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Scene 1 -  Frustrations and Dissatisfactions of the Burnhams and Fitts
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ NIGHT

On VIDEO: JANE BURNHAM lays in bed, wearing a tank top.
She's sixteen, with dark, intense eyes.

JANE
I need a father who's a role model,
not some horny geek­boy who's gonna
spray his shorts whenever I bring a
girlfriend home from school.
(snorts)
What a lame­o. Somebody really
should put him out of his misery.

Her mind wanders for a beat.

RICKY (O.C.)
Want me to kill him for you?

Jane looks at us and sits up.

JANE
(deadpan)
Yeah, would you?

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ EARLY MORNING

We're FLYING above suburban America, DESCENDING SLOWLY
toward a tree­lined street.

LESTER (V.O.)
My name is Lester Burnham. This is
my neighborhood. This is my street.
This... is my life. I'm forty­two
years old. In less than a year, I'll
be dead.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

We're looking down at a king­sized BED from OVERHEAD:

LESTER BURNHAM lies sleeping amidst expensive bed linens,
face down, wearing PAJAMAS. An irritating ALARM CLOCK RINGS.
Lester gropes blindly to shut it off.

LESTER (V.O.)
Of course, I don't know that yet. He
rolls over, looks up at us and
sighs. He doesn't seem too thrilled
at the prospect of a new day.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And in a way, I'm dead already.

He sits up and puts on his slippers.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BATH ­ MOMENTS LATER

Lester thrusts his face directly into a steaming hot shower.

ANGLE from outside the shower: Lester's naked body is
silhouetted through the fogged­up glass door. It becomes
apparent he is masturbating.

LESTER (V.O.)
(amused)
Look at me, jerking off in the
shower.
(then)
This will be the high point of my
day. It's all downhill from here.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE on a single, dewy AMERICAN BEAUTY ROSE. A gloved hand
with CLIPPERS appears and SNIPS the flower off.

CAROLYN BURNHAM tends her rose bushes in front of the
Burnham house. A very well­put together woman of forty, she
wears color­coordinated gardening togs and has lots of
useful and expensive tools.

Lester watches her through a WINDOW on the first floor,
peeping out through the drapes.

LESTER (V.O.)
That's my wife Carolyn. See the way
the handle on those pruning shears
matches her gardening clogs? That's
not an accident.

EXT. JIMS' HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

In the fenced front yard of the house next door, a dog BARKS
repeatedly. A MAN in a conservative suit (JIM #1) chastises
the barking dog.

JIM #1
Hush, Bitsy. You hush. What is
wrong?

LESTER (V.O.)
That's our next­door neighbor Jim.

A second MAN in a conservative suit (JIM #2) comes out of
the house.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And that's his lover, Jim.

JIM #2
(re: barking dog)
What in the world is wrong with her?
She had a walk this morning.

JIM #1
And a jerky treat.

JIM #2
You spoil her.
(sternly)
Bitsy. No bark. Come inside. Now.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester watches all this from the window.

CAROLYN
Good morning, Jim!

Jim #1 walks toward the fence to greet Carolyn.

JIM #1
Morning, Carolyn.

CAROLYN
(overly friendly)
I just love your tie! That color!

JIM #1
I just love your roses. How do you
get them to flourish like this?

CAROLYN
Well, I'll tell you. Egg shells and
Miracle Grow.

Jim #1 and Carolyn continue to chat, unaware that Lester is
watching them.

LESTER (V.O.)
Man. I get exhausted just watching
her.

Lester's POV: We can't hear what Jim and Carolyn are saying,
but she's overly animated, like a TV talk show host.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She wasn't always like this. She
used to be happy. We used to be
happy.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this melancholic scene, Jane Burnham, 16, vents her frustration about her father to Ricky Fitts, who offers to ‘kill’ him. Meanwhile, Jane’s father, Lester, expresses his own dissatisfaction with his life while masturbating in the shower. Jane’s mother, Carolyn, is oblivious to Lester’s unhappiness as she tends to her rose bushes and converses with their neighbor, Jim, who is in a relationship with another man. The scene’s conflicts and visual elements hint at the dark humor and significant storylines to come.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Satirical tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of overt conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the film, introducing key characters and themes while engaging the audience with its dark humor and social commentary.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the facade of suburban life and the inner turmoil of the characters is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces conflicts and tensions within the characters' relationships, setting up potential developments for the rest of the film.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on suburban life, with unique character dynamics and a satirical approach to societal norms.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and complex, each with their own desires and struggles that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

There are hints of potential character growth and change, especially in Lester's dissatisfaction with his life.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal is to have a father figure who is a positive role model and not embarrassing or inappropriate.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it seems to revolve around his dissatisfaction with his life and his desire for change.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying conflicts and tensions between the characters, hinting at future confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with characters facing internal conflicts rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, there is a sense of underlying tension and dissatisfaction that hints at future conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively sets up the story and introduces key elements that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its portrayal of suburban discontent, but the characters' actions and dialogue add layers of complexity.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene hints at the conflict between societal expectations and personal desires, as characters struggle with their roles and identities within the suburban setting.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from amusement to melancholy, but does not delve deeply into emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dark humor, intriguing character dynamics, and underlying tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and establishes the tone of suburban ennui.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional screenplay format, with clear transitions between locations and character introductions.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of introducing the main characters and their relationships, but the pacing is a bit slow and could benefit from tighter editing.
  • The dialogue in the video diary section is well-written, but the transition to Lester's perspective is a bit abrupt.
  • The introduction of the two Jims and their relationship with the Burnhams is an interesting touch, but it might be more effective if it were integrated more smoothly into the scene.
  • The voiceover narration by Lester is engaging and provides insight into his character, but it might be more impactful if it were used more sparingly.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling and less dialogue, particularly in the introduction of the characters and their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting or shortening some of the dialogue to improve the pacing of the scene.
  • Experiment with using visual storytelling to introduce the characters and their relationships, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Integrate the introduction of the two Jims more smoothly into the scene, perhaps by having Lester interact with them directly or by showing their relationship with the Burnhams in a more subtle way.
  • Use voiceover narration more sparingly, and only when it adds something meaningful to the scene.
  • Consider using music or sound effects to enhance the mood and pacing of the scene.



Scene 2 -  Morning Tensions and Insecurities: A Glimpse into the Burnham Family's Dysfunction
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

JANE is seated at her desk, working at her computer.

LESTER (V.O.)
My daughter Jane. Only child.

CLOSE on the COMPUTER MONITOR: A PERSONAL BANKING SOFTWARE
window suddenly disappears to reveal another window: a
PLASTIC SURGERY WEBSITE, featuring clinical "before" and
"after" photos of surgically augmented breasts.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Janie's a pretty typical teenager.
Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I
could tell her that's all going to
pass...

Outside, a CAR HORN BLARES. Jane stuffs items into her
BACKPACK.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
But I don't want to lie to her.

We HEAR the CAR HORN again from outside. Jane studies
herself in a mirror, then shifts to get a good profile of
her breasts.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn stands next to a platinum­colored MERCEDES­BENZ
ML320, reaching in through the drivers' window to blow the
HORN again.

Jane shuffles out of the house, her backpack slung over her
shoulder.

CAROLYN
Jane. Honey. Are you trying to look
unattractive?

JANE
Yes.

CAROLYN
Well, congratulations. You've
succeeded admirably.

Jane gets in the car. Lester hurries out the front door,
carrying a BRIEFCASE.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Lester, could you make me a little
later, please? Because I'm not quite
late enough.

Lester's briefcase suddenly springs open and his papers
spill all over the driveway. He drops to his knees to gather
everything.

JANE
Nice going, Dad.

Lester smiles sheepishly, trying to lighten the moment.

His POV: Carolyn looks down at us, contemptuous but also
bored, as if she gave up expecting anything more long ago.

LESTER (V.O.)
Both my wife and daughter think I'm
this gigantic loser, and... they're
right.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene opens in Jane's room, where she shifts from banking software to a plastic surgery website, hinting at her insecurities. Jane's tense interaction with her critical mother, Carolyn, contrasts with Lester's submissive and clumsy demeanor. The family's strained relationship is further illustrated when Carolyn criticizes Jane's appearance, and Lester feels incapable of meeting either woman's needs. The scene closes with Lester, the outsider, picking up his papers as Carolyn and Jane drive away.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the rest of the film, introducing the audience to the complex relationships and inner turmoil of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dysfunction and personal dissatisfaction is well-established in this scene, laying the foundation for the overarching themes of the screenplay.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the internal conflicts and tensions within the family, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on family dynamics and societal pressures, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life. The focus on body image and self-acceptance adds a unique layer to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the groundwork is laid for potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her own insecurities and struggles with body image while dealing with the expectations and criticisms of her mother. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and self-confidence.

External Goal: 7

Jane's external goal in this scene is to get to school on time despite the distractions and criticisms from her mother. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in balancing her personal struggles with external pressures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily stemming from the strained relationships between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations between the characters that create tension and uncertainty about the outcome of their interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the internal struggles of the characters rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of the characters' lives and relationships, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on their toes about the outcome of the family dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between societal beauty standards and individual self-acceptance. Jane's desire to look unattractive as a form of rebellion against her mother's expectations highlights this conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of empathy and discomfort in the audience, drawing them into the emotional turmoil of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the underlying tensions between the characters, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes, witty dialogue, and emotional depth. The conflicts and dynamics between the characters draw the audience in.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of introspective moments, sharp dialogue exchanges, and visual cues that maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The exposition-heavy voiceover provides information about the characters and their relationships, which can be redundant given that the audience can infer this from their actions and dialogue.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict, making it feel somewhat aimless and lacking in dramatic tension.
  • The dialogue between Jane and Carolyn is somewhat repetitive and doesn't reveal much new information about their relationship.
  • The visual elements of the scene are not particularly striking or memorable, and the blocking of the characters is quite static.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Lester's voiceover, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing or reducing the voiceover and letting the characters' actions and dialogue convey the necessary information.
  • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene, such as Jane trying to convince her parents to let her go to a party or Lester trying to assert his authority over his family.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jane and Carolyn to make it more dynamic and revealing.
  • Incorporate more interesting visual elements into the scene, such as using different camera angles, lighting, and movement.
  • Provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene, such as having Jane and Carolyn reach a resolution to their conflict or Lester taking a stand against his family.



Scene 3 -  Lester's Job Insecurity
INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

Carolyn is driving; Jane stares out the window. Lester is
asleep in the back seat.

LESTER (V.O.)
I have lost something. I'm not
exactly sure what it is, but I know
I didn't always feel this...
sedated. But you know what? It's
never too late to get it back.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING ­ DAY

Lester sits at his workstation, a BEIGE CUBICLE surrounded
by IDENTICAL BEIGE CUBICLES. He's staring at a computer
monitor and talking on a HEADSET PHONE. The beleaguered
expression on his face is at odds with the light, friendly
tone of his voice.

LESTER
Hello, this is Lester Burnham from
Media Monthly magazine, I'm calling
for Mr. Tamblin, please?... Well,
we're all under a deadline here, uh,
but you see, there is some basic
information about the product launch
that isn't even covered in your
press release and I... Yeah. Can I
ask you a question? Who is Tamblin?
Does he exist? 'Cause he doesn't
ever seem to come in... Yeah, okay,
I'll leave my number...

BRAD, a dapper man in his thirties, approaches and observes
Lester, who is unaware of his presence.

LESTER (CONT'D)
It's 555 0199. Lester Burnham. Thank
you!

Lester disconnects the call, obviously irritated.

BRAD
Hey Les. You got a minute?

Lester turns around, smiling perfunctorily

LESTER
For you, Brad? I've got five.

INT. BRAD'S OFFICE ­ MOMENTS LATER
Brad is seated behind his desk in his big corner office.

BRAD
I'm sure you can understand our need
to cut corners around here.

Lester sits across from him, looking small and isolated.

LESTER
Oh, sure. Times are tight, and you
gotta free up cash. Gotta spend
money to make money. Right?

BRAD
Exactly. So...

Brad stands, ready to usher Lester out.

LESTER
(blurts)
Like the time when Mr. Flournoy used
the company MasterCard to pay for
that hooker, and then she used the
card numbers and stayed at the St.
Regis for, what was it, like, three
months?

BRAD
(startled)
That's unsubstantiated gossip.

LESTER
That's fifty thousand dollars.
That's somebody's salary. That's
somebody who's gonna get fired
because Craig has to pay women to
fuck him!

BRAD
Jesus. Calm down. Nobody's getting
fired yet. That's why we're having
everyone write out a job
description, mapping out in detail
how they contribute. That way,
management can assess who's valuable
and­­

LESTER
Who's expendable.

BRAD
It's just business.

LESTER
(angry)
I've been writing for this magazine
for fourteen years, Brad. You've
been here how long, a whole month?

BRAD
(frank)
I'm one of the good guys, Les. I'm
trying to level with you. This is
your one chance to save your job.

Lester stares at him, powerless.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Lester, feeling unappreciated at work, is confronted by new employee Brad about his job performance. The confrontation highlights the power dynamics between them, with Lester appearing small and isolated in Brad's office. The conflict remains unresolved, leaving Lester feeling powerless and unsure about his job security.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of visual variety
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict within the workplace, showcasing the power dynamics and personal stakes involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of corporate politics and the threat of job loss is well-executed, providing a realistic and relatable scenario for many viewers.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Lester faces a confrontation with Brad, highlighting the internal struggles and external pressures he is dealing with in his job.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on office politics and corporate dynamics, with authentic dialogue and realistic character interactions that feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Lester portrayed as a frustrated and disillusioned employee, and Brad as a manipulative and dismissive manager.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences a shift in his perspective and demeanor as he confronts Brad, showcasing a potential change in his approach to his job and life.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to assert his value and worth in the face of potential job insecurity. He wants to prove his importance and relevance in the workplace.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to navigate the power dynamics in the office and potentially save his job by confronting Brad about his concerns.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Brad is palpable, with high stakes involved as Lester fights to save his job and maintain his dignity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Brad representing a formidable obstacle for Lester to overcome in order to save his job.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Lester faces the threat of losing his job and the potential consequences of speaking out against unethical behavior in the workplace.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict and highlighting the internal struggles of the protagonist, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and confrontations between characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of corporate behavior and the value of loyalty and experience versus efficiency and cost-cutting measures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from frustration to anger to resignation, as the characters navigate the challenging dynamics of the workplace.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the power dynamics and conflicts between the characters in a realistic and engaging manner.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and conflict between characters, as well as the high stakes of potentially losing a job.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict leading to a climactic confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The opening line of Lester's voiceover is a bit too vague and could be strengthened to provide a clearer sense of what he has lost.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Brad in the office feels a bit forced and unnatural, and could be reworked to sound more conversational.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, and could benefit from a stronger sense of purpose.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow, and could be tightened up to create a more engaging experience for the reader.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be expanded to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific object or feeling that Lester has lost to make his voiceover more impactful.
  • Rephrase Lester's dialogue to make it sound more natural and spontaneous.
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene, such as Lester trying to convince Brad to keep his job.
  • Tighten up the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Expand the ending of the scene by adding a brief moment of reflection or resolution.



Scene 4 -  Tense Dinner and Strained Relationships
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ LATE AFTERNOON

A MOVING VAN is parked in front of the COLONIAL HOUSE next
door to the Burnhams'. Movers carry furniture toward the
house.

The Mercedes­Benz pulls into the Burnham driveway. Carolyn
drives, Lester is in the passenger seat.

CAROLYN
­­there is no decision, you just
write the damn thing!

LESTER
You don't think it's weird and kinda
fascist?

CAROLYN
Possibly. But you don't want to be
unemployed.

LESTER
Oh, well, let's just all sell our
souls and work for Satan, because
it's more convenient that way.

CAROLYN
Could you be just a little bit more
dramatic, please, huh?

As they get out of the car, Carolyn scopes out the MOVERS
next door.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
So we've finally got new neighbors.
You know, if the Lomans had let me
represent them, instead of­­
(heavy disdain)
­­"The Real Estate King," that house
would never have sat on the market
for six months.

She heads into the house, followed by Lester.

LESTER
Well, they were still mad at you for
cutting down their sycamore.

CAROLYN
Their sycamore? C'mon! A substantial
portion of the root structure was on
our property. You know that. How can
you call it their sycamore? I
wouldn't have the heart to just cut
down something if it wasn't
partially mine, which of course it
was.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ DINING ROOM ­ LATER THAT NIGHT

We HEAR EASY­LISTENING MUSIC.

Lester, Carolyn and Jane are eating dinner by CANDLELIGHT.
RED ROSES are bunched in a vase at the center of the table.
Nobody makes eye contact, or even seems aware of anybody
else's presence, until...

JANE
Mom, do we always have to listen to
this elevator music?

CAROLYN
(considers)
No. No, we don't. As soon as you've
prepared a nutritious yet savory
meal that I'm about to eat, you can
listen to whatever you like.

A long beat. Lester suddenly turns to Jane.

LESTER
So Janie, how was school?

JANE
(suspicious)
It was okay.

LESTER
Just okay?

JANE
No, Dad. It was spec­tac­ular.

A beat.

LESTER
Well, you want to know how things
went at my job today?

Now she looks at him as if he's lost his mind.

LESTER (CONT'D)
They've hired this efficiency
expert, this really friendly guy
named Brad, how perfect is that? And
he's basically there to make it seem
like they're justified in firing
somebody, because they couldn't just
come right out and say that, could
they? No, no, that would be too...
honest. And so they've asked us­­
(off her look)
­­you couldn't possibly care any
less, could you?

Carolyn is watching this closely.

JANE
(uncomfortable)
Well, what do you expect? You can't
all of a sudden be my best friend,
just because you had a bad day.

She gets up and heads toward the kitchen.

JANE (CONT'D)
I mean, hello. You've barely even
spoken to me for months.

She's gone. Lester notices Carolyn looking at him
critically.

LESTER
Oh, what, you're mother­of­the­year?
You treat her like an employee.

CAROLYN
(taken aback)
What?!

Lester is quiet, staring at his plate.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
(more authority)
What?

Lester gets up and starts after Jane, taking his plate with
him.
LESTER
I'm going to get some ice cream.

Carolyn watches him go, irritated.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the Burnham household, Carolyn and Lester return home to find moving vans next door, which sparks a conversation about Lester's job situation. The family sits down for a tense dinner, where Lester tries to connect with his daughter Jane, but she dismisses him. Lester gets up to get ice cream, leaving Carolyn sitting at the table, observing the interaction critically. The scene is filled with tension and strained relationships between the characters, particularly between Lester and Jane, and Lester and Carolyn.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Subtle character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the underlying tension and dissatisfaction within the family dynamic, setting up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dysfunction and communication breakdown is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for future plot developments.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the strained relationships and conflicts within the family, hinting at potential resolutions or escalations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of materialism, conformity, and individuality, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their individual personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of potential character growth or realizations, the changes are subtle and not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his individuality and push back against societal expectations and conformity. Lester's dialogue reflects his desire to resist the pressure to conform and maintain his sense of self.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the challenges of his job and maintain his integrity in the face of corporate pressure. Lester's dialogue highlights his frustration with the corporate world and his struggle to maintain his values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between family members is palpable, adding depth to the scene and setting up potential resolutions or confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in terms of family relationships and dynamics, but the immediate consequences are not fully realized in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key dynamics and conflicts within the family, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character interactions and revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around individuality vs. conformity. Lester's resistance to societal norms and corporate pressure challenges the values of materialism and conformity represented by Carolyn.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from frustration to discomfort, engaging the audience in the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, revealing their inner thoughts and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, tense character dynamics, and underlying conflicts that keep the audience invested in the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through character interactions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or dramatic tension. Lester's interaction with his daughter Jane is superficial and does not drive the story forward.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, especially Carolyn's long-winded speech about real estate. It feels more like exposition than genuine conversation.
  • The scene's pacing is slow and meandering, with no clear purpose or direction. It lacks the urgency and momentum that a good screenplay scene should have.
  • The characters' motivations are unclear. Lester's sudden interest in connecting with Jane seems forced and out of character. Jane's dismissiveness towards her father is also not fully explained.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Lester's decision to get ice cream feels like a non-sequitur and does not resolve or advance the plot in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear conflict or dramatic tension to drive the scene. For example, have Jane confront Lester about his neglect or have Carolyn face a dilemma related to her real estate business.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Cut out unnecessary exposition and focus on creating genuine interactions between the characters.
  • Tighten up the pacing of the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and actions. Create a sense of urgency and momentum that keeps the audience engaged.
  • Develop the characters' motivations more fully. Explore why Lester is suddenly trying to connect with Jane and why Jane is so dismissive of him. Give the audience a deeper understanding of their inner conflicts.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more impactful and satisfying. Have Lester's decision to get ice cream lead to a meaningful interaction or revelation that advances the plot.



Scene 5 -  Awkward Reconciliation and Unseen Surveillance
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

Jane stands at the sink, rinsing off her plate. Lester
enters.

LESTER
Honey, I'm sorry. I...

Jane turns and stares at him, waiting for him to finish.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I'm sorry I haven't been more
available, I just... I'm...

He's looking to her for a little help here, but she's too
uncomfortable with this sudden intimacy to give him any.

LESTER (CONT'D)
(finally)
You know, you don't always have to
wait for me to come to you...

JANE
Oh, great. So now it's my fault?

LESTER
I didn't say that. It's nobody's
fault. Janie, what happened? You and
I used to be pals.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

On VIDEO: We're looking through GREENHOUSE WINDOWS at Lester
and Jane in the kitchen We can't hear what they're saying,
but it's obvious it's not going well.

Jane puts her plate in the dishwasher and leaves. We FOLLOW
HER out the door, then the camera JERKS back to Lester
calling after her.

CLOSE on the face of RICKY FITTS, illuminated by the screen
of his DIGICAM as he videotapes. Ricky is eighteen, but his
eyes are much older. Beneath his Zen­like tranquility lurks
something wounded... and dangerous.

His POV, on VIDEO: Through the kitchen window, we see Lester
at the sink, rinsing off his plate, muttering to himself.
His head suddenly jerks up and he looks at us, as if he
realizes he's being watched.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester's POV: We're looking out through the kitchen window
at the point where Ricky was just standing, but he's no
longer there.

Lester turns off the faucet, dries his hands, then tosses
the towel on the counter on his way out, where it lands next
to a framed PHOTOGRAPH of Lester, Carolyn, and a much­
younger Jane, taken several years earlier at an amusement
park.

It's startling how happy they look.

EXT. SALE HOUSE ­ DAY

CLOSE on a wooden SIGN that reads:
OPEN HOUSE TODAY
BURNHAM & ASSOCIATES REALTY
555­0195 Carolyn Burnham

The sign is planted in front of a RUN­DOWN HOME in a run­
down neighborhood. The Mercedes is parked in front of the
house. Carolyn, wearing a smart business suit, is unloading
a box of cleaning supplies and a BOOMBOX from the back of
the Mercedes when something across the street catches her
eye.

Her POV: In front of a different house with much more curb
appeal is another SIGN, featuring a picture of a handsome
silver­haired MAN. It reads:

Another One SOLD By Buddy Kane
The Real Estate King 555­0100

Carolyn frowns and slams the back of the Mercedes shut.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Jane does dishes when Lester enters the kitchen to apologize for his absence and lack of intimacy, but she is uncomfortable and unresponsive, eventually leaving the room. Lester is left alone, and the neighbor Ricky Fitts is revealed to have been videotaping the interaction through the kitchen window. The scene creates a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere, highlighting the disconnection between Lester and Jane, and ends without resolving the conflict.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the underlying tensions and conflicts within the family dynamic, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dysfunction and hidden desires is well-established, setting the stage for potential character growth and revelations.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the internal struggles of the characters and hinting at potential conflicts to come, particularly with the introduction of Ricky's character.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of marital discord and suburban ennui but approaches them with fresh insight and nuanced characterizations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each grappling with their own issues and desires. Their interactions reveal layers of depth and internal conflict.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of potential character growth and change, particularly in Lester's attempts to connect with Jane, the scene primarily sets the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal is to address the breakdown in her relationship with Lester and confront her feelings of discomfort and distance. This reflects her deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to reconcile with Jane and improve their relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge of communication and intimacy within their marriage.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily stemming from the emotional distance and misunderstandings between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and unspoken tensions driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the conflict and the characters' relationships.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on internal conflicts and emotional dynamics within the family.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' complex emotions and shifting power dynamics. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved and what consequences it will have.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene presents a conflict between honesty and avoidance, as Lester and Jane struggle to communicate openly about their feelings and experiences. This challenges their beliefs about responsibility and accountability in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from discomfort to empathy, as the characters' internal struggles are laid bare.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the strained relationships and lack of communication between the characters, adding to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, subtle character dynamics, and unresolved conflicts. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in their relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's dramatic impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and camera directions enhance the scene's visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dramatic structure, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting enhance the scene's emotional impact and narrative coherence.


Critique
  • The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, especially Lester's lines. It's hard to believe that people would actually talk like this.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There's no real sense of stakes or urgency.
  • The scene is too focused on Lester and Jane. It would be more interesting if it included other characters, such as Carolyn or Ricky.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and believable.
  • Add more conflict and tension to the scene. Give the characters something to fight for or against.
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene shorter and more focused.
  • Include other characters in the scene to make it more interesting and dynamic.
  • Consider adding a twist or surprise to the scene to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 6 -  Desperate Sales Pitch in an Unsightly House
INT. SALE HOUSE ­ LIVING ROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

The interior of this house is ugly, oppressive and
tasteless. Carolyn opens the front door, breathes deeply and
solemnly announces:

CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.

She neatly arranges her sales materials on a desk, then
strips down to her undergarments.

MONTAGE:

We see Carolyn, working with fierce concentration as she:

Cleans glass doors that overlook the patio and pool;

Doggedly scrubs countertops in the kitchen;

Perches on a stepladder to dust a cheap­looking ceiling fan
in the master bedroom;

And vacuums a dirty carpet that will never be clean.

Throughout all this, she keeps repeating to herself:

CAROLYN
I will sell this house today. I will
sell this house today. I will sell
this house today.

INT. SALE HOUSE ­ BATHROOM ­ LATER

Carolyn stands in front of the mirror, wearing her suit once
more, applying lipstick. She stares at her reflection
critically.

CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.

She says this as if it were a threat, then notices a smudge
on the mirror and wipes it off.

EXT. SALE HOUSE ­ FRONT YARD ­ LATER

The front door opens to reveal Carolyn, greeting us with the
smile she thinks could sell ice to an Eskimo.

CAROLYN
Welcome. I'm Carolyn Burnham!

INT. SALE HOUSE ­ FOYER ­ CONTINUOUS
Smiling, Carolyn leads a man and woman into the living room.
They're thirtyish, and they've seen a lot of houses today.

CAROLYN
This living room is very dramatic.
Wait 'til you see the native stone
fireplace!

The man and woman glance around the dark room, unimpressed.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
A simple cream would really lighten
things up. You could even put in a
skylight.

The woman wrinkles her face, skeptical.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Well, why don't we go into the
kitchen?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Carolyn Burnham, an anxious real estate agent, prepares her sales materials and cleans the house while repeating her mantra 'I will sell this house today'. She greets potential buyers with a bright smile, pointing out the house's features and suggesting improvements. However, the buyers seem unimpressed by the ugly, oppressive, and tasteless house with dirty carpets and a cheap-looking ceiling fan. The scene ends with Carolyn leading the buyers into the kitchen, still trying to sell them on the house.
Strengths
  • Strong character development for Carolyn
  • Tension and conflict between Carolyn and the buyers
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Carolyn's character and sets up potential conflicts with the buyers, creating tension and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of selling a house serves as a metaphor for Carolyn's desire for control and success in her life, adding depth to her character.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Carolyn's sales pitch and the reactions of the potential buyers, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a real estate sale but adds a unique twist by focusing on the protagonist's internal monologue and struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Carolyn's character is well-developed through her actions and dialogue, showcasing her determination and attention to detail. The potential buyers add complexity and conflict to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While Carolyn's character is further revealed through her actions, there is minimal character change within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Carolyn's internal goal in this scene is to prove her worth and competence as a real estate agent, reflecting her deeper need for validation and success.

External Goal: 7

Carolyn's external goal in this scene is to sell the house, reflecting the immediate challenge she is facing in her job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Carolyn's optimism and the buyers' skepticism creates tension and sets the stage for potential obstacles in the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Carolyn faces skeptical buyers who challenge her sales pitch.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate as Carolyn's success in selling the house could impact her sense of control and self-worth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Carolyn's goals and potential conflicts, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Carolyn's sales pitch is uncertain, adding suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Carolyn's belief in the potential of the house and the skepticism of the potential buyers. This challenges Carolyn's values and worldview as a salesperson.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional response through Carolyn's determination and the potential challenges she faces in selling the house.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys Carolyn's sales pitch and the skepticism of the buyers, enhancing the tension and dynamics of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the tension and determination of the protagonist as she tries to sell the house.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum as Carolyn prepares to sell the house.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and actions.


Critique
  • The scene's focus on Carolyn's efforts to sell a house is clear, but the emotional connection to the overall narrative could be stronger. The scene feels somewhat disconnected from the previous one, which centered around Jane and Lester.
  • The setting and atmosphere of the house could be described in more detail to emphasize the contrast between the ugliness of the house and Carolyn's determination to sell it.
  • Carolyn's repetition of 'I will sell this house today' could be more impactful if it were connected to her inner thoughts, emotions, or motivations, which would help the audience understand her character better.
Suggestions
  • Integrate Carolyn's personal struggles or thoughts into the scene to create a stronger connection to the overall narrative. For example, she could briefly think about Lester or Jane while cleaning the house.
  • Add sensory details and descriptions of the house's interior to create a more immersive atmosphere. This could include the smell, texture, and overall ambiance of the space.
  • Develop Carolyn's character further by providing insight into her motivations for selling the house. Is she doing it for financial reasons, to prove herself, or to escape her current life?



Scene 7 -  House Showings and Parental Involvement
INT. SALE HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ LATER

Carolyn enters, followed by a different couple in their
fifties.

CAROLYN
It's a dream come true for any cook.
Just filled with positive energy.
Huh?

INT. SALE HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ LATER

Carolyn stands with a different couple: African American,
late twenties. The woman is pregnant.

CAROLYN
...and you'll be surprised how much
a ceiling fan can cut down on your
energy costs.

EXT. SALE HOUSE ­ BACK YARD ­ LATER

Carolyn stands by the pool next to two fortyish WOMEN.

CAROLYN
You know, you could have some really
fun backyard get­togethers out here.

WOMAN #1
The ad said this pool was "lagoon­
like." There's nothing "lagoon­like"
about it. Except for maybe the bugs.

WOMAN #2
There's not even any plants out
here.

CAROLYN
(re: shrub)
What do you call this? Is this not a
plant? If you have a problem with
the plants, I can always call my
landscape architect. Solved.

WOMAN #2
I mean, I think "lagoon," I think
waterfall, I think tropical. This is
a cement hole.

A beat.

CAROLYN
I have some tiki torches in the
garage.

INT. SALE HOUSE ­ SUN ROOM ­ LATER

Carolyn enters, alone. She's furious. She locks the sliding
glass door and starts to pull the vertical blinds shut, then
stops. Standing very still, with the blinds casting shadows
across her face, she starts to cry: brief, staccato SOBS
that seemingly escape against her will. Suddenly she SLAPS
herself, hard.

CAROLYN
Shut up. Stop it. You... Weak!

But the tears continue. She SLAPS herself again.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Weak. Baby. Shut up. Shut up! Shut
up!

She SLAPS herself repeatedly until she stops crying. She
stands there, taking deep breaths until she has everything
under control, then pulls the blinds shut, once again all
business. She walks out calmly, leaving us alone in the
dark, empty room.

We HEAR CHEERING and APPLAUSE.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM ­ NIGHT

We're at a high­school BASKETBALL GAME. Teenage boys play a
fast and furious game. One team wearing pale blue and white
uniforms scores a basket. Perky cheerleaders jump up and
down as the CROWD goes wild.

Seated in the bleachers, next to the high school BAND, is a
group of about twenty TEENAGE GIRLS, dressed in pale blue
and white uniforms. Among them, Jane sits next to ANGELA
HAYES. At sixteen, Angela is strikingly beautiful; with
perfect even features, blonde hair and a nubile young body,
she's the archetypal American dream girl.

Jane stands and scans the bleachers.

ANGELA
Who are you looking for?

JANE
My parents are coming tonight.
They're trying to, you know, take an
active interest in me.

ANGELA
Gross. I hate it when my mom does
that.

JANE
They're such assholes. Why can't
they just have their own lives?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Real estate agent Carolyn leads couples on a tour of a house for sale, addressing their concerns and highlighting its features. She tries to downplay the lack of a pool, becomes emotional when alone, and later slaps herself to stop crying. At a high school basketball game, Jane, seated with Angela Hayes, expresses frustration about her parents taking an active interest in her life.
Strengths
  • Deep character exploration
  • Tension building
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and frustration Carolyn is facing in her professional and personal life, providing depth to her character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing the high-pressure sales pitch with Carolyn's emotional breakdown adds complexity to the scene and enhances the audience's understanding of her character.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Carolyn's attempts to sell the house and her emotional struggle, driving the narrative forward and revealing more about her character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the real estate industry, portraying the challenges faced by agents in a competitive market. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into Carolyn's character, showcasing her professional facade and inner turmoil, making her a compelling and multi-dimensional character.

Character Changes: 6

While Carolyn experiences emotional turmoil, the scene doesn't show significant character changes, focusing more on revealing her internal struggles.

Internal Goal: 8

Carolyn's internal goal is to maintain composure and professionalism despite facing criticism and disappointment from potential buyers. This reflects her need for control and validation in her job.

External Goal: 7

Carolyn's external goal is to sell the house to potential buyers by highlighting its positive features and addressing their concerns. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing buyers to see the value in the property.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Carolyn's external sales pitch and internal emotional turmoil creates a compelling dynamic in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with potential buyers challenging Carolyn's sales pitch and expectations. The conflict adds depth to the character interactions and drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes come from Carolyn's need to sell the house and maintain her professional image, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Carolyn's character and sets up potential conflicts and developments in the narrative, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outburst from Carolyn and the shifting dynamics between the characters. The audience is unsure how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the perception of reality versus expectations. The buyers have preconceived notions about the house based on the ad, but Carolyn must navigate their disappointment and manage their expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant, especially during Carolyn's breakdown in the sunroom, adding depth to her character and engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and frustration in the scene, especially in Carolyn's interactions with the potential buyers.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, emotional depth, and realistic dialogue. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotional release. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow and builds tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is strong and has potential to add depth to Carolyn's character, but more can be done to create conflict and tension within the scene itself.
  • The dialogue is a bit repetitive and predictable, as Carolyn mostly repeats the same sales pitch to different couples.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for Carolyn, making it difficult to understand what she wants to achieve or what obstacles she faces.
  • The transition from the backyard to the sun room is abrupt and doesn't provide a smooth flow for the scene.
  • The ending, where Carolyn slaps herself and cries, feels sudden and out of character, and could benefit from more build-up and foreshadowing.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a potential buyer who is particularly difficult or skeptical, forcing Carolyn to adapt her sales pitch and creating more conflict and tension.
  • Add more variety to Carolyn's dialogue by giving her different responses and objections to the buyers' concerns.
  • Give Carolyn a specific goal or objective for the open house, such as needing to sell the house by a certain deadline or convincing a particular buyer to make an offer.
  • Use the transition from the backyard to the sun room to show Carolyn's growing frustration and desperation, building up to her emotional outburst.
  • Provide more context and motivation for Carolyn's emotional breakdown by showing her struggling with personal or professional issues that are weighing on her.



Scene 8 -  A Tense Family Outing and a Captivating Dancer
INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn drives. Lester is slumped in the passenger seat.

LESTER
What makes you so sure she wants us
to be there? Did she ask us to come?

CAROLYN
Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to
her. But she's been practicing her
steps for weeks.

LESTER
Well, I bet money she's going to
resent it. And I'm missing the James
Bond marathon on TNT.

CAROLYN
Lester, this is important. I'm
sensing a real distance growing
between you and Jane.

LESTER
Growing? She hates me.

CAROLYN
She's just willful.

LESTER
She hates you too.

Carolyn stares at him, unsure of how to respond.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM ­ LATER

The uniformed girls now stand in formation on the gym floor.

ANNOUNCER
(over P.A.)
And now, for your half­time
entertainment, Rockwell High's
award­winning Dancing Spartanettes!

In the crowded stands, Lester and Carolyn find seats.

LESTER
We can leave right after this,
right?

The HIGH SCHOOL BAND plays "ON BROADWAY." On the gym floor,
the girls perform. They're well­rehearsed, but too young to
carry off the ambitious Vegas routine they're attempting.

Lester, watching from the stands, picks out his daughter.

His POV: Jane performs well, concentrating. Dancing
awkwardly next to her is Angela. Suddenly Angela looks right
at us and smiles... a lazy, insolent smile.

Lester leans forward in his seat.

His POV: We're focused on Angela now. Everything starts to
SLOW DOWN... the MUSIC acquires an eerie ECHO...

We ZOOM slowly toward Lester as he watches, transfixed.

His POV: Angela's awkwardness gives way to a fluid grace,
and "ON BROADWAY" FADES into dreamy, hypnotic MUSIC. The
light on Angela grows stronger, and the other girls
DISAPPEAR entirely.

Lester is suddenly alone in the stands, spellbound.

His POV: Angela looks directly at us now, dancing only for
Lester. Her movements take on a blatantly erotic edge as she
starts to unzip her uniform, teasing us with an expression
that's both innocent and knowing, then... she pulls her
uniform OPEN and a profusion of RED ROSE PETALS spill
forth... and we SMASH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Coming-of-age"]

Summary In this scene, Carolyn and Lester drive to their daughter Jane's high school for her dance team's halftime performance. Lester, who would rather watch a James Bond marathon, feels alienated from Jane, while Carolyn worries about their relationship. At the performance, Lester becomes enamored with another dancer, Angela, who seems to perform only for him, ultimately revealing a shower of red rose petals. The scene ends with a sudden cut to black, leaving Lester's fascination with Angela as an unresolved thread.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel disjointed due to multiple storylines being introduced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the complex dynamics within the family, introduces tension and emotional depth, and sets up potential conflicts and character arcs.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dysfunction, teenage rebellion, and societal pressures is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions, revealing underlying tensions and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics through the lens of a high school dance performance, with a surreal twist that adds depth to the characters' relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are multi-dimensional, with conflicting emotions and desires that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle shifts in the characters' attitudes and behaviors, hinting at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to connect with his daughter Jane and understand her better. This reflects his deeper desire for a meaningful relationship with his family.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to attend his daughter's dance performance and support her, despite his initial reluctance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily in the strained relationships between family members and the internal struggles of the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Lester's internal conflict and the external challenge of supporting his daughter despite his personal reservations.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and relational consequences for the characters are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening existing relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden shift in tone and the dreamlike sequence that catches the audience off guard.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of family dynamics and the struggle to communicate and understand each other's perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and awkwardness to longing and desperation, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' inner thoughts and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes, the surreal imagery, and the tension between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of emotions and a climactic moment that holds the audience's attention.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment in a screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene does not establish Jane and Angela's motivations for their behavior. Why is Jane practicing her steps for weeks? Why does Angela smile at Lester? What are their goals?
  • The scene lacks tension. The conflict between Lester and Carolyn about whether Jane wants them to be there is resolved too easily. There is no sense of urgency or stakes.
  • The dialogue is mostly expository. Carolyn explains Jane's motivation for practicing her steps, and Lester complains about missing the James Bond marathon. There is little conflict or tension in the dialogue.
  • The scene does not advance the plot. It simply sets up the conflict between Lester and Jane, which is not resolved by the end of the scene.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by removing the exposition and focusing on the conflict between Lester and Jane.
Suggestions
  • Add more detail to Jane and Angela's motivations. What do they want? What are their goals?
  • Increase the tension in the scene. Make the conflict between Lester and Carolyn more heated. Raise the stakes so that the audience has a sense of urgency.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository. Avoid using exposition to explain characters' motivations. Instead, let the characters reveal their motivations through their actions and dialogue.
  • Shorten the scene by removing the exposition and focusing on the conflict between Lester and Jane.
  • Consider adding a twist to the scene. Something unexpected that will keep the audience guessing.



Scene 9 -  Awkward Encounter in the Parking Lot
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela, fully clothed, is once again surrounded by the other
girls. The HIGH SCHOOL BAND plays its last note, the Dancing
Spartanettes strike their final pose, and the audience
APPLAUDS.

Carolyn claps along with the rest of the audience. Lester
just sits there, unable to take his eyes off Angela.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM ­ LATER

The game is long over. Jane and Angela come out of the gym.

JANE
Oh shit, they're still here.

Her POV: Lester and Carolyn stand at the edge of the parking
lot.

LESTER
Janie!

CAROLYN
Hi! I really enjoyed that!

She crosses reluctantly toward her parents, followed by
Angela.

LESTER
Congratulations, honey, you were
great.

JANE
I didn't win anything.

LESTER
(to Angela)
Hi, I'm Lester. Janie's dad.

ANGELA
Oh. Hi.

An awkward beat.

JANE
This is my friend, Angela Hayes.

LESTER
Okay, good to meet you. You were
also good tonight. Very... precise.

ANGELA
(warming)
Thanks.

CAROLYN
(to Angela)
Nice to meet you, Angela.
(to Jane)
Honey, I'm so proud of you. I
watched you very closely, and you
didn't screw up once.
(then, to Lester)

Okay, we have to go.

She starts toward the parking lot. Lester stays behind.

LESTER
So, what are you girls doing now?

JANE
Dad.

ANGELA
We're going out for pizza.

LESTER
Oh really, do you need a ride? We
can give you a ride. I have a car.
You wanna come with us?

ANGELA
Thanks... but I have a car.

LESTER
Oh, you have a car. Oh. That's
great! That's great, because Janie's
thinking about getting a car soon
too, aren't you, honey?

JANE
(you freak)
Dad. Mom's waiting for you.

LESTER
Well, it was very nice meeting you,
Angela. Any, uh, friend of Janie's
is a friend of mine.

Angela smiles, aware of the power she has over him. He is
mesmerized; grateful, even.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Well... I'll be seeing you around
then.

Lester waves awkwardly as he crosses off.

JANE
Could he be any more pathetic?

ANGELA
I think it's sweet. And I think he
and your mother have not had sex in
a long time.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene opens inside the high school gymnasium, where Angela is surrounded by girls after a dance performance. The setting then shifts to the parking lot, where Angela meets Jane's parents, Lester and Carolyn. Lester, who is overly eager to please, tries to connect with Angela and invites her for a ride, but Angela declines. Lester's behavior creates tension and embarrassment, particularly for Jane, who is embarrassed by her father's actions. The scene ends with Angela declining Lester's invitation, and Lester awkwardly waving goodbye.
Strengths
  • Effective character development
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Tension and awkwardness in interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot progression
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the complex dynamics within the family and introduces a sense of tension and awkwardness that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family relationships, infatuation, and awkward interactions is well-executed and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showcasing the strained relationships within the family and introducing new dynamics between characters.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the typical high school interaction trope by infusing it with humor and subtle character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique traits and motivations that drive their interactions in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

There is a subtle shift in the dynamics between the characters, particularly in Lester's infatuation with Angela and the strained relationship between him and Jane.

Internal Goal: 8

Angela's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkward interaction with Lester, Jane's father, while also asserting her independence and confidence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go out for pizza with her friend Jane.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily stemming from the strained relationships and awkward interactions between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the interaction between Angela and Lester.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the strained relationships and potential conflicts set the stage for future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected dynamics between Angela and Lester, as well as the humorous twist in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power dynamics between Angela and Lester, as well as the underlying tension between parents and teenagers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, awkwardness, and bittersweet moments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, awkwardness, and humor present in the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, subtle humor, and the underlying tension between characters that keeps the audience invested in the interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the interactions between characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay, effectively building tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It seems to be a continuation of Lester's infatuation with Angela, but it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is awkward and unnatural. Lester's attempts to connect with Angela come across as creepy and uncomfortable.
  • Angela's character is not well-developed. She is portrayed as a sexual object for Lester, but we don't learn anything about her personality or motivations.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with no sense of closure or resolution.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What do you want the audience to learn or feel?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using clichés or stilted language.
  • Develop Angela's character more. Give her a clear personality and motivations. Make her more than just a sexual object for Lester.
  • End the scene with a sense of closure or resolution. Tie up any loose ends and leave the audience with a sense of satisfaction.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action. Focus on the essential elements that drive the story forward.



Scene 10 -  Lester's Awakening and Angela's Aspirations
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ A FEW HOURS LATER

CLOSE on a solitary red ROSE PETAL as it falls slowly
through the air.

We're looking down on Lester and Carolyn in bed. Even in
sleep, Carolyn looks determined. Lester is awake and stares
up at us.

LESTER
It's the weirdest thing.

The ROSE PETAL drifts into view, landing on his pillow.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I feel like I've been in a coma for
about twenty years, and I'm just now
waking up.

More ROSE PETALS fall onto the bed, and he smiles up at...

His POV: Angela, naked, FLOATS above us as a deluge of ROSE
PETALS falls around her. Her hair fans out around her head
and GLOWS with a subtle, burnished light. She looks down at
us with a smile that is all things...

Lester smiles back and LAUGHS, as ROSE PETALS cover his
face.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Spec­tac­ular.
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ CONTINUOUS

A WHITE BMW 328si CONVERTIBLE is parked on the street
outside the Burnham's house. We HEAR girlish LAUGHTER from
inside.

INT. ANGELA'S BMW ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela is behind the wheel, Jane in the passenger seat.
They're passing a JOINT back and forth.

JANE
I'm sorry my dad was so weird
tonight.

ANGELA
It's okay. I'm used to guys drooling
over me. It started when I was about
twelve, I'd go out to dinner with my
parents. Every Thursday night, Red
Lobster. And every guy there would
stare at me when I walked in. And I
knew what they were thinking. Just
like I knew guys at school thought
about me when they jerked off.

JANE
Vomit.

ANGELA
No, I liked it. And I still like it.
If people I don't even know look at
me and want to fuck me, it means I
really have a shot at being a model.
Which is great, because there's
nothing worse in life than being
ordinary.

An awkward beat. Jane stares at the floor.

JANE
I really think it'll happen for you.

ANGELA
Oh, I know. Because everything that
was meant to happen, does.
Eventually.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Lester wakes up and reflects on his mundane life, while Angela shares her dreams of becoming a model. The scene shifts from the Burnham's master bedroom to Angela's BMW, where she and Jane pass a joint and talk about men staring at Angela. Visually, the scene features a solitary red rose petal, Angela floating above Lester's bed, and the two girls driving away in Angela's car. The tone is introspective and contemplative, with a touch of surrealism.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of awkward pacing
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the characters' internal struggles and desires through dialogue and visual imagery, creating a sense of unease and introspection.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of awakening to one's true desires and the contrast between stagnation and ambition is well-developed and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and revelations, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its unique blend of dreamlike imagery, introspective dialogue, and thematic exploration of conformity vs. individuality. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and reflective of their inner struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each grappling with their own internal conflicts and desires. Their interactions reveal layers of vulnerability and longing.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience subtle shifts in their perspectives and desires, hinting at potential growth and transformation in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to break free from his mundane life and awaken to his true desires and emotions. This reflects his deeper need for fulfillment and authenticity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to connect with Angela and escape the constraints of his marriage and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains internal conflicts within the characters as they grapple with their desires and frustrations, setting the stage for future external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming to the point of predictability. The characters face obstacles that challenge their beliefs and desires.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and psychological stakes for the characters are significant as they confront their inner truths and desires.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' internal conflicts and setting up future developments in their relationships and aspirations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges conventional norms and expectations, leading to unexpected character revelations and interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between conformity and individuality. Lester is torn between living a conventional life and pursuing his true desires, while Angela embraces her uniqueness and desires to stand out.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from melancholy to hope, as the characters confront their inner truths and desires.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and revealing, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts with authenticity and depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' inner conflicts and desires, blending fantasy and reality to create a compelling narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing introspective moments with dynamic dialogue, creating a rhythmic flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition between scenes could be smoother. The last line of the previous scene and the first line of this scene don't have a clear connection, making the shift feel abrupt.
  • The dialogue in the car scene before this one seemed more natural and realistic, while the dialogue in this scene feels a bit exaggerated and unnatural for teenage girls. The conversation about men staring at Angela and her aspiration to be a model could be more nuanced and less explicit.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to help set the mood and create a stronger sense of place. For example, describing the interior of the car, the lighting, or the expressions on the characters' faces.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that bridges the gap between the previous scene and this one, to make the transition feel more natural.
  • Tone down the explicitness of the dialogue about men staring at Angela and her aspiration to be a model. Make the conversation more subtle and nuanced, allowing the reader to infer the subtext.
  • Add more visual descriptions to the scene to help set the mood and create a stronger sense of place. Describe the interior of the car, the lighting, or the expressions on the characters' faces.



Scene 11 -  Invasion of Privacy and Unwanted Attention
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

On VIDEO: Jane gets out of the car, still LAUGHING, and
waves as Angela pulls away. We ZOOM toward Jane as she walks
up the driveway. She turns suddenly, sensing our presence.

Her POV: We're looking at the COLONIAL HOUSE next door where
the moving van was parked earlier. The front porch is
shrouded in darkness... then a PORCH LIGHT abruptly reveals
Ricky. As usual, he's dressed conservatively. There is a
BEEPER attached to his belt, and his DIGICAM dangles loosely
around his neck.

Irritated, Jane stares at him, hard.

JANE
Asshole.

He looks back at her curiously, then raises his Digicam and
starts to videotape her.

His POV, on VIDEO: Jane, angry and self­conscious, turns and
walks quickly toward her house, flipping us off as she goes.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FOYER ­ CONTINUOUS
Jane enters, closes and locks the door. She quickly TURNS
OFF THE LIGHT that's been left on for her, then peeks
through a window.

Her POV: There's no sign of Ricky.

Jane turns back into the room, her heart racing... and
smiles.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ THE NEXT MORNING

CLOSE on an ADDRESS BOOK: A man's hand flips to the H page
and then his finger stops at the name Angela Hayes.

Lester, dressed for work, goes through Jane's address book.
We HEAR the SHOWER running in the adjacent bathroom. He
grabs Jane's phone and dials, then stands with the receiver
to his ear, nervous.

ANGELA
(over phone line)
Hello? Hello?

Lester is frozen, unable to speak. Suddenly, the SHOWER is
turned off in the next room. Lester hangs up and exits
quickly. A moment, then the PHONE RINGS. Jane emerges from
the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her torso, drying her
wet hair. She picks up the PHONE.

JANE
Hello?

INT. HAYES HOUSE ­ ANGELA'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela is sprawled across her bed, on the phone.

ANGELA
Why'd you call me?

INTERCUT WITH JANE IN HER BEDROOM:

JANE
I didn't.

ANGELA
Well, my phone just rang and I
answered it and somebody hung up and
then I star sixty­nined and it
called you back.

JANE
I was in the shower.

Then Jane notices her address book open to the H page.

JANE (CONT'D)
Oh, gross.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

On VIDEO: We're across from Jane's WINDOW, looking in. Jane
picks up the address book, frowning. She speaks into the
phone, but we can't hear her.

WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
(sing song)
Rick­y! Break­fast!

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky stands at his window, videotaping. He lowers his
Digicam, but his eyes remain locked on Jane across the way.
RICKY
Be right there.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

BARBARA FITTS stands at the stove, flipping bacon strips
mechanically, her eyes focused elsewhere. At least ten years
younger than her husband, she's pretty in a June Cleaver­ish
way. The Colonel sits at a dinette reading The Wall Street
Journal. Ricky enters.

RICKY
Mom.

Startled, Barbara turns to him.

BARBARA
Hello.

As she attempts to serve him bacon:

RICKY
I don't eat bacon, remember?

BARBARA
(unnerved)
I'm sorry, I must have forgotten.

Ricky serves himself scrambled eggs from another pan, then
joins his father at the table.

RICKY
What's new in the world, Dad?

COLONEL
This country is going straight to
hell.

A DOORBELL rings. The Colonel and Barbara look at each
other, alarmed.

COLONEL (CONT'D)
Are you expecting anyone?

BARBARA
No.
(thinks)
No.

The Colonel heads toward the living room, a little puffed
up.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jane Burnham returns home to find her neighbor, Ricky Fitts, filming her from his porch. After entering her house, she discovers her address book open to her friend Angela's name, and realizes that Lester, her dad, had accidentally called Angela while snooping through Jane's things. This invasion of privacy creates tension between Jane and Lester. Meanwhile, Ricky's continued filming of Jane without her consent makes her uncomfortable, and the scene ends with him still watching and recording her from his window.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Effective use of video surveillance as a storytelling device
  • Tension and emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of awkward dialogue
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple storylines and conflicts, introduces key characters, and creates a tense and emotional atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using video surveillance to reveal character interactions and inner thoughts is innovative and adds depth to the storytelling.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of new conflicts and character dynamics, setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of privacy and surveillance, with unique character dynamics and a suspenseful atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters show subtle changes in their behavior and relationships, hinting at potential growth or conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and privacy despite feeling violated by Ricky's surveillance. This reflects her desire for autonomy and control over her own life.

External Goal: 7

Jane's external goal is to avoid confrontation with Ricky and protect her personal space. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with an intrusive neighbor.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple conflicts present, both internal and external, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing conflicting desires and values that create obstacles to their goals. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of personal relationships, career decisions, and family dynamics, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and tensions that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motives and conflicting actions, keeping the audience guessing about their true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between privacy and surveillance. Jane values her privacy and autonomy, while Ricky's actions challenge these values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to empathy, making it engaging for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals character traits and relationships effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing character dynamics. The conflict between characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation between characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and plot progression. It effectively builds tension and suspense through its pacing and narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a strong narrative arc. It simply introduces a conflict between Jane and Ricky, without any resolution or development.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. Characters speak in a way that is not believable or engaging.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual elements (the video camera, the open address book) to convey information. This can be effective in some cases, but it can also be a crutch for writers who are unable to create compelling characters and dialogue.
  • The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be easily cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene's ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader with no sense of closure or resolution.
  • Overall, this scene is a missed opportunity. It has the potential to be a turning point in the relationship between Jane and Ricky, but it fails to deliver on that promise.
Suggestions
  • Strengthen the narrative arc by giving the scene a clear goal and resolution.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Use visual elements to support the narrative, but don't rely on them to carry the entire scene.
  • Advance the plot by introducing new information or developing existing conflicts.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that leaves the reader with a sense of closure or resolution.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it is not essential to the story.



Scene 12 -  The Colonel's Homophobia and Ricky's Introduction
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ FOYER ­ MOMENTS LATER

The Colonel opens the front door to reveal the two JIMS.

JIM #1
Hi.

JIM #2
Welcome to the neighborhood.

Jim #1 holds out a basket filled with flowers, vegetables
and a small white cardboard box tied with raffia.

JIM #1
Just a little something from our
garden.

JIM #2
Except for the pasta, we got that at
Fallaci's.
JIM #1
It's unbelievably fresh. You just
drop it in the water and it's done.

The Colonel stares at them, suspicious.

JIM #1 (CONT'D)
(offers his hand)
Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down. Welcome
to the neighborhood.

COLONEL
(shakes)
Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine
Corps.

JIM #1
Nice to meet you. And this is my
partner...

JIM #2
(offers his hand)
Jim Berkley, but people call me J.B.

COLONEL
Let's cut to the chase, okay? What
are you guys selling?

JIM #2
(after a beat)
Nothing. We just wanted to say hi to
our new neighbors­­

COLONEL
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you said
you're partners. So what's your
business?

The Jims look at each other, then back at the Colonel.

JIM #1
Well, he's a tax attorney.

JIM #2
And he's an anesthesiologist.

The Colonel looks at them, confused. Then it dawns on him.

INT. COLONEL'S FORD EXPLORER ­ LATER

The Colonel drives, staring darkly at the road ahead. In the
passenger seat, Ricky is using a CALCULATOR and jotting
numbers down in a NOTEBOOK.

COLONEL
How come these faggots always have
to rub it in your face? How can they
be so shameless?

RICKY
That's the whole thing, Dad. They
don't feel like it's anything to be
ashamed of.

The Colonel looks at Ricky sharply.

COLONEL
Well, it is.

A beat, as Ricky continues his calculations, before he
realizes a response is expected from him. Then:

RICKY
Yeah, you're right.

The Colonel's eyes flash angrily.

COLONEL
Don't placate me like I'm your
mother, boy.

Ricky sighs, then looks at his father.

RICKY
Forgive me, sir, for speaking so
bluntly, but those fags make me want
to puke my fucking guts out.

The Colonel is taken aback but quickly covers.

COLONEL
Me too, son. Me too.

Case closed, Ricky goes back to his calculations.

CLOSE on the pencil in his hands: He's totaling two columns
of NUMBERS. Under the column "Income" he writes in swift,
bold strokes: $24,950.00.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAMPUS ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

Jane and Angela are standing with two other TEENAGE GIRLS.

ANGELA
I'm serious, he just pulled down his
pants and yanked it out. You know,
like, say hello to Mr. Happy.

TEENAGE GIRL #1
Gross.

ANGELA
It wasn't gross. It was kind of
cool.

TEENAGE GIRL #1
So, did you do it with him?

ANGELA
Of course I did. He is a really
well­known photographer? He shoots
for Elle on like, a regular basis?
It would have been so majorly stupid
of me to turn him down.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
You are a total prostitute.

ANGELA
Hey. That's how things really are.
You just don't know, because you're
this pampered little suburban chick.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
So are you. You've only been in
Seventeen once, and you looked fat,
so stop acting like you're goddamn
Christy Turlington.

The two TEENAGE GIRLS move away from Jane and Angela.

ANGELA
(calling off)
Cunt!
(then)
I am so sick of people taking their
insecurities out on me.

The Colonel's Ford Explorer pulls up, and Ricky gets out.

JANE
Oh my God. That's the pervert who
filmed me last night.

ANGELA
Him? Jane. No way. He's a total
lunatic.

JANE
You know him?

ANGELA
Yeah. We were on the same lunch
shift when I was in ninth grade, and
he would always say the most random,
weird things, and then one day, he
was just like, gone. And then,
Connie Cardullo told me he his
parents had to put him in a mental
institution.

JANE
Why? What did he do?

ANGELA
What do you mean?

JANE
Well, they can't put you away just
for saying weird things.

Angela stares at Jane, then her mouth widens into a smile.

ANGELA
You total slut. You've got a crush
on him.

JANE
What? Please.

ANGELA
You were defending him! You love
him. You want to have like, ten
thousand of his babies.

JANE
Shut up.

Jane suddenly finds Ricky standing in front of her.

RICKY
Hi. My name's Ricky. I just moved
next door to you.

JANE
I know. I kinda remember this really
creepy incident when you were
filming me last night?

RICKY
I didn't mean to scare you. I just
think you're interesting.

Angela shoots a wide­eyed look at Jane, who ignores it.

JANE
Thanks, but I really don't need to
have some psycho obsessing about me
right now.
RICKY
I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.

He looks at her intently, his eyes searching hers. Jane is
unnerved and has to look away. Ricky smiles and walks off.

ANGELA
What a freak. And why does he dress
like a Bible salesman?

JANE
He's like, so confident. That can't
be real.

ANGELA
I don't believe him. I mean, he
didn't even like, look at me once.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The Colonel meets his new neighbors, Jim #1 and Jim #2, who bring a basket of gifts, but the Colonel mistakenly assumes they are selling something and reveals his homophobia. Later, Ricky is shown calculating numbers, and the Colonel expresses his disgust towards gay people. At school, Jane and Angela discuss Ricky, who approaches Jane and introduces himself, leaving Jane uncomfortable and intrigued. The scene highlights the Colonel's homophobia and Jane's unease towards Ricky.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched character interactions
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple conflicts and tensions between characters, introduces intriguing secrets, and maintains a darkly humorous tone throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the facade of suburban life, family dysfunction, and hidden desires is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of new characters, conflicts, and secrets, keeping the audience intrigued.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh situations and approaches to familiar themes of prejudice and acceptance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations, secrets, and conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics, no significant character transformation occurs in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the social dynamics and expectations of the neighborhood while dealing with his own prejudices and insecurities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to understand and control the situation with the new neighbors, who he perceives as a threat or challenge to his beliefs and values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with interpersonal conflicts, tensions, and secrets, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and beliefs creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the characters' secrets, desires, and relationships, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, conflicts, and secrets that propel the story forward and deepen the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between traditional values and acceptance of diversity. The protagonist's rigid beliefs are challenged by the openness and acceptance of the new neighbors.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, humor, and intrigue.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and relationships effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, tension between characters, and the development of conflicts and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, developing character relationships, and advancing the plot.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene transitions are abrupt and could be smoother, making it harder for the reader to follow.
  • The Colonel's homophobia is over-exaggerated and stereotypical, which may not resonate well with audiences today.
  • Ricky's characterization is inconsistent; he goes from being a calculating individual to a seemingly carefree teenager.
  • The dialogue between the teenage girls seems unnatural and forced, with some lines appearing overly dramatic.
Suggestions
  • Smoother scene transitions can be achieved by adding brief descriptions of time and place, allowing the reader to better follow the story.
  • Consider toning down the Colonel's homophobia and presenting it in a more nuanced way, making him a more believable character.
  • Ensure consistency in Ricky's characterization by maintaining his calculating demeanor throughout the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue between the teenage girls to make it sound more natural and relatable, avoiding overly dramatic lines.



Scene 13 -  A Night of Tension and Pretense: The Fitts and Burnhams' Struggles
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ DEN ­ THAT NIGHT

CLOSE on a TV SCREEN: "Hogan's Heroes" on Nick at Nite.

The Colonel and Barbara are seated on a couch, watching
television. The Colonel is smiling, enjoying the show;
Barbara just stares. The Colonel CHUCKLES at a joke and
startles her.

We HEAR a door opening elsewhere in the house, and Ricky
enters.

RICKY
Hey.

He sits on the couch, next to his father, and watches TV
along with them. The Colonel's smile fades.

BARBARA
(out of the blue)
I'm sorry, what?

RICKY
Mom. Nobody said anything.

BARBARA
Oh. I'm sorry.

The three of them stare at the TV, like strangers in an
airport.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM ­ NIGHT

We HEAR MUSIC under a room full of people all talking at
once, as Lester and Carolyn enter a hotel ballroom. We
FOLLOW THEM as they pass a SIGN that reads:

GREATER ROCKWELL REALTOR RESOURCES GROUP

CAROLYN
­­everyone here is with their spouse
or their significant other. How
would it look if I showed up with no
one?

LESTER
Well, you always end up ignoring me
and going off­­

Inside the ballroom, well­dressed real estate professionals
stand in clumps, chatting. Catering waiters serve hors
d'eouvres.

CAROLYN
Now listen to me. This is an
important business function. As you
know, my business is selling an
image. And part of my job is to live
that image­­

LESTER
Just say whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.

CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Hi, Shirley!
(to Lester)
Listen, just do me a favor. Act
happy tonight?

LESTER
(grins stupidly)
I am happy, honey.

Carolyn's jaw tightens, then:

CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Oh! Buddy!

She drags Lester toward a silver­haired MAN and his much
younger WIFE. We recognize the Man as BUDDY KANE, The Real
Estate King.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
(shakes Buddy's hand)
Buddy! Buddy. Hi! Good to see you
again.

BUDDY
It's so good to see you too,
Catherine.

CAROLYN
Carolyn.

BUDDY
Carolyn! Of course. How are you?

CAROLYN
Very well, thank you.
(to his wife)
Hello, Christy.

CHRISTY
Hello.

CAROLYN
My husband, Lester­­

BUDDY
(shakes Lester's hand)
It's a pleasure.

LESTER
Oh, we've met before, actually. This
thing last year. Or the Christmas
thing at the Sheraton.

BUDDY
Oh, yes.

LESTER
It's okay. I wouldn't remember me
either.

He LAUGHS. A little too loudly. Carolyn quickly joins in.
CAROLYN
(forced gaiety)
Honey. Don't be weird.

She smiles her most winning smile at him. He knows this
persona well, only it's never pissed him off as much as it
does right now.

LESTER
All right, honey. I won't be weird.
(his face close to hers)
I'll be whatever you want me to be.

And he kisses her­­a soft, warm kiss that speaks
unmistakably of sex­­then turns to the others and grins.

LESTER (CONT'D)
We have a very healthy relationship.

BUDDY
I see.

Carolyn's smile is frozen on her face.

LESTER
Well. I don't know about you, but I
need a drink.

He crosses off. Carolyn, Buddy and Christy watch him go.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the Fitts' den, Colonel Fitts, Barbara, and Ricky watch TV with tension, while Lester and Carolyn attend a realtor event, pretending to be a happy couple. Lester becomes uncomfortable and kisses Carolyn to prove their relationship's health, while the Fitts family's conflicts remain unresolved. The scene highlights the characters' struggles in their personal and professional lives, creating a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Subtle tension between characters
  • Realistic portrayal of strained relationships
  • Effective use of dialogue to convey emotions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot development
  • Limited character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and discomfort between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of portraying a dysfunctional relationship in a public setting adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as we see the strained dynamic between Lester and Carolyn unfold in a social setting, hinting at underlying issues within their marriage.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh approaches to the theme of appearances versus reality, with nuanced character interactions and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Carolyn are well-developed, showcasing their internal struggles and the facade they maintain in public.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, we see glimpses of the internal struggles faced by Lester and Carolyn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of happiness and success, despite feeling disconnected and unhappy in his marriage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a social event with his wife and maintain a professional image in front of colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Lester and Carolyn is subtly portrayed through their interactions and the facade they maintain, hinting at deeper issues within their relationship.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the internal conflicts and dynamics between the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the strained relationship between Lester and Carolyn, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shifts in character dynamics and the underlying tensions that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the facade of happiness and success that the characters present to the world, contrasting with their internal struggles and unhappiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of discomfort and tension, making the audience empathize with the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and awkwardness between the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and emotional depth conveyed through the characters' interactions, keeping the audience invested in their struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the internal and external conflicts that will drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what the main conflict or goal is.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and forced, making it difficult to connect with the characters.
  • The characters' motivations and relationships are underdeveloped, making it difficult to engage with the scene.
  • The transitions between the different locations and characters are abrupt and jarring.
  • The pacing is slow and uneventful, creating a sense of boredom and disinterest.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clear conflict or goal for the scene to provide a sense of purpose and direction.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable, reflecting the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and relationships to make them more relatable and engaging.
  • Use smoother transitions between locations and characters to create a cohesive and engaging narrative.
  • Tighten the pacing by removing unnecessary details and focusing on the most significant moments.



Scene 14 -  Lester's Unconventional Encounters: Marijuana and a New Neighbor
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Lester stands at the bar. A bartender pours him a drink.

LESTER
Whoa. Put a little more in there,
cowboy.

The bartender complies. Lester takes his drink and turns to
face the center of the room.

His POV: Carolyn is talking to Buddy and Christy. She's on:
smiling, animated, LAUGHING too loud at their jokes.

Lester shakes his head. Ricky approaches him, wearing a
waiter's uniform, carrying a tray of empty glasses.

RICKY
Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin
Hood Trail? The house with the red
door?

LESTER
(suspicious)
Yeah.

RICKY
I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved into
the house next to you.

LESTER
Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I'm Lester
Burnham.

RICKY
Hi, Lester Burnham.

A beat. Lester looks away, scans the crowd, then downs the
rest of his drink in one gulp. Ricky just stands there,
watching him. Finally Lester turns back to Ricky: what does
this kid want?
RICKY (CONT'D)
Do you party?

LESTER
Excuse me?

RICKY
Do you get high?

Lester's surprised, but instantly intrigued.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Carolyn and Buddy are deep in conversation. Christy has
wandered off. Carolyn is nervous; Buddy seems amused.

CAROLYN
You know, I probably wouldn't even
tell you this if I weren't a little
tipsy, but... I am in complete awe
of you. I mean, your firm is, hands
down, the Rolls Royce of local Real
Estate firms, and your personal
sales record is, is, is very
intimidating. You know, I'd love to
sit down with you and just pick your
brain, if you'd ever be willing. I
suppose, technically, I'm the
"competition," but... I mean, hey, I
don't flatter myself that I'm even
in the same league as you...

BUDDY
I'd love to.

CAROLYN
(shocked)
Really?

BUDDY
Absolutely. Call my secretary and
have her schedule a lunch.

CAROLYN
I'll do that. Thank you.

They look at each other for a beat, then look away. This
situation is loaded and they both know it.

EXT. HOTEL ­ LATER

Ricky and Lester stand next to a dumpster behind the service
entrance to the hotel, smoking a JOINT.

LESTER
...did you ever see that movie,
where the body's walking around
holding its own head? And then the
head goes down on that babe?

RICKY
Re­Animator.

Suddenly, the service entrance opens, and a large CATERING
BOSS in a cheap suit peers out at them. Ricky hides the
joint.

CATERING BOSS
(to Ricky)
Look. I'm not paying you to...
(eyes Lester, suspiciously)
...do whatever it is you're doing
out here.

RICKY
Fine. So don't pay me.

CATERING BOSS
Excuse me?

RICKY
I quit. So you don't have to pay me.
Now, leave me alone.

CATERING BOSS
Asshole.

He goes back inside. Lester looks at Ricky, who shrugs.

LESTER
I think you just became my personal
hero.
(then)
Doesn't that make you nervous, just
quitting your job like that? Well, I
guess when you're all of, what?
Sixteen?

RICKY
Eighteen.
(then)
I just do these gigs as a cover. I
have other sources of income. But my
dad interferes less in my life when
I pretend to be an upstanding young
citizen with a respectable job.

CAROLYN (O.C.)
Lester?

Carolyn is standing in the open service entrance. Lester
quickly hides the joint behind his back.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
What are you doing?

LESTER
Honey, this is...
(laughs)
Ricky Fitts. This is Ricky Fitts.

RICKY
I'm Ricky Fitts, I just moved in the
house next to you. I go to school
with your daughter.

LESTER
With Jane? Really?

RICKY
Yeah. Jane.

CAROLYN
Hi.
(then, to Lester)
I'm ready to go. I'll meet you out
front.

And she goes back inside.

LESTER
Uh­oh. I'm in trouble. Nice meeting
you, Ricky Fitts. Thanks for the,
uh, thing.
RICKY
Any time.

Lester goes inside.

RICKY (CONT'D)
(calls after him)
Lester. If you want any more, you
know where I live.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this lighthearted and humorous scene, Lester orders a drink at the hotel bar and observes his wife, Carolyn, being overly enthusiastic while talking to Buddy and Christy. Meanwhile, Lester meets Ricky, a new neighbor, and they bond over smoking marijuana behind the hotel, getting caught by a catering boss. Lester introduces Ricky to Carolyn, and they part ways, leaving behind unresolved conflicts and a hint of tension. The scene is filled with key pieces of dialogue, visual elements, and ends with Lester returning inside to Carolyn.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of awkward interactions
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Revealing hidden motivations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the awkwardness and tension between characters, setting up intriguing dynamics and revealing hidden motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of awkward encounters and hidden motivations is well executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interactions between characters, especially with the introduction of Ricky and the tension between Lester and Carolyn.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh dynamics and conflicts within familiar social settings, showcasing authentic character actions and dialogue that feel original and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics, there are no significant changes in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of connection or escape from his mundane life. He is intrigued by Ricky's offer to 'party' and 'get high,' which reflects his desire for excitement and change.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to navigate social interactions and maintain appearances, especially in front of his wife Carolyn. He also faces the challenge of balancing his desire for excitement with his responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, particularly in the interactions between characters and their hidden motivations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and actions, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with tensions rising between characters but no immediate life-threatening situations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, revealing hidden motivations, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and revelations between characters, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene presents a conflict between conformity and rebellion, as seen in Ricky's nonchalant attitude towards authority and Lester's internal struggle with societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from awkwardness to intrigue, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the awkwardness and tension between characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding interactions and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for character interactions to unfold naturally and drive the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying character actions and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and character development within the social setting of a hotel ballroom.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Lester at the bar, which is a good way to establish the setting. However, the dialogue between Lester and the bartender is a bit wooden and unnatural. It would be more effective if the dialogue was more concise and to the point, focusing on Lester's need for a drink.
  • The transition to Ricky approaching Lester is a bit abrupt. It would be more effective if there was a beat in between, where Lester takes a moment to compose himself after ordering his drink.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Ricky is a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more effective if the dialogue was more natural and conversational, with less exposition.
  • The scene ends with Lester and Ricky smoking a joint behind the service entrance of the hotel. This is a bit of a strange and abrupt ending. It would be more effective if the scene ended with Lester and Ricky parting ways, or with Lester going back to Carolyn.
  • The scene is missing a clear conflict or goal. What does Lester want from Ricky? What does Ricky want from Lester? This lack of conflict makes the scene feel a bit aimless and pointless.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more concise and to-the-point dialogue between Lester and the bartender, focusing on Lester's need for a drink.
  • Add a beat in between Lester ordering his drink and Ricky approaching him, where Lester takes a moment to compose himself.
  • Make the dialogue between Lester and Ricky more natural and conversational, with less exposition.
  • End the scene with Lester and Ricky parting ways, or with Lester going back to Carolyn.
  • Give the scene a clear conflict or goal. What does Lester want from Ricky? What does Ricky want from Lester?



Scene 15 -  Awkward Encounter: Lester's Attraction to Angela
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FAMILY ROOM ­ LATER

Jane and Angela are watching MTV. We HEAR the back door
open.

JANE
Oh, shit. They're home. Quick, let's
go up to my room.

Jane switches off the TV.

ANGELA
I should say hi to your dad.
(off Jane's look)
I don't want to be rude.

She starts toward the kitchen. Jane doesn't like this.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester enters and opens the refrigerator.

ANGELA (O.C.)
Nice suit.

He turns, and is instantly transfixed by:

His POV: Angela leans against the counter, twirling her
hair.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.

She starts toward him.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
Last time I saw you, you looked kind
of wound up.
(spots something)
Ooh, is that root beer?

She reaches inside the refrigerator to grab a bottle. As she
does, she moves to place her other hand casually on Lester's
shoulder. He sees it coming. Everything SLOWS DOWN, and all
sound FADES...

EXTREME CLOSE UP on her hand as it briefly touches his
shoulder in SLOW MOTION. We HEAR only the amplified BRUSH of
her fingers against the fabric of his suit, and its
unnatural, hollow ECHO...

BACK IN REAL TIME: She grabs the root beer and smiles at
him.

CLOSE on Lester: his eyes narrow slightly, then:

He cups her face in his hands and kisses her. She seems
shocked, but doesn't resist as he pulls her toward him with
surprising strength. He breaks the kiss, looking at her in
awe, then he reaches up and touches his lips. His eyes widen
as he pulls a ROSE PETAL from his mouth right before we
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela is back against the counter, drinking the root beer.
Lester stands by the refrigerator, gazing at her, still lost
in fantasy.

ANGELA
I love root beer, don't you?

Jane watches from the doorway to the family room, feeling
incredibly awkward in her own home. Carolyn enters from the
dining room. Lester snaps out of it and grabs a root beer
from the refrigerator.

JANE
Mom, you remember Angela.

CAROLYN
(her sales smile)
Yes, of course!

JANE
I forgot to tell you, she's spending
the night. Is that okay?

LESTER
Sure!

He takes a sip of his root beer, but it goes down the wrong
way and he starts COUGHING violently.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ LATER THAT NIGHT

Angela lays on the bed, in bra and panties, reading a
magazine. Jane, in an oversized T shirt, plays a video game
on her computer.

JANE
I'm sorry about my dad.

ANGELA
Don't be. I think it's funny.

JANE
Yeah, to you, he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones. But to
me... he's just too embarrassing to
live.

ANGELA
Your mom's the one who's
embarrassing. What a phony.

Jane glances at Angela, irritated.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
Your dad's actually kind of cute.

JANE
Shut up.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ HALLWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester, still in his suit, stands outside Jane's room, his
ear up against the door. He can't believe what he's hearing.

ANGELA (O.C.)
He is. If he just worked out a
little, he'd be hot.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

JANE
Shut up.

ANGELA
Oh, come on. Like you've never
sneaked a peek at him in his
underwear? I bet he's got a big
dick.

JANE
You are so grossing me out right
now.

ANGELA
(really enjoying this)
If he built up his chest and arms, I
would totally fuck him.

Jane covers her ears and starts SINGING to drown her out.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jane and Angela are watching MTV when Lester arrives home, instantly attracting Angela. They share a kiss, interrupted by Carolyn. Later, Angela tells Jane about her feelings for Lester, causing Jane discomfort. The scene is awkward and tense, with key dialogue around Angela's compliments to Lester and Jane's discomfort. Visual elements highlight Angela's flirtatious behavior, Lester's attraction, and Jane's discomfort, ending with their bedroom conversation.
Strengths
  • Authentic character reactions
  • Effective portrayal of awkwardness
  • Intriguing dynamics between characters
Weaknesses
  • Potentially controversial content
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of awkwardness, discomfort, and inappropriate behavior, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring awkward encounters and inappropriate fantasies within a family setting is unique and intriguing.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the awkward interactions between the characters, particularly Lester, Angela, and Jane, adding depth to their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to family dynamics, taboo subjects, and character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and reactions to the situations, enhancing the authenticity of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Lester's inappropriate fantasy and Jane's discomfort showcase a subtle shift in their characters, hinting at deeper complexities.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal in this scene is to avoid embarrassment and maintain a sense of control over her family dynamics. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance, understanding, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Jane's external goal in this scene is to manage the unexpected situation with her father and Angela, ensuring that it does not escalate into a larger conflict. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing her family relationships and personal boundaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the inappropriate behavior of Lester towards Angela and Jane's discomfort with the situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, hidden motivations, and unexpected revelations creating tension and conflict. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the complex dynamics at play.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes involve the potential breakdown of family dynamics due to Lester's inappropriate behavior and Jane's discomfort.

Story Forward: 7

The scene adds depth to the characters and their relationships, moving the story forward by introducing new dynamics and tensions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions, taboo subjects, and character revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between societal expectations of family roles and individual desires for autonomy and self-expression. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about family dynamics, personal boundaries, and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including awkwardness, discomfort, shock, and embarrassment, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the awkwardness and discomfort felt by the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tension, humor, and emotional depth. The interactions between characters, unexpected twists, and dramatic pacing keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating tension, suspense, and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue, scene transitions, and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character cues, and action descriptions. The visual and auditory elements are well-crafted, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and dramatic pacing. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from the previous one are a bit abrupt, causing a jarring effect. Consider smoother transitions to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with certain actions and dialogues being drawn out unnecessarily. This could be improved by tightening the scene and focusing on the essential elements.
  • The characters' emotions and reactions in this scene seem overly dramatic and unrealistic, particularly Angela's lack of resistance to Lester's kiss. This could be adjusted to make the characters' actions more believable and relatable.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene transitions, consider adding a few lines of dialogue or action that connect the scenes more smoothly.
  • Tighten the pacing by trimming unnecessary dialogue and focusing on the key moments in the scene.
  • Make the characters' emotions and reactions more realistic and relatable by adjusting their actions and dialogue accordingly.



Scene 16 -  Inappropriate Comments and Mysterious Messages
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ HALLWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester, still listening, looks like he's about to implode.

ANGELA (O.C.)
(laughs)
I would! I would suck your dad's big
fat dick, and then I would fuck him
'til his eyes rolled back in his
head!
(then)
What was that noise? Jane.

Jane's SINGING stops.

ANGELA (O.C.) (CONT'D)
I swear I heard something.

Panicked, Lester scurries down the hall.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

JANE
Yeah, it was the sound of you being
a huge disgusting pig.

ANGELA
I'm serious.

We HEAR the sharp TAP of a penny being thrown against glass.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
See?

Angela crosses to the window and looks out.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
(spots something)
Oh my God. Jane.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

We see Angela standing at the window in her underwear,
looking down at us. Jane joins her and is immediately
unnerved by:

Their POV: In the Burnham's DRIVEWAY, the word "JANE" is
spelled out in FIRE.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

ANGELA
It's that psycho next door. Jane,
what if he worships you? What if
he's got a shrine with pictures of
you surrounded by dead people's
heads and stuff?

JANE
Shit. I bet he's filming us right
now.

ANGELA
(intrigued)
Really?

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

On VIDEO: We're across from Jane's window, looking in. Jane
tries to shut the drapes, but Angela won't let her.
Irritated, Jane retreats into the room. We ZOOM toward her,
even as Angela poses in the window; we're clearly not
interested in Angela. The ZOOM continues, searching for
Jane, who has disappeared. Finally, we settle on the small
make­up MIRROR where we see a REFLECTION of Jane, back at
her computer. She's smiling. Then suddenly the DRAPES CLOSE
and she's gone.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky sits in darkness with his DIGICAM, videotaping. He
lowers the camera and smiles... then something below catches
his attention. He leans out the window to get a better look
at:

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky's POV: Through a WINDOW on the side of the Burnham's
GARAGE DOOR, we see Lester, still in his suit, digging
through shelves against the back wall.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester digs through stuff stored on the shelves, searching
for something as if his very life depended on it.

LESTER
Shit. Shit!

He yanks aside COLLEGE YEARBOOKS, a racquetball RACQUET,
boxes of old HOT ROD MAGAZINES, an unopened remote­
controlled MODEL JEEP KIT, stacks of old vinyl LPs...
finally his face lights up when he finds:

A pair of DUMBBELLS obviously unused for many years.

Lester rips off his jacket and tie and unbuttons his shirt.
He glances around, finding his REFLECTION in the WINDOW as
he pulls off his shirt, then the T­shirt underneath. He eyes
himself critically: Angela was right, he's not in bad shape.
Just a few extra pounds around his middle that wouldn't be
hard to shed. He kicks off his shoes and begins to step out
of his pants.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In the Burnham house, Lester panics after overhearing Angela's inappropriate comments about him and searches for something in the garage. Jane confronts Angela, and they discover a mysterious message spelled out in fire outside. Meanwhile, Ricky films the events from his bedroom. The scene ends with Lester finding a pair of dumbbells and beginning to undress, contemplating his physical appearance.
Strengths
  • Exploration of hidden desires and obsessions
  • Tension and intrigue in the interactions between characters
  • Sharp dialogue that reveals inner thoughts and emotions
Weaknesses
  • Some potentially controversial or uncomfortable themes and interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up a lot of tension and intrigue for future developments. The exploration of hidden desires and the consequences of voyeurism add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of voyeurism, obsession, and hidden desires is effectively portrayed through the characters' actions and interactions. It adds layers to the narrative and sets up interesting conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as secrets are revealed and tensions rise between the characters. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of suburban dysfunction and the characters' twisted relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' inner conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations, desires, and flaws are highlighted in this scene, adding depth and complexity to their personalities. Their interactions drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes as their hidden desires and obsessions are revealed. Their relationships and dynamics shift, setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to regain a sense of control and power in his life, as he feels emasculated and humiliated by his family and circumstances. This reflects his deeper desire for respect and agency.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to find something in the garage that will help him regain his confidence and assertiveness in his family dynamic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising between the characters as secrets are uncovered and desires are revealed. The stakes are raised, leading to intense interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external obstacles that create conflict and drive the story forward.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters' hidden desires and obsessions are exposed, leading to intense interactions and potential consequences. The tension is palpable.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important secrets, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the relationships between the characters. It advances the narrative effectively.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events and character revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between appearances and reality, as characters project certain images of themselves while hiding their true feelings and motivations. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about identity and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, intrigue, and unease as the characters' hidden desires and obsessions come to light. It leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals a lot about the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tension, dark humor, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying payoff.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear setups and payoffs that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Angela and Jane is vulgar, demeaning, and over the top. It's difficult to believe that two young women would speak to each other in this way, and it detracts from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It starts with Angela making inappropriate comments about Lester, then shifts to Jane's discomfort, then to the discovery of the message spelled out in fire, and finally to Ricky filming Lester digging through the garage. There are too many different elements vying for attention, and the scene lacks focus.
  • The scene relies too heavily on symbolism and metaphor. The message spelled out in fire, the dumbbell, and the reflection in the window are all meant to be symbolic of Lester's transformation, but they are too obvious and heavy-handed. They don't add anything to the scene and they actually make it more difficult to understand what's going on.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ricky filming Lester digging through the garage. This is a weak ending because it doesn't provide any resolution or closure. The audience is left wondering what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Angela and Jane to make it more believable and less vulgar.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on a single event. The discovery of the message spelled out in fire is a strong starting point.
  • Use symbolism and metaphor more subtly. The message spelled out in fire could be a more subtle symbol of Lester's transformation, for example.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could involve having Lester actually find something in the garage, or it could involve having Ricky confront Lester about what he's doing.



Scene 17 -  Ricky's Voyeuristic Secret and the Colonel's Suspicion
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky holds his Digicam up and starts to videotape.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky's POV, on VIDEO: Through a WINDOW on the side of the
Burnham's garage, we see Lester step out of his pants and
briefs. Then, naked except for his black socks, he grabs the
dumbbells and starts lifting them, watching his reflection
in the window as he does.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS
Ricky stands at the window, videotaping.

RICKY
Welcome to America's Weirdest Home
Videos.

Suddenly we HEAR someone trying to open a locked door.

COLONEL (O.C.)
Ricky!

Moving swiftly, Ricky pulls the drapes shut and switches on
a light. His room is a haven of high­tech. A state­of­the­
art multimedia COMPUTER crowds his desk, and high­end STEREO
and VIDEO EQUIPMENT line the shelves, as well as HUNDREDS OF
CDs. There is easily twenty thousand dollars worth of
equipment in this room.

RICKY
Coming, Dad.

COLONEL (O.C.)
You know I don't like locked doors
in my house, boy.

Ricky opens the door. The Colonel stands outside, eyeing
him.

RICKY
I'm sorry, I must have locked it by
accident. So what's up?

The Colonel holds out a small PLASTIC CUP WITH A CAP.

COLONEL
I need a urine sample.

RICKY
Wow. It's been six months already.
Can I give it to you in the morning?
I just took a whiz.

COLONEL
Yeah, I suppose.
(an awkward beat)
Well. Good night, son.

He disappears down the hall. Ricky smiles, shuts and locks
his door. He puts the plastic cup on the shelf, then crosses
to a MINI REFRIGERATOR in the corner of his room and takes
out a cup­sized TUPPERWARE CONTAINER from the freezer,
already filled with urine, albeit frozen, and places it on a
saucer to thaw overnight.

INT BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ LATER THAT NIGHT

Carolyn lies sleeping. Lester is awake, staring at the
ceiling. After a moment, he gets up, taking care not to
disturb Carolyn, and walks toward the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense and uncomfortable scene, Ricky Fitts secretly videotapes his neighbor Lester Burnham exercising naked in his bedroom. The Colonel, suspicious of Ricky's activities, visits his room to collect a urine sample but is convinced to return in the morning. Lester, unaware of being spied on, later goes to the bathroom. The scene ends with Ricky preparing to replace the urine sample, adding to the secrecy and tension of the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective use of tension and intrigue
  • Exploration of hidden secrets and personal struggles
  • Compelling character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel overly awkward or uncomfortable for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the revelation of hidden secrets and the awkward interactions between characters. The use of video recording as a narrative device adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring hidden secrets and personal struggles through the lens of voyeurism is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. The use of video recording as a storytelling device is innovative and enhances the tension in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of hidden secrets and the awkward interactions between characters. The scene sets up future conflicts and character developments, particularly regarding the revealed secrets.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on family dynamics and privacy issues, with a unique twist involving the use of a frozen urine sample.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' vulnerabilities and hidden desires are showcased effectively in the scene. The interactions between characters reveal their complex relationships and inner conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

Some characters experience subtle changes in their dynamics and relationships due to the revealed secrets and interactions in the scene. These changes set the stage for future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ricky's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his privacy and independence within his own space, as seen through his quick actions to hide his activities from his father.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid giving a urine sample to his father, the Colonel, by using a pre-prepared substitute.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily driven by the revealed secrets and the tension between characters. The conflicts set up future developments in the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, adding depth to the character interactions and narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with the characters' secrets and desires at risk of being exposed. The interactions between characters have consequences for their relationships and future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing hidden secrets, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the relationships between characters. It advances the narrative by introducing new elements and tensions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twist involving the frozen urine sample, adding a layer of suspense and humor.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of privacy, independence, and deception. Ricky's actions challenge the traditional family values and authority represented by the Colonel.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of tension, curiosity, and discomfort in the audience. The characters' vulnerabilities and hidden desires add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and awkwardness between characters. It reveals their inner thoughts and desires, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a balance of tension, humor, and character interactions, contributing to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between locations and actions, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and doesn't seem to advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue between Ricky and the Colonel is stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't reveal anything new about the characters or their relationship.
  • The description of Ricky's room is excessive and doesn't contribute to the scene's overall impact.
  • The transition to the Burnham house is abrupt and confusing, and it's not clear why Lester is getting out of bed and going to the bathroom at this point in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the scene altogether, or rewriting it to give it a clearer purpose and make it more relevant to the plot.
  • Revise the dialogue between Ricky and the Colonel to make it more natural and revealing.
  • Trim down the description of Ricky's room and focus on the details that are most relevant to the story.
  • Add a transition scene or dialogue that explains why Lester is getting out of bed and going to the bathroom.



Scene 18 -  Lester's Infidelity and the Unraveling of the Burnham Marriage
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BATH ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester enters and switches on the LIGHT. The room is filled
with STEAM. Lester looks around, confused, then focuses on:

His POV: Across from us, in a PEDESTAL BATHTUB, is Angela.
She smiles and beckons us, and we MOVE CLOSER. ROSE PETALS
float on the surface of the water, obscuring her naked body.

ANGELA
I've been waiting for you.

Lester kneels by the bathtub like a man in church.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
You've been working out, haven't
you? I can tell.

She arches her back and looks up at him provocatively.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
I was hoping you'd give me a bath...
I'm very, very dirty.

Lester gives her a hard look, then slowly slips his hand
into the water between her legs. Her eyes widen and she
throws her head back... and we SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

CLOSE on Carolyn, her eyes wide, listening to the rhythmic
BRUSH of Lester's hand as he masturbates under the covers.

She flips over and faces him.

CAROLYN
What are you doing?

A beat.

LESTER
Nothing.

Carolyn switches on the bedside LIGHT.

CAROLYN
You were masturbating.

LESTER
I was not.

CAROLYN
Yes, you were.

He turns to her, trying to look innocent, then gives up.

LESTER
All right, so shoot me. I was
whacking off.

Carolyn gets out of bed, repelled. Lester LAUGHS.

LESTER (CONT'D)
That's right. I was choking the
bishop. Shaving the carrot. Saying
hi to my monster.

CAROLYN
That's disgusting.

LESTER
Well, excuse me, but I still have
blood pumping through my veins!

CAROLYN
So do I!

LESTER
Really? I'm the only one who seems
to be doing anything about it.

CAROLYN
Lester. I refuse to live like this.
This is not a marriage.

LESTER
This hasn't been a marriage for
years. But you were happy as long as
I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess
what? I've changed. And the new me
whacks off when he feels horny,
because you're obviously not going
to help me out in that department.

CAROLYN
Oh. I see. You think you're the only
one who's sexually frustrated?

LESTER
I'm not? Well then, come on, baby!
I'm ready.

CAROLYN
(furious)
Do not mess with me, mister, or I
will divorce you so fast it'll make
your head spin!

LESTER
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I
don't fuck other women, I don't
mistreat you, I've never hit you, or
even tried to touch you since you
made it so abundantly clear just how
unnecessary you consider me to be.
But. I did support you while you got
your license. And some people might
think that entitles me to half of
what's yours.

She sinks into a chair, stunned. It's clear he knows where
she's most vulnerable. He sees this, and likes it; it feels
good to win for a change. He curls up under the covers
contentedly.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Turn out the light when you come to
bed, okay?

CLOSE on Lester, smiling.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In the master bathroom, Lester finds Angela in the bathtub and touches her inappropriately, while cross-cut with a scene of Carolyn discovering Lester masturbating under the covers. This leads to a heated argument between Lester and Carolyn about their unhappy marriage, with Lester taunting Carolyn about their situation. The scene takes place in the Burnham house during the night and is tense, confrontational, and visually heated. The conflict between Lester and Carolyn remains unresolved, and the scene ends with Lester curling up under the covers and Carolyn sitting in a chair, stunned.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Explicit sexual content may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, emotionally charged, and sets up significant conflicts and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of desire, frustration, and emotional distance in a marriage is well-executed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of Lester and Carolyn's deteriorating relationship and their individual struggles with intimacy.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and provocative take on marital dynamics, with raw and honest dialogue that challenges traditional gender roles and expectations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Carolyn are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

Both Lester and Carolyn undergo subtle changes in their dynamic, revealing deeper layers of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound sense of self and independence within his marriage. He wants to challenge his wife's control and express his own desires and frustrations.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to confront his wife about their deteriorating marriage and assert his own needs and desires within the relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Carolyn is intense and drives the emotional tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions between the characters that create tension and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of the characters' emotional well-being and the future of their marriage.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important insights into the characters' relationships and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events and the characters' conflicting desires and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power dynamics within a marriage, gender roles, and the expectations of intimacy and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the portrayal of the characters' struggles with intimacy and connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the deep-seated issues between Lester and Carolyn.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its raw emotion, sharp dialogue, and complex character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue, and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax, and resolution, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene contains strong sexual tension and conflict, but the transition from the previous scene is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Carolyn is well-written and impactful, but the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling.
  • The use of rose petals in the bath scene is a nice touch, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a stronger atmosphere.
  • The scene could benefit from better pacing, as the transition from the bathtub to the bedroom feels rushed.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue or action between Lester leaving the bed and entering the bathroom to smooth the transition.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling in the scene between Lester and Carolyn, such as Lester's gaze lingering on a photo or object that represents their past happiness.
  • Add sensory details to the bath scene, such as the sound of water or the scent of rose petals, to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • Experiment with slowing down the pacing of the scene, allowing for more tension to build between Lester and Carolyn.



Scene 19 -  Lester's Morning Jog and Unwelcome Encounter
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ EARLY MORNING

We're FLYING high above the neighborhood. Below us we see
the two Jims, jogging. We APPROACH them steadily.

LESTER
It's a great thing when you realize
you still have the ability to
surprise yourself. Makes you wonder
what else you can do that you've
forgotten about.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ CONTINUOUS

We're now at street level, FOLLOWING the two Jims.

LESTER
Hey! You guys!

Still running, the Jims turn back in perfect unison, as
Lester runs INTO FRAME, wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a
pair of faded old sweatpants. The Jims slow down until he
catches up, then the three men run together in the early
morning light.

JIM #2
Lester, I didn't know you ran.
LESTER
(panting)
Well, I just started.

JIM #1
Good for you.

LESTER
I figured you guys might be able to
give me some pointers. I need to
shape up. Fast.

JIM #1
Well, are you just looking to lose
weight, or do you want have
increased strength and flexibility
as well?

LESTER
I want to look good naked.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

The Colonel is washing his Ford Explorer, squatting to scrub
the bumper, when something Catches his eye:

His POV: Lester and the Jims jog down the street.

The Colonel stands, scowling, as Ricky comes out of the
house, holding the URINE SAMPLE in front of him.

COLONEL
What is this, the fucking gay pride
parade?

Lester breaks off from the two Jims and jogs up to Ricky and
the Colonel, out of breath. He grabs hold of his knees and
bends over, panting.

LESTER
Hey! Yo! Ricky!
(re: the Jims)
My entire life is passing before my
eyes, and those two have barely
broken a sweat.

He LAUGHS, and extends his hand to the Colonel.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham, I live
next door. We haven't met.

COLONEL
(shakes)

COLONEL FRANK FITTS, U.S. MARINE CORPS.

LESTER
Whoa. Welcome to the neighborhood,
sir.

He salutes the Colonel good­naturedly, grinning. The Colonel
doesn't think it's funny. An awkward beat.

LESTER (CONT'D)
So, Ricky, uh, I was thinking about
the, uh... I was gonna... the movie
we talked about...

RICKY
(quickly)
Re­Animator.
LESTER
Yeah!

RICKY
You want to borrow it?
(before Lester can answer)
Okay, it's up in my room. Come on.

He heads into the house. Lester waves at the Colonel, then
follows him. The Colonel watches them go, his eyes dark.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene starts with Lester joining Jims for a morning jog, followed by Lester introducing himself to Colonel Fitts and asking Ricky for the movie 'Re-Animator'. Colonel Fitts makes a homophobic remark towards Lester and Jims, and later watches Lester and Ricky with suspicion as they enter Ricky's house. The scene highlights the conflict between Lester and Colonel Fitts, and the tone shifts from light-hearted to serious.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension-filled interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Some awkward pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and character development, making it engaging and memorable.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of awkward encounters and self-discovery is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and moving the story forward.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester interacts with the Colonel and Ricky, showcasing his desire for change and self-improvement.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on suburban life and personal growth, with authentic dialogue and relatable character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Lester and the Colonel, are well-defined and their interactions are both humorous and revealing.

Character Changes: 7

Lester's interest in running and desire for change hint at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to regain a sense of control and vitality in his life. He wants to improve himself physically and mentally, as indicated by his desire to surprise himself and look good naked.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to connect with his neighbors and establish a friendly relationship, as seen in his interactions with the Jims and the Colonel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict, mainly stemming from the awkward interactions between characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters' goals, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics between characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between characters and the underlying tensions in their relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Lester's desire for self-improvement and the Colonel's judgmental attitude towards him. This challenges Lester's belief in personal growth and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from tension to humor, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and captures the awkwardness of the interactions, adding depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and subtle conflicts that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is a bit flat. It's mostly just characters stating their intentions or giving information. There's not much subtext or emotional depth.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just Lester trying to get to know the Jims and Ricky, but nothing really happens.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Lester following Ricky into the house. It would be more effective if there were some kind of resolution or cliffhanger at the end.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext and emotional depth to the dialogue. For example, have Lester express his insecurities about his body or his relationship with Carolyn.
  • Give the scene a clearer purpose. For example, have Lester ask the Jims for help with a specific fitness goal, or have him and Ricky bond over their shared love of horror movies.
  • End the scene with a stronger hook. For example, have Lester discover something unexpected in Ricky's room, or have Ricky make a surprising revelation about himself.



Scene 20 -  Ricky Sells Genetically Engineered Marijuana to Lester
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky enters, followed by Lester.

RICKY
Can you hold this for a sec?

LESTER
Sure.

He gives the URINE SPECIMEN to Lester, then locks the door.

RICKY
I don't think my dad would try to
come in when somebody else is here,
but you never know.

Ricky crosses to a bureau and opens a DRAWER. He takes
clothing out and piles it on his bed.

LESTER
(re: urine sample)
What is this?

RICKY
Urine. I have to take a drug test
every six months to make sure I'm
clean.

LESTER
Are you kidding? You just smoked
with me last night.

RICKY
It's not mine. One of my clients is
a nurse in a pediatrician's office.
I cut her a deal, she keeps me in
clean piss.

Lester picks up a CD case from a shelf and examines it.

LESTER
You like Pink Floyd?

RICKY
I like a lot of music.

LESTER
Man, I haven't listened to this
album in years.

He shakes his head, then puts the CD case down. Ricky,
having emptied the drawer, now removes a FALSE BOTTOM,
revealing rows of MARIJUANA, tightly packed in ZIP­LOC BAGS.

RICKY
How much do you want?

LESTER
I don't know, it's been a while. How
much is an ounce?
RICKY
(indicates bag)
Well, this is totally decent, and
it's three hundred.

LESTER
Wow.

RICKY
(indicates another bag)
But this shit is top of the line.
It's called G­13. Genetically
engineered by the U.S. Government.
Extremely potent. But a completely
mellow high, no paranoia.

LESTER
Is that what we smoked last night?

RICKY
This is all I ever smoke.

LESTER
How much?

RICKY
Two grand.

LESTER
Jesus. Things have changed since
1973.

RICKY
You don't have to pay now. I know
you're good for it.

A beat.

LESTER
Thanks.

RICKY
(hands him a bag)

There's a card in there with my beeper number, call me
anytime day or night. And I only accept cash.

LESTER
(looks around room)
Well, now I know how you can afford
all this equipment. When I was your
age, I flipped burgers all summer
just to be able to buy an eight
track.

RICKY
That sucks.

LESTER
No actually, it was great. All I did
was party and get laid.
(smiles)
I had my whole life ahead of me...

RICKY
My dad thinks I pay for all this
with catering jobs.
(off Lester's look)
Never underestimate the power of
denial.

Lester smiles. This kid's cool.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ricky brings Lester to his bedroom to sell him marijuana, showcasing different types including the genetically engineered G-13. Lester purchases an ounce of G-13 for $2000, marks a casual and friendly encounter with a hint of excitement as Lester makes his purchase, and ends with Ricky giving Lester a bag of marijuana and his beeper number.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, informative, and provides insight into the characters. The dialogue is witty and the interaction between Lester and Ricky is entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the drug test and the discussion around marijuana adds depth to the characters and their relationship. It also sheds light on Ricky's resourcefulness.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as we learn more about Ricky's lifestyle and his interactions with Lester. The scene sets up potential conflicts and character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of teenage rebellion and drug use, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel true to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Ricky are well-developed in this scene. Their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions, making them relatable and interesting.

Character Changes: 6

Both Lester and Ricky undergo subtle changes in their dynamic as they bond over shared experiences and reveal more about themselves.

Internal Goal: 8

Ricky's internal goal is to maintain his facade of innocence and responsibility while engaging in illegal activities. This reflects his deeper need for independence and rebellion against his father's expectations.

External Goal: 7

Ricky's external goal is to sell drugs to Lester and maintain his drug dealing business. This reflects the immediate challenge of making money and maintaining his lifestyle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between the characters due to their differing perspectives on drug use, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Lester's moral dilemma and Ricky's deception, creating a small obstacle for the characters to navigate.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important information about the characters and sets up potential conflicts and developments for future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of drug dealing and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between societal norms and personal desires. Ricky's actions challenge the values of honesty and legality, while Lester's acceptance of the drug deal challenges his own moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits some emotions, especially through the characters' interactions and revelations, but it is not highly emotional.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals a lot about the characters. It keeps the scene engaging and adds depth to the interaction between Lester and Ricky.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the dark humor, and the reveal of hidden secrets.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a mix of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic interaction between characters, with clear dialogue and action beats.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It seems to be a random conversation between Lester and Ricky, and it doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk, and it makes the scene feel forced.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags on. There's not enough action or conflict to keep the reader engaged.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about them or their motivations, and it's hard to care about what happens to them.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What do you want to happen in this scene? What do you want the reader to learn about the characters or the plot?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Use contractions, slang, and other informal language to make the characters sound like real people.
  • Add some action or conflict to the scene. This could be anything from a physical fight to a verbal argument. Anything that will keep the reader engaged and make the scene more exciting.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them clear motivations and goals, and make them relatable to the reader. The reader should be able to understand why the characters are doing what they're doing and why they care about what happens to them.



Scene 21 -  Confrontation in the Garage: Lester's New Lifestyle
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ LATER

Carolyn, carrying a basket of fresh cut ROSES, passes by the
GARAGE WINDOW. From inside the garage, we HEAR ROCK MUSIC.

Carolyn stops and SNIFFS the air, frowning. She peers
through the window.

Her POV: Lester, in a T­shirt and gym shorts, lies on a new
WEIGHT BENCH, doing bench presses with shiny new BARBELLS.

INT. GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

ROCK MUSIC blasts from a new BOOMBOX on the floor.

The garage is in the process of becoming Lester's sanctuary.
An ugly but comfortable 70's BOWL CHAIR has been pulled out
and cleaned off, his old hot rod magazines strewn across it,
and the remote­controlled MODEL JEEP KIT is spread across a
card table. The SHELVES that Lester tore through earlier
have been dismantled, leaving a blank wall on which now
hangs a DART BOARD.

Lester finishes his last rep, straining, then puts the
weights in their rack and sits up. As he takes a drag off a
joint, the GARAGE DOOR suddenly starts to open. Lester looks
up, squinting at:

His POV: The door raises to reveal Carolyn, silhouetted
against the bright sunlight outside, pointing a REMOTE at
us.

LESTER
Uh­oh, mom's mad.

CAROLYN
What the hell do you think you're
doing?

LESTER
Bench presses. I'm going to wail on
my pecs, and then I'm going to do my
back.

CAROLYN
I see you're smoking pot now. I'm so
glad. I think using illegal
psychotropic substances is a very
positive example to set for our
daughter.

LESTER
You're one to talk, you bloodless,
money­ grubbing freak.

CAROLYN
(hostile)
Lester. You have such hostility in
you!

LESTER
Do you mind? I'm trying to work out
here.
(then, suggestively)
Unless you want to spot me.

CAROLYN
You will not get away with this. You
can be sure of that!

And she's gone. Lester leans back on the bench and grabs the
weights.
LESTER
(as he lifts)
That's. What. You. Think.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Carolyn discovers Lester's transformed garage into his sanctuary, where he is working out and smoking pot. They have a heated argument, with Carolyn expressing her disapproval and Lester accusing her of being uptight and money-grubbing. The conflict remains unresolved, and Lester continues his workout after Carolyn leaves. The scene highlights the tension between Lester's desire to reclaim his life and Carolyn's disapproval of his new habits.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tension between Lester and Carolyn, providing insight into their dysfunctional marriage and setting the stage for further character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing a confrontation between a married couple in a garage setting is engaging and adds depth to the characters' dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the scene reveals the growing animosity between Lester and Carolyn, hinting at future conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the suburban family dynamic, with characters who defy traditional stereotypes and expectations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Carolyn are well-developed in this scene, with their conflicting personalities and emotions driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Lester and Carolyn undergo subtle changes in this scene, as their animosity towards each other is brought to the forefront.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and push back against Carolyn's control and judgment. This reflects his desire for autonomy and self-expression.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to work out and exercise in his garage sanctuary. This reflects his immediate desire to improve his physical health and appearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Carolyn is palpable, with their hostile exchange adding intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations that create obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the crumbling marriage of Lester and Carolyn, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the deteriorating relationship between Lester and Carolyn, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting power dynamics between Lester and Carolyn.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Carolyn's rigid, judgmental attitude towards Lester's behavior and Lester's rebellious, carefree approach to life. This challenges their beliefs about responsibility, morality, and individual freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, as it reveals the deep-seated issues in Lester and Carolyn's relationship.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, reflecting the underlying tension between Lester and Carolyn and adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic conflict between the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the humor that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue that advance the plot and reveal the characters' motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. What is the conflict or dramatic tension that is being explored?
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, with characters making statements that feel more like exposition than genuine conversation.
  • The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and caricatures, such as the 'bloodless, money-grubbing freak' wife and the 'hostile' husband.
  • The character's motivations are unclear. Why is Lester suddenly working out and smoking pot? What is Carolyn's motivation for being so hostile towards him?
  • The scene lacks any sense of emotional connection or depth. The characters' interactions feel superficial and forced.
  • The scene is too short and underdeveloped. There is not enough time for the conflict to be fully explored or for the characters to be properly developed.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What conflict or dramatic tension do you want to explore?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Have the characters speak in a way that reflects their personalities and motivations.
  • Avoid relying on stereotypes and caricatures. Create characters that are complex and relatable.
  • Develop the character's motivations. Why are they behaving the way they are? What are their goals and desires?
  • Add depth and emotional connection to the scene. Explore the characters' feelings and relationships in a meaningful way.
  • Expand the scene to give the conflict time to develop and the characters time to be properly developed.



Scene 22 -  Lester Negotiates His Severance Package
INT. BRAD'S OFFICE ­ DAY

Brad is seated behind his desk, reading a document. Lester
sits across from him, smiling.

BRAD
(reads)
"...my job consists of basically
masking my contempt for the assholes
in charge, and, at least once a day,
retiring to the men's room so I can
jerk off, while I fantasize about a
life that doesn't so closely
resemble hell."
(looks up at Lester)
Well, you obviously have no interest
in saving yourself.

LESTER
(laughs)
Brad, for fourteen years I've been a
whore for the advertising industry.
The only way I could save myself now
is if I start firebombing.

BRAD
Whatever. Management wants you gone
by the end of the day.

LESTER
Well, just what sort of severance
package is "management" prepared to
offer me? Considering the
information I have about our
editorial director buying pussy with
company money.

A beat.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Which I'm sure would interest the
I.R.S., since it technically
constitutes fraud. And I'm sure that
some of our advertisers and rival
publications might like to know
about it as well. Not to mention,
Craig's wife.

Brad sighs.

BRAD
What do you want?

LESTER
One year's salary, with benefits.

BRAD
That's not going to happen.

LESTER
Well, what do you say I throw in a
little sexual harassment charge to
boot?

Brad LAUGHS.

BRAD
Against who?
LESTER
Against you.

Brad stops laughing.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Can you prove you didn't offer to
save my job if I'd let you blow me?

Brad leans back in his chair, studying Lester.

BRAD
Man. You are one twisted fuck.

LESTER
(standing)
Nope. I'm just an ordinary guy with
nothing to lose.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Brad and Lester meet in Brad's office during the day. Lester, who is lifting weights before the meeting, reveals his contempt for the advertising industry and corporate fraud in a resignation letter. He negotiates a severance package, threatening to expose Brad and the company's fraud if he doesn't comply. Brad, who is uncomfortable and annoyed, eventually agrees to give Lester one year's salary and benefits. The scene ends with Lester showing a newfound confidence and Brad struggling to maintain his composure, marking a significant turning point in Lester's character development.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled negotiation
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Negative emotions
  • Confrontational tone

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and showcases strong character dynamics through dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes negotiation involving blackmail and threats is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Lester tries to secure a severance package through manipulation and confrontation.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its approach to office politics and power struggles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding a fresh perspective to familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Brad are well-developed and their interactions reveal their true nature and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Lester shows his willingness to go to extreme lengths to secure his severance package, revealing a darker side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and power in a difficult situation. This reflects his fear of losing his position and his desire to assert dominance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to negotiate a severance package with his employee. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potentially damaging situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Brad is high, filled with tension, threats, and manipulation.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Lester tries to secure a severance package through blackmail and threats.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing Lester's actions and decisions in a high-stakes situation.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the shifting power dynamics that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between morality and self-preservation. The characters are faced with ethical dilemmas and must make choices that challenge their values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes negative emotions such as tension, defiance, and desperation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and drives the scene forward with tension and conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral ambiguity, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative.


Critique
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It sounds like the characters are reading from a script rather than speaking to each other.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There is no clear goal or obstacle that the characters are working towards or against.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't know anything about their motivations or desires.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some tension and conflict to the scene. Give the characters a goal or obstacle to work towards or against.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them clear motivations and desires.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.



Scene 23 -  New Beginnings and Temptations
INT. OFFICE BUILDING ­ MOMENTS LATER

Exhilarated, Lester walks down a corridor, his belongings in
a box on his shoulder. He's happier than he's been in years.

LESTER
Yeah!

INT. RESTAURANT ­ LATER THAT DAY

Carolyn sits at a table, lost in thought. There are two
menus on the table. After a moment, Buddy Kane, the Real
Estate King, joins her. Carolyn immediately becomes warm and
gracious.

BUDDY
Carolyn.

CAROLYN
Buddy.

Carolyn smiles, genuinely touched that he remembers her
name.

BUDDY
I'm so sorry I kept you waiting.
Christy left for New York this
morning, and... let's just say
things were very hectic around the
house.

CAROLYN
What's she doing in New York?

BUDDY
She's moving there.
(off Carolyn's look)
Yes. We are splitting up.

CAROLYN
Buddy. I'm so sorry.

BUDDY
(bitterly)
Yes, according to her, I'm too
focused on my career. As if being
driven to succeed is some sort of
character flaw. Well, she certainly
knew how to take advantage of the
lifestyle my success afforded her.
Oh. Wow.
(then, laughing)
Ah, it's for the best.
CAROLYN
When I saw you two at the party the
other night, you seemed perfectly
happy.

BUDDY
Well, call me crazy, but it is my
philosophy that in order to be
successful, one must project an
image of success, at all times.

He smiles, then opens his menu. Carolyn picks hers up
mechanically, but continues to stare at him, enraptured,
like a fervent Christian who's just come face to face with
Jesus.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAMPUS ­ LATER THAT DAY

Ricky stands with his DIGICAM, videotaping something on the
ground at his feet.

On VIDEO: A DEAD BIRD lays on the ground, decomposing.

ANGELA (O.C.)
What are you doing?

On VIDEO: The camera JERKS up to discover Jane and Angela
staring at us.

RICKY (O.C.)
I was filming this dead bird.

ANGELA
Why?

RICKY (O.C.)
Because it's beautiful.

On VIDEO: Angela looks at Jane, trying not to laugh.

ANGELA
I think maybe you forgot your
medication today, mental boy.

On VIDEO: She falls out of frame as we ZOOM toward Jane.

RICKY (O.C.)
Hi, Jane.

JANE
(uncomfortable)
Look. I want you to stop filming me.

Ricky lowers the Digicam.

RICKY
Okay.

He looks at her, curious, his eyes searching hers. She
doesn't look away.

ANGELA
Well, whatever.
(to Jane)
This is boring. Let's go.

JANE
(to Ricky)
Do you need a ride?

ANGELA
(to Jane)
Are you crazy? I don't want to end
up hacked to pieces in a dumpster
somewhere.

RICKY
It's okay. I'll walk. But thanks.

ANGELA
Yeah, see? He doesn't want to go
anyway. C'mon, let's go.

Angela starts off, but Jane doesn't follow. Ricky smiles at
her. She almost smiles back, then:

JANE
(calls off to Angela)
I think I'm going to walk, too.

Angela stops and stares at her.

ANGELA
What? Jane, that's like, almost a
mile.

EXT. TOP HAT MOTEL ­ LATER THAT DAY

Carolyn's Mercedes is parked next to a JAGUAR CONVERTIBLE
with a VANITY LICENSE PLATE that reads "R E KING."

INT. TOP HAT MOTEL ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn and Buddy are in the middle of sex.

CAROLYN
Yes! Oh, God! I love it!

BUDDY
You like getting nailed by the king?

CAROLYN
Oh yes! I love it! Fuck me, your
majesty!

EXT. STREET ­ LATER THAT DAY

Lester's TOYOTA CAMRY cruises through the streets. We hear
Lester SINGING along to "AMERICAN WOMAN" on the STEREO.

INT. TOYOTA CAMRY ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester is driving, smoking a joint.

LESTER
AMERICAN WOMAN, STAY AWAY FROM ME...
AMERICAN WOMAN, MAMA LET ME BE...
DON'T COME A HANGIN' AROUND MY
DOOR... I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR
FACE NO MORE...

EXT. MR. SMILEY'S ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester continues singing along to "AMERICAN WOMAN," as the
Camry pulls into the parking lot of a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT.

Lester pulls up to the drive­thru speaker box.

DRIVE­THRU GIRL (O.C.)
(over speaker box)
Smile you're at Mr. Smiley's.

Lester turns down the volume on the stereo.

LESTER
What?
DRIVE­THRU GIRL (O.C.)
Would you like to try our new bacon
and egg fajita just a dollar twenty­
nine for a limited time only.

LESTER
Uh... no. But thank you.
(reading menu)
I'll have a Big Barn Burger, Smiley
fries, and an orange soda.

DRIVE­THRU GIRL (O.C.)
Please drive up to the window, thank
you.

He pulls the car around to the WINDOW, where a teenage GIRL
wearing a headset is waiting.

DRIVE­THRU GIRL (CONT'D)
Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's,
that'll be four eighty­nine, please.

Lester pays her. As she hands him his food, he notices a
SIGN in the corner of the window that reads:

NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS

COUNTER GIRL
Would you like some Smiley Sauce?

LESTER
No. No, actually... I'd like to fill
out an application.

She stares at him, confused by his age and attire.

COUNTER GIRL
There's not jobs for manager, it's
just for counter.

LESTER
Good. I'm looking for the least
possible amount of responsibility.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Lester quits his job and applies for a position at a fast food restaurant, signifying a new beginning. Carolyn learns of Buddy Kane's divorce and has an affair with him, torn between her unhappy marriage and her attraction. Ricky films a dead bird and Jane joins him, while Angela remains wary of Ricky's strange behavior. The scene ends with Lester's new job application, showcasing his excitement for change, while Carolyn experiences a mix of excitement and guilt, and Angela remains skeptical and dismissive.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Satirical tone
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may border on cliché or stereotype

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, drama, and social commentary to create an engaging and thought-provoking narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the facade of success and the hidden desires of the characters is well-executed, providing depth to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and revelations, setting up conflicts and tensions that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on suburban life and relationships, with unexpected twists and dark humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and dynamics that add depth to the story. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

Some characters experience subtle shifts in their attitudes and behaviors, hinting at potential growth or transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to break free from his mundane life and responsibilities, seeking excitement and liberation. This is reflected in his carefree attitude and rebellious actions.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to find a job with minimal responsibility, as seen when he decides to apply for a job at the fast food restaurant.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying tensions and conflicts between the characters, adding depth and intrigue to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts and obstacles that challenge the characters but are not insurmountable. This adds tension and drama to the story.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high, the scene sets up potential consequences for the characters' actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and outcomes, but still offers unexpected moments and twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' different values and priorities. Buddy Kane's focus on success and image clashes with Carolyn's desire for genuine connection and emotional fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement to discomfort, as the characters' true selves are revealed.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It adds humor and depth to the scenes, enhancing the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, drama, and character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character moments. It keeps the story moving forward and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a screenplay, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear central focus and seems to jump between disparate elements, making it difficult to follow and engage with.
  • The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, particularly in the interactions between the characters.
  • The scene's objective and stakes are unclear, leaving the audience uncertain about what they should be invested in.
  • The pacing is uneven, with some moments dragging on while others feel rushed or underdeveloped.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to establish a clear central focus and objective that drives the action and character interactions.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and engaging, ensuring that the characters speak in a believable and relatable way.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create a more balanced and engaging experience, ensuring that important moments have enough time to breathe while less significant moments are trimmed or streamlined.
  • Consider adding or developing subtext to the character interactions to create layers of meaning and emotional depth.



Scene 24 -  Job Rejection and Stress Relief
INT. MR. SMILEY'S ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

Lester sits at a booth with the MANAGER, a greasy kid
wearing a white short sleeve shirt and a tie covered with
the Mr. Smiley's logo. He looks over Lester's application,
baffled.

MANAGER
I don't think you'd fit in here.

LESTER
I have fast food experience.

MANAGER
Yeah, like twenty years ago.

LESTER
Well, I'm sure there have been
amazing technological advances in
the industry, but surely you have
some sort of training process. It
seems unfair to presume I won't be
able to learn.

The Manager sighs and runs a hand through his greasy hair,
wondering what he could possibly have done to deserve this.

INT. TOP HAT MOTEL ­ LATER THAT DAY
Carolyn and Buddy are in bed, post­sex.

CAROLYN
That was exactly what I needed. The
royal treatment, so to speak.

They laugh.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
I was so stressed out.

BUDDY
Know what I do when I feel like
that?

CAROLYN
What?

BUDDY
I fire a gun.

Carolyn sits up, eager to learn from the master.

CAROLYN
(intrigued)
Really.

BUDDY
Oh yeah, I go to this little firing
range downtown, and I just pop off a
few rounds.

CAROLYN
(embarrassed)
I've never fired a gun before.

BUDDY
Oh, you've gotta try it. Nothing
makes you feel more powerful.
(smiles seductively)
Well, almost nothing.

Carolyn is quick to pick up her cue and kisses him, ready
for another round.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Lester is rejected for a job at Mr. Smiley's due to age discrimination, while his ex-wife, Carolyn, and her new boyfriend, Buddy, have a post-sex conversation at the Top Hat Motel. Buddy suggests firing a gun as a stress reliever, which piques Carolyn's interest. The tone is light-hearted and humorous in the first part of the scene but becomes more serious and suggestive in the second part. The scene ends with Carolyn eager to learn how to fire a gun and kissing Buddy, ready for another round.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Moderate stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and character interactions to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Lester applying for a job at a fast-food restaurant while Carolyn engages in a seductive conversation with Buddy adds depth to the characters and explores themes of power dynamics and personal fulfillment.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Lester seeks a job at Mr. Smiley's, while Carolyn's interaction with Buddy reveals more about her character and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the contrast between traditional and modern approaches to work and leisure activities. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it further develops the existing characters and their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to prove himself capable of learning and adapting to new technology and processes despite his age and past experience. This reflects his desire for growth, relevance, and overcoming stereotypes.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to secure a job at the fast-food restaurant. This reflects his immediate need for employment and financial stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is tension and conflict present in the scene, particularly in Lester's attempt to secure a job and Carolyn's seductive conversation with Buddy.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's goals and create conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with characters facing personal and professional challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and dialogue, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional experience and adaptability to change. The Manager represents the traditional mindset, while Lester embodies the willingness to learn and evolve.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to tension to intrigue, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of humor, tension, and seduction that adds depth to the characters and moves the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its humor, character dynamics, and relatable conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, enhancing its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for character interactions and dialogue, effectively conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk.
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It could be trimmed down to make it more focused and impactful.
  • The scene doesn't add anything new to the story. It's just a rehash of what we've already seen.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. It takes place in a bland and uninspired setting.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What are the stakes?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more focused and impactful.
  • Add something new to the story. This could be a new plot development, a new character, or a new perspective.
  • Make the scene more visually interesting. This could involve changing the setting, adding more props, or using more dynamic lighting.



Scene 25 -  Ricky's Fascination
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET ­ LATER THAT DAY

Ricky and Jane walk along without speaking. He seems
comfortable with the silence; she doesn't. After a beat:

JANE
So how do you like your new house?

RICKY
I like it.

A beat.

JANE
The people who used to live there
fed these stray cats, so they were
always around, and it drove my
mother nuts. And then she cut down
their tree.

An automobile FUNERAL PROCESSION appears and begins to pass
them slowly.

RICKY
Have you ever known anybody who
died?

JANE
No.
(a beat)
Have you?

RICKY
No, but I did see this homeless
woman who froze to death once. Just
laying there on the sidewalk. She
looked really sad.

They watch the FUNERAL CARS pass.

RICKY (CONT'D)
I got that homeless woman on video.

JANE
Why would you film that?

RICKY
Because it was amazing.

JANE
What was amazing about it?

A beat.

RICKY
When you see something like that,
it's like God is looking right at
you, just for a second. And if
you're careful, you can look right
back.

JANE
And what do you see?

RICKY
Beauty.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Barbara Fitts sits at the kitchen table, staring off into
space as if hypnotized. Behind her, Ricky enters, followed
by Jane.

RICKY
Mom, I want you to meet somebody.
(no response)
Mom.

Barbara's eyes flutter and she turns to him slowly.

BARBARA
(pleasant)
Yes?

RICKY
I want you to meet somebody. This is
Jane.

JANE
Hi.

BARBARA
Oh, my. I apologize for the way
things look around here.

Jane glances around. The room is spotless.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ THE COLONEL'S STUDY ­ MOMENTS LATER

We HEAR KEYS TURNING in the lock, then the door opens and
Ricky enters, holding a RING OF KEYS, followed by Jane.
RICKY
This is where my dad hides out.

GLASS CASES filled with GUNS line the walls.

JANE
I take it he's got a thing for guns.

Ricky crosses to a built­in CABINET behind the desk.

RICKY
You got to see this one thing...

He unlocks the cabinet and opens it, revealing shelves
stacked with WAR MEMORABILIA.

RICKY (CONT'D)
My dad would kill me if he knew I
was in here.

JANE
Did you steal his keys?

RICKY
No. One of my clients is a
locksmith. He was short on cash one
night, so I let him pay me in trade.

He reaches into the cabinet and carefully removes an oval
CHINA PLATTER, which he hands to Jane. She examines it.

RICKY (CONT'D)
Turn it over.

CLOSE on the bottom of the plate: A small SWASTIKA is
imprinted in the center.

JANE
Oh my God.

RICKY
It's like official state china of
the Third Reich. There's a whole
subculture of people who collect
this Nazi shit. But my dad just has
this one thing.

He puts the platter back into the cabinet and shuts the
door, then notices Jane looking at him oddly.

RICKY (CONT'D)
What's wrong?

JANE
Nothing.

RICKY
(concerned)
No, you're scared of me.

JANE
No I'm not.

But she is. Ricky studies her.

RICKY
You want to see the most beautiful
thing I've ever filmed?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ricky and Jane walk to Ricky's new house, discussing a funeral procession they see along the way. Tension arises when Ricky shows Jane his father's study, which is filled with guns and a swastika-adorned platter. Jane is uncomfortable with Ricky's fascination with the platter, creating a conflict that remains unresolved as the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Exploration of dark themes
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of introspection and tension through the characters' interactions and the exploration of dark themes. The emotional depth and complexity of the scene contribute to its high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding beauty in tragedy and exploring dark themes such as homophobia and Nazi memorabilia is compelling and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions and revelations, such as Jane's discovery of the Nazi memorabilia and the strained relationship between her and her mother. These elements add layers to the story and build tension.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on beauty, spirituality, and family history, with authentic dialogue that feels true to the characters' emotions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their complexities and inner struggles. Ricky's perspective on beauty in tragedy and Jane's strained relationship with her mother add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, particularly in Jane's growing unease and Ricky's introspective view on beauty in tragedy. These changes add depth to the characters and the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Ricky's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Jane on a deeper level and share his perspective on beauty and spirituality. This reflects his desire for understanding and connection amidst the mundane and sometimes dark aspects of life.

External Goal: 7

Ricky's external goal is to show Jane the hidden collection of war memorabilia in his dad's study and share a piece of his family's history. This reflects his desire to reveal a part of himself that is usually kept hidden.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle but palpable conflict present in the scene, particularly in the strained relationships between characters and the unsettling discoveries they make. This conflict adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with Jane's initial discomfort and fear contrasting with Ricky's calm demeanor and introspective perspective on beauty.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and thematic implications of the characters' discoveries and interactions add a sense of importance and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new aspects of the characters and their relationships, as well as introducing dark themes that will likely impact future events. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of the war memorabilia and the philosophical discussion about beauty and spirituality.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Ricky's perspective on beauty and spirituality, contrasted with Jane's initial discomfort and fear. This challenges Jane's worldview and beliefs, leading to a moment of introspection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and curiosity to fear and tension. The characters' struggles and the dark themes explored contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially in moments of tension and introspection. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension between Ricky and Jane, the reveal of the war memorabilia, and the introspective dialogue about beauty and spirituality.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion leading to the reveal of the war memorabilia. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-paced and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, leading to a reveal of the hidden war memorabilia in the Colonel's study. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ricky and Jane is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two teenagers.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters. It's mostly just filler.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some unnecessary dialogue and action.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add some more conflict or tension to the scene. For example, you could have Ricky and Jane argue about something.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some unnecessary dialogue and action.



Scene 26 -  Ricky's Revelation and Lester's Rebellion
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

On VIDEO: We're in an empty parking lot on a cold, gray day.
Something is floating across from us... it's an empty,
wrinkled, white PLASTIC BAG. We follow it as the wind
carries it in a circle around us, sometimes whipping it
about violently, or, without warning, sending it soaring
skyward, then letting it float gracefully down to the
ground...

Jane and Ricky sit on the bed, watching his WIDE­SCREEN TV.

RICKY
It was one of those days when it's a
minute away from snowing. And
there's this electricity in the air,
you can almost hear it, right? And
this bag was just... dancing with
me. Like a little kid begging me to
play with it. For fifteen minutes.
That's the day I realized that there
was this entire life behind things,
and this incredibly benevolent force
that wanted me to know there was no
reason to be afraid. Ever.

A beat.

RICKY (CONT'D)
Video's a poor excuse, I know. But
it helps me remember... I need to
remember...

Now Jane is watching him.

RICKY (CONT'D)
(distant)
Sometimes there's so much beauty in
the world I feel like I can't take
it... and my heart is going to cave
in.

After a moment, Jane takes his hand. Then she leans in and
kisses him softly on the lips. His eyes scan hers, curious
to see how she reacts to this...

JANE
(suddenly)
Oh my God. What time is it?

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ DINING ROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Lester sits at the table in sloppy clothes, eating his
dinner voraciously and drinking beer from a bottle. Across
from him, Carolyn picks at her food, watching him with
contempt. EASY­LISTENING MUSIC plays on the STEREO.

We HEAR the back door SLAM, then Jane enters and quickly
takes her seat at the table.

JANE
Sorry I'm late.

CAROLYN
(overly cheerful)
No, no, that's quite all right,
dear. Your father and I were just
discussing his day at work.
(to Lester)
Why don't you tell our daughter
about it, honey?

Jane stares at both her parents, apprehensive. Lester looks
at Carolyn darkly, then flashes a "you­asked­for­it" grin.

LESTER
Janie, today I quit my job. And then
I told my boss to fuck himself, and
then I blackmailed him for almost
sixty thousand dollars. Pass the
asparagus.

CAROLYN
Your father seems to think this kind
of behavior is something to be proud
of.

LESTER
And your mother seems to prefer I go
through life like a fucking prisoner
while she keeps my dick in a mason
jar under the sink.

CAROLYN
(ashen)
How dare you speak to me that way in
front of her? And I marvel that you
can be so contemptuous of me, on the
same day that you lose your job!

LESTER
Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not
like, "Oops, where'd my job go?" I
quit. Someone pass me the asparagus.

CAROLYN
Oh! Oh! And I want to thank you for
putting me under the added pressure
of being the sole breadwinner now­­

LESTER
I already have a job.

CAROLYN
(not stopping)
No, no, don't give a second thought
as to who's going to pay the
mortgage. We'll just leave it all up
to Carolyn. You mean, you're going
to take care of everything now,
Carolyn? Yes. I don't mind. I really
don't. You mean, everything? You
don't mind having the sole
responsibility, your husband feels
he can just quit his job­­

LESTER
(overlapping)
Will someone pass me the fucking
asparagus?

JANE
(rises)
Okay, I'm not going to be a part of
this­­

LESTER
(means it)
Sit down.

Jane does so, surprised and intimidated by the power in his
voice. Lester gets up, crosses to the other side of the
table to get a PLATE OF ASPARAGUS, then sits again as he
serves himself.

LESTER (CONT'D)
I'm sick and tired of being treated
like I don't exist. You two do
whatever you want to do whenever you
want to do it and I don't complain.
All I want is the same courtesy­­

CAROLYN
(overlapping)
Oh, you don't complain? Oh, excuse
me. Excuse me. I must be psychotic
then, if you don't complain. What is
this?! Am I locked away in a padded
cell somewhere, hallucinating?
That's the only explanation I can
think of­­

Lester hurls the plate of asparagus against the wall with
such force it SHATTERS, frightening Carolyn and Jane.

LESTER
(casual)
Don't interrupt me, honey.

He goes back to eating his meal, as if nothing unusual has
happened. Carolyn sits in her chair, shivering with rage.
Jane just stares at the plate in front of her.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Oh, and another thing. From now on,
we're going to alternate our dinner
music. Because frankly, and I don't
think I'm alone here, I'm really
tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Ricky's bedroom, he shows Jane a video of a plastic bag dancing in the wind, which leads to an intimate moment between them. Meanwhile, at the Burnham house, Lester quits his job and confesses it to his family during dinner, causing a conflict with Carolyn. Lester asserts his presence and hurls a plate of asparagus against the wall, ending the scene on a tense note.
Strengths
  • Intense emotions
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Violent outburst
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, sharp dialogue, and significant character development. It sets the stage for major changes in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family dinner turning into a heated confrontation is a classic yet effective storytelling device. It allows for the exploration of complex family dynamics and underlying tensions.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as long-standing issues between the characters are brought to the surface, leading to potential changes in their relationships and dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to family drama, with a focus on individual agency and power dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and raw, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed through their actions and dialogue. The scene allows for significant character growth and reveals deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, revealing new aspects of their personalities, motivations, and relationships. The confrontations and revelations lead to potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his independence and demand respect from his family. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and recognition of his worth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to express his frustration and dissatisfaction with his current situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with his family's expectations and his own desires.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, emotional, and relational tensions between the characters. It creates a high-stakes situation with significant consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power struggles between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront long-standing issues, make bold decisions, and potentially face significant changes in their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key conflicts, tensions, and developments within the characters and their relationships. It sets the stage for future events and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden emotional outbursts, unexpected actions, and shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and individual autonomy. The protagonist challenges the societal norms of being the sole breadwinner and demands respect for his choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of tension, anger, resentment, and empathy towards the characters. The intense emotions and confrontations make it a memorable and powerful moment in the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict, sharp dialogue, and unpredictable actions of the characters. The audience is drawn into the tension and drama of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and escalating conflict, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and emotional beats. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation, with escalating tension and emotional outbursts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ricky and Jane is philosophical and introspective, which is not in line with the tone and style of the rest of the screenplay. The language used is too complex and does not sound like natural conversation between two teenagers.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The kiss between Jane and Ricky feels forced and unnecessary. It comes out of nowhere and does not contribute to the development of the characters or the plot.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in any meaningful way.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, which makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ricky and Jane to make it more natural and age-appropriate.
  • Add a clear purpose and direction to the scene. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
  • Consider removing the kiss between Jane and Ricky. If it is essential to the story, find a more organic way to incorporate it.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and actions.
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene to make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 27 -  Confrontation and Violence in Jane's Bedroom
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ THAT NIGHT

Jane is sitting on her bed. There is a KNOCK at the door.

JANE
Go. Away.

CAROLYN (O.C.)
Honey, please let me in.

Jane rolls her eyes, crosses to the door and lets Carolyn
in.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
I wish that you hadn't witnessed
that awful scene tonight. But in a
way, I'm glad.

JANE
Why, so I could see what freaks you
and Dad really are?

CAROLYN
Me?

She stares at Jane, then starts to cry.

JANE
Aw, Christ, Mom.

CAROLYN
(tearful)
No, I'm glad because you're old
enough now to learn the most
important lesson in life: you cannot
count on anyone except yourself.
(sighs)
You cannot count on anyone except
yourself. It's sad, but true, and
the sooner you learn it, the better.
JANE
Look, Mom, I really don't feel like
having a Kodak moment here, okay?

Carolyn suddenly SLAPS Jane, hard.

CAROLYN
You ungrateful little brat. Just
look at everything you have. When I
was your age, I lived in a duplex.
We didn't even have our own house.

Embarrassed, she quickly leaves. Jane looks in a mirror and
rubs her cheek, then crosses to the window and looks out.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

Jane's POV: We're across from Ricky's room, looking in. He
stands at the window with his DIGICAM, videotaping us. On
the WIDE­SCREEN TV behind him, we see Jane standing in her
window as she looks across at him. She waves. Ricky just
keeps videotaping. A beat, then she starts to take off her
shirt.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

We're behind Ricky as he videotapes Jane in her window. She
has now removed her shirt. She stands there in her bra, then
reaches behind her back to unhook the bra.

On VIDEO: We ZOOM toward her as she takes off her bra
clumsily. She's obviously embarrassed, but she's gone this
far and there's no turning back. She stands there with her
breasts exposed, trying to look defiant, but she's achingly
vulnerable...

Suddenly, the door is thrown open and the Colonel enters,
incensed. Startled, Ricky turns around. As soon as his eyes
meet his father's, he knows what's up.

COLONEL
You little bastard­­

Ricky scrambles to dodge his father, but the Colonel is too
fast; he punches Ricky in the face, knocking him to the
floor.

COLONEL (CONT'D)
How did you get in there?

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

From her window, Jane watches, pulling the drapes in front
of her.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS

Jane's POV: In the WINDOW across from us, the Colonel
proceeds to give Ricky a serious beating, punching his face.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky's lip is bleeding, but he maintains a steady gaze at
his father during this violence.

COLONEL
(unnerved)
How!? How?! C'mon, get up! Fight
back, you little pussy!

RICKY
No, sir. I won't fight you.
The Colonel grabs him by the collar.

COLONEL
How did you get in there?

RICKY
I picked the lock, sir.

COLONEL
What were you looking for? Money?
Are you on dope again?

RICKY
No, sir. I wanted to show my
girlfriend your Nazi plate.

A beat.

COLONEL
Girlfriend?

RICKY
Yes, sir. She lives next door.

The Colonel glances toward the window.

His POV: In the WINDOW across from us, Jane peeks out from
behind the drape. She quickly pulls it shut.

RICKY (CONT'D)
Her name's Jane.

A beat. The Colonel is suddenly, deeply shamed.

COLONEL
This is for your own good, boy. You
have no respect for other people's
things, for authority, for...

RICKY
Sir, I'm sorry.

COLONEL
You can't just go around doing
whatever you feel like, you can't­­
there are rules in life­­

RICKY
Yes, sir.

COLONEL
You need structure, you need
discipline­­

RICKY
(simultaneous)
Discipline. Yes, sir, thank you for
trying to teach me. Don't give up on
me, Dad.

The Colonel stands, still breathing heavily. Tenderness
fills his face, and he reaches out to touch Ricky's cheek.

COLONEL
Oh, Ricky...

But something keeps him from doing it.

COLONEL (CONT'D)
You stay out of there.

He leaves. Ricky gets up and goes to his bureau. He looks at
his reflection in the mirror, calmly takes a cloth and
starts to wipe the blood from his face.

FADE TO BLACK.

In darkness, we HEAR repetitive GUNSHOTS.

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Jane is confronted by her mother, Carolyn, about a previous argument, resulting in Carolyn slapping Jane and expressing her disappointment. Meanwhile, Ricky is beaten by his father in the next room for videotaping Jane undressing. The scene is tense and emotional, with both Jane and Ricky experiencing physical and emotional pain. It ends with the Colonel feeling deeply shamed and Jane watching the violence unfold from her window.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Physical violence
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity and conflict between the characters, drawing the audience into the turbulent family dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the breakdown of communication and understanding within a family unit is well-executed, providing depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the exploration of the characters' relationships and conflicts, adding layers of tension and drama to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to family drama, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional growth and change throughout the scene, particularly in their interactions and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Jane's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and push back against her mother's attempts to control her. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and self-reliance, as well as her fear of being trapped in a dysfunctional family dynamic.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the fallout from witnessing a disturbing family altercation and maintain a sense of control over her own life amidst the chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is palpable and drives the emotional intensity of the scene, creating a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions and creating suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in the emotional turmoil and strained relationships between the characters, adding tension and drama to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the shifting power dynamics within the family.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the mother's belief in self-reliance and the daughter's desire for emotional connection and support. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about independence and the importance of familial bonds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the portrayal of the strained mother-daughter relationship and the vulnerability of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters, enhancing the intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, dramatic conflicts, and relatable character struggles that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for emotional moments to resonate, and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and a build-up of tension.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Jane and Carolyn is somewhat forced and unnatural. Carolyn's sudden shift from crying to delivering a life lesson feels abrupt and unconvincing. Additionally, Jane's response, which is intended to be defiant, comes across as a bit too flippant, undermining the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The physical violence depicted in this scene, particularly the Colonel's brutal beating of Ricky, is graphic and potentially disturbing. While it may serve to convey the intensity of the emotions at play, it could be toned down or handled more subtly to maintain a balance between dramatic impact and viewer sensitivity.
  • The motivation for Ricky's actions in videotaping Jane undressing is unclear. While it hints at his voyeuristic tendencies, more context or character development could help the audience understand his intentions and empathize with his character.
  • The introduction of the Colonel's Nazi plate feels somewhat out of place and unnecessary for the overall narrative. It could be considered a distraction from the main storyline and detract from the emotional impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue between Jane and Carolyn to make it more natural and emotionally resonant. Explore Carolyn's frustrations and insecurities in a way that evokes empathy, while giving Jane a more nuanced response that reflects her own struggles and vulnerabilities.
  • Consider toning down the graphic nature of the violence or finding alternative ways to convey the emotional turmoil of the characters without resorting to explicit physical harm. This could involve using more symbolic or metaphorical language, or focusing on the psychological impact of the situation rather than the physical.
  • Develop Ricky's character further to provide a clearer understanding of his motivations for videotaping Jane. Explore his feelings towards her, his struggles with voyeurism, and the consequences of his actions.
  • Re-evaluate the inclusion of the Colonel's Nazi plate. Consider whether it contributes meaningfully to the story or if it can be removed without compromising the overall narrative. If it is retained, provide more context and exploration of its significance to enhance its relevance and impact.



Scene 28 -  Carolyn's Anger and Lester's New Car
INT. INDOOR FIRING RANGE ­ ONE MONTH LATER

Carolyn, wearing PROTECTIVE HEADGEAR, is holding a GLOCK 19
AUTOMATIC REVOLVER with both hands, FIRING it directly at
us.

She empties a round and stands there, exhilarated. An
ATTENDANT approaches with a new round of ammunition.

ATTENDANT
(loading gun)
I gotta say, Mrs. Burnham, when you
first came here I thought you would
be hopeless. But you're a natural.

CAROLYN
Well, all I know is... I love
shooting this gun!

And she starts FIRING again.

INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ LATER

Bobby Darin sings "DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE" on the RADIO.
Carolyn SINGS along as she drives. Her face has lost its
usual resolute determination; she's actually enjoying
herself spontaneously, and the lack of her usual self­
consciousness allows us to see just how beautiful she is.

ANGLE ON the GLOCK 19 sitting on the passenger seat amidst
some CDs.

Carolyn takes the gun and holds it at arm's length, admiring
it as she continues to SING.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ CONTINUOUS

The Mercedes turns onto Robin Hood Trail.

INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn's POV: We turn into the Burnham driveway. A 1970
PONTIAC FIREBIRD with racing stripes blocks our access to
the garage.

CLOSE on Carolyn: She doesn't like having things in her way.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FAMILY ROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Lester's REMOTE­CONTROLLED MODEL JEEP is zooming across the
floor of the family room, expertly maneuvering corners and
narrowly avoiding crashing.

Lester is sprawled on the couch in his underwear, drinking a
BEER and controlling the car. His working out is beginning
to produce results. The room, too, seems changed: sloppier,
more lived in.

Carolyn enters through the kitchen, flushed and angry. She
just stands there, staring at Lester. After a moment, he
looks up at her.

LESTER
What?
CAROLYN
Ah, whose car is that out front?

LESTER
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car
I always wanted and now I have it. I
rule!

CAROLYN
Where's the Camry?

LESTER
I traded it in.

CAROLYN
Shouldn't you have consulted me
first?

LESTER
Hmm, let me think... No. You never
drove it.
(then)
Have you done something different?
You look great.

CAROLYN
(brusque)
Where's Jane?

LESTER
Jane not home. We have the whole
house to ourselves.

He smiles at her playfully. She stares back, annoyed. It's
the same look she had at the beginning, when he dropped his
briefcase, but whatever power that look had is gone. Lester
just LAUGHS.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Christ, Carolyn. When did you become
so... joyless?

CAROLYN
(taken aback)
Joyless?! I am not joyless! There
happens to be a lot about me that
you don't know, mister smarty man.
There is plenty of joy in my life.

LESTER
(leaning toward her)
Whatever happened to that girl who
used to fake seizures at frat
parties when she got bored? And who
used to run up to the roof of our
first apartment building to flash
the traffic helicopters? Have you
totally forgotten about her? Because
I haven't.

His face is close to hers, and suddenly the atmosphere is
charged. She pulls back automatically, but it's clear she's
drawn to him. He smiles, and moves even closer, holding his
beer loosely balanced. Then, just before their lips meet...

CAROLYN
(barely audible)
Lester. You're going to spill beer
on the couch.

She's immediately sorry she said it, but it's too late. His
smile fades, and the moment is gone.
LESTER
So what? It's just a couch.

CAROLYN
This is a four thousand dollar sofa
upholstered in Italian silk. This is
not "just a couch."

LESTER
It's just a couch!

He stands and gestures toward all the things in the room.

LESTER (CONT'D)
This isn't life. This is just stuff.
And it's become more important to
you than living. Well, honey, that's
just nuts.

Carolyn stares at him, on the verge of tears, then turns and
walks out of the room before he can see her cry.

LESTER (CONT'D)
(calls after her)
I'm only trying to help you.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Carolyn, who has been practicing at a shooting range, comes home to find Lester's new car blocking the garage. Lester, who has been working out and letting the house get messy, tries to reconcile with her, but Carolyn, annoyed at Lester's actions, walks away after an argument.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters, setting the stage for significant developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting material possessions with true happiness is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the tension between Lester and Carolyn reaches a boiling point, leading to potential consequences for their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh dynamics between the characters, blending elements of drama, humor, and tension in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Carolyn are well-developed, with their conflicting personalities and desires driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Lester and Carolyn undergo emotional changes in the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities and relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Carolyn's internal goal is to assert her control and independence, while also seeking validation and recognition for her abilities and desires.

External Goal: 7

Carolyn's external goal is to confront Lester about his decisions and assert her authority in their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Carolyn is palpable, with their differing values and frustrations coming to a head in a confrontational manner.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the potential consequences for Lester and Carolyn's marriage, as their fundamental differences come to a head.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and shifts in power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between materialism and living authentically. Lester challenges Carolyn's focus on material possessions and status, urging her to prioritize experiences and emotions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, as the audience witnesses the breakdown of a marriage and the characters' inner turmoil.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding layers to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts between the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the unexpected twists in the plot.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts, contributing to the overall narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Carolyn enthusiastically firing a gun at an indoor shooting range, showcasing her newfound confidence and interest in firearms.
  • As she drives home, Carolyn continues to sing along to the radio and holds the gun on the passenger seat, hinting at a shift in her character.
  • Upon arriving home, Carolyn confronts Lester about his newly acquired Pontiac Firebird, highlighting the change in their relationship dynamics and Lester's newfound sense of freedom.
  • Lester's playful and confrontational demeanor towards Carolyn underscores the power shift within their marriage, as he challenges her previous dominant role.
  • The scene ends with Lester questioning Carolyn's perceived joylessness and her subsequent withdrawal, leaving unresolved tension between them.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to Carolyn's newfound enthusiasm for shooting to provide a clearer understanding of her motivations and character development.
  • Explore the significance of the gun in Carolyn's journey, potentially symbolizing her newfound empowerment or a shift in her coping mechanisms.
  • Provide more details about Lester's Pontiac Firebird, such as its significance to his character or its role in his transformation.
  • Expand on the emotional impact of Lester's confrontational behavior on Carolyn, delving deeper into her vulnerabilities and the underlying power struggle.
  • Consider adding a stronger resolution to the scene, either through a reconciliation between Lester and Carolyn or an escalation of their conflict.



Scene 29 -  Intimate Conversations and Insecurities
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ NIGHT

On VIDEO: Jane lays in Ricky's bed, wearing a tank top. She
glances at us.

JANE
(shy)
Don't.

We're watching the WIDE­SCREEN TV in Ricky's room.

A CORD leads from the TV to Ricky's DIGICAM. Ricky holds the
camera, sitting naked in a chair. It's been almost a month
since his father beat him up, and there are still slight
SCARS on his face. He's aiming his camera at Jane.

RICKY
Why?

JANE
(re: image on TV)
It's weird, watching myself. I don't
like how I look.

RICKY
I can't believe you don't know how
beautiful you are.

JANE
I'm not going to sit here for that
shit.

She gets out of bed, takes his Digicam and focuses it on
him. We see his image on the TV as she videotapes.

JANE (CONT'D)
Ha. How does it feel now?

RICKY
Fine.

JANE
You don't feel naked?

RICKY
I am naked.
JANE
You know what I mean.

Jane ZOOMS in on his face, which remains placid.

JANE (CONT'D)
Tell me about being in the hospital.

Ricky smiles.

RICKY
When I was fifteen, my dad caught me
smoking dope. He totally freaked and
decided to send me to military
school. I told you his whole thing
about structure and discipline,
right?
(laughs)
Well, of course, I got kicked out.
Dad and I had this huge fight, and
he hit me... and then the next day
at school, some kid made a crack
about my haircut, and... I just
snapped. I wanted to kill him. And I
would have. Killed him. If they
hadn't pulled me off.
(then)
That's when my dad put me in the
hospital. Then they drugged me up
and left me in there for two years.

JANE
Wow. You must really hate him.

RICKY
He's not a bad man.

He grabs a half­smoked JOINT from an ashtray and lights it.

JANE
Well... you better believe I'd hate
my father if he did something like
that to me.
(laughs)
Wait. I do hate my father.

RICKY
Why?

He passes her the joint, then takes the Digicam and focuses
it on her. We see her image on the TV as he videotapes.

JANE
He's a total asshole and he's got
this crush on my friend Angela and
it's disgusting.

RICKY
You'd rather he had the crush on
you?

JANE
Gross, no! But it'd be nice if I was
anywhere near as important to him as
she is.
(then)
I know you think my dad's harmless,
but you're wrong. He's doing massive
psychological damage to me.

RICKY
How?
Jane looks into the camera, a loopy, stoned grin on her
face.

JANE
Well, now, I too need structure. A
little fucking discipline.

They LAUGH. She lays back on the bed.

JANE (CONT'D)
I'm serious, though. How could he
not be damaging me? I need a father
who's a role model, not some horny
geek­boy who's gonna spray his
shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend
home from school.
(snorts)
What a lame­o. Somebody really
should put him out of his misery.

Her mind wanders for a beat.

RICKY
Want me to kill him for you?

Jane looks at him and sits up.

JANE
Yeah, would you?

RICKY
(smiles)
It'll cost you.

JANE
Well, I've been baby­sitting since I
was about ten. I've got almost three
thousand dollars. 'Course, I was
saving it up for a boob job.

She stands and sticks out her breasts, then falls back on
the bed, LAUGHING.

JANE (CONT'D)
But my tits can wait, huh?

RICKY
You know, that's not a very nice
thing to do, hiring somebody to kill
your dad.

JANE
Well, I guess I'm just not a very
nice girl, then, am I?

She smiles dreamily at him. He turns the Digicam off and the
TV screen goes BLUE. He lowers the camera and looks at her
intently.

JANE (CONT'D)
(suddenly nervous)
You know I'm not serious, right?

RICKY
Of course.

He puts the Digicam down and joins Jane on the bed. A long
moment where neither of them speaks. He caresses her hair,
gazing into her eyes.

RICKY (CONT'D)
Do you know how lucky we are to have
found each other?
FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Jane and Ricky share personal stories and insecurities in an intimate bedroom scene, discussing their strained relationships with their fathers. Jane playfully offers Ricky money to 'kill' her father, but later admits she's not serious. The scene ends with a moment of intimacy between the two.
Strengths
  • Intimate character development
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally resonant, delving into the characters' inner thoughts and vulnerabilities. The intimate conversation between Jane and Ricky adds depth to their relationship and sets the stage for further development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring past traumas, desires, and vulnerabilities through intimate conversations is well-executed in this scene. It adds layers to the characters and deepens the audience's understanding of their motivations.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it provides crucial character development and sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions. The emotional depth adds richness to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of teenage relationships and family dynamics, with characters expressing raw emotions and engaging in thought-provoking conversations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses heavily on Jane and Ricky, showcasing their complex emotions, past traumas, and budding connection. Their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Both Jane and Ricky experience emotional growth and vulnerability in the scene, opening up about their past traumas and desires. This vulnerability deepens their connection and sets the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with Jane on a deeper level and express his feelings for her. This reflects his need for emotional intimacy and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to engage in a flirtatious and playful interaction with Jane. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating their complicated relationship dynamics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is an underlying tension in the characters' past traumas and desires, the scene focuses more on emotional intimacy and connection rather than external conflicts. The conflict is more internal and emotional.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with the characters facing internal conflicts and moral dilemmas that add complexity to their interactions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' past traumas, desires, and vulnerabilities. While the emotional impact is high, the external stakes are relatively low.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions by establishing the emotional depth and vulnerabilities of the characters. It adds richness to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' shifting emotions and conflicting viewpoints, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' views on family, relationships, and morality. Jane's resentment towards her father contrasts with Ricky's more forgiving attitude, challenging their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, delving into the characters' vulnerabilities, desires, and past traumas. The intimate conversation between Jane and Ricky evokes empathy and connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic, intimate, and revealing, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It establishes a strong connection between Jane and Ricky and drives the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intimate and emotionally charged interactions between the characters, drawing the audience into their complex relationship dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' interactions to unfold naturally and engagingly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, effectively building tension and emotional depth. It adheres to the expected structure for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with natural dialogue and good pacing. The characters' emotions and thoughts are well-conveyed, and the tension between them is palpable.
  • The use of the digicam to film each other adds an interesting dynamic to the scene, highlighting the characters' vulnerability and intimacy.
  • The scene could benefit from a clearer indication of the characters' emotions during their conversation. While their dialogue is strong, their facial expressions and body language could be more explicitly described to enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to convey the characters' emotions, such as their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.
  • Explore the possibility of adding subtext to the dialogue, which could further deepen the characters' relationship and add layers to their conversation.
  • Consider developing the scene further by having the characters interact in a different way after their conversation, such as sharing a moment of physical intimacy or discussing their feelings more openly.



Scene 30 -  Lester's Morning Run and Conflict with Jane
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ EARLY MORNING

We're FLYING above Robin Hood Trail. We see the BURNHAM'S
HOUSE below us as we APPROACH it steadily.

LESTER
Remember those posters that said,
"Today is the first day of the rest
of your life?" Well, that's true of
every day except one.
(a beat)
The day you die.

We're almost on top of the Burnham house now, as Lester,
wearing sweatpants and running shoes, bursts out of the
front door and dashes up the driveway.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

We're now at street level, as Lester runs toward us. He
carries a WALKMAN and wears EARPHONES, and we HEAR ROCK
MUSIC as he runs. The endorphins have kicked in, and Lester
grins, reveling in the sheer physical pleasure of his body.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

The blender GRINDS as Lester, still in his sweatpants, makes
himself a high­protein shake. He's in excellent shape; even
his posture has changed, and he moves with the confident,
easy swagger of an athlete. Jane watches him blankly from
the kitchen table.

Carolyn enters. Lester leans against the counter, drinking
his shake directly from the blender pitcher, eyeing her.
He's got a newfound sexual energy that makes her
uncomfortable, and he knows it. Carolyn quickly rinses off
her coffee cup, avoiding his eyes, and starts out.

CAROLYN
Jane, hurry up. I've got a very
important appointment­­

JANE
Mom, is it okay if Angela sleeps
over tonight?

Jane looks at Lester to see how he reacts. He doesn't.

CAROLYN
Well, of course, she's always
welcome.
(on her way out)
You know, I thought maybe you two
had a fight. I haven't seen her
around here in a while.

And she's gone. Jane continues staring at her father.
Finally, he glances over at her.

LESTER
What?

JANE
(nervous)
I've been too embarrassed to bring
her over. Because of you, and the
way that you behave.
LESTER
What are you talking about? I've
barely even spoken to her.

JANE
(angry)
Dad! You stare at her all the time,
like you're drunk! It's disgusting!

LESTER
(angry himself)
You better watch yourself, Janie, or
you're going to turn into a real
bitch, just like your mother.

Jane is stunned. She quickly rises, trying to get out of the
kitchen before she starts crying.

ANGLE on Lester, and the immediate regret in his eyes.

LESTER (CONT'D)
(under his breath)
Fuck.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary The scene opens with Lester's morning run, showcasing his newfound energy and happiness. Inside the Burnham house, Lester's behavior towards Angela becomes the center of conflict, leading to a heated argument with Jane in the kitchen. Lester's regret comes too late, and the scene ends with Jane in tears, leaving the kitchen. The main conflict remains unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the escalating conflict within the family, with strong emotional undertones and impactful dialogue. The tension between characters is palpable, and the regret felt by Lester adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dysfunction and miscommunication is well-executed in this scene. It sets the stage for further exploration of the characters' relationships and internal struggles.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we witness the deteriorating relationships within the Burnham family. The scene sets up future conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family dynamics and personal transformation, with authentic character interactions and realistic dialogue that set it apart from conventional portrayals of similar situations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions. Lester's regret and Jane's anger are portrayed convincingly, adding depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences regret for his harsh words towards Jane, showcasing a moment of introspection and self-awareness. This sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound confidence and sexual energy, which reflects his desire for validation and a sense of control over his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of confidence and control in front of his family, despite the underlying tension and conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester, Jane, and Carolyn is intense and emotionally charged. The scene is filled with confrontations and heated exchanges, heightening the tension within the family.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions and dialogue, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension that propels the plot forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the emotional impact on the characters and the potential consequences of their actions. The scene sets the stage for significant changes and revelations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflicts and tensions within the Burnham family. It sets up future plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift in the protagonist's behavior, the unexpected confrontation between family members, and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between appearances and reality, as the protagonist's actions and words reveal his true nature and insecurities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly feelings of tension, regret, and anger. The characters' emotional turmoil is palpable and resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the underlying tensions and emotions between the characters. It effectively conveys the conflict and dynamics within the family.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the suspenseful buildup of tension, and the unexpected revelations that drive the plot forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and emotional intensity with quieter, introspective moments, creating a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a voiceover from Lester, which is a good way to set the tone and introduce the theme of the scene. However, the voiceover is a bit too long and could be shortened to make the scene more concise.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Jane is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people talk, and it makes the scene feel a bit forced.
  • The conflict between Lester and Jane is not very clear. It seems like Jane is upset with Lester for staring at Angela, but it's not clear why this is such a big deal to her. The conflict needs to be more developed in order to make it believable and engaging.
  • The scene ends with Lester regretting his words. This is a good way to show that he's not a bad person, but it doesn't really resolve the conflict between him and Jane. The scene needs a stronger ending that leaves the audience with a sense of closure.
  • Overall, the scene has a lot of potential, but it needs to be rewritten to make the dialogue more natural, develop the conflict more clearly, and give the scene a stronger ending.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the voiceover to make the scene more concise.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Lester and Jane to make it more natural and believable.
  • Develop the conflict between Lester and Jane more clearly by giving Jane a more specific reason for being upset with him.
  • Give the scene a stronger ending by having Lester and Jane resolve their conflict or by leaving the audience with a sense of closure.



Scene 31 -  The Colonel's Curious Discovery
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ UPSTAIRS HALLWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

We're outside Ricky's room, MOVING slowly toward the open
door, through which we can see Ricky, standing at his bureau
mirror, combing his hair. The scars on his face are almost
gone now.

A REVERSE ANGLE reveals the Colonel standing outside the
door looking in, watching Ricky with great tenderness. Then
Ricky looks up at him, and the Colonel is suddenly self­
conscious.

COLONEL
(brusque)
You ready to go?

RICKY
Oh, I don't need a ride. I'm going
to go in with Jane and her mom.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE ­ FRONT PORCH ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky emerges from the house, followed by the Colonel, who
watches his son as he heads toward the Burnham house.

His POV: Carolyn waves from the Mercedes, flashing an
insincere smile. Jane leans forward from the passenger seat
and glares at us. As Ricky starts to get in the car, Lester
emerges from the house in his sweatpants.

LESTER
Yo, Ricky. How's it going?

RICKY
Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.

Ricky pulls his door shut, but not before Lester mouths
"call me" and Ricky gives a slight nod in acknowledgment.

CLOSE on the Colonel's face: he looks confused.

As the Mercedes backs out of the driveway, Lester glances
over at him.

Lester's POV: The Colonel watches the car driving off, then
looks at us. His face tightens.

LESTER studies him for a moment, then grins and salutes
before going inside the house.
CLOSE on the Colonel, deeply troubled.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S ROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

The door swings open silently and the Colonel enters. He
starts going through Ricky's bureau. He opens the DRAWER in
which we know Ricky keeps his marijuana, but he doesn't
discover its false bottom. He stands and looks around, his
eyes finally landing on:

The DIGICAM and a stack of CASSETTES on a shelf. The camera
is still connected to the TV.

The Colonel turns on the TV, examines the Digicam and
presses "play." The TV's blank screen suddenly gives way
to...

On VIDEO: Barbara Fitts sits at the kitchen table, staring
off into space.

The Colonel watches, at first baffled, then impatient. He
takes the cassette out of the Digicam and inserts another.
On the TV screen we see...

On VIDEO: Through the Burnham's GARAGE WINDOW, we see Lester
step out of his pants and briefs. Then, naked except for his
black socks, he grabs the dumbbells and starts lifting them,
watching his reflection in the window as he does...

The Colonel sinks slowly onto Ricky's bed, mesmerized.

INT. MR. SMILEY'S ­ LATER

Lester, wearing a Mr. Smiley's uniform, is happily flipping
burgers on a grill.

CO­WORKER
Hey Lester, I need that Super Smiley
with cheese, A.S.A.P.

LESTER
You need more than that, my little
hombre.

Lester looks up suddenly when he HEARS:

CAROLYN (O.S.)
(over speakers)
What's good here?

BUDDY (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Nothing.

CAROLYN (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Then I guess we'll just have to be
bad, won't we?
(then)
I think I'll have a double Smiley
Sandwich and curly fries, and a
vanilla shake.

BUDDY (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Make that two.

COUNTER GIRL (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Please drive around thank you.

Lester's face darkens, then... he smiles. He puts his
spatula down.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene takes place in Ricky's house and briefly at Mr. Smiley's. The Colonel, with tenderness, watches Ricky comb his hair and later discovers Ricky's hidden marijuana stash and watches incriminating videos on Ricky's Digicam. Lester, who works at Mr. Smiley's, interacts with Ricky and the Colonel, while Carolyn and Jane briefly appear in a car. The conflict arises when the Colonel finds Ricky's stash, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere. The scene ends with Lester smiling at Mr. Smiley's after hearing Carolyn's order over the speakers.
Strengths
  • Effective character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel rushed
  • Lack of resolution in certain conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of tension, humor, and emotional depth. It effectively moves the story forward and sets up further conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of revealing hidden truths, exploring family dynamics, and showcasing personal struggles is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with various revelations and confrontations between characters, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on family dynamics and suburban life, with a focus on hidden secrets and complex relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding layers to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their dynamics and behaviors, leading to potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ricky's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his facade of normalcy and detachment, despite the turmoil within his family and his own struggles.

External Goal: 7

Ricky's external goal is to navigate the complex dynamics between his family members and maintain his relationships with them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are multiple conflicts present in the scene, both internal and external, which heighten the tension and drive the story forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of personal relationships, family dynamics, and individual desires, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and revelations, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of appearance versus reality, as characters struggle to maintain their facades while dealing with internal turmoil.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, humor, and empathy, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and emotional depth, keeping the audience invested in the characters and their relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression, building tension and revealing character dynamics effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by providing more context for the Colonel's actions.
  • The Colonel's sudden interest in Ricky's Digicam is not fully explained, and his subsequent discovery of the incriminating videos feels a bit contrived.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by incorporating more camera movement and varying the shot sizes.
  • The dialogue could be more natural and realistic, especially between the Colonel and Lester.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it would be helpful to see more of the Colonel's reaction to the videos.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief line of dialogue or narration to explain why the Colonel is so interested in Ricky's Digicam.
  • Consider having the Colonel discover the false bottom of the marijuana drawer, which would lead him to the incriminating videos in a more logical way.
  • Use more camera movement to create a sense of tension and suspense, and vary the shot sizes to keep the audience engaged.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between the Colonel and Lester to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Add a few more lines of dialogue or narration at the end of the scene to show the Colonel's reaction to the videos and to provide a stronger sense of closure.



Scene 32 -  Awkward Drive-Thru Encounter
EXT. MR. SMILEY'S ­ CONTINUOUS

The Mercedes pulls around to the DRIVE­THRU WINDOW. Carolyn
drives; Buddy sits beside her.

CAROLYN
I think we deserve a little junk
food, after the workout we had this
morning.

BUDDY
(nuzzles her neck)
I'm flattered.

They are too involved with each other to notice Lester
watching them from the drive­thru window.

LESTER
(overly cheerful)
Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's!

Carolyn almost jumps out of her skin.

Lester leans out of the drive­thru window, grinning at her,
holding bags filled with fast food. The Counter Girl stands
next to him, staring blankly.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Would you like to try our new beef
and cheese pot pie on a stick, just
a dollar ninety­nine for a limited
time only?

Carolyn struggles to appear nonchalant.

CAROLYN
(re: Buddy)
We were just at a seminar.
(then, all business)
Buddy, this is my­­

LESTER
Her husband. We've met before, but
something tells me you're going to
remember me this time.

COUNTER GIRL
(to Carolyn)
Whoa. You are so busted.

CAROLYN
(flustered)
You know, this really doesn't
concern you.

LESTER
Actually, Janeane is senior drive­
thru manager, so you kind of are on
her turf.
(to Carolyn, quietly)
So. This makes sense.

CAROLYN
(miserable)
Oh, Lester­­

LESTER
Honey, it's okay. I want you to be
happy.
(then)
Would you like Smiley Sauce with
that?
CAROLYN
Lester, just stop it!

LESTER
Uh­uh. You don't get to tell me what
to do. Ever again.

Carolyn closes her eyes, defeated, then grabs the wheel,
shifts gears and drives off.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense scene, Carolyn and her husband Buddy drive up to Mr. Smiley's restaurant drive-thru window, where they are served by Lester. Lester, who has a history with Carolyn, teases her about her relationship, causing her to become flustered and drive off, leaving Buddy and the Counter Girl behind. The conflict of Lester's teasing is not resolved, and the scene ends with Carolyn's defeat.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Predictable character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the escalating tension between Lester and Carolyn, culminating in a moment of defiance and empowerment.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using a fast-food drive-thru as a setting for a marital confrontation is unique and adds an interesting layer to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Lester and Carolyn's relationship reaches a breaking point, setting the stage for further conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a mundane situation with a comedic twist. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Lester and Carolyn's characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Lester and Carolyn undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control despite feeling embarrassed and exposed. This reflects her deeper fear of judgment and failure in her personal life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid a confrontation with Lester and maintain her composure in front of Buddy. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with an awkward situation in a public setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Carolyn is intense and reaches a climax, driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the awkward situation and resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Lester and Carolyn's marriage faces a critical moment of confrontation and potential change.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the humorous twists in the dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between personal integrity and societal expectations. Carolyn struggles to balance her desire for privacy and control with the drive-thru employees' intrusion into her personal life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions as the characters confront their issues and assert their individuality.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the underlying tensions and power dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, tension, and character development in a short, impactful scene. The audience is drawn into the awkward situation and invested in the characters' reactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the standard format for a screenplay. The dialogue is properly formatted, and the scene directions are descriptive and engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedic screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, engaging the audience and advancing the plot.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more conflict between Carolyn and Lester.
  • The dialogue is realistic and believable, but it could be more concise.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding more movement and gestures.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it could be more satisfying by adding more resolution between Carolyn and Lester.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict between Carolyn and Lester by having them argue about their relationship or their finances.
  • Concise the dialogue by cutting out unnecessary words and phrases.
  • Add more movement and gestures to the scene by having Carolyn and Lester move around more and use more hand gestures.
  • Add more resolution between Carolyn and Lester by having them talk about their problems and come to a better understanding of each other.



Scene 33 -  Marital Strife, Teenage Love, and Self-Reflection
EXT. TOP HAT MOTEL ­ A SHORT TIME LATER

The sky is filled with ominous gray clouds. Wind whips
garbage across the parking lot as Carolyn's Mercedes pulls
in next to Buddy's Jaguar.

INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn grips the wheel tightly, staring straight ahead.
Buddy looks at her unhappily.

BUDDY
I'm sorry. I guess we should cool it
for a while. I'm facing a
potentially very expensive divorce.

CAROLYN
Oh, no. I understand completely.
(sarcastic)
In order to be successful, one must
project an image of success. At all
times.

She regrets it the second it's out of her mouth, and turns
to him. He just looks at her sadly, then gets out of the car
and shuts the door. She starts to CRY. As before, she SLAPS
herself, hard.

CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Stop it. Stop it!

She closes her eyes tight, trying to stop the tears, then
suddenly SCREAMS as loud as she can.

EXT. TOP HAT MOTEL ­ CONTINUOUS

Buddy's Jaguar speeds off, leaving the Mercedes alone in the
parking lot. We can still HEAR Carolyn's muffled SCREAMING.
There is a sound of distant THUNDER.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ THAT NIGHT

It's RAINING outside. We HEAR ROCK MUSIC as Lester pumps
iron. He puts the weights down and looks at his REFLECTION
in the window:

His POV: His arms are pumped. He smiles.

He reaches under the bench and grabs a CIGAR BOX. Opening
it, he digs through MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA, only to pull
out an empty ZIP­LOC BAG.

LESTER
Shit.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky and the Colonel sit at the table, eating in silence.
Barbara rinses off a pan at the sink, then stares at it as
if she can't quite remember what she meant to do with it. We
suddenly HEAR a BEEPING noise. Ricky pulls his BEEPER off
his belt and checks it.
RICKY
(getting up)
I have to run next door. Jane left
her geometry book in my bag and she
needs it to do her homework.

He heads into the hall. The Colonel watches him go, uneasy.

INT. ANGELA'S BMW ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela drives, squinting through the windshield as the
wipers move back and forth.

ANGELA
So you and psycho boy are fucking on
like, a regular basis now, right?

JANE
(irritable)
No.

ANGELA
Oh, come on. You can tell me. Does
he have a big dick?

JANE
Look, I'm not gonna talk about his
dick with you, okay? It's not like
that.

ANGELA
Not like what? Doesn't he have one?
(then)
Why don't you want to talk about it?
I mean, I tell you every single
detail about every guy that I fuck.

JANE
Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't, all
right? Maybe I don't really want to
hear all that.

ANGELA
Oh, so now that you have a
boyfriend, you're like, above it?
(rolls her eyes)
We gotta get you a real man.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Carolyn and Buddy arrive at the Top Hat Motel, where they have a heated argument about Buddy's infidelity, leading to Carolyn's emotional outburst. Meanwhile, Lester discovers he's run out of marijuana while working out in his garage. Ricky leaves his family's kitchen to get a geometry book for Jane, and Angela drives Jane to a location while discussing Ricky and making judgments about his body. The scene is filled with tension, self-reflection, and conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in conflicts
  • Some dialogue may come off as melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the unraveling relationships between the characters, creating a tense and emotional atmosphere. The use of sarcasm and anger adds layers to the interactions, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of deteriorating relationships and emotional turmoil is well executed in the scene, providing insight into the characters' inner struggles and conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the relationships between the characters reach a breaking point, setting the stage for further developments and conflicts in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of success, vulnerability, and emotional turmoil, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and conflicts are vividly portrayed, showcasing their complexities and inner turmoil. The interactions between Carolyn, Buddy, Lester, Jane, and Angela are compelling and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and confrontations, leading to some changes in their dynamics and relationships, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Carolyn's internal goal is to maintain her facade of success and control her emotions, despite feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

Carolyn's external goal is to navigate her complicated relationship with Buddy and handle the emotional fallout of their conversation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters is palpable, with tensions running high and emotions flaring, leading to confrontations and emotional outbursts.

Opposition: 8

The emotional opposition between the characters adds complexity and depth to the scene, creating uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in the unraveling relationships and emotional turmoil between the characters, with the potential for significant consequences and changes in their lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflicts and tensions between the characters, setting the stage for further developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene explores themes of success, image, and vulnerability. Carolyn's sarcastic remark about projecting an image of success reflects a conflict between appearance and reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, with the characters' struggles and conflicts resonating on an emotional level, creating a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, sarcasm, and emotional turmoil present in the scene, adding depth to the character interactions and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, realistic dialogue, and well-developed characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene transitions are abrupt and could benefit from more fluidity to maintain a consistent narrative flow.
  • Carolyn's emotional outburst, while intense, seems to come out of nowhere and lacks proper build-up, making it feel less impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue or action in the previous scene to hint at Carolyn's emotional state, making her breakdown more believable.
  • Try reworking the scene transitions to create a more seamless flow between the different storylines.
  • Additionally, you may want to develop the subplot of Lester's marijuana stash and the Colonel's discovery of it further, as it seems to be an important plot point.



Scene 34 -  The Colonel's Suspicions and Lester's Intimidation
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

The Colonel rinses off his plate at the sink. Something
outside catches his eye, and he cranes his neck to get a
better look at...

His POV: Through the window over the sink, we can see into
the Burnham's GARAGE WINDOW. Our view is blurred by the
RAIN, but we see Lester, his upper body pumped and
glistening in sweat as he counts out a wad of BILLS... and
then Ricky walks into view.

The Colonel's face tightens.

His POV: Lester drapes his arm around Ricky as he gives him
the money. We can only see Lester from the waist up, so he
looks naked.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky, his hair wet from the rain, puts the cash in his
pocket. Lester's arm remains draped around his shoulder.

RICKY
(grins)
You got any papers?

LESTER
Yeah, in the cigar box, right over
there.
(laughs)
You know, put up a fight, dude! You
are such a pushover. "No I can't.
Really. Okay."

And he slaps Ricky playfully on the chest. Ricky grins, then
squats down and reaches under the weight bench.

RICKY
You should learn to roll a joint.

Lester sits in the bowl chair and leans back, his hands
behind his head, watching Ricky roll the joint.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

The Colonel's POV: Lester leans back in his chair. We see
only Ricky's back and shoulders as he rolls the joint. After
a beat, Lester's jaw drops, then he throws his head back.
From our perspective, it looks very much like Ricky is
giving Lester a blow job.

The Colonel watches, incredulous. Then we HEAR a CAR
APPROACHING, and the Colonel glances over at:

His POV: Angela's BMW pulls into the driveway, stopping
behind Lester's Firebird. As Angela and Jane get out and run
toward the house, our focus MOVES back to the GARAGE WINDOW.
Ricky stands, looking a little panicked. Lester pulls on his
T­shirt, and both he and Ricky cross out of view.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Lester leans nonchalantly against the counter. Jane and
Angela enter. Jane frowns when she sees him.

LESTER
Oh. Hi.

JANE
Where's Mom?

LESTER
Don't know.

ANGELA
Hi, Mr. Burnham.

LESTER
Hi.

He's trying to remain cool, and doing a pretty good job.

ANGELA
Wow. Look at you. Have you been
working out?

LESTER
Some.

Jane rolls her eyes and exits. Angela walks over to Lester.

ANGELA
You can really tell. Look at those
arms.

She places her hand on his arm flirtatiously, looks up at
him and smiles, fully expecting to intimidate him by doing
so.

But something has changed, and he isn't intimidated at all.
He looks directly back at her, leans in and smiles slowly.

LESTER
You like muscles?

His voice is low and intense. She moves away, suddenly
insecure.

ANGELA
I­­I should probably go see what
Jane's up to.

And she heads out quickly. Lester watches her go, baffled.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The Colonel, Lester's neighbor, spies on Lester and Ricky through a kitchen window during a rainstorm, suspecting them of illicit activities. Lester, who has been giving Ricky money and watching him roll a joint, quickly hides their activities when Angela's car pulls up. Lester then intimidates Angela with his newfound confidence, causing her to leave quickly. The scene is tense and suspenseful, with a hint of humor, and ends with Angela's departure.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and showcases character dynamics through dialogue and actions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring power dynamics and insecurities within relationships is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester's behavior affects those around him, leading to conflict and emotional moments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to social interactions and misunderstandings, with a unique blend of humor and tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Lester's newfound confidence and Angela's insecurity showcase character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his cool facade and not be intimidated by Angela's flirtatious behavior. This reflects his desire to regain control and confidence in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid any confrontation or awkward situations with Angela and Jane. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating social interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, mainly stemming from the tension between characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, adding complexity to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high, the emotional and relational consequences for the characters are significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the evolving relationships between characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the misinterpretations and tension between characters, creating uncertainty and intrigue for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around appearances versus reality. The characters' actions and perceptions are challenged by what they see and what is actually happening, leading to misunderstandings and tension.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions such as confusion, insecurity, and tension, adding depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for character interactions to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting.
  • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise.
  • The pacing of the scene is good, but it could be slowed down a bit to allow the audience to absorb the information.
  • The characters are well-developed and believable, but they could be more complex.
  • The scene is well-shot and edited, but it could be improved by using more creative camera angles.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting, such as the color of the walls, the type of furniture, and the lighting.
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene by adding more pauses and beats.
  • Add more complexity to the characters by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Use more creative camera angles to create a more visually interesting scene.



Scene 35 -  Ricky's Confession and Escape from the Colonel's Control
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky enters, wet from the pouring rain, and crosses to his
bureau, pulling the wad of CASH out of his pocket as he
goes.

COLONEL (O.C.)
Where'd you get that?

Ricky turns, startled.

His POV: The Colonel steps out of the shadows.

Ricky takes a step back.

RICKY
From my job.

COLONEL
Don't lie to me.
(beat)
I saw you with him.

RICKY
(incredulous)
You were watching me?

COLONEL
What did he make you do?

RICKY
(laughs)
Dad, you don't really think... me
and Mr. Burnham?

COLONEL
(furious)
Don't you laugh at me!
(then)
I will not sit back and watch my
only son become a cocksucker!

RICKY
Jesus, what is with you­­

The Colonel BACKHANDS Ricky so hard it sends the boy
sprawling.

COLONEL
I swear to God, I will throw you out
of this house and never look at you
again.

RICKY
(taken aback)
You mean that?
COLONEL
Damn straight I do. I'd rather you
were dead than be a fucking faggot.

A beat. Ricky suddenly smiles. He gets up.

RICKY
You're right. I suck dick for money.

COLONEL
Boy­­

RICKY
Two thousand dollars. I'm that good.

COLONEL
Get out.

RICKY
And you should see me fuck. I'm the
best piece of ass in three states.

COLONEL
(explodes)
Get out!! I don't ever want to see
you again!!

Ricky eyes the Colonel. He's finally discovered a way to
break free from his father, and he can't believe it was this
simple.

RICKY
What a sad old man you are.

COLONEL
(a whisper)
Get out.

Ricky grabs his backpack, turns and walks out the door,
leaving the Colonel standing there, glassy­eyed and
breathing heavily.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ricky, wet from the rain, enters his room and is confronted by the Colonel about a wad of cash. The Colonel accuses Ricky of getting the money from Mr. Burnham, becoming furious when Ricky denies it. Ricky then confesses to being a sex worker, which enrages the Colonel further. Ricky uses this to break free from his father's control and leaves the house, ending the Colonel's control over him. The scene is intense and emotional, with a sense of violence and confrontation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Powerful character development
  • Raw and authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, intense, and pivotal in terms of character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a son standing up to his abusive father is a powerful and relatable theme that adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ricky confronts his father, leading to potential consequences and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family conflict and homophobia, with a focus on power dynamics and emotional intensity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ricky and his father, are well-developed and their interactions are crucial to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 9

Ricky undergoes a significant character change by standing up to his father, showing growth and empowerment.

Internal Goal: 9

Ricky's internal goal in this scene is to break free from his father's oppressive and homophobic control. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and autonomy, as well as his desire to assert his own identity.

External Goal: 8

Ricky's external goal in this scene is to confront his father and assert his independence. This reflects the immediate challenge of standing up to his father's homophobia and control.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ricky and his father is intense and reaches a breaking point, adding tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Colonel's rigid beliefs and homophobia posing a significant obstacle for Ricky. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their confrontation, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Ricky risks his relationship with his father by confronting him, potentially leading to significant changes in their dynamic.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the dynamics within Ricky's family and setting up potential consequences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, as Ricky confronts his father and reveals his true feelings. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting power dynamics and emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the Colonel's rigid beliefs and Ricky's desire for freedom and self-expression. This challenges Ricky's values and worldview, as he must navigate his father's intolerance while asserting his own identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The emotional impact of Ricky's confrontation with his father is profound and leaves a lasting impression on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is raw, emotional, and drives the conflict between Ricky and his father effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, sharp dialogue, and dynamic character interactions. The power struggle between Ricky and his father keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional intensity gradually, leading to a climactic confrontation between Ricky and his father. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with clear stage directions and natural-sounding dialogue. The tension between Ricky and the Colonel is palpable, and the Colonel's homophobia is disturbingly believable.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with the conflict escalating quickly and Ricky's revelation providing a satisfying resolution. However, the revelation might feel a bit too convenient and might benefit from further development to make it feel more earned.
  • The scene is emotionally impactful, but the Colonel's sudden explosion of violence might be difficult for some readers to stomach. It's important to ensure that the scene doesn't glorify or trivialize domestic abuse.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to Ricky's revelation to make it feel more earned. This could be done through subtle hints earlier in the script or by showing Ricky's growing frustration with his father's homophobia.
  • Consider softening the scene's violence or providing more context for the Colonel's behavior. This could help ensure that the scene doesn't come across as glorifying or trivializing domestic abuse.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Ricky after his revelation. This could help emphasize the emotional impact of the scene and provide a more satisfying resolution.



Scene 36 -  Breaking Free
INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky enters to discover Barbara standing in the middle of
the room, clutching a dish, frightened. She's obviously
heard his argument with his father, and she looks into his
eyes, searching, aware that something eventful is taking
place.

RICKY
Mom, I'm leaving.

A beat.

BARBARA
Okay, wear a raincoat.

RICKY
(hugs her)
I wish things would have been better
for you. Take care of Dad.

He kisses her cheek softly, then exits out the back door,
leaving her standing alone, still clutching her dish.

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ RICKY'S BEDROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

The Colonel's POV: Below us, Ricky dashes through the rain
to the Burnham's front door and knocks. Lester opens it and
lets him in.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE ­ CONTINUOUS
The Colonel looks coldly down at us from Ricky's bedroom
window, and then he pulls the drapes shut.

EXT. FREEWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

The MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 is parked in the breakdown lane, its
HAZARD LIGHTS BLINKING. Cars ZOOM past in the rain.

INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn sits behind the wheel, listening to a MOTIVATIONAL
TAPE on the STEREO.

TAPE VOICE
­­disinvesting problems of their
power, and removing their ability to
make us afraid. This is the secret
to "me­centered" living. Only by
taking full responsibility for your
problems­­and their solutions­­will
you ever be able to break free from
the constant cycle of victimhood.

Carolyn leans over and open the glove compartment. She takes
out her GLOCK 19.

TAPE VOICE (CONT'D)
Remember, you are only a victim if
you choose to be a victim...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela is sprawled across the bed. Jane stands across the
room from her.

JANE
I don't think we could be friends
anymore.

ANGELA
You are way too uptight about sex.

JANE
Just don't fuck my dad, all right?
Please?

ANGELA
Why not?

There is a KNOCK on the door. Jane sits up, alarmed.

JANE
(angry)
Dad! Leave us alone!

RICKY (O.C.)
It's me.

Jane jumps up and opens the door and lets him in.

RICKY (CONT'D)
(to Jane)
If I had to leave tonight, would you
come with me?

JANE
What?

RICKY
If I had to go to New York. To live.
Tonight. Would you come with me?

JANE
Yes.

ANGELA
You guys can't be serious.
(to Jane)
You're just a kid. And he's like, a
mental case. You'll end up living in
a box on the street.

JANE
I'm no more a kid than you are!
( to Ricky)
We can use my plastic surgery money.

RICKY
We won't have to. I have over forty
thousand dollars. And I know people
in the city who can help us get set
up.

ANGELA
What, other drug dealers?

RICKY
Yes.

ANGELA
Jane, you'd be out of your mind to
go with him.

JANE
Why do you even care?

ANGELA
Because you're my friend!

RICKY
She's not your friend. She's
somebody you use to feel better
about yourself.

ANGELA
Go fuck yourself, psycho!

JANE
You shut up, bitch!

ANGELA
Jane! He is a freak!

JANE
Well, then so am I! And we'll always
be freaks and we'll never be like
other people. And you'll never be a
freak because you're just too
perfect.

ANGELA
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm not
ugly.

RICKY
Yes, you are. And you're boring. And
you're totally ordinary. And you
know it.

Angela stares at him, stunned, then starts toward the door.

ANGELA
You two deserve each other.

And she exits, SLAMMING the door behind her. Jane turns to
Ricky and he takes her in his arms.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ricky says goodbye to his mom and heads to the Burnhams' house where he asks Jane to run away with him to New York, to which she agrees. Angela, who is also in Jane's room, opposes their plan and an argument ensues, leading to Angela leaving the room. The scene is filled with emotion, tension, and conflict as the characters interact in various locations, including the Fitts' kitchen, Ricky's bedroom, the Burnhams' front door, Jane's room, and a car on the freeway in the evening. The scene ends with Angela leaving Jane's room, while Jane and Ricky continue to make plans for their new adventure.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Lack of resolution for some conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with emotionally charged interactions and significant character development. The conflict is palpable, and the dialogue adds depth to the relationships between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters breaking free from controlling forces is effectively portrayed through the conflict and dialogue. The scene explores themes of individuality, rebellion, and personal growth.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced as characters make key decisions and confront each other, leading to significant changes in their relationships. The scene sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its exploration of complex relationships and characters facing difficult choices. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and undergo significant emotional and behavioral changes. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 8

Characters undergo meaningful changes in their beliefs, behaviors, and relationships during the scene. These changes propel the story forward and set the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ricky's internal goal in this scene is to break free from his dysfunctional family and start a new life. This reflects his desire for independence and a fresh start away from the toxic environment he's been living in.

External Goal: 7

Ricky's external goal is to leave his house and start a new life in New York. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his strained relationship with his family and his desire for change.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, involving emotional confrontations and power struggles. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and decisions, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as characters confront personal truths, make difficult decisions, and challenge oppressive forces. The outcomes have significant implications for their lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, resolving existing tensions, and setting up future plotlines. It advances character arcs and increases narrative momentum.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between conformity and individuality. Ricky and Jane are challenging societal norms and expectations by considering leaving their current lives behind for a new beginning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as characters express their vulnerabilities, frustrations, and desires. The emotional depth enhances the audience's connection to the story and characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and revealing, adding layers to the characters and driving the conflict forward. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts between the characters, the high stakes of their decisions, and the raw honesty of their dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' interactions and decisions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and actions through clear and concise descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the characters' interactions and decisions.


Critique
  • The scene doesn't seem to add much to the conflict or the plot. It seems more like a filler scene.
  • The dialogue between Ricky and his mother is a bit awkward and unnatural.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or direction. It's not clear what the characters are supposed to be doing or what they're trying to achieve.
  • The scene doesn't provide much insight into the characters. We don't learn anything new about Ricky or his mother.
  • The scene doesn't contribute to the overall theme or message of the story.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene or rewrite it to make it more relevant to the plot and the characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ricky and his mother to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add a clear purpose or direction to the scene, such as having Ricky and his mother discuss a specific issue or problem.
  • Use the scene to provide more insight into the characters. For example, you could have Ricky and his mother talk about their relationship or their hopes and dreams.
  • Revise the scene to align with the overall theme or message of the story.



Scene 37 -  The Colonel's Unexpected Advance
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ UPSTAIRS HALLWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

Angela sits on the stairs, shaken, crying.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

We're MOVING SLOWLY toward the Burnham's GARAGE WINDOW
through the RAIN. Through the window, we see Lester, wearing
only his sweatpants, performing bench presses.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Through the window, we see the Colonel standing outside,
watching. We ZOOM slowly in on him as he watches,
transfixed.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

His POV: Lester finishes his last rep, then racks the
weights and sits up, sweaty and out of breath. He runs his
free hand over his chest... and then he glances at us,
suddenly aware he's being watched.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester and the Colonel stare at each other through the
window.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ MOMENTS LATER

The RAIN is coming down in sheets now, and there is a sharp
CLAP of THUNDER. We're directly outside the GARAGE DOOR as
it slowly lifts to reveal Lester smiling at us.

LESTER
Jesus, man. You're soaked.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ GARAGE ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester pulls the Colonel inside. The Colonel moves stiffly
and seems preoccupied, slightly disoriented.

LESTER
You want me to get Ricky? He's in
Jane's room.

The Colonel just stands there, looking at Lester.

LESTER (CONT'D)
You okay?

COLONEL
(his voice thick)
Where's your wife?

LESTER
Uh... I don't know. Probably out
fucking that dorky prince of real
estate asshole. And you know what? I
don't care.

The Colonel moves closer towards him.

COLONEL
Your wife is with another man and
you don't care?

LESTER
Nope, our marriage is just for show.
A commercial, for how normal we are.
When we are anything but.
He grins... and so does the Colonel.

LESTER (CONT'D)
You're shaking.

He places his hand on the Colonel's shoulder. The Colonel
closes his eyes.

LESTER (CONT'D)
We really should get you out of
these clothes.

COLONEL
(a whisper)
Yes...

He opens his eyes and looks at Lester, his face filled with
an anguished vulnerability we wouldn't have thought possible
from him. His eyes are brimming with tears. Lester leans in,
concerned.

LESTER
It's okay.

COLONEL
(hoarse)
I...

LESTER
(softly)
Just tell me what you need.

The Colonel reaches up and places his hand on Lester's
cheek... and then kisses him. Lester is momentarily stunned,
and then he pushes the Colonel away. The Colonel's face
crumples in shame.

LESTER (CONT'D)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. You got
the wrong idea.

The Colonel stares at the floor, blinking, and then he turns
and runs out the open garage door into the rainy night.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Angela's confrontation leaves her in tears in the hallway. In the garage, Lester works out as the Colonel, distressed and soaked from the rain, approaches him. They discuss their marital issues, leading to an unexpected kiss from the Colonel, which Lester rejects. This results in the Colonel's departure in shame, ending the scene on a tense note.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense interactions
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift in tone
  • Lack of resolution for some plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with unexpected character revelations and intense interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of vulnerability, emotional turmoil, and rejection of advances is well-executed and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the emotional revelations and confrontations between Lester and the Colonel, adding complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of infidelity and marriage, delving into the complexities of human emotions and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show vulnerability, emotional depth, and unexpected reactions, making them more relatable and intriguing.

Character Changes: 8

Both Lester and the Colonel experience significant emotional changes and realizations during the scene, leading to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to maintain the appearance of normalcy and detachment despite his crumbling marriage and personal struggles.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to comfort and support the Colonel in his vulnerable moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Lester and the Colonel, as well as their internal struggles, creates tension and emotional intensity in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as the characters confront their vulnerabilities and face unexpected revelations, impacting their relationships and future actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new layers of the characters and setting up potential future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional turn in the Colonel's actions and the revelation of vulnerability in both characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the facade of normalcy versus the reality of personal struggles and emotions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about marriage, appearances, and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience through the vulnerable and intense interactions between the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and emotional, revealing the inner turmoil of the characters and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, intimate character interactions, and the unfolding of personal struggles and vulnerabilities.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for the gradual unfolding of character emotions and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and interactions. It effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is not very smooth. It might be helpful to provide a more explicit connection between Angela storming out and the introduction of the Colonel in this scene.
  • The Colonel's sudden shift from watching Lester to entering the garage and confessing his vulnerability feels a bit abrupt. It might be beneficial to build up to this moment more gradually to make it feel more natural and less sudden.
  • The dialogue between Lester and the Colonel could potentially benefit from being more concise. While the emotional vulnerability is an important aspect of the scene, the dialogue could be tightened up to make the emotional impact more powerful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue between Angela storming out and the Colonel appearing at the garage window to help smooth the transition between scenes.
  • Try adding some subtle hints earlier in the scene or even in previous scenes to suggest the Colonel's hidden vulnerability, making his sudden confession feel more natural and less abrupt.
  • Experiment with cutting unnecessary words or phrases in the dialogue between Lester and the Colonel to make the emotional impact more powerful and direct.



Scene 38 -  Resolution of Tension: Lester and Angela's Intimate Moment
INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn is still listening to the same MOTIVATIONAL TAPE.
She holds the GLOCK in her hand.

TAPE VOICE
"I refuse to be a victim." When this
becomes your mantra, constantly
running through your head­­

Carolyn switches the TAPE OFF and puts the gun in her purse.

CAROLYN
I refuse to be a victim.

EXT. FREEWAY ­ CONTINUOUS

The Mercedes pulls away from the shoulder.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester enters, opens the refrigerator and grabs a BEER.
Suddenly we HEAR MUSIC coming from the other room. Lester
opens his beer and starts toward the family room.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FAMILY ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

His POV: AS we MOVE SLOWLY around a corner, Angela comes
into view, standing at the STEREO, holding a CD case. She's
been crying; her face is puffy, and her hair mussed. She
regards us apprehensively... then puts on a slightly defiant
smile.

ANGELA
I hope you don't mind if I play the
stereo.

Lester leans against the wall and takes a swig of his beer.

LESTER
Not at all.
(then)
Bad night?

ANGELA
Not really bad, just... strange.

LESTER
(grins)
Believe me. It couldn't possibly be
any stranger than mine.

She smiles. They stand there in silence; the atmosphere is
charged.

ANGELA
Jane and I had a fight.
(after a beat)
It was about you.

She's trying to be seductive as she says this, but she's
pretty bad at it. Lester raises his eyebrows.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
She's mad at me because I said I
think you're sexy.

Lester grins. He is sexy.

LESTER
(offering beer)
Do you want a sip?

She nods. Lester holds the bottle up to her mouth and she
drinks clumsily. He gently wipes her chin with the back of
his hand.

LESTER (CONT'D)
So... are you going to tell me? What
you want?

ANGELA
I don't know.

LESTER
You don't know?

His face is very close to hers. She's unnerved­­this is
happening too fast...

ANGELA
What do you want?

LESTER
Are you kidding? I want you. I've
wanted you since the first moment I
saw you. You are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen.

Angela takes a deep breath just before Lester leans in to
kiss her cheek, her forehead, her eyelids, her neck...
ANGELA
You don't think I'm ordinary?

LESTER
You couldn't be ordinary if you
tried.

ANGELA
Thank you.
(far away)
I don't think there's anything worse
than being ordinary...

And Lester kisses her on the lips.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Carolyn decides against victimhood, putting her gun away and turning off her motivational tape. Meanwhile, Lester finds Angela in the family room, who has been crying due to a fight with Jane about Lester's attractiveness. Angela admits her feelings to Lester, and they share a charged moment, culminating in a kiss. The scene resolves the tension between them, with a sense of understanding and intimacy.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional portrayal
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential cliché of forbidden romance trope

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the intense emotions and desires of the characters, creating a compelling and engaging moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of forbidden desire and the exploration of complex emotions and relationships is well-executed in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the development of the romantic tension between Lester and Angela, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh dynamics in relationships, explores themes of empowerment and desire in a nuanced way, and features authentic character dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Angela are well-developed, with their desires, conflicts, and vulnerabilities portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Both Lester and Angela experience a shift in their emotions and desires, leading to potential changes in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Carolyn's internal goal is to empower herself and assert her agency by refusing to be a victim. This reflects her desire for control and autonomy in her life.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to navigate the complex relationships within his family and potentially pursue a romantic connection with Angela.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between desire and societal norms, adding tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, as the characters navigate their desires, vulnerabilities, and power dynamics.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the potential consequences of pursuing forbidden desires and the impact it may have on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship dynamics between characters and introducing new conflicts and desires.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and the shifting power dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of empowerment, desire, and self-worth. Angela struggles with feeling ordinary and seeks validation from Lester, while Lester desires Angela and sees her as extraordinary.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to desire, longing, and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Lester and Angela is engaging, revealing their inner thoughts and emotions, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unfolding of internal conflicts and desires.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for meaningful character interactions and developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is lacking in conflict and tension between the characters.
  • Angela's motivations for seducing Lester are unclear, and she seems to change her mind too quickly.
  • Lester's characterization is inconsistent with his previous behavior.
  • The dialogue is unrealistic and unnatural.
  • The scene ends too abruptly, leaving the reader unsatisfied.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict and tension between the characters by having them argue or fight.
  • Make Angela's motivations for seducing Lester more clear and believable.
  • Make Lester's characterization consistent with his previous behavior by having him act more cautiously and hesitantly.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more realistic and natural.
  • Add a more satisfying ending to the scene by having the characters resolve their conflict or reach a new understanding.



Scene 39 -  Intimate Encounters and Confessions
INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

Carolyn drives, her face resolute.

CAROLYN
I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to
be a victim. I refuse to be a
victim...
(angry)
Lester, I have something I have to
say to you...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FAMILY ROOM ­ MOMENTS LATER

Angela lays back on the couch as Lester moves in over her.
He pulls her jeans off and gently brushes his fingers over
her legs, then moves up and caresses her face...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Ricky and Jane, fully clothed, lie curled up on Jane's bed.

JANE
Are you scared?

RICKY
I don't get scared.

JANE
My parents will try to find me.

RICKY
Mine won't.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FAMILY ROOM ­ CONTINUOUS

Lester starts unbuttoning Angela's blouse. She seems
disconnected from what's happening. Lester pulls her blouse
open, exposing her breasts.

Lester looks down at her, grinning, unable to believe he's
actually about to do what he's dreamed of so many times, and
then...

ANGELA
This is my first time.

Lester LAUGHS.

LESTER
You're kidding.

ANGELA
(a whisper)
I'm sorry.

A beat. Lester looks down at her, his grin fading.
His POV: Angela lies beneath us, embarrassed and vulnerable.
This is not the mythically carnal creature of Lester's
fantasies; this is a nervous child.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
I still want to do it... I just
thought I should tell you... in case
you wondered why I wasn't... better.

Lester's face falls. There's no way he's going to go through
with this now.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
(confused)
What's wrong? I thought you said I
was beautiful.

LESTER
(tenderly)
You are beautiful.

He grabs a blanket from the back of the couch and drapes it
around her shoulders, covering her nakedness.

LESTER (CONT'D)
You are so beautiful... and I would
be a very lucky man...

He smiles and shakes his head. Humiliated, Angela starts to
cry.

ANGELA
I feel so stupid.

LESTER
Don't.

He hugs her, letting her put her head on his shoulder,
stroking her hair and rocking her gently.

ANGELA
I'm sorry.

Lester takes her by the shoulders and looks at her, serious.

LESTER
You have nothing to be sorry about.

But she keeps crying. Lester hugs her again. We HEAR a loud
CLAP of THUNDER outside.

LESTER (CONT'D)
(smiles)
It's okay. Everything's okay.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Carolyn drives with determination, asserting her refusal to be a victim. Simultaneously, Lester and Angela share an intimate moment in the Burnham family room, but it takes an awkward turn when Angela confesses her virginity, leaving Lester surprised and causing him to change his mind. In Jane's bedroom, Jane and Ricky lie together, discussing the possibility of their parents searching for them, adding tension to their situation. The scene concludes with Lester consoling Angela, who cries in embarrassment and vulnerability after revealing her inexperience.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Vulnerability
  • Intimacy
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential discomfort with the sensitive subject matter

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional depth through the characters' interactions, creating a poignant and impactful moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of vulnerability and connection is well-executed, with a shift from fantasy to reality adding depth to the characters' emotional journey.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' emotional revelations and shifts in their relationships, adding complexity and depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of desire and vulnerability, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotional depth, vulnerability, and honesty make them relatable and engaging, driving the scene's impact and resonance.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations, deepening their relationships and adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his desires and vulnerabilities, leading to a moment of self-realization and empathy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to engage in a sexual encounter, but it is ultimately thwarted by his realization of the other character's vulnerability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is internal and emotional, centered around the characters' vulnerabilities and emotional revelations, adding depth and complexity to their relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist's desires are challenged by the vulnerability of the other character, leading to a moment of self-realization and empathy.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are emotional and personal, centered around the characters' vulnerabilities and relationships, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and adding emotional complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the audience's expectations of a typical romantic encounter, leading to a moment of emotional vulnerability and self-realization.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of desire, vulnerability, and empathy. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about intimacy and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its portrayal of vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional honesty, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, vulnerabilities, and shifts in their relationships, enhancing the scene's intimacy and emotional depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unexpected turn of events that challenge the audience's expectations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the impact of the character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the clarity and impact of the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It starts with Carolyn driving her car and expressing her determination, but then quickly shifts to Lester and Angela engaging in an intimate moment.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Angela is somewhat awkward and unnatural, especially when Angela reveals that she's a virgin and apologizes for not being "better."
  • The transition from Lester's excitement to his sudden realization that he can't go through with it feels abrupt and unconvincing.
  • The scene ends with Lester comforting Angela, which is a bit too neat and tidy given the complexity of their relationship.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict or tension, which makes it feel flat and uneventful.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a stronger hook that establishes the stakes and sets up the conflict.
  • Revise the dialogue between Lester and Angela to make it more natural and believable, and to better establish their relationship.
  • Explore the emotional consequences of Lester's decision to stop and comfort Angela, and give him a more nuanced reaction.
  • Consider adding a twist or complication to the scene to create more tension and suspense.
  • Think about how the scene fits into the overall arc of the story and how it contributes to the development of the characters.



Scene 40 -  A Rainy Evening's Tragedy: Lester's Unresolved Regrets
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ MOMENTS LATER

The Mercedes pulls onto Robin Hood Trail.

INT. MERCEDES­BENZ ML320 ­ CONTINUOUS

CLOSE on Carolyn's eyes, reflected in the REAR­VIEW MIRROR.
She turns her head to look out the window:

Her POV: The RED DOOR of the Burnham house stands out, even
in the pouring rain.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Angela, once again fully clothed, sits at the kitchen
counter. She's eating a turkey sandwich.

ANGELA
Wow. I was starving.

Lester puts a jar of mayonnaise back in the refrigerator.

LESTER
Do you want me to make you another
one?

ANGELA
No, no, no. I'm fine.

He turns to her and cocks an eyebrow.

LESTER
(concerned)
You sure?

ANGELA
I mean, I'm still a little weirded
out, but...
(sincerely)
...I feel better. Thanks.

A long beat, as Lester studies her, then:

LESTER
How's Jane?

ANGELA
What do you mean?

LESTER
I mean, how's her life? Is she
happy? Is she miserable? I'd really
like to know, and she'd die before
she'd ever tell me about it.

Angela shifts uncomfortably.

ANGELA
She's... she's really happy. She
thinks she's in love.

Angela rolls her eyes at how silly this notion is.

LESTER
(quietly)
Good for her.

An awkward beat.

ANGELA
How are you?

LESTER
(smiles, taken aback)
God, it's been a long time since
anybody asked me that.
(thinks about it)
I'm great.

They just sit there, smiling at each other, then:

ANGELA
(suddenly)
I've gotta go to the bathroom.

She crosses off. Lester watches her go, then stands there
wondering why he should suddenly feel so content.

LESTER
(laughs)
I'm great.
Something at the edge of the counter catches his eye, and he
reaches for...

CLOSE on a framed PHOTOGRAPH as he picks it up: It's the
photo we saw earlier of him, Carolyn and Jane, taken several
years ago at an amusement park. It's startling how happy
they look.

Lester crosses to the kitchen table, where he sits and
studies the photo. He suddenly seems older, more mature...
and then he smiles: the deep, satisfied smile of a man who
just now understands the punch line of a joke he heard long
ago...

LESTER (CONT'D)
Man oh man...
(softly)
Man oh man oh man...

After a beat, the barrel of a GUN rises up behind his head,
aimed at the base of his skull.

ANGLE ON an arrangement of fresh­cut ROSES in a vase on the
opposite counter, deep crimson against the WHITE TILE WALL.
Then a GUNSHOT suddenly rings out, ECHOING unnaturally.
Instantly, the tile is sprayed with BLOOD, the same deep
crimson as the roses.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lester and Angela converse in the Burnham kitchen on a rainy evening, with Lester expressing contentment and Angela sharing updates on Jane. Lester finds an old family photo, smiling at it, but his happiness is short-lived as a gunshot rings out, covering the kitchen in blood. The sudden death highlights the conflict between Lester's current happiness and his past regrets, leaving the scene on a dark and violent note.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Suddenness of the gunshot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, tension, and emotion, leading to a shocking climax that leaves a lasting impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, as well as the unexpected twist at the end, is well executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through the interactions between Lester and Angela, leading to a surprising and impactful conclusion.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring themes of happiness and self-awareness within the context of family dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Angela are well-developed and their interactions are engaging and emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

Lester experiences a moment of realization and contentment, while Angela goes through a range of emotions, leading to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find contentment and understanding in his current situation, as well as reflecting on his past choices and relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a meaningful conversation with Angela and potentially reconnect with her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Lester and Angela, as well as an underlying tension that leads to the shocking climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the sudden appearance of the gun adding a layer of suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the emotional turmoil experienced by the characters, as well as the shocking climax with the gunshot.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, moving the story forward through their interactions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift in tone from introspection to suspense, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of happiness, love, and self-awareness. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about relationships and personal fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the interactions between Lester and Angela, and the shocking ending adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension building towards the climax, and the subtle hints of suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection with moments of tension, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for character-driven drama, with a clear progression of dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with an exterior shot of the Mercedes pulling onto Robin Hood Trail. This establishing shot does not add much to the scene as the focus quickly moves inside the car and the house, and could be cut to streamline the scene.
  • The dialogue between Lester and Angela is stilted and unnatural. Lester's question about Jane's happiness feels forced and out of place, and Angela's response is equally awkward.
  • The sudden shift in tone from the awkward conversation to Lester's contentment and the appearance of the framed photograph feels disjointed and unearned.
  • The introduction of the gun and the gunshot at the end of the scene is abrupt and lacks proper build-up. The audience is not given enough time to process the implications of the gun's appearance before the gunshot occurs.
  • The use of sound effects (the clap of thunder) to transition between scenes is overused and becomes predictable.
Suggestions
  • Consider opening the scene directly inside the Burnham house, focusing on Angela at the kitchen counter.
  • Revise the dialogue between Lester and Angela to make it more natural and relevant to their relationship.
  • Explore ways to create a smoother transition between the awkward conversation and Lester's realization, perhaps through his actions or internal monologue.
  • Build up more tension and suspense leading to the gunshot by foreshadowing the danger or hinting at the upcoming violence.
  • Explore alternative ways to transition between scenes, such as using a visual element or a character's action to connect the two.



Scene 41 -  Grim Discovery and Growing Fear
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ FOYER ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky comes down the stairs, followed by Jane.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ KITCHEN ­ MOMENTS LATER

Ricky opens the door from the dining room, then stops. Jane
appears behind him.

JANE
Oh God.

Their POV: A pool of blood is forming on the kitchen table.

Ricky comes into the kitchen and slowly approaches Lester's
lifeless body, wide­eyed but not afraid. Jane follows him,
in shock. Ricky kneels, gazing at Lester's unseen face...
then he smiles, ever so slightly.

His POV: Lester looks back at us; his eyes are lifeless, but
he's smiling the same slight smile.

RICKY
(an awed whisper)
Wow.

LESTER (V.O.)
I had always heard your entire life
flashes in front of your eyes the
second before you die.

EXT. SKY ­ DAY

We're FLYING across a white blanket of clouds.

LESTER (V.O.)
First of all, that one second isn't
a second at all, it stretches on
forever, like an ocean of time...

EXT. WOODS ­ NIGHT

In BLACK & WHITE: Eleven­year­old Lester looks up, pointing
excitedly at:
His POV: A DOT OF LIGHT falls across an unbelievably starry
sky.

LESTER (V.O.)
For me, it was lying on my back at
Boy Scout camp, watching falling
stars...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ JANE'S BEDROOM ­ NIGHT

Ricky and Jane lie curled up on Jane's bed, fully clothed.
We HEAR a GUNSHOT from downstairs. They look at each other,
alarmed.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET ­ DUSK

In BLACK & WHITE: Maple trees in autumn. Ghostly LEAVES
FLUTTER slowly toward pavement.

LESTER (V.O.)
And yellow leaves, from the maple
trees, that lined my street...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ POWDER ROOM ­ NIGHT

Angela stands in front of the mirror, fixing her make­up. We
HEAR the GUNSHOT again. Angela turns, frightened.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE ­ DAY

In BLACK & WHITE: CLOSE on an ancient woman's papery HANDS
as they button a cardigan sweater.

LESTER (V.O.)
Or my grandmother's hands, and the
way her skin seemed like paper...

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ NIGHT

Carolyn walks slowly toward the RED DOOR, drenched to the
bone, clutching her PURSE tightly. We HEAR the GUNSHOT
again.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ricky and Jane find Lester dead on the kitchen table, with a pool of blood, leading to conflicting reactions. The scene, set in the Burnham house, ends with them lying on Jane's bed, alarmed by a gunshot from downstairs. This discovery presents a somber and emotional tone, amplified by flashbacks and the stark contrast between the dark kitchen and bright flashback scenes.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Plot twist
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in the resolution of the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a strong emotional resonance and a significant plot development that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of fate and the consequences of past actions are central to the scene, as characters face the repercussions of their choices.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a dramatic turn with the unexpected death of a major character, setting the stage for a new direction in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene displays a high level of originality through its use of unconventional storytelling techniques, such as flashbacks and voiceovers, and its exploration of existential themes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the tragic event reveal their true emotions and motivations, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes as they grapple with the aftermath of the tragedy.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the death of Lester and possibly find some sort of meaning or understanding in the face of mortality. This reflects his deeper need for connection and introspection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the immediate aftermath of Lester's death and deal with the shock and emotions that come with it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the tragic event, leading to a moment of intense emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the protagonist's internal struggles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the death of a major character leading to profound consequences for the remaining characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward in a new direction, setting the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its blend of dream-like sequences, unexpected twists, and philosophical musings that keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of life and death, memory and reality, and the fleeting nature of existence. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the meaning of life and the inevitability of death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from shock and sadness to fear and regret.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of suspense, introspection, and surreal elements that keep the audience intrigued and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a mix of slow and fast moments that create tension and build suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between different locations and time periods.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear narrative style, incorporating flashbacks and dream sequences to enhance the storytelling.


Critique
  • The scene is overly dramatic and melodramatic. The use of the gunshot sound effect is excessive and takes away from the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The dialogue is too on the nose and lacks subtext. The characters' lines are too direct and do not reveal anything about their inner thoughts or feelings.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It jumps from one character's perspective to another without giving the reader a chance to connect with any of them.
  • The pacing of the scene is too slow. The action is repetitive and does not build to a climax.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the gunshot sound effect. The violence can be implied through the characters' reactions.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtle and nuanced. Use subtext to reveal the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.
  • Give the scene a clear focus by choosing one character's perspective to follow.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.



Scene 42 -  Nostalgic Vignettes and Gratitude
EXT. SUBURB ­ DAY

In BLACK & WHITE: A 1970 PONTIAC FIREBIRD in the driveway of
a suburban home. The SUN'S REFLECTION in the windshield
FLASHES BRILLIANTLY.

LESTER (V.O.)
And the first time I saw my cousin
Tony's brand new Firebird...

INT. FITTS HOUSE ­ THE COLONEL'S STUDY ­ NIGHT

The Colonel enters, wet. He's wearing LATEX GLOVES. BLOOD
covers the front of his T­shirt. He paces in front of one of
his GUN CASES; the GLASS DOOR is open, and a gun is
conspicuously missing from inside.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ HALL ­ NIGHT

In BLACK & WHITE: Jane opens her bedroom door, staring at
us.

LESTER (V.O.)
And Janie...

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE ­ DUSK

In BLACK & WHITE: A door opens to reveal 4­YEAR­OLD JANE,
dressed for Halloween in a Princess costume, holding a lit
SPARKLER aloft and smiling shyly at us.
LESTER (V.O.)
And Janie...

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE ­ MASTER BEDROOM ­ NIGHT

Carolyn enters, terrified, still clutching her PURSE. She
shuts the door and locks it, then takes the GLOCK 19 out of
her purse. She opens the closet door and shoves the gun into
a HAMPER. Then, suddenly aware of Lester's scent, she grabs
as many of his clothes as she can and pulls them to her,
burying her face in them. She sinks to her knees, pulling
several items of clothing down with her, and she begins to
cry.

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK ­ NIGHT

IN BLACK & WHITE:

A younger Carolyn sits across from us in one of those
SPINNING­TEACUP RIDES, LAUGHING uncontrollably as she twists
the wheel in front of her, making us SPIN even faster.

LESTER (V.O.)
(with love)
And... Carolyn.

EXT. PARKING LOT ­ DAY

On VIDEO: We're watching the video Ricky showed Jane
earlier, of the empty white PLASTIC BAG being blown about.
The wind carries it in a circle around us, sometimes
whipping it about violently, or, without warning, sending it
soaring skyward, then letting it float gracefully down to
the ground...

LESTER (V.O.)
I guess I could be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me... but
it's hard to stay mad, when there's
so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it
all at once, and it's too much, my
heart fills up like a balloon that's
about to burst...

EXT. ­ ROBIN HOOD TRAIL ­ DAY

We're FLYING once again over Robin Hood Trail, ASCENDING
SLOWLY.

LESTER (V.O.)
...and then I remember to relax, and
stop trying to hold on to it, and
then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for every single moment of
my stupid little life...
(amused)
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, I'm sure. But don't worry...

FADE TO BLACK.

LESTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You will someday.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a series of black and white vignettes, Lester (voiceover) reflects on life's beauty and his memories of young Jane, Carolyn, and his cousin's car. The setting includes various suburban locations, with no explicit conflicts present. The tone is contemplative and nostalgic, and the scene ends with Lester expressing gratitude for life's beauty and anticipating the addressee's future understanding.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Shocking revelation
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Complexity of character relationships

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and impactful, with a shocking revelation that changes the course of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting dark truths, facing high stakes, and dealing with the aftermath of Lester's death is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a dramatic turn with Lester's death, leading to significant character developments and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its use of black and white imagery, nonlinear storytelling, and introspective voiceovers. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are deeply affected by the events in the scene, showing vulnerability, fear, and emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

Characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially in response to Lester's death.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and beauty in the midst of chaos and turmoil. Lester's voiceover reflects his desire to appreciate the small moments of joy and gratitude in his life, despite the challenges he faces.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past and find peace in the present moment. Lester's reflections on his life and experiences hint at a journey towards acceptance and understanding.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing intense emotional and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these obstacles and find resolution.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the shocking death of a major character and the emotional fallout that follows.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward dramatically with the revelation of Lester's death and its aftermath.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of its nonlinear structure, shifting perspectives, and unexpected character revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the narrative will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between beauty and chaos, gratitude and anger. Lester's internal struggle to find beauty in the world despite his past traumas highlights the theme of resilience and perspective.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, sadness, and shock in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and emotional, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, visual storytelling, and thematic richness. The characters' internal struggles and external conflicts draw the audience in, creating a sense of intrigue and empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of introspection with action and tension. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and thematic resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting aligns with the expected format for its genre, utilizing visual cues and transitions to enhance the storytelling. The use of black and white imagery and voiceovers adds a unique visual and narrative style to the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that weaves together multiple characters and settings, creating a cohesive narrative. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the themes of beauty and gratitude.


Critique
  • The scene is visually repetitive, with multiple instances of the Burnham house appearing in black and white. This repetition could be reduced to create a stronger visual impact.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and lacks a clear narrative arc. The vignette-like structure, while visually interesting, may not be the most effective way to convey the story's message.
  • The use of flashbacks and voiceover can be disorienting for the reader and may interrupt the flow of the story. Consider using these techniques more sparingly or finding a more integrated way to incorporate them.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not contribute much to the scene's development. Consider adding more dialogue to help establish character dynamics and drive the plot forward.
  • The scene's conclusion is abrupt and leaves the reader with unanswered questions. Provide more context or resolution to create a satisfying ending.
Suggestions
  • Consider focusing the scene on a specific event or interaction to create a clearer narrative structure.
  • Vary the visual composition and camera angles to create a more dynamic and engaging viewing experience.
  • Use flashbacks and voiceover sparingly and in a way that complements the present-day action.
  • Add more dialogue to flesh out the characters and their relationships.
  • Provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene, either by resolving the conflict or providing more context that sets up future events.