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Scene 1 -  Erin Brockovich in a Car Accident
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
ERIN BROCKOVICH
A True Story

by

Susannah Grant




February 1, 1998




EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SUBURB, MAIN DRAG - DAY

Palms sway ... the sun washes everything in yellow ... cars
motor down either side of the landscaped median ... the calls
of mockingbirds mingle with the BLIP BLIP of car alarms.

ON THE SIDEWALK, a SKATEBOARD CA-LUNKS down the sidewalk,
past the foot traffic of Southern Californians: flip-flops,
Doc Marten's, Rollerblades, Nikes ... then, in the middle of
this pedestrian normalcy, a pair of IMPOSSIBLY HIGH SPIKE-
HEELED PUMPS struts out of a shop. So high it hurts to look
at them. As the shoes leave frame, we TILT UP and see
they're leaving a 99-cent store.

As the Pumps turn and head up the street, we see they are
connected to a pair of IMPOSSIBLY LONG, SHAPELY LEGS.
Eveready legs -- they just keep going and going.

They saunter past two BUSINESSMEN on a lunch break. The men
pause and glance as men tend to when they see a beautiful
woman. In fact, everyone this woman passes lets their eyes
rest on her a microsecond longer than usual.

- Two SKATEBOARDERS note the STRETCHY MICRO-MINI skimming the
tops of her thighs.

- A MAILMAN spots the BIG, DARK SUNGLASSES tucked into a
MOUNTAIN OF BIG, BLOND HAIR.

- A PRE-TEEN GIRL glimpses the PLUNGING NECKLINE of the
TIGHT, BRIGHT RED MIDRIFF-BARING BUSTIER.

It isn't until she rounds the corner at the end of the block
that we see her entire figure and appreciate why everyone is
so goggle-eyed. Eye-catching is an understatement. All
those folks who say Barbie's proportions are unrealistic have
obviously never met ERIN BROCKOVICH.

EXT. AROUND THE CORNER - DAY

A side street. No pedestrians, just parked cars. A PARKING
TICKET flaps under the wiper of an old Hyundai.

ERIN
Fuck.

Even when she talks dirty, there's a heartland goodness to
her voice. Like Kansas corn fields swaying in the breeze.

As she grabs the ticket from the windshield, her sunglasses
accidentally CLATTER to the ground.

ERIN
Shit.

When she picks them up, a fingernail snags on the pavement.

ERIN
God damn it.

She tends to the nail as she opens her car door and gets in.

WIDER ON THE STREET

The Hyundai starts it up, signals. Then, just as it pulls
slowly out into the street, a JAGUAR barrels around the
corner, accelerating out of the turn, and rams into the side
of Erin's car, sending it CAREENING into the median. It
SMASHES into a foot-thick lightpost. And stops.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY

A boring building on a boring block in the Valley, surrounded
by strip malls. Definitely not where the power lawyers work.

ROSALIND (O.S.)
Morning, Mr. Masry. How you doing today?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

Generic. Cottage cheese ceilings, motel art. A sign over
the reception desk reads: MASRY & VITITOE, ATTORNEYS AT LAW.

ED MASRY, senior partner, slumps by ROSALIND, his chipper
receptionist, with a cup of coffee in his hand. He's in his
mid-50's, compact and -- even though it's only 9 AM --
already rumpled.

ED
Don't ask that on Mondays, Rosalind.

Whatever passion he once had for the personal injury law that
is his career has long since dissipated. He trundles off
toward his office.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed's secretary BRENDA -- 50's, jaded, hates her job, but what
can you do? -- is on the phone when Ed rounds the corner.
She puts the call on hold, turns to Ed.

BRENDA
Tony Marvin.

ED
Oh, Jesus. Who's responsible for his pain
and suffering this time?

BRENDA
His dry cleaners. You want him?

ED
What do you think? What's this?

He grabs a gift-wrapped bottle off her desk, reads the card.

BRENDA
Tequila. From your drug dealer friend.

ED
Carlos isn't a friend; he's a client.

BRENDA
He's a low-life. Speaking of which, that's
your nine o'clock in there.

Ed peers into his office. It's a mess -- papers everywhere,
unopened mail. Standing in the middle of the room is Erin,
in a teensy, leopard-print mini-dress. As she jiggles a
spike-heeled foot, everything about her shimmies gloriously.
Except her head, which is held in place by a neck brace.

ED
Whoa.
(to Brenda)
Remind me.

BRENDA
Erin Brockovich. Car accident. Not her
fault, she says.
(sarcastic)
And she looks like such an honest girl, don't
you think?

ED
You shouldn't judge, Brenda.

BRENDA
Right. Lap-dancers are people too.

As Ed heads into his office, Brenda picks up the phone.

BRENDA
I can't find him, Tony. We'll have to call
you back.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin Brockovich, an attractive woman widely admired for her body, is in a car accident when a Jaguar collides with her car after she got a parking ticket. She meets with Ed Masry, a personal injury lawyer, who is initially taken aback by Brockovich's provocative appearance and neck brace.
Strengths
  • Strong introduction of the main character
  • Establishes the setting and tone well
Weaknesses
  • Some clichéd characterizations
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene as follows:

This scene does a good job of introducing the character of Erin Brockovich and setting up the story. The descriptions of Southern California and the people she encounters help to establish the tone and atmosphere of the film. The dialogue between Erin and the other characters feels natural and engaging.

However, the scene could be improved by adding more conflict or tension. Although the car accident is a sudden and dramatic event, it feels somewhat out of nowhere and doesn't have much build-up. Additionally, the dialogue between Ed and Brenda doesn't add much to the scene except for some exposition.

Overall, the scene sets up the story and introduces the characters effectively, but could benefit from more tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions Firstly, the opening descriptions could be shortened and made more concise. The paragraph could be broken up to create more white space and a more visually engaging read. It's also important to make sure the descriptions tie back to the story or character in some way, rather than just describing the setting.

In terms of character, Erin's introduction could be more impactful and reveal something about her personality or motivations. It's also important to establish why she's important to the story right away.

The car accident scene could be more visually specific and include sensory details to heighten the tension and action. It should also be clear what the stakes are for Erin and how it impacts the story.

Lastly, the dialogue could be made more dynamic and reveal more about the characters and their relationships. It should also serve a purpose in advancing the plot.



Scene 2 -  Erin's Story
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Not an office that exudes authority, and Ed's blustery
entrance only adds to the sense of chaos.

ED
Erin -- hi. Sorry you had to wait. Here,
sit down, sit down.

He clears a stack of papers off a chair.

ERIN
Thanks a lot.
(as she sits)
I tell you, I never thought just standing
would take it out of me, but ever since that
shithead hit me, it feels like my whole
body's put together wrong.

Ed gives her a look of pro-forma sympathy.

ED
Jesus, you poor thing.
(he sits)
Well, listen, you came to the right place.
Whoever did this to you made one hell of a
mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make
him pay for it.

He takes out a pad and paper, gets ready to write.

ED
Why don't you tell me what happened?
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA COURTROOM - DAY

Erin is on the stand, wearing the most conservative thing she
owns: a red, form-fitting mini dress, telling her story to
Ed, who's questioning her.

ERIN
I was pulling out real slow, and out of
nowhere, his Jaguar comes racing around the
corner like a bat outta hell ...

She glances at the defendant's table, where a DOCTOR sits
nobly in surgical scrubs. His WIFE and two beautiful KIDS
are behind him. A frigging Norman Rockwell painting.

LATER IN HER TESTIMONY:

ERIN
They took some bone from my hip and put it
in my neck. I didn't have insurance, so I'm
about seventeen thousand in debt right now.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... couldn't take painkillers cause they
made me too groggy to take care of my kids.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... Matthew's six, Katie's four, and Beth's
just nine months.

STILL LATER:

ERIN
... just wanna be a good mom, a nice person,
a decent citizen. Just wanna take good care
of my kids. You know?

ED
(oh so moved)
Yeah. I know.

INT. COURTROOM - LATER

Erin is still on the stand. But now the doctor's lawyer is
questioning her.
DEFENDING LAWYER
Seventeen thousand in debt. Whew. Is your
ex-husband helping out?

ERIN
Which one?

DEFENDING LAWYER
(feigning shock)
There's more than one?

ERIN
Yeah. There's two. Why?

Erin looks over at the jury. The personification of
conservative family values. Oh, shit.

LATER IN HER TESTIMONY:

ERIN
(getting defensive)
... not like a career, cause I had my babies.
But I woulda worked, for sure, if I didn't
have this neck thing.

Erin sees a juror staring judgmentally at her short hem.
Erin gives it a tug, pulling it down a stitch.

DEFENDING LAWYER
(sarcastic)
Right. No doubt.

Erin sees a few jurors share dubious glances. Great.

STILL LATER:

The defendant's lawyers is on the offensive. Erin's starting
to feel the case slipping away.

DEFENDING LAWYER
So. You must've been feeling pretty
desperate that afternoon.

ERIN
(pointed)
What's your point?

Ed shakes his head slightly to her -- don't get mad.

DEFENDING LAWYER
Broke, three kids, no job. A doctor in a
Jaguar must've looked like a pretty good
meal ticket.

Erin sees jurors nodding almost imperceptibly in agreement.
She's on a sinking ship.

ERIN
What? Hey -- he hit me.

DEFENDING LAWYER
So you say.

ERIN
He came tearing around the corner, out of
control --

DEFENDING LAWYER
An ER doctor who spends his days saving
lives was the one out of control --

ERIN
(erupting)
That asshole smashed in my fucking neck!
Genres: ["drama","legal"]

Summary Erin, a single mother badly hurt in a car accident, meets with her lawyer who promises to help her seek justice. Later in court, Erin's story takes a turn as she faces tough questioning from the defendant's lawyer.
Strengths
  • Compelling introduction to the protagonist and her plight
  • Effective dialogue that elicits empathy from the audience
Weaknesses
  • Predictable legal drama setup
Critique As a screenwriting AI, I can provide some feedback on the scene above, but please note that my analysis is limited to the written text and does not account for other elements such as pacing, direction, or acting.

Overall, the scene seems to be well-constructed and effectively conveys the key emotional beats of the story. However, there are a few areas where the dialogue could be tightened or improved for greater impact.

One issue is that some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose or expository, particularly in the earlier parts of the scene where Ed is introducing himself to Erin and setting up the premise of the story. For example, lines like "Whoever did this to you made one hell of a mistake, and you and me, we're gonna make him pay for it" and "Why don't you tell me what happened?" feel a bit cliche and could be reworked to sound more natural.

Additionally, there are moments where the scene verges on becoming too melodramatic or over-the-top, such as when Erin describes her situation with her ex-husbands and the defending lawyer makes his sarcastic comment about her career aspirations. While these moments do add tension and conflict to the scene, they could be tweaked slightly to feel more grounded and realistic.

Finally, one other area where the scene could be improved is in giving more attention to visual and non-verbal elements. For example, there could be descriptions of the characters' body language or facial expressions that help convey their emotions and reactions to what is being said. Additionally, there could be more attention paid to the setting and staging to create a visual contrast between Erin in her conservative dress and the defendant's family in their Norman Rockwell tableau. These types of details would help enhance the emotional impact of the scene and make it feel more fully realized onscreen.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the above scene:

1. Add more visual description: While the dialogue in this scene is informative, there's little description of what's happening visually. Incorporating more visual detail, such as the setting and characters' body language, will help the scene become more engaging and immersive.

2. Cut down on dialogue: There's quite a bit of dialogue in this scene, especially during Erin's testimony. While it's important to convey the details of her experience, some of it could be trimmed down to keep a tight pace.

3. Focus on Erin's emotional journey: Erin is the main character of this scene, and it's important to keep the audience invested in her emotional journey. Adding cues about her feelings and reactions to the defendant's lawyer's cross-examination will help heighten the stakes and tension.

4. Increase conflict: Conflict is essential to keep the audience engaged in a scene. Consider adding more conflict, whether through Erin's interaction with Ed or the defendant's lawyer.

5. Improve pacing: The scene could benefit from tighter pacing, especially during Erin's testimony. Consider breaking up the testimony with brief interjections from the defendant's lawyer or Ed to keep the pace moving.



Scene 3 -  Erin's Struggle
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY

The door to the courtroom flies open and Erin comes out,
furious. Ed follows her as she heads for the elevator.

ERIN
Open and shut? Open and fucking shut?

ED
If you hadn't used profanity --

ERIN
Oh, please, it was long over by then. God
damn, he made me look like some cheap --

ED
I told you the questions might get a little
personal --

ERIN
Bullshit. You told me I'd get half a
million dollars. You told me I'd be set.

Ed notices her ranting is starting to draw attention.

ED
Okay -- let's try and settle down here.

ERIN
Settle down? I got 74 bucks to my name, Mr.
Masry! I can't afford to settle down!

Beat.

ED
I'm sorry, Erin.

ERIN
Yeah? Well, fuck you. Sorry doesn't feed my
kids.

Erin turns away from him and heads for the stairway.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

A shitty little house in a shitty part of Northbridge. The
Hyundai with a bashed-in side pulls up to the curb.

Erin gets out, takes the mail from her mailbox, then heads
over to the equally grim house next door and rings the bell.

A Hispanic woman in her 60's opens the door, holding a white
baby. This is MRS. MORALES.

MRS. MORALES
Hi, Erin! You're back so soon. How was it?

She hands Erin the baby. It's BETH, Erin's 9-month old.
Erin avoids the question by focusing on her baby.

ERIN
Hi, sweetie. Were you a good girl? Where
are Matt and Katie?

MRS. MORALES
Outside with the sprinkler. So it's good?

The truth is too depressing to share.

ERIN
It'll be fine, yeah.

MRS. MORALES
Ai, bueno. Because I didn't want to tell
you before, with your worries --

ERIN
What?

MRS. MORALES
My daughter, she's bought a big house with a
room for me. I'm going to move in with her.

ERIN
You're moving away? When?

MRS. MORALES
Next week.

ERIN
(stunned)
Wow, that's soon --

MRS. MORALES
I know. But it's good for me. Now I can
help my daughter take care of my grandkids.
And it's good for you, too. Now you have
money, you can find a good babysitter, huh?
Not the old lady next door.

Oh, God. In Erin's arms, Beth starts to COUGH.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin carries Beth up to her house. As she nears her door,
she steps on a GIANT WATER BUG. It crunches under her sole.

ERIN
Ugh.

Insult added to injury. She heads up to the house, dragging
her shoe, wiping off the bug guts.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN LIVING/DINING SPACE - DAY

Just as dull inside. Salvation Army furniture. A lot of
beige. Erin's two older kids, MATTHEW (7) and KATIE (5) are
at the table. Beth is in a baby seat. Erin spoons some Mac
& Cheese onto their plates, trying to hide her worry.

MATTHEW
I don't like this part, it's all crusty.

KATIE
I like the crust.

Erin switches the plates.

ERIN
Put your napkins in your laps and eat up.

KATIE
How come you're not eating?
Cause there isn't enough food.

ERIN
Mamma's gonna eat later.

From her baby seat on the table, Beth COUGHS some more.
Thick, sick-sounding coughs. Erin looks at her.

ERIN
Don't go getting sick on me, baby. Okay?

INT. ERIN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

The shower and sink are both on full, filling the room with
STEAM. Erin is seated with COUGHING, CRYING Beth on her lap,
trying to steam the illness out of her.

ERIN
It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise.

But her face doesn't look like she believes it.

EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY

Matt and Katie are messing around with a gumball machine.

INT. DRUGSTORE, AISLE - DAY

Erin is holding Beth, wandering the aisles. She stops at the
medicines, thinks for a long moment, then, hating herself,
glances to make sure no one's looking, and picks up a bottle.

INT. DRUGSTORE, AT THE REGISTER - DAY

As a CUSTOMER steps away from the register, Erin steps up
with the bottle in her hand and smiles at the CHECK-OUT LADY.

ERIN
Hi, remember me? I was in yesterday. Bought
a whole mess of stuff? Round about five?

CHECK-OUT LADY
Honey, it's a zoo here at five. I'm lucky
if I even see a face, much less remember it.

ERIN
Oh, shoot, yeah, I guess that'd be tough.
Well, listen, I meant to buy my baby here
some medicine, and by the time I got home, I
realized I'd bought the adult stuff by
mistake. And now, wouldn't you know, I
can't find the receipt. I was wondering --
could I maybe exchange it anyway ...
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin is struggling with the aftermath of a court case that didn't go her way. She returns home to a difficult financial situation, a sick baby, and the news that her neighbor and babysitter is leaving. The scene ends with Erin attempting to exchange medicine at a drugstore.
Strengths "The scene does an excellent job of showcasing Erin's struggles, both financial and personal. The dialogue feels real and natural, and the scene builds tension effectively."
Weaknesses "There is not a clear forward plot momentum, and the scene relies heavily on Erin's internal struggles and emotions."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written with clear character motivations and actions. However, there are a few small critiques to make:

1. The use of profanity: While it may be realistic for the characters to use profanity, it can be distracting for the audience and may detract from the impact of the scene if overused.

2. Lack of visual description: There is minimal visual description in the scene, which could make it difficult for a director or cinematographer to translate it into a visual medium. Providing more visual details, such as the setting and character actions, could enhance the scene's impact.

3. The dialogue between Erin and Mrs. Morales: The conversation between Erin and Mrs. Morales feels a bit heavy-handed in its exposition. Finding more subtle ways to convey the information could make the scene feel more natural. Additionally, the use of "ai" feels like a stereotypical depiction of Hispanic speech.

4. Lack of conflict: The scene lacks significant conflict, which can make it feel less engaging for the audience. Finding ways to add obstacles or tension, whether between characters or in Erin's situation, could heighten the stakes and make the scene more compelling.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension between Erin and Ed, making their disagreement about the case more explicit. This would add depth to their dynamic and give a more realistic context for Erin's outburst. Additionally, adding more physical description and sensory details could make the scene more vivid and engaging. For example, describing the other people in the courthouse and their reactions to Erin's outburst, or describing the way the steam fills Erin's bathroom during the scene with Beth. Finally, this scene could benefit from more development of Erin's character and her motivations- why does she feel so strongly about this case, and what drives her to take desperate measures to get medicine for her sick child? Including more background information and emotional depth would make this scene more impactful and compelling.



Scene 4 -  Erin confronts Ed about a job
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin feeds Beth her medicine, feeling miserable about it.

ERIN
Just remember. No matter what your Mamma
does, lying and stealing is real bad. I
don't ever wanna hear you doing something
like that ...

On the table beside her sit the classifieds. Row after row
of want ads circled, then X-'d out in red. A WATER BUG
crawls across the edge of the paper.

ERIN
... Cause there's no excuse for it, you hear
me? No excuse at all.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Midday. Ed enters with a cup of coffee in his hand. As he
heads to his desk, he trips on a box of files. Coffee
sloshes out of his cup, onto his shirt.

ED
Damn it!
(calling out)
Brenda!

She pops her head in.

BRENDA
Yeah?

He grabs a tissue, swabs his shirt, then kicks at the box.

ED
What the hell is this doing here?

BRENDA
It's those files you asked for.

ED
I didn't mean for you to leave them in the
middle of the floor. Jesus. Look at me.
What do I have this afternoon?

BRENDA
Nothing you can't show up for with a stain.
As Ed checks his reflection in the glass wall of his office,
he notices, on the other side:

ERIN, standing in the middle of the secretaries' area, in a
miniskirt and leather bustier, talking to MARIO, the firm's
mentally challenged office boy. Mario heads away from her.

ED
What's she doing here?

BRENDA
Who?

Ed goes to his office door and waves Mario over.

ED
Hey -- Mario -- what's she doing here?

MARIO
She works here.

Ed looks back at her -- what the hell?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

The support staff -- mostly middle-aged women -- are all
stealing glances at Erin. Ed comes up to her, all friendly.

ED
Erin! How's it going?

Up close, the wear and tear of worry show on her face.

ERIN
You never called me back. I left messages.

ED
You did? Wow, sorry about that.
(beat)
Listen, Mario's a little not so bright. He
seems to think that you said --

ERIN
There's two things I can't stand, Mr. Masry.
Being ignored, and being lied to. You did
both.

Glances skitter between the secretaries -- get a load of
this. Ed lowers his voice.

ED
I never lied. I may have miscalculated --
that happens sometimes, but --

ERIN
You said things would be fine, and they're
not.

ED
I'm sorry about that. Really. But --

ERIN
I don't need pity. I need a paycheck. And
I've looked, but when you've spent the last
six years raising babies, it's real hard to
convince someone to give you a job that pays
worth a damn. So I figure, since you're the
one who said I was gonna be okay, you should
be the one to hire me.

Ed sees everyone watching him, listening.

ED
I'd love to help, Erin, but I'm sorry, I
have a full staff right now, so --

He starts to escort her out, but she stays put.

ERIN
Bullshit. If you had a full staff, you'd
have time to return your damn phone calls.

She's backing him into a corner here. He shifts gears.

ED
Okay, look. If you really want to apply for
a job here, you can do it the way everyone
else does. Send in a rÈsumÈ, make an --

ERIN
I'm not everyone else, Mr. Masry. I'm
someone you made promises to that you didn't
deliver on. I trusted you. With my kids'
well-being. Now, I'm smart, and I'm hard-
working, and I'll do anything. But if you
think I'm leaving here without a job, you
got another thing coming.

Ed glances around the room. Not a whole lot of options here.
He looks back at Erin.

ED
No benefits.
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

A tight office lined with file cabinets and shelves. ANNA,
the humorless file clerk, is showing Erin around.

ANNA
... what we do in here is keep track of all
the case files. That way, at any time, we
can find out a case's status -- where it is
in the office, stuff like that. We file 'em
all here, alphabetically --

ERIN
Oh, hell.
(beat)
I'm dyslexic.

ANNA
That's a joke, right?

Erin shakes her head, no. Great, thinks Anna.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

As Anna shows Erin around the office, they pass JANE, the
bitter office manager, and Brenda, at the coffee area.

JANE
Just last week, he told my sister we weren't
hiring.

BRENDA
What's your sister look like?
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin confronts Ed about his unfulfilled promises of employment. She demands a job and challenges Ed to hold true to his word. In the process, she reveals her desperation for work and her dyslexia.
Strengths "Strong character development and confrontation between the two main characters."
Weaknesses "Lack of clarity on the backstory leading up to this moment."
Critique Firstly, the scene lacks a clear purpose or goal for the characters. Erin feeds Beth medicine and talks to her about lying and stealing, which doesn't have any relevance to the rest of the scene. The sudden appearance of Erin in a provocative outfit also feels random and out of place, and doesn't serve any clear purpose in advancing the story. The dialogue between Ed and Erin feels forced and unnatural, with both characters making unrealistic statements and demands. Overall, the scene needs more clarity and purpose in the characters' goals and motivations.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give Erin a clear objective in the scene. Right now, it's not entirely clear what she wants aside from a job. Is she trying to make a point to Ed? Is she desperate for money to provide for her family? Having a clear objective will help focus the scene and make it more engaging.

2. Use more active language in the dialogue. Right now, a lot of it is passive and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their motivations. For example, instead of "I don't ever wanna hear you doing something like that," Erin could say "If I catch you lying or stealing, you'll be in big trouble."

3. Consider building up to the confrontation between Erin and Ed. The scene feels like it jumps right into the argument, but adding more leads into it can create more tension and make it more impactful.

4. Use more specific actions and details to paint a clearer picture of the setting and characters. For example, what does Erin look like aside from her miniskirt and leather bustier? How does she carry herself? What does Ed do while he's checking his reflection? These details can help bring the scene to life and make it more engaging.

5. Cut unnecessary dialogue and action. Right now, there are some moments that don't add much to the scene, like when Ed spills coffee on himself. Removing these moments can help streamline the scene and make it more impactful.



Scene 5 -  Erin Gets an Advance and Confronts a Biker
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Ed is packing up his office. Erin sticks her head in.

ERIN
Mr. Masry?

He turns, sees her.

ED
Yeah?

ERIN
I was wondering -- could you tell me who I'd
talk to about maybe getting an advance on my
paycheck? Just -- for the weekend.
ED
Jane's the office manager. She handles
payroll and petty cash. But she leaves early
on Fridays.

ERIN
Oh. Okay. That's okay.

Ed looks at her a moment, sees that it's far from okay.

ED
Oh, for Christ's sake ...

He takes out his wallet, looks in.

ED
All I have is hundreds.

ERIN
I don't wanna take your money, Mr. Masry.

ED
Bullshit, you don't.

He slaps a hundred in her hand and leaves. When he's gone,
she looks at the bill -- her life raft -- and gives it a
great big kiss.

EXT. BABYSITTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin is at the door, taking Beth from the BABYSITTER, a
shabby, unkempt-looking woman in her 40's. Katie and Matt
pull on their backpacks and troop out of the sitter's house.

EXT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

Erin is leaving the store, carrying Beth in one arm and a bag
of groceries in the other. Katie and Matt are each carrying
a bag of groceries as well. They are all singing and moving
with the jaunty step of the newly carefree. Katie spots a
flower display outside the store.

KATIE
Mommy, can I get a flower?

ERIN
Sweetheart, you can get a whole big bunch.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

A small room with Salvation Army furniture. A BUNCH OF
DAISIES is propped in a Ragu jar on Katie's bedside table.
Matt and Katie are asleep in bed. Erin looks down at them,
smiles, then kisses them good-night.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin comes out of the bedroom and softly closes the door.
But just as the handle clicks into place, the house is filled
with the DEAFENING ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE, REVVING and REVVING.
It sounds as if it's gonna drive through the wall.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin steps out onto her front stoop and looks over at what
used to be Mrs. Morales's house. A few MOTORCYCLES are
parked on the lawn; A FEW BIKERS are drinking beer on the
stoop; and one asshole is on his bike, REVVING HIS ENGINE.

ERIN
Hey!

But of course he can't hear her. She walks over to him,
stands right in his line of vision.

ERIN
HEY!

He sees her and kills the engine. Everything about GEORGE
HALABY is tough -- his denim, his leather, his bike, his long
hair. Everything but his eyes, which twinkle like Santa's.

GEORGE
Well, hello to you, darlin'.

ERIN
What the hell do you think you're doing,
making all that Goddamn noise?

GEORGE
Just introducing myself to the neighbors.

ERIN
Well, I'm the neighbors. There, now we're
introduced, so you can shut the fuck up.

The guys on the porch chuckle. Erin turns and starts back to
her house. George hops off his bike and follows her.

GEORGE
Ooh, now, see, if I'da known there was a
beautiful woman next door, I'da done this
different. Let's start over. My name's
George. What's yours?
ERIN
Just think of me as the person next door who
likes it quiet, and we'll get along fine.

GEORGE
Now, don't be like that. Tell you what.
How about if I take you out on a date to
apologize for my rudeness?

Erin shakes her head in disbelief and keeps walking.

GEORGE
Come on. Gimme your number, I'll call you
up proper and ask you out and everything.

She stops at her porch, turns to him.

ERIN
You want my number?

GEORGE
I do.

ERIN
Which number do you want, George?

GEORGE
You got more than one?

ERIN
Shit, yeah. I got numbers coming out of
my ears. Like, for instance, ten.

GEORGE
Ten?

ERIN
Sure. That's one of my numbers. It's how
many months old my little girl is.

GEORGE
You got a little girl?

ERIN
Yeah. Sexy, huh? And here's another: five.
That's how old my other daughter is. Seven
is my son's age. Two is how many times I
been married and divorced. You getting all
this? 16 is the number of dollars in my
bank account. 454-3943 is my phone number.
And with all the other numbers I gave you,
I'm guessing zero is the number of times
you're gonna call it.

She turns and heads inside. He calls out after her:

GEORGE
How the hell do you know your bank balance
right off the top of your head like that?
See, that impresses me.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Morning. Erin walks in, wearing her usual garb. She passes
the coffee area, where Jane, Brenda, and Anna are milling.
Brenda sees her, gives Anna a nudge. They both check out her
short hem. Anna nudges Jane, who looks as well. Erin
glances over just in time to see all three of them staring at
her judgementally. She stops in her tracks and stares back.

ERIN
Y'all got something you wanna discuss?

The women go back to stirring their coffees. Erin walks on.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin asks her boss for an advance on her paycheck and runs into a biker causing a scene outside her home. She gives him a piece of her mind and tells him she has more numbers than he could handle.
Strengths
  • Strong and confident character in Erin
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Limited plot development
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written and serves a purpose in the story. It shows how Erin is struggling financially and is forced to ask for an advance on her paycheck, which highlights her financial struggles. The fact that Ed gives her money out of his own pocket shows that he cares for her and also emphasizes the theme of generosity and kindness.

Additionally, the scene with George Halaby adds some levity to the story and introduces a potential love interest. His introduction is a bit cliché, but his persistence and charm make for an interesting dynamic between him and Erin.

Overall, the scene serves to further develop Erin's character and her financial struggles, while also introducing a potential subplot with George. However, some viewers may find the dialogue a bit cheesy or unrealistic in places, particularly in the exchange between Erin and George.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and serves its purpose of showing Erin's financial struggles and her tough exterior. However, there are a few suggestions that could make it even stronger:

1. Add more description to the setting. While the script mentions where Erin is (Masry & Vititoe, her house, etc.), it doesn't do much to set the scene or create a vivid picture in the reader's mind. Adding details about the office, the babysitter's house, and Erin's home would help the audience feel more immersed in the story.

2. Add more conflict to the scene with George. While it's clear that Erin doesn't like him and doesn't want to go on a date with him, there isn't much tension or back-and-forth dialogue. Giving George more of a personality and making the interaction more confrontational would make for a more engaging scene.

3. Develop the supporting characters. So far, the script has introduced a few other characters (Jane, Brenda, Anna) but they haven't been given much to do besides stare at Erin's clothing. If these characters are going to be a part of the story, it would be helpful to give them more personality and motivation. For example, maybe Jane is sympathetic to Erin's financial struggles, while Brenda is jealous and snobbish.

4. Tighten up the dialogue. While most of the lines feel natural and realistic, there are a few moments (like Erin kissing the money and George's "sexy, huh?" comment) that feel a bit forced or on-the-nose. Streamlining the dialogue and making sure every line serves a purpose would make the scene stronger overall.



Scene 6 -  Gender Discrimination and Neighbor Troubles
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is walking into his office with a coffee cup in his hand
when he trips over the same box of files again.

ED
Damn it!
(calling out)
Brenda!
(no answer)
BRENDA!

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

Erin is alone, filing as she talks on the phone.

ERIN
How long's she been crying like that? ...
Well, she's got that tooth coming in --

Ed appears in the door, carrying the box of files.

ERIN
Give her a cold washcloth to suck on --
(sees Ed)
I gotta go -- there's a clean one in that
bag -- I'll check back in a bit.
(hangs up)
Sorry. My kid --

ED
Where's Anna?

ERIN
Out to lunch with the girls.

ED
Oh. Huh.
(beat)
Well, look, I got this file I need valued.
Real estate thing. A lady has some property
next to a PG&E plant that PG&E wants to buy.
I need to know what to ask for it.

He plunks the box of files on her desk. She stares at it,
with no idea of how to go about that.

ERIN
Oh. Okay.

He sees her staring at the box.

ED
You do know how to do that, don't you?

ERIN
Yeah. I got it. No problem.

ED
Good.

Ed heads out, but pauses before leaving.

ED
You're a girl.

ERIN
Excuse me?

ED
How come you're not at lunch with the girls?
You're a girl.

ERIN
I guess I'm not the right kind.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - NIGHT

Erin is at her desk, staring bewildered at the files from the
box Ed gave her, which are now spread across her desktop.
She sees Anna packing up her things, to leave.

ERIN
Anna? With this real-estate valuing stuff -
- could you remind me, cause I'm a little
confused about how exactly we do that.

ANNA
(exasperated)
Erin, you've been here three weeks. If you
don't know how to do your job by now, I am
not about to do it for you.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Katie and Matt are running up to the house. Erin follows,
toting Beth under one arm and the box of documents under the
other. She steps on another water bug.

ERIN
Ugh.

As she wipes the bug guts off the bottom of her shoe:

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hey, neighbor, wanna beer?

She spots George on his stoop, with a six-pack beside him.

ERIN
No.

GEORGE
C'mon. I bought 'em for you, to make up for
that night.

ERIN
Return 'em. Maybe you'll get your money
back.

He gets up and follows her to her house.

GEORGE
Now, why're you giving me such a hard time?
I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Erin turns to him. The kids are waiting at the door.

ERIN
I had a good neighbor, George. She was 60
and Mexican and she watched my kids for
free. Something tells me you're not gonna
be able to measure up to that.

GEORGE
You need help with your kids? I could
probably do that.

George reaches out and grabs the box from under her arm.

ERIN
I'm not gonna leave my kids with you.

GEORGE
Why not?

ERIN
Cause I don't even know you.

GEORGE
Yeah, and whose fault is that?

He's got a point there. After a beat:

GEORGE
What, you got so many friends in this world,
you don't have use for one more?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ed brings a file to Erin to value. Erin struggles with the task and asks Anna for help who refuses. Erin returns home with her kids and the box of files where George tries to apologize and befriend her.
Strengths "Strong character dialogue and development, highlighting issues of gender discrimination."
Weaknesses "The plot feels slow and is lacking any major conflicts."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

Firstly, the scene contains several points where the dialogue seems to lead nowhere, taking up space and not contributing to the scene's overall plot. The scene appears to be a series of disjointed snippets that don't much help to build the tension or the characters. Furthermore, the conversation between Ed and Erin seems to be unnatural, with the two characters not having much reason to interact awkwardly as they do. The conversation feels forced and doesn't seem to serve any purpose in advancing the story.

The dialogue between Erin and Anna is a good place to start for advice on how to improve the scene. While Anna's response highlights Erin's inability to perform her job efficiently, it feels too constrained and incidental to the broader plot. The conversation between the two characters could be fleshed out more to build the tension and the plot's stakes in some way, instead of just passing off as a small interaction.

In conclusion, while this scene has some possibilities of momentum and tension-building, the dialogue between the characters feels implausible and underdeveloped. It can be improved by increasing the stakes and creating more of a build-up in the back and forth between the characters to keep the audience invested and engaged.
Suggestions 1. There needs to be a clearer objective for the scene. Right now it's just a conversation between Ed and Erin with no clear goal. This scene could be cut entirely or merged with another scene to push the story forward.

2. The dialogue needs to be more natural and true to character. Ed's comment about Erin being a girl comes across as sexist and out of place. Erin's response is also weak and doesn't feel true to her character.

3. The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. Right now, it's all dialogue and action. Including descriptions of the characters' body language and reactions could help convey their emotions and make the scene more engaging.

4. There needs to be more tension or conflict in the scene. It's currently too bland and doesn't do much to move the story forward. Adding a conflict or obstacle for Erin to overcome could make the scene more compelling and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 7 -  A Job Offer and Strange Medical Records
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

George is on the floor with Matt and Katie, playing War.
Katie points to the Harley emblem on his leather jacket.

KATIE
What's that stand for?

GEORGE
That's for Harley Davidson. The best damn
motorcycle ever made.

Erin comes in from the kitchen.

ERIN
And if I catch either of you anywhere near
one, I'll knock you silly. Go on to bed,
now -- I'll come tuck you in in a minute.

They get up ...

GEORGE
Night.

KATIE/MATT
Night.
... and head into bed. George starts cleaning up the cards.

GEORGE
Great kids.

Erin bends down to help him.

ERIN
Yeah. I'm probably ruining them.

GEORGE
How?

ERIN
I'm never here. I gotta leave 'em with this
weird sitter all afternoon who costs a
fortune and smells like chicken fat.

GEORGE
I was serious before, you know. If you need
someone to keep an eye on them -- after
school or something -- I don't have a job
now, so I'm around in the afternoons.

ERIN
Great. Another deadbeat.

GEORGE
I'm not a deadbeat. I work when I need to.

ERIN
Yeah? And what do you do the rest of the
time, live off your trust fund?

GEORGE
I do construction, which pays real good.
And I make it last by living cheap.

ERIN
(with a little laugh)
I hope that's not supposed to impress me.

GEORGE
Are you this hard on everyone who tries to
help you?

ERIN
It's been a while. Maybe I'm just out of
practice.

GEORGE
Then lemme remind you, the polite thing is
to say, thank you, that's a real nice offer,
I don't mind taking you up on it.

ERIN
Why in the hell would you want to watch my
kids?

GEORGE
Cause I like kids. I like hanging out with
them.

ERIN
Right.

She starts cleaning up the cards.

GEORGE
I do. I like how they keep it all simple,
you know? They don't get all complicated
about life, like grown-ups do. A bicycle
and an ice cream cone -- boom, done, they're
happy.

Erin thinks about the offer.

ERIN
You're around every afternoon?

GEORGE
Yup. Usually working on my bike.
(she's tempted)
No big deal. If it doesn't work out, you
can send 'em back to the chicken fat lady.

Tempting. Erin looks him over.

ERIN
This isn't gonna get you laid, you know.

GEORGE
(with a laugh)
Yeah, we'll just see about that, won't we?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The wee hours. Erin's in a t-shirt, sitting on her mattress
on the floor. The paperwork from the box is now spread all
over the floor around her. She's reading a letter.

CLOSE ON THE LETTER
It's from PG&E, to Donna and Peter Irving. We see the
phrases, "purchase your house ...", "fair market value ..."

CLOSE ON ANOTHER DOCUMENT

It's a list of comparable house sales in the area. Owner,
cost; owner, cost. Every house is in the $65,000 range.

From another room, she hears the sound of BETH CRYING. Still
reading the file, Erin gets up and goes into:

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BETH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Still reading, Erin gets Beth out of her crib. Beth quiets.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin lies down on the mattress and rests Beth on her chest.
She sets down the file she was reading and picks up another.

CLOSE ON THE FILE

It contains a letter from a Dr. Howard Reeves. The first
paragraph contains the phrase "... medical examination of
Donna and Peter Irving ..."

Toward the end of the letter, there are two columns. One is
headed: "IN RANGE". The other: "OUT OF RANGE". Under that
head appear the following: "lymphocytes, T-lymphocytes,
natural killer cells, T Helpers, T8 suppresser cells".

Erin stares at it, confused.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY

Erin is talking to Jane, who's pouring herself coffee.

ERIN
It was in this real estate file I'm valuing.
And -- see, I know they're the medical
records from the people selling the house --
but it talks about things like lymphocytes
and T8 suppressers.

Erin sees Ed pass behind Jane. She lowers her voice, so he
won't see her asking for help.

ERIN
I mean, it's not a problem or anything, but
-- I'm just a little unclear on what those
things are. I thought maybe you'd know.
JANE
What do I look like, Erin? A library?

And Jane walks away with her coffee.

EXT. UCLA MAIN LIBRARY - DAY

Large. Looming. Very establishment. Through the windows,
we see Erin at the desk, talking to a LIBRARIAN. She has the
file in her hands. Over this:

ROSALIND (O.S.)
Masry & Vititoe, can I help you?

ERIN (O.S.)
Hi, Rosalind, this is Erin. Brockovich.
From the file room? I was wondering if you
could tell Mr. Masry that I'm following up
on that real estate thing out of the office.

The librarian gives her directions to somewhere else.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin offers to have George watch her kids after revealing her guilt of leaving them with a bad babysitter. Erin reads through the real estate file and finds strange medical records of the previous homeowners. She seeks help at the library.
Strengths "Realistic and relatable dialogue between Erin and George. The mystery behind the medical records creates intrigue. Erin's guilt over not being there for her kids adds to her character development."
Weaknesses "Not much visual action happening in the scene. The conflict level is low, and the emotional impact is average."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could benefit from some revision.

First, the dialogue between George and Erin feels a bit forced and unrealistic. Their back and forth banter seems more like an attempt to set up their dynamic as characters than authentic conversation. Some of the lines, like Erin's "Great. Another deadbeat," also feel overly harsh and a little too on-the-nose in terms of establishing conflict.

Second, the transition between the conversation with George and Erin and the scene with Erin in her bedroom doesn't flow very well. It feels like a jarring cut and it's not immediately clear why we're suddenly in her bedroom. Some kind of linking action or visual cue could help soften this transition.

Finally, some of the exposition in the later part of the scene (specifically, the information about the medical records) feels a bit clunky and on-the-nose. It might be more effective to find a way to reveal this information more organically, through action or dialogue that feels more natural.

Overall, this scene is a bit rough around the edges, but with some revision it could be a solid part of a larger script.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from more action and visual description to help capture the viewer's attention. Here are some specific suggestions:

- In the first few lines, consider adding more details to the setting to give us a sense of the atmosphere. For instance, is the room dimly lit? Is there any background noise or music playing?
- When Erin enters the living room, you could add some blocking or physical actions to make her entrance more dynamic. Maybe she's juggling a few things, or she trips over a toy on the floor.
- During the conversation between Erin and George, you could add some descriptive language to show their body language and facial expressions. For example, when Erin says, "I'm never here," does she look guilty or defensive? When George offers to watch her kids, does he look confident or nervous?
- When Erin is reading through the papers, you could add some internal monologue or voiceover to help us understand her thought process and emotions. For example, does she feel overwhelmed or frustrated by the information she's reading?
- In the conversation with the librarian, you could add some tension or conflict to make the scene more interesting. Maybe the librarian is reluctant to provide information, or maybe Erin gets frustrated by the lack of help she's receiving.



Scene 8 -  Erin Visits Dr. Jim Paulsen
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY

Smaller, but still establishment. Erin's Hyundai pulls into
the parking lot.

INT. UCLA MEDICAL LIBRARY - DAY

Erin is at the reference desk, eating a candy bar while she
talks to the LIBRARIAN. He checks something on the computer.
A couple of WHITE-COATED MEDICAL STUDENTS pass her, double-
taking. They don't see many like her around here.

INT. UCLA SCIENCE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

A long, academic hallway lit by fluorescents. Erin gets off
an elevator and heads down the hall. She finds a door with a
nameplate that reads "Jim Paulsen, Epidemiology" and KNOCKS.

The door opens and DR. JIM PAULSEN appears. He's a classic
scientist: unruly hair, thick glasses. Nothing like Erin has
ever shown up at his door. He reels at the sight of her.

ERIN
Dr. Paulsen?

PAULSEN
Yes?

ERIN
Hi, I'm Erin Brockovich. I was just over in
the library there, asking a mess of
questions about -- I guess they call it
epidemiology? -- and the fella there told me
to find you, cause you know all about it.

PAULSEN
(suspicious)
Is this a joke? Did Baxter put you up to
this?

ERIN
Who's Baxter?

PAULSEN
He did, didn't he? Baxter!

BAXTER, another scientist, leans out of a door down the hall.

BAXTER
Yeah?

Baxter and Erin look at each other. No recognition, of
course. Paulsen is immediately embarrassed.

PAULSEN
Oh. Oh.

ERIN
No one put me up to anything. I was just
hoping I could ask you a couple questions.

PAULSEN
(mortified)
Of course! Oh, gosh, of course --

INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Orderly chaos. Dr. Paulsen, still recovering, has Erin's
file in his hands. Erin is sitting across from him.

PAULSEN
Well, look, there isn't a ton of information
here, but from what there is, I'd say that
these two people here -- what are their
names? Shanna and Ashley?

ERIN
Right, I guess those are the kids --

PAULSEN
They've both got some immune system problem.
Can't say what from, whether it's viral or
genetic or what, but something's wrong. And
these guys -- Donna and Peter --

ERIN
Their parents, I'm pretty sure.

PAULSEN
Well, from what this stuff says, I'd say
they both have some form of cancer.

Wow. That's more serious than Erin was expecting.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

CLOSE ON THE FILE on the kitchen counter. The Irvings' phone
number is written on the front. A PHONE IS RINGING.

ERIN (O.S.)
Whoa, whoa! Easy, easy, easy --

WIDEN to see Erin, phone to her ear, grabbing a carton of
juice from Matt and Katie, who are fighting over it at the
table. Just as she takes it from them, the phone picks up.

DONNA'S VOICE (O.S.)
Hi! You've reached the Irvings. Leave a
message and we'll get back to you just as
soon as we can. Bye-bye.

BEEP. Erin thinks a bit, then hangs up and looks at the
file. Scrawled on the cover is the Irvings' address, in
Hinkley, California.

EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - DAY

The beat-up old Hyundai heads east out of L.A. DISCO MUSIC
blares from its speakers.

EXT. HINKLEY, CA - DAY

This is a dry, desolate part of California. No downtown, no
community. Just tract after tract of arid farmland, with
small, bland, unprotected ranch home cropping up out of the
landscape like occasional tombstones.

A beat-up old sign on the road reads: "HINKLEY, CA. POP: "
but the corner where the number would be has broken off.

As a gust of wind lifts dust from the fields, Erin turns onto
Community Boulevard, the main road that cuts through Hinkley.

INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - DAY
Erin looks around. The house she's passing has been razed.
A heap of lumber and wires in the middle of the property.

As she checks the piece of paper with Donna's address, she
drives by the PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION, a massive gray
structure of pipes, chimneys and ladders, set way back from
the road. Erin passes it without noticing it.

She stops at an intersection. The house on the corner has
been boarded up with plywood. Erin notices it -- depressing
-- then turns the corner onto Donna's street.

EXT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE - DAY

A generic ranch home standing all alone in the middle of
nothing. There's a pool out back and a chain link fence
hugging the property. No landscaping. Dull, but clean. A
few BOTTLES OF SPRING WATER wait by the door.

The Hyundai pulls into the driveway and stops. Erin gets
out. As she heads up to the door, her spike heels sink into
the dirt. She rings the bell. It has a melody chime.

DONNA IRVING opens the door. She's 35, petite, with a
scrappy, high-strung manner. She's wearing tight jeans, and
her dark curls are piled on top of her head.

ERIN
Hi. Donna Irving?

DONNA
Yes?

ERIN
I'm Erin Brockovich, from Masry & Vititoe?

DONNA
(a little surprised)
You're a lawyer?

ERIN
Hell, no. I hate lawyers. I just work for
them. You got a minute?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin visits Dr. Jim Paulsen to ask him questions about epidemiology, hoping to find answers for a family she's been trying to help. Dr. Paulsen provides her with a file about the family's health problems, leading Erin to discover the severity of their case. She then heads to Hinkley, California to meet with the family.
Strengths "The scene establishes Erin's determination to help the family, and sets up her quest for justice. The dialogue is brisk and establishes the tone of the film."
Weaknesses "The scene relies on exposition, which may not engage the audience enough visually. There is little action, and the setting is unremarkable."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that sets up the introduction of Dr. Paulsen and Erin's investigation into the health problems in Hinkley. The dialogue is natural and reveals information about the characters, their backgrounds, and their motivations.

However, there are a few areas for improvement. Firstly, the description of the location and characters could be more vivid and detailed to help the reader visualize the scene. Secondly, there could be more action to increase the tension and pacing of the scene, such as Erin struggling to find Dr. Paulsen's office or Donna being hesitant to talk to her.

In addition, the transition from Erin asking Dr. Paulsen questions to Erin driving to Hinkley could be smoother, as there is a sudden jump in time and location. Finally, the use of disco music as a soundtrack to Erin's journey seems out of place and could be replaced with a more fitting choice of music.

Overall, this scene effectively sets up the next phase of Erin's investigation, but with some small tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some more description and emotion to really convey the tone of the setting and characters. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Add more description of the UCLA Medical Library and Science Building. What do they look like? How do they feel? This will help set the scene and give the reader more of a sense of place.
- Consider adding more personality to Erin in her interactions with the librarian and Dr. Paulsen. Right now, she comes across as somewhat generic and almost interchangeable with any other protagonist. Some unique dialogue or actions could help make her stand out and be more memorable.
- Try to add some more emotion to the reveal about the illnesses of the children and parents. This should be a turning point in the story, but it's currently delievered in a matter-of-fact way that makes it feel less impactful. Maybe have Erin react more strongly, or have Dr. Paulsen struggle to find the words to convey the severity of the situation.
- Add more description of Hinkley and the Irving house. The current descriptions of "desolate" and "generic" don't do much to help the reader visualize the setting. What is the lighting like? What are the specific architectural details of the house? These small touches can help paint a more vivid picture in the reader's mind.
- Finally, consider adding some tension or conflict to the interaction between Erin and Donna Irving. Right now it feels too easy - Donna is surprised but ultimately agrees to talk to Erin without much pushback. Adding some skepticism or reluctance from Donna could make the scene more engaging and help set up potential obstacles for Erin later on.



Scene 9 -  The Chromium Connection
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. THE IRVINGS' HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The house is furnished with little money, but lots of care.
Erin's on a plaid couch, in a sea of needlepoint pillows.
Out back, two GIRLS, ages 9 and 11, are playing in a pool.

ERIN
This is a real nice place you got here.

DONNA (O.S.)
Well it oughta be, with all the work I put
into it.

She comes out from the kitchen with a tray of iced tea.

DONNA
I added air conditioning, put in the pool,
made all those pillows by hand ...

ERIN
Yeah? I should learn to do stuff like that.
They make the place feel real homey.

Donna corrects the positioning on a couple of pillows.

DONNA
Thank you. I think so too. That's why I'm
being such a stickler on this house price
thing. I don't mean to be a pain in PG&E's
backside, especially after all they've done
for Hinkley, but I look around here and I
think, if they want this place, they're
gonna have to pay for it. And I don't just
mean pay for the house; I'd like them to pay
me for the trouble of starting over.

ERIN
Right.

DONNA
Cause first you gotta move, then there's
decorating, and if the windows aren't the
same size, you know -- you're making all new
curtains. Honest to God, I don't know if I
have the energy. You know, I've been sick.
Me and Peter both have.

ERIN
Yeah, I'm real glad you brought that up. I
was going through your file here, and I ran
into these medical records. They kinda
surprised me --

This would be the perfect opportunity for many to get self-
pitying. But not Donna. Life's handed her a shitload of
lemons, and darned if she hasn't made a shitload of lemonade.

DONNA
I know. They're more than a bit unusual.
See, two years ago, Pete got Hodgkin's
disease. That's a kind of cancer --

ERIN
Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that.

DONNA
Thank you. It's in remission now, thank the
Lord, but you never know. And then while
that's going on, I end up having to have a
hysterectomy. Plus a whole mess of lumps
removed from my breasts. All benign so far,
but still, no matter how positive you stay,
an operation can still take it out of you.

ERIN
I'll say. Holy moley.

DONNA
So the whole idea of selling the house --
don't get me wrong, I'd be glad to move to
some better place, but if they aren't gonna
pay us properly, I just don't see the point.

ERIN
Yeah, I can see that.
(beat)
I guess the only thing that confused me is -
- not that your medical problems aren't
important, but -- how come the files about
them are in with all the real estate stuff?

Donna tops off their iced teas.

DONNA
Are you kidding? With how our lives are, if
I start subdividing files, I'll be sunk. I
just kept all PG&E correspondence in one
place.

ERIN
Right, but -- I'm sorry, I don't see why you
were corresponding with PG&E about it in the
first place.

DONNA
Well, they paid for the doctor's visit.

ERIN
They did?

DONNA
You bet. Paid for a check-up for the whole
family. And not like with insurance where
you pay, then wait a year to be reimbursed,
either. They just took care of it. Just
like that. We never even saw a bill.

ERIN
Wow. Why would they do that?

DONNA
Cause of the chromium.

ERIN
The what?

DONNA
The chromium. Well, that's what kicked this
whole thing off.

INT. IRVING HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY

CLOSE ON A BOX, with "CHROM INFO" scrawled on it.

DONNA (O.S.)
PG&E came around a few years ago, told us
they put chromium in our well by mistake.
And since we shouldn't have to drink it if
we don't want to, they gave us free spring
water and offered to buy our house.

WIDEN to see Donna pulling the box down into the room.

ERIN
What's chromium?

DONNA
It's a chemical they used over at that
compressor station up the road there.

ERIN
Well, hell, maybe that's why you all have
been so sick --

DONNA
I thought the same thing, right off the bat.
That's why we went to see the doctor. But
hunh-uh. Turns out one's got nothing to do
with the other.

She rifles through the box.

DONNA
This is the info they gave us. You'll see
if you look through it, chromium's good for
you. When I saw what they charged for it at
the health-food stores, I about fainted.

She hands Erin a printed fact sheet. Erin scans it.

ERIN
Seems like an awful big coincidence -- your
water being messed with and you being so
sick.

DONNA
Not around here. This is a rough part of
the world. Hard times, not a lot of money,
not a lot of luck.
(beat)
It's a challenge, staying healthy in a town
like this. Heck, even our dogs up and die.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin's driving away from Donna's house. A street lamp throws
light on the box of chromium documents in the passenger seat.

She gets to an intersection and looks across the street at
the massive COMPRESSOR STATION. Six stories high, lit up
like a Christmas tree, with all sizes of PIPES criss-crossing
the outside and GIANT COOLING TOWERS sticking up out of it.
Far more massive than anything else in town, it looms over
the horizon like the Capitol in D.C. or St. Peter's in Rome.

Erin takes a long look at the compressor station, then turns
onto Community Boulevard and drives away.
Genres: ["drama","mystery"]

Summary Erin and Donna discuss the house price, PG&E's offer to buy their house and Donna's medical problems. Donna explains how PG&E paid for Peter's Hodgkin's disease check-up, removed chromium from their well and offered to buy their house. Erin starts to suspect a connection between the chromium and the medical problems.
Strengths "The scene provides important backstory and information about PG&E's involvement with the community. Donna's positive attitude and resilience add depth to her character. Erin's suspicion about the chromium adds an element of mystery."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and lacks action. The dialogue is not very engaging."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

The scene contains good character development and the dialogue is engaging, allowing the audience to get a sense of the personalities of Erin and Donna. The setting and the atmosphere are well-described, with attention to detail, which is essential for creating a visual image in the audience's mind.

One critique would be that the scene is long and lacks dramatic tension. There is no clear conflict or obstacle that the characters are facing, and the dialogue seems more like a casual conversation than a scene that is driving the story forward. The scene should have a clear purpose, such as revealing new information about the case or introducing a potential obstacle for Erin to overcome.

Additionally, the scene does not have a clear beginning, middle, and end. It feels like a meandering conversation without a clear arc or goal in mind. A stronger structure would help the scene feel more purposeful and engaging.

Overall, while the scene has some strong elements, it could benefit from stronger structure and more dramatic tension to keep the audience engaged in the story.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to increase the tension or conflict between Erin and Donna. Currently, the conversation between them is mostly friendly and informative. Adding some tension could make the scene more engaging and help to move the plot forward.

For example, Erin could push Donna harder on her reluctance to sell the house and her demands for compensation. Alternatively, Donna could become defensive or angry when Erin starts questioning the chromium contamination. These conflicts could create more of a back-and-forth between the characters and make the scene more dynamic.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from some visual description to help establish the setting and atmosphere. Rather than simply stating that the house is furnished with "lots of care," the writer could describe the specific details of the decor or the state of the furniture. This would help to paint a richer picture of the environment and make it easier for the audience to imagine being there.

Finally, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of its overall purpose within the story. As it stands, it feels like mostly exposition and backstory. However, by tying the events and information from this scene more tightly into the larger plot, it could feel more significant and drive the story forward more effectively.



Scene 10 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin is holding Beth, making her a bottle, when she hears
NOISES coming from outside. She follows them.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin opens the door to find George attaching bars to her
windows.

ERIN
What're you doing?

GEORGE
Better safe than sorry.

She shakes her head, amused by his persistence.
ERIN
You want some coffee, George?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

George follows Erin in.

GEORGE
I'm gonna put a dead bolt on your front
door, too. This isn't exactly the safest
neighborhood in the world, you know.

ERIN
Thanks for reminding me.

GEORGE
I guess we get what we pay for, huh?

Erin pours him some coffee, hands it to him.

ERIN
You think it could make you sick, living in
a place like this?

GEORGE
What do you mean?

George settles in, helps himself to sugar.

ERIN
I was talking to this lady -- she and her
husband both got cancer, and she thinks it's
cause they live in a bad neighborhood. You
think that's possible? That living in a bad
neighborhood could give you cancer?

George laughs a little at the thought.

GEORGE
Man, I hope not. You got enough damn
problems.

But Erin's still mulling it over.

EXT. NORTHRIDGE, ERIN'S BLOCK - DAY

Erin clips down the block in short-shorts and high-heeled
boots. Up ahead a few of DOWN-ON-THEIR-LUCK MEN are out on a
stoop, drinking their breakfast. Erin approaches them.

ERIN
Hi, y'all -- how you doing today?

MAN 1
Hangin' in, baby. How about yourself?

ERIN
I'm okay, I'm just fine. I was wondering --
could I maybe ask you a couple questions?

She settles down on the stoop with them for a chat.

INT. PAULSEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Dr. Paulsen and Erin are sitting, talking. He's thrilled to
have her back in his office.

ERIN
... and when I realized our area's just as
bad as Hinkley, I thought maybe my neighbors
are all sick too. So I went and asked.

PAULSEN
(surprised)
You did?

Erin digs a pad of paper out of her bag.

ERIN
Uh-huh. Spent the last few days knocking on
doors. And you know what? They're not.
(reads from the pad)
I mean, they got problems, but none of this
cancer stuff. And their pets are fine. So
I don't know -- I just can't shake the
feeling that it wasn't no multivitamin they
put in the water.

PAULSEN
Well, if you're talking about contamination,
you're getting out of my area of expertise.
Let me give you the name of a toxicologist
friend of mine over at USC.

Paulsen reaches for a notepad, scrawls on it.

INT. UCLA MEDICAL BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Paulsen is seeing Erin out of his office.

PAULSEN
I gotta say, Erin -- first time I saw you, I
did not peg you as the kind to go off and
conduct her own epidemiological study.

ERIN
Don't go telling anyone. It'll ruin my
reputation.

EXT. USC CAMPUS - DAY

Erin towers over DAVID FRANKEL as she walks across campus
with him. He's the grittier variety of scientist: Patagonia,
Birkenstocks, bushy beard. He's as dry as dust, and as much
as Dr. Paulsen responded to Erin, Frankel barely notices her.

FRANKEL
What kind of chromium is it?

ERIN
There's more than one kind?

FRANKEL
Yes. There's straight-up chromium -- does
all kinds of good things for the body.
There's chrom 3, which is fairly benign, and
then there's chrom 6, hexavalent chromium,
which, depending on the amounts, can be very
harmful.

ERIN
Harmful, like -- how? What would you get?

FRANKEL
With repeated exposure to toxic levels --
God, anything, really -- respiratory
disease, liver failure, heart failure,
reproductive failure, chronic headaches,
bone or organ deterioration -- plus, of
course, any type of cancer.

He rattles it off coolly. Just facts. Erin's stunned.

ERIN
So that stuff -- it kills people.

FRANKEL
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Highly toxic, highly
carcinogenic. Bad, bad stuff.

ERIN
Well, how do I find out what kind of
chromium is up in Hinkley?

FRANKEL
Have you been to the water board?

ERIN
Hunh-uh. What's that?

FRANKEL
Every county has one. They keep records of
anything water-related within their
jurisdiction. You should be able to find
something there.

ERIN
County water board. All righty, thanks.

FRANKEL
Good luck.
(beat)
Oh -- I wouldn't advertise what you're
looking for if I were you ...

His line continues over:
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot appropriately critique the factual accuracy of this scene, as I do not have enough context about the story or characters. However, for the purposes of analyzing the scene from a screenwriting standpoint, there are a few observations that could be made:

- The scene contains a clear goal for Erin: to find out if her neighborhood is contaminated and making people sick. This gives the scene a strong sense of purpose, and makes Erin an active participant in the story.
- The dialogue between Erin and George feels natural and establishes their relationship as friendly acquaintances.
- The scene introduces new characters and a new setting (the USC campus), which adds variety to the story and expands its scope.
- Frankel's warning to Erin to not advertise what she's looking for creates tension and raises the stakes of her investigation.

Overall, this is a well-written scene that moves the story forward and keeps the audience engaged.
Suggestions FRANKEL (CONT'D)
...there are a lot of powerful people who wouldn't appreciate their dirty secrets being aired.

Erin nods, taking note of Frankel's warning. She's starting to realize the severity of the situation and the potential danger she's putting herself in. Perhaps have her acknowledge this in some way, either through dialogue or her actions. Additionally, adding more sensory details and descriptions would bring the scene to life and make it more engaging for the audience. Finally, consider tightening up the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful.



Scene 11 -  Erin does detective work
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin's Hyundai pulls up and stops in a cloud of dust.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
... Incriminating records have a way of
disappearing when people smell trouble.

Erin hops out, checks her reflection in the side-view mirror,
then heads into the building.

INT. LAHOTAN REGIONAL COUNTY WATER BOARD - DAY

Drab, government-issue. ROSS, the bored desk clerk is
thumbing his way through ROAD & TRACK. Just as he stops to
stare at a motor oil ad in which a buxom blonde is straddling
the hood of a car, the huge door opens and Erin enters.

ERIN
Whew! Goddamn, that's a heavy door.

Ross looks up. It's like the girl from the ad walked right
off the page. He jumps up, to help her with the door.

ROSS
Oh, hey -- lemme give you a hand there.

ERIN
Thank you very much. Aren't you a
gentleman? Mr. ...
ROSS
Ross.

ERIN
Ross. Real pleased to meet you. I'm Erin.

She smiles. He can't believe his luck.

ROSS
Erin. Cool. What can I do for you, Erin?

ERIN
Well, believe it or not, I am on the prowl
for some water records.

ROSS
(with a laugh)
You come to the right place.

ERIN
(laughing along)
I guess I did.

ROSS
You just tell me what you want to look at
and I'll be glad to dig 'em out for you.

ERIN
I wish I knew. It's for my boss. He's
fighting his water bill, and he wants me to
find all manner of bills from all kinds of
places. The easiest thing would probably be
if I just squeezed back there with you and
poked around myself. Would that be okay?

ROSS
Heck, yeah. Come on back. Just gonna need
you to sign in here --

He hands her a pen. He reads over her shoulder as she signs
her name -- Erin Pattee Brockovich.

ROSS
Pattee? That your middle name?

ERIN
Nope. Maiden.

ROSS
(disappointed)
You're married.
ERIN
Not anymore.

She smiles and winks at him, then goes around the counter
with him and looks at the stacks and stacks of files.

ERIN
Well. Here goes nothing.

She heads down an aisle, reading the spines of the files.
They're all town names -- Barstow, Victorville, Oro Grande,
Helendale -- in no particular order. Finally, Erin spots one
that says Hinkley. She pulls it down.

IN THE FILE

are pages and pages of Xeroxed memoranda, letters, charts,
graphs, handwritten notes. All shoved in willy-nilly.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

George is watching a football game on TV. He's just put TV
dinners on the floor in front of the Matt and Katie.

MATT
Our mom gives us sandwiches on Fridays.

GEORGE
That's a sandwich.

KATIE
No, it's not!

GEORGE
Sure it is. Here, I'll show you.

He picks up Matt's chicken, tears it in two ...

GEORGE
Most people think a sandwich's gotta have
bread on the outside. Not true. Chicken is
a perfectly good outside for a sandwich.

... then places the broccoli neatly between the halves.

GEORGE
See?

Katie and Matthew look at it, then up at George, and smile.
This guy just might be all right, after all.
EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

It's gotten dark. Erin's Hyundai's still there.

INT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

Erin is on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her.
She has a bunch of files open and spread across the floor.
The one in her hand has caught her attention.

INSERT ON THE PAPER

It's a memo titled "CLEAN-UP AND ABATEMENT ORDER" from the
water board to PG&E. Erin is concentrating hard on it,
reading laboriously to herself.

ERIN (O.S.)
"... On December 7, 1987, the discharger
notified the regional board and the San
Bernardino County Environmental Health
Services of the discovery of 0.58 ppm of
hexavalent chromium in an on-site ground
water monitoring well ..."
(beat)
... hexavalent ...

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

CLOSE ON A XEROX OF THE ABATEMENT ORDER. WIDEN to see it is
on top of a stack of papers that Erin is carrying as she
enters the office. She has an efficient air about her -- a
sense of purpose.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, FILE ROOM - DAY

Erin swoops in, ready to work, only to find her desk cleared
off. She turns to Anna, who's already hard at work.

ERIN
Where's my stuff?

Anna looks up.

ANNA
Where've you been?

ERIN
What the fuck did you do with my stuff?

ANNA
Don't use language with me --
But Erin's out the door before Anna can finish her sentence.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin visits a government facility to uncover water records and finds a memo that links PG&E to contaminated groundwater. She works late into the night to review the files and arrives at her office only to find her desk has been cleared off.
Strengths "The scene sets up a significant plot point and showcases Erin's determination and investigative skills. The dialogue between Erin and Ross is playful and engaging."
Weaknesses "The introduction of Erin's children and their interaction with George feels disconnected from the main plot."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

- The opening description of Erin's arrival at the water board lacks detail and could benefit from more sensory description to create a vivid image in the reader's mind.
- The dialogue between Ross and Erin feels forced and awkward, particularly with the way Ross reacts to Erin's arrival. It doesn't feel believable that he would jump up to help with the door and be so taken with her appearance.
- The exchange about Erin's water records search could be more streamlined and efficient, as it feels repetitive and goes on too long.
- There are a few misspelled words and typos that should be corrected.
- The scene transition to George at Erin's house doesn't feel particularly smooth or relevant to the main story.
- The nighttime scene of Erin working at the water board could benefit from more tension and suspense. Right now, it feels a bit bland and uneventful.
- The final exchange with Anna could use more context and clarity, so that the reader understands what's going on and why Erin is so upset.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more attention to detail, streamlined dialogue, and a stronger sense of tension and stakes.
Suggestions The scene is well-paced and has a good flow, but here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Increase tension: While the dialogue between Erin and Ross is friendly and flirtatious, there is no real tension or conflict in the scene. Consider adding an obstacle or challenge for Erin to overcome in her search for the water records, or have Ross become suspicious of her true intentions.

2. Use visuals: The scene description is straightforward, but could benefit from more vivid details to help bring the setting to life. For example, what does the building look like? Are there any interesting or unique features that would stand out to Erin or the audience?

3. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Erin simply read aloud the memo she finds, consider showing how she reacts to the information. Does she gasp in shock? Does her expression change? This will help convey the importance of the information to the audience.

4. Develop Anna's character: Anna is introduced briefly and doesn't have much to do in this scene. Consider giving her more of a presence and personality, such as having her be annoyed with Erin's absence or teasing her about her flirtatious behavior with Ross. This will make the scene feel more dynamic and interesting.



Scene 12 -  Erin's Job Status is Questioned
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY

JANE is at her desk. Erin barrels in.

ERIN
Someone stole my stuff.

JANE
Nice to see you, Erin. We've missed you.

ERIN
I had photos of my kids, plus a mug --

Jane reaches under her desk for a box, looks through it.

JANE
-- toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pair of
hose. Here.

ERIN
What's going on?

JANE
There may be jobs where you can disappear
for days at a time, but this isn't one of
them. Here, if you don't do the work, you
don't get to stay.

She hands her the box. Erin doesn't take it.

ERIN
I've been working. Shit, that's all I've
been doing. Ask Mr. Masry. He knows.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed's at his desk, dialing the phone when Erin barrels in.

ERIN
You said to fire me?

He sets down the receiver.

ED
Erin, you've been gone for a week.

ERIN
I left a message. I've been dealing with
that real estate thing. I was gonna write
up a whole damn report and --
ED
That's not how we work here. You don't just
leave a message and take off.

Jane follows her in, still carrying the box of stuff.

ERIN
What am I supposed to do, check in every two
seconds?

JANE
Yes. It's called accountability.

ERIN
I am not talking to you, bitch.

JANE
Excuse me?

ED
Okay, enough --
(beat)
Now, look, Erin -- this incident aside, I
don't think this is the right place for you.
So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on
your behalf. Find you something else, okay?

ERIN
Don't bother.

She turns to Jane, takes her box, and heads out.

ED
Come on, I'm trying to help here.

ERIN
Bullshit. You're trying to feel less guilty
about firing someone with three kids to
feed. Fuck if I'll help you do that.

And she leaves.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - DAY

As Erin heads for the door, pleased glances fly from
secretary to secretary. Erin reaches the door, but can't
open it with the box in her arms. She turns to the room.

ERIN
I don't suppose any one of you cunts could
open the fucking door for me.
EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Erin's Hyundai rumbles to a stop in front of the house. Erin
shoves open the creaky, reluctant door, lifts her box of
stuff off the seat, and gets out.

As she walks around the car and toward the house, she runs
into the MAILMAN. He hands her a packet of mail.

MAILMAN
Here ya go, Miz Brockovich.

Erin looks at the top of the stack. It's the electric bill.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Erin enters, puts down the box and stares at the mail.
Bills, bills, and more bills. As she throws them on the
table, she sees George coming out of the kitchen.

ERIN
What are you doing here?

GEORGE
Fixing a leak under your sink.

She heads into the kitchen, weary and irritated.

ERIN
I didn't ask you to do that. Damn it,
George, I don't ask you to do things like
that.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary Erin returns to work and discovers her things were stolen. The boss Ed reviews her absence and informs her of her potential firing. Erin lashes out at Jane before ultimately quitting, with the secretaries enjoying the spectacle. Erin heads home to tend to bills and her home, where George is found fixing things for her.
Strengths "The scene showcases high tension between different characters, highlighting Erin's fiery personality and the coldness of the workplace. The scene's dialogue is sharp and biting, with each character's true colors on full display. Furthermore, the emphasis on Erin's personal life and finances grounds the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene's placement could be better in the overall story structure. While necessary for the plot, it's not the most engaging or immersive section of the story."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with strong dialogue and clear characterizations. Erin's frustration and anger are palpable, but the scene could use more visual description to add depth and texture to the setting. For example, providing more detail about the office or Erin's house would help ground the scene in the physical world. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more action and movement to break up the dialogue and keep the audience engaged. Finally, some of the language, particularly the use of derogatory terms, may be inappropriate and could be revised to avoid offending viewers.
Suggestions 1. Tighten up the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful.

2. Consider using more descriptive and emotional language to convey the tone of the scene.

3. Show more emotion from Erin to help the audience see her frustration and anger over the situation.

4. Use physical action to show the tension and conflict between Erin and the other characters.

5. Consider adding more context to the scene to help the audience understand the backstory and motivations of the characters.



Scene 13 -  Bug Hunt and Heartache
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin enters, sees all the cleaning stuff from under the sink
is spread around the kitchen floor. A tool box lies open.

ERIN
Great.

GEORGE
I'm gonna clean it up.

Erin gets down on her knees and starts putting things away.

GEORGE
Relax, Erin, I'll do it -- I'm not --

Before he can finish, a huge WATER BUG runs onto Erin's hand.
ERIN
Ugh -- Jesus --

She jumps and brushes it off.

GEORGE
Yeah -- you had a whole family of those
things hanging out back there.

She takes off her shoe and smacks at the bug, missing it.

ERIN
Damn it --

The bug skitters away from her, along the floorboard. Erin
chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time.

GEORGE
Don't worry about it, I'll get it later.

But Erin keeps after it, corralling all her frustrations into
killing that one bug.

ERIN
Come here, you little motherfucker --

The bug crawls up onto the table, zipping behind the salt,
the pepper, the napkin holder. Erin keeps after it, BANGING
the table harder and harder with each SMACK of her shoe.

GEORGE
Hey, whoa -- relax --

The salt and pepper skid off the table. The napkins fly from
their holder. Just as Erin's about to nail the bug, it slips
into a crack in the wall and disappears. Erin hurls her shoe
at the crack. It SMASHES into the wall.

ERIN
GOD DAMN IT!

As Erin stands there staring at the wall, her breath starts
to come heavily -- those deep breaths that precede tears.
She slowly slides down into a chair, defeat overcoming her.

ERIN
(almost a whisper)
... God damn it.

She looks around at her for-shit kitchen and starts to cry.

ERIN
What kind of person lives like this? Huh?
What kind of person lets her kids run around
in a house crawling with bugs the size of
housecats?

GEORGE
It's a simple thing. Everybody gets them.
All we gotta do is call an exterminator.

ERIN
I can't call an exterminator. I can't afford
one. God, I can't even afford my phone.
(beat)
I got fired.

GEORGE
What? But you been working so hard --

ERIN
Doesn't matter. Doesn't make one bit of
difference.
(then, fragile)
Oh God, George, how'd this happen to me?
How'd I end up so ... so nothing?

George picks a napkin up off the floor, hands it to her.

GEORGE
You're not nothing, Erin.

ERIN
Well, I'm sure as hell not what I thought I
was gonna be. I was supposed to have one of
those great lives, with everything all laid-
out and perfect. I mean, hell -- I was Miss
Wichita, for God's sakes. Did I tell you
that? You live next door to a real live
beauty queen.
(wipes her nose)
I still got the tiara. I kept it cause I
thought it meant something. I thought it
meant I was gonna do something great with my
life. I thought it proved I was gonna grow
up to be someone.

GEORGE
You are someone.

ERIN
No I'm not. Look at me. I'm not.

GEORGE
You're someone to me.
(beat)
You're someone real special to me.

He takes a step toward her and kneels in front of her, very
close. He takes her shoe from her hand and puts it back on
her foot. Then he takes her hands in his and kisses them.

ERIN
I'm no good, George. I make people
miserable.

But he kisses her anyway. And for the first time in so long,
she feels like something other than a failure. He pulls her
into him, and she lets herself be pulled.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Erin and George are in bed, naked, curled around each other.

GEORGE
Man. Even your earlobes are beautiful.

He kisses one.

ERIN
Don't be too nice to me, okay? It makes me
nervous.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is at his desk. The PHONE RINGS. And RINGS. And RINGS.

ED
Brenda!
(no answer)
BRENDA!

Nothing. Ed growls in frustration, then gets the phone.

ED
Yeah, Ed Masry here ... She doesn't work
here anymore. Who's this?

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

CLOSE ON THE TABLE, where Beth is bobbing in her baby chair.
On one side of her is a heap of bills with "PAST DUE" and
"PLEASE REMIT" stamped on them. On the other, the well-
thumbed CLASSIFIED SECTION, with circles and X's all over it.

The DOORBELL rings. Erin swoops in and picks up Beth.
ERIN
Come on, baby. Maybe that's Ed McMahon.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Erin and George try to clean up a bug infestation in her house, but Erin becomes overwhelmed with feelings of failure and frustration. George comforts her, and they end up in bed together. Meanwhile, Ed receives a call trying to reach Erin at her old job.
Strengths "This scene explores Erin's vulnerabilities and the comfort she finds in George. The emotional connection between these two characters is palpable and their dialogue is realistic. The scene also builds on the conflict introduced in the previous scenes."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more action and visual interest, as it mostly takes place in Erin's kitchen and bedroom. Some of the dialogue feels melodramatic and heavy-handed."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and has solid character development, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, the action lines could be more engaging and specific. For example, instead of "Erin chases it, smacking at it repeatedly, missing it every time," the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions of Erin's actions. This would create a more dynamic scene and allow the reader to better visualize what's happening.

Second, while the emotional journey of the scene is clear and effective, some of the dialogue feels a bit cliched and predictable. For example, when Erin says "What kind of person lives like this? Huh? What kind of person lets her kids run around in a house crawling with bugs the size of housecats?" it feels like something we've heard many times before. The dialogue could benefit from more unique and specific language that feels true to the characters.

Finally, the transition from the kitchen scene to Erin and George in bed feels a bit abrupt. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of the passage of time and how the characters ended up in bed together. This would make the scene feel more organic and less jarring.

Overall, this scene is effective in terms of character development and emotional resonance, but could benefit from some more engaging action lines and more unique dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, this scene has good character development and emotional depth. However, there are a few ways to improve its impact on the audience:

1. Clarify the goal of the scene: The scene starts with Erin and George cleaning up, but quickly turns into a bug-killing frenzy and then a sobbing confession about Erin's recent job loss and feelings of failure. It's unclear what the main goal of the scene is or what the characters are trying to achieve. It would be helpful to clarify this early on and make sure that all actions and dialogue are moving toward that goal.

2. Streamline the bug-killing action: While the bug-killing scene is certainly visceral, it goes on for too long and becomes repetitive. Instead of having Erin chase the bug all over the kitchen, try condensing the action into a few quick beats that show her frustration and anger. This will allow the scene to move on to the more important emotional development between Erin and George.

3. Show, don't tell Erin's job loss: Erin's confession about her job loss feels sudden and tacked-on. Instead of having her burst into tears and announce it, try showing hints of her financial struggles throughout the scene - perhaps she's avoiding certain bills or wincing at the cost of an exterminator. This will make her confession feel more organic and impactful.

4. Cut the Ed Masry subplot: The final moment of the scene, with Erin hoping Ed McMahon is at the door, feels out of place with the rest of the scene's emotional gravity. Additionally, the reference to Ed Masry (and his subsequent absence from the next few scenes) feels like a loose end that distracts from the story's primary focus. By cutting this subplot, the scene can stay more focused on Erin's emotional journey and her relationship with George.



Scene 14 -  Erin and Ed Make a Deal
  • Overall: 8.1
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Erin carries Beth over to the front door, spies through the
peephole, and sees Ed standing there. She opens the door.

ERIN
What are you doing here?

ED
I got an interesting call this afternoon.
It was from a Dr. Frankel.

ERIN
Oh, yeah?

ED
He wanted you to know the legal limit for
hexavalent chromium, is .05 parts per
million. And that at the rate you
mentioned, .58, it could be responsible for
the cancers in that family you asked about.
The Irvings.

ERIN
Well, that was nice of him. Isn't it funny
how some people go out of their way to help
people and others just give 'em the ax?

ED
Look, I'm sorry. You were gone. I just
assumed you were off having fun.

ERIN
Now, why in the hell would you assume that?

ED
I don't know. Maybe cause you look like
someone who has a lot of fun.

ERIN
Boy, are you ever a shitty judge of people.

Ed takes a beat, copping to the charge.

ED
So what's the story on this thing? This
cancer stuff?
ERIN
You wanna know, you gotta hire me back. I
got a lot of bills to pay.

He glares at her. Realizes he has no choice.

ED
Fine.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER

Erin has let Ed in. They're sitting.

ED
But, PG&E told her about the chromium?

ERIN
They told her something, but it can't have
been too specific, cause I talked to her,
and she sure didn't think her water was bad.

ED
So what made you think it was?

ERIN
It doesn't take a genius to look at those
medical records and think something's wrong.

ED
What medical records?

ERIN
The ones in the box of files.
(off Ed's blank look)
The box of files? The one from your office?

ED
I didn't see any medical records in there.

ERIN
Boy, you musta really fine-tooth-combed it
then, huh?
(to herself)
And you fired me. Jesus.

Ed thinks for a moment.

ED
That document you found, the one that says
it was the bad chromium -- you didn't happen
to make a copy did you?
ERIN
Course I did.

ED
Lemme see it, will you?

Before getting it for him, she looks at him, weighs her odds.

ERIN
I want a raise. And benefits. Including
dental.

ED
Look, Erin, this is not the way I do
business, this extortion nonsense.

Erin doesn't budge.

ED
Okay. A 5% raise, and --

ERIN
Ten.
(off his look)
There's a lot of other places I could work.

ED
A ten percent raise and benefits. But
that's it. I'm drawing the line.

She goes to her box of stuff from the office and digs out the
document for him. He scans it.

ED
This is the only thing you found?

ERIN
So far. But that place is a pig sty. I
wouldn't be surprised if there's more.

ED
Find out.

EXT. 10 FREEWAY - DAY

Erin's Hyundai zips along the freeway. "Funky Town" is
blaring from the tinny stereo. Over it:

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I hate this music.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Ed meets Erin outside her house to discuss the cause of cancer to a family and they go into Erin’s house to talk about the issue. Erin agrees to help Ed, but also demands a ten percent raise and benefits before the deal is sealed.
Strengths "The scene showcases a clear conflict between Erin and Ed and the tension builds up to the point where Erin manages to get a raise out of Ed. The dialogue is also realistic and keeps the scene engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly dialogue-driven, which could make the pacing slow for some viewers. Additionally, the background music choice seems out of place."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and moves the story forward, but there are a few suggestions for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue between Erin and Ed could be more concise. Some of the lines could be cut or condensed to make the dialogue flow better. For example, Erin's line, "Now, why in the hell would you assume that?" could be shortened to "Why would you assume that?"

Secondly, there isn't much visual description or action in the scene. This makes it feel a bit stagnant and uninteresting. Adding more visual elements, like Erin carrying Beth to the door, or Ed's body language as he responds to Erin's accusation of being a "shitty judge of people," could make the scene more dynamic.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more emotion. While there is tension between Erin and Ed, it never really reaches a boiling point. Adding more emotional stakes, like having Erin confront him more aggressively or Ed showing more frustration over Erin's demands for a raise, could heighten the tension and make the scene more engaging.

Overall, the scene has potential but could use some tightening up and more dynamic elements to be more effective.
Suggestions 1. Consider giving more visual cues to the setting. What does Erin's house look like? Is it messy or tidy? Is there anything interesting about the decor? This can help create a stronger mental image for the audience and make the scene more vivid.

2. Think about the characters' physical actions and movements. Are they just sitting and talking the whole time? Consider adding some blocking or gestures to make the scene more dynamic and interesting to watch.

3. Consider adding more conflict or tension. While Ed and Erin are negotiating a deal, there's not a lot of dramatic tension in the scene. Think about ways to raise the stakes or create more friction between the two characters.

4. Think about the pacing of the scene. Are there any parts that feel slow or drag on too long? Consider cutting or tightening the dialogue in those sections to keep the momentum of the scene moving forward.

5. Finally, think about what this scene contributes to the larger story. Is it advancing the plot or developing characters in a meaningful way? If not, consider reworking or cutting the scene altogether.



Scene 15 -  Family Road Trip
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HYUNDAI - DAY
Erin's driving. Matthew's in the front seat. Katie and Beth
(in a car seat) are in the back.

ERIN
There's no way a son of mine hates Funky
Town. It's impossible.

MATTHEW
Well I hate it.

KATIE
I hate it too. I hate this trip.

ERIN
Oh, come on, where's your sense of
adventure? We're going someplace you never
been before.

KATIE
I'm gonna hate it.

MATTHEW
Me too.

She glances at them, frowns a little.

ERIN
You know what I'm realizing for the first
time? You kids are a couple of downers. I
mean, you are the real thing -- a couple of
honest-to-God depresso-types.
(small smile)
Who in the heck raised you, anyway? Some
kind of moron?

Katie smiles a little. She likes this side of her mom.

KATIE
Yeah. A real moron.

ERIN
Some kind of half-wit, no-good, big-haired,
bimbo, I bet.

MATTHEW
(also smiling)
Yeah.

ERIN
Thank God we got you away from her, huh?
By now they're all smiling. Funky Town plays on.

EXT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY

The Hyundai is parked at the entrance to the station, by a
row of dead trees. Erin is standing beside a sign that says
"Private Property. No Trespassing", taking pictures of the
massive structure in the distance. Matthew, Katie, and Beth
are drawing in the dirt with sticks.

ERIN
Stay out of the road. I'll be right back.

She wanders up the drive, onto PG&E property, moving around
the plant, taking pictures of it from every possible angle.

As she wanders over a big, flat, dry field to the side of the
plant, she glances over her shoulder to check on her kids and
notices the trail she made in the dirt has a greenish hue.
She looks at the dirt right her feet. Kicks the ground.

Below the surface, the dirt turns from brown to green. Erin
notes this, then looks back at her kids playing in the dirt.
Worry comes over her face. She heads back to them.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - DAY

The kids are waiting at the car. Erin comes out of the store
with a bottle of water and uses it to rinse off their hands.

EXT. WATER BOARD - DAY

The sound of a BABY CRYING. The Hyundai's parked in front.

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I'm hungry.

INT. WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin is at the Xerox machine, copying a file while she tries
to calm Beth. There's a stack of files on the nearby table.
Matthew and Katie are flopping around on the floor.

ERIN
We'll go eat in a minute. Settle down.

Whining, fussing. Ross goes over to her.

ROSS
You know what, Erin? I got nothing but time
here. Why don't you let me do that for you,
and you can get your kids some dinner.
ERIN
Ross -- you are an absolute angel.

She hands Ross the STACK OF DOCUMENTS.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY

Ed comes in in the morning, and without pausing, hands Brenda
a copy of the STACK OF DOCUMENTS, with a Post-it on the top.

ED
Fax these to this number, okay?

BRENDA
All of 'em?

ED
All of them.

He continues into his office and closes the door.

CLOSE ON THE FAX MACHINE LED

Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up on
the LED: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

INT. IRVING HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Another copy of those DOCUMENTS, now in Donna's hands. She's
on her couch with Erin, reading them. Outside, Donna's two
daughters are playing in the pool. She reads the last page
and looks up at Erin, bewildered.

DONNA
An on-site monitoring well? That means --

ERIN
It was right up on the PG&E property over
there.

DONNA
And you say this stuff, this hexavalent
chromium -- it's poisonous?

ERIN
Yeah.

DONNA
Well -- then it's gotta be a different than
what's in our water, cause ours is okay.
The guys from PG&E told me. They sat right
in the kitchen and said it was fine.

ERIN
I know. But the toxicologist I been talking
to? He gave me a list of problems that can
come from hexavalent chromium exposure. And
everything you all have is on that list.

Donna resists this idea hard.

DONNA
No. Hunh-uh, see, that's not what the
doctor said. He said one's got absolutely
nothing to do with the other.

ERIN
Right, but -- didn't you say he was paid by
PG&E?

Donna sits quietly, trying to make sense of this. The only
sound is the LAUGHING and SPLASHING from the pool out back.
Then, gradually, Donna realizes what it is she's hearing --
her kids playing in toxic water. She jumps up ...

DONNA
ASHLEY! SHANNA!

... and runs out to the pool. Erin follows her.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin takes her family on a road trip to explore new places. While she goes off to take pictures, her kids play in the dirt and discover that it turns green. At various stops, Erin becomes increasingly worried about the water quality in their area, especially after learning about the dangers of hexavalent chromium.
Strengths "The scene is realistic and relatable, illustrating the concerns of a parent for their children's safety and well-being. The dialogue and interactions between the family members feel natural and believable."
Weaknesses "The scene is a bit slow-paced and may not hold the interest of viewers who are looking for more action or suspense. The conflict level and emotional impact are fairly low."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine whether this scene is part of a larger story, and therefore cannot provide a full screenplay critique. However, I can make some observations about the scene on its own.

Firstly, the pacing of the scene feels slow, especially the part where Erin is taking pictures of the plant from every angle. This could be condensed or made more visually interesting to keep the audience engaged.

Secondly, the dialogue feels a bit stilted and unnatural, particularly the way Erin speaks to her children. Consider making the conversation more realistic and fluid by adding more subtext and subplots.

Lastly, the final moment with Donna realizing her children are playing in toxic water feels like a significant turning point, but it might benefit from more buildup earlier in the scene to increase the emotional tension leading up to it.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from more action and conflict. One way to do this would be to have Erin and the kids encounter some resistance or difficulty on their trip, which could heighten the tension and make the scene more engaging for the audience. Additionally, the dialogue could be more concise and focused, with each character having a clear objective and motivation in the scene. This would help to streamline the action and keep the audience engaged in the story. Finally, the scene could benefit from a clearer and more specific sense of setting, which would help to ground the action and make it feel more cohesive and believable.



Scene 16 -  Negotiating with PG&E
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY

From the door, Erin watches Donna run to the edge of the pool
in a frantic response to this news.

DONNA
OUT OF THE POOL! BOTH OF YOU, OUT OF THE
POOL, RIGHT NOW!

SHANNA
How come?

DONNA
CAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY, NOW GET OUT!
OUT! NOW!!!

Erin watches compassionately as Donna flails to get her kids
out of the contaminated water.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

It's morning. Ed is checking the lie of his tie in his
reflection in the window. Erin is on his couch, high-heeled
legs stretched out in front of her.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

Jane is delivering paychecks. When Brenda gets to her desk,
Jane tips her head toward Ed's office, as if to say, check it
out. Brenda peers in and sees Erin.

BRENDA
What's she doing here?

JANE
He hired her back. With a raise.

BRENDA
What?? Why?

JANE
Well, let's see. It's not cause she's
smart, and it's not cause she's
professional. That leaves ...

Brenda's stunned. Takes a beat. Makes assumptions.

BRENDA
And dumb old me thought working hard and
being loyal was the way to get ahead.

INT. ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ed is still checking his reflection.

ED
I'm telling you, the minute Brenda sent the
fax -- I'm talking the second she pressed
that send button -- PG&E claims department
is on the phone to me, scheduling a meeting.

ERIN
So you think we got 'em scared?

ED
It sure as hell sounded like they were
sitting up and taking notice.

Brenda pops her head in, ignores Erin.

BRENDA
David Baum from PG&E is at reception.

Erin feels the chill Brenda's sending her way.
ERIN
Nice to see you again, too, Brenda.

Brenda leaves without acknowledging Erin.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Ed and Erin come out and see DAVID BAUM waiting at reception.
Forget law school, this kid looks like he's just out of
twelfth grade. Not a hair on his chin. His suit and shoes
look brand new.

ERIN
Not to question your judgment or anything,
Mr. Masry, but -- that doesn't exactly look
like sitting up and taking notice to me.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Ed and Erin are seated across the table from Baum. To say
this kid lacks authority is a gross understatement. He
doesn't talk; he squeaks.

BAUM
... in the interest of putting this whole
thing to rest, PG&E is willing to offer the
Irvings 250,000 dollars for their home.

Ed laughs a little in disbelief.

ED
250,000?

BAUM
In terms of land value out in Hinkley, Mr.
Masry, we feel it's a more than fair price.

ED
What about in terms of medical expenses?
250,000 doesn't come close to what this
family's gonna have to spend on doctors.

BAUM
I understand they've had a bad run of luck,
health-wise, and they have my sympathies.
But that's not PG&E's fault.

ED
You're kidding, right?
(Baum doesn't answer)
Look at these readings for Christ's sake.
PG&E's own technicians documented toxic
levels of hexavalent chromium in those test
wells, on numerous occasions.

Ed shoves them across the table. Baum doesn't look at them.

ED
Everything the Irvings have had is a proven
reaction to exposure to hexavalent chromium.
They've had ...

He stalls a moment. Erin jumps in.

ERIN
-- breast cysts, uterine cancer, Hodgkin's
disease, immune deficiencies, asthma,
chronic nosebleeds.

Despite their persuasiveness, Baum parrots what is obviously
the party line:

BAUM
A million things could have caused those
problems. Poor diet, bad genes,
irresponsible lifestyle. Our offer is final
and more than fair.

ED
Wait a minute -- I thought we were
negotiating here.

BAUM
250,000 is all I'm authorized to offer.

Ed looks across at this pissant little kid.

ED
(to himself)
Jesus Christ.
(he stands, to leave)
I will present your offer to my clients. I
doubt they'll accept it.

As Ed starts out:

BAUM
Mr. Masry, before you go off on some
crusade, you might want to remember who it
is you're dealing with here. PG&E is a 28-
billion dollar corporation.

ED
(containing his anger)
Thanks. I'll keep it in mind.

And Ed leaves the conference room. Erin follows him out.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Ed and Erin meet with David Baum from PG&E to discuss their offer of $250,000 for the Irvings' home. Despite evidence of toxic levels of hexavalent chromium causing medical issues for the family, Baum refuses to increase the offer.
Strengths "The scene builds tension as Ed and Erin negotiate with David Baum from PG&E, creating a sense of conflict as they struggle to reach an agreement. The characters each have strong personalities that come across in their dialogue and interactions."
Weaknesses "The emotional impact of the scene could be higher, and some viewers may find it slow-paced."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the story forward. However, there are a few places where the dialogue could be improved to make it more realistic or to add more depth to the characters.

In the first part of the scene at Donna's house, the dialogue feels a bit over-the-top and melodramatic. Donna's reaction to the contaminated water could be conveyed in a more subtle way, and the dialogue between her and Shanna could be more natural and realistic.

In the second part of the scene at Masry & Vititoe, the dialogue between Brenda and Jane feels a bit forced and stereotypical. The assumption that working hard and being loyal is not the way to get ahead is a tired trope, and it would be more interesting to see Brenda react to Erin's return in a more nuanced way.

The dialogue between Ed and Erin, on the other hand, is well-crafted and informative. We learn more about the case and the progress they're making against PG&E. However, the dialogue with David Baum could use some improvement. Baum comes across as a one-dimensional character without much agency or depth. It would be more interesting to see him push back against Ed and Erin or to have some kind of internal conflict.

Overall, the scene is effective in moving the story forward, but some of the dialogue could be improved to make it more realistic and nuanced.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more action: The scene consists mostly of dialogue. Adding action will make it more visually interesting. For example, when Erin is at Ed's office, she could be doing something, like looking at a file or typing on her laptop. This will make the scene more engaging for the audience.

2. Make the conflict more explicit: The conflict between Erin and Brenda is hinted at, but not clearly spelled out. Adding more tension between the two characters will make the scene more dramatic. For example, Brenda could make a snide comment to Erin, escalating the conflict.

3. Develop the character of David Baum: Baum is portrayed as a young, inexperienced representative of PG&E. Giving him more personality and agency will make the scene more dynamic. For example, he could make a power move against Ed, challenging him in a subtle way.

4. Use visual cues to convey emotion: Erin is described as watching Donna compassionately, but this is not conveyed through her dialogue or actions. Adding visual cues, such as a close-up of Erin's face or a shot of her touching her heart, will make her compassion more apparent to the audience.

5. Streamline the dialogue: Some of the dialogue in the scene feels repetitive or unnecessary. Trimming the dialogue to focus on the key points of the conversation will make it more impactful. For example, some of the back-and-forth between Ed and Baum could be condensed to make the negotiation more concise.



Scene 17 -  Negotiating and Investigating
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Erin follows Ed as he stomps back to his office.

ERIN
At least they made an offer.

ED
That wasn't an offer. A million would've
been an offer. When they send the God damn
mail clerk down to jerk me off, waste my
time, it's a fuck you.

ERIN
I don't get why they'd do that.

ED
Because they can. You heard that kid --
they have 28 billion dollars at their
disposal. They can afford to waste all the
time in the world.

ERIN
And you can't?

ED
What, you think I'm made of money?

Behind them, Baum steps out of the conference room.

BAUM
Hey, you know where I can get a cab? My
plane leaves Burbank in forty-five minutes.

Ed turns and looks at him. He gets a tiny smile.

ED
Tell you what, why don't you go on over to
reception, tell them I said Mario should
take you to the airport.

BAUM
Hey, excellent. Thanks.

Baum heads out to the reception area.

ERIN
Mr. Masry, Mario gets lost going to the
bathroom. They'll be driving around the
valley for hours.

ED
(gleeful)
Yeah. Isn't that a shame?

She watches him go into his office, impressed. Big smile.

ERIN
Well I'll be God damned.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE ED'S OFFICE - NIGHT

End of the day. Most everyone has left. Erin is at her new
work space near Ed's office. She's poring over a fat file of
documents. ROSALIND wanders by with her coat on.

ROSALIND
You've been reading for hours.

ERIN
I'm a slow reader, on account of the fact
that I look at the word "dog" and see "god".

ROSALIND
Hey, just so long as you see Him.

Rosalind turns on Erin's desk lamp and heads out.

Outside the big glass office doors, Rosalind stops to talk to
a lost-looking COUPLE IN THEIR MID-30's. These are MANDY and
TOM BROWN. He's a security guard uniform, with an envelope
under his arm. Rosalind points to Erin. The Browns enter
the office and approach her.

MANDY
Excuse me, are you Erin Brockovich?

ERIN
Yeah. Who are you?

TOM
I'm Tom Brown. This is my wife Mandy. We
used to live across the street from the
Irvings. PG&E bought our house last year.

INT. ERIN'S DESK - LATER

CLOSE ON photos of chickens, each with a twisted, limp neck.

TOM
It's called wry neck. It's when they're
born without any muscles in the neck.

WIDEN to see Erin looking at them with Tom and Mandy.

ERIN
Wow. How many were born like this?

TOM
Twelve, maybe thirteen.

MANDY
When Donna told us about you, and what you
told her about the chromium, we figured that
might have something to do with this, too.

ERIN
It sure could, yeah. Thanks a lot.

She tucks them into a file, as if that's it.

MANDY
There's something else, too.

ERIN
What?

TOM
Well. Mandy here's had nine miscarriages.

ERIN
Are you kidding? My God --

MANDY
I know. It's an awful lot.

ERIN
I'm surprised Donna didn't say anything.

TOM
She doesn't know. No one does. It's not
something you want to talk about, you know?

MANDY
I figured it musta been something I did,
like when I smoked marijuana, maybe. Or
took birth control pills. But then Donna
told me you thought this chromium might be
to blame for her problems, so I figured ...

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Matt and Katie are in bed, with the light off. Erin comes
in, quietly, in clothes from work.

ERIN
Hey. You guys still awake?

CLOSE ON MATT AND KATIE. They're awake and pissed.

ERIN
Come on, now. No faking. George told me he
just shut out the light a few seconds ago.

They still don't answer. She comes in and sits on a bed.

ERIN
Look, I know you're mad. But the way this
job is, things come up at the last minute,
real important things, and I gotta deal with
them. Now I don't like me missing dinner
any more than you do, but we're all gonna
have to get used to it, cause the fact is,
it's gonna happen sometimes.

KATIE
It happens all the time.

ERIN
That's not true; we had dinner together just
last night.

MATT
You were reading the whole time.

He's got a point there. Erin feels like shit.

ERIN
I'm sorry, pumpkins. I'll try a whole lot
harder to be around, okay? I promise.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT

The room is dark. Erin enters and flops down onto the bed,
exhausted. George is lying on the bed next to her.

GEORGE
If it's any consolation, I love you.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin and Ed discuss the low offer made by PG&E. Baum requests a cab and Ed gleefully arranges for him to have a hard time getting to the airport. Erin meets Tom and Mandy, who share their story of health problems and miscarriages, potentially caused by chromium. Erin struggles to balance work and family, apologizing to her children for missing dinner.
Strengths "The scene highlights the emotional struggle of balancing work and family, and the potential danger of chromium in the community. The dialogue is engaging and conveys character personalities well."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or escalation, and there is a disconnect between the beginning conversation about the PG&E offer and the rest of the scene."
Critique The scene is well-written and effectively conveys the frustration of the characters at the beginning. The dialogue is natural, and the interactions between the characters feel authentic.

However, the scene could benefit from more action and visual description to create a more immersive experience for the audience. For example, instead of simply stating that Baum "heads out to the reception area," the scene could show him physically leaving the room and walking across the office.

Additionally, the ending feels sudden and rushed. The transition from discussing the chickens to Mandy's miscarriages could be smoother, and the scene could benefit from a stronger conclusion instead of abruptly cutting to a new location and conversation.

Overall, the scene is well-written but could benefit from more visual description and a stronger conclusion.
Suggestions First, I would suggest adding more action in the scene to make it more visually interesting. Maybe Erin could be doing something while she talks to Ed, or Ed could be pacing as he talks.

Secondly, I would recommend strengthening the conflict between Ed and Erin regarding the offer. Right now it feels like they're both on the same page and just venting frustration, but adding a bit more tension and disagreement would make the scene more compelling.

Thirdly, continuing the conflict with Baum could add more tension and also give insight into Ed's character. We could see him being petty and vindictive towards this guy, which could hint at a flaw in his personality.

Finally, I would suggest streamlining the conversation with the Browns to make it more succinct and impactful. Right now it feels a bit scattered with the mentions of the chickens and the miscarriages, and it may be more effective to focus on one specific issue that drives home the impact of the chromium in the community.



Scene 18 -  Negotiation and Revelation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. ROUTE 10, INLAND EMPIRE - DAY

Dry, flat California. Ed's big old Mercedes is toodling down
the freeway, at an overly safe, almost-geriatric speed.
INT. ED'S MERCEDES - DAY

Frank Sinatra is playing on the stereo. Ed is swaying in
time. This is his kind of music. He smiles, looks at Erin.

ED
It's Sinatra's world, we just live in it.

Whatever. Erin glances at the speedometer. Oy. So slow.
His car phone rings. He picks it up.

ED
Hello? ...
(his voice softens)
Hi, babys. Baby's fine. Yes, I did. I
did, too, you just didn't feel it.

He starts swerving across the lane markers. THWACK THWACK
THWACK. Ed doesn't notice. Erin's getting nervous.

ED
You think I could leave without kissing my
babys? Okay, here you go.

He kisses into the phone. Swerves. A car barely misses
them. Erin's eyes widen. Not fun at all.

ED
Bye-bye ... bye-bye ... no, you. Okay,
together. Bye-bye.

He finally hangs up, smiling to himself. Erin clears her
throat.

ERIN
Um -- you mind pulling over? Just -- for a
second?

EXT. FREEWAY - DAY

The Mercedes pulls to a stop on the shoulder. Erin gets out,
walks around to the driver's side. Opens the door.

ERIN
First of all, don't talk baby talk to your
wife in front of me. It really undermines
your authority. And second, I know you're
my boss and all, but you are the worst
fucking driver I've ever seen. Move over or
I quit.

He moves over. She gets in, turns off the Sinatra. They
pull back out onto the freeway in silence.

EXT. MANDY BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The Mercedes and a truck are parked out front.

PETE (O.S.)
There's something about this whole thing I
don't quite understand, Mr. Masry.

INT. DONNA IRVING'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Donna and Pete Irving, and Mandy and Roy Brown are all
seated, sipping iced tea. While they talk, Erin hands them
all information packets on chromium. Ed is standing in front
of them, a little stiff.

PETE
If PG&E messed with our water, why would
they bother saying anything about it to us?
Why not just keep quiet about it?

ED
To establish a statute of limitations. See,
in a case like this, you only have a year
from the time you first learn about the
problem to file suit. So PG&E figures,
we'll let the cat out of the bag -- tell the
people the water's not perfect; if we can
ride out the year with no one suing, we'll
be in the clear forever.

DONNA
But it was more than a year ago that they
told us --

ED
It's okay. We're not suing. All we're
doing is using this information to get you
a real nice purchase price on your house,
and get you two --
(to the Browns)
-- a comparable retroactive bonus added to
your sale price. This way, and PG&E can
still look good to their shareholders, cause
they're not involved in an ugly lawsuit; all
they're doing is buying a little property.

Roy looks up from his retainer agreement.

ROY
It doesn't say here how much this whole
thing's gonna cost us.

ED
My fee's forty percent of whatever you get
awarded.

Erin watches them look around at each other, stunned by the
figure.

ERIN
Boy, do I know how you feel. First time I
heard that number, I said you got to be
kidding me. Forty God damn percent?

ED
Erin --

ERIN
I'm the one who's injured, and this joker
who sits at a desk all day is gonna walk
away with almost half my reward?

ED
Erin --

Erin's enjoying Ed's discomfort almost too much to stop. But
just almost. She shifts gears.

ERIN
Then I asked him how much he makes if I
didn't get anything.

They look at Ed. Well?

ED
Then I don't get anything either.

ERIN
And I realized, he's taking a chance too.

When they hear this, and realize he's in it with them, they
all reach for their pens and sign. They hand the agreements
over to Erin, who takes them across the room to Ed. He
stuffs them in his briefcase and closes it up. That's that.

ED
All right, then. Let's hit the road.

Boy. Cold as ice. Erin stares at him, stunned by his
brusque manner, then leans in to him, close.

ERIN
(whispering)
Mr. Masry, if you don't mind my saying, you
got a lot to learn about being friendly.
These people just hired you as their lawyer.
The least you could do is make a little
pleasant conversation.

She gives him a stern look, then turns toward the women.

ERIN
Donna, let me help you clean all this up.

She picks up a tray of iced tea and cookies and heads to the
kitchen. Donna and Mandy follow, leaving Ed alone with Pete
and Roy. He stands there, awkwardly. Then, finally:

ED
So, what's, uh ... what's new?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Masry’s team meets with Donna Irving, Pete Irving, and Mandy Brown to offer them compensation for their exposure to Chromium-6. Ed fails to gracefully tend to his clients while Erin takes care to soothe them and help with hospitality. Later, Erin teaches Ed to treat clients with warmth to make them feel valued.
Strengths "The scene highlights the contrasting approaches to lawyering taken by Erin and Ed, who is shown as inexperienced in handling clients, and showcases Erin\u2019s ability to connect emotionally with clients and offer counsel that meets their needs. The scene also reveals more about PG&E, their deceptive business practices, and their role in poisoning the drinking water with chromium-6."
Weaknesses "The scene feels somewhat slow and dialogue-heavy, with some of the information provided feeling more like exposition rather than natural conversation. The scene could benefit from more visual interest and pacing."
Critique The scene has some strengths but also has some weaknesses. The strength of the scene is that it manages to convey character traits and motivations through dialogue and actions rather than exposition. The audience can see that Ed is a bit of a reckless driver, and Erin isn't afraid to confront him about it. They can also see that Ed is a bit awkward in social situations, while Erin is more capable of putting people at ease.

However, the scene could be improved by adding more conflict and tension, especially since it deals with the topic of suing a corporation. This scene seems to wrap up too neatly and quickly. More clearly defined stakes or consequences of the lawsuit could make the audience more invested in what is happening. For example, a confrontation between Ed and the corporation's lawyers could add tension and raise the stakes.

Additionally, there could be more showing rather than telling. For example, instead of having Ed explain the legal process to the homeowners, they could have discovered the information packets on their own and asked Ed questions about what they mean. This would make it more engaging and the characters more active in the scene.

Lastly, it could benefit from some visual description to bring the location to life. Right now, it is described simply as "Dry, flat California" but more detailed descriptions could help set the tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Overall, the scene has its strengths but could benefit from more tension and active character involvement.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict to the interaction between Ed and Erin. Currently, their exchange feels a bit too easy and not very impactful. Introducing more tension between the two characters would make the scene more engaging and add depth to their relationship.

Additionally, there could be more emphasis on the legal aspect of the scene, as it is a pivotal moment in the story where the characters make a decision to pursue legal action. This could be done by emphasizing the risks associated with the legal process, and how it could potentially affect their lives.

Another suggestion would be to expand on the characters of Donna, Mandy, and Roy, and their reactions to the situation. This would give the audience more insight into how the issue is affecting them and why they have come to Ed for help. By developing these characters more fully, the scene would be more emotionally resonant and the audience would have a stronger investment in the outcome of the legal proceedings.



Scene 19 -  Investigating the Effects of Toxic Waste
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. DONNA'S KITCHEN - DAY

Erin and Donna are putting away the cleaned glasses. Mandy
is scanning the chromium pamphlet Erin gave her.

MANDY
You know that thing it says in here about
rashes?

ERIN
Uh-huh?

MANDY
Well, this old neighbor of mine, Bob Linwood
-- he ran the dairy on Community -- seemed
like someone in his family always had a rash
somewhere or other. I just figured it was
something in the genes. And you know how it
is -- you don't like to ask about things
like that ...

Erin listens, interested.

EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY, BARN - DAY

Another day. BOB LINWOOD, 40's and gruff, is in the barn,
tossing hay around.

ERIN (O.S.)
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Linwood?

He sees Erin picking her way toward him in her high-heels.
LINWOOD
Yeah?

ERIN
I'm Erin Brockovich. I work at the law firm
that represents your former neighbors the
Browns. They suggested I give you a call.

She steps in a cow patty. Laughs at herself good-naturedly.

ERIN
Boy howdy, did I ever wear the wrong shoes.

EXT. THE DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE ON A SIGN that reads: THE DESOTOS, hanging on the side
of a small, paint-chipped house. Erin is at the door talking
to MARY DESOTO, 65, who's wearing a big cross at her breast.

ERIN
... and Mr. Linwood seemed to think that
your husband had been sick as well.

MARY
Yes, Mr. DeSoto has lung cancer. Never
smoked a day in his life, neither.

INT. LAURA AND MIKE AMBROSINO'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin is talking to MIKE and LAURA AMBROSINO -- 30's. Solid,
family folks. But Laura's left brow and cheekbone look
swollen and misshapen, and she's trying to hide the fact that
she's in a lot of pain.

ERIN
Mrs. DeSoto said she wasn't sure exactly
what it was that you had --

PETE
She's not alone on that one.

LAURA
Well, they know what it is -- it's called
fibrous dysplasia --

PETE
The bones start growing again. Gives her
headaches like you wouldn't believe.

LAURA
-- they just don't know what caused it.
INT. RITA AND TED DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Erin is talking to TED AND RITA DANIELS. Their daughter
ANNABELLE, 10, is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.

ERIN
... then Mike Ambrosino remembered seeing
you folks at the hospital from time to time
too, so I thought I'd just stop by.
(to Annabelle)
You must be Annabelle.

ANNABELLE
Uh-huh.

ERIN
Whew, are you ever a beauty. I mean, you
must drive those boys crazy.

Annabelle smiles a little.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late night. George rolls over -- Erin's side of the bed is
empty. He checks the clock, then gets up and heads into:

INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - NIGHT

He peers around and spots her, sitting in the little kid's
chair in Matthew and Katie's room.

Erin is holding Beth, watching Matt and Katie sleep. Erin
hears the floor creak as George steps into the doorway.

ERIN
Tell me something, George. What kind of God
lets a beautiful little 10-year-old girl get
brain cancer? Isn't He supposed to be in
charge of stuff like that? Make sure it
doesn't happen?
(beat)
I swear, any other job, He'd be fired.

EXT. VALLEY SIDEWALK - DAY

Ed and Erin are walking down the street, take-out coffee cups
in their hands. Ed is sipping his, but Erin is in too much
of a lather to drink hers.

ED
Hunh-uh. Absolutely not.
ERIN
That's crazy -- why not?

ED
Because I said no. Look -- the only reason
PG&E's even talking to us is cause this is a
quiet little real estate dispute. We add
plaintiffs, and suddenly we're in the middle
of a toxic tort -- with a statute problem --
against a massive utility. No, thank you.

They go into their office building.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Erin and Ed are riding up.

ERIN
Okay, so here's what I'll do. I'll go on up
to Ted and Rita Daniels -- two of the nicest
people you'd ever hope to meet, who spend
every single day watching their little girl
fight like a dog against this cancer -- I'll
tell them we can't help them cause you don't
feel like working that hard.

ED
It's not about working hard --

ERIN
Bullshit.

ED
-- It's about being realistic. Something
like this, Erin -- it could take forever.
They're a huge corporation. They'd
completely bury us in paperwork. I'm just
one guy with a shitty little P.I. firm.

ERIN
-- who happens to know they poisoned people
and lied about it.

The doors open. Ed gets off. Erin follows.

INT. MASRY LAW OFFICE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Erin's dogging Ed down the hall, to the office.

ERIN
And this shit is bad news, Mr. Masry. Not
only does it attack every organ of the body,
it fucks with your DNA, too. That means
these people's genes, and the genes of their
kids, and the genes of their grandkids --

ED
I know how DNA works, Erin --

He gets to the Masry & Vititoe doors. Opens them.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin investigates various families that have been affected by toxic waste, trying to tie it back to PG&E, who has been covering it up for years.
Strengths "The scene effectively sets up the plot by introducing the fact that PG&E has been covering up the effects of toxic waste. The dialogue between Erin and the various families is emotional and engaging, effectively conveying the tragedy of their situations."
Weaknesses "The scene may come across as exposition-heavy at times, with Erin explaining the situation to the other characters and the audience."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I am not an expert on screenwriting, nor have I ever reviewed or produced a movie. However, here are some general comments on the scene:

- The scene is mostly dialogue-driven, with minimal description of the characters and setting. The lack of visual details can make the scene less engaging, and the reader may have a hard time picturing the characters and their environment.

- The dialogue is naturalistic and contains some humor and emotion, which adds depth and authenticity to the characters. However, the scene could benefit from more conflict or tension to create a sense of urgency or drama.

- The scene is a continuation of a larger story and assumes that the reader has some knowledge of the plot and characters. Therefore, it may not work well as a standalone scene or as an introduction to the story.

- The scene changes location and time frequently, which can make it feel disjointed and choppy. A smoother transition between scenes could help maintain the flow and coherence of the story.
Suggestions To improve this scene, here are some suggestions:

1. Add more conflict: Right now, the scene is mostly just Erin talking to different people and getting information. To make it more engaging, add some tension or disagreement between Erin and the people she's talking to. Maybe they're skeptical of her claims or hesitant to get involved in a lawsuit. Or maybe Erin and Ed have different ideas about how to proceed with the case.

2. Show, don't tell: There's a lot of exposition in this scene, with people describing their illnesses or symptoms to Erin. Instead, try to show these things visually or through actions. For example, instead of having Laura tell Erin about her headaches, we could see her wincing in pain or grabbing her head.

3. Use setting to create atmosphere: Right now, the scene jumps between different locations without much description or atmosphere. By adding more sensory details and descriptions of the surroundings, you can make each location feel distinct and add to the overall mood of the scene.

4. Develop character relationships: Erin is talking to a lot of different people in this scene, but we don't get a sense of who they are or what their relationships with Erin are. Try to add some small moments or interactions that give us a glimpse into these characters' personalities or histories.

5. Foreshadow future events: This scene is a bit disconnected from the rest of the story, so try to add some hints or foreshadowing of future events that will pay off later. For example, maybe Erin talks to a scientist who mentions a key piece of evidence, or she has a conversation with a potential ally who will play a bigger role later on.



Scene 20 -  Erin Gathers Evidence
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MASRY & VITITOE - DAY

Erin tails Ed back to his office.

ERIN
We can get these people. With a little
effort, I really think we can nail their
asses to the wall.

ED
Oh, you do? With all your legal expertise,
you believe that?

ERIN
Okay, fine. I don't know shit about shit.
But I know the difference --

He shuts his office door on her.

ERIN
-- BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG!

INT. ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed goes over to his desk, sits down. He sees a stack of
messages there, starts flipping through them. Then he stops.

ED
Damn it.

He shoves the messages aside and puts his head in his hands.
He sits like that for a moment, GROANS to himself. Then he
pushes himself up and heads over to his door.

When he opens it, he finds Erin still standing there, exactly
where he left her, arms crossed. She hasn't budged.

ED
How many families we talking about here?

ERIN
Four more. Eleven people. So far.
ED
You think there's more?

ERIN
Well -- I found one document at the water
board that had a toxic test well reading
from 1967. A hell of a lot of people have
lived on that land since then.

Ed pauses, groans again, realizing what decision he's making.

ED
This is a whole different ball game, Erin.
A much bigger deal.

ERIN
Kinda like David and what's-his-name?

ED
Kinda like David and what's-his-name's whole
fucking family.
(heavy sigh)
Okay, here's the deal -- if, and only if,
you find me the evidence to back all this up
-- I'll do it. I'll take it on.

She smiles victoriously.

ERIN
You're doing the right thing, Mr. Masry.

ED
Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that when I'm
filing for bankruptcy.

He heads back to his desk. Erin follows him into his office.

ERIN
Course, gathering evidence -- now, that's a
big job. A hell of a lot bigger than just
filing. I'm gonna be working a lot harder
now, taking on a lot more responsibility ...

He gives her a look. Knows what's coming.

ED
What now?

ERIN
Another raise wouldn't hurt. And with all
the time I'm gonna be spending on the road,
I'll probably be needing my own cel phone,
won't I?

INT. TOYS 'R' US - DAY

CLOSE ON A BEEPING CEL PHONE

as Erin tries to program numbers into its speed dial. WIDEN
to see she is reading from the phone's manual as she enters
Toys 'R' Us with George, Matthew, Katie and Beth.

ERIN
You each can pick out four things. But
nothing huge. Look at the price. Nothing
crazy.

Matthew and Katie fan out into the store. Erin keeps messing
with the phone.

GEORGE
You can buy 'em all the toys you want, but
come Monday, when you split again, they're
still gonna be pissed.

Erin looks over at him, weary.

ERIN
George, I am just trying to do something
nice for my kids on my one day off. Could
you please not give me a hard time about it?

GEORGE
One toy per kid is doing something nice.
Four is ... something else.

ERIN
Well, hell, I guess that's it, then, huh?
They're scarred for life. They're gonna
start holding up 7-11's any day now.

GEORGE
I'm just saying --

ERIN
(with intensity)
I know what you're saying, and I don't wanna
hear it. I am doing the best I can.

And she walks away from him.

EXT. HINKLEY, ROADSIDE DITCH - DAY

Erin, in high heels and miniskirt, is straddling a ditch,
scooping clumps of gunky moss from the ditch into plastic
containers. Over this:

ERIN (O.S.)
Dr. Frankel, it's Erin Brockovich. Tell me
something: if I wanna find as much evidence
of hexavalent chromium contamination as I
possibly can, what should I do?

As Erin labels the containers, her heels slide down the side
of the ditch, and she lands smack in it, knee-deep in gunk.

EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - NIGHT

Erin, now completely dirty, is climbing over a fence marked
"No Trespassing". Her arms are full of more containers.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
Well, what you have to remember is, if you
have hex chrom in the water, you have it in
anything that lived off the water.

She adds them to a growing collection of containers in the
trunk of her car.

EXT. HINKLEY, THE POOL BEHIND AN ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY

Another day. This time it's RAINING. Erin minces her way
down to the deep end of the pool in her spike heels.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
What I'd do is start a collection. Anything
that existed in water, on water, under water
...

She gets to the deep end and scoops up a Ziploc full of
rancid pool water and seals it.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
anything that had water flow over or under
it ...

Erin spots a few dead frogs in the water. She picks one up
by the leg, and seals it in a plastic bag as well.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin continues to push Ed to take on the case as she gathers evidence of contaminated water, going to extreme lengths to gather it.
Strengths "Great character development for Erin as she shows her dedication and passion for seeking justice. Strong dialogue throughout the scene."
Weaknesses "The conflict level and emotional impact could have been higher to create a more engaging scene."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and character dynamics. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

First, the scene lacks clear visual action or descriptions. The majority of the scene involves characters talking to each other in different locations, but there is little to no physical movement or action that could add to the visual interest of the scene. Adding some action, such as Erin struggling to climb over the fence or slipping into the ditch, could make the scene more engaging for viewers.

Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up in places. While Erin and Ed's banter is entertaining, some of their lines feel repetitive and could be condensed. For example, in the exchange where Erin pushes for a raise and her own cellphone, the point could be made more efficiently if they discussed it in one or two lines instead of four.

Finally, the ending of the scene feels abrupt and disconnected from the preceding actions. There is no clear resolution or transition from Erin collecting samples to her buying toys for her children. Without a stronger connection between the two moments, the scene loses some coherence and purpose. A clearer transition from Erin's investigative work to her personal life might help the scene feel more cohesive.
Suggestions In this scene, we see Erin convincing Ed to take on the case and then transitioning into her gathering evidence. Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Show more of Ed's initial reluctance to take on the case and Erin's persistence in convincing him. This can create more tension and make the victory of getting him to commit to the case more satisfying.
2. Instead of having Erin follow Ed back to his office, have the conversation happen in his office. This removes the unnecessary movement and makes the scene more efficient.
3. Show more of Erin's investigation process and the obstacles she faces. This can add more depth to her character and make the case feel more challenging.
4. Consider adding more dialogue between Erin and Ed about the potential consequences of taking on the case. This can add more weight to the decision and make it feel more impactful.
5. Instead of having Erin go to Toys 'R' Us with her kids, consider having a scene where she talks to one of the affected families and sees the impact of the contamination firsthand. This can create more emotional resonance and make the stakes feel higher.
6. Show more of the toll that the investigation takes on Erin. This can make her character feel more human and add more tension to the story.



Scene 21 -  Erin Investigates and Defends
  • Overall: 8.7
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. WELL - DAY

With a sample cup held in her teeth, Erin hauls herself up
over the well's concrete wall, then, with her back against
one side of the well and her feet against the other, starts
shimmying down the well.
FRANKEL (O.S.)
anything that had water pass through it ...

INSIDE THE WELL

she winces at the algae and gook that's clinging to her as
she descends to the water level. When she's low enough, she
takes the sample cup from her teeth and scoops up the water.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY

Erin's at her desk, bending over her notebook in a miniskirt,
adding reports to the TOXICOLOGY binder.

FRANKEL (O.S.)
... collect 'em, label 'em, then bring 'em
to me. I'll analyze 'em, see what we got.

ON THE REPORTS: We catch a few words: "water sample A ...",
"soil sample D ...", "frog sample A ...", "... traces of
hexavalent ..."

Brenda looks at Erin and sees her hem rising in the back.

BRENDA
For God's sake, Erin, I can see your
panties.

Erin turns to Brenda, relishing the chance to irritate her.

ERIN
Liar. I'm not wearing any.

Ed, in his office, laughs. He's starting to like this gal.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

It's a hot night. George is playing on the floor with the
kids. Erin is behind them on the couch, laboriously reading
a book labeled, simply, CHROMIUM. The phone RINGS. Erin
picks it up.

ERIN
Hello?

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Is this the Erin Pattee Brockovich that's
been snooping around the water board?

His voice is flat, creepy. Not friendly.

ERIN
Yes. Who's this?

CLICK. Erin stares at the phone, freaked.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

George watches Erin double-checking the locks on the door.

ERIN
I'm not gonna quit cause of one creepy phone
call, George.

GEORGE
Come on, Erin. A job's supposed to pay your
bills, not put you in danger.

ERIN
I'm not in danger. I have a dead bolt.
Remember?

She goes to the living room, double-checks the window locks
in there. George follows.

GEORGE
Look, don't take this the wrong way, but
don't you think you might be out of your
league here?

ERIN
No, see -- that's exactly what those
arrogant PG&E fucks want me to think -- that
because they got all this money and power,
we don't stand a chance in hell against
them. But you know what? They're wrong.

She heads into the bedrooms.

GEORGE
It doesn't have to be this complicated,
Erin. There's a lot of jobs out there.

ERIN
(off-hand)
How would you know?

George reacts, a little stung. He follows her into:

INT. MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Matt and Katie are asleep. Erin is checking their windows.
George comes in. They whisper.
GEORGE
You mind telling me what that's supposed to
mean?

ERIN
Nothing.

GEORGE
If you got a problem with me taking care of
your kids instead of getting some job, just
say so.

ERIN
I didn't say that.

GEORGE
Cause I can get a job. I will. And you can
start leaving the kids with the chicken fat
lady again. Would that make you happy?

ERIN
Keep your voice down.

GEORGE
I know what they can sleep through, Erin. I
probably know it better than you.

She gives him a glare, then leaves the room.

INT. WATER BOARD - DAY

Erin is reaching up to a high shelf for a dusty old box of
files. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ross passing.

ERIN
Hey, Ross. Tell me something. Does PG&E
pay you to cover their ass, or do you just
do it out of the kindness of your heart?

ROSS
(a bad liar)
I don't know what you're talking about.

ERIN
The fuck you don't. No one calls me Pattee.
That heavy-breathing sicko that called the
other night could've only found out about me
from you.
(beat)
People are dying, Ross. You got document
after document here, right under your nose,
that says why, and you haven't said word one
about it. I wanna know how the hell you
sleep at night.

Ross is speechless. He just stands there. Erin drags the
box to the floor and goes to work.

EXT. WATER BOARD - NIGHT

Erin's car is parked in front. A DIRTY OLD PICK-UP comes
rumbling up the road. When its lights hit Erin's car, it
slows, then pulls over. The driver flicks on his BRIGHTS to
get a better look at the car. The truck sits there for a
bit, a dark presence. Then, as the headlights of another car
appear down the road, the truck goes back in gear, pulls out
and drives off.

INT. ERIN'S HYUNDAI - NIGHT

A pile of documents is strapped into the passenger seat. An
empty coffee cup rolls around the floor. Erin's driving,
exhausted. She yawns as she dials her phone.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hello?
Genres: ["drama","thriller"]

Summary Erin collects water samples, receives a creepy phone call, and confronts a co-worker about covering for PG&E. She also defends her decision to pursue the case to her partner, George.
Strengths "Strong character development for Erin and her relationships with other characters. High tension and conflict throughout the scene."
Weaknesses "Limited character development for other characters besides Erin. The dialogue between Erin and Ross could have been more impactful."
Critique Overall, the scene has some good elements, but there are a few areas that could be improved. Here are some specific critiques:

1. The beginning of the scene, with Erin collecting a water sample, feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the action. While it's important to show her doing her job, it could be tied more closely to the rest of the scene, perhaps by showing her discovering something significant in the sample.

2. The dialogue between Erin and Brenda about Erin's panties is unnecessary and distracting. It feels like the scene is trying to insert humor, but it doesn't quite work and takes away from the more important plot points.

3. The phone call from the creepy male voice feels cliche and could be made more interesting by providing more context or clues as to who the caller might be.

4. The argument between Erin and George about her job feels formulaic. It would be more compelling to explore their relationship further and provide more backstory for why George is concerned about Erin's safety and job choices.

5. The scene ends somewhat abruptly with Erin making a phone call to George, which doesn't provide much of a resolution or cliffhanger for the audience.

Overall, the scene has potential, but could benefit from more character development and tighter plotting.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description to the setting: Describe the well, the water level, and the surroundings in detail. This will give the audience a better understanding of the scene and make it more visually interesting.

2. Focus on Erin's emotions: As she descends into the well and collects the water sample, show her reactions in more detail. Is she nervous or confident? Is she disgusted or determined? This will help the audience connect with her character.

3. Avoid unnecessary dialogue: The conversation between Erin and Brenda about her panties feels forced and doesn't add anything to the scene. Consider cutting this part or replacing it with a more meaningful conversation.

4. Show, don't tell: Rather than relying on the reports to reveal information about the water samples, try to find a more visual way to convey this information (e.g. a visual representation of the samples or a conversation between Erin and Frankel).

5. Build tension: The phone call from the unknown male voice is a good way to build tension, but it could be made even more suspenseful by adding more details about the caller's intentions and making it more sinister.

6. Increase the stakes: Make it clearer why Erin is so invested in this case. Is it because she feels a personal connection to the victims, or because she wants to prove something to herself or others? By making the stakes higher, the audience will be more invested in the outcome of the story.



Scene 22 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INTERCUT between Erin in her car, and George in bed.

ERIN
I'm so tired I'm about to drive off the
road. Keep me awake, willya?

GEORGE
What do you want, a joke?

ERIN
No, no jokes, I gotta pee. Just tell me
about your day. What went on back there?

GEORGE
Well, come to think of it, we did have a big
event around here. Beth started talking.

ERIN
What?
(beat)
Beth? My Beth?

GEORGE
Yeah. We were sitting around at lunch and
she pointed at a ball and said, "ball."

Erin says nothing, just stares out at the empty highway,
feeling all hollowed-out.

GEORGE
I'd never seen that before -- someone's
first word. Pretty intense.

Erin just nods. Keeps staring straight ahead as a tear rolls
down her cheek.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S AREA - DAY

CLOSE ON SOME FILES as Erin hands them to Ed. As he takes
them from her, he notices a crematory urn on Erin's desk.

ED
Is that what I think it is?

ERIN
She lived on the plume. You never know.

Ed laughs and hands the documents to Brenda without looking
at her. She grumpily takes them over to the fax machine.

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED as Brenda types in the number. The
recipient's name comes up again: PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

EXT. HINKLEY BARBECUE - DAY

Open pits, pony rides, watermelon. George is watching Katie
and Matt being led around on ponies, an activity that stopped
being fun hours ago. Now they're just hot and tired.

BY THE BARBECUE, Ed is talking to an OLDER COUPLE as they
sign retainer agreements.

ELSEWHERE, Erin, holding Beth, is looking at pictures of a
swimming pool with FIVE OTHER WOMEN. The water is green.

ERIN
This was the community pool?

WOMAN 1
Yeah, that PG&E built. The whole time we
thought it was algae that made it so green.

LATER ...

Erin's trunk is open. She and Ed are clipping new clusters
of retainer agreements into the "PLAINTIFFS" binder.

LATER STILL ...
Erin and Ed are passing out informational pamphlets. She
sticks one in a hand before noticing that it's George's.

GEORGE
I'm bored, and so are the kids.

ERIN
Just a few more minutes, then we can go.
(as he heads off)
Take her, will you?

George drops the pamphlet and takes Beth from Erin. He heads
over to Matt and Katie, sitting glumly on a log.

As he steps away, a hand reaches down and grabs the flier he
dropped. It belongs to a MAN IN A BLACK JACKET. He's in his
50's, strong and sinewy. Military-style dark glasses obscure
his eyes. He scans the pamphlet, then watches Erin working
the crowd. Watches her carefully. He slides the pamphlet
into his inside pocket, and heads back his car -- the DIRTY
OLD PICK-UP TRUCK that idled in front of the Water Board.

LATER STILL ...

Erin is heading over to George and the kids, ready to leave,
when Donna comes up to her, with A MIDDLE-AGED MAN in tow.

DONNA
Erin, this here's Frank Melendez. He works
over at the compressor station --

Erin stops in her tracks, very interested.

LATER STILL ...

Erin and Frank are on a bench, talking. Out of the corner of
her eye, she sees her car drive off. George's hand sticks
out the driver's side and flips her the bird. She watches
him disappear, then, hiding her rage, turns back to Frank.

ERIN
I'm sorry. What were you saying?

LATER ...

The barbecue is winding down. Ed is heading for his
Mercedes. Erin storms up beside him, mad as all get-out.

ERIN
I need a ride.

INT. ED'S CAR - DAY
Ed is driving. He glances over at Erin, fuming in the
passenger seat. After a beat:

ED
You wanna talk about --

ERIN
No.

Another beat. Then Erin's cel phone rings. She digs into
her bag, pulling it out as fast as she can. Answers.

ERIN
What, asshole?

There's a pause. Then Mike Ambrosino's voice comes over the
line, very strained:

MIKE AMBROSINO (O.S.)
Um, Erin? This is Mike. Ambrosino.

EXT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, FOYER - DAY

The curtains are drawn; everything is dark. Ed and Erin are
at the door, talking to Mike, who looks drawn and tired.

MIKE
She was about to take a handful of these --

He shows them a bottle of prescription pills.

MIKE
It's a morphine thing -- for pain --

Erin nods, then leaves Ed with Mike and heads toward:
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique The scene lacks specificity and stakes. There is no clear goal for the characters. The dialogue is somewhat stagnant and the description is minimal. There is not enough visual action or emphasis on what is truly important in the scene. In terms of character, there is room to flesh them out more and add depth to their reactions and motivations. It is important to ground the scene in a more urgent and emotionally impactful situation to grab the audience's attention.
Suggestions 1. Add more conflict and tension to the scene with Erin and George in the car. Maybe have them argue about something or introduce an obstacle that they have to overcome together. This will make their bond stronger and show how they work together to overcome challenges.

2. Consider more visual storytelling in the scene with Erin and George. Perhaps show some driving shots, or close-ups of their faces, to add more emotion and tension to the scene.

3. Add more character development for Erin. Show more of her grieving process and the toll it's taking on her. Maybe have her react more strongly to the news about Beth's first word or have her breakdown after the phone call with Mike.

4. Introduce more subplots and characters to the scene. Perhaps have Erin interact with more people at the barbecue or have a new person approach her about the case. This will add more layers to the story and keep the audience engaged.

5. Consider using some symbolism or imagery in the scene. For example, the green swimming pool could be a metaphor for the toxic environment the characters are dealing with. By using visual cues, the scene will be more memorable and impactful.



Scene 23 -  Laura's Pain
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. AMBROSINOS' HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY

Erin opens the door. Very dark, very quiet. Laura is lying
in bed. Erin goes over to her. They speak in whispers.

LAURA
I'm embarrassed.

ERIN
That's okay. I understand.

LAURA
It's just -- the pain. It's only getting
worse. I can't be a good wife. I can't be
a good mother.
ERIN
I'm real sorry, Laura.

Erin sits down on the chair next to the bed. Takes a beat.

LAURA
Know what I always thought I wanted outta
life, Erin? A Jaguar.

ERIN
Jaguar's a darn pretty car.

LAURA
I thought if I could spend that kinda money
on a car, it'd mean everything else was
fine.
(beat)
I don't even know how much they cost.

ERIN
A lot. But you hang in there, maybe you'll
get one.

Laura shakes her head.

LAURA
Wouldn't mean the same thing.

Erin watches her sadly.

INT. PG&E COMPRESSOR STATION - DAY

A LOUD, industrial plant. Erin and Frank Melendez walk
through, him in coveralls, her in a teensy sun dress. Both
in hard-hats. He's giving her a tour.

EXT. NORTHRIDGE STREET - DAY

George, in his leather and denim, is walking down the
sidewalk. As we WIDEN, we see he's pushing a PINK STROLLER.
He stops at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change.

In the stroller, Beth starts to whine. George reaches in his
pocket, finds her pacifier. As he's leaning down to give it
to her, he hears a RUMBLE coming down the street behind him.
The roar grows. He stands, looks. A GROUP OF ABOUT TEN
BIKERS has pulled up next to him. He looks at them. They
look at him, then at the stroller. George feels ridiculous.

When the light changes, the bikers REV LOUDLY and pull out.
George just stands there and watches them go.
INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT

His office is all about Hinkley. A map of the plume area and
a diagram of the plant cover one wall; photos of the plant
cover the credenza; piles of documents litter every surface;

Erin is up at the map, eating Chinese food.

ERIN
They used the hex chrom here, in these
cooling tanks, as an anti-corrosive. Then
they dumped it here, in these six ponds.

ED
I don't remember seeing any ponds up there.

She bites into a forkful of food, keeps talking.

ERIN
They covered 'em over. And not too
carefully either, cause you dig one inch
under the surface, and the dirt is green as
a fucking shamrock.

ED
And that's what caused the contamination?

ERIN
It didn't help, but no. The real problem's
on the bottom.

She reaches for a document, reads from it.

ERIN
See, according to this, they were supposed
to line the ponds so this shit couldn't seep
into the ground. But guess what --

ED
They skipped that step.

ERIN
I guess it was a little too inconvenient.
So for fourteen years, this stuff flowed
into the groundwater, free as you please.

ED
Jesus.
(beat)
I don't even wanna ask what you did to make
this Melendez guy talk.
In response to the insinuation, Erin gives him a glare.

ERIN
For your information, Frank cares what was
in those ponds 'cause he used to spend half
his day wading around them. That was his
job.

ED
No shit.

ERIN
No --

Suddenly, her eyes pop out of her head --

ERIN
SHIT! SHIT! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Tears spring to her eyes. She fans furiously at her mouth.
Ed finds the tequila from the client and hands it to her.
She takes a swig. There's a nanosecond of relief ... until
the tequila hits. Her eyes redden. She spews and gasps.

ERIN
You ... asshole ...

Ed chuckles.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin comforts a sick Laura in her bedroom, while Laura expresses her frustration about being unable to function as a wife and mother. Erin takes Laura through her life goals as a way to encourage her, but Laura admits that none of it matters since a luxury car she always wanted wouldn't mean anything to her now.
Strengths "The conversation between Erin and Laura is intimate and emotionally charged, showing the deep compassion and care Erin has for her client. The dialogue feels natural and realistic, making the situation more relatable."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat slow-moving and not as action-packed as other parts of the film. The pacing may not appeal to those looking for a faster-paced narrative."
Critique Overall, the scene creates a sense of contrast between the personal struggles of Laura and the legal work of Erin. However, the dialogue feels sparse and lacks depth, as well as emotion. The conversation between Erin and Laura feels stilted and unnatural, and the mention of the Jaguar car doesn't contribute much to the scene.
The scene with George and the bikers seems out of place and doesn't add much to the story.
The dialogue between Erin and Ed in the law office is more engaging, but the sudden outburst from Erin feels forced and doesn't flow well with the rest of the scene.

Overall, the scene needs more character development and emotional depth in order to feel more impactful and engaging.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could use some more action and tension. It feels like a lot of talking without much happening. Here are some suggestions:

- Start the scene with Laura in obvious pain. She could be holding her stomach or wincing. This would immediately create more urgency and draw the audience in.
- Instead of Erin sitting down, have her doing something to help Laura - maybe she massages her shoulders or brings her a glass of water. This would give Erin more agency and show her compassion.
- The scene with George could use more conflict. Maybe one of the bikers gets aggressive with him or tries to take the stroller. This would increase the stakes and create more tension.
- In the Masry & Vititoe scene, have Erin and Ed actively investigating or strategizing. Maybe they're looking at a document that could help their case, or arguing over the best way to approach their next move. This would give the scene more purpose and show the characters taking action.
- Consider tightening up the dialogue overall - some of it feels a bit meandering or repetitive.



Scene 24 -  Late-Night Working & Office Party
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - LATER

The tequila's been dipped into. Ed and Erin are each lying
on a couch, staring at documents. Late-night working.

ED
Erin -- lemme tell you something. If I'da
put three researchers on this, I wouldn't
expect them to dig up all the information
you got here. This is some damn good work.

ERIN
Yeah? Then gimme another raise.

ED
Hey, I got a staff to pay, plus rent, plus I
haven't billed a minute of my time since I
started on this case, so you can quit
hitting me up like I'm rich or something.

He gets up, grabs his trash can, and moves around the room
with it, cleaning up all the Chinese food cartons.
ERIN
Don't give me that. You're gonna get plenty
rich off of this, Mr. 40 percent. We got
those PG&E fuckers by the balls here.

ED
We've got the PG&E fuckers in Hinkley by the
balls. But nobody's getting rich unless we
can pin this on the corporate PG&E fuckers
in San Francisco.

ERIN
What do you mean?

ED
PG&E corporate is claiming they had no way
of knowing what was going on in Hinkley.

ERIN
Oh, they knew. They had to know.

ED
Show me the document that proves that.

She doesn't have one.

ED
Then they didn't know. And if they didn't
know, we can't hit 'em for punitive damages.
And punitive damages is where the money is.

ERIN
Jesus Christ, Ed -- you know, the more I
work on this thing, the more I realize what
a crock of shit this legal system is. Here
we got a company that poisoned a whole
aquifer -- that built a pool for a town,
then filled it with toxic water -- and we're
the ones who've gotta bust our ass proving
things? That's just not right.

Beat. Ed smiles.


ED
I like this case.

ERIN
Really? It makes me sick.

ED
Me too. That's why I like it. It's been a
long time since I had a case I cared about.

ERIN
You didn't care about my case?

ED
I would now.

He gives her a long look.

ED
Hey. I like working with you.

ERIN
Well, good, Ed. I like working with you
too.

They both smile a little awkwardly. Take a beat. Then:

ED
When'd you start calling me Ed?

INT. MASRY & VITITOE - NIGHT

The Christmas party. The office is decorated; someone is
Santa. Erin and George enter, all dressed up.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin's giving George a guided tour. As they head down the
hall, every desk is decorated and has a present on it

GEORGE
I'm just saying -- we have one night to
ourselves, why do we have to spend it here?

ERIN
Cause it's my office party. If you had an
office, I'd go to your party.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - NIGHT

It's dark. The door to Erin's area opens.

ERIN
And here, ta-daa, is my desk.

She flicks on the lights. Brenda's desk is decorated and as
a present on it. Erin's is empty.

GEORGE
Which one?
(it's obvious)
Maybe they didn't think you were coming.

Erin shakes her head. She's surprised by how hurt she is.

ERIN
(quietly)
God damn. I work so hard. The least they
could do ...

George looks over at her, sees her eyes glisten a little. He
goes over to her, wraps his arms around her.

GEORGE
Hey. Fuck 'em, babe. Who needs 'em, huh?

He kisses her. She leans into him. He kisses her some more.

GEORGE
(quietly)
See? All we need is each other.

She kisses back. She's gonna let him take care of her. Some
more kisses, heating up. He slides her onto her empty desk.

GEORGE
Good thing there isn't a present there, huh?
That mighta hurt.

She laughs a little. He slides his hands up her skirt. She
pulls him into her, tugging his shirt out of his pants.

INT. MASRY OFFICES, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Ed is coming down the hall with his wife, JOEY. Joey is much
younger than Ed, and very pretty.

ED
I'll show you what we did back here --

INT. ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT

Erin and George, in a rapidly-heating-up clinch on her desk,
hear the voices. Erin pulls away.

ERIN
That's Ed.

GEORGE
Lock the door.
ERIN
No, I wanna say hi.

He pulls her back into him, not wanting to move.

GEORGE
We'll say hi later. Lock it.

But Erin pulls away ...

ERIN
Come on, George, it's a party.

He watches her straighten her dress and take a step away from
him. It's just one step, but it feels a hell a lot farther.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ed and Erin work late at their office, discussing their work on a case involving PG&E. As they prepare for the office Christmas party, Erin's date George joins her, but their plans are derailed when Ed and his wife show up unexpectedly.
Strengths "The dialogue between Ed and Erin is witty and engaging, showcasing their dynamic well. The office Christmas party scene adds a new layer to the professional relationship between Ed and Erin, and the tension between Erin and George due to the unexpected arrival of Ed and his wife raises the stakes."
Weaknesses "The scene feels slightly disconnected from the overall plot of the film, as it does not directly relate to the legal case involving PG&E that is the main focus of the screenplay."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and has good dialogue that feels authentic to the characters. However, there are a few points for improvement:

1. The scene starts off abruptly. It's not clear how much time has passed since the previous scene or what is going on until the dialogue starts. It could benefit from a brief establishing shot or a line of description to set the scene.

2. The dialogue between Ed and Erin is well-written and engaging, but the action of Ed cleaning up the Chinese food cartons around the room feels like filler. It doesn't add anything to the scene and could be cut without affecting the dialogue.

3. The transition to the Christmas party scene feels abrupt. It's not clear how much time has passed or why Erin and George are suddenly dressed up for a party. Some setting up of the next scene would help the reader follow the story more easily.

4. The dialogue between Erin and George at her desk feels a little cliché. The "all we need is each other" line is a bit cheesy and the kiss that follows feels like a quick fix for the emotional beat of Erin feeling hurt by her coworkers. The scene could benefit from more development of Erin and George's relationship to make their intimacy more meaningful.

5. The final moment with Erin taking a step away from George feels like an artificial attempt to create tension. It's not clear why she would suddenly distance herself from him after they were so intimate moments before. A more organic source of conflict would help this moment feel earned rather than forced.
Suggestions One way to improve this scene is to create more tension between Ed and Erin's relationship. This scene could benefit from more conflict between the two characters, as their relationship seems too amicable. Perhaps Ed could be more resistant to Erin's ideas, causing friction between them and giving the audience something to invest in emotionally. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more action and less dialogue, as there is a lot of talking with little visual stimulation. Adding some physicality to the scene could keep the audience engaged and add to the overall dynamics of the relationship between the two characters.



Scene 25 -  PG&E claims department visit
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER

Erin and Ed are at the reception desk, talking and laughing.

NEARBY, Joey and George are standing together, awkwardly.

JOEY
Your wife's real pretty.

GEORGE
She's not my wife.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATT AND KATIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Matthew lies awake in his bed, listening to George and Erin
fight.

GEORGE (O.S.)
It wouldn't kill you to talk about
something other than yourself and your own
fucking job once in a while --

ERIN (O.S.)
What do you want to talk about instead?
Your day? That's a fascinating subject.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin and George are fighting while they get ready for bed.

GEORGE
Fuck you. Just cause I don't spend all day
trying to prove what hot shit I am --

ERIN
That is not what I'm --
GEORGE
Bullshit, Erin. Bullshit.

The fight is interrupted by the sound of BETH CRYING.

ERIN
Great. Excellent. Thank you very much.

She leaves the room.

INT. BETH'S ROOM - NIGHT

Beth is wailing in her crib. Erin comes in in her nightshirt
and lifts Beth out. Then, more to herself than to Beth:

ERIN
It's okay, baby. It'll be okay.

She runs her hand over Beth's head, then slides down the wall
and crumples onto the floor. As she curls around Beth, Erin
starts to COUGH. Deep, raspy coughs from way down low.

EXT. PG&E STATION - NIGHT

Late, late at night. The plant is silent. The property
seems empty, until we notice Pete Irving standing alone
inside the gates, staring up at the station.

After a beat, he picks up a rock and hurls it at the plant.
It misses. Not that it would do anything if it hit. He
reaches for another, throws it. Then another, and another.
He hurls rock after rock at the gigantic plant. Then,
overwhelmed by his impotence, he lets out a TERRIFYING YELL.

INT. IRVINGS' HOUSE, DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY

Donna's sitting quietly in bed. Erin is sitting on the edge
of the bed.

DONNA
I'd got so used to having 'em come up
benign, I guess I just didn't expect it.

She looks down her shirt front.

DONNA
Sure wish I had longer to get used to the
idea.
(beat)
You think if you got no uterus, and no
breasts, you're still technically a woman?
ERIN
Sure you are. You're just a happier woman,
cause you don't have to deal with maxi-pads
and underwire.

Donna smiles a little. Then her face crumbles.

DONNA
We're gonna get them, aren't we, Erin? You
gotta promise me we're gonna get them.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, DAY

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED

as DOCUMENTS are faxed once again to the PG&E CLAIMS DEPT.

THEN AGAIN, on another day.

AND AGAIN, on another day.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is once again checking the lie of his tie in a window.
Erin is popping some aspirin, trying to kill a headache that
has brought with it a healthy dose of intolerance.

ERIN
If they've sent that little shmuck Baum
again, I'm gonna be real pissed off.

ED
From their tone of voice on the phone, I'd
say they're taking us more seriously.

ERIN
Yeah, I heard that one before.

Brenda leans her head in.

BRENDA
Mr. Sanchez, Mr. Webster, Mr. Buda, and Ms.
Cooper, from PG&E are here.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Talk about moving up the food chain. MS. SANCHEZ, MR.
WEBSTER, MR. BUDA, and MR. COOPER mill slowly about the
reception area like sharks. They all ooze importance.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, OUTSIDE OF ED'S OFFICE - DAY
Erin, Ed and Brenda are staring out at them.

ERIN
Jesus. They look like the Secret Service.

ED
They're trying to intimidate us.
(then, to Brenda)
Tell them to wait in the conference room.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Sanchez, Webster, Buda, and Cooper are seated.

The door opens and Ed enters, legal pad under his arm.
Followed by Erin, legal pad under her arm. Followed by Anna
(looking professional in Brenda's suit coat), legal pad under
her arm. Followed by Mario (in a suit produced from who
knows where), legal pad under his arm. If you didn't know
better, you'd assume it was a team of lawyers as well.

ED
Counselors --

MR. SANCHEZ
Counselors.

Ed and Erin sit down and get to work. Mario and Anna,
clearly told to just follow along, sit down a moment later.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Representatives from PG&E arrive for a meeting to discuss the ongoing claim against the company. Erin, Ed, Anna and Mario attend the meeting with the representatives.
Strengths "The rival attorneys present provide an interesting dynamic and add to the tension of the scene. The dialogue is engaging and moves the plot forward."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks any significant climactic moment or resolution and is rather mundane."
Critique The scene provides good conflict, as we see the tension between George and Erin. However, the dialogue could be more concise and impactful. The lines feel repetitive and could benefit from being trimmed down. Additionally, the transition between scenes feels abrupt and could use more fluidity. It's also unclear how this scene contributes to the overall plot or character development. Overall, this scene could benefit from more focused dialogue and a clearer purpose in the story.
Suggestions 1. The scene feels disjointed and could benefit from better transitions between locations and conversations. Consider adding specific actions or reactions that bridge the gaps between scenes.

2. The dialogue between Erin and Ed at the beginning could benefit from more purposeful dialogue that drives the plot forward or establishes character traits.

3. The fight between Erin and George could benefit from clearer stakes and motivations, and could also use more vivid language and imagery to make it more engaging and memorable.

4. The scene with Donna could benefit from more depth and specificity, particularly in how it explores her emotions and experiences.

5. The scene at Masry & Vititoe could benefit from more tension and conflict, as well as more clear-cut objectives and motivations for both sides. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual cues and specific actions to show how the characters are feeling and reacting to each other.



Scene 26 -  Erin's Terrifying Experience on the Road
  • Overall: 9.2
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

Mario and Anna are sitting mutely in their seats beside Ed
and Erin, firing blank looks across the table.

SANCHEZ
Let's be honest, here. Two million dollars
is more money than these people have ever
dreamed of.

Erin has no patience for this today.

ERIN
Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of
all -- we got more'n a hundred plaintiffs.
They may not be sophisticated, but they do
know how to divide, and two million dollars
isn't shit when it's split between them.

Mario and Anna exchange a look. This is getting interesting.
ED
Erin --

But there's no stopping her.

ERIN
And second of all -- these people don't
dream about being rich. They dream about
being able to watch their kids swim in a
pool without worrying they'll have to have a
hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a
client of ours -- or have their spine
deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client
of ours. So before you come back here with
another lame-ass offer, I want you to think
real hard about what your spine is worth,
Mr. Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to
pay you for your uterus, Miss Sanchez --
then you take out your calculator and
multiply that number by a hundred. Anything
less than that is a waste of our time.

And she gets up and storms out of the meeting.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, COFFEE AREA - DAY

Erin drinks a big swig of coffee and pops a few more aspirin.
Beyond her, the PG&E lawyers are filing out of the office.
Anna wanders over to Erin, a little uncomfortable.

ANNA
Um, Erin?
(Erin turns)
Listen. Even though you're not necessarily
my favorite person in the world ...
(beat)
... sometimes you're not half-bad.

ERIN
I'm gonna assume that was meant as a
compliment, Anna, and just say thank you.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - NIGHT

Erin's at her desk, which is completely buried in documents
and files. She's visibly exhausted, struggling to focus on
the page, and COUGHING while she works. Ed calls to her.

ED
Hey. A new plaintiff called, wants to meet
you. I told him we'd be out there Thursday.
ERIN
D'you get his name?
(no answer)
Course not. Jesus, Ed --

ED
He said he'd be at the gas station at six.

ERIN
Boy, this job takes me to some of the best
damn places, huh?

EXT. HINKLEY GAS STATION - SUNSET

Erin is sitting out front, swigging cough syrup from the
bottle. She checks her watch: 6:30. The GAS STATION
ATTENDANT comes out, locks up, and turns out the lights.

ERIN
This is the only station in town, right?

ATTENDANT
Yup.

He gets in his car and drives off. Erin sits down again.
Looks down the road in both directions. Nothing.

Then she spots, behind some bushes across the street, a glint
of chrome. She shields her eyes against the sunset and sees:
the BEAT-UP TRUCK parked behind some shrubbery.

Erin looks around, realizes she's alone. As she looks back
at the truck, the ASH of a cigarette brightens in the cab.
She realizes she's being watched. The driver's door opens.

Erin bolts for her car, scrambling to find her keys. She
jumps in, locks her doors, and tries to start her car, but it
won't turn over. Panic. The Man in the Dark Glasses has
gotten out and is heading toward her car. Erin looks around
again. Not a soul. She tries the engine again. And again.

Just as he gets to her car, the engine engages. Erin peels
out of the gas station.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin drives down the road, hyperventilating, trying to focus
on the road. She looks in the rear-view mirror -- nothing.

She reaches the train tracks. A train is passing. She has
to stop. As she's waiting, the glint of headlights bounce
off her rear view mirror. Truck lights, coming her way.
Fuck. She looks at the train -- still passing -- then back
at the headlights closing in on her. The train, the
headlights, the train, the headlights ...

Finally, when the headlights are right behind her, the last
train car zips by. Erin peels out, bounding her rickety car
over the tracks. The truck follows.

EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT

The Hyundai zips down the road. And behind it, the truck.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

She looks out at the landscape around her. It's black. No
other cars on the road. She starts to panic, accelerates.

EXT. HINKLEY ROAD - NIGHT

The Hyundai going faster. The truck still following.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

Erin comes up on a stop sign. She runs it. So does the
truck. A little later, she makes a turn and sees THE LOST
CAUSE SALOON. In the parking lot, like a lifeboat, sits Ed's
Mercedes. She pulls into the drive and jumps out of her car.

INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

Ed is eating ribs when Erin bursts through the door. She
rushes over to him, near tears with fear and exhaustion.

ERIN
Someone's following me.

ED
What? Who?

ERIN
Some guy in a truck -- he waited till I was
alone, then he followed me, like, two miles.
Jesus, I'm shaking. Get me a beer.

Ed gets up and heads toward the door.

ED
(to the counter guy)
Beer, please.

As Ed looks out the door, Erin collapses onto a bench.
ED
What kind of truck?

ERIN
I don't know. Big. Dark.

ED
He's gone.
(back to the table)
Did you get a license plate? Or a make?

ERIN
No, Ed -- what with me running for my life,
I didn't have time to check those things --

ED
I was just asking. Are you all right?

ERIN
Yeah. Yeah, I'm ... fine.

Ed looks at her. She looks terrible. Shaky, tired, drawn.

ED
Jesus, you look like shit. When was the
last time you had a decent night's sleep?
Genres: ["drama","thriller"]

Summary Erin gets into a heated argument with the PG&E lawyers during a meeting and storms out, only to later receive a call from a new plaintiff. Erin heads to meet him at a gas station but realizes she's being watched and chased by a stranger in a beat-up truck. She manages to escape and seeks refuge in a saloon, where she confides in Ed about what happened.
Strengths "The scene's tension is successfully built up through the use of dramatic music and sharp camera angles that convey Erin's sense of fear and desperation. The well-written dialogue also captures Erin's strong-willed character and determination to fight for justice against the corrupt PG&E."
Weaknesses "The scene could have been improved by providing more background on who the mysterious man in the beat-up truck is and why he's following Erin."
Critique Overall, this scene is written well and effectively conveys the tension and fear that Erin experiences while being followed. However, there are a few areas where improvements could be made.

Firstly, there could be more description of the setting and characters in the conference room scene. It is difficult to envision how Mario and Anna are reacting without more detail, and the reader is given no idea of what the room looks like.

Secondly, the dialogue in the conference room scene feels a bit rushed and forced. It seems unlikely that Erin would use such profanity in a professional setting, and her monologue feels a bit rehearsed.

Finally, there could be more sensory detail in the car chase scene to further heighten the tension. More description of Erin's surroundings and what she sees, hears, and smells could add depth to the experience.

Overall, this scene effectively builds tension and fear, but could benefit from more descriptive detail and more realistic dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more description and visual cues to increase tension and suspense during the scene where Erin is being followed by the unidentified driver. The script could benefit from more focus on the specifics of the chase, such as describing the make and model of the truck and incorporating more sensory details to heighten the anxiety of the moment. Additionally, it might be helpful to sprinkle in more hints and clues throughout earlier scenes to build up to this moment and make the reveal of the stalker feel like more of a payoff.



Scene 27 -  Relationships Under Pressure
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Crappy and pink. Ed's Mercedes pulls into the parking lot.
Erin's Hyundai follows. Ed stops, gets out.

INT. HYUNDAI - NIGHT

Ed swings by Erin's open car window.

ED
Don't worry. I'm getting two rooms.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Erin and Ed amble down the porch, checking door numbers, each
rattling a key. They find their adjacent rooms and stop.
Erin leans against the wall, too weak to stand.

ED
Lock the door every which way you can. And
if there's anything -- funny sound, whatever
-- pound on the wall. I'll come right over.

She nods a little. Then before she goes into her room:
ERIN
I think you should know -- there's very few
people in the world who don't piss me off 90
percent of the time.
(beat)
You're one of 'em.

It's as tender as she gets, and he's moved by it. They look
at each other. Maybe even considering. But after a long
beat, she reaches for her door again. Moment over.

ED
I'm triple locking my door, so don't even
think of trying to take advantage.

She smiles, goes inside. He watches her close her door
behind her before going inside himself.

EXT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - NIGHT

George is sitting alone on the stoop, drinking a beer. Music
is coming from his house next door. He stares out into the
street with a lot on his mind.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Katie and Matt are making a mess of breakfast. Beth is on
the floor, grinding cereal into the linoleum.

ERIN (O.S.)
Hello?

Erin enters, having just gotten home, and sees the mayhem.

ERIN
What are you doing? Where's George?

KATIE
I don't know.

ERIN
George!

She heads out.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

George is sitting on the bed when Erin enters.

ERIN
Jesus, George, they're turning the kitchen
into a hellhole. You know you can't leave
them alone like that.

He doesn't answer. Doesn't move. She notices this.

ERIN
What's going on? What are you doing?

GEORGE
Thinking.

ERIN
About what?

He's very calm. He holds out a small jewelry box.

GEORGE
About this.

ERIN
What's that?

GEORGE
It's a pair of earrings. I saw 'em in the
mall one day, and I thought, damn, those
would look good on those beautiful earlobes.
So I bought 'em. And I said to myself, next
time Erin says something nice, does
something nice, I'll surprise her with 'em.
(beat)
Know how long ago that was? Six months. In
six months, you haven't said one nice thing
to me. That's a long time.

ERIN
I'm sorry. I'm just working so hard --

GEORGE
I know. But still. Six months.
(he stands)
I think you oughta either find a different
job or a different boyfriend. Cause there
may be men who don't mind being the maid and
getting nothing in return, but I'm sure as
shit not one of 'em.

ERIN
I can't leave my job, George.

GEORGE
Yeah, you can. You could just quit. People
do it all the time.
ERIN
I can't. Look -- this job -- it's the best
thing that ever happened to me. I mean it.
For the first time in my life, I got people
respecting me. Up in Hinkley, I walk into a
room and everyone shuts up just to hear what
I got to say. I never had that. Ever.
Don't ask me to give it up. I need it.

GEORGE
More than you need me.

ERIN
I need it.

He nods, then stands, to leave.

GEORGE
Maybe you didn't like who you were before,
Erin, but I did. That's who I fell in love
with.

Only then does she see the packed duffel bag in the corner.

ERIN
You already packed up your stuff?

GEORGE
I pretty much knew what your answer was
gonna be.

He picks it up and walks out the door, tossing the earring
box on the bed as he goes.

INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin is at her window, looking out at the street below.
George is strapping a couple of bags onto the back of his
bike. He gets on the bike, starts it up, and drives away.

INT. HYUNDAI - DAY

Erin is driving, looking weary. Her kids are in the car.

Matthew turns on the radio. Erin reaches over and turns it
off. Matthew turns it back on. Erin glares at him, turns it
off. On/off/on/off. A test of wills. Finally, when Matthew
turns it on one more time, Erin turns it off, yanks the knob
off the stereo and throws it out the window.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY
The Hyundai pulls into the lot.

INT. HYUNDAI - DAY

Erin parks the car, unclips her seat belt.

ERIN
Wait here.

She gets out.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Business as usual. Erin comes in, goes straight to her desk.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN'S DESK - DAY

Erin flips through her "in" box, looking for something in
particular. Doesn't find it. Grrr. She heads off to:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin and George have a heart-to-heart conversation about their relationship and how her job is affecting it. George decides to leave, packing up and walking out on Erin. Erin then has a tense moment with her kids in the car before arriving at work, where she is frustrated with not finding what she's looking for.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, believable dialogue, well-developed characters"
Weaknesses "Limited action, slow pacing"
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, my ability to critique writing is limited. However, here is my attempt at providing feedback based on common screenwriting principles:

- The scene lacks clear goals and conflict. While there is a sense of tension between Erin and George, it is not clear what either character wants or what is preventing them from getting it.
- The dialogue lacks subtext. The characters are saying exactly what they mean, which can make the conversation feel bland and on-the-nose.
- The scene could benefit from more visual description. Most of the action is described through dialogue, which can make it feel static and uninteresting.
- There is a lack of sensory detail. Screenplays should engage the reader's senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell) to immerse them in the story. This scene could benefit from more sensory description to make it feel more vivid and real.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more conflict, subtext, visual description, and sensory detail to make it more engaging for the reader.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest a few improvements to this scene:

1. Increase the stakes: While we see the tension arising between Erin and George, we don't get a sense of what's at stake. What does this confrontation mean for her? For their relationship? For her job? Try to make it clearer what the consequences of this moment are.

2. Strengthen the dialogue: The dialogue in this scene feels a little bit flat and on-the-nose. Try to add some subtext and nuance to the conversation, and make sure that the characters are speaking in unique, distinct voices.

3. Add visual interest: Most of this scene takes place in very mundane locations (a parking lot, a law office). Try to find ways to add visual interest to these settings - maybe there's a beautiful sunset happening in the background, or there's a quirky detail to the office that can be highlighted.

4. Clarify the time frame: It's not entirely clear how much time has passed between the previous scene and this one. Adding some context can help ground the audience in the story's timeline.

5. Tighten up the pacing: The scene feels a little bit slow and meandering, particularly in the middle section. Try to tighten up the pacing and keep the story moving forward.



Scene 28 -  Erin Receives Paycheck
  • Overall: 7.5
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, JANE'S OFFICE - DAY

Jane is at her desk when Erin comes in.

ERIN
Where's my paycheck?

JANE
Have you been logging on?

ERIN
What?

JANE
I moved payroll onto the computer. It only
knows to process paychecks for employees who
log on in the morning and off at night.

ERIN
(seething)
Now how'm I supposed to do that when I'm not
in here most mornings and nights?

JANE
You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of
something.

Erin glares at her ...

ERIN
I don't believe this --
... then turns and storms out of Jane's office.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ED'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is on the phone when Erin barges in, rage in her eyes.

ERIN
I want my fucking money --

ED
(into phone)
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold
for just one second here --
(puts the call on
hold, then, to Erin)
Do you mind?

ERIN
(seething)
Yeah, I mind. You bet your ass I mind.

Clearly, she's in a dander he's going to have to deal with.

ED
Oh, Jesus. You wanna tell me what the
problem is here, or --

ERIN
It's my paycheck. Which I earned. Which I
deserve. Which I shouldn't have to beg for.
That fat-ass bitch won't give it to me.

ED
Erin, you're a big girl. If you got a
problem with Jane, work it out for yourself.
I don't have time to deal with --

ERIN
Fuck you. Make time. Cause I bust my ass
for you. I watch everything else in my life
go straight in the toilet, for you. And
what do you do for me? Huh? You see the
way I'm treated around here -- but have you
ever stood up for me once? Have you ever
mentioned to everyone what good work I'm
doing? Have you ever bothered saying, hey,
Erin doesn't get paid the most cause she has
the best tits; she gets paid the most cause
she's the best God damn employee I've ever
had?

ED
Is that what you want?

ERIN
I want my paycheck. By the end of the day.

Ed sighs. Realizes he's going to have to take this on.

ED
I'll see what I can do.

ERIN
You might want to think real hard about the
amount, too. My kids are sitting in the God
damn parking lot right now, cause I still
don't make enough to afford good child care.
Makes me think about looking around for a
job where I'm appreciated, for shit's sake.

She storms out.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Erin is standing at the sink, visibly exhausted, trying to do
the dinner dishes with one arm and comfort Beth, who's
CRYING, with the other. Matthew comes in.

MATTHEW
Can I play roller hockey?

ERIN
We'll see.

MATTHEW
When?

The DOORBELL RINGS. Erin goes to get it. Matthew follows

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

Matthew is dogging Erin on this. Beth is still crying.

MATTHEW
Randy's mom said yes right away.

ERIN
(snapping)
Well, God damn it, Matthew -- Randy's mom
doesn't work eighteen-hour days, and Randy's
dad didn't leave her, so figuring out who's
gonna take who where is a little easier over
at Randy's house.
Erin opens the door. A MESSENGER is there.

MESSENGER
Erin Brockovich?

ERIN
Yeah?

MESSENGER
Package from Masry & Vititoe.

He hands her a manila envelope. She signs for the package,
then tears into it as the Messenger heads away.

A CHECK and a SET OF KEYS fall out. She looks at the check.
It's made out for $5,000. A note attached reads "HIRE A
NANNY. AND LOOK OUTSIDE. - E."

Erin looks up and sees A BRAND-NEW CHEVY BLAZER parked on the
curb. She looks at the keys in her hand. Chevy keys. Whoa.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE, PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin drives up in the Blazer, pulls into a parking space.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin confronts her employer about not receiving her paycheck. She brings up her hard work and lack of appreciation. Ed agrees to see what he can do, and Erin later receives a $5,000 check and a new SUV as a gift.
Strengths "Strong character development and emotional driving force"
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot progression"
Critique Overall, this scene is well written and captures the frustration and desperation felt by Erin. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. The dialogue in the first exchange between Jane and Erin could be clearer. It's not entirely clear why Erin needs to log on and off every day in order to get her paycheck.

2. The language used by Erin is quite strong and aggressive. While this might accurately reflect her emotional state, it could be toned down to make her character more sympathetic to the audience.

3. Ed's initial response to Erin's outburst in his office is quite dismissive. This feels out of character for someone who has otherwise been portrayed as supportive of her. It might be more effective if he initially tries to calm her down or offer some reassurance before acknowledging her frustration.

4. The final scene, where Erin receives the check and car keys, comes across as a little too convenient and contrived. It might be more effective to build up to this moment with a few more scenes that show Erin struggling to make ends meet and the toll this is taking on her and her family.

Overall, this scene has the potential to be a powerful moment in the film. With a few tweaks to the dialogue and characterisation, it could be even more effective.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has good conflict and tension, but there are a few ways to improve it:

1. Establish the stakes earlier on: While the frustration and anger Erin feels towards not receiving her paycheck is evident, we do not fully understand why it is so important for her to receive it until she mentions her children waiting outside and her struggle to afford childcare. Introducing these high stakes earlier on will increase the tension and urgency.

2. Strengthen character motivation: Erin's desire for a paycheck seems to stem from her financial struggles, but other than that, we are not sure what motivates her character. By giving her a clear long-term goal or desire, we can better understand her actions in the scene and what she hopes to achieve.

3. Show, don't tell: When Erin discovers the check and key in the envelope, rather than telling us what they are, it would be more effective to see her reaction and let the audience make the connection themselves. This adds a layer of subtlety and creates a more powerful moment.

4. Tighten the dialogue: While the confrontation between Ed and Erin is tense and well-written, some of the dialogue feels repetitious. By trimming some of the lines and focusing on the most important points, the scene can flow more quickly and maintain its momentum.



Scene 29 -  The Decision
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, LAW LIBRARY - DAY

It's dark. Ed's seated at a table, alone. Erin walks by the
door, then spots him and stops in the doorway.

ERIN
Believe it or not, I would've been satisfied
with just the check.

Ed turns, sees her.

ED
Well, you go threatening to leave, I can't
take any chances. You're the only person
around who understands what I'm doing.
Things come up, I gotta know I got someone
to turn to.

She sits, reading him.

ERIN
What kind of things come up?

ED
Things like the head counsel for PG&E
calling me with an offer.
(beat)
20 million, plus attorney's fees. Take it
or leave it.

ERIN
Whoa. No shit.

ED
It's about 50 thousand per plaintiff.

ERIN
So what are you thinking?

ED
I'm thinking ... I wish someone else had to
make this decision.
(beat)
50 thousand bucks is more than any other
California toxic plaintiff has gotten.
Ever. But ...

ERIN
... but it won't cover Annabelle Daniels's
medical bills.

ED
And it's less than pocket change for PG&E.

ERIN
Do you think we'd do better by going to
trial?

ED
Maybe. but maybe not. We still don't have
anything linking this to PG&E corporate.
Plus, there's the statute problem. Plus,
we're way short on manpower, so we'd need to
bring on more lawyers ...

ERIN
Plus, 40 percent of 20 million's a whole lot
of money.

ED
It's eight million dollars, Erin. Eight
million dollars.

Beat.

ERIN
That's a fucking fortune, Ed. And you know
I'm the last person on Earth to walk away
from a big payday. But you and me didn't
get into this to get rich. We did it cause
we both have this voice in our heads saying,
do the right thing; get these plaintiffs
what they deserve -- the right to live and
die in some kind of comfort and peace. If
50,000 isn't gonna buy that, then we gotta
say no.
(beat)
Trust me. If you don't do the right thing
for these people, getting that 6 million
dollars is gonna feel like shit.

He nods to himself, and looks up at her, his mind made up.

ED
I knew I put up with your bullshit for a
reason.

INT. ERIN'S NEW CAR - DAY

It's raining. They're driving through the tall buildings of
Century City. Ed is full of nervous excitement.

ED
This guy, Erin -- he's got more toxic tort
experience than anyone else in California.
He's huge. And he said yes to me on the
first phone call, right off the bat.
(points to a building)
That's it. The big one. They've got the
top three floors.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, RECEPTION - DAY

It feels more like the lobby of a five-star hotel than an
office. Erin and Ed step off the elevator. Erin gawks.

ERIN
Holy shit. Who do they represent, God?

ED
Don't joke. They might. So do me a favor
and behave yourself for once.
(to receptionist)
Ed Masry to see Kurt Potter.

As Ed turns to check his reflection, a YOUNG LAWYER comes
through the reception area. Erin watches him pass, then,
still miffed, calls out to him.

ERIN
Scuse me, sir, you got a real nice ass, you
know that?

The lawyer double-takes on her, then retreats into the
office. Erin turns to Ed, smiles.

ERIN
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that not what you meant
by behaving myself?

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD RECEPTION AREA - DAY

THERESA DELLAVALLE, 38, junior partner, comes out to greet
them. She's everything Erin isn't: conservative, restrained,
unemotional. And about as sexy as a station wagon.

THERESA
Ed. Good to see you again.

ED
Theresa, hey -- this is Erin Brockovich.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD HALLWAY - DAY

Theresa leads Ed and Erin down a long hall of teak desks.
The sound of their footfalls is swallowed up by the plush
carpeting. Occasional ATTORNEYS and PARALEGALS glance at
Erin. She feels their stares.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, KURT POTTER'S OFFICE - DAY

Potter is sitting behind his giant desk when Theresa leads Ed
and Erin in.

THERESA
Kurt, Ed Masry's here. And this is Erin
Brockovich, Ed's assistant. Erin, this is
Kurt Potter.

POTTER
(to Ed, with a wink)
Well. Now I know what you meant when you
called her your secret weapon.

Erin gives Ed another look. What the fuck? Ed gives her a
firm look back. Behave.
Genres: ["Legal Drama"]

Summary Ed and Erin discuss whether to accept a settlement or go to trial. They ultimately decide to reject the settlement and continue fighting for their plaintiffs. They meet with a prestigious law firm to discuss joining forces.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development, particularly for Erin and Ed. The scene builds tension as they weigh their options and make a difficult decision."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more visual imagery and description to break up the numerous conversations."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and provides insight into the characters' motivations and thinking processes. The dialogue is natural and flows smoothly. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved.

First, the setting could be more vividly described. Although we are told that they are in a law library and an office building, there is little detail about the specific atmosphere or environment. This could help the audience to better visualize the scene and feel more engaged.

Second, there is a missed opportunity for visual storytelling. For example, when Ed mentions the $20 million offer from PG&E, it would be more impactful to show Erin's reaction rather than just having her read Ed's expression. Similarly, when they arrive at Potter, Hughes & Rosewood, more attention could be paid to their surroundings and the other people in the office.

Finally, the characterization of Theresa DellaValle is somewhat one-dimensional. While it is clear that she is the opposite of Erin in many ways, this could be shown in more subtle and interesting ways than just describing her as conservative and unemotional. Additionally, it may be helpful to give the audience a clearer understanding of her role in the story and why she is meeting with Ed and Erin.

Overall, this scene effectively advances the plot and develops the characters, but there are areas where it could be more visually engaging and nuanced.
Suggestions 1. Show, don't tell: The scene starts with a lot of dialogue that tells, rather than shows. Instead of having the characters explain their feelings and motivations, try to find ways to express it visually. This will make the scene more engaging for the audience.

2. Make the dialogue more concise: Some of the dialogue in the scene is long-winded and repetitive. Cutting down on unnecessary words and repeating ideas will make the scene more dynamic and keep the audience engaged.

3. Use body language to show the characters' emotions: Instead of having the characters state their emotions outright, use body language and actions to show their feelings. This makes for a more interesting scene and adds depth to the characters.

4. Add more sensory details: Describe the setting and the characters' surroundings in greater detail to help the audience immerse themselves in the story. This will also help to create a more dynamic scene.

5. Look for opportunities to add conflict: Conflict drives the story forward, so look for opportunities to create tension between the characters. This will keep the audience engaged and make the scene more memorable.



Scene 30 -  Erin and the Law Firm
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Potter, Ed, Erin, Theresa and few PARALEGALS are sitting
around the table. As the conversation ping-pongs between Ed
and Potter, Potter completely ignores Erin.
POTTER
When'd they file the demur?

ED
Yesterday.

ERIN
What's a demur?

ED
It's PG&E saying to the judge that we don't
have a case. Their lawyers go --

POTTER
How many counts?

ED
Sixty-nine. We've got good answers to all
of 'em.

ERIN
Counts?

ED
Reasons PG&E thinks it shouldn't go to --

POTTER
Who's the judge?

ED
Corey.

POTTER
Good.

ERIN
Why good?

ED
He's got a reputation for doing all his --

POTTER
How long's he gonna take?

Erin's starting to steam at Potter. Theresa sees it brewing,
tries to intercede.

THERESA
You know what? Why don't I take Erin down
the hall, so we can start in on this stuff?

Erin notices all her files in stacks against the wall.
ERIN
Hey -- those are my files --

THERESA
Yeah, we had them couriered over. And
listen, good work. They're a great start.
We're just going to have to spend a little
time filling in the holes in your research.

Okay, these people are starting to piss her off.

ERIN
Excuse me -- Theresa, was it? There are no
holes in my research.

THERESA
No offense. There are just some things we
need that you probably didn't know to ask.

ERIN
Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, okay? I
may not have a law degree, but I've spent 18
months on this case, and I know more about
those plaintiffs than you ever will.

THERESA
Erin. You don't even have phone numbers for
some of them.

ERIN
Whose number do you need?

THERESA
Everyone's. This is a lawsuit. We need to
be able to contact the plaintiffs.

ERIN
I said, whose number do you need?

THERESA
You don't know six hundreds plaintiffs'
numbers by heart.

Erin just stares at her. Theresa sighs, reluctantly glances
down at a file.

THERESA
Annabelle Daniels.

ERIN
Annabelle Daniels. 714-454-9346.
As Theresa starts to write it down:

ERIN
10 years old, 11 in May. Lived on the plume
since birth. Wanted to be a synchronized
swimmer, so she spent every minute she could
in the PG&E pool. She had a tumor in her
brain stem detected last November, had an
operation on Thanksgiving, shrunk it with
radiation after that. Her parents are Rita
and Ted. Ted's got Chron's disease, and
Rita has chronic headaches and nausea and
underwent a hysterectomy last fall. Ted
grew up in Hinkley. His brother Robbie and
his wife May and their five kids Robbie,
Jr., Martha, Ed, Rose, and Peter lived on
the plume too. Their number's 454-9445.
You want their diseases?

Beat. Erin glares at Theresa, indignant.

THERESA
Okay, look -- I think we got off on the
wrong foot here --

ERIN
That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet.
In fucking ugly shoes.

INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

It's still raining. Erin is following Ed to the car. He's
furious.

ERIN
She insulted me!

ED
Bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. But
instead of handling it politely, instead of
treating her with respect --

ERIN
Why the fuck should I respect her?

Ed stops in his tracks, furious. He glares at her.

ED
Because that's how people treat each other!

ERIN
Not in my world.

ED
Gee, I wonder why.

On that, he gets in his car, slams the door, and drives off,
leaving her standing alone in the pouring rain.

ERIN
Hey! You're my ride!

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - DAY

Potter and Ed are walking down the hallway, mid-conversation.
A FEW PARALEGALS follow them with files.

POTTER
I've also been thinking about the team.
Responsibilities, who should cover what --

ED
Right.

POTTER
I think we should makes some changes.

EXT. LINWOOD'S DAIRY - DAY

Bob Linwood is in his barn, mucking it out. Theresa is at
the edge of the property, trying unsuccessfully to get his
attention by yelling and waving her arms. In her expensive
shoes, she's stopped short of the cow patty minefield.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES & ROSEWOOD, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON A CLIENT FILE as a hand fills in a phone number.

WIDEN TO SEE Erin seated with a PARALEGAL, rattling off facts
and numbers from memory. She's seized by a COUGHING FIT.
Genres: ["Legal Drama","Character Study"]

Summary Erin continues to work on the case and clashes with her colleagues, particularly Theresa. The tension reaches a breaking point when Erin shows off her research abilities and Theresa underestimates her. Later, Ed confronts Erin about her disrespectful behavior and leaves her stranded in the rain.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases the conflicts between Erin and her colleagues and sets up for the payoff later on. The dialogue is snappy and engaging, and the performance by the actors is excellent."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks physical action and could benefit from more visual storytelling. Some viewers may find the legal jargon and terminology hard to follow."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, with strong character dynamics and conflict. However, a few areas could use improvement:

- The dialogue could be more specific and nuanced. While the characters all have distinct voices and personalities, some of their lines feel a bit generic and vague. It would be beneficial to flesh out their dialogue with more specific details and language that reflect their backgrounds and experiences.

- The scene could benefit from more physical action and description. While there are some gestures and movements mentioned, such as Erin's steam and Theresa's unsuccessful attempts to get Bob's attention, there could be more attention paid to the characters' body language and environment. This would help to create a more immersive and visual experience for the reader.

- The formatting could be improved. While there are no major issues, there are a few small inconsistencies, such as some lines being indented too far or not far enough. Cleaning up these small details would make the script look more polished and professional.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and progresses the plot. However, there are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Make Erin's frustration with Potter's behavior more clear. Right now, we only see that she's ignored, but we don't feel her frustration as strongly as we could. Perhaps adding some internal dialogue or physical actions that show her irritation would help.

2. Develop the conflict between Erin and Theresa more fully. This scene sets up their tension, but it could be heightened if they had stronger opposing viewpoints. Perhaps Theresa could question Erin's ability to do her job, leading Erin to become defensive and prove her competence.

3. Consider adding more description to the characters' actions and body language. Right now, the dialogue is the primary focus, but adding in details about how the characters are moving and reacting could help to convey their emotions and create a more visceral reading experience.

4. Find ways to make the scene more visual. Right now, the setting is very static, with characters mostly just sitting and talking. Adding in more movement - characters pacing, gesturing, or interacting with the physical space in some way - could make the scene feel more dynamic and interesting to watch.



Scene 31 -  The Big Meeting
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. LINWOOD DAIRY - DAY

Theresa still hasn't gotten Linwood's attention. Finally,
rather than ruin her shoes, she picks up a stone and tosses
it at the barn. It hits the window and BREAKS IT.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, ERIN AND BRENDA'S DESKS - DAY

Erin's desk is empty: no Erin, no files, nothing. Ed comes
out of his office and hands Brenda a STACK OF DOCUMENTS.

CLOSE ON THE FAX LED
Brenda types in the number. The recipient's I.D. comes up
again, only this time it says: POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD.

INT. POTTER, HUGHES, ROSEWOOD, HALLWAY - ANOTHER DAY

A SECRETARY carries the documents to Potter's office. On the
way, she passes THE CONFERENCE ROOM. Inside, Erin is still
dictating to the PARALEGAL. She's shivery with fever now.
The floor around her is littered with tissues.

INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Theresa is talking to Rita and Ted Daniels. Annabelle is
curled up on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Rita and Ted
notice that Theresa doesn't even look at Annabelle.

INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY

Erin is lying in bed, home sick, talking on the phone. She's
talking over the noise of TANIA, her 20-something Eastern
European nanny, vacuuming the hall.

ERIN
I know she isn't real warm, but they say
she's a real good lawyer ...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. DANIELS' HOUSE - DAY

Ted Daniels is on the phone. Rita is next to him.

TED
That may be. But I don't want her coming to
the house again. She's kinda stuck-up, and
she upsets Annabelle. Now, I hate to say
this, but when she left today, Rita asked if
we should get a new lawyer.

ERIN
Ted, no -- don't do that. If you don't like
Theresa, you don't have to work with her.
Me and Ed are still here for you.

TED
I called Ed two days ago, Erin, and he still
hasn't called me back.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, BRENDA'S DESK - DAY

The phone rings. Brenda picks up.
BRENDA
Ed Masry's office ... Sorry, he can't be
interrupted.

INTERCUT WITH Erin at home, still in bed, so irritated.

ERIN
Don't be a pain in the ass, okay, Brenda?
Just put him on.

BRENDA
(with finality)
I said, he can't be interrupted.

Erin hangs up. Then, with a groan, she pulls her weary body
out of bed.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION - DAY

Erin drags herself into the office.

ROSALIND
Hey, Erin, I thought you were taking a sick
day.

ERIN
So did I.

She heads toward Ed's office, but stops when she sees a
meeting in progress in the conference room. Ed is on the
side of the table facing her, flanked by Potter and Theresa.
On the other side of the table, are FOUR SUITED BACKS.

ERIN
What's going on in there?

ROSALIND
Some meeting. With PG&E people.

ERIN
PG& -- Are you sure?

ROSALIND
Yup. They must be important, too, cause
they came on a special plane.

Erin feels this like a sock in the gut. She stares at the
meeting, stunned.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
This band of PG&E lawyers is the oldest and most impressive
of all. Ed, Potter, and Theresa are listening to the most
senior PG&E lawyer, MR. CORBIN, talk.

CORBIN
... we would enter into binding arbitration
-- judge, no jury -- with a settlement to be
between 50 and 400 million dollars.

Ed and Potter hear this and think about it.

POTTER
Any preconditions on the settlements?

CORBIN
The plaintiffs have to agree to it
unanimously. And they're barred from ever
discussing their settlement with anyone.

ED
50-400 million dollars isn't a whole hell of
a lot of money for your company, Mr. Corbin.

HEAD COUNSEL
50-400 million dollars is a great deal of
money for your plaintiffs, Mr. Masry.

As Ed mulls this, he sees, beyond Mr. Corbin,

ERIN

staring at him from the other side of the glass wall, her
face cold with hurt and anger.

ED
Could I -- just take a brief break here for
a moment? I'll be right back.

He gets up and goes out into:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Ed, Potter, and Theresa meet with the PG&E lawyers to discuss a potential settlement. Meanwhile, Erin is home sick and dealing with conflicts between her clients and the Daniels family.
Strengths "Strong conflict between the main characters and the potential for a big payout with the settlement."
Weaknesses "Weak dialogue and lack of clear character development."
Critique This scene includes good dialogue and characters with clear objectives and motivations. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, the scene jumps between several different locations and characters, which makes it difficult to follow and interrupts the flow of the story. Secondly, there is a lack of visual description, making it hard to picture the action. Finally, the scene could benefit from greater tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions



Scene 32 -  Erin's Rage and Matthew's Confession
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MASRY & VITITOE, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Ed comes out. Erin's so angry she can barely breathe.

ERIN
If you tell me to relax, I'm gonna kick your
fucking head off --

ED
Erin, it's just a meeting.

ERIN
People don't fly down in their own god damn
plane for "just a meeting" --

ED
Look, you said you weren't feeling great. I
thought you should rest.

ERIN
Bullshit. You'd drag me off my deathbed if
it suited you.

ED
Okay, look. It's an important meeting.
Kurt thought, if it was just lawyers --

ERIN
Kurt thought? What about you? Do you think
anymore?

He resists being dragged into an knock-down, drag-out fight.

ED
Look, this is serious now. They're talking
serious money --

ERIN
And, what, I'm not serious?

ED
You're emotional. You're erratic. You say
any God damn thing that comes into your
head. And I'm not saying that's bad. That
can be great; that can be a lot of fun --

ERIN
"Fun?" Jesus, "fun?" I kill myself for a
year and a half, hand you the best case of
your life on a God damn silver platter,
remind you of why you became a lawyer in the
first place, and you think of me as "fun?"

ED
Okay, now you're making this personal, and
it isn't --

ERIN
Not personal? That's my work in there, Ed.
My sweat, my labor, my time. If that's not
personal, I don't know what is.

She starts to COUGH and CRUMBLE, but fights it.
ERIN
(weakened)
How dare you take that away from me.

ED
No one's taking anything --

ERIN
Bullshit. You stuck me in Siberia dictating
to some God damn steno clerk so you could
finish this thing without me. After all
I've done for you, that's the thanks I get.

By now the entire office is watching. As are the lawyers in
the conference room.

ED
Don't give me that. You've gotten plenty.
You've been well-paid; you've gotten lots of
perks ...

ERIN
Perks? Jesus -- perks?

Erin reaches into her bag, pulls out her cel phone.

ERIN
If this piece of shit is supposed to take
the place of your respect, you can take it
and shove it up your ass.

She throws it at him and storms away. The phone hits the
glass wall of the conference room, CRACKING it. Ed just
stands there, with the lawyers staring at him through the
splintered glass wall.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin gets to her car. As she opens the door, the ALARM
SOUNDS. She fumbles with her keychain, trying to turn it
off, but she's too sick and upset to figure it out. With the
siren still blaring, she kicks at the car in rage.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin's driving home. As she turns onto her street, her
headlights wash across the sidewalk and illuminate a small
boy, wearing a backpack, walking the other way.

ERIN
Holy shit --
She looks over her shoulder, but the sidewalk is too dark.
She pulls a U-turn in the middle of the street. A CAR HONKS.

Erin scans the sidewalk, finally sees him again. Holy shit,
is right. It's Matthew, wandering the streets at night.

ERIN
Matthew --

She pulls ahead of Matthew and bumps up onto the sidewalk,
blocking his path. When he sees her car, he turns and runs
the other way. Erin leaps out and follows him.

ERIN
Matthew! MATTHEW!

She catches up and collars him.

ERIN
God damn it, Matthew. What the hell are you
doing out here?

MATTHEW
I'm gonna go live with George.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

MUSIC is playing. TANIA is on the phone. The receiver is
yanked from her hand. She turns to see Erin hovering over
her, barely containing herself.

ERIN
If you leave here real fast, I might not
kill you.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MATTHEW AND KATIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Matthew's in his bed, facing the wall. Erin sitting on the
foot of his bed, near tears. Katie's watching from her bed.

ERIN
We'll work out the roller hockey thing,
okay? Whatever you want, we'll work it out.
I promise.

MATTHEW
You always say that. Then you go to work
and forget you promised.

ERIN
I never forget, honey. I try, real hard.
It's just, for some reason, I don't seem to
be able to organize things right and -- when
it comes to you guys, I end up falling
short.

MATTHEW
You never fall short for the work people. I
guess maybe you just love them more.

ERIN
Oh, God, sweetheart, no. There's nothing on
Earth I love more than you. Nothing.
(beat)
I promise.

She lays her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off and
inches away from her.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, HALLWAY - NIGHT

Erin comes out of the bedroom. As she turns to close the
door, she collapses to the floor in a heap. Out cold.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

A busy Southland ER. George bursts through the doors with
Katie, Matthew and Beth in tow. He goes up to the desk.

GEORGE
I'm looking for Erin Brockovich. They
brought her in in an ambulance?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin is angry with Ed for not including her in an important meeting and accuses him of taking away her hard work. She throws her phone at him and storms out. Later, she finds Matthew wandering the streets and discovers that he wants to live with George. Erin brings Matthew home and promises to work out their differences. In the end, Erin collapses and is rushed to the hospital.
Strengths "The scene is emotionally charged, providing insight into Erin's character. There is a strong contrast between the conflict at the beginning and the tender moment between Erin and Matthew at the end. The dialogue is well-written and believable."
Weaknesses "The scene feels slightly disjointed in terms of pacing. The switch from Erin's rage to Matthew's confession is a bit jarring. The introduction of Matthew's desire to live with George feels somewhat random and disconnected from the rest of the scene."
Critique There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. The dialogue is a bit on-the-nose. Erin's anger and frustration are clear, but the characters' lines feel a bit too straightforward in expressing those emotions. It could benefit from some subtext or nuance.

2. The action could be more specific. There are moments where it's unclear exactly what's happening, such as when Erin collapses at the end. Including more specific details and actions would make the scene feel more vivid and engaging.

3. The scene feels a bit disjointed. While the two parts of the scene (Erin's confrontation with Ed and her encounter with Matthew) are connected thematically, they could feel more unified. Tightening up the transitions and finding a clearer through-line for the scene would help it feel more cohesive.

Overall, while the scene has some strong moments, it could benefit from more attention to detail and subtext in both the dialogue and action.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from a clearer objective and more structured dialogue. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

- Establish the objective of the scene early on. What do Erin and Ed want to accomplish? Why is this conversation happening? Having a clear objective will give the dialogue more purpose and direction.
- Simplify the dialogue. Some of the back-and-forth feels repetitive and could be condensed to make the scene more snappy and effective. Try to make the dialogue more dialogue-driven rather than descriptive. For example, instead of "Erin's so angry she can barely breathe," have her convey her anger through her words.
- Develop the characters' emotions more. You want to show the reader what Erin and Ed are feeling, not just what they're saying. Use body language, pauses, and small actions to convey their emotions. For example, have Erin clench her fists or Ed run a hand through his hair.
- Add in more physical descriptions to show the setting. The scene takes place in a law office, but we don't really get a sense of what it looks like. Include some details to help the reader visualize the room and setting.
- Consider breaking up the scene into smaller sections. Right now, it feels like a massive block of text that could be hard to follow. Breaking it up into smaller, more manageable scenes can help with clarity and pacing.



Scene 33 -  Hospital Visit
  • Overall: 7.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. ER WAITING AREA - DAY

The kids are waiting. George is talking to a DOCTOR.

GEORGE
Meningitis? What the hell is meningitis?

DOCTOR
It's an inflammation of the spinal cord and
part of the brain.

GEORGE
Jesus.

DOCTOR
She must be a tough cookie, cause it's a
pretty advanced case. I'd say she's been
walking around with it for a few weeks now.

GEORGE
How does someone get meningitis?
DOCTOR
Usually, in adults, it's from exposure to
bacteria or a virus or ...

GEORGE
... or lemme guess -- toxic waste?

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Matt and Katie sit on the cheap plastic chairs outside the
room. Katie is holding Beth, who's sleeping.

GEORGE (O.S.)
They can stay at my place till you go home.

INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Erin's in bed, hooked up to an IV, looking exhausted. All
untouched food tray is beside her bed. George is standing
across the room from her, arms crossed tight across his
chest, keeping his distance.

ERIN
They said that'd be tomorrow. They just
wanna keep an eye on me another night.

GEORGE
Fine. I'll drop 'em off tomorrow afternoon.

A moment of thick silence.

ERIN
Thank you.

GEORGE
(giving nothing)
Mm-hm.

As she watches him reach for his motorcycle helmet, to leave,
she's hit with a wave of regret.

ERIN
George, hang on.
(he pauses)
Look ... I'm sorry. I just --

There's a KNOCK at the door, and Ed enters. George looks at
him. Not interested in her apologies.

GEORGE
I'll drop 'em by tomorrow.
And Erin watches George leave the room, then turns to Ed.

ERIN
If you're here to fire me, your timing's
lousy.

ED
I'm not gonna fire you.
(beat)
I wanted to. But then you got sick, and
that woulda made me look like a shit.
(serious)
You embarrassed me, Erin.

ERIN
I know. I'm sorry.
(beat)
Do I get to hear what happened anyway?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin is hospitalized with meningitis and George takes her kids in for the night. George and Erin briefly speak in her hospital room before George leaves. Ed enters to talk with Erin.
Strengths "Intense dialogue and emotionally charged scene"
Weaknesses "Lack of action may bore some viewers"
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be lacking in tension and conflict. There is some information being revealed, but it feels flat and lacking in emotional impact.

One issue is that the dialogue feels very exposition-heavy. The doctor's explanation of meningitis feels like it's there solely to educate the audience, rather than feeling like a natural part of the conversation between George and the doctor. Similarly, when George asks about toxic waste, it doesn't feel like a genuine interaction between two characters, but rather a setup for a joke.

The scene also doesn't seem to have a clear purpose or arc. George is initially concerned about Erin's condition, but then the focus shifts to him offering to let her children stay with him and then to Erin apologizing to Ed. It doesn't feel like there is a clear conflict or obstacle that the characters are working through.

Finally, the dialogue feels very on-the-nose. Characters are saying things that feel more like plot points than natural conversation. For example, when Ed says he wanted to fire Erin but didn't want to look like a "shit," it feels like a very direct way of stating his motivation, rather than something that would come up naturally in conversation.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more tension and conflict, more nuance in the dialogue, and a clearer sense of purpose and arc.
Suggestions 1. Add more emotion and conflict to the scene by exploring the feelings of each character. For example, how does Erin feel about her illness? Is she scared or frustrated? Does George feel guilty for not realizing sooner that she was sick? Does he have any unresolved feelings for Erin?
2. Consider adding practical details to the scene to make it more lifelike. For example, include sounds from the hospital, descriptions of the waiting area, or subtle props that might help the audience understand the context.
3. Revise the dialogue to make sure it flows naturally and sounds like something people would actually say. Consider removing some of the medical jargon from the doctor's lines, as it may be unnecessary for the audience.
4. Consider adding visual cues through body language or subtle actions to enhance the emotional tension in the scene. For example, have Erin reach out towards George as he tries to leave or have George avoid looking at Erin when she apologizes.
5. Make sure the scene moves the story forward and contributes to the overall narrative. If any information is redundant or irrelevant, consider cutting it.



Scene 34 -  Negotiating for Binding Arbitration
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. ERIN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER

Ed has taken off his coat and pulled a chair up next to
Erin's bed. He's eating the pudding off her tray.

ERIN
Between 50 and 400 million, definitely?

ED
Uh-huh.

ERIN
And if you had to guess ...

ED
With nothing linking it to the corporate
offices yet, I'd say we'll end up on the
lower end of that. Still a lot of money.

ERIN
So why would PG&E offer it?

ED
Because. They know the evidence; they know
they're gonna lose a jury trial. Maybe they
wouldn't lose 400 million bucks, but once
you factor in all they'd spend on this case
in the next ten years, it makes a lot of --

ERIN
Wait, what do you mean, ten years?
ED
Five years, maybe, for a trial. Double that
for the appeal.

ERIN
(confused)
I'm sorry, are you saying that if this thing
goes to trial, it'll be ten years before
these plaintiffs see their money?

ED
Hey, that's not so bad. Compare it to the
Love Canal -- that was twenty years ago, and
those people still haven't seen a dime. So
in legal terms, ten years is --

ERIN
Fuck legal terms. We're talking about human
beings here. Sick people. A whole bunch of
them are gonna be dead in ten years. They
need their money now!
(beat)
We gotta get 'em to agree to the
arbitration, Ed. We gotta get every damn
one of those plaintiffs to --

ED
I know. We're having a meeting, it's all
set up --

ERIN
When? Where?

ED
Tuesday at seven, at the Hinkley firehouse.

ERIN
Okay, good. I think I should be the one to
tell 'em, cause they trust me more than --

ED
You're not gonna be there.

ERIN
The fuck I'm not. I don't care what the
doctor says --

ED
This isn't doctor's orders. It's mine. I'm
saying you can't come.

ERIN
Why not?

ED
Because Kurt doesn't want to work with you.
He thinks you're a loose cannon.

ERIN
Fuck Kurt.

ED
Erin --

ERIN
No, I'm serious. You know what Kurt Potter
is? He's the kind of guy who never would
have taken this case in the first place.
He's the kind of guy who would have sold
these plaintiffs down the river when PG&E
offered 20 million. He doesn't work like
us, Ed. There's no little voice in his head
telling him to do the right thing.

But his mind's made up. He stands to leave.

ED
Don't come, Erin. I mean it. If you do,
I'm gonna have to fire you.
(beat)
Just ... concentrate on getting well.

EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

The parking lot is empty, except for three Mercedes. Ed,
Potter, and Theresa are in the doorway, going over their
notes. A TRUCK pulls into the lot.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Katie and Matt are watching TV. Beth is playing near them.
Behind them, Erin is lying on the couch, under a blanket,
distractedly trying to watch TV. She checks her watch.

EXT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

The lot is filling with more cars and trucks; headlights
criss-cross each other as people pull in from all directions.

INT. ERIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Erin's sitting up now, jiggling her knee, unable to sit
still. She checks her watch again. 6:30. She can't take
it. She throws off the blanket and gets up.
ERIN
Come on, kids, we're going for a ride.

INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

CLOSE ON HANDS. As people stream in, they are each handed a
release form with a space for a signature on the bottom.

INT. HINKLEY FIREHOUSE - LATER

It's sweltering. The room, packed with plaintiffs, hums with
horse flies and tension. People are fanning themselves with
the release forms. Potter's addressing them from a raised
platform. Ed, Theresa, and Andrew are seated behind him.

POTTER
Binding arbitration isn't all that different
from a trial. It's overseen by a judge.
Evidence is presented in much the same way.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

One more car pulls into the lot. It's Erin's Chevy.

INT. ERIN'S CAR - NIGHT

Erin unbuckles her seat belt.

ERIN
Stay in the car, babies, I won't be long.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Erin gets out of the car, looks around, then goes over to a
window and looks in at the packed meeting.

PLAINTIFF (O.S.)
And then a jury decides?

POTTER (O.S.)
No, sorry, I should have mentioned that.
There's no jury in binding arbitration. No
jury, and no appeal.

She climbs up on an old wagon for a better view.

BOB LINWOOD (O.S.)
No appeal? So what are our options if we
don't like the result?

POTTER (O.S.)
Well -- you have none. The judge's decision
is final. But I really don't anticipate
that as a problem.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ed and Erin discuss potential settlements for a case, and Erin becomes increasingly frustrated with the legal process. She insists on speaking with the plaintiffs in person and convinces them to agree to binding arbitration, against the wishes of her colleague Kurt.
Strengths
  • Strong character development for Erin
  • Tension and conflict between Erin and her colleagues
  • Dialogue that raises important ethical questions
Weaknesses
  • Some potentially confusing legal jargon
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the situation. The dialogue is natural and serves to advance the plot and reveal character motivations. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon:

1. Show, don't tell: When Ed is eating the pudding off of Erin's tray, it's unclear whether he's doing it because he's hungry or because he's comfortable around her. Without more context, it feels like a forced attempt at intimacy. Instead, it would be more effective to show their relationship and rapport through their dialogue and actions.

2. Reveal character through action: The scene where Erin takes her children with her to the meeting feels rushed and out of character for someone who has been portrayed as a responsible, caring mother. Instead, it would be more effective to have Erin grapple with her decision to attend the meeting despite her health concerns and her responsibility to her family. This would reveal more about her character and motivations.

3. Clarify character relationships: It's unclear why Kurt doesn't want to work with Erin and what their previous interactions have been. Without more context, this conflict feels arbitrary and confusing. It would be more effective to establish their relationship and past interactions earlier in the film, so that this conflict feels more grounded and meaningful.

Overall, this scene effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the situation, but could benefit from more nuance and character development.
Suggestions 1. Establish the setting more clearly – open with a brief description of the hospital room, including any relevant details such as medical equipment, decor, etc.
2. Give more context to the conversation between Erin and Ed – why are they discussing this topic, what is the significance of this information?
3. Show more emotional depth from Erin – make her frustration and concern for the plaintiffs more clear and palpable.
4. Develop the character of Kurt more – show why he has a problem working with Erin and why he is not the same as Ed and Erin in his thinking about the case.
5. Increase the tension in the scene – use more direct conflict to highlight the differences between characters and their respective positions.



Scene 35 -  Tension rises as decision looms
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Now, in addition to the stifling heat, the large room is
thick with mistrust. People are shifting in their seats,
whispering to each other.

TOM BROWN
You don't even know what it's gonna be; how
do you know we're gonna like it?

Agreeing MURMURS ripple through the crowd.

POTTER
As I said before, it will definitely be
somewhere between 50 and 400 million
dollars.

MANDY BROWN
Which? There's a big difference there.

POTTER
I wouldn't want to speculate at this point.

MANDY BROWN
Ed -- what do you think it'll be?

Potter turns around and looks at Ed seated behind him.

ED
I think ... Kurt's right. We shouldn't
speculate.

MANDY BROWN
So then, what, that mystery number's divided
up at the whim of some judge --

POTTER
Judges don't make decisions based on whim,
ma'am. They make them based on precedent
and evidence.

The GRUMBLE of discontent has overtaken the room. More
whispering, more movement.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Erin watches the meeting fall apart. It's driving her crazy.
ERIN
Fucking idiot --

INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Potter sees he's losing them, too. Tries to gain control.

POTTER
Look. Everyone. Is this a big decision?
Absolutely. But I do believe that if you
put a little faith in the system, you'll be
quite pleased with the outcome.

Ted Daniels gets up from his seat.

TED DANIELS
Mr. Potter, if you knew me from Adam, you'd
know that being pleased isn't an option for
me anymore. Now don't take this personally,
sir, but I've never seen you before in my
life. I'm not about to put my faith in
anything just cause you tell me to.

He drops his agreement form, unsigned, then takes Rita's hand
and heads for the door.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Meeting's over. The plaintiffs stream out of the firehouse.
Cars start up, headlights flick on. People pull away.

INT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT

Everyone has left. Erin enters and looks around. The floor
is littered with rejected, unsigned release forms.

She thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. She picks up a
release form, and leaves the firehouse.

EXT. MINI MALL - NIGHT

Everything's closed, except the KINKO'S store at the far end.
Erin's truck pulls into the parking lot.

INT. KINKO'S - NIGHT

A BORED EMPLOYEE is at the register, painting with Wite-Out
on a blue piece of paper. Erin enters, dragging her kids.

ERIN
Can I have one of those counter thingies,
please?
The Employee gives it to her. Erin crosses to the copiers.
She slips the release form into one, then taps in the number
of copies: 635. Presses "START." The machine WHIRS to life.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - NIGHT

Erin's Chevy pulls into the parking lot.

MATTHEW (O.S.)
I don't want to stay here. It smells.

INT. HINKLEY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Erin is entering the crappy motel room with her kids.

ERIN
We got no choice. I'm not gonna make it
home tonight. Now go wash up and climb into
bed.

As the kids wander toward the bathroom, Erin picks up the
phone and dials. RING, RING.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Hello?

ERIN
Hi. It's me.
(silence)
I got a favor to ask you.

GEORGE (O.S.)
I don't do favors for you anymore.

ERIN
It's not for me; it's for my kids. You're
the only one I trust them with.

EXT. HINKLEY MOTEL - DAY

Very early. Erin is visible in the motel office, talking to
the clerk, when George's motorcycle pulls into the lot. She
turns around and sees him pulling up next to her Chevy.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The plaintiffs meet at the firehouse with Potter, who tries to convince them to have faith in the system to make a decision. The mistrust and discontent of the group grows as the amount of money the decision involves is unclear. As people disperse after the meeting, Erin decides to take matters into her own hands and make copies of release forms. She then takes her kids to a motel and reaches out to George for a favor.
Strengths "The dialogue and tension build well throughout the scene, with clear motivations for each character and their actions."
Weaknesses "There could be more visual description to add to the overall atmosphere and mood of the scene."
Critique The scene is overall well-written with clear dialogue and good pacing. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the characters could be better developed so that the audience can form a stronger emotional connection with them. We don't know much about them, which makes it hard to care about what is happening to them.

Secondly, the setting could be better described to immerse the audience in the scene. We don't get much of a sense of what the firehouse looks like or what the mini mall is like.

Finally, there is a missed opportunity for visual storytelling when Erin makes copies of the release form. Having a visual montage of the copier spitting out the copies would have added some visual interest to the scene.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: While there is some tension in the scene, it's not clear why the mistrust and discontent are so high. Adding some backstory or explanation of what's at stake for the characters (e.g., losing their homes or getting compensation for damages) could make the scene more impactful.

2. Use more variety in character reactions: Currently, most of the characters are murmuring or grumbling when they disagree with Potter. Introducing different types of reactions (e.g., angry outbursts, resigned sighs, skeptical questions) can make the dialogue more dynamic.

3. Develop Erin's storyline: Erin's frustration with the meeting falling apart is mentioned briefly, but it's not clear why she's so invested. Expanding on her motivations (e.g., wanting justice for her clients, feeling a personal connection to the case) can make her character more compelling.

4. Cut unnecessary details: The scene has several moments that don't add much to the plot (e.g., Erin taking her kids to the motel, the employee at Kinko's painting with Wite-Out). Removing these details can streamline the scene and make it more focused.



Scene 36 -  Collecting plaintiffs
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Erin comes up to him, hands him a key.

ERIN
I got you your own room.
He takes it, glances toward the motel room.

GEORGE
They up?

ERIN
Hunh-uh. Not yet.
(awkward beat)
Look, don't take any of 'em on your bike,
okay? Call a cab if you wanna go somewhere.

She hands him a wad of cash.

GEORGE
How long's this whole thing gonna take?

ERIN
I don't know. Few days.
(beat)
Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it.

He nods. She gets into her car. Before closing the door,
she turns back to him.

ERIN
And I miss you.

GEORGE
Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find.

She sees how mad she's made him. Takes a beat.

ERIN
I treated you real bad, George. I know
that. But, my problem was -- I never been
with anyone who deserved better than that.
You're the first nice guy who ever liked me.

George softens, shifts. He steps toward the truck and gently
closes her door, so he's standing close to her.

ERIN
I just ... didn't know how to handle it.
That's all.

He thinks about this. Finally:

GEORGE
Think you could learn?

ERIN
(with a smile)
You know me. I pick things up real fast.

He smiles back at her, nods, then tenderly brushes a piece of
hair out of her eyes.

GEORGE
You shouldn't be driving around, you know.
You're sick.

ERIN
Yeah, but I'm gonna get better. A lot of
these folks aren't.

He nods, understanding. Then he taps the side of her truck
and turns toward the motel room. She puts the truck in gear
and pulls out.

EXT. HINKLEY, COMMUNITY BOULEVARD - DAY

Erin's Chevy is bombing down the road.

INT. ERIN'S CAR, BACK SEAT - DAY

There are two boxes there -- one full of unsigned release
forms, the other empty.

EXT. DONNA'S NEW HOUSE - DAY

Donna's gardening out front, her head wrapped in a scarf to
cover her chemo-thinning hair, when Erin's Chevy pulls into
the driveway. Erin gets out, goes to the back of the truck,
gets two of the release forms, then heads over to Donna.

INT. DONNA'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Erin is sitting with Pete and Donna.

DONNA
I don't know, Erin -- the way he was talking
to us, telling us everything was gonna be
fine -- I just didn't trust him.

PETE
And after all we been through -- no jury, no
appeal. It just makes me nervous.

ERIN
I understand all that. And I don't wanna
force you into anything. If you don't want
to sign, that's fine. But why don't we talk
it over a little, cause I'd sure hate for
you to turn this down for the wrong reasons.
EXT. DONNA'S HOUSE - DAY

The door opens. Erin emerges, holding two signed agreements.
Donna is letting her out.

ERIN
You wouldn't happen to have a little time
right now, would you, Donna?

DONNA
For what?

ERIN
Well, I was gonna head over to the Browns
now. I was thinking -- Mandy really values
your opinion ...

INT. MANDY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Erin, Donna, Mandy, and Tom are seated on the sofas. Mandy
signs an agreement. Hands the pen to Tom, who also signs.

EXT. LINWOODS' HOUSE - DAY

From outside, we see Erin at the kitchen table with Donna and
Bob and Ruth Linwood, who are listening intently.

INT. DESOTOS' HOUSE - DAY

Erin and Donna are leaving, saying good-bye to Mary DeSoto.
Erin has a signed release form in her hand.

INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S CAR - DAY

DISCO blares. The two boxes. The formerly empty one now has
a small stack of signed release forms in it. The top one has
Bob Linwood's signature.

IN THE FRONT SEAT

Erin is driving, eating a hamburger, and going over her list
of plaintiffs.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - EVENING

People are going about their shopping. Rita Daniels is
stopped, talking with A FEW MORE PLAINTIFFS.

RITA
I thought so, too, but Erin says a trial's
gonna take years
INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT

The signed stack has grown; the unsigned stack has shrunk.
Erin drops five more agreements into the "signed" box.

INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

In the wee hours. While her kids sleep, Erin sits at the
cheap motel room table, going through her forms, organizing,
alphabetizing.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Erin collects a series of signed release forms from her plaintiffs with the help of Donna. She manages to convince some of them to sign the forms while others refuse to do so.
Strengths "The scene shows Erin being tactful while dealing with her plaintiffs which reflects on her character as being empathetic and sensitive to the needs of others."
Weaknesses "The dialogue in the scene could have been better with a little more nuance and depth."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and engaging. The dialogue feels authentic and the pacing is strong. However, there are a few small critiques that could improve the scene.

First, it's unclear who "he" is in the beginning. It may be helpful to specify who Erin is talking to or establish the new character before introducing their dialogue.

Second, the line "Yeah, well -- good help is hard to find" feels a bit forced and out of character for George. It's not entirely clear what he means by it and it doesn't quite fit with his generally kind demeanor.

Finally, the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional arc. It's a lot of moving from place to place and having conversations with different people, but there isn't a clear sense of how Erin is feeling or what she's grappling with. Adding more depth to her character's journey and inner conflict would make the scene more impactful.
Suggestions 1. Add more conflict and tension to the scene. Right now, it feels too simple and straightforward. Perhaps have Erin struggle with convincing Donna and Pete to sign the release forms or have George express more frustration or anger towards Erin.

2. Develop the relationship between Erin and George further. Right now, their interaction feels a bit forced and predictable. Maybe add some backstory or more emotional depth to their conversation.

3. Consider cutting down on the unnecessary details and information in the scene. While it's important to establish the locations and actions, it can distract from the emotional weight of the scene. Focus more on the dialogue and character interactions.

4. Utilize more visual storytelling techniques to enhance the scene. Show more close-ups or camera angles to emphasize the emotions and reactions of the characters.

5. Add a stronger sense of urgency or stakes to the scene. Right now, it feels like Erin is simply going through the motions of getting signatures. Consider adding a deadline or time constraint to the overall task to amplify the tension.



Scene 37 -  Confrontation with Embry
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. ERIN'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON ERIN, fast asleep at the table, her face pressed
against the linoleum. There's some NOISE in the room,
WHISPERING. Erin stirs and looks around to see George behind
her, diapering Beth, while Matt and Katie put their shoes on.

ERIN
What time is it?

GEORGE
Real early. We're just gonna take your car
to get some breakfast.

Erin forces herself awake.

ERIN
No, I need my car --

GEORGE
We'll just be a minute. Get a little more
sleep.

He picks up Beth, takes Katie's hand, and calls across the
room to Matthew.

GEORGE
C'mon, pal. Leave that alone, we gotta go.

Erin turns to see Matthew holding one of her release forms.

ERIN
Oh, baby, please don't play with that, okay?
I got 'em all organized. Just put it back.

But he's reading it. And something has caught his attention.
He looks up at Erin.

MATTHEW
This girl's the same age as me.
Erin gently takes the form away from Matthew, wanting to
shield him from the harsh realities of this case.

ERIN
That's right, sweetheart.

She replaces the form on top of the stack.

MATTHEW
She's one of the sick people?

ERIN
Yeah. She is.
(beat)
But you know what? That's why I'm helping
her. So she can get some medicine to make
her feel better.

Matthew mulls this over a bit more.

MATTHEW
How come her own mom isn't helping her?

ERIN
Cause her own mom's real sick, too.

Matthew thinks real hard about this, then heads over to the
door, where George, Beth, and Katie are waiting for him.
Before he leaves, though, he turns back to Erin.

MATTHEW
Maybe we'll bring you back some breakfast.
You want eggs?

She looks at the group of them, feels their shift toward
acceptance. Smiles, moved.

ERIN
Eggs'd be great, baby. Eggs'd be perfect.

INT. ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

Erin's driving along a dusty Hinkley road, eating cold eggs
out of a take-out container with her fingers.

EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY

Morning. A GROUP OF MEN are arriving at work. Erin's truck
pulls up. She grabs some release forms from the truck and
wanders up to the men.
ERIN
Hey, y'all. How you all doing today?

INT. THE BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

She tosses eight more agreements in the signed stack.

EXT. HINKLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Morning drop-off time. Erin is handing out release forms zo
a GROUP of MOTHERS who just dropped off their kids.

EXT. HINKLEY MART - NIGHT

Erin is leaning on the hood of her truck, going down her list
of plaintiffs, checking off the ones who have already signed.

INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - DAY

Another day. Erin has set up shop here and is at a table
with about FIVE PLAINTIFFS, all reading agreements. MIKE
AMBROSINO enters. Erin spots him.

ERIN
Mike! I been looking all over for you.
Come here, I wanna talk to you.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - NIGHT

The signed stack is getting bigger.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

And bigger.

INT. BACK OF ERIN'S TRUCK - DAY

And still bigger.

EXT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

CLOSE ON ERIN'S TRUNK. A bunch more forms get thrown onto
the signed stack, which is now much higher than the unsigned.

ERIN (O.S.)
I'm gonna head out to Barstow and talk to
some folks out there tonight.

WIDEN TO REVEAL Erin talking on a nearby pay phone.

GEORGE (O.S.)
Promise you'll turn around if you get tired.
ERIN
I will. Bye.

She hangs up. As she turns to get into her car, she finds
herself face-to-face with the Man in the Dark Glasses.

ERIN
Jesus!

He's just standing there, a foot away, blocking her exit.
She recognizes his truck as the one that chased her.

ERIN
Okay, what're you gonna do? You gonna kill
me? Dump my body in a ditch somewhere? Or
maybe you just wanna inject me with some
poison too -- why change tactics at this
stage of the game?
(beat)
Get outta my way, you make me sick.

She pushes past him. But he grabs her by the arm. He's a
big guy; it's a strong grab. Now she's scared. For a
moment, he does nothing. Just looks at her. Then:

DARK GLASSES
If PG&E made someone destroy a whole lot of
documents -- would that matter to you?

Erin takes a beat, realizing she completely misread him. She
gently pulls her arm away.

ERIN
Well ... I guess that depends on what the
documents were.
(she takes a beat)
I'm sorry -- I didn't get your name.

DARK GLASSES
Embry. Charles Embry.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin is confronted by Charles Embry, the man who chased her earlier. She initially thinks he wants to harm her, but he instead asks if evidence that PG&E destroyed documents would matter. Erin gently pulls away and asks for his name.
Strengths "The tension built up by Erin's initial fear and the reveal that Embry has information important to her case."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more visual description."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written. The dialogue is natural and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and developing the characters. The use of action and description also helps to create tension and suspense in the scene. The only suggestion I would make is to clarify the setting and surroundings better, as it can be difficult to envision exactly where the characters are at times.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene lacks a clear objective and conflict. Erin is simply going around collecting signatures, but there is no clear obstacle or tension to drive the scene forward. One suggestion would be to introduce a specific challenge for Erin to face, such as encountering resistance from a plaintiff who initially agreed to sign but now has changed their mind.

Additionally, there is an opportunity to add more depth to Erin's character. Perhaps she could express some doubts or internal conflict about the case, giving the audience a chance to see her vulnerability and emotional investment in the outcome.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual and sensory detail. Rather than simply describing the characters' actions and dialogue, incorporate more specific imagery to bring the scene to life and immerse the audience in the world of the story.



Scene 38 -  Erin Delivers Evidence of Contamination
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LOST CAUSE SALOON - NIGHT

Erin and Embry are the only patrons. Erin's eating a burger.
Embry has a beer. He's talking quietly, not looking at her.

EMBRY
I was working in the compressor, and out of
nowhere the supervisor calls me up to the
office and says, we're gonna give you a
shredder machine, and send you on down to
the warehouse. We want you to get rid of
all the documents stored out there.

ERIN
Did he say why?

EMBRY
Nope. And I didn't ask.

ERIN
Did you get a look at the stuff you
destroyed?

EMBRY
Well, it's pretty boring work, shredding --
you gotta find some way to entertain your
mind. So yeah, I took a look.

ERIN
And ...?

EMBRY
There was a lot of dull stuff -- vacation
schedules, the like.
(beat)
But then there were a few memos about the
holding ponds. The water in them. They had
readings from test wells, stuff like that.

Erin tries to hide her excitement at this information.

ERIN
And you were told to destroy those?

EMBRY
That's right.

Destruction of evidence. Pretty big deal. Erin plays it
down. Wipes her mouth with her napkin, takes a sip of beer.

EMBRY
Course as it turns out, I'm not a very good
employee.

ERIN
What do you mean?

EMBRY
Well. There were a few documents that I
somehow didn't get around to shredding.
(beat)
That I kept instead.
Erin stops, mid-bite.

INT. EMBRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT

He's dug out an inch-high stack of documents. Erin looks
them over, stunned. Embry is standing apart from her, hands
shoved deep in his pockets.

ERIN
How come you didn't say anything when you
found these things?

EMBRY
At the time, I thought, I got six kids, some
of 'em want to go to college. I can't
afford to lose my job. I told myself I was
being honorable.
(beat)
But there's nothing honorable in what I did.
(beat)
Maybe that's why they picked me for the job.
Maybe they knew what kind of man I was.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Rosalind is at the desk. Anna, Brenda, and Jane are helping
themselves to coffee. Erin enters, with a big box in her
arms and a whole lot of attitude.

ERIN
Hey, Ros, where are they?

ROSALIND
In the conference --

But Erin's spotted them and headed off before Rosalind can
finish. Anna, Brenda and Jane notice the purpose in her
gait. They watch her with interest.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The table is covered with boxes of documents: the anticipated
slew of paper that PG&E is sending them. Ed, Kurt, Theresa,
Andrew and ABOUT FIVE PARALEGALS are sifting through them.

Erin breezes in like sunshine.

ERIN
Morning!

ED
Erin? What are you --

ERIN
(ignoring Ed)
You know what, Mr. Potter? I completely
forgot your birthday this year. And seeing
as how you've been so good to me, I think
that is a terrible oversight. So what I
been doing over the last few days is I've
been putting together a present for you.

She plunks the box down on the table. Potter opens the top
of the box. Looks in.

ERIN
635. They all signed. Every single one.

IN THE DOORWAY, Anna, Brenda and Jane appear, wondering
what's up. A huge smile of appreciation slowly spreads
across Ed's face.

ED
Ho - ly - shit.

ERIN
Oh, now don't get all jealous, Ed. I got a
little something for you, too.

Erin hands Ed a manila envelope. He opens it.

ERIN
Internal PG&E documents, all about the
contamination. The one I like best says,
and I'm paraphrasing here, but it says yes,
the water's poisonous, but it'd be better
for all involved if this matter wasn't
discussed with the neighbors. It's to the
Hinkley station, from PG&E Headquarters.
Stamped received, March, 1966.

Potter and Theresa reel. Ed shakes his head in disbelief.

POTTER
Where did -- how did you do this?

ERIN
Well, what with me not having any brains or
legal expertise, I just went on up there and
performed sexual favors. 635 blow jobs in
five days. Whew, am I ever tired.

And she struts out of the room, leaving everyone slack-jawed.
The CLIP CLIP CLIP of her heels carry her away.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Embry tells Erin that he was instructed to destroy documents, including ones about contaminated holding ponds, but he kept some instead. Erin is stunned when Embry shows her the documents he kept. Later, Erin arrives at Masry & Vititoe where they are sifting through documents from PG&E and delivers a present to Ed and exposes internal PG&E documents about the contamination.
Strengths "The scene delivers a strong emotional impact and builds tension through Erin discovering the evidence of contamination. It also shows her intelligence and determination as she delivers crucial evidence to the law firm."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is unrealistic and exaggerated for effect, which can detract from the authenticity of the scene."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene positively. It effectively reveals plot details, character development, and creates a sense of suspense. The dialogue is natural and believable, and it flows nicely. The scene also effectively incorporates humor, which lightens the mood and keeps the audience engaged. The final line is a particularly strong example of this. However, one minor critique is that the transition between the different locations could be made clearer for the audience. Overall, the scene is well-crafted and engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the character motivations: It's not entirely clear why Erin is so excited about Embry's documents. Adding a line or two about why this information is important to her, or what she plans to do with it, can help make the scene resonate more with viewers.

2. Add more conflict: If possible, try to add in some tension or conflict between Erin and the others in the scene. Right now, she's mostly just announcing what she's produced, and everyone is impressed. But if there's more disagreement or pushback, it can make the scene more engaging.

3. Work on the humor: The last line, where Erin jokes about performing sexual favors, feels a bit out of place with the rest of the scene. If humor is important to the tone of the film, try to weave it more consistently throughout the dialogue, rather than just using it as a throwaway line at the end.



Scene 39 -  Success and Celebration
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. MASRY & VITITOE BUILDING, HALLWAY - DAY

Erin comes out of the office, flushed with success, and heads
down the hall. She presses the elevator button. The doors
open. As she steps on, Ed comes out of the office.

ED
Hey!

Erin puts her hand in the door, keeping it from closing. He
stares at her, in awe.

ED
I don't know what to say.

ERIN
Say you were wrong.

ED
I was wrong.

ERIN
Say you shortchanged me and you shortchanged
yourself.

ED
I did. Both.

ERIN
Say you'd be the luckiest son of a bitch on
Earth if I didn't up and quit over all this.

ED
The luckiest son of a bitch in the universe,
Erin. The luckiest son of a bitch in
history.

He looks down the hall at her, standing so tall and proud in
the elevator. He walks toward her, stops right outside the
elevator.

ED
But I know you're not gonna quit on me.

ERIN
How do you know that?

ED
(with a smile)
Cause you got a little voice in your head
saying, do the right thing. Give him
another chance.

Of course she will. She releases her hand so he won't see
her smiling. Ed watches the doors close.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PCH - DAY

One of those days when the bay sparkles like a glitter ball.

Erin's Chevy moves up the PCH. DISCO music emanates from it.

INT. ERIN'S CHEVY - DAY

Erin's at the wheel. Time has passed -- her hair's a little
different. She's singing along with "Funky Town."

EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT - DAY

Erin gets out of her new truck, looks, sees the Irvings in a
little cluster. Donna's under an umbrella. Pete is
slathering on sunscreen. The two girls zip out toward the
water. Erin waves. Pete and Donna spot her, wave back.

EXT. BEACH - LATER

Donna is standing at the edge of the water, watching her
girls boogie board in. Erin comes up behind her.

ERIN
How you feeling today?

Donna turns, sees her. Smiles.

DONNA
It's a good day. I feel good.

ERIN
Well, then -- if you're feeling up to it,
maybe we should talk shop.

Erin sits down on a rock.

ERIN
The judge came up with a number.

DONNA
A number for the whole group, or for us?

ERIN
Both.

Donna sits down next to her.

ERIN
He's making them pay the maximum.

Tears of vindication spring to Donna's eyes.

DONNA
Oh, my God.

ERIN
And he's making them give five million of it
to you all.

DONNA
Five million dollars?

ERIN
Five million dollars.

She reels. After a breathless beat:

DONNA
I don't even know how much money that is.

ERIN
It's enough -- for whatever you need, for
whatever your girls need, for whatever your
girls' girls need -- it'll be enough.

Donna wipes the tears off her face, then watches the light
flickering off her girls playing in the surf.

DONNA
I can put them in a good school.

ERIN
Any school you want.

DONNA
And get someone to help around the house.

ERIN
Yup.

DONNA
Oh my God. Oh my God.

Donna is overwhelmed. Erin pulls her close.
DONNA
Oh, my God.

EXT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Now this is where the hot lawyers work. A gleaming testament
to power.

INT. MASRY & VITITOE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY

Boxes everywhere. They just moved in. Everyone is unpacking
at his or her desk. Rosalind is manning the new phones.

ROSALIND
Masry & Vititoe, can I -- shoot!

She lost them. Her reaction indicates this isn't the first
time. The front doors open and Erin enters.

ERIN
Hey, Ros. Nice view, huh?

ROSALIND
Yeah, I'm gonna start sleeping here.
(into phone)
Masry & Vititoe, can I -- damn it.
(calling out)
Does anyone know anything about these
phones?

Erin heads on down a hall to:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Erin achieves success in her landmark case and celebrates with her colleagues. She also informs Donna of the favorable outcome of the case and offers her financial advice.
Strengths "The scene showcases Erin's accomplishments as she finally receives the compensation she deserves. The scene also brings closure to the case and provides a sense of relief for the victims of the contaminated water. The dialogue between Erin and Donna is emotional and heartwarming."
Weaknesses "There is no significant conflict in the scene, and it ends on a celebratory note without any further character development."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and provides a satisfying conclusion to the storyline. However, there are a few areas where it can be improved:

1. Dialogue: The dialogue is a bit on the nose, particularly when Erin asks Ed to say that he was wrong and shortchanged her. It feels a little too forced and could benefit from some subtlety.

2. Emotions: While the scene delivers on the emotional payoff, it could have been more effective if the characters' emotions were developed more throughout the film. The audience knows that Donna has been wronged but doesn't get much of a chance to connect with her or understand her until this scene.

3. Pacing: The scene moves quickly, jumping from the elevator exchange to the beach to the new office. It could benefit from slowing down and taking more time to develop the characters and their emotions.

Overall, the scene does a good job of tying up loose ends and delivering a satisfying ending, but there are some areas that could benefit from improvement.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI language model, there are a few suggestions that I could provide to improve the scene:

- For the first part of the scene, where Erin and Ed talk in the hallway, it might benefit from having more specific body language and facial expressions to depict their emotions accurately.
- When Erin sings along with "Funky Town" in her car, it could be more impactful if it conveys a sense of liberation, as she has just achieved a significant win and is moving forward in her life.
- As Erin talks with Donna, the emotions could be enhanced not just through dialogue but also through actions like a hug or sharing a drink or snack. This would help provide a clearer sense of their bond and trust with each other.
- Lastly, as Erin enters the new office space, there might be a chance to show more of the surroundings and visually establish the new office's vibe through the decor and aesthetics. This would help the audience connect better with what's going on in the scene.



Scene 40 -  The Office Bonus
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. ED'S NEW OFFICE - DAY

A beautiful corner office. Ed is unpacking when Erin enters.

ERIN
Careful you don't spit from here; you could
kill someone.

ED
You see your office?

ERIN
Yeah. Yours is nicer.

ED
Oh, okay. Here it comes.

ERIN
Here what comes?
ED
The extortion, the threats ...

ERIN
I wasn't gonna --

ED
"I can always find someplace else to work.
Someplace that'll pay me a fortune and give
me a view of the French Riviera ..."

ERIN
Ed, I swear, I'm not --

ED
Okay, fine. Fine You backed me into a
corner again. You're holding me hostage ...

He reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a check. Hands
it to her.

ERIN
What is that?

ED
Take it.

Erin does. Looks at it. Her eyes bug out.

ERIN
Two million dollars?

ED
The firm took in sixty. That's three
percent. Seemed like a fair bonus to me.

She stares at it, speechless. He goes back to unpacking

ED
Oh, now I suppose you're gonna say it's not
enough. Well, tough, Erin. Too goddamn
bad. Cause this is absolutely, positively
where I draw the line.

FADE OUT.

THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ed gives Erin a two million dollar bonus, which surprises her. Ed jokes about Erin holding him hostage for a raise.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and entertaining. The scene shows the power dynamic between Ed and Erin."
Weaknesses "There isn't much plot progression in this scene. The conflict is minimal, and the emotional impact is low."
Critique Overall, the scene is reasonably well-written, with good dialogue and a clear conflict between the two characters. However, there are a few elements that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the scene lacks visual description. While it is clear that the office is beautiful and that Ed is unpacking, more detail about the environment would help to bring the scene to life and create a more immersive experience for the audience.

Secondly, there is a lack of emotional depth. While the conflict between the two characters is clear, we are not given much insight into their motivations or feelings. Adding more subtext and emotional nuance would make the scene more engaging and give the characters more depth.

Finally, the resolution feels a little too convenient. The fact that Ed hands Erin a two million dollar check out of the blue feels unrealistic and undermines the tension of the scene. If their conflict had been resolved in a more subtle or unexpected way, the payoff would have been more satisfying for the audience.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has good dialogue and a strong resolution. However, there are a few suggestions that could enhance it:

1. Set the scene: While "A beautiful corner office" gives a basic description, it could be improved by adding more details to better visualize the setting. For example, "The office is spacious and elegantly furnished, with floor-to-ceiling windows offering a panoramic view of the city skyline."

2. Add more action: The scene could benefit from more physical action to break up the dialogue. For example, rather than having Ed just unpacking throughout the scene, he could be actively setting up his new office, hanging pictures, or struggling with a difficult piece of furniture.

3. Build suspense: The tension between Ed and Erin is implied but could be made more palpable with a few more hints earlier in the dialogue. For example, Erin could ask questions or make comments that suggest she's building up to something, leading the audience to wonder what she might do.

4. Consider the pacing: The dialogue moves quickly, which is good, but it might be helpful to add a beat or two in between some of the lines to give the actors breathing room and prevent it from feeling rushed.

By incorporating these suggestions, the scene could be more visually interesting, suspenseful, and emotionally impactful.