severance (TV)
Executive Summary
Poster
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Overview
Genres: Drama, Mystery, Thriller, Sci-Fi, Psychological Thriller, Psychological, Dark Comedy, Crime, Science Fiction
Setting: Present day or near future, Unclear, but features an office building, a suburban neighborhood, and a forest
Overview: Severance is a mind-bending thriller about Mark, an employee who undergoes a procedure that severs his memories between his work and personal life. As he uncovers the sinister secrets of his workplace, he must confront his true identity and the choices he's made.
Themes: Identity and Existence, Control and Power, Isolation and Alienation, Choice and Morality, Existential Dread, Grief and Loss, Duality and Paradox
Conflict and Stakes: Mark's struggle to uncover the truth about his past and present, as well as the ethical implications of the severance procedure. The stakes include Mark's identity, his relationship with his colleagues, and the well-being of the overall organization.
Overall Mood: Tense, mysterious, and unsettling, with a sense of paranoia and uncertainty
Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:
- Scene 1: The opening scene, where Mark wakes up on the table in the sterile room, immediately creates a sense of disorientation and unease.
- Scene 5: The scene where Mark is pursued by security guards through the maze of cubicles, is a tense and chaotic sequence that highlights Mark's vulnerability and desperation.
- Scene 12: The scene where Mark watches the tape of his interview with Harmony Cobel, is a pivotal moment that reveals the true nature of the severance procedure and the company's sinister intentions.
Standout Features:
- Unique Hook: The concept of severance, which allows employees to have their work memories surgically separated from their personal memories.
- Plot Twist: The revelation that Mark's decision to undergo severance was not as simple as it seemed and that he had a deeper connection to the company than he initially realized.
- Distinctive Setting: The mysterious and isolated office building where the severance procedure takes place, creating a sense of unease and uncertainty.
- Innovative Idea: The exploration of the ethical implications of the severance procedure and the question of what it means to be truly human.
- Unique Characters: The eccentric and enigmatic characters who work at Lumon, each with their own motivations and secrets.
- Genre Blend: The screenplay blends elements of psychological thriller, science fiction, and dark comedy, creating a unique and captivating cinematic experience.
Comparable Scripts:
- The Matrix
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- The Truman Show
- The Parallax View
- The Prisoner
- The Adjustment Bureau
- Mr. Robot
- Black Mirror: White Christmas
- 1984
- The Game
Writing Style:
The screenplay displays a unique and eclectic blend of writing styles, incorporating elements of suspense, mystery, surrealism, dark humor, and philosophical depth. The scenes often explore complex psychological dynamics, existential themes, and unconventional storytelling techniques.
Style Similarities:
- Charlie Kaufman
- David Lynch
- Christopher Nolan
Pass/Consider/Recommend
Recommend
Explanation: Severance is a highly original and thought-provoking screenplay with strong potential. The concept is unique and engaging, the dialogue is sharp and witty, and the world-building is excellent. However, the pacing could be tightened, and some characters could be further developed. Overall, Severance is a compelling story that is sure to generate interest from audiences and networks.
USP: "Severance" is a captivating and thought-provoking television drama that explores the themes of identity, reality, and the boundaries between work and personal life. With its unique blend of mystery, humor, and existentialism, the series offers a fresh and original perspective on human nature and the modern workplace. Unlike other dramas in the psychological thriller genre, "Severance" stands out with its distinctive characters, innovative storytelling techniques, and its compelling exploration of the psychological and emotional consequences of corporate control and manipulation. Unraveling the secrets of the Lumon Corporation and the enigmatic characters within, "Severance" keeps viewers on the edge of their seats, eager to discover the truth behind the cryptic messages and the sinister motivations that drive the mysterious organization.
Market Analysis
Budget Estimate:Likely between $10-20 million
Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, fans of psychological thrillers, science fiction, and philosophical dramas
Marketability: The screenplay has a unique and intriguing concept, a talented cast, and explores timely and relevant themes. It has the potential to attract a wide audience and generate buzz.
While the screenplay has a strong concept and well-written characters, its unconventional narrative structure and dark themes may limit its appeal to mainstream audiences.
The screenplay's high production value, talented cast, and timely themes could appeal to streaming services and limited theatrical release, ensuring a solid return on investment.
Profit Potential: Likely moderate to high, depending on production costs and marketing effectiveness. The screenplay has the potential to generate revenue through theatrical release, streaming services, and international distribution.
Analysis Criteria Percentiles
What this means: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.
Writer's Voice
Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by sharp and witty dialogue, existential themes, and a blend of humor and mystery, creating a distinct and engaging tone.
Best representation: Scene Scene 12. This scene is the best representation of the writer's voice because it showcases the blend of dark humor, surreal dialogue, and existential themes that define the script. The dialogue is sharp and witty, revealing the characters' inner thoughts and motivations, while the discussion of the job offer and the consequences of accepting it raises questions about morality, identity, and the nature of work.
Memorable Lines:
- Mark: I'm never going to leave here. (Scene 16)
- MARK: What kind of monster am I? Who hits a cat and then drives off to interview for a job no sane person would even want? (Scene 10)
- Mark: I'm being held here. I'm being held against my will. (Scene 2)
- Woman: I want to see my baby! (Scene 7)
- Helly: Because you’re more likely to accept it once they’ve broken you some. (Scene 6)
Characters
Mark:A confused and disoriented man who undergoes the severance procedure and struggles to understand his situation.
Cobel:A small, curt, and well-kept woman who works at Lumon and oversees Mark's severance procedure.
Milchick:A big and brawny man with dainty glasses who works at Lumon and assists Cobel in Mark's severance procedure.
Irving Bailiff:A 65-year-old heavyset and bald man with a childlike demeanor who works at Lumon alongside Mark.
Helly Riggs:A young woman who works at Lumon alongside Mark and is initially skeptical of the severance procedure.
Story Shape
Screenplay Story Analysis
Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
| Story Content | Character Development | Scene Elements | Audience Engagement | Technical Aspects | |||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Click for Full Analysis | Tone | Overall Grade | Concept | Plot | Originality Score | Characters | Internal Goal | External Goal | Conflict | Story forward | Twist | Emotional Impact | Dialogue | Engagement | Pacing | Formatting | Structure | ||||
| 1 - The Inqusition | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Intense | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
| 2 - Mark's Escape | Suspenseful, Intense, Confused, Serious | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 3 - Mark's Morning Misadventures | Mysterious, Suspenseful, Intriguing, Dark | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 4 - Irving's Secret Hobby | Mysterious, Intriguing, Suspenseful | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 5 - Mark's Initiation | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Tense, Intriguing | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 6 - The Restroom Encounter | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Dark, Humorous | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 7 - Mark's Storage Closet Ascent | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Tense | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | |
| 8 - Mark's Discovery | Mysterious, Tense, Confused, Intriguing | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 9 - Mark's Dilemma | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Intense, Melancholic | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 10 - The Cat Incident | Anxious, Confused, Regretful | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 11 - Death of Innocence | Tense, Mysterious, Confrontational | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 12 - The Pickle | Intense, Dark, Intriguing, Unsettling | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 13 - Severance Offer | Dark, Intense, Disturbing, Mysterious | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 14 - A Dismissed Claim | Intriguing, Suspenseful, Dark, Mysterious | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 15 - The Decision | Suspenseful, Mysterious, Intense, Intriguing | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 16 - Confrontation in the Hallways | Mysterious, Dark, Intense, Surreal | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
Scene 1 - The Inqusition
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 7
- Dialogue: 8
"MISTER"
Written by
Dan Erickson
Benjamin Blake
Freyadog Entertainment
Benjamin@freyadog.com
(310) 498-8689
INT. BOARD ROOM. DAY.
A NAKED MAN lies face up, unconscious on a large oak table.
The room around him is comfortable but sterile. There are no
windows and the only light buzzes from the florescent panels
above. Pastel prints line the beige walls.
This is MARK, mid 30’s. He’s tall and thin, his hair neatly
combed, his breath slow but even.
Suddenly, Mark’s eyes shoot open and he bolts to a sitting
position. He gasps as his eyes dart around the room.
For a very long moment, all is quiet.
MARK
Hello?
He tries to get to his knees but they give way and he tumbles
off the table.
Shakily, he moves toward the door. He tries to open it, but
it’s locked solidly.
He turns back to the room.
MARK (CONT’D)
Where the hell am I!?
At the far end of the table is mounted a small, black
Intercom. It clicks on, emitting a MAN’S VOICE.
MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?
MARK
What?
MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?
MARK
I- Who the hell are you?
Brief pause.
MAN’S VOICE
I’m sorry, sir. I got ahead of
myself.
MARK
What is this place? Open the damn
door!
2.
MAN’S VOICE
Do you have a few moments to take a
quick survey?
MARK
What?
MAN’S VOICE
Six questions. I feel confident it
will benefit us both.
MARK
Wha- No! Let me the hell out of
this room!
MAN’S VOICE
Okay, thank you for your time.
It clicks off.
MARK
Hey! Hey!
Mark scours the room, but can find no other way out.
He returns to the door, twisting hard on the knob. He kicks
at it, but his weak legs give out and once again he falls to
the floor.
MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit!
He lays on the carpet, breathing heavily.
MARK (CONT’D)
Hey! You there?
The intercom clicks on.
MAN’S VOICE
I’m here.
MARK
Six questions?
MAN’S VOICE
Yes, sir.
MARK
What do I get at the end?
MAN’S VOICE
Depends on your answers.
3.
Mark sighs.
MARK
Well, since you seem to have caught
me between things-
MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?
Pause.
MARK
That’s the first question?
MAN’S VOICE
A first name will do.
Mark looks around the room. He furrows his brow.
MARK
What do I do if I don’t know?
MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Okay, great. Question two:
In which US state were you born?
MARK
Wait a minute-
MAN’S VOICE
Which state, please?
MARK
I- don’t know.
MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Terrific. Question three:
What is the name of a US State?
First that comes to mind.
MARK
-Delaware.
MAN’S VOICE
Question four: Who killed Mister
and how did he die?
MARK
That one makes no sense.
MAN’S VOICE
Unknown?
4.
MARK
Sure.
MAN’S VOICE
Question five: Have you done any
intravenous drugs today?
MARK
What’s going on?
MAN’S VOICE
Please answer question five-
MARK
I don’t know! I don’t even know
what day it is!
MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Question six: By your
closest approximation, what was or
is the color of your mother’s eyes?
Mark stares up at the ceiling, his breath growing fast. A
tear slides down his temple.
Pause.
MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Unknown. Applicant’s response
record is Unknown, Unknown,
Delaware, Unknown, Unknown and
Unknown.
MARK
(quietly)
Please tell me what’s happening to
me.
All at once, the door unlatches and creaks open.
MAN’S VOICE
A perfect score. Very impressive,
Mark.
Mark stares through the door. He can see only darkness.
MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Right this way.
End of Prologue.
5.
Act 1.
Scene 2 - Mark's Escape
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 9
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 7
Mark creeps cautiously down a thin, unlit hall.
The hall is full of sharp twists, preventing Mark from seeing
more than a few feet ahead.
Ahead is a bend, around which Mark can see light.
INT. ORIENTATION CHAMBER. DAY.
Mark steps out into a small, dimly lit room.
In the center of the room is a table, at which sit a man and
a woman.
FRANK MILCHICK, 35, is a big and brawny, despite the dainty
glasses perched atop his nose. In front of him is a
microphone. His is the voice from the other room.
HARMONY COBEL, 40, is small, curt and well-kept, her hair in
a tight bun. She takes notes, never looking up.
Milchick looks up and smiles.
MILCHICK
Mark! Come, have a seat!
Mark glances at a door on the other side of the room.
MARK
Who are you?
MILCHICK
Frank Milchick, PR. I’ll be
facilitating your orientation
today.
MARK
Orientation for what?
MILCHICK
It’d be just terrific if you had a
seat.
Mark slowly walks over and sits across from them.
Milchick organizes documents, excited but nervous.
6.
MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay. Well, first and foremost, I’d
like to congratulate you, on behalf
of all our staff, at all levels of
seniority, and of all races and
sexual genders, on passing your
entrance exam. Really stellar work.
Delaware.
MARK
Again, entrance to what?
Milchick smiles, looks down and clears his throat.
MILCHICK
Mark- Mr. Scout- Your last name’s
Scout- Mr. Scout, we have selected
you as the Secondary Conversion
Analyst for our data culling team.
You have graciously accepted-
MARK
I haven’t graciously accepted shit.
MILCHICK
That’s- a great opinion, and boldly
expressed. But I do have the
paperwork here.
He slides it across the table. Mark snatches it up.
At the bottom is a series of signatures, his included.
MARK
I didn’t sign this.
MILCHICK
Let’s take a step back-
COBEL
He needs pants.
MILCHICK AND MARK
What?
COBEL
By this point in the orientation,
the applicant should have been
offered pants. It’s the first step
in preparing him for the video.
MILCHICK
Of course. Sorry, ma’am.
7.
COBEL
Don’t apologize to me.
Milchick turns back to Mark. He produces a well-folded pair
of black pants from under the table.
MILCHICK
Mr. Scout, at this time, I’d like
to offer you this pair of empty
black pants, along with a sincere
apology for not having offered said
pants earlier. Do you accept the
empty black pants, and/or the
apology, which I assure you is
anything but empty?
Mark stares at Milchick for a long moment.
All at once, Mark leaps from his seat and runs for the door.
MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Mr. Scout!
Mark bursts through the door. Cobel keeps writing.
COBEL
Well. How did that feel to you?
MILCHICK
Bad.
COBEL
It was very bad.
Milchick gets up to follow Mark.
INT. MAIN OFFICE. DAY.
Mark, still naked, runs out into the middle of a bustling
office.
The room is vast and white, the ceiling very high. Everything
is bathed in a sterile light, which seems to emanate from all
surfaces.
The majority of the room is comprised of a wide maze of
cubicle walls, made of a vaguely translucent glass.
The workers weave busily around, some of their forms obscured
by the crystalline cubicle walls. Their hurried footsteps
combine with the dim hum of routers and printers.
8.
Mark looks around, panting heavily. One by one, the office-
dwellers notice him and stop, shocked.
MARK
I’m being held here. I’m being held
against my will.
He glances up. Near the high ceiling is a small window,
behind which is a hallway. A thin, BALD MAN stands at the
window, watching the commotion.
A plump SECURITY GUARD approaches Mark.
SECURITY GUARD
Sir, I’d be happy to escort you to
your workspace-
Mark turns and runs, knocking over the Security Guard.
He runs into the maze of cubicles, nearly tripping over the
tangle of computer wires that populate the floor, as workers
dive out of his way.
He hears footsteps approach from around a corner. He ducks
behind a copy machine.
A line of GUARDS run past.
Looking up, Mark spies an exit sign, but no path through the
cubicles.
With a running start, Mark leaps onto a table and over one of
the walls. He crashes down atop a table on the other side.
Seeing the exit, Mark breaks into a run.
Scene 3 - Mark's Morning Misadventures
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 9
Mark bursts through the stairwell door and runs down the
stairs, tripping over his feet as he goes.
Spinning around on a middle landing, he comes face to face
with HELLY RIGGS, 19, small but quietly fierce.
She smirks.
HELLY
First day?
Mark scoots around her and continues down the stairs.
9.
INT. LOBBY. DAY.
Mark bursts out of the stairwell and into a spacious lobby.
The granite walls are accentuated by hanging plants and mini
fountains.
Ahead is a security checkpoint, where a MUSTACHED GUARD scans
incoming EMPLOYEES with an electric wand.
Beyond them is a bank of glass doors, but a concrete wall
beyond it blocks any view of the outside.
An elevator door opens, and Milchick and Cobel emerge.
MILCHICK
Mr. Scout!
Mark launches himself toward the security checkpoint. The
Mustached Guard moves to intercept him.
MUSTACHED GUARD
Hold it, sir-
Mark elbows the Guard hard in the eye and tries to leap over
a ribbon partition. The Guard grabs him by the foot.
COBEL
Just let him go!
Mark kicks the Guard and gets to his feet.
COBEL (CONT’D)
It doesn’t matter! Let him go!
Mark darts across the entryway, past the security checkpoint,
and through the exit door.
JUMP TO:
INT. LOBBY. DAY.
The light is suddenly different, indicating late afternoon.
The room is far less busy.
Mark steps into the door he just ran out of. He’s dressed in
a simple black suit and tie.
He looks to his left. The Mustached Guard sits in a folding
chair, holding an ice pack over his eye and glaring at Mark.
COBEL
How you feeling?
10.
Mark whips around to see Cobel standing next to him. She
smiles.
MARK
How am I-
COBEL
Relax. There’s a lot that needs to
be explained to you. Are you
familiar with morons, Mark?
MARK
Morons?
COBEL
Idiots. Simpletons. Unfortunately,
they have a king, who I brilliantly
placed in charge of your
orientation today. I apologize for
that.
Mark looks at his hands, which are sunburnt.
MARK
Why is my skin warm?
COBEL
Same reason you feel suddenly
calmer than before. You and I just
had a two-hour walk together.
MARK
What?
COBEL
We went to a park. You fed apples
to a horse. It was sweet.
MARK
What are you talking about? Why
would I go on a walk with you?
COBEL
Because outside of this office, you
and I are already good friends.
He stares at her, confused. She puts her arm around him.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, my mother was Catholic. Not a
very good Catholic. When I had a
bad day, she used to tell me my
angels had a hangover.
(MORE)
11.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Right now, you probably feel like
your angels just OD’d on heroin.
MARK
You could say that.
COBEL
Well, the good thing about angels
is there’s a shitload of them. And
when your angels OD, it’s never too
terribly hard to find some new
ones.
Mark says nothing. Cobel turns and walks toward the
elevators.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Let’s go find some new angels.
Mark stares after her for a moment, then follows.
End of Act 1
12.
Act 2
Scene 4 - Irving's Secret Hobby
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 9
IRVING BAILIFF, 65, sits under his desk. Irving is heavy and
bald, but his demeanor is childlike.
On the carpet in front of him sit a dozen small objects. A
snow globe paperweight. A couple of glue sticks. A handheld
pencil sharpener.
As two co-workers converse unseen, Irving arranges the
objects in a rough circle.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon to bring on a rook.
The ink ain’t dry on Petey yet.
HELLY
(o.s.)
We need a fourth. We can’t do the
job without a fourth.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
Well, then maybe you shouldn’t have-
HELLY
(o.s.)
Petey got exactly what he wanted.
Besides, they’ve been training this
guy for months. It would have
happened eventually.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon.
Irving completes the circle and starts placing objects in the
middle.
DYLAN (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You really saw this guy’s dick?
HELLY
(o.s.)
Just for a second.
13.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
You shouldn’t go around seeing
dicks, you know. It’s a uniquely
distracting organ, biologically.
HELLY
(o.s.)
Well, I didn’t exactly seek it out.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just makes me ill, them bringing in
some nice-dicked rook mere days
after Petey’s departure.
HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say he was nice-dicked.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
What?
HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say that. You said that.
Irving finishes the pattern. The objects are now arranged in
a crude human face. He smiles at it, wistfully.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
Look, we can split hairs all day or
we can prepare like we were told.
Where’s the welcome sign?
HELLY
(o.s.)
Irving’s going to do it.
DYLAN
(o.s.)
And Irving is where, exactly?
As footsteps approach, Irving hurriedly gathers all the
objects back up and puts them in a paper bag.
He stows the bag under the far corner of the desk.
Helly, the young woman from the stairwell, kneels down to
address Irving.
14.
HELLY
Hey, Irving.
Irving scoots around to face her.
IRVING
Hello.
HELLY
You having a little dark time?
IRVING
The lights hurt my brain.
HELLY
Mine too. Which is a good sign.
Means we have brains.
He smiles.
IRVING
Yeah. Big fat ones.
She smiles.
HELLY
Hey, I was hoping you’d hang up the
welcome sign before the next
culling starts. You did promise me.
IRVING
I was worried I’d mess it up and
Dylan would tease me.
She nods.
HELLY
Have you ever noticed how Dylan
never complains about the lights?
IRVING
Yeah.
HELLY
Yeah.
He laughs. She offers him her hand.
HELLY (CONT’D)
Come on. Let’s hang it up together.
He takes her hand.
15.
INT. OFFICE HALL. DAY.
Mark follows Cobel through the labyrinth of hallways.
MARK
Are there two buildings?
COBEL
Sorry?
MARK
When I ran outside, it led right
back into the lobby. Are there two
identical buildings?
COBEL
You’ll be seeing the video this
afternoon, which will explain
everything. Right now I want you to
meet a few of your colleagues.
They reach a door, marked “Culling Office.”
MARK
What’s the Culling Office?
She opens the door.
COBEL
It’s home.
She gestures for him to enter. He does.
Scene 5 - Mark's Initiation
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 9
The office is large, blank and white. In the center, four
desks face one another. Helly sits at one, and to her left is
Irving. To her right is DYLAN HOGAN.
Dylan is 40, and despite a sense of swagger, looks vaguely
diseased.
All three type vigorously at clunky, beige computers at their
desks.
Mark stares at these three for a moment. He turns to Cobel-
MARK
Who are these-
But she’s gone. He turns back.
He slowly makes his way toward the center of the room.
16.
The others don’t look up from what they’re doing.
MARK (CONT’D)
Hello.
No response.
MARK (CONT’D)
I’m Mark. Apparently I’m supposed
to be-
DYLAN
So why aren’t you?
MARK
Sorry?
DYLAN
Why aren’t you doing what you’re
supposed to be doing?
MARK
I- They didn’t tell me-
DYLAN
There’s one chair without an ass in
it. How many asses do you have?
MARK
-One.
DYLAN
Seems fortuitous.
Mark stares at Dylan a long moment, before moving to the
empty chair. He sits.
IRVING
Did you see the sign?
MARK
The sign?
IRVING
I hung it for you. Helly helped.
Mark looks over. Small, gold paper letters spelling ‘WELCOME’
hang clumsily on the far wall.
IRVING (CONT’D)
It’s meant to make you feel
welcome.
17.
MARK
Thank you.
He stares at the computer screen in front of him. A series of
green symbols, including letters, numbers and pictographs,
moves across it in a single line.
Mark glances at Helly, who sits across from him.
MARK (CONT’D)
I don’t know what to-
HELLY
The game is to turn the green
symbols blue. You have to trick
them. They’ll fight you.
MARK
Okay. How?
HELLY
Put your fingers on the keys. Your
training will kick in.
MARK
I haven’t been-
HELLY
Yes, you have.
Mark puts his fingers on the keys and looks at the stream of
symbols.
He types a few characters into the computer. The stream turns
red.
MARK
They’re turning red.
DYLAN
Red’s bad.
HELLY
I said blue, remember?
MARK
Listen, who are you people?
HELLY
Keep typing!
Mark keeps typing random keys. The symbols continue to come
in red.
18.
MARK
Please. I- I need help, okay? I
woke up here an hour ago and I
can’t remember anything-
DYLAN
Sucks chunks, don’t it?
MARK
This happened to all of you?
HELLY
Three years ago for me. Which now
makes me the senior employee.
DYLAN
By like two days.
IRVING
I used to be the baby. Now that
you’re here, I’m just Irving.
MARK
What is this place? How do we get
out of here?
DYLAN
It’s all in the video, man.
MARK
What video?
IRVING
Why is he mad?
HELLY
He’s not.
IRVING
Petey was never mad.
MARK
Who the shit is Petey?
DYLAN
You know, culling time tends to be
quiet time!
MARK
To shit with culling time! I don’t
even know what that is!
IRVING
Language!
19.
DYLAN
Damnit!
For a moment, everyone just types. Dylan rubs his face.
DYLAN (CONT’D)
It’s Mark, you said. Right?
MARK
Yeah.
DYLAN
Okay, Mark, do me a favor. Look at
your screen.
MARK
What?
DYLAN
Just look.
Mark looks. The symbols on his screen have all turned blue.
He continues to type letters onto the keyboard, changing the
symbols to blue as they appear.
MARK
I’m turning them blue.
DYLAN
Funny that, huh?
MARK
How am I doing this?
DYLAN
Because you were trained to. Mark,
I know you’re losing your shit
right now. I did too. But there’s
an order to all this, and it will
present itself to you in due time.
So until that time comes, I need
you to just take a breath and trust
that you’re gonna be okay. Can you
do that for me, Mark?
Mark takes a deep breath.
MARK
Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I just- I’m
okay.
They all keep typing. Long pause.
20.
IRVING
Is he mad because I hung the sign
bad?
DYLAN
Nah, Irving. You hung the sign
great.
More typing.
Scene 6 - The Restroom Encounter
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 9
- Dialogue: 8
Mark enters the men’s room stall and sits down.
He rubs his face, breathing heavily.
After a moment, he opens his eyes.
He notices a message scratched into the bottom corner of the
stall: I’M TAKING ME WITH ME.
HELLY
(o.s.)
Don’t throw up, okay?
Mark straightens up, startled. Helly sits in the stall next
to him.
HELLY (CONT’D)
‘Cause if you do, then I will. Then
the janitor will have to come
through and he hits on me.
MARK
This is the men’s room.
HELLY
The women’s gets lonely.
Mark takes a deep breath.
MARK
You’re from the stairwell, right?
HELLY
Not originally. But I saw you
there.
MARK
Sorry I was naked.
HELLY
It’s cool. It was funny. I’m Helly.
21.
He stares ahead, uncomfortable.
MARK
What’s the thing with the letters?
Why do we do that?
HELLY
It’s called data culling. And I
have no idea.
MARK
You don’t know what it means?
HELLY
Nope. I know it’s important,
though.
MARK
Uh huh. And how much of this is
going to make sense once I’ve seen
this video everyone keeps talking
about?
HELLY
Exactly four percent.
He smiles in spite of himself.
HELLY (CONT’D)
You’re not going to see it, though.
MARK
Sorry?
HELLY
Not today, anyway.
MARK
Cobel said-
HELLY
Something will come up. There will
be an inspection, or a drill. I was
here six months before I saw it.
MARK
Why?
She thinks about this a moment.
HELLY
Because you’re more likely to
accept it once they’ve broken you
some.
22.
The door opens and Irving sticks his head in.
IRVING
Helly?
HELLY
Hi Irving.
IRVING
You’re supposed to go in the girl’s
room. You’re a girl.
HELLY
I know. I’m sorry.
IRVING
Did you forget?
HELLY
Yeah, I forgot. Can you not tell on
me, please?
IRVING
Okay, but I’ll write it in my
diary.
HELLY
That’s good.
He leaves. A pause.
MARK
Is he okay?
HELLY
He’s different. He’s also by far
the fastest culler in the office.
The door opens and Irving pops in again.
IRVING
Also, if Mark’s in here, tell him
that we have an inspection tonight.
So they’ll show him the video
tomorrow.
HELLY
Thanks, Irving. I’ll tell him.
Irving leaves. A long pause.
MARK
Is there any way out of here?
23.
Long pause.
HELLY
You should watch the video.
MARK
Thanks. I’ll look forward to that.
Using her foot, she slides a scrap of toilet paper under the
stall wall.
HELLY
I mean you should watch it now.
Mark looks down at the toilet paper scrap. Drawn on it in pen
is a crude map.
INT. THIN HALLWAY. DAY.
Carrying the toilet paper map, Mark slinks down the empty
hall with what he thinks is stealth.
He rounds a bend and comes to a long line of doors. As he
moves past them, he eyes the map.
MARK
Three, four, five-
He reaches the sixth door, marked STORAGE, opens it and steps
inside.
Scene 7 - Mark's Storage Closet Ascent
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 9
- Characters: 7
- Dialogue: 7
Mark enters the closet, which is small and cramped and lined
on all sides by deep shelves.
He shuts the door and turns on the light.
He locates this room on the map. Here, Helly has written the
word UP.
Cautiously, Mark looks up, his eyes widening.
The narrow closet appears to stretch upward forever, with
hundreds of levels of shelves stacked atop one another. The
ceiling, if there is one, is not visible.
Mark looks back at the word UP printed on the map.
MARK
Shit.
24.
INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.
Helly enters the office to find Milchick standing by the
door.
MILCHICK
Miss Riggs.
HELLY
Mr. Milchick.
MILCHICK
Have you seen Mr. Scout?
HELLY
No. He’s maybe in the bathroom.
Milchick looks at the floor.
MILCHICK
I forgot to offer him pants at the
orientation today. Bungled the
whole thing like a ninny.
Helly nods, empathetic.
INT. STORAGE CLOSET. DAY.
Mark climbs the shelves, his face drenched in sweat. The
floor is no longer visible below.
He passes a shelf which contains a symmetrical pile of
metallic gold boxes.
He rests a foot on this shelf, causing it to creak. He stops.
The shelf gives way, sending the gold boxes careening
downward.
Mark grabs hold of the shelf above him, his feet dangling
over the endless darkness below.
He struggles to find another foothold. Grimacing, he pulls
himself up to the next shelf.
He forces himself to look up. About ten feet above him is a
platform and a thin, metallic door, like the one he came in.
INT. UPPER HALLWAY. EVENING.
Mark opens the thin door, gasping for breath.
25.
This hall is all black. What little light there is seeps out
from behind massive, closed doors. Distant whispers echo from
hidden rooms.
Mark shuts the supply closet and starts cautiously down the
hall.
As he moves, he hears the sound of heavy footsteps
approaching.
Panicking, he spies a door ajar and ducks through it.
INT. CUBICLE ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
Mark scoots into the room, his back against the wall.
He shuts his eyes, terrified, as the heavy footsteps pass by
outside. They slowly disappear down the hall.
Mark opens his eyes.
The concrete room is empty, except for a large cubicle.
Unlike the ones downstairs, it is a perfect cube, complete
with a “roof” on top. There are no apparent openings.
Mark gets up and moves toward the cubicle.
WOMAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
Is someone out there?
Mark’s breath stops, but he keeps moving.
WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You can’t keep me here. They’ll
come looking for me.
Mark stops inches from the cubicle. He notices an inch-wide
gap between the frame and the fabric of one of the walls.
He leans in to examine it.
Suddenly, a horrible, bloodshot EYE peers out.
WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
I want to see my baby!
Panicking, Mark turns and flees the room.
26.
INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.
Milchick sits in a plastic chair at Helly’s desk as she goes
over documents.
MILCHICK
I think the pants were a tertiary
issue. The real problem’s my
personality. I’ve been told I’m
just awful.
The door flies open and Cobel enters.
COBEL
Milchick! We’ve got a security
breach upstairs!
MILCHICK
What? How?
COBEL
Where’s Scout?
She looks around the room, approaching panic.
INT. UPPER HALLWAY. CONTINUOUS.
Mark runs down the hall. He passes a series of shut doors,
his pace growing faster.
He suddenly stops.
In front of him is a door, smaller than the others, with a
dim green light behind it. It reads VIDEO ARCHIVES.
He looks at the map. The final destination reads ‘VA.’
COBEL
Mark!
Mark whips around to see Cobel and Milchick running down the
hall toward him.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, don’t go in there!
Mark grabs the handle, but the door is stuck. He yanks again,
pulling it open.
27.
Scene 8 - Mark's Discovery
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 7
- Dialogue: 7
Mark enters the small, cramped room bathed in green light. He
slams the door behind him and locks it.
All walls are covered with heavy file cabinets. In the corner
is a small, dusty television with a built-in VCR.
There’s a rapping at the door.
COBEL
(o.s.)
Mark! Open the door!
Mark moves to the end of the room and opens a cabinet.
It’s full of VHS tapes, each labeled with a name, and all
carefully alphabetized.
The door rattles.
COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You weren’t meant to come up here
yet. Please, it’s dangerous!
Mark moves to another cabinet and opens it. More tapes.
Searching, he finds a drawer in the middle of the room and
opens it. These tapes are labeled with ‘S’ names. Rooting
through, he finds one marked ‘Scout, Mark.’
He moves to the television and flips it on. The image is of
grey static, accompanied by a dull roar.
COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark, I know you have questions. If
you come out now, I promise I’ll
explain everything.
He pushes in the tape.
The static roar stops, and for a moment, the room is quiet.
End of Act 2.
28.
ACT 3
BLACKNESS.
SCREEN TEXT: FIVE DAYS EARLIER.
INT. MARK’S BEDROOM. MORNING.
Mark lays, asleep, on a mattress on the floor.
The walls are a gentle blue, and the room is outfitted for a
baby. In the corner sits a crib.
A woman’s bare foot slowly moves over Mark’s face.
Wrinkling his nose, Mark bolts up.
MARK
What the shit?
His sister, DEVON, stands over him. She’s 30, and many, many
months pregnant.
DEVON
Hey, butterfly.
MARK
Your foot smells like pregnancy.
DEVON
Get up. You need toast.
MARK
I don’t want toast.
DEVON
You’re supposed to eat before an
interview.
MARK
Says who?
DEVON
Science.
Mark sits up, rubbing his face.
MARK
I don’t want to go. Go for me.
DEVON
I don’t think they’ll be fooled.
29.
MARK
Yeah they will. Just cut your hair,
throw on a tie and have your baby.
She smiles and goes to the door.
DEVON
Come have toast.
MARK
No.
INT. HALE HOUSEHOLD, KITCHEN. MORNING.
Mark sits at the table in a shirt and tie, begrudgingly
eating toast.
Next to him is RICKEN, 40, in a silk robe and androgynous
glasses.
RICKEN
Has the mattress been comfortable?
MARK
Yes. Thanks.
RICKEN
What are you going to say at the
interview?
MARK
I don’t know.
RICKEN
You should mention that you’re
staying with us.
Devon brings over two glasses of grapefruit juice.
MARK
Well, living in the future bedroom
of your sister’s baby wasn’t one of
their preferred qualifications.
RICKEN
Tolstoy used to live with relatives
for years at a time.
MARK
I’m not interviewing to be
President of Russia.
30.
RICKEN
Tolstoy wasn’t-
DEVON
He knows, babe. He’s screwing with
you.
MARK
No, I was being legitimately dumb
that time.
Ricken puts his hand on Mark’s shoulder.
RICKEN
Mark, I think you’re going to get
this job. I know things have been
hard-
MARK
Actually, things have been really
great since you put your hand on my
shoulder three seconds ago.
Ricken removes his hand.
RICKEN
I just think your life is about to
get a lot better.
Mark stares at him blankly.
MARK
Thanks for the toast.
He gets up and exits. Ricken shoots Devon an annoyed look.
Scene 9 - Mark's Dilemma
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 7
- Dialogue: 6
Mark goes to his car. Devon follows him out.
The suburban, Pacific Northwest neighborhood is coated in a
layer of frozen dew. Devon and Mark’s breath is visible in
the morning light.
DEVON
It’s cool how you act like you’re
better than the man who’s sharing
his house with you.
MARK
It’s your house.
31.
DEVON
Hey.
Mark turns.
DEVON (CONT’D)
If this interview goes- not great-
MARK
Why would it?
DEVON
Don’t go to the bars after, okay?
Like, at least come home first.
Mark smiles.
MARK
You know, he made up the Tolstoy
thing.
DEVON
I know.
Mark gets in the car.
INT. MARK’S CAR. MORNING.
Mark speeds along an icy road surrounded by evergreen trees.
A thick fog makes for poor visibility.
He stares ahead, pensive.
MARK
Hi, I’m Mark Scout.
He shuts his eyes.
MARK (CONT’D)
Good to meet you. Mark Scout.
A deep breath.
MARK (CONT’D)
This place is great. My name is-
The car hits something with a thud. Mark opens his eyes and
slams on the brakes.
He sits for a long moment, breathing heavily.
MARK (CONT’D)
Shit.
32.
EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.
Mark gets out of the car.
About ten feet behind him on the road lies a white cat. It
doesn’t move.
MARK
Oh no.
Mark glances over to a large, Victorian-style house just off
the road. It’s the only building in sight.
He takes a step toward the cat.
MARK (CONT’D)
Cat?
No response. He claps his hands. It doesn’t move.
He glances down at his watch.
MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit.
He moves back to the car, plopping into the driver’s seat.
Gritting his teeth, he sounds his horn.
No response from the house. He lays on the horn again, this
time for longer.
He notices the curtains in one of the upper windows move.
Hastily, he flips the car into drive and speeds off.
Scene 10 - The Cat Incident
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 7
A card table has been set up in the middle of the store.
Racks of DVD’s line the walls.
Mark sits across from SETH, the store manager, 25 and
mustached.
SETH
It’s a lot of dusting of the DVD’s
and making sure they’re in order.
Do you have DVD’s at home?
MARK
I do.
33.
SETH
Yeah, so you know. I’ve been
covering all the shifts myself for
a year now. But massage school’s a
huge commitment so I’ll be busy.
Plus I expect to make friends
there.
MARK
My schedule’s very open.
Seth looks over Mark’s resume. Mark shifts, uncomfortable.
SETH
You okay?
MARK
Yeah.
SETH
You seem weird.
MARK
I’m fine.
Seth looks back at the resume.
SETH
So, it says you used to be a
professor of-
MARK
That was a while ago.
SETH
You know this is minimum wage?
MARK
It’s fine.
Seth stares at Mark a minute. Mark is sweating.
SETH
Okay, well, the last question is
one I ask everyone. Do you have any
weaknesses that you think would
prevent you from living up to the
tradition of Crazy Eagle Video?
Mark looks down, fidgeting.
MARK
No.
34.
SETH
I gotta write something or my uncle
gets pissed.
Pause. Mark looks back up at Seth.
MARK
I ran over a cat.
SETH
What?
MARK
On my way here. With my car. I
don’t know if it’s dead.
SETH
I don’t-
MARK
I should have checked, seen if it
was breathing, but I was nervous to
get here. Can cats be in a coma?
SETH
I don’t know.
MARK
What kind of monster am I? Who hits
a cat and then drives off to
interview for a job no sane person
would even want?
SETH
So- what should I write?
Mark thinks a moment, then gets up.
MARK
I’m gonna go see if it’s dead. Good
luck with your movie store. Don’t
give me the job.
Mark puts on his coat and exits, leaving Seth baffled.
EXT. FORESTED ROAD. DAY.
Mark stands in front of his car, staring at a BLOOD STAIN on
the pavement where the cat used to be.
He turns and looks at the house.
With a deep breath, he walks toward it.
35.
Scene 11 - Death of Innocence
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 9
- Dialogue: 9
Mark knocks on the door. He looks around. The forest is
silent.
A LITTLE GIRL, 3, opens the door.
MARK
Hello. I was just- Are your parents
home?
LITTLE GIRL
Someone killed our cat.
MARK
That’s- awful.
LITTLE GIRL
Did you kill our cat?
Mark stares at her a moment.
MARK
I did.
She turns and walks into the dark house.
Mark cranes his neck to look after her.
Suddenly, a WOMAN steps in front of the door, startling Mark.
This is Harmony Cobel, the woman from the Orientation
Chamber.
MARK (CONT’D)
Oh. I’m sorry-
COBEL
So it would appear.
MARK
What?
COBEL
You’re here. One would assume that
means you’re sorry.
MARK
I- Well, I wanted to check on the
cat-
COBEL
He was dead the moment you hit him
and he’s remained so.
36.
MARK
I’m sorry.
COBEL
You mentioned.
MARK
How did you know I had-
COBEL
You came here from work?
MARK
An interview.
COBEL
Did you get it?
MARK
No.
COBEL
Condolences.
MARK
Yes. Well- Look, I want to
apologize. Truly, I can’t tell you
how sorry I am. I’d be happy to pay
you for-
COBEL
Would you like to see it?
Pause.
MARK
Would I like to see the cat?
COBEL
Yes.
MARK
No.
Scene 12 - The Pickle
- Overall: 9.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 9
- Dialogue: 9
Mark and Cobel stand over the body of the cat, which lays on
a white linen tablecloth surrounded by candles.
Cobel munches on a pickle. She offers one to Mark.
COBEL
Pickle?
37.
MARK
No. Thank you.
COBEL
I grew them myself. I insist.
Mark takes the pickle. Awkwardly, he takes a bite.
Pause.
MARK
What was his name?
COBEL
Mister.
MARK
That’s a funny name for a cat.
COBEL
Well. I suppose I’m funny.
Each takes another bite of pickle.
MARK
I’m Mark.
COBEL
Harmony Cobel.
MARK
Pleasure.
COBEL
It’s of interest to me, Mark, that
you drove away. You seem more
courteous than that. Were you
afraid?
MARK
I guess.
COBEL
Yet you had the courage to come
back, knowing our disdain for you
would be compounded by the initial
act of cowardice.
MARK
Well, it seemed right.
COBEL
And how did the actual slaying
feel?
38.
MARK
Slaying?
COBEL
I, myself, have only murdered small
insects. Nothing mammalian. Did it
make you feel powerful?
MARK
No. No, not at all. It was the
opposite of that.
COBEL
The opposite of power? Describe
that for me.
MARK
I just had to go. I felt horrible
for- Mister, but- I had an
interview. I couldn’t feel horrible
right then.
COBEL
And how many things in your life
are you putting off feeling
horrible about?
She takes a massive pickle bite.
MARK
I should get home. Excuse me.
He turns to leave.
COBEL
Do you feel horrible about Eleanor?
He stops. He turns around, his legs suddenly shaky.
COBEL (CONT’D)
In the divorce proceedings, she
accused you of, quote, acute
workoholism. I’ve never heard it
phrased that way. She sounds like a
firecracker.
He stares at her, steadying himself against a side table.
MARK
How do you-
39.
COBEL
Or what about being fired via text
message two days after signing
divorce papers? Decreased focus,
they cited. Have you gotten around
to feeling horrible about that?
Mark falls back against the wall.
MARK
I feel sick.
COBEL
Take it easy.
MARK
What was in that pickle?
COBEL
I won’t lie, there were drugs in
the pickle.
Mark falls to the floor, his vision blurring.
Cobel slowly walks toward him.
COBEL (CONT’D)
I’m proud of you for coming back,
Mark. That was very, very brave.
The room goes dark as Mark passes out.
End of Act 3.
40.
ACT 4
Scene 13 - Severance Offer
- Overall: 9.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 7
Mark slowly awakens, his head spinning. The room is dank, the
walls made of rotted wood.
He sits in a chair at a table. Cobel sits across from him. In
her hand is a shoebox.
COBEL
You’re up.
Mark tries to stand but finds he’s handcuffed.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, I feel like I’ve been hard to
read so far. That’s irksome. Will
you let me explain myself?
MARK
Please- let me go.
COBEL
I heard you slam on your brakes
after you hit Mister. I wrote down
your plate number on a takeout menu
and looked you up after you drove
off. That’s why I know who you are.
Simple as that.
MARK
The things you knew- There’s no way-
COBEL
It was specific, right? That’s the
other thing I wanted to talk about.
See, I work for an organization
that’s in the business of
specificity. We don’t like not
knowing things.
MARK
What else do you know about me?
She leans back.
COBEL
I know you’re brilliant. I know you
were doing calculus at nine, took
college classes at eleven.
(MORE)
41.
COBEL (CONT'D)
I know you’ve struggled with focus
your whole life, and that after
your divorce, you spent most of a
night standing on the Skagit bridge
begging yourself to jump.
MARK
No one knows that.
COBEL
Someone does.
MARK
Why am I here?
COBEL
I want to offer you a job.
MARK
Why am I handcuffed?
COBEL
The job’s a tough sell.
She pushes the box toward him.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Let me digress a second. I want to
introduce you to someone who’s
actually grateful to you for
killing Mister. Are you okay? I
know this is a lot.
Mark says nothing.
She takes the top off the box. Inside is a black rat. Mark
recoils.
COBEL (CONT’D)
This is Miss. Don’t let the name
fool you, he’s male. My daughter
picks the names.
Cobel reaches into the box. Miss nuzzles her hand.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I’ve raised Miss from infancy.
I cuddle him at night, feed him by
hand. See how he loves me? Yes, you
do, little Miss.
MARK
Why are you showing me your rat?
42.
She reaches under the table and pulls out a small cylindrical
device with a single switch on top. She lays it on the table
next to the box.
COBEL
This beacon was built by my
company. It broadcasts a hyper-
sonar frequency, which activates a
chip inside Miss’s brain. When the
beacon is on, Miss can only access
memories from when it was on. When
it’s off, he remembers everything
else. Does that make sense?
She flips the switch on the beacon, which hums almost
inaudibly.
Miss instantly becomes hysterical, retreating to the back of
the box and squeaking in terror.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I should mention that when the
beacon is on, I burn Miss on the
belly with a soldering iron.
She reaches into the box. Miss cowers in terror.
COBEL (CONT’D)
He screams and screams. But I don’t
stop. Sometimes it lasts an hour.
She removes her hand.
COBEL (CONT’D)
Okay, enough of that.
Cobel clicks the beacon off again. Miss instantly calms down.
Cobel picks her up and nuzzles her affectionately.
Mark stares at this in horror.
MARK
Who the hell are you?
Cobel lets Miss crawl onto the back of her neck.
COBEL
I’m an office manager. I work at
the most revolutionary company on
the planet, and I’m prepared to
offer you half a million dollars a
year to come join us.
(MORE)
43.
COBEL (CONT'D)
The only condition is that you will
receive a beacon of your own and
your perceptual chronologies will
be split. Between the hours of nine
and five, you will have no
knowledge of who you are or where
you are from. Only work memories.
And in your outside life, you will
know nothing of what you do for the
company. The vital nature of the
work requires such secrecy.
Mark stares at her. He has no words.
COBEL (CONT’D)
By the way, those cuffs are
plastic.
Mark looks down at the cuffs. He pulls his arms up sharply,
breaking them.
He stumbles to his feet.
MARK
This is psychotic. There’s no way
what you’re describing-
COBEL
It’s real. It violates no law, and
it’s brought solace to many of our
workers.
MARK
By cracking their brains in half?
COBEL
Mark, my mother was an atheist. She
used to say that there’s good news
and bad news about Hell. The good
news is that Hell is the product of
an overactive human imagination.
The bad news is that what human
beings can imagine, they can
create. I think that Hell is a
world where you eternally obsess
over where you’ll be in twelve
hours. Where your marriage freezes
to death in the shadow of your
career. Mark, what if you could
walk into work in the morning and
skip straight to the quitting bell?
Remove the anxiety of being a
worker and only be a person. That’s
what it’s like.
44.
MARK
Unless you’re unlucky enough to
wake up as the worker.
COBEL
In which case you know nothing
else. Those who have had the
procedure are happier, both at work
and at home, than ever before in
their lives.
Mark stares at her another moment.
MARK
Have you had it?
COBEL
No.
He nods.
MARK
Then when you get to work tomorrow,
you can tell everyone that I told
you to go straight to Hell.
Cobel laughs at this. Mark turns and stumbles to the door.
COBEL
Give it some thought, Mark. You
know where to find me.
Mark reaches the door and shoves it open.
Cobel scratches Miss’s neck.
COBEL (CONT’D)
That was a funny thing he said,
wasn’t it, Miss? Yes, it was.
Miss nuzzles her hand.
Scene 14 - A Dismissed Claim
- Overall: 8.0
- Concept: 8
- Plot: 7
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 7
Mark sits across from OFFICER IRONS, 40 and incredulous.
OFFICER IRONS
Okay, so- You hit the woman’s cat.
MARK
Yes.
45.
OFFICER IRONS
And didn’t go back to check on it.
MARK
No.
OFFICER IRONS
In cases like that, sir, you should
get out of the car and assess the
animal.
MARK
Please listen. This woman drugged
and kidnapped me!
Officer Irons ponders this a moment.
OFFICER IRONS
Would you give me a moment, please,
sir?
MARK
Yeah.
Mark gets up.
INT. POLICE STATION, WAITING AREA. NIGHT.
Mark sits down in one of a long row of chairs.
Through the window, he sees Officer Irons talk to OFFICER
GREEN, 55 and skinny.
Mark leans back, rubbing his face. He doesn’t notice KAIA,
26, petite and strung out, sitting a few chairs away.
KAIA
Why did they bring you here?
Mark looks at her, exhausted.
MARK
They didn’t. I came to report a
crime.
KAIA
Me too. But they won’t listen to
me. They say I’m bonkers.
MARK
Okay.
46.
KAIA
My dad was killed when I was ten.
On his birthday. But they’ll never
catch who did it. You know why that
is?
MARK
Listen, I’ve had kind of a rough
night-
KAIA
Because he was killed by angels.
Mark stares, speechless.
KAIA (CONT’D)
He flew out of one of his presents,
the one with gold paper. And they
pulled bones out of him til he
died.
Mark nods.
MARK
Okay.
The door to the office opens and Officers Irons and Green
emerge.
OFFICER IRONS
Mr. Scout?
MARK
Yes.
The Officers glance at each other.
OFFICER IRONS
Take us there.
INT. FORESTED ROAD. MORNING.
As the sun rises, the Officers get out of their car.
They walk along the road to join Mark, who is standing in
front of his own parked car, staring in disbelief.
The area where the house stood is now a vacant field. Only a
plastic Port-o-Potty sits in the center.
For a long moment, all stare.
47.
OFFICER IRONS
This is the house, sir?
MARK
I don’t-
OFFICER IRONS
Sir, this is a portable lavatory.
Frequently used for temporary waste
management, but insufficient for
habitation.
MARK
There was a house here.
The Officers glance at one another.
OFFICER GREEN
You know what I think this is?
OFFICER IRONS
What’s that?
OFFICER GREEN
Bunch of crap.
Officer Green bursts into a fit of laughter.
OFFICER IRONS
Aw, that’s classic!
OFFICER GREEN
Thought of it a minute ago. It
wasn’t improvised.
OFFICER IRONS
Still. So funny.
Their radios bleep.
COP VOICE
Possible homicide on Fourth and
Vice. All units-
OFFICER GREEN
Shit. We gotta go.
MARK
Wait, can’t you-
OFFICER IRONS
Please return home, Mr. Scout.
Contact us only if there’s an
emergency.
48.
The Officers run to their car and get in. They peel out and
speed off.
Mark stands at the side of the road, staring after them.
He starts to walk to his car.
He turns, regarding the Port-O-Potty.
Scene 15 - The Decision
- Overall: 9.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 7
Mark enters and sits down. He shuts the door behind him.
He looks around, silent for a long moment.
MARK
Are you here?
Pause.
COBEL
(o.s.)
Of course I am.
Mark looks up. At the top of the Port-O-Potty is a speaker.
MARK
How did you do that?
COBEL
(o.s.)
I can’t tell you. But let me ask
you this, Mark; Is it not worth
considering that a company that can
make a house disappear may also be
able to fix your somewhat broken
life?
Mark thinks about this.
MARK
If I was unhappy, could I get out
of it?
COBEL
(o.s.)
Both halves of you would need to
request it. But that won’t happen.
I’m offering you something you’ve
craved your whole life, Mark. I’m
offering you focus, and all that
comes with it.
(MORE)
49.
COBEL (CONT'D)
You can explore what that means, or
you can go back to your sister’s
baby’s room. I believe a nearby
food court is hiring.
Mark lets out a slow breath.
COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark? When you step out of this
Port-O-Potty, would you like me to
be there? You can say no. Or you
can say yes.
Mark shuts his eyes.
MARK
(whispers)
Yes.
COBEL
(o.s.)
I’m glad you said that. Come out.
Mark opens his eyes. He opens the door.
EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.
Mark steps out to see Cobel standing in front of a sleek
black car.
Next to her is Milchick, smiling like an idiot.
Mark lets out another long breath and makes his way to the
side of the road.
COBEL
This is Frank Milchick, newly hired
PR director.
MILCHICK
So psyched you’re joining us.
Cobel smiles and opens the rear door of the car.
COBEL
Shall we?
Mark nods. He gets in the car.
BLACKNESS.
SCREEN TEXT: FOUR DAYS LATER.
50.
INT. WHITE ROOM. DAY.
Mark sits at a wooden table in a surgical gown, a thermometer
in his mouth and a sheet of paper in his hands. Milchick
stands over him.
The room is perfectly cubic, and all white.
Milchick removes the thermometer.
MILCHICK
All good. You ready for this?
MARK
Yeah.
MILCHICK
Great. Let’s make some rad magic.
Milchick moves to the other side of the table, a camera has
been set up.
Cobel stands in the corner.
MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay, we’re on Mark in one, two-
He hits record.
Mark picks up the paper and reads.
MARK
My name is Mark Scout. I have, at
the suggestion of my employer,
elected to undergo the procedure
colloquially known as severance. I
give consent for my unconscious
body to be transported to my
workplace and my personal beacon
activated, creating a new
perceptual chronology. I understand
that the skills required to perform
my job will be implanted in the
mind of my employed self, along
with a cursory awareness of the
outside world for conversational
purposes. I will not, henceforth,
seek knowledge of my outside life
while at work, nor of my work life
while at home.
CUT TO:
51.
INT. VIDEO ARCHIVE ROOM. EVENING.
Back in the cramped room, Mark crouches before the television
set, watching the recorded image of himself reading the
waver.
He can hardly breathe as he stares at his own pensive face.
MARK
(on-screen)
I say these things of my own free
accord, and being of sound mind.
MILCHICK
(on-screen)
That’s good, Mark. That’s real
good.
MARK
(on-screen)
Would it be alright if I said
something? To him?
Pause.
COBEL
(on-screen)
No.
The screen cuts to static.
Mark leans back. He stares into the static for a very long
moment.
Scene 16 - Confrontation in the Hallways
- Overall: 9.0
- Concept: 9
- Plot: 8
- Characters: 8
- Dialogue: 8
Mark opens the door and steps quietly out of the archive
room.
Cobel and Milchick stand before him.
MARK
When was that taken?
COBEL
This morning.
Mark nods.
MARK
I’m never going to leave here.
52.
COBEL
You’ll leave here at five.
MILCHICK
But in your current state of
awareness, you won’t perceive it.
Mark nods again.
MARK
Do I have a family?
COBEL
You’ll never know.
MARK
And I don’t have any choice.
Cobel stares at him, solemnly.
COBEL
You did. You chose yes.
Mark lets out a long breath.
Milchick and Cobel stand still, giving him all the time he
needs.
End of act 4
53.
INT. DARK HALL. NIGHT.
Cobel walks down a hallway, darker even than the one before.
She rounds a corner and stops. Before her is a corridor so
dark that the end is not visible.
COBEL
He’s gone.
A soft, raspy MAN’S VOICE echoes down the hallway.
MAN’S VOICE
Has he come to us defective?
COBEL
No.
MAN’S VOICE
He’s curious. Like the other before
him.
Cobel looks at the floor, uncomfortable.
CUT TO:
INT. LOBBY. NIGHT.
Mark stands at the security station as a GUARD pats him down.
COBEL
(o.s.)
That won’t happen again. This one
may fight for a time. But he will
choose us as his home.
MAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
And if he doesn’t choose us?
The guard waves Mark to the door. Mark stares at his
reflection in the glass, then pushes the door open and exits.
Darkness.
COBEL
(o.s.)
Then he’ll have nothing left but
the dark.
End of Episode
Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:
| Character | Arc | Critique | Suggestions |
|---|---|---|---|
| mark | Mark's character arc follows his journey from confusion and defiance to introspection and acceptance. He starts off as a desperate and resistant protagonist, but through his experiences and interactions, he begins to confront his past actions and inner demons. Ultimately, Mark learns to accept his mistakes and make peace with his identity, leading to a sense of growth and self-realization. | The character arc for Mark is well-developed and allows for a deep exploration of his internal struggles and growth. However, there could be more clarity in the progression of his character development, especially in terms of how each scene contributes to his overall arc. Additionally, there could be more consistency in his speaking style to better reflect his emotional journey. | To improve the character arc, consider mapping out specific moments in each scene that contribute to Mark's growth and self-realization. Ensure that his speaking style evolves organically throughout the screenplay to reflect his changing emotions and mindset. Additionally, provide more opportunities for Mark to confront his past and make decisions that challenge his beliefs and values, leading to a more impactful and cohesive character arc. |
| cobel | Cobel starts off as a guiding figure for Mark, helping him navigate the unknown world and hinting at deeper connections. As the story progresses, Cobel's true motives are revealed as she becomes more manipulative and unsettling, offering Mark a life-altering opportunity with emotional manipulation. Ultimately, Cobel's character arc culminates in a confrontation where her enigmatic nature and hidden motives are fully exposed, leading to a dramatic resolution. | The character arc for Cobel is intriguing and adds depth to the story. However, there could be more consistency in her actions and motivations throughout the screenplay. It would be beneficial to provide clearer hints or foreshadowing of Cobel's true intentions earlier on to make the reveal more impactful. Additionally, exploring Cobel's backstory or motivations further could enhance her complexity and make her character arc more compelling. | To improve the character arc for Cobel, consider adding subtle hints or foreshadowing of her true motives earlier in the screenplay. This could involve incorporating more cryptic dialogue or mysterious actions that hint at Cobel's manipulative nature. Additionally, delving deeper into Cobel's backstory or motivations could provide a more nuanced understanding of her character and make her arc more satisfying for the audience. |
| irving | Irving starts off as a quirky and childlike individual who is easily distracted by small objects and has a tendency to create imaginative scenarios with them. As the story progresses, he learns to channel his creativity and sensitivity into a positive outlet, becoming more focused and confident in his abilities. Through his interactions with his coworkers, he gains a deeper understanding of himself and his unique talents, ultimately finding a sense of purpose and belonging. | The character arc for Irving is well-developed and allows for growth and development throughout the screenplay. However, it could benefit from more specific challenges or obstacles that Irving must overcome in order to fully realize his potential. This would add depth to his character and create a more engaging and dynamic storyline. | To improve the character arc for Irving, consider introducing a specific conflict or dilemma that forces him to confront his vulnerabilities and insecurities. This could be a situation where his creativity is challenged or misunderstood, leading him to doubt himself and his abilities. By overcoming this obstacle, Irving can experience true growth and transformation, making his journey more compelling and impactful. |
| helly | Helly starts off as a seasoned and authoritative employee in the culling office, guiding new employees and navigating the mysterious environment with ease. However, as the story progresses, she begins to question the ethics of the culling process and starts to rebel against the rules she once followed. This leads to conflicts with her colleagues and superiors, but ultimately she becomes a leader in the fight for change, using her resourcefulness and empathy to bring about a new way of operating in the office. | The character arc for Helly is well-developed and engaging, showing her growth from a rule-following employee to a rebel leader. However, the transition from following the rules to breaking them could be more clearly motivated. It would also be beneficial to explore Helly's internal struggles and doubts more deeply throughout the story to make her character arc more impactful. | To improve the character arc, consider adding scenes that delve into Helly's past experiences or personal beliefs that lead her to question the culling process. This will provide a stronger foundation for her eventual rebellion and make her character development more believable. Additionally, show more of Helly's internal conflicts and emotional journey as she transitions from following the rules to breaking them, highlighting the challenges she faces in standing up for what she believes in. |
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:
| Pattern | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Emotional Intensity and Scene Progress | |
| Tense Scenes and Character Changes | |
| Mystery and Intrigue | |
| High Stakes and Plot Development | |
| Tone Diversity |
Writer's Craft Overall Analysis
The screenplay demonstrates strong writing craft, with engaging dialogue, well-developed characters, and a unique voice that sets it apart from other works in the genre. The writer effectively blends genres, creates memorable characters and plot twists, and explores complex themes with depth and nuance.
Key Improvement Areas
Dialogue
Several scenes highlighted the writer's skill in creating sharp, witty, and engaging dialogue. To further refine this skill, focusing on character voices and subtext, as well as practicing dialogue-heavy scenes, would be beneficial.
Plot Structure and Pacing
Some scenes effectively built tension and suspense, while others could benefit from exploring different narrative techniques and structures. Studying screenplays with strong pacing and structure, such as 'Save the Cat!' by Blake Snyder, can provide valuable insights.
Character Development
The writer excels in creating well-defined and complex characters. To enhance this aspect, practicing writing scenes with conflicting emotions and motivations, as well as exploring different ethical dilemmas and moral conflicts, can deepen character development and plot complexity.
Suggestions
| Type | Suggestion | Rationale |
|---|---|---|
| Screenplay | Read 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' by Charlie Kaufman | This screenplay showcases a masterful blend of complex characters, existential themes, and engaging dialogue, providing valuable insights for the writer's own storytelling. |
| Video | Watch 'Her' directed by Spike Jonze | This film explores similar themes and storytelling techniques as the writer's screenplay, offering inspiration for developing unique and original narratives. |
| Exercise | Practice writing scenes with non-linear structurePractice In SceneProv | Exploring different narrative formats can help the writer expand their storytelling skills and experiment with new ideas, enhancing the overall impact of their scenes. |
| Exercise | Write a scene with only dialogue, focusing on character dynamics and conflictPractice In SceneProv | By honing their skills in crafting sharp and engaging dialogue, the writer can enhance the impact of their scenes and develop more dynamic characters. |
| Exercise | Practice writing scenes with cryptic dialogue and mysterious settingPractice In SceneProv | Creating tension and intrigue in dialogue and setting is a key element of the writer's style. Practicing this skill will help refine their ability to build suspense and engage the audience. |
Additional Notes: The writer's unique voice and ability to blend genres, create memorable characters, and explore complex themes are commendable. With continued practice, refinement, and exploration of different storytelling techniques and structures, the writer has the potential to create truly exceptional and thought-provoking screenplays.
Stories Similar to this one
| Story | Explanation |
|---|---|
| The Matrix | Both works feature themes of reality being manipulated and controlled by a hidden force, creating a disconnect between the perceived world and the true nature of existence. |
| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind | Both explore the themes of memory manipulation and the consequences of altering one's past, questioning the fluidity of identity and the nature of true self. |
| The Truman Show | Like Severance, this explores the concept of a fabricated reality and the consequences of living in a controlled and isolated environment, blurring the lines between performance and authenticity. |
| The Parallax View | A conspiracy thriller that delves into the theme of powerful organizations operating in secret, manipulating events and eliminating those who pose a threat to their agenda. |
| The Prisoner | The show explores themes of isolation, psychological manipulation, and the struggle for freedom against an oppressive and enigmatic organization. |
| The Adjustment Bureau | Both stories depict the concept of a hidden group controlling people's lives, manipulating their fates, and preventing them from understanding the true nature of their existence. |
| Mr. Robot | An exploration of identity, reality, and the consequences of living in a world shaped by technology and corporate power, with themes of hacking, surveillance, and the blurring of the digital and physical realms. |
| Black Mirror: White Christmas | A technological thriller that examines the dark side of technology and its potential to manipulate memories and control human desires, delving into themes of isolation, identity, and the consequences of unchecked technological advancements. |
| 1984 | A dystopian novel that depicts a totalitarian society where the government exerts complete control over every aspect of its citizens' lives, including their thoughts, memories, and language, highlighting the dangers of authoritarianism and the erosion of individual freedoms. |
| The Game | A psychological thriller that explores the concept of alternate reality games and their potential to manipulate people's perceptions and push them to their limits, questioning the boundaries between reality and fantasy. |
Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay
| Trope | Trope Details | Trope Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Amnesia | Mark wakes up with no memory of his past life. | Amnesia is a common trope in storytelling where a character loses their memory, often leading to confusion and mystery. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Memento' where the protagonist suffers from short-term memory loss. |
| Dystopian Society | Mark finds himself in a strange, sterile office environment with mysterious rules and procedures. | Dystopian society is a trope where the setting of the story is characterized by oppression, control, and dehumanization. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Matrix' where humans are controlled by machines in a simulated reality. |
| Mind Control | Cobel uses a beacon to split Mark's memories between work and personal life. | Mind control is a trope where a character's thoughts, actions, or memories are manipulated by an external force. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'Black Mirror' where technology is used to control people's minds. |
| Existential Crisis | Mark questions his identity, purpose, and choices throughout the screenplay. | Existential crisis is a trope where a character grapples with profound questions about the meaning of life, existence, and their place in the world. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Fight Club' where the protagonist struggles with his sense of self and purpose. |
| Corporate Conspiracy | Cobel and Milchick manipulate Mark into a job with hidden conditions and mind control devices. | Corporate conspiracy is a trope where powerful organizations or individuals engage in secret, unethical activities to achieve their goals. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'Mr. Robot' where a corporation manipulates global events for profit. |
| Mystery Box | Mark encounters mysterious characters and situations that raise questions about his past and future. | Mystery box is a storytelling technique where elements of mystery and intrigue are introduced to captivate the audience and keep them guessing. An example of this trope can be seen in the TV show 'Lost' where characters are stranded on an island with many unanswered questions. |
| Character Arc | Mark undergoes a transformation from confusion and resistance to acceptance and agency. | Character arc is a narrative structure where a character experiences growth, change, and development throughout the story. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' where the protagonist evolves from hopelessness to freedom. |
| Gaslighting | Cobel manipulates Mark's perception of reality and memory to control his behavior. | Gaslighting is a trope where a character is psychologically manipulated to doubt their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Gaslight' where a husband tries to convince his wife that she is going insane. |
| Surrealism | Mark encounters bizarre and dreamlike scenarios, such as a never-ending storage closet and a basement with mind control devices. | Surrealism is a trope where the story includes elements of the subconscious, dreams, and the irrational to create a sense of disorientation and wonder. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' where memories are erased through a surreal procedure. |
| Paranoia | Mark becomes increasingly paranoid as he uncovers hidden agendas and manipulations by Cobel and Milchick. | Paranoia is a trope where a character experiences intense fear, suspicion, and distrust of others, often leading to irrational behavior. An example of this trope can be seen in the movie 'The Truman Show' where the protagonist becomes paranoid about the artificial world around him. |
| Theme | Theme Details | Themee Explanation | ||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Identity and Existence | Mark's struggle to understand his identity and purpose, the questioning of reality and perception, and the manipulation of memories. | The film explores themes of identity and existence through Mark's journey of self-discovery and the manipulation of his memories. The film raises questions about the nature of reality and perception, and the extent to which our identities are shaped by our experiences and memories. | ||||||||||||
Strengthening Identity and Existence:
| ||||||||||||||
| Control and Power | The power dynamics between Cobel, Milchick, and Mark, the surveillance and control of the organization, and the manipulation and exploitation of employees. | The film explores themes of control and power through the relationship between the characters and the organization. Cobel and Milchick represent the authority and control of the organization, while Mark represents the individual struggling against that control. The film depicts the manipulative and exploitative tactics used by the organization to maintain its power. | ||||||||||||
| Isolation and Alienation | Mark's feelings of isolation and alienation, his disconnection from the outside world, and the lack of human connection within the organization. | The film explores themes of isolation and alienation through Mark's experiences. Mark is isolated from the outside world and feels disconnected from his colleagues. The film depicts the emotional and psychological toll that isolation and alienation can take on an individual. | ||||||||||||
| Choice and Morality | Mark's decision to undergo the severance procedure, the ethical implications of the organization's practices, and the consequences of one's choices. | The film explores themes of choice and morality through Mark's decision to undergo the severance procedure. The film raises questions about the ethical implications of the organization's practices and the consequences of one's choices. Mark's decision has a profound impact on his life and the lives of those around him. | ||||||||||||
| Existential Dread | Mark's existential angst and feelings of insignificance, the uncertainty and meaninglessness of life, and the fear of the unknown. | The film explores themes of existential dread through Mark's experiences. Mark grapples with existential angst and feelings of insignificance. The film depicts the fear and uncertainty that can accompany the contemplation of one's own existence and the meaning of life. | ||||||||||||
| Grief and Loss | Mark's grief over the loss of his former life and relationships, the emotional toll of the severance procedure, and the impact of trauma on the human psyche. | The film explores themes of grief and loss through Mark's experiences. Mark grieves the loss of his former life and relationships. The film depicts the emotional toll that the severance procedure takes on Mark and the impact of trauma on the human psyche. | ||||||||||||
| Duality and Paradox | The contrast between Mark's work and personal lives, the tension between his memories and his current existence, and the coexistence of opposing forces. | The film explores themes of duality and paradox through Mark's experiences. Mark's work and personal lives are in conflict, and he struggles to reconcile his memories with his current existence. The film depicts the tension and矛盾s that can arise when opposing forces coexist. | ||||||||||||
Screenwriting Resources on Themes
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Studio Binder | Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters |
| Coverfly | Improving your Screenplay's theme |
| John August | Writing from Theme |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics | Screenwriting basics - beginner video |
| What is theme | Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay. |
| Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script | Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts |
| Voice Analysis | |
|---|---|
| Summary: | The writer's voice is characterized by sharp and witty dialogue, existential themes, and a blend of humor and mystery, creating a distinct and engaging tone. |
| Voice Contribution | The writer's voice contributes to the script by enhancing the mood and themes of each scene, adding depth to the characters and their interactions, and creating a sense of intrigue and uncertainty that keeps the audience engaged. |
| Best Representation Scene | Scene 12 - |
| Best Scene Explanation | This scene is the best representation of the writer's voice because it showcases the blend of dark humor, surreal dialogue, and existential themes that define the script. The dialogue is sharp and witty, revealing the characters' inner thoughts and motivations, while the discussion of the job offer and the consequences of accepting it raises questions about morality, identity, and the nature of work. |
Originality
- Overall originality score: 8.5
- Overall originality explanation: The screenplay exhibits a high level of originality throughout, presenting fresh and intriguing scenarios, thought-provoking concepts, and unconventional character dynamics. The exploration of themes such as control, resistance, guilt, redemption, and the nature of work is done in a unique and engaging manner. The screenplay consistently deviates from familiar tropes and subverts expectations, creating a sense of genuine originality.
- Most unique situations: Some of the most unique situations in the screenplay include a data culling office where employees convert videos into numbers, a psychological experiment involving memory manipulation, a mysterious house that vanishes without a trace, and a surgical procedure that separates an individual's work and personal memories.
- Overall unpredictability score: 9
- Overall unpredictability explanation: The screenplay maintains a high level of unpredictability, keeping the audience guessing and engaged throughout. The narrative takes unexpected turns, introducing new twists and revelations that challenge the viewer's assumptions. Characters' motivations and actions remain enigmatic, adding to the sense of uncertainty and suspense. The screenplay avoids relying on predictable plot devices or formulaic resolutions, resulting in a genuinely unpredictable and captivating viewing experience.
| Goals and Philosophical Conflict | |
|---|---|
| internal Goals | The protagonist's internal goal is to understand his situation and regain his memory, reflecting his fear and confusion in a chaotic environment |
| External Goals | The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the strange environment and potentially find a way out, reflecting the immediate challenges he faces |
| Philosophical Conflict | The overarching philosophical conflict is the clash between individual agency and institutional control, as the protagonist struggles to maintain his identity and autonomy in a manipulated environment. |
Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflicts challenge the protagonist's beliefs about himself, identity, and autonomy, leading to a deeper exploration of his values and choices.
Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflicts drive the protagonist's journey, creating tension and suspense as he navigates the unknown and confronts ethical dilemmas.
Thematic Depth Contribution: The exploration of autonomy, morality, and reality adds complexity and depth to the screenplay's themes, raising questions about identity, control, and ethics.
Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Creative Screenwriting | How Important Is A Character’s Goal? |
| Studio Binder | What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict | How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode. |
| Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great | By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes |
| Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals | By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy? |
World Building
- Physical environment: The world of the script is characterized by a mix of sterile, uncomfortable, and mysterious environments. The offices in which the characters work are depicted as bland and isolating, with fluorescent lighting, pastel prints, and beige walls. In contrast, the hallways and rooms in the mysterious organization are characterized by darkened halls, dimly lit rooms, sharp twists, and translucent glass cubicle walls, creating a sense of confinement and surveillance. The external settings, such as the suburban neighborhood, the video store, and the Victorian house, are more mundane and realistic, but they also contribute to the overall atmosphere of uncertainty and unease.
- Culture: The culture depicted in the screenplay is one of bureaucracy, authoritarianism, and surveillance. The characters are controlled and monitored by a mysterious organization, and their actions are constantly being observed and evaluated. There is a sense of isolation and alienation among the characters, who are often unaware of the true nature of their work and the organization they are serving.
- Society: The society depicted in the screenplay is highly structured and hierarchical. The characters are divided into different classes, with those in higher positions having more power and control over those below them. There is a sense of inequality and injustice, as the lower-class characters are often exploited and mistreated by those in power. The society is also characterized by a lack of transparency and accountability, as the organization that controls the characters' lives is secretive and unaccountable.
- Technology: Technology plays a significant role in the screenplay. The offices and hallways are equipped with surveillance cameras, intercom systems, and other technological devices that are used to monitor and control the characters. The characters also use computers and other devices to perform their work, and these devices are often used as a means of communication and information gathering. The presence of technology in the screenplay contributes to the sense of isolation and alienation among the characters, as they are constantly being watched and monitored.
- Characters influence: The world elements in the screenplay have a profound impact on the characters' experiences and actions. The sterile and uncomfortable office environment creates a sense of isolation and alienation among the characters, who are often unsure of their purpose and place in the organization. The mysterious and oppressive atmosphere of the hallways and rooms in the organization contributes to a sense of paranoia and distrust among the characters, who are constantly worried about being watched and monitored. The external settings, such as the suburban neighborhood, the video store, and the Victorian house, provide a sense of normalcy and familiarity, but they also serve to highlight the characters' isolation and alienation from the outside world.
- Narrative contribution: The world elements in the screenplay contribute to the narrative by creating a sense of mystery and suspense. The sterile and uncomfortable office environment, the mysterious and oppressive atmosphere of the hallways and rooms in the organization, and the external settings, such as the suburban neighborhood, the video store, and the Victorian house, all contribute to a sense of uncertainty and unease that keeps the reader guessing about what will happen next. The world elements also contribute to the narrative by providing a context for the characters' actions. The sterile and uncomfortable office environment, for example, helps to explain why the characters are so isolated and alienated from each other. The mysterious and oppressive atmosphere of the hallways and rooms in the organization helps to explain why the characters are so paranoid and distrustful of each other. The external settings, such as the suburban neighborhood, the video store, and the Victorian house, provide a sense of normalcy and familiarity, but they also serve to highlight the characters' isolation and alienation from the outside world.
- Thematic depth contribution: The world elements in the screenplay contribute to the thematic depth by exploring themes of isolation, alienation, and control. The sterile and uncomfortable office environment, the mysterious and oppressive atmosphere of the hallways and rooms in the organization, and the external settings, such as the suburban neighborhood, the video store, and the Victorian house, all contribute to a sense of isolation and alienation among the characters. The surveillance cameras, intercom systems, and other technological devices that are used to monitor and control the characters contribute to a sense of control and oppression. The screenplay explores these themes through the characters' experiences and actions, and it raises questions about the nature of reality, identity, and free will.
Story Engine Analysis
central conflict
Mark's struggle to uncover his true identity and purpose while navigating a mysterious and oppressive organization.
primary motivations
- Mark's desire to regain his memories and discover his past.
- Cobel's intention to keep Mark within the organization's control.
catalysts
- Mark's decision to enter the archive room.
- Cobel's revelation about Mark's severed memories and choice.
barriers
- The organization's secrecy and control measures.
- Mark's limited knowledge about himself and his surroundings.
- The potential consequences of Mark's actions against the organization.
themes
- Identity and self-discovery
- The power of memory and its manipulation
- Choice and free will versus control and manipulation
stakes
Mark's own identity and existence, as well as the potential consequences for those within the organization if its secrets are revealed.
uniqueness factor
The concept of severance, which allows for a separation between the personal and work lives of individuals, creating a unique and thought-provoking exploration of identity and memory.
audience hook
The mystery surrounding Mark's past and the unsettling atmosphere of the organization, which draws viewers in and keeps them engaged in uncovering the truth.
paradoxical engine or bisociation
paradoxical engine or bisociation 2
Engine: Gemini
Screenplay Rating:
Recommend
Executive Summary
Severance is a highly original and thought-provoking screenplay with strong potential. The concept is unique and engaging, the dialogue is sharp and witty, and the world-building is excellent. However, the pacing could be tightened, and some characters could be further developed. Overall, Severance is a compelling story that is sure to generate interest from audiences and networks.
Strengths
- The concept of 'severance' is highly original and thought-provoking, offering a unique perspective on work-life balance and the potential dangers of technology. high
- The dialogue is sharp, witty, and often darkly humorous, effectively balancing the unsettling aspects of the story. high ( Scene 2 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6 Scene 10 Scene 11 )
- The initial mystery surrounding the severance procedure and Lumon Industries effectively hooks the audience and creates a sense of intrigue. high ( Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 7 )
- The world-building is excellent, with the sterile, unsettling atmosphere of Lumon Industries and the contrasting outside world creating a sense of unease and mystery. medium
- Cobel is a fascinating and complex antagonist, whose motivations and methods are both disturbing and intriguing. medium ( Scene 13 Scene 14 Scene 15 )
Areas of Improvement
- The pacing can be slow at times, particularly in the middle section of the script. Some scenes could be tightened or removed to maintain momentum. medium
- Mark's outside life could be explored in more depth to provide greater context for his character and motivations. medium ( Scene 9 Scene 10 )
- The introduction of Mark's coworkers could be more engaging, perhaps by highlighting their individual personalities and quirks. low ( Scene 5 )
- While intriguing, the characters of Irving and Helly remain somewhat underdeveloped in the pilot episode. low ( Scene 4 Scene 6 Scene 16 )
MissingElements
- The pilot episode raises many questions about the severance procedure and Lumon Industries, but provides few answers. While this is effective in creating intrigue, it could also leave some viewers frustrated. medium
Engine: Claude
Screenplay Rating:
Recommend
Executive Summary
The screenplay for 'Severance' presents a captivating and thought-provoking narrative that explores the ethical and psychological implications of dissociating an individual's work and personal identities. The central premise of the 'severance' procedure, where employees are implanted with work-specific memories and skills, is a compelling hook that drives the story forward and raises a multitude of questions about the nature of identity, free will, and the boundaries between personal and professional life. The characters, while initially enigmatic, are well-developed and compelling, each with their own distinct motivations and struggles that contribute to the overall sense of mystery and tension. The nonlinear structure and the inclusion of unseen, ominous figures further enhance the narrative's intrigue, hinting at a larger, more complex conspiracy at play. While the pacing and development of some supporting characters could be tightened, the overall strength of the screenplay lies in its ability to captivate the audience and leave them with thought-provoking questions about the nature of reality and the human experience.
Strengths
- The screenplay effectively establishes a sense of mystery and intrigue from the very beginning, drawing the audience into an unfolding narrative that raises more questions than it answers. high
- The characters, though enigmatic, are well-developed and compelling, each with their own distinct personalities and motivations that drive the story forward. high
- The underlying premise of the 'severance' procedure is a fascinating and thought-provoking concept, exploring the ethical implications of dissociating an individual's work and personal identities. high
- The screenplay maintains a consistent tone of unease and suspense, creating a captivating atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged throughout. medium
- The nonlinear structure, with flashbacks and jumps in time, adds depth and complexity to the narrative, allowing for deeper exploration of the characters' backstories and the larger mystery at hand. medium
Areas of Improvement
- While the overall narrative is compelling, there are moments where the pacing could be tightened, particularly during the orientation and onboarding process for the new employee, Mark. medium
- Some of the supporting characters, such as Dylan and Irving, could benefit from further development and exploration, as they currently feel somewhat one-dimensional in comparison to the central figures. medium
- The introduction of the 'beacons' and the mechanics of the 'severance' procedure could be explained in more detail, to fully grasp the implications and potential consequences of this technology. medium
MissingElements
- While the screenplay provides a strong foundation for the central mystery, there is limited exploration of the broader societal or corporate context in which this story takes place. Providing more insight into the world outside the 'Severed' office could enhance the narrative's depth and complexity. medium
- The screenplay could benefit from a more distinct and memorable central theme or message, beyond the exploration of the 'severance' concept itself. Incorporating a stronger thematic undercurrent could elevate the narrative's significance and impact. medium
NotablePoints
- The exploration of the 'severance' procedure and its psychological and emotional impact on the characters is a compelling and unique premise that sets this screenplay apart from more conventional workplace narratives. high
- The nonlinear structure and the use of flashbacks and time jumps create a sense of disorientation and uncertainty, mirroring the experience of the characters and heightening the overall sense of mystery. medium
- The introduction of the unseen, ominous figures who seem to be in control of the 'severance' process adds an intriguing layer of menace and intrigue to the narrative, hinting at a larger, more complex conspiracy at play. medium
Engine: GPT4
Screenplay Rating:
Recommend
Executive Summary
Severance is a compelling and intellectually engaging screenplay that explores deep themes of identity and memory through a unique narrative structure. The protagonist's journey is well-developed, and the dialogue is sharp and meaningful. While the pacing could be improved and some scenes simplified for clarity, the overall narrative is strong and offers significant potential for a thought-provoking film.
Strengths
- The screenplay effectively creates suspense and intrigue, particularly in the opening and the climactic scenes, drawing the audience into the mystery of the protagonist's situation. high ( Scene 1 Scene 14 )
- Strong character development, especially with the protagonist, Mark, whose journey from confusion to a deeper, unsettling realization about his life and choices is compelling. high ( Scene 12 Scene 13 )
- The dialogue is sharp and often laden with deeper meaning, providing both exposition and character depth efficiently. medium
- The screenplay's structure, with its clear acts and escalating tension, supports a strong narrative arc. medium ( Scene 16 )
- The unique concept of 'Severance' and its exploration of identity and memory is intellectually stimulating and emotionally engaging. high
Areas of Improvement
- Some scenes may benefit from a slight reduction in complexity to enhance clarity without sacrificing the depth of the narrative. medium
- The pacing in the middle acts can feel slightly uneven, with some sections dragging while others rush, potentially disorienting the viewer. medium ( Scene 5 Scene 6 )
- The emotional transitions of secondary characters could be more developed to enhance their relatability and depth. low
- Greater use of visual storytelling could enhance the screenplay, reducing the reliance on dialogue for exposition. medium
- The ending could be expanded to provide a more satisfying resolution to the protagonist's journey, potentially exploring the long-term implications of his choices. medium
MissingElements
- There is a need for more distinct and memorable settings that could further enhance the mood and themes of the screenplay. low
NotablePoints
- The screenplay's exploration of themes such as identity, memory, and personal autonomy is both timely and timeless, resonating with contemporary societal issues. high
Memorable lines in the script:
| Scene Number | Line |
|---|---|
| 16 | Mark: I'm never going to leave here. |
| 10 | MARK: What kind of monster am I? Who hits a cat and then drives off to interview for a job no sane person would even want? |
| 2 | Mark: I'm being held here. I'm being held against my will. |
| 7 | Woman: I want to see my baby! |
| 6 | Helly: Because you’re more likely to accept it once they’ve broken you some. |