Read KILLING ZOE with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Arrival in Paris
INT. TAXI CAB - MOVING - DAY

Rain falls on the rear window of a taxi parked in the taxi

zone of the Charles de Gualle Airport.

Aside from the incessant tapping of rain on the roof of the

cab we hear the sounds of the airport: the almost monotonic

loudspeaker declaring in French that loitering is not

permissible and that should any bags be left unattended that

they will be destroyed; the honking of the horns from other

automobiles; the unintelligible chatter of people as they get

their bearings. Inside the cab, playing on the radio, is

Angelique Kidjo's funky song "Batonga".

Then, the rear door to the cab opens and in an EXTREME CLOSE

UP we see ZED, a young man with wild, almost mesmerizing eyes

shielded by small round glasses, and with a head of nappy red

hair. His face has drops on it from the flurry outside.

He settles himself, then looks to the CAB DRIVER, an easy

going Senegalese/Frenchman, in the front seat.

ZED
Hotel Mondial.

CAB DRIVER
Le Mondial. Tres bien.

He starts driving.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Avec cette pluie ca risque de
prendre un moment. L'autoroute est
ferme. A cause du 14 Juillet.

He drives for a while.
2.


CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
[Do you mind the radio?]

Zed looks at the meter, francs are clicking away. He also

looks at the cab driver's license, his name is Moises Du

Bois.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
[Do you want me to turn the radio
off?]

ZED
(realizing he's being
asked a question)
I don't speak French.

The driver turns around.

CAB DRIVER
(in broken English)
Ah. American?

ZED
That's right.
CAB DRIVER
That's good because I speak a
little English.

Zed nods.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
I asked if you mind the radio.
Music. You know.

Zed shakes his head "no".

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
(with a smile)
Super cool.

Zed adjusts his watch.

ZED
What time is it?

CAB DRIVER
Time, time, time. I don't know.
Daytime.
Zed forgets the adjustment for now.
3.


CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Are you in town for business?

ZED
Yes.

CAB DRIVER
It's a nice hotel. Your hotel.
Very big rooms.

He looks at Zed in the rear view mirror.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Do you know Paris?

ZED
I've been here once before. When I
was younger.

The cab driver smiles.

CAB DRIVER
Those were the days.

They drive for a while.
CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Married?

ZED
I beg your pardon?

CAB DRIVER
Do you have a wife?

ZED
No.
(then after thinking about
it for a while)
Why?

CAB DRIVER
Well, if you need a wife for the
night...
(searching for the right
words in French)
Une escorte. Pour vous faire
visiter.
(then back to his broken
English)
For business. I give you my
number. Very nice girl. French.
Like when you were young.
4.


He lifts his hand and shows his index and middle finger

tightly extended together, then he crosses them.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Know what I mean?

Zed smiles at this and nods.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
Speaks the language of love. Take
you to heaven and back. You just
tell me and I set it up.

Zed shakes his head and laughs.

CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
What you laughing at? You let
Moises set it up. She treat you
right. She treat you fine.

Zed can do nothing but smile at the thought of it.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Zed, an American businessman, arrives in Paris and takes a taxi to his hotel. The friendly taxi driver, Moises Du Bois, attempts to converse with Zed. They discuss Zed's purpose for the trip and his relationship status.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Cultural exchange
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with well-developed characters and witty dialogue that keeps the audience interested. The cultural exchange and humorous interaction between the characters add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter between two strangers in a taxi cab, leading to a humorous conversation and an unexpected offer, is well-executed and adds intrigue to the story.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it sets up the relationship between the two characters and introduces a potential subplot with the cab driver's offer.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to cultural exchange and personal connections in a taxi cab setting, with authentic dialogue and character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic. Zed is curious and open-minded, while the cab driver is friendly and slightly eccentric.

Character Changes: 4

While there is no significant character development in this scene, it sets up potential changes and growth for the characters in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a new city and potentially confront his loneliness or desire for connection, as seen through his interactions with the cab driver.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to reach his hotel safely despite the rainy weather and traffic due to Bastille Day celebrations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is a low level of conflict in the scene, mostly stemming from the language barrier and the cab driver's offer, but it is more lighthearted than intense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the form of the cab driver's offer of 'une escorte' to Zed, creating a small obstacle or dilemma for the character.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and setting up potential subplots rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't move the main plot forward significantly, but it establishes the relationship between the characters and hints at potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat unpredictable due to the unexpected offer of 'une escorte' by the cab driver, adding a twist to the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the cab driver's offer of companionship or 'une escorte' to Zed, highlighting a clash between cultural norms and personal boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and amusement, but doesn't delve deeply into emotional depth. It sets a light-hearted tone for the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It keeps the scene dynamic and entertaining.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic between Zed and the cab driver, the cultural references, and the subtle humor in their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue through the dialogue and character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven sequence in a screenplay, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it mainly consists of small talk between Zed and the cab driver without any significant development or conflict.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially the cab driver's attempts to offer Zed an escort for the night. This comes across as cliched and stereotypical.
  • There is a lack of visual description and sensory details to immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and lacks tension or intrigue to keep the audience engaged.
  • The language barrier between Zed and the cab driver could be used to create more interesting and dynamic interactions, but it is not fully explored in the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and underlying tension to add depth to the characters and their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear objective or conflict to drive the scene forward and create a sense of purpose.
  • Focus on creating more authentic and nuanced dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Enhance the visual and sensory descriptions to bring the setting to life and engage the reader's imagination.
  • Introduce elements of suspense or mystery to build tension and keep the audience intrigued.
  • Explore the language barrier between Zed and the cab driver as a source of conflict or humor to add depth to their interaction.
  • Look for opportunities to add subtext and underlying tension to create a more dynamic and engaging scene.



Scene 2 -  Zed Checks into His Hotel Room
INT. HOTEL - HALL - DAY

A long, empty hallway of a moderately priced hotel. From

around a corner comes a BELLBOY carrying Zed's one bag.

Zed is right behind him.

They come up to room 6A and the bellboy unlocks the door.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

The door to the room opens and the bellboy, followed by Zed,

walks into the room.

He puts Zed's bag onto one of those luggage holders and

proceeds to show him the room.

Sitting on the bed is a large air freight package.

BELLBOY
(in broken English)
Your package...It arrived in the
last night of before last night.
5.


He points to the telephone.

BELLBOY (CONT'D)
Ah...telephone, for the room
service.

He motions toward the bathroom.

BELLBOY (CONT'D)
The toilet.

He opens the closet door.

BELLBOY (CONT'D)
To hang the clothes.

He points to a control console next to the bed.

BELLBOY (CONT'D)
From here you can operate the
television.

Then he pauses at the door before he goes out.

Zed reaches into his pocket and takes out some French money,
he starts fingering through it.

Then, the bellboy takes the liberty of showing Zed which

bills to give him.

BELLBOY (CONT'D)
(after getting what he
wanted)
Merci.

He starts to leave.

ZED
Oh, wait.

The bellboy turns around.

ZED (CONT'D)
What time is it?

BELLBOY
(confused)
What time is it?
ZED
(pointing at his watch)
Time.
6.


BELLBOY
Ah. Yes. Il est presque huit
heures moins dix.

The bellboy clicks his heels and walks out the door.

Zed looks around the room, still wondering what time it is,

and takes a seat on the bed.

Obviously tired from the flight Zed unbuttons his shirt a bit

and lays back on the bed next to the package. Before he

dozes off to sleep he takes his watch off and places it on

the bedside table.

He is asleep.

FADE TO BLACK:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Zed, the protagonist, arrives at his modest hotel room, Room 6A, and is greeted by a bellboy. The bellboy showcases the room's features, including a large air freight package. He highlights the phone, bathroom, closet, and television controls. After inquiring about the time and receiving a response of approximately 7:50, Zed tips the bellboy, who then departs. Zed then loosens his shirt, lies down on the bed beside the package, removes his watch, and sets it on the bedside table. As the scene concludes, Zed drifts into sleep.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of tiredness and disorientation
  • Cultural exchange element with broken English and French language
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or emotional depth
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets the tone for the main character's exhaustion and disorientation after a long flight, while also introducing a minor cultural exchange element. However, it lacks significant conflict or emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the main character's arrival at a hotel room and his interaction with the bellboy is well executed, providing insight into his state of mind.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene is minimal, mainly focusing on the main character settling into his hotel room. It lacks significant development or progression.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting a character's arrival at a hotel, focusing on the small interactions and details that add depth to the setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly the main character and the bellboy, are portrayed effectively in terms of their tiredness and confusion. However, they lack depth or significant development in this scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, mainly showcasing the main character's transition from tiredness to sleep.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to rest and relax after a long flight. This reflects his deeper need for comfort and peace, as well as his desire to unwind and recharge.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to figure out the time, as he asks the bellboy for it. This reflects the immediate challenge of adjusting to a new location and time zone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in this scene, mainly revolving around the main character's confusion about the time.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the bellboy providing a small obstacle for Zed to overcome in terms of communication and adjusting to the new environment.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, mainly revolving around the main character's confusion about the time and settling into his hotel room.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward slightly by showing the main character settling into his hotel room, but it lacks significant plot progression.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is predictable in terms of its outcome, as it follows a typical hotel arrival scenario. However, the small moments of interaction between Zed and the bellboy add a touch of unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Zed's need for rest and the bellboy's duty to provide service. This challenges Zed's values of independence and self-sufficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact due to the main character's tiredness and disorientation, but it lacks significant depth or intensity.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is simple and serves the purpose of conveying information about the hotel room amenities and the time. It lacks depth or emotional impact.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it focuses on the small details of the characters' interactions, drawing the audience into the mundane yet relatable setting of a hotel room.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation as Zed interacts with the bellboy and settles into the hotel room. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear descriptions and dialogue formatting. It follows the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a hotel arrival scene, with a clear progression from the hallway to the hotel room. The formatting is standard for the genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, making it feel mundane and uninteresting.
  • The dialogue between Zed and the bellboy is quite basic and doesn't add much depth to the characters or the story.
  • There is a lack of visual interest or unique elements in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and doesn't drive the story forward or create any tension.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a conflict or tension in the scene to make it more engaging, such as a misunderstanding with the bellboy or a mysterious element in the room.
  • Add more depth to the dialogue between Zed and the bellboy, giving insight into Zed's character or setting up future plot points.
  • Consider adding visual elements or unique details to the room to make the setting more interesting and immersive.
  • Improve the pacing of the scene by cutting unnecessary dialogue or actions and focusing on moving the story forward.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to maintain continuity and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 3 -  A Moment of Understanding
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER - DAY

Zed's bed, while still made, looks like it's been slept in.

Sitting on it is the ripped open air freight package. Inside

of it is a black steel briefcase.

The shower is on and from the look of things Zed is in it.

On the bedside table we see Zed's watch. It reads 12:10 P.M.

Next to it is the phone. Next to the phone is a piece of

folded paper with Moises' name and a phone number that reads:

45.63.53.37.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - SHOWER - DAY

Zed is in the shower letting the water run directly into his

face and cascade down his body.

He opens his mouth and freely drinks the water, then he spits

some out with a spurt.

Then he stops, attentive, listening for something.
7.


He turns the shower off.

Then he hears it again, the knocking on the door.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DAY

Zed grabs a towel and climbs out of the shower. He makes his

way toward the knocking.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

Zed walks to the door to his room with the towel wrapped

around his waist. He opens it.

In the hall is ZOEY, a cute French girl of not more than

twenty. She's chewing on gum the way a schoolgirl might, but

she looks like no girl Zed ever went to school with.

ZOEY
Bonjour.

ZED
(a little awkwardly)
Bonjour.

Zed opens up the door and lets her in. She checks out the

room and places her bag on the bed. Then she makes her way

to the window for a view of the city.

ZOEY
Wow. Vous avez une belle chambre.
Je ne suis jamais venue dans cet
hotel.

She turns to him, but in the process takes the time to

examine every detail of the room.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
Ca sera 150 francs de l'heure.
Toute la nuit pour 700. D'avance.
Et faudra porter un--
ZED
I...don't speak French.
8.


She blows a bubble.

ZOEY
It's okay.

She takes a seat on the bed.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
It will be one thousand francs for
all night. In advance.

Zed takes the money out of his wallet and gives it to her.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
We can do it now if you want.

ZED
Well, let me just dry up.

ZOEY
Okay, but it's not necessary.

He goes into the bathroom and starts drying himself.

She puts the money in her bag and then turns on the
television from the remote console. A French talk show comes

on. She changes the channel until she comes to a station

playing F.W. Murnau's silent classic, "Nosferatu". She

smiles and sits back to watch.

ZED(O.S.)
(from the bathroom)
What's your name?

ZOEY
Zoe or Zoey. Which ever you like.

ZED(O.S.)
My name's Zed.

ZOEY
(smiling at this)
That's funny. We both have Z
names.

Zed comes walking out of the bathroom drying his hair. His
pants are on.
9.


ZED
What was that?

She notices his pants.

ZOEY
You can take those off. The pants.

ZED
I'd rather watch you get undressed
first.

ZOEY
(matter-of-factly)
Alright.

She stands up and starts to lift her top off. He stops her.

ZED
Slower.

He lays down on the bed.

She stands there looking at him and then smiles.

ZOEY
Alright Mister America. Zed.

Then, with Zed laying on the bed and watching her, she

slowly, seductively strips in front of him, never taking her

eyes from his eyes, until she is totally naked.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
Slow enough for you?

Then, like a cat prowling for it's prey, she crawls over the

bed to him and begins to unbuckle his pants.

She removes the pants and climbs on top of him. They begin

to make love.

On the television, "Nosferatu" silently plays.

Zoey and Zed quicken their pace with an urgency one can't

resist during a moment of passion.
She cries out and lowers herself to his grasp. An IMAGE

overcomes her mind.
10.


They quicken to an almost violent speed and then expire, both

satisfied.

She begins to kiss him multiple times over the face.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
C'etait formidable.

She rolls over, still hugging him, purring like a kitten.

They rest there for a while...holding each other.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
I'm cold.

She takes the covers and crawls under them, so does Zed.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
Zed?

ZED
Yes?

ZOEY
Moises told me you were in town for
business.

ZED
Yes.

ZOEY
What kind of business?

ZED
Why?

ZOEY
I don't know. I'm just curious.

ZED
Do you ask all your clients
questions?

ZOEY
No. Just the ones I like.

ZED
So you like me?

ZOEY
Yes.
11.


ZED
Why?

ZOEY
Because you're...a good person. I
run into some real creeps. You
know.

ZED
How do you know I'm a good person?

ZOEY
Body language. We fit together.

ZED
All men and women fit together.
Hell, even some men fit together.

ZOEY
No, but you know, we clicked. You
made me orgasm. Do you know how
often I orgasm with a man Moises
sets me up with?

ZED
No I don't.

ZOEY
Usually never. They're almost
always fat like pigs.

Zed laughs at this.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
And you make me feel safe. That's
something more important than the
orgasm. An integral part maybe of
the orgasm.

ZED
I never really thought of it like
that.

ZOEY
Well, it's true.

Zed nods at this.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
Turn off the television.
Zed reaches over and turns it off from the console.
12.


ZOEY (CONT'D)
So I mean it when I tell you Zed, I
like you very much.

ZED
Well, I like you too Zoe.

ZOEY
Honest?

He nods.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
Why? For the same reason? Any man
can orgasm. Even with his own
hand.

Zed stares ahead as he thinks of an answer.

ZED
Well, I like your honesty. You're
open. Unlike most prostitutes I've
been with.

She doesn't like the sound of this. She slaps him.
ZOEY
I am not a prostitute!

Zed is a little surprised at this.

ZED
Really? Can I have my francs back
then?

ZOEY
I'm a student. And to pay for the
classes I became an escort. It's
my choice to sleep with you.

ZED
I see.

ZOEY
What? You don't understand.

ZED
No, I do.

ZOEY
Hey, it's not easy.
ZED
I didn't say it was.
13.


ZOEY
I'm here because I want to.

ZED
Okay, okay relax. What school do
you go to?

ZOEY
The Centre du Art, Paris.

ZED
That's really interesting. What
kind of art do you study?

ZOEY
Not any of the old shit.

ZED
Oh.

ZOEY
I have a day job too. Three times
a week.

She rolls onto her back and stares into an imaginary world as

she talks to Zed.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
But someday there will be only my
art.

ZED
What kind of things do you paint?

ZOEY
I don't paint. I make things.
Objects. Not like sculpture. Like
life...but with no narrative. I
want when someone looks at one of
my objects for there to be no
reference to the world. Void of
feeling, emotion...void of destiny.
Those are left for me. They belong
only to me. If someone else can
see into it...then it is no longer
mine. I have failed. And I would
destroy it. I don't care how much
cash they would offer me. It would
be shit. I can't tell you how many
objects of mine have been
destroyed. They told too much
about me.
(MORE)
14.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
And if someone wants to know
something about me...I'll tell them
myself. The way I'm telling you.

She looks back at him.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
What I do I do only for the
objects.

ZED
I'd like to see one of these.

ZOEY
What? So you could see the work of
a whore?

He decides to put a stop to this once and for all.

ZED
Zoey. I'm sorry for calling you a
prostitute. I didn't understand
the difference.

ZOEY
The difference is a prostitute
would have lied to you about her
orgasm.

He gives her a kiss.

ZED
If these things you make are as
true as you are...I'm sure they're
as indescribable. Perhaps,
someday, you'll make one...about
me.

ZOEY
If I do...you'll never know which
one it is. Because I'll be the
only one who understands. I'll be
the only one who can look into it
and see where in my life it came
from.

Zed is unable to speak. They look into each others eyes for

a long moment, hearing the sounds of the city drift in

through the window. Then she leans forward and gives him a
15.


soft understanding kiss.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Zed and Zoey interact in a hotel room, where Zoey reveals her profession as an escort and student. They have a deep conversation about art and personal truths, leading to a moment of understanding and connection. The conflict arises when Zed unintentionally offends Zoey by calling her a prostitute, but it is resolved when he apologizes and they have a heartfelt conversation. The emotional tone of this scene is intimate, introspective, and revealing. The scene ends with Zed and Zoey sharing a soft, understanding kiss, symbolizing their newfound connection and mutual respect.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of sex work

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and emotionally impactful. It delves deep into the characters' emotions and motivations, creating a strong connection with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complexities of human connection, honesty, and vulnerability in the context of a paid encounter is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the evolving relationship between Zed and Zoey, with a strong emphasis on character development and emotional depth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the dynamics of intimacy and connection, with characters engaging in meaningful dialogue and exploring deeper themes beyond the surface interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Zed and Zoey are well-developed, with layers of complexity and depth. Their interactions feel authentic and meaningful.

Character Changes: 7

Both Zed and Zoey experience emotional growth and vulnerability throughout the scene, leading to a deeper connection and understanding of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with Zoey on a deeper level and understand her as a person beyond their initial encounter.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to engage in a physical relationship with Zoey, as indicated by her initial proposition and their subsequent interaction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is some tension and conflict in the scene, the focus is more on emotional intimacy and connection rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in Zoey's challenge to Zed's assumptions and their differing perspectives on intimacy and connection.

High Stakes: 6

While the emotional stakes are high for Zed and Zoey in terms of vulnerability and connection, there are no immediate external high stakes present in the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Zed and Zoey, setting the stage for further character development and plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene offers some unpredictability in Zoey's character revelations and the shift in the dynamic between her and Zed, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the difference between perception and reality, as Zoey challenges Zed's assumptions about her profession and identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the intimate and vulnerable moments shared between Zed and Zoey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural, intimate, and reveals a lot about the characters' personalities and emotions. It enhances the connection between Zed and Zoey.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of sensuality, emotional depth, and philosophical dialogue, drawing the audience into the characters' intimate and complex relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of intimacy and introspection to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, allowing for clear visualization of character actions and interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that builds tension and emotional depth through character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a sensual and intimate interaction between Zed and Zoey, which quickly escalates into a sexual encounter. While the scene is well-written and captures the passion between the characters, it may come off as gratuitous and unnecessary for the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Zoey delves into deep topics like art and personal truths, which adds depth to their characters. However, the transition from discussing art to engaging in a sexual encounter feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The portrayal of Zoey as a student and escort is intriguing, but the scene could benefit from further exploration of her character and motivations. It would add more depth and complexity to her role in the story.
  • The scene could also be improved by focusing more on the emotional connection between Zed and Zoey, rather than just the physical aspect of their relationship. This would make their bond more meaningful and engaging for the audience.
  • Overall, while the scene captures a moment of intimacy and vulnerability between the characters, it could be enhanced by balancing the sensuality with a deeper exploration of their personalities and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus more on the emotional connection between Zed and Zoey, rather than just the physical aspect of their relationship.
  • Explore Zoey's character further to add depth and complexity to her role in the story.
  • Integrate the discussion about art and personal truths more seamlessly into the scene to create a cohesive narrative.
  • Consider the impact of the scene on the overall plot and whether it contributes significantly to the character development and storyline.
  • Ensure that the transition from dialogue to physical intimacy is smooth and serves a purpose in advancing the characters' arcs.



Scene 4 -  Unexpected Visitor
INT. ZED'S ROOM - NIGHT

Zed is asleep. Zoey is asleep in his arms.

There is a knocking at the door.

Zed opens his eyes.

The knock becomes a pound.

Zed gets up and puts on his pants. Zoey gets up and looks

around.

ZOEY
(groggily)
What time is it?

ZED
I have no idea. Night time.

There is more pounding on the door.

ZOEY
I'm going to take a shower.

She trots off naked to the bathroom and starts the shower.

Zed walks over to the door and opens it up.

Standing in the hall is Eric, a Frenchman of Zed's age

wearing baggy French-style clothes.

ERIC
(with a thick accent)
Hey you madman!

Zed's happy to see him.

ZED
Eric. Come in.

They hug.

ERIC
What happened to you? I thought
you were going to call.
16.


Eric walks in and starts to notice the traces of wild love

making around the room.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(smiling)
Oh I see. You have been busy.

ZED
Sorry, I asked the hotel to give me
a wake up call.

ERIC
That's good, but now I am here. So
let's go. We have a lot to talk
about.

ZED
What about the girl?

ERIC
Is she your girlfriend?

ZED
No.
ERIC
Fuck her.

He peeks into the bathroom.

ERIC (CONT'D)
She's a dishrag whore. Kick her
out.

ZED
I'll let her stay here tonight.

ERIC
Don't be silly. It's dangerous.

Eric walks into the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Zed and Zoey are asleep in Zed's room when Eric unexpectedly arrives and expresses disapproval of Zoey's presence. Despite Eric's urging to kick her out for safety reasons, Zed decides to let her stay for the night.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Negative sentiment may alienate some audience members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces conflict through the arrival of Eric, adding depth to the story and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring relationships, intimacy, and conflicting emotions is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as new conflicts and dynamics are introduced, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of loyalty and personal desires, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their complexities.

Character Changes: 6

Zed's character undergoes a subtle change as he navigates the dynamics between Zoey and Eric.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his feelings towards Zoey and Eric, balancing his desire for connection with his loyalty to his friend.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to figure out how to handle the situation with Zoey and Eric, while also dealing with the unexpected visit from Eric.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Zed, Zoey, and Eric adds tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and unexpected actions creating tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Zed must navigate the tensions between Zoey and Eric, leading to potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting emotions and unexpected actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to a friend and personal desires. Zed must decide whether to prioritize his friendship with Eric or his feelings for Zoey.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from intimacy to confrontation, keeping the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the unexpected visit from Eric.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions and development.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it transitions abruptly from a tender moment between Zed and Zoey to the sudden appearance of Eric without a smooth transition or build-up.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Eric feels forced and unnatural, with Eric's derogatory comments towards Zoey coming across as unnecessarily harsh and out of character.
  • The pacing of the scene is disjointed, with the shift from a romantic moment to Eric's arrival feeling jarring and not well integrated.
  • The character of Eric is introduced abruptly and his behavior towards Zoey is inconsistent with the tone of the previous interactions, making his sudden appearance and actions feel out of place.
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, failing to engage the audience or provide meaningful insight into the characters' motivations or relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up to Eric's arrival more gradually, perhaps foreshadowing his appearance earlier in the script to create a smoother transition.
  • Revisit the dialogue between Zed and Eric to make it more authentic and reflective of their relationship, avoiding unnecessary aggression or derogatory remarks.
  • Focus on developing the emotional dynamics between the characters to create a more impactful and engaging scene, with clear stakes and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.
  • Ensure that each character's actions and dialogue align with their established personalities and motivations, maintaining consistency throughout the scene.
  • Work on refining the pacing and structure of the scene to create a more cohesive and compelling narrative flow that keeps the audience invested in the story.



Scene 5 -  Disrespectful Encounter
INT. HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Eric walks up to the shower and knocks on the door. Zoey is

obviously surprised to see him.

ERIC
(in French with English
subtitles)
(MORE)
17.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Okay. Get out of the shower.
It's time for you to leave.]

ZOEY
[Fuck you.]

Eric opens up the door and yanks her out of the shower.

ERIC
[No. Come on you fucking slut!]

She shrieks.

ZOEY
[Let go of me you shit!!]

He drags her out into the room, she is dripping wet.


INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Zed can't believe this.

ZED
Eric.

ERIC
(to Zed)
Don't worry about her.
(to Zoey in French)
[Why don't you just go back to your
pimp and suck his black dick!]

She bites his hand. He yells in pain.

ERIC (CONT'D)
God damn it!

He kicks her in the butt and sends her toward the door.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Get the fuck out of here you
fucking whore!]

He opens the door and throws her into the hall.


INT. HOTEL - HALL - NIGHT

Naked, Zoey falls into the hall.
Eric slams the door shut.

She is instantly back on her feet and screaming as she pounds
18.


on the door.

ZOEY
[Give me my clothes you asshole!]


INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

She is pounding on the door.

ERIC
(looking at his hand
wound)
God damn it. Look at my hand.

ZED
(shocked at the whole
incident)
Jesus Eric.

ZOEY(O.S.)
Ouvres! Je veux mes habits!

Eric listens.

ERIC
Oh shit. Her clothes.

He picks up her clothes and her bag, opens the door, and

throws it into the hall just long enough for her to yell at

him.

ZOEY
(almost too quick to
understand)
Tu te prends pour qui espece de
connard!?

ERIC
La ferme!

He slams the door shut.

Then he turns to Zed.

ERIC (CONT'D)
So tell me, what have you been up
to?
Zed sits down on the bed.
19.


ZOEY(O.S.)
Allez vous faire enculer tous le
deux!

ZED
Eric, I liked that girl.

ERIC
Oh. Well, then why didn't you stop
me.

ZED
Because you were on a rampage.

ERIC
Look, your whole life you've done
nothing but fuck whores. A girl
like that will give you AIDS. Why
don't you find a nice girl in the
suburbs?

ZED
Because when you need to get off
you don't want to have to date for
months to do it.

ERIC
Just use your hand like me.

ZED
Sometimes you just need
honesty...and security.

ERIC
I don't understand. Anyway, it's
too late. Get dressed, let's go
out and meet the boys.

ZED
Okay, let me take a shower.

ERIC
No, in Paris it's good to smell
like you've been fucking. It will
make them respect you.

ZED
Oh.

ERIC
Just put on a shirt and a sport
coat.

Zed starts to get dressed
20.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Eric forcefully removes Zoey from the shower, insults her, and throws her out of the hotel room naked. Zed witnesses the incident and expresses disapproval as Eric throws Zoey's clothes and bag into the hall. The tense and uncomfortable scene ends with Eric telling Zed to get dressed to go out, while Zoey continues to yell for her clothes from the hall.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation
  • Derogatory language

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and effectively conveys the power dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the darker side of relationships and the consequences of objectifying others is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of conflict and the revelation of character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a unique and fresh approach to depicting power dynamics and control in a gritty setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative, making it stand out.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and impactful.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes during the confrontation, revealing new aspects of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert dominance and control over the situation, reflecting his need for power and authority. He also displays a lack of empathy and respect towards others, showcasing his deeper fears and desires for superiority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to get Zoey out of the hotel room, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with her presence and behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is high, leading to a dramatic and intense confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and actions between the characters creating a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters' relationships and personal boundaries are tested.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' volatile behavior and unexpected twists, creating a sense of tension and suspense for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Eric's aggressive and disrespectful behavior towards Zoey and Zed's more empathetic and compassionate approach. This challenges Eric's beliefs about power and control, highlighting the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, heightening the tension and drama.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and unpredictable nature, keeping the audience on edge with the characters' conflicting motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' escalating conflicts and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting that enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with violence, aggression, and derogatory language towards Zoey, which may be off-putting to some viewers.
  • The portrayal of Eric as physically and verbally abusive towards Zoey raises concerns about the depiction of domestic violence and misogyny.
  • The scene lacks depth and character development, focusing more on shock value and sensationalism.
  • The dialogue is harsh and lacks subtlety, making the interactions between the characters feel forced and unrealistic.
  • The scene perpetuates negative stereotypes about women, sex workers, and relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the violence and aggression in the scene to make it more palatable for viewers.
  • Explore more nuanced ways to depict conflict and tension between characters without resorting to extreme actions and language.
  • Focus on developing the characters of Eric, Zed, and Zoey to create more depth and complexity in their interactions.
  • Add layers to the dialogue to make the conversations more realistic and engaging for the audience.
  • Avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes and cliches in the portrayal of relationships and interactions between characters.



Scene 6 -  Midnight Drive Through Paris
EXT. BOULEVARD SAINT MICHEL - NIGHT

The McDonalds on the corner of Boulevard Saint Michel and Rue

Soufflot is bustling.

Eric's Citroen screeches around the corner on it's way past

the Pantheon and into the heart of the fifth Arrondissment.


INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Eric and Zed are driving through the streets of Paris in

Eric's car. The grooving Ryuichi Sakamoto song "Triste" is

playing on the radio.

ERIC
I'm glad you came. How long has it
been?

ZED
Years.

ERIC
It's amazing, you know? Here you
are. One day in America. Now here.

ZED
Well, to be honest there really
wasn't much happening for me in the
states.

ERIC
But in Paris your old friend Eric
has a job for you, so you came.
That's good.

ZED
How could I resist your invitation?

ERIC
You would have been stupid to.

ZED
So what have you been doing here?

ERIC
After school I spent some time in
Algeria studying African
philosophy. And then I bummed
around. You know. For fun.
(MORE)
21.

ERIC (CONT'D)
For a while I worked at Le Figaro.
The newspaper.

ZED
Really?

ERIC
Yes. With an assumed Masters
degree. And lately we have just
been bombing fascists here in
Paris. You know, like terrorists.

Zed looks over at him.

ERIC (CONT'D)
It's fun.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Friendship"]

Summary Eric and Zed drive through the streets of Paris at night, discussing their past experiences and recent activities of bombing fascists. The scene is casual and conversational, with a hint of mystery surrounding Eric's activities. It ends with them continuing their conversation as they drive through the city.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character development
  • Setting establishment
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets the tone for the friendship between Eric and Zed, while also introducing a darker theme of terrorism. The dialogue is engaging and reveals insights into the characters' lives.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reuniting old friends in a new setting like Paris is intriguing. The introduction of terrorism as a casual topic adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 6

The plot progresses as Eric and Zed catch up on each other's lives. The mention of terrorism hints at potential conflicts to come.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as Eric's nonchalant attitude towards terrorism and Zed's conflicted response, adding depth and complexity to the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the nuances of friendship and moral dilemmas.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Eric and Zed are well-developed through their dialogue and interactions. Eric's casual attitude towards terrorism contrasts with Zed's more reserved nature.

Character Changes: 5

There is not significant character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential growth in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with an old friend and navigate their complex relationship. This reflects their desire for connection, understanding, and possibly a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to catch up with his friend Eric and learn about his life in Paris. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of their reunion and the challenges of communication and understanding.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a hint of conflict with the mention of terrorism, the scene is mostly focused on the reunion between friends.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and moral dilemmas creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate their differences and whether their friendship will survive.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and casual conversation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the friendship between Eric and Zed and introducing the theme of terrorism.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Eric's involvement in terrorist activities and Zed's conflicted response. The shifting dynamics between the characters keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's choices and values. Eric's casual attitude towards bombing fascists challenges Zed's beliefs and moral compass, creating tension and questioning their friendship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and reflection, but the emotional impact is not overly intense.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters' past and present. It also sets the tone for their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between Eric and Zed, the subtle humor, and the underlying tension of conflicting values. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, drawing the audience into the characters' world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of the characters' conflicting values and motivations. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy sequence, with clear character cues and scene descriptions. It maintains a smooth flow of dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven sequence, with a clear progression of conversation and character development. It effectively sets up the relationship dynamics and conflicts between Eric and Zed.


Critique
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue between Eric and Zed feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more natural and engaging conversation.
  • The character development of Eric and his background could be more subtly integrated into the dialogue instead of feeling like a direct information dump.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, making it feel a bit static and dialogue-heavy.
  • The mention of bombing fascists in Paris comes across as a shocking revelation without much context or build-up, which may need more development to feel organic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief establishing shot of the car driving through the streets of Paris to smoothly transition from the previous scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Eric and Zed more dynamic and engaging by incorporating subtext and character motivations.
  • Integrate Eric's background information more organically into the conversation by revealing details gradually instead of all at once.
  • Include more visual descriptions of the surroundings and character actions to enhance the scene's atmosphere and make it more immersive.
  • Provide more context or build-up to Eric's activities in Paris to make the mention of bombing fascists feel more integrated into the story.



Scene 7 -  Eric's Flat
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - OUTER STAIRWELL - NIGHT

Eric and Zed walk up the stairs to the fifth floor where

Eric's flat is. On the top landing there is a dead cat
laying. Zed and Eric notice the cat as Eric is opening the

door.

There is also a telephone coming out of the neighbors door.

ERIC
The people next door are on
holiday. We took their phone. If
you want to make a long distance
call, go ahead.

ZED
Is that cat dead?

ERIC
I don't know. I think it's asleep
but it's been there for days.

Eric gives it a kick. No response.

ERIC (CONT'D)
I guess it is dead.

They walk into the flat.
22.


INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Eric's flat consists of a good sized living room area with a

connected kitchen and a small bedroom in the back. In the

front of the living room there is a small balcony where the

sounds of the city pour in. The room itself is a general

mess. A bunch of guns are piled in one corner of the floor.

Hung up on the wall is a huge, French "Dressed To Kill"

poster.

Some Brazilian Gilberto/Getz music is playing.

Sitting at the table playing cards are three men: FRANCOIS,

RICARDO, and JEAN.

Sitting on the couch rolling a cigarette with hash is CLAUDE

and OLIVER.

They all turn as Zed and Eric walk in.

ERIC
Hello.

They all return the greeting.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(to Zed)
Okay. This is Francois, Ricardo,
Jean, Oliver, and Claude. Got it?

ZED
I will.

ERIC
They all know who you are.
(to the rest of them)
Ne soyez pa salauds. Offrez une
biere au plus grand perceur de
coffres.

Oliver stands up and walks to the kitchen.

OLIVER
(with an English accent)
Zed, would you like a beer?
23.


ZED
Thanks.

OLIVER
Don't think of it.

CLAUDE
(to Zed)
Come. Sit down.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Eric and Zed enter Eric's messy flat, where they are welcomed by a group of men. The group includes Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Oliver, and Claude. Eric introduces Zed to the group, and Oliver offers him a beer. Zed accepts and the group continues their activities.
Strengths
  • Intriguing characters
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, introduces intriguing characters, and sets up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a gathering of shady characters in a messy flat with guns and a dead cat creates a unique and intriguing setting.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Zed is introduced to Eric's associates, hinting at potential conflicts and alliances.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the dead cat, the telephone coming out of the neighbor's door, and the mix of cultural influences among the characters. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are mysterious, intriguing, and potentially dangerous, adding depth and tension to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new characters hints at potential developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex relationships and dynamics within his social circle. He wants to maintain his status and reputation among his friends while also introducing Zed to the group.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to introduce Zed to his friends and ensure that he is accepted by the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The presence of guns, mysterious characters, and potential alliances and conflicts raise the level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the presence of the dead cat and the tension between the characters adding complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The presence of guns, mysterious characters, and potential conflicts raise the stakes in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new characters, potential conflicts, and alliances, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected presence of the dead cat and the mysterious telephone coming out of the neighbor's door.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between loyalty to friends and moral ambiguity. The characters are involved in criminal activities, but also show loyalty and camaraderie towards each other.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes tension and suspense, but the emotional impact is more subdued compared to the intensity of the setting.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is cryptic and hints at hidden agendas and past experiences, adding to the mysterious tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mystery surrounding the dead cat, the introduction of new characters, and the tension between the protagonist and his friends.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively introducing the setting, characters, and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it seems to serve as a transition between locations without adding much to the overall story.
  • The introduction of the dead cat and the neighbor's phone feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The messy environment and the presence of guns in the living room are cliched and don't add depth to the characters or the story.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth or meaningful interaction between the characters.
  • The scene lacks tension, conflict, or any significant development in the plot.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose or to introduce elements that contribute to the overall story.
  • Focus on developing the characters through their interactions and dialogue, adding depth and complexity to their relationships.
  • Consider removing the dead cat and the neighbor's phone as they do not add value to the scene.
  • Explore ways to create tension or conflict within the scene to engage the audience and drive the story forward.
  • Revisit the setting and visual elements to make them more meaningful and reflective of the characters' personalities or the story's themes.



Scene 8 -  Shenanigans at Eric's Flat
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

The kitchen is an absolute pig stye. Dishes are piled up in

the sink and on the counter.

Oliver grabs a glass that has some old beer in it and empties

it. He scratches some filth off of it and pours some beer

into the glass.


INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Zed takes a seat on the couch next to Claude.

Suddenly, a SPIDER MONKEY dressed in a little Uncle Sam

costume comes screeching up onto Zed's lap and then up onto

his head, the whole time clawing at his eyes.

Eric, amused, turns from the men playing cards and smiles.

CLAUDE
(to Zed)
Easy. Don't scare him. He just
wants to claim you.

Zed is frozen as the monkey climbs around him and then onto

Claude's shoulder.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
Let me introduce you properly.
This is Enrique.

The monkey screeches.
24.


CLAUDE (CONT'D)
He likes to be called Chim Chim,
but we don't always get what we
like...do we?

Again, the hideous creature screeches.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
(to Enrique)
Tais-toi!
(then to Zed)
Do you like hash?

Then Eric interrupts.

ERIC
(jokingly)
Don't sit next to that junkie.

CLAUDE
Ahhhhhh!

Claude throws a lit cigarette at him which explodes into a

mass of sparks. They laugh.
ERIC
(to Claude)
That little shit monkey of yours
pissed on my Billy Holiday albums.
Next time he's out the door.
(to Zed)
Zed, come here.

Zed gets up and goes with Eric to the bedroom. On the way

Oliver hands him the glass of beer.

OLIVER
Here you go mate.

ZED
Thanks.

Oliver sits down next to Claude.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Amidst the chaos of a dirty kitchen, Oliver finds a clean glass and pours himself a beer. As Zed enters, a spider monkey dressed as Uncle Sam jumps on his head, introduced as Enrique by Claude. Claude harasses Zed with the monkey before offering him hash. A lit cigarette thrown at Eric sparks and ignites laughter. Eric mentions the monkey urinating on his albums, then calls Zed into the bedroom. Oliver hands Zed a beer as he goes.
Strengths
  • Strong character interactions
  • Unique and engaging setting
  • Witty dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Messy and chaotic environment may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, comedy, and surrealism to create a unique and engaging atmosphere. The presence of the spider monkey and the chaotic environment in Eric's flat add layers to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a spider monkey into the scene adds a surreal and unexpected element, enhancing the overall tone of the screenplay.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Zed interacts with Eric and his group of friends, setting up potential conflicts and relationships for future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene features unique situations such as a monkey in an Uncle Sam costume and characters with unconventional behavior. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and fresh, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, especially Eric and Claude, are well-defined and their interactions are engaging. The introduction of Enrique the spider monkey adds a unique element to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, but the interactions between the characters set up potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene may be to navigate the strange and unpredictable situation with the monkey and his eccentric friends while maintaining composure and adapting to the environment.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene may be to establish a connection with the other characters and navigate the social dynamics of the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, particularly between Eric and the monkey Enrique, adding tension and humor to the interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and establishing the tone of the screenplay.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, establishing relationships, and setting up potential conflicts for future development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the presence of the monkey, the characters' eccentric behavior, and unexpected plot developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene may revolve around the characters' differing attitudes towards chaos, cleanliness, and social norms. The protagonist may be challenged by the unconventional behavior of the others and the monkey.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including amusement, disgust, and surprise, adding depth to the overall experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and adds depth to the characters' personalities. It also helps to establish the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its quirky characters, unpredictable events, and humorous dialogue.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character dynamics, and maintaining audience interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to read and follow.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a typical format for a character-driven, dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it seems to focus on the introduction of a spider monkey named Enrique, which feels random and disconnected from the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Claude, Zed, and Enrique feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth or meaningful interaction.
  • The use of the spider monkey as a comedic element falls flat and comes across as more confusing than entertaining.
  • The transition from the monkey interaction to Eric's interruption feels abrupt and disjointed, disrupting the flow of the scene.
  • The humor in the scene, such as the monkey urinating on Billy Holiday albums, feels forced and out of place given the lack of context or build-up.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose or tie-in to the overall plot, rather than introducing random elements like the spider monkey.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful and engaging dialogue between the characters to add depth and authenticity to the interactions.
  • If the monkey is to be included, ensure that its presence serves a purpose in advancing the story or character development.
  • Work on creating smoother transitions between different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Reconsider the use of humor and ensure that it aligns with the tone and context of the overall screenplay.



Scene 9 -  The Heist Plan
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Eric's bed has probably never been made. In fact, this room
looks a lot like Quentin Tarantino's old apartment. But,

there is a certain order to all this chaos. Eric pulls out a
25.


blueprint and spreads it out over the bed.

ERIC
Don't ask me where we got this.

ZED
Okay.

ERIC
On Bastille Day, all the banks are
closed.

He places his hand on the blueprint.

ERIC (CONT'D)
But this one. BIP. The Banque
Internationale de Paris. And for
being greedy capitalists perhaps
they will remain closed next
Bastille day. Yes?

Zed smiles.

ERIC (CONT'D)
We will go in and shut the bank
down. Now, look at this.
Eric pulls out a complex electronic schematic.

ERIC (CONT'D)
As you can see, only one person can
start the alarm.
(he hands it to Zed)
The concierge, at this desk.
(he points it out on the
blueprint)
We will take care of him. Then we
can close the bank. No one will
know the difference since every
other bank will be closed.

ZED
(turning the schematic
around)
Are you sure he won't push the
alarm?

ERIC
Ahhh! He's right next to the door.
We'd have to be totally incompetent
not to stop him. Don't worry about
that.

He points to the main floor vault.
26.


ERIC (CONT'D)
Here. This is where they keep the
days reserve cash. Okay fuck that.

He flips the page to the lower level blueprint.

ERIC (CONT'D)
There are many vaults downstairs,
but this is the vault we must get
into. This is where the real prize
is.

ZED
What kind of vault is that?

He checks the blueprint.

ERIC
Ah...Swiss made. A Caliber.

ZED
Caliber?
(he thinks about it)
It'll take three hours.

ERIC
No, that's too long.

ZED
That's how long it'll take.

ERIC
Well shit. It's too long. We have
to be in and out.
(he snaps his fingers)
Like that. Or there will be
suspicion. A little time is
okay...but too long and...

He shrugs his shoulders in an "I don't know gesture."

ZED
Well hold on a second.
(pointing to the
blueprint)
What's this?

Eric looks down at the blueprint. There is a small passage

connecting the main vault to an adjacent vault.
ERIC
Another vault.
27.


ZED
No this.

Eric looks closely at the blueprint.

ERIC
I don't know...it connects the two
vaults.

ZED
Well, what kind of vault is this
other one?

ERIC
(reading the blueprint)
Also Swiss, but this one is a
Poseidon.

ZED
Why would those two vaults be
connected?

ERIC
I don't know.

ZED
Because I can get into this vault
in half an hour. Maybe less.

ERIC
But this entry way is too small to
get the platen out. We have a lot
of merchandise in there.

ZED
No, don't you see? We get in
through this secondary vault and
take this passage to the other main
vault. From the inside I could
open the Caliber vault in five
minutes.

ERIC
You could open it in five minutes?

ZED
From the inside it's easy.

ERIC
(excited)
Hot damn. That is our answer.

ZED
Okay. When is Bastille day?
28.


ERIC
Tomorrow.

ZED
Tomorrow!? We're doing this
tomorrow?

ERIC
But of course.

ZED
It's impossible.

ERIC
It's not impossible. Everyone
knows what to do.

ZED
I don't know what to do.

ERIC
You don't need to know shit. Just
get into the vault and we'll do the
rest.

ZED
I haven't even seen the bank.

ERIC
Fuck the bank. Before we do a job
we live life. It's better that
way. Okay?

ZED
(unsure)
Okay.

ERIC
Good. Now we do heroin!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Eric and Zed discuss a plan to rob the Banque Internationale de Paris on Bastille Day in Eric's messy bedroom. Eric lays out the blueprint of the bank and convinces Zed to participate in the heist, despite his initial doubts. They strategize on how to access the main vault using a secondary vault and decide to execute the heist the next day. The tense and suspenseful tone of the scene is heightened by the time constraint of the tight deadline. The scene ends with Eric suggesting they do heroin before the heist, setting a dangerous and risky tone for the upcoming robbery.
Strengths
  • Detailed heist planning
  • Tension and suspense
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Sudden shift to drug use

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a significant plot point for the story. The mix of planning a heist and drug use adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of planning a bank heist on Bastille Day is intriguing and sets up a major turning point in the story. The introduction of the secondary vault adds complexity and raises the stakes.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the planning of the heist and the introduction of the secondary vault. The scene sets up a major conflict and raises the tension for the upcoming events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by focusing on the characters' planning process and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Eric and Zed are developed through their dialogue and actions. Eric is portrayed as a charismatic leader, while Zed shows intelligence and adaptability. The introduction of the criminal group adds depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Zed shows a willingness to take risks and adapt to the situation, showcasing a potential character growth arc. Eric's leadership and charisma are highlighted, setting up his role in the heist.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal in this scene is to successfully plan and execute the heist. This reflects his desire for excitement, adventure, and possibly financial gain.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to rob the Banque Internationale de Paris and get away with the money. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in planning and executing the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the planning of a risky bank heist and the introduction of drug use adding tension and unpredictability. The clash of personalities and the high stakes raise the conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges in planning the heist. The uncertainty of whether they will succeed adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the planning of a risky bank heist on Bastille Day and the introduction of drug use adding danger and suspense. The characters' lives and freedom are on the line.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the heist plan, setting up the conflict, and raising the stakes for the characters. It propels the narrative towards the upcoming action.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' planning and the revelation of new obstacles they must overcome. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the heist will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral values and willingness to commit a crime for personal gain. Eric's justification for robbing the bank as a form of protest against greedy capitalists challenges traditional ethical norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes tension and anticipation, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced. The focus is more on the suspense and thrill of the upcoming heist.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The conversation about the heist plan is crucial for understanding the upcoming events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' planning process and the tension of the heist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' planning process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a clear setup of the characters' goals and obstacles they must overcome. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension considering the high-stakes situation of planning a bank heist.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too casual and lacks the intensity needed for a scene involving planning a robbery.
  • There is a lack of visual description to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • The transition from discussing the heist plan to suddenly deciding to do heroin feels abrupt and out of place.
  • The character motivations and emotions could be more clearly defined to add depth and complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and urgency to the dialogue and interactions between Eric and Zed to reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • Provide more visual details to enhance the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build up to the decision to do heroin, as it currently feels disconnected from the main plot.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and emotions further to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to ensure a smooth flow of events and a clear progression of the plot.



Scene 10 -  Heroin Preparation
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

EXTREME CLOSE ON: Eric making heroin.

The heroin powder is put into a spoon with some lemon

squeezed into it, then a little bit of tap water. Huddled

around Eric are Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver.
29.


OLIVER
(so high he's wobbling)
You have to look at the Starship
Enterprise as a metaphor for the
human brain.

No one is really listening to Oliver. Eric takes out a

lighter and cooks it to a boil.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
(continuing)
Spock is the right hemisphere of
the brain, all logic and intellect.
Mc Coy is the left hemisphere,
stricktly emotional. And Kirk is
the unseen observer. He drifts
between the two. Back and forth,
as it might be, caught between the
two thought processes.

ERIC
[Cotton.]

Ricardo hands him a cotton ball.
OLIVER
(continuing)
It's really quite brilliant you
know. That's why Star Trek is and
always will be a hit show.

Eric places the cotton ball in the spoon with the mixture.

ERIC
(to Oliver)
[Here, shut up and hold this.]

He hands Oliver the spoon and takes out a needle. Using the

cotton as a filter he draws the heroin into the syringe.

Then, he holds the syringe up and starts tapping it.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Don't want to get air bubbles in
my veins.]

They all laugh at this.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Eric is shown preparing heroin in his bathroom with the help of his friends Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver. Oliver rambles about Star Trek being a metaphor for the human brain while Eric focuses on preparing the heroin for injection. The setting is in Eric's flat, specifically in the bathroom, at night. The conflict revolves around the illegal and dangerous act of preparing and using heroin, which is not resolved in this scene. The tone is dark, intense, and drug-fueled, with dialogue including Oliver talking about Star Trek and Eric and his friends joking about injecting heroin. Visual elements include the preparation of heroin in a spoon, the use of a cotton filter, and the drawing of heroin into a syringe. The scene ends with Eric tapping the syringe to avoid air bubbles and his friends laughing at his comment.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense tone
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of drug use and criminal behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a dark and intense tone, introducing the audience to the characters' dangerous world and establishing a sense of tension and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of drug use and criminal activities is central to the scene, driving the characters' actions and motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters discuss their criminal plans and engage in risky behavior, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh approach to the portrayal of drug addiction, focusing on the characters' justification and glorification of drug use as a means of escape and enlightenment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is some potential for character growth and change, particularly in Zed's moral compass, the focus is more on their criminal activities and risky behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to satisfy his addiction and escape reality through drug use. This reflects his deeper need for escapism and temporary relief from his troubles.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully prepare and inject heroin without any complications. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in satisfying his addiction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as the characters engage in risky behavior and discuss criminal activities, setting the stage for potential confrontations and dangerous situations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face the challenge of successfully preparing and injecting heroin without any complications. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the tension and uncertainty of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters engage in risky behavior, discuss criminal activities, and face potential consequences for their actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters' criminal plans and setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions and dialogue create a sense of tension and uncertainty. The audience is unsure of the outcome of the drug use and the consequences it will have on the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the characters' justification and glorification of drug use as a means of escape and enlightenment. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the consequences of drug addiction and the impact it has on his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of tension and unease, but the emotional impact is somewhat limited due to the characters' detached and cynical attitudes.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, cynical, and reflective of the characters' jaded perspectives, adding depth to their interactions and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension, desperation, and darkness through the characters' actions and dialogue. The raw and unfiltered portrayal of drug addiction draws the audience in and keeps them invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the tension and desperation of drug addiction through the use of quick cuts, intense dialogue, and a dark setting. It contributes to the effectiveness of the scene by keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the intensity and darkness of drug addiction through the use of extreme close-ups, descriptive language, and realistic dialogue. It follows the expected format for a scene set in a drug-filled environment.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the tension and desperation of drug addiction through the use of close-ups, intense dialogue, and a dark setting. It follows the expected format for a gritty and realistic portrayal of drug use.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and substance, focusing solely on the process of making heroin without any meaningful dialogue or character development.
  • Oliver's rambling about Star Trek as a metaphor for the human brain feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The scene fails to engage the audience or move the story forward, serving as a stagnant moment in the screenplay.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the characters' motivations, relationships, or conflicts in a more meaningful way.
  • The humor around injecting heroin and avoiding air bubbles in veins may come across as insensitive or trivializing a serious issue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the scene by incorporating meaningful dialogue or character interactions that reveal more about the characters' personalities or motivations.
  • Revisit Oliver's dialogue about Star Trek and consider if it adds value to the scene or if it could be replaced with more relevant content.
  • Explore ways to make the scene more engaging and impactful, perhaps by introducing a conflict or tension that drives the story forward.
  • Use this scene as an opportunity to delve into the characters' emotions, relationships, or internal struggles to add depth and complexity to the story.
  • Be mindful of the tone and portrayal of drug use in the scene, ensuring it is handled sensitively and responsibly.



Scene 11 -  Temptation in Eric's Flat
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

In the meantime, Zed is sitting on the couch with Claude and
30.


Jean. Claude is rolling a hash and tobacco cigarette. Jean

is chopping up some powder heroin on the glass of a small

picture.

JEAN
Do you want heroin?

ZED
No, I want to be sharp for
tomorrow.

Jean and Claude laugh at this.

JEAN
No. A little bit of heroin, some
hash, a beer...and you're just
right.

Jean snorts a line.

Claude offers Zed the spliff. Zed shakes his head "no".

CLAUDE
Okay.

JEAN
(recovering from the
snort)
That's good.

Eric, Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver come out of the kitchen

laughing.

Eric, Ricardo, and Oliver take a seat on the couch opposite

Zed. Francois sits on the floor.

Eric rolls up his sleeve.

ERIC
(to Ricardo in French)
[Hold my arm.]
(then to Zed)
My vein is like a rock.

Ricardo takes hold of his arm and squeezes. Eric inserts the

needle into his vein and draws out a little blood. It mixes

with the heroin, then he pumps it in...then back into the
31.


syringe, then all the way back in.

He withdraws the needle.

Ricardo lets go of his arm.

Eric is in bliss. His eyes roll back into his head. He

looks like he's on the verge of falling asleep.

Then Jean takes another snort.

Pretty soon everyone is smoking and getting high, shooting

up, and drinking more beer.

Then Jean holds out a piece of folded aluminum foil with some

heroin in it.

JEAN
(to Zed)
Try some. It's called chasing the
dragon. The Chinese have been
doing it for centuries.

ZED
I don't think so.

JEAN
Oh, but you must. It will make you
feel as though the rest of the
world is in a bubble of glass and
that you're rubbing up against it
like a bad windshield wiper.

They stick the aluminum foil with the heroin in it up next to

his face. They then light the bottom of the foil with a

lighter. Before Zed knows it, he's inhaling a silky ribbon

of smoke.

Suddenly our plane of focus wildly shifts and we...

FOCUS DISSOLVE
TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Drug"]

Summary Zed is tempted by Jean and Claude to try heroin, hash, and beer, but ultimately declines. Eric, Ricardo, and Oliver join them, with Eric injecting heroin. Jean encourages Zed to try heroin by chasing the dragon, and he inhales the smoke. The scene ends with a focus dissolve, indicating a shift in perspective.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective portrayal of addiction and criminality
  • Compelling character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential glorification of drug use and criminal behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the dark and intense tone of drug addiction and criminal activities, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of drug addiction and criminal behavior is well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' dangerous world.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters engage in drug use and discuss criminal activities, setting the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of drug use and its consequences, with realistic dialogue and actions that add depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' behavior and interactions reveal their complex personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' descent into drug addiction and criminal activities marks a significant change in their behavior and outlook.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to resist the temptation of drugs and stay sharp for the next day. This reflects his desire to maintain control over his life and not succumb to the destructive habits of those around him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it can be inferred that he wants to avoid getting further involved in the drug use happening around him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the characters' risky behavior and criminal plans, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his resolve and decision-making.

High Stakes: 8

The characters' involvement in drug addiction and criminal activities raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets the stage for future events by introducing the characters' criminal plans and risky behavior.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unpredictable actions and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between indulgence and self-control. The characters are torn between giving in to their desires for immediate gratification through drugs or maintaining their sense of responsibility and clarity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through its portrayal of drug addiction and criminal behavior, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, enhancing the intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the interactions of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene depicts drug use in a casual and almost celebratory manner, which can be concerning as it glamorizes substance abuse.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters normalize heroin use and peer pressure Zed into trying it, which can send a dangerous message to viewers.
  • The scene lacks depth and fails to explore the consequences or impact of drug use, presenting it as a casual and enjoyable activity.
  • The focus on drug use overshadows any character development or plot progression, making the scene feel disconnected from the rest of the script.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and responsible portrayal of drug use, highlighting the risks and consequences rather than glorifying it.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to address the dangers and negative effects of drug use, providing a more balanced and realistic depiction.
  • Focus on character development and how drug use impacts the relationships and decisions of the characters, adding depth to the scene.
  • Explore the emotional and psychological aspects of drug addiction, showing the internal struggles and conflicts faced by the characters.
  • Integrate the drug use into the overall narrative arc of the script, ensuring it serves a purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Consult with experts or resources on substance abuse to ensure a responsible and accurate portrayal of drug use in the scene.



Scene 12 -  Midnight Race Through Paris
INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Ricardo is racing Eric's car through the streets of Paris
32.


weaving in and out of traffic. Next to him is Oliver, and in

the back seat is Zed and Eric. They're giving the very

stoned Zed a whirlwind tour of the sights.

A car speeds up next to them. In it is Francois, and Claude,

with Jean driving. They are racing with Ricardo through the

streets.

The Patrick Hernandez song "Born To Be Alive" is blasting

away on the radio.

ERIC
There. That's Notre Dame.

But before Zed can even look it has past by.

RICARDO
Do you like French cars?

All Zed can notice is that the speedometer is at 160

kilometers per hour. He tries to calculate what that is in

miles per hour.

ZED
(answering Enrique's
question)
Yes.

RICARDO
I like the Cadillac. Fifty-two to
seventy-five. Very nice.

ERIC
Up here you can see the Eiffel
tower.

Zed is in too much of a blur. He leans over to Eric.

ZED
Is tomorrow really Bastille day?

ERIC
Yes, tomorrow we pull the biggest
job in French history. And spend
the rest of our lives in Monte
Carlo.
33.


The drunken Englishman, Oliver, belches and then cheers.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ricardo speeds through Paris with Eric, Oliver, and Zed, giving Zed a quick tour of the city's landmarks. A rival gang led by Francois, Claude, and Jean races alongside them, creating a sense of tension. The characters discuss their plans to rob a bank on Bastille Day and retire to Monte Carlo, leaving Zed overwhelmed by the speed and excitement.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Dynamic characters
  • Intense action sequences
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of criminal behavior
  • Lack of depth in character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and intense, with a fast-paced narrative that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The combination of action, dialogue, and character dynamics creates a compelling story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of planning a heist on Bastille Day in Paris is intriguing and sets up a high-stakes situation for the characters. The scene effectively introduces the criminal activities of the group and establishes the tension that will drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear goal of executing a heist on Bastille Day. The scene sets up the conflict and stakes for the characters, leading to a suspenseful and action-packed narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the heist genre by combining elements of high-speed racing and impending danger. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are diverse and complex, each bringing their own motivations and personalities to the scene. The dynamics between the group of friends add depth to the story and set up potential conflicts and alliances.

Character Changes: 6

Some characters show subtle changes in their behavior and relationships throughout the scene, particularly as they navigate the risks and rewards of their criminal activities. These changes set up potential character arcs for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and focus despite the high-speed race and stoned friend in the car. This reflects his need for control and his ability to handle intense situations.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete the race through the streets of Paris and prepare for the upcoming heist on Bastille day. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters navigate their criminal activities and personal relationships. The high-stakes heist adds tension and suspense to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in the race and the impending heist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters plan a daring heist on Bastille Day and engage in risky behavior. The potential consequences of their actions add tension and suspense to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the heist and establishing the dynamics between the characters. The high-speed car chase and drug use add action and suspense to the narrative, propelling the plot towards the climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the race and the characters' reactions to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the thrill of the high-speed race and the impending danger of the heist. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about risk-taking and consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement and danger to camaraderie and tension. The characters' interactions and the high-stakes situation create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, reflecting the personalities of the characters and driving the plot forward. The banter between the friends adds humor and tension to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high-speed race, impending heist, and dynamic interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the characters' goals and the impending conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters simply stating facts about landmarks and cars.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The use of the song "Born To Be Alive" as a background element feels cliched and uninspired.
  • The character interactions are superficial and do not reveal much about their personalities or motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more organic transition from the previous scene to create a smoother flow.
  • Focus on developing meaningful dialogue that reveals character traits, relationships, or conflicts.
  • Introduce tension or conflict in the scene to create a sense of urgency or stakes.
  • Avoid using cliched elements like popular songs as background music, and instead focus on creating a unique atmosphere.
  • Work on deepening the character interactions to make them more engaging and dynamic.



Scene 13 -  Midnight Race
EXT. PARIS STREET - NIGHT

The two cars are franticly racing through traffic.


INT. JEAN'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Jean is very intent on beating them to whatever location it

is they're going to.

Claude, in the seat next to him, gives him some advice.

CLAUDE
[Faster, faster...go faster. Let's
beat them!]

Francois laughs and coughs out a cloud of smoke.


EXT. PARIS STREET - NIGHT

Jean's car makes a dangerous lane change across traffic and

cuts off Ricardo.


INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Ricardo swerves as he passes a joint to Eric.

RICARDO
[Shit! That bastard.]

ERIC
(to Ricardo)
Watch it! Don't crash my car.

Eric takes a big hit.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Over here is where the male
prostitutes sell themselves. Do
you see?

No, Zed doesn't see.

Suddenly, everyone in the car is shouting out the windows.
34.


OLIVER
(out the window)
Fucking fags!

ERIC
(also out the window)
Suce ma bite?!

RICARDO
Perverts d'homosexuels!

Eric laughs.

ERIC
(into Zed's ear)
This is good to have you here. We
could not do this without you.

Zed nods.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Everyone has agreed to give you
double shares. That's good.

Zed nods, delirious.
ERIC (CONT'D)
You know I have AIDS. From the
needle.

Zed can't believe this. He's not sure if what he heard was

what he thought he heard.

ZED
Really?

Then Eric sees something.

ERIC
Okay, up here is the Arc de
Triomphe.

They take a sharp turn.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A heart-pounding car race unfolds through the streets of Paris under the cloak of night. Jean, the driver, is hellbent on victory, while his companions Claude, François, and Zed engage in reckless maneuvers. Meanwhile, in a separate car, Ricardo and Eric smoke and exchange a joint, unaware of Eric's harrowing secret: he has been diagnosed with AIDS. The race intensifies as the cars weave through traffic, with the characters taunting each other and pushing their limits. As the race reaches its climax, the cars approach the iconic Arc de Triomphe.
Strengths
  • Intense pacing
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High stakes setup
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in the scene
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of risky behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the stakes for the upcoming heist. The high-speed car race adds excitement and showcases the characters' risky behavior. The revelation of Eric's AIDS diagnosis adds a dark and dangerous element to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed car race through Paris streets leading to a dangerous bank heist is engaging and sets up the tone for the rest of the screenplay. The introduction of Eric's AIDS diagnosis adds a unique and unexpected twist to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters discuss their plans for the bank heist and the tension builds with the high-speed car race. The scene sets up the conflict and stakes for the upcoming events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as references to male prostitution and the revelation of a character's AIDS diagnosis, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reckless behavior and interactions during the car race reveal their personalities and motivations. Eric's revelation of his AIDS diagnosis adds depth to his character and raises the stakes for the group.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the revelation of Eric's AIDS diagnosis adds complexity to his character and sets up potential changes in his behavior and relationships in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jean's internal goal is to win the race and prove his skills as a driver. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to beat the other cars in the race, reflecting the immediate challenge he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters is heightened during the high-speed car race, showcasing their reckless behavior and setting up the tension for the upcoming heist. Eric's revelation of his AIDS diagnosis adds an additional layer of conflict and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high-speed car race and the revelation of Eric's AIDS diagnosis raise the stakes for the characters, setting up the danger and consequences of their actions. The scene establishes the risks involved in their criminal activities.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the tension and stakes for the upcoming bank heist. The high-speed car race and Eric's revelation of his AIDS diagnosis propel the narrative towards the next plot point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelation of a character's AIDS diagnosis and the tense race dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' attitudes towards LGBTQ individuals and the use of derogatory language. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and suspense as the characters engage in a high-speed car race through Paris streets. The revelation of Eric's AIDS diagnosis adds a sense of danger and raises the emotional stakes for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue during the car race and interactions between the characters is tense and reflects their risky behavior. The revelation of Eric's AIDS diagnosis adds a dramatic element to the dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, intense dialogue, and unexpected plot developments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps between different cars and characters without a clear focus.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters shouting random insults and phrases out the window without much context.
  • The revelation of Eric having AIDS feels out of place and not properly developed within the scene.
  • The scene lacks a cohesive narrative thread, making it difficult for the audience to follow and engage with the story.
  • There is a lack of tension or stakes in the scene, as the reckless driving and random shouting do not contribute to the overall plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective or conflict within the scene to drive the action forward.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more purposeful and relevant to the characters and plot.
  • Consider removing the random shouting and insults out the window to maintain a more coherent tone.
  • Revisit the revelation of Eric having AIDS and integrate it more seamlessly into the overall narrative.
  • Work on creating a sense of tension and stakes to keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.



Scene 14 -  Eric Performs at the Toy Jazz Club
INT. CELLAR - NIGHT

Eric, Zed, Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Claude, and Oliver are
all walking down some dank stone steps into a cellar.
35.


Somewhere crazy Raymond Scott Toy Jazz music is playing.

An old wine cellar has been converted into a Toy Jazz club.

Nothing fancy...dirt floors, chairs and small tables

scattered about...but the arched brick ceilings make for

great acoustics.

ON STAGE
a BAND is playing away. In the
audience sit about TWELVE FRENCH
PEOPLE, all enjoying the music.


AT THE BUFFET

In the back of the club near the doors some tables have been

set up with a buffet of local cuisine on it. Behind the

tables are two rotund but happy French women MIRELLE and


JOSEPHINE.

Eric, Zed, Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Claude, and Oliver walk

in and immediately start blabbing away in French to Mirelle

and Josephine.

Eric hands them some money.

ZED'S TABLE
Everyone enters and takes seats at
various parts of the club. Oliver
sits next to Zed.

OLIVER
So, how long have you known Eric?

ZED
Well, Eric's mother is American.

OLIVER
Yeah, and his dad's French.

ZED
They're divorced. And she and his
father had some kind of six month
split plan set up.
(MORE)
36.

ZED (CONT'D)
So every six months he would come
back to the states. We were best
friends. Eventually he and his
mother had a falling out and he
stayed here. It's been...years.

OLIVER
Well, it's good to have you here.
Eric speaks fairly highly of you.
Say, he says you're a big fan of
Viking films.

ZED
Well...I suppose. I used to be,
when I was young.

OLIVER
Oh they're the best. Helmets with
horns on them. Shit. That's
fucking genius.

He starts laughing.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
How 'bout Toy Jazz? You like it?
Zed watches the players on stage and then nods.

ZED
Yeah...I guess.

OLIVER
I love it. It's really good, you
know? Like real music. It has a
heart and culture all it's own.
It's, like, jazz for dwarves...or
guys in Leiderhosen. Total purity
of essence.

ZED
Yeah.

OLIVER
Hungry cannibals'd like it.

Then Claude comes up to them with some glasses and a bottle

of red wine.

CLAUDE
Here, you must drink some of this
wine, it's good.

He pours Zed a glass.
37.


Oliver passes on the wine.

OLIVER
(to Claude)
Non merci, c'est de la merde.

CLAUDE
(to Oliver)
La ferme. C'est du bon vin.
(to Zed)
The fucking English.

Zed sips some. He's in no real shape to tell if the wine's

good or not.

ON STAGE
Suddenly, it seems as though the
bands music gets louder. The horns
really start to scream and the room
becomes a delirium of music. The
band stands up.


IN THE AUDIENCE

The people watching start to dance, if not in their seats

then right in front of everything.

ZED'S TABLE
Suddenly, Zed notices something...

ON STAGE
Eric is up on stage playing a
trombone right alongside the band.

ZED'S TABLE
Zed blinks but it's true. Oliver
and Claude start laughing.

OLIVER
Look at him. He's crazy.

ON STAGE
And surely he must be, yet, in a
strange way, he's keeping up with
the other musicians and sounding
pretty good. Eric is all smile as
he plays with them. Sweat is
running down his face but he's
caught up in the moment.
(MORE)
38.

ON STAGE (CONT'D)
ELISE, a woman from the audience
has jumped up onto the stage,
caught up in Eric's frenzy, and is
dancing about like James Brown.
Then, the music crescendos and Eric
hands the trombone back to a
musician. The set is over. Eric
skips off the stage and walks over
to where Oliver, Claude, and Zed
are sitting.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Comedy"]

Summary Eric and his friends arrive at a lively jazz club. Eric takes the stage with the band, showcasing his trombone skills as the audience dances enthusiastically. After the performance, Eric reunites with his companions, leaving a lasting impression.
Strengths
  • Unique setting of Toy Jazz club
  • Lighthearted and quirky tone
  • Character interactions and dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, crime, and comedy, creating a dynamic and engaging atmosphere. The unique setting of the Toy Jazz club, along with the characters' interactions and Eric's trombone performance, adds depth and entertainment value to the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, set in a Toy Jazz club in a converted wine cellar, is innovative and adds a fresh perspective to the narrative. The quirky and chaotic nature of the setting enhances the character dynamics and overall tone of the scene.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it provides insight into the characters' relationships and personalities. The impromptu trombone performance by Eric adds a comedic element and showcases the characters' camaraderie.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting of a Toy Jazz club in a wine cellar, blending elements of music, culture, and friendship in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' interactions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively develops the characters' personalities and relationships through their interactions in the Toy Jazz club. Each character's unique traits and dynamics are highlighted, contributing to the overall depth of the story.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters subtly hint at potential growth and development. The shared experiences in the Toy Jazz club contribute to the characters' evolving relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with his childhood friend Eric and navigate their shared history. This reflects his deeper desire for friendship, belonging, and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to enjoy the Toy Jazz club experience and have a good time with his friends. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenges they face in maintaining their friendship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a lack of significant conflict in the scene, the tension is subtly present in the characters' interactions and dynamics. The conflict adds depth to the relationships and enhances the overall narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from differing opinions on music and cultural experiences, adding depth to the character interactions and setting the stage for future conflicts.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in the scene, focusing more on character interactions and lighthearted moments. The emphasis is on camaraderie and shared experiences rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides valuable insight into the characters' personalities and relationships. The impromptu trombone performance by Eric adds a touch of humor and spontaneity, enriching the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twist of Eric joining the band on stage and the characters' reactions to the music, adding a sense of spontaneity and excitement to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing opinions on music and cultural experiences. Oliver's enthusiasm for Toy Jazz clashes with Zed's more reserved attitude, highlighting a clash of values and perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of joy and excitement through the characters' interactions and the impromptu trombone performance. The emotional impact is heightened by the camaraderie and shared moments of laughter and music.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reflective of the characters' personalities. It captures the lighthearted and quirky tone of the setting, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, witty dialogue, and character dynamics that draw the reader into the world of the Toy Jazz club and the relationships between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character dynamics, and maintaining reader interest through a balance of dialogue, action, and description.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions, setting descriptions, and dialogue that flow smoothly and engage the reader.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as the characters seem to be engaging in random conversations without any significant development or progression.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters discussing random topics like Viking films and Toy Jazz without any meaningful connection to the overall story.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel stagnant and unengaging for the audience.
  • The transition between the previous scene and this one is abrupt and disjointed, leaving the audience confused about the sudden shift in location and tone.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could help immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere of the Toy Jazz club.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the characters and their relationships in a more meaningful way within the scene.
  • Introduce conflicts or tensions that drive the scene forward and create a sense of urgency or importance.
  • Ensure that the dialogue serves a purpose in advancing the plot or revealing character traits, rather than feeling like filler conversation.
  • Provide more visual descriptions of the setting, the characters' actions, and the atmosphere of the Toy Jazz club to enhance the immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer connection to the overall story and to contribute to the development of the central conflict or themes.



Scene 15 -  Midnight Conversations in Paris
EXT. BOULEVARD SAINT MICHEL - NIGHT

The McDonalds on the corner of Boulevard Saint Michel and Rue

Soufflot is bustling.

Eric's Citroen screeches around the corner on it's way past

the Pantheon and into the heart of the fifth Arrondissment.


INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Eric and Zed are driving through the streets of Paris in

Eric's car. The grooving Ryuichi Sakamoto song "Triste" is

playing on the radio.

ERIC
I'm glad you came. How long has it
been?

ZED
Years.

ERIC
It's amazing, you know? Here you
are. One day in America. Now here.

ZED
Well, to be honest there really
wasn't much happening for me in the
states.

ERIC
But in Paris your old friend Eric
has a job for you, so you came.
That's good.

ZED
How could I resist your invitation?
39.


ERIC
You would have been stupid to.

ZED
So what have you been doing here?

ERIC
After school I spent some time in
Algeria studying African
philosophy. And then I bummed
around. You know. For fun. For a
while I worked at Le Figaro. The
newspaper.

ZED
Really?

ERIC
Yes. With an assumed Masters
degree. And lately we have just
been bombing fascists here in
Paris. You know, like terrorists.

Zed looks over at him.

ERIC (CONT'D)
It's fun.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Eric and Zed drive through the streets of Paris at night, discussing Eric's time studying African philosophy, working at Le Figaro, and bombing fascists. Zed expresses surprise at Eric's activities and is offered a job by Eric. The tone is light-hearted and the scene ends with Zed looking over at Eric.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic setting
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Revealing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potentially controversial themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the rebellious and tense tone of the story, introduces key characters, and advances the plot with discussions of criminal activities. The fast-paced dialogue and action keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of former friends reconnecting in Paris, engaging in criminal activities, and reminiscing about past experiences is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with discussions of the upcoming bank heist and the characters' involvement in criminal activities. The scene sets up conflicts and tensions that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of friendship and personal growth, with a unique setting and cultural backdrop. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced effectively, showcasing their rebellious and nostalgic personalities. Eric's leadership and past experiences add depth to the scene, while Zed's reconnection with his old friend sets up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and discussions hint at potential growth and development for the characters as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal is to reconnect with his old friend Eric and potentially find a new purpose or direction in his life. This reflects his deeper desire for connection and meaning.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to understand Eric's offer of a job and potentially decide whether to accept it or not. This reflects the immediate challenge of making a decision about his future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including tensions between characters, discussions of criminal activities, and the high-stakes bank heist plan. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and create suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting views and potential obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the upcoming bank heist, the characters' involvement in criminal activities, and the tensions between characters raise the stakes in the scene, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, setting up conflicts, and advancing the characters' relationships and motivations. The discussions of the bank heist plan foreshadow future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting views and the potential for unexpected developments in their relationship.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on activism and terrorism. Eric's casual attitude towards 'bombing fascists' challenges Zed's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, excitement, and nostalgia. The characters' interactions and discussions add emotional depth to the story, setting up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is fast-paced, engaging, and reveals key information about the characters and their motivations. The discussions about past experiences, criminal activities, and future plans add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, character interactions, and underlying tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven sequence, with clear character motivations and development.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. While the conversation between Eric and Zed provides some background information, it doesn't drive the plot forward or reveal much about the characters' motivations.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat forced and expository, lacking in natural flow and authenticity. It comes across as a bit contrived and doesn't fully engage the audience.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' emotions, relationships, or conflicts. The scene feels superficial and doesn't create a strong connection with the audience.
  • The transition from the previous scene at the Toy Jazz club to this scene in the car is abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of continuity in tone and atmosphere.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and enhance the overall experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Focus on creating authentic interactions between the characters that reveal their personalities and relationships.
  • Introduce more conflict or tension into the scene to add depth and intrigue. Explore the characters' inner thoughts, desires, or fears to make the scene more compelling.
  • Work on improving the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smooth transition from the previous setting at the Toy Jazz club. Create a sense of continuity and flow between the different locations.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene by incorporating vivid descriptions of the surroundings, characters' expressions, and actions. Use sensory details to bring the setting to life and engage the audience on a deeper level.



Scene 16 -  Eric's Flat
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - OUTER STAIRWELL - NIGHT

Eric and Zed walk up the stairs to the fifth floor where

Eric's flat is. On the top landing there is a dead cat

laying. Zed and Eric notice the cat as Eric is opening the

door.

There is also a telephone coming out of the neighbors door.

ERIC
The people next door are on
holiday. We took their phone. If
you want to make a long distance
call, go ahead.

ZED
Is that cat dead?
40.


ERIC
I don't know. I think it's asleep
but it's been there for days.

Eric gives it a kick. No response.

ERIC (CONT'D)
I guess it is dead.

They walk into the flat.


INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Eric's flat consists of a good sized living room area with a

connected kitchen and a small bedroom in the back. In the

front of the living room there is a small balcony where the

sounds of the city pour in. The room itself is a general

mess. A bunch of guns are piled in one corner of the floor.

Hung up on the wall is a huge, French "Dressed To Kill"
poster.

Some Brazilian Gilberto/Getz music is playing.

Sitting at the table playing cards are three men: FRANCOIS,

RICARDO, and JEAN.

Sitting on the couch rolling a cigarette with hash is CLAUDE

and OLIVER.

They all turn as Zed and Eric walk in.

ERIC
Hello.

They all return the greeting.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(to Zed)
Okay. This is Francois, Ricardo,
Jean, Oliver, and Claude. Got it?

ZED
I will.
41.


ERIC
They all know who you are.
(to the rest of them)
Ne soyez pa salauds. Offrez une
biere au plus grand perceur de
coffres.

Oliver stands up and walks to the kitchen.

OLIVER
(with an English accent)
Zed, would you like a beer?

ZED
Thanks.

OLIVER
Don't think of it.

CLAUDE
(to Zed)
Come. Sit down.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Eric and Zed arrive at Eric's messy flat, noticing a dead cat on the landing and a phone at the neighbor's door. Inside, they're greeted by Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Oliver, and Claude, who are playing cards and smoking hash. Eric introduces Zed to the group, and Oliver offers him a beer.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of tone and atmosphere
  • Intriguing introduction of characters
  • Building tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the dark and intense tone of the story, introduces key characters, and hints at the criminal activities to come. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of criminals planning a heist in a chaotic environment is intriguing and sets the stage for conflict and suspense. The introduction of the characters and their interactions add depth to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot thickens as the characters discuss their criminal plans and the tension builds with the introduction of high-stakes activities. The scene moves the story forward by setting up the heist and establishing the characters' motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the dead cat and the telephone coming out of the neighbors' door, adding a sense of mystery and intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the world of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their criminal tendencies and relationships within the group. Each character brings a unique dynamic to the scene, adding layers to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters hint at potential developments and conflicts to come.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex relationships and dynamics within his social circle. He wants to maintain his status and respect among his peers while also introducing Zed to the group.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to make Zed feel welcome and comfortable in his flat, while also showcasing his connections and influence within the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, their criminal activities, and the impending heist creates a tense atmosphere in the scene. The presence of guns, drugs, and a dead cat adds to the sense of danger and unpredictability.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with underlying tensions and conflicts between the characters that create uncertainty and intrigue. The audience is left wondering how these conflicts will play out.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of planning a bank heist, engaging in criminal activities, and facing potential danger add tension and excitement to the scene. The characters' risky behavior and illegal actions raise the stakes and set the stage for a thrilling narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, setting up the heist, and establishing the characters' motivations and relationships. It builds anticipation for future events and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected elements like the dead cat and the telephone, as well as the complex dynamics between the characters. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's criminal lifestyle and his desire to protect and care for Zed. This conflict challenges his values and beliefs about loyalty and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of unease and suspense, keeping the audience on edge. The characters' interactions and the dark setting contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It sets the tone for the scene and builds tension through the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and mystery created by the dead cat and the introduction of the group of characters. The dialogue and interactions between the characters draw the reader in and keep them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of action and dialogue that keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that flow naturally.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the location and introducing the characters in a clear and engaging way.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way.
  • The introduction of the dead cat and the neighbor's phone feels random and disconnected from the rest of the script.
  • The messy living room with guns piled in one corner and a 'Dressed To Kill' poster on the wall seems cliched and doesn't add depth to the setting.
  • The dialogue between Eric and Zed is mundane and doesn't reveal anything significant about the characters or their relationship.
  • The introduction of multiple new characters without any context or development makes the scene feel cluttered and confusing.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose or to tie in more closely with the overall plot.
  • Focus on developing the relationship between Eric and Zed or revealing more about their motivations and backgrounds.
  • Integrate the setting details more organically into the scene to create a more immersive environment.
  • Streamline the introduction of new characters and provide more context or development for each one.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more engaging, revealing, or impactful in order to drive the scene forward.



Scene 17 -  The Uncle Sam Spider Monkey
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

The kitchen is an absolute pig stye. Dishes are piled up in

the sink and on the counter.

Oliver grabs a glass that has some old beer in it and empties

it. He scratches some filth off of it and pours some beer

into the glass.


INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Zed takes a seat on the couch next to Claude.

Suddenly, a SPIDER MONKEY dressed in a little Uncle Sam

costume comes screeching up onto Zed's lap and then up onto

his head, the whole time clawing at his eyes.

Eric, amused, turns from the men playing cards and smiles.

CLAUDE
(to Zed)
Easy. Don't scare him. He just
wants to claim you.
42.


Zed is frozen as the monkey climbs around him and then onto

Claude's shoulder.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
Let me introduce you properly.
This is Enrique.

The monkey screeches.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
He likes to be called Chim Chim,
but we don't always get what we
like...do we?

Again, the hideous creature screeches.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
(to Enrique)
Tais-toi!
(then to Zed)
Do you like hash?

Then Eric interrupts.

ERIC
(jokingly)
Don't sit next to that junkie.

CLAUDE
Ahhhhhh!

Claude throws a lit cigarette at him which explodes into a

mass of sparks. They laugh.

ERIC
(to Claude)
That little shit monkey of yours
pissed on my Billy Holiday albums.
Next time he's out the door.
(to Zed)
Zed, come here.

Zed gets up and goes with Eric to the bedroom. On the way

Oliver hands him the glass of beer.

OLIVER
Here you go mate.
ZED
Thanks.
43.


Oliver sits down next to Claude.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Comedy"]

Summary In a lighthearted encounter at Eric's flat, Zed finds himself amused by Claude's pet spider monkey, Enrique, dressed in an Uncle Sam costume. Despite Eric's playful annoyance at the monkey's bathroom habits, the atmosphere remains jovial. Oliver offers Zed a beer as Eric invites him to the bedroom, adding to the absurdity of the scene.
Strengths
  • Eccentric characters
  • Dark humor
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to chaotic environment

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, crime, and comedy to create a unique and engaging atmosphere. The introduction of the spider monkey and the drug use add depth to the characters and the overall tone of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of eccentric characters planning a bank heist while engaging in drug use and interacting with a spider monkey is innovative and intriguing. The scene effectively blends dark humor with criminal elements.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters preparing for a bank heist while dealing with the chaos of their environment. The introduction of the spider monkey and the drug use adds complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the spider monkey in a costume and the characters' nonchalant attitude towards chaos and destruction. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are eccentric, unpredictable, and engaging. Each character has a distinct personality that adds depth to the interactions and dynamics within the group.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the strange and unpredictable interactions with the other characters, particularly the monkey, while maintaining composure and adapting to the bizarre circumstances. This reflects the protagonist's ability to handle unexpected challenges and maintain a sense of control in chaotic situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow Eric to the bedroom, possibly to discuss something important or to engage in a different activity away from the chaos of the living room. This goal reflects the immediate need to escape the overwhelming environment and seek a moment of privacy or clarity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the chaotic environment, the characters' criminal activities, and the tension between the group members. The presence of the spider monkey adds an additional layer of conflict and unpredictability.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the monkey and the characters' conflicting personalities creating obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate these conflicts.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the characters' criminal activities, the planning of a bank heist, and the unpredictable nature of their interactions. The presence of the spider monkey adds an element of danger and unpredictability.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters' plan to rob a bank and setting up the dynamics within the group. The chaotic environment and interactions hint at the challenges and conflicts to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the monkey and the characters' unexpected reactions to the chaos. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the characters' carefree and hedonistic lifestyle, as represented by the monkey and drug references, and the underlying tension and potential consequences of their actions, as seen in Eric's threat to get rid of the monkey for ruining his albums. This conflict challenges the characters' values of indulgence and freedom against responsibility and consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including amusement, tension, and curiosity. The interactions between the characters and the chaotic environment contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is witty, humorous, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys the tension and humor present in the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and unpredictability. The interactions between the characters and the introduction of the monkey add layers to the narrative and keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the interactions and dialogue adds to the overall atmosphere of chaos and unpredictability.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression from the messy kitchen to the chaotic living room, highlighting the contrast between the environments and setting up the interactions between the characters. The formatting is consistent with the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it meanders without a central conflict or resolution.
  • The introduction of the spider monkey, while quirky, feels out of place and does not add to the overall story or character development.
  • The dialogue between Claude and Zed about the monkey and hash feels forced and does not contribute to the scene's progression.
  • The interaction between Eric and Claude, with the lit cigarette and mention of the monkey urinating on albums, comes across as random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The transition from the living room to the bedroom feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clear purpose or conflict for the scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Consider removing the spider monkey element unless it serves a specific purpose in the story.
  • Focus on meaningful dialogue that advances character development or plot points.
  • Ensure that each interaction and element in the scene contributes to the overall story arc.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between locations to maintain continuity.



Scene 18 -  Planning the Banque Internationale de Paris Heist
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Eric's bed has probably never been made. In fact, this room

looks a lot like Quentin Tarantino's old apartment. But,

there is a certain order to all this chaos. Eric pulls out a

blueprint and spreads it out over the bed.

ERIC
Don't ask me where we got this.

ZED
Okay.

ERIC
On Bastille Day, all the banks are
closed.

He places his hand on the blueprint.

ERIC (CONT'D)
But this one. BIP. The Banque
Internationale de Paris. And for
being greedy capitalists perhaps
they will remain closed next
Bastille day. Yes?

Zed smiles.

ERIC (CONT'D)
We will go in and shut the bank
down. Now, look at this.

Eric pulls out a complex electronic schematic.

ERIC (CONT'D)
As you can see, only one person can
start the alarm.
(he hands it to Zed)
The concierge, at this desk.
(he points it out on the
blueprint)
We will take care of him. Then we
can close the bank. No one will
know the difference since every
other bank will be closed.
44.


ZED
(turning the schematic
around)
Are you sure he won't push the
alarm?

ERIC
Ahhh! He's right next to the door.
We'd have to be totally incompetent
not to stop him. Don't worry about
that.

He points to the main floor vault.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Here. This is where they keep the
days reserve cash. Okay fuck that.

He flips the page to the lower level blueprint.

ERIC (CONT'D)
There are many vaults downstairs,
but this is the vault we must get
into. This is where the real prize
is.
ZED
What kind of vault is that?

He checks the blueprint.

ERIC
Ah...Swiss made. A Caliber.

ZED
Caliber?
(he thinks about it)
It'll take three hours.

ERIC
No, that's too long.

ZED
That's how long it'll take.

ERIC
Well shit. It's too long. We have
to be in and out.
(he snaps his fingers)
Like that. Or there will be
suspicion. A little time is
okay...but too long and...

He shrugs his shoulders in an "I don't know gesture."
45.


ZED
Well hold on a second.
(pointing to the
blueprint)
What's this?

Eric looks down at the blueprint. There is a small passage

connecting the main vault to an adjacent vault.

ERIC
Another vault.

ZED
No this.

Eric looks closely at the blueprint.

ERIC
I don't know...it connects the two
vaults.

ZED
Well, what kind of vault is this
other one?

ERIC
(reading the blueprint)
Also Swiss, but this one is a
Poseidon.

ZED
Why would those two vaults be
connected?

ERIC
I don't know.

ZED
Because I can get into this vault
in half an hour. Maybe less.

ERIC
But this entry way is too small to
get the platen out. We have a lot
of merchandise in there.

ZED
No, don't you see? We get in
through this secondary vault and
take this passage to the other main
vault. From the inside I could
open the Caliber vault in five
minutes.
46.


ERIC
You could open it in five minutes?

ZED
From the inside it's easy.

ERIC
(excited)
Hot damn. That is our answer.

ZED
Okay. When is Bastille day?

ERIC
Tomorrow.

ZED
Tomorrow!? We're doing this
tomorrow?

ERIC
But of course.

ZED
It's impossible.

ERIC
It's not impossible. Everyone
knows what to do.

ZED
I don't know what to do.

ERIC
You don't need to know shit. Just
get into the vault and we'll do the
rest.

ZED
I haven't even seen the bank.

ERIC
Fuck the bank. Before we do a job
we live life. It's better that
way. Okay?

ZED
(unsure)
Okay.

ERIC
Good. Now we do heroin!

CUT TO:
47.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In Eric's cluttered bedroom, amidst blueprints and schematics, Eric and Zed meticulously plan a audacious heist targeting the Banque Internationale de Paris on Bastille Day. Eric, with unwavering confidence, lays out the intricate strategy to breach the main vault through a secondary vault, while Zed expresses his concerns about the ambitious timeline. Amidst the tension and suspense, the duo delves into a heated debate over the practicality of the heist, ultimately resolving to proceed with the daring plan.
Strengths
  • Detailed planning of the heist
  • Intense and suspenseful tone
  • Eccentric and intriguing characters
Weaknesses
  • Potential glorification of criminal behavior
  • Lack of emotional depth in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up the main conflict of the story effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of planning a bank heist on Bastille Day adds tension and excitement to the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the detailed planning of the heist and the introduction of heroin as a key element.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a heist planning session, with unique twists and turns in the characters' dialogue and actions. The authenticity of the characters' motivations and interactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and add depth to the scene, especially with their eccentricities and criminal activities.

Character Changes: 7

Zed shows a willingness to participate in criminal activities and takes a significant step towards a life of crime.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal in this scene is to successfully plan and execute the heist, showcasing his intelligence and strategic thinking. This reflects his desire for excitement and risk-taking.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to rob the Banque Internationale de Paris and get away with the money. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the risks involved in the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high due to the risky nature of the heist plan and the tension among the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints between Eric and Zed about the heist plan. Zed's doubts and uncertainties create obstacles for Eric, adding to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters plan a risky bank heist that could have serious consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the heist plan and setting up the main conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' planning and the revelation of new information about the heist. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the heist will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing approaches to the heist. Eric is confident and daring, while Zed is more cautious and unsure. This challenges their beliefs about risk-taking and planning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes tension and danger, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to convey important information about the heist plan and the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' planning and the risks involved in the heist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with quick dialogue exchanges and action descriptions. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and excitement, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist planning sequence, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks tension and urgency considering the high stakes of planning a bank heist.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too casual and lacks the intensity needed for a scene involving criminal activity.
  • There is a lack of visual elements to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • The character interactions could be more dynamic and engaging to keep the audience invested in the unfolding plot.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build suspense and maintain the audience's interest.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict and tension between Eric and Zed to heighten the stakes of the bank heist.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more focused and impactful, reflecting the seriousness of the situation.
  • Include visual cues to enhance the setting and create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • Develop the character interactions to be more compelling and dynamic, showcasing the complexities of their relationships.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to build suspense and maintain the audience's engagement throughout.



Scene 19 -  Heroin Preparation in Eric's Bathroom
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

EXTREME CLOSE ON: Eric making heroin.

The heroin powder is put into a spoon with some lemon

squeezed into it, then a little bit of tap water. Huddled

around Eric are Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver.

OLIVER
(so high he's wobbling)
You have to look at the Starship
Enterprise as a metaphor for the
human brain.

No one is really listening to Oliver. Eric takes out a

lighter and cooks it to a boil.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
(continuing)
Spock is the right hemisphere of
the brain, all logic and intellect.
Mc Coy is the left hemisphere,
stricktly emotional. And Kirk is
the unseen observer. He drifts
between the two. Back and forth,
as it might be, caught between the
two thought processes.

ERIC
[Cotton.]

Ricardo hands him a cotton ball.

OLIVER
(continuing)
It's really quite brilliant you
know. That's why Star Trek is and
always will be a hit show.

Eric places the cotton ball in the spoon with the mixture.

ERIC
(to Oliver)
[Here, shut up and hold this.]

He hands Oliver the spoon and takes out a needle. Using the

cotton as a filter he draws the heroin into the syringe.
Then, he holds the syringe up and starts tapping it.
48.


ERIC (CONT'D)
[Don't want to get air bubbles in
my veins.]

They all laugh at this.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Eric is shown making heroin in his bathroom with the help of his friends, Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver. Oliver, who is high, starts talking about Star Trek as a metaphor for the human brain. Eric prepares the heroin, filters it with a cotton ball, and fills a syringe while joking with his friends. The interactions are casual, drug-fueled, and somewhat humorous. The scene ends with Eric tapping the syringe to avoid air bubbles and everyone laughing.
Strengths
  • Dark atmosphere
  • Intense tone
  • Engaging characters
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential glorification of drug use and criminal behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a dark and intense tone, with a focus on drug use and criminal activities. The surreal elements add depth to the atmosphere, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of drug preparation and criminal planning is well-executed, creating a sense of danger and intrigue. The inclusion of unique elements like Oliver's Star Trek metaphor adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around drug preparation and criminal planning, setting the stage for future events. The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the heist plotline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring drug addiction and the characters' rationalization of their behavior. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are engaging and complex, each contributing to the dark and intense atmosphere of the scene. Their interactions and dynamics add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters hint at potential development in future events. The scene sets the stage for character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely to satisfy his addiction and escape reality. This reflects his deeper need for relief from pain or emotional turmoil.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare and inject heroin. This reflects the immediate circumstances of drug use and addiction he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, their criminal activities, and the tension surrounding drug use creates a high level of conflict in the scene. The stakes are raised as the characters prepare for the heist.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face the internal conflict of rationalizing their drug use and the external challenge of preparing and injecting heroin.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of drug use, criminal planning, and the upcoming heist add tension and excitement to the scene. The characters are risking everything for their criminal activities, raising the stakes for the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the heist plotline and showcasing the characters' preparations. It sets the stage for future events and builds anticipation for the upcoming criminal activities.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions and dialogue reveal unexpected insights into their rationalization of drug use and addiction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the characters' justification or rationalization of drug use as a coping mechanism. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the consequences of addiction and self-destruction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and excitement to unease and intrigue. The dark and intense atmosphere contributes to the emotional impact of the drug preparation and criminal planning.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, reflecting the tense and surreal nature of the scene. Oliver's ramblings about Star Trek provide a unique contrast to the dark themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the dark world of drug addiction, creating tension and suspense as the characters prepare to inject heroin.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters prepare to inject heroin, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the dark atmosphere of drug addiction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a gritty drama genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the progression of drug preparation and injection, following the expected format for a gritty drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and substance, focusing solely on the process of making heroin without adding any meaningful dialogue or character development.
  • Oliver's rambling about Star Trek as a metaphor for the human brain feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The humor around not wanting air bubbles in veins detracts from the seriousness of the drug use depicted.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the characters' motivations or emotions surrounding drug use, leading to a shallow portrayal of substance abuse.
Suggestions
  • Add more depth to the scene by incorporating meaningful dialogue or character interactions that reveal insights into the characters' motivations or emotions.
  • Consider exploring the consequences of drug use or the characters' struggles with addiction to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Introduce tension or conflict to make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
  • Avoid using humor that trivializes serious subjects like drug use, and instead approach the topic with sensitivity and realism.
  • Focus on character development and emotional depth to create a more impactful and meaningful scene.



Scene 20 -  Temptation in the Living Room
INT. ERIC'S FLAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

In the meantime, Zed is sitting on the couch with Claude and

Jean. Claude is rolling a hash and tobacco cigarette. Jean

is chopping up some powder heroin on the glass of a small

picture.

JEAN
Do you want heroin?

ZED
No, I want to be sharp for
tomorrow.

Jean and Claude laugh at this.
JEAN
No. A little bit of heroin, some
hash, a beer...and you're just
right.

Jean snorts a line.

Claude offers Zed the spliff. Zed shakes his head "no".

CLAUDE
Okay.

JEAN
(recovering from the
snort)
That's good.

Eric, Francois, Ricardo, and Oliver come out of the kitchen

laughing.

Eric, Ricardo, and Oliver take a seat on the couch opposite

Zed. Francois sits on the floor.
Eric rolls up his sleeve.
49.


ERIC
(to Ricardo in French)
[Hold my arm.]
(then to Zed)
My vein is like a rock.

Ricardo takes hold of his arm and squeezes. Eric inserts the

needle into his vein and draws out a little blood. It mixes

with the heroin, then he pumps it in...then back into the

syringe, then all the way back in.

He withdraws the needle.

Ricardo lets go of his arm.

Eric is in bliss. His eyes roll back into his head. He

looks like he's on the verge of falling asleep.

Then Jean takes another snort.

Pretty soon everyone is smoking and getting high, shooting

up, and drinking more beer.

Then Jean holds out a piece of folded aluminum foil with some

heroin in it.

JEAN
(to Zed)
Try some. It's called chasing the
dragon. The Chinese have been
doing it for centuries.

ZED
I don't think so.

JEAN
Oh, but you must. It will make you
feel as though the rest of the
world is in a bubble of glass and
that you're rubbing up against it
like a bad windshield wiper.

They stick the aluminum foil with the heroin in it up next to

his face. They then light the bottom of the foil with a

lighter. Before Zed knows it, he's inhaling a silky ribbon
50.


of smoke.

Suddenly our plane of focus wildly shifts and we...

FOCUS DISSOLVE
TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Eric, Ricardo, Francois, and Oliver join Zed, Claude, and Jean in Eric's flat living room at night. Jean offers Zed heroin, but he declines. Despite Zed's refusal, they pressure him to smoke heroin by inhaling a ribbon of smoke from heated aluminum foil. Zed faces internal conflict as he resists the temptation, while the others indulge in drug use. The scene ends with the conflict between Zed's resistance and the group's pressure remaining unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential glorification of drug use
  • Lack of character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a dark and intense tone, immersing the audience in the characters' dangerous world. The introduction of drug use and criminal activities adds depth to the storyline and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of drug use and criminal activities is central to the scene, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The introduction of 'chasing the dragon' adds a unique and intriguing element to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters discuss their plans for a bank heist and engage in drug use, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments. The scene adds depth to the storyline and builds tension.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on drug addiction and peer pressure, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities shine through their interactions, showcasing their reckless and dangerous nature. Each character contributes to the scene's intensity and adds layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and behaviors, the scene primarily focuses on their existing traits and motivations. The introduction of drug use and criminal activities hints at potential character developments in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal is to resist the temptation of drugs and stay sharp for the next day. This reflects his desire to maintain control and avoid succumbing to the destructive lifestyle of his friends.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is not clearly defined in this scene, but it seems to be to resist peer pressure and maintain his sobriety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' risky behavior, drug use, and criminal activities. Tensions run high as they discuss their plans for a bank heist, setting the stage for potential conflicts and challenges.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing peer pressure and temptation from his friends.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters engage in risky behavior, drug use, and criminal activities. The discussion of a bank heist adds a sense of danger and urgency to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, such as the characters' plans for a bank heist and their risky behavior. It sets the stage for future conflicts and developments, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its depiction of drug use and peer pressure, but the internal conflict faced by the protagonist adds an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between indulgence and self-control. The characters represent hedonism and addiction, while Zed represents discipline and restraint.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and danger to intrigue and curiosity. The characters' risky behavior and drug use add depth to the narrative, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is gritty and realistic, reflecting the characters' lifestyles and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall tone of the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, realistic dialogue, and the internal conflict faced by the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and conveys the escalating drug use among the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a scene set in a living room, with clear descriptions of character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the escalating tension and conflict among the characters.


Critique
  • The scene portrays drug use in a casual and almost celebratory manner, which may glamorize or normalize substance abuse.
  • The dialogue around heroin use is somewhat unrealistic and lacks depth or nuance in exploring the consequences or impact of drug addiction.
  • The scene lacks a clear narrative purpose or character development, as it primarily focuses on drug use without advancing the plot or revealing new insights about the characters.
  • The transition at the end with a focus dissolve feels abrupt and disjointed, disrupting the flow of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more meaningful interactions or conflicts between the characters to add depth and tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the portrayal of drug use to reflect the potential dangers and consequences more realistically.
  • Add more depth to the dialogue surrounding heroin use, exploring the characters' motivations, fears, or struggles with addiction.
  • Integrate the drug use into the larger narrative arc of the screenplay to ensure it serves a purpose in character development or plot progression.
  • Smooth out the transition at the end to create a more cohesive flow between scenes.
  • Introduce conflicts or tensions within the group of characters to add layers to the scene and drive the story forward.



Scene 21 -  Whirlwind Tour of Paris
INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Ricardo is racing Eric's car through the streets of Paris

weaving in and out of traffic. Next to him is Oliver, and in

the back seat is Zed and Eric. They're giving the very

stoned Zed a whirlwind tour of the sights.

A car speeds up next to them. In it is Francois, and Claude,

with Jean driving. They are racing with Ricardo through the

streets.

The Patrick Hernandez song "Born To Be Alive" is blasting

away on the radio.

ERIC
There. That's Notre Dame.

But before Zed can even look it has past by.

RICARDO
Do you like French cars?

All Zed can notice is that the speedometer is at 160

kilometers per hour. He tries to calculate what that is in

miles per hour.

ZED
(answering Enrique's
question)
Yes.

RICARDO
I like the Cadillac. Fifty-two to
seventy-five. Very nice.

ERIC
Up here you can see the Eiffel
tower.
51.


Zed is in too much of a blur. He leans over to Eric.

ZED
Is tomorrow really Bastille day?

ERIC
Yes, tomorrow we pull the biggest
job in French history. And spend
the rest of our lives in Monte
Carlo.

The drunken Englishman, Oliver, belches and then cheers.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In the heart of Paris, Ricardo navigates Eric's car through the bustling streets, offering a dizzying tour to a stoned Zed, a jovial Oliver, and Eric himself. As they race alongside another car driven by Francois, Claude, and Jean, they zoom past iconic landmarks such as Notre Dame and the Eiffel Tower. Amidst the exhilaration, Zed inquires about Bastille Day, and Eric confirms that it will mark the day of their audacious heist, paving the way for a life of luxury in Monte Carlo.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Dynamic characters
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for drug glorification
  • Lack of female characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, fast-paced, and sets up the upcoming heist plotline effectively. The mix of genres and tones keeps the audience entertained and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of friends planning a bank heist while engaging in reckless behavior and high-speed car races in Paris is unique and captivating. The scene effectively introduces the main characters and sets up the central conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the group's plan to rob a bank on Bastille Day and retire to Monte Carlo. The scene moves the story forward by establishing the characters' motivations and setting up the heist.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by incorporating elements of high-speed racing and comedic interactions among the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the characters' actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and each has a distinct personality. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their relationships and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Zed experiences a shift in perspective as he is introduced to the group's criminal activities and the plan to rob a bank. His decision to try heroin also indicates a change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and focus despite the high-speed race and the stoned Zed in the backseat. This reflects Ricardo's need for control and his ability to handle intense situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete the race through the streets of Paris and prepare for the upcoming heist on Bastille Day. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges the characters are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between the group of friends and a rival gang, as well as the internal conflict of whether Zed will participate in the heist. The high-speed car race adds to the tension and excitement.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the high-speed race and the looming heist, creates a sense of challenge and uncertainty for the characters. The audience is left wondering how they will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the group plans a daring bank heist and faces competition from a rival gang. The fast-paced car race and risky behavior increase the tension and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the group's plan to rob the bank and setting up the heist. It introduces key plot points and builds anticipation for the upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters, the fast-paced race through Paris, and the looming heist on Bastille Day. The audience is kept on their toes wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' criminal activities and their desire for a lavish lifestyle in Monte Carlo. This challenges their beliefs about risk-taking and the pursuit of wealth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including excitement, amusement, and intrigue. The characters' interactions and risky behavior create a sense of adrenaline and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities. It drives the scene forward and adds to the overall tone of excitement and recklessness.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-energy action, witty dialogue, and the sense of impending danger and excitement. The audience is drawn into the characters' world and the thrill of the race.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character interactions that maintain the momentum and tension. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the characters, their goals, and the impending heist. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the characters are planning a major heist the next day. The focus on sightseeing and casual conversation detracts from the gravity of the situation.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat disconnected from the impending heist, with the characters discussing French cars and landmarks instead of focusing on the task at hand.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and anticipation for the upcoming heist, as the scene feels more like a leisurely drive through Paris rather than a crucial moment in the story.
  • The use of the song 'Born To Be Alive' may not effectively enhance the scene or contribute to the overall tone and mood.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension and urgency to the scene by incorporating dialogue or actions related to the heist planning.
  • Focus on building anticipation for the upcoming heist by creating a sense of foreboding or excitement among the characters.
  • Ensure a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to maintain continuity and coherence in the storytelling.
  • Explore ways to tie the sightseeing elements into the larger narrative, perhaps by using landmarks as points of reference for the heist plan.
  • Reevaluate the use of music in the scene to ensure it complements the tone and enhances the overall atmosphere of the story.



Scene 22 -  Parisian Car Chase
EXT. PARIS STREET - NIGHT

The two cars are franticly racing through traffic.


INT. JEAN'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Jean is very intent on beating them to whatever location it

is they're going to.

Claude, in the seat next to him, gives him some advice.

CLAUDE
[Faster, faster...go faster. Let's
beat them!]

Francois laughs and coughs out a cloud of smoke.


EXT. PARIS STREET - NIGHT

Jean's car makes a dangerous lane change across traffic and

cuts off Ricardo.


INT. ERIC'S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT

Ricardo swerves as he passes a joint to Eric.

RICARDO
[Shit! That bastard.]

ERIC
(to Ricardo)
Watch it! Don't crash my car.

Eric takes a big hit.
52.


ERIC (CONT'D)
Over here is where the male
prostitutes sell themselves. Do
you see?

No, Zed doesn't see.

Suddenly, everyone in the car is shouting out the windows.

OLIVER
(out the window)
Fucking fags!

ERIC
(also out the window)
Suce ma bite?!

RICARDO
Perverts d'homosexuels!

Eric laughs.

ERIC
(into Zed's ear)
This is good to have you here. We
could not do this without you.
Zed nods.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Everyone has agreed to give you
double shares. That's good.

Zed nods, delirious.

ERIC (CONT'D)
You know I have AIDS. From the
needle.

Zed can't believe this. He's not sure if what he heard was

what he thought he heard.

ZED
Really?

Then Eric sees something.

ERIC
Okay, up here is the Arc de
Triomphe.
53.


They take a sharp turn.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jean and Claude race against Ricardo and Eric in a high-stakes car chase through Paris. While Claude urges Jean to speed up, Eric's car engages in aggressive behavior, including shouting insults and revealing Eric's HIV-positive status. Despite the hostility, the scene ends with Eric's car taking a sharp turn around the iconic Arc de Triomphe.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Reckless action
  • Unexpected revelations
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and subplots

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, excitement, and unexpected revelations. The fast-paced action and character interactions keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed car race intertwined with drug use and personal revelations adds depth and complexity to the scene. The juxtaposition of intense action with emotional moments creates a compelling narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters discuss their upcoming heist and reveal personal details, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments. The car race adds a thrilling element to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, exploring themes of rebellion and moral ambiguity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. Eric's revelation about his AIDS diagnosis adds depth to his character, while Zed's delirious state highlights his vulnerability.

Character Changes: 7

Eric's revelation about his AIDS diagnosis marks a significant change in his character, adding depth and complexity to his persona. Zed's delirious state also hints at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jean's internal goal in this scene is to prove his dominance and skill in the illegal racing world. This reflects his need for validation and recognition of his abilities.

External Goal: 9

Jean's external goal is to win the race and assert his superiority over his rivals. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, their risky behavior, and the impending heist creates tension and suspense in the scene. The car race intensifies the conflict and sets the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that add tension and conflict to the narrative. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' fates and choices.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the impending heist, the characters' risky behavior, and Eric's revelation about his AIDS diagnosis raise the tension and suspense in the scene. The car race adds an element of danger and excitement.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the heist, revealing important character details, and escalating the conflict between the characters. The car race adds a thrilling element and propels the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' reckless behavior and the unexpected twists in the race. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' disregard for societal norms and values, as they engage in illegal activities and display homophobic behavior. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as he navigates a world that goes against conventional morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement and tension to shock and surprise. Eric's revelation about his AIDS diagnosis adds a poignant and emotional element to the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. The banter between the characters adds depth to their interactions and drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and morally complex characters. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome of the race and the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, mirroring the urgency and danger of the characters' actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is effective in conveying the chaotic and intense nature of the car chase and illegal activities. It enhances the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a fast-paced and action-packed structure, fitting the genre of a thriller or crime drama. The formatting enhances the tension and urgency of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as the frantic car race through traffic seems disconnected from the previous scenes involving the heist planning and drug use.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters, particularly the shouting insults at male prostitutes and the revelation of Eric having AIDS, feel forced and out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The transition from discussing the heist plans and drug use to suddenly focusing on the car race and random shouting out the windows is jarring and disrupts the flow of the screenplay.
  • The character interactions and dynamics are not well-developed in this scene, making it difficult for the audience to connect with or understand the motivations of the characters.
  • The scene lacks tension, suspense, or any meaningful conflict, which is essential for engaging the audience and driving the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to better align with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay, focusing on building tension and conflict that advances the plot.
  • Develop the character interactions and dialogue to be more organic and meaningful, avoiding forced or unnatural moments that detract from the story.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between scenes to maintain coherence and continuity in the narrative flow.
  • Integrate the car race sequence into the larger story arc in a way that enhances the plot and character development.
  • Explore ways to add depth and complexity to the characters during the car race scene, providing insights into their personalities and motivations.



Scene 23 -  Jazz Night Out
INT. CELLAR - NIGHT

Eric, Zed, Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Claude, and Oliver are

all walking down some dank stone steps into a cellar.

Somewhere crazy Raymond Scott Toy Jazz music is playing.

An old wine cellar has been converted into a Toy Jazz club.

Nothing fancy...dirt floors, chairs and small tables

scattered about...but the arched brick ceilings make for

great acoustics.

ON STAGE
a BAND is playing away. In the
audience sit about TWELVE FRENCH
PEOPLE, all enjoying the music.


AT THE BUFFET

In the back of the club near the doors some tables have been

set up with a buffet of local cuisine on it. Behind the

tables are two rotund but happy French women MIRELLE and


JOSEPHINE.

Eric, Zed, Francois, Ricardo, Jean, Claude, and Oliver walk

in and immediately start blabbing away in French to Mirelle

and Josephine.

Eric hands them some money.

ZED'S TABLE
Everyone enters and takes seats at
various parts of the club. Oliver
sits next to Zed.

OLIVER
So, how long have you known Eric?
54.


ZED
Well, Eric's mother is American.

OLIVER
Yeah, and his dad's French.

ZED
They're divorced. And she and his
father had some kind of six month
split plan set up. So every six
months he would come back to the
states. We were best friends.
Eventually he and his mother had a
falling out and he stayed here.
It's been...years.

OLIVER
Well, it's good to have you here.
Eric speaks fairly highly of you.
Say, he says you're a big fan of
Viking films.

ZED
Well...I suppose. I used to be,
when I was young.

OLIVER
Oh they're the best. Helmets with
horns on them. Shit. That's
fucking genius.

He starts laughing.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
How 'bout Toy Jazz? You like it?

Zed watches the players on stage and then nods.

ZED
Yeah...I guess.

OLIVER
I love it. It's really good, you
know? Like real music. It has a
heart and culture all it's own.
It's, like, jazz for dwarves...or
guys in Leiderhosen. Total purity
of essence.

ZED
Yeah.
OLIVER
Hungry cannibals'd like it.
55.


Then Claude comes up to them with some glasses and a bottle

of red wine.

CLAUDE
Here, you must drink some of this
wine, it's good.

He pours Zed a glass.

Oliver passes on the wine.

OLIVER
(to Claude)
Non merci, c'est de la merde.

CLAUDE
(to Oliver)
La ferme. C'est du bon vin.
(to Zed)
The fucking English.

Zed sips some. He's in no real shape to tell if the wine's

good or not.

ON STAGE
Suddenly, it seems as though the
bands music gets louder. The horns
really start to scream and the room
becomes a delirium of music. The
band stands up.


IN THE AUDIENCE

The people watching start to dance, if not in their seats

then right in front of everything.

ZED'S TABLE
Suddenly, Zed notices something...

ON STAGE
Eric is up on stage playing a
trombone right alongside the band.

ZED'S TABLE
Zed blinks but it's true. Oliver
and Claude start laughing.

OLIVER
Look at him. He's crazy.
56.


ON STAGE
And surely he must be, yet, in a
strange way, he's keeping up with
the other musicians and sounding
pretty good. Eric is all smile as
he plays with them. Sweat is
running down his face but he's
caught up in the moment. ELISE, a
woman from the audience has jumped
up onto the stage, caught up in
Eric's frenzy, and is dancing about
like James Brown. Then, the music
crescendos and Eric hands the
trombone back to a musician. The
set is over. Eric skips off the
stage and walks over to where
Oliver, Claude, and Zed are
sitting.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Comedy"]

Summary Friends gather at a Toy Jazz club in a converted French wine cellar. Amidst lively music and dancing, Eric takes the stage and showcases his exceptional trombone skills. The audience joins in the festivities, creating a vibrant and joyful atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Unique setting of Toy Jazz club
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Witty dialogue
  • Surprising character talents
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on main plot advancement
  • Low stakes in the immediate context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, crime, and comedy with a unique setting and engaging character interactions. The musical aspect adds depth and entertainment value to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a Toy Jazz club in a converted wine cellar provides a fresh and interesting backdrop for the characters to interact in. The scene effectively blends elements of music, camaraderie, and criminal activities, creating a multi-dimensional and engaging narrative.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not directly advance the main plot of the heist, it adds depth to the characters and showcases their relationships and dynamics. The setting and interactions contribute to the overall tone and atmosphere of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting of a Toy Jazz club in a wine cellar, blending elements of music, culture, and friendship. The dialogue and interactions between characters feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene allows for character development and showcases the personalities of Eric, Zed, and the other characters. Their interactions, dialogue, and actions reveal more about their motivations, relationships, and quirks.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it does provide insights into the personalities and dynamics of the characters. The interactions and dialogue reveal more about their motivations and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Eric and his friends, as well as to enjoy the music and atmosphere of the club. This reflects his desire for friendship and cultural experiences.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to socialize and enjoy the music at the Toy Jazz club. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene, where Zed is interacting with Eric and his friends.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is some tension and conflict hinted at in the background of the characters' criminal activities, the scene itself focuses more on camaraderie, music, and light-hearted interactions. The conflict is not the central focus of this particular scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with minor conflicts between characters that add tension but do not overshadow the overall atmosphere of the club.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions, music, and camaraderie. While the characters are involved in criminal activities, the immediate danger or tension is not the central focus here.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not directly move the main heist plot forward, but it adds depth to the characters and sets the tone for future developments. It establishes relationships, dynamics, and themes that may impact the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twist of Eric joining the band on stage, adding a dynamic element to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Oliver's enthusiasm for Toy Jazz and Zed's more reserved attitude towards it. This conflict challenges Zed's perspective on music and cultural experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of joy, nostalgia, and playfulness through the characters' interactions, the music, and the unique setting of the Toy Jazz club. It creates an emotional connection with the audience and adds depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It adds humor, depth, and authenticity to the interactions, enhancing the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the lively setting, dynamic interactions between characters, and the introduction of unexpected elements like Eric joining the band on stage.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and descriptive elements to create a lively and engaging atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings, character interactions, and dialogue that flow smoothly.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the characters engaging in casual conversation without much depth or conflict.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters discussing random topics like Viking films and Toy Jazz without much relevance to the overall story.
  • The transition from the band playing on stage to Eric joining them feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow.
  • There is a lack of tension or stakes in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and meaningful interactions to drive the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear objective or conflict for the characters to engage with, adding depth and tension to the scene.
  • Focus on meaningful dialogue that advances the plot or reveals important character traits, avoiding unnecessary tangents.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different elements of the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider raising the stakes or introducing obstacles to create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.
  • Work on developing the characters further and exploring their relationships to add depth and complexity to the scene.



Scene 24 -  Bank Heist Takes Control
EXT. BANK - DAY

EXTREME CLOSE ON: The door to the bank.

Francois puts a sign on the door that reads: [Closed for

Bastille Day].

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - SUB LOBBY HALL - DAY

The sub lobby teller and the sub lobby guard #2 rendezvous

with the sub lobby assistant.

SUB LOBBY TELLER
(to assistant)
[Do the phones work?]

SUB LOBBY ASSISTANT
[They went dead.]

SUB LOBBY TELLER
Merde!

They walk out into the sub lobby.


INT. BANK - SUB LOBBY - DAY

The sub level teller and the sub lobby assistant walk into
57.


the sub lobby just as Eric, Zed, Oliver, and the bank manager

start coming down the stairs.

At the sight of Eric and his men the sub lobby guard #2 aims

his weapon but does not fire because of the bank manager.

Eric presses his Uzi against the bank manager's neck.

ERIC
(to the guard)
[Drop the gun!]

He doesn't.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Drop your gun now and nobody
dies!]

After a moments thought about this, and the fact that Oliver

has a sawed-off aimed at him, he slowly puts his gun on the

floor.
ERIC (CONT'D)
[Good boy.]

They descend down the stairs into the sub lobby.

Oliver takes his gun.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Francois, Ricardo, and Jean have finished herding everyone

behind the teller windows. Claude is on his way downstairs.

CLAUDE
[I'm going to check things out
downstairs.]

RICARDO
(to the people)
[Now! On the ground! Face down!]

Then, for effect, he kicks a man.
CUT TO:
58.


INT. BANK - SUB LOBBY - DAY

Claude comes downstairs with his gun raised.

CLAUDE
[All clear down here?]

Everyone turns.

ERIC
[Take these two upstairs. And
chain the gate to the sub lobby
shut.]

Oliver pushes the sub lobby guard #2 and the sub lobby

assistant toward Claude. Then he hands him a chain.

Claude can barely maintain his enthusiasm.

CLAUDE
[The phones and video are down!
We're locked up tight!]
(then in English)
We fucking did it!

He takes the two upstairs.

Eric smiles through his teeth at the bank manager.

ERIC
[Any others I should worry about?]

BANK MANAGER
[No.]

ERIC
(to Oliver)
[Well, just to be sure--]

Then, from one of the safety deposit booths a sound is heard.

All eyes turn to it.

Oliver walks up to it and kicks the door in. The stodgy

customer is kneeling in it. He instantly holds his hands

high.

OLIVER
[Freeze motherfucker!]

Eric walks up, gun in hand.
59.


ERIC
[Who the fuck are you?]

STODGY CUSTOMER
[Please don't shoot me!]

OLIVER
[On the ground!]

He does.

ERIC
(to the bank manager)
[Making a deposit I hope.]
(he smiles to Oliver)
[Bring him with us.]

They all make their way down through the sub lobby hall.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary As the bank closes for Bastille Day, a group of robbers led by Eric and Oliver storm inside, taking hostages and subduing the staff. They disable the phones and video surveillance, and after questioning the bank manager, they discover a customer hiding in a safety deposit booth. The hostages are herded together as the robbers prepare to move to the sub lobby hall, with the situation under their control.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character depth for some minor characters
  • Some cliched elements in the heist setup

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and drives the plot forward significantly. The high stakes and intense atmosphere make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a bank heist orchestrated by a group of complex characters is executed well in this scene. The planning, execution, and aftermath of the heist are all portrayed effectively.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as the characters carry out the bank robbery. The tension, conflict, and high stakes drive the narrative forward in a compelling way.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar bank robbery scenario but adds a unique twist with the cultural elements and character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their actions and dialogue. Each character has a distinct role to play in the heist, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes during the scene, particularly in their attitudes towards the heist and their relationships with each other. The events of the robbery have a significant impact on their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control of the situation and ensure the safety of the bank employees and customers.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the robbery and secure the bank's valuables.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges during the heist. The tension between the robbers and the bank employees adds to the suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and conflicting loyalties.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters risking their lives to carry out the bank robbery. The outcome of the heist will have far-reaching consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by showcasing the execution of the bank heist and its aftermath. The consequences of the characters' actions set the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the morality of committing a crime and the characters' desire for wealth and power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, anxiety, and excitement. The high stakes and intense atmosphere contribute to the emotional impact of the heist.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and realistic, adding to the overall tension of the scene. The interactions between the characters reveal their motivations and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the high stakes, fast-paced action, and intense dialogue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow for readers and production teams.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a heist or robbery genre, with escalating tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering it is a pivotal moment in the heist.
  • The dialogue feels a bit generic and could benefit from more specific and impactful lines to enhance the drama.
  • The actions of the characters could be more dynamic and engaging to heighten the suspense of the situation.
  • There is a lack of visual description and detail to create a vivid picture of the scene in the reader's mind.
  • The conflict between the robbers and the bank staff could be more intense and dramatic to keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspenseful elements such as a countdown clock ticking, or characters whispering urgent instructions to each other.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more specific threats and demands from the robbers to create a sense of danger.
  • Introduce unexpected twists or obstacles that the characters must overcome to add complexity to the scene.
  • Include vivid descriptions of the setting, characters' emotions, and actions to immerse the reader in the tension of the heist.
  • Consider ramping up the conflict between the robbers and the bank staff to create a more gripping and high-stakes scenario.



Scene 25 -  Vault Standoff
INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

They're herding the men through the hall.

BANK MANAGER
(to the sub lobby teller)
[Vault locked?]

SUB LOBBY TELLER
[Yes.]

ERIC
[Shut your fucking mouths!]

BANK MANAGER
(to Eric)
[The vault doors are shut and time
locked. You won't be able to open
them.]

They walk through a doorway into the storage/elevator area.


INT. BANK - STORAGE/ELEVATOR AREA - DAY

Eric pushes the manager and the others through the doorway.

ERIC
(to the bank manager)
[You think we're fucking amateurs?
You think we're stupid? I've got
news for you...we planned ahead my
friend!]
60.


Eric pushes them infront of the Calibre vault door.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Now save us a lot of time and just
open the vault.]

BANK MANAGER
[No.]

ERIC
[Okay.]

He releases the bank manager and stuffs the barrel of his

handgun into the sub level tellers mouth.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Open the vault.]

The teller's eyes widen.

BANK MANAGER
[I cannot.]

ERIC
[Oh.]
(to the teller)
[Can you?]

BANK MANAGER
[No. Once closed only I can open
it.]

ERIC
[Then open it.]

BANK MANAGER
[I cannot.]

The sub lobby teller's eyes plead with the bank manager.

Zed is watching the whole affair nervously.

ERIC
[Do you understand that I'll kill
her if you don't open this fucking
vault?]

BANK MANAGER
[Do you understand that this is an
international reserve bank?
Robbing it is punishable by life
imprisonment.]
61.


Eric fires. The back of the sub lobby teller's head paints

the wall red.

ZED
Jesus fucking Christ!

The bank manager, shocked as he is, looks at Zed. He knows

he's an American.

The sub lobby teller's body slumps to the ground.

Eric grabs the stodgy customer and puts the gun to his

temple.

ERIC
[Open the vault door or I'll kill
this man next.]

The bank manager is freaking out, but after what was probably

the most horribly agonizing internal debate, he holds his

ground.

BANK MANAGER
[I still cannot open the vault.]

ERIC
[Come on. It's only things in
there. This man is flesh and
blood.]

BANK MANAGER
[I will not open the vault.]

ZED
Eric no! I can open the vault!

ERIC
Shut the fuck up!
(then to the stodgy
customer)
[You're a customer in this bank and
this is how they treat you. Do you
have a family?]

He nods his head "yes".

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Would you like to see them again?]
62.


He nods his head again.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(to the manager)
[This man has a family he would
like to have Bastille day dinner
with tonight. So save us some time
and open the vault.]

After losing about a pound of sweat...

BANK MANAGER
[No.]

Eric quickly removes the gun from the customers temple and

fires two shots into the bank manager's face.

The bank manager falls against the vault door and onto the

floor.

ERIC
Fucking idiot.
(then to the stodgy
customer)
[You seem like a nice man. Tonight
at dinner think about how lucky you
are and how much you love your
family.]

He starts nodding his head.

STODGY CUSTOMER
Oui.

ERIC
(to Oliver)
[Take him upstairs.]

Oliver takes the customer upstairs to the rest of the people.

Eric rips off his mask.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Don't you ever conflict with me
during work again! Do you hear!?

Zed off his clown mask.

ZED
You didn't have to shoot any of
them!
63.


ERIC
(patronizing)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were in charge now. Nobody
told me.
(his temper flares)
If he had opened the vault it would
have saved us a fucking hour.

He charges into the reserve vault area.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Eric and his crew force the bank manager to open the vault, but he refuses. Eric kills the sub lobby teller and the bank manager when they still won't comply.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • High stakes
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Gripping plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Moral ambiguity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, conflict, and emotional impact. The stakes are high, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed with precision, showcasing the complexities of planning and executing a robbery.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a clear goal of robbing the bank on Bastille Day. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up the conflict for the rest of the screenplay.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the heist genre, focusing on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts. Eric's ruthless leadership and Zed's moral dilemma add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Eric's ruthless actions and Zed's moral conflict showcase character development and change during the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully execute the heist and open the vault to retrieve the valuables inside. This reflects their desire for wealth, power, and control over the situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to open the vault and retrieve the valuables inside, despite facing opposition from the bank manager and the time-locked nature of the vault. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with high stakes and moral dilemmas driving the tension between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the bank manager and other characters resisting the protagonist's demands. The uncertainty of how the situation will unfold adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters risking their lives and freedom for the bank heist.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the heist, introducing conflict, and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and character choices. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of human life versus material possessions. The protagonist is willing to resort to violence and murder to achieve their goal, while the bank manager prioritizes the law and consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters, especially during the violent moments and moral choices.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It drives the conflict and adds to the overall intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense dialogue, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The tension and conflict keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating conflict, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines, dialogue, and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and filled with violence, which may be off-putting to some viewers.
  • The dialogue is strong and effectively conveys the tension and power dynamics between the characters.
  • The actions of the characters, particularly Eric, are extreme and may need to be toned down for a wider audience appeal.
  • The escalation of violence, from threatening to killing, happens quickly and may benefit from more build-up or justification.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development to make the violent actions more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more nuance to the characters' motivations and reactions to make the scene more complex and engaging.
  • Explore the consequences of the violent actions to add depth to the storyline.
  • Provide more context or backstory to justify the extreme actions taken by the characters.
  • Consider toning down the violence or finding alternative ways to create tension and conflict in the scene.
  • Focus on character relationships and dynamics to add layers to the scene and make it more compelling.



Scene 26 -  Bank Robbery Setup
INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

They enter and Eric walks up to a bathroom door.

ZED
Eric. It's just that we've gone
from being thieves to murderers.

ERIC
Oh fuck it doesn't matter! Here
you get the death penalty just for
robbing a federal bank.

ZED
I thought the death penalty was
abolished in 1980?

ERIC
Ohhhh! That's what they tell you!
But who cares? I need to take a
piss.

Eric enters the bathroom.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(on his way into the
bathroom)
Why don't you open the vault?

Zed looks at the bathroom door close. After a fuming pause

he turns and walks back toward the Poseidon vault door.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Francois peeks through the venetian blinds of the windows to
the outside.
64.


FRANCOIS
[Looks clear.]

In the meantime, behind the teller windows guarding the

people who are laying on the floor, Jean and Ricardo are in

the middle of a conversation. Oliver is sitting on the

counter, having just brought the stodgy customer upstairs.

Also here now are the sub lobby assistant and the sub lobby

guard #2.

JEAN
[What do you mean you're not sure
if the alarm went off or not?]

RICARDO
[I mean I'm not sure.]

JEAN
[Well, either it did or it didn't.]

RICARDO
[And I'm not sure.]

JEAN
[Well, do you think it did?]

RICARDO
[I just fucking told you, I don't
know.]

JEAN
[Take a guess.]

RICARDO
[It didn't.]

JEAN
[You're sure?]

RICARDO
[No. It's just a guess.]

JEAN
[Well what kind of a fucking guess
is that? You're saying it could
have.]

RICARDO
[Yes.]
65.


JEAN
[Well that's fucking great. Why
didn't you just kill that asshole
to begin with. I knew I should have
been the one to kill him. You're
always so damn slow.]

RICARDO
[Shit these masks are really hot.]

CLAUDE
[I know, I've got fucking sweat
stinging my eyes.]

In the meantime Zoey is on the floor, unsure of what is going

on.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the tense atmosphere of a bank lobby, Eric ducks into the bathroom as Zed approaches the vault. Francois keeps watch by the windows, while Jean and Ricardo engage in a heated argument about whether the alarm had sounded. Zoey remains motionless on the floor. Unresolved tensions linger as Zed proceeds to open the vault.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of character development in some areas

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, filled with tension, and sets the stage for a major turning point in the story. The dialogue and actions are impactful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist involving a diverse group of characters with conflicting motivations is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively builds suspense and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters execute their plan to rob the bank, leading to a major escalation in the story. The tension and stakes are heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the characters' internal conflicts and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions and decisions. Each character's role in the heist is clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations. The high-stakes situation forces them to make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal is to maintain control and composure in the face of escalating tension and uncertainty. This reflects his need for self-preservation and fear of failure.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully rob the bank and escape without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge of executing the heist amidst unexpected obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high among the characters as they execute their risky plan. The stakes are raised with each decision, leading to a climactic moment.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external obstacles that challenge their goals.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters risking everything for the heist. The tension and danger are palpable, adding to the suspense of the moment.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, leading to a major plot development that will have lasting consequences for the characters. It sets the stage for the next act of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected twists in the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong in the context of their criminal activities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to fear, as the characters navigate the dangerous situation. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the heist.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' motivations and conflicts effectively. It adds to the tension of the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and escalating tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense through rapid dialogue exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with tension building through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from Eric asking Zed to open the vault to Zed walking back towards the Poseidon vault door feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother transition or a clearer connection between these two actions.
  • The dialogue between Jean and Ricardo lacks depth and feels repetitive. The conversation about the alarm going off could be more engaging and impactful if there were higher stakes or more tension in their exchange.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or sense of urgency. While there are multiple characters and conversations happening, it's not clear what the main objective or conflict is in this moment.
  • Zoey being on the floor and unsure of what is going on seems like a missed opportunity for character development or adding depth to the scene. Her presence could be utilized more effectively to enhance the tension or dynamics between the characters.
  • The dialogue between Jean and Ricardo could benefit from more subtext or underlying emotions to make their interaction more compelling and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between Eric asking Zed to open the vault and Zed walking back towards the Poseidon vault door to make it more seamless and logical.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jean and Ricardo by adding more depth, tension, or higher stakes to make their conversation more engaging.
  • Clarify the main objective or conflict in the scene to give it a stronger sense of focus and purpose.
  • Utilize Zoey's presence on the floor more effectively to add depth to the scene and enhance the dynamics between the characters.
  • Add subtext or underlying emotions to the dialogue between Jean and Ricardo to make their interaction more compelling and nuanced.



Scene 27 -  Hostage Massacre
INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed opens up his steel briefcase. Inside of it are all sorts

of electronic gear and tools.

He takes out a tape measure and some callipers and measures

out a point on the vault door. He marks the point with a

piece of chalk.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY

In one of the stalls Eric is preparing a syringe. He has

just cooked the heroin and is now tapping on it to get the

bubbles out.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed takes a power drill out from the briefcase and attaches a

special diamond tipped bit. He measures the depth he wants

to drill to and then marks the bit with a yellow pencil.
66.


He places his ear to the vault and taps the spot.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY

Eric readies the needle and slaps his vein. He is shaking

but trying to remain as still as possible.

He places the needle at the end of a track on his arm and

inserts it.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed starts drilling into the point he marked with the chalk

on the vault door.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY

Eric's eyes roll back into his head as the heroin fills his

vein.

He drops the needle to the floor and sits back to enjoy the

rush.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Zoey is sitting on the floor next to the other bank hostages.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

EXTREME CLOSE ON: Zed's drill bit. It burrows into the

steel wall of the safe spewing out spiral shavings.

CUT TO:
67.


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Zoey looks at all the people sitting around her. They're all

scared. Jean, Ricardo, and Francois are talking amongst

themselves.

JEAN
(in French to Ricardo)
[Do you know one?]

RICARDO
[Let's see. Okay. An unfortunate
fellow was locked up in prison
doing five to ten for armed
robbery. All he could think of the
whole time was eating pussy.]

Zoey looks up at them telling the joke.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
[The day finally came for his
release. He walked out of the
prison with a new suit and fifty
francs the officials had given him,
and made a bee-line for the
whorehouse in the nearest town.
Slamming his fifty francs on the
front desk, he said, "I wanna eat
some pussy."]

Jean is already laughing.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
[I'm not done. Listen. "Where've
you been," said the greasy fellow
behind the desk, "fifty francs
won't get you a close look these
days."]

Zoey glances at all of the people. Then her eyes lock with

the concierge security guard.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
["Listen buddy," said the ex-
convict, pulling him out of his
chair by the shirt collar, "I wanna
eat some pussy, and I want it
now!"]
The concierge security guard lifts his pant leg slowly.
68.


RICARDO (CONT'D)
["Okay, okay," gasped the
proprietor, "I'll see what I can
do." So the ex-con followed him
through to the very back of the
warehouse through some stained,
tattered red curtains, and into a
grimy little room where a
bedraggled looking whore lay
spreadeagled on a filthy bed.
"She's yours for fifty francs,"
said the proprietor, and the fellow
went at it.]

Zoey notices that on the concierge security guard's leg is an

ankle holster with a small .38 pistol on it. His fingers

begin to unsnap the safety harness on it.

Her eyes widen.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
[After a little while, he came
across a piece of egg. "That's
funny," he thought to himself, "I
don't think I had egg for
breakfast." But he spat it out and
kept eating away. Next he found a
piece of chipped beef wedged
between his front teeth. "I'm sure
I haven't eaten chipped beef this
week," he thought, but kept on.
Then he came across the corn.
"What is this?" he said, "I think
I'm going to be sick."]

The concierge security guard unsnaps the safety. Zoey knows

he's going to make his move.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
["Ya know," says the whore, "that's
what the last guy said."]

Before they can even laugh the concierge security guard whips

out the .38 and fires three shots.

Two of them hit Ricardo in the chest. He falls to the
ground.

The other hits Francois in the arm.
69.


In an instant Jean is firing his machine gun into the group

of people huddled on the floor.

Everyone is screaming and trying to get away.

Machine gun fire cuts through the concierge security guard

killing him dead.

Unfortunately, the wild spray of bullets also rips into three

of the tellers, four of the customers, and the loan officer,

killing them all.

People are trying to flee but Claude fires his gun into the

ceiling.

CLAUDE
[No one fucking moves!]

Jean has jumped up on the table and is aiming at the people.

JEAN
[Shit! What happened!?]

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Zed drills into the vault door while Eric injects heroin. Ricardo distracts the hostages with a joke, leading Zoey to notice a gun on the security guard. The guard shoots Ricardo and Francois, prompting Jean to open fire on the hostages, killing several. Claude stops the fleeing hostages as Jean demands an explanation for the shooting.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Detailed planning
  • Sudden violence
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • High level of violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a strong mix of tension, violence, and unexpected twists. It keeps the audience engaged and leaves a lasting impression.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed effectively, with detailed planning, sudden violence, and unexpected consequences adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with the heist plan unfolding in a dramatic and chaotic manner. The sudden turn of events adds layers to the storyline and keeps the audience hooked.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the unexpected violence and dark humor amidst a tense situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each playing a crucial role in the heist and its aftermath. Their actions and reactions add to the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their actions and reactions to the escalating situation. The events of the heist have a profound impact on their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Zoey's internal goal is to survive the hostage situation and protect herself and others. This reflects her fear of death and desire for safety.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to successfully drill into the vault door and complete the heist. This reflects his immediate challenge of breaking into the vault and stealing valuables.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with multiple characters facing life-threatening situations and the tension escalating rapidly. The stakes are raised, leading to a dramatic climax.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable actions of the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with multiple characters facing life-threatening situations, sudden violence erupting, and the heist plan hanging in the balance. The outcome of the scene has far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the heist plan unfolding, unexpected violence erupting, and the consequences of the failed heist setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and unexpected twists in the plot. The characters' actions and decisions keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the violent actions of the criminals and the innocent people caught in the crossfire. This challenges Zoey's beliefs about morality and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and tension in the audience. The sudden violence and chaos heighten the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the fear, tension, and chaos of the situation. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful plot developments, and well-developed characters. The escalating conflict keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed action sequences and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between different locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between Zed drilling into the vault door and Eric preparing and injecting heroin in the bathroom are disjointed and lack a clear connection.
  • The dialogue between Jean and Ricardo telling a joke in the midst of a tense situation feels out of place and disrupts the tension of the scene.
  • The sudden violence that erupts with the concierge security guard shooting Ricardo and Francois, followed by Jean opening fire on the hostages, feels abrupt and lacks proper build-up or foreshadowing.
  • The chaotic and violent turn of events, with multiple characters being shot and killed, feels excessive and may be overwhelming for the audience.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Zoey noticing the gun on the security guard's ankle and the subsequent shooting spree, lack clear motivation or justification within the context of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between Zed drilling into the vault door and Eric preparing heroin, perhaps by intercutting their actions more effectively.
  • Reevaluate the placement of the joke-telling dialogue between Jean and Ricardo to ensure it fits organically within the tense atmosphere of the scene.
  • Build up the tension and escalation of violence more gradually to make the sudden outbreak of gunfire more impactful and believable.
  • Consider toning down the level of violence and casualties to maintain a balance between drama and realism in the scene.
  • Provide clearer character motivations and actions to ensure that the violent events that unfold are grounded in the established context of the scene.



Scene 28 -  Bank Heist Chaos
INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed looks up hearing the commotion.

Eric comes running out of the bathroom and into the

storage/elevator area.

ERIC
What is it? What's going on?

Zed gets up to go upstairs.

ZED
I don't know.

ERIC
No! You stay here.

Eric runs upstairs.

CUT TO:
70.


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Francois is on the ground holding his arm. He keeps rolling

back and forth in pain.

Ricardo is dead.

Jean, Claude, and Oliver are waving their guns around ready

to kill someone any second.

JEAN
[Nobody fucking moves! Nobody
fucking moves!]

Claude motions to the dead security guard.

CLAUDE
[The gun! Somebody get it!]

Oliver goes over to the dead security guard, the whole time

waving his gun at people.

OLIVER
[Don't fuck with me! Don't fuck
with me!]

He grabs the gun from the dead security guards limp grip.

Eric storms in. He isn't wearing his mask.

ERIC
[What the fuck is going on!?]

Zoey notices Eric, she remembers him.

OLIVER
(pointing at the dead man)
[This crazy fuck shot Ricardo!]

Eric looks over at Ricardo and then at the carnage.

Then everybody notices he isn't wearing a mask.

JEAN
(quietly)
[Eric, your mask.]

ERIC
Oh shit.

Then Oliver yanks his off.
71.


OLIVER
Who gives a damn if they see us or
not anyway! I can't see a fucking
think in this!

Everyone takes their masks off.

ERIC
[Is this what happens? Is this
what happens when I walk away for
five minutes?]

CLAUDE
[He had a hidden gun.]

ERIC
(mimicking a little child)
[He had a hidden gun.]
(then back to normal)
[I don't care!]

Then, one of the bank customers, a MALE TOURIST, speaks up.

MALE TOURIST
(holding up his passport)
This is insane! I am a U.S.
citizen! You must let me go!

Eric looks at him.

MALE TOURIST (CONT'D)
I'm an American! American! I'm
just here exchanging dollars. If
it wasn't for my country you'd all
be speaking German!

Eric is tired of this outburst, he shoots him.

Everyone screams.

ERIC
(to the people)
[I have had enough of this
nonsense! The next person that
speaks will die!]

Everyone is quiet.

Francois is sitting on the floor bleeding from his arm.

JEAN
[Eric, I'm sorry. Things got out
of hand. But we're in control
now.]
72.


ERIC
[Good. Let's try to keep it that
way. God what a mess.]

CLAUDE
Eric

ERIC
[What the fuck is it now!? You
want me to hold your hand as you
take a piss?]

CLAUDE
[I have a question.]

ERIC
[What?]

CLAUDE
[Do we know if the alarm went off
or not?]

ERIC
[Yes.]

CLAUDE
[We do?]

ERIC
[Yes. It didn't go off. If it had
the police would be here and our
whole plan would be fucked. But
they're not here, and our plan
isn't fucked. So if there aren't
any more fucking stupid questions
I'll go downstairs and see if we're
in yet. Is that okay with you?]

Claude nods.

Then, the phone rings.

Everyone looks at it.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[I thought the phones were dead.]

It rings again.

OLIVER
The phones are dead.
Eric grabs a WOMAN TELLER who is crying hysterically and
73.


lifts her to her feet.

He drags her to the ringing phone.

ERIC
[Answer it!]

She is crying too hard.

Eric puts his gun to her head.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Answer it or you will die.]

She slowly picks up the phone.

WOMAN TELLER
(answering phone through
tears)
Banque Internationale de Paris.

She pauses, then hands the phone to Eric.

WOMAN TELLER (CONT'D)
[It's for you.]
Eric takes the phone and pushes her to the floor.

He puts the receiver to his ear.

ERIC
(into phone)
[Hello.]
(pause)
[Who is this?]

Eric motions to Oliver to check the windows.

Oliver runs over and peeks out the blinds.

OLIVER
Oh my God! The police!

ERIC
(into phone)
[What do you want?]

Eric looks around at the dead bodies.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(into phone)
[We're all fine in here.]

Oliver is pacing back and forth wildly. He starts loading
74.


extra ammo into his weapon.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(into phone)
[No. I'll tell you what, you go
fuck yourself you fucking pig. You
send anyone near this building and
I'll kill the first person I lay my
hands on. I've got plenty hostages
here to kill so don't even think of
coming in.]
(pause)
[Just stay put. We'll call you
when we're ready. In the mean
time, have a nice day.]

Eric hangs up the phone, and then leaves it off the hook.

CLAUDE
[The silent alarm must have gone
off after all!]

ERIC
[Shut the fuck up! The alarm
didn't do shit. For all we know
your idiot shooting brought them
here. Anyhow it doesn't matter.
Nothing has changed.]

JEAN
[My God! The police! What are we
going to do?]

ERIC
[Nothing. We don't have to do
anything. The plan stays the same,
just slightly different.]

Then Eric catches sight of Zoey, their eyes lock. Eric

smiles and winks. Then he turns to Jean with a whisper.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[If the police decide to come
in...kill them. And if you don't
mind, stack those bodies somewhere
else. This place is a fucking mess
and it's bad for morale.]

Then he takes off downstairs, smiling. Jean is a little
stumped.
75.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary After a gunshot, Eric confronts Jean, Claude, and Oliver about bodies and the triggered alarm. Amidst customer protests and Eric's shooting, the group unmasks and learns about the police outside. Oliver panics as Eric orders Jean to kill the police and clean up the bodies.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • High stakes
  • Tense dialogue
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Violence may be too graphic for some audiences
  • Lack of clear resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of conflict and high stakes. The tension is palpable, and the unfolding chaos keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank robbery turning violent and chaotic is executed effectively, creating a sense of unpredictability and danger. The scene effectively conveys the consequences of criminal actions and the impact on the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the escalating conflict and the characters' actions in response to the unfolding events. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the heist genre, with a focus on character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar setting of a bank robbery.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and decisions under pressure reveal their true personalities and motivations. The dynamics between the characters add depth to the scene and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 6

The characters undergo subtle changes as they are forced to confront their fears, make difficult decisions, and face the consequences of their actions. The intense situation tests their limits and reveals new aspects of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and assert dominance in the face of escalating chaos. This reflects his need for power and control, as well as his fear of losing authority in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the robbery and evade the police. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected obstacles and maintaining the heist plan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multifaceted, involving internal struggles, external threats, and moral dilemmas. The characters are pushed to their limits, leading to explosive confrontations and high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable actions of the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with lives on the line, violent confrontations, and the threat of law enforcement intervention. The characters are pushed to their limits, facing dire consequences for their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing new conflicts, escalating tensions, and setting the stage for future developments. The high stakes and dramatic events propel the story forward at a rapid pace.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions, shifting power dynamics, and moral ambiguity. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the robbery and the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' moral values and ethical boundaries, as they are forced to make difficult decisions in a high-stakes situation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, as well as the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, tension, and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The violence and chaos heighten the emotional impact and create a sense of unease.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions and the escalating conflict. It effectively conveys the sense of chaos and danger in the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas. The fast-paced dialogue and suspenseful atmosphere keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm and flow of the scene contribute to its tension and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure for a heist thriller, with escalating tension, dramatic reveals, and character development. The pacing and formatting enhance the scene's impact and readability.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and focus, with multiple characters and actions happening simultaneously, making it confusing for the audience to follow.
  • There is a lack of character development and depth, with most characters coming across as one-dimensional and lacking motivation for their actions.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters delivering lines that don't feel authentic or believable.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to create a sense of tension or suspense, which is crucial for a bank robbery scenario.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with abrupt shifts in tone and action that make it difficult to engage with the story.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the main characters, particularly Eric and Zed, to create more depth and complexity in their motivations and actions.
  • Streamline the action and dialogue to create a more cohesive and engaging scene that builds tension and suspense effectively.
  • Consider adding more visual elements and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the bank robbery.
  • Work on improving the pacing of the scene by structuring the action and dialogue in a way that flows smoothly and keeps the audience engaged.
  • Ensure that each character's actions and dialogue are consistent with their motivations and personalities to create a more believable and immersive story.



Scene 29 -  Vault Access
INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

As Eric walks down the stairs and through the reserve vault

area a look of intense concentration washes over his face.

You can see that a trillion calculations are being made in

his brain...the question is: are there any answers?

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed is drilling now with a hand drill. He removes it and

blows into the hole. Shavings come out.

Eric comes trotting into the antechamber whistling.

ZED
(turning to Eric)
What's going on?

ERIC
Nothing. They were just scaring
them.

ZED
Well, did you tell them to stay
quiet?

ERIC
Yes. They're assholes. Just
having fun.

Zed looks into the hole.

He has drilled into the vault door, revealing some wiring.

ZED
Fucked up my drill bit.

ERIC
It's okay. You can buy another
one.

Zed takes out a volt meter from his briefcase and inserts the

two prongs into the hole.

ZED
Cross your fingers.
76.


Eric does.

The volt meter's needle jumps.

ZED (CONT'D)
Perfect.

ERIC
Excellent. What next?

ZED
We find the fuse box. It'll
probably be upstairs.

Zed gets up.

ERIC
It's okay. I'll find it for you.

ZED
No. I need to see it myself.

Zed jumps up and into the storage/elevator area with Eric

close behind him.
ERIC
I think it would be better if I
looked for you. I could--
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Eric and Zed successfully expose the wiring on the vault door. They plan to find the fuse box next.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Detailed planning
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some predictable moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a strong focus on the heist and its consequences. The high stakes, intense dialogue, and character dynamics contribute to a gripping narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist is well-executed, with attention to detail in the planning and execution of the robbery. The scene effectively conveys the risks and challenges involved in such a criminal endeavor.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with a clear focus on the heist and its unfolding consequences. The escalating conflict and high stakes drive the narrative forward with intensity.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by emphasizing the characters' intelligence and resourcefulness in overcoming obstacles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward. Eric's leadership, Zed's technical skills, and the dynamics between the crew members add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters undergo changes in the scene, particularly in their attitudes towards the heist and its consequences. The events of the robbery challenge their beliefs and values, leading to personal growth or moral dilemmas.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal is to successfully execute the heist and prove his skills and intelligence. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition in a high-risk environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate the fuse box in the bank and disable it to gain access to the vault. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of overcoming security measures to achieve the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising as the heist unfolds. The characters face internal and external conflicts, leading to dramatic confrontations and escalating stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with technical challenges and security measures posing obstacles for the characters. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters risking their lives and freedom for the heist. The consequences of failure are severe, adding urgency and tension to the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, advancing the plot with key developments in the heist and its aftermath. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the technical challenges they face during the heist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to break the law and engage in criminal activities for personal gain. This challenges traditional moral values and societal norms, reflecting the protagonist's belief in taking risks for reward.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension, fear, and desperation. The characters' actions and the consequences of the heist evoke a range of emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and contributes to the tension and suspense of the scene. It reveals the characters' motivations, conflicts, and the escalating stakes of the heist.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high-stakes heist narrative. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' goals and actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through quick action and sharp dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' goals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings and concise action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a clear focus on the characters' goals and the obstacles they face. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks tension and urgency considering the high-stakes situation of a bank robbery. The dialogue between Zed and Eric feels too casual and lacks the intensity needed for a scene in a heist thriller.
  • The interaction between Zed and Eric does not reveal much about their characters or advance the plot significantly. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut or condensed to maintain the pacing of the screenplay.
  • The drilling of the vault door and testing of the wiring with a volt meter is not visually engaging and does not add much to the overall tension of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Eric could be more focused on the immediate task at hand and the looming threat of the police outside. This would help to build suspense and keep the audience engaged.
  • The lack of visual elements or action in the scene makes it feel static and uninteresting. Adding more movement or visual cues could help to enhance the scene and keep the audience visually engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more urgency and tension to the scene by ramping up the stakes and focusing on the imminent threat of the police outside.
  • Condense the dialogue between Zed and Eric to make it more impactful and relevant to the plot. Cut out any unnecessary exchanges that do not contribute to the overall tension of the scene.
  • Introduce more visual elements or action to make the scene more dynamic and engaging. This could involve showing the police closing in outside, or adding movement and tension to the drilling and testing of the wiring.
  • Focus on building suspense and maintaining the pacing of the screenplay by keeping the dialogue and actions in line with the high-stakes nature of the bank robbery.
  • Consider adding a twist or unexpected turn of events to keep the audience on their toes and maintain their interest in the scene.



Scene 30 -  Preparations for the Heist
INT. BANK - STORAGE/ELEVATOR AREA - DAY

Instead of walking upstairs, Zed finds the fuse box right in

the next room.

ZED
Hold on. Here she is.

Eric is a bit relieved.

Zed opens it up.

ZED (CONT'D)
Let's see.

He looks through the fuses and then finds the one he wants.

ZED (CONT'D)
Okay, you throw this fuse switch
off and then back on when I call to
you. Any other switch may set off
the alarm.
77.


Eric smirks.

ERIC
Oh, I wouldn't want to do that.

ZED
(serious)
Got it?

ERIC
(nodding)
Got it.

Zed goes back to the vaults.


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Zed trots back to the Poseidon vault door and quickly grabs a

little gizmo from out of his briefcase. It is a little home-

made black box with a series of LED's on it and two wires

coming out of one side with alligator clips on the end.

Three other wires are also coming out of it.

He slips the alligator clips into the hole and latches them.

He then tapes one of the wires to the vault itself.

The two remaining wires he hooks up to a large twelve volt

battery.

ZED
Come on sweetie don't fail me now.

He looks toward the door leading to the reserve vault area.

ZED (CONT'D)
(calling to Eric)
Ready?!

ERIC(O.S.)
(calling back)
Ready!

Zed turns on his little box, the LED's start flickering.
ZED
Now!
78.


The lights go out and then back on.

There is a whirring sound from the vault door.

The LED's quickly go from red to green.

There is a loud, heavy clicking as the vault door unlocks.

ZED (CONT'D)
Open seasame.

Zed smiles and swings the door open revealing the interior of

the Poseidon vault.

Eric comes running in like a kid on Christmas morning.

ERIC
It worked!

He and Zed hug.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Oh my God it worked!

Zed looks into the Poseidon vault at the passage connecting
it to the main vault. It is covered by a small locked cage.

ZED
I can get through that lock in a
minute.

ERIC
Then do it. We don't have all day.

Zed enters the Poseidon vault.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a storage room, Zed locates the fuse box and instructs Eric on how to reset the power. He then prepares a device to unlock the Poseidon vault door, which he does successfully, revealing the passage to the main vault.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Technical details of the heist
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of tension, action, and character dynamics. It effectively sets up the heist and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of breaking into a bank vault during a heist is executed well, with attention to detail on the technical aspects of the break-in.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by setting up the heist and introducing conflict within the group of characters.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the heist genre with its detailed technical descriptions and character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and play their roles effectively in the heist setup. There is tension and conflict among them, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on the heist setup and execution.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully execute the heist and prove his skills as a thief. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition in his criminal endeavors.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to unlock the vault and access the valuable contents inside. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters face obstacles in breaking into the vault and dealing with unexpected events during the heist.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that add to the suspense and uncertainty of the heist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters are involved in a risky bank heist with potential consequences for failure.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the heist, introducing obstacles, and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. The protagonist must reconcile his desire for success with the ethical implications of his illegal activities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes tension and suspense, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus. The focus is more on the action and heist setup.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character dynamics. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum as the characters work towards their goal.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, building tension and suspense as the characters work towards their goal.


Critique
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense considering the high stakes of a bank heist. The interaction between Zed and Eric is too casual and lacks urgency.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Eric is straightforward and lacks depth. There is an opportunity to add more tension and conflict in their communication.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the reader's understanding of the technical aspects of opening the vault.
  • The emotional impact of successfully unlocking the vault is not fully explored. The characters' reactions could be more intense and celebratory.
  • The transition between finding the fuse box and successfully unlocking the vault feels rushed and could be expanded to build more anticipation.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and urgency to the scene by emphasizing the high stakes of the bank heist.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Zed and Eric to include more conflict and emotional depth.
  • Provide more visual descriptions of the technical aspects of opening the vault to engage the reader.
  • Explore the emotional impact of successfully unlocking the vault by delving into the characters' reactions.
  • Expand on the transition between finding the fuse box and unlocking the vault to build anticipation and suspense.



Scene 31 -  Assault on the Poseidon Vault
INT. BANK - POSEIDON VAULT - DAY

Zed goes to the gated passage which isn't much more than a

window in one upper side of the vault, but it's enough to get

him into the main vault.

Eric is right behind him.

Zed takes a twirl at the combination lock.
ZED
Dime store brand. Three minutes
max.
79.


ERIC
Good.

Then, there's a gunshot. The bullet comes from the Calibre

vault through the window and almost hits Zed.

Zed falls backwards onto the floor.

ZED
Fuck!

ERIC
Merde!

Then there's another gunshot.

The bullet ricochets through the vault.

ZED
Jesus Christ!

Scrambling on their hands and knees Zed and Eric crawl out of

the Poseidon vault.


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

They take cover.

Another shot is fired into the vault.

Zed and Eric look into the vault.

ZED
Another security guard?

ERIC
Must be.

ZED
I think I stained my pants.

ERIC
Me too.

Oliver comes running in with his gun ready for action.

OLIVER
What is it?! I came down to see
how things were going and heard
shots!
80.


ERIC
Some asshole in the vault.

Oliver takes cover and cocks his gun.

OLIVER
We've got guns. Why don't we just
storm in and blast his fucking ass!
It's three against one! Let's give
it the old--

ERIC
Quiet!

OLIVER
I'm just trying to be helpful.

ERIC
Just let me think.

OLIVER
You don't have to snap at me.

Eric peeks into the vault.

ERIC
(calling into the vault)
[Hey you. Nice shooting. Play
time's over. Why don't you throw
out your gun?]

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
(calling from main vault)
No!

Oliver and Eric look at each other and smile.

ERIC
[Come on. We don't want to kill
you.]

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
[You'll have to!]

ERIC
(quietly to Zed)
What is this guys problem?
(then to the guard)
[Come on! You're making me
impatient. I don't have all day.]

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
[Look, don't take it personally.
This is my job.]
81.


Oliver and Eric look at each other and shrug. Then Eric sees

something in Zed's briefcase. It looks like grey clay.

ERIC
[Then take a paid vacation. We
won't tell if you won't.]

There is a pause. During this time Eric takes the clay and

pushes a detonator into it.

ZED
(quietly)
What the Hell are you doing? Have
you gone mad?

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
[Sorry. I can't.]

ERIC
[Well, look, we're going to give
you fifteen minutes to change your
mind. Okay?]

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
[Okay.]

Zed starts to grab the plastique away from Eric. Eric

resists.

ZED
(holding his voice down)
That's too much. It's dangerous.

ERIC
I like danger.
(then to the guard)
[Changed your mind yet?]

Eric creeps into the room and activates the detonator.

Zed and Oliver run for cover.

VAULT GUARD #1(O.S.)
[No. And I'm not going to. Why
don't you just take the money from
the other vaults?--]

Eric tosses the bar of plastique through the caged window and

makes a break for it.
82.


There is a huge explosion in the adjoining main vault. The

walls quake and a fireball bellows out of the caged window,

blowing it open.

The vault guard #1 screams and then goes silent.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Suspecting shots were fired from an adjacent vault, Zed and Eric abort their attempt to crack the Poseidon vault's combination lock. Eric attaches an explosive to the clay in Zed's case and tosses it into the vault, killing the guard and forcing the vault open.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Innovative use of explosives
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of character development in the heat of the action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and unexpected twists. The use of explosives and the threat of violence raise the stakes and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a bank heist with a twist involving explosives is innovative and adds a new layer of danger to the scene. The use of the vault as a central location for the conflict is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense as the characters navigate the dangerous situation in the bank vault. The introduction of explosives and the threat of violence heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a heist scenario, incorporating elements of suspense, danger, and moral conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination and quick thinking in the face of danger. Their reactions to the escalating situation reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a shift in their actions and decisions as they confront the escalating danger in the bank vault. Their responses to the threat reveal new aspects of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal in this scene is to successfully complete the heist and escape without getting caught or harmed. This reflects his desire for financial gain and his fear of failure or getting caught by the authorities.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the security guards and escape with the stolen goods. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of the heist going wrong and the need to adapt to unexpected obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the characters facing physical danger, moral dilemmas, and escalating tensions. The threat of violence and the use of explosives raise the stakes and drive the conflict to a climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the security guard posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals. The uncertainty of the guard's actions adds to the tension and unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of violence, the use of explosives, and the possibility of failure in their heist. The danger and tension are palpable, raising the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new level of danger and conflict for the characters. The use of explosives and the threat of violence create a turning point in the narrative, leading to a climactic moment.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and twists that arise during the heist. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' next moves and the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's willingness to use violence and force to achieve their goals, contrasted with the guard's dedication to their job and duty to protect the vault. This challenges the protagonist's values and morals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and determination in the characters and the audience. The high-stakes situation and the threat of violence create a sense of urgency and suspense, keeping emotions running high.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and high stakes of the situation. The exchanges between the characters reveal their emotions and motivations, driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful moments, and sharp dialogue. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, wondering how the heist will unfold.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the scene moving at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the standard format for a screenplay. The action lines and dialogue are well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a conflict, and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a tense moment as Zed attempts to open the Poseidon vault using a combination lock, but is interrupted by gunshots from the Calibre vault, creating a chaotic and dangerous situation.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Eric feels natural and adds to the tension of the scene, especially with their reactions to the gunshots and their attempts to take cover.
  • Oliver's entrance adds a sense of urgency and his suggestion to storm into the vault with guns blazing adds a layer of recklessness to the already tense situation.
  • Eric's decision to use the grey clay as a makeshift explosive without consulting Zed creates a moment of conflict and danger, showcasing Eric's impulsive and risky behavior.
  • The explosion at the end of the scene is a dramatic and impactful moment that changes the dynamics of the robbery and leaves the fate of the vault guard uncertain.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Zed and Eric to deepen their characters and provide insight into their motivations during this high-stakes situation.
  • Explore the relationship dynamics between Zed, Eric, and Oliver further to enhance the tension and conflict within the group during the robbery.
  • Clarify the motivations behind Eric's decision to use the grey clay as an explosive and the potential consequences of his actions to add depth to his character.
  • Ensure the aftermath of the explosion is addressed in the following scenes to show the impact of this dramatic event on the characters and the progression of the heist.
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the intensity and suspense of the scene, such as detailing the chaos and destruction caused by the explosion.



Scene 32 -  The Vault Breached
INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Francois, Claude, and Jean are forcing customers to drag dead

bodies into a cube. The room shakes and everyone looks

toward the hall that leads to the stairs.

The hostages, whose nerves are already shot, start crying.

FRANCOIS
[Should we see if they're okay?]

JEAN
[No. They're just blasting the
vault open.]

CLAUDE
[What does it matter now? We're
fucking surrounded by police.]

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - VAULT ANTECHAMBER - DAY

Dust has blown out of the vault and is settling on Oliver,

Zed, and Eric, who is laughing like a madman.

Zed is looking at him like he's crazy.

ZED
You asshole! You could have killed
us all.

ERIC
But I didn't! Let's go check out
the damage.

Eric gets up and walks into the Poseidon vault.

Before Zed follows him he looks at Oliver who doesn't know
83.


what to think.


INT. BANK - POSEIDON VAULT - DAY

Eric laughs.

ERIC
Zed look!

He points to the caged window. It's been blown off it's

hinges.

ERIC (CONT'D)
I beat you! I opened it in under
three minutes.

He starts laughing and then crawls through the connecting

passage into the Caliber vault.

Zed, with his briefcase, follows.

ZED
(to Oliver)
Go around and wait at the main
vault door. When I tell you, open
it up.

OLIVER
Right. When you tell me, I'll open
it up.

ZED
Right.

OLIVER
Right.

Zed crawls through the opening.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
I'll be at the other vault waiting
for you to call to me.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary As hostages are forced to handle dead bodies, the robbers successfully open the vault. Amidst tension and excitement, they proceed with their plan, leaving one of them to await further instructions at the main vault door.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of character depth in some supporting roles

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong mix of tension, conflict, and emotional impact. The use of explosives to break into the vault adds a thrilling element to the heist.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of breaking into a bank vault using explosives is innovative and adds a unique twist to the traditional heist scenario. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events leading to the climax of the vault break-in. The tension and conflict between the characters drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on a heist scenario, with unique character dynamics and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, each with their own motivations and roles in the heist. The dynamic between Eric, Zed, and Oliver adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes as they are pushed to their limits during the heist. Eric's reckless behavior and Zed's moral dilemma show character development in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the dangerous situation and come out alive. This reflects their fear of death and desire to survive.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully open the vault and complete the heist. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the high stakes of the heist, and the use of explosives create a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters risking their lives to pull off the heist. The use of explosives and the presence of the police increase the tension and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the characters break into the vault and face unexpected challenges. It sets the stage for the climax of the heist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the heist scenario.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' morality and criminal actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong in the context of a high-stakes situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and making difficult decisions. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the heist.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and conflict between the characters effectively. It adds to the overall suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and suspenseful atmosphere.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with clear progression and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high-stakes situation of a bank robbery gone wrong.
  • The dialogue feels a bit flat and could be more impactful to convey the emotions and dynamics between the characters.
  • The character interactions could be more nuanced to show the escalating conflict and the pressure they are under.
  • The actions of the characters, especially Eric, could be more intense and dramatic to heighten the suspense of the scene.
  • The transition between the different locations within the bank could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more intense and high-stakes dialogue to convey the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • Enhance the character interactions to show the escalating conflict and the emotional turmoil they are experiencing.
  • Increase the dramatic actions of the characters, especially Eric, to heighten the suspense and keep the audience engaged.
  • Improve the transitions between different locations within the bank to maintain a seamless flow of the scene.
  • Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.



Scene 33 -  The Gold Discovery
INT. CALIBER VAULT - DAY

The main vault looks like what a vault would look like if it
were blown up from the inside. On the floor is the still

smoldering body of the security guard. The room is
84.


incredibly smokey.

Zed squeezes through the opening.

Then, Eric, grinning like a schoolboy, emerges from the smoke

with a brick sized bar of pure gold.

ERIC
Look at it! We're all rich!

The smoke clears and we see that on the far side of the vault

there is a huge platen on wheels with bricks of gold stacked

onto it.

Eric starts laughing.

ERIC (CONT'D)
We're rich!

Zed looks at him like he's crazy.

ERIC (CONT'D)
We're rich!
ZED
We're not out of here yet.

ERIC
Yes but we're rich!

Zed takes a seat at the vault door. The backside of a vault

door looks like an incredibly intricate clock. Zed removes

the Plexiglass shielding.

ERIC (CONT'D)
I'm going to show the others.

He squirms out of the entry with the brick of gold.

Zed shakes his head and goes to work setting dials and using

his voltmeter to test electrical points.

CUT TO:

INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Claude is talking to Jean.
85.


CLAUDE
[What? You think we may actually
get out of this? You're fooling
yourself.]

JEAN
[Why are you such a pessimist?]

CLAUDE
[Are you kidding me? Look at this
mess.]

Jean surveys the mess, the crying people.

CLAUDE (CONT'D)
[This is nothing. Imagine the
police outside. We're dead men.]

Eric walks in from the rear stairs. In his hand is a brick

of gold.

ERIC
[Jean, Francois, Claude...look at
this.]
They see the gold.

JEAN
[You did it! You got in!]

ERIC
[Zed is opening the vault now.
This is a taste.]

Eric holds the bar of gold up for all the people to see.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Look at this and tell me I'm not
brilliant.]

WOMAN CUSTOMER
(crying)
[You're a monster! And you'll
never leave this place alive!]

Eric shoots her with his Uzi.

ERIC
(to the hostages)
[None of you are worth half of this
single bar. Remember that.]

Francois, Jean, and Claude look at each other.
86.


CLAUDE
[Eric...can I speak with you?]

ERIC
[Of course.]

CLAUDE
[In private.]

ERIC
[There's no need. I have nothing
to hide. What is it Claude?]

CLAUDE
[Well...we're surrounded by the
police and we have no way out.
What are we going to do?]

Eric slaps him across the face.

ERIC
[What are you doing Claude?
Talking of all this false doubt.
What do you think we're going to
do?]

Claude is hurt, not physically but emotionally.

CLAUDE
[I don't know...not the original
plan.]

ERIC
[Obviously, since Ricardo fucked us
up and didn't kill the concierge
fast enough. And killing all these
assholes-- ]
(motioning to all the
customers)
[--isn't going to do us a damn bit
of good now, is it?]

CLAUDE
No.

ERIC
[No. Because we'll need them as
hostages when we get on the plane.]

CLAUDE
[We're going on a plane?]

Eric pats his shoulder.
87.


ERIC
[Claude, you are a mental giant.
Leave the plans up to me and just
kill people if they get out of
line, okay?]

CLAUDE
[Okay.]

Eric turns and starts to walk toward the downstairs.

ERIC
[I'm going to see how things are
going.]
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the aftermath of the vault explosion, Zed discovers Eric grinning with a gold bar amidst a vast amount of gold bricks. Eric's excitement contrasts with Zed's caution. As Zed works on the vault door, Eric flaunts the gold to the hostages, escalating tensions. The scene ends with Eric leaving to check on the situation, leaving the hostages uneasy.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Violent content may be disturbing to some audiences
  • Some character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and drives the plot forward effectively. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, and the stakes are raised significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed well, with a focus on the characters' reactions and decisions in a high-pressure situation.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with the heist escalating into a violent confrontation with the police. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar heist scenario but adds depth through the characters' conflicting emotions and ethical dilemmas. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the tension in the scene. Eric's leadership, Claude's doubt, and Jean's loyalty add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes, particularly in their decisions and actions under pressure, but there is room for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and confidence in the face of escalating tension and uncertainty. Eric wants to assert his leadership and intelligence to reassure his team and himself.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the heist and escape with the stolen gold. Eric's focus is on opening the vault and securing the loot while dealing with the police threat outside.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal conflicts among the characters and external threats from the police. The uncertainty of the heist outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of the police, internal conflicts, and the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the heist into a violent confrontation and setting up the next stage of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of the heist. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting dynamics and moral dilemmas.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Eric's ruthless and pragmatic approach to the situation, contrasted with Claude's doubts and moral concerns. Eric prioritizes the success of the heist over ethical considerations, while Claude struggles with the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and anger in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' motivations and conflicts effectively. It adds to the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense action, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The high stakes and escalating tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character introspection. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a heist genre, with clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and tension build effectively towards the climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with a disjointed focus on different characters and actions.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters speaking in a way that doesn't feel authentic or engaging.
  • The transition between Zed working on the vault door and Eric interacting with the hostages is abrupt and confusing.
  • The character motivations and emotions are not well-developed, making it difficult for the audience to connect with their actions.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense, failing to build up to a climactic moment or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one central conflict or goal for the scene to revolve around, such as the characters' struggle to access the main vault.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' personalities, motivations, and relationships.
  • Improve the pacing by smoothly transitioning between different character interactions and actions.
  • Build tension and suspense by creating obstacles for the characters to overcome and escalating the stakes of the situation.
  • Clarify the character dynamics and emotions to make their actions and decisions more impactful and engaging.



Scene 34 -  Bank Robbery Chaos
INT. BANK - REAR STAIRS TO LOBBY - DAY

Eric is whistling while he walks, he pauses to perform a

quick magic trick, then he continues.


INT. RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

Eric walks into the reserve vault area.

He stops. He hears something. A scratching sound.

He looks at it's source, TWO POLICEMEN, decked out in black

flak jackets and gas masks are starting to come out of a

sewer manhole.

Eric's eyes widen. He takes his silencer out of his coat and

fixes it to his handgun. Then, like a man with intent to

kill, he rapidly approaches them.

The one who came out of the manhole turns just in time to see

Eric fire into his chest. Then, Eric aims the gun into the

tight crawlspace and fires into the other man. For safe

measure he empties his gun into the tiny causeway.

He drops the gun into the hole and then shoves the other

policeman into it. He then pushes a large utility wagon over

the manhole cover to stop anyone else from coming in.
88.


INT. BANK - REAR STAIRS TO LOBBY - DAY

Eric comes running out from the reserve vault area and up the

stairs to the lobby.


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Eric rushes into the lobby.

ERIC
[They want to fuck with me!? They
want to fuck with me!?]

He puts the phone on the hook.

It instantly rings.

He answers the phone.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[You want to fuck with me!? I'll
show you what happens to people who
fuck with me!]
He throws the phone to the ground and looks at Zoey.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[The moment of truth my love. You
knew it would come.]

He grabs Zoey and lifts her to her feet.

ZOEY
(screeching)
No!

Then, the assistant manager stops him.

ASSISTANT MANAGER
[No! What ever it is you're going
to do have mercy!]

Eric suddenly calms down.

ERIC
[Have mercy?]

ASSISTANT MANAGER
[Yes.]
ERIC
[With her.]
89.


ASSISTANT MANAGER
[Yes.]

ERIC
[That's sweet.]
(to Zoey)
[You have quite a reach my lovely.
Is he one of your clients?]

He pushes Zoey to the ground.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[It's a deal.]

ASSISTANT MANAGER
[Thank you.]

ERIC
[Don't mention it.]

He grabs the assistant manager and at gunpoint forces him to

the main entrance.

CLAUDE
[Eric! What are you doing?]
ERIC
[Clearing up the "how full of shit
am I" question the cops are asking
themselves right now.]

The assistant manager is putting up a bit of a struggle but

Eric simply forces him along.

Everyone waits until suddenly they hear a burst of gunfire

from outside. They all scream.

Eric walks back into the bank, he picks up the phone.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(into phone)
[Hello.]
(pause)
[Yes. I'll hold.]
(then to Claude)
[I'm holding.]

After a little bit of a wait someone comes on the other end
of the line.
90.


ERIC (CONT'D)
(into phone)
[Hello.]
(pause)
[You don't know the fucking half of
it. So just shut the fuck up and
listen. Try any more stunts and
I'll fucking really go crazy.]
(pause)
[Well that's good because if you
faggot cops even think of it I'll
kill some more people. Hear?]
(pause)
[No. None of that. We won't
trade. That never works. Not in
the movies, not in real life.
Understand? We're going to get
into our van, with a couple of
people, go to the airport, and fly
out of this shit hole city. And
you're not going to follow us.]
(pause)
[Who do you fucking think is going
to supply the plane? Us? No, you
fucking imbecile, the French
taxpayers would be a good second
guess for you. You're really
pissing me off. You think I'm a
fucking amature?]

He covers the mouth piece.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(to Claude)
[I fucking hate cops.]

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Eric encounters two policemen in the reserve vault area of a bank, shoots and kills them, then pushes one into a manhole. He threatens the assistant manager and forces him to the main entrance at gunpoint, causing panic among the people in the bank. Gunfire is heard outside, leading to a tense and threatening atmosphere. The scene ends with Eric making a threatening phone call.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Violent content
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong sense of conflict, high stakes, and emotional impact. The tension is palpable, and the dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the scene forward with a sense of urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong, leading to a tense standoff with the police, is executed effectively in this scene. The idea of escalating conflict and high stakes is well portrayed.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and intense, with the bank robbers facing off against the police in a high-stakes situation. The unfolding events keep the audience on the edge of their seats, driving the narrative forward with a sense of urgency.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique approach to a bank heist scenario, with unexpected twists and intense character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the escalating tension in the scene. Eric's ruthless demeanor and confrontational attitude stand out, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character arcs in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reveal their motivations and personalities, adding depth to their interactions and the overall conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal is to assert his power and control in the situation, showcasing his dominance and ability to intimidate others.

External Goal: 7

Eric's external goal is to escape the bank with his accomplices and avoid being caught by the police.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the bank robbers facing off against the police in a high-stakes standoff. The escalating tension and confrontations drive the narrative forward with a sense of urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Eric facing challenges from the police, the assistant manager, and his own internal conflicts, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as the bank robbers are pitted against the police in a dangerous standoff. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for all involved, adding to the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the bank robbers face off against the police in a high-stakes confrontation. The escalating tension and confrontations drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to unexpected character actions, twists in the plot, and the high level of tension throughout.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Eric's disregard for authority and his willingness to use violence to achieve his goals, contrasting with the assistant manager's plea for mercy and the police's duty to uphold the law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and suspense. The high stakes and escalating conflict create a sense of unease and anticipation, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and impactful, adding to the overall intensity of the scene. The exchanges between the characters drive the conflict forward and reveal their motivations and personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and high stakes, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and rhythmic, building tension and suspense effectively to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a suspenseful heist genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a suspenseful heist genre, with clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the actions and motivations of the characters. It is unclear why Eric suddenly decides to kill the policemen and cover up their bodies, as well as his subsequent actions in the bank lobby.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unrealistic, especially Eric's interactions with the assistant manager and his phone call to the police. The language and threats used by Eric come across as exaggerated and melodramatic.
  • The scene lacks a clear escalation of tension and conflict. The sudden burst of gunfire from outside feels contrived and does not flow naturally from the previous events.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Eric's sudden change in demeanor and the assistant manager's compliance, do not feel authentic or believable.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in portraying the characters' emotions and motivations, as well as a more coherent and logical progression of events.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the motivations of the characters, particularly Eric, and ensure that their actions are consistent with their established personalities.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more realistic and grounded, avoiding overly dramatic or exaggerated language.
  • Build tension and conflict gradually throughout the scene, leading to a more impactful climax.
  • Focus on creating authentic and believable interactions between the characters, emphasizing their emotions and reactions in a more nuanced way.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more coherent and logical progression of events, ensuring that each action and decision feels organic and justified.



Scene 35 -  Vault Breakthrough and Lobby Rampage
INT. BANK - CALIBER VAULT - DAY

Zed is sweating as he works away at the back of the door. He

glances over what he's done and makes a calculation on a

calculator.

Then, there is a groaning sound.

Zed, terrified, spins around.
Another groaning sound. The vault security guard isn't dead.

His body is charred and he's not moving but he's very much
91.


alive.

VAULT GUARD #1
[I'm going to die...]

Zed can't believe what he's seeing.

He moves over to the body, leaving his work behind.

VAULT GUARD #1 (CONT'D)
[I'm going to die...please hold
my...hand. I don't...want to
die...alone.]

Zed hovers over the body, afraid to touch it. He gives it a

nudge with his foot.

The body groans and then exhales the longest exhale ever.

Zed kneels down next to the body.

ZED
Are you still there?

Nothing.
Zed puts his hand to the neck of the vault guard #1 and

checks for a pulse.

Nothing.

Zed sits there for a moment looking at the corpse, then, like

he wants to get out of there as soon as possible, he

scrambles to the door and starts adjusting several switches.

He has wired a battery to two leads. He takes out a wire

cutter and snips a wire.

There is a sudden barrage of whirring and clicking sounds as

the vault unlocks.

Zed calls to Oliver from the passage.


INT. BANK - STORAGE/ELEVATOR AREA - DAY
Oliver is staring at the dead bodies of the manager and sub
92.


lobby teller.

ZED(O.S.)
(distant, calling from the
vault)
Oliver, now! Open the vault!

Oliver turns the large wheel and opens the Caliber vault

door.

With some amount of energy the door opens. Standing inside

is Zed.

ZED (CONT'D)
Open seasame.

He steps out of the vault.

ZED (CONT'D)
Do you want to give me a hand?

OLIVER
Sure.
Oliver puts his gun down and they go into the Calibre vault.


INT. BANK - CALIBER VAULT - DAY

Oliver sees the huge platen of gold bricks. Zed puts his

steel briefcase on top of it.

OLIVER
Holy mother.

ZED
Here, help me with this.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Eric slams the phone down and then in a fit of rage tears the

phone from the wall.

ERIC
Merde!

He grabs his machine gun and aims it at the sub lobby guard
93.


#2.

The sub lobby guard #2 braces himself for gunfire.

Eric fires into him. He is dead instantly.

Everybody screams.

Eric fires into his dead corpse until his gun runs out of

bullets.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[That's what you get!]

Claude puts his hand on Eric's shoulder.

CLAUDE
Eric.

Eric looks at him.

ERIC
[The fucking police won't budge. I
kill a man and they don't care.
They say they don't make deals with
terrorists. It really fucks up my
plan.]

CLAUDE
[And what if we gave up?]

Eric can't believe this.

ERIC
(laughing)
[Claude, look around you. We're
not talking prison here. You know.
The cops will give in. You start
killing women...they give in.
They're all so fucking much in love
with women!]

Then he looks at Zoey.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[What are you looking at you
fucking whore?]

She doesn't want to say a thing that'll upset him.
94.


ERIC (CONT'D)
[Are you afraid I'll tell these
people that this is only a day job
for you?]

She shakes her head "no".

ERIC (CONT'D)
[What? So they know that you're a--
]

The sub lobby assistant speaks up.

SUB LOBBY ASSISTANT
[Leave her alone.]

Eric cracks the butt of his gun into the man's face.

ERIC
[Shut up!]

He clicks another clip into the Uzi and grabs Zoey by the

collar and lifts her to her feet.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[My only mistake was not to make an
example of a woman to begin with.]

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Zed finds the barely alive vault guard and unlocks the vault with Oliver's assistance. Eric engages in a violent rampage in the lobby, expressing his fury towards the authorities and hostages. Claude fails to reason with Eric, while Zoey faces threats and insults.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Negative character behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, violence, and emotional turmoil, making it a compelling and impactful moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong, with characters facing unexpected challenges and escalating danger, is well-executed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with a clear progression of events leading to a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the internal struggles and moral conflicts of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and motivations that drive their actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their behavior and decisions as the situation escalates, showing the impact of the high-stakes scenario on their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal is to survive the heist and escape the dangerous situation. This reflects his fear of death and desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully rob the bank and escape with the loot. This reflects the immediate challenge of executing the heist amidst unexpected obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and making difficult decisions under pressure.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and conflicting goals. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with characters facing life-or-death situations and making critical choices that will determine their fates.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome in the following scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to unexpected plot twists, character decisions, and escalating conflicts. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral values and the consequences of his criminal actions. Eric's disregard for human life and his violent behavior challenge the protagonist's beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters in peril.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and escalating the conflict in a realistic and engaging way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The suspenseful atmosphere keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency, escalating tension, and balancing action with character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene transitions, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, action sequences, and character interactions. The pacing and formatting enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with a disjointed flow of events that make it confusing for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters speaking in a way that doesn't feel authentic or believable.
  • The violence and aggression in the scene seem excessive and gratuitous, without serving a clear narrative purpose.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or care about their actions.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance, relying too heavily on shock value and graphic imagery to create tension and drama.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the characters and their motivations to create a more engaging and relatable story.
  • Streamline the plot and dialogue to ensure clarity and coherence in the scene.
  • Consider toning down the violence and aggression to create a more nuanced and impactful narrative.
  • Add layers of complexity and depth to the characters to make them more compelling and multidimensional.
  • Work on creating a more subtle and nuanced approach to building tension and drama in the scene.



Scene 36 -  Gold Theft and Hostage Crisis Escalate
INT. BANK - CALIBER VAULT - DAY

Zed takes the dolly and starts wheeling the platen of gold

out. Oliver helps him.

OLIVER
This is unbelievable. Look at all
of this. It's wonderful to touch.

ZED
Just help me steer this out.

They maneuver out of the Calibre vault.


INT. BANK - STORAGE/ELEVATOR AREA - DAY

They come out of the Calibre vault with the huge platen.
95.


OLIVER
Do you think we should get some
cash also?

ZED
What for?

OLIVER
Well, you never know.

They start maneuvering the platen toward an elevator.

ZED
Money is too easily traceable.
You'd never be able to spend it.
And forget about exchanging it.

OLIVER
That's true.

ZED
No sir. Your best bet is to get
these bars melted down in Tunisia
or Korea.

OLIVER
Eric knows someone in Portugal.

ZED
Or Portugal.

They get into the banks private freight elevator.


INT. BANK - FREIGHT ELEVATOR - DAY

Zed closes the door and pushes the button to go up to the

ground floor.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Eric is dragging Zoey by the hair toward the door when she

grabs his groin and starts squeezing.

Eric lets out a shrill scream and whacks the butt of the Uzi

into her face.

But she won't let go. Her years as a prostitute have taught
96.


her to ignore pain.

She grabs hold of the gun hand.

ERIC
(groaning)
[You fucking bitch!]

A few bursts of the Uzi go off and one shell stitches Eric's

foot red.

Eric lets go and falls to the ground.

Claude, Jean, and Francois suddenly become attentive to

what's going on.

Zoey starts firing the Uzi but can't control it. She showers

the room with bullets. She starts to run toward the back

office blindly firing the gun in the direction of Claude,

Eric, Francois, Jean, and the other hostages.

Then, a tear gas cannister break through the top windows and

start clouding the place up.

Eric whips out his switch blade and hops on his bloody red

foot.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Bitch!]

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary As the gold theft unfolds, a violent struggle erupts between Eric and Zoey, leading to gunfire and chaos. Eric subdues Zoey, but the situation becomes even more volatile when tear gas fills the bank.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Negative sentiment

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with a well-executed build-up of tension and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is well-developed and executed with intense action and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation of a heist in a bank vault, with characters discussing melting down stolen gold bars in different countries. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in their behavior and decisions due to the escalating situation, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully steal the gold platen and navigate the situation without getting caught. This reflects their desire for wealth and success in criminal activities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape with the stolen gold platen and avoid getting caught by the authorities or other criminals. This reflects the immediate challenge of executing a successful heist.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes and drives the narrative forward with intense confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Zoey's unpredictable actions and the tear gas cannister adding obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters face life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, such as Zoey firing the Uzi uncontrollably and the tear gas cannister breaking through the windows.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the characters' moral values and their criminal actions. The protagonist's willingness to steal and engage in illegal activities challenges traditional societal values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and suspense, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, adding to the overall intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, tense dialogue, and high stakes of the heist. The reader is drawn into the suspenseful situation and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense throughout the heist, with a balance of action and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with the setup of the heist, execution of the plan, and conflict with opposing forces.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with a disjointed flow of events that make it confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in the interactions between Eric and Zoey.
  • The violence and aggression in the scene feel gratuitous and do not serve a clear narrative purpose.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The transition between different locations within the bank is abrupt and disorienting, making it hard to follow the action.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and cohesive storyline for the scene to give it purpose and direction.
  • Work on creating more realistic and meaningful dialogue that adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.
  • Consider toning down the violence and aggression to ensure it serves a narrative purpose and does not come across as gratuitous.
  • Add emotional depth and character development to make the audience care about the characters and their actions.
  • Improve the transitions between different locations within the bank to create a smoother flow of events and make it easier for the audience to follow the action.



Scene 37 -  Elevator Shootout
INT. BANK - FREIGHT ELEVATOR - DAY

Zed is waiting for the elevator to arrive.

ZED
Do we have a covering of some kind?

OLIVER
A what?

ZED
You know. Something to cover this
with.
(MORE)
97.

ZED (CONT'D)
It'll look kind of conspicuous
leaving the bank with a platten of
gold.

OLIVER
Oh, it won't matter. The police
know what we're up too.

ZED
Police?! What do you mean they
know what we're up too?

OLIVER
You don't know? We've been
discovered. But Eric has them under
control.

Zed is frantic.

ZED
No I didn't know! How many police?

OLIVER
The building is surrounded.

The elevator doors open onto the ground floor to the sound of

automatic gunfire. Zed walks out into the back office.


INT. BANK - BACK OFFICE - DAY

Suddenly, from the back office, Zed sees Zoey blasting away

an Uzi and running toward the rear stairwell. Eric is in the

lobby limping around. The other gang members are ducking

from her fire.

Then, her clip runs out.

She sees Zed, their eyes lock. An IMAGE overcomes Zed. She

runs down the stairs to the back.

ERIC
Kill her! Kill her!

Oliver aims his gun to fire and Zed pushes it up. Oliver's

gun discharges into the ceiling. Oliver and Zed begin to

struggle.
98.


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Zed and Oliver collapse out of the back office and into the

lobby. They tumble onto the floor. Eric hobbles over to

them, his gun aimed at Zed.

ERIC
What the fuck are you doing!?

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

Zoe is near tears. She drops the empty machine gun to the

floor and starts walking toward the sub lobby.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Eric leans down to talk to Zed. Oliver and Jean are

watching. Francois and Claude are more worried about the

tear gas.

CLAUDE
[They're trying to smoke us out
Eric!]

FRANCOIS
[What do we do!?]

Eric waves them off with a brush of his hand. He's

concentrating on Zed.

ERIC
Do you really love your bitch whore
girlfriend that much? She's really
fucked with your mind.

ZED
Eric...what are you talking about?

Eric lifts him to his feet and holds him up against the

knife. He turns him toward the smoke and whispers into his
99.


ear.

ERIC
Look at it. It's all for us. The
smoke. The attention. They have no
idea of who they're dealing with.
They have no idea what kind of men
we are.

ZED
(thinking Eric is a
madman)
What kind of men are we?

Eric looks at him and gives him a soft kiss on the cheek.

ERIC
You can no longer be in our club.
You forfeit your cut of the pie.

Zed laughs, there's not gonna be much of a pie to eat.

ZED
What about our friendship?

ERIC
Shit Zed. I haven't seen you in
years. You hardly know me.

He slashes Zed across the face with the switchblade. Zed

falls backwards and tumbles down the stairs like a rag doll.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Never let a girl come between two
men.

He walks down the hall toward the gold.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Now let's try to get out of here.

Eric walks into the back office. The others look at each

other.

Suddenly a black figure runs across the bank behind the

shadows, Francois sees it and nervously fires.

In the background the distinctive sound of European police
sirens wail as more cars pull up to the outside of the bank.
100.


Also, an UNINTELLIGIBLE VOICE is blaring orders over a

bullhorn.

FRANCOIS
[The police! They're entering the
building!]

Suddenly all of them start firing like blindly into the

smoke.

Francois runs back to Eric who has walked up to the elevator

via the back office.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a chaotic elevator standoff, Oliver reveals the police presence to Zed. They witness Zoey's arrival, and Oliver attempts to shoot her, but Zed intervenes. Their struggle leads to a fatal confrontation in the lobby. Eric, overcome by jealousy, attacks Zed, leading to his fall down the stairs. Amidst the smoke and gunfire, the gang members engage in a desperate escape attempt as the police close in.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Chaotic pacing
  • Excessive violence
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with intense action, emotional turmoil, and high stakes. The chaotic nature of the bank heist and the character dynamics make it a compelling and gripping scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed well, with a focus on the escalating tension, conflicting motivations of the characters, and the high stakes involved. The scene effectively conveys the chaos and danger of the situation.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The escalating conflict, unexpected events, and character interactions drive the narrative forward and maintain a high level of tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on the internal conflicts and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations, conflicts, and relationships add depth to the scene. The dynamics between the gang members, the hostages, and the police create a complex web of interactions that heighten the drama.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Zed, who experiences betrayal, violence, and loss. The events in the bank heist challenge the characters' beliefs, loyalties, and morals, leading to transformative moments.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal is to survive the heist and escape the bank without getting caught or harmed. This reflects his fear of being discovered by the police and his desire to protect himself and his friends.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the police and successfully complete the heist. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving internal conflicts within the gang, conflicts with the hostages, and conflicts with the police. The escalating tension and violence heighten the stakes and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles, betrayals, and conflicts that challenge their goals and motivations. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' fates and choices.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with lives on the line, a violent confrontation with the police, and the fate of the characters hanging in the balance. The intense action, danger, and uncertainty create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the bank heist takes a dramatic turn with unexpected events, escalating conflicts, and high stakes. The revelations, betrayals, and actions of the characters propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, betrayals, and character motivations that drive the narrative. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, betrayal, and the consequences of criminal actions. Eric's actions challenge Zed's beliefs about friendship and loyalty, leading to a conflict of values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, tension, and empathy for the characters caught in the chaotic situation. The violence, betrayal, and desperation of the characters elicit strong emotional responses from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes situation and the emotions running high among the characters. The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency, fear, and aggression present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful moments, and emotional conflicts between the characters. The high stakes and fast-paced narrative keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense, maintaining tension, and escalating the action. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a heist genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist genre, with a buildup of tension, a confrontation with the police, and a dramatic resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It jumps between different characters and locations without a clear throughline.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with some lines coming across as forced or unrealistic.
  • The action sequences are chaotic and difficult to follow, making it hard for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The emotional beats of the scene, such as Zed and Oliver's struggle and Eric's confrontation with Zed, feel rushed and underdeveloped.
  • There is a lack of tension and suspense in the scene, despite the high stakes and intense situation.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the scene by focusing on one central conflict or interaction to make it more coherent.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and relationships more clearly to create depth and emotional resonance.
  • Streamline the action sequences to make them more engaging and easier to follow.
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to make it feel more natural and authentic.
  • Build tension and suspense throughout the scene by pacing the reveals and character interactions effectively.



Scene 38 -  Bank Heist: Deadly Confrontation
INT. BANK - FREIGHT ELEVATOR - DAY

Eric caresses his hand across the bars of gold.

ERIC
(to himself)
[Smoother and more giving than the
most selfless human being. You're
beautiful.]

Francois runs in.

FRANCOIS
[Eric!]

ERIC
[Jesus, what now?]

FRANCOIS
[The police are coming in! We're
doomed!]

ERIC
[Get a hostage.]

FRANCOIS
(frantic)
[They don't give a fuck about the
hostages!]

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Jean becomes a berzerker and runs out into a cloud of smoke
101.


and throws the tear gas container into the thick cloud.

Then he turns to the police and holds his own gun to his

head.

JEAN
[Don't make me!]

A single bullet passes through his torso. As Jean falls to

the ground he lets loose a round of gunfire into the ceiling.

Oliver is still firing, his face is red like a crazed man.

From behind the counter the sub lobby assistant grabs a hold

of Claude and wrestles him to the ground.

The other customers start to flee for cover.

Oliver sees the fracas between the sub lobby assistant and

Claude. It looks like the sub lobby assistant is getting the

upper hand. Oliver swings his gun around and sprays machine

gun fire at them...killing them both.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Inside the bank, Eric cherishes gold bars while Francois alerts him about the approaching police. Eric orders a hostage, but Francois believes it's futile. In the lobby, Jean turns violent, threatening police with his gun, resulting in his death and gunfire piercing the ceiling. Oliver's rampage continues, killing both the sub lobby assistant and Claude despite the assistant's attempt to subdue Claude.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Chaotic pacing
  • Excessive violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with intense action and high stakes. The emotional impact and chaotic nature of the events keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed well, with a focus on intense action and high stakes. The scene effectively conveys the chaos and tension of the situation.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged. The escalating conflict and high stakes drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on a bank robbery scenario, with unexpected twists and morally complex characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions drive the plot forward. Each character's motivations and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their actions and decisions under pressure. These changes drive the plot forward and add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Eric's internal goal is to survive the bank robbery and protect himself. This reflects his fear of death and desire to escape the situation unharmed.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to outsmart the police and escape with the stolen goods. This reflects the immediate challenge of law enforcement closing in on them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the narrative forward. The escalating tensions and violent actions create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and uncertain outcomes.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line and the police closing in. The intense action and violence raise the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with major developments in the heist and the characters' fates. The escalating conflict and high stakes propel the narrative towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' unexpected actions and the escalating chaos of the bank robbery.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between survival at all costs and the value of human life. Characters are forced to make difficult decisions that challenge their beliefs and morals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters. The high stakes and violent actions heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and serves to heighten the tension in the scene. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast pace, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and keeping the action moving at a rapid pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a high-stakes action scene, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a suspenseful and action-packed structure, building tension and escalating conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It is unclear why Eric is caressing the gold bars and what his emotional state is at this moment.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth. The interactions between Eric, Francois, and Jean could be more impactful and meaningful.
  • The transition between the freight elevator and the lobby is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The actions of Jean becoming a berserker and holding a gun to his head seem extreme and could be better justified or explained within the context of the story.
  • The violence and chaos in the scene are overwhelming and may benefit from more nuanced storytelling to convey the tension effectively.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Eric's emotional state and intentions with the gold bars to provide more depth to his character.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more engaging and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Consider a smoother transition between the freight elevator and the lobby to improve the scene's coherence.
  • Provide more context or backstory to justify Jean's extreme actions and make them more believable within the narrative.
  • Balance the violence and chaos with moments of introspection or character development to enhance the impact of the scene.



Scene 39 -  Reunion in the Sub-Lobby
INT. BANK - SUB LOBBY - DAY

Zoe walks up the stairs out, not only are they locked but a

cloud of tear gas is pouring into the downstairs sub lobby.

Suddenly, Zed stumbles in.

Zed is like a zombie. Then he notices Zoe in the stairwell.

They lock eyes.

ZED
(almost delerious)
Zoe...

She steps down into the sub lobby, machine guns crackle in

the background. She runs up to him just as he slumps to the

ground.
102.


ZOE
(holding him)
My Zed. They've hurt you.

She dabs a cloth to his cut face. He holds it on.

ZOE (CONT'D)
(trying to comfort him)
You're going to be okay. In many
countries scars on the face are a
symbol of heroism. To proudly
display a flaw like a badge...is to
wear a badge of truth.

He takes her hand.

ZED
Be serious Zoe...I can stick my
tongue through my cheek.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

The police are now laying it on heavy. Francois comes out of
the office.

FRANCOIS
Oliver! Let's get a hostage!

OLIVER
This is the end!

Francois is ripped into by machine gun fire.

Oliver races past him.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - SUB LOBBY - DAY

Tear gas is starting to fill the room.

Zoe stands Zed up.

ZOE
Listen to me. We're going to lock
ourselves into one of the air tight
vaults...if any of them are still
open.
103.


They start walking toward the reserve vault area.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - FREIGHT ELEVATOR - DAY

Eric hops into the elevator and closes the door, just as

Oliver runs up, firing toward the police.

Eric is laughing manically as he leaves them behind.

OLIVER
Bastard!

Oliver turns to where the police will surely be coming in.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA - DAY

Zoey and Zed rush into the reserve vault area. Zoey notices

that the downstairs reserve vault is closed.

ZOE
Merde! The vault has been closed.

ZED
What about the others?

The gunfire upstairs has subsided and has been replaced by

unintelligible POLICE VOICES.

ZOE
Listen...there's no gunfire.

Zoey quietly opens the door opposite the vault that leads to

the rear stairs to the lobby level.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Zoe and Zed reunite in the sub-lobby, which is filled with tear gas and gunfire. Zed has been injured, and Zoe comforts him. Oliver attempts to take a hostage in the lobby but is killed. Eric escapes in a freight elevator, leaving Oliver behind. Zoe and Zed realize that the downstairs reserve vault is closed and there is no gunfire upstairs. Zoe opens the door to the rear stairs to the lobby level.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Chaotic pacing
  • Some unclear character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, action, and drama. The intense conflict and high stakes keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong is executed well, with a focus on escalating tension, violent confrontations, and the imminent threat of the police. The use of tear gas adds a unique element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The escalating conflict and high stakes drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as tear gas, machine guns, and characters facing moral dilemmas in a bank robbery scenario. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions and motivations are clear. The interactions between the characters add depth to the scene and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes in the scene, with their actions and decisions driven by the escalating conflict and high stakes. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Zoe's internal goal is to protect and comfort Zed, showing her care and concern for him in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find safety and escape the dangerous situation in the bank.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with characters facing off against each other and against external threats. The high stakes and escalating tension create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening situations and difficult decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, betrayal, and the imminent threat of the police. The high stakes add urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with new developments, twists, and revelations that impact the overall narrative. The escalating tension and high stakes drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between survival and morality, as characters are forced to make difficult decisions in a life-threatening situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and suspense. The dramatic events and character interactions heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and reflects the high-stress situation the characters are in. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action sequence in a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense action sequence in a screenplay, with clear action and dialogue beats.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It is unclear why Zed is stumbling in like a zombie and why Zoe is comforting him.
  • The dialogue between Zed and Zoe feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional authenticity.
  • The transition between the sub lobby and the lobby is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the action.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense, failing to build up to a climactic moment or resolution.
  • The use of tear gas and machine gun fire feels cliched and lacks originality, detracting from the impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and actions to make the scene more engaging and coherent.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Smooth out the transition between different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Build up the tension and suspense to create a more impactful and memorable moment.
  • Consider exploring more unique and original elements to enhance the scene and make it stand out.



Scene 40 -  Violent Confrontation in the Bank
INT. BANK - REAR STAIRS TO LOBBY - DAY

Zoey peeks up the stairs just in time to see Oliver bolt for

the stairs.

OLIVER
(to police)
Motherfuckers!
104.


A volly of gunfire rips into Oliver but he stands his ground

and fires into the police.

OLIVER (CONT'D)
You wanna fuck with me? You wanna
fuck with me? I'll show you who
you're fucking with!

He starts blasting away.

Terrified, Zoey leads Zed to the storage/elevator area.

ZOEY
C'mon, we'll be safer in here.

CUT TO:


INT. BANK - STORAGE/ELEVATOR AREA - DAY

The elevator door opens, Eric steps out and looks around like

a caged animal.

ERIC
[Think!]

Then, Zed and Zoey appear from the hall to the reserve vault

area.

Eric turns to them with his gun raised, when he sees them he

lowers it.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Zed.

They all stand there for a moment, the gunfire cracking away

upstairs. Eric is more casual than he should be.

ERIC (CONT'D)
(matter-of-factly)
What's your girlfriends name?

ZED
Zoe.

ERIC
Zoe.
(to Zoey in French)
[Zoe, come here to me.]
105.


Zoey spits at him.

Eric laughs and aims the gun at her.

ERIC (CONT'D)
[Killing you would just be gravy,
so don't fuck with me.]

ZOEY
[Go ahead you slob. Shave my ass!]

Eric smashes the side of her face with the gun and then grabs

a hold of her arm.

Zed tries to stop Eric but Eric aims the gun at him.

ERIC
Zed no. I'll kill you. It means
nothing to me, our friendship.

ZED
(starting out calm and
then building to a
scream)
Eric...there's no fucking way out
of here!

ERIC
Oh but you're wrong. This is my
way out. This dime store couge with
her motor driven ass. You find
your own.

Zed rushes Eric and Zoey starts scratching. Eric drops the

gun but quickly whips out his knife.

She tries to get away from Eric but he has a hold on her

shirt.

Eric swipes at her with the knife and grazes he back.

Then Eric slashes toward Zed who jumps back.

Zoey falls to the floor.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Come Zed...I'm going to cut you
like a sausage.
Zed is standing between Zoey and Eric.
106.


ZED
Zoey, get out of here!

She scrambles away.

He swipes at Zed.

Zed jumps back down the hall toward the reserve vault area.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Oliver engages in a shootout with the police in the bank's rear stairs while Zoey leads Zed to safety. However, they encounter Eric in the storage/elevator area, who threatens them with a gun and a knife. A tense struggle ensues between Eric, Zed, and Zoey, with Zed trying to protect Zoey from Eric's violence. The scene ends with Zed urging Zoey to escape as he faces off against Eric, who continues to threaten them.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Excessive violence
  • Complexity of action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and emotional intensity. The stakes are high, and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist turning into a violent showdown with the police is executed well, creating a sense of urgency and danger. The idea of betrayal and escalating tensions among the characters adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and gripping, with multiple twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The escalating conflict and high stakes drive the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the bank robbery genre by focusing on the intense interpersonal dynamics and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene. The interactions between the characters create tension and drama, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations. The intense situation forces them to make difficult choices and confront their inner demons.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect themselves and their loved ones in the face of danger. This reflects their deeper need for survival and safety, as well as their fear of losing control in a chaotic situation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the violent situation and survive the confrontation with the antagonist. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of staying alive in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral struggles among the characters. The escalating tensions and violent confrontations drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved, adding to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives on the line and the outcome of the heist hanging in the balance. The intense action and violence raise the stakes even further, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, escalating tensions, and setting the stage for the climax of the narrative. The actions and decisions made by the characters have far-reaching consequences for the plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between power and vulnerability. The antagonist asserts dominance and control through violence, while the protagonist fights for freedom and survival. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, tension, and empathy for the characters in peril. The intense emotions experienced by the characters and the audience heighten the drama and suspense of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes situation the characters are in. The confrontational exchanges add to the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional conflict. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense action and violence, which can be overwhelming for the audience. It may be beneficial to balance the action with moments of tension and suspense to create a more dynamic scene.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Eric and Zoey, is aggressive and confrontational. While this adds to the tension of the scene, it may be helpful to include moments of vulnerability or emotion to make the characters more relatable.
  • The scene lacks clear descriptions of the characters' emotions and motivations, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand their actions. Adding internal monologues or character reflections could provide insight into their thoughts and feelings.
  • The pacing of the scene is fast and chaotic, which can make it challenging for the audience to follow the action. Consider slowing down the pace at key moments to allow for more impactful character interactions and developments.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting. Including details about the surroundings and character movements can help paint a vivid picture for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding moments of vulnerability and emotion to the characters to create a more well-rounded portrayal.
  • Provide clearer descriptions of the characters' emotions and motivations to help the audience understand their actions.
  • Slow down the pacing at key moments to allow for more impactful character interactions and developments.
  • Enhance the scene with more visual descriptions to create a vivid atmosphere and setting.
  • Balance the intense action with moments of tension and suspense to create a more dynamic scene.



Scene 41 -  Violent Confrontation in the Bank Vault
INT. BANK - RESERVE VAULT AREA- DAY

They rush out toward the stairs.

ERIC
Did you see how she ran? Did you
see how she ran? She doesn't care
about you. Fucking pussy only cares
about pussy. Look out for number
one. What do you say Zed?

He swipes again.

ERIC (CONT'D)
I will kill you. And once I kill
you Zed, I'll get out of here.
I'll fuck your bitch up the ass and
give her AIDS...if she doesn't
already have it. What do you say to
that Zed?

He swipes and Zed grabs a hold of the knife by the blade.

Eric pulls it free and the knife falls to the floor.

Zed takes this opportunity and kicks Eric in the face.

Eric reaches for the knife.

Zed, his hand bloody, dives onto Eric.

Zoey also jumps onto them and starts yanking on Eric's hair.

She plunges her nails into his face.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Fucking bitch!

Zed is rabbit punching Eric from underneath.

Then, Eric grabs a hold of Zed's balls and squeezes.
Zed lets out a shrill scream.
107.


Eric starts elbowing Zoey in the face.

The three of them lay there on the floor wriggling like

worms, unable to move because each is putting the other

through such agony.

Then, Oliver, shot up and bloody haplessly stumbles into the

room. His body is a mass of bullet wounds.

OLIVER
Ox! Where is thy yoke!?

He clumsily falls dead to the ground, his shotgun slides near

Zoey, Zed, and Eric.

The sight of the gun gives Eric the strength only a madman

could posses. He rolls over and throws Zoey off him.

Then, he smashes his forehead into Zed's nose, bursting it.

Eric, deftly, rolls over and grabs the gun.

He gets to his feet and cocks the pump action.

ERIC
Fuck both of you.

Then he notices the lack of gunfire upstairs.

Eric turns back to them.

ERIC (CONT'D)
Au revoir.

He aims to kill Zed.

ZOEY
No!

Then, all of the French policemen, decked out in their

assault gear and wearing gas masks, storm down the stairs.

At the sight of Eric about to execute Zed they raise their

guns.
FRENCH POLICEMAN #1
[Stop!]
108.


Eric stops.

It becomes quiet.

Then, Eric looks back down at Zed and braces for the shotgun

kick.

ERIC
I give you little kiss. Ciao.

He squeezes the trigger and...

CLICK
The police open fire with their
French made assault machine guns
and fill Eric with bullets.
Instead of falling he does a
scarecrow dance as his body is
painted red. The wall behind them
explodes as plaster sprays all over
Zed. An IMAGE overcomes Eric.
Eric's dead body slumps to it's
knees and flops on top of Zed. Zed
pushes the body off and tries to
drag himself to Zoey. Zoey runs up
to him and holds him. The police
all charge into the secondary vault
area and secure the downstairs.
Zoey is crying as she holds Zed.
The police have their guns aimed at
the two of them. Zoey looks up.

ZOEY
(to the policemen)
[I work here. This man is a
customer...he needs medical help.]

They take their guns away and kneel next to him, seeing if

he's okay.

FRENCH POLICEMAN #2
[How bad do you think his wounds
are?]

The other policeman, unable to tell because of Eric's blood,

simply shakes his head.

FRENCH POLICEMAN #1
(to Zoey)
[Are you alright?]
109.


Zoey starts to cry.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Eric threatens Zed and Zoey, leading to a violent fight. Oliver arrives injured and dies. Eric attempts to kill Zed, but French police intervene and shoot Eric dead.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Fast-paced plot
  • Complex characters
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Tragic outcomes
  • Chaotic action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense conflict, emotional depth, and significant character development. It keeps the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist gone wrong, leading to a violent confrontation between the characters, is executed effectively. The scene explores themes of betrayal, desperation, and survival.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, full of twists and turns, and keeps the audience guessing. The escalating tension and dramatic events drive the narrative forward and maintain interest.

Originality: 8

The scene features a unique and intense portrayal of a violent confrontation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience on edge. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships. Their actions and dialogue reveal their personalities and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly Eric, whose descent into violence and madness leads to his tragic demise. The events of the scene challenge the characters' beliefs and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect themselves and their loved ones. This reflects their primal instinct for self-preservation and the fear of losing everything they hold dear.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the dangerous situation they are in and avoid being harmed or killed. This goal is driven by the immediate threat posed by the antagonist and the need to protect themselves and their companions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral struggles. The high stakes and escalating tension create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant obstacles and challenges that test their resolve and force them to make difficult choices. The unpredictable nature of the conflict adds depth and complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line, intense conflicts, and the outcome of the heist hanging in the balance. The sense of danger and uncertainty adds tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with major developments in the heist plot, character dynamics, and the overall narrative. It sets the stage for the climax and resolution of the story.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, betrayals, and violent actions that occur throughout. The characters' choices and motivations are constantly shifting, keeping the audience guessing and invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of survival, morality, and the consequences of violence. The protagonist is forced to make difficult choices and confront their own values and beliefs in the face of extreme circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tragedy, betrayal, and desperation. The characters' intense emotions and actions evoke strong feelings in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and impactful, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, compelling character dynamics, and high-stakes conflict. The fast-paced action, emotional drama, and unexpected twists keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the situation will unfold.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and momentum, leading to a climactic and impactful resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted in a clear and concise manner, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene, allowing the audience to easily follow the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, building tension and suspense through a series of escalating conflicts and dramatic moments. The action is clearly choreographed, and the dialogue is impactful and engaging, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense violence and aggression, which may be overwhelming for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Eric, Zed, and Zoey is very confrontational and graphic, which may be too explicit for some viewers.
  • The physical altercation between the characters is chaotic and lacks clarity in terms of the action sequences.
  • The scene transitions quickly from one violent act to another, without giving the audience time to process the events.
  • The character motivations and emotions are not fully explored, leading to a lack of depth in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence and aggression to make the scene more palatable for the audience.
  • Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters to create a more engaging and relatable scene.
  • Clarify the action sequences to ensure that the audience can follow the physical altercation between the characters.
  • Provide moments of reflection or introspection for the characters to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Consider adding more context or backstory to explain the characters' motivations and behaviors in the scene.



Scene 42 -  Aftermath of the Bank Robbery
INT. BANK - LOBBY - DAY

Zoey and Zed, bandaged up, are being aided by all of the

French policemen as they walk through the bank.

Smoke is still clearing, but the bodies of customers and bank

robbers alike litter the area.

PARAMEDIC's, wearing all white, try to help the injured, they

assist Zed and Zoey.

FRENCH POLICEMAN #1
(to Zoey and Zed)
[There's an ambulance outside.]
(he looks around)
[My God. What a Bastille Day.]

Zed's attention is caught by two OTHER POLICEMEN carrying a

body bag.

FRENCH POLICEMAN #3
(to French policeman #1)
[This one's the ringmaster. We
need an

I.D.]
No longer interested in Zoey or
Zed, he goes to check out the body.

ZOEY
The hospital?

ZED
No.

ZOEY
Come on. I have a car.

Zoey puts her arm around Zed and helps him out of the

bank...never to return.

DISSOLVE TO:
110.


INT. ZOEY'S CAR - MOVING - DAY

Zoey is driving. Zed looks like he's been in a burning

building.

ZED
I'm so tired.

ZOEY
We'll go to my flat. You can rest
there. Do you feel pain?

ZED
No...it was mostly his blood.

ZOEY
I have a shower. You can clean up
there.

ZED
Thank you Zoe.

He looks at her.

ZOEY
My name is not Zoe. Not any more.

He looks forward at the streets of Paris.

ZOEY (CONT'D)
You'll get well. Then I'll show
you the real Paris.

They drive away.


THE END
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the aftermath of a bank robbery, injured survivors Zed and Zoey are assisted by French policemen and paramedics. The scene is chaotic, with bodies scattered around the bank lobby. As they are helped out of the bank, Zed recognizes the body of the robber leader. Zoey suggests going to the hospital, but Zed declines, suggesting her flat instead. They leave the bank together, haunted by the trauma they have experienced.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Violent content
  • Complex plot
  • Multiple character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and filled with conflict, moving the story forward while showcasing the aftermath of a violent event. The high stakes and character changes add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a bank robbery and the characters' attempts to escape, is well-executed and engaging. It effectively conveys the consequences of the characters' actions.

Plot: 8

The plot is gripping and filled with tension, as the characters navigate the aftermath of the robbery and try to survive. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar setting of a bank robbery, with unique character dynamics and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and show growth, particularly Zed and Zoey. Their interactions and struggles add depth to the scene, making it emotionally impactful.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Zed and Zoey, as they confront the aftermath of the robbery and their own actions. These changes add depth to the characters and the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Zed's internal goal is to find safety and escape the dangerous situation. This reflects his deeper need for survival and security.

External Goal: 7

Zed's external goal is to physically recover from his injuries and find a safe place to rest. This reflects the immediate challenge of his physical condition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing physical and emotional challenges as they try to survive and escape. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and emotional turmoil. The consequences of their actions are significant, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, setting up future conflicts and resolutions while resolving some of the immediate challenges faced by the characters. It keeps the narrative engaging and dynamic.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character revelations and shifting dynamics that keep the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Zoey's past identity as 'Zoe' and her current persona. This challenges Zed's perception of her and his understanding of her true self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, as characters deal with injuries, loss, and the consequences of their actions. It evokes a range of emotions from the audience, making it memorable.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and realistic, reflecting the characters' emotions and the high-stakes situation they are in. It adds to the overall tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional character interactions, and intriguing plot developments that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action with character moments, creating a sense of urgency and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that propel the story forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure for the characters of Zed and Zoey. It feels rushed and leaves the audience wanting more in terms of their emotional journey and the aftermath of the bank robbery.
  • The dialogue between Zoey and Zed feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It could be more impactful by delving into their emotions and the trauma they have just experienced.
  • The transition from the chaotic bank scene to the calm car ride with Zoey feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the psychological impact of the events on Zed and Zoey. More focus on their emotional state and how they are coping with the aftermath would add depth to the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or closure for Zed and Zoey to provide a more satisfying ending for their characters.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Zoey and Zed to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Smooth out the transition between the bank scene and the car ride to maintain the pacing and flow of the story.
  • Explore the emotional aftermath of the bank robbery on Zed and Zoey to add depth and complexity to their characters.
  • Include more visual details to paint a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' emotional state.