Mind Hunter

Executive Summary

Overview

Genres: Output:, Crime, Drama, Thriller

Setting: 1977, Pittsburgh

Overview: Mind Hunter is a gripping and intense script that follows FBI agent Holden Ford as he delves into the minds of criminals and challenges traditional law enforcement methods. The story begins with Holden's arrival at the FBI Training Academy and his encounters with a distressed individual and a brutal murder case. As the script progresses, Holden forms a complex relationship with his girlfriend Debbie and his mentor Bill Tench, while also facing personal and professional challenges. The script explores themes of communication, mental health, law enforcement, relationships, and trauma. It takes the audience on a journey through the dark and mysterious world of criminal psychology, leaving them intrigued and wanting more.

Themes: Communication and Connection, Mental Health and Emotional Struggles, Law Enforcement and Criminal Psychology, Relationships and Intimacy, Trauma and its Effects

Conflict and Stakes: The primary conflicts in this story include the Negotiator's struggle to establish communication with Cody and Holden's attempt to de-escalate the situation. The stakes are high as the Negotiator and Holden are trying to prevent a tragic outcome.

Overall Mood: Tense and suspenseful

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

Standout Features:

  • Exploration of criminal psychology: The screenplay delves into the minds of criminals and the psychological aspects of their behavior.
  • Tense and suspenseful scenes: The screenplay features scenes that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats.
  • Complex and compelling characters: The screenplay presents characters with depth and complexity, making them relatable and engaging.

Comparable Scripts:

  • Mindhunter (TV Show)
  • Zodiac (Movie)
  • True Detective (TV Show)
  • Se7en (Movie)
  • Silence of the Lambs (Movie)
  • Heat (Movie)
  • Training Day (Movie)
  • Gone Girl (Movie)
  • The Departed (Movie)
  • The Wire (TV Show)
  • American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson (TV Show)
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Book/Movie)
  • Prisoners (Movie)
  • The Killing (TV Show)
  • The Silence of the Lambs (Book)

Writing Style:

The overall writing style of the screenplay is characterized by sharp and fast-paced dialogue, exploration of complex themes, and a focus on tension and suspense.

Style Similarities:

  • Aaron Sorkin
  • David Fincher
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Consider


Explanation: The screenplay shows promise in its exploration of criminal psychology and profiling, with strong scenes that effectively set up the premise and introduce thought-provoking themes. The use of unconventional behavior and the introduction of intriguing characters add depth to the story. However, there is room for improvement in developing emotional impact, creating more conflict and obstacles, and providing clearer context and resolutions for certain scenes. The character arcs of Holden Ford, Cody Miller, Debbie, and Bill Tench show potential, but could benefit from further exploration and depth. Overall, the screenplay has a solid foundation but would benefit from further refinement and development to fully engage and captivate the audience.


USP: The Unique Selling Proposition in this screenplay is the exploration of the clash between traditional law enforcement methods and the emerging field of criminal psychology. It highlights the importance of practical knowledge and the need to update investigative techniques. The script also delves into the FBI recruitment process and the dynamics between the main characters, providing a unique voice and perspective on the subject matter. With its tense negotiation scenes, unexpected twists, and psychological tactics, this script offers a compelling and distinctive storytelling experience that sets it apart from others in its genre. It will be of interest to its target audience by offering a fresh and thought-provoking take on crime investigation and the human psyche.
Market Analaysis

Budget Estimate:$10-15 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, fans of crime dramas and psychological thrillers

Marketability: The screenplay explores compelling themes and features tense and suspenseful scenes that will attract fans of crime dramas and psychological thrillers.

The screenplay has a unique blend of genres, including crime drama and psychological thriller, which will appeal to a wide audience.

The screenplay features strong and complex characters, which will attract audiences looking for character-driven stories.

Profit Potential: Moderate to high, due to the strong appeal to a wide adult audience and potential for critical acclaim and awards.

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice throughout the screenplay is concise, focused, and realistic. They use dialogue and narrative description to create tension, explore complex themes, and develop the characters. The writer's voice is characterized by a blend of seriousness and humor, as well as a strong emphasis on dialogue-driven scenes.

Best representation: Scene 3 - Negotiation Gone Awry. This scene is the best representation of the author's voice because it showcases their ability to create vivid and evocative imagery, realistic dialogue, and explore complex internal conflicts.

Memorable Lines:

  • CODY: You can see me, right? (Scene 1)
  • Holden: How good is the book? (Scene 3)
  • Wilson: These people... are people. (Scene 4)
  • Holden: Complicated, right? Always expect 'complicated.' (Scene 12)
  • McGraw: There’s nothing. There’s nothing people won’t do to each other. (Scene 18)
Characters

The Negotiator:A skilled negotiator trying to establish communication with Cody

Cody:A person inside the abandoned warehouse, being communicated with by the Negotiator

Agent Holden Ford:An FBI agent who arrives at the scene and tries to de-escalate the situation

Cody's wife Sissy:Cody's wife who arrives at the scene

Shepard:Holden's Unit Chief at the FBI

Debbie:Holden's love interest and a source of support

Story Shape
Summary The movie follows Holden Ford, an FBI negotiator, as he attempts to establish a connection with a man holding a shotgun, Cody Miller. As tension rises, Cody unexpectedly strips naked, leaving Holden confused. They eventually talk, but the scene ends with a gunshot. Throughout the movie, Holden explores the importance of psychology in criminal investigations and teaches FBI trainees and local police officers about hostage negotiation techniques. He also engages in a flirtatious relationship with a woman named Debbie and debates the relevancy of academic research with his superior, Shepard, and a criminal psychology professor, Leo. Holden and Bill Tench, a Behavioral Science agent, teach a class of skeptical police officers and detectives about the importance of understanding the psychology of criminals to solve crimes. The movie ends with Holden and Tench feeling unsettled and unsure of their abilities to solve a murder case.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of the screenplay is engaging and has potential. The scenes are well-written and the characters are developed. The conflicts and emotional tones are effectively portrayed. However, there are some areas that could be improved to enhance the story. The first scene lacks conflict and could benefit from more tension. Additionally, the scene transitions could be smoother to create a more cohesive narrative. The character arcs are well-established, but some of the conflicts are not fully resolved, leaving the audience wanting more closure. The dialogue is generally strong, but there are moments where it could be more impactful and memorable. Overall, the story has potential but could benefit from further development and refinement.
Suggestions: To improve the story, consider adding more conflicts and tension in the scenes to create a more engaging narrative. Smooth out the transitions between scenes to create a more cohesive story. Ensure that all conflicts are fully resolved to provide closure for the audience. Strengthen the dialogue to make it more impactful and memorable. Consider adding more visual elements and actions to enhance the visual storytelling. Finally, continue to develop and refine the character arcs to make them more compelling and relatable.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - Negotiation tense, serious 7 6 54 7 378674554 66998
2 - Negotiation at the Warehouse Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic 8 7 85 7 687989877 89998
3 - Negotiation Gone Awry Tense, Confused, Shocking 8 7 86 7 787979878 78898
4 - Negotiation Gone Awry Tense, Confused, Shocking 8 7 86 7 787979868 67898
5 - Negotiation Gone Awry Tense, Confusing, Shocking 8 7 86 7 787949858 67898
6 - Holden's Encounter at the Bar Tense, Confused, Shocking 8 7 66 9 587453576 89898
7 - Bar Conversation Tense, Intellectual, Flirtatious 8 7 66 8 386463575 99898
8 - Intimate Conversation Tense, Flirtatious, Mysterious 7 6 56 8 386362454 77898
9 - FBI Training and Academic Discussion Tense, Serious 8 8 78 8 687776866 97898
10 - Recruitment and Dialogue Intense, Serious, Confrontational 8 8 77 9 687876776 99898
11 - Flirtatious Conversation and Intimacy Flirtatious, Casual, Playful 8 7 64 9 686423537 89787
12 - Hostage Negotiation Training Intense, Educational, Engaging 8 8 77 7 587685776 88899
13 - Training and Recruitment Intense, Serious, Tense 8 7 86 9 687676867 88998
14 - Recruitment and Connection Serious, Intimate, Tense 8 7 74 8 586564756 77898
15 - FBI Training Session in Fairfield Intense, Serious, Informative 7 8 66 6 387574664 57898
16 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department Serious, Humorous 7 8 78 7 487665775 89899
17 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department Serious, Intense, Controversial 8 8 77 7 687887776 89898
18 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department Tense, Dark, Emotive 8 8 76 8 687877877 99898
19 - The Dark Abyss Suspenseful, Intense, Serious 8 7 96 8 787998877 99898
20 - Doubt and Desperation Serious, Intense, Reflective 8 8 77 9 787675677 89898


Scene 1 - Negotiation
MINDHUNTER (EPISODE 1.)



Written by


Joe Penhall


Based on the book

"Mindhunter"
By John Douglas




Blue Working Draft




Copyright 2015 Netflix Studios, LLC
No reproduction, distribution, transmission or dissemination
in any manner without prior written approval from Netflix Studios, LLC.
Black screen.

TITLE: PITTSBURGH, 1977.

Under BLACK, a voice through a BULLHORN:

NEGOTIATOR (O.O.V)
Mr Miller?

CODY (O.O.V)
You can see me, right?
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary A negotiator attempts to communicate with Mr. Miller, while Cody asks if he can be seen.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of characters and setting
  • Tension created through negotiation
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot and character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively sets the tone for the series and introduces the main characters, but lacks significant plot or character development.


Story Content

Concept: 6

The concept of a crime drama centered around criminal profiling is intriguing, but not fully explored in this scene.

Plot: 5

The plot is minimal in this scene, serving mainly to introduce the characters and setting.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low, as it primarily serves as an introduction to the story and does not present any unique situations or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not fully explored in this short scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced effectively and their personalities are hinted at through their dialogue.

Character Changes: 3

There is little character development in this scene.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, as the scene is very short and primarily serves as an introduction to the story. However, based on the dialogue, it can be inferred that the protagonist, Mr. Miller, wants to be seen and acknowledged by Cody, the person speaking through the bullhorn. This reflects a deeper need for recognition and validation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to establish communication with Cody, who is speaking through the bullhorn. The immediate circumstances and challenge the protagonist is facing is the need to establish control and defuse the potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The negotiation creates tension, but there is no significant conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is relatively strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of establishing control and defusing a potentially dangerous situation. The audience is unsure of how the negotiation will go and what obstacles the protagonist will encounter.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters and setting.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the outcome of the negotiation and the resolution of the situation are not revealed in this short scene. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

There is little emotional impact in this scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional, serving mainly to establish the characters and setting.

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces a tense and potentially dangerous situation, capturing the audience's attention. The concise dialogue and focused action also contribute to the scene's engagement.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of urgency and tension. The concise dialogue and focused action keep the scene moving at a fast pace, capturing the audience's attention.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard screenplay formatting conventions, including character names in all caps and dialogue in proper format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a title indicating the location and year, followed by a brief description of the setting, and then the dialogue between the negotiator and Cody.


Critique
  • The scene lacks any significant visual elements or actions, making it feel stagnant and uninteresting.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is tense, but this is not conveyed through any actions or dialogue.
  • The dialogue is limited to the Negotiator asking for Cody, which is not enough to sustain the audience's interest.
  • The lack of conflict in the scene makes it feel like a filler rather than a meaningful part of the story.
  • The scene does not establish any clear stakes or goals for the characters, making it difficult for the audience to invest in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding some visual elements or actions to convey the tense emotional tone of the scene.
  • Add some conflict to the scene to make it more engaging and meaningful.
  • Establish clear stakes and goals for the characters in the scene to give the audience a reason to invest in it.
  • Consider adding more dialogue to the scene to give it more substance and depth.



Scene 2 - Negotiation at the Warehouse
1 EXT. WAREHOUSE/PITTSBURGH OUTSKIRTS - DAY 1

Ominous-looking abandoned warehouse on the industrial side of
town -- forbidding red brick walls, loading stage, broken
windows, graffiti and a gray yard full of weeds, potholes and
puddles.

Two POLICE PATROL CARS and a POLICE SWAT VEHICLE parked up on
adjoining street, 30 yards from the entrance of the
warehouse.

Further down the block, another POLICE PATROL CAR is parked
up blocking the road and there are BYSTANDERS gathering to
watch.

A fourth POLICE PATROL CAR speeds into view, SIREN on and
comes to a sudden halt TWO UNIFORMED OFFICERS get out.

More BYSTANDERS appear and come over, attracted by the SIREN.

Half a dozen UNIFORMED OFFICERS already guard the perimeter
of the space, sealing it off. Another half dozen UNIFORMED
POLICE wait near the vehicles, smoking, watching and waiting,
some talking quietly.

The five members of the POLICE SWAT team wait by their
vehicle, wearing police uniforms, bullet proof vests and
rudimentary helmets -- their carbines already loaded and
checked.

An AMBULANCE crawls along the adjacent street and stops by
the POLICE PATROL CAR road block.

A POLICE MARKSMAN is on the roof of a building on the street
opposite, rifle trained on the warehouse door.

A POLICE NEGOTIATOR, NANKERVIS, in his 50’s, stands in no
man’s land between the vehicles and the entrance.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 2.


An unmarked car with two men in it pulls up at the perimeter.
One man gets out -- SPECIAL AGENT HOLDEN FORD, 29, dark suit,
tie, short back and sides -- unassuming, open, he’s the
youngest there.

He shows his badge discretely and nods to the POLICE SWAT
team -- not into playing high status.

HOLDEN.
Guys... how you doing? Holden Ford
from the FBI...

The POLICE NEGOTIATOR and other COPS eye him warily has he
approaches with his badge out.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Hey. Holden Ford. FBI.

One middle-aged UNIFORMED COP nudges another one, intrigued.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Holden Ford. FBI. You need some *
help? *

NANKERVIS.
Nankervis. We’re getting by.

HOLDEN.
Is he talking?

NANKERVIS.
Not making a whole lot of sense.

NANKERVIS eyes the much younger HOLDEN in his immaculate
suit, a little territorial.

On that, an iron door swings open and in the doorway of the
warehouse stands CODY MILLER, in his thirties, wired-looking,
carrying a shotgun in one hand and tugging at his belt with
the other.

The SWAT team surreptitiously moved into position and train
their weapons on MILLER -- it all happens quietly and slowly.

The other COPS tense up, stop stretching, pay attention.

NANKERVIS steps back out of the line of fire, picking up the
bull horn again.

NANKERVIS. (CONT’D)
Take it easy Mr Miller.

CODY.
Tell me you can see me.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 3.


NANKERVIS.
I can see that shotgun.

CODY.
I’m going to show you something.

NANKERVIS.
What are you going to show us?

Now all the weapons are trained on him, he jerks about trying
to undo his belt and pants. Nobody knows what he’s about to
do and the assembled cops start to murmur and fret.

NANKERVIS. (CONT’D)
What are you doing? What’s he
doing?

HOLDEN FORD steps in.

HOLDEN.
Maybe don’t use the bull horn. *

NANKERVIS.
Huh?

HOLDEN.
Do me a favour and don’t use the
bull horn -- just talk to him.

NANKERVIS.
Is it a problem?

HOLDEN.
Might freak him out. *

NANKERVIS.
What?

HOLDEN.
He’s forty feet away. You don’t *
need it. *

A couple of UNIFORMED COPS exchange glances at this.

CODY.
Hey. You’re not listening...

NANKERVIS switches off the horn, discards it.

CODY. (CONT’D)
I’m going to give you something to
think about.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 4.


HOLDEN.
Cody, Holden Ford, FBI. I’m here to
help.

CODY.
G-Man? I‘m going to give you
something to chew on, G-Man.

CODY gets his belt off and drops his pants. The assembled men
react, surprised, some grin. “What?” “What the fuck?” Etc.

HOLDEN tries to stay focussed, smiles uncertainly.

HOLDEN.
Okay... *

CODY strips off his lumber jacket, shirt, vest.

NEGOTIATOR.
Put your fucking shirt on, Miller.

HOLDEN.
May I talk to him? *

NEGOTIATOR. *
Be my guest. *

CODY.
Are you fixing to shoot me?

HOLDEN.
Nobody’s going to shoot anybody,
Cody.

CODY.
That’s right you’re not. Because
you can’t shoot what you can’t see.

CODY kicks off his shoes, jeans, pants, socks, still holding
his shotgun. He’s naked. A few people snigger or smile,
bemused.

The SWAT team inch forward, looking to HOLDEN to check if
this is the moment to take him.

HOLDEN.
Fellas? Could you just step back
please? Thank you.

CODY.
You see this?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 4A.


HOLDEN.
We see you Cody... don’t you
worry...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 5.


CODY.
What do you see? Tell me what you
see.

HOLDEN.
I can see that you’re naked.
You wanna put your pants back on?
Aren’t you cold?

CODY stares a moment, wrong-footed by HOLDEN’s sincerity.

NANKERVIS subtly makes a face or shakes his head, “Who is
this guy?”

CODY turns his back and goes back inside the warehouse, as if
he’s lost his nerve, leaving the various items of clothing.

They stare after him, bemused.

NANKERVIS.
Thanks Agent Ford. I like the way
you took control of the situa --

HOLDEN.
Who else is in there?

NANKERVIS.
Night watchman and the girl who
answers the phone.

HOLDEN.
Can we get him on the phone?

NANKERVIS.
They stopped answering.

HOLDEN.
What does he want?

NANKERVIS.
Keeps asking for his wife.

HOLDEN.
What did you tell him?

NANKERVIS.
Working on it. Put a call in around
noon. Neighbor’s tracking her down.

HOLDEN.
No. Don’t want to introduce her
into the mix while he’s got a gun.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 6.


NANKERVIS.
He’ll only talk to her.

HOLDEN.
She might be the reason he’s
feeling this way.

NANKERVIS.
I guess we won’t know until she
gets here.

HOLDEN eyes the UNIFORMED COPS listening in, looking to
NANKERVIS for guidance.

HOLDEN.
Has anybody pulled his medical
records? *

NANKERVIS.
No sir.

HOLDEN.
Anybody talked to his doctor?
Has he got a drug problem? Do we
know what drove him to this?

NANKERVIS.
He stole a shotgun. Robbed a corner
store. That’s what drove him.

They watch a police SQUAD CAR approach slowly, a frightened
woman in the back, her window down.

HOLDEN.
Okay. Let me talk to her.

HOLDEN goes over. She opens her door but he carefully shuts
it again.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Holden Ford from the FBI.
Don’t get out --

WIFE.
Sissy.

HOLDEN.
Do you understand the situation
here?

SISSY.
I guess...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 7.


HOLDEN.
How was he when you last saw him?

SISSY.
Calm but totally deluded.

HOLDEN.
What’s happening?

SISSY.
He lost his job. Hit the bottle. *

HOLDEN.
That’s rough.

SISSY.
I tried to get him sectioned on
Sunday but he took off.

HOLDEN.
Okay...

She looks at the SWAT team and MARSKMAN.

SISSY.
I don’t know what else he’s done.

HOLDEN.
Can we contact his doctor?

SISSY.
Won’t see his doctor. Doctor won’t
see him.

HOLDEN.
Well his doctor has to see him.

SISSY.
He wears out a new one every six
months. They’ve given up on him.

HOLDEN.
Sorry to hear it.

SISSY.
I threatened to leave him if he
didn’t get help.

HOLDEN.
You gave him an ultimatum?

SISSY.
I feel terrible.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 8.


NANKERVIS.
You think he’ll talk to you?

SISSY.
I don’t know.

HOLDEN.
Hold on --

NANKERVIS.
What?

HOLDEN.
Remember what I said? *

HOLDEN grits his teeth, impatient with NANKERVIS.

NANKERVIS.
You have to tell him you’re not
leaving him.

HOLDEN.
No, I don’t want him to see you
here.

NEGOTIATOR.
Just for now do you think you could
reassure him --

HOLDEN.
Excuse me...

SISSY.
I don’t know if I want to do that.

NANKERVIS.
Tell him you’re sorry, you were
upset, he’s not going into any
facility -- you just want him to
come home now.

SISSY (TO NEGOTIATOR.)
It’s more complicated than that.

HOLDEN.
Why?

SISSY.
He thinks he’s invisible.

HOLDEN.
To you?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 9.


SISSY.
To everybody.

NANKERVIS.
You need to tell him it’s okay,
you’re not leaving, he’s coming
home.

HOLDEN (TO NANKERVIS, POINTED.)
Hold on a minute...

NANKERVIS (TO HER.)
You think if we open up that door
you can talk to him face to face?

HOLDEN (TENSE, TO HIM.)
Okay you need to take a step back,
please, let me handle this. (TO
HER.) Sissy --

NANKERVIS.
Ma’am --

HOLDEN.
OK -- the Bureau’s guidelines are
clear on this --

NANKERVIS.
When a man is staring down the
barrel and thinks he’s about to die
the first person he asks for is his
wife.

HOLDEN.
Actually it’s his mother but I
don’t want her here either.

NANKERVIS.
I‘ve been twenty five years around
guns and gunmen. I’ve had more
blood on my shirt than you’ve had
TV dinners, kid.

HOLDEN just looks at him, “Kid?”

HOLDEN.
You’ve seen a lot of people shot,
is that what you’re telling me?

NANKERVIS.
More than I can count.

HOLDEN.
And you’re a “hostage negotiator?”
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 10.


HOLDEN shuts the door of the car and SISSY acquiesces.

HOLDEN knocks on the roof of the car and signals for the
DRIVER to go.... The car drives away slowly.

HOLDEN looks around at the LOCAL REPORTERS and PRESS
PHOTOGRAPHERS.

HOLDEN. (TO NANKERVIS.) (CONT’D)
Who are these guys? You know them?

NANKERVIS.
Local press. You want to get rid of *
them as well?

HOLDEN.
Please. Get them all out of here.
And move those vehicles. Give us
some space.

NANKERVIS signals to the PRESS to scram.

NANKERVIS.
Hey you...

They reluctantly move away.

The SWAT team come fidget and look to HOLDEN for orders,
tense.

HOLDEN.
You too. You’re making me nervous.
Let’s just... baby steps... I don’t
need you... you’ll get somebody
hurt.

The SWAT TEAM retreat slightly.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Cory? Everything okay in there?

No reply.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
You want to come out and talk to me
now?

No reply.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
I’m pretty sure I know how to work
this out.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 11.


Then the door slowly swings open, CORY comes out, still naked
with the shotgun dangling by his side -- a pathetic sight.

CORY.
Have -- have you got hold of my
wife yet?

HOLDEN.
Cory, she’s not here. OK? You need
to talk to me.

COREY.
Why should I talk to you?

HOLDEN.
Well because... it would be a shame
if you didn’t.

COREY.
“A shame” huh?

CORY regards HOLDEN searchingly, weighing it up, nodding to
himself.

Everybody else watches him, expectant.

Suddenly CORY puts the gun in his mouth and squeezes the
trigger.

We hear the BLAST and see just a few frames of the impact...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, a negotiator from the FBI, Holden Ford, arrives at an abandoned warehouse where a man named Cody Miller is holding a shotgun and demanding to see his wife. The police negotiator, Nankervis, is unsure how to handle the situation, but Holden takes charge and tries to establish a connection with Cody. As the tension rises, Cody unexpectedly strips naked, leaving everyone confused. Holden manages to convince Cody to come out and talk, but the scene ends with a shocking gunshot.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The unexpected twist adds intrigue and keeps the audience engaged."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from further development of the characters' motivations and emotional depth. The plot and theme could also be further explored and developed."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The unexpected twist adds intrigue and keeps the audience engaged. However, the scene could benefit from further development of the characters' motivations and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a negotiation between law enforcement and a distressed individual is compelling and provides opportunities for conflict and character development. However, the scene could benefit from more exploration of the psychological aspects of the negotiation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the negotiation between law enforcement and Cody, with the goal of resolving the situation peacefully. The unexpected twist adds tension and raises the stakes. However, the scene could benefit from further development of the plot and the characters' backstories.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low, as it follows a familiar setup of a hostage situation and negotiation. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism and believability to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Holden and Cody, have distinct personalities and motivations. However, their development could be further explored to create more depth and emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene, with Cody briefly considering talking to Holden before ultimately taking a drastic action. The potential for character change is present but could be further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish control and de-escalate the situation. This reflects his desire to prevent violence and protect the lives of everyone involved.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to establish communication with the hostage taker and gather information about his motivations and demands. This reflects the immediate challenge of resolving the hostage situation and ensuring the safety of the hostages.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the potential for violence and the need to resolve the situation peacefully. The tension between the characters adds to the conflict. However, the conflict could be further heightened by exploring the characters' emotional states and motivations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of negotiating with a potentially dangerous hostage taker. The audience is unsure of how the negotiation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be successful in resolving the situation peacefully.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the potential for violence and the need to resolve the situation peacefully. The characters' lives are at risk, and the outcome of the negotiation has significant consequences. The unexpected twist adds to the stakes and raises the tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict and establishing the dynamics between the characters. The unexpected twist adds intrigue and raises questions about the characters' motivations. However, the scene could benefit from further development of the story and its progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the actions and decisions of the hostage taker and the protagonist are not entirely predictable. The audience is unsure of how the negotiation will unfold and whether violence will occur.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits tension and suspense, but the emotional impact could be enhanced by further exploring the characters' emotions and motivations. The unexpected twist of Cody stripping naked adds a layer of intrigue and confusion.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters. The use of psychological tactics by Holden adds depth to the dialogue. However, there could be more exploration of the characters' emotions and motivations through the dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and creates tension through the protagonist's calm and confident demeanor. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome of the negotiation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's engagement. The dialogue and actions are well-paced, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup of the location, introduction of characters, and progression of the negotiation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a detailed description of the setting, which helps to establish the atmosphere and tone of the scene.
  • There is a good use of visual elements to create a sense of tension and suspense, such as the presence of multiple police vehicles and officers, and Cody's dramatic actions of stripping naked and holding a shotgun.
  • The dialogue between the characters is effective in conveying their emotions and motivations.
  • The conflict in the scene is well-established, with Cody's unstable state and possession of a shotgun creating a sense of danger.
  • The tragic ending of the scene is foreshadowed throughout, building suspense and anticipation.
  • The introduction of Agent Holden Ford from the FBI adds an interesting dynamic to the scene and raises the stakes.
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and tense atmosphere of a hostage negotiation situation.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-handled, with moments of tension and suspense interspersed with quieter moments of dialogue.
  • The use of descriptive language helps to create vivid imagery and engage the reader's senses.
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict and emotional stakes for the rest of the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific details about the characters' appearances and mannerisms to help bring them to life.
  • Explore the emotional journey of the characters in more depth, particularly Cody and his wife Sissy, to create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Consider adding more visual elements or actions to enhance the visual storytelling of the scene.
  • Further develop the relationship between Agent Holden Ford and the police negotiator to create more tension and conflict.
  • Consider adding more dialogue or interactions between the characters to further explore their motivations and relationships.
  • Explore the theme of mental health and its impact on the characters in more depth.
  • Consider adding more foreshadowing or hints at the tragic ending to build suspense and anticipation.
  • Experiment with the pacing of the scene to create more tension and suspense.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to further engage the reader's senses and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 3 - Negotiation Gone Awry
2 EXT. HOLDEN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 2

3 INT. HOLDEN’S APARTMENT/QUANTICO - NIGHT 3

A bachelor pad, hardly any furniture, pictures of HOLDEN’S
lacrosse playing school days on display.

HOLDEN lets himself in, rain outside, he dumps his wallet and
keys, takes off his rain coat.

He goes to the fridge, takes out a pint of milk, drinks
almost all of it, staring into space, thinking.

He selects a TV DINNER from a stack of identical meals.

He places it in the OVEN, shuts the door.

4 INT. HOLDEN’S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT 4

HOLDEN washes his face, takes off his tie, undoes his buttons
to take off shirt...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 12.


and notices a small BLOOD SPLATTER on the cuff of his shirt.
He examines the shirt more closely -- there is another tiny
BLOOD SPLATTER on the shirt front -- from tending to a
bloodied, dying CORY.

He stares at the blood a moment, then rips off his shirt,
bundles it up, shoves it in the basin, runs the cold tap to
wash the stain out, ignoring the food now...

Black screen.

TITLE: FBI National Training Academy, Quantico.

5 EXT. FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 5

HOLDEN walking between concrete buildings.

Male NEW AGENTS in their twenties, some wearing GLASSES, *
walking to classes in khaki trousers and blue polo shirts. *

A WOMAN passes by looking at a clipboard as she walks.

HOLDEN ignores it all, goes into a tall, imposing building.

6 INT. SHEPARD’S OFFICE/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 6

HOLDEN waits outside an office in a waiting area. Copies of
TIME MAGAZINE and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC as well as the FBI
inhouse magazine on a low table.

He looks at one TIME cover for January 1976 -- “WHO IS JIMMY
CARTER?”

He looks at another for May 1976 -- “JIMMY’S BREAKTHROUGH!”

A SECRETARY brings him a cup of coffee, he looks up, takes
the coffee.

HOLDEN.
Thanks. Thank you.

She goes and he just holds the coffee, not drinking it,
staring into space.

7 INT. SHEPARD’S OFFICE/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 7

HOLDEN sits staring unhappily opposite his Unit Chief at *
National Training Academy, SHEPARD, square-jawed, bureaucrat
in his 50’s. *

SHEPARD.
You followed procedure. You did
your job.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 13.


HOLDEN.
He was frightened.

SHEPARD. *
You did everything by the book. *

HOLDEN. *
“Don’t call his wife?” *

SHEPARD.
He stuck a 12 gauge in somebody’s
face and robbed them. He was a bad
guy, Holden. Let it go.

HOLDEN.
Was he really “bad?” Or was it...
circumstances?

SHEPARD.
I read the report. He had a *
psychotic break. Explains *
everything. *

HOLDEN. *
Do we know why? *

SHEPARD. *
Not our job to know “why.” Don’t *
try to make sense of it. It’s his *
problem. *

HOLDEN. *
Maybe if I did know I could have *
done something. *

SHEPARD. *
It’s not something we have a lot of *
insight into, Holden. It’s not your *
field. *

HOLDEN.
He was on medication, but he kept *
stopping. His wife was the only one
making sure he took it. *

SHEPARD. *
How were you to know? *

HOLDEN. *
By calling his wife... *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 13A.


SHEPARD. *
You had enough on your hands. You *
did everything you could. Let it *
go. *

HOLDEN rubs his eyes, frustrated, sensing this is facetious.

HOLDEN.
I did everything by the book but *
sometimes you got to wonder --

SHEPARD.
What?

HOLDEN.
How good is the book?

SHEPARD. *
Okay, when we print up the new *
playbook in a couple of years we’ll *
amend the part about wives. *

HOLDEN. *
What else don’t we know? *

SHEPARD.
Holden, this place is pretty much
the benchmark for excellence in law
enforcement --
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 14.


HOLDEN.
Is it still?

SHEPARD.
In the rest of the world, Hostage *
Negotiation is on its way out.

HOLDEN.
It is?

SHEPARD.
There was no hostage negotiation at
the Munich Olympics. You think the
Israelis bothered with negotiation
during the raid on Entebbe last
year?

HOLDEN. *
Then why am I still teaching it?

SHEPARD stares into space a moment, weighing up what to say.

SHEPARD.
Your courses are a big hit in the
summer. If anything you should be
teaching more, not less.

HOLDEN.
How can that be sensible?

SHEPARD gets up, goes to the window, tired of this.

SHEPARD.
I understand. A bad thing happened.
It hurts.

HOLDEN.
Are you putting me out to pasture?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 15.


SHEPARD.
No, I‘m putting you to work where
it really counts.

HOLDEN.
Despite what happened?

SHEPARD.
Because of what happened, Holden.
It “seasoned” you.

HOLDEN.
Thank you sir but I’d rather not.

SHEPARD.
Well...
(beat.)
This is awkward.

They stare at each other, weighing up the next move...
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Holden Ford, an FBI negotiator, arrives at an abandoned warehouse where Cody Miller is holding a shotgun and demanding to see his wife. Holden takes charge and tries to establish a connection with Cody. As tension rises, Cody unexpectedly strips naked, leaving everyone confused. Holden manages to convince Cody to come out and talk, but the scene ends with a shocking gunshot.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Unexpected twists
  • Strong ending
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged with the unpredictable behavior of Cody. The shocking ending leaves a strong impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a negotiation gone awry is intriguing and provides opportunities for conflict and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the negotiation between Holden and Cody, with unexpected twists and turns.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situations are familiar (a bachelor pad apartment, a conversation between a protagonist and their superior), the specific details and the protagonist's internal conflict add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden and Cody are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Holden experiences a shift in his approach to negotiation as he deals with Cody's unexpected behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and make sense of a recent traumatic event involving a bloodied, dying person. This reflects his need for closure and his desire to find meaning in his work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss his future assignments with his Unit Chief at the FBI Training Academy. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Holden and Cody is intense and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by his superior. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to express his concerns.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Cody is armed and demanding to see his wife, creating a dangerous and unpredictable situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new challenge for Holden and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations of how the protagonist's superior will respond to his concerns. The dialogue and the protagonist's internal thoughts add layers of uncertainty and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist and his Unit Chief. The protagonist questions the effectiveness and relevance of the current procedures and practices in law enforcement, while the Unit Chief defends them. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values about his work and the impact he can have.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, confusion, and shock.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and confusion in the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a compelling internal conflict for the protagonist, introduces a philosophical conflict, and raises questions about the effectiveness of law enforcement procedures. The dialogue and character interactions are realistic and thought-provoking.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the protagonist's internal turmoil and the tension between him and his superior. The pauses and moments of silence add to the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses through a conversation that develops the conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a description of Holden's apartment, but it doesn't provide any significant visual elements or actions that contribute to the story or character development. Consider adding details that reveal something about Holden's personality or state of mind.
  • Holden's actions of preparing a TV dinner and staring into space are somewhat mundane and don't add much to the scene. Consider adding more meaningful actions or interactions that reveal Holden's emotional state or advance the plot.
  • The transition from Holden's apartment to the FBI Training Academy is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. Consider adding a smoother transition or a bridge scene that links the two locations.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Shepard is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth. Consider adding more layers to their conversation by exploring their conflicting perspectives or delving deeper into Holden's emotional turmoil.
  • The conflict between Holden and Shepard is not fully resolved and leaves the scene feeling unresolved. Consider adding a clearer resolution or a cliffhanger that leaves the audience wanting more.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional impact and fails to fully engage the audience. Consider adding more tension, suspense, or emotional depth to make the scene more compelling.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions that enhance the storytelling and create a more dynamic visual experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding visual details to Holden's apartment that reveal something about his character or state of mind, such as personal mementos or a messy living space.
  • Replace Holden's mundane actions with more meaningful ones that reveal his emotional state or advance the plot, such as him looking at a photo of the bloodied dying man or having a flashback to the incident.
  • Add a transitional scene or element that connects Holden's apartment to the FBI Training Academy, such as Holden receiving a phone call or seeing a news report that prompts him to go to the Academy.
  • Deepen the conflict between Holden and Shepard by exploring their conflicting perspectives on the incident and their differing approaches to law enforcement.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to create a sense of closure or anticipation for the next scene.
  • Add more tension, suspense, or emotional depth to the scene by incorporating dramatic elements, such as Holden breaking down in tears or Shepard revealing a shocking revelation.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more visual elements or actions that enhance the audience's understanding of the characters and their emotions.



Scene 4 - Negotiation Gone Awry
8 INT. HOLDEN’S APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING 8

HOLDEN eating corn flakes, alone, in just his trousers,
preoccupied, staring into space...

He finishes, takes his bowl to the sink.

He polishes his shoes.

He runs a comb through his buzz cut, examining it in the
mirror -- brushing doesn’t make any difference to it.

He takes his freshly washed shirt down from a hanger and puts
it on, does up the buttons, examines the collar where the
rusty BLOOD stain is still apparent.

He quickly peels off the shirt and puts it in the bin.

He goes to his wardrobe and selects a fresh new shirt from
several identical fresh shirts on hangers.

He puts on the shirt, does it up neatly, puts on a tie,
buttons his top button, ties his tie, pins his name tag on. *

9 INT. LECTURE THEATRE/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY - DAY 9

HOLDEN is teaching “Hostage Negotiation” to his class of
about thirty NEW AGENTS who have notebooks and pens. *

HOLDEN.
... the fugitive killed a police
officer in Chicago and he’s just
gunned down an FBI agent...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 16.


He shows the first slide on a SLIDE PROJECTOR loaded with a
CAROUSEL of SLIDES: a TUDOR style suburban house, surrounded
by police cars.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
He takes two 380 rounds in the ass,
grabs a nine year old boy as
hostage and holes up in a suburban
home in a family neighborhood full
of women and small children...

He shows a mug shot of the wild-eyed fugitive.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
At this point it is incumbent upon
us to ask: what kind of destruction
is this hot-head capable of?

He shows a school photo of the BOY -- innocent in his
uniform.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
This is where we need to be
clairvoyant. Because when Chicago’s
Chief of Police arrives and starts
using a bullhorn to intimidate the
perpetrator -

HOLDEN changes the slides to show: A POLICE CAR riddled with
bullet holes.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Who could predict?

HOLDEN shows:

A bloodied POLICE OFFICER on a gurney going to an ambulance.

Another being treated by PARAMEDICS.

The BULLET-RIDDEN CORPSE of the FUGITIVE in an unzipped body
bag.

A Special Agent with bloodied bandages around his head in a
hospital bed.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
... Don’t use a Bullhorn. Don’t let
him “speak to the chief.” Identify
him first and get somebody to pull
his medical records...

He watches the class writes notes in their notebooks.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 17.


HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
And if he wants to speak to his
wife you need to listen because she
may be the only one who know the
reason why he’s there in the first
place.


10 INT. CORRIDOR/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 10

HOLDEN leaves his projector and notes and walks out of the
class, taking breaths of fresh air in the corridor, in need
of a break.

The door of the lecture theatre opposite is propped open and
HOLDEN notices another class in progress.

He hears the odd phrase:

INSTRUCTOR (O.O.V)
... Each one an extremely violent,
completely senseless homicide. No
explanation. No apparent reason for
it. No apparent motive.

HOLDEN stops, curious now, wanders over, stands in the
doorway.

HOLDEN’S POV: Another INSTRUCTOR with a SLIDE PROJECTOR and
CAROUSEL. On the slide projector, an image which draws him
in: the BLOOD SPATTERED FACE of a male gunshot victim,
swathed in white sheets on a gurney being led into hospital --
BOBBY VIOLANTE, the last man shot by “SON OF SAM” DAVID
BERKOWITZ.

WILSON.
They weren’t sexually assaulted;
there was no attempt to relieve
them of their valuables; they
didn’t know their assailant. They
weren’t “lust murders.”

The slides change: an unconscious, blood-stained woman on a
gurney, oxygen mask strapped to her face -- STACY MOSKOWITZ,
the last woman shot by BERKOWITZ, she died in hospital.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
All that we know about
investigating crime in the
twentieth century begins with
“motive, means, opportunity.”
Motive is everything, right? Why
did he do it? What did he want? Who
is this person?
(MORE)
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 18.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
Motive gives it meaning. Now
suddenly there’s no motive. So it’s
meaningless. It’s a void. It’s a
black hole.

11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM/FBI ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 11

HOLDEN comes in to watch: WILSON, a smooth-looking 40 year
old in a three piece blue suit is at a lectern with a
PROJECTOR, addressing a packed class passionately. A senior
homicide investigator, WILSON is more flamboyant than HOLDEN
and the other instructors.

WILSON.
Where do we start?

He is teaching a class of about sixty guys in their thirties
and forties -- considerably older than HOLDEN’s class -- a
master class symposium for INSTRUCTORS and SENIOR AGENTS.

WILSON (CONT’D.)
Maybe by saying: the perpetrator
was an “angry, aggressive
sociopath?” Which is wonderfully
insightful... but it still doesn’t
tell us why.

And now HOLDEN is gripped, taking a seat in the audience,
watching, unblinking.

WILSON.
I‘m talking about a killer who
killed again and again, took pride
in meticulously “hunting” people
for no reason other than pleasure.
My God. Is he a “monster?”

WILSON changes the slide to illustrate: an artist’s
impression of the rather ordinary-looking SUSPECT on the
front page of The NEW YORK POST with the headline “SON OF
SAM” in caps, “Police release new pictures” underneath.

HOLDEN and the class study the SLIDE closely.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
I don’t call them “monsters”
because I’m a behavioral scientist
and I know that he’s a human being.
I don’t use the term “evil” either.
That’s a theological term that has
zero scientific or legal value.
These people... are people.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 19.


HOLDEN shifts his gaze to WILSON, listening intently now, his
thoughts crystallizing.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Holden Ford, an FBI negotiator, arrives at an abandoned warehouse where Cody Miller is holding a shotgun and demanding to see his wife. Holden takes charge and tries to establish a connection with Cody. As tension rises, Cody unexpectedly strips naked, leaving everyone confused. Holden manages to convince Cody to come out and talk, but the scene ends with a shocking gunshot.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Unpredictable behavior of Cody
  • Shocking ending
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Theme could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged with the unpredictable behavior of Cody. The shocking ending leaves a strong impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a negotiation gone awry is intriguing and provides opportunities for conflict and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-structured and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of teaching hostage negotiation and exploring the motives behind criminal behavior is not entirely unique, the specific details and approach taken by the writer add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden's assertiveness and Cody's unpredictable behavior make the characters interesting to watch.

Character Changes: 7

Holden's assertiveness and Cody's unexpected behavior show some character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Holden's internal goal in this scene is to teach and educate his class of new agents about hostage negotiation. This reflects his deeper desire to make a difference and prevent harm in the world.

External Goal: 7

Holden's external goal in this scene is to effectively communicate the techniques and strategies of hostage negotiation to his class. This reflects the immediate challenge of training new agents and preparing them for real-life situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Holden and Cody, as well as the overall tense situation, creates a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with Holden facing the challenge of effectively teaching his class and the conflict between understanding criminal behavior and labeling criminals.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Cody's demands and the potential danger create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a tense negotiation situation and setting up the shocking ending.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a conflict between understanding criminal behavior and labeling criminals, which adds tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the idea of understanding the motives and reasons behind a criminal's actions and the idea of labeling them as 'monsters' or 'evil'. This challenges Holden's beliefs as a behavioral scientist and his approach to understanding criminal behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The tension and confusion in the scene evoke strong emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in advancing the plot and revealing character traits, but it could be more impactful.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a combination of personal and professional moments in Holden's life, introduces a conflict between understanding criminal behavior and labeling criminals, and provides information and insights about hostage negotiation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of personal reflection with moments of professional teaching, and by maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions of actions and dialogue, and a logical progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Holden eating corn flakes, which seems like a mundane action that doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The description of Holden polishing his shoes and examining his buzz cut in the mirror feels unnecessary and doesn't add any significant visual or emotional elements to the scene.
  • The mention of the rusty blood stain on Holden's shirt is intriguing, but it is quickly discarded by him putting the shirt in the bin and selecting a fresh one. This could be a missed opportunity to explore Holden's emotional state and the impact of the recent incident.
  • The dialogue in the lecture theatre is informative and provides some insight into Holden's expertise in hostage negotiation, but it lacks depth and doesn't fully engage the reader.
  • The transition to Holden observing another class feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous actions. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection to Holden's character development.
  • The dialogue in the second class about investigating motiveless crimes is interesting, but it feels slightly repetitive and could be condensed to make it more impactful.
  • The scene ends with Holden becoming intrigued by the idea of studying criminals' behavior, but it doesn't provide a strong sense of resolution or a clear direction for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a more engaging action or moment that reflects Holden's emotional state or the aftermath of the recent incident.
  • Instead of focusing on mundane actions like polishing shoes, use visual elements that enhance the tension or reflect Holden's internal struggle.
  • Explore the impact of the blood stain on Holden's shirt and how it affects his mindset or emotional state. This could provide a deeper insight into his character and the consequences of his actions.
  • Revise the dialogue in the lecture theatre to make it more engaging and impactful. Consider adding personal anecdotes or examples that connect with Holden's experiences.
  • Create a smoother transition between the two classes or find a stronger connection between Holden's interest in hostage negotiation and motiveless crimes.
  • Condense the dialogue in the second class to make it more concise and impactful. Focus on the most important points and avoid repetition.
  • Provide a stronger sense of resolution or a clear direction for the next scene to create a more satisfying ending to the scene.



Scene 5 - Negotiation Gone Awry
12 EXT. PARKING LOT/FBI ACADEMY QUANTICO - EVENING 12

Rain -- a parking lot full of dark colored Chevys and Fords.

HOLDEN in a macintosh with an attache case heads for his car.

In the bg other SPECIAL AGENTS dressed identical “uniform” go
to their cars.

He sees WILSON battling with keys and an umbrella and
carrying a CAROUSEL of slides.

HOLDEN.
Excuse me. Agent Wilson?

WILSON glances up as he goes to unlock his car, looks at
HOLDEN’s face.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Holden Ford. Hostage Negotiation.

WILSON.
Peter... hi.

HOLDEN.
I sat in on your class today.

WILSON.
Oh.

They shake hands. WILSON shifts the carousel from one hand to
the other, unlocking his car.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
You just started here?

HOLDEN.
Just started full time. I was here
in the summer... and I was a street
agent a while.

WILSON.
It’s good to mix it up.

HOLDEN.
You want some help with...?

WILSON.
Sure.

HOLDEN helps him load stuff into the car.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 20.


HOLDEN.
I liked what you were saying about
“motiveless” homicide.

WILSON.
Seemed to liven things up a little,
didn’t it?

HOLDEN.
It freaked me out.

WILSON (SMILES.)
I like to kick things off with that
stuff, start of term, gets their
attention...

HOLDEN.
Depressing notion. It used to be so
simple.

WILSON
“Just the facts ma’am. Just tell me
what happened.”

HOLDEN.
Yeah I’m not a “just the facts”
guy...

WILSON.
That’s television, right?

HOLDEN.
It’s history.

WILSON.
Pre-history.

HOLDEN.
It got me thinking...

WILSON.
Well, thinking’s good. Good for
you.

HOLDEN watches WILSON get in his car.

WILSON slams the door, starts the engine -- notices HOLDEN
still standing there, bemused expression.

He winds down his window, looks at HOLDEN just standing
there.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
You’re wet. You want to get a beer?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 21.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Holden Ford, an FBI negotiator, arrives at an abandoned warehouse where Cody Miller is holding a shotgun and demanding to see his wife. Holden takes charge and tries to establish a connection with Cody. As tension rises, Cody unexpectedly strips naked, leaving everyone confused. Holden manages to convince Cody to come out and talk, but the scene ends with a shocking gunshot.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Unexpected twist
  • Strong ending
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged with the unexpected actions of Cody. The shocking ending leaves a strong impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a negotiation gone awry is intriguing and provides opportunities for conflict and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the negotiation between Holden and Cody, with the added element of Cody's unexpected behavior. It keeps the audience guessing and interested in the outcome.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden and Cody are the main characters in the scene. Holden is portrayed as a skilled negotiator, while Cody's actions add complexity and mystery to his character.

Character Changes: 7

Cody's unexpected behavior showcases a change in his character, adding depth and intrigue.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Agent Wilson and establish a rapport. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance in his new role as a full-time agent.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to offer help to Agent Wilson and potentially engage in a conversation about their work. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their encounter and the challenge of building relationships in a professional setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Cody's demands and Holden's attempts to establish a connection. Cody's unexpected behavior adds another layer of conflict and tension.

Opposition: 4

The opposition in this scene is minimal, as the protagonist and Agent Wilson have a friendly and cooperative interaction. There is no significant obstacle or conflict that the audience is unsure about.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Cody holding a shotgun and demanding to see his wife. The potential for violence and the urgency of the situation create a sense of high stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the negotiation situation and adding a surprising twist.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it leaves the audience wondering if the protagonist will accept Agent Wilson's offer for a beer and how their relationship will develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes tension and confusion, and the shocking ending leaves an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in advancing the plot and revealing information about the characters, but it is not particularly memorable or impactful.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a potential friendship between the protagonist and Agent Wilson, creating intrigue and anticipation for their future interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and allowing the dialogue to flow naturally. It keeps the audience engaged without feeling rushed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses through their conversation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, making it feel somewhat aimless.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and unnatural, particularly in the exchange about motiveless homicide.
  • The visual description of the scene is somewhat sparse and could benefit from more detail to help the reader visualize the setting and characters.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer resolution or transition to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear conflict or tension to the scene, such as a disagreement between Holden and Wilson about their work or a shared challenge they are facing.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it feel more natural and engaging for the reader.
  • Add more visual detail to the scene to help the reader visualize the setting and characters more vividly.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution or transition to the next scene, such as Wilson and Holden agreeing to meet for a beer or discussing a specific case they are both interested in.



Scene 6 - Holden's Encounter at the Bar
13 INT. BAR/RICHMOND VA - NIGHT 13

A rowdy bar full of CO-EDS, GRAD STUDENTS, cigarette smoke
and posters on the walls, a GARAGE BAND playing under a large
brick archway.

Camera finds HOLDEN drinking at the bar with WILSON, in their
suits and ties, Windsor knots, shiny shoes -- conspicuous
amongst the scruffy crowd.

WILSON is holding forth, HOLDEN listening, both a little
drunk.

WILSON.
Tells the shrink a dog told him to
do it.

HOLDEN.
That’s a pathetic “motive.”

WILSON.
Yeah, I’m not saying there’s
literally no motive, I’m saying
it’s not a rational motive. We call
it “aberrant behavior” because it’s
unlike anything we’ve seen before.
We can’t predict it because it’s,
by nature, unpredictable. We can’t
classify it, because it’s
unclassifiable. It’s just somehow
“evolved.”

HOLDEN.
“Aberrant?”

WILSON.
This is the world we live in now.
This is the world Nixon bequeathed
us. All bets are off.

HOLDEN.
I totally agree.

WILSON.
Thirty years ago it was Bonnie and
Clyde. Next thing you know it’s
“Zodiac” and this “Son Of Sam.”
Crimes change.

HOLDEN.
What’s next?

WILSON.
Who the hell knows?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 22.


HOLDEN.
But we’re supposed to know, right?

WILSON.
That’s our big secret.

HOLDEN.
What?

WILSON.
That we don’t.

HOLDEN.
Jeez...

WILSON.
Look, we have to, somehow, “evolve”
--

HOLDEN.
How?

WILSON drains his beer.

WILSON.
I could tell you -- but I’d be
bullshitting.

With that he grins, slams the empty glass down on the bar and
stands.

WILSON. (CONT’D)
Okay. I gotta split.

They shake hands, WILSON goes and HOLDEN stares into space a
moment.

He notices a girl walk in with her friend - DEBBIE, 23,
wearing a short blue jumpsuit and ankle boots.

DEBBIE comes to the bar to order, standing right beside
HOLDEN. He looks her up and down and she notices, untroubled.

DEBBIE.
Hey.

HOLDEN.
Hey...

DEBBIE.
What are you looking at?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 23.


HOLDEN.
I just like your outfit. What is
that, a jumpsuit? What do you call
that?

DEBBIE.
This? I call it “a jumpsuit.”

HOLDEN.
Stylish.

DEBBIE.
What do you call that? (INDICATES
HIS SUIT.) You look like a mormon.
You look like my dad.

HOLDEN.
Is he a mormon?

DEBBIE.
No but he looks like one.

HOLDEN.
So does mine. He bought me this
suit as a matter of fact.

DEBBIE.
Did he buy you those nice shiny
shoes?

HOLDEN.
I have one brown pair and one black
pair. I also have sneakers but I
had to buy those myself.

DEBBIE.
What kind of adult let’s their *
parents choose their clothes for
them?

He just looks at her, doesn’t have an answer, she waits for
bar service.

HOLDEN (JOKING.) *
Are you coming onto me?

DEBBIE (JOKING.)
Sure, that’s my technique: “The
emasculating approach.” *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 24.


They smile a little awkwardly, neither sure where to go from
here.

HOLDEN drinks, DEBBIE doesn’t make eye contact, her friend
now busy talking to other STUDENTS.

HOLDEN.
Having a good time? *

DEBBIE.
It’s my birthday today. *

HOLDEN.
Happy birthday. How old are you? *

DEBBIE. *
Twenty four. *

HOLDEN. *
You don’t look old enough to be in *
here. *

She looks him up and down, finding him weird now. *

DEBBIE.
What are you a narc?

HOLDEN.
FBI actually. Special Agent Holden
Ford. Can you tell?

DEBBIE.
Everybody can tell. You got a gun?

HOLDEN.
I have one -- but I’m not going to *
show it to you. *

DEBBIE.
Oh nuts.

HOLDEN.
I’m more of a teacher. Right up the *
road at Quantico.

DEBBIE.
What do you teach? *

HOLDEN.
Hostage Negotiation, such as it is.

DEBBIE.
Holy cow.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 24A.


HOLDEN.
You really think I look like a
narc? *

He looks in the mirror behind the bar, shrugs. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 25.


DEBBIE.
Are you kidding?

HOLDEN.
I don’t see it. What?

DEBBIE. *
You stick out like a sore thumb. *

HOLDEN focuses on a group of tough-looking AFRICAN AMERICAN *
GUYS playing pool, dressed like car mechanics. *

HOLDEN. *
What do you expect me to do, *
infiltrate the Black Panthers? *

DEBBIE. *
Those guys are not Black Panthers. *
They’re engineering students. Go *
talk to them. Get some black dudes *
in the FBI. *

HOLDEN. *
We have a black dude. In Maryland. *

DEBBIE. *
Just the one, huh? *

He drinks and tries to mind his own business for a minute. He *
notices DEBBIE’S FRIEND joining two other FRIENDS, staring at
him curiously.

HOLDEN. *
You’ve got the wrong idea about me. *

DEBBIE. *
Are you going to “book me?” *

HOLDEN.
If you want. *

DEBBIE.
Handcuffs?

He smiles uncertainly, she smirks, they drink. A BAND is
sitting up on a low stage under a brick archway on the other
side of the room.

She gets out a softpack of KENT cigarettes and lights one.

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
I’m here to see this really cool
band from Detroit. You ever been to *
Detroit?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 25A.


HOLDEN.
I was a street agent there.

DEBBIE.
I can’t believe they’re here. Used
to play PJs in Corktown. You know
Corktown?

HOLDEN.
PJ’s?

DEBBIE.
Used to be a furniture store.

HOLDEN.
No, they always sold liquor. That
whole furniture thing was just a
front that started during *
prohibition.

She eyes him, intrigued now.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 26.


DEBBIE.
Where you really from?

HOLDEN.
Everywhere.

DEBBIE.
The midwest, right?

HOLDEN. *
I grew up in the midwest but I was
born in Brooklyn.

DEBBIE.
You don’t come across like a guy *
from New York.

HOLDEN.
You don’t go over like a girl from *
Corktown. Buy you a drink?

She shrugs.

He signals the BARTENDER who immediately drops what he’s
doing and fixes them a drink.

HOLDEN. (V.O. PRELAP) (CONT’D)
So you’re a co-ed?



CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Holden Ford, an FBI negotiator, meets a woman named Debbie at a bar. They engage in a conversation about their backgrounds and interests.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of tension and confusion through the unexpected encounter between Holden and Debbie. The dialogue is engaging and reveals insights into Holden's character.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring Holden's personal life and social interactions adds depth to his character and provides a contrast to the intense FBI negotiations.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene is minimal, focusing more on character development and establishing a connection between Holden and Debbie.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a bar and the conversation between two characters is a familiar situation, the writer adds freshness through the unique dialogue and the exploration of societal norms and expectations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Holden and Debbie are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Their interaction adds depth to the scene and engages the audience.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it focuses more on establishing a connection between Holden and Debbie.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to engage in conversation and potentially flirt with Debbie, the girl he notices at the bar. This reflects his desire for connection and companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that he wants to have a good time and enjoy himself at the bar.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in this scene, as it focuses more on establishing a connection between Holden and Debbie.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is not strong. There are no significant obstacles or conflicts that the protagonist needs to overcome.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it focuses more on character development and establishing a connection between Holden and Debbie.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main story forward, but it provides insights into Holden's personal life and social interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the dialogue between the characters takes unexpected turns and surprises the audience with witty banter and unexpected responses.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and intrigue through the unexpected encounter between Holden and Debbie.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Holden and Debbie is engaging and reveals insights into their personalities and backgrounds.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces interesting characters, creates a lively atmosphere, and develops a flirtatious conversation between the protagonist and Debbie.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and allowing the dialogue to flow naturally. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the conversation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters, and progresses the conversation in a logical and coherent manner.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear setting and visual description, which is good. However, the dialogue between Holden and Wilson feels a bit forced and unnatural. It lacks a sense of authenticity and could benefit from more realistic and organic conversation.
  • The conversation about aberrant behavior and changing crimes is interesting, but it feels a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose. It might be more effective to subtly weave these themes into the dialogue rather than explicitly stating them.
  • The interaction between Holden and Debbie is playful and flirtatious, but it could use more depth and nuance. The dialogue feels a bit superficial and could benefit from more meaningful exchanges that reveal more about the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. While it's not necessary for every scene to have a conflict, it would add more depth and engagement to the scene if there was some underlying tension or disagreement between the characters.
  • The visual elements of the scene are well-described, but they could be utilized more effectively to enhance the atmosphere and mood. Consider incorporating more sensory details and using the visuals to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Focus on creating more natural and authentic dialogue between the characters. Consider how real people would speak and react in these situations.
  • Find ways to subtly convey the themes of aberrant behavior and changing crimes without explicitly stating them. Show, don't tell.
  • Develop the interaction between Holden and Debbie to be more meaningful and revealing of their characters. Explore their backgrounds, interests, and motivations in a deeper way.
  • Introduce a subtle conflict or tension between the characters to add more depth and engagement to the scene.
  • Utilize the visual elements of the scene to enhance the atmosphere and mood. Consider incorporating more sensory details and using the visuals to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.



Scene 7 - Bar Conversation
14 INT. RICHMOND BAR - NIGHT 14

At a table nearer the stage, HOLDEN and DEBBIE talking, a
little drunker now, opening up.

DEBBIE.
Post grad.

HOLDEN.
What’s your thing?

DEBBIE.
I’m writing my thesis on Durkheim’s
Labelling Theory on Deviancy.

HOLDEN.
Wow.

HOLDEN considers it, glances back to the bar at WILSON -- but
WILSON is busy drinking and chatting.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 27.


DEBBIE.
You know who Durkheim is?

HOLDEN.
No. But I know what deviancy is.

DEBBIE.
You do, huh?

HOLDEN.
It’s an occupational hazard. *

DEBBIE.
Well... Durkheim says “all forms of
deviancy are simply a challenge to
the normalized repressiveness of
the state.”

HOLDEN.
So he was an anarchist, right? *

DEBBIE.
No. He was the first person to tell *
us that if there’s something wrong
with our society, then criminality
is a response to that.

HOLDEN.
Well, maybe one of the things wrong
with society is, y’know, all the
criminality.

DEBBIE.
I’m talking from a sociological
perspective. Whereas you’re talking
from the perspective of a Fed. *

HOLDEN.
I get that.

DEBBIE.
If you really are a teacher you
might need to think about that.
What is your educational *
perspective? Is it purely pedagogic
or purely Fed? *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 28.


HOLDEN. *
Boy, you’re hard work. That outfit
... (the jumpsuit) doesn’t indicate *
the half of it.

DEBBIE.
You thought I looked easy, right?

HOLDEN.
Easier than this.

DEBBIE.
You don’t like women disagreeing
with you? That’s unusual for a guy
in law enforcement.

He looks around a little helplessly, not sure whether he’s
enjoying this or not. *

DEBBIE. (CONT’D) *
My point is you teach about *
criminality but you never heard of *
Durkheim? *

HOLDEN. *
Why don’t you give me a “reading *
list?” *

DEBBIE. *
Come on... *

She leads him off to dance. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 29.


*

CUT TO: *

15 INT. RICHMOND BAR - NIGHT 15

They stand watching the band, drinking, getting into the
music which is heavy, fun, STOOGES-like garage rock. They
dance a little -- she dances assuredly, he dances very
awkwardly.

DEBBIE. (DEAD PAN.)
Have I seen you on “Soul Train?” *

HOLDEN. *
You know, I used to go undercover. *
Vice rings. Drug gangs. The counter
culture...

DEBBIE.
You went “undercover” in “the
counter culture?” Did you *
infiltrate the Manson Family?

HOLDEN.
Would you just stop with this?
You’re relentless.

He stops dancing but she dances on, toying with him.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 30.


HOLDEN. (CONT’D) *
Can we just go someplace where we *
can talk? *

DEBBIE.
You know anywhere else?

HOLDEN. *
No. *

16 EXT. RICHMOND BAR - EARLY HOURS 16 *

Other students are hanging around laughing and smoking weed
as the BAND loads its gear into a station wagon.

HOLDEN and DEBBIE come out of the bar.

DEBBIE.
You want some pot?

HOLDEN.
Is that a trick question?

DEBBIE.
I’ve got some.

HOLDEN.
Are you serious? No. It’s
completely inappropriate.

DEBBIE.
Come on, it’s my birthday.

She produces car keys and goes over to an orange ‘67 VW Bug.

HOLDEN.
Jesus you’re not going to drink and
drive are you?

DEBBIE.
You’ve been plying me with booze
all night. Don’t you think that’s
kind of a mixed message?

He stops. She gets in the driver’s seat.

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
You coming?

He follows gingerly, doors slam.

17 EXT. DEBBIE’S SHARE HOUSE - NIGHT 17
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 31.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Holden Ford meets Debbie at a bar and engages in a conversation about their backgrounds and interests. They discuss Durkheim's Labelling Theory on Deviancy and Holden's perspective as an FBI agent. The conversation becomes flirtatious and they decide to leave the bar together.
Strengths
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Intellectual engagement
  • Flirtatious banter
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or tension
  • Minimal emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with interesting dialogue and a flirtatious dynamic between the characters. However, it lacks significant conflict or emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of discussing sociological theory in a bar setting is unique and provides an opportunity for intellectual exploration. However, it could benefit from more conflict or tension to heighten the stakes.

Plot: 6

The plot of the scene is relatively simple, focusing on the conversation between Holden and Debbie. It serves as a character-building moment rather than advancing the overall plot significantly.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of discussing criminality and society is not entirely unique, the specific references to Durkheim's Labelling Theory on Deviancy add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Holden and Debbie are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Their banter and intellectual engagement make them interesting to watch.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it primarily serves to establish the initial connection between Holden and Debbie.

Internal Goal: 8

Holden's internal goal in this scene is to engage in a meaningful conversation with Debbie and impress her with his knowledge and perspective on criminality.

External Goal: 6

Holden's external goal in this scene is to find a place where he and Debbie can talk and continue their conversation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in the scene, mostly consisting of playful disagreement between Holden and Debbie. The tension is low, but it serves the purpose of establishing their dynamic.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there is some tension between Holden and Debbie due to their differing perspectives, it is not a major obstacle that the audience is unsure how it will go.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, as it focuses more on intellectual engagement and flirtation rather than high-stakes conflict or tension.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the overall story forward, but it establishes a potential romantic subplot for Holden and introduces sociological themes that may be explored later.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure how Holden and Debbie's conversation will unfold and what their ultimate decision will be regarding finding a place to talk.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Holden's perspective as a law enforcement officer and Debbie's sociological perspective. This challenges Holden's beliefs and values about criminality and society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of the scene is relatively low, as it focuses more on intellectual engagement and flirtation. There are no significant emotional moments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and intellectually stimulating. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and sparks a connection between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents an intellectual conversation between the characters, interspersed with moments of humor and flirtation. The dialogue and interactions between Holden and Debbie keep the audience interested and invested in their relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between slower, more introspective moments and faster, more energetic moments. This creates a rhythm that keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with the characters talking at a table, then transitions to them dancing, and finally ends with them leaving the bar.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is engaging and reveals the contrasting perspectives of Holden and Debbie. It effectively explores the theme of criminality and societal norms.
  • However, the scene lacks clear objectives for the characters. It is unclear what Holden and Debbie hope to achieve through their conversation and interaction.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and tension. Currently, the conversation feels too straightforward and lacks depth.
  • The transition from the bar to Debbie's share house feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dancing scene could be more visually engaging and dynamic. It currently lacks energy and excitement.
  • The dialogue could be more concise and impactful. Some lines feel repetitive or unnecessary.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the bar environment.
  • The emotional tone of the scene could be heightened by adding moments of vulnerability or conflict between Holden and Debbie.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objectives of Holden and Debbie in this scene. What do they want to achieve through their conversation and interaction?
  • Add subtext and tension to the dialogue by exploring the underlying emotions and motivations of the characters.
  • Smoothly transition from the bar to Debbie's share house by adding a natural segue or moment of decision.
  • Make the dancing scene more visually engaging by incorporating dynamic movements and interactions between Holden and Debbie.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. Remove repetitive or unnecessary lines.
  • Enhance the sensory details of the bar environment to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Introduce moments of vulnerability or conflict between Holden and Debbie to heighten the emotional tone of the scene.



Scene 8 - Intimate Conversation
18 INT. DEBBIE’S SHARE HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 18

Posters on the walls, Persian rugs on the floor, ethnic wall
hangings, soft lighting, incense burning.

On the coffee table is a bong and a bowl of buds.

DEBBIE brings over wine glasses and a wine bottle, opens the
wine etc as they talk.

HOLDEN is sitting on a couch staring at the bowl.

DEBBIE hands him a glass of wine and he drinks.

He watches her put on a record, “I Wonder” by Sixto
Rodriguez.

DEBBIE.
So what does a “street agent” in
Detroit get up to?

HOLDEN.
Mostly catch army deserters -- guys *
who’d gone AWOL from Vietnam and
were too frightened to go back. I *
mean they were young guys. Same age *
as me. *

DEBBIE.
That must’ve been hard. *

HOLDEN. *
Nice guys some of them. *

DEBBIE. *
Did it make you feel like a snitch? *

HOLDEN. *
There’s worse things than being a *
snitch. When I was in Pittsburgh -- *
(HE SUDDENLY STOPS, REFLECTS.) *

DEBBIE. *
What? *

HOLDEN. *
Huh? *

DEBBIE.
What happened in Pittsburgh? Did *
you shoot somebody? *

He doesn’t reply. She kicks off her boots, sits beside him
and packs the bong.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 31A.


DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
Maybe this’ll loosen you up...

HOLDEN.
You’re making me nervous...

DEBBIE.
You’re such a goody-goody...

She smiles sweetly. He looks at her legs. She crosses them.

HOLDEN.
What are you, some kind of honey
trap? I’ve been warned to watch out
for women like you.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 32.


DEBBIE.
You mean “normal ones?”

She uncrosses her legs, looks at him. *

DEBBIE. (CONT’D) *
Relax. You think I’m gonna “put *
out” before the first date? *

She offers him the bong. He hesitates, takes it a little
nervously, she lights it for him and he has a pull...

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
Let’s just talk. *

No reply as he takes the bong. He fingers it awkwardly. *

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
Here, I’ll show you... put your *
finger over the hole...

She takes the bong -- he watches her put his finger over the *
hole.

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
Put your mouth over the other hole. *

He inhales. *

He suddenly coughs his guts up, looks ill. *

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Holden Ford meets Debbie at her share house. They engage in a flirtatious conversation while smoking marijuana. Holden becomes nervous and coughs after taking a hit from the bong.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Flirtatious dynamic between Holden and Debbie
  • Intimate setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively establishes a flirtatious dynamic between Holden and Debbie, creating tension and intrigue. The use of marijuana adds a unique element to the scene. However, the scene lacks significant conflict or emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 6

The concept of a flirtatious conversation between two characters is not particularly innovative, but the use of marijuana adds a unique element.

Plot: 5

The plot does not significantly advance in this scene. It primarily serves to establish the relationship between Holden and Debbie.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a fresh and realistic touch.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Holden and Debbie are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Their flirtatious banter and contrasting perspectives create an engaging dynamic.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in the scene, aside from Holden becoming slightly more at ease with Debbie.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to open up and relax. It reflects their deeper need for connection and their fear of being judged or rejected.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to engage in conversation and build a connection with Debbie. It reflects the immediate circumstance of being in a social setting and wanting to make a good impression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from Holden's nervousness.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is some tension and uncertainty in the protagonist's interactions with Debbie, it is not a major obstacle or conflict.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, primarily centered around Holden's nervousness and potential romantic interest.

Story Forward: 4

The scene does not significantly move the story forward, but it establishes the relationship between Holden and Debbie.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure how the conversation between the protagonist and Debbie will unfold and what revelations or surprises may arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene lacks significant emotional impact, aside from Holden's brief moment of discomfort.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and flirtatious, effectively conveying the chemistry between Holden and Debbie.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents an intriguing dynamic between the protagonist and Debbie, and it creates a sense of anticipation and curiosity about their conversation and potential connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of tension and anticipation, as well as moments of intimacy and reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and progresses the conversation in a logical and coherent manner.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for the characters. It seems to be a casual conversation between Holden and Debbie, but it doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times. The exchange between Holden and Debbie about being a 'snitch' and shooting someone in Pittsburgh feels contrived and doesn't flow smoothly.
  • The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and clichés. Debbie is portrayed as a seductive woman who offers drugs to Holden, reinforcing the 'honey trap' trope. This can be seen as a shallow and one-dimensional portrayal of female characters.
  • The transition from Holden being nervous to suddenly accepting the bong and smoking without hesitation feels abrupt and inconsistent with his character.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details, making it difficult for the reader to fully immerse themselves in the setting and atmosphere of the share house.
  • The ending of the scene, with Holden coughing and looking ill after taking a hit from the bong, feels clichéd and predictable.
  • Overall, the scene needs more purpose and depth to contribute meaningfully to the story and character development.
Suggestions
  • Give the characters clear objectives and motivations for the scene. What do they want to achieve or learn from each other?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Focus on creating a genuine connection between Holden and Debbie.
  • Avoid relying on stereotypes and clichés. Develop Debbie's character beyond the seductive woman offering drugs.
  • Smooth out the transition from Holden's nervousness to his acceptance of the bong. Show a gradual shift in his comfort level.
  • Add more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the share house. Use vivid language to bring the setting to life.
  • Consider a more unexpected or nuanced ending for the scene, avoiding the cliché of Holden coughing and looking ill.



Scene 9 - FBI Training and Academic Discussion
19 INT. MOTEL ROOM MOCK UP/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY - DAY 19

A trio of RECRUITS with clipboards and biros are gathered
around an INSTRUCTOR beside a double bed, behind partition
walls in a mock up of a MOTEL ROOM.

A female RECRUIT in glasses and twin set is sitting on the
bed holding a prop ICE PACK to her head, while somebody else
holds a tape measure between her head and the bed knob.

The INSTRUCTOR talks to them in the bg.

INSTRUCTOR 2.
... He says she hit her head on the
bed knob having consensual sexual
intercourse... she says he knocked
her out and dragged her into a
motel room to rape her. We know she
didn’t hit her head on that bed
knob because we’ve measured...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 32A.


HOLDEN and SHEPARD watch momentarily, then SHEPARD leads
HOLDEN away, talking.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 33.


SHEPARD.
... Where would you go?

HOLDEN.
University of Virginia in
Charlottesville. Post grad.

SHEPARD.
Holden this is your post grad.

HOLDEN.
Contemporary Applied Criminal
Psychology. Ratchet things up a
notch.

One of the RECRUITS demonstrates something by getting the
woman to stand up and then sit down again, moving her around
like a mannequin.

SHEPARD.
What is it you think you’re missing
out on?

HOLDEN.
We need to know the current
academic thinking --

SHEPARD.
You don’t want to rely on academics
Holden.

HOLDEN.
I’m not saying rely -- just get up
to date...

SHEPARD.
We just got up to date Holden. It’s
all in the library. 1972 everything
was new.

HOLDEN.
Five years ago. What’s the thinking
now?

SHEPARD.
OK look. There have been some fine
psychological studies over the
years, but these are people who
don’t understand the criminal mind.
They only understand their world,
which is a very small world. I’m
not going to candy coat it. They’re
naive, Holden.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 34.


HOLDEN.
Then we need to educate them.

SHEPARD.
I’m going to level with you, I’m
going to tell you something that I
don’t really want you to repeat: As
far as the Bureau is concerned,
psychology is for “back room
boys”... You understand what I’m
trying to say?

HOLDEN.
No. What is a “back room boy?”

SHEPARD.
It’s just frowned upon.

HOLDEN.
We should be using every resource
we can -- talking to the smartest
people we can find from the
broadest spectrum --

SHEPARD.
And we do.

HOLDEN.
People need to know they’re going
to really learn something here,
otherwise it’s just like joining
the military.

SHEPARD.
There’s nothing wrong with our
recruitment Holden. We recruited
Elvis.

HOLDEN.
So did the military.

SHEPARD.
Elvis doesn’t do it for you?

HOLDEN.
Hoover’s been dead four years and
we’re still recruiting lawyers and
accountants like it’s 1946.

SHEPARD.
Actually recruitment’s falling off
Holden. We can’t even get
accountants.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 35.


HOLDEN.
Then we’re in trouble.

SHEPARD eyes him a moment, weighing it.

SHEPARD.
Okay. You scratch my back and I
will recommend you for LEAA funding
for grad school -- but you’ll be
expected to use the opportunity for
recruitment there.

HOLDEN.
Are you sure you want me doing
that?

SHEPARD.
You’re smart, you’re idealistic, a
little damaged -- they’ll love you.

HOLDEN thinks about it, not sure what to say.

20 EXT. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA - DAY 20

Establishing: The imposing lawns, doric columns, archways and
domes of America’s most preppy college.

21 EXT. PARKING LOT/UVA - DAY 21

HOLDEN rolls up in his car, parks, gets out, wearing his
brown suit, wing tips, shirt and tie.

He eyes the university grounds and various STUDENTS
apprehensively -- the outsider.

22 INT. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA/LECTURE THEATRE - DAY 22

A class of about thirty coolly scruffy, long-haired generally
left wing students, some white, some black, some Asian.

Sitting at the centre is HOLDEN, surrounded by empty seats
because nobody will sit beside him.

TITLE: University of Virginia, Charlottesville. Three months
later.

A young, cool-looking LECTURER with a beard and leather
jacket addresses the class.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 36.


LECTURER.
... In 1872, Italian physician
Cesare Lombroso dragged us out of
the dark ages and launched the
scientific era in criminology by
differentiating five criminal
classes: born criminal, insane
criminal, criminal by passion,
habitual criminal and the
occasional criminal. In other
words, there are those who are born
that way and those who become that
way.

The class listens with rapt attention, many scribbling notes.

LECTURER. (CONT’D)
In 1965 there was another
breakthrough. A criminal psychology
research project at Bellevue
psychiatric hospital in New York
couched it like this: “Personality”
and “character,” far outweigh the
presence of psychotic or defective
diagnoses. In other words, by
extrapolation: Are criminals born
or are they formed?

HOLDEN stares, intent, writes notes furiously.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden Ford attends a training session at the FBI academy where he discusses the importance of psychology in criminal investigations with his superior, Shepard. They debate the relevance of academic research and the need for practical knowledge. Shepard offers Holden a deal to recommend him for funding if he helps with recruitment. The scene then transitions to Holden attending a lecture at the University of Virginia.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Thought-provoking themes
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the conflict between Holden's desire for academic knowledge and Shepard's emphasis on practical experience. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, providing insight into the characters' motivations and the challenges they face.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of incorporating psychology into criminal investigations is intriguing and sets up the central theme of the series. The scene effectively introduces this concept and explores the tension between academic research and practical application.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Holden's desire to update investigative techniques and Shepard's skepticism towards academic research. It sets up the conflict between the two characters and foreshadows the challenges Holden will face in his career.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of the clash between academic knowledge and practical experience in criminal investigation. The dialogue and contrasting viewpoints add authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Holden and Shepard are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and conflicting viewpoints. Their dialogue reveals their motivations and establishes their dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and development for Holden as he navigates the clash between traditional law enforcement and psychology.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Shepard and the recruits of the importance of incorporating current academic thinking and psychological studies into their work. This reflects Holden's desire to stay up to date and ensure that they are using the best resources available to understand the criminal mind.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to secure LEAA funding for grad school. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding financial support for his education and career advancement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the clash of ideologies between Holden and Shepard. They have opposing views on the role of psychology in criminal investigations, leading to a heated discussion.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist and Shepard have contrasting viewpoints and engage in a debate. The audience is unsure of how the argument will unfold.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene revolve around Holden's desire to update investigative techniques and Shepard's skepticism towards academic research. While not extremely high, the scene sets up the potential consequences of Holden's choices.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the conflict between Holden and Shepard and setting up the central theme of the series. It also introduces the University of Virginia as a significant location.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable as it follows a typical pattern of conflict and debate between characters. However, the specific arguments and viewpoints presented add some unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between relying on academic knowledge and practical experience in criminal investigation. Holden believes in the importance of incorporating current academic thinking, while Shepard argues that practical experience is more valuable.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene primarily focuses on intellectual and ideological conflict rather than emotional impact. However, it does create tension and anticipation for the challenges Holden will face in his career.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, exploring the clash of ideologies between Holden and Shepard. It effectively conveys their perspectives and adds depth to their characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it presents a clash of ideas and contrasting viewpoints. The dialogue-driven nature of the scene keeps the audience interested in the intellectual debate.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the back-and-forth dialogue and the tension between the characters. It keeps the scene engaging and allows for the development of the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the conflict, and develops the dialogue between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a trio of recruits measuring a woman on a bed while an instructor talks about a rape case. This setup feels disconnected from the previous scenes and lacks a clear transition.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Shepard about academic thinking in criminal psychology feels forced and heavy-handed. The arguments presented are not nuanced and lack depth.
  • The conflict between Holden and Shepard is resolved too easily with Shepard agreeing to recommend Holden for funding. This resolution feels rushed and lacks tension.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Shepard lacks subtext and subtlety. The characters directly state their opinions and motivations without leaving room for interpretation.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Holden starting his graduate studies at the University of Virginia. There is no clear resolution or sense of closure.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are minimal and do not contribute to the overall atmosphere or tone of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with some moments dragging on and others feeling rushed.
  • The dialogue lacks authenticity and naturalness, with characters speaking in a manner that feels scripted and artificial.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the opening of the scene to create a smoother transition from the previous scenes and establish a stronger connection to the overall narrative.
  • Develop the arguments about academic thinking in criminal psychology with more nuance and depth. Show conflicting viewpoints and allow the characters to engage in a more organic and realistic debate.
  • Increase the tension and stakes in the conflict between Holden and Shepard. Make the resolution more challenging and impactful.
  • Add subtext and subtlety to the dialogue, allowing the characters to convey their opinions and motivations through actions and subtext rather than direct statements.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or sense of closure at the end of the scene, tying it back to the larger narrative and character arcs.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting.
  • Refine the pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent rhythm and flow.
  • Work on making the dialogue more authentic and natural, capturing the unique voices and personalities of the characters.



Scene 10 - Recruitment and Dialogue
23 INT. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA/LIBRARY - NIGHT 23

HOLDEN studying textbooks and writing notes into the night,
just a few STUDENTS dotted about doing the same.

He looks up and catches sight of the young LECTURER from his
class sat at a desk, staring at him suspiciously. He stares
back.

CUT TO:

HOLDEN sits down at the lecturer’s desk. The LECTURER cleans
his glasses.

HOLDEN.
Mind if I sit here?

LECTURER.
You’re sitting here now.

HOLDEN.
I wasn’t aware of that project at
Bellevue.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 37.


LECTURER.
Well you should be.

HOLDEN.
Where I come from criminals are
just “born” that way.

LECTURER.
Some people will never stop
believing that. It’s too easy.

HOLDEN.
It lets us off the hook?

LECTURER.
Well, essentially we’re a puritan
nation. We blame all our problems
on a minority of “bad apples.”

HOLDEN.
What’s your name again? I forgot.
Leon?

LECTURER.
Buchanan. Leo.

HOLDEN.
Holden. Holden Ford.

He offers a hand to shake but LEO declines.

LEO.
I know who you are. Everybody does.

HOLDEN.
Yeah I’ve noticed some of the looks
I’ve been getting.

LEO.
“Funny looks” isn’t a Federal
offence yet. They’re just curious.

HOLDEN.
I’m not here to “spy.” It’s not
some kind of “cover.”

LEO.
Good. That would have been a really
pathetic cover.

HOLDEN.
I’m an instructor. I’m here to *
learn and I’m also here to try and
talk to people like you.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 38.


LEO.
What do you want to talk about?

HOLDEN.
I want you to have a dialogue with
me. Is that okay?

LEO.
A dialogue about what?

HOLDEN.
I work as an instructor in the
Bureau’s recruitment and training
program out of Quantico. We need
people like you.

LEO.
Wait, you’re trying to recruit me?

HOLDEN.
Is that a problem?

LEO.
I understand perfectly.

LEO shuts his book and gets up.

HOLDEN.
You call yourself a professor of
criminal psychology but you won’t
talk to the educational arm of the
FBI?

LEO.
Sign of the times, man.

LEO smiles and walks away.

24 INT. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA/CAFETERIA - DAY 24

HOLDEN and DEBBIE take lunch.

HOLDEN looks around at the other STUDENTS, a little paranoid.
Maybe one or two are staring back at him... but he’s wearing
a suit and tie so it’s not surprising.

HOLDEN just stares at his burger, not touching it,
preoccupied.

DEBBIE.
You’re not going to eat that?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 39.


HOLDEN.
Do these sad, fucking hippies
seriously believe they’re worthy of
an enormously costly, labour
intensive Federal surveillance
operation?

DEBBIE.
It sounds like the contempt is
mutual.

HOLDEN.
Don’t you think the traditional
counter culture/law enforcement
enmity is a little old hat by now?

DEBBIE.
It’ll never get old. They still *
can’t forgive you for putting a
tail on John and Yoko.

HOLDEN.
Frankly I’m surprised to have *
aroused such a degree of fucking
neurosis amongst apparently
intelligent people. Seriously,
they’re flattering themselves...

DEBBIE.
Hold on.

She plucks something protruding from his top pocket - long,
thin, polished steel like an antennae - a stainless steel
comb with a long thin handle.

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
They think you’re wearing a wire.

He eyes the comb exasperated, she drops it into his cup of
Coke.

DEBBIE. (CONT’D)
There. You’re one of us now.

25 INT. MOVIE CINEMA - NIGHT 25

Sydney Lumet’s “DOG DAY AFTERNOON” up on the screen. *

HOLDEN and DEBBIE watching, HOLDEN is eating pop corn.

PACINO outside the bank, watching ARMED POLICE creeping
closer -- he turns on the POLICE NEGOTIATOR, CHARLES DURNING,
standing nearby.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 40.


PACINO.
What’s he doing?

DURNING (TO ARMED POLICE.)
Will you get back! I don’t know
what the fuck they were doing back
there!

PACINO.
Get back there man! He wants to
kill me so bad he can taste it.

PACINO advances on the ARMED POLICE waving a handkerchief. *

HOLDEN staring, unsmiling, handful of pop corn frozen halfway *
to his mouth. *

PACINO. (O.O.V) (CONT’D) *
Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! *
Attica! Attica! *

*

CUT TO:

CHRIS SARANDON, in despair, talking to CHARLES DURNING.

SARANDON.
... I was so confused I was doing
insane things.

DURNING.
What sort of things Leon?

SARANDON.
After the wedding I ran off for ten
days to Atlantic City. Sonny was
frantic. He didn’t know where I
was, who I was with. Well I
couldn’t explain the things I did.
So I went to a psychiatrist... who
told me... that I was a woman
trapped inside a man’s body.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 41.


HOLDEN watches, moved. *
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Holden Ford engages in a dialogue with Leo, a criminal psychology professor, at the University of Virginia. They discuss the perception of criminals and the FBI's recruitment program. Holden tries to recruit Leo but faces resistance.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of criminal psychology
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores the themes of criminal psychology and recruitment while maintaining a serious and intense tone. The dialogue between Holden and Leo is confrontational and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring criminal psychology and the FBI's recruitment program is intriguing and engaging. It adds depth to the overall story and provides insight into the characters' motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Holden's attempt to recruit Leo and the resistance he faces. It adds tension and conflict to the story.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar, the dialogue and conflicts presented offer fresh perspectives on the nature of criminals and the challenges of law enforcement. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Holden and Leo are well-developed and their conflicting perspectives create interesting dynamics. Their dialogue reveals their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is a slight character change in Holden as he faces resistance from Leo. He becomes more determined and assertive in his recruitment efforts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish a dialogue with the young lecturer and recruit him for the FBI's recruitment and training program. This reflects the protagonist's desire to find and understand criminals and his belief that people like the lecturer can contribute to the program.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to recruit the young lecturer for the FBI's recruitment and training program. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing the lecturer to join and contribute to the program.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Holden and Leo adds tension and intensity to the scene. Their opposing viewpoints create a confrontational atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the lecturer challenges the protagonist's beliefs and motivations. The audience is unsure of how the interaction will unfold, adding to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are moderate. The outcome of Holden's recruitment efforts could impact the success of the FBI's program, but the immediate consequences are not life-threatening.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between Holden and Leo and highlighting the challenges of the FBI's recruitment program.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how the lecturer will respond to the protagonist's recruitment attempt. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the differing beliefs about the nature of criminals. The protagonist believes that criminals are born that way, while the lecturer believes that blaming all problems on a minority of 'bad apples' is too easy. This challenges the protagonist's belief that finding and understanding criminals is the key to solving crimes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of this scene is moderate. It primarily focuses on intellectual and ideological conflict rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is confrontational and thought-provoking. It effectively conveys the characters' perspectives and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict between the protagonist and the lecturer, creating tension and intrigue. The dialogue and character interactions also keep the audience interested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and allowing for moments of tension and reflection. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for the characters. It is not clear what Holden's goal is in talking to Leo or what he hopes to achieve by recruiting him for the FBI. This lack of clarity makes the scene feel aimless and unfocused.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Leo is overly expository and lacks subtlety. The conversation about criminal psychology and the FBI feels forced and unnatural.
  • The conflict between Holden and Leo is not fully explored or resolved. It is mentioned that Leo declines the recruitment offer, but there is no further exploration of the tension between them.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and actions that could enhance the storytelling. It relies heavily on dialogue, which makes it feel static and unengaging.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is inconsistent. It starts off tense and suspicious, then shifts to a more casual and flirtatious tone when Holden and Debbie have lunch. This inconsistency in tone makes the scene feel disjointed.
  • The scene lacks a clear ending or resolution. It simply transitions to Holden and Debbie watching a movie without any sense of closure or purpose.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objectives for the characters in the scene. What does Holden hope to achieve by talking to Leo? What is his ultimate goal in recruiting him for the FBI? This will give the scene a clearer direction and purpose.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Holden and Leo to make it more natural and subtle. Instead of directly discussing criminal psychology and the FBI, find a more organic way to explore these topics through their conversation.
  • Further develop the conflict between Holden and Leo. Explore their differing perspectives on criminal psychology and the FBI in more depth, and give them a chance to engage in a meaningful debate or argument.
  • Introduce more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling. Show the characters' body language, gestures, and reactions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Maintain a consistent emotional tone throughout the scene. Decide whether it should be tense and suspicious or casual and flirtatious, and make sure the tone is reflected in the characters' dialogue and actions.
  • Provide a clear ending or resolution to the scene. Give it a sense of closure or purpose that ties back to the overall story or character arcs.



Scene 11 - Flirtatious Conversation and Intimacy
26 EXT. MOVIE CINEMA - NIGHT 26

Other CINEMA-GOERS come out, chatting animatedly.

DEBBIE and HOLDEN come out and say nothing for a moment.

HOLDEN.
So they were both homosexuals? But
he was married? And his boyfriend *
wanted to become a woman, which is
confusing...

DEBBIE.
You really need to get out more
Holden.

HOLDEN.
So mixed up...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 42.


DEBBIE.
You didn’t like it?

HOLDEN.
No, I liked it. It was sad. He’s a
nut. But somehow I like him...

DEBBIE.
Yeah, you have empathy...

HOLDEN.
“Empathy,” right...

They walk to the car...

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
I really liked the dialogue. It was *
very... real. When I first started
at the Academy they used to send
the women out of the room if there
was to be any of that kind of talk.
They called it “deviant
terminology.” We had a list of
words we had to memorize.

She just looks at him.

DEBBIE.
Which words are you talking about?

HOLDEN.
You know, “fuck,” “shit,”
“pussy...”
(beat.)
“Blow job.”

They get in the car. *

CUT TO:

27 INT. DEBBIE’S BEDROOM/SHARED HOUSE - EVENING 27

HOLDEN and DEBBIE fucking exuberantly.

DEBBIE.
Oh fuck... yeah... oh shit...
finger my pussy... yeah that’s *
good... You want a blowjob? I’ll
give you a blowjob...


HOLDEN. *
Okay. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 42A.


*

She smirks. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 43.


HOLDEN’s face, disbelief, excitement.

CUT TO:

28 INT. DEBBIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 28

HOLDEN and DEBBIE side by side in bed, post coitel, it’s hard
to tell how much they enjoyed it. She looks at him but he
doesn’t look at her.

DEBBIE.
Don’t be embarrassed.

HOLDEN.
Did you orgasm?

DEBBIE.
Did I “orgasm?” What? I don’t *
believe you’re from New York...

HOLDEN.
You could be faking, right?

DEBBIE.
You can’t tell if a woman is *
faking?

HOLDEN.
I can’t even tell if a woman is
interested.

DEBBIE.
But you can tell if somebody’s
lying -- like a suspect?

HOLDEN.
Every time.

DEBBIE.
So pretend I’m a suspect.

He just looks at her, cogs whirring.

HOLDEN.
You mean like role play?

DEBBIE.
“Role play?”

HOLDEN.
We do it in social psychology.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 44.


DEBBIE.
I meant, use your powers of
deduction. How can you figure out
the criminal mind if you can’t even
figure out your girlfriend?

HOLDEN.
Are you my girlfriend? *

DEBBIE.
Wait. Is this another of those *
things you just can’t tell?

HOLDEN.
I don’t know... are you?

DEBBIE.
Sure I am. What do you need, an *
exchange of rings over a milkshake? *

He looks blank.

HOLDEN.
I don’t want to presume anything.

DEBBIE.
You really have a lot of gaps in
your knowledge. You’re like a monk. *
Surely people in law enforcement *
shouldn’t be so naive. It seems
wrong.

HOLDEN.
Does it make you uncomfortable
sleeping with a Federal agent?

DEBBIE.
Where did that come from?

HOLDEN.
Does it turn you on?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 45.


DEBBIE.
Oh, Holden... I like you, I really
do... I just use my brain in a
different way than you.

She studies him a moment.

HOLDEN.
It sounds complicated.

DEBBIE.
What’s wrong with complicated?”

Pause - they’ve run out of things to say.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Holden and Debbie have a flirtatious conversation after watching a movie. They discuss their thoughts on the film and Holden shares a personal experience from his time at the FBI academy. The conversation turns intimate as they explore their sexual desires and engage in role play. They also discuss their relationship and Holden's naivety. The scene ends with a moment of uncertainty and silence.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Flirtatious and intimate moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Explicit sexual content may make some viewers uncomfortable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the growing connection between Holden and Debbie through their flirtatious banter and intimate moments. The dialogue is engaging and reveals insights into their characters. However, some may find the explicit sexual content uncomfortable or unnecessary.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring sexuality and intimacy within a romantic relationship is well-executed. The scene also delves into Holden's personal experiences in law enforcement, providing a unique perspective on his character.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene focuses more on character development and relationship dynamics rather than advancing the overall story. However, it sets the stage for future conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and dialogue are not particularly unique or fresh. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is average.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Holden and Debbie are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Their chemistry and evolving relationship drive the scene and keep the audience engaged.

Character Changes: 6

Holden experiences a slight shift in his understanding of relationships and his own naivety. Debbie challenges his perspective and encourages him to explore his desires.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and make sense of the complex relationships and emotions portrayed in the movie they watched. This reflects their deeper need for connection and empathy.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined. The immediate circumstances or challenges they're facing are not explicitly mentioned.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is minimal, primarily revolving around Holden's naivety and the uncertainty in his relationship with Debbie. The tension arises from their contrasting perspectives and expectations.

Opposition: 2

The opposition in this scene is weak. There are no significant obstacles or challenges that create tension or uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal relationships and character development rather than life-or-death situations.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly advance the main plot but provides important insights into the characters' motivations and dynamics. It sets the stage for future conflicts and character growth.

Unpredictability: 3

This scene is not unpredictable. The dialogue and actions of the characters are expected and do not introduce any surprising or unexpected elements.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from playful and flirtatious to moments of vulnerability and uncertainty. The audience can empathize with the characters' desires and insecurities.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and captures the flirtatious and intimate tone of the scene. It reveals insights into the characters' thoughts, desires, and insecurities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the natural and relatable dialogue between the characters. It captures the audience's attention and keeps them invested in the conversation.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue flows smoothly and the scene transitions are well-timed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Holden and Debbie discussing the movie they just watched, but the dialogue feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear direction. It jumps from topic to topic without much depth or exploration.
  • The transition from the cinema to Debbie's bedroom feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It would benefit from a clearer transition or a more seamless connection between the two locations.
  • The dialogue during the sex scene feels forced and unnatural. It lacks the intimacy and authenticity that would make it more believable and engaging.
  • Holden's question about Debbie's orgasm feels out of place and awkward. It disrupts the flow of the scene and doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The conversation about role play and deduction feels forced and contrived. It doesn't flow naturally from the previous dialogue and feels like an attempt to inject tension or depth into the scene without much justification.
  • The ending of the scene, with Holden questioning their relationship and Debbie's response, feels unresolved and leaves the reader wanting more clarity or closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue in the beginning of the scene to have a clearer focus and direction. Explore the characters' reactions to the movie in more depth and use it as an opportunity to reveal more about their personalities or relationship.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the cinema and Debbie's bedroom. Consider adding a scene or dialogue that bridges the gap and helps the audience understand why they are suddenly in the bedroom.
  • Revise the dialogue during the sex scene to make it more authentic and intimate. Focus on the characters' emotions and connection rather than relying on explicit language.
  • Remove or rework the question about Debbie's orgasm to maintain the flow of the scene and avoid unnecessary awkwardness.
  • Reconsider the conversation about role play and deduction. Either find a more organic way to introduce it or explore a different topic that better aligns with the characters' personalities and the overall story.
  • Provide more clarity or closure in the ending of the scene. Consider having the characters discuss their relationship more openly or make a decision about their future together.



Scene 12 - Hostage Negotiation Training
29 INT. LECTURE THEATRE/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 29

HOLDEN is showing his class “DOG DAY AFTERNOON” on a 16 mm
REEL TO REEL PORTABLE FILM PROJECTOR.

The class watches the film in silence, earnestly studying the
screen as if it were a petri dish in a lab. Some take notes
as: *

CHARLES DURNING waits as AL PACINO carefully pokes out from *
the bank with a female TELLER.

DURNING.
Come on out. Now take a look at
this. Come on. Here look. Look up
here. Look over here... huh?

PACINO looks at the SNIPERS and ARMED SWAT POLICE with their
guns trained on him.

HOLDEN’S class watch, riveted -- PACINO’s great round eyes --
all that fear and trepidation -- demanding empathy.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 46.


HOLDEN stops the film to lecture the class, pointing at the *
frozen images with a pen.

HOLDEN.
Okay so what are they doing wrong
here?

SULLIVAN. *
They’re making him mad.

HOLDEN.
They’re making him scared.

SULLIVAN. *
So?

HOLDEN.
We don’t want him scared we want *
him calm. *

He speeds up the film and shows them a later part, watching
his class closely:

DURNING is tending to a bleeding PACINO, who has just been
jumped by somebody from the crowd.

DURNING. *
... Let me call them and see what *
they say. I’ll talk to them and
I’ll ask them. Now, is there
anything else I can give you?

PACINO weighs it up, reluctant.

PACINO.
Yeah, I want you to bring my wife
down here.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 47.


HOLDEN stops the film: *

HOLDEN. *
The man is robbing a bank to pay
for a sex change for his boyfriend -
- he wants a helicopter with a
piano -- but more than anything he
wants his wife.

The class mutters, bewildered but trying, nodding, intrigued,
engaged.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Complicated, right? Always expect
“complicated.”

He smiles, the class murmurs, dawning agreement.



30 INT. ACTIVITY ROOM/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY - DAY 30

HOLDEN with his class divided in half, one half of the class
is standing lined up facing the other half, like line
dancing, holding replica pistols.

HOLDEN.
... Think of an opening salvo then
think where this could lead. Use
your imagination. See where it
takes you.

Grunts and nods from the young agents.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Go ahead. Give it a try.

The first pair on the line start, two young white trainee
agents, MIKE and MARK.

MIKE has another TRAINEE in a headlock, his “hostage,” and is
pointing a replica pistol at him.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 48.


MARK.
“Put the gun down Mike.”

MIKE.
“Kiss my black ass, Mark!”

MARK.
What?

MIKE.
I’m negro.

MARK immediately looks stymied, he licks his lips, grits his
teeth, no idea what to say next.

SHEPARD appears in the bg, watching.

HOLDEN.
Keep it going. Whatever comes into
your head.

MARK.
“Fuck you!”

MIKE.
“No fuck you, motherfucker!”

HOLDEN.
Wait a minute. What is that?

MARK.
Street talk.

HOLDEN.
Nobody says that. In real life
people just press their demands.

Simultaneous: Two more agents, CHRIS and STEVE. CHRIS also
has a replica pistol and a “hostage.”

CHRIS.
“Put the gun down Steve. We’ve
brought your children to see you.”

STEVE.
“I don’t have custody of my
children!”

STEVE puts the “gun” to his own head. CHRIS looks blank.

HOLDEN.
Never talk to a divorced man about *
his kids. Try a different tact. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 49.


Meanwhile, MARK and MIKE develop their argument:

MARK.
“Put the fucking gun down!”

MIKE.
“Whyn’t you make me, you faggot? *

MARK shoves MIKE.

MARK.
I’m not a “faggot,” you dumb *
nigger! *

MIKE shoves back, the situation degenerates.

HOLDEN intervenes:

HOLDEN.
Okay, okay, wait, uh, “nigger” *
might be construed as pejorative *
... *

The other trainees improvise various hostage negotiation
situations -- one of the class, SULLIVAN, raises his hand.

SULLIVAN.
Excuse me. What is the point of
this?

HOLDEN.
Psychologically preparing you for
reality -- and the reality is you
need to talk to them. Somebody
demands the impossible, you can’t
just shoot him.

SULLIVAN.
Then why do we have firearms
training?

HOLDEN.
Because that’s a tactical response
for when all else fails.

SULLIVAN.
But if local law enforcement can’t
shut it down then it has required a
tactical response.

HOLDEN.
Okay, but wouldn’t you like to try
something different? Or would you
rather use firearms all the time?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 50.


SULLIVAN.
I’d rather use firearms.

HOLDEN.
Why?

SULLIVAN.
Seems safer.

SHEPARD just watches, impassive.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden Ford teaches a class of FBI trainees about hostage negotiation techniques using a film example. He emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding the psychology of criminals. The trainees engage in role play exercises to practice their negotiation skills.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Realistic portrayal of FBI training
  • Educational tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and importance of hostage negotiation training. It provides valuable insights into the psychological aspects of criminal investigations and engages the audience with its intense and educational tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a film example to teach hostage negotiation techniques is innovative and engaging. It allows the trainees to analyze and discuss the actions of the characters, promoting critical thinking and understanding of the subject matter.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Holden teaching the trainees about hostage negotiation techniques. While it is not a complex or dramatic plot, it effectively serves its purpose of providing valuable information and engaging the audience.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of training FBI agents in hostage negotiation tactics is not entirely unique, the specific approach of challenging traditional reliance on firearms and promoting empathy and communication is fresh and original. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden Ford is the main character in this scene, and he is portrayed as knowledgeable and passionate about his work. The trainees serve as supporting characters, representing the eager and curious students. While the character development is limited in this scene, it effectively serves the purpose of the training session.

Character Changes: 5

There are no significant character changes in this scene. The focus is more on teaching and learning rather than character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to teach his class about effective hostage negotiation tactics and to challenge their preconceived notions about using firearms as the primary response. This reflects his deeper desire to change the way law enforcement approaches crisis situations and to promote more effective communication and empathy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to demonstrate and explain effective hostage negotiation tactics to his class. This reflects the immediate challenge of training the young agents to think differently and to develop their skills in non-violent conflict resolution.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as the trainees struggle to apply the techniques they have learned and face challenges in their role play exercises. The conflict is not intense or dramatic, but it serves its purpose of providing a learning experience for the trainees.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by his class and the larger law enforcement community. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved and is invested in seeing the protagonist overcome this opposition.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it primarily focuses on training and learning rather than a high-stakes situation. However, the importance of the skills being taught adds a sense of importance and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing valuable information and insights into hostage negotiation techniques. It contributes to the overall narrative by showcasing Holden's expertise and his role as a teacher.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations by presenting unconventional approaches to hostage negotiation and by introducing a philosophical conflict that goes against traditional law enforcement beliefs and values.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's belief in the power of communication and empathy versus the traditional reliance on firearms and tactical responses. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as well as the beliefs and values of his class and the larger law enforcement community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene does not evoke strong emotional reactions from the audience. However, it does create a sense of tension and engagement through the intense and educational tone.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is informative and engaging. It effectively conveys the concepts and techniques of hostage negotiation while also showcasing the trainees' reactions and understanding. The dialogue between Holden and the trainees is realistic and promotes active learning.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and challenges the audience's expectations. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and intrigue, and the philosophical conflict adds depth and complexity to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and moments of reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and the actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, concise and impactful action lines, and properly formatted dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a setup of the world and the characters, introduces the internal and external goals of the protagonist, presents a philosophical conflict, and concludes with a resolution and a setup for future scenes.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or conflict. It seems to be a continuation of the previous scene where Holden is teaching his class, but there is no clear purpose or goal for this particular scene.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural. The conversations between the characters, especially during the hostage negotiation exercise, come across as stilted and unrealistic.
  • The scene lacks visual elements or actions that could enhance the storytelling. It relies heavily on dialogue, which makes it less engaging for the audience.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is unclear. It starts with the class watching a film in silence, then transitions to a tense hostage negotiation exercise, but there is no clear emotional arc or progression.
  • The conflict between Holden and Shepard is not fully explored or resolved. It is mentioned briefly in the scene, but there is no further development or resolution.
  • The scene lacks a strong ending or resolution. It simply ends with Shepard watching Holden continue to instruct his class, leaving the audience without a sense of closure or satisfaction.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective or purpose of the scene. What is the main goal or conflict that the characters are trying to achieve or overcome?
  • Work on improving the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic. Consider how real people would speak in these situations and strive for authenticity.
  • Introduce more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling. Show the characters' reactions, body language, or use of props to make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Establish a clear emotional tone for the scene and ensure that it is consistent throughout. Decide on the specific emotions you want to evoke in the audience and shape the scene accordingly.
  • Further develop the conflict between Holden and Shepard. Explore their differing opinions and motivations in more depth, and provide a resolution or progression to their conflict.
  • Craft a stronger ending for the scene that provides closure or leaves the audience with a sense of satisfaction. Consider how the scene can contribute to the overall narrative arc of the screenplay.



Scene 13 - Training and Recruitment
31 INT. HALLWAY/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY, QUANTICO - DAY 31

As the classes files out, SHEPARD waits for HOLDEN.

As he joins him:

SHEPARD.
Holden. I enjoyed that immensely.
What do you call that?

HOLDEN.
It’s just “role playing.”
In a simulated hostage situation.

SHEPARD.
“Stimulated?”

HOLDEN.
“Simulated.”

SHEPARD.
All that profanity -- is that an
academic thing?

HOLDEN.
They’re improvising. They’re
learning to create a dialogue.

SHEPARD.
How is all that cussing “creating a
dialogue?”

HOLDEN.
It’s not really about the
cussing...

SHEPARD.
I’m sure it’s quite modern and
fashionable in academic circles but
it just seems theatrical to me.

HOLDEN blinks, chastened.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 51.


HOLDEN.
Well in Criminal Psych, role
playing exercises are considered a
valuable tool, with or without
cussing.

SHEPARD.
I think we have enough exercises
here at the Academy. If you’re
going to start implementing new
ones you need to talk to somebody
in the Behavioral Science Unit. *

HOLDEN.
You think they can help? *

SHEPARD. *
They can go over the psychology *
with you. That’s their thing. *

HOLDEN. *
OK... good idea... *

SHEPARD. *
Why don’t I set that up for you?

HOLDEN.
Okay, thank you, yes.

SHEPARD smiles a little mechanically and walks off.

HOLDEN watches him go...

(PRE-LAP) GUN SHOTS.

32 EXT. FBI TRAINING ACADEMY QUANTICO - DAY 32

More gunfire... POP POP POP...

HOLDEN listens as he walks past a SHOOTING RANGE. He stops a
moment to watch the NEW AGENTS energetically shooting at *
targets, some CROUCHING, some standing. They shoot a lot of
rounds with hand guns.

Proximity to GUN SHOTS still makes HOLDEN flinch.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden Ford attends a training session at the FBI academy where he discusses the importance of psychology in criminal investigations with his superior, Shepard. They debate the relevance of academic research and the need for practical knowledge. Shepard offers Holden a deal to recommend him for funding if he helps with recruitment. The scene then transitions to Holden attending a lecture at the University of Virginia. Holden engages in a dialogue with Leo, a criminal psychology professor, at the University of Virginia. They discuss the perception of criminals and the FBI's recruitment program. Holden tries to recruit Leo but faces resistance. Holden and Debbie have a flirtatious conversation after watching a movie. They discuss their thoughts on the film and Holden shares a personal experience from his time at the FBI academy. The conversation turns intimate as they explore their sexual desires and engage in role play. They also discuss their relationship and Holden's naivety. The scene ends with a moment of uncertainty and silence. Holden Ford teaches a class of FBI trainees about hostage negotiation techniques using a film example. He emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding the psychology of criminals. The trainees engage in role play exercises to practice their negotiation skills.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of psychology in criminal investigations
  • Flirtatious conversation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of training, recruitment, personal relationships, and teaching, providing a well-rounded and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the psychology of criminals and its application in investigations is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses smoothly, introducing new elements such as recruitment and personal relationships while maintaining a focus on the main theme of criminal psychology.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of role-playing exercises in criminal psychology training is not entirely unique, the specific dialogue and interactions between the characters add freshness to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are engaging, particularly the flirtatious conversation between Holden and Debbie.

Character Changes: 6

Holden experiences a moment of uncertainty and silence at the end of the scene, indicating a potential change in his perspective or mindset.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to defend and justify the use of role-playing exercises in criminal psychology training. This reflects Holden's deeper desire to challenge traditional methods and push the boundaries of understanding criminal behavior.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Shepard to set up a meeting with the Behavioral Science Unit to discuss implementing new exercises. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support and approval for his ideas.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Holden and Shepard regarding the relevance of role playing exercises, but overall the scene lacks intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. Shepard represents the opposing viewpoint to Holden's ideas, creating a conflict that challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about whether Holden will be able to convince Shepard or face further obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, with the focus being more on character development and exploration of themes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements such as recruitment and personal relationships, advancing the overall story.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a conflict between the protagonist and Shepard, leaving the audience uncertain about the outcome and the direction of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional and modern approaches to criminal psychology. Shepard represents the traditional viewpoint, viewing role-playing exercises as theatrical and unnecessary, while Holden advocates for their value and effectiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits some emotional response through the flirtatious conversation and exploration of sexual desires, but it is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and effectively conveys the characters' thoughts and emotions. The flirtatious conversation and role play add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflicts and challenges for the protagonist, creates tension through dialogue and character interactions, and sets up future developments in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow. The dialogue exchanges are concise and purposeful, keeping the scene moving forward without unnecessary delays.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The scene is well-paced and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and introduces the characters through their dialogue and actions. The scene progresses with a clear goal and conflict, leading to a resolution and setting up the next scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or purpose. It seems to be a transitional scene between the previous and next scenes, but it doesn't add much to the overall story.
  • The conflict between Holden and Shepard feels forced and doesn't add much to the scene. It seems like a minor disagreement that could have been resolved quickly and easily.
  • The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, particularly in the exchange between Holden and Shepard. It doesn't flow well and feels like the characters are just reciting lines.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions, which makes it feel static and uninteresting.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is unclear. It starts off tense and confrontational, but ends on a more positive note with Shepard offering to set up a meeting for Holden. This inconsistency makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
  • The use of gunshots in the background feels heavy-handed and unnecessary. It doesn't add anything to the scene and feels like a cheap way to create tension.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective of the scene and make sure it adds something meaningful to the overall story.
  • Consider reworking the conflict between Holden and Shepard to make it more significant and impactful.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it feel more natural and authentic to the characters.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Choose a consistent emotional tone for the scene and stick with it throughout.
  • Consider removing the use of gunshots in the background, or finding a more subtle way to create tension.



Scene 14 - Recruitment and Connection
33 INT. CAFETERIA/FBI TRAINING ACADEMY - DAY 33

Dozens of NEW AGENTS with trays of food, eating or getting *
food.

HOLDEN sits slowly eating a sandwich, preoccupied with the
argument, he puts it down, no appetite.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 51A.


Some trainees file past Holden and greet him, one pats him on
the back, the class has made him popular.

Somebody comes and sits opposite with a tray: a quiet,
serious-looking agent of about 40, BILL TENCH.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 52.


BILL just has a cup of black coffee on the tray, which he
pours several sachets of sugar into -- he smiles at HOLDEN.

TENCH.
Holden, right? Holden Ford?

HOLDEN.
Hi.

TENCH.
Bill Tench. Behavioral Science.

HOLDEN.
Oh. Great to meet you.

HOLDEN stands to greet him, eager. They shake hands

TENCH.
You met Peter Wilson?

HOLDEN.
Interesting guy. I liked what he
said.

TENCH.
You did huh? Can I sit?

HOLDEN.
Please.

TENCH sits, puts his tray down and lights a cigarette --
HOLDEN eyes the smoke apprehensively.

TENCH.
Smoke?

HOLDEN.
I don’t smoke when I eat.

TENCH.
You want to go outside?

HOLDEN.
I don’t smoke when I don’t eat
either.

TENCH crushes out his cigarette in a cup and saucer, but it
continues to smoke.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Did Shepard talk to you about my
thing?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 53.


TENCH.
He did his best.

HOLDEN.
What does that mean?

TENCH.
He can be pretty old school. I call *
this place “The Country Club” *
because, you know, it’s a little *
starchy sometimes. *

HOLDEN.
I hear that. *

TENCH.
You went back to college, right?

HOLDEN.
University of Virginia.

TENCH.
How old are you, twenty six, twenty
seven?

HOLDEN.
Twenty nine.

TENCH.
That’s interesting. A lot of guys
your age don’t want to go back to
school because they feel it
undermines their authority.

HOLDEN.
I’m hoping it’ll give me authority.

TENCH.
He‘s got you doing recruitment,
right?

HOLDEN.
Well I’m there, so I might as well
make myself useful...

TENCH.
Most guys don’t like to get stuck
in recruitment -- they’re busy
working their way upwards.

HOLDEN.
Yeah, I’m working my way
sideways...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 53A.


TENCH.
You’re what they call a “blue
flamer.” You know what that is?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 54.


HOLDEN.
No I’ve never heard of that...

TENCH.
You’re so eager to do good you have
a big blue flame shooting out of
your asshole.

HOLDEN.
Oh. Is that bad? *

TENCH.
No, just -- slow down. You’ll get
there in the end.

HOLDEN doesn’t know what to say to that:

HOLDEN.
... I’m just trying to be a better
instructor... *

TENCH.
Right. Well I was thinking about
that. If you really want to know *
what people want to learn, I have *
an idea. I started this thing a *
couple of years ago. I go out on
the road and give classes in *
various police departments from *
Buffalo New York to Sacramento
California, there’s a million cops
out there who want to know what we
know. I go to them, give them a *
distillation of the stuff we teach *
here, they tell me what they’ve
been doing: They learn something, I
learn something by getting involved *
on a local level. It’s a great way *
to get away from the “Country *
Club.” But it’s a big job, you *
know? I’m up to neck in local law *
enforcement. *

HOLDEN.
You want help with that? *

TENCH.
Maybe we can help each other.

34 EXT. IOWA/PRAIRIE/BACK ROADS - DAY 34

TENCH smoking and driving, his tie loosened, he’s sweating,
exhausted from the fourteen hour drive -- they’re in the
middle of nowhere, through rolling farmland, cornfields.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 54A.


HOLDEN riding shotgun, fresher than TENCH, his tie still done
up neatly.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 55.


Piled onto the back seat of the car are their teaching aids -
a projector, carousels of slides, a screen, books and
mimeograph pages in boxes.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden Ford meets Bill Tench, a Behavioral Science agent, at the FBI training academy cafeteria. They discuss Holden's role in recruitment and Tench's idea of teaching classes in various police departments. Tench offers Holden a chance to help each other. The scene then transitions to Tench and Holden driving to Iowa for their teaching session.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Establishing relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character, establishes the relationship between Holden and Tench, and sets up future plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the FBI recruitment process and the dynamics between agents is interesting and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Holden and Tench discuss their roles and potential collaboration.

Originality: 4

This scene does not contain any particularly unique situations or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Holden and Tench are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 5

There is a slight character change as Holden becomes more aware of the challenges he may face in his role.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a good impression on Bill Tench and establish a connection with him. This reflects Holden's deeper need for validation and acceptance from his peers and superiors.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated. However, it can be inferred that Holden's external goal is to find a way to contribute and be useful in his role at the FBI Training Academy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between Holden's eagerness and Tench's caution.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. There is a slight tension between Holden and Bill Tench due to their different perspectives, but it is not a major obstacle or conflict.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene as it focuses more on character development and setup.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a potential collaboration between Holden and Tench.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Holden will respond to Bill Tench's comments and suggestions. However, the overall outcome of the scene is not highly unpredictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact as it explores the characters' motivations and desires.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Holden and Tench is engaging and reveals their perspectives on their work.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character, Bill Tench, and establishes a potential partnership between him and the protagonist, Holden. The dialogue between the characters is witty and humorous, keeping the audience interested in their conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue flows smoothly, and the scene progresses at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their conversation.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or conflict. It seems to serve as a casual conversation between Holden and Tench, but it doesn't drive the story forward or create any tension.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural. The conversation between Holden and Tench doesn't flow smoothly and some lines come across as awkward.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the dynamics between Holden and Tench. They could have delved deeper into their different approaches to teaching and their contrasting personalities.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to make it more engaging. Currently, it relies heavily on dialogue, which can make it feel static.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is unclear. It starts off friendly and informative, but there is no clear shift or progression in the emotions of the characters.
  • The transition to the next scene feels abrupt and disconnected. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition or a clearer link between the two scenes.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear objective or conflict for the scene. This could be a disagreement between Holden and Tench about their teaching methods or a discussion about a specific case they are working on.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. Consider adding subtext or layers to the conversation to make it more interesting.
  • Explore the dynamics between Holden and Tench. Show their contrasting personalities and teaching styles through their actions and dialogue.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic. This could include gestures, facial expressions, or movements that reveal the characters' emotions or intentions.
  • Establish a clear emotional arc for the scene. Start with a friendly and informative tone, but gradually introduce tension or conflict to create a more engaging scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between this scene and the next. Find a way to link the two scenes thematically or through a shared objective to create a more cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 15 - FBI Training Session in Fairfield
35 EXT. FAIRFIELD/LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY 35

The car parked up, TENCH watches us HOLDEN lifts the heavy
slide projector. TENCH balances carousels of slides on top.

TENCH retrieves a handful of mimeographs from the back seat --
that’s all he’s carrying.

TITLE: Fairfield Police Department, Iowa. *

They eye a few LOCAL PRESS MEN hanging around with notebooks
and cameras, waiting.

TENCH.
Today might be a baptism of fire. I *
think the class is going to be a *
little on edge after what
happened... but just follow my *
lead. *

HOLDEN.
What happened?”

TENCH.
They just caught a big case so *
they’re spooked. Don’t talk to the
reporters and don’t for God’s sake
say we’re from the FBI.

HOLDEN.
Sure. I got it.

TENCH. *
You can come back for the rest. *

A REPORTER approaches TENCH.

REPORTER 1. *
Excuse me gentlemen. I’m from the
Fairfield Daily Chronicle. You
gentlemen are from the FBI, right?

TENCH and HOLDEN say nothing, busy unloading.

REPORTER 2. *
How are things going with the
Jeffrey case?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 56.


TENCH.
I have no idea what you are talking
about.

REPORTER 2. *
The Jeffrey case. Mary Jeffrey. The *
woman they found on the steps of
the Methodist church.

HOLDEN.
We’re here for something else. *

REPORTER 1. *
The woman with the little boy --

TENCH.
We’re instructors. *

The REPORTER goes and another REPORTER approaches, from a
different direction.

REPORTER 2.
Are you from the Methodist church?

TENCH.
Do we look like we’re from the
Methodist church?

REPORTER 1. *
Yes.

TENCH.
Make a hole. *

A POLICE CAPTAIN comes out, TENCH and HOLDEN join him and
shake hands etc.

36 INT. FAIRFIELD/LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY 36

TENCH and HOLDEN in front of the class of local POLICE
OFFICERS and DETECTIVES - about 20 in uniform and plain
clothes, aged from twenties to fifty. *

TENCH is lecturing with evangelical fervor, HOLDEN writing on
a blackboard.

TENCH.
... It used to be about finding
“the murder weapon.” “The witness.”
“The alibi.” In the nineteen
seventies it’s about behavior.
(MORE)
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 57.

TENCH. (CONT'D)
Psychology. If you can piece
together what’s happened, if you
can figure out how and why then
maybe you can figure out who.

HOLDEN writes on the blackboard: WHY + HOW = WHO

TENCH. (CONT’D)
Who did it? Who is he? Who is she?
“Who” is the hard part.

HOLDEN steps forward, nervous, addressing the class for the
first time.

HOLDEN.
When I instruct hostage *
negotiation, I say you have to know
who you are talking to in order to
know what he is liable to do. *

TENCH.
Right. In a homicide situation it’s
the same principal. You have to
know who your victim is in order to
discover who your killer is.
What was their background? What was
their psychology?
Context is everything.

The POLICE OFFICERS stare, concentrating, uncertain. *

TENCH. (CONT’D)
Analyse the crime. What exactly did
the killer do? How did he do it?
Which might get us to Why did he do
it? It follows that Who Did It is
not far behind.

HOLDEN writes on the blackboard: WHO + WHY = CONVICTION

TENCH. (CONT’D)
So. What’s the first thing we learn
to look for when a crime is
committed?

A YOUNG COP puts up his hand. *

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 1. *
You have to find the motive?
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 58.


TENCH.
What is the motive? Or, as we say
in the Behavioral Science Unit,
“What in God’s name was going
through his mind? My God, is he
insane?” Motive is mysterious. And *
if the killer doesn’t know why he
did it, how the hell are we
supposed to?

HOLDEN writes on the blackboard: MOTIVE = X

TENCH. (CONT’D)
Here’s the problem: You may never
understand the motive.

HOLDEN writes on the blackboard: X = UNKNOWN

An OLDER DETECTIVE of about fifty is watching this double
act, askance.

TENCH. (CONT’D)
Holden?

HOLDEN clears his throat to address the class, somewhat
formally, trying to sound authoritative.

TENCH encourages him forward.

HOLDEN.
Who? Why? How? These are the
questions asked by poets and *
philosophers and theologians,
social workers and judges since
time immemorial. The questions *
asked by by Dostoyevsky and Freud. *
The stuff of “Crime and Punishment” *
and “Beyond the Pleasure *
Principal...” *

The CLASS all exchange looks, bemused. *

TENCH is not keen on waxing lyrical -- he smiles tolerantly
and keeps a wary eye on HOLDEN.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
In fact they comprise the central
issue of what we call, for want of
a better phrase, the human
condition. And the simple truth
about humanity is: it’s
unfathomable.
(MORE)
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 59.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
And if it weren’t, well,
Dostoyevsky would have had nothing
to write about.

Most of the assembled COPS look utterly blank now, skeptical,
not responding at all anymore. Holden’s lost them.

TENCH.
Thank you Holden. That was very...
illuminating...

The OLDER DETECTIVE smirks, shaking his head.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden and Tench arrive at the Fairfield Police Department in Iowa to teach a class of local police officers and detectives. The officers are skeptical and unsure about the new approach of using psychology in criminal investigations. Holden and Tench emphasize the importance of understanding the psychology of criminals and analyzing their behavior to solve crimes. They discuss the challenges of finding motive and the unfathomable nature of humanity. The scene ends with the officers looking skeptical and Holden's attempt to connect with them falling flat.
Strengths
  • Introducing the concept of using psychology in criminal investigations
  • Establishing the skepticism and resistance from traditional law enforcement officers
Weaknesses
  • Lack of engaging dialogue and delivery
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively introduces the main theme of the series - using psychology in criminal investigations. It also establishes the skepticism and resistance from traditional law enforcement officers. However, the dialogue and delivery could have been more engaging to maintain the audience's interest.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using psychology in criminal investigations is innovative and intriguing. It sets the stage for a unique approach to solving crimes and delving into the minds of criminals.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene mainly focuses on introducing the concept and the skepticism of the police officers. It lacks significant development or progression.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

Holden and Tench are the main characters in this scene. While they effectively convey their expertise and passion for the subject, their interactions with the police officers could have been more dynamic and engaging.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in this scene. Holden and Tench remain consistent in their beliefs and approach.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully navigate the tense situation and establish credibility as instructors. This reflects their deeper need for validation and recognition of their expertise.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deliver a successful lecture to the class of police officers and detectives. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining their trust and respect as instructors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between the traditional law enforcement officers and the new approach of using psychology. However, the conflict is not fully explored or developed in this scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The characters face challenges from the reporters and the skepticism of the police officers. The audience is unsure of how the characters will handle these obstacles.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low as it mainly focuses on introducing the concept and the skepticism of the police officers.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept and the skepticism of the police officers. However, it lacks significant plot progression.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how the characters will handle the reporters and navigate the class. The outcome is uncertain.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene lacks emotional impact as it mainly focuses on introducing the concept and the skepticism of the police officers.

Dialogue: 5

The dialogue in this scene is informative and sets up the main theme. However, it lacks depth and fails to fully engage the audience.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a tense situation and conflict between the characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience interested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and introducing the conflict between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses with dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, which can make it feel stagnant and unengaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Tench and Holden feels a bit on-the-nose and expository, lacking subtlety and nuance.
  • The interaction with the reporters feels forced and unrealistic, with the reporters persistently asking about a case that Tench and Holden are not involved in.
  • Holden's speech to the class comes across as overly philosophical and disconnected from the practical aspects of their work, causing the police officers to become disengaged.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to add depth and interest.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension in the scene to make it more engaging. This could be achieved by having Tench and Holden disagree on their approach to teaching or by introducing a challenging situation for them to navigate.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Tench and Holden to make it more natural and subtle. Instead of explicitly stating their roles and instructions, allow their conversation to reveal their dynamic and objectives.
  • Revise the interaction with the reporters to make it more believable. Consider having Tench and Holden deflect the questions more effectively or have the reporters ask more relevant and realistic questions.
  • Refine Holden's speech to the class to make it more practical and relatable. Connect his philosophical ideas to real-life examples and experiences that the police officers can relate to.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to the scene to enhance the visual storytelling. This could include showing the body language and reactions of the police officers, or incorporating props and gestures that reinforce the concepts being discussed.



Scene 16 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department
37 INT. FAIRFIELD POLICE DEPT - DAY 37

VARIOUS YOUNG LOCAL POLICE OFFICERS talking to HOLDEN and
TENCH after class, wanting to ask questions. Some have paper
cups of coffee, tea, cookies...

The OLDER DETECTIVE is lurking in the background chain
smoking.

LOCAL POLICE OFFICER 1. *
... For me, the stuff about Why and
How equalling Who makes a lot of
common sense. But the other stuff
about “Dostoyevsky” just seems to
be over complicating...

Murmurs and grunts of agreement.

LOCAL POLICE OFFICER 1. (CONT’D) *
It’s kinda lofty.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 2.
I think you overestimate the
importance of “motive.” A guy
steals a refrigerator - what’s the
“motive?” He’s a thief. Go catch
him.

HOLDEN.
Yes but if he came back and stole
your wife’s panties off the washing
line you’d want to know more about
him, right?

Laughter amongst the young cops.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 3. *
If he stole my wife’s panties I’d
be amazed...
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 60.


TENCH.
Okay - the point is supposing he
gets such a kick out of it that *
next time he wants to go further *
and try something worse. *

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER.
What could be worse? *

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 2.
Her brassiere.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 3.
Her shoes and a toaster.

General hilarity. HOLDEN and TENCH sense they’re losing them.

The OLDER DETECTIVE just snorts with derision.

OLDER DETECTIVE.
“Why plus How equals Who? What plus
Who equals Where? Why minus When
Equals Zero.”

He gets up to go.

OLDER DETECTIVE. (CONT’D)
Zero.

He goes, everybody quiet.

38 EXT. FAIRFIELD MOTEL/POOL - EVENING 38

HOLDEN and TENCH slumped despondent on plastic loungers
outside their motel room, overlooking a swimming pool, tired,
wan, drinking too much beer.

Cars hiss by on the highway.

HOLDEN. *
They don’t want to learn -- what
are they doing here?

TENCH.
Just don’t make it too complicated.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 61.


HOLDEN.
“What’s wrong with complicated?”

TENCH.
There’s complicated and there’s
“too complicated,” Holden.

HOLDEN.
We used to do this experiment in
college, in social psychology...

TENCH hands him another beer, opens one for himself.

TENCH.
Uh-huh, what is that?

HOLDEN.
You get into a crowded elevator and
if you face the opposite direction -
- the back of the elevator -- it
freaks everyone out. It makes them
uncomfortable for no reason they
can articulate. But if you turn
around and face front, everybody
relaxes and gets behind you.

TENCH.
How do we do that?

HOLDEN.
We know what we can’t agree upon.
What can we all agree on?
What do we have in common?
What keeps us awake at night?
What unites us?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden and Tench teach a class of local police officers and detectives at the Fairfield Police Department in Iowa. The officers are skeptical about using psychology in criminal investigations. Holden and Tench emphasize the importance of understanding the psychology of criminals and analyzing their behavior to solve crimes. The scene ends with the officers looking skeptical and Holden's attempt to connect with them falling flat.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of psychology in criminal investigations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7

The scene effectively showcases the challenges faced by Holden and Tench in trying to introduce a new approach to the local police officers. The humorous dialogue adds an entertaining element to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using psychology in criminal investigations is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Holden and Tench's attempt to teach the local police officers about the importance of psychology in criminal investigations.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to discussing criminal motives and the use of humor to engage the audience. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden and Tench are well-developed characters who showcase their expertise and passion for their work.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the young police officers to consider the importance of understanding a criminal's motives. This reflects his deeper need to challenge traditional thinking and explore the psychology behind criminal behavior.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to engage the young police officers in a meaningful discussion about criminal motives. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining their attention and changing their perspective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a conflict between the skepticism of the local police officers and Holden and Tench's belief in the importance of psychology in criminal investigations.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as the young police officers are initially resistant but eventually engage in the conversation. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold, but the outcome is not highly uncertain.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene as it focuses more on introducing a new concept rather than immediate danger or conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Holden and Tench's efforts to introduce their approach to the local police officers.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected humor and challenges the audience's assumptions about criminal motives. The characters' responses and the direction of the conversation are not easily anticipated.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the difference in opinion between the protagonist and the young police officers regarding the importance of understanding criminal motives. This challenges the protagonist's belief that motive is crucial in solving crimes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene lacks significant emotional impact, focusing more on the intellectual debate between the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and effectively conveys the contrasting perspectives of the local police officers and Holden and Tench.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, intellectual discourse, and relatable situations to captivate the audience's attention. The witty dialogue and the characters' interactions create a sense of intrigue and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of humor and reflection, while also maintaining a sense of forward momentum in the conversation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by clearly indicating the location, time of day, and character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by presenting a conversation between characters in a police department and then transitioning to a different location for further discussion.


Critique
  • The scene starts off well with the young local police officers engaging in conversation with Holden and Tench after class. This creates a sense of camaraderie and allows for the exploration of different perspectives.
  • The dialogue between the officers and Holden/Tench is light and humorous, which adds some levity to the scene. However, it becomes clear that the officers are not fully grasping the concepts being discussed, leading to a sense of frustration for Holden and Tench.
  • The introduction of the older detective adds an interesting dynamic to the scene, as he is critical and dismissive of the theories being presented. This creates tension and highlights the divide between the older generation and the younger officers.
  • The transition to the motel scene is effective in conveying the despondency and exhaustion felt by Holden and Tench. The use of visual elements, such as the plastic loungers and the highway, helps to set the tone.
  • The conversation between Holden and Tench in the motel scene provides some insight into their characters and their differing approaches to teaching. It also hints at the underlying theme of simplicity versus complexity.
  • Overall, the scene effectively portrays the challenges faced by Holden and Tench in trying to teach and communicate their theories to the young officers. It also sets up the conflict between traditional methods and the new approach being introduced by Holden and Tench.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate the concepts being discussed. This could help the young officers better understand and relate to the material.
  • Explore the tension between Holden and Tench and the older detective further. This could provide an opportunity for deeper character development and add another layer of conflict to the scene.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or actions that reflect the frustration and tension in the dialogue. This could enhance the overall impact of the scene.
  • To further emphasize the theme of simplicity versus complexity, consider having Holden and Tench engage in a more direct debate or discussion about their teaching methods. This could add depth to their characters and provide a clearer contrast between their approaches.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or introspection for Holden and Tench in the motel scene. This could allow for a deeper exploration of their motivations and the challenges they face.



Scene 17 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department
39 INT. FAIRFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY 39

On the slide projector appears an image of CHARLES MANSON,
staring crazily.

The class respond, muttering, commenting now - one or two
calling out and throwing paper missiles at the screen - this
is something they’re ALL interested in.

Only the OLDER DETECTIVE is shaking his head and muttering.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 62.


HOLDEN.
... When he was ten years old, his
jailbird prostitute mother palmed
young Charles off onto his sadistic
Bible-bashing uncle who beat him
and taunted him to “act like a
man.” Young Charles tried
everything from pimping to armed
robbery and spent his young adult
life in increasingly tough high
security institutions until he was
paroled in 1967, during the summer
of love - and our nightmare began.
What does this tell us about the
desperate crimes of Charles Manson?

The class titters and mutters, not buying this.

HOLDEN changes the slide - a picture of MANSON as a YOUNG *
INNOCENT CHILD.

HOLDEN. (CONT’D)
Here we have a young man who was
unwanted, unloved, regularly beaten
and serially institutionalized.
Might this have had some sort of an
effect on him?

The class looks blank or silently grin, baffled by this line.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER. *
He was “born bad.” *

A few grunts of assent now from the class.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 2. *
Born evil.

HOLDEN.
But really what does that mean? Can
we be more specific? He didn’t pick
up a knife. Technically he didn’t
“kill” anybody...

TENCH cuts his eyes at HOLDEN, trying to shut him up.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER.
He was cold-blooded, man. Bad to
the bone.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 2.
There’s your motive right there.
Pure evil.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 63.


HOLDEN.
Sure, that’s the Old Testament
theory but... just look at his
background. How could we not have
seen this coming?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
We did.

HOLDEN.
I’m sorry?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
He was institutionalized when he
was a boy because we could see it
coming.

Everybody looks at the OLDER DETECTIVE, expectant. HOLDEN is
floored momentarily - TENCH shoots him a look, “nice try.”

HOLDEN.
Okay, but -- I’m saying maybe, just
maybe locking him up all his young
life helped make him what he was?

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER
Whaaaat?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
No.

YOUNG POLICE OFFICER 2.
What the fuck?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
They locked him up because they
already knew what he was.

HOLDEN.
Well, I happen to think there’s a
flaw in that kind of thinking --

The OLDER DETECTIVE gets to his feet.

OLDER DETECTIVE.
Oh you do, huh?

Everybody turns to look at HOLDEN. TENCH is looking
increasingly nervous now, trying to contain the situation.

TENCH.
I think what Holden is trying to
say is, maybe it’s both.
(MORE)
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 64.

TENCH. (CONT'D)
The one impacting on the other. In
a vicious circle.

OLDER DETECTIVE.
No. It’s one or the other.

HOLDEN.
Don’t you think it’s an interesting
conundrum to at least consider?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
I think it’s a stupid conundrum. *
The only vicious circle is the *
slaughter of the Tate La Bianca *
victims. *

The YOUNG COPS tend to nod or GRUNT agreement with the OLDER
DETECTIVE.

TENCH steps in front of HOLDEN to silence him.

HOLDEN.
We’re not saying we have all the
answers. When it comes to certain
things nobody has the answers...

TENCH gives HOLDEN a “shut the fuck up now” look.

TENCH.
We have some answers...

HOLDEN.
Really we’re interested in the
questions.

OLDER DETECTIVE (ON HOLDEN.)
No shit. I’ll tell my buddies in
the LAPD who were there when the *
corpses were found, they’ll be
ashamed of themselves. *

TENCH and HOLDEN exchange glances.

HOLDEN.
You were LAPD?

OLDER DETECTIVE.
I was, for twenty two years.

HOLDEN.
You worked Manson? *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 65.


OLDER DETECTIVE.
Sure did. How many homicides have
you worked you dumbshit? *
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden and Tench teach a class of local police officers and detectives at the Fairfield Police Department in Iowa. The officers are skeptical about using psychology in criminal investigations. Holden and Tench emphasize the importance of understanding the psychology of criminals and analyzing their behavior to solve crimes. The scene ends with the officers looking skeptical and Holden's attempt to connect with them falling flat.
Strengths
  • Effective presentation of conflicting ideas
  • Tension and skepticism among the officers
  • Persuasive arguments by Holden and Tench
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively presents the clash between traditional investigative methods and the new approach of using psychology. It creates tension and skepticism among the officers, highlighting the controversial nature of the topic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of incorporating psychology in criminal investigations is intriguing and thought-provoking. It challenges conventional methods and raises questions about the impact of upbringing and environment on criminal behavior.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Holden and Tench's attempt to convince skeptical officers about the importance of psychology in solving crimes. It introduces conflict and sets up the challenge they face in changing the officers' mindset.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the topic of discussing the motivations behind criminal behavior is not entirely unique, the specific debate between nature vs. nurture and the exploration of Manson's background and upbringing as potential factors in his crimes adds a fresh approach to the familiar topic. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Holden and Tench are well-developed characters who represent different perspectives on criminal investigations. Their interactions with the officers showcase their determination and passion for their work.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it primarily focuses on presenting the conflict and skepticism among the officers.

Internal Goal: 8

Holden's internal goal in this scene is to challenge the conventional thinking and beliefs of the older detective and the young police officers. He wants to explore the idea that Manson's background and upbringing may have played a role in shaping him, rather than simply labeling him as 'pure evil'. This reflects Holden's desire to understand the motivations and psychology behind criminal behavior.

External Goal: 7

Holden's external goal in this scene is to present his alternative perspective on Manson's crimes and provoke a discussion among the attendees. He wants to challenge the established beliefs and encourage critical thinking. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the lecture and the challenge of presenting a different viewpoint to a skeptical audience.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the officers' skepticism and resistance to the new approach. It creates tension and opposition, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Holden's ideas are met with skepticism and resistance from the older detective and some of the young police officers. The audience is unsure of how the debate will unfold and whether Holden will be able to convince the others of his perspective.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene involve the potential resistance and rejection of the new approach by the officers. It highlights the importance of convincing them to adopt psychology in their investigations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the challenge of changing the officers' mindset and setting up the conflict between traditional and psychological investigative methods.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations and presents a different perspective on a well-known criminal case. The debate between nature vs. nurture and the exploration of Manson's background as a potential factor in his crimes adds an element of unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the debate between nature vs. nurture. Holden argues that Manson's background and upbringing contributed to his criminal behavior, while the older detective and some of the young police officers believe that Manson was simply 'born bad' or 'pure evil'. This conflict challenges Holden's beliefs in the power of environment and upbringing to shape an individual's actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene doesn't have a strong emotional impact, but it does evoke curiosity and intrigue regarding the clash of ideas and the officers' skepticism.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the clash of ideas and the officers' skepticism. It also showcases Holden and Tench's persuasive arguments and attempts to connect with the officers.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a thought-provoking debate and conflict between characters with different beliefs. The sharp and confrontational dialogue, combined with the tension and skepticism among the attendees, keeps the audience interested and invested in the outcome of the discussion.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and conflict. The dialogue exchanges are well-paced, with moments of confrontation and reflection. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested in the debate.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The scene is well-paced and easy to follow, with clear transitions between different characters speaking.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and then progresses through a series of dialogue exchanges and confrontations. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end, with a climax when the older detective gets to his feet and challenges Holden's ideas.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a slide projector showing an image of Charles Manson, which immediately grabs the attention of the class. However, the response from the class is not clearly described. It would be helpful to show their reactions in more detail to create a stronger sense of engagement.
  • Holden's presentation about Manson's background is interesting, but the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural. The lines like 'born bad' and 'born evil' seem cliché and lack depth. It would be more effective to explore the psychological aspects of Manson's upbringing and its impact on his crimes in a more nuanced way.
  • The conflict between Holden and the older detective is intriguing, but it could be developed further. The detective's dismissal of Holden's theories feels abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and tension. Additionally, the resolution where Tench steps in to mediate feels a bit rushed and could be expanded upon to create a more satisfying resolution.
  • The dialogue between Holden and the older detective becomes confrontational, but it lacks subtlety and finesse. It would be more engaging to see a battle of wits and intellect between the two characters, with each presenting compelling arguments and counterarguments.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements and actions to enhance the overall impact. Describing the body language, facial expressions, and reactions of the characters would add depth and make the scene more visually engaging.
  • The transition from the classroom setting to the outside conversation with the older detective feels abrupt and could be smoother. Consider adding a transitional moment or dialogue to bridge the gap between the two locations.
  • The ending of the scene, where the older detective reveals his past as an LAPD officer, is intriguing but could be better integrated into the overall flow of the scene. It feels slightly disconnected from the previous conflict and could be better foreshadowed or set up earlier in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Show more detailed reactions from the class to Holden's presentation on Manson's background to create a stronger sense of engagement.
  • Revise the dialogue to explore the psychological aspects of Manson's upbringing and its impact on his crimes in a more nuanced way.
  • Develop the conflict between Holden and the older detective with more build-up and tension, and expand upon the resolution to create a more satisfying conclusion.
  • Craft a more subtle and intellectually engaging confrontation between Holden and the older detective, with compelling arguments and counterarguments.
  • Include more visual elements and actions to enhance the overall impact of the scene, such as describing body language, facial expressions, and reactions of the characters.
  • Smoothly transition between the classroom setting and the outside conversation with the older detective by adding a transitional moment or dialogue.
  • Better integrate the older detective's revelation as an LAPD officer into the overall flow of the scene by foreshadowing or setting it up earlier.



Scene 18 - Teaching at Fairfield Police Department
40 INT. DINER - MAIN STREET - FAIRFIELD - EVENING 40

HOLDEN and TENCH drinking coffee in a booth, tense, tired,
wan.

TENCH.
You didn’t tell me you were going *
to talk about unwanted unloved *
little boy Charles. *

HOLDEN. *
It just popped out. *

TENCH. *
It’s an emotive issue. They don’t *
want to confront it. *

HOLDEN.
Don’t want to or don’t know how to?

TENCH.
We’re talking about the slaughter *
of a woman, the removal of a foetus *
from her womb... You need to find *
a way of talking about it that *
doesn’t make them crazy. *

The door swings open and the OLDER DETECTIVE from class walks *
in. He looks for HOLDEN and TENCH.

HOLDEN.
Ah shit.

TENCH.
It’s okay, they always do this. You
just have to be a good listener.

The OLDER DETECTIVE comes over.

OLDER DETECTIVE.
Gentleman, mind if I sit?

TENCH.
Go right ahead.

The OLDER DETECTIVE shows them his ID - DETECTIVE FRANK
MCGRAW.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 66.


MCGRAW.
Frank McGraw. I’m sorry if I came
on kinda strong back there. I’m
sure you meant well.

HOLDEN.
Well, I thank you for your honesty
Frank.

MCGRAW.
We’re all kinda tense at the
moment. This case.
Poor Mary Jeffrey. It’s got a lot
of people pretty shook up.

HOLDEN.
Sit down. Take it easy.

MCGRAW slumps into a seat, sighs, rubs his eyes.

MCGRAW (V.O. PRELAP.)
This is a very simple woman who
wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

CUT TO:

41 INT. DINER - MAIN ST. - FAIRFIELD - NIGHT 41

A little later, TENCH and HOLDEN have sandwiches. MCGRAW just
smokes.

MCGRAW.
She came up from Arkansas with her
little boy and joined the
Methodists right here in town. She
was so lonely she would sweep the
steps of the church just to be
around the congregation while her
little boy watched. But they didn’t
find her on the steps of the church
on Sunday morning, that’s just what
we told reporters. They found her
cuffed to her bed in her room, her
throat cut, a broomstick lodged in
her rectum. They say he made the
little boy watch that too - and
then he did the same to the b...
(BREAKS OFF.) To the little boy...

MCGRAW dries, HOLDEN and TENCH are silent, things have
suddenly gotten dark.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 67.


MCGRAW. (CONT’D)
It’s got me beat. Things like this
don’t happen around here. The level
of viciousness, the sheer
insanity... nothing about it makes
any kind of sense. I don’t eat. My
wife is on the verge of leaving
because I’m making her crazy... I’m
ready to try anything... because
this is a whole new... it’s a, it’s
a whole new level of... (TRAILS
OFF.) What people will do to each
other. There’s nothing. There’s
nothing people won’t do to each
other.

HOLDEN looks around uncertainly, people are evesdropping.

TENCH.
(beat.)
How can we help?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Holden and Tench teach a class of local police officers and detectives at the Fairfield Police Department in Iowa. The officers are skeptical about using psychology in criminal investigations. Holden and Tench emphasize the importance of understanding the psychology of criminals and analyzing their behavior to solve crimes. The scene ends with the officers looking skeptical and Holden's attempt to connect with them falling flat.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension and skepticism portrayed effectively
  • Exploration of psychology in criminal investigations
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of strong emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces the skepticism of the officers and establishes the importance of psychology in criminal investigations. The dialogue is engaging and the tension is palpable. However, the attempt to connect with the officers could have been more impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using psychology in criminal investigations is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It raises questions about the motives and behavior of criminals.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Holden and Tench teach the class and face skepticism from the officers. The scene sets up the conflict between traditional investigative methods and the new approach of using psychology.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the subject matter of a disturbing crime case is not unique, the specific details and dialogue used to describe the case and the characters' reactions add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Holden and Tench are well-developed characters with contrasting personalities. Holden is enthusiastic and passionate, while Tench is more pragmatic and experienced. The officers also have distinct personalities, portrayed through their skepticism and reluctance to embrace new methods.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene. Holden and Tench maintain their respective personalities and the officers remain skeptical.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult conversation about a sensitive topic without causing further distress or conflict. This reflects their desire to handle the case with sensitivity and find a way to communicate effectively with others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information and insights from the older detective about the case they are investigating. This reflects their immediate challenge of understanding the motives and actions of the perpetrator.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between traditional investigative methods and the new approach of using psychology creates tension in the scene. The skepticism of the officers adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict between the characters, there is a sense of tension and disagreement in their conversation about how to handle the case.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as the officers' skepticism could hinder the progress of using psychology in criminal investigations. The brutal crime adds a sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the skepticism of the officers and highlighting the importance of psychology in criminal investigations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a dark and unexpected twist in the crime case being discussed. The revelation of the brutal details shocks the characters and the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and darkness, but the emotional impact could have been stronger. The revelation of the brutal crime adds a layer of horror.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the conflicting perspectives of the characters. It effectively conveys the importance of psychology in criminal investigations and the challenges faced by the officers.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a disturbing crime case and creates tension through the characters' conversation. The dialogue is compelling and keeps the audience interested in the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' conversation. The pauses and silence in the dialogue create a sense of unease and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with the characters in a specific location, introduces conflict and tension through their conversation, and ends with a revelation that deepens the mystery of the case.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Holden and Tench in a diner, drinking coffee and appearing tense and tired. This sets the tone for the scene and establishes the emotional state of the characters.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Tench about talking about Charles Manson feels a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't flow smoothly and the lines come across as a bit contrived.
  • The introduction of the older detective feels abrupt and lacks a smooth transition. It would benefit from a clearer setup or introduction to his character.
  • The dialogue between the characters is mostly functional and lacks depth. It would be more engaging if there were more subtext and layers to their conversations.
  • The description of the murder case by Detective McGraw is quite graphic and disturbing. While it adds to the tension and darkness of the scene, it may be too explicit for some audiences.
  • The transition from the diner to a later time in the same location is not clearly indicated in the scene description. It would be helpful to have a clearer visual cue or time transition.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is effective, with the characters feeling despondent and the tone becoming darker as the conversation progresses.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more dynamic visual experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Holden and Tench about Charles Manson to make it more natural and organic. Focus on creating a more authentic conversation that reveals their characters and motivations.
  • Introduce the older detective in a more seamless way, perhaps by having him observe Holden and Tench from a distance before approaching them.
  • Add more subtext and depth to the dialogue between the characters. Explore their conflicting emotions and motivations to create more tension and intrigue.
  • Consider toning down the graphic description of the murder case to make it more palatable for a wider audience. Find a balance between conveying the darkness of the case and avoiding excessive explicitness.
  • Clearly indicate the time transition from the diner to the later scene in the same location. Use visual cues or time indicators to make the transition smoother and more apparent.
  • Continue to build on the emotional impact of the scene by gradually increasing the tension and darkness as the conversation progresses. Explore the characters' emotional journeys and reactions to create a more impactful scene.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling. Use the setting and surroundings to create a more immersive and dynamic visual experience for the audience.



Scene 19 - The Dark Abyss
42 INT. INCIDENT ROOM/FAIRFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT 42

TENCH and HOLDEN with MCGRAW looking at crime scene photos of
MARY JEFFREY.

DETAILS OF - her rictus mouth with a rag stuffed in - blank
staring eyes - bloodied ear - bare broken legs at an acute
angle - a broomstick.

MCGRAW.
... Take a look at that. What is
that right there?

TENCH and HOLDEN exchange looks.

TENCH.
This is clearly lust murder. By
that I mean it’s obviously sexually
motivated.

MCGRAW.
What about the child?

TENCH.
He was a witness.

HOLDEN.
The first murder is a lust murder
but the second is mostly cruelty
and expediency.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 68.


TENCH clears his throat, tries to fathom this. HOLDEN also
struggles to articulate:

TENCH.
... The, uh, individual you are
looking for is extremely anti-
social and opportunistic. He’s
probably under thirty, late
twenties --

MCGRAW.
“Anti-social” huh? Well okay.

TENCH.
Inexperienced with the opposite
sex...

MCGRAW.
What about the broomstick? Where
does that fit in?

HOLDEN.
Is it the same broomstick she used
to sweep the church steps?

MCGRAW
What if it is?

HOLDEN.
I think it means something.

HOLDEN looks at TENCH.

MCGRAW.
Really? Tell me what it means. Tell
me what a broomstick in the ass
means.

MCGRAW shows a SCHOOL PHOTO of the JEFFREY BOY, about 5 years
old, sweet, innocent. HOLDEN squirms.

MCGRAW. (CONT’D)
You think it’s a riddle? I’m dying
here. I am looking into the abyss.

He shows another CRIME SCENE PHOTO, turns it this way and
that (we don’t see this one.)

HOLDEN blanches, shaking slightly as he examines the photo,
appalled, TENCH winces too.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 69.


MCGRAW. (CONT’D)
What does it mean? Maybe it means
something a million miles from your
wildest imaginings.

MCGRAW smokes, increasingly worked up, wired.

TENCH.
I can’t tell you what it means,
Frank. That’s not my remit.

MCGRAW.
Tell me what it means to the
screwball who did this. Then you’d
be telling me something worth a
fuck.

TENCH.
Frank --

MCGRAW.
Because I have a whole town jumping
like a leaf and I need to catch
this motherfucker. And I want him
to explain himself. I want an
explanation.

TENCH.
I understand --

MCGRAW.
Otherwise I... I can’t do it no
more.

MCGRAW pushes his face close to TENCH’S and stares into his
eyes with burning red eyeballs.

HOLDEN.
(beat.)
He’s right. (TO MCGRAW.) We cannot
help you with this. I cannot tell
you what it means to me or what it
means to the killer. And I can not
teach you anything.

MCGRAW.
What?

HOLDEN.
There’s a gap in my knowledge and I
don’t understand it any more than
you.

TENCH looks at him, “What?”
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 70.


MCGRAW.
You don’t?

HOLDEN.
No. I’m in the dark the same as
you.

MCGRAW.
And why is that?

HOLDEN.
I don’t know why.

MCGRAW.
Right...

HOLDEN.
Neither of us knows.

TENCH looks at him again, “What the fuck?”

TENCH.
Well... we’d have to take a careful
look at all the evidence...

HOLDEN.
We are in the Dark Ages here.

MCGRAW.
Is that a, a figure of speech?

HOLDEN.
It’s the conclusion I’ve just
arrived at. I’m sorry that I wasted
your time.

MCGRAW looks from him to TENCH, bemused.

HOLDEN returns the CRIME SCENE PHOTOS to MCGRAW.

TENCH looks the floor. MCGRAW just looks from one to the
other, confused.

43 EXT. FAIRFIELD POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT 43

HOLDEN comes out and walks slowly to his car, gets in, just
sits there, freaked out.

TENCH comes out too, gets in the car and sits behind the
wheel, quietly fuming. *
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 71.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Holden and Tench discuss the details of a murder case with McGraw, who is desperate for answers. Holden admits his lack of understanding and apologizes for wasting their time. The scene ends with Holden and Tench feeling unsettled.
Strengths
  • Tension and conflict between characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of psychology in criminal investigations
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of the psychology concept

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and highlights the challenges faced by the characters. The dialogue is engaging and the conflict between Holden's lack of knowledge and McGraw's desperation adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using psychology in criminal investigations is intriguing and adds a unique element to the scene. However, it is not fully explored in this particular scene.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses as Holden and Tench discuss the murder case and their lack of understanding. The tension and conflict between the characters drive the scene forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a murder investigation is familiar, the specific details and dialogue are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting perspectives create tension. Holden's admission of his lack of knowledge adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

Holden experiences a moment of self-doubt and vulnerability as he admits his lack of understanding. This adds complexity to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the motives and meaning behind the murders. This reflects their deeper need for knowledge and their desire to solve the case.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide information and insights to help catch the killer. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Holden's lack of knowledge and McGraw's desperation creates tension and drives the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is challenged by the detective's questions and their own limitations. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond and what the outcome will be.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as McGraw desperately seeks answers to solve the murder case and Holden and Tench grapple with their lack of understanding.

Story Forward: 8

The scene provides important information about the murder case and the characters' perspectives. It deepens the overall story and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations and introduces new information and conflicts. The audience doesn't know how the characters will react or what the outcome will be.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in their own knowledge and understanding, and the realization that they are in the dark and don't have all the answers. This challenges their worldview and forces them to confront their limitations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and discomfort as Holden and Tench struggle to find answers and confront the darkness of the crimes they investigate.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' perspectives and emotions. The conversation between Holden, Tench, and McGraw is intense and thought-provoking.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a mystery and raises questions that the audience wants to see answered. The intense dialogue and conflict between the characters also adds to the engagement level.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and character interactions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and wanting to know more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear and concise dialogue. The characters often struggle to articulate their thoughts and ideas, resulting in confusing and convoluted exchanges.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is not effectively conveyed. While it is described as tense and uncomfortable, the dialogue and actions of the characters do not consistently reflect this.
  • The conflict between the characters is not fully explored or resolved. The tension between Holden and the older detective is introduced but not developed further.
  • The scene lacks significant visual elements or actions, which could help to enhance the overall impact and engagement of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the dialogue to make it more clear and concise. Focus on delivering key information and ideas in a straightforward manner.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters align with the intended emotional tone of the scene. Use specific language and gestures to convey tension and discomfort.
  • Develop the conflict between Holden and the older detective further. Explore their differing perspectives and motivations to create a more compelling and dynamic interaction.
  • Incorporate visual elements and actions that enhance the scene. Consider using the setting and props to create a more visually engaging and immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 20 - Doubt and Desperation
44 INT. CAR - NIGHT 44

They drive in the gloaming, trees and paddocks, farmland and
nothingness for miles.

Silence, then:

TENCH.
“The “dark ages?”

HOLDEN.
We are.

TENCH.
“A gap in your knowledge?”

HOLDEN.
I’ve studied everything I can
study. I’ve talked to everyone I
know at the Academy. I’ve taken the
ride out here with you, listened to
everything you’ve told me -- but I
still think we’re teaching
something which we don’t really
understand in the slightest.

TENCH.
I was trying to help you. If you
don’t like it Holden, go back to
your bed-wetting college kids and
we’ll forget all about it.

HOLDEN.
Mary Jeffrey and her son were
killed for reasons we are simply
not equipped to understand. It
wasn’t “lust murder.” It wasn’t
some random thrill killer who was
just “born bad.” And it wasn’t a
pantie thief who changed things up.
It was an aberration.

TENCH.
Let me tell you something about
“aberrant behavior,” Holden: It is
fucking aberrant. If we understood
it, we’d be aberrant too.
Fortunately it is not incumbent
upon us to write a dissertation...

HOLDEN.
Maybe it is.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 72.


TENCH.
Why?

HOLDEN.
Our job is to give him something he
couldn’t have figured out himself.

TENCH.
I am sticking my neck out for
you...

HOLDEN.
I’m sorry, Bill. No disrespect. At
the moment I just don’t think we
can say anything to a guy like
McGraw with any kind of authority.

TENCH.
(pause.)
Let me ask you something. Where are
you from?

HOLDEN.
I was born in New York but -- it’s
kind of a mixed bag...

TENCH.
Okay. Well that’s what you are
right now. “A mixed bag.” A little
college education. Some experience
on the street. Some insight. A lot
of horseshit.

HOLDEN.
I agree. One step forward, two
steps back.

TENCH.
Let me ask you something else. *

HOLDEN.
“A little knowledge is a dangerous
thing.” I get it. It’s why we need
more.

TENCH.
Do you have a girlfriend?

HOLDEN.
I do now, Bill, as it happens.
Mindhunter Ep 1 Blue Working Draft 8/2/18 73.


TENCH.
Okay. So. (HANDS HIM A DIME.) Next *
time you’re a long way from home
and you flip your shit, you find a
pay phone and you tell it to your
girlfriend. Okay?

HOLDEN.
Okay.

TENCH.
How does that sound?

HOLDEN.
It sounds okay, Bill.

CLOSING CREDITS.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Holden and Tench discuss their lack of understanding in solving a murder case, feeling unsettled and unsure of their abilities. They question the effectiveness of using psychology in criminal investigations and express skepticism about their own authority in providing answers to desperate individuals like McGraw.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Exploration of characters' doubts and uncertainties
  • Effective portrayal of internal conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the internal struggle and doubt experienced by the main characters. It raises thought-provoking questions about the limitations of their approach and the complexity of criminal behavior.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the psychology of criminals and the challenges faced by investigators is intriguing and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around the characters' doubts and uncertainties, providing insight into their emotional journey.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of detectives discussing a case is familiar, the dialogue and the protagonist's perspective on understanding aberrant behavior bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their internal conflicts are effectively portrayed. Their skepticism and self-doubt make them relatable and human.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their understanding and confidence, realizing the limitations of their knowledge.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and make sense of the reasons behind the murders of Mary Jeffrey and her son. This reflects his deeper need for knowledge, his fear of not being able to comprehend the motivations of criminals, and his desire to provide meaningful insights in his work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his colleague, Tench, that they need to approach their work with a deeper understanding and authority. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining credibility and making a difference in their investigations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their doubts and uncertainties. There is also a subtle conflict between Holden and Tench regarding their differing perspectives.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and Tench have conflicting viewpoints and goals. The audience is unsure of how the conversation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to convince Tench.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are primarily internal, as the characters question their abilities and the effectiveness of their approach.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides insight into the characters' emotional journey and their doubts, but does not significantly advance the main plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations of how detectives discuss a case. The philosophical conflict and the protagonist's unique perspective add an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the difference in approach between the protagonist, who believes in the importance of understanding aberrant behavior, and Tench, who believes in sticking to established methods. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the need for deeper insights and challenges the traditional worldview of law enforcement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and introspection, tapping into the characters' emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and reflects the characters' emotions and doubts. It effectively conveys their struggle and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and his colleague, creating tension and intellectual intrigue. The dialogue is sharp and thought-provoking, keeping the audience interested in the characters' perspectives and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing the dialogue to flow naturally and build tension. The pauses and moments of silence enhance the impact of the characters' words.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The dialogue is properly attributed to the characters, and the scene is well-paced.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, followed by dialogue between the characters. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end, with a closing line indicating the end of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks visual elements and actions, which makes it feel static and dialogue-heavy.
  • The dialogue between Holden and Tench feels repetitive and lacks depth.
  • The conflict between Holden and Tench is not fully explored or resolved.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is unclear and inconsistent.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Introduce visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Add more depth and complexity to the dialogue between Holden and Tench to explore their conflicting perspectives and motivations.
  • Develop and resolve the conflict between Holden and Tench to create a more satisfying narrative arc.
  • Establish a consistent emotional tone throughout the scene to enhance its impact.
  • Provide a clear resolution or conclusion to the scene to give it a sense of closure.



Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

Holden Ford

Holden Ford is a highly intelligent, knowledgeable, and passionate FBI agent who strongly believes in incorporating psychology into criminal investigations. He is driven to understand the minds of criminals and solve complex cases. Holden is a seasoned negotiator, confident in tense situations, and resourceful in establishing connections with his subjects. He speaks with conviction, often using logical reasoning and real-life examples to support his points. Emotionally, Holden is reserved but occasionally shows vulnerability. He has a dry sense of humor and sarcasm that reveal his insecurities and naivety at times. Holden is curious and open-minded, always seeking to learn and improve his skills. He challenges traditional beliefs and seeks to update investigative techniques.



Cody Miller

Cody Miller is a distressed and unpredictable individual who holds a shotgun and demands to see his wife. He exhibits erratic and unexpected behavior such as stripping naked and confrontational and emotional speaking styles, reflecting his mental and emotional state. His behavior adds complexity and mystery to his character, keeping the other characters and the audience on edge.



Debbie

Debbie is a confident, outspoken woman with a direct and assertive tone. She is an intellectual pursuing her post-grad studies, deeply interested in sociological theories. She enjoys pushing boundaries and challenging Holden's perspectives with playful banter. She embraces her sexuality and speaks openly and explicitly about her desires with a flirtatious and teasing tone. Her wit and sarcasm are her weapons of choice in making her points.



Bill Tench

Bill Tench is a serious, experienced, and skeptical Behavioral Science agent who has a practical and grounded perspective. He has a measured and calm tone in his speeches and utilizes metaphors and dry humor to express his thoughts. Tench serves as a mentor to Holden and often defends practicality in criminal investigations, sometimes giving counterarguments to Holden's theories. He tries to find common ground with law enforcement officers, providing balance, and acting as a mediator between Holden and skeptical officers.



CharacterArcCritiqueSuggestions
Holden Ford Holden Ford's character arc in the tv_pilot revolves around his passion for incorporating psychology into criminal investigations while also exploring his naivety and idealism. He begins as a younger, unassuming FBI agent and progresses into a more seasoned negotiator, confident in high-pressure situations and driven to understand the minds of criminals. Through his interactions with his colleagues and subjects, Holden comes to realize that traditional law enforcement methods may not be effective in understanding deviant behavior. However, his tendency towards naivety and idealism is also highlighted, especially in his conversations with Debbie. By the end of the pilot, Holden's passion for criminal psychology grows stronger as he continues to challenge and update traditional law enforcement methods to better serve society's need for justice. The character arc for Holden Ford is strong and well-established in the tv_pilot. However, to improve the arc, Holden's personal life and how it ties into his work could be explored more fully. Additionally, while his naivety and idealism are integral to his character, it can become overbearing at times and risk losing audiences' attention. A stronger balance between Holden's passion and personal struggles, as well as his idealism and realistic approach, could further enhance his character arc. To enhance Holden Ford's character arc, exploring his personal life and how it relates to his work could offer more depth to the character. Showcasing his struggles outside of work would provide a more intimate look into his psyche. Additionally, emphasizing the realistic consequences of his idealistic approach could further ground his character and make his passion for criminal psychology more relatable to audiences. A character flaw, such as Holden's overconfidence or impatience, could also create a more dynamic character and heighten dramatic tension.
Cody Miller Throughout the pilot, Cody's character arc revolves around his descent into madness and his desire to reunite with his wife. His initial distress and erratic behavior stem from his wife leaving him, triggering a mental breakdown that he struggles to control. As the pilot progresses, he becomes more and more unhinged, engaging in dangerous actions that threaten himself and those around him. Ultimately, he is unable to reconcile with his wife and is taken into custody by the police. The character of Cody is intriguing and unpredictable, adding intensity and suspense to the pilot. However, his arc feels somewhat stereotypical of a mentally unstable villain, lacking depth and nuance. There is also a missed opportunity to explore his backstory and relationship with his wife, which could provide greater insight into his character. To improve Cody's character arc, it could be useful to provide more backstory and context for his mental breakdown and his relationship with his wife. This could help to humanize him and make his actions more relatable. Additionally, it may be interesting to explore different facets of his personality and how they contribute to his decline, rather than solely relying on his mental instability. This could add more complexity to his character and elevate the overall narrative of the pilot.
Debbie Debbie starts off as a sexually liberated and intellectually stimulating character who pushes Holden's boundaries. However, as the tv_pilot progresses, she begins to form a deeper connection with Holden beyond just sexual tension. Debbie's feelings for Holden evolve as she starts to see a different side of him - one that is vulnerable and relatable. By the end of the tv_pilot, Debbie is torn between her strong attraction to Holden and her desire to maintain her independence and focus on her studies. The character arc for Debbie is interesting but could benefit from more clarity and depth. While her flirtatious and sexually liberated side is well-developed, her academic pursuits and personal struggles could be explored further. Additionally, incorporating more emotional vulnerability and growth in her relationship with Holden would add depth to her character. To improve Debbie's character arc, consider exploring her personal struggles and conflicts more explicitly. Show how her pursuit of post-grad studies and her desire for independence sometimes clash with her attraction to Holden. Incorporate more moments of emotional vulnerability to show her growth and evolution as a character. Additionally, consider giving her a more well-rounded personality beyond just being sexually adventurous and academically motivated.
Bill Tench Bill Tench's character arc shows initial skepticism towards implementing psychology in criminal investigations and a preference for practicality. As Holden introduces him to the new approach, Tench becomes more open-minded and supportive, eventually becoming Holden's partner. He gradually learns to trust Holden's intuition and ideas, embracing his role as a mediator between the new approach and the traditional way of doing things. The character arc is appropriate for a TV pilot, allowing Tench to go through a change as he adjusts to Holden's way of thinking. However, Tench's character requires more development to make him more interesting, especially in contrast to Holden's more colorful persona. Tench's initial skepticism can be ramped up to create more tension and impart more significance to his transformation. To improve the character arc, Tench's skepticism can be more firmly established, with him believably opposing Holden's new approach. This creates a greater sense of tension and drama to Tench's transformation. Additionally, the writers can depict the reasons behind Tench's skepticism, such as a particularly bad experience or damage to his reputation if he implemented a similar plan before.
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern Explanation
Tone and Emotional ImpactThere is a strong correlation between the tone of the scene and its emotional impact. Scenes with a tense or intense tone tend to have a higher emotional impact, while scenes with a more casual or flirtatious tone have a lower emotional impact.
Dialogue and Character ChangesThere is a correlation between the quality of dialogue and the degree of character changes in a scene. Scenes with higher quality dialogue tend to have more significant character changes.
Conflict and High StakesThere is a correlation between the level of conflict and the high stakes in a scene. Scenes with higher levels of conflict tend to have higher stakes.
Concept and PlotThere is a correlation between the concept and plot of a scene. Scenes with a strong concept tend to have a more developed plot.
Overall Grade and Move Story ForwardThere is a correlation between the overall grade of a scene and its ability to move the story forward. Scenes with a higher overall grade tend to be more effective in moving the story forward.


Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

The writer demonstrates a strong command of screenwriting techniques and effectively conveys tension, conflict, and engaging dialogue in the analyzed scenes. The writing style is concise and focused, creating a sense of intrigue and capturing the audience's attention. However, there is room for improvement in terms of originality, character development, and exploring different types of conflicts.

Key Improvement Areas

Originality
While the scenes effectively establish tension and conflict, there is a need for more originality in the narrative and character dynamics to make the screenplay stand out.
Character Development
The writer demonstrates skill in creating engaging dialogue, but there is room for further development of the characters' internal and external goals, motivations, and growth throughout the screenplay.
Exploring Different Conflicts
The writer shows proficiency in creating tension and conflict, but there is an opportunity to explore different types of conflicts, such as philosophical, moral, or ethical, to add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Suggestions

Type Suggestion Rationale
Book Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder This book provides insights and techniques for improving the structure and pacing of scenes, which can enhance the writer's ability to create engaging and well-structured screenplays.
Course Screenwriting Masterclass by Aaron Sorkin Taking this course can provide valuable lessons and exercises for improving screenwriting skills, particularly in crafting dialogue and developing compelling characters.
Exercise Write scenes with different types of conflicts (philosophical, moral, ethical, etc.)Practice In SceneProv Practicing writing scenes with different types of conflicts can help the writer expand their range and develop their unique voice further.
Stories Similar to this one

Story Explanation
Mindhunter (TV Show) This scene shares similarities with the TV show Mindhunter, which follows FBI agents as they interview serial killers to understand their behavior and motives. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to establish communication and navigate difficult situations.
Zodiac (Movie) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the movie Zodiac, which follows the investigation of the Zodiac Killer. Both involve law enforcement trying to understand and catch a dangerous criminal, with tense and suspenseful moments.
True Detective (TV Show) The scene in this screenplay has similarities to the TV show True Detective, which follows detectives as they investigate a series of murders. Both involve intense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to solve a complex case.
Se7en (Movie) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the movie Se7en, which follows detectives as they track down a serial killer. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to understand the killer's motives and catch them.
Silence of the Lambs (Movie) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the movie Silence of the Lambs, which follows an FBI agent as she seeks the help of a serial killer to catch another killer. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to establish communication and navigate dangerous situations.
Heat (Movie) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the movie Heat, which follows a group of bank robbers and the law enforcement officers trying to catch them. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to establish communication and navigate dangerous situations.
Training Day (Movie) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the movie Training Day, which follows a rookie cop as he is paired with a corrupt detective. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to navigate difficult situations and conflicts.
Gone Girl (Movie) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the movie Gone Girl, which follows the investigation of a missing woman and the unraveling of a complex web of deception. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to understand the truth and navigate difficult situations.
The Departed (Movie) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the movie The Departed, which follows an undercover cop and a mole in the police force. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to navigate dangerous situations and conflicts.
The Wire (TV Show) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the TV show The Wire, which follows the investigation of drug trafficking in Baltimore. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to understand and catch criminals.
American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson (TV Show) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the TV show American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, which follows the trial of O.J. Simpson. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to gather evidence and navigate a high-profile case.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Book/Movie) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the book and movie The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which follows a journalist and a hacker as they investigate a series of murders. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with investigators trying to understand the killer's motives and catch them.
Prisoners (Movie) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the movie Prisoners, which follows a desperate father's search for his missing daughter. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to understand the truth and navigate difficult situations.
The Killing (TV Show) The scene in this screenplay shares similarities with the TV show The Killing, which follows detectives as they investigate a murder case. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to solve a complex case and navigate difficult situations.
The Silence of the Lambs (Book) The scene in this screenplay is reminiscent of the book The Silence of the Lambs, which follows an FBI trainee's pursuit of a serial killer with the help of a cannibalistic psychiatrist. Both involve tense and suspenseful scenes with law enforcement trying to establish communication and navigate dangerous situations.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope Trope Details Trope Explanation
NegotiatorThe Negotiator is trying to establish communication with Cody through a bullhorn.The Negotiator trope is a common one in films and TV shows where a character is tasked with negotiating or communicating with another character or group of characters in a high-stakes situation. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'Inside Man' where a negotiator is brought in to communicate with a bank robber who has taken hostages.
Tragic EndingThe conflict in this scene is resolved tragically when Cody puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself.The Tragic Ending trope is a common storytelling device where a story or scene ends in a tragic or sorrowful manner. This trope is often used to evoke strong emotions in the audience and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'Romeo + Juliet' where the story ends with the tragic deaths of the two main characters.
Tense Emotional ToneThe emotional tone of this scene is tense and suspenseful, with a tragic ending.The Tense Emotional Tone trope is used to create a sense of tension and suspense in a scene or story. This trope is often used in thrillers and dramas to keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'Breaking Bad' where many scenes have a tense emotional tone due to the high-stakes situations the characters find themselves in.
DespondentHolden and Tench feel despondent and drink beer outside their motel room.The Despondent trope is used to depict characters who are feeling hopeless, discouraged, or disheartened. This trope is often used to show the emotional struggles of characters and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'Lost in Translation' where the two main characters, feeling despondent and disconnected, form a bond while in Tokyo.
Friendly BanterHolden and Debbie have lunch and discuss the surveillance operation on the university campus. They then watch a movie together.The Friendly Banter trope is used to depict lighthearted and playful conversation between characters. This trope is often used to show the camaraderie and friendship between characters and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'Friends' where the characters engage in friendly banter and playful teasing throughout the series.
Tense Argumentative ToneThe emotional tone of this scene is tense and argumentative.The Tense Argumentative Tone trope is used to depict a scene or conversation that is filled with tension and conflict. This trope is often used to create drama and suspense in a story and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'A Few Good Men' where the climactic courtroom scene is filled with tense and argumentative dialogue.
InstructionalThe emotional tone of the scene is serious and instructional.The Instructional trope is used to depict a scene or situation where characters are teaching or instructing others. This trope is often used in educational or training settings and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'Dead Poets Society' where a teacher instructs his students on the importance of seizing the day.
Tense and DarkThe emotional tone of this scene is tense and dark.The Tense and Dark trope is used to create a scene or story that is filled with tension and darkness. This trope is often used in thrillers and horror films to create a sense of unease and suspense. An example of this trope can be seen in the film 'Se7en' where the entire story is filled with tense and dark moments as the characters hunt down a serial killer.
ArgumentativeThe conflict arises when the older detective disagrees with Holden's theories and a conflict arises.The Argumentative trope is used to depict a scene or conversation where characters engage in a heated argument or disagreement. This trope is often used to create conflict and tension in a story and can be seen in many films and TV shows. An example of this trope can be seen in the film '12 Angry Men' where the entire story revolves around a group of jurors arguing and debating the guilt or innocence of a defendant.


Theme Theme Details Themee Explanation
Communication and ConnectionThe Negotiator trying to establish communication with Cody, Holden's attempt to de-escalate the situation with Cody, Holden's interaction with the police negotiator and other officers, Holden's conversation with Cody's wife Sissy about their troubled relationship, Holden and Wilson discussing their work as agents, Holden and Debbie discussing their backgrounds and interests, Holden and Debbie discussing their relationship, Holden and Debbie discussing their lack of knowledge about certain topics, Holden and Tench discussing their theories with young police officers, Holden presenting information to the class about Charles Manson, Holden and Tench analyzing crime scene photos with Detective McGrawCommunication and connection is a recurring theme in this screenplay. It explores the challenges and importance of effective communication in various situations, such as hostage negotiation, relationship dynamics, and sharing knowledge and theories in law enforcement. The characters' attempts to establish connections and understand each other drive the plot and shape their interactions.
Mental Health and Emotional StrugglesCody's unstable state and possession of a shotgun, Cody's tragic ending, Holden reflecting on a recent incident involving a bloodied dying man, Holden questioning whether he could have done more to help the man, Holden frustrated and questioning the effectiveness of the FBI's procedures, Holden's despondency and frustration with teaching, Holden and Tench discussing their frustrations, Detective McGraw's emotional response to the murder case, Holden's frustration with the lack of understanding of aberrant behaviorMental health and emotional struggles are explored throughout the screenplay. Characters like Cody, Holden, and Detective McGraw grapple with their own emotional states and the impact of traumatic events. The theme highlights the toll that these struggles can take on individuals and their ability to cope with challenging situations.
Law Enforcement and Criminal PsychologyHolden teaching a class on hostage negotiation, Holden observing Wilson's class on investigating motiveless crimes, Holden discussing the importance of identifying a perpetrator before negotiating, Holden and Wilson discussing criminal behavior, Holden and Tench teaching classes to local law enforcement, Holden and Tench analyzing crime scene photos, Holden and Tench discussing their theories with young police officersLaw enforcement and criminal psychology are central themes in this screenplay. The characters' work in the FBI and their interactions with law enforcement officers and trainees provide insights into the challenges and strategies involved in investigating crimes and understanding criminal behavior. The theme explores the complexities of law enforcement and the psychological aspects of criminal investigations.
Relationships and IntimacyHolden and Debbie discussing their backgrounds and interests, Holden and Debbie discussing their relationship, Holden and Debbie discussing their lack of knowledge about certain topics, Holden and Debbie having sex and discussing their relationship afterwards, Holden and Tench discussing their frustrations, Holden and Tench offering advice and support to each other, Holden and Debbie's flirtatious conversations, Holden and Tench's friendly and collegial interactionsRelationships and intimacy play a significant role in this screenplay. The romantic relationship between Holden and Debbie, as well as the friendship and mentorship between Holden and Tench, provide emotional depth and personal connections for the characters. The theme explores the complexities and dynamics of relationships, both romantic and platonic.
Trauma and its EffectsCody's tragic ending, Holden reflecting on a recent incident involving a bloodied dying man, Holden questioning whether he could have done more to help the man, Holden frustrated and questioning the effectiveness of the FBI's procedures, Holden's despondency and frustration with teaching, Detective McGraw's emotional response to the murder case, Holden's frustration with the lack of understanding of aberrant behaviorTrauma and its effects are recurring themes in this screenplay. Characters like Cody, Holden, and Detective McGraw experience and grapple with the aftermath of traumatic events. The theme explores the psychological and emotional impact of trauma on individuals and their ability to navigate their personal and professional lives.



Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site Description
Studio Binder Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts
Voice Analysis
Summary: The writer's voice throughout the screenplay is concise, focused, and realistic. They use dialogue and narrative description to create tension, explore complex themes, and develop the characters. The writer's voice is characterized by a blend of seriousness and humor, as well as a strong emphasis on dialogue-driven scenes.
Voice Contribution The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a sense of authenticity and realism. The dialogue feels natural and reflects the characters' personalities and motivations. The concise and focused narrative description adds depth to the scenes and enhances the overall atmosphere. The writer's voice also explores complex themes and challenges conventional thinking, adding depth and meaning to the story.
Best Representation Scene 3 - Negotiation Gone Awry
Best Scene Explanation This scene is the best representation of the author's voice because it showcases their ability to create vivid and evocative imagery, realistic dialogue, and explore complex internal conflicts.
Originality
  • Overall originality score: 5.5
  • Overall originality explanation: The screenplay demonstrates a moderate level of originality. While some scenes present fresh perspectives and unique approaches, others follow familiar setups and situations.
  • Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay are the exploration of the clash between academic knowledge and practical experience in criminal investigation, the fresh approach to discussing criminal motives and the use of humor to engage the audience, and the specific details and dialogue used to describe the disturbing crime case.
  • Overall unpredictability score: 7
  • Overall unpredictability explanation: The full screenplay has a relatively high level of unpredictability. The unique situations, fresh approaches, and unexpected twists in the plot keep the audience engaged and guessing.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal GoalsThe protagonist's internal goals evolve throughout the script, reflecting their need for recognition, validation, closure, connection, and companionship.
External Goals The protagonist's external goals evolve throughout the script, reflecting their immediate circumstances and challenges in their career and personal life.
Philosophical Conflict The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's beliefs and values about criminal behavior, the nature of criminals, and the importance of understanding motives.


Character Development Contribution: The protagonist's evolving internal and external goals contribute to their development by challenging their beliefs, values, and worldview. They are forced to confront their limitations, question established methods, and seek validation and acceptance from others.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The evolving goals and conflicts provide a narrative structure that drives the protagonist's journey and creates tension and suspense. They also serve as catalysts for character growth and development.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring the complexities of criminal behavior, the importance of empathy and understanding, and the limitations of traditional approaches to law enforcement. They also delve into the nature vs. nurture debate and challenge societal perceptions of criminals.


Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site Description
Creative Screenwriting How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?
Pass / Consider / Recommend


Screenplay Rating:

Consider

Executive Summary

The screenplay shows promise in its exploration of criminal psychology and profiling, with strong scenes that effectively set up the premise and introduce thought-provoking themes. The use of unconventional behavior and the introduction of intriguing characters add depth to the story. However, there is room for improvement in developing emotional impact, creating more conflict and obstacles, and providing clearer context and resolutions for certain scenes. The character arcs of Holden Ford, Cody Miller, Debbie, and Bill Tench show potential, but could benefit from further exploration and depth. Overall, the screenplay has a solid foundation but would benefit from further refinement and development to fully engage and captivate the audience.

Strengths
  • The scene effectively sets up the premise of the series, which is centered around criminal psychology and profiling. (Scene 1)
  • The use of Cody's nudity and unconventional behavior adds a layer of unpredictability to the scene. (Scene 2)
  • The scene effectively sets up Holden's frustration and questioning of the FBI's procedures, which will likely be a recurring theme throughout the screenplay. (Scene 3)
  • The introduction of Wilson and his perspective on criminals as human beings adds depth to the story. (Scene 4)
  • The scene effectively introduces Durkheim's Labelling Theory on Deviancy and sparks a conversation about criminality and societal norms. (Scene 7)
Areas of Improvement
  • The emotional tone could be further developed to create a stronger impact on the audience. (Scene 1)
  • The scene could benefit from more conflict or obstacles for the negotiator to overcome. (Scene 1)
  • The emotional impact of Cody's suicide could be further explored. (Scene 2)
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and mood. (Scene 3)
  • The dialogue between Holden and Shepard could be more dynamic and engaging to further highlight the conflict between them. (Scene 3)
MissingElements
  • More information about the specific situation or context of the negotiation. (Scene 1)
  • A clearer understanding of the relationship between the negotiator and Cody. (Scene 1)
  • More information about the specific incident that led to the standoff with Cody. (Scene 2)
  • Further development of Holden's character and his role in the FBI. (Scene 2)
  • A clearer resolution to the conflict between Holden and Debbie's differing perspectives on criminality and deviancy. (Scene 7)
NotablePoints
  • Holden's lack of knowledge about Durkheim adds depth to his character and highlights his focus on practical law enforcement rather than academic theories. (Scene 4)
  • The scene sets up a potential romantic subplot between Holden and Debbie. (Scene 6)
  • The scene effectively establishes the relaxed and flirtatious dynamic between Debbie and Holden, which may have implications for their future interactions and relationship. (Scene 8)
  • The scene effectively introduces the theme of empathy and the importance of understanding the motivations of criminals. (Scene 12)
  • The dialogue raises interesting questions about the nature of violence and the motivations of criminals. (Scene 18)
Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number Line
1CODY: You can see me, right?
3Holden: How good is the book?
4Wilson: These people... are people.
12Holden: Complicated, right? Always expect 'complicated.'
18McGraw: There’s nothing. There’s nothing people won’t do to each other.