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Scene 1 -  Ray Kroc's Failed Pitch for His Mixing Machine
INT. ED’S DRIVE-IN - KITCHEN - DAY

The kitchen of a drive-in restaurant outside St. Louis. It’s
1954. Traveling salesman RAY KROC (52) stands before a sample
MIXING MACHINE, making his pitch to the OWNER.

RAY KROC
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
“What the heck do I need a five-
spindle for? I barely sell enough
shakes to justify my single
spindle.” Right? Wrong.
(BEAT)
Mr. Paulsen, are you familiar with
the notion of the chicken and the
egg? I mention it because I believe
it’s applicable here: Do you not
need a Multimixer because you’re
not selling enough milk shakes? Or
are you not selling enough milk
shakes because you don’t have a
Multimixer? I firmly believe it’s
the latter. You see, your
customers, they know that if they
order a shake from your
establishment, it’s going to be a
terrific wait. They’ve ordered one
before, and by golly they’re not
gonna make that mistake again. But
if you had, say, a Prince Castle-
brand five-spindle Multimixer with
patented direct-drive electric
motor, you could greatly increase
your ability to produce delicious,
frosty milk shakes fast. And before
long, mark my words, dollars to
donuts, you’d be selling more of
those suckers than you can shake a
stick at. Increase supply, demand
will follow. Chicken and the egg.
You follow my logic? Of course you
do. You’re a bright, forward-
thinking fella who knows a good
idea when he hears it.
(BEAT)
So whaddaya say?

ON THE OWNER-- pondering thoughtfully.

OWNER
Nah.
(BEAT)
Thanks anyway.
2.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ray Kroc, a 52-year-old traveling salesman, tries to sell a mixing machine to the owner of a drive-in restaurant outside St. Louis in 1954. Kroc uses a positive and enthusiastic tone to make his case, employing a chicken and egg analogy to illustrate the need for his Multimixer. The owner listens thoughtfully but ultimately declines Kroc's offer. The scene ends with Kroc's failed pitch, setting the stage for potential future encounters.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Compelling characters
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and well-written, with strong dialogue and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a salesman trying to convince a skeptical owner to invest in a new product is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the conflict between Ray Kroc's sales pitch and the owner's decision to decline, creating tension and interest.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a fresh approach to a sales pitch, with detailed product descriptions and a humorous tone. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ray Kroc is a charismatic and persuasive character, while the owner is portrayed as skeptical and unyielding, creating a dynamic interaction.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential development for both Ray Kroc and the owner.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to convince the owner to purchase the Multimixer machine. This reflects his desire for success, recognition, and validation of his ideas and salesmanship.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to make a successful sale and expand his business. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing the owner to invest in the Multimixer machine.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict between Ray Kroc's sales pitch and the owner's refusal, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the owner's refusal providing a significant obstacle for Ray Kroc to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as Ray Kroc's success as a salesman is on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between the characters and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the owner's decision until the very end, adding suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional business practices and innovative ideas. The owner represents the traditional mindset of sticking to what works, while Ray Kroc embodies the belief in progress and technological advancement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with a mix of disappointment and determination felt by the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the humor in the dialogue, and the tension of the sales pitch.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying conclusion with the owner's decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction between characters, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-driven sales pitch in a screenplay, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue is too long and exposition-heavy. It's difficult for the reader to follow and remember all of the information being presented.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There's no real sense of urgency or stakes involved in the salesman's pitch.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and underdeveloped. The salesman is a stereotypical salesman, and the owner is a stereotypical small business owner.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or introduce any new information. It's simply a sales pitch that doesn't go anywhere.
  • The scene is too short. It ends abruptly without any resolution or payoff.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • Add tension and conflict to the scene. Give the salesman a deadline or make the owner more resistant to the sales pitch.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them unique personalities and motivations.
  • Advance the plot or introduce new information. Have the salesman reveal a secret about the product or have the owner make a decision about the purchase.
  • Lengthen the scene and give it a more satisfying payoff. Have the salesman finally close the deal or have the owner reject the product and give a reason why.



Scene 2 -  The Frustrating Sales Call at Ed's Drive-In
EXT. ED’S DRIVE-IN - PARKING LOT - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc lugs the heavy Mulitmixer back to his car. He lifts it
into the trunk, wincing from his bad back.


INT. KROC’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc sits in his car checking his APPOINTMENT BOOK. His next
sales call: DEE DEE’S DRIVE-IN - 1 P.M.

He checks his watch. It’s 12:05. He turns on the car, pulls
into a customer spot in front of Ed’s Drive-In.

He looks at the MENU BOARD, taking in the vast, seemingly
random assortment of items: BBQ beef sandwiches, hot tamales,
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chili dogs, etc.


INT. KROC’S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc sits in his car, waiting for his food. He looks at his
watch. It’s 12:50. He lets out a heaving, exasperated sigh.

KROC’S POV, the view out his windshield: a rowdy TEEN-HANGOUT
SCENE. Rock-and-roll blasting from cars; female CARHOPS on
rollerskates dodging grabby male patrons; leather-jacketed,
cigarette-smoking hoodlums smacking each other around.

Kroc is the oldest customer by a mile--and seemingly the only
one with anywhere to be. He HONKS his horn, summoning his
CARHOP. She comes skating over holding a tray of Cokes.

RAY KROC
Miss, how much longer?

CARHOP GIRL
Should be any minute.

RAY KROC
You said that 20 minutes ago.

CARHOP GIRL
I’m sorry, we’re real--

She JUMPS-SQUEALS, startled. The tray of Cokes goes flying
into the car, SPILLING ALL OVER KROC’S LAP. Several glasses
and plates fall on the ground, SHATTERING.

Carhop Girl spins around, sees a GUY behind her cracking up.
He just pinched her butt.
3.


CARHOP
Dennis!
(re: Kroc, soaked)
Look what you made me do!

DENNIS
Sorry, gramps.

Dennis scampers off toward his pack of laughing friends. The
carhop goes chasing after him, mad but not actually mad.

ON KROC-- looking down at the pool of bubbly brown liquid in
his lap. He HONKS, leans out the window.

RAY KROC
Could I get some napkins?

No one hears him.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ray Kroc, a salesman, visits Dee Dee's Drive-In for a sales call and orders food, but faces slow service and a prank by a teenager named Dennis, resulting in Cokes being spilled into his lap. Despite honking for napkins, no one hears him. The scene showcases Kroc's frustration and impatience, while Dennis and his friends are carefree and playful. The scene ends with Kroc waiting for napkins, still sitting in the pool of Coke.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character interactions
  • Engaging setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, frustration, and character dynamics to create an engaging and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a salesman facing unexpected challenges while trying to make a sale is well-executed and provides insight into the character of Ray Kroc.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Kroc's wait at the drive-in, showcasing his impatience and the chaotic environment he finds himself in.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic drive-in setting, with unique character dynamics and a focus on the protagonist's internal struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and the carhop girl, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does provide insight into Ray Kroc's personality and his ability to handle unexpected challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Ray Kroc, is frustrated and impatient, reflecting his deeper desire for success and efficiency in his business dealings.

External Goal: 7

Ray's external goal is to get his food quickly and make it to his next sales call on time, reflecting the immediate challenge of balancing his personal and professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Kroc and the carhop girl, as well as the chaotic environment of the drive-in, creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by the carhop and the rowdy customers, adds conflict and obstacles for Ray to overcome, creating suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and humor than on high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Kroc's persistence and adaptability in the face of obstacles.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its interactions and outcomes, adding tension and surprise to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene highlights a clash between Ray's professionalism and the carefree attitude of the drive-in staff and customers, challenging his values of efficiency and respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from frustration to amusement, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the frustration and humor of the situation, as well as the generational clash between Kroc and the younger characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, conflict, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in Ray's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what Kroc wants to achieve by waiting for his food and then getting into an argument with the carhop.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and forced. The characters speak in a way that people don't typically talk in real life.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. It could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader hanging without any resolution or closure.
Suggestions
  • Give Kroc a clear goal or objective for waiting for his food and then getting into an argument with the carhop.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Add some elements that advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that provides some resolution or closure.



Scene 3 -  Ray Kroc's Tense Phone Call and Motivational Record
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

ANGLE ON the pants drying on the shower’s curtain rod.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
It’s going great.

CUT TO: the NEXT ROOM. Kroc sitting on the bed, on the phone.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Lot of good leads today. Real
strong leads.

Through the phone, a tiny passive-aggressive sigh.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
(prickly)
What?

ETHEL KROC (O.S.)
Nothing. That’s wonderful.

RAY KROC
There’s tremendous interest.

ETHEL KROC (O.S.)
I’m sure there is.

RAY KROC
You don’t believe me?

ETHEL KROC (O.S.)
Of course, Ray. Why wouldn’t I?
4.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc sits on the edge of the bed, roiling from the call. He
takes off his shirt, undressing for bed. His bare torso bears
numerous surgery scars: heart, gall bladder, etc.

He reaches over to the night stand, grabs a fifth of Canadian
Club. Unscrews the cap.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc, in pajamas, stands before a PORTABLE PHONOGRAPH. He
drops the needle on a record.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc lies in bed in the darkened room, eyes closed. A
soothing baritone fills the air--

RECORD (O.S.)
Nothing in the world can take the
place of persistence. Talent will
not; nothing is more common than
unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius
is almost a proverb.

ANGLE ON record sleeve next to the phonograph: “THE POWER OF
THE POSITIVE” BY DR. CLARENCE FLOYD NELSON

RECORD (CONT’D)
Education will not; the world is
full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone
are omnipotent.

QUICK CUTS to other snippets of the record:

RECORD (CONT’D)
So I grabbed that brush, and I
shined up those boots so bright,
Pastor Walker could see his
reflection in them!

Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
The lesson there being, it’s not
what you do but how you do it. Any
job worth doing is worth doing
well.
5.


Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
As I like to say, it’s not the size
of the dog in the fight, it’s the
size of the fight in the dog.

Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
Misfortune is just a stepping stone
to fortune.

Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
And I said to myself, “Clarence,
you’ve got to muddle through this!”

Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
How a man handles adversity is the
true measure of a man.

Later--

RECORD (CONT’D)
Heck, anyone can paddle in a
sunshower!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc, while staying in a motel room, makes a phone call to his wife Ethel to discuss his business prospects. The conversation is tense and passive-aggressive, showcasing the strain in their relationship. After the call, Ray undresses, pours himself a drink, and listens to a motivational record called 'The Power of the Positive' by Dr. Clarence Floyd Nelson. The scene portrays a mix of frustration, sadness, and loneliness, visually highlighted by Ray's surgery scars and the motivational record. The scene concludes with Ray lying in bed, still listening to the record.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Motivational theme
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into Ray Kroc's character, providing insight into his past struggles and current mindset. The use of the record player and motivational quotes adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of persistence and determination is central to the scene, driving Kroc's actions and inner thoughts. It sets the tone for his character development throughout the screenplay.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it adds layers to Kroc's character and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique element of using motivational records to convey themes of persistence and determination. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses heavily on Ray Kroc, delving into his past struggles and current mindset. The use of the record player and motivational quotes adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 6

While Ray Kroc doesn't undergo a significant change in this scene, it sets the stage for his character arc and development throughout the screenplay.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and his success to his wife, Ethel. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to secure leads for his business. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in growing his enterprise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene lacks significant external conflict but focuses more on internal struggles and character development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, represented by Ethel's passive-aggressive responses, adds a layer of conflict and uncertainty to Ray Kroc's journey.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on internal struggles and character introspection.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't move the main plot forward significantly but provides essential character development for Ray Kroc.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of how Ray Kroc will handle the challenges he faces, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of persistence and determination versus talent and education. This challenges Ray Kroc's beliefs about success and the value of hard work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes empathy for Ray Kroc's past struggles and determination, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Ray and Ethel Kroc reveals underlying tensions and showcases Ray's determination. The quotes from the record player add a unique element to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into Ray Kroc's internal struggles and showcases his determination and resilience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing readability and comprehension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, moving from Ray Kroc's phone call to his introspective moments, effectively conveying the character's emotional journey.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and doesn't seem to advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional and doesn't provide much insight into Kroc's character or motivations.
  • The use of the motivational record feels forced and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the viewer feeling unsatisfied.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether or shortening it significantly.
  • Add more dialogue that reveals Kroc's character and motivations.
  • Find a more organic way to incorporate the motivational record into the scene.
  • Add a stronger ending to the scene that leaves the viewer feeling satisfied.



Scene 4 -  Ray Kroc's Persistent Sales Pitch and a Glimmer of Hope
INT. JOE’S DRIVE-IN - KITCHEN - NEXT DAY

The kitchen of another drive-in, Kroc pitching to the OWNER.
The scene is virtually identical to the previous day’s.

RAY KROC
Increase supply, demand will
follow. Chicken and the egg. You
follow my logic? Of course you do.
You’re a bright, forward-thinking
fella who knows a good idea when he
hears it.
(BEAT)
So whaddaya say?


EXT. PARKING LOT - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc lugs the sample Multimixer back to his car.
6.


INT. KROC’S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc is pulled up to a customer spot in front of Joe’s Drive-
In. The scene before him is very much like the one at Ed’s
Drive-In, a riot of teenage rowdiness.

He looks at his watch. It’s 12:45. He HONKS, shouting out to
no one in particular:

RAY KROC
Could someone tell me when my...

He trails off as a female CARHOP approaches with a tray. She
hooks the tray onto his car door.

CARHOP
Enjoy.

She heads off. He lifts the cover off his plate, primed to
dig in. His face falls at the sight of the hamburger beneath.
He leans out the window, honks.

RAY KROC
I ordered the barbecued beef!

He’s howling into the void.


EXT. MERRIMAN’S DRIVE-IN - LATER

Another drive-in. Kroc with the OWNER.

RAY KROC
Mr. Merriman, are you familiar with
the notion of the chicken and the--

OWNER
No, thank you.

The Owner disappears into the restaurant. Kroc, shut down,
lugs the Multimixer over to his nearby car, heaves it into
the trunk. He takes a swig from his FLASK.


EXT. MERRIMAN’S DRIVE-IN - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc at a pay phone, dialing a long-distance number.

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
Prince Castle, how may I help you?

RAY KROC
Hi, June.
7.


INT. PRINCE CASTLE SALES - CONTINUOUS

A modest office in a Chicago high-rise. At the reception desk
is secretary JUNE MARTINO. (Intercut as necessary.)

JUNE MARTINO
Ray. How’s it going down there?

RAY KROC
Fine, swell, lot of interest.

JUNE MARTINO
That’s terrific. Hold on, I’ll
fetch your messages.

She grabs a pile of messages off the desk.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
Let’s see: Gene Rafferty from
United Aluminum, says he needs to
reschedule Friday... Ed Nance
calling again about the refund... a
lady from March of Dimes about a
donation... oh, and we got an
order. Six.

RAY KROC
Six?

JUNE MARTINO
Some drive-in out in California.

RAY KROC
One place? That’s impossible.

JUNE MARTINO
I’ve got the slip right here.

RAY KROC
You must’ve misunderstood. Give me
the number, I’ll straighten it out.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc continues his quest to sell Multimixers by visiting Joe's Drive-In and Merriman's Drive-In. Despite facing rejection at Merriman's, Kroc remains hopeful and calls Prince Castle Sales to report an order of six Multimixers from a California drive-in. June Martino, the receptionist, confirms the order, providing Kroc with a much-needed boost. The scene highlights Kroc's persistence, the challenges he faces, and the glimmer of hope that keeps him going.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Realistic portrayal of challenges
  • Establishing character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the struggles of the protagonist and sets up the obstacles he must overcome. The dialogue is engaging and the tone is consistent throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a struggling salesman trying to pitch his product in a challenging environment is well-executed. It sets up the central conflict of the story and establishes the character's motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as we see Ray Kroc facing rejection and setbacks in his sales pitch. It sets up the central conflict and establishes the character's journey.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the early days of the fast-food industry and the challenges faced by entrepreneurs like Ray Kroc. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions reflect the time period.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Ray Kroc being portrayed as determined and frustrated. The supporting characters add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While Ray Kroc faces setbacks, there is not a significant change in his character in this scene. It sets up the potential for growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal is to convince drive-in owners to buy his Multimixer machine and expand his business. This reflects his desire for success and recognition in the fast-food industry.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to sell his Multimixer machines to drive-in owners and expand his business. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in convincing skeptical owners to invest in his product.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the challenging environment he faces is well-established. It creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with drive-in owners presenting obstacles to Ray Kroc's sales pitch and challenging his business ideas.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the protagonist's personal struggles rather than high external stakes. It sets up the potential for higher stakes in future scenes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the challenges the protagonist faces and setting up the central conflict. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the drive-in owners to Ray Kroc's pitch, adding tension and uncertainty to the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ray Kroc's innovative and forward-thinking approach to business and the traditional mindset of some drive-in owners who are resistant to change. This challenges Kroc's beliefs in the value of progress and innovation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a sense of frustration and empathy for the protagonist, but the emotional impact is not overwhelming. It sets up the emotional journey of the character.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the frustration and determination of the characters. It moves the scene forward and reveals important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the high stakes of Ray Kroc's business endeavors, and the lively setting of the drive-in restaurants.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged in Ray Kroc's business dealings.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and interactions that advance the plot. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • This scene follows a very similar pattern as the previous scenes, where Kroc tries to sell his idea to a drive-in owner, this time using the 'chicken and the egg' analogy.
  • The scene is very short and doesn't provide much new information or character development.
  • The dialogue is repetitive, and Kroc's argument is not very compelling.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without any resolution or follow-up on Kroc's sales pitch.
  • It is unclear why Merriman is not interested in the Multimixer. There is no discussion of the product's benefits or how it could help his business.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene to include more character development or backstory.
  • Rewrite Kroc's sales pitch to be more specific and persuasive.
  • Add more dialogue between Kroc and the drive-in owner to explore their different perspectives.
  • Consider adding a twist or unexpected moment to the end of the scene.
  • Provide more information about the Multimixer and its benefits in order to make Merriman's disinterest more understandable.



Scene 5 -  Miscommunication and Changes: A Call to Merriman's Drive-In
EXT. MERRIMAN’S DRIVE-IN - SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc pours a few nickels into the pay phone, dials a number
off his wrist.

YOUNG EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Hello?

RAY KROC
Good afternoon. May I please speak
to the owner?
8.


YOUNG EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Which one?

RAY KROC
I’m sorry?

YOUNG EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Dick or Mac?

RAY KROC
Um, whomever’s available.

The guy puts the phone down, heads off. Through the receiver,
Kroc hears the sounds of an insanely busy--and efficient--
kitchen. “Order up!”... “I need six fries!”... “Patties up!”

DICK MCDONALD (O.S.)
This is Dick.

RAY KROC
Hello Dick, this is Ray Kroc from
Prince Castle Sales. I’m phoning
because someone there placed an
order with us for some Multimixers.

DICK MCDONALD
Yes, yes, that was me. How soon can
you get ‘em out here?

RAY KROC
Well, that’s actually why I was
calling. I believe there may have
been a miscommunication between--

In the background, someone SHOUTS SOMETHING to Dick.

DICK MCDONALD
Freezer! Top shelf, left side!
(back to Kroc)
Sorry.

RAY KROC
My secretary’s under the impression
you wanted six.

DICK MCDONALD
You know what? I think that’s a
mistake.

RAY KROC
That’s what I figured. What kind of
drive-in would be making 30 shakes
at a--
9.


DICK MCDONALD
Better make it eight.

ON KROC-- flabbergasted. Another background SHOUT.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
What’s that, Al? There’s a brand-
new box in the storeroom!
(to Kroc)
Look, now isn’t the best time.

RAY KROC
I’m sorry, I’m still a bit--

DICK MCDONALD
You know where to send ‘em, right?
San Bernardino, California. Corner
of 14th and E.

RAY KROC
To anyone in particular?

DICK MCDONALD
Just the store is fine. McDonald’s.

Another BACKGROUND SHOUT distracts Dick.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I gotta go. Just get those mixers
out here ASAP, okay? Thanks!

Click. Kroc stares at the receiver. What the hell was that?
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, a salesperson from Prince Castle Sales, calls Merriman's Drive-In to inquire about a recent order for Multimixers and speaks with Dick McDonald, one of the owners. The kitchen is busy and efficient in the background, with orders being shouted out. Ray is confused about the order, which was initially for six mixers but changed to eight by Dick. The scene ends with Ray staring at the receiver in disbelief after Dick quickly changes his order and hangs up. The main conflict in this scene is a miscommunication about the number of Multimixers ordered, and the tone is lively and fast-paced.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Realistic portrayal of business challenges
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the frustration and urgency of Ray Kroc's situation while providing insight into the fast-paced world of drive-in restaurants.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of securing a mixer order and the challenges faced in the process are well-executed, adding depth to Ray Kroc's character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ray Kroc navigates the obstacles in securing the mixer order, showcasing his determination and the competitive nature of the industry.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a business negotiation, highlighting the clash of personalities and values. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc experiences a shift in his approach as he navigates the challenges of securing the mixer order.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal is to secure a business deal with the McDonald brothers. This reflects his desire for success and recognition in the fast-food industry.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to deliver the Multimixers to the McDonald's restaurant in San Bernardino. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in fulfilling the order.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald, as well as the chaotic restaurant environment, creates tension and drives the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers creating obstacles to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Ray Kroc tries to secure a crucial order that could impact his business prospects.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing Ray Kroc's persistence and the competitive landscape of the industry.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turns in the negotiation and the characters' responses to each other.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ray Kroc's ambitious business mindset and the McDonald brothers' focus on efficiency and quality in their restaurant. This challenges Ray Kroc's values and beliefs about success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of frustration and urgency, but lacks deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, realistic, and reveals the personalities of the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and the sense of urgency in securing the business deal.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged in the negotiation process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It begins with Kroc making a phone call to inquire about an order, but then quickly shifts to a conversation about the miscommunication regarding the number of Multimixers ordered.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, with characters using overly formal language and technical terms that make it difficult for readers to engage with the scene.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition to convey information, rather than using action or dialogue to advance the plot.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves readers hanging without any resolution or closure.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose or direction, such as having Kroc visit the Merriman's Drive-In in person to investigate the miscommunication.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, using contractions and informal language where appropriate.
  • Incorporate more action or dialogue to advance the plot, such as having Kroc interact with Dick McDonald or other employees at the drive-in.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as having Kroc resolve the miscommunication and learn more about the McDonald brothers' operation.



Scene 6 -  Disappointment on Route 66
EXT. MERRIMAN’S DRIVE-IN - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc stands over a U.S. ROAD MAP on the hood of his car. He
unfolds it, opening the map westward. (Note: This part of the
map is not well-worn like the Midwest; it’s virgin territory
for Kroc.)

Kroc’s eyes drift westward to California. They land on a
small town 60 miles east of Los Angeles: San Bernardino.

Kroc looks at the whole country. He notices something. A road
directly connecting St. Louis to San Bernardino. Route 66.

ON KROC-- staring at Route 66. A single, unbroken line
running from where he is now to that mysterious city out in
Southern California.
10.


EXT. ROUTE 66 - DAY

Kroc driving west on Route 66. Cars, the open road, a
limitless horizon. The sky, the country, the whole world
seems to open up. His heart swells with possibility. The
vastness excites his brain. This must be how Lewis & Clark
felt. And then...


EXT. SAN BERNARDINO CITY LIMITS - ROUTE 66 - DAY

Kroc arrives in San Bernardino. A drab, dusty little town on
the edge of the desert. Hardly the pot of gold at the end of
the rainbow he was expecting. He continues along Route 66,
heading toward the center of town.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc driving. He sees the line before he sees the restaurant.
A long line, hundreds of people, snaking toward a HAMBURGER
STAND in the distance.

ON KROC-- taking in the strange sight of people out of their
cars, queued up in a line leading toward a self-service
window. It’s a distinctly FAMILY CROWD, lots of parents with
their children. Not a teenage delinquent in sight.

He parks, gets out. Unsure what to do, he gets in the line.
He looks off at the restaurant, checks his watch. It’s 1:15.

WOMAN (O.S.)
Don’t worry. It moves fast.

ANGLE ON the WOMAN in front of him. No sooner does she say
this than the line moves. Kroc shuffles forward 10 feet.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc in line, significantly further along. He looks at his
watch. It’s 1:19.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Ray Kroc, the main character, discovers Route 66 and drives to San Bernardino, expecting a pot of gold but finds a drab town instead. He sees a long line of families waiting at a hamburger stand, which contrasts with his expectations. A woman reassures him that the line moves fast, providing some comfort. The scene ends with Kroc still in line, feeling uncertain about what to do next. The emotional tone of the scene shifts from excitement and possibility to disappointment and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Effective setup of a new location and business opportunity
  • Engaging portrayal of hope and curiosity in the protagonist
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep character development
  • Minimal conflict to drive the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a new location and business opportunity for the protagonist, creating a sense of anticipation and curiosity.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring new territories and potential business ventures is engaging and sets up future developments in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward by introducing a new setting and potential business opportunity, adding layers to the protagonist's journey.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its portrayal of the protagonist's internal and external conflicts, the setting of post-war America, and the exploration of the fast food industry's rise.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The scene focuses more on the protagonist's reaction to the new environment rather than deep character development.

Character Changes: 5

The protagonist's perspective and goals shift slightly as he encounters a new potential business opportunity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find success and opportunity in uncharted territory. This reflects his deeper desire for recognition, wealth, and fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the potential of a new business opportunity in the form of a popular hamburger stand. This reflects the immediate challenge of assessing the viability of expanding his business ventures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in the scene, as it mainly focuses on the protagonist's discovery of a new opportunity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to present a challenge to the protagonist's goals, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are moderate in the scene, as the protagonist explores a new opportunity but without immediate high risks.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new location and business prospect for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations of the protagonist's success and challenges the audience's assumptions about the outcome of his business venture.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional values of hard work and innovation against the emerging consumer culture of convenience and mass production. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the value of hard work and personal achievement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of hope and curiosity in the audience, but lacks deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of moving the scene forward and providing necessary information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling mix of internal and external conflicts, vivid imagery, and character development that keeps the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection with action, creating a dynamic flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that advances the narrative.


Critique
  • The exposition is a bit too long and could be streamlined to make the scene more engaging.
  • The dialogue between Kroc and the woman in front of him is somewhat unnatural and could be rewritten to sound more authentic.
  • The description of the hamburger stand could be more vivid and evocative to help the reader visualize the setting.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, which could be added to make the scene more dramatic.
  • The ending of the scene is somewhat anticlimactic and could be rewritten to leave the reader with a stronger impression.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Kroc already in San Bernardino, eliminating the unnecessary exposition about his drive.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Kroc and the woman in front of him to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add more sensory details to the description of the hamburger stand, such as the smell of grilling meat, the sound of sizzling grease, and the bright colors of the signage.
  • Introduce a conflict or tension into the scene, such as Kroc being impatient with the long line or having a negative interaction with a rude customer.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to leave the reader with a stronger impression, such as by having Kroc witness something unusual or unexpected at the hamburger stand.



Scene 7 -  Ray Kroc's First Bite: A Taste of McDonald's
EXT. MCDONALD’S - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc at the front of the line. He checks his watch. 1:23.

CASHIER (O.S.)
Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take
your order?
11.


Kroc looks up, sees a CASHIER looking at him with a friendly
smile. Like all the other cashiers, he’s male and wholesome
as apple pie.

RAY KROC
Um, yes...

He looks at the MENU BOARD. It has just FOUR ITEMS: burgers,
fries, shakes, and Coca-Cola. A radical departure from the
typical sprawling drive-in menu.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Hamburger, fries, and a Coca-Cola.

CASHIER
45 cents, please.

Kroc hands him two quarters.

CASHIER (CONT’D)
And five cents is your change.

Kroc barely has time to put the nickel away when--

CASHIER (CONT’D)
Here you are.

The cashier hands him a paper sack. Kroc looks at it with
confusion.

RAY KROC
What’s this?

CASHIER
Your food.

RAY KROC
I just ordered.

CASHIER
(shrugs, smiles)
And now it’s here.

Kroc peers into the bag. Lo and behold, inside is a burger,
fries, and a Coca-Cola. He sees it’s all wrapped in PAPER.

RAY KROC
(”Where are the”--)
Silverware? Plates?

CASHIER
You just eat it straight out of the
wrapper. Then throw it all out.
12.


ON KROC-- bewildered. He takes the bag, unsure what to do.

RAY KROC
So now I bring it back to my car?

CASHIER
Most folks do. Or you could eat it
in the park, at home... anywhere
you like.

Kroc nods. This is all so strange to him. He turns, heads
toward his car. On the way, he spots an EMPTY BENCH. He
impulsively takes a seat.

Kroc reaches into the bag in his lap. He takes out the
hamburger, noting the paper packaging. He unwraps the burger,
looking at it, sniffing it. It looks and smells wonderful.

As he’s about to take a bite, out the corner of his eye he
notices in a nearby car... a GORGEOUS BLONDE.

KROC’S POV: The blonde, biting into a hamburger. As she
chews, a look of ecstasy comes over her face. She closes her
eyes, her head tipping back a bit, borderline orgasmic.

ON KROC-- staring at the blonde.

MOTHER (O.S.)
May we?

Kroc is shaken out of his reverie by a FAMILY OF FOUR looking
to sit on the bench. He slides over, making room.

MOTHER (CONT’D)
Thank you.

Kroc’s attention shifts from the blonde to the family. He
discretely watches as the mother passes out burgers to her
two young kids. The kids bite into them, “mmm”-ing audibly.

ON KROC-- observing this family of four, wholesome as can be,
devouring their delicious McDonald’s hamburgers.

Kroc looks at the burger in his own hand, takes a bite. As he
chews, his eyes roll back in his head.

MAN (O.S.)
How is everything?

Kroc looks up, sees a MAN standing before him. His necktie
and demeanor suggest manager.

RAY KROC
This is the best burger I ever had.
13.


MAN
We aim to please.

The man smiles, extends a friendly hand.

MAN (CONT’D)
Mac McDonald.

RAY KROC
Ray Kroc.

They shake. Kroc pulls a BUSINESS CARD from a pocket, hands
it to him. McDonald looks at it, unsure what to make of it:

RAY KROC - PRINCE CASTLE SALES CORP. - 2310 WACKER DRIVE,
CHICAGO, ILL.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
The Multimixer fella.

MAC MCDONALD
(it clicks in--)
You spoke to my brother.

Mac looks again at the card, noting the Chicago address.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
What brings you way out here?

RAY KROC
Oh, I was just in Los Angeles.
Meetings. Business. Figured as long
as I was in the neighborhood, I’d
swing by, say hello.

MAC MCDONALD
Well, I’m glad you did. Welcome!

Kroc’s eyes drift to the busy, humming restaurant.

RAY KROC
Quite an operation you got here.

MAC MCDONALD
Care for a little tour?

There’s nothing Kroc would like more.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc stops by a McDonald's restaurant and orders a hamburger, fries, and a Coca-Cola. Initially confused by the food packaging, he quickly figures it out and enjoys his meal. He meets Mac McDonald, one of the owners, and they exchange business cards. The tone of the scene is light and positive, with a focus on Kroc's introduction to the McDonald's restaurant and its food.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of McDonald's concept
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Setting up potential business opportunity
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited emotional depth in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a key turning point in the story, showcasing the clash of traditional dining norms with the emerging fast-food culture. It sets up intrigue and potential business opportunities for the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing the fast-food experience to a traditional salesman like Ray Kroc is engaging and sets the stage for a significant shift in the narrative. It effectively contrasts the old ways of dining with the new, innovative approach.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ray Kroc encounters the McDonald's operation, setting up a potential business partnership. The scene introduces a new direction for the protagonist and adds depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces the concept of fast food in a fresh and engaging way, highlighting the contrast between traditional dining practices and the new McDonald's system. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc and Mac McDonald are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their contrasting backgrounds and setting the stage for a potential collaboration. Their interactions add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

Ray Kroc undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he encounters the efficiency and simplicity of the McDonald's operation. This sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to understand and adapt to the new concept of fast food and the McDonald's system, reflecting his desire for success and growth in his business ventures.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to make a good impression on Mac McDonald and potentially explore business opportunities with him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a subtle conflict between the traditional dining norms of Ray Kroc and the innovative approach of McDonald's, the scene focuses more on introducing a potential business opportunity rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with Ray Kroc facing challenges in understanding the new fast food concept but ultimately adapting to it without significant conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While the scene introduces a high-stakes business opportunity for Ray Kroc, the focus is more on the potential collaboration with McDonald's rather than immediate high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a potential business opportunity for Ray Kroc with the McDonald brothers. It sets the stage for a new direction in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a new and unfamiliar concept (fast food) to the protagonist and the audience, creating intrigue and uncertainty about how Ray Kroc will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional dining practices and the new fast food model. This challenges Ray Kroc's beliefs about the restaurant industry and consumer behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes curiosity and intrigue in the audience as Ray Kroc experiences the fast-food concept for the first time. It sets the stage for emotional investment in the protagonist's journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the clash of perspectives between Ray Kroc and Mac McDonald, highlighting their different approaches to business. It sets the tone for their potential future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new and intriguing concept (fast food) in a visually descriptive and sensory way, keeping the audience interested in Ray Kroc's experience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension as Ray Kroc navigates the unfamiliar fast food experience, leading to a satisfying resolution with his positive reaction to the food.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of the McDonald's system, a conflict with Ray Kroc's confusion, and a resolution with his positive experience of the food.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and captures the wonder and confusion that Ray Kroc experiences when he first encounters McDonald's. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.
  • The scene could be more concise. It is currently 13 pages long, and some of the dialogue could be cut without losing any of the important information. This would make the scene more streamlined and easier to read.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The majority of the scene takes place in a single location, and there is not much action. Adding some more visual elements, such as shots of the food or the restaurant, would help to make the scene more engaging.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. Kroc simply shakes hands with Mac McDonald and leaves. There is not much of a resolution to the conflict, and the scene ends without a clear sense of what will happen next.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted in places. Some of the characters speak in a way that feels unnatural, and the dialogue does not always flow smoothly.
  • This scene is very focused on exposition, which can make it feel a bit dry. The writer could add more action or conflict to make the scene more engaging and to give the audience a better sense of who the characters are.
  • Some of the dialogue is a bit too on the nose, and the scene could use some more subtlety.
  • The scene could be more effective if it were shorter and more focused.
  • The scene could use more conflict or tension to keep the audience engaged.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Add more details about the setting. What does the restaurant look like? What is the atmosphere like?
  • Have Kroc interact with more of the staff. This will help to give the audience a better sense of the restaurant's culture, and it will also help to make Kroc more sympathetic.
  • Add a more dramatic ending to the scene. Kroc could have a sudden realization about the potential of McDonald's, or he could have a conflict with one of the staff members.
  • Consider using a different point of view. The scene is currently told from Kroc's perspective, but it could be more effective if it were told from the perspective of one of the staff members.
  • Add some more humor to the scene. This will help to make the scene more engaging and to make Kroc more likeable.
  • Consider having Kroc meet with one of the McDonald brothers. This would give Kroc a chance to learn more about the restaurant's history and philosophy, and it would also help to create a more personal connection between Kroc and the McDonald brothers.
  • Add some more conflict to the scene. This could be a conflict between Kroc and the staff, or it could be a conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers.
  • Consider having Kroc make a more significant decision at the end of the scene. This could be a decision about whether or not to invest in McDonald's, or it could be a decision about whether or not to stay in San Bernardino.



Scene 8 -  Ray Kroc's Introduction to the McDonald's Kitchen
INT. KITCHEN - SHORT TIME LATER

A bustling kitchen, organized as a series of stations.
14.


MAC MCDONALD (O.S.)
Speed...

ON MAC-- leading Kroc through the kitchen.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
That’s the name of the game.

They come to a massive GRILL manned by THREE COOKS.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
First stop for every McDonald’s
hamburger is the grill, manned by
three cooks whose sole job is to
grill those all-beef beauties to
perfection.

Kroc watches the mouth-watering beef sizzling on the grill.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Meanwhile...

He leads Kroc to an adjacent station, where two DRESSERS
stand before a rotating Lazy Susan with 24 BUN TOPS on it.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
As the patty cooks, our “dressers”
get the bun ready.

DRESSER #1 puts pickle slices and onion on each bun--

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Every McDonald’s hamburger gets two
pickles, a pinch of onion...

--while DRESSER #2 applies a squirt of ketchup and mustard
with a pair of trigger-operated CONDIMENT GUNS.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
...and a precise shot of ketchup
and mustard.

RAY KROC
(re: condiment guns)
Where’d you get those things?

MAC MCDONALD
We made ‘em.

RAY KROC
Made them?

MAC MCDONALD
Custom built. Whole kitchen is.
15.


ON KROC-- utterly amazed.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
(resuming tour)
Next it’s off to the finishing
station...

ANGLE ON the Lazy Susan, carrying 24 fully dressed bun tops,
traveling along a belt toward a FINISHING STATION.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Where it all comes together.

A pair of FINISHERS put cooked patties onto the fully dressed
bun tops, then put on bun bottoms and neatly wrap it up.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Voilá!

The finished product is fed into an angled metal sleeve that
slides them to the front counter, where cashiers can grab and
bag them with ease.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
A fresh and delicious hamburger,
grill to counter in 30 seconds.

ON KROC-- dumbfounded by what he’s seen. He looks at Mac.

RAY KROC
How?

MAC MCDONALD
Did I come up with all of this?
(sly smile)
I didn’t.

Kroc is confused.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
We did.

Kroc follows Mac’s eyes to a MAN coming toward them.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Dick McDonald. My brother.

Kroc grabs Dick’s hand, enthusiastically shakes.

RAY KROC
I just have to say, what you’ve
done here is nothing short of--
16.


DICK MCDONALD
(to Mac, ignoring Ray)
The fries.

MAC MCDONALD
What about ‘em?

Dick leads Mac toward the FRENCH FRY STATION. Kroc follows
along. Dick plucks a fry off the drying rack, hands it to
Mac, who pops it in his mouth.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Perfect.

DICK MCDONALD
They’re five percent too crisp.

Dick takes a fry, tastes it. Frowns.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I think we should drop to two
minutes, 50 seconds.

MAC MCDONALD
That’s what you had it at before.

DICK MCDONALD
400, not 375. Higher temp, shorter
cook.

Mac takes another taste.

MAC MCDONALD
I really think they’re spot-on.

RAY KROC
(to Dick)
If it makes any difference, they’re
the best fries I’ve ever tasted.
Crispy golden brown on the outside,
fluffy on the inside. Not too oily,
perfectly salty and crunchy.

Dick looks at Ray, taking note of him for the first time.

DICK MCDONALD
Who are you?

MAC MCDONALD
This is that Multimixer fella you
spoke to.

RAY KROC
Ray Kroc, Prince Castle Sales.
17.


Kroc hands Dick his card. Dick gives it a cursory glance.

DICK MCDONALD
How soon you figure we can expect
‘em?

RAY KROC
I’m sending them Blue Label Air.
You should have it early next week.

DICK MCDONALD
Good.

With this, Dick abruptly walks off. Ray gives chase.

RAY KROC
Wait!

He catches up, grabs Dick’s arm.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Let me take you out to dinner.

DICK MCDONALD
(jokey)
You’re really not my type.

RAY KROC
You and your brother.

Mac, a few feet away, comes over, curious.

MAC MCDONALD
What for?

RAY KROC
I’m gonna shoot straight with you
fellas. This restaurant is the most
remarkable thing I’ve seen in all
my years in the food-service
industry. And believe you me, I’ve
seen it all. I want to know
everything about it. Where it came
from, how you thought of it.
(BEAT)
Please. Tell me your story.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc is given a tour of the McDonald's kitchen and is impressed by the assembly line production of hamburgers and fries. Mac and Dick McDonald are focused on perfecting their product, leading to a conflict when Dick criticizes the fries for being too crispy. Ray expresses his desire to learn more about the operation and invites Mac and Dick to dinner, signaling a potential business opportunity.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character introduction
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of intense conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, informative, and sets up the foundation for the rest of the story. It introduces key characters, showcases innovative concepts, and builds intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing the behind-the-scenes operations of a fast-food kitchen in the 1950s is unique and captivating. It highlights the innovative approach of the McDonald brothers and their commitment to quality and efficiency.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ray Kroc learns about the McDonald's operation and becomes intrigued by their business model. It sets the stage for his future involvement with the company.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its fresh approach to showcasing the behind-the-scenes operations of a fast-food restaurant and the characters' innovative ideas and equipment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Mac and Dick McDonald are introduced effectively, showcasing their dedication to their business and attention to detail. Ray Kroc's enthusiasm and curiosity also shine through.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, Ray Kroc's perspective on fast food and business is starting to shift.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to understand the innovative process behind McDonald's success and to gain insight into the McDonald brothers' vision and creativity. This reflects his deeper desire for success and recognition in the food-service industry.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to establish a business relationship with the McDonald brothers and potentially acquire their restaurant concept. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of expanding his own business and tapping into the success of McDonald's.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a subtle conflict in the scene regarding the perfectionism of the McDonald brothers, it is not the central focus.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ray Kroc faces challenges in understanding and adapting to the McDonald brothers' innovative ideas and equipment. The audience is left wondering how this opposition will impact the future of the characters and their business ventures.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, as Ray Kroc's interest in the McDonald's operation is piqued, hinting at future developments.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the McDonald's business model and setting up Ray Kroc's future involvement.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the revelation of the McDonald brothers' innovative ideas and equipment. The audience is kept on their toes as they learn more about the unique aspects of the restaurant's operation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between innovation and tradition in the food-service industry. The McDonald brothers' innovative approach challenges the traditional methods of food preparation and business operations, posing a dilemma for Ray Kroc in terms of adapting to new ideas while respecting established practices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes admiration and curiosity in the audience, especially towards the McDonald brothers' innovative approach.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and serves to convey key information about the McDonald's operation. It also reveals the personalities of the characters involved.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the fast-paced and innovative world of a McDonald's kitchen, with dynamic character interactions and a sense of curiosity and intrigue about the behind-the-scenes operations of a successful restaurant.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and dynamic rhythm that mirrors the environment of a busy kitchen. The dialogue exchanges and character movements are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are well-structured and enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre by introducing the setting, characters, and conflict in a coherent and engaging manner. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the fast-paced environment of a kitchen.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and informative, providing a clear overview of the McDonald brothers' assembly line production process. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural at times, especially in the beginning when Mac McDonald is explaining the process to Kroc. It would be more engaging if the characters spoke in a more conversational tone.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The description of the kitchen is clear, but it could be more vivid if the writer used more sensory details. For example, they could describe the smell of the grilling beef or the sound of the condiment guns.
  • The scene could be more dramatic. The arrival of Dick McDonald and his critique of the fries is a potentially dramatic moment, but it is played down in the current version. The writer could heighten the tension by having Dick be more confrontational or by having Kroc react more strongly to his criticism.
Suggestions
  • To improve the dialogue, the writer could try reading it aloud and listening for any lines that sound unnatural. They could also try to use more contractions and colloquialisms.
  • To make the scene more visually interesting, the writer could try to use more sensory details. For example, they could describe the smell of the grilling beef or the sound of the condiment guns.
  • To make the scene more dramatic, the writer could try to have Dick be more confrontational or by having Kroc react more strongly to his criticism.



Scene 9 -  The Innovative Journey of the McDonald Brothers: From Depression to Drive-in Revolution
INT. STEAKHOUSE - EVENING

Kroc sits across from the brothers in a corner booth, rib eye
steaks in front of all three.
18.


MAC MCDONALD
There wasn’t a job in all of
Manchester. All of New Hampshire.
So we packed our bags and headed
west. To Hollywood. I wanted to be
in the movie business. And Dick,
well, he wanted to be...

DICK MCDONALD
Employed.

MAC MCDONALD
We landed jobs driving trucks for
Columbia Pictures. After a few
years, we had enough saved up to
buy our own little piece of show
business. A little movie theater
out in Glendora. Which would’ve
been swell, except for the small
matter of timing. It was September
of ‘29. One minute we’re screening
“Gold Diggers Of Broadway”, the
next it’s “Brother, can you spare a
dime?” Literally.

DICK MCDONALD
I couldn’t.

MAC MCDONALD
Nobody in town was making any
money. Except this one fella, Wylie
Reid. Ran a hot dog and root beer
stand. People still gotta eat,
right? So we decide to set up our
own stand, hot dogs and orange
juice, out in Arcadia.


EXT. ARCADIA - DAY (FLASHBACK)

A YOUNG DICK AND MAC manning their dusty, roadside HOT DOG
STAND during the Great Depression. A smattering of CUSTOMERS.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
It did okay, enough to keep us off
the bread line, but we were hardly
doing gangbusters. There just
weren’t enough people in Arcadia.
19.


BACK TO PRESENT--

MAC MCDONALD
Meanwhile, one town over is San
Bernardino, the place is growing at
a terrific clip. We want to
relocate, but we’ve got no money
for a new stand. That’s when my
brother here gets one of his
brilliant ideas. Tell him, Dick.

Dick throws Mac a “That’s okay, you tell him” nod.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
“Why don’t we move the stand we’ve
got? Put it on a truck!”
(BEAT)
Genius, right? Except one small
problem. On the road between the
towns, there’s an overpass. The
building doesn’t clear. I figure
that’s it, we’re done for. But then
Dick says...

Another nod of deferral from Dick.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
“Why don’t we saw the restaurant in
half?”


EXT. ROAD - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dick and Mac driving an old flatbed Ford. On the back is the
stand, SPLIT IN TWO. The truck goes under an overpass,
narrowly clearing.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
We truck the darn thing over in two
pieces, put it back together!


BACK TO PRESENT--

Kroc guffaws with amazement.

MAC MCDONALD
We move the building, set up shop.
But before we open, we decide to
give the place a little tweak. It’s
1940. Drive-ins are all the rage,
the hottest thing going. I say
Dick, we gotta get in on this. Dick
says sure.
(MORE)
20.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT'D)
Two months later, we open for
business...
(show-biz hands)
“McDonald’s Famous Barbecue!”


EXT. MCDONALD’S FAMOUS BARBECUE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

The brothers’ proto-McDonald’s, up and running. Pretty
CARHOPS in tasseled short skirts and Western boots hustle
about serving customers.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
We’ve got a 27-item menu, barbecue
slow-cooked in a real pit out back.
Uniformed waitresses bring the food
straight out to your car. It does
gangbusters. Going great guns. But
then, sales start to level off.


BACK TO PRESENT--

DICK MCDONALD
The drive-in model, as we learn,
has a few built-in problems.

Kroc leans in, eager to hear their take on this.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
For starters, there’s the customer
issue. Drive-ins tend to attract,
shall we say, a less-than desirable
clientele.

MAC MCDONALD
Teenagers.

DICK MCDONALD
Hot rodders and hooligans. Juvenile
delinquents in blue jeans.

Kroc nods, all too familiar.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Then there’s the service. It takes
forever and a day for your food to
arrive. And when it finally does--

RAY KROC
It’s completely wrong.
21.


DICK MCDONALD
The carhops are too busy dodging
gropes to remember you wanted a
strawberry phosphate, not cherry.

RAY KROC
If they remember at all.

MAC MCDONALD
Then there’s the expenses. Payroll
is high due to the large staff
required. Dishes are constantly
getting stolen or broken.

DICK MCDONALD
Tremendous overhead.

MAC MCDONALD
But one day Dick has a realization.
Going over the books, he notices
something. The bulk of our sales
come from just three items:
Burgers, fries, soft drinks.

DICK MCDONALD
87 percent.

MAC MCDONALD
We say to ourselves, what the heck
are we doing monkeying around with
all this other stuff? Focus on what
sells.

Kroc nods. Yes.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
And that’s just what we do.
Brisket, gone. Tamales, gone. And
we don’t stop at the menu. We look
at everything. What else don’t we
need?

DICK MCDONALD
Turns out, quite a lot.

MAC MCDONALD
Carhops.

DICK MCDONALD
Walk up to a window. Get your food
yourself.

MAC MCDONALD
Dishes.
22.


DICK MCDONALD
All paper packaging. Disposable.

MAC MCDONALD
Jukeboxes, cigarette machines.

DICK MCDONALD
Drive out the riff-raff.

RAY KROC
(totally in sync)
Create a family-friendly
environment!

MAC MCDONALD
And finally, the biggest, most
important cut of all... the wait.

DICK MCDONALD
Orders ready in 30 seconds, not 30
minutes.

MAC MCDONALD
We decide to tear down the kitchen.
Rebuild. Reconfigure. Rethink the
whole dang thing. And you’re gonna
love how we do it. Tell him, Dick.

DICK MCDONALD
The tennis court?

MAC MCDONALD
He brings me out to this tennis
court, draws an outline in the
dirt. Exact dimensions of our
kitchen.
Genres: ["Biography","Drama"]

Summary In this nostalgic and informative scene, Ray Kroc meets with Mac and Dick McDonald at a steakhouse, where the brothers share their past struggles and successes. Starting from their journey from New Hampshire to California during the Great Depression, they opened a hot dog stand and later moved it to San Bernardino. Facing issues with the drive-in model, they decided to focus on their best-selling items, eliminating carhops, dishes, and other unnecessary expenses. This led to their innovative kitchen redesign for faster service, which they excitedly share with Kroc, marking the end of the scene.
Strengths
  • Informative dialogue
  • Historical context
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict
  • Lack of immediate tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the historical significance of the McDonald's origin story, engaging the audience with a mix of informative dialogue and nostalgic flashbacks.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of streamlining operations and focusing on core products is presented in a clear and compelling manner, setting the foundation for the McDonald's success story.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the evolution of the McDonald's business model, showcasing the challenges faced and the innovative solutions implemented by the McDonald brothers.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the origins of a well-known fast-food chain, highlighting the McDonald brothers' innovative approach to business. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dick and Mac McDonald are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a shared vision for their business. Ray Kroc's enthusiasm and alignment with their ideas add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The McDonald brothers undergo a significant transformation in their business approach, shifting towards a more streamlined and efficient model.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find success and stability in their business ventures. This reflects their desire for financial security and recognition in their field.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to streamline their business operations and focus on what sells to increase profitability. This reflects their immediate challenge of overcoming obstacles in their drive-in model.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are challenges presented in the form of business obstacles, the scene primarily focuses on the solutions and innovations introduced by the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the McDonald brothers facing challenges in their drive-in model and the need to adapt to changing customer demands. The audience is left wondering how they will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the strategic decisions made by the characters have long-term implications for their business.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key elements of the McDonald's success story and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its approach to the McDonald brothers' business decisions and the challenges they face. The audience is kept on their toes by the unexpected twists and turns.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of simplicity and efficiency versus complexity and tradition. The McDonald brothers challenge the conventional drive-in model by simplifying their menu and operations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and admiration for the McDonald brothers' resilience and ingenuity, resonating with the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and informative, providing insights into the characters' motivations and the evolution of the McDonald's business model.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue, historical context, and character interactions. The audience is drawn into the McDonald brothers' journey and their innovative business strategies.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and flashback sequences. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between flashback and present-day dialogue. The formatting enhances the storytelling and character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a flashback to the McDonald brothers' early days and a present-day conversation with Ray Kroc. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene serves as an exposition dump, where the McDonald brothers provide an extensive and detailed account of their journey and the development of their restaurant concept. While it's important to provide backstory and context, the excessive exposition in this scene can feel overwhelming and monotonous, potentially losing the reader's attention.
  • The dialogue is primarily functional, focusing on conveying information rather than creating a sense of authenticity or emotional connection. The characters' voices blend together at times, and their conversations lack the natural flow and rhythm of genuine storytelling.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slow and plodding, as the brothers take turns recounting their experiences in a chronological order. This can make it difficult for the reader to stay engaged and invested in the narrative.
  • The focus on technical details, such as the percentage of sales generated by specific menu items and the layout of the redesigned kitchen, can be tedious and not engaging enough for a reader.
Suggestions
  • Break up the exposition into smaller, more manageable chunks, interspersed with action, dialogue, or other elements that create a sense of pacing and variety.
  • Infuse the dialogue with more personality and idiosyncrasies of the characters. Let their unique perspectives and voices shine through to make the conversation more engaging.
  • Consider using flashbacks or interwoven narratives to present the brothers' story in a more dynamic and visually interesting way.
  • Include sensory details, emotional beats, and personal anecdotes to make the brothers' experiences more relatable and emotionally resonant.
  • Prioritize the most essential information and focus on conveying it in a clear and concise manner, leaving out unnecessary details that may bog down the narrative.



Scene 10 -  Planning the Perfect Fast-Food Layout and a Disastrous Grand Opening
EXT. TENNIS COURT - DAY (FLASHBACK)

A TENNIS COURT, somewhere in San Bernardino. Mac watches as
Dick carefully draws a KITCHEN OUTLINE on it with a stick.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
We bring in a bunch of employees,
have ‘em go through the motions,
making pretend burgers and fries.

--An invisible kitchen, YOUNG EMPLOYEES mimicking the moves,
trying to get it right.
23.


MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
Dick’s chasing after them with the
stick, marking up where all the
equipment should go. They do it
over and over, hashing out the
moves, choreographing like it’s
some sort of crazy burger ballet.

--Over and over. It’s starting to get dark.

DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
Finally, after about six hours of
this, we get it just right.

--Workers making pretend burgers and fries in perfect sync.

DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
A symphony of efficiency. Not a
wasted motion.


BACK TO PRESENT--

DICK MCDONALD
We take the layout to a builder,
custom build to exact specs.

MAC MCDONALD
Ta-da. The Speedee System is born.
The world’s first-ever system
designed to deliver food fast. It’s
totally revolutionary.

DICK MCDONALD
And a complete disaster.


EXT. MCDONALD’S - DAY (FLASHBACK)

The grand opening. The hungry and the curious pulling up.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
Opening day, people pull into the
lot, immediately start honking when
no carhop comes over. We try to
explain the walk-up window. They’re
bewildered. Furious. “Whaddaya mean
I gotta get out of my car?”
24.


BACK TO PRESENT--

MAC MCDONALD
Most of them just cuss us out and
drive off. The few that stick
around are mad as heck about having
to eat off paper and discard their
own trash.

DICK MCDONALD
We may have underestimated the
learning curve.

MAC MCDONALD
By five o’clock, Dick’s calculating
the cost of converting back to
drive-in. But me, I’m not quite
ready to throw in the towel. Going
back to my Hollywood roots, I say
to myself, “We gotta go big with
this. We gotta put on a show.” I
tell Dick I want to throw a grand
re-opening. A gala premiere to put
Louis B. Mayer to shame.


EXT. GRAND RE-OPENING - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

The fast-food equivalent of a Hollywood-style premiere.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
We rent a bunch of spotlights, the
same ones we used to truck around
to premieres in the Columbia days.
I get sparklers, a juggler for the
kiddies--it’s an event. People show
up in droves. And then...

DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
The flies.

--An ominous cloud gathers over the restaurant. A SWARM OF
INSECTS. They swoop down in unison, as if in attack mode.

DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
They must’ve been drawn by all the
lights.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
Millions of ‘em. Looked like
something out of Exodus.

--Customers running, screaming. Swatting.
25.


DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
The Pharaoh would’ve released the
Israelites.


BACK TO PRESENT--

MAC MCDONALD
It’s a total disaster. Towel time.
(BEAT)
The next morning, Dick and I meet
up to discuss going back to the old
format. As we’re talking, there’s a
knock at the service window. Dick
goes over, sees a little boy
standing there. He wants a bag of
burgers.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Mac and Dick plan the layout of their first fast-food restaurant on a tennis court, spending six hours perfecting it. At the grand opening, customers are confused and angry about the new walk-up window system. Mac suggests throwing a grand re-opening to attract more customers, but the event is ruined by a swarm of flies. The scene ends on a hopeful note as a little boy orders food through the service window.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of in-depth exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and disaster to engage the audience and provide insight into the origins of the Speedee System.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of developing a fast-food system through trial and error, culminating in a disastrous grand re-opening, is innovative and entertaining.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the challenges faced by the McDonald brothers in transitioning to a fast-food model, leading to a pivotal moment of decision-making.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the origin story of McDonald's, blending humor and drama in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Mac and Dick McDonald are well-developed, showcasing their contrasting personalities and approaches to business.

Character Changes: 7

Both Mac and Dick McDonald undergo a subtle shift in their perspectives and approaches as they navigate the challenges of the Speedee System.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to not give up and find a way to make the new system work despite the initial failures. This reflects his desire to succeed and innovate.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully implement the Speedee System and make it a hit with customers. This reflects the immediate challenge of introducing a new way of serving food.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the challenges faced by the McDonald brothers in implementing their new fast-food system and the subsequent disastrous grand re-opening.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and setbacks that keep the audience unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes are evident in the McDonald brothers' risky decision to transition to a fast-food model and the potential consequences of their failures.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing the pivotal moments in the development of the Speedee System and the McDonald brothers' journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges faced by the characters, such as the swarm of insects during the grand re-opening.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between innovation and tradition. The characters face the challenge of introducing a revolutionary system while also dealing with the backlash from customers who prefer the old ways.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, reflection, and disappointment, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor and frustration of the situation, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mix of humor, drama, and historical references. The characters' struggles and triumphs keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a flashback structure, effectively transitioning between past and present events. The formatting is clear and easy to follow.


Critique
  • While the scene provides a visual representation of how the McDonald brothers developed their efficient kitchen layout, it lacks emotional depth and character development.
  • The dialogue is primarily expository, explaining the concept of the Speedee System without giving much insight into the brothers' personalities or motivations.
  • The flashback to the grand re-opening is a missed opportunity to inject some humor or drama into the scene. Instead, it is presented as a brief and somewhat anticlimactic event.
  • The scene doesn't contribute significantly to the overall plot or character arcs. It feels like a standalone piece that could be easily omitted without affecting the rest of the screenplay.
  • The transition back to the present is abrupt and disjointed, leaving the reader feeling like they missed something.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding moments of tension or conflict during the development process, such as disagreements between the brothers or challenges they face in perfecting the layout.
  • Give the characters more distinct voices and personalities through their dialogue, allowing the reader to connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Expand on the grand re-opening disaster, creating a more vivid and humorous scene that showcases the brothers' resilience in the face of adversity.
  • Explore the impact of the Speedee System on the brothers' relationship or their vision for the future of McDonald's.
  • Smooth out the transition back to the present by providing a brief summary or reminder of the events that led up to the flashback.



Scene 11 -  The Beginning of a Business Partnership: McDonald's and Kroc
INT. MCDONALD’S - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dick at the service window, looking at a YOUNG KID. His nose
barely clears the counter.

DICK MCDONALD (V.O.)
I tell him we’re closed.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
But he’s cute, I feel bad for him,
so I fire up the grill, make him a
batch. And as he’s heading off...

--A car pulls into the lot.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
A car pulls up.

--A second car.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
Then another.

--A third car.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
And another. Before you know it,
there’s a line around the block.

--A LINE OF CUSTOMERS stretching into the distance.

MAC MCDONALD (V.O.)
Word has spread.
26.


BACK TO PRESENT--

DICK MCDONALD
And it’s off to the races.

MAC MCDONALD
We’re an overnight sensation.
Thirty years in the making.

ON KROC-- absorbing all of this, blown away.

Mac gives Kroc a modest little shrug.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
So that’s our story.


INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Kroc lies awake in bed, buzzing, unable to sleep.


EXT. MCDONALD’S - NEXT MORNING

Dick and Mac pull into the McDonald’s lot in Dick’s car.
They’re startled to see--

Kroc, sitting out front. He approaches their car. Before Dick
can fully roll down his window:

RAY KROC
Franchise.

DICK MCDONALD
Beg pardon?

RAY KROC
Franchise, franchise the thing.
It’s too good to just be one
location. There ought to be
McDonald’s everywhere. Coast to
coast, sea to shining sea. And I’m
just the man to help you do it.
I’ve spent the better part of my
life criss-crossing this country. I
know every highway and byway, every
city and every town.

DICK MCDONALD
Mr. Kroc...

RAY KROC
Let me just say one thing. One more
thing.
(MORE)
27.

RAY KROC (CONT'D)
I want to confess something to you
boys. I’m not out here in
California on any business meeting.
I’m out here for you. You’re what
brought me out. A few days ago, I
was standing outside a filling
station in St. Louis, Missouri
staring at a U.S. road map, staring
at a long, white, unbroken line
called Route 66. I took my finger--

DICK MCDONALD
Mr. Kroc--

RAY KROC
I took my finger, and I traced that
line from where I was standing all
the way out to California, where it
ran smack-dab into this place we
are now. As I stared at that line,
something told me to follow it.
Something told me to get in my car
and see what’s out there at the
other end. And when I laid eyes on
your hamburger stand yesterday, all
those people lined up to purchase
your remarkable product, I knew it
was--

DICK MCDONALD
We already tried!
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In a flashback scene at a bustling McDonald's restaurant, Dick and Mac McDonald share the story of their restaurant's sudden success after serving a young customer, leading to a long line of customers. The scene then transitions to a motel room where Ray Kroc, a traveling salesman, proposes franchising the business to the brothers. However, the brothers are hesitant due to their previous failed attempt at franchising. The emotional tone is a mix of nostalgia, excitement, and tension, with Ray passionately expressing his desire to franchise the business, while Dick is hesitant. The scene ends with Dick expressing their previous failed attempt at franchising to Ray.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the emotional and inspirational essence of the birth of the McDonald's franchise, setting the stage for the future success of the business. The dialogue is impactful and the character dynamics are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of franchising the McDonald's restaurant is a crucial turning point in the story, laying the foundation for the massive growth and success of the brand. The scene effectively conveys the significance of this concept through compelling dialogue and character interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene as Ray Kroc introduces the idea of franchising to the McDonald brothers, leading to a major shift in the direction of the story. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments within the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fast-food industry by delving into the personal and professional struggles of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers, are well-developed and their motivations are clearly portrayed. The scene showcases the contrasting personalities of the characters and their evolving relationships.

Character Changes: 7

The scene marks a significant change in the dynamics between the characters, particularly as Ray Kroc introduces the concept of franchising and challenges the McDonald brothers' initial reluctance. This sets the stage for future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain the success and integrity of their business while navigating the challenges and opportunities presented by Ray Kroc's franchise proposal. This reflects their desire to protect their legacy and vision for McDonald's.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to franchise their business with Ray Kroc and expand McDonald's nationwide. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their growing popularity and the potential for business growth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not overt conflict in this scene, there is tension and uncertainty as Ray Kroc proposes the idea of franchising to the skeptical McDonald brothers. The conflicting desires and motivations of the characters create a subtle but compelling conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition rating is high due to the conflicting goals and values of the characters, creating a compelling obstacle for the protagonists to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Ray Kroc proposes a bold and ambitious plan to franchise the McDonald's concept, risking rejection and failure. The outcome of this proposal will have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the future of the business.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing the concept of franchising and setting up future conflicts and developments. It establishes a new direction for the narrative and paves the way for the expansion of the McDonald's brand.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Ray Kroc and his impassioned plea to franchise the business, creating tension and uncertainty for the protagonists.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the clash between the McDonald brothers' commitment to quality and consistency in their business versus Ray Kroc's ambition for rapid expansion and profit. This challenges the protagonists' values of authenticity and community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of inspiration and nostalgia, as the audience witnesses the birth of a groundbreaking business concept. The emotional depth of the characters and their aspirations resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is powerful and emotionally resonant, effectively conveying the passion and determination of Ray Kroc as he presents his vision for the future of McDonald's. The interactions between the characters are engaging and reveal key aspects of their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the high stakes of the decision-making process, and the emotional depth of the dialogue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action to maintain the audience's interest and drive the plot forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a flashback to establish context and a present-day confrontation to drive the plot forward. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't flow smoothly and it's difficult to tell who is speaking at times.
  • The scene is very exposition-heavy. The characters spend a lot of time talking about the past and explaining things to each other. This can be boring for the audience and it can make it difficult to follow the story.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear goal. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The scene ends abruptly. It feels like it's missing a resolution or a conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and easier to follow.
  • Cut down on the exposition and focus on the story. Only include information that is essential to the plot.
  • Give the scene a clear goal and make sure that the characters are working towards that goal.
  • Add a resolution or conclusion to the scene. This could be a simple wrap-up of what happened or it could be a more dramatic moment that leaves the audience wanting more.



Scene 12 -  Franchise Failures and Quality Control Concerns
INT. MCDONALD’S - BACK OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc and the brothers stand before a U.S. MAP.

DICK MCDONALD
Five.

ANGLE ON map. Five PUSH PINS are stuck in it, clustered
around California and the Southwest.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Three in Southern California, one
in Sacramento and one in Phoenix.
(BEAT)
And that’s all there’ll ever be.

RAY KROC
Why?
28.


DICK MCDONALD
Two words: Quality control. It’s
almost impossible to enforce
standards from afar.

MAC MCDONALD
Those places were a mess. Filthy
kitchens, inconsistent menus...

DICK MCDONALD
Sacramento was selling burritos.

MAC MCDONALD
To watch your precious creation get
mismanaged like that. Your name.

DICK MCDONALD
Put Mac in the hospital.

Kroc looks at Mac, surprised.

MAC MCDONALD
Diabetes and extreme stress don’t
mix.

A BEAT as Kroc absorbs this.

RAY KROC
But if you had somebody in charge
of supervising.

MAC MCDONALD
We did.

RAY KROC
What happened?

DICK MCDONALD
He obviously didn’t do a great job.

RAY KROC
So replace him. With someone
better.

DICK MCDONALD
Our energies are better spent
making this place the best it can
possibly be.

MAC MCDONALD
Better one great restaurant than 50
mediocre ones.
29.


RAY KROC
Sure, but I still think if you had
the right--

DICK MCDONALD
Thank you, we’re not interested.

RAY KROC
Someone as committed to quality as--

DICK MCDONALD
Thank you.

Kroc backs off. A BEAT of awkward silence.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray Kroc, Dick McDonald, and Mac McDonald discuss the problems with the existing McDonald's franchises, including quality control issues, filthy kitchens, inconsistent menus, and even a location selling burritos. The brothers reveal that the stress from these failures put Mac in the hospital. Kroc suggests replacing the person in charge, but the brothers decline, wanting to focus on their own restaurant's quality. The scene highlights the conflict between Kroc's expansion goals and the brothers' quality concerns, leaving the issue unresolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled conflict
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters while exploring a crucial aspect of the plot. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of quality control and the challenges of expanding a successful business are central to the scene. It sets up a key conflict that will likely impact the future direction of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ray Kroc tries to convince the McDonald brothers to consider franchising their business. The scene sets up a major turning point in the story by introducing the idea of expansion.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of business expansion, focusing on the clash between quality and quantity in the fast-food industry. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The contrasting viewpoints of Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers create a compelling dynamic that drives the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential shifts in the McDonald brothers' perspectives as they consider the implications of franchising.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to convince the McDonald brothers to expand their business and allow him to take charge of the franchising operation. This reflects his desire for success, recognition, and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to persuade the McDonald brothers to let him lead the franchising efforts and expand the business. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing the owners to change their business model.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers is palpable, with each side firmly defending their position on quality control. The stakes are high as they debate the future of the business.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the McDonald brothers resisting Kroc's proposals and challenging his vision for the business, creating conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters debate the future direction of the business. The decision to franchise could have far-reaching consequences for both the McDonald brothers and Ray Kroc.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the concept of franchising and the challenges it poses to the McDonald brothers' vision for their business. It sets up a major conflict that will drive future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the McDonald brothers' commitment to quality control and maintaining the integrity of their brand versus Kroc's ambition for growth and expansion. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about business success and the balance between quality and quantity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from tension to frustration, as the characters clash over their differing visions for the business. The personal stakes for the McDonald brothers add depth to the conflict.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, realistic, and reveals the conflicting perspectives of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the debate over quality control.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue exchanges, power dynamics between the characters, and the high stakes involved in the decision-making process.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, effective dialogue exchanges, and pauses that enhance the dramatic impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven, character-driven drama, with clear conflict, rising tension, and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a little repetitive. Dick McDonald repeats the idea that quality control is difficult to enforce from afar multiple times, and Ray Kroc keeps asking about replacing the person in charge of supervision.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The entire scene takes place in the McDonald's back office, and there is no movement or action to break up the dialogue.
  • The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers could be more developed. Kroc keeps trying to convince them to expand their franchise, but they keep refusing. The scene would be more dynamic if there was a more back-and-forth between the characters.
  • The scene could be more concise. The dialogue is a little long and repetitive, and the scene could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
Suggestions
  • Add some more visual interest to the scene. Have the characters move around, or have something happen in the background that can add some visual variety.
  • Develop the conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers more. Give them more reasons to disagree, and have them argue their points more passionately.
  • Concisen the dialogue. Cut out any unnecessary lines and make the dialogue more efficient.
  • Add some more humor to the scene. The scene is a little serious, and a few jokes could help to lighten it up.



Scene 13 -  Ray Kroc's Fateful Encounter with the Golden Arches
Kroc’s eye goes to something else on the wall... a BLUEPRINT.
The building has towering arches on each side.

RAY KROC
What’s that?

DICK MCDONALD
A blueprint.

RAY KROC
Those:

Mac follows Kroc’s eyes to the arches.

MAC MCDONALD
It’s a way to make the place stand
out when you’re driving past.

DICK MCDONALD
“The Golden Arches” I call ‘em.

Kroc stares at them, fascinated. It’s a crazy, radical (and
kind of brilliant) thing to stick on the sides of a building.

RAY KROC
Who thought of that?

MAC MCDONALD
That’s pure Dick magic right there.

Dick’s gaze is still on the arches, clearly proud.

RAY KROC
Ever do one like that?

DICK MCDONALD
Just one...
30.


Dick looks at the U.S. map. A lonely push pin in the middle
of Arizona.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Phoenix.


EXT. ROUTE 66 - SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA/ARIZONA - DAY

Kroc driving back along Route 66, taking in the scenery.

SERIES OF SHOTS: Kroc passing through various small towns,
each with a Main Street running through it. On every Main
Street, we see the same two things: a church and courthouse.

Glimpses of various churches and courthouses. Churches topped
with crosses. Courthouses with American flags.

ON KROC-- processing, wheels turning.


EXT. ROUTE 66 - FLAGSTAFF, AZ - NIGHT

Kroc driving through Flagstaff. He passes a road sign: I-17
SOUTH - PHOENIX - NEXT RIGHT

He takes an impulsive detour.


EXT. CENTRAL AVENUE (PHOENIX) - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc drives down Phoenix’s Central Avenue. He sees the arches
before he sees the restaurant.

Kroc pulls into the empty lot (the restaurant is closed). He
gets out, looks up at the arches. They’re lit up and glowing.
Glorious, magical.

He does a slow lap around the building, taking in the arches
from all angles. Halfway around, the shifting perspective
causes the arches to meet. They form a giant “M” (the
McDonald’s logo as we know it today), 30 feet high.

ON KROC-- standing before the “M”, bathed in its golden,
glowing light. Like Moses before the Burning Bush.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, a traveling salesman, discovers the unique 'Golden Arches' design during a visit to Dick and Mac McDonald's office in San Bernardino, California. Fascinated by the architectural element, Kroc learns of a single location in Phoenix, Arizona, featuring this design. Driven by curiosity, he embarks on an impromptu road trip, eventually standing before the glowing arches, forming a giant 'M', experiencing a moment of revelation and admiration.
Strengths
  • Visual imagery of the Golden Arches
  • Pride and fascination of the McDonald brothers
  • Introduction of a key branding element
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, visually striking, and introduces a key element of the McDonald's brand in a captivating way.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Golden Arches as a unique branding strategy is innovative and sets the scene apart.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces a pivotal moment in the McDonald's story, showcasing the brothers' creativity and vision.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the origins of the McDonald's logo and architectural design, offering a unique take on a familiar topic. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dick and Mac McDonald are portrayed with pride and innovation, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it focuses more on showcasing the McDonald brothers' creativity.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to understand the creative process and innovative thinking behind the design of the McDonald's restaurant. This reflects his desire for success and his admiration for unique ideas.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to explore the McDonald's restaurant design and potentially gain inspiration for his own business ventures. This goal reflects his immediate curiosity and interest in the architecture.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in this scene, focusing more on the positive aspects of the McDonald brothers' creation.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Ray Kroc facing internal conflicts related to his admiration for the McDonald brothers' creativity. The uncertainty of his future decisions adds a layer of opposition.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the positive aspects of the McDonald brothers' creation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key element of the McDonald's brand and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the revelation of the McDonald's logo formation and Ray Kroc's impulsive detour to Phoenix.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around traditional values versus innovative thinking. The McDonald brothers' approach to restaurant design challenges conventional norms, which contrasts with Ray Kroc's more traditional business mindset.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of wonder and pride in the McDonald brothers' achievement.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and showcases the McDonald brothers' pride in their creation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its visual descriptions and character interactions. The exploration of the McDonald's restaurant design adds depth to the narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and curiosity as Ray Kroc explores the McDonald's restaurant design. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively introduces the setting, characters, and conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The scene could use more visual description to help the reader picture the setting and the characters.
  • The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers is not fully resolved in this scene. It would be more satisfying if there was a clear resolution or at least some progress towards it.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly. It would be more effective if there was a stronger sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Cut out the unnecessary dialogue and focus on the most important moments.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Add more visual description to the scene to help the reader picture the setting and the characters.
  • Develop the conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers more fully and give it a clear resolution or at least some progress towards it.
  • Give the scene a stronger sense of closure by adding a final line or two that wraps up the action.



Scene 14 -  Unrealized Dreams: A Tale of Ambition and Resentment
EXT. KROC’S HOUSE (DES PLAINES, IL) - DAY

A modest home in the Chicago suburbs. Kroc pulls up in his
car.
31.


INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ETHEL (53) is at the table, eating dinner by herself.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
Ethel!

Kroc comes bursting in, burning with excitement.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I’ve seen the future!

Ethel’s face falls.

ETHEL KROC
Again?

RAY KROC
I saw a restaurant, Ethel. It’s
like nothing you’ve ever seen.
They’ve got this system, the
Speedee System...

ETHEL KROC
Ray...

RAY KROC
Just hear me out.

ETHEL KROC
I’m too old for this.

RAY KROC
This place, it’s like something
sprung from the mind of Henry--

ETHEL KROC
I can’t do it. Not again.

RAY KROC
Don’t you want to be a part of
greatness?

ETHEL KROC
I want to be part of a cruise.
(BEAT)
All our friends are taking trips,
enjoying their golden years. And
us, we’re still scrapping and
scraping like a couple of 25-year-
olds. When do we get to start
living, Ray? When do we finally get
to start enjoying our lives?
32.


RAY KROC
Ethel, this place--

ETHEL KROC
It’s revolutionary.

RAY KROC
(bristles at her sarcasm)
As a matter of fact...

ETHEL KROC
It’s never going to get any better,
Ray. We’re never going to have
anything more than we have right
now. And that’s okay.
(BEAT)
What’s not okay is us wasting our
lives reaching for some brass ring
we’re never going to grab.

RAY KROC
(flash of anger)
Maybe if I had a wife who had an
ounce of vision. Who gave me an
ounce of support.

ETHEL KROC
Support? Support?

This sets her off--

ETHEL KROC (CONT’D)
All I’ve done is support you! I’ve
had your back through thick and
thin, through one cockamamie idea
after another. The wax cups, the
Fold-A-Nook, the Multi-Mixer, on
and on, every last one. And you
have the nerve to say I don’t
support you?

RAY KROC
(backing off, chastened)
I’m sorry.

ETHEL KROC
I’ve believed in you, Ray. Our
whole marriage. Long past the point
any rational, thinking person
would’ve.

RAY KROC
You’re right.
33.


ETHEL KROC
I’ve sacrificed, I’ve saved. Made
do, gone without. My belt’s so
tight, I’m out of notches.

RAY KROC
You’re right.

ETHEL KROC
“Support”?
(BEAT)
How dare you?

Kroc just stands there in shamed little-boy silence.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray Kroc, an enthusiastic businessman, returns home eager to share a new restaurant concept with his wife Ethel. However, Ethel, who is tired and longing for a stable retirement, is uninterested. The couple argues, with Ethel expressing her frustration about always supporting Ray's ideas and never having a chance to enjoy their lives. The scene ends with Ethel's outburst and Ray standing in silence, ashamed.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Repetitive arguments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged and reveals deep-seated issues within the characters' relationship, providing a significant turning point in the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of conflicting desires between pursuing ambition and seeking contentment is effectively portrayed through the interaction between Ray and Ethel.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the tension between Ray and Ethel reaches a breaking point, setting the stage for potential changes in their dynamic.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the familiar theme of ambition versus stability in a marriage. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ray and Ethel are well-developed and their conflicting motivations are clearly depicted, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ray and Ethel undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, leading to potential shifts in their characters moving forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince his wife to support his new business venture and share his vision for success. This reflects his deeper need for validation, recognition, and a sense of accomplishment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to persuade his wife to join him in his new business venture and invest in his idea. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support and overcoming resistance from a loved one.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray and Ethel escalates to a high level, showcasing the deep-seated issues in their relationship.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from his wife and struggling to overcome her doubts and fears.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in terms of the characters' emotional well-being and the future of their relationship, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important insights into the characters' motivations and sets the stage for potential developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and revelations from the characters, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's belief in pursuing greatness and innovation versus his wife's desire for stability and contentment. This challenges the protagonist's values of ambition and success against his wife's values of comfort and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to the characters' struggles and the breakdown of their relationship.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and reveals the underlying emotions and frustrations of the characters, driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the high stakes involved in the protagonist's business venture.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' inner conflicts and external challenges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional depth and intensity of the characters' interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and character interactions, following the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ray and Ethel is written in a way that is very expository and on the nose. It feels like the characters are simply stating their positions and arguments without much subtext or nuance.
  • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more impactful.
  • The conflict between Ray and Ethel is not fully resolved and it is unclear how they move forward from this conversation.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtextual and nuanced. Give the characters more depth and complexity.
  • Cut down the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action. Focus on the most important moments and beats.
  • Give the conflict between Ray and Ethel a clear resolution. Show how they come to an understanding or agreement, or how their relationship changes as a result of this conversation.



Scene 15 -  Kroc's Determined Pursuit to Convince the McDonald Brothers
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc steps to the ticket window.

RAY KROC
One ticket, please.

The marquees reads MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION.


INT. MOVIE THEATER - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc sits in the theater, the light of the screen flickering
off his face. In his hand is his flask. He takes a discrete
swig.


INT. PRINCE CASTLE SALES - KROC’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

June Martino watches Kroc pace, ringing phone to his ear.

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
McDonald’s Hamburgers.

RAY KROC
Dick McDonald, please.

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
He’s not available at the moment.

RAY KROC
Mac, then.

The employee puts the phone down, goes off to check. Through
it, Kroc hears what sounds like a BIG CROWD.
34.


EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
I’m sorry, he’ll have to call you
back. We’re real busy right now.

Kroc glances at his watch, puzzled by the commotion.

RAY KROC
What time is it there?

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
10 o’clock.

RAY KROC
(thrown)
What time do you open?

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
11.

ON KROC-- amazed. They don’t even open for another hour.


INT. JOHNSON’S DRIVE-IN - KITCHEN - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc out on a drive-in sales call, giving his standard spiel.

RAY KROC
(flat, distracted)
Mr. Johnson, are you familiar with
the notion of the chicken and the
egg? I mention it because I think
it’s applicable here.


EXT. JOHNSON’S DRIVE-IN - PARKING LOT - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc hauls the sample Multimixer back to his car, shoves it
in the trunk. He takes a swig from his flask, staring off.


INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc steps to the TWA ticket counter.

RAY KROC
One ticket to Los Angeles.


INT. MCDONALD’S - KITCHEN - EVENING

The dinner rush. Mac and Dick hustle about making sure things
run as smoothly as possible.

ON DICK-- reloading the Lazy Susan with bun tops.
35.


RAY KROC (O.S.)
Do it for your country.

DICK MCDONALD
(turns, surprised)
Ray.

MAC MCDONALD (O.S.)
What are you doing here?

Mac is there, too.

RAY KROC
If you boys don’t want to franchise
for yourselves, fine. But do it for
your country. For America.
(BEAT)
This place you’ve created, it’s not
a restaurant. It’s not even a
place. It’s an idea.

ON DICK-- absorbing.

DICK MCDONALD
(to nearby employee)
Tommy, finish the buns.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, a salesperson for Prince Castle Sales, becomes determined to convince the McDonald brothers to franchise their successful restaurant. The scene takes place in various locations including a movie theater, a drive-in kitchen, Midway Airport, and the McDonald's kitchen during the dinner rush. Kroc faces conflicts as the brothers are hesitant and too busy to talk to him on the phone. Despite these setbacks, Kroc finally shows up at their restaurant and tries to persuade them to franchise for their country, ending the scene with a sense of anticipation for their response.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of central themes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character change
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and themes of the story, providing insight into the characters' motivations and the potential direction of the plot. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of franchising the McDonald's restaurant is central to the scene, exploring the innovative idea that Kroc sees in the business model created by the McDonald brothers. The importance of this concept is crucial for the development of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Kroc grapples with the idea of franchising and tries to convince the McDonald brothers to expand their business. The scene sets up the central conflict and establishes the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges of entrepreneurship and business expansion, with authentic character interactions and conflicts that feel true to the time period and setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their conflicting perspectives and motivations. Their interactions drive the narrative forward and reveal key aspects of their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for transformation as Kroc grapples with the idea of franchising. The internal conflicts of the characters hint at future development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to convince the McDonald brothers to franchise their restaurant idea for the greater good of America. This reflects his desire for success, recognition, and the fulfillment of his entrepreneurial ambitions.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to secure a ticket to Los Angeles and to make progress in his business ventures, specifically with the McDonald's franchise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers is subtly portrayed in the scene, setting up the central tension that will drive the story forward. The clash of ideals and motivations adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the McDonald brothers presenting a significant challenge to Ray Kroc's plans and ambitions, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Kroc considers the potential of franchising the McDonald's concept and tries to convince the McDonald brothers to expand their business. The outcome of this decision will have a significant impact on all involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict and themes of the narrative. It sets up the potential direction of the plot and hints at the challenges and obstacles the characters will face.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's interactions with the McDonald brothers and the challenges he faces in his business dealings.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Ray Kroc's capitalist mindset and the McDonald brothers' more traditional approach to their business. Kroc sees the potential for expansion and growth, while the brothers are hesitant to change their successful formula.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of hope and optimism as Kroc contemplates the potential of franchising the McDonald's concept. The characters' internal struggles and motivations add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and thought-provoking, capturing the essence of the characters' internal struggles and motivations. It effectively conveys the central themes of the story and drives the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the high stakes of the protagonist's goals, and the sense of urgency and tension created by the writer's voice.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of momentum and tension, moving between different locations and character interactions at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, moving between different locations and character interactions to advance the plot and develop the protagonist's goals.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's not clear what Kroc's goal is or what he hopes to achieve by visiting the McDonald brothers at night.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks depth. Kroc keeps repeating his sales pitch about franchising, but the brothers are not interested. The conversation lacks substance and fails to move the plot forward.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and monotonous. There is no sense of urgency or conflict, making it difficult for the reader to stay engaged.
  • The characterization is weak. Kroc comes across as desperate and annoying, while the brothers are portrayed as one-dimensional and uninterested. The reader does not get a sense of their motivations or personalities.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or closure. The reader is left hanging, wondering what happens next and whether Kroc will be able to convince the brothers to franchise.
Suggestions
  • Give Kroc a clear goal for visiting the brothers. Perhaps he has a new idea or proposal that he wants to discuss with them.
  • Develop the dialogue by giving the brothers more depth and motivations. Let them express their concerns and objections to franchising, and have Kroc respond to them in a way that addresses their concerns.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene by adding some conflict or tension. Perhaps Kroc accidentally spills something in the kitchen, or the brothers start arguing with each other. This will create a sense of urgency and make the scene more engaging.
  • Strengthen the characterization by giving Kroc and the brothers more distinctive personalities. Let the reader see their strengths and weaknesses, and understand their motivations for their actions.
  • Give the scene a proper ending by having Kroc either convince the brothers to franchise or by having them reject his proposal. This will provide closure and leave the reader with a sense of satisfaction.



Scene 16 -  Ray Kroc's Vision for McDonald's: A New American Church
INT. BACK OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc stands before the brothers.

RAY KROC
That drive back home on 66, I
passed through a lot of towns. A
lot of small towns. In the middle
of each one of them was a Main
Street. And on each of those Main
Streets were always the same two
things: a courthouse and a church.
A courthouse topped with a flag. A
church topped with a cross. Flags
and crosses, crosses and flags.

The brothers look at each other, unsure where this is going.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
As I drove along, I pondered those
crosses and flags. I asked myself
why they’re so ubiquitous. What
they mean. And as I did, I couldn’t
help but think about your
restaurant. About these--
36.


He goes over to the blueprint, plants a finger on the arches.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Now, forgive me if this flirts with
blasphemy, but to my mind, these
arches share a great deal in common
with the Christian cross and the
American flag. A building topped
with a cross is a gathering place.
A place where decent, wholesome
folks can come together and be with
others who share their values. The
same can be said of a building
flanked by a pair of your arches.
Those arches mean more than simply
“delicious hamburgers inside”. They
signify family. Community. The ties
that bind. They represent goodness,
togetherness, a place for Americans
to gather and break bread.
McDonald’s can be that, too. The
new American church, feeding bodies
and feeding souls. And not just on
Sundays. Seven days a week.
(BEAT)
Crosses. Flags. Arches.

ON MAC-- blown away. He looks over at Dick, expecting a
similar reaction. He’s surprised to see a conflicted look on
his face.

MAC MCDONALD
(to Kroc)
Would you please give us a minute?
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In the back office of the McDonald's restaurant, Ray Kroc presents his vision for the restaurant as a new American church, a place for community and togetherness. He compares the McDonald's arches to crosses and flags, inspiring Mac to ask for a moment to talk with Dick in private. The scene ends with the conflict unresolved, as Mac and Dick discuss Ray's pitch in private.
Strengths
  • Strong thematic exploration
  • Compelling character development
  • Emotionally resonant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some may find the monologue overly symbolic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally resonant, thought-provoking, and sets up a pivotal moment in the story with strong thematic elements and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the McDonald's arches as a symbol of community and American values is innovative and ties into the larger themes of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ray Kroc presents his vision for the franchise and the potential impact on society, setting up a major turning point in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the symbolism of fast-food restaurants and their cultural significance, offering a unique take on the concept of community and values.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers are well-developed, with their conflicting perspectives adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc undergoes a transformation in this scene as he presents his vision for the franchise, showcasing his ambition and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to convince the McDonald brothers to see McDonald's as more than just a fast-food restaurant, but as a symbol of American values and community.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to persuade the McDonald brothers to agree to his vision for expanding McDonald's into a franchise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict within the McDonald brothers regarding Ray Kroc's proposal, the scene is more focused on thematic exploration and character development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Ray Kroc presents his ambitious vision for the franchise, potentially impacting the future of the McDonald brothers and the business.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key moment in the development of the McDonald's franchise and Ray Kroc's involvement.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected comparison between McDonald's arches and religious symbols, adding depth to the conversation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the McDonald brothers' traditional view of their restaurant and Ray Kroc's vision of McDonald's as a symbol of American values and community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of hope, inspiration, and reflection, particularly in Ray Kroc's impassioned speech about the arches and the potential of the franchise.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, especially in Ray Kroc's monologue about the arches and their symbolic significance, showcasing his passion and vision.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the philosophical discussion about the symbolism of McDonald's.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and allowing for the philosophical dialogue to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow the dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a drama screenplay, with clear character motivations and conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue is too long and exposition-heavy. It feels like a lecture rather than a conversation.
  • The speech about the arches is too abstract and metaphorical. It's hard to follow and it doesn't really connect with the brothers on a personal level.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's more of a philosophical digression.
  • The ending of the scene is too abrupt. It's not clear what the brothers' reaction is to Kroc's speech.
  • The scene doesn't really fit with the rest of the movie. It's a lot more serious and contemplative than the rest of the film.
  • Kroc's explanation of the arches as symbols of the church and the American flag feels forced and contrived.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • Make the speech about the arches more concrete and specific.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. For example, you could have the brothers argue about whether or not to franchise.
  • Give the scene a more definitive ending. For example, you could have the brothers agree to franchise or you could have them reject Kroc's offer.
  • Consider changing the tone of the scene to make it more consistent with the rest of the movie.
  • Consider removing the scene altogether. It doesn't really add anything to the story.



Scene 17 -  Crafting a Franchise: From Contract to Construction
INT. BACK OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

The brothers, alone in the office.

DICK MCDONALD
(tempted, torn)
I don’t know...

MAC MCDONALD
It’s your dream, Dick.
(eye contact)
Bigger than your dream. Arches--
your arches--coast to coast.

Dick’s eyes go to the U.S. map. A whole country, just waiting
to be filled in with push pins.
37.


DICK MCDONALD
I can’t put you through that again.

ON MAC-- looking at Dick gazing longingly at the map.

MAC MCDONALD
I know how bad you want this. You
should have it.

DICK MCDONALD
Last time, you very nearly wound
up——

MAC MCDONALD
We’ll do it different this time.
Learn from our mistakes.

DICK MCDONALD
How so?

MAC MCDONALD
We keep a much tighter leash. Total
oversight, every change has to go
through us.

DICK MCDONALD
Who says he’s gonna listen?

MAC MCDONALD
We draw up a contract. Lay it out,
clear as day in black and white.

ON DICK-- pondering. Seemingly warming to the idea.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Whaddaya say?


INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Ray Kroc sits across a table from the brothers and their
LAWYER. Kroc is skimming through a BIG FAT CONTRACT. Full of
clauses and sections and paragraphs.

ANGLE ON contract. Amidst a wall of legalese:

...ANY AND ALL MODIFICATIONS TO THE SPEEDEE SYSTEM OR ANY
MCDONALD FRANCHISE, EITHER PHYSICAL OR CONCEPTUAL, MUST BE
FORMALLY SUBMITTED IN WRITING FOR APPROVAL BY BOTH RICHARD
MCDONALD AND MAURICE MCDONALD...

RAY KROC (O.S.)
Fine.
38.


Kroc has a rushed air about him, eager to get to the dotted
line. He continues skimming. A glimpse of another page:

...KROC SHALL RECEIVE ONE AND NINE-TENTHS PERCENT (1.9%) OF
NET PROFITS GENERATED BY FRANCHISEE(S), WITH ONE-HALF OF ONE
PERCENT (0.5%) OF SAID NET PROFITS PAID TO RICHARD MCDONALD
AND MAURICE MCDONALD...

RAY KROC (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Fine.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Three copies of the contract are laid out before Kroc, open
to the last page. The brothers’ lawyer slides him a fountain
pen. He readily signs in triplicate.

RAY KROC (PRE-LAP)
We are a dynamic, fast-growing
company.


INT. MIDWAY SAVINGS & LOAN - DAY (ONE MONTH LATER)

Kroc, dressed in his best suit and tie, sits across from a
LOAN OFFICER.

RAY KROC
And now, we’re poised to make major
inroads nationally.

The loan officer looks at a set of BLUEPRINTS on his desk
titled MCDONALD’S #6 - DES PLAINES, ILL.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
In addition to giving us a foothold
in the Midwest, the Des Plaines
location will serve as a lure for
prospective franchisees.

The loan officer looks over the blueprint. Something catches
his eye.

LOAN OFFICER
What are those?

Kroc follows his gaze to the arches. He smiles proudly.

RAY KROC
Oh, that’s just my little way of
separating us from the pack. “The
Golden Arches”, I call ‘em.
39.


The loan officer picks up a bound prospectus prepared by
Kroc. Artist renderings, projected earnings, etc.

ON KROC-- anxiously watching as he leafs through it.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
(filling the air)
There’s nothing like it in the
entire food-service sector.

The loan officer looks up from the materials.

LOAN OFFICER
You look familiar. Have we met?

RAY KROC
(a drop uneasy)
I don’t believe so.

ON LOAN OFFICER, staring, determined to place the face. He
snaps his fingers--

LOAN OFFICER
The Fold-A-Nook!
(hint of smirk)
“It’s Like A Murphy Bed... For Your
Kitchen!”
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Dick and Mac McDonald, along with their lawyer, discuss expanding their restaurant business nationwide with Ray Kroc. They draft a detailed contract for the expansion, and a month later, Kroc meets with a loan officer to secure funding for the first franchise in Des Plaines, Illinois, featuring the iconic 'Golden Arches' design. Despite initial hesitation from the loan officer, Kroc successfully convinces them to fund the project, marking a significant step in the growth of the McDonald's brand.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Pivotal decision-making moment
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of Ray Kroc's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and crucial to the overall plot development. It effectively conveys the tension, hope, and determination of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of franchising the McDonald's restaurant and introducing the 'Golden Arches' as a branding strategy is innovative and sets the stage for the future success of the business.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the McDonald brothers make a crucial decision that will shape the future of their business. The introduction of franchising adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the early stages of the McDonald's franchise development, focusing on the personal and professional challenges faced by the protagonists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Dick and Mac McDonald are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their conflicting emotions and aspirations. Ray Kroc's eagerness and determination are also highlighted.

Character Changes: 7

Dick McDonald undergoes a significant internal change as he considers the possibility of franchising and learns from past mistakes. This decision marks a turning point for the character.

Internal Goal: 8

Dick's internal goal is to reconcile his personal desires with his concerns for his brother's well-being. He wants to pursue his dream of expanding the business but is hesitant due to past experiences.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a partnership with Ray Kroc and expand the McDonald's franchise nationally. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of negotiating a contract and securing financial support for growth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Dick McDonald about franchising and the negotiation process with Ray Kroc create a compelling level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between the characters. The uncertainty of the negotiation outcome adds tension and suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the McDonald brothers make a risky decision to franchise their successful restaurant, potentially changing the course of their business and lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the concept of franchising, setting the stage for the expansion of the McDonald's business and the development of the 'Golden Arches' branding.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the unexpected decisions made during the negotiation, and the unresolved tensions that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the balance between ambition and caution, risk-taking and stability. Dick is torn between pursuing his dream and protecting his brother from potential harm.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of hope, nostalgia, and determination, especially in the pivotal moment of decision-making regarding the future of the business.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the internal struggles and ambitions of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and negotiation process.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and strategic decision-making involved. The dialogue and character dynamics draw the audience into the negotiation process.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and strategic decision-making. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The visual elements are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a negotiation and business development sequence, with clear progression and conflict resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between the brothers is a bit repetitive, with both of them expressing similar sentiments about the potential risks and rewards of partnering with Kroc.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding some details about the office where the conversation is taking place, such as the decor or the view from the window.
  • The scene could benefit from some more tension or conflict between the brothers and Kroc. For example, the brothers could be more hesitant to sign the contract, or Kroc could be more aggressive in his sales pitch.
  • The scene could be more concise by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue and focusing on the key moments of the conversation.
  • The scene could be more impactful by adding a stronger emotional element. For example, the brothers could be more emotional about the prospect of giving up control of their business, or Kroc could be more passionate about his vision for the future of McDonald's.
Suggestions
  • Add some more details about the office where the conversation is taking place, such as the decor or the view from the window.
  • Add some more tension or conflict between the brothers and Kroc. For example, the brothers could be more hesitant to sign the contract, or Kroc could be more aggressive in his sales pitch.
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue and focus on the key moments of the conversation.
  • Add a stronger emotional element. For example, the brothers could be more emotional about the prospect of giving up control of their business, or Kroc could be more passionate about his vision for the future of McDonald's.



Scene 18 -  Kroc's Loan Hunt and Frustrations with Architectural Delays
EXT. MIDWAY SAVINGS & LOAN - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc exits the bank in defeat.


INT. ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL - LATER

Kroc sits across from another LOAN OFFICER, watching as he
looks over the prospectus.

RAY KROC
There’s nothing like it in the
entire food-service sector.

The officer looks up at Kroc.

LOAN OFFICER #2
Have we met?

The man searches his face. Kroc squirms.

LOAN OFFICER #2 (CONT’D)
The paper-cup guy.

ON KROC-- silent a long beat.
40.


RAY KROC
(embarrassed, broken)
Among many other things.

The loan officer stares at Kroc, taking in his vulnerable,
Willy Loman-esque visage. A wave of compassion/pity comes
over him.

LOAN OFFICER #2
I tell you what. Let me refer you
to one of my colleagues. Somebody
who may be better suited to meet
your needs.


A FEW DESKS DOWN - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc sits before a different LOAN OFFICER. The man is filling
out an APPLICATION FORM for Kroc.

LOAN OFFICER
Address?

RAY KROC
143 Juniper Road, Arlington
Heights, Illinois.

ANGLE ON the form as the man fills in Kroc’s address. It’s a
HOME-MORTGAGE LOAN APPLICATION. A desk plaque tells us this
is HARVEY PELTZ - HOME MORTGAGE REPRESENTATIVE.

HARVEY PELTZ
Home telephone number?

RAY KROC
Let me give you my office number.

Kroc glances at his WEDDING RING.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
That’s the best place to reach me.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

ANGLE ON blueprints for the Des Plaines McDonald’s covering
Kroc’s walls.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
Did you schedule the stakeout with
the engineer?

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
All set.
41.


ON KROC-- at his desk, plowing through a lengthy to-do list
as June takes notes.

RAY KROC
Where are we at on fire department
approval for driveway design?

JUNE MARTINO
Left a message yesterday.

RAY KROC
Call again. Excavation permit?

JUNE MARTINO
Meeting with them today.

RAY KROC
Insurers?

JUNE MARTINO
I left a message yesterday.

RAY KROC
Call again. What about the zoning
office?

JUNE MARTINO
All set. On file with the city.

RAY KROC
San Bernardino?

JUNE MARTINO
I just spoke to Dick. He says
they’re working on it.

RAY KROC
Working on it?

He lets out a heaving, irritated sigh.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
It’s been a week.


INT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

Dick is at his desk. An EMPLOYEE sticks his head in.

EMPLOYEE
Ray Kroc, line one.

DICK MCDONALD
Hiya, Ray.
42.


RAY KROC (O.S.)
You boys are killing me.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

(Intercut as necessary.)

RAY KROC
What’s the hold up? I break ground
in two weeks.

DICK MCDONALD
These things take time. You’re
proposing substantial alterations.

RAY KROC
I’m adding a basement and furnace.

DICK MCDONALD
We need our architect to thoroughly
review it to make sure everything’s
safe and up to code.

RAY KROC
Has he looked at it yet?

DICK MCDONALD
I’m not sure, to be honest.

RAY KROC
I can’t afford to let this drag.

DICK MCDONALD
Ray, you need to take a breath. It
hasn’t even been a week.

RAY KROC
I’ve got bulldozers rolling up on
the 23rd.

DICK MCDONALD
I’m not the one who scheduled that.

RAY KROC
Do you have any idea what it’d cost
me to push?

DICK MCDONALD
Hopefully, it won’t come to that.
43.


RAY KROC
Every restaurant in the Midwest has
a basement and a furnace. This is
standard stuff.

DICK MCDONALD
I understand. But you have to
understand, it’s our name on that
building. God forbid the floor
caves in and people get hurt or
worse because of some design flaw
we missed, we’re the ones on the
hook. So let’s just slow down a
minute and make sure it’s done the
right way. Alright?

ON KROC-- pondering Dick’s words of reason.

RAY KROC
So much for the Speedee System!

He hangs up.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Mac is in the office with Dick.

MAC MCDONALD
Then what did he say?

DICK MCDONALD
He slammed down the phone.

MAC MCDONALD
He hung up on you?

DICK MCDONALD
Unless we got violently
disconnected.

Dick looks off, feeling the first pangs of buyer’s remorse.

MAC MCDONALD
It’ll be fine.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray Kroc, eager to secure a loan for the Des Plaines McDonald's construction, faces rejection at Midway Savings & Loan but finds hope at Illinois First Federal. Meanwhile, back at his office, Kroc grows increasingly frustrated with the slow progress of architectural approval from Dick McDonald's end. In San Bernardino, Dick and Mac discuss Kroc's reaction to the delay, ultimately ending with Kroc hanging up on Dick in frustration.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of vulnerability and frustration
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Realistic depiction of business challenges
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the frustration and vulnerability of Ray Kroc while also showcasing the compassionate side of the loan officer. It sets up the challenges Kroc faces in expanding his business and the importance of ensuring safety and quality in construction.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of struggling to secure a loan for a business expansion is well-executed, highlighting the challenges and risks involved in entrepreneurship. The attention to detail in the construction process adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the specific challenge of securing a loan for the McDonald's franchise, adding tension and obstacles for the protagonist. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of business expansion and the clash of values between different characters. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the narrative forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and the loan officers, are well-developed and showcase different sides of their personalities. Kroc's vulnerability and the loan officer's compassion add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential changes in Ray Kroc's approach to business and his relationship with the McDonald brothers. The scene hints at future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to secure a loan for his business venture. This reflects his desire for success and validation in the business world.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to get approval for the construction of a new McDonald's restaurant. This reflects his immediate challenge of navigating regulations and approvals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Ray Kroc's urgency to start construction and the need for thorough review by the McDonald brothers adds tension to the scene. It sets up a potential conflict between Kroc and the brothers in future developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and obstacles that challenge Kroc's goals and decisions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high in this scene as Ray Kroc faces the risk of delays in construction and potential financial losses. The scene sets up the importance of securing the loan for the success of the franchise expansion.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges and obstacles in expanding the McDonald's franchise. It sets up future developments and conflicts in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the outcome of Kroc's negotiations, but the tension and conflict keep the audience invested.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ray Kroc's desire for speed and efficiency in business operations and the McDonald brothers' emphasis on safety and quality. This challenges Kroc's values of rapid expansion and profit.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of frustration, vulnerability, and compassion, especially in the interactions between Kroc and the loan officers. It sets up a sense of empathy for the challenges faced by the protagonist.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the frustration, vulnerability, and compassion of the characters. It moves the scene forward and adds to the overall tone and atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflict between characters, and the sense of urgency in Kroc's business dealings.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and moves the story forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to follow the dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-heavy sequence in a screenplay, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Kroc and the loan officer is a bit stilted and unnatural. It would be more effective if it were more conversational and less formal.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. It's not clear what Kroc is trying to achieve by meeting with the loan officer.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is not particularly visually interesting, and it could be improved by adding more movement or action.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more conversational and less formal.
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • Add more movement or action to the scene to make it more visually interesting.
  • Consider adding some humor to the scene to make it more engaging.



Scene 19 -  Tension Over Coca-Cola Sponsorship
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - ANOTHER DAY

ANGLE ON a sign: COMING SOON - MCDONALD’S FAMOUS HAMBURGERS!

A hard-hatted Kroc stands in a dirt lot, watching SURVEYORS
outline a building foundation. He heads over to one of the
surveyors, pointing to some detail--
44.


RAY KROC
Can we bring that out another foot?

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
Sir?

June comes over to Kroc with a letter. He looks at it, sees
the San Bernardino return address.

RAY KROC
Read it.

She opens the letter, reads aloud--

JUNE MARTINO
“Dear Ray, Thank you for your
letter sharing your idea to strike
a deal with Coca-Cola to sponsor
menu boards at the new Des Plaines
location. An intriguing notion,
indeed. As you rightly point out,
such an arrangement would provide a
steady source of revenue to the
store at no additional labor cost.

ON KROC-- pleased with the letter so far.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
“However...


INT. PAY PHONE - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc is on a pay phone across the street from the
construction site.

RAY KROC
Small, along the bottom. Very
discrete.


INT. MCDONALD’S - SAN BERNARDINO - CONTINUOUS

On the other end is Mac in the kitchen, his brother nearby.
(Intercut as necessary.)

DICK MCDONALD
I’m sorry, Ray, but we’re just not
comfortable with the notion of
turning our menu into an
advertisement.

RAY KROC
Not an ad. Sponsorship.
45.


DICK MCDONALD
It’s distasteful.

RAY KROC
It’s free money.

DICK MCDONALD
There are plenty of things we could
do to make a quick buck, but that
doesn’t mean we should.

RAY KROC
Loads of restaurants do it.

DICK MCDONALD
Well, we don’t.

RAY KROC
Why not?

DICK MCDONALD
Because I have no interest in
indulging in that sort of crass
commercialism. It’s not McDonald’s.

RAY KROC
I didn’t realize I was partnering
up with a beatnik.

DICK MCDONALD
I happen to be a card-carrying
Republican.

RAY KROC
You coulda fooled me!

He slams down the phone. Again.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Mac and Dick, post-call.

MAC MCDONALD
He’s just a little... excitable.

DICK MCDONALD
A hothead like that, you don’t know
what he’s capable of.

MAC MCDONALD
It’s all bluster, Dick. His bark is
worse than his bite.
46.


DICK MCDONALD
(dark chuckle)
That’s what Neville Chamberlain
said.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, while at a construction site for a new McDonald's, receives a letter from the McDonald brothers expressing their disapproval of his idea to have Coca-Cola sponsor menu boards. This leads to a tense phone conversation between Ray and Dick McDonald, with Ray becoming increasingly frustrated and Dick expressing concern about Ray's temper. The scene also shows surveyors and June Martino, with intercuts to the McDonald's kitchen in San Bernardino. The main conflict lies in the disagreement over the sponsorship idea, with the brothers firmly against it.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Well-developed characters
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and pivotal in showcasing the clash of ideologies between the characters, driving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sponsorship and commercialism versus integrity and brand identity is central to the scene, setting up a key conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the disagreement over sponsorship introduces a major obstacle in the partnership between Kroc and the McDonald brothers.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the conflict between commercialism and brand integrity in the context of a historical business negotiation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their respective motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their contrasting personalities and values create a compelling dynamic in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' beliefs and values are challenged, setting the stage for potential growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal is to secure a sponsorship deal with Coca-Cola to generate revenue for the new McDonald's location. This reflects his desire for financial success and innovation.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to convince the McDonald brothers to accept the sponsorship deal. This reflects the immediate challenge of aligning their values with his business strategy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the McDonald brothers' resistance to Kroc's proposal creating a compelling obstacle for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the potential impact of the sponsorship decision on the partnership and the future of McDonald's.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict that will shape the future of the characters and their business.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected clash of values between the characters and the uncertain outcome of the negotiation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Kroc's commercialism and the McDonald brothers' commitment to their brand integrity. This challenges Kroc's belief in maximizing profits and the brothers' belief in maintaining their brand identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is high due to the heated argument and the stakes involved in the disagreement.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the core beliefs of the characters, driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes negotiation, sharp dialogue, and conflicting values that drive the tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum through the negotiation and dialogue exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven negotiation scene in a historical drama genre.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ray Kroc and June Martino is unclear. It is not clear what June is reading to Ray or why Ray is pleased with the letter.
  • The transition to the phone call between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald is abrupt. It is not clear why Ray is calling Dick or what they are discussing.
  • The dialogue between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald is repetitive. They both make the same points over and over again without really listening to each other.
  • The scene ends abruptly. It is not clear what happens after Ray slams down the phone.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict. Ray and Dick disagree about whether or not to sponsor menu boards, but this conflict is not resolved by the end of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the dialogue between Ray Kroc and June Martino by having June summarize the letter she is reading for him.
  • Add a line of dialogue to the beginning of the phone call between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald to explain why Ray is calling.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald to make it more dynamic and engaging. Have them make different points and actually listen to each other's arguments.
  • Add a line of dialogue at the end of the scene to explain what happens after Ray slams down the phone.
  • Add a clear conflict to the scene. For example, have Ray and Dick disagree about something more fundamental, such as the future of the McDonald's franchise.



Scene 20 -  Ray Kroc's Inspection and Investor Hunt: A Day at McDonald's and the Country Club
INT. MCDONALD’S (DES PLAINES) - DAY (MONTHS LATER)

The brand-new Des Plaines McDonald’s, up and running.

TRACKING SHOT, high-energy, as Kroc moves through the KITCHEN
barking out orders to his charges. It’s a bit militaristic in
vibe, echoing Dick’s Hitler reference:

“Watch those fries!”... “Straighten that hat!”... “Buns to
the left, pickles to the right!”... “Let’s go, boys!”

He passes an EMPLOYEE, catching him in a moment of repose--

RAY KROC
Grab a mop! If there’s time to
lean, there’s time to clean!

Tracking shot ends at the GRILL, manned by a trio of GRILLERS
overseeing dozens of patties. Kroc moves down the line:

GRILLER #1, flipping a patty--

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
More wrist!

Kroc grabs the spatula, demonstrates proper form. He moves
onto GRILLER #2, who’s lifting a patty off the grill--

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
It’s still pink!

Kroc puts the patty back onto the grill. He moves on to
GRILLER #3--

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
What the heck are you--

Kroc trails off, realizing Griller #3 is doing NOTHING WRONG.

His patties are perfect, arranged in rows so precise they
could have been lined up with a ruler.

ON KROC-- taking in the eager young buck, who looks maybe 21.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
What’s your name?
47.


GRILLER #3
Fred Turner, sir.

RAY KROC
Fred Turner...
(small, approving nod)
Keep it up.

FRED TURNER
Yes, sir.

Kroc walks off. Turner is thrilled by the approval.


EXT. MCDONALD’S - NIGHT (AFTER HOURS)

Under the glow of the arches, Kroc scours the parking lot,
fanatically cleaning. Picking up discarded cups, scraping gum
off the underside of benches.


INT. KROC’S HOUSE - LATER

Ethel is asleep in bed. Kroc enters, home from another long
day of work. He starts getting undressed.

As he unbuttons his shirt, he hears a sound. A tiny sniffle.
Ethel is awake, crying softly.

He goes over, sits on the bed next to her.

RAY KROC
I’m sorry.

ON KROC-- taking in her sad, lonely face.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I know I’ve neglected you.

He looks her in the eye.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Tomorrow night. Let’s have supper
at the club.

ETHEL KROC
(surprised, heartened)
Really?

RAY KROC
It’s been far too long.

He hands her a tissue. She blows her nose.
48.


INT. ROLLING GREEN COUNTRY CLUB - DINING ROOM - NEXT NIGHT

The dining room of a not especially upscale country club.
Kroc leads Ethel to a big round table. At it are fellow CLUB
MEMBERS, who warmly greet them.

JERRY CULLEN
By George, I think I’ve seen a
ghost!


SHORT TIME LATER--

The middle of the meal. Ray kibitzes with the men, Ethel
engaged in a cross-conversation with the wives.

ON ETHEL AND THE WOMEN--

CLUB WIFE #1
I hear Acapulco is divine.

CLUB WIFE #2
Mildred Ballard was just there. She
adored it.

Ethel nods along, not wanting to stick out.

CLUB WIFE #2 (CONT’D)
Where do you like, Ethel?

ETHEL KROC
Me?
(BEAT, scrambling)
Spain.

CLUB WIFE #3
Wonderful! How was it?

ETHEL KROC
(backtracks)
I mean, we’re thinking about it.
Planning to, in the fall.

Nods and smiles from the other women. The conversation moves
on, bullet dodged.

BACK TO KROC AND THE MEN--

JERRY CULLEN
That’s the last time I try a sand
wedge in that bunker!

Hearty laughs from the others, loving the golf humor.
49.


JACK HORFORD
How’s your game, Ray?

RAY KROC
Lately? Non-existent.

The men laugh, missing the literalness of the statement.

JACK HORFORD
I’m no Ben Hogan myself.

ON KROC-- seeing an opening in the conversation.

RAY KROC
(cryptic smile)
But I did recently hit a hole-in-
one of a different sort.

The men glance at each other, intrigued.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Anyone interested in hearing about
an exciting investment opportunity?

Kroc sneaks a glance at Ethel. She’s staring at him,
crestfallen. So this is why we’re at the club.

JACK HORFORD (O.S.)
(chuckle)
Here we go again...

ON HORFORD-- smiling at Kroc, a bit condescendingly.

JACK HORFORD (CONT’D)
What is it this time, Ray?

ON ETHEL-- taking in the way Horford looks at her husband. It
irks her.

ETHEL KROC
Hear him out.

Ethel looks at Ray, looks back at Horford.

ETHEL KROC (CONT’D)
This is different.

ON KROC-- surprised and touched she has his back. He grabs
her hand under the table, looks her reassuringly in the eye.

Yes, it is. It is different this time.
50.


SERIES OF SHOTS:

--Jerry Cullen signing franchise papers as Kroc looks on.

--Kroc and Jack Horford, in hardhats, presiding as ground is
broken at a CONSTRUCTION SITE. Behind them is a sign with
McDonald’s mascot Speedee, who says, “HOWDY, SCHAUMBURG!
McDONALD’S IS ON THE WAY!”

--Kroc and Ethel having dinner again at Rolling Green CC,
Kroc working the menfolk, trolling for franchisees.

--Kroc playing a round of golf at the club, giving his golf
mates the sales spiel.

--Kroc looking on as one of the golf guys signs a contract.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc visits the Des Plaines McDonald's, where he inspects the kitchen, gives orders, and is impressed by an employee named Fred Turner. Later, Kroc takes Ethel to the Rolling Green Country Club for dinner, where he tries to find investors for McDonald's. Although there is a minor conflict when Ethel feels left out, it is quickly resolved when she supports Ray and encourages the club members to hear him out. The scene ends with Ray and Ethel finishing their dinner and Ray continuing his search for investors.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets the stage for significant changes in their lives. The dialogue is impactful, and the tone is consistent with the evolving dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of personal sacrifice for professional success is well portrayed in this scene. It delves into the complexities of balancing ambition with personal relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ray Kroc navigates the challenges of expanding the McDonald's franchise while also addressing his strained relationship with Ethel. The scene sets up important developments for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fast-food industry and the challenges faced by ambitious entrepreneurs. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Ethel, are well-developed and show depth in their emotions and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ray Kroc and Ethel undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, setting the stage for potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance his dedication to his work with his neglect of his personal relationships, particularly with his wife Ethel. He desires to reconnect with her and make amends for his past neglect.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to expand his business by recruiting franchisees and securing investments. He aims to grow the McDonald's brand and increase its presence in the market.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the tension between Ray Kroc's professional ambitions and his neglected relationship with Ethel.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's internal struggles and external challenges in expanding his business.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of personal relationships and professional success. The decisions made in this scene have the potential to impact the characters' lives significantly.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics and introducing new challenges and resolutions. It sets the tone for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the protagonist's actions and the overall narrative direction, but it introduces unexpected emotional moments that add depth to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's prioritization of work over personal relationships. It challenges the values of ambition and success against the importance of family and emotional connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in Ethel's vulnerability and Ray Kroc's realization of his shortcomings. The audience can empathize with the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. It effectively conveys the tension and resolution in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic pacing, emotional depth, and character interactions that draw the audience into the protagonist's internal struggles and external ambitions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between different settings and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or main event. It begins with Kroc inspecting the Des Plaines McDonald's kitchen, then abruptly transitions to him cleaning the parking lot, and finally ends with him at home with Ethel and then at the country club. These events feel disjointed and lack a cohesive narrative.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a formal and exposition-heavy manner, rather than using natural, conversational language. This makes the scene feel forced and unrealistic.
  • The scene is too long and lacks a clear purpose. It could be shortened and tightened to focus on a specific event or conflict.
  • The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot or character development. It feels like a filler scene that could be removed without losing anything significant.
  • The use of the military vibe in the kitchen is a bit overused and cliche. It doesn't add much to the scene and could be replaced with something more original.
  • The scene doesn't provide much insight into Ray Kroc's character. It's mostly just him barking orders and being generally unpleasant.
  • The scene doesn't provide much conflict or drama. It's mostly just Kroc going through the motions of his day.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. It's mostly just people talking in a kitchen and a parking lot. There's not much to look at or engage the viewer.
  • The scene doesn't do much to build suspense or create anticipation. It's mostly just a series of events that happen without any real build-up or resolution.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear ending. It just sort of trails off without any real resolution or closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a more engaging event or conflict, such as a disagreement between Kroc and his employees or a problem with the kitchen equipment.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. The characters should speak in a way that feels authentic to their personalities.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on a specific event or conflict. This will help to create a more cohesive and impactful scene.
  • Add more character development to the scene. This could be done through dialogue, action, or even just physical description.
  • Consider using a different location for the scene. The kitchen and parking lot are not particularly interesting or visually appealing settings.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene. This could be done through lighting, camera work, or set design.
  • Build suspense or create anticipation by foreshadowing an upcoming event or conflict. This will help to keep the viewer engaged and invested in the scene.
  • Give the scene a clear ending. This could be done through a resolution to the conflict, a character's decision, or even just a moment of reflection.
  • Consider adding a subplot to the scene. This will help to create a more complex and interesting story.
  • Consider using symbolism or metaphor to add depth to the scene. This will help to create a more memorable and meaningful scene.



Scene 21 -  Tense Confrontation at McDonald's
EXT. MCDONALD’S (SCHAUMBURG) - DAY

Kroc pulls into the parking lot of Jack Horford’s brand-new
Schaumburg McDonald’s. There’s a line out front, not
spectacular but solid.

He parks, heads toward the restaurant. He slows, noticing
something.

KROC’S POV: A patron in his car, biting into a hamburger.
Sticking out the sides of the burger is a PIECE OF LETTUCE.

ON KROC-- staring at the lettuce, disturbed by the sight.


EXT. ROLLING GREEN C.C. - GOLF COURSE - SHORT TIME LATER

Jack Horford, part of a foursome, is about to tee off.

GOLF BUDDY
Give it a whack, Jack.

Horford rears back to swing when, out the corner of his eye,
he sees--

KROC, storming onto the course, marching toward him.

As Kroc gets closer, Horford sees he’s holding something...
a HAMBURGER. Kroc gets right up in his face with it.

RAY KROC
What is this?

Horford stares at the burger.
51.


JACK HORFORD
It appears to be a hamburger.

RAY KROC
It’s not a McDonald’s hamburger.

He lifts off the bun, pointing out its myriad deficiencies--

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Too much ketchup. Three pickles not
two. Lettuce. Lettuce, Jack?

JACK HORFORD
Do you think we could discuss this
later? We’re in the middle of--

RAY KROC
And the patty.
(breaks it open)
Tragically overcooked.

JERRY CULLEN (O.S.)
I don’t know, Ray...

Fellow franchise owner Jerry Cullen (part of the foursome)
leans in, checking out the burger.

JERRY CULLEN (CONT’D)
Looks good to me.

RAY KROC
(glares at Cullen)
What the heck would you know about
quality?

ON CULLEN-- thrown.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I dropped in on your store today. I
must say, I was quite disturbed.

JERRY CULLEN
What by?

RAY KROC
For starters, the menu... Corn on
the cob?

JERRY CULLEN
What’s wrong with corn on the cob?

RAY KROC
Fried chicken?
52.


JERRY CULLEN
People love fried chicken.

RAY KROC
Then they can go to a restaurant
that serves it!

Cullen and Horford trade glances, bewildered.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
And the filth. The kitchen looked
like some sort of Manchurian slum.

JERRY CULLEN
(smirk)
With great chicken.

Everybody laughs. Kroc is not amused.

RAY KROC
(to both of them)
Are you aware of what goes on at
your restaurants? Do you even care?

JERRY CULLEN
Look, Ray, I don’t know about you,
but I’m retired.

JACK HORFORD
You said this’d be a good place to
park our money. It’s an investment,
nothing more.

JERRY CULLEN
If I wanted a job, I’da applied for
a cook position.

ON KROC-- silently stewing.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ray Kroc visits Jack Horford's new McDonald's and is disturbed by the quality of the hamburger he sees there. He confronts Horford and fellow franchise owner Jerry Cullen on the golf course, criticizing their menu items and kitchen conditions. Kroc becomes increasingly agitated as the franchise owners defend their choices and express their lack of interest in running their restaurants beyond an investment. The scene ends with Kroc silently stewing as the franchise owners laugh off his criticisms.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging conflict
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively showcases the conflict between Kroc and the franchise owners, setting up a key theme of quality control and attention to detail. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience invested in the tension between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of quality control and the clash between Kroc and the franchise owners is central to the scene, driving the narrative forward and highlighting the importance of maintaining standards in the fast-food industry.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Kroc confronts the franchise owners about the quality of their food and cleanliness of their restaurants, setting up a key conflict that will likely have repercussions in the future. The scene adds depth to the story by highlighting the challenges of expanding the McDonald's brand.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the conflict between standardization and individuality in the restaurant industry, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc, Jack Horford, and Jerry Cullen are well-defined in this scene, with Kroc's obsession with quality control contrasting with the more laid-back attitudes of the franchise owners. The interactions between the characters drive the conflict and reveal their personalities effectively.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up a potential shift in the dynamics between Kroc and the franchise owners as they navigate the challenges of expanding the McDonald's brand. The confrontation may lead to personal growth or conflict resolution in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain the quality and standards of McDonald's brand, reflecting his desire for perfection and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront the franchise owners about the quality of their restaurants and ensure they meet McDonald's standards.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Kroc and the franchise owners is intense and drives the scene forward, creating tension and setting up a key theme of quality control. The clash of personalities and approaches adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between the characters creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in this scene as Kroc confronts the franchise owners about the quality of their food and cleanliness of their restaurants, setting up a key conflict that could have significant repercussions for the future of the McDonald's brand. The outcome of this clash could impact the success of the franchise.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges of maintaining quality control and expanding the McDonald's brand. The conflict between Kroc and the franchise owners sets up future developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected confrontation and the uncertain outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between maintaining quality and standardization versus allowing individual creativity and customer preferences in the restaurant business.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from frustration to amusement, as the characters clash over the quality of the food and cleanliness of the restaurants. The confrontational tone and critical dialogue add depth to the interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, confrontational, and humorous, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward. The exchanges between Kroc and the franchise owners are engaging and reveal key aspects of their personalities.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to the intense confrontation and the high stakes involved in maintaining the brand's reputation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and escalating the conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural. It feels like the characters are reciting lines rather than having a real conversation.
  • The conflict between Kroc and the franchise owners is not very clear. It's not clear what Kroc wants from them, or why they're so resistant to his demands.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's not clear what happens to Kroc or the franchise owners after their argument.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. It could be shot in a more creative way, or it could use more props and sets.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. The characters should sound like real people, not like they're reading from a script.
  • Clarify the conflict between Kroc and the franchise owners. Make it clear what Kroc wants from them, and why they're so resistant to his demands.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action. The scene should be long enough to develop the conflict and the characters, but it shouldn't drag on.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Show what happens to Kroc and the franchise owners after their argument.
  • Use more creative camera work and editing to make the scene more visually interesting. Use props and sets to create a more immersive environment.



Scene 22 -  Cancelled Membership and Unsettling Observations
INT. KROC’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ethel is getting dressed, putting on jewelry and makeup. Ray
enters, home from work.

ETHEL KROC
Hurry up and get changed. Dinner’s
called for seven.

RAY KROC
We’re not going to the club
tonight.
53.


ETHEL KROC
You cancelled our dinner plans?

RAY KROC
I cancelled our membership.

ETHEL KROC
What?

RAY KROC
Those Rolling Green people aren’t
our kind.

ETHEL KROC
What are you talking about?

RAY KROC
I’ve lost interest in hobnobbing
with the idle rich.

ETHEL KROC
Idle rich?

RAY KROC
With their golf and their Rob Roys.

ETHEL KROC
Please tell me this is a joke.

RAY KROC
Contented. Complacent.

ETHEL KROC
Those are my friends, Ray. My
entire social life!

RAY KROC
We’ll find new friends.

Ethel throws herself onto the bed, bursting into tears.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Far more suitable.


EXT. MCDONALD’S (SCHAUMBURG) - DAY

Kroc sits in his car across the street from Jack Horford’s
McDonald’s, anonymously watching--

KROC’S POV: A crowd of ANNOYED CUSTOMERS waiting for their
food. A customer checks his watch.
54.


CUSTOMER
(to cashier)
How much longer?

Kroc watches the shabbily run operation, sickened. He takes a
swig from his flask.

The pre-lap sound of VOMITING carries over to--


INT. PRINCE CASTLE SALES - MEN’S ROOM - DAY

Kroc bent over the toilet, puking his guts out.


INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc exits the bathroom, walks toward the FRONT DESK carrying
the men’s room key.

SALESMAN (O.S.)
Just take a gander at this handsome
gold inlay.

Kroc comes to the desk, where he sees a BIBLE SALESMAN (23)
talking to June, briefcase full of samples popped open.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)
You’re telling me such spectacular
craftsmanship isn’t worth $8.95?

JUNE MARTINO
Thank you, I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
Not interested in a Bible sure to
be the pride of your home library?

ON KROC-- observing the young salesman.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)
As you no doubt know, June, envy is
one of the seven deadly sins. And
that’s just what your friends and
neighbors will be guilty of when
they see this leather-bound beauty
on your bookshelf.

JUNE MARTINO
Sir, this is a private place of
business. I’m afraid I’m going to
have to ask you to leave.
55.


BEAT. The salesman gathers up his things, heads out of the
office. June’s telephone rings.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
Prince Castle Sales.
(BEAT, listening)
Oh, hello, Mac.

Kroc hears the name. A knot instantly forms in his stomach.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
One moment, I’ll see if he’s in.

She covers the phone, turns to Kroc.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
It’s Mac... just wants to know how
it’s going.

ON KROC-- frozen, staring at the phone.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray cancels the country club membership, causing tension and tears between him and Ethel. He then goes to a McDonald's, gets sickened, and vomits in the bathroom. The scene concludes with Ray observing a young Bible salesman attempting to sell a Bible to June Martino.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in Ray Kroc's character arc

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the emotional exchange between Ray and Ethel, as well as Kroc's distress over the state of the McDonald's franchises. The emotional impact and character dynamics are compelling, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Ray Kroc's personal and professional struggles, as well as the contrast between his aspirations and the reality of the franchise operations, is well-developed in this scene. The decision to cancel the club membership symbolizes a turning point in Kroc's mindset.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ray Kroc faces internal and external conflicts, setting the stage for further developments in his relationship with Ethel and his business dealings with the McDonald brothers. The scene effectively sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of social class and materialism, focusing on the protagonist's rejection of his social circle and the impact on his personal relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ray Kroc and Ethel are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant. The scene delves into their complex relationship dynamics and adds depth to their individual motivations and struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ray Kroc and Ethel undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, as their relationship reaches a breaking point and Kroc's disillusionment with the McDonald's franchise deepens. The scene marks a turning point in their character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound independence and rejection of the wealthy social circle he used to belong to. This reflects his desire for authenticity and a sense of self-identity separate from his wife's social life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to distance himself from his wife's social circle and find new friends who align with his values and beliefs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray and Ethel, as well as Kroc's internal conflict over the state of the McDonald's franchises, creates a high level of tension and emotional stakes in the scene. The clash of desires and values drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of his decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident in the potential impact on Ray and Ethel's relationship, as well as Kroc's business decisions regarding the McDonald's franchise. The emotional and professional consequences raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts and developments in Ray Kroc's personal and professional life. It sets the stage for future events and resolutions, driving the narrative towards a critical juncture.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected rejection of social norms and the protagonist's decision to distance himself from his wife's social circle. The audience is left wondering about the consequences of this choice.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's rejection of materialism and social status, and his wife's attachment to her social life and friends. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authenticity and personal values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the raw and honest portrayal of Ray and Ethel's relationship struggles, as well as Kroc's disillusionment and frustration. The audience is likely to feel empathy and connection with the characters' emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil between Ray and Ethel, as well as Kroc's internal conflict regarding the McDonald's franchise operations. The conversations feel natural and reveal important aspects of the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters. The conflict and resolution keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to the protagonist's decision to distance himself from his wife's social circle. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflict between the characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Ethel getting dressed and Ray entering from work. The dialogue between them is somewhat stilted and unnatural, and it's not immediately clear why Ray is so upset.
  • The conflict between Ray and Ethel over their social life is underdeveloped and doesn't feel like a natural progression from the previous scene.
  • The cut to Kroc sitting in his car across the street from McDonald's is abrupt and disorienting.
  • The POV shot of the customers waiting for their food is effective in conveying the chaotic and frustrating atmosphere of the restaurant, but it's not clear why Kroc is watching it anonymously.
  • The cut to Kroc puking in the bathroom is jarring and seems like an unnecessary detail.
  • The dialogue between the Bible salesman and June is forced and doesn't add anything to the scene.
  • The fact that Kroc overhears Mac's name on the phone seems like a contrived way to create tension.
  • The final line of the scene, with Kroc silently stewing, is anticlimactic and doesn't leave the audience with a sense of what's going to happen next.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ray and Ethel to make it more natural and to establish their relationship more clearly.
  • Develop the conflict between Ray and Ethel over their social life more fully, and make it clear why each of them feels the way they do.
  • Provide a clear motivation for why Kroc is watching McDonald's anonymously.
  • Cut the scene of Kroc puking in the bathroom, as it doesn't add anything to the story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between the Bible salesman and June to make it more natural and to give it a purpose in the scene.
  • Find a more organic way for Kroc to overhear Mac's name on the phone.
  • Rewrite the final line of the scene to create a stronger sense of tension and to leave the audience wanting to know what happens next.



Scene 23 -  Ray Kroc Partners with the Rosenblatts to Open a Successful McDonald's
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The salesman heading down the hall toward the elevator.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
Wait!

The salesman slows, turns. Standing there is Kroc, looking
him over, sizing him up.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
What’s your name?

SALESMAN
Leonard. Leonard Rosenblatt.

RAY KROC
Rosenblatt.

ON KROC-- digesting the name, intrigued.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
What’s a Jew doing selling Catholic
Bibles?

LEONARD ROSENBLATT
(unapologetic)
Making a living.

ON KROC-- taking in the hungry young go-getter. It’s not hard
to read his mind. This is just the sort of fella I need.
56.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Rosenblatt and his wife MYRA (22) sit across from Kroc. Kroc
slides a pen and contract to them.

ON LEONARD AND MYRA ROSENBLATT-- looking at each other.
Excited, hopeful. A young couple, staking everything on a
shared dream. Myra gives his hand a squeeze.

MYRA ROSENBLATT
I believe in you.

LEONARD ROSENBLATT
Us, Myra.

ON KROC-- watching the interaction with admiration--and a
touch of jealousy.


EXT. MCDONALD’S (THE ROSENBLATTS’) - DAY (A FEW MONTHS LATER)

The Rosenblatts’ new McDonald’s in Waukegan, IL. Festive
bunting lines the front, a banner proclaiming GRAND OPENING
TODAY! A line of the curious and hungry forms outside.


INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The hustle and bustle of a smooth-running kitchen. It’s a
model of cleanliness and professionalism, everything the
country clubbers’ locations were not.

ON KROC-- in the middle of it all, observing, highly pleased.

LEONARD ROSENBLATT (O.S.)
Let’s go, chop-chop!

ON ROSENBLATT-- moving around the kitchen, barking out
orders, making sure everything’s just so.

MYRA ROSENBLATT (O.S.)
Here y’go, champ!

Kroc looks toward the front of the store, where he sees...

Myra, handing out lollipops to children. She’s wearing a red
apron that says MCDONALD’S--and a big smile on her face.

Kroc goes over. She hands him a lollipop.

MYRA ROSENBLATT (CONT’D)
It’s normally ten and under, but
for you I’ll make an exception.
57.


Kroc looks at the lollipop. Tied to it is a ribbon with the
store’s address on it. He couldn’t be more impressed.

RAY KROC (PRE-LAP)
You shoulda seen ‘em.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc meets salesman Leonard Rosenblatt and is impressed by his background. Kroc invites the Rosenblatts to open a McDonald's, and a few months later, they have successfully launched their own restaurant in Waukegan, IL. Kroc visits and is impressed by the smoothly running kitchen and the Rosenblatts' determination. The scene is optimistic and hopeful, with a subtle tension during the business negotiation that is resolved as Kroc becomes more and more impressed with the Rosenblatts' operation.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of franchise concept
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of potential conflicts
  • Slight lack of tension in some interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively introduces a crucial turning point in the story with the birth of the McDonald's franchise. It sets the stage for future developments and establishes the foundation for the franchise model.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of franchising and the contrast between successful and unsuccessful franchise owners are central to the scene. It introduces the idea of expanding the business and the challenges and opportunities that come with it.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with the introduction of the first franchisees and the exploration of the franchise model. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and cultural conflicts, adding authenticity to the dialogue and actions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively portrays the dedication and enthusiasm of Leonard and Myra Rosenblatt as they embark on their McDonald's franchise journey. Ray Kroc's admiration and jealousy add depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

The introduction of the Rosenblatts as the first franchisees marks a significant change in the story, signaling the beginning of the franchise expansion and the evolution of the McDonald's brand.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find the right kind of people to help him achieve his business goals. This reflects his desire for success and growth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to expand his business and find the right partners to help him achieve this.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some conflict in the scene, particularly in the contrast between successful and unsuccessful franchise owners, the focus is more on the potential for success and the beginning of a new chapter in the story.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty about the protagonist's business decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The scene establishes high stakes for the characters involved, particularly the Rosenblatts who are taking a significant risk by investing in the franchise. The success or failure of their venture has far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new phase in the narrative with the franchising of McDonald's. It sets the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected cultural clashes and character dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between different cultural backgrounds and business approaches. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about who can help him succeed.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes positive emotions such as hope, excitement, and admiration. It sets a tone of optimism and potential for growth in the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character motivations. It effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, cultural conflicts, and the protagonist's pursuit of business success.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by smoothly transitioning between locations and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions and development.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and the characters are not well-developed.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene to provide more context and allow the reader to understand what is happening.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Rewrite the scene to make it more engaging and relevant to the plot.



Scene 24 -  Ray Kroc's Enthusiasm Meets Skepticism and Sparks a Recruiting Montage
INT. KROC’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

Kroc is getting undressed for bed, buzzing.

RAY KROC
You’ve never seen a pair of dynamos
like these two.

ON ETHEL-- in bed, half-listening, about to fall asleep.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
He’s in back, running the kitchen,
she’s up front, passing out suckers
to the kiddies. Like a real team.
(BEAT)
It’s wonderful. Don’t you think?

No reply from the sleepy Ethel. He gives her a poke.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Don’t you?

ETHEL KROC
Don’t I what?

RAY KROC
Think it’s wonderful.
(angling)
Two people, side by side, working
together...

ETHEL KROC
Are you trying to hire me, Ray?

RAY KROC
You say you never see me anymore.
This is a perfect way.

ETHEL KROC
I don’t want to work for you.

RAY KROC
With me. Husband and wife, united
in labor and in life. You know?

ETHEL KROC
I mean...
58.


ON ETHEL-- pondering, really struggling with the notion.

ETHEL KROC (CONT’D)
Not really.

A stretch of tense, edgy silence.

RAY KROC
I made us supper plans for Friday.

ETHEL KROC
I don’t suppose you rejoined
Rolling Green.

RAY KROC
No.
(gazes off)
Someplace far better.


INT. VFW HALL - EVENING

ANGLE ON a big banner across a wood-paneled wall: VFW POST
482 - FRIDAY NIGHT POTLUCK DINNER & BINGO

PAN DOWN to a long table lined with couples. Blue-collar
types, several rungs down the social ladder from Rolling
Green. And younger, average age closer to 30 than 60.

In the midst of them, we find Ray and Ethel. They’re dressed
deliberately “blue collar”, matching the people around them.

ON ETHEL-- edgily pushing her meatloaf and mashed potatoes
around her plate.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
So, Art, what do you do for a
living?

Kroc is chatting up the COUPLE (mid-20s) next to them.

ART WOLODARSKY
Well, I had a little plumbing
business going for a while after
getting out of the service. Now I
sell vacuum cleaners. And give
piano lessons on the side.

RAY KROC
Golly. Plumbing, pianos, you’re a
regular jack of all trades.

ART WOLODARSKY
Whatever puts food on the table.
59.


Art’s WIFE smiles proudly at her hard-working man.

ON KROC-- sizing them up. They fit the profile to a T.

RAY KROC
How would you like to do more than
merely “put food on the table”?

CUT TO:


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

Art Wolodarsky signing up for a franchise, his faithful wife
by his side. This leads to--


RECRUITMENT MONTAGE:

Kroc hunting for new recruits for the McDonald’s Army. Quick
cuts of Kroc making the SAME SPEECH in various places.
Shriners halls, synagogues, Amway meetings:

RAY KROC
I’m looking for a few good men!
Hustlers! Scrappers! Grinders! Men
willing to roll up their sleeves,
men with fire in their bellies!
(BEAT)
I stand before you today offering
something more precious than gold:
opportunity. Opportunity to
advance. To succeed. To get your
shot at the brass ring, the
American Dream. For McDonald’s,
like this great nation itself, is a
true meritocracy. If you’re willing
to put in the work, if you’ve got
the gumption and the guts and the
desire, the sky’s the limit at
McDonald’s. Put in the necessary
elbow grease and, by gum, I promise
you there’s a pot of gold waiting
for you at the end of those Golden
Arches. So who’s with me? Who’s
ready to strap it on and step onto
that first rung of the ladder of
success? Who’s ready to make that
glorious upward climb, ascending
into the hard-won heavens of
success and prosperity?

Shots of Kroc gaining traction, getting on a roll:
60.


--YOUNG COUPLES cashing out bank accounts.

--Kroc cutting the ribbon at store openings. Lines down the
block. Cash registers ringing.

--Kroc biting into a burger served by the owner-operator of a
new franchise. Art Wolodarsky.

--Kroc driving back to his own store in Des Plaines, sweeping
the lot after dark. Relentless. Inexhaustible. Obsessed.

END OF MONTAGE.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, filled with excitement about the McDonald's brothers' operation, shares his plans with his skeptical wife Ethel, who initially declines to join him. At a VFW hall's potluck dinner, Ray successfully recruits a young couple for the McDonald's franchise, marking the beginning of a recruiting montage. The montage highlights Ray's unyielding determination and drive to expand the franchise.
Strengths
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Exploration of ambition and sacrifice
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some repetitive recruitment scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tension between Ray Kroc's professional ambitions and personal relationships, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the challenges and sacrifices involved in pursuing the American Dream through the lens of the McDonald's franchise expansion is well-executed and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Ray Kroc's recruitment efforts and his interactions with potential franchisees, providing insight into the growth of the McDonald's empire. The subplot involving Ray's relationship with Ethel adds depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on marriage, business partnerships, and the pursuit of success. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Ethel, are well-developed and their conflicting desires and emotions drive the scene forward. The introduction of new franchisees adds diversity and depth to the character interactions.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in Ray and Ethel's dynamic, the scene primarily focuses on showcasing their existing conflicts and motivations rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to convince his wife, Ethel, to join him in his business endeavors and see his vision of a united partnership. This reflects his deeper desire for validation, companionship, and a shared sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to recruit new franchisees for McDonald's and expand his business empire. This reflects the immediate challenge of growth and success in the fast-food industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Ray's professional ambitions and Ethel's desire for stability creates internal tension, while the recruitment efforts and challenges faced by potential franchisees add external conflict to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are evident in Ray's relentless pursuit of expanding the McDonald's empire and the potential impact on his personal relationships. The scene conveys the risks and rewards associated with chasing the American Dream.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by highlighting Ray's expansion efforts and the challenges he faces in growing the McDonald's franchise. The introduction of new characters and conflicts adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected outcomes of their conversations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and the modern idea of partnership in work and life. This challenges Ray Kroc's beliefs about marriage, business, and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and frustration in Ray and Ethel's relationship to hope and ambition in the recruitment of new franchisees. The emotional depth adds complexity to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension between Ray and Ethel, as well as Ray's persuasive speeches to potential franchisees. The conversations feel authentic and reveal insights into the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the high stakes of their decisions, and the thematic depth of their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character interaction and development, leading to a clear progression of events and themes.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It sounds like something out of a 1950s sitcom.
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It could be trimmed down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The pacing is off. The scene starts out slowly, then speeds up in the middle, and then slows down again at the end.
  • The conflict between Ray and Ethel is not very well-developed. It's not clear what Ray wants from Ethel, and Ethel's resistance to his ideas seems somewhat arbitrary.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without giving the audience a satisfying resolution.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and contemporary.
  • Trim down the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Tighten up the pacing by moving the action along more quickly.
  • Develop the conflict between Ray and Ethel more fully by giving them clearer motivations and making their disagreement more central to the scene.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying resolution by having Ray and Ethel come to some kind of understanding or agreement.



Scene 25 -  A Warm Welcome and a Bloody Steak: Ray Kroc's Business Trip to Minneapolis
INT. EASTERN AIRLINES - DAY

A flight in mid-air. Kroc, in a window seat, gazes out at the
flat, snow-dusted expanse below. Next to him is Fred Turner,
head buried in a McDonald’s operations manual.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about
to begin our initial descent into
Minneapolis-St. Paul.


EXT. MCDONALD’S - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc and Turner pull up to a brand-new McDonald’s in a taxi.
Stretched across the front is a banner: MINNESOTA IS
MCDONALD’S COUNTRY! They step out of the cab.

JIM ZIEN (O.S.)
Welcome!

JIM ZIEN, the store’s burly, gregarious owner, comes out to
greet them. With a showman’s flourish, he gestures to a pair
of HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS in McDonald’s red and white.

JIM ZIEN (CONT’D)
Gimme an M!

CHEERLEADERS
M!

JIM ZIEN
Gimme a C!

CHEERLEADERS
C!

ON KROC-- beaming, eating up the red-carpet reception.
61.


JIM ZIEN (O.S.)
Gimme a D!

CHEERLEADERS (O.S.)
D!


INT. ROLLIE’S STEAKHOUSE - LATER/EVENING

Kroc, Turner and Zien at a Minneapolis steakhouse. The WAITER
is taking their orders.

RAY KROC
Ribeye. Bloody.
(hands waiter menu,
smiles)
I want the cow still mooing.

Everybody chuckles. Kroc is really feeling his oats.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
And a couple sides of creamed
spinach for the table.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc is tucking into his enormous, bloody steak.

JIM ZIEN
How is it?

RAY KROC
You couldn’t top this in Chicago.

JIM ZIEN
We don’t mess around up here.

RAY KROC
My compliments to the chef.

JIM ZIEN
I’ll do you one better. How about
the owner?

With this, Zien waves at someone across the room. A MAN comes
over, gives Zien a chummy back-pat.

MAN
Jimmy! Good to see ya!

We get the distinct sense this was pre-arranged.
62.


MAN (CONT’D)
Everything alright tonight?

JIM ZIEN
Wonderful as always, Rollie.

Zien gestures toward his VIP guest--

JIM ZIEN (CONT’D)
Rollie Smith, Ray Kroc.

This is ROLLIE SMITH, the owner. He enthusiastically shakes
Kroc’s hand.

ROLLIE SMITH
A pleasure.

RAY KROC
You’ve got one helluva restaurant
here.

ROLLIE SMITH
Coming from you, that’s quite a
compliment.

RAY KROC
(pleased)
I see my reputation precedes me.

ROLLIE SMITH
I’m a great admirer.

Kroc gestures to an empty chair, eager for more flattery.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
(fake-demurring)
I don’t want to interrupt.

RAY KROC
Please.

ROLLIE SMITH
Maybe just a minute.

ONE HOUR LATER--

A BUSBOY is clearing plates. Smith is still at the table.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
Well, you’ve certainly found a warm
and loving home here in
Minneapolis.
63.


RAY KROC
So it seems.

ROLLIE SMITH
This town just can’t get enough of
McDonald’s.

Smith raises Kroc’s empty glass to a passing WAITER.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
Another Canadian Club for my
friend.

The waiter nods, heads off with the glass.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
(resuming--)
In fact, I’d say there’s sufficient
enthusiasm to support another.

RAY KROC
A second location?

ROLLIE SMITH
And come to think of it, I can
think of the perfect person to own
and operate.

RAY KROC
(gamely playing along)
You don’t say.

ROLLIE SMITH
Somebody who knows what it takes to
build a great restaurant. Someone
with more than 25 years experience
in the food-service industry.

RAY KROC
Who?

ROLLIE SMITH
Me!

RAY KROC
Oh!

ON KROC-- deeply enjoying this. For a man who’s spent his
life groveling, sucking up to people, trying to curry favor,
to be on the receiving end is a thrilling new experience.

ROLLIE SMITH
I’ve got the know-how. I’ve got the
backers. And I’ve got the location.
64.


A PIANO is heard in the background. Light, lovely tinkling.

ROLLIE SMITH (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Are you familiar with Hennepin
Avenue?

ON KROC-- distracted, looking toward the piano.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
It’s one of the busiest commercial
arteries in the whole Twin Cities.
There’s a prime site that recently
became available, a full acre on
the corner of Hennepin and...
(sees Kroc not listening)
Mr. Kroc?

Kroc is staring off, transfixed. Smith follows his gaze to--

An ATTRACTIVE BLONDE, early 30s, playing a BABY GRAND PIANO
in the corner. Smith watches Kroc watch her, clearly smitten.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
Would you like to meet her?

This gets Kroc’s attention.


MOMENTS LATER--

Smith is at the piano, leaning in to the woman’s ear, saying
something. She gets up, goes over to the table with him.

ROLLIE SMITH
Ray Kroc, meet Joan Smith.
(BEAT)
My wife.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Joan is sitting next to Kroc, hanging on his every word.

RAY KROC
...Milwaukee, Kenosha, Grand Rapids
and the three Chicago area.

JOAN SMITH
Goodness.

RAY KROC
Oh, and Dayton, Ohio.
65.


JOAN SMITH
All in the last 12 months?

RAY KROC
Nine.

JOAN SMITH
Nine? You must be positively dizzy,
Mr. Kroc!

RAY KROC
Please. Call me Ray.

JOAN SMITH
(eye contact, purr)
Ray...

Kroc blushes, defenseless against the ego-stroking of a
pretty blonde.

ROLLIE SMITH
That’s some growth.

JOAN SMITH
When did you start it?

RAY KROC
(caught off guard)
Hm?

JOAN SMITH
What year, did you start
McDonald’s?

BEAT. Kroc looks at Joan looking at him. So beautiful. So
impressed.

RAY KROC
1954.

A BEAT as the lie settles. She smiles.

JOAN SMITH
Remarkable.

Kroc smiles back. She’s got him wrapped around her finger.

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
I should probably get back.

RAY KROC
To where?
66.


JOAN SMITH
The piano.

RAY KROC
Of course.

He nods, privately disappointed.

JOAN SMITH
What’s your favorite song?
(BEAT)
All-time favorite.

He thinks for a BEAT.

RAY KROC
“Pennies From Heaven”.

Joan gets up, heads over to the piano. She starts to play.
Ray immediately recognizes the melody.

JOAN SMITH
Every time it rains, it rains/
Pennies from heaven...

ON KROC-- charmed, immensely turned on.

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
Don't you know each cloud contains/
Pennies from heaven?

Kroc gets up, heads to the piano. Takes a seat on the bench
next to her. Removing her hands from the keys, he starts to
PLAY THE SONG. And sing.

RAY KROC
You'll find your fortune fallin’
all over town/ Be sure that your
umbrella is upside down...

ON JOAN-- surprised and amazed. He leans in, sotto voce:

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Worked as an organ salesman for a
few years.

She smiles, charmed. Possibly genuine.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Trade them for a package of
sunshine and flowers...
(to Joan)
Join in.
67.


She does--

RAY KROC AND JOAN SMITH
If you want the things you love,
you must have showers...

ON THE ROOM-- eating up the surprise duet. Including Rollie.

RAY KROC AND JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
So when you hear it thunder, don't
run under a tree/ There'll be
pennies from heaven for you and me

BIG APPLAUSE. Kroc stands up and takes a bow, basking in it.
Joan stands up, clapping too.

JOAN SMITH
Bravo, Ray!
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ray Kroc and Fred Turner visit a new McDonald's location in Minneapolis, where they are warmly welcomed by the owner, Jim Zien. Later, they all go to a steakhouse where Kroc orders a large, bloody steak and is introduced to Rollie Smith, the owner of the steakhouse. A pianist, Joan Smith, begins to play and Kroc is immediately smitten. It is revealed that she is Rollie's wife. The scene ends with Kroc and Joan singing a duet together at the piano.
Strengths
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Charming dialogue
  • Musical element adds a unique touch
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-executed, with strong character dynamics and a unique setting.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a business meeting turning into a musical duet adds a fresh and unexpected element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Ray Kroc meets potential franchise owners and explores new business opportunities.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on business negotiations and personal interactions, with authentic dialogue and engaging character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Joan Smith, are well-developed and their interactions are engaging.

Character Changes: 6

Ray Kroc experiences a moment of connection and charm with Joan Smith, showcasing a softer side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to feel appreciated and respected, as he is used to being the one seeking approval and validation. This scene reflects his desire for recognition and admiration.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to expand the McDonald's brand and secure new locations. This scene showcases his business acumen and networking skills.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is a low level of conflict in the scene, focusing more on positive interactions and business opportunities.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with underlying tensions and power dynamics between characters.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal interactions and business growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new business opportunities and potential franchise owners, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the surprising musical duet at the end.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's need for validation and the superficial nature of the admiration he receives. It challenges his values and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes positive emotions and charm through the interactions between characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, charming, and adds depth to the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character relationships, and unexpected plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear transitions between locations and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-heavy sequence, with clear character motivations and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, which makes it feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The dialogue is mostly exposition and lacks subtext, making it feel forced and unnatural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are not clear, making it difficult to connect with them.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags on, making it difficult to stay engaged.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader feeling like they've wasted their time.
Suggestions
  • Add a conflict or tension to the scene to give it some stakes and make it more engaging.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and include more subtext.
  • Develop the characters more and give them clear motivations, so the reader can connect with them.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene and cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that leaves the reader feeling like they've gained something from it.



Scene 26 -  Ray's Triumphant Flight Home and Frustrating Financial Discussion
INT. AIRPLANE - DAY (THE FLIGHT HOME)

Kroc gazes out the window in a state of dreamy reverie. It’s
not hard to tell what (or who) he’s thinking about.


INT. KROC’S HOUSE - DAY

Kroc enters the house. Ethel is in a living-room chair
reading a Barbara Cartland romance novel.

ETHEL KROC
How was the trip?

RAY KROC
You want to know?

ETHEL KROC
I’m asking.

RAY KROC
It was... triumphant.
(BEAT)
They rolled out the red carpet for
me. I was welcomed like a king.
Wherever I went, I was showered
with adulation. Admiration.
Respect. People were kneeling
before me, kissing my ring,
practically begging for a
McDonald’s.

A BEAT as Ethel absorbs.
68.


ETHEL KROC
That’s nice.

RAY KROC
It was.

ETHEL KROC
I’m sure.

She nods to herself, hard to read.

ETHEL KROC (CONT’D)
Pope Raymond The First.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc stands before a U.S. MAP on the wall. There are a dozen
or so PUSH PINS stuck in it, mostly clustered around Chicago
and the upper Midwest.

ON KROC-- surveying the map with the bearing of a general,
hands clasped behind his back.

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
Sir?

June is standing by the door.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
We have a small problem.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc at his desk with June. Spread out before them is the
company’s FINANCIAL LEDGER, open to a page.

RAY KROC
How could we be almost out of
capital?

JUNE MARTINO
Well...

She runs her finger down a column of figures.

RAY KROC
What’s that?

JUNE MARTINO
Your revenue. The monthly cut of
the stores.
69.


RAY KROC
That’s it?

JUNE MARTINO
1.4 percent of net.

RAY KROC
1.4?

JUNE MARTINO
1.9, minus Dick and Mac’s half
percent.

She seems way more familiar with the terms than he does.


SHORT TIME LATER--

Kroc is looking at his contract. A passage we glimpsed
earlier, at the signing:

...SHALL RECEIVE ONE AND NINE-TENTHS PERCENT (1.9%) OF NET
PROFITS GENERATED BY FRANCHISEE(S), WITH ONE-HALF OF ONE
PERCENT (0.5%) OF SAID NET PROFITS PAID TO RICHARD MCDONALD
AND MAURICE MCDONALD...

Kroc shakes his head, not happy.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray Kroc returns home from a successful trip and shares his experiences with his wife, Ethel. However, his mood turns more serious when he meets with June Martino in his office to discuss a financial problem, revealing his dissatisfaction with the current revenue split. The scene ends with Ray looking frustrated, setting up potential future conflict.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and internal conflict of the protagonist, providing depth to his character and setting up future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of success and its consequences is well explored, highlighting the sacrifices and challenges faced by individuals in pursuit of their goals.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Kroc faces financial challenges and confronts the reality of his business decisions, setting the stage for further complications and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the portrayal of business success and the ethical dilemmas faced by entrepreneurs. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Ethel, are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he grapples with the consequences of his actions, setting the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his sense of power and control in the face of financial challenges. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition, as well as his fear of failure and loss of status.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to address the financial problem facing his company. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining the financial stability of his business.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Ray Kroc, as well as the tension in his relationship with Ethel, creates a high level of conflict that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the financial problem posing a significant challenge to Kroc's business and personal goals.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Ray Kroc faces financial difficulties and personal conflicts that could have significant repercussions on his business and personal life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters, setting up future plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected financial problem that arises, challenging Kroc's sense of control and success.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the pursuit of success and the ethical considerations of business practices. Kroc's ambition and drive for success clash with the financial realities and ethical implications of his business decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, as it delves into the personal struggles and sacrifices of the characters, eliciting empathy and connection from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional dynamics between the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and the tension between the characters. The financial problem adds a sense of urgency and conflict to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as Kroc confronts the financial problem.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what Kroc is doing in the airplane, and his conversation with Ethel is repetitive and uninformative.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable or engaging.
  • The scene is too long and does not move the story forward.
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict. There is nothing at stake for Kroc or Ethel.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. The setting is bland and the action is repetitive.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What is Kroc trying to accomplish by talking to Ethel?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on the most important moments.
  • Add tension or conflict to the scene. What is at stake for Kroc or Ethel?
  • Make the scene more visually interesting by using different camera angles, lighting, and composition.



Scene 27 -  Unresolved Tensions and a Medical Emergency
EXT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - SHORT TIME LATER

Dick is accepting a large shipment of cups and plastic ware.
He signs, hands the clipboard back to the DELIVERY MAN.

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Mr. McDonald?

Dick turns, sees a YOUNG EMPLOYEE.

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
Ray Kroc on the line.


INT. BACK OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

Mac stands behind Dick, who picks up the phone, both of them
bracing for it.

DICK MCDONALD
Hiya, Ray.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
I want to renegotiate.
70.


DICK MCDONALD
Renegotiate what?


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Kroc paces, contract in hand. (Intercut as necessary.)

RAY KROC
My deal. My lousy deal.

Dick looks totally taken aback.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
1.4 is barely enough to cover my
monthly nut, much less drive
expansion.

DICK MCDONALD
Ray, those are the terms.

RAY KROC
It’s not enough.

DICK MCDONALD
It’s more than triple our cut.

RAY KROC
Then you oughta be getting more,
too.

DICK MCDONALD
I’m not a greedy man.

RAY KROC
It’s not about greed, it’s about
taking care of ourselves so we can
take care of this company. If I had
more money to work with, we could
be growing at twice the pace.

DICK MCDONALD
I have no beef with the current
rate of expansion.

RAY KROC
We haven’t got a single location in
New York. Pennsylvania.

DICK MCDONALD
All in good time.

RAY KROC
Texas!
71.


DICK MCDONALD
I have no doubt it’ll come.

RAY KROC
I’ve been busting my hump for you
boys.

DICK MCDONALD
And you’re doing a bang-up job.

RAY KROC
Then I ought to be doing better
than just breaking even.

DICK MCDONALD
I don’t know what to say.

RAY KROC
Say you’ll renegotiate.

DICK MCDONALD
I can’t.

RAY KROC
Can’t or won’t?

DICK MCDONALD
Upping your cut, it wouldn’t be
fair to the franchisees.

RAY KROC
The franchisees are doing just
fine. I’m the one drowning. Between
your molasses approval process and
the meager cut...

DICK MCDONALD
You freely and willingly agreed to
the terms of your deal, Ray. Nobody
put a gun to your head.

RAY KROC
Four percent.

DICK MCDONALD
No.

RAY KROC
Three and a half.

DICK MCDONALD
Ray...
72.


RAY KROC
What?

DICK MCDONALD
No.

RAY KROC
GODDAMMIT!

He hangs up.


KITCHEN - SHORT TIME LATER

Post-call. Dick is gazing off stormily.

MAC MCDONALD
Is he a pain in the rear? Yes. Has
he got a few screws loose? Maybe.
But that doesn’t mean he’s going to
do us any harm.

DICK MCDONALD
How long are you going to keep this
up, Mac?

MAC MCDONALD
Keep what up?

DICK MCDONALD
The whole “everything is fine” act.
(eye contact)
There’s a wolf in the henhouse! And
we let him in!

ON MAC-- looking nauseous. Guilty.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I never should have listened.

MAC MCDONALD
We have a contract, Dick. For just
this sort of thing.

DICK MCDONALD
I should have trusted my gut.

MAC MCDONALD
He’s powerless.

BEAT. Dick shakes his head grimly.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, Dick.
73.


Dick is silent, furious at his brother. At himself.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I just wanted you to have your...

He trails off, seemingly losing his train of thought.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I just wanted...

His face grows flushed. Dick sees something is off.

DICK MCDONALD
Mac.

MAC MCDONALD
I’m sorry, Dickie...

ON DICK-- recognizing what this is.

MAC MCDONALD (CONT’D)
I didn’t mean to leave the gate
open...

DICK MCDONALD
Take a seat.

MAC MCDONALD
I didn’t mean to let Boomer get
out...

DICK MCDONALD
(moving toward brother)
Mac, you’re having one of your--

CRASH. Mac flops over, crashing to the floor.


SAN BERNARDINO - KITCHEN - SHORT TIME LATER

Mac is sitting on the floor nursing a milkshake. Next to him
is a tin box marked GLUCAGON EMERGENCY KIT.

DICK MCDONALD
A few more sips.

Mac takes a sip of the shake. His sleeves are rolled up,
revealing a MEDIC ALERT BRACELET. Engraved on it is DIABETES
TYPE 1.

MAC MCDONALD
I’m okay.

ON DICK-- looking at his brother with love and worry.
74.


ON MAC-- gazing off at something...

The Multimixer on the counter. Kroc’s machine, used to make
the shake in his hands.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Dick McDonald receives a delivery at McDonald's in San Bernardino, but the scene is overshadowed by a tense phone call with Ray Kroc. Kroc wants to renegotiate their deal, seeking a larger cut of the profits, which Dick refuses. This leads to an argument, straining their relationship. Meanwhile, Mac tries to reassure his brother, but soon after, he has a diabetic episode and needs to take glucagon. Dick quickly helps his brother, showcasing his love and concern for him. The scene takes place in three different locations and ends on a somber note.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, revealing important character dynamics and personal struggles while advancing the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of renegotiating financial terms and the revelation of a health issue adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the negotiation between Kroc and the McDonald brothers reaches a critical point, leading to potential conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to a negotiation scenario, with complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with their motivations, conflicts, and vulnerabilities coming to the forefront in this scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Mac McDonald, undergo a significant change as his health issue is revealed, impacting the dynamics of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain the integrity of the business and stick to the agreed terms of the deal, reflecting his values of fairness and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the renegotiation with Ray Kroc and protect the interests of the franchisees.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers is palpable, with high stakes involved in the negotiation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotional outbursts that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 8

The negotiation over financial terms and the revelation of a health issue raise the stakes for the characters and the future of the business.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict between the characters and setting the stage for potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and twists in the negotiation process.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to the agreed terms and the desire for growth and expansion. It challenges the protagonist's values of fairness and stability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially with the revelation of the health issue of one of the brothers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and confrontational, effectively conveying the emotions and power dynamics at play in the negotiation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes negotiation, emotional conflict, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense throughout the negotiation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic negotiation scene, with clear character motivations and conflict development.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a very formal way that does not sound like real conversation.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict. Dick McDonald simply refuses to renegotiate the deal, and Ray Kroc hangs up on him. There is no tension or drama in the scene.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by at least a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene does not advance the plot in any significant way. It simply shows that Ray Kroc is unhappy with his deal with the McDonald brothers and that he is willing to take drastic measures to get what he wants.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. It takes place entirely in two bland offices, and there is no action to break up the monotony.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. The characters should speak in a way that is true to their personalities.
  • Add some conflict to the scene. Dick McDonald could initially agree to renegotiate the deal, but then change his mind after talking to his brother. This would create some tension and drama.
  • Cut down the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action. The scene should be as short as possible while still conveying the important information.
  • Move the scene to a more interesting location. This could be a restaurant, a bar, or even a park. The new location would provide some visual interest and help to break up the monotony.
  • Add some action to the scene. This could be something as simple as Kroc pacing around the office or Dick McDonald slamming his fist on the table. The action would help to create some excitement and tension.



Scene 28 -  Ray Kroc's Internal Conflict: Mortgaging His Home and Considering Inst-A-Mix
INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc sits at his desk. Next to a bottle of Canadian Club is a
pile of BILLS AND INVOICES. He picks one up. It’s from
ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL, stamped PAST DUE. He picks up another
one. From CHICAGO GAS & ELECTRIC. He stares at the amount
owed.

RAY KROC (PRE-LAP)
Ninety-four dollars?


INT. MCDONALD’S (DES PLAINES) - COOLER - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc in the walk-in cooler with Fred Turner. In Kroc’s hand
is the Chicago Gas & Electric bill.

FRED TURNER
It’s unbelievable what these
suckers cost to run.

Kroc shakes his head, a knot in his stomach.

FRED TURNER (CONT’D)
My pop used to own an ice-cream
parlor. He went belly-up from the
refrigeration costs.

Kroc’s eye drifts to the left side of the cooler. The entire
side is filled with drums of ice cream (for the milkshakes).

ON KROC-- staring at the drums.


INT. KROC’S HOUSE - ENTRANCE/LIVING ROOM - DAY

Kroc enters the house. He hangs up his coat and makes a
beeline for the liquor cabinet, pours himself a stiff drink.

ETHEL KROC (O.S.)
A man called today.

Kroc turns, startled to see Ethel in a recliner in a corner
of the darkened room.

RAY KROC
Ethel.
75.


ETHEL KROC
From a bank.

RAY KROC
Alright...

ETHEL KROC
Illinois First Federal.

RAY KROC
What did they want?

ETHEL KROC
You don’t know?

RAY KROC
Why would I?

She gives him an unnerving stare.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
What?

ETHEL KROC
Ray...
(eye contact)
Did you mortgage our home?

ON KROC-- a deer in the headlights.


INT. ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL - DAY

Kroc marches through the bank to Harvey Peltz’s desk.

RAY KROC
I specifically said the office is
the best place to reach me!

ON PELTZ-- taken aback by the intrusion.

HARVEY PELTZ
I tried you there, Mr. Kroc.
Numerous times.

RAY KROC
You have no right to call me at my
home. It is a blatant invasion of
privacy.
76.


HARVEY PELTZ
With all due respect, sir, when
you’re three months behind on your
payments, you don’t get to pick and
choose where you’re contacted.


INT. KROC’S CAR - DAY

Kroc driving along a highway. A sign appears ahead:

MINNEAPOLIS - 377 MILES


EXT. MCDONALD’S (ROLLIE SMITH) - NIGHT

Kroc approaches a gleaming new McDonald’s in downtown
Minneapolis. He looks through a window, into the store.

ON KROC-- gazing.

KROC’S POV: Joan Smith in a McDonald’s apron, looking just
adorable. Pretty much his fantasy image of a woman.

Out the corner of her eye, she sees Kroc through the glass.
She heads out to him.

JOAN SMITH
Ray?

RAY KROC
(jokey)
Surprise inspection!

JOAN SMITH
What are you doing here?

RAY KROC
Just thought I’d fly up, see how
things are going.

She smiles, impressed. It makes him feel great.


INT. ROLLIE’S STEAKHOUSE - LATER

Kroc having dinner with Rollie and Joan.

ROLLIE SMITH
$12,400.

RAY KROC
That’s some haul for month one.
77.


ROLLIE SMITH
And once we clear start-up costs...

RAY KROC
You’ll be looking at a tidy little
profit.

Rollie and Joan nod, buzzing over the prospect.

ROLLIE SMITH
Speaking of which: I hate to mix
business with pleasure...

RAY KROC
(wry)
I don’t.

Everyone chuckles. Rollie proceeds.

ROLLIE SMITH
My expenses...

RAY KROC
What about ‘em?

ROLLIE SMITH
Well, they’re a bit higher than
anticipated. One in particular...
That dang walk-in.

ON KROC-- interested to hear more.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
The bill’s a real whopper.

RAY KROC
All that ice cream.

ROLLIE SMITH
Exactly.

RAY KROC
It’s a real problem.

A BUSBOY comes by, clears their finished plates.

ROLLIE SMITH
Now, I don’t want to overstep my
bounds here, but I think I may have
found a solution.
(looks at Joan, proud)
Joan did, actually.
78.


RAY KROC
You don’t say.

Kroc turns to Joan, all ears.

JOAN SMITH
(salesman-like)
What if I told you there was a way
to save you, us, and all your owner-
operators literally hundreds of
dollars a year in electrical costs?

Kroc cocks an intrigued eyebrow.

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
And free up valuable storage space.
And reduce the amount of time it
takes to make a milkshake by half.

RAY KROC
I’ll bite.

She reaches under the table, pulls out her purse. She takes
out a copy of RESTAURANT BUSINESS MONTHLY, slides it to Kroc.

JOAN SMITH
Page 22.

Kroc opens the trade publication to page 22. A FULL-PAGE AD
for something called INST-A-MIX. The ad copy trumpets:

ATTENTION RESTAURANT OPERATORS! INTRODUCING INST-A-MIX, THE
MIRACULOUS INSTANT ICE-CREAM SUBSTITUTE THAT WILL SAVE YOU
‘SCOOPFULS’ OF TIME AND MONEY!

GREATER VOLUME! HIGHER PROFITS! MAKES REFRIGERATION A THING
OF THE PAST!

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
A powdered milkshake. Costs a
fraction of ice cream, no
refrigeration necessary.

ROLLIE SMITH
Thickening agents and emulsifiers
simulate the texture of milk fat.
Tastes just like the real thing.

JOAN KROC
And it’s easy as pie to prepare.
Just pour the convenient single-
serving packet into water and stir.
79.


ON KROC-- staring at the ad poker-faced. Rollie and Joan
can’t get a read on his reaction.

ROLLIE SMITH
I realize it may seem a tad
blasphemous, what with your dairy-
sector background and all.

JOAN SMITH
But personally...

Joan looks at Kroc, touches his hand.

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
I think it’s a marvelous idea.

ON KROC-- privately quivering at the touch.

WAITER (O.S.)
Could I interest anyone in dessert?

The WAITER holds out a dessert menu to the table.

ROLLIE SMITH
No thanks, Vic.
(to Kroc, cryptic smile)
We brought our own.


MOMENTS LATER--

ANGLE ON a pair of SILVER-FOIL PACKETS in front of Joan.

JOAN SMITH
Chocolate or vanilla?

RAY KROC
Vanilla.

Joan takes one of the packets, marked “V”, dumps the powdery
contents into a glass. She pours in some water, stirs.

ON KROC-- watching with fascination as it thickens. Within
seconds, it transforms into what looks like a vanilla shake.

Joan slides it to Kroc. All eyes on him as he takes a sip. A
long, anxious BEAT from the table.

JOAN SMITH
What do you think?

RAY KROC
I think... I’m drinking a delicious
vanilla shake!
80.


The table erupts in happy, relieved laughter.

JOAN SMITH
May I?

Kroc follows her eyes to the shake. He gives her a “be my
guest” nod. She raises the glass to her lips, takes a long,
languorous sip. Kroc watches, highly turned on.

She puts the glass down, smiles at Kroc.

JOAN SMITH (CONT’D)
I couldn’t resist.

Kroc’s gaze drifts to the glass. On the rim is a bright-red
LIPSTICK MARK. He stares at it.

ROLLIE SMITH (O.S.)
So whaddaya say?

Kroc looks at Rollie, shaken out of his moment.

ROLLIE SMITH (CONT’D)
We try it out at our place. Then,
if it goes well...

JOAN SMITH
You roll it out nationally.

ON KROC-- suddenly a tad queasy, thinking of the brothers. He
nods vaguely.

RAY KROC
I could.

A strange, shaky BEAT.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Let me think about it.

Rollie and Joan nod, surprised. They were expecting a big,
unreserved yes.

ROLLIE SMITH
Of course. You’re the boss.

Kroc nods, privately churning. If they only knew.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc is confronted by his wife Ethel about mortgaging their home, which adds to his existing personal and professional challenges. He then meets with Rollie and Joan Smith who propose using Inst-A-Mix to save on costs and improve efficiency at McDonald's. Despite the proposal's potential benefits, Kroc is hesitant to commit to the idea, highlighting his internal conflict and uncertainty. The scene ends with Kroc agreeing to consider the proposal, showcasing the unresolved tension and his ongoing struggle to make a decision.
Strengths
  • Innovative business idea
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines personal drama, business negotiations, and a new business idea, creating a compelling and engaging narrative. The emotional depth and character dynamics add layers to the story, making it impactful and memorable.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The introduction of the powdered milkshake mix as a solution to reduce costs and improve efficiency in the restaurant business is innovative and adds a fresh element to the scene. It showcases the characters' ability to adapt and find creative solutions to challenges.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Ray Kroc explores new business opportunities, faces financial struggles, and navigates personal conflicts. The introduction of the powdered milkshake mix adds a new layer of complexity to the story and sets up potential future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases original situations such as the introduction of powdered milkshake as a solution to high expenses, adding a fresh approach to the narrative. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Joan Smith, are well-developed and show depth in their interactions. Ray's financial struggles and strained relationship with his wife add emotional depth, while Joan's introduction of the powdered milkshake mix showcases her business acumen.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc experiences internal conflict and emotional turmoil, especially regarding his financial struggles and strained relationship with his wife. The introduction of the powdered milkshake mix also challenges his beliefs and decisions, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his financial troubles and personal relationships while maintaining his image and authority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a solution to the high expenses in his business and potentially expand nationally.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains internal conflicts within Ray Kroc, financial struggles, and strained relationships, adding tension and emotional depth. The introduction of the powdered milkshake mix also creates a conflict of interest and decision-making.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, especially in the protagonist's decision-making process regarding the new business solution.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve Ray Kroc's financial struggles, the success of the McDonald's franchise, and the potential impact of the powdered milkshake mix on the business. The decisions made in this scene could have significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new business idea, showcasing character development, and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. It advances the narrative and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected introduction of the powdered milkshake solution and the protagonist's hesitant response, keeping the audience unsure of his decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between traditional methods (using ice cream) and innovative solutions (powdered milkshake). This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about quality and authenticity in his business.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, anxiety, relief, and intrigue. The personal struggles of the characters, the business negotiations, and the introduction of the innovative business idea create a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and business negotiations. It adds tension and intrigue to the scene, especially during the discussion about the powdered milkshake mix.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mix of personal drama, business decisions, and subtle character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with visual descriptions, creating a dynamic flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and coherent dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Kroc sitting at his desk, staring at a pile of bills. This is a good way to establish his financial situation and create a sense of tension. However, the dialogue that follows is a bit too on-the-nose. Kroc says, 'Ninety-four dollars?' and Turner replies, 'It's unbelievable what these suckers cost to run.' This is a bit too obvious and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The scene then cuts to Kroc and Turner in the walk-in cooler. Turner is talking about how his father went belly-up from the refrigeration costs. This is a good way to foreshadow Kroc's own financial problems, but it's also a bit too heavy-handed. The scene would be more effective if it were more subtle.
  • The scene then cuts to Kroc's house, where he is confronted by Ethel about mortgaging their home. This is a good way to raise the stakes and create a sense of conflict. However, the dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. Ethel says, 'Did you mortgage our home?' and Kroc replies, 'Why would I?' This is a bit too confrontational and doesn't feel like a natural conversation between a husband and wife.
  • The scene then cuts to Kroc marching through the bank to Harvey Peltz's desk. Kroc is angry and confrontational, and Peltz is calm and professional. This is a good way to create a sense of contrast between the two characters. However, the dialogue is a bit too long and repetitive. Kroc keeps repeating the same points over and over again, and Peltz keeps repeating the same responses.
  • The scene then cuts to Kroc driving along a highway. He is thinking about the financial problems he is facing. This is a good way to give the audience a sense of Kroc's inner turmoil. However, the scene is a bit too long and slow-paced. It would be more effective if it were shorter and more to the point.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue in the opening scene to make it more subtle and less on-the-nose.
  • Cut the scene in the walk-in cooler and replace it with a shorter, more subtle scene that foreshadows Kroc's financial problems.
  • Rewrite the dialogue in the scene between Kroc and Ethel to make it more natural and less confrontational.
  • Shorten the dialogue in the scene between Kroc and Peltz and make it more to the point.
  • Shorten the scene of Kroc driving along the highway and make it more to the point.



Scene 29 -  Ray Kroc's Failed Attempt to Convince McDonald's on Cost-Saving Measures
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Kroc is sitting on the bed looking at the Inst-A-Mix ad in
“Restaurant Business Monthly”. On the nightstand is a pint of
Four Roses bourbon, empty. He dials the phone.
81.


RAY KROC
Just hear me out.


INT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - NIGHT

The restaurant is closed. Dick is on the front-counter phone.

DICK MCDONALD
(instantly wary)
Hello, Ray.

ON MAC-- cleaning up in the background. His ears prick up.

RAY KROC
What if I told you there was a way
to save you, me, and all our owner-
operators literally hundreds of
dollars a year in electrical costs?

DICK MCDONALD
And what would that be?

RAY KROC
Two words: Powdered milkshake.
(before Dick can reply--)
There’s a remarkable new product I
recently came across called Inst-A-
Mix. It’s a powdered milkshake,
costs a fraction of ice cream, no
refrigeration necessary.

DICK MCDONALD
Ray--

RAY KROC
I tried it, and let me tell you, it
is delicious. Tastes just like the
real thing.

DICK MCDONALD
Is this some sort of joke?

RAY KROC
Comes in vanilla or chocolate.

DICK MCDONALD
Ray.

RAY KROC
Me, I’m a vanilla man.
82.


DICK MCDONALD
I have no interest in a milkshake
that contains no milk.

RAY KROC
You won’t be able to tell the
difference. Guarantee.

DICK MCDONALD
Why don’t we put sawdust in the
hamburgers while we’re at it?

RAY KROC
I’m being serious.

DICK MCDONALD
Frozen french fries!

RAY KROC
You don’t want to save a bundle?

DICK MCDONALD
Not like that.

RAY KROC
We’re talking the same great taste
while boosting your bottom line.

DICK MCDONALD
It’s called a milk shake, Ray.

RAY KROC
Not to mention freeing up all that
cooler space. I don’t know about
you, but I’d sure like to--

DICK MCDONALD
Milk. Now and forever.

ON KROC-- shut down. Yet again.

RAY KROC
Well, thanks for giving it your
full and sincere consideration.
(fed up)
As always.


MOTEL ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc silently gazes off. He FLINGS THE MAGAZINE across the
room, knocking over a lamp.
83.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, Ray Kroc, staying in a motel room, calls the McDonald's in San Bernardino to propose using powdered milkshake product Inst-A-Mix to save on electrical costs. Dick McDonald, the owner, dismisses the idea, leading to a heated argument. Ray, growing increasingly frustrated, throws a magazine across the room. The conflict revolves around Ray's desire to introduce cost-saving measures and Dick's commitment to maintaining product quality, with no resolution in sight.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the conflict and frustration between the characters, setting up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of introducing a new product to save costs and improve efficiency adds depth to the narrative and reveals the differing perspectives of the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the disagreement between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald escalates, leading to potential consequences for their partnership.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the conflict between business partners, with the introduction of a controversial product idea. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald are well-developed and their conflicting personalities drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc experiences a setback in his efforts to convince Dick McDonald, leading to a shift in his approach and mindset.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to convince Dick McDonald to adopt the powdered milkshake product, showcasing his desire for business success and innovation.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to save money on electrical costs and boost the bottom line for McDonald's.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald is intense and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dick McDonald's resistance to Ray Kroc's proposal creating a compelling conflict that drives the scene forward.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the disagreement between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald could impact the future of their business venture.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict that will have repercussions for the characters and their partnership.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected introduction of the powdered milkshake product and the characters' unpredictable reactions to it.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional values and innovative business practices. Dick McDonald represents the traditional approach to food quality and authenticity, while Ray Kroc advocates for cost-saving measures and efficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high as the characters' frustrations and differences come to the forefront.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the underlying tensions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and conflicting motivations of the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax with Ray Kroc's frustration.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction between characters, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven confrontation in a screenplay, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • **The scene is too static and lacks visual interest.** The entire scene takes place in a motel room and is dominated by a single character sitting on the bed talking on the phone. The lack of movement and visual stimulation can make the scene boring and difficult to follow.
  • **The exposition-heavy dialogue is slow and tedious to read.** A large portion of the scene is taken up by Ray Kroc explaining the benefits of powdered milkshake mix to Dick McDonald. This dialogue is overly technical and lacks any real emotion or tension.
  • **The characters are one-dimensional and lack development.** Neither Ray Kroc nor Dick McDonald is given much depth or nuance in this scene. They are both portrayed as stereotypical businessmen who are more interested in making money than anything else.
  • **The conflict is underdeveloped and lacks stakes.** The only real conflict in the scene is Ray Kroc's attempt to convince Dick McDonald to use powdered milkshake mix. However, this conflict is not developed in any meaningful way and is resolved too quickly.
  • **The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.** The scene simply ends with Ray Kroc throwing the magazine across the room and storming out. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and without any sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • **Add more movement and visual interest to the scene.** This can be done by having Ray Kroc get up and walk around the room, or by having him interact with other characters.
  • **Cut down on the exposition-heavy dialogue and focus on more emotional and dramatic moments.** The scene would be much more interesting if Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald were allowed to express their feelings and motivations more openly.
  • **Give the characters more depth and nuance.** This can be done by exploring their backstories and motivations, and by showing them in a variety of different situations.
  • **Develop the conflict more fully and give it some real stakes.** The conflict should be something that both characters care deeply about, and it should have a significant impact on the outcome of the scene.
  • **Give the scene a more satisfying ending.** The ending should leave the reader feeling satisfied and with a sense of closure. This can be done by resolving the conflict, or by setting up future developments.



Scene 30 -  Ray Kroc's Failed Attempt to Secure a Loan
INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc stares at the ever-growing mountain of bills on his
desk. His gaze drifts to a letter from ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL
marked FINAL NOTICE.


INT. ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL - DAY

Kroc is sitting with Harvey Peltz, his home-mortgage officer.

RAY KROC
You’ve got to extend my line.

HARVEY PELTZ
Until you build more equity in your
home or pay down the loan...

RAY KROC
My business is booming.

HARVEY PELTZ
Unfortunately, that’s immaterial.

RAY KROC
Thirteen locations in nine states!

HARVEY PELTZ
It’s a home-equity loan.

RAY KROC
Then give me a business loan.

REVEAL, on the other side of a partition: a patrician, silver-
haired BUSINESSMAN sitting across from an empty chair,
listening in as he waits for his banker to return.

HARVEY PELTZ
These 13 locations. They’re yours?

RAY KROC
Meaning?

HARVEY PELTZ
You own them?

RAY KROC
I mean, not in the strict sense.

HARVEY PELTZ
So then what are your assets?

RAY KROC
Mine personally?
84.


HARVEY PELTZ
It is your business, correct? You
own it?

RAY KROC
Not technically, per se.

The businessman cringes for the poor, floundering schlub on
the other side of the partition.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I’m the head of franchising. I’m
the one behind all the growth.

HARVEY PELTZ
That’s all well and good, but--

RAY KROC
Have you ever been to a McDonald’s?

The name catches the businessman’s ear.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
We’ve got three stores right here
in the Chicagoland area. Perhaps if
you swung by, took a look.

HARVEY PELTZ
That’s quite alright.

RAY KROC
I’d be happy to give you a tour,
give you a better sense of--

HARVEY PELTZ
Thank you. I’ve got the gist.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense and stressful scene, Ray Kroc, head of franchising for a fast food company, finds himself in a financial bind as he struggles with a growing pile of bills. He goes to Illinois First Federal bank to ask for an extension on his home-equity loan but is denied by his mortgage officer, Harvey Peltz. A nearby businessman listens in on their conversation, cringing at Kroc's financial situation. Kroc tries to persuade Peltz by talking about his booming business, but Peltz remains unconvinced, stating that Kroc's business success is immaterial to the loan decision. The scene ends with Kroc's financial situation still uncertain, as the bank is unwilling to extend the loan he needs.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional turmoil Ray Kroc is experiencing, keeping the audience engaged and invested in his journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of financial struggle and the challenges of business expansion are central to the scene, driving the plot forward and revealing the character's motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Ray Kroc's efforts to secure funding, adding depth to his character and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of financial struggles and business growth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Ray Kroc's character undergoes a subtle change as he faces rejection and financial pressure, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to secure financial support or a loan to continue growing his business. This reflects his deeper desire for success, recognition, and validation of his entrepreneurial efforts.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to convince Harvey Peltz to extend his line of credit or provide a business loan. This reflects the immediate challenge of securing financial stability for his business.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the loan officer creates tension and drives the scene forward, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Harvey Peltz presenting a significant obstacle to Ray Kroc's goal of securing financial support.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ray Kroc's financial future and the success of his business expansion hang in the balance, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges Ray Kroc faces in expanding his business and the obstacles he must overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, conflicting goals, and uncertain outcomes of the financial negotiations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal ownership and corporate structure. Ray Kroc's role as the head of franchising highlights his contribution to the company's growth, but his lack of personal assets challenges traditional notions of ownership and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for Ray Kroc's struggles and desperation, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and desperation of the situation, revealing the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, sharp dialogue, and dynamic character interactions that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the financial negotiations and character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-driven, character-focused scene in a drama or biographical film.


Critique
  • The scene focuses on Ray Kroc's financial struggles and his difficulty securing a loan, but it lacks a clear purpose or direction within the larger narrative.
  • The dialogue between Kroc and Harvey Peltz is repetitive and does not advance the plot or character development.
  • The inclusion of the businessman listening in on the conversation feels unnecessary and does not contribute meaningfully to the scene.
  • The scene lacks visual interest or cinematic elements to engage the audience.
  • The ending of the scene, with Kroc flinging the magazine, is abrupt and does not provide a satisfying resolution or transition to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a stronger hook that establishes the stakes and the urgency of Kroc's situation.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more concise, focused, and revealing of Kroc's character and motivations.
  • Remove the businessman character or find a way to integrate them more effectively into the scene.
  • Enhance the scene with visual details and actions that create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.
  • Rewrite the ending to provide a clearer transition to the next scene and leave the audience with a sense of anticipation or intrigue.



Scene 31 -  Ray Kroc's Financial Troubles and Harry Sonneborn's Proposal
EXT. ILLINOIS FIRST FEDERAL - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc exits the bank in defeat. He slumps off toward his car.

BUSINESSMAN
Mr. Kroc.

Kroc turns, sees the man approaching. Kroc looks him over.
Dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, he has the finished,
cosmopolitan air of a New Yorker.

RAY KROC
Can I help you?

BUSINESSMAN
No. But perhaps I can help you.
85.


He hands Kroc a business card. Kroc looks at it:

HARRY J. SONNEBORN - VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE - THE TASTEE-
FREEZ CORPORATION

RAY KROC
Thanks. We’re perfectly happy with
our current supplier.

Kroc hands back the card, starts to walk off.

HARRY SONNEBORN
I’m not looking to sell you ice
cream.

RAY KROC
Then what do you want?

HARRY SONNEBORN
I caught a bit of your conversation
back there. Sounds like you’re
having some financial troubles.

RAY KROC
Why don’t you mind your own
business?

HARRY SONNEBORN
I’m a great admirer of your
establishment.

RAY KROC
That’s very nice.

HARRY SONNEBORN
I lunch at your Waukegan location
at least thrice a week. And not
once have I ever failed to witness
a large, avid crowd.

RAY KROC
Your point being...

HARRY SONNEBORN
If you’re not making money hand
over fist, something is gravely
amiss.

This gets Kroc’s attention.
86.


INT. PRINCE CASTLE SALES - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc enters the office with Sonneborn. As they pass the front
desk:

RAY KROC
June, fetch the ledger.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc and Sonneborn sit in front of the ledger.

HARRY SONNEBORN
So to summarize, you have a
miniscule revenue stream, no cash
reserves, and an albatross of a
contract that requires you to go
through a glacially slow approval
process to enact changes--if
they’re approved at all. Which they
never are.
(BEAT)
Am I missing anything?

RAY KROC
I believe that covers it.

ON SONNEBORN-- thinking.

HARRY SONNEBORN
Tell me about the land.

RAY KROC
Land?

HARRY SONNEBORN
The land, the buildings, how that
whole aspect of it works.

RAY KROC
Well, it’s pretty simple really.
The franchisee finds a piece of
land he likes, takes out a lease.
Usually 20-year. He gets himself a
construction loan, puts up the
building, and off he goes.

HARRY SONNEBORN
So the operator selects the site.

RAY KROC
Yes.
87.


HARRY SONNEBORN
He picks the property. Not you.

Kroc nods, unsure why he’s so curious about all of this.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
You supply the training, the
system, the operational know-how,
and he’s responsible for the rest.

RAY KROC
Correct.

ON SONNEBORN-- processing. He seems troubled.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Is there a problem?

HARRY SONNEBORN
A big one.

RAY KROC
Which is?

HARRY SONNEBORN
That you don’t seem to realize what
business you’re in.
(BEAT)
You’re not in the burger business.
You’re in the real-estate business.

Kroc looks totally confused.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
You don’t build an empire off a 1.4
percent cut of a 15-cent hamburger.
You build it by owning the land
upon which that burger is cooked.

ON KROC-- wrestling with this strange notion.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
What you ought to be doing is
buying up plots of land, then
turning around and leasing said
plots to franchisees, who as a
condition of their deal should be
permitted to lease from you and you
alone. This will provide you with
two things: One, a steady, upfront
revenue stream. Money flows in
before the first stake is in the
ground. Two, greater capital for
expansion.
(MORE)
88.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
Which in turn fuels further land
acquisition, which in turn fuels
further expansion. And so on and so
on.
(BEAT)
Land... That’s where the money is.
(BEAT)
And control. Control over the
franchisee: Fail to uphold quality
standards, you cancel their lease.
Control over Dick and Mac: Their
power stops at the building’s
foundation. Yours goes to the soil.

ON KROC-- absorbing, registering the full significance.

RAY KROC
If I were to do this... the
brothers... this would
effectively...

HARRY SONNEBORN
Yes.

A long BEAT. Kroc searching his soul. We can almost see the
Angel and the Devil on his shoulders.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
So whaddaya say, Ray?


MONTAGE:

The Harry & Ray Show. Sonneborn and Kroc jumping into action:

--Sonneborn taking meetings with BANKERS AND INVESTORS in New
York City. Confidently presenting his sweeping vision to
conference rooms of heavy hitters. He stands in sharp
contrast to Kroc... Kroc is Main Street, Sonneborn is Wall
Street. Kroc is a salesman, Sonneborn is a businessman.

--Hands being shaken, deals being struck.

--Kroc criss-crossing the country by plane shopping for land.
Scouting suburban neighborhoods, plots of land near schools
and churches. Fertile ground for the planting of arches.

--Kroc’s U.S. map filling in with push pins. 15, 20, 30...

--Kroc and Sonneborn presiding over lease signings. MOLINE,
NASHVILLE, ORLANDO, KALAMAZOO.

--New franchisees combing through thick, 100-page agreements.
Glimpses of legalese:
89.


...ANY AND ALL CHANGES OR MODIFICATIONS MUST BE...

...SHOULD LESSEE FAIL TO UPHOLD STANDARDS OF CONDUCT AND
QUALITY AS DEEMED BY LESSOR, LESSOR HAS THE RIGHT TO...

Control. For Kroc.

END OF MONTAGE.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary Ray Kroc, the owner of a small failing restaurant, meets Harry Sonneborn, a businessman from The Tastee-Freez Corporation, outside a bank. After discussing Kroc's financial troubles, Sonneborn identifies the root of the problem as Kroc's lack of control over the land and real estate. Sonneborn proposes a solution, suggesting that Kroc should be in the real estate business instead of the burger business. Kroc is intrigued and agrees to consider Sonneborn's proposal. The scene ends with Kroc and Sonneborn agreeing to work together to implement Sonneborn's proposal, and Kroc criss-crossing the country by plane shopping for land and presiding over lease signings.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept introduction
  • Character development for Ray Kroc
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is crucial in shifting the narrative towards a new direction and revealing a key concept that will drive the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of focusing on real estate rather than just the food business is innovative and sets up a major turning point for the protagonist.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the real estate concept and the potential for expansion and control.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fast food industry and business management, focusing on the real estate aspect of the business rather than just the food. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are driven by their motivations and beliefs.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Ray Kroc and Harry Sonneborn, are instrumental in conveying the new business strategy and the impact it will have on the story.

Character Changes: 8

Ray Kroc undergoes a significant shift in perspective and understanding of the business, setting the stage for his future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to find a solution to his financial troubles and save his business. This reflects his deeper desire for success, recognition, and control.

External Goal: 9

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to find a way to turn his failing business around and make it profitable. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in terms of financial difficulties and operational issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and strategic rather than overtly dramatic, focusing on the protagonist's realization and decision-making.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Harry Sonneborn challenging Ray Kroc's beliefs and offering a different perspective on the business. The audience is left unsure of how Kroc will respond to this opposition.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the future success and control of the McDonald's business, hinging on the decisions made in this scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story in a new direction with the introduction of the real estate concept and the potential for expansion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new character who challenges the protagonist's beliefs and offers a unique solution to his problems. The outcome of their interaction is uncertain and keeps the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional business practices and innovative, modern approaches. Harry Sonneborn challenges Kroc's beliefs about the burger business and introduces a new perspective that forces Kroc to reconsider his strategies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is moderate, with the focus more on the intellectual and strategic aspects of the business.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and engaging, especially in the discussion between Kroc and Sonneborn about the real estate strategy.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation for the protagonist, introduces a new character with a different perspective, and sets up a major turning point in the narrative. The dialogue is sharp and the conflict is compelling.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing new information at a steady pace. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the overall rhythm and flow of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-driven, character-focused scene. It effectively builds tension and reveals new information about the characters and their motivations.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is a bit stilted, and the characters come across as one-dimensional.
  • The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot.
  • The businessman's motivations are unclear.
Suggestions
  • The dialogue should be more natural and conversational.
  • The businessman should be given a more clear motivation.
  • The scene should be revised to advance the plot in some way.



Scene 32 -  Emergence of the Franchise Realty Corporation and Its Impact on the McDonald Brothers
EXT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - MORNING

The restaurant, not yet open for the day. A MAILMAN goes over
to Dick with a stack of mail. Dick opens a LETTER, troubled
by what he sees.


INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Mac is wiping down the front counter.

DICK MCDONALD (O.S.)
Have you heard of the Franchise
Realty Corporation?

Mac turns, sees Dick holding the letter.

MAC MCDONALD
What is it?

DICK MCDONALD
I have no clue. But apparently Ray
Kroc is president and CEO.

Mac takes the letter, instantly nauseous.

ANGLE ON letter, written on FRANCHISE REALTY CORPORATION
letterhead. The letter itself is some innocuous bit of
McDonald’s business from Kroc to the brothers. It’s really
just an excuse to flash the letterhead. And the signature at
the bottom: RAYMOND A. KROC - PRESIDENT/CEO


INT. PRINCE CASTLE SALES - SHORT TIME LATER

June is at the front desk. She picks up a ringing phone.

JUNE MARTINO
Franchise Realty Corporation, how
may I direct your call?

Behind her, WORKMEN are taking down the Prince Castle Sales
sign and putting up a new one in its place: FRANCHISE REALTY
CORPORATION
90.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc picks up his phone. (Intercut as necessary.)

RAY KROC
Hello, Dick. How are you?

DICK MCDONALD
Well, if you really want to know,
I’m tad miffed.

RAY KROC
What seems to be the trouble?

DICK MCDONALD
Franchise Realty Corporation.

RAY KROC
What about it?

DICK MCDONALD
For starters, would you mind
telling me what it is?

RAY KROC
Oh, nothing really. Just a little
something I created to help provide
leasing services and support to our
new franchisees.

Dick can practically hear Kroc’s smirk through the phone.

DICK MCDONALD
You know full well you can’t do
something like that without first
clearing it.

RAY KROC
Why would I need to do that?

DICK MCDONALD
Why? Because as your deal plainly
states, any and all changes must——

RAY KROC
It’s not a change.

DICK MCDONALD
Excuse me?

RAY KROC
It’s not a change. It’s a company.
Its own separate company. Which
puts it outside of your purview.
91.


DICK MCDONALD
Anything relating to McDonald’s is
within our--

RAY KROC
You boys have full say over what
goes on inside the restaurants. But
outside? Above? Below?... Your
authority stops at the door. And
the floor.

ON MAC-- standing in the doorway, sick to his stomach. He
can’t hear what Kroc is saying, but he knows it’s not good.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense and confrontational scene, Dick McDonald receives a letter from the mysterious Franchise Realty Corporation, causing concern for him and his brother Mac. June Martino at Prince Castle Sales receives a call from the same corporation, and workmen are seen changing the sign. Ray Kroc, who has a separate office, makes a call to Dick, explaining that the corporation is a separate entity that provides leasing services to franchisees. The scene ends with Kroc asserting his control and authority over the corporation, leaving the McDonald brothers to deal with the consequences.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Clear character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and confrontational tone, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a power struggle and control over the franchise business is well-executed, setting up a significant conflict for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Kroc introduces the Franchise Realty Corporation, causing friction with the McDonald brothers and escalating the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh conflict between the protagonist and a new corporate entity, adding complexity to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicting goals.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc's assertiveness and defiance in this scene mark a significant change in his approach to business dealings.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his business and maintain control over the McDonald's brand. This reflects his desire for autonomy and success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront Ray Kroc about the Franchise Realty Corporation and assert his authority over the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a new corporate entity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers is intense and pivotal, setting the stage for future developments.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the control and future of the McDonald's franchise, making the conflict crucial for all parties involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and showcasing the power dynamics within the franchise business.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected introduction of the Franchise Realty Corporation and the power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's belief in maintaining control over his business and Ray Kroc's belief in expanding and creating new ventures. This challenges the protagonist's values of tradition and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes negative emotions such as resentment and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and drives the conflict forward, revealing the characters' personalities and intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and sharp dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest through well-paced dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation in a business setting, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and business. For example, the dialogue about the mailman and the letter could be cut without losing any important information.
  • The scene could also be improved by adding more visual elements. For example, you could show the mailman delivering the letter to Dick, or you could show Dick reading the letter and reacting to it. This would help to make the scene more engaging and visually interesting.
  • Finally, the scene could be improved by adding more conflict. For example, you could have Dick and Mac argue about the letter, or you could have Kroc confront Dick about the Franchise Realty Corporation. This would help to create more tension and suspense, and it would make the scene more dramatic.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and business. For example, the dialogue about the mailman and the letter could be cut without losing any important information.
  • Add more visual elements. For example, you could show the mailman delivering the letter to Dick, or you could show Dick reading the letter and reacting to it.
  • Add more conflict. For example, you could have Dick and Mac argue about the letter, or you could have Kroc confront Dick about the Franchise Realty Corporation.



Scene 33 -  Kroc's Confident Photo Shoot and Inst-A-Mix Approval with a Hint of Jealousy
INT. KROC’S OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY

Kroc is leaning against his desk, arms folded confidently, a
big grin on his face. It’s a slightly weird sight until we
hear the click of a camera and realize it’s a PHOTO SHOOT.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Let’s try a few by the map.

The PHOTOGRAPHER leads Kroc to the expansion map, which is
significantly more crowded with pins now. Kroc strikes the
same pose, arms winningly crossed.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Good, good.

Kroc impulsively grabs a prop hamburger off the desk, holds
it up for the camera.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Love it.

Kroc playfully pretends to take a big bite.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
(snapping away)
That’s a riot!


INT. MCDONALD’S (ROLLIE SMITH) - DAY

Rollie is hustling about the kitchen, supervising the lunch
rush.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(gruff)
Delivery.
92.


He turns, expecting to see a delivery man. Instead, Ray Kroc
is standing there, leaning against THREE BOXES on a dolly.

RAY KROC
(like a delivery guy)
Where ya want these?


INT. BACK OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc looks on as Rollie opens one of the boxes, unsure what’s
inside.

ANGLE ON box’s contents: hundreds of silver-foil packets.

ROLLIE SMITH
(excited, surprised)
Yeah?

RAY KROC
I’ve thought it over.

ON JOAN-- also there, anxiously awaiting Kroc’s next words.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Approved.

JOAN SMITH
Really? Oh, thank you!

RAY KROC
Thank you. It’s a whiz-bang idea.
And you thought of it.

Kroc revels in the feeling of playing kingmaker.

ROLLIE SMITH
Well, we’re deeply honored to serve
as your test market.

RAY KROC
To heck with that. I’m rolling it
out nationally.

Joan gasps, honored, thrilled. Her idea, implemented across
the country.

ON ROLLIE-- looking at Joan looking at Ray. We finally detect
the first stirrings of jealousy.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Speaking of Inst-A-Mix, have you
seen the new issue of “RBM”?
93.


Kroc reaches inside his coat, pulls out a copy of “Restaurant
Business Monthly”. Hands it to Rollie.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Hot off the press.

ON ROLLIE-- taking in the cover...

ANGLE ON magazine. Kroc is the cover boy. A big photo of him
in his office, smiling, holding the hamburger. The headline:

MCDONALD’S TAKES A BITE OUT OF THE COMPETITION - UPSTART
HAMBURGER EMPORIUM IS ‘ON THE GROW’

ON JOAN-- looking at Ray on the cover. Looking at Ray in the
flesh.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this scene, a photo shoot takes place in Kroc's office, where he poses confidently by the expansion map. At McDonald's, Kroc arrives with Inst-A-Mix boxes, surprising Rollie and Joan. Kroc reveals his approval of the Inst-A-Mix idea and plans to roll it out nationally. The tone is optimistic and positive, with a hint of tension and jealousy arising from Rollie's first stirrings of jealousy as Joan looks at Ray with admiration and excitement. The scene ends with Kroc showing Rollie and Joan the cover of Restaurant Business Monthly with him on it, and Rollie showing the first signs of jealousy.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Setting up future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the long-term consequences of the Inst-A-Mix idea

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of excitement, power dynamics, and subtle conflict. It moves the story forward and sets up potential conflicts for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ray Kroc expanding McDonald's nationally and introducing new ideas like Inst-A-Mix is innovative and sets the stage for further growth and conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Ray Kroc approves the Inst-A-Mix idea and hints at potential conflicts with Rollie Smith's jealousy. It sets up future developments and adds depth to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the fast-food industry and corporate power struggles, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ray Kroc's confident and playful demeanor, Rollie Smith's initial admiration turning into jealousy, and Joan Smith's excitement all add depth to the characters and drive the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Rollie Smith shows signs of jealousy, hinting at a potential character arc. Ray Kroc's power and influence are further established.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and control over the McDonald's franchise and its employees. This reflects his deeper desire for power and recognition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to implement a new idea nationally and establish McDonald's as a dominant force in the fast-food industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict brewing with Rollie Smith's jealousy, adding tension to the scene. It hints at potential conflicts in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high as the approval of the Inst-A-Mix idea could impact McDonald's expansion and the relationships between the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new idea for McDonald's, setting up potential conflicts, and deepening the characters' dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between individual creativity and corporate control. The protagonist's decision to roll out a new idea nationally challenges the traditional hierarchy within the company.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes positive emotions like excitement and hope, especially with the approval of the new idea. It sets up emotional stakes for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reflects the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It moves the scene forward and sets up future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters and the high stakes involved in the protagonist's decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit static and could use more action or dialogue to keep it moving.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural.
  • The characters are not very well developed and their motivations are not clear.
  • The scene does not seem to have a clear purpose or direction.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise.
Suggestions
  • Add some action or dialogue to the scene to make it more dynamic.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and backstories.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction.
  • Shorten the scene to make it more concise.



Scene 34 -  Ray Kroc's Contemplation and Ambition
INT. KROC’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ethel is asleep in bed, alone.


LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kroc is on the phone, speaking quietly.

RAY KROC
(intrigued)
Bloomington...


INT. ROLLIE AND JOAN SMITH’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Joan is on the kitchen phone, also speaking softly. She’s
wearing a nightie.

JOAN SMITH
It’s about 10 miles south of
downtown. They’re building a brand-
new sports stadium there.

RAY KROC
I read about that.

JOAN SMITH
We’re getting a professional
baseball and football team. They’ll
both be playing there.

RAY KROC
I think I see where you’re going
with this...
94.


JOAN SMITH
A 40,000-seat stadium, just a
stone’s throw away. Imagine the
foot traffic.

RAY KROC
Hungry families looking for a bite
after the ballgame.

JOAN SMITH
Or before. Whenever.

RAY KROC
I like the way you think, Joan.
You think big.

JOAN SMITH
Is there any other way to?

RAY KROC
You’d be surprised.

His gaze drifts downward. To his wedding ring.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
A lot of people, they’re scared. Of
taking a chance. Reaching for
greatness.

JOAN SMITH
That’s so sad.

RAY KROC
I agree. Ambition, that’s the stuff
of life.

JOAN SMITH
What’s that saying? “Fortune favors
the bold.”

RAY KROC
Absolutely.

JOAN SMITH
Just look at you.

RAY KROC
Are you calling me bold, Joan?

JOAN SMITH
You don’t build a restaurant empire
acting like a timid little mouse.
95.


BEDROOM - SHORT TIME LATER

Kroc lies in bed next to Ethel. His hands drift downward
under the covers, toward his nether regions.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Ray Kroc, while on the phone with Joan Smith, discusses the potential for a new restaurant location near a new sports stadium in Bloomington. The conversation highlights Joan's ambitious thinking, which Ray admires. Later, Ray lies in bed next to his wife, Ethel, and begins to touch himself under the covers, reflecting his internal conflict regarding his ambition and personal life. The scene takes place in Ray's house, in the living room and bedroom, at night. The tone is contemplative and introspective, with a focus on Ray's thoughts on ambition and the importance of taking risks.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Clear character motivations
  • Exploration of ambition and risk-taking
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the characters' ambitions and desires while setting up potential future developments. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character traits.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of ambition and risk-taking in business is well-developed in this scene. The introduction of a potential business opportunity adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Ray Kroc considers a new business opportunity and connects with Joan Smith. The scene sets up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of ambition and risk-taking, with characters engaging in a nuanced discussion about personal growth and business opportunities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ray Kroc and Joan Smith are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Their interaction adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the potential for character growth and development is hinted at through the characters' ambitions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome his fear of taking risks and reaching for greatness. This is reflected in his conversation with Joan about ambition and boldness.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to explore potential business opportunities presented by the new sports stadium being built in Bloomington.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no overt conflict in this scene, the potential for conflicts and challenges is hinted at through the characters' ambitions and desires.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist grapples with his fear of taking risks and reaching for greatness.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the potential for business success or failure and the hint of a romantic interest adding tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new business opportunity and setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' conversations and the revelation of their inner fears and desires.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of ambition and taking risks. Joan encourages the protagonist to think big and reach for greatness, while he reflects on the fear that holds many people back from pursuing their dreams.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact as it explores themes of ambition and connection. The potential romantic interest adds a layer of intrigue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character traits and motivations. It sets up potential conflicts and developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and character interactions that reveal their motivations and desires.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection with dynamic dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue that advances the plot and themes effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Kroc on the phone, speaking quietly, but it's unclear who he's talking to or what they're talking about. The dialogue doesn't provide enough context for the reader to understand the conversation.
  • The focus of the scene shifts abruptly from the phone call to Kroc lying in bed next to Ethel, with his hands drifting downward under the covers. This transition is jarring and doesn't flow well with the rest of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Kroc and Joan is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people would talk to each other.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or direction. It starts with Kroc on the phone, then shifts to Joan on the phone, then to Kroc and Joan talking about the new sports stadium, and then to Kroc lying in bed next to Ethel. The scene jumps around too much and doesn't have a clear focus.
  • Overall, the scene is poorly written and doesn't add anything to the story.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Kroc and Joan on the phone, talking about the new sports stadium. This will provide more context for the conversation and make it more interesting for the reader.
  • Cut the part where Kroc lies in bed next to Ethel. It's unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the story.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Kroc and Joan to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add a clear purpose or direction to the scene. What do you want the reader to learn from this scene?
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether. It doesn't add anything to the story and it's not very well written.



Scene 35 -  Confrontation over Inst-A-Mix: Kroc and McDonald's Conflict
INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc, Harry Sonneborn and Fred Turner stand huddled over a
map of Texas.

HARRY SONNEBORN
(re: some city on map)
That’s a fast-growing area.

The phone rings outside the room.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
And cheaper. You’re talking a good
15 percent less per acre.

RAY KROC
I still say Houston’s the move.

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
Sir?

June Martino is standing in the doorway.

JUNE MARTINO (CONT’D)
Dick on line one.


INT. MCDONALD’S - SAN BERNARDINO - CONTINUOUS

Dick on the phone in his office, Mac in the background.

DICK MCDONALD
I just got a very disconcerting
call.

Kroc on the other end--Harry, Fred and June listening in.
Kroc has a smug, cocky air, “playing to the crowd” a bit.

RAY KROC
Oh?

DICK MCDONALD
From Buddy Jepsen. Our operator in
Sacramento.

RAY KROC
I’m well aware who Buddy Jepsen is.
96.


DICK MCDONALD
He told me he received a shipment
this morning.

RAY KROC
It arrived?

DICK MCDONALD
You are way out of line, Ray.

RAY KROC
I figured it wouldn’t get there
until Friday the earliest.

DICK MCDONALD
Would you mind telling me what
you’re doing shipping four cases of
Inst-A-Mix to one of our operators?

RAY KROC
If you’re not interested in turning
a profit, that’s fine. But please
don’t stop the rest of us.

DICK MCDONALD
Us?

RAY KROC
Us. As in everyone but you.

DICK MCDONALD
Who did you send them to?

RAY KROC
Everyone but you.

DICK MCDONALD
You have no right, Ray. You are to
stop this instant. Is that clear?

RAY KROC
Nah.

DICK MCDONALD
Excuse me?

RAY KROC
You heard me. Nah.

DICK MCDONALD
What the hell’s that mean?
97.


RAY KROC
It means from now on I’ll be doing
things my way.

DICK MCDONALD
You will abide by the terms of your
deal.

RAY KROC
I’m through taking marching orders
from you. Bowing to your dictates.
You and your endless parade of nos.

DICK MCDONALD
You have a contract.

RAY KROC
Don’t grow, don’t change... Cower
in the face of progress...

DICK MCDONALD
If phony powdered milkshakes is
your idea of progress, you have a
profound misunderstanding of what
McDonald’s is about.

RAY KROC
I have a far better understanding
of McDonald’s than you two yokels.

DICK MCDONALD
What did you say?

RAY KROC
You heard me.

DICK MCDONALD
You will do as we say.

RAY KROC
Nope.

DICK MCDONALD
You have a contract.

RAY KROC
Contracts are like hearts. They’re
made to be broken.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense scene, Ray Kroc, Harry Sonneborn, and Fred Turner discuss the location for expanding McDonald's in Texas, while June Martino brings Kroc a phone call from Dick McDonald. McDonald confronts Kroc about shipping Inst-A-Mix to their operators without permission, but Kroc refuses to stop, causing a conflict between them. The scene ends with Kroc showing a cocky and defiant attitude towards McDonald.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and gripping, with strong dialogue and conflict that drives the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power dynamics and conflicting visions for the business is effectively portrayed through the confrontation between Kroc and McDonald.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Kroc challenges McDonald's authority and sets the stage for a major shift in the business.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the struggle for control and power in a business setting, with authentic character interactions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald are well-developed and their conflicting personalities drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc's character undergoes a change as he asserts his independence and challenges McDonald's authority.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal is to assert his independence and control over the direction of McDonald's, showing his desire for power and success.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal is to expand McDonald's business and increase profits, even if it means going against the wishes of his partners.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Kroc and McDonald is intense and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values creating a challenging and uncertain situation for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Kroc challenges the established order and risks his relationship with McDonald.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a major conflict and power shift within the business.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the power dynamics and character motivations, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ray Kroc's ruthless ambition and Dick McDonald's commitment to the original values of McDonald's. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about success and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high due to the intense confrontation and power struggle between the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the power dynamics between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and power struggle between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a dialogue-driven confrontation, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It sounds like the characters are reading from a script, rather than speaking spontaneously.
  • The scene lacks action. The characters are simply standing around talking, and there is no real sense of movement or progression.
  • The characters are one-dimensional. They are simply mouthpieces for the plot, and they do not have any real depth or complexity.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene is not particularly interesting. It does not reveal anything new about the characters or the plot, and it does not advance the story in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and spontaneous.
  • Add some action to the scene, such as having the characters move around or interact with their environment.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and complexity.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Make the scene more interesting by revealing something new about the characters or the plot, or by advancing the story in a meaningful way.



Scene 36 -  Kroc's Betrayal and the Breaking Point
INT. KROC’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Kroc and Ethel eat dinner together in edgy silence. All we
hear is the sound of knife scraping plate as meat is cut.
98.


ETHEL KROC
Please pass the salt.
(he passes it)
Thank you.

RAY KROC
You’re welcome.

Another stretch of silence. Cutting and chewing.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I want a divorce.


INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE - DAY

The big, oak-paneled office of a top Chicago law firm. Kroc
sits across from a LAWYER.

LAWYER
It’s not so simple.

He looks down at a document in his hand, Kroc’s contract with
the brothers.

LAWYER (CONT’D)
This contract, it’s ironclad.

RAY KROC
I don’t care what it takes...

MATCH CUT TO:


INT. ANOTHER LAWYER’S OFFICE - DAY

Virtually the identical scene, except a different office and
different LAWYER.

RAY KROC
Just get me out.

LAWYER #2
She’s gonna put up one hell of a
fight.

RAY KROC
She can have it all. The house, the
car, the insurance policy...

LAWYER #2
(treading lightly)
What about the...
99.


RAY KROC
Never. I’d sooner die than give
that woman one share of McDonald’s.


INT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - OFFICE - DAY

Dick enters the office. He notices a package on his desk,
addressed to him and Mac. He opens it, pulls out a silver-
foil Inst-A-Mix packet. It’s stamped “S”.

Dick reaches in, pulls out a handwritten note from Kroc:

NEW FLAVOR... STRAWBERRY. MAYBE YOU’LL LIKE THIS ONE!

--BEST, RAY

His dismay is soon eclipsed by something else:

The note from Kroc; it’s not on Franchise Realty Corporation
letterhead. The letterhead says THE MCDONALD’S CORPORATION.
It’s signed at the bottom RAYMOND A. KROC - PRESIDENT.


INT. FRANCHISE REALTY CORPORATION - SHORT TIME LATER

Workmen are taking down the Franchise Realty Corporation sign
at the front desk, a new one going up in its place: THE
MCDONALD’S CORPORATION.

RAY KROC (O.S.)
It was confusing.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Kroc on the phone.

RAY KROC
No one knew it had anything to do
with McDonald’s.


INT. SAN BERNARDINO - CONTINUOUS

Dick on the other end. Mac there, too.

DICK MCDONALD
What’s confusing is you calling
yourself the McDonald’s
Corporation.

ON MAC-- listening, strangely calm.
100.


DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
People will think it’s the whole
company, not just the real-estate
arm. Which I strongly suspect is
what you hope.

Without warning, Mac SNATCHES THE PHONE out of Dick’s hands--

MAC MCDONALD
IT’S NOT YOUR COMPANY, RAY!

RAY KROC
Mac.

MAC MCDONALD
Do you understand that?

RAY KROC
Don’t get all bent out of shape.

MAC MCDONALD
We came up with the Speedee System,
not you. Us. What did you ever come
up with, Ray? Name one thing. You
can’t. Because you never have and
you never will. You’re a leech!
You’re a professional leech!

ON DICK-- stunned by his brother’s outburst.

RAY KROC
Would you like to know what I came
up with? I’ll tell you, Mac. I came
up with a concept. A highly novel
concept called winning. You boys
are content to sit back and be a
couple of also-rans. To let the
future run roughshod over you. Me,
I want to take the future. I want
to win. And you don’t get there by
being some aw-shucks, nice-guy sap.
There’s no place in business for
people like that. Business is war.
It’s rat eat rat, dog eat dog. If
my competitor was drowning, I’d
reach out and stick a goddamn hose
in his mouth. Can you say the same?

MAC MCDONALD
I can’t, nor would I want to.

RAY KROC
Hence your single location.
101.


MAC MCDONALD
I want you out of this company.

RAY KROC
And how do you propose to do that?

MAC MCDONALD
Whatever it takes. We’ll sue you if
necessary.

RAY KROC
You couldn’t afford to sue me. I
could bury you in court costs
alone. I’m the president and CEO of
a major corporation with
landholdings in 17 states. You run
a burger stand in the desert.
(blistering, nuclear)
I’m national. You’re fucking local.

Kroc hears a loud THUD through the phone.

Mac has COLLAPSED to the floor.

The wail of an AMBULANCE SIREN carries us to--
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Ray Kroc drops a bomb on Ethel by expressing his desire for a divorce. Simultaneously, he consults with two lawyers to figure out how to break his contract with the McDonald brothers, aiming for full control of the company. The McDonald brothers discover Ray's deception involving McDonald's Corporation letterhead, confronting him and leading to a heated argument that results in Mac's collapse from stress. The scene is filled with tension, confrontation, and emotional conflicts, with the ambulance siren signaling that the conflict remains unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Powerful dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and significant character development. The dialogue is powerful and drives the plot forward, setting the stage for major changes in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ray contemplating a divorce and the power struggle between him and the McDonald brothers adds depth and complexity to the narrative. It introduces a new layer of conflict and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Ray makes a bold decision that will have far-reaching consequences. The conflict between Ray and the McDonald brothers escalates, adding tension and drama to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of corporate power struggles, with a focus on personal relationships and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ray and Mac McDonald, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations, desires, and flaws. The scene showcases their conflicting personalities and values, driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Ray's decision to ask for a divorce and the confrontation with the McDonald brothers mark significant changes in the characters' arcs. The scene sets the stage for further development and reveals new facets of the characters' personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and control over the situation. This reflects his deeper desire for power and success, as well as his fear of being overshadowed or outmaneuvered.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate his divorce proceedings and assert his control over the McDonald's corporation. This reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in his personal and professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving power struggles, personal ambitions, and emotional tensions. The confrontation between Ray and the McDonald brothers escalates the conflict to a high level.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the conflict between the characters and creating uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Ray's decision to ask for a divorce, the confrontation with the McDonald brothers, and Mac's collapse have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the story. The outcome of these conflicts will shape the future of the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, escalating tensions, and setting the stage for major developments. It propels the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected outburst from one of the characters and the shifting power dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between ruthless ambition and loyalty to a shared vision. The protagonist's belief in cutthroat business tactics clashes with the McDonald brothers' values of integrity and collaboration.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as Ray's ultimatum to Ethel, the confrontation with the McDonald brothers, and Mac's collapse create intense emotions and tension. The audience is deeply engaged in the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and confrontational, revealing the deep-seated conflicts and power dynamics between the characters. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the character relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, intense confrontations, and dramatic dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually through dialogue and silence, leading to a climactic confrontation that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on dialogue-driven conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue is unnatural and stilted, with characters speaking in a way that feels forced and unrealistic.
  • The scene lacks focus and direction, with multiple plot points and character conflicts being introduced without a clear sense of what the main thrust of the scene is.
  • The pacing is too slow, with long stretches of exposition and dialogue that don't advance the story or develop the characters.
  • The characters are thinly drawn and lack depth, with their motivations and actions feeling arbitrary and unconvincing.
  • The tone of the scene is inconsistent, with moments of high drama interspersed with moments of light comedy that don't gel well together.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Focus the scene on a single plot point or character conflict, and develop it in a way that creates a sense of urgency and stakes.
  • Cut unnecessary exposition and dialogue, and tighten the pacing to keep the story moving.
  • Develop the characters more fully, giving them clear motivations and making their actions more understandable.
  • Establish a consistent tone for the scene, and avoid jarring shifts in mood.



Scene 37 -  Mac's Hospital Visit and Ray Kroc's Unexpected Offer
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Mac lies in a hospital bed looking pale and weak. Dick stands
by as DR. REEVES talks to Mac.

DR. REEVES
You’ve been following your eating
plan?
(Mac nods)
Checking your glucose levels?
(Mac nods)
Taking your medication on a
consistent basis?
(Mac nods)
Regular walks, 20 minutes a day?
(Mac nods)
No smoking?
(Mac nods)
Any stress?

MAC MCDONALD
(BEAT, understatement of
century)
Some.
102.


DR. REEVES
You need to watch that. It’s a big
contributing factor.

The doctor flips to a page in Mac’s chart.

DR. REEVES (CONT’D)
As I said, your kidney function’s
currently at 50 percent. 18 months
ago, it was 65. Any lower, you’re
at serious risk for kidney failure.


INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Mac is doing a crossword puzzle, Dick in a chair nearby.

MAC MCDONALD
“William Who Rode With Paul
Revere.”

DICK MCDONALD
How many letters?

MAC MCDONALD
Five, fourth letter E.

DICK MCDONALD
Dawes.

Mac pencils it in. A knock at the door.

MAC MCDONALD
Come in.

Mac and Dick look toward the door, stunned to see...

Ray Kroc, holding a bouquet of flowers.

RAY KROC
How ya feelin’?

The brothers glare at their unexpected, unwelcome guest.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
That was some spill. Felt it all
the way through the phone.

Kroc extends the flowers to Mac.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
For you.
103.


Mac takes the flowers like they’re potentially laced with
anthrax. He glances at the card attached.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Open it.

MAC MCDONALD
That’s alright.

RAY KROC
Please. I think you’ll like it.

Mac reaches in the envelope, pulls out a GET-WELL CARD. He
opens the card. A CHECK falls out. Blank.

MAC MCDONALD
What’s this?

RAY KROC
What’s it look like?

MAC MCDONALD
It looks like a blank check.

RAY KROC
Then that’s probably what it is.

Mac and Dick look at each other.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
How much should I make it out for?

MAC MCDONALD
What are you buying?

Kroc flashes them a “You don’t know?” smirk.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this hospital scene during the day, Mac, looking pale and weak, is visited by Dr. Reeves who discusses his health status, including his eating plan, glucose levels, medication, exercise, and stress. Mac's kidney function is at 50%, down from 18 months ago. The tension rises when Ray Kroc shows up with flowers and a blank check, offering to pay for Mac's medical expenses. Dick is present, supporting Mac, while Ray's sudden appearance brings discomfort to the scene. The scene ends with Ray's offer, leaving Mac and Dick looking surprised and uncomfortable.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the storyline, making it highly engaging for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Ray Kroc offering a blank check to the McDonald brothers in a hospital room adds a layer of tension and conflict to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ray Kroc's actions create a turning point in the relationship between the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of health issues and family dynamics, with the unexpected visit from Ray Kroc adding a unique twist to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers are well-developed and their dynamics are central to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc's actions hint at a significant change in his character as he becomes more ruthless and manipulative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to manage his health condition and make decisions about his treatment. This reflects his deeper need for survival and well-being.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the unexpected visit from Ray Kroc and handle the situation with grace and composure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unexpected visit from Ray Kroc creating a challenging situation for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how he will handle the confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene are evident as Ray Kroc's actions could have far-reaching consequences for all characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by altering the dynamics between the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected visit from Ray Kroc and the tension it creates between the characters. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's values and beliefs about accepting help from someone he may not trust or have a positive relationship with. It challenges his sense of independence and pride.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high due to the strained relationships and high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals the underlying tensions between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional tension, and unexpected plot developments. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions and a focus on character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is missing a sense of urgency and stakes. The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers has been building up for several scenes, but it doesn't come to a head here. The brothers are angry with Kroc, but they don't do anything to stop him. Kroc is offering them a blank check, but they don't seem to be interested in taking it. As a result, the scene feels like a placeholder, and it doesn't advance the plot in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is expositional and bland. The characters are simply stating their positions without any real emotion or conflict. This makes the scene feel dull and repetitive.
  • The scene is too short. There is not enough time for the conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers to develop and resolve. As a result, the scene feels rushed and unsatisfying.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Kroc offers the brothers a blank check, but they don't seem to be interested in taking it. This leaves the reader hanging and wondering what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Add a sense of urgency and stakes to the scene. The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers has been building up for several scenes, so it's time to let it come to a head. The brothers should be more forceful in their opposition to Kroc, and Kroc should be more aggressive in his pursuit of their business.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more emotional and conflict-driven. The characters should be expressing their feelings more openly, and they should be more willing to challenge each other.
  • Expand the scene to give the conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers more time to develop and resolve. This will help to make the scene more satisfying and impactful.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Kroc should offer the brothers a more specific deal, and the brothers should be more responsive to it. This will help to create a sense of closure and leave the reader feeling satisfied.



Scene 38 -  The Unbeatable Kroc and the Brother's Defeat
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Mac and Dick both gazing off gloomily. After a long stretch
of silence--

MAC MCDONALD
We’ll never beat him.
(BEAT)
We’ll never be rid of him.

ON DICK-- absorbing. He knows Mac is right.
104.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc is standing before the franchise map. There are nearly
50 PINS in it now. The intercom buzzes.

JUNE MARTINO (O.S.)
Dick McDonald.

Kroc picks up, friendly and casual.

RAY KROC
Hiya, Dick.

On the other end is Dick, in the KITCHEN in San Bernardino.

DICK MCDONALD
$2.7 million.
(BEAT)
A million for each of us after
taxes.

ON KROC-- taken aback by the staggering sum.

DICK MCDONALD (CONT’D)
And one percent of the company’s
profits in perpetuity.


INT. KROC’S OFFICE - DAY

Kroc is pacing furiously before Harry Sonneborn.

RAY KROC
It’s outrageous! Borderline
extortion!

Sonneborn is holding a document. A PURCHASE PROPOSAL from the
brothers.

HARRY SONNEBORN
And they want one other thing.

RAY KROC
What?

HARRY SONNEBORN
San Bernardino.

Kroc is taken aback.

HARRY SONNEBORN (CONT’D)
To give to their longtime
employees. As a gift.
105.


RAY KROC
I need San Bernardino. I was
counting on its profits to cover
the debt on the purchase loan.

HARRY SONNEBORN
I’ve spoken at length about it with
their lawyers. It’s unfortunately
non-negotiable.

ON KROC-- calmly absorbing.


INT. LAW OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Kroc and the brothers in a conference room, flanked by their
respective teams of LAWYERS.

KROC LAWYER
Our client agrees fully to your
conditions of sale. With one
exception. Your one percent cut of
future corporate earnings will have
to be carried out on a handshake
basis.

RAY KROC
On the insistence of my investor
group. Their financing is
contingent on leaving it out of the
contract. It’s unfortunately a
dealbreaker for them.

Dick and Mac look at each other, extremely wary.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
You have my word you’ll get your
full due royalties.

He extends his hand, holding it out to them.


CONFERENCE ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER

Mac and Dick sit alone in the conference room as their
lawyers pack up. (Kroc and his team are gone.)

ON MAC-- staring somberly at a check in his hands for
$1,350,000.

ON DICK-- staring somberly at a check in his hands for
$1,350,000.
106.
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this somber and tense scene, Mac and Dick mournfully accept their defeat against Kroc. The brothers demand $2.7 million and one percent of the company's profits, which Kroc finds outrageous. However, Kroc agrees to their terms, except for leaving out the one percent cut of future corporate earnings from the contract. The scene ends with Mac and Dick sitting alone in the conference room, each holding a check for $1,350,000, indicating that the deal is done.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, with intense dialogue and high emotional stakes. It effectively conveys the power dynamics and conflicts between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating a deal for the sale of the company is crucial to the overall plot and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the negotiation between Kroc and the McDonald brothers reaches a critical point.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the negotiation genre by focusing on the personal and moral implications of business deals. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clearly portrayed during the negotiation.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo internal changes as they grapple with the difficult decisions and negotiations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to secure a fair deal for himself and his brother while also maintaining their integrity and values.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to negotiate a deal with Ray Kroc that benefits them financially and allows them to retain ownership of their original restaurant in San Bernardino.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Kroc and the McDonald brothers is at a peak, with high stakes and emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and values creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters negotiate the terms of the sale, with significant financial and personal implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the negotiation process and the characters' decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the values of integrity and business success. The protagonist must decide whether to compromise their principles for financial gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as the characters face difficult decisions and confrontations.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, realistic, and drives the conflict forward effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and moral dilemma faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the negotiation process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a negotiation scene, with clear dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Mac and Dick gazing off gloomily, which is a passive and uninteresting way to begin a scene. Consider starting with a more active or engaging action.
  • The dialogue between Mac and Dick is brief and to the point, but it doesn't provide much insight into their characters or motivations. Consider expanding the dialogue to give the audience a better understanding of what they're thinking and feeling.
  • The scene then cuts to Kroc's office, where he is pacing furiously before Harry Sonneborn. This is a more active and engaging way to start the scene, but it's not clear what Kroc is so upset about. Consider adding a line of dialogue to explain his frustration.
  • The dialogue between Kroc and Sonneborn is clear and concise, but it's mostly exposition. Consider adding some more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • The scene then cuts back to the conference room, where Kroc and the brothers are meeting with their lawyers. The dialogue here is well-written and informative, but it's a bit too long and repetitive. Consider cutting some of the dialogue to make the scene more concise.
  • The scene ends with Mac and Dick sitting alone in the conference room, staring somberly at their checks. This is a powerful and emotional moment, but it's not clear what they're thinking or feeling. Consider adding a line of dialogue or a visual element to help the audience understand their emotions.
  • The scene is well-written overall, but it could be improved by adding more conflict, tension, and emotion. Consider adding some more dialogue between the characters to give them more depth and motivation.
  • The scene is also a bit too long. Consider cutting some of the dialogue to make it more concise and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more active or engaging action, such as Kroc pacing furiously in his office or Mac and Dick arguing.
  • Expand the dialogue between Mac and Dick to give the audience a better understanding of their characters and motivations.
  • Add a line of dialogue to explain Kroc's frustration at the beginning of the scene.
  • Add some more conflict or tension to the scene between Kroc and Sonneborn.
  • Cut some of the dialogue in the conference room scene to make it more concise.
  • Add a line of dialogue or a visual element to help the audience understand Mac and Dick's emotions at the end of the scene.



Scene 39 -  Kroc Reveals His Purchase of the McDonald's Name
INT. MEN’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc is at the urinal in the law office’s men’s room. He
flushes, heads to the sink to wash his hands.

The rest room door opens. In walks Dick. He freezes at the
sight of Kroc. Kroc smiles amiably at him in the mirror.

RAY KROC
Hello, Dick.

ON DICK-- gazing searchingly at Kroc.

DICK MCDONALD
I just have to ask you one thing.
Something I’ve never understood.

RAY KROC
Alright.

DICK MCDONALD
That day we met, when we gave you
the tour.

RAY KROC
What about it?

DICK MCDONALD
We showed you everything. The whole
system, all our secrets. We were an
open book.
(Kroc nods)
So why didn’t you just--

RAY KROC
Rip you off? Run off and start my
own place using your ideas?
(Dick nods)
Because it would have failed.

DICK MCDONALD
How do you know?

RAY KROC
Am I the only one who ever got the
kitchen tour? I bet you invited
loads of people back there.
Countless would-be burger barons
looking to replicate your success.

DICK MCDONALD
And?
107.


RAY KROC
How many succeeded?

DICK MCDONALD
Lots of people started restaurants.

RAY KROC
Bigger than McDonald’s?
(Dick is silent)
Of course not. No one has and no
one ever will. Because they all
lack that one thing that makes
McDonald’s special.

DICK MCDONALD
Which is...

RAY KROC
Even you don’t know!

DICK MCDONALD
Enlighten me.

RAY KROC
It’s not just the system. It’s the
name.

Dick doesn’t follow.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
That name. That glorious name.
McDonald. It’s wide open.
Limitless. It could be anything,
whatever you want it to be. It
sounds like... America.
(BEAT)
Compare that to, oh, say, Kroc. Now
there’s a real lemon. Kroc. What a
crock. Load of crock. Crock of
shit. Would you eat at a place
called Kroc’s? It’s enough to make
you lose your appetite, a blunt,
Slavic thing like that. But
McDonald’s, now that’s a name. A
fine, handsome, all-American name.
That’s a winner’s name, the name of
somebody who’s got the world by the
tail. A man named McDonald is never
going to get pushed around in life.

DICK MCDONALD
That’s clearly not the case.
108.


RAY KROC
So you don’t have a check for $1.35
million in your pocket?

Dick is silenced.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
That’s the mistake your competitors
made. All those would-be imitators.
They assumed they could simply take
your system, slap on some name like
Hamburger Hamlet or Roscoe’s, and
presto! Instant success! Not me, I
wasn’t so arrogant. I knew there’s
no beating a name like McDonald’s.

DICK MCDONALD
And if you can’t beat ‘em...

RAY KROC
Buy ‘em.

Dick chuckles in disgust.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
I’ll never forget the first time I
saw that name stretched across the
front of your stand. It was love at
first sight. From that moment, I
knew I just had to have it. And now
I do.

DICK MCDONALD
You don’t “have” it.

RAY KROC
You sure about that?

Kroc throws him an unnerving smile.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the men's room of a law office, Ray Kroc and Dick have a serious conversation about the McDonald's business. Dick questions why Kroc didn't steal their ideas and business model, to which Kroc explains that it wouldn't have succeeded without the McDonald's name. Kroc then reveals that he has bought the McDonald's name for $1.35 million. The scene ends with Kroc throwing an unnerving smile at Dick, who is silenced by Kroc's revelation. Ray Kroc is amiable and confident, while Dick is initially somber and later becomes skeptical and dismissive.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense dialogue and a deep exploration of character motivations. It sets the stage for a pivotal moment in the story and keeps the audience captivated throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around the power dynamics and strategic maneuvering between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers. It effectively showcases Kroc's calculated approach to achieving his goals.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as Kroc's intentions and motivations are laid bare. The tension between the characters escalates, setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of ambition and betrayal in the business world, with a focus on the power of branding and identity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Ray Kroc portrayed as a cunning and ambitious individual, while Dick McDonald is shown as skeptical and resentful. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the dynamics between the characters shift as their true intentions and motivations are revealed. This sets the stage for potential changes in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to justify his actions and decisions to himself and the other character. He wants to prove that he made the right choice in pursuing his goals, even if it meant betraying others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to assert his dominance and control over the situation, showing that he is in charge and has achieved success through his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers is palpable, with underlying tensions and power struggles coming to the forefront. The scene is filled with confrontations and reveals the high stakes involved.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the conflict between the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers engage in a battle of wills over the future of the McDonald's name. The outcome of their conflict will have far-reaching consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing key information about the characters' motivations and intentions. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the conversation and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and ambition. The protagonist values success and achievement over loyalty and honesty, leading to a clash of values with the other character.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to resentment to defiance. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is the standout element of the scene, with sharp exchanges that reveal the characters' true intentions and emotions. It is confrontational, reflective, and drives the conflict forward effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue and conflict between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflict resolution, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ray Kroc and Dick McDonald in the men's room is well-written and captures the tension and animosity between the two characters. However, the scene could be improved by adding more visual elements to create a more dynamic and engaging experience for the reader.
  • The scene could be more visually descriptive. For example, you could describe the men's room in more detail, including the fixtures, the lighting, and the overall atmosphere. You could also describe the characters' body language and facial expressions to give the reader a better sense of their emotions and motivations.
  • The scene could be more concise. Some of the dialogue could be cut without losing any of the important information. For example, Kroc's long speech about the name "McDonald's" could be shortened without losing any of its impact.
  • The scene could be more impactful by adding a stronger sense of closure. For example, you could have Kroc and McDonald shake hands or exchange a look that conveys their newfound understanding of each other.
Suggestions
  • Add more visual elements to the scene to create a more dynamic and engaging experience for the reader.
  • Describe the men's room in more detail, including the fixtures, the lighting, and the overall atmosphere.
  • Describe the characters' body language and facial expressions to give the reader a better sense of their emotions and motivations.
  • Cut some of the dialogue to make the scene more concise.
  • Add a stronger sense of closure to the scene, such as having Kroc and McDonald shake hands or exchange a look that conveys their newfound understanding of each other.



Scene 40 -  The Name Change: A Power Play in the Fast Food Industry
EXT. MCDONALD’S (SAN BERNARDINO) - DAY

ANGLE ON the McDonald’s sign in front of the restaurant.

PAN DOWN TO... Dick and Mac with Kroc’s lawyers, listening
like they’re being read their Miranda rights.
109.


KROC LAWYER
As per the terms of your agreement,
while you are entitled to maintain
ownership of this location, you no
longer have the right to call it
McDonald’s, McDonald or any other
such variation so as to create
confusion or infringe upon the
McDonald’s trademark which is now
the exclusive intellectual property
of Mr. Raymond A. Kroc.

DISSOLVE TO:

Workers dismantling the McDonald’s sign. The brothers watch
helplessly as their name is removed from their own store.

DISSOLVE TO:

A new sign going up in its place. With a new name--

THE BIG M

Below this, it says, with a whiff of desperation:

“WE HAVE BEEN HERE 23 YEARS!”

The sign is as close to a McDonald’s marquee as is legally
possible, but it’s just not McDonald’s. It’s heartbreaking.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET, where we see...

A NEW MCDONALD’S under construction. A hard-hatted Kroc is on
site, watching as the signature Golden Arches go up.

YOUNG MAN (O.S.)
Mr. Kroc?

A YOUNG MAN comes over, slightly nervous to approach.

YOUNG MAN (CONT’D)
My name is Will Davis. I’m a
reporter for the Los Angeles Times.
I’m interested in doing a profile
of you pegged to the opening of
your hundredth location here.

A BEAT as Kroc thinks it over.

RAY KROC
Call my office. They’ll set it up.

He reaches into the breast pocket of his sport coat.
110.


RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Here’s my card.

He hands a BUSINESS CARD to the reporter. He looks at it.

ANGLE ON card. Beneath a McDonald’s logo, it says, simply:

RAY KROC – FOUNDER
We hold on this for a long BEAT.

RAY KROC (PRE-LAP) (CONT’D)
Now, I know what you’re thinking...
Genres: ["Drama","Biography"]

Summary In this heartbreaking scene for Dick and Mac, Kroc's lawyers force the brothers to remove the McDonald's sign from their store and replace it with 'The Big M'. Meanwhile, Kroc is constructing a new McDonald's nearby and gets approached by a young reporter named Will Davis for a profile. The power dynamic between Kroc and the brothers is evident as the brothers are helplessly watching their store's name being dismantled and replaced. The scene ends with Kroc's triumphant agreement to a profile with the reporter and his new McDonald's under construction.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Powerful conflict
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution for the McDonald brothers' storyline

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and the power shift between the characters. The conflict is palpable, and the stakes are high, making it a compelling moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rebranding and corporate takeover is central to the scene, driving the plot forward and revealing the characters' motivations and actions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Ray Kroc takes control of the McDonald's brand and rebrands the restaurant, leading to a major turning point in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the corporate takeover narrative by focusing on the emotional impact on the original owners of a successful business. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and reactions are well portrayed, especially the helplessness of the McDonald brothers and the determination of Ray Kroc. Their conflicting motivations drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly the McDonald brothers who must come to terms with losing control of their business.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is likely to protect their legacy and maintain their identity as the original owners of McDonald's. This reflects their deeper need for recognition, fear of losing their life's work, and desire to preserve their family business.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to fight against Ray Kroc's takeover of their business and maintain some form of control or recognition in the face of losing their name and brand.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the McDonald brothers and Ray Kroc reaches a peak in this scene, with high stakes and emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing legal challenges, emotional turmoil, and the threat of losing their business to a powerful corporate figure.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the McDonald brothers face the loss of their business and Ray Kroc solidifies his control over the McDonald's brand.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing a major development in the plot and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the emotional impact of losing the business, and the introduction of a new conflict with the reporter's arrival.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between traditional family-owned businesses and corporate takeover, challenging the protagonist's beliefs in hard work, dedication, and the value of their legacy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, helplessness, and defiance, making it a memorable and impactful moment in the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and power dynamics between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, the conflict between characters, and the visual storytelling that draws the audience into the protagonist's struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to feel the impact of the protagonist's loss and the looming threat of corporate takeover.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional stakes through the unfolding events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and effectively conveys the emotional impact of the situation on the McDonald brothers. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:
  • The dialogue could be more concise and impactful. Some of the lines are a bit long and could be shortened without losing any of the meaning.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The description of the McDonald's sign being removed and replaced is a bit bland. It could be made more vivid by using more specific and evocative language.
  • The scene could be more emotionally resonant. The audience should be able to feel the sense of loss and betrayal that the McDonald brothers are experiencing.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the dialogue and making the remaining lines more concise and impactful.
  • Use more specific and evocative language to describe the McDonald's sign being removed and replaced.
  • Add more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the characters' inner thoughts and feelings.



Scene 41 -  Ray Kroc's Reflection on Success
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - DAY

A lavish, gated MANSION. A BLACK LIMOUSINE pulls into the
driveway.


INT. MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

A tuxedo-clad Ray Kroc stands before a mirror, stack of index
cards in hand. He’s 68 now; it’s nine years later, 1970.

RAY KROC
How the heck does an over-the-hill
52-year-old milkshake-machine
salesman build a fast-food empire
with 1,600 restaurants in 50 states
and five foreign countries, with
annual revenues in the neighborhood
of $700 million? It’s quite simple:
persistence.

He turns to the next card.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Nothing in the world can take the
place of good old persistence.
Talent won’t. Nothing’s more common
than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius won’t. Unrecognized genius
is practically a cliché.

His words have a familiar ring... They’re lifted straight
from “The Power Of The Positive” by Dr. Clarence Floyd Nelson
(the record from the beginning of the movie), with just a bit
of rephrasing to make it “his own”.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Education won’t. The world is full
of educated fools.
(MORE)
111.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Persistence and determination alone
are all-powerful.

He pauses a beat to let his words of wisdom sink in.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
There’s no obstacle under the sun
that can’t be overcome with honest
hard work and determination. It’s
these core principles that enabled
me to rise to the top of the heap
at a point in life when most men
would be thinking about retirement.
(glances to side, sly
grin)
We appear to have that in common,
Mr. Governor.

He pauses for laughter.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
You were, what, 55 when you started
in politics? Why, you make me look
like a spring chicken!

Another pause for laughter.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Look at us, a couple of small-town
Illinois boys made good. Only in
America...

He continues talking to Mr. Governor off to the side--

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
By the way, thank you for that
splendid introduction. To be named
California Chamber of Commerce Man
of The Year is thrill enough, but
to be presented the award by my
dear friend and golf buddy Ronald
Reagan, well, that’s just the
cherry on the sundae.

He turns to the next index card.

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
Now where was I? Ah, yes, the
beginning. The year was 1954. The
place, Des Plaines, Illinois.
That’s where it all started. Right
there on Lee Street--
112.


JOAN KROC (O.S.)
The car’s out front.

Joan Smith, now Joan Kroc, comes up behind him.

RAY KROC
(to her reflection)
Be right down.

She nods, exits the room.

Kroc looks down at the card in his hand, finding his place:

IT ALL STARTED. RIGHT THERE ON LEE STREET... MCDONALD’S #1

RAY KROC (CONT’D)
--McDonald’s #1.

Kroc’s eyes linger on those words on the card: MCDONALD’S #1.

He looks up, stares at himself in the mirror for a long BEAT.

As he takes in his reflection, we detect a flicker of
something on his face. Regret? Guilt?...

It may have just been our imagination.

He tucks the index cards in his pocket, stands up.
Genres: ["Biography","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, 68-year-old Ray Kroc stands in the master bedroom of his lavish Beverly Hills mansion, reflecting on his success with the McDonald's franchise. He recites lines from 'The Power Of The Positive' about persistence and determination, while his wife, Joan Kroc, informs him that the car is outside. Ray looks at an index card that reads 'McDonald's #1' and stares at his reflection, possibly with a flicker of regret. The tone is reflective and nostalgic, with a hint of irony as Ray quotes from 'The Power Of The Positive' and compares himself to 'an over-the-hill 52-year-old milkshake-machine salesman'. The scene ends with Ray tucking the index cards in his pocket and standing up, ready to leave the mansion.
Strengths
  • Effective use of dialogue for introspection
  • Deepening character development through reflection
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant external conflict
  • Limited interaction with other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures Ray Kroc's introspective moment and provides insight into his character and journey. The use of index cards and reflective dialogue adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of persistence and reflection is well-executed, providing a deeper understanding of Ray Kroc's character and motivations.

Plot: 7

While the plot mainly focuses on Ray Kroc's reflection and introspection, it adds depth to his character development and sets the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to success and reflection, with a mix of humor and seriousness. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ray Kroc's character is well-developed through his introspective dialogue and actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Ray Kroc undergoes a subtle internal change through his introspection and reflection on his journey.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reflect on his past achievements and success, while also potentially grappling with feelings of regret or guilt. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition, as well as his fear of losing his status or reputation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to attend an event and give a speech, showcasing his success and receiving an award. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his public image and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict but focuses more on introspection and character development.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not very strong, as the protagonist's challenges are more internal and reflective. The audience is unsure of how he will resolve his emotions, adding a layer of unpredictability.

High Stakes: 4

The scene does not involve high stakes but focuses more on character introspection and reflection.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides insight into Ray Kroc's past and mindset, setting the stage for future events in the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the protagonist's internal conflict and the potential for unexpected revelations or emotions. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of success and hard work against potential feelings of regret or guilt. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the value of persistence and determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia, reflection, and a mix of positive and resigned emotions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is reflective, introspective, and impactful, providing insight into Ray Kroc's mindset and journey.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, introspective moments, and the protagonist's complex emotions. The blend of humor and seriousness keeps the audience interested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing reflection and interaction, humor and seriousness. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, development, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • Lack of Action: Scene 41 is primarily an internal monologue of Ray Kroc reflecting on his success and quoting motivational lines from a record. While it provides insight into his character, there is minimal action or dialogue, which can make it somewhat static and less engaging for the audience.
  • Repetitive Dialogue: Ray Kroc's monologues in this scene heavily rely on quotes from a motivational record, which he repeats verbatim. While the quotes may have significance for Kroc, their repetition can become monotonous and lose their impact.
  • Lack of Emotional Connection: The scene lacks emotional depth and connection to the audience. While Kroc's success is presented as triumphant, it doesn't fully convey the struggles, sacrifices, or emotions involved in his journey.
  • Abrupt Ending: The scene ends abruptly with Kroc staring at himself in the mirror, leaving the audience with a sense of inconclusiveness. It would benefit from a resolution or follow-up to provide closure and a stronger impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Action or Dialogue: Adding more action or dialogue to the scene would enhance its dynamics. This could involve interactions with other characters, flashbacks to significant moments in Kroc's journey, or physical actions that reflect his emotional state.
  • Vary the Dialogue: Instead of relying solely on quotes from the record, have Kroc express his thoughts and reflections in a more natural and varied manner. This would make his internal monologue more engaging and relatable.
  • Explore Emotional Depth: Delve deeper into Kroc's emotional journey by exploring his motivations, fears, and the sacrifices he made along the way. This would add depth to his character and resonate with the audience.
  • Provide a Clear Resolution: Conclude the scene with a stronger sense of closure. This could involve a reaction from Kroc, a resolution to a conflict, or a transition to a new chapter in his life.



Scene 42 -  A Content and Affectionate Ride Home
INT. LIMOUSINE - MOMENTS LATER

Kroc and Joan Smith (now JOAN KROC) ride in the back of a
stretch limo. She’s in a powder-blue gown, draped in diamonds
and pearls.

LIMO DRIVER
Comfortable, Mr. Kroc?

An air conditioning vent blows cool air on Kroc.

RAY KROC
Oh, yes.
(placid)
Very.

CAMERA slowly pushes in on Kroc’s face as he rides in
silence. He looks at Joan, smiles.

He indeed seems comfortable. Very.

FADE TO BLACK.
113.


POSTSCRIPT:

Ray Kroc’s San Bernardino McDonald’s was an instant hit,
drawing customers away from The Big M across the street,
forcing it to close. The McDonald brothers were driven out of
business by a McDonald’s.

Kroc later reneged on the handshake deal for the one percent
cut of royalties. The brothers never received a cent. Today,
that one percent would be worth $200 million annually. Each.

From the moment Kroc took ownership, his business card listed
his title as “Founder”. Until his death decades later, calls
to McDonald’s headquarters asking the origin of the name were
told it was made up.

Kroc married Joan Smith in 1969. They remained together until
his death in 1984.

In 1971, Mac died of diabetes-related illness. His brother
Dick passed away in 1998.

Harry Sonneborn and Ray Kroc had a falling out in 1967.
Sonneborn sold all his shares in McDonald’s and never spoke
to Kroc again.

Thanks to Sonneborn’s idea, McDonald’s is today the largest
owner of real estate in the world.
FOR YOUR CO N S I D E R AT I O N

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Robert Siegel




www.TWCAwards.com
Genres: ["Biography","Drama"]

Summary Ray and Joan Kroc ride in a limousine after an event, appearing comfortable and content. Kroc smiles at his wife and responds to the limo driver's question about his comfort. The scene is calm, content, and affectionate, and ends with a fade to black.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively wraps up the story with a reflective tone, providing closure to the narrative and leaving a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflecting on past decisions and their consequences is well-executed, adding depth to the character of Ray Kroc and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot ties up loose ends and resolves the conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers, leading to a satisfying conclusion.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh perspective on the character of Ray Kroc and his relationships, offering a nuanced portrayal of success and ambition.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ray Kroc, are well-developed and their growth throughout the story is evident in this scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ray Kroc undergoes a significant change in perspective and understanding, leading to a moment of reflection and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ray Kroc's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of comfort and contentment, despite potential underlying tensions or uncertainties. This reflects his desire to appear successful and in control.

External Goal: 7

Ray Kroc's external goal in this scene is to project an image of success and confidence to Joan Kroc and the limo driver. This reflects his need to maintain his reputation and status.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a resolution to the conflict between Ray Kroc and the McDonald brothers, the tension is still present, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, adding a layer of complexity to Ray Kroc's interactions and goals.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high in terms of the emotional impact on the characters and the consequences of their actions, but the resolution is more introspective than action-driven.

Story Forward: 6

The scene serves as an epilogue, wrapping up the story and providing closure to the narrative without introducing new plot points.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in its portrayal of Ray Kroc's internal struggles and the contrast between appearance and reality.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the facade of success and comfort that Ray Kroc presents and the reality of his business dealings and relationships. This challenges his values of honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as it delves into themes of regret, loss, and the price of success.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is reflective and poignant, capturing the emotional weight of the scene and the characters' inner turmoil.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and emotional depth conveyed through the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of quiet reflection and tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character interaction and development, with a clear focus on Ray Kroc's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The ending comes very abruptly after setting up for an emotional scene. It feels unsatisfying and does not give proper weight to the scene's prior content.
  • The inner monologue of the character is very on the nose and lacks subtext. The audience can already infer the character's feelings and thoughts from the dialogue and stage directions, so the internal monologue is repetitive.
  • The scene lacks any sort of conflict or tension, making it feel very static and boring. The audience needs something to keep them engaged, and without any sort of conflict or tension, there's no reason for the audience to care about what's happening.
  • The dialogue is very dry and expository, with no real attempt to make it sound natural or conversational. This makes the scene feel artificial and uninvolving.
  • The scene's beginning sets up a tone of regret, questioning what the character could have done to change the past. However, the scene quickly goes on to a different, unrelated subject, and never returns to the original tone, which feels disjointed.
  • The close-up on the character's face at the end of the scene is unnecessary and visually uninteresting. It does not add anything to the scene and simply serves to draw attention to the actor's face.
Suggestions
  • Experiment with different ways to end the scene, such as using a voiceover or a freeze-frame to linger on the character's expression.
  • Revise the inner monologue to be more subtle and nuanced. For example, instead of having the character explicitly state that they regret their past actions, you could have them recall a specific moment that they feel guilty about.
  • Introduce some sort of conflict or tension into the scene, such as having the character confront their past actions or having them make a difficult decision.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it sound more natural and conversational. For example, instead of having the character say, "I've made many mistakes in my life," you could have them say, "I've lived a long and eventful life, and I've had my share of regrets."
  • Add more depth and texture to the scene by including additional details or elements. For example, you could have the character look at a specific object that reminds them of their past or have them hear a particular sound that triggers a memory.
  • Try shooting the close-up on the character's face from a different angle or using a different lens to make it more visually interesting.