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Scene 1 -  Bud's Humorous Introduction to Corporate Life
The Apartment
by
Billy Wilder
&
I.A.L. Diamond
Converted by D'Bear for pdfscreenplays.net

FADE IN:
A DESK COMPUTER
A man's hand is punching out a series of figures on the
keyboard.
BUD (V.O.)
On November first, 1959, the
population of New York City was if
you laid all these people end to
end, figuring an average height of
five feet six and a half inches,
they would reach from Times Square
to the outskirts of Karachi,
Pakistan. I know facts like this
because I work for an insurance
company --
THE INSURANCE BUILDING - A WET, FALL DAY
It's a big mother, covering a square block in lower
Manhattan, all glass and aluminum, jutting into the leaden
sky.
BUD (V.O.)
-- Consolidated Life of New York.
We are one of the top five
companies in the country -- last
year we wrote nine-point-three
billion dollars worth of policies.
Our home office has 31,259
employees -- which is more than the
entire population of Natchez,
Mississippi, of Gallup, New Mexico.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene opens with Bud's voice-over narration as he humorously shares facts about New York City's population in 1959 while typing at his desk in an insurance company. He highlights the size and achievements of Consolidated Life of New York, setting a light-hearted tone and establishing his character as detail-oriented. The scene transitions to an exterior shot of the company's imposing building on a rainy day, emphasizing the corporate environment. Bud's witty commentary continues, drawing the audience into his world without any conflict.
Strengths
  • Effective use of voice-over narration
  • Detailed setting establishment
  • Engaging introduction to protagonist's occupation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively establishes the setting, the protagonist's occupation, and the tone of the screenplay. It engages the audience with interesting facts and a reflective tone, setting the stage for potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of using detailed facts and statistics to introduce the protagonist and his workplace is unique and engaging. It sets the scene for potential conflicts and character development, hinting at the themes of corporate life and personal identity.

Plot: 8

While the scene focuses more on setting up the world and the protagonist's job, it hints at potential plot developments related to the insurance company and the protagonist's role within it. It lays the groundwork for future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting corporate life through the protagonist's statistical musings and dry humor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene introduces the protagonist, Bud, through his voice-over narration and his work at the insurance company. While not delving deeply into character development, it sets the stage for exploring Bud's personality and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There are minimal character changes in this scene, as it primarily serves to introduce the protagonist and his environment. However, it hints at potential growth and challenges for the character in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish his identity and place within the corporate world. He seeks validation and purpose in his job, reflecting deeper needs for recognition and success.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the corporate hierarchy and excel in his role at the insurance company. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of proving himself in a competitive environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on establishing the setting and the protagonist's occupation. However, it hints at potential conflicts related to corporate dynamics and personal struggles.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that hint at future conflicts and obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

While the scene does not present immediate high stakes, it hints at the importance of the protagonist's job and the challenges he may face in the corporate world. The potential for high stakes is subtly introduced.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the protagonist's world and potential conflicts within the insurance company. It sets the stage for future developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected juxtaposition of statistical facts with personal reflections, creating a sense of intrigue and complexity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to reconcile his individual identity with the demands of corporate conformity. It challenges his beliefs about personal fulfillment and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly through the reflective tone and the protagonist's introspective narration. While not highly emotional, it sets a contemplative mood for the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is informative and sets the tone for the scene. It effectively conveys the protagonist's job and the corporate environment he is in. While not highly emotional or dramatic, it serves its purpose well.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, observational detail, and thematic depth. The protagonist's voice-over narration draws the audience into his world and challenges.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively balances the protagonist's introspective narration with visual cues of the corporate environment, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between settings and a balance of dialogue and descriptive elements.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively establishing the protagonist's world and goals through a combination of voice-over narration and visual description.


Critique
  • This opening scene effectively establishes the protagonist, Bud Baxter, through voice-over narration, immediately conveying his personality as a detail-oriented, somewhat quirky individual with a dry sense of humor. The use of statistics about New York City's population and the insurance company serves to hook the audience with an unusual, fact-based anecdote, which is a clever way to introduce Bud's analytical mindset and his job at Consolidated Life. However, the heavy reliance on voice-over for exposition might feel overly expository, potentially distancing viewers who prefer more visual storytelling, as it tells rather than shows much of the information. The transition from the close-up of the typing hand to the exterior shot of the building is functional but could be more dynamic to better immerse the audience in the corporate world, perhaps by incorporating more subtle visual cues that foreshadow the story's themes of impersonality and routine.
  • The scene successfully sets the tone for a comedy-drama by blending humor with mundane details, mirroring the film's overall style. Bud's voice-over, describing the company's size in comparison to small towns, humorously underscores the dehumanizing aspect of corporate life, which is a key theme in the screenplay. That said, the rapid-fire delivery of facts and figures risks overwhelming the audience, making the scene feel like an info-dump rather than an engaging introduction. This could dilute the emotional connection to Bud, as the focus on statistics might prioritize world-building over character development at a point where viewers are just meeting the protagonist. Additionally, while the wet, fall day exterior shot adds atmosphere, it doesn't fully capitalize on cinematic elements to build tension or intrigue, such as showing glimpses of Bud's isolation within the vast corporate structure.
  • As the first scene in a 60-scene screenplay, it accomplishes the essential task of orienting the audience to the setting and protagonist, but it lacks a strong hook that teases the central conflict. The voice-over hints at Bud's life beyond the office through his job-related knowledge, but it doesn't immediately suggest the personal struggles (like the apartment issues) that drive the plot, which might leave viewers wondering when the story will engage on a more emotional level. The visual elements, such as the close-up of the typing hand and the building exterior, are standard and serviceable, but they could be enhanced to create a more vivid sense of place and character, ensuring that the scene not only informs but also emotionally invests the audience from the start. Overall, while the scene is competent in establishing the corporate environment, it could benefit from tighter pacing and a better balance between exposition and visual engagement to make it more compelling and memorable.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual elements to complement the voice-over, such as intercutting shots of Bud at his desk or colleagues in the office, to make the exposition feel more integrated and less monologue-heavy, helping to show Bud's daily life rather than just telling about it.
  • Shorten the list of statistics in the voice-over to focus on one or two key facts that best illustrate Bud's character and the company's scale, allowing the humor to land more effectively and maintaining a brisker pace to keep the audience engaged.
  • Add a subtle foreshadowing element, like a brief cut to Bud glancing at his watch or a personal item on his desk that hints at his apartment troubles, to create intrigue and connect the opening to the larger story without revealing too much.
  • Enhance the cinematic transition between the interior close-up and the exterior shot by using sound design or a smoother camera move to emphasize the contrast between Bud's individual actions and the imposing corporate world, making the scene more visually dynamic.
  • Consider revising the dialogue in the voice-over to include a personal anecdote or emotional undercurrent that humanizes Bud earlier, such as a wry comment about how these facts are his way of coping with loneliness, to deepen the audience's connection to him from the outset.



Scene 2 -  Lonely Routine
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR
Acres of gray steel desk, gray steel filing cabinets, and
steel-gray faces under indirect light. One wall is lined
with glass-enclosed cubicles for the supervisory personnel.
It is all very neat, antiseptic, impersonal. The only human
tough is supplied by a bank of IBM machines, clacking away
cheerfully in the background.
BUD (V.O.)
I work on the nineteenth floor --
Ordinary Policy Department -
Premium Accounting Division -
Section W -- desk number 861.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DESK 861
Like every other desk, it has a small name plate attached to
the side. This one reads C.C. BAXTER.
BUD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My name is C.C. Baxter - C. for
Calvin, C. for Clifford -- however,
most people call me Bud. I've been
with Consolidated Life for three
years and ten months. I started in
the branch office in Cincinnati,
then transferred to New York. My
take-home pay is $94.70 a week, and
there are the usual fringe
benefits.
BAXTER is about thirty, serious, hard-working, unobtrusive.
He wears a Brooks Brothers type suit, which he bought
somewhere on Seventh Avenue, upstairs. There is a stack of
perforated premium cards in front of him, and he is totaling
them on the computing machine. He looks off.
ELECTRIC WALL CLOCK
It shows 5:19. With a click, the minute hand jumps to 5:20,
and a piercing bell goes off.
BUD (V.O.)
The hours in our department are to
5:20 --
FULL SHOT - OFFICE
Instantly all work stops. Papers are being put away,
typewriters and computing machines are covered, and everybody
starts clearing out. Within ten seconds, the place is empty -
- except for Bud Baxter, still bent over his work, marooned
in a sea of abandoned desks.
BUD (V.O.)
-- they're staggered by floors, so
that sixteen elevators can handle
the 31,259 employees without a
serious traffic jam. As for
myself, I very often stay on at the
office and work for an extra hour
or two -- especially when the
weather is bad. It's not that I'm
overly ambitious -- it's just a way
of killing time, until it's all
right for me to go home.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You see, I have this little problem
with my apartment --
DISSOLVE TO:
STREET IN THE WEST SIXTIES - EVENING
Bud, wearing a weather-beaten Ivy League raincoat and a
narrow-brimmed brown hat, comes walking slowly down the
street skirting the puddles on the sidewalk. He stops in
front of a converted brownstone, looks up.
BUD (V.O.)
I live in the West Sixties - just
half a block from Central Park. My
rent is $84 a month. It used to be
eighty until last July when Mrs.
Lieberman, the landlady, put in a
second-hand air conditioning unit.
The windows on the second floor are lit, but the shades are
drawn. From inside drifts the sound of cha cha music.
BUD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It's a real nice apartment -
nothing fancy -- but kind of cozy --
just right for a bachelor. The only
problem is - I can't always get in
when I want to.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In Scene 2, Bud Baxter, a 30-year-old employee at Consolidated Life, narrates his mundane life working in the Ordinary Policy Department. As he stays late at the sterile office, the clock strikes 5:20 PM, signaling the end of the workday for his colleagues, leaving him alone. Bud walks home in the rain, reflecting on his cozy yet problematic apartment, which he struggles to access freely. The scene captures his isolation and the monotony of corporate life, ending with him standing outside his apartment building, hinting at deeper personal issues.
Strengths
  • Effective character introduction
  • Blend of humor and melancholy
  • Detailed setting description
Weaknesses
  • Low immediate conflict level
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively establishes the protagonist's character, his daily routine, and his inner conflicts, blending humor with a sense of melancholy. The detailed setting and the unique perspective on the insurance industry make it engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of juxtaposing the protagonist's mundane office life with his personal struggles is intriguing and sets the stage for character development. The scene effectively introduces the central themes of identity and loneliness.

Plot: 8

The plot is subtly advanced through the introduction of the protagonist's daily routine and his apartment dilemma, hinting at future conflicts and character growth. The scene lays a solid foundation for the narrative to unfold.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique blend of corporate office setting with personal struggles, offering a fresh perspective on the theme of loneliness and alienation in a modern, bureaucratic world. The authenticity of Baxter's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially the protagonist, are well-defined through their actions and inner thoughts. Bud Baxter is portrayed as a complex individual balancing between conformity and personal desires, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there is subtle character development in terms of revealing the protagonist's inner conflicts and coping mechanisms, significant changes are yet to occur. The scene sets the stage for potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Baxter's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to cope with his personal struggles and loneliness, as indicated by his dedication to work long hours and his mention of a 'little problem' with his apartment. This reflects his deeper need for connection and fulfillment in his personal life.

External Goal: 7.5

Baxter's external goal is to navigate the challenges of his work environment, such as the strict office hours and his dedication to his job. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances he faces in balancing his professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal in this scene, focusing on the protagonist's inner struggles and the contrast between his public and private personas. While subtle, it sets the stage for future conflicts to arise.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty about Baxter's future decisions and actions, particularly regarding his personal struggles and dedication to work.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the protagonist's personal dilemmas and internal conflicts. However, the setup hints at potential higher stakes to come, adding intrigue to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the protagonist's daily routine, personal struggles, and the setting, laying the groundwork for future events and character arcs to unfold.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces personal conflicts and struggles in a corporate setting, blending elements of drama and introspection that keep the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of Baxter's personal struggles and the impersonal, corporate world he inhabits. This challenges his values of hard work and dedication against his need for personal fulfillment and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for the protagonist's lonely existence and his coping mechanisms. The blend of humor and melancholy creates an emotional resonance that draws the audience into Bud Baxter's world.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue, both spoken and in voice-over, effectively conveys the protagonist's wit, introspection, and dry humor. It enhances the characterization and sets the tone for the narrative.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in Baxter's world, evoking empathy for his struggles and creating intrigue about his personal life and work dynamics.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and establishes the contrast between Baxter's personal life and work environment. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact of his struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-presented.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively introduces the setting, characters, and Baxter's internal and external goals. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively continues the voice-over narration from Scene 1, maintaining a consistent tone and building on Bud's character as a detail-oriented, somewhat isolated employee. This helps establish the corporate environment and Bud's daily routine, which is crucial for grounding the audience in the story's world early on. However, the heavy reliance on voice-over makes the scene feel overly expository, telling rather than showing key details about Bud's background, job, and personal life. This can distance viewers, as it prioritizes monologue over visual storytelling, potentially reducing emotional engagement in an early scene that should hook the audience.
  • The visual description of the office is vivid and atmospheric, portraying a sterile, impersonal corporate space that contrasts with Bud's quirky narration, which adds humor and insight into his personality. This contrast helps characterize Bud as an everyman figure in a dehumanizing environment, but the scene lacks dynamic action or conflict. Bud is shown working alone after hours, which reinforces his isolation, but without interpersonal interactions or tension, the scene feels static and slow-paced, risking audience disinterest in a screenplay that needs to build momentum across 60 scenes.
  • The transition to the street scene via dissolve is smooth and serves to introduce the personal conflict with Bud's apartment, creating intrigue and foreshadowing future plot points. However, the voice-over dominates here as well, explaining Bud's issues rather than letting the visuals and sound design (like the cha cha music and lit windows) carry more weight. This could make the scene less immersive, as the audience is told about Bud's 'little problem' instead of experiencing it through subtle, cinematic cues that might evoke curiosity and empathy more effectively.
  • Bud's character development is solid in terms of establishing his work ethic and loneliness, but it relies too heavily on narration and description rather than shown behavior. For instance, while we learn he's 'serious and hard-working,' this is stated rather than demonstrated through actions, such as his meticulous handling of premium cards or his reluctance to leave the office. In a romantic comedy-drama like this, early scenes should make the protagonist more relatable and sympathetic, which could be achieved by adding small, revealing moments that show his personality without voice-over.
  • The tone remains humorous and light-hearted, mirroring Scene 1, which helps maintain consistency, but the scene could better balance this with subtle hints of underlying tension, such as Bud's apartment issues. The ending tease with the cha cha music and drawn shades is effective for building suspense, but it's undercut by the voice-over, which explicitly states the problem. This might make the foreshadowing feel heavy-handed, reducing the mystery and emotional impact for viewers who are already aware of the script's direction from the summary.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling to reduce reliance on voice-over; for example, show Bud's dedication through actions like carefully organizing his desk or glancing at the clock with resignation, allowing the audience to infer his routine without narration.
  • Add brief interactions with other characters in the office, such as a coworker saying a quick goodbye or a supervisor nodding approvingly, to make the scene more dynamic and reveal Bud's relationships, enhancing character development and pacing.
  • Strengthen the transition between the office and street scenes by using more fluid cinematic techniques, like a tracking shot or crossfade, and let the visuals (e.g., rain-slicked streets, Bud's weary walk) convey his isolation, with voice-over used sparingly to heighten rather than explain the mood.
  • Show Bud's personal conflict with his apartment through behavioral cues in the street scene, such as him hesitating before approaching the building or reacting to the music with a sigh, to make the foreshadowing more subtle and engaging, drawing the audience in emotionally.
  • Balance the humorous tone with moments of quiet introspection; for instance, cut back on expository voice-over details about Bud's pay and tenure, and instead use them in dialogue or internal monologue later, allowing this scene to focus on establishing atmosphere and intrigue for better flow into subsequent scenes.



Scene 3 -  A Cha Cha and a Martini
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING
What used to be the upstairs parlor of a one-family house in
the early 1900's has been chopped up into living room,
bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. The wallpaper is faded, the
carpets are threadbare, and the upholstered furniture could
stand shampooing.
There are lots of books, a record player, stacks of records,
a television set (21 inches and 24 payments), unframed prints
from the Museum of Modern Art (Picasso, Braque, Klee) tacked
up on the walls. Only one lamp is lit, for mood, and a cha
cha record is spinning around on the phonograph.
On the coffee table in front of the couch are a couple of
cocktail glasses, a pitcher with some martini dregs, an
almost empty bottle of vodka, a soup bowl with a few melting
ice cubes at the bottom, some potato chips, an ashtray filled
with cigar stubs and lipstick-stained cigarette butts, and a
woman's handbag.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MR. KIRKEBY, a dapper, middle-aged man, stands in front of
the mirror above the fake fireplace, buttoning up his vest.
He does not notice that the buttons are out of alignment.
KIRKEBY
(calling off)
Come on, Sylvia. It's getting
late.
SYLVIA, a first baseman of a dame, redheaded and saftig,
comes cha cha-ing into the room, trying to fasten a necklace
as she hums along with the music. She dances amorously up to
Kirkeby.
KIRKEBY (CONT’D)
Cut it out, Sylvia. We got to get
out of here.
He helps her with the necklace, then turns off the
phonograph.
SYLVIA
What's the panic? I'm going to
have another martooni.
She crosses to the coffee table, starts to pour the remnants
of the vodka into the pitcher.
KIRKEBY
Please, Sylvia! It's a quarter to
nine!
SYLVIA
(dropping slivers of ice
into the pitcher)
First you can't wait to get me up
here, and now -- rush, rush, rush!
Makes a person feel cheap.
KIRKEBY
Sylvia -- sweetie -- it's not that -
- but I promised the guy I'd be out
of here by eight o'clock,
positively.
SYLVIA
(pouring martini)
What guy? Whose apartment is this,
anyway?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
KIRKEBY
(exasperated)
What's the difference? Some
schnook that works in the office.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a dimly lit apartment filled with remnants of a recent gathering, Mr. Kirkeby anxiously urges Sylvia to get ready to leave, but she playfully resists, dancing and insisting on another martini. Their light-hearted banter reveals a conflict between Kirkeby's urgency and Sylvia's reluctance, culminating in her questioning the ownership of the apartment, which Kirkeby dismissively attributes to an unimportant colleague.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Vivid character portrayal
  • Effective tone setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor with underlying melancholy, providing insight into the characters' lives and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing the office environment with the personal lives of the characters adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot subtly advances through character interactions and hints at potential conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces familiar themes of time pressure and conflicting desires but presents them in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add a layer of complexity to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are vividly portrayed through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their personalities and potential arcs.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant changes in this scene, subtle hints at character growth and conflicts are introduced.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain a sense of control and composure in a situation that is spiraling out of hand. This reflects their need for stability and a desire to uphold a certain image.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to leave the apartment by a certain time, fulfilling a promise made to someone else. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of time constraints and the pressure to keep commitments.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is more internal and subtle, setting the stage for potential conflicts to arise in the future.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged in the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are more personal and internal in this scene, hinting at potential consequences for the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing character dynamics and potential plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unpredictable actions and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty and responsibility conflicting with the desire for personal enjoyment and freedom. This challenges the protagonist's values of loyalty and self-indulgence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from amusement to empathy, creating a nuanced emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and revealing, providing insight into the characters' motivations and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the tension between the characters, and the sense of urgency created by the time constraint.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the reader's interest, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, making the scene easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively sets up the characters, their goals, and the conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • Scene 3 effectively serves as an early expansion of the setup from Scene 2, where Bud's voice-over narration hints at issues with accessing his apartment. This scene visually and dialogically illustrates that problem by showing Mr. Kirkeby and Sylvia using Bud's space for a romantic encounter, reinforcing Bud's status as a passive, exploited character. The description of the apartment—faded wallpaper, threadbare carpets, and eclectic decor—paints a vivid, lived-in atmosphere that contrasts with the sterile office environment established in previous scenes, helping to build a fuller picture of Bud's personal life and the story's themes of loneliness and corporate dehumanization.
  • The dialogue is a strength, feeling natural and revealing character dynamics: Kirkeby's exasperated, evasive responses highlight his self-centered nature, while Sylvia's flirtatious and slightly resentful banter adds humor and shows her as a vivacious but secondary figure. This interaction not only advances the plot by confirming the 'schnook' reference (linking back to Bud) but also maintains the script's light-hearted, comedic tone, making the illicit affair feel playful rather than sinister at this stage. However, the scene relies heavily on exposition through dialogue, which might feel a bit on-the-nose for readers familiar with the setup, as Sylvia's direct question about the apartment owner serves primarily to reiterate information already hinted at in Scene 2.
  • A potential weakness is the lack of visual or physical action beyond the characters' movements; the scene is dialogue-heavy and static, with Kirkeby buttoning his vest and Sylvia dancing being the main actions. This could make it less engaging on screen, as it doesn't fully utilize cinematic elements to heighten tension or emotion. Additionally, while the scene introduces Kirkeby and Sylvia effectively as supporting characters, their roles feel underdeveloped here—they are caricatures (the dapper executive and the robust, flirtatious woman) that serve the plot but lack depth, which might alienate viewers if not built upon later. The tone remains consistent with the script's humor, but the abrupt end to the dialogue could benefit from a smoother transition to tie it more cohesively to Bud's ongoing narration or the next scene.
  • Overall, this scene successfully foreshadows the complications of Bud's apartment-sharing arrangement, which is central to the story's conflict. It helps the audience understand Bud's predicament without his physical presence, creating irony and empathy for him as a character who is absent but affected. However, as an early scene, it risks feeling expository if not balanced with more dynamic elements, and it could be refined to better integrate with the voice-over style from Scenes 1 and 2, ensuring a seamless narrative flow that keeps the audience engaged and curious about Bud's role in these events.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling to break up the dialogue; for example, add subtle actions like Kirkeby glancing at his watch repeatedly or Sylvia playfully twirling around the room to emphasize the cha cha music, making the scene more cinematic and less static.
  • Deepen character moments to add layers; give Sylvia a line that hints at her backstory or emotions beyond flirtation, or have Kirkeby show a flicker of guilt about using Bud's apartment, to make them more relatable and foreshadow their potential impact on the larger story.
  • Tighten the dialogue for efficiency and impact; condense Sylvia's questioning about the apartment owner to avoid redundancy with Scene 2's hints, ensuring it reveals new information or escalates tension, such as by having her suspect something about Bud's identity early on.
  • Enhance the connection to Bud's narration from the previous scene by including a brief cutaway or sound bridge (e.g., fading in the cha cha music from Scene 2) to maintain narrative continuity and reinforce the irony of Bud's situation without his presence.
  • Consider adding a small conflict or twist at the end, like Kirkeby noticing something out of place that could hint at future events, to increase stakes and propel the story forward more dynamically.



Scene 4 -  Secrets in the Rain
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - EVENING
Bud is pacing back and forth, throwing an occasional glance
at the lit windows of his apartment. A middle-aged woman
with a dog on a leash approaches along the sidewalk. She is
MRS. LIEBERMAN, the dog is a Scottie, and they are both
wearing raincoats. Seeing them, Bud leans casually against
the stoop.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
Good evening, Mr. Baxter.
BUD
Good evening, Mrs. Lieberman.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
Some weather we're having. Must be
from all the meshugass at Cape
Canaveral.
(she is half-way up the
steps)
You locked out of your apartment?
BUD
No, no. Just waiting for a friend.
Good night, Mrs. Lieberman.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
Good night, Mr. Baxter.
She and the Scottie disappear into the house. Bud resumes
pacing, his eyes on the apartment windows. Suddenly he stops
-- the lights have gone out.
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING
Kirkeby, in coat and hat, stands in the open doorway of the
darkened apartment.
KIRKEBY
Come on -- come on, Sylvia!
Sylvia comes cha cha-ing out, wearing an imitation Persian
lamb coat, her hat askew on her head, bag, gloves, and an
umbrella in her hand.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SYLVIA
Some setup you got here. A real,
honest-to-goodness love nest.
KIRKEBY
Sssssh.
He locks the door, slips the key under the doormat.
SYLVIA
(still cha cha-ing)
You're one button off, Mr. Kirkeby.
She points to his exposed vest. Kirkeby looks down, sees
that the buttons are out of line. He starts to rebutton them
as they move down the narrow, dimly-lit stairs.
SYLVIA (CONT’D)
You got to watch those things.
Wives are getting smarter all the
time. Take Mr. Bernheim -- in the
Claims Department -- came home one
night with lipstick on his shirt --
told his wife he had a shrimp
cocktail for lunch -- so she took
it out to the lab and had it
analyzed -- so now she has the
house in Great Neck and the
children and the new Jaguar --
KIRKEBY
Don't you ever stop talking?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this comedic evening scene, Bud paces outside a brownstone, engaging in a brief conversation with Mrs. Lieberman, who comments on the weather and Bud's situation. Inside, Kirkeby and Sylvia share a flirtatious exchange as they prepare to leave the apartment, with Kirkeby trying to maintain discretion while Sylvia playfully talks about infidelity. The scene builds tension around their secretive activities, ending with Kirkeby urging Sylvia to quiet down as they descend the stairs.
Strengths
  • Effective contrast between character situations
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Engaging character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively establishes contrasting moods and character dynamics, creating tension and intrigue while providing insight into the characters' lives.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing two different encounters on a rainy evening adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progression in this scene is engaging, with the characters' actions and dialogue hinting at underlying tensions and personal issues that may unfold in the story.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces familiar urban settings and neighborly interactions but adds a twist with the secretive behavior of Kirkeby and Sylvia. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, enhancing the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their personalities and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, subtle hints at personal struggles and tensions suggest potential development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to wait for his friend, as indicated by his pacing and occasional glances at the apartment windows. This reflects his need for companionship or connection, possibly hinting at a deeper desire for meaningful relationships.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it could be inferred as waiting for his friend or potentially dealing with the situation of the lights going out in his apartment building. This reflects the immediate circumstance of his current situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The scene contains moderate conflict, primarily in the form of tension between characters and the underlying personal issues hinted at in their interactions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of conflict arising from the contrasting behaviors of the characters. The audience is left wondering about the implications of Kirkeby and Sylvia's secretive actions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with hints at personal and relational challenges that could impact the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key character dynamics and hints at potential conflicts that may unfold, driving the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it juxtaposes mundane neighborly exchanges with hints of secrecy and intrigue, leaving the audience intrigued about the characters' motivations and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the casual, neighborly interactions of Bud and Mrs. Lieberman versus the secretive, possibly illicit behavior of Kirkeby and Sylvia. This challenges Bud's values of honesty and transparency in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from tension to humor, engaging the audience and creating a sense of intrigue.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and revealing, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene's tension and humor.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the mix of light-hearted neighborly interactions and the mysterious behavior of Kirkeby and Sylvia, keeping the audience curious about the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension through the characters' movements and dialogue, creating a sense of anticipation and curiosity about the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to visualize the scene and understand the character movements and interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The pacing and transitions between locations are well-executed.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the theme of Bud's compromised privacy and sets up the ongoing conflict with his apartment being used by others, which is a key element of the story. The interaction with Mrs. Lieberman adds a touch of humor and world-building, showing the nosy neighbor archetype that could play a larger role in creating tension or comedic relief throughout the film. However, the dialogue feels somewhat formulaic and stereotypical, with Mrs. Lieberman's lines about the weather and Cape Canaveral coming across as contrived attempts at quirkiness rather than organic conversation, which might alienate viewers if not balanced with more authentic exchanges. Visually, the pacing outside the brownstone builds suspense well as Bud waits for Kirkeby and Sylvia to leave, but the transition to the interior landing could be smoother to maintain momentum, as it shifts abruptly without a strong narrative bridge, potentially disrupting the flow for the audience. Additionally, while Sylvia's character is lively and adds comedic energy through her cha-cha dancing and chatter, her anecdote about Mr. Bernheim feels like unnecessary exposition that could be streamlined to avoid bogging down the scene, and it doesn't deeply advance character development or plot in a meaningful way beyond reinforcing the infidelity theme. Overall, the scene serves its purpose in the larger script by escalating Bud's predicament and hinting at future complications, but it could benefit from tighter editing to heighten emotional stakes and make Bud's isolation more poignant, helping viewers empathize with his situation.
  • The use of visual elements in this scene is strong in establishing setting and mood, such as Bud pacing in the rain and the dimly-lit stairs, which evoke a sense of noir-ish tension that fits the film's tone. However, the character interactions lack depth; for instance, Bud's brief exchange with Mrs. Lieberman is polite but superficial, missing an opportunity to reveal more about Bud's personality or his discomfort with the situation. This could make the scene feel like filler rather than a crucial part of the narrative arc. Furthermore, Kirkeby and Sylvia's dialogue, while humorous, relies on broad stereotypes (the nagging woman and the exasperated man), which might not age well and could be updated to show more nuanced relationship dynamics. The ending line, with Kirkeby telling Sylvia to stop talking, provides a comedic punch but doesn't resolve any conflict or push the story forward effectively, leaving the scene feeling somewhat anticlimactic in the context of a 60-scene script where every moment should contribute to building tension or character growth.
  • In terms of pacing, this scene is concise for an early setup scene, clocking in at a reasonable length, but it could be more engaging by incorporating subtle actions or reactions that heighten the stakes. For example, Bud's pacing is a good visual cue for his anxiety, but adding more physicality, like him checking his watch or glancing nervously, could make his internal conflict more vivid. The connection to the previous scene is clear, with the reference to Bud being a 'schnook,' but it might be too reliant on voice-over or prior knowledge, potentially confusing viewers who aren't paying close attention. Additionally, the theme of infidelity and its risks is introduced through Sylvia's story, which is relevant, but it could be integrated more seamlessly to avoid feeling like a info-dump. Overall, while the scene successfully maintains the film's humorous and slightly sardonic tone, it could be elevated by focusing more on Bud's emotional journey, making his role as the unwitting accomplice more sympathetic and central to the audience's understanding of his character development.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; for instance, shorten Mrs. Lieberman's weather comment and integrate it with her suspicion about Bud being locked out to create a quicker, more dynamic exchange that builds curiosity without dragging.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding more subtle details, such as Bud's facial expressions or body language during his pacing to convey his frustration and anxiety more clearly, and ensure smoother transitions between exterior and interior shots to maintain narrative flow.
  • Develop minor characters like Mrs. Lieberman further by giving her a small, recurring role that ties into larger conflicts, such as her potentially discovering the apartment's use and causing complications, to make her appearance more impactful and less throwaway.
  • Refine Sylvia's anecdote to be more concise or tie it directly to Kirkeby's character, perhaps by having her reference something personal to him, to avoid it feeling like generic filler and instead use it to deepen their relationship or add irony to the scene.
  • Increase the emotional stakes for Bud by showing more of his internal conflict through actions or voice-over hints, ensuring that this scene not only sets up the plot but also advances his character arc, making viewers more invested in his journey early on.



Scene 5 -  Shadows and Secrets
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - EVENING
Bud, standing on the sidewalk, sees the front door start to
open. He moves quickly into the areaway, almost bumping into
the ashcans, stands in the shadow of the stoop with his back
turned discreetly toward Kirkeby and Sylvia as they come down
the steps.
KIRKEBY
Where do you live?
SYLVIA
I told you -- with my mother.
KIRKEBY
Where does she live?
SYLVIA
A hundred and seventy-ninth street -
- the Bronx.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
All right -- I'll take you to the
subway.
SYLVIA
Like hell you will. You'll buy me
a cab.
KIRKEBY
Why do all you dames have to live
in the Bronx?
SYLVIA
You mean you bring other girls up
here?
KIRKEBY
Certainly not. I'm a happily
married man.
They move down the street. Bud appears from the areaway,
glances after them, then mounts the steps, goes through the
front door.
INT. VESTIBULE - EVENING
There are eight mailboxes. Bud opens his, takes out a
magazine in a paper wrapper and a few letters, proceeds up
the staircase.
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING
Bud, glancing through his mail, comes up to the door of his
apartment. As he bends down to lift the doormat, the door of
the rear apartment opens and MRS. DREYFUSS, a jovial well-fed
middle-aged woman, puts out a receptacle full of old papers
and empty cans. Bud looks around from his bent position.
BUD
Oh. Hello there, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
MRS. DREYFUSS
Something the matter?
BUD
I seem to have dropped my key.
(faking a little search)
Oh -- here it is.
He slides it out from under the mat, straightens up.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MRS. DREYFUSS
Such a racket I heard in your place
-- maybe you had burglars.
BUD
Oh, you don't have to worry about
that -- nothing in there that
anybody would want to steal...
(unlocking door quickly)
Good night, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
He ducks into the apartment.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Bud hides in the shadows to avoid being seen by Kirkeby and Sylvia as they leave the brownstone. Their conversation reveals Sylvia's Bronx residence and Kirkeby's denial of infidelity. After they depart, Bud retrieves his mail and has a brief, awkward exchange with Mrs. Dreyfuss, who expresses concern about noise in his apartment. Bud fabricates a story about losing his key to deflect her suspicions before entering his apartment to escape further interaction.
Strengths
  • Effective juxtaposition of character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing setup for future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and character dynamics, setting up intrigue and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of juxtaposing Bud's ordinary life with the secretive actions of Kirkeby and Sylvia adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of secretive interactions, hinting at conflicts and hidden agendas.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar urban settings and character dynamics but adds a layer of mystery and tension through Bud's secretive actions and interactions. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals nuances in the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are distinct and engaging, each with their own motivations and secrets, driving the scene's tension and humor.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics set the stage for potential transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and secrecy about his true activities or identity. This reflects his deeper need for privacy, security, and possibly a hidden agenda or lifestyle that he doesn't want others to discover.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to enter his apartment without drawing attention to himself or arousing suspicion from Mrs. Dreyfuss. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his cover and avoiding unwanted scrutiny.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.8

The scene contains subtle conflicts and tensions, hinting at deeper layers of conflict to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in Bud's interactions with Mrs. Dreyfuss and the need to conceal his true intentions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are subtly raised through the secretive actions of Kirkeby and Sylvia, hinting at potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and deepening the intrigue surrounding the characters.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable due to Bud's secretive behavior and the potential risks he faces in maintaining his facade, keeping the audience uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of privacy, appearances, and deception. Bud's need to hide his true intentions clashes with the societal expectations of transparency and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to tension, engaging the audience in the characters' worlds.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals underlying tensions and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension, mystery, and character dynamics that keep the audience intrigued about Bud's true intentions and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, balancing moments of tension with quieter character interactions, creating a rhythm that builds suspense and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to visualize the scene and understand the character movements and interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue sequences. The pacing and transitions are smooth, enhancing the overall flow.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the establishment of Bud's secretive and uncomfortable situation with his apartment, building on the previous scenes where his space is being used by others without his full consent. It highlights Bud's passive and evasive personality through his actions—hiding in the shadows and fabricating excuses—which helps the audience understand his character as a 'schnook' who avoids confrontation. However, the scene feels somewhat repetitive in reinforcing Bud's isolation and the comedic elements of his predicament, as similar themes were introduced in earlier scenes. This could dilute the impact if not varied, and the humor relies heavily on Bud's awkwardness, which might benefit from more nuanced development to avoid making him seem one-dimensional early in the script.
  • The dialogue in this scene serves to advance the plot and reveal character traits, such as Kirkeby and Sylvia's banter exposing Kirkeby's infidelity and Sylvia's playful persistence, which adds levity and contrasts with Bud's subdued presence. Yet, the exchange between Kirkeby and Sylvia feels somewhat expository and stereotypical, with lines like 'You mean you bring other girls up here?' directly stating themes that could be shown more subtly through actions or subtext. Similarly, Bud's interaction with Mrs. Dreyfuss is functional but lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore Bud's internal conflict or add layers to his relationship with his neighbors, which could make the scene more engaging and less transactional.
  • Visually, the scene uses effective blocking to convey tension, such as Bud hiding in the areaway and the quick transition from exterior to interior, which maintains a sense of secrecy and urgency. The description of Bud bending down to 'find' his key and his hurried exit adds to the comedic timing, but the visual elements could be more cinematic to heighten emotional stakes—for instance, closer shots on Bud's face to show his anxiety or wider shots to emphasize his isolation in the building. As this is only scene 5, the scene does a good job of pacing the reveal of Bud's personal life, but it might rush through moments that could build more suspense or foreshadow future conflicts, like the potential discovery of his situation by neighbors.
  • In terms of conflict, the scene introduces minor tensions—Bud avoiding detection and deflecting Mrs. Dreyfuss's suspicions—but these are resolved too quickly without escalating, which keeps the tone light but might underwhelm in a story that could benefit from gradual build-up. The end of the scene, with Bud ducking into his apartment, mirrors the ending of previous scenes and could feel formulaic if not varied, potentially making the audience anticipate patterns rather than surprises. Overall, while the scene successfully connects to the broader narrative of Bud's exploited living situation, it could use more originality in how it portrays his evasion to keep the story fresh and engaging for the viewer.
  • The tone remains consistent with the script's humorous and slightly melancholic vibe, using Bud's interactions to underscore his loneliness and the absurdity of his circumstances. However, the scene's reliance on voice-over and narration in prior scenes might make this one feel like a direct continuation without much progression in Bud's arc, risking stagnation. As a teacher, I'd note that this scene is solid in its role as a transitional piece, but it could better serve character growth by showing subtle changes in Bud's behavior or thoughts, helping to evolve him from a detail-oriented employee to someone grappling with personal boundaries.
Suggestions
  • To enhance visual storytelling, add more descriptive actions or camera directions that emphasize Bud's emotional state, such as a close-up on his face while hiding to show beads of sweat or nervous glances, making his anxiety more palpable and engaging for the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext and naturalism; for example, instead of Sylvia directly accusing Kirkeby of seeing other women, have her imply it through playful teasing or shared anecdotes, which could make the conversation feel less on-the-nose and more dynamic.
  • Increase the stakes in Bud's interaction with Mrs. Dreyfuss by adding a small complication, like her lingering longer or asking more probing questions, to build tension and give Bud a chance to reveal more about his character through improvised lies or internal conflict.
  • Vary the pacing by incorporating brief cuts or montages of Bud's routine actions (e.g., checking mail) to avoid repetition from earlier scenes, ensuring each moment feels fresh and contributes uniquely to the narrative flow.
  • To deepen character development, include a subtle internal monologue or a physical tic for Bud during his evasion, foreshadowing his growing frustration with the apartment situation, which could make his arc more compelling as the story progresses.



Scene 6 -  After the Party
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING
Bud snaps on the lights, drops the mail and the key on a
small table, looks around with distaste at the mess his
visitors have left behind. He sniffs the stale air, crosses
to the window, pulls up the shade, opens it wide.
Now he takes off his hat and raincoat, gathers up the remains
of the cocktail party from the coffee table. Loaded down
with glasses, pitcher, empty vodka bottle, ice bowl and
potato chips, he starts toward the kitchen.
The doorbell rings. Bud stops, undecided what to do with the
stuff in his hands, then crosses to the hall door, barely
manages to get it open. Mr. Kirkeby barges in past him.
KIRKEBY
The little lady forgot her
galoshes.
He scours the room for the missing galoshes.
BUD
Mr. Kirkeby, I don't like to
complain -- but you were supposed
to be out of here by eight.
KIRKEBY
I know, Buddy-boy, I know. But
those things don't always run on
schedule -- like a Greyhound bus.
BUD
I don't mind in the summer -- but
on a rainy night -- and I haven't
had any dinner yet --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
Sure, sure. Look, kid -- I put in
a good word for you with Sheldrake,
in Personnel.
BUD
(perking up)
Mr. Sheldrake?
KIRKEBY
That's right. We were discussing
our department -- manpower-wise --
and promotion-wise --
(finds the galoshes behind
a chair)
-- and I told him what a bright boy
you were. They're always on the
lookout for young executives.
BUD
Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.
KIRKEBY
(starting toward door)
You're on your way up, Buddy-boy.
And you're practically out of
liquor.
BUD
I know. Mr. Eichelberger -- in the
Mortgage Loan Department -- last
night he had a little Halloween
party here --
KIRKEBY
Well, lay in some vodka and some
vermouth -- and put my name on it.
BUD
Yes, Mr. Kirkeby. You still owe me
for the last two bottles --
KIRKEBY
I'll pay you on Friday.
(in the open doorwaY)
And whatever happened to those
little cheese crackers you used to
have around?
He exits, shutting the door.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
BUD
(making a mental note)
Cheese crackers.
He carries his load into the kitchen. The kitchen is minute
and cluttered. On the drainboard are an empty vermouth
bottle, some ice-cube trays, a jar with one olive in it, and
a crumpled potato-chip bag. Bud comes in, dumps his load on
the drainboard, opens the old-fashioned refrigerator. He
takes out a frozen chicken dinner, turns the oven on, lights
it with a match, rips the protective paper off the aluminum
tray and shoves it in. Now he starts to clean up the mess on
the drainboard.
He rinses the cocktail glasses, is about to empty the martini
pitcher into the sink, thinks better of it. He pours the
contents into a glass, plops the lone olive out of the jar,
scoops up the last handful of potato chips, toasts an
imaginary companion, and drinks up.
Then he pulls a wastebasket from under the sink. It is
brimful of liquor bottles, and Bud adds the empty vodka and
vermouth bottles and the olive jar. Picking up the heavy
receptacle, he carries it through the living room toward the
hall door.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Bud returns to his messy apartment after a cocktail party, expressing frustration over guests overstaying their welcome. He awkwardly interacts with Mr. Kirkeby, who stops by to retrieve his wife's galoshes and casually reminds Bud of his debts while mentioning a potential promotion for Bud. After Kirkeby leaves, Bud prepares a frozen dinner and drinks a leftover martini, all while cleaning up the remnants of the party. The scene captures Bud's quiet frustration and resignation as he deals with the aftermath of the evening.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of character dynamics
  • Subtle humor mixed with underlying tension
  • Foreshadowing of future plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Slight lack of clarity in Bud's immediate goals or desires

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively conveys Bud's exasperation and the intrusion of Mr. Kirkeby, setting up potential developments in Bud's career. The mix of humor and underlying tension adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of showcasing the aftermath of a party and introducing career aspirations adds depth to Bud's character and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8.2

The plot progresses by revealing Bud's frustration and the potential career opportunity presented by Mr. Kirkeby. It sets the stage for future developments in Bud's personal and professional life.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a messy apartment after a party but adds originality through the protagonist's internal monologue and interactions with other characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions brings a fresh perspective to the typical 'clean-up after a party' scenario.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Bud and Mr. Kirkeby, are well-defined through their interactions and dialogue. Bud's frustration and Mr. Kirkeby's opportunistic nature are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 8

Bud's character shows signs of frustration and potential ambition, hinting at a shift in his outlook and actions. Mr. Kirkeby's introduction also sets up a change in Bud's professional trajectory.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his social and professional relationships while dealing with feelings of frustration and loneliness. This reflects his deeper need for validation and connection, as well as his fear of being overlooked or unappreciated.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a sense of professionalism and control in the face of unexpected interruptions and demands from others. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal boundaries with workplace expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.8

The conflict arises from Bud's frustration with the aftermath of the party and Mr. Kirkeby's intrusion, hinting at potential power dynamics and career conflicts in the future.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the protagonist's interactions with Mr. Kirkeby. The audience is left wondering how the power dynamics will play out and what consequences may arise.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high as Bud navigates personal frustrations, career aspirations, and unexpected intrusions, setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between characters, hinting at future conflicts and resolutions, and setting up potential plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Mr. Kirkeby and the shifting power dynamics between characters. The audience is kept on their toes by the subtle conflicts and surprises that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7.5

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty and obligation towards others versus his own needs and desires. This challenges his beliefs about loyalty and self-care, highlighting the tension between personal fulfillment and external validation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.9

The scene evokes a sense of resignation and slight tension, especially in Bud's interactions with Mr. Kirkeby. It sets the emotional tone for Bud's character arc.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue captures the tone of the scene, with Bud's subtle complaints and Mr. Kirkeby's manipulative yet encouraging words. It adds depth to the character dynamics and hints at future conflicts.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes of social dynamics and personal struggles. The interactions between characters and the protagonist's internal monologue create a sense of intrigue and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a balance of introspective moments and dynamic interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with industry standards, with proper scene headings, character cues, and action descriptions. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue sequences. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven drama, allowing for a smooth progression of events.


Critique
  • This scene effectively establishes Bud's character as a passive, accommodating individual who is being taken advantage of by his colleagues, which is crucial for setting up the central conflict of the story. The visual descriptions of the messy apartment and Bud's solitary routines vividly convey his loneliness and frustration, making the audience empathize with his situation. However, the scene feels somewhat repetitive in its portrayal of Bud's daily struggles, as similar elements were introduced in the previous scenes, potentially diluting the impact and slowing the overall pace of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Bud and Kirkeby is functional for advancing the plot—hinting at Bud's potential promotion and reinforcing the exploitative dynamic—but it comes across as slightly expository and unnatural. Kirkeby's lines about putting in a good word with Sheldrake feel forced, as if they are inserted primarily to inform the audience rather than arising organically from the characters' relationship. This could make the interaction less believable and reduce the comedic tension that the scene aims to build.
  • Bud's actions, such as cleaning up the mess, preparing a frozen dinner, and toasting an imaginary companion, are well-depicted and add to the humorous and melancholic tone, but they lack deeper emotional depth. The scene could benefit from more insight into Bud's internal thoughts or feelings, perhaps through subtle voice-over or facial expressions, to better connect the audience to his growing resentment and isolation. As it stands, the focus on mundane tasks might make the scene feel static and less engaging for viewers who are expecting more dynamic storytelling early in the film.
  • The comedic elements, like Kirkeby's casual dismissal of Bud's complaints and Bud's mental note about cheese crackers, work well to lighten the mood and highlight the absurdity of Bud's situation. However, the humor occasionally overshadows the underlying tension, such as Bud's hunger and the invasion of his personal space, which could be amplified to create a stronger contrast and build anticipation for future conflicts. Additionally, the scene's ending with Bud carrying out the trash doesn't provide a strong hook or transition, making it feel somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the narrative momentum.
  • In terms of structure, this scene serves as a good bridge between the office environment and Bud's personal life, reinforcing themes of corporate exploitation and loneliness. Yet, it could be more concise to avoid redundancy with earlier scenes, ensuring that each moment contributes uniquely to character development and plot progression. The reliance on visual gags and dialogue might limit opportunities for more innovative storytelling techniques, such as symbolic actions or foreshadowing, which could enrich the scene's contribution to the overall screenplay.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, consider trimming some of the repetitive descriptions of Bud's cleaning and dinner preparation, focusing instead on key actions that reveal character or advance the plot, such as intercutting with brief flashbacks to how the apartment-lending arrangement began.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and character-driven by having Kirkeby reference the promotion in a more casual, indirect way, perhaps tying it to a shared anecdote or joke, to reduce exposition and enhance authenticity.
  • Add layers of emotional depth by incorporating subtle voice-over narration or close-up shots of Bud's expressions during his solitary moments, allowing the audience to better understand his internal conflict and building stronger empathy.
  • Enhance the comedic and dramatic balance by emphasizing symbolic elements, like the overflowing wastebasket of bottles, to foreshadow Bud's breaking point, and end the scene with a stronger transitional element, such as Bud glancing at a calendar with upcoming dates, to create anticipation for the next scene.
  • Streamline the scene by combining some actions or shortening interactions to maintain momentum, and explore alternative ways to show Bud's loneliness, such as through music or sound design, to make the scene more visually and aurally engaging without relying solely on dialogue and physical actions.



Scene 7 -  Awkward Exchanges
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING
The door of Bud's apartment opens, and Bud comes out with the
wastebasket full of empty bottles. Just then, DR. DAVID
DREYFUSS, whose wife we met earlier, comes trudging up the
stairs. He is a tall, heavy-set man of fifty, with a bushy
mustache, wearing a bulky overcoat and carrying an aged
medical bag.
DR. DREYFUSS
Good evening, Baxter.
BUD
Hi, Doc. Had a late call?
DR. DREYFUSS
Yeah. Some clown at Schrafft's
Street ate a club sandwich, and
forgot to take out the toothpick.
BUD
Oh.
(sets down wastebasket)
'Bye, Doc.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DR. DREYFUSS
(indicating bottles)
Say, Baxter -- the way you're
belting that stuff, you must have a
pair of cast-iron kidneys.
BUD
Oh, that's not me. It's just that
once in a while, I have some people
in for a drink.
DR. DREYFUSS
As a matter of fact, you must be an
iron man all around. From what I
hear through the walls, you got
something going for you every
night.
BUD
I'm sorry if it gets noisy --
DR. DREYFUSS
Sometimes, there's a twi-night
double-header.
(shaking his head)
A nebbish like you!
BUD
(uncomfortable)
Yeah. Well -- see you, Doc.
(starts to back through
door)
DR. DREYFUSS
You know, Baxter -- I'm doing some
research at the Columbia Medical
Center -- and I wonder if you could
do us a favor?
BUD
Me?
DR. DREYFUSS
When you make out your will -- and
the way you're going, you should --
would you mind leaving your body to
the University?
BUD
My body? I'm afraid you guys would
be disappointed. Good night, Doc.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
DR. DREYFUSS
Slow down, kid.
He starts into the rear apartment as Bud closes the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this humorous scene, Bud encounters Dr. David Dreyfuss on the second floor landing of their apartment building. After Bud exits with a wastebasket full of empty liquor bottles, Dreyfuss playfully teases him about his drinking habits and social life, suggesting he has 'cast-iron kidneys' and should consider donating his body to science. Bud, feeling uncomfortable with the probing comments, tries to deflect and end the conversation, ultimately retreating into his apartment as Dreyfuss continues his light-hearted jests.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development through interaction
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively combines humor and character development, providing insight into Bud's social standing and relationships within his community. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, adding depth to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing Bud's interactions with his neighbors adds depth to his character and sets the stage for potential conflicts or developments in future scenes.

Plot: 7.5

The plot progression in this scene is subtle but significant in terms of character exploration and setting up potential conflicts or misunderstandings with Bud's neighbors.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of appearances versus reality through clever dialogue and character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss, are well-defined through their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their personalities and relationships within the community.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential developments in Bud's relationships with his neighbors.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and deflect any judgment or scrutiny from Dr. Dreyfuss regarding his lifestyle choices. This reflects his deeper fear of being seen as inadequate or irresponsible.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to politely end the conversation with Dr. Dreyfuss and avoid any further probing into his personal life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more on a social and interpersonal level, setting up potential tensions and misunderstandings between Bud and his neighbors.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Dr. Dreyfuss subtly challenging Bud's self-image and lifestyle choices.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and social interactions rather than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing insights into Bud's social life and relationships, hinting at potential conflicts and developments in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, as the protagonist's attempts to deflect Dr. Dreyfuss's comments are expected.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between appearances and reality. Dr. Dreyfuss's comments highlight the disparity between how Bud presents himself and his actual lifestyle, challenging Bud's self-image and the image he projects to others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene evokes a mix of amusement and curiosity about Bud's relationships and social standing, engaging the audience emotionally through humor and character dynamics.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the subtle tension between characters, and the relatable theme of maintaining appearances.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the awkwardness of the interaction between Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to the expected norms for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a standard format for character interactions in a screenplay, effectively establishing the setting and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to characterize Dr. Dreyfuss as a nosy, witty neighbor, which helps establish the comedic tone of the script and reinforces Bud's awkward, passive personality. However, the interaction feels somewhat repetitive with previous scenes where Bud deals with neighbors commenting on his apartment activities (e.g., Mrs. Dreyfuss in scene 5 and the mess in scene 6), potentially diluting the impact by not introducing new conflicts or deepening character insights beyond what's already known. This could make the scene seem like filler rather than a pivotal moment, especially early in the script (scene 7 out of 60), where pacing should build momentum toward the main plot.
  • Dialogue is sharp and humorous, particularly in Dr. Dreyfuss's teasing lines about Bud's 'cast-iron kidneys' and the suggestion to leave his body to science, which adds levity and reveals social dynamics. That said, Bud's responses are mostly evasive and uncomfortable, which, while consistent with his character, limits the exchange to one-sided banter. This might not fully engage the audience or allow for more nuanced character development, as Bud could use this opportunity to show internal conflict or growth, making him more relatable and less of a reactive figure.
  • Visually, the scene is straightforward and functional, with clear actions like Bud carrying the wastebasket and Dr. Dreyfuss arriving with his medical bag, which ties into his profession and adds authenticity. However, the setting (the second-floor landing) could be more vividly described or utilized to heighten tension or symbolism— for instance, emphasizing the confined space to mirror Bud's entrapment in his secretive life—enhancing the cinematic quality and making the scene more memorable rather than just a transitional moment.
  • The conflict is subtle and comedic, stemming from Dr. Dreyfuss's probing questions about Bud's lifestyle, which foreshadows the larger issues with his apartment lending scheme. Yet, this conflict resolves too quickly without escalating, as Bud simply retreats into his apartment. In a screenplay focused on Bud's moral dilemmas and relationships, this could be an opportunity to add more stakes, such as Dr. Dreyfuss almost discovering something incriminating, to better connect to the overarching narrative and increase emotional investment.
  • Overall, the scene maintains the script's light-hearted tone but risks undercutting the building sympathy for Bud by portraying him as perpetually embarrassed without showing progression. As part of a series of similar encounters, it might benefit from tighter integration into the plot, ensuring that each scene contributes uniquely to character arcs or story progression, rather than reinforcing the same themes in a way that could feel redundant to the reader or viewer.
Suggestions
  • Amplify the conflict by having Dr. Dreyfuss notice something specific, like a clue from the wastebasket (e.g., a label on a bottle), that makes Bud more defensive, adding tension and making the scene more dynamic without altering the core interaction.
  • Balance the dialogue by giving Bud a more proactive line or two, such as a subtle hint at his frustrations with his living situation, to show character growth and make the exchange feel less one-sided, helping to deepen audience empathy.
  • Enhance visual elements with additional descriptions, such as focusing on Bud's body language (e.g., fidgeting or avoiding eye contact) or the dimly lit landing to create a more atmospheric and cinematic feel, which could emphasize themes of secrecy and isolation.
  • Shorten the scene slightly if it's part of a repetitive pattern, or link it more explicitly to future events by having Dr. Dreyfuss's comments foreshadow his later involvement (e.g., in scene 35), to improve pacing and ensure every scene advances the narrative.
  • Consider adding a small twist or revelation, like Bud almost slipping up in his denial, to heighten stakes and make the scene more engaging, while maintaining the comedic tone to align with the script's style.



Scene 8 -  A Night in Routine
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING
Bud, loosening his tie, goes into the kitchen, opens the
oven, turns off the gas. He takes a coke out of the
refrigerator, uncaps it, gets a knife and fork from a drawer,
and using his handkerchief as a potholder, pulls the hot
aluminum tray out of the oven. He carries everything out
into the living room. In the living room, Bud sets his dinner
down on the coffee table, settles himself on the couch.
He rears up as something stabs him, reaches under his
buttocks, pulls out a hairpin. He drops it into an ashtray,
tackles his dinner. Without even looking, he reaches over to
the end table and presses the remote TV station-selector.
He takes a sip from the coke bottle, his eyes on the TV
screen across the room. The picture on the TV set jells
quickly. Against a background of crisscrossing searchlights,
a pompous announcer is making his spiel.
ANNOUNCER
-- from the world's greatest
library of film classics, we
proudly present --
(fanfare)
Greta Garbo -- John Barrymore --
Joan Crawford -- Wallace Beery --
and Lionel Barrymore in --
(fanfare)
GRAND HOTEL!
There is an extended fanfare. Bud leans forward, chewing
excitedly on a chicken leg.
ANNOUNCER
But first, a word from our sponsor.
If you smoke the modern way, don't
be fooled by phony filter claims --
Bud, still eating, automatically reaches for the station-
selector, pushes the button. A new channel pops on. It
features a Western -- Cockamamie Indians are attacking a
stagecoach. That's not for Bud.
He switches to another station. In a frontier saloon, Gower
Street cowboys are dismantling the furniture and each other.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Bud wearily changes channels. But he can't get away from
Westerns -- on this station, the U.S. Cavalry is riding to
the rescue. Will they get there in time? Bud doesn't wait to
find out.
He switches channels again, and is back where he started. On
the screen, once more, is the announcer standing in front of
the crisscrossing searchlights.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
And now, Grand Hotel -- starring
Greta Garbo, John Barrymore, Joan
Crawford --
(Bud is all eyes and ears
again)
-- Wallace Beery, and Lionel
Barrymore. But first -- a word
from our alternate sponsor.
(unctuously)
Friends, do you have wobbly
dentures -- ?
That does it. Bud turns the set off in disgust. The TV
screen blacks out, except for a small pinpoint of light in
the center, which gradually fades away.
In the bathroom, Bud, in pajamas by now, is brushing his
teeth. From the shower rod hang three pairs of socks on
stretchers. Bud takes a vial from the medicine shelf, shakes
out a sleeping pill, washes it down with a glass of water.
He turns the light off, walks into the bedroom.
In the bedroom, the single bed is made, and the lamp on the
night table is on. Bud plugs in the electric blanket, turns
the dial on. Then he climbs into bed, props up the pillow
behind him. From the night table, he picks up the magazine
that arrived in the mail, slides it out of the wrapper, opens
it.
It's the new issue of PLAYBOY. Bud leafs through it till he
comes to the piece de resistance of the magazine. He unfolds
the overleaf, glances at it casually, refolds it, then turns
to the back of the magazine and starts to read.
What he is so avidly interested in is the men's fashion
section. There is a layout titled WHAT THE YOUNG EXECUTIVE
WILL WEAR with a sub-head reading The Bowler is Back.
Illustrating the article are several photographs of male
models wearing various styles of bowlers. Bud is definitely
in the market for a bowler, but somehow his mind starts
wandering.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
He turns back to the overleaf again, unfolds it, studies it,
then holds the magazine up vertically to get a different
perspective on the subject. By now the sleeping pill is
beginning to take effect, and he yawns.
He drops the magazine on the floor, kills the light, settles
down to sleep. The room is dark except for the glow from the
dial of the electric blanket. Three seconds.
Then the phone jangles shrilly in the living room. Bud
stumbles groggily out of bed, and putting on his slippers,
makes his way into the living room. He switches on the
light, picks up the phone.
BUD
Hello? -- Hello? -- yes, this is
Baxter.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary In this scene, Bud returns home in the evening, prepares and eats dinner while dealing with frustrating television commercials. After completing his bedtime routine, which includes brushing his teeth and reading Playboy, he is interrupted by a phone call, groggily identifying himself as Baxter.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of solitude and introspection
  • Detailed visual descriptions enhancing mood and atmosphere
  • Strong emotional resonance with the audience
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Minimal dialogue may not appeal to all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the essence of Bud's solitary existence and provides insight into his character through his actions and surroundings. It sets a contemplative tone and offers a glimpse into his inner world.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of portraying Bud's nightly routine as a window into his character is well-realized. It offers a deeper understanding of his loneliness and longing for connection.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it serves as a crucial moment for character development, providing essential insights into Bud's personality and emotional state.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the protagonist's daily routine, with a focus on small moments and actions that reveal character traits and emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Bud's character is richly depicted through his actions and environment, showcasing his loneliness, routine, and underlying desires. The scene effectively deepens the audience's connection to Bud.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant outward change in Bud, the scene deepens the audience's understanding of his character and emotional landscape.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to find relaxation and escape from his daily routine. His actions of preparing dinner, watching TV, and getting ready for bed indicate a desire for comfort and distraction.

External Goal: 6

Bud's external goal is to unwind and enjoy his evening after work. He seeks entertainment through TV and relaxation through preparing for sleep.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

The scene lacks overt conflict, focusing instead on internal struggles and emotional depth.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in the scene is minimal, with Bud facing minor obstacles like TV commercials that do not significantly challenge his goals or actions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on character introspection and emotional depth rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't propel the main plot forward significantly but enriches the audience's connection to Bud and sets the emotional tone for future developments.

Unpredictability: 5

The scene lacks significant unpredictability as it focuses on the routine and predictable aspects of Bud's evening activities.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Bud's desire for escapism through TV and his eventual frustration with the commercials interrupting his viewing experience. This conflict challenges his passive acceptance of media consumption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its portrayal of Bud's loneliness and longing, resonating with the audience on a deeper level.

Dialogue: 7

The scene relies more on visual cues and actions than dialogue. The sparse dialogue that is present serves to enhance Bud's solitude and introspection.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the protagonist's world through detailed actions and relatable experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively captures the rhythm of Bud's evening, moving smoothly between actions and moments to maintain the scene's momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character interactions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of Bud's evening routine, transitioning smoothly between actions and settings to create a coherent narrative flow.


Critique
  • This scene effectively establishes Bud's solitary and mundane routine, which is crucial for building audience empathy and highlighting the central theme of loneliness in the screenplay. By showing Bud's everyday actions—such as preparing a simple dinner, channel-surfing on TV, and taking a sleeping pill—the writer immerses the viewer in his isolated world, contrasting it with the chaotic affairs occurring in his apartment in earlier scenes. This repetition of routine behaviors reinforces Bud's character as a 'nebbish' figure, making his frustrations relatable and humorous, but it risks feeling repetitive if not balanced with escalating tension, as the scene's length and focus on minor details might slow the overall pace in an early scene of a 60-scene script.
  • The visual elements are strong in conveying Bud's loneliness, with actions like reaching for the remote control without looking and dropping the hairpin into the ashtray providing subtle, cinematic details that show rather than tell his disengagement from life. However, the scene could benefit from more varied shot compositions to maintain visual interest; for instance, the TV watching sequence, while humorous, might come across as static if filmed straightforwardly, potentially underutilizing the medium's ability to use close-ups or cuts to emphasize Bud's emotional state, such as his weary expressions or the isolating glow of the TV screen.
  • Humor is well-integrated through Bud's interactions with the TV commercials and his casual dismissal of them, which adds a light-hearted touch and aligns with the film's comedic tone established in prior scenes. That said, the humor occasionally borders on caricature—such as Bud's exaggerated disgust at the denture commercial— which might undermine the sincerity of his loneliness if not handled carefully in performance and direction. Additionally, the lack of dialogue in this scene is appropriate for a character-driven moment, but it could be enhanced with subtle internal monologue or voice-over (consistent with Bud's narration in earlier scenes) to provide deeper insight into his thoughts, making the audience more invested in his emotional journey.
  • The scene's ending with the phone call serves as a strong hook to transition into the next scene, creating suspense and advancing the plot by interrupting Bud's routine. However, the buildup to this moment feels somewhat disconnected from the immediate context of Scene 7, where Bud had a teasing interaction with Dr. Dreyfuss about his lifestyle; this scene could better bridge that by incorporating a lingering effect from the previous encounter, such as Bud reflecting on Dreyfuss's comments, to create a more cohesive narrative flow and heighten the irony of Bud's solitary habits being juxtaposed with the intrusions into his life.
  • Thematically, this scene reinforces the screenplay's exploration of alienation and the consequences of Bud's passivity, as seen in his unfulfilling dinner and reliance on sleeping pills. Yet, it might miss an opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of Bud's motivations— for example, his choice of reading Playboy could be critiqued for reinforcing a stereotypical male loneliness without adding nuance, potentially limiting character growth. Overall, while the scene is functional in character establishment, it could be more impactful by tying these elements more explicitly to the larger story arcs, such as the building pressure from the apartment's misuse, to avoid feeling like a standalone vignette.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the pacing by condensing the TV channel-surfing sequence, perhaps by reducing the number of channel changes or using quicker cuts to maintain momentum and prevent the scene from dragging, ensuring it doesn't overshadow the emotional core.
  • Incorporate subtle visual or auditory cues to enhance atmosphere, such as adding rain sounds from outside or using camera angles that emphasize Bud's isolation (e.g., wide shots showing empty space around him), to make the loneliness more visceral and engaging for the audience.
  • Add a brief moment of internal reflection or voice-over narration to connect Bud's actions to his emotions, drawing on the established narration style from earlier scenes, which could provide insight into his thoughts on the day's events and better link to the themes of passivity and intrusion.
  • Enhance character depth by including a small detail that foreshadows future conflicts, such as Bud glancing at a calendar with upcoming dates or hesitating before taking the sleeping pill, to build anticipation and make the scene feel more integral to the plot progression.
  • Balance the humor with more sincere moments by adjusting the tone in key actions, like the Playboy reading, to avoid stereotypes—perhaps show Bud skimming past the centerfold to focus on the fashion section, emphasizing his aspirations rather than objectification, to add layers to his character.



Scene 9 -  The Reluctant Favor
INT. PHONE BOOTH IN A MANHATTAN BAR - NIGHT
On the night is a hearty man of about forty-five, nothing gut
personality, most of it obnoxious. His name is DOBISCH.
Outside the booth is a blonde babe, slightly boozed, and
beyond there is a suggestion of the packed, smoky joint.
DOBISCH
Hiya, Buddy-boy. I'm in this bar
on Sixty-first Street -- and I got
to thinking about you -- and I
figured I'd give you a little buzz.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Well, that's very nice of you --
but who is this?
INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
Dobisch -- Joe Dobisch, in
Administration.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
(snapping to attention)
Oh, yes, Mr. Dobisch. I didn't
recognize your voice --

INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
That's okay, Buddy-boy. Now like I
was saying, I'm in this joint on
Sixty-first -- and I think I got
lucky --
(glances toward blonde)
-- she's a skater with the Ice Show
(he chuckles)
-- and I thought maybe I could
bring her up for a quiet drink.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
I'm sorry, Mr. Dobisch. You know I
like to help you guys out -- but
it's sort of late -- so why don't
we make it some other time?
INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
Buddy-boy -- she won't keep that
long -- not even on ice. Listen,
kid, I can't pass this up -- she
looks like Marilyn Monroe.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
I don't care if it is Marilyn
Monroe -- I'm already in bed -- and
I've taken a sleeping pill -- so
I'm afraid the answer is no.
INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
(pulling rank)
Look, Baxter -- we're making out
the monthly efficiency rating --
and I'm putting you in the top ten.
Now you don't want to louse
yourself up, do you?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Of course not. But -- how can I be
efficient in the office if I don't
get enough sleep at night?

INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
It's only eleven -- and I just want
the place for forty-five minutes.
The blonde opens the door of the phone booth, leans in.
BLONDE
I'm getting lonely. Who are you
talking to, anyway?
DOBISCH
My mother.
BLONDE
That's sweet. That's real sweet.
Dobisch shuts the door in her face.
DOBISCH
(into phone again)
Make it thirty minutes. What do
you say, Bud?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
(a last stand)
I'm all out of liquor -- and
there's no clean glasses -- no
cheese crackers -- no nothing.
INT. PHONE BOOTH
DOBISCH
Let me worry about that. Just
leave the key under the mat and
clear out.
INT. THE APARTMENT
BUD
(into phone; resigned)
Yes, Mr. Dobisch.
He hangs up, shuffles back into the bedroom.
BUD (CONT’D)
(muttering to himself)
Anything you say, Mr. Dobisch -- no
trouble at all, Mr. Dobisch -- be
my guest --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
He reappears from the bedroom, pulling his trousers on over
his pajama pants.
BUD (CONT’D)
-- We never close at Buddy-boy's --
looks like Marilyn Monroe --
(he chuckles a la Dobisch)
Putting on his raincoat and hat, Bud opens the hall door,
takes the key from the table, shoves it under the doormat.
His eyes fall on the Dreyfuss apartment, and there is some
concern on his face. He picks up a pad and pencil from the
table, prints something in block letters.
Tearing off the top sheet, he impales it on the spindle of
the phonograph, then walks out, closing the door behind him.
The note reads: NOT TOO LOUD
THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a Manhattan bar phone booth, Joe Dobisch pressures Bud Baxter to lend his apartment for a brief encounter with a blonde woman, claiming she resembles Marilyn Monroe. Despite Bud's initial reluctance due to fatigue and a sleeping pill, Dobisch threatens his work efficiency rating, forcing Bud to comply. He hurriedly prepares his apartment, leaving a note for neighbors to keep the noise down before exiting, highlighting the absurdity of corporate demands intruding on personal life.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Setting atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Predictable power play dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively blends humor with a touch of resignation, providing insight into Bud's character and the workplace dynamics. The dialogue is engaging and reveals underlying tensions and power plays.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of the scene revolves around workplace dynamics, power struggles, and the theme of personal sacrifice for professional gain. It effectively introduces conflict and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Bud is interrupted by Dobisch, leading to a conflict of interests between personal time and professional obligations. The scene sets up potential consequences for Bud's actions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of late-night phone calls and unexpected social obligations. The characters' banter feels authentic and the situation is relatable yet presented in a unique manner.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Bud and Dobisch are well-defined through their dialogue and actions. Bud's accommodating nature and Dobisch's obnoxious demeanor create a dynamic interaction that adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it hints at potential shifts in Bud's approach to office dynamics and personal boundaries.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his personal boundaries and prioritize his own well-being over external pressures. This reflects his need for rest, autonomy, and self-care.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to resist the pressure from Dobisch to leave his apartment and meet with a woman Dobisch has brought to the bar. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work expectations with personal needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the clash between Bud's personal time and Dobisch's professional demands, adding tension to the scene. The power play between the characters increases the conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dobisch presenting a challenging obstacle for Bud to overcome. The audience is kept on edge about how Bud will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high as Bud is pressured to sacrifice his personal time for professional gain. The outcome of his decision could impact his standing within the office.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing workplace conflicts and power dynamics that may impact Bud's future decisions and relationships. It sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the shifting power dynamics between characters, and the audience's uncertainty about how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between personal boundaries and professional obligations. Dobisch represents a disregard for personal space and autonomy, while Bud embodies the importance of self-care and setting limits.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of resignation and humor, engaging the audience in Bud's predicament. While not highly emotional, it sets the stage for potential emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is engaging, reflecting the power dynamics between Bud and Dobisch. It reveals subtle nuances in their relationship and hints at underlying tensions within the office environment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the rapid-fire dialogue, the tension between characters, and the unfolding of a relatable yet intriguing situation. The audience is drawn into the conflict and resolution.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and character actions. The rhythm builds tension effectively and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It maintains readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution within the confines of a phone booth setting.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the theme of Bud being exploited by his colleagues, highlighting his passive nature and the comedic absurdity of his situation. It builds on the established pattern from previous scenes where Bud's apartment is used without his full consent, reinforcing his character as a 'schnook' who prioritizes career advancement over personal comfort. The contrast between Dobisch's lively, social environment in the bar and Bud's isolated, interrupted solitude in his apartment underscores Bud's loneliness and the transactional nature of his relationships, which helps the audience understand his internal conflict and the escalating stakes in the story.
  • The dialogue captures Dobisch's obnoxious personality well, with lines like 'she looks like Marilyn Monroe' adding humor and showing his objectification of women, which fits the 1960s setting and tone of the screenplay. However, Bud's responses feel somewhat one-dimensional, portraying him as overly compliant without much resistance or emotional depth, which might make his character arc less engaging at this point. This scene could benefit from more nuanced portrayal of Bud's frustration, as his quick surrender to Dobisch's pressure diminishes the potential for dramatic tension and makes the conflict resolution feel predictable.
  • Visually, the scene uses the phone booth setting effectively to convey Dobisch's chaotic, smoky bar environment, contrasting with the quiet intimacy of Bud's apartment, which enhances the scene's humor and irony. The interruption by the blonde adds a layer of farce, emphasizing Dobisch's deceit and Bud's unwitting complicity. However, the scene lacks deeper character development for Dobisch, who comes across as a caricature rather than a fully realized antagonist, potentially reducing the emotional impact. Additionally, the transition from Bud's bedtime routine in the previous scene to this disruption is smooth, but it could explore Bud's emotional state more to heighten the audience's empathy and understanding of his ongoing struggles.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene moves quickly, which suits its comedic intent, but it might rush through Bud's internal conflict, making his decision to agree feel abrupt. This could alienate readers or viewers who want to see more of Bud's thought process, especially since this is an early scene (number 9 out of 60) that sets up recurring motifs. The humor is effective, but it risks becoming repetitive if not balanced with character growth, as similar interactions occur in prior scenes. Overall, the scene serves its purpose in advancing the plot and illustrating the corporate world's impact on personal life, but it could delve deeper into themes of exploitation and self-worth to make it more memorable and integral to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Bud's internal conflict by adding more visual or verbal indications of his reluctance, such as showing him hesitating on the phone or muttering under his breath before agreeing, to build tension and make his capitulation more impactful.
  • Refine the dialogue to add subtext and nuance; for example, have Dobisch's lines reveal more about his motivations or insecurities, and give Bud sharper retorts or pauses that show his growing resentment, making the exchange less stereotypical and more engaging.
  • Incorporate additional character details or actions to deepen Dobisch's portrayal, such as a brief flashback or a prop that hints at his backstory, to make him feel less like a one-note antagonist and more integral to the story's themes.
  • Adjust the pacing by extending the phone conversation with moments of silence or cutaways to Bud's reactions, allowing the audience to connect more with his emotional state and emphasizing the theme of isolation versus social pressure.
  • Consider integrating more sensory details in the bar setting to heighten contrast with Bud's apartment, such as sounds of laughter or clinking glasses, to amplify the humor and thematic elements without overloading the scene.



Scene 10 -  Midnight Eavesdropping
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT
Bud comes out the door, in slippered feet, pants and raincoat
over his pajamas. As he sleep-walks down the steps, a cab
pulls up in front of the house. Bud ducks discreetly into
the areaway.
Mr. Dobisch, bareheaded, emerges cautiously from the cab.
Between the fingers of his hands he is carrying four long-
stemmed glasses, brimful of stingers. The blonde steps out,
holding his hat.
BLONDE
This the place?
DOBISCH
Yeah.
(to cab driver)
How much?
CABBIE
Seventy cents.
Dobisch, his hands full of stingers, turns to the blonde,
indicates his pants pocket.
DOBISCH
Get the money, will you?
The blonde plants the hat on top of his head, unbuttons his
overcoat, reaches into his pants pocket. As she does so, she
jogs his elbow.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Watch those stingers!
The blonde has taken out Dobisch's money clip, with about a
hundred dollars in it.
DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Give him a buck.
The blonde peels a bill off, hands it to the cabbie, hangs on
to the rest of the roll just a second too long.
DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Now put it back, honey.
(she does)
Atta girl.
The cab drives off. Dobisch and the blonde start up the
steps to the house.
BLONDE
You sure this is a good idea?
DOBISCH
Can't think of a better one.
BLONDE
(holding door open for
him)
I mean - barging in on your mother -
- in the middle of the night?
DOBISCH
(edging past her with
stingers)
Don't worry about the old lady. One
squawk from her, and she's out of a
job.
In the areaway, Bud has overheard them, and it doesn't make
him any happier. He steps out on the sidewalk, shuffles down
the street.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Bud sleep-walks out of a brownstone house at night, hiding in the areaway as Mr. Dobisch and a blonde woman arrive in a cab. They engage in a flirtatious conversation about entering the house, with the blonde expressing concern about disturbing Dobisch's mother, which he dismisses. Bud, feeling uncomfortable after overhearing their exchange, shuffles away down the street, ending the scene.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in Bud's internal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and discomfort to create a compelling narrative moment that propels the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Bud being coerced into allowing the use of his apartment adds depth to his character and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as Bud is drawn into a situation that challenges his boundaries and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on nighttime confrontations and family dynamics, with characters engaging in secretive and potentially risky behavior. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Bud facing moral dilemmas and Dobisch displaying manipulative tendencies, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Bud experiences a subtle shift in his boundaries and moral compass as he reluctantly agrees to Dobisch's request, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to deal with his unhappiness or discomfort upon overhearing Dobisch and the blonde's conversation. This reflects his deeper need for peace of mind and stability, as well as his desire to avoid conflict or unpleasant situations.

External Goal: 7.5

Dobisch's external goal is to confront his mother in the middle of the night, possibly to assert dominance or control over her. This reflects the immediate challenge of the situation and the need to address a pressing issue.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is characterized by a high level of conflict, both internal (Bud's moral dilemma) and external (Dobisch's manipulation), driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and tension. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' actions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Bud is coerced into a compromising situation that could have repercussions on his personal and professional life.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a pivotal moment that alters Bud's circumstances and sets up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' ambiguous motivations and the potential for unexpected twists in the narrative. The audience is left unsure of how the confrontation will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing values regarding family, respect, and power dynamics. Dobisch's willingness to confront his mother contrasts with Bud's discomfort at the situation, highlighting conflicting beliefs about familial relationships and boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to discomfort, engaging the audience and setting the stage for further developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and dynamics between the characters, enhancing the scene's emotional impact and setting up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing setup, dynamic character interactions, and the sense of impending conflict. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. It facilitates a smooth reading experience and visualizes the unfolding events effectively.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue. It effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts that will likely unfold in subsequent scenes.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the theme of Bud's exploitation and frustration, building on the previous scenes where his apartment is repeatedly misused. It highlights Bud's passive nature and the comedic absurdity of his situation, with visual elements like Bud hiding in the areaway and Dobisch's precarious handling of the stinger glasses adding humor and visual interest. However, the scene feels somewhat repetitive in portraying Bud's victimization, as similar dynamics were established in earlier scenes (e.g., with Kirkeby), which might dilute the impact if not varied enough; this could make the audience feel that Bud's character arc is stagnating early in the script, potentially reducing tension in a story that spans 60 scenes. Additionally, the dialogue, while functional for advancing the plot and revealing Dobisch's deception, lacks depth in character revelation; for instance, the blonde's skepticism about 'barging in on your mother' is a good hook for humor, but it doesn't explore her character beyond a stereotype, missing an opportunity to add layers or contrast to Dobisch's obnoxiousness. The visual storytelling is strong in showing Bud's isolation and discomfort, but the scene's pacing might be too slow for a night exterior, with Bud's actions (hiding and overhearing) feeling drawn out without escalating conflict, which could cause it to drag in a film context where brevity is key. Finally, while the scene reinforces the comedic tone of the script, it doesn't significantly advance the overall narrative or Bud's character development beyond reinforcing his predicament, which, in scene 10, should ideally be planting seeds for more substantial conflicts or growth to maintain audience engagement over the long haul.
  • The use of irony in Dobisch's lie about visiting his 'mother' is a clever callback to the setup in scene 9, where Bud is coerced into lending his apartment, and it underscores the theme of corporate hierarchy invading personal life. This adds to the script's satirical edge, critiquing how professional favors come at a personal cost. However, Bud's reaction—overhearing the conversation and simply walking away unhappy—underscores his passivity, which is a core trait, but it might come across as too one-dimensional at this point; by scene 10, the audience has seen multiple instances of Bud being taken advantage of, and without showing more internal turmoil or a hint of rebellion, it risks making him seem like a static character rather than one evolving. The visual composition, such as Bud in his disheveled sleepwear contrasting with Dobisch's careful handling of the drinks, effectively conveys the social imbalance, but the scene could benefit from more dynamic camera work or blocking to heighten the comedy, as the description feels somewhat static. Moreover, the blonde character serves primarily as a prop to expose Dobisch's lie, but her dialogue and actions don't contribute much to the story's broader themes, such as loneliness or exploitation, which are prevalent in the script; this makes her feel underdeveloped, reducing the scene's potential for emotional resonance or thematic depth. Overall, while the scene maintains the script's humorous tone, it could be more impactful by integrating tighter connections to the overarching plot, such as foreshadowing Bud's eventual breaking point or deepening the critique of corporate culture.
  • The scene's strength lies in its concise depiction of the ongoing farce surrounding Bud's apartment, with the overheard dialogue providing a natural progression from scene 9 and setting up future complications. It also uses visual humor effectively, like the brimful stinger glasses, to emphasize the ridiculousness of the characters' actions. However, the critique extends to the dialogue's authenticity; lines like 'Barging in on your mother -- in the middle of the night?' are expository and serve to reveal the lie, but they feel a bit on-the-nose and could be more subtle or integrated into natural conversation to avoid telegraphing the humor. Additionally, Bud's unhappiness is shown through his actions (hiding and walking away), which is good for visual storytelling, but there's little variation in his emotional expression across scenes, making it harder for the audience to connect with his growing frustration. The scene's placement as scene 10 suggests it should be ramping up tension or introducing new elements, but it primarily reiterates established patterns, which might not hold viewer interest if not balanced with progression; for example, introducing a small twist, like Bud considering confrontation, could signal character growth. Lastly, the tone is consistently comedic, which fits the script, but in a drama-comedy hybrid like this, ensuring that humorous moments don't overshadow building emotional stakes is crucial, as the script later delves into heavier themes like suicide and relationships.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the pacing by reducing redundant actions; for instance, condense Bud's hiding and overhearing into fewer shots to keep the scene brisk and maintain momentum, ensuring it doesn't feel like a repeat of earlier intrusions.
  • Enhance character depth by adding a subtle reaction from Bud, such as a muttered line or a visual cue (e.g., clenching his fists) to show his building resentment, which could foreshadow his later assertiveness and make his arc more engaging.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more nuanced; for example, have the blonde's skepticism come through in a wittier or more probing question that reveals more about her character, adding layers to the humor and making the scene less predictable.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, like using close-ups on the stinger glasses spilling slightly or Bud's face in shadow to heighten the comedy and tension, drawing the audience deeper into the absurdity without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Strengthen the scene's role in the overall narrative by adding a small plot twist, such as Bud dropping something that Dobisch notices, to create a hook that connects more directly to future events and avoids repetition in the early acts.



Scene 11 -  Deception and Isolation
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT
The blonde and Dobisch, his hands full of stingers, come up
to Bud's door.
DOBISCH
Get the key, will you.
Automatically, she reaches into his pocket.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Not there. Under the mat.
BLONDE
(puzzled)
Under the mat?
(picks up key)
DOBISCH
(impatiently)
Open up, open up -- we haven't got
all night.
The blonde unlocks the door to the apartment, opens it.
BLONDE
(suspiciously)
So this is your mother's apartment?
DOBISCH
That's right. Maria Ouspenskaya.
BLONDE
(sticking her head in)
Hiya, Ouspenskaya.
Dobisch nudges her inside with his knee, kicks the door shut
behind him. The landing is empty for a second. Then the
door of the rear apartment opens, and Dr. Dreyfuss, in a
beaten bathrobe, sets out a couple of empty milk bottles with
a note in them. Suddenly, from Bud's apartment, comes a
shrill female giggle. Dr. Dreyfuss reacts. Then the cha cha
music starts full blast.
DR. DREYFUSS
(calling to his wife, off-
screen)
Mildred -- he's at it again.
Shaking his head, he closes the door.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT
Bud, in raincoat and slippered feet, turns in off the street,
plods along a path in the deserted park. He stops at a damp
bench under a lamp post, sits.
In the background, lights shine from the towering buildings
on Central Park South. Bud huddles inside his raincoat,
shivering. He is very sleepy by now.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
His eyes close and his head droops. A gust of wind sends wet
leaves swirling across the bench. Bud doesn't stir. He is
all in.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this night scene, Dobisch tricks a blonde woman into entering Bud's apartment, claiming it belongs to his mother. Despite her suspicions, she unlocks the door, and they enter as Dobisch shuts it behind them. Meanwhile, Dr. Dreyfuss, annoyed by the noise from Bud's apartment, comments to his wife before retreating inside. The scene shifts to Bud, who is alone in Central Park, dressed in a raincoat and slippers, shivering on a damp bench. He eventually falls asleep as the wind swirls leaves around him, highlighting his isolation and exhaustion.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of suspense and humor
  • Strong emotional impact on the audience
  • Well-developed characters and dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Some predictable elements in the plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines suspense, humor, and melancholy, engaging the audience with a mix of emotions and unexpected events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a quiet night disrupted by unexpected visitors adds depth to the storyline and showcases the contrast in Bud's life.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of conflict and the escalation of events, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the secretive interactions between characters, the contrast between the urban setting and the natural environment, and the subtle hints at deeper conflicts and motivations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the interactions and conflicts in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While Bud's routine is disrupted, leading to some internal conflict, significant character changes are not prominent in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging or connection in a lonely and disconnected world. Bud's actions and surroundings reflect his deeper need for warmth, comfort, and security.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find shelter and rest after a long and exhausting night. Bud's immediate challenge is to find a place to sleep and escape the harsh elements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Bud's desire for solitude and the intrusion of Dobisch and the blonde creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and tension, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge. The unpredictable nature of the opposition adds depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high as Bud's peaceful night is disturbed, leading to potential consequences for his relationships and personal space.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, the shifting dynamics between them, and the mysterious elements that hint at deeper conflicts and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between appearances and reality, as characters like Dobisch and the blonde engage in deceptive actions while Dr. Dreyfuss reacts to the chaos around him. This challenges Bud's beliefs about trust and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense to humor to loneliness, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, humor, and underlying emotions of the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing character dynamics, and the sense of mystery surrounding the unfolding events. The audience is drawn into the characters' hidden motives and the evolving conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences and emotions. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, concise action lines, and effective transitions between locations. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and characters while maintaining a sense of tension and mystery. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively illustrates the consequences of Bud's decision to lend out his apartment, highlighting themes of invasion of privacy and personal sacrifice for career advancement. The humor in Dobisch's absurd lie about the apartment belonging to 'Maria Ouspenskaya' and the blonde's suspicious naivety adds a layer of comedy that contrasts with Bud's growing isolation, making the audience empathize with his predicament. However, the abrupt shift from the interior landing to the exterior Central Park setting feels disjointed, potentially disrupting the flow and emotional continuity. This jump could confuse viewers if not handled with clearer transitional elements, as it moves from a specific, character-driven moment to a more symbolic representation of Bud's loneliness without sufficient bridging.
  • Visually, the scene is strong in showing rather than telling: Dr. Dreyfuss's reaction to the noise from Bud's apartment reinforces the neighbor's ongoing annoyance and Bud's loss of control over his own space, while the Central Park sequence poignantly captures Bud's exhaustion and displacement through simple, evocative imagery like the swirling wet leaves and city lights. This aligns well with the film's overall tone of quiet desperation and humor, but the lack of dialogue in Bud's part might make it feel passive or underdeveloped, as we don't get insight into his thoughts beyond visual cues. Expanding on his internal state could deepen audience connection, especially since the previous scenes build up his reluctance and discomfort.
  • The dialogue is sparse and functional, which suits the comedic and observational style, but it could be more nuanced to reveal character motivations. For instance, Dobisch's impatient commands and the blonde's puzzled responses effectively convey their dynamic, but they feel somewhat stereotypical and could benefit from subtler humor to avoid caricature. Additionally, Dr. Dreyfuss's line 'he's at it again' ties back to earlier interactions (like scene 7), providing good continuity, but it might be over-relied upon as a recurring gag, potentially diminishing its impact if not varied. The fade out in Central Park emphasizes Bud's defeat, but it could be more impactful if the scene built more tension leading up to it, making his sleep a cathartic release rather than a sudden conclusion.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene is concise, estimated at around 40-60 seconds based on similar scenes, which keeps the story moving, but the two distinct locations might dilute focus. The landing segment advances the plot by showing the immediate misuse of Bud's apartment, while the Central Park part serves as a character beat, highlighting his loneliness. This bifurcation works thematically but could be streamlined to maintain momentum, especially in a longer script where scene 11 is early. Furthermore, the emotional tone shifts from humorous intrusion to somber isolation, which is handled well but could be smoothed to better guide the audience's feelings, ensuring the comedy doesn't undercut the pathos.
  • Overall, the scene fits into the narrative arc by escalating Bud's predicament and foreshadowing future conflicts, such as his interactions with neighbors and the toll on his personal life. However, it risks feeling like a series of vignettes rather than a cohesive unit, which might weaken its contribution to character development. As a teacher, I'd note that while the visual storytelling is a strength, incorporating more active choices for Bud could make him less of a victim and more proactive, aiding his growth throughout the script.
Suggestions
  • Add a transitional shot or sound bridge, such as fading the cha cha music from the apartment into the ambient city sounds in Central Park, to create a smoother flow between the two locations and maintain emotional continuity.
  • Incorporate subtle facial close-ups or internal monologue for Bud in the Central Park scene to convey his thoughts more explicitly, enhancing audience empathy without relying solely on visuals, perhaps through voice-over or expressive acting directions.
  • Refine the dialogue to add depth; for example, have the blonde's suspicion build with more probing questions that reveal Dobisch's character flaws, making their interaction more dynamic and less one-dimensional.
  • Consider condensing the scene by focusing more on Bud's reaction in the park, or integrate it with the previous scene to avoid abrupt cuts, ensuring each part advances the plot efficiently within the context of a 60-scene script.
  • To heighten emotional impact, emphasize symbolic elements like the wet leaves swirling around Bud to mirror his chaotic life, and suggest props or actions that reinforce themes, such as Bud clutching his raincoat tighter, to make the loneliness more visceral and memorable.



Scene 12 -  Morning Routine in the Lobby
INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - DAY
It's a quarter to nine of a gray November morning, and work-
bound employees are piling in through the doors. Among them
is Bud, bundled up in a raincoat, hat, heavy muffler and wool
gloves, and carrying a box of Kleenex. He coughs, pulls out
a tissue, wipes his dripping nose. He has a bad cold. The
lobby is an imposing, marbled affair, as befits a company
which last year wrote 9.3 billion dollars worth of insurance.
There are sixteen elevators, eight of them marked LOCAL -
FLOORS 1-18, and opposite them eight marked EXPRESS - FLOORS
18-37. The starter, a uniformed Valkyrie wielding a clicker,
is directing the flow of traffic into the various elevators.
Bud joins the crowd in front of one of the express elevators.
Also standing there is Mr. Kirkeby, reading the Herald-
Tribune.
BUD
(hoarsely)
Good morning, Mr. Kirkeby.
KIRKEBY
(as if he just knew him
vaguely)
Oh, how are you, Baxter. They
keeping you busy these days?
BUD
Yes, sir. They are indeed.
(he sniffs)
The elevator doors open, revealing the operator. She is in
her middle twenties and her name is FRAN KUBELIK. Maybe it's
the way she's put together, maybe it's her face, or maybe
it's just the uniform -- in any case, there is something very
appealing about her. She is also an individualist -- she
wears a carnation in her lapel, which is strictly against
regulations. As the elevator loads, she greets the
passengers cheerfully.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
FRAN
(rattling it off)
Morning, Mr. Kessel -- Morning,
Miss Robinson -- Morning, Mr.
Kirkeby -- Morning, Mr. Williams --
Morning, Miss Livingston --
Morning, Mr. McKellway -- Morning,
Mr. Pirelli -- Morning, Mrs.
Schubert --
Interspersed is an occasional "Morning, Miss Kubelik" from
the passengers.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Morning, Mr. Baxter.
BUD
Morning, Miss Kubelik.
He takes his hat off -- he is the only one. The express is
now loaded.
STARTER
(working the clicker)
That's all. Take it away.
FRAN
(shutting the door)
Watch the door, please. Blasting
off.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary On a gray November morning, Bud enters the lobby of a large insurance building, bundled up due to a bad cold. He joins a crowd waiting for the express elevators, exchanging brief greetings with Mr. Kirkeby and the cheerful elevator operator, Fran Kubelik, who greets passengers by name. The scene captures the routine hustle of office life, with Bud's discomfort contrasted by Fran's charm, culminating in her playful announcement as the elevator doors close.
Strengths
  • Detailed setting description
  • Realistic character interactions
  • Introduction of intriguing character (Fran Kubelik)
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5

The scene effectively sets the tone for the day-to-day life of the characters, introduces key elements like Fran Kubelik, and establishes a sense of routine and monotony with a touch of humor.


Story Content

Concept: 7.5

The concept of showcasing the morning routine of the characters in a corporate setting is well-executed, providing insight into their daily lives and setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7.2

The plot in this scene focuses on the daily routine of the characters, setting the stage for potential conflicts and character developments. It serves as a foundation for the narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar workplace dynamics but adds originality through nuanced character descriptions and interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced effectively, with Bud Baxter and Fran Kubelik standing out. Their interactions and behaviors hint at potential arcs and conflicts to come.

Character Changes: 4

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, especially for Bud Baxter and Fran Kubelik, but no significant transformations occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his work environment while dealing with a bad cold. This reflects his need to balance personal health with professional responsibilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to interact with his colleagues and board the elevator to start his workday. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing social interactions while feeling unwell.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on establishing the setting and characters. It hints at potential conflicts to come but does not present them directly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of potential conflicts and challenges for the protagonist, keeping the audience intrigued about future developments.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the routine and interactions of the characters. However, hints of potential conflicts suggest higher stakes to come.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the characters, setting, and daily routine. It lays the groundwork for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and potential conflicts, keeping the audience curious about the unfolding dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between conformity and individuality, as seen in Fran Kubelik's non-regulation attire and the passengers' responses to her. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about following rules versus expressing individuality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is limited in this scene, as it primarily focuses on the mundane morning routine. However, hints of melancholy and humor add depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is realistic and serves to establish the characters' relationships and dynamics. It conveys the monotony and humor of daily interactions in a corporate environment.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the mundane yet relatable world of the characters, setting up potential conflicts and character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively sets the tone and atmosphere of a busy work morning, balancing character introductions with subtle hints of conflicts to come.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven workplace setting, effectively introducing the characters and setting while setting up potential conflicts.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a transitional moment, reintroducing the corporate setting and contrasting Bud's personal struggles from the previous scenes with the impersonal, bustling office environment. It highlights Bud's character traits—his politeness and consideration (e.g., removing his hat) against the backdrop of a cold, rainy morning, which mirrors his internal loneliness and vulnerability established earlier. However, the rapid succession of greetings by Fran feels somewhat mechanical and expository, potentially overwhelming the audience with a list of names that don't all contribute to character development or plot advancement. This could dilute the focus on key relationships, such as the budding connection between Bud and Fran, making the scene feel like a rote setup rather than an engaging narrative beat. Additionally, while Fran's cheerful demeanor and humorous line ('Blasting off') add levity and personality, it might not fully capitalize on the opportunity to deepen emotional stakes, especially given Bud's recent exhaustion and displacement in scene 11. The scene's visual elements, like the marbled lobby and elevator interactions, reinforce the theme of corporate dehumanization, but they could be more integrated with Bud's emotional state to create a stronger sense of irony or contrast. Overall, as the 12th scene in a 60-scene script, it successfully bridges personal and professional worlds but risks feeling inconsequential if not tied more explicitly to the larger character arcs, such as Bud's growing infatuation with Fran or his exploitation by colleagues.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional but lacks depth, with exchanges like Bud's hoarse greeting and Fran's rapid-fire 'Morning' calls serving more as exposition than character-revealing moments. For instance, Kirkeby's vague response to Bud underscores their hierarchical relationship, but it doesn't advance the conflict or provide new insights into their dynamic beyond what's already implied. Fran's individuality (wearing a carnation against regulations) is a nice touch that hints at her free-spirited nature, but it's underutilized here, as the scene doesn't explore why she's appealing or how she fits into the story's themes of loneliness and human connection. Visually, the description of the lobby emphasizes the company's scale and impersonality, which aligns with the voice-over narration from earlier scenes, but it could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience, such as the sound of footsteps echoing or the chill of the air, to heighten the atmosphere and reflect Bud's discomfort. Finally, the scene's end with Fran's joke feels abrupt and isolated, potentially missing a chance to foreshadow the romantic tension that develops later, making it a missed opportunity to build anticipation in a script that relies on subtle character interactions.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, this scene is concise and moves quickly, which is appropriate for a transitional moment, but it might feel static compared to the more dynamic sequences in scenes 9-11, where Bud's personal life is disrupted. The conflict here is minimal—Bud's cold and the routine of entering the elevator—yet it could be amplified to reflect the ongoing themes of intrusion and loss of control in Bud's life. For example, the starter's use of a clicker and the regulated flow of people symbolize the corporate machine, but this could be contrasted more sharply with Bud's individual humanity to emphasize his alienation. As a reader or viewer, this scene helps establish the daily grind that frames Bud's story, but it could be more engaging by incorporating subtle hints of the emotional fallout from scene 11, such as Bud's fatigue or distraction, to create a smoother narrative flow and maintain momentum in the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the elevator greetings by reducing the number of named passengers and focusing on key interactions, such as Fran's greeting with Bud, to make the scene less repetitive and more character-driven, allowing the audience to connect with their dynamic earlier.
  • Add sensory details or internal thoughts to enhance immersion, like describing Bud's sniffles more vividly or showing his reaction to Fran's cheerfulness through close-ups, to better convey his emotional state and build sympathy.
  • Incorporate subtle foreshadowing of Bud and Fran's relationship, such as a lingering glance or a small gesture, to heighten romantic tension and make the scene feel more integral to the overall arc.
  • Enhance the humor in Fran's 'Blasting off' line by building up to it with more context or a reaction shot from Bud, ensuring it lands effectively and ties into the scene's tone without feeling forced.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to reveal more about character motivations; for instance, have Kirkeby's response hint at his awareness of Bud's situation from previous scenes, adding layers to their interaction and advancing minor conflicts.



Scene 13 -  Elevator Encounters
INT. ELEVATOR
Bud is standing right next to Fran as the packed express
shoots up.
BUD
(studying her)
What did you do to your hair?
FRAN
It was making me nervous, so I
chopped it off. Big mistake, huh?
BUD
I sort of like it.
He sniffs, takes out a Kleenex, wipes his nose.
FRAN
Say, you got a lulu.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Yeah. I better not get too close.
FRAN
Oh, I never catch colds.
BUD
Really? I was looking at some
figures from the Sickness and
Accident Claims Division -- do you
know that the average New Yorker
between the ages of twenty and
fifty has two and a half colds a
year?
FRAN
That makes me feel just terrible.
BUD
Why?
FRAN
Well, to make the figures come out
even -- since I have no colds a
year -- some poor slob must have
five colds a year.
BUD
That's me.
(dabs his nose)
FRAN
You should have stayed in bed this
morning.
BUD
I should have stayed in bed last
night.
The elevator has slowed down, now stops. Fran opens the
door.
FRAN
Nineteen. Watch your step.
About a third of the passengers get out, including Bud and
Mr. Kirkeby. As Kirkeby passes Fran, he slaps her behind
with his folded newspaper. Fran jumps slightly.
FRAN (CONT’D)
(all in the day's work)
And watch your hand, Mr. Kirkeby!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
KIRKEBY
(innocently)
I beg your pardon?
FRAN
One of these days I'm going to shut
those doors on you and --
She withdraws her hand into the sleeve of her uniform, and
waves the "amputated" arm at him.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Twenty next.
The doors close.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In a crowded elevator, Bud compliments Fran on her new haircut, leading to a humorous exchange about colds and statistics. As they banter, Mr. Kirkeby inappropriately slaps Fran's behind, which she playfully rebuffs. The scene is light-hearted and flirtatious, concluding with Fran announcing the next floor as the doors close.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Natural character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with clever dialogue, humor, and a touch of vulnerability, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a brief, humorous interaction between two characters in a mundane setting like an elevator is well-executed, adding depth to the characters.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot doesn't significantly progress in this scene, it serves as a moment of character development and interaction, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a fresh approach to showcasing social dynamics in a confined space like an elevator. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Fran are well-defined through their dialogue, humor, and vulnerabilities, making them relatable and engaging for the audience.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of Bud and Fran's personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a casual and humorous demeanor despite the awkward and uncomfortable situation in the elevator. This reflects the deeper need for social ease and the desire to navigate social interactions with wit and charm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reach their destination safely and without any major incidents. This goal reflects the immediate circumstance of being in a crowded elevator and the challenge of dealing with other passengers' behaviors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle conflicts arising from the characters' differing perspectives and behaviors, adding depth to the interactions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics rather than high-stakes situations.

Story Forward: 6

The scene doesn't propel the main plot significantly forward but adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and character reactions in a mundane setting like an elevator, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between Fran's carefree attitude towards health and Bud's concern with statistical data. This challenges Fran's belief in living in the moment and Bud's belief in being cautious and prepared for potential risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a mix of light-hearted amusement and a hint of melancholy, creating an emotional connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities, driving the scene forward with humor and depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters, the relatable setting of an elevator, and the comedic tension created by the interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension through dialogue exchanges and character movements, leading to a satisfying resolution at the end of the elevator ride.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format for dialogue, character cues, and scene descriptions, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay, with clear character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses the confined space of the elevator to create an intimate, comedic interaction between Bud and Fran, which builds on their established characters from previous scenes. Bud's obsession with statistics, a trait introduced in the opening voice-over, is cleverly woven into the dialogue, making it feel organic to his personality and providing humorous insight into his analytical nature. This consistency helps in character development and maintains the film's tone of blending humor with everyday absurdities.
  • Fran's dialogue and reactions are sharp and engaging, showcasing her wit and professionalism, which contrasts well with Bud's more awkward demeanor. Her playful response to Kirkeby's inappropriate behavior adds a layer of realism to the workplace dynamics and highlights themes of gender interactions in a corporate setting, though it risks feeling stereotypical if not handled with care. The exchange advances the budding romance between Bud and Fran subtly, making their chemistry more apparent without overt declarations.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with the cold statistics and Fran's sarcastic retort, is well-timed and fits the farcical style of the screenplay. However, the statistical detail about colds might come across as slightly expository or forced, potentially slowing the pace in a scene that should feel quick and confined. This could alienate viewers if it doesn't land perfectly, as it interrupts the natural flow of conversation.
  • Kirkeby's action of slapping Fran's behind is a bold comedic beat that emphasizes the casual sexism present in the story's world, tying into broader themes of corporate culture and personal boundaries. While it provides a moment of physical comedy and character contrast, it might feel dated or one-dimensional, lacking depth in Kirkeby's motivation beyond being a stock antagonist. This could be an opportunity to add more nuance to make the scene more impactful and less reliant on clichés.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a strong transitional moment, connecting the loneliness and frustration from Bud's nighttime misadventures in previous scenes to his daily life at work. It effectively uses visual and auditory elements, like the elevator's movement and Fran's uniform, to enhance the setting's authenticity, but it could benefit from more visual storytelling to convey emotions, such as close-ups on facial expressions, to make the scene more cinematic and less dialogue-heavy.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the dialogue about the cold statistics to make it more concise and integrated, perhaps by having Bud deliver it as a quirky aside rather than a full explanation, to maintain pacing and keep the humor snappy.
  • Add more visual elements to emphasize character emotions and the confined space, such as a close-up on Fran's face when she reacts to Bud's compliment or on Bud's nose-wiping to heighten the comedy and discomfort, making the scene more engaging for visual mediums.
  • Refine Kirkeby's character action to add depth or consequences; for example, have Fran respond in a way that subtly foreshadows future conflicts or shows her growing assertiveness, to make the moment more than just a gag and better serve the overall narrative.
  • Consider updating the humor for modern audiences by toning down potentially dated elements like the casual sexism, perhaps by making Fran's retort more empowering or adding a line that highlights workplace equality themes without altering the core comedy.
  • Use the elevator setting to build tension or foreshadowing, such as having Bud's cold symptoms subtly reference his exhaustion from the previous night, linking back to his park sleep in scene 11, to create a stronger narrative thread and deepen character empathy.



Scene 14 -  Office Dynamics and Personal Aspirations
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
Kirkeby turns away from the elevator, and grinning smugly,
falls in beside Bud.
KIRKEBY
That Kubelik -- boy! Would I like
to get her on a slow elevator to
China.
BUD
Oh, yes. She's the best operator
in the building.
KIRKEBY
I'm a pretty good operator myself --
but she just won't give me a tumble
-- date-wise.
BUD
Maybe you're using the wrong
approach.
KIRKEBY
A lot of guys around here have
tried it -- all kinds of approaches
-- no dice. What is she trying to
prove?
BUD
Could be she's just a nice,
respectable girl -- there are
millions of them.
KIRKEBY
Listen to him. Little Lord
Fauntleroy!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Leaving Bud at the employees' coat-racks, Kirkeby heads
toward his office, one of the glass-enclosed cubicles. Bud
hangs up his hat and raincoat, stows away the gloves and
muffler.
Out of his coat pocket he takes a plastic anti- histamine
sprayer and a box of cough drops, and still carrying the
Kleenex, threads his way to his desk. Most of the desks are
already occupied, and the others are filling rapidly. Once
seated at his desk, Bud arranges his medicaments neatly in
front of him.
He takes a Kleenex out of the box, blows his nose, then
leaning back in his swivel chair sprays first one nostril,
then the other. Suddenly the piercing bell goes off -- the
workday has begun.
Being the ultra-conscientious type, Bud instantly sits
upright in his chair, removes the cover from his computing
machine, picks up a batch of perforated premium cards, starts
entering figures on his computer. After a few seconds, he
glances around to make sure that everybody in the vicinity is
busy. Then he looks up a number in the company telephone
directory, dials furtively.
BUD
(cupping hand over phone
mouthpiece)
Hello, Mr. Dobisch? This is Baxter,
on the nineteenth floor.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Kirkeby expresses his frustration over elevator operator Kubelik's lack of interest in him, while Bud defends her as a respectable woman. After their humorous exchange, Kirkeby leaves for his office, and Bud prepares for the workday, meticulously organizing his desk and medications. As the office fills with employees, Bud demonstrates his conscientious nature by immediately starting work and making a secretive phone call to Mr. Dobisch, introducing himself as Baxter.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces character dynamics and humor through dialogue, setting a tone for future interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing workplace banter and character relationships in an elevator setting is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot doesn't significantly progress, the scene serves as a character-building moment within the larger narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on office politics and personal relationships, blending humor with underlying themes of ambition and loneliness. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Kirkeby are well-defined through their dialogue, showcasing their personalities and attitudes.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it further solidifies the existing character traits of Bud and Kirkeby.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his feelings of inadequacy and loneliness by seeking validation through his work and interactions with colleagues.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to excel in his job and climb the corporate ladder, as evidenced by his conscientious work ethic and attempts to impress his superiors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict in the differing attitudes of Bud and Kirkeby, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, represented by Bud's internal struggles and external challenges at work, adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative, creating a sense of intrigue.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and humor.

Story Forward: 6

The scene contributes to character development and relationship dynamics, subtly moving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its office setting and character interactions, but the subtle humor and nuanced conflicts add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on relationships and success. Kirkeby's casual attitude towards women contrasts with Bud's more earnest approach, reflecting their conflicting values and attitudes towards work and personal life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a light-hearted and amused emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, relatable character dynamics, and underlying tensions that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and advancing the narrative smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format typical of workplace dramas, effectively establishing the setting, characters, and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Bud's character as overly conscientious and somewhat naive through his actions and dialogue, such as defending Fran's respectability and meticulously arranging his medications. This reinforces the script's theme of Bud being a 'schnook' who is taken advantage of, providing continuity from previous scenes and helping readers understand his personality. However, the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and stereotypical, with Kirkeby's lines about wanting to 'get her on a slow elevator to China' coming across as overly blunt and lacking subtlety, which might reduce the comedic impact in a script that relies on humor for tone.
  • Pacing in this scene is somewhat sluggish due to the detailed description of Bud's routine actions, like hanging up his coat and using the nasal spray, which may feel repetitive if similar beats have been shown earlier. This could disengage viewers who are already familiar with Bud's habits from scenes 12 and 13, making the scene feel like filler rather than advancing the plot significantly. While it sets up the furtive phone call to Dobisch, the transition to this action feels abrupt, lacking a smooth build-up that could heighten tension or curiosity.
  • The interaction between Kirkeby and Bud highlights office dynamics and foreshadows Bud's involvement in the apartment scheme, but it misses an opportunity to deepen character relationships or add layers to the conflict. For instance, Kirkeby's mockery of Bud as 'Little Lord Fauntleroy' is a good touch for humor, but it doesn't evolve their dynamic beyond surface-level banter, which could make the scene more memorable if it revealed more about their motivations or history. Additionally, the scene's focus on Bud's cold symptoms continues from the previous scene, but it risks becoming a crutch for sympathy without contributing to emotional growth.
  • Visually, the scene uses actions like Bud spraying his nose and starting work to show rather than tell his character, which is a strength in screenwriting. However, it could better utilize the setting—the sterile office environment—to enhance the thematic elements of corporate dehumanization, perhaps by contrasting Bud's personal struggles with the impersonal surroundings. The ending with the workday bell and the phone call ties into the larger narrative of Bud's exploitation, but it feels somewhat isolated, not fully capitalizing on the comedic or dramatic potential from the immediate context of Fran's introduction in the elevator scene.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a transitional piece that maintains momentum from the elevator banter in scene 13, but it lacks a strong hook or emotional stake that could make it more engaging. In a screenplay with 60 scenes, this early moment should build intrigue around Bud's dual life (work and personal), yet it primarily recycles established traits without pushing the story forward in a way that surprises or deepens understanding, potentially making it less impactful for audiences who expect escalating conflict in a romantic comedy-drama.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to be more nuanced and witty; for example, make Kirkeby's advances subtler or add a callback to previous scenes to heighten humor and character consistency, ensuring it feels organic rather than expository.
  • Tighten the pacing by condensing Bud's routine actions—combine hanging up his coat with arranging medications into fewer beats—or use them to reveal something new, like Bud glancing at a photo or note that hints at his personal life, to avoid repetition and keep the scene dynamic.
  • Introduce a small conflict or foreshadowing element, such as Bud hesitating during the phone call or Kirkeby dropping a hint about the apartment scheme, to create anticipation and better connect to the overarching plot, making the scene more engaging and purposeful.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by incorporating more symbolic elements in the office setting, like focusing on the glass-enclosed cubicles to emphasize surveillance and isolation, which could mirror Bud's internal conflict and add depth without overloading the scene.
  • Consider reworking the end to build toward the phone call more fluidly, perhaps by having Bud glance at a calendar or note that reminds him of his obligations, ensuring the scene not only shows character but also advances the narrative tension effectively.



Scene 15 -  Key Mix-Up and Temperature Check
INT. DOBISCH'S OFFICE - DAY
It is a glass-enclosed cubicle on the twenty-first floor.
Through the glass we see another enormous layout of desks,
everybody working away. Dobisch is holding the phone in one
hand, running an electric shaver over his face with the
other.
DOBISCH
Oh, Buddy-boy. I was just about to
call you.
(shuts off electric
shaver)
I'm sorry about that mess on the
living room wall. You see, my
little friend, she kept insisting
Picasso was a bum -- so she started
to do that mural -- but I'm sure it
will wash off -- just eyebrow
pencil.

BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
It's not Picasso I'm calling about.
It's the key -- to my apartment --
you were supposed to leave it under
the mat.
DOBISCH - ON PHONE
DOBISCH
I did, didn't I? I distinctly
remember bending over and putting
it there --
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Oh, I found a key there, all right -
- only it's the wrong key.
DOBISCH - ON PHONE
DOBISCH
It is?
(takes Bud's key out of
his pocket)
Well, how about that? No wonder I
couldn't get into the executive
washroom this morning.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
And I couldn't get into my
apartment -- so at four a. m. I had
to wake up the landlady and give
her a whole song and dance about
going out to mail a letter and the
door slamming shut.
DOBISCH - ON PHONE
DOBISCH
That's a shame. I'll send the key
right down. And about your
promotion --
(leafs through report on
desk)
-- I'm sending that efficiency
report right up to Mr. Sheldrake,
in Personnel.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DOBISCH (CONT'D)
I wouldn't be surprised if you
heard from him before the day is
over.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Thank you, Mr. Dobisch.
He hangs up, feels his forehead. It is warm. Clipped to his
handkerchief pocket are a black fountain pen and, next to it,
a thermometer in a black case. Bud unclips the thermometer
case, unscrews the cap, shakes the thermometer out, puts it
under his tongue. He resumes work.
A messenger comes up to his desk with an interoffice
envelope.
MESSENGER
From Mr. Dobisch.
BUD
(thermometer in mouth)
Wait.
He turns away from the messenger, unties the string of the
envelope, takes his key out, puts it in a coat pocket. From a
trouser pocket, he extracts Dobisch's key to the executive
washroom, slips it discreetly into the envelope, reties it,
hands it to the messenger.
BUD (CONT’D)
(thermometer in mouth)
To Mr. Dobisch.
Puzzled by the whole procedure, the messenger leaves. Bud now
removes the thermometer from his mouth, reads it. It's worse
than he thought. He puts the thermometer back in the case,
clips it to his pocket, takes his desk calendar out of a
drawer, turns a leaf.
Under the date WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 there is an entry in his
handwriting -- MR. VANDERHOF. Bud consults the telephone
directory again, picks up the phone, dials.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this light-hearted scene, Dobisch juggles a phone call with Bud while shaving, discussing a key mix-up that left Bud locked out of his apartment. After a humorous exchange, Bud discreetly swaps keys with a messenger and checks his temperature, hinting at personal tension as he prepares to make a call regarding a scheduled meeting.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Comedic timing
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Predictable outcomes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, character dynamics, and a touch of chaos to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The mix-up with the keys adds a layer of complexity and amusement to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a key mix-up leading to a series of comedic events is clever and engaging. It adds a layer of humor and relatability to the mundane setting of an office environment.

Plot: 8.5

The plot revolves around the key mix-up, driving the interactions and misunderstandings between characters. It moves the story forward while maintaining a light-hearted and humorous tone.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to workplace interactions by combining personal mishaps with professional responsibilities, creating an authentic and engaging scenario.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and responses to the key mix-up showcase their personalities and relationships. The dialogue and actions reflect their quirks and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle shifts in the characters' interactions and perceptions due to the key mix-up, but no significant character development occurs within this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain professionalism and handle a mix-up with keys while dealing with a potential health issue indicated by his use of a thermometer.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to resolve the key mix-up and ensure his promotion is processed correctly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the mix-up with the keys, leading to humorous misunderstandings and complications. While not intense, the conflict adds comedic tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the key mix-up and health concern, adds complexity and uncertainty to the protagonist's journey.

High Stakes: 7

While the mix-up with the keys creates some stakes and complications for the characters, the overall impact is light-hearted and comedic rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict and setting up future developments. It maintains a good pace and keeps the audience engaged in the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in how the protagonist navigates the key mix-up and health concern, adding tension and curiosity for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between maintaining appearances in the workplace and dealing with personal challenges like health issues and living situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene's emotional impact is light-hearted and amusing, focusing more on humor and entertainment value rather than deep emotional resonance. It elicits amusement and engagement from the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the essence of the characters and the comedic situation. It drives the interactions forward and enhances the comedic elements of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the blend of humor, personal stakes, and workplace dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest through a mix of dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace setting, with clear character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively continues the theme of Bud being taken advantage of by his colleagues, as seen in previous scenes, by showing Dobisch's casual disregard for Bud's personal space and the consequences of his actions. This reinforces Bud's character as a put-upon, meticulous individual who is overly accommodating, which helps build sympathy for him and highlights the comedic elements of the screenplay's corporate satire. However, the key mix-up feels somewhat repetitive if similar incidents have occurred earlier, potentially diluting the humor and making Bud's frustrations less impactful over time.
  • Dialogue in the scene is functional and reveals character traits—Dobisch's flippancy and Bud's politeness—but it could be more engaging. For instance, Dobisch's apology for the 'mess on the living room wall' adds a humorous visual element, but it might come across as too exposition-heavy, explaining events from previous scenes rather than advancing new conflict. This could make the scene feel like a cleanup of plot threads rather than a dynamic moment, reducing tension and emotional investment.
  • Visually, the scene uses the glass-enclosed office to show the larger office environment, emphasizing the impersonal corporate setting, which is consistent with the overall script. Bud's actions with the thermometer and key exchange are well-described and add to his character's neurotic attention to detail, providing subtle comedy. However, the pacing feels rushed in parts, particularly with Bud's quick handling of the messenger and his immediate shift to checking his temperature and making another call, which might not give the audience enough time to absorb the humor or Bud's internal state.
  • In the context of the entire screenplay, this scene serves as a bridge, resolving the immediate fallout from Dobisch's use of the apartment and setting up Bud's rescheduling calls, which hint at his busy life and the favors he's doing for others. It also subtly builds toward Bud's potential promotion, increasing stakes. That said, the scene lacks deeper emotional resonance or character development beyond reinforcing established traits, missing an opportunity to explore Bud's growing frustration or hint at his evolving relationship with Fran, which is developing in parallel scenes.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the dialogue to make it snappier and more natural; for example, condense Dobisch's explanation of the mess and key mix-up to heighten the comedy and reduce exposition, allowing the audience to infer some details from context.
  • Add a moment of internal conflict or physical comedy for Bud to show his exasperation more vividly, such as him sighing heavily or fumbling with the thermometer while on the phone, to deepen the audience's connection to his character and emphasize the toll these incidents take on him.
  • Enhance visual elements by describing Dobisch's multitasking (shaving while talking) in more detail to amplify the humor, or show Bud's discreet key swap with a close-up or reaction shot to build suspense and make the scene more cinematic.
  • Integrate a subtle foreshadowing element related to Bud's health or his relationships with other characters, like a brief thought about Fran during his temperature check, to better tie this scene into the larger narrative and maintain momentum in Bud's character arc.



Scene 16 -  Corporate Conflicts and Calendar Chaos
INT. VANDERHOF'S OFFICE - DAY
This is another glass-enclosed cubicle on another floor. MR.
VANDERHOF, a Junior Chamber of Commerce type, is dictating to
an elderly secretary who sits across the desk from him.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
VANDERHOF
Dear Mr. MacIntosh --
(phone rings and he picks
it up)
Vanderhof, Public Relations. Oh,
yes, Baxter. Just a minute.
(to secretary)
All right, Miss Finch -- type up
what we got so far.
(he waits till she is out
of the office; then, into
phone)
Now what is it, Baxter?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Look, Mr. Vanderhof -- I've got you
down here for tonight -- but I'm
going to be using the place myself -
- so I'll have to cancel.
VANDERHOF - ON PHONE
VANDERHOF
Cancel? But it's her birthday -- I
already ordered the cake --
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
I hate to disappoint you -- I mean,
many happy returns -- but not
tonight --
VANDERHOF - ON PHONE
VANDERHOF
That's not like you, Baxter. Just
the other day, at the staff
meeting, I was telling Mr.
Sheldrake what a reliable man you
were.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Thank you, Mr. Vanderhof. But I'm
sick -- I have this terrible cold --
and a fever -- and I got to go to
bed right after work.

VANDERHOF - ON PHONE
VANDERHOF
Buddy-boy, that's the worst thing
you can do. If you got a cold, you
should go to a Turkish bath --
spend the night there -- sweat it
out --
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Oh, no. I'd get pneumonia -- and if
I got pneumonia, I'd be in bed for
a month -- and if I were in bed for
a month --
VANDERHOF - ON PHONE
VANDERHOF
Okay, you made your point. We'll
just have to do it next Wednesday --
that's the only night of the week I
can get away.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Wednesday -- Wednesday --
(leafing through calendar)
I got somebody penciled in -- let
me see what I can do -- I'll get
back to you.
He hangs up, riffles through the directory, finds the number,
and with a furtive look around, dials again.
BUD (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Mr. Eichelberger? Is this Mortgage
and Loan? I'd like to speak to Mr.
Eichelberger. Yes, it is urgent.
INT. EICHELBERGER'S OFFICE - DAY
Also glass-enclosed, but slightly larger than the others. MR.
EICHELBERGER, a solid citizen of about fifty, is displaying
some mortgage graphs to three associates. A fourth one has
answered the phone.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
ASSOCIATE
(holding out phone to
Eichelberger)
For you, Mel.
Eichelberger puts the charts down, takes the phone.
EIGHELBERGER
Eichelberger here -- oh, yes,
Baxter --
(a glance at his
associates; then
continues, as though it
were a business call)
What's your problem? -- Wednesday
is out? -- oh -- that throws a
little monkey wrench into my agenda
-- Thursday? No, I'm all tied up on
Thursday -- let's schedule that
meeting for Friday.
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Friday?
(checks calendar)
Let me see what I can do. I'll get
back to you.
He hangs up, consults the directory, starts to dial a number.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 16, set in a corporate environment, Mr. Vanderhof is in his glass-enclosed office dictating a letter when he receives a phone call from Bud, who cancels their planned birthday meeting due to a fabricated illness. Vanderhof, disappointed, suggests a Turkish bath, but Bud insists on staying in bed. They tentatively reschedule for the following Wednesday. Bud then calls Mr. Eichelberger to discuss rescheduling a business meeting, agreeing on Friday after noting a calendar conflict. The scene highlights Bud's busy schedule management and the light-hearted, comedic tone of corporate interactions.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Comedic elements
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written with witty dialogue, comedic elements, and character interactions that keep the audience engaged. It effectively conveys the office dynamics and Bud's personal struggles with his cold.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around Bud's cancelled plans and his interactions with Mr. Vanderhof due to his cold. It effectively explores themes of responsibility, communication, and office etiquette.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around Bud's phone conversation with Mr. Vanderhof, highlighting the comedic misunderstandings and the impact of Bud's cold on his plans. It advances the narrative by showcasing Bud's personal struggles and relationships with colleagues.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to office interactions by blending humor with professional settings. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add a layer of originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Bud and Mr. Vanderhof, are well-developed and distinct in their personalities. Bud's conscientious nature and Mr. Vanderhof's Junior Chamber of Commerce type persona add depth to the interactions.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene, with Bud maintaining his conscientious nature and Mr. Vanderhof showcasing his Junior Chamber of Commerce type persona consistently.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and manage unexpected changes in plans. This reflects their need for order and predictability in their work life.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to reschedule a meeting due to unforeseen circumstances. This reflects the immediate challenge of accommodating changes in the schedule.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and personal struggles rather than intense conflicts. It serves to highlight character relationships and dynamics.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty about the outcome of the scheduling conflicts, adding a layer of tension and intrigue.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and personal inconveniences rather than high-stakes conflicts. The consequences are light-hearted and temporary.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing Bud's personal struggles, workplace dynamics, and the impact of his cold on his plans. It sets up future interactions and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' responses and the shifting plans, keeping the audience intrigued about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between reliability and personal well-being. Vanderhof values reliability and work ethic, while Bud prioritizes his health and personal needs over work commitments.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene has a light-hearted and humorous tone, providing moments of amusement and engagement for the audience. While not deeply emotional, it elicits a sense of empathy for Bud's cold-induced predicament.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and drives the comedic elements effectively. It reveals character traits, advances the plot, and maintains the tone of the screenplay.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue exchanges, the humor injected into serious business discussions, and the relatable scenario of scheduling conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of quick exchanges and pauses that build tension and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format for dialogue and scene descriptions, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy office setting, with clear transitions between characters and locations.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues to build Bud's character as a meticulous and anxious individual who is deeply entangled in a web of deceptions, showing his reliance on lies to manage the executives' demands for his apartment. It highlights the comedic elements of the script through Bud's exaggerated excuses about his illness, which ties back to his cold introduced in earlier scenes, reinforcing continuity and character consistency, but it risks feeling repetitive if similar phone call scenes are frequent, as it doesn't introduce significant new conflicts or revelations beyond Bud's juggling act.
  • The dialogue serves to expose Bud's predicament and the executives' casual attitudes toward their extramarital affairs, but it can come across as somewhat stilted and expository, with lines like 'Buddy-boy' and the Turkish bath suggestion feeling overly stereotypical and less natural, which might distance viewers from the characters if not balanced with more subtle or humorous delivery. Additionally, the scene's structure, with back-to-back phone calls, emphasizes Bud's isolation and the impersonal nature of his relationships, but it lacks visual dynamism, making it feel static and overly reliant on dialogue without sufficient action or environmental details to engage the audience visually.
  • In terms of plot advancement, the scene underscores the growing complications of Bud's apartment-lending scheme, as he cancels and reschedules meetings, which builds tension toward potential consequences, but it doesn't deepen the emotional stakes significantly at this point in the story (scene 16 of 60), as Bud's health excuse feels like a minor deflection rather than a pivotal moment. The humor derived from Bud's furtive behavior and the executives' obliviousness is well-intentioned, aligning with the script's overall tone, but it could be more impactful if it revealed more about Bud's internal conflict or hinted at the moral toll of his actions, making the critique more helpful for character development.
  • Visually, the scene is confined to glass-enclosed offices, which symbolically represents the corporate transparency and surveillance theme, but the description is sparse, focusing mainly on phone interactions without leveraging cinematic techniques like close-ups on Bud's anxious expressions or cuts between locations to heighten the comedy and tension. This could make the scene less memorable compared to more dynamic sequences, and while it effectively transitions between characters (Vanderhof and Eichelberger), it might benefit from stronger integration with the broader narrative to avoid feeling like a procedural interlude.
  • Overall, the scene is functional in maintaining the script's rhythm and advancing the subplot of Bud's exploitative relationships, but it could be more engaging by amplifying the stakes or adding layers of irony, such as contrasting Bud's fabricated illness with his real emotional strain, which would help readers and viewers better understand his character arc and the thematic elements of deception and loneliness in a corporate setting.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue by making it more naturalistic; for example, have Bud's excuses evolve with more personal touches or hesitations to show his discomfort, reducing the expository feel and making interactions feel more authentic.
  • Add visual elements to break up the phone-heavy dialogue, such as quick cuts to Bud's calendar or furtive glances around the office, or show him physically reacting to the stress, like wiping sweat from his brow, to make the scene more cinematic and engaging.
  • Incorporate subtle hints of Bud's internal conflict, perhaps through voice-over or facial expressions, to deepen character development and connect more strongly to the overarching themes, making his lies feel more consequential.
  • Vary the pacing by shortening the phone conversations or intercutting with other office activities to prevent repetition and maintain momentum, especially if similar scenes occur frequently in the script.
  • Strengthen the scene's role in plot progression by foreshadowing future conflicts, such as a brief mention of potential discovery or Bud's growing resentment, to make it more integral to the narrative rather than a standalone scheduling sequence.



Scene 17 -  Schedule Switch and Date Night
INT. KIRKEBY'S OFFICE - DAY
It's another of those glass-enclosed cubicles, on the
nineteenth floor. Kirkeby is talking into a dictaphone.
KIRKEBY
Premium-wise and billing-wise, we
are eighteen percent ahead of last
year, October-wise.
The phone has been ringing. Kirkeby switches off the machine,
picks up the phone.
KIRKEBY (CONT’D)
Hello? Yeah, Baxter. What's up?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Instead of Friday -- could you
possibly switch to Thursday? You'd
be doing me a great favor --

KIRKEBY - ON PHONE
KIRKEBY
Well -- it's all right with me,
Bud. Let me check. I'll get back to
you.
He presses down the button on the cradle, dials Operator.
INT. SWITCHBOARD ROOM
There is a double switchboard in the center, with nine girls
on each side, all busy as beavers. In the foreground we
recognize Sylvia, Kirkeby's date of last night.
SYLVIA
Consolidated Life -- I'll connect
you -- Consolidated Life --
The girl next to her turns and holds out a line.
SWITCHBOARD GIRL
Sylvia -- it's for you.
Sylvia plugs the call into her own switchboard.
SYLVIA
Yes? Oh, hello -- sure I got home
all right -- you owe me forty-five
cents.
KIRKEBY - ON PHONE
KIRKEBY
Okay, okay. Look, Sylvia -- instead
of Friday - could we make it
Thursday night?
SYLVIA - AT SWITCHBOARD
SYLVIA
Thursday? That's The Untouchables --
with Bob Stack.
KIRKEBY - ON PHONE
KIRKEBY
Bob WHO? -- all right, so we'll
watch it at the apartment. Big
deal.
(he hangs up, dials)
Baxter? It's okay for Thursday.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 17, Kirkeby is in his office dictating business statistics when he receives a call from Bud requesting to switch their plans from Friday to Thursday. After tentatively agreeing, he calls Sylvia, a switchboard operator and his date from the previous night, to propose the same change. Initially hesitant due to a conflicting TV show, Sylvia is persuaded by Kirkeby to watch it together at his apartment. The scene concludes with Kirkeby confirming the schedule change with Bud, blending professional duties with light-hearted personal interactions.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Realistic office setting
Weaknesses
  • Low emotional impact
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively blends humor with the everyday office setting, creating an engaging and relatable scenario. The dialogue is witty and the character interactions are entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juggling personal commitments with work responsibilities is effectively portrayed, adding depth to the characters and highlighting their individual priorities.

Plot: 8.2

The plot revolves around a simple scheduling conflict but manages to capture the audience's attention through witty dialogue and character dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on office dynamics by blending humor with everyday workplace interactions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and the portrayal of office life add originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Each character brings a unique perspective to the scene, enhancing the overall dynamics.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on showcasing the characters' personalities and interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate personal relationships and social obligations while balancing work commitments. This reflects their need for approval and desire to maintain harmony in their interactions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to accommodate a request from a colleague, showcasing their willingness to help and be flexible in a professional setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is mild, revolving around a scheduling dilemma, but it adds a layer of tension and humor to the interactions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, though not overtly intense, adds a layer of uncertainty and complexity to the protagonist's decisions, creating intrigue and keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, centering around a scheduling conflict rather than life-altering decisions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing personal conflicts and establishing character dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character interactions and the humorous yet surprising resolutions to conflicts, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's work-life balance and the value placed on personal relationships versus professional responsibilities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about priorities and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with moments of humor and light-heartedness overshadowing any deeper emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable workplace scenarios, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of quick exchanges and moments of pause that create a natural flow and build tension where needed, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace setting, with clear transitions between locations and interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene effectively continues the theme of Bud's manipulation of his personal life for career advancement, showing how his apartment-lending scheme creates a web of dependencies and rescheduling among the executives. It highlights the casual, almost banal way in which moral compromises are made in a corporate environment, which is consistent with the film's satirical tone, but it risks feeling repetitive if previous scenes have already established similar patterns of phone calls and date arrangements, potentially diluting the impact by not introducing new conflicts or deepening character insights beyond surface-level humor.
  • The dialogue is functional and maintains the comedic rhythm with quick exchanges, such as Sylvia's reluctance over missing 'The Untouchables' and Kirkeby's persuasive rebuttal, which adds a layer of light-heartedness to the otherwise sleazy undertones of their affair. However, it lacks subtlety in exposing the characters' motivations; for instance, Kirkeby's immediate agreement to reschedule without pushback makes him seem one-dimensional, and Sylvia's reference to the TV show feels like a convenient plot device rather than a genuine character trait, which could make the scene more engaging if it revealed more about their personalities or relationships.
  • Visually, the scene is confined to static settings—Kirkeby's glass office and the switchboard room—which mirrors the impersonal corporate world but limits cinematic interest. The use of the dictaphone and phone calls is practical for exposition, but it doesn't leverage the medium of film to create dynamic visuals or actions that could heighten tension or humor, such as showing Kirkeby's frustration through physical ticks or Sylvia's multitasking with calls to emphasize the chaos of her job.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene moves briskly, advancing the plot by resolving Bud's request through Kirkeby's call to Sylvia, but it doesn't build significant emotional stakes or conflict. The transition between locations (Kirkeby's office to the switchboard) is handled well through intercutting, yet the overall lack of escalation—such as a moment where Sylvia challenges Kirkeby or Kirkeby hints at jealousy over Bud's arrangements—makes it feel like a minor beat rather than a memorable one, especially in a longer script where such scenes need to contribute to character arcs or thematic development.
  • The scene's humor relies on the absurdity of corporate life intersecting with personal indiscretions, which fits the film's style, but it could be critiqued for not evolving the central conflict involving Bud's growing discomfort with his role. For example, while it shows Bud's indirect influence, it misses an opportunity to foreshadow his moral awakening, making the scene somewhat isolated in the narrative flow and less impactful for readers who might not see its connection to broader themes of loneliness and integrity.
Suggestions
  • Enhance visual interest by adding more descriptive actions, such as Kirkeby glancing nervously at his office door while on the phone or Sylvia juggling multiple switchboard plugs to convey the high-pressure environment, making the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Refine the dialogue to add depth and specificity; for instance, have Sylvia make a sarcastic comment about Kirkeby's unreliability from their previous date, or have Kirkeby reveal a small hint of envy toward Bud's 'arrangement system' to build character layers and increase relational tension.
  • Introduce a minor conflict or twist, like Sylvia initially refusing the date change due to a personal reason tied to her backstory, which could add stakes and make the resolution more satisfying, while tying into the film's themes of interpersonal deceptions.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting redundant lines, such as shortening Kirkeby's dictaphone monologue if it's not crucial, and ensure the scene transitions smoothly by linking it more explicitly to Bud's ongoing struggles, perhaps through a cut back to Bud waiting anxiously for the call.
  • Amplify the humor by exaggerating comedic elements, like having Sylvia comically overreact to missing her TV show or Kirkeby fumbling with his dictaphone during the call, to better align with the film's satirical tone and make the scene more memorable without altering its core purpose.



Scene 18 -  Elevator Anticipation
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
Bud, at his desk, is on the phone.
BUD
Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.
(hangs up, consults
directory, dials)
Mr. Eichelberger? It's okay for
Friday.
(hangs up, consults
directory, dials)
Mr. Vanderhof? It's okay for
Wednesday.
During this, the phone has rung at the next desk, and the
occupant, MR. MOFFETT, has picked it up. As Bud hangs up --
MOFFETT
(into phone)
All right -- I'll tell him.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
Hey, Baxter -- that was Personnel.
Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.
BUD
Sheldrake?
MOFFETT
She's been trying to reach you for
the last twenty minutes. They want
you up stairs.
BUD
Oh!
He jumps up, stuffs the nose-spray into one pocket, a handful
of Kleenex into the other.
MOFFETT
What gives, Baxter? You getting
promoted or getting fired?
BUD
(cockily)
Care to make a small wager?
MOFFETT
I've been here twice as long as you
have --
BUD
Shall we say -- a dollar?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MOFFETT
It's a bet.
Bud snake-hips between the desks like a broken-field runner.
At the elevator, Bud presses the UP button, paces nervously.
One of the elevator doors opens, and as Bud starts inside,
the doors of the adjoining elevator open, and Fran Kubelik
sticks her head out.
FRAN
Going up?
Hearing her voice, Bud throws a quick "Excuse me" to the
other operator, exits quickly and steps into Fran's elevator.
BUD
Twenty-seven, please. And drive
carefully. You're carrying precious
cargo -- I mean, manpower-wise.
Fran shuts the doors.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In scene 18, Bud is busy at his desk making phone calls to confirm dates when his colleague Moffett informs him that Mr. Sheldrake's secretary has been trying to reach him. Bud, surprised, quickly prepares to head upstairs, engaging in a light-hearted bet with Moffett about whether he is being promoted or fired. As he rushes to the elevator, he encounters Fran Kubelik, the elevator operator, and makes a flirtatious comment before entering her elevator. The scene captures Bud's anxious yet confident demeanor amid the office's casual atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Professional setting
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively balances humor and professionalism, providing insight into the characters' personalities while moving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing workplace dynamics and character relationships in a humorous manner is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Bud navigates office interactions and receives a call that hints at potential promotions, adding intrigue.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on office interactions by infusing humor and subtle character complexities into seemingly routine exchanges. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding originality to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, especially regarding promotions, but no significant transformations occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the office dynamics smoothly and maintain a confident facade despite potential challenges or surprises. This reflects his desire for success, recognition, and perhaps a sense of control in his work environment.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to respond promptly to the request from Mr. Sheldrake's secretary and present himself upstairs. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of meeting work expectations and potentially advancing in his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and workplace dynamics.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, represented by the uncertainty of the protagonist's situation and the wager with a coworker, adds a layer of tension and intrigue. The audience is left wondering about the outcome and the protagonist's fate.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on workplace interactions and character relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing potential plot developments and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in office interactions and the protagonist's responses to challenges. The audience is kept on their toes regarding the outcome of the wager and the upcoming meeting.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's outward confidence and the underlying uncertainty or vulnerability he may feel. This challenges his self-perception and the image he projects to others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene elicits light-hearted emotions and amusement through humor and character interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals character dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of its quick pace, witty dialogue, and the anticipation of how the protagonist will handle the upcoming challenge. The interactions between characters keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of quick exchanges and moments of tension that maintain the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is precise and aligns with industry standards for screenplay writing. It effectively conveys character movements and dialogue exchanges.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue sequences that flow naturally. It adheres to the expected format for a workplace comedy genre.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a transitional moment in the screenplay, propelling Bud towards a significant plot point—his meeting with Sheldrake upstairs—while reinforcing his character's traits of ambition, efficiency, and slight duplicity through his phone calls confirming dates. The humor in the bet with Moffett adds levity and highlights the office camaraderie, making Bud's cockiness and Moffett's skepticism feel authentic to the corporate environment established earlier. However, the scene risks feeling somewhat formulaic with Bud's repeated phone interactions, which echo similar actions in previous scenes (e.g., scenes 15-17), potentially leading to a sense of redundancy that could dilute the narrative momentum and make Bud's routine actions less engaging for the audience.
  • Character development is moderately advanced here, with Bud's excited reaction to the call from Personnel underscoring his desire for promotion, a key arc in the story, and his flirtatious exchange with Fran subtly building romantic tension. Yet, Fran's appearance and Bud's comment come across as abrupt and stereotypical, lacking depth that could make their budding relationship more compelling; for instance, Fran's response is minimal, missing an opportunity to reveal more about her personality or to create a more nuanced dynamic. Additionally, Moffett's role is underutilized beyond providing exposition, and while the bet adds a fun element, it doesn't deepen the understanding of their relationship or the broader office politics.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, the scene moves briskly, which suits the film's comedic tone, but the rapid succession of actions—phone calls, the bet, and the elevator switch—might overwhelm the audience without sufficient breathing room, making it feel rushed. The visual description of Bud navigating the office 'like a broken-field runner' is vivid and cinematic, effectively conveying his urgency, but it could be enhanced with more sensory details to immerse the viewer further. Overall, while the scene fits well within the script's pattern of showing Bud's manipulative use of his apartment for career advancement, it could better tie into the larger themes of loneliness and moral compromise by adding subtle hints of Bud's internal conflict, such as a brief moment of hesitation or a telling expression.
  • Dialogue in this scene is functional and humorous, with lines like Bud's flirtatious remark adding charm, but it occasionally borders on exposition-heavy, such as the phone confirmations that reiterate information from prior scenes without advancing character or plot in a fresh way. The tone remains consistent with the film's light-hearted comedy, but the lack of conflict resolution or deeper emotional stakes might make it less memorable, especially when compared to more dramatic scenes involving Bud's personal life. From a reader's perspective, this scene clearly sets up the next events, but it could benefit from more originality to stand out, ensuring that each moment contributes uniquely to the story's progression and character growth.
Suggestions
  • Vary the action in Bud's phone calls to avoid repetition; for example, intercut with visual elements like colleagues reacting or Bud glancing at his calendar anxiously to add dynamism and reduce redundancy from earlier scenes.
  • Develop Fran's character more in her brief appearance by giving her a line or reaction that hints at her own backstory or feelings, making the flirtation feel more mutual and less one-sided, thus strengthening their romantic subplot.
  • Enhance the humor and depth of the bet with Moffett by adding a quick flashback or reference to a past office anecdote, which could enrich their relationship and provide more insight into the company culture without extending the scene's length.
  • Incorporate subtle visual or internal cues to foreshadow Bud's upcoming moral dilemma, such as a moment where he pauses before rushing out, to better connect this scene to the overarching themes of ethical compromise and personal growth.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more concise and witty, ensuring that lines like Bud's elevator comment reveal character traits in a natural way, perhaps by tying it to his earlier interactions with Fran for better continuity and emotional resonance.



Scene 19 -  Elevator Banter
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Fran presses a button, and the elevator starts up.
FRAN
Twenty-seven.
BUD
You may not realize it, Miss
Kubelik, but I'm in the top ten --
efficiency-wise and this may be the
day -- promotion-wise.
FRAN
You're beginning to sound like Mr.
Kirkeby already.
BUD
Why not? Now that they're kicking
me upstairs --
FRAN
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
(Bud beams)
You know, you're the only one
around here who ever takes his hat
off in the elevator.
BUD
Really?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
FRAN
The characters you meet. Something
happens to men in elevators. Must
be the change of altitude -- the
blood rushes to their head, or
something -- boy, I could tell you
stories --
BUD
I'd love to hear them. Maybe we
could have lunch in the cafeteria
sometime -- or some evening, after
work --
The elevator has stopped, and Fran opens the doors.
FRAN
Twenty-seven.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this light-hearted scene set in an elevator, Fran and Bud engage in playful banter as they ascend to the 27th floor. Bud boasts about his work efficiency and hints at a promotion, while Fran teasingly compares him to Mr. Kirkeby and comments on his unusual elevator behavior. Their flirtatious exchange continues with Bud inviting Fran to lunch, showcasing their witty dynamic. The scene concludes with Fran announcing their arrival at floor 27.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Chemistry between characters
  • Subtle introduction of romantic subplot
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a budding romantic dynamic between Bud and Fran, adding a touch of lightness and hope to the overall narrative. The dialogue is engaging and sets the stage for potential character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a romantic spark between Bud and Fran in a mundane elevator setting is engaging and adds depth to the characters' relationship dynamics.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it introduces a subplot of potential romance that could impact the characters' development and interactions in future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace interactions and romantic pursuits, blending humor with subtle character development. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene highlights the personalities of Bud and Fran, showcasing their playful banter and hinting at a deeper connection, setting the stage for potential character growth and relationship dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Bud and Fran hints at potential shifts in their relationship dynamics in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Fran's internal goal is to maintain her composure and professionalism while subtly expressing her interest in Bud. This reflects her desire for connection and companionship amidst the corporate environment.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to impress Fran and potentially initiate a romantic relationship. This goal reflects his immediate desire for personal fulfillment and recognition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on establishing a light-hearted and flirtatious interaction between the characters.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle obstacles and uncertainties in the characters' interactions, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on character dynamics and potential romantic developments rather than high-stakes conflicts or decisions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces a subplot that could impact the overall narrative by potentially influencing the characters' decisions and interactions in subsequent scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between Fran and Bud, keeping the audience intrigued about the potential outcomes of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on workplace dynamics and personal interactions. Fran values sincerity and genuine connections, while Bud is focused on advancement and recognition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of hope and anticipation through the budding connection between Bud and Fran, creating a warm and engaging emotional atmosphere.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals nuances of the characters' personalities, effectively setting the tone for a potential romantic subplot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, romantic undertones, and the subtle power dynamics at play between the characters.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and anticipation through the characters' dialogue and actions, maintaining a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay, effectively building tension and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses the confined space of the elevator to heighten the intimacy and awkwardness of Bud and Fran's interaction, which is a smart choice for building flirtation and revealing character traits; however, it feels somewhat rushed and lacks deeper emotional layers, as Bud's boasting about his efficiency and promotion comes across as overly self-congratulatory without sufficient buildup from previous scenes, potentially making him less sympathetic to the audience who might see him as arrogant rather than charmingly naive.
  • Fran's dialogue, while witty and sarcastic, serves to deflect Bud's advances and adds humor, but it could benefit from more specificity to her character; for instance, her comment about men acting strangely in elevators is a broad generalization that doesn't tie deeply into her backstory or the ongoing affair with Sheldrake, missing an opportunity to infuse subtext that hints at her cynicism or personal struggles, which would make the scene more engaging and connected to the larger narrative.
  • The pacing is brisk and fits the comedic tone of the script, advancing Bud's character arc toward confidence and flirtation while transitioning him to his important meeting with Sheldrake; nevertheless, the scene could explore more visual tension, such as Bud's nervous fidgeting or Fran's subtle discomfort, to better convey the stakes, especially given the immediate context from scene 18 where Bud is anxious about the summons, making the flirtation feel more organic and less like a disconnected interlude.
  • Overall, the scene successfully establishes Bud's growing interest in Fran and her polite but distant response, reinforcing the film's themes of loneliness and unrequited affection; however, it underutilizes the elevator setting for more dynamic visual storytelling, such as incorporating reflections in the elevator walls or subtle body language that could amplify the humor and foreshadow future conflicts, helping readers and viewers better understand the characters' motivations within the context of the entire script.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue with more subtext by having Fran reference her own experiences or hint at her affair, such as tying her elevator comment to a specific incident, to make her character more multifaceted and the interaction less superficial.
  • Add visual elements to increase tension and humor, like showing Bud adjusting his tie nervously or Fran avoiding eye contact, to better utilize the elevator's confined space and make the scene more cinematic while reflecting Bud's anxiety from the previous scene.
  • Extend the flirtation with a small action or gesture that builds chemistry, such as Bud offering a compliment based on something specific from their past interactions, to make the invitation to lunch feel more earned and less abrupt, strengthening the emotional connection for the audience.
  • Refine the pacing by shortening Bud's boastful lines or interspersing them with Fran's reactions to create a more balanced back-and-forth, ensuring the scene flows smoothly into the next one and heightens anticipation for Bud's meeting with Sheldrake.



Scene 20 -  A Moment of Support
INT. TWENTY-SEVENTH FLOOR FOYER - DAY
It is pretty plush up here -- soft carpeting and tall
mahogany doors leading to the executive offices. The elevator
door is open, and Bud steps out.
FRAN
I hope everything goes all right.
BUD
I hope so.
(turning back)
Wouldn't you know they'd call me on
a day like this -- with my cold and
everything --
(fumbling with his tie)
How do I look?
FRAN
Fine.
(stepping out of elevator)
Wait.
She takes the carnation out of her lapel, starts to put it in
Bud's buttonhole.
BUD
Thank you. That's the first thing I
ever noticed about you -- when you
were still on the local elevator --
you always wore a flower --
The elevator buzzer is now sounding insistently. Fran steps
back inside.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
FRAN
Good luck. And wipe your nose.
She shuts the doors. Bud looks after her, then takes a
Kleenex out of his pocket, and wiping his nose, crosses to a
glass door marked J. D. SHELDRAKE, DIRECTOR OF PERSONNEL. He
stashes the used Kleenex away in another pocket, enters.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In the luxurious foyer of the 27th floor, Bud steps out of the elevator, feeling nervous about his upcoming meeting. Fran, still in the elevator, encourages him and helps him with his appearance by placing a carnation in his buttonhole. Bud shares a fond memory of noticing Fran's flowers when she worked on the elevator, hinting at their growing connection. As the elevator buzzer sounds insistently, Fran wishes Bud good luck and reminds him to wipe his nose. Bud quickly composes himself and enters the office of J. D. Sheldrake, Director of Personnel.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development through interaction
  • Subtle humor and charm
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and character development through the interaction between Bud and Fran, showcasing their personalities and setting up potential dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the elevator encounter serves as a pivotal moment for character interaction and development, adding depth to the narrative and setting up future plot points.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through the interaction between Bud and Fran, hinting at potential romantic tension and workplace dynamics that could influence future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on workplace dynamics by blending personal vulnerability with professional expectations, creating authenticity in character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Fran are well-developed through their dialogue, actions, and reactions, showcasing their personalities, vulnerabilities, and potential growth.

Character Changes: 7

Both Bud and Fran experience subtle shifts in their dynamic during the elevator encounter, hinting at potential growth and changes in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to appear competent and put together despite feeling unwell, reflecting his desire for approval and success in his career.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress the Director of Personnel during the upcoming meeting, reflecting the immediate challenge of proving himself in a high-stakes situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is subtle conflict in the scene, primarily in the form of potential workplace dynamics and romantic tension, it is not the central focus.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition rating reflects the subtle obstacles and uncertainties faced by the protagonist, adding depth to the scene and creating narrative tension.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, there is a sense of potential consequences in the workplace and personal relationships, adding tension to the interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key character dynamics, hinting at future conflicts or developments, and setting the stage for upcoming plot points.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the juxtaposition of the protagonist's personal discomfort with the high-stakes professional situation, creating uncertainty about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

The philosophical conflict lies in the protagonist's struggle between presenting a professional facade and dealing with personal discomfort, highlighting the tension between societal expectations and personal well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of warmth, humor, and potential romantic intrigue, engaging the audience emotionally through the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and revealing, capturing the essence of the characters and setting the tone for their relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because it balances character development with subtle tension, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension through character interactions and internal monologue, maintaining a steady rhythm that enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, enhancing readability and professional presentation.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a standard format for a character-driven drama, effectively setting up the protagonist's internal and external goals while establishing the workplace setting.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a transitional moment that heightens anticipation for Bud's upcoming meeting with Sheldrake, while subtly advancing the romantic tension between Bud and Fran. It captures Bud's nervousness and vulnerability through actions like fumbling with his tie and wiping his nose, which humanizes him and makes his character more relatable. The exchange of the carnation is a nice visual motif that ties back to Bud's earlier observation of Fran, reinforcing their budding relationship and adding a layer of sweetness to the scene. However, the scene feels somewhat rushed and lacks deeper conflict, relying heavily on small, intimate gestures rather than escalating tension, which might make it feel inconsequential in isolation. The dialogue is natural and humorous, fitting the overall comedic tone of the script, but it occasionally borders on cliché, such as Bud's line about noticing Fran's flower, which could be more original to avoid feeling overly sentimental. Visually, the description of the plush foyer contrasts with the more sterile office environments earlier, emphasizing Bud's social climb, but it could benefit from more sensory details to fully immerse the audience. In the context of the entire script, this scene successfully bridges the flirtatious elevator interaction from scene 19 to the pivotal meeting in scene 21, but it doesn't fully capitalize on opportunities to deepen character motivations or foreshadow future conflicts, such as Bud's ethical dilemmas with his apartment arrangements.
  • The character dynamics are well-handled, with Fran's brief appearance showcasing her supportive and witty personality, which contrasts with Bud's anxious energy. This interaction helps establish Fran as a potential love interest without overwhelming the scene, but it might underutilize her character by making her primarily a facilitator for Bud's arc rather than giving her independent agency. The humor, derived from Bud's self-consciousness and the elevator buzzer's urgency, aligns with the script's light-hearted tone, but the scene could explore more internal conflict for Bud, such as his growing discomfort with his unethical behaviors, to make his character evolution more compelling. Additionally, the visual and auditory elements, like the insistent buzzer, add realism and pacing, but the scene's brevity might cause it to blend into the surrounding sequences without leaving a strong impression. Overall, while it effectively conveys Bud's nervousness and the start of a genuine connection with Fran, it could be strengthened by integrating more thematic depth related to the script's exploration of corporate ambition and personal integrity.
  • In terms of screen time and pacing, this scene is concise, estimated at around 20-30 seconds based on the description, which is appropriate for a transitional beat in a larger narrative. However, it risks feeling like filler if not connected strongly to the emotional stakes of the story. The critique from a reader's perspective is that it provides a clear visual and emotional snapshot, but it might not stand out as memorable without more unique elements. The use of the Kleenex to wipe his nose is a recurring motif that ties into Bud's cold and symbolizes his vulnerability, which is a smart touch, but it could be exaggerated for comedic effect to better align with the script's humorous style. Finally, the scene's end, with Bud entering Sheldrake's office, creates a natural cliffhanger, building suspense for the audience, but it could hint more explicitly at the consequences of Bud's actions to increase dramatic irony.
Suggestions
  • To add more depth, incorporate a subtle facial expression or internal thought for Bud that hints at his guilt over using his colleagues for advancement, making his nervousness more multifaceted and tying into the story's themes.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it less expository; for example, instead of Bud explicitly stating he noticed Fran's flower earlier, show this through a shared look or a brief flashback to make it more cinematic and less tell-heavy.
  • Extend the scene slightly by describing Fran's body language more vividly during the carnation exchange to heighten the romantic tension, such as her hesitating or smiling softly, which could make the moment more engaging and emotionally resonant.
  • Enhance the visual elements by adding details like the sound of the elevator buzzer growing louder to increase urgency, or describe the contrast between the plush foyer and Bud's disheveled appearance to underscore his outsider status in the executive world.
  • To improve pacing and connection to the previous scene, start with a quick reference to Bud's invitation for lunch, showing Fran's polite rejection to maintain continuity and emphasize her unavailability, which could foreshadow future conflicts.



Scene 21 -  Confrontation in Sheldrake's Office
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
It is a sedate office with a secretary and a couple of
typists. The secretary's name is MISS OLSEN. She is in her
thirties, flaxen- haired, handsome, wears harlequin glasses,
and has an incisive manner. Bud comes up to her desk.
BUD
C. C. Baxter -- Ordinary Premium
Accounting -- Mr. Sheldrake called
me.
MISS OLSEN
I called you -- that is, I tried to
call you -- for twenty minutes.
BUD
I'm sorry, I --
MISS OLSEN
Go on in.
She indicates the door leading to the inner office. Bud
squares his shoulders and starts in.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Mr. Sheldrake is a $14,000 a year man, and rates a four-
window office. It is not quite an executive suite, but it is
several pegs above the glass cubicles of the middle echelon.
There is lots of leather, and a large desk behind which sits
MR. SHELDRAKE.
He is a substantial looking, authoritative man in his middle
forties, a pillar of his suburban community, a blood donor
and a family man. The latter is attested to by a framed
photograph showing two boys, aged 8 and 10, in military
school uniforms. As Baxter comes through the door, Sheldrake
is leafing through Dobisch's efficiency report. He looks up
at Bud through a pair of heavy-rimmed reading glasses.
SHELDRAKE
Baxter?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Yes, sir.
SHELDRAKE
(studying him)
I was sort of wondering what you
looked like. Sit down.
BUD
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
He seats himself on the very edge of the leather armchair
facing Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
Been hearing some very nice things
about you -- here's a report from
Mr. Dobisch -- loyal, cooperative,
resourceful --
BUD
Mr. Dobisch said that?
SHELDRAKE
And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that
several nights a week you work late
at the office -- without overtime.
BUD
(modestly)
Well, you know how it is -- things
pile up.
SHELDRAKE
Mr. Vanderhof, in Public Relations,
and Mr. Eichelberger, in Mortgage
and Loan -- they'd both like to
have you transferred to their
departments.
BUD
That's very flattering.
Sheldrake puts the report down, takes off his glasses, leans
across the desk toward Bud.
SHELDRAKE
Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it
that makes you so popular?
BUD
I don't know.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE
Think.
Bud does so. For a moment, he is a picture of intense
concentration. Then --
BUD
Would you mind repeating the
question?
SHELDRAKE
Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I
know everything that goes on in
this building -- in every
department -- on every floor --
every day of the year.
BUD
(in a very small voice)
You do?
SHELDRAKE
(rises, starts pacing)
In 1957, we had an employee here,
name of Fowler. He was very
popular, too. Turned out he was
running a bookie joint right in the
Actuarial Department tying up the
switchboard, figuring the odds on
our I.B.M. machines -- so the day
before the Kentucky Derby, I called
in the Vice Squad and we raided the
thirteenth floor.
BUD
(worried)
The Vice Squad?
SHELDRAKE
That's right, Baxter.
BUD
What -- what's that got to do with
me? I'm not running any bookie
joint.
SHELDRAKE
What kind of joint are you running?
BUD
Sir?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
SHELDRAKE
There's a certain key floating
around the office -- from Kirkeby
to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to
Dobisch -- it's the key to a
certain apartment -- and you know
who that apartment belongs to?
BUD
Who?
SHELDRAKE
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C.
C. Baxter.
BUD
Oh.
SHELDRAKE
Are you going to deny it?
BUD
No, sir. I'm not going to deny it.
But if you'd just let me explain --
SHELDRAKE
You better.
BUD
(a deep breath)
Well, about six months ago -- I was
going to night school, taking this
course in Advanced Accounting --
and one of the guys in our
department -- he lives in Jersey --
he was going to a banquet at the
Biltmore -- his wife was meeting
him in town, and he needed
someplace to change into a tuxedo --
so I gave him the key and word
must have gotten around -- because
the next thing I knew, all sorts of
guys were suddenly going to
banquets -- and when you give the
key to one guy, you can't say no to
another and the whole thing got out
of hand -- pardon me.
He whips out the nasal-spray, administers a couple of quick
squirts up each nostril.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
SHELDRAKE
Baxter, an insurance company is
founded on public trust. Any
employee who conducts himself in a
manner unbecoming --
(shifting into a new gear)
How many charter members are there
in this little club of yours?
BUD
Just those four -- out of a total
of 31,259 -- so actually, we can be
very proud of our personnel --
percentage-wise.
SHELDRAKE
That's not the point. Four rotten
apples in a barrel -- no matter how
large the barrel -- you realize
that if this ever leaked out --
BUD
Oh, it won't. Believe me. And it's
not going to happen again. From now
on, nobody is going to use my
apartment --
In his vehemence he squeezes the spray bottle, which squirts
all over the desk.
SHELDRAKE
Where is your apartment?
BUD
West 67th Street. You have no idea
what I've been going through --
with the neighbors and the landlady
and the liquor and the key --
SHELDRAKE
How do you work it with the key?
BUD
Well, usually I slip it to them in
the office and they leave it under
the mat -- but never again -- I can
promise you that --
The phone buzzer sounds, and Sheldrake picks up the phone.
SHELDRAKE
Yes, Miss Olsen.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense scene, Bud enters Sheldrake's office, where he is confronted by Sheldrake about a key-sharing arrangement among executives. Sheldrake praises Bud's work but questions his popularity and suspects misconduct related to an apartment key. Bud explains the innocent origins of the situation, using a nasal spray due to his apparent health issue. The scene ends abruptly as Sheldrake receives a phone call from his secretary, Miss Olsen.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of subtlety in some interactions
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, introduces a significant conflict, and advances the plot effectively. The dialogue is engaging, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the revelation of Bud's actions and the consequences he faces. It is crucial for character development and plot progression.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly through the confrontation between Bud and Mr. Sheldrake. It introduces a key conflict that will likely have repercussions in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace dynamics and ethical dilemmas, blending humor with serious consequences. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, with Bud facing a challenging situation that tests his integrity. Mr. Sheldrake's authoritative presence adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Bud undergoes a shift as he confronts the consequences of his actions, showing a deeper level of introspection and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his reputation and integrity in the face of potential scandal. This reflects his need for approval, fear of being exposed, and desire to protect his image.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to explain and rectify the situation regarding the key to his apartment being circulated among colleagues. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing a potential breach of trust and misconduct.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Bud and Mr. Sheldrake is significant and creates tension in the scene. It raises the stakes for the protagonist and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing potential consequences and having to navigate a challenging conversation with his superior.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Bud faces potential repercussions for his unethical behavior. The outcome of this confrontation could have a significant impact on his career.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a key conflict and setting up potential consequences for the protagonist. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected revelations about the protagonist's actions and the potential consequences he faces.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of trust, integrity, and consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's values of honesty and professionalism in a corporate setting.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and uncertainty, especially for Bud as he faces the consequences of his actions. The emotional impact is palpable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, the unfolding conflict, and the high stakes faced by the protagonist.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding dialogue and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow the character interactions and scene transitions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven office setting, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations.


Critique
  • This scene effectively builds tension and reveals key plot elements by confronting Bud about his secret apartment-lending scheme, which is a pivotal moment in escalating the stakes and deepening character motivations. The dialogue showcases Sheldrake's authoritative personality and Bud's nervous, defensive nature, making their interaction feel authentic to their established roles in the story. The use of visual details, such as Bud's nasal spray mishap, adds a humorous touch that contrasts with the seriousness of the confrontation, providing a moment of levity that aligns with the film's overall tone of blending comedy and drama. However, the scene relies heavily on expository dialogue, particularly Bud's lengthy explanation of how the key-sharing started, which can feel overly tell-heavy and less engaging for the audience, as it interrupts the natural flow of conflict and resolution. The abrupt ending with Sheldrake answering the phone call feels unresolved and somewhat contrived, potentially leaving viewers disoriented if it doesn't seamlessly connect to the next scene, and it misses an opportunity to heighten emotional impact or provide a stronger cliffhanger. Additionally, while the setting is described well initially, the scene becomes static during the dialogue, lacking dynamic visual elements that could enhance the storytelling, such as more varied camera angles or actions that reflect the characters' internal states. Overall, this scene serves an important narrative function by advancing the plot and exposing Bud's vulnerabilities, but it could benefit from tighter pacing and more subtle integration of exposition to maintain audience engagement.
  • Character development is handled competently here, with Sheldrake emerging as a more complex figure through his probing questions and implied hypocrisy, foreshadowing his own moral failings later in the script. Bud's portrayal as a well-meaning but naive employee is reinforced, evoking sympathy and highlighting his exploitation by superiors, which ties into the film's themes of corporate ethics and personal integrity. However, the scene could explore Bud's internal conflict more deeply through nonverbal cues or subtler dialogue, rather than relying on direct admissions, to make his character arc feel more nuanced and less reactive. The humor from Bud's accidental spray is a strong point, but it's underutilized; the scene could incorporate more comedic elements to balance the tension without undermining the seriousness. In terms of fitting into the broader narrative, this scene transitions well from Bud's anxious anticipation in the previous scenes, but it might overwhelm the audience with too much revelation at once, potentially diluting the impact of earlier buildup. Finally, the tone shifts effectively between professional interrogation and personal vulnerability, but the abrupt cut to the phone call disrupts this, making the scene feel incomplete and rushed in its resolution.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce exposition by showing parts of Bud's key-lending history through brief flashbacks or earlier subtle hints, allowing the confrontation to focus more on emotional stakes rather than backstory.
  • Extend the ending to provide a smoother transition; for example, have Sheldrake's phone call reveal a hint of his personal life or connect directly to the affair plot, creating a stronger link to the next scene and avoiding an abrupt halt.
  • Incorporate more visual dynamism by adding actions that reflect characters' emotions, such as Sheldrake pacing more intensely or Bud fidgeting with objects on the desk, to break up the dialogue and make the scene more cinematic.
  • Enhance character depth by including a moment where Bud questions his own actions internally, perhaps through a pause or a facial expression, to emphasize his growth and make the scene less one-sided in favor of Sheldrake's dominance.
  • Adjust the pacing by shortening Bud's explanation and interspersing it with interruptions or reactions from Sheldrake, to maintain tension and prevent the scene from feeling bogged down by lengthy monologues.



Scene 22 -  The Price of Secrecy
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
Miss Olsen is on the phone.
MISS OLSEN
Mrs. Sheldrake returning your call -
- on two --
She presses a button down, starts to hang the phone up,
glances around to see if the typists are watching, then
raises the receiver to her ear and eavesdrops on the
conversation.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Sheldrake is talking into the phone.
SHELDRAKE
Yes, dear -- I called you earlier --
where were you? Oh, you took Tommy
to the dentist --
During this, Bud has risen from his chair, started inching
toward the door.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
(turning to him)
Where are you going, Baxter?
BUD
Well, I don't want to intrude --
and I thought -- since it's all
straightened out anyway --
SHELDRAKE
I'm not through with you yet.
BUD
Yes, sir.
SHELDRAKE
(into phone)
The reason I called is -- I won't
be home for dinner tonight. The
branch manager from Kansas City is
in town -- I'm taking him to the
theatre Music Man, what else? No,
don't wait up for me -- 'bye,
darling.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
Tell me something, Baxter -- have
you seen Music Man?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Not yet. But I hear it's one swell
show.
SHELDRAKE
How would you like to go tonight?
BUD
You mean -- you and me? I thought
you were taking the branch manager
from Kansas City --
SHELDRAKE
I made other plans. You can have
both tickets.
BUD
Well, that's very kind of you --
only I'm not feeling well -- you
see, I have this cold -- and I
thought I'd go straight home.
SHELDRAKE
Baxter, you're not reading me. I
told you I have plans.
BUD
So do I -- I'm going to take four
aspirins and get into bed -- so you
better give the tickets to somebody
else --
SHELDRAKE
I'm not just giving those tickets,
Baxter -- I want to swap them.
BUD
Swap them? For what?
Sheldrake picks up the Dobisch reports, puts on his glasses,
turns a page.
SHELDRAKE
It also says here -- that you are
alert, astute, and quite
imaginative --
BUD
Oh?
(the dawn is breaking)
Oh!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
He reaches into his coat pocket, fishes out a handful of
Kleenex, and then finally the key to his apartment. He holds
it up.
BUD (CONT’D)
This?
SHELDRAKE
That's good thinking, Baxter. Next
month there's going to be a shift
in personnel around here -- and as
far as I'm concerned, you're
executive material.
BUD
I am?
SHELDRAKE
Now put down the key --
(pushing a pad toward him)
-- and put down the address.
Bud lays the key on the desk, unclips what he thinks is his
fountain pen, uncaps it, starts writing on the pad.
BUD
It's on the second floor - my name
is not on the door -- it just says -
Suddenly he realizes that he has been trying to write the
address with the thermometer.
BUD (CONT’D)
Oh -- terribly sorry. It's that
cold --
SHELDRAKE
Relax, Baxter.
BUD
Thank you, sir.
He has replaced the thermometer with the fountain pen, and is
scribbling the address.
BUD (CONT’D)
You'll be careful with the record
player, won't you? And about the
liquor -- I ordered some this
morning -- but I'm not sure when
they'll deliver it --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
He has finished writing the address, shoves the pad over to
Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
Now remember, Baxter -- this is
going to be our little secret.
BUD
Yes, of course.
SHELDRAKE
You know how people talk.
BUD
Oh, you don't have to worry --
SHELDRAKE
Not that I have anything to hide.
BUD
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway,
it's none of my business -- four
apples, five apples -- what's the
difference -- percentage-wise?
SHELDRAKE
(holding out the tickets)
Here you are, Baxter. Have a nice
time.
BUD
You too, sir.
Clutching the tickets, he backs out of the office.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In Sheldrake's office, Miss Olsen eavesdrops on a phone call with Sheldrake's wife while Sheldrake deceives her about his evening plans. He manipulates Bud into giving him the key to Bud's apartment in exchange for tickets to 'The Music Man' and promises of career advancement. Despite Bud's initial reluctance and awkward attempts to leave, he ultimately complies, handing over the key and address before leaving with the tickets, highlighting the tense and manipulative nature of their interaction.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Relatively contained setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, engaging, and pivotal in Baxter's character development and potential advancement at work. The dialogue is witty and reveals important plot points.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around a key moment in Baxter's career and personal integrity, setting up future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly with the ticket swap and the discussion about Baxter's potential promotion, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on office politics and personal ambition, with authentic character interactions and unexpected twists in the dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Baxter and Sheldrake, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward with depth and nuance.

Character Changes: 8

Baxter undergoes a subtle shift in his perception of his career prospects and integrity, setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the power dynamics in the office and gain recognition for his abilities. This reflects his desire for advancement, validation, and acceptance in the workplace.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the unexpected offer of attending a show with his boss, balancing his personal discomfort with the opportunity for career advancement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Baxter's dilemma of attending the theater despite feeling unwell and the underlying tension of the key-sharing system.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing conflicting desires and pressures that create uncertainty and intrigue for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high as Baxter faces a decision regarding his career advancement and personal values.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key developments in Baxter's professional life and relationships within the office.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and dialogue choices, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

The philosophical conflict lies in the protagonist's struggle between personal integrity and career advancement. He must decide whether to compromise his values for professional gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to tension, as Baxter navigates the offer of theater tickets and a potential promotion.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals key information about the characters and their motivations, adding layers to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding workplace drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense through character movements and dialogue exchanges, enhancing the scene's overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting for easy readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format, effectively transitioning between locations and characters while maintaining a clear narrative flow.


Critique
  • This scene effectively escalates the theme of moral compromise and corporate manipulation, showing how Bud's initial resistance crumbles under pressure from Sheldrake, which reinforces his character as a well-meaning but weak individual caught in a cycle of exploitation. The dialogue subtly reveals Sheldrake's duplicity—lying to his wife on the phone while simultaneously coercing Bud—adding layers to his antagonistic role and building tension that mirrors the film's overarching critique of unethical business practices.
  • The humor, particularly with Bud mistakenly using a thermometer instead of a pen, provides a light-hearted break in an otherwise tense exchange, which is characteristic of the screenplay's blend of comedy and drama. However, this gag might feel slightly forced or over-reliant on physical comedy, potentially distracting from the emotional weight of Bud's capitulation and the seriousness of Sheldrake's affair, making the scene less cohesive in tone.
  • Miss Olsen's eavesdropping in the anteroom adds a layer of intrigue and foreshadows potential future conflicts, such as her role in exposing Sheldrake's affairs later in the story. Yet, her action feels somewhat disconnected from the main action in Sheldrake's office, as the cut between the two spaces could be smoother to integrate her subplot more seamlessly, enhancing the scene's unity and building suspense more effectively.
  • The pacing is generally strong, with Bud's gradual realization and submission creating a natural build-up, but it could benefit from more variation in rhythm—such as shorter, sharper exchanges—to heighten the stakes and prevent the dialogue from feeling repetitive, especially since this follows directly from scene 21 where similar key-sharing discussions occurred. This repetition might dilute the impact if not justified by Bud's character arc of repeated moral failings.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on dialogue and small actions (like Bud fumbling with items), which suits the confined office setting, but it lacks more dynamic cinematography or descriptive elements that could emphasize the power imbalance, such as camera angles showing Sheldrake looming over Bud or close-ups on the key exchange to symbolize Bud's loss of control. This could make the scene more engaging for viewers and underscore the emotional undercurrents.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the dialogue by reducing redundant lines, such as Bud's repeated apologies and Sheldrake's explanations, to make the exchange more concise and impactful, allowing the audience to feel the pressure more acutely without dragging the scene.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding more descriptive actions or camera directions, like a slow zoom on Bud's face during his realization moment or a cut to Miss Olsen's reaction shot while she's eavesdropping, to create a stronger connection between subplots and increase dramatic tension.
  • Deepen Bud's internal conflict by including a brief moment of hesitation or a subtle physical reaction (e.g., sweating or fidgeting) that shows his discomfort more vividly, helping to advance his character arc and make his eventual compliance feel more tragic and relatable.
  • Integrate Miss Olsen's eavesdropping more fluidly by intercutting her reactions during Sheldrake's phone call with his wife, building suspense and hinting at her future actions, which could add foreshadowing and make the scene feel less compartmentalized.
  • Add a small detail to heighten stakes, such as Bud glancing at a photo of Sheldrake's family on the desk during the key exchange, to emphasize the personal cost of his actions and reinforce the theme of ethical erosion in a corporate environment.



Scene 23 -  Unresolved Invitations
INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - EVENING
It is about 6:30, and the building has pretty well emptied
out by now. Bud, in raincoat and hat, is leaning against one
of the marble pillars beyond the elevators. His raincoat is
unbuttoned, and Fran's carnation is still in his lapel. He is
looking off expectantly toward a door marked EMPLOYEES'
LOUNGE - WOMEN.
Some of the female employees are emerging, dressed for the
street. Among them are Sylvia and her colleague from the
switchboard.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SYLVIA
So I figure, a man in his position,
he's going to take me to 21 and El
Morocco -- instead, he takes me to
Hamburg Heaven and some schnook's
apartment --
They pass Bud without paying any attention to him. Bud has
heard the crack, and looks after Sylvia, a little hurt. Then
he glances back toward the door of the lounge, as it opens
and Fran Kubelik comes out. She is wearing a wool coat over a
street dress, no hat.
FRAN
(passing Bud)
Good night.
BUD
(casually)
Good night.
She is about three paces beyond him when he suddenly realizes
who it is.
BUD (CONT’D)
Oh -- Miss Kubelik.
(he rushes after her,
taking off his hat)
I've been waiting for you.
FRAN
You have?
BUD
I almost didn't recognize you --
this is the first time I've ever
seen you in civilian clothes.
FRAN
How'd you make out on the twenty-
seventh floor?
BUD
Great. Look -- have you seen The
Music Man?
FRAN
No.
BUD
Would you like to?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
Sure.
BUD
I thought maybe we could have a
bite to eat first -- and then --
FRAN
You mean tonight?
BUD
Yeah.
FRAN
I'm sorry, but I can't tonight. I'm
meeting somebody.
BUD
Oh.
(a beat)
You mean -- like a girl-friend?
FRAN
No. Like a man.
She proceeds across the lobby toward the street entrance, Bud
following her.
BUD
I wasn't trying to be personal --
it's just that the fellows in the
office were -- whether you
wondering about you ever --
FRAN
Just tell 'em -- now and then.
BUD
This date -- is it just a date --
or is it something serious?
FRAN
It used to be serious -- at least I
was -- but he wasn't -- so the
whole thing is more or less kaputt.
BUD
Well, in that case, couldn't you?
FRAN
I'm afraid not. I promised to have
a drink with him -- he's been
calling me all week --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
BUD
Oh, I understand.
He follows her out through the revolving doors.
Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the lobby of an insurance building, Bud waits expectantly for Fran, wearing a raincoat and a carnation. As female employees exit, Bud overhears Sylvia lamenting a disappointing date, which stings him. When Fran finally appears, Bud invites her to see The Music Man and grab dinner, but she declines due to a prior commitment with a man she no longer cares for. Despite Bud's attempts to persuade her, Fran remains polite but firm in her refusal. The scene ends with them exiting together, leaving Bud's hopes unfulfilled.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Subtle romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of romance, humor, and character development, providing insight into Bud and Fran's personalities while setting up potential future interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an unexpected encounter leading to a brief but impactful conversation is engaging and sets the stage for future character dynamics.

Plot: 8

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and hints at potential romantic developments, contributing to overall story progression.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on romantic pursuits within a corporate setting, blending humor and poignancy in the characters' interactions. The dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses on Bud and Fran, showcasing their personalities, vulnerabilities, and potential romantic interest in each other. The characters are well-developed and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no drastic character changes in this scene, there is a subtle shift in Bud and Fran's perceptions of each other, setting the stage for potential growth in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with Fran Kubelik on a personal level, showcasing his desire for companionship and a deeper relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ask Fran out on a date and potentially develop a romantic relationship, reflecting his immediate desire for companionship and connection.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on character dynamics and potential romantic tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, creating obstacles for the protagonist's romantic advances and adding intrigue to the unfolding narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal connections and romantic possibilities rather than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing a potential romantic subplot and deepening the audience's understanding of the characters, laying the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between the characters and the uncertainty of their future interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's approach to relationships and Fran's past experiences, challenging his beliefs about love and commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of hope, playfulness, and regret, creating an emotional connection with the characters and hinting at future developments.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys the tone of the scene and sets up future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, emotional tension, and the audience's investment in the characters' budding relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, allowing for meaningful character interactions and development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven interaction, allowing for natural progression and development of the relationship dynamics.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the budding romantic tension between Bud and Fran, serving as a pivotal moment that highlights Bud's growing affection and Fran's emotional unavailability due to her ongoing affair with Sheldrake. It builds on the flirtatious exchanges from the previous scenes (19 and 20), where Bud's boastfulness and Fran's sarcasm establish their dynamic, but here the stakes are raised with Bud's direct invitation and Fran's rejection, which subtly foreshadows the larger conflicts in the story. However, the scene feels somewhat underwhelming in its execution because it relies heavily on dialogue to convey emotion, potentially missing opportunities for visual storytelling to deepen the audience's understanding of Bud's disappointment and Fran's internal struggle. For instance, Bud's reaction to overhearing Sylvia's comment about her disappointing date adds a layer of hurt that could be explored more to emphasize the theme of loneliness pervasive in the script, but it's quickly overshadowed by the main interaction, making the moment feel incidental rather than integral. Overall, while the scene advances character development and plot, it could benefit from more nuanced handling to avoid clichés in romantic rejection scenarios, ensuring that the audience feels the weight of Bud's unrequited feelings and Fran's conflicted state without relying solely on expository dialogue.
  • The dialogue in this scene is naturalistic and reveals character traits effectively—Bud's awkward persistence shows his inexperience and earnestness, while Fran's responses provide insight into her cynicism and past relationships—but it occasionally borders on exposition-heavy, such as when Fran explicitly states that her date 'used to be serious' and is 'more or less kaputt.' This directness can make the scene feel tell-rather-than-show, reducing emotional impact and potentially alienating viewers who prefer subtlety in character revelations. Additionally, Bud's lines, like 'I almost didn't recognize you -- this is the first time I've ever seen you in civilian clothes,' are charming and help humanize him, but they might come across as overly scripted or convenient, especially in the context of a screenplay that often uses humor and detail-oriented narration to build character. The tone maintains the light-hearted flirtation from earlier scenes, but the unresolved conflict (Bud's invitation being rejected) could be amplified through more dynamic exchanges to heighten tension and make the scene more memorable within the broader narrative arc.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene is concise and fits well within the transitional nature of scene 23 in a 60-scene script, moving quickly from Bud's anticipation to the rejection and their exit together. This brevity keeps the story moving, but it also means that emotional beats, such as Bud's hurt from Sylvia's comment or his hopeful invitation, are not given enough time to resonate, potentially making the scene feel rushed and less impactful. The conflict is primarily internal and relational—Bud's crush versus Fran's prior commitment—and while it's appropriately understated for this point in the story, it lacks a clear escalation or hook that could draw the audience in more deeply. For example, the setting in the emptying lobby at 6:30 PM is atmospheric and reinforces the theme of isolation in corporate life, but it could be utilized more effectively to visually underscore the characters' loneliness, such as through lingering shots of the deserted space or Bud's body language against the pillar, to enhance the scene's emotional depth and tie it more cohesively to the overall script's exploration of personal disconnection amid professional ambition.
  • In terms of its role in the larger narrative, this scene successfully plants seeds for future developments, such as Fran's complicated relationship with Sheldrake and Bud's unrequited love, which pay off in later scenes involving jealousy, rejection, and eventual romance. However, it could better integrate the script's recurring motifs, like the use of keys and apartments as symbols of vulnerability and exploitation, by incorporating subtle visual cues or references that echo earlier scenes (e.g., the key system mentioned in scene 21). The critique also extends to character consistency: Bud's behavior here aligns with his detail-oriented, persistent nature established in the opening scenes, but Fran's portrayal as polite yet distant might benefit from more shading to show her growing awareness of Bud's feelings, making her rejection feel less abrupt and more empathetic. Ultimately, while the scene is functional in advancing the plot and character arcs, it could be strengthened by balancing dialogue with visual and emotional elements to make it a more standalone, engaging moment that resonates with the script's themes of human connection in a sterile corporate world.
Suggestions
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding more descriptive actions and camera directions, such as a close-up on Bud's face when he overhears Sylvia's comment to convey his hurt more vividly, or a slow pan of the empty lobby to emphasize the theme of loneliness, making the scene less dialogue-dependent and more immersive.
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce exposition and increase subtext; for example, have Fran hint at her dissatisfaction with her date through indirect comments or body language, allowing the audience to infer her emotional state rather than stating it outright, which would add depth and make the interactions feel more natural and engaging.
  • Build tension and conflict by extending a key moment, such as Bud's invitation, with a brief hesitation or additional back-and-forth to heighten the stakes, or by incorporating a small obstacle (e.g., Fran almost accepting before remembering her commitment), which could make the rejection more poignant and better prepare for future plot developments.
  • Strengthen character development by adding subtle details that tie into the overall script, like referencing Bud's nasal spray or Fran's carnation from previous scenes to create continuity, or showing Fran's internal conflict through facial expressions or pauses in dialogue to humanize her and make her decisions more relatable.
  • Adjust pacing by adding a beat after Fran's rejection to allow Bud a moment of reflection or a visual cue of disappointment, ensuring the emotional impact lands before they exit, which would improve the scene's rhythm and make it a stronger transitional element in the narrative.



Scene 24 -  A Night Out and a Dash of Humor
EXT. INSURANCE BUILDING - EVENING
Fran and Bud come out.
BUD
(putting his hat on)
Well, it was just an idea -- I hate
to see a ticket go to waste --
FRAN
(stops)
What time does the show go on?
BUD
Eight-thirty.
FRAN
(looks at her watch)
Well -- I could meet you at the
theatre -- if that's all right.
BUD
All right? That's wonderful! It's
the Majestic -- 44th Street.
FRAN
Meet you in the lobby. Okay?
Bud nods happily, falls in beside her as she starts down the
street.
BUD
You know, I felt so lousy this
morning -- a hundred and one fever -
- then my promotion came up -- now
you and I -- eleventh row center --
and you said I should have stayed
in bed.
FRAN
How is your cold?
BUD
(high as a kite)
What cold? And after the show, we
could go out on the town --
(does a little cha cha
step)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT'D)
I've been taking from Arthur
Murray.
FRAN
So I see.
BUD
They got a great little band at El
Chico, in the Village -- it's
practically around the corner from
where you live.
FRAN
Sounds good.
(a sudden thought)
How do you know where I live?
BUD
Oh, I even know who you live with --
your sister and brother-in-law -- I
know when you were born -- and
where -- I know all sorts of things
about you.
FRAN
How come?
BUD
A couple of months ago I looked up
your card in the group insurance
file.
FRAN
Oh.
BUD
I know your height, your weight and
your Social Security number -- you
had mumps, you had measles, and you
had your appendix out.
They have now reached the corner, and Fran stops.
FRAN
Well, don't tell the fellows in the
office about the appendix. They may
get the wrong idea how you found
out.
(turning the corner)
'Bye.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
BUD
(calling after her)
Eight-thirty!
He watches her walk away, an idiot grin on his face. Despite
what he told Fran, his nose is stuffed up, so he takes out
the anti-histamine and sprays his nostrils. Then, carried
away, he squirts some of the stuff on the carnation in his
buttonhole, moves off in the opposite direction.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In this playful evening scene, Bud and Fran leave an insurance building, where Bud excitedly invites Fran to a theatre show and suggests they go dancing afterward. Despite Bud's enthusiasm, Fran is taken aback when she learns he has accessed her personal information from her insurance file. They share a light-hearted exchange, with Fran humorously cautioning Bud about sharing sensitive details. As they part ways, Bud watches Fran walk away with a grin, oblivious to his own antics of mistakenly spraying anti-histamine on his carnation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Chemistry between characters
  • Romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Predictable romantic setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and character development, setting up a promising dynamic between Bud and Fran while maintaining a light-hearted and engaging tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of two characters connecting over shared personal details and playful banter is engaging and sets the stage for potential romantic development.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progresses by establishing a budding romantic interest between Bud and Fran, adding depth to their characters and setting up future interactions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a romantic encounter by incorporating elements of surprise, humor, and subtle tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

Bud and Fran are well-developed characters with distinct personalities that complement each other, creating an intriguing dynamic that drives the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is a subtle shift in Bud and Fran's relationship dynamics as they connect on a personal level.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Fran on a personal level and impress her with his knowledge and attention to detail about her life. This reflects his desire for companionship, validation, and a sense of closeness.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to enjoy a night out with Fran, starting with going to the theatre and potentially exploring more of the city together. This goal reflects his immediate desire for fun, distraction, and romance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the budding romance and playful banter between Bud and Fran.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of tension and conflict arising from Bud's knowledge about Fran's personal life. The audience is left wondering about the implications of this revelation and how it may affect their relationship.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the potential for romance and character development.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing a key moment in Bud and Fran's developing relationship, hinting at future interactions and romantic possibilities.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters, the playful banter, and the shifting dynamics between Fran and Bud that keep the audience guessing about their intentions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the boundaries of personal information and privacy. Bud's knowledge about Fran's life, obtained through work-related means, raises questions about ethical behavior, trust, and the balance between professional and personal boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.3

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and anticipation, drawing the audience into the budding romance between Bud and Fran.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities, enhancing the scene's charm and romantic undertones.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the unfolding of personal revelations that keep the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character introspection that maintains a steady rhythm and builds tension effectively towards the resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting standards for its genre, with clear character cues, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions that enhance readability and visualization.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively advances the romantic subplot between Bud and Fran, showcasing Bud's growing infatuation and awkward charm while highlighting Fran's cautious personality. The dialogue reveals character traits—Bud's detail-oriented nature and enthusiasm are endearing, but his admission of snooping through Fran's insurance file feels invasive and could alienate audiences by making him appear creepy rather than quirky. This moment risks undermining the audience's sympathy for Bud, especially in a modern context, as it crosses boundaries without sufficient justification or humor to soften the impact, potentially disrupting the light-hearted tone.
  • The pacing is brisk and transitional, which suits its purpose in the larger narrative, but it lacks deeper emotional stakes or conflict. While Bud's excitement about his promotion and the date builds energy, the scene doesn't fully capitalize on opportunities to explore Fran's internal struggles or foreshadow her complicated relationship with Sheldrake. This results in a somewhat superficial interaction that feels more like setup than a fully realized moment, missing a chance to add layers to their budding romance amid the story's themes of loneliness and corporate manipulation.
  • Visually, the scene uses action descriptions well to convey Bud's clumsiness and joy, such as the cha cha step and the accidental spraying of the carnation, which adds humor and physical comedy. However, these elements could be more integrated to support the emotional arc; for instance, the carnation—already a symbol from Fran—could be emphasized more to reinforce their connection, but it's underutilized here. Additionally, the setting of the street outside the insurance building is described minimally, missing an opportunity for atmospheric details that could contrast the corporate world with Bud's personal life, enhancing the scene's cinematic quality.
  • The dialogue is witty and natural, fitting the characters' voices, but it occasionally veers into exposition, like Bud listing facts about Fran, which feels forced and expository rather than organic. This could break immersion, as it prioritizes revealing information over advancing character relationships. Furthermore, Fran's responses are polite but lack depth, making her seem passive; this might reflect her guarded nature, but it doesn't fully convey her emotional complexity, which is crucial given her arc in the script involving heartbreak and self-doubt.
  • In the context of the overall screenplay, this scene serves as a pivotal moment in establishing Bud and Fran's relationship, contrasting with the preceding scenes of corporate intrigue and Bud's moral compromises. However, it doesn't fully exploit the tension from earlier events, such as Bud's promotion meeting with Sheldrake, to create a more conflicted or ironic undertone. The light tone is appropriate for relief after tense scenes, but it could better balance humor with subtle hints of the story's darker themes, such as the objectification of women in the corporate environment, to make the scene more thematically cohesive.
Suggestions
  • Refine Bud's revelation about knowing Fran's personal details to make it less invasive; for example, have him admit it sheepishly and tie it to his loneliness or admiration, adding a line where he explains it was an impulsive act born from curiosity, to maintain his likability and add depth to his character.
  • Incorporate more emotional beats or subtext in the dialogue to heighten conflict and foreshadowing; for instance, have Fran subtly question Bud's intentions or share a brief, vulnerable moment about her own life, building tension and making their interaction more engaging and less surface-level.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding descriptive actions or details that reinforce themes, such as focusing on the carnation wilting after being sprayed, symbolizing fragile relationships, or using the street setting to show passersby or urban elements that contrast Bud's excitement with the cold, impersonal city, adding layers to the scene's atmosphere.
  • Slow the pacing slightly by extending the walk-and-talk sequence with additional beats, like a shared laugh or a moment of silence, to allow the audience to connect more deeply with the characters' emotions and make the scene feel less rushed within the broader narrative flow.
  • Consider modernizing or contextualizing gender dynamics; for example, adjust Fran's response to Bud's snooping to include a stronger assertion of boundaries, which could empower her character and align with contemporary sensibilities while still fitting the 1960s setting, thus improving the scene's relevance and emotional resonance.



Scene 25 -  A Tense Reunion at The Rickshaw
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - EVENING
Fran comes hurrying along the street. She is late. Her
objective is a small Chinese restaurant, with a neon sign
reading THE RICKSHAW - COCKTAILS - CANTONESE FOOD. She starts
down a flight of steps leading to the entrance.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING
The bar is a long, narrow, dimly-lit room with booths along
one side. Beyond a bamboo curtain is the main dining room,
which does not concern us. The place is decorated in Early
Beachcomber style rattan, fish-nets, conch-shells, etc. The
help is Chinese.
At this early hour, there are only half a dozen customers in
the place -- all at the bar except for one man, sitting in
the last booth with his back toward camera. At a piano, a
Chinese member of Local 808 is improvising mood music.
Fran comes through the door, and without looking around,
heads straight for the last booth. The bartender nods to her -
- they know her there. As she passes the piano player, he
gives her a big smile, segues into JEALOUS LOVER. Fran comes
up to the man sitting in the last booth.
FRAN
(a wistful smile)
Good evening, Mr. Sheldrake.
Sheldrake, for that's who it is,
looks around nervously to make sure
no one has heard her.
SHELDRAKE
Please, Fran -- not so loud.
(he gets up)
FRAN
Still afraid somebody may see us
together?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE
(reaching for her coat)
Let me take that.
FRAN
No, Jeff. I can't stay very long.
(sits opposite him, with
her coat on)
Can I have a frozen daiquiri?
SHELDRAKE
It's on the way.
(sits down)
I see you went ahead and cut your
hair.
FRAN
That's right.
SHELDRAKE
You know I liked it better long.
FRAN
Yes, I know. You want a lock to
carry in your wallet?
A waiter comes up with a tray: two daiquiris, fried shrimp,
eggrolls, and a bowl of sauce.
WAITER
(showing all his teeth)
Evening, lady. Nice see you again.
FRAN
Thank you.
The waiter has set everything on the table, leaves.
SHELDRAKE
How long has it been -- a month?
FRAN
Six weeks. But who's counting?
SHELDRAKE
I missed you, Fran.
FRAN
Like old times. Same booth, same
song --
SHELDRAKE
It's been hell.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
(dipping shrimp)
-- same sauce -- sweet and sour.
SHELDRAKE
You don't know what it's like --
standing next to you in that
elevator, day after day -- Good
morning, Miss Kubelik -- Good
night, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm still
crazy about you, Fran.
FRAN
(avoiding his eyes)
Let's not start on that again, Jeff
-- please. I'm just beginning to
get over it.
SHELDRAKE
I don't believe you.
FRAN
Look, Jeff -- we had two wonderful
months this summer -- and that was
it. Happens all the time -- the
wife and kids go away to the
country, and the boss has a fling
with the secretary or the
manicurist -- or the elevator girl.
Comes September, the picnic is over
-- goodbye. The kids go back to
school, the boss goes back to the
wife, and the girl --
(she is barely able to
control herself)
They don't make these shrimp like
they used to.
SHELDRAKE
I never said goodbye, Fran.
FRAN
(not listening)
For a while there, you try kidding
yourself that you're going with an
unmarried man. Then one day he
keeps looking at his watch, and
asks you if there's any lipstick
showing, then rushes off to catch
the seven-fourteen to White Plains.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN (CONT'D)
So you fix yourself a cup of
instant coffee -- and you sit there
by yourself -- and you think -- and
it all begins to look so ugly --
There are tears in her eyes. She breaks off, downs what's
left of the daiquiri.
SHELDRAKE
How do you think I felt -- riding
home on that seven-fourteen train?
FRAN
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff?
What do you want from me?
SHELDRAKE
(taking her hand)
I want you back, Fran.
FRAN
(withdrawing her hand)
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm full
up. You'll have to take the next
elevator.
SHELDRAKE
You're not giving me a chance,
Fran. I asked you to meet me
because -- I have something to tell
you.
FRAN
Go ahead -- tell me.
SHELDRAKE
(a glance around)
Not here, Fran. Can't we go some
place else?
FRAN
No. I have a date at eight-thirty.
SHELDRAKE
Important?
FRAN
Not very -- but I'm going to be
there anyway.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
She takes out an inexpensive square compact with a fleur de
lis pattern on it, opens it, starts to fix her face. The
waiter comes up with a couple of menus.
WAITER
You ready order dinner now?
FRAN
No. No dinner.
SHELDRAKE
Bring us two more drinks.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAJESTIC THEATRE - EVENING
It is 8:25, and there is the usual hectic to-do -- taxis
pulling up, people milling around the sidewalk and crowding
into the lobby. In the middle of this melee, buffeted by the
throng, stands Bud, in raincoat and hat, looking anxiously
for Fran.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Fran rushes to the dimly-lit Chinese restaurant 'The Rickshaw' to meet Sheldrake, who is anxious about being seen. Their conversation is filled with emotional tension as they discuss their past affair and the pain of separation. Fran, sporting a new haircut, sarcastically addresses Sheldrake's attempts to reconcile, while he pleads for her to return to him. Despite the familiarity of their meeting, Fran insists on leaving for another date, highlighting her struggle with lingering feelings and resentment. The scene ends with a cut to Bud, who is anxiously waiting for Fran outside the Majestic Theatre.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is emotionally charged, with well-developed characters and a strong sense of nostalgia and longing. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the complexities of human relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting a past relationship in a nostalgic setting is compelling and allows for exploration of complex emotions and character dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the emotional reunion between Fran and Sheldrake, delving into their past and the unresolved feelings between them.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of past romance and moving on, exploring the complexities of relationships and personal growth. The characters' interactions feel authentic and nuanced, avoiding clichés.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Fran and Sheldrake are well-developed, with layers of emotion and history that drive the scene forward. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Both Fran and Sheldrake experience emotional growth and reflection during the scene, leading to a deeper understanding of their past and present feelings.

Internal Goal: 8

Fran's internal goal is to maintain her emotional distance from Sheldrake and assert her independence. She wants to show that she is moving on from their past relationship and is not easily swayed by his attempts to rekindle their romance.

External Goal: 7.5

Fran's external goal is to handle her interaction with Sheldrake tactfully and gracefully, without causing a scene in the restaurant or revealing too much to the other patrons.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the unresolved feelings between Fran and Sheldrake rather than external action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Fran and Sheldrake presenting conflicting desires and goals. Fran's resistance to Sheldrake's advances creates tension and uncertainty about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and unresolved emotions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene adds depth to the characters and explores their emotional journey, but does not significantly advance the main plot.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Fran and Sheldrake, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene presents a conflict between Fran's desire for independence and Sheldrake's persistence in trying to win her back. Fran's belief in moving on clashes with Sheldrake's desire to rekindle their past relationship, highlighting different values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and longing in the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional nuances of the characters' interactions. It adds depth to the scene and reveals the inner thoughts of Fran and Sheldrake.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between Fran and Sheldrake, the emotional stakes involved, and the subtle power play between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between characters, with clear beats and progression in the conversation. The pacing and rhythm enhance the tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional tension between Fran and Sheldrake, highlighting Fran's bitterness and sarcasm as a defense mechanism against her lingering pain from their affair. This portrayal helps the audience understand her character's vulnerability and sets up her internal conflict, which is crucial for the story's progression toward her suicide attempt. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly expository, such as when Fran explicitly describes the trope of a boss's summer fling, which can come across as telling rather than showing, potentially reducing the authenticity of the moment and making it less immersive for the viewer.
  • Sheldrake's character is depicted as nervous and manipulative, but he lacks depth in this scene, coming off as a one-dimensional antagonist. His pleading lines, like 'I'm still crazy about you, Fran,' are straightforward but don't reveal much about his motivations or internal struggles, which could make the conflict feel unbalanced. Since the larger script involves themes of manipulation and redemption, this scene misses an opportunity to humanize Sheldrake, perhaps by showing a flicker of genuine remorse or self-awareness, which would make the audience more invested in the dynamics and foreshadow his later actions more effectively.
  • The setting of the Chinese restaurant is atmospheric and symbolic, with elements like the piano playing 'Jealous Lover' enhancing the mood of betrayal and nostalgia. This visual and auditory detail supports the emotional undercurrent, but it could be better integrated to avoid feeling like background noise. For instance, the waiter's familiar greeting to Fran adds a layer of routine sadness to her character, but it's underutilized; expanding on how the environment reflects her emotional state could make the scene more cinematic and less dialogue-heavy, helping viewers connect with the story on a sensory level.
  • Pacing in the scene is generally strong, building from light sarcasm to raw emotion, which mirrors Fran's internal turmoil and keeps the audience engaged. However, the rapid shifts in her demeanor—from witty retorts to near-tears—might feel abrupt without sufficient visual cues or pauses, potentially alienating viewers who need more time to process her emotional journey. In the context of the screenplay's overall structure, this scene serves as a pivotal moment leading to Fran's despair, but it could benefit from subtler transitions to heighten the dramatic impact and make her breakdown more believable and relatable.
  • The scene's connection to the previous one, where Bud is excited about his date with Fran, creates a stark contrast that underscores themes of loneliness and unrequited affection. However, the cut to Bud waiting at the end feels somewhat disconnected, as it doesn't fully capitalize on the emotional buildup from Scene 24. This could confuse viewers about the narrative flow, and while it effectively juxtaposes Bud's hopefulness with Fran's reality, it might need clearer linking elements, such as a reference to the carnation or Bud's anticipation, to strengthen the thematic unity and ensure the audience understands how these characters' stories intertwine.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext and subtlety; for example, have Fran express her pain through indirect references or actions, like fidgeting with her compact, to make the conversation feel more natural and less on-the-nose, enhancing emotional authenticity.
  • Add depth to Sheldrake by including a moment of vulnerability, such as a brief hesitation or a personal admission, to balance the power dynamic and make him a more nuanced character, which could involve rewriting his lines to show internal conflict rather than just pleading.
  • Enhance the use of setting by incorporating more visual and sensory details; for instance, use close-ups on the piano player's expressions or the dim lighting to reflect Fran's mood, making the environment an active participant in the scene and reducing reliance on dialogue for emotional conveyance.
  • Adjust pacing by inserting reaction shots or pauses after key lines, allowing the audience time to absorb Fran's emotional shifts; this could involve adding beats where she looks away or sips her drink, building tension more gradually and improving the scene's rhythm.
  • Improve transitions by adding a subtle callback to the previous scene, such as Fran glancing at the carnation in her memory or Sheldrake mentioning Bud indirectly, to create a smoother narrative flow and reinforce the story's interconnected themes of deception and hope.



Scene 26 -  A Bittersweet Reunion
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING
Fran and Sheldrake, in the booth, are working on the second
round of drinks.
SHELDRAKE
Fran -- remember that last weekend
we had?
FRAN
(wryly)
Do I. That leaky little boat you
rented -- and me in a black
negligee and a life preserver --
SHELDRAKE
Remember what we talked about?
FRAN
We talked about a lot of things.
SHELDRAKE
I mean -- about my getting a
divorce.
FRAN
We didn't talk about it -- you did.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE
You didn't really believe me, did
you?
FRAN
(shrugging)
They got it an a long playing
record now - Music to String Her
Along By. My wife doesn't
understand me -- We haven't gotten
along for years -- You're the best
thing that ever happened to me --
SHELDRAKE
That's enough, Fran.
FRAN
(going right on)
Just trust me, baby -- we'll work
it out somehow --
SHELDRAKE
You're not being funny.
FRAN
I wasn't trying.
SHELDRAKE
If you'll just listen to me for a
minute --
FRAN
Okay. I'm sorry.
SHELDRAKE
I saw my lawyer this morning -- I
wanted his advice -- about the
best way to handle it --
FRAN
Handle what?
SHELDRAKE
What do you think?
FRAN
(looking at him for a long
moment - then)
Let's get something straight, Jeff -
- I never asked you to leave your
wife.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE
Of course not. You had nothing to
do with it.
FRAN
(her eyes misting up
again)
Are you sure that's what you want?
SHELDRAKE
I'm sure. If you'll just tell me
that you still love me --
FRAN
(softly)
You know I do.
SHELDRAKE
Fran --
He takes her hand, kisses it. The bar has been filling up,
and now two couples are seating themselves in a nearby booth.
One of the women is Miss Olsen.
FRAN
(pulling her hand away
gently)
Jeff -- darling --
She indicates the other customers. Sheldrake glances over his
shoulder.
SHELDRAKE
It is crowding up. Let's get out of
here.
They rise. Sheldrake leaves some money on the table, leads
Fran toward the entrance. As they pass Miss Olsen's booth,
she turns around slowly, and putting on her glasses, looks
after them.
Sheldrake slips a bill to the piano player, who gives them a
big smile, slides into JEALOUS LOVER again. Retrieving his
hat and coat from the checkroom girl, Sheldrake steers Fran
through the door. Miss Olsen watches them with a cold smile.
EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING
Fran and Sheldrake come up the steps.
SHELDRAKE
(to a passing cab)
Taxi!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
It passes without stopping.
FRAN
I have that date -- remember?
SHELDRAKE
I love you -- remember?
Another taxi approaches. Sheldrake gives a shrill whistle,
and it pulls up. He opens the door.
FRAN
Where are we going, Jeff? Not back
to that leaky boat --
SHELDRAKE
I promise.
He helps her into the cab, takes out of his coat pocket the
page from the pad on which Bud wrote the address of the
apartment.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
(to cab driver)
West Sixty-Seventh.
He gets in beside Fran, shuts the door. As the cab pulls
away, through the rear window the two can be seen kissing.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a bustling Chinese restaurant, Fran and Sheldrake share drinks and reflect on their complicated relationship, with Fran expressing skepticism about Sheldrake's intentions to divorce his wife. Despite her guardedness, she admits her love for him, leading to a moment of vulnerability. Their intimate conversation is interrupted by the arrival of other patrons, including the disapproving Miss Olsen. As they decide to leave, Sheldrake tips the piano player, and they share a kiss in a cab, heading to Bud's apartment, highlighting the emotional tension and romance of their affair.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Reliance on past events

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong character interactions and a deep exploration of past connections. The tension and conflicting emotions add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of revisiting a past relationship and exploring unresolved feelings is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progression focuses on the emotional confrontation between Fran and Sheldrake, revealing their inner conflicts and past history.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of extramarital affairs, exploring the emotional complexities and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' inner conflicts effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Fran and Sheldrake are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their interactions. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Both Fran and Sheldrake experience emotional shifts during the scene, confronting their past and facing the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complexities of his romantic relationship and personal desires while dealing with the moral implications of his actions. He struggles with his feelings for Fran and the guilt of his marital situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his affair with Fran while managing the consequences and potential fallout of his actions, particularly in relation to his marriage and social standing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.3

The emotional conflict between Fran and Sheldrake drives the scene, creating tension and uncertainty about their future interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the resolution of the characters' conflicts.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the characters' emotional well-being and the potential impact of their decisions on their future relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene deepens the character dynamics and sets the stage for future developments in the narrative, particularly regarding Fran and Sheldrake's relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their relationship. The audience is left wondering about the characters' choices and their consequences.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's conflicting values of love and duty, highlighting the tension between personal happiness and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and unresolved feelings.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is poignant and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. It captures the tension and emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional dynamics between the characters, the witty dialogue, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize. The dialogue is well-segmented and flows naturally.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dialogue-driven structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively heightens the emotional tension between Fran and Sheldrake, building on their established affair and Fran's growing cynicism, which helps the audience understand the complexities of their dysfunctional relationship. However, some dialogue feels overly expository, such as Fran's sarcastic recitation of clichéd lines men use, which could come across as too on-the-nose and less naturalistic, potentially reducing the authenticity of her character in this moment. This risks making the conflict feel contrived rather than deeply personal, which might alienate viewers who are looking for more subtle emotional depth in romantic dramas.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally strong, escalating from nostalgic reminiscence to a plea for reconciliation, which mirrors the film's themes of deception and desire. Yet, the transition to their departure feels rushed, with Fran's shift from skepticism to affection appearing somewhat abrupt. This could undermine the buildup of her internal conflict, making her decision to leave with Sheldrake less believable and reducing the impact of the scene's resolution. As a key moment in the affair's arc, it might benefit from more gradual character development to maintain audience investment.
  • Visually, the scene uses the crowded bar and the appearance of Miss Olsen to add layers of surveillance and irony, effectively foreshadowing future complications. However, Miss Olsen's role is somewhat underdeveloped here; her cold smile and observation could be more prominently featured to emphasize her significance, as she represents a ticking time bomb in the narrative. This lack of focus on secondary characters might make the scene feel insular, missing an opportunity to broaden the story's scope and heighten the sense of impending doom.
  • The dialogue and actions successfully convey the power imbalance in Fran and Sheldrake's relationship, with Sheldrake's manipulative persistence contrasting Fran's vulnerable admissions. That said, the scene could explore Fran's emotional state more through visual and physical cues—such as her body language or facial expressions—rather than relying heavily on spoken words. This would align better with cinematic storytelling principles, allowing the audience to infer emotions and creating a more immersive experience.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by solidifying Sheldrake's control and setting up the consequences of their affair, but it risks repetition with familiar tropes of unfaithful relationships. The ending, with their kiss in the cab, is a poignant visual symbol of their entanglement, but it might feel predictable. To enhance originality, the writer could infuse more unique elements that tie into the film's insurance company setting or Bud's unwitting involvement, making the scene stand out within the larger narrative.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext; for example, have Fran express her sarcasm through hesitant pauses or indirect references, allowing the audience to read between the lines and making her character feel more nuanced and relatable.
  • Extend the buildup to their departure by adding a small interruption or moment of hesitation, such as Sheldrake noticing Miss Olsen or Fran glancing at her watch, to heighten tension and make the resolution feel more earned and emotionally charged.
  • Amplify Miss Olsen's presence with additional reaction shots or a brief close-up of her expression, ensuring her role as a catalyst for future conflict is clearer and more engaging, which could also build suspense for the audience.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the action lines, like describing the dim lighting, the clinking of glasses, or the piano music swelling, to create a richer atmosphere and draw viewers deeper into the scene's emotional undercurrents.
  • Consider adding a subtle callback to Bud's character or the apartment to reinforce the interconnected plot threads; for instance, have Sheldrake reference the address note more explicitly, reminding the audience of Bud's indirect involvement and increasing the dramatic irony.



Scene 27 -  A New Beginning
EXT. MAJESTIC THEATRE - EVENING
It's 9 o'clock, the lobby is deserted, and standing on the
sidewalk all by himself, is Bud. He takes a Kleenex out of
his pocket, blows his nose, stuffs the used Kleenex in
another pocket. He looks up and down the street, consults his
watch, decides to wait just a little longer.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
BAXTER'S DESK CALENDAR
The leaves are flipping over. Mr. Sheldrake seems to be using
The Apartment regularly -- for the name Sheldrake, in Bud's
handwriting, appears on the pages dated Monday, November 9,
Thursday, November 12, Thursday, November 19, Monday,
November 23, and Monday, November 30.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Mr. Sheldrake also seems to be Baxter's only customer by now,
since the other leaves of the calendar are blank.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - INSURANCE BUILDING - DAY
It is a gloomy December morning, and hundreds of desk-bound
employees are bent over their paper-work. Bud Baxter, in
raincoat and hat, is clearing out his desk. He has piled
everything on his blotter pad -- reference books, papers, a
fountain pen set, pencils, paper clips and the calendar.
Watching him from the next desk is a dumbfounded Moffett.
Bud picks up the blotter pad with his stuff on it, and as he
moves past Moffett's desk, Moffett takes out a dollar bill,
drops it grudgingly on the loaded pad. Bud flashes him a
little grin, continues between the desks toward the row of
glass-enclosed offices housing the supervisory personnel.
He comes up to an unoccupied cubicle. A sign painter is
brushing in some new lettering on the glass door -- it reads
C. C. BAXTER, Second Administrative Assistant. Bud studies
the sign with a good deal of satisfaction.
BUD
(to painter)
Would you mind --?
(the painter turns around)
C. C. Baxter -- that's me.
With an "Oh, " the painter opens the door for him.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary The scene begins with Bud Baxter waiting alone outside the Majestic Theatre, reflecting on his loneliness. It transitions to a close-up of his desk calendar, revealing Mr. Sheldrake's exclusive use of Bud's apartment on specific dates, hinting at underlying tensions. Inside the insurance building, Bud clears out his desk on a gloomy December morning, receiving a reluctant dollar from his colleague Moffett. He then confidently identifies himself to a sign painter, who opens the door to his new office, marking a bittersweet moment of achievement amidst the somber atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a somber mood and introspective tone, providing depth to Bud's character and setting up emotional resonance for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of solitude and reflection in the midst of a busy workplace is compelling, offering insight into Bud's character development and internal conflicts.

Plot: 8

While the scene may not drive the main plot forward significantly, it serves as a crucial moment for character development and emotional depth, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on office life, portraying the protagonist's search for recognition in a relatable yet nuanced manner. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Bud's character is richly portrayed in this scene, showcasing his vulnerability, regrets, and internal struggles, making him more relatable and complex.

Character Changes: 7

Bud undergoes a subtle emotional transformation in this scene, moving from a state of resignation to a moment of introspection and self-awareness.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of validation and identity in his workplace, as seen through his satisfaction at seeing his name on the office door.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to navigate his work environment and possibly seek recognition or advancement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks overt conflict but focuses more on internal struggles and emotional tension, creating a different kind of dramatic tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by the protagonist's internal struggles and the challenges of corporate life, adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on Bud's personal growth and reflections rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't propel the main plot forward significantly, it enriches the character development and adds emotional depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its depiction of office dynamics and the protagonist's quest for recognition, lacking major unexpected twists or developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Bud's personal fulfillment and the impersonal nature of corporate life. His desire for recognition clashes with the routine and anonymity of office work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, tapping into themes of loneliness, regret, and self-reflection, resonating on a deep level.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying Bud's emotions and reflections effectively without unnecessary exposition.

Engagement: 7.5

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the protagonist's internal and external struggles, creating a sense of empathy and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the protagonist's journey and experiences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, utilizing scene transitions and descriptive elements to enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between locations and effectively conveying the protagonist's actions and emotions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses visual storytelling to convey the passage of time and Bud's career progression, such as the calendar flip and the sign painting, which are concise and cinematic ways to show exposition without relying on dialogue. This helps maintain pacing in a script that spans multiple scenes, allowing the audience to infer Bud's increasing entanglement with Sheldrake and his professional rise, which ties into the overarching themes of ambition and exploitation. However, the transition from Bud waiting alone outside the theater to the calendar feels abrupt and emotionally detached, potentially losing the audience's connection to Bud's disappointment from being stood up in the previous scene. This could undermine the emotional weight of his loneliness, a key character trait, by shifting focus too quickly to procedural elements like the calendar and desk clearing.
  • The calendar sequence is a clever device to visually summarize Sheldrake's exclusive use of the apartment, highlighting Bud's role as a passive enabler and reinforcing the theme of personal sacrifice for career gain. Yet, it comes across as somewhat heavy-handed and expository, as it directly shows dates and names without integrating into the action or character emotions, which might make it feel like a data dump rather than organic storytelling. In screenwriting, such montages should ideally arise from character actions or conflicts to feel more immersive, rather than serving as a standalone insert that tells rather than shows.
  • Bud's physical actions, like clearing out his desk and interacting with Moffett and the sign painter, effectively illustrate his promotion and the bet payoff, adding a touch of humor and realism to the corporate environment. This scene captures Bud's satisfaction in his new role, which is a natural progression from earlier scenes, but it lacks deeper insight into his internal conflict. For instance, while the promotion is a milestone, there's little exploration of how Bud feels about it morally, given his awareness of how it was achieved through unethical means, which could make the scene more nuanced and help the audience understand his character evolution better.
  • The overall tone and pacing of the scene align with the film's blend of comedy and drama, with the gloomy December morning setting enhancing the sense of isolation and melancholy. However, the brevity of interactions, such as with Moffett and the painter, feels underdeveloped; these moments could be opportunities to reveal more about Bud's relationships or his mixed emotions about his success. As scene 27 is part of a larger narrative, it serves as a bridge, but it might not stand alone strongly, potentially confusing viewers if they miss the contextual buildup from prior scenes regarding Bud's stood-up date and Sheldrake's influence.
  • Visually, the scene is straightforward and functional, with elements like the desk calendar and sign painting providing clear visual cues, but it could benefit from more dynamic cinematography or symbolic details to heighten engagement. For example, the fade out from Bud waiting alone emphasizes his isolation, which is poignant, but the dissolve to the office might not fully capitalize on this by rushing into the professional change without lingering on the emotional fallout. This could make the scene feel more like a plot checkpoint than a memorable beat, reducing its impact in a screenplay that relies on character-driven humor and pathos.
Suggestions
  • To smooth the transition between Bud's disappointment outside the theater and the calendar sequence, add a brief insert or a close-up of Bud reflecting on his situation before the fade out, such as him crumpling a ticket stub or glancing at a clock, to maintain emotional continuity and make the time jump feel less jarring.
  • Make the calendar reveal less explicit by integrating it into Bud's actions; for instance, have him flip through the calendar while muttering to himself or showing a reaction shot that conveys his unease about Sheldrake's dominance, turning it into a character moment rather than pure exposition.
  • Enhance Bud's character development by expanding the desk-clearing scene to include a subtle internal monologue or a more detailed interaction with Moffett, where Bud hints at his moral qualms about his promotion, adding depth and foreshadowing future conflicts in the story.
  • Incorporate more visual symbolism or environmental details to enrich the scene, such as having Bud pause while packing to look at an item that reminds him of Fran or Sheldrake, linking back to his personal life and reinforcing themes of loneliness and exploitation without adding dialogue.
  • Consider tightening the pacing by combining the calendar and desk-clearing elements or adding a line of dialogue during Bud's entry into the new office to heighten the comedic or dramatic tension, ensuring the scene not only advances the plot but also builds emotional investment for the audience.



Scene 28 -  Office Politics and Hidden Agendas
INT. BAXTER'S OFFICE - DAY
Bud enters his new office, deposits his stuff on the bare
desk, looks around possessively. The small cubicle boasts one
window, carpeting on the floor, a filing cabinet, a couple of
synthetic-leather chairs, and a clothes-tree -- to Bud, it is
the Taj Mahal. He crosses to the clothes-tree, removes his
hat and coat, hangs them up. From OFF comes --
KIRKEBY'S VOICE
Hi, Buddy-boy.
DOBISCH'S VOICE
Congratulations, and all that jazz.
Bud turns. Kirkeby, Dobisch, Eichelberger and Vanderhof have
come into the office.
BUD
Hi, fellas.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
EICHELBERGER
Well, you made it, kid -- just like
we promised.
VANDERHOF
Quite an office -- name on the door
-- rug on the floor -- the whole
schmear.
BUD
Yeah.
DOBISCH
Teamwork -- that's what counts in
an organization like this. All for
one and one for all -- know what I
mean?
BUD
I have a vague idea.
Kirkeby signals to Vanderhof, who shuts the door. The four
charter members of the club start closing in on Bud.
KIRKEBY
Baxter, we're a little disappointed
in you -- gratitude-wise.
BUD
Oh, I'm very grateful.
EIGHELBERGER
Then why are you locking us out,
all of a sudden?
BUD
It's been sort of rough these last
few weeks -- what with my cold and
like that --
He has picked up the desk calendar, shoves it discreetly into
one of the drawers.
DOBISCH
We went to bat for you -- and now
you won't play ball with us.
BUD
Well, after all, it's my apartment -
- it's private property -- it's not
a public playground.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
VANDERHOF
All right, so you got yourself a
girl -- that's okay with us -- but
not every night of the week.
KIRKEBY
How selfish can you get?
(to the others)
Last week I had to borrow my
nephew's car and take Sylvia to a
drive-in in Jersey. I'm too old for
that sort of thing -- I mean, in a
Volkswagen.
BUD
I sympathize with your problem --
and believe me, I'm very sorry --
DOBISCH
You'll be a lot sorrier before
we're through with you.
BUD
You threatening me?
DOBISCH
Listen, Baxter, we made you and we
can break you.
He deliberately flips a cigar ash on Bud's desk. At the same
time, the door opens, and Sheldrake comes striding in
briskly.
BUD
Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake.
The others swivel around.
SHELDRAKE
Morning, gentlemen.
(to Bud)
Everything satisfactory? You like
your office?
BUD
Oh, yes, sir. Very much. And I want
to thank you --
SHELDRAKE
Don't thank me -- thank your
friends here -- they're the ones
who recommended you.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
The four friends manage to work up some sickly smiles.
DOBISCH
We just dropped in to wish him the
best.
Dorbisch quickly brushes cigar ash off desk
KIRKEBY
(as they move toward the
door)
So long, Baxter. We know you won't
let us down.
BUD
So long, fellas. Drop in any time.
The door is always open -- to my
office.
They leave. Sheldrake and Bud are alone.
SHELDRAKE
I like the way you handled that.
Well, how does it feel to be an
executive?
BUD
Fine. And I want you to know I'll
work very hard to justify your
confidence in me --
SHELDRAKE
Sure you will.
(a beat)
Say, Baxter, about the apartment -
now that you got a raise, don't you
think we can afford a second key?
BUD
Well -- I guess so.
SHELDRAKE
You know my secretary -- Miss Olsen
--
BUD
Oh, yes. Very attractive. Is she --
the lucky one?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
SHELDRAKE
No, you don't understand. She's a
busybody -- always poking her nose
into things -- and with that key
passing back and forth -- why take
chances?
BUD
Yes, sir. You can't be too careful.
He glances toward the glass partitions to make sure that
nobody is watching.
BUD (CONT’D)
I have something here -- I think it
belongs to you.
Out of his pocket he has slipped the compact with the fleur-
de-lis pattern we saw Fran use at the Rickshaw. He holds it
out to Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
To me?
BUD
I mean -- the young lady -- whoever
she may be -- it was on the couch
when I got home last night.
SHELDRAKE
Oh, yes. Thanks.
BUD
The mirror is broken.
(opens compact, revealing
crack in mirror)
It was broken when I found it.
SHELDRAKE
So it was.
(takes the compact)
She threw it at me.
BUD
Sir?
SHELDRAKE
You know how it is -- sooner or
later they all give you a bad time.
BUD
(man-of-the-world)
I know how it is.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
SHELDRAKE
You see a girl a couple of times a
week -- just for laughs -- and
right away she thinks you're going
to divorce your wife. I ask you --
is that fair?
BUD
No, sir. That's very unfair --
especially to your wife.
SHELDRAKE
Yeah.
(shifting gears)
You know, Baxter, I envy you.
Bachelor -- all the dames you want -
- no headaches, no complications --
BUD
Yes, sir. That's the life, all
right.
SHELDRAKE
Put me down for Thursday again.
BUD
Roger. And I'll get that other key.
Sheldrake exits. Bud takes the calendar out of the desk
drawer, makes an entry.
DISSOLVE TO:
BAXTER'S DESK CALENDAR
Again the leaves are flipping over, and again we see
Sheldrake's name in Bud's handwriting -- booked for the
following dates: Monday, December 14, Thursday, December 17,
Monday, December 21, Thursday, December 24.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 28, Bud Baxter arrives at his new office, where he is initially pleased with his promotion. However, he is quickly confronted by Kirkeby, Dobisch, Eichelberger, and Vanderhof, who demand continued access to his apartment, which they previously helped him use to curry favor with superiors. Despite Bud's attempts to deflect their threats, the confrontation escalates until Sheldrake, a higher executive, enters and praises Bud, causing the men to back down. Alone with Sheldrake, Bud learns about his extramarital affair and agrees to provide a key to the apartment for Sheldrake's use, marking a shift in their professional dynamic. The scene concludes with Bud scheduling Sheldrake's future visits on his calendar.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy dialogue-driven

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through confrontational dialogue and reveals underlying power dynamics. It sets the stage for future conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around workplace politics, loyalty, and personal boundaries. It explores the consequences of compromising one's values for professional gain.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances as Bud navigates the challenges of his promotion and faces pressure from his colleagues. The conflict intensifies, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces a familiar office setting but adds originality through the nuanced portrayal of power dynamics and personal conflicts. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and set the stage for character growth.

Character Changes: 8

Bud experiences a shift in his relationships with his colleagues, facing challenges that test his loyalty and integrity. The scene sets the stage for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the power dynamics and expectations of his colleagues while maintaining his own boundaries and integrity. This reflects his need for autonomy and respect in the face of pressure from his peers.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to establish himself as a competent and respected executive in the eyes of his colleagues and superiors. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal relationships with professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with confrontations, power struggles, and manipulation at play. The tension between characters drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bud facing pressure and manipulation from his colleagues. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Bud navigates office politics, loyalty dilemmas, and the consequences of his actions. The scene sets the tone for significant repercussions in the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, power dynamics, and challenges for the protagonist. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and unexpected revelations about the characters' intentions. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' conflicting motives and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between personal boundaries and professional expectations. Bud is pressured to conform to his colleagues' demands, highlighting the tension between loyalty and self-respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes tension and unease, with moments of sarcasm and manipulation adding depth to the emotional dynamics. The audience is left anticipating the resolution of the conflicts.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, reflecting the power dynamics and tensions between the characters. It effectively conveys the confrontational nature of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, escalating tensions, and subtle reveals of character motivations. The dialogue and pacing keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for character development and conflict escalation. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting standards for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format typical of workplace drama genres, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates the consequences of Bud's earlier decisions to lend out his apartment, creating a strong sense of irony and conflict as his professional success directly stems from moral compromises. This ties into the script's overarching themes of ambition, loneliness, and ethical decay, making it a pivotal moment that highlights how Bud's 'favors' have trapped him in a web of obligations. However, the confrontation with the executives feels somewhat formulaic, with their dialogue being overly expository—lines like 'We made you and we can break you' directly state the power dynamics without much subtlety, which could alienate viewers who prefer more nuanced character interactions. This directness might stem from the need to quickly establish stakes in a mid-script scene, but it risks making the characters appear one-dimensional, as their threats lack the personal venom or backstory that could make them more compelling.
  • Bud's character development is consistent with his portrayal as a people-pleaser who avoids confrontation, but the scene misses an opportunity to delve deeper into his internal conflict. For instance, when he hides the desk calendar, it's a clever visual cue of his guilt and evasion, but there's little exploration of his emotions beyond surface-level reactions. This could be enhanced by showing more of Bud's physical or facial responses—such as a nervous tic or a moment of hesitation—to convey his growing discomfort with the situation, helping the audience better understand his moral dilemma and making his arc more relatable. Additionally, the shift to Sheldrake's personal life, particularly the exchange about the compact, feels abrupt and underdeveloped; it introduces Fran's story without sufficient buildup, potentially confusing viewers who aren't fully caught up on the romantic subplot from earlier scenes.
  • Pacing in the scene is generally strong, with the quick shift from confrontation to resolution via Sheldrake's entrance creating a rhythmic flow that maintains tension. However, the resolution comes too easily once Sheldrake appears, as the executives back down almost immediately, which undercuts the initial threat and reduces the scene's dramatic weight. This could be attributed to the script's need to advance the plot efficiently in a 60-scene structure, but it might benefit from more sustained conflict or a twist to heighten stakes, such as one of the executives challenging Sheldrake or Bud facing a lingering consequence. The dissolve to the calendar at the end is a smart recurring visual motif that reinforces Bud's loss of control over his life, but it feels tacked on without a stronger emotional anchor, making the transition less impactful.
  • In terms of tone, the scene balances humor and drama well, with moments like Dobisch ashing on Bud's desk adding a comedic edge that contrasts with the underlying seriousness, which is characteristic of the script's style. However, this humor sometimes overshadows the emotional depth, particularly in Bud's interactions with Sheldrake, where the dialogue about women and affairs comes across as clichéd and stereotypical. This could alienate modern audiences sensitive to gender portrayals, as the 'man-of-the-world' banter reinforces outdated tropes about male-female relationships. Furthermore, while the scene advances the plot by setting up future conflicts (e.g., Sheldrake's continued use of the apartment), it doesn't fully capitalize on the opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of Bud's isolation, especially given the context from scene 27 where he's shown waiting alone and achieving his promotion—linking these could strengthen thematic continuity.
  • Visually, the scene uses the office setting effectively to symbolize Bud's upward mobility, with details like the clothes-tree and filing cabinet contrasting his previous desk job, but the blocking could be more dynamic to enhance engagement. For example, the executives 'closing in' on Bud is a good directional choice that builds claustrophobia, but it's described in a static way that might not translate cinematically without more specific camera directions. The dialogue-heavy nature of the scene relies on performances to carry the weight, but incorporating more action or reaction shots could make it more visually compelling. Overall, while the scene serves its purpose in the narrative, it could be more memorable by integrating these elements to create a richer, more immersive experience for the viewer.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository and more subtle; for instance, have the executives imply their threats through actions or indirect comments, like casually mentioning past 'favors' done for others who didn't cooperate, to make the confrontation feel more organic and tense.
  • Add internal conflict for Bud by including visual cues or beats, such as a close-up of his hands trembling or a brief flashback to an earlier scene, to show his growing awareness of the ethical cost of his actions, making his character more sympathetic and the scene more emotionally resonant.
  • Extend the confrontation slightly to build higher stakes before Sheldrake's interruption; for example, let one executive reveal a personal anecdote about how Bud's apartment helped them, creating a moment of hesitation in Bud that heightens the drama and makes the resolution more satisfying.
  • Smooth the transition to Sheldrake's personal discussion by foreshadowing it earlier in the scene, perhaps with Bud glancing at the compact in his pocket, to make the reveal less abrupt and better integrate it with the romantic subplot involving Fran.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by incorporating more cinematic elements, such as using the glass partitions for reflections or shadows to symbolize Bud's transparency and vulnerability, and ensure the dissolve to the calendar is preceded by a line of dialogue or action that ties it back to the conversation, reinforcing the theme of recurring exploitation.



Scene 29 -  Holiday Revelations
INT. SWITCHBOARD ROOM - DAY
Perched on top of the switchboard is a small decorated
Christmas tree, and the operators are dispensing holiday
greetings to all callers.
OPERATORS
Consolidated Life -- Merry
Christmas -- I'll connect you --
Consolidated Life -- Merry
Christmas -- I'm ringing --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
In the foreground, Sylvia is engaged in a private
conversation of her own.
SYLVIA
(into mouthpiece)
Yeah? -- YEAH? -- Where? -- You bet
--
She tears off her headset, and turns to the other girls.
SYLVIA (CONT’D)
Somebody watch my line -- there's a
swinging party up on the nineteenth
floor --
She scoots out the door. The other girls immediately abandon
their posts, and dash after her.
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
It's a swinging party, all right. Nobody is working. Several
desks have been cleared and pushed together, and on top of
this improvised stage four female employees and Mr. Dobisch,
with his pants-legs rolled up, are doing a Rockette kick
routine to the tune of JINGLE BELLS.
Employees are ringed around the performers, some drinking out
of paper cups, others singing and clapping in rhythm. One of
the cubicles has been transformed into a bar, and it is
jammed with people.
Mr. Kirkeby and Mr. Vanderhof are pouring -- each has a
couple of bottles of liquor in his hands, and is emptying
them into the open top of a water- cooler. But the stuff is
flowing out as fast as it flows in -- everybody is in line
with a paper cup waiting for a refill.
Bud comes shouldering his way out of the crowded cubicle,
holding aloft two paper cups filled with booze. Since his
promotion he has bought himself a new suit, dark flannel, and
with it he wears a white shirt with a pinned round collar,
and a foulard tie.
He also has quite a glow on. Detouring past necking couples,
he heads in the direction of the elevators. The doors of
Fran's elevator are just opening, and the switchboard
operators, led by Sylvia, come streaming out.
SYLVIA
(to a colleague)
-- so I said to him: Never again! --
either get yourself a bigger car or
a smaller girl --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
As they head for the party, they pass Bud, who is approaching
the elevator with the two drinks. Fran is just closing the
elevator doors.
BUD
Miss Kubelik.
The doors slide open again, and Fran looks out. Instead of
the customary carnation in the lapel of her uniform, she
wears a sprig of holly.
BUD (CONT’D)
(holding out one of the
drinks)
Marry Christmas.
FRAN
Thank you.
(takes drink)
I thought you were avoiding me.
BUD
What gave you that idea?
FRAN
In the last six weeks you've only
been in my elevator once -- and
then you didn't take your hat off.
BUD
Well, as a matter of fact, I was
rather hurt when you stood me up
that night --
FRAN
I don't blame you. It was
unforgivable.
BUD
I forgive you.
FRAN
You shouldn't.
BUD
You couldn't help yourself. I mean,
when you're having a drink with one
man, you can't just suddenly walk
out on him because you have another
date with another man. You did the
only decent thing.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
Don't be too sure. Just because I
wear a uniform -- that doesn't make
me a Girl Scout.
BUD
Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be
a second administrative assistant
around here unless he's a pretty
good judge of character -- and as
far as I'm concerned, you're tops.
I mean, decency-wise -- and
otherwise-wise.
(toasting)
Cheers.
FRAN
Cheers.
They down their drinks. Bud takes the empty cup from her.
BUD
One more?
FRAN
(indicating elevator)
I shouldn't drink when I'm driving.
BUD
You're so right.
He reaches into the elevator, takes a cardboard sign off a
hook, hangs it on the elevator door. It reads USE OTHER
ELEVATOR.
BUD (CONT’D)
By the power vested in me, I
herewith declare this elevator out
of order.
(leading her toward the
party)
Shall we join the natives?
FRAN
Why not?
(as they pass a kissing
couple)
They seem friendly enough.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
BUD
Don't you believe it. Later on
there will be human sacrifices --
white collar workers tossed into
the computing machines, and punched
full of those little square holes.
FRAN
How many of those drinks did you
have?
BUD
(holding up four fingers)
Three.
FRAN
I thought so.
They have now reached the entrance to the bar, which is
overflowing with thirsty natives.
BUD
You wait here. I think I hear the
sound of running water.
He leaves her outside the cubicle, and elbows his way through
the crowd toward the booze-filled water cooler. Out of
another cubicle comes Miss Olsen, cup in hand. She too has
had quite a few. Seeing Fran, she walks up to her, with an
acid smile on her face.
MISS OLSEN
Hi. How's the branch manager from
Kansas City?
FRAN
I beg your pardon?
MISS OLSEN
I'm Miss Olsen -- Mr. Sheldrake's
secretary.
FRAN
Yes, I know.
MISS OLSEN
So you don't have to play innocent
with me. He used to tell his wife
that I was the branch manager from
Seattle -- four years ago when we
were having a little ring-a-ding-
ding.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
FRAN
I don't know what you're talking
about.
MISS OLSEN
And before me there was Miss Rossi
in Auditing -- and after me there
was Miss Koch in Disability -- and
just before you there was Miss
What's-Her-Name, on the twenty-
fifth floor --
FRAN
(wanting to get away)
Will you excuse me?
MISS OLSEN
(holding her by the arm)
What for? You haven't done anything
-- it's him -- what a salesman --
always the last booth in the
Chinese restaurant -- and the same
pitch about divorcing his wife --
and in the end you wind up with egg
foo yong on your face.
Bud comes burrowing out of the crowded cubicle, balancing the
two filled paper cups, spots Fran.
BUD
Miss Kubelik.
Fran turns away from Miss Olsen.
FRAN
Well -- thank you.
MISS OLSEN
Always happy to do something for
our girls in uniform.
She moves off as Bud joins Fran, who is looking a little
pale.
BUD
You all right? What's the matter?
FRAN
Nothing.
(takes the drink)
There are just too many people
here.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
BUD
Why don't we step into any office?
There's something I want your
advice about, anyway.
(leads her toward his
cubicle)
I have my own office now,
naturally. And you may be
interested to know I'm the second
youngest executive in the company --
the only one younger is a grandson
of the chairman of the board.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In Scene 29, the switchboard operators joyfully abandon their posts to join a lively Christmas party on the 19th floor, where employees engage in festive activities and dancing. Bud, slightly intoxicated, reconciles with Fran after a past misunderstanding, but the mood shifts when Miss Olsen confronts Fran about Mr. Sheldrake's infidelity, leaving Fran distressed. The scene concludes with Bud and Fran seeking privacy in his office as the party continues around them.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of humor and tension
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Subtle foreshadowing of future developments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may require clarification for audience understanding

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends humor, romance, and tension, showcasing character interactions and setting up future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a holiday party setting serves as a backdrop for character revelations, workplace dynamics, and romantic tension.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses by revealing character relationships, conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh dynamics within a familiar office setting, blending holiday festivities with personal relationships and workplace conflicts. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Character interactions are engaging, showcasing humor, tension, and hints of romance, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Character dynamics evolve subtly, setting the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Sylvia's internal goal is to have fun and break away from the routine of work. This reflects her desire for excitement and enjoyment in her life.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to reconnect with Fran and potentially seek her advice. This reflects his immediate desire to establish a connection with her and possibly progress their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict is subtly hinted at through character interactions and personal revelations, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and uncertainty, particularly in Fran's interactions with Miss Olsen, creating obstacles that challenge the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are subtly raised through personal revelations and workplace dynamics, hinting at potential conflicts.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing character relationships, conflicts, and setting up future plot points.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and revelations, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around societal expectations, relationships, and personal values. Fran's interaction with Miss Olsen highlights the challenges of navigating workplace dynamics and personal integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene elicits emotions through humor, tension, and hints of romance, engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, playful, and reveals character traits, setting the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its lively setting, dynamic character interactions, and the unfolding of personal and professional dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances dialogue, action, and character interactions, maintaining a rhythm that enhances the scene's impact and progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, with clear scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting that aid in visualizing the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between locations, characters, and dialogues, maintaining coherence and clarity.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and festive atmosphere of an office Christmas party, which serves as a strong contrast to the underlying personal conflicts, enhancing the thematic elements of superficial corporate cheer masking deeper emotional turmoil. This contrast helps the audience understand the characters' isolation within a bustling environment, a recurring motif in the script.
  • Bud's interaction with Fran in the elevator is charming and reveals his forgiving nature and growing affection, which is a key development in their relationship. However, his drunken state and self-aggrandizing dialogue (e.g., claiming to be a good judge of character) might make him appear less sympathetic or overly expository, potentially diluting the authenticity of his character in this moment.
  • The revelation by Miss Olsen about Sheldrake's history of affairs is a pivotal plot point that adds significant emotional depth and conflict for Fran, effectively building tension and foreshadowing future drama. Yet, the delivery feels somewhat abrupt and reliant on exposition; showing Fran's reaction more subtly through visual cues or body language could make it more impactful and less dialogue-heavy.
  • The visual elements, such as the improvised Rockette routine and the booze-filled water cooler, add humor and energy to the scene, reinforcing the script's satirical take on corporate culture. However, these elements risk overshadowing the character-driven moments, making the scene feel crowded and potentially distracting from the core emotional beats involving Bud and Fran.
  • The transition from the switchboard room to the 19th floor party is smooth and integrates the holiday spirit well, but the initial focus on Sylvia and the operators feels somewhat disconnected from the main action. This could be streamlined to better serve the primary narrative thread, ensuring every part of the scene advances the story or character development.
  • Overall, the scene fits well into the larger narrative by advancing Bud and Fran's relationship and introducing new conflict through Miss Olsen's interference, but it could benefit from tighter focus to avoid feeling like a filler sequence amidst the party's chaos. The tone balances humor and drama effectively, but ensuring that the dramatic elements are given equal weight prevents the comedy from undermining the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the opening in the switchboard room by reducing the focus on secondary characters like Sylvia, making it shorter to quickly transition to the main party action and keep the pace brisk.
  • Enhance Fran's reaction to Miss Olsen's revelation with more visual storytelling, such as close-ups of her face showing shock or distress, or subtle physical actions like clutching her drink tighter, to convey emotion without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Refine Bud's dialogue to make it less boastful and more sincere; for example, rephrase his lines about being a good judge of character to focus on his genuine feelings for Fran, making his affection feel more organic and less self-serving.
  • Balance the comedic and dramatic elements by cutting back on extraneous party details (e.g., the Rockette routine) if they don't directly tie into character interactions, ensuring the humor supports rather than competes with the emotional core of the scene.
  • Improve scene transitions by adding a brief establishing shot or sound bridge between the switchboard room and the 19th floor to make the shift feel less jarring and more cohesive.
  • Consider adding a small moment of introspection for Bud after noticing Fran's discomfort, such as a quick glance or pause, to deepen his character and show his growing awareness of the situation, helping to build empathy and foreshadow his later development.



Scene 30 -  Unraveling Connections
INT. BAXTER'S OFFICE - DAY
Bud ushers Fran in, and is confronted by a strange couple
necking in the corner. He gestures them out, crosses to his
desk.
BUD
Miss Kubelik, I would like your
honest opinion. I've had this in my
desk for a week -- cost me fifteen
dollars -- but I just couldn't get
up enough nerve to wear it --
From under the desk he has produced a hatbox, and out of the
hatbox a black bowler, which he now puts on his head.
BUD (CONT’D)
It's what they call the junior
executive model. What do you think?
Fran looks at him blankly, absorbed in her own thoughts.
BUD (CONT’D)
Guess I made a boo-boo, huh?
FRAN
(paying attention again)
No -- I like it.
BUD
Really? You mean you wouldn't be
ashamed to be seen with somebody in
a hat like this?
FRAN
Of course not.
BUD
Maybe if I wore it a little more to
the side --
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT'D)
(adjusting hat)
is that better?
FRAN
Much better.
BUD
Well, as long as you wouldn't be
ashamed to be seen with me -- how
about the three of us going out
this evening -- you and me and the
bowler -- stroll down Fifth Avenue -
- sort of break it in --
FRAN
This is a bad day for me.
BUD
I understand. Christmas -- family
and all that --
FRAN
I'd better get back to my elevator.
I don't want to be fired.
BUD
Oh, you don't have to worry about
that. I have quite a bit of
influence in Personnel. You know
Mr. Sheldrake?
FRAN
(guardedly)
Why?
BUD
He and I are like this.
(crosses his fingers)
Sent me a Christmas card. See?
He has picked up a Christmas card from his desk, shows it to
Fran. It is a photograph of the Sheldrake clan grouped around
an elaborate Christmas tree -- Mr. and Mrs. Sheldrake, the
two boys in military school uniforms, and a big French
poodle.
Underneath it says: SEASON'S GREETINGS from the SHELDRAKES
Emily, Jeff, Tommy, Jeff Jr., and Figaro.
FRAN
(studying the card
ruefully)
Makes a cute picture.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
BUD
I thought maybe I could put in a
word for you with Mr. Sheldrake --
get you a little promotion -- how
would you like to be an elevator
starter?
FRAN
I'm afraid there are too many other
girls around here with seniority
over me.
BUD
No problem. Why don't we discuss it
sometime over the holidays -- I
could call you and pick you up and
we'll have the big unveiling --
(touching the brim of his
bowler)
-- you sure this is the right way
to wear it?
FRAN
I think so.
BUD
You don't think it's tilted a
little too much --
Fran takes her compact out of her uniform pocket, opens it,
hands it to Bud.
FRAN
Here.
BUD
(examining himself in the
mirror)
After all, this is a conservative
firm -- I don't want people to
think I'm an entertainer --
His voice trails off. There is something familiar about the
cracked mirror of the compact -- and the fleur-de-lis pattern
on the case confirms his suspicion. Fran notices the peculiar
expression on his face.
FRAN
What is it?
BUD
(with difficulty)
The mirror -- it's broken.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN
I know. I like it this way -- makes
me look the way I feel.
The phone has started to ring. Bud doesn't hear it. He closes
the compact, hands it to Fran.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Your phone.
BUD
Oh.
(picks up phone from desk)
Yes?
(throws a quick look at
Fran)
Just a minute.
(covers mouthpiece; to
Fran)
If you don't mind -- this is sort
of personal
FRAN
All right. Have a nice Christmas.
She exits, closing the door. Bud takes his hand off the
mouthpiece.
BUD
(every word hurts)
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake -- no, I didn't
forget -- the tree is up and the
Tom and Jerry mix is in the
refrigerator -- yes, sir -- same to
you.
He hangs up, stands there for a moment, the bowler still on
his head, the noise from the party washing over him. He
slowly crosses to the clothes-tree. picks up his coat -- a
new, black chesterfield. With the coat over his arm, he
starts out of the office.
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
The party has picked up tempo. On top of the desks, Sylvia is
doing a mock strip tease -- without taking any clothes off.
There is hollering, drinking and clapping all around her. Bud
moves past the floor show, paying no attention. Kirkeby spots
him, detaches himself from the cheering section around
Sylvia.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
Where you going, Buddy-boy? The
party's just starting.
(catching up with him)
Listen, kid -- give me a break,
will you -- how about tomorrow
afternoon? I can't take her to that
drive-in again -- the car doesn't
even have a heater four o'clock --
okay?
Bud ignores him, continues walking through the ranks of empty
desks.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Bud tries to impress Fran with a new bowler hat and his connections at work, but she remains distant and preoccupied with her own troubles. As Bud seeks her validation and suggests a date, Fran declines, hinting at personal issues related to Christmas. The mood shifts when Bud realizes Fran's compact mirror holds significance, leading to his emotional distress. After a phone call with Sheldrake, Bud exits the office feeling hurt, ignoring a lively Christmas party and his colleague Kirkeby, setting the stage for unresolved tensions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Symbolic elements
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Relatively low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, romance, and comedy to create a bittersweet and reflective atmosphere. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, with a mix of melancholy and hopefulness.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of using symbolic elements like the hat and mirror to explore identity and emotions is well-executed. The scene delves into themes of self-perception, relationships, and personal growth.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character interactions and emotional revelations rather than external events. It moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on office dynamics and personal relationships, offering a nuanced exploration of identity, acceptance, and ambition. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene, revealing layers of vulnerability and resilience.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perceptions and interactions, particularly in revealing their vulnerabilities and emotional depths.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to seek approval and validation from Fran. His desire for acceptance and connection is evident in his attempts to impress her with the hat and his eagerness to spend time with her.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to navigate the office dynamics and potentially secure a promotion for Fran. His actions reflect his willingness to use his influence to help her advance in the company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with identity, relationships, and personal choices.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with interpersonal conflicts and internal struggles adding depth to the character interactions. The uncertainty of outcomes keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily emotional and personal, involving the characters' sense of self-worth, relationships, and future prospects.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships and revealing inner conflicts. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters, unexpected revelations, and the underlying tension between appearances and authenticity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around appearances versus authenticity. Bud's concern about how he is perceived by others clashes with Fran's more genuine and accepting attitude.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, longing, and introspection. The characters' vulnerabilities resonate with the audience, creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is poignant and engaging, capturing the emotional nuances of the characters. It conveys subtext and depth, adding richness to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding interactions and conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of introspection and humor to unfold naturally within the office setting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear character motivations and interactions. It effectively sets up conflicts and resolutions within the office environment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively highlights Bud's vulnerability and desire for connection through his awkward attempts to impress Fran with the bowler hat, which serves as a symbol of his recent promotion and social aspirations. However, this character moment feels somewhat isolated and could be better integrated with the overarching themes of loneliness and moral compromise in the screenplay. Fran's distracted responses make her seem passive, which might undermine her agency as a character, especially given her central role in the story's emotional conflicts. This passivity could alienate readers or viewers who expect more dynamic interaction, particularly after the buildup of her relationship with Sheldrake in previous scenes.
  • The dialogue in this scene is exposition-heavy, with Bud's lines about his influence and the Christmas card coming across as overly explanatory and less natural. While it reveals Bud's insecurities and attempts to boast, it risks feeling forced, as it tells the audience about his character traits rather than showing them through actions or subtext. This can disrupt the flow and make the scene less engaging, especially in a visual medium like film where subtlety often enhances emotional depth. Additionally, Fran's guarded responses and the compact revelation are pivotal, but the dialogue around them lacks the poetic or ironic edge seen in earlier scenes, potentially diminishing the scene's impact.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene starts light-heartedly with the hat reveal but quickly shifts to heavier emotional territory with the compact recognition and Sheldrake's phone call. This transition is abrupt and could benefit from more gradual buildup to maintain tension and allow the audience to process Bud's realization. The comedic elements, like Bud adjusting the hat, contrast with the dramatic undertones, but the shift might feel jarring without smoother visual or auditory cues, such as lingering shots or sound design to underscore Bud's internal conflict. Overall, the scene's length and focus on dialogue might slow the momentum in a screenplay that already has many similar interpersonal exchanges.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on dialogue and static interactions, which could be more cinematic with additional descriptive elements. For instance, the moment Bud recognizes the compact's pattern could be amplified with close-ups on his face or the object itself to heighten the dramatic irony, making the revelation more visceral for the audience. The setting in Bud's office is underutilized; elements like the Christmas card or the hatbox could be incorporated into more dynamic blocking to reflect the characters' emotions, such as Bud pacing or Fran avoiding eye contact, which would enhance the scene's emotional resonance and fit better with the film's blend of humor and drama.
  • In terms of story integration, this scene is crucial for advancing Bud's character arc, as it marks a turning point where he begins to confront the ethical implications of his actions and his feelings for Fran. However, the connection to the larger narrative—such as the affair's consequences and Bud's isolation—is not fully exploited here. The abrupt end with Bud leaving the office and ignoring the party feels like a missed opportunity to show his emotional withdrawal more explicitly, perhaps through interactions with other characters or symbolic actions. This could strengthen the theme of alienation that runs through the script, making Bud's journey more compelling and relatable to the audience.
Suggestions
  • Refine Bud's dialogue to be more subtextual and less direct; for example, instead of explicitly stating his influence with Sheldrake, have him casually reference it through actions, like glancing at the Christmas card while speaking, to show his insecurity without telling.
  • Add more visual storytelling elements to build tension, such as using close-up shots on the compact's cracked mirror during the revelation to emphasize Bud's shock and create a stronger emotional beat, making the scene more engaging and cinematic.
  • Enhance Fran's character agency by giving her more proactive lines or actions that reveal her inner turmoil, such as her fidgeting with the compact or making a sarcastic remark about the Sheldrake family photo, to make her responses feel less passive and more integral to the scene's conflict.
  • Adjust the pacing by shortening some of the hat-related banter and extending the moment after the phone call, perhaps with a pause or a visual of Bud staring at the bowler hat in the mirror, to allow the audience to absorb the emotional shift and improve the scene's rhythm.
  • Integrate the scene more seamlessly with the previous and next scenes by adding subtle callbacks, like referencing Fran's earlier date or the party noise bleeding in, to reinforce continuity and heighten the contrast between Bud's personal isolation and the festive office environment.



Scene 31 -  Lonely Spirits on Christmas Eve
INT. CHEAP BAR - COLUMBUS AVENUE IN THE SIXTIES - EVENING
It is six o'clock, and the joint is crowded with customers
having one for the road before joining their families for
Christmas Eve. There are men with gaily wrapped packages,
small trussed-up Christmas trees, a plucked turkey in a
plastic bag.
Written across the mirror behind the bar, in glittering white
letters, is HAPPY HOLIDAYS. Everybody is in high spirits,
laughing it up and toasting each other. Everybody except Bud
Baxter.
He is standing at the bar in his chesterfield and bowler,
slightly isolated, brooding over an almost empty martini
glass. The bartender comes up, sets down a fresh martini with
an olive on a toothpick, takes his payment from a pile of
bills and coins lying in front of Bud.
Bud fishes out the olive, adds it to half a dozen other
impaled olives neatly arranged in fan shape on the counter.
He is obviously trying to complete the circle. A short,
rotund man dressed as Santa Claus hurries in from the street,
and comes up to the bar beside Bud.
SANTA CLAUS
(to bartender)
Hey, Charlie -- give me a shot of
bourbon -- and step on it -- my
sleigh is double parked.
He laughs uproariously at his own joke, nudges Bud with his
elbow. Bud stares at him coldly, turns back to his martini.
The laughter dies in Santa Claus' throat. He gets his short
of bourbon, moves down the bar to find more convivial
company.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Standing near the end of the curved bar is a girl in her
middle twenties wearing a ratty fur coat. Her name is MARGIE
MacDOUGALL, she is drinking a Rum Collins through a straw,
and she too is alone. From a distance, she is studying Bud
with interest.
On the bar in front of her is a container of straws in paper
wrappers. She takes one of them out, tears off the end of the
paper, blows through the straw -- sending the wrapper
floating toward Bud.
The paper wrapper passes right in front of Bud's nose. He
doesn't notice it. Margie, undaunted, lets go with another
missile. This time the wrapper lands on the brim of Bud's
bowler. No reaction. Another wrapper comes floating in, hits
Bud's cheek.
He never takes his eye off his martini. Margie leaves her
place, and carrying her handbag and her empty glass, comes up
alongside Bud. Without a word, she reaches up and removes the
wrapper from Bud's bowler.
MARGIE
You buy me a drink, I'll buy you
some music.
(sets the glass down)
Rum Collins.
Not waiting for an answer, she heads for the juke box. Bud
looks after her noncommittally, then turns to the bartender.
BUD
Rum Collins.
(indicating martini glass)
And another one of these little
mothers.
At the juke box, Margie has dropped a coin in and made her
selection. The music starts -- ADESTE FIDELIS. She rejoins
Bud at the bar just as the bartender is putting down their
drinks in front of them. Bud removes the new olive, adds it
to the pattern on the counter in front of him. They both
drink, staring straight ahead. For quite a while, there is
complete silence between them.
MARGIE
(out of nowhere)
You like Castro?
(a blank look from Bud)
I mean -- how do you feel about
Castro?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
BUD
What is Castro?
MARGIE
You know, that big-shot down in
Cuba with the crazy beard.
BUD
What about him?
MARGIE
Because as far as I'm concerned,
he's a no good fink. Two weeks ago
I wrote him a letter -- never even
answered me.
BUD
That so.
MARGIE
All I wanted him to do was let
Mickey out for Christmas.
BUD
Who is Mickey?
MARGIE
My husband. He's in Havana -- in
jail.
BUD
Oh. Mixed up in that revolution?
MARGIE
Mickey? He wouldn't do nothing like
that. He's a jockey. They caught
him doping a horse.
BUD
Well, you can't win 'em all.
They sit there silently for a moment, contemplating the
injustices of the world.
MARGIE
(to herself)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house Not a
creature was stirring -- Nothing --
No action -- Dullsville!
(drinks; to Bud)
You married?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
BUD
No.
MARGIE
Family?
BUD
No.
MARGIE
A night like this, it sort of
spooks you to walk into an empty
apartment.
BUD
I said I had no family -- I didn't
say I had an empty apartment. They
both drink.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a crowded bar on Christmas Eve in the 1960s, Bud Baxter sits alone, brooding over his drink while festive patrons celebrate around him. Despite attempts from a Santa Claus to engage him and Margie MacDougall's persistent efforts to connect, Bud remains emotionally distant. Their brief conversation reveals their shared loneliness, contrasting sharply with the holiday cheer surrounding them, as they ultimately sit in silence, contemplating their isolation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a poignant mood and introspective atmosphere, showcasing Bud's emotional state and setting a somber tone amidst the holiday cheer. The dialogue and interactions reveal layers of complexity and inner turmoil, adding depth to the character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring loneliness and introspection during a typically joyous holiday setting is compelling and adds depth to the character development. The scene effectively contrasts external merriment with internal struggles.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character exploration than plot progression, it serves as a crucial moment in Bud's emotional journey, highlighting his loneliness and inner conflicts during a significant holiday event.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on loneliness and connection during the holiday season. The characters' authenticity and the blend of humor and sadness add originality to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Bud and Margie, are well-developed and showcase depth and complexity in their interactions. Bud's introspective nature and Margie's candidness create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Bud undergoes a subtle emotional shift as he interacts with Margie and reflects on his own loneliness, adding depth to his character and setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud Baxter's internal goal is to find connection and escape his loneliness. His brooding demeanor and isolated position at the bar suggest a deeper need for companionship and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud Baxter's external goal is to cope with his solitude during Christmas Eve. His immediate challenge is to navigate social interactions and find solace in the company of others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Bud's inner struggles and sense of isolation rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is subtle yet impactful, with Bud's internal struggles and Margie's attempts to connect creating a sense of tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering about the characters' next moves.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on Bud's personal struggles and sense of isolation rather than high external stakes.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of Bud's character and emotional state, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected connections and revelations between the characters. The shifting dynamics keep the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of loneliness and connection. Margie's openness contrasts with Bud's reserved nature, highlighting different perspectives on relationships and human connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, capturing the loneliness and melancholy of the holiday season through Bud's introspective journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional nuances of the characters, adding depth to their interactions and revealing insights into their personalities and struggles.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes, nuanced character interactions, and the gradual unfolding of emotions. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and desires.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by allowing moments of silence and contemplation to resonate. The rhythm builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The visual elements are well-presented.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format, introducing characters, establishing conflicts, and building tension effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Bud's emotional isolation amidst a festive Christmas Eve crowd, using visual contrasts like the glittering 'HAPPY HOLIDAYS' sign and Bud's meticulous olive arrangement to symbolize his obsessive-compulsive tendencies and inner turmoil. This visual motif is a strong cinematic choice that reflects his character's broader struggles with loneliness and moral compromise, making it accessible for readers to understand his state of mind without explicit dialogue. However, the olive-arranging ritual feels slightly heavy-handed and could benefit from more subtlety to avoid appearing contrived, as it might distract from the natural flow of the scene.
  • Margie MacDougall's introduction is energetic and humorous, with the straw-wrapper blowing adding a light comedic element that breaks the tension. This interaction highlights Bud's reluctance to engage, reinforcing his characterization as a withdrawn, brooding figure. For readers, it provides a clear insight into Bud's social awkwardness, but the dialogue exchange feels somewhat unnatural and expository, particularly when Margie abruptly shifts to discussing Castro and her husband's imprisonment. This rapid reveal of backstory risks feeling forced, potentially undermining the authenticity of their conversation and making Margie appear more like a device for exposition than a fully realized character.
  • The scene's pacing is slow and deliberate, mirroring Bud's introspective mood, which allows for a build-up of quiet tension. This approach helps convey the holiday's bittersweet atmosphere, contrasting the high spirits of other patrons with Bud's solitude, which is thematically consistent with the script's exploration of alienation in a corporate world. However, the lack of dynamic conflict or progression might make the scene feel static to some viewers, as it doesn't significantly advance the plot or deepen relationships beyond reinforcing existing traits. For writers, this could be an opportunity to add layers, such as internal monologue or subtle actions that hint at Bud's evolving arc.
  • Dialogue in the scene is sparse and fragmented, effectively conveying awkwardness and disconnection, which suits the characters' emotional states. Margie's lines, while humorous, occasionally veer into cliché (e.g., her Castro rant and the 'Dullsville' comment), which might reduce emotional impact and make the exchange less believable. This could confuse readers or audiences about the scene's intent, as it blends comedy with melancholy but doesn't fully commit to either, potentially diluting the scene's emotional resonance. Strengthening the dialogue's subtext could better serve the theme of fleeting human connections in a lonely urban environment.
  • Overall, the scene fits well into the script's narrative by continuing Bud's character development post-promotion, showing his persistent dissatisfaction despite professional success. The visual and auditory elements, like the jukebox playing 'ADESTE FIDELIS,' add a layer of irony and holiday nostalgia, enhancing the film's tone. However, the scene might underutilize the setting's potential for deeper symbolism or foreshadowing, such as tying Margie's story more directly to Bud's experiences with infidelity and betrayal in the office world, which could make it more integral to the plot and provide better understanding for readers of the screenplay's themes.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; for example, have Margie ease into her backstory through indirect hints or shared observations about the holiday season, allowing the conversation to flow organically and reveal character through subtext rather than direct statements.
  • Enhance the symbolic elements, like Bud's olive arrangement, by integrating them more subtly or connecting them to his professional life (e.g., referencing his desk work), to strengthen the theme of his compartmentalized existence without overwhelming the scene.
  • Add a small conflict or action to increase engagement, such as Bud almost responding to Margie's advances before withdrawing, which could heighten tension and make the scene more dynamic while maintaining its introspective tone.
  • Develop Margie's character beyond a one-scene role by giving her traits that echo other characters in the script, such as her loneliness paralleling Bud's, to make her introduction more meaningful and potentially set up future thematic echoes.
  • Consider tightening the scene's pacing by reducing repetitive actions (e.g., the multiple straw wrappers) and focusing on key moments that advance Bud's emotional state, ensuring the scene contributes more directly to the overall narrative arc and avoids feeling like filler.



Scene 32 -  Christmas Eve Despair
INT. BUD'S APARTMENT - EVENING
The living room is dark, except for a shaft of light from the
kitchen, and the glow of the colored bulbs on a small
Christmas tree in front of the phony fireplace. Hunched up in
one corner of the couch is Fran, still in her coat and
gloves, crying softly.
Pacing up and down is Sheldrake. His coat and hat are on a
chair, as are several Christmas packages. On the coffee table
are an unopened bottle of Scotch, a couple of untouched
glasses, and a bowl of melting ice.
SHELDRAKE
(stops and faces Fran)
Come on, Fran -- don't be like
that. You just going to sit there
and keep bawling?
(no answer)
You won't talk to me, you won't
tell me what's wrong --
(a new approach)
Look, I know you think I'm stalling
you. But when you've been married
to a woman for twelve years, you
don't just sit down at the
breakfast table and say "Pass the
sugar -- and I want a divorce."
It's not that easy.
(he resumes pacing; Fran
continues crying)
Anyway, this is the wrong time.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE (CONT'D)
The kids are home from school -- my
in- laws are visiting for the
holidays -- I can't bring it up
now.
(stops in front of her)
This isn't like you, Fran -- you
were always such a good sport --
such fun to be with --
FRAN
(through tears)
Yeah -- that's me. The Happy Idiot -
- a million laughs.
SHELDRAKE
Well, that's more like it. At least
you're speaking to me.
FRAN
Funny thing happened to me at the
office party today -- I ran into
your secretary -- Miss Olsen. You
know -- ring-a-ding-ding? I laughed
so much I like to died.
SHELDRAKE
Is that what's been bothering you --
Miss Olsen? That's ancient history.
FRAN
I was never very good at history.
Let me see -- there was Miss Olsen,
and then there was Miss Rossi --
no, she came before -- it was Miss
Koch who came after Miss Olsen --
SHELDRAKE
Now, Fran --
FRAN
And just think -- right now there's
some lucky girl in the building
who's going to come after me --
SHELDRAKE
Okay, okay, Fran. I deserve that.
But just ask yourself -- why does a
man run around with a lot of girls?
Because he's unhappy at home --
because he's lonely, that's why --
all that was before you, Fran --
I've stopped running.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
Fran has taken a handkerchief out of her bag and is dabbing
her eyes.
FRAN
How could I be so stupid? You'd
think I would have learned by now --
when you're in love with a married
man, you shouldn't wear mascara.
SHELDRAKE
It's Christmas Eve, Fran -- let's
not fight.
FRAN
Merry Christmas.
She hands him a flat, wrapped package.
SHELDRAKE
What is it?
He strips away the wrapping to reveal a long-playing record.
The cover reads: RICKSHAW BOY - Jimmy Lee Kiang with
Orchestra.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
Oh. Our friend from the Chinese
restaurant. Thanks, Fran. We better
keep it here.
FRAN
Yeah, we better.
SHELDRAKE
I have a present for you. I didn't
quite know what to get you --
anyway it's a little awkward for
me, shopping --
(he has taken out a money
clip, detaches a bill)
-- so here's a hundred dollars --
go out and buy yourself something.
He holds the money out, but she doesn't move. Sheldrake slips
the bill into her open bag.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
They have some nice alligator bags
at Bergdorf's --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
Fran gets up slowly and starts peeling off her gloves.
Sheldrake looks at her, then glances nervously at his wrist
watch.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
Fran, it's a quarter to seven --
and I mustn't miss the train -- if
we hadn't wasted all that time -- I
have to get home and trim the tree -
Fran has started to remove her coat.
FRAN
Okay.
(shrugs the coat back on)
I just thought as long as it was
paid for --
SHELDRAKE
(an angry step toward her)
Don't ever talk like that, Fran!
Don't make yourself out to be
cheap.
FRAN
A hundred dollars? I wouldn't call
that cheap. And you must be paying
somebody something for the use of
the apartment --
SHELDRAKE
(grabbing her arms)
Stop that, Fran.
FRAN
(quietly)
You'll miss your train, Jeff.
Sheldrake hurriedly puts on his hat and coat, gathers up his
packages.
SHELDRAKE
Coming?
FRAN
You run along -- I want to fix my
face.
SHELDRAKE
(heading for the door)
Don't forget to kill the lights.
See you Monday.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
FRAN
Sure. Monday and Thursday -- and
Monday again -- and Thursday again -
SHELDRAKE
(that stops him in the
half-open door)
It won't always be like this.
(coming back)
I love you, Fran.
Holding the packages to one side, he tries to kiss her on the
mouth.
FRAN
(turning her head)
Careful -- lipstick.
He kisses her on the cheek, hurries out of the apartment,
closing the door. Fran stands there for a while, blinking
back tears, then takes the long-playing record out of its
envelope, crosses to the phonograph.
She puts the record on, starts the machine -- the music is
JEALOUS LOVER. As it plays, Fran wanders aimlessly around the
darkened room, her body wracked by sobs. Finally she regains
control of herself, and picking up her handbag, starts
through the bedroom toward the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Fran switches on the light, puts her bag on
the sink, turns on the faucet. Scooping up some water, she
washes the smeared mascara away, then turns the faucet off,
picks up a towel.
As she is drying her face, she notices in the pull-away
shaving mirror the magnified reflection of a vial of pills on
the medicine shelf. Fran reaches out for the vial, turns it
slowly around in her hand.
The label reads: SECONAL - ONE AT BEDTIME AS NEEDED FOR
SLEEP. Fran studies the label for a second, then returns the
vial to the shelf.
She opens her handbag, takes out a lipstick. As she does so,
she sees the hundred dollar bill Sheldrake left in the bag.
Her eyes wander back to the vial on the medicine shelf.
Then very deliberately she picks up Bud's mouthwash glass,
removes the two toothbrushes from it, turns on the faucet,
starts filling the glass with water.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On Christmas Eve in Bud's apartment, Fran is found crying on the couch while Sheldrake paces nervously, trying to console her about his delayed divorce. Their conversation turns bitter as Fran sarcastically references his past affairs, and Sheldrake defensively claims he has changed. They exchange gifts awkwardly, with Fran rejecting his monetary gift before he insists she take it. Tension escalates when Fran makes a cutting remark about their arrangement, prompting Sheldrake to leave abruptly. Alone, Fran plays a record, sobs, and contemplates a vial of sleeping pills, hinting at a potential suicide attempt as the scene fades.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character complexity
  • Intense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may feel slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is emotionally charged, with deep introspection and raw vulnerability displayed by the characters. The dialogue and actions evoke a strong sense of melancholy and regret, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional turmoil.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the complexities of love, infidelity, and regret on Christmas Eve is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene delves into the emotional intricacies of human relationships with depth and sensitivity.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene revolves around the emotional confrontation between Fran and Sheldrake, revealing the underlying tensions and vulnerabilities in their relationship. The scene adds depth to the overall narrative by exploring the characters' inner conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of love and infidelity, exploring the internal struggles of the characters with authenticity and depth. The dialogue feels genuine and raw, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

Fran and Sheldrake are portrayed with complexity and depth, showcasing their internal struggles and emotional turmoil. The scene allows for character development and reveals the multidimensional nature of their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

Both Fran and Sheldrake undergo emotional transformations in this scene, confronting their past actions and facing the consequences of their choices. The interaction between the characters leads to moments of self-realization and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with her feelings for a married man and the realization of her situation. She struggles with her emotions and self-worth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain composure and handle the situation with the married man delicately, especially on Christmas Eve.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The emotional conflict between Fran and Sheldrake is palpable, as they grapple with their feelings of love, regret, and betrayal. The tension in the scene is driven by the characters' internal struggles and the unresolved issues in their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle yet impactful, creating a sense of unease and emotional conflict that adds depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as Fran and Sheldrake confront the emotional fallout of their affair and grapple with the implications of their actions. The decisions they make have significant consequences for their relationship and personal lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations, conflicts, and relationships. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative and adds layers of complexity to the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the emotional trajectory and character interactions, but the underlying tension and unresolved conflicts keep the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around love, loyalty, and self-respect. Fran grapples with her feelings for a man who is married, questioning her own worth and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection in the audience. The raw emotions displayed by the characters resonate deeply and leave a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue is poignant and laden with emotional subtext, capturing the essence of the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. The exchanges between Fran and Sheldrake are impactful and reveal the depth of their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unfolding of personal conflicts. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and emotions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing moments of reflection and intensity to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, effectively conveying the setting, character actions, and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of Fran's deteriorating relationship with Sheldrake, highlighting themes of deception, loneliness, and objectification that are central to the screenplay. However, the dialogue sometimes feels overly expository, with Fran explicitly listing Sheldrake's past affairs (e.g., 'Miss Olsen, Miss Rossi, Miss Koch'), which can come across as telling rather than showing, reducing the subtlety and emotional depth. This approach might alienate viewers who prefer nuanced interactions that reveal character through subtext and behavior.
  • Pacing in the scene is uneven; Sheldrake's repetitive excuses about his marriage and the holidays drag on, potentially diluting the tension. While the build-up to Fran's isolation is poignant, the scene could benefit from tighter editing to maintain momentum, especially since this is a pivotal moment leading to her suicide contemplation. The contrast between the festive Christmas setting and the characters' despair is well-utilized, but it could be amplified with more visual cues to underscore the irony.
  • Character development is strong in showing Fran's vulnerability and Sheldrake's self-centeredness, but Sheldrake risks becoming a one-dimensional antagonist. His lines, such as defending his affairs by claiming unhappiness, lack depth and could explore his internal conflict more, making him a more tragic figure rather than just a cad. This would add layers to the scene and make the audience's disdain more earned.
  • The visual elements are atmospheric, with the dark room, Christmas tree glow, and unopened gifts creating a sense of melancholy, but they could be integrated more dynamically into the action. For instance, the bowl of melting ice could symbolize the cooling of their relationship, but it's underutilized. Additionally, Fran's shift from crying to sarcasm is handled well, but her physical actions (e.g., removing gloves, fixing her face) could be choreographed to better convey her emotional state without relying heavily on dialogue.
  • The scene's transition to the suicide hint is dramatic and foreshadows future events, but it feels somewhat abrupt and clichéd, with Fran deliberately filling a glass of water after eyeing the pills. This moment could be more subtle and integrated into her character arc, perhaps by showing her hesitation or internal struggle through prolonged shots or symbolic gestures, to avoid melodrama and make it more impactful for the audience.
  • Overall, the scene serves the narrative by deepening the conflict in Fran and Sheldrake's affair and setting up Bud's role in the story, but it could strengthen its connection to the protagonist. Since Bud is absent, the scene feels somewhat detached from the main thread, and incorporating subtle reminders of his presence (e.g., through props like the phonograph or apartment details) would maintain continuity and reinforce the theme of interconnected lives in the corporate world.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to use more subtext; for example, instead of Fran listing the affairs outright, have her make indirect references or use body language to imply her knowledge, making the confrontation feel more organic and emotionally charged.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting redundant lines from Sheldrake's monologues and focusing on key emotional beats, such as the gift exchange, to keep the audience engaged and build tension more effectively.
  • Add visual depth by incorporating symbolic actions, like Sheldrake glancing at his watch repeatedly or Fran clutching the money bill tightly, to show their emotions without explicit dialogue, enhancing the cinematic quality.
  • Develop Sheldrake's character further by giving him a moment of genuine vulnerability, such as a brief pause or conflicted expression, to humanize him and add complexity to the power dynamics in the scene.
  • Make the suicide hint less direct by extending the sequence with Fran lingering on the medicine shelf or reflecting in the mirror, using close-ups and sound design to build suspense and avoid clichés, making it a more nuanced portrayal of despair.
  • Strengthen ties to the broader narrative by including subtle references to Bud, such as a photo or item in the apartment that reminds Fran of him, to maintain the story's focus and foreshadow his involvement in resolving the conflict.



Scene 33 -  Closing Time at the Bar
INT. CHEAP BAR - COLUMBUS AVENUE - NIGHT
The joint is deserted now except for the Santa Claus, who is
leaning against the bar, quite loaded, and Bud and Margie
MacDougall, who are dancing to a slow blues coming from the
juke box. Bud is still in his overcoat and bowler, and Margie
is wearing her fur coat. The bartender is sweeping up the
place.
BARTENDER
(to Santa Claus)
Drink up, Pop. It's closing time.
SANTA CLAUS
But it's early, Charlie.
BARTENDER
Don't you know what night this is?
SANTA CLAUS
I know, Charlie. I know. I work for
the outfit.
He polishes off his drink, walks out unsteadily. The
bartender approaches the dancers.
BARTENDER
Hey, knock it off, will you? Go
home.
Bud and Margie ignore him, continue dancing -- or rather
swaying limply cheek-to-cheek. The bartender crosses to the
juke box, pulls the plug out. The music stops, but not Bud
and Margie -- they continue dancing.
BARTENDER (CONT’D)
O-U-T -- out!
He goes to the front of the bar, starts to extinguish the
lights. Margie picks up her handbag from the bar, and Bud
downs the remains of his drink.
MARGIE
Where do we go -- my place or
yours?
BUD
(peering at his watch)
Might as well go to mine --
everybody else does.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
He leads her through the dark bar toward the entrance. The
bartender holds the door open for them as they go out.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a deserted bar on Columbus Avenue, a drunken Santa Claus is urged by the bartender to leave as the bar closes for the night. Meanwhile, Bud and Margie MacDougall dance closely to blues music, ignoring the bartender's insistence that they go home. After the bartender turns off the music and lights, Bud and Margie reluctantly decide to leave together, with Bud sarcastically suggesting they head to his place. The scene ends with them exiting the bar as the bartender holds the door open.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Character vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of isolation and emotional complexity through the interactions between Bud and Margie, setting a poignant tone that resonates with the themes of the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring solitude and brief human connection amidst a festive backdrop is compelling and adds depth to the character dynamics and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it serves as a crucial moment of introspection and emotional revelation for the characters, deepening the audience's understanding of their inner worlds.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces familiar elements of a bar setting but adds a unique twist with the presence of Santa Claus and the characters' nonchalant attitude. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into the emotional complexities of Bud and Margie, showcasing their vulnerabilities and desires, which adds layers to their characterizations and enhances the audience's engagement with their journeys.

Character Changes: 8

Both Bud and Margie experience subtle shifts in their emotional states and perspectives, leading to moments of introspection and connection that hint at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find solace or escape from their mundane lives through dancing and drinking. This reflects their deeper desire for connection, freedom, or a break from routine.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to decide where to go next after the bar closes, reflecting the immediate circumstance of their night out and potential romantic interest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the bartender acting as a minor obstacle to the characters' carefree behavior, adding tension and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and desires rather than external risks or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not propel the main plot forward significantly, it deepens the emotional arcs of the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions deviate from the expected norms, keeping the audience intrigued about their next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the carefree, rebellious nature of Bud and Margie against the societal norms represented by the bartender. This challenges the protagonists' values of spontaneity and freedom against conformity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' inner worlds and eliciting empathy for their struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, creating a sense of intimacy and authenticity in their interactions.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the humor infused in the dialogue, and the unpredictability of their actions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of dialogue, action, and pauses that enhance the atmosphere and character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of characters and actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a bar setting, with characters interacting and facing a conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures a moment of transitional melancholy for Bud, emphasizing his emotional isolation amidst a festive holiday setting, which contrasts sharply with the potential suicide attempt in the previous scene. However, the shift from Fran's dire situation to Bud's casual encounter with Margie feels abrupt and tonally inconsistent, potentially diluting the dramatic weight of the preceding events. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd note that while the bar setting visually reinforces themes of loneliness and disconnection—such as the deserted bar and Bud's brooding demeanor—the humorous elements with Santa Claus and the bartender risk undermining the seriousness of Bud's character arc, making the scene feel like filler rather than a purposeful beat in the narrative progression.
  • Character development in this scene is limited, with Margie introduced as a somewhat stereotypical 'bar pickup' figure, lacking depth or unique traits that could make her interaction with Bud more meaningful. Bud's sarcastic line about his apartment being used by 'everybody else' is a clever callback to the script's central conflict, providing continuity, but it doesn't deepen our understanding of his internal struggle or growth. From a reader's perspective, this moment highlights Bud's pattern of self-sabotage and avoidance, but it could be more impactful if the dialogue revealed more about his emotional state post-party, tying it closer to his realization about Fran and Sheldrake.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the dancing couple ignoring the unplugged juke box, create a poignant image of disconnection and denial, which is a strong cinematic choice that aligns with the film's themes. However, the scene's pacing drags slightly with repetitive actions (e.g., the bartender's repeated attempts to close), which might bore viewers or feel redundant in a script already dense with interpersonal drama. Critically, this scene serves as a setup for the discovery of Fran in the next scene, but it could be criticized for not advancing the plot efficiently, as Bud's decision to leave with Margie feels predictable and lacks the tension or surprise that could elevate it.
  • Dialogue here is sparse and functional, with Margie's proposition and Bud's response providing a quick hook, but it misses opportunities for wit or subtext that could enrich the characters. For instance, Bud's minimal responses reflect his detachment, but they don't offer new insights into his psyche beyond what's already established. As an expert, I'd suggest that while the humor with Santa Claus adds levity, it might clash with the overall tone shift from the previous scene's intensity, potentially confusing audiences about the story's emotional direction and weakening the buildup to Fran's crisis.
  • Thematically, this scene underscores the motif of Bud's alienation and his tendency to seek temporary escapes, which is consistent with the script's exploration of corporate exploitation and personal relationships. However, it feels somewhat disconnected from the main romantic arc involving Fran and Sheldrake, as Margie's character doesn't contribute significantly to the larger narrative. From a structural standpoint, this could be seen as a missed opportunity to deepen Bud's character or provide foreshadowing, making the scene feel like a narrative pause rather than a pivotal moment.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Margie's character by adding a few lines of backstory or unique dialogue that makes her more than a plot device, such as sharing a personal anecdote that parallels Bud's loneliness, to create a more empathetic connection and strengthen the scene's emotional resonance.
  • Tighten the pacing by reducing repetitive actions, like condensing the bartender's interactions into a single, more forceful interruption, to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged without losing the scene's atmospheric tension.
  • Incorporate subtle visual cues or subtext in the dialogue to better link this scene to the previous one, such as Bud glancing at a clock or mentioning the time in a way that heightens the urgency of Fran's situation, ensuring a smoother tonal transition and reinforcing the story's themes.
  • Add more depth to Bud's internal conflict through voice-over or reflective pauses, drawing on his narration style from earlier scenes, to make his sarcasm feel more earned and provide insight into his emotional state, helping to build toward his character growth.
  • Consider cutting or shortening the Santa Claus subplot if it doesn't serve a critical purpose, or reframe it to tie into the holiday theme more meaningfully, such as using it to symbolize Bud's rejection of false cheer, to avoid tonal dissonance and focus on advancing the plot.



Scene 34 -  A Flirtatious Encounter
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT
Bud and Margie come walking down the street. As they reach
the house, Bud starts up the steps, but Margie continues
along the sidewalk.
MARGIE
Poor Mickey -- when I think of him
all by himself in that jail in
Havana --
(opening her handbag)
-- want to see his picture?
BUD
(from steps)
Not particularly.
Margie, realizing her mistake, hurries back to join him.
MARGIE
He's so cute -- five-foot-two --
ninety-nine pounds...like a little
chihuahua.
They pass through the front door into the vestibule.
INT. STAIRCASE - BROWNSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT
Bud and Margie are mounting the stairs toward the apartment.
MARGIE
Can I ask you a personal question?
BUD
No.
MARGIE
You got a girl-friend?
BUD
She may be a girl -- but she's no
friend of mine.
MARGIE
Still stuck on her, huh.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Stuck on her! Obviously, you don't
know me very well.
MARGIE
I don't know you at all.
BUD
Permit me -- C.C. Baxter -- junior
executive, Arthur Murray graduate,
lover.
MARGIE
I'm Mrs. MacDougall -- Margie to
you.
Bud has taken the key out of his pocket, opened the door to
his apartment.
BUD
This way, Mrs. MacDougall.
He ushers her in.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In scene 34, Bud and Margie walk to his brownstone apartment at night. As they ascend the steps, Margie tries to discuss her friend Mickey in jail, but Bud declines to see his picture. Their conversation turns playful and flirtatious, with Margie probing about Bud's love life, leading to Bud's sarcastic self-introduction. The scene ends with Bud opening the door to his apartment, inviting Margie inside.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and introspection through the interactions between Bud and Margie, showcasing their emotional states and the underlying themes of the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring loneliness, missed connections, and personal reflections during the holiday season is well-realized in the scene. It adds depth to the characters and advances the overarching themes of the screenplay.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character development and emotional exploration rather than advancing the main storyline. It serves as a pivotal moment for Bud and Margie's interactions and internal revelations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic romantic comedy setup by focusing on the characters' emotional complexities and the interplay of humor and vulnerability. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Margie are richly portrayed, each displaying layers of emotion and complexity. Their interactions reveal vulnerabilities and provide insight into their inner worlds.

Character Changes: 8

Both Bud and Margie experience subtle shifts in their emotional states and perspectives throughout the scene. Their interactions lead to moments of introspection and self-awareness.

Internal Goal: 8

Margie's internal goal is to connect with Bud emotionally and share her feelings about Mickey, showcasing her need for empathy, understanding, and companionship.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to escort Margie to his apartment, reflecting the immediate circumstance of their interaction and his role as a host.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional rather than external. It revolves around the characters' personal struggles, regrets, and unfulfilled desires.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Bud's reluctance to engage emotionally contrasting with Margie's openness, creating a subtle conflict that adds depth to their interaction.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and desires rather than external conflicts. The outcomes have a profound impact on their emotional well-being.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between Bud and Margie, the unexpected revelations in their conversation, and the unresolved tension that keeps the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around Bud's dismissive attitude towards emotional connections versus Margie's openness and desire for emotional engagement. This challenges Bud's values of detachment and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' inner turmoil and poignant moments of connection. It leaves a lasting impact on the viewer.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue captures the emotional nuances of the characters, blending moments of sarcasm, introspection, and connection. It enhances the authenticity of the interactions and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the dynamic between Bud and Margie, and the subtle hints at deeper emotional layers within the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor through the dialogue exchanges, with a rhythmic flow that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting that aids in visualizing the interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a romantic comedy genre, with clear character introductions, conflict setup, and progression towards a resolution.


Critique
  • This scene serves as a transitional moment, effectively bridging the casual encounter in the bar to the dramatic revelation in Bud's apartment, but it feels somewhat underdeveloped in terms of emotional depth and character revelation. The dialogue, while functional in advancing the plot and establishing Bud's sarcastic demeanor, comes across as stereotypical and lacks the nuance that could make the characters more relatable and the interaction more engaging. For instance, Margie's insistence on showing Mickey's picture and discussing his imprisonment feels expository and forced, potentially undermining the authenticity of her character by reducing her to a plot device rather than a fully fleshed-out person with her own motivations.
  • The pacing is brisk, which suits a short transitional scene, but it misses an opportunity to build tension or foreshadow the impending discovery of Fran in the apartment. Bud's boastful self-introduction highlights his coping mechanism through bravado, a consistent trait from earlier scenes, but it could be more subtly integrated to avoid feeling like a caricature. Additionally, the scene's brevity limits the exploration of Bud's internal conflict—stemming from his recent emotional turmoil with Fran and Sheldrake—making his decision to bring Margie home seem abrupt and less connected to his character arc.
  • Visually, the scene uses the setting of the brownstone house and staircase effectively to create a sense of intimacy and progression toward the apartment, but it lacks descriptive elements that could enhance atmosphere, such as lighting, sounds, or physical details that reflect the characters' states of mind. The tone maintains the melancholic and sardonic edge from the previous scene, which is appropriate, but the lack of subtext in the dialogue means the audience might not fully grasp the underlying loneliness and desperation driving both characters, reducing the scene's emotional impact.
  • In terms of conflict, the interaction hints at Bud's unresolved feelings through his sarcastic response to Margie's question about a girlfriend, but this is not explored deeply enough to resonate with viewers familiar with the broader story. The scene could better utilize the walk and conversation to heighten dramatic irony, especially since the audience knows about Fran's situation from scene 32, creating a missed opportunity for suspense. Overall, while the scene accomplishes its basic goal of moving characters from one location to another, it feels mechanically plotted rather than cinematically engaging, potentially leaving readers or viewers wanting more insight into the characters' psyches.
Suggestions
  • Enhance character depth by adding subtle actions or internal monologue for Bud that reveal his conflicted emotions, such as hesitating on the stairs or glancing nervously at the apartment door, to foreshadow the discovery of Fran and make Bud's bravado feel more ironic and layered.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and thematic; for example, tie Margie's story about Mickey to broader themes of isolation and poor choices, allowing her to share this in a way that mirrors Bud's own experiences, which could create a stronger emotional connection and make their interaction less superficial.
  • Incorporate more sensory details and visual elements to build atmosphere and tension, such as describing the dim streetlights casting shadows on the brownstone or the sound of distant holiday celebrations contrasting with their somber mood, to heighten the scene's emotional stakes and prepare for the dramatic turn in the next scene.
  • Extend the scene slightly to include a moment of hesitation or subtextual conflict, like Bud's internal debate about bringing Margie home, to better integrate it with his character arc and increase suspense for the audience aware of Fran's presence, ensuring the transition feels more organic and less abrupt.



Scene 35 -  From Flirtation to Desperation
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
It is exactly the way we left it. There is no sign of Fran,
except for the gloves she dropped on the coffee table
earlier. Bud switches on the light, shuts the door.
MARGIE
(looking around)
Say, this is Snugsville.
BUD
(helping her out of her
coat)
Mrs. MacDougall, I think it is only
fair to warn you that you are now
alone with a notorious sexpot.
MARGIE
(a gleam)
No kidding.
BUD
Ask anybody around here. As a
matter of fact, when it's time for
me to go -- and I may go just like
that --
(snaps his fingers)
-- I have promised my body to the
Columbia Medical Center.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MARGIE
(shuddering deliciously)
Gee. Sort of gives you goose-bumps
just to think about it.
BUD
Well, they haven't got me yet,
baby. Dig up some ice from the
kitchen and let's not waste any
time -- preliminary-wise.
MARGIE
I'm with you, lover.
She takes the bowl of melted ice Bud has handed her,
disappears into the kitchen. As Bud starts to remove his
coat, he becomes aware of a scratching noise from the
phonograph.
He crosses to it, sees that the needle is stuck in the last
groove of a long-playing record. Bud lifts the record off,
examines it curiously, then puts it aside and substitutes the
cha cha record. As the music starts, he dances over to the
coat-rack beside the door, hangs up his chesterfield and
bowler.
He turns back into the room, still dancing, suddenly spots
Fran's gloves on the coffee table. He picks up the gloves,
looks around for some convenient place to get rid of them.
Moving over to the bedroom door, he opens it, tosses the
gloves toward the bed inside.
He shuts the door, starts to turn away, freezes in a delayed
reaction to something he saw inside. He quickly opens the
door again, looks. Sprawled across the bed, on top of the
bedspread, is Fran.
The light from the bathroom falls across her. She is fully
dressed, still in her coat, and apparently asleep. Bud steps
into the bedroom, closing the door behind him, walks over to
Fran.
BUD
All right, Miss Kubelik -- get up.
It's past checking-out time, and
the hotel management would
appreciate it if you would get the
hell out of here.
(Fran doesn't stir)
Look, Miss Kubelik, I used to like
you -- I used to like you a lot --
but it's all over between us -- so
beat it -- O-U-T -- out!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
BUD (CONT'D)
(no reaction; he puts a
hand on her shoulder,
shakes her)
Come on -- wake up!
She doesn't respond. But something falls out of her hand,
rolls across the bed. Bud picks it up, looks at it -- it is
his sleeping-pill vial, now uncapped and empty.
BUD (CONT’D)
(a hoarse whisper)
Oh, my God.
For a second he is paralyzed. Then he drops the vial, grabs
Fran, lifts her into a sitting position on the bed, shakes
her violently.
BUD (CONT’D)
Miss Kubelik! Miss Kubelik!
Fran's head droops to one side, like a rag doll's. Bud lets
go of her, rushes out.
In the living room, the phonograph is still cha cha-ing away.
Bud dashes to the phone, picks it up. Then it occurs to him
that he doesn't know whom to call and he hangs up. Out of the
kitchen comes Margie, with a bowlful of ice cubes.
MARGIE
I broke a nail trying to get the
ice-tray out. You ought to buy
yourself a new refrigerator.
Bud, not listening, runs past her to the hall door and out.
MARGIE (CONT’D)
(calling after him)
I didn't mean right now.
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT
Bud arrives at the door of the Dreyfuss apartment, starts
ringing the doorbell and pounding with his fist.
BUD
Dr. Dreyfuss! Hey, Doc!
The door opens, and Dr. Dreyfuss stands there sleepily,
pulling on his beaten bathrobe.
BUD (CONT’D)
(words tumbling over each
other)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT’D)
There's a girl in my place -- she
took some sleeping pills -- you
better come quick -- I can't wake
her up.
DR. DREYFUSS
Let me get my bag.
He disappears from the doorway.
BUD
Hurry up, Doc.
Bud turns and runs back into his apartment.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this tense scene, Bud and Margie enter Bud's apartment, where playful flirtation quickly turns to panic when Bud discovers Fran unconscious on the bed from an apparent overdose of sleeping pills. After a frantic attempt to wake her, Bud rushes to seek help from Dr. Dreyfuss, leaving Margie confused and unaware of the unfolding crisis.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering sensitive topics
  • Depiction of suicide attempt

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful due to its emotional depth, tension, and the potential life-or-death situation it presents. The stakes are raised significantly, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around a critical moment of discovery and crisis, exploring themes of desperation, redemption, and human connection in the face of adversity.

Plot: 9

The plot development in this scene is crucial, as it unveils a significant turning point in the narrative, introducing a life-threatening situation that adds depth and complexity to the characters' arcs.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar situation of confronting past relationships and dealing with unexpected events. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are portrayed with depth and authenticity, showcasing their vulnerabilities, conflicts, and emotional struggles. The scene allows for significant character development and exploration.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional shifts and realizations in this scene, particularly Bud, who is faced with a life-threatening situation that challenges his perceptions and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past feelings for Fran and come to terms with the end of their relationship. This reflects his need to move on and face the reality of the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to save Fran's life after discovering she has taken sleeping pills. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, with high stakes and a sense of urgency that drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a challenging situation that tests his resolve and forces him to confront his past. The uncertainty adds to the scene's intensity.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are exceptionally high in this scene, with a potential life-and-death situation unfolding, adding a sense of urgency and gravity to the characters' actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial plot development that alters the dynamics between the characters and sets the stage for further narrative exploration.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it shifts from light-hearted moments to a sudden crisis, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of responsibility, past relationships, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about closure and second chances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, and concern as the characters navigate a critical moment of crisis and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, fears, and tensions effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall dramatic impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of suspense, humor, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, building tension and suspense effectively as the events unfold. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected standards for its genre, making it easy to follow and visualize the unfolding events. The scene directions are clear and concise.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format with clear transitions between actions and dialogue. It maintains the expected pacing and rhythm for its genre, enhancing the overall effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through a sharp contrast between the light-hearted, flirtatious interaction between Bud and Margie and the sudden, shocking discovery of Fran's overdose, which heightens the dramatic stakes and underscores the themes of loneliness and unintended consequences in the screenplay. However, this abrupt shift might feel jarring to the audience if not paced carefully, as the comedic elements with Bud's 'notorious sexpot' persona could undermine the gravity of Fran's suicide attempt, potentially diluting the emotional impact and making the transition less believable. Additionally, Bud's character is portrayed consistently as a well-meaning but passive individual, and his panic upon discovering Fran adds depth to his arc, showing his vulnerability, but the dialogue during this moment is somewhat repetitive and could be refined to avoid redundancy, allowing for a more nuanced expression of his fear and confusion.
  • From a structural perspective, the scene serves as a pivotal turning point, escalating the conflict by revealing the fallout from Sheldrake's affair and connecting Bud's subplot of lending his apartment to the main narrative. The use of visual and auditory elements, such as the scratching phonograph and the gloves, is clever in foreshadowing the discovery and maintaining suspense, but these cues might be over-relied upon, risking predictability if similar devices are used elsewhere in the script. Margie's character, while adding a layer of irony and highlighting Bud's pattern of being taken advantage of, feels somewhat underdeveloped and could be better integrated or given more purpose to avoid her coming across as a mere plot device to facilitate the discovery. Overall, the scene captures the film's blend of humor and drama well, but it could benefit from stronger emotional grounding to ensure the audience fully empathizes with the characters' plights.
  • In terms of dialogue and action, the flirtatious banter at the beginning is engaging and fits Bud's sarcastic wit, but it contrasts starkly with the silent, intense moments of discovery, which might disrupt the flow if the tone shift isn't smoothed out. The scene's resolution, with Bud rushing to Dr. Dreyfuss, is logical given the established neighbor relationship, but it could explore Bud's internal conflict more deeply, such as his hesitation in calling for help, to make his character more relatable and the stakes feel more personal. Technically, the screenwriting format is solid, with clear action descriptions and dialogue, but ensuring that the scene's length fits within the overall pacing of the 60-scene script is crucial, as this moment could dominate if not balanced properly. Finally, the handling of sensitive topics like suicide is tasteful, but it should be approached with care to avoid glorification, emphasizing the consequences to align with the story's themes of personal growth and redemption.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the flirtatious dialogue between Bud and Margie to quicken the pace and build suspense more rapidly toward the discovery of Fran, ensuring the comedic elements don't overshadow the dramatic turn.
  • Add subtle foreshadowing in the action, such as Bud glancing at the bedroom door earlier or hearing faint noises, to make the revelation less abrupt and more suspenseful, enhancing the audience's emotional investment.
  • Refine Bud's dialogue during the discovery to be more varied and expressive, incorporating physical actions like trembling hands or a cracking voice to convey panic more dynamically and avoid repetition.
  • Develop Margie's character slightly more by giving her a brief, meaningful line that ties into the theme of loneliness, making her presence feel integral rather than incidental to the plot.
  • Consider adding a reaction shot or a moment of hesitation when Bud finds the empty pill vial to deepen the emotional impact, allowing the audience to connect with his shock and fear before he rushes out for help.



Scene 36 -  Desperate Measures
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Margie has settled herself comfortably on the couch, and is
fixing the drinks. The cha cha music is still going. Bud
comes flying in, heads for the bedroom.
MARGIE
Hey -- over here, lover.
Bud stops in his tracks, suddenly aware of her.
MARGIE (CONT’D)
What's all this running around?
You're going to wear yourself out.
Bud strides over to her purposefully, yanks her up to her
feet.
MARGIE (CONT’D)
Not so rough, honey.
BUD
(taking the glass out of
her hand)
Good night.
MARGIE
Good night?
BUD
(thrusting the fur coat at
her)
The party's over.
MARGIE
What's the matter? Did I do
something wrong?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
(easing her toward door)
It's an emergency -- see you some
other time.
Dr. Dreyfuss comes hurrying in, carrying his medical bag. He
stops, bewildered by the sound of music and the sight of a
wide-awake girl in the apartment.
BUD (CONT’D)
Not this one --
(pointing to the bedroom)
-- in there, Doc.
Dr. Dreyfuss proceeds into the bedroom.
MARGIE
Say, what's going on here, anyway?
BUD
Nothing.
(propelling her toward the
door)
Just clear out, will you?
MARGIE
(pointing back)
My shoes.
Bud reaches under the coffee table, where she left her shoes,
retrieves them.
MARGIE (CONT’D)
(bitterly)
Some lover you are. Some sexpot!
Bud shoves the shoes at her, takes a bill out of his wallet,
hands it to her.
BUD
Here -- find yourself a phone booth
and call your husband in Havana.
MARGIE
You bet I will. And when I tell him
how you treated me, he'll push your
face in.
(he shoves her through the
open door)
You fink!
Bud slams the door shut, starts toward the bedroom. Halfway
there, he becomes aware that the cha cha record is still on.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
He detours to the phonograph, switches it off, continues into
the bedroom. In the bedroom, the overhead light is on, and
Dr. Dreyfuss is working on the unconscious Fran. He has
removed her coat, and is shining a flashlight into her eyes,
examining her pupils. Bud approaches the bed worriedly.
BUD
She going to be all right, Doc?
DR. DREYFUSS
How many pills were in that bottle?
BUD
It was half-full -- about a dozen
or so. You going to have to take
her to the hospital?
Dr. Dreyfuss ignores him. Out of his medical bag, he takes a
stomach tube with a rubber funnel at the end. Then he starts
to lift Fran off the bed.
DR. DREYFUSS
Help me, will you?
Between them, they get Fran into an upright position.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Into the bathroom.
They half-carry, half-drag Fran's limp form toward the
bathroom.
BUD
What are you going to do, Doc?
DR. DREYFUSS
Get that stuff out of her stomach --
if it isn't too late. You better
put some coffee on -- and pray.
Bud starts away as Dr. Dreyfuss takes Fran into the bathroom.
Bud loses no time getting into the kitchen. He fills an
aluminum kettle with water, strikes a match, lights the gas
burner, puts the kettle on.
Then he takes a jar of instant coffee and a chipped coffee
mug out of the cupboard, shakes an excessive portion of
coffee into the mug, sticks a spoon in it. He watches the
kettle for a moment, mops his brow with a handkerchief, then
starts back toward the bedroom.
Bud crosses the bedroom to the half-open door of the
bathroom, looks in anxiously.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
From inside come the sounds of a coughing spasm and running
water. Bud turns away, undoes his tie and collar, paces the
bedroom floor.
Something on the night table attracts his attention --
resting against the base of the lamp is a sealed envelope.
Bud picks it up -- on it, in Fran's handwriting, is one word,
JEFF.
He turns the letter over in his hand, trying to decide what
to do with it. Dr. Dreyfuss emerges from the bathroom,
carrying a pale, still unconscious Fran. Bud quickly conceals
the suicide note behind his back.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Bring my bag.
He lugs Fran into the living room. Bud stashes the letter in
his back pocket, picks up the medical bag, follows them. In
the living room, Dr. Dreyfuss lowers Fran into a chair. Her
chin falls to her chest. Dreyfuss takes the bag from Bud,
fishes out a hypodermic syringe, draws 2 c.c.'s from a bottle
of picrotoxin.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Roll up her right sleeve.
Bud does so. Dr. Dreyfuss hands the hypodermic to Bud,
searches for a spot for the injection.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Nice veins.
He swabs the spot with alcohol, takes the hypodermic back
from Bud.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Want to tell me what happened?
BUD
I don't know -- I mean -- I wasn't
here -- you see -- we had some
words earlier -- nothing serious,
really -- what you might call a
lovers' quarrel --
DR. DREYFUSS
(making off-scene
injection)
So you went right out and picked
yourself up another dame.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
BUD
Something like that.
DR. DREYFUSS
You know, Baxter, you're a real
cutie-pie -- yes, you are.
Bud just stands there, taking it. Fran stirs slightly, and
from her parched lips comes a low moan. Dr. Dreyfuss grabs
her by the hair, lifts her head up.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
If you'd come home half an hour
later, you would have had quite a
Christmas present.
With his free hand, Dr. Dreyfuss slaps Fran viciously across
the face. Bud winces. Dreyfuss, still holding Fran by the
hair, takes a box of ammonia ampules out of his bag. He
crushes one of the ampules in his hand, passes it under her
nose.
Fran tries to turn her head away. Dreyfuss slaps her again,
hard, crushes another ampule, repeats the process. Bud is
watching tensely. From the kitchen comes the whistle of the
boiling kettle, but Bud pays no attention.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Get the coffee.
Bud hurries into the kitchen. He turns off the gas, pours the
boiling water into the mug with the instant coffee, stirs it.
From off, come the sounds of more slapping and some moaning.
Bud carries the coffee out.
In the living room, Dr. Dreyfuss is working another ammonia
ampule under Fran's nose. Her eyes start fluttering. Dreyfuss
takes the coffee mug from Bud, forces it between Fran's lips,
pours coffee into her mouth. Fran resists instinctively, half
the coffee dribbling over her chin and dress, but Dr.
Dreyfuss keeps at it.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Let's get some air in here. Open
the windows.
Bud complies promptly -- pulls up the shades, opens the
windows wide.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
(putting the empty mug
down)
What's her name?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
BUD
Miss Kubelik -- Fran.
DR. DREYFUSS
(to Fran, slowly)
Fran, I'm a doctor. I'm here
because you took too many sleeping
pills. Do you understand what I'm
saying?
(Fran mutters something)
Fran, I'm Dr. Dreyfuss -- I'm here
to help you. You took all those
sleeping pills -- remember?
FRAN
(mumbling groggily)
Sleeping pills.
DR. DREYFUSS
That's right, Fran. And I'm a
doctor.
FRAN
Doctor.
DR. DREYFUSS
Dr. Dreyfuss.
FRAN
Dreyfuss.
DR. DREYFUSS
(to Bud)
Get more coffee. Bud picks up the
mug, leaves.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
(to Fran)
Tell me again -- what's my name?
FRAN
Dr. Dreyfuss.
DR. DREYFUSS
And what happened to you?
FRAN
I took sleeping pills.
DR. DREYFUSS
Do you know where you are, Fran?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (6)
FRAN
(looking around blankly)
No.
DR. DREYFUSS
Yes, you do. Now concentrate.
FRAN
I don't know.
Bud is coming back with the coffee.
DR. DREYFUSS
(pointing to Bud)
Do you know who this is?
(Fran tries to focus)
Look at him.
FRAN
Mr. Baxter -- nineteenth floor.
BUD
Hello, Miss Kubelik.
DR. DREYFUSS
(to Bud)
Mister -- Miss -- such politeness!
BUD
(to Dr. Dreyfuss,
discreetly)
Well -- we work in the same
building -- and we try to keep it
quiet --
FRAN
(to Bud, puzzled)
What are you doing here?
Bud throws Dr. Dreyfuss a look, as if to say that Fran's mind
still wasn't functioning properly.
BUD
(to Fran)
Don't you remember? We were at the
office party together --
FRAN
Oh, yes -- office party -- Miss
Olsen --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (7)
BUD
That's right.
(to Dr. Dreyfuss;
improvising rapidly)
I told you we had a fight -- that's
what it was about -- Miss Olsen --
you know that other girl you saw --
FRAN
(still trying to figure
out Bud's presence)
I don't understand --
BUD
It's not important, Fran -- the
main thing is that I got here in
time -- and you're going to be all
right --
(to Dr. Dreyfuss)
-- isn't she, Doc?
FRAN
(closing her eyes)
I'm so tired --
DR. DREYFUSS
Here -- drink this.
He forces her to swallow some coffee.
FRAN
(pushing the mug away)
Please -- just let me sleep.
DR. DREYFUSS
You can't sleep.
(shaking her)
Come on, Fran -- open your eyes.
(to Bud)
Let's get her walking. We've got to
keep her awake for the next couple
of hours.
They lift her from the chair, and each draping one of her
arms over his shoulder, they start to walk her up and down
the room.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
(urging Fran on)
Now walk, Fran.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (8)
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
One, two, three, four -- one, two,
three, four -- that's the idea --
left, right, left, right -- now we
turn -- one, two, three, four --
At first, Fran's feet just drag along the floor between them.
But gradually, as Dr. Dreyfuss' voice continues droning
hypnotically, she falls into the rhythm of it, repeating the
words after him and putting her weight on her feet.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Left, right, left, right -- walk,
walk, walk -- one, two, three, four
-- turn -- left, right, left, right
-- now you got it --
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this tense scene, Bud rushes home to find Margie waiting for him, but he abruptly ends their encounter and forces her to leave as Dr. Dreyfuss arrives to treat Fran, who is unconscious from a sleeping pill overdose. Bud assists the doctor in reviving Fran, hiding a suicide note he discovers, while Dr. Dreyfuss employs various medical techniques to keep Fran conscious. The scene culminates with Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss walking Fran around the apartment, emphasizing the urgency of her situation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective pacing
  • Realistic portrayal of a crisis situation
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is intense and emotionally charged, effectively portraying the urgency and tension of the situation. The dialogue and actions drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of a suicide attempt and the race against time to save Fran's life is compelling and adds depth to the characters' relationships and motivations.

Plot: 8.7

The plot advances significantly with Fran's suicide attempt, leading to character revelations and developments. The scene adds complexity to the overall story arc.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of infidelity, betrayal, and redemption, with authentic character reactions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene reveal their vulnerabilities, strengths, and complexities. Their emotional depth adds layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially Fran and Bud, as they confront the consequences of their actions and face life-threatening circumstances.

Internal Goal: 8

Margie's internal goal is to understand why Bud is abruptly ending their encounter and to seek validation for her worth and actions.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to handle the emergency situation with Fran and assist Dr. Dreyfuss in saving her life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflict in the scene is intense and multifaceted, involving internal struggles, relationship dynamics, and the race against time to save Fran.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bud facing challenges both in his personal relationships and the medical emergency, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with Fran's life hanging in the balance and the characters facing the repercussions of their choices.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a critical event that impacts the characters' relationships and future decisions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and outcomes, keeping the audience on edge about the resolution of the emergency situation and the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the consequences of one's actions and the moral responsibility towards others. Bud's choices and treatment of Margie and Fran highlight conflicting values of selfishness and compassion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly due to the life-threatening situation and the characters' raw vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8.4

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It drives the scene forward and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional intensity, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a balance between dialogue-driven moments and action sequences to enhance the overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-structured format for its genre, effectively balancing dialogue, action, and character development.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the high-stakes tension of a medical emergency, transitioning seamlessly from the comedic elements of Bud's encounter with Margie to the dramatic urgency of Fran's overdose. It maintains the film's signature blend of humor and drama, with Margie's sarcastic exit providing a brief, ironic counterpoint to the life-or-death situation, which helps underscore Bud's chaotic personal life and the consequences of his actions. However, the rapid shift in tone might feel jarring to some viewers, as the flirtatious banter with Margie is abruptly cut short, potentially diluting the emotional weight of Fran's condition if not handled with careful pacing in editing.
  • Character development is strong here, particularly for Bud, who is portrayed as flustered and reactive, revealing his underlying decency and panic in a crisis. His quick decision to hide the suicide note adds a layer of intrigue and moral complexity, showing his instinct to protect Fran and possibly himself, which aligns with his earlier characterization as a people-pleaser. That said, Fran's portrayal during her revival feels somewhat passive; her mumbled responses and slow awakening could be more nuanced to convey her emotional turmoil and the depth of her despair, making her a more active participant in the scene rather than just a victim, which would enhance audience empathy.
  • Dialogue is generally naturalistic and serves to advance the plot and reveal character, such as Dr. Dreyfuss's sarcastic remarks calling Bud a 'cutie-pie' and Bud's improvised lies about the office party. This adds humor and realism, but some lines, like Bud's explanation to Fran about their supposed fight, come across as overly expository and could confuse viewers if not clarified visually. Additionally, Margie's bitter outburst before being ejected feels authentic to her character but might benefit from more buildup to make her exit more impactful and less abrupt, strengthening the contrast between the superficial fling and the genuine crisis.
  • Visually, the scene uses action and movement effectively, with dynamic elements like Bud rushing around, the doctor administering treatment, and the repetitive walking to keep Fran awake creating a sense of rhythm and urgency. The kitchen and bathroom settings add realism, but the description could include more sensory details—such as the sound of the whistling kettle or the stark lighting in the bathroom—to immerse the audience further and heighten the claustrophobic atmosphere. The dissolve at the end is a good transitional choice, but ensuring that the scene's visual flow doesn't feel too stagey could improve its cinematic quality.
  • Thematically, this scene reinforces the film's exploration of loneliness, moral compromise, and redemption, as Bud's negligence (allowing others to use his apartment) directly leads to this crisis, forcing him to confront the human cost of his actions. However, the resolution feels somewhat rushed, with Fran's revival happening quickly without much buildup to the danger, which might lessen the perceived stakes. Balancing the comedic and dramatic elements is crucial, and while the scene succeeds in showing Bud's growth, it could delve deeper into his internal conflict to make the emotional payoff stronger for the audience.
  • Technically, the scene's length and pacing are appropriate for the story's rhythm, but the stage directions are dense and could be streamlined for better readability in a screenplay. For instance, repetitive actions like Bud's movements between rooms might be condensed to avoid redundancy, ensuring that each beat propels the story forward without bogging down the flow. Overall, the scene is a pivotal moment that escalates the narrative tension, but refining the balance between humor, drama, and character insight could make it even more compelling and cohesive within the larger script.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the initial interaction with Margie to allow for a more humorous and character-revealing exchange, perhaps adding a line or two of dialogue that foreshadows Bud's panic, to better contrast with the ensuing drama and make the tone shift feel more organic.
  • Enhance Fran's awakening by adding more specific physical and emotional reactions, such as her eyes fluttering open with confusion or muttering fragmented thoughts about her argument with Sheldrake, to deepen her character and make the audience more invested in her recovery.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details in the stage directions, like the sound of the ammonia ampules breaking or the smell of coffee, to create a more immersive experience and emphasize the urgency without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce exposition; for example, show Bud's lie about the office party through visual cues or subtle actions rather than direct explanation, allowing the audience to infer more and making the scene feel less tell-heavy.
  • Consider extending the walking sequence at the end to build more suspense, perhaps with close-ups on Bud's worried face or Dr. Dreyfuss's stern instructions, to heighten the emotional intensity and give the scene a stronger climactic feel before dissolving.



Scene 37 -  Dawn of Reckoning
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAWN
Through the bedroom window comes the first faint light of
dawn. Fran has been put to bed by an exhausted Dr. Dreyfuss.
She is in her slip, and Dreyfuss is just drawing the blanket
over her. Her eyes are closed, and she is moaning fitfully.
Watching from the doorway is Bud, in shirtsleeves now, weary
and disheveled.
DR. DREYFUSS
She'll sleep on and off for the
next twenty-four hours. Of course,
she'll have a dandy hangover when
she wakes up --
BUD
Just as long as she's okay.
DR. DREYFUSS
(massaging his calves)
These cases are harder on the
doctor than on the patient. I ought
to charge you by the mile.
They have now moved out into the living room, where the
overhead light and the Christmas tree bulbs are still on.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
Any of that coffee left?
BUD
Sure.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
He goes into the kitchen. Dr. Dreyfuss takes a small notebook
with a fountain pen clipped to it out of his bag, sinks down
on the couch.
DR. DREYFUSS
How do you spell her last name?
BUD
(from kitchen)
Kubelik -- with two k's.
DR. DREYFUSS
What's her address?
(no answer from Bud)
Where does she live?
Bud appears from the kitchen, stirring the coffee powder in a
cup of hot water.
BUD
(apprehensive)
Why do you want to know, Doc? You
don't have to report this, do you?
DR. DREYFUSS
It's regulations.
BUD
(setting the coffee down)
She didn't mean it, Doc -- it was
an accident -- she had a little too
much to drink and -- she didn't
know what she was doing -- there
was no suicide note or anything --
believe me, Doc, I'm not thinking
about myself --
DR. DREYFUSS
(sipping the hot coffee)
Aren't you?
BUD
It's just that she's got a family --
and there's the people in the
office -- look, Doc, can't you
forget you're a doctor -- let's
just say you're here as a neighbor -
DR. DREYFUSS
(a long look at Bud)
Well, as a doctor, I guess I can't
prove it wasn't an accident.
(closes notebook)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT'D)
But as your neighbor, I'd like to
kick your keester clear around the
block.
(indicating coffee)
Mind if I cool this off?
He uncaps the bottle of Scotch, pours a large slug into his
coffee.
BUD
Help yourself.
DR. DREYFUSS
(taking a big gulp of the
spiked coffee)
I don't know what you did to that
girl in there -- and don't tell me -
- but it was bound to happen, the
way you carry on. Live now, pay
later. Diner's Club!
(another swig)
Why don't you grow up, Baxter? Be a
mensch! You know what that means?
BUD
I'm not sure.
DR. DREYFUSS
A mansch -- a human being! So you
got off easy this time -- so you
were lucky --
BUD
Yeah, wasn't I?
DR. DREYFUSS
(finishing coffee)
But you're not out of the woods
yet, Baxter -- because most of them
try it again!
(picks up bag, starts
toward door)
You know where I am if you need me.
He walks out, closing the door after him. Bud dejectedly
turns off the overhead light, kicks out the plug of the
Christmas tree lights, trudges into the bedroom. Fran is fast
asleep. Bud picks up her dress, gets a hanger, drapes the
dress over it, hangs it from the door.
An early morning chill has invaded the room, and Bud switches
an the electric blanket to keep Fran warm. Then he slumps
into a chair beside the bed, looks at Fran compassionately.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
The light on the dial of the electric blanket glows in the
grayish room. Bud just sits there, watching Fran.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary At dawn, Dr. Dreyfuss tends to Fran after her suicide attempt, while Bud anxiously pleads with him not to report it. Dr. Dreyfuss decides against an official report but reprimands Bud for his irresponsibility, warning of future risks. After Dr. Dreyfuss leaves, Bud tenderly cares for Fran, turning on her electric blanket and watching over her as the scene fades out.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Introspective dialogue
  • Exploration of moral dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Relatively slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and consequences of the characters' actions, creating a poignant and introspective atmosphere. The dialogue and interactions are impactful, drawing the audience into the characters' internal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring guilt, redemption, and moral responsibility in the aftermath of a crisis is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene delves into the characters' emotional states and ethical dilemmas with depth and nuance.

Plot: 8.4

The plot focuses on the aftermath of a critical event, emphasizing the characters' emotional responses and moral reflections. The progression of the scene adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on themes of guilt, redemption, and personal growth. The characters' authenticity and the moral ambiguity of the situation contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters exhibit vulnerability, guilt, and introspection, adding layers to their personalities. Their interactions and emotional journeys drive the scene's impact and resonate with the audience.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional shifts, grappling with guilt, responsibility, and self-realization in the aftermath of a crisis. Their experiences lead to introspection and potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal is to seek forgiveness and redemption for his role in the situation with Fran. This reflects his deeper need for self-acceptance and the fear of being judged or ostracized by others.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to ensure Fran's well-being and safety after the incident. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of a potentially harmful situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' moral dilemmas and emotional struggles rather than external action. The tension arises from the characters' introspection and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but not insurmountable, creating a sense of uncertainty and moral dilemma for the characters. The conflict adds depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high on an emotional and moral level, as the characters face the consequences of their actions and decisions. The potential for redemption and self-discovery adds depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene contributes to character development and thematic exploration rather than advancing the external plot significantly. It sets the stage for deeper emotional arcs and moral dilemmas.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and moral ambiguity between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around personal responsibility and moral accountability. Dr. Dreyfuss challenges Bud's actions and choices, highlighting the clash between living recklessly and facing consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, delving into themes of guilt, redemption, and vulnerability. The characters' struggles resonate deeply, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas effectively. It enhances the scene's depth and emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral complexity, and the dynamic between the characters. The tension and uncertainty keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is deliberate, allowing for moments of reflection and tension to build. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making the scene easy to follow and visualize. The use of scene headings and character cues is effective in guiding the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and transitions enhance the emotional impact of the interactions.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the emotional aftermath of a high-stakes event, transitioning from the frantic rescue in the previous scene to a moment of quiet reflection. It highlights Bud's growing sense of responsibility and guilt, which is crucial for his character arc, showing his shift from a passive enabler of others' misdeeds to someone facing the consequences of his actions. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository, with Dr. Dreyfuss's lecture on being a 'mensch' coming across as heavy-handed and didactic, which might alienate viewers by telling rather than showing Bud's internal conflict. This could be an opportunity to deepen the thematic exploration of loneliness and redemption, but the scene risks feeling repetitive if it echoes similar moral admonitions from earlier interactions, potentially diluting the impact.
  • Visually, the scene uses lighting and setting well to convey mood—the faint dawn light and the dimming of Christmas tree lights symbolize the end of a chaotic night and the beginning of a new, uncertain day. This creates a poignant contrast between the festive holiday elements and the grim reality of Fran's condition, enhancing the film's overall tone. However, the pacing drags slightly in the living room exchange, with Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss's conversation lingering on Bud's pleas to avoid reporting the incident. This could benefit from more concise dialogue or additional visual cues to maintain tension, as the scene's length might test audience engagement in a film already dense with emotional beats.
  • Character development is strong here, particularly in portraying Dr. Dreyfuss as a wise, no-nonsense figure who serves as a moral compass. His actions, like adding scotch to his coffee, add subtle humor and humanity, making him more relatable. For Bud, the scene underscores his vulnerability and compassion as he watches over Fran, but it could explore his internal turmoil more deeply—perhaps through facial expressions or subtle actions—rather than relying solely on dialogue. Fran's minimal presence in this scene is appropriate for her weakened state, but it limits opportunities to show her agency, which might make her feel passive in this moment of the story.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the film's central motifs of isolation and the cost of living a double life, with Bud's dejected demeanor and the empty apartment emphasizing his loneliness. However, the resolution of Dr. Dreyfuss not reporting the incident feels too convenient, potentially undermining the stakes established earlier. This could be critiqued for lacking realism in how such incidents are handled, which might disconnect viewers if not balanced with the story's comedic elements. Overall, while the scene serves as a necessary cooldown after the intensity of the overdose, it could be more impactful by integrating more conflict or foreshadowing future events to propel the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it less on-the-nose; for example, have Dr. Dreyfuss show his disapproval through actions, like a disapproving glance or a sigh, before delivering the 'mensch' line, allowing the audience to infer his frustration and making the scene feel more natural and cinematic.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding close-up shots of Bud's face or hands during key moments, such as when he turns off the lights or watches Fran, to convey his emotional state without relying heavily on dialogue, which could make the scene more engaging and immersive.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening some of the expository exchanges; for instance, condense Bud's pleas about not reporting the incident into fewer lines, and use the time saved to include a brief flashback or symbolic action that ties into Bud's past mistakes, reinforcing his character growth.
  • Deepen character moments by giving Fran a small, subtle reaction even in her semi-conscious state, like a murmur or a twitch, to hint at her inner turmoil and maintain her presence in the scene, ensuring she doesn't come across as merely a plot device.
  • Strengthen thematic integration by having Dr. Dreyfuss's exit line foreshadow potential future conflicts, such as warning Bud about ongoing risks, to create anticipation and connect this scene more seamlessly to the broader narrative arc of redemption and responsibility.



Scene 38 -  The Noisy Neighbor
INT. STAIRCASE - BROWNSTONE HOUSE - DAY
Mrs. Lieberman, followed by her dog, is climbing the stairs
to Bud's apartment, puffing asthmatically. She seems quite
angry as she arrives at the door and rings the bell. There is
no answer. She starts knocking impatiently.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
Mr. Baxter. Open up already!
Finally the door opens a crack, and Bud peers out. He looks
like a man who has slept in his clothes -- rumpled, bleary-
eyed, unshaven.
BUD
Oh -- Mrs. Lieberman.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
So who did you think it was -- Kris
Kringle? What was going on here
last night?
BUD
Last night?
MRS. LIEBERMAN
All that marching -- tramp, tramp,
tramp -- you were having army
maneuvers maybe?
BUD
I'm sorry, Mrs. Lieberman -- and
I'll never invite those people
again.
MRS. LIEBERMAN
What you get from renting to
bachelors. All night I didn't sleep
ten minutes -- and I'm sure you
woke up Dr. Dreyfuss.
BUD
Don't worry about Dr. Dreyfuss -- I
happen to know he was out on a
case.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MRS. LIEBERMAN
I'm warning you, Mr. Baxter -- this
is a respectable house, not a honky-
tonky.
(to the dog)
Come on, Oscar.
Bud watches her start down the stairs with the dog, withdraws
into the apartment.
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAY
Bud closes the door, crosses toward the bedroom, looks
inside. Fran is asleep under the electric blanket, breathing
evenly. He tries to shut the bedroom door, but it won't close
completely because Fran's dress, on a hanger. is hooked over
the top. He goes to the phone, picks it up, dials the
operator.
BUD
(his voice low)
Operator, I want White Plains, New
York -- Mr. J. D. Sheldrake --
(an added thought)
-- make it person to person.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary In a brownstone house, Mrs. Lieberman confronts Bud about the loud noises from his apartment the previous night, accusing him of disturbing her sleep. Bud, looking disheveled and apologetic, assures her it won't happen again, but she warns him about the house's respectability before leaving. Afterward, Bud quietly observes Fran asleep in the bedroom and attempts to make a phone call to Mr. J.D. Sheldrake.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Consequence-driven narrative
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character motivations need further clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil and consequences of the characters' actions, creating a tense and regretful atmosphere. However, it lacks a bit of clarity in character motivations and could benefit from more nuanced dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a reckless night and the consequences of irresponsible behavior is compelling and adds depth to the characters. It sets the stage for character growth and development.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the characters face the fallout of their actions, leading to introspection and potential growth. The conflict and stakes are heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of neighborly disputes but adds originality through the witty banter and the nuanced portrayal of conflicting values. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's freshness.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show vulnerability and complexity in this scene, grappling with their choices and facing the consequences. However, there could be more depth in character development to fully explore their motivations.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle shifts in this scene, facing the repercussions of their actions and potentially setting the stage for personal growth and change. There is room for further exploration of their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the consequences of his disruptive behavior the previous night and maintain a balance between his personal life and responsibilities as a tenant. This reflects his desire for acceptance from his neighbors and a sense of belonging in the community.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to address Mrs. Lieberman's complaints and ensure that his actions do not disrupt the peace and reputation of the building. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of managing his relationships with neighbors and upholding the standards of the residence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict is palpable in the scene, with characters facing internal and external struggles as they deal with the aftermath of their choices. The tension drives the emotional impact of the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Mrs. Lieberman presents a formidable challenge to Bud's carefree lifestyle and tests his ability to navigate conflicts within the shared living space. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interactions, adding suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters grapple with the consequences of their actions, facing potential life-altering outcomes. The emotional weight and tension raise the stakes for the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing the aftermath of the characters' choices and setting up new conflicts and dilemmas. It propels the narrative towards potential resolutions and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Bud and Mrs. Lieberman, the unexpected revelations about the previous night's events, and the unresolved tensions that leave the audience curious about future developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between personal freedom and communal responsibility. Mrs. Lieberman represents the values of respectability and order, while Bud embodies a more carefree and individualistic approach to living. This challenges Bud's beliefs about autonomy and social harmony.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, portraying the characters' turmoil and regret with authenticity. The stakes are high, and the consequences are deeply felt.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil of the characters, but at times it could be more nuanced to enhance the depth of their interactions and inner conflicts.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue exchanges, the escalating conflict between characters, and the relatable theme of neighborly tensions. The interactions between Bud and Mrs. Lieberman create intrigue and humor, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension through the gradual escalation of Mrs. Lieberman's complaints, Bud's attempts to diffuse the situation, and the revelation of Fran's presence in the apartment. The rhythm of dialogue and actions enhances the scene's emotional impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It maintains clarity and readability, enhancing the scene's flow and visual presentation.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats for character interactions and transitions between locations. It effectively establishes the setting, conflict, and character dynamics within the expected format for a character-driven screenplay.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a bridge between the high-stakes drama of the previous night and the upcoming plot developments, maintaining the theme of secrecy and consequences in Bud's life. The confrontation with Mrs. Lieberman highlights the external pressures on Bud, reinforcing the idea that his actions have ripple effects beyond his immediate circle, which helps build tension and realism in the story. However, the dialogue feels somewhat stereotypical, with Mrs. Lieberman's character coming across as a stock 'nosy neighbor' figure, which might undermine the depth of the screenplay's character-driven narrative by not exploring her motivations or adding layers to her personality, potentially making the scene feel formulaic rather than integral.
  • Bud's responses are characteristically evasive and humorous, aligning with his established persona as a man who avoids direct confrontation, but this scene misses an opportunity to delve deeper into his emotional state after the traumatic events of the overdose. His disheveled appearance is well-described, conveying his exhaustion and guilt, but the lack of internal reflection or subtle actions limits the audience's understanding of his character growth, especially since this is a pivotal moment where Bud is beginning to confront the messiness of his life. This could make the scene feel more like a plot device than a character moment, reducing its impact in a story that relies heavily on Bud's moral awakening.
  • The visual elements, such as Bud's rumpled appearance and the obstructed bedroom door, add a nice touch of realism and foreshadowing, hinting at the ongoing presence of Fran and the unresolved issues from the night before. However, the scene's pacing is somewhat rushed, with the confrontation resolving too quickly without building sufficient conflict or suspense. This abruptness might disrupt the flow of the narrative, particularly in a mid-script scene like this one, where maintaining tension is crucial to keep the audience engaged. Additionally, the transition to the phone call feels tacked on, lacking a smooth narrative link that could heighten anticipation for the call to Sheldrake.
  • Overall, while the scene advances the plot by addressing the consequences of the previous night's noise and setting up Bud's call to Sheldrake, it doesn't fully capitalize on the emotional weight of the preceding events. The tone shifts from confrontation to quiet resolution too hastily, missing a chance to explore themes of isolation and responsibility more profoundly. This could leave readers or viewers feeling that the scene is functional but not memorable, especially in a screenplay known for its sharp wit and character depth, where every scene should contribute to the larger tapestry of human relationships and moral dilemmas.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Mrs. Lieberman's character by adding subtle backstory or subtext to her dialogue, such as referencing her own past experiences with noise or loneliness, to make her more than a stereotypical figure and integrate her better into the story's themes of community and judgment.
  • Add a moment of internal conflict for Bud, perhaps through a brief pause or action (like hesitating before closing the door) to show his guilt or fear, which would deepen his character development and make the scene more emotionally resonant without extending its length significantly.
  • Improve pacing by extending the confrontation slightly with more back-and-forth dialogue or visual cues, such as Bud glancing nervously toward the bedroom, to build tension and make the resolution feel more earned, ensuring the scene flows naturally into the phone call.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the visual descriptions, like the sound of Fran's even breathing or the dim light filtering through the apartment, to immerse the audience and create a stronger atmosphere that ties into the film's noir-ish elements and Bud's disheveled state.
  • Consider rephrasing some dialogue to add wit or irony, aligning with the screenplay's comedic tone, such as having Bud make a sarcastic remark about the 'marching' to deflect humorously, which could make the scene more engaging and memorable while maintaining its dramatic undertones.



Scene 39 -  Christmas Deception
INT. LIVING ROOM - SHELDRAKE HOUSE - DAY
The decor is split-level Early American. There is a huge
Christmas tree and a jumble of presents, open gift boxes, and
discarded wrappings. Sheldrake and his two sons, TOMMY and
JEFF JR., are squatting on the floor, testing a Cape
Canaveral set the kids got for Christmas.
Sheldrake is in a brand new dressing gown, with a
manufacturer's tag still dangling from it, and the boys are
in pajamas and astronaut's helmets. As for the Cape Canaveral
set, it is a miniature layout of block-houses, launching
pads, and assorted space-missiles. Tommy has his finger on
the button controlling one of the rockets.
SHELDRAKE
(counting down)
-- let her rip!
Tommy presses the button, and a spring sends the rocket
toward the ceiling. Just then, the phone in the entrance hall
starts ringing.
JEFF JR.
I'll get it.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
He hurries to the phone.
TOMM
Hey, Dad -- why don't we put a fly
in the nose cone and see if we can
bring it back alive?
SHELDRAKE
It's a thought.
TOMMY
Maybe we should send up two flies --
and see if they'll propagate in
orbit.
SHELDRAKE
See if they'll what?
TOMMY
Propagate -- you know, multiply --
baby flies?
SHELDRAKE
Oh -- oh!
JEFF JR.
(coming back from the
phone)
It's for you, Dad. A Mr. Baxter.
SHELDRAKE
(getting up)
Baxter?
JEFF JR.
Person to person.
Sheldrake heads quickly for the phone.
TOMMY
(to Jeff Jr.)
Come on -- help me round up some
flies.
In the entrance hall, Sheldrake picks up the phone, turns his
back toward the living room, speaks in a low voice.
SHELDRAKE
Hello? -- yes -- what's on your
mind, Baxter?

BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
I hate to disturb you, but
something came up -- it's rather
important -- and I think it would
be a good idea if you could see me -
- at the apartment -- as soon as
possible.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
You're not making sense, Baxter.
What's this all about?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
I didn't want to tell you over the
phone but that certain party -- you
know who I mean -- I found her here
last night -- she had taken an
overdose of sleeping pills.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
What?
From the stairway beyond him comes:
MRS. SHELDRAKE'S VOICE
What is it, Jeff? Who's on the
phone?
Sheldrake turns from the phone. Halfway down the stairs is
Mrs. Sheldrake, in a quilted house-robe.
SHELDRAKE
(a nice recovery)
One of our employees had an
accident -- I don't know why they
bother me with these things on
Christmas Day.
(into phone)
Yes, Baxter -- just how serious is
it?
Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Mrs. Sheldrake come
down the stairs, pass behind him on the way to the living
room.

BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
Well, it was touch and go there for
a while -- but she's sleeping it
off now.
He glances through the half-open door toward the sleeping
Fran.
BUD (CONT’D)
I thought maybe you'd like to be
here when she wakes up.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
That's impossible.
(an apprehensive look
toward the living room)
You'll have to handle this
situation yourself -- as a matter
of fact, I'm counting on you --
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary On Christmas Day, Sheldrake enjoys playful moments with his sons, Tommy and Jeff Jr., as they play with a Cape Canaveral toy set. However, the festive atmosphere shifts when Sheldrake receives a phone call from Baxter, who reveals a crisis involving Sheldrake's mistress, Fran, who has overdosed. Sheldrake, caught between family and his secret life, lies to his wife about the nature of the call, claiming it's work-related, while trying to maintain his composure. The scene captures the tension between familial joy and personal turmoil.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on phone conversation for key reveal

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, filled with tension, and drives the plot forward significantly. The emotional impact is high, and the stakes are raised, making it a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing a significant event on Christmas Day adds layers to the narrative, highlighting the complexities of the characters' lives and relationships.

Plot: 9

The plot is significantly advanced in this scene, with a major revelation impacting the characters and setting the stage for future developments. The stakes are raised, and the tension is palpable.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a family holiday setting by interweaving personal crisis with festive cheer. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene are crucial in conveying the emotional weight of the situation. Their responses reveal deeper layers of their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience significant emotional shifts in this scene, particularly in response to the revelation. Their perspectives and relationships are likely to evolve as a result.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and control in the face of unexpected news, reflecting his need to appear composed and in charge despite personal turmoil.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to handle a delicate situation involving a personal crisis with discretion and control, reflecting the immediate challenge of managing a potentially scandalous event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as characters grapple with personal revelations and their implications. The tension between characters adds to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a challenging situation that tests his composure and decision-making, creating uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as a character's life hangs in the balance and relationships are tested. The outcome of the situation will have a significant impact on the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major development that will have lasting consequences for the characters. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden twist in the form of a personal crisis amidst a cheerful family gathering, adding depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's public image versus personal responsibilities, challenging his values of loyalty, duty, and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly anxiety and concern for the characters involved. The high stakes and dramatic reveal heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, driving the scene forward and revealing key information. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it blends humor, suspense, and familial dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued by the contrast between the festive setting and the unfolding crisis.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, enhancing the emotional impact of the protagonist's phone call while maintaining a balanced rhythm between dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, effectively conveying the scene's dynamics and character interactions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format, smoothly transitioning between family interactions and the protagonist's phone call, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • This scene effectively heightens the dramatic tension by contrasting the warm, familial Christmas setting in Sheldrake's home with the cold, urgent reality of Fran's overdose, underscoring the theme of moral hypocrisy and the consequences of Sheldrake's extramarital affairs. The dialogue reveals character motivations—Bud's increasing sense of responsibility and Sheldrake's evasion—helping the audience understand the escalating conflict, but it occasionally feels expository, such as when Bud explicitly states the situation, which could undermine the subtlety of the revelation.
  • The visual elements, like the Cape Canaveral toy set and the Christmas decorations, add ironic humor and visual interest, symbolizing escapism and the artificiality of Sheldrake's family life. However, the scene could benefit from more dynamic camera work or cuts to emphasize Sheldrake's anxiety and Bud's desperation, making the phone conversation more engaging and less static, which might help maintain pace in a film context.
  • Character development is strong here, with Bud showing growth by taking initiative to contact Sheldrake despite the risk, and Sheldrake's dismissive attitude reinforcing his selfishness. Yet, the inclusion of Sheldrake's sons feels somewhat peripheral; their dialogue about flies and propagation is comedic but doesn't deeply contribute to the main conflict, potentially diluting focus on the central tension between Bud and Sheldrake.
  • The tone shifts adeptly from light-hearted family banter to tense secrecy, mirroring the film's overall blend of comedy and drama. However, the transition from the previous scene (where Bud is disheveled and calling Sheldrake) could be smoother to avoid abruptness, ensuring the audience feels the continuity of Bud's panic and the ongoing stakes of Fran's condition.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by forcing Sheldrake to confront the repercussions of his actions indirectly through Bud, building toward the story's climax. It could be improved by reducing redundant dialogue and incorporating more nonverbal cues to convey emotions, allowing the audience to infer details rather than having them stated outright, which would enhance engagement and realism.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to incorporate more subtext; for example, have Bud hint at the severity of the situation without directly stating 'she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills,' to make the revelation more impactful and less on-the-nose.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding cross-cuts between Sheldrake's reactions on the phone and quick flashes of Bud in his apartment glancing at the sleeping Fran, to build suspense and show parallel actions more dynamically.
  • Integrate the sons' subplot more meaningfully by having their innocent play subtly underscore Sheldrake's guilt, perhaps through a reaction shot where he winces at their words, tying it closer to the theme of family versus infidelity.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening some of the lighter moments with the sons if they don't directly serve the tension, ensuring the scene maintains momentum and focuses on the core conflict of Sheldrake's refusal to help.
  • Consider adding a small detail in the setting or props, like Sheldrake fidgeting with a Christmas gift, to visually externalize his internal conflict and make the scene more cinematic, helping to convey his character's depth without additional dialogue.



Scene 40 -  A Christmas Morning of Care
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAY
BUD
(into phone)
Yes, sir -- I understand.
(taking Fran's letter out
of his pocket)
She left a note -- you want me to
open it and read it to you?
(a beat)
Well, it was just a suggestion --
no, you don't have to worry about
that, Mr. Sheldrake -- I kept your
name out of it so there'll be no
trouble, police-wise or newspaper-
wise --
As Bud continues talking on the phone, Fran, in the bedroom,
opens her eyes, looks around vaguely, trying to figure out
where she is. She sits up in bed, winces, holds her head in
her hands -- she has a fierce hangover.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT’D)
(into phone)
-- you see, the doctor, he's a
friend of mine -- we were very
lucky in that respect -- actually,
he thinks she's my girl -- no, he
just jumped to the conclusion --
around here, I'm known as quite a
ladies' man --
In the bedroom Fran, becoming aware of Bud's voice, crawls
out of bed and holding on to the furniture, moves unsteadily
toward the living room door.
BUD (CONT’D)
(into phone)
-- of course, we're not out of the
woods yet -- sometimes they try it
again -- yes sir, I'll do my best --
it looks like it'll be a couple of
days before she's fully recovered,
and I may have a little problem
with the landlady --
Behind him, Fran appears in the bedroom doorway, barefooted
and in her slip. She leans groggily against the door post,
trying to focus on Bud and to concentrate on what he's
saying.
BUD (CONT’D)
(into phone)
-- all right, Mr. Sheldrake, I'll
keep her in my apartment as long as
I can -- any sort of message you
want me to give her? -- well, I'll
think of something -- goodbye, Mr.
Sheldrake.
He hangs up the phone slowly.
FRAN
(weakly)
I'm sorry.
Bud turns around, sees her standing there on rubbery legs.
FRAN (CONT’D)
I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter.
BUD
Miss Kubelik --
(hurries toward her)
-- you shouldn't be out of bed.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
I didn't know -- I had no idea this
was your apartment --
BUD
(putting his arm around
her)
Let me help you.
He leads her back into the bedroom.
FRAN
I'm so ashamed. Why didn't you just
let me die?
BUD
What kind of talk is that?
(he lowers her onto the
bed)
So you got a little over- emotional
-- but you're fine now.
FRAN
(a groan)
My head -- it feels like a big wad
of chewing gum. What time is it?
BUD
Two o'clock.
FRAN
(struggling to her feet)
Where's my dress? I have to go
home.
Her knees buckle. Bud catches her.
BUD
You're in no condition to go
anywhere -- except back to bed.
FRAN
You don't want me here --
BUD
Sure I do. It's always nice to have
company for Christmas.
He tries to put her back to bed. Fran resists.
BUD (CONT’D)
Miss Kubelik, I'm stronger than you
are --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN
I just want to go brush my teeth --
BUD
Oh -- of course. I think there's a
new toothbrush somewhere.
He crosses to the bathroom, takes a plaid robe off the hook
on the back of the door, hands it to Fran.
BUD (CONT’D)
Here -- put this on.
In the bathroom, he finds an unused toothbrush in a plastic
container. His eyes fall on his safety razor. With a glance
toward the bedroom, he unscrews the razor, removes the blade,
drops it in his shirt pocket. Then he empties the blades from
the dispenser, puts those in his pocket. Now he notices a
bottle of iodine on the medicine shelf, stashes that in
another pocket, just as Fran appears in the doorway wearing
the robe.
BUD (CONT’D)
(handing her the
toothbrush)
Here. How about some breakfast?
FRAN
No -- I don't want anything.
BUD
I'll fix you some coffee.
He crosses the bedroom, heading for the kitchen, stops.
BUD (CONT’D)
Oh -- we're all out of coffee --
you had quite a lot of it last
night --
He thinks for a moment, hurries toward the hall door.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Bud speaks with Mr. Sheldrake, assuring him that he has managed the situation with Fran, who wakes up in Bud's bedroom suffering from a hangover. As Bud helps Fran, she expresses shame and regret over her actions, including a past suicide attempt. Despite her initial resistance, Bud insists she stay and rest, offering her comfort and care. He discreetly removes harmful items from his bathroom to ensure her safety. The scene concludes with Bud realizing they are out of coffee and heading out to get some.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of aftermath
  • Character vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively delves into the aftermath of a suicide attempt, showcasing the emotional turmoil and consequences faced by the characters. The dialogue and character interactions are poignant and realistic, drawing the audience into the complex emotions at play.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a suicide attempt and the emotional aftermath is well-developed. The scene delves into the complexities of human emotions and relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.7

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the aftermath of the suicide attempt and the emotional responses of the characters involved. It moves the story forward by deepening the character arcs and exploring the consequences of their actions.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a hungover character facing consequences, adding layers of emotional depth and moral dilemma. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters of Bud and Fran are portrayed with depth and nuance, showcasing their vulnerabilities and emotional struggles. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and add richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Both Bud and Fran undergo emotional changes in the scene, with Fran grappling with the aftermath of her suicide attempt and Bud showing compassion and understanding towards her. Their interactions reveal growth and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal is to maintain control of the situation and protect both Fran and his own reputation. This reflects his need for validation and fear of losing his perceived image.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to care for Fran and handle the aftermath of her situation without causing any trouble. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a hungover and vulnerable Fran.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is internal, revolving around the emotional turmoil faced by Fran after the suicide attempt. The tension lies in her struggle to come to terms with her actions and Bud's compassionate response.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene, represented by Fran's vulnerability and Bud's conflicting emotions, adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Fran's life hangs in the balance after the suicide attempt. The emotional repercussions for both Fran and Bud add intensity to the situation, heightening the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional arcs of the characters and exploring the consequences of Fran's suicide attempt. It adds layers to the narrative and sets the stage for further character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between Bud and Fran, keeping the audience unsure of how their relationship will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the contrast between Bud's facade as a ladies' man and his genuine concern for Fran's well-being. This challenges his values of self-preservation and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, reflection, and sympathy in the audience. The portrayal of Fran's vulnerability and Bud's compassion resonates deeply, eliciting strong emotional responses.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional turmoil of the characters. It conveys the inner thoughts and struggles of Bud and Fran effectively, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between Bud and Fran, the tension of the situation, and the emotional vulnerability displayed.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the overall impact of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for its genre, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format, effectively balancing dialogue and character movements to convey the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively continues the emotional fallout from Fran's suicide attempt, highlighting Bud's growing sense of responsibility and protectiveness, which is a key turning point in his character arc. This development is crucial as it shows Bud shifting from a passive, self-serving individual to someone who actively cares for others, aligning with the overall theme of personal growth and moral awakening in the script. However, the dialogue in the phone conversation with Sheldrake feels somewhat expository, as Bud explicitly reassures him about keeping his name out of trouble, which could be more subtly conveyed through subtext or visual cues to avoid telling the audience what they might already infer from context.
  • Fran's awakening and interaction with Bud add depth to her character, portraying her vulnerability and shame in a way that humanizes her and builds sympathy. This moment subtly advances the romantic tension between Bud and Fran, which is essential for the story's resolution, but it risks feeling rushed or underdeveloped if not balanced with more nuanced exchanges. The physical description of Fran's hangover—wincing, holding her head—effectively uses visual storytelling to convey her state, but the dialogue where she expresses shame might come across as overly melodramatic, potentially undermining the authenticity if it doesn't evolve naturally from her previous actions.
  • Pacing in this scene is generally solid, maintaining a tense, intimate atmosphere that contrasts with the high-energy drama of the preceding scenes. However, the transition from the phone call to Fran's appearance and their subsequent conversation could be smoother to heighten emotional impact; the current structure might feel a bit disjointed, with Bud's phone dialogue dominating the first half and Fran's entrance feeling abrupt. Additionally, the scene's length and focus on recovery might slow the overall momentum of the script at this midpoint, where maintaining tension is vital to keep the audience engaged through to the climax.
  • Visually, the scene uses the apartment setting well to reinforce themes of isolation and hidden lives, such as Bud hiding the razor blades, which is a strong symbolic action that shows his concern without needing dialogue. This is a highlight, as it demonstrates 'show, don't tell' effectively. However, more could be done to utilize the environment—perhaps incorporating details like the disheveled state of the room from the previous night to visually echo the chaos of Fran's attempt, making the scene more immersive and less reliant on verbal exposition.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the script's exploration of deception and redemption, with Bud's lies to Sheldrake mirroring his own past behaviors while hinting at his change. Yet, the resolution where Bud decides to go out for coffee feels anticlimactic and could better tie into the ongoing conflicts, such as the risk of discovery by neighbors or deepening the stakes with Fran's emotional state. Overall, while the scene is competent in advancing character relationships, it could benefit from tighter integration with the broader narrative to avoid feeling like a transitional pause.
Suggestions
  • Refine the phone dialogue to incorporate more subtext; for example, have Bud hesitate or use indirect language to convey his reassurances, making the conversation feel more natural and tense, which would draw the audience in without spelling everything out.
  • Enhance Fran's character moment by adding more physical actions that show her disorientation and shame, such as stumbling or clutching the doorframe, to make her emotional state more visceral and engaging, helping the audience connect deeper with her vulnerability.
  • Improve pacing by intercutting between Bud's phone call and Fran's awakening earlier in the scene, building parallel tension and creating a more dynamic flow that mirrors the characters' internal states and heightens the drama.
  • Expand visual elements to better utilize the setting; for instance, show close-ups of Bud hiding the razor blades and iodine with a sense of urgency, or include lingering shots of the apartment's mess to subtly remind viewers of the night's events, reinforcing themes without additional dialogue.
  • Strengthen the ending by foreshadowing future conflicts; when Bud decides to leave for coffee, hint at potential dangers, such as a glance toward the door or a neighbor's noise, to create anticipation and ensure the scene propels the story forward more effectively.



Scene 41 -  A Bitter Exchange
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - DAY
Bud comes out of his apartment, leaving the door half open,
heads for the Dreyfuss apartment. He rings the bell, peers
down over the banister to make sure Mrs. Lieberman isn't
snooping around. Mrs. Dreyfuss opens the door.
BUD
Mrs. Dreyfuss, can I borrow some
coffee -- and maybe an orange and a
couple of eggs?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MRS. DREYFUSS
(contemptuously)
Eggs he asks me for. Oranges. What
you need is a good horse-whipping.
BUD
Ma'am?
MRS. DREYFUSS
From me the doctor has no secrets.
Poor girl -- how could you do a
thing like that?
BUD
I didn't really do anything --
honest -- I mean, you take a girl
out a couple of times a week --
just for laughs -- and right away
she thinks you're serious --
marriage-wise.
MRS. DREYFUSS
Big shot! For you, I wouldn't lift
a finger -- but for her, I'll fix a
little something to eat.
She slams the door in his face, Bud starts back to his
apartment.
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary In this scene, Bud approaches Mrs. Dreyfuss to borrow some food items, but is met with her scornful accusations regarding his treatment of a girl he dated. Despite Bud's attempts to defend himself, Mrs. Dreyfuss dismisses him and refuses to help, ultimately slamming the door in his face. The confrontation leaves Bud feeling rejected and the issue unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character introspection
  • Authentic portrayal of regrets
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Less focus on external plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the aftermath of a tumultuous night, showcasing character dynamics and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the repercussions of past events through character interactions is well-realized.

Plot: 8

The plot development in this scene revolves around character relationships and introspection, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of miscommunication in relationships but adds a fresh twist through the witty banter and unique character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and vulnerabilities are portrayed with depth and authenticity, driving the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional shifts and realizations, particularly in facing the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to defend himself and explain his perspective on his interactions with the girl he took out. This reflects his need for understanding and validation, as well as his fear of being misunderstood or judged.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to borrow some coffee, an orange, and a couple of eggs from Mrs. Dreyfuss. This reflects his immediate need for basic supplies and possibly a desire to maintain a friendly relationship with his neighbor.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal dilemmas and regrets.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, particularly in Mrs. Dreyfuss's reactions and Bud's attempts to explain himself. The audience is left wondering about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and regrets.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene doesn't propel the main plot significantly, it adds depth to character arcs and emotional development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and twists in the dialogue, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Bud's casual dating perspective and Mrs. Dreyfuss's more traditional views on relationships and marriage. This challenges Bud's beliefs about dating and commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' vulnerabilities and regrets, creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting emotions and regrets, adding layers to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the tension between characters, and the humorous yet meaningful exchange that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a balance of tension-building moments and comedic beats that maintain the audience's interest and drive the scene forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the standard screenplay format for dialogue-driven scenes. It effectively conveys the character movements and interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven dialogue scene.


Critique
  • This scene serves as effective comic relief following the intense emotional weight of Fran's suicide attempt in the previous scenes, providing a momentary shift in tone that highlights Bud's ongoing struggles with the consequences of his actions. The humor arises from Mrs. Dreyfuss's exaggerated contempt and Bud's awkward defensiveness, which reinforces his character as a well-meaning but hapless individual who is constantly navigating the fallout of his poor decisions. However, the scene risks feeling somewhat formulaic, as Mrs. Dreyfuss embodies a stereotypical nosy neighbor trope, which, while functional for comedy, doesn't add significant depth or surprise to the narrative, potentially making her role feel one-dimensional and reducing the scene's overall impact.
  • The dialogue is concise and character-revealing, with Mrs. Dreyfuss's lines delivering sharp, humorous jabs that underscore the film's blend of comedy and drama. Bud's response, particularly his rambling explanation about his relationship with Fran, effectively conveys his anxiety and guilt but borders on exposition, which can pull the audience out of the moment by making the dialogue feel more like a direct address to the viewer rather than a natural conversation. This could be improved by making Bud's words more stuttered or evasive, emphasizing his discomfort through subtext rather than overt explanation, thus enhancing authenticity and emotional resonance.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene is brief and transitional, bridging the aftermath of the suicide attempt to Bud's phone call with Sheldrake, which helps maintain momentum in the story. However, the conflict—Mrs. Dreyfuss's confrontation—feels relatively low-stakes and doesn't significantly advance the plot or character development, as it reiterates Bud's moral failings without introducing new information or escalating tension. This might make the scene appear as filler, especially in a screenplay where every moment should ideally contribute to the larger narrative arc, such as by heightening Bud's paranoia about keeping Fran's situation secret or foreshadowing future complications with the neighbors.
  • Visually, the scene uses the setting of the second-floor landing effectively to convey Bud's isolation and vulnerability, with actions like peering over the banister adding a layer of paranoia that ties into his character. The description of Bud's disheveled appearance and Mrs. Dreyfuss's abrupt door-slamming provides opportunities for comedic timing through blocking and camera work, but the visual elements could be more dynamic to heighten the humor or tension, such as incorporating closer shots of facial expressions or the half-open apartment door hinting at the hidden drama inside. Overall, while the scene fits well within the film's tone, it could benefit from stronger integration with the thematic elements of secrecy and redemption that are central to Bud's journey.
  • Thematically, this scene underscores the community's role in Bud's life, showing how his actions affect those around him and adding to the film's exploration of personal responsibility. Dr. Dreyfuss's advice from the previous scene about being a 'mensch' is echoed here through Mrs. Dreyfuss's scolding, creating a sense of continuity, but it might be too repetitive if not balanced with progression in Bud's character arc. For a reader or audience, this scene helps illustrate the comedic absurdity of Bud's predicament, but it could be critiqued for not pushing Bud closer to self-realization or change, which is crucial in the story's midpoint.
Suggestions
  • Refine Bud's dialogue to be more natural and less expository; for example, have him respond with shorter, more hesitant lines that show his nervousness through action and subtext, such as fumbling with his words or avoiding eye contact, to make the interaction feel more authentic and engaging.
  • Increase the stakes or add a twist to make the conflict more meaningful; perhaps have Mrs. Dreyfuss mention overhearing something specific about Fran or threaten to involve other neighbors, which could heighten tension and tie the scene more directly to the main plot of keeping Fran's suicide attempt secret.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by incorporating more descriptive actions or camera directions in the screenplay; for instance, use a close-up on the half-open apartment door to subtly remind the audience of Fran's presence, building suspense and comedic irony without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider shortening the scene if it's intended as quick comic relief, or expand it slightly to show Bud's internal conflict more explicitly through his expressions or a brief moment of reflection after Mrs. Dreyfuss leaves, ensuring it contributes more actively to his character development and the overall narrative flow.



Scene 42 -  A Fragile Morning
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAY
Fran enters shakily from the bedroom, looks around for the
phone, locates it, picks it up. As she starts dialing, Bud
comes in from the hall.
BUD
Who are you calling, Miss Kubelik?
FRAN
My sister -- she'll want to know
what happened to me.
BUD
(alarmed)
Wait a minute -- let's talk this
over first.
(hurries up to her, takes
the receiver away)
Just what are you going to tell
her?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
FRAN
Well, I haven't figured it out,
exactly.
BUD
You better figure it out --
exactly. Suppose she asks you why
you didn't come home last night?
FRAN
I'll tell her I spent the night
with a friend.
BUD
Who?
FRAN
Someone from the office.
BUD
And where are you now?
FRAN
In his apartment.
BUD
His apartment?
FRAN
I mean -- her apartment.
BUD
What's your friend's name?
FRAN
Baxter.
BUD
What's her first name?
FRAN
Miss.
(she is impressed with her
own cleverness)
BUD
When are you coming home?
FRAN
As soon as I can walk.
BUD
Something wrong with your legs?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
No -- it's my stomach.
BUD
Your stomach?
FRAN
They had to pump it out.
BUD
(hanging up the phone)
Miss Kubelik, I don't think you
ought to call anybody -- not till
that chewing gum is out of your
head.
(leads her into bedroom)
FRAN
But they'll be worried about me --
my brother-in-law may be calling
the police --
BUD
That's why we have to be careful --
we don't want to involve anybody --
after all, Mr. Sheldrake is a
married man --
FRAN
Thanks for reminding me.
She pulls away from him, starts to get into bed.
BUD
(contritely)
I didn't mean it that way -- I was
just talking to him on the phone --
he's very concerned about you.
FRAN
He doesn't give a damn about me.
BUD
Oh, you're wrong. He told me --
FRAN
He's a liar. But that's not the
worst part of it -- the worst part
is -- I still love him.
The doorbell rings.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
BUD
Must be Mrs. Dreyfuss --
(starts into living room)
-- remember the doctor -- from last
night -- that's his wife.
He opens the hall door. Mrs. Dreyfuss brushes past him with a
tray full of food.
MRS. DREYFUSS
So where is the victim?
(Bud indicates the
bedroom)
Max the Knife!
She sweeps into the bedroom, Bud tagging along.
MRS. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
(to Fran)
Nu, little lady, how are we feeling
today?
FRAN
I don't know -- kind of dizzy.
MRS. DREYFUSS
Here. The best thing for dizzy is a
little noodle soup with chicken --
white meat -- and a glass tea. She
sets the tray down on Fran's lap.
FRAN
Thank you. I'm really not hungry.
MRS. DREYFUSS
Go ahead! Eat! Enjoy!
She hands her the soup spoon, turns to Bud.
MRS. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
You wouldn't have such a thing as a
napkin, would you?
BUD
Well, I have some paper towels --
MRS. DREYFUSS
Beatnik! Go to my kitchen -- third
drawer, under the good silver,
there is napkins.
BUD
Yes, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
He starts out with a worried backward glance toward the two.
Fran is just sitting there, the spoon in her hand, not
touching the soup.
MRS. DREYFUSS
So what are you waiting for -- a
singing commercial?
FRAN
I can't eat.
Mrs. Dreyfuss takes the spoon from her, starts to feed her.
MRS. DREYFUSS
You must eat -- and you must get
healthy -- and you must forget him.
Such a fine boy he seemed when he
first moved in here -- clean and
cut -- a regular Ivy Leaguer. Turns
out he is King Farouk. Mit the
drinking -- mit the cha cha -- mit
the no napkins. A girl like you,
for the rest of your life you want
to cry in your noodle soup? Who
needs it! You listen to me, you
find yourself a nice, substantial
man -- a widower maybe -- and
settle down -- instead of nashing
all those sleeping pills -- for
what, for whom? -- for some Good
Time Charlie?
(sees Bud approaching with
napkin)
Sssh!
BUD
(gaily)
One napkin, coming up.
(hands it to Fran)
I wish we had some champagne to
wrap it around.
MRS. DREYFUSS
(to Fran)
What did I tell you?
BUD
(uncomfortable)
Look, Mrs. Dreyfuss, you don't have
to wait around. I'll wash the
dishes and --
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
MRS. DREYFUSS
You wash 'em, you break 'em. I'll
come back for them later.
(to Fran)
If he makes trouble, give me a
yell.
She exits.
FRAN
She doesn't seem to like you very
much.
BUD
Oh, I don't mind. As a matter of
fact, I'm sort of flattered -- that
anybody should think a girl like
you -- would do a thing like this --
over a guy like me.
FRAN
(glancing at night table)
Oh. Did you find something here --
an envelope -- ?
BUD
Yes, I've got it.
(takes envelope out of
back pocket)
Don't you think we'd better destroy
it? So it won't fall into the wrong
hands -- ?
FRAN
Open it.
Bud tears open the envelope, takes out Sheldrake's hundred
dollars.
BUD
There's nothing here but a hundred
dollar bill.
FRAN
That's right. Will you see that Mr.
Sheldrake gets it?
BUD
(shrugging)
Sure.
He puts the money in his pocket.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (6)
FRAN
(holding out tray)
Here -- take this, will you?
Bud relieves her of the tray, sets it down.
BUD
You want me to move the television
set in here?
(Fran shakes her head)
You play gin rummy?
FRAN
I'm not very good at it.
BUD
I am. Let me get the cards.
FRAN
You don't have to entertain me.
Bud opens the bureau drawer, takes out a deck of cards, a
score pad, and a pencil.
BUD
Nothing I'd like better -- you know
togetherness. Guess what I did last
Christmas. Had an early dinner at
the automat, then went to the zoo,
then I came home and cleaned up
after Mr. Eichelberger -- he had a
little eggnog party here. I'm way
ahead this year.
He pulls a chair up to the bed, starts to shuffle the cards.
BUD (CONT’D)
Three across, spades double, high
deals.
(they cut)
Eight -- ten.
(he starts to deal)
FRAN
(pensively)
I think I'm going to give it all
up.
BUD
Give what up?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (7)
FRAN
Why do people have to love people,
anyway?
BUD
Yeah -- I know what you mean.
(flips over down card)
Queen.
FRAN
I don't want it.
BUD
Pick a card.
She does, and they start playing.
FRAN
What do you call it when somebody
keeps getting smashed up in
automobile accidents?
BUD
A bad insurance risk?
FRAN
(nodding)
That's me with men. I've been
jinxed from the word go -- first
time I was ever kissed was in a
cemetery.
BUD
A cemetery?
FRAN
I was fifteen -- we used to go
there to smoke. His name was George
-- he threw me over for a drum
majorette.
BUD
Gin.
He spreads his hand. Fran lays her cards down, and Bud adds
them up.
BUD (CONT’D)
Thirty-six and twenty-five --
that's sixty-one and two boxes.
(enters score on pad)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (8)
FRAN
I just have this talent for falling
in love with the wrong guy in the
wrong place at the wrong time.
BUD
(shuffling)
How many guys were there?
FRAN
(holding up four fingers)
Three. The last one was manager of
a finance company, back home in
Pittsburgh -- they found a little
shortage in his accounts, but he
asked me to wait for him -- he'll
be out in 1965.
BUD
(pushing the deck toward
her)
Cut.
FRAN
(she does, and he starts
dealing)
So I came to New York and moved in
with my sister and her husband --
he drives a cab. They sent me to
secretarial school, and I applied
for a job with Consolidated - but I
flunked the typing test --
BUD
Too slow?
FRAN
Oh. I can type up a storm, but I
can't spell. So they gave me a pair
of white gloves and stuck me in an
elevator -- that's how I met Jeff --
(her eyes mist up, and she
puts her cards down)
Oh, God, I'm so fouled up. What am
I going to do now?
BUD
You better win a hand -- you're on
a blitz.
FRAN
Was he really upset when you told
him?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (9)
BUD
Mr. Sheldrake? Oh, yes. Very.
FRAN
Maybe he does love me -- only he
doesn't have the nerve to tell his
wife.
BUD
I'm sure that's the explanation.
FRAN
You really think so?
BUD
No doubt about it.
FRAN
(a thoughtful beat, then)
Can I have that pad and the pencil?
BUD
(handing her score pad and
pencil)
What for?
FRAN
I'm going to write a letter to Mrs.
Sheldrake.
BUD
You are?
FRAN
As one woman to another -- I'm sure
she'll understand --
BUD
Miss Kubelik, I don't think that's
such a good idea.
He gently takes the pad and pencil away from her.
FRAN
Why not?
BUD
Well, for one thing, you can't
spell. And secondly -- if you did
something like that -- you'd hate
yourself.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (10)
FRAN
(fighting back tears)
I don't like myself very much
anyway.
BUD
Pick up your cards and let's go.
FRAN
Do I have to?
BUD
You bet. I got a terrific hand.
Fran, her eyes drooping sleepily, picks up her cards, makes a
discard.
BUD (CONT’D)
You sure you want to throw that
card?
FRAN
Sure.
BUD
Gin.
He removes the cards from her hand, starts to add them up.
BUD (CONT’D)
Fifty-two and twenty-five -- that's
seventy-seven -- spades is double --
a hundred and fifty-four -- and
four boxes -- you're blitzed in two
games.
He enters the score on the pad. As he starts to shuffle
again, he notices that Fran has slid down on the pillow, and
that her eyes are closed -- she is asleep. Bud rises, adjusts
the blanket over her.
He stands there looking at her for a moment, runs his hand
over his chin. Realizing he needs a shave, he crosses to the
bathroom. In the bathroom, Bud washes his face, squirts some
shaving cream into his hand, starts to apply it.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Fran shakily enters Bud's apartment, attempting to call her sister to explain her absence, but Bud intervenes to prevent her from revealing details about her night with Sheldrake. They rehearse a cover story, and Fran expresses her emotional turmoil over Sheldrake, admitting her love for him despite his deceit. Mrs. Dreyfuss arrives with food, mistakenly thinking Bud is involved with Fran, and offers her blunt advice. After she leaves, Fran and Bud discuss a $100 envelope from Sheldrake, and Bud encourages Fran to avoid impulsive actions like writing to Mrs. Sheldrake. As they play gin rummy, Fran reflects on her pattern of failed relationships, and eventually, she falls asleep while Bud tucks her in and prepares to shave.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character vulnerability
  • Intimate interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively delves into the emotional turmoil of the characters, showcasing vulnerability and introspection. The dialogue and interactions are poignant, creating a sense of empathy and connection with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring personal struggles, love, and self-acceptance is effectively portrayed through the characters' conversations and actions. The scene delves into complex emotions and relationships.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progression focuses on character development and emotional revelations, driving the narrative through introspective dialogue and interactions. The scene contributes to the overall character arcs and emotional depth of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of love, infidelity, and self-discovery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters are well-developed, showcasing vulnerability, resilience, and inner conflicts. Their interactions reveal layers of emotions and personal struggles, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional transformations and self-realizations during the scene, leading to moments of growth and introspection. Their interactions shape their perspectives and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with her feelings for a married man and her own self-worth. This reflects her deeper need for validation, love, and self-acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the aftermath of a night spent with a coworker and avoid involving her family or the police. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining her reputation and privacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on emotional struggles and personal dilemmas faced by the characters. The tension arises from their introspective conversations and moments of vulnerability.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their decisions and beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' choices.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' inner struggles, relationships, and self-discovery. The consequences of their actions and decisions impact their emotional well-being and future choices.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, revealing inner conflicts, and setting the stage for further emotional developments. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the tone for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the unexpected revelations about their relationships. The audience is kept on their toes regarding the outcomes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around societal expectations of fidelity and personal desires for love and fulfillment. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about relationships and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection. The characters' struggles and moments of vulnerability resonate with the audience, creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotional states. It drives the emotional impact of the scene and establishes meaningful connections between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, allowing for moments of tension, introspection, and humor to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of character movements and dialogue. The scene is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the characters' interactions and emotional arcs. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively deepens the emotional bond between Bud and Fran, showcasing Bud's growing protectiveness and Fran's vulnerability, which aligns with the overall arc of Bud evolving from a passive character to one who takes initiative. However, the rapid shift from Bud's alarmed intervention in the phone call to a more casual card game might feel disjointed, potentially undermining the scene's emotional weight by introducing lighter elements too soon after intense moments, which could confuse the audience about the tone and dilute the gravity of Fran's suicide attempt and her confession about Sheldrake.
  • The dialogue is sharp and revealing, particularly in the gin rummy sequence where Fran shares her relationship history, which provides backstory and humanizes her character. That said, some exchanges, like the rehearsal of the cover story, come across as overly scripted and expository, feeling more like a plot device to convey information rather than natural conversation. This can make the dialogue less believable and reduce immersion, as it prioritizes advancing the plot over authentic character interaction.
  • Mrs. Dreyfuss's entrance adds comedic relief and an external perspective on Bud's behavior, reinforcing themes of judgment and societal expectations. However, her dialogue and mannerisms border on caricature, with Yiddish-inflected English and stereotypical 'nosy neighbor' tropes, which might reinforce ethnic stereotypes and detract from the scene's realism. This could alienate viewers or make the humor feel dated, especially in a modern context, and it somewhat overshadows the more serious emotional undercurrents.
  • The scene's structure, with multiple beats including the phone call, emotional confession, visitor interruption, and card game, allows for character development and plot progression, but it risks feeling overcrowded. The transition between these elements isn't always smooth, which could lead to a loss of focus and make the scene longer than necessary, potentially testing the audience's patience in a film with many scenes. Additionally, the card game serves as a convenient device for exposition, but it might not advance the story enough on its own, feeling somewhat static compared to more dynamic sequences.
  • Visually, the scene uses simple actions like playing cards and Bud shaving to ground the characters in everyday reality, which helps build intimacy and shows rather than tells their states of mind. However, opportunities for more evocative visuals are missed; for instance, Fran's shaky movements or Bud's concerned expressions could be emphasized to heighten tension and emotion, making the scene more cinematic. The ending, with Fran falling asleep and Bud going to shave, provides a quiet resolution but might lack a strong hook to transition to the next scene, leaving the audience without a clear sense of escalating conflict.
  • In terms of thematic consistency, the scene reinforces the film's exploration of loneliness, unrequited love, and moral growth, particularly through Fran's admission of her 'jinx' with men and Bud's supportive role. Yet, Bud's character development feels somewhat rushed here; his shift to a caring figure is compelling, but it could benefit from more subtle cues earlier in the scene to make his actions feel earned rather than sudden. Overall, while the scene is pivotal for character insight, it occasionally prioritizes convenience over depth, which might make it less memorable in the context of the screenplay's broader narrative.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; for example, integrate the cover story rehearsal into a more fluid conversation by having Bud gently probe Fran's thoughts rather than directly questioning her, which could add subtext and make the exchange feel more organic and emotionally engaging.
  • Balance the tone by spacing out comedic and dramatic elements; consider shortening Mrs. Dreyfuss's appearance or making her dialogue less stereotypical to avoid undermining the scene's serious themes, perhaps by focusing on her genuine concern for Fran to add depth and humor without caricature.
  • Improve pacing by consolidating beats; for instance, combine the phone call intervention with the emotional confession to create a tighter sequence, or use the card game more sparingly to reveal backstory, ensuring each part advances the plot and character development without dragging.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding descriptive actions that convey emotion; show Fran's distress through close-ups of her trembling hands or averted gaze during vulnerable moments, and use Bud's body language, like hesitant movements, to illustrate his internal conflict, making the scene more cinematic and immersive.
  • Strengthen character arcs by adding subtle hints of Bud's growth earlier in the scene, such as a brief reflective moment before intervening in the phone call, to make his protective actions feel more earned and consistent with his evolution throughout the script.
  • Ensure a smoother transition to the next scene by ending with a stronger emotional beat or foreshadowing element; for example, have Bud glance at the hundred-dollar bill or Fran's sleeping face with a mix of resolve and sadness, hinting at future conflicts and maintaining narrative momentum.



Scene 43 -  Unexpected Guests
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - DAY
A Volkswagen draws up to the curb in front of the house.
Kirkeby gets out on the street side, Sylvia squeezes herself
out through the other door. Kirkeby raises the front hood of
the Volkswagen, reaches into the luggage compartment, takes
out a cardboard bucket with a bottle of champagne on ice.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Together, he and Sylvia start up the steps of the house,
Sylvia already cha cha-ing in anticipation.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
In the bathroom, Bud has just finished lathering his face
when the doorbell rings. He starts into the bedroom.
BUD
(muttering to himself)
All right -- all right, Mrs.
Dreyfuss.
He glances at the sleeping Fran, picks up the tray, carries
it into the living room, pulling the bedroom door closed
behind him. But it doesn't shut completely, because of Fran's
dress hooked over the top. Bud crosses to the hall door,
opens it. Outside are Kirkeby, with the champagne bucket, and
Sylvia.
KIRKEBY
Hi, Baxter.
BUD
(blocking the door)
What do you want?
KIRKEBY
What do I -- ?
(to Sylvia)
Just a minute.
He pushes his way into the apartment past Bud.
BUD
You can't come in.
KIRKEBY
(closing the door behind
him)
What's the matter with you, Buddy-
boy? I made a reservation for four
o'clock, remember?
He heads for the coffee table, sets the champagne down. Bud
shoots a quick glance toward the bedroom door, gets rid of
the tray.
BUD
Look, you can't stay here. Just
take your champagne and go.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
Baxter, I don't want to pull rank
on you -- but I told the lady it
was all set -- you want to make a
liar out of me?
BUD
Are you going to leave, Mr.
Kirkeby, or do I have to throw you
out?
As Bud spins him around, Kirkeby notices the dress on the
bedroom door.
KIRKEBY
Buddy-boy, why didn't you say so?
(indicating dress)
You got yourself a little playmate,
huh?
BUD
Now will you get out?
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this comedic and tense scene, Bud is caught off guard when Kirkeby and Sylvia arrive at his apartment, disrupting his attempt to keep Fran's presence a secret. As Bud tries to block their entry and insists they leave, Kirkeby, initially oblivious, pushes past him with a champagne bucket, reminding Bud of a prior reservation. The situation escalates when Kirkeby notices Fran's dress caught in the bedroom door, leading to a humorous realization about Bud's circumstances. Despite Kirkeby's newfound understanding, Bud remains adamant that they must leave.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the interaction between Bud and Kirkeby, setting the stage for potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the unexpected encounter adds depth to the characters and plot, introducing new conflicts and dynamics that drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses through the interaction between Bud and Kirkeby, revealing underlying tensions and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic conflict of personal space and social intrusion, adding layers of complexity through the characters' motivations and actions. The authenticity of the dialogue and character dynamics enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Kirkeby are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their conflicting personalities and motivations, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential developments and reveals more about the characters' personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control over his personal space and boundaries, reflecting his need for independence and respect. Bud's fear of being taken advantage of or losing his sense of self is evident in his interactions with Kirkeby.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to assert his authority and protect his privacy in the face of unwanted intrusion. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining boundaries and standing up for himself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Bud and Kirkeby drives the scene, adding intensity and emotional depth to the interaction.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Bud facing a challenging situation that tests his boundaries and forces him to confront Kirkeby's intrusion, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are implied through the tense interaction between Bud and Kirkeby, hinting at potential consequences and resolutions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions, setting up future events and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and the unexpected turn of events as Bud confronts Kirkeby, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between personal integrity and social expectations. Bud's desire for privacy and autonomy conflicts with Kirkeby's disregard for boundaries and sense of entitlement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through the tense interaction and underlying conflicts between the characters, engaging the audience in the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional stakes of the scene, revealing the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic conflict between the characters, the witty dialogue, and the suspenseful atmosphere created by the power struggle and unexpected intrusion.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a rhythmic flow that enhances the impact of the confrontational moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and concise descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through well-paced interactions and clear character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively heightens tension by introducing an unexpected intrusion from Kirkeby and Sylvia, which risks exposing Fran's vulnerable state after her suicide attempt. This builds on the established themes of deception and secrecy in the screenplay, showcasing Bud's growing protectiveness and moral evolution, which contrasts with his earlier passivity. It also maintains the film's blend of comedy and drama, as Kirkeby's oblivious and pushy behavior provides humorous relief while underscoring the stakes involved in hiding Fran's presence.
  • However, the dialogue feels somewhat abrupt and lacks depth in places, such as Bud's repetitive demands for Kirkeby to leave, which could be more nuanced to reflect his internal conflict and anxiety. This might make Bud's character come across as overly reactive rather than strategically defensive, potentially reducing the emotional impact for the audience.
  • Kirkeby's characterization is consistent with his earlier portrayals as self-centered and manipulative, but his light-hearted comment about Bud having a 'playmate' feels a bit too casual and could be refined to better integrate the comedic tone without diminishing the seriousness of Fran's situation. This risks undermining the dramatic weight of the scene if the humor overshadows the peril.
  • Visually, the detail of Fran's dress hooked over the bedroom door is a clever subtle element that hints at her presence without explicit revelation, adding suspense. However, this could be better exploited by showing Bud's quick glances or physical attempts to block the view, making the audience more engaged in the tension.
  • Sylvia's role is minimal and mostly consists of her cha-cha dancing, which feels like a missed opportunity to develop her character or add more layers to the interaction. As a recurring character from earlier scenes, her presence could contribute more to the conflict or humor, making the scene feel more dynamic rather than her being a passive accompaniment to Kirkeby.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a pivotal moment in escalating the external pressures on Bud, but it could benefit from tighter pacing to avoid feeling rushed. The confrontation resolves too quickly without fully exploring the potential comedic or dramatic fallout, which might leave viewers wanting more buildup or consequences to heighten the narrative tension.
  • In terms of thematic integration, the scene reinforces Bud's transformation from a people-pleaser to someone willing to stand up for others, but this could be more explicitly tied to his earlier interactions, such as with Dr. Dreyfuss, to strengthen character continuity and make his actions feel more earned.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Bud's dialogue to include more internal conflict or subtle hints of his anxiety, such as stammering or referencing past events, to make his protective instincts more relatable and less abrupt.
  • Add a brief moment of visual suspense, like Bud subtly trying to position himself to block Kirkeby's line of sight to the bedroom door, to build tension and engage the audience more effectively.
  • Give Sylvia a small but meaningful line of dialogue, such as a sarcastic comment about the 'reservation' mix-up, to flesh out her character and add humor without overshadowing the main conflict.
  • Extend the scene slightly by showing Bud's immediate reaction after Kirkeby and Sylvia leave, such as him securing the door or checking on Fran, to maintain momentum and emphasize the ongoing threat.
  • Refine the comedic elements to ensure they complement the dramatic undertones; for example, exaggerate Kirkeby's obliviousness through physical comedy, like him nearly tripping over something, to balance humor with the seriousness of Fran's condition.
  • Incorporate a quick flashback or reference to Bud's conversation with Dr. Dreyfuss in the previous scene to reinforce his character growth and make his refusal to let Kirkeby stay feel more motivated and consistent.



Scene 44 -  Secrets and Misunderstandings
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - DAY
Outside the door of Bud's apartment, Sylvia is cha cha-ing
impatiently. Up the stairs comes Dr. Dreyfuss, in his
overcoat and carrying his medical bag.
SYLVIA
(knocking on the door)
Hey, come on, what are we waiting
for? Open up, will you?
She continues cha-cha-ing. Dr. Dreyfuss has unlocked the door
to his apartment, and is watching Sylvia, appalled by the
fact that Baxter seems to be at it again. He starts inside.
DR. DREYFUSS
(calling)
Mildred -- !
He shuts the door behind him.
SYLVIA
(knocking on Baxter's
door)
What's holding things up?
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Kirkeby looks toward the door in response to Sylvia's
knocking.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
Say, why don't we have ourselves a
party -- the four of us?
BUD
No!
He forces Kirkeby toward the hall door. Kirkeby, glancing
past him through the partly-open door of the bedroom, catches
sight of Fran asleep in bed.
KIRKEBY
(grinning smugly)
Well, I don't blame you. So you hit
the jackpot, eh kid -- I mean,
Kubelik-wise?
(Bud opens the door,
gestures him out)
Don't worry. I won't say a word to
anybody.
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - DAY
Kirkeby comes backing out the door of Bud's apartment, minus
the champagne bucket.
KIRKEBY
Stay with it, Buddy-boy!
(Bud shuts the door on
him)
Come on, Sylvia.
SYLVIA
What gives?
KIRKEBY
A little mixup in signals. Let's
go.
SYLVIA
Go where?
KIRKEBY
(leading her toward
stairs)
What's your mother doing this
afternoon?
SYLVIA
She's home -- stuffing a turkey.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
Why don't we send her to a movie --
like Ben-Hur?
SYLVIA
That's fine. But what are we going
to do about grandma and Uncle
Herman and Aunt Sophie and my two
nieces --
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this comedic scene, Sylvia impatiently cha-cha dances and knocks on Bud's door, while Dr. Dreyfuss disapprovingly observes before retreating to his apartment. Inside, Bud is trying to keep his affair with Fran a secret from Kirkeby, who smugly comments on Bud's romantic success. Bud forces Kirkeby out, leading to a humorous exchange where Kirkeby suggests they visit Sylvia's mother instead, deflecting from their original plans. The scene ends with Kirkeby and Sylvia leaving together, creating a light-hearted atmosphere filled with awkwardness and innuendo.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Exploration of vulnerability and regret
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Reliance on dialogue for emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively delves into the emotional complexities of the characters, creating a tense and intimate atmosphere. The high stakes and vulnerability portrayed contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring emotional turmoil, vulnerability, and strained relationships is effectively realized in the scene, adding depth to the characters and advancing the narrative.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character dynamics and emotional revelations, driving the narrative forward through interpersonal conflicts and vulnerabilities.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on interpersonal relationships and the complexities of human behavior. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the unfolding story.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters are well-developed, showcasing vulnerability, emotional depth, and complex relationships. Their interactions drive the scene and evoke empathy from the audience.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional changes and revelations, particularly in terms of vulnerability and introspection, leading to personal growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control over the unfolding events, despite the chaos and unexpected situations happening around them. This reflects their need for stability and the fear of losing their carefully constructed image.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the escalating situations involving the other characters and prevent any potential fallout that could disrupt their life further. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal relationships and maintaining appearances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.6

The scene is characterized by internal conflicts, emotional struggles, and strained relationships, creating a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, creating a sense of uncertainty and challenge for the characters without overwhelming the narrative with insurmountable obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in personal relationships, emotional well-being, and redemption add intensity and urgency to the scene, heightening the emotional impact and narrative tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene advances the story by deepening character relationships, revealing vulnerabilities, and setting the stage for further emotional exploration and development.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character interactions and the evolving dynamics that keep the audience guessing about the outcomes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing values regarding honesty, loyalty, and self-preservation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of honesty and the lengths they are willing to go to protect themselves and their secrets.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience through its portrayal of vulnerability, regret, and emotional turmoil, creating a poignant and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8.3

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and vulnerability of the characters, adding depth to their interactions and highlighting the strained relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, intriguing character dynamics, and the sense of mystery and tension that keeps the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a good balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting standards for its genre, making it easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-established format for its genre, effectively balancing dialogue, action, and character interactions to drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the film's comedic farce by incorporating physical humor and character misunderstandings, such as Sylvia's impatient cha-cha-ing and Dr. Dreyfuss's appalled reaction, which adds to the ongoing theme of Bud's chaotic personal life intersecting with his professional entanglements. However, the humor feels somewhat repetitive compared to earlier scenes involving similar intrusions, potentially diluting its impact; the writer could explore fresher comedic elements to avoid audience fatigue in this mid-script moment.
  • Character interactions are generally consistent, with Bud's protective behavior toward Fran showcasing his growth from a passive 'schnook' to a more assertive figure, which is a positive development in his arc. That said, Kirkeby's quick shift from pushy to understanding upon seeing Fran lacks depth, making his smug comment feel contrived and underdeveloped; this could be an opportunity to delve deeper into his motivations or add a layer of irony to better reflect the corporate culture's hypocrisy established earlier in the script.
  • The dialogue serves the scene's purpose of advancing conflict and humor, but some lines, like Kirkeby's 'Kubelik-wise' reference, may confuse viewers if not clearly contextualized, as it assumes prior knowledge of Fran's identity without sufficient reminder. Additionally, the exchange between Kirkeby and Sylvia on the landing feels abrupt and underdeveloped, missing a chance to heighten tension or provide more insight into their relationship, which could make the scene more engaging and less like a perfunctory transition.
  • Visually, the scene uses effective contrasts between the landing and apartment interiors to build a sense of intrusion and secrecy, but the direction could benefit from more specific camera work or staging to emphasize the farce— for example, closer shots on Sylvia's dancing or Dr. Dreyfuss's disapproving glare could amplify the comedic timing. The ending resolution is too swift, reducing the potential for sustained tension, which might leave the audience wanting more buildup before Kirkeby backs down.
  • In terms of pacing and integration with the overall story, this scene successfully escalates the stakes around Fran's hidden presence and Bud's efforts to protect her, tying into themes of deception and personal responsibility. However, it risks feeling isolated as a comedic beat without stronger emotional undercurrents, especially given the serious undertones from previous scenes involving Fran's suicide attempt; balancing the humor with a hint of Bud's internal conflict could make the scene more resonant and less superficial.
Suggestions
  • Add more physical comedy or unexpected interruptions to heighten the farce, such as Sylvia accidentally knocking over something on the landing or Dr. Dreyfuss overhearing a key line of dialogue, to make the humor more dynamic and less reliant on familiar tropes.
  • Develop Kirkeby's character reaction by extending the confrontation inside the apartment, perhaps with a moment of hesitation or a subtle threat that Bud must defuse, to build tension and make his exit feel more earned rather than abrupt.
  • Refine dialogue for clarity and wit; for instance, rephrase 'Kubelik-wise' to something less specific or add a quick reminder of who Fran is, and enhance Sylvia and Kirkeby's exchange with humorous banter about their own plans to better integrate it with the scene's comedic tone.
  • Incorporate more visual details in the direction, such as close-ups on Fran's sleeping form or the champagne bucket, to emphasize themes of secrecy and indulgence, and consider slowing the pacing slightly to allow for better comedic timing and character beats.
  • Strengthen the emotional layer by including a brief internal thought or subtle action from Bud that hints at his growing affection for Fran, connecting the comedy to the romantic subplot and ensuring the scene contributes to character development rather than just plot progression.



Scene 45 -  A Moment of Concern
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Bud comes into the bedroom. As he heads for the bathroom,
Fran stirs slightly, opens her eyes.
FRAN
Who was that?
BUD
Just somebody delivering a bottle
of champagne. Like some?
FRAN
(shaking her head)
Would you mind opening the window?
She turns off the electric blanket as Bud crosses to the
window, pushes it up. Then a thought strikes him, and he
looks at Fran suspiciously.
BUD
Now don't go getting any ideas,
Miss Kubelik.
FRAN
I just want some fresh air.
BUD
It's only one story down -- the
best you can do is break a leg.
FRAN
So they'll shoot me -- like a
horse.
BUD
(approaching the bed)
Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to
promise me you won't do anything
foolish.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
FRAN
Who'd care?
BUD
I would.
FRAN
(sleepily)
Why can't I ever fall in love with
somebody nice like you?
BUD
(ruefully)
Yeah. Well -- that's the way it
crumbles, cookie-wise. Go to sleep.
Fran closes her eyes. Bud returns to the bathroom, picks up
his razor, starts to shave. But something seems to be wrong
with the razor -- and unscrewing it, he realizes that there
is no blade. Sheepishly, he takes out the blade he hid in his
shirt pocket, inserts it in his razor, screws it shut. Then
he resumes shaving.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Bud enters the bedroom and awakens Fran, leading to a heartfelt exchange where he expresses concern for her well-being. As Fran jokes about her despondency, Bud warns her against any thoughts of self-harm, revealing his protective nature. Their conversation touches on themes of vulnerability and unrequited affection, with Fran wistfully wishing for love. The scene concludes with Bud resuming his shaving routine after ensuring the razor blade is safely in place, highlighting the tension between care and despair.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character vulnerability
  • Intimate interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and introspection through the interactions between Bud and Fran. The dialogue and actions reveal layers of complexity and inner turmoil, creating a poignant atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring loneliness, regret, and human connection through the interactions between Bud and Fran is compelling. The scene delves into the complexities of their emotions and relationships, offering a poignant glimpse into their inner struggles.

Plot: 8.4

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional depth than plot progression, it serves as a crucial moment in Bud and Fran's relationship. It deepens the audience's understanding of their inner turmoil and sets the stage for further exploration of their dynamics.

Originality: 8.5

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of loneliness, connection, and self-awareness through its nuanced character interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

Bud and Fran are portrayed with depth and vulnerability, showcasing their inner struggles and emotional complexities. The scene allows for a deeper connection with the characters, highlighting their humanity and flaws.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in Bud and Fran's emotional states, the scene primarily focuses on deepening the audience's understanding of their characters rather than significant changes. It sets the stage for potential growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Fran from harm and ensure her well-being. This reflects Bud's deeper need for connection, care, and possibly redemption for past actions.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a facade of nonchalance and control while dealing with unexpected situations, like the missing razor blade. This reflects the immediate challenge of appearing composed despite internal turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene focuses more on emotional turmoil and introspection than external conflict. The tension arises from the characters' inner struggles and the complexities of their relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge the characters' beliefs and actions, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' vulnerabilities and inner struggles. While the emotional impact is high, the external consequences are relatively low, emphasizing the personal growth and introspection of Bud and Fran.

Story Forward: 6

The scene contributes to character development and emotional depth rather than significant plot progression. It deepens the audience's connection with Bud and Fran, setting the stage for future narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable in the characters' emotional responses and the unexpected reveal of the missing razor blade, adding intrigue and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on life, love, and self-worth. Fran's resignation contrasts with Bud's attempt to maintain a sense of humor and detachment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' inner turmoil and vulnerabilities. The poignant interactions between Bud and Fran create a sense of empathy and connection, leaving a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional nuances of Bud and Fran's interactions. It conveys a sense of intimacy and vulnerability, adding depth to their characters and relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic between the characters, the underlying tension, and the subtle emotional nuances that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of reflection and humor to coexist seamlessly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions, setting descriptions, and progression of events.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures a tender, intimate moment between Bud and Fran, highlighting their evolving relationship amidst the film's themes of loneliness and unrequited love. It builds on Fran's vulnerability from her recent suicide attempt and Bud's growing affection, creating a poignant contrast to the comedic elements earlier in the script. However, the dialogue occasionally feels a bit on-the-nose, such as Bud's direct warning about jumping, which could be more subtly conveyed through visual cues or subtext to avoid telling the audience what to feel. This might make the scene less emotionally immersive and reduce its dramatic impact. Additionally, while the humor in Fran's response ('So they'll shoot me -- like a horse') adds levity, it risks undercutting the seriousness of her mental state, potentially diluting the tension established in previous scenes. The scene's brevity is a strength in maintaining pace, but it could benefit from more buildup to Fran's confession about wanting to fall in love with someone like Bud, as this line is a key emotional beat that foreshadows their potential romance; extending it with subtle actions or pauses could deepen the audience's investment. Visually, the scene relies heavily on dialogue, with limited descriptive action beyond Bud moving to the window and shaving, which might make it feel static compared to the more dynamic scenes involving farce and interruptions. Finally, the transition to Bud shaving and discovering the missing razor blade cleverly reinforces his protective instincts but feels somewhat disconnected from the main interaction, missing an opportunity to tie it more cohesively to the emotional core of the scene.
  • In terms of character development, this scene showcases Bud's compassion and moral growth, contrasting his earlier complicity in lending out his apartment for affairs. Fran's line about wishing she could fall in love with someone 'nice like' Bud is a crucial moment that humanizes her and highlights her pattern of poor romantic choices, as established in prior scenes. However, the critique lies in the lack of reciprocity or deeper exploration of Bud's feelings; his rueful response feels understated, and the audience might benefit from more insight into his internal conflict, especially given his own history of heartbreak mentioned later. This could help readers understand Bud's character arc more clearly. The setting, confined to the bedroom and bathroom, effectively creates intimacy, but it doesn't fully utilize the apartment's environment to reflect the characters' emotions— for instance, the disarray from earlier events could be referenced visually to underscore the chaos in their lives. Overall, while the scene advances the plot by reinforcing Bud's role as a caretaker and hinting at a shift in dynamics, it could strengthen its emotional weight by balancing humor with gravity more carefully, ensuring that the serious undertones of suicide and loneliness are not overshadowed.
  • From a structural perspective, this scene serves as a quiet interlude in a screenplay filled with comedic interruptions and escalating conflicts, providing a necessary breather and character development. It fits well into the overall narrative, being scene 45 out of 60, as it deepens the bond between Bud and Fran while maintaining suspense about her recovery and Bud's deception regarding Sheldrake. However, the fade out and in at the end might feel abrupt or unnecessary if not clearly tied to the next scene, potentially disrupting the flow. The dialogue, while naturalistic, includes phrases like 'that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise' that echo earlier lines (e.g., Fran's use in scene 59), which could be seen as repetitive and might benefit from variation to avoid redundancy. Additionally, the visual of Bud replacing the razor blade is a nice touch that recalls his earlier precaution, emphasizing his concern, but it could be more integrated to show his ongoing anxiety rather than feeling like a separate gag. This scene's strength lies in its emotional authenticity, but it could be critiqued for not fully capitalizing on the dramatic potential by incorporating more sensory details or physical interactions to engage the audience beyond words.
Suggestions
  • Enhance subtext in dialogue by having Bud show suspicion through hesitant body language or a lingering gaze at the window instead of explicitly saying 'don't go getting any ideas,' to make the scene more cinematic and less reliant on direct exposition.
  • Extend the emotional beat where Fran expresses her desire to fall in love with someone like Bud by adding a pause, a close-up on her face, or a small action like her reaching out, to build tension and allow the audience to feel the weight of her confession more deeply.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as showing remnants of the previous night's chaos in the bedroom to reflect Fran's turmoil, or using lighting changes when Bud opens the window to symbolize a shift in mood, making the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Balance the tone by reducing the humor in Fran's dark joke or contextualizing it with a more serious follow-up from Bud, ensuring it complements rather than contrasts the gravity of her mental state and maintaining consistency with the film's blend of comedy and drama.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or voice-over for Bud during the shaving sequence to connect it more explicitly to his protective feelings, reinforcing his character growth and providing smoother transitions between the dialogue-heavy sections and action beats.



Scene 46 -  Bitter Farewell
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
It is the morning after Christmas, and Miss Olsen and the
other girls are just settling down to work. Sheldrake, in hat
and coat, approaches from the elevators, comes through the
glass doors.
SECRETARIES
(ad lib)
Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
(ignoring them)
Miss Olsen, will you come into my
office, please?
He strides into the inner office. Miss Olsen picks up her
stenographic pad, follows him in.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Sheldrake is removing his hat and coat as Miss Olsen comes
in, shuts the door behind her.
MISS OLSEN
Did you have a nice Christmas?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE
Lovely. You were a big help.
MISS OLSEN
Me?
SHELDRAKE
Thank you for giving that little
pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the
office party.
MISS OLSEN
(dropping her business-
like mask)
I'm sorry, Jeff. You know I could
never hold my liquor --
SHELDRAKE
But I thought you could hold your
tongue.
MISS OLSEN
It won't happen again.
SHELDRAKE
You bet it won't. I'll arrange for
you to get a month's severance pay -
(she looks at him,
uncomprehending)
That's right, Miss Olsen. I'm
letting you go.
MISS OLSEN
(quietly)
You let me go four years ago, Jeff.
Only you were cruel enough to make
me sit out there and watch the new
models pass by.
SHELDRAKE
I'd appreciate it if you'd be out
of here as soon as you can.
MISS OLSEN
(formal again)
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
She turns and walks out of the office, shutting the door.
Sheldrake looks after her for a moment, then goes to his
desk, picks up the phone, dials the operator.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE
(into phone)
This is Mr. Sheldrake. I'd like Mr.
Baxter's home telephone number --
that's C.C. Baxter, in Ordinary
Premium Accounting --
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
Miss Olsen has put on her coat, and is going through her desk
drawers, cleaning out her personal belongings -- nail polish,
emery boards, an extra pair of glasses, etc. As she stows
them away in her handbag, one of the buttons on the telephone
lights up. Miss Olsen hesitates for a second, then with a
quick look around, she pushes the button down, carefully
picks up the receiver, listens in.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Sheldrake is dialing the last two digits of a telephone
number. After a moment, someone answers.
SHELDRAKE
Hello, Baxter? Jeff Sheldrake. Can
you talk?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the tense morning after Christmas, Sheldrake coldly fires Miss Olsen for her indiscreet comments at the office party, leading to a confrontation about their past relationship. Miss Olsen, hurt and emotional, acknowledges that Sheldrake had already let her go years ago when he began his affairs. After accepting her dismissal, she packs her belongings and secretly eavesdrops on Sheldrake's phone call to C.C. Baxter, leaving the unresolved tension between them lingering in the air.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Relatively static setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with strong emotional tension and character dynamics, driving the plot forward and revealing key aspects of the characters' relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the power dynamics and unresolved issues between Sheldrake and Miss Olsen, adding depth to their characters and setting up future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly through the confrontation, revealing key character motivations and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the common theme of workplace power dynamics by focusing on the personal impact of professional decisions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Sheldrake and Miss Olsen are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their complex relationship and individual traits effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Both Sheldrake and Miss Olsen experience emotional shifts during the confrontation, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Miss Olsen's internal goal is to maintain her composure and professionalism despite the unexpected news of being let go. This reflects her need for dignity and self-respect in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7.5

Sheldrake's external goal is to dismiss Miss Olsen and contact Baxter, indicating his focus on business matters and maintaining control over his employees.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Sheldrake and Miss Olsen is intense and multi-layered, driving the scene forward and adding depth to their characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Miss Olsen's resistance to Sheldrake's decision creating uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the potential consequences of the confrontation on the characters' careers and personal lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, introducing conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of Miss Olsen's dismissal and the tension between the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict lies in the contrasting values of loyalty and self-interest. Miss Olsen values loyalty and honesty, while Sheldrake prioritizes his own interests and maintaining authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the raw and honest interactions between Sheldrake and Miss Olsen.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the underlying tension and emotions between the characters with authenticity and depth.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity between the characters, the unexpected turn of events, and the suspenseful dialogue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing the audience to feel the emotional weight of the interactions between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, making the scene easy to follow and understand for readers and production teams.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven sequence in a screenplay, effectively building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • This scene effectively heightens the tension in the narrative by showcasing the consequences of Sheldrake's serial infidelity, as he confronts and fires Miss Olsen for her drunken indiscretion at the Christmas party. It provides a moment of raw emotional honesty, particularly through Miss Olsen's response, which reveals her lingering bitterness and vulnerability, adding depth to her character and underscoring the theme of exploitation in professional and personal relationships. The dialogue is sharp and concise, typical of classic screenwriting, allowing for efficient character revelation without unnecessary exposition, which helps the audience understand the power dynamics at play and builds sympathy for Miss Olsen while reinforcing Sheldrake's callousness. However, the eavesdropping element feels somewhat clichéd and could undermine the scene's realism, as it relies on a convenient plot device to advance the story, potentially making Miss Olsen's actions appear overly vindictive or stereotypical for a jilted lover. Additionally, the transition to Sheldrake's phone call to Baxter is abrupt, which might disrupt the flow and emotional weight of the firing scene, as it shifts focus too quickly from interpersonal conflict to plot mechanics, possibly diluting the impact of Miss Olsen's exit. Overall, while the scene successfully escalates the stakes and ties into the broader themes of loneliness and deceit, it could benefit from more nuanced handling to avoid melodramatic tropes and ensure a smoother integration with the surrounding narrative.
  • From a structural perspective, this scene serves as a pivotal turning point, linking the fallout from the Christmas events to the ongoing subplot involving Fran and Bud. It highlights Sheldrake's hypocrisy and control issues, as he punishes Miss Olsen for behavior that mirrors his own indiscretions, which is thematically consistent with the film's exploration of moral ambiguity. The visual elements, such as Miss Olsen cleaning out her desk, effectively convey her displacement and finality, providing a subtle, poignant backdrop to the dialogue. However, the scene's brevity might limit the audience's emotional investment; for instance, Miss Olsen's line about being 'let go' four years ago could be explored more deeply to give her character greater dimensionality, as it currently feels like a quick reveal that doesn't fully capitalize on the opportunity for a more introspective moment. Furthermore, the eavesdropping mechanic, while functional for plot progression, risks feeling contrived in a modern context, as it assumes Miss Olsen can easily listen in without detection, which might not align with contemporary workplace realism or could be seen as overly convenient storytelling. This scene is strong in its use of conflict to drive character development, but it could be critiqued for not fully resolving the emotional undercurrents, leaving Miss Olsen's arc somewhat unresolved and relying on the audience's inference to connect it to larger themes.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the eavesdropping sequence by adding subtle visual cues, such as Miss Olsen hesitating or glancing around nervously, to make her actions feel more organic and less like a plot convenience, thereby increasing tension and realism.
  • Expand Miss Olsen's dialogue or add a brief flashback via voice-over or a cutaway to provide more context about her past relationship with Sheldrake, which could deepen audience empathy and make her firing more impactful without extending the scene's length significantly.
  • Smooth the transition to Sheldrake's phone call by inserting a short beat where he pauses to reflect on the conversation, perhaps showing a moment of guilt or indifference through facial expressions or actions, to maintain emotional continuity and prevent the scene from feeling rushed.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext or understated humor, drawing from the film's comedic elements, to balance the dramatic tone—for example, have Sheldrake's sarcasm feel more biting or add a line that foreshadows future conflicts, making the scene more engaging and layered.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing by shortening the firing exchange and elongating Miss Olsen's exit, allowing for a more visually dynamic sequence that emphasizes her isolation, such as a slow walk out with colleagues glancing sympathetically, to heighten the scene's emotional resonance and better integrate it with the overall narrative arc.



Scene 47 -  Silent Tensions
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAY
Bud, wearing slacks, a shirt open at the neck, and a cardigan
sweater, is at the phone. A pillow and a blanket on the
living room couch indicate where he spent the night.
BUD
(looking off)
Yes, she's in the shower -- she's
coming along fine, considering.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
Good. Is there anything you need --
money -- ?
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
No, thank you, Mr. Sheldrake. As a
matter of fact, I've got some money
for you -- a hundred dollars --

SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
Oh.
(a beat)
Well, if there's anything I can do
for you --
BUD - ON PHONE
BUD
For me? I don't think so. But I was
hoping maybe you could do something
for her --
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
Like what? Put yourself in my
place, Baxter -- how can I help her
-- my hands are tied --
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Fran now appears in the bedroom, wearing the plaid robe, and
toweling her damp hair.
BUD
(into phone)
Well, at least you can talk to her -
- let me put her on -- and please
be gentle --
He puts the receiver down, crosses toward the bedroom door.
BUD (CONT’D)
There's a call for you --
FRAN
(approaching)
For me?
BUD
-- Mr. Sheldrake.
FRAN
I don't want to talk to him.
BUD
I think you should. I have to run
down to the grocery anyway -- all
that's left around here is one
frozen pizza --
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT'D)
(takes raincoat and old
hat from hanger)
I'll be right back -- okay?
Fran nods, watches him go out. Then she glances toward the
phone, which is off the hook. Reluctantly she advances toward
it, picks it up.
FRAN
(into phone)
Hello, Jeff.
(a long beat)
Yes, I'm all right.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
Fran, why did you do it? It's so
childish -- and it never solves
anything -- I ought to be very
angry with you, scaring me like
that -- but let's forget the whole
thing -- pretend it never happened -
- what do you say, Fran?
(no answer)
Fran --
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Bud's apartment, he updates Jeff Sheldrake about Fran's recovery after a troubling incident. Despite Bud's encouragement, Fran is reluctant to speak with Sheldrake. As she answers the call, the conversation becomes tense and awkward, with Sheldrake downplaying the situation while Fran remains emotionally withdrawn, leading to unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' interactions, particularly through the dialogue and the underlying tension. It moves the plot forward significantly while deepening character development and setting up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting the aftermath of a suicide attempt and the strained relationships between the characters is compelling and drives the emotional depth of the scene. It sets the stage for further exploration of guilt, redemption, and forgiveness.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the repercussions of Fran's actions unfold, leading to confrontations and revelations that deepen the narrative complexity. The scene sets up future conflicts and character arcs, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on relationship conflicts and power struggles, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced emotions and conflicting motivations that drive the scene's tension. Bud's guilt and responsibility, Fran's vulnerability and regret, and Sheldrake's evasiveness and remorse add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional shifts, particularly in confronting the aftermath of Fran's suicide attempt. Bud grapples with guilt and responsibility, Fran confronts her actions and emotions, and Sheldrake faces the consequences of his choices.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and support Fran, showcasing his caring nature and desire to help others. This reflects his deeper need for connection and validation, as well as his fear of being alone or unimportant.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to mediate a conversation between Fran and Sheldrake, attempting to resolve a conflict and maintain a sense of control over the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is palpable, stemming from the characters' emotional turmoil, guilt, and strained connections. The tension between Bud, Fran, and Sheldrake drives the scene's dynamics and sets the stage for further confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power struggles creating uncertainty and complexity in the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters navigate the aftermath of a suicide attempt, confronting their own roles and responsibilities in the situation. The emotional and personal consequences add depth and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing the aftermath of Fran's suicide attempt and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It deepens the narrative complexity and character arcs, driving the plot towards new developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and unresolved tensions between the characters, keeping the audience intrigued about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around power dynamics and manipulation in relationships. Sheldrake's dismissive attitude challenges the protagonist's values of empathy and genuine care for others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of guilt, regret, and vulnerability. The characters' raw emotions and complex interactions create a poignant and moving atmosphere, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and impactful, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and strained relationships. It effectively conveys the emotional stakes and conflicts, driving the scene's intensity and character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, subtle conflicts, and relatable character dynamics that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, making the scene easy to follow and engaging for readers.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension and advances the plot, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively advances the emotional tension between the characters, particularly highlighting Fran's reluctance and Sheldrake's evasive nature, which underscores the dysfunctional dynamics of their relationship. This helps the audience understand the ongoing themes of deceit and unrequited affection in the screenplay, making it a pivotal moment for character development. However, the scene feels somewhat static due to its heavy reliance on dialogue, especially the phone conversation, which limits visual engagement and might cause it to drag in a medium that thrives on action and imagery.
  • Bud's character is portrayed with increasing depth, showing his protective and caring side as he encourages Fran to talk to Sheldrake and then leaves to give her privacy. This builds on his arc from earlier scenes where he is often passive or taken advantage of, but the transition could be smoother to emphasize his internal conflict more clearly. Fran's brief appearance and her muted response during the phone call effectively convey her emotional turmoil, but there's an opportunity to show more of her vulnerability through physical actions or subtle expressions to make her state more relatable and impactful for the viewer.
  • The dialogue is naturalistic and reveals key information about the characters' relationships, such as Sheldrake's guilt and Fran's disillusionment, which ties into the broader narrative of infidelity and personal growth. However, some lines, like Sheldrake's 'Put yourself in my place, Baxter,' feel a bit on-the-nose and could be refined to avoid exposition dumps, allowing the audience to infer more through subtext. Additionally, the scene's placement after the chaotic interruption by Kirkeby in the previous scene provides good contrast, but the shift to a calmer, more introspective tone might benefit from a stronger visual or auditory cue to maintain narrative flow.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene serves as a breather after the farce of the prior scenes, allowing for character introspection, but at 47 out of 60, it risks feeling like a lull if not balanced properly. The quick exit of Bud to the grocery store is a smart narrative device to isolate Fran for the phone call, heightening the drama, but it could be expanded with more buildup to increase suspense and make Bud's departure feel less abrupt. Overall, the scene contributes to the story's emotional core, but it could use more cinematic elements to engage the audience beyond dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling by adding descriptive actions, such as Fran hesitating before picking up the phone or showing her gripping the receiver tightly, to convey her anxiety and make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Enhance the emotional depth by including subtle facial expressions or body language for Fran during the phone call, like turning away from the phone or staring blankly, to better illustrate her internal conflict and make her character more sympathetic and relatable.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext; for example, have Sheldrake's lines imply his guilt without directly stating it, allowing the audience to read between the lines and strengthening the scene's tension.
  • Adjust the pacing by shortening Bud's phone conversation or adding a brief moment of reflection after he hangs up, ensuring the scene transitions smoothly into the next part and maintains momentum in the overall narrative.
  • Use the setting more effectively by describing the disheveled state of the apartment or specific details like the blanket on the couch to reflect Bud's exhaustion and the aftermath of the previous night's events, adding layers to the characters' emotional states.



Scene 48 -  Eavesdropping and Betrayal
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM
Miss Olsen, glued to the phone, is listening intently.
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
Are you there, Fran?
FRAN - ON PHONE
FRAN
Of course I'm not here -- because
the whole thing never happened -- I
never took those pills -- I never
loved you -- we never even met --
isn't that the way you want it?
SHELDRAKE - ON PHONE
SHELDRAKE
There you go again -- you know I
didn't mean it that way, Fran. Just
get well -- do what the nurse tells
you -- I mean Baxter -- and I'll
see you as soon as I can.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE (CONT'D)
Bye, Fran.
(he hangs up)
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
Miss Olsen hangs up the phone, sits there for a moment,
weighing what she has overheard. Then she makes a decision,
picks up the phone again, dials a number. As she waits for an
answer, she glances toward Sheldrake's office.
MISS OLSEN
(into phone)
Hello, Mrs. Sheldrake? This is Miss
Olsen -- fine, thank you -- Mrs.
Sheldrake, I was wondering if we
could have lunch together? -- well,
I don't know how important it is,
but I think you might find it
educational -- it concerns your
husband -- all right, one o'clock,
at Longchamp's, Madison and 59th.
She looks up as the door to the inner office opens and
Sheldrake comes out. He stops when he sees that Miss Olsen is
still there.
MISS OLSEN (CONT’D)
(hanging up phone)
Don't worry, I'm on my way.
(she rises)
I was just making a personal call.
She opens her handbag, takes out a coin, puts it down on the
desk.
MISS OLSEN (CONT’D)
Here's a dime.
She marches out through the glass doors toward the elevators
as Sheldrake stands there, watching her.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In Sheldrake's anteroom, Miss Olsen overhears a tense phone conversation between Sheldrake and Fran, where Fran angrily denies their past relationship. After contemplating the situation, Miss Olsen decides to call Mrs. Sheldrake, inviting her to lunch to discuss her husband's infidelity. As she hangs up, Sheldrake emerges from his office, unaware of her intentions. Miss Olsen quickly covers her actions and exits, leaving Sheldrake watching her departure, setting the stage for future conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character revelations
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is emotionally charged, with significant character revelations and confrontations that drive the plot forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing deep emotions and confronting hidden truths is well executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly through the emotional revelations and confrontations, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds originality through the nuanced interactions and the revelation of hidden motives. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters show vulnerability, defiance, and emotional complexity, adding depth and realism to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional shifts and revelations, leading to personal growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information and potentially confront Mrs. Sheldrake about her husband's actions. This reflects Miss Olsen's desire for justice, truth, and possibly a sense of empowerment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to arrange a meeting with Mrs. Sheldrake to discuss a matter concerning her husband. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a delicate situation and potentially exposing a secret.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict between characters is palpable, with emotional stakes driving the tension and drama of the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, as Miss Olsen's actions challenge the status quo and potentially disrupt the balance of power. The audience is left wondering about the consequences of her decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The high emotional stakes and revelations in the scene impact the characters' relationships and future decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the hidden agendas, and the unexpected decisions made by Miss Olsen. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7.5

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around honesty, deception, and the consequences of one's actions. Miss Olsen's decision to confront Mrs. Sheldrake challenges the values of loyalty, trust, and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a poignant and impactful moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotionally charged, revealing inner thoughts and conflicts, enhancing the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful dialogue, the gradual reveal of information, and the dynamic between the characters. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and the mystery surrounding the characters' motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and pauses that create tension and maintain the audience's interest. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The scene is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a dialogue-driven sequence in a screenplay. The back-and-forth exchanges between characters build tension and reveal information gradually, maintaining the audience's interest.


Critique
  • This scene effectively escalates the central conflict of Sheldrake's infidelity by having Miss Olsen, a jilted former lover, decide to expose his affair to his wife. It serves as a pivotal moment that advances the plot and increases tension, fitting well into the overall narrative arc where themes of deception and consequences are prominent. The use of eavesdropping is a clever device that reveals character motivations and builds suspense, allowing the audience to witness Miss Olsen's transformation from a passive observer to an active antagonist.
  • However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and on-the-nose, particularly in Miss Olsen's phone call to Mrs. Sheldrake and her interaction with Sheldrake. Lines like 'I think you might find it educational -- it concerns your husband' directly state the intent, which can reduce subtlety and make the scene less engaging. In screenwriting, showing rather than telling is often more effective, and this could be enhanced by implying her intentions through actions or subtext.
  • The scene's pacing is brisk, which is appropriate for a transitional moment, but it might benefit from more visual depth to immerse the audience. For instance, the description of Miss Olsen 'weighing what she has overheard' is a good start, but it could be expanded with specific visual cues, such as her facial expressions or body language, to convey her internal conflict more cinematically. This would help balance the reliance on dialogue and make the scene more dynamic.
  • Character development for Miss Olsen is handled adequately, showing her bitterness and desire for revenge, which stems from her firing in the previous scene. However, this shift feels somewhat abrupt without deeper exploration of her emotions earlier in the script. As a supporting character, her arc could be more nuanced to make her actions feel earned, perhaps by hinting at her resentment in prior scenes to build anticipation.
  • In terms of tone, the scene maintains the film's blend of drama and subtle humor, but the comedic elements (like the dime-leaving gesture) risk feeling clichéd or forced. This could undermine the seriousness of the affair subplot, especially in a story that mixes light-hearted moments with heavier themes. Ensuring that humorous beats serve the narrative rather than distract from it would strengthen the scene's impact.
Suggestions
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding more descriptive actions, such as close-ups of Miss Olsen's face during the eavesdropping to show her growing anger or determination, making the scene less dialogue-dependent and more engaging for viewers.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and natural; for example, instead of explicitly saying the lunch is 'educational' and 'concerns your husband,' have Miss Olsen use ambiguous language or a knowing tone that hints at the revelation, allowing the audience to infer the stakes.
  • Integrate more character depth by including a brief flashback or subtle reference to Miss Olsen's past with Sheldrake, perhaps through a personal item on her desk that she packs away, to make her revenge feel more personal and less sudden.
  • Adjust the comedic elements for better balance; the dime-leaving could be reimagined as a more ironic or symbolic gesture that ties into the film's themes, or removed if it detracts from the dramatic tension, ensuring it aligns with the overall tone.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to show the immediate aftermath of Miss Olsen's call, such as a reaction shot of Sheldrake sensing something is amiss, to heighten suspense and better connect it to the ensuing plot developments.



Scene 49 -  Gas Leak and Growing Connection
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - DAY
Bud comes down the street, carrying a large brown paper bag
overflowing with groceries. He goes up the steps of the house
and through the front door.
INT. STAIRCASE AND SECOND FLOOR LANDING - DAY
As Bud starts up the stairs, with the groceries, Mrs.
Lieberman comes hurrying down toward him.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
MRS. LIEBERMAN
(breathlessly)
Oh, Mr. Baxter -- I'm glad you're
here -- I was just going to get the
passkey.
BUD
What for?
MRS. LIEBERMAN
I thought I smelled gas coming from
your apartment.
BUD
Gas?
He races up the stairs two at a time, fumbling frantically
for his key. Reaching the door of his apartment, he unlocks
it, dashes in.
INT. THE APARTMENT - DAY
Bud comes bursting through the door. The living room is
empty, and the bedclothes have been removed from the couch.
BUD
(calling)
Miss Kubelik!
He dumps the bag of groceries on a table, rushes into the
kitchen. The burner has been turned on under the kettle, but
there is no flame, and gas is hissing from the vents. Bud
snaps it off, starts out again.
BUD (CONT’D)
Miss Kubelik!
Meanwhile Fran has appeared from the bathroom, and is
approaching the bedroom door. She is still in her robe, and
is holding a double sock-stretcher with one of Bud's socks on
it. Bud, rounding the corner from the kitchen at full speed,
collides with Fran in the bedroom doorway. He grabs her arms
with obvious relief.
BUD (CONT’D)
Are you all right?
FRAN
Sure.
(sniffs)
What's that funny smell?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Gas.
(indicating kitchen)
Didn't you turn it on?
FRAN
Yes. I was boiling some water to
get the coffee stains out of my
dress.
BUD
(accusingly)
You turned it on -- but you didn't
light it.
FRAN
Are you supposed to?
BUD
In this house, you're supposed to.
FRAN
Oh.
Bud starts to take off his hat and coat, notices the sock-
stretcher in her hand.
BUD
What are you doing with that?
FRAN
I was washing my stockings, so I
decided I might as well do your
socks.
BUD
Thank you.
FRAN
It's very curious -- I could only
find three and a half pair.
BUD
Well, things are a little
disorganized around here.
He carries the bag of groceries into the kitchen, Fran
trailing after him. During the following, he removes the
contents of the bag -- bread, eggs, bacon, spaghetti, ground
round, frankfurters, and assorted canned goods -- sets them
out on the drainboard.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
I'd say. What's a tennis racquet
doing in the kitchen?
She produces the racquet from behind the stove.
BUD
Tennis racquet? Oh, I remember -- I
was cooking myself an Italian
dinner.
(Fran looks at him oddly)
I used it to strain the spaghetti.
FRAN
(thinking it over)
Why not?
BUD
As a matter of fact, I'm a pretty
good cook -- but I'm a lousy
housekeeper.
FRAN
Yes, you are,
(indicating the living
room)
When I was straightening up the
couch, you know what I found? Six
hairpins, a lipstick, a pair of
false eyelashes, and a swizzle
stick from the Stork Club.
BUD
(shrugging)
It's just that I'm the kind of guy
who can't say no -- I don't mean to
girls -- I mean --
FRAN
You mean to someone like Mr.
Sheldrake.
BUD
I guess so.
FRAN
I know so. He's a taker.
BUD
A what?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN
Some people take, some people get
took -- and they know they're
getting took -- and there's nothing
they can do about it.
BUD
I wouldn't say that --
(trying to change the
subject)
What would you like to have for
diner? There's onion soup and
canned asparagus --
FRAN
I really ought to be getting home.
My family will be flipping by now.
She starts into the living room. Bud follows her.
BUD
You can't leave yet. The doctor
says it takes forty-eight hours to
get the stuff out of your system.
FRAN
(wistfully)
I wonder how long it takes to get
someone you're stuck on out of your
system? If they'd only invent some
kind of a pump for that --
She sits on the arm of a chair.
BUD
I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik.
You think it's the end of the world
-- but it's not, really. I went
through exactly the same thing
myself.
FRAN
You did?
BUD
Well, maybe not exactly -- I tried
to do it with a gun.
FRAN
Over a girl?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
BUD
Worse than that -- she was the wife
of my best friend -- and I was mad
for her. But I knew it was hopeless
-- so I decided to end it all. I
went to a pawnshop and bought a
forty-five automatic and drove up
to Eden Park -- do you know
Cincinnati?
FRAN
No, I don't.
BUD
Anyway, I parked the car and loaded
the gun -- well, you read in the
papers all the time that people
shoot themselves, but believe me,
it's not that easy -- I mean, how
do you do it? -- here, or here, or
here --
(with cocked finger, he
points to his temple,
mouth and chest)
-- you know where I finally shot
myself?
FRAN
Where?
BUD
(indicating kneecap)
Here.
FRAN
In the knee?
BUD
Uh-huh. While I was sitting there,
trying to make my mind up, a cop
stuck his head in the car, because
I was illegally parked -- so I
started to hide the gun under the
seat and it went off -- pow!
FRAN
(laughing)
That's terrible.
BUD
Yeah. Took me a year before I could
bend my knee -- but I got over the
girl in three weeks.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
BUD (CONT'D)
She still lives in Cincinnati, has
four kids, gained twenty pounds --
she sends me a fruit cake every
Christmas.
FRAN
(suddenly suspicious)
Are you just making that up to make
me feel better?
BUD
Of course not. Here's the fruit
cake.
(shows it to her under
Christmas tree)
And you want to see my knee?
(starts to raise pant-leg)
FRAN
No, thanks. The fellows in the
office may get the wrong idea how I
found out.
BUD
So let 'em. Look, I'm going to cook
dinner for us. We'll have the fruit
cake for dessert. You just sit
there and rest. You've done enough
for one day.
FRAN
(smiling)
Yes, nurse.
Bud starts happily into the kitchen.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 49, Bud Baxter rushes home to address a gas leak in his apartment, discovering Fran Kubelik has been cleaning and doing laundry. Their conversation shifts from the chaos of Bud's messy living space to personal stories, including Bud's failed suicide attempt and Fran's feelings for Mr. Sheldrake. As they bond over their vulnerabilities, Bud convinces Fran to stay for dinner, highlighting their growing connection amidst the humor and warmth of their interaction.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, romance, and comedy, providing depth through character interactions and introspective moments. The mix of tones keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflection and moving forward from past mistakes is central to the scene, adding depth to the characters and setting the stage for further development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through character interactions and revelations, setting the stage for emotional growth and relationship dynamics. The scene contributes to the overall narrative progression.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on relationship dynamics, blending humor with moments of vulnerability and reflection. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Fran are well-developed, showcasing vulnerability, humor, and resilience. Their evolving relationship and personal struggles add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Bud and Fran experience subtle shifts in their perspectives and emotional states, hinting at personal growth and resilience in the face of past mistakes.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to ensure Fran's safety and well-being, reflecting his caring nature and desire to protect those he cares about.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to prevent a potential gas leak disaster in his apartment, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in ensuring safety and avoiding a crisis.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is internal, focusing on emotional struggles and past regrets rather than external confrontations. It adds depth to the characters but remains relatively low-key.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the potential gas leak serving as a small obstacle that adds suspense and uncertainty to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal reflection and emotional growth rather than high-intensity conflicts or dramatic events.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and setting the stage for future developments. It adds layers to the narrative arc.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the mix of comedic elements with moments of tension and vulnerability, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' next actions and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene revolves around the idea of taking and being taken advantage of. Fran's statement about some people being takers while others get taken challenges Bud's beliefs about relationships and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern to hopefulness, resonating with the audience through relatable themes of heartbreak and self-forgiveness.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor with introspection. It reveals the characters' personalities and emotional states effectively, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, suspense, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events and relationships.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, balancing moments of tension with comedic relief to create a dynamic rhythm that enhances the emotional impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-structured format, moving seamlessly from one location to another while maintaining a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • This scene effectively builds emotional intimacy between Bud and Fran, serving as a pivotal moment in their relationship development. By having Bud share his personal story of a failed suicide attempt, it humanizes him and creates a sense of shared vulnerability, which helps the audience understand his character beyond his earlier portrayal as a pushover. However, the transition from the urgent gas leak to casual conversation feels abrupt, potentially diluting the tension established at the start. This could confuse viewers or make the scene less engaging if not handled with better pacing, as the initial panic doesn't fully resolve before shifting to lighter topics.
  • The dialogue reveals character traits and advances the theme of being 'taken advantage of,' with Fran's line about 'some people take, some people get took' succinctly capturing her cynicism and Bud's naivety. This is a strength, as it ties into the film's broader commentary on corporate and personal exploitation. That said, some exchanges, like Bud's explanation of using a tennis racquet to strain spaghetti, come across as overly quirky and might feel forced or stereotypical, risking the scene becoming too comedic at the expense of its emotional depth, especially given Fran's recent suicide attempt in the previous scenes.
  • Visually, the scene uses everyday actions—like Fran holding the sock-stretcher and Bud unpacking groceries—to ground the story in realism and show Fran's proactive care for Bud's space, symbolizing her gradual emotional investment. This is well-done for character insight, but the setting could benefit from more descriptive elements to enhance immersion, such as the lingering mess from earlier events or subtle reminders of Fran's vulnerability (e.g., the empty pill bottle), which would reinforce the stakes and make the scene more cohesive with the overall narrative. Additionally, the humor in Bud's suicide story anecdote provides relief but might trivialize serious themes if not balanced carefully, potentially alienating viewers who expect a more somber tone after the suicide attempt.
  • In terms of plot progression, this scene acts as a turning point, with Bud convincing Fran to stay and deepening their bond, which foreshadows potential romance. It effectively contrasts with the preceding scenes involving Sheldrake's callousness and Miss Olsen's betrayal, highlighting Bud's kindness as a foil. However, the conflict feels somewhat underdeveloped; for instance, Fran's desire to leave and Bud's persuasion could explore her internal struggle more deeply, making her decision to stay more impactful and less abrupt. This would help readers and viewers better understand her character arc and the evolving dynamics.
  • Overall, the scene maintains the film's blend of humor and pathos but could improve in thematic depth by more explicitly linking Bud's past mistake to Fran's current situation, emphasizing themes of resilience and human connection. As scene 49 in a 60-scene script, it serves as a mid-point breather, but its resolution—ending on a lighter note with dinner plans—might not fully capitalize on the emotional weight carried over from earlier scenes, leaving some narrative tension unresolved and potentially weakening the buildup to the climax.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the pacing by extending the gas leak sequence to build more suspense, then transition smoothly into the conversation to maintain emotional continuity and avoid jarring shifts.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it less clichéd; for example, rephrase Fran's 'some people take, some people get took' to something more personal and specific to her experiences with Sheldrake, enhancing authenticity and depth.
  • Add more sensory details and visual cues, such as describing the apartment's disarray or Fran's physical appearance to reflect her emotional state, which would immerse the audience and strengthen the scene's realism.
  • Develop Fran's internal conflict further by including a moment of hesitation or flashback to her suicide attempt, making her decision to stay more nuanced and tied to her character growth.
  • Incorporate subtle foreshadowing of Bud and Fran's budding romance, such as through lingering eye contact or small gestures, to heighten emotional stakes and better prepare for future developments in the story.



Scene 50 -  A Brother's Concern
INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - DAY
It is mid-afternoon, and traffic is light. A Yellow Cab has
pulled up in front of the entrance, and the driver, a
stockily-built young man in a leather jacket and cap, gets
out and comes through the revolving doors into the lobby. His
name is KARL MATUSCHKA, and he is Fran's brother-in-law. As
he cases the elevators, the starter comes up to him.
ELEVATOR STARTER
Can I help you?
MATUSCHKA
I'm looking for one of the elevator
girls -- Miss Kubelik.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
ELEVATOR STARTER
So am I. She didn't report this
morning.
MATUSCHKA
She didn't. Where can I get some
information -- who's in charge
here?
ELEVATOR STARTER
That comes under General Office
Administration. See Mr. Dobisch,
twenty-first floor.
MATUSCHKA
Thanks.
He steps into an elevator, the doors of which are just
closing.
INT. DOBISCH'S OFFICE - DAY
Dobisch is sitting behind his desk, lighting a cigar.
Kirkeby, who has dropped in for a little visit, is perched on
the edge of the desk.
KIRKEBY
-- so yesterday afternoon I take
Sylvia up to the apartment, and
guess who he's got stashed away in
the bedroom?
DOBISCH
Who?
KIRKEBY
Kubelik.
DOBISCH
No kidding. Buddy-boy and Kubelik
having themselves a little toot!
KIRKEBY
Toot? It's more like a lost
weekend. Neither of them showed up
for work today.
DOBISCH
A.W.O.L.?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
KIRKEBY
What gripes me is the two of them
were guzzling my champagne while
Sylvia and I wound up at the
Guggenheim Museum.
The glass door opens and Matuschka comes in.
MATUSCHKA
Mr. Dobisch?
DOBISCH
Yeah.
MATUSCHKA
My name is Karl Matuschka -- my
sister-in-law, she runs one of the
elevators here -- Fran Kubelik.
KIRKEBY
(exchanging a glance with
Dobisch)
Miss Kubelik?
MATUSCHKA
You know her?
DOBISCH
Of course. There may be a lot of
employees here -- but we're one big
happy family.
MATUSCHKA
Well, she lives with us -- and my
wife, she's getting a little
nervous -- on account of Fran
hasn't been home for two days.
KIRKEBY
(another look at Dobisch)
That so.
MATUSCHKA
Anyway, we was wondering if
somebody in the office would know
what happened to her.
DOBISCH
I see.
(to Kirkeby)
What do you think, Al? Can we help
the man?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
KIRKEBY
(after a pregnant pause)
Why not? We don't owe Buddy-boy
anything.
DOBISCH
Yeah. What's Buddy-boy done for us
lately?
MATUSCHKA
(scowling)
Who is Buddy-boy?
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 50, Karl Matuschka, a worried cab driver and Fran Kubelik's brother-in-law, arrives at the insurance building seeking information about Fran, who hasn't reported to work for two days. He learns from the elevator starter to approach Mr. Dobisch on the 21st floor. In Dobisch's office, Matuschka finds Dobisch and Kirkeby discussing Fran's absence and her connection to 'Buddy-boy,' whom they resent. Matuschka expresses his concern for Fran, but Dobisch and Kirkeby are evasive, hinting at their knowledge while withholding information. The scene ends with Matuschka confused and scowling, questioning who 'Buddy-boy' is, leading to a transition to the next scene.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of new character
  • Balanced mix of suspense, humor, and drama
  • Clear advancement of plot and character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a new character, builds tension through the search for Fran Kubelik, and hints at upcoming conflicts. The mix of suspense, humor, and drama keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the unexpected visit by Karl Matuschka adds depth to the storyline, introducing new elements and potential conflicts. The scene effectively sets up future developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced through the introduction of Karl Matuschka and the search for Fran Kubelik, adding layers to the story and setting up future events. The scene contributes significantly to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace dynamics and personal relationships, blending humor with underlying tensions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters interact believably, with Dobisch, Kirkeby, and Matuschka displaying distinct personalities and motivations. The scene deepens the understanding of the characters and their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Karl Matuschka hints at potential shifts in dynamics and relationships in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find out what happened to Fran Kubelik, his missing sister-in-law, reflecting his concern for her well-being and his desire to resolve the uncertainty surrounding her absence.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to locate Fran Kubelik and understand the circumstances of her disappearance, which directly relates to the immediate challenge of addressing his wife's growing anxiety and the mystery surrounding Fran's absence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the search for Fran Kubelik and the tension between the characters. The introduction of Karl Matuschka adds a new layer of conflict and intrigue.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and intrigue, with characters facing obstacles and conflicting interests that add depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the search for Fran Kubelik and the potential consequences of her absence. The scene hints at hidden relationships and secrets that could have significant repercussions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, setting up conflicts, and deepening character relationships. It paves the way for future developments and plot twists.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations about Fran's whereabouts, the shifting dynamics between characters, and the unresolved questions that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, responsibility, and personal relationships. It challenges the characters' values of loyalty to colleagues versus personal connections and moral obligations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense to humor to melancholy. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding events create a compelling emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, blending suspense, humor, and drama effectively. The exchanges between the characters reveal their personalities and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intriguing mystery surrounding Fran's disappearance, the witty banter between characters, and the gradual unfolding of tensions and relationships.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through well-timed dialogue exchanges, character interactions, and scene transitions, enhancing the overall impact and engagement of the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, clearly distinguishing between locations, characters, and dialogue, making it easy to follow for readers and production teams.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven sequence in a screenplay, effectively transitioning between locations and characters while maintaining a coherent narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces external conflict by bringing in Karl Matuschka, Fran's brother-in-law, which escalates the stakes for the characters involved in the affair and highlights the consequences of their actions leaking into personal lives. However, Matuschka's sudden appearance in scene 50, late in the script, feels abrupt and underdeveloped, potentially confusing audiences who haven't been prepared for this character's role. This lack of foreshadowing diminishes the emotional impact and makes Matuschka come across as a convenient plot device rather than a fully realized character with his own motivations and backstory.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional for advancing the plot and revealing information, but it often relies on stereotypical corporate banter and expository exchanges, such as Dobisch and Kirkeby's discussion about 'Buddy-boy' and the champagne, which can feel forced and unnatural. This approach tells rather than shows the audience the resentment and dynamics between characters, reducing the scene's authenticity and emotional depth. Additionally, Matuschka's lines are straightforward and lack subtext, missing an opportunity to convey his concern or frustration more nuancedly, which could make the scene more engaging and less predictable.
  • Pacing-wise, the scene builds tension well by contrasting the light-hearted, almost comedic discussion between Dobisch and Kirkeby with the serious inquiry from Matuschka, creating a shift that underscores the gravity of Fran's absence. However, the pre-existing conversation between Dobisch and Kirkeby might slow the momentum if it feels redundant, as it reiterates information from earlier scenes without adding significant new insights. This could disrupt the flow, especially since the script is nearing its end, and every scene should contribute to escalating towards the climax without unnecessary digressions.
  • Visually, the scene uses clear transitions from the lobby to Dobisch's office, which helps maintain spatial awareness and cinematic flow. The description of Matuschka's entrance and the elevator starter's interaction adds a sense of realism to the corporate environment, reinforcing the theme of a large, impersonal company. That said, the visual elements could be more dynamic; for instance, closer attention to facial expressions or body language during key moments, like the exchanged glances between Dobisch and Kirkeby, could heighten the suspense and make the audience feel the weight of the secret they're withholding.
  • In terms of thematic integration, this scene strengthens the overarching themes of deception and the intersection of professional and personal lives by showing how corporate figures like Dobisch and Kirkeby are complicit in Bud's troubles, but it doesn't fully capitalize on exploring Matuschka's perspective as an outsider. This could have been an opportunity to deepen the exploration of loneliness and relational fallout, but it remains surface-level, focusing more on plot mechanics than character-driven drama. Overall, while the scene serves its purpose in the narrative, it could better balance exposition with emotional resonance to make it more memorable and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Introduce Matuschka or hints of Fran's family earlier in the script to build anticipation and make his appearance feel more organic, such as through a brief mention in Fran's backstory or a phone call in a previous scene, allowing the audience to connect with his character before he becomes central to the conflict.
  • Refine the dialogue to add more subtext and naturalism; for example, have Dobisch and Kirkeby's conversation about 'Buddy-boy' incorporate subtle hints of jealousy or guilt through indirect language, and give Matuschka more expressive lines that reveal his emotional state, like stammering or showing visible worry, to make interactions feel less expository and more authentic.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening or integrating the Dobisch-Kirkeby banter more seamlessly with Matuschka's entrance, perhaps by having them react immediately to his arrival or using it to heighten irony, ensuring the scene maintains high energy and advances the plot without filler, especially given its position close to the story's climax.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by adding more descriptive details, such as close-ups on Matuschka's furrowed brow or the executives' uneasy eye contact, to convey unspoken tension and emotions, making the scene more cinematic and engaging while supporting the theme of hidden truths in a corporate setting.
  • Expand on character development by giving Matuschka a small moment to express his personal stake, like referencing a family photo or a quick flashback, to humanize him and tie into the film's themes of loneliness and relationships, ensuring the scene not only moves the plot forward but also deepens emotional layers for a more satisfying narrative arc.



Scene 51 -  A Tense Evening: Love and Conflict
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING
Buddy-boy is bending over a hot stove, preparing an Italian
dinner. He takes a saucepan of spaghetti off the fire, and
picking up the tennis racquet with the other hand, pours the
spaghetti on top of the racquet strings. Then he turns on the
faucet, runs water over the spaghetti. With the combined
technique of Brillat-Savarin and Pancho Gonzales, he gently
agitates the racquet, letting the water drain off the
spaghetti. As he works, he hums a theme from Tschaikowsky's
Capriccio Italien. Fran walks in, still in her robe.
FRAN
Are we dressing for dinner?
BUD
No -- just come as you are.
FRAN
(watching him)
Say, you're pretty good with that
racquet.
BUD
You ought to see my backhand.
(dumping spaghetti into
platter)
And wait till I serve the
meatballs.
(demonstrates)
FRAN
Shall I light the candles?
BUD
It's a must -- gracious-living-
wise.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
As Fran starts into the living room, Bud begins to ladle meat
sauce onto the spaghetti, humming operatically. In the living
room, the small table has been set for two, and prominent on
it is the champagne bottle that Mr. Kirkeby left behind,
still in its cardboard bucket, but freshly iced. As Fran
lights the candles, she notices the napkins on the table,
peels a price-tag off the corner of one of them.
FRAN
I see you bought some napkins.
BUD
Might as well go all the way.
He carries the platter of spaghetti and meat sauce in from
the kitchen, sets it on the table, sprinkles some cheese on
it. Then he crosses to the coffee table, where a full martini
pitcher stands in readiness, fills a couple of glasses. Fran
seats herself at the table.
BUD (CONT’D)
You know, I used to live like
Robinson Crusoe -- shipwrecked
among eight million people. Then
one day I saw a footprint in the
sand -- and there you were --
(hands her martini)
It's a wonderful thing -- dinner
for two.
FRAN
You usually eat alone?
BUD
Oh, no. Sometimes I have dinner
with Ed Sullivan, sometimes with
Dinah Shore or Perry Como -- the
other night I had dinner with Mae
West -- of course, she was much
younger then.
(toasting)
Cheers.
FRAN
Cheers.
They drink.
BUD
You know what we're going to do
after dinner?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
The dishes?
BUD
I mean, after that?
FRAN
What?
BUD
You don't have to if you don't want
to --
FRAN
I don't?
BUD
We're going to finish that gin
game.
FRAN
Oh.
BUD
So I want you to keep a clear head.
The door bell rings. Carrying his martini glass, Bud crosses
to the door, starts to open it.
BUD (CONT’D)
Because I don't want to take
advantage of you -- the way I did
yesterday in bed.
By now the door is open, and Bud is speaking to Fran over his
shoulder. He turns, finds himself face to face with Karl
Matuschka, who is standing grimly in the doorway.
MATUSCHKA
Baxter?
BUD
Yes?
Matuschka shoves him roughly aside, strides past him toward
Fran, who has risen to her feet.
MATUSCHKA
What's with you, Fran -- did you
forget where you live?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN
(to Bud)
This is my brother-in-law, Karl
Matuschka.
BUD
(friendly)
How do you do, Mr. Matuschka?
MATUSCHKA
(pushing Bud away; to
Fran)
Okay, get your clothes on. I got
the cab downstairs.
BUD
Now, wait a minute. I know what
you're thinking -- but it's not as
bad as it looks --
MATUSCHKA
(shoving him away)
It's none of my business what you
do, Fran -- you're over twenty- one
-- but your sister happens to think
you're a lady.
BUD
All we were going to do is eat and
wash the dishes --
MATUSCHKA
(grabbing him)
Look, Buddy-boy -- if there wasn't
a lady present, I'd clobber you.
FRAN
(separating them)
All right, Karl -- I'll get
dressed.
She exits into the bedroom, removing her dress from the door,
and closing it. Matuschka leans against the wall beside the
hall door, eyeing Bud truculently. Bud raises a finger to
remonstrate with him -- then breaks into a nervous,
ingratiating smile.
BUD
Care for a martini? Champagne?
(Matuschka continues
glaring at him)
How about a little spaghetti with
meat sauce? Made it myself.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (4)
BUD (CONT'D)
(Matuschka just scowls)
Your sister-in-law sure is
terrific...
(realizes his mistake;
switching abruptly)
Must be murder driving a cab in New
York -- I mean, with all that cross-
town traffic --
He gestures with the martini glass, spilling the contents
over his shirtfront. Through the partly open hall door, Dr.
Dreyfuss sticks his head in.
DR. DREYFUSS
Hi, Baxter.
He steps into the apartment, passing Matuschka without seeing
him.
DR. DREYFUSS (CONT’D)
How's the patient?
BUD
(quickly)
Oh, I'm fine, Doc.
DR. DREYFUSS
Not you -- Miss Kubelik.
MATUSCHKA
(stepping forward)
What's the matter with Miss
Kubelik?
BUD
Oh, this is Mr. Matuschka -- he's
Miss Kubelik's -- he's got a cab
downstairs --
MATUSCHKA
(to Dreyfuss)
Fran been sick or something?
Dr. Dreyfuss looks at Bud.
BUD
No, no -- just had a little
accident.
MATUSCHKA
(to Dreyfuss)
What does he mean, accident?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (5)
DR. DREYFUSS
Well, these things happen all the
time --
MATUSCHKA
What things?
(grabbing Dreyfuss)
Say, what kind of doctor are you,
anyway?
BUD
(hastily)
Oh, not that kind.
He just gave her a shot and pumped her stomach out -- Behind
them, the bedroom door has opened, and Fran comes out,
wearing her coat over her dress.
MATUSCHKA
What for?
FRAN
(coming up)
Because I took some sleeping pills.
But I'm all right now -- so let's
go.
MATUSCHKA
Why did you take sleeping pills?
BUD
(promptly)
On account of me.
MATUSCHKA
(whirling on him)
You?
BUD
Who else?
Matuschka lashes out with a left to Bud's jaw, and while he
is off balance, catches him with a right to the eye. Bud
falls back against the Christmas tree, which topples with a
crash. Fran pulls Matuschka away from him.
FRAN
Leave him alone, Karl.
She kneels beside Bud.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (6)
FRAN (CONT’D)
(tenderly)
You fool -- you damn fool.
MATUSCHKA
Come on, Fran.
FRAN
Goodbye, Mr. Baxter.
She kisses him on the cheek, rises, starts toward the door.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Goodbye, doctor.
She follows Matuschka out. Bud looks after her, starry-eyed.
DR. DREYFUSS
I don't want to gloat, but just
between us, you had that coming to
you.
(tilts Bud's chin up,
examines his eye)
Tch, tch, tch. Are you going to
have a shiner tomorrow. Let me get
my bag.
(he starts out)
BUD
(calling after him)
Don't bother, Doc. It doesn't hurt
a bit.
He is on Cloud Nine.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In Bud's apartment, a romantic dinner takes a chaotic turn when Fran's aggressive brother-in-law, Karl Matuschka, confronts them, suspecting impropriety. After a playful start, the mood shifts dramatically as Matuschka's anger escalates, leading to a physical altercation with Bud. The situation intensifies when Dr. Dreyfuss reveals Fran's recent suicide attempt, prompting Fran to intervene and leave with Matuschka. Despite the turmoil, Bud remains euphoric, reflecting on the bittersweet nature of love and misunderstanding.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of drama and comedy
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Emotional depth and vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable confrontation setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, romance, and comedy, creating a tense yet tender atmosphere. The interruption during dinner adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around unexpected interruptions and confrontations, adding depth to the characters and exploring their relationships in a humorous yet emotional way.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is driven by the unexpected arrival of Fran's brother-in-law, leading to a confrontation that reveals more about the characters' dynamics and motivations.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic dinner date scenario by incorporating quirky cooking methods and unexpected character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene show vulnerability, humor, and depth in their interactions. The development of Bud, Fran, and Karl Matuschka is compelling and adds layers to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Bud and Fran, experience emotional shifts and revelations during the scene, leading to personal growth and deeper connections.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to impress and charm Fran, showcasing his wit and charm. This reflects his deeper desire for connection and validation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to have a successful dinner date with Fran, which is disrupted by the unexpected arrival of Fran's brother-in-law.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the clash between Bud, Fran, and Karl Matuschka, adding tension and emotional depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Fran's brother-in-law serving as a formidable obstacle to the protagonist's romantic intentions, creating uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised as personal secrets and emotions come to the surface, impacting the characters' relationships and future decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters' backgrounds, motivations, and relationships, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden arrival of Fran's brother-in-law, disrupting the protagonist's plans and adding a layer of tension to the dinner date.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around societal expectations and personal desires. Fran's brother-in-law represents traditional values and judgment, while Buddy-boy embodies a more carefree and unconventional approach to life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tenderness to tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles and relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and humor. It drives the interactions and reveals insights into their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and unexpected events that keep the audience invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, enhancing the overall impact of the character interactions and plot developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting aligns with industry standards for screenplay writing, effectively conveying character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, transitioning smoothly between character interactions and plot developments. It adheres to the expected format for a romantic comedy genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a pivotal moment in Bud and Fran's relationship, transitioning from a cozy, humorous dinner scene to a dramatic confrontation, which mirrors the film's blend of comedy and drama. This contrast highlights Bud's character development, showing his growing affection for Fran and his willingness to stand up for her, but it also risks feeling abrupt, as the shift from light-hearted banter to violence is rapid and may not give the audience enough time to process the emotional change. The introduction of Matuschka as an aggressive force works to escalate conflict, but his character comes across as one-dimensional, serving primarily as a plot device to reveal information and create physical comedy, which could undermine the seriousness of Fran's recent suicide attempt and the stakes involved.
  • Dialogue in the scene is generally strong in conveying character personalities—Bud's nervous humor and Fran's quiet resignation—but some lines feel overly expository or clichéd, such as Bud's immediate confession about taking advantage of Fran, which telegraphs the misunderstanding and reduces tension. The banter between Bud and Fran at the beginning is charming and builds their chemistry, helping the audience root for them, but the confrontation with Matuschka includes dialogue that might be too on-the-nose, like Matuschka's direct accusations, which could benefit from more subtext to make the interactions feel more natural and less staged. Additionally, Dr. Dreyfuss's unexpected entrance adds a layer of irony and humor, reinforcing his role as a moral compass, but it also feels somewhat contrived, as it conveniently reveals critical information without building suspense.
  • Pacing is a strength in maintaining energy, with quick cuts between actions and dialogue that keep the scene dynamic, but it could be tighter to heighten emotional impact. For instance, the fight sequence is brief and comedic, which fits the film's tone but might downplay the physical and emotional consequences, making Bud's euphoric reaction at the end seem inconsistent with the pain he should feel. Visually, the use of props like the tennis racquet and champagne bucket adds quirky charm, emphasizing Bud's improvisational lifestyle, but the scene could use more descriptive elements to ground the audience in the setting, such as the disarray of the apartment or subtle facial expressions that convey unspoken emotions, enhancing immersion and empathy.
  • In the context of the overall screenplay, this scene serves as a turning point, deepening Bud's infatuation with Fran and setting up future conflicts, particularly with Sheldrake. However, it risks reinforcing gender stereotypes—Fran as the damsel in distress and Bud as the bumbling hero—which could be mitigated by giving Fran more agency in the confrontation. The ending, with Bud's starry-eyed response despite being punched, effectively conveys his emotional growth and the theme of finding value in human connection, but it might come across as overly sentimental if not balanced with realism, potentially alienating viewers who expect more nuanced character reactions.
  • The scene's humor, derived from Bud's awkwardness and the absurd situation, complements the film's rom-com elements, but the integration of serious themes like suicide and infidelity could be handled with more sensitivity to avoid trivialization. For example, the casual reveal of Fran's stomach being pumped might lessen the gravity of her earlier attempt, and the scene could explore the psychological aftermath more deeply to maintain thematic consistency with the script's exploration of loneliness and redemption.
Suggestions
  • Smooth the transition between the romantic dinner and the confrontation by adding foreshadowing, such as Bud glancing nervously at the door or Fran mentioning her family earlier, to make Matuschka's arrival feel less sudden and more organic.
  • Refine dialogue to include more subtext and naturalism; for instance, have Matuschka's accusations be implied through body language or indirect questions, allowing the audience to infer his anger rather than stating it outright, which would increase tension and realism.
  • Enhance character depth by giving Matuschka a brief moment of vulnerability or backstory, perhaps through a line about his concern for Fran's sister, to make him more than just an antagonist and add layers to the conflict.
  • Adjust pacing by extending the fight scene slightly to show Bud's reaction in real-time, including a moment of pain or reflection, to make his euphoric ending more believable and emotionally resonant.
  • Incorporate more visual details to enrich the scene, such as close-ups on Fran's expression during the kiss or the disheveled state of the apartment, to emphasize themes of chaos and budding romance, and ensure the tone shift doesn't undermine the seriousness of Fran's mental health struggles.



Scene 52 -  A Bold Proposal Amidst Mockery
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
Bud is coming from the elevators toward his office. He is
wearing his chesterfield, bowler, and a pair of dark glasses.
He opens the office door, starts in.
INT. BUD'S OFFICE - DAY
Bud crosses directly to the phone, removes his glasses
revealing a swollen left eye. He dials a number.
BUD
(into phone)
Mr. Sheldrake's office?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT'D)
This is C.C. Baxter. Would you
please tell Mr. Sheldrake I'd like
to come up and see him? It's rather
important. Will you call me back,
please?
He hangs up, takes off his hat and coat, deposits them on the
clothes- tree. Then he paces around the office, rehearsing a
speech out loud.
BUD (CONT’D)
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news
for you. All your troubles are
over. I'm going to take Miss
Kubelik off your hands.
(nods to himself with
satisfaction)
The plain fact is, Mr. Sheldrake,
that I love her. I haven't told her
yet, but I thought you should be
the first to know. After all, you
don't really want her, and I do,
and although it may sound
presumptuous, she needs somebody
like me. So I think it would be the
thing all around --
(the phone rings and he
picks it up)
-- solution-wise.
(into phone)
Yes? I'll be right up.
He hangs up, crosses to the door, opens it.
BUD (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news
for you --
Putting on his dark glasses, he heads for the elevators,
still talking to himself.
INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY
Kirkeby and Dobisch are just stepping out of an elevator when
Bud approaches. They grin smugly when they see that he is
wearing dark glasses.
KIRKEBY
Hi, Buddy-boy. What happened to
you?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
DOBISCH
Hit by a swinging door? Or maybe a
Yellow Cab?
Bud pays no attention, walks right past them into the
elevator, still muttering to himself. The doors close.
KIRKEBY
(as they move away from
the elevators)
That guy really must've belted him.
DOBISCH
Yeah, he's punchy. Talking to
himself.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 52, Bud arrives at his office on the nineteenth floor, concealing a swollen eye with dark glasses. He prepares to confront Mr. Sheldrake about his feelings for Miss Kubelik, rehearsing a speech about taking her away. Despite being mocked by colleagues Kirkeby and Dobisch for his appearance and behavior, Bud remains focused on his mission. The scene highlights Bud's internal struggle and determination, contrasted with the sarcastic humor of his coworkers, ending with them commenting on his odd behavior as he leaves.
Strengths
  • Effective character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues in transitions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and emotional moments, providing depth to the characters and advancing the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing hidden truths, exploring complex relationships, and showcasing character growth is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the revelations, confrontations, and emotional moments, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on office romance and personal revelations within a corporate setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced personalities and motivations driving their interactions. The scene allows for character growth and reveals layers of complexity.

Character Changes: 9

Significant character changes occur, particularly in Fran and Bud, as they confront truths about themselves and their relationships, leading to personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to express his love for Miss Kubelik to Mr. Sheldrake. This reflects Bud's deeper desire for love, connection, and a sense of purpose in his life.

External Goal: 7.5

Bud's external goal is to inform Mr. Sheldrake about his intention to take Miss Kubelik off his hands, thereby solving a problem for both of them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including emotional turmoil, confrontations, and revelations, creating tension and driving character development.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition is strong enough to create uncertainty and conflict, with Bud facing challenges from both internal doubts and external reactions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of emotional impact, character relationships, and personal revelations, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in Bud's unexpected declaration of love and the reactions of other characters, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of love, loyalty, and self-worth. Bud's belief in his love for Miss Kubelik clashes with the societal norms and expectations within the office environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, humor, regret, and hope, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics, emotions, and conflicts effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging due to the blend of humor, tension, and emotional stakes as Bud navigates personal and professional challenges.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense as Bud reveals his intentions, creating a sense of anticipation and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format typical of character-driven dramas, effectively balancing dialogue, action, and internal reflection.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Bud Baxter's internal conflict and determination to confront Sheldrake about his feelings for Fran, serving as a pivotal moment in his character arc from a passive, exploited employee to someone taking control of his life. The rehearsal of the speech aloud provides insight into Bud's vulnerability and sincerity, allowing the audience to understand his emotional state without explicit narration, which aligns with the film's theme of loneliness and personal growth. However, the scene feels somewhat abrupt and isolated, as Bud's decision to confess his love appears to stem directly from the euphoric ending of the previous scene without sufficient buildup, potentially making his actions seem impulsive rather than earned. The use of dark glasses to conceal his swollen eye is a strong visual link to the physical and emotional fallout from scene 51, reinforcing the consequences of his interactions, but it could be better integrated to heighten the stakes or add layers to his characterization.
  • The dialogue in this scene, particularly Bud's rehearsed speech, is functional in advancing the plot and revealing his intentions, but it borders on being too expository and on-the-nose, with phrases like 'I'm going to take Miss Kubelik off your hands' directly stating emotions that could be shown more subtly through actions or subtext. This approach risks reducing the emotional depth, as it tells the audience what Bud is feeling rather than allowing them to infer it, which might diminish the impact in a film that relies on nuanced performances. Additionally, the interaction with Kirkeby and Dobisch adds humorous contrast and underscores Bud's alienation from his colleagues, but their mockery feels somewhat generic and could be more specific to the story's themes of corporate exploitation to make it more biting and memorable.
  • Pacing-wise, this scene moves quickly, which is appropriate for a transitional moment in a late-stage script, but it might benefit from a slight expansion to build more tension before the confrontation with Sheldrake. The muttering to himself as Bud walks to the elevator is a clever way to externalize his thoughts, creating a comedic yet poignant effect, but it could be tightened to avoid repetition or to intercut with visual elements that emphasize his nervousness, such as close-ups of his hands fidgeting or his reflection in the elevator doors. Overall, while the scene effectively sets up the next conflict, it could use more breathing room to let the audience absorb Bud's emotional shift, especially given the high stakes of his impending confession.
  • Visually, the scene makes good use of recurring motifs, like Bud's bowler hat and the office setting, to maintain continuity with earlier scenes, and the dark glasses add a layer of mystery and humor. However, the visual storytelling could be enhanced by incorporating more dynamic camera work or symbolic elements—such as focusing on the dark glasses slipping off to reveal his injury, mirroring his emotional exposure—to deepen the audience's connection. The encounter with Kirkeby and Dobisch in the hallway provides a brief moment of conflict that contrasts with Bud's internal focus, but it feels underutilized, as it doesn't significantly alter the scene's trajectory, potentially making it seem like a filler interaction rather than a meaningful escalation.
  • In the context of the entire screenplay, this scene is crucial for advancing Bud's arc toward self-assertion and love, fitting into the rom-com structure by building toward a climactic confrontation. However, it risks feeling predictable if not balanced with unexpected twists, as Bud's rehearsed speech outlines his plan too clearly, reducing suspense. The theme of being taken advantage of is reinforced through the mockery from his colleagues, but the scene could better tie into the broader narrative by hinting at the consequences of Bud's past actions, such as the apartment key scheme, to create a sense of inevitability or irony. Overall, while the scene effectively conveys Bud's growth, it could be more impactful by deepening the emotional stakes and ensuring that his actions feel organic to his character development.
Suggestions
  • Add a short flashback or internal reflection during Bud's rehearsal to show why he's choosing this moment to confess, perhaps recalling a specific interaction with Fran from earlier scenes, to make his decision feel more earned and less abrupt.
  • Refine Bud's rehearsed dialogue to be less direct; for example, have him practice saying something ambiguous or metaphorical that hints at his feelings, allowing the audience to engage more actively with his emotions and making the confession more surprising when it happens.
  • Extend the scene slightly by adding a beat where Bud hesitates or second-guesses himself after the call, such as looking at a photo of Fran or touching his swollen eye, to build tension and give the audience a moment to empathize with his anxiety before he leaves the office.
  • Enhance visual elements by using close-ups or specific camera angles during the hallway encounter with Kirkeby and Dobisch to emphasize Bud's isolation, such as shooting from a low angle to make him appear smaller or using mirroring techniques to show how their mockery reflects his past insecurities.
  • Incorporate subtle references to the apartment key subplot or Sheldrake's influence to heighten the irony, such as Bud glancing at his desk calendar with Sheldrake's name on it, reminding the audience of the power dynamics and making Bud's rebellion feel more significant within the story's themes.



Scene 53 -  Unexpected Revelations
INT. TWENTY-SEVENTH FLOOR FOYER - DAY
The elevator doors open.
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
Twenty-seven.
Bud steps out. As he heads for Sheldrake's office, he
continues rehearsing his speech.
BUD
You see, Mr. Sheldrake, those two
days she spent in the apartment --
it made me realize how lonely I'd
been before. But thanks to you, I'm
in a financial position to marry
her -- if I can ever square things
with her family.
He opens the door to Sheldrake's anteroom.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Sheldrake is pacing in front of his desk. A couple of
suitcases are standing in a corner of the room. The intercom
buzzes, and Sheldrake presses the lever down.
SECRETARY'S VOICE
Mr. Baxter is here.
SHELDRAKE
Send him in.
A beat, then the door opens, and Bud marches in determinedly.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news
for you --
SHELDRAKE
And I've got good news for you,
Baxter. All your troubles are over.
BUD
(reacting to the echo)
Sir?
SHELDRAKE
I know how worried you were about
Miss Kubelik -- well, stop worrying
-- I'm going to take her off your
hands.
BUD
(stunned)
You're going to take her off my
hands?
SHELDRAKE
That's right.
(indicating suitcases)
I've moved out of my house -- I'm
going to be staying in town, at the
Athletic Club.
BUD
You left your wife?
SHELDRAKE
Well, if you must know -- I fired
my secretary, my secretary got to
my wife, and my wife fired me.
Ain't that a kick in the head?
BUD
Yeah --
SHELDRAKE
Now what was your news, Baxter?
BUD
(recovering with
difficulty)
It's about Miss Kubelik -- she's
all right again -- so she went back
home.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE
Swell. And don't think I've
forgotten what you did for me.
(opens door to adjoining
office)
This way, Baxter.
Bud advances slowly toward the door.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In scene 53, Bud arrives on the 27th floor, rehearsing his intentions to marry Miss Kubelik. However, upon entering Sheldrake's office, he discovers that Sheldrake has left his wife and plans to pursue Miss Kubelik, leaving Bud stunned. The conversation reveals a clash of intentions, with Bud wanting to marry her while Sheldrake assumes Bud is relinquishing her. The scene ends with Bud hesitantly moving toward an adjoining office, reflecting his internal conflict and the tension of the moment.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Revealing dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Relatively static setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-structured, revealing crucial information and advancing the plot significantly. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, creating a tense atmosphere. The emotional depth and character dynamics add layers to the narrative, making it a compelling and pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of the scene revolves around the revelation of Sheldrake's decision to take Miss Kubelik off Bud's hands, leading to a confrontation that exposes the complexities of their relationships. The concept is executed with depth and nuance, adding layers to the characters' motivations and actions.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the story, revealing significant developments in the characters' arcs and relationships. The conflict between Bud and Sheldrake drives the narrative forward, setting the stage for further complications and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace dynamics and personal relationships, blending elements of comedy and drama seamlessly. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with Bud and Sheldrake displaying depth and complexity in their interactions. The emotional nuances and conflicting motivations of the characters add richness to the scene, making it engaging and impactful.

Character Changes: 9

The scene leads to significant character changes, particularly in Bud's realization of his feelings for Miss Kubelik and his decision to confront Sheldrake about his intentions. Sheldrake's revelation about his personal life also marks a turning point in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his feelings of loneliness and gratitude towards Sheldrake, while also grappling with the idea of marrying the woman he loves. This reflects his deeper need for connection, fear of rejection, and desire for stability.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to inform Sheldrake about Miss Kubelik's well-being and her return home. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating his personal and professional relationships amidst changing circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, stemming from the characters' conflicting desires and motivations. The emotional stakes are high, driving the tension and drama of the confrontation between Bud and Sheldrake.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sheldrake's unexpected offer creating a dilemma for the protagonist and introducing a new layer of conflict that adds uncertainty to the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters grapple with personal and professional dilemmas that could have far-reaching consequences. The decisions made in this scene will impact the characters' relationships and future actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts and resolutions that will impact the narrative trajectory. The revelations and confrontations propel the plot towards its climax, creating momentum and intrigue for the audience.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Sheldrake's decision to intervene in the protagonist's personal life, adding layers of complexity and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, betrayal, and personal integrity. Sheldrake's actions challenge the protagonist's beliefs about trust and loyalty in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as the characters confront their past actions and face the consequences of their choices. The tension and drama evoke strong emotions in the audience, creating a compelling and memorable moment in the story.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. The exchanges between Bud and Sheldrake are tense and revealing, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue exchanges, shifting power dynamics, and the revelation of unexpected plot developments that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively through a balance of dialogue-driven moments and character actions, creating a rhythmic flow that propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, well-defined character interactions, and a buildup of tension leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively heightens the dramatic irony by having Bud enter with good news only to be blindsided by Sheldrake's revelation, which underscores the theme of miscommunication and exploitation central to the screenplay. However, Bud's character arc, which has been building toward assertiveness, feels slightly undermined here as his rehearsed speech is interrupted and dismissed, potentially making his growth less satisfying for the audience. This could confuse viewers who expect Bud to take more control after his recent experiences.
  • Dialogue in this scene is functional for plot advancement but occasionally lacks subtlety. For instance, Bud's line about marrying Fran and 'squaring things with her family' feels expository, spelling out his intentions too directly, which might reduce emotional authenticity. Sheldrake's humorous aside about being 'fired' by his wife adds levity and fits the film's tone, but it risks trivializing the gravity of infidelity and its consequences, especially given Fran's recent suicide attempt in earlier scenes.
  • Pacing is brisk, which suits the surprise element, but it might rush through Bud's emotional response to Sheldrake's news. The stunned reaction is noted, but more time could be spent on Bud's internal conflict—perhaps through visual cues or pauses—to allow the audience to fully absorb the shift in dynamics. This scene is pivotal, as it resolves one thread of the affair while setting up Bud's promotion, but the transition feels abrupt, potentially missing an opportunity to deepen the audience's empathy for Bud's disillusionment.
  • Visually, the suitcases in the corner are a strong indicator of Sheldrake's changed circumstances, providing subtle foreshadowing and enhancing the cinematic storytelling. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive action lines to convey the characters' physical and emotional states, such as Bud's hesitant steps or Sheldrake's confident pacing, to better illustrate the power imbalance and Bud's vulnerability.
  • Thematically, this scene reinforces the motif of characters being 'used'—Bud by Sheldrake, and Fran as a pawn in their interactions—but it doesn't fully explore the emotional toll on Bud. His arc from a passive 'schnook' to someone seeking agency is advanced, yet the irony of Sheldrake 'taking Fran off his hands' might come across as too coincidental, relying on the secretary's actions from a previous scene without sufficient buildup, which could make the plot feel contrived.
Suggestions
  • Extend Bud's reaction shots after Sheldrake's revelation to include more internal monologue or visual cues, like a close-up on his face or him clenching his fists, to better convey his shock and allow the audience to connect with his emotions.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it less expository; for example, have Bud's rehearsed speech be more fragmented or internalized, revealed through action rather than direct lines, to increase subtlety and realism.
  • Add a brief pause or moment of silence after key revelations to build tension and give weight to the emotional beats, ensuring the scene doesn't feel rushed and allows the audience to process the irony.
  • Incorporate more descriptive action to enhance visual storytelling, such as detailing Sheldrake's body language (e.g., smug smile) and Bud's hesitant movements, to emphasize the power dynamics without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Strengthen the thematic consistency by adding a small detail that ties back to earlier scenes, like a reference to the apartment key or Fran's suicide attempt, to make Sheldrake's twist feel more earned and less abrupt.



Scene 54 -  A Promotion with Strings Attached
INT. ADJOINING OFFICE - DAY
It is a slightly smaller and less lavish edition of Sheldrake
s office. Sheldrake ushers Bud through the door, points to
the chair behind the desk.
SHELDRAKE
Sit down. Try it on for size.
Bud obeys like an automaton, lowers himself into the chair.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
You like?
(indicating office)
It's all yours.
BUD
Mine?
SHELDRAKE
My assistant, Roy Thompson, has
been shifted to the Denver office,
and you're taking his place.
(no reaction from Bud)
What's the matter, Baxter? You
don't seem very excited.
BUD
Well, it's just that so many things
have been happening so fast -- I'm
very pleased -- especially for Miss
Kubelik. Now that I've gotten to
know her better, I think she's the
kind of girl that definitely ought
to be married to somebody --
SHELDRAKE
Oh, sure, sure. But first the
property settlement has to be
worked out -- then it takes six
weeks in Reno -- meanwhile, I'm
going to enjoy being a bachelor for
a while.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE (CONT'D)
(starts back toward his
own office)
Oh, by the way, you can now have
lunch in the executive dining room -
BUD
Yes, sir.
He removes his dark glasses reflectively.
SHELDRAKE
That's just one of the privileges
that goes with this job. You also
get a nice little expense account,
the use of the executive washroom --
(breaks off, peers at
Bud's face)
Say, what happened to you, Baxter?
BUD
I got kicked in the head, too.
SHELDRAKE
Oh?
With a shrug, he exits into his own office, closing the door
behind him. Bud sits there, unconsciously bending the glasses
in his hand until they suddenly snap in two. Bud glances down
at the two broken halves, as though surprised by his own
violence, tosses them on the desk.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Sheldrake brings Bud into a smaller office to announce his promotion, which Bud receives with mechanical compliance and underlying resentment. While Sheldrake excitedly lists the perks of the new position, he remains oblivious to Bud's discomfort and concerns about Miss Kubelik and the rapid changes in his life. Bud's internal conflict is highlighted when he breaks his dark glasses in frustration, symbolizing his struggle with the situation. The scene ends with Bud left alone, grappling with his emotions as Sheldrake exits, emphasizing the tension between their differing priorities.
Strengths
  • Effective tension building
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively static setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a significant plot development and emotional impact. The tension and surprise elements keep the audience engaged, while the resignation tone adds depth to the characters' emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of offering Bud a promotion adds depth to the narrative and sets up potential character growth. It introduces a new dynamic that can lead to further exploration of relationships and power struggles.

Plot: 8.5

The plot development in this scene is crucial as it sets the stage for potential changes in the characters' dynamics and relationships. The revelation of Sheldrake's decision to take Miss Kubelik off Bud's hands adds complexity to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of personal growth and self-realization within a corporate setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the familiar narrative of navigating workplace challenges.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene are authentic and contribute to the overall tension and emotional impact. Bud's internal conflict and Sheldrake's nonchalant attitude create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Bud experiences a significant shift in his circumstances with the offer of a promotion, which could lead to potential character growth. Sheldrake's decision also reveals new facets of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Bud's internal goal in this scene is to process the rapid changes happening in his life and come to terms with his feelings for Miss Kubelik. His reflection on her and the mention of her potential marriage highlight his deeper needs for stability and emotional connection.

External Goal: 7

Bud's external goal is to adapt to his new role as Sheldrake's assistant and navigate the expectations and privileges that come with it. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his promotion and the challenges of fitting into a new position of authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Bud grapples with the unexpected turn of events. The tension between Bud and Sheldrake adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Bud facing challenges in adapting to his new role and navigating the expectations of his superiors, adding a layer of uncertainty to the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised as Bud is faced with a life-changing decision regarding his career and personal relationships. The outcome of this scene could have significant repercussions for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new dynamic between Bud and Sheldrake. The offer of a promotion sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outburst from Bud when he breaks his glasses, adding a layer of complexity to his character.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between personal desires and societal expectations. Bud's internal conflict between his feelings for Miss Kubelik and the practicalities of property settlement and divorce procedures challenges his values and beliefs about relationships and responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to resignation to surprise. Bud's internal struggle and the revelation of Sheldrake's decision create a poignant moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The exchanges between Bud and Sheldrake reveal their conflicting perspectives and set the stage for future developments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between Bud and Sheldrake, the underlying tension in their conversation, and the hints at deeper emotional conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue exchanges and pauses, creating a sense of anticipation and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and a smooth transition to the next narrative beat.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Bud's internal conflict and disillusionment with his career advancement, serving as a pivotal moment in his character arc. The dialogue reveals Bud's shift from opportunistic ambition to moral awakening, particularly through his subdued response to the promotion and his concern for Miss Kubelik, which contrasts sharply with Sheldrake's self-centered attitude. This irony highlights the film's themes of ethical compromise and personal growth, making it accessible for readers to understand Bud's transformation without needing excessive exposition. However, the emotional weight might feel slightly muted for viewers unfamiliar with the preceding events, as Bud's lack of excitement could come across as passive rather than deeply conflicted, potentially diluting the scene's impact in a fast-paced narrative.
  • The visual elements, such as Bud breaking his dark glasses, are a strong symbolic device that underscores his frustration and breaking point, providing a clear, memorable image that aids audience understanding. It ties into the larger story by reinforcing Bud's rejection of the superficial perks of corporate life. That said, the scene could benefit from more detailed descriptions of Bud's physical and emotional state—such as facial expressions or subtle actions—to better convey his inner turmoil, helping writers improve by adding layers of subtext that make the scene more engaging and less reliant on dialogue alone.
  • Sheldrake's character is well-portrayed as manipulative and oblivious, with his casual listing of perks (like the executive washroom) emphasizing the hollowness of corporate success, which critiques the materialistic culture depicted in the script. This helps readers grasp the satirical tone of the film, but the dialogue occasionally feels expository, such as when Sheldrake explains the job perks, which might feel unnatural and could be streamlined to avoid telling rather than showing. For writers, this is an opportunity to enhance authenticity by incorporating more indirect methods of revealing information, like through actions or environmental details, to maintain dramatic tension.
  • The scene's pacing is efficient, advancing the plot by confirming Bud's promotion while escalating his personal crisis, which fits well in the late stages of the screenplay. However, the abrupt shift from Bud's attempted confession in the previous scene to this professional reward might confuse some viewers, as it doesn't fully resolve the emotional confrontation. Writers could improve this by adding transitional beats that better connect Bud's personal revelations to his professional life, ensuring the audience feels the weight of his disillusionment more acutely.
  • Overall, the scene successfully builds toward Bud's eventual stand against corruption, as seen in later scenes, and provides a moment of quiet intensity that contrasts with the more chaotic sequences. For readers, it underscores the film's exploration of loneliness and integrity, but it might lack sufficient conflict resolution, leaving Bud's character development feeling incomplete at this juncture. This could be addressed by writers through more nuanced interactions that deepen the power imbalance between Bud and Sheldrake, making the scene a stronger pivot point in the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Add more visual cues to Bud's emotional state, such as close-ups on his hands trembling or his eyes darting around the room, to make his internal conflict more vivid and engaging without overloading the dialogue.
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce exposition; for example, instead of Sheldrake explicitly listing job perks, show them through actions like Bud noticing a key to the executive washroom on the desk, allowing the audience to infer the privileges and heighten irony.
  • Incorporate a brief flashback or subtle reference to Bud's injury (e.g., a quick cut to his swollen eye) to remind viewers of the context from scene 51, ensuring the line 'I got kicked in the head, too' lands with more emotional resonance and clarity.
  • Extend the moment where Bud breaks his glasses by adding a pause or a reaction shot, emphasizing the symbolism and giving the audience time to absorb the significance, which could deepen the scene's impact and tie it more closely to themes of fragility and change.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing by shortening Sheldrake's monologue about his divorce plans to focus more on Bud's reactions, creating a tighter scene that builds tension and better prepares for the dissolve, while maintaining the scene's role in Bud's arc toward self-assertion.



Scene 55 -  Lonely Promotions
INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - EVENING
We are close on the building directory. Listed under
PERSONNEL is J.D. SHELDRAKE, Director, and just below that a
man's hand is inserting the name C.C. BAXTER in the slot
marked Asst. Director. The lettering is complete except for
the final R.
Camera pulls back to reveal the sign painter we saw earlier,
working on the directory. Watching him is Bud. He is wearing
his chesterfield and bowler, and still has a slight welt
under his left eye. It is after six o'clock, and there is
very little activity in the lobby. Fran, wearing her coat
over street clothes, approaches from the direction of the
elevators, stops when she sees Bud.
FRAN
Good evening, Mr. Baxter.
Bud turns to her in surprise, removes his bowler.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Oh, Miss Kubelik. How do you feel?
FRAN
Fine. How's your eye?
BUD
Fine.
There is a moment of constraint between them.
FRAN
How's everything at the apartment?
BUD
Nothing's changed. You know, we
never finished that gin game --
FRAN
I know.
(a beat)
I suppose you heard about Mr.
Sheldrake --?
BUD
You mean, leaving his wife? Yeah.
I'm very happy for you.
FRAN
I never thought he'd do it.
BUD
I told you all along. You see, you
were wrong about Mr. Sheldrake.
FRAN
I guess so.
BUD
For that matter, you were wrong
about me, too. What you said about
those who take and those who get
took? Well, Mr. Sheldrake wasn't
using me -- I was using him. See?
(indicating his name on
directory)
Last month I was at desk 861 on the
nineteenth floor -- now I'm on the
twenty-seventh floor, paneled
office, three windows -- so it all
worked out fine -- we're both
getting what we want.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
FRAN
Yes.
(looks at her watch)
You walking to the subway?
BUD
No, thank you.
(fumbling)
I -- well, to tell you the truth --
(glancing around lobby)
-- I have this heavy date for
tonight --
He points off toward the newsstand. Standing there is a tall,
attractive brunette, obviously waiting for someone. Fran
looks off in the indicated direction.
FRAN
Oh.
BUD
Aren't you meeting Mr. Sheldrake?
FRAN
No. You know how people talk. So I
decided it would be better if we
didn't see each other till
everything is settled, divorce-
wise.
BUD
That's very wise.
FRAN
Good night, Mr. Baxter.
BUD
Good night, Miss Kubelik.
Fran walks toward the revolving doors. Bud watches her for a
moment, then strides briskly across the lobby toward the
newsstand. He goes right past the waiting brunette, stops in
front of a rack of pocket books, examines the merchandise. A
man now comes out of a phone booth, joins the waiting
brunette, and they go off together. Bud picks out a couple of
paperbacks, pays the clerk behind the counter. Stuffing a
book into each coat pocket, he moves slowly toward the
revolving doors.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In the evening lobby of an insurance building, Bud Baxter watches as his name is added to the directory, marking his promotion. He and Fran Kubelik engage in a polite yet awkward conversation about their lives, revealing unspoken feelings and personal struggles. Bud lies about having a date to mask his loneliness, while Fran avoids discussing her relationship with Sheldrake. As they part ways, Bud's solitary actions of buying books highlight his isolation, culminating in a bittersweet farewell.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character introspection
  • Relationship dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively conveys a sense of reflection and acceptance through the characters' interactions, setting up emotional depth and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of characters facing unexpected changes and reevaluating their perspectives is well-developed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.4

The plot progression in this scene is crucial for character growth and relationship dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on office politics and personal relationships, blending humor with underlying tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8.9

The characters' emotional depth and evolving relationships drive the scene, showcasing vulnerability and resilience.

Character Changes: 9

Significant character growth and introspection occur, particularly in Bud and Fran, as they come to terms with their situations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound confidence and success, showcasing his ability to navigate office politics and relationships. This reflects his deeper desire for recognition and validation, as well as his fear of being seen as a pushover or insignificant.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a facade of success and independence, especially in front of his coworker, Fran. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal feelings with professional image in the workplace.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6.5

The conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on personal struggles and acceptance rather than external confrontations.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and tension, especially in the characters' conflicting desires and hidden agendas. The audience is left unsure of the outcome of their interactions.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are personal and emotional, they are high for the characters in terms of self-realization, acceptance, and relationship outcomes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character arcs, resolving conflicts, and setting up future narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, the characters' hidden motives, and the unexpected revelations in their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, self-worth, and manipulation. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power dynamics, personal agency, and the blurred lines between using and being used in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its introspective tone, character revelations, and poignant interactions.

Dialogue: 8.3

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and shifting dynamics, adding layers to their interactions.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension between the characters, the witty dialogue that reveals underlying emotions, and the dynamic between personal and professional relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and character actions that maintain the tension and progression of the interaction. It contributes to the scene's effectiveness by building anticipation and revealing character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively balances dialogue, character interactions, and setting descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the awkwardness and underlying tension between Bud and Fran, serving as a transitional moment that highlights Bud's insecurity and Fran's growing maturity. The dialogue reveals Bud's attempt to mask his loneliness with boasts about his promotion, which ties into the film's themes of deception and self-deception, making it a strong character beat. However, the conversation feels somewhat expository, with Bud's explanation of his career advancement coming across as overly declarative, which might reduce the natural flow and make it less engaging for the audience. As a reader or viewer, this could highlight Bud's internal conflict more vividly if the dialogue were subtler, allowing his body language and actions to convey more of his emotional state.
  • The visual elements, such as the incomplete name on the directory and Bud's interaction with the books at the newsstand, are cleverly used to symbolize his recent promotion and his habitual lying, adding layers of irony that enhance the scene's humor and pathos. This aligns well with the overall script's style of using everyday details to underscore character flaws. That said, the scene lacks deeper emotional resonance; Fran's responses are polite but detached, missing an opportunity to explore her internal turmoil more fully, especially given her recent experiences with Sheldrake and her suicide attempt. This could make the audience feel less connected to her character development in this key interaction.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene maintains a quiet, introspective tone that contrasts with the more dramatic preceding scenes, which is appropriate for building toward the climax. However, the constraint between Bud and Fran at the start feels a bit rushed, potentially undercutting the buildup of their chemistry. As a screenwriting teacher, I'd note that this moment could benefit from more beats—perhaps a lingering look or a hesitant pause—to heighten the unspoken attraction and tension, making the audience more invested in their potential romance. The lie about the 'heavy date' is a strong comedic element, but it might be more impactful if it were foreshadowed or tied more explicitly to Bud's earlier moral awakening, ensuring consistency with his character arc.
  • The ending, with Bud pretending to browse books while the woman leaves with someone else, is a poignant visual metaphor for his isolation, effectively closing the scene on a note of quiet despair. However, the transition feels somewhat abrupt, and the dissolve might not fully capitalize on the emotional weight. Critically, this scene could be strengthened by integrating more sensory details—such as the ambient sounds of the lobby or the cold evening light—to immerse the audience and reinforce the loneliness theme. Overall, while the scene advances the plot and character relationships, it occasionally prioritizes exposition over emotional depth, which could make it feel less cinematic in a film that relies heavily on subtle performances and irony.
  • From a structural perspective, as scene 55 in a 60-scene script, this moment serves as a breather before the resolution, allowing for character reflection. The dialogue effectively contrasts Bud's self-aggrandizement with Fran's understated wisdom, but it might benefit from more subtext to avoid telling rather than showing. For instance, Bud's line about using Sheldrake could be delivered with more vulnerability to reflect his recent growth, helping the audience understand his journey without overt explanation. This scene is crucial for setting up the final act, but it risks feeling static if not balanced with dynamic action or visual storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository; for example, have Bud hint at his promotion through actions or indirect comments rather than a direct explanation, allowing the audience to infer his changes and adding subtlety to his character.
  • Add more visual and non-verbal cues to enhance emotional depth, such as Bud fidgeting with his hat or avoiding eye contact when lying about his date, to better convey his insecurity and loneliness without relying solely on words.
  • Incorporate a small conflict or hesitation in the conversation to build tension, like Fran questioning Bud's boasting or Bud almost revealing his true feelings, which could make the interaction more engaging and foreshadow their future relationship.
  • Adjust the pacing by extending key moments, such as the initial greeting or Bud's walk to the newsstand, to allow for more reaction shots and build irony, ensuring the scene feels more cinematic and less dialogue-heavy.
  • Strengthen thematic ties by connecting Bud's lie about the date to his earlier deceptions in the story, perhaps through a callback to a previous scene, to reinforce his character arc and make the scene feel more integrated into the overall narrative.



Scene 56 -  The Key to Compromise
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY
Sheldrake is swiveled around sideways behind his desk, with a
bootblack kneeling in front of him, shining his shoes.
Reaching for the intercom, Sheldrake presses down one of the
levers.
SHELDRAKE
Baxter -- would you mind stepping
in here for a minute?
BAXTER'S VOICE
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
The bootblack finishes the second shoe with a flourish,
gathers up his equipment. Sheldrake tosses him a half dollar.
BOOTBLACK
Much obliged.
He exits into the anteroom as the door of the adjoining
office opens and Bud comes in, carrying several charts. There
is no trace left of his black eye.
BUD
(putting charts on desk)
Here's the breakdown of figures on
personnel turnover. Thirty-seven
percent of our female employees
leave to get married, twenty-two
percent quit because --
SHELDRAKE
(breaking in)
You're working too hard, Baxter.
It's New Year's Eve -- relax.
BUD
Yes, sir.
SHELDRAKE
I suppose you'll be on the town
tonight -- celebrating?
BUD
Naturally.
SHELDRAKE
Me, too. I'm taking Miss Kubelik
out -- I finally talked her into
it...
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
I see.
SHELDRAKE
The only thing is I'm staying at
the Athletic Club -- and it's
strictly stag so if you don't
mind...
BUD
Don't mind what?
SHELDRAKE
You know that other key to your
apartment -- well, when we had that
little scare about Miss Kubelik, I
thought I'd better get rid of it
quick -- so I threw it out the
window of the commuter train.
BUD
Very clever.
SHELDRAKE
Now I'll have to borrow your key.
BUD
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.
SHELDRAKE
What do you mean, sorry?
BUD
You're not going to bring anybody
up to my apartment.
SHELDRAKE
I'm not just bringing anybody --
I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
BUD
Especially not Miss Kubelik.
SHELDRAKE
How's that again?
BUD
(flatly)
No key!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE
Baxter, I picked you for my team
because I thought you were a bright
young man. You realize what you're
doing? Not to me -- but to
yourself. Normally it takes years
to work your way up to the twenty-
seventh floor -- but it takes only
thirty seconds to be out on the
street again. You dig?
BUD
(nodding slowly)
I dig.
SHELDRAKE
So what's it going to be?
Without taking his eyes off Sheldrake, Bud reaches into his
pocket, fishes out a key, drops it on the desk.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
Now you're being bright?
BUD
Thank you, sir.
He turns abruptly, starts back into his own office.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Sheldrake's office, Bud Baxter is pressured into lending his apartment key for Sheldrake's date with Miss Kubelik. Initially resistant due to moral objections, Bud faces threats to his job and career advancement from Sheldrake. Despite his initial defiance, Bud ultimately submits to the coercive pressure, handing over the key before leaving the office in frustration.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Clear power play dynamics
  • Crucial decision-making moment
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, intense, and crucial for character development, but lacks a bit of emotional depth and complexity.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power play and decision-making is well portrayed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses significantly as Bud faces a crucial choice that will impact his relationship with Sheldrake and his career.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on office politics and power struggles, blending humor with serious themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Character dynamics are well-developed, especially between Bud and Sheldrake, showcasing their conflicting interests and personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Bud undergoes a significant internal change as he decides to give in to Sheldrake's demands, showcasing his character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Baxter's internal goal is to navigate the power dynamics in the office while maintaining his integrity and principles. He wants to please his boss, Sheldrake, but also stay true to himself.

External Goal: 7.5

Baxter's external goal is to handle the situation with the key to his apartment and maintain his professional standing in the office.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict between Bud and Sheldrake is palpable, creating tension and driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Baxter facing a dilemma that challenges his principles and threatens his position in the office.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Bud must choose between his principles and career advancement, impacting his future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up a crucial turning point for Bud and his relationship with Sheldrake.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and the unexpected choices made by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict lies in the clash between personal integrity and professional advancement. Baxter must decide whether to compromise his values to please his boss or stand firm in his beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

While the scene is emotionally charged, it could have delved deeper into the characters' emotions to enhance impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of highlighting the power struggle and Bud's internal conflict effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the witty dialogue, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to follow the dialogue and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure for a dialogue-driven office setting, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • This scene effectively highlights the power imbalance between Sheldrake and Bud, using dialogue to reveal Sheldrake's manipulative nature and Bud's ongoing internal conflict. It builds tension through their confrontation over the apartment key, which serves as a metaphor for Bud's loss of personal agency and ties into the broader theme of moral compromise in a corporate environment. However, Bud's quick capitulation after initial resistance feels somewhat abrupt and may undermine the character development established in prior scenes, where he begins to assert himself, potentially making his arc appear inconsistent or less believable to the audience.
  • The dialogue is crisp and functional, exposing the characters' motivations and the stakes involved, but it occasionally veers into exposition that feels too on-the-nose, such as Sheldrake's explicit threat to Bud's career. This directness can reduce subtlety, making the conflict less nuanced and the scene feel more like a plot device than a deeply emotional moment. Additionally, the inclusion of the bootblack character adds a minor visual element but doesn't significantly contribute to the scene's tension or themes, coming across as superfluous and distracting from the core confrontation.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on dialogue and character positioning, with Sheldrake's casual posture (getting his shoes shined) contrasting Bud's more rigid demeanor, which effectively conveys their social statuses. However, there's an opportunity to enhance emotional depth through more descriptive actions or facial expressions that show Bud's turmoil, such as hesitations or physical ticks, which could make the audience more invested. Overall, while the scene advances the plot by setting up future events (Sheldrake's use of the apartment), it could better integrate with Bud's growth arc by showing a more prolonged struggle, helping readers understand his transformation as gradual rather than sporadic.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene moves quickly, which suits its purpose as a pivotal moment in the story, but it might benefit from slight expansion to allow the conflict to breathe. The rapid resolution could leave viewers feeling that Bud's moral stance is easily overridden, diminishing the emotional payoff. Furthermore, as this is scene 56 out of 60, it's in the latter part of the script, so it should reinforce the protagonist's journey toward self-respect; here, it partially does this by showing Bud's initial refusal, but the quick reversal might confuse audiences about his development if not contextualized strongly with the preceding scenes.
Suggestions
  • Extend Bud's resistance in the dialogue to include specific reasons tied to his recent experiences, such as referencing his injury or the suicide attempt, to make his refusal more personal and tied to his character arc, thereby strengthening the emotional stakes and showing growth.
  • Incorporate more visual elements to convey tension, such as Bud clenching his fists or avoiding eye contact, and use the bootblack's presence more symbolically—perhaps have him overhear or react subtly to the conversation—to add layers without distraction, or consider removing him if he doesn't serve a clear purpose.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext and less direct exposition; for example, have Sheldrake imply threats through casual remarks rather than stating them outright, allowing the audience to infer the power dynamics and making the scene feel more naturalistic and engaging.
  • Add a small beat after Bud hands over the key, such as a moment of silence or a close-up on his face showing regret, to emphasize the internal conflict and provide a stronger emotional transition, ensuring the scene feels more resolved or sets up future tension effectively.
  • Connect this scene more explicitly to the overall narrative by having Bud reference his promotion or recent interactions with Fran, reinforcing how his moral awakening is being tested and making the scene a pivotal point in his character development rather than an isolated conflict.



Scene 57 -  A Bold Departure
INT. BUD'S NEW OFFICE - DAY
Bud comes in, shutting the door behind him, stands rooted to
the spot for a moment. Then he takes some pencils out of his
breast pocket and drops them into a container on the desk,
closes his account book, slams a couple of open file drawers
shut. As he crosses to the clothes closet, the connecting
door opens and Sheldrake comes in, key in hand.
SHELDRAKE
Say, Baxter -- you gave me the
wrong key.
BUD
No I didn't.
SHELDRAKE
(holding it out)
But this is the key to the
executive washroom.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I
won't be needing it -- because I'm
all washed up around here.
He has taken his chesterfield and bowler out of the closet,
and is putting the coat on.
SHELDRAKE
What's gotten into you, Baxter?
BUD
Just following doctor's orders.
I've decided to become a mensch.
You know what that means? A human
being.
SHELDRAKE
Now hold on, Baxter --
BUD
Save it. The old payola won't work
any more. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
He opens the door to the anteroom, starts out.
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY
Bud comes out of his office, carrying his bowler, strides
past the secretaries and through the glass doors to the
foyer. An elevator is just unloading, and beside it a
handyman is cleaning out one of the cigarette receptacles.
Bud crosses to the elevator, and as he passes the handyman,
he jams his bowler on the man's head -- surrendering his
crown, so to speak. The elevator doors close. The handyman
straightens up, looks around in bewilderment.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In scene 57, Bud decisively quits his job, confronting Sheldrake's attempts to control him. He tidies his office, symbolically rejects his old life by donning his coat and hat, and declares his intention to become a 'mensch.' As he leaves, he places his bowler hat on a handyman's head, signifying his surrender of status. The scene ends with Bud entering the elevator, leaving Sheldrake confused and the handyman bewildered.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Relatively contained setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is impactful, showcasing Bud's transformation and newfound assertiveness in a poignant and memorable way. The dialogue and actions are compelling, setting the stage for significant character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of personal growth and self-empowerment is central to the scene, highlighting Bud's journey towards self-respect and independence.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene is significant as it marks a turning point for Bud's character, moving him towards a new chapter in his life where he prioritizes his own well-being.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of moral redemption in a corporate setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Bud, are well-developed in this scene, with Bud's transformation being the focal point. Sheldrake's role also adds depth to the conflict and resolution.

Character Changes: 10

Bud undergoes a significant character change in this scene, transitioning from a passive and accommodating individual to a self-assured and empowered person who prioritizes his own well-being.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound sense of self-worth and integrity. Bud wants to break free from the corrupt practices he has been involved in and redefine himself as a 'mensch,' a human being with moral values.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to leave his job and the manipulative environment of the office. He wants to make a statement by quitting and standing up for his principles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict between Bud and Sheldrake adds tension to the scene, highlighting the internal and external struggles faced by Bud as he asserts his newfound independence.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from Sheldrake and the office culture. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Bud as he confronts Sheldrake and makes a bold decision to prioritize his own happiness over career advancement, risking potential consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by shifting the dynamics between Bud and Sheldrake, setting the stage for new conflicts and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected decision of the protagonist to quit his job and the tension between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between personal integrity and corporate corruption. Bud's decision to leave his job challenges the values of the office culture and questions the morality of the characters involved.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly empathy and admiration for Bud's courage and self-realization. The transformation is deeply moving and resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting Bud's internal struggle and eventual decision to assert himself. The exchanges between Bud and Sheldrake are tense and revealing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict, emotional stakes, and the protagonist's transformation. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected norms of screenplay format, making the scene easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure that effectively builds tension and emotional resonance. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures a pivotal moment in Bud's character arc, showcasing his moral awakening and rejection of the corrupt system that has defined his career. The dialogue, particularly Bud's line about becoming a 'mensch,' succinctly conveys his internal transformation, making it accessible for the audience while reinforcing themes of personal integrity and growth. However, the explanation feels slightly on-the-nose, potentially undermining the subtlety that could make the moment more emotionally resonant; it tells rather than shows Bud's change, which might alienate viewers who prefer inferred development. Visually, the act of Bud giving his bowler hat to the handyman is a strong symbolic gesture, representing his abandonment of ambition and identity tied to corporate climbing, but it could be more impactful if contextualized with a brief reaction shot or additional detail to emphasize the weight of this action. The pacing is brisk and decisive, fitting for a late-stage scene that advances the plot, but it risks feeling abrupt without sufficient buildup from the previous scene, where Bud's reluctance was already established; this could make his decision seem impulsive rather than the culmination of his journey. Overall, while the scene advances the narrative by resolving Bud's complicity in Sheldrake's schemes, it lacks deeper exploration of his emotional state, such as showing physical manifestations of anxiety or regret, which might help viewers connect more profoundly with his transformation in the context of the film's romantic and ethical themes.
  • Sheldrake's character is portrayed consistently as authoritative and self-centered, with his casual dismissal of Bud's concerns highlighting the power imbalance in their relationship. This interaction underscores the film's critique of corporate culture, but Sheldrake's dialogue comes across as somewhat one-dimensional, focusing primarily on confrontation without revealing new layers to his personality; for instance, his reaction to Bud's rebellion could include a flicker of vulnerability or surprise to make him a more nuanced antagonist. The setting in Bud's new office symbolizes his recent promotion, contrasting with his decision to walk away, which is thematically rich, but the visual description could be more detailed to heighten the irony—such as lingering on the office's luxuries that Bud is rejecting. In terms of screen time, the scene is concise, allowing for efficient storytelling in a late-act sequence, but it might benefit from a slight extension to include a moment of silence or reflection after Sheldrake exits, giving Bud (and the audience) space to process the shift. Finally, the dissolve at the end transitions smoothly to the next scene, maintaining the film's rhythmic flow, but it could be more effective if tied to a stronger emotional beat, ensuring that Bud's exit feels like a definitive turning point rather than a quick resolution.
  • The scene's strengths lie in its clear progression of conflict and resolution, with Bud's firm rejection serving as a satisfying character beat for those following his arc. However, it could improve in balancing the comedic and dramatic elements; the film often blends humor with serious themes, but here the humor (e.g., the hat exchange) feels somewhat disconnected from the gravity of Bud's decision, potentially diluting the emotional impact. Additionally, while the dialogue drives the scene forward, it lacks subtext that could engage viewers more deeply— for example, Bud's line about being 'all washed up' could imply deeper regret or hope through non-verbal cues, enhancing the scene's depth. In the broader context of the screenplay, this scene marks a shift toward Bud's independence, but it might not fully capitalize on the romantic subplot with Fran, as her absence here could be addressed with a subtle reference to heighten the stakes. Overall, the scene is functional and advances the plot, but it could be elevated by incorporating more sensory details or internal monologue to make Bud's transformation more visceral and relatable to the audience.
Suggestions
  • Add more visual cues to show Bud's internal conflict, such as a close-up of his hands trembling or a brief flashback to earlier scenes where he was complicit, to make his decision feel more earned and emotionally charged.
  • Refine the dialogue to include subtext; for instance, instead of Bud explicitly stating he's becoming a 'mensch,' have him imply it through actions or a cryptic remark, allowing the audience to infer his growth and adding layers to the conversation.
  • Extend the symbolic moment of Bud giving away his bowler hat by including a reaction from the handyman or a cutaway to Bud's face, emphasizing the finality of his change and tying it more closely to the film's themes of identity and redemption.
  • Incorporate a brief pause or moment of silence after Bud's key rejection to build tension and give weight to his exit, ensuring the scene doesn't feel rushed and allows the audience to absorb the significance of his choice.
  • Connect the scene more explicitly to the overarching narrative by having Bud reference Fran or the apartment in a way that foreshadows future events, strengthening the link between his personal growth and the romantic subplot.



Scene 58 -  New Year's Reflections
INT. THE APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bud is in the process of packing. In the middle of the living
room are several large cardboard cartons filled with his
possessions. The art posters are off the walls, the bric-a-
brac has been removed from the shelves, and Bud is stowing
away the last of his books and records.
He crosses to the fireplace, opens one of the drawers in the
cabinet above it, takes out a forty-five automatic. He holds
the gun in the palm of his hand, studies it appraisingly. The
doorbell rings. Bud snaps out of his reverie, drops the gun
into one of the cartons, goes to the door and opens it.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
Standing outside is Dr. Dreyfuss, with a plastic ice bucket
in his hand.
DR. DREYFUSS
Say, Baxter -- we're having a
little party and we ran out of ice -
- so I was wondering --
BUD
Sure, Doc.
DR. DREYFUSS
(stepping inside)
How come you're alone on New Year's
Eve?
BUD
Well, I have things to do --
DR. DREYFUSS
(noticing cartons)
What's this -- you packing?
BUD
Yeah -- I'm giving up the
apartment.
He goes into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, starts to
pry out the ice-cube trays.
DR. DREYFUSS
Where are you moving to?
BUD
I don't know. All I know is I got
to get out of this place.
DR. DREYFUSS
Sorry to lose you, Baxter.
BUD
Me? Oh, you mean my body. Don't
worry, Doc -- it'll go to the
University -- I'll put it in
writing --
He dumps the ice-cubes, still in their trays, into the bucket
Dr. Dreyfuss is holding. Then he pulls Kirkeby's unopened
bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator.
BUD (CONT’D)
Can you use a bottle of champagne?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
DR. DREYFUSS
Booze we don't need. Why don't you
join us, Baxter? We got two brain
surgeons, an ear, nose and throat
specialist, a proctologist, and
three nurses from Bellevue.
BUD
No, thanks -- I don't feel like it.
Look, Doc -- in case I don't see
you again -- how much do I owe you
for taking care of that girl?
DR. DREYFUSS
Forget it -- I didn't do it as a
doctor -- I did it as a neighbor.
(stopping in doorway)
By the way, whatever happened to
her?
BUD
(airily)
You know me with girls. Easy come,
easy go. Goodbye, Doc.
DR. DREYFUSS
Happy New Year.
Bud closes the door, returns to the kitchen, brings out a box
of glassware and the tennis racquet. As he starts to deposit
the racquet in a carton, he notices a strand of spaghetti
clinging to the strings. He removes it gently, stands there
twirling the limp spaghetti absently around his finger.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary On New Year's Eve, Bud packs his apartment, contemplating a gun before being interrupted by his neighbor, Dr. Dreyfuss, who asks for ice for a party. Their conversation reveals Bud's emotional detachment and desire to leave without a plan. Despite Dr. Dreyfuss's friendly invitation to join the party, Bud declines, showcasing his isolation. After Dr. Dreyfuss leaves, Bud continues packing, reflecting on his life as he twirls a strand of spaghetti from his tennis racquet, symbolizing his lingering memories and internal struggles.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of character emotions
  • Symbolic setting and actions
  • Natural dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Bud's emotional state and sets up a sense of closure and transition. It provides a reflective moment for the character and hints at significant changes to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Bud packing up his apartment symbolizes a significant turning point in his life. It sets the stage for character development and hints at the themes of change and moving forward.

Plot: 8

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it serves as a crucial moment for Bud's character development. It adds depth to his journey and sets the stage for upcoming events.

Originality: 7.5

The scene introduces a familiar situation of moving out but adds originality through the protagonist's witty banter and the subtle exploration of themes like change and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene focuses on Bud's character, showcasing his introspection and decision-making process. Dr. Dreyfuss also adds depth to the interaction, highlighting Bud's relationships with others.

Character Changes: 7

Bud undergoes a subtle shift in this scene as he prepares to leave his old life behind, setting the stage for potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with leaving his current life behind and starting anew. This reflects his deeper need for change, his fear of stagnation, and his desire for a fresh start.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to pack up his belongings and prepare to move out of the apartment. This reflects the immediate circumstance of his physical relocation and the challenges of leaving behind his current life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene has low conflict, focusing more on internal struggles and emotional resolution.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the neighbor's casual inquiries and the protagonist's internal struggle adding a layer of conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal reflection and transition.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't propel the main plot forward significantly, it lays the groundwork for Bud's personal journey and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor in serious moments, the protagonist's ambiguous responses, and the uncertain outcome of his departure.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between embracing change and holding onto the past. The protagonist's decision to leave symbolizes a shift in values and priorities, challenging his beliefs about stability and comfort.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of reflection and emotional depth, particularly in Bud's contemplative moments.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' emotions. It conveys Bud's resignation and Dr. Dreyfuss's concern effectively.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue exchanges, the tension of the protagonist's decision to leave, and the curiosity surrounding his interactions with the neighbor.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection with dialogue exchanges, creating a rhythm that builds tension and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that aids in the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the protagonist's situation, interactions with other characters, and a sense of closure as the scene progresses.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures Bud's introspective state and his desire for change, serving as a pivotal moment in his character arc. The packing of belongings symbolizes his rejection of the past lifestyle that involved compromising his morals for career advancement, which aligns well with the buildup from previous scenes where Bud quits his job and stands up to Sheldrake. The interruption by Dr. Dreyfuss adds a layer of realism and provides a contrast between Bud's isolation and the communal joy of New Year's Eve celebrations elsewhere, highlighting his loneliness. However, the gun contemplation feels abrupt and potentially melodramatic; without stronger foreshadowing from earlier scenes, it might come across as a clichéd device for showing inner turmoil, risking audience disengagement if not handled with subtlety. The dialogue with Dr. Dreyfuss is functional but somewhat expository, reiterating Bud's character traits and past events in a way that feels forced, which could undermine the natural flow and make the scene less dynamic for viewers.
  • Visually, the scene uses strong symbolic elements, such as the spaghetti strand, which cleverly callbacks to Bud's dinner with Fran in an earlier scene, reinforcing themes of lost opportunities and emotional connections. This moment of Bud twirling the spaghetti absently is a poignant touch that conveys his regret and reflection without words, but it might be underutilized if the audience doesn't immediately recall the reference, potentially diluting its impact. The tone shifts from tense introspection to a brief, light-hearted exchange with Dr. Dreyfuss, which mirrors Bud's internal conflict but could be smoother to avoid jarring the audience. Overall, while the scene advances Bud's development toward becoming a 'mensch' as advised by Dr. Dreyfuss in prior scenes, it lacks deeper emotional beats that could make Bud's transformation more resonant, such as showing more physical or facial expressions of his turmoil to engage the reader or viewer on a visceral level.
  • In terms of pacing, this scene feels somewhat slow and contemplative, which suits the character's state but might not hold attention in a film context if it's part of a longer sequence of reflective moments. The New Year's Eve setting is thematically appropriate, emphasizing themes of new beginnings and resolution, but it could be more integrated to heighten the contrast between Bud's solitary packing and the implied festivities outside, perhaps by adding auditory elements like distant party noises or fireworks to underscore his isolation. Additionally, the scene's resolution with Bud's absent-minded action feels abrupt, leaving the audience with a sense of unresolved tension that could be intentional for building to the finale, but it might benefit from a clearer emotional payoff to satisfy the narrative arc up to this point. As a teaching point, this scene demonstrates good use of props and setting for character revelation, but it could improve by balancing introspection with more active conflict to maintain momentum.
Suggestions
  • Add subtle foreshadowing for the gun element earlier in the script, such as mentioning Bud's ownership or handling of it in a previous scene, to make its appearance here feel more organic and less sudden.
  • Refine the dialogue with Dr. Dreyfuss to be more indirect and character-driven; for example, have Dr. Dreyfuss probe Bud's emotions through questions about his future plans rather than directly referencing past events, making the conversation feel more natural and revealing.
  • Enhance the visual symbolism by expanding on the spaghetti moment—perhaps have Bud pause longer, associating it with a specific memory of Fran, to strengthen the emotional connection and make the motif more impactful for the audience.
  • Incorporate sensory details to improve pacing and immersion, such as sounds of New Year's celebrations from neighboring apartments or the ticking of a clock, to create a sense of urgency and contrast Bud's stillness with the world's movement.
  • Introduce a small action or internal conflict during the packing sequence to heighten tension, like Bud hesitating over an item related to Sheldrake or Fran, to deepen the emotional layer and provide a smoother transition into his reflective state.



Scene 59 -  Midnight Departure
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
It is five minutes before midnight, New Year's Eve. Sitting
alone in the last booth is Fran, a paper hat on her head, a
pensive look on her face. There are two champagne glasses on
the table, and the usual noisemakers, but the chair opposite
her is empty.
Above the general hubbub, the Chinese pianist can be heard
playing. After a moment, Fran glances off. Threading his way
through the merrymakers crowding the bar and overflowing from
the booths is Sheldrake. He is in dinner clothes, topped by a
paper hat. Reaching the last booth, he drops into the chair
facing Fran.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
SHELDRAKE
Sorry it took me so long on the
phone. But we're all set.
FRAN
All set for what?
SHELDRAKE
I rented a car -- it's going to be
here at one o'clock -- we're
driving to Atlantic City.
FRAN
Atlantic City?
SHELDRAKE
I know it's a drag -- but you can't
find a hotel room in town -- not on
New Year's Eve.
FRAN
(a long look at Sheldrake)
Ring out the old year, ring in the
new. Ring-a-ding-ding.
SHELDRAKE
I didn't plan it this way, Fran --
actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
FRAN
Baxter?
SHELDRAKE
He wouldn't give me the key to the
apartment.
FRAN
He wouldn't.
SHELDRAKE
Just walked out on me -- quit --
threw that big fat job right in my
face.
FRAN
(a faint smile)
The nerve.
SHELDRAKE
That little punk -- after all I did
for him!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
SHELDRAKE (CONT'D)
He said I couldn't bring anybody to
his apartment -- especially not
Miss Kubelik. What's he got against
you, anyway?
FRAN
(a faraway look in her
eye)
I don't know. I guess that's the
way it crumbles -- cookie-wise.
SHELDRAKE
What are you talking about?
FRAN
I'd spell it out for you -- only I
can't spell.
The piano player is consulting the watch on his upraised left
arm. He drops the arm in a signal, and the lights go out. At
the same time, he strikes up AULD LANG SYNE. All over the
dimly lit room, couples get to their feet, embracing and
joining in the song. In the last booth, Sheldrake leans
across the table, kisses Fran.
SHELDRAKE
Happy New Year, Fran.
Fran's expression is preoccupied. Sheldrake faces in the
direction of the pianist, and holding his glass aloft, sings
along with the others. As AULD LANG SYNE comes to an end, the
place explodes noisily -- there is a din of horns, ratchets,
and shouted greetings. The lights come up again. In the last
booth, Sheldrake turns back toward Fran -- but she is no
longer there. Her paper hat lies abandoned on her vacated
chair.
SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
Fran --
(looking around)
-- where are you, Fran?
He rises, cranes his neck, trying to spot her in the crowd.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary On New Year's Eve in a crowded Chinese restaurant, Fran sits alone, wearing a paper hat and feeling detached as Sheldrake arrives late, frustrated by his plans and Baxter's actions. Their conversation is laced with sarcasm and emotional distance, highlighting their strained relationship. As midnight approaches, the festive atmosphere contrasts with their personal dissatisfaction. When the lights come back on after the celebrations, Fran has mysteriously left, leaving her paper hat behind, while Sheldrake, confused and searching for her, realizes her absence.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Subtle character interactions
  • Reflective atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and introspection, setting a reflective tone for the characters. The dialogue and actions reveal underlying tensions and regrets, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring unspoken emotions and regrets on New Year's Eve provides a poignant backdrop for character development. The scene effectively delves into the complexities of relationships and personal choices.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene revolves around the emotional dynamics between Fran and Sheldrake, adding depth to their characters and hinting at unresolved conflicts. It serves as a crucial moment in their individual arcs.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on a familiar setting and situation, infusing it with unique character dynamics and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Fran and Sheldrake are richly portrayed, showcasing their vulnerabilities and hidden desires. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotional depth, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

Both Fran and Sheldrake experience subtle shifts in their emotional states during the scene, hinting at potential growth or realization. Their interactions reveal deeper layers of their personalities and desires.

Internal Goal: 8

Fran's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her feelings towards Sheldrake and the situation they find themselves in. She grapples with her emotions, desires, and the complexities of her relationship with Sheldrake.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to celebrate New Year's Eve despite the unexpected turn of events. Fran must decide whether to go along with Sheldrake's plan or assert her own desires.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the unresolved feelings and regrets of the characters rather than external confrontations. It adds depth to the narrative but is subtle in its presentation.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and uncertainty to Fran and Sheldrake's interactions, creating a sense of tension and unresolved conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While the emotional stakes are high for Fran and Sheldrake in terms of their personal regrets and unfulfilled desires, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene. The focus is more on internal conflicts and resolutions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene contributes to character development and emotional depth, moving the narrative forward by exploring the complexities of Fran and Sheldrake's relationship. It sets the stage for potential resolutions and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and the unexpected turn of events, keeping the audience intrigued about Fran and Sheldrake's choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around personal agency and the choices individuals make in relationships. Fran's interactions with Sheldrake highlight conflicting values and expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from viewers, drawing them into the characters' internal struggles and unspoken emotions. The bittersweet atmosphere and reflective tone leave a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and laden with subtext, conveying unspoken emotions and regrets between Fran and Sheldrake. It adds depth to their relationship and enhances the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic dialogue, emotional tension, and the unresolved conflict between the characters. The audience is drawn into Fran and Sheldrake's complex relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for impactful character moments and dialogue exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene effectively captures the emotional tension and character dynamics in a pivotal moment near the end of the screenplay, serving as a turning point for Fran's character arc. It highlights her growing disillusionment with Sheldrake and subtly foreshadows her shift towards Bud, which is crucial for the resolution in scene 60. The use of the New Year's Eve setting is clever, providing a symbolic backdrop that contrasts the festive, hopeful atmosphere of the restaurant with the characters' personal despair and isolation, emphasizing themes of loneliness and missed opportunities that permeate the script. However, the dialogue occasionally feels overly expository, with lines like 'He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment' directly referencing previous events (from scenes 56 and 57), which might disrupt the scene's flow by prioritizing plot recap over organic character interaction. This could make the scene less immersive for viewers who are deeply engaged, as it assumes they remember specific details from earlier scenes without sufficient subtlety. Additionally, Fran's sarcasm, while consistent with her character, borders on caricature in moments like 'Ring-a-ding-ding' and 'I'd spell it out for you -- only I can't spell,' which might undermine the emotional depth by making her responses feel too witty or rehearsed, potentially reducing the authenticity of her pain and making her departure less surprising or impactful. The visual elements, such as the crowded restaurant and the midnight blackout, are well-utilized to heighten drama and isolation, but the scene could benefit from more detailed descriptions of facial expressions or body language to convey Fran's internal conflict more vividly, as the current script relies heavily on dialogue to carry the emotional weight. Overall, while the scene advances the plot efficiently and builds suspense towards Fran's exit, it risks feeling rushed in its resolution, with her disappearance coming across as abrupt without enough buildup of her dissatisfaction, which could make the transition to the next scene feel unearned for some audiences.
  • In terms of character development, this scene reinforces Sheldrake's self-centered and manipulative nature, as seen in his casual dismissal of Bud and focus on his own inconveniences, which aligns with his arc throughout the script. However, this consistency might make him too one-dimensional, lacking nuance that could humanize him slightly and make his downfall more poignant. Fran's role here is strong in showing her agency and quiet rebellion, but her lines could explore her emotions more deeply, perhaps through introspection or subtle actions, to better connect with the audience's empathy. The scene's placement as scene 59 allows it to serve as a climactic buildup, but it might not fully capitalize on the comedic and dramatic elements established earlier, such as the recurring motif of the apartment key, which is referenced but not given fresh visual or thematic treatment here. Pacing-wise, the scene moves quickly from dialogue to the New Year's Eve interruption, which is effective for surprise, but it could use more pauses or beats to let the tension simmer, making Fran's exit more emotionally resonant. From a reader's perspective, the scene is clear and easy to follow, but it might benefit from additional sensory details—like the sounds of the crowd or the feel of the paper hat—to immerse the reader more fully in the setting and enhance the bittersweet tone. Finally, the dissolve at the end ties into the film's visual style, but it could be critiqued for not lingering on Sheldrake's reaction, which might leave some ambiguity about his emotional state, potentially weakening the scene's impact as a moment of rejection and change.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to reduce exposition and add subtext; for example, instead of directly stating 'He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment,' have Sheldrake allude to it more indirectly through frustration or a rhetorical question, allowing the audience to infer connections to prior events without heavy-handed recap.
  • Enhance Fran's character depth by incorporating more physical actions or facial expressions that show her growing discomfort, such as fidgeting with her paper hat or glancing towards the exit earlier in the scene, to build suspense and make her departure feel more organic and less sudden.
  • Add visual or auditory details to the restaurant setting to heighten contrast and atmosphere, like describing other couples' joyful embraces during the blackout to underscore Fran's isolation, which could amplify the emotional stakes and reinforce the theme of loneliness.
  • Extend the pacing slightly by including a brief pause or silent moment after key lines, such as after Fran's sarcastic remarks, to allow the audience to absorb the tension and make the New Year's Eve interruption more impactful, ensuring the scene doesn't feel rushed.
  • Incorporate subtle hints of Fran's internal conflict through props or blocking, such as her holding onto her bag tightly or avoiding eye contact, to foreshadow her exit and provide clearer motivation, helping the reader understand her decision without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 60 -  A New Beginning
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT
Fran, a coat thrown over the dress she was wearing at the
Rickshaw, comes down the street almost at a run. There is a
happy, expectant look on her face. She hurries up the steps
of the house and through the front door.

INT. STAIRCASE AND SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT
Fran mounts the stairs eagerly. As she reaches the landing
and heads for Bud's apartment, there is a loud, sharp report
from inside. Fran freezes momentarily, then rushes to the
door.
FRAN
Mr. Baxter!
(pounding on door)
Mr. Baxter! Mr. Baxter!
The door opens and there stands Bud, the bottle of champagne
he has just uncorked still foaming over in his hand. He
stares at Fran unbelievingly.
FRAN (CONT’D)
(sagging with relief)
Are you all right?
BUD
I'm fine.
FRAN
Are you sure? How's your knee?
BUD
I'm fine all over.
FRAN
Mind if I come in?
BUD
(still stunned)
Of course not.
INT. THE APARTMENT - NIGHT
Fran comes in and Bud shuts the door. The room is the same as
we left it, except for an empty champagne glass standing on
the coffee table.
BUD
Let me get another glass.
He goes to one of the cartons, takes out a champagne glass
wrapped in newspaper, starts to unwrap it.
FRAN
(looking around)
Where are you going?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
BUD
Who knows? Another neighborhood --
another town -- another job -- I'm
on my own.
FRAN
That's funny -- so am I.
(Bud, pouring champagne,
looks up at her)
What did you do with the cards?
BUD
(indicating carton)
In there.
Fran takes the deck of cards and the gin rummy score pad out
of the carton, settles herself on the couch, starts to
shuffle the cards expertly.
BUD (CONT’D)
What about Mr. Sheldrake?
FRAN
I'm going to send him a fruit cake
every Christmas.
Bud sinks down happily on the couch, and Fran holds out the
deck to him.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Cut.
Bud cuts a card, but doesn't look at it.
BUD
I love you, Miss Kubelik.
FRAN
(cutting a card)
Seven --
(looking at Bud's card)
-- queen.
She hands the deck to Bud.
BUD
Did you hear what I said, Miss
Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
FRAN
(smiling)
Shut up and deal!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (2)
Bud begins to deal, never taking his eyes off her. Fran
removes her coat, starts picking up her cards and arranging
them. Bud, a look of pure joy on his face, deals -- and deals
-- and keeps dealing. And that's about it. Story-wise.
FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In the final scene, Fran arrives at Bud's apartment, initially fearful after hearing a loud noise but relieved to find him safe. They share their new single statuses and engage in a playful card game, during which Bud confesses his love for Fran. The scene captures their joyful reunion and the start of a romantic relationship, concluding with a fade out as Bud deals cards while gazing at Fran.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Hopeful tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions, sets up a hopeful tone for the characters' future, and provides closure to their individual arcs while hinting at a new chapter in their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting anew and finding love in unexpected places is well portrayed, emphasizing personal growth and the potential for change.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on resolving emotional conflicts and setting the stage for a new phase in the characters' lives, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic romantic comedy setup by focusing on the characters' emotional journey and subtle moments of connection. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the familiar theme of love and self-discovery.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Bud and Fran are well-developed, showcasing vulnerability, resilience, and a budding connection, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Both Bud and Fran experience emotional growth and a shift in perspective, setting the stage for potential changes in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 9

Fran's internal goal in this scene is to find reassurance and connection with Bud after hearing a loud noise that startled her. This reflects her deeper need for safety, care, and emotional support.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it can be inferred that Fran seeks to check on Bud's well-being and possibly express her feelings for him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on emotional resolution and personal revelations rather than external tensions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is subtle yet effective, with Fran's initial concern contrasting Bud's nonchalant demeanor, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty that adds depth to their interaction.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and emotional resolutions rather than high-stakes external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving key emotional conflicts and hinting at new beginnings for the characters, paving the way for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional revelations and the subtle shifts in their relationship dynamics. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of Fran and Bud's interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' personal journeys of self-discovery and finding love amidst uncertainty and change. Fran and Bud's dialogue hints at their shared experience of being 'on their own' and the possibility of a new beginning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of love, empathy, and anticipation, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is heartfelt, revealing the characters' true feelings and intentions, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between Fran and Bud, the witty banter, and the underlying sense of vulnerability and hope that keeps the audience invested in their connection.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension, humor, and intimacy that keeps the audience engaged and allows for meaningful character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visualization.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy genre, with a clear setup, character interactions, and a hint of resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This final scene effectively serves as a romantic denouement, providing a satisfying closure to the screenplay by reuniting Bud and Fran in a moment of mutual affection and new beginnings. The setup with Fran's panicked reaction to the champagne cork pop adds a brief moment of tension that contrasts with the overall light-hearted tone, cleverly playing on the audience's knowledge of recent events to heighten emotional stakes and deliver a sigh of relief when it's revealed to be innocuous. However, this device risks feeling contrived if not balanced carefully, as it might come across as a manipulative trick to wring out extra drama in an otherwise resolved story. The dialogue is sharp and character-driven, with Fran's 'Shut up and deal!' line encapsulating her pragmatic yet warm personality, reinforcing the theme of normalcy and companionship that has been building throughout the script. On the downside, the scene could benefit from more nuanced emotional layering; Bud's confession of love feels somewhat abrupt and idealized, potentially undermining the complexity of their relationship by resolving it too tidily without addressing lingering issues like Bud's recent job loss or Fran's emotional baggage from Sheldrake. Visually, the sparse apartment with moving cartons symbolizes transition and isolation, which is a strong metaphor, but it might not be fully exploited to show the characters' growth, making the ending feel more functional than profound. Overall, while the scene successfully ties up the romantic arc with humor and hope, it occasionally prioritizes punchy dialogue over deeper introspection, which could leave some viewers wanting a more introspective coda to reflect on the characters' journeys.
  • The character dynamics in this scene are handled with a light touch that maintains the film's comedic-romantic tone, but there's a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the themes of personal redemption and authenticity. Bud's line about being 'on my own' echoes his earlier struggles with identity and exploitation, providing a sense of arc completion, while Fran's mirroring response and initiation of the gin rummy game cleverly references their shared history, reinforcing continuity and familiarity. However, the rapid shift from Fran's expectant arrival to their casual interaction might gloss over the emotional weight of her decision to leave Sheldrake, making her character arc feel somewhat underdeveloped in this pivotal moment. The humor, particularly in the misunderstanding with the champagne cork, works well to undercut potential melodrama, but it could be seen as diluting the sincerity of their connection, especially in a finale where emotional payoff is crucial. Additionally, the visual elements, such as the champagne and cards, are effective symbols of celebration and routine, but they are described in a straightforward manner that doesn't fully capitalize on cinematic potential— for instance, the fading out could be more impactful with a lingering shot on their faces or the cards to emphasize intimacy. As the last scene, it achieves a feel-good resolution, but it might not fully resolve the broader thematic elements, such as the critique of corporate culture or personal integrity, leaving some narrative threads feeling neatly tied but not deeply explored.
  • In terms of storytelling, this scene adeptly uses concise dialogue and action to convey resolution without overextending the runtime, which is appropriate for a comedy-drama. The fade out after Bud deals the cards is a classic ending technique that signals finality and leaves the audience with a positive image, but it might be criticized for being too abrupt, potentially denying the story a more gradual wind-down that could enhance emotional resonance. The critique also extends to the scene's reliance on verbal exchanges to carry the weight of character development; while effective, it could incorporate more nonverbal cues or subtext to show rather than tell the characters' feelings, making the moment more universal and less dependent on dialogue. Furthermore, the scene's placement at the end of a 60-scene script means it must synthesize all prior conflicts, and while it does so by focusing on Bud and Fran's relationship, it somewhat neglects to address the ensemble elements (like the other executives or neighbors) that were prominent earlier, which could make the ending feel insular. Overall, the scene is charming and true to the film's voice, but it could strive for greater depth by balancing humor with poignant reflection, ensuring that the audience feels the full impact of the characters' growth and the story's themes.
Suggestions
  • To enhance emotional depth, add subtle physical actions or facial expressions during key moments, such as Fran hesitating at the door or Bud's hands trembling slightly while dealing cards, to convey unspoken feelings and make the confession more visceral and believable.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext; for example, have Fran reference a specific past event when she says she's 'on my own' to tie it back to earlier scenes, strengthening continuity and character consistency without overloading the scene.
  • Extend the scene slightly by including a brief pause after Bud's confession, allowing for a reaction shot or a moment of silence to build tension and emphasize the significance of their relationship shift, ensuring the emotional payoff feels earned.
  • Incorporate additional visual symbolism, such as focusing on the moving cartons or the champagne bubbles to represent change and effervescence, perhaps with a slow pan or close-up to underscore themes of new beginnings and add layers to the visual storytelling.
  • To make the ending more memorable, consider ending on a stronger image or line, like a close-up of their hands touching during the card game or altering Fran's final line to something more playful yet profound, reinforcing the film's themes of authenticity and connection while leaving a lasting impression.