Hot Fuzz
Executive Summary
Poster
Overview
Genres: Comedy, Crime, Mystery, Action, Drama, Thriller, Police Procedural, Romance
Setting: Contemporary, Sandford, a quaint village in the UK
Overview: In 'Hot Fuzz', Police Constable Nicholas Angel, a highly skilled officer from London, is transferred to the seemingly idyllic village of Sandford, Gloucestershire, where he faces a stark contrast between his rigorous policing methods and the laid-back attitudes of the locals. Initially resistant to the change, Angel grapples with the village's quirky dynamics and the complacency of his new colleagues. As he investigates a series of suspicious incidents, he uncovers a sinister conspiracy orchestrated by the Neighborhood Watch Alliance, which seeks to maintain the village's facade of tranquility at any cost. The story builds to a chaotic climax where Angel confronts the dark truths hidden beneath Sandford's surface, ultimately leading to a showdown that tests his commitment to justice and his ability to adapt to his new environment.
Themes: The Clash of Cultures, The Illusion of Tranquility, The Importance of Community, The Nature of Conformity and Rebellion, The Power of Individuality
Conflict and Stakes: Angel's struggle to maintain his integrity and uphold the law in a village where crime is hidden behind a facade of idyllic life, with the stakes being his career and the safety of the community.
Overall Mood: A mix of comedic absurdity and dark humor, with moments of tension and action.
Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:
- Scene 1: The tone is one of admiration and respect as Angel's impressive background is showcased.
Standout Features:
- Unique Hook: The juxtaposition of a highly skilled metropolitan police officer being forced to adapt to the absurdities of rural policing.
- Plot Twist: The revelation that the seemingly idyllic village is hiding a series of murders orchestrated by its residents.
- Distinctive Setting: The quaint yet sinister village of Sandford, which serves as a character in its own right.
- Innovative Ideas: The blend of action, comedy, and mystery, creating a unique tone that keeps audiences engaged.
- Unique Characters: A cast of eccentric villagers that add humor and depth to the story.
Comparable Scripts:
- Hot Fuzz
- Shaun of the Dead
- The Office (UK)
- Parks and Recreation
- The Nice Guys
- Midsomer Murders
- The Heat
- Brooklyn Nine-Nine
- Fargo
Writing Style:
The screenplay exhibits a strong blend of humor, action, and character-driven storytelling, often incorporating elements of suspense, mystery, and social commentary. It features witty dialogue, unique character dynamics, and a fast-paced narrative, creating a unique and engaging cinematic experience.
Style Similarities:
- Edgar Wright
- Simon Pegg
Pass/Consider/Recommend
Recommend
Explanation: The screenplay for 'Hot Fuzz' is a well-crafted, genre-blending story that balances comedic elements with an engaging mystery and action-packed sequences. The narrative follows the journey of a talented but overzealous London police officer, Nicholas Angel, who is transferred to the seemingly idyllic village of Sandford. As he uncovers a dark conspiracy within the town's tightly-knit community, the screenplay skillfully navigates between laugh-out-loud humor and intense, suspenseful moments. The strong character arcs, particularly the evolving relationship between Angel and his new partner Danny Butterman, provide emotional depth and drive the story forward. Overall, the screenplay showcases a unique blend of genre tropes, memorable characters, and a compelling central mystery that would appeal to a wide audience.
USP: What sets 'Hot Fuzz' apart is its sharp satirical edge that critiques the idyllic portrayal of rural life while simultaneously delivering a thrilling action-comedy narrative. The film's unique blend of humor, action, and social commentary resonates with audiences, making it compelling as both a piece of entertainment and a critique of societal norms. Its clever use of genre conventions and character development ensures it stands out in the buddy cop genre.
Market Analysis
Budget Estimate:$20-30 million
Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 18-45, fans of action-comedy, mystery, and British humor.
Marketability: The screenplay combines action, comedy, and mystery, appealing to a broad audience and capitalizing on the popularity of British humor.
The unique blend of genres and the quirky characters create a distinctive voice that can attract niche audiences.
The film's themes of community and the absurdity of rural life resonate with viewers, though it may not appeal to everyone.
Profit Potential: Moderate to high, due to its potential for strong box office performance, especially in international markets, and opportunities for merchandising and sequels.
Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice
Summary:The writer's voice is a unique blend of sharp wit, dry humor, and a subtle yet potent blend of seriousness and lightheartedness. They use witty dialogue and quirky characters to create a charmingly absurd world, but the screenplay never shies away from exploring darker themes and conflicts. The writer expertly balances moments of comedic relief with instances of tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged while simultaneously offering a nuanced commentary on societal dynamics and the complexities of human nature.
Best representation: Scene 9 - A Humorous Introduction. This scene encapsulates the writer's unique voice through its blend of witty dialogue, quirky characters, and a contrast between serious and lighthearted themes. The scene establishes the tone of the screenplay, showcasing the dynamic between Angel's serious demeanor and the light-heartedness of his colleagues. The dialogue is sharp and memorable, with lines like 'You guys have low expectations' perfectly capturing Angel's frustration with the village's laid-back attitude.
Memorable Lines:
- Male Voice: Police Constable Nicholas Angel. (Scene 1)
- Angel: LESILE TILLER WAS MURDERED! (Scene 31)
- Janine: You just can’t switch off Nicholas. (Scene 4)
- Angel: By the power of Grey Skull! (Scene 19)
- Danny: It’s just the one killer actually. (Scene 33)
Characters
Police Constable Nicholas Angel:A highly competent and dedicated police officer who struggles to adapt to the rural policing culture of Sandford.
Danny Butterman:Angel's enthusiastic and somewhat naive partner, who idolizes action movies and provides comic relief.
Simon Skinner:The charming yet sinister local shopkeeper with a hidden agenda, involved in the village's dark secrets.
Frank Butterman:The laid-back police chief of Sandford, who prefers to maintain the status quo and is Danny's father.
Joyce Cooper:A quirky local resident who provides comic moments and interacts humorously with Angel.
Story Shape
Screenplay Story Analysis
Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Story Content | Character Development | Scene Elements | Audience Engagement | Technical Aspects | |||||||||||||||||
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Click for Full Analysis | Tone | Overall Grade | Concept | Plot | Originality Score | Characters | Character Changes | Internal Goal | External Goal | Conflict | Opposition | High stakes | Story forward | Twist | Emotional Impact | Dialogue | Engagement | Pacing | Formatting | Structure | |
1 - The Rise of Constable Nicholas Angel | Intense, Humorous, Informative | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
2 - Reluctant Promotion | Humorous, Sarcastic, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
3 - Conformity vs. Exceptionalism | Humorous, Serious, Conversational | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
4 - Fractured Connections | Tense, Emotional, Humorous | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
5 - A Humorous Departure | Sarcastic, Lonely, Witty, Melancholic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
6 - A Toast to the Law | Humorous, Sarcastic, Confrontational | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
7 - A Night of Disorder in Sandford | Humorous, Sarcastic, Idyllic, Confrontational | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
8 - Welcome to Sandford: A Comedic Introduction | Humorous, Sarcastic, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
9 - Pints and Past Tales | Humorous, Sarcastic, Conversational | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 4 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 5 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
10 - A Humorous Introduction | Humorous, Serious, Confrontational | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
11 - Village Encounters: Apples and Action Movies | Humorous, Light-hearted, Sardonic | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
12 - The Missing Swan and Misunderstood Officer | Humorous, Sarcastic, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 6 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
13 - Suspicion in Aisle Five | Humorous, Sarcastic, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
14 - The Great Supermarket Chase | Humorous, Fast-paced, Surreal | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
15 - A Biscuit Heist and a Speeding Solicitor | Humorous, Sarcastic, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
16 - The Unwanted Invitation | Humorous, Sarcastic, Awkward | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 6 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
17 - A Night of Celebration Turns Deadly | Suspenseful, Humorous, Dark | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
18 - Dismissed Theories and New Assignments | Humorous, Suspenseful, Sarcastic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
19 - Misunderstandings and Mayhem | Humorous, Suspenseful, Informative | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
20 - A Day of Discovery and Revelry | Humorous, Light-hearted, Sarcastic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 5 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
21 - Night Encounters | Humorous, Suspenseful, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
22 - A Night of Contrasts | Humorous, Suspenseful, Sarcastic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
23 - Frustration in the CCTV Office | Humorous, Suspenseful, Professional | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 4 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
24 - A Fete to Remember | Humorous, Suspenseful, Light-hearted | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
25 - A Fete of Tension | Humorous, Suspenseful, Mysterious | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
26 - A Fete Turned Fatal | Suspenseful, Humorous, Shocking | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
27 - Rainy Revelations | Suspenseful, Humorous, Serious | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
28 - Uncovering the Mystery | Suspenseful, Humorous, Investigative | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
29 - Local Connections Uncovered | Humorous, Suspenseful, Informative | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 4 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
30 - A Birthday Interrupted | Suspenseful, Humorous, Serious | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
31 - Murder in the Nursery | Suspenseful, Humorous, Intense | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
32 - Confrontation in the Office | Suspenseful, Humorous, Dramatic | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
33 - Frustration and Insight | Suspense, Dark Humor, Sarcastic, Serious | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
34 - Confrontation at Dusk | Suspenseful, Intense, Dramatic, Tense | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
35 - The Sinister Gathering at Sandford Castle | Suspenseful, Dark, Intense, Revealing | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
36 - Betrayal in the Shadows | Suspenseful, Dark, Intense, Emotional, Shocking | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
37 - Chaos in Sandford | Intense, Humorous, Suspenseful | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
38 - Chaos at The Crown | Intense, Confrontational, Revealing | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
39 - Supermarket Showdown | Tense, Humorous, Chaotic, Dramatic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
40 - Chaos in the Miniature Village | Intense, Humorous, Dramatic | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
41 - Chaos in Sandford | Tense, Humorous, Dramatic, Chaotic | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
42 - A New Chapter in Sandford | Tense, Chaotic, Humorous, Dramatic | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 |
Scene 1 - The Rise of Constable Nicholas Angel
POLICE CONSTABLE NICHOLAS ANGEL bursts through the entrance
of a eity police station and [U+FB02]ashes his warrant card.
MALE VOICE (V.0.}
Police Constable Nicholas Angel.
INT. METROPOLITAN POLICE STATION - DAY
ANGEL strides down a corridor. His collar number reads 777.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Born and schooled in London.
Graduated from Canterbury
University in 1993 with a double
[U+FB02]rst in politics and
sociology.
INSERT: ANGEL at training college standing amongst dopey
looking trainees. They wear navy tee shirts and shorts.
MALE VOICE (V.0.}
Attended police training college,
displaying an impressive aptitude
in both field training and
theoretical studies.
INSERT: ANGEL running in riot gear down an alley, dodging
petrol bombs, storming a fake hostage situation, finishing
an exam and holding the paper aloft.
MALE VOICE (V.0.} (cont’d)
Excelled way beyond peers, passed
into the Metropolitan Police
Service-
INSERT: ANGEL surrounded by the same dopey faces as before,
this time in full uniform, at a graduation parade.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
-and soon proved worth as an
officer. Establishing both a
popularity and an effectiveness in
the community-
INSERT: ANGEL talking with elderly people, a Chinese family
in their native tongue, young offenders in a hall.
MALE VOICE (V.0.}
-Furthering his skills with
elective training courses in
advanced driving-
2.
INSERT: ANGEL doing an elaborate skid in a police car.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
-as well as pioneering the use of
the mountain bicycle-
INSERT: ANGEL doing an elaborate skid on a police bike.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (cont’d)
-and raising of[U+FB02]oe morale
with an inventive use of desktop
publishing-
INSERT: ANGEL pinning up various notices in bright colours;
they read ’BIKE SHED’, ’CANTEEN’, ’HATE CRIMES’.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (cont’d)
-Also became heavily involved in
many extra curricular activities
and to this day holds the Met
record for the 100 metre dash.
INSERT: ANGEL fencing, doing judo, playing chess, bursts
through a finishing tape at speed.
MALE VOICE (V.0.}
-In 2001 began operations in a
North London armed response unit,
Whiskey, Bravo 7-
INSERT: ANGEL bursts into a stairwell of an apartment block
as part of a heavily armed response team.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
-and received a bravery award for
efforts in the resolution of
Operation Crackdcwn-
INSERT: ANGEL storms a room where a wild eyed CRACKHEAD
holds a family hostage with a KALISHNIKOV. ANGEL responds
fast, firing a short burst. His expression is one of shock.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (cont’d)
In the last twelve months alone,
has received nine special
commendations, achieved the highest
arrest record for any officer in
the borough and sustained three
injuries in the line of duty, most
recently in December when wounded
by a man dressed as Eather
Christmas.
3.
INSERT: We see [U+FB02]ashes of framed commendations,
multiple cuffing and a violent altercation with a wild eyed
St. Nick.
Ratings
Scene 2 - Reluctant Promotion
POLICE CONSTABLE NICHOLAS ANGEL bursts through the entrance
of a city police station and [U+FB02]ashes his warrant card.
MALE VOICE (V.0.}
Police Constable Nicholas Angel.
INT. SERGEANT’S GEEICE - DAY
ANGEL sits opposite a jovial SERGEANT of the same age.
SERGEANT
Hello Nicholas. How’s the hand?
ANGEL
Still a bit stiff.
SEEGEANT
Hardly fitting for such a good boy.
ANGEL
I’m sorry Sergeant?
SERGEANT
Getting stabbed by Santa.
ANGEL
Right.
SERGEANT
It can get awfully hairy out there.
I’m surprised you hadn’t been
snapped up into a nice desk job
before. That’s what I did.
ANGEL
I know sergeant. I prefer to think
my office is out on the street.
SERGEANT
Indeed you do. Your arrest record
is 460% higher than any other
officer. And your paperwork is
really quite exemplary. You do like
to cross the ’I’s and dot the ’T’s.
4.
ANGEL
Dot the ’I’s and cross the ’T’s.
SERGEANT
Exactly. And that’s why it’s high
time such skills were put to better
use. We’re making you Sergeant.
ANGEL
I see.
SERGEANT
(mumbles)
In Sandford, Gloucestershire.
ANGEL
In where sorry?
SERGEANT
In Sandford, Gloucestershire.
ANGEL
That’s in the country.
SERGEANT
Yes, lovely.
ANGEL
That’s miles away.
SERGEANT
Lovely.
ANGEL
Is there not a Sergeant’s position
in London?
SERGEANT
No.
ANGEL
Well, can I just stay here as a
P.C.?
SERGEANT
Nooo.
ANGEL
Do I have any choice in this?
SERGEANT
Noooo.
5.
ANGEL
But, I like it here.
SERGEANT
You always said you wanted to
transfer to the country.
ANGEL
In twenty years time maybe.
SERGEANT
Well done you.
ANGEL
Hang on - I don’t actually remember
telling you that.
SERGEANT
Yes you did, you said"
(slyly looks at notes)
"I’d love to settle down in the
country sometime Janine".
ANGEL
I’d like to talk to the Inspector.
SERGEANT
Hey, fine. You can talk to the
Inspector, but I promise he’ll say
the same thing as me.
Ratings
Scene 3 - Conformity vs. Exceptionalism
An equally jovial INSPECTOR sits alongside the SERGEANT.
INSPECTOR
Hello Nicholas. How’s the hand?
ANGEL
Still a bit stiff.
INSPECTOR
How are things at home?
ANGEL
I’m sorry sir?
INSPECTOR
How’s Janine?
6.
ANGEL
We’re no longer together sir-
INSEECTQR
So where are you living now?
SERGEANT
He’s in the Section House sir.
INSPECTOR
With all the recruits?
ANGEL
Temporarily yes, but-
INSPECTOR
Well, we must get you out of there.
SERGEANT
Yes, he’s living out of cardboard
boxes.
INSPECTOR
Well, then you’re already packed.
Nicholas, we’re offering you a
smashing position and a delightful
cottage in a lovely little place
that’s been voted ’Village of the
Year’ I don’t know how many times.
It’ll be good for you.
SERGEANT
We’re only asking you to go for
nine months.
ANGEL
Nine months!?
INSPECTOR
A year.
SERGEANT
Two years tops.
ANGEL
I really don’t know what to say-
INSPECTOR
Just say yes.
SERGEANT
Just say yes, thank you.
7.
ANGEL
No, I’m sorry sir, I want to-
INSPECTOR
-take this higher?
ANGEL
Yes. Yes I do.
INSPECTOR
You want me to bother the Chief
Inspector with this?
ANGEL
Yes I do.
INSPECTOR
You want me to get the Chief
Inspector to come all the way down
here?
ANGEL
Yes.
INSPECTOR
Okay. Kenneth?
The jovial CHIEF INSPECTOR (50’s) enters. ANGEL stands.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Hello Nicholas. How’s the hand?
INSPECTOR & SERGEANT
Still a bit stiff.
ANGEL
Chief Inspector-
CEIEF INSPECTOR
Keep your seat. Now, I know what
you’re going to say, but the fact
is, you’re making us all look bad.
ANGEL
I’m sorry sir?
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Of course we all appreciate your
efforts, but you’re rather letting
the side down.
8.
ANGEL
But, my record is 406% higher than
everyone else.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Exactly...
ANGEL
I’m not sure I-
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Sometimes you’ve just got to sail
the middle path.
INSPECTOR
It’s all about being a team player,
Nicholas.
SERGEANT
You can’t be the Sheriff of London.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
If we let you carry on running
around town, you’ll just continue
to be exceptional and we can’t have
that. You’ll put us all out of a
job.
ANGEL
With the greatest respect, sir. You
can’t just make people disappear.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Yes I can. I’m the Chief Inspector.
INSPECTOR
No one’s disappearing, Sergeant.
ANGEL
However you spin this, there’s one
thing you haven’t counted on. And
that’s what the ’team’ are going to
make of this.
ANGEL exits the office and is greeted by every officer in
the force, clasping plastic glasses. A makeshift sign made
from colour photocopied sheets reads ’GOOD LUCK NICHOLAS’.
9.
Ratings
Scene 4 - Fractured Connections
A group of Crime Scene Investigators dressed in white
protective suits, face masks and goggles, work in a blood
spattered room. A mobile rings. One of the CSI’s picks up.
JANINE
Hello.
ANGEL (O.S.}
Janine. It’s me.
JANINE
I know. I’m at work.
ANGEL (O.S.)
I know. I’m outside.
JANINE turns to see ANGEL outside the window on his mobile.
ANGEL (CONT’C}
What’s the situation?
JANINE
You know the situation. We’ve been
over this.
ANGEL
I meant here.
JANINE
Two people involved, distinct signs
of a struggle. A complete mess.
ANGEL
You are talking about here?
JANINE
Nicholas, what do you want?
ANGEL
I need to tell you something and I
didn’t want to do it over the
phone.
ANGEL disappears. Beat. He re-enters moments later and
approaches the hallway door. He sees JANINE.
ANGEL (CONT’D)
Janine, I’m being transferred. I’m
going away for a while-
10.
MALE CSI
I’m not Janine.
A cough. ANGEL turns to find JANINE standing to his right.
ANGEL
Janine, I’m being transferred. I’m
going away for a while.
JANINE
I know. Bob told me.
Another CSI walks past and waves to ANGEL.
BOB
Alright?
ANGEL
I just wanted to tell you in
person. There’s no reason why we
can’t be civil with each other.
It’s not so long ago that we were
talking about getting married.
JANINE
Yes but you were already married to
the force weren’t you?
ANGEL
We’re actually supposed to refer to
it as ’the service’ now.
Of[U+FB02]oial’vocab guidelines
state that ’force’ sounds too
aggressive.
JANINE
See that’s it. It’s only ever about
the job. It’s all you care about.
ANGEL
That’s not true.
JANINE
No, you’re right, you do have that
rubber plant.
ANGEL
It’s actually a Peace Lily.
JANINE
You just can’t switch off Nicholas.
JANINE whips off her goggles for emphasis. We are still no
wiser as to what she looks like.
11.
JANINE (cont’d)
And until you find a person you
care about more than your job, you
never will. Besides you were the
one who suggested we take a break.
ANGEL
Yeah well, guilty people usually
make the first move.
JANINE
Actually there’s something I need
to tell you too.
ANGEL
You’re seeing somebody.
JANINE
Yes. How did you-?
ANGEL
Is it Bob?
We see BOB dusting for prints.
JANINE
No. Does Bob look like the kind of
person I’d go out with?...It’s
Dave.
She gestures to an identical CSI. He waves to ANGEL.
DAVE
Alright?
ANGEL looks down and stares at the [U+FB02]oor. JANINE
softens.
JANINE
Oh, Nicholas-
ANGEL
You do know that window’s been
broken from the inside?
The CSIs look to the broken window. JANINE hangs her head.
12.
Ratings
Scene 5 - A Humorous Departure
We prowl down the corridor of a dormitory to a tiny bedroom.
ANGEL packs a large red suitcase and takes down photos from
the wall; a blonde child in a toy police car, an article
reading ’HERO GUN COP SAVES FAMILY’. Three FRESH FACED
RECRUITS appear at the door.
RECRUIT
Is it true you’re leaving sir?
ANGEL
Yes it is true.
RECRUIT
Is it okay if we have your milk?
INT/EXT. TITLES/TRAVEL NONTAGE - DAY - DUSK
ANGEL leaves the section house, striking a lonely figure on
the pavement with his suitcase and pot plant under his
arm...
...ANGEL cradles his POT PLANT on a crowded TUBE TRAIN...
...ANGEL reads The Guardian on an INTER-CITY TRAIN and eats
tofu from a lunch box. Urban landscapes whisr by...
...ANGEL and his POT PLANT at a deserted train station...
...ANGEL sits on a connecting shuttle train. The reception
bars on his mobile deplete. Street lights whizz by...
...ANGEL sits in a minicab in semi darkness. Out of the
window a sign looms: ’WELCOME TO SANDEORD’, ’THE COMMUNITY
THAT CARES’. It features a picture of castle ruins.
...Signs whizz by; one pointing to the ’MODEL VILLAGE’, a
large [U+FB02]oral display reading ’SANDFOED, VILLAGE OF THE
YEAR’, a NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH sign. We see a local church
surrounded in scaffolding. Rain spots the cab window.
EXT. SANDEORD VILLAGE SQUARE - EVENING
The minicab pulls away, leaving ANGEL, a lonely figure on
the pavement, the pot plant under his arm.
13.
INT. SWAN HOTEL RECEPTION - NIGHT
ANGEL comes in to the reception of an up-market guest house,
with twee living room furnishings in the foyer. A VERY OLD
MAN snores in an armchair.
We see a poster for a production of ROMEO AND JULIET. An
ornamental sword is mounted above a front desk where a
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN presides. She doesn’t look up.
WOMAN
It would appear the heavens have
opened.
ANGEL
I was hoping I could check in.
WOMAN
Check in? But you’ve always been
here.
ANGEL
Excuse me?
WOMAN
(peering through specs)
I’m sorry, I thought you were my
husband. You must be Sgt. Angel.
ANGEL
Um, yes I am.
JOYCE COOPER
I’m Joyce Cooper. I trust you had a
pleasant trip. Fascist.
ANGEL
I beg your pardon?
JOYCE COOPER
System of Government characterised
by extreme dictatorship. Seven
across.
MRS. COOPER motions to the crossword she’s been doing.
ANGEL
Ah. I believe that’s ’fascism’.
JOYCE COOPER
Fascism? Wonderful. We’ve put you
in the ’Castle Suite’. It’s on the
second [U+FB02]oor. Bernard will
escort you up.
14.
She motions to the OLD MAN in the foyer. For a moment he
looks dead but a prodigious snore proves otherwise.
ANGEL
It’s okay. I’m sure I can make my
own way up. Hag.
JOYCE COOPER
I beg your pardon?
ANGEL
Evil old woman considered ugly or
frightful. 12 down.
JOYCE COOPER
Bless you.
Ratings
Scene 6 - A Toast to the Law
ANGEL approaches a door marked CASTLE SUITE. He unlocks it
and enters. The room is quaint but identical in dimension to
his previous accomodation. ANGEL takes off his jacket and
places his POT PLANT on the windowsill. It’s deathly quiet.
ANGEL grabs his jacket again.
EXT. SANDFORD SQUARE - NIGHT
The rain now stopped, ANGEL walks the empty streets. He
hears signs of life from the pub. He heads towards it,
passing the village fountain, where a group of young
children gather. Chatting, leaning on skateboards, they all
wear hooded tops.
ANGEL frowns and glances at his watch. As he passes, the
HOODIES all stare after him.
INT. THE CROWN - NIGHT
ANGEL cautiously enters a lively pub, complete with rustic
farming equipment and a cheery landlord and landlady.
ROTUND DRINKER
Pint of lager, please Mary.
MARY PORTER
Right you are my love.
ROY PORTER
Yes sir, what can I get you?
15.
ANGEL
Could I have a glass of the...
cranberry juice please?
ROY PORTER
Certainly. Now, you wouldn’t, by
any chance, be the new policeman?
ANGEL
Police officer, yes. My name is
Nicholas Angel.
ROY PORTER
Thought so. I’m Roy Porter and this
is my wife Mary.
MARY PORTER
Welcome to Sandford. If there’s
anything you need, let us know.
ANGEL
Thanks. Could I borrow your paper?
ANGEL points to a ’SANDFORD CITIZEN’ on the bar.
MARY PORTER
It’s not ours love.
ROY PORTER
Not big fans of the local
fishwrapper, are we Mare? They
listed her age as 55"
MARY PORTER
-when I’m actually 53.
ROTUND DRINKER
Pint of lager, please Mary.
MARY PORTER
Right you are my love.
INT. THE CROWN - NIGHT
ANGEL sits on a stool at the bar reading the paper -
(Headlines read ’MYSTERY SURROUNDS PROPOSED EIPASS’)
A suspiciously young laugh draws ANGEL’s attention. Some
drinkers at the bar look very fresh faced. Others drink beer
through straws. Another drinker guffaws, his BRACES glint.
ANGEL is dazzled. He looks to a sign reading ’IT IS ILLEGAL
TO SELL ALCOHOL TO ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18’.
16.
INT. THE CROWN - CONTINUOUS
ANGEL strides over to the table of straw drinkers.
ANGEL
Excuse me. When’s your birthday?
YOUNGSTE
22nd of February.
ANGEL
What year?
YOUNGSTER
Every year.
ANGEL
Okay. Get out.
JUMPCUT. ANGEL talks to the YOUNGSTER with terrible acne.
YOUNGSTE 2
Eighth of May, 1968.
ANGEL
You’re 37?
YOUNGSTER 2
...Yeah.
ANGEL
Get out.
JUMPCUT. A high voiced YOUNGSTER with braces.
YOUNGSTER 3
Ummm...
ANGEL
Out.
ROY PORTER
Is there a problem officer?
ANGEL
Yes there is. An awful lot of your
patrons appear to be underage Mr.
Porter.
ROY PORTER
Well, a few of them may be a month
or two south of proper. But if
they’re in here, it stops them
getting into trouble out there-
17.
MARY PORTER
-doing their business in the
street, having fisticuffs, nicking
traf[U+FB02]c cones-
ROY PORTER
The way we see it, it’s all about
the greater good.
MARY PORTER
...the greater good.
ANGEL
That may be, but the law’s the law.
They’ll all have to go.
MARY PORTER/ROY PORTER
Oh.
Ratings
Scene 7 - A Night of Disorder in Sandford
A grumbling group of teens stomp out of the pub.
INT. THE CROWN - NIGHT
ANGEL is sat back at the bar. The pub is now almost empty.
The PORTERS are not so cheery now.
ROY PORTER
Another cranberry juice?
ANGEL
I’m fine thank you.
EXT. THE CROWN - NIGHT
ANGEL strolls out of the pub and walks past the fountain. He
tosses a coin in and takes time to observe the plague; ’This
fountain was generously’restored with funds raised by Mr F.
Butterman, Mrs J. Cooper, Mr R. Hatcher, Miss A. Paver...’
A metallic scratching distracts ANGEL. He sees the ROTUND
DRINKER trying to put his key in the lock of an ASTRA.
ANGEL
I hope you’re not thinking of
driving that.
18.
ROTUND DRINKER
Nope.
The ROTUND ERINKER stumbles away from the car. ANGEL turns
back and notices that the plague has been vandalised with a
marker pen graffiti tag which appears to be a ’G’.
An engine revs behind ANGEL. He jumps back as the ASTRA
reverses into the fountain with a resounding crash. He
storms over to the driver’s door and hauls the ROTUNO
DRINKER out, who immediately and loudly throws up.
ANGEL
I’m taking you down the station...
Where is it?
ANGEL escorts the ROTUND DRINKER by the collar. Up ahead,
the underage drinkers pisses in the street. ANGEL coughs.
UNDERAGE DRINKER
What?
INT. SANDFOED STATION/FRONT OFFICE - NIGHT
ANGEL strides in with the ROTUND DRINKER and the UNDERAGE
DRINKER. He has also picked up three other underage
drinkers, two scuffed from brawling and one with a traffic
cone on his head. He [U+FB02]ashes his card to a cheery DESK
SERGEANT.
DESK SERGEANT
Sergeant Nicholas Angel? When did
you start?
ANGEL
Tomorrow.
DESK SERGEANT
I see you’ve already arrested the
whole village.
ANGEL
Not exactly.
The DESK SERGEANT looks to the ROTUND DRINKER and laughs.
The ROTUNE DRINKER stumbles over to a connecting door.
DESK SERGEANT
You in for the night? Four’s free.
19.
ANGEL
I need to talk to him.
DESK SERGEANT
He’ll be no use til the morning. Do
you really want to process this
lot? My pen’s running out.
ANGEL
Not a problem.
ANGEL retrieves two pens from his pocket. Cue ELASHCUTS of
detainees being processed, fingerprints taken, heights
measured; (the TRAFFIC CONE kid, unable to remove his
headgear is recorded as 8’ 2").
INT. SWAN HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
ANGEL lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling.
INT. SWAN HOTEL ROOM - MORNING
JUMP CUT to the next morning. The bed is empty.
EXT. HIGH STREET - MORNING
ANGEL in sweats, jogs out of the hotel. In the daylight,
Sandford looks beautiful and idyllic.
JOYCE COOPER is up a ladder, watering her hanging baskets.
She greets ANGEL cheerily. He passes other early birds who
do the same; a FEMALE NEWSAGENT setting out her paper stand,
a EOOKISH WOMAN on a bicycle, a cheery VICAR, a dishy
DOCTOR.
ANGEL sees the crashed ASTRA being towed away by a removal
vehicle operated by two GRUFF LOOKING MEN. They nod to him.
MAN (O.S.)
Lock me up?
Another jogger stops by ANGEL. He has a ready smirk and a
confident air. He wears a ’SANDFORD FUN RUNNERS’ t-shirt.
ANGEL
Sorry?
MAN
I’m a slasher and I must be
stopped.
20.
ANGEL
You’re a what?
MAN
A slasher...of prices. I’m joking
of course. I’m Simon Skinner, I run
the local Super Marche.
SIMON SKINNER nods to a supermarket named SUMMRAISLES.
Pop in some time, my discounts are
criminal. Catch me later.
SKINNER accelerates into a sprint, leaving a bemused ANGEL
at the door of his hotel. ANGEL strides inside.
Ratings
Scene 8 - Welcome to Sandford: A Comedic Introduction
ANGEL strides into the station, now in full uniform. The
same DESK SERGEANT is there as before. Although he is now
sour faced and has curly hair. ANGEL is a tad confused.
ANGEL
Morning Sergeant. Have you done
something with your hair?
DESK SERGEANT
No.
ANGEL
Well, could you tell Inspector
Butterman that I’ve arrived?
DESK SERGEANT
No.
ANGEL
Why?
DESK SERGEANT
He’s not in yet.
ANGEL
I see. How’s our guest?
DESK SERGEANT
Guest?
ANGEL
The inebriate in cell four.
21.
DESK SERGEANT
I dunno. Nobody tells me nothing.
ANGEL walks over to Cell Four and looks through the
observation hatch. Panic spreads across his face.
ANGEL
Can I get cell four open?
DESK SERGEANT (O.S.)
Danny, can you open four?
ANGEL
Quickly please?
DESK SERGEANT (O.S.)
Quickly...please!
An OFFICER opens the cell. ANGEL walks in to find it empty.
ANGEL
He’s gone.
OFFICER
Oh my god? Who’s gone?
We see that the OFFICER is the ROTUND DRINKER.
ANGEL
Why are you dressed as a police
officer?
OFFICER
Because I am one?
A jovial man enters the cell in senior officer’s garb.
FRANK
Sergeant Angel, at last. I see
you’ve already met my boy.
INT. FRANK’S OFFICE - DAY
FRANK’s office is adorned with CERTIFICATES, including
’VILLAGE OF THE YEAR’ plagues, along with a POLICE a glass
case and two mounted ANTIQUE PISTOLS.
We also see a photo of a younger FRANK and DANNY dressed as
cowboys and a middle aged woman dressed as a sguaw.
22.
FRANK
Do forgive me. I’m something of a
wild west nut. Speaking of which,
that was a fair few outlaws you
rounded up last night.
ANGEL
Thank you sir.
FRANK
I admire your enthusiasm Nicholas
and far be it from me to
sti[U+FB02]e your [U+FB02]air, but
this isn’t London.
ANGEL
With respect sir, geographical
location shouldn’t factor in the
application of the law.
FRANK
But coming in all guns blaring can
sometimes exacerbate matters, you
know make things worse?
ANGEL
I’m aware of the meaning of
exacerbate, sir.
FRANK
Of course you are. Statistically,
Sandford is the safest village in
the country but that doesn’t mean
it reguires anything less than a
careful and considered approach.
There’s a reason we accommodate a
few of the younglings at the pub.
ANGEL
The greater good?
FRANK
The greater good. Precisely! Your
predecessor assumed rural policing
was easy. Ended up having a nervous
breakdown. And Sgt. Popwell was an
exceptional officer, truly
exceptional. And he had one thing
you haven’t got.
ANGEL
What’s that sir?
23.
FRANK
A great big bushy beard! Come on.
Let’s have a mosey around.
INT. STATION - DAY
FRANK shows ANGEL the locker room. DANNY lags behind.
FRANK
Locker room.
FRANK opens a door on a musty collection of riot gear.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Riot room.
A HEDGEHOG is startled by the rare intrusion. FRANK
approaches another door with a security keypad.
FRANK (CONT’D) (cont’d)
And this here’s the evidence room.
What’s the code again?
DANNY
999, Dad.
FRANK
You’d think I’d remember that.
FRANK opens the evidence locker. It’s surprisingly empty.
FRANK (CONT’ D}
Now, how about a trip to the Andes?
FRANK leads them to a door marked ’C.I.D’. Inside are two
thirty something plain clothes officers with cropped hair,
and tashes. On their small desk are two plates of cake.
FRANK
Detective Sergeant Wainwright and
Detective Constable Cartwright.
CARTWRIGHT and WAINWRIGHT stare back at ANGEL with disdain.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Don’t get up.
They leave and continue down the corridor.
FRANK
I suspect you’re wondering why we
call them the Andes.
24.
ANGEL
Because they’re both called Andrew?
FRANK
They said you were good.
DANNY
It’s also because talking te them
is a uphill struggle, innit Dad?
A wastepaper basket sails out of the Andes office and hits
Eanny on the head.
DANNY (cont’d)
Oh fuck eff?
FRANK
Thank you Danny.
A battered tin reads ’SWEARBOX’. DANNY dreps a quid in.
FRANK (O.S.)
The swearbox. All proceeds to the
restoration of the church roof.
FRANK shows ANGEL into the operations room, where uniformed
officers bunch together at oramped desks.
FRANK
And this is where it all happens-
We hear a solitary Apple start-up chime.
FRANK (cont’d)
That’s Sergeant Tony Fisher, that’s
PC Bob Walker and that is Saxon.
FISHER (40’s) reedy, fixed grin. WALKER (50’s) bald,
grizzled with a large Alsatian. All three are eating cake.
WALKER
Pleshnrertoaveyeenbordsarg.
FRANK
And this is one Doris Thatcher.
DANNY
She’s our only police woman.
ANGEL
She’s not a police woman.
25.
DANNY
She is. I’ve seen her bra.
ANGEL
She’s a police officer, being a
woman has nothing to do with it.
DORIS TRATCHER
Oh, I don’t knew. It comes in handy
every so often.
The rosy faced officer winks lewdly at a blushing ANGEL.
DORIS TRATCHER (cont’d)
I ceuld’ve given you the tour. I’ve
been round the station a few times.
The office erupts into bawdy cheers. ANGEL is keen to move
on. He points to a door marked ’N.W.A’.
ANGEL
What’s upstairs?
A little besuited man opens the door. On the table of his
tiny, folder crammed office is a plate of chocolate cake.
WEAVER
Well, well, well, I see we have
Visitors.
FRANK
Nicholas, this is Tom Weaver"
WEAVER
Civilian liaison for the
Neighbourhood Watch at your
service.
ANGEL
Good to meet you.
WEAVER
You’ll find we run a tight ship
here. Got everyone linked up with a
walkie so we can keep eaoh other
abreast of any misadventure. And
from here
WEAVER opens a connecting door to a room full of monitors.
WEAVER (cont’d)
I can see what the whole village is
up to. I must say I was rather
admiring your handiwork last night.
26.
Chuckling WEAVER cues up CCTV footage of ANGEL’s run-ins. We
also see footage of HOODIES huddled around the fountain.
WEAVER (cont’d)
Shame you couldn’t have done the
same with those bloody hoodies.
Hanging around. Loitering. Sitting.
ANGEL
I did notice some minor graffiti on
the fountain.
WEAVER
Graffiti? I knew they were up to
something! They need to be dealt
with Frank?
FRANK
They’re nippers Tom. They’ll come
round.
ANGEL
Yes, this kind of transgression
usually stems from boredom. Ever
thought about building them a skate
park? Or providing a designated
wall for a graf[U+FB02]ti mural?
WEAVER looks at ANGEL and lets out a huge guffaw.
WEAVER
Ha? That’s all we need on the team,
another bloody joker. Which reminds
me, our friend the living statue’s
back. He was there Saturday.
WEAVER [U+FB02]icks through CCTV printouts of a street
performer dressed as a STATUE. They are all identical.
WEAVER (cont’d)
Look 11am, 12pm, lunchtime, 2pm. If
we don’t come down hard on these
clowns, we’ll be up to our balls in
jugglers.
FRANK
Perish the thought.
WEAVER
I tried to move him on myself but
it cost me twenty quid in fifty
pees and took four hours.
27.
FRANK
We’ll get right onto it, Tom.
They leave. FRANK scrunches up the printouts into a hall,
and throws it to DANNY, who heads it into the bin.
FRANK (cont’d)
We like to let them think they run
the place. Now, confession to make,
bit of a problem with your office.
ANGEL
Well sir, I like to think my office
is out on the street-
FRANK
Oh, you heard about that?
He nods to office furniture sat out front of the station.
FRANK (cont’d)
Had a bit of a leak last week.
FRANK opens a door to reveal a damp, bare tiny office.
FRANK (cont’d)
I know it’s not a great start on
the welcome front. They brought the
’Village Of The Year’ forward for
some reason and everyone’s gone a
bit mad getting ready for it. We’ll
get you behind your desk as soon as
the [U+FB02]oor’s dry.
FRANK shuts the door. They move back to the main
of[U+FB02]oe.
FRANK (cont’d)
And that’s that. Unless there’s
anything you’re unclear about?
ANGEL
There is sir. Why is everyone
eating chocolate cake?
FRANK
The Black Forest Gateaux is on
Danny. As punishment for his little
indiscretion.
ANGEL
I Wouldn’t call driving under the
influence a ’little indiscretion’,
(MORE)
28.
ANGEL (cont’d)
sir. Besides, where’s the
disciplinary value if Constable
Butterman gets to partake of the
Gateaux as well? He’s having his
cake and eating it. Literally.
FRANK
(chuckles)
The gateau is for misplaoing his
helmet the other week. Last night’s
incident will require something
much more serious.
ANGEL
Good.
FRANK
Do you like ice cream?
ANGEL
I’m sorry, I don’t follow sir.
FRANK
Let’s just say we won’t be short of
Chunky Monkey for the next month.
The officers cheer. ANGEL visibly sags.
FRANK (cont’d)
Well, since it’s your hrst day and
it’s half past eleven, I’d say
that’s lunch.
Another cheer from the assembled officers.
Ratings
Scene 9 - Pints and Past Tales
ANGEL is sat at a pub table with the other offieers (only
he wears a stab vest). DANNY brings pints to everyone but
ANGEL, who has a cranberry juice. SAXON laps at a bowl of
lager
FISHER
Sooooo, what made you choose
Sandford Sergeant Angel?
ANGEL
It wasn’t actually my choice.
29.
FISHER
Wasn’t your choice to come down
here and show me how to do my job.
Our jobs.
WALKER
Yooceetyboisefinkdeynobettarrr.
There’s a murmur of agreement. ANGEL is a little oonfused.
ANGEL
I can assure you it wasn’t my
intention to upset the apple cart.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, cos we all sell apples down
here, don’t we?
DANNY
Your Dad sells apples Andy.
CARTWRIGHT
And raspberries.
WAINWRIGHT
I bet you can’t wait to jump into
Sergeant Fopwell’s grave.
WAINWRIGHT swigs Guinness, the head collects on his lip.
ANGEL
I’m not jumping in anyone’s grave.
You have a moustache.
WAINWRIGHT
I know.
CARTWRIGHT
Why’ve you got your stab vest on?
ANGEL
It’s a requirement.
FISHER
In the city maybe. No-one’s going
to stab you in here sergeant, not a
member of the public anyhow.
ANGEL
Have you ever been stabbed Sergeant
Fisher?
30.
FISHER
No.
ANGEL
I have. And I can assure you it’s
not the slightest bit amusing.
DANNY’s ears prick up, he looks to ANGEL with awe.
DANNY
Have you seen a lot of action
Sergeant Angel?
ANGEL
I’ve experienced my fair share,
yes.
WAINWRIGHT
Little bird tells me you were part
of an armed response unit.
ANGEL
What little bird would that be?
CARTWRIGHT
Andy googled you.
DORIS THATCHER
I wish someone would google me.
DANNY
Were you part of an armed response
unit?
ANGEL
Yes, for two years. grave.
DANNY
Did you cook any fools?
ANGEL
Excuse me?
DANNY
Did you shoot anybody?
CARTWRIGHT
Shot someone? He killed someone.
DANNY
No way, that’s amazing.
31.
ANGEL
It was not amazing, it was
extremely regrettable, but the
situation left me with no choice.
DANNY
Who did you shoot?
WAINWRIGHT
He shot a crack-head with a
Kalashnikov.
DANNY
Wow. Where d’you get that? .
ANGEL
The offender had the Kalashnikov.
DANNY
Wow. Where’d he get that?
WAINWRIGHT
You do know there are more guns in
the country than in the city?
CARTWRIGHT
Everyone and their mum’s packing
round here.
ANGEL
Really, like who?
CARTNRIGHT nods to a tall, ruddy, farmer at the bar.
CARTWRIGHT
Farmers.
ANGEL
Anyone else?
CARTWRIGHT
Farmer’s mums.
DANNY pulls his chair closer to the bemused ANGEL.
DANNY
What’s it like being stabbed?
ANGEL
It was the single most painful
experience of my life.
32.
DANNY
Wow. What’s the second most
painful?
Ratings
Scene 10 - A Humorous Introduction
A glum ANGEL sits at his desk. Two men manoeuvre a filing
cabinet into the office. A man appears from under his desk,
placing a phone in front of him. It rings. ANGEL answers.
FRANK (O.S.)
Everything alright?
ANGEL
Actually sir-
INT. FRANK’S OFFICE - SECONDS LATER
ANGEL
-there is something I want to talk
to you about.
FRANK
Oh yes?
ANGEL
I’m a little concerned that my
appointment here may be causing
resentment within the division.
FRANK
Oh really? So what do you suggest?
INT. STATION " SOME MORE SECONDS LATER.
ANGEL steps out of Frank’s office. He gets the attention of
the assembled officers. They stop eating their cake.
ANGEL
Excuse me everyone. If you could
put your gateau down for a sec. In
order to maximise my integration
here at Sandford, I’ve asked the
Inspector to permit me a more grass
roots introduction.
DORIS THATCHER
Root. Ha ha.
33.
ANGEL
I’m hoping that getting out on the
beat and familiarising myself with
the area in this way, might dispel
any concerns about my suitabilty.
Thank you.
There’s a vague affirmative murmur from the other officers.
ANGEL
Basically, I’d just like to be
treated like any other officer at
this station.
ANGEL turns his back. A WASTE PAPER BASKET hits him hard on
the head. The officers snigger.
ANGEL
That could have actually really
hurt someone. But... thank you.
ANGEL re-enters FRANK’s office. FRANK looks concerned.
FRANK
You sure about this?
ANGEL
Yes sir.
FRANK
Well, I suppose, we should get you
out there with someone who really
knows what’s what. And I think I
have just the man...DANNY!
Ratings
Scene 11 - Village Encounters: Apples and Action Movies
A glum cap wearing ANGEL and chirpy helmet wearing DANNY,
walk the streets. Village folk greet them with ’Afternoon’.
DANNY
Have you ever fired two guns whilst
jumping through the air?
ANGEL
Afternoon. No.
DANNY
Have you ever fired one gun whilst
jumping through the air?
34.
ANGEL
Afternoon. No.
DANNY
Have you ever been in a high speed
pursuit?
ANGEL
Afternoon. Yes.
DANNY
Have you ever fired a gun whilst in
a high speed pursuit?
ANGEL
Afternoon. No.
INT. NEWSAGENT - DAY
A sign reads ’ONLY ONE SCHOOL CHILD AT ANY TIME’. ANGEL
waits as DANNY buys a pasty from a FEMALE NEWSAGENT. A
walkie talkie crackles to life on the counter.
RADIO VOICE
Annette, that new policeman is
coming into your shop.
EXT/INT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY sit in the parked squad car; ANGEL is on the
radio, watching with disdain as DANNY retrieves ketchup
sachets from his top pocket and squirts them onto a pasty.
ANGEL
Oscar four zero, over.
RADIO VOICE
Oscar four zero go ahead, over.
ANGEL
Just checking...
EXT. HIGH STREET - EVENING
ANGEL and DANNY walk the quiet streets again.
DANNY
What about Dirty Harry?
35.
ANGEL
Evening. No.
DANNY
Lethal Weapon.
ANGEL
Evening. No.
DANNY
You’ve seen Die Hard though?
ANGEL
Evening. No.
DANNY
Bad Boys 2?
ANGEL
Evening. No.
DANNY
You haven’t seen Bad Boys 2??
INT. LOCKER ROOM - EVENING
ANGEL and a pumped DANNY change out of their uniforms.
DANNY
Woof? Hell of a day.
ANGEL
Yep.
DANNY
Same again tomorrow?
ANGEL
Yep.
ANGEL opens his locker. Hundreds of apples tumble out.
Inside a note reads ’WELCOME SERGEANT’.
DANNY
That weren’t me.
The other officers appear, sniggering; the ANDES, FISHER and
THATCHER, who is in her bra. We hear a round of applause.
36.
INT. SWAN HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM - EVENING
The applause continues over a sign reading ’N.W.A - 7pm’.
TOM WEAVER introduces ANGEL to a large group of Village
folk, including JOYCE COOPER and the PORTERS. FRANK is also
present, as is a snoring BERNARD. WEAVER introduces the
BOOKISH CYCLIST glimpsed that morning.
WEAVER
This is Amanda Paver, headmistress
of Sandford Primary. And Simon
Skinner I believe you’ve met.
SIMON SKINNER
Oh we’re already firm friends.
SIMON SKINNER beams at ANGEL, who is a little unnerved. A
middle aged woman fusses over a [U+FB02]oral display reading
’WELCOME SERGEANT’.
WEAVER
And this is Leslie Tiller, our
local [U+FB02]oral wiz. Her
horticultural contributions have
helped put Sandford on the map. She
prepared this especially for you.
JOYCE COOPER
She’s ever so good.
WEAVER
James Reaper, who owns Brannigan
Farm.
WEAVER introduces the tall, ruddy, farmer from the bar.
REAPER
I hear you’re quite the marksman.
Perhaps you might like to join us
for a shoot one day.
ANGEL
I haven’t held a firearm for over
two years Mr. Reaper and I’m more
than happy to keep it that way.
REAPER
You will be popular with the local
birds.
A ripple of polite laughter as the group gather round and
sit at a large circular table. SKINNER stares at ANGEL,
grinning.
37.
REV. SHOOTER
Hello Nicholas. Reverend Shooter.
May I say how pleased we are to
have an Angel at our table.
(more laughter)
Actually I was hoping you might
read a homily at Sunday Service.
ANGEL
To be honest Reverend, that might
be a little hypocritical of me.
REV. SHOOTER
Oh, are we an atheist?
ANGEL
No, I’m open to the concept of
religion, I’m just not entirely
convinced.
REV. SHOOTER
You’re agnostic?
DR. HATCHER
I think I have a cream for that.
More laughter. WEAVER nods to a tweedy, bearded doctor.
WEAVER
And this is Robin Hatcher our
resident sawbones.
DR. HATCHER
Hopefully we won’t see too much of
each other over the coming months.
DR. HATCHER smiles at ANGEL. More laughter.
WEAVER
All that remains to say is, welcome
to the weekly meeting of the
Neighbourhood Watch Alliance.
READER
We’re basically a group of
volunteers who strive to keep the
village just so.
SHOOTER
We’re the community that cares.
38.
ANGEL
Well, it’s good to know we have the
support of the community.
HATCHER
Well, not the whole community.
SKINNER
We don’t let any old riff raff in.
A huge laugh. JOYCE COOPER brings the meeting to order.
JOYCE COOPER
Now, quick announcement before we
begin. Janet Barker has just given
birth to twins. Congratulations to
her, we’ll be keeping a keen eye on
them as they grow up. Tom?
WEAVER
Thanks Joyce. To business then.
WEAVER affects a deadly earnest tone of voice.
WEAVER (cont’d)
I’m sure many of you will have
noticed the return of a blight on
our streets, one which is all the
more disturbing as the ’Village Of
The Year’ contest looms. I speak of
course of the extremely irritating
Living Statue.
An image of the LIVING STATUE on an overhead projector.
There are mumbles of "irritating". ANGEL stifles a yawn.
FRANK smiles and pats him on the back.
Ratings
Scene 12 - The Missing Swan and Misunderstood Officer
ANGEL listens to the radio and waters his POT PLANT.
RADIO 4 ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Newly released Home Office
statistics show crime in the
capital soaring...
Later: A dejected ANGEL is on the phone. We hear the
recorded voice of the MET SERGEANT, from the first scene.
SERGEANT (V.O.)
I’m out of the office at present.
If it’s an emergency, call 9-9-9...
39.
Later: ANGEL lies awake on his bed. His [U+FB02]oral tribute
appears almost funereal against the wall.
ANGEL (V.O.)
Police work is as much about
preventing crime as it is about
fighting crime. Most importantly it
is about procedural correctness...
ANGEL
-in the execution of unquestionable
moral authority. Any questions?
We see ANGEL is talking to a group of young school kids.
DANNY sits cross legged with them. He puts his hand up.
DANNY
Is it true if you shot a man in a
particular spot on the head, you
can make it blow up?
Later: ANGEL and DANNY talk to headmistress AMANDA PAVER. A
wiry young reporter approaches with a camera.
TIM MESSENGER
Hi, Tim Messenger. Quick snap for
the Sandford Citizen?
Later: ANGEL poses awkwardly with the schoolkids.
TIM MESSENGER (cont’d)
How about if you put the teacher in
handcuffs?
ANGEL
I’m not sure that gives off the
right signals.
TIM MESSENGER
Give the little blond kid your hat?
ANGEL looks at a sweet BLOND HAIRED BOY next to him.
ANGEL
I’d rather not.
TIM MESSENGER
Wave your hitting stick about?
ANGEL
No.
40.
INT. SWAN HOTEL DINING ROOM - MORNING
FLASH. We see the newspaper article; ’SHORT ARM OE THE LAW:
TOP COP ANGLE TELLS IT TO THE KIDS’. ANGEL circles the typo
as he sits in a vast dining room. JOYCE approaches with tea.
JOYCE COOPER
Oh, can I have your autograph
please?
ANGEL laughs it off bashfully.
JOYCE COOPER (CONT’D)
I do need your signature for
breakfast.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING
ANGEL opens his locker. It is plastered with photocopies of
the article. The ’ANGLE’ typo is underlined in red.
INT. STATION - MORNING
ANGEL makes his way to his office. Sniggering officers greet
him with ’Sergeant Angle’, including the now straight haired
DESK SERGEANT.
DESK SERGEANT
Morning Angle.
FISHER
Morning Angle.
DORIS THATCHER
Morning Angle.
WAINWRIGHT CARTWRIGHT
Morning Angle. Morning Angle.
WALKER
Murrrnangul.
ANGEL
I presume you just called me Angle.
WALKER
Arrr.
ANGEL feigns good humour but looks irritated. His phone
rings. He picks up.
41.
ANGEL
Sergeant Angel?... The swan has
escaped?...And where exactly has
the swan escaped from? And who
might you be? Mr. Staker. Mr. P. I.
Staker? Piss taker?
ANGEL looks around at his fellow officers to see who is on
the other end of the phone. He realises that no-one is.
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY talk to an OLD MAN IN A CAR by a moat.
ANGEL
Yes Mr. Staker, we’ll do everything
we can to get her back. Can you
describe her?
MR. STAKER
Two foot tall. Long slender neck.
ANGEL
Go on.
MR. STAKER
Orange and black bill.
ANGEL
Anything else?
MR. STAKER
She’s a swan.
EXT. PARK - DUSK
DANNY and ANGEL close in on a swan which waddles through a
park. However it evades them every time they draw near.
INT. NEWSAGENT - DAY
DANNY buys a Cornetto from a smirking ANNETTE ROPER. ANGEL
stands nearby, whilst looking elsewhere.
ANNETTE ROPER
No luck catching them swans then?
DANNY
It’s just the one swan actually.
42.
EXT. SQUAD CAR/SANDFORD SQUARE - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY sit in their usual parking space. Sandford
life drifts by. The LIVING STATUE is also present.
DANNY
You want anything from the shop?
ANGEL
You’ve just been to the shop.
DANNY
I was thinking of a different shop.
ANGEL
Constable Butterman, this is not
the time for personal errands.
DANNY
Well, there’s nothing going on.
ANGEL
There’s always something going on.
Look around you, what do you see?
DANNY
People...cars...that gold bloke...
the swan.
ANGEL
Where?
DANNY
Ha ha?
ANGEL
I’m serious. You have to look
closer. What about him in the big
coat?
ANGEL nods to an ANCIENT MAN in a heavy winter overcoat.
DANNY
Mr. Treacher?
ANGEL
Well why is Mr. Treacher wearing
that big coat? He can’t be cold.
Why the extra layer? He might be
hiding something...
43.
DANNY
But that’s Mr. Treacher.
ANGEL
Okay, what about him?
ANGEL nods over to a man in a PURPLE SHELL SUIT with his cap
pulled down low over his face.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Ask yourself why he has his hat
pulled down like that.
DANNY
He’s fuck ugly?
ANGEL
Or he doesn’t want you to see his
face.
DANNY
Because he’s fuck ugly.
Changing tack, ANGEL nods to a HULKING MAN, clad in denim.
ANGEL
Alright. Well, what’s his story?
DANNY
That’s Lurch.
ANGEL
Go on.
DANNY
He’s the trolley boy at the
supermarket.
ANGEL
Good.
DANNY
Real name, Michael Armstrong.
ANGEL
Okay.
DANNY
Dad says he’s got a child’s mind.
ANGEL
Uh huh.
44.
DANNY
Lives up Summer Street with his mum
and his sister.
ANGEL
Are they as big as him?
DANNY
Who?
ANGEL
The mum and the sister.
DANNY
Same person.
ANGEL
Which shop were you thinking of?
Ratings
Scene 13 - Suspicion in Aisle Five
As DANNY delves in a video bargain bin full of action films,
ANGEL loiters in organic produce. He spots two GRUFF LOOKING
BUTCHERS behind a meat counter. They nod ’hello’.
FEMALE VOICE (TANNOY)
Sergeant Angel to the manager’s
ofifice. Managers ofifice. Sergeant
Angel.
INT. MANAGERS OFFICE - DAY
ANGEL strides into an office where SIMON SKINNER reads the
’Top Cop’ story in the SANDFORD CITIZEN. A slutty CHECKOUT
GIRL lounges beside him. One wall is lined with sketches of
a drive thru supermarket, the other with security monitors.
A ’fun running’ trophy sits conspicuously on the shelf.
SKINNER
Ah, Sergeant Angel. Or is it Angle?
CHECKOUT GIRL
Mr. Skinner, a baby’s sicked up in
aisle six.
SKINNER
Please excuse me. Michael?
The now uniformed LURCH lumbers past the doorway.
45.
LURCH
Yarp.
SKINNER
Child vomit. Aisle six. Mop it up.
LURCH
Yarp.
ANGEL
Is there a problem, Mr Skinner?
SKINNER
No, I just wanted to say how lovely
it is to see you supporting your
local store.
ANGEL
That’s quite alright.
SKINNER
All too many have defected to the
big Safeway in Buford Abbey and may
their heads be struck from their
shoulders for such disloyalty.
ANGEL
Yes, well if you’d excuse me, Mr.
Skinner I am on duty.
SKINNER
Of course, I simply spied you
loitering in organic produce and
assumed you had time on your hands.
ANGEL
Well maybe there’s someone else you
should be keeping an eye on.
SKINNER turns to leak at the CCTV. On one screen we see a
small, well dressed man climbing out of a Range Rover.
SKINNER
That’s the Fridge Magnate.
ANGEL
The Fridge Magnet?
SKINNER
Name’s George Merchant. Made a
fortune in kitchen goods. Built
that monstrosity on Norris Avenue.
He’ll validate his parking with a
(MORE)
46.
SKINNER (cont’d)
paltry Snickers and scurry off to
his solicitor’s office all
afternoon. I swear I’ll have the
boys tow him away.
ANGEL
Actually I wasn’t talking about
him.
SKINNER
Oh?
ANGEL
I was talking about him.
ANGEL paints to a different screen. We see a SHOPPER rather
obviously stuffing biscuits into his trousers.
SKINNER
Ah.
ANGEL
Excuse me.
Ratings
Scene 14 - The Great Supermarket Chase
ANGEL strides straight up to the shopper. It is THE MAN IN
THE PURPLE SHELL SUIT from the square.
ANGEL
Excuse me.
The SHOPLIFTER freezes for a moment. Then scarpers.
DANNY reads the cover of Jackie Chan’s SUPERCOP when ANGEL
explodes into life, chasing the SHOPLIFTER down the aisle.
He throws the video back in the bin and fellows suit.
EXT. SUPERMARKET/HIGH STREET - DAY
The SHOPLIFTER bursts onto the street with ANGEL in hot
pursuit. The usual friendly greetings from folk are bestowed
on ANGEL as he sprints by. It sounds surreal.
They race past shopkeepers, who report into their radios.
They also pass the LIVING STATUE. He doesn’t budge.
The SHOPLIFTER avoids being hit by REAPER’s 4x4. ANGEL
vaults ever the bonnet. The shoplifter runs into an alley.
ANGEL fellows, but comes to a stop at the alley entrance.
47.
ANGEL
Oh, you mothers.
Several YOUNG MOTHERS with push chairs clog up the alley.
DANNY catches up with ANGEL. He’s very out of breath.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Let’s cut through here.
DANNY
Through the gardens?
ANGEL
What’s the matter? You never taken
a short cut before?
ANGEL leaps over a garden fence, then the next one, then the
next. It’s an amazing acrobatic feat. DANNY gasps and
follows ANGEL, but trips and crashes through the fence.
ANGEL lands back in the alley, when suddenly he spots-
The SWAN. Waddling past the mouth of the alley. ANGEL is
torn for a split second, then resumes the SHOPLIFTER chase.
ANGEL runs into the HOODIES, spraying a graffiti tag reading
’G’ on a wall. Upon seeing ANGEL, the HOODIES immediately
scatter like roaches, dropping their spray cans on the
[U+FB02]oor.
ANGEL scoops up the spray can and hurls it through the air.
It hits the SHOPLIFTER on the head. He crashes to the
[U+FB02]oor hard. ANGEL picks the SHOPLIFTER up. DANNY
approaches.
ANGEL (cont’d)
You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence if you
do not mention when questioned
something which you later rely on
in court. Anything you do say may
be given in evidence.
SHOPLIFTER
Alright Danny.
DANNY
Alright Pete.
ANGEL
Do you know this man?
48.
DANNY
Yeah, he’s Auntie Jackie’s sister’s
brother’s boy.
ANGEL
And it didn’t occur to you to
mention this before?
DANNY
I couldn’t see his face could I?
I’m not made of eyes!
Ratings
Scene 15 - A Biscuit Heist and a Speeding Solicitor
We see FLASHCUTS of PETER COCKER being processed; mugshot,
prints. ANGEL fills out arrest paperwork. FISHER ambles
over.
SGT. FISHER
Impressive collar. Shame Mr Skinner
doesn’t want to press charges.
ANGEL
What do you mean he doesn’t want to
press charges??
SIMON SKINNER (O.S.)
I’m simply suggesting Peter be
given a second chance-
ANGEL turns to see SKINNER distributing the stolen biscuits
to officers, including a curly-haired DESK SERGEANT.
SKINNER
-before he becomes just another
crime statistic. I’m sure he’s
learnt a valuable lesson.
FISHER
Stealing biscuits is...wrong?
SKINNER
(offers Fisher a biscuit)
Correct.
FISHER
Ooh thanks.
ANGEL
And yet we respond by not taking a
single punitive measure?
49.
SKINNER
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
FISHER
Heh heh. Like biscuits innit?
ANGEL
Mr. Skinner-
FRANK (O.S.}
Everything alright?
ANGEL turns to see FRANK at the doorway, eating ice cream.
ANGEL
Mr. Skinner feels it would be best
if we didn’t prosecute an
individual who has blatantly
committed an offence.
FRANK
Leave this with me boys. I’ll make
sure everyone gets their just
desserts.
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR IN LAYBY - DAY
ANGEL sits with a speed gun recording passing cars, DANNY
has his feet up and is eating some of the stolen biscuits.
Behind is a sign reading ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’.
ANGEL
27. Why are we on traffic?
DANNY
Dad’s probably giving us a rest
after all that jumping over fences.
ANGEL
I don’t need a rest.
DANNY
There’s an amazing bit in ’Point
Break’ where they jump over fences.
ANGEL
Is there now? 28.
DANNY
Yeah, Patrick Swayze’s robbed this
bank and Keanu Reeves chases him
through people’s gardens and then
(MORE)
50.
DANNY (cont’d)
Keanu lands really badly and breaks
his leg off and he’s like
’aaaargh’-
ANGEL
30.
DANNY
"and then he goes to shoot Swayze,
but he can’t cause he loves him so
much and he fires up in the air and
he’s going ’aaaargh’-.
ANGEL
30.
DANNY
Have you ever fired your gun up in
the air and gone ’aaaarh’.
ANGEL
No, Constable I have never fired my
gun up in the air and gone
’aaaargh’. 30.
DANNY
Sorry, I just feel... I just feel
like I’m missing out sometimes. I
want to do what you do.
ANGEL
You do, do what I do. What on Earth
do you think you’re missing out on?
DANNY
I don’t know. Gun fights. Car
chases. Proper action and shit .
ANGEL
Proper policing isn’t about
action... or shit.
DANNY
Yeah but you got to fire a gun. How
come we don’t all have guns?
ANGEL
Arming the entire British Police
Service would not necessarily lower
the rate of crime. Guns aren’t toys
Constable. Opening fire on another
human being is a difficult and
(MORE)
51.
ANGEL (cont’d)
dizzying experience. 29. If you’d
paid attention to me in school,
you’d know it’s not all about guns
fights and car chases.
A MEGANE speeds past them. DANNY and ANGEL exchange a look.
ANGEL (CONT’D}
Fire up the roof.
DANNY
Yeah?...Where is it?
ANGEL [U+FB02]icks the siren on. They peel out at speed. The
MEGANE pulls over, ending the chase before it begins.
DANNY (cont’d)
That was brilliant.
They walk over to the MEGANE. The smartly dressed DRIVER
winds down his window. ANGEL can see a NERVOUS YOUNG WOMAN
in the passenger seat. The DRIVER hands over his license.
BLOWER
Was I going a tad fast, officer?
ANGEL
Yes, you were Mr. Blower.
ANGEL starts speedily scribbling in his notebook.
BLOWER
We’re staging a homage to Baz
Luhrmann’s, William Shakespeare’s
Romeo and Juliet tonight and I’m a
little late for the dress
rehearsal. I’m playing the
eponymous hero you see. Romeo not
Juliet.
(nervous chuckle)
What are you writing?
ANGEL
Everything you say so I can refer
to it later.
BLOWER
Now officer, I am a respected
solicitor, there’s no need to-
ANGEL continues to write. DANNY watches this with interest.
52.
BLOWER (CONT’D}
Stop writing. I was merely trying
to explain why I might have
exceeded the speed limit-
ANGEL
You’re playing the male lead in a
production of Bar Luhrmann’s,
William Shakespeare’s Romeo and
Juliet and you’re late for the
dress rehearsal. You think this is
sufficient reason to travel at 48
in a 30 zone?
BLOWER
Well, I-
ANGEL
To [U+FB02]out laws put in place to
save lives.
BLOWER
This is preposterous.
ANGEL
...pre-post-er-ous.
BLOWER
I’ve never been...stop writing?
ANGEL
...St-op wri-ting.
BLOWER
Look...you’re right, I apologise.
ANGEL hands him a ticket.
ANGEL
Payable in fourteen days.
ANGEL and DANNY get back into their CAR.
ANGEL (cont’d)
You see what I did there?
DANNY
You hypnotised him.
ANGEL waves his pocket book in DANNY’s face.
53.
ANGEL
I used this? The most important
piece of police hardware. This has
saved my skin on many occasions.
Think about using yours more often.
DANNY
I do use mine.
DANNY produces his pocketbook. ANGEL [U+FB02]ips through the
pages. We see a [U+FB02]ick-illustration of cops shooting
someone dead with red ink for blood. ANGEL shakes his head.
ANGEL
This is just extraordinary.
DANNY
Wait til you see the one on the
other side.
Ratings
Scene 16 - The Unwanted Invitation
ANGEL and DANNY stride out of the station in their civvies.
DANNY
What are you up to tonight?
ANGEL
I have to water my peace lily.
DANNY
Oh okay.
ANGEL
Why?
DANNY
I just thought you might want to do
something.
ANGEL
What exactly were you thinking?
DANNY
Pub?
ANGEL
I don’t think that’s a good idea,
do you?
ANGEL glares at DANNY. The now straight haired DESK SERGEANT
calls after him.
54.
DESK SERGEANT
Oi, you two. A Mr. Blower left you
tickets for Romeo and Juliet
tonight. Said it was by way of an
apology.
DANNY
Yeah?
ANGEL
Well, we can’t accept gifts from
someone we’ve of[U+FB02]cially
rebuked.
DANNY
Yeah.
ANGEL calmly rips up both tickets in front of a deflated
DANNY. ANGEL makes to leave again, just as FRANK enters.
FRANK
Ah Nicholas. Glad I caught you.
Wondered if you wouldn’t mind
representing us at the am dram
tonight. I’m otherwise engaged and
it’d be good to have a show of
faith from the constabulary.
ANGEL
Of course, sir.
FRANK
And there’s a spare for Danny too.
DANNY
Yeah?
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
ANGEL’s expression is one of abject horror, Danny is asleep.
On stage, BLOWER in cod Bar Luhrmann, Romeo gear, complete
with suit of armour, [U+FB02]oppy fringe and revolver, leans
over EVE DRAPERS’s Juliet, who lies in state on a prop
alter. He uncaps a large bottle of poison, marked with a
skull and cross bones and holds it aloft.
BLOWER (ROMEO)
A dateless bargain to engrossing
death. Here’s to my love.
55.
He drinks the poison, just as JULIET awakes with an
exaggerated yawn. ROMEO and JULIET look at each other in
horror.
EVE DRAPER (JULIET)
Poison? Drunk all and not one drop
to help me after? I’ll kiss thy
lips. Happly some poison doth yet
hang on them.
They kiss. With tongues. It goes on far too long. ROMEO goes
limp. JULIET picks up his gun and shoots herself with a
click. The stage goes to black.
The lights come up again to reveal the whole cast performing
a ’Knees Up Mother Brown’ version of The Cardigan’s ’Love
Fool’.
The audience applaud. A relieved ANGEL joins in, DANNY wakes
up. On stage the cast take their bows. LESLIE TILLER walks
on stage with a bouquet of [U+FB02]owers.
JOYCE COOPER
(from behind Angel)
She’s ever so good.
INT. THEATRE BAR - LATER
In the packed bar, DANNY downs a pint and ANGEL downs a
cranberry juice. A beaming TIM MESSENGER sidles over.
MESSENGER
Sergeant Angel, quick word for the
Sandford Citizen?
ANGEL
It was very...enjoyable.
MESSENGER
"Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers?"
ANGEL
I don’t think so.
MESSENGER
"Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up To
Teen Suicide?"
ANGEL
That’s grossly inappropriate.
56.
SKINNER
You will spell his name correctly
this time, won’t you Timothy?
SKINNER swoops in and leads ANGEL away from MESSENGER.
SKINNER (cont’d)
Absolute tosh wasn’t it?
Annoyingly, the understudies are
actually professional actors. Greg
was an extra in Straw Dogs and
Sheree portrayed a cadaver in Prime
Suspect-
SKINNER nods to an OLDER COURLE who wave back at him. A
still made up MARTIN BLOWER and his FEMALE LEAD rush over.
BLOWER
Sergeant Angel, you came? I am so
thrilled you accepted my
invitation.
ANGEL
Our Inspector requested we attend.
DANNY
Yes, we can’t accept gifts from
someone we’ve officially rebuked
so...
(blows raspberry)
...jog on.
ANGEL
Well, congratulations anyway to you
and Mrs. Blower.
BLOWER
Oh, this isn’t my wife.
SKINNER
Yes, where is Edna, Martin?
BLOWER
She’s at home with the dogs. This
is Miss Draper, my leading lady.
SKINNER
Isn’t she just? Eve works for the
council, Sergeant. Quite the lady
in the know.
EVE DRAPER snorts an alarmingly high pitched laugh.
57.
EVE
Oh I am not.
SKINNER
Nonsense. I’m sure if we bashed
your head in, all sorts of secrets
would come tumbling out.
EVE lets out another snort. GEORGE MERCHANT approaches.
MERCHANT
Romeo, Romeo, a pint of bitter for
Romeo?
BLOWER
Yes please George and thank you for
coming!
MERCHANT
A pleasure my liege.
ANGEL spots the BLONDE SCHOOLKID from his school talk, in
the other room, sipping Coke and staring at him.
DANNY
Eve’s nice ain’t she?
ANGEL
She has a... distinctive laugh.
DANNY
She was in my year at school.
Always had a thing for her.
ANGEL
Well, she obviously has a thing for
older men.
DANNY
What with Blower?! No way!
ANGEL
We just sat through three hours of
so-called acting tonight Constable,
their kiss was the only convincing
moment in it.
DANNY
Now you mention it, I too have
reason to believe she favours the
older gent.
58.
ANGEL
Really? How so?
DANNY
Marcus Carter’s big brother said he
fingered her up the duck pond.
ANGEL spits out his cranberry juice.
Ratings
Scene 17 - A Night of Celebration Turns Deadly
Theatregoers spill out onto the street as BLOWER closes up.
BLOWER
Officers, again let me extend my
sincere apologies for earlier.
ANGEL
Good night Mr. Blower. Drive safe.
ANGEL and DANNY turn away and walk home. DANNY chuckles.
DANNY
"Drive safe". You got him then.
(pause)
You know that’s the bloke we done
for speeding earlier.
ANGEL
I know and hopefully that’s the
last we’ll see of him.
ANGEL smiles. Be and DANNY walk off, revealing-
A FIGURE swathed in a BLACK CLOAK. We cannot see its face.
It darts into the alley behind the Playhouse building!
In FLASHCUTS we see an axe blade glint...a door pane
smash...a gloved hand finds the door handle...
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MARTIN BLOWER rips the foil from a bottle of champagne.
There’s a knock at the door. BLOWER coos back.
BLOWER
Who is it?
The door opens...It’s EVE DRAPER...BLOWER grins...
59.
BLOWER (cont’d)
We haven’t got long.
EVE grins...A champagne cork pops...Bubbly foams...
EVE
To us?
There’s another knock at the door. BLOWER shouts, worried.
BLOWER
Who is it?
BLOWER INCHES THE DOOR 0PEN...AN AXE SMASHES DOWN INTO
BLOWER’S NECK...THE CHAMPAGNE DROPS...EVE SCREAMS...
INT. SWAN HOTEL BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
A call button [U+FB02]ashes red in the darkness...ANGEL picks
up.
ANGEL
Decaffeinated?
EXT. LAYBY - MORNING
TWO DECAPITATED HEADS lie surrounded by pieces of metal.
FISHER
Little Brian Libby found them, out
on his paper round. He’ll be having
nightmares for a while.
FISHER addresses ANGEL, DANNY, THATCHER and WALKER. Behind
is a blood splattered ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’ sign.
FISHER (cont’d)
Must have hit the sign at some
speed. Took the whole top off.
DORIS THATCHER
I’ve had my top off in this layby.
FISHER points to where BLOWER’s MEGANE has come to a violent
stop. The top half of the car has been shaved off.
FISHER
Most likely lost control, left the
road here and ended up there...
Soooo, what do you think we should
do? Sergeant Angel?
60.
ANGEL
We should cordon off the area,
screen the remains from public view
and close off the road until the
ambulance arrives, whereupon we
should open a single lane of
traffic to ease congestion.
FISHER
Very good. What he said.
FLASHCUTS; a cordon unfurled, tents erected, cones set out.
ANGEL and DANNY wave on the morning traffic past the crash
site. JAMES REAPER leans out of his 4X4.
REAPER
What’s happened Danny?
DANNY
Car accident.
REAPER
Nasty way to go.
ANGEL WAINWRIGHT
Constable, official Vocab states
such incidents are now referred to
as ’collisions’, not ’car
accidents’ -
A RED MG slows to a stop. SKINNER leans out of the window.
SKINNER
For never was there a story of more
woe. Than this of Juliet and her
Romeo.
ANGEL
I’m sorry?
SKINNER
Martin and Eve. Such a tragedy.
SKINNER goes to pull off. ANGEL stands in front of his ear.
ANGEL
Mr Skinner, could you tell me how
you knew the identity of the
persons involved?
61.
SKINNER
Of course. When I didn’t get my
Citizen delivered this morning, I
rang Annette Roper to enquire after
young Brian. You know how it is,
news travels fast.
SKINNER pulls away fast. ANGEL watches his MG go and makes a
note of the personalised numberplate ’SS1’. Behind AMANDA
PAVER pulls up on her bicycle and talks to DANNY.
AMANDA PAVER
What’s happened, Danny?
DANNY
A traffic collision...Why can’t we
say ’accident’ again?
ANGEL
Because ’accident’ implies there’s
no one to blame.
Ratings
Scene 18 - Dismissed Theories and New Assignments
WAINWRIGHT
What about him? Oh, put a sock in
it town mouse!
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, you want to be a big cop in a
small town, bugger off up the model
village.
The ANDES sit in their office eating ice-cream. DANNY enters
with another bowl, which ANGEL declines.
ANGEL
I’m just saying, things aren’t
always simple as they look.
WAINWRIGHT
But most times they are. Let’s wait
until Er. Hatchet comes back with
something, before you go jumping
the Kalashnikov.
ANGEL
Well, in the meantime, why not
start by checking out some of
Martin Blower’s clients?
62.
WAINWRIGHT
Martin Blower represents damn near
most of the village. You want us to
go through the whole phone book?
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, we’ll put a call into Aaron
A. Aarronson shall we?
ANGEL
Please don’t be childish. At least
think about interviewing the widow?
Mr Blower was clearly having
an affair with Eve Draper.
WAINWRIGHT
And how did you establish that?
DANNY slams his [U+FB02]st on the table. ANGEL jumps.
DANNY
We sat through three hours of
so-called acting last night. The
kiss was the only convincing moment
in it.
DANNY [U+FB02]ashes a grin at a bemused ANGEL.
WAINWRIGHT
Alright, pipe down.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, what else you got, Tango and
Hutch?
ANGEL
Simon Skinner.
WAINWRIGHT
What about him?
ANGEL
He was acting suspiciously at the
collision scene.
CARTWRIGHT
He runs the local supermarket.
WAINWRIGHT
Anything else?
63.
ANGEL
Skid marks.
WAINWRIGHT
Now who’s being childish?
ANGEL
There were no skid marks at the
scene. Don’t you think it’s a
little strange that Mr. Blower
would lose control of the car and
not think to apply his brakes?
For the [U+FB02]rst time, the ANDES do not have an answer.
ANGEL (cont’d)
If there are no skid marks it
follows that for three hundred
yards the driver and the passenger
made no attempt to prevent their
fate. You don’t have to be a
detective to work that out.
DANNY
Yeah!
FRANK pops into the office. He’s also eating ice cream.
FRANK
You causing trouble?
ANGEL
I was talking to the ’detectives’
about the ’accident’.
DANNY
’Yeah’.
FRANK
Dreadful business. You free?
WAINWRIGHT & CARTWRIGHT
Yes they are.
FRANK
Good. Got a spot of bother up at
Ellroy Farm. Old Arthur Webley’s
been clipping hedgerows that don’t
belong to him.
ANGEL
Yes sir?
64.
FRANK
That’s it.
ANGEL
Yes sir.
WAINWRIGHT
You wanted grass roots.
Ratings
Scene 19 - Misunderstandings and Mayhem
DANNY drives a pissed off ANGEL up a dirt road. P.C. BOB
WALKER is in the back. SAXON drools on ANGELS shoulder.
ANGEL
Why do We used the dog?
DANNY
It’s not the dog we need.
EXT. FARMHQUSE - DAY
A White haired Did farmer, ARTHUR WEBLEY stands at his door
with a shotgun broken over his arm.
WEBLEY
Hedgizuhedgeinnit. loonlychopped
etdowwnoozicoutn’tseethe View
nomore. Wasshemoaninabout?
ANGEL
Right.
(to Danny and Walker)
What did he say?
PC WALKER
Eessad. A hedgeisahedge innit. Nee
onlychoppedet dowwn cozee cun’t see
t’voo nomore. Whas he moanin’
about?
ANGEL
Right.
(to Danny)
What did he say?
DANNY
He said a hedge is a hedge. He only
chopped it down because it spoilt
his view. What’s Reaper moaning
about?
65.
ANGEL
Right. That’s not the point Mr.
Webley.
WEBLEY
Whystoyalwaspiokinawnmeanywaiz.
Iznotthewanrunninabowtallhowersofthenight.
Themhloodyoods.
PC WALKER
Eesad. Why you pickin onhem. Ees
nart the wan runnnin abowt all
hours like them bloody hoods.
ANGEL
Them bloody who?
DANNY
Hoods.
ANGEL
What does he mean by that?
DANNY
Probably them kids.
ANGEL
Mr. Webley, I appreciate your
position but you can’t go around
cutting down other people’s hedges
without permission.
WEBLEY
Yarghspose.
PC WALKER
’Yargh he suppose’.
DANNY
’Yeah I suppose’.
ANGEL
Thank you .
DANNY/WALKER/WEBLEY
S’alroight.
ANGEL
(points at shotgun)
Oh and Mr. Webley, I trust you have
a license for that?
66.
WEBLEY
Oharrghldozfortheesun.
PC WALKER
’Idoes for theesun’.
DANNY
He does for this one.
ANGEL
What do you mean by ’this one’?
ANGEL and DANNY peer in as WEBLEY opens the door to a huge
outbuilding. The daylight illuminates...an enormous arsenal
of antique firearms; RIFLES, SHOTGUNS, PISTOLS,
BLUNDERBUSSES. It’s a museum of firepower.
DANNY
By the power of Grey Skull!
ANGEL
Where on Earth did you get these?
WEBLEY DANNY
Foundum. Found ’em.
ANGEL (cont’d)
And what is that?
ANGEL points to an enormous spiky sphere in the corner.
DANNY WEBLEY
Sea mine. Seemoine.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Well Mr. Webley, this is an
extremely dangerous collection.
It’s a wonder nobody’s been hurt
before.
WEBLEY
Naaarrrgh. Iss jussaloodajunk.
WEBLEY strikes the SEA MINE with his walking stick. ANGEL
and DANNY’s faces go white. There is a resounding clang...
67.
Ratings
Scene 20 - A Day of Discovery and Revelry
ANGEL, DANNY and WEELEY come bursting out of the shed. They
run in heroic slow motion towards a nearby hedge. All three
dive over the hedge and land with an enormous crunch.
Seconds pass...Nothing...ANGEL and DANNY stand. They peer
over the hedge. More seconds pass... Nothing.
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR/FARM - DAY
ANGEL is sat in the squad car on the radio. Behind, WEBLEY
and DANNY stand with the sea mine.
ANGEL
Apparently it’s deactivated.
WEBLEY
(hits the seamine)
Thassroit. Deeaaktiyaded.
ANGEL
Yes, it’s not live.
DANNY
(kicks seamine)
Looks live.
INT. STATION - DAY
FLASHCUTS; ANGEL and DANNY march in with armfuls of guns,
the curly haired DESK SERGEANT tags them, the evidence room
is filled (with the SEA MINE is stored on a high shelf}.
ANGEL
That was a quite an impressive haul
today, Constable Butterman.
DANNY
Maybe we should do something to
celebrate...unless you have to
water your Peace Lily.
ANGEL
What are you thinking exactly?
68.
INT. THE CROWN " NIGHT
The pub is heaving with a huge cross section of people;
Neighbourhood Watch, off duty police, even FRANK.
MARY PORTER
Right you are my love.
ROY PORTER
Yes sir, what can I get you?
DANNY
Pint of lager, please Roy. And what
can I get you that isn’t a
cranberry juice?
ANGEL
I don’t really want to get drunk.
DANNY
You can get a little drunk.
ANGEL
Okay I’ll have one.
DANNY
That’s what I’m talking about!
ANGEL
What’s your wine selection?
RUY PORTER
Oh, we’ve got red...or white.
ANGEL
Pint of lager, please Roy.
DANNY
Yeaaaah Roy.
ANGEL spies the ANDES at the bar and wanders over.
ANGEL
Any developments from this morning?
WAINWRIGHT
Yeah, CSI found nothing, Dr.
Hatcher reported no misadventure,
Mrs. Blower has four alibis.
ANGEL
And Skinner?
69.
CARTWRIGHT
He runs the local supermarket.
FISHER
Come on Sergeant, it’s not your job
to investigate this incident is it?
Is it?
WAINWRIGHT AND CARTWRIGET
No it isn’t.
ANGEL and DANNY sit down. ANGEL scribbles in his notebook.
DANNY
You don’t switch off do you?
ANGEL
You sound like my ex.
DANNY
Why, did she have a deep voice?
ANGEL
No, she always used to accuse me of
not being able to switch off.
DANNY
Well you are always thinking away.
ANGEL
It’s what I do.
DANNY
No, no I think it’s amazing. I mean
what made you want to he a
policeman-
ANGEL
Officer-
DANNY
What made you want to be a
policeman-officer?
ANGEL
I can’t remember a time when I
didn’t want to he a police officer,
apart from the summer of 1979 when
I wanted to be Kermit The Frog. It
all started with my Uncle Derek. He
was a Sergeant in the Net. Gave me
a police pedal car when I was five.
I rode it around every moment I was
(MORE)
70.
ANGEL (cont’d)
awake, arresting kids twice my size
for littering and spitting. I got
beaten up a lot but it didn’t stop
me. I wanted to be like Uncle
Derek.
DANNY
Sounds like a good bloke.
ANGEL
Actually, he was jailed for selling
drugs to students.
DANNY
What a cunt.
ANGEL
He most likely bought the pedal car
with the proceeds. Needless to say
I never went near it again. I let
it rust. But I never forgot that
clear sense of right and wrong I
felt at the wheel of that pedal car
and I refused to accept that
corruption was the inevitable
consequence of authority. I had to
prove to myself that the law could
be proper and righteous and for the
good of humankind. I knew then, I
was destined to be a police
officer.
DANNY
Shame.
ANGEL
How so?
DANNY
I think you would’ve made a great
muppet.
ANGEL laughs. It’s the first time we have seen him do this.
ANGEL
So, what made you want to be a
police officer?
DANNY
Dad does it...I think after Mum
died, it’s what he wanted. Keep me
close by.
71.
ANGEL
Do you mind if I ask how she died?
DANNY
Traffic collision.
ANGEL
I’m sorry.
DANNY
Aw, don’t worry...watch this.
DANNY sticks a fork in his eye, scarlet squirts everywhere.
ANGEL
Jesus Christ?
DANNY
Ta-daaaa!
DANNY reveals a TOMATO KETCHUP sachet. ANGEL laughs.
DANNY (cont’d)
Get ’em in silly bollocks...
FLASH CUTS. The night wears on. The glasses on the table
multiply. DANNY and ANGEL are both tipsy and enjoy each
other’s company. DANNY beats ANGEL at bar skittles.
LATER. ANGEL finds his way to the bar. He sees a beaming
SIMON SKINNER sitting at the bar with another gentleman.
SKINNER
Ah, 777. Do join us. You’ve met
George Merchant haven’t you?
GEORGE MERCHANT is drunk and morose. ANGEL sits at the bar.
MRCHANT
Good evening offisher...
SKINNER
We were just talking about the
accident. Dreadful business.
MRCHANT
I’d come to know Martin and Eve
very well of late. Such a losssh.
SKINNER
What say we drink to their demise?
72.
ANGEL
Isn’t it drink to their memory?
SKINNER
Of course. Cheers.
GEORGE MERCHANT
I mussh go to the little boyssh
room.
MERCHANT gets off his stool. He is remarkably short.
SKINNER
Little being the operative word.
He’ll be in bits tomerrow.
SKINNER moves off. ANGEL watches him go, swivelling on his
stool. It’s a cool mement. Until ANGEL slips off his seat.
FRANK
Think somebedy needs to go home.
ANGEL
I’m not that drunk sir.
FRANK
Net yen. Him.
FRANK points to GEORGE MERCHANT who stands in the corner,
with his nob out, pissing into the coin tray of a fruit
machine.
Ratings
Scene 21 - Night Encounters
ANGEL and DANNY carry GEORGE MERCHANT along the street. He
is unconscious, his feet not touching the ground.
DANNY
Hey, we did get a little drunk.
Geddit? It’s funny ’cos he’s
little.
ANGEL spies the HOODIES huddled round a village map. He
gestures for DANNY te be quiet and sneaks ever.
ANGEL
Evening all.
The HOODIES spin around and freeze. A freshly sprayed
grefitti tag is en the village map. ANGEL holds out his
hand.
73.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Give it here.
A SPRAY CAN sails past ANGEL’s head and hits GEORGE MERCHANT
full in the face. He and DANNY fell to the [U+FB02]eor.
The HOODIES scatter. ANGEL steams over, grabbing HOODIE 1
and pulling him back into a neerby bin. ANGEL grabs HOODIE 2
and spins him round, pulling the hood off his face.
ANGEL finds himself face to face with the BLONDE SCHOOLKID.
HOODIE 1 meanwhile, clambers out of the bin and runs off.
A thrown ANGEL looks on, as the BLONDE SCHOOLKID [U+FB02]ips
his hood back up and runs off.
DANNY
Let em go. They’ll come round
again.
ANGEL and DANNY pick MERCHANT up and carry him eff.
ANGEL
We know where his house is right?
DANNY
Oh yes.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
DANNY stops, looking up at the monstreus piece ef
architecture.
ANGEL
Gcod grief.
DANNY
Six mohths ago, that was a pear
orcherd.
ANGEL
I want to threw up, but I fear it
may add value.
MERCHANT is suddenly awake. His eyes glazed.
MERCHANT
Jussst here. How much do I owe
youss?
74.
DANNY
Twenty quid.
MERCHANT gives DANNY £20 guid. ANGEL gives it back.
ANGEL
Thank you and here’s your change.
MERCHANT
Buh-bye.
MERCHANT disappears inside. ANGEL and DANNY walk away.
ANGEL
I wouldn’t want to be him in the
morning.
They walk out of shot, revealing...A CLOAKED FIGURE!
EXT. GEORGE NERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A light [U+FB02]icks on. We see GEORGE MERCHANT stumbling
around his hall. We also the CLOAKED FIGURE watching,
waiting...
EXT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
DANNY and ANGEL arrive at DANNY’s front door.
DANNY
Well, this is me.
ANGEL
I shall see you in the morning.
DANNY
Unless you wanna come in for a
coffee?
ANGEL
I don’t drink coffee.
DANNY
Tea?
ANGEL
No, no caffeine after midday.
DANNY
How about another beer?
75.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
A fridge opens...We see a number of bottled beers...
GEORGE MERCHANT grabs a beer and swigs it as he staggers to
the toilet. Outside the CLOAKED FIGURE watches.
MERCHANT put his beer on the cistern and has a piss...He
[U+FB02]ushes, zips up and retrieves his beer from the
cistern. As he stands back up, behind him we see...
The CLOAKED EIGUEE. Who strikes him with a cudgel. Bang!
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
ANGEL drops down onto DANNY’s sofa and surveys the untidy
room. DANNY appears to be living out of cardboard boxes.
ANGEL
When did you move in?
DANNY enters from the kitchen with two cans of beer.
DANNY
About five years ago.
ANGEL
You should get some pot plants.
DANNY
Oh yeah?
ANGEL
Yes, I’ve been tending my Peace
Lily for three years now. NASA
rates it as one of top ten air
cleaning plants. It oxygenates the
room, it helps me think, it
relieves stress. Its needs are
simple. Janine said I loved my Lily
more than her.
DANNY
Is that why you split up?
ANGEL
What?
DANNY
Cos’ you dunnit with a plant.
76.
ANGEL
No, it was more about being
obsessed with the job.
DANNY
But, that’s good though innit?
ANGEL
I don’t know, I did miss a few
dinners, parties, a birthday or
two-
DANNY
Well I mean-
ANGEL
-her dad’s funeral. I just want to
be good at what I do.
DANNY
You are good at what you do. You’ve
just got to learn to switch off
that big melon.
ANGEL
You know Danny, I don’t know how.
DANNY
I’ll show you how.
DANNY opens a cupboard that is stacked full of alphabetized
VHS tapes. It’s the most ordered area of the entire
[U+FB02]at.
ANGEL
By the power of Greyskull.
DANNY carefully selects two tapes.
DANNY
Point Break or Bad Boys 2?
ANGEL
Which one do you think I’ll prefer?
DANNY
No, I mean which one do you wanna
watch first?
ANGEL
You are pulling my leg?
77.
Ratings
Scene 22 - A Night of Contrasts
MERCHANT is dragged by his feet and dumped into a kitchen
chair...GLOVED HANDS empty beans into a pan... Bacon is
fried...Gas taps are turned on full...Gas hisses...
INT. DANNY’S HGUSE - NIGHT
Static hisses as the video [U+FB02]ickers to life.
DANNY
This film is A-MAZING!
ANGEL
So, what’s it actually about?
DANNY
An FBI agent who goes under cover
to infiltrate a gang of wild wave
riding, sky diving, bank robbers
but falls in love with the surfing
lifestyle and the leader’s
girlfriend and ends up having to
make some very tough choices.
ANGEL
So it’s based on a true story?
DANNY
Now that I don’t know.
ANGEL
No I just mean, it sounds a little
far fetched.
DANNY
Well, it’s a film innit?
INT. GEORGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Hiss...GLOVED HANDS light a candle in the living room.
Hiss...MEECHANT lies motionless in the chair....Hiss...
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
DANNY and ANGEL are on the sofa. ’Point Break’ ends.
DANNY
Whaddya think?
78.
ANGEL
Well, I won’t argue that it’s a no
holds barred, adrenaline fuelled
thrill ride but there’s no way you
could perpetrate that amount of
carnage and mayhem without
incurring a considerable amount of
paperwork.
DANNY
That’s nothing man. This is about
to go off!
EXT. GEDRGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - NIGHT
KA-BOOOOOOM. MERGHANT’s [U+FB02]aming body [U+FB02]ies through
the air.
INT. DANNY’S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING
DANNY’s head rests on ANGEL as they sleep on the sofa.
Daylight fills the room as ’Bad Boys 2’ blares from the TV.
MARTIN LAWRENCE
This shit just got real!
The phone rings. They open their eyes at the same time.
EXT. GEDRGE MERCHANT’S HOUSE - MORNING
DR. HATCHER
Nasty way to go.
The Sandford Police survey the smoking black husk of
Merchant’s house. His twisted and burnt cadaver is covered
up by DR. HATCHER. Paramedics carry him off on a gurney.
DR. HATCHER (CONT’D)
Seems Mr. Merchant tried to have a
little fry up and left the gas on.
They say you shouldn’t eat late at
night.
DORIS THATCHER
I dunno. I like a little midnight
gobble.
THATCHER and WALKER laugh at this. WALKER mumbles ’Cocks’.
79.
FISHER
So what do we reckon? Angel?
FISHER looks to a spectacularly groggy ANGEL and DANNY.
ANGEL
Yes?
FISHER
Help me.
ANGEL
We should set up a proper cordon,
keep people back, let the fire crew
finish and get the forensics to do
a thorough sweep.
FISHER
Right. What he said.
ANGEL spots a crew of workmen on the periphery, waiting to
clear the scene. TIM MESSENGER appears, notebook in hand.
MESSENGER
Sergeant, a guick word?
ANGEL
Mr. Messenger, please. A statement
will be issued shortly.
MSSENGER
Actually I just wanted to find out,
’What’s your perfect Sunday’?
FISHER
I’ll deal with the press Sergeant.
Now, my perfect Sunday would begin
-
FISHER leads MESSENGER away. ANGEL sees SIMON SKINNER
amongst a crowd of onlookers. SKINNER waves ’hello’.
WAINWEIGHT
What you thinking? Foul play?
ANGEL
Maybe.
WAINWRIGHT
We’re just waiting to speak to the
last people to see Mr Merchant
alive, namely Sergeant Knickerless
Asswipe and Constable Fanny
Butterdog.
80.
DANNY
That’s us.
The ANDES collapse with into sniggers.
ANGEL
Why is this such a big joke to you?
Three people have died in less than
a week.
WAINWRIGHT
Oh come on Dr. Sherlock, they were
accidents.
CARTWRIGHT
People have accidents everyday.
WAINWRIGHT
Ron Spencer got his cravat caught
in the mulcher the other week.
ANGEL
But the victims knew each other.
CARTWRIGHT
Everyone knows everyone round ’ere.
WAINWEIGHT
Yeah. If you didn’t see anything
suspicious, then who did?
Ratings
Scene 23 - Frustration in the CCTV Office
TOM WEAVER spools through footage on his CCTV monitors.
ANGEL, DANNY, FRANK and the ANDES look on.
WEAVER
Bit of a blind spot I’m afraid.
We’re not that well covered around
George Merchant’s. We only get the
very edge of the explosion.
FRANK
Nasty way to go.
WEAVER
One thing that did catch my eye.
ANGEL
What’s that?
81.
WEAVER
You sticking it to these herberts!
WEAVER shows a replay of the drunken HOODIE fight and whoops
with delight. The ANDES snigger. ANGEL fumes.
ANGEL
This is irrelevant.
WEAVER
I beg to differ. It’s the closest
we’ve come to nabbing the bastards.
ANGEL
Mr. Weaver, let’s concentrate-
WEAVER pauses the tape on a blurred shot of the BLONDE KID.
WEAVER
Did you get a good look at this
little mischief? What did he-
ANGEL
Forget that, just keep looking for
anything out of the ordinary in the
immediate area of Mr Merchant’s
residence. Make a note of any car
registrations spotted in the
vicinity. In partieular, look out
for a Red MG, license ’SS1’.
FRANK
Nicholas.
ANGEL
Yes sir?
FRANK
Can I have a mo?
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
FRANK
You’ve got to ease off on these
Skinner allegations. He’s the
manager of the local supermarket.
ANGEL
With respect sir-
82.
FRANK
Listen, you are an exceptional
officer, truly exceptional, but you
do have to let the Andes do their
job. If there’s anything amiss,
we’ll hear soon enough. Until then
we have to regard these incidents
as accidents.
ANGEL
Yes sir.
FRANK
Good boy.
FRANK leaves. ANGEL looks up to the photo on the wall. It is
of an officer with a big bushy beard; ’Sgt, Popwell’.
WEAVER (O.S.)
Sergeant Angel, I think I’ve found
what you’re looking for.
ANGEL runs excitedly over to WEAVER’s office. The ANDES
follow suit, as do DANNY and FRANK. They see CCTV footage of
the SWAN waddling past Merchant’s house.
WAINWRIGHT
Ah, there you go. It was the Swan
all along.
ANGEL
This is not funny Detective!
CARTWRIGHT
Oh give over Miss Marples.
WAINWRIGHT
Let us do our job and you do yours.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, haven’t you got a church fete
to look after?
ANGEL
No, I have not!
FRANK
Actually.
83.
Ratings
Scene 24 - A Fete to Remember
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Lovely day for it Sergeant?
A bored ANGEL patrols at a bustling fete. We see impressive
[U+FB02]oral displays and banners reading ’SAVE THE CHURCH
RGQE’ and promoting Sandford for ’VILLAGE OF THE YEAR’. REV.
SHOQTER sidles up to ANGEL with a tray of drinks.
REV. SHOOTER
Sergeant Angel, would your
theological reservations preclude
you from assisting me with the
raf[U+FB02]e this afternoon? There’s
a glass of Joyce Cooper’s lemonade
in it for you.
ANGEL takes a glass and downs it, to SHOOTER’S delight.
REV. SHOOTER (CONT’D)
Marvellous.
ANGEL slumps into a nearby chair and surveys the fete. He
sees a child messily eating a ice lolly. He looks up to see
the father, SGT. FISHER doing the same.
He sees DORIS THATCHER standing with two burly men, giggling
at a pig being spit roasted. He sees WALKER feed candy
[U+FB02]oss to SAXON.
BONG. A bell rings as LURCH plays a ’TEST YOUR STRENGTH’
game. SKINNER lurks nearby, manning a ’BASH THE RAT’ stall
and staring into the distance. Thunder rumbles.
ANGEL follows his gaze over to TIM MESSENGER having an
animated discussion with LESLIE TILLER, the [U+FB02]orist...
CARTWRIGHT (O.S.)
Shark?
ANGEL jumps. The ANDES appear, clutching cans of Cider.
WAINWRIGHT
Seen any murderings Nicholarse?
FRANK and DANNY approach dressed in wild west gear.
FRANK
Come on now boys. Leave Sergeant
Angel alone, he’s working.
84.
WAINWRIGHT
Sorry Chief, won’t waste anymore
police time.
The ANDES slope off, swigging their cider.
FRANK
Actually Nicholas. You may as well
have a break.
DANNY
Great. I’ve got something to show
you.
ANGEL follows DANNY through the crowd until they come to a
stop at an AIR RIFLE RANGE, run by a smiling DR. HATCHER.
ANGEL
This is a ri[U+FB02]e range.
DANNY
You’ll be really good at it.
HATCHER
Three cans wins you a squeaky
bunny, five gets you a [U+FB02]oppy
lion. Take out all the little
people, you get to waltz off with
the cuddly monkey.
ANGEL
I thought I made it clear to you
how I felt about guns.
DANNY
It’s only an air ri[U+FB02]e.
ANGEL
No Danny.
DANNY
It is for a cuddly monkey.
ANGEL grudgingly takes an air rifle. DANNY smiles
expectantly. ANGEL fires, hitting every can dead centre with
amazing speed. He lowers the rifle, feeling excited and
unclean at once. The ANDES watch, swigging their cider.
DR. HATCHER
Good lord.
ANGEL hands the ri[U+FB02]e to an awed DANNY, who inspects
it.
85.
DANNY
Fuck me...that was-
DANNY accidentally pulls the trigger. We hear an agonized
yelp. DR. HATCHER drops on the [U+FB02]oor clutching his leg.
Ratings
Scene 25 - A Fete of Tension
ANGEL and DANNY walk away from the stall: ANGEL clutching
the CUDDLY MONKEY, DANNY in shock. Behind a Saint John’s
Ambulance team attend to DR. HATCHER, who’s in some pain.
DANNY
I can’t believe I shot someone.
ANGEL
He’s a doctor, he can deal with it.
DANNY
But I’ve never shot anyone before.
ANGEL
Believe me Constable. It’s not
something you ever get used to.
DANNY
Yeah. Maybe we should go on the
bouncy castle. Take our minds off
it.
ANGEL spies SKINNER talking heatedly with TIM MSSENGER.
DANNY (cont’d)
What is it?
Thunder rumbles. Before ANGEL can answer, a YOUNG BOY runs
right into him. We see that it is the BLONDE SCHOOL KID. He
and ANGEL lock eyes. The boy looks terrified.
WEAVER
Watch where you’re going.
ANGEL turns to see the grandfather.
WEAVER (cont’d)
I do apologise for my grandson.
Stand up straight Gabriel, this is
Sergeant Angel.
ANGEL
I’ve met Gabriel before actually.
86.
WEAVER
Oh, have you?
GABRIEL looks extremely anxious. His eyes go wide.
ANGEL
Yes. I gave a talk at the school,
didn’t I Gabriel?
GABRIEL
Yeah.
ANGEL
Maybe we’ll get a chance to have
another little chat sometime.
WEAVER
I’m sure Gabriel would love that.
ANGEL
You have a good afternoon.
WEAVER and GABRIEL walk off. GABRIEL looks back at ANGEL,
his expression of confusion and relief.
DANNY
What was that about?
Before ANGEL can answer...a breathless TIM MESSENGER
appears, slamming into ANGEL.
TIM MESSENGER
Sergeant Angel, I need to talk to
you about George Merchant. Alone.
It might be less conspicuous if you
don’t bring the monkey.
ANGEL
This man is a police officer, I’d
thank you to treat him with more
respect.
TIM MSSENGER
I was talking about that.
MESSENGER nods to ANGEL’s giant CUDDLY MONKEY.
ANGEL
Oh.
TIM MESSENGER
The churchyard. Ten minutes.
ANGEL watches MESSENGER scurry off, passing SIMON SKINNER.
87.
SKINNER
Bash the rat?
REV. SHOOTER (TANNOY)
Could we have Sergeant Angel to the
stage please?
ANGEL gives the CUDDLY MONKEY to DANNY and walks off.
Ratings
Scene 26 - A Fete Turned Fatal
A distracted ANGEL takes to a makeshift stage where the REV.
SHOOTER stands with a tombola and a microphone.
REV. SHOOTER
Here to announce the winners is the
newest addition to the Sandford
Police Force-
ANGEL
(under breath}
Police service.
REV. SHOOTER
-Sergeant Nicholas Angel.
ANGEL
Hello.
A buzz of feedback from the mic. ANGEL eyes the clock. It’s
3pm. The tombola spins...
...MESSENGER waits in the churchyard, looks at his watch.
...ANGEL picks a name from the tombola.
ANGEL (cont’d)
The [U+FB02]rst name is Simon
Skinner.
ANNETTE ROPER
He’s in the loo!
REV. SHOOTER
Too much of Joyce’s lemonade
perhaps.
Laughter from the crowd. Thunder rumbles...
...We see a BLACK GLGVED HAND on a church door handle...
...The tombola spins. ANGEL looks at the clock...
...We see BLACK EOOTS race up belfry steps...
88.
...MESSENGER still waits. Sweat forms on his brow...
...ANGEL picks another name.
ANGEL
Tim Messenger.
REV. SHOOTER
Tim, your number’s up.
There’s much hub-bub. Thunder rumbles. Closer this time.
ANGEL looks in the crowd frantically...
...Unseen a CLOAKED EIGURE steps onto the church roof...
...ANGEL jumps down off the makeshift stage.
...ELACK GLOVED HANDS push on a loose turret stone.
...TIM MESSENGER stands directly below...
...ANGEL strides through the crowd...
...The gloved hand presses on the turret. The stone
cracks...
...ANGEL breaks into a run. He reaches the churchyard...
...The stone breaks away from the roof and falls down.
...ANGEL runs in the churchyard, sees TIM MSSENGER-
SPLAT. The tip of the stone CRUSHES MESSENGER’S head!
ANGEL jerks back in horror. TIM MESSENGER now looks utterly
surreal, with an upside down cone where his head should be.
The off duty police arrive on the scene, along with many of
the NWA. SIMON SKINNER runs over from a chemical toilet.
FRANK
Keep back. There’s been a terrible
accident!
There’s much hub-bub and murmurs of the word ’accident’ from
the crowd. FISHER steps in, not having seen the body.
FISHER
What accident?
(he sees it)
Oh right.
ANGEL grimaces, looks to the church roof and races off.
89.
Ratings
Scene 27 - Rainy Revelations
ANGEL runs up the church steps to the roof. He [U+FB02]ings
the door open and peers out. There’s no-one there.
He comes back down to find all the off duty police waiting
at the door, along with a troubled REV. SHOOTER.
FRANK
Nicholas, what is it?
ANGEL
Sir, I think all these deaths are
linked. Tim Messenger was murdered.
REV. SHOOTER
Who could do something like this?
WAINNRIGHT
Maybe it was the swan.
CARTWRIGHT
Apparently they can break a man’s
arm.
WAINWRIGHT
Or blow up a man’s house.
ANGEL
Look-
FRANK
Whoa there Nicholas. Let me get
this straight. Are you saying this
is a crime scene?
ANGEL
Yes sir, I am.
FRANK
Very well. Detectives, start
interviewing everyone who was at
the fete. Sgt Fisher, secure the
area, PC Thatcher, get the CSI down
here. PC Walker patrol the
churchyard with Saxon. Nicholas,
Danny...you know what to do.
90.
EXT. CHURCHYARD - NIGRT
ANGEL and DANNY sit in the rain at the crime scene. DANNY
still wears his cowboy outfit and clutches the MONKEY.
DANNY
Do you really think this is murder?
ANGEL
I just don’t think we should rule
it out.
DANNY
Yeah. I think you’re right.
PC WALKER passes with SAXON.
WALKER
Ifinkyertarkinaloodashitt.
DANNY
He thinks you’re talking a load of
shit. Swings and roundabouts innit?
The ANDES wander past. ANGEL and DANNY get up and approach.
ANGEL
Did you find anything?
WAINWRIGHT
Yes I was extremely shocked when I
looked at my watch and discovered
the pubs were shut.
ANGEL
What about his house? Have you
checked his office? Read his
articles?
CARTWRIGHT
If you want to wade through every
copy of the Sandford bloody
Citizen, be our guest.
ANGEL
It’s your job isn’t it? Detect!
WAINWRIGHT
This isn’t the city, Mister Angel.
Not everyone’s a murdering
psychopath. High time you realised
that. You and your monkey.
91.
The ANDES walk off into the night. DANNY holds up the CUDDLY
MONKEY.
DANNY
Did he mean me or that?
A furious ANGEL puts his head in his hands.
DANNY (cont’d)
Maybe we should go home.
ANGEL
What do you mean?
DANNY
Well, there’s nothing going on is
there?
ANGEL
Have you listened to anything I’ve
said Constable?
DANNY
What do you mean?
ANGEL
Has anything I’ve told you in the
last few weeks got through that
thick skull of yours?
DANNY
Yeah...
ANGEL
Oh really?
DANNY
You said I could be an amazing
policeman officer.
ANGEL
There’s always something going on
Danny and you’ll never be an
amazing police officer until you
understand that.
DANNY
I remembered something else you
said.
ANGEL
And what was that?
92.
DANNY
You don’t know how to switch off.
ANGEL stalks back to his stool and again guards the cordon.
He sits alone in the rain, soaking to the skin.
Ratings
Scene 28 - Uncovering the Mystery
ANGEL approaches his door. He unlocks it and enters. On the
bed is the sodden CUDDLY MONKEY and a card reading -
’This was left for you at reception. Regards Joyce’
ANGEL slumps into a chair, picks up the phone and dials-
INSPECTOR (V.O.)
I’m out of the office at present...
ANGEL spies the Sandford Citizen featuring him on the cover.
He sees the byline ’Words and Pictures by Tim Messenger’.
ANGEL hangs up and [U+FB02]icks through the paper, past
mundane stories; ’Bypass Still Unannounced’, ’Sandford
Family Trees’.
He stops at a feature entitled ’Sandford People’ with an
accompanying photo of George Merchant. A quote reads "This
is just the beginning; I have big plans for Sandford". ANGEL
looks inspired. He grabs his pen and notebook.
EXT/INT. LIERARY - MORNING
ANGEL sits at a table surrounded by archived volumes of the
Sandford Citizen. He [U+FB02]ips through the pages at speed.
We see FLASHCUTS of ANGEL scouring articles, photocopying
relevant pages, highlighting crucial sentences and even
correcting the odd typo. It’s a blizzard of information.
We see ANGEL highlight a sentence reading ’Mr. G. Merchant
has applied for planning permission...’ We see another
headline, ’George Of The Jungle: Merchant Buys Scrubland’.
We see a photo of MARTIN BLOWER outside the Sandford
Playhouse. The headline reads ’From Bar to Verse: Solicitor
Finances Drama Sociecy’.
The pages [U+FB02]ip faster, the words start to blur. There
has never been a more exciting scene in film history.
93.
INT. STATION - MORNING
A glum DANNY sits at a desk. ANGEL enters. DANNY doesn’t
look up. ANGEL struggles with a guilty greeting.
ANGEL
Morning Constable.
DANNY
Alright?
ANGEL
Thanks for the monkey.
DANNY
It’s yours.
ANGEL
Yeah but I won it for you.
(smiles apologetically)
Danny, I think I’m on to something.
DANNY
Are you?
ANGEL
I think with a little bit of
deliberation we can figure out what
links these deaths.
ANGEL slaps a thick bundle of photocopies on the table.
DANNY
We?
ANGEL
I can’t do this by myself Danny.
DANNY looks touched. The ANDES breeze past their desk.
WAINWRIGHT
Morning benders.
CARTWRIGHT
What you up to?
DANNY
Nothing.
The ANDES leave. ANGEL smiles at DANNY.
94.
ANGEL
Come on partner, lets go to work.
FISHER pokes his head out of his office, a note in hand.
FISHER
Sergeant Angel. Someone from London
rang for you.
ANGEL
Tell them I’ll ring ’em back.
Ratings
Scene 29 - Local Connections Uncovered
DANNY and ANGEL walk their beat, striding in perfect time.
ANGEL
Tim Messenger.
DANNY
Go.
ANGEL
Editor and journalist for The
Sandford Citizen.
DANNY
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Fondness for puns.
DANNY
Go on.
ANGEL
Terrible speller.
DANNY
Oh yeah?
ANGEL
Rut nevertheless had uncovered
important information about...
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY neglect their speed gun duty.
95.
DANNY
George Merchant.
ANGEL
Self made millionaire.
DANNY
Ch-ching.
ANGEL
Fancied himself as a property
developer.
DANNY
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Had big plans for Sandford.
DANNY
Pissed on the [U+FB02]oor in the
Crown.
ANGEL
But more importantly, was a good
friend and client of...
INT/EXT. STREET - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY walk the beat again.
ANGEL
Martin Blower.
DANNY
Affirmatron.
ANGEL
Respected solicitor and leading
light of the local drama society.
DANNY
Bad actor.
ANGEL
Undoubtedly.
DANNY
Bad driver.
96.
ANGEL
Not necessarily.
DANNY
Cheated on his missus.
ANGEL
Most certainly and we both know who
with?
EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY drive back to the sation.
DANNY
Eve Draper.
ANGEL
Blower’s leading lady.
DANNY
(Whistles)
ANGEL
Distinctive laugh.
DANNY
Oh yes.
ANGEL
Liked older men.
DANNY
Fingered.
ANGEL
But crucially, where did she work?
DANNY
Council.
ANGEL
Specifically?
DANNY
The department of planning and
development.
ANGEL
Where George Merchant had secured
permission to build his dubious
mansion on Norris Avenue.
97.
DANNY
So...
Ratings
Scene 30 - A Birthday Interrupted
Back in the office, the energy [U+FB02]ags. DANNY has his
head on ANGEL the table, ANGEL [U+FB02]icks endlessly through
his notes.
DANNY
Tim Messenger was onto something
about George Merchant who was into
something with Martin Blower who
was up to something with Eve
Draper.
ANGEL
And Simon Skinner has something to
do with it all.
DANNY
But he runs the local supermarket.
ANGEL
So?
DANNY
I don’t know, I mean, maybe it was
all accidents. People have
accidents everyday. Gary Butcher
drowned in his own septic tank the
other week.
ANGEL puts his head on the table too. FRANK swings by.
FRANK
What are you two up to?
ANGEL
Nothing.
FRANK
Well, look sharp. There’s been
reports of a fire in the station.
ANGEL
What?!
DORIS produces a cake with a single candle stuck in it. The
other officers gather round, singing ’Happy Birthday’. ANGEL
then notices cards and banners that have clearly been there
the whole day. All reading ’Happy Birthday Danny’.
98.
ANGEL (cont’d)
You should have said something.
DANNY
We were working weren’t we?
ANGEL is ashamed of himself. He slinks away to the door.
DANNY (cont’d)
Where you going?
ANGEL
Personal errand.
EXT. STATION - EVENING
The squad car races along a street, lights [U+FB02]ashing.
EXT. FLORISTS/NURSERY - EVENING
ANGEL pulls up outside ’mourns as LESLIE’ and puts his
notebook emphatically on the dashboard.
ANGEL arrives at the door as LESLIE TILLER is shutting up.
ANGEL
Oh Miss Tiller, I was wondering,
have you got any Peace Lilies?
LESLIE TILLER
Of course. I was just about to pop
off actually.
INT. FLORIST/NURSERY - EVENING
LESLIE TILLER cuts wrapping paper with large garden shears.
LESLIE TILLER
I can never find my scissors. Is
this for someone special?
ANGEL
Yes. Yes it is.
ANGEL spies packing crates and boxes on the [U+FB02]oor.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Are you going somewhere Miss
Tiller?
99.
LESLIE TILLER
No. Well, yes. I’m moving away.
It’s all a bit out of the blue. I
was planning to disappear quietly
actually. I do so hate goodbyes.
ANGEL
And why the move, if you don’t mind
me asking?
LESLIE TILLER
Well, just between you and I...
LESLIE TILLER seems a little edgy. ANGEL is intrigued.
ANGEL
Yes?
LESLIE TILLER
You know that fella who blew up?
ANGEL
George Merchant.
LESLIE TILLER
That’s him, well George Merchant -
god rest him - he wanted to buy
this land, so he sends round his
legal fella Martin Blower - god
rest him - I thought I might take
them up on it, because I’ve been
thinking about moving for some
time, I haven’t really got that
much family round here, save for
Cousin Sissy. And while the
’Village Of The Year’ stuff is
great and everything, I don’t
really see anything from it, so I
thought I might take them up on the
offer and move to Buford Abbey.
Would you like a card with this?
ANGEL
No, it’s okay. You were saying
about the offer?
LESLIE TILLER
Well, it turns out that Martin
Blower - god rest him - knew where
the new bypass road is going
because he was knocking off Eve
Draper from the council - god rest
her - then that reporter - god rest
(MORE)
100.
LESLIE TILLER (cont’d)
him - finds out about the route and
tells me the land’s very valuable,
ten times what George Merchant and
Martin Blower - god rest them -
offered me. So with them having
passed on and me still owning the
land, I decided to sell it on
myself to some folks from the city
that Martin, George and Eve - god
rest the lot of them - had been
talking to, apparently they want to
build a big shopping centre or
something, of course Cousin Sissy
won’t be too happy about that, but
as far as I’m concerned -
ANGEL pats his pockets for his note book.
ANGEL
Would you excuse me for one second?
LESLIE TILLEE
Of course.
Ratings
Scene 31 - Murder in the Nursery
ANGEL leaves the [U+FB02]orist. He runs back to the car to
get his pocketbook. In the background we can see LESLIE
TILLER wrapping the [U+FB02]owers - but we can also see -
The CLOAKED FIGURE slips in from the back room of the shop,
grabs the shears and plunges them into LESLIE TILLER’s
throat. Blood spurts all over the counter and front window.
ANGEL turns back to see...TILLER dead. Shears in her neck.
The blood. A SHADOW disappearing into the stock room...
ANGEL
Stop. In the name of the law!
ANGEL runs towards the [U+FB02]orist, throwing his trunoheon
at the window. It shatters a second before he jumps through.
INT/EXT. FLORIST/NURSERY - NIGHT
ANGEL runs into the stock room, to see the CLOAKED FIGURE
running through the aisles of the stock room. He gives
chase.
SMASH. The CLOAKED FIGURE jumps through a greenhouse window,
catching their leg on the frame.
101.
ANGEL is almost on top of him and jumps through the newly
smashed window. Landing, he looks up to see the FIGURE now a
good 50 metres ahead, running towards a greenhouse and
knocking garden furniture in its wake.
ANGEL sprints off again, bursting into the greenhouse and
gaining on the CLOAKED EIGUEE. Both knock plants asunder.
The CLOAKED EIGURE slices through a mesh door with a knife
and disappears over a hedge at the nursery perimeter.
ANGEL reaches the final hedge to find the CLOAKED FIGURE,
now 100 metres away, sprinting across a cricket pitch.
A breathless ANGEL stands at the hedge, confused and amazed.
EXT. FLORISTS/NURSERY - NIGHT
Back at the [U+FB02]orist. ANGEL and FISHER stare at LESLIE
TILLER who lies dead, shears protruding from her neck.
FISHER
Hang about, hang about. You’re
saying this wasn’t an accident?
INT. STATION - NIGHT
ANGEL
LESLIE TILLER WAS MURDERED!
The assembled officers look at ANGEL as if he is insane.
CARTWRIGHT
What just like Tim Messenger?
ANGEL
Yes!
WAINWRIGHT
And George Merchant?
ANGEL
Yes!
CARTWRIGHT
And Eve Draper?
ANGEL scrawls on a piece of paper the word ’YES’.
102.
ANGEL
Yes!
WAINWRIGHT
And Martin Blower?
ANGEL
No, actually.
WAINWRIGHT
Really?
CARTWRIGHT
Really?
ANGEL
COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
DANNY pops a coin in the swearbox.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Thank you Danny.
WAINWRIGHT
Oh Murder. Murder. Murder. Change
the fucking record.
CARTWRIGHT pops a coin in the swearbox for WAINWRIGHT.
WAINWRIGHT (cont’d)
Thank you Andy.
FISHER
Yes come on Sergeant, you’ve got to
accept that it was another terrible
accident.
ANGEL
Are you suggesting Leslie Tiller
somehow tripped and fell on her own
shears?
FISHER
Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork
the other week.
DORIS THATCHER
People have accidents everyday.
What makes you think it was murder?
ANGEL
Because I was there.
103.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, that’s a point. Why were you
there?
ANGEL
I was buying a Japanese Peace Lily
for Constable Butterman’s birthday.
WAINWRIGHT
What absolute horseshit.
ANGEL
Look, I chased a suspect from the
scene. Innocent people don’t run.
FISHER
It might have been our old friend
the cactus thief again.
DORIS THATCHER
Yeah, he was a prickly customer.
Everyone laughs. ANGEL crumples against the nonsense.
ANGEL
Am I going completely mad?
WAINWRIGHT
Maybe you are?
CAEIWRIGHT
Ieah, maybe you killed her, seeing
as you’re such a big fan of murder.
ANGEL
What!?
FRANK (O.S.)
Sergeant Angel?
ANGEL
YES....sir?
FRANK ushers ANGEL into his office and shuts the blinds.
FRANK
Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas, what
am I going to do with you?
ANGEL
Chief, you’ve got to understand-
104.
FRANK
No, you have to understand, the
boys here aren’t used to the
concepts you’re bandying about.
(off Angel’s look)
The ’M’ word, Nicholas. There
hasn’t been a recorded murder in
Sandford for 20 years.
ANGEL
But I’m sure sir. And what’s more,
I know who did it.
FRANK
I hope you’re not going to say who
I think you’re going say.
Ratings
Scene 32 - Confrontation in the Office
ANGEL
Could I see the manager please?
ANGEL and co. burst into SKINNER’s office to find the
CHECKOUT GIRL chewing gum. She intones into the tannoy.
CHECKOUT GIRL
Mr. Skinner to the manager’s office
please. Managers office. Mr.
Skinner.
INT. SKINNER’S GEFICE - NIGHT
The cops are all crammed into the office. ANGEL stands
purposefully. Various employees look through the office
window.
SKINNER
Sergeant Angel. Officers. To what
do I owe this pleasure?
ANGEL
I’m arresting you on suspicion of
the murder of Leslie Tiller.
SKINNER
Leslie Tiller is dead? How?
FISHER
She tripped and fell on her own
shears.
ANGEL throws a pen at FISHER’s head. He yelps.
105.
ANGEL
I’m also arresting you on suspicion
of the murders of Tim Messenger on
May 1st, George Merchant on April
29th and Eve Draper and Martin
Blower on April 28th.
SKINNER
Why on earth would I want to do
that Sergeant?
ANGEL
I’m glad you asked.
The following is illustrated with oodles of FLASHCUTS. It
looks pretty damn cool, for a British film.
ANGEL (cont’d)
My suspicions were [U+FB02]rst
aroused when you appeared at the
scene of the Blower/Draper deaths,
on the outskirts of Sandford,
despite living and working in the
centre of the village. I couldn’t
help recall your comments at the
theatre the previous evening, when
you not only indicated your
awareness of the couple’s affair
but also inferred that Ms. Draper’s
connections at the council might
make her privy to important
information. You yourself spoke of
"bashing her head in". Perhaps
hoping you might discover the route
for the proposed Sandford Bypass.
You were already suspicious that
Blower’s client George Merchant was
buying up an area of land on the
edge of the village, after a story
Tim Messenger ran in the Citizen.
You put two and two together after
noting Merchant’s use of your car
park to visit Blower who you knew
all too well had an inside
connection at the council. The land
Merchant was buying up had no
particular value as it was but if
it were to be made accessible by a
new road, it would become an ideal
location for perhaps, a retail
park. Consumed with concern for
your business and potential
disloyalty from fickle customers
(MORE)
106.
ANGEL (cont’d)
whom you yourself stated the desire
to behead, you killed the potential
competition in cold blood, staging
the murders as accidents. You used
a vehicle removal truck to stage
the Blower/Draper crash and
incinerated an old man in his
house, covering your tracks with
the judicial application of bacon
and beans. However, there was a
loose end. Tim Messenger foolishly
confronted you at the village fete,
after his own investigations lead
him to the same conclusions. So you
silenced him, before he could voice
his concerns to me but not before
he had told Leslie Tiller about the
true value of her land. Upon
discovering that she was about to
sell up to the developers, you
brutally murdered her with her own
shears and made your escape
utilising your impressive prize
winning skills as a fun runner.
ANGEL finishes his summation, by resting his hand on a ’fun
run’ trophy. The room is astonished. SKINNER claps slowly.
SKINNER
Very entertaining, Sergeant Angel.
But I rather think you’ve been
watching too many films.
DANNY
He hasn’t.
SKINNER
Why would I kill Leslie? You
clearly aren’t aware we’re related.
ANGEL
Oh but I am, ’Cousin Sissy’.
ANGEL slaps down a photocopied sheet of a family tree
article from the ’Sandford Citizen’. Highlighted are Skinner
and Tiller’s connected names. SKINNER scoffs.
SKINNER
I’m afraid my nickname of Sissy is
only a revelation to yourself. My
teenage years studying ballet are
well known.
107.
WAINWRIGHT
Yeah Sissy Skinner.
CARTWEIGHT
What a gaylord!
SKINNER
Thank you Andrews. Despite my
comment about beheading customers,
what we here on Planet Sandford
like to refer to as ’a joke’ I
would personally relish the
competition of another store.
Anything to energise my workforce.
SKINNEE gesticulates to his gormless minions outside.
ANGEL
You would relish the competition.
Especially if it was yourself. As
Miss Tiller’s only cousin, you’re
set to inherit her land, on which
you plan to build a Summeraisles
Express. The perfect one stop shop
for bypass traffic.
ANGEL points to the sketch of a new store on the wall.
SEINNER
These sketches are just pipe
dreams. Anyway, what makes you
think I could dislodge part of the
church roof? Or for that matter
stage a car crash?
ANGEL
It’s a well known fact that the
church roof is severely in need of
repair. As for the car, isn’t it
true that two of your employees
also operate the council’s vehicle
removal truck?
ANGEL points to the GRUFF LOOKING BUTCHERS. They are the
same GRUFF LOOKING MEN from the removal vehicle earlier.
SKINNER
Sergeant, this is the 21st Century,
I’ll think you find that many
people hold down several jobs, I
myself host a life drawing class at
the Village Hall.
(nods to Checkout Girl)
(MORE)
108.
SKINNER (cont’d)
Tina here is a table dancer at
Flappers.
ANGEL
The thing is Mr. Skinner, you could
quite easily have obtained access
to the removal vehicle and used it
for your own ends.
SKINNER
These accusations are meaningless
Sergeant, unless you can back them
up with hard evidence.
ANGEL
Well you’ve certainly got me there.
We’d need something conclusive.
Like perhaps a wound you sustained
on a shard of broken glass this
very evening.
ANGEL awkwardly pulls back SKINNER’s trouser legs. Nothing.
SKINNER
Oh Sergeant, this is getting to be
embarrassing. Apart from anything
else, how can I be in several
places at once? I’m sure the
store’s security footage can
absolve me. Do feel free to spool
through.
Ratings
Scene 33 - Frustration and Insight
A frustrated ANGEL spools a huge pile of VHS tapes. We see
CCTV images of SKINNER stagily strolling the shop
[U+FB02]oor. The other officers drift out of the office,
grumbling.
Soon only DANNY and FRANK remain. FRANK slaps a hand on
ANGEL’s shoulder and leaves. DANNY picks up another tape.
ANGEL
I can handle this Danny You enjoy
the rest of your birthday.
DANNY
Did you really get me that plant?
109.
ANGEL
Yes, but it’s been impounded as
evidence.
DANNY
Maybe I can still water it.
DANNY leaves as SKINNER apprcaches with LURCH.
SKINNER
Sergeant, I wanted you to know that
if I do indeed now own the land
belonging to Leslie, I intend to
turn it into a memorial garden, in
her honour.
ANGEL
(blows raspberry)
Jog on.
SKINNER
Michael, will you escort the
Sergeant off the premises when he’s
quite finished?
LURCH
Yarp.
INT. SWAN HOTEL DINING - NIGHT
ANGEL eats alone, a broken man. JOYCE serves him wine.
JOYCE CQOPER
I can’t believe Leslie’s dead. How
did it happen again?
ANGEL
She tripped and fell on her own
shears.
INT. STATION LOCKER ROOM - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY are getting into uniform. Retrieving his
cap, ANGEL sees the word ’TWAT’ written on the inside.
DANNY
That wasn’t me.
110.
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
DANNY and ANGEL sit in their usual spot, as the high street
is being decorated with bunting. DANNY leeks at ANGEL, whe
stares off intc space.
DANNY
Look Nicholas. Mr. Treacher’s got
his big coat on again...Want
anything from the shop?
ANGEL
Cornetto.
INT. NEWSAGENT - DAY
DANNY buys two ice-creams from a smirking ANNETTE ROPER.
ANGEL watches on morosely.
ANNETTE RUPER
No luck catching them killers then?
DANNY
It’s just the one killer actually.
EXT. SQUARE - DAY
DANNY throws some change into the fountain. They get into
the squad car, licking their ice creams. ANNETTE’s words
echo in ANGEL’s head; ’No luck catching them killers then?’
Licking his ice cream; ANGEL ponders DANNY’s response; ’It’s
just the one killer actually’. The words resonate.
ANGEL stops eating his ice cream, his eyes go wide.
DANNY
What’s the matter? You got
brainfreeze?
ANGEL
No I got brainwave. Get us back to
the station. Now!
NANNY starts the car, whilst trying to finish as much of his
ice cream as he can. He clutches his head in pain.
DANNY
Arrrgh!
111.
EXT. STATION - DAY
The squad car screeches to a halt in the car park.
ANGEL
It’s more than one person.
FRANK
Come again?
ANGEL
More than one killer.
FRANK
It was Skinner a minute ago.
ANGEL
Maybe it still is. Maybe he’s not
alone. Maybe there are others.
FRANK
Who exactly?
ANGEL
I don’t know but we were buying
Cornettos and it suddenly hit me-
FRANK
You’re an exceptional officer,
Nicholas. Truly exceptional. But
I’ve seen this before.
ANGEL
Sir?
FRANK
Sergeant Popwell. It was exactly
the same thing. You’ve come from a
city where there’s danger round
every corner and it’s driven you
round the bend.
ANGEL visibly sags. He becomes listless and compliant.
ANGEL
Yes sir.
FRANK
Listen, I’m due at a function in
about half an hour. So do yourself
a favour. Sleep on it. If you feel
the same way in the morning, I give
you my word, we’ll get right on it.
112.
ANGEL
Thank you sir.
Ratings
Scene 34 - Confrontation at Dusk
ANGEL leaves the station. DANNY follows, confused.
DANNY
What happened? What’s going on?
ANGEL
Nothing. I was just- I’m gonna go
back and crash for a bit.
DANNY
Oh okay. Need a lift?
ANGEL
No, I could do with the walk.
ANGEL walks off, feeling guilty. DANNY looks forlorn.
EXT. SANDFORD HIGH STREET - DUSK
ANGEL trudges home, the street is festooned with bunting.
INT. SWAN HOTEL RECEFTION - DUSK
ANGEL slopes through the hotel reception. It is empty. A new
ROMEO AND JULIET poster shows understudies, Greg and Sherry,
smiling as the male and female lead.
INT. SWAN HOTEL CORRIDOR - DUSK
ANGEL takes out his key. He notices his door is ajar.
The door [U+FB02]ies open...A huge CLOAKED FIGURE lifts ANGEL
off the ground, throws him inside and slams the door behind.
INT. SWAN HOTEL BEDROOM - DUSK
ANGEL hits the wall with a thud. He gets up and throws
several punches at his attacker, but stops, clutching his
injured hand. The FIGURE picks ANGEL up in a bear hug. ANGEL
struggles, pulling the assailant’s hood off to reveal-
113.
LURCH. They look at each other for a second. ANGEL brings
his [U+FB02]sts down on either side of LURCH’s head. LURCH
drops ANGEL, holding his ears. ANGEL kicks LURCH in the
balls. He barely winces before hurling ANGEL across the room
into a painting of the castle. His notebook drops to the
[U+FB02]oor.
LUNCH lumbers towards him. ANGEL grabs the CUDDLY MONKEY and
looks throws it in LURCH’s direction. LUNCH catches it and
is momentarily charmed, hypnotised by the monkey’s cute
eyes.
A whistle from offscreen. LURCH turns to see ANGEL upright,
brandishing his beloved POT PLANT.
ANGEL
Playtime’s over.
SMASH. ANGEL hits LURCH across the head, destroying his
Peace Lily in the process. LURCH drops. His walkie-talkie
clatters to the [U+FB02]oor, crackling to life.
SKINNER (O.S.)
Michael? Michael? Are you there?
Michael? Is everything okay?
ANGEL speaks into the Walkie-talkie in a thick brogue.
ANGEL
Yarp.
SKINNER (O.S.)
Sergeant Angel has been taken care
of?
ANGEL
Yarp.
SKINNER (O.S.)
He’s not going to get back up
again?
ANGEL
...Narp?
SKINNER (O.S.}
Good. Proceed to the castle.
ANGEL looks to a castle painting on the wall. He pulls out
his phone and dials.
114.
FRANK (0.S.)
You’ve reached Frank Butterman.
Please leave a message after the
beep-
ANGEL
Frank. This shit just got real.
Skinner just tried to kill me. He’s
going somewhere. The castle I
think. I’m going there now. I don’t
know who to trust. It’s Nicholas by
the way.
ANGEL turns to see DANNY at the door and jumps a mile. DANNY
looks at LURCH sprawled among the pot plant debris.
DANNY
Oh my god. What happened to your
Peace Lily?
ANGEL
Danny. Stay here. Watch him. Call
your Dad. Tell him I was right.
DANNY
What are you going to do?
ANGEL
I’m going to bust this thing wide
open.
DANNY
Nicholas?
Danny picks up ANGEL’s notebook and puts it in his pocket.
ANGEL
Thanks partner.
Ratings
Scene 35 - The Sinister Gathering at Sandford Castle
ANGEL runs down the high street past a National Trust sign
pointing toward ’SANDFORD CASTLE’.
EXT/INT. CASTLE RUINS - NIGHT
ANGEL approaches Sandford Castle ruins, a dilapidated l2th
Century Castle. It looks spooky in the dark. ANGEL hears
voices coming from inside. We hear chanting-
115.
MASSED VOICES (O.S.}
...bonum commune communitatis...
ANGEL peers into the main hall. He sees several BLACK
CLOAKED FIGURES standing around a large circular stone
tablet. They hold torches under their faces.
ANGEL makes out familiar faces under the hoods. We see TOM
WEAVER, whose words echo in ANGEL’s head; "I can see what
the entire village is up to..."
ANGEL looks to see 12 walkie talkies on the stone tablet -
"Got everyone linked up with a walkie so we can keep each
other abreast of any misadventure."
ANGEL sees SKINNER under one of the hoods. Words echo; "How
can I be in several places at once?"...
We see ELASHCUTS of the [U+FB02]orist chase, now with angles
that we didn’t see previously; a second CLOAKED FIGURE
outside the greenhouse, a third CLOAKED EIGUEE behind the
hedge.
ANGEL spies some of the other faces - JOYCE COOPER, ANNETTE
ROPER, JAMES READER, REV. SHOOTER, DR. HATCHER, AMANDA PAVER
- "We’re basically a group of volunteers who strive to keep
the village just so..."
ANGEL’s thoughts [U+FB02]ash back to the fountain. We see
DANNY throw some change in. The penny drops. We see the
plaque; ’This fountain was generously restored with funds
raised by F. Butterman, J. Cooper, R. Hatcher, A. Paver...’
As the CLOAKED FIGURES stop chanting and sit at the tablet,
ANGEL is even more horrified by what he hears next...
JOYCE COOPER
Quick announcement before we begin.
Janet Barker has decided to call
her boys Roger and Martin which is
lovely. The christening will be
Saturday week and all are welcome.
Tom?
The CLOAKED FIGURES all swing their torches to WEAVER.
WEAVER
Thanks Joyce. Now you’ll be pleased
to know that the tenacious Sergeant
Angel has now been taken care of.
Thanks must go to Simon Skinner for
his efforts in this. Our very own
Joyce Cooper will discover the
officer tomorrow morning, slumped
(MORE)
116.
WEAVER (cont’d)
on the wet [U+FB02]oor of his
ensuite bathroom, having slipped in
the shower and tragically broken
his neck. Dr. Hatcher will take it
from there.
DR. HATCHER
Indeed and may I say very well
executed Simon. I will of course
pronounce the death as accidental.
That is after all what I’m here
for.
All torches to DR. HATCHER. There are mild chuckles.
WEAVER
With Sergeant Angel dispatched, we
can concentrate our efforts on
eradicating our hoodie infestation,
after which nothing will stand in
our way.
ANGEL (O.S.)
Oh I beg to differ, Mister Weaver.
All the torches spin to the direction of the voice.
WEAVER
Well, well, well, I see we have
visitors.
ANGEL walks into the torch beams, warrant card aloft.
ANGEL
Sergeant Nicholas Angel. Sandford
Police Service.
SNINNER
My, he is tenacious isn’t he?
ANGEL
I’m placing you all under arrest on
suspicion of conspiracy to commit
murder.
WEAVER
Oh come, come Sergeant Angel.
ANGEL
You should be ashamed of
yourselves. This is supposed to be
the community that cares!
117.
REV. SHOOTER
Oh, but we do care Nicholas.
JOYCE COOPER
It’s all about the greater good.
ALL
The greater good.
ANGEL
What do you mean the greater good?
ALL
The greater good.
SKINNER
Sandford, Nicholas. The village.
DR. HATCHER
A happy village is a healthy
village.
REAPER
Perfection breeds contentment and
contentment is paramount.
SKINNER
You see, as much as I enjoyed your
wild theories Sergeant, the truth
is far less complex. Blower’s fate
was simply the result of his being
an appalling actor.
There’s a murmur of "appalling".
ANGEL
You murdered him for that?
SKINNER
He murdered Bill Shakespeare.
ANGEL
What!? Oh I see.
We see FLASHEACKS of MARTIN ELOWER’s dressing room murder.
Now, we see new angles with MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES.
REAPER
The Sandford Players is an
important feather in our cap.
118.
DR. HATCEER
We couldn’t let Blower jeopardize
that. Not when we had two
semimprofessionals waiting in the
wings.
SKINNER points to an OLDER COUPLE in cloaks who wave back.
SKINNER
Let us not forget Greg was an extra
in Straw Dogs -
ANGEL
Yes, I know!
JOYCE COQPER
Martin was less concerned with the
reputation of the village than his
sordid affair with Eve Draper.
We see FLASHBACKS of EVE’s murder by MULTIPLE KILLERS.
ANGEL
And so Eve deserved to die too?
DR. HATCHER
She did have an annoying laugh.
There’s a murmur of ’annoying’.
ANGEL
And George Merchant?
SKINNER
He had an awful house.
There’s a murmur of "awful".
We see FLASHBACKS of MERCHANT’S ’accidental’ explosion. Now,
with MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES engineering it.
JOYCE COOPER
We begged him in vain to make his
residence more in keeping with the
village’s rustic aesthetic.
ANGEL
What was Messenger’s crime?
SNINNER
Tim Messenger’s tenure as editor of
the Sandford Citizen has been
unbearable.
119.
REAPER
Our once great paper had become
riddled with tabloid journalism and
dreadful punnery. Not to mention
persistent errors.
ROY PORTER
He listed her age as 55.
MARY PORTER
When I’m actually 53.
REV SHOOTER
The church roof was in need of
repair and the insurers wouldn’t
pay unless it was certified
hazardous. Let’s just say we killed
two birds with one stone.
FLASHBACK of MULTIPLE CLOAKED FIGURES pushing the turret.
ANGEL
What about Leslie Tillar? One of
your own? Her her horticultural
expertise helped put Sandford on
the map.
JOYCE COOPER
She was ever so good.
SKINNER
Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame.
But it seems she was set on moving
away.
WEAVER
We had to stop her before she
shared her green fingers with
anyone else.
JOYCE COOPER
Not least the heathens at Euford
Abbey.
The NWA simultaneously spit on the ground.
DR. HATCHER
If we can’t have her no-one can.
ANGEL
How can this be for the greater
good?!
120.
ALL
The greater good.
ANGEL
Shut it. These people died for no
reason, no reason whatsoever?
VOICE (O.S.)
Oh I wouldn’t say that.
All torches move to the voice. To ANGEL’s horror, it is
FRANK. He wears the era FASHIONED POLICE CAPE.
FRANK
I was like you once Nicholas. I
believed in the immutable word of
the law. That is until the night
Mrs. Butterman was taken from me.
You see, no-one loved Sandford more
than her. She was head of the
Women’s Institute, chair of the
’[U+FB02]oral committee’, even ran
the Neighbourhood Watch before Tom.
When they started the ’Village of
the Year’ contest, she worked round
the clock, it became her life. I’ve
never seen such dedication. On the
eve of the adjudicator’s
arrival, some travellers moved
into Callahan Park. Before could
say gypsy scum, We were knee deep
in dog muck, thieving kids and
crusty jugglers. We lost the title
and Irene lost her mind. She drove
her Datsun Cherry into Sandford
Gorge. The inquiry said it was an
accident but I knew better. From
that moment on I swore that I’d do
her proud. And whatever the cost,
we’d make Sandford great again.
ANGEL
Sir, this doesn’t make sense.
WEAVER
It makes perfect sense, Sergeant.
Frank gathered together a group of
the most faithful Sandfordians and
showed us how we might rid our
streets of the paedophiles and
perverts-
121.
REV. SHOOTER REAPER
-the shoplifters- -the shirtlifters-
WEAVER AMANDA PAVER
-the punks, the drunks- -the thugs, the mugs-
SKINNER REV. SHOOTER
-the hams, the shams- -the drifters, the
grifters-
DR. HATCHER JOYCE COOPER
-the dodgers, the bodgers- -the hawkers, the stalkers-
ROY PORTER MARY PORTER
-the gypsies, the tramps- -and thieves-
ANNETTE ROPER
-the paedophiles, the perverts-
ANGEL
Yeah, you’ve had them.
FRANK
The adjudicators arrive tomorrow
Nicholas. They were supposed to
arrive in a couple of months but
they brought it forward for some
reason. We had to make sure
everything was ready.
ANGEL
Are you saying this was all about
winning the ’Best Village Award’?
FRANK
This is the best village Nicholas.
You’ve seen the people. They’re
happy, contented. Most of them
don’t even know about our work.
They have very normal lives.
There’s a murmur of "very normal".
ANGEL
They’re living in a dream world.
122.
HATCHER
Precisely. No crime. No tension.
WEAVER
Sheer bliss.
There’s a murmur of "bliss".
FRANK
We have created the society you
dream about. Isn’t that worth
preserving?
ANGEL
Not with murder.
FRANK
Sgt. Popwell thought much the same
as you. I’m disappointed you can’t
see the big picture.
ANGEL
Well, I’m happy to disappoint sir.
And I’m afraid you’re going to have
to come with me. You’re all going
to have to come with me.
FRANK
No Nicholas, I’m afraid it’s you
who has to some with us...
The NWA reveal an array of weapons from under their cloaks;
axes, scythes, pitchforks, knives etc.
Out of the shadows, a bruised and angry LURCH slaps a hand
on ANGEL’s shoulder. ANGEL is shocked. Another hand lands on
his other shoulder. he turns to see-
ANGEL
Danny? No! NO!
DANNY is silent. He and LURCH wield knives and torches. With
lightning speed ANGEL ducks out of their grip, grabs LURCH’s
blade, spins behind DANNY and holds it to his throat. He
takes DANNY’s torch and shines it at the NWA.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Now back off or you’ll be
explaining to everyone how Danny
accidentally tripped and cut his
own head off.
The NWA continue to close in. FRANK laughs.
123.
FRANK
Oh come on Nicholas. You haven’t
got it in you.
ANGEL
I MEAN IT.
They close in further.
Shit.
ANGEL throws DANNY to the ground and runs into the woods.
The NWA give chase. A hoard of cloaked figures run through
the trees. ANGEL sprints into the darkhess-
Suddenly ANGEL trips and falls through a hole in the path.
Ratings
Scene 36 - Betrayal in the Shadows
ANGEL crashes to a dusty [U+FB02]oor, winded. He picks up his
torch and shines it around. He seems to be inside an old
GYPSY CARAVAN buried in the ground. His torch picks out a
SKELETON IN GYPSY CLOTHING.
ANGEL backs up frantically, colliding with an ENTIRE FAMILY
OF GYPSY SKELETONS, complete with children and dog.
ANGEL staggers to the door which bursts open into a cave.
His torch picks out many more bodies. The most recent
addition, in a PURPLE SHELL SUIT is a dead PETER COCKER.
ANGEL jumps back and finds himself staring at a skeleton in
a police sergeant’s uniform. It has a BIG BUSHY BEARD.
ANGEL [U+FB02]ees the cave and sees one other corpse; that of
the LIVING STATUE, now frozen in a final expression of
terror.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
ANGEL slams straight into DANNY at the cave mouth.
The other NWA members gather behind, an ominous mass of
shadow. DANNY produces his blade.
ANGEL
Danny! No!
DANNY plunges the knife into ANGEL’s chest. We see ANGEL
stagger back. His torch drops and smashes.
124.
INT/EXT. DANNY’S CAR - NIGHT
A sign looms in the night - ’YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SANDFORD’.
A grim DANNY pulls into a dark layby in his Astra. The brake
lights illuminate the sign with a hellish glow.
INT/EXT DANNY’S CAR - NIGHT
A car boot opens. DANNY stands over a bloodied ANGEL, the
knife protruding from his chest.
ANGEL slowly opens his eyes and looks at DANNY with
confusion. DANNY slowly opens his hand to reveal a number of
empty ketchup sachets.
DANNY
(weakly)
Ta-daaaa.
DANNY yanks the knife out of ANGEL’s chest. ANGEL produces
the notebook from his breast pocket.
ANGEL
What are you doing?
DANNY
They told me I had to put you in
the front seat and push you in the
gorge.
DANNY hauls ANGEL out of the car boot.
ANGEL
Danny, it’s murder.
DANNY
It’s not, it’s ketchup.
ANGEL
I’m not talking about me Danny, I’m
talking about all the others the
NWA have murdered.
DANNY
That’s not true. Dad just said it’s
his special club. I thought it was
just about rapping knuckles and
sending them on their way.
125.
ANGEL
There are skeletons back there
Danny.
DANNY
I don’t know nuffin about the
skelingtons!
ANGEL
But what about Draper, Blower,
Merchant, Messenger and Tiller?
What do you think was happening?
DANNY
I don’t know.
ANGEL
It was Frank, Danny. He’s appointed
himself judge, jury and
executioner.
DANNY
He’s not Judge Judy!
ANGEL
He is Danny! And you have to help
me take him down.
DANNY
I can’t Nicholas. I’m involved now.
I have to do what Dad says. I can’t
get out. But you can. Take the car,
go back to London. There’s nothing
you can do.
ANGEL
I can come back. And I can bring
the blue fury of the Metropolitan
Police Service with me.
DANNY
They’ll make it all disappear. They
hid it from everyone else. Who are
they gonna believe? Dad, or the
loony London copper?
ANGEL
But you’ll be here won’t you Danny?
We can do this together. You and
me. Partners.
126.
DANNY
Forget it Nicholas. It’s Sandford.
A tearful DANNY pulls out his car keys. ANGEL takes them,
limps to the car and drives off. In his rear view, ANGEL can
just make out the figure of DANNY standing in the road.
Ratings
Scene 37 - Chaos in Sandford
ANGEL drives down the M4. Rain lashes his windscreen. His
fuel light blinks low. He reaches ’HESTON SERVICES’.
INT. HESTON SERVICES - NIGHT
A CLERK eyes ANGEL, who is covered in grime and ketchup.
CLERK
Is that everything Sir?
ANGEL’s gaze has been drawn to a bargain bin full of DVDs.
He scans the titles - ’OUT FOR JUSTICE’,’THE ENFDRCER’,
’LETHAL WEAPON’, ’WALKING TALL’, ’HARD T0 KILL’.
CLERK (cont’d)
Sir? Sir? Is there anything we can
do for you?
ANGEL
No. This is something I have to do
myself.
ANGEL grabs a pair of shades, a [U+FB02]stful of car spray
paints and some bubble gum. He slams down some crumpled
money.
EXT. BRANNIGAN’S FARM - MORNING
We see the ’WELCOME TO SANDFORD’ sign.
It’s morning outside JAMES REAPER’s farm. His GREEN 4X4
pulls over to the roadside. He gets out and walks to some
horses at a gate. They snort, restless. REAPER looks behind
him. The ASTRA is sitting right in the middle of the road.
REAPER
Danny?
REAPER squints. It’s not DANNY. Sitting behind the wheel,
wearing shades and revving the engine, is ANGEL.
127.
Reaper runs to his 4X4...ANGEL screams towards him...Reaper
grabs his car radio..
SMASH. ANGEL crashes his car directly into the 4X4...REAPER
is left clutching the radio and snapped cable...ANGEL
springs from the ASTRA and charges towards REAPER.
REAPER (cont’d)
Mum!!!
ANGEL punches REAPER out cold. BANG...Buckshot rips into the
4X4 next to ANGEL’s head...
REAPER’S MUM brandishes a shotgun from the other side of the
gate. She breaks the shotgun and goes to reload.
ANGEL runs towards the gate, jumps into the air and launches
into a [U+FB02]ying kick. REAPER’S MUM snaps the shotgun
shut, ANGEL lands on her, with maximum force.
EXT. BRANNIGAN’S FARM - MORNING
JAMES REAFER and his MUM are tied to the fence.
REAPER
What are you going to do? Just walk
in and arrest the whole village?
ANGEL
Not exactly.
INT. SANDFORD STATION - MORNING
ANGEL glides through the quiet front office, past the
straight haired DESK SERGEANT who barely looks up.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING
ANGEL glides through the locker room. No-one spots him. He
opens his locker, and retrieves a uniform and a stab vest.
INT/EXT. EVIDENCE ROOM - MORNING
’999’ is punched into the keypad. The door opens on the
arsenal of weaponry. ANGEL grabs all he can carry. RIFLES
and SHOTGUNS round his shoulders, PISTOLS in his belt.
The room is now completely empty, save for the sea mine.
128.
INT. FRANK’S OFFICE - MORNING
FRANK looks at paperwork and eats ice cream. In the outer
office ANGEL stands looking in. FRANK becomes aware of
someone watching. He looks up but ANGEL has gone.
INT. STATION - MORNING
ANGEL glides past the DESK SERGEANT, who finally pipes up.
DESK SERGEANT
Oh Sergeant Angel? Someone from
London called for you.
ANGEL scowls back at him, chewing gum, armed to the teeth.
DESK SERGEANT (cont’d)
I’ll tell them you’ll ring ’em
back.
ANGEL nods and walks out. The DESK SERGEANT watches him go.
DESK SERGEANT (cont’d)
That’s funny.
VOICE (O.S.}
What’s that?
DESK SERGEANT
I didn’t know we had a mounted
division.
The voice’s owner joins DESK SERGEANT in peering after
ANGEL.
It’s his curly haired twin brother.
THE OTHER DESK SERGEANT
Nobody tells me nothing.
EXT. STREET - MORNING
An armed ANGEL trots down the street on a FUCKING HORSE. He
rides past a bus shelter where GABRIEL WEAVER and the
HOODIES sit in their usual formation, albeit in school
uniform. They stare at ANGEL, their young mouths agape.
ANGEL
Wanna do something useful?
ANGEL throws a holdall to GABRIEL. It’s full of spray cans.
129.
INT. STATION/CCTV OFFICE - MORNING
WEAVER reads the paper and daintily eats ice cream. He does
not see the CCTV screens slowly turn black behind him.
EXT. HIGH STREET - MORNING
Sandford. As it was that first morning. Idyllic, bustling,
happy. Among the morning folk we see smiling NWA members
going about their business as if nothing has happened.
We see WORKMEN putting up a banner across the middle of the
street reading ’GOOD LUCK SANDFORD: VILLAGE OE THE YEAR’.
ANNETTE ROPER is putting out a display in front of her shop.
Her walkie-talkie crackles to life.
RADIO VOICE
Annette, that new policeman’s back.
INT. CCTV ROOM - MORNING
WEAVER hears this RADIO message and finally realises that
all his precious CCTV cameras have been sprayed black.
INT. SURGERY - MORNING
DR. HATCHER peers through his surgery window, his eyes wide.
ANGEL is re[U+FB02]ected passing on horse back.
EXT. STREET - MORNING
JOYCE COOPER waters the hanging baskets outside the hotel,
she spots ANGEL riding up the middle of the high street.
The PORTERS peer out of the Crown, mouths agape.
REV. SHOOTER is talking to the understudies GREG and SHEREE.
All three stop and stare. AMANDA PAVER skids to a stop on
her bicycle and gawps. MR. TREACHER in his heavy coat looks
on in terror.
SKINNER and his staff stare from the window of SUMMERAISLES.
DANNY is sat in the squad car in the usual parking spot. He
sees ANGEL and is terrified, not knowing what to do.
130.
INT. STATION - MORNING
WEAVER bursts into FRANK’s office, panic stricken. FRANK
looks up. His cheery expression dissipates immediately.
FRANK
Angel.
EXT. SQUARE - MORNING
The village has come to a stop. The NWA watch as ANGEL
dismounts. Beads of sweat glisten. Eyes [U+FB02]ick this way
and that. The ordinary folk are unnerved by the hush.
ANGEL
Morning.
MR. TREACHER [U+FB02]ings open his winter coat revealing a
shot gun. ANGEL dives behind the fountain just as he fires.
The village erupts into chaos. The innocent run for cover.
The NWA mobilise. The PORTERS scurry inside. DR. HATCHER
emerges from his surgery with a number of guns.
ANNETTE ROPER runs into her shop. Moments later an upper
window smashes and the barrel of a gun protrudes.
DANNY sits in the car, his face a mixture of awe and panic.
ANGEL takes a look at MR. TREACHER’s position. He is
standing next to a truck loaded with BEER BARRELS. ANGEL
jumps up and fires blasting the catch holding the BEER
BARRELS in place. They tumble off the back of the truck,
knocking TREACHER off his feet.
ANGEL is pinned down by fire from ANNETTE ROPER. He looks up
to see ROPER’S gun poking out of her shop.
ANGEL sees the HOODIES hiding behind a car. He motions to
the newsagent. The HOODIES stampede into the shop. The door
slams. We see the notice; "ONLY ONE CHILD AT ANY TIME".
In the window, ROPER’S gun is suddenly yanked backwards. We
hear muffied screams and blows.
Shots ring out, a hail of bullets narrowly missing ANGEL.
Pedalling towards him on her cycle, firing a ri[U+FB02]e is
AMANDA PAVER. ANGEL dives out of the line of fire.
DANNY sees AMANDA PAVER in his wing mirror. His face
hardens. He [U+FB02]ings the door wide open and sends AMANDA
PAVER [U+FB02]ying through the air into a crumpled heap.
131.
DANNY runs over to join ANGEL. ANGEL throws him a shotgun.
DANNY catches it in mid air.
ANGEL (cont’d)
That’s what I’m talking about.
Shots ricochet off the fountain. GREG and SHEREE reign fire
on the two officers. ANGEL and DANNY, without a moments
pause, return fire, shooting GREG in his gun hand and SHERRE
in the shoulder. Both fall dramatically.
JOYCE COOPER
Fascist!
JOYCE COOPER opens fire with an antique Winchester. DANNY
dives for cover. ANGEL rolls across the [U+FB02]oor, pulling
two pistols from his belt, still rolling he fires at JOYCE.
One of JOYCE’s hanging baskets drops directly on her head.
ANGEL
Hag!
There’s a piercing yell. ANGEL turns to see BERNARD baring
down fast with the ORNAMENTAL SWORD. ANGEL barely manages to
draw his baton to block the attack. BERNARD swipes, slicing
the baton in half. ANGEL takes out BERNARD’s legs with a
foot sweep. BERNARD crashes down.
Then from behind ANGEL.
REV. SHOOTER
STOP! STOP THIS! Please. Let us put
down our guns. Nicholas, my son,
you may not be a man of god but
surely you’re a man of peace.
ANGEL
Reverend I may not be convinced
about the existence of God but I
know good and evil and I have the
grace to know which is which.
REV. SHOOTER
Oh fuck off Grasshopper!
REV. SHOOTER pulls a pistol from his cassock and fires. The
bullet takes ANGEL by surprise, grazing his shoulder.
DANNY
Nooooooooo!
DANNY returns fire at SHOOTER hitting him in the shoulder.
132.
REV. SHOOTER
Jesus Christ!!!
DANNY runs over to ANGEL who is lying winded in the road.
ANGEL
Still feel like you’re missing out?
CLICK. They turn to see DR. HATCHER pointing a shotgun.
DR. HATCHER
Drop your weapons.
DANNY
Dr. Hatcher wait.
DR. HATCHER
Shut up Danny. I brought you into
this world, it’s rather fitting I
should be the one to take you out
of it. You and your interfering
little friend. Now drop them!
DANNY does so. His shotgun hits the [U+FB02]oor. BLAM! It
fires into HATCHER’s leg. His knee explodes in a shower of
blood.
DR. HATCHER clutches his knee, wailing in pain.
ANGEL
You’re a doctor, deal with
it...motherfucker. Danny, let’s go.
DANNY
What are you thinking exactly?
A shot blasts from the windows of THE CROWN.
ANGEL
Pub?
ANGEL eyes the board outside the pub; reading ’COME ON IN!’
Ratings
Scene 38 - Chaos at The Crown
SMASH. The pub board comes smashing through the window.
The PORTERS fire wildly from behind the bar, before a sign
reading ’TWO SHOOTERS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE’. They stop.
Then - the pub doors [U+FB02]y open. DANNY and ANGEL burst
in, jumping through the air whilst both firing two guns.
133.
They land and roll, grabbing tables to form a barricade. The
PORTERS open fire again. Tables and chairs splinter.
ANGEL pops up and fires at a bear trap on the wall. It falls
and clamps its jaws around ROY PORTER’s head.
MARY PORTER
Roy! Somebody call the police!
FRANK (O.S.}
Reach!
The entire Sandford police burst in, wearing RIOT GEAR and
clutching batons. WALKER holds a growling SAXON on a leash.
FRANK leads them, aiming his ANTIQUE PISTOLS at ANGEL.
FRANK (CONT’D}
Officers, arrest that man. Danny,
step away from the Sergeant.
DANNY
No Dad.
FRANK
Danny, you’ll do as you’re told.
DANNY
No, I’m not taking orders from you
any more.
FRANK
Officers, arrest these men!
ANGEL
You can arrest us if you want. You
can throw us in prison and go back
to being blind, submissive slaves.
CARTWRIGHT
What the fuck is he on about?
WAINWRIGHT
What the fuck are you on about?
ANGEL
Have you ever wondered why the
crime rate in Sandford is so low
and the accident rate so high?
FISHER
No. Yes. What?
134.
ANGEL
You’ve been brain washed Sergeant
into naivety by an old man with a
murderous obsession and it’s time
you opened your eyes to the truth.
FRANK
This is ridiculous.
DANNY
No, it’s not Dad. It’s very
unridiculous. And it’s only now
that I’m starting to realise how
unridiculous it all is.
FRANK
Silence Danny! Think of your
mother.
DANNY
Mum’s dead and for the first time
in my life, I’m glad. Because even
though she loved this village more
than anything if she could see what
you’ve become, she’d kill herself
all over again.
DORIS THATCHER
Sorry, I’m completely lost.
ANGEL
Sandford is a lie Doris. For the
last twenty years the village has
been controlled by Frank and the
NWA. They’ve lulled you into
thinking this is a perfect village
by killing anyone who threatened to
change that.
SAXON stops growling. BOB WALKER pipes up.
WALKER
Recconneeegottsumadere.
DANNY
He says he ’reckons you got
something there’.
ANGEL
I know. Thanks.
135.
WALKER/DANNY
S’alroight.
FRANK rounds on the officers, raising his pistols at them.
FRANK
You’re not seriously going to
believe this man are you? Are you?!
He’s not even from round here.
The officers look on in confused disbelief at the manic
FRANK, who realises he is brandishing his weapons.
WAINWRIGHT
Maybe it’s time to give it up sir.
FRANK
You ignorant flatfoots!
FRANK snaps, shooting his pistols up in the air. He hits a
rustic light fitting, which crashes to the ground.
ANGEL and the other officers dive out of the way, as glass
explodes across the main bar. Everyone scatters.
In the confusion, FRANK makes a bid for freedom through the
back of the pub. ANGEL jumps up. The other officers stare
after FRANK, then look to ANGEL, their new leader.
ANGEL
Let’s go.
DANNY
Aren’t we gonna go after dad?
ANGEL
He’ll come round again.
DANNY
Well, who else is there?
ANGEL
Want anything from the shop?
FLASHCUTS; the police tool up, cuff people. PC WALKER and
SAXON guard the already incapacitated NWA members. ROY
PORTER still has the bear trap on his head.
136.
Ratings
Scene 39 - Supermarket Showdown
ANGEL leads his new recruits as they approach the car park.
They take cover behind recycling bins, armed and ready.
DANNY
What you thinking?
Before Angel can answer-
FISHR
We should strike now while we have
the element of surprise, the longer
we wait the more time they have to
mobilise. I say we go in through
the front entrance and take the
place aisle by aisle. They won’t be
expecting that.
ANGEL
Very good. What he said.
INT. SUMMERAILES - MORNING
A grim SKINNER and his gormless minions watch the CCTV.
SKINNER
My, my. Here come the fuzz.
EXT. SUMMERAISLES - MORNING
The Sandford police gather near the entrance.
WAINWRIGHT
Maybe they’re not in.
ANGEL
Wait here.
ANGEL goes into SUMMERAISLES through the automatic door.
DORIS THATCHER
We can’t let him go in on his own.
DANNY
He knows what he’s doing.
KRAAASSSHHHH! ANGEL comes [U+FB02]ying through the front
window of the shop and lands in a heap on the ground. He
gets up.
137.
ANGEL
They’re in. You take the shop. I’ll
deal with the trolley boy.
WAINWRIGHT CARTWRIGHT
Eh? Eh?
LURCH strides out of the shop.
WAINWRIGHT CARTWRIGHT
Oh. Oh.
DANNY leads the officers in, as ANGEL faces up to LURCH.
ANGEL (cont’d)
We don’t have to do this Michael.
Is this what you really want?
LURCH
Yarp.
ANGEL
Suit yourself.
ANGEL runs at LUNCH and headbutts him in the face.
INT. SUMMRAISLES - MORNING
The OFFICERS make their way through the supermarket aisles.
WAINWRIGHT peers round a corner. One of the GRUFF BUTCHERS
throws a large meat cleaver. It shatters a tomato sauce jar
next to his head. CARTWRIGHT shrieks, assuming it’s blood.
CARTWRIGHT
Andy!
Meanwhile ANGEL is being swung around by LURCH, his arms
clamped tightly around LURCH’s neck. ANGEL [U+FB02]ailing
legs knock produce off shelves as he clings on tight. LURCH
begins to lose consciousness. He staggers past a ’WET FLOOR’
sign, slips and both fall hard into a chest freezer.
ANGEL scrambles out covered in frost. LURCH is out cold.
ANGEL joins the other officers, who crouch behind shelves as
they shoot at the two GRUEE EUTCHERS.
DANNY
Where’s Lurch?
138.
ANGEL
He’s unconscious in the freezer.
DANNY
Did you say ’cool off’?
ANGEL
No I didn’t say anything.
DANNY
Oh shame.
ANGEL
But you missed a bit earlier when I
distracted him with the monkey,
said ’Playtime’s over’ and hit him
with the Peace Lily.
DANNY
You’re off the fucking chain!
Another cleaver whizzes by, smashing more sauce bottles.
ANGEL
What’s the situation?
WAINWRIGHT
Two blokes and a lot of cutlery.
What do you reckon?
The two GRUFF BUTCHERS wait, knives drawn, ready to throw.
Suddenly a terrific clattering rumble fills the store. A
battering ram comprised of several trollies handcuffed
together bursts into view, hurtling toward the GRUFF
BUTCHERS. The ANDES ride the front of the trolley-ram,
yelling like Vikings.
The trollies crash into the meat counter, knocking the GRUFF
BUTCHERS to the [U+FB02]oor. The ANDES leap off the makeshift
battering ram and deck the [U+FB02]oored bad guys.
A PIERCING SCREAM. The officers turn to see the sluttish
CHECKOUT GIRL running towards them.
DORIS THATCHER grabs the ’WET FLOOR’ sign and slams it into
the CHECKOUT GIRL’s face. She slides across the [U+FB02]oor.
WAINWRIGHT (cont’d)
Nice one Doris.
DORIS THATCHER
Nothing like a bit of girl on girl.
139.
SPLAT! The officers duck for cover. Gangly SHELF STACKERS
appear, throwing a volley of melons and pineapples.
ANGEL
Can you handle this sergeant? We’re
going after the big boss.
FISHER
We’re on it, Sergeant.
ANGEL
Danny, let’s roll.
WAINWEIGHT
Angel! Don’t go being a twat now.
ANGEL
I wouldn’t give you the
satisfaction.
ANGEL and DANNY burst in. The office is deserted, the window
open. They see SKINNER in the car park climbing into a SQUAD
CAR, driven by FRANK.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Let’s get down there.
DANNY
How?
ANGEL
Skip.
ANGEL and DANNY jump through the open window and land in a
skip full of cardboard boxes, as FRANK’s car peels off.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Head ’em off?
DANNY
Fuck yeah.
ANGEL and DANNY sprint down an alley, burst back into the
square and race towards DANNY’s SQUAD CAR.
DANNY (cont’d)
I’ll drive.
ANGEL slides over the bonnet to the passenger side. FRANK’s
car screams past. DANNY gets in and [U+FB02]icks on the
siren.
140.
ANGEL
Punch that shit!
They screech off. Behind them we see the once picturesque
square bullet riddled and blood splattered. The banner
reading ’Village of the Year’ [U+FB02]utters to the ground.
Three official looking types holding clipboards stand
gobsmacked amid the debris.
Ratings
Scene 40 - Chaos in the Miniature Village
FRANK’s car races past a ’KILL YOUR SPEED’ sign.
Behind, ANGEL and DANNY gain on them. They take turns
shooting at FRANK’s car as they go. It’s COP ON COP.
FRANK’s car hits the brow of a hill at 100mph and gets air.
As it hits the road again, SKINNNR spots something.
SKINNER
Swan!
FRANK panics. Swerves. Big mistake. The car careers off the
road and smashes right into a sign for the ’MODEL VILLAGE’.
EXT. MODEL VILLAGE - DAY
A beautiful blue sky. The sun beams down on a perfect vista
of Sandford. The idyllic shot is quickly ruined however as-
A GIGANTIC SQUAD CAR [U+FB02]ies over what we reveal to be a
miniature version of Sandford. A small GINGER HAIRED KID
stares in awe as the SQUAD CAR brie[U+FB02]y blocks out the
sun.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
ANGEL and DANNY’s SQUAD CAR reaches the brow of the hill.
ANGEL
Swan.
DANNY brakes with expert timing. They screech to a stop by
the waddling SWAN. ANGEL opens the door and grabs the SWAN.
141.
EXT. MODEL VILLAGE - DAY
The SWAN now sat in the back seat, DANNY takes the SQUAD CAR
into the Model Village. Ahead is a scene of devastation.
FRANK’s SQUAD CAR lies upturned in a water feature, a
damaged sprinkler rains water down onto the model village.
FRANK is motionless at the wheel.
SKINNER limps away from the crash. ANGEL jumps from the car
and runs toward him. DANNY runs over to his injured father.
SKINNER swipes up the GINGER HAIRED KID and holds a pistol
to his head. ANGEL freezes, stopping dead in his tracks.
SKTNNER
Stay back or the ginger nut gets
it!
The KID thinks fast, sinking his teeth into SKINNER’s hand.
SKINNER
Ow you little fucker!
SKINNER drops the kid. Before he has a chance to recover,
ANGEL pounces and they both crash down into the tiny
village. SKINNER’s pistol skitters down a miniature street.
ANGEL and SKINNER spring back up. The sprinkler rains down
as they trade blows. The low angle in the model village
makes them look like GODZILLA and KING KONG.
ANGEL hits SKINNER twice hard in the face. Reaching out
SKINNER grabs ANGELS’s hand. ANGEL winces in pain. SKINNER
sees he has discovered a weakness and exploits it. He twists
ANGEL’s hand whilst raining blows down on his face.
SKINNER (cont’d)
GET GUT GE MY VILLAGE!
ANGEL straightens himself like T2 and shakes his head.
ANGEL
It’s not your village any more.
WHAM. ANGEL [U+FB02]attens SKINNER with one punch. SKINNER
sprawls across a mini village sguare. ANGEL looks over to
the GINGER KID, who is agog at the coolness of events.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Well done son. What’s your name?
142.
GINGER HAIRED KID
Aaron A. Aaronson.
ANGEL
I’m sorry?
The KID’s eyes go wide. ANGEL spins around. Behind is a
maniacal SKINNER, holding a box cutter knife and running
full pelt at ANGEL through the tiny streets.
SKINNER
Annnnnnnnnnnnnngelllllllll!
SKINNER trips on a model Someraisles truck. His legs slip
from under him, sending him [U+FB02]ying. He spins in the
air.
SPLAT. SKINNER falls hard onto the miniature church roof. A
model turret has embedded itself beneath SKINNER’s chin and
protrudes through his mouth.
ANGEL looks to DANNY who pulls FRANK from the SQUAD CAR.
ANGEL
Danny. It’s over.
SKINNER (0.S.}
Ooowwww.
SKINNER is not actually dead. He speaks, even though his
neck and tongue are now pierced by the turret.
SKINNER
Goooow, thith weally hurth. I can’t
feel my thongue. I’m going to need
thome ice cream.
ANGEL
There’s plenty of ice cream back at
the station. Isn’t there-
ANGEL turns to see FRANK holding a gun to DANNY’s head.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Oh pack it in Frank, you silly
bastard!
FRANK
Now, now Sergeant. We don’t want
any more bloodshed.
143.
DANNY
Dad, don’t do this!
ANGEL
Frank, this whole thing started
because you lost someone you loved.
Don’t expect me to believe you’d
let it end the same way.
FRANK
I’ll tell you how this is going to
end!
He points his gun at ANGEL. DANNY leaps on FRANK wrestling
the gun from him. FRANK sprints off towards ANGEL’s car.
DANNY aims the gun at him and is about to pull the trigger.
He can’t. Instead he points the gun in the air and fires.
DANNY
Aaaaargh!
FRANK jumps in the car and peels off, wheels screeching.
Ratings
Scene 41 - Chaos in Sandford
FRANK looks in his rear view. No one pursues him.
However he is not alone in the car. Behind, the long slender
neck of THE SWAN rears up. FRANK turns. It pounces.
EXT. ROAD - MORNING
ANGEL and DANNY watch as the CAR veers wildly and crashes
into a tree. We hear the sound of distant swan battle.
ANGEL
I feel like I should say something
smart.
DANNY
You don’t have to say anything at
all.
Rehind them cars screech up and the rest of the Sandford
police run over. The two officers look up to see a
METROPOLITAN POLICE HELICOPTER coming to land in a field.
144.
EXT. ROAD - LATER
FRANK sits handcuffed in the back of an ambulance, wearing a
neckbrace.
SKINNER is carried through shot on a stretcher, the model
church spire still sticking through his face. The HOODIES
record this sight on their mobiles.
SKINNER
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
We see the Swan cuffed to a car door by the neck. The OLD
MAN IN A CAP approaches to retrieve him.
ANGEL and DANNY sit with blankets around them. They are
addressed by the three ofificers from the start of the film.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
What do you say Nicholas?
INSPECTOR
We’ve been trying to reach you for
days.
ANGEL
Well I’ve been kind of busy.
SERGEANT
We need you back. The figures have
gone a little squiffy in your
absence it has to be said.
CHIEF INSPECTOR
Come back to London. Sandford’s
hardly fitting for such an
exceptional officer.
ANGEL looks to DANNY, then back at the model Sandford.
ANGEL
Yes, but the thing is sir. I like
it here. Now, if you’ll excuse me,
we have to do a considerable amount
of paperwork.
INT/EXT. STATION - DAY
FASTCUTS of forms being filled, various NWA members
processed; prints, mug shots etc. ROY PORTER still has the
bear trap on his head. He is measured as 7 feet 5 inches.
145.
INT. STATION - DUSK
The entire Sandford force, including both DESK SERGEANTS sit
guietly scribbling away. DANNY is particularly hard at work,
the Peace Lily now has pride of place on his desk.
WATNWRIGHT
Fucking hell Nick, this is going to
take ages.
CARTWRIGHT
Yeah, we’re gonna be here all
night.
FISHER
Good job we’ve got the manpower
isn’t it Andy?
DANNY
Actually, official vocab guidelines
state that we say ’staf[U+FB02]ng’,
not ’manpower’. ’Manpower’s sexist.
ANGEL
You don’t mind a bit of manpower do
you Doris?
DORIS THATCHER
Dirty bastard!
Everyone laughs. Whoops and catcalls fill the office. ANGEL
is for once the office joker.
A WASTEPAPER BASKET hits him hard on the head.
ANGEL
Hey you cheeky fucker!
Another huge laugh. ANGEL grins at DANNY, who appears
suddenly grave. He follows DANNY’s gaze to see TOM WEAVER.
Aiming a BLUNDERBUSS at ANGEL, his face full of hate.
WEAVER
You know what you are? A bloody
busy-body!
WEAVER fires. DANNY lunges at ANGEL, pushing him off his
chair and taking full force of WEAVER’s blast in the chest.
With lightning speed ANGEL slips his feet into a wastepaper
basket and kicks it at WEAVER’s face.
146.
WEAVER staggers back into the evidence ream. He hits the
back shelf. The sea mine teeters, rolls forward and drops
between WEAVER’s legs, narrowly missing his crotch.
WEAVER (cont’d)
Oh thank god.
KA-BOOM. The sea mine gees off. The evidence room door
blasts outwards. ANGEL [U+FB02]ies backwards thrcugh the air.
SANDFORD POLICE STATION EXPLODES.
In the clearing smoke, paperwork [U+FB02]utters to the fioor.
From under the rubble, we see movement. A hedgehog crawls
out, blinking in the light.
Then the Sandford Police Service, blackened but intact,
miraoulcusly get to their feet. A frantic ANGEL hurries over
to find DANNY who lies among the debris, barely alive.
ANGEL
Hold an Danny. Everything’s
alright.
The offieers gather round ANGEL cradling DANNY in his arms.
ANGEL (cont’d)
Everything’s gonna be just fine.
Ratings
Scene 42 - A New Chapter in Sandford
CAPTION - ’One Year Later’. We see ANGEL leaving a cottage
and walk by a garden yath.
We see ANGEL, now an Inspector, suiting up at the station.
His uniform is different however. It’s more modern. Cooler.
He is else armed with an automatic revolver.
ANGEL strolls down a station corridor. Familiar looking
brightly coloured notices are pinned all around the walls.
ANGEL walks out of the newly built station, and gets into
his new SQUAD CAR. It’s mere modern. Cooler.
ANGEL drives along, his passenger seat conspicuously empty.
He passes a skate yark where GABRIEL WEAVER and friends
congregate, their heeds down. His mobile rings. He answers.
ANGEL
Okay. Give me a minute.
ANGEL comes out of the florists, now called LESLIE’S GARDEN,
with a bouquet of [U+FB02]owers and gets into his car.
147.
He walks through the graveyard to a single headstone. We see
that it reads BUTTERMAN.
ANGEL (CONT’D)
Are these okay?
VOICE (O.S.)
Yeah they’re lovely.
DANNY is revealed, standing next to ANGEL. He kneels down
and places the [U+FB02]owers on a grave. ANGEL steps back,
revealing the full headstone. It reads, ’IRENE BUTTERMAN’.
INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
DANNY and ANGEL are in their car. The radic crackles.
DORIS THATCHER (0.S.)
Any officers near the church?
ANGEL
Go ahead Doris.
DORIS TRATCHER (0.S.)
Chief, we’ve had a report of some
hippy types messin’ with the
recycle bins at the supermarket.
ANGEL
Leave it with us. Sergeant
Butterman. Little hand says it’s
time to rock and roll.
DANNY
Bring the noise.
We cut to the exterior of the SQUAD CAR. ANGEL pulls a
spectacular handbrake turn, spinning the car 180 degrees.
Accelerating with a roar, the car hurtles towards us,
filling the frame.
CRASH TO BLACK
Ratings
Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:
Character | Arc | Critique | Suggestions |
---|---|---|---|
nicholas angel |
|
While Nicholas Angel's character arc presents a compelling journey from rigidity to adaptability, it risks becoming predictable. His initial resistance to change is a common trope, and the resolution may feel rushed if not adequately developed. The contrast between his serious nature and the village's laid-back attitude is a strong foundation for humor and conflict, but it needs to be explored more deeply to avoid clichés. | To improve Nicholas's character arc, consider introducing more nuanced challenges that force him to confront his beliefs about duty and community. Incorporating subplots that highlight his interactions with specific villagers could deepen his relationships and provide opportunities for growth. Additionally, allowing for moments of vulnerability where he questions his choices could make his transformation more relatable and impactful. Finally, ensure that his resolution feels earned by gradually building his connections with the villagers throughout the screenplay. |
angel |
|
While Angel's character arc is compelling, showcasing his growth from a rigid officer to a more adaptable one, it could benefit from deeper emotional exploration. The screenplay could delve into his internal struggles and vulnerabilities, providing a clearer understanding of what drives his commitment to the law. Additionally, the contrast between his serious nature and the village's eccentricities could be further emphasized to enhance the comedic elements of the story. |
|
frank |
|
Frank's character arc is compelling, as it showcases the duality of his personality. However, the transition from a light-hearted officer to a manipulative figure may feel abrupt without sufficient buildup. The screenplay could benefit from more gradual hints of his darker motivations throughout the early scenes to create a smoother transition. | To improve Frank's character arc, consider incorporating subtle foreshadowing of his darker side in the early acts. This could include moments where his humor masks discomfort or hints of manipulation in his interactions with others. Additionally, providing more backstory on his personal vendetta could deepen the audience's understanding of his motivations, making his eventual choices more impactful. |
danny |
|
While Danny's character arc effectively showcases his growth from a naive and playful officer to a more courageous and morally aware individual, there are moments where his naivety can feel overly exaggerated. This could risk undermining the seriousness of the narrative and the stakes involved in the investigation. Additionally, his relationship with Angel could be further developed to highlight the mentor-mentee dynamic, providing more depth to their interactions and Danny's growth. | To improve Danny's character arc, consider incorporating more nuanced moments that showcase his internal struggle and moral dilemmas. This could involve scenes where he faces the consequences of his naivety, forcing him to confront the realities of policing. Additionally, enhancing the mentor-mentee relationship with Angel could provide opportunities for Danny to learn valuable lessons, making his growth feel more organic. Finally, balancing his comedic elements with moments of vulnerability could create a more well-rounded character, allowing the audience to connect with his journey on a deeper level. |
skinner | Skinner begins as a seemingly charming and witty store manager, using his humor and manipulation to maintain control over the community. As the protagonist, Angel, begins to uncover his true nature, Skinner's calm facade starts to crack, revealing his cunning and ruthless ambition. His arc culminates in a dramatic confrontation where his desperation leads to reckless decisions, resulting in his downfall. By the end of the feature, Skinner transforms from a confident antagonist to a defeated figure, showcasing the consequences of his manipulative actions. | While Skinner's character is well-defined with a clear progression from charm to desperation, his motivations could be further explored to add depth. The transition from a calm manipulator to a maniacal antagonist feels abrupt and could benefit from more gradual escalation. Additionally, his interactions with other characters could be expanded to highlight his relationships and the impact of his actions on the community. | To improve Skinner's character arc, consider incorporating moments that reveal his vulnerabilities or past experiences that shaped his manipulative nature. This could create a more nuanced antagonist that audiences can understand, if not sympathize with. Additionally, adding scenes that showcase his interactions with other characters, particularly those who challenge his authority, could enhance the tension and provide a clearer contrast between his calm demeanor and the chaos he ultimately creates. Gradually increasing the stakes and consequences of his actions throughout the screenplay would also help to build a more compelling narrative arc. |
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:
Pattern | Explanation |
---|---|
Humor as a Consistent Tone | Humorous tone is present in almost every scene, suggesting a comedic or lighthearted overall narrative. |
Humor and High Stakes Coexist | Despite the prevalent humor, the screenplay consistently maintains high stakes, creating a unique balance between levity and tension. |
Dialogue Strength Fluctuates with Emotional Impact | Scenes with higher emotional impact generally have stronger dialogue, suggesting a focus on character development and emotional expression. |
Character Changes Drive the Plot | Scenes with significant character changes tend to move the plot forward effectively. This highlights the importance of character arcs in driving the narrative. |
Suspense Builds Towards Climax | The presence of suspense increases significantly in the latter half of the screenplay, culminating in a tense and dramatic climax. |
Dark Humor Emerges in High-Stakes Moments | The use of dark humor becomes more prominent in scenes with high stakes, potentially adding a layer of complexity to the emotional landscape. |
Intense Moments Are Highly Rewarding | Intense scenes consistently receive high grades across all elements, suggesting a strong impact on the audience. |
Writer's Craft Overall Analysis
The screenplay demonstrates a strong command of humor, action, and character dynamics, effectively engaging the audience through witty dialogue and compelling narratives. The writer showcases a unique voice and style, blending genres such as comedy, drama, and mystery. However, there are opportunities for improvement in areas such as character depth, pacing, and the complexity of conflicts.
Key Improvement Areas
Suggestions
Type | Suggestion | Rationale |
---|---|---|
Book | 'Save the Cat!' by Blake Snyder | This book provides valuable insights into structuring and pacing a screenplay, which can enhance the writer's craft and improve overall narrative flow. |
Screenplay | Read screenplays by Shane Black, such as 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang' or 'Lethal Weapon' | These screenplays exemplify the blend of humor, action, and character dynamics, offering inspiration for crafting engaging dialogue and complex characters. |
Video | Watch interviews with Edgar Wright discussing his writing process | These interviews provide insights into effectively blending humor, action, and emotional depth in screenwriting, which can inform the writer's approach. |
Exercise | Practice writing dialogue-only scenes to focus on character voice and interaction.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise will help improve the writer's ability to create distinct character voices and develop engaging dialogue. |
Exercise | Write scenes with conflicting character goals to enhance tension and complexity.Practice In SceneProv | Creating scenes with conflicting motivations can deepen character interactions and elevate the stakes in the narrative. |
Exercise | Analyze and rewrite a scene from a favorite film or screenplay to improve pacing and structure.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise will help the writer understand effective scene construction and apply those techniques to their own work. |
Stories Similar to this one
Story | Explanation |
---|---|
Hot Fuzz | This screenplay is a direct precursor to 'Hot Fuzz,' which features a similar protagonist, Nicholas Angel, who is a dedicated police officer facing the challenges of a small village. Both stories explore themes of exceptionalism versus mediocrity in law enforcement, with a blend of humor and action. |
Shaun of the Dead | Also directed by Edgar Wright, this film shares a similar comedic tone and character dynamics. Both films feature ordinary characters facing extraordinary situations, with a mix of humor and horror, and a focus on community interactions. |
The Office (UK) | The mockumentary style and character-driven humor in 'The Office' resonate with the comedic elements of the screenplay. Both feature a workplace setting where the protagonist navigates quirky colleagues and absurd situations, highlighting the contrast between ambition and mediocrity. |
Parks and Recreation | This TV show features a dedicated public servant, Leslie Knope, who faces challenges in a small town. The blend of humor, community engagement, and the protagonist's struggle against bureaucratic indifference mirrors the dynamics in the screenplay. |
The Nice Guys | This film features a mismatched duo of detectives solving a mystery in a comedic fashion. The blend of action, humor, and character development, along with the investigation of a seemingly idyllic setting hiding darker secrets, parallels the screenplay's narrative. |
Midsomer Murders | This long-running British TV series features a detective solving murders in a picturesque village, often uncovering dark secrets beneath the surface. The small-town setting and the juxtaposition of charm with crime are similar to the screenplay's themes. |
The Heat | This buddy cop film features a serious officer paired with a more laid-back counterpart, similar to Angel and Danny's dynamic. The blend of action and comedy, along with the exploration of police work, resonates with the screenplay's tone. |
Brooklyn Nine-Nine | This comedy series focuses on a group of detectives in a precinct, showcasing their interactions and investigations. The humor, camaraderie, and character development reflect the dynamics present in the screenplay. |
Fargo | This film combines dark humor with crime and features a small-town setting where ordinary people become embroiled in extraordinary events. The blend of quirky characters and a murder mystery aligns with the screenplay's narrative. |
Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay
Trope | Trope Details | Trope Explanation |
---|---|---|
The Overqualified Newcomer | ||
Small Town with Dark Secrets | ||
The Buddy Cop | ||
The Straight Man | ||
The Mentor | ||
The Love Interest | ||
The Comic Relief | ||
The Unlikely Hero | ||
The Final Showdown |
Theme | Theme Details | Themee Explanation | ||||||||||||
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
The Clash of Cultures | The story centers on Nicholas Angel, a highly skilled London police officer who is transferred to the small, seemingly peaceful village of Sandford. His exceptional policing methods clash with the village's laid-back, complacent approach to law enforcement, creating constant friction and comedic misunderstandings. | This theme explores the contrast between urban and rural life, highlighting the different values, priorities, and ways of life that exist in each environment. It examines how individuals from different backgrounds adapt to unfamiliar situations and challenge established norms. | ||||||||||||
Strengthening The Clash of Cultures:
| ||||||||||||||
The Illusion of Tranquility | Sandford is initially presented as a charming, idyllic village with a low crime rate. However, beneath the surface lies a dark secret – a sinister organization known as the Neighborhood Watch Alliance (NWA) is responsible for manipulating events and covering up crimes to maintain the illusion of peace. The story unravels this deception, revealing the true nature of the village and its inhabitants. | This theme highlights the danger of complacency and the importance of questioning appearances. It explores how seemingly idyllic communities can harbor hidden agendas and dark secrets, and the consequences of blindly trusting authority figures. | ||||||||||||
The Importance of Community | The story emphasizes the importance of community in maintaining order and justice. While the NWA seeks to control the village through fear and manipulation, Angel eventually rallies the true community to stand against them, showcasing the power of collective action and the importance of individual responsibility. | This theme explores the power of community in combating injustice and the importance of individuals coming together to support each other and fight for what is right. It contrasts the manipulative and self-serving actions of the NWA with the genuine bonds and shared values of the true community. | ||||||||||||
The Nature of Conformity and Rebellion | Angel, a non-conformist outsider, struggles to adjust to the village's culture of mediocrity and acceptance of the status quo. He challenges the NWA's control and seeks to expose their corruption, ultimately rebelling against the village's enforced complacency. | This theme explores the conflict between individuality and conformity, highlighting the pressures to conform to societal expectations and the courage it takes to challenge the status quo. It examines the consequences of both conformity and rebellion, demonstrating the importance of personal integrity and the pursuit of justice. | ||||||||||||
The Power of Individuality | Despite facing opposition and ridicule from the villagers, Angel remains committed to his values and his duty to uphold justice. His determination and unwavering commitment to his principles ultimately inspire others to stand up for what is right, demonstrating the power of one individual to make a difference. | This theme emphasizes the importance of individual action and the potential for one person to inspire change. It highlights the transformative power of courage, integrity, and the pursuit of justice, even in the face of adversity. |
Screenwriting Resources on Themes
Articles
Site | Description |
---|---|
Studio Binder | Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters |
Coverfly | Improving your Screenplay's theme |
John August | Writing from Theme |
YouTube Videos
Title | Description |
---|---|
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics | Screenwriting basics - beginner video |
What is theme | Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay. |
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script | Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts |
Voice Analysis | |
---|---|
Summary: | The writer's voice is a unique blend of sharp wit, dry humor, and a subtle yet potent blend of seriousness and lightheartedness. They use witty dialogue and quirky characters to create a charmingly absurd world, but the screenplay never shies away from exploring darker themes and conflicts. The writer expertly balances moments of comedic relief with instances of tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged while simultaneously offering a nuanced commentary on societal dynamics and the complexities of human nature. |
Voice Contribution | The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a distinct and memorable tone that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. The witty dialogue adds humor and charm to the story, while the darker themes and conflicts add depth and complexity. This balance between humor and seriousness allows the writer to explore a variety of topics, including the absurdity of small-town life, the importance of community, the nature of justice, and the consequences of unchecked ambition. The writer's use of quirky characters and unique settings also contributes to the overall mood and atmosphere of the screenplay. |
Best Representation Scene | 9 - Pints and Past Tales |
Best Scene Explanation | This scene encapsulates the writer's unique voice through its blend of witty dialogue, quirky characters, and a contrast between serious and lighthearted themes. The scene establishes the tone of the screenplay, showcasing the dynamic between Angel's serious demeanor and the light-heartedness of his colleagues. The dialogue is sharp and memorable, with lines like 'You guys have low expectations' perfectly capturing Angel's frustration with the village's laid-back attitude. |
- Overall originality score: 8.5
- Overall originality explanation: The screenplay presents a fresh and engaging take on the police procedural genre by blending humor, dark comedy, and character-driven storytelling. It effectively subverts traditional tropes, such as the 'new cop in town' and 'small-town mystery,' by incorporating quirky characters, unexpected plot twists, and a unique setting that enhances the narrative's originality. The authenticity of the dialogue and character interactions further contributes to its originality, making it stand out in the genre.
- Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay are the humorous yet darkly comedic interactions between the protagonist and the eccentric villagers, the unexpected use of unconventional weapons like a cuddly monkey and a pot plant during confrontations, and the revelation of a sinister conspiracy among the townspeople to maintain their idyllic facade, which culminates in a chaotic and action-packed climax.
- Overall unpredictability score: 7.5
- Overall unpredictability explanation: The screenplay maintains a level of unpredictability through its blend of comedic elements and serious themes, as well as the unexpected twists in character motivations and plot developments. The introduction of a cloaked figure and the eventual revelation of a conspiracy among the villagers keep the audience guessing about the true nature of the events. However, some elements, such as the classic 'new cop' storyline and the eventual confrontation with the antagonist, may follow familiar patterns, slightly reducing the overall unpredictability.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict | |
---|---|
internal Goals | Throughout the script, the protagonist evolves from seeking recognition and proficiency as a police officer to grappling with his integrity and moral compass in the face of escalating challenges in a small village. His goals shift from wanting to prove his worth and maintain order, to ultimately confronting the moral dilemmas posed by a corrupt local system, while maintaining his dedication to justice. |
External Goals | Externally, the protagonist's goals evolve from resisting a transfer to a rural location and proving himself against the skepticism of colleagues, to actively investigating the mysterious deaths and ultimately confronting the village's corrupt elements. His external objectives transition from basic law enforcement tasks to taking down a conspiracy that undermines the integrity of his role as a police officer. |
Philosophical Conflict | The overarching philosophical conflict involves the protagonist's struggle between the need for personal safety and the obligation to uphold justice. He navigates institutional conformity, moral integrity, and the pressure to conform to local customs versus his commitment to law enforcement. This conflict deeply impacts his character arc, forcing him to confront uncomfortable truths about duty, community loyalty, and the meaning of justice. |
Character Development Contribution: The protagonist's evolution of goals underscores his journey from a rigid adherence to police protocols to a more nuanced understanding of justice, ultimately growing into a leader who must balance personal ethics with community expectations. This development enriches his character, showing resilience and adaptability in the face of conflicting values.
Narrative Structure Contribution: The interplay of internal and external goals, coupled with philosophical conflicts, drives the narrative forward, creating tension and stakes. This structure allows for character interactions that highlight the protagonist's changing dynamics with both colleagues and the community, thereby building toward a climax that challenges his beliefs and ethical standards.
Thematic Depth Contribution: The conflict between individual integrity and communal values provides thematic depth, exploring notions of justice, moral sacrifice, and the complexity of human relationships within law enforcement. These layers create a rich narrative tapestry that critiques both the personal and systemic challenges of policing in a small community.
Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict
Articles
Site | Description |
---|---|
Creative Screenwriting | How Important Is A Character’s Goal? |
Studio Binder | What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict |
YouTube Videos
Title | Description |
---|---|
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict | How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode. |
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great | By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes |
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals | By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy? |
- Physical environment: The screenplay primarily takes place in the small, idyllic village of Sandford, Gloucestershire, which contrasts starkly with the modern, bustling city environment of London. Sandford is depicted as a quaint and charming village with a traditional feel, featuring pubs, churches, farms, a local supermarket, a police station, and a theatre. The village is surrounded by beautiful countryside, with rolling hills, lush fields, and quaint cottages. However, beneath the picturesque facade, the village is also shrouded in mystery and danger, with a dark underbelly that is gradually revealed as the story progresses.
- Culture: Sandford has a strong sense of community, with close-knit relationships between residents, a shared history, and traditions. The village is also marked by its unique cultural practices, such as the annual church fete, the amateur dramatics club, and the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance. These elements contribute to the village's sense of identity and cohesion, but they also serve as a facade for the sinister undercurrents that lie beneath the surface.
- Society: The societal structure of Sandford is hierarchical, with a clear power structure that is dictated by the local police force and the influence of the village's wealthy residents. However, the village is also characterized by a sense of conformity and obedience, where everyone knows their place and there is a fear of defying the established order. The screenplay explores the dynamics of power, obedience, and rebellion within this small, seemingly idyllic community.
- Technology: The technology in Sandford is limited, reflecting the village's traditional values. Although there are modern elements like mobile phones and computers, the village relies heavily on more traditional forms of communication, like landline phones, radios, and handwritten notes. This technological gap creates a sense of isolation and reinforces the feeling that Sandford is a place where time has stood still.
- Characters influence: The unique world of Sandford shapes the characters' experiences and actions in numerous ways. The village's idyllic façade and the underlying darkness create a sense of unease and suspicion for Nicholas Angel, who is used to a more straightforward approach to law enforcement. The close-knit community, with its secrets and hidden agendas, presents Angel with a challenge unlike anything he has encountered before, forcing him to adapt his methods and strategies. The characters in Sandford, both the residents and the police officers, are influenced by the village's culture, traditions, and power dynamics, which ultimately contribute to their actions and motivations.
- Narrative contribution: The world-building of Sandford serves as a central driving force for the narrative, creating a compelling setting for the clash between Angel's modern policing methods and the village's antiquated ways. The mystery surrounding the village's idyllic façade and the hidden secrets of its residents drive the plot forward, leading to a series of suspenseful events and revelations. The contrast between the village's outward appearance and its inner darkness creates a sense of intrigue and suspense, keeping the audience engaged throughout the story.
- Thematic depth contribution: The world-building of Sandford contributes significantly to the screenplay's thematic depth. The village represents a microcosm of society, where the pursuit of a seemingly perfect and idyllic existence comes at a cost. The screenplay explores themes of conformity, obedience, rebellion, and the price of secrecy. The characters in Sandford are forced to confront their own values and beliefs, ultimately leading to a clash between the forces of order and chaos. The setting of Sandford allows the screenplay to delve into the complexities of human nature and the consequences of living in a world where appearances can be deceiving.
central conflict
The central conflict revolves around Police Constable Nicholas Angel's struggle to adapt to a rural policing environment while uncovering a series of mysterious deaths linked to a sinister local conspiracy.
primary motivations
- Nicholas Angel's desire to uphold justice and maintain high standards in policing.
- The villagers' motivation to protect their idyllic community at any cost, even through nefarious means.
- Danny's wish to prove himself and navigate his relationship with his father, Frank.
catalysts
- Angel's transfer to Sandford, which forces him to confront a different policing culture.
- The series of suspicious deaths that prompt Angel to investigate further.
- The revelation of a local conspiracy involving influential villagers.
barriers
- Angel's colleagues' skepticism and reluctance to support his investigations.
- The villagers' loyalty to their community, which complicates Angel's pursuit of justice.
- Frank's authority and influence over the police force, which hinders Angel's efforts.
themes
- The clash between urban and rural policing.
- The nature of community and the lengths people will go to protect it.
- The consequences of mediocrity versus exceptionalism in law enforcement.
stakes
The stakes include the safety of the village, the integrity of the police force, and Angel's career, as he risks everything to expose the truth behind the murders.
uniqueness factor
The story uniquely blends dark comedy with a murder mystery, using a rural setting to explore themes of community and conformity in policing.
audience hook
The main audience hook lies in the combination of humor, action, and the unfolding mystery, keeping viewers engaged as they anticipate Angel's next move.
paradoxical engine or bisociation
The paradoxical story engine is the juxtaposition of Angel's high-octane, city-trained policing style against the quaint, laid-back rural environment, creating tension and humor.
paradoxical engine or bisociation 2
Another bisociation could be the contrast between the idyllic village life and the dark undercurrents of crime, highlighting the duality of appearances versus reality.
Engine: Claude
Recommend
Executive Summary
The screenplay for 'Hot Fuzz' is a well-crafted, genre-blending story that balances comedic elements with an engaging mystery and action-packed sequences. The narrative follows the journey of a talented but overzealous London police officer, Nicholas Angel, who is transferred to the seemingly idyllic village of Sandford. As he uncovers a dark conspiracy within the town's tightly-knit community, the screenplay skillfully navigates between laugh-out-loud humor and intense, suspenseful moments. The strong character arcs, particularly the evolving relationship between Angel and his new partner Danny Butterman, provide emotional depth and drive the story forward. Overall, the screenplay showcases a unique blend of genre tropes, memorable characters, and a compelling central mystery that would appeal to a wide audience.
- The opening sequence effectively establishes the protagonist, Nicholas Angel, as a highly competent and dedicated police officer, setting the stage for his subsequent conflict with the more laidback policing style of Sandford. high ( Scene 1 )
- The scene showcases Angel's determination to uncover the truth, despite the dismissive attitudes of his colleagues, and lays the groundwork for his deeper investigation into the suspicious deaths. high ( Scene 10 (INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY) )
- The sequence where Angel and Danny piece together the connections between the victims and the potential motive behind the crimes demonstrates the screenplay's effective use of detective work and logical reasoning to drive the mystery forward. high ( Scene 29 (INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - DAY) )
- The intense confrontation between Angel and the hulking Lurch showcases the screenplay's ability to balance action sequences with character development, as Angel is forced to rely on his resourcefulness and determination to overcome a physical threat. medium ( Scene 34 (INT. SWAN HOTEL BEDROOM - DUSK) )
- The climactic showdown at the pub, where Angel and Danny stand their ground against the corrupt police force, is a thrilling and well-executed sequence that brings the central conflict to a satisfying resolution. high ( Scene 38 (INT/EXT. THE CROWN - MORNING) )
- The scene featuring the exchange between Angel and Annette Roper could be tightened to maintain the pacing and avoid any potential lulls in the narrative. low ( Scene 12 (INT. NEWSAGENT - DAY) )
- While the over-the-top staging of the Romeo and Juliet production is comedic, the sequence could be shortened to avoid feeling drawn out or repetitive. medium ( Scene 16 (INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER) )
- The screenplay could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing or hints about the larger conspiracy earlier in the narrative, to gradually build the tension and suspense leading up to the climactic reveal. medium
- The screenplay could potentially explore the impact of the events on the wider Sandford community beyond the central characters, providing a more comprehensive view of the story's consequences. low
- While the relationship between Angel and Danny is a key strength, the screenplay could delve deeper into the backstories and motivations of some of the supporting characters, such as the Andes detectives, to further enhance the audience's understanding and investment in the ensemble. medium
- The creative and humorous action sequence involving the makeshift battering ram showcases the screenplay's ability to blend comedic elements with thrilling set pieces. medium ( Scene 20 (EXT. SUMMERAISLES - MORNING) )
- The intense chase sequence between Angel and the mysterious cloaked figure is a well-executed action set piece that heightens the sense of danger and suspense. high ( Scene 31 (INT/EXT. FLORIST/NURSERY - NIGHT) )
- The reveal of the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance's sinister motives and their orchestration of the murders is a well-crafted plot twist that subverts audience expectations and adds depth to the story. high ( Scene 35 (EXT/INT. CASTLE RUINS - NIGHT) )
- Character Development While the central relationship between Angel and Danny is well-developed, the screenplay could potentially explore the backstories and motivations of some of the supporting characters, such as the Andes detectives, in greater depth. Providing more insight into their perspectives and experiences could further enhance the audience's investment in the ensemble. medium
- Pacing The screenplay could benefit from tightening a few sequences, such as the exchange between Angel and Annette Roper in the newsagent and the extended staging of the Romeo and Juliet production, to maintain a consistently engaging pace throughout the narrative. medium
Engine: Gemini
Highly Recommend
Executive Summary
Hot Fuzz is a highly successful and entertaining screenplay that deftly blends action, comedy, and satire. It features a compelling protagonist, engaging supporting characters, and a well-paced plot that balances humor with suspense. The screenplay's strengths lie in its unique blend of genres, sharp dialogue, well-developed characters, and clever satire, making it a highly entertaining and memorable film.
- The screenplay masterfully blends action, comedy, and satire, creating a unique and engaging experience for the audience. This is evident in scenes like the initial transfer of Angel to Sandford, his first encounter with the village pub, the initial meeting with the other officers, and the development of his relationship with Danny, where each scene provides both humor and a sense of escalating tension. high ( Scene 2 Scene 6 Scene 7 Scene 9 Scene 14 )
- The screenplay features sharp, witty dialogue that is both funny and insightful. This is evident in the initial conversations between Angel and his superiors, his interactions with Janine, and his evolving relationship with Danny. high ( Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 12 Scene 17 )
- The screenplay features well-developed characters with clear motivations and distinct personalities. Angel's transition from a by-the-book city cop to a more relaxed, yet ultimately determined, rural officer is particularly well-crafted. The supporting characters, such as Danny, Frank, and the Andes, are also engaging and memorable. high ( Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 8 Scene 10 Scene 11 )
- The screenplay effectively utilizes a variety of comedic techniques, including physical humor, wordplay, and satire, to create a highly entertaining and memorable viewing experience. This is evident in scenes like Angel's initial arrival in Sandford, his encounter with the shoplifter, and the climax at the village pub. medium ( Scene 5 Scene 13 Scene 15 Scene 20 Scene 28 )
- The screenplay is well-paced, balancing humor, suspense, and action effectively. This is evident in the build-up to the reveal of the NWA's true nature, Angel's investigation, and the final showdown at the village pub. medium ( Scene 29 Scene 30 Scene 31 Scene 32 Scene 33 )
- While the screenplay features a strong sense of escalation and a satisfying climax, some sections in the final act, particularly those involving the NWA's confrontation and the reveal of Frank's motivations, feel a bit rushed and could be expanded upon. The script could benefit from providing more depth and nuance to these crucial elements. medium ( Scene 34 Scene 35 Scene 36 Scene 37 Scene 38 )
- The ending feels a bit abrupt. While it's funny, it lacks a more substantial and satisfying resolution to the conflict, particularly with regard to the NWA's fate and Angel's decision to remain in Sandford. The script could benefit from a more detailed resolution, perhaps highlighting the broader impact of the NWA's actions and Angel's continued efforts to maintain order in the village. medium ( Scene 41 )
- The screenplay could benefit from further exploration of Angel's character arc. While his initial transition to Sandford and his relationship with Danny are well-developed, the script could provide more insight into his motivations for staying in the village, his evolving relationship with his superiors, and the internal struggle he faces in dealing with the corruption he encounters. medium ( Scene 3 Scene 12 Scene 30 Scene 35 )
- The screenplay effectively utilizes character development to drive the plot forward. Angel's initial clashes with the Sandford police force and his growing friendship with Danny create a compelling dynamic and provide a catalyst for the escalating events in the story. high ( Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 8 Scene 10 Scene 11 )
- The screenplay is visually dynamic and features several memorable sequences. The reveal of Webley's arsenal, Angel's chase of the shoplifter, and the climactic showdown at the village pub are particularly well-executed and contribute to the overall enjoyment of the film. medium ( Scene 19 Scene 21 Scene 23 Scene 32 Scene 35 )
- The screenplay effectively uses montage sequences to condense time and convey information succinctly. This is particularly effective in scenes like Angel's transfer to Sandford, his initial observations of the village, and the montage of his research on the NWA's activities. medium ( Scene 1 Scene 12 Scene 28 Scene 33 Scene 35 )
- Thematic Blind Spot The screenplay, while effective in its satire, could have further explored the thematic underpinnings of the story. For example, it could delve deeper into the societal critique of conformity, the pressures of small-town life, and the consequences of blind obedience. While these themes are present, they could be more fully developed to create a deeper and more resonant narrative. medium
- Dialogue Clichés While the screenplay's dialogue is generally sharp and witty, there are a few instances where it leans into clichés. For example, the repeated use of phrases like 'Oh, we're not that well covered around George Merchant's' (Sequence 23) and 'People have accidents everyday' (Sequence 29) feels a bit too familiar and could be replaced with more original lines. low
Engine: GPT4
Highly Recommend
Executive Summary
The screenplay for 'Hot Fuzz' is a masterful blend of comedy, action, and satire, showcasing a unique take on the buddy cop genre. It effectively balances humor with a compelling narrative, featuring well-developed characters and a tightly woven plot that critiques rural life and the concept of community. The pacing is brisk, with clever dialogue and visual gags that keep the audience engaged throughout. The character arcs, particularly that of Nicholas Angel, are satisfying and resonate with themes of duty, morality, and belonging.
- The screenplay features strong character development, particularly for Nicholas Angel, who evolves from a dedicated city cop to a more nuanced understanding of community policing. high ( Scene 1 (INT. METROPOLITAN POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK M DAY) Scene 42 (EXT. SANDFORD/VARIOUS - DAY) )
- The pacing is expertly handled, with a mix of action and comedic beats that maintain audience engagement throughout the film. high ( Scene 35 (EXT. SANDFORD CASTLE - NIGHT) )
- The dialogue is sharp and witty, filled with clever wordplay and humor that enhances character interactions and the overall tone. high ( Scene 12 (INT. SWAN HOTEL DINING ROOM - MORNING) )
- The screenplay effectively uses visual storytelling and action sequences to complement the narrative, making it visually engaging. high ( Scene 18 (INT. STATION/C.I.D. OFFICE - DAY) )
- The film's unique blend of genres—action, comedy, and thriller—creates a fresh take on the buddy cop formula, appealing to a wide audience. high ( Scene 40 (EXT. SANDFORD STREETS - DAY) )
- Some scenes could benefit from tighter editing to enhance the flow and maintain momentum, particularly in the early acts. medium ( Scene 4 (INT. GROUNE FLOOR ESTATE FLAT - DAY) )
- While the humor is generally effective, a few jokes may feel forced or overly reliant on clichés, which could be refined. medium ( Scene 19 (INT. SQUAD CAR - DAY) )
- There could be more exploration of the supporting characters' backgrounds to deepen the audience's connection to them. medium ( Scene 10 (INT. ANGEL’S OFFICE - DAY) )
- The film's ability to blend humor with serious themes of community and morality is a notable strength, providing depth to the narrative. high ( Scene 30 (INT. STATION - EVENING) )
- Character Motivation Some characters, particularly the supporting cast, lack clear motivations that drive their actions, which can lead to confusion about their roles in the plot. medium
- Clichéd Humor Certain jokes and comedic setups feel clichéd or predictable, which could detract from the originality of the screenplay. medium