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Scene 1 -  Breaking Dawn
BREAKING BAD
by
Vince Gilligan



5/27/05




AMC
Sony Pictures Television
TEASER

EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY
Deep blue sky overhead. Fat, scuddy clouds. Below them,
black and white cows graze the rolling hills. This could be
one of those California "It's The Cheese" commercials.
Except those commercials don't normally focus on cow shit.
We do. TILT DOWN to a fat, round PATTY drying olive drab in
the sun. Flies buzz. Peaceful and quiet. until •••
ZOOOM! WHEELS plow right through the shit with a SPLAT.
NEW ANGLE - AN RV
Is speeding smack-dab through the pasture, no road in sight.
A bit out of place, to say the least. It's an old 70's era
Winnebago with chalky white paint and Bondo spots. A bumper
sticker for the Good Sam Club is stuck to the back.
The Winnebago galumphs across the landscape, scattering cows.
It catches a wheel and sprays a rooster tail of red dirt.

INT. WINNEBAGO - DAY
Inside, the DRIVER's knuckles cling white to the wheel. He's
got the pedal flat. Scared, breathing fast. His eyes bug
wide behind the faceplate of his gas mask.
Oh, by the way, he's wearing a GAS MASK. That, and white
jockey UNDERPANTS. Nothing else.
Buckled in the seat beside him lolls a clothed PASSENGER,
also wearing a gas mask. Blood streaks down from his ear,
blotting his T-shirt. He's passed out cold.
Behind them, the interior is a wreck. Beakers and buckets
and flasks -- some kind of ad-hoc CHEMICAL LAB -- spill their
noxious contents with every bump we hit. Yellow-brown liquid
washes up and down the floor. It foams in a scum around •••
••. Two DEAD BODIES. Two freshly deceased Mexican guys
tumble like rag dolls, bumping into each other.
Completing this picture is the blizzard of MONEY. A Von's
bag lies leaking twenties. Fifteen, twenty grand in cash
wafts around in the air or floats in the nasty brown soup.
CLOSE on the driver's eyes. He's panting like a steam
engine. His mask FOGS UP until finally he can't see.
2.




EXT. COW PASTURE - CONTINUOUS
The Winnebago comes roaring over a berm and down into a deep
gully. Too deep. BAM! The front bumper bottoms out,
burying itself. WAAAAAAHI The rear wheels spin air.
The engine cuts off. Silence again. The Winnie's door kicks
open and out stumbles underpants man. He yanks off his gas
mask, lets it drop.
He's forty years old. Receding hairline. A bit pasty.
He's not a guy who makes a living working with his hands.
He's not a guy we'd pay attention to if we passed him on the
street. But right now, at this moment, in this pasture?
Right now, we'd step the fuck out of his way.
Underpants man looks at the RV. End of the line for that.
He listens hard. Out of the silence, we hear .•• SIRENS.
They're faint, a few miles off -- but growing louder. Our
guy knows he's boned with a capital B. He HOLDS HIS BREATH
and leaps back inside the RV.

INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
A chrome 9mm is clutched in the hand of one of the dead
Mexicans. Underpants grabs it, tucks it in his waistband.
His unconscious passenger, still strapped in his seat, lets
out a groan. Underpants leans past him, yanks open the glove
box. He comes up with a WALLET and a tiny Sony CAMCORDER.

EXT. COW PASTURE - CONTINUOUS
Ducking outside, he starts breathing again. A short sleeve
DRESS SHIRT on a hanger dangles from the Winnebago's awning.
Underpants pulls it on. He finds a clip-on tie in the
pocket, snaps it to his collar. No trousers, unfortunately.
He licks his fingers, slicks his hair down with his hands.
He's looking almost pulled together now -- at least from the
waist-up. All the while, the sirens are getting LOUDER.
Underpants figures out how to turn on the camcorder. He
twists the little screen around so he can see himself in it.
Framing himself waist-up, he takes a moment to gather his
thoughts .•• then presses RECORD.
3.


UNDERPANTS MAN
My name is Walter Hartwell White.
I live at 308 Belmont Avenue,
Ontario, California 91764. I am of
sound mind. To all law enforcement
entities, this is not an admission
of guilt. I'm speaking now to my
family.
(swallows hard)
Skyler .•• you are ••• the love of my
life. I hope you know that.
Walter Junior. You're my big man.
I should have told you things, both
of you. I should have said things.
But I love you both so much. And
our unborn child. And I just want
you to know that these .•• things
you're going to learn about me in
the coming days. These things.
I just want you to know that •.•
no matter what it may look like •.•
I had all three of you in my heart.
The sirens are WAILING now, on top of us. WALTER WHITE, the
underpants man, turns off the camcorder. He carefully sets
it on a bare patch of ground by his feet. Next to it he sets
his wallet, lying open where it can be seen.
CLOSE ON the wallet -- a photo ID card is visible. Walt's
smiling face is on it. It identifies him as a teacher at
J.P. wynne High School, Ontario Unified School District.
Walt pulls the chrome pistol from the back of his waistband,
aiming it across the tall weeds. It glints hard in the sun.
Flashing red LIGHT BARS speed into view, skimming the tops of
the weeds. Heading straight for us.
Walt stands tall in his underpants, not flinching. Off him,
ready to shoot the first cop he sees •••

END TEASER
4.

ACT ONE

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
No president ever slept here. No millionaire ever visited.
This is a three-bedroom RANCHER in a modest neighborhood.
Weekend trips to Home Depot keep it looking tidy, but it'll
never make the cover of "Architectural Digest."
We're in Ontario, California -- the Inland Empire. LEGEND:
"ONE MONTH EARLIER."

INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dark and silent. SKYLER WHITE, late 30s, sleeps peacefully.
Beside her, her husband Walter is wide awake.
Walt reaches over and presses a button on his Sharper Image
alarm clock. It projects the time in glowing blue numbers on
the cottage cheese ceiling: 5:02 AM.
Walt lies motionless. Brain churning. He presses the button
again, staring straight up. 5:02 turns to 5:03.
Close enough. Walt rises without waking his wife. He exits.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT
We hear an o.s. SQUEAK-SQUEAK as we drift through this room.
We pass an empty crib, Pampers, a baby monitor still in its
box. There's going to be a new addition to the family.
We come upon the source of the SQUEAKING. It's Walt balanced
on a Lillian Vernon stair-stepper, just three easy payments
of $29.95. Walt plods up and down in the darkness like he's
marching to Bataan.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Walt sits down on the 7dge of the tub. We're watching his
face in the bathroom Mlrror. He masturbates. Judging by his
expression, he might as well be waiting in line at the DMV.
Walt double-takes, catching sight of himself. Distracted, he
examines the sallow bagginess under his eyes. He draws at
the loose skin under his chin.
Staring at himself long and hard, Walt loses his erection.
He gives up trying, pulls up his sweat pants.
5.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Walter White, a high school chemistry teacher, flees the law in an RV with an unconscious passenger. As he struggles with his guilt, he records a video message for his family, expressing his love and hope for their understanding. With sirens approaching, he stands ready to confront the police.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some graphic content may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and sets up the tone and conflict of the series effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high school chemistry teacher turned meth manufacturer is intriguing and sets the stage for a complex character journey.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up the main conflict and stakes of the series.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of a seemingly ordinary man caught in a dangerous and morally ambiguous situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their actions and emotions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

The main character undergoes a significant change from a mild-mannered teacher to a desperate man willing to do anything for his family.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and ensure they know he loves them, despite the dangerous situation he finds himself in.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade law enforcement and escape the dangerous situation he is in with the RV, dead bodies, and money.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high with the impending danger and the character's desperate actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with law enforcement closing in on the protagonist and the dangerous situation he is in.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the character facing imminent danger and making life-changing decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively sets up the story and propels it forward with the introduction of key elements and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the protagonist and the dangerous situation he finds himself in.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral values and the actions he is forced to take to protect his family. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in the heartfelt video message.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, especially in the video message scene, showcasing the character's inner turmoil.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and the protagonist's desperate situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and setting up the narrative conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a dramatic and attention-grabbing sequence in a cow pasture, setting the tone for the rest of the script.
  • The introduction of the main character, Walter White, is intriguing and sets up a sense of mystery and danger.
  • The use of visual and sensory details, such as the cow dung, noxious chemicals, and dead bodies, creates a vivid and immersive setting.
  • The transition from the chaotic RV crash to Walter recording a video message for his family is a powerful moment that showcases his complex character.
  • The tension and suspense build effectively as sirens approach and Walter prepares to confront law enforcement.
  • The scene effectively establishes Walter's desperation and willingness to take drastic actions to protect his family.
  • The use of Walter's internal thoughts and emotions adds depth to his character and makes him more relatable to the audience.
  • The scene sets up a strong foundation for the rest of the script, hinting at the moral dilemmas and ethical compromises Walter will face.
  • The scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the series and leaves the audience wanting to know more about Walter's journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more dialogue or internal monologue to further explore Walter's motivations and inner turmoil.
  • Focus on developing the relationship between Walter and his family to create more emotional depth and stakes.
  • Consider incorporating more visual symbolism or motifs to enhance the themes of morality, power, and identity.
  • Explore different ways to reveal Walter's backstory and character development throughout the script.
  • Consider adding more subplots or secondary characters to add complexity and depth to the narrative.
  • Experiment with different pacing techniques to build tension and suspense in key moments.
  • Ensure consistency in tone and style throughout the script to maintain a cohesive narrative voice.
  • Seek feedback from beta readers or industry professionals to get additional perspectives on the scene and script as a whole.



Scene 2 -  Breakfast and a Car Wash
INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Walt is dressed for work -- Dockers and a short-sleeve dress
shirt courtesy of Target. An American flag pin on his tie.
He and Skyler eat their breakfast in silence.
Skyler glances up, sees Walt puzzling over his bacon.
SKYLER
Sizzle-Lean. We need to think
about our cholesterol.
WALT
Huh.
Skyler's cute in a way most guys wouldn't have noticed back
in high school. But not soft-cute. Not in the eyes.
She's dressed for staying home -- she's five months pregnant
and just beginning to show.
SKYLER
When'll you be home?
WALT
Same time.
SKYLER
I don't want him dicking you around
tonight. You get paid till six,
you work till six. Not seven.
Seventeen year-old WALTER, JR. enters the kitchen, dressed
for school, hair still damp from the shower. The CLICK •••
CLICK of his forearm crutches precedes him into the room.
Walt and Skyler's son is a sweet-faced teenager who appears
to have cerebral palsy. He moves slowly and awkwardly, and
grinds his teeth as he labors to talk. But he's a smart kid.
WALT
Hey.
Just seating himself at the table is a trial for Walter, Jr.
His parents don't give him the slightest help. They treat
him as if he were able-bodied, which is how he wants it.
SKYLER
You're late.
He shrugs. She gets up, serves him breakfast. Walter, Jr.
squints at the plate she plops down before him.
6.


WALTER, JR.
What's--that?
SKYLER
Sizzle-lean. We're watching our
cholesterol.
WALTER, JR.
Not--me! I want--bacon!
SKYLER
Eat it.
Walter, Jr. picks at his breakfast, annoyed.
WALTER, JR.
What's this--even--made of?!
He looks to his dad for backup. Walt shrugs, ambivalent.
WALT
Eat it.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
J.P. Wynne High School. Home of the Fightin' Skyhawks. Two
thousand-plus students, many of them in overflow trailers.
Into the faculty lot motors a 1991 Nissan wagon. It was a
piece of shit when it rolled off the assembly line, and has
not improved with age. It parks in a handicapped space.
A handicapped placard hangs from the rear-view.
Walt climbs out from behind the wheel, checks his watch.
He's late. Walter, Jr. struggles to get out of the passenger
side. He fumbles with his crutches and his backpack.
WALT
All set?
(off his son's nod)
Alright, see you at home.
Walt grabs his briefcase and hurries toward the building,
leaving his son to work it out for himself -- which is,
again, exactly how Walter, Jr. wants it.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY
Hours later. This is a chemistry classroom -- black-topped
lab tables with gas spigots. Walt is lecturing to seniors.
7.


WALT
Chemistry is the study of what?
STUDENT
(a beat)
Chemicals.
Snickers from the smart kids. Walt smiles.
WALT
Chemicals. No. Change. Chemistry
is the study of change.
(a beat)
Think about it. Electrons change
their orbits, molecules change
their bonds. Elements combine and
change into compounds. That's all
of life, right? The constant •••
(shrug)
The cycle. Solution, dissolution,
over and over.
Walt seems to be talking mostly to himself. A pep talk.
WALT
Growth, decay. Transformation.
It's fascinating, really.
Handsome, blonde CHAD sits slouched in the back with his hand
jammed in the lap of his cheerleader GIRLFRIEND. He whispers
to her and she giggles. Walt snaps out of it.
WALT
Chad, keep your hands to yourself
please. Is there something wrong
with your own table?
Chad sighs heavily and drags his stool back to an adjoining
table. Doing so, he makes as much NOISE as he can.
WALT
Alright, ionic bonds. Chapter six.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - FACULTY WORKROOM - DAY /




Last period. Wide on Walt in the background, who sits alone
in this deserted room. Head down, he grades tests while he
eats a sandwich from home. It's a lonesome tableau.
A physics teacher, MARGARET, enters. She's 30s, redhead,
attractive without being pretty. Sexy, more like.
8.



MARGARET
Heya, Walt.
WALT
Hey, Margaret.
Margaret feeds the soda machine a dollar. Walt stares at her
back a little too long. We feel his interest.
Margaret gets her Diet Coke and turns his way. Walt lowers
his eyes. Margaret joins him at the table, checks her watch.
WALT
Happy Birthday.
MARGARET
(surprised)
How'd you know?
Walt shrugs. Smiles. Margaret does, too.
MARGARET
Thanks.
She fumbles in her purse, comes up with a cigarette and
lighter. She notices Walt's surprised glance.
MARGARET
Be a champ, wouldja? Don't narc.
WALT
(amused by the word)
My lips are sealed.
Margaret lights up and sucks deep. Ohhh yeah. She blows
smoke toward the ceiling, gives it a wave with Walt's papers.
MARGARET
Walt, you are my hero.
Walt glances up at her once more. She catches him doing it,
smiles back and holds his look. He drops his eyes first.
WALT
Those things '11 kill you, you know.
Margaret shrugs, exhales.
MARGARET
Something always does.
9.



EXT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - AFTERNOON
This is one of those 60s Googie-style structures -- faded
space-age futuristic. young Mexicans dry the cars by hand.

INT. VELVET-TOUCH - OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Walt's afternoon part-time job. He works the cash register.
WALT
-- Eight, nine, ten, and ten makes
twenty. Thank you. Come again.
The CUSTOMER wanders off, re-counting his change. Walt
closes his drawer and busies himself with record keeping.
AMIR, the middle-aged Persian owner, argues on the phone.
AMIR
No. Not that is not what I
said. What I said to you --
Amir switches to FARSI. The conversation grows more heated.
Finally, he barks something and hangs up. He turns to Walt.
AMIR
My sister's worthless son -- piece
of shit! Shit! Fired for good
this time!
(sighs; shrugs)
I'll run the register.
WALT
Amir, no. We talked about this.
Inside only. And only till six.
AMIR
I'm short-handed, walter. What am
I to do? What am I to do?
Pissed, Walt unclips his tie, shoves it in his breast pocket.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Slice of Life"]

Summary Walt and his family share an awkward breakfast, setting a tense tone for the day. Despite Skyler's reminder about his work hours, Walt is pressured by his boss, Amir, to work overtime at the car wash. Reluctantly, Walt agrees, leaving the scene with a sense of frustration.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Well-developed characters
  • Subtle tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of major plot progression
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the family dynamics and relationships, introduces key characters, and hints at potential conflicts and developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the daily life of a family with a disabled teenager, a working father, and a pregnant mother is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the mundane yet tense interactions within the family, setting up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on family dynamics, disability, and work-life balance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and relationships that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at potential character growth and changes, especially in the dynamics between family members.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to balance his work responsibilities, family obligations, and personal desires. He struggles with his son's disability, his wife's expectations, and his own sense of identity.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to maintain his job at the car wash, provide for his family, and navigate his interactions with colleagues and customers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There are hints of conflicts within the family, especially regarding expectations, responsibilities, and potential romantic entanglements.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with conflicts arising from the characters' differing goals, values, and desires. The audience is left wondering how these conflicts will play out in future scenes.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, there are hints of potential conflicts and emotional developments that could raise the stakes in the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene lays the groundwork for future plot developments and character arcs, moving the story forward in a subtle yet effective manner.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of character interactions and emotional dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting relationships and underlying tensions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of responsibility, sacrifice, and morality. Walt is torn between doing what is expected of him and following his own desires.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intimacy and tension, setting the stage for emotional developments in the future.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and reveals the dynamics between the family members, as well as hints at underlying tensions and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its realistic dialogue, relatable characters, and underlying tension. The interactions between the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of emotional investment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, developing character dynamics, and conveying the passage of time. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings, character interactions, and thematic development. The pacing and formatting enhance the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It feels disconnected from the previous intense and dramatic events, making it seem out of place in the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue between Walt, Skyler, and Walter Jr. feels forced and unnatural. It doesn't flow smoothly and doesn't reveal much about the characters or move the story forward.
  • The description of the characters and their actions is overly detailed and slows down the pacing of the scene. It would benefit from more concise and impactful descriptions.
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict, which makes it feel flat and unengaging. There is no sense of urgency or stakes to keep the audience invested.
  • The transition from Walt's breakfast at home to his job at the car wash is abrupt and doesn't feel seamless. It would be more effective to have a smoother transition between these two settings.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to make it more connected to the overall narrative and the previous events. It should contribute to the character development and plot progression.
  • Focus on improving the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Each line should reveal something about the characters or move the story forward.
  • Streamline the descriptions of the characters and their actions to maintain a good pacing and keep the audience's attention.
  • Introduce some conflict or tension into the scene to make it more dynamic and interesting. This could involve adding a subplot or revealing more about the characters' motivations.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between different settings and scenes to maintain a cohesive flow in the screenplay.



Scene 3 -  A Triple Overpass and a Drug Bust
EXT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - AFTERNOON
The sun's sinking low. walt -- master's degree, Inland
Empire Science Educator of the Year for '92, '95, and '01
is towel-drying cars alongside the teenage vatos. His slacks
and shoes are spotted with soapy water. He's grim.
Walt is at work on an anthracite BMW 3-Series. As he hunkers
down to Armor-All the tires, we hear:
10.


CHAD (O.S.)
Hey, you missed a spot.
Walt looks up to see handsome CHAD smirking down at him.
young master Chad is tickled pink. This is his Beemer, by
the way. Chad's girlfriend stands in b.g., giggling into her
cell phone. Whispering just loud enough to be heard.
GIRLFRIEND
(into phone)
Ohmigod. Oh -- my -- God. You are
not going to believe •••
She cups a hand over her mouth, turns away. Walt says
nothing. He needs this job. Off him, scrubbing harder •••

INT. NISSAN SENTRA - DRIVING - EVENING
The speedometer vibrates at 86. Walt is alone in the car,
speeding home. Tired and dirty. He's swallowed a lot of
anger today. It's way down deep, but it glows inside him.
The needle creeps up to 91. Things rattle and shake. Walt's
eyes fix on something ahead.
Walt's POV -- through the windshield, it's a straight shot
down the freeway. A mile ahead of us is a TRIPLE OVERPASS.
It's a graceful, swooping thing made of ribbons of white
concrete. It rises up out of the flatlands as we approach,
dwarfing everything for miles around.
Walt studies it. He lets off the gas a little.
Cars crawl the overpass, over and under each other. Endless
strings of white headlights, red taillights. This giant
structure routes them in every direction a person can travel.
Something about it distracts Walt. Occupies him.
Walt coasts underneath it all, staring up at it through his
sunroof. Once he's past it, he speeds up again. He eyes it
in his rearview mirror, then leaves it behind.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - EVENING
Walt's Sentra chugs into the driveway, parking behind a shiny
new VOLVO SUV. Staring at the Volvo, Walt is not happy.
WALT
Oh, shit.
11.



The front door of walt's house opens. Out steps a big,
barrel-chested man with a bourbon in one hand. This is HANK,
Walt's brother-in-law. Hank raises his glass hello. He taps
his watch and shakes his head -- you're late.

EXT. APPLEBEE'S - NIGHT
Deep suburbia. The shiny Volvo SUV is parked in foreground.

INT. APPLEBEE'S - NIGHT
Family night in this chain restaurant. Walt, Skyler and
Walter, Jr. sit in a corner booth with Hank and his wife
MARIE. Marie is Skyler's sister. We see the resemblance.
HANK
Amir, this guy's name is? Jesus.
Call Homeland Security.
MARIE
Hank •••
HANK
I'm serious. Call the FBI, see if
he's legal. Might not be. Ship
his ass back to Camel-Land.
Hank shoots a winning grin at his nephew. Walter, Jr. snorts
with delight as he chews a mouthful of hamburger.
SKYLER
(flat)
I don't know, Hank. Do they
actually have camels in Iran?
MARIE
No. Horses. Arabian stallions.
HANK
Arabian what? Jesus. Camels,
horses -:-;-towel-head is a
towel-head. You're missing my •••
(interrupts himself)
••• And they're not Arabian anyway,
they're Persian. But you're
missing my point here. This guy is
treating your husband like uh, you
know. Door mat. Here Walt is, got
a brain the size of Wisconsin and
he's shampooing dried cum outta
some teenager's back seat?
12.



WALT & SKYLER

HANK
(to Walter, Jr.)
Sorry. You didn't hear that.
(to Walt)
You say the word, I'll go talk to
this guy. I'll set him straight.
Walt gives a pained little smile, shakes his head.
HANK
You sure? Happy to do it.
WALT
No. Thank you. Let's, please,
let's change the subject.
Hank shrugs and drains his beer. He winks at Walter, Jr.,
who grins. The teenager worships his fire-pisser uncle.
Walt can't help but notice. Hank is everything Walt isn't:
bold, brash, confident.
Skyler sips her white wine. Marie stares at her.
MARIE
You're ~ it's okay to drink.
SKYLER
After the first trimester, yes.
It was even in "Newsweek."
MARIE
Well, I didn't see that.
Marie disapproves. prickly. Hank's eyes are on the bar TV.
HANK
Oh, hey! Turn it up!
Hank WHISTLES. The college-age BARTENDER glances at him,
confused. Hank hustles over and keys up the volume on the
nearest TV SET. They're all wired together. Everybody in
the restaurant, like it or not, has to listen to •••
The local news. HANK, the man himself, is being
interviewed on television. He's polished and official.
13.



HANK (ON TV)
-- At which point we apprehended
three individuals and placed them
in custody. I'm proud to say that
the outstanding professionalism
shown by my fellow agents of the
San Bernardino District Office
resulted in a substantial quantity
of methamphetamine being taken off
the street.
An on-screen graphic identifies him as "AGENT HENRY WELD,
D.E.A." The real-live Hank gives a smile and a nod, not just
to his family, but to everyone in the place. Such is the
force of his will that strangers APPLAUD him.
Walter, Jr. holds up a hand, which Hank high-fives.
WALTER, JR.
Damn. TV does--add ten pounds.
HANK
Ah hah-hah. Sit and spin.
Hank rubs the corner of his mouth with his middle finger,
flipping off Walter, Jr. They're like two teenagers.
Walt eats french fries and tries his best to tune everyone
out. Something on TV catches his eye.
It's the spoils of this drug bust. Laid out on a table are
bags and bags of crystal meth and several guns. But also .••
eight big SHOEBOXES full of CASH.
Walt chews his food, watches. Despite himself .•.
WALT
Hank? How much money is that?
HANK
Almost seven hundred thousand.
Pretty good haul.
The TV lingers on fat rolls of $20s rubber-banded together.
It's more currency than Walt has ever seen outside of a heist
movie. He's surprised.
WALT
That's got to be unusual, right?
That kind of cash?
14.



HANK
Mmm. Not the most we ever took.
(to the room)
There's no deficit of total morons
in the drug trade. And they can
make a ton of money, too. At least
until we catch 'em. But we
catch 'em eventually.
Hank flashes his great smile around the room. He notes
Walt's continued interest in the news report. Likes it.
HANK
Walt, just say the word and I'll
take you on a ride-along. You can
watch us knock down a meth lab.
(good-natured)
'Less that's too much excitement
for you.
Walt forces a pained grin and shrugs -- maybe someday.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The lights are off. It's late.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Family"]

Summary Walt, frustrated at work, drives home and notices a triple overpass. At home, his brother-in-law Hank boasts about a drug bust on TV, intriguing Walt with the large amount of cash seized.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Blend of genres
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dinner as a backdrop for discussing crime and personal struggles is unique and intriguing.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and discussions, setting up potential conflicts and tensions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on family dynamics, societal expectations, and personal integrity, offering a nuanced portrayal of the protagonist's struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their dynamics add depth to the scene, especially the contrasting personalities of Walt, Hank, and Marie.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there are hints of potential development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his dignity and self-respect despite feeling humiliated and undervalued at work. This reflects his deeper need for validation and respect.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal in this scene is to navigate the challenges of his family dynamics and societal expectations, particularly in relation to his brother-in-law's condescending behavior and his own financial struggles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying tensions and conflicts within the family dynamic and discussions about crime.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with discussions of crime and potential confrontations between characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening character relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shifts in power dynamics and the protagonist's internal struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between personal integrity and societal expectations. Walt is torn between standing up for himself and conforming to the roles assigned to him by his family and society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to humor, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals character traits and relationships effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, tense interactions, and subtle hints at larger conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with quieter character interactions, creating a sense of rhythm and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from Walt working at the car wash to driving home, but the connection between the two moments feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Chad at the car wash lacks depth and doesn't add much to the scene or character development.
  • The description of Walt's drive home is detailed but lacks a clear purpose or significance to the overall story.
  • The interaction at Applebee's between Walt, Skyler, Walter Jr., Hank, and Marie feels forced and doesn't flow naturally.
  • The dialogue at Applebee's is heavy-handed and lacks subtlety, especially in Hank's characterization and his interactions with the family.
  • The scene doesn't effectively build tension or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but don't contribute significantly to the atmosphere or mood of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the car wash and Walt driving home to create a smoother connection.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful interactions and dialogue at the car wash and Applebee's to deepen character relationships and advance the plot.
  • Streamline the scene to ensure that every moment serves a purpose and moves the story forward.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and engaging atmosphere throughout the scene to keep the audience invested.
  • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to make the interactions feel more authentic and layered.



Scene 4 -  Intimate Reflections
INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Walt, dressed for bed in sweats and a t-shirt, checks himself
out in the bathroom mirror. He's not loving what he sees.
He pulls at the skin under his eyes. He COUGHS a little.
In the bedroom, Sky1er's in her nightgown, sitting at the
computer. She's following the final moments of an auction on
eBay. Walt pads into the room, sits down beside her.
WALT
Which one's this?
SKYLER
(eyes on the screen)
That faux-La1ique vase I picked up
at the flea market.
WALT
How's it doing?
SKYLER
I met my reserve and there's still
two minutes.
15.



Walt nods, sits watching. without taking her eyes off the
screen, Skyler reaches over and slips a hand into Walt's
sweatpants. Walt smirks, surprised.
WALT
What's up?
SKYLER
You tell me.
Skyler plays with him, out of sight below frame. A beat.
SKYLER
What are you doing tomorrow?
WALT
(shrug)
Actually, I was thinking about, urn.
Maybe drive to Cal tech.
SKYLER
You're not gonna mow?
WALT
Yeah, I'll mow. JPL's got an
exhibit of Mars rover photographs.
Supposed to be, the detail ••• just
really amazing. Really beautiful.
SKYLER
I just need you to mow at some
point. I'd do it myself, except it
always throws rocks at me. I think
it needs a new bag.
WALT
I will mow. First thing.
Skyler glances at walt's crotch. Good-naturedly:
SKYLER
What's going on down there?
Is he asleep?
WALT
I'm just ••. we gotta be careful of
the baby.
SKYLER
Don't worry about the baby. This
is for you. We're only doing you
tonight.
16.



Obscured by the computer, Skyler gives Walt a vigorous
handjob with one hand and works the mouse with the other.
SKYLER
Just relax. Just ••• close your
eyes and let it •••
Skyler glances again at her husband. Apparently, there's no
mighty oak sprung from whence the lowly acorn lies.
SKYLER
Just close your eyes.
walt does so, concentrating. Trying hard. Tugging away,
Skyler's attention drifts back to the computer. Completely.
SKYLER
That's it. That's ••• it.
There you go. Keep going. Keep
going. Keep it going. Keep •••
(reacting to the screen)
Yes! Fifty-six.
Walt's eyes open. The thrill is gone.

EXT. CALTECH CAMPUS - DAY
Old Pasadena. Wide greenbelts and dark magnolias. The sign
says "Jet Propulsion Laboratory." Einstein was a visiting
professor at Caltech, once upon a time. This place looks it.

INT. JPL - DAY
MARS fills frame, stark red rocks and red sand. We PAN OFF
this blow-up of Martian terrain -- we're in a hallway mounted
with two dozen such photos, big and striking.
Small in the distance stands Walt. He's not looking at any
of these photos. He's down an adjacent hallway, staring at
something else, instead.
CLOSER ANGLE - WALT
He's studying names engraved on an old plaque. It's a list
of grad students awarded a particular research grant.
Closer. "ORGANIC CHEMISTRY, 1988 -- Walter H. White."
Walt stares at his own name on the plaque. We can't read his
thoughts, but we can guess at them.
17.




EXT. CALTECH CAMPUS - COFFEE STAND - DAY
An outdoor snack bar. Walt sits alone. Around him, young
STUDENTS pore over textbooks or quietly type on laptops.
Walt sips his coffee and stares into space.
At the nearest table, a CHINESE GUY sits with two CHINESE
GIRLS. They're laughing and talking in CANTONESE. They keep
their voices low so their gossip might not be overheard --
but it's not like we have any idea what they're saying.
Walt takes another sip of coffee, carefully sets down the
cup. He looks at his hand for a long moment.
He notices his fingers are TREMBLING slightly. He makes a
fist, squeezes it tight. Opens it.
The Asian students are talking a mile-a-minute, the two girls
giggling. walt glances at them, looks back to his hand. He
presses it flat against the tabletop.
UP-ANGLE -- as seen through this GLASS TOP TABLE, Walt's
fingers stick to the surface. They pull loose with a slow,
gluey SLURP.
CLOSER on Walt. He rubs his mouth, sneaks his fingertips to
his carotid artery just under his ear. He's feeling his
pulse. The furtive whispering in CHINESE fills his head.
He's starting to breathe faster.
His cellphone RINGS. He glances at the readout screen.
"HOME," it says. Walt silences it, tucks the phone back in
his pocket.
Rapid-fire CHINESE is all we hear. Now it gets drowned out
by a sudden WHOOSH that makes Walt blink. It's the whoosh of
the nearby cappuccino machine. It's unnaturally loud, like a
jet engine. Walt's had enough. Time to go.
HIGH ANGLE - DOWN THROUGH THE TREES
Magnolia leaves sway in f.g. We're looking down at Walt,
tiny in the distance, as he rises to his feet. He makes it
three steps before he COLLAPSES, flipping an empty table.
Students look up, hesitate. The Chinese guy and a couple of
others rise to help. Off Walt, lying on his face •.•

END ACT ONE
18.


ACT TWO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Walt and Skyler interact playfully and intimately in their bedroom at night. Skyler bids on an eBay auction while Walt checks himself out in the mirror. They have a sexual encounter before Walt goes to Caltech the next day, where he reflects on his past achievements. The tone is intimate and nostalgic, with no major conflicts present.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of character
  • Intriguing setup for future developments
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Walt's internal struggles and sets up intriguing questions about his character and future actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a seemingly ordinary man facing a breaking point and contemplating drastic changes is compelling and sets up a strong foundation for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing Walt's dissatisfaction and hinting at potential future decisions, adding depth to his character.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting marital intimacy and domestic interactions, with a blend of humor and vulnerability. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into Walt's character, showcasing his inner turmoil, past achievements, and physical vulnerability, making him a complex and intriguing protagonist.

Character Changes: 7

Walt undergoes a subtle shift in this scene, hinting at potential changes and decisions he may make in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and connection with his wife, despite his inner turmoil and struggles. He seeks comfort and distraction from his own thoughts and fears.

External Goal: 6

Walt's external goal is to attend an exhibit at Caltech and engage in a hobby he enjoys, which reflects his desire for intellectual stimulation and escape from his everyday responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and subtle in this scene, focusing on Walt's inner struggles rather than external confrontations.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with Walt's internal struggles and the tension between him and Skyler adding conflict and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more internal and personal in this scene, focusing on Walt's emotional and psychological state rather than immediate danger.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important character developments and hints at future plot points, moving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional shifts and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Walt's internal struggles and the facade he presents to his wife. It challenges his values of honesty and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of empathy and intrigue towards Walt's character, making the audience emotionally invested in his journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to deepen the connection between Walt and Skyler, as well as provide insight into Walt's thoughts and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intimate and relatable interactions between the characters, as well as the subtle tension and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and builds tension effectively, leading to a compelling climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and flows naturally.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a sexual encounter between Walt and Skyler, which feels out of place and unnecessary in the context of the overall story. It doesn't add any depth to the characters or advance the plot.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Skyler during the sexual encounter feels forced and awkward, lacking in authenticity and emotional depth.
  • The transition from the bedroom scene to Walt's visit to Caltech feels abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • The scene at Caltech lacks clear purpose or direction, with Walt aimlessly wandering around and observing random interactions without any meaningful impact on the story.
  • The use of the Chinese students speaking in Cantonese as background noise adds unnecessary distraction and confusion to the scene, detracting from the focus on Walt's internal struggles.
  • The sudden collapse of Walt at the end of the scene feels contrived and melodramatic, lacking in subtlety and nuance.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the sexual encounter between Walt and Skyler to maintain a more focused and cohesive narrative.
  • Refine the dialogue between Walt and Skyler to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Provide a clearer transition between the bedroom scene and Walt's visit to Caltech to improve the overall pacing and coherence of the story.
  • Give Walt a more defined purpose or goal during his visit to Caltech to make the scene more engaging and relevant to the character's development.
  • Avoid unnecessary distractions like the Cantonese-speaking students and focus on enhancing the internal conflict and emotional depth of Walt's character.
  • Reconsider the dramatic collapse of Walt at the end of the scene to ensure it feels more organic and believable within the context of the story.



Scene 5 -  A Disturbing Diagnosis
INT. ER - EXAM ROOM - DAY
Walt is conscious, seems okay. He sits in a blue paper gown,
legs dangling off an exam table. He's alone, waiting.
Absently tapping the table. He's been here for hours.
Muffled RINGING. Walt reaches for his pants, fishes out his
cellphone. "HOME" is yet again displayed on the readout.
Walt considers, answers it.
WALT
Hey.
(a beat)
Yeah, sorry. I had it turned off.
I was, uh •••
(a beat)
Yeah, probably about an hour or so.
Amid the bustle out in the hall, two ER DOCTORS stand
conferring. They're looking at blood chemistry results
first one man studies them, then the other. When one of them
glances back our way, we realize they're talking about Walt.
Walt sees this. He can't hear what they're saying, but it
looks weighty. Walt is anxious. However, he doesn't let it
come through in his voice.
WALT
I'm at Caltech. I ran into an old
professor, we got to talking. I
should be home in about an hour.
Okay.
Walt clicks off. He looks again to the doctors in the hall.
One man nods to the other, walks off. The remaining doctor
puts on his bedside smile and enters Walt's room.
DOCTOR
Sorry for the wait. You can put
your clothes back on.
Walt climbs off the table, steps into his pants.
WALT
I've had it before. Low blood
sugar. Stood up too fast.
He's fishing. The doctor doesn't saying anything, just fills
out a form. Walt pulls on his shirt, buttons it.
19.



WALT
Guess I should've had breakfast
this morning.
DOCTOR
There's a specialist I'd like you
to see. His name is Dr. Belknap.
I should have his •.• card here
somewhere. Yes.
The doctor finds a business card, hands it to Walt. Walt
stands in his socks, staring at the card for a long beat.
WALT
Oncologist •••
DOCTOR
(forced breezy)
It's probably absolutely nothing.

INT. DR. BELKNAP'S OFFICE/EXAM AREA - DAY
Days later. A MONTAGE OF CLOSE-UPS: a blood pressure cuff
gets pumped with a WHOOSH-WHOOSH-WHOOSH; a stethoscope slides
here and there over bare skin; glands get palpated; blood is
drawn; eyes, ears, nose and throat are checked; more blood is
drawn; colorful MRIs pop up on a monitor; still more BLOOD is
drawn. END MONTAGE.
CUT TO -- Walt in his street clothes, sitting in a red
leather chair. He's staring almost directly into camera.
SILENCE. Up from it rises a faint sort of buzzy, shimmering
TINNITUS sound. It's the RINGING in Walt's ears. It gets
louder as we slowly CREEP IN on Walt's face. He's staring at
us blankly. He's staring at:
Walt's POV -- DOCTOR BELKNAP. Dr. Belknap is a balding man
in his late fifties. On a good day, he's maybe avuncular.
He's sitting behind his desk, looking right at us, talking in
slight SLOW-MOTION. We don't hear a single word he's saying.
We only hear the buzzy RINGING.
CLOSER POV -- we tilt down from Belknap's face, his moving
lips, to his doctor's coat. On the pristine white of his
lapel, there's a spot of yellow MUSTARD. We fixate on it.
Suddenly:
DR. BELKNAP
-- Mr. White? Are you listening?
20.


We've snapped out of it. The SOUND in the room is normal.
No more SLOW-MOTION. Walt looks up from the man's lapel.
WALT
Yeah.
DR. BELKNAP
Did you •• ? You understood what
I've said to you?
WALT
Yeah. Multiple myeloma. Stage 3.
(a beat)
Best-case scenario, with chemo,
I'll live another two years.
(off the man's gaze)
It's just, you've got mustard on
your ••• you've got mustard there.
Walt points. Belknap glances down at the spot on his lapel,
then back up at Walt. He has no idea what to say to that.
Off Walt, looking very matter-of-fact ••• disconcertingly so:

INT. VELVET-TOUCH CAR WASH - OFFICE - EVENING
Same clothes, same day -- Walt came to work straight from
getting his terrible news. He's on autopilot, standing
behind the cash register. The BUZZ is back in his head.
Amir is in the b.g., arguing on the phone in Farsi. The
sound is muted. We can barely hear him. We don't know what
he's yelling about anyway -- it's pointless, doesn't matter.
We're on Walt, who simply stares into space.
No customers. Walt suddenly jerks, like a tiny zap of
electricity goes through him. He steps out from behind the
counter and exits. Amir doesn't notice him leave.
As seen through the windows, Walt pads along like a zombie
and nearly gets run over by a car. The vatos all watch,
confused, as Walt climbs in his Nissan and drives away.

INT. NISSAN SENTRA - DRIVING - EVENING
Walt drives. Not speeding. No expression on his face.
His POV: it's a straight shot up the 10 Freeway. The
familiar TRIPLE OVERPASS looms ahead in the distance.
Walt stares at it like it's the monolith in "2001."
21.



EXT. OVERPASS - CONTINUOUS
An AERIAL VIEW, looking straight down at this vast and
complex concrete knot. Walt's tiny Nissan is an ant
trundling toward it. The car disappears from view
underneath, as if being swallowed.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING
A glass of white wine. Sky1er stands talking on the phone.
SKYLER
(into phone)
Absolutely. I sent it to you on
the third. It's number ••• wait a
minute, let me get my checkbook.
She cups a hand over the phone, does nothing. After a beat:
SKYLER
(into phone)
Here it is. It's check number
1148. So mY records show I paid
that, and I certainly don't feel
like we owe any late •••
(listens)
Alright. I guess then I'll check
with my bank and, I don't know, if
the post office lost it or
something .•• alright then. Let me
look into that. Thank you.
Walt enters, hearing the tail-end. Skyler hangs up.
SKYLER
You're home early.
Walt nods, finds a beer in the fridge. His fingers tremble a
little as he pries off the cap. Skyler doesn't notice --
she's sifting through a stack of bills.
Walt sits at the table. He drinks deep, rubs his mouth.
SKYLER
How was your day?
WALT
You know. Same.
22.


SKYLER
Don't tell me Amir's sending you
home at five now.
WALT
No, just. Today.
SKYLER
(studying a bill)
Did you use the MasterCard last
month? $15.88 at Staples?
WALT
Uh. We needed printer paper.
SKYLER
Walt, the MasterCard's the one we
don't use.
Walt nods, overwhelmed and hiding it. Skyler doesn't know
about his doctor's appointment. Even if Walt wants to tell
her, something stops him. He sips his beer, stares.
Loud MACHINE GUN FIRE startles them both. Skyler yells into
the living room.
SKYLER
DAMMIT, WALTER 1 TURN THAT DOWN 1
(more GUNFIRE)
Go talk to him.
Walt rises, sets his bottle in the sink.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Walt anxiously awaits a diagnosis in an exam room and receives a devastating phone call. While undergoing tests, he learns he has stage 3 multiple myeloma and only two years to live. Emotionally overwhelmed, he leaves work abruptly and nearly has an accident. At home, he appears withdrawn, hiding his diagnosis from Skyler. Despite their financial concerns, Skyler remains unaware of Walt's inner turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic character reactions
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively setting up a major turning point in the story with Walt's cancer diagnosis. The emotional depth and tension are palpable throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Walt receiving a cancer diagnosis is a pivotal moment in the series, setting the stage for his transformation and descent into the criminal world.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Walt's diagnosis, introducing a major obstacle for the character and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of mortality and illness, exploring the protagonist's emotional journey with authenticity and depth. The dialogue and character interactions feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt and Skyler, are portrayed realistically and their reactions to the news feel genuine and impactful.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant change in this scene, shifting from his previous life as a high school teacher to a man facing his mortality and contemplating drastic actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to process the news of his diagnosis and come to terms with his mortality. He is trying to maintain composure and normalcy despite the devastating news.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to navigate the medical system and follow the doctor's recommendations for treatment. He is faced with the challenge of accepting his diagnosis and making decisions about his health.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Walt, as he processes the news of his diagnosis and contemplates his next steps, drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the protagonist's internal conflict and the uncertainty of his diagnosis. The emotional turmoil and the challenges he faces create a sense of tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walt grapples with his diagnosis and the uncertainty of his future, leading to potentially life-altering decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major obstacle for the protagonist and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the protagonist's emotional journey and the challenges he faces. However, the emotional depth and character interactions add layers of complexity and keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around Walt's acceptance of his mortality and the uncertainty of life. He struggles with the idea of facing death and the impact it will have on his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Walt's diagnosis is profound, eliciting sympathy and empathy from the audience as they witness his struggle.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is understated but powerful, conveying the emotional weight of the situation without being overly dramatic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and the protagonist's internal struggle with a life-changing diagnosis. The tension and uncertainty keep the audience invested in Walt's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the protagonist's internal struggle. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue, and character actions. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Walt's sense of anxiety and uncertainty as he waits in the exam room and receives the news of his diagnosis.
  • The use of visual and auditory cues, such as the buzzing sound in Walt's head and the ringing in his ears, adds depth to the scene and enhances the viewer's understanding of Walt's emotional state.
  • The interaction between Walt and the doctor is well-written and realistic, capturing the awkwardness and tension of the moment.
  • The transition to Walt driving home and his subsequent behavior at the car wash effectively shows his internal turmoil and detachment from his surroundings.
  • The scene at home with Skyler highlights the growing tension and financial strain in their relationship, adding to the overall sense of unease and conflict in Walt's life.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or voiceover from Walt to provide insight into his thoughts and emotions during the scene.
  • Explore ways to visually represent Walt's inner turmoil and fear more explicitly, perhaps through flashbacks or dream sequences.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Walt and Skyler to further emphasize the strain in their relationship and Walt's reluctance to share his diagnosis.
  • Introduce more visual cues or symbolism to underscore Walt's deteriorating mental state and increasing desperation.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle hints or foreshadowing of Walt's future actions and decisions to build suspense and intrigue for the audience.



Scene 6 -  Walt's Epiphany
INT. WHITE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The end of "Scarface" plays on the TV. TONY MONTANA, with
his mountain of cocaine and his M-16, takes on all comers.
Walter, Jr. is sprawled on the couch, watching. His crutches
are leaned against the armrest.
WALTER, JR.
Hey.
WALT
Hey.
(watches TV, remembers)
Your Mom wants you to turn it down.
WALTER, JR.
Shit, come--on. This is--the best--
Wait, wait •••
23.



TONY MONTANA (ON TV)
COME AN' MEET MY LEETLE FRIEND!
WALTER, JR.
Oh--damnl Hell, yeahl
Walter, Jr. awkwardly pumps his fist. Walt keeps watching.
WALT
DVD?
WALTER, JR.
(nods)
Uncle Hank--gave--it to me.
Walt's eyes stay on the screen. The garish little kingpin
mows down acres of Columbians, then dies in a blaze of glory.
Off Walt, whose thoughts are unknown to us •••

INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Glowing blue numbers project on the cottage cheese ceiling:
4:26 AM. Walt lies awake beside his sleeping wife.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT
SQUEAK-SQUEAK, SQUEAK-SQUEAK. Walt thumps up and down on his
cheapie stair-stepper. He speeds up -- faster than the last
time. Thump, thump, thump. As seen through the bars of the
empty crib, he's really working it hard.
Sweat beads on his face. Bam, bam, bam. Faster, faster.
Harder. Violent. Sweat drips off his nose. until--
-- CRACK. He BREAKS the stair-stepper. One footpad snaps
free, hangs limp. Walt steps off and examines it.
He stares down at it for the longest time. We CREEP IN on
his face. The thousand-yard stare he's had since Doctor
Belknap's office gives way to something else now.
WALT
Two years.
He says it barely audibly. It's like the clouds have parted.
The situation has finally, truly registered in Walt's brain.
24.



EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAWN
Early morning. A faint glow in the sky. Silence except for
the THWACK ••• THWACK of the NEWSPAPER GUY driving past.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAWN
walt sits alone at the kitchen table, staring into space.
Deep in thought. Considering something carefully. He rises,
picks up the phone and dials. Keeps his voice low.
WALT
Hank? Hey, it's Walt. I didn't
wake you, did I?
(a beat)
Good. Listen, I've been thinking.
Could I take you up on your offer?
The ride-along?
CUT TO:

EXT. BLUE-COLLAR NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING
A different morning -- these things take time to set up.
We're in a neighborhood not unlike Walt's. A non-descript
Ford is parked at the curb, blended in with the other cars.
HANK (O.S.)
It's down there on the cul-de-sac.
White? Kinda redwood-looking trim?

INT. FORD - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Hank sits behind the wheel. A subordinate agent, GOMEZ, is
beside him. Hank is pointing out the TARGET HOUSE to Walt,
who sits in the back seat in an ill-fitting bulletproof vest.
HANK
See it?
WALT
Yeah.
Tiny house, a block down the street. Not at all noteworthy.
WALT
(quiet interest)
That's a meth lab.
25.



HANK
So says our snitch. Says some dude
who goes by "Cap' n Cook" lives up
to his name in there. Got himself
a three pound flask and keeps it
bubbling day and night. Says he
always adds a dash of chili powder.
(to Gomez)
Ah, you exuberant Mexicans.
GOMEZ
Uh-uh. "Cap'n Cook?" that's a
white boy's name. Dopey as hell.
HANK
Yeah? I got twenty bucks says he's
a beaner.
GOMEZ
You're on.
A yellow SCHOOL BUS chugs into frame, driving past.
HANK
Ah, here we go. Finally.
(into his radio)
School bus is clear. You got the
green light.
An affirmation comes back. Hank starts his engine.
HANK
(smiling, to Walt)
watch this. This makes 'em shit.
Out of the distance, we hear a BIG ENGINE REVVING, speeding
our way. A TRUCK roars past, heading for the cul-de-sac.
Hank slowly follows it in his Ford -- just so Walt can see.
Hank hums Ride Of The Valkyries, channeling "Apocalypse Now."
Walt's POV: as seen through the windshield, the lead truck
goes speeding into the target house's driveway. An ENTRY
TEAM of six agents jumps out, looking like they just came
from the set of a sci-fi movie -- they're covered head-to-toe
in CHEMICAL SUITS and RESPIRATOR GEAR. They carry carbines
and shotguns. One man lugs a battering ram.
HANK
Meth labs are nasty on a good day --
but when you mix that stuff wrong,
you wind up with mustard gas.
26.


WALT
Phosgene gas, I think.
HANK
Yeah, exactly. One whiff'll kill
you. That's why the moon suits.
Walt nods, watches the entry team take position at the door.

INT. TARGET HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
To call this a shithole would be an insult to shitholes
everywhere. There's filthy clothes, overflowing garbage,
rotting pizza boxes dating to the Clinton administration •••
along with stacked cannisters of plumber's lye and Coleman
stove fuel. A rambling, Rube Goldberg lab of hoses and
buckets stands out against the knotty pine panelling.
A Mexican man, EMILIO, sits at the kitchen table, listening
to headphones -- oblivious to the o.s. BANGING at the door.
He's got an enormous mound of RED POWDER in front of him, and
an even bigger pile of MATCHBOOKS on the floor.
He scrapes off the striker strips and collects the powder.
This is a source of red phosphorus for meth production.
BOOOM! The front door busts open. Feds pour in, pointing
guns and breathing through their masks like Darth Vader.
Emilio nearly pisses himself. He starts to run for it, but
doesn't get far. The agents hold him down, cuff him.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Walt Jr. defies his parents and watches a violent movie featuring a drug lord. Walt, lost in thought about his cancer diagnosis, ignores his son's behavior. The next morning, Walt pushes himself too hard while exercising, breaking the machine. Realizing the severity of his condition, Walt enlists Hank's help in raiding a meth lab, leading to the arrest of a suspect. Walt's decision to confront his situation marks a turning point in his journey.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling character development
  • High stakes
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and sets up significant developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Walt's transformation into a criminal mastermind is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of Walt's involvement in the drug trade and the raid on the meth lab.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the internal struggles of the protagonist and blending action with introspection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially Walt, whose internal conflict is palpable.

Character Changes: 9

Walt undergoes a significant change as he decides to enter the world of crime, setting the stage for his transformation throughout the series.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the reality of his situation and make a decision about his involvement in criminal activities. This reflects his deeper need for control and power, as well as his fear of losing his family and reputation.

External Goal: 7.5

Walt's external goal is to decide whether to go on a ride-along with Hank, which reflects the immediate challenge of choosing between his normal life and the criminal world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt's desire for financial security and his moral compass is central to the scene, as well as the intense raid on the meth lab.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and external challenges that push Walt to make difficult decisions. The audience is left wondering about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with Walt's terminal illness, his decision to get involved in illegal activities, and the dangerous raid on the meth lab.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key plot points and character developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Walt's decision-making process and the introduction of new challenges and conflicts. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's desire for power and control through criminal activities and his moral compass that questions the consequences of his actions. This challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and the value of family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from shock at Walt's diagnosis to tension during the raid.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and serves to build tension and reveal character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of action, suspense, and character development. The audience is drawn into Walt's internal conflict and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of slow introspective moments and fast-paced action sequences. It keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and a buildup of tension towards the climax. It adheres to the expected structure for a crime drama genre.


Critique
  • The transition from the end of the previous scene to this scene is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain continuity.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in purpose.
  • The dialogue between Walter Jr. and Walt feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging for the audience.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but could be more impactful in conveying the emotions and atmosphere of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and could benefit from more tension or urgency to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clearer objective or conflict for Walt in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Work on developing more natural and meaningful dialogue between Walter Jr. and Walt to deepen their relationship and add depth to their characters.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting that reflects the emotions and tone of the scene.
  • Explore ways to increase the tension and stakes in the scene to keep the audience invested in the story.
  • Consider revising the transition into this scene to ensure a smoother flow from the previous scene and maintain continuity.



Scene 7 -  The Encounter with Dupree
EXT. TARGET HOUSE - MORNING
Hank, Gomez and Walt wait in the Ford. The RADIO crackles.
AGENT (RADIO V.O.)
House is clear. We've got one
suspect in custody.
HANK
Copy that. The suspect ••• might he
be of the Latin persuasion?
AGENT (RADIO V.O.)
Si, Senor.
Hank triumphantly puts a hand out. Gomez grumbles and pays
him his twenty.
27.


HANK
Cheer up. You people still got
J. Lo.
(grins at Walt)
How you doing back there, buddy?
This sure as hell beats spending
your day clapping erasers, huh?
Walt smiles, acts agreeable. Hank turns to Gomez.
HANK
I made the mistake of watching
"Jeopardy" with this dude one time.
He is a stud, Gomez. He's a
brainiac. BEEP! "What is E equals
MC squared, Alex?" BEEP! "What
is, like, freaking .•• Shakespeare?
Hamlet?" I'm telling you Walt, you
shoulda gone on that show. You'da
cleaned up.
GOMEZ
Right on, man.
HANK
(to Gomez)
Shit, you don't know the half of
it. Two big companies wanted him
while he was still in college.
He coulda written his own ticket.
Hank looks to Walt for confirmation. Walt stares out the
window, barely shrugs -- and changes the subject.
WALT
Hank? Do you think I might get to
go inside? See the lab?
HANK
Yeah, tell you what -- we're gonna
go peek our heads in, check it out.
Stay here a minute.
Hank and Gomez exit the car, leaving Walt behind.
Walt's pleasant demeanor fades. Spending time with Hank is
hard for him. While feds in moon suits come and go across
the lawn, Walt's attention drifts to the HOUSE NEXT DOOR.
He double-takes, noticing a high WINDOW get raised. It's out
of sight of the D.E.A. agents. Only Walt can see as •••
28 •


••• A DUDE dressed only in underpants backs out the window.
He dangles for a moment, then drops eight feet to the grass.
This guy is white, gawky, early 20s -- picture a hip Shaggy
from "Scooby Doo." His sneakers come tumbling from the
window, nearly hitting him in the head. Above him, a naked
HOUSEWIFE leans out, boobs dangling, frantically tossing him
his jeans, his socks, his Cypress Hill T-shirt.
The kid dresses at mach speed, peeks around the corner of the
house. He's desperate not to be seen by the feds.
Walt watches, jaw slackening. He can't believe his eyes.
He recognizes this kid. He knows him.
WALT
(to himself)
God. Dupree .. ?
It's like a psychic connection -- at this moment, the kid,
MARION ALAN DUPREE, feels eyes on him. He turns and looks,
even more shocked to see Walt than Walt is to see him.
Staring at walt, Dupree swallows hard, puts a finger to his
lips -- shhh. Keeping one eye on the D.E.A., he hurries to
an old Daytona parked on the curb.
As it creeps away, Walt notes the license plate: "THE CAPN."
Nobody sees any of this but Walt. He climbs out of the back
of the Ford, watching Dupree go. He still can't believe it.
Hank surprises him, having walked up behind him carrying a
shoebox in a big evidence bag. It's stuffed full of CASH.
HANK
Hey, check it out, walt -- these
assholes like their shoeboxes
better'n Bank Of America.
Walt stares at all that beautiful green, turns and glances
back down the street. The Daytona is gone.
HANK
Whatcha looking at?
WALT
(a beat)
Nothing.
HANK
Wanna come meet a bad guy?
29.


Walt nods, follows him to the house. He's not going to tell
Hank what he knows.

EXT. BUNGALOW STREET - NIGHT
We're in an old neighborhood of Sears-Roebuck cottages up in
the foothills. One particular bungalow is shabbier than the
rest. Its paint peels off like sunburned skin.

EXT. BUNGALOW - BACK YARD - NIGHT
"THE CAPN" license plate gets covered -- Dupree is out here
in the darkness, hurriedly draping his Daytona with a tarp.
He's antsy as hell. Hearing FOOTSTEPS, he grabs a tire iron,
crouches behind the car. The FOOTSTEPS slow, stop.
WALT (0. S. )
It's me. I'm alone.
Walt appears out of the blackness. Dupree slowly rises.
After a wary beat:
DUPREE
How'd you find me?
WALT
You're still in our filing system.
Your aunt owns this place, right?
DUPREE
I own it.
Walt nods. Whatever. He glances at the tarp.
WALT
Nobody's looking for you.
DUPREE
what do you want?
WALT
I was curious.
(a beat; shrug)
Honestly, I never expected you to
amount to much. Methamphetamine,
though. I didn't picture that.
(off the silence)
Lotta money in it, huh?
30.



Dupree peers into the darkness beyond Walt, wonders who else
is out there. His hand tightens around the tire iron.
DUPREE
I don't know what you're talking
about.
WALT
No?
DUPREE
No freakin' clue.
WALT
Huh. Cap'n Cook? That's not you?
(off his head shake)
Like I said, no one's looking for
you. I didn't tell anyone.
Dupree grows more agitated. His voice stays low.
DUPREE
I don't know what you think you're
doing here, Mr. White. If you're
planning on giving me some bullshit
about getting right with Jesus or
something, turning myself in --
WALT
No. Not really.
DUPREE
You ain't "Welcome Back, Kotter,"
so step off. No speeches.
Dupree points the tire iron for emphasis. Walt should leave,
but he doesn't. Instead •••
WALT
Short speech. You lost your
partner today. What's-his-name,
Emilio? Emilio's going to prison.
The D.E.A. took your money, your
lab. You got nothing. Square one.
But you know the business, and I
know the chemistry. I'm thinking.
Maybe you and I ••• partner up.
Long, pregnant silence. Dupree can't believe his ears.
31.



DUPREE
You -- wanna cook crystal meth.
(off Walt's nod)
You. You and me.
Walt means it. Dupree breaks into a crooked, spreading grin.
Before he can laugh out loud
WALT
Either that, or I turn you in.
Dupree's smile fades. Off Walt, serious as a heart attack •••

END ACT TWO
32.


ACT THREE
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Walt, Hank, and Gomez witness Dupree's escape from a raided house. They confront him at a bungalow, where Walt offers to partner with him in meth production, promising more knowledge and money. Dupree is hesitant but intrigued, leaving their confrontation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Unexpected plot twist
  • Character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical description
  • Lack of detailed setting description

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up a major turning point in the plot with Walt's decision to partner with Dupree. The dialogue is sharp and the tension is palpable, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Walt partnering with a former student to cook crystal meth is a bold and unexpected move, adding complexity and intrigue to the storyline. It sets the stage for significant character development and conflict.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a dramatic turn as Walt encounters Dupree and proposes a partnership, setting up a major conflict and driving the story forward. The scene is pivotal in advancing the narrative and raising the stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as unexpected encounters and moral dilemmas, while also grounding the characters in authentic dialogue and actions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Walt and Dupree are well-developed in this scene, with Walt's bold proposition showcasing his desperation and willingness to take risks. Dupree's reaction adds depth to his character and sets up an intriguing dynamic between the two.

Character Changes: 8

Both Walt and Dupree undergo significant changes in this scene, with Walt taking a drastic step towards criminal activity and Dupree facing unexpected opportunities and challenges. Their dynamic evolves, setting the stage for complex character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to maintain his facade of agreeableness and compliance with Hank, while also grappling with his past and unexpected encounters with familiar faces.

External Goal: 9

Walt's external goal is to navigate the dangerous world of drug dealing and potentially form a partnership with Dupree to continue his illegal activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with Walt facing internal and external conflicts as he navigates the decision to partner with Dupree. The high stakes and moral dilemmas create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt and Dupree facing off in a tense and potentially dangerous encounter, adding depth to their relationship and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Walt considers entering the dangerous world of drug manufacturing to secure his family's future. The decision to partner with Dupree has significant consequences and raises the tension and suspense of the storyline.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major plot development and setting up future conflicts and challenges for the characters. Walt's decision to partner with Dupree has far-reaching consequences that drive the narrative in new directions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to unexpected character interactions and revelations, adding depth to the narrative and keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around Walt's moral ambiguity and willingness to engage in criminal activities for personal gain, contrasting with Dupree's desperation and potential for redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to intrigue and anticipation. Walt's bold proposition and Dupree's reaction add emotional depth to the characters and set the stage for future developments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and impactful, effectively conveying the tension between Walt and Dupree as they discuss the potential partnership. The dialogue drives the scene forward and reveals key aspects of the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful and character-driven moment, building tension and setting up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong setup of Hank, Gomez, and Walt waiting outside the target house, but the transition to the conversation feels a bit abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Hank and Walt about 'Jeopardy' and Walt's intelligence seems forced and doesn't flow naturally.
  • Walt's behavior and reactions in the scene are inconsistent - he goes from smiling and agreeable to distant and uninterested without a clear reason.
  • The introduction of Marion Alan Dupree feels rushed and lacks depth, making it hard for the audience to connect with the character.
  • The interaction between Walt and Dupree lacks tension and suspense, which is crucial for a scene involving a potential partnership in illegal activities.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Dupree could be more impactful and engaging to create a sense of intrigue and conflict.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or cliffhanger to lead into the next act.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition into the conversation between Hank, Gomez, and Walt to make it more seamless.
  • Work on making the dialogue between characters more natural and reflective of their personalities.
  • Develop Walt's character arc and motivations more clearly throughout the scene to maintain consistency.
  • Give more depth to the introduction of Marion Alan Dupree to make his character more compelling and memorable.
  • Enhance the tension and conflict in the interaction between Walt and Dupree to keep the audience engaged.
  • Revise the dialogue between Walt and Dupree to make it more impactful and set up a stronger foundation for their potential partnership.
  • Consider adding a stronger ending or cliffhanger to create anticipation for the next act.



Scene 8 -  Domestic Chaos and Secret Preparations
INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Brown shipping tape gets pulled off its roll with a SKRRECK!
skyler seals a cardboard box, readies it for the post office.
The kitchen table is stacked with bubble wrap and boxes.
Marie helps pack. She holds up an item.
MARIE
What the hell is this?
SKYLER
Damned if I know. I described it
as a "mid-century objet d'art."
MARIE
And somebody bought it?
SKYLER
Some guy in Minneapolis. Fourteen
dollars plus shipping and I got
it at a yard sale for eighty cents.
God, I love eBay.
Marie shakes her head, bubble-wraps the objet.
MARIE
At this rate, in fifty or sixty
years you'll be rich.
That's the dynamic -- Marie is constantly yitzing her older
sister. Sometimes, she's not even aware she's doing it.
She's just naturally negative. And competitive.
MARIE
What's up with Walt lately?
SKYLER
He's fine. What do you mean?
MARIE
He just seems ••• I don't know.
Quieter than usual.
Skyler thinks about it, shrugs.
SKYLER
Turning forty was a big deal. I
know I'm not looking forward to it.
(smirk)
You -- are gonna be a basket-case.
33.



MARIE
SO, it's a mid-life crisis.
SKYLER
NQ. He's just. Quiet.
MARIE
(a beat)
How's the sex?
SKYLER
Marie! Jesus.
Marie holds up her hands. Whatever. Irked, Skyler runs her
tape gun over the top of a box -- SKKKRRRECK. A beat or two.
MARIE
(mumbles)
Guess that answers that.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
Walt's chern lab is empty -- school has ended for the day.
Hurrying around, Walt peers in cabinets high and low, pulls
out FLASKS, BEAKERS, TUBING, STANDS and BURNERS. He gathers
all this up, loads it in a cardboard box.
He pauses, hit by a brief fit of COUGHING. He recovers,
sniffs and feels his chest with his fingertips. Margaret the
physics teacher sticks her head in the door behind him.
MARGARET
Hey, you're still here.
WALT
Oh, hey.
MARGARET
I missed lunch -- I was thinking of
swinging by T.G.I. Fridays. I
could use a drink. How 'bout you?
Walt clearly would like to join her, and she knows it.
WALT
Shoot, I can't. My other job.
MARGARET
Okay. Some other time.
(notices the box)
Whatcha doing?
34.



WALT
Oh. Inventory. Not a week goes by
my kids don't break two or three
pieces of glassware.
Margaret considers. Does she believe him? We don't know.
But then she winks at him, leaves. Walt glances at his box
full of school property. Shit, that was close. He carries
it to the door, pauses to peek out. No witnesses.
Walt flicks off the classroom lights with his back, then
humps the heavy box down the hall and out of the building.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary While Skyler and Marie discuss Walt's concerning behavior, Walt secretly gathers lab equipment from the high school, facing potential consequences in the process.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humor mixed with drama
  • Exploration of personal struggles and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action or high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and drama to create a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring mid-life crisis, family dynamics, and personal reflection is well-executed in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on character interactions and inner thoughts rather than external events, providing depth to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on domestic drama, combining elements of humor, tension, and subtle character development. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Skyler, Marie, and Walt are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Skyler's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of control and normalcy in her life, despite the challenges she faces. This reflects her need for stability and financial security.

External Goal: 7

Skyler's external goal is to successfully sell items on eBay to make money. This reflects her immediate need to generate income for her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is more internal and subtle, focusing on personal struggles and relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with hints of conflict and tension between the characters. The audience is left wondering about the true motivations and intentions of the characters.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides insight into the characters' lives and relationships, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in character dynamics and the unexpected revelations about the characters' motivations and desires.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' attitudes towards money, success, and aging. Skyler's focus on making a profit contrasts with Marie's skepticism and sarcasm, highlighting different values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from humor to introspection, creating a meaningful impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the personalities and relationships of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and subtle tension. The audience is drawn into the characters' lives and relationships, wanting to know more about their struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene moving forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, maintaining the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it meanders between Skyler and Marie packing items for eBay and Walt gathering lab equipment from the high school chemistry lab.
  • The dialogue between Skyler and Marie feels forced and unnatural, with Marie constantly yitzing her sister and asking inappropriate questions about Walt's sex life.
  • The dynamic between Skyler and Marie could be more subtly portrayed, with Marie's negative and competitive nature coming across in a more nuanced way.
  • The transition from the kitchen to the high school classroom feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow between the two locations.
  • Walt's interaction with Margaret the physics teacher feels contrived and lacks depth, failing to add any meaningful development to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves to advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
  • Refine the dialogue between Skyler and Marie to make it more realistic and reflective of their relationship dynamics.
  • Focus on subtlety and nuance in portraying the dynamic between Skyler and Marie, avoiding heavy-handed or exaggerated interactions.
  • Improve the transition between locations by establishing a smoother connection between the kitchen and the high school classroom.
  • Enhance Walt's interaction with Margaret by adding depth and authenticity to their conversation, making it more engaging and relevant to the overall story.



Scene 9 -  Meth Cooking Confrontation
EXT. BUNGALOW - AFTERNOON
Dupree sits on his front porch, drinking a long-neck beer and
glowering. Walt's Nissan putters into view, reverses and
backs into Dupree's driveway. Walt climbs out, jazzed.
WALT
Look what I got.
Walt opens his hatchback. Dupree doesn't budge. Walt stares
at him -- a teacher staring at a recalcitrant student --
until Dupree slouches down the steps.
WALT
Quit my part-time job -- I've got
four hours to devote to this every
afternoon. And •••
Walt lifts a blanket, revealing his CARGO. Lots of goodies.
Dupree peers at the stolen lab gear, pulls something out.
WALT
Ah. Kjeldahl-style recovery flask,
2000 milliliters. Very nice. You
got your Griffin beakers, you got
your volumetric. But check this
out -- the piece de resistance.
Round bottom boiling flask, 5000
milliliters.
Big. Dupree wipes his nose with his sleeve, refusing to be
impressed. He points to something else instead.
DUPREE
I cook in one of those. A big one.
WALT
This? This is an Erlenmeyer flask.
You wouldn't cook in one of these.
35.



DUPREE
Yeah. I do.
WALT
No, you don't. An Erlenmeyer flask
is for general mixing and
titration. You do not apply heat
to an Erlenmeyer flask. That's
what the boiling flask is for.
Did you not learn anything in my
chemistry class?
DUPREE
No. You flunked me, remember?
Prick? And let me tell you
something else -- this shit ain't
chemistry. This shit is art.
Cooking is art. The shit I cook is
the bomb, so don't be telling ~!
WALT
The shit you cook is shit.
I saw your setup. Ridiculous.
(firm)
You and I will not make garbage.
We will produce a chemically pure
and stable product that performs as
advertised. No adulterants.
No baby formula. No chili powder.
DUPREE
Chili P's my signature!
Walt shakes his head -- not anymore.
DUPREE
Yeah, well we'll see about that.
The hell's all this?
He pulls out heavy LAB APRONS, GLOVES, RESPIRATORS. These
are the respirators we saw Walt and Dupree wearing in the
Teaser (Dupree was Walt's unconscious PASSENGER, by the way).
WALT
Lab safety. We're also gonna have
an emergency eye wash station.
These chemicals and their fumes are
toxic or didn't you know that?
Dupree holds up an apron, snorts.
36.



DUPREE
Hey, you can dress up like a faggot
if you want. Not me.
Walt glares at him, losing patience. Dupree roots through
the piles of RAW SUPPLIES walt has brought along.
DUPREE
Stove fuel ••• not enoug~ of it.
Lye. You got the gener1c crap.
Red Devil's better. Iodine,
matches ••• also not my brand.
W~T
Somehow, we'll manage.
(points)
Sinus tablets. That should be
enough pseudoephedrine to produce
the first pound. Then I'm thinking
we can switch to a proper phenyl-2-
propanone method.
Dupree's not listening. Instead, he's noticed something
about Walt's shopping bags. They're all the SAME.
DUPREE
Wait. Tell me you didn't buy all
this from one single goddamn store.
W~T
Why?
DUPREE
Jesus! They know what you're doing
with this! Any goddamn retard they
got workin' a register's gonna know
you're making crystal! You're
probably on some list now!
(as if to a child)
You buy -- your supplies
piecemeal. One store at a time,
one item at a time.
Walt looks worried now. Chastened.
W~T
It was way over in West Covina.
I paid cash. Nobody seemed to •••
Dupree considers Walt. Studies him like he's from Mars.
37.


DUPREE
Acting like some skippy little
bitch. Like this is fun and games.
This shit is shit you take --
serious.
walt suppresses his anger, stares at him evenly.
WALT
Life and death.

EXT. BUNGALOW - GARAGE/BACK YARD - AFTERNOON
Chemicals, labware, supplies -- the last of the carload of
stuff Walt brought gets packed into a back corner of Dupree's
messy old garage. Dupree covers it with a tarp.
DUPREE
This doesn't stay more than a day.
WALT
What, aren't we gonna cook here?
DUPREE
No, we're not gonna cook here.
This is my house. I don't shit
where I eat.
WALT
Then where are we going to work?
DUPREE
You tell me. This is your deal,
man. You wanna smoke it up, smoke
it up at your house.
(off Walt's look)
Nah. I didn't think so. Oh, well.
Silence as Walt considers. Stubs at the dirt with his heel.
WALT
What if we rented a self-storage
place? One of those little orange
garages? Worked out of there?
DUPREE
Nah, they're onto that. They got
dogs that sniff around.
(grudgingly)
RV. That's what you want.
38.



WALT
What, like a Winnebago?
DUPREE
I know a dude wants to sell his.
He just goes camping with it -- but
a mobile meth lab'd be the bomb.
You can drive way out in th-e---
boonies. Be all evasive.
(gauging Walt's interest)
Forty-five hundred'd get you in.
Off Walt, already calculating how to swing this:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Walt arrives at Dupree's house with stolen lab equipment, eager to start cooking meth. However, Dupree is critical of Walt's methods and lack of safety precautions. They argue about proper cooking techniques and the risk of attracting attention. Ultimately, they decide not to cook at Dupree's house and consider renting an RV as a mobile meth lab.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of drug production

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial turning point in the story with Walt and Dupree's confrontation, showcasing strong character dynamics and advancing the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of setting up a meth lab and the detailed discussion of lab equipment and chemistry adds depth to the scene, setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Walt and Dupree discuss their plans for the meth lab, introducing high stakes and conflict that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the drug trade genre by focusing on the characters' conflicting approaches to drug production and their personal motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Walt and Dupree are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their conflicting personalities and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Both Walt and Dupree undergo subtle changes in their dynamic as they navigate the decision to work together, setting the stage for future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dupree's internal goal is to prove his worth as a cook and artist in the drug trade, asserting his expertise and creativity in the face of Walt's scientific approach.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to set up a mobile meth lab in an RV, allowing them to produce drugs in a more discreet and mobile manner.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Walt and Dupree is intense and drives the scene forward, setting up future tensions and challenges for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between the characters creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of setting up a meth lab and entering the world of illegal drug production add tension and urgency to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the setup for the meth lab and establishing key conflicts and motivations for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting dynamics of their partnership.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's scientific approach to drug production and Dupree's artistic and creative perspective. This challenges their beliefs about the nature of their work and the value they place on different aspects of the process.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and determination, with emotional stakes running high as Walt and Dupree confront each other.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals key aspects of the characters' personalities and motivations, driving the scene forward with intensity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tense interactions between the characters, the high stakes of their illegal activities, and the detailed descriptions of the drug production process.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character goals and conflicts, leading to a natural progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes involved in cooking meth and the potential consequences of getting caught.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Dupree feels a bit forced and expository, lacking a natural flow and authenticity.
  • The conflict between Walt and Dupree could be more nuanced and layered, exploring their motivations and fears in a deeper way.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The transition between the previous scene and this one could be smoother to maintain the momentum of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and subplots to the interaction between Walt and Dupree to make it more dynamic and engaging.
  • Work on tightening the dialogue to make it more realistic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Introduce more visual elements to enhance the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Explore the emotional depth of the characters and their conflicting desires to add layers to the conflict and drive the narrative forward.
  • Consider revising the pacing and structure of the scene to maintain the tension and keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 10 -  The Withdrawal
INT. CREDIT UNION - AFTERNOON
The name on the wall says "Ontario Teachers Credit Union."
It's closing time. We find Walt standing at the counter,
doing business with a TELLER and a BRANCH MANAGER.
CLOSER -- crisp ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS get counted out.
TELLER
Thirty-nine, forty. Four
thousand ••• ten, fifteen, sixteen
dollars and ••• sixty-four cents.
Walt stares down at the money, looking distant. Removed.
The manager doesn't feel good about this at all.
BRANCH MANAGER
Mr. White, are you sure you want to
do this? I'm thinking you'd
qualify for a home equity loan.
WALT
I've got two already.
BRANCH MANAGER
You do understand you are losing
nearly seven thousand dollars of
principal. And that this leaves
your pension account with a zero
balance.
WALT
Yes. I understand.
He's perfectly calm. The man stares at Walt, bewildered.
39.


BRANCH MANAGER
I'm concerned you'll want this
money when it comes time to retire.
Walt shrugs and smiles, doesn't answer.

EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
CLOSE ON a fat handful of CASH. Dupree counts it, impressed.
We're in a shopping center lot, mostly empty. In b.g. is the
credit union. Dupree and Walt sit in Dupree's Daytona.
DUPREE
It's four grand. My guy wants
forty-five hundred.
WALT
You're a drug dealer. Negotiate.
Dupree thinks about it, shoves the money in his pants.
DUPREE
You're not how I remember you from
class. I mean, like, not at all.
Walt checks his watch.
WALT
I gotta go.
DUPREE
wait. Hold up. Tell me why you're
doing this. Seriously.
WALT
(a beat)
Why do you do it?
DUPREE
Money, mainly.
WALT
There you have it.
DUPREE
Nah. Come on, man! Some straight
like you, giant stick up his ass •••
all a sudden at age, what, fifty
he's just gonna break bad?
40.


W~T
I'm forty-one.
DUPREE
It's weird, is all. It doesn't
compute. If you're like ••• crazy
or something ••• if you've gone
crazy, or depressed. I'm just
saying. That's something I need to
know about. That affects me.
Walt stares at Dupree a long time, considers how to answer.
W~T
I am .•• awake.
DUPREE
(a confused beat)
What?
Walt pulls the handle, opens his passenger door.
W~T
Buy the RV. We start tomorrow.
Walt gets in his old Nissan, parked beside the Daytona.
Off Dupree, worriedly watching him go:
CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
It's tight in here. Familiar CRUTCHES lean against the wall.
Walter, Jr. sits on a bench, struggling to pull a stiff new
pair of off-brand jeans over his bare legs.
SKYLER (O.S.)
How you coming in there?
W~TER, JR.
Fine.
Anything but. Young Walter works at it valiantly, but the
design of this room is giving him trouble. He won't ask for
help and his folks know it. After a while:
SKYLER (O.S.)
You want me or your Dad?
W~TER, JR.
(gives up; annoyed)
Dad.
41.



The door opens and walt enters. Not a word is said as walt
leans down and his son wraps his arms around his neck. While
Walter, Jr. holds on, his dad lifts him a little and works
the jeans up onto his thighs and waist.
It's intimate in a way that's tough on a teenager, but
Walter, Jr. keeps his dignity. Walt handles it well, too.
WALT
How do these fit? You like these?
Walter, Jr. shrugs, nods. Walt zips up his son, buttons him.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Walt withdraws $4,000 from his pension account, despite concerns from the bank manager. He gives the money to Dupree in a parking lot to buy an RV, claiming he is "awake." Walt helps his son, Walter Jr., get dressed after a fundraising walk, despite Walter Jr.'s struggles with cerebral palsy.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, setting up a major turning point in the story and revealing the depth of Walt's character.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a seemingly ordinary man turning to crime out of desperation is compelling and sets the stage for complex character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Walt makes a crucial decision that will drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of financial desperation and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Walt, are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Walt undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, moving from a mild-mannered teacher to a potential criminal mastermind.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to make a risky financial decision despite the concerns raised by the branch manager. This reflects Walt's deeper need for control and power, as well as his fear of losing his financial independence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to sell drugs to make quick money. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his financial struggles and the need to provide for his family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is internal conflict within Walt as he grapples with his decision to enter the drug trade, as well as external conflict with Dupree.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the conflict between characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Walt makes a risky decision that will have profound implications for his future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major plot development that will have far-reaching consequences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected decisions made by the characters and the moral ambiguity of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the conversation between Walt and Dupree about the reasons for engaging in illegal activities. Dupree questions Walt's sudden change in behavior, challenging his values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to empathy for Walt's predicament.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and conflicts of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, especially considering the high stakes involved in Walt withdrawing a large sum of money from his pension account.
  • The dialogue between Walt and the branch manager feels a bit flat and could be more dynamic to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition from the credit union to the parking lot with Dupree feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother segue.
  • The interaction between Walt and Dupree lacks depth and emotional resonance, considering the weight of the decision they are making to start cooking meth together.
  • The scene in the dressing room with Walter, Jr. trying on jeans feels disconnected from the rest of the narrative and could be better integrated into the overall storyline.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and suspense to the scene by emphasizing the risks and consequences of Walt's actions.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Walt and the branch manager to make it more impactful and reflective of Walt's internal conflict.
  • Smooth out the transition between the credit union and the parking lot to create a more cohesive flow.
  • Develop the interaction between Walt and Dupree to delve deeper into their motivations and the implications of their partnership.
  • Integrate the scene in the dressing room with Walter, Jr. more seamlessly into the overarching narrative to ensure it contributes meaningfully to the story.



Scene 11 -  Walt's Transformation
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER
We're in a Target or somesuch. The men's department.
walter, Jr. stands before a mirror, balancing on his crutches
as he appraises his new jeans. Skyler and Walt stand behind
him. Walt's thoughts are distant as he watches his son.
SKYLER
Don't get 'em if they're too tight.
WALTER, JR.
They're--pre--shrunk.
SKYLER
They always say that, then they
shrink anyway.
As Walter, Jr. considers, we hear a faint o.s. COMMOTION.
JOCK (0. S. )
Big boy pants. I got new big boy
pants. Mommmeeee •.•
Walt snaps out of it, turns and looks. Twenty feet away,
partially hidden by clothing racks, are three GUYS, probably
just out of high school. They're laughing hard, making a
token effort to keep their voices low.
The biggest among them, a tall JOCK, is gimping around,
playing "retard" and cracking up the other two. They glance
our way -- it's clear they're making fun of WALTER, JR.
JOCK
Mommmeee, zip up my big boy pants.
Choked LAUGHTER and WHISPERS. Walter, Jr. hears. He sets
his jaw and ignores it, his face burning.
42.


Skyler is livid. She's about to go give these guys bloody
hell, but Walt touches a hand to her arm, stops her.
WALT
No, don't.
Before she can ask why not, Walt walks off in the opposite
direction. He disappears down an aisle. Is he looking for
the manager? A security guard? What's he doing?
Skyler is dismayed he's not standing up for their son.
Frustrated. until she notices:
NEW ANGLE -- the jock is still flogging the joke as WALT
enters frame behind him. Unbeknownst to everyone, Walt has
quickly looped around, stalking up behind these guys.
JOCK
Oh no. Oh no. I pinched a loaf in
my big boy pa--
Wham! Walt kicks the back of the jock's KNEE, dropping the
big guy painfully to the floor. Before the startled jock can
get up, Walt stands full-weight on his ANKLE. Leverage.
JOCK
AAHH! Whu -- what are you DOING?!
WALT
What's the matter, Chief? You
having trouble walking there?
Stand up. Don't be a retard.
Stand up and walk.
JOCK
AAAHH! GET OFF ME!
Walt raises his foot. The jock scrambles to his feet,
towering over Walt.
JOCK
I'll mess you up, man!
The kid's nearly a head taller, 240. Doesn't mean jack-shit
to Walt, who gets in his face. Walt looks slightly crazy.
WALT
Well, don't keep me waiting.
The jock is already backing off. His two friends are
spooked, as well -- tugging at him to leave.
43.



JOCK
Screw you. Freakin' psycho.
B.M.O.C. limps off with his tail between his legs. Skyler
and Walter, Jr. stand staring, amazed. They've never seen
anything like it. Certainly not from their husband and dad.
SKYLER
Walt •• ?
Standing here, Walt feels a kind of power -- one brought on
by an absence of fear.
Off him, realizing more and more that he likes it:

END ACT THREE
44.


ACT FOUR

EXT. COW PASTURE - AFTERNOON
Black and white cows graze in f.g. We drift off them and
focus on a stand of WOODS in the distance.

EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON
Familiar to us from the Teaser, the old WINNEBAGO is parked
off a dirt road. Dupree's Daytona is here, too. We're in
the middle of nowhere. There's nobody around for miles.
The Winnie's screen door opens. Walt steps out, looks
around. Breathes deep. He's got a plastic COAT HANGER he
impatiently taps against his leg. Waiting.
with a faint CRUNCH of leaves, Dupree appears. He's clomping
toward us, carrying binoculars.
DUPREE
Nothing but cows. Got some big
cow-house way over that way, like
two miles. But I don't see nobody.
WALT
"Cow-house?"

DUPREE
(shrug)
Where they live. The cows.
Whatever, man. Shit yeah, let's
cook here.
Dupree walks off, attends to something in his car. Walt
hangs his coat hanger on the RV's awning. He unclips his
tie, slides it in his breast pocket. He unbuttons his short
sleeve dress shirt, hangs it on the hanger.
Dupree wanders back in time to see Walt climb out of his
TROUSERS and hang them up. Dupree stops dead in his tracks.
DUPREE
What. Are you doing?
WALT
These are my good clothes. I can't
go home smelling like a meth lab.
Dupree shakes his head, weirded-out. Walt, stripped down to
his UNDERPANTS, climbs into the Winnebago.
45.


WALT
c'mon, I've only got till six.
He disappears inside. Dupree considers, then reaches in his
jacket pocket for ••• a MINI-CAMCORDER (the one we remember
from the Teaser). Grinning, he follows Walt into the RV.
CUT TO:

BLACK SCREEN
with a DING, up comes a live VIDEO IMAGE of Walt, his back to
us. He wears a lab apron, rubber gloves and safety glasses.
His respirator is propped on his forehead. We are:
INT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON
And we're watching Dupree's CAMCORDER POV of Walt at work.
Walt is crushing scads of sinus pills in a mortar and pestle.
This place is packed tight with lab equipment and supplies.
We hear Dupree SNICKERING o.s. He ZOOMS IN on Walt's
underpants, which show through the back of his apron.
DUPREE (O.S.)
This is a good look for you.
You're maybe only the world's
second-biggest homo.
WALT
Shut up and give me a hand here.
Walt glances back at us, notices the camcorder. Shit! He
reaches straight into lens, tussling for it. It goes BLACK.
WALT (0. S. )
Gimme that goddamned --
The screen goes to STATIC. BAM! -- as we bring up MUSIC:

INT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON - MONTAGE
Edited to the BEAT of some very hip, driving SONG, we see
various ANGLES and JUMP-CUTS of Walt cooking meth, assisted
by Dupree. Hours are compressed into seconds here.
For those of us who grew up watching "The A-Team," this is
that scene they'd always do where the A-Team builds a tank or
a jet plane out of spare parts. Same feeling, same energy
except here, our guys are making highly illegal drugs.
46.



Without turning this into a how-to video, we watch as:
-- Powdered sinus tablets get soaked in a solvent, separated
out as a paste and a liquid, then reduced down over heat.
-- Veterinary iodine is transformed into hydriodic acid.
-- The striker strips of dozens of matchbooks get scraped off
with a razor blade, forming a pile of red phosphorus.
-- Red phosphorus is combined with hydriodic acid and mixed
with the pseudoephedrine culled from the sinus pills.
The whole mess gets cooked into freebase meth oil.
Salt, muriatic acid, and bits of aluminum foil are mixed
in a gas can. It gets connected to a length of garden hose.
hydrogen chloride gas bubbles through the hose and down
into a big bucket full of freebase. White methamphetamine
hydrochloride crystals float to the top and get skimmed off.
Throughout all this, Walt is working with the utmost gravity
and attention to detail -- as if he were a scientist on the
Manhattan Project. As the cook progresses, we get little
hints that Dupree is taking it more seriously, too.
Seeing the way Walt works, seeing that he really knows his
stuff, Dupree acts more respectful. He even starts wearing
his safety gear. Clearly, he's learning from walt.

EXT. WINNEBAGO - AFTERNOON
The little RV sits hidden in the woods. Toxic-looking YELLOW
SMOKE wafts through a vent in the roof. It curls up into the
trees, filtering through shafts of red afternoon sunset.
End MUSIC. End MONTAGE.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In the men's department of a Target store, Walter, Jr. tries on new jeans while his parents, Skyler and Walt, watch. Walt, distracted by his thoughts, doesn't notice three high school-aged boys making fun of Walter, Jr. for his disability. Skyler is about to confront the boys, but Walt stops her. Instead, he walks over to the boys and confronts the biggest one, kicking him in the knee and standing on his ankle. The boy's friends pull him away, and the boys leave. Skyler and Walter, Jr. are amazed by Walt's actions, and Walt feels a sense of power and realizes he likes it.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence may be unsettling for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-paced, and full of conflict, showcasing a significant character development for Walt.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Walt standing up for his son and engaging in illegal activities to secure his family's future is compelling and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with the tension escalating as Walt takes bold actions and enters the dangerous world of drug production.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the typical confrontation between a protagonist and bullies, with a twist involving a violent resolution. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Walt, show depth and growth in this scene, revealing new facets of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant change in this scene, showing a new side of his character and his willingness to take risks.

Internal Goal: 8

Walter, Jr.'s internal goal is to feel confident and comfortable in his new jeans despite the mocking from the three guys. This reflects his need for acceptance and self-assurance.

External Goal: 9

Walt's external goal is to protect his son from the bullies and assert his authority. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with disrespectful individuals in a public setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with intense confrontations and illegal activities driving the tension throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the three bullies challenging the protagonist's authority and the protagonist's aggressive response creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Walt engages in illegal drug production, risking his safety and his family's future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing illegal activities, escalating conflicts, and showcasing character development.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected resolution to the confrontation, where the protagonist takes a violent and aggressive approach. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the confrontation between Walt and the jock, where the value of respect and standing up for oneself is challenged. This conflict challenges Walt's beliefs about protecting his family and asserting dominance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, defiance, and determination, especially in Walt's actions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reflects the escalating conflict and power dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense action, emotional stakes, and unexpected turn of events. The conflict between characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, leading to a climactic confrontation, and resolving the conflict in a satisfying manner.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a confrontation scene, with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong setup of Walter, Jr. trying on new jeans, but the transition to the confrontation with the high school boys feels abrupt and slightly disconnected.
  • The dialogue and actions of the high school boys making fun of Walter, Jr. are a bit stereotypical and could be more nuanced to add depth to the scene.
  • Walt's response to the situation, while showcasing his protective instincts, escalates quickly to physical violence, which may not align with his character development up to this point.
  • The power dynamic shift where Walt confronts the boys and feels a sense of power could be explored more subtly and with more emotional depth to make it more impactful.
  • The scene ends on a note of Walt realizing he likes the power he feels, but this realization could be further developed to show the internal conflict and moral implications of his actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and conflict between Walter, Jr. and the high school boys more gradually to make the confrontation feel more organic.
  • Explore Walt's internal struggle and conflicting emotions in a more nuanced way to show the complexity of his character.
  • Instead of resorting to physical violence, consider alternative ways for Walt to handle the situation that align more with his character arc and moral compass.
  • Add more depth to the power dynamic shift and Walt's realization of liking the power he feels by delving into the emotional repercussions and consequences of his actions.
  • Focus on the aftermath of the confrontation to explore the impact it has on Walt, Walter, Jr., and Skyler, adding layers to the character dynamics and relationships.



Scene 12 -  Meth Masterpiece
INT. WINNEBAGO - EVENING
It's getting dark outside. The cook is done. Walt sits in
his apron, tired. He rubs at the red line around his face
left by his respirator, trying to make it go away.
They've made about a pound of fat, snowy white crystals.
Dupree carefully dips into their product with a razor blade,
lifting out a tiny sample. He taps it onto a sheet of yellow
paper, swirling it around. His eyes are wide.
47.



He's a whole new Dupree now. Subdued. Awed. It's as if
he's seen the Holy Grail.
DUPREE
This is ••• this is glass grade.
You got ••• Jesus, you got crystals
in here a quarter-inch long.
Longer. This is pure glass.
(turns to him)
You're ••• you're Michelangelo.
You're a goddamned artist. This is
art. Mr. White •.•
He's run out of superlatives. He's actually tearing Ye.
walt is surprised by his emotion.
WALT
It's just basic chemistry.
(off his awe)
But thank you, Marion. I'm glad
it's acceptable.
DUPREE
Acceptable? Every jibbhead from
here to Timbuktu's gonna want a
taste! It's gonna be like, "Sir,
would you care to replace your
Schwinn bicycle with this brand-new
Ferrari?" Shit!
(dips some more)
Dude, I gotta try some of this.
Uncomfortable with that idea, Walt intercedes.
WALT
No. We sell it, we don't smoke it.
DUPREE
Since when?
(Walt puts it away)
Man, you been watching too much
"Miami Vice."
WALT
(checks his watch)
So, how do we proceed?
DUPREE
You cook more tomorrow. Meantime,
I know just the guy to talk to.
48.



INT. KRAZY-8'S HOUSE - MORNING
Brand-new giant screen TV. Otherwise, this place looks like
a cross between a frat house and a crack house. KRAZY-8,
a young, hard-looking Mexican, sits on a sofa dotted with
cigarette burns. He's playing NBA basketball on his PS2.
The front door stands open -- but the screen door, all heavy
reinforced steel, is shut. Visible through it, Dupree
wanders up onto the porch, cups his eyes and peers in.
DUPREE
Yo, Kraze I How you doin', my man?
Krazy-8 glances over flatly, returns his attention to his
video game. Dupree twists the doorknob. Locked.
DUPREE
Can I come in?
A beat or two as Krazy-8 keeps playing. Finally, he reaches
over, grabs a garage door clicker. He BUZZES Dupree in.
Dupree bops into the living room, all smiles. He's acting
like he and this guy are tight -- which they are not. Dupree
takes a seat, watches the video game.
DUPREE
I got this game. The Laker Girls
all have titties like pine cones.
Yo, I'll show you a trick move.
You hit the x-button simultaneous
with the
KRAZY-8
-- Shut your mouth and show me your
money.
DUPREE
I ain't buying, ese. I'm selling.
Dupree tosses a tiny BAGGIE on the coffee table. It's a
"tina" one-sixteenth of an ounce of meth. One hit.
DUPREE
Tell me that ain't the finest
scante you ever laid eyes on.
Krazy-8 glances at the baggie, keeps playing. Glances at it
again. Pauses his game and picks it up. Studies it closely.
49.



DUPREE
Huh? See? Crystal so big, look
like somebody broke a window.
Look like you'd cut your nose off.
Try it.
Krazy takes a whiff of the open baggie, considers. He scoops
a taste into his pinkie nail and snorts it up his nostril.
DUPREE
BOO-YAH! See? What I say?
Krazy squints his eyes, rubs his nose. Jesus -- rocket fuel.
KRAZY-B
That's alright.
(eyeing him)
So, what? You back in business?
DUPREE
Hell, yeah I'm back! with a
vengeance I Nigga gotta make a
living! And with your cousin gone
away and all •••
(changes gears)
And listen homes, about that. It
really broke me up about Emilio.
Dude is like my brother.
(mournful)
He okay? You talk to him?
KRAZY-B
Yeah, I talked to him. He says
when the feds came, you were out
stickin' it in some neighbor lady.
DUPREE
(shrugs; smiles)
Hey, you know. I got lucky twice.
KRAZY-B
Yeah? I dunno, man. Emilio •• ?
(dark)
He thinks maybe you dimed on him.
Dupree's expression clouds over, surprised and offended.
DUPREE
That is bullshit. That is
bullshit, Krazy-B! I should kick
his punk ass for even thinking
that. Next time you talk to
Emilio, you tell him for me.
50.



A TOILET FLUSHES o.s. Krazy-8 nods toward the sound.
KRAZY-8
Made bail this morning.
You can tell him yourself.
The bathroom door opens. Into the room walks EMILIO, the guy
we saw get busted. He looks bigger now, somehow. And angry.
EMILIO
Go ahead, pendejo. Kick my ass.
Dupree is suddenly none too comfortable. Emilio advances on
him, but Krazy-8 shakes his head to his cousin -- hold up.
Krazy-8 turns to Dupree, dangles the baggie. Shakes it.
KRAZY-8
Where'd you get this? 'Cause I
know damn well you didn't cook it.
Off Dupree, not so cocky now:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In the evening, Walt and Dupree successfully produce high-quality crystal meth in the Winnebago. Dupree is amazed by the quality and compares Walt to an artist. They decide to sell the meth and visit Krazy-8's house to gauge his interest. Krazy-8 is impressed but suspicious of Dupree, believing he betrayed his cousin Emilio. Despite the tension, they manage to leave Krazy-8's house successfully.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Intriguing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and sets up significant developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Walt and Dupree entering the drug trade and discovering the quality of their product is intriguing and sets the stage for future conflicts and alliances.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of Krazy-8 and the potential partnership between the characters, adding layers of complexity and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the drug trade genre, with nuanced character dynamics and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Walt, Dupree, and Krazy-8 are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward with tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

Walt undergoes a significant change as he embraces his role in the drug trade, while Dupree and Krazy-8 also experience shifts in their alliances and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal is to maintain control and confidence in his abilities as a meth cook, despite Dupree's admiration and emotional outburst. This reflects Walt's need for validation and recognition of his skills.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to continue producing high-quality meth and navigate the drug trade successfully. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining their operation and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, especially as the characters navigate the drug trade and their shifting alliances.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and potential betrayals. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters delve deeper into the dangerous world of drug trafficking, risking their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new characters, conflicts, and alliances that will shape the narrative moving forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, unexpected revelations, and tense interactions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Walt's rational, scientific approach to cooking meth and Dupree's emotional, artistic admiration for the product. This challenges Walt's belief in the practicality of his work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to excitement, as the characters make crucial decisions and confrontations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing the personalities and motivations of the characters while building suspense and conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and unexpected developments. The power dynamics between the characters keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the pacing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and action. It effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Dupree feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially Dupree's sudden change in attitude towards Walt's product.
  • The interaction between Dupree and Krazy-8 feels rushed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the dynamics between the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting.
  • The tension between Dupree and Krazy-8 could be further developed to create a more engaging conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to improve the flow of the screenplay.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Walt and Dupree to make it more authentic and believable.
  • Expand on the relationship between Dupree and Krazy-8 to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Include more visual cues to paint a vivid picture of the setting and atmosphere in the Winnebago and Krazy-8's house.
  • Develop the conflict between Dupree and Krazy-8 to create a more compelling and suspenseful scene.



Scene 13 -  Walt's Escape
EXT. WOODS - DAY
It's a second day of cooking for Walt. He's out here alone
with the Winnebago, having just arrived. He puts his coat
hanger on the awning and strips down, hanging up his good
clothes. As he ties on his lab apron •••
.•• An Oldsmobile Cutlass arrives. stops thirty feet away.
Walt stands his ground watching it, wary. Squints at it.
Three men in the car. A little hard to see. Walt relaxes
slightly when he realizes Dupree is one of them.
Driver's door opens. Krazy-8 climbs out, stands his ground.
KRAZY-8
Nature Boyl You must be the cook!
(off Walt's silence)
That is some stone-fine cheebah,
ese! You wanna come work for me?
WALT
(a beat)
I'd be happy to sell to you.
If the price is right.
KRAZY-8
"Price Is Right." Yeah, man •••
COME ON DOWN!
51.



He holds up a plastic Von's bag. This is the CASH we saw
blowing around in the Teaser. Krazy glances around, casual.
KRAZY-8
So. You're out here all by
yourself, huh?
Walt doesn't like the question. Doesn't answer. He's
watching the Cutlass now -- wondering why Dupree, sitting in
the back seat with the third man, hasn't moved.
The third man, EMILIO, climbs out now. He's got a look on
his face that tells us he's just realized who Walt is.
EMILIO
Shit. You're that guy.
(to Krazy-8)
The D.E.A ••• he was there with the
goddamned D.E.A!
OFF Walt -- uh-oh. Confusion all around. Rising anxiety.
Emilio turns on Dupree, still seated in the car.
EMILIO
Goddamned rata snitch!
Emilio's reaching for his gun. That's enough for Dupree
he throws open the far door, takes off into the woods.
DUPREE
RUN, MR. WHITE! RUN !
As he yells this over his shoulder -- BAM! Dupree plows
headlong into a TREE. He collapses, knocked cold.
Walt doesn't go anywhere. Krazy-8 pulls his gun immediately,
points it at him. pistols drawn, the two cousins look back
and forth between unconscious Dupree and Walt, who's got his
hands up. Motionless silence. The cousins expect feds to
come swarming out of the trees at any second.
None do. The cousins relax a touch. Dupree softly MOANS.
EMILIO
Asshole.
(to Krazy-8)
Cap 'em both. That's what I say.
Krazy-8 lights a cigarette, thinks about it. Walt stands
nervous, but stoic. He's already come to grips with dying,
and he's not going to plead for his life.
Krazy blows smoke, studies Walt closely.
52.



KRAZY-8
Yo. You really cook that batch?
Walt nods, his hands still raised.
KRAZY-8
You an artist. It's a damn shame.
He raises his pistol, about to fire -- Emilio, too.
WALT
W-What if I showed you my secret?
Every cook's got his recipe -- what
if I taught you mine?
(off their silence)
Let us both live, I'll teach you.
Emilio looks to Krazy-8, who's weighing it. It's attractive.
Off Krazy, blowing smoke:

EXT. WINNEBAGO - MINUTES LATER
CLOSE ON Dupree, face-down and blotto. Emilio finishes
hog-tying his wrists, then gives him a KICK in the head for
good measure. Emilio walks to the RV in b.g.

INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
Walt prepares his tools and materials. Krazy-8 stands behind
him, arms crossed, gun in hand, watching his every move.
Emilio climbs aboard, joins his cousin.
WALT
Put out the cigarette.
Krazy-8 considers, then pokes his cig through the louvered
slats of a window and flicks it outside.

EXT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE -- it lands behind the RV, a few red sparks flying.
We CREEP IN on the butt as it lies smoldering in the WEEDS.

INT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE -- POOF! A hot plate flames to life as Walt ignites
the gas. Walt runs a finger across his neatly arranged jars
of ingredients. He stops on one -- RED PHOSPHORUS.
53.



walt glances at ••• his RESPIRATOR. It's lying way at the
other end of the RV. Walt gingerly sizes up the cousins.
Emilio reaches over, wig-wags Walt's earlobe with the muzzle
of his shiny 9mm. Cold and menacing as hell.
EMILIO
Step to it, snitch.
Walt makes up his mind -- it's now or never. He unscrews the
top off the red phosphorus bottle. He takes a long, deep,
quiet breath ••• and HOLDS it.
He dumps the bottle onto the hot plate. It hits the flame
with a sizzling WHOOF and smokes up. Walt ducks and RUNS.

EXT. WINNEBAGO - CONTINUOUS
Walt makes it outside just ahead of the cousins. He slams
the door in their faces, leans his back against it hard.
BOOM! BOOM! They're kicking the shit out of it from the
inside, trying desperately to get out. We hear them COUGHING
now. GASPING. The flimsy RV door won't hold up long.
Suddenly -- BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM! BULLET HOLES puncture the
door, zinging just above Walt's head. Still Walt stands
fast, flinching and ducking lower. BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM!-BLAM!
The firing stops. The CHOKING SOUNDS get louder, more
tortured. Horrifying. Tiny thin curls of RED SMOKE waft out
through the bullet holes.
We hear a heavy THUMP. Then ANOTHER. Two bodies hitting the
floor. Silence now. Walt shuts his eyes, breathing hard.
Walt recovers, stumbles over and checks on Dupree, who's
still breathing. Walt unties him. Thank God, they're both
alive. Just as walt gets Dupree loose •.•
••• He smells SMOKE. He turns, sees it rising thick and dark
from behind the Winnebago. He runs to see.
NEW ANGLE - BEHIND THE RV
Krazy-B's CIGARETTE has started a BRUSH FIRE. It's ten feet
across. Walt tries to stomp it out, but that ain't working.
He yanks off his heavy lab apron, desperately tries to beat
out the flames with that. No dice. In a panic, Walt stares
up into the sky -- watches the SMOKE trail high overhead.
Everyone within five miles can see it.
54.



LOW ANGLE - DUPREE
Lies drifting in and out of consciousness. Walt -- in his
underpants, black shoes and socks -- runs to him. Walt yanks
a RESPIRATOR onto Dupree's face, then drags him out of frame.
ANGLE - THE RV
The flames of the brush fire are licking the back bumper.
The engine ROARS alive, the exhaust pipe belching blue smoke.
The fire is blocking the dirt road now. The Winnebago
lurches forward and takes off overland. Walt's clothes swing
from the awning -- a tree branch knocks loose his TROUSERS.

EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY (REPEATED FOOTAGE)
Pastoral. Quiet. COW SHIT bakes in the sun, then gets
RUN OVER with a SPLAT. We're full-circle back to the Teaser.
The Winnebago galumphs across the landscape, scattering cows.

INT. WINNEBAGO - DAY (REPEATED FOOTAGE)
Walt drives in his underpants and his gas mask, his knuckles
white on the wheel. Unconscious Dupree slumps beside him.
Behind, the dead cousins slide to and fro amidst the sloshing
ruins of the meth lab. Their CASH flutters in the breeze.
Walt hyperventilates. His mask FOGS UP. BAM! He crashes,
violently JERKING FORWARD into lens. The frame goes BLACK.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the woods, Walt's meth-cooking is interrupted by Krazy-8, Emilio, and Dupree. Krazy-8 offers Walt a job, but Emilio recognizes Walt as a DEA agent and threatens him. To save his life, Walt offers his secret meth recipe. While pretending to prepare, Walt plots his escape by unscrewing a red phosphorus bottle. He releases the smoke, incapacitating the cousins, and flees with Dupree. Krazy-8's cigarette ignites a brush fire, trapping Walt in his Winnebago. Donning a gas mask, Walt drives through the fire and crashes, escaping as the Winnebago burns.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Character development
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence
  • Complexity of criminal activities

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of tension, action, and character development. The stakes are raised significantly, and the unexpected twists add depth to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Walt facing off against drug dealers while cooking meth in an RV is unique and gripping. The scene effectively showcases the dangers and complexities of Walt's new criminal venture.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-crafted, with a strong focus on escalating conflict and character dynamics. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the typical drug deal gone wrong scenario by focusing on the protagonist's internal struggle and moral choices. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Walt, Krazy-8, and Emilio, are well-developed and their interactions drive the tension in the scene. Walt's resourcefulness and Krazy-8's menacing presence add depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Walt undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, from a desperate chemistry teacher to a cunning and resourceful criminal. His actions and decisions reflect his evolution as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is survival and protecting his secret recipe. He is faced with a life-threatening situation and must navigate it with courage and quick thinking.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to negotiate his way out of a dangerous situation with the drug dealers and survive the encounter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical danger, moral dilemmas, and power dynamics. The clash between Walt and the drug dealers creates a palpable sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong and difficult to overcome, with the protagonist facing life-threatening danger and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with Walt's life on the line as he faces off against dangerous drug dealers. The intense confrontation and life-threatening situation heighten the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, escalating conflicts, and deepening character relationships. It sets the stage for future developments and raises the stakes for Walt and the other characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The outcome of the confrontation is uncertain, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the protagonist's moral dilemma of whether to reveal his secret recipe to save his life or stick to his principles and risk death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, tension, and admiration for Walt's resilience. The high-stakes situation and Walt's quick thinking create a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes nature of the situation. Each character's lines reveal their motivations and add to the overall suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense action sequences. The reader is drawn into the characters' decisions and the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual increase in action and stakes leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence. The use of visual cues and descriptive language enhances the reader's understanding of the events.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions, making it confusing for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, especially the exchange between Walt and Krazy-8.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense, which is crucial for a high-stakes situation like this.
  • The transition between the different actions and events happening simultaneously is abrupt and disjointed.
  • There are inconsistencies in the characters' behaviors, such as Walt's sudden willingness to teach his recipe to Krazy-8.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and actions to make the scene more coherent and engaging.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Build up the tension and suspense throughout the scene to create a more gripping and intense atmosphere.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different events to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Ensure consistency in the characters' behaviors and decisions to maintain believability.



Scene 14 -  Despair and Passion
EXT. COW PASTURE - DAY - MINUTES LATER
We start on BLACK, then PULL OUT of the barrel of Walt's gun.
We find ourselves where the Teaser left off -- Walt is aiming
past us, standing in his shirt and tie and underpants.
SIRENS are wailing. We see RED LIGHTS flashing just over top
of the weeds. They're racing our way.
Walt has second thoughts. What the hell is he doing? He's
not going to shoot anybody. The ferocity leaks out of him.
Despair settles in in its place.
Sirens -- BLARING. Fuck it. He sticks the muzzle in his
mouth, winces hard. He YANKS THE TRIGGER.
55.


Nothing. The safety's on. Walt fumbles with it, trying to
figure it out. This takes him just long enough that •••
••• The sirens are revealed to be FIRE ENGINES. Not the
cops. Two big pumper trucks curve past us, following a dirt
road through the pasture we didn't see until now.
They roar on by, none of the firemen taking the slightest
notice of Walt. They're heading for Krazy-8's brush fire a
mile away. We can see the crooked column of SMOKE from here.
The SIRENS and the ROAR fade away. Gradually, the pasture
grows silent again. Walt stares stupidly, the pistol
dangling at his side. He lets it drop to the dirt.
He stands blinking, trying to figure out what the hell just
happened. Pure, dumb luck. Beginner's luck.
As he stands here, the door to the RV opens behind him.
Dupree stumbles out, pulls off his gas mask. Half his face
is swollen like a balloon, but he'll recover.
Dupree wanders over, stands next to Walt. Dazed silence.
DUPREE
What happened •• ?
(nods toward the RV)
W-What'd you do?
Walt is weirdly matter-of-fact.
W~T
Red phosphorus, when heat is
applied .•• oxidizes and yields
carbonyl chloride. Phosgene gas.
One good whiff of it .••
He shrugs, trails off. Folds at the waist and THROWS UP.
Dupree stands staring at nothing in particular. Walt rises,
wipes his mouth. He picks up his W~LET and CAMCORDER.
W~T
Gotta. Gotta clean this up.
Gotta ••• bury ••.
He slowly wanders back to the Winnebago. Dupree follows him.
Off our two new partners, who have only barely survived their
first week together •••
DISSOLVE TO:
56.



INT. WHITE HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Late. Lights are off. Skyler and Walter, Jr. have gone to
bed. Walt stands at the kitchen sink, washing Krazy-8's cash
in Dawn dishwashing liquid. Washing off the toxic chemicals.

He gives an involuntary shudder. He squeezes shut his eyes,
which are tearing up. Tonight's a night he's never going to
forget -- whether he lives two years or two hundred.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT
BLACK FRAME. A DING, then a door opens -- revealing we're
inside the clothes dryer, looking out. Dry twenty dollar
bills flutter around. Weary Walt reaches in and grabs them
by the fistful.
Walt quickly counts the money. Eight thousand and change.
Walt jams it in a shoebox, snaps a rubber band around it.
Remembering something, he reaches in his pocket •••
'" And pulls out the tiny camcorder TAPE. On it, we'll
remember, is the confession to his family. He doesn't
destroy the tape. He thinks about it, then drops it into the
shoebox full of cash.
walt stands tiptoes on a chair, tucks the box way up in the
garage rafters. Looking haunted, like hell warmed over, he
climbs down and exits, turns off the light. DARKNESS.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Skyler lies in bed, alone and awake. We're on her as we hear
the door open. Quiet footsteps. Clothes come off.
Walt gingerly climbs into bed, not wanting to wake his wife.
He lies motionless, staring up at the ceiling. A torrent of
thoughts rush through his head. Finally:
SKYLER
Where were you?
Walt doesn't answer. Skyler turns his way, stares at him.
SKYLER
Walt, I don't know what is going on
with you lately --
WUT
Nothing. I'm fine.
57.


SKYLER
Whatever it is, I'll tell you
this. I do not like it when you
don't talk to me. The worst thing
you can do is shut me out.
WALT
I'm ••• I understand. I'm fine.
She stares at him in the darkness. He stares at her.
A strange feeling comes over him. It's relief to be alive,
mixed with dread that life won't last. It's fear of being
caught. It's the thrill -- for once -- of taking risks.
It's excitement, in many different forms. And since he can't
talk about it, there's only one way to let it out.
walt kisses his wife. Passionately.
SKYLER
Walt •••
He keeps kissing her. Gently rolls her so that her back is
to him. out of sight under the covers, he fumbles with her
panties, pulls them down.
Surprised as hell, Skyler nonetheless allows it. She feels
around behind her.
SKYLER
Oh my God. Is that you?
It sure is. The mighty oak. Walt enters her -- Skyler's
eyes pop wide, and we CUT TO BLACK. Over the sounds of HEAVY
BREATHING and the SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAKING of bed springs •••
••• FADE UP CREDITS.

THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Walt contemplates shooting himself but is interrupted by the sound of fire engines passing by. He vomits after inhaling toxic gas, cleans up the mess, and hides the money and confession tape in the garage. Walt then has a passionate encounter with his wife.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, emotion, and character development, leading to a climactic moment of decision for Walt.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Walt facing a life-changing moment and making a critical decision is well-executed with suspense and emotional depth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Walt's decision to clean up and hide the money, his intimate moment with Skyler, and the aftermath of the meth cooking gone wrong.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unexpected plot developments and explores complex moral themes, adding a fresh perspective to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Walt, show depth and complexity in their actions and emotions, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Walt undergoes a significant change in this scene, from despair to a moment of passion and decision-making that sets the course for his future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Walt's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his actions and the consequences of his decisions. He experiences a moment of despair and confusion, reflecting his internal struggle with the moral implications of his choices.

External Goal: 7

Walt's external goal is to clean up the mess and bury the evidence of his actions, showcasing his need to cover his tracks and avoid detection.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Walt, the external danger he faces, and the moral dilemmas presented create a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Walt facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the narrative. The uncertainty of the situation creates a sense of suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with Walt facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and the consequences of his actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up key decisions and actions that will impact the narrative trajectory.

Unpredictability: 9

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected arrival of fire engines instead of cops, adding a twist to the narrative and keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Walt's moral compass and the consequences of his actions. His decision to use dangerous chemicals and the potential harm it could cause challenges his values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions from despair to passion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Walt's journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense atmosphere, unexpected plot twists, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into Walt's internal struggle and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay writing. It effectively conveys the action and dialogue, contributing to the scene's impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a dramatic moment of Walt contemplating suicide, which is a powerful and intense moment. However, the transition to the fire engines passing by feels abrupt and somewhat anticlimactic. The shift from potential suicide to the fire engines can be jarring for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Walt and Dupree about the red phosphorus and phosgene gas feels a bit forced and overly technical. It may be beneficial to simplify the explanation or find a more natural way to convey the information.
  • The interaction between Walt and Dupree after the failed suicide attempt lacks emotional depth. Both characters seem detached and matter-of-fact about the situation, which diminishes the impact of the scene.
  • The transition to the White House kitchen and garage scenes feels disjointed from the previous events in the cow pasture. The shift in location and tone could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The final intimate encounter between Walt and Skyler at the end of the scene feels out of place given the preceding events. The sudden shift from a tense and dramatic situation to a passionate moment may feel tonally inconsistent.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Walt's contemplation of suicide and the arrival of the fire engines to create a more seamless flow of events.
  • Simplify the technical dialogue between Walt and Dupree to make it more accessible to the audience without losing the necessary information.
  • Add more emotional depth to the interaction between Walt and Dupree after the failed suicide attempt to enhance the impact of the scene.
  • Work on smoother transitions between the different locations and scenes to maintain the coherence of the narrative.
  • Reconsider the tonal shift at the end of the scene and ensure that the intimate moment between Walt and Skyler is appropriately set up and justified within the context of the story.