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Scene 1 - San Junipero

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

BLACK MIRROR

"SAN JUNIPERO"

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

Written By
Charlie Brooker

INCLUDING THE FOLLOWING REVISIONS:
** PINK REVISIONS - DATED 23.11.15 **
** BLUE REVISIONS - DATED 02.12.15 **

Charlie Brooker
C/o House of Tomorrow
Shepherds Building
Charecroft Way
London W14 0EE

(c) 2017 Black Mirror Drama Limited. All Rights Reserved
This screenplay is the property of Black Mirror Drama Limited (“BMD”).
Distribution or disclosure of any information of whatever nature in whatever form
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unauthorised persons, or the sale, copying or reproduction of this screenplay in
any form is strictly prohibited. This Screenplay is intended to be read solely by
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This screenplay contains confidential information and therefore is given for the
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be bound by a duty of confidence to BMD and its subsidiary companies.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 1.

1 EXT. SHORELINE - NIGHT 1

It’s 1987. Coastal California. Silhouetted mountains, moonlit
sea. Lights twinkling near the shoreline.

We move closer to see the lights of the town of San Junipero.
Streetlights. Nightclubs and bars. Cars drifting up and down
the main street.

The vehicles date from 1987. There's a billboard advertising
the movie The Witches of Eastwick.

We move closer:

2 EXT. BARKER STREET - CONTINUOUS 2

This is San Junipero's main drag.

Along the sidewalk we follow YORKIE, a slightly awkward woman
in her early 20s, dressed so as not to stand out. Jeans.
Sweatshirt. She wears glasses with black rims.

She's looking around, a little like a tourist, taking in the
sights. There's a TV in a store window, showing a news
report. The sound is inaudible, but the anchor introduces a
clip of Ronald Reagan giving a speech about the Berlin Wall.

Yorkie looks at this for a moment until her attention is
snatched away by a voice, a young male voice.

WES
Kelly, c'mon...

Yorkie looks round. There's a couple striding along the
sidewalk. At least they look like a couple. The young man is
called WES -- he's conventionally dressed, in a baseball
jacket. The woman looks individual, almost arty. Intriguing.
Attractive. This is KELLY. She's walking a step ahead of Wes,
looking straight ahead, while he buzzes around her.

WES (CONT’D)
Kelly--

KELLY
I'm still walking Wes.

WES
We only got a couple of hours, you
know, so let's use it-

KELLY
I am using it.

They walk through the door of a large bar / music venue
called TUCKER'S.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 2.

Yorkie looks up at the sign for the bar. Then at the door.
Gingerly, she pushes it open.

3 INT. TUCKER'S - CONTINUOUS 3

This place is a cavern. There's music playing on a sound
system somewhere. C'est La Vie by Robbie Nevil or equiv.

Yorkie looks around. No sign of Kelly or Wes. It's bustling
in here. Everyone dressed in the fashions of the day; a real
mix of archetypes. Everything from preppy kids to prototype
goths. It's like the cast of every John Hughes movie blended
together.

Yorkie is a bit overwhelmed. She walks to a corner containing
a number of video arcade machines.

There's Rolling Thunder. Top Speed. Double Dragon.

Yorkie is drawn to Bubble Bobble, a platform game in which
the players control cartoon dragons that squirt bubbles.

She reaches into her pocket and seems almost surprised to
find some quarters in there. She drops one in the slot and
hits the 1 Player button.

We close in on the game screen. Catchy 8-bit music pipes up.
Black starlit backdrop. Two cartoon dragons and a whirlwind
of bubbles. And the following poorly-translated message:

NOW, IT IS BEGINNING OF A

FANTASTIC STORY!! LET'S MAKE A

JOURNEY TO THE CAVE OF MONSTERS!

GOOD LUCK!

The game begins. Yorkie seems to know what she's doing.

Genres: ["drama","science fiction"]

Summary The scene introduces us to the main setting of the story, San Junipero, a town in Coastal California in the year 1987. Yorkie, a slightly awkward young woman in her early twenties, wanders the streets taking in the sights before she enters a busy 80's music venue called Tucker's. Overwhelmed, Yorkie wanders over to a corner containing a number of video arcade machines, is attracted to the game Bubble Bobble, and begins playing the game while losing track of everything else around her.

Strengths "The scene effectively sets up the nostalgia-driven and immersive tone of the story. The descriptions of the setting and costume design add to the scene's aesthetic value. We are given a glimpse into Yorkie's character and introduced to the arcade games that play a significant role in the story. Overall, the scene creates a sense of intrigue and anticipation."

Weaknesses "There is very little dialogue in the scene, therefore making it difficult to analyze the script's potential character development. The scene is slow-paced and lacks any significant plot development."

Critique This scene sets the stage for the episode of Black Mirror "San Junipero." It effectively establishes the time period, location, and tone through visual cues such as the dated cars, billboard, and clothing. The introduction of Yorkie as the protagonist also sets up her character as awkward and withdrawn, which will become important later in the episode. The use of the Bubble Bobble arcade game as a motif adds a layer of nostalgia and reinforces the theme of escapism that runs throughout the episode. Overall, this scene effectively establishes the world of San Junipero and draws the viewer in.

Suggestions There are a few suggestions that could improve this scene. Firstly, the description of the setting could be more vivid and immersive to draw the reader into the world. Instead of just stating that it's "Coastal California", there could be more sensory details to describe the sea breeze, the smell of saltwater, and the sound of waves crashing.

Secondly, there could be more description of Yorkie's emotions and thoughts as she explores San Junipero. Is she excited, nervous, or curious? How does she react to the fashions and music of the time period? This would help to establish her character and make her more relatable to the audience.

Lastly, the dialogue between Wes and Kelly could be more distinct and memorable. Right now, their conversation is very typical and generic. Giving them more unique voices and personalities would make them more interesting and engaging to watch onscreen.

Scene 2 - First Meeting at Tuckers

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

4 INT. TUCKER'S - LATER 4

Shortly afterwards, a young guy called DAVIS spots Yorkie on
the Bubble Bobble machine. He's faintly nerdy. A bit like a
young Rick Moranis. He's holding a drink with a straw which
he seems ill-at-ease with. He's nodding his head in time to
the music, badly.

Moments later, he's standing beside her, watching her
progress over her shoulder. It takes him a while to pluck up
the courage to speak.

DAVIS
You're good at this.

Yorkie doesn't look up.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 3.

YORKIE
Thanks. I've played it before.

Davis is thinking of something to say.

DAVIS
It's got different endings
depending on if you're in one or
two player.

She's focussing on the game.

YORKIE
Uh-huh?

DAVIS
Kind of the first game to do that.

Yorkie's just lost her last life.

YORKIE
Dammit.

Davis tries to interest her in the Top Speed cabinet.

DAVIS
(holding a quarter)
Oh. Do you want (to try) --?

Yorkie looks at the game. The racing game, depicts a red car
thundering along a highway. The vehicle spins out of control
in a shower of dust.

Yorkie stares at that for a moment -- it disturbs her. Then:

YORKIE
Uh, no -- thank you -- sorry it's
not you. I'm sort of...
(she gestures around)
Just want to get my bearings.

DAVIS
Uh okay. See you around.

Yorkie wanders off. Davis watches her leave, then drops a
quarter in Bubble Bobble.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Science Fiction"]

Summary Yorkie meets Davis while playing Bubble Bobble at Tucker's arcade in San Junipero.

Strengths "Introduction of two main characters. Nostalgic setting that establishes San Junipero's world. "

Weaknesses "Little plot development. Over-reliance on nostalgia."

Critique Overall, this scene is effective in setting up the characters of Yorkie and Davis and establishing the setting of Tuckers. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, it would be helpful to have more specific details about the characters' appearances and mannerisms to help the actors bring them to life on screen. While Davis is described as "faintly nerdy" and "a bit like a young Rick Moranis," it would be helpful to have more specific details about his clothing, hairstyle, and body language. The same goes for Yorkie - it would be helpful to have a better sense of what she looks like and how she carries herself.

Secondly, the conversation between Davis and Yorkie feels a bit stilted and awkward. While this may be intentional to show that Davis is nervous and uncertain about how to approach her, it could be improved by giving them more specific things to talk about. Rather than simply commenting on her performance on the Bubble Bobble machine, Davis could ask her more specific questions about the game or try to find out more about her interests.

Finally, the ending of the scene where Yorkie declines Davis' offer to play the Top Speed cabinet feels a bit abrupt and could be more clearly motivated. It's not entirely clear why the depiction of the red car spinning out of control on the screen disturbs her, and this could be clarified with more specific language or reactions.

Overall, this scene does a good job of introducing the characters and setting up the dynamics between them, but could benefit from more specific details and a stronger sense of motivation for the characters' actions.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Start with a clear establishing shot of Tucker's bar, so viewers can get a sense of the environment. This will help ground the scene and make it feel more real.

2. Instead of relying on physical descriptions to paint a picture of Davis, show us what he looks like. For example, you could describe the T-shirt he's wearing or the sticker on his laptop. This will help us visualize him more clearly.

3. Add some conflict to the scene. Right now, it's just a friendly conversation between two strangers. Consider adding some tension – maybe Davis has ulterior motives for talking to Yorkie, or maybe she's on edge because she's hiding something.

4. Give Yorkie a clearer motivation. What is she trying to accomplish in this scene? Is she looking for someone specific, or just killing time? If we understand her goals, we'll be more invested in her story.

5. Consider adding some foreshadowing or symbolism. For example, the Bubble Bobble machine could represent the fleeting nature of life – just like the game, we only have a limited number of "lives" before we run out. This could tie in nicely with the themes of the overall film.

Scene 3 - Meeting Kelly

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 6
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

5 INT. TUCKER'S - BOOTH SEATING AREA - MOMENTS LATER 5

Yorkie now has a drink -- a Coke in a glass -- and is
wandering deeper into the bar, looking around. Heart and Soul
by T’Pau is playing.

She sits down at a table to people-watch.

Sipping her Coke, she checks out the comings-and-goings.
Young couples. Preening jocks. Cool kids.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 4.

Suddenly Kelly walks past. She spots something in the
distance, rolls her eyes a little, and abruptly sits down
beside Yorkie. Yorkie looks at her, a little surprised.

KELLY
(quietly)
Go along with whatever I say.

YORKIE
Sorry?

KELLY
Whatever I say, go along with it.

Just then, WES appears, nearby. He opens his mouth to speak.

KELLY (CONT’D)
(to WES)
Okay, Wes? You're just pestering
now. Do I have to red light you?

WES
(checking watch)
Two hours thirty-five -- there's
not much time left.

KELLY
Wes --

WES
Last week, we had the most amazing--

KELLY
(cutting him off)
Last week was last week.
(indicating Yorkie)
I need to talk to my friend here,
okay? Haven't seen her in a while.

Kelly puts a supportive arm round Yorkie. Yorkie is surprised
but puts on a smile for Wes.

Wes goes to speak but Kelly interrupts--

KELLY (CONT’D)
Wes, she's sick. Like six months to
live sick.

YORKIE
Five, actually.

Kelly looks at Yorkie, amused and impressed -- but then
immediately having to hide this. She looks back at Wes.

KELLY
I need to catch up with her.
Private time.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 5.

Wes looks, considers protesting, then thinks better of it.

WES
Okay. Okay.
(to Yorkie)
Hey I'm sorry.

YORKIE
That's okay.

WES
(to Kelly)
I'll see you around.

KELLY
Sure.

The girls watch him leave.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Sorry for killing you. The whole
six months to live thing. Sorry --
five. Five was a nice touch.
(she holds her hand out)
Kelly.

YORKIE
Yorkie

KELLY
“Yurgi”?

YORKIE
(slightly louder)
Yorkie

KELLY
Like the dog breed?

YORKIE
(shy laugh)
Yeah.

Kelly thumbs in the direction of Wes.

KELLY
He's not a bad guy. I feel kinda
bad. Met him at the Quagmire, so...

YORKIE
What's a Quagmire?

Kelly looks at her. She decides Yorkie looks a little
innocent.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 6.

KELLY
If you don't already know what the
Quagmire is, you probably don't
want to know.

Kelly looks at Yorkie's empty glass.

KELLY (CONT'D)
You want another one?

YORKIE
Uh, I'm not sure --

KELLY
Yeah you do. Come on.

She stands up, beckons Yorkie to follow.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Do I have to tug your leash?

Yorkie smiles.

Genres: ["drama","romance","sci-fi"]

Summary Yorkie meets Kelly, who saves her from an unwanted conversation with Wes. Kelly invites Yorkie for another drink.

Strengths "Strong introduction of Kelly and Yorkie's characters."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot development."

Critique Overall, this scene flows well and sets up some important plot points. However, there are a few things that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the dialogue feels a bit forced and exposition-heavy at times, particularly with Kelly's sudden mention of Yorkie's sickness and the Quagmire. It might have been more effective to reveal these details more subtly over time, rather than all at once in this one scene.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from some more vivid description to help paint a picture of the setting and characters. For example, we are told that there are "young couples," "preening jocks," and "cool kids" in the bar, but we don't get a clear sense of what they look like or how they're behaving.

Finally, while the interaction between Kelly and Yorkie is intriguing and sets up their relationship for the rest of the episode, the scene could use a little more tension or conflict to make it more engaging. As it stands, it reads as a relatively simple meet-cute with a few sprinkles of exposition.

Overall, this is a solid scene that could be improved with sharper dialogue, more descriptive language, and a stronger sense of conflict.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

- While the scene establishes the setting and introduces the characters, it could benefit from a stronger hook or inciting incident to make the audience more invested. Consider adding an obstacle or challenge for the characters to overcome, or a new piece of information that raises the stakes.

- The dialog feels a bit on-the-nose, with Kelly explicitly instructing Yorkie to "go along with whatever I say." Perhaps find a more subtle way for Kelly to convey her intentions while keeping the audience curious as to what she's up to.

- The exchange between Kelly and Wes could be more dynamic, with more tension or conflict. Instead of Wes giving up so easily, maybe he tries to convince Kelly to stay or reveals something about their past relationship.

- The last interaction between Kelly and Yorkie feels a bit forced, with Kelly trying to establish a rapport without much organic buildup. Consider finding a more natural way for them to connect or bond over a shared interest or experience.

Scene 4 - Meeting at the Bar

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

6 INT. TUCKER'S - BAR - LATER 6

A few moments later, the girls are at the bar, on bar stools.
Kelly leans forward to get the attention of the barman, who
has blonde hair. Walk Like An Egyptian is playing.

KELLY
(to barman)
Hey. Blondie?

Mock-offended, the barman points to himself.

BARMAN
I'm "blondie"?

KELLY
You are. Jack and Coke, times two.

YORKIE
Oh no. Mine was just Coke.

KELLY
(ignoring that, to barman)
Times two.

Blondie starts fixing the drinks. Kelly turns to Yorkie, and
looks at her slightly strangely.

YORKIE
What are you doing?

KELLY
I'm ‘regarding’ you.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 7.

YORKIE
Feel like I'm being... analysed.

KELLY
Shhh.
(she's reached a
conclusion)
Why the glasses?

Self-consciously, Yorkie touches her glasses.

KELLY (CONT'D)
I mean I like them, they totally
work on you, but do you need them?
I mean do you --

YORKIE
Yeah the lenses don't do anything.

KELLY
Knew it.

YORKIE
I wore glasses back in school but I
guess now they’re kind of a comfort
thing --

KELLY
Old times' sake.
(beat)
I’d figured they were kind of a
fashion statement --

YORKIE
Really?

KELLY
- but then the rest of your outfit
is... Not.

Yorkie looks down at her clothes, a tad self-conscious.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Don't take that wrong. It’s
refreshing. I mean look around.
People try so hard to look how they
think they should look.

The clientele do look like they're trying too hard.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Looks they probably saw in some
movie.

Kelly lightly touches Yorkie's glasses.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 8.

KELLY (CONT’D)
But I like these. They’re
authentically you.

Yorkie is shy.

YORKIE
To be honest I think I wear them
for something to hide behind.

KELLY
(dry)
Something transparent to hide
behind. Okay.

Just then Blondie puts the drinks on the bar.

KELLY (CONT’D)
(to Blondie)
Thanks.
(to Yorkie)
Cheers.

Yorkie clinks glasses and takes a sip. The taste of the Jack
Daniel's makes her cough a little.

YORKIE
(coughing)
That's --

KELLY
(incredulous)
Never tasted it before?

Yorkie doesn't answer at first. Sips more, a bit embarrassed.

YORKIE
No. I just-- haven't had it in a
while. It's good.

Kelly is 'regarding' her again.

KELLY
Do you live here?

YORKIE
No, but --

KELLY
A tourist?

Yorkie waves her head as though to say "kind of yes, kind of
no", uncertain how to answer.

KELLY (CONT’D)
We'll go with tourist. So you're
new here?
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 9.

YORKIE
First night.

KELLY
First night! Well okay.

She clinks her glass against Yorkie's.

The music changes. The opening of What Have You Done For Me
Lately by Janet Jackson (or equiv). Kelly laughs and claps.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Oh my God! Ha!
(laughing)
We HAVE to dance to this.

She takes a huge gulp of her drink.

YORKIE
With each other?

KELLY
Uh huh.

Yorkie glances at the dance floor. People uninhibited,
laughing, enjoying themselves. Then she looks back at Kelly.

YORKIE
Dance floors are not ‘me’.

KELLY
Ah let’s not limit ourselves...

She takes Yorkie's hand and starts to lead her toward the
dance floor. Yorkie pulls back, hesitant.

YORKIE
I can’t-

KELLY
My ass you can’t, c’mon--

YORKIE
I’ll look dumb and-

KELLY
Just follow my lead.

And she leads Yorkie toward the dance floor.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Yorkie meets Kelly at a bar and they have a conversation and drink together. Kelly invites Yorkie to dance with her.

Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development."

Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot development and conflict."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with good dialogue and character development. The interaction between Kelly, the confident and outgoing character, and Yorkie, the shy and introverted character, is engaging and sets up their dynamic for the rest of the episode. The use of music sets a playful tone and adds to the scene's ambiance.

One suggestion for improvement would be to incorporate more action and sensory details to create a more vivid image of the setting and characters. For example, describing the bar's atmosphere, lighting, or the way the drinks taste and feel. This can help to immerse the audience in the scene and make it more relatable.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more conflict or tension. While the dialogue is well-written and entertaining, there is not much at stake for the characters. Adding a sense of urgency or consequence can help to create a more engaging scene. For example, if Kelly and Yorkie's interaction was interrupted by a disruptive patron or if dancing was a requirement for entrance into a VIP section, it would heighten the stakes and add more tension.

Overall, the scene is well-written, but adding more sensory details and tension could elevate it further.

Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and flows smoothly. One suggestion would be to add more physical cues to the characters' actions, as this can help bring the scene to life on the screen. For example, instead of just having Kelly say "Thanks" to the bartender, the script could include her reaching for the drinks and handing them to Yorkie, or taking a sip before clinking glasses with her. Similarly, when Kelly leads Yorkie to the dance floor, there could be descriptions of the music, the movements of the other dancers, and how the characters react to all of this. This will help the scene feel more dynamic and engaging to the audience. Additionally, it may be helpful to add some more context to these characters and their relationship, such as what led them to meet at this bar and what they are hoping to get out of their encounter. This can help add more depth and meaning to their conversations and interactions.

Scene 5 - Yorkie Learns to Dance

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 8

7 INT. TUCKER'S - DANCE FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER 7

The chorus of the track is in full swing. Kelly dances --
carefree. Yorkie is quite awkward. Almost just standing,
watching. She looks around, trying to vaguely move her
shoulders in time but it's painful to watch. Kelly leans in.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 10.

KELLY
(raised voice over music)
Copy me!

She starts to perform a dance move, pretty much lifted from
Janet Jackson -- nothing too elaborate -- indicating Yorkie
should copy her.

Yorkie starts to follow suit. She’s getting better. Kelly
laughs and nods.

KELLY (CONT’D)
You got it!

Yorkie starts to smile. Hesitancy giving way to enjoyment.
Kelly shows her another move - she copies it -- and another.
It's almost like Simon Says.

Then Kelly ups her game, performs a more flamboyant, somewhat
provocative, writhing move.

Other people on the dance floor start to notice. They’re
enjoying the scene -- not in a malicious or mocking way --
but laughing appreciatively.

Yorkie can't match that. She glances around, self-conscious.
Kelly is oblivious. For a moment we hold on Yorkie as she
watches Kelly lost in the moment, enjoying the attention of
the other dancers.

Yorkie, a little sadly, backs away, then leaves.

Kelly doesn't notice at first. Then she looks around just in
time to see Yorkie leaving.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Kelly teaches Yorkie to dance and they bond over it.

Strengths

The scene is a heartwarming moment of connecting through dance
The dancing showcases the chemistry between the two leads

Weaknesses

The scene can come off as cheesy or cliche

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and enjoyable to read. The descriptions are clear and the dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions of the characters.

One minor issue is that the stage directions sometimes feel a bit too simplistic and could benefit from more detail and specificity to enhance the visual experience for the reader.

In terms of character development, the scene does a good job of showing the contrast between Kelly and Yorkie's personalities and comfort levels on the dance floor. The moment where Yorkie backs away and leaves is poignant and effectively highlights her insecurity.

However, it might be useful to explore the reasons behind Kelly's obliviousness to Yorkie's departure. Is it intentional disregard or simply being caught up in the moment? Adding some context to her actions could potentially deepen her character.

Overall, the scene is well-crafted and effectively moves the story forward while developing the characters.

Suggestions Overall, this scene is effective in establishing the dynamic between Kelly and Yorkie. However, there are a few suggestions that could enhance the scene:

1. Emphasize the contrast between Kelly and Yorkie's dancing abilities more prominently. Right now, the description only hints at it, but it could be made more apparent visually through camera shots or editing.

2. Increase the tension in the scene by introducing a conflict or obstacle for the characters to overcome. Perhaps Yorkie feels embarrassed by her dancing and wants to leave, but Kelly encourages her to stay and keep trying. Or, the provocative move Kelly performs is seen as offensive by some of the other dancers, causing Kelly and Yorkie to face backlash.

3. Use visual and auditory cues to convey the mood of the scene. Right now, the only description of the music and audience reaction is that they are "in full swing" and "enjoying the scene." Adding more specific descriptions, such as the beat of the music or the laughter of the crowd, can create a more immersive experience for the reader or viewer.

4. Consider adding more dialogue between Kelly and Yorkie to reveal their personalities and motivations. Right now, Kelly is the more dominant character, but we don't know what Yorkie is thinking or feeling beyond her hesitancy on the dance floor. By giving her more lines or inner thoughts, the audience can better understand her as a character.

Scene 6 - Yorkie and Kelly's Dance

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

8 EXT. TUCKER'S - ALLEYWAY -- MOMENTS LATER 8

Yorkie opens a fire door and exits the building - to discover
it's raining. She stays beneath the awning. Kelly emerges.

KELLY
Hey. Why'd you run away?

YORKIE
Sorry -- I said I’m not much of a
dancer.

KELLY
No shit. Like a frightened horse on
a frozen lake back there.

Yorkie goes to walk off.

KELLY (CONT’D)
I'm kidding.

Yorkie turns to look at her, an eyebrow raised.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 11.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Half kidding.
(beat)
Sorry I pushed you into it.
Saturday night's once a week, it's
like no time, I get impatient.

Yorkie sits down on a low wall (or equiv), with a sigh.

YORKIE
It’s not that; everyone was
looking.

KELLY
Looking-?

YORKIE
(indicating the two of
them)
You know? Two girls, dancing.

KELLY
Okay: one, folks are way less
uptight than they used to be, and
two, this is a party town, no-one’s
judging.

Kelly looks down at herself, at her own body. Does a slightly
ridiculous ‘sexy’ move.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Face it, if they were staring it’s
because I. Am. Bodacious.

That makes Yorkie laugh a little.

YORKIE
You’re stupid.

KELLY
Thank you.

Yorkie looks up at the night sky.

YORKIE
I've never been on a dance floor
before.

KELLY
Never? As in whole time you've been
alive, never?

YORKIE
Never.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 12.

KELLY
What are you, like, Amish? That's
one sheltered existence you got
there.

Yorkie shrugs.

YORKIE
As far as my family's concerned I
can't do anything.

Kelly sits down beside Yorkie.

KELLY
Yeah. Well. No-one knows about even
half the shit I get up to.
(beat)
With your folks, it's from a place
of love, though right? They worry.

YORKIE
They don't worry. Just the concept
of me enjoying myself... That would
blowwww their minds.

Kelly looks at Yorkie for a moment. Yorkie is kicking her
legs against the wall, absentmindedly. Kelly looks at her
legs.

KELLY
What would you like to do? That
you've never done?

She sidles in, a little closer. Yorkie smiles, a little
excited, a little shy.

YORKIE
Uh...
(looking up)
Oh so many things.

KELLY
San Junipero's a party town. All up
for grabs.
(beat)
Midnight's two hours away.

Kelly's inched in a little more. Yorkie is almost shaking
now, with nerves and excitement.

YORKIE
That's not long.

Kelly brushes some hair away from Yorkie's neck. Then leans
in and talks quietly, almost in her ear.

KELLY
Why waste time sitting here?
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 13.

She puts her hand on Yorkie's inner thigh. Yorkie exhales, as
if with vertigo.

Then she abruptly stands up, very flustered.

YORKIE
I - uh -- I -- listen --

Kelly isn't offended, immediately takes it with good grace.

KELLY
It's okay.

YORKIE
No, I mean --
(hand over eyes)
Dammit
(eyes open again -- trying
to get words out)
Look, I -- ah -- you seem --

KELLY
Really, it's okay.

YORKIE
(babbling)
I'm engaged. I have a fiancé.

KELLY
At your age?

YORKIE
Yes. I know. Yes.

Kelly is almost amused by Yorkie's embarrassed flustering

YORKIE (CONT’D)
He's a good guy. He's a nice guy.

KELLY
Good guy nice guy--

YORKIE
He is a good guy

KELLY
Rootin' tootin' straight up guy--

YORKIE
Greg, he's called Greg-

KELLY
And is Greg here?

YORKIE
No he's --
(she indicates "somewhere
else")
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 14.

KELLY
Elsewhere?

YORKIE
Yeah.

KELLY
Uh-huh.
(beat)
You want to go to bed with me? We
could be back at mine like--

She clicks her fingers.

YORKIE
I never did anything like that.

KELLY
(smiling)
All the more reason.

Yorkie agonizes for a moment.

YORKIE
I... You're nice. I can't.

KELLY
(shrug)
Okay.

YORKIE
I can't. I-

Kelly is still good-natured.

KELLY
I get it.

YORKIE
I have to go.

KELLY
(indicating the rain)
In this?

YORKIE
It's been great to meet you.

She holds out her hand. To shake hands. Kelly looks at her
hand, amused. Then shakes it.

KELLY
Likewise.

Then Yorkie turns and starts to walk away, quickly. Kelly
watches her leave for a moment, still slightly amused.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 15.

We follow with Yorkie for a few moments, tight on her face,
as she strides away, through the rain, murmuring to herself.

YORKIE
(to self)
Okay. Okay. Okay. Shit. Shit.

She stops. She looks up at the sky again. Closes her eyes.
Exhales. Opens her eyes again. Makes a decision.

She turns on her heel to look at Kelly. But she's not there.
Yorkie just catches a glimpse of Kelly walking back in
through the fire escape, the door closing behind her.

Yorkie hovers for a moment, then decides not to follow.

She turns around again and walks away, a little crushed.

Genres: ["Romance","Drama"]

Summary Yorkie and Kelly have a deep conversation about their personal lives and insecurities. Kelly invites Yorkie to sleep with her, but Yorkie declines due to her engagement to Greg. Kelly remains understanding, and Yorkie leaves feeling conflicted.

Strengths "The conversation between Yorkie and Kelly is honest and revealing, adding depth to their characters. The scene also highlights the internal conflict Yorkie is dealing with."

Weaknesses "The scene feels like it could have been trimmed down without losing its impact."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and serves its purpose in advancing the story and providing character development. The dialogue feels natural and believable, and the scene successfully conveys the mixed emotions that Yorkie is experiencing.

One thing that could be improved is the pacing of the scene. While it's important to give time for the characters to interact and build a connection, some of the dialogue could be trimmed down to keep the scene moving. Additionally, the scene could benefit from some visual elements to break up the dialogue and add some variety to the shot composition.

Another minor issue is that some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose in terms of exposition and character motivation. For example, when Kelly asks Yorkie what she wants to do, it feels like a setup for future plot developments rather than a natural conversation between characters.

Overall, though, the scene effectively introduces the characters and sets up their relationship for the remainder of the episode. With some tweaks to pacing and dialogue, it could be even more effective.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written, but there are a few suggestions to improve the pacing and create more clarity for the audience:

1. Utilize more specific descriptions. Instead of saying "low wall (or equiv)," describe the wall in more detail to create a clearer picture for the audience. The same goes for other settings in the scene.

2. Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue. While the conversation between Kelly and Yorkie is enjoyable, there are opportunities to add layers to the conversation by including small details or hints at their motivations.

3. Balance the tension and release. The scene could benefit from moments of heightened tension or rising stakes to create a stronger emotional arc for both characters.

4. Use the setting to create a mood. While the rain and awning are briefly mentioned, there could be more descriptions of the environment and how it affects the characters. This can help establish tone and atmosphere for the scene.

Scene 7 - Yorkie and Kelly Bond

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

9 EXT. SAN JUNIPERO - NIGHT 9

We see the moon hovering in the sky. Perfect circle.

10 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT 10

CAPTION: ONE WEEK LATER

Golden hour. Amber light cast on mountains in the background
as the sun bows behind the ocean.

In a low-rise apartment block, a light is on. We close in
slightly.

11 INT. YORKIE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 11

The room is small and sparsely decorated. Panic by The Smiths
is playing on a small tape deck.

Yorkie stands in front of a full length mirror, wearing
similar dowdy gear to last week. She’s looking at herself.
She takes off her glasses.

Next she’s trying on a dress. Magenta, figure-hugging. A
little like Whitney Houston in the video for I Wanna Dance
With Somebody.

She looks at herself and wrinkles her nose. It's not her.

A quick cut and she's trying another look. A pink dress, her
hair tied back. Not dissimilar to Ally Sheedy's makeover in
The Breakfast Club.

Again, she decides against it.

Next she's in the bathroom, looking closely into a cabinet
mirror at her face.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 16.

Her hair is slicked back, her face is now heavily made-up --
reminiscent perhaps of the 'band of supermodels' in Robert
Palmer's Addicted to Love video.

She looks at her face. It's not her.

YORKIE
No.

Finally she tries something else. A bit more confident, a bit
more glam than before, but still "her". She puts on her
glasses.

12 EXT. KELLY'S PLACE - EARLY EVENING 12

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Kelly is leaving a house -- a kind of
clapboard beach house -- and walking towards her car, a red
Jeep.

She climbs in, revs the engine.

Sign O' The Times starts playing on the stereo.

She reverses out of the driveway and goes to drive forward,
but suddenly Wes is there, in the road.

She pulls a face. Not entirely unkind, but unimpressed and
impatient. She guns the engine and drives around him.

13 I/E. KELLY'S CAR - HIGHWAY - SUNSET 13

Kelly's car roars along the highway, Prince at full volume.
She taps the steering wheel in time.

14 EXT. TUCKER'S - REAR CAR LOT - LATER 14

Now it’s getting dark. Kelly's jeep rolls into the car lot
and pulls to a halt. She climbs out, locks the door, turns
around -- and there's Wes.

KELLY
What the hell, Wes?

She starts to head for the bar. Wes follows.

WES
Look, okay, I know--

KELLY
I'm red-lighting you. For real,
okay?

WES
No! Don't.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 17.

KELLY
Then stop this.

WES
Just hear me out.

Kelly stops. This is no fun now.

KELLY
How many girls you think there are
in San Junipero? Hundreds?
Thousands?

WES
I don't care --

KELLY
I'm saying there's plenty of other
girls for you Wes. Ones you could
actually settle down with.

WES
The locals, they're like dead
people--

Just then a nearby party-going group walk past -- a woman,
whoops.

KELLY
A little lively for dead people-

WES
I don't want some boring romance
like, Jesus, put us in the
retirement home, deal--

KELLY
(interrupting)
Well if you just want someone to
fuck, there's options, hang out at
The Quagmire again --

WES
It's not just sex--

KELLY
It was just sex--

WES
We made a connection--

KELLY
Wes? Truly: it was just sex.

Wes is a little wounded.

WES
But. No...
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 18.

Kelly takes his hand.

KELLY
I'm done with attachments. I went
down that road. For a long time.
And it's -- I can't do that again.
No roots.

She puts a hand on his cheek.

KELLY (CONT’D)
We had fun. I'm sorry.
(beat)
Enjoy the town for God's sake.

Wes nods. He knows he's beaten. Kelly heads for the bar.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Yorkie tries on different looks and ends up finding something that feels like herself, while Kelly has a conversation with Wes about their past relationship.

Strengths "Character development and bonding"

Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot advancement"

Critique The scene has good pacing and uses visual cues to set the scene and mood. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. The conversation between Kelly and Wes feels overly scripted, and their motivations could be better developed to create a more authentic and complex dynamic. Additionally, there could be more specific details about the characters' actions and reactions to enhance their characterizations.

Suggestions 1. Consider adding more action and conflict to the scene between Yorkie and Kelly. While their actions and dialogue are clear, the scene could benefit from some more tension and stakes that will engage the audience.

2. Think about adding more visual description that enhances the mood and atmosphere. The scene is at night, so consider using more descriptive language to convey the darkness and mystery of the environment.

3. Consider adding more insight into the characters' emotions and motivations. While their dialogue is well-written, it can be strengthened by giving more insight into how they are feeling and what they are really thinking.

4. Consider adding more thematic depth to the scene. What is the main message you want to convey to the audience through this scene? How can you use the visuals and dialogue to communicate that message in a way that engages viewers?

Scene 8 - Yorkie and Kelly's Encounter

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

15 INT. TUCKER'S - BAR - LATER 15

Living in a Box by Living in a Box is playing.

Kelly is at the bar. A dude called HARVEY, who looks like
he’s trying to emulate Miami Vice era Don Johnson but not
quite nailing it, sidles over to her. She looks up.

HARVEY
Hey.

Kelly’s not too interested. But she’s polite.

KELLY
Hey.

HARVEY
Waiting for someone?

KELLY
Not really.

Harvey sits beside her.

HARVEY
Get you a drink?

KELLY
Sure.

A small distance away, we find YORKIE, dressed in her regular
attire, watching Kelly, plucking up the courage to approach.
From Yorkie’s perspective, Kelly is listening to Harvey. When
we’re closer up, we can see Kelly is a tad bored. Harvey’s
saying stuff like:

HARVEY
... so it was micro-surgery I
guess, I mean both my kneecaps were
just kinda worn down...
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 19.

Back to Yorkie. She seems to be exhaling, calming herself,
mentally counting down.

Then she starts walking over.

Meanwhile, Harvey has noticed the chorus to Living in a Box.

HARVEY (CONT'D)
Never got this song; kinda weird.

Kelly looks around and spots Yorkie. She smiles and holds her
arm out to Harvey.

KELLY
Shall we dance?

HARVEY
Uh, sure --

She leads him toward the dance floor. Yorkie stops walking
and watches. As they approach the dance floor, Need You
Tonight by INXS comes on.

Kelly dances to the chorus. Aware she’s being watched.

Yorkie watches, wanting to walk over, and failing.

16 INT. TUCKER'S - BOOTH AREA - LATER 16

Kelly sits in a booth with Harvey, while he talks sports.

Yorkie sits alone at a table across the way, with a drink.

The jukebox is playing Club Nouveau's cover of Lean On Me.

Yorkie glances over at Kelly. Kelly is looking at the table.
Yorkie looks back at her drink.

Then back at Kelly. This time Kelly is looking at her.
Sipping on a straw.

Flustered, Yorkie looks back down. Kelly smiles faintly.

She leans in to Harvey, interrupting him.

HARVEY
... I mean I guess if at the time
I'd put that money into, like
computing, caught that first wave,
woulda been a different story -

KELLY
Gotta use the bathroom.

She stands up and walks toward the ladies restroom.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 20.

Across the way, Yorkie watches her go. Kelly glances at her
as she leaves.

Yorkie gets up.

17 INT. TUCKER'S - LADIES RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER 17

There's no-one else here. Kelly is standing in front of the
mirror checking her hair. Yorkie enters. She stands beside
her. Just stands there for a moment.

No-one says anything.

Then:

YORKIE
I don't know how to do this.

Kelly is still looking in the mirror. Mock innocent:

KELLY
Do what?

YORKIE
Just help me. Can you just --

Kelly looks at her.

YORKIE (CONT'D)
Can you make this easy for me?

Kelly touches her face.

KELLY
You want to get in my car?

Yorkie, looking at the floor, nods.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Then let's do that.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Yorkie approaches Kelly at a bar and they dance together. Kelly goes to the restroom and Yorkie follows her, confessing her uncertainty about her engagement and asking for help. Kelly suggests they leave together.

Strengths "The scene is emotionally powerful and well-written, with strong characterization and effective dialogue."

Weaknesses "More could be done to establish the setting and build tension or conflict."

Critique Overall, the scene is written well with clear descriptions of the setting and characters' actions. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the dialogue between Harvey and Kelly is a bit flat and generic, which makes it difficult to really engage with their conversation. The writer could benefit from adding more depth or specificity to their exchange.

Additionally, while the scene is able to establish Yorkie's interest in Kelly, it feels abrupt how Kelly goes from being mildly bored with Harvey to suddenly smiling and inviting Yorkie to dance. It could be helpful for the writer to include more build-up or tension between Kelly and Yorkie, rather than having their interaction feel so sudden.

Finally, the final exchange between Kelly and Yorkie in the bathroom could benefit from more emotional weight or sense of danger, since Yorkie is essentially confessing her feelings to a stranger in a public restroom. Adding more tension or nuance to this conversation could heighten the stakes and make the scene more compelling.

Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more context and background to the characters, particularly Kelly and Yorkie, so that their motivations and actions are more clearly understood. This could be done through dialogue or visual cues, such as clothing or body language. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more tension and conflict, perhaps through the introduction of a rival love interest or an external obstacle that makes it difficult for Yorkie to approach Kelly. Overall, the scene could use more development and depth to make it more compelling and engaging for the audience.

Scene 9 - A Moment of Uncertainty

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

18 EXT. TUCKER'S - REAR CAR LOT - MOMENTS LATER 18

Kelly leads Yorkie out via the fire escape. Walks to the car.
She opens the passenger door. Yorkie hesitates, staring at
the car a moment.

KELLY
I got to lift you up and put you
in?

Yorkie gets in.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 21.

19 I/E. KELLY'S CAR - FREEWAY - LATER 19

Kelly is racing, at speed, down the freeway. A coastal road.
Yorkie winces slightly as they skid around a bend.

KELLY
(voice raised over the
engine)
Relax. What's the worst that's
gonna happen?

Yorkie looks out of the window. Then back at Kelly.

YORKIE
How long have you been here?

KELLY
Sorry?

YORKIE
(raised voice)
How long you been here?

KELLY
In San Junipero?

YORKIE
Yeah.

KELLY
Ah...
(thinking)
Couple months.
(beat)
Plan is: long enough to enjoy
myself.
(she looks at Yorkie)
Guess I'm a tourist like you.

Yorkie looks out the window again.

YORKIE
Yeah.

She looks a little troubled. Kelly can't see this. But after
a few beats she notices Yorkie is facing the other way.

KELLY
Hey.

Nothing.

KELLY (CONT’D)
You okay?

YORKIE
Yeah.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 22.

Yorkie turns around. Kelly is looking straight at her, not
watching the road.

Suddenly Yorkie sees headlights coming straight for them.
Their car has drifted into the oncoming lane.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Shit!

Kelly quickly tugs the wheel, sending the car off the road,
along a dusty bank.

Yorkie looks terrified.

The car skids to a halt.

Kelly looks at Yorkie, who's ruffled, breathing fast.
Suddenly Kelly claps her hands, laughs once.

KELLY
Sorry but --
(laugh)
Man your face.

Yorkie laughs nervously.

Kelly starts the engine again.

20 EXT. KELLY'S HOUSE - LATER 20

Kelly's jeep is parked outside her home. Kelly and Yorkie are
entering the front door.

21 INT. KELLY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 21

They walk inside. Yorkie looks around. It’s a nice place.
Yorkie looks around a moment.

YORKIE
Wow.

KELLY
You like it?

Yorkie is looking around.

YORKIE
It’s just so big -

KELLY
Reminds me of where I grew up.

Yorkie spots a small photo of a woman aged around 40 on a
mantelpiece. A photo of a dark-haired woman smiling, beneath
a handmade sign reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISON.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 23.

YORKIE
With your mom?

Kelly gently turns Yorkie away from the photo, to face her
instead. Then she starts kissing Yorkie. After a moment's
hesitation, Yorkie reciprocates.

22 INT. KELLY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 22

It's dark in here. The two women lay down on the bed, Kelly
leading Yorkie.

Kelly's hand moves to unbutton Yorkie's jeans.

YORKIE
(breathless)
You'll have to show me --

KELLY
Good.

They kiss passionately.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Kelly takes Yorkie out of the simulated reality and offers to help her with her engagement troubles. They later end up at Kelly's house, where they share an intimate moment.

Strengths "The scene showcases a strong emotional connection between the two characters and addresses themes of identity, relationships, and choice. The dialogue is well-written and the pacing is effective."

Weaknesses "The scene could be more visually engaging and could benefit from more immersive settings."

Critique Overall, the scene is well written and effectively advances the plot and character development. The pacing of the scene is strong, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The dialogue is natural and believable, with well-crafted individual character voices. However, the sudden shift from the car accident to the bedroom may be jarring for some viewers and could potentially detract from the emotional impact of the accident scene. Additionally, there may be a missed opportunity to further explore Yorkie's emotional state after the accident. Overall, a well-executed scene but could benefit from further exploration of character emotions.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Establishing Shots: Consider adding establishing shots for Tucker's and the coastal road to create more context and add visual interest to the scene.

2. Characterization: Develop the characterization of Kelly and Yorkie further. Why are they together? What do they want from each other? What motivates them?

3. Dialogue: The dialogue can be more natural and nuanced. Yorkie's sudden questioning of Kelly's San Junipero history feels abrupt and forced. You can build this up more organically through conversation earlier in the scene.

4. Tension: Build more tension in the car scene. Instead of simply throwing in a sudden car accident, you can ramp up the tension by adding more conflict or foreshadowing.

5. Description: The description of the physical actions could use some improvement. Instead of simply stating that they lay down on the bed, describe the intimate touches and movements to heighten the sensuality of the moment.

Overall, this scene has potential but can benefit from further development and revision for a smoother flow and heightened emotional impact.

Scene 10 - The Confession

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

23 INT. KELLY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - LATER 23

Afterwards, they lie side by side in the darkness, looking up
at the ceiling.

KELLY
You never slept with a woman
before?
(beat; strokes Yorkie's
hair:)
That's not a critique. I mean that
was fucking awesome.

YORKIE
Never with a woman.
(beat)
Never with anyone.

Kelly is astonished.

KELLY
Not anyone? What, in town, or --

YORKIE
No-one nowhere.

She turns, smiling.

YORKIE (CONT'D)
Guess you deflowered me.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 24.

KELLY
I "deflowered" you?
(laughs)
What is this, Merrie England?

YORKIE
(affectionate)
Shut up!

KELLY
You've had relationships though?

YORKIE
(no)
Uh-uh.

KELLY
Hello, you got a fiancé...

YORKIE
It's - that's - complicated-

KELLY
Yeah I’ll say.

There's a silence. They hold hands.

YORKIE
When did you know? That you liked
women?

KELLY
Uh, I like men too.
(jokey raised fist)
Equal rights!

YORKIE
Okay. But when did you know? Did
you always... know?

Kelly looks at her. She doesn't usually open up to conquests.
But there's something about Yorkie.

KELLY
I was married to a guy. A long time
I was married.
(beat)
I always 'knew', I mean, I would be
attracted to other girls, co-
workers, friends. Some waitress
who'd serve me...
(she laughs at the memory)
There were crushes. My God were
there crushes.

Her face hardens slightly.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 25.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Never acted on any of it. Never did
anything. I was in love with him. I
really was in love with him.

This is hard for her.

KELLY (CONT’D)
But he chose not to stick around.

Yorkie slides closer. Strokes Kelly's hair. There are tears
glistening in Kelly's eyes now.

KELLY (CONT’D)
So now it's me. And I'm passing
through. And before I leave I'll
have a good time.
(beat)
I'm just gonna have a good time.

Yorkie leans over and gives her a kiss. Kelly is embarrassed,
possibly even annoyed by the vulnerability she's just
displayed.

She glances at a clock radio by the bed. It's 11:59 PM.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Time's nearly up.

YORKIE
Then let's lie here.

They lie, in the dark, without speaking, for a full fifteen
seconds.

The clock radio hits 12:00 AM and we cut abruptly to black.

24 EXT. BARKER STREET - NIGHT 24

CAPTION: ONE WEEK LATER.

The Witches of Eastwick billboard has been replaced by a
poster promoting Spaceballs.

Yorkie, smiling, passes the store window with the TV in it.
There's a trail for the Max Headroom TV show on it.

She heads for Tucker's.

25 INT. TUCKER'S - CONTINUOUS 25

Yorkie heads into the bar and looks around. There's no sign
of Kelly.

She explores the arcade section. No sign of her there either
(or DAVIS, come to that).
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 26.

She checks out the booth area and the dance floor. Nope.

Finally she sits by the bar, sipping a Coke and looking
around. But Kelly's still not there.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody is playing, loudly.

Eventually she leans to speak to Blondie, the barman. Has to
shout to be heard.

YORKIE
You seen Kelly?

BARMAN
What's that?

YORKIE
Kelly.

BARMAN
Haven't seen her all night.

Yorkie looks around again.

BARMAN (CONT’D)
You tried the Quagmire?

YORKIE
What is the Quagmire?

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Yorkie and Kelly discuss their past lives and connect on a deep emotional level, leading to them sharing an intimate moment.

Strengths "Develops the characters, exposes their vulnerabilities, and displays an emotional connection between the two women."

Weaknesses "The scene may come off as slow-paced to some viewers."

Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would provide the following critique for this scene:

Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively establishes the emotional and physical connection between Kelly and Yorkie. The dialogue is strong, and the characters' vulnerability allows for a deeper understanding of their past experiences and current motivations.

However, there are a few areas where this scene could be improved. The dialogue between Kelly and Yorkie could be more nuanced and natural, especially in regards to Kelly's reveal about her past relationships and sexuality. While Kelly's story is powerful, it feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more exploration and character development.

Additionally, the scene lacks much movement or action - there's a lot of talking and lying in bed, but not much else. Some more dynamic staging or visual elements could make this scene more engaging for viewers.

Overall, this scene is solid but could benefit from some fine-tuning and added depth.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are my suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Add more visual description: There are long stretches of dialogue without any description of what the characters are doing or the setting around them. Adding more visual details can help the audience connect with the characters and their environment.

2. Build tension: There's no real conflict in this scene, which can make it feel flat. Adding some tension or suspense can make the scene more engaging. For example, if Kelly was hiding something from Yorkie or if they were being followed by someone who disapproved of their relationship.

3. Develop the characters: While we get some backstory on Kelly, Yorkie is still something of an enigma. Adding more depth to both characters can make them feel more relatable and give the audience more reason to care about their relationship.

4. Consider pacing: The scene is quite long, which can make it drag on. Breaking it up into smaller chunks with more action or changes in setting can help keep the audience engaged.

5. Use the setting: The scene takes place in a bedroom and a bar, but the setting doesn't have much of an impact on the action. Using the setting to reflect or enhance the characters' emotional states can add more depth and interest to the scene.

Scene 11 - The Quagmire

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

26 EXT. SECTION OF ROAD - NIGHT 26

Yorkie stands beside the road, almost the middle of nowhere.
She looks at a napkin in her hand, with a scribbled map on
it, given to her by the barman.

In front of her is a gate, with a dirt track behind it.
Beside it, on a small pole, is a sort of entry buzzer with
the word ‘QUAGMIRE’ where the residential name would be.

She pushes the button.

INTERCOM VOICE
Uh-huh?

YORKIE
Hi -- I’m looking for someone --

INTERCOM VOICE
Good luck with that.

Click. They’ve gone. Yorkie pushes the button again.

INTERCOM VOICE (CONT’D)
(bored)
You want in?
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 27.

YORKIE
(hesitant)
Yeah.

INTERCOM VOICE
You sure?

YORKIE
Uh, yeah -- I -

There’s a buzz. The gate is unlocked. She opens it and steps
through. In front of her, down the end of the track, in the
distance, she sees The Quagmire.

27 EXT. THE QUAGMIRE - NIGHT 27

This must be the place. For one thing, it has a big neon sign
that says QUAGMIRE.

The Quagmire looks and sounds hard-core. Like a roadhouse
from an 80s action film mixed with a German techno club.
Harley Davidsons parked outside. You Gotta Fight For Your
Right To Party blaring from within.

Two men are making out in the back of a pickup truck parked
to one side.

Yorkie looks at all this, daunted. What the fuck?

28 INT. THE QUAGMIRE - MOMENTS LATER 28

Yorkie walks in and almost leaves immediately. The interior
of the club looks like a transgressive music video. There are
people dancing in cages. With snakes.

It’s steamy, transgressive and weird in here. Like walking
into the video for Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

A man with a shaved bald head, wrapped in chains, wearing
nothing but a tight jockstrap, and pulling an absurdly
serious face, dances directly in Yorkie's path, like he
thinks he's a frickin' art installation. She goes to step
round him and he dances in her way.

She steps the other way and he finally relents.

Yorkie looks around, in search of Kelly. This is part pick-up
joint, part fantasy-fulfilment dive bar. People making out in
the corners. Exploring / flaunting their sexuality any way
they can.

Yorkie looks at all this, daunted. What the fuck?

A couple sidle over to Yorkie. A man and a woman, both in
their mid-twenties. Both dressed as sailors.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 28.

MAN
(loud over the music)
Hey.

WOMAN
Wanna have fun?

YORKIE
I'm okay thanks.

She walks away. Now the music is Something Against You by The
Pixies.

It’s claustrophobic. Stuffed corridors. She finds herself
squeezing past more people. The further she ventures in, the
more warren-like it gets. At one point she passes a room in
which some kind of orgy seems to be taking place.

Then another area -- from the doorway, glimpsed over
shoulders, and between arms, she can see there’s some sort of
bare-knuckle fight going on. (NB no blood.)

29 INT. THE QUAGMIRE - CONTINUOUS 29

Yorkie turns away and almost walks straight into WES, who's
striding past clutching a bottle of beer.

WES
Woah, hey.

YORKIE
Sorry.

Their eyes meet.

WES
I know you from somewhere.
(beat)
Tucker’s.
(beat)
Kelly’s friend, huh?

YORKIE
(nodding)
You know where to find her?

WES
How would I know that?

He starts to walk away.

YORKIE
You’re her friend.

WES
Was a friend.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 29.

YORKIE
Has she been here?

WES
No.

A beat. He looks at her. A penny drops for him.

WES (CONT'D)
You too, huh? Well --

He drinks his beer in a kind of toast.

Yorkie looks flat. This is no use. She's about to leave when
Wes takes pity on her.

WES (CONT’D)
Try a different time. Seen her in
'80. Mid 90s. '02 one time.
(beat)
She's worth a shot, right?

He raises his bottle again. Yorkie turns toward the exit.

30 EXT. BARKER STREET - 1980 - EVENING 30

CAPTION: ONE WEEK LATER

But on Barker Street, as the evening sun burns amber, earlier
period cars are driving by. They date from 1980.

The billboard now advertises the doomed Village People movie
Can't Stop The Music.

Yorkie, exactly the same age, but dressed subtly differently,
her styling befitting the year 1980, strides past the store
with the TV in the window, which is showing a scene from the
Who Shot J.R? storyline in Dallas.

She heads purposefully for Tucker's.

Genres: ["drama","romance"]

Summary Yorkie searches for Kelly at a seedy bar and is overwhelmed by the atmosphere, but persists in her search and receives a helpful lead

Strengths "The scene creates a strong sense of atmosphere and tension, and effectively conveys Yorkie's determination in her search for Kelly"

Weaknesses "The scene may be too intense for some viewers, and the sexual exploration on display may be off-putting for some audiences"

Critique The scene is well-written and creates a strong visual image of the setting, The Quagmire. The use of sensory details such as the music and the atmosphere adds to the immersive experience for the audience. The character of Yorkie is also well-developed, with her hesitancy and discomfort in the environment of The Quagmire effectively conveyed. The dialogue is also effective in revealing information about the setting and the characters. Overall, the scene is engaging and effective in advancing the story.

Suggestions One suggestion could be to add more conflict or tension to the scene. Perhaps Yorkie encounters more obstacles or challenges in her search for Kelly at The Quagmire, or maybe she is pursued or harassed by some of the patrons. Additionally, more character development could be added to Yorkie and Kelly's relationship to make the audience more invested in their search for each other. Finally, the scene could benefit from more sensory description, such as smells or textures, to create a more immersive atmosphere for the audience.

Scene 12 - The Search for Kelly

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

31 INT. TUCKER'S - CONTINUOUS 31

Funkytown by Lipps Inc pounds from the speakers as Yorkie
looks around. Everyone is dressed in the styles and fashions
of 1980.

But there's no sign of Kelly.

She walks past the arcade section, which features Pac Man,
Rally-X and Missile Command.

And there's DAVIS, the games nerd. He's styled like a young
Bill Gates, and has just completed a game of Battlezone when
he spots Yorkie.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 30.

DAVIS
Hey.

Yorkie recognizes him.

YORKIE
Oh, hey.

Davis indicates the Pac Man cabinet.

DAVIS
Golden age, right?

YORKIE
Right.

She's still looking around.

DAVIS
You playing, or..?

YORKIE
Sorry. Looking for someone.

Davis nods.

DAVIS
Maybe next time?

There's a brief cut to black. Then:

32 EXT. BARKER STREET - 1996 - NIGHT 32

CAPTION: ONE WEEK LATER

The billboard? Independence Day.

A '96 Ford Contour slides by.

Yorkie -- again, the same age, but now styled almost like a
slacker - walks past the store, which now has a Sony
Trinitron in the window, relaying a news story about the
Atlanta Olympics.

Yorkie looks up at the Tuckers sign. Which has changed. It
looks more... 90s.

33 INT. TUCKERS - CONTINUOUS 33

Full screen, we see part of the intro to the Namco arcade
game TIME CRISIS, which looks like an early Playstation
attempt to recreate the movie Die Hard. We pull out just as
Yorkie walks past.

Deeper into the bar, the music system is playing Killing Me
Softly by The Fugees.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 31.

In almost a shot for shot repeat of a scene we saw moments
ago, Yorkie seeks Kelly in the club. Everyone's dressed and
styled ala 1996.

Again she looks. Again no sign.

Yorkie sighs. No dice.

34 EXT. KELLY’S HOUSE - LATER 34

Yorkie is standing outside Kelly’s house. The lights are off.

She looks through the window -- nothing.

Checks the door.

Stands back at a distance and calls up at the upper windows:

YORKIE
Kelly!

Then louder.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Kelly!

But nothing.

35 EXT. BARKER STREET - 2002 - SUNSET 35

CAPTION: ONE WEEK LATER

There's a billboard for The Bourne Identity.

A Chrysler PT Cruiser thrums past.

Yorkie -- styled for the era -- passes a shop window with a
widescreen TV showing footage from 2002.

Into Tuckers she goes.

36 INT. TUCKERS - CONTINUOUS 36

The music system is blaring Can't Get You Out of My Head by
Kylie Minogue. (or Hot in Herrre by Nelly)

Yorkie scans the bar, the booths, the dance floor -- nothing.

She's walking out, past the arcade section, past a Namco
Dance Dance Revolution 7th Mix machine -- one of those huge
two-player 'dancing games' where you step on pads on the
floor to progress - when she suddenly stops.

Kelly's dancing on it. With Davis. Whose geeky look suddenly
seems quite chic.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 32.

Yorkie walks over to watch as they dance to some hi-energy
Japanese pop.

Kelly's doing well, as is Davis.

As the music comes to an end -- they're both awarded a GREAT!
ranking. Kelly high-fives Davis, and looks around.

She locks eyes with Yorkie. Looks unsure of herself for a
moment. Her smile drops. Then she turns to Davis.

KELLY
Excuse me. Ladies' room.

She starts to head off. Yorkie is in hot pursuit.

By the restroom, she catches up with her.

YORKIE
No. You wait a minute.

KELLY
(irritated)
Why are you here?

YORKIE
I was looking for you. Where did
you go?

KELLY
Felt like a change of music.

She starts fiddling with a Nokia 7650. Yorkie immediately
snatches it from her and throws it across the room.

YORKIE
How the hell is this your era?

KELLY
(pointing after phone)
I was looking at that.

YORKIE
You hid from me.

KELLY
1) I did not, 2) I owe you zero and
3) see point 2.

She storms into the ladies restroom.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Science Fiction"]

Summary Yorkie searches for Kelly at different points in time and different bars, but keeps missing her. When she finally finds Kelly dancing with Davis, she confronts her about hiding and they argue.

Strengths "The tension between Yorkie and Kelly is palpable and the scene builds towards a dramatic confrontation."

Weaknesses "The search for Kelly at different times feels repetitive and could have been condensed."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up the tension between Yorkie and Kelly. The use of music and cultural references is a great way to establish the time period and enhance the atmosphere of the setting. However, there could be more action and dialogue that directly advances the plot or reveals information about the characters. The ending, with Kelly storming off to the restroom, leaves the scene feeling unresolved. It may benefit from a clearer indication of what comes next or a stronger cliffhanger to keep the audience engaged.

Suggestions 1. Give more context to the characters and their relationship early on in the scene. It's unclear who Kelly is and why Yorkie is looking for her. Establishing their connection would make the audience care more about the outcome of their interaction later on.

2. Show more of Yorkie's emotional state throughout the scene. She's looking for someone important to her, but doesn't seem very distressed or heartbroken when she doesn't find them. Adding more physical actions or reactions, like her pacing around or looking more determined, would help convey her urgency and frustration.

3. Consider adding some obstacles for Yorkie to overcome in her search. The scene is a straightforward sequence of her looking around and not finding Kelly. Adding in some other people or events that distract her or lead her on a wild goose chase would make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

4. Make the dialogue more natural and specific to the characters. The conversation between Yorkie and Kelly feels generic and could be swapped out with any two people in any movie. Adding in more specific details about their history or personalities would give the dialogue more depth and authenticity.

5. Set up the Nokia phone earlier in the scene to make it more impactful when Yorkie throws it. If we see Kelly using it or talking about it before the argument, it will feel like a more meaningful moment when it gets destroyed.

Scene 13 - Unexpected Connection

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 10

37 INT. TUCKERS - LADIES RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS 37

Yorkie is right on Kelly's heels.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 33.

YORKIE
It's not about who owes who, it's
about manners.

KELLY
Hah!

YORKIE
You don't know who I am. You don't
know what this means.

KELLY
(indicating "the world")
This means fun. Or it should do.
(indicating "you and me")
And this. This is not fun. Okay.
This is not fun.

Yorkie stops fighting. Her eyes are wet.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Okay. Look. Don't (do that).

YORKIE
So you don't feel bad?

Kelly doesn't know what to say.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Maybe you should feel bad. Or at
least feel something.

She turns and leaves. Kelly sighs.

Turns and looks at herself in the mirror.

Then she punches the mirror, hard. It splinters. Shatters.

Kelly looks down at her hand. No blood.

She looks at her reflection in the mirror, which is now
unharmed.

38 EXT. TUCKERS - ALLEYWAY - MOMENTS LATER 38

The fire door is flung open as Yorkie stomps out. She paces
in a circle for a moment, upset and uncertain, not knowing
what to do.

She spots the fire escape, snaking up the side of the
building.

39 EXT. TUCKERS - FRONT - SHORTLY AFTERWARDS 39

Shortly afterwards, Kelly emerges from Tuckers, looking for
Yorkie. She looks around and can't see anything.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 34.

KELLY
Yorkie?

She starts heading for the main street to see if she can find
her. All she can see is a couple, sitting on the hood of a
car, looking up at something high up, behind her. She paces
over to them.

KELLY (CONT’D)
You seen a girl, mid-twenties,
brown hair, glasses?

The girl half of the couple just points up and behind Kelly.

Kelly turns. Standing on the roof of Tuckers, on the very
edge, is Yorkie, looking down at the sidewalk.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Aw jeez.

As Kelly turns to head for the fire escape, the GIRL turns to
the GUY.

GIRL
Why's she up there anyhow?

He shrugs a little.

GUY
Newbie testing the boundaries.
Dumbasses pull that shit a lot.
(he nudges her)
Not that I'm against tourists.

The girl giggles.

40 EXT. TUCKERS - ROOF - MOMENTS LATER 40

Kelly clambers off the top of the fire escape. Yorkie is
sitting on the edge now, calmly, legs dangling over the side.

Kelly makes her way towards her.

KELLY
Please tell me you got your pain
slider set to zero.

Yorkie continues to stare out at San Junipero.

YORKIE
Think so.

Kelly takes off her heels and sits down beside her.

KELLY
Okay, listen --
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 35.

Yorkie cuts her off. Points down at the sidewalk, the people.

YORKIE
How many of them are dead? Like
what percentage?

KELLY
As in full timers?
(shrug)
Eighty. Eighty-five.

Yorkie nods.

KELLY (CONT’D)
I'm sorry.

YORKIE
I'm not gonna jump--

KELLY
I know, I'm sorry whatever. It's --
in the time I've been here --
(sigh)
I'm just visiting, you know? And
it's -- I didn't want to... I said
I wouldn't -- I don't know --
'do'... feelings...
(beat)
You freaked me out.

She takes Yorkie's hand.

KELLY (CONT’D)
I don't want to 'like' anyone. So
you've been...
(laughs gently)
... just totally fucking
inconvenient.
(beat; squeezes her hand
harder)
Is that -- I mean --

Kelly is getting emotional now.

KELLY (CONT'D)
I don't know how long there is, and
I can't -- I -- I wasn't prepared
for this, for you, for wanting
something so--

Abruptly Yorkie turns to her, and they kiss passionately.

Genres: ["science fiction","drama","romance"]

Summary Kelly and Yorkie have a heartfelt conversation on the rooftop, where they share their feelings and connect on a deeper level, leading to a passionate kiss.

Strengths "The emotional connection between the characters is well-established and believable."

Weaknesses "The conflict level is low, and the plot development is not significant."

Critique The scene is well-written in terms of its emotional impact, but could benefit from more clear and concise dialogue. The characters are clearly struggling with their emotions and the concept of death in San Junipero, and this is conveyed effectively through their actions and reactions. However, some of the dialogue feels unclear and could be streamlined to better get across the characters' thoughts and feelings. Additionally, the scene could benefit from a clearer establishment of the setting and the characters' physical actions, as the audience may struggle to visualize some of the movements and gestures described. Overall, a strong scene with emotional resonance, but with room for improvement in terms of clarity and specificity.

Suggestions Overall, the scene has good tension and character development, but it could be improved with some added specificity and clarity.

- First, it might be helpful to establish where exactly Yorkie and Kelly are in Tuckers – are they at the bar, or in a side room? And are there other people in the restroom with them, or are they alone? This can help ground the audience in the physical space of the scene.

- When Kelly punches the mirror, it might be helpful to include a bit of action or description to show the impact of the punch – does the glass completely shatter, or just crack? Do any other patrons in the restroom react to the noise?

- In the transition from the restroom to the alleyway, it could be helpful to have a clearer sense of why Yorkie is upset and what she's thinking as she walks out. Is she angry at Kelly, or herself? Is she worried about the implications of their argument?

- In the scene on the roof, it might be helpful to establish how Kelly climbs up the fire escape – does she struggle with it, or is it an easy ascent? And when Yorkie asks about the percentage of dead people in San Junipero, it might be helpful for Kelly to respond with a bit more emotional weight – does this question trigger a personal memory or fear for her? This could add more depth to her character.

- Finally, the kiss between Yorkie and Kelly could be more impactful if it's built up a bit more gradually. Perhaps there could be more physical tension between them before the kiss – a touch on the shoulder, a nervous laugh, etc. – to signal the buildup of passion.

Overall, these additions can help ground the scene in specific details and emotions, making it more memorable and impactful.

Scene 14 - San Junipero - Heartfelt Goodbye

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

41 INT. KELLY'S PLACE - BEDROOM / BALCONY - LATER 41

Clock reads 11:55 PM. The decor in Kelly's room is slightly
different. 2002 style. There's a poster for the Salt Lake
City Winter Olympics on the wall.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 36.

The bed is in disarray. We move toward the balcony.

On the balcony, the women stand, Yorkie wrapped in a bed
sheet, Kelly in just a man's white shirt. Hair ruffled. San
Junipero in the distance. Kelly leaning over the side,
smoking a cigarette. Yorkie breaks the silence.

YORKIE
Can't believe I'm getting married
next week.

KELLY
Next week? To 'nice' Greg. Sure
you're going through with that?

YORKIE
I have to.

KELLY
You have to?

Yorkie thinks for a moment.

YORKIE
He really is a good guy. I mean my
family don't approve but they can't
stop us.
(beat)
I know he pities me, that pisses me
off, and that's not fair...

Kelly kisses her cheek.

KELLY
Shhh.

Yorkie thinks for a moment.

YORKIE
You said you didn't know how long
there is. Back on the roof. "I
don't know how long there is". What
was that?

Kelly tenses up a little. Leans back and exhales.

KELLY
They tell me three months. It's
spread basically everywhere.
(beat)
They've said three months before,
six months ago, so y'know, what do
they know?

She looks at the cigarette in her fingers.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Doesn’t even taste of anything.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 37.

She flicks it over the edge. There's a silence. Yorkie
strokes Kelly's hair.

YORKIE
So -- you're gonna stay here? Pass
over, go full time?

Kelly shakes her head.

KELLY
No. When I'm done, I am done.

YORKIE
But that's -- I mean why --?

KELLY
Richard -- that's -- my husband's
name was Richard -- he died just
two years ago. So he had the
opportunity to stay in San
Junipero, pass over. Didn't take
it. Didn't want to take it.

YORKIE
Why wouldn't anyone take it?

KELLY
He -- we both -- he had his
viewpoint. There were things he
believed, and things he didn't
believe in, and this place was one
of them. Wouldn't even visit, take
the trial run.

YORKIE
Shit, I wasn't sure I wanted to try
it out, but -- like without this
place I'd never have met someone
like you --

KELLY
Yeah you could have --

YORKIE
I wouldn't --

KELLY
We could've met outside all this--

YORKIE
You would not have got me at all.
At all.
(beat)
If you really met me, I mean if you
REALLY met me, you wouldn't like me-

KELLY
Try me.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 38.

YORKIE
-- or you wouldn't -- you wouldn't
spend time with me -- you'd --

KELLY
(more forcefully)
Try me.

Yorkie looks at her.

YORKIE
There's no point. Where are you?
Houston...

KELLY
Carson City. Nevada.

Yorkie says nothing.

KELLY (CONT’D)
So come on, I “showed you mine”.
Where are you?
(beat)
I can just look it up--

YORKIE
Santa Rosa. CA.

KELLY
That's no distance--

YORKIE
It's, what, 200 miles--

KELLY
I like to travel. When they let me,
which is not often.

YORKIE
So they won't let you anyway and--

KELLY
Oh I’ll make them let me-

Yorkie hardens.

YORKIE
I don't want you to. I don't want
you to see me.
(emotional)
I mean I'm scared-

KELLY
And I'm dying. I am dying. Whatever
you are can't scare me.
(beat)
Let me come visit. I wanna say hi.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 39.

Yorkie stares at her. Slowly, almost imperceptibly nods.

In the bedroom, the clock radio clicks from 11:59 to 12:00.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Yorkie and Kelly share an intimate moment on the balcony, where they talk about their past and emotions. Kelly reveals her illness, and Yorkie expresses fear about meeting in person. Ultimately, they agree to meet in the real world.

Strengths "Strong character development and emotional depth, excellent chemistry between the leads"

Weaknesses "Slow pacing at times, lack of action"

Critique Overall, the scene is written well and effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The dialogue between Kelly and Yorkie is engaging and dynamic, with both characters revealing their vulnerabilities and fears. This scene also provides important exposition about San Junipero and the concept of passing over.

However, there are a few moments where the dialogue could be tightened or made more specific. For example, when Yorkie says "I mean my family don't approve but they can't stop us," it's unclear who "us" is referring to. Additionally, when Kelly asks "So -- you're gonna stay here? Pass over, go full time?" it's unclear what "pass over" means without context.

Overall, though, the scene effectively develops the characters and sets up the conflict of Yorkie's impending marriage and Kelly's terminal illness.

Suggestions This scene is well-written and emotionally charged, but there are a few suggestions to improve it:

- Consider adding more visual description to set the tone of the scene. What is the lighting like? Is there any music playing?

- As the conversation between Kelly and Yorkie becomes more emotional, consider using shorter, more fragmented sentences to convey the intensity of the moment.

- Consider adding more backstory about Kelly and Richard and their history with San Junipero. This would deepen the audience's understanding of the stakes involved.

- Consider using blocking and physical action to convey the tension between Kelly and Yorkie. For example, Yorkie could take steps back from Kelly as she becomes more emotional, or Kelly could hug Yorkie to comfort her.

Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but more sensory details and active blocking could heighten the emotional impact.

Scene 15 - Visiting Kelly

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

42 EXT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - DAY 42

Outside a care home for seniors, a frail woman in her early
70s is being helped into a slightly futuristic-looking
vehicle by a kindly young nurse named Laura.

LAURA
Okay Kelly... take my hand... Here
you go.

43 I/E. DRIVERLESS VEHICLE - LATER 43

As the nurse, Laura, sits reading some kind of translucent
tablet, ELDER KELLY (because yes, that's who it is), looks
out of the window, watching the scenery, a faint smile on her
lips.

44 EXT. ST. BIRINUS HOSPITAL - LATER 44

The vehicle has come to a halt outside a hospital in Santa
Rosa. Laura helps Kelly down the steps of the vehicle. A
doctor in his 30s holds out a hand to greet her.

DOCTOR
You must be Kelly.

ELDER KELLY
I guess I must.

DOCTOR
She's waiting for you.

45 INT. PRIVATE ROOM - LATER 45

The doctor leads Kelly to a small private room. He opens the
door for her, then waits outside the room.

We follow Kelly as she walks inside.

We can hear the soft beep of a monitoring device.

The percussive rise and fall of a mechanical ventilator.

DOCTOR
She won't be able to physically
respond in any way, but she can
hear you.
(beat)
I'll give you some privacy.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 40.

Kelly looks down. There, lying in bed, is an exceptionally
frail woman in her 60s.

Grey hair, and not much of it. She's in a neck brace. She
can't move. Her eyes are open. Her mouth is frozen in a blank
expression -- neither a smile nor a grimace. She's looking at
Kelly from her fixed position.

Kelly, for a moment, doesn't know quite what to do.

She walks nearer. Takes a seat beside the bed.

She looks at Yorkie.

Takes her hand.

ELDER KELLY
Hi stupid.

She squeezes her hand.

ELDER KELLY (CONT’D)
It's good to see you.

She strokes Yorkie's hair and kisses her on the forehead.

46 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - LATER 46

A little later, Laura is helping Kelly along the corridor
when a kindly, overweight hospital porter named GREG (mid
40s), catches up with them.

GREG
(to KELLY)
Hi -- is it -- Kelly?

ELDER KELLY
It is.

He holds out a hand.

GREG
I'm Greg.

Kelly stares at him for a moment.

ELDER KELLY
You're Greg?
(beat)
Well holy shit.

GREG
You know I think it's great you
came in person before she passes
over; I mean even her folks don't
visit no more so --
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 41.

Kelly is shocked.

ELDER KELLY
She's passing over?

There's a beat. Kelly looks lost in thought. Greg looks at
Laura -- "what do I do?" -- Laura looks back -- "I don't
know".

Finally:

ELDER KELLY (CONT’D)
When?

Greg waves an arm in the direction of the hospital canteen.

GREG
Uh let's go grab a coffee.

Genres: ["Drama","Science Fiction"]

Summary Kelly visits a care home and then a hospital to see an old acquaintance. She is introduced to a woman who is unable to move or speak but can hear her.

Strengths "The scene creates a lot of emotional impact through exploring the theme of mortality. It also uses the setting to create a sense of melancholy. The dialogue is realistic."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks a lot of action and is mostly just Kelly and Elder Kelly talking. There could be more conflict to add tension."

Critique The scene starts off strong by quickly setting the location and introducing the two main characters, Kelly and Laura. However, the dialogue between them feels a bit stiff and formal. Adding more natural and conversational language would make it feel more authentic.

The transition to the driverless vehicle and the intro of the doctor feels smooth, but the description of the hospital and Kelly's sister, Yorkie, could have been conveyed more effectively. The description of Yorkie's physical state is effective in conveying her condition, but the dialogue between Kelly and Yorkie doesn't feel quite genuine, as it feels like it's lacking the emotional weight it should have.

The reveal of Yorkie's fate is well done but feels a bit rushed and the pacing could have been improved to let the audience sit with the information for a bit longer. Lastly, the introduction of Greg feels abrupt and the dialogue, again, feels a bit too formal for what should be a more emotionally charged moment.

Overall, the concept of the scene is interesting, but the execution could use some work in terms of natural dialogue and pacing.

Suggestions To improve this scene, consider adding more emotional depth and conflict to the story. Perhaps Kelly is struggling with guilt or regret over not visiting Yorkie sooner, and this visit is an attempt to make amends. Also, give Yorkie some agency in the scene, even though she's unable to physically respond. Show her inner thoughts and emotions, or have her communicate through technology or gestures. This will make the scene more engaging and dynamic. Additionally, consider adding more descriptive language and sensory details to create a richer setting and atmosphere. Lastly, ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters are authentic and believable.

Scene 16 - San Junipero: Elder Kelly Visits Greg

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

47 INT. HOSPITAL CANTEEN AREA - LATER 47

Elder Kelly sits opposite Greg at a small table. They both
have trays in front of them. The detritus of snacks nearby.
Disposable coffee cups.

GREG
She didn't tell you.

ELDER KELLY
No.
(beat)
No she did not.
(beat)
Said she was just visiting.

GREG
More like sampling the trial
version.

Kelly stares down into her coffee. Greg fills the silence.

GREG (CONT’D)
I mean I only known her the past
three years. We talk on the combox.
She told you how she ended up
quadriplegic? And how long she's
been that way?

Kelly’s face says no, she didn’t.

GREG (CONT’D)
So one night, she's 21 -- comes out
to her folks. They’re a little
‘uptight’ about it you might say.
Tell her they don't want a gay
daughter.
(MORE)
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 42.

GREG (CONT’D)
It’s not natural and so forth. They
fight, she gets in her car, runs it
off the road. Boom.

ELDER KELLY
When she was 21?

GREG
More'n 40 years back. It’s been her
whole lifetime basically.
(beat)
So the whole San Junipero system's
been a big deal for her. The
biggest deal.

He takes a bite of sandwich.

GREG (CONT’D)
The hospital didn't have a
subscription -- some of us held a
crowd-sourcing campaign. Took us a
year but we got the money.
(beat)
Course till she passes over, goes
permanent, she's got the five-hour
weekly limit - but I guess you're
the same.

ELDER KELLY
(nods)
They ration it out. They don’t
trust us with more.

GREG
I mean they say you go crazy if you
have too much. Never leave your
seat, disassociate your body from
your mind...

Kelly is warming up slightly.

ELDER KELLY
Like that doesn't happen in every
senior home already.
(beat)
System's there for therapeutic
reasons, officially, at my place.
"Immersive Nostalgia Therapy".
“Plunge you into a world of
memories”; helps with Alzheimers.
That's what they say.

Greg stops eating for a moment and looks at her.

ELDER KELLY (CONT’D)
That's not my problem incidentally.

He smiles and raises a coffee cup.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 43.

GREG
Small mercies.

Kelly wants to address something.

ELDER KELLY
So. This ‘marriage’..?

Greg finishes his coffee and exhales.

GREG
State's got a triple-lock on
euthanasia cases.
(counting on fingers)
You gotta have sign off from the
doc, the patient, and a family
member. Stops people passing over
just 'cause they prefer San
Junipero flat out.

Elder Kelly sardonically looks around the dowdy canteen.

ELDER KELLY
Who'd want to leave all this
wonder?

Greg chuckles lightly.

GREG
Heh. Anyhow Yorkie's family? Big
time religious. Don't come fuckin'
see her -- pardon my tongue -- but
they're big time religious. And
they won't sign.

ELDER KELLY
But a spouse can override that.
Hence the wedding bells.

GREG
(nods)
You got it.
(beat)
Got a pastor coming in tomorrow
A.M., she's scheduled to pass
tomorrow afternoon.

ELDER KELLY
'Scheduled to pass'. Let's just
call it dying.

GREG
If you can call it dying.

ELDER KELLY
Uploaded to the cloud. Sounds like
heaven.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 44.

GREG
I guess.

ELDER KELLY
You gonna wear a suit?

GREG
(laugh, shaking head)
Ceremony's in my coffee break.
(beat)
I never married, so I figured
what's the harm?

Kelly watches him eat for a moment.

ELDER KELLY
You're a good man.

He shrugs.

GREG
Least I could do, right?

Kelly thinks.

ELDER KELLY
You think you could hook us up to
the system, now, just for a little
while, before she passes?

GREG
You can still see her afterwards. I
mean then she's 'no limits', she's
full-fat permanent San Juniperan--

ELDER KELLY
I know, but -- can you?

Greg stops eating.

GREG
We're meant to stick to the five
hour cutoff. Once a week--

ELDER KELLY
But you can bend that. They let us
have more on birthdays and
Thanksgiving. Special occasions.

GREG
Seriously, it's so tight they--

ELDER KELLY
Night before her wedding, that's a
special occasion.

Greg thinks.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 45.

ELDER KELLY (CONT’D)
I only want a moment.

Greg buckles.

GREG
You brought your...
(gestures)
Connector with you?

ELDER KELLY
(nodding)
I call it a 'bipper'.

Genres: ["drama","romance"]

Summary Elder Kelly visits Greg in the hospital canteen and they discuss Kelly's friend, Yorkie, and her upcoming euthanasia. Kelly becomes curious and asks if they can temporarily hook her up to the San Junipero system so she can say goodbye to Yorkie before she passes.

Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development."

Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot developments."

Critique Overall, this scene demonstrates good dialogue and characterization. It effectively conveys important information about the characters and the world they inhabit, with clear exposition delivered in a natural way that doesn't feel forced. The conversation flows smoothly and realistically, with appropriate beats and pauses that add depth to the dialogue.

The character of Greg is an excellent example of how to write a character with natural, believable dialogue. He speaks in a conversational tone and shares his story in a way that feels organic and unforced. His backstory is revealed gradually, allowing the audience to build an understanding of his character in a way that feels realistic.

Elder Kelly is similarly well-constructed, with her initial reticence gradually giving way to curiosity and a willingness to engage with Greg. Her wry humor and sardonic wit add depth to her character and make her an engaging presence on-screen.

One element that could benefit from improvement is the physical description of the scene. While the dialogue is clear and effective, there is relatively little mention of the physical surroundings or the characters' actions beyond brief references to coffee cups and sandwiches. Adding more sensory details, such as descriptions of the smells and sights of the canteen area, would help to further immerse the audience in the scene and enhance its impact.

Overall, this is a well-written scene with realistic, naturalistic dialogue that conveys a lot of important information about the characters and world of the story. With a few tweaks to the physical description, it could be even more effective.

Suggestions The scene is well-written and effectively conveys the backstory of Yorkie's life and her connection to the San Junipero system. Here are a few suggestions to make it even better:

1. Show more emotion: Elder Kelly and Greg have a weighty conversation about life and death, but their delivery is somewhat flat. Add some emotional nuance to their dialogue to build empathy and increase the stakes for the audience.

2. Cut down on exposition: The exposition in the scene is necessary to bring the audience up to speed on the plot, but it could be tightened up to make the conversation feel more organic. Instead of having Greg explain how the hospital acquired its San Junipero subscription, show it through action or dialogue in an earlier scene.

3. Use the setting to enhance the mood: The hospital canteen is a banal location that doesn't contribute to the emotional tone of the scene. Consider setting the conversation in a more intimate or atmospheric location, such as Yorkie's hospital room, to heighten the sense of intimacy and emotional intensity.

4. Create more conflict: The scene doesn't have much conflict beyond Elder Kelly's request to bend the rules for San Junipero access. Consider adding additional tension or sources of friction between the characters to give the scene more dynamism and raise the stakes.

Scene 17 - Last Goodbye

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 10
Plot: 8
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 7

48 INT. PRIVATE ROOM - LATER 48

Kelly sits in a chair in the corner of the room, a box about
the size of a paperback book in her hands. She opens it up
and there's a small, extendable device within, something like
a cross between a set of earphones and a stethoscope.

Greg, meanwhile, is affixing an identical device to Yorkie, a
nodule touching her temple, in the bed.

He looks at Laura, the woman who accompanied Kelly here.

GREG
(to LAURA)
Ma'am, watch the door.
(to KELLY)
You got five minutes. No more.

ELDER KELLY
Thank you.

Kelly positions the device in place and touches the button on
a small handheld controller.

A small blue LED embedded in the device nodule starts to
glimmer.

49 EXT. KELLY'S HOUSE - DAY 49

1987. It's Kelly's San Junipero house, during daylight hours.
She opens the door, and there, looking a little confused, is
Yorkie.

KELLY
Hey. Over here. Hurry!

Yorkie looks round.

YORKIE
Not been here during daylight hours
before.
(MORE)
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 46.

YORKIE (CONT'D)
(beat)
It's warm.

Kelly walks outside to join her. They hold hands and walk
along the sand.

KELLY
So I spoke to Greg.

YORKIE
Uh-huh.

KELLY
You're passing over tomorrow.

YORKIE
Couple hours after the wedding.
(looks around)
So I guess technically I'm
honeymooning here. Forever.
(beat)
I'm sorry I didn't tell y--

Kelly puts a finger to Yorkie's lips.

KELLY
I'm gonna say something crazy.

YORKIE
Okay.

Kelly goes down on one knee. Right there.

KELLY
Wanna marry me instead?

Yorkie looks stunned.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Just -- Greg seems great, but --
why not someone you've... Connected
with...?

Yorkie drops down, and kisses her.

KELLY (CONT’D)
That a yes?

50 INT. PRIVATE ROOM - FOLLOWING DAY 50

A pastor is reading the words of the marriage ceremony, as
Kelly sits beside Yorkie, holding her hand. Greg and Laura
look on.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 47.

PASTOR
...to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold, in sickness
and in health, in good times and
woe, for richer or poorer...

51 INT. PRIVATE ROOM - LATER 51

An official-looking member of staff holds out a translucent
tablet, with a consent form on it. Using her forefinger,
Kelly taps a consent box [for 'spouse']; her consent is
registered.

The official looks round at a doctor. Gives the nod.

In the bed, Yorkie is hooked up with the 'connector' device.

There's also a new tube attached to her arm. The doctor holds
a syringe. He looks at Kelly.

Kelly, sitting beside Yorkie, is stroking Yorkie's hair. She
nods.

The doctor presses the syringe. An opaque white fluid travels
through the snaking pipe, into Yorkie's arm.

The winking LED on the connector starts to go into overdrive.

Close up on Kelly stroking Yorkie's hand.

A screen indicates her vital signs have finished.

Greg draws a sheet over Yorkie's face.

52 EXT. BEACH - LATER 52

It's a deserted beach. Daylight hours. A small cove. White
sand. Yorkie, alone, walks along the shore, closing her eyes
and feeling the warmth of the sun.

She picks up a stone and skims it into the water. Feels the
breeze and smiles. Sits down on the beach. Clenches and
unclenches her toes in the sand.

She removes her glasses. Looks at them for a moment and drops
them on the sand.

Looks up and watches the sea and the skies.

53 EXT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - DAY 53

The vehicle has drawn to a halt. Elder Kelly is being helped
out of the vehicle by Laura.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 48.

54 INT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - KELLY'S ROOM - LATER 54

Elder Kelly, sitting in an armchair, is coughing -- painfully
and deeply.

With Laura's assistance she slips on the connector device and
sits back in her arm chair.

One more cough.

LAURA
You sure you're alright?

Kelly nods, and indicates for Laura to hit the button. She
closes her eyes.

Genres: ["romance","sci-fi","drama"]

Summary Kelly and Yorkie get married in San Junipero before Yorkie passes away in real life. Kelly then tries San Junipero herself before passing away.

Strengths "Emotionally impactful scenes, strong character development"

Weaknesses "Some inconsistencies in logic regarding the San Junipero system"

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine the storytelling intention or creative choices of the screenwriter. However, I can observe technical aspects such as dialogue, camera direction, and pacing. The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of passing over in San Junipero. The transition between the private room and Kelly's memory of marrying Yorkie is smooth and well-executed. The use of the LED nodule is a clear visual language that adds an interesting sci-fi element to the scene. The pacing is spot-on, creating a sense of urgency without feeling rushed. The dialogue is natural and poignant, especially Kelly's proposal to Yorkie. Overall, the scene is well-crafted and effectively conveys a crucial moment in the episode's plot.

Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add some emotional depth to it. While it is touching to see Kelly and Yorkie get married and Yorkie experience happiness on the deserted beach, it would be even more powerful to see the emotional impact of this moment for Elder Kelly. Perhaps we could see a flashback of her struggling with her own fears and doubts about the afterlife, and then cutting back to her putting on the device with a sense of relief and hope. This would add more layers to the scene and make it more poignant for the audience.

Scene 18 - San Junipero Wedding

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

55 EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - SAN JUNIPERO - NIGHT 55

Yorkie stands by the side of the road, waiting.

Kelly pulls up in her 1987 jeep, I Need Love by LL Cool J on
the stereo. Her car has a bow on the front. She's wearing a
white wedding dress.

Yorkie laughs and claps her hands.

KELLY
You didn't dress up to see me? Come
on...

Suddenly Yorkie is also in a white wedding dress.

YORKIE
Better?

Smiling, Kelly opens the car door. Yorkie climbs in and they
drive off. There are tin cans affixed to the back, bouncing
and sparking off the road.

Genres: ["Romance","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Yorkie and Kelly have a wedding ceremony in San Junipero before Yorkie passes away in real life.

Strengths "The scene is emotionally impactful and hopeful, showcasing the beauty of love and the comfort of eternal life in San Junipero."

Weaknesses "The scene may be more enjoyable for those invested in the characters and the world of San Junipero."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The characters' dialogue is natural and feels authentic, and the detail of the tin cans bouncing off the road adds a nice touch of visual interest.

One potential issue with the scene is that it doesn't provide much context or backstory for the characters or their relationship. While it's clear that there is some kind of romantic or celebratory event happening, we don't know why Yorkie and Kelly are dressed in wedding attire or why they are driving along a deserted road. It would be helpful to provide more information earlier in the script to establish who these characters are and what their motivations are.

Another area that could be improved is the pacing of the scene. While the dialogue is well-written, there is a lot of it, and the scene might benefit from some additional visual elements or action to break it up and keep the audience engaged. For example, instead of simply describing the tin cans bouncing off the road, we could see a shot of the car from behind as it drives away, with the cans bouncing and sparking in the headlights.

Overall, this is a strong scene that showcases the writer's skill at capturing natural dialogue and creating a sense of atmosphere. With a few tweaks to pacing and context, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description to set the scene. What does the side of the road look like? Is it dark and isolated, or are there other cars passing by? Where are they driving to?

2. Utilize more sensory language. What does the air smell like? Are there any sounds besides the LL Cool J song?

3. Develop the relationship between Kelly and Yorkie more. Why are they dressing up in wedding dresses and putting a bow on Kelly's car? Do they have romantic feelings for each other, or is this just a fun, quirky thing between friends?

4. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, it comes across as light-hearted and fun, but it might benefit from some added stakes or obstacles.

5. Make the tin cans bouncing off the road more significant. Is this a tradition that holds meaning for Kelly and Yorkie, or is it just a silly addition to their wedding attire? Either way, add more weight to the cans to make them an important element of the scene.

Scene 19 - Kelly's Decision

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 10
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

56 EXT. UPPER RIDGE - LATER 56

The jeep sits parked in an isolated spot looking down over
San Junipero below. The two women sit side by side on the
hood, looking out at the lights down below. Crickets
chirping.

Yorkie looks up at the moon, and back out at the lights.

YORKIE
Looks so real.

She raps on the hood.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Feels so real.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 49.

She turns round and kisses Kelly. Then jumps off the hood and
starts dancing in the dirt.

KELLY
(laughing)
What are you doing?

YORKIE
I love it! I just --

She does a cartwheel and ends up looking out into the night.
The wind blowing through her hair.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
(quieter)
I love it.

KELLY
You've been here before.

YORKIE
Yeah but now I live here.

She turns to look at Kelly, smiling.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Be with me.

KELLY
I'm with you now.

YORKIE
That's not what I mean.

Kelly tenses up.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Pass over. When you're ready, when
it's your time. Pass over.

KELLY
Yorkie --

YORKIE
Stay here, with me--

KELLY
Can we just enjoy tonight --

YORKIE
(checking watch)
It's ten to midnight, you're out of
here in ten and we gotta wait a
week to meet again.

KELLY
You know, I'm just a visitor--
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 50.

YORKIE
For how long? Couple months? Then
what?

KELLY
We're not discussing this--

YORKIE
Then you'll be gone, just gone. You
could have forever.

KELLY
Forever, who can even make sense of
forever --

YORKIE
However long you want then, you can
remove yourself like that--
(clicks fingers)
It's not a trap, it's -- look at
it.

She gestures around. Then she raps the hood of the car again,
insistently.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
(rapping hood)
Touch it.

Kelly gets off the car, starts heading for the driver's door.

KELLY
I'm going.

Yorkie grabs her arms, turns her around. She takes Kelly's
hands and puts them on her own (Yorkie's) face.

YORKIE
It's real. This is real.
(beat)
And this.

She holds gestures to the wedding ring on her finger,
smiling.

YORKIE (CONT’D)
Uh-huh?

KELLY
C’mon, you know that’s a gesture --

YORKIE
You married me--

KELLY
To help you pass over, as a...
kindness --
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 51.

YORKIE
Not so kind to leave.

Kelly breaks off.

YORKIE (CONT'D)
Look, I’m sorry but -- I’ve got
this chance, we got this chance --
I want to share it with you.

Kelly is heading back to the car

KELLY
I said I made my choice.

YORKIE
What is it? What, you feel bad
'cause your husband isn't here?

KELLY
Don’t.

YORKIE
Well that was his choice. He chose
to turn this down-

KELLY
Please--

YORKIE
It's like he left you. I mean he
could've passed over here but, no --
he left you.

That makes Kelly instantly angry. Hard to control it.

KELLY
You don't know what you're saying.

YORKIE
You should be mad at him, not
whipping yourself with guilt--

Yorkie goes to take her hand again.

KELLY
Get off me.

Yorkie tries to pull her back

YORKIE
You can’t see it - what he did, it
was selfish, actually--

Kelly slaps her. Yorkie holds her cheek, shocked.

There's a silence. Then:
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 52.

KELLY
(angry)
Forty nine years. I was with him
for forty nine years. You can't
begin to imagine -- you can't know -
-

She's letting it all out.

KELLY (CONT’D)
The bond. The commitment. The
boredom. The yearning. The
laughter. The love of it. The
fucking love. You just cannot know.
Everything we sacrificed. The years
I gave him, the years he gave me.
Did you think to ask? Did it occur
to you to ask?

Yorkie is silenced. Kelly is increasingly emotional, and
angry.

KELLY (CONT’D)
We had a daughter. Alison. Always
difficult, always beautiful. Died
at 39 years old, bless her heart,
and Richard and I, we felt that
heartbreak as one. You think you're
the only person ever suffered, go
fuck yourself.

YORKIE
I didn't know--

KELLY
Didn't think to. Y'know when he was
dying Rich said to me -- when they
offered him this, to pass over,
pass through, serve eternity in
this fucking graveyard you're so in
love with -- he said how can I?
When she missed out, how can I? And
so he went.
(beat)
And I wish I could believe he's
with her now, they're together, but
I don't. I believe they're nowhere.
Like you said, gone. Just gone.

Yorkie goes to embrace her, but Kelly physically pushes her
away.

KELLY (CONT’D)
No. I pitied you and that's the
truth. I pitied you. And now you
give me some sales pitch about how
fuckin' peachy 'forever' could be..
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 53.

Yorkie moves closer.

YORKIE
I'm sorry--

KELLY
You want to spend forever
somewhere nothing matters? End up
like Wes; all those... lost fucks
at the Quagmire, trying anything
just to feel something? Go ahead.
But I’m out. I’m gone.

She pushes Yorkie aside -- jumps in the car, guns the engine.

YORKIE
Kelly, I'm sorry --

But it's too late. Kelly roars away.

57 I/E. KELLY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS 57

Crying, Kelly roars along the highway at full throttle. The
clock on the dash reads 11:58. She's flying at full speed.
'Just Married' cans sparking furiously against the tarmac.

She swerves around a corner, narrowly avoiding a set of
headlights. Slams her foot harder on the accelerator.

Up ahead, a section of road gives way to a drop. Before it
are a set of concrete bollards.

Kelly looks at this. Aims the car right for it.

The car thumps into the bollards. Dead stop. Glass fragments
spray around Kelly as she flies through the windshield like a
rag doll fired from a cannon.

She skids across the tarmac and comes to a halt in the centre
of the road, a broken heap.

She lies still for a moment. All is silent.

Then slowly, she sits up. She's dusty -- but physically
unharmed. She looks up at the night sky. At the moon.

Then a hand reaches down to help her up.

She looks round. It's Yorkie.

Kelly looks at the outstretched hand. Looks up at Yorkie.

The clock on the dash clicks to midnight.

Yorkie stands alone in the middle of the road.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 54.

Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama","Romance"]

Summary Kelly and Yorkie argue about staying forever in San Junipero, and Kelly drives off in anger, eventually attempting suicide in the real world. Yorkie shows up to help her pass on to the afterlife but Kelly changes her mind and goes back to San Junipero.

Strengths "Strong emotional impact, well-developed conflict"

Weaknesses "Somewhat predictable plot"

Critique Overall, this is a well-written and emotionally charged scene. The tension builds gradually as Yorkie tries to persuade Kelly to join her in San Junipero, and Kelly's anger reaches a boiling point when Yorkie suggests that her deceased husband made a selfish decision by not passing over. The dialogue is realistic and reveals the characters' motivations and backstories effectively.

One potential critique is that the scene may feel too heavy-handed and melodramatic to some viewers. The emotional outburst from Kelly may seem slightly over the top, and the choice for her to drive her car into the bollards feels a bit contrived. However, this is ultimately a matter of personal taste and the scene's impact will depend on the individual viewer.

Another potential critique is that the scene could benefit from more visual description to enhance the setting and the characters' movements. For example, the dirt that Yorkie dances on could be described in more detail to give a clearer sense of the environment, and Kelly's physical actions during her outburst could also be more vividly described.

Overall, while the scene may have some minor flaws, it effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters and sets up the rest of the story.

Suggestions The scene could benefit from some more character development leading up to this moment. It appears that Kelly's anger and outburst may be out of character if we don't know her backstory and history, particularly with her daughter's death. It may also be beneficial to show more of Yorkie's struggle in her past life before passing over to San Junipero. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened and made more concise, as it feels somewhat repetitive in places. Finally, the description of the car crash could be more vividly written to make it a more impactful moment in the story.

Scene 20 - Elder Kelly's Passing

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

58 INT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - KELLY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
58

Elder Kelly, sitting in a chair, suddenly lurches forward
slightly, as though rousing from a dream. She reaches for the
'connector' nodules on her temples and takes them off.

In the corner of the room sits Laura, asleep with an e-book
on her lap.

Elder Kelly rubs her eyes a little. Leans back against her
chair and sighs.

59 EXT. SAN JUNIPERO - NIGHT 59

Yorkie, alone, is walking along the middle of the road. She
looks up at the sky.

We fade out. Then fade up on:

60 EXT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - MORNING 60

Time has passed. Bright, burning sunlight glints off the
walls of the Sienna Trust nursing home.

61 INT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - DAY 61

Elder Kelly sits in a main lounge area. An oxygen tank
attached to her nostrils.

At other tables there are seniors playing dominos. Staring at
the walls.

62 INT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - DAY 62

In her room, Elder Kelly is having another coughing fit.
Painful, sharp. It comes to an end. Laura rubs her back.

63 EXT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - EVENING 63

Elder Kelly sits outside, watching the sun set. She seems at
peace.

ELDER KELLY
(indistinct)
Well okay then.

LAURA
Huh?

Elder Kelly just looks at her for a moment.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Kelly?
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 55.

ELDER KELLY
I said "well okay then".

Laura just looks puzzled.

ELDER KELLY (CONT’D)
All things considered I guess I'm
ready.

Laura's more confused.

LAURA
For what?

ELDER KELLY
For the rest of it.

And she smiles.

Cut to black. Then:

64 EXT. TUCKER'S CAR LOT - 1987 - DAY 64

Yorkie climbs into a black Toyota MR2 and drives out of the
car lot. She slides a cassette into the deck and hits play.

It's Belinda Carlisle, Heaven is a Place On Earth.

BELINDA CARLISLE
Ooh baby do you know what that's
worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on Earth.

65 INT. SIENNA TRUST ASSISTED LIVING - KELLY'S ROOM - DAY 65

Kelly is lying in bed, a tube delivering clear liquid into
her forearm. Connector nodules in position on her temples.

BELINDA CARLISLE
They say in heaven, loves comes
first.
We'll make heaven a place on Earth.

She closes her eyes.

The LEDs on the nodules go crazy.

66 EXT. SAN JUNIPERO HIGHWAY - DAY 66

Yorkie races along the highway in her car, stereo continuing
to blare.

BELINDA CARLISLE
Ooh heaven is a place on Earth.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 56.

67 EXT. GRAVEYARD, PRESENT DAY - DAY 67

Laura and a gaggle of seniors stand at the side of a grave as
a coffin is lowered down.

BELINDA CARLISLE
When I feel alone
I reach for you
And you bring me home.

The headstone reads:

HERE LIES

ALISON CECILIA BOOTH aged 39 years

RICHARD ALLEN BOOTH aged 74 years

And the final name, recently etched:

KELLY JANE BOOTH aged 73 years

68 EXT. KELLY'S HOUSE - SAN JUNIPERO - DAY 68

Yorkie pulls up outside. Kelly runs down the steps and leaps
into the car. Maybe they kiss.

BELINDA CARLISLE
When I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice
And it carries me.

69 EXT. SAN JUNIPERO HIGHWAY 69

The two women roar along the freeway at speed.

BELINDA CARLISLE
In this world we're just beginning
To understand the miracle of living

70 EXT. TECHNOLOGY CAMPUS - DAY 70

We're suddenly looking at the entrance-way for a tech company
campus in Silicon Valley in the present day. The name is TCKR
Systems.

BELINDA CARLISLE
Baby I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore.
BLACK MIRROR "SAN JUNIPERO" 57.

71 INT. TCKR SYSTEMS - SERVER FARM - DAY 71

We're panning past server after server, each labelled SAN
JUNIPERO and an assigned number... SAN JUNIPERO SERVER 1, SAN
JUNIPERO SERVER 2... And so on.

BELINDA CARLISLE
Ooh baby do you know what that's
worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on Earth.

We move close on a bank of LEDs, winking like crazy.

Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Elder Kelly passes away in the Sienna Trust assisted living facility while hooked up to the San Junipero system. The scene includes flashbacks to Yorkie and Kelly's time in San Junipero and ends with a shot of the TCKR Systems server farm.

Strengths "The peaceful tone and beautiful visuals help to convey the emotion of the scene and the underlying themes. The use of flashbacks to San Junipero adds emotional weight to the scene."

Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat sparse and the scene is largely focused on visual storytelling."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with a clear sense of emotion and a strong visual component. The use of Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth" as a motif throughout the scene is a nice touch that reinforces the theme of chasing after paradise.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. For example, the use of "indistinct" for Elder Kelly's dialogue is not entirely clear and could be more specific. Additionally, some descriptions could benefit from more sensory detail, such as the burning sunlight reflecting off the walls in scene 60.

There is also some ambiguity in the scene where Laura is confused by Kelly's comment about being ready for "the rest of it." While this confusion could be intentional, it could benefit from some clarification or added context.

Overall, the scene is emotionally impactful and visually engaging, but could benefit from minor revisions.

Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to flow well and provide a sense of closure for the story. However, here are some suggestions to enhance the scene:

- Add more emotional depth to Elder Kelly's scenes in the nursing home. It would be powerful to see her interact with other residents and staff, and to witness the toll that her illness is taking on her body and mind. This would make her final moments feel more impactful and earned.
- Consider incorporating more symbolism or visual cues to represent the transition to San Junipero. For example, we see Yorkie driving a car and Kelly lying in a hospital bed with nodules on her temples, but could there be other subtle hints or foreshadowing that build towards the reveal?
- Clarify the timeline a bit more clearly. Although there are hints to indicate when certain scenes take place (e.g. the cassette tape and the gravestone), it may be helpful to explicitly state how much time has passed between each scene. This would help the audience feel more invested in the characters and their journey.

Scene 21 - Heaven is a Place on Earth

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

72 INT. TUCKER'S - 1987 - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT 72

Kelly and Yorkie on the dance floor - in 1987 gear, but
Yorkie minus glasses, laughing, embracing.

BELINDA CARLISLE
They say in heaven, love comes
first.
We'll make heaven is a place on
Earth.

73 INT. TCKR SYSTEMS - SERVER ROOM - DAY 73

Extreme close up on a pair of flickering blue LEDs.

BELINDA CARLISLE
Ooh heaven is a place on Earth.

END.

Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Kelly and Yorkie have a wedding ceremony in San Junipero before Kelly passes away and enters the afterlife. The scene includes flashbacks to their time in San Junipero and ends with a shot of the server farm.

Strengths "The scene captures the bittersweet feeling of Kelly's passing away and entering the afterlife. The flashbacks to San Junipero add a layer of nostalgia and emotional depth."

Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat sparse, with the song lyrics providing most of the emotional resonance."

Critique As an AI language model, I am not an expert in screenwriting. However, I can provide some feedback.

The first scene appears to be a flashback to 1987 with Kelly and Yorkie on the dance floor. The use of "1987 gear" helps set the tone and the atmosphere for the scene. The song choice, Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth," helps to connect the moment with the overall theme of the episode.

However, as a standalone scene, it doesn't appear to add much to the episode's plot or character development. While it is nice to see Kelly and Yorkie together, the scene doesn't advance the story.

The second scene, in contrast, seems to be disconnected from the first. It appears to be a completely different scene taking place in a server room. The only connection seems to be the use of the same song.

Overall, while the individual scenes may be well-executed, as a unit, they don't appear to be cohesive or contribute much to the overall episode. A screenwriting expert may suggest that the scenes need to be more tightly woven together, either through thematic links or plot development.

Suggestions As a screenwriting AI, I suggest the following revisions:

1. Develop the character of Kelly and Yorkie a bit more, so the audience can connect with them emotionally. Add a backstory or create some conflict for them to overcome.

2. Create a more dynamic scene on the dance floor. Instead of just dancing and embracing, give them something to do or say that adds to their relationship.

3. Consider using a different song lyric for the scene in the server room, something that adds to the tension or excitement of the moment.

4. Consider adding a more visually interesting image to the final shot, rather than just focusing on the flickering blue LEDs. This will make the scene more memorable for the audience.