Ostensibly
First Draft
Dec. 8, 1992
INT BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING HOURS
A DOG
sleeps on a neatly made bed.
A POSTER
of Bugs Bunny conducting an orchestra.
A SHELF OF BOOKS
holds such classics as Dante’s Inferno, Beyond Good and Evil, The
Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark Knight Returns.
A FRAMED DIPLOMA
dusty and unkempt hangs askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck
in the corner, and a bra weighs one end down.
A PHONE
with gum wads stuck on the receiver sits quietly atop a circular trash
can. It suddenly explodes with a resounding ring - once, twice, thrice.
A CLOSET DOOR
partly open. A sneaker sticks out of the bottom. As the phone rings, the
door is kicked open by an unsneakered foot. A half-clad figure musters
itself from the closet floor. The sneakered foot attempts to gain
leverage.
THE PHONE
rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking it off the
trash can, OC.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
lays with his back to the camera, phone in hand.
FIGURE
(groggily)
Hello...What?...No, I don’t work
today...I’m playing hockey at
four...Arthur’s working...
THE DOG
yawns and shakes its head.
FIGURE (OC)
No, I can’t...I’m playing hockey at
four...It’s nine o’clock...So I got
a game in seven hours...No...That’s
not my fault...
A HALF-EATEN TWINKIE
sits atop a half-finished tumbler full of chocolate milk.
FIGURE (OC)
Call Randal...I’m fucking tired...
No...No way...I’ve got a game at
four!...What?...Jesus...
(deep sigh)
What time are you going to come in?
...Two...Be there by two...Swear...
1.
A PICTURE OF A GIRL
leans against a trophy. The picture is decorated with a Play-Doh beard
and mustache.
FIGURE (OC)
Swear you’ll be in by two and I’ll
do it...Two...Two or I walk.
THE PHONE RECEIVER
slams into the cradle.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair.
FIGURE
Shit.
He stands.
THE DOG
stands and wags its tail. A hand pats his head.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It is the face of DANTE and
this is Dante’s room; this is Dante’s life.
POV DANTE - THE DOG
looks down at its master.
DANTE
grabs the dogs head and wrestles it.
DANTE
Next time, you sleep in the closet
and I get the bed.
He releases the dog and sits up.
DANTE
(exhausted)
Shit.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER
A STEAMING SHOWER
fills the room. The dog licks water from the toilet.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
2.
INT. KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER
A TOWEL-DRESSED DANTE
opens the fridge and peers inside. He grabs a half-empty gallon of milk
and closes the door.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER
CHOCOLATE MILK MIX
is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two scoops, three scoops, four
scoops.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT BEDROOM - A MINUTE LATER
DANTE
gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet for some clothes.
Some chocolate milk spills on the floor.
THE DOG
laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
2 -
Dante's Convenience Store Visit
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
7
INT. HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER
DANTE’S FEET
are hastily covered with sneakers in mid-stride, accomplished by a
series of hops.
A HAND
grabs keys from atop a fish tank.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
EXT DRIVEWAY - MINUTES LATER
A CAR
backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street. The dog looks on.
3.
DANTE
brushes his hair in the rearview mirror while attempting to drive.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - MORNING
THE CAR
pulls up, with a screech.
FEET
descend to the ground from the open door. Pan up to reveal DANTE in
front of the store.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A SICKLY ARTHUR
is slumped over the counter. DANTE lifts his head by the hair.
DANTE
It’s okay Arthur. I’m here now. You
can go.
ARTHUR is genuinely pleased to see his relief, but feels a bit guilty.
ARTHUR
Dante. I’m sorry you had to come in,
but I felt like shit since this
morning.
DANTE
I’m only here till two, then the boss
is coming in. I’ve got a game at four.
Arthur
He’s coming in? But I thought...
That’s weird.
DANTE
Why don’t you go home and lay down
man. You sound like shit too.
Arthur
Yeah, I should. Oh! I forgot. We
didn’t get any Asbury Park Press
this morning, so you’ve gotta do the
thing again.
DANTE
Why can’t we just pay for the papers
like all the other stores?
ARTHUR hands him a quarter.
4.
Arthur
Go ahead. I’ll wait here.
DANTE shakes his head and exits.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
POV NEWSPAPER MACHINE
Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE approach. He
stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls the door down, finally
allowing us a clear view, as he reaches toward the camera.
DANTE
pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press vending machine.
He struggles to hold them all in one hand as he lets the door slam shut.
He turns to walk away, but the sound of the quarter dropping into the
change slot stops him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE PAPERS
drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding flop.
ARTHUR
leans on the ice cream case in front of the counter. He is prepared to
leave. DANTE hands him the quarter.
Arthur
Tell Randal to be careful today. Six
people lodged complaints against him
this morning, and one woman wants to
press charges for harassment.
DANTE
Sexual?
Arthur
I don’t think so. Randal kept
calling her an idiot because she
wanted to rent ‘Navy SEALS’.
DANTE
I remember that. Mrs. Dempsey.
Arthur
I think so. I’m sorry you had to
come in, Dante.
DANTE
Arthur, don’t even worry about it.
You’re in bad shape, and besides:
I’ll be out of here by two. Don’t
worry about me.
5.
Arthur
I’m going to go home and sit on the
toilet. I’ve had the runs all damn
morning. You know how it gets, when
there’s nothing solid? It’s like
you’re pissing out of your ass;
thick muddy piss.
Arthur
Thanks for the visual.
Arthur
I’ve heard that the tobacco people
have been hitting the local stores,
so be careful not to sell any kids
cigarettes.
DANTE
I never do.
(sniffing the air)
Jesus, it even smells like sickness
in this place.
Arthur
That was me. I just threw up behind
the counter.
DANTE
I’ll bet. Go home, man.
Arthur
(exiting)
Thanks again, Dante. I’ll see you on
Monday.
ARTHUR leaves as a customer walks in. DANTE hops behind the counter and
slides out of view, slipping on vomit.
OC DANTE
Jesus!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) with a briefcase.
DANTE
(dispensing change)
Thanks. Have a good one.
ACTIVIST
(indicating his coffee)
Do you mind if I drink this here?
DANTE
Sure. Go ahead.
6.
The ACTIVIST leans on the counter and drinks his coffee. Another
CUSTOMER approaches.
CUSTOMER
(to DANTE)
Pack of Marlboro.
ACTIVIST
Excuse me, I don’t mean to
interrupt, but are you sure?
CUSTOMER
Am I sure?
ACTIVIST
Are you sure?
CUSTOMER
Am I sure about what?
DANTE
(to CUSTOMER)
Two fifty five.
ACTIVIST
Do you really want to buy those
cigarettes?
CUSTOMER
Are you serious?
ACTIVIST
How long have you been smoking?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
3 -
Cancer Education
Overall:
9.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
10
CUSTOMER
(to DANTE)
What is this, a poll?
DANTE
Beats me.
ACTIVIST
How long have you been a smoker?
CUSTOMER
Since I was thirteen.
The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens it and
extracts a sickly-looking lung model.
ACTIVIST
I’d say you’re about twenty nine,
thirty, am I right?
CUSTOMER
What the hell is that?
7.
ACTIVIST
That’s your lung. No, wait...
The ACTIVIST pulls some gummy-substance from the briefcase. He slaps it
onto the model - it represents cancer.
ACTIVIST
That’s your lung. By this time, your
lung looks like this.
CUSTOMER
(taken aback)
You’re shittin’ me.
ACTIVIST
You think I’m shitting you...
The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.
CUSTOMER
What’s this?
ACTIVIST
It’s a trach-ring. It’s what they
install in your throat when throat
cancer takes your voice box. This
one came out of a sixty year old
man.
CUSTOMER
(drops ring)
Unnhhh!
ACTIVIST
(picks ring up)
He smoked until the day he died.
Used to put the cigarette in this
thing and smoke it that way.
DANTE
Excuse me, but...
ACTIVIST
This is where you’re heading. A
cruddy lung, smoking through a hole
in your throat. Do you really want
that?
CUSTOMER
Well, if it’s already too late...
ACTIVIST
It’s never too late. Give those
cigarettes back now, and buy some
gum instead.
CUSTOMER
It ain’t the same.
8.
ACTIVIST
It’s cheaper than cigarettes. And it
beats this.
Hands him a picture.
CUSTOMER
Jesus!
ACTIVIST
It’s a picture of a cancer-ridden
lung. Keep it.
CUSTOMER
(to DANTE)
I’ll take gum instead.
DANTE
Fifty five.
ACTIVIST
You’ve made a wise choice. Keep up
the good work.
The CUSTOMER exits.
DANTE
Maybe you should take that coffee
outside.
ACTIVIST
I’ll drink it in here, thanks.
DANTE
If you’re going to drink it in here,
I’d appreciate it if you’d not
bother the customers.
ACTIVIST
Okay. Sorry about that.
Another CUSTOMER comes in.
CUSTOMER
Pack of Newport.
(looks at model)
What’s that?
ACTIVIST
This? How long have you been
smoking?
CUT TO:
9.
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A BLANK WALL
which JAY steps into the frame and leans against, followed by SILENT
BOB. SILENT BOB yawns; JAY checks his beeper, then does a makeshift slam
dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.
JAY
Neh!
SILENT BOB adjusts his hat. JAY ties his shoe.
JAY
Did you bring change? The small
bills?
SILENT BOB checks his pocket and nods.
JAY
I feel good today, Silent Bob. We’re
gonna make some money! Neh! And then
you know what we’re going to do?
(to the tune of
‘Hello, I Love you’)
Me, and you, and my friend too, in
the bedroom, with girls with lots of
boobs!
(ends song)
We’re gonna get some ... PUSSY!
(screaming)
I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!!
(quieter)
Neh.
SILENT BOB points to something off screen.
JAY
(to OC)
What you looking at?! I’ll kick your
ass! Neh!
(to SILENT BOB)
Doesn’t that motherfucker still owe
me ten bucks?
SILENT BOB nods ‘yes’.
JAY
Tonight, you and me are going to rip
his fucking head out and swallow his
soul! Neh. Next time he tries to buy
a bag, remind me to cut it with
twigs and shit...and leafs. Neh.
People walk past. JAY smiles at them.
10.
JAY
(to people)
Wa sup?
(to SILENT BOB)
Damn, Silent Bob! You one rude
motherfucker! But you’re fucking
cute.
(slowly drops to knees)
I wanna take you in my mouth and
suckle you...
(makes blow job neck-jerks)
And then, I wanna line up three more
guys, and make like a circus seal...
JAY
makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys, looking quite like
a performing seal. He throws a little humming sound behind each nod. He
then hops up quickly.
JAY
Ewwwww! You fucking faggot! I fucking
hate guys!
(yelling)
I LOVE WOMEN!!
(Calmer)
Neh!
A GUYS comes up to them.
Guy
You selling?
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Scene
4 -
Anti-Smoking Militants
Overall:
9.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
9
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
JAY
(all business)
I got hits, hash, weed, blow, and
later on I’ll have ‘shrooms. We take
cash, or stolen Mastercard and Visa.
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A SMALL CROWD
gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It has become something of a
rally.
ACTIVIST
You’re spending, what? Twenty,
thirty dollars a week on cigarettes.
Listener 1
Forty.
Listener 2.
Fifty three.
11.
ACTIVIST
fifty three dollars. Tell me, would
you pay someone that much money
every week if after so many weeks
they were going to kill you? Because
that’s what you’re doing now, by
paying for the so-called privilege
to smoke!
Listener 3
We all gotta go sometime...
ACTIVIST
It’s that kind of mentality that
allows this cancer-producing
industry to thrive! Of course we’re
all going to die someday, but do we
have to pay for it? Do we have to
actually throw hard-earned dollars
on a counter and say "Please,
please, Mister Merchant of Death,
sir; please sell me something that
will fry my lungs and give me lousy
breath, and stink up my clothes,
and make me a social pariah."
Listener 4
It’s not that easy to quit.
ACTIVIST
Of course it’s not; not when you
have people like this mindless
cretin so happy and willing to sell
the packaged death to you!
DANTE
Hey, now wait a sec...
ACTIVIST
Oh, listen to him balk. Now he’ll
launch into his rap about how he’s
just doing his job; following
orders. Well, let me tell you about
another bunch of hate-mongers that
were just following orders: they
were called Nazis, and they
practically wiped a nation of people
from the Earth...just like
cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette
smoking is the new Holocaust, and
those that partake in the practice
of smoking or sell the wares that
promote it are the Nazis of the
nineties! They don’t care how many
people die from it! They smile as
you pay for your cancer sticks and
say ‘thank you’ of ‘have a nice
day’!
12.
DANTE
I think you’d better leave now.
ACTIVIST
you want me to leave?! Why?! Because
somebody is revealing the truth?!
Because somebody is showing you for
what you really are?!
DANTE
You’re loitering in here, and you’re
also casing a disturbance.
ACTIVIST
You’re the disturbance, friend! And
here...
(slaps a dollar on
the counter)
I’m buying some gum. There; I’m no
longer loitering, I’m a customer - a
customer engaged in a discussion
with other customers.
Listener 2
(to DANTE)
Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!
ACTIVIST
Oh, he’s scared now! He sees the
threat we present! He smells the
changes coming, and the loss of
sales when the non-smokers finally
demand satisfaction! We demand the
right to breathe clean air!
Listener 1
Yeah!
ACTIVIST
We want to abolish this heinous
practice, and if it means ruffling
the feathers of some convenience
store jerk, then so be it!
DANTE
That’s it. Everybody out.
ACTIVIST
We’re not moving! We have a right, a
constitutional right to assemble and
be heard!
DANTE
Yeah, but not in here.
13.
ACTIVIST
What better place than this? To
stamp it out, you gotta start at
the source!
DANTE
Like I’m responsible for all the
smokers!
ACTIVIST
The ones in Leonardo, yes! You
encourage their growth, their habit.
You’re the source in this area, and
we’re closing you down for good! For
good, cancer-merchant!
The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE’S face.
THE CROWD
throws cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a loud
blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the thrall. People run
screaming in all directions, mostly toward the door.
VERONICA
stands on one of the freezer cases, spraying the OC crowd with a fire
extinguisher.
VERONICA
Disperse! Disperse!
The crowd flows through the door, followed by the ACTIVIST.
ACTIVIST
(Pausing at the door)
You can’t kill all of us! You...
He is blasted in the face by some extinguisher gunk. He flees.
VERONICA
climbs off the freezer case and places the extinguisher next to DANTE.
DANTE is sitting on the floor, head in his folded arms.
VERONICA
God, I hate anti-smoking militants!
DANTE is silent.
VERONICA
"Thank you, Veronica; you saved me
from an extremely ugly mob scene."
DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.
VERONICA
Alright; stupid question. But don’t
you think you’re taking this a bit
too hard?
DANTE
Too hard?! I don’t have enough
indignities in my life - people
start throwing cigarettes at me!
VERONICA
At least they weren’t lit.
DANTE
I hate this fucking place.
VERONICA
Then quit. You should be going to
school anyway...
DANTE
Please don’t start, Veronica. Last
thing I need is a lecture at this
point.
VERONICA
All I’m saying is that if you’re
unhappy you should leave.
DANTE
I’m not even supposed to be here
today!
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
5 -
Hockey Game Conflict
Overall:
9.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
10
VERONICA
I know. I stopped by your house and
your mom said you left at like nine
or something.
DANTE
Arthur got sick and I had to come
in.
VERONICA
Don’t you have a hockey game at
four?
DANTE
Yes! And I’m going to play like shit
because I didn’t get a good night’s
sleep!
15.
VERONICA
Why did you agree to come in then?
DANTE
I’m only here until two, then I’m
gone. The boss is coming in.
VERONICA
What time?
DANTE
Two, I said.
VERONICA
No, what time did you go to bed? You
left my house at ten thirty.
DANTE
I don’t know; like two thirty,
three.
VERONICA
What were you doing?
DANTE
(skirting)
Hunhh? Nothing.
VERONICA
(persistent)
What were you doing?
DANTE
Nothing! Jesus! I gotta fight with
you now?!
VERONICA
Who’s fighting? Why are you so
defensive?
DANTE
Who’s defensive? Just...Would you
just hug me?! Alright? Your
boyfriend was accosted by an angry
mob, and he needs to be hugged.
She stares at him.
DANTE
What?!
VERONICA
You’re trying to change the subject.
DANTE
What?
16.
VERONICA
You’re trying to change the skirt
something here, and I want to know
what it is.
DANTE
I’m not skirting anything.
VERONICA
Why did you go to be so late?
DANTE
Jesus! I don’t know! I was...
VERONICA
That psychotic called you.
DANTE
... just watching t.v.! What are
you...
VERONICA
I knew it! That fucking bitch called
you.
DANTE
...talking about? Nobody called me.
I was watching t.v.
VERONICA shakes her head angrily.
DANTE
What?! What is that?
VERONICA
She called you, didn’t she?
DANTE
Nobody called me! Would you...Would
you please hug me? I just went
through a very traumatic experience,
and I haven’t been having the best
day so far. Now come on.
VERONICA stares at him.
DANTE
What?! What’s with that look?! I
wasn’t talking to anybody,
especially her! Look at you, being
all sorts of... I don’t know...
stand-offish.
VERONICA looks away.
17.
DANTE
Fine. You don’t trust me, don’t hug
me. Now I see how it is. Alright,
little Miss Pissy-pants, you just go
on being suspicious and quiet. I
don’t even want to hug you at this
point.
VERONICA looks back at him.
DANTE
(pleadingly)
Give you a dollar?
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
6 -
Counter Banter
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A NOTE ON THE COUNTER
next to a small pile of money, reads:
PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE
CHANGE WHEN APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.
DANTE AND VERONICA
are slumped on the floor, behind the counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in
her arms, his head on her chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.
DANTE
(to OC customer)
Thanks.
The door is heard opening and closing - a customer leaving.
VERONICA
How much money did you leave up
there?
DANTE
Like three dollars in mixed change
and a couple of singles. People only
get the paper or coffee this time of
morning.
VERONICA
You’re trusting.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
VERONICA
How do you know they’re taking the
right amount of change? Or even
paying for what they take?
DANTE
Theoretically, people see money on
the counter and nobody around, they
think they’re being watched.
18.
VERONICA
Honesty through paranoia.
DANTE
Yes, I’m testing my hypothesis
gauging the control groups response.
VERONICA
Kind of Pavlovian. Everyone probably
thinks we’re screwing back here.
DANTE
You think so? Next time someone
comes in, moan.
VERONICA
Why?
DANTE
Then people will think I’m a good
lover.
VERONICA
We wouldn’t want them to know the
truth.
DANTE
Nas-ty. Are you saying I’m not a
good lover?
VERONICA
You have your moments.
DANTE
(concerned)
I’m not a good lover?
VERONICA
Calm down. You’re a good lover.
DANTE
Am I a great lover?
VERONICA
I tell you: you are the greatest
composer known to me.
DANTE
You even sound like F. Murray
Abraham.
VERONICA
So what about you?
DANTE
I don’t sound like F. Murray
Abraham.
19.
VERONICA
You know what I mean. I’ve boosted
your ego, now boost mine.
DANTE
You as a lover? You do the job.
VERONICA
Thank you. A fist can ‘do the job’.
DANTE
Well what do you want me to say?
Women, as lovers, are all basically
the same. They just have to be
there.
VERONICA
‘ Be there’?
DANTE
Making a male climax is not all that
challenging; insert somewhere close
and preferably moist; thrust;
repeat.
VERONICA
How flattering.
DANTE
Now, making a woman cum...therein
lies a challenge.
VERONICA
Let’s here this.
DANTE
Every woman requires a different
technique; what works for some
doesn’t work for others. The
talented man is patient and
resourceful, applying various
maneuvers in an effort to discern
the exact procedure that brings a
woman to the heights.
VERONICA
Do you actually believe this stuff?
DANTE
Like bible truth.
VERONICA
I’m insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
it takes a lot more than a wet hole
to get a guy off. Just ‘being there’
- as you put it- is not enough. It
requires some precision timing to
not cut the blood-engorged member on
canines and incisors.
20.
DANTE
(remembering)
Oh shit! I have a dentist
appointment on Wednesday.
VERONICA
And who do you think keeps the train
on track in the throes of passion?
If we left it up to you guys, you’d
fall out every other pull-back.
DANTE
This is a matter of pride with you.
VERONICA
It was astonishing to hear you
trivialize my role in our sex life.
DANTE
It wasn’t directed at you. I was
making a broad generalization.
VERONICA
You were making a generalization
about ‘broads’! You should hear your
Machiavellian self!
DANTE
These are my opinions based on my
experiences with the myriad females
goodly enough to sleep with me.
VERONICA
How many?
DANTE
How many what?
VERONICA
How many girls have you slept with?
DANTE
How many different girls? Didn’t we
already have this discussion once?
VERONICA
We might have; I don’t remember. How
many?
DANTE
Including you?
VERONICA
It better be up to and including me.
DANTE
(pause to count)
Twelve.
21.
VERONICA
You’ve slept with twelve different
girls?
DANTE
Including you; yes.
Pause. She slaps him.
DANTE
What the hell was that for?
VERONICA
You’re a pig.
DANTE
Why’d you slap me?
VERONICA
Do you know how many different men
I’ve had sex with?
DANTE
Do I get to slap you after you tell
me?
VERONICA
Three.
DANTE
Three?!
VERONICA
Three including you.
DANTE
You’ve only had sex with three
different people?
VERONICA
Because I’m not the pig you are.
DANTE
Who?
VERONICA
Who?
DANTE
No; who were the three besides me?
VERONICA
John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.
DANTE
That’s great. I can’t believe that.
22.
VERONICA
Believe it. Only three. And each of
them I dated for a long time before
even considering it.
DANTE
Who’re you kidding? We did stuff on
the first night!
VERONICA
Stuff, but not sex. We didn’t have
sex until four months into our
relationship, you and I.
DANTE
(thinking)
My god, you’re right.
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
7 -
Veronica's Bombshell
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
VERONICA
See?
DANTE
(with true admiration)
Wow. That’s great. That’s something
to be proud of.
VERONICA
I am. And that’s why you should feel
like a pig.
DANTE
Believe me, I do feel like a pig now.
VERONICA
You men make me sick. You’ll sleep
with anything that says yes.
DANTE
Animal, vegetable, or mineral.
VERONICA
Vegetable meaning paraplegic.
DANTE
They put up the least amount of
struggle.
VERONICA
After dropping a bombshell like
that, you owe me.
DANTE
How about I lock the door and pay
you back then?
VERONICA
In small change? I don’t think so.
23.
DANTE
Is that a jab at my penis? Is my
dick small. Because I’d really like
to know if it is.
VERONICA
It’s not a jab at your penis. God;
must everything be about sex with
you? You’re so uptight.
DANTE
Well, you said small change, so...
VERONICA
Yea, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I want you
to come with me on Monday.
DANTE
Where?
VERONICA
To school. There’s a seminar about
getting back into a scholastic
program after a lapse in enrollment.
DANTE
Can’t we ever have a discussion
without that coming up?
VERONICA
It’s important to me, Dante. You
have so much potential that just
goes to waste in this pit. I wish
you’d go back to school.
DANTE
Jesus, would you stop? you make my
head hurt when you talk about this.
VERONICA stands, letting DANTE’S head hit the floor.
DANTE
Shit! You slammed my head on the
floor...
VERONICA
I didn’t slam your head on the
floor.
DANTE
... riddling my cranium with
neurological damage. Why are we
getting up?
She extends her hand to him and pulls him up.
VERONICA
Unlike you, I have a class in forty
five minutes.
24.
A handsome young man (WILLIAM) is standing at the counter. VERONICA
reacts to him.
VERONICA
(surprised)
William! How are you?
WILLIAM
Ronnie! How are you? You work here
now?
VERONICA
(locks arms with DANTE)
No, I’m just visiting my man.
(to DANTE)
Dante, this is William Black.
(to William)
This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.
DANTE
How are you? Just the soda?
WILLIAM
And a pack of Marlboro too.
(to Veronica; paying)
Are you still going to Seton Hall?
VERONICA
No, I transferred into Monmouth this
year. I was tired of missing him.
(squeezes DANTE’S arm)
WILLIAM
Do you still talk to Sylvan?
VERONICA
I just talked to her on Monday. We
still hang out on weekends.
WILLIAM
(leaving)
That’s cool. Tell her I said hi.
VERONICA
I will. Take it easy.
WILLIAM
Bye.
(exits)
VERONICA
Bye.
(under her breath)
Snowball.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
25.
VERONICA
Sylvan and I used to call him
snowball all the time. It’s a
blowjob thing.
DANTE
What do you mean?
VERONICA
After he gets a blowjob, he likes to
have the cum spit back into his
mouth while kissing. It’s called
snowballing.
DANTE
He requested this?!
VERONICA
He gets off on it. It’s not like
he’s gay or anything. He just likes
the taste of his own cum.
DANTE
That’s strange! And Sylvan did that
for him?
VERONICA
(confused)
Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.
DANTE
Yeah, right.
VERONICA
I’m serious.
A moment of silence as DANTE’S chuckles fade to comprehension.
DANTE
You sucked his dick?!
VERONICA
Yeah. How do you think I knew he
liked...
DANTE
(panicky)
But...but you said you only had sex
with three guys! You never mentioned
him!
VERONICA
That’s because I never had sex with
him!
DANTE
You just sucked his dick!?!
26.
VERONICA
We went out a few times. It wasn’t
like I met him and my head started
bobbing!
DANTE
(massive panic attack)
Oh my God! My God! Why did you tell
me you only slept with three guys!?!
VERONICA
Because I did only sleep with three
guys! That doesn’t mean I never went
with anyone else, or just fooled
around.
DANTE
I feel nauseous.
VERONICA
I’m sorry Dante. I thought you
understood.
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
8 -
Dante and Veronica's Argument
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
DANTE
I did understand! I understood that
you slept with three different guys,
and that’s all you said.
VERONICA
Please calm down.
DANTE
How many?
VERONICA
Dante...
DANTE
How many dicks have you sucked?!
VERONICA
Let it go...
DANTE
HOW MANY?!?
VERONICA
Alright! Shut up a second and I’ll
tell you! Jesus! I didn’t freak like
this when you told me how many girls
you fucked.
DANTE
This is different. This is
important. How many?!
She counts in her head, holding up the occasional finger as a mark.
DANTE waits on a customer in the interim. Then another. VERONICA stops
counting.
27.
DANTE
Well...?
VERONICA
(half-mumbled)
Something like thirty six.
DANTE
WHAT?! SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY SIX?!!
VERONICA
Lower your voice!
DANTE
What the hell is that anyway,
‘something like thirty six’?! Does
that include me?!
Dante chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.
DANTE
Wait a minute! Where are you going?!
VERONICA
I’m going to class, Dante! Before
you humiliate me even more.
The CUSTOMER exits.
DANTE
I can’t believe this!
VERONICA
Hey listen, jerk! I never said I was
a pristine virgin! Until today you
never even knew how many guys I’d
slept with, because you never
bothered to ask. And then you act
all nonchalant about fucking twelve
different girls. Well I never had
sex with twelve different guys!
28.
DANTE
No, but you sucked enough dick!
VERONICA
Yeah, I sucked dick a few times...
DANTE
A few?!?
VERONICA
...And one of those dicks was yours!
The last one, I might add, which -
if you’re too stupid to comprehend -
means that I’ve been faithful to you
since we met! All the other guys I
went with before I met you, so if
you want to have a complex about it,
go ahead! But don’t look at me like
I’m the town whore, because you were
plenty busy yourself, before you met
me!
DANTE
(a bit more rational)
Well...why did you have to suck
their dicks? Why didn’t you just
sleep with them, like any decent
person?!
VERONICA
Because going down isn’t a big deal!
It’s like kissing for me. I used to
like a guy, we’d make out, and
sooner or later, I’d go down on him.
But I only had sex with people I was
in love with.
DANTE
I feel sick.
VERONICA
(holds him)
I love you. Don’t feel sick.
DANTE
Every time I kiss you know I’m going
to taste thirty six other guys.
VERONICA violently lets go of him.
VERONICA
I’m going to school. Maybe later
you’ll be a bit more rational.
DANTE
(pause)
Thirty seven. I just can’t...
29.
VERONICA
Goodbye, Dante.
She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in a silence for a moment. Then
he swings the door open and yells out.
DANTE
Try not to suck anymore dicks on
your way through the parking lot!
Two men were walking in the opposite direction outside, double back and
head in the direction VERONICA went.
DANTE
HEY! HEY, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER!
DANTE races after them.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A VIDEO CASSETTE
encased in the customary black box, flips repeatedly, held by an
impatient grasp.
THE IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of ‘Paradise Lost’, making a
strong attempt at not noticing the glare.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
(pissed off)
I thought that place was supposed to
be opened at eleven o’clock? It’s
twenty after!
DANTE
I called his house twice already. He
should be here soon.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
It’s not like it’s a demanding job.
I’d like to get paid to sit around
and watch t.v. The other day I
walked in there and that sonofabitch
was sleeping.
DANTE
I’m sure he wasn’t asleep.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
You calling me a liar?
DANTE
No; he was probably just resting his
eyes.
30.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
What the hell is that? Resting his
eyes?! It’s not like he’s some god
damned air-traffic controller!
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
9 -
Video Store Banter
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
6
Plot:
4
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
DANTE
Actually, that’s his night job.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
Such a smartass. But go ahead. Crack
wise. That’s why you’re jockeying a
register in a fucking convenience
store instead of doing an honest
day’s work.
DANTE
Words like daggers.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
I got no more time to bullshit
around waiting for that sonofabitch.
(tosses tape on counter)
You make sure this gets back. The
number’s eight twelve - Wynarski.
And I wanted to get a damn movie
too.
DANTE
If you’ll just tell me the title of
your rental choice, I’ll have him
hold it for you when he comes in.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
Don’t bother. I’m going to Big
Choice Video instead.
He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.
DANTE
(in a whisper)
You forgot your keys.
THE HALF-FILLED TRASH CAN
swallows the ring of keys.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
ANOTHER VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER
leans against the video store door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and
stops. He glances at the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.
V.A. CUSTOMER
The guy ain’t here yet.
RANDAL
You’re kidding. It’s almost eleven
thirty!
31.
V.A. CUSTOMER
I know. I’ve been here since eleven.
RANDAL
(kicks the door)
Man! I hate it when I can’t rent
videos!
(punches glass)
V.A. CUSTOMER
I would’ve went to Big Choice, but
the tape I want is right there on
the wall.
RANDAL
Which one?
V.A. CUSTOMER
‘Dental School’.
RANDAL
You came for that too? That’s the
movie I came for.
V.A. CUSTOMER
I have first dibs.
RANDAL
Says who?
V.A. CUSTOMER
I’ve been waiting here for half an
hour. I’d call that first dibs. It’s
only fair.
RANDAL
Life isn’t fair. And neither is the
cutthroat world of video renting.
V.A. CUSTOMER
(not amused)
Whatever. But that tape is mine.
RANDAL
(relenting)
Relax. The tape is your’s.
V.A. CUSTOMER
You’re damn right it is. Nothing
short of God is going to stop me
from getting that tape.
RANDAL
(taken aback)
Well! We’ll just see what the guy in
charge says when he finally shows up
to open, won’t we?
32.
Randal walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a sentry at a
post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
You see a pair of keys lying around
here somewhere?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
RANDAL
dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees DANTE and stops dead,
mid-shuffle.
DANTE
You’re late.
RANDAL
What the hell are you doing here? I
thought you were playing hockey at
four.
DANTE
The boss called at nine. Arthur fell
ill.
RANDAL
No shit. I’m glad he didn’t call me.
DANTE
He did call you. He said it sounded
like you were in bed with another
man.
RANDAL
If I’d known you were working, I
would’ve come even later.
A PILE OF VIDEO CASSETTES
is piled onto the counter, with a single key atop.
DANTE
(OC)
Well, you were missed, I assure you.
The locals are screaming for your
blood.
RANDAL
balances the pile of tapes on his head.
RANDAL
What time do you have to stay ‘til?
DANTE
He assured me that he’d be here by
two.
33.
RANDAL
The boss?! Shit, man! How am I
supposed to get some sleep?
DANTE
Go open the store. I don’t want to
see the town draw and quarter you.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER
now sits on the ground, next to the video store door. RANDAL balances
his burden and shoves the key into the lock. The Very Anxious Customer
stares as Randal enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to
be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later by Randal. He
smiles and hums pleasantly, as the woman rises and enters.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A COFFEE FILTER
is shoved into the metal pan and ground coffee heaps upon it. We’ve seen
this same routine before.
DANTE
crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters, tossing the key into the air
happily and catching it.
RANDAL
Some guy just came in refusing to
pay late fees. He said the store was
closed for two hours yesterday. I
tore up his membership.
DANTE
Shocking abuse of authority.
RANDAL
I lord over the video selections of
this one-horse town.
RANDAL
Don’t let it go to your head.
RANDAL
Now I know why there has always been
an aristocracy; a monarchy. I can
appreciate the philosophy of the
ruling class.
DANTE
You work in a video store. And
badly, I might add.
RANDAL
Want something to drink? I’m buying.
34.
Randal adjusts a container full of licorice.
RANDAL
pulls a soda from the cooler.
Genres:
["comedy"]
Scene
10 -
The Caitlin Dilemma
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
Who was on your phone this morning
at about two thirty? I was trying to
call for a half an hour. I wanted to
use your car.
He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at it.
RANDAL
Snack cake?
DANTE
climbs into his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a paper and joins
him behind the counter, sitting on a stack of magazines.
DANTE
You don’t want to know.
RANDAL
Again? That girl’s got balls of
steel.
DANTE
Caitlin calls all the time lately.
RANDAL
Do you ever tell Veronica?
DANTE
One fight a day with Veronica is
about all I can stomach, thanks.
RANDAL
What do you fight about?
DANTE
I guess it’s not really fighting.
She just wants me to leave here, go
back to school, get some direction,
shave...
RANDAL
Shave?
DANTE
It chafes.
RANDAL
I’ve heard that before.
(opening paper)
I’ll bet the most frequent topic of
arguments is Caitlin Bree.
DANTE
You win.
35.
RANDAL
I’m going to offer you some advice
my friend, and I don’t want you to
take this the wrong way; remove all
thoughts of Caitlin Bree from your
consciousness. You’ve been with
Veronica for how long now?
DANTE
Seven months.
RANDAL
All the points she made - with the
exception of the shaving request -
are comments only made by someone
who cares.
DANTE
Or someone who whines.
RANDAL
How long did you date Caitlin?
DANTE
Five years.
RANDAL
Chick only made you miserable. She
cheated on you how many times?
DANTE
Eight, almost nine.
RANDAL
(looks up from paper)
Almost nine? What does that mean?
DANTE
We were at a party senior year and I
got blitzed and passed out in a
bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives
all over me. Tells me to take her
from behind.
RANDAL
You’re kidding.
DANTE
I tell you, it was the most
incredible sex we ever had. It was
fantastic.
RANDAL
Where’s the cheating come in?
DANTE
In the middle of it, she calls me
Brad.
36.
RANDAL
She called you Brad?
DANTE
She called me Brad.
RANDAL
That’s not cheating. People say
crazy shit during sex. One time, I
called Samantha ‘Mom’.
DANTE
I hit the lights, and she freaks.
Turns out she thought I was Brad
Jobran.
RANDAL
What do you mean?
DANTE
She was going to cheat on me, and
she was supposed to meet Brad Jobran
in a bedroom. She picked the wrong
one.
RANDAL
On my God.
DANTE
Great story, isn’t it?
RANDAL
That girl was vile to you.
DANTE
Interesting post-script to that
story: do you know who wound up
going with Brad Jobran in the other
dark bedroom?
RANDAL
Your mother.
DANTE
Allan Harris.
RANDAL
Chess team Allan Harris?!
DANTE
The two moved to Idaho together
after graduation. They raise sheep.
RANDAL
That’s frightening.
DANTE
Yeah, well, different strokes...
37.
RANDAL
In light of this lurid tale, I don’t
see how you could even romanticize
your relationship with Caitlin - the
demon/bitch that broke your heart
and inadvertently drove men to
deviant lifestyles.
DANTE
Because there was a lot of good in
our relationship.
RANDAL
Oh yeah.
DANTE
I’m serious. Aside from the
cheating, we were a great couple.
But that’s what high school’s all
about - Algebra, bad lunch, and
infidelity.
RANDAL
You think things would be any
different now?
DANTE
They are. When she calls me now,
she’s a different person - she’s
frightened and vulnerable. She’s
about to finish college and enter
the real world. That’s got to be
scary for anyone.
RANDAL
We’re in the real world; it’s not
scary.
DANTE
No, but we’re used to it now.
Caitlin’s been cloistered away in a
campus life for four years. It’s
gotta be frightening to leave that
behind.
RANDAL
(reading)
A store got robbed in Hazlet.
DANTE
I’m talking to myself here.
RANDAL
No, no I’m listening. She’s leaving
college....
38.
DANTE
...and she’s looking to me for
support. And I think that this bond
of trust is leading our relationship
to a new level. And it’s going to be
hard to allow that relationship to
blossom if I’m involved with
Veronica.
RANDAL
So that’s why all the arguments?
DANTE
I think so. I think it’s some kind
of manifestation of a subconscious
desire to break away from Veronica
so that I can pursue the possibility
of a more meaningful relationship
with Caitlin.
RANDAL
Caitlin’s on the same wave-length?
DANTE
I think it’s safe to say yes.
RANDAL
Then I think all four of you had
better sit down and talk it over.
DANTE
All four of us?
RANDAL
You, Veronica, Caitlin...
(lays paper flat)
...and Caitlin’s fiancé.
THE HEADLINE
of the Engagement Announcement reads ‘BREE TO MARRY ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR’.
CUT TO:
INTO VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
11 -
Video Store Shenanigans
Overall:
8.2
Concept:
8
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
RANDAL
Yes, I’d like to place an order,
please...Thank you.
A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.
MOTHER
Excuse me, but do you sell video
tapes?
39.
RANDAL
We have a limited selection in the
store, but I can order any title we
don’t have. What were you looking
for?
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
MOTHER
(smiling)
It’s called ‘Happy Scrappy - The
Hero Pup’.
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
RANDAL
I’m on the phone with the
distribution house now. Let me make
sure they have it. What’s it called
again?
MOTHER
‘Happy Scrappy - The Hero Pup’.
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
MOTHER
(more smiling)
She loves the tape.
RANDAL
Obviously.
(to phone)
Yes, hello this is R.S.T. Video
calling. Customer number four, three
, five, zero, two , nine. I’d like
to place an order... Okay...
(reading from the list)
I need one of each of the following
tapes ; ‘Whisper on the Wind’ , ‘To
Each His Own’, ‘Put It Where It
Doesn’t Belong’, ‘My Pipes Need
Cleaning’, ‘ All Tit-Fucking, Vol.
Eight’, ‘ I Need Your Cock’, ‘Ass-
Worshipping Rim Jobbers’, ‘ My Cunt
and Eight shafts’, ‘Cum Clean’, ‘Cum
Gargling Naked Sluts’, ‘ Cum Buns
Three’, ‘Cumming in a Sock’, ‘Cum on
Eileen’, ‘ Huge Black Cocks with
Pearly White Cum’, ‘Slam It Up My
Too-Loose Ass’, ‘ Ass Blasters in
Outer Space’, ‘Blowjobs by Betsy’,
‘Sucking Cock and Cunt’, ‘ Finger My
Ass’, ‘Play with my Puss’, ‘ Three
on a Dildo’, ‘ Girls Who Crave
Dicks’, ‘ Girls Who Crave Cunt’,
‘Men Alone Two - The K.Y.
Connection’, ‘ Pink Pussy Lips’, and
‘All Holes Filled with Hard Cock’.
Oh, and ...
(to Mother)
What was the name of that movie?
40.
MOTHER
(nearly dazed)
‘Happy Scrappy - The Hero Pup’.
RANDAL
(to phone)
And a copy of ‘Happy Scrappy - The
Hero Pup’ ....Okay, thanks.
(hangs up; to MOTHER)
Sixteen forty nine. It’ll be here
Monday.
Silence. Then...
CHILD
Cunt!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is on the phone.
DANTE
Yes, I’d like to check on a misprint
or error in today’s edition...
Today’s edition...It says Bree to
wed Asian Design Major...In the
announcements column... No, no;
everything’s spelled fine. I just
wanted to know if the piece was a
misprint or something...I don’t
know, like a typographical error or
something...Maybe it’s supposed to
be Caitlin Bray, or Caitlin Bree,
with one ‘e’...I’m a curious party
...A curious party...I’m an ex-
boyfriend...Well, it’s just that we
talk all the time, and she never
mentioned this engagement, which is
why I’m thinking maybe it’s a
misprint....Are you sure?... Maybe
there’s like a vindictive printer
working for you...Meaning like
someone who maybe - I don’t know -
asked her out once and got shot
down, and his revenge is throwing
this bogus article in when the
paper went to press...Hello?...
Hello?
DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his head. He
walks back to the counter and begins ringing up an order (BUYER), which
includes fabric softener; a REFLECTIVE customer stares at the fabric
softener.
DANTE
(to BUYER)
Eight twelve.
The Buyer digs for the change and then abruptly turns attention to
REFLECTIVE.
41.
BUYER
What the hell are you looking at?
REFLECTIVE
(caught off-guard)
Hunhh? Oh sorry.
BUYER
What, is there something on my
shirt, or...
REFLECTIVE
No, no. I was just staring at your
fabric softener and I kind of...
BUYER
Noticed what a rip off this store
is?
REFLECTIVE
No, I was thinking about this kitten
my family had when I was nine.
INSERT
Quick shot of kitten.
BUYER
(hands DANTE money)
Kitten?
REFLECTIVE
Scruples. Our neighbor’s cat had
kittens and we adopted one. We named
him Scruples.
BUYER
(to DANTE)
I think I have the change in my
pocket.
REFLECTIVE
That kitten loved to sleep. It was
the only kitten I’ve ever seen that
didn’t want to run and play and all
that shit. It just liked to sleep.
INSERT:
Quick shot of kitten sleeping.
BUYER
(to DANTE)
Can I have a bag that that?
REFLECTIVE
See, the thing was, Scruples loved
to find weird places to crawl up in
and sleep. He’d crawl into a shoe
and sleep, or in a tupperware bowl.
He liked warm places.
42.
BUYER
(finding change)
Here it is.
REFLECTIVE
One morning, my mother was doing
laundry, you know? And she forgot
some whites in the hamper.
CUT TO:
INT LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK: A WOMAN
walks away from an open dryer, passing a kitten.
Genres:
["comedy"]
Scene
12 -
Pets and Prunes
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
OC REFLECTIVE
So she goes to get them. And she
left the dryer door open, which was
really no big deal- she’d done it
thousands of times before.
THE KITTEN
stares at the open dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
But we never had a kitten before.
THE WOMAN
grabs the clothes from the hamper.
OC REFLECTIVE
So while my mother is getting the
other laundry...
THE KITTEN
is halfway in the dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
...Scruples was finding a new warm
place to sleep.
THE WOMAN
enters the kitchen with the whites. She drops them on the floor and
pulls the washed laundry from the washing machine. She reacts to the
phone and answers it, holding the laundry.
OC REFLECTIVE
And then my Aunt Kathy called, so my
mother wasn’t paying too much
attention to anything really.
She tosses the laundry into the dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
It’s no big deal. I mean, who looks
in the dryer before they turn it on
anyway?
THE KITTEN
is quickly glimpsed from beneath wet clothes as the dryer door slams
shut.
43.
OC REFLECTIVE
The vet said it probably wasn’t that
painful.
A HAND
turns the dryer dial and presses the starting button.
OC REFLECTIVE
He said Scruples might have even
slept through it.
THE DRYER
slightly vibrates, performing it’s duties.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
and the Buyer stare more-or-less open-mouthed. The REFLECTIVE man gazes
into space.
REFLECTIVE
We never had another pet after that.
My mother was institutionalized
three years later.
(shakes off his fog)
Do you have dried prunes?
DANTE
(hands bag to BUYER)
Um...no. No, we’ve never had those.
REFLECTIVE
Damn. Okay, well thanks anyway.
(to BUYER)
If you’re going to use those things,
make sure...well, just be careful.
The REFLECTIVE man exits. DANTE and the BUYER stand in silence. The door
swings open and RANDAL leans in.
RANDAL
(excitedly)
Turn on Channel nine: Hermaphrodites!
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
JAY, SILENT BOB, AND OLAF
lean against the wall.
44.
JAY
I was in there, man. I was sliding
and slipping. And all the sudden she
comes out with "Don’t cum in me." It
ruined the mood, man. So then I
gotta pull out and spank it to get
it on. I fucking hate jerking off
when I don’t have to, dude. It’s the
biggest let-down. So I blow a nut on
her belly, and I get out of there,
just as my uncle walks in. And he’s
asking what we were doing, and I’m
like "Listening to c.d.’s and
talking". It was such a close call.
I tell you what, dude: I don’t care
if she is my cousin, I’m gonna knock
those boots again tonight.
TWO GIRLS join them
JAY
Oh shit; look who it is. The human
vacuum. Nynne!
GIRL 1
Scumbag, What are you doing?
JAY
Nothing. Just hanging out, talking
with Silent Bob and his cousin.
GIRL 1
(to SILENT BOB)
He’s your cousin?
JAY
Check this out, he’s from Russia.
GIRL 1
No way.
JAY
I sweat to God. Silent Bob, am I
lying?
SILENT BOB shakes his head ‘no’.
JAY
See? And Silent Bob never told a lie
in his life.
Girl 2
What part of Russia?
JAY
I don’t fucking know. What am I, his
biographer?
(to OLAF)
Olaf: What part of Russia are you
from?
OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.
45.
Silent Bob
(in Russian)
Home.
OLAF
(comprehending)
Moscow.
GIRL 1
He only speaks Russian?
JAY
He knows some English, but he can’t
not say it good like we do.
Girl 2
Is he staying here?
JAY
He’s moving to the big city next
week. Check this out: he wants to be
a metal singer.
GIRL 1
No way!
JAY
(to OLAF)
Olaf: Metal!
OLAF makes a metal face and strikes an air guitar chord.
JAY
(laughing)
That’s his fucking metal face. He
fucking kills me.
(to OLAF)
Olaf: girls nice?
OLAF looks the girls up and down.
OLAF
(in Russian)
Skrelnick.
JAY
(laughs)
That’s fucked up.
GIRL 1
What’d he say?
JAY
I don’t know, but he makes me laugh
man. he’s a fucking character.
Girl 2
He really wants to play metal?
46.
JAY
He’s got his own metal band back in
Moscow. I think it’s called ‘Fuck
Your Yankee Blue Jeans’ or something
like that.
GIRL 1
That doesn’t sound metal.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
13 -
Berserker
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
JAY
You gotta hear him sing.
(to OLAF)
OLAF: Berserker!
OLAF laughs and shakes his head.
JAY
Come on, man. Sing ‘Berserker’!
Olaf laughs and shakes his head again.
Girl 2
Does he sing in English or Russian?
JAY
English.
(to OLAF)
Come on, man. Berserker! Girls like.
Think Olaf sexy.
OLAF
(relents)
Da. Da.
JAY
He’s gonna sing it. This is too
funny.
OLAF
(in broken English)
MY LOVE FOR YOU JUST LIKE A TRUCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!
JAY
(laughing)
That kills me!
GIRL 1
Did he say ‘making fuck’?
JAY
Wait, there’s more.
(to OLAF)
Olaf: sing...
(makes pot-smoking face)
OLAF
(nods in understanding)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE ROCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
SOME POT? BERSERKER!
47.
CUT TO:
INT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
leans back in his chair, staring up at the t.v. The theme to ‘Star Wars’
plays. He stands up, points the remote, clicks the t.v. off, and
ponders.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL LOCKS THE DOOR
and walks away, while OLAF sings for the small crowd.
OLAF
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
COCK? BERSERKER!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can is stuck on a
MAN’S hand.
DANTE
You hold the counter and I’ll pull.
MAN
Usually I just turn the can upside
down.
DANTE
(pulling)
Maybe we should soap up your hand or
something.
MAN
(straining)
They oughta put some kind of warning
on these cans, like they do with
cigarettes.
DANTE
I think it’s coming now...
The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The man rubs his
hand.
MAN
Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
to go to the hospital.
DANTE
I’ll throw this out. Precautionary
measure.
MAN
It stings a little.
48.
DANTE
A work of advice; sometimes it’s
best to let those hard to reach
chips go.
DANTE steps behind the counter.
MAN
Thanks.
The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister away.
DANTE
You know that article is accurate?
Caitlin’s really engaged to an Asian
design major. Can you believe that?!
RANDAL
You know what I just watched?
DANTE
Me pulling a can off some moron’s
fist.
RANDAL
‘Return of the Jedi’.
DANTE
Didn’t you hear me? Caitlin really
is getting married.
RANDAL
Which did you like better: ‘Jedi’ or
‘The Empire Strikes Back’?
DANTE
‘Empire’ had the better ending; Luke
gets his hand cut off, and find out
Vader’s his father; Han gets frozen
and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends
on such a down note. And that’s life
- a series of down endings. All
‘Jedi’ had was a lot of muppets.
RANDAL
There was something else going on in
‘Jedi’. I never noticed it until
today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE
What’s that?
49.
RANDAL
Alright, Vader’s boss...
DANTE
The Emperor.
RANDAL
Right; the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE
How do you mean?
RANDAL
Well, he’s like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He’s a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.
DANTE
I guess.
RANDAL
Now, he’s in charge of the Empire.
The entire imperial government is
under his control. And the entire
galaxy is under Imperial rule.
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Then wouldn’t that logically mean
that it’s a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to treason that
the government is therefore one
based on religion.
DANTE
It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebels forces
were therefore battling religious
persecution.
DANTE
More of less.
RANDAL
The only problem is that at no point
in this series did I ever hear Leia
or any of the Rebels declare a
particular religious belief.
50.
DANTE
Just because they were fighting the
theocratic Empire, that doesn’t
necessarily mean they themselves
ascribed to any particular faith.
Maybe they just wanted freedom to
choose any religion they wanted.
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance","Drama"]
Scene
14 -
Contractors and Politics
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
7
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
You know what else I noticed in
‘Jedi’?
DANTE
There’s more?
A BLUE COLLAR MAN enters and heads to the coffee machine.
RANDAL
Oh yes. So they build another Death
Star, right?
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Now the last one they built was
completed and fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it’s due.
RANDAL
And this one was still being built
when the rebels blew it up.
DANTE
Lando Calrissian did that one.
RANDAL
There was something that never sat
right with me the second time they
destroyed it. I could never put my
finger on it - something didn’t sit
right about it the second time
around.
DANTE
And you figured is out?
RANDAL
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial
army; stormtroopers, dignitaries -
the only people on board were
Imperials.
DANTE
Basically.
51.
RANDAL
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.
DANTE
And the second time around....?
RANDAL
The second time around, it wasn’t
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.
DANTE
So?
RANDAL
The Death Star doesn’t just build
itself. People have to build it. And
do you think only Imperials were
building it.
DANTE
Of course.
RANDAL
Wrong, my friend. A construction job
of that magnitude would require a
helluva lot more manpower. I’ll bet
there were independent contractors
working on that thing: plumbers,
aluminum siders, roofers.
DANTE
Please.
RANDAL
Think about it, Dante. In order to
get it built quickly and quietly
they'd hire anybody who could do the
job. Do you think the average storm
trooper knows how to install a
toilet main? All they know is
killing and white uniforms.
DANTE
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the
Death Star, why are you uneasy with
its destruction?
RANDAL
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had
nothing to do with.
(notices Dante's confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer,
and some juicy government contract
comes your way; you got the wife
and kids and the two-story in
suburbia-this is a government
contract, which means all sorts of
benefits. All of a sudden these
left-wing militants blast you with
lasers and wipe out everyone within
a three-mile radius.
52.
You didn't ask for that. You have
no personal politics. You're just
trying to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to
interrupt, but what were you
talking about?
RANDAL
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
a roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.
RANDAL
Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a
job up in the hills. A beautiful
house with tons of property. It was
a simple reshingling job, but I was
told that if it was finished within
a day, my price would be doubled.
Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE
Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL
"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed
the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE
Based on personal politics.
53.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Foresci
family put a hit on Babyface's
house. My friend was shot and
killed. He wasn't even finished
shingling.
RANDAL
No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens
to this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.
The Blue-Collar Man exits. Dante and Randal remain
respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
door and pokes her head in.
WOMAN
Is that video store open or not?
CUT TO:
INT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
reads a newspaper, tipping his chair back. An INDESCISIVE CUSTOMER
studies the two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
the other, repeatedly.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
15 -
Indecisive Customer
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(attempting to solicit help)
They say so much, but they never
tell you if it’s any good.
RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The INDECISIVE
CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was even heard. She tries
again, but this time with a different approach.
I.C.
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries harder.
I.C.
(louder and more direct)
Sir!
RANDAL continues to read.
RANDAL
(flatly)
What?
54.
THE INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.
I.C.
(politely)
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL as always, reads on.
RANDAL
(again, flatly)
I don’t watch movies.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put off.
I.C.
Well, have you heard anything about
either of them?
RANDAL does his level-headed best to not get involved.
RANDAL
(reading)
No.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.
I.C.
(in disbelief)
You’ve never heard anybody say
anything about either movie?
RANDAL (OC)
I find it best to stay out of other
people’s affairs.
I.C.
(with a new determination)
Well, how about these two movies?
(holds the same two)
RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.
RANDAL
They suck.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at Randal and his paper. She has
caught him.
I.C.
I just held up the same two movies.
You’re not even paying attention.
RANDAL
No, I’m not.
I.C.
I don’t think your manager would
appreciate...
RANDAL
(turning the page)
I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
55.
I.C.
I beg your pardon!
RANDAL
(reading on)
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
trick me.
I.C.
(defending herself)
I only pointed out that you weren’t
paying any attention to what I was
saying.
RANDAL
(turning page and reading)
I hope it feels good.
I.C.
You hope what feels good?
RANDAL
I hope it feels so good to be right.
There is nothing more exhilarating
than pointing out the shortcomings
of other, is there, ma’am?
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter disbelief in the
audacity of this most lackadaisical video clerk. The unmoving newspaper
illustrates the total disinterest of the news-hungry Randal. The
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
back onto the wall.
I.C.
(in a huff)
Well this is the last time I ever
rent here...
RANDAL (OC)
You’ll be missed.
I.C.
(losing it altogether)
Screw you!
She storms out. The paper that Randal is reading lowers suddenly, and we
see that he is offended.
RANDAL
(a whisper of resentment)
Screw me?
He hops over the counter and whips the door open.
RANDAL
(calling after her)
You’re not allowed to rent here
anymore, you got that?!
Randal closes the door and stands there momentarily, totally appalled by
her exiting remark.
56.
RANDAL
(shaking his head)
Screw me!
He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys. Exiting, He
locks the door behind him from outside, gives it a tug to insure its
security, and storms off in the opposite direction of the woman.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is staring, open-mouthed, at something OC. RANDAL hurls the door open
and immediately launches into his tirade.
RANDAL
You’ll never believe what this unruly
customer just said...
DANTE
(a hand up to urge
him to hush)
Wait.
RANDAL
(looking around)
She’s in here?
DANTE
This guy is going through all of the
eggs. Look.
AN ODD MAN
sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs, all opened. He grabs a
carton from the cooler case, pops it open, and examines each egg
carefully.
DANTE (OC)
This has been going on for twenty
minutes.
RANDAL AND DANTE
study the OC oddity.
RANDAL
What’s he looking for?
DANTE
He said he had to find a perfect
dozen.
RANDAL
Perfect dozen.
DANTE
Each egg has to be perfect.
RANDAL
The quest isn’t going well?
57.
DANTE
Obviously not. Look at all the
cartons that didn’t make the grade.
THE ODD MAN
holds an egg up to the light and studies it from several different
angles.
RANDAL (OC)
Why doesn’t he just mix and match?
DANTE (OC)
I told him that and he yelled at me.
RANDAL
snickers at his friend.
RANDAL
What did he say?
Genres:
["comedy"]
Scene
16 -
The Odd Egg Man
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
8
DANTE
He said that not everyone took the
easy way out. he said it was
important to have standards. He said
nobody has pride anymore.
RANDAL
It’s not like you laid the eggs yourself.
DANTE
I’ll give him five more minutes and
then I’m calling the cops. I don’t
need this, man. I’m not even
supposed to be here today.
A SMOKER steps up to the counter.
Smoker
Pack of Newport, pack of Marlboro.
Dante manages to break his study of the OC oddity and searches for the
smokes. The smoker glances at Randal and then at the OC oddity.
THE ODD MAN
is spinning an egg on the floor.
The SMOKER
looks at RANDAL.
RANDAL
(still staring at
the ODD MAN)
I’m as puzzled as you, dude.
Smoker
(paying DANTE)
I’ve seen it before.
DANTE
You know that guy?
58.
Smoker
No; I’ve seen that behavior before.
Looking for the perfect carton of
eggs, right?
RANDAL
(a bit astonished)
Yeah. How’d you know?
Smoker
I’ll bet you a million bucks that
the guy’s a Guidance Counselor.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
Smoker
I was in Food City last year when
the same thing happened, different
guy though. Stock boy told me that
the guy had been looking through the
eggs for like half an hour, doing
all sorts of crazy endurance tests
and shit with them. I ask the kids
how come nobody called the manager,
and he says it happens twice a week,
sometimes more.
RANDAL
Get out of here.
Smoker
I kid you not. They call it Shell
Shock. Only happens with Guidance
Counselors for some reason. The kid
said they used to make a big deal
about it, but there’s no point.
THE ODD MAN
places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor. He quickly whisks the
handkerchief away to reveal the egg still sitting on the floor.
Smoker (OC)
He said they always pay for whatever
they break and then never bother
anybody.
DANTE
Randal, and the smoker stare at the OC man.
DANTE
Why Guidance Counselors?
Smoker
If your job served as little purpose
as theirs wouldn’t you lose it too?
RANDAL
Come to think of it, my Guidance
Counselor was kind of worthless.
59.
Smoker
(grabbing matches)
See? It’s important to have a job
that makes a difference, boys. That’s
why I’m a pollster.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
17 -
Conversations at the Convenience Store Counter
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
4
Plot:
5
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
9
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
POV RANDAL - THE EMPTY COUNTER
and then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding money. She
can’t be more than five.
Little Girl
(innocently)
Can I have a pack of cigarettes?
RANDAL
without looking up from his magazine, takes her money.
RANDAL
What kind?
Little Girl
Marlboro.
RANDAL completes the transaction, still reading. The LITTLE GIRL puts a
cigarette in her mouth. RANDAL hands her matches.
Little Girl
Thank you.
She skips away as DANTE returns to the counter holding a feather duster.
DANTE
Did you ever notice all the prices
in this place end with a nine. Damn
that’s eerie.
RANDAL
You know what the average jizz-
mopper makes per hour?
DANTE
What’s a jizz mopper?
RANDAL
He’s the guy in those nudie-booth
joints who cleans up after each guy
that jerks off.
DANTE
Nudie-booth?
RANDAL
You’ve never been in a nudie-booth?
DANTE
I guess not.
A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter, DANTE rings her up.
60.
RANDAL
Oh, it’s great. You step into this
little booth and there’s this window
between you and this naked woman,
and she puts on this little show for
like ten bucks.
DANTE
What kind of show?
RANDAL
Think of the weirdest things you’d
like to see a chick do. These chicks
do it all. They insert things into
any opening in their body... ANY
opening.
(to CUSTOMER)
He’s lead a very sheltered life.
DANTE
(indicating CUSTOMER)
Can we talk about this later?
RANDAL
And the jizz-mopper’s job is to
clean up the booths afterwards,
because practically everybody shoots
a load against the window, and I
don’t know if you know this, but cum
leaves streaks if you don’t clean it
right away.
CUSTOMER
(grabbing her bag,
disgusted)
This is the last time I come to this
place. You’re both foul-mouthed and
I find your conversation offensive.
The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting an apology.
RANDAL
Well, if you think that’s offensive...
RANDAL flips open the magazine’s centerfold - a graphic picture of a
woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread wide open.
RANDAL
... then check this out. I think you
can see her kidneys.
RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically apologizes
to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.
DANTE
Ma’am, ma’am, I’m sorry! Please,
wait a second, ma’am...
The door closes and the CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE turns on RANDAL.
DANTE
Why do you do things like that? You
know she’s going to come back and
tell the boss.
61.
RANDAL
I don’t care. That lady’s an
asshole. All of the people that come
in here are too uptight. This job
would be perfect if it weren’t for
the fucking customers.
DANTE
I’m gonna hear it tomorrow. "You
were talking dirty to the
customers?"
RANDAL
You gotta loosen up, my friend. You’d
feel a hell of a lot better if you’d
rip into the occasional customer.
DANTE
What for? They don’t bother me if I
don’t bother them.
RANDAL
Liar! Tell me there aren’t customers
that annoy the piss out of you on a
daily basis.
DANTE
There aren’t.
RANDAL
You pig. How can you lie like that.
Vent! Vent your frustration. Come
on; let’s hear it: who pisses you
off?
DANTE
(reluctantly)
It’s not really anyone per se, it’s
more of separate groupings.
RANDAL
Come on. Let it out.
DANTE
(pause)
The milk maids.
RANDAL
The milk maids?
INSERT - MILK HANDLER
A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the cooler for
that perfect container of milk.
O.C. DANTE
The women that go through every
gallon of milk looking for a later
date. As if somewhere - beyond all
the other gallons - is a container
of milk that won’t go bad for like a
decade.
62.
END INSERT
RANDAL
See? I knew it. You’re unwinding.
That’s good. You’ve gotta let it
out, my friend. I’ll help you. You
know who I can do without? I could
do without the people in the video
store.
DANTE
Which ones?
RANDAL
All of them.
MONTAGE INSERT #1 - VIDEO JERKS
A series of people addressing the camera asking the dumb questions.
First
Do you have that one with the guy
who was in that movie that was out
last year?
Second
(in front of stocked
new release shelf)
Do you have any new movies in?
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
18 -
Annoying Customers and Personal Anecdotes
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
Third
What would you get for a six year
old boy who chronically wets his
bed?
END INSERT
RANDAL
And they never rent quality flicks;
they always pick the most
intellectually devoid movie on the
rack.
MONTAGE INSERT #2 - "Ooooh!..."
An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.
First
Ooooh! ‘Hook’!
Second
Oooh! ‘Navy Seals’!
Third
Ooooh! ‘Home Alone’!
END INSERT
RANDAL
It’s like in order to join, they
have to have an I.Q. less than their
shoe size.
63.
DANTE
You think you get stupid questions?
You should hear the barrage of
stupid questions I get.
MONTAGE INSERT #3 - DUMB QUESTIONS
A series of people standing in various locations throughout the
convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.
First
(holding coffee)
What do you mean there’s no ice? You
mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?!
Second
(holding up item from
clearly-marked ‘99¢’
display)
How much?
Third
(peeking in door)
Do you sell hub-caps?
END INSERT
RANDAL
(laughing)
Who asked you that?
DANTE
True story. I swear.
RANDAL
You know what people get to me in a
weird way? The people that buy
toilet paper.
DANTE
Toilet paper.
RANDAL
Yeah. Nobody comes to a convenience
store and pays two bucks for a roll
of toilet paper unless they’re in
dire need, you know?
MONTAGE INSERT #4 - IN DIRE NEED
Various shots of people approaching the counter in crouched, bent over,
and desperate strides, carrying toilet paper rolls.
OC Randal
And every time one of them comes up
to the counter, you just know that
either their shit’s on the way, or
it’s sitting there already.
END INSERT
DANTE
That bother you?
64.
RANDAL
I don’t know, I just find it kind of
tacky. It’s like, I then know,
without a doubt, what they’re going
to be doing in the next ten minutes.
A female customer places a box of tampons on the counter.
VERONICA
enters the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum
foil.
VERONICA
Little help?
DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under her arm.
DANTE
What are you doing here? Why aren’t
you in class?
VERONICA
My afternoon class got canceled. I
stopped home and brought you some
lunch.
DANTE
What is it?
VERONICA
Peanut Butter and jelly with the
crusts cut off. What do you think it
is? It’s lasagna.
DANTE
Really?
(kisses her forehead)
You’re the best.
VERONICA
I’m glad you’ve calmed down a bit.
(to RANDAL)
Hi Randal.
DANTE
(to OC)
Shut up!
(to Veronica)
Yes, I’ve calmed down. I’m still not
happy about it, but I’ve been able
to deal.
RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from OC.
DANTE
(to OC)
Why don’t you go back to the video
store?
65.
RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He exits.
VERONICA
You had to tell him.
DANTE
I had to tell someone. He put it
into perspective.
VERONICA
What did he say?
DANTE
At least he wasn’t thirty six.
VERONICA
And that made you feel better?
DANTE
And he said most of them are college
guys I’ve never met or seen.
VERONICA
The ostrich syndrome; if you don’t
see it...
DANTE
...it isn’t there. Yes.
VERONICA
Thank you for being rational.
DANTE
Thank you for the lasagna.
VERONICA
I’m going to go back to school now.
DANTE
What time do you get finished?
VERONICA
Eight. But I have a sorority meeting
‘till nine, so I’ll be back before
you close. Can we go out and get some coffee?
DANTE
Good.
(kisses him)
I’ll see you when you close, then.
Enjoy the lasagna.
She exits. DANTE leans against the counter with his lasagna. RANDAL pops
his head in and makes the loud slurping noise again.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - DAY
A GIRL
tries to take the hat off JAY’S head. SILENT BOB eats a bagel. Another
GIRL looks on.
66.
GIRL 1
Come on! Let me wear it.
JAY
Fuck you.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
19 -
Drug Dealing with Jay and Silent Bob
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
6
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
8
GIRL 1
Fuck you! Let me wear your hat.
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
This bitch is crazy.
(to GIRL)
You think I’m letting you touch
this, you got another thing coming.
Girl 2
Let the baby have his hat.
JAY
You’re the baby, and I’d sure like
to powder your ass. Nynne!
Girl 2
You wish.
GIRL 1
Come on Jay!
JAY
You want I should come on your back
or on your face? Neh.
GIRL 1
You’re fucking disgusting.
A LOST MAN approaches them.
Lost man
Excuse me, I was wondering if you
could help me?
JAY
(to GIRL 1)
Cut it out, this is business.
GIRL 1
(with moron face)
Oh yeah?!
JAY raises his hand as if to strike her. She cowers.
JAY
Neh!
(to LOST MAN)
What do you need?
Lost Man
I’m trying to find First Avenue in
Atlantic Highlands.
JAY
You want directions? Don’t you want
any weed?
67.
Lost Man
Um...no.
JAY
Tell you what: you buy a dime bag
offa me, and I’ll give you
directions.
Lost Man
Are you kidding?
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
Silent Bob, do I kid about sales?
SILENT BOB shakes his head ‘no’.
JAY
See? And Silent Bob never told a lie
in his life.
Lost Man
I haven’t smoked pot in years.
JAY
Isn’t it time you went home again?
Celebrate the moments of your life.
Lost Man
(intrigued)
How much?
JAY
Fifteen.
Lost Man
Fifteen for a dime bag?!
JAY
This shit is strong, man. Two hits
and you’ll be fucked up. Two hits,
guaranteed, or your money back.
Lost Man
(relenting)
Alright.
(digs for cash)
JAY
(accepts cash, hands over weed)
Here you go.
(breaks into cop stance)
Alright freeze! D.E.A. agents,
undercover.
(to SILENT BOB)
Cuff him, Agent Bob!
(to LOST MAN)
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law!
SILENT BOB moves menacingly toward the LOST MAN, reaching into his back
pocket, ostensibly for cuffs.
68.
Lost Man
(panicked)
Wait! Wait! What is this?!
JAY
(stopping)
Just kidding - NOI-NOI-NOI-NOIN!
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
20 -
Hockey Game
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
6
Plot:
5
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
RANDAL
is recommending titles to potential customers.
RANDAL
Alright, now if you’re really
feeling dangerous tonight, then
‘Smokey and the Bandit 3’ is the
movie you must rent.
CUSTOMER
(studying box)
This doesn’t even have Burt Reynolds
in it.
RANDAL
Hey, neither did ‘E.T.’; but that
was a great movie, right?
DANTE
opens the door and leans in.
DANTE
Can you come next door? I gotta make
a phone call.
RANDAL
(to DANTE)
‘Smokey 3’ : thumbs up, am I right?
DANTE
The best Burt-less movie ever made.
DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tell-you look.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE CAT
lays on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as he rings up an order.
The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.
CUSTOMER
Awww, he’s so cute. What’s his name?
RANDAL
Lenin’s Tomb.
Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.
69.
DANTE
Hello, is Mister Rhabari there? This
is Dante...Did he say if he was on
his way here?...Here...The
Convenience store...I know, but the
other guy called out this morning
and Mister Rhabari asked me to cover
until he got here. He said he’s be
here by two, but it’s two o’clock
now, so I...Excuse me...Vermont?!!?
...When the hell was someone going
to tell me!?!?....He promised he was
coming by two!! ...I’ve got a hockey
game this afternoon!!!...Jesus...
When does he get back?!...TUESDAY!?!!
...You’ve gotta be fucking kidding
me?!!...I’m not even supposed to be
here today!!!...
(deep sigh)
So I’m stuck here till closing?...
This is just great...I just can’t
believe...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean
to yell at you...No...No, I’ll be
alright...Thanks...
He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.
RANDAL
Vermont?
DANTE
Can you believe that sonofabitch?
RANDAL
He didn’t mention it when he called
you this morning?
DANTE
Not a fucking word. Slippery shit.
RANDAL
So you’re stuck here all day?
DANTE
FUCK!
RANDAL
Why’d you apologize?
DANTE
What?
RANDAL
I heard you apologize. Why? You have
every right in the world to be mad.
DANTE
I know.
70.
RANDAL
That seems to be the leitmotiv in
your life; ever backing down.
DANTE
I don’t back down.
RANDAL
Yes you do. You always back down.
You assume blame that isn’t yours,
you come in when called as opposed
to enjoying your day off...you
buckle like a belt.
DANTE
You know what pisses me off the
most?
RANDAL
The fact that I’m right about your
buckling.
DANTE
I’m going to miss the game.
RANDAL
Because you buckled.
DANTE
Would you shut the hell up with that
shit? It’s not helping.
RANDAL
Don’t yell at me.
DANTE
Sorry.
RANDAL
See? There you go again.
DANTE
I can’t believe I’m going to miss
the game!
RANDAL
Join the club, man. I was going to
be stuck here while that no-talent
Headly played my position. Now at
least we’re stuck here together.
DANTE
Small consolation.
RANDAL
Misery loves company.
DANTE
You’ve got a customer.
71.
RANDAL walks away. DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the
phone again.
DANTE
Hello...I can’t play today...I’m
stuck at work...I’m not scheduled,
but - just forget it. I can’t play
...Who else? Headly can’t play
either? Neither can Randal...Because
he’s working too, otherwise he’d be
in net...
RANDAL comes back.
DANTE
(getting an idea)
Wait a second. Do we have to play at
the park?...Hold On...
(to RANDAL)
Do you feel limber?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
TAPE
is rolled around the top of a stick.
LACES
are pulled tightly.
AN ORANGE BALL
is slapped back and forth by a blade.
THE HOCKEY PLAYERS
fill the convenience store. Some sit on the floor, lean against the
coolers, but all are either preparing or practicing.
RANDAL
enters, still wearing his equipment. DANTE skates to his side.
DANTE
(lifting his foot)
Pull my laces tighter.
RANDAL
(drops mitt and pulls laces)
I’ve gotta tell you, my friend: this
is one of the ballsiest moves I’ve
ever been privy to. I never would
have thought you capable of suck
blatant disregard for store policy.
DANTE
I told the guy I had a game today.
It’s his own fault.
RANDAL
No argument here. Insubordination
rules.
72.
DANTE
Well I appreciate that, but I don’t
deserve accolades. I’m not making
any statements with this thing, I
just want to play hockey like I was
scheduled to.
SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.
DANTE
Don’t skid! I gotta mop this.
Sanford
Dante, let me grab a Gatorade.
DANTE
If you grab a Gatorade, then
everyone’s going to grab one.
Sanford
So?
DANTE
So? So nobody’s going to want to pay
for these Gatorades.
Sanford
What do you care?
DANTE
I’ve got a responsibility here. I
can’t let everybody grab free
drinks.
Sanford
What responsibility? You’re closing
the fucking store to play hockey in
the parking lot.
RANDAL
He’s blunt, but he’s got a point.
DANTE
At least let me maintain a semblance
of managerial control here.
Sanford
All I’m saying is if you’re going to
be insubordinate, you should go the
full nine and not pussy out when it
comes to free refreshments.
RANDAL
What’s it going to hurt, man? As if
we’re suddenly gonna have a run on
Gatorade.
Sanford
Fuckin A.
73.
DANTE
Alright. Jesus you fuckers are
pushy.
Sanford
We ain’t pushy Dante; you just
uptight.
(skating away; to all)
Dante said we can all drink free
Gatorade.
A laid-back hurrah is heard.
DANTE
(to Randal)
What is that? Do you think I’m
uptight?
RANDAL
I’m not a therapist. Are you gonna
lock the store?
DANTE
I haven’t decided yet. Did you lock
the video store?
RANDAL
Look who you’re asking. How’re you
gonna run the store and play the
game.
CUT TO:
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
21 -
Convenience Store Hockey Game
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
22 -
Hockey in the Parking Lot
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
8
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE SIGN ON THE DOOR READS
TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPENED AFTER
THE FIRST PERIOD.
THE PLAYERS
skate around the street in front of the store. Four cars block off a
makeshift court and prevent traffic from coming through. Bags of potato
chips line the sides, preventing the balls from leaving the ‘arena’.
DANTE
skates and passes with another player.
REDDING
stretches against the building.
LITTLE KIDS
sit by the side and watch.
RANDAL
pulls his mask on and slaps his gloves, urging a shot.
STANDISH
skates in and takes a shot which RANDAL blocks.
74.
JAY AND SILENT BOB
deal to a player.
DANTE
holds a ball in the center of the court.
DANTE
Ready?
PLAYERS
take position.
A LITTLE KID
comes to the center and holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and
REDDING face-off, and the ball is in play.
THE GAME BEGINS
as the little kid darts off the court and players engage in a ballet of
violence and beauty. Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are
made, shots are taken, C.U.’s of various players included.
INACTIVE PLAYERS
call out encouragement and slander from the sidelines.
JAY AND SILENT BOB
watch, amused.
JAY
(screaming)
You fuck! You’re a bum! Skate into
the crease! My man’ll fuck you up!
You can’t control the ball! You’re
ugly! I fucked your mother! Neh.
THE LITTLE KIDS
view the game, their heads turning from one end of the court to the
other.
MORE GAME PLAYING
including both goalies getting scored on and more face-offs.
A CUSTOMER
braves past the action and tugs on the convenience store door. He reads
the sign and turns, awed and annoyed at the brazen sign.
THE GAME CONTINUES
despite the new on-looker.
THE CUSTOMER
shifts from one foot to the other impatiently. Finally he calls out.
CUSTOMER
When’s this period over?
SOMEONE O.C.
Eight more minutes!
CUSTOMER
Are you shitting me? I want to get
cigarettes!
75.
DANTE skids to the sidelines.
DANTE
(out of breath)
If you can just wait a few more
minutes.
CUSTOMER
Fuck that! This is a business!
SOMEONE O.C.
Dante! Where are you?!
CUSTOMER
He’s busy!
DANTE starts to skate away.
DANTE
I’ll be right back. It’s almost
over.
He jumps back into the game.
CUSTOMER
What the fuck is this?! I want some
service!
O.C. Dante
In a second!
CUSTOMER
Fuck in a second! This is...Look at
you! You can’t even pass!
DANTE
I can pass!
CUSTOMER
How ‘bout covering point!? You’d
better stick to jockeying a register,
cause you suck at hockey.
DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.
DANTE
Who are you to make assessments?
CUSTOMER
I’ll assess all I want!
SOMEONE O.C.
DANTE! ARE YOU IN OR OUT!
CUSTOMER
(to O.C. SOMEONE)
Don’t pass to this guy! He sucks!
(to DANTE)
You suck!
76.
DANTE
Like you’re better!
CUSTOMER
I can whip your ass.
A WOMAN pulls at the door behind them. She peers into the store, face
against the glass.
DANTE
That’s easy to say from over here.
CUSTOMER
Give me a stick, pretty boy! I’ll
knock your fucking teeth out and
pass all over your ass.
WOMAN
Is the convenience store open?
DANTE and Customer
(simultaneous)
NO!
The WOMAN strides off angrily.
DANTE
(to Customer)
There’s a stick over there. You’re
shooting against that goal.
(to the court)
REDDING! COME OFF AND LET THIS FUCK
ON!
THE GAME CONTINUES
with the added player running about the court on feet.
THE LITTLE KIDS
eat chips from the bags that act as the ‘boards’.
SOMEONE O.C.
Hey! The fucking kids are eating the
boards!
A NEW FACE-OFF
pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER.
THE BALL
drops between the two and DANTE smashes the CUSTOMER in the jaw with his
elbow. He winds up and takes a hard shot.
THE BALL
sails past the court, through the air and into a faraway yard.
DANTE
calls to the sidelines.
DANTE
Give me another ball.
77.
SOMEONE O.C.
There are no more.
DANTE
What the fuck are you talking about?
How many balls did you bring?
SANFORD skates up to him.
Sanford
(counting)
There was the orange ball... The
orange ball.
DANTE
One ball! You only brought one
ball?!
Sanford
I thought Redding had like three
balls!
O.C. Redding
I thought Dante had the balls.
DANTE
Nobody has another ball?!
Sanford
Shit!
DANTE
We get...what...twelve minutes of
game, and it’s over? Fuck! This is
so typical!
(pause; rubs head)
I’m not even supposed to be here
today!
DANTE skate off.
Sanford
We still get free Gatorade, right?
Genres:
["Comedy","Sports"]
Scene
23 -
Old Man and the Convenience Store
Overall:
6.0
Concept:
6
Plot:
5
Characters:
6
Dialogue:
7
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. And OLD MAN joins
him at the foot of the ladder.
Old Man
Be careful.
DANTE
I’m trying.
Old Man
You know the insides of those filled
with stuff that gives you cancer.
DANTE
So I’m told.
78.
Old Man
I had a friend that used to chew
glass for a living. In the circus.
The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.
DANTE
And he got cancer by chewing
fluorescent bulb glass...?
Old Man
No, he got his by a bus.
DANTE
(confused)
Oh... Can I help you?
Old Man
Well that depends, Do you have a
bathroom?
DANTE
Um...yeah, but it’s for employees
only.
Old Man
I understand, but can I use it. I’m
not that young anymore, so I’m kind
of...you know...incon...incontinent.
DANTE
Uh...sure. Go ahead. It’s back
through the cooler.
Old Man
Thanks son. Say - what kind of
toilet paper you got back there?
DANTE
The white kind.
Old Man
I’m not asking about the color. I
mean is it rough or cottony?
DANTE
Actually, it is kind of rough.
Old Man
Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell
out of my hem-roids. Say, would you
mind if I took a roll of the soft
stuff back there. I see you sell the
soft stuff.
DANTE
Yeah, but....
Old Man
Aw, c’mon boy. What’s the difference?
You said yourself the stuff that’s
there now is rough.
79.
DANTE
Yeah, okay. Go ahead.
Old Man
Thanks son. You’re a life-saver.
The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The OLD MAN
returns.
Old Man
Say, young fella; you know I hate to
bother you again, but can I take a
paper or something back there...to
read? It usually takes me awhile,
and I like to read while it’s going
on...
DANTE
Jesus...go ahead.
Old Man
Thanks young man. You’ve got a heart
of gold.
The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines. He comes back
to the counter.
DANTE
You know, you probably could’ve been
home already, in the time it’s taken
you to get in there.
Old Man
Can I trouble you for on of those
magazines?
DANTE
I said go ahead.
Old Man
No, I mean the ones there. Behind
the counter.
DANTE glances over and reacts.
DANTE
The porno mags?
Old Man
Yeah. I like the cartoons. They make
me laugh. They draw the biggest
titties.
DANTE
(hands on to him)
Here. Now leave me alone.
Old Man
Uh, can I have the other one. The
one below this one. They show more
in that one.
DANTE makes the switch.
80.
Old Man
Thanks son. I appreciate this.
The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close, then the
front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.
RANDAL
Helluva game!
DANTE
One ball! They come all the way
here...I close the damn store...for
one ball!
RANDAL
Hockey’s hockey. At least we got to
play.
DANTE
Randal, twelve minutes in not
playing! Jesus, it’s barely a warm-
up!
RANDAL
But they were a strong twelve
minutes. You played great.
DANTE
I could’ve played better if I’d had
more time.
RANDAL
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want
something to drink?
(walking away)
DANTE
Gatorade.
Pause. Then...
OC Randal
What happened to all the Gatorade?
DANTE
Exactly. They drank it all.
OC Randal
After an exhausting game like that
I can believe it.
DANTE
(as RANDAL)
"It’s not like we’re gonna sell out."
RANDAL comes back with drinks.
RANDAL
You know what Sanford told me?
(offering drink)
DANTE
He enjoyed the free Gatorade.
81.
RANDAL
Julie Dwyer died.
DANTE
Yeah right.
RANDAL
No, I’m serious.
DANTE is visibly taken aback.
DANTE
Oh my god.
RANDAL
Sanford’s brother dates her cousin.
He found out this morning.
DANTE
How? When?
RANDAL
Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.
DANTE
Jesus.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
24 -
Dead Exes and Dicks
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
She was swimming at the Y.M.C.A.
pool when it happened. Died mid-
backstroke.
DANTE
I haven’t seen her in almost two
years.
RANDAL
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t
she one of the illustrious twelve?
DANTE
Number six.
RANDAL
You’ve had sex with a dead person.
DANTE
You know what I always remember
about her?
RANDAL
Listen to you; already with the
eulogies.
DANTE
She held my hand. Whenever we went
somewhere; didn’t matter where. She
would always take my hand and hold
it. And when she held your hand, you
felt held... you know?
82.
RANDAL
Have any of the other women you
slept with died? Because maybe your
cursed, like the cast of
‘Poltergeist".
DANTE
I’m gonna go to the wake.
RANDAL
No you’re not.
DANTE
Why not?
RANDAL
It’s today.
DANTE
What!?
RANDAL
Paulsens Funeral Parlor. The next
show is at four.
DANTE
Shit. What about tomorrow?
RANDAL
One night only. She’s buried in the
morning.
DANTE
You’ve gotta watch the store. I have to go to this.
RANDAL
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Has it
occurred to you that I might be
bereaved as well?
DANTE
You hardly knew her!
RANDAL
True, but do you know how many
people are going to be there? All of
our old classmates, to say the
least.
DANTE
Stop it. This is beneath even you.
RANDAL
I’m not missing what’s probably
going to be the social event of the
season.
DANTE
You hate people.
RANDAL
But I love gatherings. Isn’t it
ironic?
83.
DANTE
Don’t be an asshole. Somebody has to
stay with the store.
RANDAL
And it has to be me?
DANTE
Barring the fact that you have no
reason to attend this wake other
than you hate being left out, you
have no means of transportation to
get you there. I was intimate with
the girl once, and I have a car.
RANDAL
I’m proud of you.
DANTE
You’re being a dick.
RANDAL
If you go, I’m going.
DANTE
Come on Randal. Just work the
register for an hour. I’ll be back
even sooner than that.
RANDAL
I’m going with you.
DANTE
She meant nothing to you!
RANDAL
She meant nothing to you either
until I told you she died.
DANTE
I’m not taking you to this funeral.
RANDAL
If you go, I go.
DANTE
I can’t close the store.
A CUSTOMER comes to the counter.
CUSTOMER
Do you have anymore Gatorade back
there? I need a case.
RANDAL
(continuing)
You just closed the store to play
hockey in the parking lot.
DANTE
Exactly, which means I can’t close
it for another hour so we can both
go to a wake.
RANDAL
So we’re not going?
DANTE
No. Forget it. If you won’t stay to
work so I can go to the wake, then
neither of us is going.
CUT TO:
INT CAR - DAY
DANTE DRIVES WITH PASSENGER RANDAL
their backs to the camera.
RANDAL
You were saying?
DANTE
Thanks for putting me in a tough
spot. You’re a good friend.
RANDAL
Do you know where this place is?
DANTE
It’s by the firehouse. Up the block.
In Atlantic.
Silence. Then...
RANDAL
She was pretty young, hunhh?
DANTE
Twenty five; same as us.
RANDAL
An embolism in a pool.
DANTE
Must be an embarrassing way to die.
RANDAL
That’s nothing compared to how my
cousin Jared died.
85.
DANTE
How’d he die?
RANDAL
Broke his neck.
DANTE
That’s embarrassing?
RANDAL
He broke his neck trying to suck his
own dick.
Absolute silence. Then...
DANTE
Shut the hell up.
RANDAL
Bible truth.
DANTE
Stop it.
RANDAL
I swear.
DANTE
Oh my god.
RANDAL
Come on. Haven’t you ever tried to
suck your own dick?
DANTE
No!
RANDAL
Yeah sure. You’re so repressed.
DANTE
Because I never sucked my own dick?
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
25 -
Hockey, Death, and Secrets
Overall:
9.0
Concept:
9
Plot:
9
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
No, because you won’t admit to it.
As if a guy’s a fucking pervert
because he tries to go down on
himself. You’re as curious as the
rest of us, pal. You’ve tried it.
DANTE
Who found him?
RANDAL
My cousin? My aunt found him. On his
bed, doubled over himself with his
legs on top. Dick in his mouth. My
aunt freaked out. It was a mess.
DANTE
His dick was in his mouth?
86.
RANDAL
To the hilt. Balls resting against
his lips.
DANTE
He made it, hunhh?
RANDAL
Yeah, but at what a price.
Silence. Then...
DANTE
I could never reach.
RANDAL
Reach what?
DANTE
You know.
RANDAL
What, your dick? You tried to suck
your own dick?
DANTE
Yeah. Like you said, you know. I
guess everyone tries it, sooner or
later.
RANDAL
I never tried it.
DANTE glares at RANDAL. Silence. Then...
RANDAL
Fucking pervert.
CUT TO:
EXT FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY
DANTE AND RANDAL
step out of the car.
RANDAL
You’re worrying, aren’t you?
DANTE
I know it was a bad idea to close
the store.
RANDAL
Listen to you. Would you quit with
the worrying already?
DANTE
I can’t help it. At least when we
were playing hockey outside, I could
see if anyone wanted to go in.
Now...
87.
RANDAL
Dante, be real. Nobody’s there. It’s
four o’clock on a Saturday. How many
people ever come to the store at
four on a Saturday?
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A MASSIVE CROWD
is outside the store.
CUT TO:
INT FUNERAL PARLOR HALLWAY - DAY
DANTE AND RANDAL
close the door and greet a teary-eyed BONNIE. She hugs DANTE and then
RANDAL.
Bonnie
(in a loud whisper)
DANTE!
DANTE
Bonnie. How’re you doing?
Bonnie
I haven’t seen you in...Jeez, I
don’t know how long!
DANTE
We just found out this afternoon. We
were working.
Bonnie
It was a shock. I couldn’t believe
it.
RANDAL saunters away.
DANTE
I know. Neither could I.
Bonnie
(indicating RANDAL)
Why’d you bring him?
DANTE
You still got that grudge against
Randal?
Bonnie
Wouldn’t you? Not only did he stand
me up for the prom, but he sent
Frank Bimly in his place. My senior
prom, and I’m standing next to Frank
Bimly.
DANTE
Wasn’t he wearing a polyester blazer?
88.
Bonnie
And a polo shirt. I don’t even want
to think about it.
(changing subject)
This is so weird, isn’t it?
DANTE
I know. I haven’t seen her in almost
two years, and then I find out she’s
dead. I was floored.
Bonnie
She was talking about you last week.
DANTE
Really?
Bonnie
I swear. She said you must feel like
an asshole now that Caitlin’s going
to marry some other guy.
DANTE
How’d she know Caitlin was getting
married?
Bonnie
Caitlin told her.
DANTE
Caitlin told her?
Bonnie
Caitlin told everyone, you mean she
didn’t tell you?
DANTE
No. And who is this guy she’s
engaged to?
Bonnie
Sang? Oh, he’s a nice guy. He’s a
design major.
DANTE
You met him?
Bonnie
He’s really cute.
RANDAL joins them.
RANDAL
(confused)
Don’t they usually have food at
these things? Where’s the finger
sandwiches?
BONNIE stalks away, angrily.
RANDAL
What? What did I say?
89.
CUT TO:
INT FUNERAL PARLOR VIEWING ROOM - DAY
DANTE AND RANDAL
are on a long greeting line, heading toward the grieving parents and the
casket.
DANTE
When we get up there, you greet her
parents. I’m going right to the
coffin.
RANDAL
You’re supposed to express regret to
the family first.
DANTE
Yeah, well, I don’t think her
parents need to see me right now.
RANDAL
What are you talking about?
DANTE
They caught Julie and I together
once.
RANDAL
Get out of here.
DANTE
Really.
RANDAL
Fucking?
DANTE
Worse.
RANDAL
Worse than fucking?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
26 -
Viewing the Body
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
DANTE
Something no parent wants to see
their child engaged in.
RANDAL
(thinks)
Butt-fucking?
DANTE
Look where your mind is. Its much be
frightening to have your libido.
RANDAL
Terrifying. So what happened?
DANTE
We were watching t.v. in her living
room, and things started going on...
90.
RANDAL
With her parents right there?!
DANTE
No, they weren’t home.
RANDAL
Oh.
DANTE
So we’re going at it, and it’s a
living room couch type of situation,
so the pants don’t come off, per
se...
RANDAL
Jeans and panties off one leg; one
shoe on.
DANTE
Always with that one shoe on.
RANDAL
False sense of security.
DANTE
So I start sliding down, work the
nipples, kiss the stomach, then to
the goods.
RANDAL
You lady-killer.
DANTE
So I’m eating her out, and she’s got
the legs wrapped around my head, so
I can’t really hear much, and she’s
grinding into my face...
RANDAL
You’re making me hard.
DANTE
And then out of nowhere...
RANDAL
Oh shit.
DANTE
....In walk her parents, carrying a
couple of videos they had just
rented across the street.
RANDAL
Jesus!
DANTE
So there’s Julie, pants and undies
half-off, my face between her legs,
and her parents staring at us.
RANDAL
What happened?
91.
DANTE
Julie says "Mom, Dad; this is Mrs.
Hicks’ son, Dante."
RANDAL
They knew your mother?!
DANTE
From church.
RANDAL
No way!
DANTE
Swear to God.
RANDAL
That’s classy. That’s too cool.
DANTE
Her parents dropped out of the
parish, and Julie got grounded for
two months.
RANDAL
And you haven’t seen her parents
since?
DANTE
No, and I prefer to keep it that
way, so you greet the parents, and
I’ll go straight to the coffin.
RANDAL
Alright.
By this time DANTE and RANDAL have progressed toward the front of the
line. RANDAL reaches the grieving MOTHER and FATHER of the deceased.
DANTE faces the other direction.
RANDAL
Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer, I’m really
sorry. I went to high school with
Julie. She was special.
MOTHER
(crying)
Thank you. What’s your name?
RANDAL
I’m Randal Graves.
(spinning DANTE around)
And this is Mrs. Hicks son, Dante.
The dawn of realization falls over the parents as they are reminded of
DANTE’S identity. They stare, angrily.
CUT TO:
INT FUNERAL PARLOR VIEWING ROOM -DAY
AN EXPOSED BELLY
lays perfectly still, with hands crossed over the chest above.
92.
DANTE AND RANDAL
stare, befuddled. They speak in whispers.
RANDAL
Interesting look.
DANTE
I can’t believe they would want her
laid out like this.
RANDAL
I always thought Julie would have an
‘outsy’.
DANTE
A tube top and a dress jacket? What
were they thinking?
RANDAL
I believe they’re referred to as
belly blouses these day.
DANTE
I don’t understand. Do you think
this is some sort of request she
made while she was still alive?
RANDAL
Maybe after a fifth of scotch.
DANTE
If anyone ever asks, I want to be
laid out in a suit.
RANDAL
(staring)
I don’t like this part. Can’t we
just mingle?
DANTE
She was really pretty. I wish I’d
spent more time with her.
RANDAL
I’m very uncomfortable. What are we
supposed to be doing up here?
DANTE
Praying. For repose of the soul.
RANDAL
I think I saw her chest move.
DANTE
It’s weird: I was intimate with this
girl.
RANDAL
There’s lint in her belly button.
DANTE
Leave it alone.
93.
RANDAL
That’s a helluva way to go to your
grave: lint sticking in your belly
button. Why do you think no one’s
pulled it out yet?
DANTE
Because it’s not that noticeable.
RANDAL
Bullshit, it’s like a fern.
DANTE
Could you be quiet for just two
minutes so I can get a little prayer
going here?
Silence. Then...
RANDAL
I’m bored.
DANTE
Jesus. Go wait in the hallway. I’ll
be there in a minute.
RANDAL
I’ll start the car. Give me the
keys.
DANTE
(digging in pocket)
You’re king of the pains in the ass.
Here.
DANTE tosses the keys to his right. RANDAL misses them.
THE KEYS
slide down the dead girl’s dress.
DANTE AND RANDAL
stare, shocked.
RANDAL
(astonished)
What are the chances...?
DANTE
Holy shit.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
27 -
The Keys
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
7
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
I bet you couldn’t do that again if
you tried.
DANTE
You couldn’t catch the keys?!
RANDAL
You couldn’t hand me the keys?
(studying OC crotch)
They’re down there, man. I don’t
even see them.
94.
DANTE
What the fuck am I supposed to do
now?! Those are the car keys and the
store keys!
RANDAL
Get the undertaker.
DANTE
And cause a scene?! Screw that. You
get them.
RANDAL
Oh certainly. Fuck you, I’m not
reaching into that terminal vagina!
DANTE
Jesus. Stand behind me, then. I’ll
get them.
RANDAL
Why am I standing behind you?
DANTE
To block the view of the crowd.
RANDAL
Should I rub your shoulders, to make
it look like your upset.
DANTE
Yeah, that’s good.
RANDAL stands behind DANTE and rubs his shoulders. DANTE reaches down
the dead girl’s dress.
A LINE OF MOURNERS
stare, befuddled, at the OC pair.
JULIE’S MOTHER AND FATHER
stare, horrified.
POV PARENTS - DANTE AND RANDAL’S BACK
as RANDAL massages DANTE, whose hand digs into the casket, rocking back
and forth toward the southern region, looking awfully perverted.
Randal
Feel anything?
Dante
Almost there.
JULIE’S FATHER muscles in, flanked by JULIE’S MOTHER.
Father
Alright, what the hell...
(sees and reacts)
Jesus Christ!
95.
JULIE’S MOTHER screams. DANTE tries to free his hand, from the prison-
like crotch. Both parents are screaming. The casket falls.
CUT TO:
EXT FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY
DANTE AND RANDAL
run from the front door, closely chased by a small crowd of angry
mourners.
CAR LOCKS
are slammed down.
THE CAR
screams away. The pursuing crowd stand in the middle of the street and
shake their fists, throwing things.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
THE CAR PULLS UP
and RANDAL and DANTE get out. Absolutely nobody is outside.
RANDAL
See? What did I tell you? It’s dead.
DANTE
(fumbling with keys)
Just get inside. I don’t know if we
were followed.
RANDAL
Did you see the look on her father’s
face?! That was too funny!
DANTE
(opening door)
Just....go. Go open the video store.
RANDAL
What did it feel like? Did you touch
her clam?
JAY AND SILENT BOB join them.
JAY
You guys are in trouble, man! This
place was packed with people after
you left.
RANDAL
Get the fuck outta here, junkie.
JAY
I’m serious. Right, Silent Bob?
There were so many people outside
the store.
96.
DANTE
(to RANDAL)
Go open the video store.
(to JAY)
How many times I gotta tell you not
to deal outside the store?
JAY
I’m not dealing.
A KID tugs at JAY’S shirt.
Kid
You got any weed?
JAY
How much you want?
RANDAL heads to the video store. DANTE enters the convenience store and
slides the sign to ‘open’. After a few seconds, the IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
(guy who lost his keys) appears, flashlight in hand, scanning ground.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
(to JAY)
Hey, did you see a set of keys
laying around here anywhere?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE
rearranges the milk. RANDAL joins him.
RANDAL
Let me borrow your car.
DANTE
What for?
RANDAL
I want to pick up Samantha.
DANTE
Why?
RANDAL
Because she wants to come down.
Dante stands and shakes his head.
DANTE
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
RANDAL
What’s the big deal? Let me borrow
your car.
Dante heads back to the counter. Randal follows.
DANTE
Must we go through this routine
again?
97.
RANDAL
What are you talking about?
DANTE
She comes here, and all you two do
is fight.
RANDAL
We do not.
DANTE
You’re right. You don’t fight. You
verbally massacre each other. And I
gotta hear it. It’s annoying.
RANDAL
Come on; give me your keys. When we
come back, I’ll tell her to show you
her tits.
DANTE
I don’t want to see your girlfriends
tits.
RANDAL
She’s not my girlfriend.
DANTE
(scoffs)
That’s another thing that gets me
about you and her. You fuck like
rabbits, but you refuse to call her
your girlfriend. And she won’t call
you her boyfriend. Yet neither of
you has sex with anyone else.
RANDAL
Titles screw things up.
DANTE
What’re you talking about?
RANDAL
It’s true. you slap a title on any
relationship, the there’s pressure
to live up to that title. ‘This is
my girlfriend’, ‘That’s my
boyfriend’ - all the sudden you
gotta behave a certain way. Title
dictates behavior.
DANTE
That’s bullshit. People dictate
their own behavior.
RANDAL
I disagree.
Genres:
["comedy","drama"]
Scene
28 -
Argument and Banter
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
5
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
DANTE
How can you? You’re the perfect
example.
RANDAL
How do you figure?
98.
DANTE
You haven’t been with anyone but her
in almost a year.
RANDAL
Right. And I guarantee that if I’d
been calling her my girlfriend all
this time, I’d have screwed about
five other chicks as well.
DANTE
Let me hear this logic.
RANDAL
It’s the taboo continuum. Anything
that’s forbidden is always more
appetizing.
DANTE
Taboo continuum. You’re proof that
not everyone should have access to
dictionaries.
RANDAL
When society dictates a certain type
of decorum, it eliminates choices
that an individual would probably
never consider anyway. But by
eliminating said choices, our
curiosity is piqued; we want to try
anything that’s not the American
preoccupations with anal sex, drug
abuse, infidelity...even necrophilia
as you yourself displayed in the
funeral parlor.
DANTE
Shut the hell up.
RANDAL
As it stands, I am quite happy to be
monogamous. I have zero desire to
fuck anyone else. But if we were
labeled with that boyfriend/
girlfriend title that you’re so big
on, I can guarantee you that I’d be
out there slamming anything that
moved. And why? Because the title
insists that I remain fidelious.
DANTE
You’re twisted.
RANDAL
You disagree?
DANTE
Yeah, I do.
99.
RANDAL
Example: When we were back in high
school, you screwed Maria Bodets
while you were dating Caitlin. Why?
DANTE
What do you mean, why? Maria was
hot; everyone wanted to go with her.
Even you.
RANDAL
So you went with her because
everyone wanted to go with her?
DANTE
No. I went with her because I was
attracted to her.
RANDAL
Fair enough. Now, upon the crumbling
of your relationship with Caitlin, I
seem to remember Maria Bodest
offering solace in the way of much
nooky. Am I correct?
DANTE
Yes.
RANDAL
And you never went with her then.
DANTE
I was no longer attracted to her.
RANDAL
And why was that?
DANTE
I don’t know.
RANDAL
Yes you do.
DANTE
It just wasn’t there anymore.
RANDAL
Because there were no restrictions
this time around with Maria Bodets.
You could have painted yourself blue
and sixty-nined her in the middle of
town, and short of getting arrested,
you wouldn’t be in violation of any
societal code.
DANTE
Oral sex in the middle of town,
painted or otherwise, violates
societal codes, my friend.
100.
RANDAL
Ah yes, but not the boyfriend/
girlfriend codes that you had so
enjoyed breaking while dating
Caitlin. And that was the true draw
of going with Maria Bodets: because
it wasn’t allowed at the time.
DANTE
(beat)
You’re too analytical.
RANDAL
Now may I borrow your car, so that I
can pick up the woman to whom no
societal restrictions bind me?
Dante stares at Randal for a beat. Then he tosses him the keys.
DANTE
What about marriage?
RANDAL
(exiting)
You’re not my type.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
waits on a customer (TRAINER). He lifts the gallon of milk into a paper
bag, letting out a slight grunt.
Trainer
Somebody needs to hit the gym.
DANTE
Excuse me?
Trainer
I heard you strain when you put the
milk in the bag. That milk only
weighs about seven pounds.
DANTE
I didn’t strain. I sighed.
Trainer
I don’t think so. That was a grunt;
a deep inhalation of oxygen to aid
in the stretching of muscles. I’m a
trainer. I know what that kind of
sound signifies: you’re out of
shape.
DANTE
I don’t think so.
101.
Trainer
Oh, I do. You made the same noise
when you reached across the counter
for my cash. Your muscles are thin
and sadly underutilized.
DANTE
They are not.
Trainer
Yes they are. You’re out of shape.
DANTE
What are you talking about? There’s
no fat on this body.
Trainer
No fat, but no tone either. You
don’t get enough exercise.
A female (HEATHER) pays for a newspaper.
DANTE
(to HEATHER)
Thirty five.
Trainer
(to HEATHER)
Let me ask you a question: look at
this guy and tell me if you think
he’s out of shape.
Heather
(studies DANTE)
I don’t know. I can’t really tell
from here.
Trainer
He is.
DANTE
I am not.
Trainer
How much can you bench?
DANTE
I don’t know.
Heather
(studying DANTE)
I’d say about sixty, seventy - tops.
DANTE
I know I can bench more than that!
Trainer
I think the lady called it.
102.
Heather
My ex-boyfriend was about his height,
but he was much bulkier. He could
bench two fifty, three hundred easy.
Trainer
I do about three fifty, four.
Heather
No way!
Trainer
(rolling up sleeve)
Feel that.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
29 -
High School Secrets Revealed
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
Heather
(feels his muscle)
That’s tight. Solid.
Trainer
Now feel his.
(to DANTE)
Roll up your sleeve, chief.
DANTE
Oh for God’s sake!
Trainer
See? You’re ashamed. you know you’re
out of shape. Take my card. I can
help you tone that body up in no
time. Get you on an aerobics and
free-weights program.
A SUITED MAN carrying a notebook comes to the counter.
DANTE
I’m not out of shape.
Suited Man
Excuse me, but have you been here
all day?
Heather
(still studying DANTE)
He’s got those love handles.
DANTE
(to HEATHER)
I don’t have love handles.
Suited Man
Were you working here at about four
o’clock?
DANTE
I’ve been here since ten o’clock
this morning. Why?
103.
Trainer
(to HEATHER)
It’s probably from being around all
this food every day.
Heather
Oh I know. If I had to work here all
day, I’d probably be bloated and out
of shape too.
DANTE
I’m not out of shape!
Suited Man
Can I have your name please?
DANTE
DANTE Hicks. Why? What is this about.
The SUITED MAN scribbles in his notebook.
Heather
You’re Dante Hicks?! Oh my God! I
didn’t even recognize you!
Trainer
Because he’s out of shape.
DANTE
Do I know you?
Heather
Do you remember Alyssa Jones? She
hung out with...
DANTE
....Caitlin Bree. Yeah?
Heather
I’m her sister.
DANTE
You’re Alyssa’s sister?! Heather?
Heather
Yes. I remember you used to come
over and make out with Caitlin in my
parents bedroom.
Trainer
Did you say Caitlin Bree?
DANTE
Yeah.
Trainer
Pretty girl, about this girl’s
height - dark hair - gorgeous body?
DANTE
Yeah?
Trainer
And your name is Dante? You went to
Henry Hudson Regional? You play
hockey?
104.
DANTE
How do you know that?
Trainer
Oh man! Hey, you still going out
with her?
DANTE
She’s getting married.
Trainer
To you?
Heather
To an Asian design major.
Trainer
Shit, this is bizarre!
(to Dante)
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I
used to fuck her.
DANTE
What?!
Trainer
While you two were dating in high
school. We’re talking four, five
years ago, back when I drove a
Trans-Am.
Heather
Oh my God! You’re Rick Derris?!
Trainer
Yeah!
DANTE
You know him?!
Heather
Caitlin used to talk about him all
the time.
Trainer
Really?
Heather
Oh yeah. You were the built older
guy with the black Trans and the
big...
DANTE
Wait a second!
(to TRAINER)
You used to sleep with Caitlin Bree?
While I was dating her?
105.
Trainer
All the time. You’d be playing
hockey or hanging out with your
little friends, and I’d go over to
her house. That girl was like a
rabbit.
DANTE
I...I don’t believe this...
Heather
(to TRAINER)
I still remember Caitlin telling us
about that time you two went to that
hotel - the one with the mirrors and
the hot-tub in the room.
DANTE
THE GALLERY!?!
Trainer
Holy shit! She told you about that!
(to DANTE)
Buddy of mine worked there. Said he
watched the whole thing. They used
to film people at that hotel; nobody
knew about it.
DANTE
Jesus!
Trainer
What else did she say about me?
Heather
(to DANTE)
Do you mind?
DANTE
No. No, I’d love to hear this.
Heather
(to TRAINER)
She said you were incredibly good.
Forceful, powerful. She said you
used to bring her to the beach at
night and do it on the rocks.
DANTE
What?! When?! When did all this shit
happen?!
Trainer
Hey, man, that was a long time ago.
Don’t let it get to you.
Heather
I can’t believe you never found out
about it, Dante. Everybody in school
knew, even in my class.
DANTE
Jesus Christ, what next!?!
106.
The SUITED MAN rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and hands it to
DANTE.
Suited Man
Here you go.
DANTE
What’s this?
Suited Man
A fine, for five hundred dollars.
DANTE
WHAT?!?
Trainer
Five hundred buck?! What for?
Suited Man
For violation of New Jersey Statute
Section two A, number one seventy
slash fifty one: Any person who
sells or makes available tobacco or
tobacco related products to persons
under the age of eighteen is
regarded as disorderly.
DANTE
What are you talking about?!
Suited Man
According to the NJAC - the New
Jersey Administrative Code, section
eighteen , five, slash twelve point
five - a fine of no-less than two
hundred and fifty dollars is to be
leveled against any person reported
selling cigarettes to a minor.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
30 -
The Fine and the Reunion
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
6
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
8
DANTE
I didn’t do that!
Suited Man
You said you were here all day?
DANTE
Yeah, but I didn’t sell cigarettes
to any kids!
Suited Man
An angry mother called the state
division of taxation and complained
that the man working at Quick Stop
convenience sold her five year old
daughter cigarettes today at around
four o’clock. Division of taxation
calls the State Board of Health, and
they send me down to issue a fine.
You say you were working all day,
hence the fine is your’s. It’s
doubled due to the incredibly young
age of the child.
107.
DANTE
But I didn’t sell cigarettes to any
kids!
Trainer
To a five year old kid?! What a
scumbag!
Heather
That’s sick, Dante.
DANTE
I didn’t sell cigarettes to any
kids! I swear!
Suited Man
The due date is on the bottom. This
summons cannot be contested in any
court of law. Failure to remit
before the due date will result in a
charge of criminal negligence, and a
warrant will be issued for your
arrest. Have a nice day.
The SUITED MAN exits, with DANTE trying to follow.
DANTE
But I didn’t sell cigarettes to any
kids! Hey!
Trainer
(takes back card)
Forget it. I don’t want to deal with
a guy that sells cigarettes to a
five year old.
(to HEATHER)
Can I offer you a ride somewhere?
Heather
Sure. How about the beach?
Trainer
I like the way you think.
The two exit. DANTE, alone, studies his summons. He rubs his forehead.
DANTE
What the fuck next?
OC Voice
DANTE?
DANTE spins, angrily.
DANTE
What?!
His expression softens.
DANTE
Caitlin?
CUT TO:
108.
EXT VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
JAY
deals with a customer as SILENT BOB Looks on.
JAY
That’s the price, my brother.
John
Yo, I don’t have that kind of cash.
JAY
For this kind of has, you need that
kind of cash.
John
How long you gonna be here?
JAY
Till ten. Then I’m going to John K’s
party.
John
You’re gonna be at John K’s party.
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
My man is deaf.
(yelling)
I’M GOING TO JOHN K’S PARTY!
(quieter)
Neh.
John
Yo, don’t sell all that. Cause I’m
gonna get the cash and buy it from
you at John K’s. You’re gonna bring
it, right?
JAY
The only place I don’t bring my
drugs is church. And that ain’t till
Sunday morning.
John
Yo. I’ll see you at the party.
(puts his hand
up to be slapped)
I’ll see you there?
JAY
(reluctantly
slapping hands)
I’ll see you there.
JOHN leaves. JAY turns to SILENT BOB.
JAY
It’s mother fuckers like that who
make this a dirty business.
(remembering)
Oh shit! I forgot! We gotta cut the
blow with flour.
CUT TO:
109.
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE AND CAITLIN
are embracing very tightly. We hold on them for a few, just to let it
sink in. Then...
DANTE
When did you get back?
Caitlin
Just now.
DANTE
My God. I haven’t seen you since...
Caitlin
Dante. You’ve got a customer.
DANTE hops behind the counter. A customer pays for something while DANTE
continues to talk.
Caitlin
I just saw Alyssa’s little sister
outside. She was with Rick Derris.
DANTE
Let’s not talk about that. How’d you
get home?
Caitlin
Train. It took eight hours.
DANTE
I can’t believe you’re here.
Another customer comes to the counter.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me, do you have...
DANTE
(to CUSTOMER)
To the back, above the oil.
(to CAITLIN)
How long are you staying?
Caitlin
Until Monday. The I have to take the
train back.
Yet another customer comes to the counter.
CUSTOMER
Pack of cigarettes
(to CAITLIN)
Congratulations. I saw that
announcement in today’s paper.
(to DANTE)
She’s marrying an Asian design major.
DANTE
So I’m told.
The customer leaves.
110.
Caitlin
You saw it?
DANTE
Very dramatic, I thought. Your
mother?
Caitlin
Who else. But it’s not what you
think.
DANTE
What, it’s worse? You’re pregnant
with an Asian design major’s child?
Caitlin
I’m not pregnant.
DANTE
Were you going to tell me or just
send me an invitation?
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
31 -
Caitlin Returns and Dante's Hope is Rekindled
Overall:
9.0
Concept:
9
Plot:
8
Characters:
10
Dialogue:
10
Caitlin
I was going to tell you. But then we
were getting along so well, I didn’t
want to mess it up.
DANTE
You could’ve broke it to me gently
you know; at least started by
telling me you had a boyfriend. I
told you I had a girlfriend.
Caitlin
I know, I’m sorry. But when we
started talking...it’s like I forgot
I had a boyfriend. And then he
proposed last month...
DANTE
And you said yes?
Caitlin
Well...kind of, sort of?
DANTE
Is that what they teach you at that
school of your’s: kind of, sort of?
Everyone knows about this except me!
Do you know how humiliating that is?
Caitlin
I would’ve told you, and you would
have stopped calling, like a baby.
DANTE
How do you know that?
Caitlin
Because I know you. You prefer
drastic measures to rational ones.
111.
DANTE
So you’re really getting married?
Caitlin
No.
DANTE
No, you’re not really getting
married?
Caitlin
The story goes like this: he
proposed, and I told him I had to
think about it, and he insisted I
wear the ring anyway. Then my mother
told the paper we were engaged.
DANTE
How like her.
Caitlin
Then my mother called me this
morning and told me the announcement
was in the paper. That’s when I
hopped the train to come back here,
because I knew you’d be a wreck.
DANTE
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Caitlin
Was I right?
DANTE
Wreck is a harsh term. Disturbed is
more like it. Mildly disturbed even.
Caitlin
I love a macho façade. It’s such a
turn-on.
DANTE
And you came here to what? To
comfort me?
Caitlin
The last thing I needed was for you
to think I was hiding something from
you.
DANTE
But you were.
Caitlin
No I wasn’t. Not really. I told you
I’d been seeing other people.
DANTE
Yeah, but no seriously. Christ,
you’re ready to walk down the aisle
- I’d say that constitutes something
more than just seeing somebody.
112.
Caitlin
I’m giving him his ring back.
DANTE
What?
Caitlin
I don’t want to marry him. I don’t
want to get married now. I’m on the
verge of graduation. I want to go to
grad school after this. And then I
want to start a career. I don’t want
to be a wife first, and then have to
worry about when I’m going to fit in
all of the other stuff. I’ve come
way too far and studied too hard to
let me education go to waste as a
housewife. And I know that’s what
I’d become. Sang’s already signed
with a major firm, and he’s going to
be pulling a huge salary, which
would give me no reason to work, and
he’s so traditional anyway...
DANTE
Sang? His name is a past tense?
Caitlin
Stop it. He’s a nice guy.
DANTE
If he’s so nice, why aren’t you
going to marry him?
Caitlin
I just told you.
DANTE
There’s more, isn’t there?
Caitlin
Why Mister Hicks - whatever do you
mean?
DANTE
Tell me I don’t have anything to do
with it.
Caitlin
You don’t have anything to do with
it.
DANTE
You lie.
Caitlin
Look how full of yourself you are.
DANTE
I just believe in giving credit
where credit is due. And I believe
that I’m the impetus behind your
refusal to wed.
113.
Caitlin
If I’m so nuts about you, then why
am I having sex with an Asian design
major.
DANTE
Ouch! Jesus, you’re caustic.
Caitlin
I had to bring you down from that
cloud you were floating on. When I
say I don’t want to get married, I
mean just that. I don’t want to
marry anybody. Not for years.
DANTE
So who’s asking? I don’t want to
marry you.
Caitlin
Good. Stay in that frame of mind.
DANTE
But can we date?
Caitlin
I’m sure Sang and - Veronica? -
would like that.
DANTE
We could introduce them. They might
hit it off.
Caitlin
You’re serious. You want to date
again?
DANTE
I would like to be your boyfriend,
yes.
Caitlin
It’s the shock of seeing me after
three years. Believe me, you’ll get
over it.
DANTE
Give me a bit more credit. I think
it’s time we got back together, you
know. I’m more mature, you’re more
mature, you’re finishing college,
I’m already in the job market...
Caitlin
This is a market, alright.
DANTE
Tell me you wouldn’t want to go out
again. After all the talking we’ve
been doing.
114.
Caitlin
The key word is talk, Dante. I think
the idea, the conception of us
dating is more idyllic than what
actually happens when we date.
DANTE
So....what? So we should just make
pretend over the phone that we’re
dating?
Caitlin
I don’t know. Maybe we should just
see what happens.
DANTE
Let me take you out tonight.
Caitlin
You mean, on a date?
DANTE
Yes. A real date. Dinner and a
movie.
Caitlin
The Dante Hicks Dinner and a Movie
Date. I think I’ve been on that one
before.
DANTE
You have a better suggestion?
Caitlin
How about the Caitlin Bree Walk on
the Boardwalk, Then Get Naked
Somewhere Kind of Private Date?
DANTE
I hear that’s a rather popular date.
Caitlin
(hits him)
Jerk. Here I am, throwing myself at
you, succumbing to your wily charms,
and you call me a slut, in so many
words.
DANTE
What about Sing?
Caitlin
Sang.
DANTE
Sang.
Caitlin
He’s not invited.
DANTE
He’s your fiancé.
115.
Caitlin
I offer you my body and you offer me
semantics? He’s my boyfriend, Dante,
and in case you haven’t gotten the
drift of why I came all the way here
from Ohio, I’m about to become
single again. And yes - allow me to
placate your ego - you are the
inspiration for this bold and
momentous decision, for which I’ll
probably be ostracized at both school
and home. You ask me to who I choose,
I choose you.
Genres:
["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]
Scene
32 -
Caitlin's Return
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
6
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
DANTE
So...what are you saying?
Caitlin
You’re such an asshole.
DANTE
I’m just kidding.
Caitlin
I can already tell this isn’t going
to work.
DANTE
I’ll ask Randal to close up for me -
when he gets back.
Caitlin
Where’d he go? I’d have thought he’d
be at your side, like an obedient
lap dog.
DANTE
He went to pick up his girlfriend,
but he hasn’t gotten back yet. Ah
screw it; I’ll just lock the store
up and leave him a note.
Caitlin
You’re too responsible. But no. I
have to go home first. They don’t
even know I left school. And I
should break the disengagement new
to my mother, which is going to
cause quite a row, considering she
loves Sang.
DANTE
Who doesn’t?
Caitlin
Well, me I guess.
(gathering herself to go)
So, I shall take my leave of you,
but I will return in a little while,
at which time - yes - I would love
to go for dinner and a movie with
you.
116.
DANTE
What happened to the walk and the
nakedness?
Caitlin
I’m easy, but I’m not that easy.
(she kisses his cheek)
See you later, handsome.
DANTE watcher her leave. He then explodes in jubilance.
DANTE
YES!!!
(he does a little dance)
A rough, burly man, chewing on a stubby cigar come in.
Burly
Hey, when the fuck is that video
store gonna open?!
DANTE grabs the man and dances with him. The man seems to jump right
into the rhythm of the surreal waltz. DANTE finishes by dipping the
BURLY man.
CUSTOMER
(dryly)
Oh, you dance divinely.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
JAY AND SILENT BOB
lean against the wall.
JAY
It’s slow.
SILENT BOB walks out of the frame, leaving JAY alone against the wall.
He comes back a few seconds later, carrying a mini-walkman with ten watt
speakers. He sets it down on the ground and turns it on. House music
starts playing. Jay - possessed by the beat - breaks into an impromptu
dance, in which he busts suggestive and often lewd moves. SILENT BOB
leans against the wall.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
sniffs a package of Fig Newtons. He inhales very deeply. An OLDER LADY
customer nods her head approvingly. She’s in her seventies, and she
holds a generic brand of fig newtons.
Older Lady
Am I right? They smell different.
DANTE
All I smell is cardboard.
117.
Older Lady
You’ve gotta inhale beyond the
cardboard. Go ahead.
DANTE
Basically you’re saying that the
generic fig bars are superior to the
brand name fig bars.
Older Lady
Isn’t it obvious. The smell alone
says it all.
DANTE
I really can’t smell either of them
through the packaging.
RANDAL enters and approaches them.
DANTE
(extending Newtons)
Smell these.
RANDAL
(inhales)
Smells like cardboard.
Older lady
You can’t smell anything because you
both watch too much t.v.
The OLDER LADY goes about her shopping.
RANDAL
There she goes. Off to buy her dog
food. That’s all old people can
afford, you know. I saw an episode
of ‘Good Times’ all about it.
DANTE
Where’s Samantha?
RANDAL
Oh we had sex at her house. That way
I didn’t have to bring her here.
DANTE
I got fined for selling cigarettes
to a minor.
RANDAL
No way!
DANTE
Five hundred dollars.
RANDAL
You’re bullshitting.
DANTE hands him the summons. RANDAL reads it.
RANDAL
Holy shit. I didn’t think they even
enforced this.
118.
DANTE
(pointing to himself)
Living proof.
RANDAL
I thought you never sold cigarettes
to kids.
DANTE
I don’t; you did.
RANDAL
(pause)
Really?
DANTE
Little girl. Maybe six years old?
RANDAL
(taken aback)
Holy shit. That girl?
DANTE
As opposed to the hundreds of other
children you let buy cigarettes
whenever you work here.
RANDAL
Then how come you got the fine?
DANTE
Because I’m here.
RANDAL
(incredulous)
You’re lying.
DANTE
I swear. I couldn’t make this kind
of hell up.
RANDAL
Then why aren’t you like screaming
at me right now?
DANTE
Because I’m happy.
RANDAL
You’re happy?
DANTE
I’m happy.
RANDAL
You’re happy to get a fine?
DANTE
No, I’m happy because Caitlin came
to see me.
RANDAL
Now I know you’re lying.
119.
DANTE
I swear to God. She just left.
RANDAL
What did she say?
DANTE
She’s not going to marry that guy.
She went home to tell her mother.
RANDAL
You’re kidding.
DANTE
I’m not.
RANDAL
(takes it in for a moment)
Wow. You’ve had quite an evening.
From the depths of hell, to the
heights of Heaven.
DANTE
She’s coming back, and we’re going
out.
RANDAL
I feel so ineffectual. Is there
anything I can do for you?
Genres:
["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
33 -
Grocery Run
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
6
Plot:
5
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
7
DANTE
Watch the register while I carry
Mrs. Krepp’s groceries to her house
for her.
RANDAL
You want me to do it so you can be
here is Caitlin comes?
DANTE
Mrs. Krepp doesn’t like you. You
stay here, and if Caitlin gets back
before I do, tell her that I’ll be
along shortly.
RANDAL
For a little bathroom action?
The OLDER LADY comes back to the counter and presents a few items for
pricing.
DANTE
I am not a bathroom action sort of
guy, thank you very much.
RANDAL
What’s wrong with sex in the
bathroom?
(to OLDER LADY)
Mrs. Krepp, did you ever have sex in
the bathroom with your husband while
he was still alive?
120.
Older Lady
God, no. I tried to screw my husband
as little as possible. He was an
awful lay.
DANTE
Whoa. I thought you and Mr. Krepp
had a great marriage.
Older lady
Oh, we did. But he was a lousy lay.
I was lucky if he lasted two, three
minutes. I used to top myself off
with a rolling pin when he fell
asleep.
RANDAL
A rolling pin?!
Older Lady
We’re talking about the days before
vibratin’ devices, boy. Gals these
days have it easier. They don’t even
need men anymore.
DANTE packs her groceries into a large bag.
DANTE
(to Randal)
Well, let’s hope that Caitlin
doesn’t feel that way.
RANDAL
I don’t think you have to worry
about that - Caitlin’s always needed
men.
DANTE stops packing and glares at RANDAL.
RANDAL
Oh...did I say that? I’m sorry.
DANTE
(to OLDER LADY)
And I call him my best friend.
RANDAL
(suddenly aware)
Hey, what about Veronica?
DANTE
No! Don’t bring it up. I don’t want
to think about that now, let me
enjoy this hour of bliss. I’ll think
about all of that later. In the
meantime, nobody mentions the ‘V’
word.
RANDAL
(to OLDER LADY)
Can you believe this guy? He’s got a
girlfriend and he’s hounding around
after a chick that’s engaged to an
Asian design major. He’s a beast, I
tell you!
121.
Older Lady
You leave Dante alone. He’s a good
boy.
(to DANTE)
When we get to my house, I’m gonna
give you a nice piece of dog food
meatloaf.
(to RANDAL)
That’s all we elderly can afford,
you know.
DANTE takes the bag and follows the OLDER LADY toward the door.
DANTE
(to RANDAL)
Tell Caitlin not to go anywhere.
I’ll be right back.
They exit. RANDAL waits on a customer. The customer pets the cat.
CUSTOMER
Cute cat. What’s his name?
RANDAL
Enema-bag.
CUT TO:
EXT STREET - NIGHT
DANTE
carries the grocery bag as the OLDER LADY hobbles along - cane in hand -
besides him.
Older Lady
So is it true what he said: you’re
skirt-chasing while you have a
girlfriend?
DANTE
Um....it’s hard to say.
Older Lady
I’ve met your girlfriend, haven’t I?
DANTE
Veronica? I think so. She’d be the
one telling me I’m stuck in a dead-
end job, and I should go back to
college.
Older Lady
She’s right.
DANTE
I know she’s right, but I hate being
reminded all the time.
122.
Older Lady
She’s staying on top of you. She
knows that you’re cut out for better
things than being a clerk your whole
life.
DANTE
It’s annoying.
Older Lady
It’s love. She loves you, boy. Now
who’s this other girl?
DANTE
Caitlin? Oh, we go way back.
Older Lady
You’re talking to a seventy eight
year old woman. Trust me, you don’t
know from way back.
DANTE
We dated in high school. She’s in
college now, but she’s graduating
soon. We’ve always... I don’t know.
She makes me feel a certain way that
no one else can even come close to
making me feel. Talking to her,
seeing here...it’s powerful, you
know?
Older Lady
I felt that way about someone once.
Nora Miller. She was a Ziegfield
girl, way back in the day. God, that
woman could do things...!
(sighs)
I was born into the wrong damned
era. Back then, things were about
being proper and socially
acceptable. Now everything’s more
liberal, and I’m too old to take
full advantage of it all. If things
back then were like they are now, I
would have never gotten married.
DANTE
Really?
Older Lady
Hell no. I would’ve stayed single
and slept around. But that wasn’t
what you did then. you were expected
to get married. And what did I get
from it all? One of my kids dies in
a war, the other lives twelve miles
away and only visits maybe twice a
year. The husband ups and croaks on
me, and all I got to look forward to
is a Social Security check every
month.
DANTE
You paint a bleak portrait, Mrs.
Krepp.
123.
They stop in front of the house.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
34 -
Rekindled Romance
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
Older Lady
You want the advice of an old woman,
Dante? Go after the heartbreaker. Go
after the one that makes you feel
alive inside, gives you a hard-on.
Because if you don’t, you’ll never
be able to sleep well at nights. I
can promise you that.
DANTE
But what about Veronica?
Older Lady
Is she a nice person?
DANTE
Well then she loses. Nice people
always get screwed over.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
CAITLIN
enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is reading at the counter.
Caitlin
Well! If it isn’t Randal Graves, the
scourge of the video renter.
RANDAL
Caitlin Bree. I hear you’ve seduced
my boy Dante. What would your Asian
design major fiancé say?
Caitlin
You saw that article? God, isn’t it
awful? My mother sent it in.
RANDAL
I take it she likes the guy.
Caitlin
You’d think she was marrying him.
RANDAL
What’d she say when you told her the
engagement was off?
Caitlin
She said not to come home until
graduation. I’m going to have to
stay at Dante’s tonight.
RANDAL
Wow, you got thrown out? For Dante?!
Caitlin
What can I say? He does weird things
to me.
124.
RANDAL
Can I watch?
Caitlin
You can hold me down.
RANDAL
Promises, promises. So what makes
you think you can maintain a
relationship with Dante this time
around?
Caitlin
It’s different this time. We’ve both
done a lot of growing in the past
four years.
RANDAL
And this is your reason for breaking
off an engagement?
Caitlin
That and I want to fuck his brains
out.
RANDAL
Ah! Elegantly put.
Caitlin
Can I use the bathroom?
RANDAL
It’s a hard one. There’s no lights
back there. Dante’s the only one who
can navigate the back room in the
dark.
Caitlin
Why aren’t there any lights?
RANDAL
Well, there are, but for some reason
they stop working at five fourteen
every night.
Caitlin
You’re kidding.
RANDAL
Nobody can figure it out. And the
boss doesn’t want to pay the
electrician to fix it, because the
electrician owes money in the video
store.
Caitlin
Such a sordid state of affairs.
RANDAL
And I’m caught up in the middle -
torn between my loyalty for the
boss, and my desire to piss with the
lights on.
125.
Caitlin
Well, I think I can manage. I’ve
picked up a few of Dante’s extra
sensory powers over the years.
She heads toward the back.
RANDAL
Hey Caitlin...
(cautionary)
Don’t break his heart again this
time, okay?
Caitlin
You’re very protective of him,
Randal. You always have been.
RANDAL
Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin
How primitive.
She heads into the cooler. A customer pokes his head in the door.
CUSTOMER
Is the video store open?
RANDAL
you didn’t hear? The Feds closed it
down this morning.
CUSTOMER
The Feds? Why?
RANDAL
They were renting child porn and
snuff videos.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIECE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE
walks past JAY on his way back to the store.
JAY
Who was that delicate creature you
were talking to before?
DANTE
Why?
JAY
She was hootie mack, boy. Too fine.
DANTE
Hootie mack? Her name is Caitlin
Bree.
JAY
(taken aback)
That’s Caitlin Bree?
126.
DANTE
Yeah.
JAY
That’s Caitlin Bree?
DANTE
Yeah. Why?
JAY
Oh shit!
DANTE
You know her?
JAY
I don’t know her, but I heard a
story about her once.
DANTE
What story?
JAY
Are you going out with her?
DANTE
Why?
JAY
‘Cause I don’t want you pissed at me
if I tell you this story.
DANTE
I won’t be pissed.
JAY
I don’t know, my brother. It has
dirty parts.
DANTE
Just tell me the story.
JAY
(looks around)
One of my contemporaries told me
this story.
DANTE
You mean another drug dealer?
JAY
you make it sound like a bad thing,
dude. Anyway, he said that this one
time, he was at a party in Atlantic,
and he was making money! Everybody
there had cash, and he sold
everything he was carrying; all
except the hits...
DANTE
Hits?
127.
JAY
Acid, my man. Crazy nonsense, make
you see all kinds of shit.
DANTE
I know what acid is.
Genres:
["Comedy","Romance"]
Scene
35 -
Sex, Drugs, and Convenience Stores
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
6
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
8
JAY
Anyway, this girl comes up to him,
and she’s so lit, and she’s like
‘Let me get some blow’, and he’s
like ‘Nah, I’m all out’. And so
she’s like ‘ Let me get some weed’.
And he’s like ‘Ain’t got no weed’.
So she’s like ‘What do you have?’
and he’s like ‘Acid’. So she’s like
‘Alright, let me get some acid’.
Only she looks in her purse, and
she’s broke. So she’s like ‘ Can I
pay you for it tomorrow?’, and he’s
like ‘Cash upfront’. So she’s like
jonesing, so she says ‘What if I
suck your dick for it?’ and he’s
like ‘Alright’.
(to passing person)
You want some blow? A dime bag?
DANTE
Finish the story.
JAY
Oh yeah. So she wants like twenty
hits for her and her friends if
she’s gonna suck his dick, so he
gives her like half at first. She
takes a hit, and they go into the
laundry room, and she starts sucking
his dick, and he said it was like
the best fucking blowjob he ever
had.
DANTE
I don’t think this was the same
girl.
JAY
Wait, I’m not even finished. So
she’s tripping and sucking his dick,
but all the sudden the trip must
have went bad, because she rips into
his dick with her teeth, but she’s
still jerking him off and sucking
his dick! And there’s like blood
flying everywhere, and he’s fucking
screaming, and his dick has this
huge slice going up it, and somebody
called the cops, and the ambulance
came. He said it was a mess.
DANTE
And he said the girl was Caitlin
Bree?
128.
JAY
Yeah. I always remember that name
when some bitty says she’ll suck my
Melvin for blow. I just think of my
boy’s dick all stitched up and shit,
and how he couldn’t do anything with
it for like a year. I don’t care if
the bitch is a fucking goddess....
(makes his finger go limp)
Melvin’s out of there.
DANTE
When did all this happen?
JAY
I think she was still in high school
because my friend said he used to do
work on her boyfriend’s car in auto
shop.
DANTE rolls his eyes. He slowly walks away, leaving JAY behind.
JAY
He just walks away. Rude son of a
bitch.
(suddenly spotting
something OC)
Hey baby! You ever have your asshole
licked?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE
rubs his forehead as RANDAL joins him near the coffee machine.
DANTE
Who used to work on my car in auto
shop?
RANDAL
That stoner, Rupert Haines. Remember
him? He got busted selling coke in
the main office.
(suddenly remembering)
Hey, Caitlin’s in the back. You
might want to see if she’s okay;
she’s been back there a long time.
DANTE
There’s no lights back there.
RANDAL
I told her that. She said she didn’t
need any. Why don’t you join her,
man. Make a little bathroom bam-bam.
DANTE
I love your sexy talk. It’s so....
kindergarten.
RANDAL
Poo-poo; wee-wee; pee-pee.
129.
The cooler door is heard opening.
CAITLIN
walks lazily down the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied.
DANTE AND RANDAL
regard her curiously. She joins them, latching onto DANTE’S arm,
lovingly.
Caitlin
How’d you get here so fast?
DANTE
Mrs. Krepp’s house is only around
the block.
Caitlin
(regards him curiously)
Do you always talk weird after you
violate women?
RANDAL
you violated Mrs. Krepp?
DANTE
Not that I know of.
Caitlin
(hugging DANTE)
Ooooh! Promise me it’ll always be
like that.
DANTE
Like what?
Caitlin
When you just lay perfectly still
and let me do everything.
DANTE
Um....okay.
RANDAL
Am I missing something here?
Caitlin
I went back there, and Dante was
already waiting for me.
RANDAL
He was?
Caitlin
It was so cool. He didn’t say a
word. He was just...ready, you know?
And we didn’t kiss or talk or
anything. He just sat there and let
me do all the work.
RANDAL
(to DANTE)
You dog! I didn’t see you go back
there.
130.
DANTE is bewildered.
Caitlin
And the fact that there wasn’t any
lights made it so...
(she lets out a
growl and hugs DANTE)
Oh Dante! That was the best sex
we’ve ever had.
DANTE
(quietly)
It wasn’t me.
Caitlin
(laughing it off)
Yeah, right. Who was it: Randal?
DANTE
(to RANDAL)
Was it you?
RANDAL
I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin
(half-laughing)
You two better quit it.
DANTE
I’m serious.
Caitlin
(beat)
We didn’t just have sex in the
bathroom?
DANTE
No.
Everyone is silent. Then...
Caitlin
Stop this. This isn’t funny.
Genres:
["comedy","romance","drama"]
Scene
36 -
The Strange Man in the Bathroom
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
6
Dialogue:
8
DANTE
I’m not kidding. I just got back
from outside.
Caitlin
(covering her chest)
This isn’t fucking funny, Dante!
DANTE
I’m not fooling around!
(to RANDAL)
Who went back there?
RANDAL
Nobody! I swear!
Caitlin
I feel nauseous.
131.
DANTE
Are you sure somebody was back
there?
Caitlin
(hits DANTE)
I didn’t just fuck myself!! Jesus,
I’m going to be sick!
RANDAL
You fucked a total stranger?
DANTE
Shut the fuck up, Randal!
Caitlin
I can’t believe this! I feel
faint....
DANTE
(to RANDAL)
Call the police.
RANDAL
Why?
Caitlin
No, don’t!
DANTE
There’s a strange man in our
bathroom, and he just raped Caitlin!
Caitlin
(weakly)
Oh God....
RANDAL
It wasn’t really rape; she said she
did all the work.
DANTE
WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!
(pause)
WHO THE FUCK IS IN THE BATHROOM!?!
CUT TO:
THE OLD MAN’S FACE
is serene, almost happy, as he lays on a stretcher. (same OLD MAN who
took a porn mag to the bathroom)
OC CORONER
Who is he?
The body bag zipper is pulled closed.
DANTE, THE CORONER, AND RANDAL
stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The CORONER takes notes.
132.
DANTE
I don’t know. He just came in and
asked to use the bathroom.
Coroner
What time was this?
DANTE
Um....I don’t know.
(to RANDAL)
What time did hockey end?
RANDAL
Around two or something
DANTE
What time did we go to the funeral?
RANDAL
I think three thirty, four.
Coroner
Wait a second? Who was working here
today?
DANTE
Just me.
Coroner
I thought you just said you played
hockey and went to a funeral.
DANTE
We did.
Coroner
Then who operated the store?
DANTE
Nobody. It was closed.
Coroner
With this guy locked in?
DANTE
I guess. Everything happened at
once. I guess I forgot he was back
there.
An Ambulance Attendants join them.
Attendant 1
Can we take this now.
Coroner
Go ahead.
The stretcher is wheeled out. Mid-way down the body bag, something
protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection. RANDAL stares at it.
DANTE
Was he alive when....Caitlin...you
know...
133.
Coroner
No. I place the time of death at
about three twenty.
RANDAL
The how could she...you know...
Coroner
The body can maintain an erection
after expiration. Sometimes for
hours. Did he have the adult
magazine when he came in.
DANTE
No. I gave it to him.
RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.
DANTE
Well he asked me for it!
RANDAL
How’d he die?
Coroner
I can’t say for certain until we get
him back to the lab, but my guess is
the excitement of...touching himself
...provoked a heart attack.
DANTE
Great! In our bathroom.
RANDAL
No way!
(to CORONER)
This has gotta be the weirdest thing
you’ve ever been called in on.
Coroner
(writing)
Actually, I once had to tag a kid
that broke his neck trying to put
his mouth on his penis.
RANDAL looks down, anonymously.
DANTE
What about Caitlin?
Coroner
Shock trauma. She’s going to need
years of therapy after this. My
question is: how did she come to
have sex with the dead man.
DANTE
She thought it was me.
The CORONER stares at DANTE.
Coroner
What kind of convenience store do
you run here?!?
134.
He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.
RANDAL
I feel like we’re in a twisted
episode of ‘Three’s Company’.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
A BLANK WALL
fills the frame. The SILENT BOB steps into it. He leans against the wall
and looks around casually.
OC Jay
(timidly)
Are the cops gone?
SILENT BOB looks around again, and then nods to OC. JAY leaps into the
frame, all piss and vinegar.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama","Dark Humor"]
Scene
37 -
Salsa Shark and Relationship Woes
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
9
JAY
It’s a good thing, too. I was
getting ready to waste that fuck.
(singing)
Fuck the police, coming straight
from the underground!
(not singing)
I was getting ready to walk right up
to him and say "Yo, I sell drugs; so
what, motherfucker?!"
(swings at the air)
Pow! In the mouth! Poom! In the gut!
A BYSTANDER joins them.
Bystander
What was with the ambulance and the
cops?
JAY
I fucked up a cop. Sonofabitch tried
to sucker me from behind, but I cam
across like...
(enacting a defensive move)
Boom! Boom! They didn’t even arrest
me because they knew I was right.
Fucking cops - they don’t know shit.
Hey, you wanna buy any weed or
something? I got the dope shit.
Bystander
I’m a cop.
JAY
(pause)
So?
Bystander
So I don’t appreciate those
comments.
135.
JAY
I said cock. I fucked up a cock.
Like a dickhead? Some guy who was
bad-mouthing the police. I had to
give him what for, on behalf of the
boys in blue.
Bystander
What’s your name?
JAY
(pause)
Al.
Bystander
Al what?
JAY
Al be seein’ you!
JAY takes off out of the frame, followed by the BYSTANDER. SILENT BOB
remains against the wall.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
A JAR OF SALSA SAUCE
is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the condiment, the corn ship
resembles a surfacing shark fin. Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life
- swimming menacingly to and fro across the jar.
DANTE AND RANDAL
are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes the chip around the jar of salsa;
DANTE stares up at the ceiling, oblivious.
RANDAL
Salsa Shark.
DANTE says nothing.
RANDAL
(as Brody)
"We’re gonna need a bigger boat."
DANTE still says nothing.
RANDAL
(as Hooper)
"It’s a Condiment Carcaius. It’s a
great white!"
DANTE says even less than nothing.
136.
RANDAL
(as Quint)
"Man goes into the cage; cage goes
into the salsa; shark’s in the
salsa; Our shark."
DANTE...you know.
RANDAL
(angry)
What?! What’s with you? For the love
of Christ, you haven’t said anything
for like twenty minutes. I’ve got a
mini-drama going on here.
DANTE
Why do I have this life?
RANDAL
It speaks.
DANTE
Why do I have this life?
RANDAL
As opposed to...?
DANTE
As opposed to a life where every
aspect isn’t clouded with pure shit.
RANDAL
Have some chips; you’ll feel better.
DANTE
I’m stuck in this pit, earning less-
than slave wages, working on my day
off, dealing with every backwards
fuck this hellish existence offers
up, and ex-girlfriend whose no
doubt insane by now after fucking a
dead guy in the bathroom, a
girlfriend who’s sucked thirty six
dicks...
RANDAL
Thirty seven.
DANTE
And then there’s you.
RANDAL
Me? What’d I do?
DANTE
Oh, Jesus, not much...just got me
slapped with a five hundred dollar
fine.
RANDAL
Who knew the kid was a nark?
137.
DANTE
Thanks to you, I’m most likely
wanted in connection with some light
necrophiliac petting charges Julie
Dwyer’s family is bound to level
against me.
RANDAL
Ironic. You never hear about anybody
being intimate with a dead body, and
then boom! Twice in one day.
DANTE
My life is in the shitter right
about now, so if you don’t mind, I’d
like to stew a bit.
OC Customer
Can I get a pack of Marlboro?
RANDAL hops off the freezer and steps OC.
OC Randal
That’s all bullshit. You know what
the real problem here is?
DANTE
I was born.
RANDAL comes back.
RANDAL
You don’t face up to shit. Like now:
what are you really cheesed about?
DANTE
Must I detail it again?
RANDAL
No, you listed a ton of crap, but
that’s all it was: crap. You refuse
to address the one topic that’s
been eating at you all day.
DANTE
Oh? And what’s that?
RANDAL
Caitlin vs. Veronica
DANTE
What are you talking about?
RANDAL
You carry a torch for a girl you
dated in high school. In high
school, for God’s sake! You’re
twenty two!
DANTE
I don’t carry a torch.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
38 -
Shit or Get Off the Pot
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
9
RANDAL
When was the last time you saw
Caitlin, Dante?
138.
DANTE
I talked to her last night.
RANDAL
When was the last time you saw her?
DANTE
I don’t know. Three years ago.
RANDAL
Three years ago. People change, man.
DANTE
What am I, stupid? You don’t think I
know that?
RANDAL
No, I don’t think you know that. I
think you’ve got it in your head
that just because you’ve talked a
couple of times - on the phone, no
less - you and Caitlin are on the
mend of something.
DANTE
Wait a second. What are you saying
here? Are you saying I should stay
with Veronica? Since when did you
become her champion?
RANDAL
I’m not saying anything for either
of them. I think they’re both
manipulative. What I am saying is
that you should shit or get off the
pot.
DANTE
I should shit or get off the pot.
RANDAL
Yeah, you should shit or get off the
pot. If you want Caitlin, then face
Veronica, tell her, and be with
Caitlin. If you want Veronica, be
with Veronica. But don’t pine for
one and fuck the other. Make your
choice and stick with it.
DANTE
Are you done analyzing me?
RANDAL
Yeah, but not like it’s going to
help. ‘Not improving your situation’
is your forte.
DANTE
Fuck you.
139.
RANDAL
It’s true. You’ll sit there and
blame life for dealing you a cruddy
hand, never once accepting the
responsibility for the way your
situation is.
DANTE
What responsibility?
RANDAL
Alright, if you hate this job and
the people, and the fact that you
have to come in on your day off,
then quit. Move on; get a different
job.
DANTE
As if it’s that easy.
RANDAL
It is. You just up and quit.
DANTE
There are a few different aspects to
be thought of here: bills, money...
RANDAL
There are other jobs, and they pay
better money. You’re bound to be
qualified for at least one of them.
So what’s stopping you?
DANTE
Leave me alone.
RANDAL
You’re comfortable. This is a life
of convenience, and to attempt a
change in your routine would shatter
the pathetic microcosm you’ve
fashioned for yourself.
DANTE
Oh, like you life is better.
RANDAL
I’m satisfied with my situation for
now. You don’t hear me bitching.
You, on the other had, have been
bitching all day.
DANTE
Thank you. Why don’t you go back to
the video store?
RANDAL
The same applies to your personal
life.
DANTE
Oh, now I have a personal life?
140.
RANDAL
If you can call it that. You’ll
continue to date Veronica because
it’s easy, it’s convenient.
Meanwhile, all you ever do is talk
about Caitlin. If you weren’t such
a fucking coward...
DANTE
...If I wasn’t suck a fucking
coward.
(chuckles)
It must be so great to be able to
simplify everything the way you do.
RANDAL
Am I right or what?
DANTE
You’re wrong. Caitlin and I can’t be
together. It’s impossible.
RANDAL
Melodrama coming from you seems
about as natural as a beaver
shitting chicken eggs.
DANTE
What do you want me to say?! Yes, I
suppose some of the things you’re
saying may be true. But what’s that
point in analyzing it. It’s the way
things are. That’s not going to
change.
RANDAL
Make them change.
DANTE
(cathartic)
I can’t, alright! Jesus, would you
leave me along?! I can’t make
changes like that in my life. If I
could, I would, but I don’t have the
ability to risk comfortable
situations on the big money and
fabulous prizes.
RANDAL
Who’re you kidding? You can so.
DANTE
I can’t. I’m tell you.
RANDAL
So you’ll continue being miserable
all the time, just because you don’t
have the guts to face change?
141.
DANTE
(sadly)
My mother told me once that when I
was three, my potty lid was closed,
and instead of lifting it, I chose
to shit my pants.
(resolute)
I’m not the kind of person that
disrupts things in order to shit
comfortably.
DANTE crosses OC. RANDAL appears contemplative.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
SILENT BOB
leans against the wall. JAY drags himself into the frame, sweating,
huffing and puffing. He lays a hand on SILENT BOB’S chest and leans
over, spitting on the ground.
JAY
(through labored breathing)
I lost him...Damn!...That mother
fucker was ...fast.
TWO KIDS join them, carrying skateboards.
Kid 1
Why were you running from that guy?
JAY
He caught me...fucking his wife.
Kid 2
That’s guy’s a Middletown cop.
JAY
Now somebody tells me.
Kid 1
You got any weed?
JAY
I got a couple of joints.
Kid 2
How much?
JAY
Five each.
Kid 1
Five bucks each?! That’s a rip-off!
JAY
you don’t like it...fuck you.
Kid 2
(looking OC)
Hey, there’s that guy - the cop.
142.
Kid 1
YO! OVER HERE!
JAY
(in a panic)
Alright, alright! Shut up! You can
have them...
(hands them joints)
Just get the fuck outa here and keep
your mouth shut.
The KIDS skate off, laughing. JAY looks OC for the cop, hiding behind
SILENT BOB.
JAY
Do you see him? Did he see me?
OC Kid 1
YO! JAY’S GIVING AWAY FREE WEED!!!
Genres:
["drama","comedy"]
Scene
39 -
Jay and Dante Discuss Relationships
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
5
Plot:
5
Characters:
7
Dialogue:
9
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
Meet me at the party in Atlantic!
JAY, again, runs OC, followed shortly after by the BYSTANDER. SILENT BOB
shakes his head and walks off in the opposite direction.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE
scrubs an empty coffee pot. JAY enters and drops to his knees, peeking
through the window. Slowly he rises, continuing to look outside.
Satisfied, he stands fully erect and claps his hands together,
triumphantly.
JAY
(singing)
The five o’clock whistle’s on the
blink
The work is all done and what you
think...
(to DANTE)
A pack of wraps, my good man. It’s
time to kick back and smoke some
weed, drink some beers.
DANTE
Done poisoning the youth of Leonardo
for the day?
JAY
Hell’s yes, whatever that means. And
I just outran a cop. It’s shaping up
to be a good night. Now I’m gonna
head over to Atlantic, hit a party,
get ripped, and -please God- get
laid.
(pulls out money)
E-Z Wider, one and a halfs.
DANTE
One seventy nice.
143.
JAY
Don’t you close soon?
DANTE
Half hour.
JAY
We get off about the same time every
night. We should hang out. You get
high, man?
DANTE
I should start.
JAY
Wanna come to this party tonight?
There’s gonna be booty!
DANTE
With you? I don’t think so.
JAY
Listen to you. Oh shit. "Oh, I don’t
hang with drug dealers."
DANTE
Nothing personal.
JAY
(pulls out weed)
I work, just like you. You’re more
of a crook than I am, dude.
DANTE
How do you figure. Hey, what are you
doing...?
JAY
(rolling a joint)
Relax, brother. What I mean is that
you sell the stuff in the store at
the highest price around. A dollar
seventy nine for wraps - what is
that?
DANTE
It’s not my store.
JAY
And these aren’t my drugs - I just
sell them.
DANTE
The difference is you exploit a
weakness.
JAY
What’s that mean?
DANTE
You sell to people that can’t stay
away from addiction.
144.
JAY
Alright. How much is Pepsi here?
DANTE
A dollar sixty nine, plus tax.
JAY
At Food City it’s ninety nine cents,
plus tax.
DANTE
So.
JAY
So why do you sell it for so much
more? I’ll tell you why - because
people come here and they’re like
‘A dollar eighty for soda? I should
get it at Food City. But I don’t
feel like driving there. I’ll just
buy it here so I don’t have to
drive up there." That’s exploiting a
weakness too, isn’t it?
DANTE
I can’t believe you just rolled a
joint in here.
JAY
Hey man, what happened with that
old guy?
DANTE
He died in the bathroom.
JAY
That’s fucked up. Yo, I heard he was
jerkin’ off.
DANTE
I don’t know. I wasn’t watching.
JAY
Probably saw that Caitlin chick. I
know I felt like beatin’ it when I
saw her.
(pantomimes sex)
Come here, bitch. Is this what you
want?! Hunhh?!
DANTE
Knock it off. That used to be my
girlfriend.
JAY
No way. You used to go out with
her?
DANTE
We were going to start again, I
think.
JAY
Wait a second. Don’t you have a
girlfriend already?
145.
DANTE
Veronica.
JAY
Is she that girl who’s down here all
the time? She came here today
carrying a plate of food.
DANTE
Lasagne.
JAY
And what - you were gonna dump her
to date that Caitlin girl?
DANTE
Maybe.
JAY
I don’t know, dude. That Caitlin
girl’s fine. But I always see that
Veronica girl doing shit for you.
She brings you food, she rubs your
back... Didn’t I see her change
your tire one day?
DANTE
I jacked the car up. All she did was
unscrew the bolts and put the tire
on.
JAY
Damn. She sure goes out of her way.
DANTE
She’s my girlfriend.
JAY
I’ve had girlfriends. Most of them
just try to get what they can from
me - weed and shit. Two times I had
girlfriends smack up my car. But
none of them ever brought me like,
a home cooked meal, or had me over
their house unless their parents
were in like Fiji or something.
(beat)
Shit, I wish I had a girlfriend like
your’s. My grandma used to say
‘Which is better: a good looking
plate or one with good stuff on it."
No, wait. I fucked up. She said
"What’s a good looking plate with
nothing in it?"
DANTE
Meaning?
146.
JAY
I don’t know what she meant. She was
senile and shit. Used to piss
herself all the time.
(beat)
There’s a billion fine-looking women
in the world, dude. But they don’t
all bring you lasagna at work. Most
of them just cheat on you.
DANTE
(amazed)
My God. You’ve got a point. I can’t
believe this.
JAY
What?
DANTE
It’s true. Everything you said is
true. Veronica is...incredible.
She’s....she’s just the greatest.
JAY
If you’re gonna stay with her, can I
go for the other one? Nynne!! Just
kidding.
DANTE
You’ve really helped me out here.
Thanks.
JAY
Should we like...hug...or something
now? Nynne! Eeeww! You fucking
faggot!
DANTE
Have fun at your party.
Genres:
["Comedy"]
Scene
40 -
Confrontation and Confession
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
7
Plot:
8
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
JAY
(walking out)
Knock her boots tonight, dude. Give
her the thick dick.
(a sudden thought)
You know what dude? It’s probably
better that you didn’t pick that
Caitlin chick. She’s been around.
It’s not like you want to date a
chick that’s sucked a lot of dick.
See ya later.
JAY leaves. DANTE freezes - then shakes it off.
DANTE
(reassuring himself)
So she sucked thirty seven dicks.
Big deal. The important thing is
she’s sucking my dick now.
(beat)
I love Veronica.
CUT TO:
147.
INT VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
RANDAL
has a heart-to-heart with Veronica.
RANDAL
He doesn’t love you anymore. He
loves Caitlin.
VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.
VERONICA
And he told you all this...?
RANDAL
Every last word. The thing you have
to understand about Dante, is that
he could never bring himself to say
these thing to you, because he
cares about you a lot. He just
didn’t want to hurt your feelings,
you know?
VERONICA
I...I don’t know what to say.
RANDAL
Don’t hold it against him. Some
people you fall in love with and
they can do the shittiest things in
the world to you, but you can’t get
that person our of your system.
That’s the way it is with Dante and
Caitlin.
Silence. Then...
RANDAL
Do you want to cry or something? Do
you want me to leave?
VERONICA
I’m not sad.
RANDAL
You’re not?
VERONICA
No, I’m more furious. I’m pissed
off. I feel like he’s been killing
time while he tries to grow the
balls to tell me how he really
feels, and then he can’t eve do it!
He has his friend do it for him!
RANDAL
He didn’t ask me to...
VERONICA
After all I’ve done for that fuck!
And he wants to be with that slut?!
Fine! He can have his slut!
148.
RANDAL
Um, do you think you can give me a
ride home tonight. Because I don’t
think he’s going to be too happy
with me.
VERONICA
(oblivious to RANDAL)
I’m going to have a word with that
asshole.
VERONICA storms out.
RANDAL
Wait! Veronica...I don’t think...
RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.
RANDAL
(to customer)
What am I worried about? He’ll
probably be glad I started the ball
rolling. All he ever did was
complain about her anyway. I’m just
looking out for his best interests.
I mean, that’s what a friend does,
am I right? I did him a favor.
CUSTOMER
(sees box on counter)
Oooh! ‘Navy SEALS’!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
DANTE IS ON THE GROUND
holding his knee. VERONICA stands above him.
DANTE
What the fuck did you do that for?!
VERONICA
If you didn’t want to go out with me
anymore, why didn’t you just say
it?! Instead, you pussy-foot around
and see that slut behind my back?!!
DANTE
What’re you talking about?!
VERONICA
(kicks him)
You’ve been talking to her on the
phone for weeks!
DANTE
It was only a few times...
VERONICA
And then you pull that shit this
morning, freaking out because I’ve
gone down on a couple guys!
149.
DANTE
A couple...?
VERONICA
(throws purse at him)
You judgmental fuck! At least it was
before we ever dated! I’m not the
one trying to patch things up with
my ex, sneaking around behind your
back! And if you think thirty seven
dicks are a lot, then just wait,
mister! I’m going to put the hookers
in Times Square to shame with all
the cocks I suck now! And each time
some guy cums in my mouth, it’ll
taste that much sweeter, knowing
that it hurts you!
DANTE
Would you let me explain...
VERONICA
Explain what? How you were waiting
until the time was right, and then
you were going to dump me for her?!
DANTE
(getting up)
Veronica...I ...it’s not like that
anymore... I mean, it was never
really like that...
VERONICA kicks him in the other leg. DANTE goes down, yelling in pain.
VERONICA
You’re damn right it’s not like that!
Because I won’t let it be like that!
You want you slut?! Fine! The slut
is yours!
DANTE
I don’t want Caitlin....
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Scene
41 -
Veronica Confronts Dante
Overall:
7.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
8
Dialogue:
7
VERONICA
You don’t know what you want, but
I’m not going to sit here anymore
holding your hand until you figure
it out! I’ve tried with you, Dante.
I’ve encourages you to get out of
this fucking dump and go back to
school, to take charge of your life
and find direction. I even
transferred so maybe you would be
more inclined to go back to college
if I was with you. Everyone said it
was a stupid move, but I didn’t care
because I loved you and wanted to
see you pull yourself out of this
senseless funk you’ve been in since
that whore dumped you, oh so many
years ago. And now you want to go
back to her so she can fuck you over
some more?!?!
150.
DANTE
I don’t want to go back with her...
VERONICA
Of course not; not now! You’re
caught, and now you’re trying to
snake out of doing what you wanted
to do. Well I won’t let you. I want
you to follow through on this, just
so you can find out what a fucking
idiot you are. And when she dumps
you again- and she will, Dante; I
promise you that - when she dumps
you again, I want to laugh at you,
right in your face, just so you
realize that that was what you gave
up our relationship for!
(grabs purse)
I’m just glad Randal had the balls
to tell me, since you couldn’t.
DANTE
(weakly)
Randal...?
VERONICA
And having him tell me... that was
just the weakest move ever. You’re
spineless.
DANTE
Veronica, I love you...
VERONICA
Fuck you.
VERONICA exits. DANTE lays on the floor alone.
CUT TO:
RANDAL
exits and locks the door behind him. He walks to the convenience store
and pulls the steel shutters closed, fastening the locks.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
TIGHT ON RANDAL’S FACE
as he steps inside. It is darker than before.
RANDAL
DANTE?
Hands clasp around his throat and yank him out of the frame.
DANTE THROTTLES RANDAL
choking him to the ground. RANDAL throws his fists into DANTE’S midriff,
throwing him back into the magazine rack. RANDAL jumps to his feet as
DANTE comes at him again.
151.
RANDAL TUMBLES INTO THE CAKES
as Entenmanns products scatter beneath and around him. He grabs a pound
cake and hits DANTE in the head with it, using the opportunity to scurry
down the middle aisle. DANTE leaps at his feet, and RANDAL grabs the
shelves, knocking aspirin over as he falls to the ground. They exchange
punches until RANDAL - shrieking - sprays something in DANTE’S face.
DANTE paws at his eyes.
RANDAL GRABS ITALIAN BREAD
and smacks it into DANTE’S face as he rushes him blindly. DANTE chases
him out of the frame. M&M’s scatter wildly across the empty floor, and
the ruckus is heard OC.
CUT TO:
DANTE AND RANDAL
later, out of breath, on the floor. RANDAL sits up against the candy
rack, rubbing his neck. DANTE lays on the floor, bacon held against a
sort of swelling eye. Both are pretty banged-up. They are surrounded by
a mess of crushed cookies, ripped-open candies, broken bread, and other
damaged goods.
RANDAL
How’s your eye?
DANTE
(reluctant)
The swelling’s not so bad. But the
FDS stings.
(pause)
How’s your neck?
RANDAL
It’s hard to swallow.
They are both silent. Then....
RANDAL
You didn’t have to choke me.
DANTE
Why the fuck did you tell Veronica
that I was going to dump her for
Caitlin?
RANDAL
I thought I was doing you a favor.
DANTE
Thanks.
RANDAL
You were saying how you couldn’t
initiate change yourself, so I
figured if I helped you out, it
might be easier for you to move on
to Caitlin.
DANTE
Jesus.
Silence. Then...
152.
RANDAL
Yeah, well, you still didn’t have to
choke me.
DANTE
Oh please! I’m surprised I didn’t
kill you.
RANDAL
Why do you say that?
DANTE
Why do I say that? Randal...Forget
it.
RANDAL
No, really. What did I do that was
so wrong?
DANTE
What don’t you do? Randal, sometimes
it seems like the only reason you
come to work is to make my life
miserable.
RANDAL
How do you figure?
DANTE
What time did you get to work today?
RANDAL
Like ten, or ten after.
DANTE
You were over half an hour late.
Then all you do is come over here.
RANDAL
To talk to you.
DANTE
Which means the video store is
ostensibly closed.
RANDAL
It’s not like I’m miles away; I’m
right here talking to you.
DANTE
Unless you’re leaving for two hours
at a time to go to your
girlfriend’s house.
RANDAL
She’s not my girlfriend. And you
said it was a bad idea that she come
here.
DANTE
So you have to stay at her house for
two hours?
153.
RANDAL
(cornered)
It’s not like I do that everyday.
Genres:
["comedy","drama"]
Scene
42 -
The Last Stand
Overall:
8.0
Concept:
8
Plot:
7
Characters:
9
Dialogue:
8
DANTE
You get me slapped with a fine, you
fight with the customers and I have
to patch everything up. To top it
all off, you ruin my relationship.
What’s your encore? Do you anally
rape my mother while shitting on
the American flag and pouring sugar
in my gas tank?
(get up)
You know what the real tragedy is?
I’m not even supposed to be here
today.
RANDAL
(suddenly outraged)
Fuck you. Fuck you, pal. Listen to
you trying to pass the buck again.
I’m the source of all your misery.
Who closed the store to play hockey?
Who closed the store to attend a
wake? Who tried to win back and ex-
girlfriend without even discussing
how he felt with his present one?
You wanna blame somebody, blame
yourself.
(pause)
"I shouldn’t even be here today."
You sound like an asshole. Whose
choice was it to be here today?
Nobody twisted your arm. You’re here
today of your own violation, my
friend. But you’d like to believe
that the weight of the world rests
on your shoulders; that this store
would crumble if you didn’t bail it
out of a bind. Well I got news for
you, jerk: this store would survive
without you. Without me either. All
you do is overcompensate for having
what’s basically a monkey’s job: you
push buttons. Any moron can do our
jobs, but you’re obsessed with
making it seem so much more fucking
important, so much more epic than it
really is. You work in a convenience
store, Dante. And badly, I might
add. And I work in a video store.
Badly, as well.
(beat)
You know, that guy Jay’s got it
right - he has no delusions about
what he does. He sells drugs. Us? We
like to make ourselves seem so much
better than the people that come in
here, just looking to pick up a
paper or - God forbid - cigarettes.
We look down on them, as if we’re
so advanced. Well I we’re so fucking
advanced, then what are we doing
working here?
154.
They sit in silence. Then...
DANTE
Free food?
Slowly, they begin to chuckle. The chuckle changes to giggles.
RANDAL
Free food!
DANTE
Free food!
They laugh.
CUT TO:
DANTE
places a mop in the corner. It is later, following a massive clean-up.
RANDAL pulls on his coat.
RANDAL
I threw out the stuff we broke. The
floor looks clean.
DANTE
You sure you don’t want a ride?
RANDAL
I asked Samantha’s mother to pick me
up before I came over here. I had a
feeling you’d be mad. Who knew?
DANTE
Choking mad.
RANDAL
Yeah. Choking mad.
DANTE
(pause)
I’m sorry, man. I shouldn’t have
blown up like that.
RANDAL
No man, it’s okay, you know. I mean,
hell - you weren’t even supposed to
be here today, right?
They smile.
DANTE
Do you work tomorrow?
RANDAL
Same time. What about you?
DANTE
I’m calling out. Going to hit the
hospital - see how Caitlin is. Then
try to see Veronica.
155.
RANDAL
You wanna grab something to eat
tomorrow night...after I get out of
here?
DANTE
yeah. That’d be cool. We can hit the
diner.
RANDAL
Alright. Hey - good luck with
Veronica. And if you need like an
alibi to back you up or something...
DANTE
I’m sure I will.
RANDAL
I’m there, you know. I mean, that’s
what friends are for, right? Like
the song says.
(kind of singing)
Keep smiling
Keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me
For sure...
DANTE
Get the fuck outta here already.
RANDAL
I’m gone. I’ll talk to you on the
morrow.
RANDAL exits. DANTE pushes the sign to closed.
DANTE
climbs behind the counter. He pops the register open and starts counting
the drawer out. The door is heard opening.
THE DOOR
closes.
POV JOHN : DANTE
counting out the register, not looking up.
A gunshot blasts out. DANTE flies back, his chest exploding with blood
and sinew. He stares ahead and slumps to the floor.
JOHN
walks behind the counter, stepping over DANTE’S body on the floor, and
takes the money our of the register. The credits begin to roll. He grabs
a paper bag and jams the money in it. He grabs hands-full of change,
shoves them in his packet, and then quickly exits the frame. DANTE
continues to lay on the floor, unmoving, while the credits roll.
156.
Credits end, and the door is heard opening. A customer comes to the
counter and stands there. He waits, looks around for a clerk, looks down
the aisles.
CUSTOMER
Hello? Little help?
No reply. He looks around again, and glances at the door to make sure
nobody’s coming in. They he reaches behind the counter and grabs a pack
of cigarettes. He leaves. Blackout.