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Scene 1 -  Job Interview at the Overlook Hotel
EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAIN (U.S.A.) - DAY - L.S.

Lake and Mountains. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD past island in
lake.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD - DAY - L.S.

High Angle V.W. Car moving along road - CAMERA TILTS UP with
it.

CUT TO:

EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS & ROAD - DAY - L.S.

Mountains and Road - V.W. Car moves away along road - CAMERA
TRACKS after it.

CUT TO:

L.S. V.W. Car moving away along road - CAMERA TRACKS after
it and passes car - TRACKING FORWARD to Mountains in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. High Angle V.W. Car moves away along road - CAMERA
TILTS UP with it. Car goes into tunnel and comes out other
side. CAMERA TRACKS after car.

CUT TO:

L.S. V.W. Car moves along road. CAMERA TRACKS after it.
Mountains in b.g.

CUT TO:

L.S. High Angle V.W. Car moving away along road. Mountain
in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS after car.

CUT TO:

L.S. Mountain - CAMERA TRACKS IN on Hotel.

CUT TO:

Black Frames.

THE INTERVIEW.

CUT TO:
2.


INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

Jack walks L-R across Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS BACK & PANS with
him to RECEPTIONIST behind desk.

JACK
Hi, I've got an appointment with Mr.
Ullman. My name is Jack Torrance.

RECEPTIONIST
His office is the first door on the
left.

JACK
Thank you.

JACK moves away R-L. CAMERA PANS with him and TRACKS IN
after him through Secretary's office to open door of ULLMAN's
office - revealing ULLMAN seated at desk with SECRETARY
standing beside him.

JACK
Mr. Ullman?

ULLMAN
Yes?

JACK
I'm Jack Torrance.

ULLMAN
Oh, well - come on in Jack.

ULLMAN stands up and hands book to SECRETARY, walking round
side of desk. JACK moves into office. CAMERA TRACKS IN
after him. He shakes hands with ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
Very nice to meet you.

JACK
Nice to meet you, Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN points to SECRETARY.

ULLMAN
This is my secretary, Susie.

SECRETARY
Hallo.

JACK
Susie, how do you do?
3.


ULLMAN
Have any trouble finding us?

JACK
Oh, no problem at all. I made the
trip in three and a half hours.

ULLMAN
Well, that's very good time, very
good. Please sit down a minute.

ULLMAN points to chair cam.R. JACK sits cam.R.f.g. ULLMAN
walks behind desk.

ULLMAN
JAck, just make yourself at home.
Would you like some coffee?

JACK
Well, if you are going to have
some, I wouldn't mind. Thanks.

ULLMAN
Susie.

SECRETARY
Sure.

ULLMAN
Oh, and would you ask Bill Watson
to join us?

SECRETARY
Yes, I will.

ULLMAN sits behind desk. SUSIE walks forward to R.f.g.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with a series of shots of a car journey leading to the Overlook Hotel. Jack Torrance, the protagonist, arrives for a job interview with Mr. Ullman, the hotel manager, and his secretary. The setting is the hotel's grand lobby, and the tone is professional and polite. The dialogue consists of small talk and questions about Jack's background and qualifications. The scene ends with Jack and Ullman discussing the job offer as the camera tracks in on the hotel.
Strengths
  • Effective dialogue
  • Clear character introductions
  • Professional tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Subtle emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the tone and introduces key characters in a professional and suspenseful manner.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an interview for a job at a hotel sets the stage for potential conflict and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward as Jack arrives for his interview, setting up potential conflicts and mysteries.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds originality through the detailed descriptions and realistic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and interactions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced in a clear and engaging way, setting up their dynamics for future interactions.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character changes and developments, setting the stage for future arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to make a good impression and secure a job opportunity with Mr. Ullman. This reflects his desire for stability, success, and a fresh start.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to have a successful interview and potentially secure a job at the hotel. This reflects the immediate challenge of impressing the interviewer and securing employment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle undercurrent of potential conflict in the scene, setting up tension for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, with the potential for obstacles and challenges in the protagonist's job interview.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are subtly introduced, hinting at potential conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the interview is uncertain, and the protagonist's interactions with the interviewer and secretary add layers of complexity and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for a fresh start and the potential challenges and obstacles he may face in the new job. This conflict challenges his beliefs about his own abilities and the potential for a new beginning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is subtle but sets the stage for future character developments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is formal, polite, and sets the tone for the scene effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and anticipation surrounding the protagonist's interview, the detailed descriptions of the setting, and the realistic dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation, with smooth transitions between locations and engaging dialogue sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character introductions, and dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The scene lacks conflict and tension, and could be improved by adding some obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be improved by giving the characters more time to react to what has happened.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Make the dialogue more conversational by using contractions, slang, and other informal language.
  • Add some conflict and tension to the scene by giving the characters something to argue about or something to overcome.
  • Give the characters more time to react to what has happened at the end of the scene by adding a beat of silence or a moment of reflection.



Scene 2 -  Danny's Reluctance to Move to the Overlook Hotel
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING/BOULDER - DAY - L.S.

Apartment Building - cars parked in front of it. Mountain
in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS IN on Apartment Building.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK & WENDY'S APARTMENT IN BOULDER (USA) / LIVING
ROOM - DAY - M.L.S.

DANNY is sitting at table eating a sandwich. WENDY sitting
cam.R reading book.

DANNY
Mom...
4.


WENDY
Yeah.

DANNY
Do you really want to go and live
in that hotel for the winter?

WENDY
Sure, Danny, it will be lots of fun.

DANNY
Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, there's
hardly anybody to play with around
here.

WENDY
Yeah, I know. It always takes a
little time to make new friends.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY eating sandwich.

DANNY
Yeah, I guess so.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
What about Tony? He's looking
forward to the hotel, I bet.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY while eating sandwich wiggles forefinger of his
L.hand and speaks with different voice.

TONY
NO, I ain't Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Oh come on, Tony. Don't be silly.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY wiggles forefinger of L.hand and speaks with
different voice.
5.


TONY
I don't want to go there, Mrs.
Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Well, how come you don't want to go?

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY wiggles forefinger of L.hand and speaks with
different voice.

TONY
I just don't.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Well, let's just wait and see.
We're all gonna have a real good
time.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene takes place in Jack and Wendy's apartment and features Danny, Wendy, and Danny's imaginary friend Tony. Danny expresses his concerns about moving to the Overlook Hotel for the winter, and Wendy tries to reassure him and engage with Tony. The tone is calm and reassuring, with a hint of apprehension from Danny. The scene ends with Wendy trying to reassure Danny and Tony that they will all have a good time at the hotel.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Engaging family dynamic
  • Playful element with different voices for the child
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets up the family dynamic and introduces the audience to the main characters while hinting at potential conflicts to come. The dialogue feels natural and the interaction between the characters is engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family preparing to move to a remote hotel for the winter is intriguing and sets the stage for potential psychological and supernatural elements to unfold.

Plot: 7

The plot is simple but effective in establishing the family's situation and setting up potential conflicts. It sets the stage for the story to progress.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar theme of loneliness and change but approaches it with a fresh perspective through the use of subtle dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, with the mother showing a caring and optimistic attitude while the child expresses concerns and playfulness.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find friends and feel less isolated in their new environment. This reflects their deeper need for connection and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to adjust to their new living situation and make the best of it, despite feeling lonely.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is minimal in this scene, mostly revolving around the child's concerns about the upcoming move. However, it sets the stage for potential conflicts to arise in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the family dynamics and the anticipation of the upcoming move. However, it hints at potential higher stakes in the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the family's situation and hinting at potential conflicts to come. It sets the stage for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in character dynamics and the underlying tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between embracing change and resisting it. The protagonist's desire for new friends and experiences clashes with their fear of the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of concern and hopefulness from the characters, setting a tone for the emotional journey ahead. The use of different voices adds a playful touch.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue feels natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. The use of different voices for the child adds depth to the conversation.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable themes of loneliness and change, as well as the subtle character dynamics that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character emotions gradually.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional format for a domestic drama, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It's hard to believe that people would actually talk this way.
  • The scene lacks conflict. There is no tension or drama to keep the reader engaged.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about their personalities or motivations.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot. It's just a lot of exposition and small talk.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by at least a third without losing any important information.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add some conflict to the scene. This could be done by having the characters disagree with each other, or by having them face some kind of obstacle.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Cut down the scene by removing any unnecessary dialogue or exposition.
  • Consider adding some visual elements to the scene, such as a change in setting or a new character.



Scene 3 -  Job Offer and Hotel History
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/ULLMAN'S OFFICE - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK over ULLMAN seated at desk. BILL WATSON enter office.
JACK rises and shakes hands with him.

ULLMAN
Bill, I'd like you to meet Jack
Torrance.

WATSON
How do you do?

JACK
Bill, how do you do?

WATSON
Pleased to meet you.

JACK
Pleasure to meet you.

ULLMAN
Grab a chair Bill, and join in.
6.


WATSON & JACK sit down.

ULLMAN
Jack is going to take care of the
Overlook for this winter. I would
like you to take him around the
place as soon as we are through.

WATSON
Fine.

ULLMAN
Jack is a schoolteacher.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Eh - formerly a school-teacher.

WATSON (OFF)
What line of work are you in now?

JACK
I'm a writer um... Teaching has
been more or less a way of making
ends meet.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WATSON.

WATSON
Well this ought to be quite a
change for you.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, I'm looking for a change.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Our people in Denver recommended
Jack very highly, and, for once, I
agree with them.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN
7.


ULLMAN
Let's see, where were we? Yes. I
was about to explain that eh... our
season here runs from oh May 15th
to October 30th and then we close
down completely until the following
May.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Do you mind if I ask why you do
that? It seems to me that the
skiing up here would be fantastic.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Oh, it sure would be

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
but the problem is the enormous
cost it would be to keep the road
to the Sidewinder open. It's a...
It's a 25 mile stretch of road -
gets an average of 20 feet of snow
during the winter, and there's just
no way to make it economically
feasible to keep it clear. When
the place was built in 1907, there
was very little interest in winter
sports, and this site was chosen
for its seclusion and scenic beauty.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. ULLMAN over WATSON & JACK.

JACK
Well, it's certainly got plenty of
that.

JACK laughs.

ULLMAN
That's right. And did they give
you any idea in Denver about what
the job entails?
8.


JACK
Only in a very general way.

ULLMAN
Well...

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
...the winters can be fantastically
cruel, and the basic idea is
to...to cope with the very costly
damage and depreciation which can
occur. And this consists mainly of
running the boiler, heating
different parts of the hotel on a
daily rotating basis, repairing
damage as it occurs and doing
repairs, so that the elements can't
get a foothold.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, that sounds fine to me.

ULLMAN grunts off.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
Physically, it's not a very
demanding job. The only thing that
can get a bit trying up here during
the winter is eh... the tremendous
sense of isolation.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, that just happens to be
exactly what I'm looking for. I'm
eh... I'm outlining a new writing
project, and eh...
(MORE)
9.


JACK (CONT'D)
five months of peace is just what I
want.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
That's very good Jack, because eh...
for some people eh solitude and
isolation...

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
can of itself be a problem.

JACK
Not for me.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
How about your wife and son? How
do you think they'll take to it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
They'll love it.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Great...

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
Well, before I turn you over to
Bill, there is one other thing I
think we should talk about. I
don't want to sound melodramatic,
but it is something that's...
(MORE)
10.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
been known to give a few people
second thoughts about the job.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
I'm intrigued.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
I don't suppose they eh told you
anything in Denver about the
tragedy we had up here during the
winter of 1970?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK shakes his head.

JACK
I don't believe they did.

CUT TO:

M.S. BILL WATSON.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Well, my predecessor in this job

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
hired a man named Charles Grady, as
the winter caretaker. He came up
here with his wife and two little
girls of about eight or ten. And
he had a good employment record,
good references and from what I've
been told, I mean, he seemed like a
completely normal individual. But
at some point during the winter, he
must have suffered some kind of a
complete mental breakdown.
(MORE)
11.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
He ran amok and eh... killed his
family with an axe,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
stacked them neatly in one of the
rooms in the West Wing, and then he
um... then he put eh both barrels
of his shotgun in his mouth.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN sitting behind desk.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
The police eh... they thought that
it was what the old-timers used to
call cabin-fever, a kind of
claustrophobic reaction which can
occur when people are

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
shut in together over long periods
of time.

JACK
Well, that is eh quite a story.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Yes, it is. Oh, it's still hard
for me to believe that it actually
happened here, but it did and eh...
I think you can appreciate why I
wanted to tell you about it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.
12.


JACK
Ah, I certainly can, and eh... I
also understand why your people in
Denver left it for you to tell me.

JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

U.S. ULLMAN laughing.

ULLMAN
Well, obviously some people can be

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
put off by the idea of staying
alone in a place where something
like that actually happened.

JACK
Well, you can rest assured Mr.
Ullman, that's not going to happen
with me, and eg as far as my wife
is concerned, I am sure she'll be
absolutely fascinated when I tell
her about it. She's a confirmed
ghost story and horror film addict.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Jack meets the hotel manager, Ullman, and caretaker, Watson, at the Overlook Hotel. Ullman offers Jack the winter caretaker job, and Watson will show Jack around. Jack mentions being a writer, and Ullman shares the hotel's history, including a past tragedy where the caretaker killed his family. The scene is professional, informative, and foreshadows potential conflicts.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Building tension
  • Revealing important backstory
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of foreboding and mystery surrounding the Overlook Hotel, introducing a key conflict and providing important information to the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted hotel with a dark history and the potential psychological impact on the new caretaker is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances by introducing the main character to the challenges he will face at the hotel, setting up potential conflicts and building tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the haunted hotel trope by focusing on the psychological effects of isolation and past tragedies. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the sense of unease and mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with distinct personalities and motivations, setting the stage for potential character development and conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of the tragic backstory may foreshadow potential transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

Jack's internal goal in this scene is to find peace and solitude for his writing project, as he mentions that he is looking for a change and outlines a new writing project that requires five months of peace.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to understand the responsibilities and potential dangers of his new job as the winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is introduced through the revelation of the past tragedy and the potential dangers the new caretaker may face.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, as the protagonist is faced with the dark history of the hotel and the potential psychological challenges of isolation.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the warning about the previous caretaker's descent into madness, hinting at potential danger for the new caretaker and his family.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by providing essential information and setting up future conflicts and challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the revelation of the tragic events that occurred in the past, adding a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of isolation and the potential psychological effects it can have on individuals, as seen through the tragic story of the previous caretaker.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene creates a sense of unease and curiosity in the audience, but the emotional impact is not overwhelming.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and informative, revealing key information about the hotel's history and the caretaker's responsibilities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up a sense of mystery and foreboding, drawing the audience into the story and making them curious about the protagonist's future at the hotel.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, gradually revealing information about the hotel and the protagonist's new job.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character introduction and exposition, setting up the protagonist's internal and external goals effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It primarily consists of exposition and provides background information on the hotel and its history, but doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any significant way.
  • The dialogue is functional and informative, but it lacks emotional depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters' personalities or motivations.
  • The scene relies heavily on telling rather than showing. For example, Ullman narrates the tragic events that occurred at the hotel in 1970 instead of using dialogue or action to bring the story to life.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene feels somewhat static. There is a lack of tension or conflict to keep the reader engaged.
  • The characters are not particularly well-developed or memorable. Ullman comes across as a friendly and informative manager, but we don't learn much about his personality or his reasons for hiring Jack.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual details and cinematic techniques to make it more engaging and immersive for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to give it a clearer purpose and direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? How does it advance the plot or develop the characters?
  • Strengthen the dialogue by making it more revealing of the characters' personalities and motivations. Use subtext and emotional language to create a deeper connection with the reader.
  • Incorporate more action and sensory details to make the scene more immersive and visually engaging. Instead of having Ullman narrate the tragedy, consider using flashbacks or dream sequences to show the events as they happened.
  • Increase the pacing and tension by adding a conflict or obstacle that Jack must overcome. This could be an internal struggle, such as his doubts about the job, or an external challenge, such as a threat to his family.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them distinct personalities and motivations. Explore their fears, desires, and relationships with each other.
  • Consider incorporating cinematic techniques, such as camera angles, lighting, and sound effects, to create a more visually appealing and emotionally resonant scene.



Scene 4 -  Danny's Reluctance and Jack's New Job
INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY - M.S.

Shooting through open door - DANNY standing on stool at basin.

DANNY
Tony, do you think Daddy will get
the job?

TONY (OFF)
Yeah, he did. He's gonna phone
Wendy up in a few minutes to tell
her.

CUT TO:

INT. BOULDER KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

WENDY back to camera washing dishes at sink. PHONE RINGS
OFF. She dries her hand and puts carton in fridge. Then
moves L-R into Living Room - CAMERA PANS with her.
13.


She picks up telephone receiver.

WENDY
(into phone)
Hello.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK leaning on counter at reception desk, speaking into
phone.

JACK
(into phone)
Hi, babe.

WENDY
(over phone)
Hi, hon. How's it going?

JACK
(into phone)
Great. Look, I'm at the hotel and
I still have an awful lot to go
through. I don't think I can get
home before nine or ten.

CUT TO:

INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

WENDY sitting on back of chair phone to ear.

WENDY
(into phone)
Sounds like you got the job?

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK leaning on reception desk with phone to ear.

JACK
(into phone)
Right it's a beautiful place. You
and Danny are gonna love it.

INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY - M.S.

DANNY standing on stool by basin. He is reflected in mirror.
CAMERA TRACKS IN on his reflection in mirror.
14.


DANNY
Tony, why don't you want to go to
the hotel?

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
I don't know.

DANNY
You do too know, now come on tell me.

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
I don't want to.

DANNY
Please...

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
No.

DANNY
Now Tony, tell me.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the Boulder apartment, Danny, while washing hands, questions Tony about not wanting to go to the hotel. Tony evades the question. Wendy, over the phone, shares Jack's news of securing the job and their moving to a new place. Danny, who hears the conversation, asks Tony again, but Tony refuses to answer, leaving Danny's reluctance unresolved. The scene is hopeful and excited due to the new job, but Danny's behavior hints at underlying tension.
Strengths
  • Effective character development through dialogue
  • Intriguing setup for future events
  • Engaging tone and atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character changes in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main conflict and introduces key elements of the story, such as the hotel's dark history. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of moving to a remote hotel for the winter and the mention of a past tragedy create intrigue and set the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters discuss the job offer and the implications of moving to the hotel. The mention of the previous caretaker's tragic fate adds depth to the story.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and relationships through subtle interactions and unspoken emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are well-developed through their dialogue and actions. Jack's excitement and Wendy's reassurance provide insight into their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between the characters are established, setting the stage for potential development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand Tony's reluctance to go to the hotel. This reflects Danny's desire for clarity and connection with his friend.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to discuss the job opportunity with Wendy and share the news about the hotel. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their lives and the changes that may be coming.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Danny's reluctance to go to the hotel and Wendy's attempts to reassure him. The mention of the past tragedy adds a sense of foreboding.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The mention of the past tragedy and the characters' concerns about the move to the hotel raise the stakes and hint at potential dangers ahead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key information about the hotel, the characters' emotions, and the potential conflicts that may arise.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' nuanced emotions and the underlying tension in their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Danny's curiosity and Tony's reluctance, highlighting different approaches to facing unknown situations. This challenges Danny's belief in open communication and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including anxiety, reassurance, and excitement. The mention of the past tragedy adds a layer of tension.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. It sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, naturalistic dialogue, and subtle emotional tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of quiet reflection and building emotional tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and focused character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. It's unclear what the characters want or what they're trying to achieve.
  • The dialogue is exposition-heavy and lacks subtext. The characters are simply stating facts and information, rather than revealing their inner thoughts and feelings.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is too short. It doesn't give the audience enough time to get to know the characters or invest in their story.
  • The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what's going to happen next, which makes it less suspenseful.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear goal or conflict. What do the characters want? What are they trying to achieve?
  • Add subtext to the dialogue. What are the characters really thinking and feeling?
  • Use the scene to advance the plot or develop the characters. Give the audience new information or insights.
  • Make the scene longer. Give the audience more time to get to know the characters and invest in their story.
  • Make the scene less predictable. Surprise the audience with unexpected twists and turns.



Scene 5 -  Danny's Fainting Incident and Imaginary Friend
INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.L.S.

Shooting towards doors of lifts. Blood gushes in from
L.side of lift and in from corridors L. and R. of lift
doors - surging towards camera.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/CORRIDOR - M.S.

Two Little GRADY girls holding hands.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Blood gushing in from corridors L-R of lift doors and
surging towards camera.

CUT TO:
15.


INT. BOULDER APARTMENT - M.C.S.

DANNY screaming.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Blood gushing in from corridors L-R of lift doors and
surging forward. The blood gushes up into camera lens
causing black out.

DOCTOR (OFF)
Now hold your eyes still so that I
can see.

CUT TO:

INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/DANNY'S BEDROOM - DAY - M.S.

DOCTOR bending over DANNY lying on top of his bed. She is
examining his eyes. WENDY standing at foot of bed.

DOCTOR
That's good, now the other one.
Good boy.

DOCTOR straightens up. She puts instrument away in case and
closes it. Then she sits on bed beside DANNY.

DOCTOR
Now Danny, when you were brushing
your teeth, do you remember if you
smelled anything funny, or saw any
bright flashing lights, or anything
at all strange?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
No.

DOCTOR (OFF)
Do you remember when you were
brushing your teeth?

DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:
16.


M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. WENDY standing at
foot of bed.

DOCTOR
What's the next thing you remember
after you were brushing your teeth?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Mommy saying, 'Wake up, wake up,
wake up Danny, wake up.'

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. WENDY standing at
foot of bed.

DOCTOR
Now Danny, can you remember what
you were doing just before you
started brushing your teeth?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Talking to Tony.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Is Tony one of your animals?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
No. It's the little boy that lives
in my mouth.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Tony is his imaginary friend.
17.


DOCTOR (OFF)
Oh,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR (CONT'D)
if you were to open your mouth now,
could I see Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
No.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Why not?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Because he hides.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Where does he go?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
To my stomach.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Does Tony ever tell you to do things?

M.C.S. DANNY
18.


DANNY
I don't want to talk about Tony
anymore.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. She pats his leg
and stands up. WENDY at foot of bed.

DOCTOR
Okay. That's fine. All right Danny.

DOCTOR puts case and stethoscope in her shoulder bag.

DOCTOR
Now I'm going to ask you to do me a
favor, and stay quietly in bed for
the rest of the day. Okay?

DANNY
Do I have to?

DOCTOR
Yes, I'd like you to.

WENDY
We're just going to go into one of
the other rooms for a few minutes
and talk - then I'll come back and
check on you, okay?

DANNY
Okay.

DOCTOR
Goodbye.

WENDY & DOCTOR move R-L to open door. DOCTOR goes into the
corridor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Danny is examined by a doctor after fainting. The doctor checks Danny's eyes and asks about any unusual experiences, to which Danny reveals talking to his imaginary friend Tony. Wendy and the doctor discuss Danny's condition, and he is asked to rest for the day. The emotional tone is one of concern and curiosity.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Intriguing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a sense of mystery and danger, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young boy communicating with an imaginary friend who may have sinister motives adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances by revealing more about Danny's experiences and the potential supernatural elements at play, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of supernatural elements, psychological depth, and suspenseful atmosphere, creating an original and engaging narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Danny and his interactions with Tony, are intriguing and well-developed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Danny's revelation about Tony hints at a potential shift in his understanding of his imaginary friend, setting the stage for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Danny's internal goal in this scene is to avoid discussing his imaginary friend, Tony, and the potential influence Tony has on him. This reflects Danny's fear of the unknown and his desire to protect himself from potential harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow the doctor's instructions and stay quietly in bed for the rest of the day. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with his health and the doctor's authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying conflict between Danny's experiences and the adults' attempts to understand and help him, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Danny's reluctance to discuss Tony creates a sense of conflict and tension that adds depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the mysterious and potentially dangerous nature of Danny's interactions with Tony, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important information about Danny's experiences and sets up future developments, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the mysterious elements surrounding Danny's interactions with Tony, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of imagination and reality, as seen through Danny's interactions with Tony. This challenges Danny's beliefs about what is real and what is not, and how that influences his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and concern for Danny's well-being, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is cryptic and unsettling, enhancing the mysterious and suspenseful tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines suspenseful elements with intimate character moments, creating a sense of mystery and psychological depth that keeps the audience invested in the characters' experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, while also allowing for intimate character moments that reveal deeper fears and desires.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between different locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It starts with blood gushing into a hotel lobby, but it's not clear what this means or how it relates to the rest of the story.
  • The cuts between different locations and characters are confusing and disorienting. The audience is given no context or explanation for why these cuts are happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't do much to develop the characters or advance the plot.
  • The scene relies too heavily on visual effects to create suspense or shock value. While these effects can be effective in moderation, they can also become overwhelming and distracting.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the audience with no sense of resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear purpose and goal in mind. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What information do you want to convey to the audience?
  • Use cuts and transitions to create a smooth and coherent flow between locations and characters. Make sure that each cut serves a purpose and helps to advance the story.
  • Write dialogue that is natural and believable. It should reveal the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Use visual effects sparingly and only when they are necessary to enhance the story. Don't rely on them to create suspense or shock value.
  • Give the scene a satisfying ending that resolves the conflict or provides a sense of closure.



Scene 6 -  Doctor Examines Danny's Medical History
INT. CORRIDOR/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

DOCTOR standing in corridor. WENDY moves out of DANNY's
room and closes the door. She turns to DOCTOR.

WENDY
Shall we go into the living room?

DOCTOR
Yes.
19.


DOCTOR & WENDY walk forward along the corridor - CAMERA
TRACKS BACK before them and PANS R-L with them to Living
Room. WENDY points to sofa.

WENDY
Please...

DOCTOR
Thank you.

DOCTOR moves to sofa and sits down - WENDY sits in chair
cam.R.

DOCTOR
Mrs. Torrance, I don't think you
have anything to worry about. I'm
quite sure there is nothing
physically wrong with Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he seems
absolutely fine now, but you should
have seen him.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY. DOCTOR leans back on sofa.

DOCTOR
Oh I know. Kids can scare you to
death, but believe me these episodes
are not at all uncommon, and they
look much worse than they are.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY over DOCTOR.

WENDY
But eh what was the matter with him?

DOCTOR
Mrs. Torrance, most of the time
these episodes with kids are never
explained. They are brought on by
emotional factors, and they rarely
occur again.

CUT TO:
20.


M.S. DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
They're more akin to auto-hypnosis,
a kind of self induced trance. If
it re-occurs which I doubt

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY takes cigarette out of packet.

DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D)
you can always think about having
some tests done.

WENDY holds cigarette packet out towards DOCTOR.

DOCTOR (OFF)
No thank you.

She puts packet down on table.

WENDY
Oh, I'm...I'm sure you're right.

She lights cigarette from lighter.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
Have you been in Boulder long, Mrs.
Torrance?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Only about three months. Eh we're
from Vermont. My husband was
teaching school there.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Did the appearance of Danny's
imaginary friend...?

CUT TO:
21.


M.S. WENDY over DOCTOR.

WENDY
Tony.

DOCTOR
Did Tony's first appearance happen
to coincide with your arrival here?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
No, um let's see I guess Danny
started talkin to Tony about the
time we put him into nursery school.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY.

DOCTOR
Did he adjust well to school?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY - she shakes her head.

WENDY
No. He didn't like it too much at
first, and then he had an injury,
so we kept him out for a while,
and, yeah, I...I guess that's about
the time when I first noticed that
he was talking to Tony.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY.

DOCTOR
What sort of injury did he have?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Ah he dislocated his shoulder.

WENDY inhales.
22.


DOCTOR (OFF)
How did he manage to do that?

WENDY
Well it's just one of those things.
You know... purely an accident, um.
My husband had oh... been drinking,
and he came home about three hours
late, so he wasn't exactly in the
greatest mood that night. And well
Danny had scattered some of his
school papers all over the room...
and my husband grabbed his arm, you
know, and pulled him away from them.
It's...it's just the sort of thing
you do a hundred times with a
child - you know, in a park or on
the streets - but on this particular
occasion my husband just... used
too much strength and he injured
Danny's arm.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR

WENDY (OFF) (CONT'D)
Anyway, something good did come out
of it all because he said:

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY (CONT'D)
"Wendy, I'm never gonna touch
another drop and if I do you can
leave me", and he didn't and he
hasn't had any alcohol in eh five
months.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposed Title over:

CLOSING DAY.

CUT TO:
23.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Wendy and the Doctor move to the living room where the Doctor examines Danny's medical history and suggests that his episodes are likely caused by emotional factors. Wendy shares details about Danny's injury and how it led to Jack quitting alcohol. The scene ends with the introduction of the closing day of the Overlook Hotel. The conflict in this scene arises when Wendy expresses her concerns about Danny's health and the Doctor tries to reassure her that there is nothing physically wrong with him. The conflict is resolved when the Doctor suggests that the episodes are likely caused by emotional factors and are not uncommon in children. The emotional tone of this scene is one of concern and reassurance. The visual elements in this scene include Wendy and the Doctor walking along the corridor and sitting in the living room. Wendy also lights a cigarette during the conversation.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Dialogue depth
  • Psychological tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the dialogue and character interactions, setting the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring Danny's imaginary friend and the family's past trauma adds depth to the narrative and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the audience learns more about the characters' backgrounds and the potential challenges they may face in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and personal struggles, particularly through Wendy's candid recounting of her husband's alcoholism and its impact on their family.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion, especially in relation to past events and current concerns.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character growth and development, particularly in Wendy's reflections on past events and Jack's excitement about the new job.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to understand and address the root cause of Danny's behavior and to ensure his well-being. This reflects her deeper need to protect her son and maintain stability in their family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to seek medical advice and reassurance from the Doctor regarding Danny's condition. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a child's unexplained behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is underlying tension and potential conflicts hinted at in the scene, the conflict is more internal and psychological at this point.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Wendy facing internal and external challenges related to her son's behavior and her husband's past actions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the psychological and emotional challenges faced by the characters hint at potential risks and conflicts to come.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important background information and sets up future conflicts and developments, moving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations about Wendy's husband's past actions and their impact on the family dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of trust and responsibility within a family. Wendy's husband's past actions and the resulting injury to Danny highlight the consequences of alcohol abuse and the importance of accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empathy and concern for the characters, especially Danny, as they navigate past traumas and current challenges.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, providing insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings while moving the story forward.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters' interactions and the gradual reveal of personal histories and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing information gradually, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' stories.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-driven domestic scene, with clear character interactions and a gradual reveal of information.


Critique
  • While the scene is well-written and captures the essence of the characters' conversation about Danny's health and the circumstances surrounding his injury, it feels a bit clinical and could benefit from more emotional depth and tension.
  • The dialogue is mostly expository, providing information about Danny's medical history, his imaginary friend Tony, and the incident that led to his father quitting alcohol. This information is necessary but could be presented in a more engaging way.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict or stakes, which makes it feel a bit flat. The doctor's diagnosis that Danny's episodes are likely caused by emotional factors is presented as a matter-of-fact, without any sense of urgency or concern.
  • The character development is minimal in this scene, as it primarily focuses on the medical discussion rather than the characters' emotional states or the impact of the situation on their relationships.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow, with a lot of dialogue and exposition. This could be improved by trimming down some of the unnecessary details and moving the conversation along more quickly.
Suggestions
  • Explore the emotional impact of Danny's condition on Wendy and Jack. How are they coping with his episodes? What are their fears and concerns?
  • Introduce some conflict or tension to the scene, such as a disagreement between Wendy and the doctor about the best course of treatment for Danny.
  • Add more depth to the characters by exploring their motivations, backstories, and relationships. This could help the audience connect with them on a more emotional level.
  • Consider breaking up the exposition into smaller chunks and weaving it into the dialogue more naturally. This will make the scene feel less like a medical examination and more like a real conversation between two people.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting down on unnecessary dialogue and exposition. Move the conversation along more quickly to create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 7 -  The Torrance Family's Arrival at the Overlook Hotel
EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS - DAY - L.S.

High Angle Trees on side of Mountain - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
over them to Jack's car moving away along road.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S CAR - DAY - M.S.

WENDY sitting beside JACK as he drives along Mountain Road.
DANNY, between them, is leaning on backs of their seats.
WENDY yawns.

WENDY
Boy, we must be really high up.
The air feels so different.

JACK
Uh...huh.

DANNY
Dad?

JACK
Yes?

DANNY
I'm hungry.

JACK
Well you should have eaten your
breakfast.

WENDY
We'll get something as soon as we
get to the hotel, okay?

DANNY
Okay, Mom.

WENDY
Hey, wasn't it around here that the
Donner party got snowbound?

JACK
I think that was farther west in
the Sierras.

DANNY
What was the Donner party?
24.


JACK
There were a party of settlers in
the covered wagon times. They got
snowbound one winter in the
mountains. They had to resort to
cannabilism in order to stay alive.

DANNY
You mean they ate each other up?

JACK
They had to, in order to survive.

WENDY
Jack...

DANNY
Don't worry, Mom. I know all about
cannabilism, I saw it on T.V.

JACK
See, it's okay. He saw it all on
the television.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS - DAY - L.S.

High Angle JACK's car moving away along road on side of
mountain - CAMERA TRACKS after it.

CUT TO:

EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DAY - L.S.

Cars parked in front of Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Man cleaning floor. CAMERA TRACKS L-R. WATSON & ULLMAN
walk forward from b.g.

ULLMAN
What time does the plane leave?

WATSON
Eight thirty.

ULLMAN
Well, that still gives up plenty of
time to go over everything first.
25.


Two Girls carrying luggage enter cam.R and walk away to b.g.

GIRLS
Goodbye Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN
Goodbye.

ULLMAN & WATSON walk L-R to JACK sitting in chair.

ULLMAN
Good morning Jack. I hope you
haven't been waiting too long.

JACK
No problem. In fact we had time to
grab a bite to eat.

JACK stands up.

ULLMAN
Good. Glad you made it before they
shut down the kitchen. Is your
family having a look around?

JACK
No, my son's discovered the games
room.

ULLMAN
Oh... Has your luggage been brought
in?

JACK points to luggage.

JACK
Right there.

ULLMAN
Oh fine. Well in view of all the
ground that we to cover today, I
suggest we go and have a quick look
at your apartment and then get
started straight away.

ULLMAN turns to WATSON.

ULLMAN
Bill, would you have the Torrances'
things brought in their apartment.

WATSON
Fine.
26.


WATSON walks out cam.L.

JACK
I'd better collect my family first.

ULLMAN
Oh...

ULLMAN laughs and they move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Jack, Wendy, and Danny Torrance are driving through the Colorado mountains on their way to the Overlook Hotel, where Jack will be working as the caretaker for the winter. Danny expresses his hunger, and Wendy promises to find something for him to eat once they arrive at the hotel. Wendy brings up the Donner party, and Jack explains the historical event to Danny. The family eventually arrives at the hotel and meets the manager, Ullmann, who welcomes them and gives them a tour. The tone of the scene is positive and lighthearted, with some moments of apprehension as the family approaches the hotel.
Strengths
  • Establishes atmosphere effectively
  • Introduces key elements of the story
  • Sets up potential conflicts and mysteries
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more emotionally resonant
  • Character depth and development could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the atmosphere and introduces key elements of the story, creating intrigue and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family moving to a remote hotel with a dark history is intriguing and sets the stage for psychological and supernatural elements to come.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward by introducing the family to the hotel and hinting at past tragedies, setting up potential conflicts and mysteries.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the family road trip genre by incorporating historical references and philosophical themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced in a way that hints at their relationships and potential conflicts, but more depth and development could enhance the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, especially in Danny's interactions with his imaginary friend, but more development is needed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and control over his family, despite the unsettling conversation about cannibalism. This reflects his desire to protect his family and shield them from the darker aspects of the world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to settle into the hotel and begin his new job as the caretaker. This reflects his immediate circumstances and the challenges of starting a new chapter in his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly hinted at through the mention of past tragedies and the family's move to the isolated hotel, setting up potential tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the conversation about cannibalism and the protagonist's new job.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are subtly hinted at through the mention of past tragedies and the family's move to the isolated hotel, creating a sense of potential danger and suspense.

Story Forward: 7

The scene effectively sets up the story by introducing key elements and hinting at potential conflicts, moving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces dark themes and historical references in a seemingly mundane setting, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of survival and the lengths people will go to in order to stay alive. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and the human condition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with hints of concern and curiosity from the characters, but more emotional depth could enhance the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is informative and sets the tone for the scene, but could benefit from more depth and emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up a sense of mystery and tension, drawing the audience in with its blend of ordinary family dynamics and ominous foreshadowing.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing slower moments of family interaction with faster-paced dialogue and transitions between locations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts with establishing shots of the Colorado mountains and Jack's car driving along a road, but these shots feel somewhat generic and do not provide a strong sense of place or atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between Jack, Wendy, and Danny in the car is somewhat stilted and unnatural, and it does not reveal much about their characters or relationships.
  • The reference to the Donner party feels like a forced attempt to add historical context and foreshadowing, but it comes across as somewhat heavy-handed and unnecessary.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, and it is not clear what the main conflict or objective is.
  • The transition to the exterior of the Overlook Hotel is abrupt and jarring, and it would be more effective to have a smoother transition that connects the two scenes.
  • The dialogue between Ullman and Watson in the lobby is functional but uninspired, and it does not provide much insight into their characters or the hotel's history.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a more specific and evocative establishing shot of the Overlook Hotel, capturing its unique architecture and isolated location.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jack, Wendy, and Danny to make it more natural and revealing, showcasing their individual personalities and the dynamics of their family.
  • Consider removing the reference to the Donner party or finding a more subtle way to foreshadow the events of the film without resorting to heavy-handed exposition.
  • Establish a clear goal or objective for the scene, such as having Jack and Ullman discuss the terms of Jack's employment or having the family explore the hotel grounds.
  • Create a smoother transition between the car scene and the lobby scene, perhaps by using a dissolve or cross-fade to connect the two locations.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ullman and Watson to make it more engaging and informative, providing more background on the hotel and its history.



Scene 8 -  The Torrances' Guided Tour of the Overlook Hotel: A Glimpse into History and Foreshadowing of Future Events
INT. HOTEL/COLORADO LOUNGE - DAY - M.L.S.

ULLMAN, followed by WENDY, JACK & WATSON, moves out of lift
cam.R. They walk R-L across Lounge. CAMERA TRACKS with them.

ULLMAN
This is our Colorado Lounge.

WENDY
Oh, it's beautiful.
(to Jack)
My God, this place is fantastic,
isn't it hon?

JACK
Sure is.

WENDY
God, I've never seen anything like
this before. Are all of these
Indian designs authentic?

ULLMAN
Yes, I believe they are based
mainly on Navajo and Apache motifs.

WENDY
Oh well they're really gorgeous.
As a matter of fact this is probably
the most gorgeous hotel I've ever
seen.

ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Oh this old place has had an
illustrious past. In its heyday it
was one of the stopping places for
the jet set,

They reach corner and turn, walking towards camera.
27.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
even before anybody knew what a jet
set was. We've had four presidents
who stayed here, lots of movie stars.

WENDY
Royalty?

ULLMAN
All the best people.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL GAMES ROOM - DAY - M.C.S.

DANNY throwing darts - CAMERA TRACKS BACK & PANS L-R with
him as he walks to the dartboard. He climbs up on chair and
pulls two darts out. He looks cam.L. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on him.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY girls, holding hands, standing near open door.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY girls, holding hands. They look at one
another, then turn and exit out through open doorway.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/CARETAKER'S APARTMENT CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN leads WENDY & JACK forward along corridor to
Caretaker's Apartment.

ULLMAN
This is the staff wing of the hotel.
None of the other bedrooms are
heated during the winter.

WENDY
Oh!

Two Girls carrying bags enter from cam.L.
28.


GIRLS
Goodbye Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN
Goodbye girls.

ULLMAN waves to Girls and moves cam.R into JACK's apartment.
WENDY & JACK follow him.

ULLMAN
And here are your quarters.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/JACK'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, followed by WENDY and JACK, move up steps. ULLMAN
points to open door cam.R.

ULLMAN
Living Room, bedroom, bathroom, and
a small bedroom for your son.

JACK leans forward and looks in small bedroom cam.L. He
turns and looks cam.R. at ULLMAN.

JACK
Perfect for a child.

WENDY
Yeah.

ULLMAN
Yes.

They move into apartment. JACK & WENDY move away through
living room into bedroom - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Well the place is very nicely self-
contained, easy to keep.

JACK feels bed.

JACK
Cosy.

JACK & WENDY move away and enter bathroom - CAMERA TRACKS
after them.
29.


ULLMAN (OFF)
Yes, very cosy for a family, and if
you feel like spreading out you
have the rest of the hotel to move
around in.

JACK
Well, it's very... homely.

WENDY
Yeah.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOTEL/THE MAZE - DAY - L.S.

ULLMAN leading WENDY, JACK & WATSON R-L along outside of
Maze. CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with them.

ULLMAN
This is our famous hedge maze.
It's quite an attraction around
here. The walls are thirteen feet
high and the hedges are about as
old as the hotel itself. It's a
lot of fun,

They walk from end of Maze towards Hotel in b.g.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
but I wouldn't go in there unless I
had an hour to spare to find my way
out.

Laughter.

WENDY
When was the Overlook built?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. ULLMAN leads WENDY, JACK & WATSON L-R along front of
Hotel - CAMERA TRACKS with them.

ULLMAN
Ah... construction started in 1907.
It was finished in 1909. The site
is supposed to be located on an
Indian burial ground, and I believe
they actually had to repel a few
Indian attacks as they were building
it.

ULLMAN points to red Snowcat at entrance of garage.
30.


ULLMAN
That's our Snowcat. Can you both
drive a car?

JACK & WENDY
(together)
Yes.

They walk towards SNOWCAT.

ULLMAN
That's fine because basically the
Snowcat operates very much like a
car and it won't take you long to
get the hang of it.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary The scene commences in the Colorado Lounge of the Overlook Hotel, adorned with Native American designs. Ullman, the hotel manager, conducts a tour for the Torrance family, emphasizing the hotel's historical significance and renowned guests. Danny is spotted in the Games Room, sharing space with two unidentified girls. The Torrances are subsequently shown their apartment, and the hotel's proximity to a hedge maze is pointed out by Ullman. Although no explicit conflicts arise, there are hints at potential future strife, such as Danny's possible isolation and the hotel's immense size, which could adversely affect Jack's mental health. The tone of the scene is informative and optimistic, with Ullman proudly sharing anecdotes about the hotel's past guests, and the Torrances expressing their admiration for the hotel's beauty. The visuals consist of the Native American designs in the Colorado Lounge, Danny in the Games Room, the Grady girls, and the Torrances exploring their new apartment. The scene concludes with Ullman guiding the Torrances towards the Snowcat, stored in a garage.
Strengths
  • Effective world-building
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Historical background
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the rest of the story, introducing key locations and historical background while maintaining a sense of mystery and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a grand and enigmatic hotel with a dark past is engaging and sets up the atmosphere for the unfolding events.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the main setting and providing crucial information about the hotel's history, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a hotel but adds originality through the historical background, cultural references, and subtle hints of supernatural elements.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced in a natural and believable way, showcasing their reactions to the hotel and hinting at potential conflicts to come.

Character Changes: 4

There are no significant character changes in this scene, as it mainly serves to establish the setting and background information.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel comfortable and at home in their new living quarters, reflecting their desire for stability and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to familiarize themselves with the hotel and its amenities, reflecting their immediate need to adapt to their new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there are hints of potential conflicts in the background, the scene itself is more focused on exposition and setting the stage.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with hints of potential conflicts and challenges that add depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

While the scene hints at the dark history of the hotel and potential conflicts to come, the stakes are not yet fully established.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing essential information about the hotel and setting up future events and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the hints of supernatural elements, the mysterious history of the hotel, and the potential conflicts that may arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for a sense of belonging and the potentially ominous history of the hotel being built on an Indian burial ground.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is minimal in this scene, as the focus is more on introducing the setting and characters rather than evoking strong emotions.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is informative and serves the purpose of introducing the audience to the hotel and its history, but lacks depth or emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the intriguing setting, and the gradual buildup of tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of exposition, character development, and suspenseful moments that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with smooth transitions between locations and engaging dialogue that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene is overly descriptive and lacks action or dialogue. For example, the description of the Colorado Lounge's Indian designs and the hotel's illustrious past is unnecessary and does not add to the story.
  • The scene lacks focus and meanders from one topic to another. For example, Ullman talks about the hotel's famous hedge maze, then mentions its construction date, and then points out the Snowcat.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. For example, Wendy's line, "Oh, it's beautiful" and Jack's line, "Sure is" are not believable.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters. The characters simply walk around the hotel and make small talk.
Suggestions
  • Cut the unnecessary description and focus on the essential details.
  • Give the scene a clear focus and stick to it.
  • Write more natural and believable dialogue.
  • Add action or dialogue that advances the plot or develops the characters.



Scene 9 -  Welcoming the New Caretakers: A Tour of the Gold Ballroom
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM/CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, JACK, WATSON & WENDY walk forward along corridor -
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

ULLMAN
As a matter of fact we eh...
brought a decorator in from Chicago
just last year to refurbish this
part of the hotel.

WENDY
Oh well he sure did a beautiful job.
Pink and gold are my favorite colors.

ULLMAN leads WENDY, JACK & WATSON L-R into Gold Ballroom -
CAMERA TRACKS with them. Men in b.g. cleaning Ballroom.

ULLMAN
Oh...well this is our gold ballroom.

WENDY
Oh, I'll say.

ULLMAN leads them L-R across Ballroom to closed bar.

ULLMAN
We can accommodate up to three
hundred people here very comfortably.

WENDY
Boy, I bet you we could really have
a good party in this room, huh hon?
31.


ULLMAN
I'm afraid you're not going to do
too well here unless you've brought
your own supplies. We always
remove all the booze from the
premises when we shut down:

He points to shuttered bar.

ULLMAN
that reduces the insurance that we
normally have to carry.

DICK HALLORAN walks forward from b.g.

JACK
We don't drink.

ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Well then, you're in luck.

ULLMAN waves to HALLORAN/

ULLMAN
Oh Dick, come on over and say hello
to Mr. and Mrs. Torrance.

HALLORAN
Sure.

ULLMAN
This is Dick Halloran, our Head Chef.

JACK shakes hands with DICK.

JACK
Mr. Halloran, I'm Jack, and this is
my wife, Winifred.

HALLORAN
Glad to meet you, Jack.

HALLORAN shakes hands with WENDY.

HALLORAN
Glad to meet you, Winifred.

WENDY
Nice to meet you.
32.


ULLMAN
The Torrances are going to take
care of the Overlook for us this
winter.

HALLORAN
Oh, that's just great. How do you
folks like our hotel so far?

WENDY
Oh it's just wonderful.

WENDY waves out cam.L.

WENDY
Hi Danny!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary In this friendly and welcoming scene, Ullman, the hotel manager, shows Jack, Wendy, and their son Danny around the gold ballroom. Ullman explains the ballroom's capacity and mentions the removal of booze to reduce insurance. They are joined by Dick Halloran, the head chef, who shakes hands with Jack and Wendy. Ullman introduces the Torrances as the new caretakers of the hotel for the winter. The scene takes place in the hotel ballroom and corridor during the day and ends with Wendy waving at someone off-screen.
Strengths
  • Detailed setting description
  • Establishing tone and atmosphere
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Low character development
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the rest of the story by providing crucial information about the hotel and its history while maintaining a sense of suspense and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing the setting of the Overlook Hotel through a tour is engaging and helps establish the atmosphere of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the Torrance family arrives at the hotel and begins to interact with the staff, setting the stage for future events.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces unique characters and settings, with authentic dialogue that adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced and their interactions with each other and the hotel staff provide insight into their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it mainly focuses on introducing the characters and setting.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to impress Ullman and Halloran with their professionalism and suitability for taking care of the Overlook during the winter.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure the job of taking care of the Overlook for the winter season.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a low level of conflict in this scene, mostly centered around the unease of the hotel's history and the removal of alcohol.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, adding layers to the character interactions and hinting at potential conflicts to come.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with hints of the hotel's dark history and the potential challenges the Torrance family may face during their stay.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the setting of the Overlook Hotel and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable due to the subtle conflicts and hidden motivations of the characters, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters who drink and those who don't, reflecting different values and lifestyles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with a sense of unease and curiosity building as the scene progresses.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and helps to establish the relationships between the characters and the hotel staff.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters and the subtle tension underlying their conversations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and establishes character dynamics effectively, contributing to the overall narrative flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-driven interaction, effectively setting up character dynamics and plot points.


Critique
  • The scene is primarily focused on describing the ballroom and the hotel's amenities, which while providing some exposition, lacks depth and character development.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional, serving to introduce the characters and provide information about the hotel, but it doesn't reveal much about their personalities or motivations.
  • The characters' movements and interactions are not described in detail, making it difficult to visualize the scene or understand the relationships between the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, which makes it feel like a filler and doesn't advance the plot or character arcs.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific goal or task for the characters to accomplish in the ballroom, such as selecting a spot for a party or discussing menu options with the chef.
  • Explore the characters' personalities and motivations by incorporating more revealing dialogue or actions. For instance, have Wendy express her excitement about hosting events in the ballroom, or show Jack asking detailed questions about the hotel's history.
  • Enhance the description of the characters' movements and interactions to make the scene more visually engaging. Describe their body language, gestures, and facial expressions to convey their thoughts and feelings.
  • Add a touch of tension or conflict to the scene by introducing a minor obstacle or disagreement. This could create a more dynamic and engaging interaction between the characters.



Scene 10 -  Welcome Tour of the Hotel Kitchen
INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - DAY - M.S.

SUSIE holding DANNY's hand. They walk L-R across Ballroom.
CAMERA TRACKS with them to JACK, HALLORAN, WATSON, WENDY &
ULLMAN.

SUSIE
I found him outside looking for you.

JACK
(OFF)
Danny, did you get tired
(IN SHOT)
of bombing the universe?

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
Danny, come on over here.

DANNY walks L-R from SUSIE to WENDY. WENDY looks at SUSIE.

WENDY
Thanks.

ULLMAN
Thank you, Susie.

SUSIE exits cam.L. ULLMAN turns to HALLORAN.
33.


ULLMAN
Dick, if you're ready to do it now,
I think it would be a good idea if
you could show Mrs. Torrance the
kitchen, while I continue on with
Jack.

HALLORAN
It will be a pleasure. Right this
way Mrs. Torrance.

WENDY
Great. See you later, hon.

HALLORAN walks away to b.g. WENDY & DANNY follow him.

JACK
Bye darling.

ULLMAN, JACK & WATSON move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding DANNY's hand walks forward into kitchen with
HALLORAN. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

HALLORAN
Mrs. Torrance, your husband
introduced you as Winifred. Now
are you a Winnie or a Freddie?

WENDY
I'm a Wendy.

HALLORAN
Oh Wendy. That's nice. That's the
prettiest.

WENDY
God. This is the kitchen, huh?

HALLORAN
Yeah, this is it. How do you like
it, Danny? Is it big enough for you?

DANNY
Yeah, it's the biggest place I've
ever seen.

HALLORAN laughs.
34.


WENDY
Yeah. This whole place is such an
enormous maze, I feel I'll have to
leave a trail of breadcrumbs every
time I come in.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
Don't let it get you down Mrs.
Torrance - it's big but it still
ain't nothing but a kitchen... a
lot of the stuff you'll never have
to touch.

WENDY
I wouldn't know what to do with it
if I did.

HALLORAN
Well one thing for sure, you don't
have to worry about food because
you folks could eat up here a whole
year and never have the same menu
twice.

HALLORAN points to cam.L and leans to cam.L taking hold of
door handle.

HALLORAN
Now right here is our walk-in
freezer.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Susie introduces Danny to the group in the ballroom before leaving. Ullman asks Halloran to show Wendy the kitchen while he continues the tour with Jack. Wendy, Danny, and Halloran proceed to the kitchen, where Halloran shows them around and makes small talk. The scene ends with Halloran showing Wendy and Danny the walk-in freezer in the kitchen.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Character interactions
  • Foreshadowing
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the atmosphere of the hotel, introduces key characters, and hints at potential conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and curious.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the hotel's kitchen and learning about its vastness and history adds depth to the setting and foreshadows future events. It effectively establishes the eerie atmosphere of the hotel.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the Torrance family settles into the hotel, with hints of tension and mystery building up. The introduction of the kitchen and the walk-in freezer adds layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar setting of a hotel, emphasizing the protagonist's internal and external challenges in a nuanced way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Wendy and Halloran, are well-developed in this scene. Wendy's curiosity and concern for her family's well-being are evident, while Halloran's friendly demeanor and knowledge of the hotel add depth to his character.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints of character development, especially in Wendy's concern for her family's safety and Halloran's friendly demeanor. However, significant character changes are not evident in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the unfamiliar and overwhelming environment of the hotel, while also trying to maintain a sense of normalcy for her son. This reflects her deeper need for stability and security in the face of uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to familiarize herself with the hotel's kitchen and facilities, as well as to establish a rapport with the staff. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new environment and fulfilling her job responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of tension and mystery in the scene, the conflict is not fully developed yet. The introduction of the hotel's dark history and the vast kitchen sets the stage for potential conflicts in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of resolution.

High Stakes: 6

While the scene hints at potential dangers and conflicts in the hotel, the stakes are not extremely high yet. The introduction of the walk-in freezer and the vast kitchen foreshadows challenges ahead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key locations in the hotel, establishing character dynamics, and hinting at potential conflicts. It sets the stage for future events and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new challenges and conflicts for the protagonist, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for simplicity and the overwhelming complexity of the hotel's kitchen. This challenges her values of practicality and efficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and concern from the audience, especially regarding the hotel's history and the characters' well-being. However, the emotional impact is not deeply felt yet.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Wendy and Halloran is engaging and informative, providing insights into the characters' personalities and the hotel's history. It sets the tone for future interactions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces new characters, establishes interpersonal dynamics, and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action, creating a sense of tension and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear camera directions and dialogue cues that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and does not contain much action or dialogue.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The scene does not advance the plot of the story.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene is not visually interesting.
Suggestions
  • Add more action or dialogue to the scene.
  • Develop the characters and their motivations.
  • Advance the plot of the story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene.



Scene 11 -  Exploring the Hotel Kitchen: A Playful Interlude
INT. HOTEL - FREEZER - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN opens door and steps into freezer. WENDY & DANNY
stand in doorway. HALLORAN points to various items.

HALLORAN
Now this is where we keep all of
out meat. You got fifteen rib
roasts - thirty ten pound bags of
hamburgers. You got twelve-
turkeys, two dozen pork roasts and
twenty legs of lamb.
(to Danny)
Do you like lamb, Doc?

DANNY
No.
35.


HALLORAN
You don't? Well what's your
favorite food then?

DANNY
French Fries and Ketchup.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
Well I think we can manage that
too, Doc. Come along now. Watch
your step.

HALLORAN points to step by door.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY, followed by HALLORAN, come out of Freezer.

WENDY
Mr. Halloran,

HALLORAN closes the door and turns to WENDY.

WENDY (CONT'D)
how did you know we called him 'Doc'?

HALLORAN, DANNY & WENDY walk forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
with them.

HALLORAN
Beg pardon?

WENDY
Doc. You called Danny 'Doc' twice
just now.

HALLORAN
I did?

WENDY
Yeah. We call him Doc sometimes,
you know, like in the Bugs Bunny
cartoons. But how did you know that?

HALLORAN
Well I guess I probably heard you
call him that.
36.


WENDY
Well, it's possible, but I honestly
don't remember calling him that
since we've been with you.

They all stop walking.

HALLORAN
Well anyway, he looks like a Doc,
doesn't he?

HALLORAN bends down to DANNY.

HALLORAN
(clicks his tongue)
Me ah - what's up, Doc?

HALLORAN laughs and turns away to door cam.L. He opens door.

HALLORAN
Now this is the storeroom.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Halloran shows Wendy and Danny around the kitchen of the Overlook Hotel, highlighting various meat items in the freezer and engaging in friendly conversation with Danny. He asks about Danny's favorite food and inquires about his nickname 'Doc'. Wendy, at one point, wonders how Halloran knew her son's nickname, but the matter is not pursued further. The atmosphere is warm and inviting, creating a sense of community between the characters. The scene concludes with Halloran leading the pair to the hotel's storeroom.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Intriguing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery while providing important information about the hotel's operations. The interaction between characters is engaging and sets the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the hotel's freezer and kitchen adds depth to the setting and foreshadows potential conflicts or revelations. Halloran's knowledge of Danny's nickname adds a layer of intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the Torrance family continues to settle into the hotel, with the introduction of the freezer and kitchen providing new elements to the story. The scene sets the stage for potential conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to character dynamics through the use of food preferences and nicknames, adding authenticity to the dialogue and interactions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Halloran, Wendy, and Danny, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene. Halloran's mysterious knowledge of Danny's nickname adds intrigue to his character.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints at character development, particularly in the interactions between Halloran, Wendy, and Danny. Halloran's mysterious knowledge of Danny's nickname hints at potential changes in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and comfort in an unfamiliar environment. This reflects their deeper need for stability and security, as they navigate the challenges presented by their surroundings.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to familiarize themselves with the hotel's facilities and establish a rapport with Halloran. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their stay and the need to adapt to their new surroundings.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is not overt conflict in the scene, the underlying tensions and mysteries introduced set the stage for potential conflicts to arise in the future. Halloran's knowledge of Danny's nickname adds a layer of conflict and intrigue.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with hints of tension and mystery surrounding Halloran's knowledge of Danny's nickname. The audience is left with questions about his true intentions and the dynamics between the characters.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the introduction of mysteries and tensions hint at potential dangers and conflicts to come.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of the hotel and setting the stage for potential conflicts and revelations. The interactions between characters hint at future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle tension and mystery surrounding Halloran's knowledge of Danny's nickname. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of his connection to the family and his motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of perception and memory. Wendy questions Halloran's knowledge of Danny's nickname, highlighting the discrepancy between what is said and what is remembered. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene does not have a high emotional impact, but the interactions between characters and the mysterious elements introduced create a sense of curiosity and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and setting. Halloran's playful interaction with Danny adds a touch of humor to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the naturalistic dialogue, character dynamics, and subtle humor that draw the reader into the characters' interactions. The pacing and structure maintain a sense of momentum and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of rhythm and momentum in the character interactions. The dialogue flows naturally, with pauses and beats that enhance the emotional depth of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise descriptions and clear dialogue attribution. The visual cues and camera directions enhance the reader's understanding of the scene's setting and character movements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and focused character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It does not feel like a real conversation between people.
  • The scene is not very visually interesting. It takes place in a freezer and a storeroom, and there is not much action or movement.
  • The scene does not advance the plot in any significant way. It is mainly just a way to introduce Halloran to Danny and Wendy.
  • The characters are somewhat inconsistent. Halloran is friendly and welcoming in the ballroom, but he becomes much more curt and impersonal in the freezer and storeroom.
  • The scene does not really build any tension or suspense.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add some more visual interest to the scene. For example, you could have Halloran show Danny and Wendy some of the other areas of the hotel, such as the kitchen or the dining room.
  • Give the scene some more purpose. For example, you could have Halloran give Danny and Wendy a tour of the hotel in order to show them how to get around.
  • Make the characters more consistent. For example, have Halloran be friendly and welcoming throughout the scene.
  • Add some tension or suspense to the scene. For example, you could have Danny and Wendy get lost in the hotel, or you could have them encounter a strange or frightening character.



Scene 12 -  Halloran Offers to Get Danny Ice Cream
INT. HOTEL - STOREROOM - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN moves forward into Storeroom, followed by DANNY &
WENDY. Groceries stacked on shelves.

HALLORAN
In here, Mrs. Torrance, is where we
keep all the dried goods and the
canned goods. We got canned fruits
and vegetables; canned fish and
meats; hot and cold cereals.

HALLORAN & WENDY move L-R - CAMERA TRACKS with them past
shelf in f.g.

HALLORAN
Post Toasties, Cornflakes, Sugar
Puffs, Rice Krispies, Oatmeal,
Wheatina and Cream of Wheat.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY standing by cardboard boxes. CAMERA TRACKS IN on
him.

HALLORAN (OFF)
We got a dozen jugs of black
molasses, we got sixty boxes of
dried milk, thirty twelve pound
bags of sugar.

CUT TO:
37.


M.S. HALLORAN talks inaudibly to WENDY, back to camera.
CAMERA TRACKS IN on HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
(thought transfer)
How'd you like some ice cream, Doc?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

HALLORAN (OFF)
sociables, finger rolls and seven
kinds of what-have-you.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & WENDY move R-L to DANNY by open door.
CAMERA TRACKS with them.

HALLORAN
Now we got dried peaches, dried
apricots, dried raisins and dried
prunes.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN, followed by WENDY & DANNY move out of Storeroom
cam.R.f.g.

HALLORAN
You know, Mrs. Torrance, you gotta
keep regular, if you want to be
happy.

HALLORAN laughs as he closes Storeroom door. JACK, ULLMAN &
WATSON walk forward from b.g.

ULLMAN
Hi.

WENDY
Hi.

ULLMAN
How're you getting on?

HALLORAN & WENDY
Just fine.
38.


ULLMAN
Dick, can we borrow Mrs. Torrance
for a few minutes? We're on our
way through to the basement - I
promise we won't keep her very long.

HALLORAN
No problem, Mr. Ullman. I was just
getting to the ice cream.

HALLORAN leans down to DANNY.

HALLORAN
Do you like ice cream, Doc?

DANNY
Yeah.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
I thought you did.

HALLORAN straightens up and looks at JACK.

HALLORAN
You folks don't mind if I give
Danny some ice cream, while we're
waiting for you?

JACK
Not at all.

WENDY
No, we don't mind.

HALLORAN
Good.

WENDY
Sound good to you, Danny?

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
Okay. You behave yourself.

HALLORAN takes hold of DANNY's hand as ULLMAN, JACK, WENDY &
WATSON move away to b.g.

HALLORAN
Now what kind of ice cream do you
like Doc?
39.


DANNY
Chocolate.

HALLORAN
Chocolate it shall be. Come on son.

HALLORAN & DANNY move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Halloran shows Wendy and Danny the hotel storeroom, pointing out various food items. He offers to get Danny some ice cream while they wait, and both Wendy and Jack give their permission for Halloran to take Danny for ice cream. The scene takes place in the storeroom of the hotel in the daytime and ends with Halloran leading Danny out of the storeroom to get ice cream. The tone is friendly and welcoming, with Halloran acting as a helpful and kind guide.
Strengths
  • Detailed setting description
  • Well-developed character of Halloran
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the upcoming events in the hotel, introduces important characters, and builds suspense through the contrast between the friendly interaction with Halloran and the dark history of the hotel.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the hotel's storeroom and kitchen serves to establish the setting and introduce the character of Halloran, setting up important elements for the rest of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the Torrance family settles into the hotel and begins to interact with key characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds a layer of tension and unease, creating a unique atmosphere. The dialogue feels authentic and natural, enhancing the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Halloran, are well-developed in this scene, with Halloran's friendly and caring nature contrasting with the ominous atmosphere of the hotel.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on introducing characters and setting up the atmosphere of the hotel.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and comfort for his family, despite the unsettling events happening around them. This reflects his desire to protect his loved ones and provide a sense of stability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to assist the hotel staff and ensure his family's well-being during their stay. This reflects his immediate circumstances and the challenges of being in a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is a low level of conflict in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the setting and introducing characters rather than on intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create a sense of conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, as the focus is more on setting up the atmosphere and introducing characters rather than on high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the setting of the hotel, introducing key characters, and setting up potential conflicts and mysteries.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces subtle hints of unease and tension, leaving the audience unsure of what might happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for normalcy and the underlying tension of the hotel's dark history. This challenges his beliefs in safety and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with the warmth of Halloran's character contrasting with the ominous atmosphere of the hotel, creating a sense of unease.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and sets the tone for the scene, with Halloran's friendly banter providing a sense of warmth amidst the eerie setting.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it balances mundane activities with underlying tension, keeping the audience intrigued about the characters' motivations and the hotel's history.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It effectively sets up the tone and atmosphere for future events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It simply shows Halloran showing Wendy and Danny around the storeroom, without any real development or conflict.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional and expository, providing information about the storeroom and its contents. It doesn't do much to advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The scene doesn't do much to progress the story. It's mostly a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the overall plot.
  • The characters are not particularly active or engaging in this scene. They mostly just stand around and talk about the storeroom.
  • The scene is not particularly visually interesting. It's mostly just a static shot of the storeroom.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear purpose or goal to the scene. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What information do you want to convey to the audience? What do you want the characters to learn or experience?
  • Try to make the dialogue more interesting and engaging. Add some conflict or tension to the conversation. Give the characters something to argue about or disagree on.
  • Consider adding some action or movement to the scene. Have the characters do something other than just stand around and talk. Maybe they could explore the storeroom, or search for something specific.
  • Make the characters more active and engaging. Give them something to do besides just talk about the storeroom. Maybe they could interact with each other in a more dynamic way.
  • Consider adding some visual interest to the scene. Maybe you could use different camera angles or lighting to make the storeroom look more interesting.



Scene 13 -  Halloran and Danny Discover Their Shining Connection
INT. HOTEL - GREEN CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, JACK & WENDY - followed by WATSON - move forward.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

WENDY
It's amazing how much activity is
going on today.

ULLMAN
Yes, well the guests and some of
the staff left yesterday, but the
last day is always very hectic -
everybody wants to be on their way
as early as possible.

They turn corner and walk away along corridor.

ULLMAN
By five o'clock tonight, you'll
never know anybody was ever here.

WENDY
Just like a ghost ship, huh?

ULLMAN
Yes.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.C.S.

HALLORAN looking down cam.R.

HALLORAN
Do you know how I knew your name
was Doc?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN - DANNY looking at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:
40.


M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
You know what I'm talking about,
don't you?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN. DANNY looking at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
I can remember when I was a little
boy, my grandmother and I could
hold conversations entirely without
ever opening our mouths. She
called it shining,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

HALLORAN (OFF)(CONT'D)
and for a long time I thought it
was just the two of us that had the
shine to us.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Just like you probably thought you
was the only one. But there are
other folks, though mostly they
don't know it, or don't believe it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
How long have you been able to do it?

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & DANNY sitting at table.
41.


HALLORAN
Why don't you want to talk about it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
I'm not supposed to.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Who says you ain't supposed to?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Tony.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Who's Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Tony's the little boy who lives in
my mouth.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Is Tony the one that tells you
things?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY
42.


DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
How does he tell you things?

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & DANNY sitting at table.

DANNY
It's like I go to sleep, and he
shows me things but when I wake up,
I can't remember everything.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Does your Mum and Dad know about
Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Do they know he tell you things?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Has Tony ever told you anything
about this place? About the
Overlook Hotel?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN
43.


DANNY
I don't know.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Now think real hard, Doc. Think.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN.

DANNY
Maybe he showed me something.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Try to think what it was.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN.

DANNY
Mr. Halloran, are you scared of
this place?

CUT TO:

M.S. Shooting across table onto HALLORAN & DANNY.

HALLORAN
No, I'm scared of nothing here.
It's just that you know some places
are like people, some shine and
some don't. I guess you could say
the Overlook Hotel here has
something about it that's like
shining.

DANNY
Is there something bad here?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.
44.


HALLORAN
Well, you know Doc, when something
happens it can leave a trace of
itself behind... say like is
someone burns toast.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

HALLORAN (OFF)
Well, maybe things that happened...
leave other kinds of traces behind.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Not things that anyone can notice,
but things that people who shine
can see. Just like they can see
things that haven't happened yet.
Well, sometimes they can see things
that happened a long time ago... I
think a lot of things happened
right here in this particular
hotel - over the years, and not all
of them was good.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
What about Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
You're scared of Room 237, ain'tcha?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN
45.


HALLORAN
No I ain't.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Mr. Halloran, what is in Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Nothing. There ain't nothing in
Room 237, but you ain't got no
business going in there anyway, so
stay out! You understand, stay out!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

A MONTH LATER

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In the Overlook Hotel's kitchen, Halloran and Danny have a heart-to-heart conversation about their 'shining' ability. Halloran shares his experiences and inquires about Danny's encounters with 'Tony'. As they converse, a hint of foreboding is introduced when Halloran warns Danny about the hotel's dangers. The scene concludes with Halloran advising Danny to avoid Room 237, followed by a time jump to a month later.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a mysterious atmosphere
  • Introducing key plot elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue may be too expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the ominous tone of the story. It introduces key elements of the plot and characters while maintaining a sense of mystery and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of 'shining' and psychic abilities adds depth to the narrative, creating a unique and intriguing aspect of the story. The introduction of Room 237 foreshadows potential danger and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as key information about the characters and the hotel is revealed. The scene sets up potential conflicts and establishes the eerie atmosphere of the Overlook Hotel.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of psychic abilities and premonitions, adding a unique twist to the familiar haunted hotel setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are developed through their interactions and dialogue, revealing their fears, concerns, and relationships. The introduction of psychic abilities adds complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints at character development, such as Danny's growing awareness of his psychic abilities, significant changes have yet to occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand and come to terms with his psychic abilities, as well as to navigate the strange occurrences happening in the hotel.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to uncover the mysteries of the hotel and protect himself and his family from any potential dangers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces internal conflicts within the characters, such as Danny's psychic abilities and Jack's eagerness to take on the caretaker role. The mention of Room 237 creates external conflict and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The mention of Room 237 and the ominous warnings from Halloran raise the stakes for the characters, hinting at potential danger and conflict. The scene sets up a sense of foreboding and impending threat.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the plot, such as the history of the hotel, the characters' psychic abilities, and the potential dangers lurking within the hotel. It sets up future conflicts and establishes the setting effectively.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and the mysterious nature of the hotel's history.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the existence of psychic abilities and the idea of premonitions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the supernatural and his place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, especially through Danny's interactions with Halloran and the discussion of psychic abilities. The emotional impact is heightened by the ominous atmosphere of the hotel.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the hotel. It sets the tone for future interactions and builds suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its slow-building tension, cryptic dialogue, and mysterious atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by slowly building tension and revealing key information at strategic moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and mystery through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The exposition-heavy dialogue between Halloran and Danny is somewhat repetitive and unnecessarily drawn out. It could benefit from being more concise and streamlined.
  • The use of quick cuts back and forth between Danny and Halloran during their conversation can be distracting and disrupt the flow of the scene. Consider using fewer cuts or holding the shots longer to give the viewer more time to absorb the information being exchanged.
  • The scene's focus on the concept of 'shining' and the hotel's potentially sinister past adds an intriguing element to the story, but it's important to introduce these elements gradually and avoid overwhelming the viewer with too much exposition at once.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or progression. It doesn't seem to advance the plot or character development significantly.
  • The dialogue could be more natural and less stilted. Some of the lines feel forced and unnatural, which can make it difficult for the viewer to connect with the characters and the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more concise and engaging, avoiding unnecessary repetitions and streamlining the flow of information.
  • Explore using fewer cuts during the conversation between Halloran and Danny, allowing the actors to establish a better connection and giving the viewer more time to absorb the emotional dynamics.
  • Introduce the concept of 'shining' and the hotel's past more subtly and gradually throughout the story, rather than relying on a single scene to deliver a significant amount of exposition.
  • Give the scene a clearer purpose by connecting it more directly to the overall plot or character development. Consider adding elements that drive the story forward or provide insights into the characters' motivations.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less forced. Aim for a conversational tone that reflects the characters' personalities and relationships.



Scene 14 -  Breakfast in Bed at the Overlook Hotel
EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

Hotel. Mountain in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.S.

WENDY pushing trolley forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK with her. She turns to cam.L and enters Lobby. CAMERA
TRACKS R-L with her across lobby.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN & LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

DANNY sitting on tricycle. He pedals out of Kitchen into
Lounge, across it and back into Kitchen.
46.


CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO TORRANCE'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.S.

WENDY enters cam.L pushing trolley. She pushes it forward
along corridor. CAMERA PANS L-R with her to door of their
Apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - TORRANCE'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.C.S.

JACK asleep in bed, reflected in mirror. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.
WENDY enters cam.R carrying tray. She walks forward.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with her. She puts tray down on table.

WENDY
Good Morning, hon. Your breakfast
is ready.

JACK
What time is it?

WENDY
It's about eleven thirty.

CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD to JACK & WENDY reflected in mirror.

JACK
Eleven thirty - Jesus!

WENDY
I guess we've been staying up too
late.

JACK
I know it.

JACK sticks his tongue out. WENDY picks up plate and glass
of orange juice.

WENDY
I made 'em just the way you like
'em, sunny side up.

JACK
Hmm, nice.

WENDY walks forward to JACK and puts plate down cam.L. She
hands him glass of orange juice and he drinks it.
47.


WENDY
It's really pretty outside. How
about taking me for a walk after
you've finished your breakfast?

JACK
Oh I suppose I oughta try to do
some writing first.

He puts empty glass down cam.L and picks up plate of eggs
and bacon.

WENDY
Any ideas yet?

JACK
Lots of ideas. No good ones.

WENDY sits down cam.R.

WENDY
Well, something'll come. It's just
a matter of settling back into the
habit of writing every day.

JACK
Yeah... that's all it is.

JACK starts to eat bacon.

WENDY
It's really nice up here, isn't it?

JACK
I love it. I really do. I've
never been this happy, or
comfortable anywhere.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yeah. It's amazing how fast you
get used to such a big place. I
tell you, when we first came up
here, I thought it was kinda scarey.

WENDY laughs.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.
48.


JACK
I fell in love with it right away.
When I came up here from my
interview, it was as though I had
been here before. We...we all have
moments of deja vu, but this was
ridiculous. It was almost as
though I knew what was going to be
around every corner. Ooohhhhh...

WENDY laughs.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Wendy brings breakfast to Jack in their apartment and wakes him up. They make small talk about the weather and Jack's writing, with Wendy suggesting a walk and Jack expressing his love for the hotel. The main conflict lies in Jack's struggle with his writing, which remains unresolved. The scene is warm and cozy, with visuals of Wendy taking care of Jack and Jack eating his breakfast.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Establishing atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot development
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the characters, tone, and setting of the story while hinting at underlying tensions and mysteries. The dialogue and interactions feel natural and engaging, drawing the audience into the world of the Overlook Hotel.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family settling into a remote hotel for the winter is intriguing, especially given the ominous history of the location. The scene sets up the psychological elements of the story and introduces key themes of isolation and supernatural abilities.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't introduce major plot developments, it lays the groundwork for the family's stay at the hotel and hints at potential conflicts and mysteries to come. It establishes the characters' relationships and sets up the eerie atmosphere of the setting.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to familiar themes of creativity, family dynamics, and personal growth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene provides insight into the personalities of Jack, Wendy, and Danny, showcasing their dynamics and individual quirks. Their interactions feel authentic and set the stage for character development and conflicts later in the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and transformation as the story progresses. The dynamics between the characters hint at internal struggles and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with his writing and find inspiration. This reflects his deeper need for creativity and validation as a writer, as well as his fear of failure and writer's block.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to enjoy a peaceful morning with his family. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their stay at the hotel and the challenges they face in maintaining a sense of normalcy and happiness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of underlying tensions and mysteries, the scene focuses more on establishing the setting and characters than on overt conflicts. The conflict is more internal and psychological at this point.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character introductions and setting up the atmosphere of the hotel. However, hints of past tragedies and supernatural elements suggest higher stakes to come.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the family's arrival at the Overlook Hotel and setting up key relationships and dynamics. It hints at future conflicts and mysteries, laying the groundwork for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and the underlying tension between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Jack's love for the hotel and Wendy's initial fear of it. This challenges Jack's beliefs about the hotel being a place of comfort and happiness, while also highlighting Wendy's growth and acceptance of their new surroundings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity, hinting at deeper emotions and conflicts to come. The interactions between the characters and the eerie setting create a subtle emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is natural and engaging, revealing character traits and relationships through subtle exchanges. It sets the tone for the scene and hints at deeper emotions and tensions beneath the surface.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intimate character interactions, relatable dialogue, and subtle tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and tension, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and slow-paced. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and doesn't sound like the way people actually talk. This makes the scene feel stilted and unrealistic.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and don't have much depth. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them or care about their story.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear focus or purpose. It seems to be going in several different directions without ever really getting anywhere.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience hanging without any resolution or closure.
  • The scene description lacks detail and depth. It doesn't paint an immersive environment that helps the reader visualize the scene and its characters.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene more fast-paced and engaging.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it sound more natural and authentic.
  • Develop the characters more by adding depth and complexity to their personalities.
  • Give the scene a clear focus and purpose so that the audience knows what to expect.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene that gives the audience a sense of closure.
  • Add more detail and depth to the scene description to create a more immersive environment.



Scene 15 -  Exploration and Play in the Hotel Maze
INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

Typewriter with sheet of paper in it. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
and TILTS UP onto JACK throwing ball against wall.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK back to camera throwing ball against wall.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - DAY - M.L.S.

WENDY running after DANNY from Hotel to Maze - CAMERA PANS
L-R & TRACKS with them to entrance to Maze.

WENDY
The loser has to keep American
clean, how's that?

DANNY
All right.

WENDY
And you're gonna lose. And I'm
gonna get you - you betta run fast!
Look out - I'm coming in close.
All right?

DANNY & WENDY run into Maze. CAMERA TRACKS L-R onto plan of
Maze on board.

DANNY (OFF)
You'll have to keep America clean.

CUT TO:
49.


INT. MAZE - DAY - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY walking forward in Maze - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before them.

WENDY
Okay Danny, you win. Let's take
the rest of this walking, huh?

DANNY
Okay...oh!

WENDY
Give me your hand. Oh, isn't it
beautiful.

DANNY
Yeah.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY & DANNY backs to camera walking away through
Maze - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Here's a dead end.

WENDY & DANNY turn at dead end and walk away along Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS after them.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK back to camera bounces ball on floor and catches it.
Then he throws it away to b.g. He walks away to model of
Maze on table by window. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after him.
He stops by model and leans on table.

CUT TO:

M.S. Shooting over model of Maze on table to JACK looking
down at it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK looking down.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAZE - DAY - L.S.

High Angle shooting down on Maze. WENDY & DANNY move
through it. CAMERA TRACKS DOWN on Maze.
50.


WENDY
Oh what a Maze. Isn't it beautiful.

DANNY
Yeah.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY & WENDY walk forward through Maze - CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before them.

WENDY
It's so pretty.

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
I didn't think it was going to be
this big, did you?

DANNY
No.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

TUESDAY.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Jack is isolated in the hotel lounge while Wendy and Danny run around and explore the hotel's maze. Wendy playfully chases Danny, allowing him to choose the direction and eventually leading them to a dead end. Meanwhile, Jack examines a model of the maze in the hotel lobby. The tone is light and playful, with no major conflicts.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating mystery
  • Establishing atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Slightly predictable dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the exploration of the maze, setting up a foreboding atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a maze within the hotel adds an element of mystery and danger to the scene, setting the stage for potential conflicts and revelations.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Wendy and Danny's exploration of the maze, hinting at hidden secrets and potential dangers within the hotel.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique setting of a maze within a hotel, blending elements of mystery and adventure. The characters' playful interactions and the use of physical movement add authenticity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Wendy and Danny's interactions and exploration of the maze reveal their curiosity and apprehension, adding depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, Wendy and Danny's reactions to the maze hint at their evolving emotions and fears.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to bond with Wendy and enjoy the playful game of running through the maze. This reflects his desire for connection and enjoyment in the moment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the game of running through the maze with Wendy. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the maze and having fun.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the unknown dangers lurking within the maze, creating a sense of tension and apprehension for Wendy and Danny.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with the challenge of navigating the maze providing a small obstacle for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the unknown dangers within the maze, creating a sense of urgency and danger for Wendy and Danny.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the maze as a potential source of conflict and danger within the hotel, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' spontaneous actions and the unexpected twists in the game they are playing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' playful banter and the challenge of navigating the maze. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs about competition and cooperation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and curiosity in the audience as Wendy and Danny navigate the maze, hinting at the potential dangers that lie ahead.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue between Wendy and Danny is simple but effective in conveying their emotions and building tension as they explore the maze.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the sense of adventure in the maze, and the playful dialogue that keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of momentum and excitement as the characters navigate the maze and interact with each other.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that guide the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and transitions enhance the flow of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down. The beginning of the scene with Jack throwing a ball against the wall is not very interesting and could be cut. The scene would be more effective if it started with Wendy and Danny running into the maze.
  • The dialogue between Wendy and Danny is a bit forced and unnatural. It sounds like they are reading lines from a script rather than having a real conversation. The dialogue could be improved by making it more natural and spontaneous.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are just walking around the maze and talking. There is no tension or drama to keep the audience engaged.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The scene just cuts to black without any resolution. The ending could be improved by adding a sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Wendy and Danny running into the maze.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and spontaneous.
  • Add conflict to the scene, such as a character getting lost or injured.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as having the characters find their way out of the maze or having them encounter a new challenge.



Scene 16 -  Interrupted Work and Frustration in The Shining's Hotel
EXT. HOTEL - DUSK - M.L.S.

Hotel. Mountain in b.g.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DUSK - M.C.S.

WENDY's hands taking lid of can. CAMERA TRACKS BACK to
table with portable T.V. Set on it. The set is switched on.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER (OFF)
Rutherford was serving a life
sentence for his conviction in the
1968 shooting and the search
continues in the mountains near
Uray today for that missing Aspen
woman,

WENDY carries tin to bowl on table.
51.


WOMAN ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
twenty-four year old Susan Robertson
has been missing ten days. She
disappeared while on a hunting trip
with her husband. They have good
weather right now, but they may
have to call off the search if the
predicted snowstorm moves in
tomorrow.

Picture on T.V. Set changes to MAN & WOMAN.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER
But it's so beautiful here in
Denver today, it's hard to believe
a snowstorm could be that close.

MAN ANNOUNCER
I know. I want to go outside and
lie in the sun. Yet to our north,
to our west, it is snowing and
cold, and it's moving

SOUND OF CLICKS.

MAN ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
right here towards Colorado, right
now as we talk. It's incredible.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER
I know.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - CORRIDORS - M.S.

DANNY back to camera on tricycle pedals away along
corridors - CAMERA TRACKS after him. He looks at door cam.L
and slows down, stopping.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY in f.g. Number 237 on door in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY looking at number.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY in f.g. Number 237 on door in b.g.

CUT TO:
52.


M.L.S. Corridor. DANNY in f.g. gets off tricycle, and moves
R-L to door of room 237. He looks up at number - then
reaches out to door handle and turns it. Door doesn't open.
He looks up at number.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY looking up at number on door. He moves L-R to
his tricycle. CAMERA PANS with him. He sits on tricycle
and pedals fast away along corridor.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - NIGHT - M.L.S.

Lounge. JACK sitting back to camera typing at table.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD onto him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK typing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera typing at table in f.g. WENDY
enters cam.R.b.g. and walks forward to JACK.

WENDY
Hi, hon. How's it going?

WENDY stops cam.R of him. JACK pulls page from typewriter.

JACK
Fine.

WENDY kisses him.

WENDY
Get a lot written today?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY
53.


WENDY
Hey, the weather forecast said it's
going to snow tonight.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
What do you want me to do about it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Ah, come on hon. Don't be so
grouchy.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
I'm not being grouchy. I just want
to finish my work.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Okay. I understand. I'll come
back later on with a couple of
sandwiches for you and... maybe
you'll let me read something then.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Wendy,
(clears throat)
let me explain something to you.
Whenever you come in here and
interrupt me, you're breaking my
concentration.

JACK hits his forehead with his hand.

JACK (CONT'D)
you're distracting me,
54.


He picks up sheet of paper and tears it up. Then he throws
the pieces down.

JACK (CONT'D)
and it will then take me time to
get back to where I was, understand?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Fine. Now we're going to make a
new rule. Whenever I am in here
and you hear me typing,

JACK taps typewriter keys.

JACK (CONT'D)
or whether you don't hear me
typing, whatever the fuck you hear
me doing in here, when I am in here
that means that I am working - that
means don't come in. Now do you
think you can handle that?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Fine. Why don't you start right
now and get the fuck out of here,
hmm?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.
55.


WENDY
Okay.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY standing cam.R of JACK back to camera sitting
at table. She turns and walks away to b.g. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK starts to type.

CUT TO:

Black Frames.

Superimposition over:

THURSDAY.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a hotel at dusk, Wendy and Jack have a tense exchange in the lounge after she interrupts his work, while Danny explores the corridors on his tricycle. Jack, frustrated, sets a new rule for Wendy not to disturb him while working, leaving the room upset. The scene is filled with tension and frustration, showcasing the couple's strained relationship.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets the stage for the psychological horror to come. The interactions between characters are engaging, and the eerie atmosphere is well-established.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family isolated in a haunted hotel, with dark secrets and supernatural elements, is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the hotel's ominous history and the growing tension within the family. It sets up conflicts and foreshadows future events effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the common theme of marital conflict and work-life balance. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Jack's descent into madness and Wendy's concern for her family adding depth to the scene. Danny's mysterious abilities also add an intriguing element.

Character Changes: 7

Jack's deteriorating mental state and Wendy's increasing worry show significant character development within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to focus on his work and maintain his concentration despite interruptions from his wife. This reflects his need for productivity and control over his environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to finish his work and not be distracted by his wife's interruptions. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining focus in a busy environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jack and Wendy, as well as the supernatural elements surrounding Danny, create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with clear obstacles preventing the protagonist from achieving his goals.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the family's isolation in a haunted hotel, Jack's mental instability, and Danny's mysterious encounters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the hotel's history, the characters' relationships, and Danny's abilities.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected outburst from the protagonist and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's need for concentration and his wife's desire for attention and connection. This challenges the protagonist's values of productivity and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and unease to concern for the characters' well-being.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships, especially the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved in the protagonist's work.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest in the conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical format for a dramatic interaction between characters, with clear dialogue and action beats.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Jack and Wendy is very stilted and unnatural. It doesn't flow well and it's hard to believe that these are two people who are married and in love.
  • The scene is very repetitive. Jack keeps saying the same things over and over again, and it gets very tedious to read.
  • The scene doesn't really go anywhere. It starts with Jack and Wendy talking about the weather, and then it just goes on and on without any real purpose.
  • The scene is very dark and gloomy. There's no sense of hope or optimism, and it's hard to imagine anyone wanting to stay in this hotel for more than a few days.
  • The ending of the scene is very abrupt. Jack just throws a tantrum and tells Wendy to get out of the room, and then the scene just ends.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Jack and Wendy to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some more variety to the scene by having Jack and Wendy talk about other things besides the weather.
  • Give the scene a more clear purpose by having Jack and Wendy discuss something important, such as their relationship or their plans for the future.
  • Add some more light and airy elements to the scene to make it less dark and gloomy.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by having Jack and Wendy come to some sort of resolution.



Scene 17 -  Phone Issues Arise as the Storm Rages On
EXT. HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

WENDY running R-L being chased by DANNY carrying snowballs.
AD LIB SHOUTS & LAUGHTER. CAMERA TRACKS R-L with them past
Hotel in b.g.

WENDY
I know you've got some.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

JACK at window watching WENDY & DANNY playing in the snow.
CAMERA TRACKS IN to M.C.S.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

SATURDAY

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

HOTEL in b.g. Trees and snow in f.g.

CUT TO:
56.


INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.L.S.

High Angle JACK sitting at table in b.g. typing.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY & OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY standing at switchboard with headset on her L.ear and
putting plugs into switchboard.

WENDY
Oh no!

WENDY puts socket into various plugs.

WENDY
I knew it!

WENDY puts headset and plug down and turns away from
switchboard. She walks R-L to door.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY walks out of switchboard - round counter and
moves forward R-L across Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before
her. She moves R-L into Office. CAMERA PANS with her. She
stops at radio set and switches it on. She pulls microphone
towards her.

WENDY
(into mike)
This is KDK 12 calling KDK 1.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.L.S.

RANGER seated at radio cam.L. MAN standing at filing
cabinet cam.R. GIRL seated at desk cam.R.

WENDY (OFF)
(over radio)
KDK 12 to KDK 1.

RANGER
(into mike)
This is KDK 1. We're receiving you.
Over.

CUT TO:
57.


INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY picks up microphone.

WENDY
(into mike)
Hi. This is Wendy Torrance at the
Overlook Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Hi. How are you folks getting on
up there? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY, holding mike, seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
Oh we're just fine, but our
telephones don't seem to be doing
too well. Are the lines down by
any chance? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio, speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Yes. Quite a few of them are down,
due to the storm. Over.

WENDY
(over radio)
Any chance of them being repaired
soon? Over.

RANGER
(into mike)
Well, I wouldn't like to say. Most
winters they stay that way until
spring. Over.

CUT TO:
58.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy and Danny play in the snow outside the hotel while Jack observes from a window. Wendy contacts the ranger's office to report phone issues and learns that many lines are down due to the storm and may not be fixed until spring. This creates a conflict as Wendy tries to resolve the issue, and there is a subtle tension due to Jack's distant observation.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of light and tense moments
  • Character-driven interactions
  • Establishing setting and potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends moments of lightness with underlying tension, showcasing the characters' dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using a snowball fight to contrast with the communication issues adds layers to the scene and foreshadows potential challenges for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters engage in different activities, setting up potential conflicts and establishing the setting of the hotel.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a snowstorm at a hotel but adds originality through the characters' interactions and the use of a radio communication system. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' interactions and reactions to the snowball fight and communication breakdown reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions hint at potential growth and challenges for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and control in the face of the storm and communication issues. This reflects her need for stability and safety for herself and her family.

External Goal: 7

Wendy's external goal is to communicate with the ranger's office to inquire about the phone lines being down. This reflects her immediate need for information and assistance during the storm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Wendy and the ranger due to the phone line issues adds tension to the scene, while the snowball fight provides a lighter contrast.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating uncertainty and challenges for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the characters' relationships, setting up conflicts, and introducing elements of the hotel.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges and obstacles for the characters, keeping the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Wendy's desire for immediate solutions and the ranger's acceptance of the situation as a common occurrence during winter storms. This challenges Wendy's belief in control and agency in difficult situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the characters, from playfulness during the snowball fight to frustration during the communication breakdown.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially during the communication breakdown scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates suspense through the characters' communication and the unfolding events during the snowstorm.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and progressing the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, effectively building tension and progressing the narrative.


Critique
  • This scene is not very engaging or visually interesting. It is mostly just a series of shots of Wendy and Danny playing in the snow and Jack watching them from the window.
  • The dialogue is not very interesting or revealing. It is mostly just small talk and exposition.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in any meaningful way.
  • The use of black frames with superimposed text to indicate the passage of time is a bit jarring and unnecessary.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more tension or conflict, developing the characters more, and making the dialogue more interesting.
Suggestions
  • Add a conflict to the scene, such as Wendy and Danny getting lost in the snow or Jack becoming jealous of their relationship.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Make the dialogue more interesting and revealing by having the characters talk about their feelings and relationships.
  • Remove the black frames with superimposed text and use other methods to indicate the passage of time, such as changes in lighting or weather.
  • Consider adding some more visually interesting elements to the scene, such as a snowstorm or a chase sequence.



Scene 18 -  Stormy Day at the Overlook Hotel: Wendy's Frustration and Danny's Fear
INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY, holding mike, seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
Boy, this storm is really something,
isn't it? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio - speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Oh yes. It's one of the worst
we've had for years. Is there
anything else we can do for you,
Mrs. Torrance? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding mike seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
I suppose not. Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio - speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Well, if you folks have any problems
up there just give us a call, and
Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding mike - seated on cabinet with one foot up on
desk.
59.


RANGER
(over radio)
I think it might be a good idea if
you leave your radio on all the
time now. Over.

WENDY
(into mike)
Okay. We'll do that. It was real
nice talking to you. Bye. Over
and Out.

WENDY puts down mike.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - GREEN CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

DANNY pedals away along corridor on his tricycle. CAMERA
TRACKS after him. He exits cam.R at the end of corridor.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD along empty corridor.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

DANNY pedals away along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
He turns corner and stops as he sees the two GRADY Girls at
the end.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. The two GRADY Girls at
end of corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
Hullo, Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

GRADY GIRLS (OFF)
Come and play with us.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. The two GRADY Girls at
end of corridor.
60.


GRADY GIRLS
Come and play with us, Danny.

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls laying on floor covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Walls
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Two GRADY Girls, holding hands and standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
For ever...

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls lying on floor, covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Wall
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands and standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
... and ever...

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls lying on floor covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Wall
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
...and ever.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls lying on floor covered with bloodstains.
Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g.
61.


Wall covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY reacts. He puts hands over his eyes. Then he
opens his fingers and looks through them.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY's P.O.V. Empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY looking through his open fingers. He lowers
his hands from his face.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. in empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Tony, I'm scared.

He raises up his R.hand and wiggles his forefinger as he
speaks.

TONY
Remember what Mr. Halloran said.
It's just like pictures in a book,
Danny. It isn't real.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

MONDAY.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy, the ranger, and Danny are the characters in this scene. Wendy tries to get help from the ranger over the radio due to the storm, but receives none. Danny encounters the ghosts of the Grady sisters and becomes scared, seeking comfort from his imaginary friend Tony. The scene takes place in the Overlook Hotel's office during the day and later moves to a hotel corridor. The conflicts in this scene include Wendy's frustration with the ranger and Danny's fear of the ghosts, which remain unresolved. The tone is tense and eerie, with significant visual elements being the stormy weather, empty hotel corridor, and ghostly appearance of the Grady sisters. The scene ends with Danny talking to Tony about being scared and the screen fading to black with the superimposition of 'Monday'.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating an eerie atmosphere
  • Exploring supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the eerie encounter with the ghostly girls and Danny's unsettling conversation with Tony. It sets a foreboding tone for the rest of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of supernatural elements, psychological horror, and the exploration of Danny's 'shining' ability are well-executed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Danny's supernatural abilities are further explored, and the ominous atmosphere of the Overlook Hotel is established through the encounter with the ghostly girls.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted hotel setting, with subtle hints of supernatural elements and psychological horror.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Danny and Tony, are intriguing and add layers to the story with their supernatural connection and mysterious interactions.

Character Changes: 6

Danny's character undergoes a subtle change as he grapples with his supernatural abilities and the presence of Tony, hinting at deeper character development to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and stay calm despite the unsettling events happening around her. This reflects her deeper need for stability and protection for herself and her son.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the safety of her family during the storm and the strange occurrences in the hotel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the real and the supernatural, as well as Danny's internal struggles with his abilities, creates a sense of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene comes from the supernatural elements and the psychological horror of Danny's visions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the supernatural encounters, Danny's mysterious abilities, and the ominous presence of the ghostly girls, raising the tension and danger for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing supernatural elements, deepening the mystery of the Overlook Hotel, and setting the stage for further exploration of Danny's abilities.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the Grady Girls and the unsettling imagery of bloodstains and an axe.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of reality versus imagination. Danny's visions and the appearance of the Grady Girls challenge Wendy's beliefs about what is real and what is not.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the audience, drawing them into the eerie and unsettling atmosphere of the Overlook Hotel.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Danny and Tony is cryptic and adds to the eerie atmosphere of the scene, enhancing the supernatural elements.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its eerie atmosphere, suspenseful dialogue, and the introduction of a chilling supernatural element.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the appearance of the Grady Girls.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a horror screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a horror film, building suspense and tension through dialogue and visual cues.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and could be more concise.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict, making it difficult to engage the audience.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting with the use of different camera angles and lighting.
  • The scene could be more effective if the characters were more developed and had more depth.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the dialogue and focus on the most important parts of the conversation.
  • Add more conflict and tension to the scene by having the characters disagree or face a challenge.
  • Use different camera angles and lighting to create a more visually interesting scene.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Consider adding some humor to the scene to lighten the mood.



Scene 19 -  Jack and Danny's Heartfelt Connection
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.S.

Play on Television set, CAMERA TRACKS BACK from set to
reveal WENDY, seated on sofa cam.L, watching set, DANNY
seated on floor watching set also cam.R.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Please let me give you some money.
62.


HERMIE
(on T.V.)
Oh I wouldn't think of it.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Well how can I repay you?

HERMIE
(on T.V.)
It's okay, really.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Well I'm going to have some coffee.
Would you like some?

HERMIE
(on T.V.)
Sure.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Great. Sit down. Oh these
marvellous doughnuts, help yourself.
Coffee will be ready in a few
minutes.

Play on Television continues inaudibly in b.g.

DANNY
Mom?

WENDY
Yes?

DANNY
Can I go to my room and get my
fire-engine?

WENDY
Not right now, Daddy's asleep.

DANNY
I won't make any noise.

WENDY
Come on, Doc. He only went to bed
a few hours ago. Can't you wait
till later?

DANNY
I won't make a sound, I promise.
I'll tip-toe.
63.


WENDY
Well all right. But really don't
make a sound.

DANNY
I won't, Mom.

DANNY stands up and runs out cam.L.

WENDY
Make sure you come right back,
'cause I'm going to make lunch soon.
Okay?

DANNY (OFF)
Okay, Mom.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.C.S.

Door opens and DANNY appears. He enters room - CAMERA
TRACKS BACK with him as he walks forward up steps. He looks
to cam.R. CAMERA PANS L-R to JACK sitting on edge of bed.
JACK looks towards camera.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK seated on bed cam.R.f.g. DANNY standing at open
door in b.g.

DANNY
Can I go to my room and get my
fire-engine?

JACK
Come here for a minute, first.

JACK holds out his hand to DANNY, who walks forward.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting on bed. DANNY enters cam.L.f.g. and stops
cam.R of JACK. JACK sits DANNY on his knee and puts his
arms round him, kissing him.

JACK
How's it going, Doc?

DANNY
Okay.

CUT TO:
64.


M.S. JACK over DANNY seated on his knee.

JACK
Are you having a good time?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

JACK
Good. I want you to have a good
time.

DANNY
I am, Dad. Dad?

JACK
Yes.

DANNY
Do you feel bad?

JACK shakes his head.

JACK
No. I'm just a little tired.

DANNY
Then why don't you go to sleep?

JACK
I can't. I have too much to do.

DANNY
Dad?

JACK
Yes?

DANNY
Do you like this hotel?

JACK smiles and looks at DANNY.

JACK
Yes I do. I love it. Don't you?

DANNY
I guess so.

JACK
Good. I want you to like it here.
I wish we could stay here for ever,
and ever... ever.
65.


DANNY
Dad?

JACK
What?

DANNY
You wouldn't ever hurt Mummy and
me, would you?

JACK
What do you mean?

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY over JACK.

JACK
Did your mother ever say that to
you - that I would hurt you?

DANNY
No, Dad.

JACK
Are you sure?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over DANNY.

JACK
I love you, Danny. I love you more
than anything else in the whole
world, and I'd never do anything to
hurt you, never... You know that,
don't you, huh?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

JACK
Good.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES

Superimposition over:
66.


WEDNESDAY

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Wendy and Danny watch TV in the hotel lobby, where Danny requests his toy fire-engine from their room. Wendy declines, but later Jack agrees, taking the opportunity to bond with Danny. They move to Jack's apartment, having a tender conversation where Jack expresses his love and protection for Danny, creating a heartfelt moment between them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful and delves into the core relationship between Jack and Danny, showcasing vulnerability and love. The dialogue is well-crafted and evokes a sense of tenderness and protection.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the father-son relationship and Jack's reassurance towards Danny is well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and sets the tone for their dynamic throughout the story.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot, it provides crucial character development and sets the emotional tone for future events. It adds layers to the characters' motivations and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family dynamics in a suspenseful setting, with authentic and emotionally resonant character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene excels in character development, particularly in showcasing Jack's protective nature and Danny's vulnerability. Their interactions feel authentic and add complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there isn't a significant character change in this scene, it reinforces the bond between Jack and Danny and sets the stage for potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety and well-being of his family, particularly his son Danny. This reflects his deeper need for love, security, and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to bond with his son and reassure him of his love and protection. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining a positive relationship with his family in the isolated and potentially dangerous setting of the hotel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the emotional connection between Jack and Danny. The conflict is internal, with Jack reassuring Danny of his love and protection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces internal doubts and fears while trying to reassure his son and maintain a sense of normalcy.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the personal and emotional aspects of the characters' relationship. The emphasis is on the bond between Jack and Danny rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't propel the plot forward significantly but lays the groundwork for future events by establishing the emotional dynamics between the characters. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the underlying tension and uncertainty in the characters' interactions, particularly in the protagonist's reassurances to his son.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between love and fear, as the protagonist grapples with his desire to protect his family while also facing his own inner demons and doubts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tenderness, love, and vulnerability. It resonates with the audience on an emotional level and deepens the connection to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is the highlight of the scene, capturing the emotional depth of the characters and their relationship. It is poignant, realistic, and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters, as well as the suspenseful atmosphere created by the setting and dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character motivations and interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. While it briefly touches upon Danny's request to retrieve his fire engine, the conversation quickly shifts to Jack expressing his love and protection for Danny. The transition feels disjointed and leaves the viewer without a sense of what the scene is trying to accomplish.
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive, with Jack repeatedly asking Danny questions about his well-being and expressing his love. This repetition can become monotonous and hinder the flow of the conversation.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition, with Jack stating his love for the hotel and his desire to stay there forever. While exposition can provide necessary information, it is best used sparingly and integrated into the narrative in a more natural way.
  • The scene lacks visual interest and dynamism. The characters are mostly stationary, and the camera work is limited. Consider incorporating more movement or varying the shot compositions to make the scene more visually engaging.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clearer purpose for the scene. Is it to demonstrate Jack's love for Danny, to foreshadow future events, or to explore another aspect of the characters' relationship?
  • Vary the dialogue and avoid repetition. Find different ways for Jack to express his feelings and concerns without repeating the same phrases.
  • Incorporate more action or movement into the scene. Have the characters move around the room, interact with objects, or engage in some physical activity to create visual interest.
  • Consider using flashbacks or intercutting with other scenes to provide backstory or context. This can help break up the exposition and make it more engaging.
  • Consider adding subtext or layers to the dialogue. What is Jack not saying? What is he thinking or feeling that he is not expressing directly?



Scene 20 -  Jack's Disturbing Nightmare and Danny's Search for Wendy
EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Shooting across snow to Hotel in b.g. Three lit windows.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO ROOM 237 - M.C.S.

High Angle - DANNY playing on floor with toy cars and trucks.
CAMERA TRACKS UP & BACK - yellow ball rolls in from f.g. and
stops by one of DANNY's trucks. DANNY looks up.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY, back to camera, in f.g. looking away along
empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY kneeling on the floor by his toys. He stands up.

DANNY
Mom?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY, back to camera, in f.g. Empty corridor in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY walks forward along corridor - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
with him.

DANNY
Mom?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Empty corridor. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD to open door
of Room 237.

DANNY (OFF)
Mom, are you in there?

CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD into room.

DISSOLVE TO:
67.


INT. HOTEL - BOILER ROOM - M.S.

WENDY, holding clipboard. She looks at dials on boiler -
then moves R-L to second boiler. CAMERA PANS with her. She
looks at dials - then moves R-L to switchboard and presses
two switches. She reacts as she hears JACK off groaning in
his sleep. She puts down clipboard and moves L-R. CAMERA
PANS with her. She starts to run away to entrance.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.S.

JACK leaning forward in chair with head resting on table.
He groans and cries out as he sleeps. CAMERA TRACKS IN on
them.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO LOUNGE - M.S.

WENDY running away along corridor - CAMERA TRACKS after her.

WENDY
Jack...

WENDY turns corner to entrance to Lounge.

WENDY
Jack... Jack...

WENDY runs forward into Lounge and goes to JACK asleep at
table. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

WENDY
Jack, honey, what's wrong?

She puts her hands on his arm and back. JACK stirs and
falls off chair onto floor.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK groans as he lies on floor. WENDY enters cam.R
and takes hold of his arm, assisting up onto his knees. He
groans and gasps.

WENDY
What happened, honey? Hon? What's
wrong? Jack!

She smoothes his hair with her hand.
68.


JACK
I had... I had the most terrible
nightmare I ever had. It's the
most horrible dream I ever had.

WENDY
It's okay. It's okay, now. Really.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK & WENDY

JACK
I dreamed that I... that I killed
you and Danny.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over WENDY.

JACK
But I didn't just kill you, I cut
you up into little pieces.

He puts his hand up to his eyes.

JACK
Oh...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK handed up to his eyes - and WENDY.

JACK
My God, I must be losing my mind!

He lowers his hand.

WENDY
Every...everything is just going to
be all right. Come on. Here let's
get up off the floor.

WENDY puts hand under his arm and he starts to rise.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and emotional scene, Danny, playing with toys in the hotel corridor, approaches room 237 and calls for his mother, Wendy, who is in the boiler room. Meanwhile, Jack, in the lounge, experiences a disturbing nightmare where he kills Wendy and Danny. Wendy rushes to Jack's side, providing comfort as he shares his nightmare. The scene ends with Wendy helping Jack up from the floor, leaving Jack's internal conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Psychological horror elements
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through Jack's nightmare revelation, showcasing the psychological depth of the characters and setting a foreboding tone for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Jack's darkest fears and inner turmoil through a nightmare adds depth to his character and foreshadows potential conflicts within the family dynamic.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Jack's nightmare reveals his inner demons and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character developments in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the psychological thriller genre by focusing on the internal struggles and fears of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Jack's vulnerability and Wendy's concern shining through in this scene. Their emotional depth adds layers to the story and engages the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Jack's nightmare revelation marks a significant change in his character, revealing his inner demons and setting the stage for potential growth or downfall.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to comfort her husband and reassure him after he has a nightmare. This reflects her deeper desire to maintain their relationship and protect her family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to understand what is troubling her husband and help him overcome his fears. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with his emotional distress.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict within Jack's mind and the potential threat to his family create a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the husband's fears and nightmares create a significant obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as Jack's nightmare hints at the potential danger he poses to his family, raising the tension and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' conflicts and foreshadowing potential challenges ahead, adding layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of the husband's nightmare and the emotional turmoil it causes for the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in the strength of their family unit versus her husband's fears and insecurities. It challenges her values of loyalty and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is significant as Jack's nightmare revelation evokes fear and concern, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and fears, enhancing the tension and unease in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and psychological depth of the characters, as well as the suspenseful atmosphere created by the setting and dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the standard conventions of screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a psychological thriller, building tension and suspense through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a series of establishing shots that are not particularly engaging or necessary for the story. Consider starting the scene with a more dynamic shot that immediately draws the viewer into the action.
  • The dialogue in the scene is often repetitive and exposition-heavy. Try to find more natural and engaging ways for the characters to communicate their thoughts and feelings.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict or stakes. What is at stake for the characters in this scene? What do they want, and what are the obstacles preventing them from getting it?
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering. Consider cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene more taut and suspenseful.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Leave the viewer with a sense of anticipation or intrigue to keep them engaged in the story.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a shot of Danny playing with his toys in the hotel corridor. The camera could track up and back as the yellow ball rolls in from the foreground and stops by one of Danny's trucks. This would create a sense of mystery and intrigue, as the viewer is unsure of what is going to happen next.
  • Add more conflict to the scene by having Danny encounter a strange or threatening figure in the hallway. This could be a ghost, a stranger, or even just a strange sound. This would raise the stakes for Danny and make the scene more suspenseful.
  • Develop the characters of Wendy and Jack more by giving them more backstory and motivation. This would help the viewer to understand their actions and decisions, and make them more sympathetic.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene by using different camera angles and movements. This could help to create a sense of atmosphere and suspense.
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger that leaves the viewer wanting more. This could be a shocking revelation, a sudden twist, or a hint of something sinister to come.



Scene 21 -  Wendy's Discovery
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.L.S.

DANNY back to camera in f.g. walks into Lounge. In b.g.
WENDY helps JACK up into his chair. INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.
WENDY turns to DANNY and throws up her arm. CAMERA TRACKS
FORWARD with DANNY.
69.


WENDY
Danny! Everything's okay... Just
go play in your room for a while.
Your Dad's just got a headache.
Danny - mind what I say. Go play
in your room!

WENDY bends down to JACK.

WENDY
Hon, let me just go and get him out
of here. I'll be right back.

WENDY moves R-L behind table and moves forward to DANNY in
f.g.

WENDY
Danny, why don't you mind me - huh?
Danny.

She crouches down before DANNY and turns him cam.L to face
her, and the window. He is sucking his thumb. She sees
mark on his neck and tilts his head over sideways.

WENDY
Oh my God! Danny what happened to
your neck? Danny...

She pulls DANNY's thumb out of his mouth.

WENDY (CONT'D)
what happened to your neck, huh?

She puts her arms round him.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK, back to camera, leaning back in chair in f.g.
WENDY kneeling with her arms round DANNY in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK sitting in chair with his hand up to his head.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera leaning back in chair in f.g.
WENDY kneeling with her arms round DANNY in b.g. She stands
up and lifts DANNY up in her arms.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding DANNY in her arms.
70.


WENDY
You did this to him, didn't you?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

WENDY (OFF)
You son of a bitch! You did this
to him,

He shakes his head.

WENDY (OFF)(CONT'D)
didn't you?

He shakes his head.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY with DANNY in her arms moves backwards.

WENDY
How could you? How could you?

She turns and runs away to entrance in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He lowers his hand.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Horror"]

Summary Wendy helps Jack sit down in the hotel lounge due to his headache and sends Danny to his room. Wendy notices a mark on Danny's neck and becomes alarmed, accusing Jack of hurting their son. Jack denies the allegation, leading to a conflict between them. The scene ends with Wendy taking Danny and leaving Jack alone in the lounge, creating a tense and alarming atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Building tension
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in Jack's involvement in Danny's injury

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, filled with tension, emotion, and a significant revelation. It sets the stage for further conflict and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dynamics, hidden secrets, and psychological horror is effectively portrayed in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the revelation of Danny's injury and the implication of Jack's involvement, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its portrayal of a family facing internal conflict and danger in a haunted hotel. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and motivations are vividly portrayed, especially Wendy's shock and anger and Jack's guilt and denial.

Character Changes: 8

Wendy experiences a significant shift in her perception of Jack, while Jack's guilt and denial are further revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect her son and confront her husband about his behavior. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the danger her husband poses to their family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront her husband about the harm he has caused their son. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a dangerous situation within their family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Wendy and Jack reaches a boiling point, leading to a dramatic confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a difficult challenge in confronting her husband about his actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the family dynamics are further strained, and the truth about Danny's injury comes to light.

Story Forward: 8

The scene advances the story by revealing a crucial piece of information and deepening the conflict within the family.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and revelations from the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in protecting her son and her husband's violent behavior. This challenges her values of family and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Wendy's shock and anger.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and escalating the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the scene moving at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective scene transitions.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for its genre, with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a long master shot that is too static and does not provide much visual interest.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and does not reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict, and as a result, it feels aimless and unfocused.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition, which is delivered in a clunky and unnatural way.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without any sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a closer shot that focuses on the characters' faces and expressions.
  • Use the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' personalities and their relationship to each other.
  • Introduce a clear goal or conflict that will drive the scene forward.
  • Find more creative ways to deliver the exposition, such as through the use of flashbacks or dialogue that is more natural and engaging.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by providing a sense of closure or resolution.



Scene 22 -  Jack's Struggle: A Night at the Overlook Hotel Bar
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

JACK enters cam.L in b.g. and walks forward. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before him. He mutters and flings his arms about. He
stops and looks at notice on trestle - "THE GOLD ROOM." JACK
moves L-R into entrance of Ballroom. He reaches out cam.L
and switches on lights - then moves away to lit bar in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - M.L.S.

JACK walks L-R across Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with
him to bar.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK leans over counter and looks down.
71.


JACK
(to himself)
God, I'd give anything for a drink?

JACK sits down and puts his hands up to his face.

JACK
My goddam soul, just a glass of beer.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK with his hands up to his face. He lowers his
hands and looks - he lowers hands to bar and smiles.

JACK
Hi Lloyd.

JACK looks cam.R then back at camera.

JACK
A little slow tonight, isn't it?

JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

M.S. LLOYD standing behind bar.

LLOYD
Yes, it is, Mr. Torrance.

LLOYD moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK revealing JACK
seated at bar.

LLOYD
What'll it be?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Now I'm awfully glad you asked me
that, Lloyd, because I just happen
to have two twenties and two tens
right here in my wallet. I was
afraid they were going to be there
until next April. So here's what:
you slip me a bottle of Bourbon, a
glass and some ice. You can do
that, can't you, Lloyd? You're not
to busy, are you?

CUT TO:
72.


M.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
No, sir. I'm not busy at all.

LLOYD turns away to bottles of shelf.

JACK (OFF)
Good man.

LLOYD turns with bottle and glass to counter.

JACK (OFF)
You set them up, and I'll knock
them back, Lloyd, one by one.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting at bar. LLOYD puts bottle and glass down
on bar. LLOYD puts ice in glass and fills it from bottle.

JACK
White man's burden, Lloyd my man.
White man's burden.

JACK looks at his wallet then at LLOYD.

JACK
Say, Lloyd, it seems I'm temporarily
light.

JACK laughs.

JACK
How's my credit in this joint anyway?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Your credit's fine, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
That's swell. I like you, Lloyd.
I always liked you. You were
always the best of them.
(MORE)
73.


JACK (CONT'D)
Best goddamned bartender from
Timbuctoo to Portland Maine -
Portland Oregon for that matter.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Thank you for saying so.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK looks at his glass.

JACK
Here's to five miserable months on
the wagon and all the irreparable
harm that it's caused me.

He drinks and lowers his glass - then looks at LLOYD.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting at bar. LLOYD behind bar.

LLOYD
How are things going, Mr. Torrance?

JACK
Things could be better, Lloyd.
Things could be a whole lot better.

LLOYD
I hope it's nothing serious.

JACK taps on bar and LLOYD fills up his glass.

JACK
No, nothing serious.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Just a little problem with the...
old sperm bank upstairs.

JACK laughs.
74.


JACK
Nothing that I can't handle though,
Lloyd. Thanks.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Women! Can't live with 'em. Can't
live without 'em!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. He points finger at LLOYD.

JACK
Words of wisdom, Lloyd. Words of
wisdom.

JACK drinks - then swirls drink round in glass, putting
glass down on counter.

JACK
I haven't laid a hand on him.
Goddam it, I didn't. I wouldn't
touch one hair of his goddam little
head. I love the little son-of-a-
bitch.

JACK laughs.

JACK
I'd do anything for him. Any
fucking thing for him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

JACK (OFF)
That damn bitch.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
As long as I live she'll never let
me forget what happened!

He looks cam.L then cam.R -- throwing his hands out and
sighing.
75.


JACK
I did hurt him once, okay? It was
an accident, complete unintentional.
It could have happened to anybody.

He raps on counter with hand.

JACK
And it was three goddam years ago.
The little fucker had thrown all my
papers all over the floor. All I
tried to do was to pull him up. A
momentary loss of muscular
coordination. I mean... A few
extra foot pounds of energy, per
second... per second.

JACK gestures with his hands.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Jack Torrance, a middle-aged man struggling with alcoholism, enters the ballroom of the Overlook Hotel and approaches the bar. He interacts with the bartender, Lloyd, and orders a drink despite his low cash supply and previous harm caused by alcohol. The scene is friendly and conversational, but melancholic and regretful due to Jack's internal conflict. The scene ends with Jack enjoying his drink and discussing his personal struggles.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Revealing character insights through dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Focus on internal conflict rather than external events

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the psychological complexity of Jack's character and sets a tense and emotional tone for the unfolding events. The dialogue is impactful and reveals important insights into Jack's mindset.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Jack's inner struggles and past traumas adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for future developments in the story.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it provides crucial character development and foreshadows potential conflicts within the family dynamic.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of addiction and family dynamics, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into Jack's character, showcasing his internal conflicts and complex emotions. Wendy's concern for Danny is also highlighted, adding layers to her character.

Character Changes: 8

Jack's confession and emotional outpouring indicate a significant shift in his character, revealing his vulnerabilities and inner demons. This moment sets the stage for potential character growth or further deterioration.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Jack, is struggling with his internal desire for alcohol as a coping mechanism. This reflects his deeper need for escape and numbness from his problems.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to obtain a drink from the bartender, Lloyd. This reflects the immediate challenge of his craving for alcohol.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Jack and the underlying tension between him and Wendy hint at potential conflicts that may arise in the future, adding suspense to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding complexity to Jack's internal struggles and creating uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through Jack's internal struggles and the strained relationships within the family, hinting at potential dangers and conflicts that may arise in the future.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not directly propel the main plot forward, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and foreshadows future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Jack's internal struggle with his past actions and his relationship with his family. It challenges his beliefs about responsibility and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly regarding Jack's internal turmoil and the strained relationships within the family.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters' motivations and past experiences. It effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and tense atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into Jack's emotional turmoil.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, effectively guiding the reader through the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character-driven dialogue scenes, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with Jack's actions and dialogue feeling disjointed and disconnected.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Lloyd feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The portrayal of Jack's inner turmoil and struggle with alcoholism and his relationship with his family is not effectively conveyed in this scene.
  • There is a lack of tension and suspense in the interaction between Jack and Lloyd, making the scene fall flat and fail to engage the audience.
  • The transition between Jack's internal monologue and his interactions with Lloyd feels abrupt and poorly executed.
  • The scene does not effectively build upon the existing tension and conflicts in the script, missing an opportunity to further develop the narrative and character dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the dialogue to make it more engaging and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Add more depth to Jack's inner turmoil and his struggles with alcoholism, making his interactions with Lloyd more meaningful and impactful.
  • Enhance the tension and suspense in the scene by creating a clearer sense of conflict and escalating the stakes for Jack.
  • Consider reworking the transition between Jack's internal thoughts and his external actions to create a more seamless and coherent narrative flow.
  • Use this scene as an opportunity to further explore Jack's character development and relationships with other characters, adding layers to the overall story.



Scene 23 -  Wendy's Distress and Jack's Disbelief
INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY, sobbing, runs forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK with her and PANS L-R into Ballroom. She runs away to
JACK sitting at bat in b.g.

WENDY
Oh Jack!
(sobs)
Thank God you're here.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - M.S.

JACK sitting back to camera at bar. WENDY enters cam.R.

WENDY
(OFF)
Jack,
(IN SHOT)
Jack, there's someone else in the
hotel with us. There's a crazy
woman in one of the rooms. She
tried to strangle Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK
76.


JACK
Are you out of your fucking mind?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY over JACK.

WENDY
No. It's the truth, really. I
swear it. Danny told me. He went
up into one of the bedrooms, the
door was open, and he saw this
crazy woman in the bath-tub. She
tried to strangle him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Which room was it?

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI APARTMENT - M.C.S.

Montage of shots on T.V. Set for program "NEWSWATCH."

DISC JOCKEY (OFF)
(on T.V.)
From Channel 10 in Miami, this is
Newswatch - with Glen Rinker and
Bishop, and the award winning
Newswatch team.

CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal T.V. Set. HALLORAN's bare feet
and legs on bed in f.g. Shot of GLEN RINKER on T.V. Set
with superimposed title:

'10 GLEN RINKER WPLG MIAMI'

GLEN RINKER
(on T.V.)
Good evening. I'm Glen Rinker
Newswatch 10. While Miami continues
to swelter in a record winter
heatwave bringing temperatures to
the mid and upper nineties, the
Central and Rocky Mountain States
are buried in snow.
(MORE)
77.


GLEN RINKER (CONT'D)
In Colorado ten inches of snow has
fallen in just a few hours tonight.
Travel in the Rockies is almost
impossible.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN - CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal him lying on
bed, watching T.V.

GLEN RINKER (OFF)
(on T.V.)
Airports are shut down stranding
thousands of passengers. Highways
are blocked by snowdrifts. Railroad
tracks are frozen. Officials in
Colorado tell Newswatch at least
three people have been killed by
exposure to freezing winds. The
Governor of Colorado is expected
tomorrow to declare a weather
emergency. The National Guard
might be called out to clear
streets and roads. Weather
forecasters predict more snow and
heavy winds tonight and tomorrow,
with temperatures dropping well
below zero.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN's feet and legs on beg in f.g. GLEN RINKER on
T.V. Set at foot of bed.

GLEN RINKER
(on T.V.)
Back here in South Florida, we've
got just the opposite problem; the
heat and humidity are supposed to
climb.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN lying on pillows. CAMERA TRACKS IN to C.S.
his face, as he reacts.

GLEN RINKER (OFF)
(on T.V.)
Local beaches should be jammed.
Our weather expert Walter Cronice
will have the local forecast later
on.
78.


COMMENTATOR continues inaudibly in b.g.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Wendy, upset, seeks help from Jack after finding a stranger in the hotel who tried to harm Danny, but Jack expresses disbelief and anger at her claims. The scene cuts to a montage of news reports about extreme weather conditions in other parts of the country. The conflict between Wendy and Jack remains unresolved, with Wendy insisting on the presence of the stranger and Jack dismissing her concerns. The tone of the scene is tense and confrontational.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Creating emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals crucial information, setting the stage for further conflict and suspense. The emotional impact is strong, and the introduction of the mysterious woman adds a new layer of fear and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hidden danger within the hotel and the impending snowstorm creates a sense of claustrophobia and danger. The scene effectively introduces these elements and sets up future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of the mysterious woman and the escalating tension between Wendy and Jack. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh element of danger and suspense through the unexpected presence of a 'crazy woman' in the hotel, adding a layer of unpredictability to the narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and heighten the sense of urgency.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Wendy's emotional distress and Jack's initial disbelief add depth to their characters. The scene sets up potential character growth and reveals their vulnerabilities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development, especially for Jack and Wendy as they confront the new threat.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to protect her son Danny and ensure his safety in the face of a perceived threat. This reflects her deep need for security and protection as a mother.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Jack of the danger they are facing in the hotel. This reflects the immediate challenge of getting Jack to believe her and take action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Wendy's fear and Jack's skepticism creates tension and suspense. The revelation of the mysterious woman adds a new layer of conflict and danger to the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Wendy faces resistance from Jack in convincing him of the danger they are facing. The uncertainty of Jack's reaction adds to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the presence of a dangerous woman in the hotel threatens the safety of the characters. The impending snowstorm adds to the sense of isolation and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up future developments and adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden introduction of a new threat and the characters' conflicting beliefs and actions. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and belief. Wendy believes in the danger they are facing, while Jack initially doubts her story. This challenges their beliefs and values, especially in a high-stress situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Wendy's distress and fear are palpable. The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and concern for the characters' safety, especially with the introduction of the mysterious woman.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and fear of the situation, especially through Wendy's desperate attempts to convince Jack of the danger. It also sets the tone for the escalating conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intense emotions, and the sense of imminent danger faced by the characters. The audience is drawn into the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with quick cuts and intense dialogue that maintain a sense of urgency and suspense. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in building tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the flow of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a suspenseful thriller, with quick cuts between characters and locations to build tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue is unnatural and does not sound like the way people talk. For example, Wendy says, "Oh Jack! Thank God you're here." This is not something that someone would say in real life. It sounds like something out of a bad soap opera.
  • The scene is too short and does not give the reader enough time to get to know the characters or the situation. As a result, the scene feels rushed and underdeveloped.
  • The conflict between Jack and Wendy is not clear. It is not clear what Jack has done to make Wendy so upset. This makes it difficult for the reader to understand the scene and to sympathize with either character.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with a sense of confusion and dissatisfaction. It is not clear what happens to Jack and Wendy after they leave the ballroom.
  • The scene is full of typos and grammatical errors.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and realistic.
  • Expand the scene so that the reader has more time to get to know the characters and the situation.
  • Clarify the conflict between Jack and Wendy.
  • Add a resolution to the scene, so that the reader knows what happens to the characters.
  • Proofread the scene carefully before submitting it.
  • Add more details to the scene to make it more interesting and engaging.
  • Consider if the content in this scene is necessary to move the plot forward.



Scene 24 -  Deception and Suspicion at the Overlook
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

Open door of Room 237.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY, his head shaking.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Mantlepiece and fireplace. CAMERA PANS R-L across room to
open door. Then TRACKS FORWARD through doorway to slightly
open door of bathroom. CAMERA STOPS TRACKING. Door swings
open to reveal YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain. She draws
curtain aside with hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he smiles.

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY stands up in bath.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY steps out of bath.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he smiles.

CUT TO:
79.


M.S. YOUNG LADY walks forward from bath and stops in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he moves forward.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward to YOUNG LADY - she puts her arms
round his neck. He puts his arms round her and they kiss.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over YOUNG LADY as they kiss. He opens his eyes
and reacts. He pulls back from YOUNG LADY - CAMERA PANS L-R
onto mirror. JACK & WOMAN reflected in it. He sees that
she is covered with scars. He takes his arms away from
her - she starts to laugh.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY - he is shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - BATHROOM - M.S.

ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK shaking his head as he backs out of bathroom.

CUT TO:

M.S. Naked ELDERLY WOMAN laughing as she walks forward with
outstretched arms.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Naked ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. WOMAN LAUGHING
OFF.

CUT TO:
80.


M.S. JACK backs down steps into living room - WOMAN LAUGHING
OFF.

CUT TO:

M.S. Naked ELDERLY WOMAN laughing, as she walks forward with
outstretched arms.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - C.S.

DANNY shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Naked ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. She starts to
sit up. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK backs out of Room 237 into corridor. He closes the
door and locks it - then backs away along corridor. He
exits cam.L. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MIAMI APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN telephone up to ear. He dials number, then picks
up phone and walks R-L to window. He turns and walks back
L-R. He puts phone down.

OPERATOR
(over phone)
We are sorry your call cannot be
completed as dialed. If you need
assistance, please call the operator.

He puts telephone down.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY moves R-L in b.g. sobbing. KNOCK ON DOOR OFF. She
reacts and runs forward.

WENDY
Jack?
81.


JACK (OFF)
Yes, it's me.

She moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with her down steps to front
door. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after her.

WENDY
Oh, thank God!

WENDY takes chain off door and opens it. JACK enters
apartment.

WENDY
Did you find anything?

JACK
No, nothing at all.

JACK closes front door.

JACK
I didn't see one goddam thing.

JACK & WENDY walks forward and move up steps to DANNY's
bedroom. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

WENDY
You went into the room Danny said -
to 237?

JACK
Yes, I did.

WENDY
And you didn't see anything at all?

JACK
Absolutely nothing. How is he?

JACK moves R-L and looks into darkened bedroom.

WENDY
He's still asleep.

JACK
Good.

JACK closes bedroom door and turns to WENDY.

JACK
I'm sure he'll be himself again in
the morning.
82.


They move L-R into Living Room. CAMERA PANS with them and
TRACKS after them across room.

WENDY
Well, are you sure it was the right
room? I mean, maybe Danny made a
mistake?

WENDY & JACK move into their bedroom.

JACK
He must have gone into that room -
the door was open and the lights
were on.

WENDY sits on bed.

WENDY
Oh, I just don't understand.

JACK sits down on bed beside her.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY sobbing.

WENDY
Well what about those bruises on
his neck?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.

WENDY
Somebody did that to him.

JACK
I think he did it to himself.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY shakes her head.

WENDY
No! No, that's not possible.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.
83.


JACK
Wendy, once you rule out his
version of what happened, there is
no other explanation - is there?
It wouldn't be that different from
the episode that he had before we
came up here, would it?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Jack enters room 237 and encounters a terrifying vision, while Danny, in his bedroom, is disturbed by the same presence. Meanwhile, Halloran tries to contact the hotel but fails. Back in the Torrance's apartment, Wendy is worried about Danny's bruises and confronts Jack, who lies about not finding anything in room 237. The scene is filled with tension and suspicion, as Wendy becomes more suspicious of Jack's behavior and Jack continues to deceive her. The visual elements of this scene further contribute to the sense of unease and foreboding, setting the stage for the conflicts that will arise later in the story.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Emotional depth in character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals a crucial piece of information that adds depth to the story. The emotional impact and suspenseful atmosphere keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted hotel and the psychological unraveling of the characters is well-executed in this scene. The revelation in Room 237 adds a new layer of complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation in Room 237, leading to heightened conflict and emotional stakes for the characters. The scene sets up important developments for the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted hotel trope by focusing on psychological horror and the protagonist's internal struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene reveal their vulnerabilities and fears, deepening their development. Jack's denial and Wendy's concern add depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Jack's denial and Wendy's increasing worry showcase a shift in their dynamic and emotional states. The revelation in Room 237 forces them to confront uncomfortable truths and face the reality of their situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and understand the strange events happening in the hotel. This reflects his deeper need for security and stability, as well as his fear of losing control or being unable to protect his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the mysterious occurrences in Room 237 and ensure the safety of his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with supernatural forces and maintaining a sense of normalcy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jack and Wendy regarding Danny's well-being creates tension and suspense in the scene. Jack's denial and Wendy's growing concern heighten the emotional conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing supernatural forces and his own internal doubts. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Danny's safety is called into question, and the characters grapple with the supernatural forces at play in the hotel. The revelation in Room 237 raises the stakes for the characters' survival.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing a crucial piece of information about the hotel's dark history and its impact on the characters. The revelation sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural elements and the protagonist's conflicting beliefs. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to reconcile the supernatural events with his rational beliefs. This challenges his worldview and forces him to confront the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and empathy for the characters, particularly Danny, as his safety is called into question. The emotional intensity of the revelation in Room 237 resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially in the tense exchange between Jack and Wendy. The conversations feel natural and contribute to the scene's atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its slow-paced buildup of tension, mysterious atmosphere, and intriguing character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic revelation. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre. The use of camera directions enhances the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a logical progression, building tension and suspense through visual cues and character interactions. It effectively sets up the mystery and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't normally talk.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags on without much happening.
  • The scene is too reliant on exposition. The characters spend a lot of time explaining things to each other instead of taking action.
  • The characters are not well-developed. The audience doesn't get a sense of who they are or what they want.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and conflict. What are the characters trying to achieve and what's stopping them?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Reduce the amount of exposition and focus on showing the characters in action.
  • Develop the characters by giving them clear goals, motivations, and flaws.



Scene 25 -  Wendy's Concerns Met with Dismissal and Anger
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.S.

DANNY lying awake on his bed. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack, whatever the explanation is,

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle Door with word "MURDER" written backwards
across it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY lying awake on his bed. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

WENDY (OFF)
I think we have to get Danny out of
here.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK over WENDY.

JACK
Get him out of here?

WENDY
Yes.

JACK
You mean just leave the hotel?

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:
84.


INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Blood gushing forward from lifts and surging up into camera
lens.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.C.S.

JACK over WENDY.

JACK
It is so fucking typical of you to
create a problem like this when I
finally have a chance to accomplish
something. When I'm really into my
work. I could really write my own
ticket if I went back to Boulder
now, couldn't I?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY & JACK sitting on bed - JACK stands up and turns
to her.

JACK
Shovellings out driveways, work in
a car wash - any of that appeal to
you?

WENDY
Jack...

JACK
Wendy, I have let you fuck up my
life so far, but I'm not going to
let you fuck this up!

He starts to move away.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK walks forward from WENDY, sitting on bed. He
crosses living room and CAMERA PANS R-L with him to steps
leading to front door. He walks away down steps, opens
front door and walks away along corridor.

CUT TO:
85.


M.S. WENDY sitting on bed, starts to cry. She leans forward
and buries her face in her hands.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Wendy (played by Shelley Duvall) expresses her concern to Jack (played by Jack Nicholson) about something being wrong at the Overlook Hotel. Jack becomes increasingly agitated and dismissive of her worries, leading to a heated argument. The scene takes place in Danny's bedroom, Jack's apartment bedroom, and the hotel lobby. The main conflict is Wendy's concern about the hotel and Jack's dismissal of her worries. The tone is tense and emotional. Key pieces of dialogue include Wendy's expression of her concerns and Jack's dismissive responses. Significant visual elements include the shot of the door with 'MURDER' written backwards, blood gushing from the elevators, and Wendy crying on the bed. The scene ends with Wendy crying after Jack has left the hotel.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Well-developed characters
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of resolution on certain plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the conflict between Jack and Wendy, setting up a sense of danger and urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family in crisis within a haunted hotel is compelling and well-executed, adding depth to the horror elements.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters' relationships deteriorate and the threat to Danny becomes more apparent.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the word 'MURDER' written backwards on a door, adding a fresh and eerie twist to the familiar haunted hotel setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicting emotions driving the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jack and Wendy undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, leading to a shift in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Danny's internal goal is to protect himself and his family from the supernatural forces at play in the hotel. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the hotel and the escalating danger within it. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a boiling point, with high emotional stakes and a sense of imminent danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations that create uncertainty and tension for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The safety of Danny is at stake, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the escalating tension that keeps the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jack's desire for success and Wendy's concern for their safety. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about priorities and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and empathy for the characters' plight.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating tension and emotional turmoil between Jack and Wendy.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict between characters, and the sense of impending danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict between characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a focus on Danny, but then quickly shifts to Wendy and Jack's conversation about leaving the hotel. While this shift is not necessarily a problem, it might be more effective to maintain a consistent focus on one character's perspective throughout the scene. In this case, Wendy's concern for Danny's safety and her desire to leave the hotel could be a more compelling driving force for the scene.
  • The dialogue between Wendy and Jack is tense and confrontational, but it could be more impactful if it delved deeper into their emotions and motivations. For example, Wendy's fear for Danny's safety could be more explicitly stated, and Jack's anger and frustration could be more viscerally portrayed. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific details about the hotel and its isolation, which would help to heighten the sense of danger and urgency.
  • The visual elements of the scene are striking, particularly the shot of the word 'MURDER' written backwards on the door. However, the scene could be more effective if it used visual storytelling to complement the dialogue and action. For example, a shot of Danny looking scared or anxious could help to underscore Wendy's concern for his safety, and a shot of the hotel's empty corridors or isolated location could help to reinforce the sense of danger and isolation.
Suggestions
  • Consider focusing the scene more narrowly on Wendy's perspective, and using her fear for Danny's safety as the driving force for the action. This could help to create a more immediate and personal sense of danger and urgency.
  • Explore ways to make the dialogue more emotionally resonant and specific to the characters. For example, Wendy could express her fear and concern more explicitly, and Jack could respond with more visceral anger and frustration.
  • Use visual storytelling to complement the dialogue and action, and to help reinforce the sense of danger and isolation. For example, include shots of Danny looking scared or anxious, or of the hotel's empty corridors and isolated location.



Scene 26 -  Jack's Destructive Behavior and Halloran's Concern
INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.L.S.

JACK moves forward in kitchen. He sweeps coffee pot off
table onto floor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He kicks
coffee pots on floor, then sweeps rings off stove onto floor.
He kicks rings as he leaves kitchen, moving into corridor.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He stops and looks ahead.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR LEADING TO BALLROOM - M.L.S.

Empty corridor. Balloons and streamers strewn about.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN standing, phone up to ear.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening. Forest Service.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hallo. My name's Dick Halloran.
I'm the Head Chef up at the Overlook
Hotel.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening, Mr. Halloran. What
can I do for you?

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Sir, I've been trying to make an
urgent phone call up there,

He picks up phone and walks R-L to window. CAMERA PANS with
him.

HALLORAN (CONT'D)
(into phone)
but the operator said that the
phone lines are down.

CUT TO:
86.


INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio with phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
Yes, I'm afraid a lot of lines
around here are down, due to the
storm.

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear, at window.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Well, look sir, I hate to put you
to any trouble, but there's a
family up there all by themselves
with a young kid, and with this
storm and everything.

HALLORAN moves L-R. CAMERA TRACKS with him. He puts phone
on table.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
I'd sure appreciate it if you'd
give them a call on your radio just
to see if everything is okay.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio, phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
I'd be glad to do that, sir. Oh
why don't you call me back in about
eh twenty minutes?

HALLORAN
(over phone)
Thank you very much. I'll do that.

RANGER
(into phone)
All right, sir.
87.


RANGER puts phone down.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR & BALLROOM - M.L.S.

JACK walks forward along corridor to Ballroom. He turns L-R
into Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS with him revealing crowded
Ballroom. MAITRE D standing at entrance.

MAITRE D
Good evening, Mr. Torrance.

JACK
Good evening.

JACK moves L-R across crowded Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS with
him to LLOYD serving behind bar. JACK sits at bar. LLOYD
moves to him.

JACK
Hi Lloyd. I've been away. Now I'm
back.

LLOYD
Good evening Mr. Torrance.

LLOYD puts dishes of olives and peanuts on bar before JACK.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD.

LLOYD
It's good to see you.

JACK
It's good to be back, Lloyd.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
What'll it be, sir?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD

JACK
Hair of the dog that big me.

CUT TO:
88.


M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Bourbon on the rocks.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD

JACK
That'll do her.

JACK takes handful of peanuts and empties them into his
mouth. LLOYD puts ice into glass.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD preparing drink.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. LLOYD pouring drink. JACK takes out
his wallet, takes out note and holds it out to LLOYD. LLOYD
holds up his hand.

LLOYD
No charge to you, Mr. Torrance.

JACK looks down at note and up to LLOYD.

JACK
No charge?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Your money's no good here.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK looks down at his note then up
at LLOYD.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Orders from the house.

CUT TO:
89.


M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK puts note back into his wallet.

JACK
Orders from the house.

He puts wallet away.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Drink up, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK tucking wallet into his hip
pocket.

JACK
I'm the kind of man likes to know
who's buying their drinks, Lloyd.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
It's not a matter that concerns
you, Mr. Torrance - at least not at
this point.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK smiles and picks up his drinks.

JACK
Anything you say, Lloyd. Anything
you say.

JACK turns away from bar.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK moves away from bar. He dances forward to
center of room - CAMERA TRACKS after him. WOMAN enters
cam.R.f.g. and walks away. WAITER (GRADY), carrying tray of
drinks, walks forward from b.g. He bumps into WOMAN.

GRADY
Oh!

GRADY staggers forward, colliding with JACK and spilling
drinks down front of JACK's jacket.
90.


GRADY
Oh dear, oh dear. I'm so sorry,
sir. Oh!

He puts down tray and takes advocaat glass from JACK.

GRADY
Oh dear oh dear... I've made an
awful mess of your jacket, sir.

GRADY puts glass on tray.

JACK
Oh eh that's all right. I've got
plenty of jackets.

GRADY mops JACK's jacket with his serviette.

GRADY
I'm afraid it's advocaat sir. It
tends to stain.

JACK
Advocaat is it?

GRADY
Yes sir. Look um... I think the
best thing is to come along to the
gentlemen's room, sir, and eh...

GRADY bends down and picks up his tray.

GRADY
we'll get some water to it, sir.

JACK & GRADY start to walk away to the Gentlemen's. CAMERA
TRACKS after them.

JACK
Looks as though you might have got
a spot of it on yourself there,
Jeevesy old boy.

JACK pats GRADY on his back.

GRADY
That doesn't matter, sir. You're
the important one.

JACK
Awfully nice of you to say. Of
course I intend to change my jacket
this evening before the fish and
goose soiree.
91.


JACK & GRADY enter Gentlemen's Toilet.

GRADY
Very wise, sir. Very wise.

JACK exits cam.R behind door.

JACK (OFF)
Here, I'll just, eh...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Jack Torrance arrives in the kitchen of the Overlook Hotel and creates a mess. Meanwhile, Head Chef Halloran tries to contact the hotel but finds the phone lines down due to a storm. He requests the Forest Service to call after twenty minutes. Jack interacts with the hotel staff, while Halloran communicates with the ranger. The scene is tense and foreboding, with Jack's behavior and Halloran's concern for the family's safety. The scene ends with Jack and Grady entering the Gentlemen's Toilet.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Mysterious dialogue
  • Engaging interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets a mysterious tone, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a free drink at a hotel bar leading to a series of cryptic interactions adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Jack interacts with Lloyd and experiences a strange encounter, adding layers to the unfolding story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the protagonist's concern for a family during a storm and the mysterious interactions with the hotel staff. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack and Lloyd are well-defined in this scene, with their interactions revealing aspects of their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential developments in Jack's character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the challenges he faces in the hotel and maintain his composure while dealing with unexpected situations.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to interact with the hotel staff and other characters in a social setting, while also trying to make a phone call to check on a family during a storm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is an underlying tension and conflict in the scene, especially in the interactions between Jack and Lloyd, hinting at deeper conflicts to come.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from external factors such as the storm and internal conflicts within the hotel staff.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are subtly raised as the tension and mystery surrounding the hotel and its occupants increase.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and deepening the mystery surrounding the hotel and its inhabitants.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events that occur, such as the protagonist's concern for a family during a storm and the mysterious interactions with the hotel staff.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to maintain control and composure in a chaotic environment, and the unpredictable nature of the events happening around him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and intrigue, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Jack and Lloyd is cryptic, engaging, and adds to the tension and mystery of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tense atmosphere, mysterious interactions, and the protagonist's internal and external goals that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the interactions between characters and the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions of locations and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and interactions between characters.


Critique
  • This scene is largely exposition and is very similar to the previous scene.
  • The action of Jack moving around the empty hotel isn't very interesting or engaging.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Lloyd is unnatural and wooden.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the exposition and focus on the more important parts of the story.
  • Add more action and suspense to the scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Add a stronger sense of place to the scene by describing the setting in more detail.



Scene 27 -  Jack's Suspicions Arise in Encounter with Grady
INT. MEN'S TOILET - M.L.S.

Men's toilet. JACK moves in from cam.L.b.g. He holds door
open.

JACK
hold this for you there, Jeevesy.

GRADY enters cam.L.

GRADY
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

GRADY walks forward and puts his tray down on basins cam.R.
JACK walks forward.

GRADY
Now let's see if we can improve
this with a little water, sir.

GRADY soaks his serviette under tap. JACK puts glass down
cam.L and turns to GRADY cam.R.

JACK
Right, I'll just set my bourbon and
advocaat down right there.

JACK laughs. GRADY starts to sponge JACK with serviette.

GRADY
Won't keep you a moment, sir.

JACK
Fine.

GRADY sponges JACK.

JACK
What do they call you around here,
Jeevesy?
92.


GRADY
Grady, sir. Delbert Grady.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over GRADY. GRADY sponging JACK's jacket.

JACK
Grady?

GRADY
Yes, sir.

JACK
Delbert Grady.

GRADY
That's right, sir.

GRADY sponges JACK's trousers.

JACK
Eh, Mr. Grady...

JACK clears his throat.

JACK (CONT'D)
haven't I seen you somewhere before?

GRADY
Why no, sir. I don't believe so.

GRADY turns cam.L to basins to rinse serviette under tap.
He turns back to JACK and sponges his jacket.

GRADY
Ah ha, it's coming off now, sir.

JACK
Eh... Mr. Grady... weren't you once
the caretaker here?

GRADY
Why no, sir. I don't believe so.

GRADY sponges JACK's trousers.

JACK
You er a married man, are you, Mr.
Grady?

GRADY sponges JACK's jacket sleeve.
93.


GRADY
Yes, sir. I have a wife and eh two
daughters, sir.

JACK
And, er... where are they now?

GRADY
Oh, they're somewhere around. I'm
not quite sure at the moment, sir.

JACK takes serviette away from GRADY and wipes his hand with
it.

JACK
Mr. Grady, you were the caretaker
here. I recognize you. I saw your
picture in the newspapers. You
eh... chopped your wife and
daughters up into little bits, and
eh... and you blew your brains out.

JACK throws serviette into basin cam.L.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. GRADY over JACK.

GRADY
That's strange, sir. I don't have
any recollection of that at all.
Mr. Grady, you were the caretaker
here.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over GRADY.

GRADY
I'm sorry to differ with you, sir,
but you are the caretaker. You
have always been the caretaker, I
should know, sir. I've always been
here.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY
94.


GRADY
Did you know, Mr. Torrance, that
your son... is attempting to bring
an outside party into this situation?
Did you know that?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He shakes his head.

JACK
No.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
He is, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Who?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
A nigger.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
A nigger!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
A nigger cook.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Jack Torrance, the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, encounters Delbert Grady in the men's toilet and holds the door open for him. Grady sponges Jack with a wet serviette, and Jack recognizes him as the caretaker who murdered his family and committed suicide. However, Grady denies it and warns Jack about his son trying to bring an outside party into the situation, revealing it's a 'nigger cook'. Jack is confused and suspicious, causing tension between them. The scene takes place in the men's toilet of the Overlook Hotel and has a tense and eerie tone.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • Building tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Use of racial slur

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals crucial information about the hotel's dark past, adding depth to the story and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the revelation of the caretaker's dark history, is executed well and adds layers to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of the caretaker's past, adding intrigue and setting up future conflicts within the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted hotel trope by focusing on the psychological unraveling of the protagonist and the blurred lines between reality and illusion. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the complexity of the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack and Grady are well-developed in this scene, with their interactions revealing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Jack experiences a shift in his perception of the hotel and its history, leading to potential changes in his character as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about Grady's past and his connection to the hotel. This reflects Jack's deeper desire for control and understanding of the supernatural events happening around him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the hotel's history and any potential threats to his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting his loved ones in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jack and Grady, as well as the revelation of the caretaker's past, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jack faces conflicting memories and perceptions from Grady, adding to the psychological tension and uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Jack uncovers unsettling truths about the hotel's history, leading to potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the hotel's past and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the revelation of shocking truths about Grady's past.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity and reality. Jack and Grady have conflicting memories and perceptions of the past, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and understanding of the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to unease, adding to the overall atmosphere of the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense and impactful, driving the scene forward and adding depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the intriguing dialogue between the characters, and the gradual reveal of crucial information that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual increase in tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective use of dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and motivations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a suspenseful and psychological thriller, with a gradual build-up of tension and revelation of key information.


Critique
  • The scene in the men's toilet between Jack and Grady is a pivotal moment in the story, revealing Jack's descent into madness and the supernatural influence of the hotel. However, the scene could benefit from more context and foreshadowing to make Jack's transformation more impactful.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Grady, while tense and revealing, could be improved by adding more subtext and nuance. For example, Grady's denial of his past actions could be more ambiguous, leaving the audience questioning his true motives.
  • The scene could also benefit from more visual storytelling, such as showing Grady's reflection in the mirror or using lighting to create a more ominous atmosphere. This would help to build tension and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Additionally, the scene could be more effective if it were intercut with Wendy's perspective, showing her growing concern for Danny and her suspicions about Jack's behavior. This would create a parallel narrative and heighten the stakes for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more foreshadowing earlier in the script to hint at Jack's eventual breakdown. This could be done through subtle visual cues or character behavior.
  • Explore the possibility of making Grady's dialogue more ambiguous, leaving the audience questioning his true motives and adding to the sense of unease.
  • Experiment with visual storytelling techniques, such as using mirrors or lighting to create a more ominous atmosphere and build tension.
  • Consider intercutting the scene with Wendy's perspective, showing her growing concern for Danny and her suspicions about Jack's behavior. This would create a parallel narrative and heighten the stakes for the audience.



Scene 28 -  Escalating Tensions: Jack and Grady's Discussion, Wendy's Escape Plan, and Danny's Disturbing Sleep
INT. MEN'S LAVATORY - M.C.S.

JACK
95.


JACK
How?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
Your son has a very great talent.
I don't think you are aware how
great it is, but he is attempting
to use that very talent against
your will.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, he is a very willful boy.

JACK smiles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

GRADY
Indeed, he is, Mr. Torrance. A
very willful boy. A rather naughty
boy, if I may be so bold, sir.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He looks about.

JACK
It's his mother.

JACK looks about.

JACK
She eh... interferes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

GRADY
Perhaps they need a good talking
to, if you don't mind my saying so.
Perhaps a bit more.

CUT TO:
96.


M.C.S. JACK.

GRADY (OFF)
My girls, sir, they didn't care for
the Overlook at first. One of them
actually stole a packet of matches

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY (CONT'D)
and tried to burn it down. But I
corrected them, sir. And when my
wife tried to prevent me from doing
my duty I corrected her.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK smiles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY, crying and holding cigarette, walks R-L from Living
Room into Bedroom. CAMERA PANS with her.

WENDY
(to herself)
We have the Snowcat. If the
weather breaks, we might just be
able to get down the mountain in
that.

WENDY turns and walks L-R back into LIVING ROOM - CAMERA
TRACKS IN and PANS with her.

WENDY
(to herself)
I could call the Forest Rangers
first and then tell them that we're
coming so that they could start
searching for us, in case we didn't
make it.

WENDY turns and walks R-L into Bedroom - CAMERA PANS with her.
97.


WENDY
(to herself)
If Jack won't come with us, we'll
just have to tell him that we are
going by ourselves. That's all
there is to it.

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY reacts and turns to cam.R. She runs away to DANNY's
bedroom door in b.g.

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum.

CUT TO:

INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.S.

WENDY opens door and stands in doorway.

WENDY
Danny?

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY moves R-L from door. CAMERA PANS with her and TRACKS
BACK to reveal DANNY sitting up in bed. WENDY sits beside
him.

DANNY
Red Rum.

WENDY
Danny... what's the matter, hon?

DANNY
Red Rum.

WENDY
Are you having a bad dream?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY

WENDY
Danny? Hon?
98.


TONY
Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY

WENDY
Come on, hon, wake up. You just
had a bad dream. Everything's okay.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY.

TONY
Danny can't wake up, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY.

WENDY
Danny, wake up! Come on, right now,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY.

WENDY
Wake up.

TONY
Danny's gone away, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY.

WENDY
Danny...

She leans forward and puts her arm round him. She strokes
his hair.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In the men's restroom, Jack converses with Grady about Danny's talent and Wendy's interference. Simultaneously, Wendy decides to escape with Danny using the Snowcat if Jack refuses to leave. Danny, asleep in his bedroom, repeats 'Red Rum' and is unable to wake up due to Tony's influence. The scene is filled with tension, ominous undertones, and a growing sense of danger.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing dark secrets
  • Creating a sense of unease and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive or on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the ominous atmosphere of the hotel, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted hotel with dark secrets and the psychological manipulation of the characters is well-executed, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the revelation of the hotel's dark history and the growing conflict within the family, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the haunted hotel trope, focusing on psychological horror and character dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the sense of unease.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' interactions and reactions reveal their vulnerabilities and fears, adding layers to their personalities and driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' fears and vulnerabilities are heightened, leading to potential changes in their relationships and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Jack's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control over his family and assert his authority. This reflects his deeper need for power and validation, as well as his fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to keep his family at the hotel and prevent them from leaving. This reflects the immediate challenge of his son's strange behavior and his wife's growing fear.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the supernatural elements, and the hotel itself creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and tension. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the characters' safety, sanity, and the looming threat of the supernatural forces within the hotel.

Story Forward: 8

The scene reveals crucial information about the hotel and the characters, moving the story forward and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in power dynamics and the characters' hidden motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jack's desire for control and Grady's twisted sense of duty and authority. This challenges Jack's beliefs about power and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the audience, drawing them into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the escalating tension within the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, mysterious dialogue, and psychological depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making the scene easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional format for a suspenseful dialogue-driven sequence, building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The dialogue is stiff and unnatural, and it doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too long and could be cut down without losing any important information.
  • The scene is too focused on exposition and doesn't give the actors much to do.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or goal, and it doesn't seem to fit well into the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing.
  • Add some action or conflict to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Cut down the scene to make it more concise and focused.
  • Give the actors more to do by adding more physicality or emotion to the scene.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal, and make sure it fits well into the overall narrative.



Scene 29 -  Communication Breakdown
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - M.L.S.

JACK walking L-R past reception desk. CAMERA TRACKS with
him to office. He goes in and switches on lights.
99.


RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12. Are you receiving
me? This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12.
KDK 1 calling KDK 12. Do you read
me?

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - M.L.S.

JACK walks from office into inner office. CAMERA TRACKS
after him. He stops by radio set.

RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12. Are you
receiving me?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking down at radio set. He tries to take the
cover off.

RANGER
(over radio)
KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK 1
calling KDK 12. Do you read me?

JACK unscrews back of set and lifts cover off radio. He
drops it on floor.

RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12.

He reaches out to the set with his hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand touches component in set. He pulls it out.

RANGER
(over radio)
Are you recei...

He pulls two more components out of set. He rattles them in
his hand, then moves out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:
100.


INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear, walks R-L towards window. CAMERA
PANS with him.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening. Forest Service.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hallo, this is Dick Halloran again.
I called a while ago about the
folks at the Overlook Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - NIGHT - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio, phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
Oh yeah. We tried to contract them
several times by radio, but they
didn't answer.

MAN enters from cam.R.f.g. and walks away to b.g.

RANGER
(into phone)
Now, maybe they've got their radio
turned off or they're in a place
where they can't hear it. If you
like me to, I'd be glad to try them
again later on.

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh, that's very nice of you. I'll
call you back later. Bye.

He walks L-R. CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with him. He puts phone
down on receiver, and puts his hand up to his head.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.
101.


Superimposition:

8 a.m.

CUT TO:

EXT. SKY - DAY - L.S.

D.C.10 in flight.

CUT TO:

INT. D.C.10 - M.C.S.

HALLORAN sitting in seat. CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal
other passengers in their seats. HALLORAN turns in his seat
and looks cam.L. STEWARDESS enters from cam.L and stops
beside HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Pardon me, miss. What time will we
get to Denver?

STEWARDESS
We're due to arrive at 8:20, sir.

HALLORAN
Thank you very much.

STEWARDESS walks out cam.R. HALLORAN looks at his wristwatch.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Jack arrives at the hotel office and attempts to contact someone on the radio, but receives no response. He disassembles the radio set in frustration. Meanwhile, Halloran speaks to the ranger about the Overlook Hotel situation, but faces difficulties in communication. The scene ends with Halloran boarding a plane to Denver, still uncertain about the hotel's status.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Effective use of mystery and foreboding atmosphere
  • Strong character development and interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive or expository
  • Certain actions or events could be more subtly conveyed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and sets up a foreboding atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged with its mix of drama, mystery, and horror elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of isolation, communication breakdown, and escalating tension is well-executed, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for what's to come.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new conflicts and mysteries, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, focusing on the technical aspects of communication and troubleshooting. The dialogue feels authentic and contributes to the suspenseful tone.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Jack, Wendy, and Halloran are further developed through their actions and interactions, adding depth to their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

Jack's descent into paranoia and aggression, Wendy's growing fear and determination, and Halloran's sense of responsibility and concern all hint at significant character changes to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Jack's internal goal in this scene is to successfully communicate with KDK 12 through the radio set. This reflects his need for connection and communication in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to troubleshoot the radio set and ensure it is functioning properly. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in trying to establish communication.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy, as well as the external threats and mysteries introduced, raise the stakes and create a sense of imminent danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with technical obstacles and communication challenges creating uncertainty and tension for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the threats to the characters' safety, the breakdown of communication and support systems, and the growing sense of isolation and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating tensions, and deepening the mysteries surrounding the hotel and its inhabitants.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected technical challenges and obstacles Jack faces in trying to communicate.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the importance of communication and the obstacles preventing it. This challenges Jack's beliefs about the value of clear and effective communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and suspense in the audience, as well as empathy for the characters facing escalating threats and challenges.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating tension and conflict between the characters, as well as the sense of unease and mystery surrounding the events at the hotel.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, technical details, and clear character motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to visualize the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between different locations and characters to build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The opening shot of Jack walking from the lobby to the office is unnecessary and could be cut to save time and streamline the scene.
  • The dialogue from the ranger over the radio is repetitive and could be condensed to make the scene more concise.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and seems to jump between different elements without a smooth transition.
  • The use of dissolves between shots is distracting and could be replaced with more fluid transitions.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the viewer with no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Jack already in the office, removing the unnecessary walking shot.
  • Condense the ranger's dialogue into a single, more concise message.
  • Establish a clear focus for the scene, such as Jack's attempts to fix the radio or his inner turmoil.
  • Use smooth transitions, such as cross-fades, to connect the shots and create a more cohesive flow.
  • Add a stronger ending to the scene, such as Jack successfully fixing the radio or coming to a realization about his situation.



Scene 30 -  Arranging a Snowcat: Preparing for an Urgent Journey
INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - L.S.

Shooting through entrance onto JACK seated, back to camera,
typing at table in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD onto JACK.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY - L.S.

D.C.10 moves away along flare path, as it lands.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.L.S.

DURKIN at car by petrol pump. He moves away R-L to office.

CUT TO:
102.


INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

MAN standing cam.L. MAN sitting reading magazine. DURKIN
enters. He stamps snow off his feet and moves L-R. CAMERA
PANS with him behind counter. He picks up ringing phone.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Durkin's garage.

HALLORAN
(over phone)
Hello, can I speak to Larry?

DURKIN
(into phone)
Speaking.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN at telephone booth, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hello Larry. This is Dick, Dick
Halloran.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, behind counter.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Dick, how are you doing? How's the
weather down there?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
I'm not in Florida, Larry. I'm
calling from Stapleton Airport.

CUT TO:
103.


INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, leaning on counter.

DURKIN
(into phone)
What the hell are you doing down
there?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Well, I just got in from Miami, and
I've got to get up to the Overlook
today. What's the weather like up
there?

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Well, the snow ploughs are keeping
things moving in town, but the
mountain roads are completely
blocked.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
That means I'm going to need a
snowcat to get up there, Larry.
Can you fix me up with one?

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.
104.


DURKIN
(into phone)
What's the big deal about getting
up there today, especially in this
kind of weather?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Larry, just between you and me,
we've got a very serious problem
with the people who are taking care
of the place. They've turned out
to be completely unreliable assholes.
Ullman phoned me last night, and
I'm supposed to go up there and
find out if they have to be replaced.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, looks at his watch.

DURKIN
(into phone)
How long is it going to take you to
get up here?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh about five hours. I'm gonna
rent a car here at the airport.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.
105.


DURKIN
(into phone)
Okay, Dick - I'll take care of it.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh thanks a lot, Larry. I really
appreciate that.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens in a hotel lounge where Jack is typing, followed by a cut to an airport during the day. The main focus then shifts to Durkin's garage, where Durkin receives a call from Halloran, who is at Stapleton Airport. Halloran urgently needs to reach the Overlook due to problems with the caretakers and requests a snowcat. Durkin agrees to arrange it, ending their call on a note of resolution.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may feel disjointed or disconnected from the main narrative

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a sense of foreboding through its dialogue, character interactions, and the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of characters being trapped in a remote, snowbound hotel with dark secrets and hidden dangers is intriguing and sets the stage for suspenseful developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the characters' interactions, revealing underlying tensions and escalating conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar theme of professional relationships and reliability but presents it in a fresh and engaging way through the characters' interactions and the setting. The authenticity of the dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' motivations, fears, and relationships are effectively portrayed, adding depth and complexity to the unfolding narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo subtle shifts in their attitudes and behaviors, hinting at deeper transformations to come in the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to address a serious problem with the people taking care of a place and to potentially replace them if necessary. This reflects his desire for reliability and competence in the management of the location.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to arrange for a snowcat to help someone get to a location despite the challenging weather conditions. This reflects the immediate challenge of transportation and logistics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the characters to make difficult choices and face escalating challenges.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the protagonist must navigate a challenging situation with unreliable individuals and make important decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the characters' safety, sanity, and relationships are clearly established, adding urgency and tension to the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of a serious problem with the location's management and the protagonist's decision-making process in response to this information.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of reliability and trustworthiness in professional relationships. The protagonist must navigate the dilemma of dealing with unreliable individuals and making decisions based on their behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to empathy and concern for the characters' well-being, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character dynamics, building tension, and driving the plot forward with meaningful exchanges.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced dialogue, the sense of urgency in the characters' actions, and the unfolding of a potential conflict that drives the plot forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and business dealings, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that are easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and concise dialogue that moves the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene is short and lacks any significant action or dialogue. It simply shows Jack typing in a hotel lounge and cuts to an airport where a plane lands. This transition is abrupt and does not provide any context for the viewer.
  • The scene lacks any clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what Jack is typing or why he is at the airport. The audience is left with more questions than answers.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be easily cut without affecting the overall story.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a formal and polite manner that does not reflect the urgency of the situation.
  • The scene lacks any visual interest. The camera simply pans across the room and there is no movement or activity to hold the viewer's attention.
Suggestions
  • Add more context to the scene. Explain why Jack is typing and what he is trying to accomplish.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. Show what Jack is trying to achieve or what he is struggling with.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give them clear motivations and goals.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene. Use camera movement and blocking to create a more dynamic and engaging experience for the viewer.



Scene 31 -  Unraveling Sanity: Jack's Obsession and Wendy's Fear
INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN phone to ear.

DURKIN
(into phone)
That's all right. Drive carefully.

He puts phone down.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - M.L.S.

HALLORAN's car moving forward along snow covered road.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with it.

VOICE OVER RADIO
Well, good morning to you, Hal and
Charlie on Radio 63, KHOW Denver

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLORAN'S CAR - NIGHT - M.C.S.

HALLORAN sitting behind wheel as he drives along road L-R.

VOICE OVER RADIO (CONT'D)
and, Charlie, we have what you call
your bad day out there. What you
call your heavy snow, snowing hard
throughout the eh Denver metro area.
Many of the mountain passes - Wolf
Creek, and Red Mountain passes are
already closed...

DISSOLVE TO:
106.


M.S. Shooting from behind HALLORAN through windscreen as he
drives along road, passing overturned truck cam.L.

VOICE OVER RADIO (CONT'D)
and the chain law is in effect
right now at the Eisenhower Tunnel.
I guess as we've just heard from
the news forecast, Charlie, a few
of the flights are still landing
out at Stapleton International
Airport, and, with these early
storms like this, I guess the
entire airport will probably be
closed within the hour. Yeah,
they're just not prepared. The
storm will continue throughout the
day, and the national weather
service... has declared a stopmans
and travelers advisory... for all
areas outlying the Denver metro
region - get the cows in the barn.
There you go. Many businesses...

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY sitting at table watching T.V. Set cam.L.
WENDY inhales cigarette and looks at her watch. She puts
cigarette out cam.R.

WENDY
Hon,

WENDY strokes his hair, then takes hold of his chin and
turns his face to her.

WENDY (CONT'D)
...listen to me for a minute, will
you, hon?

She lowers her hand from his chin and strokes his hair.

WENDY
I'm just going to go and talk to
Daddy for a few minutes and I'll be
right back. I want you to just
stay here and watch your cartoons,
okay?

She strokes his hair.

WENDY
Okay, hon?
107.


DANNY holds up his forefinger and wiggles it.

TONY
Yes, Mrs. Torrance.

WENDY kisses DANNY's head.

WENDY
All right. Now I'll be back in
just about five minutes. I'm gonna
lock the door behind me.

She kisses his head and strokes his hair - then stands up
and walks away to door. She stops and picks up a baseball
bat from cam.R. She walks away through open doorway, and
exits cam.R.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - M.L.S.

WENDY, carrying baseball bat, walks away into Lounge. As
she goes, she turns and looks about her - CAMERA TRACKS
after her.

WENDY
Jack...?

She looks about and then moves L-R past table, with his
typewriter on it. She walks L-R behind pillar and appears
again on the other side. CAMERA TRACKS with her.

WENDY
Jack...?

WENDY stops and looks about.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY, holding bat, in f.g. She turns and walks away
to JACK's typewriter on table in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - JACK's typewriter in f.g. WENDY moves
forward into shot. She looks down at sheet of paper in
typewriter.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Sheet of paper in typewriter with repetition of line
on it, reading: "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY."
108.


Sheet of paper is turned up, showing repetition of line.
Again sheet of paper is turned up showing repetition of line.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - WENDY looking down at sheet of paper in
typewriter. She looks cam.R - then moves to cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. Sheets of paper, filling cardboard box. CAMERA TRACKS
IN on top sheet, showing repetition of the line "ALL WORK
AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY." filling sheet.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY looking down at box of paper in f.g.
She holds up top sheet and looks at it - then puts it down
in box.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Sheets of paper filling box. WENDY's hand enters
cam.L.f.g. She flicks through sheets of paper and sees they
are all filled with repetition of line: "ALL WORK AND NO
PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY."

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - WENDY flicking through sheets of paper in
box.

CUT TO:

M.S. Pillar. CAMERA TRACKS R-L revealing WENDY, back to
camera, looking through sheets of paper in box on table in
M.L.S. JACK enters cam.R.f.g.

JACK
How do you like it?

WENDY SCREAMS and turns round to face JACK.

WENDY
Jack!

JACK
How do you like it?

JACK moves away towards table. WENDY walks R-L along table.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.
109.


JACK
What are you doing down here?

He stops by chair and puts his hand on back of it.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
I just eh... wanted...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK - hand on back of chair.

WENDY (OFF)
...to talk to you.

JACK moves R-L to table. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

JACK
Okay. Let's talk.

JACK flicks through sheets of paper in box - then looks
towards WENDY.

JACK
What do you want to talk about?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
I...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

WENDY (OFF)
I can't really remember.

JACK
You can't remember.

JACK moves forward L-R. CAMERA PANS with him.

WENDY (OFF)
No, I can't.

CUT TO:
110.


M.S. WENDY, holding bat, moves L-R. CAMERA PANS with her.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this tense and ominous scene, Durkin finishes a phone call as a snowstorm worsens outside. Halloran drives through the storm, while Danny and Wendy watch TV in the Overlook Hotel. Wendy, concerned, leaves Danny to check on Jack, who obsessively types pages of repetitive text. Wendy discovers this writing, which reads 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,' and becomes increasingly fearful. She screams as Jack enters the room, holding a baseball bat defensively, leaving the conflict unresolved and the tension high.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing character development
  • Creating suspense
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive writing may be confusing for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial turning point in the story with Jack's disturbing behavior and Wendy's increasing fear.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Jack's deteriorating mental state and the revelation of his disturbing writing adds depth to the narrative and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Jack's madness becomes more apparent and Wendy's fear escalates, leading to a crucial moment in their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the thriller genre by focusing on the characters' internal struggles amidst external danger.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-developed in this scene, with Jack's descent into madness and Wendy's growing fear adding depth to their arcs.

Character Changes: 7

Jack's character undergoes a significant change as his descent into madness becomes more pronounced, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain composure and control in a stressful situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dangerous road conditions and reach their destination safely.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jack's deteriorating mental state and Wendy's increasing fear creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and uncertainty to the characters' journey.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as Jack's mental state deteriorates and Wendy's safety becomes increasingly threatened, raising the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Jack's disturbing behavior and Wendy's increasing fear, setting up future events and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' uncertain fate in the dangerous weather conditions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' desire for safety and the unpredictable nature of the weather.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the audience, drawing them into the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and fear between Jack and Wendy, as well as Jack's disturbing behavior through his repetitive writing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere and the characters' compelling interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful thriller, building tension through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and seems to be a collection of disjointed moments.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and unnatural, and the characters' motivations are unclear.
  • The pacing is slow and the tension is not well-built.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is visually uninteresting and does not use the medium of film to its full potential.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Tighten the pacing and build the tension more effectively.
  • Use the scene to advance the plot or develop the characters in some way.
  • Explore different visual techniques to make the scene more engaging.



Scene 32 -  Escalating Tensions: Jack's Aggression and Wendy's Fear
INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

DANNY sitting at table. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

JACK (OFF)
Maybe it was about Danny. Maybe it
was about him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Blood clear from camera lens revealing furniture floating
about on river of blood.

JACK (OFF)
I think we should discuss Danny.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

Low Angle Door with word "MURDER" scrawled in reverse on door.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Furniture floating on river of blood towards camera.

JACK (OFF)
I think... we should discuss what
should be done with him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.S.

JACK moves forward.

JACK
What should be done with him?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat gives nervous laugh.

CUT TO:
111.


M.S. JACK moves forward R-L - CAMERA PANS & TRACKS BACK with
him.

WENDY (OFF)
I don't know.

JACK
I don't think that's true. I think
you have some very definite ideas
about what should be done with
Danny... and I'd like to know what
they are.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back R-L. CAMERA PANS with her.
She weeps.

WENDY
Well I... I think maybe he should
be taken to a doctor.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

JACK
You think maybe he should be taken
to a doctor?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yes...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

JACK
When do you think maybe he should
be taken to a doctor?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
As soon as possible?

CUT TO:
112.


M.S. JACK

JACK
As soon as possible.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack...

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
...please...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
You believe his health might be at
stake?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back.

WENDY
Ye...yes.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
And you are concerned about him?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back.

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK points to himself as he moves forward.

JACK
And are you concerned about me?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards.
113.


WENDY
Of course I am.

JACK (OFF)
Of course you are.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He
points to himself and gestures.

JACK
Have you ever thought about my
responsibilities?

WENDY (OFF)
Oh Jack, what are you talking about?

JACK
Have you ever had a single moment's
thought about my responsibilities?
Have you ever thought for a single
solitary moment about my
responsibilities to my employers?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
Has it ever occurred to you that I
have agreed to look after the
Overlook Hotel until May the first?
Does it matter to you at all that
the owners have placed their
complete confidence and trust in
me, and that I have signed a letter
of agreement, a contract, in which
I have accepted that responsibility?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards L-R to foot of stairs.
CAMERA PANS with her. She moves onto first step.

JACK (OFF)
Do you have the slightest idea what
a moral and ethical principal is?
Do you?

CUT TO:
114.


M.S. JACK moves forward L-R. CAMERA PANS with him.

JACK
Has it ever occurred to you what
would happen to my future, if I
were to fail to live up to my
responsibilities?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat backs up stairs.

JACK (OFF)
Has it ever occurred to you?

JACK moves in cam.R.f.g.

JACK
Has it?

WENDY swinging bat before her backs up stairs. JACK moves
after her. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

JACK
Why?

WENDY
I just want to go back to my room.

JACK
Why?

WENDY sobs.

WENDY
Well... I'm very confused, and I
just need a chance to think things
over.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. He moves forward up stairs.
She backs away. CAMERA TRACKS BACK and UP before them.

JACK
You've had your whole fucking life
to think things over - what's good
a few minutes more going to do you
now?
115.


WENDY
Jack... stay away from me... please.

JACK reaches up to her.

WENDY
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

JACK
I'm not going to hurt you.

WENDY swings bat in front of her as she backs up stairs.

WENDY
Stay away from me,

JACK
Wendy!

WENDY
Stay away...!

JACK
Darling, light of my life, I'm not
going to hurt you. You didn't let
me finish my sentence. I said 'I'm
not going to hurt you... I'm just
going to bash your brains in!' I'm
going to bash them right the fuck in.

WENDY waves bat in front of her. JACK laughs.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY swinging bat in front of her, backs up
stairs. JACK follows her - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

JACK
I'm not going to hurt you.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. She swings bat in front of
her, as she backs away and he follows her.
116.


WENDY
Stay away from me! Please...

JACK
Stop swinging the bat.

WENDY
Stay away from me.

JACK
Put the bat down, Wendy.

WENDY
Stop it!

JACK
Wendy give me the bat.

WENDY
Stay... stay away!

JACK
Give me the bat.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD as
they come up stairs.

WENDY
Stay away from me.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Jack, stay away from me!

JACK
Stop swinging the bat.

WENDY
Get down.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. She swings bat in front of
her as they move up stairs. CAMERA TRACKS with them.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Go away from me.
117.


JACK
Wendy...

WENDY
Go away.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Go away.

JACK
Give me the bat.

JACK reaches up with hand. WENDY hits his hand with bat.
SHE SCREAMS. HE YELLS and grabs his wrist.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK.

JACK
Goddamn!

WENDY hits JACK on head with bat.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY - he throws up hand and
leans back.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK. He falls backwards down
stairs. CAMERA PANS L-R with him as he somersaults down
stairs, stopping face down on half landing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. High Angle WENDY back to camera at top of stairs.
JACK lying facedown on half landing.

WENDY
Oh...oh!

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Jack and Wendy have a tense conversation about what to do with Danny, which takes place in various locations of the hotel. Jack becomes increasingly aggressive and accusatory, eventually revealing his intent to harm Wendy. The scene ends with Wendy hitting Jack on the head with a bat and him falling down the stairs.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Effective tension-building
  • Memorable climax
Weaknesses
  • Violent content may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively building tension and culminating in a shocking and memorable moment. The dialogue is intense and the character dynamics are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a deteriorating relationship under extreme circumstances is executed with skill, highlighting the psychological horror elements of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a critical point, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of psychological manipulation and power struggles, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-defined and their interactions reveal deeper layers of their personalities. Their conflicting motivations and emotions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jack and Wendy undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, with their relationship reaching a breaking point and their true feelings and intentions coming to the surface.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his authority and control over the situation, showcasing his need for power and dominance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide what to do with Danny, reflecting the immediate challenge of handling a potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy escalates to a violent confrontation, heightening the tension and emotional stakes of the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and escalating tension that keeps the audience unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the confrontation between Jack and Wendy escalates to a violent and potentially deadly encounter, with the characters' lives and sanity on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the deteriorating relationship between Jack and Wendy, setting the stage for further conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected escalation of tension and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of responsibility and morality, contrasting with the fear and confusion of the other character.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock in the audience, especially during the violent climax. The emotional intensity is palpable throughout.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, impactful, and reveals the power dynamics between Jack and Wendy. The repetition of certain phrases adds to the tension and unease of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, escalating conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the tension and suspense of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a tense and escalating format, building suspense and tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is very dialogue-heavy, which can make it feel static and slow-paced. Consider adding more action or visual elements to break up the dialogue and maintain audience interest.
  • The repetition of the same camera angles and movements can become monotonous. Try varying the camera work to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience.
  • The dialogue in this scene often feels unnatural and stilted. Make sure the characters' lines are consistent with their personalities and motivations, and avoid overly long speeches or redundant questions.
  • The scene's tone is inconsistent, shifting between tense and almost comical. Ensure the tone aligns with the overall narrative and emotional arc of the story.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with some moments dragging on and others feeling rushed. Balance the pacing to create a more seamless and engaging narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling to complement the dialogue. For example, show Wendy's fear and concern through her body language, facial expressions, and movements rather than just having her state her emotions.
  • Experiment with different camera angles, movements, and shot sizes to create a more engaging and visually interesting scene. For instance, use close-ups to emphasize emotional moments or wide shots to establish the space and heighten tension.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it sound more natural and consistent with the characters' personalities. Cut unnecessary repetition and ensure each line contributes to the scene's progression.
  • Establish a consistent tone that aligns with the story's overall emotional arc. If the scene's tone is meant to be tense and suspenseful, avoid humor or lighthearted moments that could undermine the desired atmosphere.
  • Pay attention to the scene's pacing, ensuring a balance between dialogue and action. Trim any unnecessary moments or expand on key beats to create a more evenly paced and engaging scene.



Scene 33 -  Wendy's Escape: Locking Away the Violence
INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.C.S.

JACK lying on his back on floor. He GROANS as he is dragged
along R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with him.

CUT TO:
118.


INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY, holding JACK's ankles, drags him backwards to food
store door. She undoes bolt, then tries to open door. JACK
GROANS.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY tugging at handle. JACK GROANS OFF.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY tugging at handle. She looks down cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK, lying on his back on the floor GROANING, starts
to come to. His eyes open and he lifts his head up.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY, tugging at door handle.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY's hand on handle. She takes out pin on chain
in handle and tugs handle open.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY swings door open. Then she takes hold of JACK's
ankles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Hey... what are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY pulling JACK by the legs into food store.

JACK
Ohhh... what are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK on his back being dragged through door
into food store.
119.


JACK
Hey, wait a minute... What are you
doing?

WENDY puts his feet down and moves away to door.

JACK
What are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY's feet and legs move forward from
JACK - She exits cam.R.f.g. JACK rolls over onto his elbow.
Door closes in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK on floor in f.g. WENDY in b.g. closes the door.
JACK gets onto his feet. He GROANS and grips his R. ankle,
staggering against cardboard boxes. They fall down onto him.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In the kitchen of the Overlook Hotel, Wendy finds Jack unconscious and drags his body to the food storage room, opening the door with a pin. After he regains consciousness and questions her, she leaves him there and closes the door. This tense and suspenseful scene highlights the main conflict of Wendy protecting herself and Danny from Jack's increasing violence, with the resolution of Wendy locking him in the storage room. The key pieces of dialogue include Jack's repeated 'What are you doing?' and Wendy's lack of response, with visual elements of Wendy dragging Jack's body and his eventual regaining of consciousness.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited setting
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the aggressive and disturbing interaction between Jack and Wendy, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation between Jack and Wendy in a secluded hotel kitchen adds to the horror and thriller elements of the scene. The idea of being trapped in a confined space with a potentially dangerous individual heightens the tension.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy, leading to a climactic moment where Wendy tries to lock Jack in the food store. This drives the narrative forward and increases the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a power struggle within a confined space, with fresh dialogue and actions that feel authentic to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-developed in this scene, with their conflicting motivations and emotions driving the tension. Jack's aggression and Wendy's fear create a dynamic interaction that keeps the audience engaged.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jack and Wendy undergo changes in this scene, with Jack's aggression and Wendy's fear intensifying as the confrontation unfolds. Their dynamic shifts as the power struggle between them escalates.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand why Wendy is dragging him and to try to stop her. This reflects Jack's fear of losing control and his desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to figure out what Wendy is doing and to prevent her from harming him. This reflects the immediate challenge of being dragged against his will.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a peak in this scene, with physical and emotional confrontations heightening the tension. The power struggle between the characters creates a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Wendy's actions creating a difficult obstacle for Jack to overcome, adding to the suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident as Jack and Wendy's confrontation escalates, with the potential for physical harm and emotional turmoil. The characters' survival and well-being are at risk, adding urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by increasing the conflict between Jack and Wendy, setting the stage for further developments in their relationship and the overall narrative. The stakes are raised as the characters' fates hang in the balance.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how the power struggle between Jack and Wendy will unfold, adding to the tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle for power and control between Jack and Wendy. Jack's belief in his own autonomy clashes with Wendy's actions of dragging him, challenging his values of independence and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and tension in the audience, as they witness the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy. The emotional impact of the characters' struggles adds depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, reflecting the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy. The sparse but powerful lines convey the characters' emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the dynamic power struggle between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions that guide the reader.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear progression of actions and dialogue that build tension.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly with Jack lying on the floor and Wendy dragging him. It would be helpful to provide some context or a brief recap of what happened in the previous scene to orient the reader.
  • The scene lacks clear dialogue or action that drives the plot forward. It primarily consists of Wendy dragging Jack and Jack groaning, which can become repetitive and monotonous.
  • The camera angles, while varied, do not seem to serve a specific purpose or enhance the storytelling. Consider using camera angles to create tension or convey emotions.
  • The description of Wendy taking out a pin and opening the door lacks clarity. It would be helpful to provide a more detailed description of the action.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Wendy closing the door and Jack getting up. It would be beneficial to provide a sense of closure or transition to the next scene.
  • The scene could benefit from stronger character development. The dialogue between Wendy and Jack is minimal and doesn't reveal much about their motivations or inner thoughts.
  • The lack of clear transitions between shots can make the scene feel disjointed. Consider using dissolves or fades to create a smoother flow.
  • The scene could use more visual interest. The setting of the kitchen is described but not in a way that creates a vivid or memorable image for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief introduction or recap to provide context and set the stage for the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue between Wendy and Jack to reveal their motivations, emotions, and inner conflict.
  • Use camera angles to create tension or convey the characters' perspectives.
  • Provide a more detailed description of the action, such as how Wendy opens the door and what Jack does after getting up.
  • Consider adding a clear transition to the next scene to provide a sense of closure.
  • Enhance character development by including more dialogue and actions that reveal their personalities and relationships.
  • Use transitions between shots to create a smoother flow and improve the pacing of the scene.
  • Add more descriptive details to the setting to make it more visually appealing and engaging for the reader.



Scene 34 -  Wendy's Fear and Manipulation
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY puts pin in handle, and backs L-R away from door.
CAMERA PANS with her.

JACK (OFF)
Hey, wait a minute!

WENDY turns away and looks about.

JACK (OFF)
What are you doing?

WENDY sees knife in rack on wall and lifts it out of rack.
She turns to face food store door.

JACK (OFF)
Open the door.

WENDY backs away to table.

JACK (OFF)
Goddamit! Let me out of here!
Open the goddam door.

WENDY, resting one hand on table, weeps as she sinks to her
knees.

CUT TO:
120.


INT. HOTEL - FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

Low Angle - JACK.

JACK
Wendy, listen. Let me out of here
and I'll forget the whole goddam
thing. It'll be just like nothing
ever happened.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY kneeling by table. She is weeping and puts her hand
up to her head.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

Low Angle JACK listens to her weeping.

JACK
Wendy, baby...

He puts hand up to head.

JACK
I think you hurt my head real bad.

He takes his hand away from his head.

JACK
I'm dizzy. I need a doctor.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY weeping as she kneels by table.

JACK (OFF)
Honey... don't leave me in here.

WENDY stands up. CAMERA TILTS UP with her.

WENDY
I'm gonna go now -

WENDY walks R-L. CAMERA PANS with her to food store room
door.
121.


WENDY
I'm going to try and get... get
Danny down to the Sidewinder... in
the Snowcat today.

She weeps.

WENDY
I'll bring back a doctor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Wendy (being scared of Jack) prepares to let Jack out of the food storage room, but instead backs away, gets a knife, and weeps out of fear. Jack tries to manipulate Wendy into opening the door by faking concern for his injury. However, Wendy decides to prioritize getting help for her son Danny instead. The scene takes place in the kitchen and food storage room of the hotel, and it ends with Wendy leaving Jack locked up and going to get help for Danny. The tone is tense and emotional, and the key visual elements include Wendy holding a knife and Jack's injured ankle.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled confrontation
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and showcases the deteriorating relationship between Jack and Wendy, leading to a dramatic climax with Wendy's bold move to protect herself and Danny.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between the main characters in a confined space with high emotional intensity is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Wendy takes a decisive action to protect herself and Danny, leading to a turning point in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its portrayal of a tense and emotional confrontation between characters in a confined space. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-developed in this scene, with their conflicting emotions and motivations driving the tension and conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jack and Wendy undergo significant changes in this scene, with Wendy taking a bold stand to protect herself and Danny, while Jack's true nature and intentions become more apparent.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and her son from Jack's violent behavior. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of Jack's unpredictable and dangerous actions.

External Goal: 7

Wendy's external goal is to escape the hotel with her son and get help for Jack's injuries. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being trapped with a dangerous individual and the need to ensure their survival.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a peak in this scene, with high emotional stakes and a sense of danger driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jack's manipulative behavior creating a difficult obstacle for Wendy to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in this scene involve the safety and well-being of Wendy and Danny, as well as the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict between the main characters and setting the stage for the climax of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jack's selfish desire for freedom and Wendy's selfless need to protect her family. This challenges Wendy's beliefs in the importance of family and safety over individual desires.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, tension, and empathy for Wendy's plight, making it a powerful and memorable moment in the screenplay.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating emotions and power dynamics between Jack and Wendy, adding depth to their characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional moments and suspenseful dialogue, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and tension through the characters' actions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense through the characters' actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear motivation for Wendy's decision to leave Jack in the food storage room. While she may be fearful of him, her sudden change of heart and willingness to go get help for Danny rather than Jack feels abrupt and underdeveloped.
  • The dialogue between Wendy and Jack is somewhat repetitive, with Jack repeatedly asking her to open the door and Wendy not responding. This could be more effective if the dialogue were more varied and nuanced, reflecting the emotional turmoil between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual variety, as it primarily takes place in a single location (the kitchen) with limited camera movement. Incorporating different angles, shots, and blocking could enhance the visual interest and create a more dynamic atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by shortening some of the pauses between lines and actions. This would create a more urgent and tense atmosphere, reflecting the escalating conflict between Wendy and Jack.
Suggestions
  • Consider exploring Wendy's emotional state and thought process more deeply to provide a clearer motivation for her actions.
  • Vary the dialogue between Wendy and Jack by incorporating more specific and emotionally charged language that reflects their inner struggles and desperation.
  • Incorporate different camera angles, shots, and blocking to create a more visually engaging and dynamic scene, enhancing the tension and atmosphere.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene by reducing the length of pauses between lines and actions, creating a more urgent and suspenseful atmosphere.



Scene 35 -  Jack Sabotages the Snowcat and Seeks Grady's Support
INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK

JACK
Wendy...

WENDY (OFF)
I'm gonna go now.

JACK
Wendy...

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY weeping turns to food store door.

WENDY
Yes?

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK smiling.

JACK
You've got a big surprise coming to
you.

He laughs.

JACK
You're not going anywhere.

He laughs.

CUT TO:
122.


INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY by food store door.

JACK (OFF)
Go check out the Snowcat and the
radio and see what I mean.

He laughs off.

JACK (OFF)
Go check it out!

He laughs off. WENDY exits cam.L.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK laughing.

JACK
Go check it out!

He laughs.

JACK
Go check it out!

He laughs.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY carrying knife runs forward - CAMERA PANS L-R with her
as she runs to door. She forces it open.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY forces door open against snow and walks out on snow.
CAMERA PANS L-R with her to edge of porch. She runs away to
b.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY runs L-R along front of hotel - CAMERA TRACKS
with her.

CUT TO:
123.


INT. HOTEL - GARAGE - M.S.

Snowcat in garage. WENDY seen through open doorway. She
runs forward and enters garage, carrying knife. She stops
at entrance. Then she moves L-R towards Snowcat, and picks
up distributor cap. CAMERA TRACKS IN on her, reacting to
damaged distributor cap.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposed over:

4 p.m.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Overlook Hotel in b.g. Snow and trees in f.g.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK asleep on sacks. CAMERA TRACKS BACK. KNOCK ON DOOR
OFF. JACK stirs and rubs his eyes. KNOCK ON DOOR OFF.
Jack sits up.

JACK
Wendy?

CAMERA TRACKS BACK as JACK feels his R. ankle.

GRADY (OFF)
It's Grady, Mr. Torrance. Delbert
Grady.

JACK
Grady... oh.

JACK puts his hand up on shelf.

JACK
Oh Grady... right. Grady... er...

JACK stands up and moves R-L behind shelves towards door.
CAMERA TRACKS with him.

JACK
Hullo Grady.

JACK moves R-L to door and leans on it with his hand.
124.


GRADY (OFF)
Mr. Torrance, I see you can hardly
have taken care of the...

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK by door.

GRADY (OFF)
business we discussed.

He moves back R-L from door.

JACK
No need to rub it in, Mr. Grady.
I'll deal with that situation as
soon as I get out of here.

GRADY (OFF)
Will you indeed, Mr. Torrance.

He puts his hand up to his head.

GRADY (OFF)
I wonder. I have my doubts.

He lowers his hand from his head.

GRADY (OFF)
I and others have come to believe...
that your heart is not in this,
that you haven't the belly for it.

JACK laughs.

JACK
Just give me one more chance to
prove it, Mr. Grady. That's all I
ask.

GRADY (OFF)
Your wife appears to be stronger
than we imagined, Mr. Torrance.
Somewhat more resourceful, she
seems to have got the better of you.

JACK
For the moment, Mr. Grady. Only
for the moment.
125.


GRADY (OFF)
I fear that you will have to deal
with this matter in the harshest
possible way, Mr. Torrance. I fear
that is the only thing to do.

JACK
There's nothing I look forward to
with the greater pleasure, Mr. Grady.

GRADY (OFF)
You give your word on that do you,
Mr. Torrance?

JACK nods his head.

JACK
I give you my word.

SOUND OF BOLT BEING DRAWN & HANDLE BEING UNFASTENED OFF.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and ominous scene, Jack asks Wendy to check the Snowcat and radio, hinting that he has sabotaged them. Wendy finds the damaged distributor cap, realizing Jack's intentions. Jack falls asleep in the food storage room, and Grady, a hotel employee, wakes him up, discussing the situation. Jack reassures Grady that he will handle it. The scene takes place in various locations of the Overlook Hotel, with Wendy trying to escape and get help, while Jack and Grady prevent her and support Jack's harsh actions.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive elements in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in building tension and establishing the dangerous dynamic between Jack and Wendy. The introduction of Grady adds a new level of suspense and raises the stakes significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family trapped in a haunted hotel with a deteriorating patriarch is compelling and well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and filled with suspense, as the conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a critical point.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the power struggle between characters in a confined, isolated setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and intense.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jack and Wendy undergo significant changes in this scene, with their relationship deteriorating further and their true natures coming to the forefront.

Internal Goal: 8

Jack's internal goal is to prove himself and regain control over the situation. He wants to assert his authority and power, reflecting his deeper need for validation and dominance.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to prevent Wendy from leaving and to assert his control over her and the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining power and authority in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy is intense and reaches a boiling point, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the safety and survival of the characters are at risk in this intense confrontation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict and setting the stage for the climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected actions they take.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Jack's desire for power and control and Wendy's desire for freedom and safety. This challenges Jack's beliefs about dominance and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and unease, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and effectively conveys the escalating conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense, suspenseful atmosphere and the high stakes for the characters. The quick cuts and sharp dialogue keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick cuts and intense dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows standard screenplay format, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful, dramatic moment in a screenplay, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The first part of the scene where Jack is in the food storage room laughing is repetitive and unnecessary. It doesn't add anything to the story and it slows down the pace of the scene. Bringing it to a screeching halt in fact.
  • When Wendy goes to check the Snowcat and the radio, there is no tension or suspense. The audience knows that Jack has sabotaged them, so there is no surprise when Wendy discovers the damaged distributor cap.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Grady is exposition-heavy and it doesn't reveal anything new about the characters or the situation. It simply restates what the audience already knows.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. Wendy simply runs away without any real confrontation with Jack. This leaves the audience feeling unsatisfied and it doesn't provide a clear sense of what will happen next.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more tension and suspense. For example, Jack could be more threatening when he talks to Wendy, or Wendy could discover something that makes her realize that Jack is more dangerous than she thought.
Suggestions
  • Remove the first part of the scene where Jack is in the food storage room laughing.
  • Add more tension and suspense to the scene when Wendy goes to check the Snowcat and the radio. For example, have her hear strange noises or see something that makes her think Jack is nearby.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Jack and Grady to make it more revealing and less exposition-heavy.
  • Give the scene a more impactful ending. For example, have Wendy confront Jack or have Jack do something that makes it clear that he is a threat to her and Danny.
  • Consider adding a twist to the scene. For example, have Wendy discover that Jack has been working with Grady all along.



Scene 36 -  The Snowcat Ride and the Breakdown of Door 237
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - L.S.

HALLORAN driving Snowcat forward along snow-covered road
between banks of trees.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLORAN'S SNOWCAT - M.C.S.

HALLORAN driving Snowcat L-R along road.

DISSOLVE TO:

M.S. Shooting from behind HALLORAN sitting cam.L through
windscreen, with wipers working, as he moves forward along
snow-covered road. Trees on either side of road.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.C.S.

DANNY moves away R-L towards his MOTHER asleep in bed.
CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum.

DANNY stops beside WENDY asleep in bed.
126.


TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

WENDY stirs in bed. DANNY reaches out with his hand for
knife on table cam.R of bed.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

DANNY holds up knife.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He feels blade.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He takes hand away from blade.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

He turns away from bed and holding knife up walks L-R.
CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum. Red Rum.

He stops by dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

He picks up lipstick from dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He turns away from dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

DANNY walks R-L away to door - CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

CUT TO:
127.


INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

DANNY holding knife and lipstick at door. WENDY asleep in
bed in b.g.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He starts to write with lipstick the word "MURDER" IN
reverse on the door.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

He finishes writing word and looks at word.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He turns and walks away to WENDY asleep in bed.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY wakes and sits up with a SHRIEK.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY beside WENDY in bed.

DANNY
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY gets out of bed and takes knife away from him.

WENDY
Danny. Danny, stop it. Danny!

DANNY
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum.

WENDY puts her arms round DANNY and pulls him towards her.
She looks over his shoulder.

WENDY
Eh...

She reacts - CAMERA ZOOMS IN on her face.

CUT TO:
128.


M.S. WENDY's P.O.V. The word "MURDER" written by DANNY on
door - reflected in mirror. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on word. SOUND
OF AXE STRIKING DOOR OFF.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY shrieks and looks cam.L. She puts her hand up
to DANNY's head.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at front door of his apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY holding DANNY in her arms gets up off bed.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at front door of apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY, with DANNY in her arms, looks about, then moves to
door with "MURDER" in reverse written on it. She opens door
and goes into bathroom, with DANNY, closing door behind her.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY, with DANNY clinging to her, closes the door. Then
she bolts and locks it.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at door and splinters a panel.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY & DANNY move R-L from door to window. She drops knife
in basin as she passes it. CAMERA PANS with them.
129.


WENDY unbolts window and raises the bottom part.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY tries to force bottom part of window higher up.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY clinging to WENDY looks over his shoulder as he hears
axe splintering door OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered panel on door.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL BATHROOM WINDOW - M.S.

WENDY looking out of window.

CUT TO:

L.S. HOTEL. WENDY at bathroom window. She draws back into
bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered panel on door.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

JACK pulls piece of wood away from splintered panel, and
looks through gap.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK at gap in panel.

JACK
Wendy, I'm home.
130.


He looks down. CAMERA TILTS DOWN - he removes a piece of
wood with hand and then reaches in and unlocks door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Halloran drives a snowcat through a snow-covered road at night, while Danny, possessed by Tony, writes the word 'MURDER' in reverse on the door of his apartment using lipstick and holds a knife. Wendy wakes up and shrieks upon seeing the word 'MURDER' on the door, and Jack starts to chop down the door with an axe. The main conflict is Jack trying to break down the door to get to Wendy and Danny, while they are trying to hide from him. The scene ends with Jack breaking down the door and Wendy and Danny hiding in the bathroom, with the door bolted and locked.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its unsettling imagery, ominous dialogue, and escalating conflict. The use of the 'Red Rum' motif and the revelation of Jack's violent intentions create a sense of dread and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family trapped in a haunted hotel, with a father descending into madness and posing a threat to his loved ones, is executed with skill and intensity in this scene. The use of symbolic elements like 'Red Rum' and the axe-wielding Jack adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the tension between Jack and Wendy reaches a breaking point. Danny's eerie behavior and the revelation of Jack's violent intentions drive the narrative forward and set the stage for the climax of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of a family facing a threat in an isolated location. The use of props like a knife and lipstick adds a unique twist to the typical suspenseful scenario.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jack, Wendy, and Danny are well-developed in this scene, with their fears, motivations, and conflicts coming to the forefront. Jack's descent into madness, Wendy's protective instincts, and Danny's mysterious abilities all contribute to the escalating tension.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Jack's descent into madness and violence, Wendy's shift from fear to determination, and Danny's mysterious behavior becoming more pronounced. These changes drive the narrative forward and deepen the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Danny, is driven by a deep fear and need to protect himself and his family from a potential threat. His internal goal is to confront the danger he senses and take action to protect his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to physically defend himself and his family from the potential danger lurking in the hotel. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered, involving psychological, emotional, and physical threats. The power struggle between Jack and Wendy, Danny's mysterious behavior, and the looming danger create a palpable sense of unease and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a clear threat and taking decisive action to protect himself and his family.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters' lives and sanity on the line. Jack's violent intentions, Danny's mysterious abilities, and Wendy's desperate attempts to protect her family raise the stakes to a critical level, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict, revealing crucial information about the characters, and setting the stage for the climax. The revelation of Jack's violent intentions and the family's desperate situation push the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions taken by the protagonist and the escalating tension that keeps the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, protection, and the lengths one is willing to go to in order to ensure safety. Danny's actions challenge the values of innocence and trust, as he is driven to take drastic measures to protect himself and his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, ranging from fear and anxiety to dread and tension. The characters' escalating desperation and the ominous atmosphere contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is tense, impactful, and reveals the characters' inner turmoil and fears. The repetition of 'Red Rum' and the chilling exchanges between Jack and Wendy heighten the sense of unease and impending danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, suspenseful actions, and the audience's investment in the characters' safety and well-being.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and auditory cues that enhance the suspenseful atmosphere.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Halloran driving his snowcat through a snow-covered road, and then cuts to Danny writing the word 'MURDER' in reverse on the door of his apartment using lipstick while possessed by Tony. This jump in the narrative is too abrupt and confusing, leaving the reader disoriented.
  • The dialogue between Danny and Tony is repetitive and lacks depth. The constant repetition of 'Red Rum' becomes monotonous and fails to convey any meaningful emotion or character development.
  • The scene relies heavily on sound effects, such as the axe striking the door, which can be effective in a film but loses its impact in a written script. The reader is left imagining the sounds rather than experiencing them firsthand.
  • The transitions between shots are abrupt and jarring, making it difficult for the reader to follow the action. The constant cutting back and forth between different locations and perspectives creates a sense of fragmentation and disorientation.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It seems to meander without a clear goal or resolution, leaving the reader with a feeling of uncertainty and dissatisfaction.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear establishing shot or dialogue that sets the context and provides a smooth transition from the previous scene.
  • Develop the dialogue between Danny and Tony to reveal more about their relationship and emotional state. Use their interactions to convey character traits and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating more descriptive language and sensory details to engage the reader's senses and immerse them in the scene.
  • Use transitions that are more fluid and logical, allowing the reader to follow the action smoothly. Avoid excessive cutting back and forth that disrupts the flow of the narrative.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal, whether it's to reveal character, build suspense, or advance the plot. Ensure that the ending of the scene provides a sense of closure or momentum.



Scene 37 -  Wendy and Danny's Escape Thwarted by Jack's Axe-Wielding Rage
INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY, back to camera, lifts DANNY up to open window.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

WENDY pushes DANNY out through open window onto snow. She
lets him go and he slides L-R down snow. He stands up at
the bottom, and looks up at WENDY at window.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY struggling to get out of open window.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

JACK, carrying axe, moves up stairs from open front door.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with him.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY struggling to get out of bathroom window. She goes
back into bathroom.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY looking up cam.L at bathroom window.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - M.S.

JACK, carrying axe, walks away across Living Room into
Bedroom. CAMERA TRACKS after him.

JACK
Come out, come out, wherever you are!

CUT TO:
131.


INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY trying to force window up higher. She looks over her
shoulder, then puts her head down to open window.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY tries to get out of open window.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK enters cam.R. He stops at Bathroom door. HE RAPS ON
DOOR.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY with head out of open Bathroom window.

WENDY
Danny, I can't get out!

CUT TO:

L.S. WENDY at Bathroom window cam.L. DANNY at foot of slope
of snow looking up cam.L.

WENDY
Run, run and hide. Run, quick!

DANNY runs away L-R.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door.

JACK
Little pigs, little pigs, let me
come in!

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY by open window. She moves L-R to basin. CAMERA PANS
with her. She picks up knife and moves R-L to side of door.
132.


CAMERA PANS with her.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door.

JACK
Not by the hair on your chiny,
chin, chin. Then I'll huff, and
I'll puff

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK holding axe back to camera at Bathroom door.

JACK (CONT'D)
and I'll blow your house in.

He swings axe back.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK swings axe twice at Bathroom door. WENDY SCREAMS
OFF.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Wendy helps Danny escape through a bathroom window into the snow while Jack threatens to break down the bathroom door. The conflict between Wendy and Jack intensifies as Jack swings an axe at the door, causing Wendy to scream off-screen. The key pieces of dialogue include Jack's taunts and Wendy's instructions to Danny to hide. The visual elements significant to this scene include Wendy pushing Danny out of the window, Jack moving through his apartment with an axe, and Wendy struggling to keep the bathroom door closed with a knife. The scene ends with Jack swinging the axe at the door, heightening the sense of danger and leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Effective use of setting
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating tension, fear, and suspense, with strong character dynamics and high stakes. The use of the axe as a weapon adds an extra layer of terror to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a terrifying confrontation between Jack and Wendy, with Jack wielding an axe, is executed effectively, creating a sense of danger and fear.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy, with high stakes and a sense of impending danger. The revelation of Jack's violent intentions adds to the tension.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a family in crisis facing a violent threat, with unique character dynamics and intense emotional conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jack and Wendy are well-developed in this scene, with Jack's aggression and Wendy's fear and determination coming through strongly. Their dynamic drives the tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jack and Wendy undergo significant changes in this scene, with Jack's violent intentions revealed and Wendy's fear turning to determination to protect herself and her son.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to protect herself and her son from Jack's violent intentions. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of Jack's unpredictable behavior.

External Goal: 7

Wendy's external goal is to escape from the bathroom and find a way to protect herself and Danny from Jack. This reflects the immediate challenge she's facing of survival and avoiding harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and Wendy reaches a peak in this scene, with high stakes and a sense of danger driving the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jack's violent intentions creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for Wendy and Danny, adding to the suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the threat of violence and danger looming as Jack wields an axe and Wendy fights to protect herself and her son.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between Jack and Wendy, setting the stage for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unpredictable actions and the uncertain outcome of the conflict, creating suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Jack's desire for power and control, and Wendy's desire for safety and protection. This challenges Wendy's beliefs in the importance of family and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience as the confrontation between Jack and Wendy escalates.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the escalating conflict between Jack and Wendy, with Jack's menacing lines adding to the terror of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional conflict, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a focus on building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit repetitive and on-the-nose. For example, Jack repeatedly says "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" and "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!". This could be made more subtle and effective.
  • The scene is very dark and lacks visual interest. Consider adding some more lighting or using different camera angles to create a more dynamic and visually appealing scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. Consider cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene more concise and engaging.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. Consider adding some more tension or suspense to make the ending more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more subtle and effective. For example, instead of having Jack repeatedly say "Come out, come out, wherever you are!", you could have him say something like "I know you're in there. Come out now."
  • Add some more lighting or use different camera angles to create a more dynamic and visually appealing scene. For example, you could have the scene take place in a dimly lit room with shadows dancing on the walls.
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene more concise and engaging. For example, you could cut the part where Wendy tries to get out of the open window.
  • Add some more tension or suspense to the ending of the scene. For example, you could have Jack break down the door and have Wendy and Danny escape at the last moment.



Scene 38 -  Wendy's Defiance and Halloran's Fate
INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY standing at side of door. JACK's axe appear through
door. WENDY SCREAMS. JACK's axe repeatedly appears and
splinters door. WENDY screams.

WENDY
Jack. Please. Don't... Don't...

Head of axe appears through splintered door. WENDY SCREAMS.

WENDY
Don't! Oh! Please

Head of axe appears again through door. WENDY SCREAMS.

WENDY
Stop!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Splintered door panel.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack!
133.


JACK in b.g. swings axe at door and smashes away the
splintered wood.

WENDY (OFF)
Stop it! Stop it!

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered door.

WENDY (OFF)
Stop it!

JACK moves L-R to gap in splintered door. WENDY SCREAMS OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

JACK's face at gap in splintered door.

JACK
Here's Johnny!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY holding knife SCREAMS.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's smiling face at gap in splintered door. He
moves backwards and reaches in through gap.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand in through gap in door to key on inside
of door.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY strikes down with knife.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand on key. WENDY's knife slashes across
back of his hand, and withdraws cam.R. JACK's hand moves to
gap in door. JACK YELLS OFF.

CUT TO:
134.


M.C.S. JACK's face at gap in door. HE IS YELLING. He looks
down and turns away from door.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - M.S.

Shooting from behind HALLORAN sitting back to camera L.f.g.
through windscreen as he drives along snow-covered road.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY at side of door. She looks cam.R as she hears
HALLORAN's Snowcat approaching OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door - he turns round as he hears HALLORAN's
Snowcat approaching OFF. He looks down cam.L.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT - L.S.

HALLORAN's Snowcat moves R-L along snow-covered road.
CAMERA TRACKS with it revealing Overlook Hotel in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK looking cam.R. He turns away to splintered door.
SOUND OF SNOWCAT OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

WENDY at side of door listening.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

HALLORAN's Snowcat moves R-L along front of Hotel. CAMERA
TRACKS with it. Snowcat stops.

CUT TO:
135.


INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - KITCHEN - M.L.S.

DANNY runs forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before him. He runs into kitchen - stops and moves L-R to
oven. He kneels down beside it. CAMERA PANS with him.
DANNY slides oven door open R-L and crawls into it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY in oven slides door R-L.

CUT TO:

M.S. Oven door sliding L-R.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK holding axe limps R-L through kitchen. CAMERA
TRACKS with him.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY sobbing at side of door - then she moves to door and
slashes at it with knife.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

HALLORAN walking R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with him. He moves to
door left open by WENDY. He pulls it open wide and exits
into Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

JACK holding axe moves forward - CAMERA PANS R-L and TRACKS
with him. He moves away up stairs.

HALLORAN (OFF)
Hallo!

JACK at top of stairs.

HALLORAN (OFF)
Anybody here?

JACK moves away from stairs CAMERA TRACKS after him. JACK
moves R-L and looks down at Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
136.


HALLORAN (OFF)
Hallo! Anybody here?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. HALLORAN moves forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
FORWARD.

HALLORAN
Hallo!

HALLORAN moves R-L to entrance to Lobby.

HALLORAN
Anybody here?

HALLORAN moves away into Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after
him.

HALLORAN
Hallo! Hallo! Anybody here?

JACK, holding axe, YELLS as he steps from behind pillar
cam.R and moves towards HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK YELLING as he swings axe at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN's chest - axe pierces raincoat and blood
oozes out.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over HALLORAN. JACK holding onto shaft of axe.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:
137.


M.S. JACK over HALLORAN, holding onto shaft of axe.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN, with his mouth wide open, sinks down out of
shot.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK rises up into shot.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK holding axe standing beside body of HALLORAN on
floor. JACK limps forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
Danny! Danny boy!

He stops at corridor to kitchen.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera in R.f.g. DANNY climbs out of
oven in b.g. JACK moves forward. DANNY exits cam.R.f.g.
JACK limps away. CAMERA TRACKS IN after him.

JACK
Danny! Danny!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In the Overlook Hotel, Wendy (Wendy Torrance) hides in the bathroom as Jack (Jack Nicholson) tries to break in, wielding an axe and shouting for her to open the door. She wounds his hand, causing him to retreat. Meanwhile, Halloran (Scatman Crothers) approaches the hotel and Danny (Danny Lloyd) hides in an oven. Wendy slashes at the door with a knife and Halloran enters, only to be attacked and killed by Jack. The scene ends with Jack calling out for Danny, increasing the sense of danger and tension.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Strong performances
  • Iconic dialogue
  • Effective use of visuals
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a sense of fear and tension, with strong performances and impactful visuals.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a man descending into madness and becoming a threat to his family is executed with great intensity and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Jack's violent actions drive the narrative towards its climax.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a tense and violent confrontation between characters in a confined space. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are crucial in building the tension and fear in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jack's descent into madness and violence is a significant character change that drives the tension and fear in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to survive and protect her son from Jack's violent behavior. This reflects her deep need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Wendy's external goal is to escape from Jack and the hotel. This reflects the immediate danger and threat she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and palpable, with Jack's violent actions creating a sense of imminent danger for Wendy and Halloran.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jack's violent actions creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters' lives are in danger due to Jack's violent actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story towards its climax by showcasing the escalating danger faced by the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jack's descent into madness and Wendy's fight for survival. This challenges their beliefs about family, loyalty, and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and dread, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, especially with the iconic line 'Here's Johnny!' adding to the chilling atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't give the reader enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
  • The dialogue is flat and doesn't reveal much about the characters' personalities or motivations.
  • The action is repetitive and doesn't build to any kind of climax.
  • The ending is abrupt and doesn't leave the reader with a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene by adding more dialogue and action.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Vary the action to create a more dynamic scene.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict or leaving the reader with a sense of suspense.



Scene 39 -  The Pursuit in the Overlook Hotel
INT. HOTEL - STAIRS - M.S.

High Angle WENDY runs up stairs L-R. She pauses on landing.

WENDY
Danny!

CAMERA TRACKS BACK before WENDY as she goes up next flight
of stairs. She stops at top of stairs and looks along
landing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY'S P.O.V. Shooting along landing into open
doorway of bedroom.
138.


MAN, dressed in Dog's costume, kneeling at foot of bed. He
leans back and looks towards her. MAN, in evening dress,
leans forward and looks at WENDY. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on them.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY, holding knife, at top of stairs backs away -
then turns and runs away along corridor, exiting cam.L at end.

CUT TO:

INT. LOBBY - M.L.S.

JACK, holding axe, limps forward and moves L-R through
entrance. He walks away to open door. CAMERA TRACKS after
him. He stops in doorway.

CUT TO:

EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - NIGHT - M.L.S.

Shooting from door. HALLORAN's Snowcat in b.g. CAMERA PANS
L-R.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

JACK, holding axe, at open doorway. He comes in and moves
L-R to switch panel on wall. He opens cover and presses
switches down. He leans towards open doorway and watches
lights going on outside.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

DANNY crouched behind track of HALLORAN's Snowcat. He peers
round corner.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

JACK limps to open doorway and stops.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:
139.


EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

DANNY by track of HALLORAN's Snowcat. He moves away L-R.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK limps away from door.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY runs L-R and exits cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limping L-R from Hotel. CAMERA TRACKS with him.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY running away L-R across snow. CAMERA PANS with
him. He runs into Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limping L-R. CAMERA TRACKS with him. Hotel in b.g.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy, the mother, finds Jack, the father, in a dog costume, poised to harm Danny, their son, who is hiding behind Halloran's snowcat. Jack chases Danny through the hotel and into the maze, while Wendy turns off the power in the hotel. Halloran remains outside in his snowcat, uninvolved. The scene is filled with tension, suspense, and a growing sense of danger and urgency as Wendy tries to protect Danny from Jack's violent intentions.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Effective character development
  • High emotional impact
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in building tension, creating a sense of dread, and delivering a climactic moment in the story. The stakes are high, emotions run deep, and the conflict reaches a boiling point, making it a standout scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family trapped in a haunted hotel, facing their darkest fears and confronting their inner demons, is executed with skill and intensity in this scene. The setting, the characters, and the unfolding events all contribute to a gripping narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot in this scene is crucial as it brings together multiple storylines, reveals key character motivations, and sets the stage for the final showdown. The tension builds steadily, leading to a dramatic climax that propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as a man in a dog costume and a maze, adding fresh elements to the familiar horror genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene are well-developed, with Jack's descent into madness, Wendy's determination to protect her son, and Danny's struggle with his psychic abilities all coming to the forefront. Each character's actions and dialogue drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Jack's descent into madness and Wendy's transformation into a protective mother willing to do whatever it takes to save her son. These changes drive the narrative forward and add depth to the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Wendy's internal goal is to protect herself and her son from the dangerous individuals in the hotel. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the hotel and the threatening individuals within it. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered, with emotional, physical, and psychological elements at play. The characters' conflicting desires, fears, and motivations drive the tension to a breaking point, resulting in a high-stakes confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters' lives on the line, their relationships strained to the breaking point, and the fate of the family hanging in the balance. The sense of danger, urgency, and impending doom heightens the tension and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the final confrontation between the characters and propelling the narrative towards its climax. The escalating tension, the revelations, and the character dynamics all contribute to advancing the plot in a compelling way.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the tense atmosphere created by the setting. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between survival and fear. The characters must confront their own fears and make decisions that will impact their survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, suspense, and empathy for the characters' plight. The escalating tension, the characters' struggles, and the chilling revelations all contribute to a powerful emotional experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is intense, emotional, and impactful. It reveals the characters' inner thoughts, fears, and motivations, adding depth to the unfolding drama. The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating conflict and the characters' shifting dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful pacing, visual storytelling, and high stakes for the characters. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, wondering what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a suspenseful horror genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful horror genre, building tension and suspense through visual storytelling and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene is too fast-paced and confusing, with multiple cuts and camera angles that make it difficult to follow the action.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and does not advance the plot or character development.
  • The characters' motivations are unclear and the scene lacks a clear conflict or goal.
  • The scene is repetitive and does not add anything new to the story.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and does not provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pace of the scene and focus on a single, clear conflict or goal.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and give them more depth.
  • Add more dialogue that advances the plot or character development.
  • Consider cutting unnecessary scenes or dialogue to make the scene more concise and impactful.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict at the end of the scene.



Scene 40 -  Pursuit in the Maze and Discoveries in the Hotel
EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY running away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
He looks back over his shoulder.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK in the Maze. He limps forward. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before him.

JACK
Danny! I'm coming. I'm coming Dan!

He looks down.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY's footprints in snow. CAMERA TILTS UP & TRACKS
FORWARD along DANNY's footprints.

CUT TO:
140.


M.C.S. DANNY's feet and legs running away through Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY, carrying knife, runs forward into kitchen. She looks
towards stairs in b.g.

WENDY
Danny!

WENDY stumbles forward through coffee pots and rings on
floor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before her.

WENDY
Oh!

WENDY turns R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with her. She moves away
along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS after her. She stops at
corner. CAMERA CONTINUES PAST her revealing HALLORAN lying
dead on floor of lobby.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. HALLORAN's body lying on floor. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY looks about. She moves away R-L. CAMERA PANS
with her. She SCREAMS and turns to cam.R. CAMERA WHIP PANS
L-R onto M.L.S. INJURED GUEST.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY reacting - knife trembles in her hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. INJURED GUEST, with scar running down his head and
face. He raises glass he is holding.

INJURED GUEST
Great party, isn't it?

CUT TO:
141.


M.S. WENDY SCREAMING turns and runs away.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

DANNY running away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after him.

JACK (OFF)
Danny! Danny! I'm coming!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before
him.

JACK
You can't get away. I'm right
behind you.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR & LOUNGE - M.L.S.

WENDY runs forward.

WENDY
Danny!

WENDY runs forward and then moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with
her - she stops cam.R.f.g. and SCREAMS.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY looking about.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. SKELETONS sitting in chairs. Bottle of champagne on
table in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. SKELETONS sitting at table with bottle and glasses on it.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. SKELETONS sitting in chairs round tables with bottles
on them.

CUT TO:
142.


EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

JACK limps away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after
him.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY steps backwards in his footprints in snow.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward laughing.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY stepping backwards in his footprints in snow.
He jumps L-R landing in snow, and crawls L-R - brushing his
traces in the snow out with his hands.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY holding knife runs forward. She slows down as she
nears f.g. She moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with her to open
door. She stops by doorway and looks along corridor towards
lift doors in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. Lift doors. Blood gushes in cam.L and surges forward
along floor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.S. Lift doors. Blood gushes in cam.L and cam.R - surging
forward in wave towards camera.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Danny runs through the maze to escape his father, Jack, who is pursuing him. Wendy, carrying a knife, searches for Danny in the hotel and discovers the dead body of Halloran and an injured guest in the lobby. As Jack gets closer to Danny in the maze, Wendy finds skeletons in the hotel lounge. The scene ends with Wendy seeing blood gushing out of the elevator, indicating that something terrible has happened.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective use of setting
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some scenes may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its setting, characters, and plot developments. The high stakes and emotional impact contribute to the overall intensity of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters being chased through a maze in a haunted hotel is engaging and adds to the horror and thriller elements of the scene. The maze symbolizes the characters' entrapment and the looming danger they face.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as characters face escalating danger and make crucial decisions. The conflict between characters and the unfolding events drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the horror genre by combining elements of isolation, supernatural forces, and survival instincts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene reflect their fears, motivations, and relationships. Their development and interactions heighten the tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant changes in their actions and decisions as they confront the escalating danger. Their survival instincts and relationships are tested, leading to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect himself and his mother from the dangers lurking in the hotel maze.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the maze and find safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical danger, psychological terror, and interpersonal struggles. The characters' conflicting goals and fears drive the narrative tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and threats that keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening danger and the risk of losing everything. The intense pursuit and imminent threat create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by raising the stakes, revealing new information, and setting up the climax. The characters' actions and decisions have immediate consequences that drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the supernatural elements at play.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire for survival and the supernatural forces at play in the hotel.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and empathy for the characters' plight. The high stakes and perilous situation heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and the urgency of the situation. It adds to the overall atmosphere of fear and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience on edge, leading to a satisfying payoff.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for a horror screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional horror genre structure, building tension and suspense as the characters navigate the maze.


Critique
  • The scene is very long and would benefit from being broken up into smaller, more manageable pieces.
  • There is a lot of unnecessary dialogue that could be cut without losing any of the scene's meaning.
  • The action is not very clear in places, and it would be helpful to provide more visual details.
  • The motivations of the characters are not always clear, and it would be helpful to provide more backstory or context.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and unsatisfying, and it would be helpful to build more tension and suspense towards a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Break the scene up into smaller, more manageable pieces.
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue.
  • Provide more visual details to make the action more clear.
  • Provide more backstory or context to clarify the motivations of the characters.
  • Build more tension and suspense towards a more satisfying conclusion.



Scene 41 -  The Search in the Snowy Maze
EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY sitting leaning against side of Maze. CAMERA TRACKS
R-L revealing JACK, holding axe, cam.R.b.g. He limps R-L
and moves away along Maze.

CUT TO:
143.


M.S. DANNY's footprints in the snow - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
and stops when footprints end. CAMERA TILTS UP to snow
without footprints.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he looks about then back and forwards - and
finally cam.R.

JACK
Danny!

He looks cam.L.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY crouched against side of Maze.

JACK (OFF)
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK - he looks about then cam.L.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK limps L-R and exits cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY appears from behind mound of snow and moves
forward R-L.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY's P.O.V. Empty Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY moves away R-L from mound of snow. CAMERA PANS
with him. He runs away along Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. Footprints in snow in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
along footprints.

CUT TO:
144.


M.L.S. JACK, back to camera, limping away along Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS after him.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before him.

CUT TO:

M.S. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD along Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY runs forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK moves to opening cam.R. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD -
he turns and moves R-L to opening cam.L. CAMERA PANS with
him. He stops and turns - then moves L-R. CAMERA PANS with
him and TRACKS after him as he limps along MAZE.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Danny and Jack are outside the hotel in the snowy maze. Danny, who is hiding behind the maze, leaves footprints in the snow that end abruptly. Jack, holding an axe and calling out for Danny, also leaves footprints as he moves around the maze. The scene ends with Jack approaching an opening in the maze, leaving the viewer in suspense about the outcome of their separation.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective use of setting
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some predictable elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in building tension, suspense, and fear, with a gripping climax that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a final showdown in a snowy maze between a deranged father and his terrified son is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and engaging, with a clear goal for each character and high stakes driving the action forward.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a chase in a maze but adds a fresh approach with the snowy setting and minimalistic dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the conflict and emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jack's descent into madness and violence is evident in this scene, while Wendy and Danny show resilience and courage in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Danny's internal goal in this scene is to escape from Jack and the maze, reflecting his fear and desire for survival.

External Goal: 7

Danny's external goal is to physically outrun Jack and find a way out of the maze.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack and his family creates a high level of tension and danger, driving the action forward towards a dramatic climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jack's pursuit creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for Danny.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death, as well as the survival of the family, create a sense of urgency and danger that drives the tension in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward towards its climax, resolving the conflict between Jack and his family in a thrilling and satisfying way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the maze, creating uncertainty about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between survival and fear evident in this scene. Danny's actions reflect his struggle to overcome his fear and survive against the odds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, suspense, and desperation, keeping the audience emotionally engaged throughout.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' fear and desperation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and suspense that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, with clear action beats and camera directions.


Critique
  • The scene is confusing because it is not clear what is happening. It is not clear who is moving where, and the camera movements are disorienting.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue is minimal and could be expanded to make the characters more relatable and the scene more suspenseful.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective, which makes it difficult to follow and understand.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters, so it could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear establishing shot of the maze, so that the audience can understand where the characters are.
  • Use more close-ups and medium shots to help the audience connect with the characters and see their emotions.
  • Add more dialogue to the scene to make the characters more relatable and the scene more suspenseful.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or objective, so that the audience knows what is happening and why.
  • Consider cutting the scene if it does not advance the plot or develop the characters.



Scene 42 -  Escape from the Overlook: A Desperate Search and a Tragic End
EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY sobbing and holding knife runs away to HALLORAN's
Snowcat in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after her. She stops
by Snowcat and looks about.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY runs forward in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK. DANNY
looks over his shoulder and falls down in snow at entrance.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY standing by HALLORAN's Snowcat. She throws down knife.

WENDY
Danny! Danny!

She runs forward and out cam.R.f.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY lying on snow at entrance to Maze. He gets up
and runs R-L. CAMERA PANS with him.
145.


DANNY
Mommy...

WENDY (OFF)
Danny, come here!

DANNY
Mommy... Mommy...!

WENDY (OFF)
Danny!

DANNY runs R-L into WENDY's arms as she kneels on snow.

DANNY
Mommy!

WENDY
Oh!

WENDY hugs and kisses DANNY.

WENDY
Oh Danny!

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK holding axe limps forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

JACK
Danny! Where...

JACK GROANS.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY holding DANNY moves R-L to HALLORAN's Snowcat. CAMERA
PANS with them. WENDY opens door of Snowcat and lifts DANNY
up to cab.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

JACK GROANING staggers away along Maze - CAMERA TRACKS after
him.

JACK
Danny!
146.


He stumbles and lies in snow. He struggles up to his feet.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Snowcat with lights on moves R-L in front of Hotel, then
turns to cam.R. JACK SHOUTS INAUDIBLE OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK staggers forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK - INDISTINCT
SHOUTS. He GROANS as he moves forward R-L.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Snowcat drives away down road. JACK INAUDIBLE SHOUTS OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK staggers forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK -
INDISTINCT MOANS & GROANS.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK staggers away along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after
him. INDISTINCT MOANS. He slumps down cam.L against side
of Maze.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - DAY - M.C.S.

JACK sitting up to his chest in snow dead. Snow and icicles
on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - GOLD BALLROOM - M.L.S.

Entrance to Gold Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD through
entrance to photographs on wall. CAMERA TRACKS IN close on
photograph of Guests at Ball.

DISSOLVE TO:
147.


M.S. Photograph of Guests at Ball.

DISSOLVE TO:

M.C.S. Photograph of YOUNG MAN in dinner jacket. CAMERA
TILTS DOWN TO:

OVERLOOK HOTEL
JULY 4th BALL
1921

FADE OUT.

BLACK FRAMES.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and emotional scene, Wendy, armed with a knife, finds Danny after he falls in the snow near the maze entrance and takes him to the snowcat in a frantic effort to escape. Meanwhile, a wounded and delirious Jack, armed with an axe, staggers along the maze, calling out for Danny. The conflict between Wendy and Jack reaches a tragic end as Jack is left dead in the snow, and the scene closes with a dissolve to a photograph of guests at a ball in the hotel in 1921.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, suspense, and fear, leading to a climactic and intense showdown between the characters. The emotional impact is strong, and the stakes are high, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the final confrontation in a snow-covered maze adds a unique and visually striking element to the scene. The setting enhances the tension and suspense, creating a claustrophobic and intense atmosphere.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' desperate attempts to survive and escape from Jack's violent intentions. The escalating conflict and high stakes drive the narrative forward towards a dramatic climax.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of family dynamics in a horror setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, especially Wendy's protective instincts towards Danny and Jack's descent into madness. Their interactions and conflicts drive the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, especially Jack's descent into madness and Wendy's transformation into a protective and determined mother. These changes drive the narrative and add depth to the characters' arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her son and ensure his safety in the face of danger. This reflects her deep desire for motherhood and her fear of losing her child.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the hotel and the threat posed by her husband. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being in a dangerous situation and needing to find safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jack, Wendy, and Danny reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a high-stakes confrontation with intense emotional and physical struggles. The escalating tension and suspense drive the conflict to a dramatic resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical and emotional obstacles that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters' lives on the line as they face off against each other in a life-or-death struggle. The intense conflict and emotional turmoil raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by resolving the conflict between the characters and leading to a dramatic climax. The events in the scene have a direct impact on the overall narrative and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire to protect her son and her husband's descent into madness and violence. This challenges her beliefs in family and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, desperation, and sadness in the characters and the audience. The intense emotional moments and high stakes heighten the impact of the confrontation and the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, desperation, and determination. It adds to the tension and emotional impact of the scene, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains the audience's interest through a balance of action and emotion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of action and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and lacks detail, making it difficult to follow the action.
  • The camera movements are excessive and distracting, making it difficult to focus on the characters.
  • The dialogue is sparse and does not provide much insight into the characters or their motivations.
  • The scene lacks a clear beginning, middle, and end, making it difficult to understand the overall story arc.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the viewer with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene to include more detail about the setting, characters, and action.
  • Use smoother camera movements to create a more immersive experience for the viewer.
  • Add more dialogue to provide insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings.
  • Give the scene a clear beginning, middle, and end to help the viewer follow the story arc.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion.