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Scene 1 -  The Escape
BREAKING BAD
by
Vince Gilligan



5/27/05




AMC
Sony Pictures Television
TEASER

EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY
Deep blue sky overhead. Fat, scuddy clouds. Below them,
black and white cows graze the rolling hills. This could be
one of those California "It's The Cheese" commercials.
Except those commercials don't normally focus on cow shit.
We do. TILT DOWN to a fat, round PATTY drying olive drab in
the sun. Flies buzz. Peaceful and quiet. until •••
ZOOOM! WHEELS plow right through the shit with a SPLAT.
NEW ANGLE - AN RV
Is speeding smack-dab through the pasture, no road in sight.
A bit out of place, to say the least. It's an old 70's era
Winnebago with chalky white paint and Bondo spots. A bumper
sticker for the Good Sam Club is stuck to the back.
The Winnebago galumphs across the landscape, scattering cows.
It catches a wheel and sprays a rooster tail of red dirt.

INT. WINNEBAGO - DAY
Inside, the DRIVER's knuckles cling white to the wheel. He's
got the pedal flat. Scared, breathing fast. His eyes bug
wide behind the faceplate of his gas mask.
Oh, by the way, he's wearing a GAS MASK. That, and white
jockey UNDERPANTS. Nothing else.
Buckled in the seat beside him lolls a clothed PASSENGER,
also wearing a gas mask. Blood streaks down from his ear,
blotting his T-shirt. He's passed out cold.
Behind them, the interior is a wreck. Beakers and buckets
and flasks -- some kind of ad-hoc CHEMICAL LAB -- spill their
noxious contents with every bump we hit. Yellow-brown liquid
washes up and down the floor. It foams in a scum around •••
••. Two DEAD BODIES. Two freshly deceased Mexican guys
tumble like rag dolls, bumping into each other.
Completing this picture is the blizzard of MONEY. A Von's
bag lies leaking twenties. Fifteen, twenty grand in cash
wafts around in the air or floats in the nasty brown soup.
CLOSE on the driver's eyes. He's panting like a steam
engine. His mask FOGS UP until finally he can't see.
2.




EXT. COW PASTURE - CONTINUOUS
The Winnebago comes roaring over a berm and down into a deep
gully. Too deep. BAM! The front bumper bottoms out,
burying itself. WAAAAAAHI The rear wheels spin air.
The engine cuts off. Silence again. The Winnie's door kicks
open and out stumbles underpants man. He yanks off his gas
mask, lets it drop.
He's forty years old. Receding hairline. A bit pasty.
He's not a guy who makes a living working with his hands.
He's not a guy we'd pay attention to if we passed him on the
street. But right now, at this moment, in this pasture?
Right now, we'd step the fuck out of his way.
Underpants man looks at the RV. End of the line for that.
He listens hard. Out of the silence, we hear .•• SIRENS.
They're faint, a few miles off -- but growing louder. Our
guy knows he's boned with a capital B. He HOLDS HIS BREATH
and leaps back inside the RV.

INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
A chrome 9mm is clutched in the hand of one of the dead
Mexicans. Underpants grabs it, tucks it in his waistband.
His unconscious passenger, still strapped in his seat, lets
out a groan. Underpants leans past him, yanks open the glove
box. He comes up with a WALLET and a tiny Sony CAMCORDER.

EXT. COW PASTURE - CONTINUOUS
Ducking outside, he starts breathing again. A short sleeve
DRESS SHIRT on a hanger dangles from the Winnebago's awning.
Underpants pulls it on. He finds a clip-on tie in the
pocket, snaps it to his collar. No trousers, unfortunately.
He licks his fingers, slicks his hair down with his hands.
He's looking almost pulled together now -- at least from the
waist-up. All the while, the sirens are getting LOUDER.
Underpants figures out how to turn on the camcorder. He
twists the little screen around so he can see himself in it.
Framing himself waist-up, he takes a moment to gather his
thoughts .•• then presses RECORD.
3.


UNDERPANTS MAN
My name is Walter Hartwell White.
I live at 308 Belmont Avenue,
Ontario, California 91764. I am of
sound mind. To all law enforcement
entities, this is not an admission
of guilt. I'm speaking now to my
family.
(swallows hard)
Skyler .•• you are ••• the love of my
life. I hope you know that.
Walter Junior. You're my big man.
I should have told you things, both
of you. I should have said things.
But I love you both so much. And
our unborn child. And I just want
you to know that these .•• things
you're going to learn about me in
the coming days. These things.
I just want you to know that •.•
no matter what it may look like •.•
I had all three of you in my heart.
The sirens are WAILING now, on top of us. WALTER WHITE, the
underpants man, turns off the camcorder. He carefully sets
it on a bare patch of ground by his feet. Next to it he sets
his wallet, lying open where it can be seen.
CLOSE ON the wallet -- a photo ID card is visible. Walt's
smiling face is on it. It identifies him as a teacher at
J.P. wynne High School, Ontario Unified School District.
Walt pulls the chrome pistol from the back of his waistband,
aiming it across the tall weeds. It glints hard in the sun.
Flashing red LIGHT BARS speed into view, skimming the tops of
the weeds. Heading straight for us.
Walt stands tall in his underpants, not flinching. Off him,
ready to shoot the first cop he sees •••

END TEASER
4.

ACT ONE

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
No president ever slept here. No millionaire ever visited.
This is a three-bedroom RANCHER in a modest neighborhood.
Weekend trips to Home Depot keep it looking tidy, but it'll
never make the cover of "Architectural Digest."
We're in Ontario, California -- the Inland Empire. LEGEND:
"ONE MONTH EARLIER."

INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dark and silent. SKYLER WHITE, late 30s, sleeps peacefully.
Beside her, her husband Walter is wide awake.
Walt reaches over and presses a button on his Sharper Image
alarm clock. It projects the time in glowing blue numbers on
the cottage cheese ceiling: 5:02 AM.
Walt lies motionless. Brain churning. He presses the button
again, staring straight up. 5:02 turns to 5:03.
Close enough. Walt rises without waking his wife. He exits.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT
We hear an o.s. SQUEAK-SQUEAK as we drift through this room.
We pass an empty crib, Pampers, a baby monitor still in its
box. There's going to be a new addition to the family.
We come upon the source of the SQUEAKING. It's Walt balanced
on a Lillian Vernon stair-stepper, just three easy payments
of $29.95. Walt plods up and down in the darkness like he's
marching to Bataan.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Walt sits down on the 7dge of the tub. We're watching his
face in the bathroom Mlrror. He masturbates. Judging by his
expression, he might as well be waiting in line at the DMV.
Walt double-takes, catching sight of himself. Distracted, he
examines the sallow bagginess under his eyes. He draws at
the loose skin under his chin.
Staring at himself long and hard, Walt loses his erection.
He gives up trying, pulls up his sweat pants.
5.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary In the opening scene of the TV show 'Breaking Bad', an RV speeds through a cow pasture, carrying two men in gas masks. The driver, Walter White, is wearing only white jockey underpants and is clearly terrified. Inside the RV, there is a chemical lab, dead bodies, and a large amount of money. As sirens approach, Walter records a video message to his family, expressing his love for them. He then sets up his wallet and a photo ID card, revealing his identity as a high school teacher. With the sirens getting closer, Walter prepares to confront the police.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes the tone, introduces the main character and his desperate situation, and creates intrigue and suspense."
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the scene's graphic content and violence disturbing."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the high stakes and tension of the series, introduces the main character and his desperate situation, and creates intrigue and curiosity about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high school chemistry teacher turning to a life of crime to secure his family's financial future is compelling and unique.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and sets up the main conflict and obstacles that the protagonist will face throughout the series.

Originality: 2

The level of originality in this scene is low. It depicts a familiar situation of a protagonist trying to escape from the police.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and intriguing, particularly Walter White, who undergoes a significant transformation throughout the series.

Character Changes: 8

Walter's character undergoes a significant change from a mild-mannered teacher to a desperate criminal.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the police who are approaching.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walter and the approaching police creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of escaping from the police.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the presence of dead bodies, a large amount of money, and the approaching police.

Story Forward: 9

The scene sets up the main conflict and establishes the premise of the series, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist wearing only underpants and a gas mask.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and sympathy for Walter's desperate situation and his love for his family.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the fear and desperation of the characters, as well as Walter's love for his family.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it starts with an action-packed teaser that grabs the audience's attention and creates suspense.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is fast-paced and intense, which contributes to its effectiveness in creating suspense and tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a teaser followed by Act One.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the premise of the show and establishes Walter's character as a desperate man with something to hide.
  • However, the dialogue in the scene feels a bit forced and unnatural, particularly in Walter's video message to his family.
  • The visual elements of the scene are strong, with the contrast between the peaceful cow pasture and the chaotic RV adding to the tension.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is tense and foreboding, with the sirens in the distance creating a sense of impending doom.
  • Overall, the scene is a strong opening to the series, but could benefit from some tightening of the dialogue and a clearer sense of the stakes involved.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking Walter's video message to make it feel more natural and less like a contrived plot device.
  • Think about ways to heighten the tension and stakes of the scene, perhaps by adding more obstacles for Walter to overcome or making the approaching police more immediate and threatening.
  • Consider using more visual storytelling to convey information about Walter's character and situation, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Think about ways to make the scene more memorable and impactful, perhaps by adding a twist or unexpected element that will stick with viewers.



Scene 2 -  Morning Routine
INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Walt is dressed for work -- Dockers and a short-sleeve dress
shirt courtesy of Target. An American flag pin on his tie.
He and Skyler eat their breakfast in silence.
Skyler glances up, sees Walt puzzling over his bacon.
SKYLER
Sizzle-Lean. We need to think
about our cholesterol.
WALT
Huh.
Skyler's cute in a way most guys wouldn't have noticed back
in high school. But not soft-cute. Not in the eyes.
She's dressed for staying home -- she's five months pregnant
and just beginning to show.
SKYLER
When'll you be home?
WALT
Same time.
SKYLER
I don't want him dicking you around
tonight. You get paid till six,
you work till six. Not seven.
Seventeen year-old WALTER, JR. enters the kitchen, dressed
for school, hair still damp from the shower. The CLICK •••
CLICK of his forearm crutches precedes him into the room.
Walt and Skyler's son is a sweet-faced teenager who appears
to have cerebral palsy. He moves slowly and awkwardly, and
grinds his teeth as he labors to talk. But he's a smart kid.
WALT
Hey.
Just seating himself at the table is a trial for Walter, Jr.
His parents don't give him the slightest help. They treat
him as if he were able-bodied, which is how he wants it.
SKYLER
You're late.
He shrugs. She gets up, serves him breakfast. Walter, Jr.
squints at the plate she plops down before him.
6.


WALTER, JR.
What's--that?
SKYLER
Sizzle-lean. We're watching our
cholesterol.
WALTER, JR.
Not--me! I want--bacon!
SKYLER
Eat it.
Walter, Jr. picks at his breakfast, annoyed.
WALTER, JR.
What's this--even--made of?!
He looks to his dad for backup. Walt shrugs, ambivalent.
WALT
Eat it.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
J.P. Wynne High School. Home of the Fightin' Skyhawks. Two
thousand-plus students, many of them in overflow trailers.
Into the faculty lot motors a 1991 Nissan wagon. It was a
piece of shit when it rolled off the assembly line, and has
not improved with age. It parks in a handicapped space.
A handicapped placard hangs from the rear-view.
Walt climbs out from behind the wheel, checks his watch.
He's late. Walter, Jr. struggles to get out of the passenger
side. He fumbles with his crutches and his backpack.
WALT
All set?
(off his son's nod)
Alright, see you at home.
Walt grabs his briefcase and hurries toward the building,
leaving his son to work it out for himself -- which is,
again, exactly how Walter, Jr. wants it.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY
Hours later. This is a chemistry classroom -- black-topped
lab tables with gas spigots. Walt is lecturing to seniors.
7.


WALT
Chemistry is the study of what?
STUDENT
(a beat)
Chemicals.
Snickers from the smart kids. Walt smiles.
WALT
Chemicals. No. Change. Chemistry
is the study of change.
(a beat)
Think about it. Electrons change
their orbits, molecules change
their bonds. Elements combine and
change into compounds. That's all
of life, right? The constant •••
(shrug)
The cycle. Solution, dissolution,
over and over.
Walt seems to be talking mostly to himself. A pep talk.
WALT
Growth, decay. Transformation.
It's fascinating, really.
Handsome, blonde CHAD sits slouched in the back with his hand
jammed in the lap of his cheerleader GIRLFRIEND. He whispers
to her and she giggles. Walt snaps out of it.
WALT
Chad, keep your hands to yourself
please. Is there something wrong
with your own table?
Chad sighs heavily and drags his stool back to an adjoining
table. Doing so, he makes as much NOISE as he can.
WALT
Alright, ionic bonds. Chapter six.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - FACULTY WORKROOM - DAY /




Last period. Wide on Walt in the background, who sits alone
in this deserted room. Head down, he grades tests while he
eats a sandwich from home. It's a lonesome tableau.
A physics teacher, MARGARET, enters. She's 30s, redhead,
attractive without being pretty. Sexy, more like.
8.



MARGARET
Heya, Walt.
WALT
Hey, Margaret.
Margaret feeds the soda machine a dollar. Walt stares at her
back a little too long. We feel his interest.
Margaret gets her Diet Coke and turns his way. Walt lowers
his eyes. Margaret joins him at the table, checks her watch.
WALT
Happy Birthday.
MARGARET
(surprised)
How'd you know?
Walt shrugs. Smiles. Margaret does, too.
MARGARET
Thanks.
She fumbles in her purse, comes up with a cigarette and
lighter. She notices Walt's surprised glance.
MARGARET
Be a champ, wouldja? Don't narc.
WALT
(amused by the word)
My lips are sealed.
Margaret lights up and sucks deep. Ohhh yeah. She blows
smoke toward the ceiling, gives it a wave with Walt's papers.
MARGARET
Walt, you are my hero.
Walt glances up at her once more. She catches him doing it,
smiles back and holds his look. He drops his eyes first.
WALT
Those things '11 kill you, you know.
Margaret shrugs, exhales.
MARGARET
Something always does.
9.



EXT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - AFTERNOON
This is one of those 60s Googie-style structures -- faded
space-age futuristic. young Mexicans dry the cars by hand.

INT. VELVET-TOUCH - OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Walt's afternoon part-time job. He works the cash register.
WALT
-- Eight, nine, ten, and ten makes
twenty. Thank you. Come again.
The CUSTOMER wanders off, re-counting his change. Walt
closes his drawer and busies himself with record keeping.
AMIR, the middle-aged Persian owner, argues on the phone.
AMIR
No. Not that is not what I
said. What I said to you --
Amir switches to FARSI. The conversation grows more heated.
Finally, he barks something and hangs up. He turns to Walt.
AMIR
My sister's worthless son -- piece
of shit! Shit! Fired for good
this time!
(sighs; shrugs)
I'll run the register.
WALT
Amir, no. We talked about this.
Inside only. And only till six.
AMIR
I'm short-handed, walter. What am
I to do? What am I to do?
Pissed, Walt unclips his tie, shoves it in his breast pocket.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene depicts Walter White's morning routine as he prepares for work and interacts with his family and colleagues. It showcases the strained dynamics within his family and hints at Walter's dissatisfaction with his life.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Effective establishment of tone and atmosphere
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low level of conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and atmosphere of the show, introduces important characters, and sets up potential conflicts and character arcs.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a high school chemistry teacher turning to a life of crime is intriguing and sets up the premise of the show.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene is focused on establishing the characters and their relationships, rather than advancing the main storyline.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. It portrays familiar situations and characters in a realistic manner without introducing any unique or fresh approaches.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and conflicts.

Character Changes: 5

There is a slight change in Walter's demeanor as he interacts with his family and colleagues, hinting at his dissatisfaction and potential for transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and control in his life, despite the challenges he faces. This reflects his deeper need for stability and his fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get to work on time and fulfill his responsibilities. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, such as his part-time job and his son's disability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between Walter and his son, but overall the scene is more focused on establishing the characters and their relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the protagonist facing challenges such as his son's disability and his part-time job.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it primarily focuses on the characters' daily routines and interactions.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides some insight into the characters and their relationships, but does not significantly advance the main storyline.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the audience to the characters and their everyday lives, creating a sense of curiosity and interest in their stories.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of tension and melancholy, but the emotional impact is not particularly strong.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and helps to establish the relationships and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces the audience to the characters and their everyday lives, creating a sense of curiosity and interest in their stories.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the passage of time and the characters' actions and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Walt and Skyler having breakfast, but their interaction is minimal and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship and dynamics further.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Skyler about cholesterol feels forced and unnatural. It could be improved by making it more organic and reflective of their characters.
  • The introduction of Walter Jr. and his disability is handled well, but there could be more emotional depth in how his parents interact with him.
  • The classroom scene lacks tension and conflict. It would be more engaging if there were some obstacles or challenges for Walt to overcome while teaching.
  • The interaction between Walt and Margaret in the faculty workroom is intriguing, but it could be developed further to create more tension and anticipation.
  • The car wash scene feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't contribute much to the overall story. Consider removing or reworking this part.
  • The argument between Walt and Amir at the end of the scene is abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and tension.
  • Overall, the emotional tone of the scene is relatively neutral. It would be beneficial to inject more emotion and conflict to make it more engaging for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Explore the relationship between Walt and Skyler further by adding more meaningful dialogue and interactions.
  • Revise the cholesterol conversation to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Add more emotional depth to the interactions between Walter Jr. and his parents to highlight their dynamics and challenges.
  • Introduce obstacles or challenges for Walt to overcome while teaching in the classroom scene to create tension and conflict.
  • Develop the interaction between Walt and Margaret in the faculty workroom to create more anticipation and intrigue.
  • Consider removing or reworking the car wash scene to ensure it contributes more to the overall story.
  • Build up the argument between Walt and Amir at the end of the scene to create more tension and resolution.
  • Inject more emotion and conflict throughout the scene to engage the audience and make it more impactful.



Scene 3 -  Walter's Struggle
EXT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - AFTERNOON
The sun's sinking low. walt -- master's degree, Inland
Empire Science Educator of the Year for '92, '95, and '01
is towel-drying cars alongside the teenage vatos. His slacks
and shoes are spotted with soapy water. He's grim.
Walt is at work on an anthracite BMW 3-Series. As he hunkers
down to Armor-All the tires, we hear:
10.


CHAD (O.S.)
Hey, you missed a spot.
Walt looks up to see handsome CHAD smirking down at him.
young master Chad is tickled pink. This is his Beemer, by
the way. Chad's girlfriend stands in b.g., giggling into her
cell phone. Whispering just loud enough to be heard.
GIRLFRIEND
(into phone)
Ohmigod. Oh -- my -- God. You are
not going to believe •••
She cups a hand over her mouth, turns away. Walt says
nothing. He needs this job. Off him, scrubbing harder •••

INT. NISSAN SENTRA - DRIVING - EVENING
The speedometer vibrates at 86. Walt is alone in the car,
speeding home. Tired and dirty. He's swallowed a lot of
anger today. It's way down deep, but it glows inside him.
The needle creeps up to 91. Things rattle and shake. Walt's
eyes fix on something ahead.
Walt's POV -- through the windshield, it's a straight shot
down the freeway. A mile ahead of us is a TRIPLE OVERPASS.
It's a graceful, swooping thing made of ribbons of white
concrete. It rises up out of the flatlands as we approach,
dwarfing everything for miles around.
Walt studies it. He lets off the gas a little.
Cars crawl the overpass, over and under each other. Endless
strings of white headlights, red taillights. This giant
structure routes them in every direction a person can travel.
Something about it distracts Walt. Occupies him.
Walt coasts underneath it all, staring up at it through his
sunroof. Once he's past it, he speeds up again. He eyes it
in his rearview mirror, then leaves it behind.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - EVENING
Walt's Sentra chugs into the driveway, parking behind a shiny
new VOLVO SUV. Staring at the Volvo, Walt is not happy.
WALT
Oh, shit.
11.



The front door of walt's house opens. Out steps a big,
barrel-chested man with a bourbon in one hand. This is HANK,
Walt's brother-in-law. Hank raises his glass hello. He taps
his watch and shakes his head -- you're late.

EXT. APPLEBEE'S - NIGHT
Deep suburbia. The shiny Volvo SUV is parked in foreground.

INT. APPLEBEE'S - NIGHT
Family night in this chain restaurant. Walt, Skyler and
Walter, Jr. sit in a corner booth with Hank and his wife
MARIE. Marie is Skyler's sister. We see the resemblance.
HANK
Amir, this guy's name is? Jesus.
Call Homeland Security.
MARIE
Hank •••
HANK
I'm serious. Call the FBI, see if
he's legal. Might not be. Ship
his ass back to Camel-Land.
Hank shoots a winning grin at his nephew. Walter, Jr. snorts
with delight as he chews a mouthful of hamburger.
SKYLER
(flat)
I don't know, Hank. Do they
actually have camels in Iran?
MARIE
No. Horses. Arabian stallions.
HANK
Arabian what? Jesus. Camels,
horses -:-;-towel-head is a
towel-head. You're missing my •••
(interrupts himself)
••• And they're not Arabian anyway,
they're Persian. But you're
missing my point here. This guy is
treating your husband like uh, you
know. Door mat. Here Walt is, got
a brain the size of Wisconsin and
he's shampooing dried cum outta
some teenager's back seat?
12.



WALT & SKYLER

HANK
(to Walter, Jr.)
Sorry. You didn't hear that.
(to Walt)
You say the word, I'll go talk to
this guy. I'll set him straight.
Walt gives a pained little smile, shakes his head.
HANK
You sure? Happy to do it.
WALT
No. Thank you. Let's, please,
let's change the subject.
Hank shrugs and drains his beer. He winks at Walter, Jr.,
who grins. The teenager worships his fire-pisser uncle.
Walt can't help but notice. Hank is everything Walt isn't:
bold, brash, confident.
Skyler sips her white wine. Marie stares at her.
MARIE
You're ~ it's okay to drink.
SKYLER
After the first trimester, yes.
It was even in "Newsweek."
MARIE
Well, I didn't see that.
Marie disapproves. prickly. Hank's eyes are on the bar TV.
HANK
Oh, hey! Turn it up!
Hank WHISTLES. The college-age BARTENDER glances at him,
confused. Hank hustles over and keys up the volume on the
nearest TV SET. They're all wired together. Everybody in
the restaurant, like it or not, has to listen to •••
The local news. HANK, the man himself, is being
interviewed on television. He's polished and official.
13.



HANK (ON TV)
-- At which point we apprehended
three individuals and placed them
in custody. I'm proud to say that
the outstanding professionalism
shown by my fellow agents of the
San Bernardino District Office
resulted in a substantial quantity
of methamphetamine being taken off
the street.
An on-screen graphic identifies him as "AGENT HENRY WELD,
D.E.A." The real-live Hank gives a smile and a nod, not just
to his family, but to everyone in the place. Such is the
force of his will that strangers APPLAUD him.
Walter, Jr. holds up a hand, which Hank high-fives.
WALTER, JR.
Damn. TV does--add ten pounds.
HANK
Ah hah-hah. Sit and spin.
Hank rubs the corner of his mouth with his middle finger,
flipping off Walter, Jr. They're like two teenagers.
Walt eats french fries and tries his best to tune everyone
out. Something on TV catches his eye.
It's the spoils of this drug bust. Laid out on a table are
bags and bags of crystal meth and several guns. But also .••
eight big SHOEBOXES full of CASH.
Walt chews his food, watches. Despite himself .•.
WALT
Hank? How much money is that?
HANK
Almost seven hundred thousand.
Pretty good haul.
The TV lingers on fat rolls of $20s rubber-banded together.
It's more currency than Walt has ever seen outside of a heist
movie. He's surprised.
WALT
That's got to be unusual, right?
That kind of cash?
14.



HANK
Mmm. Not the most we ever took.
(to the room)
There's no deficit of total morons
in the drug trade. And they can
make a ton of money, too. At least
until we catch 'em. But we
catch 'em eventually.
Hank flashes his great smile around the room. He notes
Walt's continued interest in the news report. Likes it.
HANK
Walt, just say the word and I'll
take you on a ride-along. You can
watch us knock down a meth lab.
(good-natured)
'Less that's too much excitement
for you.
Walt forces a pained grin and shrugs -- maybe someday.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The lights are off. It's late.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary This scene portrays Walter White's dissatisfaction with his life as he works at a car wash and interacts with his family. It also introduces his brother-in-law, Hank, who is a DEA agent. The scene highlights the strained dynamics within Walter's family and his desire for something more.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Walter's dissatisfaction
  • Introduction of compelling DEA agent character
  • Establishment of strained family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of standout dialogue or memorable lines

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the main character's dissatisfaction and sets up the conflict between his current life and his desire for something more. The introduction of the DEA agent adds tension and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high school teacher turning to the drug trade is unique and intriguing. It sets up a compelling premise for the series.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on establishing the main character's dissatisfaction and introducing the DEA agent. It sets up the conflict and raises questions about what Walter will do next.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene are well-developed and their dynamics are established effectively. Walter's dissatisfaction and Hank's confident personality are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 7

There is a moderate level of character change in this scene, particularly in Walter's growing dissatisfaction and desire for something more.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his job and suppress his anger. This reflects his deeper need for stability and financial security, as well as his fear of losing his job and not being able to provide for his family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to towel-dry cars and complete his work at the car wash. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the pressure to perform well and maintain his job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in this scene, primarily in the strained dynamics within Walter's family and his internal struggle.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are no major obstacles, the protagonist faces challenges in maintaining his job and dealing with the comments from his brother-in-law.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high in this scene, as Walter's dissatisfaction and involvement in the drug trade could have significant consequences for his family and future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the main character's dissatisfaction and introducing the DEA agent, setting up future conflicts and plot developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces elements that may lead to future conflicts and challenges for the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate level of emotional impact, primarily through the portrayal of Walter's dissatisfaction and the strained dynamics within his family.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in this scene effectively conveys the strained dynamics within Walter's family and establishes the personalities of the characters. However, there are no particularly memorable or standout lines.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflicts and establishes the protagonist's goals. The dialogue and character interactions create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and anticipation. The scene moves at a steady pace, allowing for the development of the protagonist's goals and the introduction of conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's goals, and sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Walt working at the car wash, but it is not clear why this scene is included in the overall story. It doesn't seem to directly connect to the previous scene or advance the main plot.
  • The interaction between Walt and Chad feels forced and lacks depth. It would be more interesting to explore their dynamic further or introduce a conflict between them.
  • The conversation at the restaurant lacks tension and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationships. It feels like filler dialogue that could be cut or replaced with more meaningful interactions.
  • The TV interview with Hank is a significant moment, but it is not given enough emphasis in the scene. It could be made more impactful by focusing on Walt's reaction to seeing Hank on TV and his growing curiosity about the drug bust.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene. It leaves the audience hanging and doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is flat and lacks intensity. There are missed opportunities to create tension or emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue.
  • The visual elements in the scene, such as the car wash and the TV showing the drug bust, could be highlighted more to enhance the storytelling and create a stronger visual impact.
  • The dialogue in the scene is mostly mundane and doesn't reveal much about the characters or advance the plot. It could benefit from more subtext and conflict to make it more engaging.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more conflict and stakes. It needs a clear purpose and a sense of urgency to keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.
  • Consider reworking the ending of the scene to provide a stronger resolution or cliffhanger that leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Consider connecting the car wash scene more directly to the previous scene by showing the aftermath of the RV chase or introducing a conflict related to the main plot.
  • Develop the interaction between Walt and Chad to create more tension or conflict. This could be done by having Chad challenge or undermine Walt in some way.
  • Revise the dialogue at the restaurant to make it more meaningful and revealing of the characters' relationships and motivations. Cut any unnecessary dialogue that doesn't contribute to the overall story.
  • Give more emphasis to Walt's reaction to seeing Hank on TV and his growing curiosity about the drug bust. Show his internal conflict and desire for a different life.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or transition at the end of the scene to create a sense of closure or anticipation for the next scene.
  • Infuse the scene with more emotional intensity by exploring the characters' desires, fears, and conflicts. Use subtext and non-verbal cues to convey deeper emotions.
  • Highlight the visual elements in the scene, such as the car wash and the TV showing the drug bust, to enhance the storytelling and create a stronger visual impact.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to include more subtext and conflict. Use dialogue to reveal character motivations, secrets, and hidden agendas.
  • Introduce more conflict and stakes in the scene to create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged. This could be done through the characters' interactions or by introducing a new obstacle or challenge.
  • Consider reworking the ending of the scene to provide a stronger resolution or cliffhanger that leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.



Scene 4 -  Walt's Dissatisfaction
INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Walt, dressed for bed in sweats and a t-shirt, checks himself
out in the bathroom mirror. He's not loving what he sees.
He pulls at the skin under his eyes. He COUGHS a little.
In the bedroom, Sky1er's in her nightgown, sitting at the
computer. She's following the final moments of an auction on
eBay. Walt pads into the room, sits down beside her.
WALT
Which one's this?
SKYLER
(eyes on the screen)
That faux-La1ique vase I picked up
at the flea market.
WALT
How's it doing?
SKYLER
I met my reserve and there's still
two minutes.
15.



Walt nods, sits watching. without taking her eyes off the
screen, Skyler reaches over and slips a hand into Walt's
sweatpants. Walt smirks, surprised.
WALT
What's up?
SKYLER
You tell me.
Skyler plays with him, out of sight below frame. A beat.
SKYLER
What are you doing tomorrow?
WALT
(shrug)
Actually, I was thinking about, urn.
Maybe drive to Cal tech.
SKYLER
You're not gonna mow?
WALT
Yeah, I'll mow. JPL's got an
exhibit of Mars rover photographs.
Supposed to be, the detail ••• just
really amazing. Really beautiful.
SKYLER
I just need you to mow at some
point. I'd do it myself, except it
always throws rocks at me. I think
it needs a new bag.
WALT
I will mow. First thing.
Skyler glances at walt's crotch. Good-naturedly:
SKYLER
What's going on down there?
Is he asleep?
WALT
I'm just ••. we gotta be careful of
the baby.
SKYLER
Don't worry about the baby. This
is for you. We're only doing you
tonight.
16.



Obscured by the computer, Skyler gives Walt a vigorous
handjob with one hand and works the mouse with the other.
SKYLER
Just relax. Just ••• close your
eyes and let it •••
Skyler glances again at her husband. Apparently, there's no
mighty oak sprung from whence the lowly acorn lies.
SKYLER
Just close your eyes.
walt does so, concentrating. Trying hard. Tugging away,
Skyler's attention drifts back to the computer. Completely.
SKYLER
That's it. That's ••• it.
There you go. Keep going. Keep
going. Keep it going. Keep •••
(reacting to the screen)
Yes! Fifty-six.
Walt's eyes open. The thrill is gone.

EXT. CALTECH CAMPUS - DAY
Old Pasadena. Wide greenbelts and dark magnolias. The sign
says "Jet Propulsion Laboratory." Einstein was a visiting
professor at Caltech, once upon a time. This place looks it.

INT. JPL - DAY
MARS fills frame, stark red rocks and red sand. We PAN OFF
this blow-up of Martian terrain -- we're in a hallway mounted
with two dozen such photos, big and striking.
Small in the distance stands Walt. He's not looking at any
of these photos. He's down an adjacent hallway, staring at
something else, instead.
CLOSER ANGLE - WALT
He's studying names engraved on an old plaque. It's a list
of grad students awarded a particular research grant.
Closer. "ORGANIC CHEMISTRY, 1988 -- Walter H. White."
Walt stares at his own name on the plaque. We can't read his
thoughts, but we can guess at them.
17.




EXT. CALTECH CAMPUS - COFFEE STAND - DAY
An outdoor snack bar. Walt sits alone. Around him, young
STUDENTS pore over textbooks or quietly type on laptops.
Walt sips his coffee and stares into space.
At the nearest table, a CHINESE GUY sits with two CHINESE
GIRLS. They're laughing and talking in CANTONESE. They keep
their voices low so their gossip might not be overheard --
but it's not like we have any idea what they're saying.
Walt takes another sip of coffee, carefully sets down the
cup. He looks at his hand for a long moment.
He notices his fingers are TREMBLING slightly. He makes a
fist, squeezes it tight. Opens it.
The Asian students are talking a mile-a-minute, the two girls
giggling. walt glances at them, looks back to his hand. He
presses it flat against the tabletop.
UP-ANGLE -- as seen through this GLASS TOP TABLE, Walt's
fingers stick to the surface. They pull loose with a slow,
gluey SLURP.
CLOSER on Walt. He rubs his mouth, sneaks his fingertips to
his carotid artery just under his ear. He's feeling his
pulse. The furtive whispering in CHINESE fills his head.
He's starting to breathe faster.
His cellphone RINGS. He glances at the readout screen.
"HOME," it says. Walt silences it, tucks the phone back in
his pocket.
Rapid-fire CHINESE is all we hear. Now it gets drowned out
by a sudden WHOOSH that makes Walt blink. It's the whoosh of
the nearby cappuccino machine. It's unnaturally loud, like a
jet engine. Walt's had enough. Time to go.
HIGH ANGLE - DOWN THROUGH THE TREES
Magnolia leaves sway in f.g. We're looking down at Walt,
tiny in the distance, as he rises to his feet. He makes it
three steps before he COLLAPSES, flipping an empty table.
Students look up, hesitate. The Chinese guy and a couple of
others rise to help. Off Walt, lying on his face •.•

END ACT ONE
18.


ACT TWO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary This scene depicts Walter White's dissatisfaction with his life as he interacts with his family and contemplates his past achievements. It showcases the strained dynamics within his family and hints at his desire for something more.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Walter's dissatisfaction
  • Intimate moment between Walter and Skyler
  • Insight into strained family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Walter's dissatisfaction and sets up the tension between him and his family. The intimate moment between Walter and Skyler adds depth to their relationship. However, the scene could benefit from more conflict and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Walter's dissatisfaction and desire for something more is well-executed. However, it could be further developed to create a stronger impact.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Walter's dissatisfaction and his contemplation of his past achievements. While it effectively sets up his character arc, it lacks significant plot developments.

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not offer any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic, but not particularly unique.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene provides insight into Walter's character and his strained relationship with his family. The introduction of Skyler and the mention of Hank add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While Walter's dissatisfaction is further established in the scene, there is limited character change. More significant character development could enhance the impact of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his wife and feel desired. It reflects his deeper need for validation and intimacy.

External Goal: 5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss his plans for the next day and reassure his wife that he will mow the lawn. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing as a couple.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with most of the tension stemming from Walter's internal struggles. More external conflict could enhance the scene.

Opposition: 3

The opposition in this scene is minimal. There are no major obstacles or conflicts that the protagonist needs to overcome.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on Walter's internal struggles and dissatisfaction. More high-stakes elements could increase the tension and engagement.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides some insight into Walter's character and sets up his dissatisfaction, but it does not significantly move the story forward. More plot developments would enhance the scene's impact.

Unpredictability: 4

This scene is not particularly unpredictable. The actions and dialogue follow a logical progression and do not contain any major surprises.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits some emotional response from the audience, particularly in relation to Walter's dissatisfaction. However, it could benefit from more intense emotional moments.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is natural and helps establish the dynamics between Walter and Skyler. However, it could benefit from more impactful and memorable lines.

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it focuses on the intimate interactions between the characters and their personal dynamics. The dialogue and actions create a sense of tension and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of intimacy and tension. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear conflict or tension, making it feel slow and unengaging.
  • The sexual activity between Walt and Skyler feels forced and out of place, adding nothing to the plot or character development.
  • The scene at Caltech feels disconnected from the rest of the story and does not contribute to the overall plot.
  • The physical and emotional distress experienced by Walt is not fully explained or developed, leaving the audience confused and disengaged.
  • The dialogue in this scene is mostly mundane and uninteresting, failing to capture the audience's attention.
  • The visual elements in this scene are also lacking, with no significant or memorable shots or actions.
  • Overall, this scene feels like filler and does not add much to the story or characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clear conflict or tension to this scene to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall story.
  • Reconsider the sexual activity between Walt and Skyler and either remove it or find a way to make it more relevant to the plot or character development.
  • Either remove the scene at Caltech or find a way to make it more relevant to the overall story.
  • Develop the physical and emotional distress experienced by Walt more fully to make it more engaging and understandable for the audience.
  • Add more interesting and memorable dialogue to this scene to capture the audience's attention.
  • Find ways to incorporate more significant visual elements or actions to make this scene more memorable and engaging.
  • Consider cutting this scene altogether if it does not contribute enough to the overall story or characters.



Scene 5 -  Walt's Diagnosis
INT. ER - EXAM ROOM - DAY
Walt is conscious, seems okay. He sits in a blue paper gown,
legs dangling off an exam table. He's alone, waiting.
Absently tapping the table. He's been here for hours.
Muffled RINGING. Walt reaches for his pants, fishes out his
cellphone. "HOME" is yet again displayed on the readout.
Walt considers, answers it.
WALT
Hey.
(a beat)
Yeah, sorry. I had it turned off.
I was, uh •••
(a beat)
Yeah, probably about an hour or so.
Amid the bustle out in the hall, two ER DOCTORS stand
conferring. They're looking at blood chemistry results
first one man studies them, then the other. When one of them
glances back our way, we realize they're talking about Walt.
Walt sees this. He can't hear what they're saying, but it
looks weighty. Walt is anxious. However, he doesn't let it
come through in his voice.
WALT
I'm at Caltech. I ran into an old
professor, we got to talking. I
should be home in about an hour.
Okay.
Walt clicks off. He looks again to the doctors in the hall.
One man nods to the other, walks off. The remaining doctor
puts on his bedside smile and enters Walt's room.
DOCTOR
Sorry for the wait. You can put
your clothes back on.
Walt climbs off the table, steps into his pants.
WALT
I've had it before. Low blood
sugar. Stood up too fast.
He's fishing. The doctor doesn't saying anything, just fills
out a form. Walt pulls on his shirt, buttons it.
19.



WALT
Guess I should've had breakfast
this morning.
DOCTOR
There's a specialist I'd like you
to see. His name is Dr. Belknap.
I should have his •.• card here
somewhere. Yes.
The doctor finds a business card, hands it to Walt. Walt
stands in his socks, staring at the card for a long beat.
WALT
Oncologist •••
DOCTOR
(forced breezy)
It's probably absolutely nothing.

INT. DR. BELKNAP'S OFFICE/EXAM AREA - DAY
Days later. A MONTAGE OF CLOSE-UPS: a blood pressure cuff
gets pumped with a WHOOSH-WHOOSH-WHOOSH; a stethoscope slides
here and there over bare skin; glands get palpated; blood is
drawn; eyes, ears, nose and throat are checked; more blood is
drawn; colorful MRIs pop up on a monitor; still more BLOOD is
drawn. END MONTAGE.
CUT TO -- Walt in his street clothes, sitting in a red
leather chair. He's staring almost directly into camera.
SILENCE. Up from it rises a faint sort of buzzy, shimmering
TINNITUS sound. It's the RINGING in Walt's ears. It gets
louder as we slowly CREEP IN on Walt's face. He's staring at
us blankly. He's staring at:
Walt's POV -- DOCTOR BELKNAP. Dr. Belknap is a balding man
in his late fifties. On a good day, he's maybe avuncular.
He's sitting behind his desk, looking right at us, talking in
slight SLOW-MOTION. We don't hear a single word he's saying.
We only hear the buzzy RINGING.
CLOSER POV -- we tilt down from Belknap's face, his moving
lips, to his doctor's coat. On the pristine white of his
lapel, there's a spot of yellow MUSTARD. We fixate on it.
Suddenly:
DR. BELKNAP
-- Mr. White? Are you listening?
20.


We've snapped out of it. The SOUND in the room is normal.
No more SLOW-MOTION. Walt looks up from the man's lapel.
WALT
Yeah.
DR. BELKNAP
Did you •• ? You understood what
I've said to you?
WALT
Yeah. Multiple myeloma. Stage 3.
(a beat)
Best-case scenario, with chemo,
I'll live another two years.
(off the man's gaze)
It's just, you've got mustard on
your ••• you've got mustard there.
Walt points. Belknap glances down at the spot on his lapel,
then back up at Walt. He has no idea what to say to that.
Off Walt, looking very matter-of-fact ••• disconcertingly so:

INT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - OFFICE - EVENING
Same clothes, same day -- Walt came to work straight from
getting his terrible news. He's on autopilot, standing
behind the cash register. The BUZZ is back in his head.
Amir is in the b.g., arguing on the phone in Farsi. The
sound is muted. We can barely hear him. We don't know what
he's yelling about anyway -- it's pointless, doesn't matter.
We're on Walt, who simply stares into space.
No customers. Walt suddenly jerks, like a tiny zap of
electricity goes through him. He steps out from behind the
counter and exits. Amir doesn't notice him leave.
As seen through the windows, Walt pads along like a zombie
and nearly gets run over by a car. The vatos all watch,
confused, as Walt climbs in his Nissan and drives away.

INT. NISSAN SENTRA - DRIVING - EVENING
Walt drives. Not speeding. No expression on his face.
His POV: it's a straight shot up the 10 Freeway. The
familiar TRIPLE OVERPASS looms ahead in the distance.
Walt stares at it like it's the monolith in "2001."
21.



EXT. OVERPASS - CONTINUOUS
An AERIAL VIEW, looking straight down at this vast and
complex concrete knot. Walt's tiny Nissan is an ant
trundling toward it. The car disappears from view
underneath, as if being swallowed.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING
A glass of white wine. Sky1er stands talking on the phone.
SKYLER
(into phone)
Absolutely. I sent it to you on
the third. It's number ••• wait a
minute, let me get my checkbook.
She cups a hand over the phone, does nothing. After a beat:
SKYLER
(into phone)
Here it is. It's check number
1148. So mY records show I paid
that, and I certainly don't feel
like we owe any late •••
(listens)
Alright. I guess then I'll check
with my bank and, I don't know, if
the post office lost it or
something .•• alright then. Let me
look into that. Thank you.
Walt enters, hearing the tail-end. Skyler hangs up.
SKYLER
You're home early.
Walt nods, finds a beer in the fridge. His fingers tremble a
little as he pries off the cap. Skyler doesn't notice --
she's sifting through a stack of bills.
Walt sits at the table. He drinks deep, rubs his mouth.
SKYLER
How was your day?
WALT
You know. Same.
22.


SKYLER
Don't tell me Amir's sending you
home at five now.
WALT
No, just. Today.
SKYLER
(studying a bill)
Did you use the MasterCard last
month? $15.88 at Staples?
WALT
Uh. We needed printer paper.
SKYLER
Walt, the MasterCard's the one we
don't use.
Walt nods, overwhelmed and hiding it. Skyler doesn't know
about his doctor's appointment. Even if Walt wants to tell
her, something stops him. He sips his beer, stares.
Loud MACHINE GUN FIRE startles them both. Skyler yells into
the living room.
SKYLER
DAMMIT, WALTER 1 TURN THAT DOWN 1
(more GUNFIRE)
Go talk to him.
Walt rises, sets his bottle in the sink.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Walter White receives a diagnosis of stage 3 multiple myeloma from his oncologist, Dr. Belknap. The scene explores Walter's initial shock and disbelief as he tries to process the news. It also highlights the strained dynamics between Walter and his wife, Skyler, as they have a brief conversation about their day. The scene ends with Walter leaving work early, seemingly lost in thought.
Strengths
  • Effective use of sound and visuals to create tension
  • Realistic dialogue that conveys important information
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of Skyler's emotional response
  • Could benefit from more internal reflection from Walter

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the shock and emotional turmoil experienced by Walter upon receiving his diagnosis. The use of sound and visuals adds to the tension and creates a sense of unease. The dialogue between Walter and Dr. Belknap is impactful and reveals important plot information. However, the scene could benefit from further exploration of Walter's internal thoughts and emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Walter receiving a life-changing diagnosis and the subsequent impact on his life and relationships is compelling. It introduces a major conflict and sets the stage for Walter's transformation throughout the series.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Walter receiving his diagnosis and the immediate aftermath. It effectively establishes the stakes and raises questions about how Walter will cope with his illness and what it means for his future.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are fairly typical for a medical examination scene, and there are no fresh approaches or unique elements that make it stand out.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Walter and Dr. Belknap, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic. However, there is room for further exploration of the emotional impact on Walter's wife, Skyler.

Character Changes: 7

Walter undergoes a significant character change in this scene as he receives his diagnosis and begins to grapple with his mortality. The news forces him to confront his dissatisfaction with his life and consider what he truly wants.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to remain calm and composed despite his anxiety about his test results. This reflects his deeper fear of receiving bad news and his desire to maintain control over his emotions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive his test results and understand his medical condition. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of potentially having a serious illness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Walter grapples with his diagnosis and the uncertainty it brings. There is also a subtle conflict between Walter and Skyler regarding their financial situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Walt faces the challenge of receiving potentially bad news about his health.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high as Walter receives a life-threatening diagnosis. His future, as well as the well-being of his family, hangs in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point and raising questions about how Walter will navigate his illness. It sets the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know the outcome of Walt's test results and how he will react to the news.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through the use of sound and visuals to convey Walter's shock and disbelief. The revelation of the diagnosis is a pivotal moment that elicits empathy for the character.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is realistic and serves to convey important information about Walter's diagnosis. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be more emotionally charged and reflective of the characters' internal struggles.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of anticipation and suspense through the protagonist's internal thoughts and the doctor's ambiguous responses.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and anticipation through the use of concise dialogue and minimal narrative description.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Walt in the ER, waiting for his test results. However, the scene lacks tension and urgency. It would be more effective to show Walt's anxiety and fear through his actions and dialogue.
  • The phone call from home adds an interesting element to the scene, but it is not fully explored. It would be beneficial to delve deeper into Walt's lies and the reasons behind them.
  • The interaction between Walt and the doctor is somewhat flat. The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity. It would be helpful to add more depth to their conversation and explore Walt's emotional state.
  • The fixation on the spot of mustard on Dr. Belknap's lapel is an intriguing detail, but it is not fully utilized. It would be more impactful to explore the significance of this fixation and how it reflects Walt's state of mind.
  • The transition to the car wash scene feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be beneficial to add a smoother transition or bridge between the two scenes.
  • The scene at the car wash lacks clarity and purpose. It is unclear why Walt is distracted and leaves abruptly. It would be helpful to provide more context and motivation for his actions.
  • The overpass scene has potential for visual symbolism, but it is not fully realized. It would be beneficial to explore the significance of the overpass and how it reflects Walt's internal struggle.
  • The conversation between Walt and Skyler at home is tense, but it lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be helpful to delve deeper into their conflicting emotions and the impact of Walt's diagnosis on their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and urgency to the scene in the ER to reflect Walt's anxiety and fear.
  • Explore the reasons behind Walt's lies to his family and delve deeper into the consequences of his actions.
  • Develop the dialogue between Walt and the doctor to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Further explore the significance of the fixation on the spot of mustard on Dr. Belknap's lapel and how it reflects Walt's state of mind.
  • Improve the transition between the ER scene and the car wash scene to create a smoother flow.
  • Provide more context and motivation for Walt's distracted behavior at the car wash.
  • Fully realize the visual symbolism of the overpass scene and its connection to Walt's internal struggle.
  • Delve deeper into the conflicting emotions and the impact of Walt's diagnosis on his relationship with Skyler in the final scene.



Scene 6 -  The Awakening
INT. WHITE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The end of "Scarface" plays on the TV. TONY MONTANA, with
his mountain of cocaine and his M-16, takes on all comers.
Walter, Jr. is sprawled on the couch, watching. His crutches
are leaned against the armrest.
WALTER, JR.
Hey.
WALT
Hey.
(watches TV, remembers)
Your Mom wants you to turn it down.
WALTER, JR.
Shit, come--on. This is--the best--
Wait, wait •••
23.



TONY MONTANA (ON TV)
COME AN' MEET MY LEETLE FRIEND!
WALTER, JR.
Oh--damnl Hell, yeahl
Walter, Jr. awkwardly pumps his fist. Walt keeps watching.
WALT
DVD?
WALTER, JR.
(nods)
Uncle Hank--gave--it to me.
Walt's eyes stay on the screen. The garish little kingpin
mows down acres of Columbians, then dies in a blaze of glory.
Off Walt, whose thoughts are unknown to us •••

INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Glowing blue numbers project on the cottage cheese ceiling:
4:26 AM. Walt lies awake beside his sleeping wife.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT
SQUEAK-SQUEAK, SQUEAK-SQUEAK. Walt thumps up and down on his
cheapie stair-stepper. He speeds up -- faster than the last
time. Thump, thump, thump. As seen through the bars of the
empty crib, he's really working it hard.
Sweat beads on his face. Bam, bam, bam. Faster, faster.
Harder. Violent. Sweat drips off his nose. until--
-- CRACK. He BREAKS the stair-stepper. One footpad snaps
free, hangs limp. Walt steps off and examines it.
He stares down at it for the longest time. We CREEP IN on
his face. The thousand-yard stare he's had since Doctor
Belknap's office gives way to something else now.
WALT
Two years.
He says it barely audibly. It's like the clouds have parted.
The situation has finally, truly registered in Walt's brain.
24.



EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAWN
Early morning. A faint glow in the sky. Silence except for
the THWACK ••• THWACK of the NEWSPAPER GUY driving past.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAWN
walt sits alone at the kitchen table, staring into space.
Deep in thought. Considering something carefully. He rises,
picks up the phone and dials. Keeps his voice low.
WALT
Hank? Hey, it's Walt. I didn't
wake you, did I?
(a beat)
Good. Listen, I've been thinking.
Could I take you up on your offer?
The ride-along?
CUT TO:

EXT. BLUE-COLLAR NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING
A different morning -- these things take time to set up.
We're in a neighborhood not unlike Walt's. A non-descript
Ford is parked at the curb, blended in with the other cars.
HANK (O.S.)
It's down there on the cul-de-sac.
White? Kinda redwood-looking trim?

INT. FORD - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Hank sits behind the wheel. A subordinate agent, GOMEZ, is
beside him. Hank is pointing out the TARGET HOUSE to Walt,
who sits in the back seat in an ill-fitting bulletproof vest.
HANK
See it?
WALT
Yeah.
Tiny house, a block down the street. Not at all noteworthy.
WALT
(quiet interest)
That's a meth lab.
25.



HANK
So says our snitch. Says some dude
who goes by "Cap' n Cook" lives up
to his name in there. Got himself
a three pound flask and keeps it
bubbling day and night. Says he
always adds a dash of chili powder.
(to Gomez)
Ah, you exuberant Mexicans.
GOMEZ
Uh-uh. "Cap'n Cook?" that's a
white boy's name. Dopey as hell.
HANK
Yeah? I got twenty bucks says he's
a beaner.
GOMEZ
You're on.
A yellow SCHOOL BUS chugs into frame, driving past.
HANK
Ah, here we go. Finally.
(into his radio)
School bus is clear. You got the
green light.
An affirmation comes back. Hank starts his engine.
HANK
(smiling, to Walt)
watch this. This makes 'em shit.
Out of the distance, we hear a BIG ENGINE REVVING, speeding
our way. A TRUCK roars past, heading for the cul-de-sac.
Hank slowly follows it in his Ford -- just so Walt can see.
Hank hums Ride Of The Valkyries, channeling "Apocalypse Now."
Walt's POV: as seen through the windshield, the lead truck
goes speeding into the target house's driveway. An ENTRY
TEAM of six agents jumps out, looking like they just came
from the set of a sci-fi movie -- they're covered head-to-toe
in CHEMICAL SUITS and RESPIRATOR GEAR. They carry carbines
and shotguns. One man lugs a battering ram.
HANK
Meth labs are nasty on a good day --
but when you mix that stuff wrong,
you wind up with mustard gas.
26.


WALT
Phosgene gas, I think.
HANK
Yeah, exactly. One whiff'll kill
you. That's why the moon suits.
Walt nods, watches the entry team take position at the door.

INT. TARGET HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
To call this a shithole would be an insult to shitholes
everywhere. There's filthy clothes, overflowing garbage,
rotting pizza boxes dating to the Clinton administration •••
along with stacked cannisters of plumber's lye and Coleman
stove fuel. A rambling, Rube Goldberg lab of hoses and
buckets stands out against the knotty pine panelling.
A Mexican man, EMILIO, sits at the kitchen table, listening
to headphones -- oblivious to the o.s. BANGING at the door.
He's got an enormous mound of RED POWDER in front of him, and
an even bigger pile of MATCHBOOKS on the floor.
He scrapes off the striker strips and collects the powder.
This is a source of red phosphorus for meth production.
BOOOM! The front door busts open. Feds pour in, pointing
guns and breathing through their masks like Darth Vader.
Emilio nearly pisses himself. He starts to run for it, but
doesn't get far. The agents hold him down, cuff him.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White's dissatisfaction with his life intensifies as he contemplates his past achievements and receives a diagnosis of stage 3 multiple myeloma. He reaches out to his brother-in-law, Hank, and agrees to go on a ride-along with him. The scene culminates in a raid on a meth lab, highlighting the dangerous world Walter is about to enter.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of character dissatisfaction
  • Tense and dramatic moments
  • Introduction of major conflicts and stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes Walter's dissatisfaction and sets up the major conflicts and stakes for the rest of the story. The tension and dramatic elements are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high school chemistry teacher turning to a life of crime to secure his family's financial future is intriguing and unique. The introduction of Walter's diagnosis adds an additional layer of complexity to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with Walter making a decision to enter the criminal world and setting up the conflict between him and his brother-in-law. The raid on the meth lab adds excitement and raises the stakes.

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is low. It follows a familiar setup of a protagonist joining law enforcement to investigate criminal activity. The characters' actions and dialogue are not particularly unique or fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are established effectively. Walter's transformation and his strained relationship with his family are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 9

Walter undergoes a significant character change in this scene, as he decides to enter the criminal world and take control of his life. This sets up his transformation throughout the rest of the story.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not clearly stated or evident.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to join a ride-along with Hank to investigate a meth lab.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walter's desire for change and his current circumstances is evident throughout the scene. The raid on the meth lab adds a physical and dangerous conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of investigating a dangerous meth lab.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Walter's decision to enter the criminal world puts him in danger and jeopardizes his relationships with his family. The raid on the meth lab adds a sense of urgency and risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Walter's dissatisfaction, introducing the criminal world, and setting up the conflicts and stakes for the rest of the story.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a new plot development with the protagonist joining a ride-along, but the overall outcome is still somewhat expected.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from Walter's initial shock and disbelief to his determination to take control of his life. The audience is invested in his journey and the potential consequences of his choices.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and emotions. The banter between Hank and Gomez adds humor and lightens the tension.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new and potentially dangerous situation for the protagonist, creating suspense and curiosity for the audience.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation through the use of concise and action-oriented writing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Walt and Walter Jr. watching 'Scarface' on TV, which sets up Walt's fascination with power and violence. However, the connection between this scene and the previous ones is not clear. It would be helpful to establish a stronger link between Walt's interest in the movie and his subsequent actions.
  • The transition from the living room to the bedroom feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be beneficial to have a smoother transition or a clearer indication of the passage of time.
  • The scene in the spare bedroom, where Walt exercises on the stair-stepper, is visually intense and conveys Walt's frustration and desperation. However, the significance of this moment could be further emphasized through stronger visual cues or internal dialogue from Walt.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Walter Jr. is minimal and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship further and add more meaningful conversation between them.
  • The phone call between Walt and Hank is brief and lacks emotional depth. It would be helpful to delve deeper into their conversation and explore Walt's motivations for wanting to go on a ride-along.
  • The scene ends with Walt making the decision to call Hank and express interest in the ride-along. However, the resolution of this conflict is not clear, as it is uncertain how Hank responds to Walt's request. It would be beneficial to provide a clearer resolution or indication of the next steps in their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Establish a stronger connection between Walt's interest in 'Scarface' and his subsequent actions. This could be done through visual cues, internal dialogue, or a conversation between Walt and Walter Jr.
  • Improve the transition from the living room to the bedroom by either providing a smoother transition or indicating the passage of time.
  • Enhance the significance of Walt's moment of realization in the spare bedroom through stronger visual cues or internal dialogue.
  • Develop the dialogue between Walt and Walter Jr. to deepen their relationship and add more meaningful conversation.
  • Expand the phone call between Walt and Hank to explore Walt's motivations and add emotional depth to their interaction.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or indication of the next steps in Walt and Hank's interaction at the end of the scene.



Scene 7 -  The Unexpected Encounter
EXT. TARGET HOUSE - MORNING
Hank, Gomez and Walt wait in the Ford. The RADIO crackles.
AGENT (RADIO V.O.)
House is clear. We've got one
suspect in custody.
HANK
Copy that. The suspect ••• might he
be of the Latin persuasion?
AGENT (RADIO V.O.)
Si, Senor.
Hank triumphantly puts a hand out. Gomez grumbles and pays
him his twenty.
27.


HANK
Cheer up. You people still got
J. Lo.
(grins at Walt)
How you doing back there, buddy?
This sure as hell beats spending
your day clapping erasers, huh?
Walt smiles, acts agreeable. Hank turns to Gomez.
HANK
I made the mistake of watching
"Jeopardy" with this dude one time.
He is a stud, Gomez. He's a
brainiac. BEEP! "What is E equals
MC squared, Alex?" BEEP! "What
is, like, freaking .•• Shakespeare?
Hamlet?" I'm telling you Walt, you
shoulda gone on that show. You'da
cleaned up.
GOMEZ
Right on, man.
HANK
(to Gomez)
Shit, you don't know the half of
it. Two big companies wanted him
while he was still in college.
He coulda written his own ticket.
Hank looks to Walt for confirmation. Walt stares out the
window, barely shrugs -- and changes the subject.
WALT
Hank? Do you think I might get to
go inside? See the lab?
HANK
Yeah, tell you what -- we're gonna
go peek our heads in, check it out.
Stay here a minute.
Hank and Gomez exit the car, leaving Walt behind.
Walt's pleasant demeanor fades. Spending time with Hank is
hard for him. While feds in moon suits come and go across
the lawn, Walt's attention drifts to the HOUSE NEXT DOOR.
He double-takes, noticing a high WINDOW get raised. It's out
of sight of the D.E.A. agents. Only Walt can see as •••
28 •


••• A DUDE dressed only in underpants backs out the window.
He dangles for a moment, then drops eight feet to the grass.
This guy is white, gawky, early 20s -- picture a hip Shaggy
from "Scooby Doo." His sneakers come tumbling from the
window, nearly hitting him in the head. Above him, a naked
HOUSEWIFE leans out, boobs dangling, frantically tossing him
his jeans, his socks, his Cypress Hill T-shirt.
The kid dresses at mach speed, peeks around the corner of the
house. He's desperate not to be seen by the feds.
Walt watches, jaw slackening. He can't believe his eyes.
He recognizes this kid. He knows him.
WALT
(to himself)
God. Dupree .. ?
It's like a psychic connection -- at this moment, the kid,
MARION ALAN DUPREE, feels eyes on him. He turns and looks,
even more shocked to see Walt than Walt is to see him.
Staring at walt, Dupree swallows hard, puts a finger to his
lips -- shhh. Keeping one eye on the D.E.A., he hurries to
an old Daytona parked on the curb.
As it creeps away, Walt notes the license plate: "THE CAPN."
Nobody sees any of this but Walt. He climbs out of the back
of the Ford, watching Dupree go. He still can't believe it.
Hank surprises him, having walked up behind him carrying a
shoebox in a big evidence bag. It's stuffed full of CASH.
HANK
Hey, check it out, walt -- these
assholes like their shoeboxes
better'n Bank Of America.
Walt stares at all that beautiful green, turns and glances
back down the street. The Daytona is gone.
HANK
Whatcha looking at?
WALT
(a beat)
Nothing.
HANK
Wanna come meet a bad guy?
29.


Walt nods, follows him to the house. He's not going to tell
Hank what he knows.

EXT. BUNGALOW STREET - NIGHT
We're in an old neighborhood of Sears-Roebuck cottages up in
the foothills. One particular bungalow is shabbier than the
rest. Its paint peels off like sunburned skin.

EXT. BUNGALOW - BACK YARD - NIGHT
"THE CAPN" license plate gets covered -- Dupree is out here
in the darkness, hurriedly draping his Daytona with a tarp.
He's antsy as hell. Hearing FOOTSTEPS, he grabs a tire iron,
crouches behind the car. The FOOTSTEPS slow, stop.
WALT (0. S. )
It's me. I'm alone.
Walt appears out of the blackness. Dupree slowly rises.
After a wary beat:
DUPREE
How'd you find me?
WALT
You're still in our filing system.
Your aunt owns this place, right?
DUPREE
I own it.
Walt nods. Whatever. He glances at the tarp.
WALT
Nobody's looking for you.
DUPREE
what do you want?
WALT
I was curious.
(a beat; shrug)
Honestly, I never expected you to
amount to much. Methamphetamine,
though. I didn't picture that.
(off the silence)
Lotta money in it, huh?
30.



Dupree peers into the darkness beyond Walt, wonders who else
is out there. His hand tightens around the tire iron.
DUPREE
I don't know what you're talking
about.
WALT
No?
DUPREE
No freakin' clue.
WALT
Huh. Cap'n Cook? That's not you?
(off his head shake)
Like I said, no one's looking for
you. I didn't tell anyone.
Dupree grows more agitated. His voice stays low.
DUPREE
I don't know what you think you're
doing here, Mr. White. If you're
planning on giving me some bullshit
about getting right with Jesus or
something, turning myself in --
WALT
No. Not really.
DUPREE
You ain't "Welcome Back, Kotter,"
so step off. No speeches.
Dupree points the tire iron for emphasis. Walt should leave,
but he doesn't. Instead •••
WALT
Short speech. You lost your
partner today. What's-his-name,
Emilio? Emilio's going to prison.
The D.E.A. took your money, your
lab. You got nothing. Square one.
But you know the business, and I
know the chemistry. I'm thinking.
Maybe you and I ••• partner up.
Long, pregnant silence. Dupree can't believe his ears.
31.



DUPREE
You -- wanna cook crystal meth.
(off Walt's nod)
You. You and me.
Walt means it. Dupree breaks into a crooked, spreading grin.
Before he can laugh out loud
WALT
Either that, or I turn you in.
Dupree's smile fades. Off Walt, serious as a heart attack •••

END ACT TWO
32.


ACT THREE
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White, dissatisfied with his life, goes on a ride-along with his brother-in-law, Hank, a DEA agent. During the raid on a meth lab, Walter spots a familiar face, Marion Alan Dupree, who is involved in the drug business. Walter confronts Dupree and proposes a partnership in cooking crystal meth. Dupree is initially surprised but eventually agrees. The scene ends with the two characters discussing their potential collaboration.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Tension between characters
  • Unexpected encounter
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the dissatisfaction of the protagonist and introduces a new plot development that adds intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Walter entering the drug business is compelling and sets up the main conflict of the series.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with the introduction of the partnership between Walter and Dupree, adding complexity to the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of Walt encountering Dupree and proposing a partnership is unique, the overall plot and character dynamics follow familiar tropes of the crime genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Walter and Dupree are intriguing and their interaction adds depth to their motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Walter's decision to propose a partnership with Dupree shows a change in his character as he becomes more willing to enter the drug business.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Walt's internal goal is to maintain his secret identity as a meth cook and avoid suspicion from Hank and the DEA.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the lab and potentially partner up with Dupree to continue cooking meth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Walter and Dupree arises from their opposing positions in the drug business.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict or obstacle, there is tension between Walt and Dupree, as well as the potential risk of Walt turning Dupree in to the authorities.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Walter considers entering the dangerous world of drug trafficking.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plot development and potential partnership.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new character and presents a surprising proposition from Walt. The audience does not know how Dupree will react or what their partnership might entail.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of shock and curiosity through the unexpected encounter between Walter and Dupree.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and curiosity between Walter and Dupree.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, Dupree, and presents a potential turning point in the plot with the proposition of a partnership. The dialogue and banter between the characters also add to the engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and contribute to the overall rhythm of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses the plot.


Critique null
Suggestions null



Scene 8 -  Walter's Diagnosis
INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Brown shipping tape gets pulled off its roll with a SKRRECK!
skyler seals a cardboard box, readies it for the post office.
The kitchen table is stacked with bubble wrap and boxes.
Marie helps pack. She holds up an item.
MARIE
What the hell is this?
SKYLER
Damned if I know. I described it
as a "mid-century objet d'art."
MARIE
And somebody bought it?
SKYLER
Some guy in Minneapolis. Fourteen
dollars plus shipping and I got
it at a yard sale for eighty cents.
God, I love eBay.
Marie shakes her head, bubble-wraps the objet.
MARIE
At this rate, in fifty or sixty
years you'll be rich.
That's the dynamic -- Marie is constantly yitzing her older
sister. Sometimes, she's not even aware she's doing it.
She's just naturally negative. And competitive.
MARIE
What's up with Walt lately?
SKYLER
He's fine. What do you mean?
MARIE
He just seems ••• I don't know.
Quieter than usual.
Skyler thinks about it, shrugs.
SKYLER
Turning forty was a big deal. I
know I'm not looking forward to it.
(smirk)
You -- are gonna be a basket-case.
33.



MARIE
SO, it's a mid-life crisis.
SKYLER
NQ. He's just. Quiet.
MARIE
(a beat)
How's the sex?
SKYLER
Marie! Jesus.
Marie holds up her hands. Whatever. Irked, Skyler runs her
tape gun over the top of a box -- SKKKRRRECK. A beat or two.
MARIE
(mumbles)
Guess that answers that.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
Walt's chern lab is empty -- school has ended for the day.
Hurrying around, Walt peers in cabinets high and low, pulls
out FLASKS, BEAKERS, TUBING, STANDS and BURNERS. He gathers
all this up, loads it in a cardboard box.
He pauses, hit by a brief fit of COUGHING. He recovers,
sniffs and feels his chest with his fingertips. Margaret the
physics teacher sticks her head in the door behind him.
MARGARET
Hey, you're still here.
WALT
Oh, hey.
MARGARET
I missed lunch -- I was thinking of
swinging by T.G.I. Fridays. I
could use a drink. How 'bout you?
Walt clearly would like to join her, and she knows it.
WALT
Shoot, I can't. My other job.
MARGARET
Okay. Some other time.
(notices the box)
Whatcha doing?
34.



WALT
Oh. Inventory. Not a week goes by
my kids don't break two or three
pieces of glassware.
Margaret considers. Does she believe him? We don't know.
But then she winks at him, leaves. Walt glances at his box
full of school property. Shit, that was close. He carries
it to the door, pauses to peek out. No witnesses.
Walt flicks off the classroom lights with his back, then
humps the heavy box down the hall and out of the building.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White receives a diagnosis of stage 3 multiple myeloma and contemplates his life. He interacts with his family and experiences strained dynamics. He leaves work early, seemingly lost in thought.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Walter's emotional state
  • Establishment of strained dynamics within the family
  • Foreshadowing of future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of standout dialogue moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Walter's emotional state and sets up future conflicts and plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Walter receiving a life-changing diagnosis and contemplating his choices is compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Walter receives his diagnosis and contemplates his life, setting up future events.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of packing and shipping items for sale is familiar, the specific details and dialogue add a fresh and authentic touch. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their dynamics are established, but there is room for further development.

Character Changes: 7

Walter experiences a significant change in his perspective and priorities due to his diagnosis.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully pack and ship the items being sold on eBay. This reflects their desire to make money and potentially improve their financial situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught stealing school property. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the potential consequences they could face if caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is some conflict between characters, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces the potential opposition of getting caught stealing school property, but the outcome is uncertain.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with Walter's diagnosis and his potential entry into the dangerous world of meth production.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing Walter's diagnosis and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces the potential conflict of the protagonist stealing school property, which adds a layer of uncertainty to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through Walter's shock and contemplation of his life.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the strained dynamics between characters, but lacks standout moments.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable and humorous dialogue, as well as a sense of tension and potential conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the reader's interest and moving the story forward. The actions and dialogue flow smoothly and create a sense of rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus. The two separate locations and storylines don't seem to connect in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue between Skyler and Marie feels forced and doesn't add much to the overall story.
  • Walt's coughing seems like a throwaway detail and doesn't have any significance in this scene.
  • The interaction between Walt and Margaret feels contrived and doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene lacks any significant conflict or tension.
  • The scene ends abruptly and doesn't leave the viewer with any sense of resolution or purpose.
Suggestions
  • Consider consolidating the two separate storylines into one scene to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Re-write the dialogue between Skyler and Marie to make it more meaningful and relevant to the story.
  • Give Walt's coughing more significance in this scene, perhaps by having him worry about his health or showing how it affects his work.
  • Develop the interaction between Walt and Margaret to make it more meaningful and relevant to the story.
  • Introduce some conflict or tension into the scene to make it more engaging for the viewer.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and resolution to make it feel more satisfying for the viewer.



Scene 9 -  Entering the Dangerous World
EXT. BUNGALOW - AFTERNOON
Dupree sits on his front porch, drinking a long-neck beer and
glowering. Walt's Nissan putters into view, reverses and
backs into Dupree's driveway. Walt climbs out, jazzed.
WALT
Look what I got.
Walt opens his hatchback. Dupree doesn't budge. Walt stares
at him -- a teacher staring at a recalcitrant student --
until Dupree slouches down the steps.
WALT
Quit my part-time job -- I've got
four hours to devote to this every
afternoon. And •••
Walt lifts a blanket, revealing his CARGO. Lots of goodies.
Dupree peers at the stolen lab gear, pulls something out.
WALT
Ah. Kjeldahl-style recovery flask,
2000 milliliters. Very nice. You
got your Griffin beakers, you got
your volumetric. But check this
out -- the piece de resistance.
Round bottom boiling flask, 5000
milliliters.
Big. Dupree wipes his nose with his sleeve, refusing to be
impressed. He points to something else instead.
DUPREE
I cook in one of those. A big one.
WALT
This? This is an Erlenmeyer flask.
You wouldn't cook in one of these.
35.



DUPREE
Yeah. I do.
WALT
No, you don't. An Erlenmeyer flask
is for general mixing and
titration. You do not apply heat
to an Erlenmeyer flask. That's
what the boiling flask is for.
Did you not learn anything in my
chemistry class?
DUPREE
No. You flunked me, remember?
Prick? And let me tell you
something else -- this shit ain't
chemistry. This shit is art.
Cooking is art. The shit I cook is
the bomb, so don't be telling ~!
WALT
The shit you cook is shit.
I saw your setup. Ridiculous.
(firm)
You and I will not make garbage.
We will produce a chemically pure
and stable product that performs as
advertised. No adulterants.
No baby formula. No chili powder.
DUPREE
Chili P's my signature!
Walt shakes his head -- not anymore.
DUPREE
Yeah, well we'll see about that.
The hell's all this?
He pulls out heavy LAB APRONS, GLOVES, RESPIRATORS. These
are the respirators we saw Walt and Dupree wearing in the
Teaser (Dupree was Walt's unconscious PASSENGER, by the way).
WALT
Lab safety. We're also gonna have
an emergency eye wash station.
These chemicals and their fumes are
toxic or didn't you know that?
Dupree holds up an apron, snorts.
36.



DUPREE
Hey, you can dress up like a faggot
if you want. Not me.
Walt glares at him, losing patience. Dupree roots through
the piles of RAW SUPPLIES walt has brought along.
DUPREE
Stove fuel ••• not enoug~ of it.
Lye. You got the gener1c crap.
Red Devil's better. Iodine,
matches ••• also not my brand.
W~T
Somehow, we'll manage.
(points)
Sinus tablets. That should be
enough pseudoephedrine to produce
the first pound. Then I'm thinking
we can switch to a proper phenyl-2-
propanone method.
Dupree's not listening. Instead, he's noticed something
about Walt's shopping bags. They're all the SAME.
DUPREE
Wait. Tell me you didn't buy all
this from one single goddamn store.
W~T
Why?
DUPREE
Jesus! They know what you're doing
with this! Any goddamn retard they
got workin' a register's gonna know
you're making crystal! You're
probably on some list now!
(as if to a child)
You buy -- your supplies
piecemeal. One store at a time,
one item at a time.
Walt looks worried now. Chastened.
W~T
It was way over in West Covina.
I paid cash. Nobody seemed to •••
Dupree considers Walt. Studies him like he's from Mars.
37.


DUPREE
Acting like some skippy little
bitch. Like this is fun and games.
This shit is shit you take --
serious.
walt suppresses his anger, stares at him evenly.
WALT
Life and death.

EXT. BUNGALOW - GARAGE/BACK YARD - AFTERNOON
Chemicals, labware, supplies -- the last of the carload of
stuff Walt brought gets packed into a back corner of Dupree's
messy old garage. Dupree covers it with a tarp.
DUPREE
This doesn't stay more than a day.
WALT
What, aren't we gonna cook here?
DUPREE
No, we're not gonna cook here.
This is my house. I don't shit
where I eat.
WALT
Then where are we going to work?
DUPREE
You tell me. This is your deal,
man. You wanna smoke it up, smoke
it up at your house.
(off Walt's look)
Nah. I didn't think so. Oh, well.
Silence as Walt considers. Stubs at the dirt with his heel.
WALT
What if we rented a self-storage
place? One of those little orange
garages? Worked out of there?
DUPREE
Nah, they're onto that. They got
dogs that sniff around.
(grudgingly)
RV. That's what you want.
38.



WALT
What, like a Winnebago?
DUPREE
I know a dude wants to sell his.
He just goes camping with it -- but
a mobile meth lab'd be the bomb.
You can drive way out in th-e---
boonies. Be all evasive.
(gauging Walt's interest)
Forty-five hundred'd get you in.
Off Walt, already calculating how to swing this:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White confronts Marion Alan Dupree and proposes a partnership in cooking crystal meth. They discuss their potential collaboration and plan to work together. The scene ends with Walt considering the idea of renting an RV to use as a mobile meth lab.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
  • Introduction of a new dynamic
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too explicit or offensive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the dangerous world Walter is about to enter and creates tension through the interaction between Walter and Dupree. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Walter entering the world of meth production and forming a partnership with Dupree is intriguing and sets up the main conflict of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as Walter takes steps towards becoming involved in the meth business. The scene introduces a new dynamic and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is low as it follows a familiar trope of characters involved in illegal activities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walter and Dupree are well-developed and their interactions reveal their contrasting personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Walter's decision to form a partnership with Dupree marks a significant change in his character and sets him on a new path.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Dupree to take their meth cooking operation seriously and to follow Walt's instructions.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a suitable location to set up their meth lab.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walter and Dupree is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Dupree challenges Walt's authority and questions his methods.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walter enters the dangerous world of meth production and forms a partnership with Dupree.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic and raising the stakes for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because of the tension between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their meth cooking operation.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and anticipation, as well as curiosity about the potential consequences of Walter's decision.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, effectively conveying the tension and conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved in their illegal activities.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of capitalization, punctuation, and indentation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the dynamic between Walt and Dupree, with Walt taking on a more authoritative role and Dupree challenging him at every turn. This conflict adds tension to the scene and sets up potential conflicts for future scenes.
  • The dialogue in this scene is strong and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It also highlights their contrasting approaches to cooking meth, with Walt emphasizing purity and Dupree valuing his own unique style.
  • The visual elements in this scene are minimal, but the use of the stolen lab gear and the discussion of lab safety help to establish the dangerous nature of their operation.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger, with Walt considering the possibility of buying an RV for their operation. This leaves the audience curious about what Walt will decide and sets up the next scene.
  • One potential improvement for this scene is to further develop the emotional stakes for Walt. While his desire for financial security is clear, it would be beneficial to explore his deeper motivations and fears regarding his cancer diagnosis and the impact it will have on his family.
  • Another suggestion is to add more visual elements to enhance the tension and atmosphere of the scene. This could include showing the characters' body language and facial expressions to convey their emotions and the power dynamics between them.
  • Additionally, it would be helpful to provide more context for the location and time of the scene. This could be achieved through descriptive language or visual cues to give the audience a clearer sense of the setting.
  • Overall, this scene effectively advances the plot and develops the characters, but there are opportunities to deepen the emotional impact and enhance the visual elements to create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Further explore Walt's emotional stakes and motivations in this scene.
  • Add more visual elements to enhance tension and atmosphere.
  • Provide more context for the location and time of the scene.
  • Consider adding additional conflicts or obstacles for the characters to overcome.
  • Continue to develop the dynamic between Walt and Dupree to create more compelling interactions.



Scene 10 -  Entering the Dangerous World
INT. CREDIT UNION - AFTERNOON
The name on the wall says "Ontario Teachers Credit Union."
It's closing time. We find Walt standing at the counter,
doing business with a TELLER and a BRANCH MANAGER.
CLOSER -- crisp ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS get counted out.
TELLER
Thirty-nine, forty. Four
thousand ••• ten, fifteen, sixteen
dollars and ••• sixty-four cents.
Walt stares down at the money, looking distant. Removed.
The manager doesn't feel good about this at all.
BRANCH MANAGER
Mr. White, are you sure you want to
do this? I'm thinking you'd
qualify for a home equity loan.
WALT
I've got two already.
BRANCH MANAGER
You do understand you are losing
nearly seven thousand dollars of
principal. And that this leaves
your pension account with a zero
balance.
WALT
Yes. I understand.
He's perfectly calm. The man stares at Walt, bewildered.
39.


BRANCH MANAGER
I'm concerned you'll want this
money when it comes time to retire.
Walt shrugs and smiles, doesn't answer.

EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
CLOSE ON a fat handful of CASH. Dupree counts it, impressed.
We're in a shopping center lot, mostly empty. In b.g. is the
credit union. Dupree and Walt sit in Dupree's Daytona.
DUPREE
It's four grand. My guy wants
forty-five hundred.
WALT
You're a drug dealer. Negotiate.
Dupree thinks about it, shoves the money in his pants.
DUPREE
You're not how I remember you from
class. I mean, like, not at all.
Walt checks his watch.
WALT
I gotta go.
DUPREE
wait. Hold up. Tell me why you're
doing this. Seriously.
WALT
(a beat)
Why do you do it?
DUPREE
Money, mainly.
WALT
There you have it.
DUPREE
Nah. Come on, man! Some straight
like you, giant stick up his ass •••
all a sudden at age, what, fifty
he's just gonna break bad?
40.


W~T
I'm forty-one.
DUPREE
It's weird, is all. It doesn't
compute. If you're like ••• crazy
or something ••• if you've gone
crazy, or depressed. I'm just
saying. That's something I need to
know about. That affects me.
Walt stares at Dupree a long time, considers how to answer.
W~T
I am .•• awake.
DUPREE
(a confused beat)
What?
Walt pulls the handle, opens his passenger door.
W~T
Buy the RV. We start tomorrow.
Walt gets in his old Nissan, parked beside the Daytona.
Off Dupree, worriedly watching him go:
CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
It's tight in here. Familiar CRUTCHES lean against the wall.
Walter, Jr. sits on a bench, struggling to pull a stiff new
pair of off-brand jeans over his bare legs.
SKYLER (O.S.)
How you coming in there?
W~TER, JR.
Fine.
Anything but. Young Walter works at it valiantly, but the
design of this room is giving him trouble. He won't ask for
help and his folks know it. After a while:
SKYLER (O.S.)
You want me or your Dad?
W~TER, JR.
(gives up; annoyed)
Dad.
41.



The door opens and walt enters. Not a word is said as walt
leans down and his son wraps his arms around his neck. While
Walter, Jr. holds on, his dad lifts him a little and works
the jeans up onto his thighs and waist.
It's intimate in a way that's tough on a teenager, but
Walter, Jr. keeps his dignity. Walt handles it well, too.
WALT
How do these fit? You like these?
Walter, Jr. shrugs, nods. Walt zips up his son, buttons him.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White, dissatisfied with his life and diagnosed with stage 3 multiple myeloma, goes on a ride-along with his brother-in-law, Hank, a DEA agent. During a raid on a meth lab, Walter spots Marion Alan Dupree, a familiar face involved in the drug business. Walter confronts Dupree and proposes a partnership in cooking crystal meth. Dupree is initially surprised but eventually agrees. The scene ends with the two characters discussing their potential collaboration and Walt considering the idea of renting an RV to use as a mobile meth lab.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense and engaging plot
  • Compelling concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the stakes and sets up the main conflict of the story. It also introduces a major turning point in Walter's character arc.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high school chemistry teacher turning to cooking meth to secure his family's financial future is unique and compelling.

Plot: 9

The plot of Walter entering the dangerous world of meth cooking is engaging and full of tension.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and dialogue are relatively common and do not offer any fresh approaches or unique perspectives. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable but not particularly original.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Walter White and Marion Alan Dupree are well-developed and their interaction drives the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Walter undergoes a significant character change as he embraces his darker side and decides to enter the dangerous world of meth cooking.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to withdraw a large sum of money from his pension account. This reflects his deeper need for financial security and his fear of not having enough money for retirement.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to obtain the money he needs for a specific purpose, which is not explicitly stated in the scene. It reflects the immediate circumstances of needing cash and the challenge of convincing the branch manager to allow the withdrawal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walter and Dupree, as well as Walter's internal conflict, creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The branch manager presents a challenge to the protagonist's goal, but it is not insurmountable. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walter risks his reputation, family, and potentially his life by entering the dangerous world of meth cooking.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Walter's descent into the criminal underworld and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it is unclear how the protagonist will convince the branch manager to allow the withdrawal. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of unease and anticipation, as well as sympathy for Walter's desperate situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Walter and Dupree is sharp and reveals their motivations and conflicts.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and the branch manager, creating tension and curiosity about the outcome.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue exchanges and the protagonist's calm demeanor contribute to the overall rhythm of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a specific location and time, introduces the characters, and progresses through a series of dialogue exchanges.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, making it feel somewhat aimless.
  • The conversation between Walt and Dupree is cryptic and doesn't reveal much about their characters or motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling to convey the tension and mystery of the situation.
  • The interaction between Walt and his son feels out of place and doesn't add much to the overall story.
  • The dialogue could be more engaging and reveal more about the characters and their motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear conflict or purpose to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Develop the conversation between Walt and Dupree to reveal more about their characters and motivations.
  • Use visual storytelling to convey the tension and mystery of the situation, such as through lighting, camera angles, or sound design.
  • Reconsider the interaction between Walt and his son to make it more relevant to the overall story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more engaging and reveal more about the characters and their motivations.



Scene 11 -  Walt Takes a Stand
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER
We're in a Target or somesuch. The men's department.
walter, Jr. stands before a mirror, balancing on his crutches
as he appraises his new jeans. Skyler and Walt stand behind
him. Walt's thoughts are distant as he watches his son.
SKYLER
Don't get 'em if they're too tight.
WALTER, JR.
They're--pre--shrunk.
SKYLER
They always say that, then they
shrink anyway.
As Walter, Jr. considers, we hear a faint o.s. COMMOTION.
JOCK (0. S. )
Big boy pants. I got new big boy
pants. Mommmeeee •.•
Walt snaps out of it, turns and looks. Twenty feet away,
partially hidden by clothing racks, are three GUYS, probably
just out of high school. They're laughing hard, making a
token effort to keep their voices low.
The biggest among them, a tall JOCK, is gimping around,
playing "retard" and cracking up the other two. They glance
our way -- it's clear they're making fun of WALTER, JR.
JOCK
Mommmeee, zip up my big boy pants.
Choked LAUGHTER and WHISPERS. Walter, Jr. hears. He sets
his jaw and ignores it, his face burning.
42.


Skyler is livid. She's about to go give these guys bloody
hell, but Walt touches a hand to her arm, stops her.
WALT
No, don't.
Before she can ask why not, Walt walks off in the opposite
direction. He disappears down an aisle. Is he looking for
the manager? A security guard? What's he doing?
Skyler is dismayed he's not standing up for their son.
Frustrated. until she notices:
NEW ANGLE -- the jock is still flogging the joke as WALT
enters frame behind him. Unbeknownst to everyone, Walt has
quickly looped around, stalking up behind these guys.
JOCK
Oh no. Oh no. I pinched a loaf in
my big boy pa--
Wham! Walt kicks the back of the jock's KNEE, dropping the
big guy painfully to the floor. Before the startled jock can
get up, Walt stands full-weight on his ANKLE. Leverage.
JOCK
AAHH! Whu -- what are you DOING?!
WALT
What's the matter, Chief? You
having trouble walking there?
Stand up. Don't be a retard.
Stand up and walk.
JOCK
AAAHH! GET OFF ME!
Walt raises his foot. The jock scrambles to his feet,
towering over Walt.
JOCK
I'll mess you up, man!
The kid's nearly a head taller, 240. Doesn't mean jack-shit
to Walt, who gets in his face. Walt looks slightly crazy.
WALT
Well, don't keep me waiting.
The jock is already backing off. His two friends are
spooked, as well -- tugging at him to leave.
43.



JOCK
Screw you. Freakin' psycho.
B.M.O.C. limps off with his tail between his legs. Skyler
and Walter, Jr. stand staring, amazed. They've never seen
anything like it. Certainly not from their husband and dad.
SKYLER
Walt •• ?
Standing here, Walt feels a kind of power -- one brought on
by an absence of fear.
Off him, realizing more and more that he likes it:

END ACT THREE
44.


ACT FOUR

EXT. COW PASTURE - AFTERNOON
Black and white cows graze in f.g. We drift off them and
focus on a stand of WOODS in the distance.

EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON
Familiar to us from the Teaser, the old WINNEBAGO is parked
off a dirt road. Dupree's Daytona is here, too. We're in
the middle of nowhere. There's nobody around for miles.
The Winnie's screen door opens. Walt steps out, looks
around. Breathes deep. He's got a plastic COAT HANGER he
impatiently taps against his leg. Waiting.
with a faint CRUNCH of leaves, Dupree appears. He's clomping
toward us, carrying binoculars.
DUPREE
Nothing but cows. Got some big
cow-house way over that way, like
two miles. But I don't see nobody.
WALT
"Cow-house?"

DUPREE
(shrug)
Where they live. The cows.
Whatever, man. Shit yeah, let's
cook here.
Dupree walks off, attends to something in his car. Walt
hangs his coat hanger on the RV's awning. He unclips his
tie, slides it in his breast pocket. He unbuttons his short
sleeve dress shirt, hangs it on the hanger.
Dupree wanders back in time to see Walt climb out of his
TROUSERS and hang them up. Dupree stops dead in his tracks.
DUPREE
What. Are you doing?
WALT
These are my good clothes. I can't
go home smelling like a meth lab.
Dupree shakes his head, weirded-out. Walt, stripped down to
his UNDERPANTS, climbs into the Winnebago.
45.


WALT
c'mon, I've only got till six.
He disappears inside. Dupree considers, then reaches in his
jacket pocket for ••• a MINI-CAMCORDER (the one we remember
from the Teaser). Grinning, he follows Walt into the RV.
CUT TO:

BLACK SCREEN
with a DING, up comes a live VIDEO IMAGE of Walt, his back to
us. He wears a lab apron, rubber gloves and safety glasses.
His respirator is propped on his forehead. We are:
INT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON
And we're watching Dupree's CAMCORDER POV of Walt at work.
Walt is crushing scads of sinus pills in a mortar and pestle.
This place is packed tight with lab equipment and supplies.
We hear Dupree SNICKERING o.s. He ZOOMS IN on Walt's
underpants, which show through the back of his apron.
DUPREE (O.S.)
This is a good look for you.
You're maybe only the world's
second-biggest homo.
WALT
Shut up and give me a hand here.
Walt glances back at us, notices the camcorder. Shit! He
reaches straight into lens, tussling for it. It goes BLACK.
WALT (0. S. )
Gimme that goddamned --
The screen goes to STATIC. BAM! -- as we bring up MUSIC:

INT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON - MONTAGE
Edited to the BEAT of some very hip, driving SONG, we see
various ANGLES and JUMP-CUTS of Walt cooking meth, assisted
by Dupree. Hours are compressed into seconds here.
For those of us who grew up watching "The A-Team," this is
that scene they'd always do where the A-Team builds a tank or
a jet plane out of spare parts. Same feeling, same energy
except here, our guys are making highly illegal drugs.
46.



Without turning this into a how-to video, we watch as:
-- Powdered sinus tablets get soaked in a solvent, separated
out as a paste and a liquid, then reduced down over heat.
-- Veterinary iodine is transformed into hydriodic acid.
-- The striker strips of dozens of matchbooks get scraped off
with a razor blade, forming a pile of red phosphorus.
-- Red phosphorus is combined with hydriodic acid and mixed
with the pseudoephedrine culled from the sinus pills.
The whole mess gets cooked into freebase meth oil.
Salt, muriatic acid, and bits of aluminum foil are mixed
in a gas can. It gets connected to a length of garden hose.
hydrogen chloride gas bubbles through the hose and down
into a big bucket full of freebase. White methamphetamine
hydrochloride crystals float to the top and get skimmed off.
Throughout all this, Walt is working with the utmost gravity
and attention to detail -- as if he were a scientist on the
Manhattan Project. As the cook progresses, we get little
hints that Dupree is taking it more seriously, too.
Seeing the way Walt works, seeing that he really knows his
stuff, Dupree acts more respectful. He even starts wearing
his safety gear. Clearly, he's learning from walt.

EXT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON
The little RV sits hidden in the woods. Toxic-looking YELLOW
SMOKE wafts through a vent in the roof. It curls up into the
trees, filtering through shafts of red afternoon sunset.
End MUSIC. End MONTAGE.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walt's son, Walter Jr., is mocked by a group of guys in a department store. Walt initially walks away but then confronts the jock who made fun of his son. He physically intimidates the jock and stands up for his family. Later, Walt and Dupree set up a meth lab in an RV in the woods.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases Walt's character development and sets up the central conflict and tension of the story. The dialogue and actions are impactful and memorable."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from further exploration of the emotional impact on Walt's family and the potential consequences of his actions."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful and memorable, showcasing Walt's character development and the beginning of his descent into the criminal world. It also sets up the tension and conflict that will drive the rest of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Walt turning to cooking meth as a way to provide for his family is intriguing and sets up the central conflict of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and propels the story forward. It introduces the conflict between Walt and the jock, as well as the partnership between Walt and Dupree.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist standing up to bullies is familiar, the specific details and dialogue feel authentic and fresh. The characters' actions and dialogue are believable and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Walt, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue are consistent with their personalities.

Character Changes: 9

Walt undergoes a significant character change in the scene, transitioning from a passive and meek individual to someone who is willing to take a stand and assert his power.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to stand up for his son and protect him from the bullies. This reflects his deeper need to be a good father and his fear of his son being hurt or humiliated.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront the bullies and defend his son's honor. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the disrespectful teenagers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, both in terms of the physical confrontation between Walt and the jock, and the internal conflict within Walt as he contemplates entering the drug business.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces off against the bullies and overcomes their mocking and belittling. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will go, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, both in terms of Walt's personal relationships and the potential consequences of entering the drug business.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the partnership between Walt and Dupree and setting up the conflict and tension that will drive the rest of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know how the protagonist will respond to the bullies. The unexpected action of the protagonist confronting the bullies adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's values of standing up for his family and the bullies' values of mocking and belittling others. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the importance of respect and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits strong emotions, particularly in the way Walt stands up for his son and asserts his power.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful and reveals the tension and power dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable and emotionally charged situation, with well-developed characters and realistic dialogue. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of actions contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters and setting, then progresses through a series of actions and dialogue that build tension and conflict, and ends with a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Walt's thoughts being distant, which could be made clearer to the audience.
  • The dialogue between Skyler and Walter Jr. about the jeans could be more natural and less expository.
  • The interruption by the guys feels forced and could be better integrated into the scene.
  • The confrontation between Walt and the guys lacks buildup and could benefit from more tension.
  • The dialogue between Walt and the guys could be more impactful and memorable.
  • The visual elements could be enhanced to create a stronger emotional impact.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or visual cue to indicate Walt's distant thoughts.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Skyler and Walter Jr. to make it more natural and less expository.
  • Integrate the interruption by the guys more seamlessly into the scene, perhaps by having them enter the dressing room area instead of being partially hidden by clothing racks.
  • Build up the tension between Walt and the guys by adding more interaction or dialogue before the confrontation.
  • Revise the dialogue between Walt and the guys to make it more impactful and memorable, capturing Walt's assertiveness and power.
  • Enhance the visual elements, such as using close-ups or specific camera angles, to create a stronger emotional impact.
  • Explore opportunities for character development and depth, such as revealing more about Walt's motivations or emotions in this scene.



Scene 12 -  The Meth Partnership
INT. WINNEBAGO - EVENING
It's getting dark outside. The cook is done. Walt sits in
his apron, tired. He rubs at the red line around his face
left by his respirator, trying to make it go away.
They've made about a pound of fat, snowy white crystals.
Dupree carefully dips into their product with a razor blade,
lifting out a tiny sample. He taps it onto a sheet of yellow
paper, swirling it around. His eyes are wide.
47.



He's a whole new Dupree now. Subdued. Awed. It's as if
he's seen the Holy Grail.
DUPREE
This is ••• this is glass grade.
You got ••• Jesus, you got crystals
in here a quarter-inch long.
Longer. This is pure glass.
(turns to him)
You're ••• you're Michelangelo.
You're a goddamned artist. This is
art. Mr. White •.•
He's run out of superlatives. He's actually tearing Ye.
walt is surprised by his emotion.
WALT
It's just basic chemistry.
(off his awe)
But thank you, Marion. I'm glad
it's acceptable.
DUPREE
Acceptable? Every jibbhead from
here to Timbuktu's gonna want a
taste! It's gonna be like, "Sir,
would you care to replace your
Schwinn bicycle with this brand-new
Ferrari?" Shit!
(dips some more)
Dude, I gotta try some of this.
Uncomfortable with that idea, Walt intercedes.
WALT
No. We sell it, we don't smoke it.
DUPREE
Since when?
(Walt puts it away)
Man, you been watching too much
"Miami Vice."
WALT
(checks his watch)
So, how do we proceed?
DUPREE
You cook more tomorrow. Meantime,
I know just the guy to talk to.
48.



INT. KRAZY-8'S HOUSE - MORNING
Brand-new giant screen TV. Otherwise, this place looks like
a cross between a frat house and a crack house. KRAZY-8,
a young, hard-looking Mexican, sits on a sofa dotted with
cigarette burns. He's playing NBA basketball on his PS2.
The front door stands open -- but the screen door, all heavy
reinforced steel, is shut. Visible through it, Dupree
wanders up onto the porch, cups his eyes and peers in.
DUPREE
Yo, Kraze I How you doin', my man?
Krazy-8 glances over flatly, returns his attention to his
video game. Dupree twists the doorknob. Locked.
DUPREE
Can I come in?
A beat or two as Krazy-8 keeps playing. Finally, he reaches
over, grabs a garage door clicker. He BUZZES Dupree in.
Dupree bops into the living room, all smiles. He's acting
like he and this guy are tight -- which they are not. Dupree
takes a seat, watches the video game.
DUPREE
I got this game. The Laker Girls
all have titties like pine cones.
Yo, I'll show you a trick move.
You hit the x-button simultaneous
with the
KRAZY-8
-- Shut your mouth and show me your
money.
DUPREE
I ain't buying, ese. I'm selling.
Dupree tosses a tiny BAGGIE on the coffee table. It's a
"tina" one-sixteenth of an ounce of meth. One hit.
DUPREE
Tell me that ain't the finest
scante you ever laid eyes on.
Krazy-8 glances at the baggie, keeps playing. Glances at it
again. Pauses his game and picks it up. Studies it closely.
49.



DUPREE
Huh? See? Crystal so big, look
like somebody broke a window.
Look like you'd cut your nose off.
Try it.
Krazy takes a whiff of the open baggie, considers. He scoops
a taste into his pinkie nail and snorts it up his nostril.
DUPREE
BOO-YAH! See? What I say?
Krazy squints his eyes, rubs his nose. Jesus -- rocket fuel.
KRAZY-B
That's alright.
(eyeing him)
So, what? You back in business?
DUPREE
Hell, yeah I'm back! with a
vengeance I Nigga gotta make a
living! And with your cousin gone
away and all •••
(changes gears)
And listen homes, about that. It
really broke me up about Emilio.
Dude is like my brother.
(mournful)
He okay? You talk to him?
KRAZY-B
Yeah, I talked to him. He says
when the feds came, you were out
stickin' it in some neighbor lady.
DUPREE
(shrugs; smiles)
Hey, you know. I got lucky twice.
KRAZY-B
Yeah? I dunno, man. Emilio •• ?
(dark)
He thinks maybe you dimed on him.
Dupree's expression clouds over, surprised and offended.
DUPREE
That is bullshit. That is
bullshit, Krazy-B! I should kick
his punk ass for even thinking
that. Next time you talk to
Emilio, you tell him for me.
50.



A TOILET FLUSHES o.s. Krazy-8 nods toward the sound.
KRAZY-8
Made bail this morning.
You can tell him yourself.
The bathroom door opens. Into the room walks EMILIO, the guy
we saw get busted. He looks bigger now, somehow. And angry.
EMILIO
Go ahead, pendejo. Kick my ass.
Dupree is suddenly none too comfortable. Emilio advances on
him, but Krazy-8 shakes his head to his cousin -- hold up.
Krazy-8 turns to Dupree, dangles the baggie. Shakes it.
KRAZY-8
Where'd you get this? 'Cause I
know damn well you didn't cook it.
Off Dupree, not so cocky now:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walter White and Marion Alan Dupree discuss their successful crystal meth production and plan to expand their operation. They meet with Krazy-8, who suspects Dupree of betraying him. Emilio, Krazy-8's cousin, confronts Dupree about the accusation.
Strengths
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tense and engaging dialogue
  • Strong conflict and tension
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and character dynamics. It effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of Walter and Dupree partnering to cook crystal meth is intriguing and sets the stage for the main plot of the series. The scene introduces the idea of using an RV as a mobile meth lab, which adds a unique element to the story.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Walter and Dupree's successful meth production and their plan to expand. It also introduces conflicts between Dupree, Krazy-8, and Emilio, setting up future storylines.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of cooking meth and the drug trade is not entirely original, the specific details and character dynamics add a fresh approach to the familiar subject matter. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene, particularly Walter, Dupree, Krazy-8, and Emilio, are well-developed and their interactions are compelling. Walter's transformation from a mild-mannered chemistry teacher to a confident meth cook is particularly captivating.

    Character Changes: 9

    Walter undergoes a significant character change in the scene, embracing his new identity as a meth cook and becoming more assertive. Dupree also experiences a change, transitioning from skepticism to admiration for Walter's skills.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to be acknowledged and appreciated for his skills and expertise in cooking meth. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to sell the meth they have cooked and establish a business relationship with Krazy-8. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the drug trade.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. Walter's internal conflict about his decision to cook meth is evident, and the conflicts between Dupree, Krazy-8, and Emilio add tension and raise the stakes.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges from Krazy-8 and Emilio. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will handle these challenges and what consequences they might have.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high in the scene as Walter and Dupree venture further into the dangerous world of meth production. The conflicts with Krazy-8 and Emilio raise the stakes even further.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by establishing Walter and Dupree's successful meth production and their plan to expand. It also introduces conflicts and tensions that will drive future plot developments.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new character, Emilio, who confronts the protagonist unexpectedly. The audience doesn't know how the confrontation will go and what consequences it might have.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the artistic value of their meth and Krazy-8's focus on the business and money-making aspect. This challenges the protagonist's belief that their meth is a form of art and raises questions about the morality of their actions.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene elicits strong emotions, particularly in Walter's transformation and the confrontations between the characters. It also raises questions about the moral implications of their actions.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in the scene is sharp, realistic, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, Krazy-8, and establishes a potential conflict between him and the protagonist. The dialogue and interactions between the characters create tension and intrigue, making the audience want to know what will happen next.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and action with moments of dialogue and character development. The scene moves at a steady pace, keeping the audience engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The scene is easy to read and understand.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their dialogue and actions. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension between Walt and Dupree. While they have a difference in opinion about the equipment and methods, it doesn't escalate into a significant conflict that drives the scene forward.
    • The dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from more subtext or layers of meaning. It mostly revolves around their differing opinions on cooking meth, but there could be more depth to their conversation.
    • The scene could use more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling. Currently, it relies heavily on dialogue, and incorporating more visual cues could make it more engaging for the audience.
    • The emotional tone of the scene is somewhat flat. There is a missed opportunity to explore the characters' motivations and emotions more deeply, which could add depth and complexity to the scene.
    • The ending of the scene, with Walt considering buying an RV, feels abrupt and lacks a clear resolution or transition to the next scene.
    Suggestions
    • Introduce a stronger conflict or tension between Walt and Dupree. This could be done by highlighting their differing motivations or goals for cooking meth, or by introducing a new obstacle or challenge they need to overcome together.
    • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and layers of meaning. Explore the characters' motivations, fears, or desires through their conversation, and consider adding moments of vulnerability or tension.
    • Incorporate more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling. Show the characters' reactions, body language, or use the environment to convey meaning and subtext.
    • Deepen the emotional tone of the scene by exploring the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. Show their internal conflicts or struggles, and allow the audience to connect with their journey on a deeper level.
    • Reconsider the ending of the scene to provide a clearer resolution or transition. This could involve a decision or action that sets up the next scene or advances the plot in a meaningful way.



    Scene 13 -  The Meth Lab Showdown
    EXT. WOODS - DAY
    It's a second day of cooking for Walt. He's out here alone
    with the Winnebago, having just arrived. He puts his coat
    hanger on the awning and strips down, hanging up his good
    clothes. As he ties on his lab apron •••
    .•• An Oldsmobile Cutlass arrives. stops thirty feet away.
    Walt stands his ground watching it, wary. Squints at it.
    Three men in the car. A little hard to see. Walt relaxes
    slightly when he realizes Dupree is one of them.
    Driver's door opens. Krazy-8 climbs out, stands his ground.
    KRAZY-8
    Nature Boyl You must be the cook!
    (off Walt's silence)
    That is some stone-fine cheebah,
    ese! You wanna come work for me?
    WALT
    (a beat)
    I'd be happy to sell to you.
    If the price is right.
    KRAZY-8
    "Price Is Right." Yeah, man •••
    COME ON DOWN!
    51.



    He holds up a plastic Von's bag. This is the CASH we saw
    blowing around in the Teaser. Krazy glances around, casual.
    KRAZY-8
    So. You're out here all by
    yourself, huh?
    Walt doesn't like the question. Doesn't answer. He's
    watching the Cutlass now -- wondering why Dupree, sitting in
    the back seat with the third man, hasn't moved.
    The third man, EMILIO, climbs out now. He's got a look on
    his face that tells us he's just realized who Walt is.
    EMILIO
    Shit. You're that guy.
    (to Krazy-8)
    The D.E.A ••• he was there with the
    goddamned D.E.A!
    OFF Walt -- uh-oh. Confusion all around. Rising anxiety.
    Emilio turns on Dupree, still seated in the car.
    EMILIO
    Goddamned rata snitch!
    Emilio's reaching for his gun. That's enough for Dupree
    he throws open the far door, takes off into the woods.
    DUPREE
    RUN, MR. WHITE! RUN !
    As he yells this over his shoulder -- BAM! Dupree plows
    headlong into a TREE. He collapses, knocked cold.
    Walt doesn't go anywhere. Krazy-8 pulls his gun immediately,
    points it at him. pistols drawn, the two cousins look back
    and forth between unconscious Dupree and Walt, who's got his
    hands up. Motionless silence. The cousins expect feds to
    come swarming out of the trees at any second.
    None do. The cousins relax a touch. Dupree softly MOANS.
    EMILIO
    Asshole.
    (to Krazy-8)
    Cap 'em both. That's what I say.
    Krazy-8 lights a cigarette, thinks about it. Walt stands
    nervous, but stoic. He's already come to grips with dying,
    and he's not going to plead for his life.
    Krazy blows smoke, studies Walt closely.
    52.



    KRAZY-8
    Yo. You really cook that batch?
    Walt nods, his hands still raised.
    KRAZY-8
    You an artist. It's a damn shame.
    He raises his pistol, about to fire -- Emilio, too.
    WALT
    W-What if I showed you my secret?
    Every cook's got his recipe -- what
    if I taught you mine?
    (off their silence)
    Let us both live, I'll teach you.
    Emilio looks to Krazy-8, who's weighing it. It's attractive.
    Off Krazy, blowing smoke:

    EXT. WINNEBAGO - MINUTES LATER
    CLOSE ON Dupree, face-down and blotto. Emilio finishes
    hog-tying his wrists, then gives him a KICK in the head for
    good measure. Emilio walks to the RV in b.g.

    INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
    Walt prepares his tools and materials. Krazy-8 stands behind
    him, arms crossed, gun in hand, watching his every move.
    Emilio climbs aboard, joins his cousin.
    WALT
    Put out the cigarette.
    Krazy-8 considers, then pokes his cig through the louvered
    slats of a window and flicks it outside.

    EXT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
    CLOSE -- it lands behind the RV, a few red sparks flying.
    We CREEP IN on the butt as it lies smoldering in the WEEDS.

    INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
    CLOSE -- POOF! A hot plate flames to life as Walt ignites
    the gas. Walt runs a finger across his neatly arranged jars
    of ingredients. He stops on one -- RED PHOSPHORUS.
    53.



    walt glances at ••• his RESPIRATOR. It's lying way at the
    other end of the RV. Walt gingerly sizes up the cousins.
    Emilio reaches over, wig-wags Walt's earlobe with the muzzle
    of his shiny 9mm. Cold and menacing as hell.
    EMILIO
    Step to it, snitch.
    Walt makes up his mind -- it's now or never. He unscrews the
    top off the red phosphorus bottle. He takes a long, deep,
    quiet breath ••• and HOLDS it.
    He dumps the bottle onto the hot plate. It hits the flame
    with a sizzling WHOOF and smokes up. Walt ducks and RUNS.

    EXT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
    Walt makes it outside just ahead of the cousins. He slams
    the door in their faces, leans his back against it hard.
    BOOM! BOOM! They're kicking the shit out of it from the
    inside, trying desperately to get out. We hear them COUGHING
    now. GASPING. The flimsy RV door won't hold up long.
    Suddenly -- BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM! BULLET HOLES puncture the
    door, zinging just above Walt's head. Still Walt stands
    fast, flinching and ducking lower. BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM!
    The firing stops. The CHOKING SOUNDS get louder, more
    tortured. Horrifying. Tiny thin curls of RED SMOKE waft out
    through the bullet holes.
    We hear a heavy THUMP. Then ANOTHER. Two bodies hitting the
    floor. Silence now. Walt shuts his eyes, breathing hard.
    Walt recovers, stumbles over and checks on Dupree, who's
    still breathing. Walt unties him. Thank God, they're both
    alive. Just as walt gets Dupree loose •.•
    ••• He smells SMOKE. He turns, sees it rising thick and dark
    from behind the Winnebago. He runs to see.
    NEW ANGLE - BEHIND THE RV
    Krazy-B's CIGARETTE has started a BRUSH FIRE. It's ten feet
    across. Walt tries to stomp it out, but that ain't working.
    He yanks off his heavy lab apron, desperately tries to beat
    out the flames with that. No dice. In a panic, Walt stares
    up into the sky -- watches the SMOKE trail high overhead.
    Everyone within five miles can see it.
    54.



    LOW ANGLE - DUPREE
    Lies drifting in and out of consciousness. Walt -- in his
    underpants, black shoes and socks -- runs to him. Walt yanks
    a RESPIRATOR onto Dupree's face, then drags him out of frame.
    ANGLE - THE RV
    The flames of the brush fire are licking the back bumper.
    The engine ROARS alive, the exhaust pipe belching blue smoke.
    The fire is blocking the dirt road now. The Winnebago
    lurches forward and takes off overland. Walt's clothes swing
    from the awning -- a tree branch knocks loose his TROUSERS.

    EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY (REPEATED FOOTAGE)
    Pastoral. Quiet. COW SHIT bakes in the sun, then gets
    RUN OVER with a SPLAT. We're full-circle back to the Teaser.
    The Winnebago galumphs across the landscape, scattering cows.

    INT. WINNEBAGO - DAY (REPEATED FOOTAGE)
    Walt drives in his underpants and his gas mask, his knuckles
    white on the wheel. Unconscious Dupree slumps beside him.
    Behind, the dead cousins slide to and fro amidst the sloshing
    ruins of the meth lab. Their CASH flutters in the breeze.
    Walt hyperventilates. His mask FOGS UP. BAM! He crashes,
    violently JERKING FORWARD into lens. The frame goes BLACK.
    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

    Summary Walter White and Marion Alan Dupree are confronted by Krazy-8 and Emilio in the woods. Dupree is accused of being a snitch, leading to a tense standoff. Walt offers to teach Krazy-8 his secret recipe in exchange for sparing their lives. A brush fire starts, forcing Walt and Dupree to escape in the Winnebago. The scene ends with a crash and the cousins' bodies sliding amidst the ruins of the meth lab.
    Strengths "Intense confrontation, unexpected twist with the brush fire, strong character dynamics"
    Weaknesses "Limited character development for Krazy-8 and Emilio"

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, with the characters facing a life-or-death situation. The unexpected twist of the brush fire adds an additional layer of danger and urgency. The scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene revolves around the high-stakes confrontation between Walter White and the drug dealers. It explores the moral dilemma faced by Walt and introduces the theme of survival and self-preservation.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. It introduces a conflict between Walt and the drug dealers, escalates the tension, and resolves it with a twist involving the brush fire.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While it follows some familiar tropes of the crime genre, such as a confrontation between a protagonist and dangerous criminals, it also introduces unique elements, such as the protagonist's offer to teach the drug dealers his recipe. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and decisions drive the plot forward. Walter White's determination and resourcefulness, Dupree's loyalty, and the menacing presence of Krazy-8 and Emilio create a compelling dynamic.

    Character Changes: 8

    Walter White's character undergoes a change as he confronts the drug dealers and makes a life-or-death decision. He becomes more determined and resourceful in order to protect himself and his partner.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect himself. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being caught or killed.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to negotiate with the drug dealers and convince them to spare his life. This reflects the immediate challenge of being confronted by dangerous criminals.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 10

    The scene is filled with intense conflict, both physical and psychological. The characters are faced with life-or-death decisions and the threat of betrayal.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with dangerous drug dealers who pose a threat to his life. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives on the line. The decision they make will have significant consequences for their survival and future.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and introducing a new twist with the brush fire. It raises the stakes and sets up further developments in the plot.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists, such as the protagonist's offer to teach the drug dealers his recipe and the brush fire that endangers their lives.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to survive and the drug dealers' desire for control and power. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and the value of human life.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, fear, and anxiety. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and feels the weight of their decisions.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters. It reveals their motivations and adds depth to their interactions.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with suspenseful dialogue and action.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the conflict.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and builds tension through dialogue and action.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear transition between Walt withdrawing money and meeting with Dupree. It would be helpful to have a brief establishing shot or a line of dialogue to indicate the change in location.
    • The dialogue between Walt and Dupree feels a bit repetitive, as they have already discussed their plans for cooking meth in the previous scene. Consider condensing their conversation or introducing new information to keep the scene engaging.
    • The cryptic conversation between Walt and Dupree could be more effective if there were hints or foreshadowing of the larger plot or character motivations. This would add depth and intrigue to the scene.
    • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the tension and mystery. Consider adding details about the characters' body language, facial expressions, or the environment to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
    • The ending of the scene, with Walt considering buying an RV, feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider finding a way to tie it back to the conflict or emotional tone of the scene to create a stronger sense of continuity.
    Suggestions
    • Add a brief establishing shot or line of dialogue to indicate the change in location between Walt withdrawing money and meeting with Dupree.
    • Condense the dialogue between Walt and Dupree or introduce new information to keep the scene engaging.
    • Include hints or foreshadowing of the larger plot or character motivations in the cryptic conversation between Walt and Dupree.
    • Add more visual descriptions to enhance the tension and mystery, such as details about body language, facial expressions, or the environment.
    • Find a way to tie the ending of the scene, with Walt considering buying an RV, back to the conflict or emotional tone of the scene for a stronger sense of continuity.



    Scene 14 -  Surviving the First Week
    EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY - MINUTES LATER
    We start on BLACK, then PULL OUT of the barrel of Walt's gun.
    We find ourselves where the Teaser left off -- Walt is aiming
    past us, standing in his shirt and tie and underpants.
    SIRENS are wailing. We see RED LIGHTS flashing just over top
    of the weeds. They're racing our way.
    Walt has second thoughts. What the hell is he doing? He's
    not going to shoot anybody. The ferocity leaks out of him.
    Despair settles in in its place.
    Sirens -- BLARING. Fuck it. He sticks the muzzle in his
    mouth, winces hard. He YANKS THE TRIGGER.
    55.


    Nothing. The safety's on. Walt fumbles with it, trying to
    figure it out. This takes him just long enough that •••
    ••• The sirens are revealed to be FIRE ENGINES. Not the
    cops. Two big pumper trucks curve past us, following a dirt
    road through the pasture we didn't see until now.
    They roar on by, none of the firemen taking the slightest
    notice of Walt. They're heading for Krazy-8's brush fire a
    mile away. We can see the crooked column of SMOKE from here.
    The SIRENS and the ROAR fade away. Gradually, the pasture
    grows silent again. Walt stares stupidly, the pistol
    dangling at his side. He lets it drop to the dirt.
    He stands blinking, trying to figure out what the hell just
    happened. Pure, dumb luck. Beginner's luck.
    As he stands here, the door to the RV opens behind him.
    Dupree stumbles out, pulls off his gas mask. Half his face
    is swollen like a balloon, but he'll recover.
    Dupree wanders over, stands next to Walt. Dazed silence.
    DUPREE
    What happened •• ?
    (nods toward the RV)
    W-What'd you do?
    Walt is weirdly matter-of-fact.
    W~T
    Red phosphorus, when heat is
    applied .•• oxidizes and yields
    carbonyl chloride. Phosgene gas.
    One good whiff of it .••
    He shrugs, trails off. Folds at the waist and THROWS UP.
    Dupree stands staring at nothing in particular. Walt rises,
    wipes his mouth. He picks up his W~LET and CAMCORDER.
    W~T
    Gotta. Gotta clean this up.
    Gotta ••• bury ••.
    He slowly wanders back to the Winnebago. Dupree follows him.
    Off our two new partners, who have only barely survived their
    first week together •••
    DISSOLVE TO:
    56.



    INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
    Late. Lights are off. Skyler and Walter, Jr. have gone to
    bed. Walt stands at the kitchen sink, washing Krazy-8's cash
    in Dawn dishwashing liquid. Washing off the toxic chemicals.

    He gives an involuntary shudder. He squeezes shut his eyes,
    which are tearing up. Tonight's a night he's never going to
    forget -- whether he lives two years or two hundred.

    INT. WHITE HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT
    BLACK FRAME. A DING, then a door opens -- revealing we're
    inside the clothes dryer, looking out. Dry twenty dollar
    bills flutter around. Weary Walt reaches in and grabs them
    by the fistful.
    Walt quickly counts the money. Eight thousand and change.
    Walt jams it in a shoebox, snaps a rubber band around it.
    Remembering something, he reaches in his pocket •••
    '" And pulls out the tiny camcorder TAPE. On it, we'll
    remember, is the confession to his family. He doesn't
    destroy the tape. He thinks about it, then drops it into the
    shoebox full of cash.
    walt stands tiptoes on a chair, tucks the box way up in the
    garage rafters. Looking haunted, like hell warmed over, he
    climbs down and exits, turns off the light. DARKNESS.

    INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
    Skyler lies in bed, alone and awake. We're on her as we hear
    the door open. Quiet footsteps. Clothes come off.
    Walt gingerly climbs into bed, not wanting to wake his wife.
    He lies motionless, staring up at the ceiling. A torrent of
    thoughts rush through his head. Finally:
    SKYLER
    Where were you?
    Walt doesn't answer. Skyler turns his way, stares at him.
    SKYLER
    Walt, I don't know what is going on
    with you lately --
    WUT
    Nothing. I'm fine.
    57.


    SKYLER
    Whatever it is, I'll tell you
    this. I do not like it when you
    don't talk to me. The worst thing
    you can do is shut me out.
    WALT
    I'm ••• I understand. I'm fine.
    She stares at him in the darkness. He stares at her.
    A strange feeling comes over him. It's relief to be alive,
    mixed with dread that life won't last. It's fear of being
    caught. It's the thrill -- for once -- of taking risks.
    It's excitement, in many different forms. And since he can't
    talk about it, there's only one way to let it out.
    walt kisses his wife. Passionately.
    SKYLER
    Walt •••
    He keeps kissing her. Gently rolls her so that her back is
    to him. out of sight under the covers, he fumbles with her
    panties, pulls them down.
    Surprised as hell, Skyler nonetheless allows it. She feels
    around behind her.
    SKYLER
    Oh my God. Is that you?
    It sure is. The mighty oak. Walt enters her -- Skyler's
    eyes pop wide, and we CUT TO BLACK. Over the sounds of HEAVY
    BREATHING and the SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAKING of bed springs •••
    ••• FADE UP CREDITS.

    THE END
    Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary After narrowly escaping a dangerous situation, Walter and Dupree reflect on their first week together as partners in the meth business. They clean up the aftermath of a failed meth lab and hide their earnings. Walt returns home to his wife, Skyler, and they share a passionate moment. The scene ends with the characters preparing for the next phase of their operation.
    Strengths
    • Intense conflicts and tension
    • Strong character development
    • Effective use of dialogue to convey emotions and motivations
    Weaknesses
    • Some may find the scene's content and themes disturbing or morally objectionable

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is filled with tension, emotion, and significant character development. It effectively sets up the next phase of the story and leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of Walter White's transformation from a mild-mannered chemistry teacher to a ruthless meth manufacturer is intriguing and well-executed in this scene.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with the characters facing intense conflicts and making important decisions that will shape the future of their operation.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the overall originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters, particularly Walter and Dupree, undergo significant development in this scene. Walter's transformation into a more assertive and dangerous individual is particularly compelling.

    Character Changes: 9

    Walter undergoes a significant change in this scene, embracing his new identity as a meth manufacturer and taking risks to protect his operation and family.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the consequences of his actions and the risks he has taken. It reflects his deeper need for control and his fear of being caught or facing the repercussions of his choices.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to clean up the aftermath of the chemical reaction he caused and dispose of the evidence. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as avoiding detection and maintaining his secret identity.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external. The intense standoff with Krazy-8 and Emilio creates a high-stakes situation for the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of cleaning up the aftermath of his actions and avoiding detection. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing the threat of betrayal, potential death, and the loss of their meth lab. The consequences of their actions are significant.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, developing the characters, and setting up the next phase of the operation.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the audience's expectations by revealing that the sirens are actually fire engines and not the police. This adds a twist to the scene and keeps the audience guessing.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from despair and fear to relief and excitement. The characters' struggles and the risks they take create a strong emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene. It also provides important information about the characters' actions and motivations.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and suspense through its descriptive language and the protagonist's internal struggle. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's dilemma and wants to know what will happen next.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The quick and concise dialogue, as well as the descriptive language, keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatted correctly.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by the protagonist's actions and dialogue, and ends with a transition to the next scene.


    Critique
    • The scene starts abruptly with Walt helping his son try on new jeans in a department store dressing room. It would be helpful to have a transition or a brief setup to establish the location and the characters' motivations for being there.
    • The conflict between Walt and the guys is resolved too quickly and easily. It would be more engaging if there was a back-and-forth exchange or a moment of tension before Walt stands up to them.
    • The dialogue between the guys making fun of Walter Jr. could be more impactful and hurtful. It would add to the emotional tension of the scene.
    • The visual elements could be enhanced to create a stronger visual impact. For example, showing Walt's internal struggle through close-ups or using visual cues to convey his assertiveness.
    • The ending of the scene could be more impactful by showing the reactions of other characters, such as Skyler and Walter Jr., in a more explicit and dramatic way.
    Suggestions
    • Add a brief setup or transition to establish the location and the characters' motivations for being in the department store.
    • Extend the conflict between Walt and the guys by adding a back-and-forth exchange or a moment of tension before Walt stands up to them.
    • Revise the dialogue between the guys making fun of Walter Jr. to make it more impactful and hurtful.
    • Enhance the visual elements to create a stronger visual impact, such as using close-ups or visual cues to convey Walt's internal struggle and assertiveness.
    • Make the ending of the scene more impactful by showing the reactions of other characters, such as Skyler and Walter Jr., in a more explicit and dramatic way.