaging scene. The dialogue is sharp and moves the story forward, revealing key information about the characters and the mystery they are trying to solve. The use of flashback to provide context for Marta's reaction to Blanc's question is effective and adds depth to her character. However, the scene could benefit from some more visual description to create a stronger sense of setting and atmosphere. For example, it is unclear what the house looks like or what the weather is like, which could enhance the mood and tone of the scene. Nonetheless, this is a solid scene that demonstrates strong screenwriting skills.
Suggestions Overall, the scene sets up some important information about the characters and their relationships, but it could benefit from some tightening and clearer objectives for the characters. Here are some suggestions:

- The beginning of the scene feels a bit aimless, with the characters simply strolling and chatting without a clear sense of purpose. It might help to establish what they're looking for or what their goals are in being at the house. For example, they could be searching for evidence or interviewing witnesses.

- For Lieutenant Elliott, it might be helpful to establish what his specific role is in the investigation. Is he in charge? Does he have a personal stake in the case? This would help to give his dialogue more context and weight.

- The introduction of the baseball feels somewhat random. It doesn't seem to contribute to the scene in a significant way, so it may not be necessary to include it at all.

- Marta's section of the scene is perhaps the strongest, as it gives us important information about her and establishes her as a sympathetic character. However, the dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from some more varied phrasing. Additionally, it might help to establish exactly why Blanc is questioning her about her honesty. Is he trying to gauge her potential involvement in the case? Is he simply curious?

- The final flashback with Harlan and Marta feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene. If it's important to establish that Harlan has shared information with Marta, it might be more effective to do so in a different context (such as a conversation between them).

Overall, the scene has some solid elements but could use some more clarity and focus to make it more engaging and impactful.



Scene 10 -  Questioning Marta about Richard and Joni
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. PATIO - DAY

Back to our scene. Marta looks queasy, tries to stall.
29.


MARTA
Heh - Richard? - affair? Heh.

BLANC
A yes or no will do.

She struggles, her jaw clenched, face working hard, then
attempts -

MARTA
.....no

And immediately VOMITS into a nearby planter.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT TROOPER WAGNER
Whoa! Oh my god!

They all rush to her, Blanc brings water, awfully concerned.

BLANC
Dear girl I'm sorry. I assumed you
were speaking figuratively.

Blanc takes the shortest acceptable beat of concern before
turning to Elliott.

BLANC (cont'd)
But I was obviously right, Richard is
having an affair, his father in law
found out and confronted him. "You
tell her. Or I will."

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Even if it's true... you ok?

Marta gives a weak thumbs up, recovering

ELLIOTT
Even if it's true, protecting his
marriage is weak sauce as a motive.

BLANC
Well. And then there is... Joni.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT TROOPER WAGNER
Joni? Joni?!

TROOPER WAGNER (cont'd)
Lifestyle guru Joni? No. Harlan was
supporting her and her daughter, she
had the opposite of a motive.

Marta tries to quietly slip back into the house
30.


BLANC
And if that support was threatened?
Miss Cabrera one moment please

MARTA
I'm just going to go get some Scope

BLANC
Miss Cabrera, was Harlan planning on
cutting off Joni's allowance?

Off Marta's "oh god no" face:


INT. STUDY - DAY - FLASHBACK

Harlan looking at the letter from his business manager, with
the transaction receipts. He sighs heavily.

MARTA
What's up?

HARLAN
When does a lifeline become a noose?

MARTA
A moose?

He hands her the letter.

HARLAN
No, not a moose.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions Marta about Richard's affair while she is struggling to keep it together, and then brings up Joni as another possible motive. Flashback shows Harlan's concern about Joni's financial dependence.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension as possible motives are explored and Marta's discomfort is palpable. There is character development for both Marta and Harlan through the flashback."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more concise and impactful. The vomiting scene could be seen as too melodramatic or over-the-top."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would commend the writer for creating a well-executed scene. The dialogue flows naturally, and the actions are well-described. The vomit scene adds some humor and serves as a good way to reveal Marta's reluctance to answer Blanc's question. The use of flashback is effective in providing context to the conversation and helps develop Harlan's character. However, I would suggest that the writer make some adjustments to the formatting of the script to make it more readable. The scene heading and action lines should be in all caps, while character names should be capitalized. Additionally, the writer should remove any unnecessary commas and include more active verbs in the description. Overall, this scene is well-written and contributes effectively to the story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would be to incorporate more action and movement, as the dialogue seems to dominate the entire scene. Also, it would be helpful to include more sensory details and nuances to bring out the emotional and physical responses of the characters. For example, instead of just saying Marta looks queasy, there could be a description of her pale face, sweat beads on her forehead, or her labored breathing. Adding more vivid details can create a more engaging and immersive scene for the audience. Additionally, it would be helpful to break up the dialogue into smaller chunks rather than long blocks to create better pacing and rhythm. Lastly, adding in a visual element, such as using a handheld camera to follow the action, can make this scene more dynamic and visually interesting.



Scene 11 -  Uncovering Motives
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. PATIO - DAY

Marta's face works against impending nausea.

MARTA
I...

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Ok don't answer that if you're going
to puke. Please.

But Blanc presses.

BLANC
Meg said Harlan pays the school
directly, Joni says he sends the
money to her.
(MORE)
31.

BLANC (cont'd)
Both were true, she was pocketing the
double payment, Harlan found out and
cut her off without a cent. Yes?
No?

Marta starts to shake her head no, but her throat convulses.
She nods. Blanc hands her a glass of water.

TROOPER WAGNER
And she bumps him off for the
inheritance? Come. On! Have you
seen her instagram? She Hamptons
with Gwyneth.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
I don't buy that she'd kill him over
an allowance, Blanc. She has her
business. More weak sauce.

Blanc idly scratches a spot on the side of his neck.

BLANC
That I'll grant you. But she lied.
To me. All three of them did.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Three?

BLANC
Walter.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
The value of Thrombey's books for
film and tv, now Walter can cash it
in. Again though, for patricide it's
weak.

BLANC
But there was something else. Harlan
had turned Walter down before
regarding film rights, but that night
something Harlan said shook him. We
look at the pattern, Harlan was
cleaning house. I wonder...
(to Marta)
did he plan to fire Walter?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT TROOPER WAGNER
Ok, Blanc - C'mon -
32.


MARTA
(honest & relieved)
If he did he didn't tell me. Thank
god. Can I wait inside? I don't
feel like I should be here.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Yes, but stay close.

She steps back in, grateful. Blanc to Elliott:

BLANC
You've been very patient my friend,
and you are right, none of these weak
alibis and domestic squibbles answer
your question: why is Benoit Blanc
here? But now I will tell you why.
(beat)
I am here because this morning
someone dodged one very important
question.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Who?

BLANC
Me. Linda asked who hired me.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
So who hired you?

BLANC
I. Don't. Know. An envelope of cash
showed up at my apartment yesterday,
with the news clipping of Thrombey's
death.

TROOPER WAGNER
An envelope of cash? That worked?

Blanc indicates with his fingers - several inches thick.

BLANC
An envelope of cash.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Hm. I'd like that for evidence.

BLANC
Of course.

Blanc hands him an empty envelope and news clipping.
Elliott arches an eyebrow, doesn't push it.
33.


BLANC (cont'd)
So somebody suspects foul play, but
goes through this ha cha dance of
hiring me, of staying anonymous.
Why? It makes no damn sense.
Compels me though.
(beat)
Walk me through everyone's
whereabouts at the time of death.

Elliott hesitates, but Blanc's got him hooked. He flips
open his notebook. Blanc leans back, closes his eyes.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
The party broke up at 11:30.
Everyone stayed the night at the
house, because they planned a family
breakfast the next morning.


INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT OF PARTY

Marta and Harlan vanish up the stairs towards the third
floor, while Richard and Linda head into the bedroom right
next to the stairs. Down the hallway Joni waves, and ducks
into another bedroom.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Marta took Harlan upstairs to give
him his meds, Richard and Linda and
Joni went right to bed. Now we do
have this: the stairs leading up to
Harlan's bedroom and his attic office
creak horribly.


INT. RICHARD AND LINDA'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Richard sleeps deep, Linda sleeps lightly.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
And Linda is a light sleeper. So we
know every time someone took the
stairs that night.


INT. JONI AND MEG'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY

Joni has decorated the room with colorful silks and candles.
She is in lotus position on her bed, meditating.
34.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
The first was when Joni heard a ka-
THUNK from somewhere above her in the
house.

Ka-THUNK! Joni looks up at the ceiling.


INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT OF PARTY

Joni trots down the hall and up the creaky stairs.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Worried about Harlan, she went to
check on him. Waking Linda.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions Marta about Richard's affair and Joni's financial dependence as possible motives for Harlan's murder.
Strengths "The tense dialogue creates a sense of anticipation and suspense. The ambiguity around Blanc's anonymous client and Harlan's death keeps the audience engaged."
Weaknesses "The scene jumps between multiple locations and characters, which may be confusing to some viewers."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and provides clear exposition about the events leading up to Harlan's death. However, the dialogue can come off as a bit expository, as characters are stating information that they likely already know in order to inform the audience. This can be seen when Lieutenant Elliott explains everyone's whereabouts at the time of death, which seems like information they would all already be aware of. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, particularly the discussion about instagram and the Hamptons, which feels like it's trying too hard to make a point about class. That being said, the scene effectively builds tension as Blanc reveals the mystery of who hired him, and leaves the audience wanting to know more about what's happening.
Suggestions One suggestion for improving this scene would be to add more visual details to the setting, such as describing the patio and characters' actions in more detail. This would help to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and flow better. Finally, the use of voiceover narration could be minimized to allow for more action and interaction between the characters.



Scene 12 -  The Night's Events Unfold
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. RICHARD AND LINDA'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY

CREAK CREAK CREAK! From outside. Linda's eyes pop open.


INT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT OF PARTY

Joni knocks on the door of Harlan's attic office. It opens,
and Harlan answers. In the room behind him we see Marta,
her back turned, preparing a hypo needle.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Harlan was in his attic office with
Marta. He explained that they had
just knocked the GO board over - that
game with the grid and stones, they
play it every night, and he was fine,
go to bed. So she does.

The spilled GO board on the floor. Joni kisses Harlan on
the cheek, goes. He shuts the door.


INT. RICHARD AND LINDA'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY

Linda has just gotten back to sleep.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Ten minutes later, Linda is woken a
second time, by Marta leaving.

CREAK CREAK CREAK! Linda wakes, supremely annoyed.

MARTA (O.S.)
Walt! I'm leaving now!
35.


EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT OF PARTY

Walt and Jacob sit on the porch, Walt with a cigar, Jacob
with his phone. Marta trots through, saying goodbye.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Walt was smoking a cigar on the porch
with his son. He saw her leave and
drive off, and noted the time -
midnight.

Walt glances at his watch. Midnight.


INT. RICHARD AND LINDA'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY

Linda with a pillow over her head.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Fifteen minutes later, Linda is woken
for the third and final time. By
someone coming down the stairs.

CREAK CREAK CREAK! Linda wakes. You've gotta be kidding me.


EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT OF PARTY

Walt, still smoking with Jacob, spots Harlan through the
glazed glass, coming down the stairs in the foyer.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Harlan. Who came down for midnight
snacks, which Walt tried to
discourage.

WALT
Dad, go to bed!

Through the glazed glass, Harlan goes back up the stairs.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
This is at 12:15. Based on this, the
medical examiner determined time of
death to be between 12:15 and 2am.
As Walt was finishing his cigar,
about 12:30, Meg came home. She went
straight to bed. Walt and Jacob
turned in shortly after that.

Meg pulls up, trots past Walt and Jacob and inside.
36.


INT. JONI AND MEG'S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY

Meg stirs, wakes. Joni is asleep.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (V.O.)
Sometime later that night,
undetermined but possibly near 3am,
Meg woke up because the dogs were
barking outside. She used the
bathroom and went back to bed.


EXT. PATIO - DAY

Elliott snaps the notebook closed.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
And that's it. Everyone's stories
matched, every movement accounted
for.

BLANC
There is no other staircase up to
Harlan's rooms?

Blanc scratches that same spot on the side of his neck.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
No. Just the creaky one.

BLANC
And Linda is certain another trip on
it would have woken her? Hm.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
You've got a bad rash there.

The spot on his neck. Blanc seems intrigued by this.

BLANC
Do I? Interesting.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
(not interesting)
Yeah. Interesting.

TROOPER WAGNER
So I guess we can rule out Ransom, he
wasn't there. And Marta, Harlan was
alive after she left. But Meg got
home during the time of death window.
37.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Except it was a suicide. Harlan hit
both carotids, he took no chances,
and the significant splatter patterns
are unbroken. Meaning nobody was
near him when it happened. It's
basically impossible for anyone but
Harlan to have cut his throat.

BLANC
Physical evidence can tell a clear
story with a forked tongue.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
What?

BLANC
And as we've seen this morning, all
people can lie. Well. Almost all.


INT. LIBRARY - LATE AFTERNOON

Marta in the chair. She shifts, uncomfortable.

Blanc, Elliott and Wagner in their normal places.

BLANC
Ms. Cabrera, we've kept you waiting
all afternoon because I wanted to
hear from you last. I wanted to have
the entire picture of the evening in
my head. Your piece of it is at its
very center. So please, take your
time. You took Mr. Thrombey upstairs
at 11:30. And left at midnight.
Think very carefully. And with as
much detail as possible, tell us what
happened in that half hour.

Marta is very still. A moment of silence. Blanc flips his
silver dollar into the air.

She does not say a word, but in that moment while the coin
hangs in the air we FLASH BACK with her to:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions Marta about possible motives for the murder, and reveals the timeline of events leading up to Harlan's death. Blanc questions Marta about her half-hour interaction with Harlan before his death.
Strengths "Strong pacing and tension-building through revealing the timeline of events leading up to Harlan's death. Development of potential motives for murder adds intrigue and suspense to the overall mystery."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant character development and emotional depth, and the dialogue can be slightly repetitive at times."
Critique As an AI language model, I am not qualified to provide an expert critique of screenplays. However, I can say that this scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the use of repeated sound effects and fragmented narration. The dialogue also reveals important information about the timeline of events and potential suspects in the murder investigation.
Suggestions The scene needs more action and dialogue to create tension and build suspense. Currently, it consists mostly of voiceover narration and brief descriptions of characters' actions. One suggestion would be to add more dialogue between the characters to make their motivations and intentions clearer to the audience. For example, adding a conversation between Joni and Harlan about their previous night's game of GO and why it was significant to their characters. Additionally, more details about the characters' personalities could be revealed through their interactions, making them more nuanced and interesting. Finally, the scene might benefit from more visual storytelling, using camera angles and movements to create a more dynamic and engaging viewing experience.



Scene 13 -  Questioning Motives
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. HARLAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

The night of the party. A clock on a nightstand: 11:32.
Off screen we hear Marta leading Harlan up the creaky
stairs.
38.


MARTA HARLAN
Up up up up - you got it? I got it. Up up up I got
it.

Marta enters the room, and behind her we see Harlan keep
climbing up the narrow stairs to his office.

MARTA
Up up nooooo no not tonight, no
straight to bed tonight it is soooo
late c'mon. Harlan. Harlan!

She grabs a med kit from the bedroom and follows him,
exasperated.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Elliott questions Marta about possible motives for Harlan's murder and reveals the timeline of events leading up to his death.
Strengths "Intense dialogue and character development."
Weaknesses "The flashback could be confusing without prior context."
Critique Overall, the scene presents a clear sequence of events and effectively sets the time and place. The dialogue between Marta and Harlan helps establish their relationship, as Marta tries to guide Harlan to bed while he seems adamantly determined to keep working. There are a couple of areas where the scene could benefit from further development.

Firstly, the scene could use some more visual description to create a more immersive atmosphere. For example, describing the bedroom and stairs in more detail would help create a more vivid sense of space and environment.

Additionally, the dialogue could be refined further to make it more specific and interesting. While the back and forth between Marta and Harlan hints at some tension in their relationship, it could be fleshed out more to add more depth to their characters and their dynamic.

Overall, the scene as it stands effectively sets up the events of the party night and establishes some key character dynamics, but could use some further work to make it more vivid and nuanced.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Show more emotion and tension between Marta and Harlan. The current exchange is very flat and doesn't give the audience much insight into their relationship. Consider adding some backstory or history to their interactions to make them more engaging to watch.

2. Use more descriptive language to create a clear picture in the audience's mind. For example, instead of saying "the nightstand," describe the nightstand in more detail so that the audience can visualize it. Use sensory language to create a more vivid impression of the scene.

3. Add some more action or movement to the scene to break up the dialogue. This scene is very dialogue-heavy and could benefit from some movement or physical action to keep it interesting. Consider having Harlan perform a task or action as he climbs the stairs, or have Marta move around the room while she talks.

4. Consider adding more dramatic tension or conflict to the scene. This is a flashback scene, so it's a good opportunity to reveal something important about the characters or the plot. Consider adding a twist or revelation that will keep the audience engaged.



Scene 14 -  Marta's Dilemma
  • Overall: 10.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Harlan sits, setting up a GO board. Marta enters.

MARTA HARLAN
It's late, I had champagne It's my birthday, we are -
no no no You had one glass - we're
not breaking tradition on my
birthday.

Marta puts two vials and a pill box on the GO board. She
pulls out two plastic wrapped hypodermics.

MARTA
Take your goddamn medicine and go to
bed.

HARLAN
If you're going to put that vile shit
in me you will have to earn it. On
my birthday.
(playing it up)
Eighty fifth. So old. Soo olddd

MARTA
Alright old man. 8x8 game.

She sits and they start clacking white and black stones on
the board.

HARLAN MARTA
Why can't I beat you at this
game? Because I'm not playing to
beat you, I'm playing to
Oh uh huh. build a beautiful pattern.

They play fast, and Marta is obviously winning.
39.


HARLAN
Elder abuse. I'm calling the AARP.

MARTA
Don't make me get the belt.

HARLAN
It's basically over. My only hope is
that an earthquake will strike. But
what are the chances -

Harlan starts shaking the table with his knee. He looks
around, startled. Marta just stares at him, deadpan.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Get under a door frame!

He tips the whole table and the GO board and med vials and
syringe and med kit fall to the soft rug. Things spill out
of the kit. A mess. Marta just shakes her head.

MARTA
Meds then beds.

HARLAN
Fair.

She retrieves the vials and loads a syringe from one of
them. Harlan rolls up his sleeve revealing a pre-inserted
catheter. He crosses to close the room's only small window.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Ugh, Walt's smoking a cigar on the
porch. Nasty things.

MARTA
How was tonight?

She hooks the syringe up to the catheter and slowly injects
him bit by bit while he talks.

HARLAN
Tonight was... good.

MARTA
Because I know you weren't looking
forward to it.

HARLAN
No. But I did it. Cut the line on
all four of them. It was not easy.
This goddamn fortune.
(MORE)
40.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Sometimes I think, everything I've
given my family, I've done, maybe
without knowing it, maybe, to keep
them beneath me. I should have
what... maybe, I don't know.
Encouraged Walt to write his own
stories, not just be a caretaker of
mine. Like you said I should. Been
a father, not just a provider, to
Joni. Like you've also said. I
should have been kinder to Linda.
And Ransom.

Harlan takes a curved ornamental dagger from a display
mount, turns it over in his hands.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Jesus there's so much me in that kid.
Confident, stupid, I dunno.
Protected. Playing life like a game
without consequence, till we can't
tell a stage prop from a real knife.

He stabs it into the desk, sharp and real. Leaves it there.

HARLAN (cont'd)
I don't fear death. But god I'd like
to fix some of this before I go.
Close the book with a flourish. I
guess we'll see.

MARTA
I guess we will. Hey. Old man.
You've had a long day. Let's do
drugs.

She loads the second syringe from the second vial.

HARLAN
Is that the good stuff?

MARTA
Yeah but just a tiny bit.

HARLAN
Send me to lala land. Why did I wait
till my mid eighties to become a
morphine user, this stuff's the best.

She pulls the needle from the second vial... then sees the
label. Freezes. Blinks at it.
41.


MARTA
Oh my god.

She snatches up the first vial she just injected him from.
Compares the label to the one she just picked up. They're
similar but not the same.

HARLAN
Is there a problem?

MARTA
This is what I just gave you 100
milligrams of. But I messed up.

HARLAN
You gave me 100 milligrams of the
good stuff.

She immediately pulls an EMERGENCY KIT from a nearby shelf,
starts calmly but quickly going through its contents.

HARLAN (cont'd)
What's the good stuff dosage supposed
to be?

MARTA
Lets not call it that right now -
three milligrams.

HARLAN
That's much less. So what happens?

MARTA
I give you an emergency shot of
Naloxone, so that you don't die in
ten minutes.

HARLAN
Well no pressure. You know that's an
interesting, efficient method for
murder, I need to write that down.

He gets a little notebook and scribbles while she checks and
rechecks the kit contents with increasing urgency.

HARLAN (cont'd)
So if someone switched the meds on
purpose I'd be dead in ten minutes,
like stone cold dead?

MARTA
You'll feel symptoms in five. Sweats,
disorientation.
(MORE)
42.

MARTA (cont'd)
Then yeah, that big a dose, injected,
within ten your respiratory - your -
yes ten minutes.

HARLAN
From the time of injection, so
eightish now. And even if the victim
called an ambulance when he first
felt symptoms, if he was at a country
home like this one... where the
ambulance takes fifteen minutes to
arrive, it would be too late. If the
victim didn't have this emergency
Naxostuff.

He watches her. She's now digging around the carpet,
looking under the couch. She dumps the entire contents of
the kit out and is now frantically going through it. A bead
of sweat rolls down Harlan's brow.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Marta. Do you have Naxostuff?

MARTA
Yes! Naloxone yes it comes with the
emergency kit - it should be here,
it's - fuck. No Harlan it's not
here. It's not. Oh my god.

They look at each other for a second. She's panicked. He's
thinking.

MARTA (cont'd)
Where's my phone? Shit -

She picks up a landline phone on the table, dials 911 with
shaking hands -

Before it can even ring, the line goes dead.

She looks, unbelieving: Harlan's finger is on the cradle.
His eyes are locked with hers, serious and certain.

MARTA (cont'd)
Harlan what are you doing?

HARLAN
Marta, listen to me.

MARTA HARLAN
Harlan we need to - are you Stop. Stop stop, Marta
crazy, we need to call, they listen there isn't time stop
need to get here I need to - now stop
43.


She goes for her cell phone across the room and Harlan stops
her - they trip and fall to the ground with a KA-THUNK.

MARTA HARLAN
What are you doing are you Marta it's too late it is
nuts? over, it's too late I am
dead listen. LISTEN.

He actually puts his hand over her mouth.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Listen. If what you said is true I
am gone, there's no saving me, we
have six minutes. There is one last
thing I need to do in this world, and
only you can help me do it. But you
need to trust me and do everything I
say.

MARTA
What do you want to do?

HARLAN
Get you out of this. Think of your
mom - please trust me, we have to
make this look ironclad like it can't
have been your fault. You. Can't.
Have done this.

MARTA
My mom...?

CREAK on the stairs outside.

HARLAN
Get up.

A knock on the door.

JONI (O.S.)
Harlan? Marta? Everything alright?

Harlan and Marta stand. She's dazed, deer in the
headlights, but he's focused and sharp. He turns her away
from the door.

HARLAN
Stand here, keep your back to me,
don't say a word.

Harlan opens the door. While he gets rid of Joni we stick
with Marta, who stands stock still, tears running down her
face, eyes wild - what does she do?
44.


HARLAN (cont'd)
Joni.

JONI
I - hi - I heard something, is
everything ok?

HARLAN
Oh yes we just, I just knocked over
the GO board, sorry about that.

JONI
Everything's alright?

HARLAN
Yes yes all fine, go to bed Joni.

JONI
Ok. And maybe we can talk tomorrow
about the, uh, the thing with

HARLAN
Yes. Tomorrow.

JONI
Love you, Night.

HARLAN
Night night.

Harlan shuts the door. Looks at the knife still sticking in
the desk. Then takes Marta's shoulders, looks in her eyes.

HARLAN (cont'd)
Your mom is still undocumented, if
this is your fault she'll be found
out and at best deported, your family
will be broken.

A new kind of fear in Marta's eyes.

MARTA HARLAN
Oh god But we're not going to let
that happen. I have a plan,
it's not going to be easy
but you have to do exactly
what I tell you. Will you
do this Marta? This last
thing. For me, and for your
family. Will you. Please.

She's terrified. But she nods.
45.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Harlan and Marta talk about Harlan's family and the questioning of his death. Marta accidentally injects Harlan with a lethal dose of morphine and they begin to panic as they realize there is not enough time to save him. Harlan comes up with a plan to protect Marta's undocumented mother and instructs her to follow his lead in making his death look like a suicide.
Strengths "Strong character development and tension building"
Weaknesses "Potentially triggering content with the drug overdose"
Critique This is an excellent scene with strong character development and tension building. The dialogue flows naturally and each character has a distinct voice. The flashback structure works well here, allowing the audience to understand Harlan and Marta's relationship and setting up the mystery to come. The stakes are high, which keeps the audience invested, and the twist at the end raises the tension even further. All in all, this is a well-crafted scene that sets up the story's conflict and leaves the audience wanting more.
Suggestions The scene is well-written and engaging. However, there are a few suggestions to make it even better.

1. Show, don't tell: Instead of Harlan saying that he had cut off his family, show how he did it in the scene. Have him mention specific actions or conversations he had with his family members that led to the decision. This will make the audience understand his character more.

2. More suspense: To increase the tension in the scene, have Joni knock on the door just as Marta is about to inject the wrong medicine. This will create a sense of urgency and make the audience wonder if they will get caught.

3. Emotionally charged dialogue: The scene would benefit from more emotional dialogue between Harlan and Marta. Marta's fear for her family is only mentioned briefly, but it could be explored more in-depth. Additionally, Harlan's regrets and desires about his family could be expressed in a more emotional and impactful way.

4. Visual elements: The scene could use more visual cues to illustrate the situation. For instance, when Harlan and Marta fall to the ground, have the syringes roll away from them, emphasizing the gravity of the situation. Also, show more close-ups of Harlan and Marta's faces to capture their emotions.

By incorporating these suggestions, the scene could be even more effective in engaging the audience and moving the story forward.



Scene 15 -  Marta's Midnight Mission
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT OF THE PARTY - FLASHBACK

Walt smoking and Jacob.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Go downstairs as noisily as you can,
say goodbye loudly.

MARTA (O.S.)
Walt! I'm leaving!

Marta exits quickly, down to her car.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Call attention to the time if you
can.

MARTA
God it's almost midnight.

Walt checks his watch.


INT. MARTA'S CAR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

She drives out the guard gate and down the private road.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Drive out the gate, then to avoid the
security cameras, pull off the road
BEFORE the carved elephant.

Up ahead - a weathered wood carved elephant statue.

MARTA
Wait... was it before or after?

HARLAN (V.O.)
AFTER the carved elephant.

MARTA
No, he said - before? Was it?

HARLAN (V.O.)
BEAFTERFORE the carved elephant.

MARTA
Shit...

She yanks the wheel and pulls off BEFORE the statue.
46.


EXT. WOODS - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Marta trudges away from the parked car, tree branches
catching her hair.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Park and come back on foot up to the
house,

MARTA
Goddammit Harlan.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE GATE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

A waist-high stone wall with a little pedestrian gate. The
house up ahead. Marta goes through the gate and up towards
the house.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Take the side yard path, through that
little gate.

The DOGS sprint down the moonlit yard from the house towards
Marta.

HARLAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
The dogs will know you, they
shouldn't bark.

The dogs stop at Marta and lick her hand.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Marta looks up the side of the looming house. A sturdy
trellis on the wall, and high above a third story window.

HARLAN (V.O.)
You've got to get up to the third
floor without being seen, and the
only way is to climb the side trellis
and come in through the trick hall
window.

MARTA
You've gotta be kidding me.

HARLAN (V.O.)
I am not. Do it.
47.


Cut to: moments later, Marta climbing the trellis. It's
easy going until a piece BREAKS under her foot, and she
swings for a second by one hand.

HARLAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
And for godssakes don't make any
noise.


INT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

What appears to be a dead end hallway, with a painting at
the end. BUT suddenly the end wall swings away like a door,
revealing a WINDOW behind it. Marta heaves her way in
through it, and steps lightly into Harlan's bedroom.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Once you're inside, this is the
tricky part.

MARTA (V.O.)
THIS is the tricky part?


INT. HARLAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

HARLAN (V.O.)
Get my robe and cap from my bedroom.
And put them on.

She picks them up from the bed. Stops. A moment of doubt.


INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Back to the scene with Harlan. Marta stops him.

MARTA
Harlan this is - I -

HARLAN
Suspicion is going to fall on you,
and we need to make this so airtight
your average cop will entirely
dismiss you as a suspect. This seems
crazy but it will work.


INT. HARLAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Marta in the robe, pulling the cap on, tucking her hair
under it.
48.


HARLAN (V.O.)
Now, go downstairs.


INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT OF PARTY - FLASHBACK

Marta, in Harlan's robe and cap, creeps down the creaky
stairs, then keeps going down.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Walt and Jacob are smoking outside.
They'll see you...


INT. FOYER - NIGHT OF PARTY - FLASHBACK

Marta come down the stairs, and sees the outline of Walt and
Jacob outside through the glazed window windows.

HARLAN (V.O.)
...through the glazed window.

She holds her breath, a deer in the headlights.

WALT
Dad, go to bed.

Marta heads right back up the stairs.

HARLAN (V.O.)
You were seen leaving, the security
cameras show you driving off, and
twenty minutes later I am seen alive
and well by my son.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Marta follows Harlan's instructions to sneak into his estate and stage his death as a suicide, in order to protect her mother from deportation.
Strengths "The scene builds tension and maintains a sense of urgency. The mission given by Harlan adds complexity and intrigue to the plot and presents a moral dilemma for Marta. The characters' actions are motivated by their relationships and stakes."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is mostly functional and lacks complexity or depth. Some of the plot developments rely on conveniences or implausibilities, such as the dogs not barking at Marta. The tone may be too dark or cynical for some audiences."
Critique This scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue flows naturally and sets up the plot nicely, with Harlan guiding Marta through the steps of how to create an airtight alibi. The use of flashbacks adds intrigue and depth to the story, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what happens next. The use of voiceover by Harlan provides a clear and concise explanation of what Marta needs to do, making it easy for the audience to follow along. The scene builds tension well, with Marta having to do risky and improbable tasks to complete the alibi. Overall, this scene does a great job of advancing the plot and setting up the premise of the story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written, with clear and concise instructions for what the character Marta needs to do. However, there are a few areas where improvements could be made:

1. Dialogue tags: Try to avoid using the same type of dialogue tag repeatedly. In this scene, the use of "(V.O.)" could be replaced by "over the phone" or "on the phone" to mix it up a bit and keep the dialogue flowing.

2. Description: Consider adding more description to certain parts of the scene, such as the weathered wood carved elephant statue or the trellis Marta climbs. This can help create a clearer picture in the reader's mind.

3. Emotional depth: While the scene does a good job of outlining the plot and what Marta needs to do, it doesn't delve into her emotional state. Adding a few small moments of doubt or fear can make the scene more compelling and showcase the risks Marta is taking.

4. Characterization: Finally, consider adding tiny bits of characterization for the other characters in the scene, such as Walt or Jacob. This can help flesh them out and make them feel more like real people.



Scene 16 -  Protecting the Truth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT

Marta climbs the creaky stairs.

HARLAN (V.O.)
You've gone from suspect number one
to an impossibility.


INT. HARLAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Marta ducks in, ditching the robe and cap on the bed.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD - NIGHT

Marta shimmies down the last of the trellis.
49.


HARLAN (V.O.)
Leave the way you came. And don't.
Be. Seen.

She hops to the ground, then FREEZES and almost shouts.

She's facing a darkened first floor window. Wide open. And
inside it, staring RIGHT AT her, is Greatnana.

Marta is frozen. Greatnana isn't moving either. Just has
her eyes locked on Marta.

After what seems like forever, Greatnana cocks her head
slightly and asks...

GREATNANA
Ransom? Are you back again already?

Marta breathes. And backs away. Then turns and goes,
quickly, down across the lawn.

HARLAN (V.O.)
Drive home. Sometime in the next few
days the police will question you.


INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - NIGHT

Back to Harlan and Marta.

MARTA
Harlan I can't lie I'll puke

HARLAN
Don't lie. Tell fragments of the
truth. In this exact order:


INT. LIBRARY - LATE AFTERNOON

Blanc catches his coin. Lieutenant Elliott and Trooper
Wagner look up at Marta, expectant. Just a brief moment has
passed since we left them.

MARTA
I took him upstairs. We played our
nightly game of GO, at some point he
knocked the board over and Joni came
up to check on us. Then I gave him
pain medication, he pulled his
shoulder last week, and left him in
his study. At midnight. Said bye to
Walt, went home.
50.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
What medication did he get?

Marta chooses her words very carefully:

MARTA
Since his injury I've been giving him
a 100 milligram IV push of Toradol, a
non narcotic analgesic. And to help
him sleep, 3 milligrams of morphine.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Anything unusual about his demeanor?

Uh oh. Marta keeps it solid. Superhuman effort.

MARTA
No.

The three men nod. Blanc holds Marta's gaze. She holds it
right back. Then he smiles.

BLANC
Well that sounds about right. Thank
you Ms. Cabrera.


INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER

Marta walks calmly out of the library. Then across the
foyer into a small door.


INT. HALF BATH

Marta walks in, closes the door behind her, locks it, turns
on both the taps, and PUKES into the toilet.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

HARLAN THROMBEY - his portrait, with an ambiguous look on
his face.

Marta. Soda water in hand at the reception that night.
Staring shell shocked at Harlan.

The reception for friends of the family. Tables of food.
Twenty or thirty people milling, in dark tasteful clothes,
with the whole Thrombey family.

A tearful Fran has cornered Marta, talks through sobs:
51.


FRAN
I don't think he killed himself I
don't. I don't. There's this
Hallmark movie Deadly By Surprise
where Danica McKellar plays a wife
who gets poisoned by her husband but
bit by bit so she thinks she's going
crazy and she ends up killing
herself, and my cousin who's the
receptionist at the medical examiners
office says that kind of thing can
totally happen, she says it's not
even like 3% as crazy as stuff she's
seen come through the -

As Fran's talking, Marta looks at the room of family
members, gathered around talking. She FLASHES BACK to:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Marta follows Harlan's instructions to stage his death as a suicide and maintain the secret of her accidental murder in order to protect her mother from deportation.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of tension and urgency as Marta tries to follow Harlan's instructions to get away with murder and protect her family. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition to convey the plot and feels a bit slow. Some of the dialogue is a bit clunky and could be improved."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine if a scene is good or bad since it is subjective. However, I can provide some insights on the following scene.

The scene is written in a traditional INT/EXT slug line format, which is good. It clearly indicates the location, time of day/night, and whether it is indoors or outdoors. The scene is concise and easy to read, making it easy for the reader to follow.

The use of voice-over (V.O.) is helpful in adding context and depth to the scene. In this particular scene, using voice-over helps to establish the sense of urgency and tension, as well as Marta's internal thoughts.

The use of flashbacks and call-backs is also a good technique. In this scene, the flashback helps to build suspense, while the call-back to Fran's conversation reminds the audience of the potential motives and suspects.

One potential area of improvement could be in the character's dialogue. While the dialogue is functional, it could be more dynamic and unique to each character's voice. It could also be more revealing of their motives and emotions, which would add depth to their characterization and further engage the audience.

Overall, the scene is well-written, concise, and effective in building tension and advancing the plot.
Suggestions - Before Fran's conversation and the reception, show Marta entering the room and scanning the faces of the Thrombey family. This would give more context to her later flashback.

- Add more details to Marta's escape from the Thrombey estate, such as obstacles she had to overcome or moments of being almost caught. This would make the scene more suspenseful and engaging.

- Develop Greatnana's character more, giving her some unique traits or quirks that make her stand out from other elderly characters in movies. This would make her exchange with Marta more memorable and add more depth to the story.

- Show more of Marta's internal struggle as she lies to the police, maybe through a voiceover or flashbacks to her conversations with Harlan. This would make her character more relatable and create more tension in the scene.

- Add more background information about Harlan and Marta's relationship, such as how long they have known each other or what their dynamic was like. This would make their scenes together more impactful and give more context to their interactions.



Scene 17 -  Uncomfortable Conversations
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT OF PARTY - FLASHBACK - NIGHT

NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Harlan and Ransom go off together to have a private talk,
leaving the family having a heated conversation in the
living room.

RICHARD JONI
I don't like him no he's an
asshole but maybe an
asshole's what we needed Oh god. Yeah an asshole's
what Germany needed in
oh uh huh yeah there you go nineteen thirty ever

Marta stays on the outskirts. Fran, with a tray of
champagne flutes:

FRAN
Jesus. I'm gonna disappear until the
politics talk is done. You want some
champers?

MARTA
No I'm technically working. Thanks.

Marta checks her watch. Meanwhile Donna, who's had a few, is
tearing into the family fight.
52.


DONNA JONI
We're losing our way of life
and our culture, there's
millions of Mexicans coming
and this isn't Joni don't Oh god really - yeah it's
make this a race thing, I'd not a race thing yeah
say the same thing if they
were European immigrants - Oh yeah, if the Swiss were
we allow them in and they clogging in the streets -
think they own what's ours They're putting. Children.
In cages. I mean these are
camps.

RICHARD JONI
Nobody's saying that isn't
bad, but I blame the parents For wanting a better life
for their kids, isn't that
what America

RICHARD
For breaking the law. You're going
to hate hearing this but it's true,
America is for Americans. Marta, come
here.

Richard beckons her over, waving his cake plate. We've seen
this moment before, silent, during Richard's questioning.

LINDA
Oh god don't.

Marta is drawn over next to Richard, very uncomfortable.

RICHARD
No, Marta your family came from
Uruguay but you did it right, she did
it legally, I'm saying. You work
hard, and you'll earn your share from
the ground up just like dad and all
of us did - Marta I bet you agree
with me.

LINDA
Leave the poor girl alone.

RICHARD
No Marta do you agree, I'd like you
to answer - you wanna become an
American, there are legal ways to do
it, but if you break the law it
doesn't matter if you have a good
heart, you gotta face the
consequences.
53.


At that moment booming shouts begin behind the study door -
Harlan and Ransom going at it. Ransom bursts out.

Marta takes the opportunity to slip into the hallway, alone.
She breathes hard. Takes a champagne flute from the tray.
Drinks it in one gulp.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

END FLASHBACK. Marta in the same spot, Fran still talking
her ear off. The room sways. Marta sucks in breath, sways,
and braces herself against the wall.

FRAN
Oh my god Marta, what?

Meg runs over, rubs her back.

MEG
Whoa hey, c'mere, hey. What do you,
you want water? Breathe. Hey. Fran
have you still got your stash?


INT. DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT

Empty and dark, fireplace blazing. Above the fireplace is
an ornate mantle clock. Fran uses a key to unlock one of
several tiny drawers hidden in its face, takes out a joint
and hands it to Meg.

FRAN
Take em whenever you need em -
they're just drying out since you
gave me that Juul.

MEG
Thanks Fran.

Fran leaves them alone.

MARTA MEG
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm Stop saying you're sorry
sorry Jesus

Meg lights the joint.

MARTA
God my heart won't stop, I can't -
it's just everything, no, thank you

she refuses the joint, then realizes where it came from.
54.


MARTA (cont'd)
That's where Fran keeps her stash?

MEG
Who ever opens a clock?
(then)
Walt! Walt!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Marta is questioned about her legal status and encouraged to agree with illegal immigration being wrong. Harlan and Ransom have an argument in another room during a family party.
Strengths
  • Takes a very serious and controversial topic and creates an uncomfortable and realistic situation
  • Creates tension through dialogue
  • Characters show their values and beliefs clearly
Weaknesses
  • Scene doesn't move the plot forward significantly
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. It effectively captures the tensions and conflicts within the family during the party, and how Marta, as an outsider, is affected by it. However, there are a few things that could be improved.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more character development. Although we get a sense of each character's perspective on the political issues being discussed, we don't learn much else about them. Adding more backstory or personal details could make the characters more compelling and their arguments more emotionally charged.

Secondly, while the dialogue is realistic, it could be more concise. Some lines, such as "Oh god. Yeah an asshole's what Germany needed in nineteen thirty ever" and "Oh yeah, if the Swiss were clogging in the streets" don't add much to the story and could be cut for the sake of brevity.

Finally, the scene could be more visually interesting. Apart from Marta slipping away and leaning against the wall, there isn't much action. Adding more physical movements, such as characters pacing or gesturing, could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

Overall, the scene is effective in setting up tension and introducing conflict, but could benefit from more fleshed-out characters, tighter dialogue, and more physical action.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels disjointed and lacks focus. It jumps between characters and their conversations without a clear through-line. Here are some suggestions:

- Consider focusing on one or two conversations instead of trying to include multiple arguments and discussions all at once. This will make it easier for the audience to follow and engage with the scene.

- Give the characters more distinct voices and motivations. Right now, many of them sound similar, and it's hard to tell why they have the opinions they do. Delve deeper into their backgrounds and personalities to make them more dynamic.

- Consider cutting down on the political discussion. While it's important to establish the family's beliefs and conflicts, it's also easy for this type of dialogue to become heavy-handed and preachy. Find ways to reveal the characters' ideologies through their actions and interactions instead of relying solely on their words.

- Add more tension and conflict to the scene. Right now, it feels like a relatively polite conversation rather than a heated family argument. Consider having characters talk over each other, interrupt, or become physically agitated to make the scene more dynamic.

- Finally, consider how the scene connects to the larger story. What is the purpose of this conversation in terms of character and plot development? How does it move the story forward or reveal important information? By grounding the scene in a larger narrative context, you can make it feel more impactful and engaging.



Scene 18 -  Detective Blanc Enlists Marta's Help
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIVING ROOM

Walt yells at a non responsive, bored Greatnana.

WALT LINDA
DO YOU WANT DINNER, NANA? Walt she's fine, she ate the
DINNER? TO EAT? EAT? whole salmon spread already.

Meg grabs Walt, pulls him to Marta.

MEG
Did you tell Marta yet? What we all
talked about?

WALT MEG
No, not yet, is now a good Yes a very good time. Right
time? now.

WALT
Marta. We've talked it over, and
(wait)
Are you smoking grass?

MEG
No.

WALT
We talked it over and the whole
family, we want to take care of you.

MARTA
What does that mean?

MEG
We all think you deserve something.

WALT
Financially, we want to help you out.
You were never anything but good to
dad. Because of that, you can count
on us.

Walt embraces her, Meg puts a hand on her back.
55.


Over Walt's shoulder, Marta sees Harlan's portrait again.
Has its expression changed? It looks like it has a slight
conspiratorial smile. Marta breathes - maybe this is all
going to be ok.

WALT (cont'd)
I thought you should have been at the
funeral, by the way. I was outvoted.


EXT. SIDE PORCH - NIGHT

Later. Marta comes out to get some air. Exhales deeply.

And then jumps - she's not alone. Benoit Blanc sits in a
wicker chair in the dark, smoking a long thin cigar.

MARTA
Wah ha. Detective. You're still here?

BLANC
Mm.

Silence. Blanc smokes and stares at Marta. Marta shifts.

MARTA
Did you know Harlan?

BLANC
He knew my father who was a police
detective. Years ago.

MARTA
So that's why you're here?

BLANC
Here now here? No. I stayed hoping
to speak to you a little more.

MARTA
Uh?

BLANC
Something is afoot with this whole
affair. I know it, and I believe you
know it.

MARTA
So you're... going to keep digging.

BLANC
Harlan's detectives they dig, they
rifle and root, truffle pigs.
(MORE)
56.

BLANC (cont'd)
I anticipate the terminus of
gravity's rainbow.

MARTA
Gravity's Rainbow.

BLANC
It's a novel.

MARTA
I know. I haven't read it.

BLANC
Neither have I. Nobody has. But I
like the title. It describes the
path of a projectile, determined by
natural law. Voila, my method. I
observe the facts without biases of
the head or heart, I determine the
arc's path, stroll leisurely to its
terminus, and the truth falls at my
feet.
(beat)
The medical examiner was ready to
rule this a suicide, but Elliott
agreed to keep it pending for forty
eight hours. Tomorrow morning I
search the grounds and the house,
begin my investigation. I want you
to be by my side for it. My
confidant, my eyes and ears.

MARTA
What but - why me?

BLANC
I trust your kind heart. Also you
are the only one who had nothing to
gain from Harlan's death. So.
Watson.

Blank puts out his cigar, stands.

MARTA
You want my insight into this family?
None of them are murderers. That's
my insight.

BLANC
And yet. Be it cruel or comforting,
this machine unerringly arrives at
the truth. That's what it does.
57.


MARTA
Always?

He does a little bow.

BLANC
Tomorrow at eight.

Marta watches him go.


INT. CABRERA LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marta gets home. Her mom is on the couch, zoning out in
front of the tv, still in a cleaning uniform. Without a
word Marta sits next to her. Stares at the TV.

Off her eyes, we FLASH BACK with her:


INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

HARLAN
I know I missed something... there's
going to be something I missed. But
I know you can beat it. Without
losing your soul you have to do what
you have to do to beat this, and win.

MARTA
I can't.

HARLAN
You can and you have to. For me.
Right now.

She's out the door and he shuts it.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Blanc tells Marta he believes there is more to Harlan's death, and enlists her help in his investigation the next morning. Marta returns home to her undocumented mother, still reeling from her accidental murder of Harlan and the subsequent cover-up.
Strengths "The dialogue between Detective Blanc and Marta is engaging and layered, giving insight into their respective characters. The suspense and mystery surrounding Harlan's death is intriguing and keeps the viewer engaged."
Weaknesses "The scene is relatively slow-moving and doesn't present any major plot developments."
Critique Firstly, it's important to note that without context of the plot, it's difficult to fully critique a scene. However, based on the dialogue and character actions present in this scene, there are a few potential issues:

1. The dialogue between Walt and Linda feels unnatural. The repetition of "Do you want dinner? To eat? Eat?" seems unnecessary and unnatural.

2. The introduction of the character Benoit Blanc and his dialogue feels confusing and convoluted. It's unclear what he's trying to convey and his speech comes across as overly pretentious.

3. The jump from Walt and Meg discussing Marta's financial situation to Marta seeing Harlan's portrait and feeling reassured is abrupt and feels disjointed.

Overall, the scene suffers from some clunky dialogue and disjointed transitions. Additionally, the introduction of Blanc's character and speech feels excessive and may detract from the main story.
Suggestions - The scene in the living room feels disjointed and could benefit from clearer transitions between the dialogue. For example, when Meg grabs Walt and pulls him to Marta, there is no action description of this happening. Adding a line like "Meg drags Walt over to Marta" would help clarify what is happening.

- Walt's line "Are you smoking grass?" feels out of place and could be removed without affecting the rest of the scene.

- The transition from the living room to the side porch could be smoother. Perhaps adding a shot of Marta looking out a window and seeing Blanc sitting outside before cutting to the porch would help connect the two scenes.

- The dialogue between Marta and Blanc is quite dense, and some of Blanc's lines could be simplified. For example, instead of saying "Be it cruel or comforting, this machine unerringly arrives at the truth," he could simply say "This is how I work, and I always find the truth."

- The flashback at the end could benefit from more context. It's unclear what Marta is struggling with, and why Harlan is encouraging her to do something to "beat it." Adding more information about the situation would help ground the scene.



Scene 19 -  The Evidence Revealed
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. OUTSIDE HARLAN'S ATTIC OFFICE DOOR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Marta stands frozen. Soft voices of Walt and Jacob float up
from downstairs. She turns back to the door.

Silence. Moments going by. Shit. Can she do this? Shit.

No. She turns and pushes back into the office -


INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

MARTA
Harlan I have to get you help -
58.


Harlan reclines on the couch in the middle of the room,
ornate dagger against his throat. Marta's eyes go wide.

HARLAN
Do what I say and everything's going
to be ok, Marta. I promise.

She makes a move to stop him and with one quick motion he
DRAWS THE DAGGER across his throat. Blood sprays.

She leaps back, hands to her mouth, spins and leaves the
room, closing the door behind her.


EXT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Breathing hard, silent crying. Then her breathing slows.
Her brain taking over. Resolve settling. The dice are
thrown. She wipes her eyes. Then bounds down the stairs,
out of frame.

MARTA (O.S.)
Walt, I'm leaving now.


INT. CABRERA LIVING ROOM

Back to Marta and her mom on the couch. She puts her hand
on Mom's knee.

MARTA
Everything's going to be ok. I
promise.

MOM
(of course)
I know.

They go back to watching tv. But Marta's mind is buzzing.

On her white sneaker, we see but she does not - one single
drop of blood.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE GUARD GATE - MORNING

The gate is open, Marta's car pulls up just inside it. The
small Guard house next to the gate, Blanc, Elliott and
Wagner outside it. Blanc waves to her.
59.


INT. GUARD HOUSE

Thrombey's security man, MR PROOFROC, guides them into the
cramped dusty space. Proofroc is old and salty. He shows
them old photos of the house, stuck to a steel fridge with
big brightly colored fruit magnets.

MR PROOFROC
Fifty years I worked this estate,
back when it was the Redfirns. Course
back then security meant making the
rounds with a 94, keeping your ears
open. Before all this modern
technology.

Nothing in the room is newer than 1988. An 8 inch CRT
monitor shows a phosphorescent live feed of the road outside
the gate, and a top loaded VHS VCR sits next to it.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
So what do you have from that night?

MR PROOFROC
Eh?

He squints, hard of hearing.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT TROOPER WAGNER
What do you - WHAT DO YOU
HAVE, FROM THAT NIGHT, WHAT WHAT DO YOU HAVE FROM THAT
DO YOU HAVE FROM THAT NIGHT? NIGHT?

Proofroc squints at Marta, who asks him quietly

MARTA
What do you have from that night?

MR PROOFROC
Well the video here, I saved the tape
from that night, usually I erase 'em
with the magnetic de-gauser, but I
thought better save that one. Cause,
security. That's the live feed
there.

Marta notices something with alarm - the video feed shows
the road outside, and at the top edge you can just barely
see the carved elephant that marks the gardener's utility
road. She realizes Harlan said
60.


HARLAN (V.O.)
...to avoid the security cameras,
pull off the road AFTER the carved
elephant.

Marta keeps a poker face, but.. shit.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
(to Proofroc)
Can we see CAN WE SEE THE TAPE? THE
TAPE? FOR THE NIGHT? TAPE!

MARTA MR PROOFROC
(quiet, to Proofroc)
They want to see the tape. Oh sure.

CLACK! The tape loads into the mechanical VCR. An
impossibly grainy, smeared night vision view of the road
outside the gate. Time stamp: 10:02pm.

TROOPER WAGNER
It's like a Japanese horror movie.

MR PROOFROC
(proud)
I record it SSLP, gets eight hours
per tape. Nine pm to five am.

BLANC MARTA
Can we - (to Proofroc)
(to Marta)
Can we scan forward?
Can we scan forward?

MR PROOFROC
Hold the play button down and press
the FF down halfway till you feel it
grind.

Wagner does, the machine makes horrible noises and the
picture frizzles and frazzles. Then stops and ejects.

MR PROOFROC (cont'd)
And hold the tape down or it'll
eject.

BLANC
Can your guys digitize it so we can
scan it properly?

TROOPER WAGNER
I'm sure we can.
61.


MARTA
I got it.

Marta grabs the tape from the VCR.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT BLANC
THANK YOU THANK YOU

MARTA MR PROOFROC
Thank you. You're welcome.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta is taken to the Thrombey estate by Blanc, where they investigate the night of Harlan's death. Marta realizes that her mistake is caught on camera but manages to hide it from the investigators.
Strengths "The suspenseful and thrilling tone in the scene keeps the viewer engaged. Marta's quick thinking and the tension of hiding her mistake adds depth to her character. The scene also reveals important plot information and clues."
Weaknesses "The scene has a slower pace compared to the previous ones, and the dialogue could be more dynamic. The theme of illegal immigration could be explored more deeply."
Critique The scene starts off with good suspense, as Marta is frozen outside Harlan's attic office door, listening to the voices of Walt and Jacob downstairs. However, the use of "shit" twice in quick succession feels unnecessary and detracts from the tension.

The reveal of Harlan with a dagger against his throat is a surprising and dramatic moment, but the staging of the scene could be clearer. It's not entirely clear where Marta is in relation to Harlan and the couch, and the action of him drawing the dagger across his throat could be more fleshed out.

The moment where Marta wipes her tears and resolves to take action is a strong character beat, but her sudden bound down the stairs feels like a quick solution to get her out of the scene. More time could have been taken to show her physically leaving the house.

The scene then switches to the guard gate, and while the dialogue between the characters is clear and informative, the old technology in the guard house feels a bit cliche. The use of a grainy, smeared night vision view on the video tape is also a bit overdone and takes away from the realism of the scene.

Overall, the scene has strong moments of tension and surprise, but could benefit from clearer staging and less reliance on cliches.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more tension: The stakes of the scene are high, with Marta realizing that the security camera footage could incriminate her. You could build on this tension by adding more suspenseful music or using camera angles to show her unease.

2. Develop the characters: The audience needs to care about Marta and her situation. You could add more dialogue or backstory to help develop her character and make the audience root for her.

3. Explore the setting: The guard house and its outdated technology could be used to create atmosphere and help build tension. You could describe the room in more detail or have the characters interact with the old equipment.

4. Strengthen the dialogue: Some of the dialogue in the scene is repetitive or unclear. You could streamline the conversation and make sure the characters are clear in their questions and answers.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene moves quickly, with a lot of information being conveyed in a short amount of time. You could slow down the scene or break it up into smaller segments to allow the audience to absorb the information more fully.



Scene 20 -  Investigating the crime scene at the Thrombey Estate
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. WOODS - DAY

They all hack through the overgrown gardener's path.

TROOPER WAGNER
That wood elephant, it's a thing from
his book "The Ivory Blade."

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Amazing. Blanc the grounds are
lovely but you think what, someone
broke into the house? To kill
Harlan? Is that why we're out here?

BLANC
I think it's an unlikely but
fascinating possibility. And if they
did, there will be traces.

TROOPER WAGNER
I'll take that, thanks ma'am.

Marta hands Wagner the VHS tape. Then she discretely
pockets something she had held in her hand next to it - a
few of the bright fruit MAGNETS from Proofroc's fridge.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD

The group hikes up out of the woods, towards the low wall
with a small pedestrian gate that leads to the east lawn.

Marta is out in front. During the following, she notices
something: The earth around and under the gate is soft and
bare. And clear as day: HER FOOTPRINTS from the other
night, the only ones from women's shoes. The same ones she
has on now. Her breath catches. SHIT.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Any luck with the black sheep,
whatshisname?
62.


TROOPER WAGNER
Ransom. No, but we have an address.
Ten Oak street.

BLANC
Ten oak. That's a pleasant thing to
say. Ten oak. Tenoak.

TROOPER WAGNER
Ugh this mud, my boots are going to
stink.

BLANC
Mud - has it rained the past week?
No - Nobody move! Freeze! Everyone!
These footprints must not be
disturbed!
(sees)
Marta!

Marta has already walked through the pedestrian gate and up
onto the lawn, stepping in her pre-existing prints. She
turns back, playing dumb.

MARTA
What?

BLANC
Don't - stop there, don't -

MARTA
I can't hear you, what?

She trots back to them through the gate, stepping into her
returning prints.

BLANC
No no no nodon't - don't step on the,
ok, alright. Aughhhhh ok.

MARTA
What?

Blanc sidesteps up to the gate, not stepping in the mud.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Alright, Wagner let's get the boys on
it, check the prints, tape off this
area, keep it clear.

The dogs come running down the lawn, barking at the men.
They tear through the gate, further messing up the mud.
63.


BLANC
Wehell. She-it. Dogs.

MARTA
Hey boys, easy. Hey. Hey.

She pets them and they quiet down.

BLANC
Best judge of character is a dog.
I've found that to be true.

The dogs start BARKING and bolt towards the house, where
Richard and Linda are pulling up in their lux SUV.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
They're doing the will reading at
ten, whole family will be here soon.

Elliott heads up towards the house. Blanc meanders up the
lawn, and Marta follows.

MARTA
I've never been to a will reading.

BLANC
You think it'll be like a game show.
No. Imagine a community theater
performance of a tax return.

They approach the side of the house. Blanc does a gentle,
meandering study of the layout.

Marta steals a look at the trellis she climbed.

Oh no. A piece of the white lattice trellis that broke off
when she was climbing - about eight inches long - lies in
the grass beneath it. Her eyes dart up - yup, there's the
broken spot. Shit.

BLANC (cont'd)
SWEET BEANS

Marta starts - did he spot it? No - he's come face to face
with Greatnana, standing stock still on the porch. She
stares at him like a bird.

BLANC (cont'd)
Good morning Mrs. Thrombey.

He approaches her, slowly. When his back is fully turned
Marta takes her shot and KICKS the piece of trellis under
some thick bushes at the base of the house.
64.


Blanc and Greatnana stare at each other. Blanc gets very
close to her, great sympathy in his eyes. Greatnana stares
back. It's almost like they're communicating. This goes on
for a little too long. Then Blanc breaks from the trance,
and turns to Marta.

BLANC (cont'd)
Do you think you could handle the
study?
Genres: ["mystery","drama"]

Summary Blanc and his team investigate the area surrounding the estate for clues on Harlan's death. Marta realizes that her shoeprints from the night of Harlan's death were left behind and tries to cover it up. They also discuss Ransom's whereabouts and Blanc has a strange encounter with Greatnana.
Strengths "Tense atmosphere builds up as the investigation progresses. Intriguing plot development as the investigation reveals more clues. Character interactions feel realistic and well-acted."
Weaknesses "Dialogue could have been more engaging. The encounter with Greatnana felt dragged out and lacked payoff."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and moves the plot forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The opening action line "They all hack through the overgrown gardener's path" is a bit vague and doesn't provide much visual description. It would be better to specify what the surroundings look like, what kind of plants they are hacking through, how difficult it is, etc.
- The exchange between Blanc and Wagner about the wood elephant and Ivory Blade feels a little forced and contrived. It doesn't contribute much to the scene or the plot.
- Marta stealing the fruit magnets feels like it's included just for the sake of having a later payoff, rather than being an organic part of the scene. It could be fleshed out more or possibly removed.
- The dogs running down the lawn and barking feels like a sudden, random intrusion into the scene. It's not clear what purpose it serves or how it relates to the investigation.
- The exchange about the will reading being like a tax return is clever, but it could be tightened up and made punchier.

Overall, the scene does a good job of setting up the investigation and introducing the characters. There are just a few areas where the details could be tighter and more purposeful.
Suggestions There are a few ways this scene could be improved:

1. Add more action: There's a lot of dialogue in this scene with very little action. To make it more dynamic, consider adding more movement and physicality to the characters as they make their way through the woods and up to the estate.

2. Tighten the dialogue: While some of the conversation is necessary for exposition and plot development, some of it could be trimmed down for brevity. This will make the scene move more quickly and keep the audience engaged.

3. Work on pacing: The scene drags a bit in the middle, particularly when Blanc and Greatnana stare at each other for an extended period of time. Cutting down on this staring contest, and adding more action, will keep the scene moving at a brisker pace.

4. Add tension: While there is some tension in the scene, particularly when Marta sees her footprints leading up to the gate, there could be more. Consider adding moments of suspense or surprise to keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

5. Develop character relationships: The relationships between the characters could be further developed to make the scene more interesting. For example, there could be tension between Marta and Blanc, or a more complex dynamic between the troopers and the detectives.



Scene 21 -  Investigating the Night of Harlan's Death
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. HARLAN THROMBEY'S STUDY

The blood is now only a subtle dark stain, but other than
that the room has been left intact from the night of the
party. Marta and Wagner observe as Blanc paces the room.

BLANC
(to Marta)
Where's your medical bag?

MARTA
I... don't know - I left it here, I
always leave it with Harlan at night.

TROOPER WAGNER
They must have taken it in as
evidence. I'll check on it.

Blanc picks up the GO board and sets it on the table.
Examines its grid idly.

BLANC
How'd the GO board get knocked over?

MARTA
We were just goofing around.
(beat)
What are you thinking?

Blanc sighs gently, turns the baseball over in his hands.
Looks like this was a bust.

BLANC
I'm thinking about my cat. And the
2:20 train back to the city.

Blanc tips the GO board over, and it lands on the carpet
with a nearly inaudible WHOMPH. He stares at it.

But his concentration is broken by sharp barking outside.
They go to the tiny window and look out.
65.


A DASHING MAN in his early 30s climbs out of a vintage
Porsche. The dogs go NUTS, biting at his pant legs.

BLANC (cont'd)
Let me guess.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE

The man kicks off the dogs and limps toward the house,
cursing. Lieutenant Elliott and Office Wagner step out onto
the porch.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Hugh Drysdale?

RANSOM
Ransom. Call me Ransom, my middle
name. The help call me Hugh.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
I'm Lieutenant Elliott, this is
officer Wagner, we'd like to ask you
a few questions about the night of

RANSOM
Uh huh.

He blows past them and into the house.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Blanc, Marta, and Wagner investigate Harlan's study but find no evidence. Ransom arrives and is asked about the night of Harlan's death.
Strengths "The scene builds on the suspense of the investigation and adds new complications with Ransom's arrival."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat flat and there could be more emotional resonance with Marta's inner turmoil."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written with clear action and dialogue. However, there are a few areas that could use improvement. First, there isn't a clear goal or conflict in the scene. Blanc is simply examining the room and asking about a missing bag. Adding a stronger objective for the characters would make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Secondly, there could be more visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting. For example, describing the layout of the room or the weather outside would help build the world of the film.

Lastly, the dialogue between Ransom and the officers feels rushed and lacks tension. Building up their confrontation with more back-and-forth could heighten the stakes of the scene.

Overall, the scene is solid but could benefit from stronger goals, more detailed descriptions, and deeper character interactions.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: It's not clear why Blanc is looking for Marta's medical bag or what he hopes to find. Adding a line about why it's important could help increase tension and raise the stakes.

2. Add more conflict: The conversation between the characters feels a bit flat. Adding some tension or a disagreement between them could make the scene more dynamic.

3. Increase the pacing: The scene feels a bit slow and could benefit from tighter editing or more urgency in the characters' actions. Cutting out any unnecessary dialogue or adding more action could help speed up the pace.

4. Add more visual elements: The scene mostly consists of dialogue, which can make it feel stagnant. Adding more visual elements, such as close-ups on the characters' faces, shots of the GO board, or even flashbacks to the night of the party, could help make the scene more interesting to watch.

5. Foreshadow future events: The introduction of Ransom feels a bit random, but incorporating some foreshadowing of his importance to the plot could make his arrival more impactful. For example, if Blanc had mentioned him before or if his name had come up in earlier scenes, his arrival would have more significance.



Scene 22 -  Family Tension
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIVING ROOM

Walt, Donna and Jacob (nose in his phone) sit around the
room. Linda and Richard stand, on their phones. Ransom
breezes in, bumping Donna who YELPS, startled.

Elliott and Wagner follow.

TROOPER WAGNER
Sir excuse me, we are officers of the
law.

RANSOM
You gonna run me in? I don't feel
like talking. I'm distraught.

Ransom disappears into the kitchen, comes out eating a
sleeve of pinwheel cookies.

Blanc and Marta slip in. Elliott nods to Blanc.
66.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Blanc, anything you need to ask him?

RANSOM
The hell anyway is this arrangement?

BLANC
Mr. Drysdale

Ransom sizes up Blanc with a grin.

RANSOM
CSI KFC?

Ransom grabs Fran the housekeeper's sleeve as she walks by.

RANSOM (cont'd)
Hey Frannie can you get me a glass of
cold milk?

Meg and Joni have just entered, and Meg heard this.

MEG
Hey asshole. Not her name, not her
job.

Fran walks off with a scorching look at Ransom.

RANSOM
Meg. How's your LUG degree coming?

MEG JONI
Trust fund prick. Alright. Guys.

ALAN STEVENS, the family's attorney, knocks and enters with
an assistant, SALLY, who juggles several attache cases.

ALAN
Hey everyone. Hey. I'm just going
to set up in the other room, be ready
in ten minutes.

They go off to the library, leaving the family all together
in tense silence.

WALT
Funny Ransom, you skipped the funeral
but you're early for the will
reading.

JONI
Ok, people grieve in different ways,
let's not
67.


WALT
(to Ransom)
It's funny you're here at all. Why
are you even bothering, that's what I
want to know.

RICHARD
What's that supposed to mean?

WALT
He knows what it means.

RANSOM
Look at you Walt, you're so excited
about this.

LINDA
Walt, what?

WALT
Jacob was in that bathroom the night
of the party.

JONI
Is that where you were all night?

RICHARD
The hell were you doing in the
bathroom all night?

JACOB
Nothing.

MEG
Swatting Syrian refugees.

JACOB
No.

MEG
Alt right troll.

WALT
I don't know what any of that means

RICHARD
It means your son's a little creep.

WALT
Oh MY son's a creep?

JONI
Guys! Walt he was in the bathroom...
68.


WALT
He was in the bathroom

RICHARD
Joylessly masturbating to pictures of
dead deer.

WALT
Ok you wanna go?

They go at each other and do some half-hearted slap-fighting
before Linda and Joni break them apart. Ransom's loving
this.

RANSOM
We gotta do this more often.

LINDA
Alright! Enough. Jacob, we get
where this is going. The bathroom's
next to Harlan's office, where he had
the big fight with Ransom. You heard
something. Spill it.

JACOB
I just heard two things.


INT. HALF BATH - NIGHT OF PARTY - FLASHBACK

Jacob on the toilet, hearing non distinct yelling through a
vent high in the wall. But two words poke through:

HARLAN (O.S.)
...my will!
Genres: ["Mystery","Family Drama"]

Summary The family gathers for the reading of Harlan's will and tensions rise, with accusations and fights breaking out. Jacob reveals that he overheard a fight between Harlan and Ransom on the night of his death.
Strengths "The tense family dynamic is well-established through dialogue and actions. The introduction of new characters adds complexity and tension. The revelation of Jacob overhearing the fight provides a crucial plot development."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times. Some characters lack clear motivation or backstory."
Critique Overall, the scene has a lot of dialogue and quick banter, which gives it a fast-paced energy. However, some of the dialogue comes across as a bit forced and unnatural, particularly in the beginning when the characters are all on their phones. It doesn't really add anything to the scene and feels like filler.

There is a lack of visual description, which makes it a bit difficult to imagine the scene and where the characters are physically in relation to each other.

The introduction of new characters could be smoother and more clear. It's not entirely clear who Ransom, Elliott, Wagner, Blanc, Marta, and Alan Stevens are or what their roles are in this scene.

The dialogue between the family members is a bit on-the-nose and could be more subtle in hinting at the tensions and secrets in the family dynamic.

Overall, there are some elements that need improvement, particularly in terms of visual description and organic character introductions. The dialogue could be more subtle and nuanced, but the fast-paced energy is effective in keeping the scene engaging.
Suggestions First, it would be helpful to have a brief description of the main conflict or purpose of this scene. Without knowing the context of the story and how this scene fits into the overall plot, it's difficult to make concrete suggestions. However, based solely on the dialogue and character interactions, here are some general observations and ideas:

- The scene begins with several characters on their phones, which feels stagnant and uninteresting. Consider adding some movement or activity to make the scene visually dynamic.
- Ransom's entrance feels abrupt and out of nowhere. It might help to establish his presence earlier in the scene, or hint at his impending arrival.
- Some of the dialogue between characters, particularly the insults and accusations, feels forced and melodramatic. Consider toning down the emotions and focusing on clear, concise dialogue that advances the story.
- There are a lot of characters in this scene, which can be overwhelming for the reader and viewer. Consider cutting down on the number of characters or finding ways to distinguish them more clearly.
- The reveal of what Jacob heard in the flashback could be more dramatic or suspenseful. Consider building up to the moment more effectively, or finding a way to make the significance of his observation clearer.



Scene 23 -  The Will Reading
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM

JACOB
And then there was more shouting, but
I also heard Ransom say "I'm warning
you."

Walt raises his arms, triumphant.

LINDA
Ransom? What's this mean?

He just eats cookies, silent.
69.


WALT
It means dad finally came to his
senses and cut this worthless lazy
brat out of the will.
(to Ransom)
And you better sell your little
Porsche and you better give your
notice at that country club and kick
whatever fashion drugs you're on
cause if you think after the bridges
you've burned, the shit you've said
and what you've put this family
through for the past ten years that
any of us are going to support you,
are going to give you like dad used
to say a single red dime you're nuts.

Ransom looks around the room. Cold faces.

RICHARD
Son.

RANSOM
(mock gravity)
Father?

RICHARD
Did Harlan tell you he was cutting
you out of the will?

RANSOM
Yes.

RICHARD
Then he's done what we weren't strong
enough to do - this might finally
make you grow up.

Ransom is really slapped by this but he doesn't let it show.

LINDA
I think it might be the best thing
that could happen to you.

RANSOM
Thanks - my mother, folks.

JONI
It won't be easy for you but it'll be
good. Most good things aren't easy.
70.


RANSOM MEG
Up your ass Joni, you've got
your teeth bit into this Oh 'up your ass' very nice
family tit so hard you homophobic privileged
little vampire

RANSOM
(going down the line)
Up your ass, up your ass, up your
ass, up your ass

And now everyone is shouting at each other.

Blanc has heard enough. He sets the baseball down on a side
table, and drifts out. Marta follows him.


EXT. FRONT PORCH

Blanc breathes in the air. Marta joins him. From inside
the house, the shouting continues.

MARTA
What was that about will readings
being boring?

BLANC
Exception that proves the rule.

Fran bursts out of the living room, muttering

FRAN
Asshole.

She storms off around the house. A beat of thought. Then:

BLANC
I'm warning you. Ransom said. I'm
warning you.

One of the dogs bounds up the steps to Blanc.

MARTA
You heard Ransom in there, it's the
kind of thing he says. Are you still
going to catch that 2:20?

When Blanc goes to pet him, the dog drops something to his
feet with a clatter. Marta freezes.
71.


MARTA (cont'd)
What's he got there? Hey boy. You
find a stick? He's always bringing
junk into the house -

It's the piece of broken trellis. Blanc picks it up,
examines it, and suddenly his eyes go sharp.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD

Holding the piece up as he studies the trellis that runs up
the side of the house. Marta runs up beside him.

BLANC
This looks like a relatively fresh
break - yes. Right there.

He's spotted the broken spot on the trellis. Just up from
it, what looks like a boarded window.

BLANC (cont'd)
Wait - that doesn't make sense,
where's that window?


INT. LIVING ROOM

The whole family in a screaming match, but Blanc and Marta
walk through and up the stairs. Three people notice:
Elliott and Wagner (who follow) and Ransom (who doesn't.)
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary The family gathers after Harlan's death for the reading of the will. Jacob reveals he overheard a fight between Ransom and Harlan on the night of his death. Harsh accusations and insults are exchanged, and Ransom discovers that he has been cut out of the will. Meanwhile, Blanc and his team investigate the Thrombey estate and stumble upon a fresh break in the trellis, leading to a boarded-up window.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between the characters keep the audience engaged and interested in the plot. The revelation of Jacob's testimony adds a significant plot development."
Weaknesses "The scene includes a lot of yelling, which can be overwhelming and distracting from the dialogue. Some of the insults exchanged feel forced and unrealistic."
Critique The scene starts with Jacob recounting events to the family, but there is a lack of context and background information that makes it difficult for the audience to fully grasp the situation. The dialogue between the family members is chaotic and unfocused, making it hard to follow who is saying what to whom. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced, such as Linda's sudden question about Ransom.

The scene does, however, foreshadow Blanc's interest in the broken trellis and its potential significance in the investigation. The moment when Blanc picks up the broken piece and examines it adds suspense and intrigue to the story.

Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer context and stronger dialogue that better conveys the tensions and conflicts between the family members. It also would benefit from clearer direction and staging that emphasizes Blanc's interest in the broken trellis.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene lacks clear action and is predominantly dialogue-driven, which can make it less engaging for the audience. In order to make the scene more dynamic, action and movement need to be incorporated into the characters' interactions. This could include gestures, facial expressions, and body language.

Secondly, the dialogue needs to be tightened up, as it feels repetitive and overly long. The characters' arguments need to be more distinct and focused, with each character having a clearly defined objective in the scene. This will make each character's point of view and motivations clearer to the audience.

Thirdly, the scene could benefit from more subtext, as the characters' words and actions often feel on the surface level without any deeper meaning or ramifications. By adding more subtext, the scene will have more layers and intrigue for the audience to unravel.

Lastly, the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. This could be achieved through the use of props and visual cues to help convey the characters' emotions and intentions. For example, using close-ups of the characters' faces or objects in the room to help convey the tension and conflict in the scene.



Scene 24 -  The Trick Window
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING

Blanc looks down the "dead end" hallway. Marta joins him,
out of breath.

BLANC
Show me, but don't step on the
carpet.

It's a runner rug, and Marta delicately steps on the wood
siding as she goes to the wall with the painting. And swings
it open, revealing the window.

TROOPER WAGNER
It's the trick window! From "A Kill
For All Seasons!"

Elliott and Wagner at the top of the stairs, and Blanc
motions them not to approach.
72.


BLANC
Off the carpet!

He drops down to his knees, removes a loupe from his jacket,
and holds it in his eye. Then, his face inches from the
carpet, he scans it. All the way to the window. Then
stops.

BLANC (cont'd)
Traces of dried mud. I suspect they
go the length of the hallway.

MARTA
Footprints?

BLANC
No, just traces.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Depending on when it was last
cleaned, it could be from anytime

BLANC
But that would not explain this.

He motions to the base of the window sill - obvious scuffs
of dried mud. Marta winces.

Blanc tosses the piece of trellis to Elliott.

BLANC (cont'd)
Analyze this mud. It will match these
traces, and you will find similar
samples leading up the trellis on the
side of the house.
(beat)
On the night of the party, somebody
who did not want to be heard climbing
the steps went to a great deal of
trouble to break into Harlan
Thrombey's rooms. I think I'll miss
that train after all.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Crime"]

Summary Blanc and his team investigate the Thrombey estate and discover evidence of a break-in. Blanc realizes that someone went to great lengths to break into Harlan's room on the night of his death.
Strengths "The scene builds suspense and moves the plot forward by revealing significant evidence. The characters are successful in their investigation and use their skills to analyze the situation."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat technical and may be difficult for some viewers to follow. There is little emotional impact in the scene."
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and moves the story forward. It effectively reveals important information about the investigation and the characters involved. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the description of the setting is vague and could benefit from more sensory details to fully immerse the reader. Additionally, it is not clear what the characters are feeling or thinking in this moment, which would help to create a more emotional connection with the audience.

Secondly, the dialogue could be improved by making it more realistic and authentic to how people actually speak. Some of the lines feel a bit contrived, such as Trooper Wagner's exclamation about the trick window. It is always important for dialogue to sound natural and believable.

Finally, the pacing of this scene could be tightened up to increase the tension and suspense. There is some repetition in the dialogue, which could be trimmed to keep the scene moving more quickly.

Overall, this scene is effective in conveying information and moving the story forward, but could benefit from more attention to detail and realism in the writing.
Suggestions The scene has good tension, but it could be improved by adding some more visual cues and character depth. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more details to the setting: The third-floor landing is an important location in the scene, but the description could be improved to make it more vivid. For instance, you could describe the lighting, the decor, and the mood of the surroundings. This will help the audience to visualize the scene better and engage with it emotionally.

2. Develop the characters' personalities: Blanc, Marta, and the troopers have distinct roles in the story, but they could be fleshed out more by giving them unique quirks and mannerisms. For example, Blanc could have a habit of talking to himself, Marta could be wary of breaking rules, and the troopers could have a friendly rivalry. These small touches will make the characters more memorable and relatable.

3. Build suspense with dialogue: The dialogue in this scene is functional, but it could be elevated by adding more mystery and intrigue. For instance, instead of directly pointing out the dried mud and scuffs, Blanc could make cryptic comments that hint at foul play. This will make the audience more curious about what happened and increase the stakes of the investigation.

4. Use body language to convey emotions: In this scene, the characters' emotions are mostly conveyed through dialogue. However, you could add more non-verbal cues to show how they're feeling. For example, when Blanc discovers the dried mud, he could tense up and narrow his eyes, showing that he's onto something. Marta could fidget nervously, indicating that she's worried about being caught breaking the rules. These little touches will make the scene more dynamic and impactful.

By incorporating these suggestions, the scene will become more immersive and engaging, and leave a lasting impression on the audience.



Scene 25 -  Reading of the Will
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIBRARY - MINUTES LATER

The whole family assembled. Marta stands in the back, with
Blanc, Elliott and Trooper Wagner.

Alan Stevens, Harlan's attorney, sits at a table with papers
in front of him, assistant Sally beside him.
73.


ALAN
Well. Thank you all for getting
together like this, it isn't legally
necessary but I thought because
you're all in town and some of you
are leaving soon, it would be best -

BLANC
Excuse me Mr. Stevens. As to that,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
gently request you all remain in town
until the investigation is completed.
Shouldn't be more than two days.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
He's gently requesting, I'm ordering.
Thank you.

Nobody likes this.

LINDA
What?

JONI
Can we ask why? Has something
changed?

BLANC
No.

JONI
No it hasn't changed or no we can't
ask?

BLANC
Mr. Stevens, please continue.

ALAN
Right. Well the other reason I
thought this gathering would be, uh,
beneficial is that as I told Walt,
Harlan altered his will one week ago.
He sealed it and asked me not to
submit it to the courts for probate
until after his death. So in case
there's any confusion about anything
we're all together, we can talk. I
can't imagine any of it will be that
complicated, Harlan's assets included
um

SALLY
...the house
74.


ALAN
the house which he owned outright, um

SALLY
sixty million

ALAN
right in various cash accounts and
investments, yes and of course the
real assets are sole ownership of um

SALLY
Blood Like Wine

ALAN
Blood Like Wine publishing, his
publishing company. Ok.

Walt's wife puts her hand on his knee. He squeezes it,
smiled tightly.

ALAN (cont'd)
Um, he did write up a statement when
he made the recent changes, he wanted
it read first, so:
(reads)
"Some of you may be surprised by the
choice I've made here. No pleasure
was taken in the exclusion, and its
purpose was not to sow greater
discord in the family, quite the
opposite. Please accept it with
grace and without bitterness. But do
accept it. It's for the best."

Gently condescending eyes shift to Ransom. Linda sees this,
puts her hand on her son's hand, and he immediately gets up
and moves to a chair in the corner.

Alan's assistant hands him an envelope and he removes a
single sheet of paper with one short typed paragraph.

ALAN (cont'd)
Ok. So - oh wow, yeah, not complex
at all. This'll be quick. "I Harlan
Thrombey, being of sound mind and
body, yada yada, my assets both
liquid and otherwise, I leave in
their entirety to Marta Cabrera. My
entire ownership of Blood Like Wine
publishing I leave in its entirety to
Marta Cabrera.
(MORE)
75.

ALAN (cont'd)
The copyright of its catalog
likewise I leave in its entirety to
Marta Cabrera.

The air around Marta's head goes away. The room spins
She's not sure what's happening. Blanc is looking at her.
The whole family is looking at her.

Walt bursts out of his chair and grabs the will

WALT
No.

LINDA
No.

WALT
No. What?
(beat)
That can't be - that can't be right

RICHARD WALT
What the genuine shit That can't be right it's
right

ALAN
It's right

Donna begins to hyperventilate. She puts her head between
her knees, breathes deep.

LINDA
No no no no Alan this can't be legal,
there are, we're his family

WALT RICHARD
We're his family, Alan he
obviously wasn't,
something - I don't know
what but something wasn't Are there safeguards against
right here this?

And from the back of the room, slowly rising above the din
of confusion and cursing, slowly drawing even Marta's deer
in the headlights attention... Ransom. LAUGHING. Loud and
weirdly sincerely, tears down his cheeks, laughing his head
off.

JONI
Alan there's a mistake
76.


MEG JONI
Mom if it's what granddad No this is a mistake, this
wanted is ours.

LINDA
Alan take that piece of paper and
shove it up your ass and get out.
And you cops, out!

They don't but Ransom slips out, his child-like laughter
trailing after him.

RICHARD
Linda -

LINDA
No, we need to talk and we need to
fight this thing and we're not going
anywhere. GET OUT! We're the
Thrombeys goddammit! This is still
our house!

A beat of silence. Then all eyes go to Alan. Who looks
down at the will. His assistant Sally points helpfully.

ALAN
Sorry, there's, uh. "Likewise the
house at two Deerborn Drive and all
belongings therein I leave to Marta
Cabrera.

Linda goes for Marta.

LINDA
You little bitch. Did you know about
this? What did you do to him to make
this happen, were you two what were
you boinking my father?

Marta recoils, stumbles back.

MEG
'Boinking?'

RICHARD
Linda!

JACOB WALT
Anchor baby. Marta! Jacob! And Linda -
please!
77.


JONI
Linda please - Marta, you need to
tell us though,

WALT JONI
Yes Marta, did dad discuss You need to tell us
this with you? everything you know about
this and we need to talk
about this,

WALT RICHARD
This isn't what dad wanted, Jesus don't mob the girl,
this isn't fair but we can let's talk about this
work this out

The whole family is coming towards her like zombies. Blanc
takes her by the arm and steers her towards the door.

BLANC
I think heads have to cool a little,
and in the meanwhile I'd maybe run.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary The family is gathered for the reading of Harlan's will where he leaves everything to Marta. The family erupts in fury, throwing accusations and insults at Marta and refusing to leave the property. Meanwhile, Blanc and his team discover evidence of a break-in leading to Harlan's room on the night of his death.
Strengths
  • Tense tone
  • Reveals key plot details
Weaknesses
  • Character reactions to Marta are excessive and over-the-top.
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively advances the plot, reveals important information, and creates tension among the characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved from a screenwriting perspective.

Firstly, the formatting could be cleaned up. Some of the lines are wrapped in odd places, and it's unclear why certain lines are in all caps or italics. It would also be helpful to give the characters more specific actions or gestures to accompany their dialogue, to indicate their emotions and reactions more clearly.

Secondly, some of the character motivations could be better defined. For example, it's not entirely clear why Ransom is laughing or why Linda immediately accuses Marta of sleeping with her father. Adding more context and backstory to these relationships would make the scene more compelling.

Lastly, the ending feels abrupt. Blanc's suggestion that Marta should run feels a bit random and unfinished, and it's unclear why he is suddenly taking her side. Adding a bit more context or dialogue to this moment would give it a stronger sense of closure.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene with a lot of potential if given some additional polish.
Suggestions The scene is engaging and full of conflict, but it could benefit from some visual and sensory details to enhance the tension. Instead of just having characters speak, consider adding more physical reactions, shifts in body language, and visuals to bring the scene to life.

For example, when Marta hears that she's the sole inheritor, you could describe her physical reaction, showing her body language and facial expression. You could also describe the reactions of the other family members, including their facial expressions, movements, and postures.

Additionally, consider adding some sensory details. For example, describe the sound of Ransom's laughter, or the way that Marta's heart is racing in her chest. These details will help to make the scene more immersive and visceral for the audience.

Finally, consider pacing the scene more effectively by varying the dialogue and action. Try to create moments of stillness and silence, followed by bursts of dialogue and movement. This will help to keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.



Scene 26 -  The Will Reading and Break-In
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE

Marta stumbles out of the house in a daze. Behind her, the
entirety of the family floods out after her, shouting
reassurances and questions and accusations and a general din
of confusion.

MARTA
I - I have no idea why he - I just
need to think - I'll call you or have
him call me or do something I don't
know

She gets in her car and slams the door, and it's instantly
like A Hard Day's Night - the family gathered around trying
to talk through the window and rapping to get her attention.

Marta keys the ignition - chug chug chug. Nothing. Oh god,
not now - chug chug chug. It won't turn over.

Richard opens the door, she pulls it closed again and locks
it, this is like a horror movie. Blanc is trying to get the
family to back off but no dice.

Marta puts her head in her hands, all of it swirling and
echoing and horrifying, she has no idea what to do.

HONK!
78.


She turns - a honking car pulls up right beside her and
through the family crowd she sees Ransom in his Porsche,
waving "get in." With no other options she pushes out of
her car and through the family and JUMPS IN with him.

As he GUNS IT and careens out of the driveway he shouts back
at the family with a wave

RANSOM
I think this could be the best thing
to happen to all of you!

And they're gone. The family keeps shouting at each other.

Blanc watches the Porsche recede, his expression unreadable.
DING! His phone buzzing. He checks it. His expression
darkens.


INT. RANSOM'S PORSCHE

Tearing down the private road, away from the house. He's
still laughing, she's still shell shocked. Slowly, his
laughter eases to a stop. A moment of silence.

RANSOM
Ok seriously though, what the hell?

She shakes her head, looks at him. What the hell indeed.


INT. LINDA'S ROOM

Linda stands in her childhood room, by the window in the
ebbing light. From a shelf she pulls a stack of PINK
NOTECARDS, identical to the one Harlan showed Richard in his
office. But these are covered in writing, sweet little
notes, a father to his daughter.

She looks up. Walt in the doorway. She wipes her eyes,
indicates the notes.

LINDA
I was just thinking about Dad's
games. This all feels like one, it
feels like something he'd write, not
do. I keep waiting for a big reveal,
where it all makes sense. How nice
would that be?

Her little brother hugs her. His eyes tired and dark.
79.


INT. SMALL STUDY

Joni alone, head in her hands, crying.

BLANC
You were very much counting on that
inheritance weren't you?

Blanc standing in the doorway.

JONI
What did you say?

BLANC
I don't think anyone in the family
would do anything truly dark unless
they were in a place of desperation.
Now I know that Harlan cut you off,
money-wise, but that would not make
you desperate. You have your
business, you have your image, your
Flam.

JONI
Uh huh.

BLANC
But you see, I ordered some of your
featured product. The snail jelly
moisturizer, tried it out. I have
delicate skin, you can probably tell,
and I got a hell of a rash. So I
googled two words: Flam and rash.
And what did I find? Beauty product
message boards, pages and pages of
complaints, warnings, rashes. So I
did a little more digging. Flam has
been broke for years. You've kept
your lifestyle up and the company
afloat with the money you were
skimming from Harlan. And you would
have been fine with the inheritance.
But now it's all going to come
crashing down.

Joni's face has become hard and cold.

JONI
And what's your goddamn point?

BLANC
Just fair warning. When good people
get desperate, the knives come out.
(MORE)
80.

BLANC (cont'd)
I hope you haven't, and I pray you
won't, do anything rash.

He leaves her alone in the dimming evening light.


EXT. ROADSIDE FAMILY RESTAURANT - LATER

The Porsche parked out front.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The family gathers for the reading of Harlan's will, tensions rise, accusations are thrown, and Marta is unable to leave the estate due to car trouble. She is rescued by Ransom, who takes her away in his car. Meanwhile, Blanc and his team investigate the estate and discover evidence of a break-in leading to Harlan's room on the night of his death.
Strengths "Tension and drama are high in this scene, and the plot continues to thicken with evidence of foul play. The character development and arcs are significant."
Weaknesses "Dialogue and character actions can at times feel heavy-handed and over-exaggerated, and the departure of Marta with Ransom feels sudden."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written, moving the plot forward and showcasing the different reactions of the characters to the events that have just taken place. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, there is a lot of repetition in the dialogue. Marta says "I don't know" twice in quick succession, and Ransom repeats "what the hell" at the end of his dialogue. This could be streamlined to make the dialogue flow more smoothly.

Additionally, there could be more visual descriptions and action. For example, when Marta jumps into Ransom's car, it would be more effective to show her physically pushing through the crowd of family members, rather than just saying "she pushes out of her car and through the family." This would give more of a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.

Finally, the ending of the scene feels a bit abrupt. There could be more of a transition between Joni's confrontation with Blanc and the final shot of the Porsche parked outside the restaurant. Some sort of visual or auditory link between the two scenes would help to tie them together more effectively.

Overall, while the scene is effective in moving the story forward, there is room for improvement in terms of dialogue, action, and pacing.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the stakes: It would be helpful to clarify why Marta is so frazzled and why it's such a big deal that Ransom is taking her away in his car. Is it because the family is suspicious of her and she's afraid she may have done something wrong? Is she worried they'll harm her? This would make the scene all the more tense and the audience more invested in her story.

2. Build tension: The scene feels a bit rushed, almost like a summary of events. As a screenwriter, it would be helpful to build more tension and conflict in the scene. One way to do this would be to emphasize the chaos and confusion witnessed by the family as they swarm around Marta. This would create a sense of urgency and heighten the stakes.

3. Focusing the scene: The scene seems to shift between Marta's situation and several characters from the family. To improve the scene, it would be more effective if the focus remained fixed on Marta throughout. This allows the audience to sympathize more with her and to stay invested in her journey.

4. Remove distractions: Several sequences mentioned in the script seem extraneous and detract from the scene's impact. For example, the scene with Linda in her room and Joni crying in the study don't seem to add much to the story other than padding out the run time. Instead, it would be more efficient to focus on Marta's predicament, making every moment count, and heightening the overall tension.

5. Character development: While some characters, such as Ransom and Blanc, are fleshed out, others like Marta could benefit from more character development in the scene. This would make the audience care more about her situation and make the outcome more meaningful.



Scene 27 -  The Truth Comes Out
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. RESTAURANT - CORNER BOOTH

Tucked into a dark corner, Marta is miserable. Ransom is
bemused, but regards her closely.

They sit in silence. A waitress sets a sausage plate down.

RANSOM
(to the waitress)
Could we get an extra bowl please?
(to Marta)
You look like you're gonna pass out.
Have you eaten all day? Eat.

She joylessly shovels food in her mouth, starving.

MARTA
This is a nightmare.

RANSOM
Uh huh. So why.

MARTA
Why

RANSOM
Why. Did he leave you everything.

MARTA
Are you asking if we were screwing?

RANSOM
(angry, no)
Hey.
(then)
I know my granddad. That wasn't him.
But this is everything, there must
have been a bigger why and you know
it.
81.


MARTA
Well Ransom how about it had more to
do with you guys than with me.

RANSOM
(agrees)
Yeah.
(beat)
Yeah that's the only thing that makes
sense. In which case this was a
really shitty thing for him to do to
you.

Marta is unexpectedly effected by this. The waitress
breezes by, sets an empty bowl on the table.

MARTA
Did he tell you anything?

RANSOM
Just I wasn't getting a cent.

MARTA RANSOM
He wanted you to build
something from the ground something from the ground
up, like your parents up, like my parents

RANSOM (cont'd)
yeah. My mom built her business from
the ground up with a million dollar
loan from granddad. My dad owns none
of it, and mom made him sign a
prenup. He lives in fear.
I know that's what grandad wanted to
protect me from by doing this, and I
know I shouldn't say this out loud
but when he told me, Jesus Christ I
coulda killed him.
(beat)
After I left the party, though. I
was driving fast, nowhere, just in
the night. And I got this weird...
clarity. That from here on I was
going to have to do for myself. And
that felt... good. The old bastard.
(beat)
Marta I know three things. One: I
know he didn't commit suicide.

MARTA
What makes you think that
82.


RANSOM
I don't think it. I know it. Cause
I knew my granddad. So you're not
going to bullshit me. Because two:
I know lying makes you puke. Cause
of that mafia game last fourth of
July.

Marta sinks back, suddenly nervous.

RANSOM (cont'd)
And three. I know that you just ate
a full plate of sausage and baked
beans.

She looks down at her empty plate. Oh no. He pushes the
large empty bowl in front of her.

RANSOM (cont'd)
So look me in the eye. And tell me
what really happened to my granddad.

Her lip quivers. She looks like she might attempt it. But
then tears drop from her eyes.

MARTA
You bastard. Please don't turn me in.

Ransom pull the bowl away, and puts his hand on hers.

RANSOM
Marta. Tell me everything.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE - EVENING

Dusk settles heavy. Warm light from the windows.

WALT (O.S.)
There have to be options here.

ALAN (O.S.)
No. I don't know how many times I
can repeat the same two simple pieces
of information.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Ransom takes Marta to a restaurant to ask her about Harlan's death, discovering she is the one who inherited everything. Meanwhile, the investigation continues at the Thrombey estate.
Strengths "The scene solidifies Marta as a key player and reveals Ransom's true nature. The tension and conflict are high, and the dialogue is engaging."
Weaknesses "Some of the character motivations could be clearer, and the emotional impact could be stronger."
Critique Overall, the scene appears well-written. The dialogue is natural, and the characters have unique voices that make them distinct from one another. The scene also creates tension and suspense, as the audience is left wondering what Marta did to Ransom's grandfather and whether she will reveal the truth.

However, some potential areas for improvement could be the lack of description of the characters and setting. There is very little information provided about Marta and Ransom's physical appearances or emotions beyond what they say. Additionally, there is no description of the restaurant or the atmosphere/tone of the scene.

Another potential area for improvement could be the pacing of the dialogue. While the back-and-forth between Marta and Ransom is engaging, it could benefit from some variation to prevent the scene from feeling too repetitive or stagnant.

Overall, the scene appears solid but could benefit from more attention to physical description and pacing.
Suggestions The scene could be improved by adding more tension and conflict to the interaction between Marta and Ransom. Perhaps Marta could be more guarded with her answers, causing Ransom to become more aggressive in his questioning. The dialogue could also be tightened to make it more impactful and efficient. Additionally, adding more sensory details and visual cues could help paint a clearer picture of the environment and characters' emotions. For example, describing Marta's physical demeanor, like the way she nervously taps her foot under the table or the way Ransom's eyes narrow in suspicion, could enhance the scene and make it feel more visceral.



Scene 28 -  The Will Reading
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Lit by a fire in the fireplace, the whole family pacing
around, Alan the lawyer looking very tired seated at a table
in the center of the room.
83.


ALAN
If Harlan was of sound mind when he
made the changes, and we've all
confirmed he was

RICHARD LINDA
Would a sound person do The very action speaks to
this! Sound how? unsoundness!

ALAN
not legally no, you not liking what
they did does not speak to
testamentary capacity.

JACOB
What about undue influence?

WALT
Yes! Undue influence!

ALAN
(weary)
Did you just google that?

WALT
If Marta was manipulating dad
somehow, if we found out that she had

LINDA WALT
Gotten her hooks into him Somehow or something

ALAN
You need a strong case for that.
You've got nothing. "She endeared
herself to him through hard work and
good humor" won't cut the salami.

JONI
What about the slayer rule?

All eyes turn to her. Her face is lit by her phone.

JONI (cont'd)
I did just google that.

ALAN
The slayer rule obviously does not
apply here.

RICHARD
What the hell is the slayer rule?
84.


JONI
It's if someone is convicted of
killing the person they can't get
their inheritance.

ALAN
Not even convicted, even if they're
held responsible for their death in
civil court

WALT ALAN
Like OJ Like OJ, yes. But Harlan
committed suicide.

All eyes turn to Blanc, who this whole time has been sitting
in a chair by the fire, lost in thought.

JONI
Detective Blank. You said that the
investigation is continuing. You
made a point of that. Do you suspect
foul play?

BLANC
Mister Blanc. If you please.
(beat)
There is much that is still unclear.
But yes. I suspect foul play.

The eruption you would expect breaks out.

RICHARD
Meaning Marta?

BLANC
I have eliminated no suspects.

RICHARD
Ok you're full of shit, I don't trust
this guy with his tan suit, and Alan
god bless you you're useless.

ALAN
Thank you.

Alan takes that as an excuse to leave.

RICHARD
There's one answer to this: she can
renounce the inheritance.
85.


WALT LINDA
She knows it's what she
should do, it's the right We've gotta make her do the
thing to do. right thing.

Meg rounds on her mom, speaks quietly, in tears.

MEG
Mom. If Granddad wanted Marta to
have everything, that's what he
wanted.

JONI
No, this was not him. He loved us,
he wanted us taken care of. He
wanted you to have an education.
Meg. You think I can pay for your
school?

This leaves Meg shaken.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The Thrombey family gathers for the reading of Harlan's will. Tensions rise and accusations are thrown towards Marta. The family learns of the possibility of foul play in Harlan's death.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between the family members create an engaging scene. The revelation of foul play adds a layer of mystery to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue can be a bit wordy and confusing at times."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue flows naturally, and the characters have distinct personalities and motivations. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the scene is quite long and could benefit from some trimming. Some of the dialogue, such as Joni explaining the slayer rule, feels unnecessary and could be cut without losing any important information. Additionally, the scene could benefit from some more physical action or movement, as there is a lot of talking and not much visual interest.

Another area that could be improved is the character development of Marta. She is a central figure in the scene, but we don't get much insight into her personality or motivations. Adding some hints or clues about her character would make her a more dynamic and interesting figure.

Overall, this scene is well-crafted and engaging, with strong dialogue and character interactions. With a few tweaks, it could be made even stronger.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Make the dialogue more concise: There's a lot of talking going on in this scene, and some of it could be trimmed down to make it more efficient. Consider cutting out some of the repetitive statements and rewording some of the longer lines to be more concise.

2. Break up the pacing: Right now, the whole family is pacing around the room, which can feel a bit static. Consider having them sit down at different points in the scene to break up the visual monotony.

3. Give Blanc more to do: Blanc is introduced in this scene, and while he does provide some important information, he doesn't do much else. Consider giving him more of an active role in the scene, either through dialogue or through action.

4. Focus on character dynamics: There are a lot of characters in this scene, and it can be hard to keep track of all their relationships. Consider focusing on the dynamics between a smaller group of characters to make the scene more focused and emotionally resonant.



Scene 29 -  Ransom's Offer
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Beer bottles now stacked up in front of Ransom. Marta has
just told Ransom everything. He stares into space, and
makes the slightest hint of a laugh which I'll write as:

RANSOM
Heuh.

MARTA
I know, just saying it it sounds
insane but it's all true. I think
Blanc's been on to me from the
start - I don't care if I go to jail,
but my mom... my sister, we can't -

Nothing but silence from Ransom. Maybe he's deep in
thought. A strange glint in his eye.

MARTA (cont'd)
Why are you looking like that?
(beat)
Ransom?

RANSOM
I always thought I was the only one
who could beat Granddad at GO. I
always thought that meant something.

MARTA
I know you did.
86.


RANSOM
At the party, that night, my last
conversation with him, our last
fight, that's what he told me, about
you. That you beat him nearly every
time. More than me. And I thought
what a strange thing to tell me. But
I think I get it now. I think it did
mean something.
(beat)
I'm not telling the family shit.
You're not going to jail. That
detective is not going to catch you.
And you're not giving up the family
fortune. Think about what Granddad
did to see this through, this was
what he wanted not just for you but
for his family, and for him. And yes
for you. You've come this far. Let
me help you go all the way.

Marta looks at him hard.

MARTA
This isn't you. You could turn me in
right now and get your cut of the
inheritance. Why?

RANSOM
Because fuck my family. They don't
deserve any of this. I can help you
and we can fool them all and get away
with it... and then you will give me
my cut of the inheritance. The
perfect ending, we all win. You, me
and Harlan. Deal?

Silence. Broken by Marta's phone ringing. On the phone
ID - "MEG T"

Marta takes a breath, looks at Ransom. And picks it up.

MARTA
Meg

MEG (ON PHONE) MARTA
Marta. Oh that was nuts. I know

MEG (ON PHONE)
Are you ok?
87.


MARTA
Yeah are you?

MEG (ON PHONE)
I'm fine, I mean everyone's nuts,
they're all going, I don't know,
they've lost it. No one knows I'm
calling you, I wanted to - I don't
know what I wanted, I wanted to say
sorry for how everyone was.

MARTA MEG (ON PHONE)
No... And... I guess I wanted to
ask...
(beat)
What are you going to do?

MARTA
What do you mean?

MEG (ON PHONE)
Well the... with the, will. What are
you going to do?

Marta looks at Ransom. What indeed.

MARTA
What do you think I should do?

MEG (ON PHONE)
You should do what you think is...
right. I think you should give it
back to us. Granddad always took
care of us, we're his family, I know
he was like family to you but we're
his actual family. Marta you know
this isn't fair, we've always been
good to you and we're going to take
care of you, everyone loves you and
you're like family and we'll take
care of you but you have to make
things right, you know what's right.

Marta, keeping eye contact with Ransom. Then, her voice
quavering, Meg drops what is for her the big bomb:

MEG (ON PHONE) (cont'd)
Marta mom's broke, she says I'll have
to drop out of school.

MARTA
No, no. I won't let that happen.
(MORE)
88.

MARTA (cont'd)
(beat)
Whatever money you need Meg, I'll
help you. I don't want you to worry.


INT. DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT

Meg on the phone. Her face horrified, mortified, barely
comprehending what she's just heard.

MARTA (ON PHONE)
I'll take care of you. I promise.

MEG
Thanks.

MARTA (ON PHONE)
And once I get the -

Meg hangs up, lets the phone drop from her ear. Tears in
her eyes. She turns to her whole family gathered behind
her, silent and expectant.


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Marta realizes the connection's dead, holds the phone in her
hand like something delicate she just broke.

RANSOM
Ok then. Did the detective find
anything suspicious at the house?

MARTA
(in a daze)
Mud. Tracks upstairs - where I broke
in through the window.

Ransom winces.

RANSOM
Identifiable prints?

MARTA
No.

RANSOM
Good. Ok. Good. Hey. You've just
gotta ride the next few days out
until the investigation putters out,
cause it will, cause no matter how
sharp this Blanc guy is he's got
nothing. Relax.
89.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Ransom offers to help Marta keep the inheritance and fool the family, while Meg calls Marta to plead her case. Meanwhile, Blanc and his team are investigating the break-in at Harlan's room.
Strengths "The tension between Ransom and Marta is palpable and the reveal about Ransom's motivation adds a layer of complexity to his character. Meg's call adds an emotional wallop to an already tense scene."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on dialogue and could benefit from more action or visual elements to break up the conversation. The scene also does little to advance the plot beyond revealing Ransom's motives."
Critique The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue that reveals character and motive. The tension between Ransom and Marta is palpable, and the addition of Meg's phone call adds another layer of conflict. The scene effectively advances the plot by showing how Marta and Ransom plan to keep her involvement in Harlan's death a secret, while also adding emotional weight through Meg's financial troubles. However, one potential weakness is that the scene is largely exposition-heavy, with the characters discussing their plan in detail rather than showing it in action. This could potentially detract from the emotional impact of the scene, as the audience is being told what's happening rather than being shown. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more physical action or visual elements to break up the dialogue and create more of a visual story. Overall, though, the scene is strong and well-crafted.
Suggestions There are a few ways you could improve this scene to make it more engaging and impactful:

1. Increase the tension: Currently, the scene feels a bit flat. Consider adding more conflict to the conversation between Ransom and Marta. Maybe Ransom is urging her to confess, or maybe Marta is more insistent on maintaining her innocence. Either way, increasing the stakes will make the scene more engaging.

2. Use more visual descriptions: The scene is heavily dialogue-based, which can make it feel static. Try incorporating more visual descriptions to break up the dialogue and make the scene more dynamic.

3. Tighten up the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit clunky and unrealistic. For example, Meg's monologue on the phone feels very scripted and stilted. Consider revising the dialogue to make it sound more natural.

4. Add more specificity: The scene could benefit from more specificity and detail. For example, when Marta mentions the mud tracks, it would be more interesting if we had more information about how she broke into the house. Adding in specific details can make the scene more immersive and memorable.



Scene 30 -  Receiving News of Harlan's Will
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. MARTA'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

She wakes to a sharp rapping at her door. Her sister Alice
pokes her head in, flustered.

ALICE
Marta get your ass up, what the hell
is happening? There's a guy here and
a bunch of stuff, everything's going
crazy, are we rich??

Marta lifts her head from her hands.

MARTA
Maybe, I dunno.

ALICE
I don't even know what that means but
you better get your ass up.

Marta looks at her phone - 28 missed calls.


INT. CABRERA LIVING ROOM

Marta stumbles in - Alice in front of the TV, mom pacing.

MOM
(subtitled Spanish)
Oh my god Marta what is all this,
what did you do?

The TV is tuned to local news - an anchor stands outside
THEIR APARTMENT BUILDING.

LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)
...we again we don't know much about
Marta Cabrera or the exact
relationship she had to Harlan
Thrombey, beyond being his home
nurse, and the Thrombey family has
yet to release a statement...

MARTA
Is that here?

ALICE
Oh yeah it is. Wait so is that true?
Are we rich?

Marta looks out the blinds - several local reporters down in
the streets with their vans and cameras.
90.


MARTA
Oh my god.


INT. DONNA'S CAR - MORNING

Donna, Walt's wife, listens to the same coverage on the
radio as she pulls up to their suburban home.


EXT. WALT'S DRIVEWAY - MORNING

Donna gets out with groceries. Approaches the front door.

Stops. YELPS. Drops the groceries.

There's a SHADY LOOKING MAN in a dark overcoat waiting near
the door. He turns to her.

DONNA
No no no no

She runs back towards her car. Tries the door but it's
locked and she dropped her keys with her groceries

DONNA (cont'd)
No Walt said he'll have the money
we'll figure it out NO!

The man takes a step towards her, Donna turns and RUNS -
STRAIGHT into the arms of Blanc.

BLANC
Whoa whoa - Mrs. Thrombey, are you
alright?

Trooper Wagner exits his prowler back behind Blanc. Donna
turns to look - the shady man is gone.

DONNA
He - oh god.

She collapses in nervous sobs. Blanc nods to Wagner.


INT. WALT'S KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER

Blanc sets tea down in front of the still shaken Donna.
Wagner stands by.

TROOPER WAGNER
We've got local officers on alert for
the man, if he's still around.
91.


BLANC
Do you know who he was, what he
wanted?

DONNA
I - no. I have no idea.

BLANC
Well it's lucky I came by, Mrs.
Thrombey. But I'm here to press you
a bit on something uncomfortable.
See, I checked the hospital logs for
Walt's bicycle accident. You
admitted him nine days ago... at
three in the morning. Not prime
bicycling time. So I dug a bit more.
Now it's possible he was shot in the
leg while on a bicycle, but at the
very least he buried the lede.

Blanc slides a medical record with X-Ray printout of a
bullet wound to a thigh bone.

DONNA
It started small. Side investments.
But he got deeper in, and losing
money so fast...

BLANC
...and he started drawing from the
publishing company. How much? Alot.
Donna. I know Walt is in big
trouble. But if he's done something
worse to try to fix it - or is going
to do something worse -

Donna looks up at Blanc, scared.

BLANC (cont'd)
Where is Walt now?


INT. CABRERA LIVING ROOM

MOM
Lawyers were here, very big lawyers
it looked like, and some other guys I
didn't know, they left all this for
you and business cards, so many
business cards, and there was a pile
of other stuff when I got home -
92.


Mom shovels some official looking legal letter and courier
envelopes into Marta's arms.

MOM (cont'd)
(subtitled Spanish)
Hey. I don't like this.

MARTA
(subtitled Spanish)
I don't like it either mom. I'm
slipping out the back - I'll be back
later, don't talk to anyone.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Marta wakes up to find that her family has been bombarded with reporters after inheriting Harlan's fortune. Meanwhile, Blanc investigates Walt's injury and financial issues, suspecting something deeper at play. Marta receives legal documents and business cards from Harlan's lawyers.
Strengths "Tension is high as the repercussions of Harlan's death start to unfold. The subplots begin to converge, with Blanc's investigation connecting with Marta's inheritance."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose, and the scene is mostly exposition and setup."
Critique Overall, the scene is engaging and builds tension well. The dialogue is natural and helps move the story forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The line "maybe, I dunno" from Marta feels a bit vague and unsatisfying. It would be more interesting to see her react more strongly to the news of potential wealth.

- The reveal of Walt's medical record and possible illegal activity feels a bit sudden and out of left field. It would be helpful to have more foreshadowing or hints earlier in the script to set up this plot point.

- The use of Spanish subtitles for Marta's mother's dialogue is a good way to add authenticity, but it would be helpful to have translations provided for non-Spanish-speaking readers/viewers.
Suggestions 1. Provide more context for the scene. What happened in the previous scenes to lead up to this moment? Giving the audience a clearer understanding of the plot will help them connect more with the characters and their actions.

2. Increase the tension. While there is some tension in the scene with the appearance of a mysterious man, there could be more. Perhaps the reporters outside the Cabrera's apartment building are shouting and banging on the door, or the shady man could be lurking nearby.

3. Develop the characters more. Right now, the characters seem to be a bit one-dimensional and their actions are driven solely by the plot. Adding more depth to their personalities and motivations will make the scene more compelling to watch.

4. Consider adding more visual detail. Visually engaging scenes are more memorable, so adding more detail to the setting and characters will help create a more immersive experience for the audience.

5. Rewrite the dialogue to make it sound more natural. While the dialogue in the scene is functional, it could be improved to sound more like how people actually talk. This will make the characters seem more authentic and the scene more believable.



Scene 31 -  Threats and Offers
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY

Dim and dingy. Marta comes out of their apartment door,
then jump, startled - at the end of the hall, lurking:
Walt.

MARTA
Hey.

Walt's eyes are rimmed red. His heavy cane taps.

WALT
Hey.

They're not sure what to do so they awkwardly hug. Marta
still has the envelopes in her hands.

WALT (cont'd)
How you doing?

MARTA WALT
Well. Walt I want you to
know I didn't know about any
of this. This is I know you didn't, we all
went kinda crazy yesterday

MARTA
Understandable

WALT
You're still very important to all of
us, I want you to know that.

MARTA
I haven't even looked at all this
yet, this legal stuff, is this from
you guys? Is there anything I should
know about it?
93.


Marta flips through the envelopes, squinting.

WALT
it isn't from us. Maybe just local
lawyers and accountants who saw the
news and want to jump on it, I'd be
careful of it all. But no, we're
all, I mean we're still hoping that
we won't, the family won't have to
bring lawyers into this.

One envelope sticks out - a blank plain letter sized
envelope, no postage, no return address.

MARTA
...good

WALT
Marta. Is it your intention to
renounce the inheritance?

MARTA
No. This is what Harlan wanted.

WALT
Well. The truth is Harlan has put
you in a very hard position here. It
was unfair of him.

Marta's phone buzzes - Caller ID: "maybe B BLANC". She
ignores it.

WALT (cont'd)
You didn't ask for this, you're, we
as the family, we see you as the
victim in all this.
(beat)
And we want to protect you.

Walt's hand on his cane. Gripping tight.

WALT (cont'd)
You see what this kicks up with the
press and the scrutiny, and we
know... with your mother...

MARTA
...with my mother.

Marta's spine straightens.

MARTA (cont'd)
What did Meg tell you.
94.


WALT
This isn't about who - you're missing
the point, we're not attacking you
with this. Marta if your mom came
here illegally, criminally, if you
come into this inheritance with the
scrutiny that entails I'd be afraid
that could come to light. That's
what we're all trying to avoid here.
We can protect you from that
happening, or if it happens.

MARTA
You're saying even if it came to
light, with the family's resources
you could help me fix it.

WALT
Yes. The right lawyers, none of
those local guys but New York
lawyers, DC lawyers, enough resources
put towards it, yes. But there's no
need it should ever even come up.
But yes.

MARTA
Ok. Good.

WALT
Ok?

MARTA
Cause Harlan gave me all your
resources. So that means with my
resources I'll be able to fix it. So
I guess I'm going to go find the
right lawyers.

WALT
Marta.

He shuffles towards her. For the first time she feels a
hint of physical threat, and backs up quick into her
apartment.

WALT (cont'd)
You better be sure you want to -

She slams the door
95.


INT. CABRERA KITCHEN

and leans against it, breathing hard. But angry and
focused. She dumps the legal envelopes in the trash but
keeps the mysterious envelope, opens it and pulls out:

Half a sheet of paper, roughly torn. A photocopy of the
header of some sort of medical document, "OFFICE OF THE
CHIEF MEDICAL EXAMINER" Under that, a photocopy of a tag
with her name on it. And hand written in block letters at
the top: "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."

Marta's phone BUZZES, and she jumps. Caller ID: "maybe B
BLANC". She hesitates, then sends it voicemail. Looks at
the mysterious letter in her hands.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE - DAY

Wagner's prowler pulls up. Blanc gets out of the passenger
side, Wagner out of the drivers seat, and a third UNIFORMED
POLICE OFFICER gets out of the back. He was the SHADY MAN.
He carries the folded overcoat he was wearing in front of
Donna's house.

Blanc nods to the Wagner and the officer.

BLANC
Gentlemen, thank you, and I promise
not a word to Elliott.
(into the phone)
Miss Cabrera it's Benoit Blanc. I had
the police drop your car back at your
home address. Marta I have a strange
premonition... be careful. And call
me back at your soonest convenience.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta receives legal documents and an anonymous threatening letter, while Walt tries to convince Marta to renounce the inheritance and protect the family's reputation. Meanwhile, Blanc investigates the break-in at Harlan's room and warns Marta to be cautious.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Building suspense
  • Skillful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Somewhat convoluted plot
Critique The scene sets up tension between Marta and Walt, but it could benefit from clearer character motivations. We understand that Marta is feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do with the legal envelopes she's holding, but it's unclear what Walt's intentions are regarding the inheritance or Marta herself. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to better convey the characters' emotions and increase the intensity of the scene. Nonetheless, the scene does effectively set up the mystery surrounding the mysterious envelope and Marta's possible involvement in a crime.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more action to the scene. Instead of just standing in the hallway, have Marta and Walt move around and interact in a more dynamic way. This will make the scene more visually interesting for the audience. Additionally, there could be more tension and conflict between Marta and Walt. This would raise the stakes and make the scene more engaging. Finally, it may also be beneficial to foreshadow the mysterious letter earlier in the script to build suspense and intrigue.



Scene 32 -  Blanc and Greatnana's Conversation, Ransom and Marta Discover Threat
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. GREATNANA'S ROOM

Dim. By an open window stands GREATNANA. Blanc enters, she
turns. They look into each others eyes.

BLANC
Mrs. Thrombey. I've always found it

A long pause as he thinks of exactly the right word.

BLANC (cont'd)
sad that youth assumes age to be a
muffling agent, like cotton gauze. A
lessener of desire, curiosity and all
the little glass baubles. Of youth.
(MORE)
96.

BLANC (cont'd)
Grief. Why is grief the providence
of youth? Maybe it's comforting, the
thought that when we'll most
encounter it we'll have gained some
immunity, maybe by projecting that
onto our elders we think we can
manifest it for ourselves. I don't
know. But I'd imagine that age
deepens all feelings. Including
grief. This was a long walk to
offering condolences again for the
loss of your son. And asking you if
it isn't presumptuous of me to not
think too harshly of your family, if
I am as I suspect the first to
console you. They're young aren't
they.

Blanc sits.

BLANC (cont'd)
One thing I do assume of age is
weariness. And maybe that's just
another version of the cotton gauze
projection. But even with the years
I have, damned if I don't get more
tired every day. Tired of what I do.
Following arcs, like lobbed rocks.
The inevitability of truth - lord
how grand - sounds like a rosy eyed
optimism, maybe. I do believe it.
But the complexity and the gray lies
not in the truth but what you do with
the truth once you have it.

Greatnana's eyes move slightly.

BLANC (cont'd)
I think you have something you want
to tell me. I think you're very
perceptive and very capable of
telling me what you saw the night of
your son's party. But I'll happily
wait. I'm in no rush. I find it
quite pleasant. Sitting here with
you.

He reclines, not particularly looking at her. She looks
back at him. Every now and then a breeze stirs the window
sheers.
97.


INT. RANSOM'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Too nice. Ransom wakes to his phone ringing.

RANSOM
(bleary)
Yeah

MARTA (ON PHONE)
Hey it's me, I'm outside.

RANSOM
Outside where?

A rapping on the window from outside the room.


EXT. RANSOM'S HOUSE

A nice little single residence home. Marta's car parked
next to Ransom's Porsche out front, Marta peering in the
window breathless when Ransom opens the front door in a
robe.

MARTA
Sorry.


INT. RANSOM'S LIVING ROOM

Ransom studies the mysterious letter. Marta pushes aside a
stack of New Yorkers and sits on the couch.

RANSOM
Well I don't know what this is from

Indicating the tag photocopy with her name.

MARTA
It's my medical bag tag. They have
my medical bag. For some reason.

RANSOM
OK, but this is the header of a blood
analysis, from the local crime lab.
On Harlan. Marta, it would show the
morphine overdose.

MARTA
Shit. Why would they test his blood?
97A.


RANSOM
Standard police procedure, any
unnatural death.

MARTA
So I'm screwed! How did Harlan miss
this?

RANSOM
He never remembered this kinda
procedural shit.

MARTA
How do you know all this stuff?

RANSOM
I was his research assistant. For a
summer. To be fair I sucked at it
too.
98.


MARTA
Shit shit shit shit shit. So wait if
the police know this why am I not in
jail?

RANSOM
The crime lab must not have sent it
to them yet. But this was dated
yesterday morning, the clock is
ticking.
(regards the paper)
This wasn't from the police. Why
would somebody send you this?

MARTA
Blackmail.

RANSOM
No it makes no sense. Blackmail only
works if this is the only copy. But
the report, the data, the blood
samples, it's all at the crime lab
down the street.
(beat)
The bag is open, the cat's coming
out. What was the point of sending
you this?
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Blanc and Greatnana discuss grief and loss while Ransom and Marta try to figure out who sent Marta a blood analysis report on Harlan, which could incriminate Marta in his murder.
Strengths "Both scenes provide important plot details and character development. Blanc and Greatnana's conversation adds depth to Blanc's character and hints at the complexity of the case. Ransom and Marta's conversation adds more tension and increases the stakes for Marta."
Weaknesses "The conversation between Blanc and Greatnana is a bit slow-moving and could potentially bore viewers. Ransom and Marta's conversation could be confusing for viewers who haven't been following the plot closely."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that the first scene set in Greatnana's room is well-written and executed. The dialogue flows naturally and gives a good insight into Blanc's character and his thoughts. The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation for what Greatnana may reveal.

The second scene set in Ransom's bedroom is also well-written and creates a sense of urgency with the discovery of the blood analysis and the potential consequences for Marta. The dialogue between Ransom and Marta feels natural and helps to move the plot forward.

Overall, both scenes are strong and serve their purpose in advancing the story. However, it's important to note that without context and an understanding of the overall plot and characters, it's difficult to fully critique the scene in terms of its effectiveness in the larger story.
Suggestions Overall, the scene in Greatnana's room could benefit from more concise and focused dialogue. Rather than a long, meandering monologue from Blanc, having a more targeted conversation between Blanc and Greatnana could add more tension and intrigue to the scene. Additionally, adding more physical action or emotional reactions from Greatnana could add more depth to her character and the scene as a whole.

In the scene at Ransom's house, there could be more descriptive language to set the scene and add more tension. Adding more urgency in the dialogue and actions of Ransom and Marta would also increase the stakes and intensify the scene.



Scene 33 -  Explosion and Blackmail
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. HALLWAY

A uniformed COP runs down the hallway in Thrombey's house
and bursts into the room where Blanc sits with Greatnana.
99.


COP
Mr. Blanc, a call from Lieutenant
Elliott - you need to get down to the
medical examiners office right now.

Blanc stands, smelling something big, nods a goodbye to the
still silent Greatnana and rushes out with the cop.

A moment after he's left, Greatnana slowly raises a finger
as if to say "wait."

A long beat.

Then Blanc runs back into the room and goes to her, puts his
ear to her mouth. She whispers something to him. He takes
the info with gravity. Then looks up at her.

BLANC
Thank you dear one.

He kisses her gently on the forehead. Then dashes out.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Siren blazing, the cop car SPEEDS into town.


EXT. MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE

The cop car pulls past an identifying sign into the parking
lot of a one story stand alone building, joining several
other cop cars, and fire trucks. Journalists kept at bay.

The building is a charred brick husk. Black smoke, debris.
It's been gutted with an explosion and a blazing fire.

Blanc steps out of the cop car and finds Lieutenant Elliott.

BLANC
What's the cheese?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Five AM, a break-in alarm was
triggered. Before we could even
respond neighbors reported the
flames. It went up quick, the whole
place is gutted. Blood stores,
records, all gone. No employees
around, thank god.

BLANC
Any surveillance cams?
100.


Elliott gestures wearily to the charred remains of a
security camera on the smoking shell of an awning.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
And speaking of, the security tape
from the Thrombey residence was
scrambled. Somehow.

Blanc unsurprised. He motions back to the building.

BLANC
What was still pending from the
autopsy?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
The report on the blood work.

BLANC
Blood work?

Blanc chews on this.

Across the street, Marta and Ransom pull up in her car.


INT. MARTA'S CAR

MARTA
Holy shit. Did - was this connected?

Ransom looks at her - yeah it's likely. They both
instinctively duck down in case the cops look over.

MARTA (cont'd)
Who would blow up a whole real
official building just to blackmail
me?

RANSOM
Someone who knows how much money
you're about to inherit.
(beat)
Do you know how much money you're
about to inherit?

MARTA
No. Oh god don't tell me.

RANSOM
(realizing)
Have you checked your emails this
morning?
101.


Marta looks stunned. She stabs at her phone, quick swipes.

MARTA
...nothing

RANSOM
Junk folder?

MARTA
Uh. Yeah.

She shows him an email from 092832@shushmail.com. No
subject line, simple text: 1209 Columbus Rd 10AM

Marta looks at Ransom, then at the clock on her dashboard -
9:32, then at the charred building.


EXT. MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE

Blanc looks around, deep in thought. He spots Marta's car.


INT. MARTA'S CAR

Marta peeking up through the window.

Blanc sees her. She sees him. Ducks back down. Shit.

RANSOM
Marta. This means that the tox
report, the only thing that could
prove your guilt, exists as a paper
copy, in the possession of this
blackmailer. Who will be at this
address. In half an hour.

Blanc begins to walk straight towards Marta. Quickly and
with purpose. Shouts something, Lieutenant Elliott follows.

RANSOM (cont'd)
Marta. Did you hear me.

Marta peeks again - Blanc coming at them full speed. Twenty
paces from the car. Closing in fast.

MARTA
Yeah.

She sits up, throws the car in gear and FLOORS IT.
102.


EXT. MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE

Her subcompact PEELS OUT and buzzes off down the road.

Blanc, crestfallen, runs back towards the cop cars in the
parking lot, shouting at Elliott, who flags a cop.


INT. MARTA'S CAR

The whine of the engine, Ransom puts on his seat belt. In
the rear view, siren lights as cop cars pour out of the
parking lot in pursuit.

MARTA
You regret helping me yet?

RANSOM
I regret not taking the Porsche.

Her phone buzzes - Blanc calling. IGNORE.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Marta buzzing down the road, cop cars a quarter mile back.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Blanc rushes to the medical examiner's office after an explosion. He finds out that the report on Harlan's blood work was still pending. Meanwhile, Marta receives a threatening email and legal documents for the inheritance, and both she and Ransom suspect that the explosion and email are connected. Blanc spots Marta and Ransom in their car, and as he approaches them, they speed off, pursued by cop cars.
Strengths "Tension and suspense are skillfully built in the scene, through the use of the explosion, the missing report, and the threatening email. The conflict level is high, with Marta and Ransom being pursued by cop cars. The characters' actions are consistent with their personalities."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition, with characters sharing information. The dialogue is functional rather than memorable. The emotional impact is limited, as the characters' emotions are not fully explored."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. It effectively builds tension and raises the stakes for the characters. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The dialogue is somewhat on-the-nose and lacks subtlety. For example, when the cop tells Blanc that he needs to get to the medical examiner's office, Blanc immediately responds with "What's the cheese?" This line feels forced and unnatural.
- Similarly, the conversation between Marta and Ransom in the car is a bit heavy-handed. They discuss the blackmail plot in detail, which feels unrealistic given the circumstances.
- The action descriptions could benefit from more vivid language and sensory details. For example, when the cop car speeds into town, it would be more engaging to describe the sights and sounds of the chase (e.g. the blaring sirens, the blur of passing buildings).
- Lastly, the formatting of the scene could be improved. The scene heading should be formatted as INT./EXT. to indicate both the interior and exterior locations featured in the scene.

Overall, the scene has a strong foundation and could be improved with some tweaks to the dialogue and action descriptions.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from clearer stakes and character motivations. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Give more context about the urgency of Blanc's need to get to the medical examiner's office. Why is it important that he go there right away? Is there a time crunch? Are there critical pieces of evidence that need to be examined before they disappear? This will heighten the tension and keep the audience engaged.

- Build up more tension around Greatnana's whispered message. Right now, it's not clear why we should care about her or what information she's giving Blanc. Consider paralleling this scene with another scene earlier in the movie where she establishes her importance and potential as a witness.

- Make sure that Marta has more to do in the scene. Right now, she's mainly a passive participant, reacting to information that Ransom gives her. Consider giving her more agency - maybe she has a plan to try to find the blackmailer herself, or maybe she has to make a difficult decision about whether to trust Blanc.

- Make sure that Ransom's motivations are clearer. Right now, it seems like he's mainly along for the ride, but he should have a greater stake in what's happening. Maybe he's worried about his own inheritance, or maybe he has a personal vendetta against the blackmailer.

- Finally, tighten up some of the dialogue to make it more efficient. For example, instead of having the cop say "Mr. Blanc, a call from Lieutenant Elliott - you need to get down to the medical examiners office right now," just have Blanc's phone ring with a message from Elliott. It's a small change, but it keeps the scene moving quickly and cuts down on unnecessary exposition.



Scene 34 -  Car Chase and Arrest
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. COP CAR

Blanc in back, Elliott in front, Trooper Wagner driving.

COP (ON RADIO) LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Vehicles in pursuit in (into radio)
Washington Street No force - repeat that.
Possible murder suspect.

Their speedometer creeping up on 85


INT. MARTA'S CAR

Marta's speedometer creeping up on 55.

MARTA RANSOM
Oh my god oh my god oh my Are you flooring it?
god I am literally flooring
it

Her phone rings - Blanc again. She looks over - cop cars
are RIGHT ALONGSIDE them. Blank holds his phone up, looks
at her quizzically. Points to the phone.
103.


RANSOM (cont'd)
This is going well.

MARTA
This is stupid, I'm pulling over

RANSOM
If you miss your shot at getting that
tox report it's all over...

MARTA
Aaauuuuuawwwaaagghhhh

She hits the brakes.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Marta's car PEELS TO A STOP and the two COP CARS on either
side blaze by, hitting their brakes.

She pulls off onto a SIDE STREET and into narrower city
streets, down narrow alleys, using her small car to nimbly
dart though small spaces.

The cops can't follow, and she loses them.

She pulls to a stop in a secluded little back lot.


INT. MARTA'S CAR

Marta, breathing hard. Ransom is shocked.

MARTA RANSOM
Ok. I'm all just pure
adrenaline now it's like I
swallowed bees. What's the
the whatsitcalled address 1209 Columbus road.
ok. And I just - I mean
whatever they want, I just
say yes right, just to get
that report back. And destroy it.
And destroy it. Ransom.
Thank you. I couldn't do
this without you.

He smiles slightly. A quick moment of silence between them.

Then: RAP RAP RAP on Ransom's car window.
104.


Blanc. Standing right outside. Marta looks in her rear
view - the cop car has pulled up silently behind them.
Another pulls up in front.


EXT. PARKING LOT

Ransom and Marta step out of the car, hands raised for some
reason.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
That was the dumbest car chase of all
time. Put your hands down.

BLANC
(to Marta)
I spoke to Wanetta Thrombey,
Greatnana. The night of the party
she saw someone climb the trellis to
the third floor.

MARTA
Should I, I should have a lawyer?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Mr. Drysdale, come with us please.

Elliott leads Ransom off by the elbow. Ransom throws a look
back at Marta - he has no idea what's going on.

MARTA
What's going on?

BLANC
It was Ransom. "Ransom came back"
she said. I don't know what he came
back to do, but we'll find out.

Marta looks at Ransom - oh no. Senile Greatnana thought she
was him. This is a mistake. But... she glances at her
watch - 9:51.

BLANC (cont'd)
Did he tell you to drive when he saw
me coming?

Ransom's being led to the police car. Marta decides:

MARTA
Yes.

Marta gets back in her car. She pretends to take a sip from
an empty soda cup, but actually SPITS UP a little into it.
105.


LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT (O.S.)
Blanc.

BLANC (O.S.)
(to Elliott)
I'll drive with Marta.

To Marta's horror Blanc opens her passenger door.

BLANC
Let's go to the police station, I
want a full run down of everything he
said to you, and I can catch you up
on where we're at.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Cop cars coast through town, Marta's bringing up the rear.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Blanc pursues Marta and Ransom in a car chase, ultimately leading to Ransom's arrest. Blanc updates Marta on his investigation and suspects Ransom as the culprit behind Harlan's death.
Strengths "The tense car chase and the reveal of Blanc's suspicions create a high point of conflict and drama. The dialogue between characters is nuanced and reveals character motivations."
Weaknesses "The resolution feels a bit contrived, with Greatnana's confusion leading to Ransom's arrest. Some dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed in pushing the plot forward."
Critique Overall, the scene seems well-written and effectively builds tension. The car chase sequence is particularly engaging, with clear action and suspenseful moments. The dialogue is natural sounding and moves the story forward.

One potential critique is that Marta's decision to pull over seems a bit abrupt and could use more justification. Additionally, there could be more clarity on why Blanc is so insistent on riding with Marta to the police station, as it feels slightly contrived for the sake of plot convenience.

Overall, the scene effectively advances the plot and keeps the viewer engaged.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has good tension and momentum, but there are a few things that could be improved to make it more compelling:

1. Consider adding more visuals to the car chase. Right now, the only description is the speedometer creeping up. Add some descriptions of the cars swerving through traffic, the sound of the engines revving, or the cops shouting into their radios.

2. Make Marta's decision to pull over more significant. Right now, it feels like a quick resolution to the chase without any real consequences. Consider having a moment where Marta has to make a split-second decision, with high stakes if she chooses wrong.

3. Use the setting more effectively. The scene takes place in a cop car and in Marta's car, but the descriptions are pretty basic. Add some details about the surroundings to create a stronger sense of location. What do the streets look like? Are there people watching the chase from their windows?

4. Build up the tension between Ransom and Marta more. Right now, their dynamic feels a bit flat. Consider adding more dialogue or actions that reveal their conflicting motivations, or show how they're starting to turn against each other.

By incorporating these elements, you can make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the audience.



Scene 35 -  Desperate Motives
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MARTA'S CAR

Marta glances at the dashboard clock - 9:55. Blanc, casual:

BLANC
Strange case from the start. A
broken arc, a case with a hole in the
middle. A donut. I'm just talking
through my process here, let me know
if this is boring.

Marta's arms are locked, her eyes steal a glance at the
clock - 9:58.

BLANC (cont'd)
I feel the noose tightening - the
family are truly desperate. Walt
owes bad men money, his life depends
on the inheritance. Joni's entire
business and carefully cultivated
image will crumble without it. And
Richard - I sense there's more at
stake for Richard than his marriage.

MARTA
Richard signed a pre-nup. With
Linda. Ransom told me - he'd get
nothing if she divorced him.

BLANC
Of course! So he may be the most
dangerous of all.
(MORE)
106.

BLANC (cont'd)
Desperate motives, the mystery of who
hired me, the impossibility of the
crime, and yet -

Up ahead, a street sign - "Columbus Road." Marta tenses.

BLANC (cont'd)
A donut! One central piece, and if it
reveals itself the fog would lift,
the arc would resolve, the slinky
become unkinked

MARTA
I need to pick something up. From a
friends. A check. For a thing. Can
I stop and pick something up?

BLANC
Sure.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Marta's car makes a sharp turn, leaving the cop caravan.


EXT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD

A row of storefronts - 1209 is vacant. Marta's car pulls a
few stores past it. She gets out of the car.

MARTA
I'll just be a few minutes.

Marta runs into a bustling hair salon.


EXT. BACK ALLEY

Marta ducks out the back door of the salon, goes two doors
down to 1209, and slips into the back door.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Blanc discusses the desperate motives of the family with Marta while she tries to buy some time to figure out who sent her the threat. Marta makes a stop to pick something up from a friend and sneaks into an empty storefront.
Strengths "Tense tone, good character development, intense conflict"
Weaknesses "Lacks significant emotional impact, action-heavy scene"
Critique Overall, this is a competent scene. The dialogue is well-written and the pacing is effective. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. ACTION: There is little description of the setting or actions of the characters. This could make for a dull scene with two people sitting in a car talking. More action could be added to make it more engaging.

2. CHARACTERIZATION: Blanc comes off as a bit of a cliche "quirky detective" type. More personality could be added to make him stand out from other detectives we've seen before.

3. MOTIVATION: It is not clear why Marta needs to pick up this check, especially at this precise moment. Some more explanation could be added to justify this detour in the plot.

4. TENSION: Although there is tension building up as the conversation progresses, it doesn't feel like it is a high stakes conversation if Marta is able to just leave the car to run an errand. Adding more of a sense of urgency could help make the scene more impactful.

Overall, the scene is well-written and competently done but could benefit from some more detail and depth in certain areas.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene needs to have more tension to engage the audience. The stakes are high for the characters, so make sure this tension is reflected in their actions, dialogue, and body language.

2. Cut down the exposition: The dialogue between Blanc and Marta feels too much like exposition. Try to find ways to show the story and themes instead of just telling them.

3. Add some action: The scene could benefit from some action or movement to break up the talking. This will help engage the audience on a visual and physical level.

4. Use visual cues to create a sense of place: The scene takes place in two locations - the car and the back alley. Find ways to use visual cues to give the audience a sense of these locations without being too on-the-nose.

5. Foreshadow what's to come: Foreshadowing can help engage the audience by building anticipation for what's to come. Consider adding some foreshadowing to hint at the twist or reveal that's coming later in the story.



Scene 36 -  The Empty Envelope
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD

Dark, empty retail space. Lit only by the painted-over
front windows. Marta edges her way in, her eyes still
adjusting from the sun.

MARTA
Hello?

Her foot hits something on the dirty concrete floor.
107.


HER MEDICAL BAG.

She kneels, picks it up gently.

Next to where it was lying, she finds something else
curious - the burned remnants of a piece of paper. Only a
charred corner remains.

She turns her attention back to the room. Creeps forward.

MARTA (cont'd)
Hello?

Ahead - a silhouette. A person. Seated in a chair, in the
center of the room. Silent, facing her.

MARTA (cont'd)
I don't have much time. Whatever you
want we can work it out, but we
figure it out right here, right now,
and I leave with that report.

A beat of silence. Nothing. Something's not right here.

MARTA (cont'd)
Hello?

Marta takes a step closer, lifts her phone, and turns on its
flashlight.

Illuminating the ghostly face of FRAN, the housekeeper.

Marta, barely breathing:

MARTA (cont'd)
Fran?

A SPIDER crawls across Fran's face. Marta STIFLES A SCREAM
and leaps back, sucking in air.

A moment of stillness. Her phone BUZZES - Blanc calling.
Marta ignores the call, frozen.

Her eyes go to: A white letter sized ENVELOPE in Fran's
hand, resting on her lap.

Marta swallows. Leans in, carefully and quietly for some
reason, and SLIPS the envelope from the lifeless fingers.

Unsealed. She opens it.

It is empty.
108.


Before this can even sink in, a rattling, grating DRAW OF
BREATH - from Fran.

Marta starts - oh my god - and goes to her, checking a
pulse, checking her eyes, lays her on her back. Fran sucks
in thin breath, her eyes finding Marta in the glare of the
dropped phone flashlight.

MARTA (cont'd)
Fran! Fran! Can you hear me? Fran,
give me a sign if you can hear me!

FRAN
You

MARTA
Me? Fran it's Marta, you called me
here, you sent me the email, I'm
here. I'm going to call an ambulance
and you're going to be ok but can you
tell me what happened, did you take
something, what's happened to you -

Weak, Fran grabs Marta's wrist, and Marta focuses on her.

FRAN
...copy... copy

MARTA
A copy. A copy... of this?
(the envelope)
Where?

FRAN
...stashed...

MARTA
Stashed where? Where is it Fran?

These words are barely given breath:

FRAN
you... did this... won't... get
away.. with this

Her eyes seize. Her breath gets ragged. Marta is paralyzed
with shock and fear. Fran is dying.

Marta looks at the medical bag in her hand. Then at Fran,
struggling with her final breaths, eyes wide with fear.

She takes a step back from the dying Fran. Fingers tight
around the medical bag. Letting her die.
109.


But then, a decision: no. Marta dials 911 on speaker, drops
to her knees and starts administering mouth to mouth.

PHONE
911, what is your emergency?


EXT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD

Blanc sitting in the car, singing softly to himself.

BLANC
Sometimes I stand in the middle of
the room... not going left... not
going right...

He looks at the hair salon - what's taking so long? And
then sirens, as an AMBULANCE pulls up two doors down, and
EMT's run into the abandoned storefront.

BLANC (cont'd)
Oh no.

HARD CUT TO:
Genres: ["mystery","suspense","drama"]

Summary Marta investigates a threatening email and receives an empty envelope from the dying housekeeper, Fran. Blanc finds a lead on Harlan's death.
Strengths "Tense and suspenseful scene with dramatic plot developments. The characters are well-defined, building on their motivations and desires. The dialogue is concise and effective in conveying the urgency of the situation. The scene introduces a new puzzle piece in the investigation, deepening the stakes and raising the tension."
Weaknesses "Some parts of the scene feel contrived, such as Marta's decision to call 911 after considering not saving Fran. The emotional beats are somewhat predictable, relying on shock and fear as primary drivers. The theme of grief and loss is touched upon but could be explored more thoroughly."
Critique Overall, this scene is well written. It has good tension and suspense, with a nice buildup to the reveal of Fran in the chair. The use of sound (silence, the phone buzzing, the draw of breath from Fran) creates a strong atmosphere. The decision Marta faces (letting Fran die or trying to save her) adds a layer of moral complexity.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The dialogue, particularly with Marta and Fran, feels a bit forced and expository. Some of their lines could be more natural and less constructed to reveal plot points. Additionally, the scene's description could benefit from more sensory detail - what does the space smell like, feel like? What is the tone of Marta's internal thoughts as she makes her decision? These small additions could elevate the scene even further.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has some strong elements, such as the eerie atmosphere and tension building as Marta discovers the burned paper and encounters Fran. However, there are some areas that could be improved to increase the intensity of the scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: Despite the tension building throughout the scene, it's not entirely clear what Marta's goal is or what the consequences will be if she fails. Is she trying to save Fran's life? Retrieve a valuable document? Protect herself from danger? By establishing the stakes early on, the audience will feel more invested in the outcome of the scene.

2. Ramp up the conflict: Although the scene is suspenseful, there could be more direct conflict between Marta and Fran. Maybe Fran is actively trying to stop Marta from finding the document, or there's a physical struggle between them. This would add another layer of tension and make the scene more engaging.

3. Increase visual interest: The scene takes place in a very static environment, which can become visually boring for the audience. To make the scene more dynamic, consider adding movements or actions for the characters to perform that will engage the audience visually. For example, maybe Marta is checking Fran's pulse while also trying to fend off a spider crawling on her arm.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some additional tension and visual interest.



Scene 37 -  Confrontation and Confession
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - LATER

Marta and Blanc sitting silently in the fluorescent-lit
waiting room. Marta with her face in her hands. Blanc is
on his phone, mostly listening.

BLANC
(into phone)
Mm hm. Mm.
(listens awhile)
Huh.
(listens)
And that was it? Mm hm. Alright my
friend, thank you for the update. No
I'm here with her. No need for that,
I'll bring her in once we get word
that the housekeeper is stable. It's
still touch and go.
(listens)
No. I don't know. Alright.

He hangs up. Marta looks at him.

MARTA
This is over. People are getting
hurt, I've gotta stop this. I'm
going to tell you the truth.
110.


BLANC
Young Ransom just told Lieutenant
Elliott everything. Who just told me
everything.

MARTA BLANC
Good. Wait god I hope he
didn't cover for me, did he
tell the real truth, about
me switching the- Yeah
And the disguise and all
the- Yes
And the blackmail with the- Mm.

MARTA
I just wish you'd caught me before
Fran got hurt.
(beat)
Why did Fran take my morphine? She
obviously had swiped my bag from the
house, but she didn't seem like a
user to me, unless that's why she
needed money...
(beat)
I dunno, doesn't matter. I should
tell the Thrombeys myself, I feel
like I owe that to them.

BLANC
I don't think that's a good idea

MARTA
No, I need to do it. I won't do any
of this if I can't do that. I really
need to. I gave the doctors my
number, they'll call if anything
changes with Fran.

BLANC
We'll round up the Thrombeys at the
house, along with a police escort.

MARTA
For the arrest after.

BLANC
You can tell me your whole story on
the drive over, from your
perspective. I want no more
surprises.

Marta stands, a dead man walking, resigned.
111.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS

Marta's car drives through the scenic countryside. Inside
we see but don't hear her telling a long story to Blanc, who
looks at the passing countryside, brow knit.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE - AFTERNOON

All the family cars there, along with two police cruisers.
Marta's pulls up.


INT. MARTA'S CAR

MARTA
...said it was stashed, the copy, and
then she told me "you did this, you
won't get away with it" and then I
called the ambulance. And that's it.

She turns the engine off. Looks up at the house. Breathes.

BLANC
Alright. Are you ready?


INT. FOYER

Marta and Blanc enter. This really feels like a walk
towards the gallows. Richard, Walt and Meg are there. Meg
avoids eye contact with Marta.

RICHARD
Ah. Ok, has she come to her senses?

WALT
She's standing right here - Marta

BLANC
Is the rest of the family here?

WALT BLANC
In the living room. I think maybe, if we
could...

Blanc beckons, and Richard and Walt file out. On her way
out Meg hugs Marta, weeping.

MEG
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I told them
about your mom. I was angry and
scared, I'm sorry
112.


MARTA
It's ok, Meg. I understand. Believe
me. It's alright.

Meg sniffs, dries her eyes.

MEG
God I wish Fran had come in today. I
could use some of her stash.

They hug one more time. Then when Meg walks off towards the
living room, Marta realizes something.

MARTA
Oh my god.
(to Blanc)
I know where the tox report is.


INT. DRAWING ROOM

Marta jimmies the clock drawer open with a letter opener.

She pulls a FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER from inside, blows loose
pot leaves off it. She hands it to Blanc.

MARTA
She practically told me where it was.
What a terrible blackmailer.
Anyway this'll tie everything up.
And I just handed it to you, god
you're you're not much of a
detective are you?

BLANC
To be fair you're a pretty lousy
murderer. Perhaps we deserve each
other.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Marta and Blanc discuss their next steps and confront the Thrombeys, leading to Marta's confession. Marta also discovers the tox report on Harlan's death.
Strengths "Tense and dramatic confrontation between Marta and the Thrombeys, with Marta finally coming forward with the truth. The discovery of the tox report adds another layer of intrigue to the mystery."
Weaknesses "Exposition-heavy dialogue that could be more natural. Emotional impact could be higher."
Critique This scene is well written and moves the plot along nicely. The dialogue is believable and allows the characters to express their thoughts and feelings. However, one small critique would be that there could have been a bit more action or movement in the scene rather than just characters sitting and talking. Some description of their physical reactions or movements could have added more depth to the scene. Overall, it is a solid scene that serves its purpose effectively.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and conflict to the scene. Perhaps Marta is feeling desperate and on the verge of a breakdown, and Blanc is trying to keep her calm while also trying to solve the case. Additionally, there could be more dialogue between Marta and Blanc, exploring their motivations and fears more deeply. Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions, such as Marta biting her nails or Blanc furrowing his brow. This would add more depth to the characters and the scene.



Scene 38 -  The Confession
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIVING ROOM

The family gathered, impatient. Lieutenant Elliott and
Trooper Wagner are there too, with another uniformed
officer. Ransom sits in the corner, his face passive.

Marta gulps. Blanc is a few steps behind her. As she
speaks, he unfolds and reads the tox report.

MARTA
Um. You guys have always been good
to me.
(MORE)
113.

MARTA (cont'd)
And what I'm about to say isn't going
to be easy, and you're going to be
upset, but especially after
everything you've gone through the
past few days, I thought you deserved
to hear it from me.

Walt smiles at her, "you're doing the right thing." Marta
takes a deep breath.

Blanc has finished reading the report. He refolds it
carefully.

MARTA (cont'd)
I -

BLANC
Excuse me. You have not been good to
her. You have all treated her like
shit to steal back a fortune that you
lost and she deserves. You're a pack
of bloody vultures at the feast, but
you're not getting bailed out, not
this time.
(beat)
Ms. Cabrera has decided definitively
not to renounce the inheritance.

WALT
What?

MARTA
What?

BLANC
Furthermore it will be my
professional recommendation to the
local authorities that the manner of
death in the case of Harlan Thrombey
is ruled as suicide, and the case is
closed.

RANSOM
What?

MARTA BLANC
What? No, Blanc - Thank you all for coming
goodbye.

He firmly guides Marta out by the elbow. A beat of silence.

RICHARD
Is anybody else confused?
114.


As the family breaks out in hubub, Linda notices her dad's
OLD BASEBALL on the side table where Blanc left it. What's
that doing here? She picks it up.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Crime"]

Summary Marta confesses to the Thrombeys and Blanc about her decision to not renounce the inheritance, Blanc's recommendation to rule Harlan's death a suicide, and the family's reaction to the news.
Strengths "The tension and conflict are well-established, the dialogue is sharp and impactful, and there is a significant plot development."
Weaknesses "Some characters feel underdeveloped, and the scene lacks emotional depth."
Critique Overall, this scene is effective in delivering a surprising twist to the audience. However, there are some areas that could be improved.

First, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful. Some exchanges, such as Walt's "you're doing the right thing" and the family's confusion at the end, could be cut for brevity. This would keep the focus on Blanc's bombshell revelation.

Second, the action beats could be emphasized more to heighten the tension. For example, when Blanc starts interrupting Marta, the script could specify that the room falls silent and all eyes turn to him. This would increase the sense of chaos and shock in the scene.

Finally, the last sentence about Linda noticing the baseball feels unnecessary and out of place. If this detail is important for later on in the story, it should be set up more clearly and with more significance. Otherwise, it detracts from the impact of the scene's climax.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and effective in its purpose to reveal Marta's decision and Blanc's plan. However, here are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Make Marta's decision more clear - it's not entirely clear what Marta has decided until Blanc announces it. Perhaps add a line where Marta says something like, "I've made a decision, and I'm not changing my mind."

2. Increase the tension - the scene is a bit too calm given the weight of the situation. Perhaps add some moments of silence, or have the family members whisper to each other as they try to process what's happening.

3. Develop the characters more - the scene could benefit from more insight into each character's thoughts and emotions. For example, we don't really know how Ransom is feeling in this moment, other than his one-word exclamation.

4. Cut the baseball line - the last line about the baseball feels out of place and doesn't add anything to the scene. It's better to end on a moment of tension or conflict.

Overall, the scene is well-written and effective, but with a few tweaks, it could be even stronger.



Scene 39 -  The Guilty Party Revealed
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIBRARY

Blanc steers Marta into the library, as sounds of hubub and
shouting come from the other room.

MARTA
What the hell? I want to come clean,
this is over -

BLANC
Almost.

Elliott bursts in, motions to the living room, then Marta,
then Blanc.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
What - with - what?

BLANC
I'm sorry, could you - officer
Wagner!

Wagner enters.

BLANC (cont'd)
Please keep the family out of this
room and get them out of the house if
you can. But stand by with your
additional officer.

TROOPER WAGNER
Get the family out?

BLANC
Yes but not all of them.

Blanc whispers something to Wagner, who nods and exits.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Drama.

BLANC
Indulge me.

MARTA
Blanc I just want the truth to come
out
115.


BLANC
The truth! Yes! The truth, you have
brought the truth to light my Watson,
just as I suspected you would. Have
a seat, please.

Marta sits. Elliott remains standing.

MARTA
I told Ransom, Ransom told you, I'm
telling you now - it is an immovable
fact that I killed Harlan.

BLANC
Yes you did, yes he did, yes you are,
but. But. I spoke in the car about
the hole at the center of this donut.
And yes, what you and Harlan did that
fateful night seems at first glance
to fill that hole perfectly. A donut
hole in the donut's hole. But we
must look a little closer. And when
we do, we see that the donut hole has
a hole in its center - it is not a
donut hole at all but a smaller donut
with its own hole, and our donut is
not whole at all!

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Blanc I can tell you're enjoying this
but -

BLANC
Why. Was. I. Hired? The answer to
your question "why are we here" is an
question itself, it is time to answer
it. Why would someone hire me?

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Someone fishing for any crime that
could help reverse the will.

BLANC
I was hired before the sealed will
was read. Yes, the person must have
known the contents of the will. But
one step further - that same person
must have known a crime was
committed, and further, if the intent
was to reverse Marta's inheritance,
they must have known that Marta was
responsible.
(MORE)
116.

BLANC (cont'd)
(beat)
An intriguing combination of factors.
Someone who knew what Marta did,
wanted to expose it, but could not
reveal how they knew.

MARTA
Fran? She was blackmailing me, she
knew what I did

BLANC
But Fran wanted money, ergo she did
not want the crime exposed.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Did someone in the family see Marta
doing something suspicious?

BLANC
They would have had no reason to not
speak up. No. The answer is not so
simple.

Blanc sits, suddenly weary.

BLANC (cont'd)
Now with the entire solution in my
field of view, the arc of this case
is a tragedy of errors. And Marta,
it will not be easy to hear. But
there is at least one truly guilty
party behind it all, guilty in the
true sense of acting with malice, and
committing a heinous crime with
selfish intent.
(calls)
Trooper Wagner.

MARTA
(stunned)
Trooper Wagner??

Blanc squints at her. No.

A moment later Wagner leads Ransom in. Ransom looks at
Marta softly, sadly.

RANSOM
Marta I'm sorry. I told them
everything, I figured it was all up.
I'm sorry.
117.


MARTA
It's alright Ransom, I'm glad you
did.

BLANC
Not exactly everything though.

MARTA
Is this about what Greatnana told
you? She saw me that night, she
mistook me for Ransom

BLANC
We'll get to that. But first, Mr.
Hugh Ransom Drysdale, you might tell
us all why you hired me.

RANSOM
Why I hired you?

BLANC
You're right, let's back up. To the
night of the party. Your argument
with Harlan. What were the overheard
words by the Nazi child masturbating
in the bathroom - "my will" and "I'm
warning you." You and Harlan were
"drama mamas," you shared a love of
twisting the knife into one another.
I don't believe he would have slipped
it in halfway - no, I submit that
Harlan told you everything.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Blanc uncovers the true mastermind behind Harlan's death and the family's attempt to undermine Marta's inheritance.
Strengths "Strong dialogue, intense conflict, dramatic reveal, satisfying conclusion"
Weaknesses "Some character development could be stronger, plot twists may feel predictable for some viewers"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue between the characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, there is a lot of exposition and unclear information being presented all at once, which can be overwhelming for the audience and detract from the impact of the reveal. A clearer structure and more gradual buildup to the reveal could improve the impact of the scene.

Secondly, while the dialogue is strong, there could be more attention paid to the visual elements of the scene to make it more cinematic. For example, blocking and character movements could be used to create tension and add to the drama of the scene.

Overall, the scene shows promise but could benefit from further revisions to improve its impact and cinematic quality.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written and engaging. However, here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Include more action: While the dialogue is interesting and drives the scene forward, including more actions, reactions, and descriptions of the characters' surroundings will make the scene feel more alive and immersive. For example, describe how Marta and Blanc enter the library, and how Elliott bursts in. Include details about the library's decor and the characters' body language.

2. Simplify the dialogue: While the dialogue is clever and witty, it can also be confusing at times. Simplifying the language and making the characters' intentions more clear will make it easier for the audience to follow along. For example, instead of Blanc's long monologue about the donut hole, he could simply say, "Yes, you killed Harlan, but there's more to the story."

3. Make the reveal more impactful: The scene builds up to the reveal that Ransom hired Blanc, but it doesn't feel as impactful as it could be. Including more foreshadowing, such as hints that Ransom has something to hide or that he's not being entirely truthful, can make the reveal feel more shocking and satisfying.

4. Vary the character's tones: While Blanc is always witty and clever, and Marta is always reactive and emotional, varying the tone of the characters' dialogue can make them feel more dynamic and interesting. For example, in moments of tension, Blanc could be serious and intense, and Marta could be determined and confident.

5. Cut unnecessary dialogue: While the scene is engaging, it could benefit from some trimming. Dialogue that doesn't advance the plot or reveal anything new could be cut to make the scene tighter and more concise. For example, some of the banter between Elliott and Blanc may not be necessary.



Scene 40 -  Ransom's Plan
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. SMALL STUDY - NIGHT OF PARTY

Ransom and Harlan face each other.

RANSOM
You can't be serious.

HARLAN
Not a red dime or word of my work to
a single one of them, you included.


INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
Marta, remind me what Ransom said his
conversation with Harlan ended with.
118.


MARTA
Harlan told him that I could beat him
in GO.

BLANC
And I asked myself - Marta? Why
would the topic of the will have
steered around to Marta? There is
one obvious explanation...


INT. SMALL STUDY - NIGHT OF PARTY

RANSOM
You are not this crazy. You would
not just throw your fortune away

HARLAN
No. I'm giving it to Marta. All of
it.

RANSOM
Ha. To your Brazilian nurse are you
goddamn insane.

HARLAN RANSOM
I'm sane for the first time I'm going to stop this
in my life and I've done it Harlan, I -
I've made the change to my
will it's done

RANSOM (cont'd)
I'm warning you!

Push into a vent in the wall.


INT. LIBRARY

RANSOM
That is some heavy duty conjecture.

BLANC
Granted. But it's the only way what
comes next makes sense. So you storm
out, you drive off into the night.
You tell Marta later of what was it,
feeling an overwhelming sense of...

MARTA
Clarity. That he has to make do for
himself from here on out.
119.


BLANC
Exactly.


EXT. NORFOLK ROADS - NIGHT OF PARTY

Ransom's Porsche SKIDS TO A STOP on the side of the empty
road. Sits idling.

BLANC (V.O.)
Marta. The will. Harlan. "You
won't get away with this." Do for
yourself. And a plan forms. A very
simple, very easy plan.

A beat. Then the Porsche roars into a skidding U-TURN and
drives back the way it came.


EXT. PRIVATE ROAD - NIGHT OF PARTY

Ransom's Porsche kills its lights and drives slowly down the
private road, hooking a left at the CARVED ELEPHANT that
marks the utility road.

BLANC (V.O.)
You return to the house, careful to
avoid the gate's security camera
range.


EXT. WOODS - NIGHT OF PARTY

The Porsche parked, Ransom hacks his way through the woods.

BLANC (V.O.)
Then on foot up towards the house,


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD - NIGHT OF PARTY

The party is still going on inside. Ransom slips through
the side gate, up towards the house, and up the trellis.

BLANC (V.O.)
You sneak in, up the trellis so as
not to be seen by the rest of the
family, who are still having their
party downstairs.
120.


INT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT OF PARTY

The painting wall swings aside, and Ransom climbs through,
leaving mud traces on the sill and the carpet. He heads
straight down the narrow hall and into Harlan's bedroom.
The party din from downstairs.

BLANC (V.O.)
What you need to do will take
moments. But it is essential you are
alone, and undetected.

Ransom disappears into the darkened doorway.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
You knew the medications Harlan took.
You knew what Marta would be
injecting him with that night. And
you knew if Marta was responsible for
his death, even unintentionally, the
slayer rule would nullify the changed
will, and you would get your share
back.


INT. HARLAN'S BEDROOM

Dark and still. Marta's medical bag, open. Ransom has
unwrapped two syringes and has the two vials out - the
Toradol and the morphine (the "good stuff.")

Using the syringes he extracts the liquid from both vials...
and then injects the liquids back into the opposite vials.
He SWITCHES THE MEDICATIONS.

BLANC (V.O.)
You use the syringes in the kit to
switch the liquids in the two
medication vials. And as a final
precaution, you take the Naloxone,
the life saving antidote.

Replacing the vials he takes an injection pen, closes the
bag up and leaves.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Ransom sneaks into Harlan's bedroom to switch the meds and save his inheritance.
Strengths "The tension effectively builds as the audience watches the plan unfold in real-time, and the reveal of Ransom's clever scheme is a satisfying twist."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is minimal and does little to develop the characters or themes."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and has a clear narrative arc. The tension gradually builds as Blanc lays out his theory to Ransom, and the action of Ransom sneaking into Harlan's room and switching the medication adds to the suspense. The use of voiceover from Blanc adds to the sense of mystery and intrigue.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. The dialogue between Ransom and Harlan feels a bit stilted and on-the-nose, serving mainly to provide exposition for Blanc's later theory. Additionally, some of the imagery, such as the "carved elephant," feels a bit heavy-handed and cliched.

Overall, though, this scene effectively builds tension and sets up the plot for later developments in the story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more visual description and action. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Show more of the characters' emotions and motivations. Right now, the dialogue feels a bit flat and repetitive in terms of what they're saying. Try to develop their personalities and feelings more fully in this scene.
- Add more physical details about the setting and the characters' actions. For example, show Ransom and Harlan's body language, facial expressions, and movement as they talk. Also describe the room more fully - what does it look like, smell like, feel like?
- Consider breaking up the scene into shorter segments, with more frequent cuts between different locations. Right now, there are only a few transitions between the small study, library, and different outdoor locations. Adding more visuals and transitions could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
- Show more of the stakes involved in this scene. Right now, it's not entirely clear why Ransom is so desperate to switch the medications and how he plans to benefit from it. Clarifying his motivations and the consequences of his actions could make the scene more suspenseful and compelling.



Scene 41 -  The Truth Unveiled
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LIBRARY

Marta is stunned, she can't even process this.

MARTA
No, no that's impossible.
121.


BLANC
It is the truth. Hand me that vial
of morphine, I'll show you.

Blanc has placed two identical vials on the table behind
Marta. Her mind is still spinning, she glances at them,
takes one and absently hands it to him.

MARTA
If he did that, if the meds were
switched, then when I got them mixed
up...
(oh my god)
I accidentally switched them back.
But then I gave Harlan

BLANC
The correct doses. Yes. But not
accidentally. I taped over the
labels of these two vials.

Blanc shows white tape over the one she just handed him.
Picks up the other vial, shows the same.

BLANC (cont'd)
The vials themselves are identical.
How did you know that this was the
morphine?

MARTA
I... just knew

BLANC
You knew because there is the
slightest, almost imperceptible
difference of tincture and viscosity
between the liquids. You knew
because you had done it a hundred
times. You gave him the correct
medication. Because you are a good
nurse.

MARTA
Then Harlan was...

BLANC
I'm sorry Marta. But yes. Harlan
was perfectly fine.

He unfolds the tox report and hands it to her.
122.


BLANC (cont'd)
His blood was normal. The cause of
death was truly, solely suicide, and
you are guilty of nothing but some
damage to the trellis and a few
amateur theatrics. In fact if he had
listened to you, he would be alive
today.

Marta is white as a ghost. She shudders, buckles over.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
My lord.

BLANC
A twisted web, and we are not
finished untangling it. Not yet.
Marta when Greatnana spotted you
climbing down the trellis she said


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD - NIGHT OF PARTY

Marta facing Greatnana, who says:

GREATNANA
Ransom? Are you back again already?

BLANC (V.O.)
Are you back again already, because
earlier that night -

CUT TO: the exact same scene but RANSOM hops down off the
trellis, and is startled by Greatnana staring at him.

GREATNANA
Ransom, you're back!

He puts his finger to his lips - shhh, and blows a kiss as
he walks off into the night.


INT. LIBRARY

Marta with her fingers on her temples, still unbelieving.

RANSOM
Marta c'mon.
(to Blanc)
This is stoopid with two o's and you
don't have a shred of evidence,
you're just spinning a fairy tale.
123.


BLANC
Not a shred no, just as we have no
real proof of Marta's mixing up the
vials so it's your word against -

RANSOM
You have her confession!

The sharpness of this makes Marta look at Ransom for the
first time.

BLANC
Ah right, we do have that. If you'll
indulge me, I'd like to spin a little
further.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE SIDE YARD - NIGHT OF PARTY - FLASHBACK

Moonlit, silent.

BLANC (V.O.)
Much later that night you would have
to come back to the house, to break
back in and retrieve the
incriminating tampered vials.

A dark figure, Ransom, approaches the side gate. But when
he opens it, the two dogs come bounding across the lawn,
barking loudly.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
However, this time the dogs were
outside. They barked. Waking Meg.

A light goes on upstairs. The dogs keep barking, paws on
the gate. Ransom backs off.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
No matter. You'll get the vials
tomorrow.


INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
Oh I can only imagine when you woke
up the next morning and got the news
not of a medical error and guilty
nurse, but of a slit throat and
suicide!? But I LOVE imagining it.
Confusion! Terror! What did you
feel? What did you think?
(MORE)
124.

BLANC (cont'd)
Well there's only one thing you could
have thought: That you underestimated
Ms. Cabrera, and that she covered up
her assumed crime by faking Harlan's
suicide. Yes?


INT. RANSOM'S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY

A nervous Ransom tears a clipping from the local newspaper
about Harlan's death, stuffs in it an envelope with a huge
fold of cash, and addresses it to Blanc. The New Yorker
profile open on the couch.

BLANC (V.O.)
So the circumstances are perfect for
the anonymous hiring of a me: you
know a crime has been committed by
Marta, you need her to be caught for
it, you cannot reveal how you know.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Blanc and Marta uncover the truth about Harlan's death while Ransom attempts to cover his tracks.
Strengths "Complexity in plot and characters, effective use of flashback, strong dialogue"
Weaknesses "Some moments of exposition-heavy dialogue"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and pacing. The tension and shock of the revelation are effectively delivered through the characters' reactions and the unfolding of events.

However, one area for improvement could be the use of flashbacks. The switch back and forth between present and past could be confusing for some viewers, especially if they are not paying close attention to the narration.

Also, while the dialogue between Blanc and Ransom adds another layer to the plot, it feels slightly forced and takes away from the impact of Marta's revelation. It might have been more effective to focus solely on Marta's story and let Blanc connect the final dots on his own.

Overall, this scene effectively concludes the mystery and ties together the various strands of the plot.
Suggestions 1. Consider the pacing: This scene contains a lot of information and a lot of reveals. To improve it, the pacing could be slowed down by breaking it up into smaller, more manageable parts. For example, you could break it up into two or three smaller scenes, each with its own dramatic beat.

2. Develop the characters: While the dialogue is strong, the scene could benefit from more developed characters. For example, Marta could be given more to do other than just react to information given to her. Perhaps she could actively try to defend herself or uncover new information.

3. Use visuals: While the dialogue is important, the scene could benefit from more visually interesting elements. Consider adding in more movement or use of props to make the scene more active and engaging.

4. Cut unnecessary dialogue: The scene could be tightened up by cutting unnecessary dialogue. For example, the dialogue between Blanc and Ransom could be shortened to just the important points.

5. Add emotional depth: While the dialogue reveals a lot of information, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth. Consider adding in more moments of character vulnerability or exploring the emotional impact of the information revealed.



Scene 42 -  The Final Act
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
Enter Benoit Blanc.

Elliott can't help but roll his eyes.

LIEUTENANT ELLIOTT
Alright Benny wrap it up.

BLANC
The body was discovered early the
next morning. The police, the
medical examiners, the family,
everyone swarms in,
(to Ransom)
and there is no possible way you can
get to Marta's medical bag to remove
the vials. You must wait for your
moment, when the investigation is
over and you know the house will be
empty. And that is why you missed
the funeral.


INT. THIRD FLOOR LANDING - AFTERNOON - FLASHBACK

Ransom bounds up the stairs, climbs under the POLICE TAPE
blocking Harlan's study, and enters.
125.


BLANC (V.O.)
there is no one home to wonder why
you're going into Harlan's study. Or
so you think. But the funeral... was
for family only.

Fran comes around the corner, spots Ransom and is about to
say something, but doesn't.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
Poor Fran. She witnessed you
tampering with Harlan's medication in
the medical bag. She did not know
what you were doing. But she knew
you were up to no good. And so her
mind begins to turn.

Ransom pockets the two incriminating vials from the medical
bag and replaces the Naloxone pen. When he stands to go she
retreats.


INT. LIBRARY

MARTA
Oh god that movie she told me about,
with Danica McKellar, that's what she
was talking about -

BLANC
She loved Harlan. She hates Ransom.
So the poor girl decides to test her
theory and make this asshole pay.
She gets a copy of the toxicology
report, I will be honest I have no
idea how

MARTA
She has a cousin - she told me, she
has a cousin who works as a
receptionist at the examiners office!

BLANC
Well voila. The numbers mean nothing
to her, but if Ransom is guilty its
existence is a threat, so she
photocopies the header and makes her
blackmail note.

MARTA
So why did she send it to me?
126.


BLANC
She did not. She sent it to Ransom.


INT. RANSOM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK

Ransom walks in sorting mail - finds the blank envelope,
reads the blackmail note inside, and slowly grins.

BLANC (V.O.)
And when Ransom first gets it, what
is his reaction? Elation! He still
thinks Marta gave Harlan the tampered
drugs! A blood tox report will prove
Marta's guilt!


INT. LIBRARY - DAY - FLASHBACK

The will reading, the family assembled. Ransom sits in
back, a sly smile on his face as the will is read.

BLANC (V.O.)
He goes to the will reading in high
spirits, ready to see the family tear
themselves apart, secure in the
knowledge that it will all be undone
when the tox report comes to light.
And then...


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Beers stacked up. Marta has just confessed. Ransom's face
is unreadable.

BLANC (V.O.)
Marta's confession. And everything
turns on its head. Now he realizes
that Marta has committed no crime,
and the tox report will prove her
innocence. The changed will is going
to stand. He has lost. Unless.


INT. LIBRARY

Blanc rounds on Ransom.

BLANC
Unless you decide.
127.


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Ransom giving Marta his pep talk -

RANSOM
...you're not giving up your family's
fortune!


INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
You are not giving up the family
fortune.


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

RANSOM
You've come this far!


INT. LIBRARY

BLANC
You have come this far. Just one
step further. Just one last act, in
for a penny, in for a pound. You
decide. You are in.

CLOSE ON: A lighter ignites a rag stuffed in a tin gas can.

THE CAN: Being thrown through a window in a brick wall.


INT. MEDICAL EXAMINERS OFFICE MORGUE - FLASHBACK

Empty, dark. The flaming can falls in slow motion from the
high window. Hits the floor, ignites.

BLANC (V.O.)
Step one: destroy all evidence of
Marta's innocence.

The flames dance in the reflection of a glass case of
refrigerated BLOOD SAMPLES.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
Step two:
128.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Blanc confronts Ransom about his involvement in Harlan's death and Ransom sets out to destroy evidence of Marta's innocence.
Strengths "The scene brings together the major plot threads of the story in preparation for the climax. The use of flashbacks helps to clarify events that occurred earlier in the story. The tension and suspense are palpable."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue rather than action or visual storytelling. The flashbacks can be confusing if the viewer isn't familiar with the previous scenes."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and compelling in terms of its plot development and pacing. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Blanc and Elliott could be more engaging. It feels like a quick exchange to introduce Blanc's character, but it could have more depth or humor to make it more memorable.

Secondly, there are a few moments where the narration by Blanc feels like exposition rather than organic dialogue. For example, when he explains how Fran witnesses Ransom tampering with Harlan's medication, this information could be revealed through the scene itself rather than a voiceover.

Finally, the scene jumps back and forth in time with flashbacks without any clear indication of when each one is happening. Adding some visual or auditory cues could help the audience keep track of the timeline more easily.

Overall, though, this scene is well-executed in terms of building tension and advancing the story. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even more effective.
Suggestions 1. The dialogue in the scene could be tightened up to make it more concise and to the point.
2. It could be helpful to add more action and visual cues to enhance the tension and drama of the scene. For example, showing Ransom's face after he reads the blackmail note can add more emphasis to his reaction.
3. Adding more sensory details to the scene can help the audience feel more immersed in the story. For example, describing the smell of gasoline from the can could make the scene more vivid and memorable.
4. The flashback scenes could also benefit from more visual cues to help distinguish them from the present day scenes. For instance, using different lighting or color grading could add more depth and contrast to the scenes.



Scene 43 -  Ransom's Attempt to Cover His Tracks
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. RANSOM'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT / DAY?

CLOSE ON: The BLACKMAIL NOTE - at the bottom is written
"1209 COLUMBUS ROAD 8AM" A hand TEARS this bottom part off,
then puts the top half in an envelope.

BLANC (V.O.)
Send Marta the anonymous email with a
late morning rendezvous time,

CLOSE ON: An email addressed to Marta being typed on a
phone, "1209 COLUMBUS ROAD 10AM"


INT. APARTMENT BACK HALLWAY - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Ransom creeps down the hall, slips the ENVELOPE into the
letter slot of Marta's door.

BLANC (V.O.)
and deliver her the blackmail note.


EXT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD - MORNING - FLASHBACK

Ransom's Porsche pulls up. He gets out, pulling on gloves.

BLANC (V.O.)
Step three: keep your appointment
with Fran.


INT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD - 8AM - FLASHBACK

Fran standing in the middle of the room, nervous. She turns
as Ransom walks in and strides towards her.

FRAN
I knew it. I knew you were a no good
son of a bitch, I knew Harlan
wouldn't have just killed himself.

RANSOM
Yes, you were right Fran.

Ransom sees the medical bag on the floor, kneels and pulls
something out of it.

FRAN
I knew you were guilty as shit. Now
you're gonna pay for it don't come
near me I'm warning you I -
129.


But he's upon her, hand over her mouth, stifling her scream
as he pushes the syringe into her neck and PUSHES THE
PLUNGER.

MINUTES LATER - her inert body in the chair. He fishes
through her pockets, finds the envelope, and takes the TOX
REPORT from it, leaves the empty envelope in her hands.

On his way out: lights the tox report on fire, drops it
burning next to Marta's bag. We stay with it as it burns
away.

BLANC (V.O.)
Now the board is set. Marta will get
the blackmail note. You will put the
pieces together for her - the tox
report, her one chance at getting
away with it all. You'll guide her
to the rendezvous. You'll make an
anonymous call to the police, they
will catch her there with the body
and the burned evidence. Marta will
be arrested for killing Fran... and
Harlan.


INT. LIBRARY

MARTA
Oh my god. She said -


INT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD - FLASHBACK

Marta holding Fran on the floor, her dying words -

FRAN
you... did this...


INT. LIBRARY

MARTA
She didn't say "you did this," she
wasn't talking about me, she said


INT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD - FLASHBACK

Exact same moment but this time we hear -

FRAN
Hugh... did this...
130.


INT. LIBRARY

MARTA
Hugh. Cause you made the help call
you Hugh. Cause you're an asshole.

BLANC
(to Ransom)
It would have worked. If we hadn't
brought you in for questioning, so
you could not make your anonymous
call. And if Fran had not stashed a
safety copy of the tox report.


INT. 1209 COLUMBUS ROAD - FLASHBACK

Marta turns away from the dying Fran.

BLANC (V.O.)
And if Marta had not outplayed you
once again.

Marta turns back, calls 911, gives mouth to mouth to Fran.

BLANC (V.O.) (cont'd)
By having a kind heart. By saving
Fran's life, though it meant her
losing the inheritance and going to
jail. She didn't play your game, she
saved Fran's life.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Ransom kills Fran in an attempt to cover up his involvement in Harlan's death and to frame Marta. He burns evidence and leaves behind the tox report to be found by Marta, but in the end, Marta outplays him by saving Fran's life.
Strengths "The tense atmosphere, the plot twists and turns, the character development"
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful"
Critique Overall, the scene is well-constructed and moves the plot forward in a clear and concise manner. However, there are a few elements that could be improved:

1. The dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose at times. For example, when Fran accuses Ransom of being involved in Harlan's death, his response is simply "Yes, you were right Fran." This feels like a missed opportunity for more interesting and nuanced dialogue.

2. The flashback structure is a bit confusing. It's not always clear when we're seeing a flashback and when we're back in the present. This could be clarified with some visual cues or timestamps.

3. The twist at the end (that Marta saved Fran's life) feels a bit contrived. It's not entirely clear why she would risk going to jail to save someone she barely knew. It might be more satisfying if her decision was motivated by something more personal or profound.

Overall, though, the scene is effective in building suspense and advancing the plot, and it sets up the final act of the film nicely.
Suggestions 1. Focus on the emotions: While the scene has strong elements of suspense, it could be improved by adding more emotion to it. The character of Marta could be shown to be more terrified or conflicted while she is typing out the email or putting the blackmail note together in the envelope.

2. Pacing: The scene could benefit with slightly better pacing - possibly cutting out a line or two, or adjusting the dialogue to make it sharper.

3. Showing rather than telling: Instead of voiceovers, the scene could be improved by showing more visuals that tell the story - for example, Ransom's expression of relief or satisfaction as he walks away from the burning evidence, or Marta's face as she hears Fran's dying words.

4. Character development: The scene could be improved by showing more character development. For instance, Ransom's character could be explored further to add more depth to his actions, or the character of Fran could be given more backstory.

5. More tension: The scene could be made more suspenseful by adding more tension, such as showing Ransom's movements in slow motion as he goes about his plan, or having the camera focus on the burning evidence or Marta's panicked breathing.



Scene 44 -  Ransom's Confession
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LIBRARY

For the first time, Ransom looks afraid.

RANSOM
Fran's alive?

Marta's phone starts to ring. They all see the caller id -
it's the hospital.

BLANC
(to Marta)
Oh yes. Fran, who will confirm this
fairy story or something close to it.
(to Ransom)
And will send you to jail.

She answers the call, puts the phone to her ear.
131.


MARTA
Yes.

A long beat, then her face breaks in relief.

MARTA (cont'd)
Yes. Thank you doctor, that's great
news, we'll be there soon.

She hangs up. And smiles with radiant joy.

MARTA (cont'd)
Oh thank god.
(to Blanc)
She's ready to talk.

Ransom stares at Marta, his face a mask.

BLANC
Trooper Wagner, if you would keep Mr.
Drysdale in custody while Lieutenant
Elliott, Ms. Cabrera and myself go to
the hospital to take Fran's
statement.

Ransom stands. Steps to Marta, who's frozen, looking in his
eyes. His poker face breaks. And he grins.

RANSOM
I want to say this just to you, not
to a courtroom of cameras, just to
you because you know it's the truth:
we allowed you into our home. We
allowed you to take care of granddad,
to be part of our family and now you
think you can steal it from us? You
think I'm not going to fight for our
birthright, our home, our ancestral
family home?

BLANC
Harlan bought this house in the
eighties. From a Pakistani real
estate baron.

RANSOM
Oh go to hell, you child. You think
you got me cause Fran's alive. But
Fran's alive, so what have you got me
for? So I get attempted murder -
(MORE)
132.

RANSOM (cont'd)
(to Blanc)
I stuck the needle in her chest by
the way, but your version is better,
I should have done the neck -
(to Marta)
I get arson for the bombing, maybe a
few other charges, with a good lawyer
I'll be out before you know it.

Face to face, Ransom's face hateful, Marta's strong and set.

RANSOM (cont'd)
And then you'll see just how much
hell I can wreak on your life, you
vicious little bitch.

But then... Marta's face starts to do things. Odd things.
Convulses. Her jaw clenches. Her cheeks bulge.

And the PROJECTILE VOMITS into Ransom's face.

RANSOM (cont'd)
AUGH! WHAT THE SHIT!

He falls back cursing, she drops to her knees, spitting.
Wagner, inappropriately excited:

WAGNER
Oh my god that means she was lying!

MARTA
Yes, Fran's dead.
(to Ransom)
And you just confessed to her murder.

Ransom takes this in. Then he smirks.

RANSOM
Well. In for a penny...

In one fluid motion he spins to the ornamental WALL OF
KNIVES, grabs one -

BLANC
No!

and TACKLES MARTA...

Time slows as Blanc and Elliott lunge to stop him but it's
too late -

Ransom and Marta fall together, his arm arcing down
133.


And as the they hit the ground his arm comes down

PLUNGING THE KNIFE UP TO THE HILT IN HER CHEST.

They lie still, breathing hard. Her eyes wide with pain and
horror. His cold and wild.

But then she blinks. Squints.

And he cocks his head. Realizing something.

Withdraws the knife from her chest.

Its fake blade had retracted into the handle. It's a
theatrical prop.

He pumps it up and down a few times, the spring making a
pathetic toy noise.

Ransom smirks.

RANSOM
Shit

And is VIOLENTLY TACKLED out of frame by Trooper Wagner.

Leaving Marta lying on her back. Blanc shouting if she's
alright, Elliott and Wagner wrestling Ransom into cuffs, it
all fades into the background as she holds the knife and
stares at the ceiling.


INT. SMALL STUDY

CLOSE ON: Harlan's old baseball being set carefully back in
place.

By Linda. She's about to leave, but she notices the pink
envelope on the desk. Picks it up, takes out the blank
note. Seems to recognize it, and smiles sadly.


EXT. THROMBEY ESTATE FRONT DRIVE - LATER

Linda comes outside and joins the family.

Several more police cars, and an ambulance. Ransom is
loaded into the cop car. His family are held at bay by
officers, but they react in different ways -

Richard yelling at the cops. Walt sobbing, Donna collapsed
against him, Jacob on his phone.
134.


Joni staring into space, ruined. Meg talking to Lieutenant
Elliott, crying. She's just learned about Fran.

Linda watches the circus, strangely disconnected, going to
light a cigarette. With a strange smirk, she uses the flame
to warm the blank note from the office, and HIDDEN WRITING
starts to appear - a note from her father. Their secret
communication. As the letters appear, her face changes.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Ransom tries to intimidate Marta, but ends up getting vomited on. Marta tricks Ransom into confessing to murder and is then attacked by him with a prop knife. Ransom is arrested and Marta is left holding a note from her deceased father.
Strengths "Intense showdown between Ransom and Marta. Clever twist with the fake knife. Emotional impact of Marta holding her father's secret note."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels forced and cliched. Some plot points feel rushed."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written, suspenseful, and contains a major reveal. The dialogue is strong and each character's personality is distinct. The tension is built up effectively, especially with Ransom's confession and Marta's sudden vomiting. The twist with the fake knife and Ransom's subsequent arrest is also a nice touch.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon. The action is a bit confusing at times, especially when the characters are tackling each other and the camera direction is not clear. Additionally, the emotions of the characters seem a bit jarring - Ransom's sudden change from villain to comedic relief is a bit abrupt, and it's hard to read Marta's feelings after being stabbed.

Overall, this scene is successful in building suspense and delivering a twist, but could benefit from a bit more clarity in action and emotion.
Suggestions To improve this scene, I would suggest focusing more on the emotional reactions of the characters rather than the action. Some ideas could include:

1. Expanding on Ransom's fear and disbelief that Fran is alive, and how that realization affects him
2. Giving Marta more agency in the scene rather than simply reacting to Ransom's words
3. Showing how the other characters, especially the Thrombeys, are reacting to the news that Fran is dead and Ransom has confessed to her murder
4. Perhaps adding a moment of mourning or reflection for Fran, as well as exploring the family dynamics and how they've been shattered by these events

Overall, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development rather than relying on shock value and action.



Scene 45 -  The Final Confrontation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM

Marta sits, a blanket over her shoulders. An officer who's
just taken her statement walks away. Blanc approaches.

MARTA
Can I ask. At what point did you
suspect I had something to do with
Harlan's death?

BLANC
From the moment you first set foot in
front of me.

Taps her shoe. The tiny, faded spot of blood.

MARTA
Oh my god.

BLANC
I want you to remember something very
important: you won not by playing
the game Harlan's way, but yours.

Through the window she sees the family outside.

MARTA
I should help them. Right?

BLANC
I have my own opinion. But I have a
feeling you'll follow your heart.

He gives her a wink, and strolls off.


INT. FOYER - LATER

Marta shuffles to the front doorway. One last glance at
Harlan's portrait, its grin now gentle and content.
135.


EXT. FRONT PORCH / BALCONY

She stands on the threshold. Sees Blanc get into the front
door of a cruiser, and it drives off - Ransom in the back.
He looks back at her through the window.

The family out on the lawn. Not sure where to go or what to
do. They all turn to see: Marta standing very small, but
somehow not, in the doorway of her house.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Blanc assures Marta of her victory while the family waits outside. Marta leaves the house and watches Blanc arrest Ransom. She stands tall despite the chaos around her.
Strengths "The tension and dramatic resolution are the strengths of the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene ends abruptly and leaves some unanswered questions."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have personal opinions or emotions. However, I can offer some feedback on the scene:

Overall, the scene is well-written with clear dialogue and actions. The tension builds as Blanc reveals that he suspected Marta all along, and there is a sense of resolution as Marta comes to terms with her role in Harlan's death and decides to help the family. The imagery of the portrait and the family on the lawn adds a nice touch of symbolism.

One potential area for improvement is to provide more context and backstory for the characters and their motivations. Viewers may be confused about why Blanc suspected Marta or why Marta feels the need to help the family, especially if they are not familiar with the earlier parts of the story.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual details and description to enhance the atmosphere and emotions. For example, describing the lighting or the way Marta's voice sounds when she asks about Blanc's suspicion can create a stronger impact on the audience.

Overall, this scene has good potential, but it would be even stronger with more clarity and sensory details.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the tension: Right now, the scene feels a bit flat. We know that Marta has been cleared of suspicion, but there is no sense of danger or urgency. To make the scene more exciting, consider adding a twist or surprise that makes the audience question whether Marta is really safe.

2. Develop the relationship between Marta and Blanc: Throughout the movie, Blanc has been portrayed as a detective who is always one step ahead. However, we don't see much interaction between him and Marta in this scene. To make their relationship more interesting, consider adding some dialogue or actions that show their dynamic and reveal more about each character.

3. Provide closure for the family: The scene ends with Marta standing in the doorway, but we don't see what happens next. Does she go out and comfort the family? Does she say goodbye to them? To provide closure for the audience, consider adding an additional scene that shows Marta interacting with the family one last time. This will also give Marta's character a chance to show empathy and compassion, which will make her more relatable to the audience.