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Scene 1 -  Generational Divide
1 INT. CHURCH 1

We’re at the funeral of Dorothy Kowalski. In attendance
are mostly old folks, their offspring and several bored
teenagers.

WALT KOWALSKI stands towards the front of the church. He
speaks to an older MAN in a bulky, out-of-date suit.

OLDER MAN
I’m real sorry about Dorothy,
Walt. She was a real peach.

WALT
Thanks for coming, Al.
Walt Kowalski looks young for his age. He has slate blue
eyes, physically fit and has had the same buzz cut
hairstyle since getting out of the military in 1953.

Walt is also a perfectionist. Nothing escapes his
hawklike eyes, eyes that pierce and judge.

Walt looks around at how the young people have dressed at
his wife’s funeral. His eyes narrow at his
GRANDDAUGHTER’s belly button ring.

WALT
Jesus Christ.

Walt’s two sons, MITCH and STEVE, watch their father from
across the pews.

MITCH
Look at the Old Man glaring at
Ashley. He can’t even tone it
down at Mom’s funeral?

STEVE
What do you expect? Dad’s still
living in the ‘50s. He expects
his granddaughter to dress a
little more modestly.

MITCH
Yeah, well your kid’s wearing a
Timberwolves jersey. I’m sure Dad
appreciates that.

STEVE
My point is that there’s nothing
anyone can do that won’t
disappoint the Old Man.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
STEVE (CONT'D)
It’s inevitable. That’s why we
stopped doing Thanksgivings; the
deal with the boat motor, the
broken bird bath, it’s always
something.

MITCH
What are we going to do with him?
Don’t you think he’ll get in
trouble by himself over in the old
neighborhood?

STEVE
Why don’t you have him move in
with you?

MITCH
Ha ha.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary At Dorothy Kowalski's funeral, her widower Walt disapproves of his granddaughter's belly button ring and son's Timberwolves jersey. This sparks a heated exchange with his sons, Mitch and Steve, who criticize his old-fashioned views and inability to accept change. The scene highlights the growing tension and resentment between generations, leaving the brothers questioning how to deal with their stubborn father.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the family dynamics and tensions, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family conflicts and generational differences during a funeral is compelling and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces conflict and sets up potential storylines involving the family dynamics.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting (funeral) but adds originality through the protagonist's unique personality and the family dynamics at play. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals deeper layers of the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their relationships are established effectively through dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

There are hints of potential character growth and change, especially in the interactions between family members.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his wife's death and navigate his relationships with his family members.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his reputation and authority within his family despite the changing times and values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mostly stemming from the differences in values and expectations among family members.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and unresolved tensions that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily emotional, revolving around family relationships and tensions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up future conflicts and storylines within the family, moving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting viewpoints and the uncertainty of how the protagonist will react to his family's suggestions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between traditional values and modern attitudes, as seen in the protagonist's disapproval of his granddaughter's attire and his sons' differing opinions on how to handle him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and tension, making it impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character traits and tensions within the family.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the emotional stakes, and the relatable family dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, with clear character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and doesn't adequately set up the conflict. We're introduced to Walt, his sons, and his granddaughter, but we don't get a sense of their individual personalities or their relationships with each other.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and expositional. The sons' lines about Walt's old-fashioned views and the family's history of conflict feel forced and unnecessary.
  • The scene lacks focus. It jumps around between different characters and conversations, making it difficult for the reader to follow the story's direction.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The opening interaction between Walt and Al feels slow and unnecessary, while the later exchange between Mitch and Steve rushes through a lot of backstory.
  • The scene relies too much on telling rather than showing. We're told that Walt is a perfectionist and that his eyes pierce and judge, but we don't see any evidence of this.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. It doesn't resolve the conflict or provide any sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one core conflict or character arc in the scene. For example, you could focus on Walt's reaction to his granddaughter's attire and how this highlights his generational divide.
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of telling us that Walt is a perfectionist, show us his meticulous attention to detail or his judgmental gaze.
  • Develop the characters and relationships. Give each character a distinct voice and personality. Explore the tension between Walt and his sons, or the disconnect between Walt and his granddaughter.
  • Slow down the pacing and give the dialogue time to breathe. Allow the characters to interact organically, revealing their personalities and relationships through their words and actions.
  • Consider a more dynamic opening. You could begin with Walt's disapproving gaze on Ashley's belly button ring, immediately establishing his character and the central conflict.
  • Provide a stronger ending. Show how Walt's reaction to the funeral attire impacts the family dynamic or sets the stage for future conflict.



Scene 2 -  The Silence After
2 INT. CHURCH - LATER 2

The choir sings the Beatitudes.

Walt looks around disgustedly at the people gathered as
one woman looks through her day planner, an old guy dozes
and his Granddaughter Ashley applies nail polish.

FATHER JANOVICH, the very young parish priest, steps up
to the altar and delivers the eulogy for Walt’s wife.

Walt sits ramrod straight and listens to the thin, weak,
unconvincing words of Father Janovich.

FATHER JANOVICH
Death... is often a bittersweet
occasion to us Catholics. Bitter
in the pain it causes the deceased
... and their families. Sweet to
those who know the salvation that
awaits them. And some may ask,
what is death. Is it the end? Or
is it the beginning? And what is
life? What is this thing we call
life?

WALT
Jesus.

Walt coughs. He takes a handkerchief and wipes his lips.
He looks down and notices a speck of BLOOD on the white
cloth.
3.


3 INT. WALT’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 3

The house is crammed with people following the service.

Walt doesn’t know what to do with himself. He has to
keep busy. Steve steps over to his father.

STEVE
A lot of people showed up after
the service.

WALT
Yeah, well, I s’pose they knew
there’d be plenty of ham. I think
I’ll go downstairs and get some
more chairs.
STEVE
I’ll do it, Dad.

WALT
Naw, we need them now, not next
week.


4 INT. CELLAR - SAME TIME 4

Grandsons JOSH, DANIEL and DAVID look through boxes in
the cellar. A box of old Korea War photos are pawed
through.

Josh holds up a black-and-white PHOTO -- a young WALT
looks utterly exhausted, behind him six bodies are
sprawled dead on the ground.

DAVID
Is that Dad?

DANIEL
No, it’s Grandpa Walt.

Josh turns the photo over and reads it...

JOSH
‘Third Platoon, E company, March
second, 1952, Korea.’

DANIEL
Where’s Korea?

JOSH
Hell if I know?

David holds up a MEDAL.

(CONTINUED)
4.
4 CONTINUED: 4
DAVID
Cool, I found a medal.

They hear someone coming downstairs. By the time Walt
descends the staircase, the boys sit on the couch,
pretending to be doing nothing.

Walt gives them a hard look as he grabs some chairs.


5 UPSTAIRS 5

People eat and chat. Ashley marches over to her parents,
KAREN and Mitch.

ASHLEY (GRANDDAUGHTER)
How long do we have to stay, this
ghetto is a dead zone for my cell
and I’m bored.

Walt stands behind them with an armful of folding chairs,
he overheard his Granddaughter. Mitch and Karen are
embarrassed.

MITCH
Ashley, honey. Why don’t you help
Grandpa Walt with the chairs?

ASHLEY
Me?

KAREN
Yes you.

ASHLEY
Grandpa Walt, can I help you with
the chairs.

WALT
I’ll take care of it, you just
painted your nails.

Walt opens the folding chairs and looks out the window.
It’s snowing. Walt puts on his coat, he almost looks
relieved to get out of the house.

WALT
I’d better salt the sidewalk
before someone falls and breaks a
hip.

Walt taps the floor with his boot and DAISY, his very,
very, very old DOG follows him outside.
5.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Immediately following his wife's funeral, Walt struggles to process his grief, retreating from the condolences of his family. Surrounded by well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful loved ones, he seeks solace in the quiet solitude of a snowy backyard, unable to confront the overwhelming emotions swirling within him.
Strengths
  • Clear establishment of family dynamics
  • Introduction of main character Walt
  • Tension and conflict between characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development
  • Predictable dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the family dynamics and introduces conflict and tension, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring family relationships and generational differences is strong, but could be further developed to add more layers to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward by establishing the family dynamics and conflicts, but lacks a strong driving force or significant development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of grief and family dynamics but presents them in a fresh and authentic way. The characters' reactions and interactions feel genuine and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, especially Walt as the critical patriarch, but could benefit from more depth and complexity to enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 6

There is some potential for character growth, especially for Walt and his family members, but it is not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his wife's death and find solace in his faith. His reaction to Father Janovich's eulogy and his mention of Jesus reflect his deeper need for spiritual comfort and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal in this scene is to navigate the social interactions and responsibilities following his wife's funeral. He struggles with keeping busy and managing the influx of people in his house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walt and his family members is evident, creating tension and drama within the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, as Walt navigates the social expectations and responsibilities following his wife's funeral. The audience is unsure of how Walt will handle the situation, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on interpersonal relationships and family dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the family dynamics and conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle tensions and conflicts between the characters, as well as the unexpected moments of reflection and introspection.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of life, death, and faith. Father Janovich's words about death and salvation challenge Walt's beliefs and understanding of these concepts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes some emotions, such as sadness and embarrassment, but could enhance the emotional impact by delving deeper into the characters' feelings and relationships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and disapproval within the family, but could be more nuanced to reveal deeper emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the complex emotions and dynamics of a family gathering after a funeral. The interactions between the characters and the subtle conflicts keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' struggles and conflicts. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact and effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the emotional weight of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a generic description of the choir singing the Beatitudes, which doesn't add much to the story or character development. It's a missed opportunity to establish Walt's internal thoughts and feelings as he's surrounded by mourners.
  • Walt's initial reaction to the attendees is simply 'disgustedly,' which feels too broad and doesn't provide enough information about what he finds displeasing. It's important to be specific about his observations and reactions to make them more impactful.
  • The eulogy by Father Janovich is somewhat cliched and doesn't offer much in terms of character insight into either Walt or the priest. The dialogue feels generic and could be more nuanced and insightful.
  • The contrast between Father Janovich's optimistic view of death and Walt's cynical response is interesting but could be more impactful. The scene doesn't fully explore this dynamic, leaving the reader to assume what they mean.
  • The scene jumps abruptly to Walt's house, which disrupts the flow of the story and creates a sense of discontinuity. A smoother transition might involve showing Walt leaving the church and arriving at his home, allowing us to see his internal struggle.
  • The scene focuses too much on the practical details of the gathering (chairs, ham, etc.) and doesn't adequately explore Walt's emotional state following his wife's death. It's important to show his grief and how he's coping with his loss.
  • The cellar scene with Walt's grandsons is an interesting plot point but feels somewhat out of place in the context of the immediate aftermath of the funeral. The scene could be more impactful if it directly connects to Walt's grief or his relationship with his family.
  • The scene jumps back to the house without any clear transition, leaving the reader to assume what happened in the meantime. A smoother transition might involve showing Walt returning to the house after a brief period of reflection or a conversation with a family member.
  • The interaction between Walt and Ashley, while highlighting the generational gap, feels somewhat clichéd and predictable. The scene could benefit from more nuance and complexity in their relationship and dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Instead of a generic description of the choir, focus on Walt's inner thoughts and reactions to the service. What is he thinking about Dorothy? What emotions is he experiencing? How does he feel about the priest's words?
  • Instead of simply saying Walt is disgusted, show us what he finds displeasing. Is it the casual attire of the younger generation? The superficiality of the conversations? The lack of respect for the occasion?
  • Rework Father Janovich's eulogy to provide more insight into both Walt's character and his relationship with Dorothy. What kind of person was she? What was her legacy? What did she mean to Walt?
  • Explore the contrast between Father Janovich's optimistic view of death and Walt's cynicism more fully. Show Walt's internal struggle with grief and loss, and how his past experiences influence his view of the afterlife.
  • Create a smoother transition between the church and Walt's house. Show Walt leaving the church and reflecting on his wife's death, or maybe encounter a family member who offers condolences. This will create a sense of continuity and help the reader better understand Walt's state of mind.
  • Focus more on Walt's emotional state following his wife's death. Show him struggling to cope with his grief, maybe avoiding eye contact with his family, or withdrawing into himself. This will make him more relatable and human.
  • Integrate the cellar scene with the funeral scene more effectively. Maybe Walt's grandchildren discover the photo and medal while searching for something else related to the funeral, or maybe they find the photo and medal as a way to try to understand their grandfather's grief. This will create a stronger connection between the scenes and make the scene more impactful.
  • Use transitions to connect the different scenes more smoothly. Maybe show Walt walking back to the house, or use a brief dialogue exchange between family members to bridge the gap. This will create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Add more nuance and complexity to the interaction between Walt and Ashley. Maybe he notices a similarity between her and Dorothy, or maybe he sees a reflection of himself in her rebellious attitude. This will make their interaction more engaging and meaningful.



Scene 3 -  Isolation and Disdain
6 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - EVENING 6

Walt carefully shovels his sidewalk. He deliberately
stops at the boundary of his property.

The reason for this is that Walt’s neighbors are now
mostly Asians who moved into the house that once belonged
to Polish families.

Next door to Walt’s house some sort of party is going on.
Walt can see through the window that the living room is
jammed with at least forty people, all Asians, all Hmong.

And this is a problem for Walt, because Walt is a full-
blown, unrepentant racist.

Walt lights a cigarette and speaks to his dog, Daisy.
WALT
Jesus Christ, how many swamp rats
can they cram into a living room?

Walt spits in the snow and walks back to the garage.


7 INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME 7

Walt steps inside and catches Ashley sneaking a
cigarette. She has pulled back the canvas tarp that
covers his pride and joy, his beloved 1972 GRAN TORINO.

The Gran Torino is in mint condition. It has been babied
since the day it rolled off the line.

Ashley tosses her cigarette when she sees Grandpa Walt.
ASHLEY
Wow, Grandpa, when’d you get the
vintage car?

Walt looks at her for a second, then steps on her still
burning cigarette before answering.

WALT
1972.

ASHLEY
I never knew you had a cool old
car.

WALT
It’s only been in here since
before you were born.


(CONTINUED)
6.
7 CONTINUED: 7
ASHLEY
So, what are you like going to do
with it like, when... you die?

Walt lights up a smoke --

WALT
Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

Walt pulls the cover back over the Gran Torino.

ASHLEY
Then what about that super cool
retro couch in the den, I’m going
to State next year and I don’t
have, like, any furniture?
Walt walks out without commenting.


8 BACK IN WALT’S HOUSE 8

The doorbell rings and Walt opens the door. Standing
there is TAO, a sixteen-year-old HMONG boy. Walt scowls.

TAO is slight, he has long hair, long lashes, but is very
good-looking -- like an Asian Johnny Depp.

WALT
Who the hell are you?

TAO
(very quietly)
I’m Tao, I live next door.

WALT
What?! Speak up, boy, get the
shit out of your mouth. What do
you want?

TAO
Do you have jumper cables? My
uncle’s car is old and...

WALT
No. And have some goddamned
respect, zipper head, we’re
mourning over here.

Walt slams the door in Tao’s face.

Walt turns and is suddenly cornered by Father Janovich.
Walt hates situations like this.


(CONTINUED)
7.
8 CONTINUED: 8
FATHER JANOVICH
How you holding up, Walt?

WALT
Mr. Kowalski.

FATHER JANOVICH
Huh?

WALT
It’s Mr. Kowalski, not Walt.

FATHER JANOVICH
Right, Mr. Kowalski. Your wife
and I became quite close these
last few months. She asked that I
watch over you when she passed on.
I told her I watch out for my
entire flock, but she made me
promise I’d keep an extra sharp
eye on you.

WALT
I appreciate your kindness to my
wife and now that you’ve spoken
your piece, why don’t you move on
to the next sheep?

Walt starts to step away, but Father Janovich blocks him.

FATHER JANOVICH
Dorothy mentioned specifically
that it was her wish for you to go
to confession. She said she
couldn’t remember the last time
you went.
WALT
Is that so?

FATHER JANOVICH
It is.

Walt drains his lowball glass.

WALT
Well, I confess I never much liked
church and only went because of
the wife. And I confess I have no
desire to confess to a boy who is
fresh out of the seminary.
8.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Walt shovels snow on his property while deliberately avoiding his Asian neighbors, reflecting his racist attitudes. He observes a lively party next door with disdain and interacts with his indifferent granddaughter Ashley, who seeks a connection through his vintage Gran Torino. When Tao, a Hmong boy, asks for jumper cables, Walt rudely refuses, showcasing his hostility. Father Janovich attempts to encourage Walt to fulfill his late wife's wishes for confession, but Walt rebuffs him, further emphasizing his bitterness and isolation.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective establishment of conflicts
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the central conflicts and tensions within the story, setting the stage for character development and plot progression. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of racism, family dynamics, and personal conflict is well-executed in this scene, laying a strong foundation for the narrative to unfold.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced through the introduction of key conflicts and tensions, particularly regarding the protagonist's relationships with his family and neighbors.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring themes of racism and community dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions, especially Walt's stubbornness and Ashley's rebellious nature.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 9

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his racist beliefs and resist any form of change or acceptance of his neighbors. This reflects his deeper fear of losing his identity and control over his surroundings.

External Goal: 8

Walt's external goal is to avoid interacting with his Asian neighbors and maintain his distance from them. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with the changing demographics of his neighborhood.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and creating tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt facing challenges from his neighbors, Father Janovich, and his own internal conflicts. The audience is left uncertain about how Walt will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the protagonist's deep-seated racism, strained family relationships, and potential conflicts with his new neighbors.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, tensions, and relationships that will shape the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the shifting power dynamics. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's racist beliefs and the values of acceptance and community. This challenges Walt's worldview and forces him to confront his prejudices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly resentment, tension, and defiance, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals important aspects of the characters' relationships and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense character dynamics, sharp dialogue, and underlying tension. The conflict between Walt and his neighbors keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It effectively sets up the conflict and tension that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene is somewhat clumsy in how it introduces Walt's racism. The exposition feels heavy-handed, and the dialogue is not particularly nuanced. For example, "Jesus Christ, how many swamp rats can they cram into a living room?" is a bit too on-the-nose. It would be more effective if the scene revealed Walt's racism through subtler means. Perhaps through his actions, his facial expressions, or a more subtly worded comment.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective for Walt. It's clear that he is struggling to deal with his wife's death, but he's not actively working through his grief. He seems to be avoiding dealing with his emotions by focusing on superficial tasks like shoveling his sidewalk and refusing to engage with his family. It might be helpful to give Walt a more concrete goal in this scene, even if it's just to avoid the party next door.
  • The scene also lacks a sense of tension. The interactions between Walt and his granddaughter, and later with Tao and Father Janovich, feel somewhat flat. The lack of tension might be attributed to the exposition-heavy nature of the dialogue and the absence of any real conflict in these exchanges.
  • The scene introduces a number of characters (Tao, Ashley, Father Janovich) without fully establishing their motivations. It would be helpful to see more of their inner lives and how they relate to Walt. It is also important to consider the overall flow of the scene. The scene jumps back and forth between the exterior of Walt's house, the garage, and then back to the house. This disjointed structure could be improved by transitioning more smoothly between these locations.
  • The scene could be more visually evocative. There is a lot of potential for visual imagery in this scene, such as the contrast between the snow-covered streets and the festive lights coming from the Hmong party, or the juxtaposition of Walt's aged Gran Torino and the contemporary life of his granddaughter. The script could benefit from stronger visual cues to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider showing Walt's racism more subtly, perhaps through his actions, facial expressions, or a more nuanced comment. For example, instead of saying "swamp rats", he could comment on the noise, or the fact that the Hmong have altered the yard, or something less obviously racist.
  • Give Walt a more concrete objective. He could be trying to avoid the party next door, trying to find a way to deal with his grief, or simply trying to get through the day. Even if it's a minor objective, it will help to create a sense of momentum and purpose for Walt in the scene.
  • Create more tension and conflict. For example, the confrontation with Father Janovich could be more intense, or Walt could have a more visceral reaction to Ashley's questions about his car. You could also incorporate a conflict between Walt and his neighbors, perhaps a confrontation about noise or parking.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give Tao, Ashley, and Father Janovich more complex motivations. Show how they relate to Walt and what they are trying to accomplish in the scene.
  • Streamline the scene's structure. The scene could be structured in a more logical way, for example, by following Walt as he goes from his sidewalk to his garage and then to his house. Consider transitioning between locations more naturally, for example, by having Walt walk from his garage to his house, or by having Tao enter Walt's house after being refused jumper cables.
  • Use more evocative language. Make use of descriptive language and imagery to bring the scene to life. Instead of just saying "It’s only been in here since before you were born." consider a more specific detail, such as "It’s only been in here since before you were born, still got that fresh car smell inside." This would help to create a more vivid image for the reader.



Scene 4 -  Cultural Clash
9 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - LATER 9

People are leaving Walt’s house. A mass of shuffling,
stiff-jointed old Pollacks.

Right next door -- walking the opposite direction are
more Hmong going up the sidewalk. They laugh and chatter
and carry big dishes of food and fruit. They are a happy
bunch compared to the dour crowd exiting Walt’s home.

The Hmong are going to a birth ceremony. A three-day-old
baby is named and three souls are located for the
newborn.

CUT TO:

ANOTHER ANGLE

Walt leans over a car that contains two shivering old
ladies from the funeral. He hooks up the jumper cables
to their dead battery.

Mitch, Karen, Ashley and Josh pull up next to Walt in a
brand new Toyota Land Cruiser. Mitch opens the window.

MITCH
I’d really like to help, Dad, but
we have to get the kids home,
they’re getting restless.

Walt just looks at the TOYOTA EMBLEM on the Land Cruiser
and then gives Mitch a disgusted glance.

WALT
Fine. Go.
MITCH
I’ll call in a few, see how you’re
doing.

Walt nods and lights a cigarette as they drive off.

WALT
Kill you to buy American.


10 INT. LAND CRUISER - SAME TIME 10

MITCH
Did you see him look at the truck?
It’s always Rice-Burner this or
Jap-Buggy that. Even at Mom’s
funeral, he can’t let it go.

(CONTINUED)
9.
10 CONTINUED: 10
KAREN
At least he didn’t say anything
this time.

MITCH
He didn’t have to.

KAREN
Well, what do you expect? The man
worked at a Ford plant for twenty-
eight years.

MITCH
And I suppose that’s my goddamned
fault?

11 BACK ON WALT 11

Walt gets his guests’ engine running.

As they drive off, Walt hears faint SINGING. Walt looks
into his neighbor’s backyard and can’t believe his eyes.

The Hmong all sing and chant as three CHICKENS have their
heads sliced off, right there in the yard.

The chickens are held up and everyone chants louder.
It’s a sacrifice. Walt spits in the snow and says to
Daisy.

WALT
Barbarians. Goddamned barbarians.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Following his wife's funeral, Walt grapples with the cultural gap between his traditional American values and his children's embrace of modern culture. This conflict is highlighted by his disapproval of his son's new Toyota Land Cruiser and his disgust at the Hmong family's ritualistic sacrifice of chickens. The scene portrays Walt's bitterness and isolation amidst the vibrant celebrations of his neighbors, creating a stark contrast between his world and theirs.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotyping
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the underlying themes of racism, cultural differences, and family dynamics. The conflict is palpable, and the emotional impact is strong.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring deep-rooted racism and cultural clashes within a community is compelling and thought-provoking. It adds layers to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showcasing Walt's interactions with his family and neighbors, highlighting the underlying tensions and conflicts. The scene sets up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring cultural diversity and societal structures in a suburban setting, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Walt's complex personality and deep-seated prejudices driving the conflict. The interactions between the characters reveal their motivations and inner struggles.

Character Changes: 7

While Walt's character remains steadfast in his beliefs, the scene sets up potential character changes and growth in future interactions. The conflicts and tensions hint at possible character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to deal with his frustration and disdain towards foreign cultures and modern technology, reflecting his deeper fears of change and loss of traditional values.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to help the old ladies with their dead battery, showcasing his sense of duty and responsibility towards others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with tensions running high between Walt and his family, as well as his Hmong neighbors. The cultural clash and deep-seated prejudices create intense confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and cultural differences creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, as the scene showcases the deep-seated prejudices, cultural clashes, and family tensions that could have far-reaching consequences for the characters. The conflicts are intense and impactful.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, character dynamics, and themes. It sets the stage for future developments and confrontations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected cultural rituals and the protagonist's unpredictable reactions to them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional values and modernization, as seen in Walt's disdain for foreign cultures and modern technology.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of disgust, sadness, and anger, especially in Walt's interactions with his family and neighbors. The emotional depth adds layers to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, beliefs, and conflicts. It adds depth to the scenes and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the cultural contrasts, and the underlying tensions that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up conflicts and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively contrasts Walt's somber and isolated demeanor with the joyful celebration of the Hmong neighbors, highlighting his alienation and prejudice. This juxtaposition is a powerful visual element that reinforces the theme of cultural disconnection.
  • Walt's disdain for the Land Cruiser and his dismissive attitude towards his son Mitch reveal his old-fashioned values and inability to adapt to changing times. However, this characterization could be deepened by adding more internal conflict or regret about his past, which would make his prejudice more complex.
  • The dialogue between Mitch and Karen provides insight into Walt's character but could benefit from more emotional weight. Instead of just expressing frustration, they could share a specific memory or anecdote that illustrates Walt's stubbornness, adding depth to their conversation.
  • Walt's reaction to the Hmong ritual is strong but could be enhanced by showing more of his internal struggle. Rather than just spitting and calling them 'barbarians,' consider showing a flicker of curiosity or confusion before his disdain takes over, which would add nuance to his character.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. The transitions between the funeral's somberness and the Hmong celebration could be expanded to allow the audience to fully absorb each moment's emotional weight. A few more beats could help establish the atmosphere more clearly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Walt reflects on his late wife or his past as he watches the Hmong celebration. This could create a more profound emotional connection for the audience, showing his internal conflict.
  • Include a brief interaction between Walt and the old ladies he helps with the jumper cables. This could humanize him further and provide a moment of connection, contrasting with his later disdain for the Hmong neighbors.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Mitch and Karen by incorporating a specific memory about Walt that illustrates his old-fashioned views, which would make their frustration more relatable and grounded.
  • Introduce a sensory element during the Hmong ritual, such as the sounds of the chanting or the sight of the chickens being sacrificed, to create a more immersive experience for the audience and emphasize Walt's discomfort.
  • Consider extending the scene to show Walt's reaction to the Hmong celebration in more detail, perhaps by having him engage in a brief internal monologue that reveals his feelings of loss, confusion, or bitterness, which would add depth to his character.



Scene 5 -  Struggles of Masculinity
12 INT. HMONG HOUSE NEXT DOOR - SAME TIME 12
The house is a buzz of activity. The older Hmong speak
their native language, the younger generation speaks both
English and Hmong.

(NOTE: Hmong is subtitled when necessary.)

Tao’s Grandmother (PHONG) complains to a MAN.

PHONG
(subtitled)
There’s no man in this house,
that’s why my daughter should
remarry. Being a second wife is
better than having a woman be the
head of the household. It’s not
our way.


(CONTINUED)
10.
12 CONTINUED: 12
MAN
(subtitled)
What about Tao?

PHONG
(subtitled)
What about him?

MAN
(subtitled)
He’s the man in the house.

PHONG
(subtitled)
Tao’s not a man.
(gestures)
Look at him in the kitchen,
washing dishes like a woman. Even
his sister gives him orders and he
obeys.

The CAMERA PANS TO the kitchen where TAO washes a pile of
dishes. An older relative drops dishes in the sink,
without acknowledging Tao’s presence. It’s clearly an
insult.

In the LIVING ROOM the Hmong “Soul Calling” ceremony
starts its next phase. An elder, the family SHAMAN, is
present and begins the ritual.

As the entire Hmong family gathers to watch. Tao slips
on his coat and goes out the back door.


13 EXT. TAO’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 13
Tao wobbles as he pedals his bike through the snow.

Tao passes Walt’s garage and is startled as Walt appears
from a shadow, JUMPER CABLES in his hands. They make eye
contact as Tao passes.

Walt spits in the snow and looks down at Daisy.

WALT
I thought these zips were supposed
to be such hard workers. Christ,
I had my own car when I was his
age.


14 EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT 14

Tao exits the store, gets on his bike and rides off.

(CONTINUED)
11.
14 CONTINUED: 14
A few blocks away, Tao rides past a snowbank when --

WHAM! A HOCKEY STICK is thrown through the spokes of his
front wheel. Tao flies over the handlebars into the
snow.

A chorus of laughter is heard. Three LATINOS stand
around the stunned, prone Tao.

HEAD LATINO
Whatta you gonna do, gook? You
gonna ‘Kung Fu’ us?

Tao just lies there as Latino #2 picks up his bike.

LATINO #2
Surprised it ain’t a girl’s bike.
The Latinos laugh. Tao remains on the ground.

HEAD LATINO
You gonna get up or what?

Tao doesn’t move.

HEAD LATINO
Tell you what, I’ll let you take
the first swing. You drop me and
you can have your bike back.

Tao smiles, he can’t help it.

HEAD LATINO
What the fuck you smiling at,
gook? Something funny?
He grabs Tao by the jacket and pulls him to his feet.

HEAD LATINO
You better get the fuck outta
here, bitch.

He pushes Tao backwards. Tao falls back into the snow.
This time Tao crab-walks back away from the Latinos.

The Latinos stroll away with Tao’s bike.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Cultural"]

Summary In a Hmong household, Tao's grandmother, Phong, criticizes him for not fulfilling traditional male roles, leading to his feelings of inadequacy. During a 'Soul Calling' ceremony, Tao leaves the house and encounters Walt, who belittles his work ethic. Later, Tao is bullied and attacked by a group of Latino boys who mock him and steal his bike, leaving him vulnerable and humiliated in the snow. The scene highlights Tao's internal conflict with cultural expectations and the harsh realities of bullying.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of cultural clash
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Stereotypical portrayal of Hmong characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the film by establishing Walt's deep-seated prejudices and the cultural differences between him and his Hmong neighbors.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of cultural clash and prejudice is central to the scene, driving the conflict and character dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Walt's disdain for his neighbors grows, setting the stage for future confrontations and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on traditional gender roles and cultural identity, offering a nuanced portrayal of the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Walt's bigotry and the Hmong family's traditions creating compelling dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While Walt's character remains steadfast in his prejudices, the scene sets the stage for potential growth or change in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Tao, seeks to assert his masculinity and independence in the face of traditional gender expectations and societal pressure. His internal goal reflects his desire to break free from the constraints of his culture and family.

External Goal: 7

Tao's external goal is to reclaim his stolen bike from the Latinos who humiliate him. This goal reflects his need to assert his dignity and stand up for himself in the face of adversity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and the Hmong family is intense and sets the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Latinos posing a significant challenge to Tao's sense of identity and self-worth.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the escalating tension between Walt and his Hmong neighbors, foreshadowing potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and establishing key character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected confrontation between Tao and the Latinos, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a conflict between traditional gender roles and modern values, highlighting the struggle between individual identity and cultural expectations. Tao's actions challenge the patriarchal norms of his community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions of discomfort and tension due to the cultural clash and Walt's discriminatory behavior.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, especially in Walt's derogatory remarks.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, cultural conflicts, and the protagonist's journey towards self-discovery and empowerment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation that propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation.


Critique
  • The opening of the scene effectively contrasts the bustling activity of the Hmong household with Walt's earlier disdainful perspective, reinforcing the cultural divide. However, the dialogue could benefit from more nuance; Phong's views come across as excessively traditional without deeper exploration of her character's motivations or emotions. Adding a line or two that conveys her personal stakes or fears could create a more sympathetic portrayal.
  • The use of subtitles for Hmong dialogue is a practical choice, but it may detract from the immersion if overused. Consider balancing the subtitled dialogue with moments of non-verbal communication or visual storytelling that convey the characters' feelings and relationships, allowing viewers to engage without relying solely on translation.
  • Tao's characterization as submissive and marginalized is established well through his interactions with his grandmother and the family dynamic. However, the transition from the Hmong household to the encounter with Walt feels abrupt. A brief moment that shows Tao's internal conflict or feelings about his role within both his family and the larger community could enhance his character development.
  • Walt's derogatory remarks about Tao and the Hmong community effectively illustrate his prejudice, but they risk reducing him to a one-dimensional antagonist. To create a more complex character, consider incorporating a moment of vulnerability or a hint of his backstory that explains his attitudes, making him more relatable despite his flaws.
  • The bullying scene involving the Latino boys is impactful, showcasing the harsh realities Tao faces. However, the dialogue could be sharpened to enhance the emotional weight. The taunts feel somewhat generic; specific insults that reflect the characters' personalities or cultural references could make the scene more memorable and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment of reflection for Phong where she expresses her fears about Tao's future, allowing the audience to understand her motivations better.
  • Incorporate visual storytelling elements, such as body language or facial expressions, to convey emotions during Hmong dialogue, reducing reliance on subtitles.
  • Add a brief internal monologue for Tao as he interacts with his family, giving insight into his thoughts about his place in the household and his desire for respect.
  • Include a backstory flashback or a brief conversation that hints at Walt's past experiences, allowing the audience to see the roots of his prejudice and making him a more layered character.
  • Revise the Latino boys' dialogue to include more specific and unique insults that reflect their personalities, increasing the scene's impact and realism.



Scene 6 -  A Man and His Fortress
15 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - SUNNY SPRING MORNING 15

SUPERIMPOSE: THREE MONTHS LATER

Walt is going about the chores of spring cleaning.


(CONTINUED)
12.
15 CONTINUED: 15
Walt looks around with disdain at his neighbors’ houses.
Walt’s property is perfectly kept, whereas his neighbors’
houses are rundown.

Walt’s eyes linger on every defect, gutter hangs, ripped
screen doors, peeling paint. One neighbor has installed
a chicken coop.

Walt looks down at Daisy --

WALT
Damn chinks let their yards go to
hell. Polarski would turn over in
his grave if he could see what
they did to his lawn.

Tao walks past. Walt watches him pass.
WALT
I don’t know why these goddamned
slopes had to move to my block.
This used to be a nice
neighborhood.


16 EXT. TAO’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 16

Tao nods to an older woman rocking in a broken rocking
chair. PHONG nods back to Tao, then turns her evil eye
back on Walt, whom she’s been seething at all morning.

PHONG
(subtitled)
Why doesn’t that stupid, hairy
white man move? He must be too
dumb to realize he’s not welcome
here. All the Mee-Khah left in
the neighborhood should just move
away. Look at him strut like a
rooster.

She sees Walt glance at her and spit. Phong glares back
and spits beetle juice, which has turned her teeth black.


17 INT. WALT’S HOUSE - DAY 17

Daisy snoozes next to the front door. The doorbell
rings; Daisy doesn’t even move. Walt walks to the front
door holding a roll of duct tape. The doorbell rings
again.

Walt looks down at Daisy --


(CONTINUED)
13.
17 CONTINUED: 17
WALT
Jesus Christ, dog, have you gone
totally deaf?

Walt opens the door. Standing on his front step is
Father Janovich.

FATHER JANOVICH
Hi there, Walt.

WALT
Listen, son, you’re not my barber,
you’re not a friend, so why in the
hell do you think you can call me
Walt?

FATHER JANOVICH
Sorry... Mr. Kowalski.

WALT
So, what are you peddling now?

FATHER JANOVICH
Oh, nothing. Thought I’d drop by
and see how you were doing.
Haven’t seen you in church in
awhile.

WALT
Okay. You’ve done your good deed,
now why don’t you run along.

FATHER JANOVICH
I’d really like to talk, Mr.
Kowalski.
WALT
I don’t think so, kid. Sorry.

FATHER JANOVICH
Why? Do you have a problem with
me, Mr. Kowalski?

WALT
You don’t want to know.

FATHER JANOVICH
No, I do.

WALT
The problem is I think you’re an
overeducated, 27-year-old virgin
who holds the hands of
superstitious old women and
promises them eternity.
(CONTINUED)
14.
17 CONTINUED: (2) 17
Walt shuts the front door in Father Janovich’s face.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Three months after a significant event, Walt, a disgruntled homeowner, engages in meticulous spring cleaning, showcasing his pride in his property while expressing disdain for his neighbors' rundown houses. He specifically criticizes the new residents, including Tao and his family, reflecting on the neighborhood's decline. Father Janovich, a young priest, attempts to connect with Walt, but his efforts are met with harsh rejection. Walt criticizes the priest's character, ultimately shutting the door in his face, leaving the scene on a tense and confrontational note, highlighting Walt's bitterness and isolation.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective portrayal of character dynamics
  • Establishment of central conflicts and tensions
Weaknesses
  • Heavy reliance on stereotypes
  • Lack of nuanced portrayal of Hmong characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and tension between Walt and his neighbors, as well as his rebellious nature towards authority figures like the priest. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to Walt's character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural clash, racism, and defiance against societal norms is well-executed in the scene, setting up the central conflicts that will drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showcasing Walt's interactions with his neighbors and the priest, setting up the underlying tensions that will drive the story forward. The scene also hints at Walt's internal struggles and prejudices.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural tensions and prejudices, offering a fresh perspective on familiar themes of isolation and community. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt, are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Walt's confrontational and racist nature is effectively portrayed, adding depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

While Walt's character remains consistent in his racism and defiance, the scene hints at potential growth or change in his attitudes towards his neighbors and the priest, setting up a potential character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his sense of superiority and control over his environment. This reflects his deeper need for validation and power, as well as his fear of losing his status in the neighborhood.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid engaging with his neighbors and maintain his isolation. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unwanted interactions and confrontations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and his neighbors, as well as his defiance towards the priest, creates a high level of tension and sets the stage for further conflicts to unfold.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with clear conflicts and power struggles between the characters that create uncertainty and tension, driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the deep-seated racism and tension between Walt and his neighbors, as well as his rebellious attitude towards societal norms and authority figures.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics that will drive the narrative. It sets the stage for further developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected confrontations and shifting power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash of cultural values and prejudices between the protagonist and his neighbors. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about race, community, and belonging.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes negative emotions such as disgust and hostility, especially through Walt's racist remarks and confrontational attitude. It sets a somber and tense tone for the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and laden with subtext, revealing the underlying tensions and conflicts between the characters. It effectively conveys Walt's disdain and defiance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and emotional depth of the characters, drawing the audience into the tense interactions and underlying tensions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene feels repetitive and doesn't advance the plot or character development significantly. It essentially reiterates Walt's racism and isolation from the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Father Janovich feels contrived and repetitive. The insults and accusations against the priest lack nuance and feel like they're just there to emphasize Walt's negativity.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and telling rather than showing. We're told about Walt's disdain for his neighbors and Father Janovich's perceived flaws, but we don't see much evidence of these qualities in action.
  • The subplot with Phong is underdeveloped and unnecessary. Her dialogue feels forced and adds little to the overall narrative.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and doesn't leave a strong impression. The conflict between Walt and Father Janovich is unresolved and left hanging.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting this scene entirely or significantly shortening it. The information it conveys can likely be integrated into other scenes more effectively.
  • Explore the reasons behind Walt's anger and resentment towards his neighbors. What is driving his negativity? How has his life experiences shaped him?
  • Show us, rather than tell us, about Walt's character. Instead of listing his flaws, show him acting on those flaws. How does his negativity affect his interactions with others?
  • Develop the subplot with Phong more fully. Give her a reason for her animosity towards Walt and show how it impacts her life and interactions with others.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful moment. Perhaps Walt's interaction with Father Janovich could lead to an unexpected consequence or a change in his behavior.



Scene 7 -  Street Tensions
18 EXT. STREET - DAY 18

Tao walks down the street, his head in a book. He
finally realizes there’s a blue Chevy following slowly
behind him.

The blue Chevy is now parallel with Tao and keeps pace
with his step. Tao looks over to the occupants of the
Chevy.

It’s two LATINOS. Tao quickens his pace, but the Chevy
easily keeps up with Tao.

LATINO DRIVER
Is you a boy or a girl, I can’t
tell?

LATINO #2
What you reading, gook, Jackass
And The Rice Stalk?

Tao laughs, but keeps walking.

LATINO DRIVER
That’s right, you keep walking.
Fucking slopes everywhere you
look, man. Why gooks come up in
here and fuck up our neighborhood?

Down the street -- is a suped-up HONDA CIVIC with a big
SPOILER on the back. Inside are five Hmong gangbangers.

The Hmong gangbangers notice Tao being followed by the
Latinos. SPIDER, the driver, squints and then points at
Tao.

SPIDER
Dude, that’s my little cousin,
Tao.

SMOKIE
You sure about that, Spider?

SPIDER
I’m sure. Do we do something...
or what?

Smokie is the gang leader. He looks at Tao for a second.

SMOKIE
Your cousin tight with anyone?

(CONTINUED)
15.
18 CONTINUED: 18
SPIDER
No, he flies solo, Smokie.

SMOKIE
Okay. Let’s go help out our
little cousin.

Smokie nods to Spider, they roar up and stop right across
from Tao and the Latinos’ car.

SMOKIE
You better not be giving my bro
here a hard time or you’re gonna
wish you never been born.

LATINO DRIVER
Oh goody, more Rice Niggers.
The Latino Driver smiles and flashes a PISTOL.

A Hmong kid in the back seat opens the door and displays
a sub-machine gun. The Latinos are way out-gunned.

LATINO #2
Fucking Viet Cong swamp rats. Go
back to your fucking rice paddy.

The Latinos screech their tires and are gone. The Hmongs
in the car smile and congratulate themselves.

Tao simply keeps walking down the street!

SMOKIE
Where the fuck does he think he’s
going? Turn us around and go
after that cousin of yours.
They swing a U-turn and pull up to Tao, keeping pace with
him as he walks.

SPIDER
Hey, cuz, slow down, where you
going? You should really think
about hanging with us, man. If we
all stick together, shit like that
won’t happen, with those Spicks.

Tao nods as he walks, but doesn’t answer.

SPIDER
You can’t be such a little girl.
You join up with us, we’ll keep
you out of trouble, cuz.


(CONTINUED)
16.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
Tao looks at the sub-machine gun cradled by the Hmong
gangbanger in the back seat.

Smokie takes this all in. He looks down the street and
sees that in a half block, Tao will have to pass a group
of Latino gangbanger types.

SMOKIE
You think about it and we’ll see
you tomorrow.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary As Tao walks down the street absorbed in a book, he is taunted by two Latino men in a blue Chevy. Sensing danger, he quickens his pace, but the situation escalates until a group of Hmong gangbangers in a Honda Civic intervene. Smokie, the gang leader, confronts the Latinos, who back off when threatened with guns. After the confrontation, Smokie and Spider offer Tao protection by inviting him to join their gang, but he remains hesitant.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Effective portrayal of racial tensions
Weaknesses
  • Stereotypical portrayals of ethnic groups

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up potential conflicts that will impact the story later on. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a palpable sense of unease and danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of racial tensions and gang violence is crucial to the scene, setting the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we see the brewing conflict between different groups in the neighborhood, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and authentic portrayal of gang dynamics and racial tensions in an urban setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and dialogue reveal their prejudices, fears, and motivations, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Tao's internal goal is to maintain his independence and integrity in the face of intimidation and pressure to join a gang. This reflects his deeper need for self-respect and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Tao's external goal is to navigate the dangerous situation with the rival gangs and avoid getting involved in their conflicts. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between different ethnic groups and the threat of gang violence create a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting gangs and the threat of violence creating a sense of danger and uncertainty. Tao must navigate this opposition to protect himself and maintain his independence.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the escalating tensions between different groups, the threat of gang violence, and the potential for dangerous confrontations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening existing tensions, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Tao will respond to the pressure from the rival gangs. The shifting power dynamics and escalating conflict add to the unpredictability of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between loyalty to one's ethnic group and individual agency. Tao must decide whether to align himself with his cousin's gang for protection or maintain his independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to anger and unease, making it impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and realistic, effectively conveying the animosity and hostility between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with conflicting emotions and intense dialogue. The tension keeps the audience invested in Tao's choices and the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the escalating conflict and Tao's internal struggle.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the interactions between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of danger and tension through the interaction between Tao and the Latino gang members. However, the dialogue from the Latinos is overly stereotypical and lacks nuance, which can detract from the authenticity of the characters. Stereotypes can alienate audiences and reduce the impact of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with Tao's growing anxiety mirrored by the slow pursuit of the blue Chevy. However, the transition from the Latino taunts to the introduction of the Hmong gangbangers feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain tension.
  • The character of Smokie, while intended to be protective of Tao, comes off as another stereotype of gang culture. This could be an opportunity to add depth to his character, perhaps by showing a more complex motivation for his actions beyond just gang loyalty.
  • Tao's internal conflict is hinted at but not fully explored. While he is confronted by the gangbangers, there is little insight into his emotional state during this encounter. Adding internal dialogue or reactions could help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • The use of violent language and racial slurs can be impactful, but it should serve a purpose beyond shock value. Consider how this dialogue contributes to character development and the overall themes of the script. If this language is present, it should be balanced with moments that reveal the humanity of the characters involved.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue of the Latino characters to avoid clichés and provide more depth. This could involve giving them distinct personalities or motivations that move beyond simple antagonism.
  • Add a moment of reflection for Tao as he walks, perhaps allowing him to think about his choices or the implications of joining a gang. This could help the audience understand his internal struggle and make him a more relatable character.
  • Introduce a brief interaction between Tao and the Hmong gangbangers that reveals more about their relationship. This could include a moment of camaraderie or shared experience that adds complexity to their characters.
  • Use body language and visual cues to enhance the tension in the scene. For example, show Tao's physical reactions to the taunts and threats, which can convey his fear and uncertainty without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider the pacing of the scene and how it fits into the larger narrative. If this scene is meant to heighten tension, ensure that the stakes are clear and that the audience understands the potential consequences of Tao's decisions.



Scene 8 -  Gang Recruitment in the Garden
19 EXT. TAO’S HOUSE - DAY 19

Tao digs in the garden. Tao’s younger sister SUE sits
and reads JANE magazine on the porch.
The tricked-out Honda with Blue Neon lights pulls up.
Spider, Smokie and two other Hmong gangbangers get out.

SPIDER
Hey, cuz. Hey, Sue.

SUE
What do you want?

SPIDER
Came to talk to my cousin Tao.

Smokie looks over to Sue.

SMOKIE
Spider, who’s the other cousin?

SUE laughs at the name “Spider.” Sue is seventeen, has
long straight hair with red highlights.
SUE
‘Spider’? Is that what he just
called you, Fong?

SPIDER
This is my little cousin, Sue.

Smokie takes off his sunglasses and smiles at Sue.

SMOKIE
Hey, Sue... how old are you, girl?

SUE
Mentally, I’m way too old for you.
I’m going inside.



(CONTINUED)
17.
19 CONTINUED: 19
SPIDER
That’s right, go inside while the
men talk.

SUE
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m
doing, Fong.

Sue rolls her eyes and goes inside. Smokie stares at
Tao.

SPIDER
You think about what we talked
about?

A PAUSE. Smokie watches Tao carefully, offers him a
cigarette. Tao shakes his head “no” and looks at the
ground.

SMOKIE
That’s exactly the point, Tao.
Spider told me how everyone thinks
you’re a pushover, how everybody
walks all over you and shit. I
mean, look at you, out here
working in the garden like a
woman.

Tao nods silently, but still looks at the ground.

SMOKIE
It ain’t no big thing. You just
need a little guidance.

Tao looks up at Smokie. Tao looks a little skeptical.
SMOKIE
It’s true, man. Shit, I used to
be kind of a quiet little punk
like you, everybody fucking with
me. But finally I said ‘no more.’
You, you’re lucky, Tao, we got
your back. Me? I didn’t have
nobody. Had to mold my own tribe.

SPIDER
Smokie’s right. We’re family,
right? You with us or what?

SMOKIE
I swear, brother, we’re the best
friends you’ll ever have. And
anyone fucks with you, they’re
fucked.

(CONTINUED)
18.
19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
SPIDER
Come on, man.

Tao clears his throat and speaks for the first time.

TAO
What do I have to do?

Smokie points to Walt’s open garage.

SMOKIE
Spider mentioned that neighbor of
yours.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Tao is approached by Spider, Smokie, and other Hmong gang members while gardening. They attempt to recruit him into their gang, emphasizing the idea of family and protection. Smokie shares his own past of being bullied, suggesting that Tao could target their neighbor Walt, who runs a garage frequented by Latinos. The scene is tense, highlighting Tao's hesitance and the gang's aggressive demeanor, culminating in Smokie pointing towards Walt's garage, hinting at potential violence.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical gang portrayal
  • Limited female character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts while delving into the characters' motivations and struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family loyalty and the pressure to join a gang is compelling and drives the character dynamics in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tao faces a decision that will impact his future relationships and choices.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gang dynamics and explores the protagonist's internal struggles in a unique way. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicting desires that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Tao faces a decision that could lead to significant character growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his identity and gain respect within his gang. This reflects his deeper need for validation and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prove himself to his gang and establish his place within the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between family loyalty and gang pressure creates a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the gang members challenging the protagonist's beliefs and pushing him to make a difficult choice.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of choosing between family loyalty and gang pressure add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dilemmas for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and the protagonist's uncertain choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle between maintaining his identity and conforming to the expectations of his gang. This challenges his beliefs about loyalty and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and conflicting loyalties.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the characters' emotions and inner conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the protagonist's internal struggle, which keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic moment where the protagonist makes a crucial decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed and lacks a clear sense of tension. The dialogue is functional but doesn't showcase the nuances of the characters' personalities or their relationship.
  • The scene relies on stereotypes to portray the characters. Smokie and Spider come across as overly aggressive and cliche gang members, while Tao is portrayed as a passive, easily influenced victim.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks depth. The constant repetition of "we're family," "we'll protect you," and "we got your back" feels forced and undermines the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and unearned. The abrupt cut to black leaves the audience with unanswered questions and a lack of closure.
  • The scene lacks a compelling hook. There's no immediate threat or tension that grabs the audience's attention and keeps them engaged.
  • The scene's purpose isn't entirely clear. The writers seem to be introducing the gang dynamic and Tao's potential involvement but don't fully explore the implications of this development.
Suggestions
  • Develop the scene's tension by focusing on the internal conflict within Tao. Highlight his inner struggle between wanting to be accepted and fear of the consequences.
  • Add details and nuances to the characters' personalities. Explore Smokie's motivations for recruiting Tao and Spider's role in the gang.
  • Strengthen the dialogue by adding layers of meaning and subtext. Give the characters more individual voices and explore their relationships through conversation.
  • Create a more compelling visual language. Use camera angles and close-ups to emphasize the characters' emotions and the subtle power dynamics.
  • Consider adding a hook at the beginning of the scene to pique the audience's interest. For example, a scene that shows Tao experiencing the consequences of his past encounters with the Latinos could increase tension.
  • End the scene on a note of ambiguity or with a cliffhanger. This will leave the audience wanting more and increase their investment in the story.



Scene 9 -  The Priest's Request
INT. GARAGE

ZOOM IN -- There it sits with the tarp rolled back,
Walt’s gorgeous, shining GRAN TORINO.

SMOKIE (O.S.)
Now that’s a car.

SPIDER (O.S.)
Shit ya. 1972 Gran Torino
fastback. Cobra jet engine.
Mint.

Next to the garage, Walt is bent over planting tomatoes.
Walt notices the Hmong punks looking at him.


20 INT. VFW 20
Walt sits at the bar in the VFW (Veterans of Foreign
Wars) drinking with the old buddies and cracking off-
color jokes.

WALT
I got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a
colored guy walk into a bar, the
bartender looks up at them and
says -- ‘get the fuck out.’

The gang laughs, until they see Father Janovich step up
to the bar. He smiles as he recognizes several faces.

FATHER JANOVICH
So, here’s where my flock
congregates when they’re not in
church.


(CONTINUED)
19.
20 CONTINUED: 20
MEL
Hiya, Father J.

FATHER JANOVICH
Hi, Mel. Hey there, Darrel.

DARREL
Hello, Father.

FATHER JANOVICH
Hi, Walt.

Walt says nothing. He just sips his beer.

DARREL
What brings you in here, Father?
The meat raffle?
FATHER JANOVICH
No. I came down to talk to Walt,
if that’s okay.

Mel and Darrel look at Walt. It puts him on the spot.

WALT
I have to hand it to you, Padre.
You are persistent.

FATHER JANOVICH
I promised your wife.

Walt looks over at Mel and Darrel and then back at Father
Janovich.

WALT
Oh Jesus Christ, let’s grab a
booth.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walt, initially enjoying camaraderie with his friends at the VFW, is interrupted by Father Janovich who insists on speaking with him. Walt is visibly uncomfortable and tries to deflect the priest's request, but ultimately agrees to talk after Father Janovich reveals he made a promise to Walt's late wife. The scene ends with Walt agreeing to a private conversation, setting the stage for potential conflict.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Effective portrayal of cultural clash
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene
  • Some dialogue may come off as stereotypical or offensive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the story and establishes the contrasting beliefs and values of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural clash and prejudice is well-developed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as tensions rise between Walt and the Hmong community, setting the stage for future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the tough protagonist archetype and explores complex interpersonal dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Walt's stubbornness and prejudice contrasting with Tao's vulnerability and the Hmong gang's loyalty.

Character Changes: 6

While Walt's character remains steadfast in his beliefs, Tao's vulnerability and exposure to the gang's influence hint at potential changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his tough exterior and resist vulnerability, as seen in his reluctance to engage with Father Janovich.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid confrontation and maintain his reputation among his peers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and the Hmong community is intense and sets the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Father Janovich challenging Walt's beliefs and pushing him out of his comfort zone.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as the cultural clash escalates, leading to potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by intensifying the conflict and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and the unexpected arrival of Father Janovich.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between Walt's hardened exterior and Father Janovich's persistence in reaching out to him, challenging Walt's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions due to the characters' deep-seated prejudices and the escalating tensions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting beliefs and sets the tone for the escalating conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its sharp dialogue, character dynamics, and underlying tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure that effectively builds tension and character development.


Critique
  • The scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus. The jump between the garage and the VFW is abrupt and doesn't flow naturally.
  • The joke told by Walt is not only offensive and unnecessary, but it also reinforces his prejudice, which might be counterproductive to the script's overall message.
  • The interaction between Walt and Father Janovich feels rushed and lacks depth. Their conversation about Walt's wife feels forced and doesn't explore their relationship or its impact on Walt's current state.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot significantly. It's primarily a scene to show Walt's personality and introduce Father Janovich, but it doesn't offer any crucial information or develop any conflicts.
  • The dialogue in the VFW scene feels generic and lacks authenticity. The jokes and conversations lack the nuance and depth that would make these characters feel more real.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and unresolved. It leaves the reader wondering what will happen next and what the purpose of this scene was.
  • The scene provides a missed opportunity to develop Walt's character. We can see that he is struggling to cope with his wife's death and his own personal issues. It would be interesting to see him confront these issues in this scene, rather than just telling a racist joke. Father Janovich's role as a mediator in the scene could have been much stronger.
Suggestions
  • Consider finding a smoother transition between the garage scene and the VFW scene. Perhaps a brief scene of Walt driving to the VFW would help bridge the gap.
  • Cut the racist joke. It's not funny and adds nothing to the story. Instead, focus on Walt's pain and vulnerability in dealing with his wife's death and his own personal demons.
  • Explore the relationship between Walt and Father Janovich more deeply. Let the scene delve into their history, Walt's grief, and Father Janovich's attempts to reach him.
  • Find a way to make this scene more plot-driven. Perhaps Walt's conversation with Father Janovich could reveal something crucial about his past or his current situation.
  • Make the dialogue in the VFW scene more natural and authentic. Let the characters' relationships and personalities shine through their words and actions.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more impactful note. Maybe Father Janovich leaves Walt with a challenge or a question that lingers in the air.
  • Use the scene to reveal Walt's vulnerabilities and his struggles to connect with others. This could be done by having him either reject Father Janovich's attempts to help him or by having him reveal his deepest fears and anxieties.



Scene 10 -  The War Within
21 INT. VFW BOOTH - SAME TIME 21

The waitress comes over.

WALT
I’ll have a Pabst and a shot.
What are you having, Father?

FATHER JANOVICH
I’ll have a Diet Coke.

WALT
Bullshit, this is a bar, what do
you want to drink?


(CONTINUED)
20.
21 CONTINUED: 21
FATHER JANOVICH
Ummmm... I’ll have a gin and
tonic.

WALT
Attaboy.

The waitress leaves.

WALT
So, what do you want?

FATHER JANOVICH
I promised your wife I’d get you
to go to confession.

WALT
Jesus Christ, why’d you do that?

FATHER JANOVICH
She was very insistent. She made
me.

WALT
You sure are fond of promising
people stuff you can’t deliver on.

FATHER JANOVICH
Let’s talk about something else.

WALT
Like what?

FATHER JANOVICH
Life and death.
WALT
What would you know about it?

FATHER JANOVICH
I’d like to think I know a lot.
I’m a priest.

WALT
You stand at the altar and preach
on and on about life and death
without knowing anything other
than what you learned in priest
school. Everything you say sounds
like it’s out of the Rookie
Preachers Handbook.

FATHER JANOVICH
I don’t know about that...

(CONTINUED)
21.
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
Walt waves his hand and cuts him off.

WALT
‘Death is bittersweet? Bitter in
the pain, sweet in the salvation.’
That’s what you know of life and
death? Good God, it’s pathetic.

FATHER JANOVICH
What do you know, Mr. Kowalski?

WALT
Plenty. I lived with death for
three years in Korea. We shot
people, we stabbed them with
bayonets, we hacked seventeen-year-
old kids to death with shovels,
for Christ’s sake. I did things
that won’t leave me till the day I
die, horrible things, things I
have to live with.

FATHER JANOVICH
And what about life?

Walt has to think for a second. He struggles with his
answer.

WALT
Well... I survived the war... got
married... and raised a family.

FATHER JANOVICH
Sounds like you know more about
death than you do living.
Walt downs a shot.

WALT
Maybe so.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt, a cynical veteran, clashes with Father Janovich, a well-intentioned priest, over their contrasting views on life and death. The scene takes place in a dimly lit VFW bar, where Walt's grim experiences in the Korean War clash with Father Janovich's idealistic pronouncements. The tension mounts as Walt dismisses Father Janovich's philosophical discussions, finding solace only in a shot of liquor. The scene ends with the conflict unresolved, leaving the audience with a sense of melancholic tension.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and emotionally charged, providing insight into Walt's character and setting up a conflict between him and Father Janovich.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the contrast between Walt's lived experiences and Father Janovich's religious teachings is compelling and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt's internal struggles and conflicts with Father Janovich are revealed, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring the impact of war on individuals, delving into the psychological and moral consequences of violence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Father Janovich are well-developed and their interactions reveal their contrasting beliefs and personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Walt's character undergoes a subtle shift as he grapples with his past and confronts Father Janovich, hinting at potential growth or change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past experiences in the war and come to terms with the impact it has had on his life. This reflects his deeper need for redemption, understanding, and closure.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal in this scene is to avoid going to confession, as promised to his wife by Father Janovich. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing his past actions and seeking forgiveness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Father Janovich is palpable, adding intensity to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Walt and Father Janovich clash over their beliefs and values, creating a tense and confrontational atmosphere. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Walt confronts his traumatic past and clashes with Father Janovich, revealing the inner turmoil and conflicts within his character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between Walt and Father Janovich, setting the stage for further developments in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' dialogue, the shifting power dynamics between Walt and Father Janovich, and the revelation of hidden emotions and motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrasting perspectives on life and death between Walt, who has experienced the horrors of war, and Father Janovich, who preaches about salvation and redemption. This challenges Walt's beliefs and values, forcing him to confront his own understanding of morality and spirituality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions as Walt's painful memories and resentment are laid bare, creating a sense of empathy and understanding for his character.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, showcasing the tension between Walt and Father Janovich as they discuss life, death, and their differing perspectives.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the deep exploration of moral and philosophical themes, and the raw honesty in the dialogue. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of tension, reflection, and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the character dynamics and thematic depth of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character-driven dialogue scenes, allowing for a natural progression of conflict and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene is a bit too expository. While it's important to establish Walt's hardened perspective and his history with death, the dialogue feels too on-the-nose. It feels like the script is telling us about Walt's experiences rather than showing them.
  • The back and forth between Walt and Father Janovich feels a bit too formulaic. It's clear from the start that Walt will be dismissive, and the dialogue doesn't do much to surprise the audience.
  • While it's effective to contrast Walt's real-world experience with Father Janovich's more idealistic view of life and death, the scene could benefit from a more nuanced approach. We could explore the ways in which both perspectives might be valid, rather than simply pitting them against each other.
  • The scene relies too heavily on dialogue. It would be more compelling to see Walt's reaction to Father Janovich's words through his actions and expressions, rather than just having him verbalize his disdain. For example, we could see Walt fidgeting, looking away, or taking a swig of his drink in frustration.
  • The scene doesn't really move the plot forward. It's mostly an exposition dump, and while it's important to establish Walt's character, the scene could be more impactful if it also advanced the storyline in some way.
Suggestions
  • Try to show Walt's experiences in Korea through flashbacks or subtext, rather than having him simply tell Father Janovich about them. For example, we could see a flashback to a specific event during the war, or we could see Walt having a nightmare that reveals his internal conflict.
  • Add some unexpected elements to the dialogue to keep the audience engaged. Maybe Father Janovich tries a different approach to connecting with Walt, or Walt surprises the priest with a unexpected insight.
  • Explore the possibility of some common ground between Walt and Father Janovich. Maybe they both have a shared experience that they can relate to, or maybe they both have a similar struggle that they can connect over.
  • Use visuals to enhance the scene's impact. We could see Walt's physical reactions to Father Janovich's words, or we could see the setting of the bar itself as a reflection of Walt's inner world.
  • Connect the scene more directly to the overall plot. Maybe Walt's conversation with Father Janovich leads him to make a decision that affects his relationship with his neighbors or family, or maybe the scene reveals something about his motivations for his actions later in the story.



Scene 11 -  Garage Encounter
22 INT. WALT’S BEDROOM - THAT SAME NIGHT 22

Walt hears a sound and wakes up. He’s very groggy, he
had plenty to drink at the VFW.

WALT
Daisy?

The dog sleeps in her bed in the corner. Walt looks at
the clock; it’s 3:48 am.

Walt looks out his bedroom window. He sees the faint
beam of a flashlight in his garage.
(CONTINUED)
22.
22 CONTINUED: 22
WALT
Son of a bitch.

Walt pulls on his robe, opens the closet and pulls out
the big, 30-06 M1 Garand Rifle he took home from Korea.

Walt slides a magazine into the top of the M1 and
chambers a round with a loud SNAP.


23 INT. GARAGE - SECONDS LATER 23

The light flips on and before he can blink, Tao is face
to face with the barrel of Walt’s M1 RIFLE.

Walt is silent, he has one eye closed so he can better
aim at Tao’s forehead -- which is nine inches away. Tao
drops the tool he was holding, it bounces with a loud
metallic clang.

Tao backs away, his eyes wide with terror. As Tao backs
up, Walt advances, step for step.

Tao trips over a garden hose, which causes Walt to trip.
They both start to fall. The lightbulb is bumped with
the rifle barrel and swings back and forth.

As Walt hits the garage floor, he accidentally FIRES THE
RIFLE. The bullet goes through a big, metal Hamm’s Beer
sign on the wall.

Tao scrambles to his feet and jumps like a deer over
Walt. Tao runs out of the garage and into the night.

Walt lies on the floor for a second, stunned. Sweat runs
down his forehead. He coughs up blood. The lightbulb
still swings, casting odd shadows in the garage.

WALT
Shit.


24 EXT. ALLEY - SAME TIME 24

Tao scrambles down the alley. Parked off to the side is
Spider’s Honda. Spider opens the door.

SPIDER
Get in, get in!

Tao runs right past him. Spider guns the motor and pulls
in front of Tao. Smokie, Spider and another gangbanger
get out.


(CONTINUED)
23.
24 CONTINUED: 24
SMOKIE
Get in, Tao.

TAO
No way. No fucking way. Leave me
alone!

Smokie, Spider and the other gangbanger grab Tao.

SPIDER
I vouched for you, Tao, because
you’re family and you’re with us
now.

Tao struggles.

TAO
He shot at me! I’m out! I’m
out!!!

Tao squirms out of Smokie’s grasp. Smokie yells at Tao
as he runs away...

SMOKIE
Don’t fool yourself, Tao. You
don’t join us and bail. Dumb
motherfucker.

SPIDER
Should we go after him?

SMOKIE
Naw, he’s got nowhere to go.
Let’s get out of here.

25 INT. GARAGE - AFTERNOON 25

Walt drills heavy-gauge screen mesh over the windows on
the garage. The phone rings and Walt answers.

WALT
Hello?

MITCH (V.O.)
Morning, Dad, it’s your number one
son, Mitch.

WALT
It’s one in the afternoon.

The CAMERA now INTERCUTS BETWEEN Walt and Mitch in the
kitchen of his huge, modern suburban house.


(CONTINUED)
24.
25 CONTINUED: 25
MITCH
Right, good afternoon, then.

WALT
So, what do you want?

MITCH
Me? Nothing. What would I want?

WALT
I don’t know. Your wife already
went through all of your mother’s
jewelry.

MITCH
No. I was just wondering how you
are, what’s going on, anything new
in the old neighborhood?

Walt looks at the bullet hole in his Hamm’s Beer sign.

WALT
Nope.

MITCH
Great. Smooth sailing then?

WALT
Yup.

There’s a very painful pause in the conversation.

MITCH
Well good... Say, Dad?

WALT
Uh-huh.

MITCH
Do you still know that guy from
the plant who has Viking season
tickets?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Walt is awakened by a noise and finds Tao in his garage. He confronts Tao with a rifle, accidentally firing and injuring himself. Tao flees, while Walt later lies to his son Mitch about the incident.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of cultural differences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and gripping, effectively building tension and showcasing the characters' conflicting emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between two characters with opposing views and backgrounds is well-executed and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the escalation of conflict between Walt and Tao, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a home invasion but adds a unique twist with Walt's military background and the unexpected outcome of the confrontation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Walt and Tao are well-developed and their interactions reveal deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao undergo subtle changes in their perceptions of each other and the situation, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to protect his home and loved ones from potential threats. This reflects his need for security and safety, as well as his fear of losing control over his environment.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to confront and potentially scare off the intruder in his garage. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in protecting his property and asserting his authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Tao reaches a high level, creating a sense of danger and unpredictability.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt facing off against multiple gang members and a tense standoff that keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the confrontation between Walt and Tao escalates, leading to potentially life-threatening consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Walt accidentally firing the rifle and Tao's escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's sense of justice and the gang members' loyalty and code of conduct. Walt's actions challenge the gang members' assumptions about power and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and anger, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and realistic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and strong character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted with clear action lines and dialogue, following the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a confrontation, and a resolution, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful thriller.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit rushed and lacks the same emotional weight as other scenes in the script. The conflict between Walt and Tao is established, but it is resolved too quickly. Tao's escape is anticlimactic and lacks suspense. It feels like the writer is trying to move the plot forward at the expense of character development and tension.
  • The scene relies too heavily on action and dialogue. There is not enough internal monologue or visual imagery to provide depth to the characters' emotional states. The reader does not get a strong sense of how either Walt or Tao are feeling.
  • The scene also contains a lot of unnecessary exposition. The fact that Walt is drunk is mentioned multiple times and is not particularly relevant to the action. The dialogue is also quite expository, with characters stating their intentions rather than showing them.
  • The interaction between Walt and Tao is one-sided. Walt is the aggressor, but we don't get much sense of what Tao is thinking or feeling. The scene needs to give us a more nuanced look at both characters' perspectives.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. We don't get a clear sense of what the consequences of the shooting will be, either for Walt or for Tao. The scene also ends with a quick cut to the next location, leaving the reader feeling confused and disoriented.
  • The 'gunning down' of the Hamm's Beer sign, while humorous, is unnecessary and distracts from the seriousness of the scene. It seems more like a gag than a serious development.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a close-up of Walt's face as he wakes from sleep. Show his anxiety and confusion as he realizes he has heard a noise. This will build tension and allow the reader to understand his emotional state.
  • Focus more on the internal thoughts and feelings of both Walt and Tao. What is Walt thinking as he aims the rifle at Tao? What is Tao feeling as he faces the barrel of the gun? This will add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Remove some of the unnecessary exposition. For example, you could cut the lines about Walt being drunk or the details about the tool Tao was holding. Instead, focus on showing the action and allowing the reader to infer the details.
  • Show the interaction between Walt and Tao from Tao's perspective as well. What is he thinking as he backs away? What is he feeling as he runs away? This will help the reader to understand his motivations and his emotional state.
  • End the scene with a lingering shot of Walt on the floor, with the lightbulb still swinging back and forth. This will create a sense of unease and suspense, leaving the reader wanting to know what happens next.



Scene 12 -  Night of Chaos
26 EXT. WALT’S DRIVEWAY - DAY 26

Walt has parked the Gran Torino at an angle across his
driveway. Walt mutters as he rubs Turtle Wax on his car.


27 EXT. DRIVEWAY - THAT AFTERNOON 27

Walt fishes out a soft pack of cigarettes and lights one.
He exhales as he looks at his car.

(CONTINUED)
25.
27 CONTINUED: 27
It’s stunning. It absolutely sparkles. The chrome
shines, the tires look new and the paint is waxed and
polished.

Walt looks up again and his eyes sweep the neighborhood
in defiance. A couple of Hmong teenagers look at the
car.

WALT
(mutters)
That’s right, ain’t she pretty.

Walt drops down heavily into an old lawn chair and pops
open a can of Pabst.

DISSOLVE TO:

28 EXT. WALT’S DRIVEWAY - EVENING 28

Dusk is falling. Walt finally gets up, folds up his lawn
chair and walks stiffly back into the garage.

Walt flips on the outdoor light, highlighting the Gran
Torino still sitting at an angle in the driveway. The
whole scene looks like a mid-sixties car ad in Popular
Mechanics.

Walt goes in the back door and a moment later the kitchen
light comes on. The Gran Torino remains in the driveway.

It’s a challenge, an invitation. Walt is daring the
thief to come back. And Walt’s ready this time.


29 EXT. WALT’S STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT 29
The tricked-out Honda drives up, but doesn’t stop at
Walt’s. It pulls up in front of Tao’s house. Tao and
Sue exchange looks out on the front step.

Smokie, Spider and two others get out, walking
confidently up the sidewalk towards them. They grin,
they’re cocky.

SPIDER
Hey, cuz. What’s up?

TAO
What are you doing here?

SPIDER
Be happy. We’ve got good news.


(CONTINUED)
26.
29 CONTINUED: 29
SUE
Oh really? What’s that?

SMOKIE
We’re giving you another shot.

TAO
I don’t think so.

SMOKIE
You blew it the first time. We’ve
got another little inauguration
planned for you. This time
there’ll be no mistakes.

SUE
Another big, tough gangbanger with
‘little-man’ complex.
Smokie leers at Sue. It makes her uncomfortable.

SMOKIE
I got my eye on you too, little
girl.

SUE
Whatever.

SMOKIE
Come on, Tao. Let’s go.

Tao says nothing. He looks at the ground.

SPIDER
He said, let’s go.
SMOKIE
Come on, man. Nobody’s gonna get
hurt. We’ll take care of you.

SUE
Don’t go, Tao.

SMOKIE
You mind your own business, girl.

Two Hmong gangbangers grab Tao by the arms.

The front door swings open and there stands a glaring
Phong.

PHONG
(subtitled)
Leave my grandson alone!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
27.
29 CONTINUED: (2) 29
PHONG (CONT'D)
I know what you are. Go away and
don’t come back.

SMOKIE
That old woman’s got bigger balls
than you. You always let little
girls and old ladies fight for
you?

Tao tries to squirm away. Smokie grabs him by the hair
and opens his coat to reveal the PISTOL in his belt.

SMOKIE
I’m not gonna say it again. Let’s
go. Now.

Tao is shoved towards the car.
Suddenly -- Sue jumps on the back of one of the
gangbangers and knocks him to the ground. Tao breaks
free.

SUE
Run, Tao, run!

Sue is slapped to the ground.

SUE
RUN!!

Tao is tackled by Smokie and punched in the face. Tao’s
mother comes out the front door.

Smokie and Spider pull Tao towards the car as the other
gangbangers keep Mom, Grandma and Sue at bay.
A middle-aged Hmong Man from across the street comes into
the yard. All the gangbangers overreact and pull their
pistols. The middle-aged Hmong Man gets in Spider’s face
and is cracked across the jaw with a pistol barrel.

Tao back-pedals away from Spider and Smokie. It becomes
a pushing, rolling, surging melee.

This mess boils over and spills into Walt’s front yard.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Action"]

Summary Walt's polished car sits in his driveway as a group of Hmong gangbangers, led by Smokie and Spider, confront Tao at his home, attempting to force him into a gang initiation. When Tao resists, the gang threatens him with a gun, prompting Sue to intervene and fight back. The situation escalates as Tao's grandmother, Phong, and his mother join the fray, leading to a chaotic melee that spills into Walt's yard, leaving the outcome uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of gang members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, setting the stage for a major conflict and showcasing intense emotions and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rival gangs, family loyalty, and escalating tensions is well-executed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the confrontation between the gangs adding layers of complexity and setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on themes of community, identity, and conflict, with authentic dialogue and realistic character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicting loyalties that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the escalating conflict sets the stage for potential transformations in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to protect his neighborhood and assert his authority in the face of potential threats. This reflects his need for control and security, as well as his fear of losing his sense of identity and purpose.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to prevent the gang from causing harm to the Hmong family and to maintain order in his neighborhood. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with criminal activity and protecting his community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, driving the tension and setting the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, physical conflict, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the potential for violence, betrayal, and significant consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the escalating tension between the gang and the Hmong family.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of respect, family, and tradition represented by the Hmong community, and the values of violence, power, and intimidation represented by the gang. This challenges Walt's beliefs about justice, morality, and the role of an individual in society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly tension and defiance, from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and confrontational, effectively conveying the escalating conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflict, and emotional impact on the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining tension, with a balance of action and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is standard for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too expository and predictable. It relies heavily on dialogue to move the plot forward. There is not a lot of action or tension in the scene. The audience already knows that Tao will be forced into the gang, so the suspense is minimal.
  • The scene is repetitive. There is too much emphasis on dialogue like "What’s that?" or "I don’t think so." which doesn't add much to the narrative. The dialogue also feels clunky and unnatural. The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling and less reliance on dialogue.
  • The scene lacks visual detail. The setting is not fully realized, and the descriptions of the characters' actions and appearance are not very evocative. The reader is not fully immersed in the scene.
  • The conflict in the scene is not fully explored. The gang members' motivations for wanting Tao to join their group are not clear. The scene also lacks a clear resolution. The scene ends with the gang members pulling Tao toward their car.
  • The scene could use a better hook. The scene begins with Walt's car and his anticipation of the gang's arrival. The scene needs a stronger opening that will grab the reader's attention.
  • The scene feels unemotional. The characters do not have a lot of emotional depth, and the scene does not evoke a strong emotional response from the reader. We need to feel the tension of the moment from Tao's POV.
  • The scene could benefit from a better pacing. The dialogue is too fast, and the scene moves too quickly. The scene could use more pauses and moments of reflection to build suspense and tension.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the internal conflict of Tao. What is he thinking and feeling? He wants to be accepted, but he also doesn't want to join a gang. Show this conflict through his actions and expressions.
  • Show, don't tell. Use more visual language to describe the setting and the characters' actions. Get rid of the stage directions that are too long (for example, a description of Walt's car that is so specific it is like a car commercial).
  • Add more layers to the scene. What are the relationships between the characters like? What are the gang members' motives? Why is Tao so reluctant to join? How does the gang's presence affect the street?
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger. What happens after the gang members drag Tao towards the car?
  • Think about the scene's overall tone and how it contributes to the larger story. The scene's tone should be ominous and suspenseful but also reflect the deeper conflict of Tao's inner struggle.
  • Use dialogue to reveal character, not just to move the plot forward. Let the dialogue be more natural. Give the characters specific dialogue that reflects their personalities and their individual experiences.
  • Add a visual element that will symbolize the conflict between Tao and the gang members. It could be a symbol of power, like the pistol, or a symbol of rebellion, like the broken lawn gnome.
  • Show the characters' reactions to the situation. How does Sue feel about her brother's predicament? How does the middle-aged Hmong man react? How does Tao's mother react?



Scene 13 -  Defiance in the Yard
30 EXT. WALT’S YARD - SAME TIME 30

The gangbangers, Tao, his mother, grandmother and Sue all
struggle on Walt’s painstakingly maintained lawn.

A ceramic Lawn Gnome is knocked over and breaks.


(CONTINUED)
28.
30 CONTINUED: 30
And before anyone can blink, WALT has the muzzle of his
big 30-06 M1 Garand Rifle pointing at Smokie’s face.

WALT
Get off my lawn.

SMOKIE
Listen, old man, you don’t want...

WALT
I said get off my lawn. Now.

Walt’s calm demeanor is unnerving to the gangbangers.
The guns in their hands seem tiny compared to the big
military rifle Walt holds.

SMOKIE
Are you fucking crazy? Go back in
your house, old man.

WALT
Get off my lawn.

SMOKIE
I’m not fucking around, Gramps.

Walt spits out the side of his mouth. He grins.

WALT
Don’t think for a second I won’t
blow a big hole in your face and
it won’t bother me a bit, not any
more than if I shot a deer. Now
get off my goddamned lawn.

Two of the Hmong gangbangers take a step back. Walt
senses their fear. Only Smokie holds his ground.

WALT
Believe me, kid, I’ll blow your
damn head off, go back to bed and
sleep like a baby. I couldn’t
care less.

SMOKIE
I’m not gonna warn you again!

Walt laughs...

WALT
You’re nothing to me. In Korea,
we stacked fucks like you five
feet high and used you as
sandbags.

(CONTINUED)
29.
30 CONTINUED: (2) 30
Complete silence, there’s no sound anywhere in the
neighborhood. All eyes are on Walt.

Walt CLICKS OFF the safety on the M1 Garand Rifle.

Smokie and the gangbangers give Walt fierce looks, but
melt back towards their car.

As they get into the car -- Smokie has to say something.

SMOKIE
You better watch yourself, old
man.

The Honda screeches its tires and goes off down the
street.
Walt looks at Tao, Sue, Mom and Grandma who stand in
stunned silence in his front yard.

A PAUSE. Finally, Sue speaks up...

SUE
Thank you.

Walt lowers his rifle and spits on the ground.

WALT
I said get off my lawn.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary In a tense confrontation, Walt, an elderly man, emerges from his house armed with a rifle to confront a group of gangbangers, including Smokie, who are causing a disturbance in his yard. Despite their initial bravado, the gangbangers are intimidated by Walt's fierce demeanor and threats, ultimately retreating to their car as he demands they leave his property. The scene culminates with Walt standing victorious in his yard, having successfully defended his home.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Character depth and development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of race and ethnicity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and sets up a significant conflict that will likely have repercussions in the story. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a standoff between an elderly man and a group of gangbangers in a suburban setting is compelling and adds layers to the themes of race, protection, and defiance.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of this confrontation, setting up future conflicts and character developments. The tension created in this scene adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the trope of a confrontation between an elderly protagonist and gangbangers, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel true to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Walt's defiance and past experiences coming to the forefront. The gangbangers' fear and aggression are also effectively portrayed, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While Walt's character remains defiant and protective, the confrontation with the gangbangers may lead to further development and changes in his outlook. The gangbangers also show fear and aggression, hinting at potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 9

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to assert his authority and protect his home and values. This reflects his need for control, security, and a sense of power in the face of danger.

External Goal: 8

Walt's external goal is to confront and intimidate the gangbangers to leave his property. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his safety and boundaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in this scene is intense and high-stakes, with Walt facing off against the gangbangers to protect his property. The tension is palpable and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the gangbangers posing a real threat to Walt's safety and values, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with Walt facing off against armed gangbangers to protect his property. The potential for violence and the characters' conflicting motivations raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up future events. The tension and stakes raised in this scene will likely have repercussions on the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and the uncertainty of how the confrontation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's values of honor, duty, and protection of his home against the gangbangers' disregard for authority and power. This challenges Walt's beliefs about respect and the consequences of violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and defiance, creating an emotional impact on the characters and the audience. Walt's past experiences and the gangbangers' aggression add emotional depth to the confrontation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' motivations and conflicts effectively. Walt's confrontational tone and the gangbangers' defiance create a tense atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense dialogue, and the sense of danger and power dynamics at play.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of escalating tension and confrontation, effectively building towards a climax.


Critique
  • The scene is exciting and impactful, showcasing Walt's forceful personality and his unexpected role as a protector. The tension is effectively built through the gangbangers' aggression and Walt's unyielding response.
  • The scene's dialogue is effective in demonstrating Walt's power and the gangbangers' fear. Walt's blunt and violent threats are both intimidating and surprising.
  • The scene's visuals are strong, with the contrast between the gangbangers' small guns and Walt's large rifle creating a powerful image. The click of the safety being released adds suspense and underscores the threat Walt poses.
  • However, the scene's ending feels abrupt and leaves the audience with unanswered questions. We see Walt's triumph over the gangbangers, but the scene abruptly cuts to Sue's thanks, leaving us wondering about the gangbangers' long-term reaction.
  • The pacing of the scene could be more dynamic. The back and forth between Walt and Smokie could be tightened to create a more thrilling exchange.
  • The scene could benefit from exploring the emotional impact of the events on the other characters. We only see Sue's brief thank you, but we don't see Tao's reaction or the emotional toll of the encounter on his mother and grandmother.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene to show the immediate aftermath of the gangbangers' retreat. This could involve a moment of relief for Tao and his family, a lingering sense of fear, or even a conversation about the potential repercussions of Walt's actions.
  • Explore the emotional toll of the event on the other characters, particularly Tao. How does he feel about Walt protecting him? Does he respect Walt's actions? Does he feel indebted to him?
  • Consider adding a visual or dialogue element to further emphasize the contrast between the gangbangers and Walt. Perhaps a close-up shot of the gangbangers' faces as they stare at Walt's rifle, or a line of dialogue where one of the gangbangers expresses their fear.
  • The scene could benefit from a more gradual buildup of tension. Perhaps the gangbangers enter Walt's yard and begin threatening him before Walt emerges with his rifle. This would give the scene a more dramatic arc.
  • Consider adding a visual element to showcase the impact of Walt's words on the gangbangers. Perhaps a close-up shot of their eyes widening in fear, or a cut to a reaction shot of one of the gangbangers visibly trembling.



Scene 14 -  Gifts and Anger
31 INT. WALT’S HOUSE - NEXT MORNING 31

We hear a sound outside. Walt grabs his rifle, swings
open the front door and leads with the barrel.
CUT TO:


32 EXT. WALT’S FRONT PORCH - SAME TIME 32

Walt looks around and slowly lowers his rifle.

His front porch is covered with FLOWERS and FRUIT and
GIFTS of food. There must be a dozen different gifts
piled there.

Daisy comes out and stretches on the porch, before
putting her nose in a food basket.

WALT
Bad dog. Bad deaf, dumb, blind
dog.
30.


33 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - DAY 33

Walt carries three big bouquets of flowers to the trash.
He dumps them on top of other gifts he received from the
Hmongs. His garbage is overflowing.

Coming down the alley is another Hmong couple, they smile
carrying a basket filled with Asian vegetables.

Walt holds up his hand like a traffic cop.

WALT
No. No more.

The Hmong couple nod, say something with a smile and turn
around.

NEXT DOOR

Tao, his mother and Sue argue in the yard. They gesture
towards Walt’s house. The women buzz around Tao, all
speaking in his ear at the same time.

Phong yells at them from the porch, but they ignore her.

Walt watches as the mother and Sue march Tao towards his
house. Tao looks like a whipped dog.

WALT
Why won’t these people leave me
alone?

Walt walks out to meet them at his property line and puts
up his hands, indicating they’ve come far enough.
Sue holds up a plant.

SUE
We brought you some shallots to
plant in your garden.

WALT
I don’t want them.

SUE
They’re perennials, they come back
every year.

WALT
No. You keep them. Why do you
people keep giving me all this
garbage?
Sue is a little taken aback.
(CONTINUED)
31.
33 CONTINUED: 33
SUE
Because... because you saved Tao.

WALT
No, I didn’t. All I did was get a
bunch of jabbering gooks off my
lawn.

SUE
Well, you’re a hero to the
neighborhood.

WALT
No, I’m not.

SUE
Too bad, they think you are and
that’s why they’re bringing you
the gifts.

WALT
Just take your plant and leave me
alone.

Walt turns and starts to walk away.

Tao’s mother speaks rapidly in Hmong to Sue. They look
at Tao and then to Walt.

SUE
There’s another thing.

WALT
What?

SUE
This is my mother, Vu, I’m Sue and
this is my brother, Tao. We live
next door.

WALT
So?

SUE
Tao is here to apologize.

Sue shoots a hard look at Tao, who shifts uncomfortably.

TAO
I’m sorry.

WALT
For what?


(CONTINUED)
32.
33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
TAO
For trying to steal your car.

Walt’s eyes go wide in recognition. He turns white with
rage.

WALT
Get this straight, I see you on my
property again, you’re done.

Walt turns on his heels and storms into his house.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt wakes up to find his porch covered in gifts from the Hmong community, causing him to angrily throw them away. He continues his resentment by refusing further gifts from a Hmong couple. Meanwhile, Tao and his family argue with Phong next door, and Tao is brought to Walt's house to apologize for trying to steal Walt's car. Despite Sue's attempts to explain the Hmong community's intentions, Walt angrily rejects their apology and warns Tao to stay off his property before storming into his house, leaving the Hmong family behind.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Negative sentiment
  • Prejudiced language
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets the stage for further conflict, with strong emotional resonance and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural differences, prejudice, and personal grudges is well-developed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as tensions between Walt and the Hmong neighbors reach a boiling point, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of cultural clashes and personal boundaries, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting personalities and motivations add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Walt's deep-seated prejudices and anger are further revealed, while Tao shows remorse and attempts to make amends.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his independence and privacy, reflecting his deeper need for solitude and autonomy. He fears being overwhelmed by the attention and gifts from the Hmong community, and desires to be left alone.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reject the gifts and apologies from the Hmong community, reflecting the immediate challenge of asserting his boundaries and dealing with unwanted attention.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and the Hmong neighbors is intense and drives the scene forward with high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt's resistance to the Hmong community's gestures and Tao's apology creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty about the characters' future interactions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the confrontation between Walt and the Hmong neighbors intensifies, leading to potential consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and deepening the characters' dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Tao's apology for trying to steal Walt's car, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between individualism and community, as Walt values his privacy and independence while the Hmong community values gratitude and reciprocity. This challenges Walt's beliefs about self-sufficiency and isolation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially anger and resentment, from both the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' emotions and biases effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters, the cultural dynamics at play, and the emotional stakes involved in the interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for character interactions to unfold naturally, and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and conflict development.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a jump cut from Walt's interior to the exterior of his porch, which feels abrupt and disorienting. The scene doesn't flow smoothly and the lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to understand the situation.
  • The scene is reliant on exposition. The dialogue is clunky and expository, and the writer uses the character of Sue to tell the audience about the Hmong community. This feels unnatural and unearned, and it would be more effective if the information was revealed through more subtle means.
  • The scene suffers from a lack of conflict. While there is a hint of tension, it ultimately resolves itself in a predictable and unsatisfying manner. Walt's angry outburst and rejection of the apology feels forced, and it's not clear why he reacts so intensely to Tao's apology.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt. Walt's departure into the house leaves the audience with a sense of incompleteness and an unanswered question about what will happen next. It's difficult to imagine that Walt would not engage more with Tao and his family after such a forceful confrontation.
  • The characters of Tao and his family are not fully developed in this scene. They are portrayed as one-dimensional characters with simple motivations. The scene would be more effective if the writer gave them more depth and complexity.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. The gifts from the Hmong community and Tao's apology do not seem to drive the story forward. The scene would be more engaging if it had a clear goal or objective.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the opening of the scene to establish context for the audience. For example, you could show Walt waking up and noticing the gifts on his porch, or have a brief conversation with Daisy that leads to the discovery of the gifts.
  • Instead of having Sue deliver exposition about the Hmong community, use subtler means to convey this information. You could have Walt observe the Hmong family next door, or have a conversation with Father Janovich about the Hmong community.
  • Develop the conflict in the scene. Explore Walt's reasons for rejecting the apology and the gifts. Maybe he is afraid of feeling indebted to the Hmong community, or perhaps he is still angry about the previous events. You could also explore Tao's motivations for apologizing and the tension between him and his family.
  • Consider adding a scene where Walt reflects on the events of the previous night. This could provide insight into his emotional state and his motivations for rejecting the apology. You could also explore the impact of his actions on Tao and his family.
  • Give more depth to the characters of Tao and his family. Explore their individual perspectives, their relationship with Walt, and their motivations for their actions.
  • Create a clear purpose for the scene. For example, you could use the scene to build tension for an upcoming confrontation, to explore Walt's character arc, or to develop the relationship between Walt and Tao.



Scene 15 -  Haunted by Choice
34 INT. WALT’S ENTRYWAY 34

The doorbell rings. Walt opens it to find Father
Janovich standing on his front step.
FATHER JANOVICH
Good afternoon, Walt.

Walt’s eyes narrow.

FATHER JANOVICH
I mean, Mr. Kowalski.

WALT
I already told you I’m not going
to confession.

FATHER JANOVICH
Why didn’t you just call the
police?

WALT
Pardon?
FATHER JANOVICH
I do work with some of the Hmong
gangs and I heard there was some
trouble in the neighborhood. Why
didn’t you call the police?

WALT
Oh, I prayed for them to show up,
but guess what? No answer.

FATHER JANOVICH
What were you thinking? Someone
could have been killed. We’re
talking life and death here.




(CONTINUED)
33.
34 CONTINUED: 34
WALT
Not that it’s any of your
goddamned business, but when
things happen quickly like that,
you have to react. In Korea, we
never ‘called the police’ when a
swarm of screaming gooks came
pouring into our lines. We
reacted.

FATHER JANOVICH
We’re not in Korea, Mr. Kowalski.

Walt says nothing.

FATHER JANOVICH
I’ve been thinking about our
discussion on life and death.
About what you said. About how
you carry around the horrible
things you were forced to do.
Horrible things that won’t leave
you. It seems that it would do
you good to unload some of that
burden. Things done during war
are terrible, being ordered to
kill, killing to save others,
killing to save yourself. You’re
right, those are things I don’t
know anything about. But I do
know about forgiveness. And I’ve
seen a lot of men who have
confessed their sins, admitted
their guilt and left their burdens
behind them. Stronger men than
you. Men at war who were ordered
to do appalling things and are now
at peace.

Walt nods. Father Janovich threw a bull’s-eye. Almost.

WALT
I’m impressed. You came with your
guns loaded, for once.

FATHER JANOVICH
Thank you.

WALT
You have balls, Father. And what
you said, you’re right. I’m sure
stronger men than me have found
their salvation. Hallelujah. But
there’s one thing you’re way wrong
about.
(CONTINUED)
34.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
FATHER JANOVICH
What’s that, Mr. Kowalski?

WALT
The thing that haunts a guy is the
stuff he wasn’t ordered to do.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Father Janovich visits Walt at his home, attempting to convince him to confess his war crimes and find peace. Walt initially resists, but Janovich's arguments resonate, prompting Walt to admit that the most disturbing actions were those he chose to commit, revealing a deeper layer of guilt and internal conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged and delves deep into the protagonist's inner turmoil, providing insight into his character and setting up potential growth. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the conflict forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting past traumas and the idea of forgiveness are central to the scene, adding depth to the protagonist's character and setting up potential arcs.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the protagonist's internal struggles are brought to the forefront, leading to a confrontation with the priest and highlighting the differences in their perspectives.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on themes of war, guilt, and redemption, presenting a nuanced portrayal of the characters' internal conflicts. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with the protagonist's complex emotions and the priest's contrasting beliefs creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist shows signs of potential growth or change as he grapples with his past actions and the idea of forgiveness.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to defend his actions and beliefs, particularly regarding his past experiences in Korea and the burden he carries from his wartime actions. This reflects his deeper need for validation and understanding of his choices.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to assert his independence and autonomy, refusing to engage in confession or seek help from Father Janovich. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his sense of control and self-reliance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict between the protagonist and the priest, stemming from their differing views on forgiveness and redemption.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values driving the conflict between Walt and Father Janovich. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the protagonist confronts his past actions and struggles with the idea of forgiveness, which could have significant implications for his character arc.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the protagonist's internal conflict and setting up potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' dialogue and actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, guilt, and redemption. Walt's perspective on the burden of his past actions clashes with Father Janovich's belief in the power of confession and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in exploring the protagonist's traumatic past and his struggle to come to terms with it.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, poignant, and reveals a lot about the characters' motivations and inner conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict between the characters, the emotional depth of the dialogue, and the underlying tension that drives the interaction. The audience is drawn into the characters' internal struggles and moral dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a somewhat jarring dialogue exchange. While the writer is clearly setting up the central conflict, the dialogue feels a bit clunky and expositional.
  • The scene has a lot of exposition about the Hmong gangs and Walt's experience in Korea. The writer needs to find a more organic way to convey this information to the audience.
  • The scene seems to be moving too fast. The writer has a lot of ground to cover in terms of character development and plot progression, but the scene feels a bit rushed.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Father Janovich feels a bit one-sided. Walt does most of the talking, and Father Janovich is mostly there to offer advice.
  • The scene doesn’t quite capture the “burden” that Walt has been carrying around. This scene focuses on the external conflict, but it misses the opportunity to delve into the internal conflict that Walt is struggling with. The scene needs to more effectively explore the toll that the war has taken on Walt.
  • The scene's ending feels a bit abrupt. It would be helpful to see a reaction from Father Janovich after Walt's revelation about the things he wasn't ordered to do. This would give the scene a more satisfying sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider opening the scene with a more visually engaging moment, such as Walt staring out his window, or looking at a photograph or war memento. This will help to set the scene and the mood.
  • The writer should incorporate more subtle ways to convey information to the audience. Instead of having characters explicitly state facts, the writer should use dialogue, action, and visuals to suggest these things.
  • The writer could slow down the pace of the scene. This could be achieved by adding more dialogue, internal monologue, or flashback sequences.
  • The writer should give Father Janovich more agency in the scene. The writer could add more dialogue for Father Janovich, and make him more active in the conversation.
  • The writer should explore the emotional impact of the war on Walt. The scene should reveal the depth of Walt's trauma and show the audience how the war has shaped his personality and his world view.
  • The writer could end the scene with a more impactful moment. Perhaps Father Janovich offers Walt a moment of genuine empathy, or Walt begins to grapple with his guilt and regret.



Scene 16 -  Barbershop and Beyond
35 INT. OLD SCHOOL BARBERSHOP 35

The old, balding BARBER finishes cutting Walt’s hair.

BARBER
There, you look like a human being
again. You shouldn’t wait so long
between haircuts, you cheap
bastard.
WALT
I’m just amazed that you’re still
alive. I keep hoping you’ll die
and they’ll get someone good in
here, but you just hang in there,
you dumb, Italian-Wop-Dago, you.

BARBER
That’ll be ten dollars, Walt.

WALT
Ten dollars? Jesus Christ,
Martin, you keep raising the
price. You sure you’re not part
Jew?

Martin the Barber laughs at Walt.
BARBER
It’s been ten bucks for the last
five years and you know it, you
thick-skulled, old Pollack son of
a bitch.

WALT
Here’s ten, keep the change.

BARBER
See you in three weeks, you prick.

WALT
If you live that long, dipshit.

Walt and Martin shake hands and Walt walks out.
35.


36 EXT. BARBERSHOP - SAME TIME 36

Walt gets in his old Ford pickup and drives off. This is
a very bad, rundown neighborhood.


37 EXT. SIDEWALK - SAME TIME 37

Sue walks with her ridiculous Wigger (urban white kid)
boyfriend, TREY. Trey wears big baggy pants, a sports
jersey and an Oakland Raiders visor upside-down and
backwards.

They walk past three BLACK GUYS leaning against a
building. The TALL BLACK GUY spots Sue and smiles.

TALL BLACK GUY
Hey, girl, you come over here and
talk to me. Come on, baby, don’t
be shy.

Trey and Sue move as far over on the sidewalk as they can
to avoid the black guys. They try to ignore them.

TALL BLACK GUY
Come on, sweetie, don’t be like
that. You talk to me, don’t be
all stuck up and shit.


ACROSS THE STREET

Walt waits at a stoplight. He watches Sue and Trey and
the three black guys who block their path.

One black guy flips Trey’s VISOR onto the ground. The
Tall Guy makes “kissy faces” at Sue as he touches his
crotch.

Walt sits there for a second; he shouldn’t help, but Walt
solves every situation by being aggressive.

Walt drives off, then makes a U-turn.

The Tall Black Guy now focuses on Trey.

TALL BLACK GUY
What are you ‘sposed to be?

Trey puts up his hand to “hi-five.” The Tall Black Guy
just looks at him.

TREY
Yo, it’s cool, dog.

(CONTINUED)
36.
37 CONTINUED: 37
TALL BLACK GUY
What the fuck are you doing in my
neighborhood, boy?

TREY
Nothing. We’re going to Red Roost
to get some CDs. That place is
trippin’, bro.

TALL BLACK GUY
What you call me, you fucking with
me, bitch? You think you’re
funny?

TREY
Nothing. No.
TALL BLACK GUY
I’m warning you, boy. What you
all come up in here for? You here
to bring me this present?

TREY
Huh?

TALL BLACK GUY
This Oriental yummy for me? Don’t
worry, I’ll take good care of her.

SUE
Great, another asshole with a
fetish for Asian girls. God, it
gets so old.

TALL BLACK GUY
What’s your name, girl?
SUE
My name? It’s ‘take your crude,
overly obvious come-on to every
woman who walks past and cram it.’
That’s my name.

TALL BLACK GUY
You should keep your bitch on a
leash, put a choke chain on this
whore and yank.

SUE
Oh, of course, right to the
stereotype thesaurus. Call me
‘whore’ and ‘bitch’ in the same
sentence.


(CONTINUED)
37.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
The Tall Black Guy grabs Sue by the arm. Trey moves
slightly towards Sue and is pushed down into a pile of
garbage.

TALL BLACK GUY
You think you’re pretty funny,
don’t you?

SUE
What, are you gonna hit me now?
That’d pretty much complete the
picture.

The Tall Black Guy pushes Sue hard against the wall.

TALL BLACK GUY
You don’t know when to quit.
The old, black pickup pulls up and stops next to them.
Sue, Trey and the black guys look over.

Walt sits behind the wheel, he looks right through the
Tall Black Guy.

TALL BLACK GUY
What the fuck you looking at, old
man?

WALT
You... and your buddies. What’s
the matter with you? Don’t any of
you work? I see you lazy show-
offs in the middle of the day,
slowly walking across the street
or harassing women. Nobody owes
you bastards anything so go out
and get a job instead of pushing
little girls around, for Christ’s
sake.

TALL BLACK GUY
Why don’t you get the fuck out of
here, while I’ll still let you.

BLACK GUY #2
That’s right, bitch.

WALT
What makes you spooks think you
can bully a couple kids with
impunity?

TALL BLACK GUY
What?! Are you fucking crazy?

(CONTINUED)
38.
37 CONTINUED: (3) 37
WALT
Look at me, Slick. You’re crazy
if you thinking I’m fooling
around.

TALL BLACK GUY
You are fucking crazy.

WALT
You have to be pretty goddamned
dumb to think you can push people
around without running into
someone who will push back.

The black guys are a bit dumbfounded. Walt stares them
down.
WALT
But you might just be dumb enough
not to recognize that your luck
just ran out.

All bravado drains away from the black guys. Walt is a
rock.

Walt grins slightly and spits on the ground.

TALL BLACK GUY
Fuck this guy. He ain’t worth it.

The trio walks slowly across the street, forcing a car to
miss a green light.

Trey puts his hand out to shake Walt’s...

TREY
Man, thanks a lot, mister.

Walt doesn’t extend a hand, he lets Trey stand there like
an idiot. Trey slowly lowers his arm.

Walt looks at Trey’s outfit.

WALT
Go home, clown... and pull up your
goddamned pants.

Walt turns to Sue.

WALT
Come on, I’ll give you a ride.
39.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walt, a seasoned man, enjoys a light-hearted exchange with his barber, Martin, before venturing into the neighborhood. He witnesses a tense confrontation between a couple, Sue and Trey, and a group of Black men. The Tall Black Guy aggressively approaches Sue, escalating the situation. Walt steps in, using his intimidating presence and assertive words to neutralize the threat and ensure the safety of the couple. The scene ends with Walt offering Sue a ride, showcasing his protective nature and leaving a lasting impression on the onlookers.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Use of racial slurs may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively portraying the conflict and tension between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of racial tension and standing up against harassment is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Walt intervenes in a dangerous situation, showcasing his character and setting up potential conflicts in the future.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar situation of confrontation and aggression but adds a unique twist with Walt's unexpected intervention and confrontational dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Walt's grumpy and confrontational personality contrasting with the young couple's vulnerability and the aggressiveness of the black guys.

Character Changes: 7

Walt's character is further developed as he stands up against injustice, showcasing a different side of his personality.

Internal Goal: 9

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and protect Sue and Trey from the aggressive behavior of the black guys. This reflects his deeper need for control and his desire to stand up for what he believes is right.

External Goal: 8

Walt's external goal is to intervene in the situation and protect Sue and Trey from the black guys. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with a tense confrontation between Walt and the black guys, escalating the tension and stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the black guys posing a significant threat to Sue and Trey. Walt's intervention adds to the tension and uncertainty of the situation, creating a compelling conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Walt intervenes in a dangerous situation, risking his safety to protect the young couple.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dynamics between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of Walt's unexpected intervention and confrontational behavior. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Walt's sense of justice and the black guys' aggressive behavior. It challenges Walt's beliefs about standing up for what is right and confronting injustice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the face of injustice and Walt's defiant stance against harassment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and realistic, effectively conveying the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of urgency and danger, drawing the audience into the conflict and tension between the characters. The stakes are high, and the resolution is satisfying.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression of events, building tension and conflict towards a resolution. It effectively sets up the confrontation and resolves it in a satisfying way.


Critique
  • The scene effectively showcases Walt's aggressive nature and his willingness to confront perceived threats, which is consistent with his character development throughout the screenplay. His banter with the barber establishes a humorous yet abrasive tone that reflects his personality.
  • The dialogue between Walt and the barber is sharp and entertaining, but it may benefit from a more varied rhythm. While the back-and-forth is engaging, incorporating pauses or interruptions could heighten the tension when Walt later confronts the gangbangers.
  • The transition from the barbershop to the sidewalk is somewhat abrupt. The scene could benefit from a smoother transition that connects Walt's lighthearted banter with the barber to the serious confrontation he witnesses outside. This will enhance the narrative flow and build anticipation for the conflict.
  • The portrayal of the Tall Black Guy and his friends leans heavily on stereotypes, which may risk alienating some audience members. While it is important to depict the realities of urban life, ensuring that characters are more nuanced and avoid being one-dimensional can create a more balanced representation.
  • Walt's dialogue during the confrontation is striking and aggressive, but it might come across as overly confrontational without deeper motivation or reflection. Providing a glimpse into Walt's internal thoughts could enhance the audience's understanding of his motivations and fears, making his actions more relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or reflection for Walt before he intervenes in the altercation. This could provide insight into his character and the internal conflict he faces in deciding to help.
  • Incorporate more descriptive visual elements during the confrontation scene to enhance the tension. For example, describe the body language of the gangbangers and the expressions on Sue and Trey's faces to convey their fear or anxiety.
  • To balance the stereotypes present in the scene, consider giving the Tall Black Guy and his friends more depth. Allow them to express motivations or backstory that humanizes them, even in a tense situation.
  • Explore the potential for a moment of vulnerability for Walt after he intervenes. This could be a fleeting expression of doubt or a realization of the consequences of his actions, adding complexity to his character.
  • Ensure that the dialogue reflects the stakes of the situation. While humor is important, the gravity of Walt's confrontation with the gangbangers should be underscored with dialogue that emphasizes the potential danger to Sue and Trey.



Scene 17 -  A Clash of Worlds
38 INT. WALT’S TRUCK - DRIVING 38

Walt and Sue drive in silence. Finally Sue speaks up.

SUE
So, what’s with you, you have some
sort of savior complex or
something?

WALT
What in the hell’s the matter with
you? I thought all you Asian
girls were supposed to be so
smart. What are you doing walking
around in that neighborhood?
That’s how you end up in the
obituaries, that is, if they can
identify your body once they pull
it out of the goddamned river.

SUE
I know, I know. Take it easy.

Walt looks at her for a second. She’s not ruffled at
all.

They drive.

WALT
So, that goofball back there.
He’s your boyfriend?

SUE
Yeah, kind of, his name is Trey.

WALT
Why in the hell would you go out
with a clown like that. Why don’t
you date one of your... own...one
of those other... Hu-mungs.

SUE
You mean, Hmong? We’re Hmong, not
Hu-mung.
WALT
Right. Hmong. What is a... where
is Hmong or whatever?

Sue laughs.

SUE
Wow! You’re so enlightened.
Hmong isn’t a place, it’s a
people.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
40.
38 CONTINUED: 38
SUE (CONT'D)
Hmong people come from different
parts of Laos and Thailand and
China.

WALT
Then why are you in my
neighborhood, instead of back
there?

SUE
It’s a Vietnam thing. We fought
on your side and when America
quit, the Communists starting
killing the Hmong, so we came over
here.

Walt is quiet for few seconds.
WALT
Why’d you pick the Midwest, for
Christ’s sake? There’s snow on
the ground near half the year.
Jungle people on the frozen
tundra?

SUE
Hill people. We were hill people,
not jungle people. Boo-ga, boo-
ga, boo-ga.
WALT
Whatever.

SUE
Blame the Lutherans. They brought
us here.
WALT
Still, you’d think the cold would
keep all the assholes away.

Sue laughs again at Walt’s conscienceless racism.

SUE
Thanks for the ride.

WALT
Sure... You know, you seem okay.
What the hell’s the matter with
your half-wit brother? He a
little slow or something?




(CONTINUED)
41.
38 CONTINUED: (2) 38
SUE
Tao is actually really bright, he
just doesn’t know which direction
to go in.

WALT
Oh, poor Toad.

SUE
It’s really common. Hmong girls
over here fit in better, we
adjust. The girls go to college,
the boys go to jail.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt, exhibiting prejudice and ignorance, interrogates Sue about her life choices and her reasons for living in his neighborhood. Sue, patiently and calmly, educates Walt about her Hmong heritage, their history, and the challenges faced by Hmong youth in America. The scene ends with Sue thanking Walt, while he makes a comment about her brother's intelligence.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of racism and cultural clash
  • Well-developed characters
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Heavy reliance on stereotypes
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the deep-seated racism of the main character, Walt, while also providing insight into the history and struggles of the Hmong community through Sue's responses.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural differences and prejudices is central to the scene, driving the conflict and character interactions.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Walt and Sue, revealing more about their characters and setting up potential future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural diversity and racial tensions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Sue are well-developed and their contrasting personalities and beliefs create tension and depth in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development for both Walt and Sue.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand Sue's background and perspective. This reflects his curiosity and possibly a desire to connect with someone from a different culture.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to give Sue a ride home safely. This reflects his protective nature and sense of responsibility.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walt's racism and Sue's resilience creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the cultural differences and racial prejudices between the characters. It adds complexity to their interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the racial tension and potential consequences of Walt's racist attitudes and actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and relationships between characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and revelations about their backgrounds.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash of cultural values and racial prejudices. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs and stereotypes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from discomfort due to Walt's racism to admiration for Sue's strength and resilience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the clash of perspectives and beliefs between Walt and Sue, adding layers to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, cultural conflicts, and character interactions. It keeps the audience interested in the unfolding conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character dynamics. It keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding conversation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay. It follows industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character development. It fits the expected structure for a dialogue-driven scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with an awkward and somewhat forced dialogue exchange between Walt and Sue. Walt's sudden outburst about Asian girls being smart feels out of place and doesn't flow naturally from the previous scene.
  • Walt's racist comments are too blunt and repetitive. While the character's prejudices are established, the scene doesn't explore them in a nuanced or interesting way.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and exposition-heavy. It's primarily used to convey information about Hmong history and culture, but it doesn't create much tension or character development.
  • The scene relies too heavily on dialogue and lacks visual elements. The description of the driving is minimal, and the setting feels static.
  • The humor in the scene, especially Walt's racist jokes, doesn't land well. It feels forced and out of place in the context of the overall story.
  • The scene ends abruptly and feels unresolved. Walt's question about Tao's intelligence feels jarring and doesn't build on the previous conversation.
  • The scene doesn't explore the complex dynamics between Walt and Sue. It primarily focuses on their differences, but doesn't delve into their potential for connection or conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider opening the scene with a more subtle interaction between Walt and Sue, perhaps with a shared glance or a brief moment of silence before the dialogue begins.
  • Subtlety is key when portraying Walt's racism. Explore his prejudices through his actions and choices rather than through direct statements.
  • Use visual elements to enhance the scene's atmosphere and create a stronger sense of place. Describe the driving experience, the setting, and the characters' expressions.
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of directly explaining Hmong history and culture, weave these elements into the dialogue and actions of the characters.
  • Find ways to make the dialogue more natural and engaging. Use subtext, humor, and conflict to create a more dynamic conversation.
  • Consider adding a scene-ending moment that leaves a stronger impression, such as a revelation, a gesture, or a change in the relationship between Walt and Sue.
  • Explore the complex relationship between Walt and Sue more deeply. What are their commonalities? What are their underlying motivations? How does their interaction shape the story's themes?



Scene 18 -  A Birthday with Strings Attached
39 EXT. WALT’S FRONT PORCH - EARLY MORNING 39
Walt drinks coffee and reads the newspaper. He flips
from section to section. Daisy’s at his feet.

Next door, Phong sits watching Walt. He can see her
mumbling under her breath.

WALT
Old hag, giving me the evil eye?

Walt opens the paper to the TV guide section and lingers
at the HOROSCOPES for a second.

WALT
Aw, what the hell...

Walt reads aloud to himself.

WALT
Your birthday today; This year you
have to make a choice between two
life paths. Second chances come
your way. Extraordinary events
culminate in what might seem to be
an anti-climax. Your lucky
numbers are: 84, 23, 11, 78 and
99.

Walt drains his coffee and tosses the paper onto the
porch.

WALT
What a load of crap.

Walt lights up a cigarette and exhales.

Walt watches as the only white woman on the block
struggles to unload her groceries from her car. One of
her bags rips.
(CONTINUED)
42.
39 CONTINUED: 39
Three teenagers walk past and laugh at her spilled
groceries. One of them makes a crude gesture behind her
back.

WALT
Christ all Friday. What’s wrong
with kids today?

Walt gets up to go help, but before he can get to the
sidewalk, another neighbor has gone over to help...

It’s TAO. Tao bends down and carries her bags up to her
door.

WALT
Well, I’ll be damned.

40 INT. WALT’S KITCHEN 40

Mitch and Karen sit across from Walt. A small store-
bought birthday cake sits in front of Walt.

Walt reads his birthday card. It’s signed; Love Mitch,
Karen, Ashley and Josh. ALL the signatures have been
written in a woman’s cursive style and with the same pen.

Mitch slides a wrapped gift across the table to Walt.

MITCH
Go ahead, Dad. Open it.

WALT
What is it?

MITCH
Just open it.

Walt opens the package, it’s a Gopher Reaching Tool --
the kind that has an alligator clamp so you can pick up
objects that have fallen behind the stove, etc.

Walt looks at his son and daughter-in-law.

MITCH
It’s a Gopher. It’s so you can
reach stuff. You know, it makes
things easier.

KAREN
Here’s one from me.

KAREN slides over a another wrapped gift. Walt opens it.
It’s a PHONE with really big numbers for old people.

(CONTINUED)
43.
40 CONTINUED: 40
KAREN
It’s a phone.

WALT
(emotionlessly)
Thank you, Karen.

KAREN
I just thought... we thought that
it would... make things easier.

WALT
Yeah, I see that.

KAREN
There’s nothing wrong with making
things less hard on yourself.
MITCH
Karen’s right, Dad. You’ve worked
hard your whole life. Maybe you
should think about taking it a
little easier?

Walt lights up a cigarette.

MITCH
And that’s another thing, Dad.
You should get rid of the coffin
nails.

Walt says nothing.

MITCH
And the house, now that Mom’s
gone, it’s got to be a lot to
maintain, let alone clean... and
you’re all alone in here.

It’s worse than Walt thought. He puffs smoke.

KAREN
There’s these great places now,
these communities where you don’t
have to worry about mowing the
lawn or shoveling snow. People
who are like you, alert, active,
but are alone and would benefit by
being with other folks their own
age.




(CONTINUED)
44.
40 CONTINUED: (2) 40
MITCH
Dad, take a look. We brought some
pamphlets.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary On his birthday, Walt receives gifts from his son Mitch and daughter-in-law Karen designed to ease his life as a senior. They express concern over his living alone and push him to consider moving into a retirement community. Walt remains mostly silent but seems hesitant, creating a tense atmosphere as the scene ends with Karen presenting him with pamphlets about retirement communities.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into the complex dynamics within Walt's family, revealing layers of emotion and conflict. The dialogue is sharp and revealing, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics, aging, and resistance to change is well-developed in this scene. It explores themes of love, care, and stubbornness in a poignant manner.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt's family tries to connect with him on his birthday, leading to moments of tension and reflection. The conflict between Walt's resistance and his family's efforts adds depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of aging and family dynamics, presenting authentic and relatable characters in a familiar setting. The dialogue feels natural and unscripted, adding to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Walt's cynicism and his family's concern portrayed convincingly. Their interactions reveal layers of emotion and history, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 6

While Walt's resistance to change is challenged by his family's efforts, there is subtle growth in his character as he grapples with their care and concern. The scene hints at potential changes in Walt's outlook.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to maintain his independence and resist the pressure from his family to change his lifestyle. This reflects his fear of losing control over his own life and identity.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to navigate the challenges of aging and changing family dynamics. He is faced with the decision of whether to accept help and adapt to new circumstances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Walt's resistance to change and his family's attempts to connect with him creates tension and emotional depth in the scene. It drives the narrative forward and adds complexity to the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Walt is faced with conflicting desires and pressures from his family. The audience is left uncertain about how Walt will navigate these challenges and make decisions about his future.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in terms of Walt's emotional well-being and his family's attempts to connect with him. The scene highlights the importance of relationships and communication in the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of Walt's character and his relationships with his family. It sets the stage for potential developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and revelations between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the shifting dynamics and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of independence and interdependence. Walt's family believes in the importance of community and support, while Walt values his autonomy and self-reliance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from resentment and cynicism to love and concern. The interactions between the characters are emotionally charged, making the scene impactful and engaging.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, realistic dialogue, and emotional depth. The conflicts and dynamics between the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of tension and empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of tension and reflection, building up to the emotional climax of Walt's confrontation with his family. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the emotional depth of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow and predictable. The opening exchange between Walt and Phong feels like filler and doesn't add much to the story. The birthday card and the gift exchanges with Mitch and Karen are also predictable and don't offer much in the way of conflict or character development. The 'anti-climax' of the horoscope, which Walt dismisses, feels somewhat unnecessary and underwhelming.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue to convey its message. It would be more engaging if it incorporated more visual elements to show Walt's internal struggles, perhaps through his body language or the environment around him. We see the Hmong women struggle with groceries and the teenagers make a crude gesture, but these could be more impactful visuals.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict. The most tension arises from the fact that Walt is alone and struggling with maintaining his house, but this is only briefly mentioned. The conflict with his family about retirement communities is a bit too on-the-nose. A more subtle and nuanced approach might be more effective.
  • The scene feels repetitive. The scene is dominated by Walt's stubbornness, his resistance to change, and his refusal to accept help. This repetition could make the scene feel monotonous.
  • The dialogue feels a bit clunky in places. For example, Mitch and Karen say things like, 'There's nothing wrong with making things less hard on yourself' and 'Maybe you should think about taking it a little easier?' The script could benefit from more natural and believable dialogue. The 'coffin nails' reference feels forced.
  • The scene doesn't do enough to explore Walt's motivations. The scene provides some insight into Walt's resistance to change, but it doesn't delve deeper into the reasons behind his stubbornness or his isolation. The script could benefit from exploring Walt's past and his experiences in the Korean War, which would provide a more nuanced understanding of his character.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the opening exchange between Walt and Phong. It's not essential to the scene and slows the pace down. Instead, perhaps use the visual of Phong watching Walt from her window to introduce the 'evil eye' metaphor that will come into play later.
  • Explore Walt's internal struggle through visual elements. Use close-ups of Walt's face as he reads the horoscope, showing a flicker of emotion. Or, use shots of the empty spaces in his house to symbolize his loneliness. The visual of Walt getting up to help the woman with her groceries, then stopping and watching Tao instead, could be more impactful.
  • Increase the stakes of the scene. Instead of just having Walt resist the idea of moving, create a situation where he is forced to make a decision. Perhaps his children threaten to hire a caretaker if he doesn't consider a retirement community.
  • Give Walt more agency. The scene portrays him as a passive character who is simply reacting to his family's suggestions. Give him a more active role in the scene, perhaps by pushing back against their suggestions or expressing his own desires for the future.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and believable. Make it sound like people are actually talking to each other. For example, instead of, 'There's nothing wrong with making things less hard on yourself,' try something like, 'It's okay to take things a little easier these days, you know? You've earned it.'
  • Explore Walt's past. This scene could be an opportunity to hint at the events that led to Walt's current state. Perhaps a flashback to a scene from the Korean War could provide some insight into his personality. The scene could also reference his wife's death and his feelings about grief and loss. This would help create a more compelling and relatable character.



Scene 19 -  A Handful of Blood and a Barbecue Invitation
41 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - SECONDS LATER 41

Mitch and Karen storm out to their Land Cruiser. Mitch
carries the Gopher Grabber Tool and Karen has the big
numbered phone in her hand.

MITCH
I told you, I told you this was a
bad idea.
KAREN
I know, you were right.

MITCH
Son of a bitch! He just won’t let
anyone help him.

KAREN
Well, we tried. Now we can just
drop it. No one can say we didn’t
try.

MITCH
To hell with him, kicking us out
on his birthday?! We should’ve
stayed home with Ashley and Josh.
They knew better, they wouldn’t
even come. The goddamned kids are
smarter than we are!
Mitch screeches the tires as they take off. Walt waits
for them to clear out, before coming out on the porch
with a can of Pabst.

Daisy comes out and lies at his feet.

Walt covers his mouth as he coughs. A dime-sized circle
of dark, red blood is left in the palm of his hand.

Walt looks at the blood as he takes another sip of beer.


42 EXT. WALT’S PORCH - EVENING 42

Walt continues to sit on his porch, a long row of empty
Pabst beer cans are lined up on the railing.


(CONTINUED)
45.
42 CONTINUED: 42
Walt looks at a photo in his wallet, his and Dorothy’s
wedding photo. Walt looks down at Daisy --

WALT
We miss Momma, don’t we, Daisy.

A vehicle pulls up to Tao’s house. A party is in full
swing.

Sue comes out and helps the Hmong women unload big
platters of food and carry them to the house.

Sue catches Walt’s gaze and steps over to his porch.

SUE
Hey, Walt, what are you up to?
Walt points his index finger at the can of Pabst in his
hand.

SUE
We’re having a barbecue. You want
to come over?

WALT
What do you think?

SUE
There’s tons of food.

WALT
I’ll bet. Just keep your paws off
my dog.

SUE
No worries, we only eat cats.
WALT
Really?

SUE
No, I’m kidding, you moron. Come
on, come on over. You can be my
special guest.

WALT
I’m fine right here.

Walt reaches into the cooler for another beer. It’s
empty, just water and ice.

WALT
Son of a bitch.


(CONTINUED)
46.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
SUE
What have you had to eat today,
Walt?

WALT
A piece of cake and some beef
jerky.

SUE
Come on over and get something to
eat. We’ve got beer, too.

Walt exhales loudly --

WALT
Oh, what the hell. It’s my
birthday, I may as well drink with
strangers instead of myself.

Walt gets up and walks with Sue towards her house.

SUE
Happy Birthday, Wally.

WALT
Don’t call me Wally.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary After a heated argument with his children, Walt is left alone, isolated and grieving on his porch. His health deteriorates, marked by a bloody cough, as he reminisces about his deceased wife. A contrast to his solitude, a lively party unfolds at Tao's house. Sue, noticing Walt's loneliness, reaches out to him with an invitation to join the festivities. Despite his initial reluctance, Walt is eventually persuaded by Sue's warmth and the promise of food and beer, choosing to leave his isolation and join the party.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension and conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in secondary characters
  • Some predictable interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, particularly Walt and Sue, while also providing insight into Walt's internal struggles and emotional state. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the scene forward and revealing important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the themes of isolation, stubbornness, and attempts at reconciliation. It effectively explores the complexities of human relationships and the barriers that can exist between individuals.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene focuses on Walt's birthday celebration and the interactions between him and Sue, highlighting their differences and the underlying tensions between them. It moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of grief, loneliness, and human connection, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Walt and Sue, are well-developed and complex. Their interactions reveal layers of emotion, motivation, and conflict, adding depth to the narrative. Sue's persistence and Walt's stubbornness are key aspects of their personalities that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change within the scene, there is a subtle shift in Walt's demeanor as he reluctantly agrees to join Sue's barbecue. This moment hints at a potential opening for growth and change in Walt's character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his loneliness and isolation, as well as his grief over his wife's death.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to join the party next door or continue drinking alone on his porch.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, primarily between Walt and Sue, as they navigate their differences and attempt to find common ground. The tension and emotional stakes are high, driving the narrative forward and engaging the audience.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are high in terms of emotional tension and potential for character growth and change. The outcome of Walt and Sue's interaction could have significant implications for their relationship and the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between Walt and his neighbors, particularly Sue. It sets the stage for potential developments in their relationship and hints at future interactions that could impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's decisions and interactions with other characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between isolation and connection, as Walt struggles with his desire for solitude and his need for human interaction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and resentment to reflection and reconciliation. The interactions between Walt and Sue, as well as Walt's internal struggles, create a sense of empathy and connection with the characters, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Walt and Sue, as well as their attempts at communication and understanding. The dialogue drives the scene forward and reveals important character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and compelling dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and builds tension effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Mitch and Karen leaving Walt's house after a heated argument. This abrupt transition from the previous scene feels jarring and could benefit from a clearer setup to highlight the reason for the argument.
  • The dialogue between Mitch and Karen is repetitive and doesn't offer any new insights into their characters. Their frustrations with Walt feel underdeveloped, and their lines lack a strong emotional impact.
  • The scene shifts abruptly to Walt on his porch, which is a bit jarring. It could be smoother if there was a visual or audio cue to transition to his perspective, like a slow fade or a sound of the door closing.
  • The reveal of Walt's blood is a powerful moment, but it's rushed. The scene could benefit from slowing down the pace, allowing the audience to absorb the gravity of his condition.
  • The transition from the previous scene to the Hmong barbecue party feels disjointed. The scene could use a visual bridge to smoothly connect the two events, perhaps a shot of the street or a fleeting glimpse of the party atmosphere.
  • Sue's invitation to Walt feels forced. Their interactions throughout the film have been tense, and it seems odd that she would so readily invite him to a family gathering. There needs to be a more compelling reason for her to extend the invitation.
  • Walt's reluctance to attend the party is predictable and undercuts the possibility of a meaningful interaction between him and Sue. The scene could benefit from exploring a more nuanced response from Walt, perhaps hesitation or uncertainty, rather than outright rejection.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat anticlimactic exchange. Walt's agreement to attend the party feels unearned. The scene could end with a more satisfying exchange, perhaps with a moment of vulnerability or a hint of Walt's internal conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue between Mitch and Karen before they leave Walt's house to provide context for their anger and the reason for the argument.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Walt's deteriorating health by slowing down the pace, adding close-ups of his hand, and emphasizing the quiet contemplation of his condition.
  • Use a visual or audio transition to smoothly shift from the argument between Mitch and Karen to Walt's perspective on the porch.
  • Develop a stronger motivation for Sue's invitation to Walt. It might be effective if she shows genuine concern for him or if she believes that the party could offer him a distraction or a chance for connection.
  • Explore a more complex response from Walt to Sue's invitation. Consider showing him struggling with his decision, perhaps revealing his internal conflict between his desire for isolation and the possibility of finding community.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful moment. Perhaps Walt could have a moment of introspection, reflecting on his loneliness or considering the possibility of change.



Scene 20 -  Cultural Clash at the Birthday Party
43 INT. TAO’S HOUSE - KITCHEN 43

Inside are thirty Hmong and Walt, who sticks out like a
sore thumb. Total fish out of water.

Walt looks in the refrigerator, Sue looks over his
shoulder.
WALT
You do have a lot of beer, but no
Pabst.

SUE
As they say, When in Hmong.

WALT
Ha ha. Are you sure it’s okay I’m
here? Everyone keeps looking at
me and when I look back, they look
at the ground.

SUE
It’s fine.

Phong appears from the crowd and points at Walt.


(CONTINUED)
47.
43 CONTINUED: 43
PHONG
(subtitled)
You, get out. Out of our house!
(to Sue)
What is he doing here?

Walt cringes at her presence.

WALT
What’d she say?

SUE
She said welcome to our home.

WALT
No she didn’t.
SUE
No, she didn’t.
PHONG
(subtitled)
Why is this white man in our home?
A man like him brings nothing,
nothing but sorrow and death.

Several relatives usher Phong away from Walt. The
relatives are embarrassed at the outburst.

WALT
She hates me.

SUE
Yes, she hates you.

WALT
What did I do?

A little Hmong girl walks past and Walt pats her on the
head. Everyone in the room looks in horror at Walt.

WALT
What?! What the hell are all you
fish heads looking at?!

Sue looks around and then pulls Walt out of the room.

SUE
Maybe we should go in the other
room.


44 INT. DINING ROOM - SECONDS LATER 44
Sue explains a few facts to Walt.
(CONTINUED)
48.
44 CONTINUED: 44
SUE
A lot of the people in this house
are very traditional. Number one,
never touch a Hmong person on the
head, not even a child. Hmong
people believe that the soul
resides in the head, so don’t do
that.

WALT
That’s dumb, but fine.

SUE
Hmong people also consider looking
someone in the eye to be rude.
That’s why everyone looks away
when you look at them.
WALT
Swell. Anything else?

SUE
Yeah, some Hmong smile or grin
when they’re yelled at or get into
a confrontation. It’s a cultural
thing. It expresses embarrassment
or insecurity, not that they’re
laughing at you.

WALT
Good God, you people are all nuts.


45 INT. LIVING ROOM 45

Walt opens another beer, as Sue speaks Hmong to a
relative. Walt notices an Old Hmong Man staring at him.

Walt interrupts Sue.

WALT
Hey, Sue.

SUE
What?

WALT
You said you guys don’t look you
in the eye, but that guy keeps
staring at me.

Sue laughs and gestures to the Old Hmong Man. The Old
Hmong Man steps over and nods to Walt.


(CONTINUED)
49.
45 CONTINUED: 45
SUE
This is Kor Khue. He’s the Lor
family shaman.

WALT
Witch doctor?

Sue smiles and nods.

SUE
Something like that. The Hmong
hold their clan Shaman in very
high regards.

WALT
Boo-ga, boo-ga.
Kor Khue says something to Sue in Hmong. She turns and
translates to Walt.

SUE
Kor Khue is interested in you, he
heard what you did. He says he
would like to read you.

WALT
Huh?

SUE
He wants to read you. Tell you
your soul. It’d be rude not to
allow him this, it’s a great
honor.

WALT
Tell Kor to be my guest, fire
away.

Sue speaks Hmong to the Shaman. The Shaman responds and
sits down across from Walt. He looks at Walt for a long
time.

Walt stares straight back at him. The Shaman mumbles to
himself.

Finally the Shaman turns to Sue and speaks very rapidly.
As Sue translates, the Shaman watches Walt’s reaction.

SUE
Kor Khue says that you think
you’ve been disrespected. You do
not live your life. Your food has
no flavor. You are scared of your
past.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
50.
45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
SUE (CONT'D)
You stopped living years and years
ago. Kor Khue says you’re not at
peace.

Walt looks like he’s been hit by a truck. The Shaman
watches Walt closely, he knows he hit the nail on the
head.

Walt looks pale. He’s been spooked good. He wipes sweat
from his forehead.

WALT
Excuse me.

Walt gets up and steps into the kitchen. He takes
several deep breaths. He’s pretty shook up.
WALT
Je -- zuz -- Christ.

Walt looks around at all the Hmongs eating and carrying
on.

Walt sees a young man give up his seat to an Elder.

Walt sees a young woman go to each of the older folks and
offer tea and cookies from a tray.

Walt sees a child help an old man out of the bathroom.

Walt coughs hard. He wipes blood from his lips. Sue
comes in and looks at Walt.

SUE
Are you okay?
Walt brushes past her and goes into the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt, a non-Hmong man, attends a Hmong birthday celebration and is immediately uncomfortable due to his lack of understanding of Hmong customs. Sue, a Hmong woman, tries to explain the traditions, like avoiding eye contact and touching someone's head, but Walt's awkwardness and ignorance lead to tension, particularly from Phong, another Hmong woman. The tension escalates when the Hmong shaman, Kor Khue, reads Walt's soul and reveals that he is afraid of his past and not truly living his life. This revelation deeply disturbs Walt, leaving him feeling ill and retreating to the bathroom.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Cultural exploration
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some stereotypical language and attitudes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and reveals deeper layers of Walt's character through the cultural clash and the Shaman's reading, creating a compelling and emotionally charged moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural differences and the impact of past trauma on a character's present behavior are well-developed and add depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt navigates the unfamiliar Hmong customs and faces a moment of introspection triggered by the Shaman's reading.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and explores the clash of values in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt and Sue, are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant moment of introspection and vulnerability, leading to a potential shift in his character arc as he confronts his past and current state of being.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to navigate the unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation in the Hmong household, reflecting his deeper need for acceptance and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to avoid offending the Hmong family and to learn about their customs, reflecting the immediate challenge of cultural differences and miscommunication.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Walt and the Hmong community, as well as Walt's internal conflict, creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with cultural misunderstandings and conflicts creating obstacles for Walt to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in the cultural clash, Walt's emotional vulnerability, and the potential impact of the Shaman's reading on his character development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of Walt's character, exploring the cultural dynamics, and setting up potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its cultural revelations and character interactions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash of cultural values between Walt's Western perspective and the traditional Hmong beliefs. This challenges Walt's worldview and understanding of different cultures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the cultural clash, Walt's vulnerability, and the Shaman's reading, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, cultural differences, and emotional depth of the scene, adding richness to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the humor, tension, and cultural exploration that keeps the audience invested in Walt's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for dialogue and action descriptions, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions, fitting the expected format for a cultural clash scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively highlights Walt's discomfort and outsider status at the Hmong birthday party, utilizing humor and cultural misunderstandings to create tension. However, some of the humor feels forced, particularly Walt's quips about the beer and the 'witch doctor'. These moments could benefit from a more subtle approach that allows the audience to empathize with Walt's situation rather than simply laugh at his ignorance.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Sue serves to educate the audience about Hmong customs, which is important for character development and plot progression. However, it risks becoming expository. Consider integrating these cultural lessons more organically into the interactions rather than having Sue list them off. This could enhance the flow and maintain the scene's natural rhythm.
  • Walt's reaction to Phong's outburst is strong, but it could be developed further to show his emotional state more deeply. The contrast between his comedic bravado and the gravity of Phong's words could be more pronounced, illustrating Walt's internal struggle with his past and current identity.
  • The introduction of the shaman, Kor Khue, is compelling, but his presence could be better foreshadowed earlier in the scene. Building anticipation for his reading could amplify the moment's impact. Additionally, the shaman's dialogue, while critical, might benefit from being more cryptic or metaphorical, allowing the audience to ponder its meaning alongside Walt.
  • The climax of the scene, where Walt receives a harsh truth about himself, is powerful but could be enhanced by showing more of Walt's physical reactions throughout. The visual depiction of his discomfort and realization could heighten the emotional stakes and make his eventual retreat into the kitchen feel more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider reducing the reliance on humor in the early exchanges and focus more on the tension created by Walt's outsider status. This will help establish a more serious tone that aligns with the deeper themes of the story.
  • Integrate cultural explanations into the dialogue more subtly, perhaps through interactions that demonstrate the customs in action, rather than having Sue explain them directly to Walt.
  • Deepen Walt's emotional response to Phong's comments by showing his internal conflict and vulnerability, which can create a more relatable and nuanced character.
  • Foreshadow the shaman's role earlier in the scene, perhaps by having other characters reference him or hint at the significance of his presence before he arrives.
  • Enhance Walt's physical responses to the shaman's reading, using body language and facial expressions to convey his shock and discomfort, making the moment more visceral for the audience.



Scene 21 -  Out of Place
46 INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME 46

EPIPHANY.

Walt washes his face in the sink and dries his hands.
He’s still pale. He looks long and hard in the mirror.

Walt is stunned, it all adds up. Walt hasn’t really
lived in 50 years, he hasn’t relaxed or exhaled or let
his guard down since he got back from Korea in 1953.

WALT
(to himself)
Son of a bitch. I’ve got more in
common with these goddamned gooks
than my own spoiled-rotten family.
(CONTINUED)
51.
46 CONTINUED: 46
Walt looks at himself.

WALT
Happy birthday.

Walt opens the bathroom door. Sue stands there with a
concerned look on her face.

SUE
Are you okay?

WALT
Me? I’m fine.

SUE
You were bleeding?
Walt smiles disarmingly.

WALT
I just bit my tongue. I’m fine.
I’m great. Let’s get some of that
gook food, I’m starving.


47 INT. KITCHEN 47

Walt sits amongst several old Hmong Women, who take great
delight in feeding him different Hmong dishes which he’s
obviously never tasted before.

Walt reacts with great enthusiasm to the food,
occasionally making jokes like he’s choking, etc. This
corny stuff goes over like gangbusters with the Hmong
ladies.
Sue comes in and rolls her eyes at Walt.

SUE
Come on, you glutton, let’s go
downstairs.

WALT
Why?

SUE
To mingle.

WALT
I’m fine right here. I’m
mingling.

SUE
Come on, you said ‘not to leave
you alone.’
52.


48 INT. BASEMENT - SAME TIME 48

Walt and Sue descend the stairway. Walt is really out of
his element down with all the Hmong teenagers.

And the first person he sees across the room is Tao.

WALT
Oh great.

SUE
Well, look who’s over there.

WALT
What’s-his-name who tried to steal
my Gran Torino.
SUE
My brother Tao.

WALT
Yeah, Toad.

Tao is in the corner, he avoids Walt’s gaze. Sue walks
over to a group of boys, leaving Walt alone.

Walt doesn’t know what to do with himself. He leans
against the DRYER. The DRYER wobbles.

Walt gets on his hands and knees. He looks under the
dryer. He adjusts the short leg to balance out the
machine.

He just can’t help it.

All the Hmong kids watch Walt, trying not to laugh at
this strange white man on his hands and knees fixing a
dryer during a party. Walt looks up -- deer in the
headlights.

WALT
It was wobbly, but I fixed it.
It’s fine now, shouldn’t wobble
anymore.

The Hmong kids look away, covering their mouths with
their hands.

Walt glares at Tao, who immediately wipes the smile from
his face. Sue walks over and hands Walt a drink.

WALT
What’s this?


(CONTINUED)
53.
48 CONTINUED: 48
SUE
Rice liquor. Try it.

WALT
Alright.

Sue walks off. Walt sips his rice liquor and watches the
interaction between the boys and girls.

One particularly gorgeous young willow-wisp of a GIRL
stares across the room at Tao. Tao looks back at her,
but then looks away.

The Girl keeps looking at Tao, smiling and twisting her
hair.

Tao doesn’t approach her, but three other young men do.
They do their best to charm her. She’s polite, but not
interested, she keeps looking at Tao.

Walt laughs at Tao’s ineptitude, shakes his head at this
wasted opportunity. Suddenly the Girl steps over to
Walt.

She smiles --

WA XAM (GIRL)
My friends and I were just
wondering what you’re doing here?

WALT
Good question. What am I doing
here? Anyways, I’m Walt.

WA XAM
Hi, Walt. I’m Wa Xam.
WALT
Wa Yum?

WA XAM
No, Wa Xam. So... what do you do?

WALT
Me? Not too much... I fix stuff I
guess.

WA XAM
Like what?

WALT
Well, I fixed my wife’s friend’s
sink yesterday.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
54.
48 CONTINUED: (2) 48
WALT (CONT'D)
I drove my aunt to the doctor to
straighten out her prescription.
Even fixed my screen door before
it was broke.

WA XAM
You’re funny.

WALT
That’s one thing I’ve never been
accused of. A bastard, yes.
Funny, no.

Wa Xam laughs.

WA XAM
Well, have fun. I’m going to take
off.

WALT
A pleasure to meet you, Yum Yum.

She laughs at Walt butchering her name and goes upstairs.
The three young suitors follow her up. Tao watches her.

Walt comes over to Tao, who is startled. Walt laughs.

WALT
Relax, zipper head, whatta you
think I’m gonna do, shoot you?

Tao looks like he wants to run away.

WALT
I wouldn’t say anything either, if
I was you.
Walt sips his rice liquor. Walt can’t help but rib Tao.

WALT
You know, I knew you were a
dipshit even before the whole
garage deal, but I have to say
you’re even worse with women than
you are stealing cars, Toad.

TAO
It’s Tao.

WALT
What’s that?

TAO
It’s Tao, not Toad. My name is
Tao.
(CONTINUED)
55.
48 CONTINUED: (3) 48
WALT
Good for you. Anyways, you’re
blowing it with that girl. Not
that I give two shits about a Toad
like you.

TAO
You don’t know what you’re talking
about.

WALT
Wrong, egg roll. I completely
know what I’m talking about. I
know I’m not always the most
pleasant person to be around, but
I got the greatest woman who ever
lived to marry me. I had to work
at it, but I got her and it was
the best thing that ever happened
to me. Hands down.

Walt points across the room. He sways slightly.

WALT
But you? You just sit there and
watch as Ding Dong and Click Clack
and Charlie Chan walk away with
what’s-her-face. She likes you,
you know.

TAO
Who?

WALT
She was standing over there,
orange dress, twisting her hair
and smiling at you.

TAO
You mean Wa Xam?

Walt takes a long swig off his drink and nods.

WALT
Yeah, yeah. Anyways, she likes
you, I know, I talked to her.
Great girl, charming girl. Love
her. I love Yum Yum. But you?
You just watch her walk out the
door with the Three Stooges. Why?
Because you’re a big fat pussy!

Walt drains his drink.


(CONTINUED)
56.
48 CONTINUED: (4) 48
WALT
I gotta go home. Good luck, puss-
cake. You need it.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt, still shaken from a recent incident, attends a Hmong party. He struggles to fit in with the younger generation, feeling a sense of belonging with the Hmong elders over his own family. Despite his awkward attempts, he finds himself drawn to Wa Xam, a beautiful young woman. However, his interactions with Tao, the young man who tried to steal his car, lead to an awkward encounter where Walt offers unsolicited advice and criticism. As the party progresses, Walt enjoys the Hmong food and drinks rice liquor, watching Tao's failed attempts to woo Wa Xam. Ultimately, he leaves the party with a sarcastic comment and a parting shot, leaving Tao feeling defeated.
Strengths
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Witty dialogue
  • Exploration of cultural themes
Weaknesses
  • Some stereotypical language and attitudes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of humor, confrontation, and reflection that keeps the audience interested. The dialogue is sharp and the character interactions are dynamic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unlikely connections and cultural clashes is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and advancing the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt interacts with Tao and other characters at the party, revealing more about their personalities and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural identity and intergenerational relationships, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Walt's blunt and sarcastic nature contrasting with Tao's reserved demeanor. Their interactions add layers to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao experience subtle changes in their perspectives and attitudes towards each other, hinting at potential growth and understanding.

Internal Goal: 9

Walt's internal goal is to come to terms with his past and his identity. He realizes that he has more in common with the Hmong people than his own family, leading to a moment of self-reflection and epiphany.

External Goal: 8

Walt's external goal is to socialize and interact with the Hmong community at the gathering, as well as to confront Tao about the stolen car.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, mainly stemming from the cultural differences and misunderstandings between Walt and Tao.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and relationships, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the potential for meaningful connections and personal growth for the characters is significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between Walt and the Hmong teenagers, as well as the revelation of Walt's internal struggles and biases.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Walt's realization of his own prejudices and biases towards the Hmong people, contrasting with his desire to connect with them and understand their culture.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to reflection, as the characters navigate their differences and similarities.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and revealing, capturing the essence of each character and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, drama, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in Walt's journey and interactions with the Hmong community.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with a balance of introspective moments and lively interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts, maintaining the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts with an interesting moment of Walt's epiphany, but it's quickly overshadowed by his offensive language and lack of self-awareness. While the scene tries to portray Walt's internal conflict, it undermines its effectiveness by using insensitive language and stereotypes.
  • The scene relies heavily on dialogue and exposition, which slows the pace. The interaction between Walt and the Hmong women feels forced and lacks genuine character development.
  • Walt's jokes and behavior towards the Hmong women feel unnatural and stereotypical, especially given his previous display of prejudice. They create more distance between Walt and the audience.
  • The scene doesn't effectively explore the complexities of Walt's relationship with Tao. Their interactions feel rushed and superficial, and the humor feels out of place, especially when Walt insults Tao with derogatory terms.
  • The scene's ending, where Walt offers unsolicited advice and insults Tao about his interactions with Wa Xam, feels contrived and unnecessarily mean-spirited. It doesn't provide any meaningful insight into either character's motivation.
  • The dialogue in the scene feels more like a lecture about cultural stereotypes than a real conversation between two characters. The scene's heavy-handed dialogue and simplistic characterizations make it less engaging and believable.
Suggestions
  • Instead of using stereotypes and offensive language, explore Walt's inner turmoil and his evolving perspective on the Hmong community through more subtle and nuanced means. Use his actions, reactions, and internal monologues to convey his changing views.
  • Consider incorporating more visual elements into the scene to create a more immersive experience. Show Walt's discomfort among the Hmong teenagers through his body language, facial expressions, and interactions with the environment.
  • Focus on developing a deeper understanding of the relationship between Walt and Tao. Show how Walt's prejudice towards Tao and his family is slowly being challenged by his interactions with them.
  • Give Tao a stronger voice in the scene. Explore his own thoughts and feelings about Walt, the party, and his relationship with Wa Xam. This will add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Instead of resorting to stereotypes, focus on the nuances of Walt's personality and his evolving relationship with the Hmong community. This will create a more authentic and engaging scene.
  • Explore the humor in the scene through more subtle and observational means. Show the humor in the situation by focusing on the characters' reactions and observations, rather than relying on forced jokes and offensive language.
  • Rewrite the scene with a more natural dialogue flow. Focus on creating a believable and engaging exchange between Walt and the other characters, while exploring the complexity of their relationships.



Scene 22 -  The Gift of Tao
49 EXT. WALT’S YARD - DAY 49

Walt empties the lawnmower bag as two elderly Hmong Women
come over, each carrying a FLOWER BOUQUET.

WALT
No. No thanks. No more flowers.

The elderly Hmong Women nod and speak rapid sentences in
Hmong to Walt. He has no idea what they are saying.

WALT
No more. Please, keep your
flowers.

The Hmong women nod, smile and chatter away, ignoring
Walt. They walk past him and set the BOUQUETS on his
porch.

WALT
(defeated)
Okay, just put them on the porch.
But that’s it. No more.


50 INT. WALT’S ENTRYWAY - MORNING 50

The doorbell rings. Walt answers, a Skillsaw in one
hand.

Standing on his doorstep are three Hmong women.
WALT
What now, Gee?

Gee holds up a plate covered with tinfoil.

WALT
No. Forget it. Stop bringing me
stuff.

Gee scolds Walt in Hmong.

WALT
No. I’ve had it.

Gee opens the corner of the tinfoil. Walt looks at the
food.


(CONTINUED)
57.
50 CONTINUED: 50
WALT
I can’t. You have to stop.

Gee pulls the tinfoil off. Walt gazes at the food.

WALT
Is that the chicken dumpling thing
you brought the other day?


51 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - EVENING 51

Walt pulls up in his pickup truck. Sue and Vu wait on
Walt’s porch. Tao stands out on the sidewalk.

Walt gets out of his pickup.
WALT
What now? What?

Vu rambles on in Hmong. Walt looks at his watch. He
looks at Sue for the translation.

SUE
Tao is here to make amends, he’s
here to work for you.

WALT
No he’s not.

SUE
Mother says that Tao dishonored
the family and now he has to work
off his debt. He’ll start
tomorrow morning.
WALT
No. The kid is useless, I don’t
even want him on my property. I
thought we already went over that.

SUE
It’s very important to my mother
that you accept. It’d be an
insult to refuse.

WALT
How is this all of a sudden turned
around on me? The goddamned kid
tries to steal my car and somehow
I’m the bad guy if I don’t accept?




(CONTINUED)
58.
51 CONTINUED: 51
SUE
My family is very traditional and
it will very much upset them if
you don’t let Tao repay...

Tao interrupts from the sidewalk...

TAO
Come on, Sue. If he doesn’t want
to, let’s just go.

Sue and Vu yell at Tao to shut up at the same time; Sue
in English, Vu in Hmong.

SUE/VU
Shut up. Shut up! Shut up!!
Tao looks at the ground.

A PAUSE. Walt sees the earnest looks on the Hmong
women’s faces. Their expression “begs” Walt.

Walt gazes back at Tao. Walt looks disgusted, he exhales
loudly...

WALT
Fine. Great. Tomorrow.

Walt walks past them and into his house.

WALT
Jesus, Joseph and Mary. These
Hmong broads are like badgers.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt is at home when he is visited by three Hmong women who shower him with gifts and insist on introducing him to Tao, a young man who owes a debt to their family and will work for Walt in repayment. Walt tries to refuse both the gifts and Tao, but the women are relentless, eventually persuading him to accept Tao. The scene ends with Walt grumbling about the persistence of the Hmong women, while Tao is now officially his new employee.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of cultural clash
  • Well-defined characters
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive refusal of gifts
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the cultural differences and tensions between Walt and the Hmong community, creating a sense of conflict and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural clash and the struggle for acceptance is well-developed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Walt's reluctance to accept Tao's attempt to make amends, adding depth to the cultural conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on cultural clashes and individualism vs. community dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Walt and Sue, are well-defined and their interactions showcase their differing perspectives and values.

Character Changes: 7

Walt experiences a shift in perspective as he reluctantly agrees to let Tao work for him, showing a subtle change in his attitude.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to maintain his independence and solitude, as seen through his repeated refusals of the Hmong women's offerings. This reflects his fear of losing control over his own life and space.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to resist the Hmong community's attempts to involve him in their traditions and customs. This reflects the immediate challenge of asserting his boundaries and autonomy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walt and the Hmong community is palpable, creating a sense of unease and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt facing resistance from the Hmong community and internal conflict over his values.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Walt's decision to accept or reject Tao's offer could have significant consequences for their relationship and the community dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and setting up potential resolutions for the cultural tensions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turns in the characters' interactions and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between individualism and community. Walt values his independence and privacy, while the Hmong community values tradition and collective responsibility. This challenges Walt's beliefs about self-reliance and isolation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from frustration to empathy, as the characters navigate their differences.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and frustration between the characters, highlighting the cultural divide.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict, humor, and emotional tension between the characters. The audience is invested in Walt's struggle to maintain his boundaries.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit repetitive and lacks forward momentum. The repeated insistence of the Hmong women on giving Walt food and flowers, followed by their insistence that Tao work for him, feels like a beat that's been played out before. The scene also feels a little too on-the-nose in its depiction of Walt's prejudice and stubbornness.
  • The dialogue feels clunky in places, particularly with Walt's repeated use of the word "No." The scene would benefit from more nuanced dialogue that reveals Walt's inner conflict, his fears, and his true feelings about the Hmong people.
  • The scene lacks any real emotional weight. It's mainly driven by Walt's resistance and the Hmong women's persistence, but we don't get a sense of why this is so important to either side.
  • The scene would be more effective if it explored the deeper motivations behind the Hmong women's actions. What are their hopes in having Tao work for Walt? What does this represent to them beyond just "making amends"?
  • The ending feels too abrupt. Walt's acceptance of Tao feels unearned, and the scene ends with Walt's prejudiced remarks about the Hmong women. This leaves a bad taste in the reader's mouth and doesn't really move the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding some internal monologue to Walt's thoughts to give the reader a deeper understanding of his internal conflict. What does he feel about the Hmong women? What is his true opinion of Tao? Why does he keep saying no, even when it seems like he wants to say yes?
  • Develop the Hmong women's characters beyond just being "Hmong women." What are their relationships to Tao? What is their role in the community? What are their motivations for pushing this arrangement?
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of telling us that Walt is prejudiced, show us his prejudice through his actions, his tone, and his body language.
  • Consider adding some visual details to the scene that can provide more subtext. What does Walt's expression look like as he watches the women? How does his body language change?
  • Change the ending of the scene so that it ends with a more compelling moment. For example, Walt could reluctantly agree to give Tao a chance but secretly feel a sense of dread, or he could be secretly impressed by the Hmong women's determination, leading to a more complex internal struggle.



Scene 23 -  Unequal Labor
52 EXT. WALT’S PORCH - NEXT MORNING 52
Walt sits drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Tao
walks sheepishly over to the property line.

WALT
Son of a bitch, I didn’t think
he’d show.

Walt waves Tao over. Tao barely looks at Walt.

WALT
Okay. What are you good at?

TAO
Like what?

WALT
That’s what I’m asking. What are
you good at?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
59.
52 CONTINUED: 52
WALT (CONT'D)
If you’re gonna work for me, I
have to know what you can do.

TAO
I don’t know.

WALT
That’s about what I expected.
Okay, why don’t you go over by the
spruce tree and count how many
birds feed at the bird feeder.

TAO
Count the birds?

WALT
Yeah, you can count? You slopes
are supposed to be good at math,
right?

TAO
Yes, I can count.


53 EXT. WALT’S GARDEN - MORNING 53

Tao stands in Walt’s garden with his arms folded. Walt
walks over to trim weeds around the garden fence.

Walt doesn’t even look at Tao. Finally...

TAO
You want me to do that?

WALT
No.
TAO
Why not?

WALT
I want it done right, that’s why.

TAO
But you’ve got me just standing
here. What am I supposed to be
doing, anyway?

WALT
Scaring away crows.

Tao shoots Walt a dirty look.



(CONTINUED)
60.
53 CONTINUED: 53
WALT
It’s a perfect job for you, plus
you people don’t seem to mind
squinting in the sun all day.


54 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - MORNING 54

Walt waters a flower bed. Tao comes over and stands
there. Walt finishes watering before even looking at
Tao.

TAO
What do you have for me today?
You want me to watch paint dry or
maybe count the clouds that pass
by?
WALT
Don’t get flip with me, zipper
head. I ain’t the one who tried
to steal and don’t forget it.

TAO
Go ahead. I don’t care if you
insult me and say racist things.
I’ll take it.

WALT
That I know. You have no teeth,
kid. That’s your problem. You
have no balls.

TAO
Look, I’m stuck here. Why don’t
you give me something useful to
do.

WALT
Because unlike you I’m not
useless. I maintain my property,
whereas you swamp rats let your
houses go to hell.

Walt looks across the street at one very dilapidated
house.

WALT
Wait a minute... How long do I
have you for?

Tao pauses... he doesn’t want to answer.

WALT
How long, Toad?
(CONTINUED)
61.
54 CONTINUED: 54
TAO
(quietly)
Till next Friday.

Walt laughs out loud. It makes Tao cringe.

WALT
Go get my ladder out of the
garage.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense morning scene, Walt, a grumpy older man, sits on his porch reading the newspaper while Tao, a young Hmong man, approaches hesitantly. Walt belittles Tao with racist remarks as he assigns him menial tasks, such as counting birds and scaring away crows. Despite the insults, Tao remains mostly silent, trying to earn Walt's approval. The scene highlights the uncomfortable power dynamic between the two, culminating in Walt sending Tao to retrieve a ladder, leaving the audience uncertain about the next task and the escalating conflict.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tense and engaging dialogue
  • Compelling conflict
Weaknesses
  • Use of racial slurs and derogatory language may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and engaging, with strong character dynamics and conflict. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the scene forward.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an elderly man reluctantly taking on a young Hmong man as a worker, despite their cultural differences and past conflicts, is compelling and sets the stage for character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Walt begrudgingly assigns tasks to Tao, showcasing their strained relationship and setting up potential future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of racism, discrimination, and power dynamics through the interactions between Walt and Tao. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Tao are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and tension. Their contrasting personalities drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao undergo subtle changes in their dynamic as they navigate their strained relationship and begrudgingly work together.

Internal Goal: 8

Tao's internal goal is to prove himself and find a sense of belonging or purpose in a hostile environment. His desire for acceptance and respect is evident in his interactions with Walt.

External Goal: 7

Tao's external goal is to fulfill his job duties for Walt and earn his trust, despite facing discrimination and mistreatment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Tao is palpable and drives the scene, creating a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt's racist remarks and mistreatment of Tao creating a significant obstacle for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain of how Tao will navigate this challenging situation.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the potential for further conflict and growth between Walt and Tao, as well as the impact on their respective lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the relationship between Walt and Tao, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, unexpected reactions from the characters, and the unresolved tension between Walt and Tao. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will escalate or resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between Walt's racist beliefs and Tao's resilience and determination to prove himself. This challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs, highlighting the clash of different worldviews.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes negative emotions such as tension, hostility, and discomfort, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with tension, effectively conveying the animosity between Walt and Tao.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict, power dynamics, and underlying tension between the characters. The sharp dialogue and confrontational interactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the characters' interactions, dialogue, and actions. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue that drive the narrative forward. It effectively sets up the conflict and tension between Walt and Tao.


Critique
  • The scene feels repetitive and doesn't advance the plot or character development significantly. The dialogue is repetitive and lacks the tension and conflict that we've seen in previous scenes.
  • The constant use of racial slurs and stereotypes makes the scene feel lazy and insensitive. While the script explores themes of racism and cultural conflict, the constant use of slurs feels forced and unoriginal. The writer can achieve a more powerful impact by using subtle characterization and symbolism instead of relying on offensive language.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition and dialogue. The writer should explore more visual ways to convey information and character development, such as through action, setting, and nonverbal cues.
  • Tao's character doesn't feel complex or sympathetic. While the previous scene establishes Tao's situation, he's still portrayed as a generic victim. He should be more proactive and have a clear motivation beyond simply obeying Walt.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with no sense of closure or resolution. The writer should consider how to create a more satisfying ending, either through a moment of character revelation, a shift in the power dynamic between Walt and Tao, or a hint of a future conflict.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective. It seems to be an opportunity for Walt to vent his racist views, but it doesn't advance the overall plot or create a sense of urgency for the characters.
Suggestions
  • Instead of repeating the same insults, explore Walt's motivations for being so hostile towards Tao. Is it fear, anger, a sense of lost power, or a deep-seated prejudice? This would add nuance and depth to Walt's character.
  • Give Tao a more active role in the scene. He should have a clear objective, whether it's to earn Walt's respect, to prove his worth, or to escape this uncomfortable situation. He should react to Walt's insults with more than just passive acceptance.
  • Focus on the visual details of the scene. Instead of having Walt simply rant, show him struggling with his age, his health, or his sense of displacement. Use the garden, the house, and the surrounding neighborhood to create a sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • Consider adding a scene where Tao has a conversation with someone else about Walt, providing the audience with a different perspective on their relationship and adding depth to Tao's character.
  • End the scene with a moment of revelation or a new conflict. Perhaps Walt shows a flicker of compassion for Tao, or Tao makes a decision that changes the dynamic between them. The scene should leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 24 -  A Day of Disconnection
55 EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE - SAME DAY 55

Tao is at the top of the LADDER. Walt and the Hmong
neighbor grin at him from the bottom.
WALT
When you’re done caulking the
siding, nail that gutter back up,
I can see it right out my kitchen
window, it’s been bugging me for
three years.

The neighbor says something in Hmong to Walt.

WALT
You said it, brother.


56 EXT. HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET - RAINY MORNING 56

Tao digs up a big TREE STUMP out in the rain. It’s hard,
draining labor and Tao is covered with mud.
Tao’s shovel hits rocks and roots and clay. Misery.


57 EXT. NEIGHBORING HOUSES - DAY 57

We see Tao do various chores; scrape paint, hang screen
doors, reattach house numbers, trim bushes, etc.

Walt scrutinizes his every move. Tao is a virtual slave.


58 EXT. WALT’S PORCH - MORNING 58

Walt watches with great satisfaction as Tao paints one of
the neighboring houses. The neighborhood is really
shaping up.

Walt sips his coffee with a slight grin. He is really,
really, really enjoying this.
(CONTINUED)
62.
58 CONTINUED: 58
A very old Hmong man and his very young GRANDSON walk up
Walt’s driveway. The Grandson translates for grandpa.

GRANDSON
Grandpa says he want to know if
you can have Tao clear out the big
wasp nest under our porch?

Walt reaches in his pocket and studies a small note pad.

WALT
I don’t see why not.
(grins )
Tell him sometime after lunch.


59 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - MORNING 59
Tao walks up the sidewalk. Before ringing the doorbell,
Tao looks down at his hands which have several CALLOUSES
on them.

Tao rubs his hands with a smile. This has been the first
time Tao has really risen to a task presented to him.

Tao reaches for the doorbell...


60 INT. WALT’S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 60

Walt stands over the sink, coughing. In the b.g. the
doorbell rings.

Walt coughs up a big spot of blood, it’s thick with
fibers. The doorbell rings again.
Walt wipes his mouth and runs the water in the sink.


61 INT. WALT’S ENTRYWAY - SECONDS LATER 61

Walt answers the door, just as Tao rings the doorbell a
third time. Walt looks angry.

WALT
Jesus Lord almighty, knock it off.

TAO
It’s my last day, whatta you want
me to do?

WALT
Take the day off, you’ve done
enough.

(CONTINUED)
63.
61 CONTINUED: 61
Tao looks disappointed, but says nothing. He nods and
starts to walk away. Walt calls after him...

WALT
Toad.

Tao turns around. Walt wants to say something, but
stops.

WALT
Nothing, never mind.

Walt shuts the door.


62 INT. DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM 62
Walt sits in the crowded waiting room. He looks around.
He’s the only WHITE PERSON in the room. Even most of the
STAFF is African or from India.

As Walt waits, names are called out such as Alvarez,
Ngaima, Yang and Abdalla.

Finally when the name “Kowalski” is called, the Muslim
woman can’t pronounce it correctly. Walt winces.


63 INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE 63

Walt sits in a chair, his hands folded in his lap.

A short Asian man in a doctor’s smock comes in with a
chart.

ASIAN DOCTOR
Mr. Kowalski?

WALT
That’s right.

ASIAN DOCTOR
Good afternoon. I looked over
your paperwork and I think we
should immediately start on a full
battery of tests. I feel that
this...

WALT
Wait a minute. Where’s my regular
doctor, where’s Dr. Fellman?




(CONTINUED)
64.
63 CONTINUED: 63
ASIAN DOCTOR
Dr. Fellman retired three years
ago. I’m his replacement, Dr.
Chang.

WALT
Jesus Christ.


64 INT. MITCH’S KITCHEN 64

Mitch, Karen and Ashley are in the kitchen. The phone
rings and Ashley looks at the caller ID.

ASHLEY
It’s Grandpa Walt.
KAREN
Well, pick it up.

ASHLEY
You talk to him.

KAREN
Mitch?

MITCH
I’m doing bills here.

KAREN
He’s your father.

Ashley hands him the phone and he pushes the TALK button.

MITCH
Hello, Dad.
WALT (V.O.)
Hello? It’s me... Dad.

MITCH
I know. What’s up?

The CAMERA INTERCUTS BETWEEN Mitch in his huge kitchen
and Walt sitting on the edge of his bed.

WALT
Um... not much, how about you?

MITCH
I’m fine, fine.

WALT
Fine. That’s fine... How about
the kids and Karen?
(CONTINUED)
65.
64 CONTINUED: 64
MITCH
Everyone is fine.

WALT
Good.

There is a long, uncomfortable pause. Walt looks at some
Xeroxed medical pamphlets scattered on his bed.

MITCH
Good.

WALT
Well, that’s good... How’s...
work?

MITCH
Busy.

WALT
Right. I s’pose.

MITCH
Speaking of busy, I have a lot on
my plate right now, unless there’s
something pressing.

Walt looks at a pale, blue pamphlet. Mitch looks at his
housekeeping bill.

WALT
No. Nope.

Another pause.

WALT
Okay then.

MITCH
Okay. Yeah, so it’s not a good
time right now. Why don’t you
call me over the weekend.

WALT
Sure.

MITCH
Okay, it was nice talking to you,
bye, Dad.

Walt hangs up. He lies down on his bed.
66.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt, a man facing health concerns, attempts to connect with his estranged son, Mitch, but is met with indifference. Meanwhile, Walt's employee, Tao, is eager to continue working despite being told to take the day off. This scene highlights the strained relationship between Walt and Mitch, as well as Walt's sense of isolation and longing for connection.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Cultural exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and sets the stage for significant character development. The tension and discomfort felt by Walt and the other characters are palpable, drawing the audience in.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of self-reflection, regret, and strained family relationships is well-executed in this scene. It introduces a turning point for Walt's character and sets the stage for further exploration of his internal struggles.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt's health issues come to the forefront, leading to a confrontation with his son and a realization about his own mortality. The introduction of Tao as a character also adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of cultural differences and power dynamics in a suburban setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt, Mitch, and Tao, are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity. The scene delves into their emotions, motivations, and relationships, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Walt undergoes a significant change in this scene as he begins to confront his past and reevaluate his relationships. This sets the stage for further character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Tao's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and rise to the challenges presented to him. He wants to show that he is capable and hardworking, despite the obstacles he faces.

External Goal: 7

Tao's external goal is to complete the tasks assigned to him by Walt and earn his approval. He wants to finish the chores and projects to the best of his ability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walt and his family, as well as his internal struggles, creates a compelling dynamic that keeps the audience engaged. The clash of cultures and generations adds another layer of conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with clear power dynamics and conflicts between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Walt as he grapples with his health issues, strained family relationships, and cultural differences. The outcome of his introspection and interactions with others will have a significant impact on his future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, character dynamics, and themes that will shape the narrative. It sets the stage for future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected conflicts and tensions between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash of cultures and values between Walt and Tao. Walt sees Tao as a subordinate and treats him as such, while Tao wants to be seen as an equal and respected for his hard work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and discomfort to introspection and regret. The audience is likely to feel empathy towards Walt and his journey of self-discovery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the scene. It reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up multiple conflicts and tensions that will drive the narrative forward. The subtle character interactions and underlying emotions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding conflicts and interactions between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflicts and tensions that will drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • This scene feels somewhat repetitive and lacks the dramatic tension of previous scenes. We've already established that Walt is using Tao as a cheap laborer, and his enjoyment of this arrangement is clear. The repetitive nature of Tao's tasks, coupled with Walt's constant scrutiny, makes the scene feel more like a monotonous chore than a dramatic moment.
  • While the scene shows Walt's satisfaction with his manipulative actions, it doesn't offer much new insight into his character or his motivations. We've already seen him exploit Tao and enjoy the neighborhood's improvement. The repetition doesn't contribute to the overall story arc.
  • The scene's pacing is slow and lacks a clear focus. The dialogue feels bland, and the action is minimal. The intercutting between Walt's coughing fit and the ringing doorbell feels clunky and uneventful.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and unsatisfying. Walt's call to Tao and subsequent dismissal feel unearned and lack emotional weight. We don't get a sense of Walt's internal conflict or a sense of foreshadowing for future events.
  • The scene doesn't contribute much to the overarching story arc. It feels like a filler scene that doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the scene entirely. The events don't significantly affect the story, and the scene feels redundant and monotonous. You can add a few lines to the next scene mentioning that Tao finished his work and is now taking a day off.
  • If you choose to keep the scene, try adding a moment of tension or conflict to make it more engaging. Perhaps Tao could be injured while working, or Walt could experience a physical breakdown as a result of his actions. This would give the scene more dramatic weight and offer some foreshadowing for later events.
  • Focus on Walt's internal conflict. Show his struggle with his guilt or his fear of losing control. How is he feeling as he watches Tao working? Is there a flicker of regret or remorse in his eyes? Explore his emotional state and show the audience what is happening inside him.
  • Introduce some visual elements to make the scene more dynamic. Perhaps use close-up shots of Tao's calloused hands or Walt's bloodstained handkerchief. Show the details of the tasks Tao is performing to create a sense of realism and enhance the emotional impact.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Instead of abruptly cutting to Walt's doctor's appointment, consider showing Tao's reaction to being dismissed. How does he feel about being taken advantage of? This would create a stronger sense of closure and build anticipation for the next scene.



Scene 25 -  The Bird Feeder and the Threat
65 EXT. WALT’S FRONT YARD - DAY 65

While Walt fills a bird feeder, he notices Tao next door.

Tao stands, tiptoed on the top of a six-foot ladder,
trying to cut a high branch with a pole saw.

Walt shakes his head and walks over to Tao.

WALT
Hey, moron.

Tao is startled and almost falls off the ladder.

TAO
What?
WALT
I appreciate you’re doing
something on your own, but you’re
the only person I know dumb enough
to get himself killed trimming
tree branches.

TAO
What now?

WALT
You don’t stand on the top step of
a ladder and if you cut through
that branch you’re hacking away
at, you’ll end up kaput.

Tao looks and sure enough -- a thick, black POWER LINE is
five feet below the branch he’s almost severed.
WALT
Go grab the extension ladder from
my garage and I’ll show you how to
do it right, zipper head.

CUT TO:


66 EXT. TAO’S YARD - LATER 66

Tao ties up bundles of branches and twigs. Walt lights a
cigarette, looks up in the tree and nods.

WALT
Looks good. Good job.

Tao nods.


(CONTINUED)
67.
66 CONTINUED: 66
WALT
Make sure you put the ladder back
when you’re done raking up the
leaves.

TAO
I know. I will.

Walt walks back over to his porch, grabs a Pabst from the
cooler and watches Tao rake.

A white Honda turns the corner and drives slowly past
Tao.

Smokie and Spider smile menacingly at Tao as they pass.

WALT
This kid doesn’t have a chance.

The Honda now slowly passes Walt’s house. Walt just
stands there, sipping his beer.

The Honda slows to a stop and the gangbangers glare at
Walt.

The REAR WINDOW of the Honda opens.

Walt holds out his RIGHT HAND like a GUN. He closes one
eye to better “aim” his imaginary gun and moves his thumb
several times as if firing. Bang -- bang -- bang.

The Honda takes off. Walt watches it drive off and
lights another cigarette.

Walt doesn’t notice, but Tao witnessed this whole
interaction from his yard.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Walt, while tending to his bird feeder, notices Tao attempting to cut a high branch with a pole saw, unaware of the inherent danger. Walt, with amusement and concern, intervenes, demonstrating the correct method using an extension ladder. However, the scene takes a turn when Walt witnesses Smokie and Spider, known gang members, drive by and glare menacingly at Tao. Feeling protective, Walt pretends to shoot at them with an imaginary gun, forcing them to drive away. Tao observes the entire exchange, left with a sense of unease and dependence on Walt. The scene ends with Walt lighting a cigarette, seemingly unconcerned by the threat, while Tao watches from a distance, highlighting the underlying tension and the potential for future conflict.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and showcases Walt's strong personality and defiance, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a standoff between an elderly man and gangbangers adds depth to the story and highlights themes of power dynamics and conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Walt confronts the gangbangers, leading to a significant moment of conflict and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of neighborly interaction but adds a twist with the presence of gangbangers, creating a fresh and unpredictable situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Walt's character is further developed through his actions and dialogue in the scene, showcasing his defiance and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and guide Tao, showcasing his sense of responsibility and care for his neighbor.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent Tao from harming himself while trimming the tree branches and to subtly intimidate the gangbangers passing by.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with a tense standoff between Walt and the gangbangers, creating a gripping and intense moment.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the potential danger posed by the gangbangers and Walt's subtle intimidation tactics adding complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Walt confronts the gangbangers, risking his safety and showcasing his strength and defiance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a significant confrontation and highlighting Walt's character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected presence of gangbangers and the tension that arises from Walt's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Walt's sense of duty to protect Tao and the gangbangers' potential threat to Tao's safety. This challenges Walt's values of community and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and defiance, creating an emotional impact on the audience through the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, confrontational, and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and power dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the sense of danger, and the suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a somewhat forced and comedic moment of Walt being condescending and insulting Tao, but this type of humor quickly becomes repetitive and loses its effectiveness.
  • The scene then shifts to Tao doing work that has no relation to the previous scene, making the transition feel awkward and jarring. This abrupt change creates a sense of disconnection in the narrative, as if the writer is trying to force in a scene with Smokie and Spider.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Tao is predictable and lacks a natural flow. Walt's constant insults and threats towards Tao, while fitting with his character, lack nuance and originality.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict. While there is a hint of tension between Walt and Tao, it's more about Walt's disapproval and not really a dynamic conflict.
  • The ending of the scene feels rushed and underdeveloped. Walt's imaginary gunplay feels like a childish attempt at intimidation that lacks genuine threat. This type of action lacks nuance and is not in keeping with the rest of the scene's tone.
  • The scene relies on a visual representation of Smokie and Spider's menacing stares to convey their threat, but this approach is shallow and lacks a sense of danger. The visual representation of Walt firing an imaginary gun is unconvincing and lacks any impact, making the scene feel more comedic than dramatic.
Suggestions
  • Instead of starting with Walt being insulting, try showing him interacting with Tao in a way that feels more genuine, perhaps expressing genuine concern for his safety or even a subtle hint of begrudging respect. This will help to create a more nuanced and realistic interaction between the two characters.
  • Consider connecting the scene to the previous scene by having Tao's work relate to Walt's recent realization about his life and his desire to connect with the Hmong community. This will create a more cohesive narrative and help the audience understand the significance of this scene.
  • Explore a more complex relationship between Walt and Tao. Instead of just insults, try showing Walt making some effort to connect with Tao, even if it's awkward or hesitant. This will create a more engaging dynamic and allow for more nuanced character development.
  • Develop a real conflict between Walt and the Hmong gang. It’s unclear what their motivation is for threatening Tao. Perhaps they feel Walt is encroaching on their territory, or perhaps they are just trying to intimidate him. This will create a more dramatic and suspenseful scene.
  • Enhance the visual aspects of the scene to create a sense of threat and danger. Use camera angles, lighting, and sound design to make the scene feel more intense. For example, you could show Smokie and Spider driving past Walt with a menacing grin and a sinister soundtrack playing in the background.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the scene. Instead of focusing on Walt’s childish attempt at intimidation, focus on his fear of the gangbangers, or perhaps on his growing concern for Tao’s safety. This will make the scene more engaging and will create a stronger connection with the audience.



Scene 26 -  A Wrench in the Works
67 INT. WALT’S ENTRYWAY - MORNING 67

The doorbell rings.

Walt opens his door. Tao stands there with his hands in
his pockets. He’s a bit apprehensive.

TAO
What do you know about faucets?

Walt stares at him for a second and then laughs.

CUT TO:
68.


68 INT. TAO’S KITCHEN - A MINUTE LATER 68

Tao looks on as Walt turns the faucet on and off, it
drips water at its base. Walt looks under the sink.

WALT
For the love of Pete.

TAO
What?

WALT
It must be a hundred degrees in
here, turn on the fan.

Tao flips the switch on the CEILING FAN, the fan wobbles
and shakes, it looks like it’s about to fly off.
Walt stares up at the fan and shakes his head.


69 INT. WALT’S GARAGE 69

The CEILING FAN and FAUCET are taken apart on the
workbench. Walt reinstalls the diverter valve. Tao
looks at all of Walt’s tools.

TAO
Man, where did you get all this
stuff?

WALT
What are you talking about?

TAO
All the tools and stuff.
WALT
Where the hell do you think I got
them, Toad? This may come as a
shock to a thief, but I actually
bought the things I have with
money I earned.

TAO
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s not what
I meant. There’s just so much
shit packed in here.

WALT
You need the right tool for the
right job. Every single thing
here has a purpose.


(CONTINUED)
69.
69 CONTINUED: 69
TAO
Okay, what’s this?

Tao points to a tool.

WALT
Post hole digger.

Tao starts pointing at things on the workbench in quick
succession, questioning Walt with his expression.

WALT
Hand spade. Tin snips. Nail
punch. Tack hammer. Putty knife.
Wire stripper. Drywall saw. Tile
spacers.
Silence. Walt can see something is bothering Tao, but
he’s too uncomfortable to speak up --

WALT
What?

TAO
I can’t afford to buy all this
stuff.

WALT
I didn’t buy all this stuff at
once, blockhead. I’ve lived here
for fifty years. A man stays in
one place long enough he tends to
attract a decent set of tools.

TAO
Yeah, but...
WALT
Look, kid, I think I know where
you’re going with this. You don’t
need everything to maintain a
house. I’m going to let you in on
a little secret.

Walt rattles around his tool bench and slaps down THREE
items in quick succession.

WALT
This is for you. Roll of duct
tape, can of WD-40 and a pair of
vise-grips. Any man who’s worth a
shit can do half his household
jobs with these three things. In
the odd chance that doesn’t work
out, you can borrow something.
(CONTINUED)
70.
69 CONTINUED: (2) 69
TAO
Okay. Cool.

Walt coughs and covers his mouth. Both Tao and Walt see
the spot of BLOOD in his hand.

TAO
What’s with that?

WALT
What’s with what?

TAO
The blood you just coughed up.
That’s not good, you should see a
doctor.
Walt quickly changes the subject -- while tightening the
screws that hold the fan blade to the motor hub.

WALT
So... what exactly was the deal
with those guys out on my lawn
that night? Who are they?

TAO
A gang. Hmong gangbangers.

WALT
I gathered that. What did they
want with you?

TAO
They wanted to take me away
because I blew my first
initiation.
WALT
You joined up with those pukes?
Damn, you are a pussy. Why in the
hell did you do that?

TAO
I don’t know. They were
persuasive. My cousin’s in the
gang. They just talked me into it
I guess.

WALT
Well, at least you’re honest about
it.

A LONG SILENCE. Walt finishes fixing the ceiling fan.


(CONTINUED)
71.
69 CONTINUED: (3) 69
WALT
So how’d you blow your first
initiation?

Tao nods towards the GRAN TORINO.

WALT
The Gran Torino?

Tao nods. Walt laughs.

WALT
Christ all Friday.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt, a seasoned handyman, helps his friend Tao fix his kitchen faucet and ceiling fan. While working, Walt notices Tao's cough and learns he's joined a Hmong gang. Walt expresses disappointment and concern, but Tao insists he was persuaded by his cousin. The scene ends with Walt completing the repairs, leaving a tense silence between them, highlighting the complex dynamics of their friendship and Tao's new path.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Mild conflict
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, drama, and character development, making it engaging and informative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of teaching Tao about tools and household maintenance is unique and adds depth to Walt's character. The scene also introduces Walt's health issues subtly.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Walt teaching Tao about tools, but also hints at larger themes such as mentorship and concern for others.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mentor-mentee relationship, blending humor with moments of vulnerability and wisdom. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Both Walt and Tao are well-developed in this scene, with Walt showing a mix of gruffness and care, and Tao displaying curiosity and eagerness to learn.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao undergo subtle changes in their understanding of each other and the importance of tools and maintenance.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to impart wisdom and guidance to the younger character, Tao, while also showcasing his own expertise and experience.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fix the faucet and ceiling fan in the kitchen, reflecting his practical skills and problem-solving abilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Walt and Tao regarding tools and household maintenance, but it is resolved through teaching and learning.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the characters' differing perspectives and values. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and learning.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao and hinting at Walt's health issues.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in dialogue and the revelation of deeper character motivations and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around self-reliance and the value of hard work versus taking shortcuts or relying on others for help. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in self-sufficiency and the importance of earning what you have.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to concern, but does not have a deeply emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, mixing humor with serious topics, and revealing insights into both characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the humor interspersed with moments of tension, and the practical problem-solving elements that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a balance of slower moments for character development and faster-paced sequences for problem-solving.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats for the protagonist's interactions with Tao and the resolution of the household issues. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene feels clunky and rushed, with too much information being dumped on the audience at once. This makes it hard for the reader to fully engage with the dynamics between Walt and Tao.
  • The scene is dominated by dialogue, and there is not enough visual detail to bring the scene to life. We don't have much sense of their environment or how the characters are interacting with their surroundings.
  • The scene's focus on tools is not particularly interesting or engaging. It's unclear what the purpose of this information is, other than to show that Walt is a handyman.
  • The conversation about Tao's gang initiation feels awkward and out of place. It's unclear why Walt is suddenly interested in this topic, and the scene doesn't explore the implications of Tao's involvement in the gang in any meaningful way.
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict. Walt's questions about the gang are not presented as a threat, and the information about Tao blowing his initiation is not presented as a significant event. This makes the scene feel flat and uneventful.
  • Walt's dialogue is often too expository. He explains things to Tao that don't need explaining, such as how he acquired his tools. This makes the dialogue feel artificial and unnatural.
  • The scene does not provide any significant insight into Walt's character. He is presented as a grumpy old man, but we do not learn anything new about his motivations or his feelings towards Tao.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with unanswered questions about Walt's health and Tao's involvement with the gang.
Suggestions
  • Focus on building tension and conflict between Walt and Tao. What is at stake for each of them in this interaction? What are their fears and motivations?
  • Use visual details to bring the scene to life. Describe the setting in greater detail, and use imagery to evoke the characters’ emotions.
  • Explore the theme of mentorship more deeply. What does Walt hope to teach Tao? What does Tao hope to learn from Walt?
  • Expand on the scene's exploration of Tao's gang involvement. What are the implications of this for both Tao and Walt? How does this impact their relationship?
  • Cut down on exposition and let the dialogue reveal the characters’ personalities and motivations. Don't tell the audience what the characters are thinking or feeling. Instead, show them through their actions and words.
  • Create a more gradual shift in the scene's tone. The abrupt transition from the tool discussion to Tao's gang initiation feels jarring.
  • End the scene on a more satisfying note. What does Walt want from Tao? How does this scene set up their future interactions?



Scene 27 -  The Freezer and the Son
70 INT. WALT’S BASEMENT 70
Walt straps an old WESTINGHOUSE FREEZER onto a two-
wheeled DOLLY. Walt attempts to pull the freezer
upstairs.

Walt strains with the heavy appliance. It’s too much
weight for Walt, but this doesn’t stop him from heaving
and pulling.

Walt could have done this by himself when he was younger.
Walt sits down on the step and breathes hard.


71 INT. MITCH’S MASSIVE DEN 71

Mitch watches afternoon baseball, drinking an imported,
bottled beer. KAREN pokes her head into the room.

KAREN
See you later, I’m taking the kids
to the mall.

Mitch never looks up from the TV.

MITCH
Yeah, fine. Just don’t spend too
much goddamned money.

KAREN
I will.

We hear Karen and the kids exit.

MITCH
Thank God. Finally get the house
to myself for once.

The PHONE RINGS. Mitch looks at the Caller ID. It says;
“Dad.” Mitch almost doesn’t pick it up...
(CONTINUED)
72.
71 CONTINUED: 71
MITCH
Hello.

WALT (V.O.)
Hello? It’s me, Dad... Walt.

MITCH
Hey, Dad. What’s up?

The CAMERA INTERCUTS BETWEEN Walt in his small kitchen
and Mitch in his huge den.

WALT
Well... I... um... I’m getting the
old Westinghouse up out of the
basement.
Mitch mouths the word “Shit.”

MITCH
Uh-huh.

WALT
So... I got it on the dolly.

MITCH
Yeah, that’ll help.

WALT
Yeah... And it’s a bit heavy...
for one guy.

MITCH
Uh-huh.

WALT
Yeah... I need a hand.

MITCH
Oh.

WALT
So are you busy?

MITCH
Does it have to be done right this
second? It’s been down there for
years.

WALT
Well... Yeah, I’d like to get on
it.



(CONTINUED)
73.
71 CONTINUED: (2) 71
MITCH
Does it work? We were thinking
about getting a freezer. What are
you going to do with it?

WALT
Giving it to Aunt Mary.

MITCH
Oh... Can’t she give you a hand?

WALT
She’s eighty-one.

MITCH
I know, I was joking... What does
she need it for?
WALT
To freeze food.

Mitch opens another beer.

MITCH
Yeah, well, I’d love to help you
out, Dad, but I’m just walking out
the door. I have to bring the
kids to the mall. Sorry.

WALT
Uh-huh.

MITCH
Why don’t you call Stevie?

WALT
Your brother lives out of state.

MITCH
Well, I don’t know what to tell
you, I’m on my way out. Keys in
my hand.

WALT
Okay then.

MITCH
If you can’t find anyone by next
week, give me a call.

Walt nods and hangs up.

Mitch hangs up and takes a sip of beer.


(CONTINUED)
74.
71 CONTINUED: (3) 71
MITCH
Aunt Mary. Like she needs a
freezer.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary An elderly father, Walt, struggles to move a heavy freezer out of his basement. When he calls his son Mitch for help, Mitch, preoccupied with taking his children to the mall, dismisses his father's request and offers unhelpful suggestions instead. The scene highlights the generational gap and the lack of support Walt receives from his son, leaving him to deal with the problem alone.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of universal themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the complex emotions and dynamics between the characters, setting a somber tone and exploring themes of aging and family relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an elderly man struggling with a heavy appliance while his son is too busy to help reflects the theme of aging and the changing dynamics within a family.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the simple task of moving a freezer, but it serves as a metaphor for the weight of time and the strain in the father-son relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and generational relationships through the mundane task of moving a freezer. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Walt and Mitch are well-developed, with Walt showing signs of aging and independence, while Mitch displays a sense of detachment and busyness.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change within the scene, there is a subtle shift in Walt's realization of his own aging and the changing dynamics with his son.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to seek help from his son Mitch to move the old freezer out of the basement. This reflects Walt's desire for assistance and connection with his family, as well as his physical limitations due to age.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to physically move the old freezer out of the basement. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in terms of physical strength and logistics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the strained relationship between Walt and Mitch rather than external action.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Mitch's reluctance to help his father creates conflict and uncertainty about the outcome of the situation.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are more emotional and internal, focusing on the strained relationship between Walt and Mitch rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides important character development and emotional depth.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and decisions of the characters, such as Mitch prioritizing his own plans over helping his father.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between family obligations and personal convenience. Mitch prioritizes his own leisure time over helping his father, highlighting a clash of values between individual desires and familial responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of melancholy and loneliness, tapping into universal themes of aging and family relationships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the strained relationship between Walt and Mitch, with subtle hints of resentment and disconnect in their conversation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the relatable family dynamics, humor, and tension between the characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action sequences, maintaining the audience's interest and building tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Walt's physical struggle with the freezer, symbolizing his declining strength and independence. This is a poignant reflection of his character and the themes of aging and loss of agency.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Mitch highlights their strained relationship. Mitch's dismissive attitude and reluctance to help his father convey a sense of neglect and emotional distance. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the conflict between them.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat slow, particularly during the phone conversation. While it captures the awkwardness of their relationship, it risks losing the audience's engagement. Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain momentum.
  • Walt's motivation for moving the freezer is revealed only through dialogue, which can feel passive. A more active demonstration of his desire to help Aunt Mary, perhaps through a brief flashback or internal monologue, could enhance emotional resonance.
  • Mitch's character comes off as one-dimensional, primarily serving as a foil to Walt. Adding layers to his character, such as his own struggles or regrets, could create a more complex dynamic between father and son.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual element that shows Walt's physical struggle with the freezer, such as close-ups of his strained expression or the sweat on his brow, to heighten the tension.
  • Introduce more subtext in the dialogue between Walt and Mitch. For example, Mitch could express frustration with his own life, subtly revealing why he is unwilling to help, which would create a richer emotional landscape.
  • Tighten the dialogue to make it snappier and more impactful. Eliminate repetitive phrases and streamline the conversation to keep the audience engaged.
  • Incorporate a brief flashback or internal thought from Walt about Aunt Mary and why the freezer is important to him. This could deepen the audience's understanding of his motivations.
  • Develop Mitch's character further by giving him a moment of reflection after the call, perhaps showing him grappling with guilt or regret about not helping his father, which would add depth to their relationship.



Scene 28 -  Freezer Deal and Cultural Crossroads
72 INT. TAO’S HOUSE 72

The doorbell rings and Tao opens the door. There stands
Walt. Tao is a little shocked.

WALT
You got a minute, Toad?

CUT TO:


73 INT. WALT’S BASEMENT - A MINUTE LATER 73
Walt and Tao look at the freezer strapped to the dolly.

WALT
I just need a little push. All
the weight is up top, so you stay
down and give me a little shove at
each step.

TAO
Let me take the top.

WALT
Naw, I got it.

TAO
No really, I’ll take the top. It
looks pretty heavy.
WALT
I’m not crippled. I got it.

TAO
If you don’t let me take the top,
I ain’t helping. I’ll go home.

WALT
Listen, zipper head, now’s not the
time to go and...

TAO
You listen, old man. You came and
got me because you needed help, so
let me help you. Either it’s top
or I’m out of here.

Walt studies Tao for a second. Tao doesn’t blink, he
holds his ground. Walt nods, trying not to grin.
(CONTINUED)
75.
73 CONTINUED: 73
WALT
Okay then, be my guest. Just
don’t let it slip out of your
little girl hands and crush me.

Tao laughs.

TAO
Don’t give me any ideas.


74 EXT. WALT’S BACKYARD - MINUTES LATER 74

Tao and Walt ease the freezer down the back steps and
pause to take a break. They both breathe hard.

TAO
That thing weighs a ton.

WALT
Yeah, but it runs like new. They
don’t make them like that anymore.

TAO
What are you going to do with it?

WALT
Sell it. I haven’t used it in
years and it was always in the way
down there.

TAO
How much?

WALT
Oh, I don’t know. Sixty bucks,
maybe. Why, you need a freezer?

TAO
(nods)
Our downstairs one died.

Walt thinks for a second.

WALT
Twenty-five and it’s yours.

TAO
Twenty-five? You just said sixty?

WALT
Save me from wasting money on
putting an ad in the paper.
76.


75 EXT. WALT’S PORCH - DAY 75

Walt and Sue sit eating Laab as they watch Tao, who
washes and waxes the Gran Torino in Walt’s driveway.

Sue laughs and shakes her head.

SUE
Kind of ironic, huh?

WALT
What?

SUE
What the hell do you think I’m
referring to? Toad washing the
car he tried to steal from you.
WALT
It seems like justice to me. And
if he misses a spot, he’s doing it
all over.

SUE
It’s nice of you to kind of look
after him like this. He doesn’t
have any real role models in his
life.

WALT
I ain’t a role model.

SUE
You’re a good man, Wally. I wish
our dad would have been more like
you.
WALT
Don’t call me Wally.

SUE
No, I’m serious. He was hard on
us, really traditional, really old
school.

WALT
I’m old school.

SUE
Yeah, but you’re American.

WALT
What’s that supposed to mean?
Sue shrugs him off. They look at Tao for awhile.
(CONTINUED)
77.
75 CONTINUED: 75
SUE
You like him, don’t you?

WALT
Him? Don’t be crazy. He tried to
steal my car.

SUE
And you spend time with him and
you teach him how to fix things
and you saved him from that fuck
cousin of ours and...

WALT
Hey. Watch the language.

SUE
And you’re a good man.

WALT
Hand me a beer, Dragon Lady.

Sue hands him a beer and Walt pops the top.

WALT
So tell me the problem with Hmong
boys again. I’m not completely
clear.

SUE
Hmong girls slip in and out of the
culture more easily. Date who we
want, stay close to our mothers,
but are able to keep a foot on
each side of the fence. The boys
fall through the cracks.
WALT
Why?

SUE
It’s tough. The boys float
around. The fathers belong in a
totally different world and the
boys have no one to turn to. Does
that make sense?

WALT
Not sure. No.

SUE
The boys don’t ask their fathers
for advice, because over here,
their fathers no longer have the
answers.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
78.
75 CONTINUED: (2) 75
SUE (CONT'D)
Hmong boys become almost
invisible, they end up banding
together and it all goes to hell
from there.

WALT
The girls go to college and the
boys go to jail.

SUE
It’s more common than not.

Walt reflects on this for awhile, then changes the
subject.

WALT
You still going out with that
clown?

SUE
No. I dumped him. He was a dim-
wit.

Walt nods.

WALT
Good girl.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt and Tao negotiate the sale of a freezer, with Tao ultimately securing it for a lower price by offering to wash and wax Walt's car. As Tao works, Sue reflects on the challenges faced by Hmong boys in America, highlighting the cultural disconnect and lack of support. The scene ends with Walt and Sue contemplating these issues, leaving a sense of unresolved tension and potential future conflict.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Cultural exploration
  • Humor intertwined with drama
Weaknesses
  • Some stereotypical language used by Walt

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy elements, providing depth to the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of bridging cultural gaps and forming unexpected connections is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt and Tao work together, showcasing their evolving relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on cultural clashes and generational differences, presenting authentic characters and dialogue that feel original and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Sue are well-developed, with layers of complexity and growth shown in their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao show subtle changes in their attitudes towards each other.

Internal Goal: 9

Tao's internal goal is to assert his independence and prove his worth to Walt. He wants to show that he is capable of helping and being respected, despite his past mistakes.

External Goal: 8

Tao's external goal is to help Walt move the freezer and negotiate a deal for it. This reflects his willingness to assist and his practical approach to problem-solving.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Walt and Tao, but it is resolved through their interaction.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the characters' interactions and creating suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between Tao and Walt, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash of traditional values and modern expectations, especially in terms of gender roles and cultural assimilation. This challenges Tao and Walt's beliefs and understanding of each other's backgrounds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from humor to reflection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, reflecting the characters' personalities and the cultural dynamics at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the blend of humor and tension, and the cultural insights that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a dialogue-heavy scene, making it easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven sequence, effectively building tension and conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit clunky and contrived. The dialogue is not particularly natural, and the conflict between Walt and Tao feels forced. The scene seems to exist solely to move the plot forward and introduce the idea of Tao washing Walt's car, rather than organically developing the characters and their relationship.
  • The scene lacks nuance in its portrayal of Walt's character. While he is shown to be stubborn and initially dismissive of Tao's help, the scene doesn't provide much insight into his motivations or the complexities of his character. The scene could benefit from showing more of Walt's internal struggle or hinting at his underlying reasons for needing Tao's assistance.
  • The use of the term "zipper head" feels jarring and out of character for Walt. It feels like an attempt to inject conflict and tension into the scene, but it comes across as gratuitous and undermines the development of the relationship between the two characters.
  • The scene's conclusion feels abrupt. The conversation between Walt and Sue about Hmong boys is interesting and insightful, but it ends abruptly and feels unfinished. There's no clear resolution to the discussion, and the scene's ending feels rushed and disjointed.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose. It feels like a series of events rather than a cohesive narrative that builds towards a satisfying climax. The scene could benefit from a more defined conflict or central theme to give it a sense of direction and purpose.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to feel more natural and spontaneous. Allow the characters to speak in their own voices and create believable exchanges that reveal their personalities and motivations.
  • Explore Walt's inner conflict more deeply. Why is he so resistant to Tao's help? What is he trying to prove? What fears or insecurities are driving his behavior?
  • Remove the racial slur used by Walt. It is jarring and unnecessary, and it detracts from the development of the relationship between him and Tao. Instead, focus on creating conflict through more subtle and believable methods.
  • Develop the conversation between Walt and Sue further. Explore the complexities of Hmong culture and the challenges faced by Hmong boys in America. Consider adding dialogue about Walt's own experiences and how they connect with the themes of the scene.
  • Add a stronger sense of purpose and focus to the scene. What is the scene's ultimate goal? Is it to reveal Walt's changing attitude towards Tao? Is it to introduce the idea of Tao washing Walt's car? Clarify the scene's purpose and structure it accordingly.
  • Consider adding a visual element to the scene to highlight the conflict or tension between Walt and Tao. For example, a close-up of their hands gripping the freezer or a shot of Walt's clenched jaw could enhance the scene's emotional impact.



Scene 29 -  Garden Guidance
76 EXT. WALT’S GARDEN - DAY 76

Walt and Tao spread mulch around Walt’s vegetable plants.

TAO
You know, the Hmong consider
gardening to be women’s work.
WALT
Is that why I see you out in your
garden all the time? Besides,
zipper head, we ain’t in Hu-Mong.

TAO
Funny.

Walt lights a cigarette.

TAO
You should quit those. It’s bad
for you.

WALT
So is joining a gang, you dipshit.


(CONTINUED)
79.
76 CONTINUED: 76
TAO
Seriously, you should quit, I saw
you cough up blood.

WALT
So, you ever think about what you
want to do with your life?

TAO
I don’t know.

WALT
You’ve never thought about it?

TAO
Of course I have.
WALT
Well, while you’re thinking about
it, try not to stomp all over my
chives, you dipshit.

Tao looks down; sure enough, he’s standing on Walt’s
chives.

TAO
Sorry.

WALT
Put some mulch around the
cucumbers.

Tao spreads more mulch.

TAO
I was thinking about sales, maybe.
WALT
My oldest son’s a salesman. He
sells cars.

TAO
Does he do well?

WALT
License to steal. I worked in a
Ford plant for thirty years and my
son sells goddamned Japanese cars.

TAO
You made cars?




(CONTINUED)
80.
76 CONTINUED: (2) 76
WALT
That’s right. And I put the
steering column in the Gran Torino
when it rolled down the line in
1972.

TAO
Wow, that’s cool.

WALT
It is, isn’t it?

TAO
Does your son come over much?

WALT
How are you going about getting
into sales? You thinking about
school?

TAO
Kinda.

WALT
Well, you should.

TAO
School costs money.

WALT
Maybe you should get a job and
save instead of spreading mulch in
my garden.

TAO
Maybe you could just pay me.
WALT
That’s funny.

TAO
What kind of job could I get?

WALT
Good question. Who the hell would
hire you?

TAO
(deflated)
Yeah, I know.

WALT
Aw, go on. I’m kidding. You
could get a job, easy.

(CONTINUED)
81.
76 CONTINUED: (3) 76
TAO
Like what?

WALT
I’d think about construction.

TAO
Me? Construction? What, do you
have Alzheimer’s or something?

WALT
Naw, you could hack it. You just
need a little adjustment.

TAO
You said yourself I’m worthless
and I have soft little girl hands.
WALT
That’s exactly the point. I know
some guys in the trades, but you
have to get your shit together.
We have to man you up a bit.

TAO
Man me up?

WALT
Yes. And you should ask out Yum
Yum too.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt and Tao are working in Walt's garden, spreading mulch around vegetables. Walt offers advice about life choices and potential careers for Tao, suggesting construction work and encouraging him to ask out a girl named Yum Yum. The scene blends humor and warmth as Walt guides Tao through his uncertainty about his future.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Sarcastic tone may not resonate with all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with well-written dialogue that reveals character depth and conflict. The interaction between Walt and Tao is both humorous and poignant, adding layers to their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring masculinity, cultural differences, and mentorship through gardening is unique and provides a fresh perspective on character development.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Walt and Tao, showcasing their evolving relationship and the underlying tensions between them.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mentor-mentee relationship, exploring themes of masculinity, identity, and generational differences in a suburban setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Tao are well-developed and their contrasting personalities create engaging dynamics. Their growth and interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao undergo subtle changes in their attitudes and perceptions of each other, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Tao's internal goal in this scene is to figure out his future career path and gain validation from Walt. This reflects his deeper need for guidance and approval, as well as his fear of failure and uncertainty about his own abilities.

External Goal: 7

Tao's external goal is to earn money and potentially find a job in sales. This reflects the immediate challenge of financial stability and career prospects in a tough economic environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Walt and Tao, rooted in their differing perspectives and communication styles. The tension adds depth to their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between Walt and Tao creating tension and conflict. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' future actions and choices, adding depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not incredibly high in this scene, the emotional and relational dynamics between Walt and Tao add depth and significance to their interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao, setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Walt and Tao, the unexpected revelations about their pasts and motivations, and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience guessing about the characters' future actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around traditional values of hard work and masculinity, as represented by Walt, conflicting with Tao's uncertainty and self-doubt. This challenges Tao's beliefs about his own worth and capabilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to introspection, as the characters navigate their differences and similarities.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and conflicts effectively. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between Walt and Tao, the witty dialogue, and the underlying tension and emotional depth. The scene keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue, action, and reflection that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy outdoor setting, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the visual clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations. The formatting is clear and concise, enhancing the readability of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Walt and Tao effectively showcases their developing relationship, with Walt's gruffness contrasting with Tao's earnestness. However, some of Walt's comments, while intended to be humorous, risk coming off as overly harsh or insensitive, which could alienate the audience from his character. It’s essential to balance Walt's tough love with moments that reveal his underlying care for Tao.
  • The scene does a good job of incorporating humor, particularly with Walt's sarcastic remarks. However, the humor might overshadow the serious undertones regarding Tao's health and future. The juxtaposition of light-hearted banter with serious topics could be more pronounced to enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Walt's concern for Tao's health is an important element, but it could be more explicitly addressed. The transition from joking about gangs to discussing health issues feels abrupt. A smoother segue might help maintain the scene's flow and emphasize the gravity of Tao's situation.
  • The gardening setting serves as a metaphor for growth and nurturing, which is fitting for the themes of mentorship and guidance in the scene. However, the visual elements could be better utilized to reflect the characters' emotional states. For instance, close-ups of the plants or the state of the garden could parallel the characters' development.
  • The dialogue about career aspirations is a strong point, but it feels a bit rushed. Allowing more time for Tao to express his thoughts on his future could create a deeper connection with the audience and provide more insight into his character's struggles and aspirations.
Suggestions
  • Consider softening some of Walt's more abrasive comments to allow for a more nuanced portrayal of his character. This could help the audience empathize with him while still showcasing his tough exterior.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by allowing Tao to express more of his fears and uncertainties about his future. This can create a stronger emotional connection between the characters and the audience.
  • Introduce a moment where Walt reflects on his own life choices in relation to Tao's concerns about the future. This could deepen the thematic resonance of the scene and highlight the mentor-mentee dynamic.
  • Use visual storytelling to reinforce the themes of growth and care. For example, showing a close-up of a plant that needs careful attention could symbolize Tao's need for guidance and support.
  • Consider extending the dialogue about potential job opportunities, allowing Tao to explore different options and express his doubts. This could lead to a more meaningful conversation and further develop their relationship.



Scene 30 -  The Art of the Barbershop Banter
77 EXT./INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY 77

Walt and Tao walk up to the barbershop.
WALT
You have to learn how guys talk.
Now watch how me and Martin
communicate. We just throw it
back and forth. You ready?

TAO
Sure.

WALT
Okay, let’s go in.

Walt holds the door for Tao and they enter. The Barber
has his feet up reading a Playboy.

BARBER
Oh great, a Pollack and a chink.


(CONTINUED)
82.
77 CONTINUED: 77
WALT
Afternoon, Martin, you dumb
Italian prick.

BARBER
Walt, you cheap asshole, I should
have known you’d come in, I was
having such a pleasant day.

WALT
Why, did you jew some blind man
out of a few bucks, give him the
wrong change?

Walt and the Barber shake hands warmly. Tao is wide-
eyed.
BARBER
Who’s the Nip?

WALT
This is Tao. He’s a pussy kid who
lives next door and I’m trying to
man him up a little.

Walt points at Tao.

WALT
Did you see? That’s how men talk
to each other.

TAO
They do?

BARBER
What, do you have shit in your
ears?

WALT
Okay. You go out, come back in
and give it a try.

TAO
Come on, Walt.

WALT
I said go out there, come back in
and talk to the barber like a man.
Do it.

Tao shrugs, goes outside, lets the door shut then comes
back in. The Barber stands there with a sneer on his
face.


(CONTINUED)
83.
77 CONTINUED: (2) 77
TAO
Wus up, you old Italian prick?

The Barber levels a sawed-off SHOTGUN at Tao.

BARBER
Get outta my shop before I blow
your head off, you long-haired
faggy little gook!

Tao is terrified, frozen stiff.

Walt and the Barber throw their heads back and laugh.

The Barber lowers the shotgun.

WALT
Jesus Christ, Toad, you don’t walk
in and insult a guy. What are
you, an idiot?

TAO
But... but that’s what you said.
That’s what you said men say.

WALT
Not if you never met the guy. If
you say that shit to the wrong
stranger, they’ll blow your
goddamned gook head off!

Walt and the Barber laugh again.

TAO
What should I have said?
WALT
Anything but that.

BARBER
Kid, you shoulda just started with
‘Hi’ or ‘Hello.’

WALT
Right. You should have said,
‘Excuse me, I’m looking for a
haircut if you have time.’

BARBER
Yeah. Be polite, but don’t kiss
ass.

WALT
Or, even better is act like you
just got off a construction job.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
84.
77 CONTINUED: (3) 77
WALT (CONT'D)
Or bitch about your girlfriend or
getting your car fixed.

BARBER
Right. Son of a bitch, I just got
my brakes fixed and those sons a
bitches really nailed me. Screwed
me right in the ass.
WALT
Exactly. Don’t swear at the guy
you’re talking to, swear about
another guy who ain’t there. My
son of a bitch prick fucking boss
made me work overtime and he knew
I had bowling tonight.
BARBER
Or, my old lady bitches to me for
two fucking hours about how they
don’t take expired coupons at the
grocery store and the minute I
turn on the goddamned game, she
starts crying how we never talk.
WALT
See? You come back in, Toad. Be
polite and then you bring up
something you can both talk about.
It ain’t rocket science.

TAO
Yeah, but I don’t have a job or a
car or a girlfriend.

Walt and the Barber laugh.
BARBER
Sweet Jesus, I shoulda blown his
head off when I had the chance.

WALT
Just go back outside and try it
again. And don’t mention you’re a
pussy with no car, girl, job,
future or whatever. Come in and
act like a man, Toad.

Tao goes out, turns around and comes back in.

TAO
Excuse me, sir, I need a haircut,
if you ain’t too busy... you
Italian son-of-a-bitch prick
barber.
(CONTINUED)
85.
77 CONTINUED: (4) 77
Walt and the Barber laugh...

TAO
Boy does my ass hurt from all the
guys at my construction job.

Walt and the Barber laugh harder.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt, an experienced conversationalist, teaches his naive friend Tao the nuances of male communication through playful banter in a barbershop. Tao, misinterpreting the art of friendly ribbing, insults the barber, resulting in a tense situation with a shotgun. Through laughter and instruction, Walt and the barber guide Tao towards a more appropriate and successful approach to male camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character development
  • Realistic interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, humorous, and provides insight into the characters' personalities and relationships. It effectively combines humor with underlying tension and social commentary.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of male communication, social cues, and humor is well-executed in the scene, providing a unique perspective on how men interact in a barbershop setting.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Walt teaching Tao how to communicate like a man, leading to humorous misunderstandings and lessons in social etiquette.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring masculinity, communication, and mentorship through humor and banter. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt, Tao, and the Barber are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities, humor, and dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

Tao learns a lesson in social etiquette and communication from Walt, showcasing a small character change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to teach Tao how to communicate like a man and toughen him up. This reflects Walt's desire to mentor and shape Tao into a more assertive and confident individual.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to teach Tao how to interact with others in a more assertive and confident manner, specifically in a barbershop setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily humorous and revolves around misunderstandings and social awkwardness.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Barber's reaction to Tao's communication attempts creating tension and conflict. The audience is left wondering how Tao will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Walt and Tao and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters, especially the Barber's response to Tao's attempt at communication. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of masculinity, communication, and social norms. It challenges Tao's beliefs about how men should interact and communicate.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene is more focused on humor and social dynamics rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and realistic, capturing the essence of male banter and social interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the humor, and the tension created by the conflict. The audience is drawn into the scene through the characters' dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor, tension, and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit heavy-handed in its exposition of the 'manly' banter. While the intent is likely to highlight the cultural differences and Walt's attempt to teach Tao, the repetition and over-the-top nature of the dialogue feels forced and comedic, potentially undermining the serious undertones of the relationship.
  • The scene relies heavily on stereotypes, which could be problematic. The use of racial slurs and the reliance on stereotypical 'tough guy' tropes may come across as insensitive and potentially offensive to a modern audience. It's important to consider how these portrayals might be received and whether they contribute meaningfully to the story.
  • The scene's humor feels somewhat dated and relies heavily on shock value. While the use of a shotgun to emphasize the point of communication is somewhat humorous, it also feels overly theatrical and lacks a nuanced connection to the scene's overall purpose.
  • The character of the Barber seems underdeveloped and serves primarily as a device for Walt to teach Tao. The Barber's character doesn't have much depth or motivation beyond being a comedic foil, which limits the potential for a more engaging dynamic.
  • Tao's character seems to be a passive recipient of information in this scene. While he is trying to learn, his reactions are predictable and lack agency. It might be more engaging to see him actively participate in the conversation, even if it's through his own awkward attempts at mimicking Walt.
  • The scene's pacing is inconsistent. It jumps abruptly from the setup of the scene to the exaggerated banter, and then back to the lesson. This lack of smooth transitions could make the scene feel disjointed and difficult to follow.
  • The scene doesn't fully explore the implications of the underlying conflict. Walt is trying to 'man up' Tao, but the reasons for this are only hinted at. What are the potential consequences of Tao conforming to Walt's version of masculinity?
  • The scene doesn't effectively integrate the visual elements with the dialogue. While there are a few visual details mentioned, such as the shotgun and the Barber's feet up, these elements are not fully utilized to create a more engaging visual experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to be more subtle and nuanced. Instead of relying on blatant stereotypes and overly exaggerated language, explore the characters' interactions through more subtle and realistic dialogue. Focus on the nuances of their conversation, including the ways they misunderstand each other.
  • Explore the Barber's character beyond a comedic foil. Give him a backstory or a personal conflict that connects to the larger themes of the script. What is his relationship with Walt? Why does he tolerate Walt's insults? How does he perceive Tao?
  • Give Tao more agency in the scene. Allow him to take ownership of his learning process. Instead of just mimicking Walt, allow him to make his own mistakes and learn from them. Perhaps he misinterprets Walt's instructions or tries to apply them in the wrong way.
  • Explore the scene's setting in greater detail. Use the environment to create a more vivid and engaging atmosphere. What does the barbershop look like? What is the mood inside? How does the setting contribute to the scene's tone and themes?
  • Consider the scene's broader context within the script. How does this scene contribute to the overall plot and character development? What is the scene's purpose in moving the story forward? What does the scene reveal about the characters' relationships?
  • Focus on building a more complex and nuanced relationship between Walt and Tao. Explore their differences in perspective and experience. What does Walt want to teach Tao? What does Tao really want to learn?
  • Consider how the scene can contribute to a deeper exploration of the themes of masculinity, cultural identity, and generational conflict. The scene has the potential to be more impactful if it delves into these complex issues with more depth and sensitivity.



Scene 31 -  A Job Secured
78 INT. WALT’S OLD PICKUP TRUCK - MORNING 78

WALT
If you do this, you’re going to
follow through, right?

TAO
Yeah, yeah.
WALT
No, not yeah, yeah. Yes, as in
yes, sir, I’ll do my best.
TAO
Yes, I’ll do my best.

WALT
You better, because when I vouch
for someone, it’s my word and I
don’t want anyone making me look
bad.

TAO
No, I’m good. I’m totally into
this.

WALT
And don’t lay down to people all
the time. Always look a person in
the eye. When you shake a man’s
hand, you can usually tell where
you stand with him.

Walt hands a pair of beat-up WORK GLOVES to Tao.

WALT
Here, stuff these in your back
pocket.

TAO
Cool.

WALT
Just don’t blow this.


(CONTINUED)
86.
78 CONTINUED: 78
Walt and Tao walk up to the Superintendent’s Office
Trailer on a construction job site.


79 INT. JOB TRAILER - SAME TIME 79

Walt and Tao come in. Walt shakes hands with TIM
KENNEDY, the job super.

WALT
Kennedy, you drunken Irish goon,
how the hell are ya?

KENNEDY
Shitty, but who’s gonna listen?

WALT
Not me.

Walt pours himself a cup of the bad job-site coffee.

KENNEDY
Help yourself, Walt, you dumb
Pollack.

WALT
I already did. This is the kid I
told you about. Tao, this is Tim
Kennedy, he’s the super on the
job.

Kennedy looks Tao up and down. Tao looks him in the eye.

KENNEDY
What do we got, Walt?
WALT
He’s done construction here and
there. Whatever you need, he’ll
pick it up quick.

KENNEDY
You sure?

WALT
Sure.

KENNEDY
You speak English?

TAO
Yes, sir.

KENNEDY
You born here?
(CONTINUED)
87.
79 CONTINUED: 79
TAO
You bet.

KENNEDY
You got a vehicle? I see Walt
drove you here.

TAO
Not at the moment. I’m taking the
bus for now.

KENNEDY
The bus? Jesus Christ, you don’t
have a car?

TAO
My headgasket cracked and the
goddamned prick at the shop wants
to bend me over for $2100.

KENNEDY
I just replaced the tranny in my
Tahoe and the sons a bitches
fucked me hard, just under $3200.

TAO
Goddamned thieves. It ain’t
right.

KENNEDY
You got that right. Come on in on
Monday and we’ll find something
for you to do.

Tao puts out his hand to shake.
TAO
Thanks, Mr. Kennedy.

Tim Kennedy shakes Tao’s hand.

KENNEDY
It’s Tim. What’s your name again?

TAO
Tao.

KENNEDY
Okay. You owe me one, Walt.

WALT
I’ll send you a fucking fruitcake
at Christmas.


(CONTINUED)
88.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
KENNEDY
Fuck the fruitcake, why don’t you
hand over the keys to that Gran
Torino.

WALT
Yeah, everybody seems to want that
car.

KENNEDY
I bet.

WALT
You don’t know the half of it.
Come on, zipper head, let’s let
this big Mick get back to screwing
off.
Walt and Tao exit and walk back to the truck.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt brings Tao to meet Tim Kennedy, the job superintendent, to secure him a job at the construction site. Kennedy is initially skeptical of Tao's abilities but is eventually convinced by Walt's vouching for him. Kennedy offers Tao work starting on Monday, ending the scene with a positive and hopeful tone.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
  • Cultural exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively showcases the evolving relationship between Walt and Tao, introducing a new setting and conflict while maintaining a balance between drama and humor.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of mentorship and cultural exchange is well-executed, providing insight into the characters' backgrounds and motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tao secures a job with Walt's recommendation, setting up potential conflicts and character development in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on blue-collar work environments and explores themes of trust, integrity, and financial struggles in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable, adding to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Walt and Tao are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations, leading to engaging interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

Both Walt and Tao undergo subtle changes in their perceptions of each other, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself to Walt and the job super, Kennedy, by showing his willingness to work hard and learn quickly. This reflects his desire for validation and acceptance in a new environment.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a job at the construction site, despite not having a vehicle. This reflects his immediate challenge of finding employment and overcoming financial obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily revolving around communication barriers and cultural differences between Walt and Tao.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate these challenges and overcome obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

While there are stakes involved in Tao securing a job and building trust with Walt, the overall tension is moderate in this scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new setting, conflict, and character dynamics that will likely impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting power dynamics and conflicting viewpoints, adding depth to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' views on work ethic and integrity. Walt emphasizes the importance of hard work and honesty, while Kennedy and Tao discuss the unfairness of being taken advantage of by mechanics. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust and fairness in the workplace.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are emotional moments, such as Walt vouching for Tao, the scene focuses more on establishing the mentorship dynamic than evoking strong emotions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and engaging, effectively conveying the characters' personalities and the cultural differences between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic dialogue, realistic character interactions, and relatable themes. The conflict and goals of the protagonist create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and intrigue through dynamic dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character introductions and setting establishment, effectively setting up the conflict and goals of the protagonist. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and somewhat contrived. The dialogue feels forced and lacks the natural flow of conversation.
  • The use of derogatory language, while perhaps intended to showcase Walt's character, feels unnecessary and could be offensive to some readers.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective beyond getting Tao a job. There's no real conflict or dramatic tension, making it feel somewhat uneventful.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual details and descriptions. It's mainly driven by dialogue, which can make it feel somewhat static.
  • The abrupt ending feels unsatisfying. It would be more impactful if the scene ended with a hint of future conflict or a sense of uncertainty about Tao's future.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to the scene to create a richer and more immersive experience for the reader. What's the weather like? What are the sounds on the construction site? How does the trailer look?
  • Explore the motivations of both Walt and Tao in this scene. Why is Walt so invested in helping Tao? What are Tao's hopes and fears about this new job?
  • Develop the dynamic between Walt and Kennedy. Their interactions seem too superficial. Make their relationship more nuanced and interesting.
  • Consider adding a scene where Tao gets his first day on the construction site. Show us his initial struggles and anxieties, then have him overcome them with Walt's guidance.
  • Focus on the character development of Tao. Show us how he's feeling about this new opportunity. Is he excited or nervous? Show us his inner struggle and his growth.
  • Rethink the use of derogatory language. While it might be intended to showcase Walt's character, it could be replaced with more subtle language that conveys the same message without being offensive.



Scene 32 -  A Gift of Tools, A Cruel Reminder
80 INT. TRUCK - DRIVING - SAME MORNING 80

Walt pulls into a Home Depot parking lot.

TAO
What are we doing?

WALT
What are you gonna put all your
tools in, an empty rice bag?


81 INT. HOME DEPOT 81

Walt and Tao walk the aisles. Walt grabs a tool belt and
tosses it to Tao.

WALT
You’ll need this.

Walt then tosses Tao a utility knife holder.

WALT
And you’ll need that. Now where
the hell do they hide the hardware
holders?

TAO
I can’t afford any of this.

WALT
I’ll get it, but you’re paying me
back with your first check.

(CONTINUED)
89.
81 CONTINUED: 81
TAO
Cool.

Walt pitches a hardware pouch at Tao.

WALT
And you need this too. That
should about do it.

TAO
Not to bitch, but won’t I be
needing some tools?

WALT
Tools I got, but I ain’t loaning
you my tool belt. You can buy
tools as you go.
TAO
I appreciate all this.

WALT
Aw, forget it.

TAO
No, I really do. Thank you.

Walt sticks out his jaw and looks Tao straight in the
eye. Tao doesn’t know what to expect.

A PAUSE. Walt puts out his HAND to Tao. Tao extends his
and they SHAKE HANDS.

It’s really quite a moment for both of them.

82 EXT. BUS STOP - AFTERNOON 82

Tao gets off the bus, his tool belt over his shoulder.
Tao looks tired after working, but content. He walks
past an abandoned lot.

The tricked-out Honda pulls up and stops. Smokie, Spider
and company get out. Tao looks nervous, but remains
calm.

TAO
What now?

SPIDER
Just seeing what you’re up to,
cuz.



(CONTINUED)
90.
82 CONTINUED: 82
TAO
I’m getting home from work, not
that you guys would know much
about that.

SPIDER
So it’s true? You got a job.

TAO
Come on, what do you guys want
with me?

SMOKIE
Jesus Christ, Tao. What do you
think? I’ve been sooooo easy on
you, but I can’t just go on like
nothing happened.
TAO
You can’t just leave me alone?

SMOKIE
Afraid not.

The gangbangers grab Tao. Tao kicks and struggles as
they yank away his tool belt.

TAO
Keep your hands off my stuff.

SMOKIE
Your stuff? You and everything
you have is mine. I own you.

Smokie pulls the tape measure off the belt and smashes it
against the pavement. Whatever tools Smokie can’t
destroy, he tosses onto the roof of the closest building.

SMOKIE
You can’t just walk away from us,
Tao. It looks bad. It makes me
look bad.

Smokie lights a CIGARETTE and exhales...

SMOKIE
What’s the phrase I’m looking for?
Oh yeah, I need to ‘save face.’

Smokie grabs Tao by the neck and presses the lit
CIGARETTE into Tao’s cheek.

Tao screams as his flesh burns.
91.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt, wanting to help Tao succeed, buys him tools at Home Depot, giving Tao a sense of hope. However, this hope is brutally shattered when Smokie and his gang confront Tao on his way home from work, stealing his new tools, destroying them, and ultimately burning Tao's cheek. This act of violence leaves Tao in pain and fear, highlighting the harsh reality of his situation.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective dialogue
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of gang members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, humor, and tension to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of mentorship, cultural exchange, and redemption is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and their interactions.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Walt takes on the role of mentor for Tao, leading to a significant turning point in their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its authentic portrayal of working-class struggles, complex character relationships, and intense emotional conflicts. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and true to life, adding depth and authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walt and Tao are well-developed, with Walt's gruff exterior contrasting with his underlying care for Tao, and Tao's vulnerability and growth throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Both Walt and Tao undergo significant character development, with Walt becoming a mentor figure and Tao finding guidance and support.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his worth and independence, as seen in his desire to work and provide for himself. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and self-respect.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure tools and equipment for his job, reflecting the immediate challenge of starting a new job and earning a living.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Tao and the gang members, as well as the internal conflict within Tao, adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the gangbangers posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals and safety. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Tao as he navigates his gang involvement and seeks a better path with Walt's guidance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the intense emotional conflicts, and the high stakes for the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between self-reliance and dependence, as seen in the protagonist's struggle to assert his independence against the gangbangers' control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits empathy for Tao's struggles and showcases the emotional growth and connection between Walt and Tao.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the evolving dynamics between Walt and Tao, as well as the tension with the gang members.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, realistic character interactions, and high stakes. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, emotional impact, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed. The dialogue is functional, but it doesn't move the scene forward or reveal anything particularly interesting about the characters.
  • The Home Depot scene feels like an information dump. It's clear that Walt is buying Tao tools to help him get started at his new job, but the scene lacks any emotional weight or conflict. The exchange feels transactional rather than organic.
  • The scene with Smokie and the gang feels repetitive. We've already seen Tao be threatened and attacked in previous scenes, so the scene doesn't add anything new to the story. It also feels like the writer is trying too hard to make Smokie a villain by having him destroy Tao's tools and burn him with a cigarette. The scene could be more effective if it focused on the emotional impact of the attack on Tao rather than the physical violence.
  • The scene ends abruptly. We don't see Tao's reaction to the attack, or Walt's reaction when he finds out what happened. The scene doesn't do enough to build tension for the next scene.
  • The scene could be more effective if it focused on the emotional impact of the attack on Tao rather than the physical violence.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the Home Depot scene. It's not essential to the plot and can be summarized in a few lines of dialogue in the next scene. This would also save time and make the story more focused.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the attack on Tao. How does he feel? How does he react? What does this incident tell us about his relationship with the gang?
  • Show Walt's reaction to the attack. This is a pivotal moment in the story, and Walt's response will reveal a lot about his character.
  • Consider adding some visual details to the scene. How does the abandoned lot look? What kind of car does Smokie drive? What is the body language of the gang members? These details can add to the tension and suspense of the scene.
  • Instead of having Smokie destroy all of Tao's tools, consider having him take something specific - a tool that represents Tao's new job or his ambition. This will make the attack more personal and symbolic.



Scene 33 -  Protection and Defiance
83 EXT. WALT’S ALLEY - MORNING 83

Walt spots Tao as he takes out the trash.

WALT
Hey there.

Tao looks to the ground and heads in the other direction.

TAO
Hey, I gotta run.

WALT
Wait a minute. Where have you
been, I haven’t seen you in days?

TAO
Busy.

Walt squints at Tao. He steps closer. Tao looks away.

Walt tilts Tao’s head up, he sees the burn.

WALT
What in the hell happened to you?

TAO
Don’t worry about it.

WALT
Don’t worry about it? Look at
your goddamned face!

TAO
I said don’t worry about it. It’s
not your problem.
Walt looks at the ground and spits.

WALT
When?

TAO
Couple days ago. Grabbed me after
I got off the bus coming home from
work.

WALT
Cowards.

TAO
I did everything I could possibly
do. They broke some of your
tools. I’ll replace them.

(CONTINUED)
92.
83 CONTINUED: 83
WALT
Forget the tools. Where does your
cousin live?

TAO
No, Walt, I can manage. I don’t
want you doing anything.

Walt is angry, but eventually nods at Tao.

WALT
Alright. You need any other tools
for work?

TAO
I could use a roofing hammer.
WALT
Go in the garage and get whatever
you need.


84 INT. TAO’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 84

Tao leans over his desk with a black Sharpie marker. He
carefully writes “Tao Vang Lor” in black ink on the face
of his smashed-up tape measure. He puts it back into the
tool belt and grabs another tool to label.


85 INT./EXT. WALT’S TRUCK - NIGHT 85

Walt sits in the dark, the only light is from the radio
tuned to baseball. Daisy lies in the front seat. Next
to Daisy is the M1 RIFLE.
Walt watches as Spider and another Hmong gangbanger step
out of the rundown duplex, get in their Honda and drive
off.

WALT
That’s the last of them.

Walt pulls out his Colt .45 automatic and chambers a
round.


86 EXT. DUPLEX - SAME TIME 86

Walt pounds loudly on the door. A moment later the door
starts to swing open and a voice is heard...

SMOKIE (O.S.)
What the hell did...

(CONTINUED)
93.
86 CONTINUED: 86
Walt kicks open the door and grabs Smokie by the collar.

Walt drags the 105 pound Smokie out of his house and
tosses him off the front porch onto the front sidewalk.

Smokie is stunned. Walt kicks him hard in the ribs.

SMOKIE
How the fuck did you get here?!

WALT
You aren’t that hard to track
down.

Walt boots him again. Smokie curls up in the fetal
position.
SMOKIE
What do you want?

Walt kicks him a second time.

WALT
I came to give you a chance.

SOMETHING comes out of the shadows under the porch.

Walt swings the barrel of the big Colt .45 at the
movement.

It’s a cat. Walt puts his pistol away. Smokie exhales.

WALT
It’s just you and me. Nobody
knows or has to know I was here.
You lay off Tao. Tell your guys
he ain’t worth it or whatever the
hell you want. You don’t talk to
him, you don’t go near him. This
is your one chance. You lay off
and no one will ever be the wiser.

Smokie says nothing.

WALT
I’ll take that as a yes. I don’t
want to come back here. But if I
do, believe me, it’ll be goddamned
ugly.

Walt kicks Smokie again and stalks off into the dark.
94.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary Walt discovers Tao with a burn on his face, a result of a gang attack. Despite Tao's refusal for help, Walt seeks out the gang leader, Smokie, and threatens him. While Smokie remains silent, Walt assumes his threat was understood, leaving the audience unsure if Smokie will truly leave Tao alone.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence
  • Limited resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with strong character development and conflict. The intense confrontation and protective nature of Walt make it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, justice, and protection is effectively portrayed through Walt's actions towards Smokie to defend Tao.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Walt takes action to protect Tao from Smokie, adding tension and drama to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of loyalty and justice, with unique character interactions and a tense atmosphere. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt and Tao, are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Walt's protective nature and willingness to confront Smokie show a shift in his character, highlighting his loyalty and sense of justice.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his friend Tao and seek justice for the harm done to him. This reflects his deeper need for loyalty and justice, as well as his fear of losing those close to him.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to confront the gang members who harmed Tao and intimidate them into leaving him alone. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the threat to his friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Smokie, driven by the desire to protect Tao, creates a high-stakes and intense situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing off against the gang members in a tense confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident as Walt confronts Smokie to protect Tao, risking potential retaliation and escalating the tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Walt and Smokie, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the tense atmosphere.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the gang members' violent retaliation. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the effectiveness of violence as a solution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the protective actions of Walt towards Tao, adding depth to the character relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a promising premise: Walt discovering Tao's injury and wanting to help. However, the dialogue feels stilted and lacks the natural flow of conversation. The repeated use of phrases like "Don't worry about it" and "I said don't worry about it" feels repetitive and forced.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed. Walt jumps from concern to anger to understanding too quickly. The dialogue lacks the nuance and tension that would build the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The scene lacks visual details and sensory information. It focuses too heavily on dialogue and lacks descriptions that would immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere.
  • While the scene introduces the conflict between Walt and Smokie's gang, the confrontation feels underdeveloped and lacks a sense of danger or suspense. Walt's actions are not adequately motivated, and his sudden shift from anger to a threatening tone feels abrupt and jarring.
  • The ending of the scene is unsatisfying. Smokie's silence and Walt's assumption of agreement feel unconvincing. A more concrete resolution, even if it's just a tense standoff, would be more impactful.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While the scene starts with a sense of concern, it doesn't develop into a compelling emotional journey for Walt or Tao. It ultimately feels more like a functional scene that sets up the next conflict.
Suggestions
  • Rework the dialogue to be more natural and engaging. Add more pauses, hesitations, and internal monologues to show the characters' inner thoughts and reactions.
  • Slow down the pacing. Allow the characters' emotions to develop more organically. Give Walt more time to process his anger and concern before offering help.
  • Add sensory details and visual descriptions. Describe the alleyway, the smell of trash, the sound of the bus in the distance, the look on Tao's face. Immerse the reader in the scene.
  • Enhance the tension and suspense in the confrontation with Smokie. Describe the physical environment, the body language of the characters, and the sound of Walt's footsteps. Build the threat and uncertainty of the encounter.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict. Perhaps Smokie offers a defiant response, or Walt makes a specific threat that leaves the reader in suspense about the consequences.
  • Develop a clear emotional arc for the scene. Show Walt's concern for Tao, his anger at the gang, and his eventual decision to intervene. Show Tao's struggle to cope with the attack and his need for support.



Scene 34 -  A Day of Laughter and Trust
87 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE - SAME EVENING 87

Walt pulls up his driveway and parks. Daisy jumps out
and Walt carries his rifle into the house. Walt walks
stiffly.

Walt gets to the door and drops his keys. When he bends
down to pick them up, you can really tell he’s sore and
hurting.

Walt groans as he goes inside. He’s feeling his age.


88 EXT. WALT’S BACKYARD - DAY 88

Vu, Sue, Tao and Wa Xam all sit in lawn chairs, talking
and laughing. Walt flips the inch-thick STEAKS on his
Weber.

WALT
How do you want your dog... I mean
steaks cooked? Medium, medium
well?

TAO
Funny.

Walt pops open a beer and grabs an appetizer that Vu
made.

WALT
Is this Hmoog or Laab?

SUE
Laab.
WALT
Isn’t it usually a little spicier?

Tao, Wa Xam and Sue laugh.

SUE
Oh whatever, Wally.

WALT
It does. Usually it’s got more
zing.
SUE
Jesus Christ, look at you. I’ve
never seen you like this.

WALT
What?

(CONTINUED)
95.
88 CONTINUED: 88
SUE
Look at you smile, old man.
Kicking back, having a good old
time. You’re sure pleased with
yourself today.

TAO
And it’s a little unnerving if you
ask me.

WALT
Aw, go on.

SUE
No, admit it. You are. You’re
feeling pretty good, aren’t you?
WALT
Well, who wouldn’t? I’m
surrounded by beautiful women,
it’s a beautiful day. Great food,
good friends. Hell, even Toad
isn’t driving me nuts for once.

TAO
It never ends.

WALT
I’m just kidding. Let me tell you
something, Yum-Yum. If Tao
doesn’t ask you out soon, I will.

SUE
Don’t listen to him, Wa Xam. He’s
a white devil.
WA XAM
(laughs)
I’d love to, Walt, but he beat you
to it.

WALT
I’ll be damned. Movie? Dinner?

Wa Xam and Tao nod. They’re a bit embarrassed.

SUE
Yeah, they’re taking the bus.

WALT
The bus?! That’s no good. A
charming young lady like this
deserves to go in style.


(CONTINUED)
96.
88 CONTINUED: (2) 88
TAO
Like what? Take a limo?

Walt nods towards the GRAN TORINO.

TAO
The Gran Torino? You’d let me
drive it?

WALT
Sure. Why not.

TAO
Really?

Walt smiles.
WALT
Really.

They shake hands.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Walt returns home injured but in high spirits, hosting a barbecue with friends. He enjoys their company and makes lighthearted jokes, despite his friends' suspicions about his recent adventures. Walt's generosity, symbolized by letting Tao drive his prized Gran Torino, signifies a newfound trust and camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Low stakes
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and emotionally resonant. It effectively showcases character development and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cultural exchange, mentorship, and personal growth is well-executed in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through Walt's interactions with Tao and the Hmong community, leading to meaningful moments and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of aging and friendship, presenting authentic characters and dialogue that feel true to life. The interactions between the characters are unique and engaging, adding depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Walt's transformation and Tao's growth being central to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Walt and Tao undergo significant changes in the scene, with Walt becoming more open and caring, and Tao learning valuable lessons from Walt.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel young and vibrant again, as evidenced by his interactions with the younger characters and his playful banter. This reflects his deeper desire to recapture his youth and vitality.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to enjoy a relaxing evening with friends and family, showcasing his ability to connect with others and find joy in simple pleasures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is mild conflict in the scene, mainly in the form of Walt's interactions with Tao and the gang members.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding tension and conflict to the characters' interactions without overshadowing the overall tone of the scene. The audience is left wondering how the characters' relationships will evolve.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Walt and Tao, as well as showcasing Walt's integration into the Hmong community.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience on their toes and unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle with aging and finding fulfillment in his current stage of life. This challenges his beliefs about youth and vitality, forcing him to confront his own mortality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including humor, warmth, and reflection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and emotional depth. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and engaging, drawing the audience into the story and creating a sense of connection.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor, drama, and reflection, creating a dynamic and engaging narrative flow that keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character interactions are well-crafted, enhancing the overall readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Critique
  • This scene is a significant turning point in the story, showcasing Walt's transformation and the developing bond between him and Tao. However, it lacks the dramatic tension and emotional depth that would make it truly impactful.
  • The dialogue feels forced and contrived. The banter between Walt and Tao feels overly familiar for characters who have just recently begun to develop a connection. It lacks authenticity and doesn't reflect the complexities of their relationship.
  • Walt's sudden shift from aggression and hostility towards Tao to a jovial, playful attitude feels jarring and lacks a clear explanation. The audience needs a more gradual and believable transition to fully understand the change in Walt's behavior.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition, rather than showing the characters' motivations and feelings through action. For example, Sue's observation about Walt's newfound happiness feels like a clunky way to highlight his change, rather than letting the audience witness it through his actions.
  • The inclusion of Wa Xam and her interaction with Tao feels underdeveloped. Her presence seems more like a plot device to further Walt's transformation than a fully realized character with her own motivations and desires.
  • The climax of the scene, where Walt allows Tao to drive the Gran Torino, feels somewhat unearned. The audience needs to see more evidence of Walt's genuine affection and respect for Tao before this moment feels like a significant gesture.
Suggestions
  • Instead of focusing on forced banter, explore the unspoken tension between Walt and Tao. Let their interactions be filled with subtle gestures, glances, and pauses that communicate their growing understanding of each other.
  • Emphasize the emotional complexity of Walt's transformation. Show him grappling with his changing feelings, rather than simply declaring them. Perhaps he reflects on his actions with Smokie or struggles to reconcile his past prejudices with his new feelings.
  • Develop Wa Xam's character beyond her role as a love interest for Tao. Give her her own voice and motivations. Explore her relationship with Sue and her own experiences within the Hmong community.
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of stating that Walt is enjoying himself, let the audience see his happiness through his relaxed posture, his genuine smile, and his willingness to engage with the others.
  • Build up to the climax of Walt letting Tao drive the Gran Torino. Show Walt gradually warming up to Tao, perhaps by offering him small acts of kindness or by sharing his own experiences with him. This will make the gesture of letting him drive the car feel more meaningful and earned.
  • Consider adding a subplot to further develop the conflict between Tao and Smokie. This will provide the audience with more context for their interactions and raise the stakes for their future encounters.



Scene 35 -  Drive-By Shooting
89 INT. WALT’S LIVING ROOM - EVENING 89

Walt watches baseball. He hears a car outside. Shouts
are heard and glass breaks.

Walt gets up and looks out the shades...

TAO’S HOUSE is raked with GUNFIRE coming from a VAN!
Windows shatter and the siding splinters.

FIFTY BULLETS shake the house before the VAN peels off.

90 EXT. TAO’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 90

Walt is up their front steps and in the house in seconds.
Walt goes from room to room, from Vu to Phong finally to
Tao -- making sure no one’s been hit.

WALT
Is everyone okay? Is anyone hit?
Sue? Vu? Tao, where’s Tao?

Tao sits up from behind the couch. Blood pours down his
neck. He’s stunned.

WALT
Oh no.

Walt lays Tao down and rips open the collar of his shirt.
Walt probes around Tao’s neck.

(CONTINUED)
97.
90 CONTINUED: 90
TAO
What... what is it?

WALT
Hang on... you’re just cut, is
all.

TAO
Is everybody else okay?

WALT
Yeah.

Walt looks around at the BULLET HOLES in the walls. Tao
follows his gaze.

TAO
It’s a miracle no one was killed.

WALT
They aimed high.

Sure enough -- most of the bullet holes are above head
level on the walls.

WALT
Where’s Sue?

TAO
She went to our aunt’s.

WALT
Call her.

TAO
What?
WALT
I said call her. Get the
goddamned phone and call and see
if she’s there.

Tao scrambles for the phone and dials.

Tao speaks Hmong to whomever answered. Tao starts to
speak faster. He looks at Walt and shakes his head “no.”

For once -- Vu and Phong understand what Walt was talking
about. There is anguish on every face in the room.

CUT TO:
98.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Walt hears gunshots outside and rushes to Tao's house, finding bullet holes in the walls. Tao is injured but alive. The scene is tense as they ensure everyone is safe, including Sue who is not with Tao's aunt. The relief of everyone being alive is tempered by the shock of the attack.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Compelling conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character development for secondary characters
  • Limited exploration of the attackers' motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively blending drama and action elements to create a gripping narrative. The intense emotions and high stakes keep the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a violent attack on Tao's house is compelling and adds depth to the storyline. It raises the stakes and showcases the characters' vulnerabilities.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with the attack on Tao's house serving as a pivotal moment that propels the story forward. It adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of family protection in the midst of violence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their cultural background.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the attack reveal their depth and emotional complexity. Walt's protective instincts and Tao's vulnerability are highlighted, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Tao, undergo a significant change as they confront the aftermath of the attack. Tao's vulnerability and fear are palpable, showcasing his growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to ensure the safety of his family members and protect them from harm. This reflects his deeper need for security and connection with his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find out if his family members are safe and contact them for reassurance. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a violent attack on their home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with the violent attack on Tao's house creating a sense of danger and urgency. The characters are faced with a life-threatening situation, raising the stakes significantly.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation that tests their courage and resilience. The audience is kept on edge as they wait to see how the characters will overcome the danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation. The attack on Tao's house adds a sense of danger and urgency, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and challenges.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and unexpected violence that disrupts the characters' normal routine, creating tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the juxtaposition of violence and family bonds. The characters must navigate the threat of external danger while maintaining their internal values of love and protection for each other.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience. The characters' vulnerability and the sense of danger heighten the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the traumatic event. It enhances the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and the audience's investment in the characters' safety and well-being.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of danger and resolution. The rhythm of the action enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the pacing and impact of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and logical progression, building tension and suspense effectively. It adheres to the expected structure for a dramatic moment in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a jarring transition from the previous scene, which ended on a positive note with Walt helping Tao get a job. The sudden shift to gunfire and violence feels abrupt and disrupts the flow of the story.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition and narration. The dialogue feels clunky and unnatural, with Walt explaining obvious things like 'They aimed high.'
  • The scene lacks emotional depth. The characters' reactions to the shooting feel surface-level and the dialogue doesn't reveal their true feelings.
  • The scene's pacing is too fast. The action happens too quickly, making it difficult for the reader to fully absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The scene's resolution is anticlimactic. The revelation that Sue is not with Tao's aunt feels like a plot device rather than a natural consequence of the events.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot significantly. It primarily serves to introduce a new conflict, but doesn't provide any new insights or character development.
  • The scene feels repetitive. The repeated emphasis on checking for injuries and the bullet holes above head level feels redundant and slows down the pacing.
  • The scene relies on cliches. The use of phrases like 'It's a miracle no one was killed' and 'They aimed high' feels generic and predictable.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more gradual build-up of tension. Perhaps introduce a sense of unease before the shooting occurs, hinting at the danger that surrounds Tao.
  • Use subtext and action to convey emotions rather than relying on direct dialogue. Let the characters' reactions and body language speak volumes about their fear and anxiety.
  • Slow down the pacing and allow the reader to feel the impact of the shooting. Use imagery and sensory details to create a more immersive experience.
  • Focus on developing the characters' relationships. Show how Walt's concern for Tao is evolving beyond a simple act of kindness. Show how Tao's fear and vulnerability are affecting his behavior.
  • Explore the consequences of the shooting. What will happen to Tao now that he is injured? How will this event affect his future? Will this shooting make him more vulnerable to Smokie and his gang?
  • End the scene on a note of suspense. Leave the reader wanting to know what will happen next. Will Walt and Tao be able to protect Sue from further attacks? What is the extent of Tao's injuries?
  • Avoid cliche phrases and find more unique ways to describe the scene. Use vivid language to paint a picture in the reader's mind.
  • Consider adding a scene from Sue's perspective to provide a different point of view on the events. This will give the reader a deeper understanding of the characters' motivations and emotions.



Scene 36 -  Walt's Tears
91 INT. TAO’S HOUSE - LATER 91

Walt sits across from Tao, drinking rice liquor. Walt
speaks loudly, without any consideration for Phong who
shoots him dirty looks.

WALT
This is exactly what I didn’t
want. Damn gooks. Why the hell
am I even here?

TAO
Maybe one of her friends called
and she just changed plans.

Walt sips the rice liquor. Walt now speaks quietly to
Tao.
WALT
In Korea I learned not to care.
The best friends of my life are
still missing somewhere in Korea.
You harden yourself. Don’t let
anything get to you.

Phong looks out the window and screams. She runs over
and swings open the door.

Everyone expects the worst...

And it comes like a cold wind -- SUE WALKS IN LIKE A
ZOMBIE. She has been brutally beaten. Her clothes are
dirty and torn.

BLOOD runs down SUE’S legs from under her shirt.
Walt looks at her and the glass falls from his hand.

Sue staggers into Vu’s arms. Vu weeps. Sue hugs her
mother and sobs.

Tao reaches to hug his sister, but Phong screeches at
him, pointing at Walt and back to Tao.

Walt is destroyed. He steps outside into the dark.


92 EXT./INT. WALT’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 92

Walt staggers across the yard to his house.

WALT
No, no, no, no, no.


(CONTINUED)
99.
92 CONTINUED: 92
Walt bursts in the door, throws himself in an easy chair
and CRIES. He tries to stop and cries harder.

It’s the first time Walt has cried in fifty years. He
wails, crying for Tao, Sue, his wife, kids and himself.

He lets it all out. Daisy jumps in his lap and he hugs
his old dog as he bawls.

CUT TO:


93 INT. WALT’S LIVING ROOM - LATER 93

Walt sits, red-eyed. He’s done crying. Family photo
albums are scattered around.
Father Janovich knocks and eases open the front door.

FATHER JANOVICH
Mr. Kowalski, are you in here?

WALT
Come on in.

Father Janovich comes in and sits down across from Walt.

FATHER JANOVICH
Are you okay?

Walt nods.

FATHER JANOVICH
The police finally left. No one
is talking. One thing about the
Hmong, they keep their mouths
shut.

WALT
I’ve noticed that.

Father Janovich picks up a photo album and flips through
it. Pictures of Mitch and Steve as babies.

WALT
You know, there’s no way that Tao
or Sue are gonna have any peace if
these gang guys don’t go away. Go
away forever. You know it as well
as I do.

FATHER JANOVICH
What are you saying?


(CONTINUED)
100.
93 CONTINUED: 93
WALT
You heard what I said.

FATHER JANOVICH
They took Sue to the hospital.
She’s scared. They’re all scared.

WALT
I’m not.

FATHER JANOVICH
I know that. Believe me, they all
know that. Tao especially. He’s
sitting out there staring at your
front door. You know what he
expects, Mr. Kowalski.
WALT
Yeah, well what would you do if
you were me? If you were Tao?
What would you do?

Father Janovich shakes his head.

FATHER JANOVICH
I know what I’d do if I was you,
or at least what you think you
should do. If I was Tao I guess
I’d want vengeance. I’d want to
stand shoulder to shoulder with
you and kill those guys.

WALT
And you?

FATHER JANOVICH
What would I do? I’d come over
here and talk to you I guess. I
know you’re close with these
people, but this pisses me off
too, Mr. Kowalski.

Walt nods.

WALT
Wanna beer?

FATHER JANOVICH
I’d love one.

WALT
They’re in the cooler, grab me one
too.


(CONTINUED)
101.
93 CONTINUED: (2) 93
Father Janovich grabs four beers, two for each of them.
He opens a Pabst and takes a big swig.

FATHER JANOVICH
Damn all this. It just isn’t
fair.

WALT
Nothing’s fair, Father.

Father Janovich and Walt sit for awhile.

FATHER JANOVICH
So, what are you going to do, Mr.
Kowalski?

WALT
Call me Walt.

Father Janovich nods.

FATHER JANOVICH
Alright, what are you going to do,
Walt?

WALT
Not sure yet. All I do know is
they don’t have a goddamned
chance.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary After witnessing Sue's brutal attack, Walt is deeply shaken and cries for the first time in fifty years. Seeking solace, he visits Father Janovich, expressing his determination to protect Tao and Sue from the gang responsible. The scene ends with Walt vowing to seek retribution for the harm inflicted on his friends, highlighting the growing conflict and sense of impending violence.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, well-written, and sets up a compelling conflict resolution. The dialogue is impactful, and the character dynamics are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of dealing with the aftermath of violence and seeking justice is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the characters grapple with the consequences of the violent incident. It sets the stage for potential confrontations and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh approaches to themes of loss, trauma, and justice, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are deeply affected by the events, showcasing vulnerability, strength, and complex emotions. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially Walt who breaks down and shows vulnerability for the first time in years. Sue and Tao also experience profound shifts in their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 9

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past traumas and emotions, particularly his feelings of loss and guilt. This reflects his deeper needs for closure and healing.

External Goal: 8

Walt's external goal is to protect and seek justice for Tao and Sue, who have been victims of violence. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is intense, both internally within the characters and externally with the gang members. The stakes are high, leading to a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional conflicts that create obstacles for the characters and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters face the aftermath of a violent attack, seeking justice and safety. The risks are personal and emotional, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, deepening character relationships, and setting up potential resolutions. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts, character revelations, and shifting dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between seeking vengeance and finding peace. Walt and Father Janovich represent different perspectives on how to respond to the violence, challenging each other's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the portrayal of Sue's brutal beating and the aftermath. It is a pivotal moment in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and the gravity of the situation. It effectively conveys emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, dramatic character interactions, and high stakes that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, with a balance of dialogue, action, and introspective moments that keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of exposition and dialogue that feels clunky and unnecessary. Walt's dialogue, especially his initial comment about 'gooks,' feels out of character for a man who has already shown some degree of empathy towards Tao and the Hmong community. This dialogue serves no purpose other than to reiterate his prejudice, which we already know.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual descriptions to convey the emotional impact of Sue's arrival. While the descriptions are vivid, they could be more effectively conveyed through dialogue and action. It might be helpful to see Sue’s emotional state a little more, rather than just her injuries, which are already clearly described. The action of her collapsing into Vu’s arms is good, but more emotional beats might be effective here.
  • The scene ends abruptly and doesn't provide a sense of closure. It’s not clear what Walt’s reaction is to Phong’s screeches, or what he’s thinking as he steps outside. There is an opportunity to have some more action here.
  • The transition to the next scene feels jarring. It’s a bit awkward for Walt to burst into his house and start crying, especially when he has just stepped outside and there isn’t more detail about what he saw or how he reacted.
  • The crying scene, while intended to be emotional, comes across as melodramatic and over the top. The line 'He cries for Tao, Sue, his wife, kids and himself' feels forced and lacks subtlety.
Suggestions
  • Consider showing Walt's reaction to Sue's arrival in a more nuanced way, perhaps with a mix of shock, anger, and fear. The action of him dropping his glass can be effective here, but showing him struggling to control his emotions, with a bit of internal monologue, might be helpful.
  • Instead of simply stating that Walt is destroyed, show his reaction through his body language and actions. How does his face change? What does he do with his hands? Does he say anything, or is he speechless?
  • Perhaps explore Walt's internal conflict in this scene. Is he angry at the gang, at himself, or at the Hmong community? Does he feel responsible for Sue’s beating, or for not protecting her, even though he has just met her?
  • Consider a more gradual transition to the next scene, perhaps by showing Walt walking through the dark and the rain, pondering what he has seen, before he reaches his house. This can create a more natural transition.
  • Don’t be afraid to show Walt’s strength and complexity. He can be grieving and still be angry. He can be angry at the gang and still feel sympathy for Tao and Sue. This complexity will make him a more compelling character.



Scene 37 -  The Urge for Revenge
94 INT. WALT’S KITCHEN - MORNING 94

Walt sits at the kitchen table in his robe, drinking
coffee. Tao comes in without even knocking on the door.
TAO
What are you doing?

WALT
I’m thinking.

TAO
Thinking time is over. Now it’s
time to knock the ass out of those
pricks.

WALT
I know you don’t want to hear
this, but you have to calm down.

TAO
What?!


(CONTINUED)
102.
94 CONTINUED: 94
WALT
You have to have a clear head,
otherwise mistakes get made. Back
away from what’s happened, Tao.

TAO
No. Don’t let me down, Walt. Not
you. This is going to end, today.

Walt stands up and pulls out a chair for Tao to sit in.

WALT
Sit down.

TAO
I don’t want to sit.
WALT
I SAID SIT DOWN! Just listen up
for a second and don’t say
anything.

Tao sits down. Walt rubs his hands together.

WALT
I know what needs to be done. I
need to prepare, this needs to be
carefully planned. You know I’m
the right man for this. So cool
down for a little while and meet
me back here at 4 P.M. I promise
you, what needs to be done, will
be done.
TAO
I say we go now. Right now.
WALT
And do what? You want to go kill
your cousin and those other Zips.
Mr. Tough-Guy-All-Of-A-Sudden is
out for blood. What do you even
know about it?

Tao is furious, but says nothing.

WALT
Trust me, Tao. Cool down and
we’ll meet back here at four.
Okay?

Tao doesn’t answer.



(CONTINUED)
103.
94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
WALT
I said ‘okay?’ You won’t do
anything without me. You meet me
back here at four? Say ‘okay.’

TAO
Okay.

Tao storms out the back door. Walt pours more coffee.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary A furious Tao storms into Walt's kitchen demanding immediate revenge against his cousin and other Zips. Walt attempts to calm him down, arguing for a plan and his own role in its execution. Despite Tao's initial resistance, Walt manages to convince him to meet later that afternoon, leaving the conflict unresolved and the tension palpable.
Strengths
  • Intense emotions
  • Well-developed characters
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, intense, and sets up a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revenge and the characters' conflicting emotions are effectively portrayed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Walt and Tao plan their revenge, adding tension and suspense to the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar conflict between impulsiveness and strategic planning but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' dialogue and actions. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and motivations enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, especially Walt and Tao.

Character Changes: 8

Both Walt and Tao experience a shift in their motivations and actions during the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to calm down Tao and prevent him from making impulsive decisions out of anger. This reflects Walt's deeper need for control and strategic planning.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to plan a careful and strategic approach to deal with the situation involving Tao's cousin and the Zips. This reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding unnecessary violence and ensuring a successful outcome.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Tao, as well as their internal conflicts, adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations between the characters. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding complexity and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walt and Tao plan a dangerous revenge mission against the gang members.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a major conflict and decision.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting desires and actions of the characters. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved, adding tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between impulsiveness and strategic planning. Tao represents impulsiveness and immediate action, while Walt advocates for calmness and careful planning. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the best approach to handling the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tense dialogue, and conflicting motivations of the characters. The sense of urgency and suspense keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the pacing of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and a progression of tension and conflict. The dialogue and actions contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks the nuance and complexity that would be expected from such a critical turning point in the story.
  • The dialogue is too expository and lacks subtlety. It feels like the characters are simply stating their intentions and motivations rather than expressing them through their actions and reactions.
  • Walt's motivations are unclear. It's not fully established why he's taking charge and why he's assuming responsibility for exacting revenge. Is it a paternal instinct? A desire to prove himself? A need for control?
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition and lacks dramatic tension. We know Tao wants revenge, and we know Walt wants to control the situation, but the scene doesn't show us why their motivations are so intense or what their fears are. This makes the scene feel less impactful and engaging.
  • The scene lacks any significant visual elements. The dialogue drives the scene forward, but there's little to no imagery or detail that would enhance the reading experience.
  • The scene ends abruptly. Tao storms out without any resolution, leaving the reader with unanswered questions about the consequences of their decision. It would be more satisfying to see a more nuanced and impactful conclusion to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Explore Walt's internal conflict. Show his struggle with his own past and his desire to guide Tao towards a different path. What are his fears? What are his hopes for Tao?
  • Focus on the dynamics between Walt and Tao. Show the emotional tension of their conversation. How does Tao's anger and Walt's control manifest in their body language and tone of voice?
  • Give the scene a stronger visual element. Show Walt's kitchen in more detail. What are the objects that are visible? What is the atmosphere like? How does the environment reflect the tension of the scene?
  • Include a scene where Walt and Tao prepare for their revenge. Show them gathering weapons, planning their strategy, and talking about their motivations. This would build anticipation and tension, leading to a more impactful conclusion.
  • End the scene with a more decisive action. Maybe Tao accepts Walt's plan, or perhaps he rejects it and takes matters into his own hands. Regardless, the scene needs a satisfying closure.



Scene 38 -  The Path to Revenge
95 INT. BATHROOM 95

Walt soaks in the tub. It’s filled with bubbles. Walt
looks over at Daisy who rests on a towel in the corner.

Walt lights a CIGARETTE and exhales. Daisy curls up her
lips at the smoke.

WALT
I know, I know. Give me a break,
it’s the first time I’ve ever
smoked in the house.


96 EXT. WALT’S YARD - DAY 96

Walt meticulously mows his lawn. He carefully trims
around the fence and birdbath.


97 INT. OLD SCHOOL BARBERSHOP 97

Martin finishes cutting Walt’s hair.

BARBER
There, all done. Ten bucks
American.

WALT
I don’t suppose you still have
steady enough hands to give a guy
a straight shave, you withered,
old Italian mummy?

BARBER
You? A straight shave? You’ve
never ordered a straight shave,
ever.

WALT
That’s right. I always wondered
what they were like. Unless
you’re too goddamned busy?

(CONTINUED)
104.
97 CONTINUED: 97
BARBER
No, no. That’s fine. Let me heat
up a towel.

Walt hands Martin the Barber a twenty.

WALT
Here’s a twenty. Keep the change
in case you slip and hit my
jugular.


98 INT. OLD SCHOOL MEN’S CLOTHING STORE 98

Walt gets fitted for a new suit. The OLD TAILOR
carefully measures Walt’s shoulders.
WALT
So you can take it in right here?

TAILOR
Yes, sir. Take about an hour.

WALT
That’s great. Thank you.

TAILOR
Yes, sir.

WALT
Never had a fitted suit.


99 INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH OFFICE 99

Walt comes in and Father Janovich looks up.
FATHER JANOVICH
Mr. Kowalski, what can I do for
you?

WALT
I’ve come for confession.

FATHER JANOVICH
Oh Lord Jesus, what have you done?

WALT
Nothing. Take it easy.

FATHER JANOVICH
What are you up to?



(CONTINUED)
105.
99 CONTINUED: 99
WALT
Are you going to let me confess or
not?

CUT TO:


100 INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH 100

Walt calmly sits on one side and a very nervous, sweating
Father Janovich sits on the other.

FATHER JANOVICH
How long has it been since your
last confession?

WALT
Forever. Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned.

FATHER JANOVICH
What are your sins, my son.

WALT
In 1968, I kissed Betty Jablonski
at the work Christmas party.
Dorothy was talking with the other
wives and it just happened.

FATHER JANOVICH
Yes. Go on.

WALT
I made nine hundred dollars profit
selling a boat and motor and never
reported the taxes which is the
same as stealing.

FATHER JANOVICH
Yes. Fine.

WALT
And lastly, I was never close to
my two sons. I don’t know them.
I didn’t know how.

FATHER JANOVICH
That’s it?

WALT
Whatta you mean, ‘That’s it?’
It’s bothered me for years.



(CONTINUED)
106.
100 CONTINUED: 100
FATHER JANOVICH
God loves and forgives you. Say
ten ‘Hail Marys’ and five ‘Our
Fathers.’ Are you going to
retaliate for what happened to
Sue?

Walt says nothing. Father Janovich looks hard at Walt.

FATHER JANOVICH
I’m going over to that house
today, Mr. Kowalski.

WALT
Is that so?

FATHER JANOVICH
It is. And every other day until
you see the folly in what you are
planning.

WALT
I gotta go, Padre. Busy day
ahead.

FATHER JANOVICH
Go in peace.

WALT
I am at peace.

Walt and Father Janovich shake hands. Walt exits.

Father Janovich exhales loudly and drops into his chair.

FATHER JANOVICH
Je -- zuz -- Christ.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Walt indulges in a day of self-care, getting a bath, haircut, shave, and a new suit. He also goes to confession, where he confesses to past misdeeds but reveals his true motive: seeking revenge for his daughter's death. Despite Father Janovich's attempts to dissuade him, Walt remains resolute in his plans, leaving the church feeling at peace, even as the priest expresses his concern.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Introspective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, providing insight into Walt's character and setting the stage for potential conflict resolution.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confession and reflection adds depth to Walt's character and explores themes of redemption and forgiveness.

Plot: 7

While the plot does not advance significantly, the scene serves as a crucial moment of introspection for Walt, laying the groundwork for potential character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of redemption and forgiveness through the character of Walt and his interactions with others. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses heavily on Walt's character, revealing his inner turmoil and vulnerabilities, making him more relatable and complex.

Character Changes: 7

Walt undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he reflects on his past sins and seeks forgiveness, showing growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness and come to terms with his past mistakes and regrets. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and closure.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal in this scene is to get fitted for a new suit and attend confession. These goals reflect the immediate circumstances of his life and his desire for self-improvement and spiritual guidance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is internal conflict within Walt, the scene lacks external conflict, focusing more on introspection and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Father Janovich challenging Walt's intentions and beliefs, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional in this scene, as Walt grapples with his past actions and seeks redemption.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not propel the plot forward significantly, it deepens Walt's character and sets the stage for potential resolution of conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations in Walt's confession and the tension between Walt and Father Janovich.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of redemption, forgiveness, and the consequences of past actions. It challenges Walt's beliefs about his own worthiness and the possibility of atonement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions as Walt confronts his past mistakes and seeks redemption, creating a poignant and moving moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is introspective and revealing, providing insight into Walt's thoughts and emotions as he confesses his sins.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the emotional depth of the dialogue, and the suspenseful buildup of Walt's confession.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection and dialogue with action and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Walt's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and uneventful. It is more like a montage than a dramatic scene. The pacing is too fast and there isn't enough time to get a sense of Walt's emotional state. The dialogue is often clunky and doesn't feel natural. The writing is more descriptive than showing the reader how Walt feels. The scene lacks a clear purpose. It is not clear what Walt is trying to accomplish. He is going to confession, but there doesn't seem to be any sense of remorse on his part.
  • The scene feels like a checklist of events: taking a bath, getting a haircut, going to confession. The events are not linked together in a meaningful way, and they don't advance the plot. It is not clear what the point of Walt getting a shave and a suit is. The scene is just a list of activities, and it doesn't do anything to develop the character of Walt or move the story forward. The scene doesn't seem to serve a purpose other than to prepare Walt for his next scene, which is to confront the gangbangers and avenge Sue. However, the scene has very little to do with that goal and actually distracts from it.
  • The scene feels like a caricature of a typical old man who wants to feel young again by getting a haircut and going to confession. Walt's character is not a real person, he seems to be a stereotype. His actions and dialogue don't feel authentic.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. The dialogue is too expository and doesn't make the scene come to life. The writing is not cinematic. The scene would be better if it were broken down into smaller scenes, with each scene focusing on a particular aspect of Walt's preparation. The scene could be more engaging if it showed Walt's inner thoughts and feelings. It could also be more visually interesting if it used more cinematic language.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Walt in the bathroom, trying to relax, but finding it difficult. He could be thinking about Sue or the gangbangers. He could be having flashbacks to the Korean War. He could be struggling to come to terms with his own mortality.
  • Focus on Walt's inner thoughts and feelings. What is he thinking as he takes a bath? What is he feeling as he gets a haircut? What is he trying to achieve by going to confession?
  • Make the dialogue more natural and less expository. The scene would be more engaging if Walt's dialogue was more natural. Instead of stating he was estranged from his sons, why not show him looking at a picture of his sons and his reaction?
  • Use more cinematic language to bring the scene to life. Instead of simply saying that Walt is getting fitted for a new suit, show the tailor measuring Walt and talking about his measurements. Use close-ups and other visual devices to make the scene more engaging.
  • Consider adding a flashback to Walt's past. This could give us insight into why he is so determined to seek revenge on the gangbangers. It could also give us a better understanding of his character.
  • Consider adding a scene where Walt goes to the VFW for a drink before going to confession. This would give us a chance to see Walt interacting with other people and to learn more about his personality.
  • Consider adding a scene where Walt goes to the store to buy a new gun. This would give us a sense of his determination to take revenge. It would also be a good opportunity to show us how Walt is preparing for the final confrontation with the gangbangers.
  • Consider ending the scene with Walt leaving the confessional and looking determined. This would create a sense of suspense and leave the audience wondering what Walt will do next.



Scene 39 -  Trapped by the Past
101 INT. WALT’S KITCHEN - 3:51 P.M. 101

Walt carefully reassembles the two weapons he just
cleaned and oiled. Tao comes in and looks down at the
two weapons --

The 30-06 M1 GARAND RIFLE and the COLT .45 PISTOL.

Tao picks up the heavy RIFLE.

TAO
Which one do I get?

WALT
You ever fire a weapon?

(CONTINUED)
107.
101 CONTINUED: 101
TAO
No.

Tao aims the rifle at an imaginary target.

WALT
Put that down. I got something
for you.

TAO
What?

WALT
In Korea, October, 1952. We were
sent up to sweep a Chink machine
gun nest that had carved us up
pretty bad. I was the only one
who came back... I received the
Silver Star. I want you to have
it.

TAO
Why?

WALT
When we went up that hill, we knew
it was ten to one against us, but
we went anyway. This trouble now,
it’s similar. We’re walking right
into it. We might not be coming
home tonight.

TAO
The hell we won’t. We’re going to
roll in there and tear ass.
WALT
Don’t be a fool, these guys are
waiting for that exact reaction.

Tao is quiet for a minute.

TAO
How many?

WALT
How many what?

TAO
How many men did you kill in
Korea?

WALT
Thirteen for sure. Probably more.

(CONTINUED)
108.
101 CONTINUED: (2) 101
TAO
What was it like to kill a man?

WALT
You don’t want to know.

TAO
Why not?

WALT
Go get the Silver Star. It’s in a
blue wooden box in the cellar.

Tao goes downstairs. He turns on the light and goes into
the cellar. Tao locates a BLUE WOODEN BOX and opens it.

Tao holds up the MEDAL. He looks at it closely.
AND WHAM -- Walt slams the heavy cellar DOOR shut behind
him. Walt slides the BOLT LOCK into place with a loud
CLICK.

Tao couldn’t kick his way out of there in ten years. Of
course he tries anyway. Tao is furious. He throws
things.

TAO
What the hell are you doing?! Let
me out of here, you goddamned son-
of-a-bitch!!

WALT
Quit smashing everything. You’ll
never get out of there, so just
relax.
TAO
You let me out, you crazy old
fuck, or I will kill you when I
get out of here.

Tao pounds on the door. Walt pounds back with a strength
and authority which startles Tao.

WALT
You want to know how it feels to
kill a man? It feels goddamned
lousy. And it feels even worse
when you get a medal for bravery
right after you mowed down some
scared kid when he tries to give
up. A dumb, scared, little gook,
just about your age. I shot him
with the same rifle you just held
upstairs.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
109.
101 CONTINUED: (3) 101
WALT (CONT'D)
I’ve thought about that kid for
fifty years. And I promise you,
boy, you want no part of it. Me,
I’ve got blood on my hands. I’m
soiled. Forgive me for tricking
you like a dope. I’ll call
someone and have them let you out
later.

TAO
No! Let me out!!

Tao pounds on the door.

WALT
You’ve come a long way. I’m proud
to call you a friend. You have
your whole life ahead of you,
whereas this is what I do. I
finish things. You’d just get in
the way. Sorry.

Walt goes back upstairs, leaving Tao locked up in his
cellar.

Tao howls to be let out.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","War"]

Summary Walt, a war veteran, recounts his experiences in Korea to Tao, a young man, and shows him his weapons. Tao expresses interest in violence, prompting Walt to send him to retrieve his Silver Star from the cellar. However, Walt locks Tao in, revealing his own regret about his past actions and attempting to protect Tao from a similar fate. The scene ends with Tao trapped in the cellar, his frustration escalating as he calls for Walt to release him.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Intense subject matter

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful, revealing crucial aspects of Walt's character and his relationship with Tao. It is a pivotal moment in the story that adds depth and complexity.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Walt's past in Korea, his experiences in war, and the mentorship he provides to Tao is compelling and adds layers to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Walt shares his past with Tao, deepening their bond and setting the stage for the upcoming conflict. It adds depth to the story and foreshadows future events.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of war and violence, focusing on the personal and emotional consequences of past actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Walt's complex character, revealing his inner struggles, regrets, and the mentorship he provides to Tao. Tao's growth and emotional response also add depth to the characters.

Character Changes: 8

Both Walt and Tao undergo significant emotional changes in this scene. Walt confronts his past actions and regrets, while Tao learns valuable lessons about sacrifice and mentorship.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect Tao from the harsh realities of war and violence, while also coming to terms with his own guilt and trauma from his past actions in Korea.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent Tao from making the same mistakes he did in the past, by locking him up in the cellar to protect him from the dangers of the outside world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walt's past actions, his mentorship of Tao, and the impending danger sets a tense and confrontational atmosphere. It raises the stakes and foreshadows future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Walt's actions create a difficult and morally complex situation for Tao. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Walt shares his past with Tao, revealing the dangers of revenge and the consequences of one's actions. It sets the stage for a potential confrontation with the gang.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the bond between Walt and Tao, setting the stage for future conflicts, and revealing crucial aspects of Walt's character and past.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, as Walt locks Tao in the cellar to protect him. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of violence and the impact it has on individuals. Walt struggles with his past actions and the consequences of his choices, while Tao grapples with the idea of killing and the reality of war.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, delving into Walt's past trauma, regrets, and the mentorship he provides to Tao. It evokes strong emotions and adds depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and emotional, reflecting the inner turmoil of Walt and the impact of his past actions. It effectively conveys the themes of sacrifice, regret, and mentorship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of emotions and conflicts. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and effective structure, with a well-paced buildup of tension and emotional conflict. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • This scene is a pivotal moment in the film, as Walt reveals his true intentions and tries to manipulate Tao into becoming a killer. The scene does a good job of building suspense and showcasing Walt's deep-seated trauma from the Korean War, but it feels a bit rushed and unconvincing.
  • The scene relies too much on exposition. Walt's monologue about his past in Korea feels clunky and unearned. It would be more effective to show the audience more of Walt's internal conflict rather than have him explain it directly. He doesn't seem to be experiencing any internal conflict. The scene is mostly about exposition.
  • The scene's dramatic irony is very obvious. It's clear from the start that Walt is going to lock Tao in the cellar. The scene would be more effective if it were more ambiguous. The scene would be more effective if it focused on Walt's internal struggle and gave Tao more agency.
  • Tao's reaction to being locked in the cellar feels unrealistic. The scene would be more effective if it showed Tao's struggle to escape, as well as his internal turmoil. It would help the audience understand what he's going through.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It would be more effective if it showed Tao's reaction to being locked in the cellar and Walt's thoughts and feelings afterwards. The scene would be more effective if it ended with a cliffhanger.
Suggestions
  • Show, don't tell. Rather than having Walt explain his past in Korea, show the audience flashbacks or dream sequences that reveal his trauma. This would make his actions more understandable and his internal conflict more palpable.
  • Give Tao more agency. Have him react more strongly to Walt's manipulation. Allow him to make his own choices, even if those choices are flawed. The scene would be more effective if it focused on Tao's internal struggle and gave him more agency.
  • Create more suspense. Don't make the scene's dramatic irony so obvious. Build the tension slowly, making the audience wonder what Walt is going to do. The scene would be more effective if it focused on Walt's internal struggle and gave Tao more agency.
  • Make the scene more emotionally resonant. Explore the themes of guilt, redemption, and the consequences of violence. The scene would be more effective if it focused on Walt's internal struggle and gave Tao more agency.
  • Consider changing the scene's ending. Instead of ending the scene with Walt locking Tao in the cellar, consider showing what happens next. What does Tao do? How does Walt feel about what he's done? The scene would be more effective if it focused on Walt's internal struggle and gave Tao more agency.



Scene 40 -  Defiance in the Neighborhood
102 EXT. WALT’S HOUSE 102

Walt walks out his front door with Daisy on her leash.
He walks over to Tao’s house.

Phong sits in a lawnchair and glares at Walt. She yells
in Hmong as Walt walks straight up to her.
WALT
Aw, pipe down, you hag.

PHONG
(subtitled)
You're an evil man. I’ve seen
your kind before. Back home,
white soldiers came to our
villages and filled our young
men’s minds with ideas of glory.
Then you’d lead them away to their
deaths.

Walt, of course, has no idea what she said.

WALT
Fine, I hate you too.


(CONTINUED)
110.
102 CONTINUED: 102
Walt holds out the DOG LEASH to Phong. She looks down at
Daisy and back at Walt. She lashes out again in Hmong.

WALT
I need you to watch my dog.

Walt holds the leash closer. Phong folds her arms in
defiance. Walt exhales loudly.

Walt lifts up one of the LEGS OF HER LAWNCHAIR and slips
the loop of the leash underneath it so Daisy can’t follow
him.

WALT
Her name is Daisy.

Walt bends down on one knee and lovingly pets Daisy. He
scratches her belly.

WALT
You take it easy, old gal. You
good old girl.

Walt gets up and walks away without looking back.

Phong is stunned; she is silent for once.


103 INT. VFW 103

Walt walks in and sits down. He nods to the regulars.

WALT
Good afternoon, gentlemen.

DARREL
Walter, how are you doing?

WALTER
Never been better.

BARTENDER
Beer and a shot, Walt?

WALT
I think I’ll have something
different.

Walt looks at the liquor display. At the pinnacle of
bottles sits a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.

WALT
Think I’ll try that Johnnie Walker
Blue Label.

(CONTINUED)
111.
103 CONTINUED: 103
The regulars all “Oooooo” and “Ahhhhhhh” at Walt’s order.

MEL
Whatta ya win the lottery, Wally?

WALT
Naw, just having something
special.

Walt sips his Scotch and nods. It’s good.

WALT
Why don’t you get all the guys the
same.

BARTENDER
You sure?
WALT
I’m sure. This is too good not to
be shared.

Walt finishes his Scotch and points for one more.
Several regulars hold up their drinks towards Walt.


104 INT. VFW PHONE BOOTH 104

Walt slips into the phone booth. He puts in change and
dials.

CUT TO:


105 INT. TAO’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 105
Sue weakly answers the phone next to her bed.

SUE
Hello?

WALT (V.O.)
It’s Walt. The key to my front
door is under the ceramic turtle.
Open the door and go let your
brother out of the cellar. I have
to go.

The line goes dead as Walt hangs up. Sue jumps up out of
bed, pulls on some clothes and runs downstairs.

Phong blocks her path. Phong grabs Sue by the arms.



(CONTINUED)
112.
105 CONTINUED: 105
PHONG
(subtitled)
Who was that? Where are you
going? You tell me what’s going
on?!

Sue squirms away from Phong and runs outside. On her way
over to Walt’s house, she sees Daisy leashed to Phong’s
chair. It scares Sue even more.


106 EXT. SMOKIE’S DUPLEX - AFTERNOON 106

Father Janovich paces back and forth. The SQUAD CAR
pulls up to him, which is exactly what he’s been afraid
of all day.
OFFICER
Sorry, Father, we have to go.

FATHER JANOVICH
I’m telling you. If we’re not
here, there will be bloodshed.

OFFICER
We’ve been here for hours. We
can’t afford to anchor a unit to
one location.

FATHER JANOVICH
I’m begging you to stay.

OFFICER
I just got word from my Sergeant,
we’re pulling the plug.
FATHER JANOVICH
I’m staying.

OFFICER
No you aren’t. My orders are
specific. You came with us,
you’re leaving with us.

Father Janovich looks hard at the duplex before getting
into the SQUAD CAR. The SQUAD CAR drives off.

Walt pulls up in front, gets out of his pickup and slams
the door. He looks at the duplex. It’s a total eyesore.

WALT
(mutters)
What a goddamned mess. You slopes
should be ashamed of yourselves.

(CONTINUED)
113.
106 CONTINUED: 106
Walt walks up the sidewalk and stops twenty feet from the
duplex.

Six very scared, very jittery Hmong gangbangers look out
at Walt from various doorways and windows.

WALT
Is that all you swamp rats or is
there more vermin scurrying in the
shadows?

Smokie and Spider step out and stand on the porch.
Smokie smiles at Walt. Walt spits on the ground.

SMOKIE
I wasn’t sure that you’d...
WALT
Shut up, gook. I’m not here to
listen to one goddamned syllable
of what a shrimp-dicked little
baby midget like you has to say.

Spider pulls his PISTOL.

WALT
That’s right, boy. Defend your
boyfriend after he or you or
whoever rapes a member of your
family. Your own blood, for
Christ’s sake. Go ahead, pull
your pistols, just like a bunch of
ridiculous miniature toy cowboys.

Smokie and several other Hmong gangbangers pull their
guns.
WALT
You have no honor. You’re the
scum of the earth and when you’re
gone, do you think anyone will
care? No one will mourn. You
won’t be missed.

All the Hmong are spooked at Walt’s absolute lack of
fear.

SMOKIE
Where’s Tao, old man? He too
scared to come and stick up for
himself?




(CONTINUED)
114.
106 CONTINUED: (2) 106
WALT
No. Tao is too good for this.
You pukes aren’t worth one second
of his time.

Walt slowly puts a CIGARETTE in his mouth. Even this
slight movement has the gangbangers waving their PISTOLS
around.

Walt laughs.

WALT
You boys are a little bit jumpy.

SPIDER
You watch it, old man.
WALT
No, I think you’d better watch it.

Walt looks around. Other than the gangbangers, a small
group of people have gathered to watch this showdown.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary Walt confronts Phong, who accuses him of being evil, but he cleverly secures his dog Daisy to her chair before heading to the VFW. There, he orders a drink to share with the regulars and calls Sue to let her brother Tao out of the cellar. The scene escalates as Walt boldly faces a group of Hmong gangbangers, showcasing his fearless demeanor and leaving them intimidated.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of cultural groups

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and sets up a pivotal moment in the story with high stakes and intense conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of standing up against injustice, cultural differences, and the consequences of violence is well-developed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Walt's confrontation with the gang members, setting the stage for a major turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of racism and cultural conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and raw, adding depth to the narrative. The writer's original voice shines through in the confrontational interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt and the gang members, are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are clearly portrayed.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant emotional transformation, showing vulnerability and a sense of justice, while the gang members face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to assert his dominance and control over the situation, showcasing his tough exterior and lack of fear. This reflects his need for power and respect, as well as his deep-seated prejudices and anger.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to confront the Hmong gangbangers and assert his authority over them. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with the gang and protecting his neighborhood.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and emotional impact.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Hmong gangbangers presenting a significant challenge to Walt's authority. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will play out, adding suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the threat of violence and the characters' moral choices, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up a major conflict and resolution, leading to a crucial turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the escalating tension and unexpected character actions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation, adding suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's racist beliefs and the Hmong gangbangers' sense of honor and community. This challenges Walt's worldview and values, forcing him to confront his own prejudices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the characters and the audience, especially with the themes of revenge and justice.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the tension between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The confrontational interactions between characters keep the audience on edge, eager to see how the situation unfolds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and character actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension. The pacing and formatting align with the genre expectations, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • This scene feels rushed and lacks the emotional weight that should accompany this pivotal moment. While the scene attempts to show Walt's descent into vengeance and his attempt to enact justice, it feels rushed and anticlimactic.
  • The scene also suffers from a lack of nuance. While Walt is clearly a flawed character, the dialogue and actions here make him seem cartoonishly evil. This lack of complexity undermines his character arc and the overall message of the script.
  • The scene's reliance on stereotypes and crude language weakens the dramatic impact. The use of phrases like "hag" and "swamp rats" feels lazy and unnecessary. These kinds of insults, while potentially authentic to Walt's character, come across as gratuitous and harmful.
  • The scene's lack of internal conflict or emotional complexity makes it feel hollow. Walt's actions seem motivated purely by anger, without any hint of internal struggle or regret. This makes him seem one-dimensional and less believable as a character.
  • The scene's abrupt ending feels jarring and unresolved. The sudden cut to a new location leaves the audience wondering what happens next. This lack of closure creates a sense of frustration rather than anticipation for the final scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider slowing down the pace of the scene and allowing for more emotional resonance. This could be achieved by adding internal monologue, flashbacks, or even simply extending the dialogue between Walt and Phong.
  • Explore Walt's inner conflict more deeply. What motivates him to take this final, reckless step? Is there any doubt or regret in his mind? Show his struggle with his past, his anger, and his desire for revenge, rather than just stating it.
  • Replace the stereotypical insults with more nuanced and character-driven dialogue. Instead of using generic slurs, let Walt's anger and frustration surface through his words, actions, and reactions.
  • Add some visual elements to create a more compelling and evocative scene. This could be done with close-ups on Walt's face, shots of the weapons, or even a slow-motion sequence as he approaches the Hmong gangbangers.
  • Offer a more satisfying and impactful resolution to the scene. This could be done by showing the consequences of Walt's actions, either through the reactions of the gang members, the intervention of the police, or the emotional response of those who witness the scene.



Scene 41 -  A Tragic Confrontation
107 INT. WALT’S HOUSE 107

Sue opens the front door, runs to the stairwell and
pounds down the stairs.

SUE
Tao? Tao, are you alright?

TAO (O.S.)
I’M DOWN HERE! LET ME OUT!!
She unlocks the CELLAR DOOR. Tao comes out in a rage.

TAO
Goddamn it!

SUE
What’s going on?

TAO
He left without me!

SUE
Where? Where’d he go?!

TAO
He went to Smokie’s without me.
Tao takes the stairs two steps at a time.
(CONTINUED)
115.
107 CONTINUED: 107
SUE
No! No, Tao!

Sue grabs Tao’s legs and hangs on.

SUE
No! Don’t you dare! Stay away
from them, Tao! I don’t want
anyone else getting hurt.

TAO
Leave me alone.

SUE
NO, TAO. NO!

They struggle at the top of the stairs and spill into the
kitchen floor. Tao runs for the door when something
catches his eye...

The kitchen table.

The RIFLE and PISTOL are still there.

Walt purposely left the guns at home.

TAO
Oh God! NO!!

QUICK CUT BACK TO:


108 EXT. SMOKIE’S DUPLEX - SAME TIME 108

WALT AND COMPANY...
WALT
Anybody got a light? No? I got
one.

Walt’s slight grin fades. He mutters to himself...

WALT
Hail Mary, full of grace.

Walt reaches into his coat pocket. Six Hmong gangbangers
simultaneously level their PISTOLS and FIRE.

BULLETS FLY. Walt is struck down. People scream.

Walt falls dead. A ZIPPO lighter clutched in his hand.
Walt never intended to kill anyone. Self-sacrifice.
116.


109 EXT. SMOKIE’S DUPLEX - LATER 109

Tao and Sue arrive just as Smokie, Spider and company are
being driven away in Police cars.

Tao looks at Smokie in the squad car. Smokie no longer
looks tough or hard, he just looks scared.

On the street, Walt is being bagged by the ambulance
crew. Father Janovich prays over him.

Tao steps up to a POLICE OFFICER.

TAO
What happened?

POLICE OFFICER
You have to step back.

TAO
He was a friend of mine.

POLICE OFFICER
I said step back.

Tao turns to the HMONG POLICE OFFICER.

TAO
What happened, man?

The Hmong Police Officer looks at the WHITE POLICE
OFFICER and then to Tao.

HMONG POLICE OFFICER
You heard him, step back.
Tao speaks to the HMONG OFFICER in their native language.

TAO
(subtitled)
Please, man, it’s important. He’s
my friend. Tell me what happened?

HMONG POLICE OFFICER
(subtitled)
The old guy reaches for a lighter
and they gunned him down. The
gang said the old guy was here to
kill them, but he didn’t have a
weapon.

TAO
(subtitled)
What’s going to happen?

(CONTINUED)
117.
109 CONTINUED: 109
HMONG POLICE OFFICER
(subtitled)
We actually have witnesses for
once. These guys are going away
big time.

The WHITE OFFICER yells at the HMONG OFFICER.

POLICE OFFICER
Officer Chang, get those people
back.

HMONG POLICE OFFICER
Yes, sir. You have to step back
now.

Tao hugs his sister. Sue openly weeps. Tao holds it in.
He looks at his friend Walt as the bag is zipped over
him.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary In a tense scene, Tao, enraged by Walt's departure, is stopped by Sue from pursuing him. Realizing Walt intentionally left his guns behind, Tao's anger turns to despair when he learns that Walt was shot and killed by Hmong gangbangers at Smokie's after reaching for a lighter. As Tao and Sue arrive at the scene, they witness the aftermath of violence, with Walt's body being bagged and Smokie arrested. The scene concludes with Tao comforting a distraught Sue, both grappling with the loss of Walt.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Powerful themes
Weaknesses
  • Tragic outcome
  • Violent resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful, with a tragic ending that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of self-sacrifice, revenge, and the cycle of violence is well-executed and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and engaging, with a focus on the escalating conflict and the ultimate sacrifice made by Walt.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of loyalty and justice in the face of violence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially Walt's selfless act and Tao's struggle with revenge.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant character change through his self-sacrifice, while Tao grapples with his desire for revenge.

Internal Goal: 8

Tao's internal goal is to protect his friends and family, as well as to navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

Tao's external goal is to understand what happened to his friend Walt and to seek justice for him. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the violent event that took place.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and drives the narrative forward, leading to a tragic climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and intense emotional stakes. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walt risks his life to protect Tao and Sue, leading to a tragic outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving the conflict between the characters and setting the stage for the aftermath of Walt's sacrifice.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events, unexpected character actions, and the moral ambiguity of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of loyalty and justice. Tao must balance his loyalty to his friend Walt with the pursuit of justice for his death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly sadness, anger, and fear, due to the tragic events that unfold.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension and emotion in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflict, and fast-paced action. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and emotional beats that drive the narrative forward. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a dramatic action sequence. The use of dialogue and action lines enhances the pacing and tension of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climactic event, and a resolution. It effectively conveys the emotional and action beats of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a somewhat repetitive dialogue exchange between Sue and Tao, highlighting their already established relationship dynamics, but lacking in significant new information or emotional depth.
  • The reveal of Walt's deliberate act of leaving the guns behind feels somewhat abrupt and lacking in build-up. This crucial detail could have been woven into the previous scene with Walt's preparations for revenge to create a more impactful reveal.
  • The quick cut to the exterior scene with Walt's encounter with the gangbangers feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the narrative. It would be more effective to transition smoothly between these two scenes, possibly with a longer shot showing Walt leaving his house and walking toward the duplex.
  • The scene describing Walt's death feels somewhat rushed and lacks a strong emotional impact. The dialogue exchange between Walt and the gangbangers, while brief, is not particularly compelling. The focus on the Zippo lighter feels more like a symbolic gesture than a genuine emotional moment.
  • The scene's ending with Tao and Sue arriving at the scene after the incident feels somewhat underwhelming. It lacks a strong sense of closure or a final poignant moment to emphasize the emotional impact of Walt's death.
  • The dialogue between Tao and the Hmong police officer is primarily delivered in their native language, requiring subtitles. While this can be effective in conveying cultural context, it could feel jarring and disrupt the flow for readers who are not familiar with the language.
  • The scene's overall tone feels somewhat detached and lacks a strong emotional resonance. It would be more impactful to explore the characters' emotional responses to Walt's death in more detail and create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene's opening to delve deeper into Tao's anger and frustration while also exploring Sue's anxiety and helplessness in trying to restrain him.
  • Weave in hints of Walt's plan to leave the guns behind in the previous scene, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation. This can be done through subtle dialogue exchanges or visual cues.
  • Transition between the two scenes more smoothly, perhaps with a dissolve or a montage that highlights Walt's journey to Smokie's duplex.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of Walt's death. Explore the reactions of Tao, Sue, and the other characters to create a more visceral and emotionally resonant moment. Consider adding a scene of Tao and Sue discovering Walt's body, emphasizing the finality of his death.
  • Reduce the amount of dialogue in the native language and use subtitles sparingly. It is essential to balance the cultural context with the overall readability and accessibility of the scene.
  • Consider adding a scene with Father Janovich or another character reflecting on Walt's life and actions, highlighting the complexity of his character and the impact he had on those around him.



Scene 42 -  A Final Farewell
110 EXT. TAO’S HOUSE - DAY 110

Tao and Sue wait in front. Tao wears a suit, Sue is in a
traditional Hmong dress. A TAXI pulls up and they get
in.

Sitting on the porch is Phong who rocks back and forth in
her rocking chair. Phong holds Daisy in her arms, gently
petting the old dog.


111 INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH 111

We’re at the funeral of Walter Kowalski. Walt is dressed
in his new suit.
Along with the crowd you’d expect, Tao and Sue are seated
near the front.

Walt’s sons and family are there. Mitch gives Tao a
dirty look. Tao looks back at him, his gaze bores right
through Mitch. Mitch looks away.

Father Janovich steps up to the pulpit and speaks.




(CONTINUED)
118.
111 CONTINUED: 111
FATHER JANOVICH
Walt Kowalski once said to me I
didn’t know anything about life or
death because ‘I was an
overeducated, 27-year-old virgin
who held the hands of
superstitious old women and
promised them eternity.’ Walt
definitely had no problem ‘calling
it like he saw it.’ But Walt was
right. I knew really nothing
about life or death until I got to
know Walt. And boy, did I learn.


112 INT. LAW OFFICE 112
All of Walt’s family are seated in an office as a LAWYER
reads Walt Kowalski’s will.

Tao is present along with Walt’s family.

LAWYER
Which brings us to our last item.
And again, please forgive the
language used in Mr. Kowalski’s
will. I’m simply reading it as it
was written.

The LAWYER takes a sip of water before reading...

LAWYER
‘And to my friend, Tao Vang Lor, I
leave my 1972 Gran Torino on the
condition that you don’t choptop
the roof like a damned spick,
don’t paint any idiotic flames on
it like some white-trash hillbilly
and don’t put a big gay spoiler on
the rear-end like you see on all
the other zipper heads’ cars. It
just looks like hell. If you can
refrain from doing any of that,
it’s yours.

FADE OUT.




THE END
THIS SCRIPT WAS PREPARED

BY WARNER BROS. PICTURES

SCRIPT PROCESSING DEPARTMENT

(818) 954-4632
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary Tao and Sue stand somberly in a funeral home, preparing to leave with the body of their friend, Walt. The scene focuses on their grief as they hug each other and Tao stares at Walt's body being zipped up for transport. The silence and the visual emphasis on the body create a somber and sad atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Intense conflict resolution
  • Powerful themes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be predictable
  • Certain character actions may seem extreme or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful, with a mix of intense action and deep reflection. It effectively wraps up the story while leaving a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of legacy, redemption, and the consequences of violence are central to the scene. The exploration of character motivations and the resolution of conflicts are well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with a mix of action sequences and emotional moments. The resolution of conflicts and the revelation of Walt's will add depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural diversity, generational conflicts, and personal growth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and well-defined, with each having their own motivations and arcs. The relationships between characters drive the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Tao and Sue, as they confront loss, violence, and the legacy of Walt. These changes drive the emotional depth of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the emotional complexities of attending a funeral and dealing with the aftermath of a friend's death. This reflects their deeper need for closure, understanding, and acceptance of the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive a specific inheritance from the deceased friend's will. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in terms of material possessions and relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, cultural, and moral conflicts. It drives the action and emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, relationships, and values creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and the consequences of their actions. The outcome has a significant impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, revealing character motivations, and setting up the resolution of the narrative. It sets the stage for the final act of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions, the revelation of the will's contents, and the underlying tensions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between cultural values, generational differences, and personal beliefs. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and forces them to confront their own biases and prejudices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotional, with moments of tragedy, redemption, and reflection. It evokes strong emotions in the audience and leaves a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and impactful, conveying the emotions and conflicts of the characters effectively. It adds depth to the relationships and themes explored in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines emotional depth, conflict, and humor to keep the audience invested in the characters' journey and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension, reflection, and revelation to maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the events unfolding on screen.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different settings and characters to advance the plot and develop the themes.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. While it aims to provide closure and resolution, it feels more like a summary than a satisfying ending.
  • The scene's structure is fragmented, jumping between different locations without a smooth transition. This disrupts the flow and diminishes the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. The scene relies heavily on visual cues to convey emotions, which feels underwhelming and unearned.
  • The ending feels abrupt and unsatisfying. The scene ends with Tao looking at Walt's body as it's zipped up, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The scene lacks a sense of closure for the audience. While the main conflict has been resolved, the characters' emotional journeys feel incomplete, especially for Tao.
  • The scene feels like it's trying to tie up loose ends, but it misses the opportunity to explore the complex emotions surrounding Walt's death and the impact it has on the characters.
  • The scene's visual elements are minimal and lack detail. While the scene focuses on the funeral home, it doesn't provide a visual sense of the event's gravity or the characters' emotions.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single location for the scene, like the funeral home, and allow the characters' emotions to unfold within that space.
  • Develop the dialogue between Tao and Sue to explore their individual reactions to Walt's death and their evolving relationship. Explore their emotions, their regrets, and their memories of Walt.
  • Consider opening the scene with a flashback to a pivotal moment between Walt and Tao, providing a deeper emotional context for their final interaction.
  • Explore the visual elements of the scene in more detail. Show the quiet and solemn atmosphere of the funeral home, the expression on Tao's face as he looks at Walt's body, and the details of the funeral procession.
  • Consider using the scene to foreshadow future events, perhaps through a conversation between Tao and Sue about Walt's legacy and their own paths going forward.
  • Conclude the scene with a powerful visual image that underscores the emotional impact of Walt's death and its lasting influence on the characters.
  • Focus on showcasing the emotional impact of Walt's death on Tao, particularly his struggle to process his grief and his conflicting feelings about Walt.