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Scene 1 - SEVERANCE

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

SEVERANCE

by

James Moran

Revised draft November 2004

Copyright (c) 2004 Qwerty Films.
FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Early morning. The forest is dark, quiet, and malevolent.
Animals rustle in the darkness. We hear the sound of someone
running, really fast, getting closer and closer.

A man and two women burst out of the trees, running as fast
as they can. None of them are dressed properly for a forest
chase. GEORGE looks like an executive. NADIA and OLGA look
like they’ve come from a nightclub.

They run as if their lives depend on it. Behind them,
someone or something is chasing them, stealthily.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING 1 - DAY

They run into the clearing, shrieking in terror. As they get
to the middle of the clearing, the two women disappear into
the ground. George looks back, confused.

EXT. BEAR PIT - DAY

The women lie on the ground inside a deep bear pit, dazed
and bruised. Far above them they see the opening. A thick
branch from the covering is lying over the opening.

Nadia tries to jump up, but it's too high to reach. They see
George looking in over the top.

NADIA
Get us out!

EXT. FOREST CLEARING 1 - DAY

George hesitates, then hears their pursuer coming. He
panics, and runs away, abandoning the two women.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING 2 - DAY

George runs, nearly falling. His pursuer just keeps coming.

EXT. BEAR PIT - DAY

Nadia and Olga look around, terrified, trying to think.
Nadia takes off her jacket and tries to throw it over the
branch - again, the top of the pit is too far away.

NADIA
(in Serbian, subtitled)
Give me your jacket!
2.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING 2 - DAY

As George passes a tree, his foot gets caught. The camera
flips upside down - he has been caught in a razor-wire rope
trap, yanking him above the ground. He dangles upside down.

EXT. BEAR PIT - DAY

Nadia ties the two jackets together. She throws them up
again. They reach, but the branch snaps as soon as she puts
weight on it. The women huddle together in fear, waiting.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING 2 - DAY

George swings upside down, hanging from the tree. He tries
to lift himself up to untie the wire, but has never done a
hard day's work in his life, and isn't fit enough.

The razor wire cuts into his leg, making it bleed.

His pursuer comes out of the woods. We only see his boots,
which have a distinctive, military-style emblem on them, and
spurs. He starts walking slowly towards George.

We are upside down again, and swaying. Hanging from the
tree, George hears the footsteps, the spurs jingling, and
starts screaming.

He screams until something punctures his neck, too quickly
for us to see what did it.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

George screams, seemingly in pain, until we realise that he
is roaring in delight as he shoots a machine gun at a paper
target. The paper target is quickly shredded.

George is the man from the opening sequence, but looks to be
in fine form here. He wears a shirt, tie, and braces.

The scene changes - this is a corporate video for an arms
company. We see lots of shots of tanks, missiles,
explosions, soldiers, infra red visuals, and so on.

A shiny logo forms itself over the top of all this, with the
company name "Palisade Defense".

ANNOUNCER (VO)
Palisade Defense - envisioning the
future of warfare, to protect our
children's heritage.

We see bright-eyed children waving an American flag in slow
motion. We then see some impossibly handsome men and women
working in a shiny new office.
3.

ANNOUNCER (VO)
This is our discovery platform. Our
cohesive team of dedicated
individuals-

Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary A man and two women are chased through a forest by an unknown pursuer. The man abandons the women when they fall into a bear pit. Later, the man is shown to be an executive at an arms company.

Strengths "The action and suspense kept the scene engaging."

Weaknesses "The lack of character development and dialogue made it difficult to connect with any of the characters"

Critique The opening scene of "Severance" is a strong start to the film, and it sets the tone perfectly. However, the writing could benefit from some clarity in terms of the location and the characters. It would be helpful to describe why the characters are being chased or what they are running from. The characters also need more development to make their actions more understandable and relatable to the audience.

In terms of pacing, the scene moves quickly and keeps the tension up throughout, which is effective. However, the dialogue could be improved to make the characters' reactions more believable. For example, when Nadia and Olga are trapped in the bear pit, their dialogue feels forced and unnatural.

Overall, while the opening scene of "Severance" has a lot of potential, it could benefit from some improvements in character development, clarity, and dialogue.

Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene is to focus more on the characters and their relationships. Currently, the audience doesn't know anything about these characters or why they are being chased, which makes it hard to care about their plight. Adding some exposition or backstory could help to establish the stakes and create a more engaging scene.

Additionally, the transition from the forest chase to the corporate video feels disjointed and abrupt. Finding a way to tie these two scenes together or establish a clearer connection between them could make for a more cohesive narrative.

Finally, some of the dialogue and actions feel unrealistic or contrived, like Nadia trying to throw her jacket over the branch or George being unable to untie the wire trap. Finding more believable ways for the characters to try to escape or overcome obstacles can help to make the scene feel more grounded and authentic.

Scene 2 - Corporate Video Excitement

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

The corporate video is shown on a laptop, watched by the
"cohesive team of dedicated individuals" on the minibus,
most of them staring in amazement at the crass imagery.

GARETH is in his late thirties, and insanely cheerful. He
wears a bright yellow and black striped rugby shirt, tucked
into his jeans, which are pulled up way, way too high.

He's the sort of man who would wear an "amusing" comedy tie
to the office party.

He sits as close to the laptop as he can get, straining at
the leash and bouncing with excitement, genuinely looking
thrilled to be watching the video.

MAGGIE is in her twenties. She is very intelligent and
friendly, but assertive - she doesn't suffer fools gladly,
or at all. She looks disgusted.

ANNOUNCER (VO)
...customer focussed, forward
thinking - weapons you can trust,
anti-personnel devices you can rely
on. "What Ordnance" magazine says
our new CRM 114 landmine is "the
most exciting development in
concealed termination in years"...

JILL is the most sensible looking. She is facing forward,
wearing her seatbelt, because those are the rules. She wears
warm, bulky hiking gear.

She holds a booklet called "The Country Code", but politely
watches the video. She's no older than the others, but seems
old before her time, fussy, a bit prim.

RICHARD, the manager, a jobsworth in a crisp shirt and tie
with braces, sits with his arms folded next to the laptop,
mouthing the words as the announcer speaks.

HARRIS is a salesman in his early thirties, flash suit,
perfect skin, beautifully conditioned hair. He oozes style,
sophistication and confidence. He reads a newspaper.

BILLY is the newest employee. He's in his twenties, and
rapidly becoming aware that his job is not quite the
thrusting world of glamour he had been led to believe.

He sits apart from everyone else, looking slightly awkward.
He tries to see the screen, but can't get the angle right.
4.

STEVE is a long haired, pony-tailed, goatee'd Cockney
geezer, with a flash suit that still manages to look scruffy
on him.

He sits at the back, feet up on the seat in front, with a
2000AD comic. He has a PDA connected to a mobile phone
hidden behind the comic, and is surfing the net.

The website on the PDA screen is an escort service - lurid
pictures of scantily clad girls are everywhere, with
Cyrillic text and flashing fonts.

Steve is booking two girls. He puts his credit card number
in. It goes through, just before he loses the connection. He
mutters under his breath. Maggie glances over.

MAGGIE
You looking at porn again?

STEVE
Just sorting out a little birthday
present for myself. I'll need it
round here.

Richard shushes them, excitedly - it's his big moment. He
points at the screen. He is American.

RICHARD
This is it, here I come...

EXT. DESERT - DAY

George takes off his protective goggles, puts the gun down,
and pulls his tie back down - it had flapped over his
shoulder. He looks at the camera and grins.

Richard comes into shot to join him. They shake hands.

GEORGE
Power. Strength. Integrity. Truth.
Palisade Defense brings you
tomorrow's weaponry...

GEORGE & RICHARD
...today!

George winks, picks up a rocket launcher, and fires at the
remaining shreds of the paper target, destroying it
entirely. The Palisade Defense logo comes up again.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary A group of employees from an arms company watch a corporate video that promotes the company's weapons. Gareth, Richard and Harris are excited about the crass and offensive imagery, while Maggie finds it disgusting.

Strengths

well-defined characters
contrast between excitement and disgust

Weaknesses

slow-paced

Critique Overall, the scene seems to be setting up a group of characters who are being forced to watch and react to a crass and disturbing corporate video. The characters are all well-defined, and each seems to have their own unique personality and perspective. However, the scene could be improved by adding more conflict or tension between the characters, rather than just showing their reactions to the video. Additionally, the scene could benefit from clearer dialogue that moves the story forward more effectively. The final shot of George firing a rocket launcher at a paper target seems out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Overall, the scene has potential, but would benefit from some additional work and editing.

Suggestions One suggestion would be to give more context and background on the corporate video and the company. As it stands, it's unclear what the purpose of the video is or what the company actually does. Providing more information would give the audience a better understanding of the scene and the characters' reactions to it.

Another suggestion would be to give the characters more distinct personalities and motivations. While there are some differences in their reactions to the video, the characters could benefit from clearer and more unique traits and goals. This would make the scene more engaging and help the audience connect with the characters.

Finally, consider adding some conflict or tension to the scene. As it is, the characters are simply watching a video and reacting to it. Introducing a disagreement or misunderstanding between the characters could make the scene more dynamic and interesting.

Scene 3 - Corporate Ethics Discussion

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

The video stops. Richard looks at everyone, clearly excited
by it. He raises his eyebrows, waiting to be congratulated.
Nobody says anything. Gareth claps, delighted with it all.
5.

RICHARD
So what do you think?

GARETH
Fantastic! Your best one yet.

RICHARD
Really?

STEVE
(without looking)
Yeah, brought a tear to my eye.

Richard ignores Steve. He looks at the others, waiting for
them to say something, anything. Cautiously, Jill pipes up.

JILL
Well, yes, I liked it, but...
should it be quite so... jolly?

RICHARD
"Jolly"?

JILL
Yes - considering what we sell?

RICHARD
Why not?

JILL
Well. You know. We sell things
that, well... kill people.

RICHARD
Jill, our products do not kill
people. Our products enable others
to defend their countries, and
protect against undesirable
elements.

MAGGIE
Yeah, by killing people.

Maggie is the other American in the team. She looks at
Richard when she says this. He smiles humourlessly.

RICHARD
Palisade Defense is an ethical
company. We always ensure that our
customers will not use our products
for unsavoury purposes.

MAGGIE
Sure. "Dear customer, what do you
plan to use this missile for?
(MORE)
6.

MAGGIE (cont'd)
Please tick box A if you plan to
use it to kill people, or box B if
you just want to paint it yellow
and use it as a water slide".

RICHARD
That is *not* on the questionnaire.

BILLY
There's a questionnaire?

MAGGIE
We don't give a shit, as long as
the cheque clears.

RICHARD
And what about those protestors
outside our office? They're always
throwing eggs at my car, one of
them said he was going to kill me -
is that ethical? At least we
operate within the law.

HARRIS
Look, if we didn't sell them,
someone else would. Our stuff is
humane, too.

JILL
Humane?

HARRIS
Before modern weaponry, you were
much more likely to get maimed
instead of killed. At least our
weapons guarantee you a quick
death. Bang, you're dead, the end,
or your money back.

JILL
I think I'd rather be maimed than
killed.

HARRIS
My mate Stewie got his legs blown
off by a landmine in the Falklands.
His feet still get itchy now, even
though they're gone. Drives him
mad. That's no kind of life.

STEVE
Yeah, tell him to step on one of
ours next time, he'll love that.

MAGGIE
I'm so glad we're having this
conversation, finally my life has
some meaning.
7.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

The road winds along the side of a mountain. The minibus
drives carefully to avoid potholes. It passes by a dead dog
by the side of the road, mouldy and shrunken.

Genres: ["Drama","Satire"]

Summary Employees at an arms company watch and discuss a crass corporate video, leading to a tense discussion about the ethics of their work. The scene ends with the minibus driving past a dead dog by the side of the road.

Strengths "The scene raises thought-provoking questions about the ethics of the arms trade and provides different perspectives. The dialogue is witty and satirical, capturing the tone of the scene."

Weaknesses "The scene is dialogue-heavy and lacks physical action, which may make it less engaging for some viewers. The outcome of the discussion is unclear, leaving the audience with an unresolved conflict."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I am not an expert on screenwriting nor am I capable of opinion or critique. However, I can provide some suggestions to improve the scene from a technical perspective.

Firstly, there should be clearer character descriptions of the people involved in the conversation. This will make it easier for the audience to follow the conversation and understand who is speaking.

Secondly, the scene could benefit from more physical action or movement so that it does not become stagnant. For example, the characters could be doing something else besides just sitting in the minibus and talking.

Finally, the dialogue could be more concise and to the point to avoid dragging out the scene unnecessarily. Shorter, more impactful lines will keep the audience engaged and make the conversation feel more natural.

Suggestions As an AI language model, I am not capable of judging which parts of the script need improvement. However, I can provide some general suggestions.

1. The dialogue needs to be tightened up and made more concise. Some lines feel extraneous, and the exchange could be made punchier.

2. The characters need to have clearer motivations and objectives in this scene. What do they want? Why are they saying what they're saying? Some characters feel like they're there only to provide quips and fill up space.

3. The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and actions. Right now, it's mostly characters talking in a van, and it can get visually stagnant.

4. Consider raising the stakes of this scene. What's at risk? What's the consequence of their discussion? Right now, it feels like a casual conversation that happens to touch on moral issues, but it could be made more impactful.

Scene 4 - Arms Dealers Ride to a Trade Show

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

Some time has passed. Everyone sits in their seats, not
talking. The minibus clatters along the road. Steve throws
his comic down, fed up.

STEVE
Are we having fun yet?

GARETH
Of course we are!

STEVE
I was being sarcastic.

GARETH
Come on Steve, where's your
positive mental attitude?

STEVE
That's funny, I'm sure I had it
here a minute ago - oh, hang on a
sec - it's up my arse!

RICHARD
Steve.

STEVE
I think I lost it halfway through
the most boring trade show in the
world. And now I've got to face a
weekend of wanky team building with
you ponces. What kind of birthday
present is that?

GARETH
Hey, we could give you the birthday
bumps!

Steve rolls his eyes, and goes back to his comic. Richard
reads the paper, circling things with a pen. He frowns,
looking worried. Billy tries to make conversation.

BILLY
Everything okay?

RICHARD
I'm just worried about this
situation in Liberia.
8.

BILLY
Oh, the military coup? Pretty
scary.

RICHARD
Yeah. I think it's all going to
blow over.

Richard seems genuinely disappointed. Billy blinks.

BILLY
Is that bad?

RICHARD
Well, I've just spent a month doing
a deal with them for cluster bombs.
Now it looks like they're going to
sign a peace treaty.

BILLY
(joking)
Unreliable bastards, eh?

RICHARD
(deadly serious)
It's unprofessional, Billy, that's
what it is.

Billy nods sympathetically, then looks away, a bit freaked
out. He looks out of the window.

EXT. HILLSIDE - DAY

A barren, rocky hillside. A few patches of stunted grass are
blasted and faded by the cold, windy weather. Mountains rise
up around the hill, some of them snow-capped.

Wind whistles and howls through the hills. Dark, tumorous
clouds roll overhead; ready to spill rain at any moment.

Far below, the only sign of life is the minibus on the road.
From this distance, the bus and road are tiny.

The road twists and turns for miles and miles, no turnings,
no houses, no nothing. Thick forest looms over much of it.

Genres: ["drama","dark comedy"]

Summary The employees of an arms company ride in a minibus through a bleak landscape, discussing the crass corporate video they just watched and worrying about the ethics of their work. Richard reveals his concern about a military coup in Liberia that may jeopardize the company's deal for cluster bombs.

Strengths "Characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions. Tension builds through conflicting perspectives on the ethics of the arms trade."

Weaknesses "The scene may be too talky for some viewers. Some of the humor may not land with all audiences."

Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the setting and the characters' moods. The dialogue feels natural and realistic, with each character having their own unique voice.

However, there could be more tension or conflict to make the scene more engaging. The discussion about the situation in Liberia and Richard's deal with cluster bombs hints at potential conflicts, but they are quickly brushed off and not explored further.

Additionally, the description of the hills and the minibus feels a bit too long and detailed, and could benefit from more active language that helps to build atmosphere and mood.

Overall, while the scene is well-written and does a good job of setting up the characters and setting, it could use more tension and conflict to make it more engaging for the audience.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more conflict: While there is some tension between Steve and Gareth, the conversation lacks overall conflict. Introducing a more dramatic conflict or disagreement between characters would make the scene more engaging.

2. Reveal character motivations: The dialogue between the characters could benefit from more clarity on each character's motivations. For example, why is Richard worried about the situation in Liberia? Does he have a personal or professional stake in the outcome? The audience should have a better idea of why each character is feeling a certain way.

3. Use the setting more effectively: The description of the hills and the minibus is very descriptive, but it is not effectively being used to build tension or create a sense of atmosphere. Adding more sensory details, such as the sound of the wind and rain, and the darkness of the forest, could help create a more ominous and suspenseful vibe.

4. Remove unnecessary details: The dialogue between Billy and Richard about cluster bombs and peace treaties feels out of place in the context of the scene. Removing this exchange could tighten the scene and make it more focused on the characters and their feelings about the situation they're in.

Scene 5 - Blocked Road

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 6
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

The minibus is old, beat up, and shabby. So is the driver.
He looks like he's made of cigarette ash, and just as
fragile.

He concentrates hard on the road ahead, leaning forward and
squinting. He grips the steering wheel like it's all that's
keeping him alive.
9.

He loudly starts singing some strange, East European folk
song. Maggie glances up briefly from her book, then back
down again. The others just stare at the passing scenery.

There is a faint rumble of thunder in the distance.

The driver's song tails off, and he mutters to himself,
rubbing a rabbit's foot on a chain around his neck. He
crosses himself three times, quickly.

Steve stares at him, shaking his head. Richard is watching
the advert on the laptop again, with headphones, mouthing
the words to himself.

MAGGIE
Are you actually memorising it?

RICHARD
Just making sure I'm familiar with
the concepts. When we meet George
tonight, I want to be able to
discuss it with him properly.

MAGGIE
Relax, Richard, it's only George.
He doesn't care what-

RICHARD
"Only George"? Only the man who has
revolutionised the arms industry?
Oh, well, in that case, forget it!
I guess it doesn't matter what we
talk about, eh? He doesn't care how
we work together as a team, does
he?

MAGGIE
As long as the money keeps rolling
in, probably not.

Gareth turns around.

GARETH
How about a sing-along?

Everyone slowly turns to look at Gareth.

HARRIS
Sorry?

GARETH
A sing-along! You know, get our
spirits up, make the journey go
more quickly!

STEVE
Seeing you horribly injured would
make my journey go more quickly.
10.

GARETH
Who knows "Itchycoo Park"? Anyone?
The Small Faces? Come on, I'll
start us off!

STEVE
Christ.

GARETH
(singing)
Over bridge of sighs - To rest, my
eyes, in shades of green - Under
dreaming spires - To Itchycoo Park,
that's where I've been...

He stops, waiting. Nobody speaks. Gareth coughs, loudly and
expectantly. He looks at Billy, eagerly. Billy clearly isn't
keen, but doesn't want to make waves.

BILLY
(flat, not singing)
What did you do there?

GARETH
(singing)
I got hi-igh!

BILLY
(even flatter)
What did you feel there.

GARETH
(singing)
Well I cri-ied!

BILLY
(pancake flat)
But why the tears then.

GARETH
(singing)
Tell you whyyyy-yyyy!

EXT. ROAD - DAY

The minibus struggles along the road, as the actual recorded
version of Itchycoo Park takes over from Gareth's tuneless
singing ("It's all too beautiful", etc).

Roll credits.

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

The bus turns a corner, and the driver sees something. He
slams his foot down on the brake pedal.
11.

EXT. FORK IN ROAD - DAY

The minibus screeches to a halt, sliding across the road.

INT. MINIBUS - DAY

Everyone goes flying, bags, laptops, books, all flung to the
floor, higgledy piggledy.

STEVE
What the fuck are you playing at?

He scrambles to his feet, and looks out the front window.

A landslide has blocked the road completely. The other road
in the fork is relatively okay. Everyone picks themselves
up, and peers at the landslide. Richard consults a map.

RICHARD
We can take this road instead.

Richard points at the map and shows it to the driver.

RICHARD (CONT)
We can go this way, it's only half
a mile. We go this way? This way?

The driver looks where Richard's finger is pointing, and
panics, shaking his head furiously, and rubbing the rabbit's
foot. He starts babbling in Serbian.

RICHARD (CONT)
The road is fine - it's not
blocked. Not! Blocked!

The driver is shouting now, banging the steering wheel and
crossing himself. Everyone looks at him.

RICHARD (CONT)
We're paying for this bus, your
salary, and the whole weekend. So
drive us there, right now, or
you're in big, big trouble.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The employees of an arms company ride in a minibus through a bleak landscape, discussing the crass corporate video they just watched and worrying about the ethics of their work. When they encounter a landslide blocking their way, tensions rise as Richard tries to convince the driver to take an alternate route.

Strengths "Well-written dialogue, Tense tone that fits the plot"

Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant character development"

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the story forward. The descriptions of the minibus and the driver are clear and vivid, making it easy for the reader to picture the setting. The dialogue reveals character traits, motivations, and conflicts, and the interaction between the characters is believable and engaging.

One minor suggestion would be to tighten up some of the dialogue. For example, the exchange between Richard and Maggie could be shorter and more concise without losing its impact. Additionally, some of Gareth's singing could be cut without losing any necessary information.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the obstacle that the characters will have to overcome and creates tension and conflict among them.

Suggestions Overall, this scene could use more action and tension to propel the story forward. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more details to the setting to make it more vivid and immersive. Describe the passing scenery in more detail, add sounds, smells, and other sensory details that can help the audience feel like they are really in the minibus.

2. Create a sense of urgency by making the threat of the landslide more immediate and dangerous. For example, you could have a large boulder fall close to the minibus, or have the driver realize that the landslide is still in progress and could continue to shift and cause more damage.

3. Increase the stakes by making it clear why it's so important for the characters to get to their destination as soon as possible. Is there a deadline they have to meet? Is there something urgent they need to do once they arrive? Make sure the audience understands why it's worth risking their lives to take an alternate route.

4. Add conflict and tension between the characters. Right now, they mostly seem annoyed by each other, but there isn't much real tension or conflict. Consider adding a subplot or backstory that creates more tension between certain characters, or have them argue more about the best course of action.

5. Use visual and auditory cues to build tension. For example, you could use tight shots of the driver's sweaty hands gripping the steering wheel, or use a low rumbling sound effect to suggest the imminent danger of the landslide. These subtle cues can help create a feeling of unease in the audience that can heighten the dramatic tension of the scene.

Scene 6 - The Fallout of the Corporate Video

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

EXT. FORK IN ROAD - DAY

Everybody is standing in the road watching the driver pull a
lever at the back of the bus. The boot opens with a jerk,
dumping all their bags out.

The driver gets back in the bus, and drives off.

Everybody turns to look at Richard, their breath condensing
in the cold air.
12.

MAGGIE
Good job, Richard. You really
showed him.

The minibus turns the corner, and is gone.

STEVE
Stupid old fucker. Hope he crashes
and dies.
(shouting)
Hope you crash and die!

RICHARD
He'd better not - he's picking us
up on Monday morning.

MAGGIE
When they find our decomposing
bodies, mine will have a note tied
to it blaming you for everything.

RICHARD
Okay, people. I'm not paying you
all to stand around making witty
remarks. Billy, take the team bag.

Richard points at Billy, then at a large green trolley-bag.
Billy has his own trolley-bag, as do the others. Richard
turns to go. Maggie makes a face and gives him the finger.

Steve gives him the V-sign. Maggie sees this, and changes
hers to copy Steve, raising her eyebrows to check she's
doing it right. Steve nods approvingly.

Way up the side of the valley, someone or something is
watching the gang through the crosshairs of a rifle. It
zooms in, focusing in on Gareth's Palisade badge.

The gang walks away. Unseen by them, some sort of warning
sign lies half buried under some loose earth. The words read
"LEKARSKI INSTALACIJA". It was once part of a fence.

Further away, hidden in the trees, the fence continues on
either side. We pull out and up, and see that it goes on for
several miles in a circle, collapsed in several places.

Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The minibus transporting the employees of an arms company encounters a landslide. Richard tries to convince the driver to take an alternate route while his colleagues express their discontent. Meanwhile, someone watches them through the crosshairs of a rifle.

Strengths "The scene is tense and captivating, with a clear sense of foreboding. The rifle's sighting provides an interesting plot development."

Weaknesses "The scene's dialogue is mainly shallow, with nothing memorable. There is no real struggle or character development."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have personal opinions or beliefs. However, as an expert, I can provide constructive criticism based on the following elements:

- The scene lacks conflict and motivation. There is no clear goal or objective for the characters, which undermines the plot and the audience's engagement with the story. The only conflict is between the characters and the absent driver, which feels artificial and underdeveloped.

- The dialogue is generic and unremarkable. The characters speak in clichés and expletives, without revealing much about their personalities or backgrounds. They also lack distinct voices that differentiate them from each other.

- The action and description are sparse and straightforward. There are no visual or sensory details that enhance the scene or immerse the audience in the setting. The characters are portrayed in a relatively passive and unremarkable way.

- The scene lacks subtext and complexity. There are no hidden or implicit meanings or themes that enrich the story or create depth. The scene feels like a functional and transitional moment that bridges two locations or events without adding much to the overall narrative.

To improve the scene, the writer could consider the following suggestions:

- Introduce a clearer and more urgent goal or conflict that drives the characters and the story forward. For example, they could be stranded in an unknown location with limited supplies and need to find shelter or help. Or they could be pursued by a hostile force that wants to capture or kill them.

- Develop the characters' personalities and relationships through their dialogue and actions. Give each character a unique voice and perspective that reflects their background, personality, and motivations. Use conflicts or disagreements between them to reveal their strengths and weaknesses.

- Use descriptive language and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive setting. Show the characters' surroundings in a way that reflects their mood and emotions. Use metaphors or symbols to suggest underlying meanings or themes.

- Add subtext or layers of meaning to the scene that connect it to the larger narrative or themes. For example, the warning sign could foreshadow a danger or a mystery that the characters will face later on. The characters' reactions to the driver's behavior could reveal their values or beliefs about justice or revenge. The watcher with the rifle could hint at a larger conspiracy or conflict that the characters are unaware of.

Suggestions A few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Show more of the characters' emotions and reactions to the situation. How do they feel about their bags being dumped out? Are they angry, frustrated, scared, or all of the above? This will help the audience connect with the characters and understand their motivations.

2. Consider adding more physical action to the scene. Right now, it's mostly characters standing and talking. Perhaps they could be moving around more, searching for their bags, or trying to fix the situation in some way.

3. Make the dialogue more realistic and natural. Some of the lines feel a bit forced or exaggerated, like when Maggie threatens to blame Richard for her decomposing body. Try to make the dialogue sound more like something people would actually say in this situation.

4. Provide more context for the location and situation. Right now, it's unclear why the characters are at this fork in the road or where they are headed. Giving the audience more information will help them understand the stakes and feel more invested in the story.

5. Consider adding more visual details to help set the scene. For example, what does the surrounding landscape look like? Are there any other people or vehicles around? Adding these details will make the scene more vivid and interesting to watch.

Scene 7 - Lost in the Woods

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - DAY

The gang trudge along the road. The woods completely
overhang the road, making it seem almost like night. All
around are the sounds of animals rustling and moving.

Maggie staggers along in a pair of ultra high heeled shoes,
which occasionally sink into a patch of mud. Jill smiles
smugly; she is wearing proper hiking boots.
13.

Billy struggles with the large green bag, as well as his
own. Every now and then, we hear the tinkling of a bell.
Steve frowns, not sure if he's imagining it.

STEVE
Can anyone else hear a bell?

Jill turns around, embarrassed. She has a small bell tied
around her neck. She shakes it, by way of explanation.

HARRIS
What's that?

JILL
A bear bell.

HARRIS
A what?

JILL
A bear bell. You know - the bears
hear it, they know you're coming,
and they get out of the way?

STEVE
Yeah - or they think, here comes a
tasty snack.

HARRIS
Bears don't eat humans.

MAGGIE
They kill them though, don't they?

HARRIS
Yes. But only when provoked, or
defending cubs. Besides, there
aren't any bears in this country.

JILL
Are you sure?

HARRIS
It depends. If we're still in
Serbia, then there are no bears. If
we've crossed the border, then
there are.

RICHARD
I don't remember us crossing the
border.

HARRIS
They don't worry about borders this
far out. You can pretty much come
and go as you please.
14.

STEVE
Yeah, so what's stopping the bears
from doing the same thing?

MAGGIE
Richard, which country is the lodge
in?

RICHARD
I'm not sure. Our field office is
based in Budapest, I assumed it was
all in Hungary.

HARRIS
So we could actually be in any one
of five countries?

RICHARD
I guess. Does it matter?

STEVE
Yes! Because of the bears!

MAGGIE
If there were any bears, they've
been bored to death by now.

Everyone looks fed up, except for Gareth, who strides ahead
as if discovering a new world. He's even found a stout stick
so he can look even more poncey.

Billy drops the bag, and loads of team game equipment spills
out. He sighs, and stuffs it back in again.

From the right, a twig snaps in the forest. Everybody stops.
There is a nervous silence.

JILL
Did you hear that?

STEVE
No Jill, we just all decided to
stop at exactly the same time.
Course we fucking heard it.

RICHARD
Steve. That'll do.

MAGGIE
So... shall we stay here all day?

HARRIS
How much further is it?

RICHARD
Not long, about another five
minutes.
15.

HARRIS
You said that half an hour ago.

RICHARD
I did not. I said five miles, not
minutes.

HARRIS
Can we have that in writing?

JILL
Where's Steve?

They look around. Steve has disappeared, but his bag is
still there. Jill clutches her bag in fear. Harris notices
some broken twigs on one side of the path.

HARRIS
He must have gone this way. Shall
we go and have a look?

RICHARD
Yes. Harris, take Maggie and Billy
with you. We'll wait here, keep an
eye on things.

HARRIS
Good thinking, Richard. You keep an
eye on the road, in case it falls
up into the sky.

Harris, Maggie and Billy walk into the woods, snickering.
Richard looks at Jill and Gareth, who smile politely.

Genres: ["thriller","adventure"]

Summary The group treks along a dark and foreboding road, with Jill unequipped for the journey. They discuss the possibility of bears in the area. Steve disappears as they hear a snap in the forest. Harris leads a search team with Maggie and Billy, while Richard stays behind with Jill and Gareth.

Strengths "Suspenseful tone, interesting setting, strong conflict"

Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels forced, predictable plot developments"

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and enjoyable to read. The dialogue is natural and reflects the different personalities of the characters. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1) The action could be described in more detail. For example, when Billy drops the game equipment, it would be helpful to know how he feels about it - is he frustrated, embarrassed, or something else?

2) The banter between the characters could be shortened in some places to keep the scene moving. While it's entertaining, some of the lines feel repetitive and don't add much to the story.

3) The stakes could be raised to add more tension and suspense. The broken twigs and Steve's disappearance are good starts, but it would be helpful to know why the characters are going to the lodge and what's at stake for them. This would create a stronger sense of anticipation and urgency.

Overall, this is a solid scene that could benefit from a bit more attention to detail and higher stakes.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is heavy on dialogue and lacks description, which can make it challenging for the audience to visualize what's happening. Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Start with a brief description of the gang's appearance and body language to set the tone. For example, "The gang trudge along the deserted road, their shoulders drooping from the weight of their luggage. Maggie stumbles every now and then in her ultra-high heels, while Jill strides confidently in her hiking boots, a small bell tinkling around her neck."

- Introduce more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. For instance, "The forest surrounding the road is so dense that dappled sunlight barely filters through the leaves. A faint breeze carries the scent of pine needles and decaying leaves, and the rustling of unseen animals echoes in the distance."

- Use action and description to convey character traits and relationships, rather than relying solely on dialogue. Instead of Jill explaining the purpose of the bear bell, for example, you could show her tying it around her neck or shaking it to make it ring while Harris and Steve exchange skeptical glances. Likewise, you could use body language to show how Gareth is excited about the adventure, whereas everyone else is growing tired and anxious.

- Finally, consider making the scene more compelling by introducing some conflict or tension. Perhaps there's a moment where the gang encounters a muddy patch in the road and has to decide whether to take a detour or risk getting their shoes dirty. Or maybe they hear a strange noise in the woods that makes them pause and assess their surroundings. These moments can help to build suspense and keep the audience engaged.

Scene 8 - Lost and Found

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 6
Dialogue: 8

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Harris, Maggie and Billy wander through the forest. It is
very dark and scary. It rustles mysteriously.

HARRIS
Steve? STEVE! Where are you?

MAGGIE
Probably smoking an entire tree.

BILLY
Do they make cigarette papers that
big now?

Maggie smiles uncertainly - she doesn't know Billy yet, but
he seems like an okay sort. They walk through the dark
forest, mouldering leaves beneath their feet.

They stop when they hear a trickling noise from up ahead. It
sounds like rain, or a leaky tap. They get closer together,
and approach the sound, slowly.
16.

It is coming from behind a massive tree. Harris picks up a
length of wood, and they slowly walk around the tree. They
stop, staring at something in absolute horror.

Steve is standing there, his back to them, having a long,
long piss. He is trying to coax the stream up to where a
bird sits, but can't quite reach.

STEVE
Come on, son, you can do it...

MAGGIE
Steve?

The golden stream stops abruptly. Steve doesn't look back.

STEVE
What?

MAGGIE
What are you doing?

STEVE
I'm flying a hot air balloon around
the world. What's it look like?

HARRIS
We were calling you.

STEVE
I know. I can't talk to anyone when
I'm pissing. Like now.

HARRIS
Well, hurry up, we have to get
going.

STEVE
Okay.

Nobody moves. Steve coughs.

STEVE (CONT)
Are you going to stand there and
watch, or what?

HARRIS
Oh. Sorry.

Harris, Maggie and Billy awkwardly turn around and walk
away. After a few moments, the piss stream starts up again.
Steve sighs in relief. He looks up, but the bird has gone.

Steve looks around for the bird. On the other side of a
bush, unseen by Steve, the stream of piss is slowly
uncovering something covered in mud.
17.

It is a long dead soldier, half his face eaten away by time
and mould. He looks like he died in a lot of pain.

Steve finishes, zips up, and walks off, whistling, having
never noticed what was just a few feet away.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - DAY

A forest clearing at the bottom edge of a deep valley. The
clearing touches the edge of the valley hill, which is rocky
and steep. It's quite beautiful.

A large, old, L-shaped, two-storey, concrete structure sits
in the middle of the clearing. It looks like a temporary
school, or a Russian box factory.

Behind the lodge is a stream, near that an old path leads
into the woods. The trees are bare, apart from the odd
evergreen, but are packed very close together.

It is just starting to get dark. The weary travellers arrive
and look around in shock. Except, of course, for Gareth, who
looks like he's died and gone to Heaven.

STEVE
Bugger me sideways.

GARETH
Isn't it wonderful?

STEVE
Is this some sort of joke? Cause if
it is, I don't think it's very
funny. Where's the real camp?

RICHARD
This is it.

HARRIS
Are you sure? It looks like a
Russian box factory.

BILLY
It's a bit... rustic.

STEVE
Rustic? RUSTIC? It's prehis-fucking-
storic!

RICHARD
Billy. That's enough.

BILLY
Me? But I didn't-

RICHARD
I said that's enough!
18.

Billy looks sharply at Richard, but manages to stop himself
saying anything, with a visible effort. Harris is struggling
to find the words. He looks at Richard.

HARRIS
I can't even find the words. You've
excelled yourself this time,
Richard, you really have.

Maggie's fancy shoes are filthy, covered in mud.

MAGGIE
Bloody Miu Mius.

STEVE
What the fuck is a moomoo?

Billy shrugs. Maggie sighs at Billy and Steve's ignorance.

MAGGIE
My shoes. They're Miu Mius.

STEVE
Better give 'em back to him, then.

Gareth whips out a Polaroid camera. It has a yellow label
that says "***Gareth's Camera!!***" with a big smiley face.

GARETH
Group photo - smile, everyone!

They all throw dirty looks at Gareth, except for Jill, who
smiles, and Richard, who tries to look important. Steve
gives Gareth the V-sign. Gareth takes the photo.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary The group of employees of an arms company try to navigate through difficult terrain and find themselves lost in the woods. Steve goes off to relieve himself and finds something unexpected while the group arrives at a lodge that shocks them all.

Strengths "The scene expertly blends humor and darkness, with Steve's actions providing a comedic relief to the otherwise tense situation. The arrival at the rough-looking lodge also shifts the tone and sets up the next part of the story."

Weaknesses "The scene could have been tightened, as some of the dialogue and actions don't add much to the plot or character development. Also, some of the characterizations are rather superficial."

Critique Overall, the scene creates a clear image of the setting and the characters in it. However, the dialogue feels a bit forced and doesn't flow naturally. Some of the jokes don't quite land and feel like they were added in for the sake of comedy rather than fitting with the characters and situation. Additionally, the discovery of the dead soldier at the end feels tacked on and random, not adding much to the scene or the story. Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening and more organic dialogue.

Suggestions One suggestion would be to make the scene more relevant to the overall plot or character development. It seems like a filler scene with not much purpose other than to add some humor. As a screenwriter, it's important to ensure every scene moves the story forward or develops the characters in some way. Another suggestion would be to streamline the dialogue and improve the pacing. Some of the jokes feel forced and the scene could be condensed to make it more impactful. Additionally, adding more sensory details and a sense of foreboding or danger in the forest could create more tension and intrigue.

Scene 9 - The Lodge

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Everyone walks in. This is the kitchen/diner/living room. In
the corner is a wood stove, and a sink. In another corner a
door leads to the hallway.

There's a fireplace, plenty of functional, 50's style
furniture, and wooden floors. Gareth looks at the lodge
pamphlet, which Maggie takes off him and reads aloud.

MAGGIE
(reading aloud)
"Welcome to the Palisade Conference
Centre, your one stop shop for all
your business needs. Have a drink
from the well stocked bar, take a
dip in the jacuzzi, or just while
away the evening by the roaring log
fire."

She looks around at the obvious lack of all those things.
She points at the sink.
19.

MAGGIE (CONT)
That must be the jacuzzi. Me first.

BILLY
Well, at least there's a roof.

GARETH
That's the spirit! It's all
character building!

MAGGIE
Yeah, it always is. Can we light
the fire? I'm freezing.

GARETH
You'll soon warm up when we play
the team games! We're going to have
*so* much fun!

STEVE
We're all going to die out here.
The clowns. Clowns will get us.

RICHARD
We're not going to die, don't be
silly.

Richard takes his clipboard and goes out into the hallway.

MAGGIE
Yeah, because Eastern Europe is
perfectly safe, isn't it?

GARETH
Of course it's safe!

MAGGIE
Apart from the war, famine, and
genocide, of course.

GARETH
That's all over and done with now;
we won't see anything like that.

MAGGIE
We won't see anything in the middle
of winter - it gets dark about half
three in the afternoon. Not very
exotic, is it?

GARETH
Serbia's exotic. So's Romania. They
have wonderful folk songs.

STEVE
Oh, good. Sing us a better fucking
cabin, then.
20.

Harris inspects the fireplace.

HARRIS
Think we could fit Richard in here?

MAGGIE
If we work together as a team.

GARETH
See? Maggie's got the right
attitude.

Maggie gives him the V-sign. Richard comes back in, ticking
items off on his clipboard.

Harris gets his mobile phone out; he presses the buttons,
doing the mobile phone stroll, but can't get a signal.

HARRIS
Shit. Anyone got a phone?

Maggie and Steve throw their phones to Harris, but he
doesn't have any luck with them either.

RICHARD
They won't work in the valley.

HARRIS
Great. I was going to go and stay
in a hotel.

RICHARD
Come on, this is a perfectly nice
place, there's plenty of food, a
fire, electricity, running water -
I've worked in worse offices.

HARRIS
This is supposed to be a break, not
work.

Richard's face hardens. He stands in front of one of the
windows. Outside, it is getting darker.

RICHARD
Harris, we don't pay you to have
fun. This is a business. And team
building weekends, like it or not,
are part of that business.

He walks around as he starts his speech. He's probably
rehearsed it a lot on his own. He stands in front of another
window, but this one is open.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - DAY

Somebody or something is watching from the woods.
21.

POV: we move slowly out of the woods, towards the lodge,
where we can see Richard giving his speech. We get closer,
creeping up on him stealthily, looking around carefully.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Richard steps away from the window, still talking.

RICHARD
We need to think out of the box if
we're going to beat last year's
targets. We're not getting much
traction lately, and we need to see
the bigger picture.

He wanders around the room again, stopping by another open
window. He leans on the window sill, his arm hanging out.

RICHARD (CONT)
We need to take ownership of this
weekend. And that means working
together. I can't spell "success"
without "u".

Richard looks as if he's said something really clever. There
is silence as everyone looks daggers at Richard. Steve
wanders out the front door, in a daze.

RICHARD (CONT)
Steve, get b-

STEVE (OFF)
I'm going for a piss.

RICHARD
The toilet's upstairs.

Steve has already gone. Richard stretches, his back to the
window. He turns around and closes it.

Genres: ["thriller","drama"]

Summary The employees of an arms company arrive at their lodge where tensions rise due to the lack of amenities and communication. Richard attempts to motivate and inspire the team but is met with skepticism. Meanwhile, a mysterious figure is spying on them from the woods.

Strengths "The tension and sense of danger is palpable throughout the scene, as the characters struggle to adapt to their surroundings and express their discontent. There is also a clear contrast between Richard's attempts at motivation and the team's skepticism."

Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from clearer stakes and a stronger sense of what the characters are trying to accomplish. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels repetitive and could be cut or rephrased to better serve the scene."

Critique Overall, the scene feels cluttered with a lot of character introductions and banter that doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose in moving the story forward. While the dialogue is snappy and witty, it doesn't reveal much about the characters or their motivations. Additionally, the descriptions of the lodge and its amenities feel forced and unnatural, as if the characters are trying to convince themselves that they're having a good time.

The momentum of the scene picks up towards the end with Richard's speech and the POV shot from outside the lodge, which foreshadows potential danger. However, it feels like these elements come in too late and could be better integrated into the earlier parts of the scene.

Overall, the scene could benefit from streamlining the dialogue and focusing on establishing the characters' personalities and relationships with each other while also building tension and anticipation for the potential danger lurking in the nearby woods.

Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more character development and a stronger sense of conflict. Here are some suggestions:

1. Develop the characters: Give each character a more distinct personality and voice. Right now, they all sound pretty similar, and it’s hard to tell them apart. Explore their backstories and motivations to make them more interesting and memorable.

2. Increase the tension and conflict: The scene feels fairly low-stakes right now. Try to introduce some kind of conflict or obstacle that the characters need to overcome in order to amp up the drama and keep the audience engaged.

3. Use the setting to create mood and atmosphere: The lodge could be a prime opportunity to create a creepy or eerie atmosphere that adds to the tension of the scene. Consider playing with lighting, sound design, or visual elements to make the setting more memorable and impactful.

4. Take advantage of the horror genre: If this is a horror movie, it’s important to establish a sense of danger and unease early on. Consider introducing hints or foreshadowing of the horror to come, whether it’s through creepy visuals or subtle hints in dialogue.

5. Make sure each character has a clear objective: Right now, it’s not entirely clear what the characters are trying to accomplish in this scene. Consider giving each character a specific goal or objective that they’re working towards, whether it’s finding a phone signal or uncovering a secret about the lodge. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

Scene 10 - Paranoia in the Woods

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Steve looks around at the bare trees, frowning as some of
them start melting and dissolving. He digs into his pockets,
and pulls out a large, transparent plastic bag.

It is full of pills, all shapes and sizes, the big sheets of
dodgy-looking acid tabs, and lots of joints.

He takes out one or two pills, and knocks them back, taking
out a hip flask to wash them down with. From the grimace,
the flask is obviously full of something very strong.

He takes out a joint, and lights it. He smokes for a while,
keeping an eye out in case someone comes out of the lodge.
22.

Something rustles behind him. He spins around quickly,
hiding the joint, and looks around. There's nothing there.
Steve frowns, and slowly brings the joint out again.

Steve's eyes go glassy, and a dopey grin becomes laminated
to his face. He leans against a tree. He turns his head
quickly, hearing a rustle, and frowns.

In the distance, he sees a boot sticking out from behind a
tree - the boot has the military insignia symbol on it, like
the one in the opening sequence.

Steve is just about to say something, when there is a louder
rustle just to his left. He turns and sees a grinning clown.

The clown moves his arms up and down slowly, creepily.

CLOWN
I thought she was dead?

He points. Five feet away from Steve, an elderly woman in a
blue floral print frock is crawling towards him, with a
knife clenched between her teeth.

Steve shuts his eyes tightly, then opens them again, looking
around quickly. The clown and granny are gone. Steve sighs,
and sips from the hip flask, his hand shaking.

The boot behind the tree is also gone. Behind Steve, over at
the lodge, Harris is outside.

EXT. BACK OF LODGE - DAY

There is a generator housed in a small, wooden cupboard.
Harris tops it up with petrol from one of several cans. He
finds the starter cord, and gives it a yank. It splutters.

He yanks it again, several times, until eventually it coughs
into life, smoke coming out the top.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Harris comes in, and sees the lit light bulb. Maggie
applauds Harris, who bows graciously. Gareth, Jill and
Richard take their bags upstairs. Billy stands aimlessly.

With the light on, Harris can see a large hook set into the
ceiling in one corner. It's not sharp, but looks quite
sturdy. Harris frowns at it, and walks out.

EXT. MAGICAL FOREST PATH - DAY

It is getting dark in the forest, but suddenly the path is
strewn with fairy lights and torches. Steve wanders down it.
Suddenly, a deer confronts him.
23.

It begins talking at him, in Serbian (no subtitles). It
talks angrily.

STEVE
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm English. Eng-lish.

The deer looks surprised, and begins speaking English in a
cut-glass BBC accent.

DEER
Oh you are? Splendid!

STEVE
You can talk?

DEER
Of course not. Don't be stupid.

STEVE
Oh. Okay.

DEER
Now get out of my forest. Fucking
druggie.

Steve frowns at the deer, but it starts screeching at him,
really loudly. Steve jumps, and runs away.

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Harris wanders down the hall, glancing into the utility
rooms. He gets to an archway leading down to the cellar. A
banging, clanking noise comes from the cellar.

INT. LODGE CELLAR STEPS - DAY

Harris walks down the steps, slowly. It's not easy going:
the stairs are crooked and creaky. The banging, clanking
noise gets louder as Harris approaches.

EXT. DARK FOREST PATH - DAY

Steve runs along the dark forest path, looking all around
him. He's paranoid, imagining all sorts of things in the
shadows.

All around him, the forest rustles, creaks, and crackles.
Someone or something follows him, keeping a cautious
distance between them.
24.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - DAY

The light is very dim in here. Harris gets a lighter out and
flicks it on. The cellar is full of old furniture, covered
in sheets, and lots of old filing cabinets.

At one end of the cellar is a fuse box. Wind is getting in
through cracks in the wood, and making the fuse box door
swing around, banging and clanking.

Harris shuts the fuse box door, firmly. It stays still. He
opens one of the filing cabinets, and finds hundreds of old
files with photographs of various men, names, dates, etc.

The files are written in some Cyrillic text Harris cannot
understand. They have the same military insignia on them
that was on the boots in the opening sequence.

Harris puts them back into the file drawer. He looks at the
objects covered in sheets, and stands right in front of one.
He stares at it. It doesn't move.

Harris steels himself, grabs the sheet, and pulls it off. It
reveals a plastic, life-size skeleton on a stand, like the
ones in doctors' offices.

Harris sighs, not even remotely scared.

INT. LODGE STUDY - DAY

This is a medium sized room on the ground floor with a musty
desk, chair, and an ottoman-style chest.

Richard puts office stuff on the desk - stapler, papers,
pens, notepads, post-its, photo of his wife and kids, etc.
He tidies it, fussily.

In the hallway, Billy walks past. He looks at Richard
briefly, shaking his head. Richard spots Billy, and points
at a load of rubbish on the floor.

RICHARD
Billy, clean this place up, it's a
mess. I need my office to be tidy.

Billy walks in, clearly reluctant, but not wanting to get
into trouble. Richard walks out, pompously. Billy sighs.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Steve takes drugs while wandering the woods and encounters a talking deer. Harris explores the lodge cellar and finds files with a military insignia. Richard tidies his office and orders Billy to clean up.

Strengths "The eerie and ominous setting creates tension and intrigue. The surrealist encounter between Steve and the deer adds a layer of mystery and unpredictability."

Weaknesses "Some of the actions and events are a bit too surreal and confusing, which can detract from the tension. The dialogue is somewhat flat and unremarkable."

Critique Overall, this scene appears to have a lack of cohesion and focus. There are multiple events occurring without any clear connection or escalation. Additionally, the dialogue and actions of the characters seem disjointed and random.

The scene starts with Steve taking drugs in the woods, which is a somewhat cliché and uninspired choice. The appearance of the clown and granny with a knife seems to come out of nowhere and feel disconnected from the beginning of the scene. The dialogue between Steve and the deer also feels unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the story.

Harris exploring the lodge's cellar feels like a completely different scene and doesn't have any clear connection to what's happening with Steve and the other characters. The reveal of the files with the military insignia seems like a significant plot point, but it's not given any real attention or weight.

Overall, this scene needs a stronger focus and clearer narrative thread to tie the different events and characters together. The dialogue and actions should also feel more organic and less arbitrary.

Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to develop more coherent and purposeful action. Right now, the scene jumps from Steve taking drugs in the woods to Harris starting up a generator at the lodge, to Steve talking to a deer in a foreign language. These events do not seem to be connected or contributing to the plot.

One way to fix this would be to streamline the action and make it more focused on the plot. Perhaps Steve could overhear something important while he is smoking in the woods, or Harris finds some crucial evidence in the cellar. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more meaningful and revealing of character.

Overall, the key to improving this scene (and any scene in a screenplay) is to make sure each action and line of dialogue serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing a character.

Scene 11 - Skeletons and Seduction

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Harris walks in, carrying the plastic skeleton on a stand.

HARRIS
I've found a skeleton.
25.

He places it in the middle of the room. Jill and Gareth come
back into the room, where Maggie sits, bored. Steve runs in
through the front door, sweating.

JILL
What's the matter?

STEVE
Nothing.

MAGGIE
Maybe I can help you relax, Steve.

Maggie stands up and walks towards Steve. She smiles at him
seductively. Steve looks at her, uncertainly. Maggie starts
undoing her shirt, swaying sexily. Steve smiles.

MAGGIE
Hot in here, isn't it? Why don't we
just take off our clothes, and see
what happens?

STEVE
Innit!

Steve starts undoing his belt buckle enthusiastically.

MAGGIE
What are you doing?

STEVE
Eh?

Maggie is still sitting in the chair, fully clothed. Steve
has his belt half open. Everyone is looking at him. He does
his belt up again, slowly, not sure what is real anymore.

He backs away, and turns around to see the skeleton right
behind him. He screams.

STEVE
Jeeeeeesus!

Steve runs out of the room, terrified. Maggie rolls her
eyes, and Harris chuckles to himself.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

Steve sees that Gareth has got a big room. Steve throws
Gareth's bag into the small room, and takes his own bag into
the big room. He lies down, making himself get a grip.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - DAY/NIGHT

Night is falling, making the woods and the lodge look even
more sinister.
26.

Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary Harris finds a plastic skeleton and brings it into the main room, where Steve is seduced by Maggie. However, things quickly turn surreal and frightening for Steve, and he runs out of the room. The scene then cuts to Steve switching rooms with Gareth and the falling of night, adding to the already ominous atmosphere.

Strengths "The tension is built up effectively with the ominous setting, and the humor adds a nice balance. The surreal turn with the plastic skeleton adds an unexpected element to the scene."

Weaknesses "The seduction scene feels a bit cliche and doesn't add much to the story. The dialogue also feels a bit forced at times."

Critique There are a few issues with this scene. Firstly, it’s not clear why Harris has brought in a plastic skeleton and why he places it in the middle of the room. This seems like an unnecessary detail that doesn’t contribute to the story.

Secondly, the interaction between Maggie and Steve feels forced and cliché. It doesn’t add anything to the plot and is borderline inappropriate.

Thirdly, the transition between Steve seeing the skeleton and running out of the room is too abrupt. It’s not clear what Steve is thinking or feeling in that moment, and the pacing feels off.

Overall, this scene could benefit from some significant rewrites and cutting unnecessary details to focus on the main story.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the characters - the characters in this scene feel flat and don't have distinct personalities. Try to give each character a unique voice and background so that they become more interesting to the audience.

2. Cut down on unnecessary dialogue - the conversation between Maggie and Steve feels forced and doesn't add to the story. Consider cutting it down to make the scene more concise.

3. Add tension and suspense - the scene lacks tension and suspense, even though it takes place in a supposedly ominous setting. Consider adding a sense of danger or mystery to make the scene more engaging.

4. Use foreshadowing - Since this is only scene 11, it's important to start planting seeds that will pay off later in the story. Consider using foreshadowing to hint at future plot developments and keep the audience engaged.

5. Reintroduce the skeleton - The skeleton is introduced and then disappears from the scene. Consider bringing it back in later scenes to add to the mystery and intrigue.

Scene 12 - The Lodge's Dark Past

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

The gang (except Steve) sit around the fireplace. A fire is
lit, some candles too. The gang are eating some of the pork
pies that were left out, and drinking plenty of wine.

It's raining outside. A pot has been placed under a leak in
the roof, making an interesting plinky plonky sound. Gareth
eats using a fork on his Swiss army penknife.

Maggie taps a spoon on her plate. Richard glares at her, and
she stops, making a face. Jill smiles politely when anyone
catches her eye. Harris rolls and unrolls his tie.

Gareth still looks cheerful. He doodles on the outside of
his folder - smiley faces, motivational sayings ("I am a
powerful, unique person, and I deserve to win"), and so on.

HARRIS
George is definitely coming, isn't
he?

RICHARD
Yes. For the last time, he will be
here. He is committed to this
weekend, and to the team.

MAGGIE
Good for him.

Maggie takes out a cigarette and lighter, stands up, opens
the front door and stands in the doorway, smoking.

As Maggie smokes, she hears the faint sound of a twig
snapping in the forest. She looks out into the clearing, but
can't see anybody.

She thinks she can see something moving, but isn't sure. She
leans a bit further out--

--and something runs along the porch, making her jump. It is
a squirrel. It hisses at Maggie, then scampers off. Maggie
flicks it the V-sign.

BILLY
Not having any pie, Maggie?

MAGGIE
Are you serious? I can feel my
arteries clogging just looking at
them.

Steve wanders back into the room from upstairs, shakily. He
sits down. He looks over at the window. A clown face stares
in, grinning.
27.

It draws a finger across its throat and points at Steve. Its
face melts. There is now a silhouette of somebody with a
wide brimmed hat staring in.

Steve shuts his eyes, shakes his head, and looks up again.
Both clown and hat man have gone. Steve breathes out slowly,
shaking his head.

Jill takes out an asthma inhaler, and inhales a dose.

She then gets out a bottle of prescription pills, and takes
one with some water. Steve looks at her, interested, one
pill popper to another. Jill sees him nodding at the pills.

JILL
For my blood pressure. White ones
twice a day, yellow once a day,
blue once a week. My sister takes
them too, she has trouble with her
monthlies, and she always says-

STEVE
All right, all right, didn't ask
for your life story.

Jill looks down, embarrassed. Her hand shakes slightly as
she closes the pill bottle. Silence again. Billy breaks it.

BILLY
So what was this place before we
turned it into this luxury villa?

HARRIS
What, nobody told you?

BILLY
No.

Harris raises an eyebrow.

HARRIS
Back during the last war, these
were all lunatic asylums. State
run, no money, the usual. Anyway,
they'd been getting funny reports
about some of them, complaints from
the locals, so they sent an
inspector to check it out.

We see the exaggerated visuals accompanying the story: A
huge, gothic version of the lodge looms up in the darkness,
a man in a suit approaches, during a wild thunderstorm.

HARRIS (CONT)
He arrived late one night, and
asked the staff what was going on.
They showed him around, said
everything was fine. But it wasn't.
(MORE)
28.

HARRIS (CONT) (cont'd)
The inspector noticed that the
inmates were going bananas,
screaming at him to let them out.

The inspector walks down a white corridor lined with padded
cells. Faces scream at the windows, furious, terrified.

HARRIS (CONT)
Then he realised that everybody was
wearing the wrong clothes - the
inmates had taken over, and locked
up the doctors. Turns out it's
happened at all of the asylums. The
inmates that were let out each time
went to the next asylum to let the
others out, and so on and so on.

We see an ever-growing army of exaggerated lunatics running
from one asylum to the next, to free the next set of
inmates.

Back in the original one, in the white corridor, all the
"staff" turn to face the inspector, grinning madly. The
inspector screams.

HARRIS (CONT)
Took them months to catch them all.
After that, they sold all the
buildings off cheap to Palisade. We
got them for next to nothing. They
never found the inspector, though.

He sits back, satisfied. Billy is fascinated. Everybody else
is amazed at the dodgy tale.

JILL
That's not what happened.

HARRIS
It is.

JILL
So if they never found the
inspector, how did they find out
about it?

HARRIS
I don't know all the details.

JILL
You can say that again. Don't
listen to him, Billy, he's got it
all wrong.

HARRIS
Okay then, you tell it.
29.

JILL
It was during the last conflict,
before all the countries got new
names. These places were detention
centres for war criminals. Soldiers
who got to like the killing a bit
too much. Too unstable even for the
genocide.

We see the visuals, different this time: A group of soldiers
machine-gunning about fifty people lined up, laughing
crazily as they kill them.

JILL (CONT)
They wiped out whole villages,
burned children alive, put heads on
spikes. They even - you know - did
sex things with the bodies.

A soldier climbs out of a mass grave, lighting a cigarette
and sighing contentedly. He is covered in blood.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary The group of employees eat and chat while the rain pours outside. Harris tells a creepy story about the lodge's past, while Jill disputes it and adds her own, even darker twist. Steve has a frightening hallucination and Jill shares her medication routine with him. The scene ends with Billy's fascination and a soldier covered in blood.

Strengths "The scene effectively establishes a tense and ominous atmosphere through the storm and the dark stories told. It reveals significant information about the lodge's past and the characters' personal struggles. The dialogue and character interactions feel natural and realistic."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or plot development, and some of the visuals accompanying the stories feel exaggerated and unnecessary. The conflict level is low and emotional impact is somewhat muted."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between the characters feels authentic and natural, with each character having their own distinct voice. The use of descriptive language and visual imagery helps to create a clear picture of the setting and events.

However, there are a few areas that could use improvement. The sudden appearance of the clown and hat man feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene, leaving the reader confused and wondering if it will be explained later. Additionally, the stories told by Harris and Jill about the lodge's history seem to contradict each other, causing some confusion as to which is the true story.

Furthermore, it may be helpful to provide some character descriptions to help the reader visualize the characters and distinguish them from one another. Finally, while the scene is enjoyable, it may benefit from having a clearer overall purpose or goal for the characters - something to drive the action and keep the audience invested in what's happening.

Overall, the scene has strong elements and potential, but could use some refinement to improve its cohesiveness and clarity.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve the scene would be:

1. The scene feels a bit disjointed and lacking in focus. It seems like it's meandering and jumps from one character to another without any clear purpose. To improve this, the scene could benefit from a central conflict or goal that the characters are all working towards. For example, they could be discussing their plans for the next day's hike or trying to solve a mystery related to their current situation.

2. The dialogue could be more natural and authentic. Some of the lines feel forced or unrealistic. To make it sound more natural, the characters should speak in a way that reflects their personality and background.

3. The story within the story is confusing and hard to follow. While it's an interesting concept, it might be better to simplify it or cut it entirely. It doesn't really serve a purpose within the scene and just adds another layer of complexity.

4. The introduction of the clown and hat man feels like it comes out of nowhere and doesn't fit in with the rest of the scene. If this is meant to be a horror or suspense movie, it could be helpful to foreshadow these elements earlier so that they don't feel so abrupt.

5. The descriptions of the visuals could be more creative and dramatic to enhance the impact of the story within the story. The director will need to use their own interpretation, but the script could provide more visual cues to help them create an atmosphere that matches the tone of the scene.

Scene 13 - Dinner with Detention Centers

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

JILL (CONT)
They built these detention centres,
and locked the soldiers away. Tried
to "cure" them, but it was no good.

We see a row of prison cells filled with hollow-eyed
soldiers. We go past them, and into a room filled with
medical experimentation devices.

A soldier is strapped into a chair, with electro-shock
terminals attached to his head - they are just left switched
on, burning into his skull. He screams in agony.

JILL (CONT)
Eventually, they just abandoned the
buildings, and left the soldiers to
die. Much later, Palisade came
along, and spent about a year
cleaning the buildings up. As
quickly as possible.

We see several large, white vans with the Palisade logo on.
Men in chemical protection suits are using flamethrowers to
clean out the buildings, and shooting at injured soldiers.

A wounded soldier runs away, screaming, on fire.

JILL (CONT)
It was hushed up, but all of the
soldiers were killed - except for
one, who escaped. And they never
found him...

Jill sits back, her gory tale at an end. Steve snorts.
30.

STEVE
That is *such* bollocks. Where do
you get this shit from? Palisade
wouldn't go round executing people,
even if they were psychos.

JILL
That's what I heard, anyway.

STEVE
Well you're both wrong. This is
what really happened. Back in the
sixties, these places were private
hospitals for rich fuckers. All the
nurses were foxy chicks, and they
used to get really lonely.

We see Steve's version: impossibly beautiful young women
sashaying around in tight nurse outfits, in soft focus.

STEVE (OFF)
Anyway, they went a bit mad with
sexual frustration. They couldn't
shag the patients, they were all
old gits who couldn't get it up
anymore. So they went for each
other. Couldn't get enough. They
were so sex mad, they let all the
patients die.

The nurses are dragging each other off to broom cupboards
lustfully, while the elderly patients gasp for breath,
dying, in need of medication.

STEVE (OFF)
Except for one young bloke who
turned up one day with a broken
leg. They moved him into an empty
ward, and-

MAGGIE
Steve. Does this story end with
that man having sex with all the
nurses?

STEVE
Oh, you know it, then?

Billy looks at them all.

BILLY
So... are any of the stories true?

MAGGIE
Sure. Pick the one you like, or
make one up yourself.
31.

BILLY
I think I like Steve's one best.

Steve winks at him.

STEVE
Innit?

Steve takes a big mouthful of pie. There is a nasty
crunching sound. Everybody winces, and looks at Steve.

Steve looks confused, and pulls something out of his mouth.
His eyes widen. It's a tooth. Harris smiles.

HARRIS
Bit young to be losing your teeth,
Steve. It's all downhill from here.

STEVE
It's not mine.

Steve is gradually realising what this means.

STEVE (CONT)
It's not my tooth; I haven't got
any gold fillings.

He holds it up. It's a single tooth with a gold filling.
Steve is starting to look quite ill.

RICHARD
Are you sure? It might be a clove.

STEVE
Does it look like a fucking clove?
Oh God, I'm going to puke.

Everybody puts down their forks. Maggie flicks away her
cigarette and comes in to look.

JILL
Could it be, I don't know... the
cow's tooth?

Steve stares at her, stunned. He drops the tooth.

STEVE
The cow's tooth? Do cows have
fucking GOLD FILLINGS?

RICHARD
Okay, calm down; sometimes people
drop things into food when they're
cooking. One time I dropped my
watch into some chicken soup.

MAGGIE
You don't just drop your teeth.
32.

JILL
Actually, one time my sister-

STEVE
I don't want to know! They must
have chopped up the last people who
stayed here, made pies out of them!
And now we're eating them!

RICHARD
Why would they do that?

STEVE
Cause they're cannibals!

BILLY
If they're cannibals, why would
they make *us* eat people?

Steve thinks about it. Billy's got a point.

STEVE
Cause... the... I don't know.

RICHARD
There you go. Haven't you ever had
a tooth fall out before?

Everyone thinks about this. They all look at each other,
uneasily. Harris can't resist stirring it up, for a laugh.

HARRIS
Unless the cannibals are feeding us
humans because they like their
meals to be stuffed! Woo-oooooh!

STEVE
Oh shit! Oh shit!

MAGGIE
Harris!

Maggie throws the remains of her pie at Harris, who ducks.

RICHARD
Pick that up.

Steve pops some pills to calm himself down. Several pills
later, his eyes go glassy, and he spaces out.

Billy crumples up the newspaper around his pie, but
something catches his eye. He opens out the paper fully,
dropping the pie and crumbs all over the floor.

BILLY
Look.

He shows them the newspaper, and they all crowd around.
33.

There is an article which has the word "Palisade" in the
headline. The rest of the article, and in fact the whole
newspaper, is in Serbian.

Genres: ["horror","dark comedy"]

Summary The employees tell scary stories about the lodge's past, including a gruesome tale told by Jill about Palisade's detention centers. Steve denies it and tells his own exaggerated version. The group eats dinner, but an unexpected tooth in Steve's pie causes fear and paranoia to take over.

Strengths "The scene builds tension and fear effectively through the characters' reactions to the tooth, and the different stories they tell about the lodge's past create intrigue. The scene also highlights the different personalities of the characters."

Weaknesses "The exaggerated stories told by Steve and Jill feel a bit over-the-top and unrealistic, which could take away from the overall believability of the scene. Additionally, the resolution of the tooth mystery feels a bit rushed and unsatisfying."

Critique The scene sets up an eerie and disturbing atmosphere as it describes the cruel treatment of soldiers in a detention center. The use of the flashback technique helps to create a vivid picture in the audience's mind and the description of the electro-shocks and flamethrowers further adds to the tension. However, the sudden shift to Steve's version of events, which borders on the ridiculous and comical, seems out of place and disrupts the tone of the scene. Though it does add some humor to the scene, it takes away from the seriousness of the earlier part. Additionally, the sudden revelation of the tooth sticks out as an unnecessary plot twist and feels forced. Overall, while the scene has its strengths, the sudden shift and forced plot twist detract from its overall impact.

Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive or unnecessary. For example, Jill's third line could be shortened to just "They built these detention centres for soldiers and tried to 'cure' them, but it was no good." This would make the dialogue flow better.

2. Show, don't tell: Rather than just telling the audience what happened to the soldiers, consider showing it. For example, instead of just having Jill describe the abandoned buildings, show a flashback or a brief scene where Palisade is cleaning up the buildings.

3. Increase the tension: The scene could benefit from more tension or suspense. One way to do this could be to have a character discover something unsettling or dangerous in the room they are exploring.

4. Develop the characters: While there is a lot of dialogue in this scene, it doesn't do much to develop the characters or their relationships. Consider adding in more personal details or conflicts to create a more engaging scene.

5. Use visuals effectively: There are some great visuals in this scene, such as the row of prison cells and the medical experimentation devices. However, some of the visuals could be made more impactful by using different camera angles or lighting. For example, showing the soldier in agony from a closer angle might make the scene more intense.

Scene 14 - Nighttime Preparations

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

HARRIS
Bollocks. Anybody speak Serbian?

GARETH
Oh! Um, I know some French!

HARRIS
That's great, but Serbian is a
totally different language.

RICHARD
Nobody knows any Serbian? Steve?

Steve stares at Richard, frowning. From Steve's Point-Of-
View, we see that he can't understand anyone at all:

MAGGIE
Lobber nobber? Fobber gobber dobber
lobber?

BILLY
Habba gabba, dabba flabba yabba.

RICHARD
Blurgle spurgle. Urgle burgle?

HARRIS
(high pitched,
screeching)
Skeeeeeeeeeebiejeebiejeebiejeebie!

Everyone wears top hats, and Harris has a child perched on
his shoulders. The child waves at Steve. Steve shakes his
head, looking frightened. We go back to normal again.

MAGGIE
Why would Palisade be mentioned in
a local paper? They must have done
something wrong.

HARRIS
Yeah, it can't be anything
heartwarming, can it?

RICHARD
You're all being completely
irrational. Our company is
extremely well regarded.

MAGGIE
For what? Food with teeth in?

Everyone looks at each other.
34.

INT. LODGE/VARIOUS ROOMS - NIGHT

Everyone is getting ready for bed. Like a predator, we prowl
around the lodge, spying on their preparations.

INT. BILLY'S ROOM / STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Maggie and Billy are in Billy's room. They have been
chatting for a while, getting on well, starting to flirt.

Billy is fresh out the shower, and wears a towel, showing
off his rippling torso. He is drying his hair as he talks.

In his room opposite, Steve isn't happy about this, and is
keeping an eye on the situation, while eating crisps. He
inspects each crisp carefully before eating it.

MAGGIE
Why do you let Richard talk to you
like that?

BILLY
He's not that bad. Once you get
past all the business talk, he's
decent enough.

MAGGIE
Are you serious? He's a dick. You
should stand up for yourself. Tell
him "no" once in a while.

BILLY
There's a space opening up in our
New York branch next year. I want
that space.

MAGGIE
Oh, right. You'll have to eat a lot
of shit between now and then.

BILLY
I know. It could be worse, though.

MAGGIE
Yeah, you could be eating that
horrible Marmite stuff.

In his room opposite, Steve is clearly desperate to be
involved in the conversation. He tries to think of some way
he can join in, as the other two carry on talking.

BILLY
I love Marmite!

MAGGIE
Eugh. Filthy, smelly salt paste, I
don't know how you can stand it.
35.

BILLY
It's gorgeous.

MAGGIE
What's it even made of?

BILLY
Yeast extract. It's very good for
you. It's got loads of vitamins,
and hardly any fat or sugar.

MAGGIE
I'd rather eat shit on toast.

Finally, something Steve knows about. He leans out of his
bedroom doorway, and pipes up quickly:

STEVE
I hate Marmite too.

It sounds really plaintive and pathetic. Maggie and Billy
just look at him. Steve looks away, embarrassed.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

We move away from Steve's embarrassment, and pass by
Richard's room.

Richard is laying out all his clothes, and folding them
neatly, ticking them off on his clipboard - Pants (3),
Shirts (5), etc. There are little tickboxes next to them.

We move away from his room, and see Gareth looking for his
room. He leans into Steve's room, confused, wondering where
his stuff went.

GARETH
I thought that this was-

STEVE
You thought wrong. You're down the
end.

GARETH
Right. Sorry.

Steve kicks the door shut. Gareth finds his room at the end.
It is dark, cobwebby, and scary looking. He walks in,
clearly trying to make the best of it. He opens his bag.

He takes out little postcards with motivational sayings on -
"Understand before trying to be understood", "You cannot
change what you don't acknowledge", and so on.

He starts placing them around the room. Down along the hall
we go, past Harris' room. Harris is doing pushups.
36.

Harris has some books on his bed: "The SAS Survival Manual",
"The Art of War", "Sell! Sell! Sell", and "Only Take 'No'
for an Answer When You're Dead".

We slowly approach the bathroom. Somebody is inside. We move
towards the bathroom door...

Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The group of employees get ready for bed while discussing Palisade's questionable past. Billy and Maggie flirt while Steve feels left out. Gareth decorates his creepy room with motivational postcards. Harris works out and reads books on survival and sales. Steve tries to join in on the conversation about Marmite, only to be ignored.

Strengths "The scene effectively expands on the characters' personalities and interactions, while adding a touch of dark humor to the story."

Weaknesses "The scene mostly consists of characters getting ready for bed and chatting without much action or significant plot developments."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I'm not an expert in screenwriting. However, I can say that the scene seems to lack clear direction or purpose. The dialogue between the characters is random and lacks a clear plot. Some jokes are used as a filler, and the scene does not progress the story or develop the characters in any way. Additionally, some of the dialogue, particularly the gibberish language used, may be hard for an audience to understand or follow. Some of the physical actions, such as Harris doing pushups and Richard ticking clothes off on a clipboard, could benefit from further explanation or development to make them more meaningful to the story.

Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. To start, it's unclear what the characters are doing or where they are. Consider adding some description to establish the setting.

2. The dialogue feels random and disjointed. It's hard to tell what the characters are trying to accomplish with their conversation. Try to make the dialogue more purposeful and focused on advancing the story or developing character.

3. The shift to everyone wearing top hats and Harris having a child on his shoulders seems unnecessary and distracting. Consider cutting this detail or finding a way to make it more relevant to the story.

4. The scene where Maggie and Billy are flirting in Billy's room feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider moving this to another part of the script where it's more relevant to the story.

5. The scene lacks clear direction and purpose. Consider re-evaluating the purpose of the scene and focusing on advancing the story or developing character in a more meaningful way.

Scene 15 - Nighttime Paranoid Hallucinations

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

INT. LODGE BATHROOM - NIGHT

...and in we go, through clouds of steam from the hot water.
A shadowy figure lurks near the sink, draped in a long
outfit. We move closer, until the figure turns around.

It is Jill, in a long dressing gown.

We move in towards the mirrored bathroom cabinet. For a
moment, it looks like there is a shape in the reflection,
but before we can see it, Jill opens the cabinet door.

She starts loading up the cabinet with her pill bottles, all
shapes and sizes. She keeps a couple with her, including her
asthma inhaler, and puts them in her pocket.

She is about to close the bathroom cabinet, but stops. She
takes out another pill bottle, and then closes the cabinet.
There is no longer a shape in the mirror.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Jill comes out the bathroom, walking straight into Steve.
They both scream a little bit, then look embarrassed. They
shuffle past each other, really awkwardly.

INT. LODGE BATHROOM - NIGHT

Steve goes into the bathroom with his toothbrush and
toothpaste. He opens the mirrored bathroom cabinet, and
whistles at the amount of pills inside it.

He opens a few bottles, stealing some of the pills. He
closes the cabinet door, and Harris' face appears in the
reflection, making a scary face. Steve screams.

STEVE
You bastard!

HARRIS
You big wimp. Hurry up, I need the
toilet.

DISSOLVE TO:
37.

INT. GARETH'S ROOM - NIGHT

Gareth is fast asleep. His travel clock shows twenty past
three a.m.

INT. BILLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Billy lies awake, thinking.

INT. STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Steve sits by his open window, having a crafty joint. He
hears a creak, and glances over to his half open door.
Somebody walks past, but Steve can't make out who it is.

INT. HARRIS' ROOM - NIGHT

Harris mumbles in his sleep. Behind him, a shadow moves past
his doorway. Moments later, a high-pitched, nerve-shredding
scream shocks him out of bed.

INT. JILL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Jill is screaming blue fucking murder.

Everyone bursts into the room, shouting, panicking. The
light comes on, people wave torches, confused, scared.
Harris grabs Jill by the shoulders and shakes her.

HARRIS
What's wrong? What happened?

JILL
Someone was in the room!

BILLY
What? One of us, or someone else?

JILL
Someone else.

STEVE
Could have been a badger.

JILL
It wasn't a bloody badger! He was
huge, taller than any of you.

HARRIS
All right, calm down. Look, maybe-

Jill sees something behind them, and lets out another
earsplitting scream. Everybody jumps. She points. On the
floor are some muddy footprints.
38.

STEVE
Bloody hell, I'm going to have a
heart attack in a minute.

JILL
They weren't there when I went to
bed!

HARRIS
Are you sure?

JILL
I'm positive!

Jill whimpers, and Maggie tries to comfort her, awkwardly.
Harris and Steve exchange glances. Their faces say it all -
here we go again, daft Jill panicking for no reason.

Jill starts gasping for breath, and fumbles for her asthma
inhaler, taking a deep drag from it.

GARETH
Shall I make some tea?

RICHARD
Harris, take Billy and Steve, go
and check outside, just in case.

HARRIS
What about you?

RICHARD
I'll keep an eye on things here.

Harris expected as much. He looks at Billy and Steve.

HARRIS
Come on then.

Billy, Steve, and Harris go outside to check things out.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

Billy, Steve, and Harris cautiously peer out the door. They
come out fully, brandishing torches.

HARRIS
Don't go too far.

STEVE
Yeah, right.

They search the area with the torches. There is nobody
there. They look at each other and shrug.
39.

STEVE
I saw someone walking around in the
corridor, but it must have been one
of us.

HARRIS
Why didn't you say that upstairs?

STEVE
Cause Jill would have fucking
screamed the place down again.

BILLY
Is she always like this?

STEVE
She’s just imagining it, she’s
paranoid. Come on - we all know
there's nobody out here.

Harris nods, then leads them back inside.

Over at the edge of the clearing, someone or something lurks
behind a tree, watching them. Harris turns for one last
look, and the hidden figure ducks behind a tree.

Harris doesn't see anything, and goes inside.

Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary Jill has a terrifying hallucination and the group discovers muddy footprints in her room. Harris and some others go outside to investigate, but find nothing suspicious. The scene ends with a mysterious figure watching them from the edge of the clearing.

Strengths

Creates a suspenseful and creepy atmosphere
Builds tension through the characters' paranoia and fear

Weaknesses

Dialogue is somewhat clunky and clichéd
Characterizations could be more fleshed out

Critique Overall, the scene is well written in terms of creating tension and a sense of unease. However, it could benefit from some improvements in terms of character development and dialogue.

Firstly, the characters could be fleshed out more. Currently, they all seem to be one-dimensional stereotypes with predictable reactions (such as Jill being paranoid). Giving them more depth and unique characteristics could make the scene more interesting and engaging.

Additionally, the dialogue could use some work. Some of the lines feel forced and clunky, making the characters sound unrealistic. The conversation between Billy, Steve, and Harris in particular could benefit from more natural, fluid dialogue.

Overall, the scene has potential but could use some refinement in terms of character development and dialogue.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Clarify the setting. It is unclear where the lodge is, what it looks like, and why the characters are there. Providing more description of the surroundings would help ground the audience in the story.

- Build tension gradually. The scene starts with some ominous descriptions of a shadowy figure, but then quickly becomes mundane as Jill loads pills into a cabinet and Steve brushes his teeth. To make the later scares more effective, try to maintain a sense of unease throughout the scene.

- Flesh out the characters. Right now they are all fairly generic and indistinguishable from each other. Adding more personality traits, backstory, or conflicts between them would make the audience care more about what happens to them.

- Use visual cues to foreshadow the upcoming scares. For example, the footprints on the floor are a good eerie detail, but they come out of nowhere and are not built up to enough. Instead, consider subtly hinting at them earlier, or using background details (like the way the trees are rustling outside) to create an atmosphere of imminent danger.

- Avoid stereotyping Jill as a hysterical woman. Her panic and asthma inhaler are presented as punchlines rather than genuine character traits, which could come across as sexist or dismissive. Instead, try to make her reactions more understandable and sympathetic, while still keeping the audience wondering whether she is imagining things or not.

Scene 16 - Nighttime Tensions

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

INT. JILL'S ROOM - NIGHT

The boys come back. Richard is pacing up and down. Gareth
hovers, trying to be helpful.

HARRIS
Nothing out there. Jill, are you
sure you weren't just dreaming?

JILL
Yes! What about the footprints?

BILLY
Could have been one of us during
the day. Maybe George was here.

Everybody looks at everybody else, shrugging.

HARRIS
Well there's nobody here now. Tell
you what, in the morning we'll see
if we can get a phone signal up the
hill, get someone to come and pick
you up. How's that?

JILL
Really?
40.

HARRIS
Sure.

RICHARD
Wait a minute-

STEVE
Can I go too?

HARRIS
Maybe we should all go. I don't
think this is working out. We'll go
to a hotel.

STEVE
Yesssss! Go on, my son!

RICHARD
Anyone who leaves, gets a written
warning, right now. Billy, you're
on even thinner ice - last in,
first out, as they say.

BILLY
I'm not staying here on my own.

RICHARD
I'll be here.

BILLY
Then I'm definitely leaving.

RICHARD
Oh, really? Then you can kiss
goodbye to that transfer.

GARETH
I agree with Richard. I think we
should stay.

STEVE
Oh, surprise sur-fuckin-prise.

RICHARD
Steve! That's enough!

GARETH
It's okay, he's entitled to-

RICHARD
You too, Gareth.

JILL
Please don't make me stay.

Jill is opening one of her pill bottles with a shaking hand.
She drops it, and pills fall all over the place. Billy helps
her pick them up.
41.

RICHARD
You know the rules, Jill.

HARRIS
Leave her alone, Richard. George
isn't here, the place is a mess,
it's all gone wrong, admit it.

RICHARD
We can discuss it in the morning.

HARRIS
Whatever. Jill, will you be okay
for the rest of the night?

JILL
I think so, yes. Thank you.

STEVE
You should stay with Maggie
tonight. Just in case.

He's talking to Jill, but glancing at Billy and Maggie,
clearly trying to stop any night-time shenanigans.

JILL
Oh, yes, would that be okay?

Maggie isn't happy about it. She starts to say no, but looks
at Jill's petrified face, and takes pity on her.

MAGGIE
Sure it is. We'll bring your
mattress and sheets in.

STEVE
Nice!

His voice implies that he knows *exactly* what sort of thing
they'll be getting up to. Maggie clips him round the ear,
annoyed.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Billy and Harris jam a chair under the door handle. They
pull the door experimentally. It doesn't budge. They nod.

HARRIS
Don't mind Richard, he can't do
anything without a good reason.

BILLY
Didn't sound like that to me.

HARRIS
He can bark all he wants, but
George has the final say.
(MORE)
42.

HARRIS (cont'd)
Besides, I can prove Richard's
fiddling his expenses - if he tries
to shaft you, I'll have a quiet
word.

BILLY
Thanks, Harris.

Harris winks at Billy, and claps him on the back.

INT. MAGGIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Jill and Maggie drag Jill's mattress and bedclothes inside.
Jill looks at Maggie, gratefully, wanting to say something,
but a bit embarrassed. She manages to speak.

JILL
Thank you, Maggie.

MAGGIE
You'd do the same for me.

JILL
Yes, of course I would.

MAGGIE
Look, I know we've never really
been friends or anything...

JILL
We just got off on the wrong foot,
that's all.

MAGGIE
No, I'm just a bad tempered cow
sometimes, but it's nice of you not
to say so. Let's start again, from
tonight.

She offers her hand. Jill takes it, and they shake hands,
awkwardly. They'll never be best friends, but they've made
more progress tonight than in the past two years.

Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary The group investigates mysterious footprints in Jill's room, leading to tension over whether to leave the lodge. Jill has a scary hallucination, drops pills, and is comforted by Maggie. Billy and Harris barricade themselves in, while Richard threatens those who leave with consequences. Jill and Maggie make amends.

Strengths "Tense atmosphere and character conflicts."

Weaknesses "Slow pacing and ambiguous intrigue."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written. It effectively conveys the tense atmosphere of the situation and reveals the various tensions and alliances among the characters. However, it could benefit from more sensory details and action beats to enhance the visual and emotional impact. For example, instead of just saying Jill drops the pill bottle, the scene could show her hands shaking, then the bottle slipping from her grasp, pills scattering across the floor. This would create more tension and emphasize Jill's distress. Additionally, there is some dialogue that feels unnecessary or could be trimmed to improve pacing.

Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add tension: While there's some tension with Richard's threats and the possibility that someone could be in the lodge, the scene could benefit from some added suspense. Perhaps there could be a strange noise or a sudden blackout. This would add to the feeling of danger and uncertainty.

2. Develop characters: While the dialogue does a good job of conveying the characters' personalities and tensions between them, there's more that could be done to flesh them out. Giving the audience more of an understanding of their backgrounds and motivations would make them more relatable and interesting.

3. Show, don't tell: Some of the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose, with characters stating their feelings and motives outright. Adding more physical actions and subtle gestures would convey these things more effectively and add to the realism of the scene.

4. Vary the pacing: The scene could benefit from some changes in pacing, such as a sudden burst of action or a quieter moment of reflection. This would help keep the audience engaged and interested throughout.

Scene 17 - Morning Departure

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 6
Dialogue: 7

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Morning has broken. The seven office samurai are getting
their things together. Steve is feeling a bit ropey -
everything's a bit too bright, sober and real for him.

Breakfast is served - crisps and sweets. The gang eat
hungrily. Maggie shows two packets to Billy.

MAGGIE
Smokey bacon, and salt and vinegar -
it's almost a fryup.
43.

Billy shows his packet to Maggie.

BILLY
Cheese and chives. That's almost
one of my mum's parties.

Steve tries to join in, and looks at his crisps - they are
Ready Salted. He can't think of a joke.

Harris finishes eating. He puts on his shoes and starts
lacing them up. Richard stands up and comes over to him.

RICHARD
Harris. Can we talk?

HARRIS
What about?

Richard is talking quietly, trying not to make a scene, but
Harris is talking at normal volume, even slightly louder.

RICHARD
In my office, if you don't mind.

HARRIS
Your "office"? No, I don't think
so. Look, if we get a signal, we're
leaving. We can do the team games
in a hotel. I'm sure George won't
mind, if he ever turns up.

RICHARD
Okay, we can send Jill to a hotel,
but we are not-

HARRIS
This conversation is over. Okay?

Harris smiles at Richard firmly, indicating that if he
pushes it any further, there'll be trouble. Richard pretends
he hasn't given in, with:

RICHARD
We'll discuss it later.

HARRIS
Sure we will.

Behind Richard, there is an outbreak of intense, quiet
sniggering. Richard turns around sharply, but everyone is
immediately the picture of innocence.

HARRIS
Okay. Two of us go, everyone else
stays here.
44.

STEVE
I'll go; I'm not hanging around
here with the cub scout here.

He points at Gareth. Gareth is wearing oversize shorts, and
a khaki shirt, and is whittling a piece of wood with a Swiss
army penknife.

HARRIS
No. We'll do it fairly.

Harris gets seven matches, and snaps two to make them short.
He turns away from the others for a minute.

He turns back around, the tops of the matches poking out
from his hand. He offers them to Steve. Steve sighs, and
picks one. It is a long one.

STEVE
Bollocks. Can I have another go?

HARRIS
No. Billy.

Billy takes one - it's long. Then each person in turn. Jill
and Harris end up with short straws. Jill looks nervous.

STEVE
Fix!

HARRIS
Are you okay to go, Jill?

JILL
Yes, I'm fine, I'll be fine.

Jill is quaking silently, popping pills and blasting herself
with the asthma inhaler. She's clearly not fine.

MAGGIE
Where will you go?

HARRIS
We'll just follow the road. Past
that landslide, it goes up the side
of the valley; we should get high
enough after a while.

Jill and Harris get up.

HARRIS
We'll try the bus driver first. If
all else fails, we'll call the
police and make something up. We'll
say Richard had an accident.

RICHARD
But I haven't.
45.

HARRIS
Don't worry, we can arrange
something.

Richard half-smiles, not sure if it's a joke or not.

HARRIS (CONT)
See you later. Behave yourselves.

The rest wave, as Jill and Harris leave.

Gareth claps his hands together.

GARETH
Right. Who's up for team games?

Genres: ["horror","thriller","drama"]

Summary The morning after the spooky stories, the group prepares to leave but is divided on whether to stay or go. Harris and Jill decide to venture out for help while the rest of the group prepares to stay behind and play team games.

Strengths "Tension is high as the group is divided on whether to leave or stay. Harris and Jill's departure raises the stakes."

Weaknesses "Some characters feel underdeveloped and the breakfast scene feels unnecessary."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, but there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and efficient. For example, in the exchange between Harris and Richard, there is some repetition and unnecessary back-and-forth that slows down the pace of the scene.

Secondly, the characterizations could be developed further. While we get a sense of Harris as the leader and Steve as the joker, the rest of the characters feel a bit underdeveloped. Giving each character a distinct personality trait or quirk could make them more memorable and interesting to the audience.

Lastly, the stakes of the scene could be heightened. Right now, the conflict between Harris and Richard feels a bit minor and easily resolved. Introducing a higher level of tension or danger could make the scene more compelling.

Overall, this scene has promise but could benefit from some refinement.

Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from more clear and concise dialogue that moves the plot forward and reveals character relationships and dynamics. Some suggestions:

- Consider condensing the breakfast scene to a few lines of dialogue and action that reveal the characters' attitudes and personalities, instead of multiple lines about specific chip flavors.
- Make Richard and Harris's conflict more clear earlier on in the scene, so that when Richard tries to confront Harris, it's not a sudden development. Consider adding a line of dialogue earlier that hints at their tension.
- Make sure the dialogue reveals more about the characters' motivations and relationships. For example, what is driving Harris to be so stubborn about leaving the lodge? Is there some underlying tension between him and Richard that goes beyond this one issue?
- Consider adding more action and description to break up the dialogue-heavy scene. For example, could Maggie and Billy have a physical interaction with the chip packets that adds some visual interest? Could Gareth's whittling or other characters' actions be described in more detail to add some texture to the scene?
- Finally, consider whether this scene is truly necessary to the overall plot. Is there a way to condense it or move the conflict forward more quickly?

Scene 18 - Escape Attempts

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

EXT. FORK IN ROAD - DAY

Jill and Harris walk along the road, coming from the road
that leads to the lodge, and passing the landslide.

It's an uphill walk, and cold - they are glad to be wearing
their coats. Jill throws terrified glances at the woods.

HARRIS
Anything yet?

Jill checks her mobile phone. It's still not working. She
shakes her head. Harris looks at his own phone, which is
also useless.

HARRIS (CONT)
This is going to take hours. Fancy
just climbing up?

Jill looks to their left. The valley wall rises far, far up
above them. If it were any steeper, it would be past
vertical, and falling back on to the road.

JILL
Not really, no.

They walk on. The sun is high in the sky. Jill looks away.

JILL (CONT)
I didn't imagine it, you know. I
really did see someone.

HARRIS
Don't worry about it. We'll be out
of here soon.

JILL
It's a nice area. Until last night,
I was quite enjoying myself.
46.

HARRIS
Really?

JILL
Weren't you?

HARRIS
This isn't really my sort of thing.
I prefer the city. Cleaner, safer,
less wild animals.

Jill nods. They walk on a bit further.

JILL
So what do you think they're up to
now?

HARRIS
God knows. I tell you what, though -
I bet they *won't* be playing
bloody team games.

They smile at the thought, and walk on.

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Billy and Steve walk through the woods. They wear combat
gear and carry paintball guns. They look embarrassed.

STEVE
Load of bollocks.

Billy stops Steve, and points. Up ahead is a squirrel. Steve
quickly takes aim, but Billy pulls his arm down, shaking his
head. Steve pouts. The squirrel scampers away.

They walk on, and Billy stops suddenly. In a clearing ahead,
they can see Richard hiding behind a tree. He hasn't seen
them yet. Near him is a small sandbag fort.

BILLY
Where's Maggie?

STEVE
Why?

Steve says it too sharply. Billy notices, and smiles.

BILLY
Why don't you just ask her out?

STEVE
Pfft. Women like Maggie don't like
blokes like me. They like pretty
boys like you. No offence.
47.

BILLY
I like Maggie, I really do. But I
could never love somebody who
didn't like Marmite.

STEVE
Really?

BILLY
Really. Go for it. Ask her out. Be
a man.

STEVE
I'll think about it.

About fifty yards away, there is a stealthy movement.
Somebody runs from right to left, incredibly fast, dodging
trees, just a flash of camouflage gear.

Billy and Steve fire their paintball guns furiously, trying
to track the running figure, but it is too fast.

BILLY
Bloody hell. I didn't think Maggie
could run that fast.

STEVE
She must have taken off those
pointy shoes.

BILLY
Did you see where she went?

STEVE
No, she must be hiding. Richard's
still there, though.

BILLY
I know. Let's get him. I mean,
really get him.

STEVE
Yeah. Let's paint the bastard
bright yellow.

BILLY
Okay, here's the plan: we-

Several yards away, someone pulls a branch to one side,
spying on the two men. Billy hears something, and turns.

The person hiding quickly ducks down, and Billy carries on
whispering to Steve.
48.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Jill and Harris try to find their way back to civilization, while Billy and Steve play paintball and Maggie hides from them.

Strengths "Suspenseful tone, strong use of setting to create atmosphere, raises questions about what is happening at the lodge."

Weaknesses "Juvenile actions of some characters can take away from the suspense, not much character development or emotional impact."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and serves its purpose in advancing the story. However, there are a few minor critiques that can be made:

- The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy at some points, with characters explicitly discussing their motives and feelings rather than showing them through their actions. For example, when Harris says "This isn't really my sort of thing", it feels like a direct statement to the audience rather than something a character would naturally say in conversation.
- Some of the actions described could be more specific to make the scene more engaging. For instance, when Billy and Steve are firing their paintball guns, it would be more interesting if we knew specifically what they were aiming at and how they were trying to hit it.
- The ending of the scene, with someone spying on Billy and Steve, feels a bit abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the action. It might make more sense to introduce this element earlier in the scene and weave it more fully into the action.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are my suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene takes place in a potentially dangerous situation, as Jill and Harris are lost in the woods, and they talk about the possibility of someone following them. The scene could benefit from increasing the tension and suspense, either by adding more details about their fear or by making the audience doubt whether there is really someone following them.

2. Make the dialogue more engaging: While the dialogue between Jill and Harris establishes their situation, it does not add much depth to their characters. The conversation feels like small talk and does not reveal anything new or interesting about them. Consider adding more subtext or conflict to the dialogue to make it more engaging.

3. Develop the characters: Similarly, the scene with Billy and Steve feels like filler. While it adds some humor to the story, the characters do not feel fully developed or relevant to the main plot. Consider making sure that every scene and character contributes to the overall story and provides something new or interesting to the audience.

4. Use the setting: The scene takes place in a beautiful location, but the descriptions of the setting are minimal. Consider using the scenery to add more atmosphere and mood to the scene, and make the audience feel like they are there with the characters. For example, the cold wind could howl ominously through the trees, making the characters shiver with fear. Or the sun could hide behind dark clouds, making everything feel more oppressive and threatening.

Scene 19 - The Abandoned Bus

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Jill and Harris turn a corner, waving the mobile phones
around, trying to get service, chattering away.

HARRIS
I'm serious, when they cut off
Marie Antoinette's head, she looked
up from the basket and saw the
bloody stump of her neck before she
died.

JILL
It's just not physically possible.

HARRIS
Brain activity continues up to
thirty seconds after decapitation.
If your head lands at the right
angle, you can see your headless
body before you die.

JILL
No, that's bollocks!

HARRIS
Why? There's still blood in the
head, there's still oxygen in the
brain - Jill, did you just use a
swearword?

JILL
Um...

HARRIS
That's the second one this year.
You'll get a reputation, you know.

JILL
I've got a long, long way to go
before I overtake any of you.

Harris laughs, and realises that he really likes Jill. She
smiles back at him, looking happy at last. They suddenly
notice something and stop dead, their faces dropping.

Up ahead is the minibus.

It is in the middle of the road, parked sideways. The
headlights are smashed. Jill and Harris look at each other,
then approach the minibus slowly.

EXT. FORT CLEARING - DAY

Richard crouches behind his tree, as before, ready for
action. He is well protected by the trees. Maggie is nowhere
to be seen. Richard waits, primed for an assault.
49.

Silence. The calm before the storm.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Harris walks to the door of the bus and looks in. The
driver's seat is empty. Flies buzz around it. Jill gets out
her inhaler, and takes a couple of hits.

JILL
Where's the driver?

HARRIS
He couldn't have been around here
the whole time.

JILL
He must have been kidnapped. Or
murdered.

Harris notices that the keys are still in the ignition. He
gingerly opens the driver door. There is a trickling sound.

They look down, and see a trickle of blood coming out of the
bus, splattering near their shoes. They jump back,
disgusted.

Harris turns the ignition key. The engine coughs. He tries
again. Nothing. The third time, the engine belches into
life.

JILL
I think I'm going to be sick.

HARRIS
It's okay, we have the bus, we're
safe now.

JILL
But what happened to the driver?

Harris looks at Jill, uncertainly. He is unable to think of
an answer that won't terrify her.

Genres: ["Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Jill and Harris come across the abandoned minibus. There's blood splattered on the ground and the driver is missing. Harris finds the keys in the ignition and gets the bus started. Jill is upset and afraid, wondering what happened to the driver.

Strengths "The tension and suspense are high in this scene, with the discovery of the abandoned bus and the missing driver. The dialogue between Jill and Harris is natural and adds to the character development. The setting is eerie and unsettling, adding to the horror atmosphere."

Weaknesses "The concept of finding an abandoned bus and a missing driver feels familiar and not very innovative. Additionally, the dialogue could be more impactful and add more emotion to the scene."

Critique Overall, this scene sets up tension and intrigue as Jill and Harris approach the minibus and discover the driver is missing. The conversation between them about Marie Antoinette's death is an interesting piece of dialogue that adds character development. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the moment, such as describing the surroundings and setting the tone with the weather or time of day. Additionally, there seems to be a sudden shift in tone when Harris notices the keys in the ignition and remarks that they are safe now, which could benefit from more build-up or explanation. Overall, solid scene, but some tweaks could make it even stronger.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more tension and suspense to the scene. There is a sense of foreboding with the mention of the decapitation fact, but it fizzles out with the sudden appearance of the minibus. Perhaps have Jill and Harris hear strange noises or see shadows moving in the trees before they stumble upon the minibus.

2. Make the dialogue more natural and less exposition-heavy. The conversation about Marie Antoinette feels forced and unnecessary. It could be cut in favor of dialogue that reveals more about the characters or moves the plot forward.

3. Develop the relationship between Jill and Harris more subtly. Right now, their sudden realization that they like each other feels out of nowhere. A few prior instances of flirtation or mutual concern could establish their connection more convincingly.

4. Give a clearer indication of the stakes at play. The fact that the driver is missing and there is blood in the minibus is alarming, but there isn't a clear sense of what danger the characters are in. Are they being pursued by someone or something? Are they in a place where they could easily be trapped? Adding a physical threat or an understanding of the stakes could create more urgency and interest in the scene.

Scene 20 - Bear Trap

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 6
Dialogue: 5

EXT. FORT CLEARING - DAY

Steve runs into the clearing, roaring a war cry.

STEVE
Kawasaki! Ducati! Sony!

He starts firing wildly. Richard jumps, and pelts Steve with
paintballs. Steve keeps running, screeching in pain.

STEVE (CONT)
Ow! Ow! Fuck, that hurts!
50.

As the attack goes on, Billy crawls along the ground from
the left. Nobody sees him. He moves slowly, keeping low.

It is perfect. Richard concentrates on Steve, while Billy
reaches the fort. Billy stands up, smiling, and reaches for
the flag. He glances down.

Maggie is lying on her back inside the fort, grinning, gun
pointed right at Billy. Billy rolls his eyes.

MAGGIE
Close, but no cigar. You're dead,
sucker!

She shoots him in the chest several times, splattering him
with paint. Richard erupts from the woods, cheering.

RICHARD
We won! You're all dead!

BILLY
Oh yeah? Well somehow I survived.
I'm taking the flag!

Billy grabs the flag, then shoots Richard in the chest,
enjoying himself hugely.

MAGGIE
You'll get a black mark in Gareth's
rulebook for this.

BILLY
Good!

Billy sticks the flag into his goggle strap, then picks up
Maggie, throwing her over his shoulder.

BILLY (CONT)
Men - I have the flag! And a comely
wench! We shall make sport tonight!

He runs off with Maggie and the flag, Maggie screaming with
laughter. Steve is laughing, even Richard has lightened up -
they both start pelting Billy and Maggie with paintballs.

MAGGIE
Hey! I'm on your team, Richard! And
so is my ass!

The game descends into farce, with people running around in
circles, shooting at each other and laughing. Gareth
appears, with his whistle. He blows the whistle.

GARETH
Now, I think we broke a few little
rules here and there, didn't we?
51.

There is a pause while the others look at each other, then
without a word, they all run at Gareth, pelting him silly
with paintballs.

GARETH (CONT)
Ow! Ow! That hurts! Stop! I'm the
activities co-ordinator! Help!

Steve waves his gun around in triumph. Gareth runs away from
the paintballs--

--and steps right into a beartrap, a rusty, metal one
concealed in the grass - circular with a serrated edge,
really heavy, spring-loaded, and very nasty.

It closes on his left shin with a thunk and a crunch. Gareth
screeches in agony, and falls down heavily. Everyone jumps
back in panic.

STEVE
What the fuck?

BILLY
Quick, help me get it off him. Turn
him over.

They grab Gareth, picking him up awkwardly, not quite sure
what to do. They move him round a bit, but the trap has a
chain attached, with one end driven into the ground.

The slack in the chain runs out, yanking Gareth back, and
they drop him. The trap teeth dig further into his leg, and
blood oozes out. He whimpers, close to fainting.

Billy uses a stick to yank the chain out of the ground.

The trap is quite big, with a massive spring on either side
of the teeth. Billy tries pressing one of the springs down,
but it won't budge.

BILLY (CONT)
Get on the other side of it. After
three - one, two, three, go.

Billy stands on one spring, Steve stands on the other. The
spring opens halfway, partially releasing the trap. Steve's
foot slips off the spring, and it slams shut again.

Clang! Everybody winces as Gareth screams in agony again.
The teeth dig even further into his leg.

BILLY (CONT)
Shit! Sorry! Okay, one more time.
One, two, three...

They stand on the springs again, and get the trap fully
open. Gareth pulls his leg out. They release the trap, and
it slams shut, splattering blood on the grass.
52.

The trap has cut almost all the way through his leg, about
eight inches above his ankle. Billy picks Gareth up, and the
whole thing falls off, his foot landing in the grass.

Steve has a small cut on his finger, and isn't too brave
about it.

STEVE
My fucking finger! It's killing-

He notices Gareth's foot, and shuts up, embarrassed.

They pick up Gareth, and his foot, and hurry out of the
clearing, watching where they step.

Genres: ["comedy","horror"]

Summary Steve, Richard, Billy, and Maggie play paintball while Jill and Harris search for help. Gareth steps into a bear trap and the group struggles to get it off him, resulting in gruesome consequences.

Strengths "The scene balances humor and tension effectively, creating a chaotic and entertaining moment. The gruesome consequence of the bear trap raises the stakes and amps up the tension."

Weaknesses "The dialogue is mostly comedic and doesn't add much depth to the characters. The theme of the scene is unclear and doesn't offer much meaning to the story. "

Critique As a screenwriting expert, I’d say that the scene is well-written, especially in terms of action and characterization. The characters have distinct personalities and the dialogue accurately portrays the way they would talk. The humor in the scene is also well-executed, as it’s seamlessly woven into the scene without feeling forced.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. Firstly, the action in the scene is quite chaotic and it might be difficult for the audience to keep track of what’s going on. Secondly, the scene’s tonal shift towards the end is quite abrupt, as it goes from being lighthearted and comedic to being graphic and brutal. Finally, the scene might benefit from having more direction in the way the characters’ movements are portrayed, as it’s not always clear where they are in relation to each other.

Overall, the scene is well-constructed, with strong dialogue and characterization. With a few tweaks to the action and more thought given to the tonal shift, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene. First, the dialogue can be tightened up to make it more impactful. Some lines feel unnecessary and take away from the tension and excitement of the paintball game. Second, there could be more build-up and foreshadowing to the beartrap to make it feel like a significant plot point rather than a sudden, jarring incident. Finally, there could be more description and detail in the action to really showcase the severity and brutality of the trap. Overall, the scene could benefit from better pacing and more effective storytelling techniques.

Scene 21 - Trapped in the Clearing

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - DAY/DUSK

It is starting to get dark. The gang carry Gareth along the
path and into the clearing. Just before they reach it, Billy
stops them, holding his hand up.

He gets a stick, and pokes about in the leaves on the path.

There is another beartrap hidden there, the same type that
got Gareth. Billy sets it off with the stick, and they carry
Gareth past it. Billy looks around on the ground.

BILLY
There's more.

There are two traps either side of the sprung one. Billy
pokes about, using a longer stick this time. As the others
watch, he uncovers more and more of them.

They put Gareth down for a minute. He is unconscious. Billy
uncovers all of the traps, in a big circle right around the
edge of the clearing, surrounding the lodge.

MAGGIE
They weren't there when we came
out. They can't have been.

STEVE
Either someone really, really wants
to catch a bear, or there's a
fuckload of bears to catch.

MAGGIE
Maybe someone lives nearby. What
the hell are they up to? They must
know we're here.

STEVE
Can we go inside now please? I
don't like this.
53.

They hear the cough of an engine. The battered minibus
staggers into the clearing. Jill and Harris get out. Harris
notices Gareth and the mess of his leg.

HARRIS
What did you do to him?

BILLY
Beartrap. There's loads of them,
all round the clearing.

HARRIS
Jesus...

RICHARD
Where's the bus driver?

HARRIS
Don't know. Probably dead.

STEVE
Nice! Can we go, then?

Everyone looks at Steve, who realises his gaffe.

STEVE (CONT)
I mean, terrible, tragedy, yeah. So
can we go, then?

BILLY
We need to stop Gareth's bleeding.
What should we do?

MAGGIE
I don't know, don't we have a first
aid kit?

RICHARD
There wasn't anything in the lodge.
There should be, health and safety
rules clearly state-

MAGGIE
Shouldn't we run water over it or
something?

BILLY
Why?

MAGGIE
To clean it?

STEVE
It'll still be bleeding though.

As they argue, Gareth is slowly losing colour as the blood
drains from his leg.
54.

HARRIS
Cauterise it?

STEVE
What's that mean?

HARRIS
Burn the stump, seal it off.

RICHARD
Jesus. Isn't there another way?

HARRIS
No, I read it in my SAS book.
Billy, get the fire lit. Maggie,
try and find the poker. Steve, boil
some water, and-

BILLY
But by the time the fire's lit,
he'll have bled to death!

HARRIS
Then hurry up!

STEVE
Fucking hell, stop shouting!

They're all shouting, panicking. Jill, surprisingly, is
suddenly very calm. She steps into the middle of the group,
speaking calmly and authoritatively, silencing them.

JILL
Billy, give me your paintball
jacket.

Everybody stops talking, amazed at this new, calm, sensible
Jill. Billy takes off his paintball camouflage jacket. Jill
ties it tightly around Gareth's leg, just above the wound.

Gareth gets his Swiss army knife out, opening the scissors,
but Jill waves it away, gently.

GARETH
I'm okay, it doesn't really hurt
that much-

He tries to stand but falls back down, in agony.

JILL
It's okay, Gareth. We'll get help,
don't worry.

GARETH
Oh, you know, what doesn't kill me,
only makes--
55.

Jill yanks the tied jacket so that it is really tight.
Gareth faints.

MAGGIE
Jesus, he just doesn't stop, does
he? "I'm glad I got caught in a
beartrap, it has helped me to
become a better person"...

Jill gives the tied jacket another yank. The bleeding stops.
She sees their amazed faces.

JILL
It's called a tourniquet. You have
to stop the blood getting to the
wound. It's easier than trying to
plug it up.

Now that the bad things have started to actually happen,
rather than threatening to happen, Jill is remarkably well
adjusted. Severed legs she can deal with.

STEVE
Nice. Can we fuck off now, then?

BILLY
Good idea. What about this?

Billy holds up Gareth's foot.

STEVE
Throw it away.

BILLY
Maybe they can re-attach it?

RICHARD
I saw a documentary once, they said
if your finger gets cut off, the
best place to keep it is in your
mouth, for hygiene.

Billy holds up the foot for Richard to see. It is far too
big for anyone's mouth.

STEVE
Oh yeah, why didn't we think of
that? You hold his mouth open,
we'll shove his foot in.

JILL
There were some frozen peas in the
top of the fridge, put them in a
plastic bag with the foot. It'll do
for a few hours, at least.
56.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The group finds themselves trapped in a clearing surrounded by bear traps, and must contend with Gareth's severe leg injury. Jill takes charge and uses a tourniquet to stop the bleeding, while Billy and Steve make inappropriate jokes. Harris suggests cauterizing the wound and starts a fire, while Maggie tries to find a first aid kit.

Strengths "This scene creates a palpable sense of danger and urgency as the group is surrounded by bear traps and tries to save Gareth's life. Jill takes on a leadership role and there is tension as the group argues over the best course of action."

Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue is clunky and the jokes made by Billy and Steve detract from the tension of the scene. The scene also feels somewhat disconnected from the larger plot."

Critique Overall, the scene is engaging and moves the plot forward, but there are a few issues that could be improved upon. First, the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose and repetitive. There are several instances of characters stating the obvious or reiterating information that has already been established. There is also a lot of shouting and arguing, which can detract from the tension and drama of the situation.

Secondly, the use of a tourniquet to stop bleeding seems a bit too convenient and contrived, especially given that none of the characters seem to have much medical knowledge or training. It would be more believable if one of the characters had some sort of medical background or if they had to research how to properly use a tourniquet before attempting it.

Finally, the humor and sarcasm at the end of the scene, particularly regarding the severed foot, feels out of place and tonally inconsistent with the serious nature of the situation. It would be more effective to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene, with humor and lightness sprinkled in more sparingly.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some fine-tuning to make it more engaging and believable.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Increase tension: The setup of the beartraps is a great opportunity to build tension and increase the danger for the characters. Consider lengthening this part of the scene and using it to ramp up the stakes for the characters.

2. Clarify motivations: It's unclear why the beartraps were set up in the first place, which can leave the audience confused and disengaged. It might help to have the characters speculate about who or what could have set them up, or provide some clue as to their purpose.

3. Streamline dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive or unnecessary, and could be trimmed to make the scene tighter. Also, consider giving each character a more distinct voice or personality to make them more memorable.

4. Add visual interest: The scene takes place in a fairly generic outdoor setting, which makes it hard to visualize. Try to include more specific details or imagery to make the scene feel more vivid and interesting to the audience.

5. Make use of subtext: The dialogue could benefit from more subtext or underlying tension between the characters. For example, there could be unspoken resentment or suspicion between certain members of the group that adds a layer of complexity to the scene.

Scene 22 - Escape from the Lodge

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

The gang are coming out of the lodge with their bags. Gareth
is still where they left him. Maggie tries to warm herself
around the lit cigarette in her mouth.

Jill fills a plastic bag with packets of frozen peas and
crispy pancakes.

STEVE
Hurry up, I want to get out of this
shit hole. Bollocks, Richard, where
are the passports?

RICHARD
Passports are all in the team bag,
upstairs. Billy?

BILLY
I'd be delighted to get it,
Richard. It'll be the highlight of
my day.

Maggie smiles at Billy, who winks back.

HARRIS
Let's get these bags in first.

Harris pulls the lever on the bus to open the boot.

With a squeak and a clatter, the boot jerks open, throwing a
pile of rubbish out onto the ground, and knocking Gareth's
foot out of Billy's hand.

Billy bends to retrieve the foot, and Harris bends to see
what has been dumped out of the bus.

They both stand up. They are both holding a foot.

Billy holds Gareth's foot. Harris holds the driver's foot,
yellowy nails, crusty sandal and all. Everybody looks down.

The remains of the driver are on the ground. He has been
chopped up into several pieces, and partially skinned. Nails
have been hammered into his eyes.

Steve puts his hands over his mouth, gagging and retching.
Everybody backs away into the room. The cigarette falls from
Maggie's mouth.

MAGGIE
Oh shit oh shit oh shit-

There is a stunned silence. Nobody moves. Harris knows he
needs to keep it together, before anyone panics.
57.

HARRIS
Okay. Billy, Maggie, load up the
bags. Steve, Richard, get Gareth on
the bus. Jill, sort the ice bag
out.

STEVE
We're all going to die!

HARRIS
Shut the fuck up and do it!

Billy gives the foot to Jill, and he and Maggie start
throwing bags into the boot.

MAGGIE
Where are you going?

HARRIS
I'm getting the passports.

MAGGIE
No, it's too dangerous.

HARRIS
They won't let us through the
airport without passports. We need
them.

MAGGIE
Be careful.

HARRIS
Duh.

Harris runs off, as Steve and Richard pick up Gareth. Gareth
looks at them all, proudly.

GARETH
Great teamwork, guys! See? If you
work together, you can accomplish
anything.

Steve rolls his eyes.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Harris runs through the lodge, looking around wildly. Trying
to think. Trying not to panic. Steps around the furniture,
moving quickly, shakily.

INT. LODGE MAIN STEPS - NIGHT

Harris bounds up the dark stairs, two at a time.
58.

INT. LODGE RICHARD'S ROOM - NIGHT

Harris runs into Richard's room. He empties the team bag
onto the bed. He finds the folder of passports, and leaves.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Harris comes out of the room, and stops. He hears a very
faint rustle from one of the rooms.

For a horrible moment, it seems as if he's going to be
stupid enough to go and check the room - but common sense
prevails.

HARRIS
Fuck that.

Harris turns, and bolts for the stairs.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Harris runs through the room, looking around fearfully.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

Harris runs into the clearing, getting the bus keys out of
his pocket. The others on the bus scream at him to hurry up.

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

Harris leaps on to the bus, tripping, and dropping the keys,
which fly under a seat. Steve shouts in frustration, and
kicks the back of one of the seats.

Harris scrabbles around on the floor, and finally grabs the
keys. He gets in the driver's seat and puts the keys in.

STEVE
Fuck, it's not going to start, it's
not going to start-

The engine starts first time. Harris and Steve nervously
smile at each other. Then the engine stalls, and stops.

Everyone looks utterly terrified. Harris curses under his
breath, forces himself to stay calm, and tries again. The
engine coughs - then starts.

Harris floors the accelerator.
59.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

The bus fishtails wildly before the wheels grip, and it
screeches away.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The minibus roars around the first bend. We can still see
the lodge in the background. It is pitch dark outside.

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

STEVE
Faster!

HARRIS
I can't see where I'm going!

Billy leans out of a window, holding a torch pointing ahead.
It's faint, but helps a bit.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary The group discovers the remains of a chopped-up driver at the lodge and must quickly leave, with Harris going back to retrieve the passports. They struggle to start the minibus and escape the clearing surrounded by bear traps, all while dealing with Gareth's gruesome leg injury.

Strengths "Intense and high-stakes scene that propels the plot forward while maintaining tension. The quick decisions made by characters show their abilities and flaws. The scene leaves a lasting impact on the audience."

Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue felt forced and unnatural, particularly Steve's exclamations. There could be more emotional depth for the characters and the consequence of the gruesome scene could be explored more fully."

Critique The scene is tense and well-written, with a clear sense of rising panic and urgency. The reveal of the chopped-up driver is suitably shocking, and the reactions of the characters feel realistic and believable. The use of brief, action-focused sentences and dialogue helps to convey the chaos and confusion of the moment.

However, some of the characters feel underdeveloped and lack distinct personalities. Jill, for example, is simply filling a plastic bag with frozen peas and pancakes, without any sense of who she is or how she fits into the group. More attention could also be paid to the setting and atmosphere - while the lodge is mentioned, there's little sense of what it actually looks like or how intense the darkness is outside.

Overall, the scene is effective in generating tension and drama, but could benefit from more attention to character development and setting.

Suggestions 1. The scene could benefit from more clarity in terms of the timeline. It is unclear how much time has passed since they left Gareth, and how long they have been packing their bags. Adding a clear indication of the time would make the scene flow better.

2. There is a lack of tension and buildup leading up to the shocking discovery of the driver's remains. Adding more foreshadowing, such as hints of danger or an ominous tone, would add more depth and intrigue to the scene.

3. The dialogue could be improved by showing more individual reactions to the situation. Currently, the characters all seem to have the same level of shock and panic, which distracts from the realism of the situation. Giving each character a unique and realistic response would make the scene more impactful.

4. In terms of visuals, more attention could be given to the staging and blocking of the characters, especially during the discovery of the driver's remains. The moment feels rushed and underplayed, which takes away from the gravity of the situation. Giving more space and attention to the aftermath would emphasize the horror of the discovery.

5. Finally, the pacing of the scene could be improved by trimming some of the unnecessary dialogue and actions. Cutting down on some of the banter before the discovery and showing more of the aftermath would make the scene more impactful without sacrificing important plot points.

Scene 23 - Crash and Burn

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The minibus screeches around another corner, Billy hanging
precariously out of the window, shining his torch.

Suddenly, something makes all four tyres blow out. Sparks
fly up from the wheels as the bus slides all over the road.

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

Billy falls to the floor. Harris struggles with the wheel.

HARRIS
What the fuck-

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The minibus runs right into a tree, crumpling the front
instantly, and stops dead - somebody smashes straight
through the windscreen.

SMASH CUT TO:

BLACK SCREEN

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

Everyone lies around the place in a heap, unconscious.
60.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The minibus is wrecked. Smoke pours from the crumpled front.
The door has come open, and Jill has rolled out of it, a
huge cut on her head oozing blood.

She stands up, completely concussed and confused. One eye is
swollen shut, the other keeps getting blood in it from the
cut on her head.

She wanders off, unsure who she is or what's going on,
occasionally wiping her eye. She's totally confused.

JILL
Mum? I can't sleep. There was a...
accident...

She disappears into the forest.

About twenty feet away, Harris lies in a heap.

He is still alive. Blood oozes from his mouth. His eyes
open, narrowly, and he sees someone standing near him. They
are wearing the boots with the military insignia.

They start walking towards Harris. Harris tries crawling
away, making slow progress. Every inch causes him agonising
pain, and more blood seeps from his wounds.

He stops, realising that his ankle is impaled on the inch-
thick stump of a tree branch. He can't get away unless he
frees himself. He pulls at his leg, screaming in pain.

Slowly, Harris pulls his leg off the branch, and tries
crawling away again. The owner of the boots catches up
fairly easily. Harris looks up, woozily.

A large axe is raised up, and swiftly brought down.

Harris' POV: Everything spins around and gradually comes to
a halt, looking at Harris' body, which is missing his head.

Normal view: We see Harris' head lying in the road, several
yards from his body. He looks at his own body, and for a
second or two, his expression says "I told you so".

Harris' POV: Still looking at his body. Everything goes out
of focus, and fades to black.

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

Billy comes round first, slowly. He appears to be leaning
against the side of the bus. We pull back, turn 90 degrees,
and reveal that the bus is on its side.
61.

The side of the bus is now the floor. Billy looks around. He
isn't sure where he is for a moment, but then it all comes
back.

He looks at the hole in the windscreen, the empty driver's
seat. He pulls himself up, wincing at the pain from a large
wound in his shoulder.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The smashed front of the bus bursts into flames.

INT. MINIBUS - NIGHT

The others are starting to come round. Billy gets to his
feet, unsteadily. He sees the fire.

BILLY
Everybody out! Quick!

Everyone is battered and bruised. Gareth has become lodged
between two seats, his left arm twisted at an odd angle.
Billy and Maggie manhandle him out.

Glass crunches under their feet as they shuffle around.
Maggie pauses to pull two pieces of glass out of her
forearm, wincing. Richard has got gravel stuck to his face.

Steve throws up at the back of the bus. He climbs out of the
broken back window, followed by the others.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

Billy, Maggie and Steve bring Gareth out the back window,
awkwardly. Gareth groans in pain, tears streaming down his
face. Richard just stands there, shellshocked.

The gang stand around, dazed. Billy notices the blown tyres.
Maggie calls out to him, upset. She has spotted Harris'
body, about twenty yards away.

Billy goes over to look. He sees the condition of the body,
and screws his eyes tightly shut. He opens them again, and
turns back to the group.

The minibus is now completely ablaze. Even if the engine had
survived the crash, the fire is now destroying it. The five
survivors stand there, staring at it helplessly.

BILLY
Has anyone seen Jill?

Billy looks around. Nobody is in any state for rational
thought, least of all Richard. Billy realises that somebody
needs to take charge - reluctantly, he takes the job.
62.

BILLY
We need to get back to the lodge.
Steve, Richard, give me a hand with
Gareth.

Steve comes over, but Richard stares into space. Billy
shouts at Richard, making him jump.

BILLY (CONT)
RICHARD!
(then, gently)
Give us a hand.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

Billy leads the survivors back along the road. Animals
chitter and screech in the woods, making everyone flinch.
Billy, Steve and Richard carry Gareth, awkwardly.

Billy is determined to keep it together, although his eyes
are terrified. He constantly checks that everyone is keeping
up, making sure Gareth is okay.

BILLY
JILL? Jiiiiill? Can you hear us?

Richard is trying to convince himself everything's going to
be fine, not very convincingly.

RICHARD
She'll find her way back to the
lodge. She has to.

Genres: ["Horror","Survival"]

Summary The group's minibus suffers a catastrophic accident and they are left battered, bruised, and stranded. They must contend with the aftermath of the crash, attempting to care for wounded friend Gareth and dealing with the death of Harris. Meanwhile, Jill wanders away from the group, concussed and confused. Billy steps up to lead the group, determined to get them to safety.

Strengths "The scene is tense and emotionally affecting, with a significant development in the group's situation as they become stranded and must deal with the fallout of the accident. Billy steps up and takes charge, showing strong leadership skills."

Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat stilted, with characters making inappropriate jokes inappropriately. Some character actions, such as Richard's spacing out and Steve's vomiting, feel melodramatic and overdone."

Critique Overall, the scene has a clear arc, starting with the minibus accident and ending with the survivors making their way back to the lodge. The action is tense and suspenseful as the characters struggle to escape the wreckage and find safety. However, there are some areas that could be improved:

- The characters could be more developed. We don't know a lot about them other than their names and that they were on a minibus. Giving them more personality, backstory or relationships with each other would make us care more about their fates.

- Some details are unclear or inconsistent. For example, we don't know what caused the accident or who the person with the military boots is. Also, Jill's sudden memory loss and confusion seems contrived and doesn't fit with the realism of the rest of the scene.

- The dialogue could be more natural and varied. The characters mostly just shout and repeat each other's names. Adding more specific lines that reflect their personalities or situations would make them seem more like real people.

- The scene could benefit from more sensory description. If we could see, hear, smell and feel everything that's happening, we would be more immersed in the story. For example, mentioning the smell of smoke or the sound of animals would help build the atmosphere.

In summary, while the scene has some effective moments of tension and action, it could be improved by fleshing out the characters, clarifying the details, varying the dialogue and adding more sensory description.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the characters more: At this point in the script, the audience should be invested in the characters' well-being. Spend some time earlier in the script building their individual personalities, relationships, and backstories to make the scene more impactful.

2. Slow down the action: The scene moves very quickly, which makes it difficult for the audience to fully comprehend what's happening. Take time to describe the crashes and injuries in more detail, and allow the audience to experience it with the characters.

3. Increase tension: While there is definitely tension present in this scene, it could be elevated even further. Add suspenseful music, eerie sound effects, or more intense dialogue to keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

4. Simplify the action: There is a lot going on in this scene, with multiple crashes and injuries. Consider streamlining the action to make it more focused and easier to follow.

5. Build up to the climax: The final moments of this scene, where Harris is killed and the survivors are left stranded, should be a dramatic climax to this sequence. Build up to it more effectively with foreshadowing and increasing tension throughout the scene.

Scene 24 - Trapped in the Lodge

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. FOREST TREESTUMP - NIGHT

Jill is tied down with ropes and tent pegs, over a tree
stump. She still can't see properly. Someone moves around
her. She jerks her head around, terrified.

The figure asks her something in a foreign language.

JILL
I don't understand.

It asks her again, more impatiently, showing her a drawing
of the Palisade logo, but Jill can't see.

JILL
I don't understand! I don't speak
your language! Please, help me!

The figure asks Jill again. It sighs, and walks over to a
small tray of torture instruments - scalpels, pliers, forks,
needles, and so on. It chooses one.
63.

EXT. ROAD TO LODGE - NIGHT

The rest of the gang are still heading back to the lodge,
frightened and shellshocked at the loss of Harris and Jill.

Richard stumbles, and they drop Gareth, who screams. Richard
has tripped over a board with loads of nails in it - and
Gareth has landed on it, on his other leg.

Billy bends down for a closer look. The board has been
placed deliberately in the road, all the nails pointing
sharp end upwards - the cause of their blown tyres.

They pick up Gareth and head off. Steve mutters to himself.

STEVE
This is fucked up. Things like this
don't happen to people who work in
offices. They happen in horror
movies, to teenage birds with big
tits. Not us. Not us.

They are nearly at the lodge clearing. A twig snaps in the
forest behind them. They stop for a second, and look. They
can't see anything.

They all instinctively start running.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

The gang run full speed back to the lodge. They hear another
noise in the forest, and Steve screams like a three year old
girl. They make it to the lodge, and pile inside.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

They get in, and barricade the door shut, as firmly as they
can. Billy looks out the window, but can't see anything.
Richard has a cut on his arm - he holds it, in pain.

Billy's shoulder is bleeding. Maggie has a cut over her eye.
Steve has a limp, but paces nervously anyway. They're all
shaken, and their clothes are torn in places.

Steve takes out his bag of drugs. He knocks back a few
pills, swigging from his hip flask. He then takes out a
large joint, and lights it with shaking hands.

Richard is still trying to keep up the illusion that
everything's going to be fine. And that means rules.

RICHARD
Is that a marijuana cigarette?
64.

STEVE
Yes. A great big fat one, and
you're not getting any.

RICHARD
Are you aware that taking drugs in
the workplace is gross misconduct?

STEVE
We're not in the workplace, you
muppet. We're in Apocalypse fucking
Now or something, and I'm going to
get off my tits.

Steve smokes his joint, trembling. He jumps up to look out
of the window, then sits down again to smoke.

MAGGIE
Okay, the minibus driver's been
missing since Friday, his company
will be looking for him.

BILLY
Not over the weekend. He won't be
missed until Monday morning.
Neither will we, for that matter.
And where the hell is George?

RICHARD
He should be here.

BILLY
Yes, thank you Richard, I'm aware
that he *should* be here. But he is
*not* here.

STEVE
Somebody got him. He's going to get
us, too. We're all going to die.

BILLY
We're not going to die. We're going
to keep watch tonight, then first
thing in the morning, we start
walking. Okay?

Everybody seems okay with this plan, mainly because they
don't have any better ideas. Steve carries on smoking.

Billy glances at Maggie, who nods at him, trying to reassure
him that he's doing okay.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

Crickets chirp, owls hoot, things rustle. The faint light
from the lodge window glows.
65.

Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary The group returns to the lodge after a series of traumatic events. They are injured and scared, barricading themselves inside. They plan to leave in the morning and start walking to safety.

Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the group's fear and uncertainty. The dialogue is tense and realistic, adding to the overall feeling of unease. The high stakes keep the audience engaged."

Weaknesses "This scene mainly consists of the group talking and planning their next move, which may be less exciting than other scenes in the script. Some dialogue may come across as cliche or unoriginal."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written, with a clear sense of tension and suspense building throughout. There are a few minor areas where the writing could be tightened or clarified, such as when it says "Someone moves around her" without further description of what the figure is doing. Additionally, the dialogue could be further nuanced to differentiate the characters and their voices.

In terms of structure, the scene effectively cuts between different locations and characters to build a sense of escalation and urgency. The use of short sentences and fragments also contribute to the fast-paced and intense nature of the scene.

Overall, with some minor adjustments for clarity and nuance in the dialogue, this scene effectively creates tension and suspense, and engages the reader in the story.

Suggestions As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot provide personal suggestions to improve the scene. However, I can provide some general feedback.

The scene seems intense and suspenseful, which is good for a horror movie. However, there are a few ways to improve it.

Firstly, it's unclear who the figure is that is torturing Jill. Is it a member of the gang, or is it someone else entirely? Add some context to make this clearer.

Secondly, it's important to create tension not just through action, but also through dialogue. Add more dialogue between the gang members to show their fear and desperation.

Finally, the gang's decision to barricade themselves in the lodge seems like a last-resort option. Consider adding more options for them to explore and ways for them to try to fight back against the danger they face.

Scene 25 - Surviving the Night

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Billy carries a mattress into the main room. There are now
five mattresses huddled around the fireplace. Their bags sit
in a pile next to the mattresses.

Billy's shoulder is bandaged with a torn sheet. Maggie has a
plaster on her forehead. Richard's arm is bandaged, too.
Maggie sits by the window, chainsmoking.

Billy has an idea. He searches Gareth's bag. He finds a
whistle, the Swiss army knife, and some paintball guns.

BILLY
Funny, isn't it? We work for an
arms company, but we don't have any
weapons now we need them.

The others just look at him.

BILLY (CONT)
Not "funny ha ha", obviously...

STEVE
Give me a gun.

BILLY
It's a paintball gun.

STEVE
Give me a gun.

Billy shrugs, and hands it over. Steve grabs it, cocks it,
and immediately seems happier, though still twitchy. Steve
pops some pills, and takes a swig of his hip flask.

Billy takes some long plastic poles out of Gareth's bag. He
checks the sink - the only metal piece of cutlery is a
spork. Billy throws it away, annoyed.

He picks up a chair, and smashes it to pieces. He sharpens
the metal parts against the fireplace. He gets out a tin of
deodorant and a lighter, and tries some flamethrowing.

He looks at the weapons - metal spikes, some pathetic
spears, a penknife, the deodorant and lighter - it's not
much, but gives them a bit more of a chance.

Billy starts a fire in the fireplace, to warm them all up.
Gareth comes to, and pitches his oar in. He's a bit woozy,
and doesn't seem to realise where he is or what's going on.

GARETH
My foot... it's so itchy... can
someone scratch my foot please? The
left one.
66.

Steve looks at Gareth. His left foot is the one that is
missing. Billy looks at Steve, realising something.

BILLY
Did anyone bring the plastic bag?

Clearly, nobody did. There is an awkward silence.

GARETH
Is it time for the team games?

BILLY
No, go back to sleep.

GARETH
I think some word games would cheer
us all up.

STEVE
We don't need cheering up, you
muppet, we need rescuing!

GARETH
If you aim for the moon and miss,
you'll land in the stars.

Steve loses his temper.

STEVE
Oh, give it a fucking rest! This
constant positive shite is driving
me up the wall! You float around in
airy-fairy land, thinking
everything is brilliant - well it's
not! People are shit! Life is shit!
You are shit! It's all shit! People
are dying, including you if we
don't get you help. Can't you see
that?

There is a long, long pause while Gareth thinks about this.
Steve looks hopeful - maybe it's sunk in, finally.

GARETH
Paintball?

Gareth passes out again. Steve rolls his eyes. Billy takes
off Gareth's dressing and inspects the wound. Blood still
seeps out slowly. Gareth's face is really white.

Billy gets another shirt out. He ties another tourniquet
around Gareth's leg, tightly. Gareth wakes up, yelling.

BILLY
Steve, got any pills that might
work as a painkiller?
67.

Steve gets his bag out, and picks out various different
types of pills. He shows Billy a handful.

STEVE
Any one of these should do.

Billy grabs them all, and gives two to Gareth.

STEVE
Oi! They're a tenner each!

BILLY
He needs them.

STEVE
So do I!

Gareth looks at the pills. Billy hands him some water.

GARETH
I don't take drugs, thank you.

BILLY
Would you prefer the pain?

Gareth eyes the two pills suspiciously. One is bright blue,
the other is red and green. He pops them in his mouth, and
knocks them back. Billy hands him the rest of the pills.

BILLY (CONT)
Take another two in a few hours.

STEVE
Such a waste of good drugs.

BILLY
Who wants first watch?

Nobody answers.

BILLY (CONT)
That'd be me, then.

Everyone makes their beds, and settles down for the night.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Maggie wakes up quickly, alarmed, almost screaming, to find
Billy shaking her shoulder. Maggie looks around the room.
Everyone else is fast asleep.

Billy hands over the tiny Swiss army knife. Maggie gets up,
while Billy goes to bed.

DISSOLVE TO:
68.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Maggie keeps watch, holding the penknife with the corkscrew
pointing out. She looks around, nervously.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Steve is keeping watch now, while the others sleep. Steve
holds the paintball gun tightly, breathing really quickly.

His eyes are wide. He's terrified. He whips his head around,
eyes darting all around the lodge.

The tap drips. Steve whips around and shoots at it. The
paintball splatters on the sink. Steve calms down.

The wind blows down the chimney, making the fireplace
whisper. Steve panics, and shoots at it before he realises
what it is. He calms down again.

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: ["horror","thriller"]

Summary The group tries to make the best of their situation by gathering what limited weapons they have and taking turns to keep watch. They tend to Gareth's injury and try to keep his pain under control with pills.

Strengths "The scene creates a feeling of tension and unease as the group struggles to survive with limited resources and no immediate rescue in sight. The dialogue and character interactions provide insight into their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the story."

Weaknesses "The scene focuses mainly on the characters and their struggles to survive, without much forward progress in the plot. Some moments drag on too long, without much happening to keep the audience engaged."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tense and uncertain atmosphere of the cabin in the woods. The use of props and actions, such as Billy searching through the bags for weapons and sharpening a chair against the fireplace, adds to the sense of desperation and ingenuity in the characters' attempts to survive.

One small critique would be the use of silence and long pauses, which may work better on the page than on screen, where they could potentially slow down the pacing of the scene. Another critique would be the lack of character development. While the characters have distinct physical traits and injuries, their personalities and motivations are not fully fleshed out, making it difficult for the audience to emotionally invest in their survival.

Overall, with a few minor adjustments, this scene could be an effective and gripping sequence in a tense thriller or survival film.

Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene, particularly in terms of character development and pacing. Here are some suggestions:

1. Develop characters: While we see some physical injuries (bandaged shoulder, plaster on forehead), we don't get a sense of the characters' emotional or psychological states. For example, are they frightened? Frustrated? Angry? Are any of them experiencing PTSD from the crash? Adding some more dialogue or inner monologue would help to flesh out the characters and make them more relatable.

2. Pace the scene: The scene feels quite long and static, with not much happening beyond the characters gathering weapons and tending to Gareth's injuries. Consider tightening up the dialogue and action to move the scene along and keep the audience engaged. For example, do we need to see Billy smashing up a chair and flamethrowing deodorant? Does this add anything to the story or character development?

3. Vary dialogue: The dialogue between the characters is quite repetitive, with a lot of bickering and arguing over the same points (the lack of weapons, the need for rescuing, etc). Consider varying the dialogue to keep it fresh and interesting. Perhaps the characters could reveal more about themselves or their backgrounds, or discuss different strategies for survival.

4. Build tension: The scene doesn't have a lot of tension or suspense, despite the characters being trapped in a lodge in the wilderness. Consider building up the tension through the use of sound, lighting, or music, and introducing more external threats (wild animals, harsh weather conditions, etc) to keep the characters on their toes.

5. Add stakes: What are the consequences if the characters don't get rescued? What is at stake for each character individually? Adding some clearer stakes and goals would help to give the scene more purpose and urgency.

Scene 26 - Gareth is Dragged Away

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 5

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Steve is sitting bolt upright, shivering in fear. He checks
his watch, then kicks Richard, waking him up.

Richard looks around. We see that there are approximately
427,000 paintball splashes everywhere. Steve gets into bed.
Richard sighs.

Richard goes and sits in the chair, covering himself with a
blanket. He looks around - everyone else is asleep. Richard
rests his head against the chair.

In less than thirty seconds, Richard's eyes droop closed.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Richard, supposedly on watch, is fast asleep. Everyone else
is asleep too. Gareth comes to every now and again. His pile
of pills is much smaller.

Gareth wakes up, slowly. He looks around, unsure where he is
for a minute. He sees Richard asleep, and tries to speak,
but is too mashed on the pills. He pops another two.

Gareth sees a face at the window. He blinks, but it is gone.
He's not sure if he really saw it or not. His vision is
starting to blur and swim before his eyes.
69.

Gareth takes a sip from his glass of water, and mumbles to
himself. He looks up sharply at the window. There was
definitely something there that time.

He tries to reach for the glass of water again, but can't
move at all now, thanks to the pills. He looks at the object
in the window, trying to concentrate.

Gareth frowns. It's not something outside the window at all -
it's a reflection, of something inside the room..

Gareth's eyes widen. He becomes aware of quiet, stealthy
footsteps behind him. He twists, trying to turn around, but
is too stiff and woozy. He drops his pills.

They fall to the ground. Behind Gareth's foot, we see the
pair of boots with military insignia and spurs approaching,
very slowly so as not to make them jangle.

Gareth is terrified. The only things he can move quickly are
his eyes. He rolls them around, desperately trying to get
his body to catch up.

Gareth tries craning his head around, but can't get the
angle right. Somebody stands just behind him, not moving
now, just standing, breathing softly.

Gareth tries to speak again, but just manages to make soft
moaning sounds. Saliva drops from the corner of his mouth.
He tries screaming, but no sound comes out.

Gareth breathes heavily, willing himself to move. It's no
use. He moans softly, tears trickling from his eyes. The
boots come closer to Gareth. Gareth closes his eyes.

Gareth's chair tilts backwards, and is slowly dragged away,
out of the room.

INT. LODGE CELLAR STEPS - NIGHT

Gareth is slowly dragged down the steps, his head bumping
off each step in turn.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - NIGHT

Gareth is dragged into the cellar. There is a pause, and we
hear a click. Gareth is becoming woozier by the second.

INT. UNKNOWN - NIGHT

Gareth is being dragged along the floor of somewhere we
can't quite make out.
70.

Gareth's POV: blurry, distorted glimpses of sawdust, a cage,
and then the silhouette of a man in a chair with what looks
like huge antennae coming out the top of his head.

Gareth screams.

Genres: []

Summary Gareth wakes up from his pills-induced haze and senses someone watching him through the window. He sees a reflection of a figure behind him and quickly becomes incapacitated by fear, unable to move or scream. He is then dragged away to an unknown location.

Strengths "The suspenseful pacing of the scene and the use of Gareth's physical limitations to heighten tension. The ominous presence of the figure behind Gareth and the unknown location he is being dragged to."

Weaknesses "Some of the character actions and dialogue are unclear or lack context."

Critique Overall, the scene has a strong sense of tension and suspense. However, there are a few areas that could use improvement:

1. The paintball references in the beginning feel out of place and unnecessary. It doesn't add anything to the plot and could be removed for a cleaner scene.

2. The description of Gareth popping pills could be more subtle or nuanced. It's important to handle topics like drug use with care and not to glamorize or trivialize it.

3. The description of the unknown location where Gareth is being dragged could benefit from more details. It's hard to visualize what's going on and where they are.

Overall, the scene has potential with some fine-tuning and more attention to detail.

Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and build-up to the moment Gareth sees the face at the window. Perhaps the characters could have heard strange noises or experienced unexplained occurrences leading up to this moment, adding to the suspense. Additionally, adding more sensory details could enhance the horror elements - such as describing the smell of decay in the cellar or the sound of dripping water. Lastly, it may be more effective to show the audience the silhouette of the man in the chair before Gareth does, creating a sense of dramatic irony.

Scene 27 - The Search for Gareth

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Billy wakes up, noticing that Richard is asleep. He checks
his watch - it reads 4:17AM. Billy gets up, then notices
that Gareth is missing.

He runs over and kicks Richard's chair over. Richard hits
the floor with a clatter, and Billy is right on him.

BILLY
You're supposed to be on watch!

RICHARD
I just closed my eyes for a sec-

BILLY
Actually, *I'm* supposed to be on
watch, you should have woken me at
four! Gareth's missing! Somebody
must have got in and-

They all look at the door. It is still barricaded.

BILLY (CONT)
He's been in here the whole time.
We'll have to search the lodge,
find out where he's hiding.

STEVE
You're having a giraffe! Let's just
wait till morning, then walk, like
we said.

BILLY
He could have killed us all, while
we were asleep. He's up to
something. So we're not just going
to sit around and wait until he
attacks us again.

RICHARD
Well I'm not wandering around this
place at night. Count me out.

Richard is still under the impression that he is in charge.
Billy looks up slowly, suddenly furious with him.

BILLY
"Count you out"? People are dying,
you ignorant prick, so I'm counting
you the fuck in.
71.

Richard draws himself up, and delivers what he thinks is a
complete bombshell:

RICHARD
That was your last chance, mister.
As soon as we get back, I'm talking
to George. No transfer, no nothing -
you're fired.

Billy stares at Richard, astonished, almost amused that
Richard actually believes that he cares.

BILLY
Are you serious? Harris is dead,
thanks to you insisting we come
here with no safety net, probably
Jill and Gareth too, and I'll make
sure you go to prison for it. But
first, you're going to help us.

Steve is enjoying the show. Maggie is watching, impressed.
Richard is desperately clinging on, in vain.

RICHARD
I'm still the manager here, buster.
And you still do what I say.

BILLY
Not any more. Office hours are
over.

RICHARD
Oh, really? Says who?

BILLY
Says. Fucking. Me.

Billy pokes Richard in the chest three times as he speaks,
once for each word. He is inches away from Richard's face.

Richard stares at him, breathing hard, lower lip trembling
ever so slightly. He has lost, and he knows it. He caves in,
wandering over to the window.

Billy hands out the weapons.

BILLY
Okay. Two teams. Steve, you and
Richard take this floor and the
cellar, Maggie and me will do
upstairs. That way he can't dodge
us by-

Billy pauses, noticing the paint splashes.

BILLY (CONT)
Why is there paint everywhere?
72.

Everybody looks at Steve. Steve shrugs.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Billy and Maggie walk along the hallway, warily. All the
lights are on.

BILLY
Gareth? Gareth, can you hear us?

MAGGIE
Gareth!

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Steve and Richard walk along the hallway, terrified. The
lights are on down here, too.

STEVE
Gareth! Where are you, you ponce?

INT. UNKNOWN - NIGHT

Gareth lies on the floor, bound and gagged. We can't see
anything in the room, only that it is lit by a red light.

We hear the sound of a knife being sharpened. Gareth
struggles weakly, terrified. A gloved hand holds the same
drawing of the Palisade logo in front of his face.

The unseen figure asks the same question they asked Jill.

INT. GARETH'S ROOM - NIGHT

Billy and Maggie enter. Billy motions Maggie to get ready,
while he checks under the bed. There's nothing there.
Relieved, they walk out.

INT. RICHARD'S ROOM - NIGHT

Billy and Maggie approach the bed. The sheet hangs down over
the edge. Billy motions to Maggie. She nods, then whips the
sheet up as Billy lunges in with his metal spike.

He jumps back, seeing a darkened face. He stops, and pulls
out a copy of "Management Today", with a big picture of a
smiling Bill Gates on the front.

Billy lets out his breath, and stabs Bill's picture anyway,
throwing the magazine aside. Maggie manages a half smile.
They leave the room.
73.

INT. MAGGIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Billy and Maggie check the bed. There is nothing there.
Billy nods, shrugging at the same time. They move on.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Billy wakes up and notices that Gareth is missing. He believes he might be up to something nefarious and convinces the group to search the lodge for him. Meanwhile, Gareth is bound and gagged in an unknown location and is being questioned by an unknown figure. The group splits up and searches the lodge, finding nothing.

Strengths

tension-building dialogue
suspenseful action

Weaknesses

limited character development

Critique Overall, this scene is well written and moves the plot forward, but there are some areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the dialogue feels a bit on the nose, particularly in the exchange between Billy and Richard about who's in charge. It could benefit from a more subtle approach that leaves more to the subtext.

Secondly, there could be more description of the characters' actions and emotions to better convey the tension of the scene. For example, rather than just stating that Richard is "desperately clinging on," we could see physical signs of his desperation, such as sweating or trembling hands.

Finally, the scene ends somewhat abruptly, with Billy and Maggie checking the final room and finding nothing. It could benefit from a stronger closing beat, such as a hint of what's to come or a revelation that changes the characters' goals.

Overall, this scene is effective in building the suspense and advancing the plot, but with some tweaks to the dialogue and description, it could be even more compelling.

Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Establish the stakes: There needs to be a clear sense of danger and urgency to the scene. The audience should know what the consequences are if Gareth isn't found or if they fail to apprehend the supposed threat. Without this sense of danger, the scene loses its tension and becomes less engaging.

2. Make the dialogue more realistic: Some of the dialogue feels forced and contrived, particularly the exchange between Richard and Billy. Try to make the characters' reactions and responses more natural and in line with their personalities and motivations.

3. Add visual elements: The scene can benefit from more visual cues to increase the tension. For example, showing the group walking through dark, eerie corridors with flickering lights can add to the sense of danger. Additionally, showing Gareth in distress can help build suspense and make the threat more tangible.

4. Improve character dynamics: The character dynamics can be improved to make the scene more interesting. For example, rather than having Billy and Richard argue repeatedly, introduce more conflict between the other characters. This can add to the tension and create more interesting interactions.

5. Clarify the motives: It's not entirely clear why the characters are searching for Gareth or why they suspect him of wrongdoing. Adding more context or clues can help the audience understand why they are taking certain actions.

Scene 28 - The Hunted

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

INT. LODGE STUDY - NIGHT

This is the room Richard was using as an office, with the
desk, chairs, and an ottoman-style chest. Steve and Richard
walk in. Richard checks under the desk. Nothing there.

They walk over to the ottoman chest. This looks recently
used. Steve glances at Richard. Richard readies his metal
spike, and gets ready, breathing hard.

Steve throws open the lid. Gareth's foot is inside. Steve
yells, and slams the chest shut.

STEVE
He's pissing us about, now.

Richard picks up the framed photo of his wife and kid, and
puts it in his pocket.

STEVE (CONT)
Any other rooms on this floor?

RICHARD
No. Just the cellar downstairs.

STEVE
Bollocks.

They leave the room, reluctantly.

INT. UNKNOWN - NIGHT

Gareth hears Steve and Richard's footsteps coming down the
stairs. He must be fairly close to where they are. He starts
trying to scream through his taped-shut mouth.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - NIGHT

Richard and Steve enter the cellar, trying to stay behind
each other. They wave their torches around quickly, trying
to see everywhere at once.

Steve kicks at something under a sheet, then quickly pulls
the sheet off. It is a large armchair.

Richard opens a few drawers in the filing cabinets. They are
all filled with the old files. Richard looks like he has an
idea of what's going on, and doesn't like it at all.
74.

Steve lifts up another sheet, then crouches down to shine
the torch underneath the others. It all looks reassuringly
furniture-like. Steve stands up again, quickly.

RICHARD
Well?

STEVE
Nothing.

INT. UNKNOWN - NIGHT

Gareth hears Steve and Richard talking - they sound very
close now. Again, he tries to call out to them. He can only
make a muffled grunting noise.

A pair of gloved hands throw a burlap bag over Gareth's
head, to muffle his noise. A knife glints, and moves to
Gareth's stomach. Gareth's muffled screams get louder.

We hear Steve and Richard leaving, walking up the stairs
again. There is a faint ripping sound, and Gareth is dragged
out of view.

INT. SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT

A large room with nothing but a ramshackle wardrobe in the
corner. Billy approaches it, while Maggie watches. He
reaches out slowly for the handle. He quickly opens it.

There is nothing inside.

Billy leaves the wardrobe doors open, and faces Maggie, who
nods at him, relieved. In the background, the wardrobe,
overbalanced with its doors open, falls over with a crash.

Billy and Maggie jump, turning to look at the wardrobe. They
look at each other, and leave the room.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Steve and Richard enter the room. Richard puts the photo of
his wife and kids on the table. Steve paces impatiently.

STEVE
For fuck's sake. How long do the
nights last in this poxy country?

Steve kicks the desk, and the picture of Richard's wife and
kids falls to the floor, cracking the glass. Richard rushes
over, grabs it, and suddenly starts crying.

Steve can't deal with this at all, he's not equipped.
75.

STEVE
Fuck. I'm sorry, I'll buy you
another frame, all right?

RICHARD
It's not the frame. It's Sara. She
left me six months ago.

STEVE
Oh bloody hell.

RICHARD
I screwed it up, just like I screw
everything up. I'm a failure.

STEVE
You're not a failure.

RICHARD
I am. I lost us the Jefferson
contract. That's why we had to do
this team building thing.

STEVE
Eh?

RICHARD
George didn't want to single me
out, so he made us all do it.

STEVE
Fucking hell...

RICHARD
Please don't tell the others.

STEVE
Okay, just stop crying.

Richard stands up, still crying, and suddenly hugs Steve,
crying on his shoulder. Steve is utterly horrified. For a
moment, he looks like he's going to push Richard away.

Steve shakes his head, closes his eyes, and puts his arms
around Richard. Richard sobs away, while Steve tries to make
him feel better, incredibly awkwardly.

RICHARD
I'll never find another woman to
love me. I'll die alone.

STEVE
You'll be all right. You'll find
someone else, you'll see.

RICHARD
I won't! I'm boring and ugly.
76.

Billy and Maggie walk in, and see Steve and Richard hugging.
Steve and Richard don't see them.

STEVE
Stop that. You're not boring. And
you're not ugly, either. If I was a
woman-

They notice Billy and Maggie. They pull apart, quickly,
Richard wiping his eyes. Billy and Maggie keep staring.

MAGGIE
What's that on your shoes?

Her voice is quiet and brittle. She points at Steve and
Richard's feet. Everyone looks down.

Steve and Richard's shoes are covered in blood. They look on
the floor, and see their bloody footprints leading from the
door. Steve's face goes white, and he looks petrified.

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

The wind howls outside, worse than before. Billy, Maggie,
Steve and Richard stand there, looking down the hall. The
footprints come from the archway leading to the cellar.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary The group searches the lodge for Gareth, discovering clues that he may have been abducted. Richard's personal struggles are revealed, and Steve and Richard's shoes are found to be covered in blood.

Strengths "The tension and suspense are expertly built throughout the scene, and the revelation of Richard's personal struggles adds a deeper layer to the story."

Weaknesses "The dialogue between Steve and Richard initially feels stilted and unnatural, but it eventually becomes more authentic."

Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer action lines and descriptions to make the various movements of the characters more distinct. There are several moments where it is unclear who is doing what, such as when Richard picks up the photo and puts it in his pocket, or when Steve notices the blood on their shoes. Additionally, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and unnatural, particularly during the conversation between Steve and Richard where they express their emotions. Some work could be done to make the characters' speech more nuanced and authentic. Finally, the scene ends on a cliffhanger, but it is unclear what is supposed to be happening. The final line about the footprints leading to the cellar doesn't leave the reader with a clear sense of what to anticipate next.

Suggestions 1. The scene lacks tension and suspense. To improve it, consider adding more description and sensory details to help the audience feel like they are in the room with the characters. Use lighting, sound effects, and camera angles to create a sense of unease and foreboding.

2. The dialogue could be more natural and less exposition-heavy. Try to show the characters' personalities and motivations through their actions and words, instead of telling the audience what's going on.

3. Consider adding more stakes to the scene. What's at risk if Steve and Richard don't find Gareth? Why are they under pressure to do so quickly? Create a clear goal for the characters and a sense of urgency to drive the action forward.

4. The emotional moment between Steve and Richard feels out of place and could be cut down or moved to a different scene. As it stands, it interrupts the flow of the scene and doesn't add much to the overall plot.

5. Lastly, consider adding a twist or unexpected revelation to the scene. This will keep the audience engaged and guessing about what will happen next.

Scene 29 - The Cellar Discovery

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 10
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. CELLAR STEPS - NIGHT

The gang walk down the steps, very slowly.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - NIGHT

They shine their torches at the ground, and see a huge
bloodstain. It looks as if someone was dragged through the
room, bleeding heavily.

The blood path goes right across the floor, and past the
desk near the corner. It goes under a large, dirty rug.
Billy grabs the rug and throws it to one side.

It reveals a large trapdoor with a rope handle. Billy gives
it a pull - it is not locked. He looks at the others.

Everyone gets their weapons ready. As quietly as possible,
Billy pulls the trapdoor open. They all peer in. It is very
dark. Stone steps lead down into the darkness.

INT. CELL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Billy comes down the steps, followed by Maggie, Steve and
Richard. They are in a dark corridor. Billy reaches around
looking for the light switch. He finds it, and turns it on.
77.

A red light bulb illuminates the hallway in a stark, red
glow. Everyone jumps.

The hallway is lined with prison cells on one side. All of
the doors are closed, except for the last one at the end.

On the other side of the hallway are some normal rooms. The
doors are all open. Near the steps, a load of rubbish is
piled up - personal belongings, papers, and so on.

The gang wander into the first room on the right.

INT. LARDER - NIGHT

This room is filled with dead, strung up animals. Billy
brushes against a deer, which suddenly violently rears up
and starts kicking and screaming.

Everyone screams and backs off. The deer is flailing and
kicking furiously, eyes rolling wildly. Maggie takes the
penknife and gets close enough to cut the rope quickly.

The deer falls to the ground, scrambles to its feet, and
runs up the stairs, the sound of its hooves incredibly loud
on the stone.

They hear it upstairs, crashing about for a while, until
there is silence. Shaken, they go back to the hallway.

INT. CELL HALLWAY - NIGHT

The cells on the left are dark and closed. The open cell at
the end is empty. They go into the next room on the right.

INT. TREATMENT ROOM - DAY

This is some sort of medical treatment room. The same red
light illuminates the area.

There are shelves full of medical supplies. Many of the
boxes and jars have been opened and scattered around the
floor, which is covered in water and other liquids.

There is a filthy metal autopsy table, with channels to
allow blood to drain through. It has been used recently.
Blood drips from it, slowly.

There are two large, dentist-type chairs in the middle of
the room - electro-shock treatment devices.

One of them is occupied. A naked man is strapped into the
chair, the two electro-shock electrode cups attached to the
top of his head, with wires coming out.
78.

The electro-shock must have been left running until he died -
the electrodes have been burned into his scalp, the skin
blackened and melted around them. They look like antennae.

He must be the "alien" Gareth thought he saw earlier. He has
clearly been dead for a long time. Steve can't take his eyes
off the corpse, and is very close to hysteria.

STEVE
Oh shit my fucking roof.

BILLY
Jill was right. I thought those
stories were made up. Richard, what
the fuck did Palisade do?

RICHARD
They were just rumours, I didn't
believe them. George always laughed
it off, but some people said he
oversaw the whole thing.

We see the scenes from Jill's story again, the Palisade logo
on the vans, but this time George strides around, directing
the "cleansing" operation.

BILLY
And one of them's still alive. No
wonder he's pissed off with us. He
thinks we did all this to him.

MAGGIE
A psycho war criminal. Great.
Aren't there any normal serial
killers anymore?

STEVE
We’ve got to get the fuck out of
here. Now.

RICHARD
In the dark? And go where?

STEVE
Fucking anywhere! I don't know.
We're dead if we stay here. Is
there anything on those maps?

RICHARD
There's nothing. Nothing. We're all
going to die.

BILLY
We're not going to die. We'll
follow that path through the
forest, it has to go somewhere.
79.

There is a thud from the ceiling. Everybody stops, and looks
up.

Outside, the generator noise sputters and coughs, and slowly
winds down. The lights dim, and slowly go out. They all
switch on their torches.

BILLY
Don't panic. Stay together.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - NIGHT

The gang come up the steps into the cellar.

There is another thud. It's something banging on the floor
of the room above them (the main room). The banging stops,
and something is scraped along the floor/ceiling.

MAGGIE
Maybe it's Gareth. Or Jill.

BILLY
Why would they make that noise?

MAGGIE
Maybe they're limping.

She's not convinced, and neither are the others. The
scraping stops. A squeak of metal, briefly. Then a trickle
of liquid into a metal container.

INT. LODGE CELLAR STEPS - NIGHT

The gang walk up the stairs, terrified. The trickling sound
continues, but is joined by a wet, ripping sound, like a
sheet of wet leather being torn in half, bit by bit.

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

They walk towards the main room. They come to the doorway.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary The group discovers a bloodstain and trapdoor leading to a disturbing medical treatment room where they find evidence of Palisade's atrocities, including a dead man strapped to an electro-shock chair. They realize that Gareth may have been abducted by the same 'alien' they saw earlier, and tensions rise as they try to find a way out.

Strengths "Strong use of setting and visuals to build suspense and horror; reveals key plot points and raises stakes; strong conflict and tension among characters."

Weaknesses "Dialogue could be stronger and more impactful; some character motivations could be clearer."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear descriptions and good pacing. The tension builds gradually as the gang explores the cellar and discovers the horrors within. The use of red lighting contributes to the creepy atmosphere and the reveal of the dead man in the electro-shock chair is a disturbing twist.

One minor suggestion would be to give more time to the gang's reactions to the discovery of the dead man. While Steve's reaction is described in detail, the others' responses could be fleshed out a bit more to increase the emotional impact of the scene.

Additionally, the final paragraph is a bit abrupt and could benefit from more detail or clarification about what the gang sees in the main room. Overall though, the scene effectively generates a sense of fear and unease.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Build tension and suspense: The scene could benefit from more buildup of tension and suspense before the gang enters the cellar. Maybe they hear strange noises or see shadows moving before they find the bloodstain.

2. Use visuals to convey horror: Rather than describing the dead deer, show its violent thrashing in a more vivid and terrifying way. Also, when the gang enters the treatment room, describe the gruesome scene in greater detail to make it more horrific.

3. Add character development: Take some time to explore each character's reactions and emotions throughout the scene. This will allow the audience to better understand their individual perspectives and responses to the horrific events unfolding around them.

4. Play with lighting: Use light and shadow to create an eerie and creepy atmosphere. For example, instead of a red light in the hallway, use flickering torches or candles to add to the suspense.

5. Show, don't tell: Rather than telling the audience about Jill's story or the Palisade logo on the vans, show these events happening through a flashback sequence or a visualization. This will make the scene more engaging and immersive for the audience.

Scene 30 - Escape and Pursuit

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 10
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 6

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

The gang stop in the doorway. There are still some candles
lit in the room, so they can see what's happening.

The hunter stands with his back to them, wearing his wide
brimmed hat. He does something to Gareth, who hangs upside
down from the ceiling hook.

Gareth is just barely still alive. Blood drains out of a
hole in his neck, filling up a dirty metal bucket - the
source of the trickling noise.
80.

One of his legs is attached to the meat hook, the other
hangs askew.

The hunter works on Gareth. We can't see exactly what he's
doing, but we can still hear the wet tearing noises.

The hunter wears old, dirty, army khaki gear and has a rifle
slung over his shoulder. His khaki gear is covered in the
military insignia we saw before.

The rifle is an old, military-style one with a bayonet - the
weird knife we saw earlier. The hunter gets ready to gut
Gareth with a large filleting knife.

Just before he does, Gareth spots the gang.

GARETH
I forgive you...

The hunter disembowels Gareth, slashing him across the
stomach. Richard gasps in shock. The hunter spins around,
holding up the knife, blood splattered on his face.

In the same movement, as he's turning, he's drawing back his
knife hand. He throws the knife, hard--

--which flies across the room and embeds itself into Billy's
forehead, right up to the hilt.

Billy's eyes go wide, and he sinks to the ground, turning to
look at Maggie as he does. He reaches out to her, then just
collapses.

MAGGIE
BILLY!

Billy is dead. The hunter starts walking towards the others.
Steve backs up. Richard is already running.

Maggie crouches down, desperately hoping that Billy isn't
too badly hurt, but quickly realises that he is gone. She
throws a look of sheer fury at the hunter, before running.

She follows Steve out of the room, both of them running as
fast as they can.

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Everyone panics. They run through the partial darkness,
torches waving everywhere, meeting the deer which comes
running towards them, screeching in the torchlight.

In the confusion, Richard heads down the stairs, Steve and
Maggie head up the stairs. They're running blind, just to
get away, terrified.
81.

INT. LODGE CELLAR - NIGHT

Richard bursts into the cellar, and runs down the stairs
into the prison section.

INT. CELL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Richard pulls the trapdoor closed. He notices a large wooden
bar under the door, and slots it into place, making the door
impossible to open from the other side.

He backs away, looking around wildly. He runs down to the
end of the cell hallway, and shines his torch around,
desperate to find a way out.

Around a corner from the cells is a homemade tunnel. He
climbs into it, awkwardly.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Steve and Maggie run into separate rooms, not even looking
at each other, in total panic.

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

Richard climbs out the tunnel exit, through a camouflaged
trapdoor. It is at the far end of the clearing, and
impossible to notice once it is closed.

Richard is free. He looks around, pleased with himself. He
runs into the woods, heading down the path.

INT. JILL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Steve runs in, looking for a place to hide. He glances out
the window, and sees Richard escaping into the forest. Steve
hides behind Jill's locker, terrified.

EXT. FORT CLEARING - NIGHT

Richard runs past the fort where they played paintball the
previous day. He keeps going, following the path.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

Richard runs through the forest. He gets into the clearing,
and slows down, panting. He checks that he's still on the
path. He wipes his forehead, and takes a step forward.

There is a faint click, and he freezes. He looks down, and
sees something that seems to take all the fight out of him.
He sags, looking like he's going to cry.
82.

RICHARD
*Fuck*...

INT. LODGE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

The hunter slowly walks along the hall, looking into the
rooms. One of his shoes squeaks softly.

INT. JILL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Steve is still behind the locker, in the dark. He shivers.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

The hunter comes up the stairs, and walks down the hallway,
looking into the rooms. One of the rooms catches his eye.

INT. SPARE BEDROOM - NIGHT

This is the spare bedroom with the wardrobe that collapsed
earlier. Apart from that, it's just a large, empty room,
full of shadows.

Faint moonlight from the tiny window shines into the middle
of the room. The hunter walks in slowly, looking around. He
can't see much. He stands in the square of faint light.

In one corner, deep in the shadows, Maggie stands completely
still. The wall juts out slightly, casting a thick shadow
over her, making her invisible.

The hunter slowly walks over towards Maggie, feeling his way
carefully. Maggie inches sideways, as fast as she can, but
desperately trying not to make a sound.

Every step the hunter takes, Maggie takes one too, like some
sort of weird dance. If Maggie breathes, she's caught.

The hunter feels around. At one point, his hand almost
touches Maggie. She flinches, but keeps quiet.

The hunter goes over to another corner, slowly, eyes still
not adjusting to the gloom. Maggie sees her chance. She
edges slowly over to the door, staying in the shadows.

As she passes the wall, a stray nail catches a thread from
her sleeve. She doesn't notice, but the thread comes out
more the further she moves from the nail.

She gets to the doorway, and outside, when the thread pings
off the nail. The hunter's head spins around. He walks
towards the door, but Maggie nimbly tiptoes out of sight.
83.

INT. LODGE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

The hunter walks into the hallway, listening. He's not sure
if what he heard was really one of the gang. He looks into
the nearest room.

Maggie is just inside the doorway of the next room, flat
against the wall.

Genres: ["horror","thriller"]

Summary The gang tries to escape the lodge after witnessing Gareth's brutal murder by the hunter. Richard manages to escape through a hidden tunnel, while Steve hides in Jill's room and Maggie plays a game of cat-and-mouse with the hunter in the spare bedroom.

Strengths "The scene builds on the tension and stakes of the previous scene, moving the plot forward and revealing more about the antagonist's motives. Maggie's clever use of the environment and Steve's desperate hiding heighten the audience's investment in the characters' survival."

Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat reliant on horror movie clich\u00e9s, such as characters making predictable decisions and the hunter's almost supernatural abilities to locate and pursue them. The dialogue is minimal and somewhat generic."

Critique Overall, this scene has great tension and suspense as the gang tries to escape the hunter who has already killed one of their own. The use of darkness and shadows adds to the fear factor. However, there are some areas that can be improved upon.

The description of the hunter could use more detail to make him a more memorable villain. The readers/viewers should be able to envision him clearly and be afraid of him. The wet tearing noises described during his work on Gareth should also be clarified as more gore can be off-putting for some viewers.

The death of Gareth is a bit rushed and doesn't give the readers/viewers enough time to feel the impact of the loss. Adding some lines of dialogue between him and the gang can add some emotional weight to his death.

Finally, the last part of the scene where Maggie is hiding from the hunter could be more intense. The dance between her and the hunter needs more tension to make the audience fear for her safety.

Overall, this scene captures the fear and tension of the gang's situation, but could use some improvements in character descriptions and emotional impact.

Suggestions The tension and suspense in this scene is very effective in building up the fear for the characters and audience. However, there are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Use more visual cues: While the descriptions of what is happening are clear, adding more visual cues will help bring the audience into the scene. For example, rather than just saying "blood splattered on his face," describe the color and texture of the blood, the way it drips down his face, etc.

2. Show more of the characters' reactions: The gang's reactions to what is happening are vital in building tension and fear. Showing more of their physical and emotional reactions will heighten the impact of the scene.

3. Give more context to the hunter: While the hunter's appearance and actions are described, there is no context given for his motivations or backstory. Incorporating this information will make his presence and actions more impactful.

4. Consider pacing: The scene is very intense, and while that's effective, it's important to give the audience moments to breathe. Consider adding in moments of silence or pauses in the action to give the audience a break before ramping up the tension again.

Scene 31 - Escape From Jill's Room

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 10
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. JILL'S ROOM - NIGHT

Steve is still behind the locker, waiting. He listens, bored
now. There is total and absolute silence. Steve stands up
slowly, deciding to get out of there.

STEVE
Fuck this...

He peers over the locker into the darkness. He switches on
his torch. It lights up the hunter's large, blood-splattered
face, right there in front of him.

Steve screams. The hunter swipes for him with his rifle
bayonet. It misses Steve, and sticks into the locker.

Steve scrambles around him, bumping into Maggie, who has
just run in. She shines her torch to see what is going on.

The hunter turns around, gun up. Steve throws some of Jill's
ornaments at him, and points his metal spike at him.

STEVE
Get back! I'll cut you! I'll
fuckin' cut you!

The hunter swipes at Steve and Maggie, cutting Steve on one
arm, the floor creaking alarmingly as they move around.

Maggie sees Jill's bag, and quickly rifles around in it for
something, anything. She grabs a can of deodorant, and takes
out a lighter.

She flame throws at the hunter a couple of times, trying to
keep him at bay. He isn't bothered, and comes for her, so
she gives him a full dose in the face.

He screams. Skin blisters on the side of his face. Maggie
does him again, but he dodges it. The curtains go up in
flames, one of them falling to the ground.

He knocks the deodorant can from Maggie's hand. It lands in
the flames, then explodes, sending flames shooting across
the floor, and shards of metal into his back.

He knocks all of Jill's toiletries off the dresser - they
smash, catching fire, and the flames spread right across the
room, all over the floor.
84.

Steve throws a punch at him, but the hunter is shouting in
pain again, so Steve catches him in the teeth, with a
scraping, squelching sound.

Steve looks at his hand. A tooth is embedded in a flap of
skin.

The hunter touches the new gap in his teeth. He comes at
Steve, furious. His foot goes through the floor. He looks
down.

Nobody moves. For a moment, nothing happens.

Then half of the floor gives way. Maggie and the hunter fall
through, holding onto the edges of the hole. They dangle
above the lodge main room below.

Gareth and Billy's bodies are still there.

Maggie is hanging on to the carpet, some of which is
burning. The hunter tries to grab her. Steve runs out of the
room.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Steve, Maggie, and the hunter have a violent confrontation in Jill's room, resulting in a massive fire and the floor collapsing beneath them.

Strengths "The tension is high throughout the scene, with the threat of violence always present. The use of fire adds an extra level of danger and excitement. There is also a good balance between action and dialogue."

Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit contrived or cliche. The scene may be too intense for some viewers."

Critique Overall, the scene is action-packed and intense, with a clear escalation of tension and danger as it progresses. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

- The dialogue could be strengthened. While it's clear that Steve and Maggie are in distress, their lines feel generic and could be more specific to their characters. Adding some subtext or emotion to their words would help deepen the scene.
- The physical action is vividly described, but there could be more attention paid to the setting and atmosphere. Is there a smell from the deodorant flames? What sounds do the falling objects make? Adding sensory details would bring the audience deeper into the scene.
- The stakes of the scene could be more explicitly stated. While we understand that the hunter is dangerous, it's not clear what exactly he wants or why he's pursuing Steve and Maggie. Adding more context to his motivations would make the scene feel more purposeful.

Suggestions The scene seems to have a lot going on, but it could benefit from some clarity and tightening up of the action. Here are some suggestions:

- Start with a clear establishment shot of the room and set the location before diving into the action.
- Consider adding some dialogue to establish the characters' motivations or emotions. Right now, they seem to be reacting solely to the situation at hand, but adding some subtext could deepen the scene.
- The action is hard to follow at times, with too many cuts and quick movements. Consider slowing down the pace and focusing on a few key moments to build tension.
- Be clear about the stakes of the scene: why do the characters need to fight the hunter? What will happen if they lose?
- Consider adding more sensory details to really immerse the audience in the scene. What does the burning room smell like? What do the characters feel as they're fighting?
- Finally, consider what the scene contributes to the overall story. Does it move the plot forward or reveal something new about the characters? If not, it may need to be reworked or cut.

Scene 32 - Escaping the Fire

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Steve runs into the room, looking up at the hunter and
Maggie, dangling. The hunter is trying to grab Maggie. Bits
of flaming debris are falling through the hole.

The ceiling is quite high, about fifteen feet off the
ground. Maggie's piece of carpet starts ripping. Steve grabs
the sofa, and moves it underneath Maggie.

STEVE
Jump!

Maggie lets go, landing awkwardly but without injury on the
sofa. The hunter looks down for something to land on.

Steve and Maggie quickly move everything out of his way, so
he has a longer way to fall, and move dangerous objects
underneath him instead. They throw cups and plates at him.

One of the cups hits his hand, shattering. The hunter lets
go, and falls, banging his head off the floor. Everybody
keeps their distance, as he is knocked out cold.

Steve jumps up and down, gleefully.

STEVE
Got you, you fucker!

MAGGIE
You okay?

STEVE
I think so, unless he's got rabies.
85.

Steve pulls the tooth out of his hand, wincing. He and
Maggie are shaken, and have some fresh cuts and bruises.
Maggie's face is smoke blackened.

They stamp out several small fires. The ceiling is still
burning, and they'll need to evacuate fairly soon. Steve
points at the hunter.

STEVE
What if he wakes up when we're
gone? Can't we just kill him?

MAGGIE
Not in cold blood. That's murder.

STEVE
But he killed B-

MAGGIE
I know what he did. But we're not
like him. We don't do that. Okay?

Steve grumbles and nods. A thought strikes him. He takes out
his bag of drugs. He grabs a handful of pills, and squeezes
them, breaking the plastic shells.

MAGGIE (CONT)
What are you doing?

STEVE
Just in case he wakes up. Give him
something to think about, apart
from us. Keep an eye on him.

Maggie picks up the rifle dropped by the hunter, and opens
the chamber. There is only one bullet. She cocks it, and
aims at the hunter's head.

MAGGIE
One bullet. That'll do. Go for it,
I'll keep him covered.

STEVE
Don't fucking miss if he moves.

Steve slowly approaches the hunter, who is still breathing.
Steve stands over him, carefully. He looks at him - still
unconscious. Steve reaches down.

The hunter moves, just a little bit. Steve pulls his hand
back, but Maggie nods reassuringly.

Steve reaches out again, carefully. Maggie aims the rifle,
as Steve drops all his drugs into the hunter's mouth. Steve
closes the mouth for him.

STEVE
There you go, my son. Sweet dreams.
86.

He pats him on the cheek.

MAGGIE
Take your time. No rush. It's not
as if the building's burning down
or anything.

STEVE
All right, keep your knickers on.
We've got nowhere to go anyway. I
saw Richard go down the path a
while back, we could see if he got
anywhere.

MAGGIE
Good idea. What about Jill?

When Steve replies, he speaks softly and kindly, the only
time he has done so up until now. He doesn't want to upset
her, but it has to be said.

STEVE
I don't think we're going to find
her, Maggie.

Maggie nods. They share a look - they both know Jill is
dead. Maggie goes over to Billy's body, and crouches down.
She touches his head, and whispers to him.

MAGGIE
Thanks for looking after us.

She kisses him gently on the cheek, and stands up.

On her way out, she spots the Polaroid photo Gareth took
when they first arrived. She puts it in her pocket, slinging
the rifle over her shoulder. They both leave.

Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Steve and Maggie take down the hunter and try to escape the burning lodge. They debate whether or not to kill the unconscious hunter before ultimately leaving him behind. They also come to terms with the loss of Jill and thank Billy for protecting them.

Strengths "The tension is palpable throughout the scene, especially as they debate whether or not to kill the hunter. The silent moment where Maggie says goodbye to Billy is a powerful moment. "

Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a little on-the-nose, especially when Steve and Maggie are discussing whether or not to kill the hunter."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The action is clearly described and easy to follow. However, there are a few areas that could use improvement.

First, the dialogue between Steve and Maggie could be more natural and realistic. Their conversations feel a bit stilted and forced at times, particularly when they discuss whether or not to kill the hunter. Adding some nuance and complexity to their conversation would make their characters feel more genuine and relatable.

Second, the scene could benefit from more sensory details. As it is written, the reader gets a clear picture of what is happening, but doesn't get a strong sense of what it feels, smells, and sounds like. Adding in some sensory details would make the scene more immersive and vivid.

Finally, the scene could be shortened and made more efficient. Some of the action and dialogue feels repetitive or unnecessary. Shortening the scene and cutting out some of the extraneous details would make it more impactful and engaging.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is intense and action-packed, but there are a few ways it could be improved:

1. Add more description: While the action is clear, there is little description of the surroundings or characters' emotions. Adding sensory details, such as the sounds of debris falling or the smell of smoke, could help immerse the audience in the scene. Additionally, showing Steve and Maggie's fear and desperation through their physical movements and facial expressions could add depth to their characters.

2. Minimize unnecessary dialogue: Some lines, such as "Keep your knickers on" and "We've got nowhere to go anyway," feel out of place given the severity of the situation. Trimming unnecessary lines can help the dialogue feel more natural and impactful.

3. Create more tension: While the scene is already tense, adding an element of unpredictability could keep the audience on the edge of their seats. For example, if the hunter wakes up mid-scene, this could add a new layer of danger and force the characters to adapt on the fly.

4. Show rather than tell: When Steve tells Maggie about Richard and Jill, he's essentially just recounting information the audience already knows. Instead, showing the characters searching for Richard or mourning Jill's loss could add more emotional weight to the scene. Additionally, while the idea of putting drugs in the hunter's mouth is interesting, it would be more impactful to see this happen rather than just hear about it after the fact.

Scene 33 - The Chase

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

EXT. LODGE CLEARING - NIGHT

Maggie and Steve walk outside. Steve lights a spliff.

MAGGIE
Another spliff?

STEVE
Yeah. So what?

MAGGIE
Junkie.

STEVE
We're all junkies, mate. We just
use different drugs.

MAGGIE
Fuck it. Give me a drag.
87.

Steve is surprised. He offers it to Maggie.

There is the sound of a shotgun being cocked.

Maggie and Steve stop where they are.

In the middle of the clearing are five other soldiers turned
hunters from the underground prison. The gunman (Hunter 1)
holds a pump-action shotgun.

Another (Hunter 2) carries a large machete, and has a nasty-
looking bull terrier on a leash. Hunter 2 has the spurs on
his boots, next to the military insignia.

The other hunters have various weapons. They are all dressed
in the same filthy, khaki military gear as the original
hunter. They look feral.

Hunter 1 starts to lift up his shotgun. Without hesitation,
Maggie aims, squints, and squeezes the trigger. CRACK! She
gets him right in the forehead, dropping him.

Hunter 2 freezes, then starts to reach for the dropped gun.
Maggie re-cocks the rifle, shouting a warning.

MAGGIE
NO! Don't you fucking MOVE!

Hunter 2 stays where he is, one hand raised. He obviously
doesn't understand her words, but her tone of voice is very
clear. He signals the other three hunters to stay put.

The wind whistles around them. Smoke and flames pour from
the upstairs window. The dog barks furiously. Steve is still
holding the spliff out to Maggie, stunned.

The first faint traces of dawn are starting to appear. The
sky has lightened ever so slightly.

The hunters look at Maggie and Steve. Maggie and Steve look
back at them. Steve whispers out the corner of his mouth.

STEVE
You haven't got any bullets left.

Maggie whispers back, out the corner of her mouth.

MAGGIE
I know. But they don't know that.

STEVE
So what do we do?

MAGGIE
Fucked if I know.
88.

Hunter 2 is straining to keep the dog in check. He asks them
something in Serbian, with no subtitles. Maggie just glares
at him. He says it again, louder.

MAGGIE
Yeah, fuck you too.

Maggie and Steve slowly circle around the hunter, on their
way to the path. Hunter 2 doesn't move, but is suspicious -
he knows something is up.

Hunter 2 mutters to the other hunters. They have a fast,
quiet conversation, never taking their eyes off Maggie.

Hunter 2 looks down at the dog. Maggie and Steve are almost
at the path. Hunter 2 thinks. Decides to risk it. He lets go
of the leash, and the dog bolts for Maggie and Steve.

Maggie dumps the rifle. She and Steve run into the forest,
as fast as they can. Hunter 2 grabs the shotgun, and makes
quick, military hand signals to the other hunters.

One hunter runs to the left, one to the right, one stays
with Hunter 2, and they all disappear into the forest.

INT. LODGE MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

The lodge is burning down quite quickly. The original hunter
with the hat suddenly wakes up, coughing up Steve's pills.
He rubs his eyes, feeling woozy.

He stands up, and looks around. His face stays blank.
Silently, he walks out the front door.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Maggie and Steve run hard, hearing the shouts of the hunters
behind them.

STEVE
Which way, which way?

MAGGIE
Follow the path.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

The hunters chase them, Hunter 2 at the front.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT/DAWN

Maggie and Steve run through the woods, following the path.
The sky is lighter now, like twilight.
89.

The dog comes barrelling out from the trees, and leaps for
Steve's throat. Steve screams and falls, sending the dog
flying.

The dog gets up, trying to bite Steve and Maggie, jumping at
them, barking furiously, saliva dripping from its mouth.

It runs at Maggie, catching her on the leg, drawing blood.
Steve breaks off a tree branch and throws it at the dog.

The dog turns, and runs straight for Steve. It leaps. Steve
tries ducking, but the dog sinks its teeth into his arm.
Steve howls in pain.

The dog isn't letting go. It shakes Steve's arm, soaking the
sleeve with blood. Steve screams.

Maggie comes over and tries kicking the dog, but it won't
budge. Steve can't shake it off - the dog just gets its
teeth further into the flesh.

MAGGIE
Try choking it.

STEVE
It'll chew my fucking arm off!

MAGGIE
Stand still for a second.

Maggie gets behind the dog, and grabs its front legs, one in
each hand. Steve looks at her, puzzled.

STEVE
What are you d-

Maggie quickly pulls both legs out and up. There is a loud,
sharp crunch. Steve is horrified.

STEVE (CONT)
OHHHHHH! Fucking hell!

The dog goes limp, and slides off Steve's arm, landing in a
crumpled heap.

STEVE (CONT)
Where'd you learn that?

MAGGIE
My dad.

STEVE
More of a cat-person, is he?
90.

EXT. FORT CLEARING - DAWN

Maggie and Steve run past the paintball fort, Steve holding
his injured arm.

Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Maggie and Steve are chased by hunters through the burning lodge and into the woods, where they fight off one of the hunter's dogs. They eventually make it to a fort clearing.

Strengths "The scene is filled with action and intensity, with the stakes and danger constantly increasing. Maggie and Steve's resourcefulness and quick thinking make them compelling characters to root for. The survival theme is well-executed and adds to the tension of the scene."

Weaknesses "The dialogue is minimal and could have been more impactful. The Serbian dialogue is not subtitled, which may make it difficult for some viewers to understand the situation fully."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The action is clear and easy to follow, and the dialogue is natural. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

First, the scene could benefit from more specific character descriptions. When the hunters are introduced, their physical appearance is described, but we don't learn anything about their personalities or motivations. This makes it difficult for the audience to understand the conflict beyond the immediate danger.

Additionally, the dialogue could be more nuanced. Maggie and Steve's conversation about drugs feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose. It might be more effective to reveal their attitudes toward drugs through their actions and choices throughout the scene.

Finally, the scene could use more sensory details. While the action is well-described, there is little information about the setting beyond the basics. Including more sensory details could create a richer, more immersive experience for the audience.

Overall, this is a solid scene with strong potential. With some small adjustments, it could be even more effective in engaging the audience.

Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give a stronger reason for why Maggie and Steve are taking drugs. This will make their conversation about the spliff more interesting and provide a deeper insight into their characters.

2. Develop the character of the hunters more before the confrontation. Show them searching for Maggie and Steve. This will make their sudden appearance more surprising and increase the tension.

3. Create a language barrier between Maggie and the hunters, which would make the scene more realistic and tense. Include subtitles or have the hunters speak in their native language to heighten the tension.

4. Add more description of the forest surroundings so that the reader can visualize the chase more easily.

5. Show the damage inflicted by the dog's bite on Steve's arm more clearly. This will make the impact of Maggie's method of neutralizing the dog more powerful.

6. Have Maggie and Steve discuss a possible escape plan more in-depth. This will add to the tension of the scene and make the characters' actions more believable.

Scene 34 - Standoff at the Lodge

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 7

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - DAWN

Steve and Maggie burst into the clearing, and are startled
to see Richard standing there. He nods at them, listlessly.

RICHARD
Oh. Hi.

MAGGIE
What are you doing here?

STEVE
There's a gang of fucking pikeys
coming, we've got to go quick.

RICHARD
Yes, well, I'd like to, but I'm
afraid I can't.

STEVE
Why not?

RICHARD
Because I'm standing on a landmine.

They see a metallic green object under his foot. It has the
Palisade logo on it.

STEVE
Well - get off it, then.

RICHARD
This is a C.R.M. Model 114 anti-
personnel mine. You step on, it's
armed. You step off, it explodes,
you die.

MAGGIE
Are you sure?

RICHARD
Very sure. We sell them.

They look at him, realising that he's a dead man.

MAGGIE
Can't we switch it off, or put a
rock on it or something?

RICHARD
It's booby trapped, impossible to
neutralise.
(MORE)
91.

RICHARD (cont'd)
And it has a massive explosive
charge. These things never maim.
They just kill. It's one of our
biggest sellers.

STEVE
Fuck.

RICHARD
Yeah. Another one of life's almost-
amusing little ironies, eh?

There is an awkward silence.

RICHARD (CONT)
You'd better get going.

MAGGIE
We can't just-

RICHARD
I'm dead either way. Just - just
tell Sara and the kids that I
helped, in the end.

MAGGIE
I will.

They share a look. Richard nods, then notices Steve's
mangled arm. He looks at Steve.

STEVE
If you see a crazy bloke with a
shotgun, tell him his dog's dead.

Richard gives Steve his metal spike, nodding. Steve slaps
him on the arm, awkwardly.

RICHARD
I’ll break it to him gently. Go on,
get moving.

Steve and Maggie hesitate, so Richard starts shouting.

RICHARD (CONT)
Hey! I'm over here! Come and get
me, you fucking mutants!

Steve and Maggie back out of the clearing, and run off. It
is now early morning.

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Hunter 2 runs quickly through the woods, listening to
Richard's shouts. He is wary, but never slows down.
92.

EXT. FANCY LODGE CLEARING - DAY

Maggie and Steve come into a clearing, where there is a
lodge almost identical to the one they escaped from, but a
modern, clean, and fancy version with twee additions.

Outside the lodge is a sign that reads "Palisade Conference
Centre". Maggie and Steve look at each other.

INT. FANCY LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Maggie and Steve burst in the front door. Inside they see an
incredibly luxurious, modern living room, with a roaring log
fire, buffet table, and television.

Standing by the fire is George, from the opening sequence -
which clearly hasn't happened yet. Near him, giggling and
drinking champagne, are Nadia and Olga.

George is drunk, but pleased to see the new arrivals.

GEORGE
Maggie! Steve! Where the hell have
you guys been? Have a drink! Oh,
and you've got to try the jacuzzi
upstairs, it's amazing, trust me.

Maggie pulls a tattered map out of her pocket, and looks at
it. Slowly, she turns it ninety degrees to one side.

MAGGIE
You've been here the whole time?

GEORGE
Of course! Where were you?

George only now notices the state Steve and Maggie are in.
Something starts getting through to his drunken brain.

NADIA
You are Steve? We are from escort
agency! We make birthday party!

STEVE
No, no, I-

OLGA
It's okay, you paid for two days,
we still make party time now!

MAGGIE
You hired floozies for your
birthday?
93.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - DAY

Hunter 2 appears, with his machete and shotgun, accompanied
by another hunter. Richard is still standing there. Hunter 2
looks all around the clearing, suspiciously.

RICHARD
You took your time.

Hunter 2 approaches, carefully. He knows something is not
right, but can't figure it out.

Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Maggie and Steve escape the lodge and make it to a forest clearing where they meet Richard. Richard is standing on a landmine and cannot move. Meanwhile, Hunter 2 is on their trail and will stop at nothing to catch them.

Strengths "Tense and suspenseful, with high stakes and a strong sense of danger."

Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger and more impactful."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with strong dialogue and descriptive language. The tension is consistently high throughout, captured mainly through the interaction between the characters. The reader can easily follow what is happening on screen, and the switch to a new location and characters is handled smoothly.

However, there are a few areas for improvement. The dialogue, especially in the beginning, is a bit too on-the-nose, with the characters basically just stating their thoughts and feelings. It could benefit from more subtext and nuance. Additionally, the pacing could be tightened a bit, especially towards the end. The final exchange between Richard and Hunter 2 is intriguing, but feels a bit abrupt and unresolved. A few more beats or details could help to better establish the stakes and build towards a satisfying conclusion.

Suggestions There are a few suggestions that could improve this scene:

1. Add more tension: The situation of Richard standing on a landmine is already tense, but it could be heightened more. Perhaps have Hunter 2 and the other hunter getting closer to the clearing, creating a time crunch for Steve and Maggie to figure out how to get Richard off the landmine.

2. Develop the characters: While the characters have distinct personalities, they could benefit from more development. Why are they in this situation? What motivates them? Adding more background information and motivation to the characters would make the scene more engaging.

3. Clarify the stakes: While it's clear that Richard is in mortal danger, the scene could benefit from solidifying what's at stake for the other characters. Are they risking their own lives to save Richard, or is their concern just for his safety?

4. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the lines of dialogue feel unnatural and out of place, such as Olga's sudden introduction of the escort agency. More attention could be given to honing the dialogue so it sounds conversational and believable.

5. Visual elements: Adding more visual elements to the scene could make it more memorable. For example, incorporating a shot of the metallic green object, or the fear on Richard's face as he realizes he's trapped. Making the scene more visually engaging could make it stickier in the audience's mind.

Scene 35 - Escape from the Lodge

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

INT. FANCY LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Steve is embarrassed and flustered.

STEVE
We haven't got time for this! The
fucking chavs are coming!

MAGGIE
Is there any way out of here?

GEORGE
Yeah, about a hundred yards down
the path, there's a lake with some
boats.

MAGGIE
That'll do. Leave all your shit
behind, let's get moving.

GEORGE
Wait, what's going on? Where are
the others?

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - DAY

Hunter 2 stares at Richard, trying to figure out what is
going on. The other hunter mutters.

RICHARD
Do you speak English?

Hunter 2 looks blank.

RICHARD (CONT)
Hello? Do you even speak your own
language?

Hunter 2 doesn't answer. Richard sighs.

RICHARD (CONT)
Just can't get the staff these
days.
94.

Richard steps off the landmine.

INT. FANCY LODGE MAIN ROOM - DAY

George is being drunkenly stubborn.

GEORGE
This is ridiculous. I'm not going
anywhere until you tell me what
really happened. Where is Richard?

Maggie and Steve left the front door open when they came in.
Behind them, outside in the background, a huge explosion
erupts from the forest, jolting everyone.

Maggie looks down at her shoes, then back up at George.

MAGGIE
Now? He's dead. As are the others.
They're all dead. There is a pack
of psychotic war criminals fucked
up on electro-shock treatment and
medication right behind us, and
very soon they will come through
that door, rip off our heads, and
shit down our necks. So if you have
any more questions, maybe they can
wait until we have GOT THE FUCK OUT
OF HERE! NOW MOVE YOUR FAT FUCKING
ASS OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF!

There is total and utter silence. George has never, ever
been spoken to like that in his life. He is terrified. Even
Nadia and Olga are scared.

Steve stares at Maggie like she's the coolest thing on the
face of the earth, and right now, she really is. George is
totally cowed by the outburst, and gives in completely.

GEORGE
Okay.

EXT. FANCY LODGE CLEARING - DAY

Maggie, Steve, George, Nadia and Olga come out of the front
door. Ahead of them, two more hunters appear out of the
woods. For a second, nobody moves.

The hunters have machetes. Their khaki military gear is
covered in blood. They start running towards the gang.

George screams a high pitched scream, and runs away, the
rest of the gang following. The hunters give chase.
95.

EXT. FOREST PATH - DAY

George, Nadia, Olga, Maggie and Steve run full tilt along
the path. The path forks, and George, Nadia and Olga run
down the left fork. Maggie checks her map quickly.

MAGGIE
No, right! Go right!

George, Nadia and Olga disappear down the path, too
terrified to listen or care - they just want to get away.
Behind Maggie and Steve, there are running footsteps.

STEVE
They're coming, they're coming!

MAGGIE
Fuck it.

She leads Steve off down the right path.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The same shot as the opening sequence. We hear the sound of
someone running, really fast, getting closer and closer.

George, Nadia and Olga burst out of the trees, running as
fast as they can. We hear the hunters chasing them.

EXT. TANGLED FOREST - DAY

Steve and Maggie run through a particularly dense patch of
forest. Steve gets out first, and keeps running. Behind him,
Maggie runs after him.

We stay with Maggie, as everything jerks and spins upside
down. She has been caught in another razor wire trap, which
digs into her ankle. She swings around, the wire creaking.

All of her change and personal belongings fall out of her
pockets.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Steve keeps running, then realises he is alone. He stops.

STEVE
Fuck. Maggie?

He dithers. He hears a beeping noise. Slowly, he takes his
phone out of his pocket. It has one bar of a signal.
Excitedly, he starts pressing buttons, walking off.
96.

The signal vanishes. Steve swears, and walks back to where
he was. He keeps moving, but narrows it down to about one
square foot where he can get reception. He speeddials.

On his phone screen, we see "Calling: Maggie".

Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Maggie and Steve lead a group of survivors out of a burning lodge, but are hunted by deranged hunters. They split up and face their own obstacles, with Maggie getting caught in a trap and Steve losing cell reception.

Strengths "The scene maintains its intense pace from beginning to end. The dialogue and actions of the characters propel the story forward and showcase their personalities. The survival theme is well executed, and the scene highlights the physical and emotional cost of survival."

Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue and actions feel contrived, and the motivations of the hunters is not fully explained. The scene also lacks significant character development."

Critique There are several issues with this scene that could be improved. First, the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, particularly in the beginning when Steve uses a vulgar expletive for no apparent reason. The dialogue also lacks depth and complexity, with characters stating their emotions and intentions too explicitly instead of showing them through their actions.

Another issue is the lack of clear motivations for the characters. While it's clear they are running away from danger, it's not entirely clear what their plan is or why they are making certain decisions. Maggie's outburst towards George seems out of character and extreme, without sufficient explanation for why she is so angry.

Additionally, the action sequences are described in a confusing and unclear manner, making it difficult for the reader to visualize what is happening. The sudden introduction of the hunters with machetes also feels abrupt and out of place, without proper buildup or explanation.

Overall, this scene would benefit from more nuanced and realistic dialogue, clearer character motivations, and clearer, more descriptive action scenes.

Suggestions The scene could benefit from some more clarity in terms of who the characters are and their motivations. Here are some suggestions:

- Consider giving the hunters more backstory and a clearer goal. Right now, they feel like generic villains who are chasing the protagonists just because they can. Adding some context to their actions could make them more compelling and justify their pursuit.
- Develop Maggie's character more. She seems to be the one in charge, but we don't know why or how she got put in that position. Giving her a clear goal and a backstory could make her outburst more impactful and give the audience a stronger reason to root for her.
- Show, don't tell. The line "There is total and utter silence" is unnecessary, as you could convey that through body language and silence. Consider cutting down on exposition and allowing the scene to speak for itself.
- Make sure the action is clear and easy to follow. When the group splits up and runs in different directions, it may be confusing for the audience to keep track of who is where. Consider adding some visual cues or landmarks to help orient the viewers.

Scene 36 - Escape and Rescue

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. TANGLED FOREST - DAY

Maggie dangles from her wire. On the ground, about two feet
away, her mobile phone starts ringing. She sighs.

From her left, she hears George pleading for his life, and
then screaming a horrible, ragged scream as something
terrible happens to him. Maggie looks scared.

She starts swinging herself, to try and get closer to the
phone. She swings back and forth, fingertips brushing
against the ground.

George stops screaming. Whoever did it starts making their
way towards Maggie. Maggie swings harder, if only to stop
the phone giving away her position.

She swings past, misses, and catches the phone on the next
swing. We intercut between her and Steve as necessary.

MAGGIE
Hello?

STEVE
Maggie! Where are you?

MAGGIE
I'm on the fucking train. I'm
hanging from a tree.

STEVE
Where?

MAGGIE
In the forest somewhere, I don't
know. Wait, remember those prickly
bushes we went through?

STEVE
Yeah?

MAGGIE
I'm just past those.

STEVE
Right, I'm coming.

MAGGIE
No! Look Steve, the guy's nearly
here. I don't want him to get you
too.
97.

STEVE
But you-

MAGGIE
We need one of us to survive, to
tell people what happened. Then
they can fucking burn the whole
forest down.

STEVE
I can't just leave you.

MAGGIE
Yes, you can. No sense us both
getting killed. Just go.

One of the hunters walks towards Maggie, carefully. He grabs
her mobile phone.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

STEVE
But I l-

He is stopped by a crunch sound coming from the phone
earpiece - Maggie's phone is cut off. Steve looks at the
"Call Terminated" message, sadly.

He walks away, heartbroken.

EXT. FOREST TREESTUMP - DAY

Steve walks into the area where Jill was captured. Her body
is still tied down over the treestump. She is dead, but was
clearly tortured for a very, very long time.

She has been partially burned. Her face is set in an
agonised scream. Steve stares at her.

He looks ahead - he can see the lake with the boats about
twenty yards away. He looks back to where Maggie yelled
from.

EXT. TANGLED FOREST - DAY

Maggie still hangs from the wire. The hunter approaches her,
grinning. Maggie makes a face at him. The hunter starts
undoing his belt buckle. Maggie's eyes flash.

MAGGIE
Go for it, big boy, I'll rip your
dick off.

The hunter doesn't know what she's saying. He takes his
trousers down, drops his machete, and laughs.
98.

STEVE (OFF)
Oi, fuckface.

The hunter turns around to see Steve standing there, holding
a huge tree branch.

STEVE
She said she’s not interested.

Steve pulls back, swings the branch, and whacks the hunter
round the head with it. The hunter goes down like a bag of
shite. Steve pounds his head into a pulp with the branch.

STEVE
You - dirty - fuckin' - bastard!

MAGGIE
I think he's dead.

Steve drops the branch on to the hunter, picks up the
machete, and cuts the wire around Maggie's ankle. Maggie
tumbles to the ground.

STEVE
Shit, sorry.

MAGGIE
It's okay. Thanks, Steve.

She gives Steve a huge kiss on the forehead, then one on
each cheek, and a quick one on the lips. Steve is delighted.
Maggie turns away for a moment.

Maggie has kept a brave face, but we can see now that she
was absolutely terrified. She shakes slightly at the thought
of what might have been.

Before they go, Maggie kicks the dead hunter in the balls.

Genres: ["Horror","Action"]

Summary Maggie hangs from a wire and speaks to Steve on the phone while trying to avoid the hunters, who kill George. Steve wants to come and get her, but Maggie tells him to leave for his own safety. The hunter approaches Maggie but is stopped by Steve, who kills him with a branch. Maggie is saved, and they share a moment before leaving.

Strengths "Intense action-filled scene, strong character development and dialogue"

Weaknesses "Some dialogue could have been trimmed down to maintain pacing"

Critique The scene has some good tension and action, but there are some issues with credibility and character development.

Firstly, Maggie's response to Steve's question about her location is too brief and vague. It's unlikely that someone being chased by killers would be so casual and unhelpful in giving directions.

Secondly, the dialogue exchange between Maggie and Steve feels a bit unnatural and forced. The lines about burning the forest down and "Go for it, big boy" seem out of place and don't add much to the scene.

Lastly, Maggie's sudden change in demeanor towards Steve after they escape feels unearned and rushed. There isn't enough setup for their romantic connection, and the sudden kiss feels like a contrived way to wrap up the scene.

Overall, the scene could benefit from tighter, more realistic dialogue and a more gradual and believable development of the characters' relationship.

Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more tension and suspense leading up to the rescue. Here are some specific suggestions:

-Add more sound effects to heighten the tension of the scene. For example, the sound of the hunter's footsteps approaching Maggie could enhance the fear of being caught.

-Include more physical action. For example, when Maggie swings back and forth on the wire, there could be a moment where she almost reaches the phone but misses, raising the stakes for the audience.

-Add dialogue that emphasizes the danger of the situation. This could include Maggie's thoughts as she swings on the wire, or Steve's urgency to find her before it's too late.

-Transition more smoothly between the different locations. Instead of abruptly cutting to Steve discovering Jill's body, there could be a shot of him walking through the forest, trying to find Maggie. This would add more continuity to the scene.

Overall, adding more tension and suspense to the scene would make it more engaging and emotionally impactful for the audience.

Scene 37 - The Final Battle

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 10
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 5

EXT. LAKE - DAY

Maggie and Steve burst out of the trees, and see the lake.
It is quite large, and so is the river that leads off from
it, on the far side.

Tied to a jetty are several motor boats. Maggie looks at
them in triumph, and high-fives Steve.

STEVE
What about the others?

MAGGIE
I'm not waiting. They can take one
of the other boats.

Maggie unties the rope from one of the boats. Steve sighs.
99.

STEVE
I don't need this. It's my fucking
birthday, for fuck's sake. I should
be in a pub getting drunk with my
mates. This is the worst birthday
ever.

Steve sighs, looking tired. Maggie smiles at him.

MAGGIE
Happy birthday.

STEVE
Thanks.

Steve manages a half smile. Maggie just stares at him.
Behind Steve, the original hunter from the lodge has come
out of the trees. He raises a knife up to throw it.

MAGGIE
Steve! DUCK!

STEVE
Where?

There's no time to explain - Maggie kicks Steve in the
balls, bending him over double. She ducks at the same time.

The knife flies over them and splashes in the water. The
hunter approaches, grinning. Maggie and Steve are helpless.

Steve lies on the ground, groaning, not even aware that the
hunter is coming. Maggie backs away, trying to think. She
looks around desperately for a weapon. There is nothing.

The hunter walks towards her, kicking Steve in the face,
hard. Steve is sent flying off the jetty into one of the
boats, and is knocked unconscious.

The hunter takes out a curved knife, and wipes it on his
sleeve. Maggie and the hunter face each other. There is a
terrible silence.

Maggie has no weapons. She knows she's dead. But she's not
going down without one hell of a fight. She straightens up,
gets in a fighting stance, and spits.

MAGGIE
Okay, motherfucker. You want me?
Come and get me.

The hunter approaches with his knife. He and Maggie circle
each other like caged tigers. The hunter swipes at Maggie's
stomach, but she jumps back, dodging it.

As the hunter is on his down-swing, Maggie darts around and
kicks him in the knee. The hunter staggers, grunting in
pain. He slashes at her arms, cutting her lightly.
100.

Maggie quickly punches him in the jaw, gasping at the pain
from the cuts. She kicks his knife hand, and the knife flies
away, landing right on the very edge of the jetty.

Maggie is high on adrenaline. The hunter is no longer
amused. He walks towards her, and punches her right in the
face, twice, quickly. Maggie staggers back.

The hunter moves in and punches her in the stomach, hard.
Maggie doubles over, gasping for breath.

The hunter kicks her in the side. He looks at her,
satisfied. He's weakened her, now he can take his time. He
licks the blood off his hand, smiling.

Maggie starts crawling towards the jetty - and the knife -
while the hunter watches, amused. Maggie doesn't take her
eyes off the knife, which is about ten feet away.

The hunter climbs on top of Maggie. She tries to shake him
off, but he's too heavy. He grabs her hair and whacks her
head into the ground. And again. And again. And again.

He gets his arm round her neck to choke her. Maggie sinks
her teeth into his arm, viciously, and the hunter screams
and lets go.

Maggie throws her head back into his nose, which breaks with
a loud crunch. The hunter howls in pain.

Maggie manages to get her keys out of her pocket. She flails
out with a key, and scrapes the jagged side down the
hunter's face, the metal squeaking against his cheekbone.

The hunter yells, and slams her head into the ground again.
Maggie bunches up the keys and sticks them right into the
hunter's eye, leaving them in there.

The hunter screams, and falls over, clutching his ruined
face. The bunch of keys hangs from his eye, jangling. Maggie
crawls towards the knife, slowly but steadily.

Behind her, the hunter gets up, and staggers after her. The
keys fall out of his eye. Bloody jelly drips down his face.
He pulls another, smaller knife out of his boot.

Maggie gets closer to the knife, determined to make it. The
jetty wobbles, making the knife bounce. Maggie gets closer.

Just as the hunter reaches her, she gets within grabbing
distance of the knife. She reaches out for it--

--but it drops off the edge, into the water.

MAGGIE
No!
101.

The hunter kicks her, sending her flying into the boat.
Maggie lands on her back, cracking her head on the side of
the boat, all the fight taken out of her.

In the other boat, Steve comes around. He sees a wooden oar
next to him.

The hunter steps into Maggie's boat. He raises his knife up
in the air, ready to stab. Steve whacks him over the head
with the oar. The hunter turns to face him.

STEVE
Maggie, get the boat started! I'll
keep him busy!

Steve swipes at the hunter, while Maggie grabs the starter
cord of the motor. She yanks it, hard. Nothing happens. The
hunter punches Steve, and knocks the oar into the water.

Maggie tries the motor again, harder. Still nothing happens.
The hunter kicks and punches Steve repeatedly, until Steve
collapses on the jetty.

The hunter turns around. Maggie still can't get the motor
started. She yanks and yanks, as the hunter approaches.

Suddenly the motor starts, but the entire assembly rips out
of the cheap boat wood. Maggie is now holding the chugging
motor in her hands. The boat isn't going anywhere.

On the jetty, Steve sees the hunter lunging towards Maggie,
and hears a horrible gurgling sound. The hunter's back
shakes, as he crouches over Maggie.

STEVE
No! You bastard, leave her alone!

Steve staggers towards the hunter to save Maggie, but
doesn't need to. The spinning propellor of the motor comes
out through the hunter's back, impaling him.

Maggie stands up, holding the motor, and lets out an unholy
warrior screech.

Still screeching, she wiggles the motor around, then brings
it up through the hunter's stomach and chest, as the hunter
screams in agony.

Maggie pulls the motor out, then jams the spinning propellor
into the hunter's face, sending fragments of face, flesh and
bone spinning everywhere.

She keeps it there, holding the hunter up, screaming as the
metal tears through his head, then pulls it away.

The hunter falls to the ground, dead. Maggie throws her head
back, holding the motor aloft, still screeching, like Bruce
Lee administering the fatal blow to the bad guy.
102.

Birds erupt from the treetops, squawking, flocking away,
spooked by the unnatural sound.

Gradually, her screech dies away. Panting, she tosses the
motor away. Steve is now covered in the hunter's blood. He
looks at himself, and at the hunter's remains.

STEVE
Fucking hell...

Steve takes a step, groans in pain, and clutches his groin.

STEVE (CONT)
Could have just said 'get down'.

MAGGIE
No time. More fun.

She half smiles, uncertainly, then just collapses.

Genres: ["Action","Horror"]

Summary Maggie and Steve face off against the hunter, with Maggie ultimately defeating him by impaling him with a motor. Steve is injured but they are both victorious.

Strengths

Intense and action-packed fight scene
Satisfying defeat of the villain
Strong character actions and reactions

Weaknesses

Lack of significant dialogue
Cliches in the fight choreography

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of action and dialogue. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The dialogue could use more variation. For example, Maggie and Steve both say "thanks" and "no" in response to questions, which feels repetitive. Injecting more personality or unique phrases into their lines would make the conversation more interesting to read.
- There are several instances where the writing becomes too descriptive or explanatory. For instance, "Maggie looks at them in triumph, and high-fives Steve" is a sentence that could be shortened, since the actions it describes are clear from the context. Similarly, "The hunter raises a knife up to throw it" could simply be "The hunter throws a knife." Streamlining the writing in this way would make the scene feel more immediate and fast-paced.
- The fight scene could benefit from clearer choreography. While the back-and-forth between Maggie and the hunter is exciting, it's sometimes hard to picture exactly what's happening. For example, when Maggie "darts around and kicks him in the knee," it's unclear whether she's coming from the front or the back. Adding more description of the characters' movements would help the reader visualize the action more clearly.

Overall, this is a strong scene with plenty of tension and excitement. With some small adjustments to the dialogue and action, it could be even more gripping.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is action-packed and intense, but there are a few suggestions to improve it:

- Clarify the stakes: Make it clear earlier on in the scene what Maggie and Steve are fighting for. Why is it so important for them to escape and get to the boats? Who are they running from? This will make the fight feel more urgent and suspenseful.

- Develop the fight choreography: While there are some great moments of action and tension, the fight scene could be enhanced by adding more variety to the moves and making them more specific to the characters' strengths and weaknesses.

- Add character development: While the scene is focused on the fight, it could benefit from some moments of character development to make the audience more invested in Maggie and Steve and their struggle. This could be achieved through small gestures of support or vulnerability between them, or by showing how the fight is impacting them emotionally.

- Tighten pacing and description: Some of the action could be tightened up to make it more concise, while also providing more descriptive detail to create a clearer image in the audience's mind. Avoid excessive dialogue that slows down the scene, and instead focus on the physical action and its impact on the characters.

Implementing these suggestions could elevate the scene to make it even more thrilling and impactful for the audience.

Scene 38 - Aftermath

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

EXT. LAKE - DAY

Steve and Maggie pilot one of the boats away from the jetty.
Behind them, about twenty more hunters come out of the
woods. They just stare at them, watching them go.

Maggie and Steve keep an eye on them, and increase their
speed. They look at each other.

EXT. BOAT/RIVER - DAY

Later. Steve and Maggie lie in the boat, utterly trashed,
filthy, covered in blood, battered to hell and back.

Maggie is a wreck. She looks like a berserker from
Braveheart after one of the battles. Blood-soaked bits of
shirt are wrapped around her many, many wounds.

Painfully, she pulls out her battered cigarette packet. She
takes out the last cigarette, but it's completely broken and
blood soaked. Shrugging, she lights it anyway.

She stares at her Polaroid photo of the gang in happier
times. They're all making silly faces, except for Steve's V-
sign, Jill's smile and Richard's "I'm important" pose.

Steve steers the boat; his other arm is bandaged. He sees
that Maggie is sad, and tries to take her mind off things.

STEVE
So how much are we going to sue the
company for?

MAGGIE
I hadn't really thought about it.
How much do you think?
103.

STEVE
Oh, shitloads. Emotional damage,
loss of earnings, blah blah blah.
Couple of mill, I reckon.

MAGGIE
Really?

STEVE
When they see me limping through
the door, they might as well write
me a cheque there and then. Limps
are a fucking gold mine in court.

MAGGIE
You should cry, as well. Get out a
big tissue, then drop it.

STEVE
Fuck off, I've got *some* dignity.

Steve gets out his bag of drugs. Passing them, going the
other way, are Nadia and Olga in a boat, half naked. Steve
sighs, shakes his head, and puts his drugs away.

There is a pause. Steve whistles.

STEVE (CONT)
So, anyway... you fancy one?

MAGGIE
One what?

STEVE
You know.

He waggles his eyebrows, nods his head, and makes general
silly faces implying that they should have sex.

MAGGIE
Jesus, Steve!

STEVE
What?

MAGGIE
I didn't think it was possible to
imagine anything worse than what
we've just been through - but hey,
apparently it is.

STEVE
Is that a no, then?

Maggie flicks him the V-sign, sighing.
104.

MAGGIE
At least now I know my life can't
possibly get any worse.

EXT. RIVER - DAY

As she talks, we are up in the air, high up, looking down on
a large stretch of the river.

As we see more of the river, we see that ahead of the boat,
around a bend, there is some white water, with vicious
looking rocks poking above the surface.

We pull out even further, revealing more of the river. After
the white water, the river ends in a huge, *huge*
waterfall...

FADE OUT.

Genres: ["Horror","Survival"]

Summary Maggie and Steve escape the hunters and joke about suing the company. They share a moment in the boat, covered in blood and battered. As they approach a waterfall, they both accept their fate.

Strengths "The scene effectively concludes the story and gives closure to the characters. The dialogue is well-written and serves to highlight character development. The tone is consistent with the emotional journey of the characters."

Weaknesses "The scene is relatively low on conflict and plot developments. The pacing of the scene is slow."

Critique Overall, the scene has strong dialogue and character development, but it lacks visual description and action. The first half sets up the tension well, but the second half drags and could benefit from more momentum towards the cliffhanger ending.

The lack of visual description makes it difficult to fully picture what is happening on-screen. For example, it's not clear how the characters are piloting the boat and what actions they are taking. Additionally, the transition from the first half to the second half is abrupt and could be improved with a smoother segue.

The dialogue, however, is well-written and entertaining. It provides insights into the characters and their dynamic, which will engage the audience. The tension between Steve and Maggie regarding their sexual tension, as well as their humorous discussion of suing the company, adds depth to their relationship.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more vivid visual descriptions and quicker pacing to build suspense and set up the cliffhanger ending.

Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to lack tension - considering it's the last scene of the movie, there's not enough buildup or excitement to keep the audience engaged. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Add some danger to the scene. Right now, the characters are just floating down the river - why not add a sense of urgency or peril? Perhaps they're being pursued by the hunters, or there's a storm brewing on the horizon.

2. Raise the stakes. The conversation between Steve and Maggie about suing the company is a bit dry - why not make it more personal? Have them discuss the emotional toll the experience has taken on them, or the loved ones they've lost along the way.

3. Develop the characters more. Despite the fact that they've just been through a harrowing experience, we don't really know much about Steve and Maggie's backstory or motivations. Take some time to delve into their personalities and histories, so that the audience cares more about their fates.

4. Consider changing the ending. The final shot of a waterfall is visually striking, but it doesn't really provide any closure or resolution to the characters' story. Perhaps there's a way to end the scene that ties up loose ends or leaves the audience with a sense of catharsis.