Women talking

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Drama, Thriller, Historical, Mystery, Character Study, Adventure

Setting: Early 20th century, A rural colony, likely in North America

Overview: In a secluded religious colony, a group of women grapples with the aftermath of a series of traumatic events inflicted by the men in their community. As they confront their shared pain and the oppressive structures that bind them, they engage in a profound dialogue about their choices: to stay and fight or to leave in search of freedom. The story unfolds through intimate conversations, flashbacks, and rituals, revealing the complexities of their relationships and the weight of their decisions. Ultimately, the women unite in their resolve to escape their abusive environment, seeking a new life beyond the confines of their patriarchal society.

Themes: Female Agency and Survival, Trauma and Healing, Faith and Forgiveness, Gender Roles and Power Dynamics

Conflict and Stakes: The women's struggle for autonomy and safety against oppressive societal norms and the threat posed by men in their community, particularly Klaas.

Overall Mood: Somber and reflective, with moments of tension and hope.

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

  • Scene 1: The mood is somber and reflective as the women confront their shared trauma and the weight of their experiences.
  • Scene 15: The mood shifts to tense and urgent as the women prepare to leave, highlighting their fears and determination.
  • Scene 30: The mood is tender and hopeful as August and Ona share a moment of connection, symbolizing love amidst chaos.

Standout Features:

  • Unique Hook: The exploration of women's resilience in a patriarchal society, highlighting their collective struggle for autonomy.
  • Plot Twist: The revelation of Klaas's true nature and the extent of his control over the colony, leading to a climactic confrontation.
  • Innovative Ideas: The use of flashbacks and voiceovers to convey the characters' inner thoughts and traumas, enhancing emotional depth.
  • Distinctive Setting: The rural colony setting provides a unique backdrop for the story, contrasting the beauty of nature with the harsh realities of life.

Comparable Scripts:

  • The Handmaid's Tale
  • Little Women
  • The Color Purple
  • Atonement
  • The Crucible
  • The Joy Luck Club
  • Wild
  • The Secret Life of Bees
  • The Nightingale

Writing Style:

The screenplay exhibits a diverse yet cohesive writing style, blending elements of poetic realism, introspective character studies, and socially conscious narratives. While certain scenes lean towards intense action or dark humor, a consistent thread of emotional depth and nuanced character interactions runs throughout.

Style Similarities:

  • Terrence Malick
  • Jane Campion
  • Kelly Reichardt
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Highly Recommend


Explanation: Sarah Polley's 'Women Talking' is a remarkably compelling and nuanced screenplay that transcends its seemingly simple premise. The film's strength lies in its insightful exploration of trauma, faith, and female agency within a deeply patriarchal community. While some might find the pacing deliberate, this allows for profound character development and thematic resonance. The screenplay's unique structure and powerful dialogue contribute to a truly unforgettable cinematic experience.


USP: What sets 'Women Talking' apart is its intimate portrayal of women's voices in a patriarchal society, emphasizing their collective struggle for autonomy and understanding. The screenplay's dialogue-driven format allows for deep character exploration, making it compelling for audiences interested in feminist narratives and social justice themes. Its unique blend of personal and political conflict creates a rich tapestry of storytelling that resonates with contemporary issues.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$15-25 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 18-54, particularly those interested in feminist narratives, historical dramas, and character-driven stories.

Marketability: The screenplay addresses relevant social themes and features strong female characters, appealing to a broad audience interested in empowerment narratives.

The unique setting and historical context provide a fresh perspective that can attract viewers looking for diverse storytelling.

While it has compelling characters and themes, its niche appeal may limit its mainstream marketability.

Profit Potential: Moderate to high, as it could attract critical acclaim and awards, boosting its visibility and box office performance.

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by a potent blend of poetic introspection and gritty realism. It's deeply empathetic, focusing on the internal lives and emotional struggles of women facing societal oppression and trauma. The voice utilizes vivid imagery, both in visual descriptions and metaphorical language, to create a powerful atmosphere of tension, resilience, and quiet defiance. While there's a pervasive sense of melancholy and the weight of the past, the voice also allows for moments of humor and lightheartedness, revealing the characters' strength and ability to find joy amidst hardship.

Best representation: Scene 3 - Reflections at Dusk. This scene best encapsulates the writer's unique voice because it masterfully combines vivid visual imagery with introspective narration to highlight the stark contrast between the suffering of the women and the obliviousness of the men. The juxtaposition of the physical brutality endured by the women on the dusty road with the silent prayer inside the church powerfully conveys the societal injustice and the emotional weight of their experience. The use of August's voiceover provides insightful commentary on the societal judgment and misunderstanding, deepening the emotional impact and thematic resonance of the scene. This scene effectively showcases the blend of poetic introspection and gritty realism, a hallmark of the writer's distinctive style.

Memorable Lines:

  • ONA: They said we were dreaming. But then we realized that we were dreaming one dream and it wasn’t a dream at all. (Scene 4)
  • HELENA: We have only domestic skills. How are we supposed to survive out in the World if we are excommunicated? (Scene 10)
  • PETERS: Go. Go to the city. Get the police. (Scene 13)
  • NEITJE: So if we leave... if we leave... I will never see my brothers again? (Scene 27)
  • Salome: He’s my child. (Scene 58)
Characters

Salome:A strong-willed mother who is protective of her children and grapples with the oppressive societal norms.

August:The colony schoolteacher who has deep feelings for Ona and struggles with his role in the community.

Ona:A pregnant woman who embodies hope and resilience, navigating her fears about motherhood and societal expectations.

Mejal:A character dealing with trauma and the complexities of her identity, representing the struggles of women in the colony.

Agata:A nurturing figure who provides emotional support to the other women and emphasizes the importance of community.

Klaas:An antagonist representing the oppressive forces within the colony, causing fear and conflict among the women.

Story Shape
Summary **Title: "The Dust We Carry"** **Summary:** Set against the backdrop of a rural community grappling with trauma and societal expectations, "The Dust We Carry" weaves together the interconnected stories of the Reimer, Friesen, and Janz women. The screenplay unfolds through reflective dialogues and striking visual metaphors, including flashbacks and contrasting imagery, to explore themes of familial bonds, victimization, and the struggle for autonomy. The narrative begins with the women of the community reflecting on their shared pain and the societal judgments they face, hinting at deeper conflicts that will emerge as they navigate their futures. The story highlights the vulnerability of both the women and the children, such as Aaron, who find themselves at the crossroads between childhood innocence and the harsh realities of their environment. Escalating tensions between the genders manifest through various dramatic encounters, including moments of violence, emotional turmoil, and the search for faith and forgiveness. As the women come together to address their plight and the urgent question of whether to fight or flee from their oppressive circumstances, their discussions lead to differing viewpoints about survival, loyalty, and the cost of forgiveness. Moments of levity, camaraderie, and introspection are juxtaposed with darker themes, creating an emotionally rich narrative that delves into the complexities of their lives as they confront danger. The story escalates with the arrival of Klaas, a figure representing patriarchal control and violence. The women’s collective decision-making culminates in a powerful scene of solidarity as they unite to protect their children. Conflicted yet determined, they prepare to embark on a journey toward freedom, symbolized by their resilience and the supportive bonds they share. Ultimately, "The Dust We Carry" becomes a poignant exploration of trauma, resilience, and the empowering choice of women to reclaim their narratives against overwhelming odds. The screenplay closes with a bittersweet farewell, as they venture into an uncertain but hopeful future, leaving behind a fractured community while holding onto the deep connections forged through struggle and solidarity.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique This screenplay boasts a compelling premise: a women's community grappling with patriarchal oppression and the difficult choice between staying and fighting or leaving. The character arcs, particularly those of Agata, Salome, and Greta, are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and motivations. The use of flashbacks effectively hints at past trauma, adding layers of depth to the narrative. The themes of faith, forgiveness, and female empowerment are potent and resonate throughout. However, the plot occasionally feels diffuse, lacking a central driving conflict that propels the narrative forward with consistent urgency. The numerous subplots, while adding richness, can distract from the core conflict. The pacing is uneven, with some sections feeling slow and others feeling rushed. The resolution feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more emotional impact and a stronger sense of closure.
Suggestions: 1. Sharpen the central conflict. What is the single most pressing issue the women face? Focus the plot around this, streamlining subplots or weaving them more organically into the main narrative. 2. Develop a clearer antagonist. While the men collectively represent oppression, a more defined antagonist (or antagonists) would add focus and tension. 3. Elevate the stakes. What are the concrete consequences of staying or leaving? Make the risks and rewards more tangible. 4. Refine the pacing. Identify sections that drag and cut unnecessary scenes. Conversely, add scenes to build suspense and emotion in areas that feel rushed. 5. Strengthen the resolution. Provide more satisfying closure for the women's individual arcs and the overall struggle of the community. Consider a more powerful image or moment that underscores the enduring spirit and resilience of the women.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The opening scenes effectively establish the setting and introduce the core characters, hinting at the central conflict through the visual style and the mention of past trauma. The familial dynamics are quickly established, creating a sense of community and shared history. However, the beginning feels somewhat slow, lacking a strong inciting incident to immediately grab the audience's attention. The initial scenes focus heavily on establishing relationships and atmosphere, which while important, could benefit from a more immediate sense of urgency or a clear point of conflict to propel the story forward.
Suggestions: 1. Introduce a more immediate inciting incident, such as a specific act of violence or oppression that clearly sets the stage for the women's upcoming choices. 2. Prioritize character introductions and dynamics to those most pivotal to the central conflict. 3. Consider a more visually striking or emotionally impactful opening scene that immediately grabs the audience's attention and establishes the stakes. 4. More quickly establish the nature of the oppression the women face, making the urgency of their situation clear from the start.
Middle The middle section effectively develops the characters and their relationships, exploring the complexities of their situation through various subplots. The scenes in the hayloft provide opportunities for intimate conversations and character development, creating a strong sense of community. The emotional depth is noteworthy, particularly in the scenes depicting the women's shared trauma and their struggles with faith and forgiveness. However, the pacing is somewhat uneven, with some sections feeling slower than others, which makes it difficult for the audience to maintain the same level of engagement throughout. The various subplots, while adding texture to the story, occasionally distract from the main conflict.
Suggestions: 1. Streamline the subplots, focusing on those that directly contribute to the central conflict and character arcs. 2. Ensure a consistent pacing by identifying and shortening sections that feel slow and expanding or adding scenes where engagement lags. 3. Create a clearer sense of rising action by escalating the conflict between the women and the men, or among the women themselves. 4. Strengthen the connections between seemingly disparate subplots to create a more unified and compelling narrative.
Ending The ending of the screenplay presents a bittersweet resolution, emphasizing the women's resilience and the hope for a new beginning. The final image of the women leaving the colony is visually powerful, but the overall impact of the ending could be enhanced by a stronger sense of closure. The resolution feels somewhat abrupt; further development of the consequences of their actions and the future of their new community would provide a more satisfying conclusion. Several loose threads are left untied, creating a sense of incompleteness.
Suggestions: 1. Expand the resolution, showing the consequences of their choices more explicitly. How do they manage in their new location? What challenges do they face? 2. Offer a clearer sense of closure for individual character arcs, particularly for those who made major sacrifices or experienced significant personal growth. 3. Provide a more powerful and emotionally resonant final scene that leaves a lasting impression on the audience. 4. Tie up loose ends, providing a sense of completion for the various subplots and unanswered questions.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - Echoes of Resilience Intense, Emotional, Reflective 8.5 9 89 9 898687889 99888
2 - Balancing Act Suspenseful, Mysterious, Serious 8.5 9 89 8 687777877 79888
3 - Silent Suffering Serious, Mysterious, Tense 8.5 9 89 8 887978978 99888
4 - Reflections at Dusk Reflective, Emotional, Mysterious 8.5 9 89 9 887778879 89888
5 - Choices in the Night Somber, Reflective, Intimate 8.5 9 88 9 887676779 99888
6 - Joy and Ritual: A Day in the Colony Somber, Reflective, Intimate 8.5 9 89 8 787374679 79888
7 - The Departure Somber, Reflective, Tense 8.5 9 88 9 887888879 89888
8 - Whispers in the Hayloft Somber, Reflective, Tender 8.5 8 89 9 887566779 89888
9 - The Vote in the Barn Somber, Reflective, Tense 8.5 8 89 9 787778879 89888
10 - Divided Loyalties in the Hayloft Serious, Contemplative, Tense 8.5 9 88.5 9 887.5989889 998.588
11 - A Heartfelt Farewell Reflective, Somber, Tender 8.5 8 89 9 787778779 79888
12 - Primal Responses Tense, Reflective, Contemplative 8.5 8 88 9 887888889 99888
13 - Chaos at the Shed Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful 8.5 8 99 8 889989979 89888
14 - The Weight of Forgiveness Serious, Contentious, Reflective 8.5 9 99 9 887989989 99888
15 - Haunted Reflections Haunting, Anxious, Reflective 8.5 8 89 9 887777879 89888
16 - Divided Voices in the Hayloft Serious, Reflective, Contentious 8.5 9 89 9 887888989 99888
17 - Voices in the Hayloft Serious, Reflective, Contentious, Humorous 8.5 9 89 9 898988889 99888
18 - Unity in Prayer and Song Somber, Reflective, Tender, Emotional, Contemplative 8.5 8 89 8 687374679 99888
19 - From Trauma to Harmony Somber, Reflective, Unity, Humorous 8.5 9 88 9 786768869 98877
20 - Reflections on Identity Reflective, Somber, Contemplative 8.5 9 89 8 886766779 98887
21 - Shadows of Grief Tense, Emotional, Disturbing 8.5 9 89 9 887878889 89888
22 - Silent Concerns Somber, Reflective, Tense 8.5 8 88 9 886767769 97888
23 - Reflections by the Barn Reflective, Introspective, Nostalgic 8.5 8 88 9 787675779 99898
24 - Domestic Disruption Somber, Reflective, Tense, Light-hearted 8.5 8 98 9 887979978 89888
25 - A Day of Distraction Somber, Reflective, Introspective, Nostalgic 8.5 8 88 9 887777779 89888
26 - Tensions in the Hayloft Serious, Reflective, Tense, Somber, Humorous 8.5 8 99 9 887989979 89888
27 - Unspoken Bonds Reflective, Contemplative, Concerned 8.5 8 89 9 887878879 99888
28 - Fading Hopes in the Hayloft Somber, Reflective, Contemplative 8.5 8 89 8 687374569 77888
29 - Tender Moments in the Hayloft Contemplative, Tender, Awkward, Silent, Laughter 8.5 8 88 9 687362579 79888
30 - Determined Resolve Contemplative, Emotional, Reflective 9.2 9 99 10 8877778710 99888
31 - Lanterns and Uncertainty Contemplative, Tense, Mystical 8.7 9 99 9 987989979 99888
32 - Echoes of Pain Intense, Emotional, Primal 8.5 8 89 9 886777889 89887
33 - Twilight Decisions Intense, Reflective, Contemplative 9.2 10 98 9 9989899810 99989
34 - Reflections of Forgiveness Reflective, Contemplative, Introspective 8.5 9 89 9 887677879 99888
35 - Morning Joy: A Grandmother's Love Reflective, Contemplative, Hopeful 8.5 8 88 9 897357869 89888
36 - Twilight Decisions Serious, Reflective, Emotional 9.2 9 99 9 9879899710 99888
37 - Playful Beginnings, Somber Reflections Contemplative, Serious, Reflective 8.5 9 89 9 887879879 99888
38 - The Reckless Joy of Youth Reflective, Contemplative, Somber 8.5 8 89 9 887677879 99888
39 - Awkward Affection Reflective, Tender, Awkward 8.5 8 88 9 886475779 88899
40 - Urgency in the Hayloft Tense, Emotional, Reflective, Urgent, Humorous 8.5 8 99 8 887889979 89888
41 - Twilight Tensions Tense, Reflective, Introspective 8.5 8 89 9 887878879 98888
42 - Faith and Family in the Twilight Reflective, Supportive, Uplifting 8.5 8 88 9 787376869 98899
43 - Twilight Tensions Somber, Concerned, Dreadful 8.5 8 88 9 887.5788879 898.588
44 - Whispers of Uncertainty Tense, Urgent, Mysterious 8.5 8 99 8 887878979 89888
45 - The Weight of Responsibility Anxious, Tense, Somber 8.5 8 98 8 887879979 89888
46 - Twilight Tensions Tense, Somber, Concerned 8.2 8 88 9 787777878 89888
47 - Tension in the Night Tense, Anxious, Nervous 8.5 9 87 9 787879878 79888
48 - Navigating Hope Reflective, Instructional, Hopeful 8.5 9 89 9 898376879 99888
49 - A Circle of Strength Hopeful, Reflective, Emotional, Serious 9.2 9 99 9 9989899710 99888
50 - The Distant Hymn Tense, Panic, Anxious, Somber, Reflective 8.5 8 98 8 887989979 89888
51 - Tender Moments in the Hayloft Tender, Nostalgic, Compassionate 9.2 9 99 10 7872736710 89888
52 - A New Dawn: Farewells and Hope Emotional, Tense, Hopeful, Reflective 9.2 9 99 9 9989799710 99888
53 - Echoes of Desire Reflective, Emotional, Tender 8.5 8 89 8 786374679 79888
54 - Cycles of Life Reflective, Tender, Anxious 8.5 8 86 9 886637859 87788
55 - Harvest of Innocence and Distress Emotional, Reflective, Tender, Anxious 9.2 9 99 9 9878699710 99888
56 - Betrayal and Confrontation Tense, Anxious, Emotional, Urgent, Panic 8.5 8 99 8 887888989 89888
57 - Struggles in the Wind Reflective, Melancholic, Contemplative 8.5 8 79 9 785334549 76787
58 - A Bittersweet Farewell Tense, Emotional, Urgent, Reflective 8.5 8 99 8 887778989 99888
59 - The Departure Tension, Hope, Unity 8.5 8 98 8 887879979 89988
60 - Echoes of Departure Reflective, Emotional, Hopeful 9.2 9 99 9 8873667610 87888


Scene 1 - Echoes of Resilience
WOMEN TALKING



Screenplay by


Sarah Polley




Based on the book by Miriam Toews




April 12th, 2021-PRODUCTION DRAFT
May 31st, 2021-BLUE REVISIONS
June 21st, 2021-PINK REVISIONS
June 25th, 2021-YELLOW REVISIONS
July 3rd, 2021-GREEN REVISIONS
July 8th, 2021-SALMON REVISIONS
July 9th, 2021-GOLDENROD REVISIONS
July 10th, 2021-BUFF REVISIONS
July 18th, 2021-CHERRY REVISIONS
July 29th, 2021-TAN REVISIONS
August 9th, 2021-DOUBLE BLUE REVISIONS
August 16, 2021-DOUBLE PINK REVISIONS
(44, 44A, 93, 93A)
THE WOMEN:

THE REIMER WOMEN: *

Greta, the eldest

Mariche, the eldest daughter of Greta

Mejal, a younger daughter of Greta

Autje, a daughter of Mariche



THE FRIESEN WOMEN:

Agata, the eldest

Ona, the eldest daughter of Agata

Salome, a younger daughter of Agata

Neitje, a niece of Salome



THE JANZ WOMEN:

Scarface, the eldest

Anna, the eldest daughter of Scarface

Helena, the granddaughter of Scarface/daughter of Anna


VISUAL NOTE:

The flashbacks of trauma will be shot at 15fps and there will
be a “roar” over these scenes, animal and/or machine-like.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a rural setting, the scene introduces the Reimer, Friesen, and Janz women, highlighting their familial bonds and shared trauma. Through reflective dialogue and the use of flashbacks shot at 15fps, the emotional weight of their experiences is conveyed. The somber tone hints at underlying tensions and struggles, setting the stage for deeper narratives to unfold as the women navigate their collective past.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external plot progression
  • Reliance on dialogue for exposition

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene sets a powerful tone with its intense and emotional dialogue, showcasing the deep-rooted trauma and resilience of the characters. The unique structure and portrayal of the women's conversations elevate the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring intergenerational trauma and resilience within a Mennonite community is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively delves into complex themes of power dynamics and female agency.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is focused on character dynamics and emotional revelations rather than traditional plot development. It serves to deepen the audience's understanding of the characters' experiences and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and powerful approach to addressing themes of abuse, trauma, and empowerment within a conservative community. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are richly developed, each with their own distinct personalities and struggles. The scene allows for meaningful character interactions and reveals layers of complexity within the relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases subtle but significant changes in the characters' perspectives and relationships, particularly in how they navigate their trauma and assert their agency. These changes contribute to the overall character development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to reclaim their agency and speak out against the injustices they have faced. This reflects their deeper need for empowerment, their fear of retaliation, and their desire for justice and change.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to come to a collective decision on how to address the abuse they have suffered and to find a way to protect themselves and future generations from further harm. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their vulnerability and the challenges they face in confronting the perpetrators.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with trauma and societal expectations. While there are tensions within the relationships, the conflict is primarily driven by the characters' internal battles.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the women facing internal and external obstacles that challenge their beliefs, values, and sense of identity. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and psychological, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships. While there are tensions and conflicts, the stakes revolve around the characters' agency and resilience.

Story Forward: 8

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations. It lays the groundwork for future developments and reveals key insights into the characters' experiences.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the complex dynamics between the characters, the uncertain outcome of their decision, and the unexpected revelations that emerge during their discussion.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between the traditional beliefs and values of the Mennonite community, which prioritize obedience and submission, and the women's newfound sense of agency and desire for justice. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the inherent goodness of their community and the importance of loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, resilience, and hope in the audience. The portrayal of trauma and resilience resonates deeply, creating a powerful connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional depth of the characters' experiences. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and resilience of the women through their conversations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, the high stakes involved, and the characters' compelling struggles and conflicts. The audience is drawn into the story and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative description enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The use of visual notes enhances the reader's understanding of the tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. It adheres to the expected format for its genre while also incorporating unique elements.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces the main characters and their familial relationships, which is crucial for establishing the emotional stakes of the narrative. However, the dialogue lacks distinct voices for each character, making it difficult for the audience to differentiate between them. This can lead to confusion and disengagement.
  • The mention of shared trauma is a strong thematic element, but it feels somewhat vague in this scene. Providing specific examples or hints about the nature of this trauma could deepen the audience's emotional connection and investment in the characters' journeys.
  • The visual note about flashbacks being shot at 15fps with a 'roar' overlay is intriguing and suggests a unique stylistic choice. However, it might be beneficial to clarify how this will be integrated into the scene. Will the flashbacks occur during the dialogue, or will they be separate? This could affect pacing and audience comprehension.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describing the setting, sounds, and even smells can immerse the audience in the world of the characters, enhancing their emotional experience.
  • While the familial dynamics are introduced, the scene could explore the emotional undercurrents of these relationships more deeply. For instance, showing a moment of tension or affection could provide insight into the characters' personalities and their histories.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a unique speech pattern or catchphrase to help distinguish their voices in dialogue. This will make it easier for the audience to follow the conversation and connect with each character.
  • Incorporate specific references to the trauma the women have experienced, perhaps through a brief anecdote or a shared memory. This will ground the emotional stakes and make the theme of trauma more tangible.
  • Clarify the integration of flashbacks within the scene. If they are meant to occur during the dialogue, consider using visual cues or transitions to signal these moments to the audience.
  • Enhance the scene's sensory details by describing the environment more vividly. For example, mention the weather, the sounds of nature, or the physical sensations the characters experience as they talk.
  • Explore the emotional dynamics between the characters more explicitly. A moment of conflict, support, or vulnerability can add depth to their relationships and engage the audience more effectively.



Scene 2 - Balancing Act
1 EXT. SCHOOLHOUSE - MORNING 1

A BOYS FEET WALK ALONG A THIN FENCE. AARON, (13) balances on
a fence. We follow him as he walks along the fence all the
way along a path that leads to a barn. We follow him around
the barn and the pen where a couple of YEARLINGS graze. He is
followed, in complete silence, by a group of about 14 BOYS
who walk on the ground beside him, watching his every move,
wondering if he will fall.

Beside them walks the SCHOOL TEACHER, AUGUST, who watches him
silently, willing him not to fall.
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 2.


AARON manages to walk the entire length of the fence, around
the paddock, until its end. When he is done, he hops down and
the boys erupt in rapturous applause, as August watches them
closely.

August looks off into the distance, where he sees a GROUP OF
MEN coming towards the boys, looking stern.

AUGUST (V.O.)
The attacks were originally
attributed to ghosts and demons.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense morning scene outside a schoolhouse, 13-year-old Aaron skillfully balances on a thin fence, captivating a group of 14 boys who cheer him on. Their teacher, August, watches with concern as Aaron completes his walk, earning applause from his peers. However, August's gaze shifts to a group of stern men approaching in the distance, hinting at an impending conflict.
Strengths
  • Establishing mystery and suspense
  • Setting up central conflict
  • Engaging tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively establishes a sense of mystery and intrigue, setting the stage for future developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mysterious attacks attributed to ghosts and demons adds depth and intrigue to the narrative, promising an engaging storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced by introducing the mysterious threat and setting up potential conflicts and challenges for the characters to face.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, with a focus on the internal and external conflicts of the protagonist. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7.5

While the characters are not deeply explored in this scene, their reactions to the unseen threat hint at potential development and challenges they may face.

Character Changes: 6

While no significant character changes occur in this scene, the introduction of the unseen threat hints at potential challenges and growth for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Aaron's internal goal in this scene is to prove his skill and bravery to the other boys. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and validation from his peers.

External Goal: 7

Aaron's external goal is to successfully walk along the fence without falling. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in front of the other boys.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The mention of attacks attributed to ghosts and demons creates an underlying conflict and sense of danger, driving the plot forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the risk of Aaron falling and the approaching group of men adding to the suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The mention of attacks attributed to ghosts and demons raises the stakes and creates a sense of danger and urgency for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central mystery and conflict, moving the story forward and engaging the audience in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know if Aaron will fall or how the approaching group of men will affect the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of bravery and risk-taking versus safety and caution. Aaron taking the risk to walk along the fence challenges the values of safety and caution represented by August.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and anticipation, setting the stage for emotional engagement as the story unfolds.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal in this scene but effectively conveys the tension and mystery surrounding the unseen threat.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the clear goals of the protagonist, and the impending danger introduced by the approaching group of men.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax, and resolution. It effectively conveys the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of tension and anticipation through Aaron's balancing act on the fence, which serves as a metaphor for the precariousness of childhood and the looming threat of adulthood represented by the group of men in the distance.
  • The use of silence among the group of boys creates a palpable atmosphere, emphasizing their focus and the weight of the moment. However, the scene could benefit from more varied reactions from the boys to enhance their individual personalities and the dynamics within the group.
  • August's character is introduced as a concerned observer, which adds depth to the scene. However, his internal conflict or emotional stakes could be more explicitly conveyed to create a stronger connection with the audience. A brief moment of reflection or a line of dialogue could help clarify his feelings about the boys' actions and the approaching men.
  • The transition from the boys' applause to the voiceover about the attacks feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene, perhaps by incorporating a visual cue or a moment of silence that allows the audience to absorb the applause before shifting to the darker themes introduced in the voiceover.
  • The voiceover introduces a significant thematic element regarding the perception of violence and trauma, but it lacks specificity. Providing a clearer context or a more personal reflection from August could deepen the audience's understanding of the implications of these attacks and their relevance to the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding brief character moments or reactions from the boys during Aaron's balancing act to showcase their personalities and relationships, which would enrich the scene.
  • Enhance August's emotional stakes by including a line of dialogue or a moment of introspection that reveals his thoughts on the boys' actions and the approaching men, creating a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Create a smoother transition between the boys' applause and the voiceover by incorporating a moment of silence or a visual cue that allows the audience to process the joy before introducing the darker themes.
  • Clarify the voiceover by providing more context or a personal reflection from August regarding the attacks, which would help the audience grasp the significance of the trauma being referenced.



Scene 3 - Silent Suffering
2 EXT. ROAD - MORNING 2

A GROUP OF 7 WOMEN walk along a dusty road. A WIND picks up.
They hold onto their hats.


3 INT. CHURCH - MORNING 3

DOZENS OF MEN bow, their heads on the floor in silent prayer.

AUGUST (V.O.)
When the women woke up feeling
drowsy and in pain, their bodies
bruised and bleeding, many believed
they were being made to suffer as
punishment for their sins.
Many accused the women of lying for
attention or to cover up adultery.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a somber morning scene, seven women struggle against a strong wind on a dusty road, their bruised and bleeding bodies reflecting their pain. Inside a church, men bow in silent prayer, unaware of the women's plight. August's voiceover reveals the societal judgment they face, with many believing their suffering is punishment for sins, while others accuse them of deceit. The scene highlights the stark contrast between the women's victimization and the men's solemnity, emphasizing the misunderstanding and injustice surrounding their experiences.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Mystery
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a tense and mysterious atmosphere, hinting at a deeper conflict and trauma that will unfold. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of unease and intrigue, drawing the audience in.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the aftermath of a mysterious event and the accusations against the women, is compelling and sets up a central conflict that will drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, introducing a key conflict that will impact the characters and drive the story forward. The accusations against the women add depth and intrigue to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on societal judgment and suffering, with a focus on the internal struggles of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined through their actions and reactions to the accusations. The tension and fear they exhibit help to establish their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the accusations and reactions of the characters hint at potential growth and development as the narrative progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene may be to find a way to cope with the accusations and suffering they are facing. This reflects their deeper need for understanding and justice, as well as their fear of being misunderstood or mistreated.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene may be to navigate the societal judgment and accusations being thrown at them. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the form of false accusations and suffering.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the accusations against the women creating tension and division within the community. The sense of fear and suspicion adds depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with societal judgment and false accusations creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the accusations against the women have serious consequences for their reputation and well-being. The sense of fear and suspicion adds weight to the conflict.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a key conflict and establishing the tone and themes that will drive the narrative. It sets up future developments and raises questions that will need to be answered.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected accusations and societal judgment faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional beliefs and the reality of the women's suffering. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, suspicion, and empathy for the women who are accused. The sense of injustice and betrayal adds depth to the emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the sense of fear and suspicion among the characters, adding depth to their interactions and hinting at underlying tensions within the community.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and conflict between the characters, as well as the emotional depth conveyed through the voiceover.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the women walking along the road to the men in prayer is visually striking, but the connection between the two scenes could be strengthened. The juxtap of the women's struggle against the wind and the men's silent prayer could be more thematically linked to enhance the emotional impact.
  • August's voiceover provides crucial context about the women's suffering, but it feels somewhat detached from the visual action. Integrating the voiceover more closely with the women's physical experience could create a more immersive and poignant moment. For instance, showing the women's expressions or physical reactions as August speaks could deepen the audience's emotional engagement.
  • The scene's tone is somber and reflective, which is appropriate given the subject matter. However, the pacing could benefit from a more dynamic rhythm. The slow, contemplative nature of the scene might risk losing the audience's attention. Introducing subtle actions or interactions among the women could help maintain engagement.
  • The dialogue is entirely in voiceover, which can be effective, but it may also create a distance between the audience and the characters. Consider incorporating some dialogue among the women as they walk, allowing them to express their feelings or fears, which would add depth to their characters and make their experiences more relatable.
  • The visual description of the women holding onto their hats in the wind is a strong image, but it could be expanded to include more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the wind, the dust swirling around them, or their physical discomfort could enhance the atmosphere and draw the audience further into the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of interaction among the women as they walk, perhaps sharing a word of comfort or expressing their fears, to create a stronger emotional connection.
  • Integrate the voiceover with the visual action by showing the women's physical reactions to the voiceover, such as flinching at the mention of their bruises or exchanging worried glances.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing the sounds of the wind, the feel of the dust, or the expressions on the women's faces to create a more immersive experience.
  • Explore the possibility of including a moment of silence or a shared glance among the women that reflects their understanding of their shared trauma, reinforcing their bond.
  • Consider varying the pacing of the scene by introducing small actions or gestures that reflect the women's emotional states, which could help maintain audience engagement.



Scene 4 - Reflections at Dusk
4 EXT. FIELD - SUNSET (ONE WEEK PRIOR TO THE VOTE) 4

Ona, Salome, Salome’s 3 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER MIEP, and August
sit in a field. They stare out over the fields, at Miep
playing in the soy field.

SALOME
Hundreds of times. All of us.

Salome watches Miep. They all stare in silence at her for a
while. WE FOLLOW MIEP, her fragile little body, as she
creates a path through the soy field, as we hear the adults’
conversation, low in the background.
Pink Rev. (06/21/21) 3.


ONA
They said we were dreaming.
But then we realized that we were
dreaming one dream and it wasn’t a
dream at all.

We come back to August’s face, tears streaming out of his
eyes. He tries to quickly wipe them away. Salome looks at
him, she looks away. We go with Miep, deeper into the field.

SALOME (O.S.)
They told us that it was Satan. Or
the result of wild female
imagination.

OVER MIEP WALKING INTO THE DISTANCE WE SEE THE FOLLOWING
TEXT:

“WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN ACT OF FEMALE IMAGINATION.”

OVER BLACK:

ONA (V.O.)
I’m glad you’re back August. It’s
good that you came back.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a soy field at sunset, Ona, Salome, Miep, and August gather to reflect on their painful past experiences and the societal dismissal they faced. While Miep plays innocently, the adults engage in a somber conversation about their struggles, with Salome recalling accusations of dreaming and August visibly emotional. The scene captures the tension between the innocence of youth and the weight of adult burdens, ending with Ona expressing relief at August's return, highlighting their deep emotional ties.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing concept
  • Strong performances
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' experiences while introducing a sense of mystery surrounding their shared trauma. The use of visuals and voiceover enhances the storytelling, creating a compelling atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of exploring shared trauma through the perspectives of different characters is intriguing and sets up a compelling narrative thread. The scene effectively introduces this concept and hints at deeper layers that will be explored in the screenplay.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the characters' reflections on their past experiences, setting up a mystery that will likely drive the narrative forward. The scene introduces key themes and conflicts that will likely be developed further in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the power of imagination and societal expectations, blending emotional depth with symbolic imagery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed through their interactions and inner thoughts, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles. The scene sets up potential character arcs and dynamics that will likely be explored in more depth as the story progresses.

Character Changes: 8

The scene hints at potential character growth and development as the characters confront their past traumas and inner demons. The emotional weight of their experiences suggests that they may undergo significant changes as the story unfolds.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with the past and find peace in the present. August's tears and emotional response indicate a deeper need for closure and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reconnect with his companions and find a sense of belonging and understanding.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces internal conflicts within the characters as they grapple with their past experiences and the judgments of others. While there is no overt external conflict, the emotional turmoil and tension are palpable.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but emotionally impactful, as the characters navigate societal expectations and personal beliefs. The uncertainty of how they will reconcile their differences adds tension and depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for the characters as they grapple with their past traumas, societal judgments, and internal conflicts. The emotional weight of their experiences suggests that the outcomes of their struggles will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key themes, conflicts, and character dynamics that will likely drive the narrative. It sets up mysteries and emotional arcs that will be explored in more depth in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional complexity and depth of the characters' interactions. The shifting perspectives and non-linear structure add an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the societal perception of female imagination and the characters' personal beliefs in the power of dreams and creativity. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they navigate through societal expectations and personal truths.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and hope in the audience. The characters' struggles and the contrast between the child's innocence and the adults' pain create a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, adding depth to their interactions. The use of voiceover enhances the storytelling, providing insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, symbolic imagery, and thematic exploration. The characters' introspection and the poetic language draw the reader into the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is deliberate and contemplative, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional resonance. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative description enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the emotional tone and thematic elements, using visual cues and dialogue to create a rich and immersive experience for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, weaving between past and present moments to create a reflective and introspective atmosphere. This structure enhances the emotional depth of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the characters' experiences, particularly through August's tears and the juxtaposition of Miep's innocence with the adults' somber reflections. This contrast highlights the impact of trauma on both the children and adults, creating a poignant moment.
  • The dialogue is impactful, especially Ona's line about realizing they were dreaming one dream. However, it could benefit from more specificity or imagery to deepen the emotional resonance. The phrase 'dreaming one dream' feels abstract; providing a clearer context or metaphor could enhance understanding.
  • The use of silence and the visual focus on Miep playing in the soy field is a strong choice, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the adults' conversation without needing to hear every word. However, the transition between the adults' dialogue and Miep's actions could be smoother to maintain narrative flow.
  • The text overlay, 'WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN ACT OF FEMALE IMAGINATION,' is intriguing but may feel abrupt to some viewers. It could be more effective if it tied directly into the preceding dialogue or visuals, creating a stronger thematic connection.
  • The emotional tone is consistent, but the pacing could be adjusted. The scene feels slightly rushed towards the end, particularly with the transition to the text overlay. Allowing a moment of silence or reflection after the dialogue could enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding Ona's dialogue to include more vivid imagery or specific memories that illustrate the trauma they experienced. This could help ground the abstract concept of 'dreaming one dream' in a more relatable context.
  • Enhance the transition between the adults' conversation and Miep's actions by incorporating more visual cues or sound design that connects the two elements, reinforcing the contrast between innocence and trauma.
  • Revisit the placement and timing of the text overlay. It might be more effective to introduce it after a moment of silence or reflection, allowing the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the scene before presenting the thematic statement.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a brief moment of dialogue or interaction between the adults after August's tears are revealed. This could provide a deeper insight into their emotional states and strengthen their connections with one another.
  • Consider using a more gradual build-up to the emotional climax of the scene, allowing the audience to fully engage with the characters' feelings before the text overlay appears. This could enhance the overall impact of the moment.



Scene 5 - Choices in the Night
5 INT. SALOME'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 5

NEITJE (15), hunches over a drawing. SALOME (35), MARICHE,
(29), MEJAL (33), ONA (40), AGATA (70), and GRETA (60), AUTJE
(16) watch her as she draws.

Salome points to three separate drawings as Neitje tells her
what they signify. Salome points to a drawing of a field with
clouds over it.

NEITJE
“Do nothing.”

Salome points at a drawing of a man and a woman, knives drawn
towards each other in battle.

SALOME
“Stay and fight.”

Salome points to a drawing of a horse, it’s back to us.

SALOME/NEITJE
“Leave.”

Salome pats Neitje’s shoulder, approvingly.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 4.


6 EXT DILAPIDATED BARN - MORNING 6

August holds a gun in his hand. He seems to be walking in
circles in the field, unsure what to do.

AUGUST (V.O.)
I have been in love with Ona
Friesen for most of my life. This
morning she found me, having lost
my faith in everything.

We are behind Ona, walking towards him on the path. She sees
the gun by his side.

ONA
August.

He is startled and tries to hide the gun.

ONA (CONT'D)
Where are you going?

AUGUST
Nowhere.

Ona smiles at him. She thinks for a moment. She comes very
close to him, her face very close to his.

ONA
Early this morning I saw a squirrel
and a rabbit.

A pause.

AUGUST
Oh.

ONA
The squirrel charged the rabbit.
Just as the squirrel was about to
make contact with the rabbit, the
rabbit leapt straight up into the
air. Then the squirrel turned
around and charged the rabbit from
the other direction and the rabbit
leapt into the air and the squirrel
missed.

August looks at her, bemused.

ONA (CONT'D)
They were playing!
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 4A.


AUGUST
Is that so?

ONA
Maybe I wasn’t meant to have seen
them playing. It was very early in
the morning, and I was the only one
roaming around.

AUGUST
But you really saw that?

ONA
Yes. I saw it with my own eyes.

Ona watches him closely for a long time. She takes August’s
arm and pulls him with her.

ONA (CONT'D)
We need you.

AUGUST
What do you need me for?

ONA
We need you to take the minutes of
our meeting.

She walks away. She looks behind her, to make sure he
follows. He does.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the intimate setting of Salome's kitchen at night, 15-year-old Neitje shares her drawings that symbolize different life choices with Salome and other women. As Neitje explains the significance of each drawing, Salome encourages her with thoughtful questions and supportive gestures, fostering a nurturing atmosphere. The scene highlights the bond between them, culminating in Salome's approving pat on Neitje's shoulder.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character relationships
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing dynamics for future development. The dialogue is poignant and the visuals are evocative, creating a strong impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of choice and support is central to the scene, as seen through Neitje's drawings and Ona's conversation with August. The scene effectively explores these themes through character interactions and dialogue.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through the characters' emotional revelations and the establishment of their relationships. While there is no major external conflict, the internal conflicts and dynamics set the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique visual elements through Neitje's drawings and explores philosophical themes through the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Each character brings a unique perspective to the scene, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships throughout the scene. Neitje's drawings and Ona's interaction with August hint at deeper emotional shifts to come.

Internal Goal: 8

Neitje's internal goal is to express herself through her drawings and receive approval from Salome. This reflects her need for validation and recognition of her talent.

External Goal: 7

August's external goal is to figure out what to do with the gun in his hand and navigate his feelings for Ona. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his relationship with her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no overt external conflict in the scene, there are underlying tensions and emotional conflicts that drive the character interactions. The conflict is more internal and emotional in nature.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal conflicts and difficult decisions that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional stakes for the characters are significant. The decisions they make and the support they offer each other have a profound impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships. It sets the stage for future developments and conflicts within the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the characters' dialogue and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the ideas of doing nothing, staying and fighting, and leaving. These choices represent different approaches to conflict and decision-making, challenging the characters' beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences and struggles. The somber tone and intimate conversations evoke a strong emotional response.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional depth of the characters' experiences. It effectively conveys the themes of choice, support, and unity within the group of women.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the tension in their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a moment of reflection and decision-making among the women, showcasing their emotional states and the weight of their choices. However, the dialogue could benefit from more depth and nuance to enhance the emotional stakes. The current lines feel somewhat expository and could be more evocative to better convey the gravity of the decisions being illustrated through Neitje's drawings.
  • The visual descriptions of the drawings are a strong element, but the scene could further explore the reactions of the women as they observe Neitje's drawings. Their facial expressions, body language, and any unspoken thoughts could add layers to the scene, making it more dynamic and engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, especially with the transition from the drawings to the next scene. Allowing for a moment of silence or reflection after Neitje explains each drawing could enhance the emotional impact and give the audience time to absorb the significance of the choices presented.
  • The character of Neitje is introduced but not fully developed in this scene. Providing a brief insight into her feelings about the drawings or her perspective on the choices could create a stronger connection between her and the audience, making her a more relatable character.
  • The dialogue between Ona and August in the following scene is charming and whimsical, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the weight of the previous scene. A smoother transition or a thematic link between the two scenes could help maintain the emotional continuity and reinforce the overarching narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue, allowing the characters to express their fears, hopes, and regrets regarding the choices represented in Neitje's drawings.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the women as they observe Neitje's drawings. This could include gasps, nods, or even tears, which would help convey the emotional weight of the decisions they face.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or reflection after Neitje explains each drawing, giving the audience time to process the significance of the choices and the emotional stakes involved.
  • Develop Neitje's character further by including a line or two that reveals her feelings about the drawings and the choices they represent, making her more relatable and grounded in the scene.
  • Create a thematic link between the two scenes by incorporating a line or visual cue that connects the weight of the choices in the kitchen to the whimsical moment between Ona and August, ensuring a smoother transition.



Scene 6 - Joy and Ritual: A Day in the Colony
7 EXT. FIELD - MORNING 7

NETTIE/MELVIN (25), dressed as a man, plays a game of tag
with a group of 13 children of varying ages, including JULIUS
(7).
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 5.


We follow the children closely in their game, and feel their
sweat and excitement. We drift up to the sky, a flock of
birds going by.


8 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 8

The Women (Agata, Greta, Ona, Salome, Mariche, Autje, Neitje,
Mejal, Scarface, Anna and Helena)take off their socks and
shoes. Some wear plastic sandals with white socks. The
younger women, Neitje and Autje, wear torn canvas shoes with
white socks rolled down around their ankles. Mejal and Autje
have rope burns on their ankles. The older women wear sturdy
leather sandals.

AGATA (V.O.)
We must honour our service to each
other. We must represent it. Just
as the feet of the disciples were
washed by Jesus at the Last Supper,
knowing that his hour had come.

The Women wash each others feet. They wash the feet of the
person sitting to their right. They take time, they do it
slowly. August looks at the ground, not wanting to impose
himself.

As the women finish washing each others feet, they murmur
“God Bless You” to each other. Neitje and Autje try to
suppress giggles.

AUTJE
(To Neitje, giggling and
whispering.)
Stop. You’re tickling me.

NEITJE
(in a solemn, grown up
voice)
God Bless You.

This makes Autje laugh even harder. She tries to hide her
face in her sleeve. August sits down at a table and writes in
a notebook. We hear what he is writing as WE TRAVEL SLOWLY
OVER THE FACE OF EACH WOMAN, sitting in silence, waiting for
the discussion to begin.

AUGUST (V.O.)
At this moment in time, most of the
men are gone from the colony.
(MORE)
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 6.

AUGUST (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All of the able bodied men,
excluding those in wheelchairs, the
elderly, and me, the schoolteacher,
left yesterday for the city to post
bail for the imprisoned attackers,
leaving the women free to talk
openly with one another.

We hear, on the soundtrack, the THUNDEROUS SOUND OF BOOTS.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a vibrant field, Nettie/Melvin joyfully plays tag with a group of children, including Julius, capturing the innocence of childhood. The scene transitions to a hayloft where women, including Agata, Greta, and Ona, engage in a solemn ritual of washing each other's feet, emphasizing their bond and shared experiences. Agata's voiceover highlights the significance of their gathering, drawing parallels to the Last Supper, while August, the schoolteacher, observes the women, reflecting on the absence of men in the colony. The scene concludes with the ominous sound of boots, foreshadowing an impending disturbance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Unity among characters
  • Symbolism of foot washing ceremony
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and solidarity among the women through the ritual of foot washing, setting a reflective and intimate tone that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of the women coming together to wash each other's feet as a symbol of unity and resilience is powerful and effectively portrayed in the scene.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot does not advance significantly in this scene, it deepens the emotional connection between the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on gender dynamics, community rituals, and the impact of absence on a close-knit group.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene allows for character development through the intimate interactions and emotional vulnerability displayed by the women, enhancing the audience's connection to them.

Character Changes: 7

The scene allows for subtle character changes as the women come together in solidarity, showing their resilience and bond in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complex dynamics within the colony and maintain his role as a schoolteacher despite the absence of most men.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain order and communication within the colony while the men are away.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is an underlying conflict hinted at with the approaching men, the focus of the scene is on unity and resilience rather than external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, power struggles, and external threats creating obstacles for the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are not particularly high in this scene, but the emotional depth and unity displayed by the characters add weight to the narrative.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly move the plot forward, it deepens the emotional connection between the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected dynamics between characters, the presence of imprisoned attackers, and the looming threat of the men's return.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around gender roles, power dynamics, and the importance of community service and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the intimate and somber tone, as well as the display of unity and resilience among the women.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves the purpose of conveying the emotional weight of the scene and the bond between the characters, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its rich character interactions, symbolic rituals, and underlying tension and conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting effectively conveys the shifting perspectives and internal thoughts of the characters, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with flashbacks and introspective voiceovers, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the innocence and joy of the children playing tag with the somber ritual of the women washing each other's feet. This contrast highlights the different experiences and roles within the community, but it could be enhanced by providing more emotional depth to the children's game. Consider adding a moment where the children reflect on their situation or express their feelings about the absence of the men, which would create a stronger emotional connection.
  • Agata's voiceover introduces a significant theme of service and honor, but it feels somewhat detached from the visual action. The voiceover could be more integrated with the scene by having Agata or another character express these thoughts aloud during the foot-washing ritual, allowing for a more immediate emotional impact.
  • The humor introduced through Neitje and Autje's giggling adds a light-hearted touch, but it risks undermining the gravity of the women's ritual. Balancing this humor with the overall tone of the scene is crucial. Perhaps the laughter could be tied to a shared memory or a moment of vulnerability that connects the women more deeply, rather than feeling like a separate comedic interlude.
  • August's presence as an observer is intriguing, but his emotional state could be more explicitly conveyed. Instead of simply writing in a notebook, consider showing his internal conflict or feelings of isolation more vividly. This could be achieved through his body language or a brief moment of reflection that reveals his thoughts on the women's strength and the absence of the men.
  • The transition to the flashback with the sound of boots is effective in creating tension, but it could be foreshadowed more clearly in the preceding dialogue or visuals. Perhaps the women could briefly discuss their fears or concerns about the men returning, which would heighten the anticipation and emotional stakes as the scene progresses.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the children's game by incorporating dialogue or actions that reflect their awareness of the situation, creating a deeper emotional resonance.
  • Integrate Agata's voiceover more closely with the visual action by having her or another character articulate the themes of service and honor during the foot-washing ritual.
  • Consider tying Neitje and Autje's laughter to a shared memory or moment of vulnerability to maintain the scene's emotional weight while still allowing for humor.
  • Show August's internal conflict more vividly through his body language or a brief moment of reflection, emphasizing his feelings about the women's strength and the absence of the men.
  • Foreshadow the impending tension of the men's return by having the women discuss their fears or concerns, enhancing the emotional stakes leading into the flashback.



Scene 7 - The Departure
9 EXT. COLONY ROAD - DAWN 9

We see endless pairs of TALL BLACK BOOTS walking quickly in
the dirt. They make a thunderous, almost other-worldly noise.
The MEN OF THE COLONY, including PETERS, ELDERS, and KLAAS
(Mariche’s husband) gather buggies in a convoy. The WOMEN,
including Mariche, Agata, Salome, Mejal, help load them up.
The Women, for the most part, keep their heads down, avoiding
eye contact. The Men stand with their horses, looking at the
women, who stand there, across from them. Peters eyes them,
monitoring.

PETERS
We will be back in two days.

AUGUST (V.O.)
When they return, in 24 hours, the
women will be given the opportunity
to forgive these men, guaranteeing
everyone’s place in heaven.

The Men get into their buggies and ride off. The Women watch
them go, left in a cloud of dust behind the horses and
buggies. A TREMENDOUS SOUND as they rumble off, leaving the
women behind. We see them from above, the distance between
the men and women becoming greater.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary At dawn on a dusty colony road, men in tall black boots gather buggies for a two-day journey, led by the authoritative Peters. The women, including Mariche and Agata, assist in silence, avoiding eye contact, reflecting their emotional turmoil. As the men ride off, a voiceover from August reveals the women's impending choice to forgive the men, tied to their spiritual fate. The scene captures the somber tension and growing divide between the two groups, ending with the women watching the men disappear into the dust.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of power dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong thematic elements
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more nuanced dialogue
  • Limited character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional weight of the situation, setting up a crucial conflict that will likely drive the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness as a means to secure a place in heaven adds depth to the scene, exploring themes of faith, gender roles, and societal expectations.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing the conflict of forgiveness and the power dynamics within the colony, setting up potential character arcs and future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring gender dynamics and power structures within a colony setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions reveal their internal struggles and the societal pressures they face, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The scene sets up potential character growth and change, particularly in the context of forgiveness and the power dynamics within the colony.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely to find a way to resist or challenge the oppressive system they are living in. This reflects their deeper desire for freedom and equality.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the situation they are in and navigate the power dynamics within the colony.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the men and women, as well as the internal conflict within the characters, adds depth and tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, creating a sense of conflict and challenge for the protagonist as they navigate the patriarchal system within the colony.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the women are faced with the decision to forgive the men, potentially impacting their place in heaven and their standing within the colony.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a crucial conflict and setting up potential developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how the protagonist will navigate the oppressive system within the colony.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the oppressive patriarchal system and the protagonist's desire for freedom and equality. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the themes of sacrifice, forgiveness, and societal expectations.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, with subtle nuances in the characters' interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the conflict and tension within the colony.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a stark visual contrast between the men and women, emphasizing the power dynamics at play. The imagery of 'tall black boots' and the 'thunderous noise' creates a foreboding atmosphere, which is fitting given the context of the women's struggles. However, the scene could benefit from deeper emotional engagement with the characters. While the visual elements are strong, the internal feelings of the women as they watch the men leave could be more explicitly conveyed through their body language or subtle actions.
  • August's voiceover provides important context, but it feels somewhat detached from the visual action. The voiceover could be integrated more seamlessly with the scene, perhaps by having August's thoughts reflect the women's emotions in real-time, enhancing the connection between the audience and the characters' experiences.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works to create a tense atmosphere, but it may also leave the audience wanting more insight into the women's thoughts and feelings. Including brief snippets of dialogue or internal monologues could add depth to their emotional state as they prepare for the men's return.
  • The ending shot of the women watching the men leave is powerful, but it could be enhanced by focusing on individual reactions among the women. This would allow the audience to connect more personally with their struggles and fears, rather than viewing them as a collective group.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtle physical reactions from the women, such as clenched fists, shifting gazes, or whispered conversations, to convey their emotional turmoil as the men depart.
  • Integrate August's voiceover more closely with the visual action, perhaps by having it echo the women's unspoken thoughts or fears, creating a stronger emotional resonance.
  • Incorporate brief dialogue exchanges among the women to provide insight into their feelings about the men's departure and the upcoming opportunity for forgiveness.
  • Focus on individual women in the final shot, capturing their unique expressions and reactions to the men's departure, which would enhance the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 8 - Whispers in the Hayloft
10 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 10

We continue to land on the face of each woman, one by one.

AUGUST (V.O.)
My name is August Epp. Two months
ago, I returned, from the outside
world, to this colony, where I was
raised.
(MORE)
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 6A.

AUGUST (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I am now the colony schoolteacher,
and I have been asked to take the
minutes of the meetings because the
women are functionally illiterate,
having had very little education.

We land on Ona, who watches August writing, tenderly.
Yellow Rev. (06/25/21) 7.


AUGUST (V.O.)
Ona Friesen asked me if I would
take the minutes, and as I had
nothing to do but kill myself, and
as I have been in love with her for
most of my life and would do
anything for her, I agreed.

August looks up at Ona, he smiles lightly at her. He then
returns to his writing. The Women set themselves up in a kind
of haphazard circle.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft, August Epp, the colony schoolteacher, reflects on his return and his enduring love for Ona Friesen while taking minutes for a meeting of illiterate women. As the women gather, August shares a tender moment with Ona, revealing their close bond. The scene captures August's internal struggle with his feelings and purpose, set against an introspective and emotional backdrop.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tender moments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing dynamics for future development. The somber tone and tender moments create a poignant atmosphere that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the women's struggles, relationships, and August's unrequited love adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively sets up future conflicts and character arcs, making it a crucial moment in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses more on character development and emotional depth rather than advancing the main storyline. However, it sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions within the colony.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of duty, love, and sacrifice, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the setting and time period.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with each woman showcasing unique struggles and strengths. August's internal conflict and unspoken feelings for Ona add layers to his character, making him more relatable and intriguing.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no drastic character changes in this scene, the emotional reflections and unspoken feelings hint at potential growth and transformation for the characters. August's internal conflict and the women's support for each other set the stage for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, August, has an internal goal of finding purpose and connection in his life, as evidenced by his willingness to take on the task of writing minutes for the illiterate women and his unrequited love for Ona.

External Goal: 7

August's external goal is to fulfill his duty as the colony schoolteacher and support the women in the community by helping them with their literacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The scene lacks overt conflict but focuses more on internal struggles and emotional tension. The conflict arises from the characters' past traumas and societal expectations, setting the stage for future confrontations.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with internal conflicts and emotional obstacles that add depth to the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and interpersonal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships. While there are no immediate life-threatening situations, the emotional stakes are high for the characters' growth and redemption.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward in terms of character relationships and emotional depth rather than advancing the main plot. It sets up important dynamics and conflicts that will impact the narrative progression in later scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and the subtle shifts in their relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around duty and sacrifice for love, as August agrees to take on the task of writing minutes out of his love for Ona, despite having little else to do.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and hope in the audience. The tender moments and heartfelt conversations resonate deeply, drawing viewers into the characters' emotional journeys.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional turmoil of the characters. The conversations between the women and August reveal their inner thoughts and struggles, adding depth to their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and the subtle tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and emotional depth, enhancing the character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a focus on character interactions and emotional depth, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes August's role as the schoolteacher and his emotional connection to Ona, which adds depth to their relationship. However, the voiceover could be more concise; some lines feel repetitive and could be streamlined to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is visually striking, with the contrast between the departing men and the women left behind. However, the emotional weight of this transition could be enhanced by incorporating more visual cues or reactions from the women as they process the men's departure.
  • The use of voiceover is a strong choice, but it risks distancing the audience from the characters' immediate experiences. Consider integrating more dialogue or action that reflects the women's feelings about their situation, rather than relying solely on August's perspective.
  • The description of the women setting themselves up in a 'haphazard circle' is effective in conveying their disorganization and emotional state. However, this could be further emphasized through specific actions or expressions that illustrate their discomfort or tension as they gather for the meeting.
  • August's internal conflict about his feelings for Ona is compelling, but the line 'as I had nothing to do but kill myself' is jarring and could be interpreted as overly dramatic. This line could be softened or rephrased to better fit the tone of the scene and avoid potential misinterpretation.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the voiceover to focus on key emotional beats, reducing redundancy and enhancing clarity.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as close-ups of the women's expressions or subtle body language, to convey their emotional responses to the men's departure.
  • Add dialogue or interactions among the women that reflect their feelings about the men's absence, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Enhance the description of the women's gathering by including specific actions or reactions that illustrate their emotional state, such as fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, or whispering to one another.
  • Rephrase the line about having 'nothing to do but kill myself' to maintain the emotional tone without introducing an overly dramatic or potentially confusing element.



Scene 9 - The Vote in the Barn
11 INT. BARN - MORNING 11

The WOMEN OF THE COLONY (we see over a hundred of them here),
take turns in a crudely built ballot box. Some murmur to each
other. Coffee is served at a table with summer sausage and
buns.

AUGUST (V.O.)
A vote was held earlier this
morning.

The women take turns marking the paper, with Neitje’s
drawings, by writing an “X” next to one of the drawings. We
follow SCARFACE JANZ(50) as she puts an “X” next to the “Do
Nothing” picture. So do ANNA (30) and HELENA ( 16.) We watch,
as the women all mark down their votes. Ona, Mejal, Mariche,
Agata, Autje, and Neitje. Greta thinks for a long moment, and
then votes.


12 OMITTED 12


13 OMITTED 13
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 8.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a barn filled with over a hundred women from the colony, a voting process unfolds as they cast their votes in a makeshift ballot box, marked by Neitje's drawings. The atmosphere is contemplative and communal, with women quietly discussing their choices over coffee and summer sausage. Scarface Janz, Anna, and Helena opt for the 'Do Nothing' choice, while others like Ona, Mejal, and Mariche also participate. Greta takes her time to deliberate before making her decision, leaving the outcome of the vote uncertain as the scene concludes.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Dialogue-heavy scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the women's vote, setting a somber and reflective tone while introducing tension with the differing choices made by the characters. The focus on individual agency and community dynamics adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the women's vote serves as a key moment in the narrative, exploring themes of agency, community dynamics, and individual choices. The scene sets up future plot developments and character arcs based on the outcomes of the vote.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the women's vote, introducing conflicts and tensions within the colony based on the differing choices made by the characters. The scene sets up future developments and character interactions based on the outcomes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, where a group of women in a colony must make a collective decision. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' personalities and motivations are effectively portrayed through their voting choices, reflecting their internal struggles and beliefs. The scene sets up potential character arcs and conflicts based on the decisions made.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and beliefs during the scene, the major character changes are set up for future developments based on the outcomes of the vote. The scene lays the groundwork for potential growth and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision that aligns with her beliefs and values. Scarface Janz, Anna, and Helena all vote to 'Do Nothing,' indicating a desire to maintain the status quo or avoid change.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the voting process and have her voice heard in the decision-making of the colony.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces internal conflicts within the colony through the differing choices made by the women during the vote. Tensions and stakes are raised as the characters' decisions have implications for their future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters must navigate conflicting opinions and make a collective decision that will impact the colony. The audience is kept on edge as they await the outcome of the vote.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the women's choices during the vote have significant implications for their future within the colony. The outcomes will impact their relationships, beliefs, and standing in the community.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics based on the women's vote. It sets up future plot developments and interactions within the colony, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the outcome of the vote and how it will affect the characters and the colony as a whole.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between maintaining the current state of affairs ('Do Nothing') and potentially making a change or taking action. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the best course of action for the colony.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, conveying the women's internal struggles and the weight of their decisions through somber and reflective tones. The characters' emotions are palpable, adding depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and beliefs surrounding the vote. The interactions between the women add depth to their relationships and hint at future conflicts within the colony.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes decision-making process that involves multiple characters with conflicting motivations. The audience is invested in the outcome and the impact it will have on the colony.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension as the characters mark their votes and the decision is revealed. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a setup of the voting process, character actions, and a resolution. It effectively conveys the tension and importance of the decision being made.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and significance of the voting process among the women, highlighting their agency in a patriarchal society. However, the emotional stakes could be elevated by providing more context about what each option represents, particularly the implications of 'Do Nothing' versus other choices. This would help the audience understand the weight of their decisions.
  • The use of August's voiceover is a good narrative device, but it feels somewhat detached from the action. Instead of merely stating that a vote was held, consider incorporating his reflections on the significance of this moment for the women and the colony. This could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • The visual description of the women voting is somewhat sparse. Adding more sensory details—such as the sounds of murmurs, the smell of coffee, or the sight of the women’s expressions—could create a more immersive experience for the audience. This would help convey the atmosphere of the barn and the gravity of the moment.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension that drives the narrative forward. While the act of voting is inherently significant, there could be underlying tensions among the women regarding their choices. Introducing subtle interactions or exchanges that hint at differing opinions or fears could add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. Allowing more time for the women to deliberate or express their thoughts before casting their votes could enhance the emotional weight of the decision-making process. This would also provide opportunities for character development and reveal the dynamics within the group.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate dialogue or internal monologues from the women as they vote, expressing their thoughts and feelings about the choices they are making. This would add depth to their characters and highlight the stakes involved.
  • Consider expanding on the visual elements of the scene by describing the women’s body language, facial expressions, and interactions with one another. This would create a more vivid and engaging portrayal of the voting process.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or conflict among the women before they cast their votes. This could involve a brief discussion or a moment of silence that emphasizes the weight of their decisions and the differing opinions within the group.
  • Enhance August's voiceover to reflect not just the act of voting, but also the historical and emotional significance of this moment for the women. This could include his thoughts on their struggles and the importance of their choices in the context of their lives.
  • Consider ending the scene with a strong visual or emotional beat that encapsulates the outcome of the voting process, such as a close-up of a woman's face reflecting her feelings about her choice, or a lingering shot of the ballot box filled with marked papers.



Scene 10 - Divided Loyalties in the Hayloft
14 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 14

The Reimers sit roughly on one side, and the Friesens sit on *
the other. The Janz family sit further in the corner. There
is a table fashioned out of a piece of plywood laid across
hay bales. Their chairs are milking buckets. Neitje draws a
portrait of Scarface Janz and her girls.

AUGUST (V.O.)
As the vote was tied between the
option of Staying and Fighting or
Leaving, representatives of two
families of women, the Reimers and *
the Friesens, have been tasked with
deciding whether or not to Stay and
Fight or Leave, while the rest of
the women tend to the work of the
colony. They have invited
representatives of the Janz family
to be part of the conversation,
though they voted to do nothing.
They are meeting in Earnest
Penner’s hayloft, as he is senile
and rarely comes in.

Scarface takes a deep breath and begins.


SCARFACE JANZ
It is part of our faith to forgive.
We have always forgiven those who
have wronged us. Why not now?

SALOME
Because now we know better.

SCARFACE JANZ
Better than God? You know better
than God?

ANNA
Our Lord requires us to forgive,
Salome. Or do you believe yourself
mightier than he?

SCARFACE JANZ
We will be excommunicated, forced
to leave the colony in disgrace, if
we don’t forgive the men. And if we
are excommunicated, we will forfeit
our place in heaven.

HELENA
How could any of you live with the
fear of that?

Agata looks at Helena softly.

AGATA
What else are you afraid of Helena?
Tell us. We want to hear.

Agata moves towards Helena and sits on an overturned milk
pail at her side, holding her hand.

HELENA
(quietly)
We can only do what we have
learned.

GRETA
Speak up, Helena. We can’t hear
you.

HELENA
(louder)
We have only domestic skills. How
are we supposed to survive out in
the World if we are excommunicated?


ANNA
We are unable to read or write.
We’ve never even seen a map.

Agata nods, sympathetically.

AGATA
These are all legitimate fears. How
can we address them?

Agata looks around at the women, inviting them to speak.

SALOME
Shouldn’t we be concerned about
more than just our survival,
Helena? Is what we have lived,
worth preserving?

SCARFACE JANZ
These questions themselves are
blasphemous.

There is a long silence.

GRETA
Alright. No more blasphemous
questions. I want to talk about my
horses, Ruth and Cheryl.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense gathering in a hayloft, representatives from the Reimers, Friesens, and Janz families debate a tied vote on whether to stay and fight or leave their colony. Scarface Janz advocates for forgiveness rooted in faith, while Salome and Anna express concerns about their survival if excommunicated. Helena voices fears about their lack of survival skills, prompting Agata to encourage open discussion. As tensions rise, Salome questions the value of their current lifestyle, leading to Scarface labeling her doubts as blasphemous. The conversation abruptly shifts when Greta changes the subject to her horses, highlighting the group's desire to avoid the heavy topics at hand.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex themes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers
  • Limited visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the complex emotions and beliefs of the characters, creating tension and intrigue. The dialogue is thought-provoking and reveals the internal struggles of the women, setting up important conflicts and decisions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness, fear, and survival in the face of potential excommunication is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene explores complex themes within the context of the colony's beliefs and traditions, adding layers to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the women grapple with the decision of forgiveness and the consequences of their actions. The scene sets up important conflicts and decisions that will impact the story's progression.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on forgiveness and survival within a traditional community, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each showcasing their beliefs, fears, and motivations. The interactions between the women reveal their individual personalities and the dynamics within the colony.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience internal shifts and revelations during the scene, particularly in their beliefs and fears. The decisions made and the discussions held hint at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reconcile her faith with her fear of being excommunicated and forced to leave the colony. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and belonging within the community.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to make a decision on whether to stay and fight or leave the colony. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing faith and survival.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict within the scene is palpable, stemming from the internal struggles of the characters regarding forgiveness, faith, and survival. The tension between differing beliefs and fears drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values creating tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the women grapple with the fear of excommunication, loss of place in heaven, and the consequences of their choices. The decisions made will have significant repercussions for the characters and the colony.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up important decisions and conflicts that will impact the characters and the narrative. It lays the groundwork for future developments and reveals key aspects of the characters' beliefs and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting beliefs and the uncertain outcome of their decision.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between forgiveness and self-preservation. The protagonist struggles with the belief in forgiveness as a core value of their faith, while also facing the fear of excommunication and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, delving into the fears, doubts, and convictions of the characters. The internal conflicts and high stakes heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the internal struggles and conflicting beliefs of the characters. It drives the scene forward, highlighting the tensions and emotions at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that draw the audience into the internal conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and allows for introspective moments that enhance the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and explores the characters' internal conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between faith and survival, showcasing the differing perspectives of the characters. However, the dialogue can feel a bit didactic at times, as characters explicitly state their beliefs without much subtext or nuance. This can make the conversation feel less organic and more like a debate rather than a natural discussion among friends and family.
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could benefit from more character-specific motivations. For instance, while Scarface Janz is portrayed as a staunch believer in forgiveness, it would be helpful to explore her personal history or experiences that shape her views. This would add depth to her character and make her arguments more compelling.
  • The use of the setting—a hayloft—serves as a metaphor for the characters' confinement and the weight of their decisions. However, the scene could enhance its visual storytelling by incorporating more sensory details about the environment. Describing the sounds, smells, and textures of the hayloft could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The transition to Greta's abrupt shift in conversation about her horses feels jarring. While it serves to lighten the mood, it may come off as dismissive of the serious topics discussed. A smoother transition or a more gradual shift in tone could help maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive in expressing fears about survival and skills. While this emphasizes the characters' concerns, it could be streamlined to avoid redundancy. Instead of reiterating similar points, characters could build on each other's ideas, creating a more dynamic and engaging conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue. Allow characters to imply their feelings and beliefs rather than stating them outright. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Develop Scarface Janz's character further by providing backstory or personal anecdotes that explain her strong stance on forgiveness. This will make her arguments more relatable and impactful.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the hayloft setting to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the women’s movements, the smell of hay, or the warmth of the sun filtering through the loft to create a more vivid scene.
  • Create a more gradual transition to Greta's topic about her horses. Perhaps she could reference the horses in relation to the conversation about survival, making her shift feel more connected to the ongoing discussion.
  • Streamline the dialogue to avoid redundancy. Instead of repeating similar fears, encourage characters to build on each other's points, which can lead to a more fluid and engaging discussion.



Scene 11 - A Heartfelt Farewell
15 INT. GRETA’S HORSE BARN - EARLY MORNING 15

Greta lovingly tends to her team of old horses, RUTH AND
CHERYL. She brushes them, looks into their eyes, smiles
tenderly. She breaks contact, a sadness coming over her. She
gives them a final pat as she walks away.

GRETA
Alright. We’ll go.


16 EXT. ROAD - EARLY MORNING 16

Greta drives her buggy along the road with her old horses
Ruth and Cheryl. We see from Greta’s POV: Ahead of them, a
ROTTWEILER APPEARS and barks. Ruth and Cheryl begin to bolt.
Greta struggles to keep them on the road.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 11.


GRETA (V.O.)
When Ruth and Cheryl are frightened
by Dueck’s Rottweilers on the mile
road that leads to the church,
their initial instinct is to bolt.
These horses don’t organize
meetings to decide what they will
do. They run.

On Greta’s POV of Ruth and Cheryl’s manes, flying in the wind
as they bolt into the field.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Greta lovingly tends to her aging horses, Ruth and Cheryl, in the barn, revealing her deep emotional bond with them. As she prepares to leave, a wave of sadness washes over her. Once outside, a Rottweiler unexpectedly appears on the road, startling the horses and causing them to bolt. Greta struggles to maintain control as they run, highlighting the instinctual fear of the animals. The scene captures a blend of tenderness and tension, ending with the horses racing into the field, leaving Greta's emotional turmoil unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited interaction with other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions through Greta's interactions with her horses and the impending danger they face, creating a tense and emotional moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the bond between humans and animals in a moment of danger is engaging and well-executed, adding depth to Greta's character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene revolves around Greta's emotional connection with her horses and the sudden threat they face, adding tension and advancing Greta's character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the bond between humans and animals, emphasizing instinctual behavior and emotional connections. The authenticity of Greta's actions and dialogue adds depth to the character.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The scene effectively showcases Greta's love for her horses and her quick thinking in a moment of crisis, highlighting her caring nature and resourcefulness.

Character Changes: 7

Greta demonstrates her quick thinking and deep affection for her horses, showcasing her resourcefulness and caring nature in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Greta's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and protect her horses from harm. This reflects her deeper need for security, safety, and a sense of purpose in caring for her animals.

External Goal: 7

Greta's external goal is to navigate the road safely with her horses despite the presence of the Rottweiler. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining control and avoiding danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the threat posed by Dueck's Rottweilers and Greta's struggle to keep her horses safe, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Greta faces a sudden threat that puts her and her horses in danger. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Greta must protect her beloved horses from a sudden threat, risking their safety and her emotional connection to them.

Story Forward: 7

The scene advances Greta's character development and adds tension to the narrative by introducing a moment of crisis and highlighting the bond between humans and animals.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the presence of the Rottweiler introduces a sudden threat that disrupts the peaceful setting in the horse barn. The audience is unsure of how Greta will handle the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between instinctual reactions and organized decision-making. Greta reflects on how her horses act on instinct, contrasting with human tendencies to deliberate and plan.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Greta's love for her horses and the fear they experience, resonating with the audience and creating a poignant moment.

Dialogue: 7

There is minimal dialogue in the scene, but Greta's internal monologue adds depth to her character and enhances the emotional impact of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension and emotional stakes through Greta's struggle to control her horses and protect them from danger. The intimate moments with the horses and Greta's internal reflections draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Greta's horses bolt in response to the Rottweiler's presence. The rhythm of the action sequences and reflective moments creates a dynamic flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup in the horse barn, a conflict on the road, and a resolution as Greta struggles to control her horses. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Greta's emotional connection to her horses, Ruth and Cheryl, which serves as a poignant contrast to the tension and fear present in the colony. However, the transition from the intimate moment in the barn to the sudden chaos of the Rottweiler encounter feels abrupt. This shift could benefit from a more gradual build-up to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The use of voiceover for Greta is a strong choice, as it provides insight into her thoughts and feelings. However, the voiceover could be more impactful if it included a reflection on her relationship with the horses in the context of the larger narrative, perhaps linking their instinctual reactions to her own feelings of fear and uncertainty about the future.
  • The visual imagery of the horses' manes flying in the wind is evocative, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds of the horses' hooves pounding against the ground or the smell of the barn could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for the scene's tone, but it might be beneficial to include a brief exchange between Greta and the horses, even if it's just a soft murmur or a comforting phrase. This would deepen the emotional connection and make her eventual departure more poignant.
  • The scene ends with a sense of urgency as the horses bolt, but it could be strengthened by foreshadowing the impending chaos earlier in the scene. Perhaps including subtle hints of tension in the barn or Greta's apprehension about leaving could create a more cohesive narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or reflection for Greta before she leaves the barn, allowing her to fully process her emotions about leaving the horses behind.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the sounds of the barn, the feel of the horses' coats, or the smell of hay, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Enhance the voiceover by connecting Greta's feelings about the horses to the broader themes of fear and instinct within the colony, perhaps drawing parallels between the horses' reactions and her own emotional state.
  • Include a brief moment of dialogue or interaction between Greta and the horses to emphasize her bond with them, making her departure feel more significant.
  • Foreshadow the chaos of the Rottweiler encounter earlier in the scene by introducing subtle signs of tension, such as Greta's unease or the horses' restlessness, to create a smoother transition into the action.



Scene 12 - Primal Responses
17 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 17

Agata laughs.

AGATA
But Greta, we are not animals.

GRETA
We have been preyed upon like
animals. Maybe we should respond
like animals.

ONA
Do you mean run away?

SALOME
Or kill our attackers?

Mariche makes a soft scoffing sound.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft, Agata and Greta engage in a tense discussion about how to respond to their predicaments, with Greta suggesting a primal approach while Ona seeks clarity and Salome advocates for aggression. Mariche expresses skepticism towards the conversation, highlighting the conflict between flight and fight. The scene blends humor and seriousness, reflecting the characters' emotional states, before transitioning into a flashback.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense and reflective dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential for dialogue to become overly philosophical or didactic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the characters' inner conflicts and sets up a tense atmosphere through the dialogue and reflective tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring moral dilemmas and trauma within the context of the characters' decisions is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing conflicting viewpoints among the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of survival and justice, with characters debating primal instincts versus strategic responses. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique perspectives and emotional depth, driving the tension and reflection in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience internal shifts in their perspectives and emotions, particularly in response to the moral dilemmas presented.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to grapple with the idea of responding to their attackers in a primal way, reflecting their deeper fears and desires for survival and justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide on a course of action in response to their attackers, whether to run away or fight back.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene presents internal and external conflicts through the characters' differing opinions and the weight of their choices.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters holding conflicting viewpoints and facing a difficult decision that will impact their survival.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the characters' decisions and the potential consequences of their choices, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' conflicts and setting up potential resolutions, driving the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' decisions are uncertain, and the outcome of their debate is unclear, leaving the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the characters' debate on how to respond to violence, with differing views on whether to act like animals or take a more strategic approach.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through the characters' struggles and the weight of their decisions, creating a somber and reflective mood.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting viewpoints and emotional struggles, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting viewpoints, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy dramatic scene, with clear character cues and transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of the characters as they grapple with their situation. However, the dialogue feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a smooth transition from the previous scene. The shift from Greta's tender moment with her horses to a discussion about violence feels jarring and could benefit from a more gradual build-up.
  • The characters' responses to the idea of responding like animals are intriguing, but they could be developed further. For instance, Salome's suggestion to 'kill our attackers' is a strong statement that could be explored more deeply to reveal her motivations and fears. This would add layers to her character and the overall tension of the scene.
  • Mariche's scoffing sound is a subtle but effective way to indicate skepticism, yet it could be enhanced with a line of dialogue that expresses her disapproval more explicitly. This would provide clarity on her stance and contribute to the dynamics of the group.
  • The flashback transition is a powerful narrative device, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A more seamless integration of the flashback could enhance the emotional weight of the scene. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that connects the two moments more fluidly.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While the characters express different viewpoints, there is no resolution or progression in their discussion. Adding a moment of consensus or a decision could create a more satisfying narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or silence after Greta's line about responding like animals to allow the weight of her words to settle in before the others respond.
  • Expand on Salome's character by providing a line or two that explains her suggestion to kill their attackers. This could reveal her emotional state and deepen the audience's understanding of her motivations.
  • Enhance Mariche's skepticism by giving her a line that articulates her concerns about resorting to violence, which would add depth to her character and the group's dynamics.
  • Integrate the flashback more smoothly by using a visual motif or sound that connects the two scenes, such as the sound of the horses bolting transitioning into the discussion about their situation.
  • Introduce a moment of decision-making at the end of the scene, where the characters either agree on a course of action or express their fears about the implications of their choices, creating a more dynamic and engaging conclusion.



Scene 13 - Chaos at the Shed
18 EXT. SHED - 2 DAYS EARLIER - AFTERNOON 18

Salome runs, shrieking, with a scythe at a shed. We see
through the slats as THE 5 MEN INSIDE yell for help and try
to back into the corner of the shed. Salome breaks the lock.
She slashes at one of the MEN with her scythe. She is pulled
away by PETERS, along with a FEW OTHER MEN. She is pushed to
the ground. We see the blood from the man on her face. PETERS
looks around, breathless. He puts his face in his hands, at
the end of his rope. When he looks up, he has made a
decision.
Yellow Rev. (06/25/21) 12.


PETERS
Go. Go to the city. Get the police.

The other men look, questioningly at Peters.

PETERS (CONT'D)
For their own protection. These men
need to be taken to jail in the
city.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense afternoon scene, Salome violently attacks five frightened men trapped inside a shed, wielding a scythe and causing blood to splatter on her face. As chaos ensues, Peters intervenes, pulling Salome away and deciding that the men need police protection. He instructs others to go to the city for help, highlighting the urgency of the situation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Possible graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is intense and emotional, with high stakes and a significant plot development. The tension is palpable, and the conflict between the characters drives the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman taking drastic action in a moment of crisis adds depth to the characters and drives the plot forward. The scene explores themes of power dynamics and the consequences of decisive actions.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with Salome's actions leading to a crucial decision that will have far-reaching consequences for the characters. The conflict and tension are heightened, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a violent confrontation in a rural setting, with a strong emphasis on revenge and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and raw, adding to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with Salome's boldness and Peters' pivotal decision showcasing their depth and complexity. The interaction between the characters drives the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Salome undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a position of fear and desperation to one of decisive action. Peters also experiences a character change as he makes a crucial decision.

Internal Goal: 8

Salome's internal goal in this scene is likely to seek revenge or justice for a perceived wrongdoing. This reflects her deeper need for closure or resolution to a traumatic event, fear of being powerless, or desire for retribution.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get the police to come and arrest the men inside the shed for their own protection. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a violent situation and ensuring safety for all involved.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Salome's actions leading to a confrontation that raises the stakes for the characters. The power struggle and moral dilemmas add depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Salome facing resistance from the men inside the shed and having to make a difficult decision. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with Salome's actions leading to a life-changing decision by Peters. The characters' fates hang in the balance, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up a major plot development that will have repercussions for the characters and the narrative. The stakes are raised, driving the story towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected violence and Salome's actions, which challenge traditional expectations of justice and revenge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of justice and revenge. Salome's actions challenge the traditional values of law and order, as she takes matters into her own hands.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with fear, determination, and conflict driving the characters' actions. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the scene.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the fear and tension in the scene, with Salome's actions speaking louder than words. Peters' decision is a turning point that is communicated through his dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, with high stakes and a sense of urgency. The conflict and action keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and a climactic moment of decision. The rhythm of the action and dialogue adds to the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation, with a clear build-up of tension and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and visceral, effectively conveying Salome's emotional turmoil and desperation. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The flashback could benefit from a clearer connection to the preceding dialogue about aggression and self-defense, enhancing the thematic continuity.
  • Salome's character is portrayed as fierce and driven, but the motivations behind her actions could be more deeply explored. Providing a brief internal monologue or flashback that hints at her past experiences with these men could add depth to her rage and make her actions more relatable.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for the tension of the scene. However, Peters' decision to call for the police feels somewhat sudden. A few lines of dialogue from the other men expressing their confusion or disagreement could heighten the stakes and illustrate the division among them regarding how to handle the situation.
  • The visual imagery of blood on Salome's face is powerful, but it could be enhanced by describing her physical state more vividly. Is she trembling with rage, or is there a look of determination in her eyes? Adding these details would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which suits the urgency of the moment. However, a brief pause after Salome's attack could allow the audience to absorb the gravity of her actions before the shift to Peters' decision. This could create a more impactful emotional beat.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal thought or flashback for Salome that reveals her motivations for attacking the men, which would provide context for her actions and deepen her character.
  • Include a few lines of dialogue from the other men in response to Peters' decision to call for the police. This could create tension and showcase differing opinions on how to handle the situation.
  • Enhance the visual description of Salome's physical state during the attack to convey her emotional intensity more effectively.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or stillness after Salome's attack before transitioning to Peters' decision, giving the audience time to process the violence and its implications.
  • Ensure that the transition from the previous scene to this one is smoother by linking the themes of aggression and self-defense more clearly, perhaps by referencing the earlier discussion about fighting back.



Scene 14 - The Weight of Forgiveness
19 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 19

AGATA
In my lifetime I have seen horses
confront angry dogs and try to
stomp them to death. Animals don’t
always flee their attackers. They
can fight back and they can run
away.

She inhales deeply.

AGATA (CONT'D)
Either way, it’s a waste of time to
try to establish whether we are
animals. The men will be coming
back from the city after they pay
the bail for our attackers. Soon.

SCARFACE JANZ
The only important thing to
establish is whether we forgive the
men so that we are allowed to enter
the gates of heaven.

Salome laughs, loudly. She stands up and goes to the south
doors and throws them open.

MARICHE
Laugh all you want, Salome. But we
will be forced to leave the colony
if we don’t forgive the men. And
how will the Lord, when He arrives,
find all the women if we aren’t in
our colony?
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 13.


SALOME
If Jesus is able to return to life,
live for thousands of years and
then drop down to earth from
heaven, to scoop up his supporters,
surely he’d also be able to locate
a few women who-

Agata makes a quick gesture to silence Salome. Scarface
shakes her head, appalled.

AGATA
Let’s stay on track-

Salome moves quickly back towards the circle of women.

SALOME
Alright. I’ll stay on track. I
cannot forgive them. I will never
forgive them.

MEJAL
I can’t either.

Autje nods.

MARICHE
But we want to enter the gates of
heaven when we die.

Agata and Greta nod. Everyone is silent for a while. They
sit, thinking.

ONA
Are we asking ourselves what our
priority is? To protect our
children or to enter the kingdom of
heaven?

Salome makes a sound of frustration. She kicks a bucket.
Greta goes and retrieves it and sits back down.

MEJAL
No. That is not what we are asking.
That is an exaggeration of what we
are discussing.

ONA
What are we discussing, then?

AGATA
We will burn that bridge when we
come to it.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 14.


SCARFACE JANZ
We have everything we want here.

Salome shakes her head.

SALOME
No.

SCARFACE JANZ
Want less.

Salome looks at her and laughs out loud.

SCARFACE JANZ (CONT'D)
Does entering the kingdom of heaven
mean nothing to any of you? After
all we have suffered?

ANNA
Are you really willing to give up
what we have always lived for?

ONA
Surely there is something in this
life worth living for, not only in
the next.

SCARFACE JANZ
Are you abandoning your faith?

AGATA
(to Scarface)
We cannot stand by and do nothing
when our children are harmed.

SCARFACE JANZ
(to Ona, Agata and Salome)
How are you protecting your
children from harm if you turn your
back on God? And how will any of
you survive? If you stay and fight
you will lose. Or if you leave...

HELENA
Where will you go?

Scarface stands to leave. Agata steps towards Scarface.

AGATA
(to Scarface Janz)
All I know is that we cannot do
nothing.
(MORE)
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 14A.

AGATA (CONT'D)
By doing nothing we are not
protecting our children who were
given to us by God to protect and
nurture.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 15.


SCARFACE JANZ
We will not be damned to hell with
you.

AGATA
That is your decision, and we must
respect it.

Scarface takes Helena’s hand in hers and motions to Anna to
follow. Autje crosses the room and lightly touches Helena’s
hand. As Scarface pulls her way, Autje grabs for it one more
time and then lets go. Anna looks back, making eye contact
with Mariche, but follows her mother and Helena. Mariche
pushes her milk pail back, the edge scraping on the floor,
taking her mother’s attention. But she does not leave with
the Janz women. There is silence after the Janz family
leaves. Agata addresses the group.

AGATA (CONT'D)
We must decide now whether we will
stay and fight or leave. These are
the options in front of us. We will
not do nothing.

Autje goes and sits behind her family and Neitje joins her,
grabbing her hand.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense hayloft discussion, Agata advocates for action to protect their children against the returning men, while Scarface Janz emphasizes the need for forgiveness to enter heaven. Salome's defiance against forgiveness sparks a debate among the women about their priorities. As tensions rise, Scarface Janz decides to leave with her family, leaving Agata to urge the remaining women to choose between fighting for their future or fleeing, highlighting the conflict between faith and the necessity of action.
Strengths
  • Deep moral dilemma
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive arguments
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively presents a complex moral dilemma with strong emotional undertones, engaging dialogue, and significant character development. The tension and conflict are palpable, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness, faith, and survival is central to the scene, driving the characters' actions and decisions. The exploration of moral dilemmas adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the characters grapple with the decision to forgive or not. The scene sets up a crucial turning point in the story, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on forgiveness, faith, and self-preservation, presenting a unique portrayal of women's agency and decision-making in a patriarchal society.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct perspectives and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal struggles, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant internal shifts as they grapple with the decision to forgive or not. Their beliefs, values, and relationships are tested, leading to potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect their children and uphold their faith while grappling with the concept of forgiveness and the consequences of their actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to stay and fight or leave the colony, facing the threat of harm to their children and the possibility of damnation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict is high as the characters face a moral dilemma that challenges their beliefs and values. The tension between forgiveness and survival creates a compelling dynamic, driving the scene's intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters must decide between forgiveness and survival, with implications for their faith, community, and future. The outcome of their decision will shape their destinies.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a critical decision point that will impact the characters' future actions and relationships. It sets the stage for further conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of forgiveness, faith, and self-preservation, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between forgiveness, faith, and self-preservation. The characters debate the importance of forgiveness for entry into heaven versus protecting their children and maintaining their beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' impassioned dialogue, internal struggles, and conflicting priorities. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas, feeling their pain and uncertainty.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotional turmoil and conflicting beliefs. It drives the scene forward, highlighting the tension and stakes involved in the decision-making process.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, moral dilemmas, and the characters' internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between faith and survival, showcasing the characters' differing beliefs and priorities. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, with characters explicitly stating their positions rather than allowing subtext to convey their emotions and motivations. This can detract from the natural flow of conversation.
  • Salome's laughter serves as a strong emotional pivot, but it might benefit from a clearer context or motivation. Why does she laugh? Is it a defense mechanism, disbelief, or something else? Providing a bit more insight into her emotional state could deepen the audience's understanding of her character.
  • The conflict between Scarface Janz and Agata is compelling, but the stakes could be raised further. The scene hints at the consequences of their decisions, but it could be more impactful if the characters articulated the potential outcomes of their choices more vividly. This would heighten the tension and urgency of their discussion.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The dialogue shifts rapidly between characters, which can make it challenging for the audience to fully grasp the weight of each statement. Slowing down the conversation in key moments could allow for more emotional resonance and reflection.
  • The visual elements of the hayloft setting are not fully utilized. Describing the physical space more vividly could enhance the atmosphere and reflect the emotional turmoil of the characters. For example, incorporating details about the hayloft's condition or the characters' physical interactions with their environment could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext into the dialogue. Allow characters to express their beliefs and emotions through actions or implications rather than direct statements. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Provide clearer motivations for Salome's laughter. This could be achieved through a brief internal monologue or a reaction from another character that highlights the tension in the moment.
  • Enhance the stakes of the discussion by having characters articulate the potential consequences of their choices more explicitly. This could involve a character sharing a personal story or a hypothetical scenario that illustrates the risks involved.
  • Slow down the pacing during key emotional exchanges. Allow characters to pause and reflect on their words, which can create a more impactful moment for the audience.
  • Utilize the hayloft setting more effectively by incorporating descriptive details that reflect the characters' emotional states. For example, describe how the light filters through the hayloft or how the characters interact with the hay and other elements in the space.



Scene 15 - Haunted Reflections
20 EXT. BARN - AFTERNOON 20

The sun is slightly lower in the sky.


21 INT. SCARFACE JANZ’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON 21

Scarface Janz sits quietly at her spotless kitchen table, her
adult children and their children running around doing chores
behind her. She looks out the window, looking haunted.

After some time, Anna and Helena enter and sit beside her.
Anna is shaking. They sit in silence for a long time. We
follow Scarface Janz as she walks through her house and out
her front door. She stands and stares at the hayloft in the
distance. She turns away and looks at the horizon.

Anna looks down at the kitchen table, breathing hard, trying
to contain her panic. Helena puts a hand on her mother’s arm.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense afternoon scene, Scarface Janz sits at her kitchen table, troubled by haunting thoughts while her family bustles around her. Anna, visibly shaken and struggling with panic, receives comfort from her sister Helena, who places a reassuring hand on her arm. Scarface Janz walks to the front door, gazing at the distant hayloft and horizon, lost in reflection. The emotional disconnect between the lively family activity and the internal struggles of the women creates a somber atmosphere, leaving a lingering sense of unease as Anna attempts to manage her anxiety.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets a somber tone, drawing the audience into the characters' internal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring trauma and its effects on the characters is compelling and effectively portrayed through the interactions and emotions displayed.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the emotional journey of Scarface Janz and her family, setting the stage for further exploration of their past and present struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and trauma, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Scarface Janz, Anna, and Helena displaying depth and complexity in their emotional responses to the past trauma.

Character Changes: 8

The scene hints at potential character growth and transformation, particularly for Scarface Janz and her family, as they confront their past trauma.

Internal Goal: 8

Scarface Janz's internal goal is to come to terms with her haunted past and find closure. She is grappling with unresolved emotions and trauma.

External Goal: 7

Scarface Janz's external goal is to confront the hayloft in the distance, which seems to hold significance related to her past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflicts and emotional struggles of the characters drive the scene, creating tension and anticipation for future resolutions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal conflicts and the unresolved emotions they are grappling with.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high for the characters as they grapple with past trauma and the impact it has on their present and future.

Story Forward: 8

While the scene primarily focuses on character development and emotional depth, it sets the stage for future plot developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' complex emotions and the unresolved nature of their conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family, trauma, and forgiveness. Scarface Janz's internal struggles are reflected in the interactions with her daughters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' pain and turmoil.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and the unresolved conflicts between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, building tension and emotional depth effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of tension and emotional weight through Scarface Janz's haunted demeanor and the silent chaos of her family in the background. This contrast highlights her internal struggle amidst the external noise, which is a strong visual storytelling technique.
  • The use of silence is powerful in this scene, allowing the audience to feel the weight of Scarface Janz's thoughts and the panic of Anna. However, the prolonged silence may benefit from subtle ambient sounds or faint echoes of the children's activities to enhance the atmosphere without detracting from the emotional focus.
  • Scarface Janz's actions of walking through her house and staring at the horizon serve as a metaphor for her contemplation of the future and the choices ahead. However, the transition from her internal conflict to the external view could be more pronounced. A brief moment of reflection or a flashback could deepen the audience's understanding of her emotional state.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for the tone, but adding a few lines of internal monologue or whispered exchanges between Anna and Helena could provide insight into their fears and strengthen the emotional connection with the audience.
  • The scene ends somewhat abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next moment. A more defined closing line or action could help to create a smoother flow into the subsequent scene, maintaining the narrative momentum.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating subtle background sounds, such as the faint chatter of children or the rustling of chores, to create a more immersive atmosphere while maintaining the emotional focus on Scarface Janz.
  • Add a brief moment of internal reflection for Scarface Janz, perhaps through a flashback or a visual cue that connects her current feelings to past experiences, enhancing the audience's understanding of her emotional turmoil.
  • Introduce a few lines of dialogue or whispered exchanges between Anna and Helena to provide context for their panic and deepen the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Create a more defined transition at the end of the scene, possibly through a closing line from Scarface Janz or a significant action that leads into the next scene, ensuring a smoother narrative flow.
  • Explore the use of visual metaphors, such as the changing light or the state of the kitchen, to symbolize Scarface Janz's internal conflict and the broader themes of the screenplay.



Scene 16 - Divided Voices in the Hayloft
22 INT. HAYLOFT - AFTERNOON 22

The remaining women sit in silence. Autje swings from a beam
above the women. The silence is broken by Greta.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 15A.


GRETA
I believe the only solution is to
flee.
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 16.


SALOME
Is this how we want to teach our
daughters to defend themselves? By
fleeing?

GRETA
Not fleeing, but leaving. I am
talking about leaving.

Salome continues as though she hasn’t heard Greta.

SALOME
I’d rather stand my ground and
shoot each man in the heart and
bury them in a pit than flee. And
I’ll deal with God’s wrath if I
have to!

ONA
(gently)
Salome. Aunt Greta is talking about
leaving, not fleeing. The word
“fleeing” wasn’t what they meant.

Mariche shakes her head, indignant.

MARICHE
Please forgive my mother for using
the wrong word. It is a sin so
outrageous, that Salome must take
it upon herself to rectify for the
sake of all humanity.

AGATA
“Leaving” and “fleeing” are
different words. With different
meanings. They each say something
about us.

Agata notices August, watching.

AGATA (CONT'D)
August what do you make of all
this? Do you have an opinion too?

Agata goes to August and puts her arm around his shoulder.

AGATA (CONT'D)
Well, August?

August thinks for a while.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 17.


AUGUST
I think... I think that it is
possible to leave something or
someone in one frame of mind and
arrive elsewhere, in another
entirely unexpected frame of mind.

MARICHE
We are already aware of this.

ONA
We are aware of many things, in our
hearts. But it is good, sometimes,
to have them said out loud.

MEJAL
I want to stay and fight.

Everyone stares at Mejal, her assurance. She takes a sharp
inhale of breath.

MARICHE
Won’t we lose the fight to the men
and then be forced to forgive them
anyway?

ONA
Is forgiveness that is forced upon
us true forgiveness?

A bit of straw falls from Autje’s swinging into Mariche’s
hair. She looks up at Autje.

MARICHE
Autje!

MEJAL
Behave yourself. Can’t you hear the
rafter creaking? Do you want the
roof to cave in?

August looks up, smiles to himself. Mejal reaches for her
pouch of tobacco and rests her hand lightly on it. Autje gets
down and she and Netje play a clapping game with their hands
hidden beneath the table.

Greta takes her false teeth out. She taps them on the plywood
and pops them back in.

SALOME
I want to stay and fight too.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 18.


Everyone looks at Salome.

MARICHE
Of course you do. No one is
surprised that you do. All you do
is fight. Is this how we are to
decide the fates of all of the
women of this colony? Just another
vote where we put an X next to our
position? I thought we were here to
do more than that.

SALOME
You mean talk more about forgiving
the men and doing nothing?

MARICHE
Everything else is insane. But none
of you will listen to reason.

SALOME
Why are you here then?! Why are you
still here with us if that is what
you believe?! Leave with the rest
of the do-nothing women!

GRETA
She is my daughter and I want her
here with us.

AGATA
I believe we are capable of hearing
opinions other than our own. Or how
can we expect anything to change?

Everyone is quiet, respectful of Agata and Greta.

AUTJE
(whispering to Neitje)
This is never going to end.

NEITJE
(whispering to Autje)
We’ll be dead and they’ll still be
talking.

AUTJE
(whispering)
Or worse. We might have to live
through it.

Neitje and Autje are in a body language contest of who can
convey their boredom the best.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 18A.


Autje pretends to shoot herself in the head by inserting a
rifle into her mouth, then slumping over on her milk pail.

Ona gets a large roll of butcher paper from the corner and
hands it to August.

ONA
August. I think you should make
lists of the pros and cons for both
options. Staying and Fighting or
Leaving. And write large. Post it
on the wall.

MEJAL
Why? We can’t read it.

ONA
No. But we will keep it here as an
artifact for others to discover.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 19.


SALOME
(tenderly)
Yes. A discovery.

Mejal helps Neitje and Autje post a large piece of butcher
paper to the wall and he writes on it. Then they continue to
post the pages August has already written on the wall. Mejal
looks down at her hands which are trembling.

ONA
I think the first heading should
read as follows. Staying and
Fighting. Beneath that, write Pros.

AGATA
Who will go first?

The Women begin to talk very rapidly, asserting their ideas.
August puts his hand up, gently.

AUGUST
Forgive me. Please excuse me.
Forgive me. May I request that you
take turns speaking so that I can
understand what each of you is
saying. It takes me a few seconds
to transcribe...I’m a little behind
here. I have to catch up.

MARICHE
Shall we put up our hands? As
though we are children in your
schoolhouse?

AUGUST
I apologize.

SALOME
We won’t have to leave.

AUGUST
Excuse me?

MARICHE
Write it down. Under pros. Salome
has had a brilliant idea.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
(theatrically, mocking
Salome)
“If we stay, we won’t have to
leave.”

Salome glares at Mariche. August writes this down.


NEITJE
(shrugging, half hearted)
We won’t have to pack.

August writes this down as well.

MEJAL
We won’t have to figure out where
we’re going or experience the
uncertainty of not knowing where we
are going. We don’t have a map.

Salome scoffs.

SALOME
That’s absurd. The only certainty
we’ll know is uncertainty, no
matter where we are.

ONA
Other than the certainty of the
power of love.

Salome turns to face Ona directly.

SALOME
Keep nonsense like that to
yourself. Please.

MEJAL
Why couldn’t that be the case, that
the only certainty is the power of
love?

SALOME
(shouting)
Because it’s meaningless!
Especially in this fucking
situation!

AGATA
(commanding)
Stop it. Now. I mean it.

They are quiet. Salome bites slivers off her fingernails and
eats them. Mejal grimaces in disgust as Salome spits out the
nails.

MEJAL
That is disgusting. Truly.

Neitje and Autje begin to braid their hair into one long
braid that connects them.


AGATA
Neitje? Autje? Do you have
something to add to the list?

NEITJE
We won’t have to leave the people
we love?

GRETA
We could bring loved ones with us
if we leave.

MEJAL
How? What does that mean? We move
the whole colony? What can that
possibly mean?

ONA
(gently)
Several of the people we love are
people we also fear.

AGATA
We could create the possibility of
a new order right here, in a place
that is familiar to us.

SALOME
Not simply familiar. A place that
is ours.

MEJAL
Do we need to write the cons? Isn’t
it obvious that we must stay and
fight?

GRETA
Cons. We won’t be forgiven.

August writes CONS on the paper.

MARICHE
We don’t know how to fight.

SALOME
I know how to fight.

The others ignore Salome.

MARICHE
We don’t want to fight.


GRETA
There is the risk that conditions
will be worse after fighting than
before.

Ona raises her hand.

ONA
May I speak?

AUGUST
Please.

ONA
Would it be a good idea, before we
list the pros and cons of staying
and fighting, to talk about exactly
what we are fighting for?

SALOME
It’s obvious: we’re fighting for
our safety and for our freedom from
attacks!

ONA
Yes. But what would that mean to
us? Perhaps we need a statement
which describes what we want the
colony to be like after winning the
fight. Perhaps we need to know more
about what we are fighting to
achieve, not only what we are
fighting to destroy.

MARICHE
Why don’t we talk about reality
instead?

AGATA
Because our reality is an old one.
And we are talking about creating a
new reality.

Autje and Neitje put their heads down on the table, miming
boredom and exasperation. Neitje rests her head on her arm.
Her voice is muffled.

NEITJE
(plaintive)
Are we staying or going?


AGATA
Ona. Please tell us more about the
statement you are thinking about.

ONA
Men and women will make all
decisions for the colony
collectively. Women will be allowed
to think. Girls will be taught to
read and write. The schoolhouse
must display a map of the world so
that we can begin to understand our
place in it. A new religion, taken
from the old but focused on love,
will be created by the women of the
colony.

Mariche creases her brow, dramatically.

ONA (CONT'D)
Our children will be safe.

Greta has closed her eyes and is smiling.

GRETA
“Collectively.” You sound like
August’s mother.

August looks up. He and Ona look at each other.

MARICHE
Ona. You are a dreamer.

ONA
(calmly)
We are women without a voice. We
have nothing to return to. Even the
animals of the colony are safer in
their homes than we women are. All
we have are our dreams. So of
course we are dreamers.

Mariche scoffs.

MARICHE
Would you like to hear my dream? I
dream that people who speak
nonsense, who have no grasp on
reality, are not put in charge of
making statements!

Ona smiles, with genuine appreciation. Agata clears her
throat.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 24.


AGATA
The statement Ona described sounds
good to me. We can add to it over
time. For now, it will declare what
we women see as the future of the
colony, whether we are here or
elsewhere. Are we agreed?

Greta raises her arms into the air. The women nod, some half-
heartedly. Neitje’s eyes roll in their sockets as her head
snaps back and her jaw drops open. Autje laughs. Greta
shushes her. Ona opens a window. Neitje walks over to the
packing paper, pulling Autje along with her with their braids
still attached, and begins to draw illustrations beside
August’s words.

GRETA
What will happen if the men refuse
to meet our demands?

ONA
We will kill them.

Autje and Neitje gasp. And then smile tentatively. Autje puts
her face in her hands, trying not to laugh. Neitje jabs her
with her elbow to make her stop. Mejal, perturbed, takes out
her tobacco and rolling papers. Agata stands up and puts her
arms around Ona.

AGATA
(whispering)
No. Ona. No.

Agata looks at the others while she gently cradles her
daughter.

AGATA (CONT'D)
She is only joking.

Salome shrugs.

SALOME
Maybe not.

Agata pokes Salome in the shoulder. Neitje draws a woman
killing a man.

MARICHE
What if the men who are in prison
are not guilty?

AUTJE
Mother?
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 24A.


MARICHE
Yes I know, Autje.

AUTJE
Then why are you asking-

NEITJE
We caught one of them. I saw him.

FLASHBACK TO:
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 25.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense hayloft meeting, a group of women debates whether to flee or fight against impending danger. Greta advocates for leaving, while Salome passionately argues for resistance. As they weigh the pros and cons of each option, the discussion reveals their differing perspectives on safety, forgiveness, and their future. Amidst the serious debate, Ona lightens the mood with a darkly humorous suggestion about killing the men if their demands aren't met, leading to mixed reactions and a blend of tension and levity in the scene.
Strengths
  • Rich character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Occasional lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a clear focus on the women's conflicting opinions and the decision-making process. It effectively builds tension and highlights the internal and external conflicts faced by the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the women's struggle for agency and the power dynamics within the colony, is compelling and thought-provoking. The exploration of themes like empowerment and resistance adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the pivotal decision the women must make, driving the conflict and character development forward. The scene effectively advances the narrative by introducing key dilemmas and choices.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its exploration of women's empowerment, societal change, and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, offering a unique perspective on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting viewpoints add layers to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions, contributing to the scene's depth.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases the characters' evolving perspectives and the internal conflicts they face, hinting at potential character growth and transformation in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find a solution that ensures the safety and freedom of the women in the colony. This reflects their deeper desire for autonomy and protection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to stay and fight or leave the colony. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing potential danger and uncertainty.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' differing opinions and the high stakes involved in their decision-making process create tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting opinions, moral dilemmas, and uncertainty about the characters' decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involved in the women's decision-making process, including their safety, freedom, and future, heighten the tension and drama in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key decisions and dilemmas that will impact the characters and the narrative trajectory. It sets the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting opinions, unexpected decisions, and moral ambiguity. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the women's beliefs about forgiveness, fighting, and creating a new order. It challenges their values, beliefs, and worldview, highlighting the complexity of their decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and defiance to hope and determination. The characters' emotional struggles and the weight of their decisions resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions effectively. It drives the scene forward and sparks meaningful debates among the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, emotional conflicts, and moral dilemmas. The characters' interactions and decisions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, allowing for character interactions, and progressing the dialogue. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact and engagement of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear dialogue, character interactions, and progression of ideas. It effectively conveys the conflict and decision-making process of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and differing opinions among the women regarding their response to the threat they face. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, with characters explicitly stating their positions rather than allowing subtext to convey their emotions and motivations.
  • The use of humor, particularly through the interactions between characters like Autje and Neitje, adds a layer of levity to an otherwise serious discussion. However, the humor sometimes undercuts the gravity of the situation, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the stakes at hand.
  • The character dynamics are well-established, but some characters, like Mejal and Mariche, could benefit from more distinct voices. Their arguments often blend together, making it challenging for the audience to differentiate their perspectives.
  • The transition from the serious debate to the light-hearted moment about killing men feels abrupt. While it serves to highlight the absurdity of their situation, it may confuse the audience regarding the tone of the scene. A smoother transition could enhance the overall flow.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with some moments dragging on while others feel rushed. For instance, the rapid-fire dialogue towards the end could be balanced with pauses for reflection, allowing the audience to absorb the weight of the conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext into the dialogue. Instead of having characters explicitly state their positions, allow their emotions and motivations to emerge through their interactions and reactions to one another.
  • Maintain the humor but ensure it complements the serious themes rather than detracts from them. Perhaps use humor to highlight the absurdity of their situation without undermining the stakes involved.
  • Differentiate the characters' voices more clearly. Give each character a unique way of expressing their thoughts and feelings, which will help the audience connect with them individually.
  • Smooth out the transitions between serious and humorous moments. This could involve adding a brief moment of silence or a character's reaction that acknowledges the gravity of the situation before shifting to humor.
  • Revisit the pacing of the scene. Allow for moments of silence or slower dialogue to give the audience time to process the weight of the conversation, especially when discussing the implications of their choices.



Scene 17 - Voices in the Hayloft
23 EXT. NEITJE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - TWO WEEKS AGO 23

A din like a roar. Neitje waits by her bedroom window, Autje
behind her. They hears something and Neitje sticks her head
out of her bedroom window. She sees a YOUNG MAN, creeping up
a ladder, a LARGE SPRAY CAN in his hands. He looks back up at
her. She screams, Autje does too. He scrambles down the
ladder.

ONA (V.O.)
Only one.

SALOME (V.O.)
Yes. Only one. But he named the
others.

CUT BACK TO:


24 INT. HAYLOFT - AFTERNOON 24

MARICHE
But what if he was lying?

There is silence for a while.

SALOME
But the point-

Mariche sighs.

MARICHE
We must consider this.

SALOME
No! That is not our responsibility!
Because we aren’t in charge of
whether or not they are punished.
We know that we’ve been attacked by
men and not by ghosts or Satan as
we were led to believe for so long.
We know we have not imagined these
attacks, that we were made
unconscious with cow tranquilizer.
We know that we are bruised and
infected and pregnant and terrified
and insane and some of us are dead.
We know that we must protect our
children. Regardless of who is
guilty!

AGATA
Alright, Salome, thank you, please
sit down.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 26.


She tugs on Salome’s sleeve. Agata takes a breath and strokes
Salome’s hair and gently urges her back to the milk bucket.
She murmurs words to her as she sits beside her, calming her,
stroking her hair. Neitje draws two braids ( like hers and
Autje’s) intertwined.

AGATA (CONT'D)
Shall we move on?

MARICHE
But if there is any chance that the
men in prison are innocent,
shouldn’t we be joining forces to
secure their freedom?

ONA
It is possible that the men in
prison are not guilty of the
attacks. But are they guilty of not
stopping the attacks? Are they
guilty of knowing about the attacks
and doing nothing?

MARICHE
How should we know what they’re
guilty of or not?

ONA
But we do know. We do know that the
conditions have been created by men
and that these attacks have been
made possible because of the
circumstances of the colony. And
those circumstances have been
created and ordained by the men.

MARICHE
But wait, aren’t you suggesting
that the attackers are as much
victims as the victims of the
attacks? That all of us, men and
women, are victims of the
circumstances from which the colony
has been created?

Ona is quiet for a long time.

ONA
In a sense, yes.

MARICHE
So then, even if the court finds
them guilty or innocent, they are,
after all, innocent?
Double Blue Rev. (08/09/21) 27.


ONA
Yes, I would say so.

MEJAL
The elders called them evil.

ONA
But that’s not true.

SALOME
It’s the elder’s quest for power
that is responsible.

ONA
Yes because they needed to have
those-

SALOME
Those they’d have power over.

MEJAL
And those people are us.

AGATA
And they have taught this lesson of
power to the boys and men of the
colony and the boys and men have
been excellent students.

MEJAL
But don’t we all want some type of
power?

ONA
Yes, I think so. But I’m not sure.

AGATA
The only thing we can be sure of is
that time is disappearing.

AUTJE
But... we caught them. We caught
them.

SALOME
Yes.

MARICHE
Yes you did.

The women look at the girls, somewhat in awe.
Double Blue Rev. (08/09/21) 27A.


AUTJE
Then why are you making it so
complicated?

NEITJE
(to herself)
It’s very, very boring.

ONA
We could ask the men to leave.

MEJAL
Is that a joke?

SALOME
Are you crazy, Ona?

Agata puts her hand on her chest.

AGATA
No, no...


GRETA
Ask the men to leave?!

AGATA
None of us have ever asked the men
for anything. Not a single thing,
not even for the salt to be passed,
not even for a penny or a moment
alone or to take the washing in or
to open a curtain or to go easy on
the small yearlings or to put your
hand on the small of my back as I
try, again, for the twelfth or
thirteenth time, to push a baby out
of my body. Isn’t it interesting,
that the one and only request we
women would have of the men would
be to leave?

The Women break out laughing. They can’t stop. When one stops
for a moment, they quickly resume laughing in a loud burst,
setting everyone else off. It is contagious and out of
control. Finally, Agata calms.

AGATA (CONT'D)
It’s not an option. They wouldn’t
leave.

The others agree, saying “No.”

GRETA
Asking the men to leave is not an
option. I’d like you to imagine
Ruth and Cheryl-

AGATA
Oh no, not again.

Ona has not stopped laughing.

ONA
Please stop. I’m afraid I’ll go
into labour!

They laugh harder. Mariche tries not to laugh, but looking at
August makes her splutter.

MARICHE
Look! August is still taking the
minutes!

This sets them off into new hysterics. August watches Ona as
she laughs. Agata slaps August on the back.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 29.


AGATA
You must think we’re all lunatics.

AUGUST
I don’t. And it doesn’t matter what
I think, anyway.

ONA
Do you think that’s true? That it
doesn’t matter what you think?

August blushes.

ONA (CONT'D)
How would you feel if in your
entire lifetime it had never
mattered what you thought?

AUGUST
But I’m not here to think. I’m here
to take the minutes of your
meeting.

ONA
But if, in all your life, you truly
felt that it didn’t matter what you
thought, how would that make you
feel?

August considers this. So do The Women. Ona looks around, a
new thought occurring to her.

ONA (CONT'D)
When we have liberated ourselves,
we will have to ask ourselves who
we are.

They sit in silence. Neitje draws a picture of the women
laughing.

Neitje and Autje are stifling giggles. Mejal plays with the
smoke in her hand. Salome stares wistfully out of the South-
facing door, towards the hills, past the soy fields. WE
FOLLOW HER GAZE out the window, traveling past the women. A
long pause as we look in silence at the landscape. MIEP, (3)
in the field, plays with a strand of grass, looks up at the
sky.

SALOME
Will we be done by suppertime? I
have to give little Miep her
antibiotics.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 30.


GRETA
Where did you get antibiotics?

AGATA
She walked. She walked for a day
and a half to the mobile klinic.
With Miep on her back.

Agata stays perfectly still after mentioning Miep, mouthing
the words to a verse from Psalms. She is very still,
predatory. Everyone is silent at the mention of Miep.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, Neitje and Autje witness a young man vandalizing outside, prompting their screams and his hasty retreat. The narrative shifts to a hayloft where women discuss recent attacks by men, with Salome advocating for their children's safety and Mariche questioning the men's guilt. The conversation evolves into a debate about power dynamics, leading to laughter when Ona suggests the men should leave. Despite their differing views, the women find camaraderie in their struggles, but the mood turns somber when Agata mentions Miep's need for antibiotics.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of tonal inconsistency
  • Repetitive elements in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines serious and reflective tones with moments of humor, creating a dynamic and engaging atmosphere. The dialogue is thought-provoking and drives the plot forward while showcasing the characters' development and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of women asserting their agency and questioning power dynamics within the colony is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of justice, forgiveness, and solidarity among the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through meaningful discussions and character interactions that reveal the women's motivations, conflicts, and evolving perspectives. The scene sets up important decisions and conflicts that will impact the story's progression.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its exploration of gender dynamics, power structures, and societal responsibility. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, offering a unique perspective on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and distinct, each contributing unique perspectives and dynamics to the scene. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual strengths, vulnerabilities, and growth throughout the discussion.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and beliefs throughout the scene, particularly in relation to power, justice, and solidarity. The discussions and interactions prompt internal growth and shifts in their understanding of the colony's dynamics.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek justice, protect their children, and challenge the patriarchal power structures that have oppressed them. This reflects their deeper need for agency, safety, and autonomy.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to determine the truth about the attacks, secure their freedom, and hold the perpetrators accountable. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the aftermath of the attacks and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene contains a high level of internal and external conflict, as the characters grapple with questions of justice, forgiveness, and power dynamics within the colony. Tensions rise as differing perspectives clash, leading to emotional and ideological conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, challenging discussions, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with questions of justice, power, and agency within the colony. Their decisions and actions have far-reaching consequences for their relationships, safety, and future within the community.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up important decisions, conflicts, and character dynamics that will impact the narrative progression. It introduces key themes, tensions, and resolutions that will shape the characters' trajectories.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' discussions, the revelation of new information, and the challenging of societal norms. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of power, victimhood, and responsibility. The women debate the role of men in creating the circumstances that led to the attacks and question the concept of guilt and innocence in a patriarchal society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from seriousness and reflection to humor and camaraderie. The characters' vulnerabilities, convictions, and interactions create a poignant and engaging emotional impact that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, thought-provoking, and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations. It drives the scene forward, sparks conflict, and reveals the complexities of the women's relationships and beliefs.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, emotional depth, and thought-provoking themes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and dilemmas, creating a sense of tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating tension, emotional depth, and thought-provoking discussions. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events, impactful dialogue, and emotional depth. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and complexity of the women's situation, showcasing their differing perspectives on guilt and responsibility. However, the dialogue can feel a bit dense at times, which may overwhelm the audience. Simplifying some exchanges could enhance clarity and impact.
  • Salome's passionate outburst serves as a strong emotional anchor, but the transition to Agata calming her feels abrupt. A smoother transition or a brief moment of silence could heighten the emotional weight of Salome's words and the group's response.
  • The humor introduced towards the end of the scene is a welcome relief from the tension, but it risks undermining the gravity of the preceding discussions. Balancing the comedic elements with the serious themes is crucial to maintain the scene's overall tone.
  • Ona's philosophical musings about identity and liberation are intriguing but could benefit from more grounding in the immediate context. Providing a clearer connection between her thoughts and the women's current struggles would strengthen the thematic resonance.
  • The visual elements, such as Neitje drawing and the women’s physical interactions, are effective in conveying their emotional states. However, more descriptive action lines could enhance the visual storytelling, allowing the audience to better visualize the scene's dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Consider breaking up longer dialogue exchanges into shorter, more impactful lines to maintain audience engagement and clarity.
  • Introduce a brief pause or a moment of reflection after Salome's outburst to allow the weight of her words to settle before Agata intervenes.
  • Ensure that the humor does not overshadow the serious themes; perhaps use it to highlight the absurdity of their situation rather than as a complete tonal shift.
  • Strengthen the connection between Ona's reflections and the women's immediate circumstances by incorporating specific examples from their discussions or experiences.
  • Add more descriptive action lines to enhance the visual storytelling, focusing on the women's body language and interactions to convey their emotional states more vividly.



Scene 18 - Unity in Prayer and Song
25 EXT. ROAD - MAGIC HOUR - TWO WEEKS EARLIER 25

VERY WIDE on Salome, looking exhausted, small in the
distance. She walks down a long, dusty road. We stay close on
her profile, occasionally moving back to see the face of her
sleeping daughter, resting on her shoulders. We see them from
behind as they become specks on the crest of the hill in the
distance.

We hear Agata’s voice, almost a whisper, softly praying.

AGATA (V.O.)
The Lord is gracious and
compassionate, slow to anger, rich
in loving kindness and forgiveness.

CUT BACK TO:


26 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 26

SALOME
I have to hide the antibiotics in
Miep’s apple sauce or she won’t
swallow them.

The Women nod. Agata remains perfectly still, mouthing the
words to the prayer.

AGATA
The Lord is gracious and
compassionate, slow to anger, rich
in loving kindness and forgiveness.

Greta goes over to Agata and pulls up a stool beside her. She
takes Agata’s hand and joins her in the recitation.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 31.


AGATA/GRETA
The Lord is gracious and
compassionate, slow to anger, rich
in loving kindness and forgiveness.

August looks around at the silent women. Greta opens and
closes her eyes. Mariche comes over and sits beside her and
strokes her hand.

GRETA
I’m not crying. I’m moisturizing.

Agata begins to sing. The other women join hands and sing.
Ona harmonizes, beautifully. Neitje and Autje roll their eyes
and shake their heads.

THE WOMEN
Work, for the night is coming,
Work, through the morning hours;
Work, while the dew is sparkling,
Work ‘mid springing flowers;

Greta winces and she removes her false teeth again. She puts
them down on the plywood.

GRETA
(whispering to Mejal)
Forgive me. They are too big for my
mouth.

Mariche stares at the teeth on the plywood. The hymn
continues over:

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a poignant scene set during magic hour, Salome walks down a dusty road with her sleeping daughter while Agata prays softly. The focus shifts to a hayloft where Salome expresses concern about hiding antibiotics for Miep. The women join Agata in prayer and sing a hymn together, fostering a sense of unity. Amidst the somber atmosphere, Greta lightens the mood with a humorous comment about her false teeth, prompting camaraderie among the women. The scene captures a blend of exhaustion, hope, and resilience, culminating in a powerful moment of collective singing.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Unity among characters
  • Thematic resonance
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of unity and emotional depth through the women's actions and dialogue. The themes of forgiveness and resilience are well-developed, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unity, resilience, and forgiveness is effectively portrayed through the women's actions and dialogue, creating a powerful and emotionally resonant scene.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot, it deepens the emotional connection to the characters and themes, providing important insight into the women's struggles and strengths.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of maternal love and sacrifice, combining elements of faith and practicality in a unique setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each showcasing unique traits and perspectives that contribute to the scene's emotional depth and thematic resonance.

Character Changes: 6

The scene does not involve significant character changes, but it deepens the audience's understanding of the women's strengths and struggles, contributing to their overall development.

Internal Goal: 8

Salome's internal goal is to ensure her daughter, Miep, receives the necessary medication for her illness. This reflects her deep desire to protect and care for her child, showcasing her maternal instincts and love.

External Goal: 7

Salome's external goal is to hide the antibiotics in Miep's apple sauce so she will swallow them. This reflects the immediate challenge of administering medication to a child who may resist taking it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle tension surrounding the women's struggles and decisions, the scene primarily focuses on unity and emotional connection rather than overt conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the challenge of administering medication to a resistant child, adds a layer of conflict and uncertainty that keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional depth and character dynamics rather than immediate danger or conflict.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not move the main plot forward significantly, it provides important character development and thematic exploration that enrich the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its blend of humor and drama, keeping the audience on their toes as they navigate the characters' conflicting beliefs and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' faith in prayer and the practical need for medical intervention. This challenges the characters' beliefs in divine intervention versus taking tangible actions to help Miep.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its portrayal of unity, resilience, and compassion, resonating with the audience on a deep level.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the women's emotions, thoughts, and unity, adding depth to the scene and highlighting the themes of forgiveness and resilience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and the tension between faith and practicality. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing moments of quiet reflection and communal unity to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue cues that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the characters' goals and conflicts, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the somber reality of Salome's situation with the communal prayer and singing of the women, creating a poignant emotional contrast. However, the transition between the two settings (the road and the hayloft) could be more fluid to enhance the connection between Salome's struggle and the women's support.
  • Agata's voiceover prayer serves as a powerful thematic anchor, but it might benefit from a more personal touch. Consider incorporating a moment where Agata reflects on her own fears or hopes for Miep, which would deepen the emotional resonance of her prayer.
  • The humor introduced by Greta's comment about her false teeth adds levity to an otherwise heavy scene, but it feels slightly out of place given the context. It may disrupt the emotional flow. A more subtle approach to humor could maintain the scene's tone while still providing relief.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of Salome walking down the road with her daughter. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as the sounds of the environment or the physical sensations Salome experiences as she walks.
  • The singing of the hymn is a beautiful moment, but the transition into the flashback could be more clearly defined. As it stands, the shift feels abrupt. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the hymn to the memories being recalled, enhancing the narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition between the road and the hayloft by using a visual motif or sound that connects the two scenes, such as the sound of the hymn gradually rising as Salome walks.
  • Add a brief moment of Agata expressing her personal stakes regarding Miep's health, which would make her prayer feel more grounded and relatable.
  • Consider toning down Greta's humor or finding a more contextually appropriate moment for it, perhaps by having her share a light-hearted memory related to her teeth that ties back to the theme of community support.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the texture of the road, the warmth of the sun, or the sounds of nature, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Clarify the transition into the flashback by using a visual cue, such as a close-up of Agata's face as she sings, which could then dissolve into the memory, creating a smoother narrative flow.



Scene 19 - From Trauma to Harmony
27 INT. GRETA’S BEDROOM - DAWN - ONE YEAR EARLIER 27

Greta opens her mouth, blood comes out. She looks down at her
hand which has her bloody teeth in it.

CUT BACK TO:


28 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY AFTERNOON 28

Neitje and Autje look mortified by the singing and look
downwards. Greta puts her teeth back in and walks over to
Autje and pats her hand, encourages her to sing. Autje
reluctantly obliges.
Tan Rev. (07/29/21) 32.


AGATA
Well. Let’s take a break.

Autje slips down the ladder and out of the hayloft. We watch
The Women slip down the ladder, one by one. A few continue to
hum the hymn, which we hear over the next few scenes:


29 EXT. PADDOCK - MID-AFTERNOON 29

Neitje braids Autje’s hair.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a traumatic flashback of Greta in her bedroom, where she experiences a moment of horror as blood spills from her mouth, revealing her bloody teeth. It then shifts to a hayloft, where Neitje and Autje are disturbed by the singing. Despite her own trauma, Greta encourages Autje to sing, leading to her reluctant compliance. Agata suggests a break, prompting the women to descend the ladder from the hayloft, some continuing to hum the hymn as they exit, creating a transition from tension to support.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Unity theme
Weaknesses
  • Moderate conflict level
  • Limited character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and themes, from somber reflections to moments of unity and humor. The dialogue and interactions between the characters are engaging and thought-provoking, adding depth to the overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of unity in the face of adversity is central to the scene, as the women come together to support each other and navigate difficult decisions. The scene effectively explores themes of forgiveness, survival, and the complexities of human relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the women's discussions and decisions regarding their future in the colony, adding depth to the overall narrative. The conflict and tension between the characters drive the scene forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique physical challenge for the protagonist and explores themes of resilience and support within a rural setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and distinct, each with their own motivations and struggles. The interactions between the characters reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the overall story.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' perspectives and relationships, the scene primarily focuses on showcasing their existing struggles and dynamics. The characters' interactions and decisions hint at potential changes to come in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Greta's internal goal in this scene is to overcome a physical challenge or setback, as indicated by her putting her teeth back in and encouraging Autje to sing. This reflects her resilience and determination in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to support and encourage Autje to sing, possibly to maintain a sense of unity or tradition within the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the differing opinions and tensions between the characters regarding their future in the colony. The conflict drives the narrative forward and adds depth to the character dynamics.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with internal conflicts and challenges that the characters must overcome, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as the characters grapple with important decisions that will impact their future in the colony. The conflicts and tensions between the characters add urgency and depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the women's discussions and decisions regarding their future in the colony. The conflicts and tensions between the characters drive the narrative forward, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, as the protagonist's actions and motivations are clear from the beginning.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a potential philosophical conflict between the characters' personal fears or insecurities and the need to come together and support each other. This challenges the characters' beliefs about strength and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, hope, unity, and humor from the audience. The characters' struggles and interactions resonate with the viewers, creating a compelling and engaging experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations. The conversations between the women are realistic and impactful, driving the narrative forward and revealing important aspects of their personalities.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes and character dynamics, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, maintaining the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses a flashback to convey Greta's trauma, but the transition between the traumatic moment and the present scene in the hayloft feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out with a more gradual transition or a clearer thematic connection between the two moments.
  • The imagery of Greta holding her bloody teeth is striking and visceral, but it may benefit from additional context or emotional weight. Exploring Greta's feelings about this trauma could enhance the audience's connection to her character and the gravity of the situation.
  • The reactions of Neitje and Autje are appropriate, but their emotional responses could be deepened. Instead of merely looking mortified, consider showing them grappling with their feelings about the trauma they just witnessed, which would add layers to their characters.
  • Greta's encouragement for Autje to sing feels somewhat disconnected from the earlier trauma. It might be more impactful if Greta's actions were framed as an attempt to cope with her own pain, thereby creating a more cohesive emotional arc within the scene.
  • The dialogue from Agata suggesting a break is functional but lacks emotional resonance. This moment could be an opportunity to reflect on the weight of what just happened, perhaps by having Agata acknowledge the difficulty of the situation or express concern for Greta.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a shared look between the characters after the flashback to allow the weight of Greta's trauma to settle before transitioning back to the present.
  • Enhance Greta's internal struggle by incorporating a voiceover or a brief moment of reflection that reveals her thoughts and feelings about the trauma she experienced, creating a stronger emotional connection.
  • Develop Neitje and Autje's reactions further by including a line or two of dialogue that expresses their shock or confusion, which would help ground their emotional responses in the context of the scene.
  • Reframe Greta's encouragement for Autje to sing as a way for her to reclaim her voice after trauma, perhaps by having her share a personal story or memory that connects singing to healing.
  • Revise Agata's line to reflect a deeper understanding of the emotional toll on the women, possibly by acknowledging the difficulty of taking a break after such a traumatic moment, which would enhance the scene's emotional depth.



Scene 20 - Reflections on Identity
30 EXT. BARN - MID-AFTERNOON 30

Mejal lights up a cigarette, leaning on the fence. She stares
up at the barn. Then she looks out toward the field where she
sees, in the distance, the CHILDREN playing tag in the soy
fields. MELVIN/NETTIE is watching over the children. Autje
joins Mejal, much to her chagrin. They keep watching
MELVIN/NETTIE.

MEJAL
Don’t say a word about my smoking.
Honestly.

AUTJE
Is she always going to be like this
now?

MEJAL
Like what?

AUTJE
Like a man. Is Nettie always going
to be a man now?

MEJAL
I think she always felt she wasn’t
a woman. What happened to her just
made it...final.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mejal stands outside a barn, smoking a cigarette while watching children play tag in the soy fields, supervised by Melvin/Nettie. Autje joins her, expressing frustration over Mejal's smoking and questioning Nettie's gender identity. Mejal suggests that Nettie's transformation has solidified her true self. The scene captures the tension and contemplation surrounding gender identity, ultimately leading into a flashback for deeper exploration.
Strengths
  • Exploration of gender identity
  • Emotional depth
  • Contemplative dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Subtle conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the complex theme of gender identity and acceptance, creating a somber and reflective atmosphere. The dialogue is contemplative and thought-provoking, adding depth to the characters and the overall narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring gender identity and acceptance is compelling and adds layers to the characters and the overall narrative. The scene effectively delves into complex themes with nuance and depth.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is subtle in this scene, it sets the stage for future conflicts and character developments. The focus on internal struggles and reflections adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gender identity and transitions, portraying the characters' reactions with authenticity and empathy.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with their internal conflicts and reflections on identity driving the scene forward. Each character's unique perspective adds depth to the dialogue and interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives on gender identity and acceptance, setting the stage for future developments. Their reflections and interactions hint at internal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Mejal's internal goal is to come to terms with Nettie's transition and understand her perspective. This reflects Mejal's need for empathy and open-mindedness.

External Goal: 6

Mejal's external goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and acceptance within the community despite Nettie's transition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' struggles with identity and acceptance. While there is tension in their reflections, the conflict is more subtle and emotional.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but adds complexity to the characters' relationships and beliefs.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' struggles with identity and acceptance. While the stakes are not overtly high, the emotional impact is significant.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not have significant plot progression, it sets the stage for future conflicts and character developments. The focus on internal struggles and reflections adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of gender identity and societal norms, keeping the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around gender identity and societal norms. Mejal and Autje's conversation challenges traditional gender roles and expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, acceptance, and confusion. The characters' internal struggles resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is contemplative and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' internal struggles and reflections on identity. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the emotional impact.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth and thought-provoking dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene allows for meaningful character interactions and thematic development, enhancing its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards, effectively conveying the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional structure but allows for organic character development and thematic exploration.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tension and curiosity regarding Melvin/Nettie's identity, which is a significant theme in the screenplay. However, the dialogue could benefit from more depth to fully explore the emotional implications of this transformation. The characters' reactions feel somewhat surface-level, and adding more internal conflict or emotional resonance could enhance the scene's impact.
  • Mejal's character is established as defensive about her smoking, which adds a layer of complexity to her personality. However, the dialogue feels a bit too on-the-nose. Instead of stating 'Don’t say a word about my smoking,' consider a more nuanced approach that reveals her insecurities or the societal pressures she faces regarding smoking, especially in the context of their community.
  • The transition into the flashback is abrupt and lacks a clear visual or thematic connection to the current moment. A more gradual transition or a visual cue that links Mejal's current thoughts to the flashback could create a smoother narrative flow. This would help the audience understand why this memory is significant at this moment.
  • Autje's question about Nettie's identity is crucial, but it could be framed in a way that reflects her own struggles with understanding gender and identity. This would not only deepen her character but also create a more engaging dialogue that resonates with the audience's own questions about identity.
  • The scene's pacing feels slightly uneven. The dialogue exchanges are quick, which can work for tension, but it may also rush the emotional weight of the moment. Allowing for pauses or reactions between lines could give the audience time to absorb the implications of what is being said.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to express their feelings indirectly. This can create a richer emotional landscape and engage the audience more deeply.
  • Introduce a visual element that symbolizes the tension between the characters and their environment, such as the children playing in the background, to contrast with the serious conversation about identity.
  • Enhance the transition into the flashback by incorporating a sensory detail or a specific action that triggers the memory for Mejal, making it feel more organic and connected to the present moment.
  • Explore Autje's character further by giving her a personal stake in the conversation about Nettie's identity. Perhaps she has her own experiences or fears about gender roles that could be woven into the dialogue.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or reflection after the dialogue exchange before the flashback, giving the audience a chance to process the weight of the conversation before moving into the memory.



Scene 21 - Shadows of Grief
31 INT. NETTIE/MELVIN'S BEDROOM - SUNRISE 31

Melvin/Nettie, in a nightie, covered in blood from the waist
down, stares at something offscreen, on the floor.

CUT TO:
Tan Rev. (07/29/21) 32A.


32 INT. NETTIE/MELVIN'S BEDROOM - MORNING - FIVE DAYS EARLIER 32

Melvin/Nettie smears the blood over the walls, hysterical.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 33.


33 EXT. SHED - MORNING - FIVE DAYS EARLIER 33

Melvin/Nettie, still covered in blood, but silent now, sits
with his back to the shed. He speaks, without looking back
between the slats, where we see pieces of the men inside.

NETTIE/MELVIN
Is my brother listening?

MAN
He is.

NETTIE/MELVIN
Hello, little brother. I don’t know
if it was your baby or one of your
friends. But I think it was likely
yours. Because there was something
wrong with it. Small as a bun, but
with everything intact. I loved it,
I think. Isn’t that strange? I
won’t speak of it... or anything
else. Ever again.

Slowly, Nettie/Melvin gets up and walks away, a resolve on
his face.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The scene begins with Melvin/Nettie in a nightie, bloodied and traumatized, staring at something offscreen. It flashes back five days earlier, where he is seen in a hysterical state, smearing blood on the walls. Outside a shed, he speaks to a man inside about a lost baby, expressing deep sorrow and love, believed to be his brother's child. He resolves to never mention the incident again and walks away with a determined expression, embodying a mix of grief and resolve.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Limited visual cues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong focus on character development and emotional depth. The tension and emotional impact are palpable, drawing the audience in and leaving them with a sense of unease.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character grappling with a traumatic event and choosing to remain silent is powerful and thought-provoking. It adds layers to the character and raises questions about the impact of silence on one's psyche.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is driven by the character's internal conflict and past trauma, adding depth to the overall narrative. It sets up intrigue and raises questions about the character's history.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unconventional approach to exploring themes of family, violence, and love. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are complex and multi-dimensional, especially Nettie/Melvin, whose internal struggle is palpable. The emotional depth of the characters adds richness to the storytelling.

Character Changes: 8

Nettie/Melvin undergoes a significant internal change in the scene, choosing to remain silent about a traumatic event and resolving to never speak of it again. This decision shapes their character arc and adds depth to their story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with a traumatic event and make a decision about how to move forward. This reflects deeper needs for closure, understanding, and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront his brother and address the situation involving the baby. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a difficult and painful truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is internal, as Nettie/Melvin grapples with the aftermath of a traumatic event and the decision to remain silent. The tension is palpable, adding depth to the storytelling.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with difficult choices and conflicting emotions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high on an emotional level, as Nettie/Melvin grapples with the weight of their silence and the consequences of their past actions. The emotional stakes drive the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Nettie/Melvin's past and their decision to remain silent. It adds depth to the character and sets up intrigue for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between love and violence, family loyalty and personal morality. Nettie/Melvin's conflicting emotions towards the baby and his brother highlight this internal conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as they witness Nettie/Melvin's internal struggle and the weight of their silence. The haunting tone lingers, leaving a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying the character's emotional state and inner turmoil effectively. The silence and resolve in Nettie/Melvin's words speak volumes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, mysterious atmosphere, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the story and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense gradually while maintaining a sense of urgency and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity and psychological depth of the characters. The use of visual cues and descriptive language enhances the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear timeline, adding to the suspense and mystery of the narrative. The formatting enhances the emotional impact of the characters' actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of trauma and emotional weight through the visual imagery of Melvin/Nettie covered in blood. This stark visual immediately captures the audience's attention and sets a somber tone, which is crucial for the gravity of the subject matter being addressed.
  • The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, particularly Nettie/Melvin's conversation with the man inside the shed. It reveals deep emotional conflict and a sense of loss, which adds layers to the character's psyche. However, the dialogue could benefit from more specificity regarding the relationship dynamics and the implications of the events that led to this moment.
  • The transition between the present moment and the flashback is clear, but the connection between the two could be strengthened. The audience may benefit from a clearer understanding of how the past events directly influence Nettie/Melvin's current state. This could be achieved through additional visual or auditory cues that link the two timelines more explicitly.
  • The scene's pacing is effective in building tension, but it may feel abrupt for some viewers. The shift from the present to the past could be smoother, perhaps by incorporating a brief moment of reflection or a sensory detail that triggers the flashback, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the memories more profoundly.
  • While the emotional impact is strong, the scene could benefit from a deeper exploration of Nettie/Melvin's internal conflict. Providing more insight into their thoughts and feelings during this moment could enhance the audience's connection to the character and the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or voiceover from Nettie/Melvin to provide insight into their emotional state and thoughts during this traumatic moment. This could help the audience connect more deeply with the character's experience.
  • Enhance the transition between the present and the flashback by incorporating a sensory detail (like a sound or smell) that triggers the memory for Nettie/Melvin, making the connection between the two moments more seamless.
  • Explore the relationship dynamics further in the dialogue. Perhaps include a line that hints at the nature of the bond between Nettie/Melvin and the brother, which could add emotional depth and context to the scene.
  • Consider using visual motifs or symbols that recur throughout the screenplay to reinforce the themes of trauma and identity. This could create a more cohesive narrative and deepen the audience's understanding of Nettie/Melvin's journey.
  • Ensure that the emotional stakes are clear. Perhaps include a moment where Nettie/Melvin reflects on the implications of their actions, which could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the character's journey.



Scene 22 - Silent Concerns
34 EXT. FIELD - AFTERNOON 34

Present Day.

Nettie/Melvin bandages a cut on a LITTLE GIRL’S knee. Mejal
and Autje continue to watch.

AUTJE
But-

MEJAL
But what?

AUTJE
She doesn’t speak anymore.

MEJAL
She speaks to the children. I think
they call her Melvin.

Mejal shrugs. Mejal stomps out her cigarette. Autje stares at
it.


MEJAL (CONT'D)
I mean it. Not one word about my
smoking.

Autje walks off.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a sunlit field, Nettie/Melvin tends to a little girl's injured knee, showcasing care and attention. Observing this, Mejal defends Nettie/Melvin's ability to communicate with the girl, despite Autje's worries about the child's silence. After Mejal extinguishes a cigarette and warns Autje not to mention her smoking, tension rises, leading Autje to walk away, highlighting differing perspectives on the girl's condition.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tension and conflict
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Some scenes may be too somber for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflicting perspectives of the characters, creating a somber and reflective atmosphere with a touch of defiance. The tension is palpable, and the dialogue adds depth to the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a traumatic event through character interactions and silence is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively delves into the emotional complexities of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the traumatic event, showcasing their differing perspectives and emotional struggles. The scene adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and explores themes of communication and connection in a fresh way. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique personalities and perspectives. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their emotional depth and internal conflicts, adding richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience internal shifts and confront their emotions in the scene, leading to subtle changes in their perspectives and behaviors. The aftermath of the traumatic event prompts character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Nettie/Melvin's internal goal is to care for the little girl and possibly communicate with her in a way that others cannot. This reflects a deeper desire for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 6

Nettie/Melvin's external goal is to bandage the little girl's knee and ensure her well-being. This reflects the immediate challenge of providing care in a potentially difficult situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the characters' differing perspectives on how to handle the aftermath of the traumatic event. The tensions and emotional struggles create a sense of unease.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, adding complexity to the character interactions. The audience is left wondering how the conflict between Mejal and Autje will play out.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in the scene, as the characters grapple with the aftermath of a traumatic event and face conflicting decisions about forgiveness, protection, and survival. The emotional weight of their choices is significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the aftermath of the traumatic event and showcasing the characters' responses. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable due to the unspoken tension between the characters and the potential for conflict to arise. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Mejal's smoking habit and Autje's disapproval of it. This challenges the characters' values and beliefs, adding depth to the scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, tension, and empathy for the characters' struggles. The somber tone and reflective moments resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, tensions, and conflicting sentiments. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the audience's understanding of the characters' struggles.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its subtle character dynamics and underlying tension. The dialogue and actions draw the audience in, creating a sense of intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure and pacing that enhances its effectiveness. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tenderness and care, showcasing Nettie/Melvin's nurturing side as they bandage the little girl's knee. This adds depth to the character, illustrating a contrast to the previous trauma they experienced.
  • The dialogue between Mejal and Autje introduces a subtle tension regarding the little girl's silence, which hints at deeper emotional issues. However, the dialogue feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more context or emotional weight to enhance the stakes of the conversation.
  • Mejal's insistence on not discussing her smoking adds a layer of complexity to her character, suggesting a desire to maintain control over her image. However, the transition from the serious topic of the girl's silence to the smoking feels jarring and could be smoothed out to maintain the emotional tone.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or resolution. While it introduces a conflict regarding the girl's silence, it doesn't explore the implications of this silence or how it affects the characters involved. This could leave the audience feeling unsatisfied or confused about the significance of the moment.
  • The visual elements are minimal in this scene. While the act of bandaging is a strong visual, the setting and actions could be described in more detail to create a richer atmosphere. For example, describing the field, the weather, or the expressions on the characters' faces could enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the dialogue to delve deeper into the emotional implications of the little girl's silence. This could involve Mejal and Autje sharing their concerns or memories related to the girl, creating a more poignant moment.
  • Integrate more visual descriptions to set the scene and enhance the emotional tone. Describe the surroundings, the expressions of the characters, and the atmosphere to draw the audience into the moment.
  • Explore the internal conflicts of Mejal and Autje regarding the girl's silence and their own struggles. This could add layers to their characters and create a more engaging dynamic.
  • Smooth the transition between the serious topic of the girl's silence and Mejal's smoking. This could be achieved by having Mejal reflect on her smoking in relation to her stress or anxiety about the situation, creating a more cohesive emotional flow.
  • Consider adding a moment of connection or resolution at the end of the scene, such as a shared understanding between the characters or a decision made regarding the little girl. This could provide a sense of closure and enhance the emotional impact.



Scene 23 - Reflections by the Barn
35 EXT. BARN - AFTERNOON 35

Autje walks to the pump with a pail and pumps it vigorously.
August sits nearby, looking out at the fields. He stands up,
awkwardly. They are silent for a time. August clears his
throat.

AUGUST
You know, during the second world
war, in Italy, civilians would hide
in bomb shelters. Volunteers were
needed to power the generators that
provided electricity. They rode
bikes. When you were swinging from
the rafter earlier, it reminded me
of this. You would have been the
perfect volunteer. If we were in a
bomb shelter.

AUTJE
Where would I ride the bike to in
such a small space?

AUGUST
Ah yes. Well, the bike would be
stationary.

Autje smiles and ponders this for a moment.

AUTJE
I have to get the water to the
yearlings.

She looks back at him, smiles.

AUTJE (CONT'D)
Watch this.

She swings the pail of water around in a complete circle
without spilling a drop. August smiles, awkwardly.

AUTJE (CONT'D)
I’ll bet you didn’t learn how to do
things like that when you went to
University.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 35.


August shakes his head.

AUTJE (CONT'D)
Only facts about stationary
bicycles in far off places.

August looks down, nods.

AUTJE (CONT'D)
I suppose I shouldn’t be too sad
then. That I won’t ever go.

They look at each other for a long moment, trying to read
each other.

AUTJE (CONT'D)
Why were you forced to leave?

AUGUST
My mother questioned things.

AUTJE
She questioned God?

AUGUST
Not God. Power. The rules that are
made in the name of God. She
encouraged others to question
things too.

AUTJE
Like Aunt Ona?

AUGUST
Yes. Ona knew her well.

AUTJE
Did she die?

August nods.

AUGUST
But sometimes, listening to all of
you speaking today, I can hear her
so clearly.

AUTJE
Why did the elders let you come
back?

AUGUST
I went to university. So I could
serve a purpose and teach the boys.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 35A.


AUTJE
Too late.

There is a silence.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 36.


AUGUST
I want to help. And I don’t know
how.

Autje shrugs.

AUTJE
You came back for Aunt Ona didn’t
you? The way you look at her is...
funny. I don’t know why she won’t
just marry you. You both say so
much that doesn’t make sense.

Autje breaks the gaze and runs to the horses.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In an afternoon scene outside a barn, Autje and August engage in a conversation that blends playful banter with deeper reflections on their pasts, particularly regarding World War II and personal relationships. Autje showcases her skill in swinging a pail of water, teasing August about his academic background. As they discuss their histories, August reveals his struggles with feelings of inadequacy and his desire to help, while Autje hints at a complicated connection between him and Aunt Ona. The scene captures a contemplative and slightly melancholic tone, ending with Autje running off to the horses after alluding to August's complex feelings.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the characters, provides insight into their backgrounds, and sets up potential developments in their relationship. The reflective tone and nostalgic elements add layers to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the pasts and desires of Autje and August through a reflective conversation is engaging and adds depth to their characters. The scene effectively sets up potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character development and relationship dynamics, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions. The conversation between Autje and August moves the story forward while building emotional stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on familiar themes of belonging, identity, and community, with nuanced characterizations and authentic dialogue. The interactions between Autje and August feel genuine and relatable, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Autje and August are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction in the scene reveals layers of complexity and sets the stage for potential growth and conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Both Autje and August experience subtle shifts in their perspectives and emotions during the scene. Their interaction sparks introspection and potential growth, setting the stage for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Autje's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of purpose and belonging in her community. She is trying to reconcile her desire for adventure and new experiences with her responsibilities and relationships at home.

External Goal: 7

August's external goal is to find a way to contribute and make a difference in the community, despite feeling out of place and disconnected from his past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' pasts and desires. While there are underlying tensions and unspoken feelings, the conflict is subtle and nuanced.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, with Autje and August facing internal and external challenges that test their beliefs, values, and relationships. The reader is left wondering how they will overcome these obstacles, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and desires. While there are underlying tensions and unspoken feelings, the immediate stakes are lower.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and revealing key aspects of their pasts and desires. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' complex motivations and conflicting desires. The reader is left wondering how Autje and August will navigate their internal and external challenges, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between tradition and progress, as well as the struggle to find meaning and purpose in a changing world. Autje and August represent different approaches to life, with Autje valuing practical skills and community ties, while August seeks intellectual stimulation and a sense of purpose.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, delving into the characters' inner struggles and desires. The reflective and introspective tone evokes a sense of nostalgia and longing, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is introspective and reflective, capturing the inner thoughts and emotions of Autje and August. It enhances the character development and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, nuanced characterizations, and subtle storytelling. The interactions between Autje and August draw the reader in, creating a sense of intimacy and authenticity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional resonance, as well as moments of tension and conflict. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness, keeping the reader engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is engaging and realistic, adding depth and authenticity to the characters' interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character development, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The pacing and structure enhance the emotional impact of the scene, allowing the characters' conflicts and motivations to unfold organically.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a moment of connection between Autje and August, showcasing their contrasting perspectives on life and the past. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when discussing August's mother and her questioning of power. This could be more subtly woven into the conversation to avoid feeling like a history lesson.
  • The metaphor of the stationary bike is an interesting choice, but it may not resonate with all viewers. It could benefit from a clearer connection to the characters' current struggles or the overarching themes of the screenplay, such as the limitations imposed by their society.
  • Autje's playful demonstration with the pail is a nice touch that adds levity to the scene, but it could be enhanced by showing more of her personality or backstory. This would deepen the audience's understanding of her character and make her interactions with August more impactful.
  • The emotional tone shifts from light-hearted to somber as they discuss Aunt Ona and August's past. While this contrast can be effective, it may feel abrupt. A smoother transition between these tones could help maintain the scene's flow.
  • The ending leaves the audience with a sense of unresolved tension regarding August's feelings for Ona and his purpose in the colony. While this can be intriguing, it might benefit from a more definitive conclusion or a hint at what August plans to do next.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating August's backstory more organically into the dialogue, perhaps through a shared memory or anecdote that relates to their current situation.
  • Enhance Autje's character by adding a line or two that reveals her thoughts or feelings about her life in the colony, which could create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Explore the metaphor of the stationary bike further by linking it to the themes of stagnation and movement within the colony, perhaps through a brief reflection from August on how he feels trapped despite his education.
  • Smooth the transition between the playful and serious tones by adding a moment of reflection or silence after the pail demonstration before diving into the heavier topics.
  • Consider concluding the scene with a more explicit indication of August's intentions regarding his relationship with Ona, which could provide a clearer emotional arc for his character.



Scene 24 - Domestic Disruption
36 INT. MARICHE’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON 36

We hear, over the next few scenes, a distant sound of a
megaphone, and a truck rolling by. The sound of “California
Dreaming” coming out of a tinny truck radio gets louder as
Mariche tends to her many children. (There are 8 of them.)

Mariche looks up, unsettled.

LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.)
I am here to collect data for the
2010 census.

Mariche ignores it. She redirects the children, who are
fascinated and going towards the windows to look for the
source of the foreign sound, and see the truck going by.


36A EXT. MARICHE’S HOUSE 36A

The census truck goes by the house and down the road.


37 INT. GRETA’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON 37

Greta makes bread with the help of four of her grandchildren.

LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.)
I am here to collect data for the
2010 census. All residents must
come out of their homes to be
counted.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 36A.


38 INT. SALOME'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON 38

Salome crushes a pill into apple sauce and feeds Miep the
apple sauce. Miep looks up at AARON, Salome’s 13 year old
son. He tickles her. Salome smiles, scuffs Aaron’s head.
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 37.


39 INT. SCARFACE JANZ’S SEWING ROOM- AFTERNOON 39

Scarface Janz is sewing with Anna and Helena and two of her
other daughters. She looks up at the sound of the voice. She
is still.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Mariche is busy managing her eight children in the kitchen when a census truck passes by, announcing its purpose through a loudspeaker. Despite the noise, she chooses to ignore it and redirects her children's attention. The scene shifts to other households, showcasing Greta baking with her grandchildren, Salome caring for her daughter Miep, and Scarface Janz sewing with her daughters, all of whom react differently to the loudspeaker's announcement. The characters remain focused on their domestic routines, creating a sense of unease as they collectively disregard the external call for attention. The scene concludes with Scarface Janz pausing to listen, highlighting a moment of shared awareness among the characters.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Theme exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of skepticism and disapproval may disrupt the flow of unity and tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional complexity of the characters and the high stakes of their decision-making process. It balances moments of tension, reflection, and light-heartedness well, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' internal struggles and external pressures in the face of a crucial decision is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys themes of forgiveness, protection, and survival.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, focusing on the characters' debate over whether to stay and fight or leave their colony. The progression of the discussion, from differing opinions to a decision-making process, keeps the audience invested.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of privacy and government intrusion by focusing on the personal experiences of the protagonists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and perspectives on the central conflict. The interactions between the characters reveal their depth and complexity, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in their perspectives and beliefs throughout the scene, particularly in relation to forgiveness, protection, and survival. These shifts contribute to the depth of the characters and the complexity of the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their family and maintain a sense of normalcy despite the intrusion of the census. This reflects their deeper need for security and stability in the face of external challenges.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid interaction with the census takers and protect their privacy. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining autonomy and privacy in a changing world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters grapple with differing opinions, internal struggles, and external pressures. The tension between forgiveness and protection creates a compelling dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonists' goals, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters must decide whether to stay and fight or leave their colony, facing potential excommunication, danger, and uncertainty. The outcome of their decision will have significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by advancing the central conflict, developing the characters, and setting the stage for future events. The decision-making process and the characters' interactions propel the narrative in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure how the protagonists will navigate the conflict between privacy and government authority.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between individual privacy and government authority. The protagonists must navigate their personal values of privacy and autonomy against the societal expectation of participating in the census.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, unity, skepticism, and humor. The characters' struggles and the weight of their decisions resonate with the audience, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, beliefs, and conflicts. It drives the debate forward and reveals the internal struggles of the characters, contributing to the overall tension and engagement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension through the characters' reactions to the census takers and their internal struggles with privacy and autonomy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre, effectively conveying the visual and auditory elements of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions that contribute to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of normalcy and routine in Mariche's household, contrasting with the external disturbance of the census truck. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by exploring Mariche's internal conflict regarding the census. Is she fearful of the outside world, or does she feel a sense of obligation to comply? Adding a brief moment of reflection could deepen her character.
  • The use of the megaphone and the song 'California Dreaming' creates an interesting juxtaposition between the mundane and the foreign. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the smell of bread baking or the sounds of children playing could create a richer tapestry of life in the kitchen.
  • The transitions between the different households are somewhat abrupt. While it is clear that the census truck is a common thread, the scene could flow more smoothly by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that connects the households, such as a shared reaction to the truck or a brief moment of dialogue that echoes across the scenes.
  • The dialogue from the loudspeaker is functional but lacks emotional weight. Consider infusing it with a sense of urgency or foreboding that reflects the women's internal struggles. This could be achieved by having Mariche react more strongly to the announcement, perhaps expressing concern to her children about the implications of the census.
  • The scene introduces multiple characters but does not provide enough individual characterization. While we see Mariche's interaction with her children, the other women in their respective kitchens feel more like background characters. Adding small, defining actions or thoughts for each character could help the audience connect with them more deeply.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Mariche's internal thoughts or feelings about the census to add depth to her character and create tension within the scene.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience, such as describing the aroma of baking bread or the sounds of children playing.
  • Create smoother transitions between the different households by including a shared reaction to the census truck or a brief moment of dialogue that connects the scenes.
  • Infuse the loudspeaker dialogue with emotional weight, perhaps by having Mariche express concern or fear about the implications of the census for their community.
  • Provide more individual characterization for the other women in their kitchens by adding small, defining actions or thoughts that help the audience connect with them.



Scene 25 - A Day of Distraction
40 EXT. CHICKEN COOP - AFTERNOON 40

Agata collects eggs. She looks up as she hears the voice
booming nearby. She pays little attention.


41 INT. GRETA’S HORSE BARN - AFTERNOON 41

Autje pours water into the horses’ trough while Neitje feeds
hay to Ruth and Cheryl. A wooden trailer loaded with hay
bales sits near the barn.

Autje and Neitje hear the Census Truck approach. They turn,
watching the truck stop by the side of the road. They look at
each other and smile, then leave the pail and hay behind as
they gravitate towards the music.


42 EXT. WASHHOUSE LATE AFTERNOON 42

Mejal sits under laundry, light pouring through white
dresses. She braids one of her daughters’ hair tightly, as
other children play around her, and another daughter (12)
washes clothes in an outdoor sink. She hears the loudspeaker,
and similarly ignores it.


43 INT HAYLOFT - LATE AFTERNOON 43

August sees, out the East Barn doors, in the distance, the
truck, stopped. Autje and Neitje approach it. They stand
there, listening. “California Dreaming” still plays out of
the radio. The girls are looking into the driver’s side of
the truck, bopping ever so slightly to the music. We see the
drivers face in the side mirror, the girls in the foreground.
We don’t hear their words, but it is clear they are flirting,
and so is he. Eventually the truck drives away. “California
Dreaming” continues to play over:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In a lively late afternoon, Agata collects eggs in the chicken coop, oblivious to the nearby Census Truck's booming music. In the horse barn, Autje and Neitje abandon their chores, drawn to the truck's arrival and the playful atmosphere. Meanwhile, Mejal tends to her children under the washhouse, ignoring the commotion, while August watches the flirtation between the girls and the truck driver from the hayloft. The scene captures a moment of youthful excitement and distraction from daily life, culminating with the truck driving away as 'California Dreaming' plays on.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic richness
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends past and present narratives, creating a rich tapestry of emotions and themes. The somber tone is balanced by moments of unity and resilience, making it a compelling and thought-provoking scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining past traumas with present challenges is compelling and adds layers of complexity to the characters and the story. The scene effectively explores themes of resilience, unity, and the weight of history.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is focused on character development and thematic exploration rather than advancing the main storyline. It sets up future conflicts and dilemmas for the characters, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar farm settings and activities but adds a fresh twist with the Census Truck and its music, creating a sense of intrigue and conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the rural setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion. Each character's unique perspective adds depth to the scene and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes and growth in the scene, particularly in confronting past traumas and making decisions about their future. These changes set up potential character arcs and conflicts in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene may be to maintain the routine and harmony of farm life despite external distractions. This reflects her desire for stability and connection to her surroundings.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to continue with her farm chores while being tempted by the Census Truck and its music. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing responsibilities with curiosity and desire for something new.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' past traumas and current challenges. It sets up potential conflicts and dilemmas for the characters to navigate in future scenes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the characters face conflicting desires and temptations, leading to uncertainty and tension in their choices.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' past traumas and current challenges. The decisions they make and the conflicts they face have personal and emotional consequences, adding depth to the story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward in terms of character development and thematic exploration, setting up future conflicts and dilemmas for the characters. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative, enhancing the overall story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' reactions to the Census Truck and its music are unexpected, adding tension and mystery to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's loyalty to her farm life and the allure of the outside world represented by the Census Truck. This challenges her values of tradition and stability against the unknown and excitement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, hope, unity, and resilience. The characters' struggles and moments of connection resonate with the audience, creating a powerful and memorable scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys the themes of the scene and sets up conflicts and resolutions for the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it balances routine farm activities with the unexpected arrival of the Census Truck, creating suspense and curiosity about the characters' choices.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters are drawn towards the Census Truck, creating a sense of anticipation and curiosity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a rural drama genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character actions that build tension and intrigue. It maintains a cohesive flow and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of levity amidst the tension of the overarching narrative. The juxtaposition of the mundane task of collecting eggs and the arrival of the Census Truck creates a contrast that highlights the characters' indifference to external authority, which is a recurring theme in the screenplay.
  • The use of music, specifically 'California Dreaming,' adds a layer of irony to the scene. While the characters are engaged in their daily routines, the upbeat music contrasts with the serious implications of the Census Truck, suggesting a disconnect between their lives and the outside world. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional response from Agata to the booming voice, even if it's just a moment of hesitation or annoyance, to enhance her character's depth.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but it may be beneficial to include some internal thoughts or brief exchanges between characters to provide insight into their feelings about the Census Truck. This could help to build tension and anticipation for the events that may follow.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of light pouring through the laundry and the children playing. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the children playing or the smell of the hay, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The flirtation between Autje, Neitje, and the driver is a nice touch, adding a youthful and playful element to the scene. However, it might be more impactful if this moment of flirtation is contrasted with a brief reminder of the serious context they are in, perhaps through a fleeting thought from one of the girls about the implications of the Census or their current situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Agata reacts to the booming voice, even if it's just a roll of her eyes or a sigh, to give her character more presence in the scene.
  • Incorporate a few lines of dialogue or internal monologue from the characters to provide insight into their thoughts about the Census Truck and its implications, enhancing the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene by describing the sounds, smells, and textures present, which will help to create a more vivid and immersive atmosphere.
  • Explore the contrast between the playful flirtation and the serious context by including a fleeting thought or concern from one of the girls about the Census or their situation, adding depth to the moment.
  • Consider using the music more strategically to reflect the characters' emotional states or the underlying tension, perhaps by having it fade out as the truck leaves, symbolizing the departure from their carefree moment.



Scene 26 - Tensions in the Hayloft
44 INT. HAYLOFT - LATE AFTERNOON 44

August is in the hayloft alone. He looks at the empty milk
pails, the hay bales, a small bird flying in the rafters. It
feels empty without the women here. He sings “California
Dreaming”, faintly to himself.
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 37A.


He hears a gentle clatter, as the Women all make their way
back up the ladder, with food baskets. They take their
places, murmuring to each other, serving each other food and
instant coffee.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 38.


Neitje slowly and subtly opens the large barn doors facing
East. A few of the women notice and give her a curious look.
Mariche has brought with her a pair of men’s overalls to
mend. Salome looks around, as she and Mejal serve coffee to
the group. Ona brings coffee to August.

SALOME
Where is Autje?

Neitje shrugs silently and sits down.

AGATA
Well. We must begin without her.

Salome looks at Mejal, who sits beside her.

SALOME
Were you smoking?

MEJAL
Is that any of your business?

GRETA
Please.

AGATA
We must decide this afternoon about
staying or leaving.

Suddenly, Autje climbs the ladder. We hear HYSTERICAL MOANS
before we see Autje appear at the top of the ladder.

AUTJE
I can’t live a second longer! Life
is too cruel!

Autje sways and moans, then runs to the window and FLINGS
HERSELF OUT THE WINDOW, headfirst.

The WOMEN SCREAM. They all sprint and hobble to the window,
to find Autje sitting placidly atop a stack of hay bales on a
flatbed truck which has been positioned just under the
window. Neitje laughs uncontrollably.

MARICHE
Autje! Wait until I get ahold of
you!

GRETA
I could have had a heart attack!

Ona laughs hard in appreciation while the others shake their
heads and strive to contain any sign of approval.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 38A.


Mejal tries hard to contain her laughter but keeps
sputtering, which makes Ona and the younger women laugh even
harder. Mariche does not look amused.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 39.


When it dies down, Autje, looks around at all of the women,
her face serious.

AUTJE
Excuse me. Excuse me. The Census
taker just told us that one of our
men is planning to return late
tonight. He is coming to get some
old horses to auction.

GRETA
Ruth and Cheryl!

NEITJE
They need more bail money for the
attackers.

Greta lifts her arms into the air. She stumbles back to her
seat. Agata sharpens her gaze. They all clamber hastily back
to their seats for the meeting. Autje climbs back up into the
hayloft and takes her seat as well.

MARICHE
Tonight?

Autje nods.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
Which man?

AUTJE NEITJE
Father. Your Klaas.

Mariche makes the smallest of small sounds.

MARICHE
(quietly, trying to absorb
this)
Oh.

AGATA
So. Time is of the essence.
Everyone get back to your seats.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 40.


The Women ALL TALK AT ONCE, in an uproar. August struggles to
write, to keep notes of all they are saying in the din of
noise. Ona looks at August. He looks down at what he has
written. It says “Talking at once. All talking at once.” He
clears his throat, out of nervousness. Mariche glares at him.

MARICHE
Are you trying to call us to order?

AUGUST
No. No. Please forgive me.

MARICHE
Why are you here? Why is my
presence questioned when there is a
man-

GRETA
Pros for leaving:

August writes “LEAVING” on the brown paper. Neitje and Autje
post up what he has written so far. Neitje adds more
illustrations of the women, the men, the boys. Autje puts up
her hand.

MEJAL
(half-heartedly)
We will be gone?

GRETA
We will be safe.

MARICHE
Perhaps not. But the first is most
definitely a fact, that if we leave
we will be gone.

Mariche looks around at the group.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
Do we really have time to state the
obvious over and over?

Mejal rolls her eyes.

GRETA
Add to the list this: We will not
be asked to forgive the men,
because we will not be here to hear
the question.

AGATA
Yes. Autje?
Pink Rev. (06/21/21) 41.


AUTJE
We will see a bit of the world?

There is silence. August, seeing no one else is speaking,
begins to write on a new piece of paper. Neitje and Autje get
back to rebraiding their hair together.

AUGUST
Let’s move on to the Cons of
Leaving.

MARICHE
We, the women, will decide what
happens in these meetings. Not a
two-bit failed farmer who must
teach. You have been invited here.
You have been invited here to
listen to what we have to say and
to write it down. Nothing more.
Just. Listen.

Greta erupts. She stands up, shouting.

GRETA
Mariche! Klaas is returning soon
and you are wasting time! Klaas
will return to your home for just
long enough to take his animals in
order to sell for bail money that
will see the rapists return to the
colony and he will lay his hands on
you and on your children, and you,
as always, do nothing but fire
away at us all like a Gatling gun
with your misdirected rage. What
good does that do?

The Women are silent. Mariche is shaking, staring at her
mother.

AUGUST
I would like to apologize for
wrongly attempting to nudge the
proceedings. That is not my place.

The Women say nothing. Mejal, watching August, lets out a
burst of laughter.

GRETA
Mejal!

MEJAL
I’ll stop.


NEITJE
We don’t have a map. We don’t know
where to go.

Autje and Neitje sway back and forth, a gentle tug of war
with the braid that connects them.

AUTJE
(laughing)
We don’t even know where we are!

The girls laugh together.

Miep, Salome’s daughter, climbs up the ladder to the loft.
Greta turns to Neitje and Autje.

GRETA
Hush. Put your hair away.

The girls untangle their braids. Miep looks frightened and
goes to her mother. She snuggles in to her.

MIEP
I hurt.

Agata watches Miep, trying to contain her grief. August looks
down. Salome holds Miep and strokes her hair, whispering to
her, kissing her. Miep has buried her face in her mothers
lap. We hear, but don’t see her cry. Ona puts her arm around
Salome’s shoulder as she holds Miep.

GRETA
(watching Miep, almost to
herself)
There are no Cons of Leaving.

Ona looks up at Greta, then back down to Miep, and nods
gently. Neitje draws a picture of Miep sleeping on the
butcher paper, beneath August’s words.

Nettie/Melvin climbs the ladder and appears. She mimes that
he is sorry for the interruption.

AGATA
Not to worry, Nettie.

Agata begins to sing “Children of the Heavenly Father” and
the other women join in. Autje and Neitje roll their eyes as
the other women’s voices soar. Miep snuggles into her mother.
Ona smiles at August. He smiles back. August looks down,
closes his eyes, and listens to their voices.
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 43.


He stares at Miep, who is drifting to sleep as the singing
drifts to humming.

MARICHE
If we do leave the colony, how will
we live with the pain of not seeing
our brothers and our sons again?
The men?

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Character Study"]

Summary In the hayloft, August sings alone until the women return with food, sparking a discussion about the absence of Autje. When she arrives, her dramatic announcement of a man's return ignites a heated debate on whether to stay or leave the colony. Autje's impulsive jump from the window lightens the mood, but the urgency of their situation soon takes over. Mariche confronts August, while Greta passionately warns of the dangers of remaining. The scene culminates in shared grief and unity as the women come together to sing, despite the unresolved tensions about their future.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective tension and emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue and interactions
  • Compelling thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of humor may feel out of place given the serious tone of the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the tension, emotional depth, and complexity of the women's decision-making process, while also incorporating moments of humor and unity. The high stakes, conflicting opinions, and character dynamics are well-developed and engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the women's decision-making process in a dangerous situation, is compelling and well-developed. The exploration of conflicting opinions, high stakes, and emotional turmoil adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene, centered around the women's dilemma of staying or leaving, is engaging and well-paced. The progression of the discussion, the introduction of new information, and the decision-making process drive the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on gender roles and power dynamics within a communal setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with distinct personalities, conflicting motivations, and emotional depth. The interactions between the characters, their individual arcs, and the development of their relationships add richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience emotional shifts, conflicting emotions, and moments of realization during the scene, contributing to their development and growth. The decision-making process and the high stakes lead to character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

August's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and purpose within the group of women. He longs for connection and acceptance, as shown by his attempts to participate in the discussions and his nervousness around the women.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to assist the women in making decisions about staying or leaving the colony. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring the safety and well-being of the women in the face of potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with internal and external conflicts driving the narrative forward. The conflicting opinions, emotional turmoil, and high stakes create a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and power struggles between the women and the men in the colony. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the decision-making process.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the women facing imminent danger, conflicting opinions, and the decision of staying or leaving the colony. The consequences of their choice have significant implications for their safety and future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by presenting the women's dilemma, exploring their decision-making process, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The narrative progression is well-paced and engaging.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, especially with Autje's dramatic actions and the women's reactions. The unexpected events add tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the women's autonomy and agency in decision-making versus the patriarchal control exerted by the men in the colony. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in equality and empowerment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, empathy, humor, and reflection. The characters' struggles, conflicting emotions, and the weight of their decision resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions, conflicts, and differing perspectives. The conversations are engaging, revealing, and contribute to the overall tension and stakes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its compelling character dynamics, emotional conflicts, and thematic depth. The tension and stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome of the women's decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-presented.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the progression of the women's decision-making process. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the women's situation through the juxtaposition of August's solitary singing and the women's return with food baskets. This contrast highlights the absence of the women and the tension surrounding their decision-making process.
  • The introduction of Autje's dramatic entrance adds a layer of dark humor, which lightens the mood momentarily. However, the transition from her comedic act to the serious discussion about the returning man feels abrupt. The tonal shift could be smoothed out to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is rich and reflects the characters' personalities and relationships, particularly the tension between Mariche and August. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, Mariche's confrontation with August could be more concise to enhance the urgency of the situation.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly during the chaotic discussion about leaving. While the cacophony of voices effectively conveys the urgency, it may overwhelm the audience. A clearer structure or moments of silence could help emphasize key points and character emotions.
  • The emotional stakes are high, especially with Miep's distress. However, the scene could benefit from deeper exploration of the women's internal conflicts regarding leaving. This would enhance the audience's connection to their plight and the gravity of their decisions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or reflection after Autje's comedic act before transitioning to the serious discussion. This could help ground the audience and emphasize the gravity of the situation.
  • Tighten dialogue, especially in confrontational exchanges, to maintain tension and urgency. For example, streamline Mariche's lines to focus on her main concerns without excessive elaboration.
  • Incorporate more visual cues or actions that reflect the women's emotional states during the discussion about leaving. This could include physical gestures, facial expressions, or even the environment reacting to their emotions.
  • Introduce a moment where August actively engages with the women, perhaps by sharing his own fears or thoughts about the returning man. This could create a stronger bond between him and the women, enhancing the emotional stakes.
  • Explore Miep's emotional state further, perhaps by giving her a line that expresses her fear or confusion about the situation. This would deepen the audience's empathy for her character and the overall stakes of the scene.



Scene 27 - Unspoken Bonds
45 INT. SCHOOLHOUSE - MORNING 45

August looks out at the faces of his students, his young men.
Some look up at him attentively. Some laugh and roll their
eyes at him. We track along their faces, slowly, getting to
know the pores of the skin of each one of these young boys.

GRETA (V.O.)
Time will heal. Our freedom and
safety are the ultimate goals, and
it is men who prevent us from
achieving those goals.

MARICHE (V.O.)
But not all men.

ONA (V.O.)
Perhaps not men, but a way of
seeing the world, and us women,
that has been allowed to take hold
of men’s hearts and minds.

NEITJE (V.O.)
So if we leave... if we leave... I
will never see my brothers again?

AUTJE (V.O.)
Who will take care of them? Of them
all?

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a schoolhouse, August attempts to engage a group of young boys, facing mixed reactions of attentiveness and mockery. Interspersed voiceovers from women, including Greta, Mariche, Ona, Neitje, and Autje, delve into themes of freedom, safety, and the emotional weight of familial responsibilities. They express fears about leaving their brothers behind and the implications of their choices, highlighting the tension between their desires for independence and their sense of duty. The scene concludes with an unresolved emotional struggle, reflecting on the complexities of gender roles and familial bonds.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and internal conflicts of the characters, setting up a pivotal moment in the story with strong dialogue and character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' internal struggles and the weight of their decisions is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively conveys the themes of unity, sacrifice, and the complexity of human emotions.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is significant, as it sets up a crucial decision point for the characters and advances the overall story arc. The conflict and stakes are heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on gender roles and societal expectations, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting viewpoints and emotions are portrayed convincingly. The scene allows for character growth and reveals deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes and growth in the scene, as they confront their fears, doubts, and conflicting beliefs. The decision-making process leads to internal transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to educate and inspire his students, despite facing disrespect and challenges.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to teach his students and make a positive impact on their lives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their decisions and conflicting emotions. The tension is palpable, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, driving the protagonist's actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters must make a life-changing decision that will impact their future and the safety of their community. The consequences of their choices are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up a crucial decision point for the characters and advancing the overall narrative arc. It introduces new conflicts and challenges, driving the plot towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of gender dynamics and societal norms, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around gender roles and societal expectations, challenging the protagonist's beliefs about equality and empowerment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters' struggles and conflicting emotions resonate with the audience. The poignant moments and heartfelt interactions evoke a strong emotional response.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and the weight of their decisions. It effectively conveys the themes and conflicts present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its exploration of complex themes and the dynamic interactions between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and highlights the emotional depth of the characters' dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the protagonist's goals and the philosophical conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between the boys' youthful exuberance and the serious themes of freedom and safety that the voiceovers introduce. However, the juxtap of the boys' behavior with the weighty voiceovers could be more impactful if the boys' actions were more directly related to the themes being discussed. For instance, showing them engaging in a more disruptive or reckless manner could emphasize the contrast between their innocence and the women's struggles.
  • The voiceovers from the female characters provide a strong thematic foundation, but they could benefit from more emotional resonance. Currently, they feel somewhat detached from the visual action. Integrating the voiceovers with the boys' actions—perhaps by having the boys react to the themes being discussed—could create a more cohesive narrative and deepen the emotional impact.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The slow tracking of the boys' faces is visually interesting but may drag on without a clear purpose. Consider tightening this section to maintain engagement, perhaps by interspersing more dynamic visuals or actions that reflect the boys' personalities and the underlying themes.
  • The dialogue in the voiceovers is thought-provoking but could be more concise. Some lines feel repetitive, particularly regarding the discussion of men and their impact. Streamlining these lines could enhance clarity and maintain the audience's focus on the central conflict.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition that connects the emotional weight of the previous scene with the lighter atmosphere of the schoolhouse could help maintain narrative flow. Consider using a visual or thematic bridge to link the two scenes more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the connection between the boys' actions and the themes of freedom and safety by showing them engaging in behavior that reflects the tension of the women's discussions.
  • Integrate the voiceovers more closely with the visual action, perhaps by having the boys react to the themes being discussed, to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by reducing the length of the tracking shots and incorporating more dynamic visuals or actions that reflect the boys' personalities.
  • Streamline the voiceover dialogue to eliminate repetition and enhance clarity, focusing on the most impactful lines that drive home the central conflict.
  • Create a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one by using a visual or thematic bridge that connects the emotional weight of the prior scene with the lighter atmosphere of the schoolhouse.



Scene 28 - Fading Hopes in the Hayloft
46 INT. HAYLOFT - LATE AFTERNOON 46

Neitje and Autje look suddenly full of grief. This hangs in
the air. They are all lost in their own thoughts. Miep lies
sleeping in Salome’s arms.
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 44.


GRETA
We can’t know if we will stay or
leave before we resolve these last-
minute concerns.

ONA
I wouldn’t call the future of our
relationships with the boys and men
we love “last-minute concerns.”

Ona glances in August’s direction. He catches it. He looks
out the window, at the sun getting lower in the sky. Cows can
be heard, mooing in the distance. Dogs are barking for their
dinner.

The women watch Miep as she falls asleep in Salome’s arms. We
hold close on each woman’s face, watching Miep sleep, and we
feel the lowering light move across each of their faces.

Neitje draws pictures of the boys on the packing paper. The
light dims over the images as she draws them.


47 EXT FIELD - MAGIC HOUR 47 *

We see the sun lower in the sky. We hear a cow moo. We hear *
dogs bark. *
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit hayloft, Neitje and Autje are engulfed in grief while Miep sleeps in Salome's arms. Greta voices her worries about their uncertain future, prompting Ona to stress the importance of their relationships with the men they love. As Neitje draws pictures of the boys, the setting sun symbolizes their dwindling hopes. The scene captures the women's contemplative mood, ending with the sounds of the farm as the day fades.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Unity among characters
  • Reflective atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of somber reflection and unity among the characters, with a strong focus on emotions and internal struggles. The use of the fading light as a metaphor adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on emotional reflection and unity among the characters, is well-executed and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot does not significantly progress in this scene, the emotional depth and character development add richness to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring relationships and decision-making, with a focus on quiet moments and introspection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with their individual thoughts and emotions coming to the forefront. The scene allows for moments of vulnerability and unity among the characters.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional depth and vulnerability displayed by the characters hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to resolve their last-minute concerns before making a decision about staying or leaving. This reflects their need for closure and clarity in their relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to make a decision about their future relationships with the boys and men they love. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant external conflict but focuses more on internal struggles and emotional depth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and unresolved tensions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are not particularly high in this scene, but the emotional struggles and internal conflicts of the characters add depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not move the plot forward significantly but adds emotional depth and complexity to the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and decision-making process. The audience is unsure of how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Greta and Ona about the importance of resolving concerns before making a decision. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about timing and decision-making.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the somber tone, reflective atmosphere, and moments of unity among the characters evoking strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and internal struggles.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its focus on character development and emotional depth. The quiet moments and introspective dialogue draw the reader in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, creating a sense of tension and reflection. The rhythm enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the reader's understanding of the characters' emotions and actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of introspection and emotional weight, particularly through the characters' expressions and the imagery of Miep sleeping. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic. Currently, it feels somewhat static and lacks the urgency that the situation demands. The stakes of their decision to stay or leave should be more palpable in their conversations.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the dimming light and the close-ups on the women's faces, is a strong choice that enhances the emotional tone. However, the transition between the internal conflict and the external environment could be more fluid. The sounds of cows mooing and dogs barking, while grounding, could be integrated more seamlessly into the dialogue or the characters' thoughts to create a richer atmosphere.
  • Ona's line about the future of their relationships being more than 'last-minute concerns' is poignant but could be expanded upon. This moment could serve as a catalyst for deeper discussions among the women, revealing their fears and hopes regarding their relationships with the men and boys left behind. This would add layers to their emotional struggle and make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene lacks a clear arc or progression. While it captures a moment of reflection, it doesn't build towards a resolution or a significant turning point. Consider introducing a specific event or revelation that propels the characters into action or decision-making, which would heighten the tension and emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to include more varied emotional responses from the characters, reflecting their individual fears and desires regarding the future. This could involve more back-and-forth exchanges that reveal their differing perspectives.
  • Incorporate the sounds of the environment more actively into the dialogue. For example, have the characters react to the sounds of the cows and dogs, using them as metaphors for their own situations or as reminders of their current lives.
  • Expand on Ona's line about relationships to spark a deeper conversation among the women. This could lead to a moment of vulnerability where they share their fears about leaving their loved ones behind, making the emotional stakes clearer.
  • Introduce a specific event or decision point that shifts the mood or focus of the scene. This could be a sudden realization, an unexpected visitor, or a decision that one of the women makes that impacts the group dynamic.



Scene 29 - Tender Moments in the Hayloft
48 INT. HAYLOFT - MAGIC HOUR 48 *

CLOSE ON: Miep sleeping. Melvin/Nettie gently picks her up,
out of Salome’s arms and takes her out of the hayloft. The
Women watch in silence as she is taken down the ladder.

ONA
I need some water.

She goes down the ladder and outside. August follows her,
awkwardly. The women watch in silence, and then laugh as soon
as he is down the ladder.


49 EXT. FIELD - MAGIC HOUR 49

Melvin/Nettie watches the children play while cradling Miep,
still sleeping, in his arms. He looks down at her, tenderly.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Melvin/Nettie gently carries the sleeping Miep from the hayloft, watched silently by the women. Ona expresses a need for water, prompting her to leave with August following awkwardly. Once August is out of sight, the women share a laugh. Meanwhile, Melvin/Nettie cradles Miep tenderly while observing children playing in the field, creating a warm and light-hearted atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of emotions
  • Tender moment with Melvin/Nettie and Miep
  • Realistic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions, from sadness to joy, through the characters' interactions and the tender moment of Melvin/Nettie taking Miep from Salome's arms. The mix of tones adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing tender moments and shifting tones within the scene is effectively executed. The focus on character relationships and emotions adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot, it adds depth to the characters and their relationships, providing insight into their emotional states and dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of caregiving and tenderness in a challenging environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with their emotions and relationships effectively portrayed. Melvin/Nettie's tender moment with Miep, Ona's need for water, and August's awkwardness add layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and dynamics, there are no significant character changes in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to care for Miep and show tenderness towards her. This reflects their deeper need for connection and nurturing, as well as their desire to protect and provide for others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure the well-being of Miep and maintain a sense of normalcy despite the challenging circumstances. This reflects the immediate challenge of caring for a child in a difficult situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the characters' emotions and relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, adding a layer of complexity to the characters' interactions and motivations.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the characters' personal emotions and connections.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the story forward but provides valuable insight into the characters' emotional states and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the underlying tension in their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' need for care and tenderness in a harsh world. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of compassion and empathy in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, tenderness, and joy through the characters' interactions and the tender moment of Melvin/Nettie with Miep.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and interactions. The silence and laughter contribute to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and subtle tension between the characters, drawing the audience into their world and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of quiet reflection and emotional connection to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of actions and emotions leading to a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tenderness with Melvin/Nettie cradling Miep, which contrasts with the underlying tension of the women's situation. However, the transition from the hayloft to the field feels abrupt. The emotional weight of the moment could be enhanced by lingering on the women's reactions before shifting to Melvin/Nettie's perspective.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for the tone of the scene, but it might benefit from a few more lines that express the women's feelings about Miep being taken away. This could deepen the emotional impact and provide insight into their collective anxiety or relief.
  • The laughter of the women after August follows Ona down the ladder feels slightly out of place. While it adds a moment of levity, it may undermine the gravity of the previous scene's emotional tone. Consider whether this laughter serves the narrative or if it distracts from the moment's seriousness.
  • The visual imagery of the magic hour is a strong choice, as it symbolizes transition and uncertainty. However, the scene could further utilize this setting by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the field or the warmth of the fading sunlight, to create a richer atmosphere.
  • The scene ends with Melvin/Nettie watching the children play, which is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if it included a moment of reflection or a brief internal monologue that reveals his thoughts on the situation. This would add depth to his character and connect the audience more closely to his emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue from the women expressing their feelings about Miep being taken away, which would enhance the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Extend the moment of silence before the laughter to allow the audience to fully absorb the women's emotions regarding Miep's departure.
  • Reevaluate the placement of the laughter after August follows Ona; it may be more effective to maintain a somber tone or to have a different reaction that aligns with the scene's emotional weight.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the atmosphere of the magic hour, such as descriptions of the sounds and sights in the field, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider including a brief internal reflection from Melvin/Nettie as he watches the children play, which could provide insight into his character and the broader implications of the scene.



Scene 30 - Determined Resolve
50 EXT. PUMP - MAGIC HOUR 50

Ona vomits on her way to the pump, August following close
behind. He pumps water into a bucket, looks around for
something to pour it into.
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 44A.


He cups water into his hands for her to drink from. She
pauses for a moment and then drinks from his hands. He takes
another scoop of water and she takes another drink. She wipes
her mouth and holds her stomach. Children play in the
background.
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 45.


They stand close together, staring at each other in silence,
for a long time. Tears appear in August’s eyes. Ona quickly
wipes them off his cheek. August turns away, ashamed.

They are silent. Ona goes to speak and then stops herself.
She holds his gaze for a long time. She puts her hand lightly
on his face.

ONA
It’s good to have you with us,
August. To remind us of what is
possible. Because it’s easy to
forget.

Ona holds her stomach, feeling ill.

AUGUST
I am so sorry, Ona.

ONA
One day, I would like to hear those
words from someone who should be
saying them.

Ona looks out across the field towards where the children are
playing.

ONA (CONT'D)
Why does love... the absence of
love, the end of love, the need for
love, result in so much violence?

AUGUST
Ona.

Ona shakes her head.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Ona. I could take care of you and
your child. I want to. I-
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 46.


He stops himself.

ONA
I know August. You don’t have to
say the words.

They are silent for a while.

ONA (CONT'D)
If I were married I would not be
myself. And so the person you love
would be gone.

AUGUST
Your child-

ONA
If we stay and don’t win the fight,
my child will be given to another
family here. Maybe even to the
family of my attacker. If we stay
and we don’t win the fight.

AUGUST
You won’t let that happen.

ONA
No. No I won’t.

August nods. Ona is silent for a long time, processing
something. August nods, understanding that she is coming to a
decision. Ona nods, and walks away, determination in her
steps.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a poignant moment at a water pump, Ona, feeling unwell, shares an intimate conversation with August about love, loss, and the future of her child. As she drinks water offered by August, they confront the fear of losing her child amidst their struggles. Despite the emotional turmoil, Ona's determination to fight for her child's future shines through, leading her to walk away with renewed resolve.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional connection between characters
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Subtle plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is beautifully crafted, with a strong emotional impact and deep character development. The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, enhancing the overall tone and themes of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring love, loss, and difficult decisions is effectively portrayed in the scene. The depth of the characters' emotions and the exploration of complex relationships add layers of meaning to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8.5

While the plot progression is subtle in this scene, the focus on character development and emotional depth drives the narrative forward. The scene adds depth to the overall story by delving into the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on themes of love, sacrifice, and resilience. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are richly developed in this scene, with August and Ona displaying depth, vulnerability, and complexity. Their interactions reveal layers of emotion and internal conflict, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Both August and Ona undergo subtle changes in this scene, as they confront their emotions and grapple with difficult decisions. Their interactions reveal new layers of their personalities and deepen the audience's understanding of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Ona's internal goal is to find strength and resolve in the face of adversity. She grapples with the absence of love, the threat to her child, and the need for courage.

External Goal: 7

Ona's external goal is to protect her child and fight against the threat of losing them to another family, potentially her attacker's family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is emotional conflict present in the scene, the focus is more on internal struggles and personal dilemmas rather than external conflicts. The tension arises from the characters' emotional turmoil and difficult decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal conflicts and external threats challenging the characters' beliefs and decisions. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and emotional turmoil. The outcome of their choices could have significant consequences for their relationships and future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' inner struggles and relationships, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. While the plot progression is subtle, the scene contributes to the overall development of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and the outcome of their decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of love, violence, and sacrifice. Ona questions the nature of love and its consequences, while August grapples with his desire to protect Ona and her child.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and empathy in the audience. The deep emotional connection between August and Ona resonates strongly, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotions effectively. The conversations between August and Ona are particularly powerful, conveying a sense of longing and resignation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, complex character dynamics, and thought-provoking dialogue. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character interaction. It enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of intimacy between Ona and August, highlighting their emotional connection amidst the turmoil they face. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, when Ona speaks about love and violence, it feels somewhat on-the-nose. Subtlety in her expression or a more indirect way of conveying her feelings could enhance the impact.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Ona's physical illness to the emotional conversation could be smoother. The vomiting serves as a strong visual cue of her distress, but it might be more effective if it were tied more closely to her emotional state. Perhaps incorporating her feelings of nausea as a metaphor for her emotional turmoil could create a more cohesive experience.
  • August's character is portrayed as caring and supportive, but his dialogue sometimes lacks specificity. When he offers to take care of Ona and her child, it feels a bit generic. Adding a personal touch or a specific memory that connects them could make his offer feel more genuine and impactful.
  • The scene's setting during magic hour is visually poetic, but the description could be enhanced to reflect the emotional weight of the moment. Incorporating sensory details about the environment—like the sounds of children playing or the feel of the cool evening air—could enrich the atmosphere and provide a contrast to the heaviness of their conversation.
  • Ona's internal conflict about her child and the potential loss is compelling, but it could be further emphasized through her physical actions. For example, showing her fidgeting or clutching her stomach more intensely could visually represent her anxiety and determination, making her eventual decision to walk away feel more earned.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Ona's dialogue to include more subtext, allowing her emotions to be conveyed through actions or indirect statements rather than explicit declarations.
  • Enhance the transition from Ona's physical illness to the emotional conversation by tying her nausea to her emotional state, perhaps using it as a metaphor for her distress.
  • Add specificity to August's dialogue when he offers to care for Ona and her child, perhaps referencing a shared memory or a specific reason why he feels compelled to help.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the setting to create a richer atmosphere that contrasts with the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • Show more of Ona's physical reactions to her internal conflict, such as fidgeting or clutching her stomach, to visually represent her anxiety and determination before she walks away.



Scene 31 - Lanterns and Uncertainty
51 INT. HAYLOFT - MAGIC HOUR 51

Shadows fall now, across the women’s faces. Agata and Salome
light lanterns. Neitje and Autje are still conjoined by the
hair. Neitje has drawn a picture of a woman leaving towards a
buggy and reaching out for her son who is behind her. August
and Ona enter.

GRETA
August. We want to discuss options
for the men and the older boys, if
the women decide to leave.

SALOME
Which is a waste of time because we
are not leaving.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 47.


August takes up his pen and begins recording their
conversation.

MARICHE
The men should be allowed to leave
with the women if they wish.

Salome laughs. So does Mejal.

MEJAL
Then what on earth is the point of
us leaving?

GRETA
They could be allowed to join the
women later, when the women have
established themselves and are
thriving.

AUGUST
(writing it down)
Should we add, thriving as a
collective, literate community?

MARICHE
Literate is your word. Not ours. We
don’t need your university language
to make our plans.

August nods, continues to write.

AGATA
Put it in. We know what it means.
Continue.

GRETA
Young boys, simple minded boys of
any age, Cornelius who is confined
to a wheelchair, will accompany the
women.

August writes quickly. The Women stare at August, and at the
document that they can’t read.

MARICHE
I vote for the first option. They
should leave with us if they wish.

There is a din of noise as all The Women object to this.
Mariche crosses her arms.
Yellow Rev. (06/25/21) 48.


MEJAL
The first option is ridiculous and
should be crossed off the list.

Mejal rolls a cigarette between her fingers as she speaks.

MARICHE
Why are some ideas written down and
considered, and others crossed out?

MARICHE (CONT'D)
(to herself)
I want to leave.

She throws the dregs of her coffee to the floor.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
I’d like to strangle myself.

ONA
But Mariche, it’s possible that all
the men would choose to leave with
us. Then all we’d be doing is re-
creating our colony, with all of
its dangers elsewhere, wherever we
end up.

AGATA
And the men would most definitely
leave with us because they can’t
survive without us.

Greta laughs.

GRETA
Well, not for longer than a day or
two.

SALOME
There is no possibility of the men
leaving with us. Whatever we
decide. And we have not decided to
leave. I would like to remind
everyone of that.

Mejal is openly smoking now. Salome looks irritated. Mejal
makes a big show of waving the smoke away from Salome.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 49.


AGATA
Clearly these are unrealistic
ideas. And how are we to leave at
all if we have never been allowed
to even see a map of the world?

AUGUST
I can secure a world map for you.

The Women looked shocked.

AGATA
Where on earth would you get a map
August?

AUGUST
I also have a map of this specific
region.

GRETA
That will do. We aren’t planning to
travel the planet.

ONA
Perhaps we are. Did you know that
the migration period of butterflies
and dragonflies is so long that it
is often only the grandchildren who
arrive at the intended destination?

August watches Ona, admiringly. Autje and Neitje try to
suppress laughing at Ona. Mejal nods. Ona looks straight at
August now. Some of The Women nod and ponder this.

AUGUST
So. Yes, so.

The Women laugh.

ONA
Perhaps, if we went beyond where
the map shows us, we could create
our own map as we go.
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 50.


The Women turn their attention to her, mystified.

GRETA
Now that is a unique idea.

SALOME
So now you want to leave? Ona?

The sisters look at each other for a long moment.

Ona suddenly vomits into the milk pail beside her.

GRETA
Oh.

Agata brings her legs down from the milk pail they have been
resting upon and walks to Ona. She strokes her back and pulls
the loose strands of hair from her forehead into the
kerchief.

ONA
I’m fine.

Ona looks at Salome.

Mejal begins to breathe heavily. Her hand is on her chest.

GRETA
What now?

AGATA
Are you alright, Mejal?

Mejal nods her head vigorously.

SALOME
She’s having one of her episodes.

Salome goes to Mejal. She holds her hand and whispers softly
in her ear. Greta indicates to The Women to pray. The Women
bow their heads.

GRETA
Please, God. Restore Mejal’s
equilibrium.

Mejal rocks on her milk pail. Salome positions herself behind
her, ready to catch her as she tumbles off, her fall broken
by Salome’s arms. Mejal lies in the straw, her body quite
rigid. Salome lies down beside her and continues to whisper
inaudibly into her ear and to hold her.

FLASHBACK TO:
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 50A.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft during magic hour, Agata and Salome light lanterns while Neitje and Autje remain conjoined by their hair. The women debate leaving their colony and the fate of the men, leading to tensions as Mariche pushes for their departure. Ona suggests creating their own map, sparking interest until she suddenly vomits, causing concern. Mejal then has a distressing episode, prompting the women to pray for her recovery, highlighting their emotional struggles and care for one another.
Strengths
  • Rich dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive arguments
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene is well-crafted with a mix of tension, emotion, and philosophical depth, making it engaging and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of discussing the possibility of leaving, the role of men, and the idea of creating their own path adds depth and complexity to the scene.

Plot: 8.7

The plot progresses as the women debate their options, introducing new elements like the map and raising the stakes for their decision.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the women's community and their resistance to outside influence. The dialogue is authentic and reflects the characters' individual personalities and beliefs.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' personalities shine through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their individual perspectives and conflicts.

Character Changes: 9

The characters show subtle shifts in their perspectives and emotions, hinting at potential growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain the unity and independence of the women's community. This reflects their desire for self-determination and resistance to external control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to make decisions about the men and older boys in the community if the women decide to leave. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining the community's structure and values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflicting opinions on leaving, the role of men, and the uncertainty of the future create a high level of internal and external conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting opinions and desires among the characters. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the women debate their future, the role of men, and the uncertainty of their path forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, raising stakes, and deepening the characters' dilemmas.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' decisions and interactions. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the women's desire for independence and self-sufficiency, and the potential influence of outside forces. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of autonomy and collective decision-making.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.7

The emotional impact is strong, especially during Mejal's episode and the women's reactions, adding depth and empathy to the scene.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is rich with emotion, tension, and philosophical ponderings, adding depth to the scene and the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters. The conflicts and relationships are compelling and draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the pacing of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and conflicts. It effectively builds tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and differing opinions among the women regarding their future and the role of men and boys in their potential departure. However, the dialogue can feel a bit cluttered at times, making it challenging for the audience to follow the main points being made. Streamlining the conversation could enhance clarity.
  • The emotional stakes are high, particularly with Ona's sudden illness, which serves as a powerful moment of vulnerability. However, the transition from the discussion about leaving to Ona's vomiting feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to this moment could heighten its impact and provide a clearer emotional arc.
  • The use of humor, particularly through characters like Mejal and Greta, adds levity to an otherwise serious discussion. However, the humor sometimes undercuts the gravity of the situation. Balancing the comedic elements with the serious themes of the scene could create a more cohesive tone.
  • The visual imagery of the women lighting lanterns and the shadows falling across their faces is evocative and sets a somber mood. However, the scene could benefit from more specific visual descriptions that enhance the emotional weight of the dialogue, such as the expressions on the women's faces or the atmosphere in the hayloft.
  • The introduction of the idea of creating their own map is intriguing and symbolizes the women's desire for autonomy and agency. However, this concept could be explored further to emphasize its significance in the context of their struggle. Providing more context or backstory about their relationship with maps and navigation could deepen the thematic resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to focus on the most critical points of contention among the women. This will help maintain the audience's engagement and ensure that the key themes are communicated clearly.
  • Introduce Ona's illness earlier in the scene to build tension leading up to her vomiting. This could involve subtle hints about her discomfort or emotional state, allowing the audience to anticipate her breakdown.
  • Evaluate the placement of humor within the scene. Ensure that it serves to enhance the narrative rather than distract from the emotional stakes. Consider using humor to highlight character dynamics rather than as a response to serious topics.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Focus on the women's expressions, body language, and the overall atmosphere of the hayloft to complement the dialogue.
  • Expand on the significance of the map idea. Perhaps include a brief discussion about past experiences with maps or journeys, which could provide context for why this idea resonates with the women and how it reflects their desire for freedom.



Scene 32 - Echoes of Pain
52 INT. MEJAL’S ROOM - MORNING - ONE YEAR EARLIER 52

ON MEJAL’S LOWER LEGS as she stands up out of bed. Blood
drips to the floor. ON MEJAL’S FACE as she looks down,
hearing the blood droplets hit the floor with what sounds
like a CRASH. Mejal is quiet for a long time. Then she begins
to scream, a primal, animal scream which continues over
Agata’s prayer.

AGATA (V.O.)
Almighty Father, in all humility
and supplication we ask Thee for
Thy abundant kindness this moment.
(MORE)

AGATA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We beseech Thee, have mercy on our
sister Mejal.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a harrowing scene, Mejal awakens to find blood dripping from her legs, leading to a moment of shock and silence before she releases a primal scream. This emotional turmoil is juxtaposed with Agata's voiceover, a prayer for mercy and kindness directed towards Mejal. Set in Mejal's room one year prior, the intense and distressing atmosphere captures her internal struggle with trauma, leaving a haunting impression as her scream resonates over Agata's supportive words.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • Effective use of flashback and prayer
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of intense emotion and turmoil through the use of a traumatic flashback and a powerful prayer. The combination of past trauma and present-day struggles adds depth to the characters and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining a traumatic flashback with a present-day prayer is innovative and adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative. The use of blood as a symbol of pain and suffering is a powerful thematic element.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters' emotional struggles and past traumas, moving the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene displays a high level of originality through its portrayal of internal and external conflicts, as well as the use of sensory details to evoke a strong emotional response. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's uniqueness.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is palpable. The scene allows for moments of vulnerability and introspection, showcasing the complexity of the characters' inner lives.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, confronting their past traumas and seeking solace through prayer. The experience deepens their emotional complexity and adds layers to their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Mejal's internal goal in this scene is to confront her own pain and trauma, as evidenced by her primal scream. This reflects her deeper need for healing and resolution of past experiences.

External Goal: 6

Mejal's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated but can be inferred as dealing with the physical injury or situation that caused the blood on her legs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is internal, with the characters facing their own emotional turmoil and past traumas. The tension comes from their struggles to cope with their pain and find a way forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Mejal's internal struggles and external challenges create obstacles that are difficult to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are emotional, with the characters facing their past traumas and seeking healing and resolution. The outcome of their emotional journey will have a significant impact on their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and conflicts. It sets the stage for further exploration of the characters' past traumas and emotional struggles.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, as well as the unresolved conflict and mystery surrounding Mejals's condition. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of physical pain and emotional turmoil, as represented by Mejal's scream and Agata's prayer. This challenges Mejal's beliefs about suffering and the role of faith in overcoming it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the characters' pain and grief palpable throughout. The combination of the traumatic flashback and the prayer creates a sense of raw emotion and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, with the prayer serving as a powerful moment of reflection and supplication. The characters' silence and screams convey more emotion than words could.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, vivid imagery, and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict and tension between the characters draw the reader in and create a sense of urgency.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion that keeps the reader engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions adds to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with effective use of visual cues and dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and motivations. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the reader's understanding.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format, with alternating perspectives and actions that contribute to the overall tension and suspense. It deviates slightly from the expected format for its genre, adding to its originality.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses visual imagery to convey Mejal's trauma, with the close-up on her lower legs and the blood dripping to the floor. This stark imagery creates an immediate sense of horror and urgency, drawing the audience into her emotional state.
  • The sound design is particularly impactful, as the sound of the blood hitting the floor is exaggerated to resemble a crash. This choice amplifies the gravity of the moment and emphasizes Mejal's shock and horror, making her eventual scream feel more primal and raw.
  • Agata's voiceover prayer contrasts beautifully with Mejal's scream, creating a haunting juxtaposition between the sacred and the profane. This layering of sound adds depth to the scene, highlighting the communal aspect of their suffering and the desperation of their situation.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more context regarding Mejal's character and her relationship with Agata. While the emotional weight is palpable, the audience may struggle to fully grasp the significance of this moment without a clearer understanding of Mejal's backstory and her connection to the other women.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, but the transition from Mejal's scream to Agata's prayer could be smoother. The abrupt cut back to Agata's voiceover feels slightly jarring and could be refined to enhance the emotional flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or visual cue that provides insight into Mejal's past or her relationship with Agata. This could help the audience connect more deeply with her character and understand the weight of her suffering.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating more sensory details beyond sound and sight. For example, describing the smell of blood or the texture of the floor could further immerse the audience in the scene and heighten the emotional impact.
  • Refine the transition between Mejal's scream and Agata's prayer to create a more seamless flow. This could involve a gradual fade or a visual element that links the two moments, enhancing the overall emotional resonance.
  • Consider expanding Agata's prayer to include specific references to Mejal's struggles or the collective pain of the women. This could deepen the audience's understanding of the community's shared trauma and strengthen the emotional connection to the scene.



Scene 33 - Twilight Decisions
53 INT. HAYLOFT - TWILIGHT 53

Salome continues to hold Mejal.

AGATA
Please, in your beneficence, heal
her. Please, we ask of Thee,
envelop her in your strength and
everlasting love, and please drive
out the sickness that afflicts her
now.

The Women continue to bow their heads, they are holding hands
now. Salome has discreetly covered Mejal’s ears. Salome looks
up at Ona.

SALOME
(whispering)
Take the cigarette out of her
pocket.

Ona reaches into Mejal’s pocket and fishes out a cigarette.
Mejal smells the smoke that Salome is putting underneath her
nose. She rouses. She takes a deep breath.

MEJAL
Alright. Help me up.

They help her back to her place at the table. They are all
silent for a while, watching Mejal closely, trying to
recalibrate.

AGATA
Praise be to God.

MARICHE
Why is it only Mejal who has these
sudden-

SALOME
Be quiet.

MARICHE
We were all attacked. Not all of us
draw so much attention to
ourselves.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 52.


MEJAL
Attention? What attention? I talk
less than all of you put together.
How have I offended you?

MARICHE
You have these “attacks.” You
smoke. Why? Why is it so much
harder for you than for us? We were
all attacked. All of us. And the
rest of us are all able to get
through a day without-

GRETA
We are wasting time by passing this
burden, this sack of stones, from
one to the next, by pushing our
pain away. We mustn’t do this. We
mustn’t play hot potato with our
pain. Let’s absorb it ourselves,
each of us. Let’s inhale it, let’s
digest it, let’s process it into
fuel.

Mejal opens her mouth, several times, to speak.

GRETA (CONT'D)
Speak, Mejal. We are listening.

MEJAL
They made us...they made us
disbelieve ourselves. That was
worse than...

They are all silent for a long time. Salome catches her own
tears and then Mejal’s. Mariche looks away. Salome kneels in
front of Mejal. She touches her hair, tenderly.

SALOME
Mejal?

GRETA
Perhaps Mejal’s episode was brought
on by the thought of us creating
our own map.

NEITJE
But I will draw it if we need-
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 53.


GRETA
Not a fear of the do-it-yourself
map making. But of what it means:
that we are masters of our own
destiny. That we would be setting
off into unknowable space.

AGATA
Yes. It makes sense that one would
panic.

Mejal blows smoke rings.

MEJAL
I am not panicking.

AGATA
Yes. But panic, in this case would
be understandable.

MEJAL
But I’m not.

ONA
Klaas, when he returns, may take
horses or livestock that we will
need along the way.

SALOME
Along the way? We’re not leaving.
You are changing your mind, Ona.

Ona takes a deep breath and looks at her sister.

ONA
I don’t believe that is a sin, is
it?

Salome puts her head in her hands.

MARICHE
How will we be forgiven for all
this?
(MORE)
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 54.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
How will we be forgiven if not by
the elders whom we have disobeyed
and who, if we leave, we will never
see again. It will leave us
unforgiven, with black hearts, and
unable to enter the kingdom of god.

GRETA
Perhaps there will be other elders
or men of God that will be able to
forgive us our sins. Ones we
haven’t met yet.

SALOME
We do not have to be forgiven by
the men of God for protecting our
children from the depraved actions
of vicious men who are often the
very same men we are meant to ask
for forgiveness! If God, in the
book of Matthew asks: Let the
children come to me and do not
hinder them, then mustn’t we
consider it a hindrance when our
children are attacked? If God is a
loving God He will forgive us
Himself. If God is a vengeful God
then He has created us in His
image. If God is omnipotent then
why has He not protected the women
and girls of this colony? I will
destroy any living thing that harms
my child. I will tear it limb from
limb, I will desecrate its body and
I will bury it alive. I will
challenge God on the spot to strike
me dead if I have sinned by
protecting my child from evil and
by destroying the evil that it may
not harm another! I will lie, I
will hunt I will kill and I will
dance on graves and burn forever in
hell before I allow another man to
satisfy his violent urges with the
body of my four-year-old child!

Ona moves to her sister and hugs her.

AGATA
(softly)
No. Not dancing. Not desecration.

Mejal goes to Salome and takes her in her arms. Neitje draws
Salome, dancing on a grave.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 55.


MEJAL
Salome.

She holds out her cigarette, for Salome to take a drag.

AGATA
I suggest that we think of what is
good. “Whatever is true, whatever
is honourable, whatever is just,
whatever is pure, whatever is
pleasing, whatever is commendable,
if there is any excellence and if
there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things... and the
peace of God be with you.”

The women bow their heads and say the words along with Agata.
Salome stays quiet, thinking intently and breathing hard.

THE WOMEN
Whatever is true, whatever is
honourable, whatever is just,
whatever is pure, whatever is
pleasing, whatever is commendable,
if there is anything worthy of
praise, think about these things...
and the peace of God be with you.

Salome looks at her mother, vulnerable.

SALOME
I will become a murderer if I stay.
What is worse than that?

Agata nods. There is silence for a long time as the women
watch Salome closely. Agata gets up, she walks to the window,
stares out at the sunset. Salome looks down. Mariche paces.
The women recite the verse again, mostly to themselves. As
the women recite the verse, Ona walks over to where August
sits, writing to catch up. She peers over his shoulder. She
points at the letters.

ONA
I know what these are. These are
letters. But what are these?

AUGUST
They are commas. They signify a
short pause, or a breath, in the
text.

Ona smiles, then inhales.
Tan Rev. (07/29/21) 56.


AUGUST (CONT'D)
There is also a butterfly called
the comma.

ONA
Is that so?

Mariche rolls her eyes.

AUGUST
Yes. It’s called the comma because-

ONA
No. Let me guess. Because it flits
about from leaves to petals, only
briefly stopping on its way?
Because its journey is its story,
never stopping, only pausing, only
moving.

August smiles and nods. Ona punches the palm of her hand in
victory.

ONA (CONT'D)
Aha!

She goes back to her seat. Finally, Agata turns from the
window and walks slowly back to her seat.

AGATA
Salome, there is nothing worse than
being a murderer. If you will
become a murderer by staying in the
colony, side by side with the men
who are responsible for the attacks
then you must, to protect your own
soul and to qualify for entry to
heaven, leave the colony.

Mariche frowns.

MARICHE
We are not all murderers.

ONA
Not yet.

Ona looks at her mother.
Tan Rev. (07/29/21) 57.


AGATA
I have done what the verse from
Philippians instructed, which is to
think about what is good, what is
just, what is pure, and what is
excellent. And I have arrived at an
answer. Pacifism. Pacifism is good.
Any violence is unjustifiable.
By staying here, we women would be
betraying the central tenet of our
faith, which is pacifism, because
by staying we would knowingly be
placing ourselves in a direct
collision course with violence,
either by us or against us.

Agata holds back tears.

AGATA (CONT'D)
This colony is the only home I’ve
ever known, and I don’t want to
leave. But by staying, we would be
inviting harm. We would be in a
state of war. We would turn this
colony into a battlefield.

ONA
We cannot become murderers. And we
cannot endure any more violence.
That is why we must leave.

All the women watch Salome as she nods her head gently. Greta
raises her arms. Mariche makes a noise of objection. Mejal
takes a long haul off her cigarette. She exhales and nods.

MEJAL
Let’s shake a leg, then.

Ona suddenly feels a kick, which startles her. She puts her
hand to her belly. Mariche looks up.

ONA
I’m also thinking about the verse
from Philippians and I’m thinking
about what is good. Freedom is
good. It’s better than slavery. And
forgiveness is good. Better than
revenge. And hope for the unknown
is good, better than hatred of the
familiar.

MARICHE
What about security and safety and
home and family?
(MORE)
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 58.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
What about marriage and love?

ONA
I don’t know about those things,
any of them. Except for love. And
even love is mysterious to me. And
I believe that my home is with my
mother, with my sister and with my
unborn child, wherever they may be.

Ona touches her belly, lightly. Mariche stares at Ona’s
pregnant belly.

MARICHE
Will you not hate that child? That
child is the child of a man who
inspires violent thoughts in you.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft at twilight, Salome comforts Mejal as Agata prays for her healing. Salome discreetly helps Mejal regain consciousness with a cigarette, leading to a deep discussion about their shared suffering and the morality of their situation. As tensions rise, Greta suggests they absorb their pain, while Ona advocates for freedom. The scene culminates in a collective decision to leave the colony, symbolizing their unity and hope for a better future.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Complex character interactions
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is emotionally charged and thought-provoking, with intense dialogue and deep character introspection. It effectively conveys the weight of the decision the characters are facing and sets the stage for significant character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on the characters' moral struggles and the decision to leave their colony, is compelling and thought-provoking. It delves into complex themes with depth and nuance, adding layers to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by the characters' internal conflicts and the decision-making process they are going through. It advances the overall story arc by introducing a crucial turning point and setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of pacifism, forgiveness, and motherhood. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.3

The characters in the scene are well-developed and multi-dimensional, each grappling with their own beliefs, fears, and desires. Their interactions and dialogue reveal layers of complexity and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant internal changes and growth in the scene, particularly in their decision-making process and moral reflections. The scene sets the stage for character development and transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

Salome's internal goal is to protect her child and maintain her moral integrity in the face of potential violence and conflict within the colony.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to make a decision about leaving the colony to avoid violence and protect her child.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal conflicts and moral dilemmas faced by the characters, adding tension and emotional depth to the narrative. The conflicting beliefs and desires of the characters drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and moral dilemmas creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left unsure of the characters' decisions and their consequences.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with the decision to leave their colony, facing moral dilemmas, internal conflicts, and the potential consequences of their choices. The outcome will have a significant impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a crucial decision point for the characters and setting up future conflicts and developments. It advances the narrative arc and adds depth to the overall plot.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting beliefs and decisions. The audience is kept on edge as they navigate the moral complexities of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of pacifism, forgiveness, and the consequences of violence. The women debate the moral implications of their actions and the importance of maintaining their faith.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting strong feelings of empathy, introspection, and contemplation from the audience. The characters' struggles and decisions resonate on a deep emotional level, drawing the audience into their world.

Dialogue: 9.4

The dialogue in the scene is powerful and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, conflicts, and inner turmoil effectively. It drives the narrative forward and adds depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, emotional conflicts, and moral dilemmas. The characters' interactions and decisions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to immerse themselves in the characters' struggles and decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil and complexity of the women's experiences, particularly through Mejal's character. The dialogue is rich and layered, showcasing the differing perspectives on pain and healing within the group. However, the pacing feels uneven at times, especially during the transitions between dialogue-heavy moments and emotional outbursts. This could lead to a loss of tension and engagement for the audience.
  • Salome's passionate declaration about protecting her child is powerful and resonates with the audience, but it risks overshadowing the other characters' voices. While her emotions are justified, it may be beneficial to balance her intensity with quieter moments from other characters to maintain a sense of collective struggle rather than individual spotlighting.
  • The use of prayer and religious references adds depth to the scene, but it may come off as heavy-handed for some viewers. The dialogue could benefit from more subtlety in conveying the characters' faith and moral dilemmas, allowing the audience to infer rather than explicitly state their beliefs.
  • The visual elements, such as the women holding hands and bowing their heads, create a strong sense of unity and shared experience. However, the scene could enhance its visual storytelling by incorporating more physical actions or gestures that reflect the characters' emotional states, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • The introduction of the idea of creating their own map is intriguing and symbolizes their desire for autonomy. However, the connection between this idea and Mejal's episode could be more clearly established. The scene could benefit from a more explicit exploration of how the fear of the unknown manifests in their discussions and affects Mejal's mental state.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain a brisker pace, especially during moments of emotional intensity. This can help keep the audience engaged and heighten the impact of key emotional beats.
  • Balance Salome's passionate outburst with moments of reflection or quieter responses from other characters. This will create a more dynamic interplay between the characters and allow for a richer exploration of their collective trauma.
  • Introduce more visual storytelling elements that reflect the characters' emotional states, such as close-ups of their expressions or physical gestures that convey their feelings without words.
  • Explore the connection between the idea of creating a map and Mejal's episode more explicitly. This could involve a character directly linking the fear of the unknown to Mejal's emotional state, enhancing the thematic depth of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating moments of silence or pauses in dialogue to allow the weight of the characters' experiences to resonate with the audience, creating a more contemplative atmosphere.



Scene 34 - Reflections of Forgiveness
54 INT. ONA’S BEDROOM - SUNRISE - 7 MONTHS EARLIER 54

Ona wakes up, she can barely move her arms and legs. She
looks down, sees blood stains on the bed. A din like a roar
again.

ONA
Mother! Again!

Agata rushes in. She looks around at the bed, and clasps Ona
to her.

ONA (V.O.)
I already love this child more than
anything.

CUT BACK TO:


55 INT. HAYLOFT - TWILIGHT 55

Ona speaks clearly and calmly.

ONA
He or she is as innocent and
lovable as the evening sun.
And so too was the child’s father
when he was born.

Agata makes a small noise.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 59.


ONA (CONT'D)
Are you crying?

Agata shakes her head. Salome looks at her closely. Salome
strokes her head.

MARICHE
(to Ona)
If you are saying that forgiveness
is better than revenge, aren’t you
saying that we must stay here and
forgive the men?

ONA
We cannot forgive because we are
forced to. But if there is
distance, perhaps I can begin to
understand how these crimes may
have occurred. And maybe from that
distance, I can pity these men, and
perhaps forgive them. And even love
them.

A moment of silence as they absorb what Ona has said.

AGATA
And so we must leave in order to
have that distance.

ONA
Not fighting. But moving on. Always
moving. Never fighting. Just
moving...

Ona seems to be in some kind of trance.

MARICHE
Snap out of it.

SALOME
You snap out of it, Mariche.

MEJAL
All of you snap out of it and
focus. Have you lost your minds?
The sun is gone.

Mejal jabs at the window, at the darkening sky outside. They
stare for a moment at the coming night.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 60.


GRETA
I want to tell another story about
Ruth and Cheryl.

Several of The Women groan. Neitje and Autje fall backwards
in boredom.

CUT TO:


56 EXT ROAD - MORNING 56

We see Greta looking far down the road in front of her,
driving her horses forward as she rides in the buggy. TIGHT
ON the back of the HORSE’S HEADS, we see their direction
moving erratically, then finding focus and going straight as
Greta speaks.

GRETA (V.O.)
I was always frightened of the
northern road out of the colony. So
many gullies on either side of the
road that are so deep. And it’s so
narrow. The buggy used to lurch
side to side. Ruth and Cheryl were
simply following my commands on the
reins but they were jerky and
frenetic. It was dangerous. It was
only when I learned to focus my
gaze far down ahead of me, down the
road, and not on the road
immediately in front of Ruth and
Cheryl that I started to feel safe.

The buggy goes by the camera, we CRANE UP to see Greta
getting smaller and smaller, disappearing into the distance,
the sun setting over the colony.

GRETA (V.O.)
Leaving will give us the more far-
seeing perspective we need to
forgive.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene begins with Ona waking up in her blood-stained bedroom, feeling weak and calling for her mother, Agata, who comforts her. In a voiceover, Ona expresses her love for her unborn child and contemplates forgiveness, suggesting that understanding the men's actions could lead to compassion. The setting shifts to a hayloft at twilight, where Ona and other women discuss the complexities of forgiveness and the need to escape their current situation for clarity. The conversation reveals differing opinions, particularly between Ona and Mariche, while Salome supports Ona's perspective. The scene concludes with Greta attempting to divert the conversation with a story, which the others dismiss.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Pacing in some dialogue scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the emotional depth of the characters, highlighting their internal struggles and the collective decision to move forward. The themes of forgiveness and unity are well-developed, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness, distance, and moving on is central to the scene, driving the characters' decisions and emotional arcs. The exploration of complex emotions and the importance of unity adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the women's internal struggles and decision to leave the colony, moving the story forward while exploring themes of forgiveness and unity. The conflict and emotional stakes are effectively developed.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of forgiveness and moving on, with unique character dynamics and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own emotional journey and unique perspective on forgiveness and moving on. Their interactions and dialogue reveal depth and complexity, adding richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience emotional growth and change in the scene, particularly in their perspectives on forgiveness and moving forward. The collective decision to leave the colony signifies a significant shift in their journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Ona's internal goal is to find a way to forgive and move on from the past traumas that have affected her and her community. She is grappling with the idea of forgiveness and understanding the motivations behind the crimes that have occurred.

External Goal: 7

Ona's external goal is to physically leave the current location in order to gain perspective and distance from the past events. She believes that leaving will help her in the process of forgiveness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with forgiveness and moving on. While there is tension and differing perspectives, the conflict is resolved through unity and shared resolve.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters grappling with conflicting beliefs and emotions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the characters' emotional well-being and their decision to leave the colony. The themes of forgiveness and unity add weight to their choices, highlighting the importance of their collective journey.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and decision-making process. The exploration of forgiveness and unity adds depth to the narrative, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of character decisions and emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of forgiveness versus revenge. Ona believes that forgiveness is the path to understanding and moving on, while others in the group struggle with the concept of forgiving those who have wronged them.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' internal struggles and decisions. The themes of forgiveness, love, and unity evoke a strong emotional response, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, effectively conveying the characters' internal struggles and emotional depth. The conversations about forgiveness, love, and moving forward are impactful and thought-provoking.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic exploration of forgiveness.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional and thematic elements of the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Ona's internal struggle with her feelings about motherhood and forgiveness against the backdrop of the women's collective trauma. However, the transition from the intimate moment in Ona's bedroom to the discussion in the hayloft feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the emotional flow.
  • Ona's voiceover at the beginning provides a poignant insight into her feelings for her unborn child, but the dialogue that follows in the hayloft could benefit from more emotional depth. While Ona's reflections on forgiveness are profound, the responses from the other women feel somewhat flat and could be more emotionally charged to match the gravity of the topic.
  • The dialogue between the women, particularly Mariche's challenge to Ona, is crucial for the conflict, but it lacks a sense of urgency. Given the stakes involved, the characters' reactions should reflect a heightened emotional state, especially considering the trauma they have all experienced.
  • Mejal's interruption with 'The sun is gone' serves as a dramatic moment, but it could be more impactful if it were tied more closely to the emotional stakes of the conversation. This line feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding dialogue, and a clearer connection could enhance its significance.
  • The ending with Greta wanting to tell a story feels like a tonal shift that may undermine the weight of the previous discussion. While humor can be a useful tool for relief, it should be carefully balanced to avoid diminishing the emotional resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual transition between the two settings to create a smoother flow from Ona's bedroom to the hayloft. This could involve a visual motif or a shared line of dialogue that connects the two scenes.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue by allowing the characters to express their fears and hopes more vividly. This could involve adding more personal anecdotes or emotional reactions that reflect their shared trauma.
  • Increase the urgency in the characters' responses, particularly in Mariche's challenge to Ona. This could be achieved through more passionate dialogue or physical reactions that convey their emotional stakes.
  • Reframe Mejal's line about the sun in a way that ties it back to the themes of hope and despair discussed earlier. Perhaps she could express a fear of darkness that resonates with the group's emotional state.
  • Consider revising the ending to maintain the emotional weight of the scene. If humor is introduced, it should serve to enhance the moment rather than detract from it. Perhaps Greta could share a story that ties back to the themes of motherhood and forgiveness.



Scene 35 - Morning Joy: A Grandmother's Love
57 INT. GRETA’S KITCHEN - MORNING 57

Greta sits with her one year old grandchild on her lap,
feeding her porridge. Every now and then she gives her a
little jostle, making her laugh uproariously.

GRETA (V.O.)
Which is to love properly, and to
keep the peace, according to our
faith.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 61.


58 INT. GRETA’S KITCHEN - MORNING 58

Greta plays a hide and seek game with her granddaughter,
getting down on all fours and hiding behind doorways. Greta
is childlike, magical to her granddaughter.

GRETA (V.O.)
Therefore, our leaving wouldn’t be
an act of cowardice or abandonment.
It wouldn’t be because we were
excommunicated or exiled. It would
be a supreme act of faith, a step
towards love and forgiveness.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a warm morning scene, Greta joyfully feeds her one-year-old granddaughter porridge while playfully engaging in a hide-and-seek game, showcasing their deep bond and innocence. As they laugh and play, Greta's voiceover reflects on love, faith, and the courage of leaving as a necessary step towards forgiveness, emphasizing the warmth of family amidst her internal conflict.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of reflection, hope, and unity among the characters. The interactions between Greta and her granddaughter add a touch of warmth and innocence to the overall tone. The contemplation about leaving the colony as an act of faith and forgiveness adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring themes of love, faith, and forgiveness through the interactions between characters is well-executed. The idea of leaving the colony as an act of faith adds depth to the narrative and prompts contemplation about the characters' motivations.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is subtle in this scene, the contemplation about leaving the colony introduces a significant development in the characters' decision-making process. The focus on love and forgiveness adds emotional depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its focus on intimate family dynamics and the exploration of faith, love, and forgiveness. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are portrayed with depth and nuance, especially Greta and her granddaughter, whose relationship adds a layer of warmth to the scene. The women's contemplation about leaving the colony showcases their internal struggles and desires for a better future.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no drastic character changes in this scene, the contemplation about leaving the colony prompts internal reflection and growth among the characters. The decision-making process hints at potential changes in their future actions.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express her deep love for her granddaughter and to reflect on the importance of faith, love, and forgiveness in their family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, as the focus is more on the emotional connection between Greta and her granddaughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant external conflict but focuses more on internal struggles and contemplation among the characters. The conflict arises from the decision-making process about leaving the colony.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is minimal, as the focus is more on the emotional connection between Greta and her granddaughter rather than external conflicts or obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in this scene, focusing more on the characters' internal struggles and decisions rather than external threats. The decision to leave the colony carries emotional weight but does not involve immediate danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the idea of leaving the colony as a significant decision for the characters. It sets the stage for potential changes in their circumstances and relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on family, faith, and forgiveness, but the emotional depth and character interactions add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between faith, love, and forgiveness versus cowardice, abandonment, and exile. Greta's internal monologue reflects this conflict as she contemplates the meaning of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a sense of warmth, reflection, and hope, resonating with the audience on an emotional level. The themes of love, faith, and forgiveness add depth to the characters' emotional journeys.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the themes of love, faith, and forgiveness, as well as the characters' emotional states. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and contribute to the overall reflective tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, intimate family dynamics, and philosophical reflections that draw the audience into the characters' world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and thematic complexity of the protagonist's internal struggles and philosophical reflections.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional and thematic elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and thematic complexity of the protagonist's internal struggles and philosophical reflections.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tenderness and joy between Greta and her granddaughter, which contrasts sharply with the heavier themes present in the rest of the screenplay. This juxtaposition can serve to highlight the stakes of the women's situation, but it may also risk undermining the overall tone if not handled carefully.
  • Greta's voiceover provides insight into her perspective on leaving, framing it as an act of faith rather than cowardice. However, the transition from the playful interaction to the philosophical reflection feels abrupt. The scene could benefit from a smoother integration of these two elements to maintain emotional continuity.
  • The dialogue in the voiceover is somewhat abstract and could be more grounded in the immediate context of the scene. While the themes of love and forgiveness are important, they might resonate more if tied directly to the actions and emotions displayed in the moment with her granddaughter.
  • The visual elements of the scene are charming, but they could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details that evoke the warmth and comfort of the kitchen. Describing the smells, sounds, or even the light filtering through the windows could deepen the reader's immersion in the moment.
  • The scene lacks conflict or tension, which is a hallmark of the screenplay's previous scenes. While this moment of levity is refreshing, it may feel out of place without a hint of the underlying struggles the characters face. Introducing a subtle reminder of the external conflict could help maintain narrative cohesion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Greta's joy is interrupted by a fleeting thought or memory related to the struggles of the women, creating a more seamless connection between the playful scene and the overarching themes of the screenplay.
  • Enhance the voiceover by incorporating specific examples or anecdotes from Greta's life that illustrate her beliefs about love and forgiveness, making her reflections feel more personal and relatable.
  • Include more sensory details in the description of the kitchen and the interaction between Greta and her granddaughter to create a richer atmosphere that draws the reader in.
  • Introduce a subtle tension or reminder of the women's plight, perhaps through a sound from outside or a brief moment of hesitation from Greta, to maintain the screenplay's overall tone and thematic focus.
  • Consider ending the scene with a line that ties back to the larger narrative, perhaps hinting at the challenges ahead or the importance of the decisions they are making, to reinforce the connection between this moment and the broader story.



Scene 36 - Twilight Decisions
59 INT. HAYLOFT - TWILIGHT 59

The Women are silent, considering this. Neitje draws a buggy,
way in the distance.

GRETA
Leaving is how we demonstrate our
faith. We are leaving because our
faith is stronger than the rules.
Bigger than our life.

This hangs in the air.

Greta grimaces and moves her hand slowly in front of her
face.

GRETA (CONT'D)
I am sorry. But I think I might be
dying.

Some of The Women rise, in alarm, from their seats. Mejal
looks directly into Greta’s eyes. She laughs. She removes
Greta’s eyeglasses and shows them to the group.

MEJAL
Mother. You are not dying. Your
glasses need cleaning.

Greta laughs, relieved. Mejal cleans her glasses on her dress
and hands them back to her.

GRETA
I thought the lights were going
out.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 62.


Agata hoots. The Women, other than Mariche, laugh and laugh.
Agata struggles for breath. Autje posts the picture of Ona
and her baby on the wall.

MARICHE
What are you laughing at? We can’t
leave. It would be better to stay
and fight than leave.

ONA
Do you really mean that you want to
stay and NOT fight? Because when
was the last time you had the
strength to stand up to the
aggression of Klaas, to protect
your children, or to get out of
harm’s way?

Mariche is enraged. She rises, ignoring Salome and looking at
Ona.

MARICHE
Who are you to tell me what kind of
wife and mother to be when you are
neither one yourself? You are a
spinster, a lunatic! A whore! An
unwed mother!

August writes as fast as he can, nervously watching Ona.
Salome rises from her milk bucket.

SALOME
Ona was made unconscious and raped
like the rest of us and now is
pregnant as a result! How dare you
call her a whore! Mariche, are you
not afraid your own sweet boys will
become monsters like their father
because you do nothing to protect
them or yourself-

AUTJE
(softly)
Stop.

SALOME
(Continuing without
stopping)
Nothing to educate them, nothing to
teach them the horror of their
father’s ways, the sickness...
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 62A.


AGATA
Now. I. Have. Heard. Enough! Are
you women not aware that we are
talking about leaving? We are a
large group.
(MORE)
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 63.

AGATA (CONT'D)
Many things can go wrong and our
time is fleeting! For the love of
our Lord Jesus Christ and precious
Saviour will you shut your
pieholes, please!

Greta lets out an involuntary laugh. Mariche turns to face
Ona.

MARICHE
How dare you pass judgement on me.

Ona meets Mariche’s gaze.

ONA
It wasn’t judgement. It was a
question.

Agata leans over to whisper to Ona.

ONA (CONT'D)
I am sorry, Mariche. I am sorry
that what I said hurt you.

MARICHE
Fuck it off.

Mejal laughs.

GRETA
Sit down Mariche.

Mejal and Salome share a cigarette. Agata continues to stroke
Salome’s arms and hair.

NEITJE
(whispering)
It’s “fuck off” I think.

The others nod in agreement. Autje and Neitje laugh. Neitje
draws Mariche yelling at Ona, pointing a finger.

ONA
I am sorry. I am saying sorry, not
just to leave the hurt behind, but
because I feel, truly, that I
should not have said something
harmful.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 64.


Mariche watches her, somewhat calmed, but still guarded and
waiting to pounce.

ONA (CONT'D)
And Mariche. I am sorry because you
don’t need or deserve more harm.

MARICHE
Who are any of you to pretend I
have had a choice?

Mariche notices Autje, who is watching her carefully.

Autje nods, softly.

GRETA
I am also sorry Mariche.

Mariche looks up at her mother, quickly, startled.

GRETA (CONT'D)
Because, Mariche. I couldn’t - I
didn’t try to protect you or your
children from Klaas. All this time.
And what you say is true. You had
no choice. You forgave him, again
and again, as you were told to. As
I told you to.

Mariche sits down, taking in her mother’s words. She looks
around at the group. Salome looks up at her, quickly, then
looks away, nodding in agreement with Greta, tears in her
eyes. Mariche speaks softly, almost to herself.

MARICHE
It is not only the men and boys who
have been excellent students.

Mariche takes the overalls she has been sewing, off her lap,
and puts them to the side.

SALOME
Yes. All of us have been infected
by a poisoned way of thinking.

MARICHE
And so you have judged me. For what
I have endured.

Agata nods gently, looking at her. Autje comes over to
Mariche and sits on the floor beside her, puts her head in
her lap. Mariche touches her hair, softly.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 64A.


AGATA
I think, Mariche... I think that we
are all very sorry. What you have
been required to endure with your
violent husband was a...
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 65.


GRETA
A misuse of forgiveness.

MEJAL
Is there such a thing? Is there a
forgiveness that is not good?

AGATA
Perhaps forgiveness can, in some
instances, be confused with
permission.

Mariche looks up to see her. Mejal touches Mariche’s hand.
Seeing their acknowledgement, something in Mariche softens.
She puts her head down. She appears to be breathing fully,
for the first time. She stares at the floor.

ONA
Perhaps it will also be a difficult
task to forgive each other, and
ourselves, after all that has
happened.

Mariche nods at her mother, tears in her eyes. Greta holds
Mariche close.

Suddenly Nettie/Melvin, climbs the ladder holding Julius
Reimer, Mariche’s son, (5 years old). He looks stunned and *
upset.

GRETA
What in heaven’s name?

Nettie/Melvin thrusts Julius into Mariche’s lap. He points at
the boy’s nose, gesticulating, expressing bewilderment.

AGATA
Nettie. Please. Be reasonable. Make
an exception and tell us what is
happening. There are only women in
this loft. Nettie!

August remains very still. Nettie/Melvin is silent, pondering
the request. Julius turns his face into Mariche’s chest and
howls.

MARICHE
(urgently)
What has happened to him?

Julius points to his nose.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 66.


AGATA
Nettie. Be realistic. What has
happened to Julius? Please! Just
speak this once!

JULIUS
My nose. There is a cherry pit in
my nose!

Mariche presses on one of Julius’ nostrils.

MARICHE
Blow. Now. Blow, Julius.

Julius blows the cherry pit out and Mariche runs her fingers
down his nose and the cherry pit comes out. Ona inserts two
fingers into her mouth and whistles. The Women stop talking
and look at her.

ONA
If Julius has put a cherry pit up
his nose it means he has been
eating cherries or he has, at
least, been near cherries.

The Women look at her, silently, a realization dawning.

ONA (CONT'D)
We have no cherries in the colony.

MARICHE
(realizing)
Klaas sometimes brings them back
from the city.

AGATA
Who gave you the cherries? Julius!

JULIUS
Papa.

MARICHE
Papa is home now?

JULIUS
No. I saw him out on the road. He’s
collecting animals.

Mariche looks pale. She looks up at Melvin/Nettie who nods.

Agata steadies her gaze and is still. Salome rushes to the
window, cursing.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 66A.


MARICHE
(to Julius)
If you see him again you can tell
him that we are all quilting.

JULIUS
Isn’t that lying?

MARICHE
No. It’s... something else. Go now.
Go with Nettie.
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 67.


Julius nods. Melvin takes Julius’ hand and takes him down the
ladder.

GRETA
Have we made a decision? Are we
leaving?

She looks at each woman, and they each, silently, in their
own way, agree. Mariche is still.

AUTJE
Yes.

GRETA
We are leaving because-

AUTJE
We know why we are leaving. We are
leaving because we cannot stay.

Everyone looks at Autje, taking this in. Mariche beckons to
Autje. Autje sits beside her and Mariche puts her arm around
her.

NEITJE
What happens when we become hungry?
Or afraid?

ONA
We are not animals. Hunger and fear
cannot be our guide.

MEJAL
Should we not have more perspective
than animals?

AGATA
Animals have perspective. Remember?
The dragonflies? They set out
knowing that they will not see the
end of their journey but their
children will.

MEJAL
Please for the love of Joshua
Judges Ruth can we start talking
practically!

Agata smiles and twists her body from side to side in
delight.

AGATA
I like that. “For the love of
Joshua Judges Ruth.”
Salmon Rev. (07/08/21) 67A.


GRETA
We will take young boys under
twelve with us. And we will allow
the men to join the women later,
under certain conditions.

AUTJE
I like it.

NEITJE
Me too.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 68.


Salome shakes her head, alarmed. Greta smiles at the young
women, who look sad.

GRETA
Would everyone agree to this now,
knowing that our minds may change
in the future?

ONA
No. Not yet.

Salome presses her index fingers into the corners of her
eyes, trying to push back the tears.

SALOME
We can’t leave.

AGATA
Aaron. I know.

SALOME
He is just over twelve. Just
barely.

FLASHBACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft at twilight, a group of women grapples with the oppressive circumstances of their lives. Greta expresses faith in their ability to leave, while Mejal provides comic relief. Tensions rise as Mariche confronts Ona about motherhood and the need to fight against their abuser, Klaas, whose recent presence heightens their urgency. Amidst laughter and emotional exchanges, the women reflect on their shared trauma and ultimately decide to leave, acknowledging the complexities and uncertainties of their choice.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resolution of conflicts
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the story. It effectively resolves conflicts, showcases character growth, and sets the stage for a significant plot development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness, resolution, and the decision to leave is central to the scene and effectively portrayed.

Plot: 9.2

The plot progresses significantly with the decision to leave, resolving conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to themes of forgiveness, faith, and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show growth, vulnerability, and depth in this scene, with strong interactions and emotional arcs.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes, confront their past, and make important decisions, leading to growth and resolution.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek forgiveness and reconciliation with her past actions and relationships. She is grappling with guilt and the desire to make amends.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to make a decision about leaving the colony and facing the consequences of their actions. They are dealing with the practicalities of survival and the dynamics within the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

There is a high level of emotional conflict and tension in the scene, with characters confronting past grievances and making difficult decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and relationships. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the decision to leave, confront past traumas, and strive for forgiveness and unity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, making a crucial decision, and setting the stage for the next narrative arc.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional revelations, character dynamics, and plot twists. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the concepts of forgiveness, choice, and societal expectations. The characters are challenged by their beliefs and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking empathy, catharsis, and reflection in the audience.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue is impactful, emotional, and drives the scene forward with meaningful exchanges and confrontations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, interpersonal conflicts, and character development. The tension and vulnerability keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for impactful character moments and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, allowing for clear and concise storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional and narrative beats. It builds tension and conflict, leading to a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional turmoil among the women, particularly through the conflict between Mariche and Ona. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, especially when characters are expressing their grievances. This could be streamlined to maintain the emotional weight without overwhelming the audience with exposition.
  • Greta's humorous moment about her glasses serves as a nice relief in an otherwise tense scene, but it may disrupt the flow of the serious discussions that follow. The transition from laughter to conflict could be smoother to maintain the scene's emotional integrity.
  • The character dynamics are well-established, particularly the conflict between Mariche and Ona, but the scene could benefit from more subtlety in their exchanges. Mariche's outburst feels justified, but her insults towards Ona could be more nuanced to reflect the complexity of their relationship rather than resorting to name-calling.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven; while the initial exchanges are quick and engaging, the latter part drags slightly as the women reflect on their shared trauma. This could be tightened to keep the audience engaged throughout.
  • The use of humor and light-hearted moments is a strong choice, but it should be balanced carefully with the gravity of the subject matter. The laughter should feel organic and not forced, ensuring it serves to enhance the emotional stakes rather than detract from them.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository. Allow characters to express their feelings through actions and subtler exchanges rather than overt statements.
  • Enhance the transitions between humor and tension to create a more cohesive emotional arc. Perhaps use a visual cue or a change in music to signal shifts in tone.
  • Explore deeper character motivations in Mariche's outburst. Instead of resorting to insults, allow her to express her pain and frustration in a way that invites empathy from the audience.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting unnecessary dialogue or reflections that do not advance the plot or character development. Focus on the most impactful lines that convey the emotional stakes.
  • Ensure that moments of levity feel earned and appropriate within the context of the scene. This can be achieved by allowing characters to bond over shared experiences rather than forcing humor into serious discussions.



Scene 37 - Playful Beginnings, Somber Reflections
60 EXT. WASHHOUSE FENCE - MORNING 60

Salome leads Aaron home. He jumps up on a fence. He takes a
few steps. Salome watches him from a distance as he hops
down. She sneaks up behind him, then grabs his waist and
screams. He laughs, startled, pretends to be annoyed.

GRETA (V.O.)
The sadness of leaving Aaron behind
for the time being will only spur
us all, all of us grieving mothers,
to rebuild a new and better colony
for everyone.

CUT BACK TO:


61 INT. HAYLOFT - MAGIC HOUR 61

Agata puts her arm around Salome’s shoulders. Mejal crosses
to Salome’s side, tears falling. She puts her arms around
Salome. They are silent for a while.

SALOME
Why are boys aged thirteen and
fourteen left behind? Why wouldn’t
they leave with us?
Tan Rev. (07/29/21) 69.


AGATA
Surely we can’t be afraid of boys
of this age? Why couldn’t they join
us if we leave?

Ona looks at August.

ONA
August. You’re the boys teacher.
What is your feeling about this? Do
boys of this age pose a threat to
our girls and women?

August stops transcribing. He puts his pen down and thinks.

AUGUST
Yes. Possibly. Every one of us,
male or female, poses a potential
threat. Thirteen and fourteen-year-
old boys are capable of causing
great damage to girls and women,
and to each other.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Salome playfully leads Aaron home, but the mood shifts as the group gathers in a hayloft to discuss the implications of leaving behind boys aged thirteen and fourteen. While Salome expresses concern about their potential threat, Agata questions the fear surrounding them, and August reflects on the risks posed by boys at that age. The dialogue reveals a tension between playful innocence and the somber realities of their situation, leaving the group's fears unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the ultimate decision made by the characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively explores the moral and emotional complexities of the characters' decision-making process, creating a tense and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the dilemma of leaving behind teenage boys in a dangerous environment is thought-provoking and adds depth to the characters' moral struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is focused on the characters' decision-making process, moving the story forward by highlighting the internal conflicts and emotional stakes at play.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on community dynamics and safety concerns, with a focus on the nuanced interactions between characters and their differing viewpoints.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed convincingly, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and internal conflict, leading to a shift in their perspectives and decisions, particularly regarding the difficult choice they face.

Internal Goal: 8

Salome's internal goal is to understand the reasons behind leaving boys aged thirteen and fourteen behind and to grapple with the implications of this decision on the safety of the community.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the complex dynamics of the colony and make decisions that will ensure the safety and security of its members.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the moral dilemma of leaving behind teenage boys in a dangerous situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to navigate.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the moral dilemma of leaving behind teenage boys in a dangerous situation, highlighting the potential risks and consequences of their decision.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by presenting a crucial decision point for the characters, setting the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges conventional notions of safety and trust within the community, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of potential threats posed by individuals within the community, regardless of age or gender. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about safety, trust, and community dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters' internal struggles and moral dilemmas are portrayed with authenticity and depth.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful and drives the emotional intensity of the scene, effectively conveying the characters' conflicting perspectives and moral dilemmas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it raises thought-provoking questions, creates tension through conflicting viewpoints, and explores complex moral dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the clarity and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional depth and philosophical conflicts at play.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of leaving behind the younger generation, particularly through Salome's interaction with Aaron. However, the transition from the playful moment to the serious discussion feels abrupt. The tonal shift could be smoother to maintain the emotional flow.
  • Greta's voiceover serves as a poignant reminder of the mothers' grief and their hopes for a better future. However, it might benefit from being more directly tied to the visual elements of the scene. Consider integrating her thoughts into the dialogue or actions of the characters to create a stronger connection.
  • The dialogue between Salome, Agata, Ona, and August raises important questions about the nature of boys at this age, but it could be more dynamic. The characters' responses feel somewhat flat and could use more emotional depth or conflict to reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • August's reflection on the potential threat posed by boys is a crucial moment, but it lacks a sense of urgency. This could be enhanced by showing more of his internal struggle or hesitation, perhaps through physical cues or a more conflicted tone in his voice.
  • The scene ends with a cut to the next moment without a clear resolution to the discussion about the boys. This leaves the audience hanging and could benefit from a more definitive conclusion or a moment of shared understanding among the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection from Salome after her playful interaction with Aaron, allowing her to express her internal conflict about leaving him behind before transitioning to the serious discussion.
  • Enhance Greta's voiceover by incorporating it into the dialogue, perhaps having her express these thoughts directly to the group, which would create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Introduce more emotional stakes in the dialogue by having the characters express their fears or personal experiences related to the boys, which would deepen the conflict and make their concerns more relatable.
  • Give August a moment of hesitation or conflict before he answers Salome's question, perhaps by showing him recalling past experiences or the weight of his responsibility as a teacher, which would add depth to his character.
  • End the scene with a moment of silence or a shared look among the characters after August's statement, emphasizing the gravity of the situation and allowing the audience to feel the weight of their decision.



Scene 38 - The Reckless Joy of Youth
62 EXT. SCHOOLHOUSE - MORNING 62

As we hear August’s voice, we see the boys of the schoolhouse
racing. They scrum around the victor, and shove each other -
at first playfully and then more aggressively.

AUGUST (V.O.)
It is a brash age. They are
possessed of reckless urges,
physical exuberance, intense
curiosity that often results in
injury, unbridled emotion,
including deep tenderness and
empathy, and not quite enough
experience or brain development to
fully understand or appreciate the
consequences of their actions or
words. They are similar to the
yearlings; young, awkward, gleeful,
powerful. They are tall, muscular,
sexually inquisitive creatures with
little impulse control, but they
are children. They are children and
they can be taught.
(MORE)
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 70.

AUGUST (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I’m a two-bit schoolteacher, a
failed farmer, an effeminate man,
and above all, a believer.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a lively morning scene outside a schoolhouse, boys engage in playful yet aggressive racing, celebrating a victor among them. August, the schoolteacher, reflects through voiceover on the exuberance and recklessness of youth, acknowledging their deep emotions and lack of maturity. While he expresses concern over the potential dangers of their behavior, he also affirms his belief in their potential, capturing the bittersweet duality of childhood.
Strengths
  • Nuanced character exploration
  • Emotional depth
  • Reflective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, providing insight into their inner struggles and the pivotal decision they face. The reflective tone and somber atmosphere create a poignant and thought-provoking moment for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring themes of forgiveness, trauma, and the decision to leave a challenging situation is compelling and well-developed in the scene. The focus on internal conflicts and emotional resolutions adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around the characters' contemplations, discussions, and eventual decision to leave their current situation. It moves the story forward by highlighting the internal struggles and resolutions of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges and potential of youth, blending poetic language with a realistic portrayal of children's behavior. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are the heart of the scene, with each one grappling with personal traumas, emotions, and decisions. Their interactions, conflicts, and resolutions drive the emotional impact of the scene and showcase their depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes and resolutions in the scene, particularly in terms of forgiveness, unity, and the decision to leave their current situation. These changes drive the narrative forward and showcase the characters' growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to teach and guide the young boys, despite his own insecurities and failures. It reflects his desire to make a positive impact on the children's lives and his belief in their potential.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain control and discipline among the boys while fostering a sense of learning and growth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are internal conflicts and tensions among the characters, the scene focuses more on emotional struggles and resolutions rather than external conflicts. The conflict level is moderate, driven by the characters' personal dilemmas.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the conflict between the protagonist's beliefs and the children's behavior providing a challenge that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with the characters facing internal dilemmas, traumas, and the decision to leave their current situation. While the emotional stakes are high, the external risks are more subdued.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by focusing on the characters' contemplations, discussions, and eventual decision to leave. It sets the stage for future developments and resolutions, driving the narrative towards a pivotal moment.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the protagonist's goals and the children's behavior, but there is an element of unpredictability in how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between the protagonist's belief in the children's potential and the challenges of their reckless behavior and lack of understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles, resolutions, and moments of unity. The somber tone, reflective dialogue, and poignant performances evoke strong emotions and empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is introspective, emotional, and thought-provoking, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and resolutions. It effectively conveys the themes of forgiveness, trauma, and the importance of unity among the women.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, relatable themes, and the tension between the protagonist's beliefs and the children's behavior.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment where the protagonist's beliefs are tested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, with distinct scene headings, character dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively introduces the setting, characters, and conflict, setting up the thematic elements of growth and education.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic energy of youth through the boys' playful yet aggressive behavior, which aligns well with August's voiceover. However, the transition from playful to aggressive could be more visually distinct to emphasize the shift in tone and stakes.
  • August's voiceover provides a thoughtful reflection on the nature of boys at this age, but it risks feeling overly didactic. The balance between narrative exposition and character-driven storytelling could be improved by incorporating more visual storytelling or dialogue that illustrates these points rather than stating them outright.
  • The metaphor comparing boys to yearlings is evocative, but it may benefit from a more nuanced exploration of their emotional states. While the voiceover mentions tenderness and empathy, these qualities could be shown through specific interactions among the boys, rather than just described.
  • The self-deprecating tone of August's voiceover adds depth to his character, but it might be more impactful if it were contrasted with a moment of action or decision that highlights his belief in the boys' potential. This would create a stronger emotional resonance and connection between his thoughts and the unfolding events.
  • The scene ends abruptly after August's reflection, which may leave the audience wanting more context or a clearer connection to the subsequent scenes. A more gradual transition or a visual cue that links this moment to the next could enhance the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific moment of conflict or camaraderie among the boys that illustrates the themes of recklessness and tenderness, allowing the audience to see these traits in action rather than just hearing about them.
  • Incorporate visual elements that highlight the boys' physicality and emotional states, such as close-ups of their expressions or interactions that convey their innocence and impulsiveness.
  • Explore the implications of August's self-perception as a 'failed farmer' and 'two-bit schoolteacher' by showing how these feelings influence his interactions with the boys, perhaps through a moment of encouragement or disappointment.
  • To enhance the emotional weight of the scene, consider ending with a moment that foreshadows the consequences of the boys' behavior, linking their actions to the larger themes of the screenplay.
  • Ensure that the transition to the next scene is smooth by including a visual or auditory cue that connects the boys' chaotic energy to the ongoing narrative, maintaining the audience's engagement.



Scene 39 - Awkward Affection
63 INT. SALOME’S KITCHEN - MORNING 63

We are close on Aaron. He looks into the camera, staring
silently, inscrutable. Two smaller children play in the
background.

AUGUST (V.O.)
I believe that with direction, firm
love and patience these boys are
capable of relearning their roles
as males in the colony. I believe
in what the great poet Samuel
Taylor Coleridge thought were the
cardinal rules of early education.
“To work by love and so generate
love. To habituate the mind to
intellectual accuracy and truth. To
excite imaginative power.” He said
“Little is taught by contest or
dispute, everything by sympathy and
love.”

We now see Salome, sitting across the table from Aaron,
looking at him tenderly. She puts her hand on his cheek. He
moves away, embarrassed. He smiles at her awkwardly, then
gets up and leaves her there, the table shining clean in
front of her.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tender yet awkward morning scene set in Salome's kitchen, Aaron struggles with intimacy as Salome attempts to connect with him through a gentle touch. Despite her affection, Aaron feels embarrassed and withdraws, leaving Salome alone at the table. August's voiceover reflects on the importance of love and education in helping the boys relearn their roles in the colony, quoting Coleridge to emphasize the need for sympathy in teaching. The scene captures Aaron's internal conflict and emotional distance.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional depth
  • Nuanced character interactions
  • Exploration of forgiveness and love
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more complex
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into themes of forgiveness and love, with strong character interactions and emotional depth. The tender moments between Salome and Aaron add a layer of complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring forgiveness and relearning roles within the colony is compelling and adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on emotional growth and the decision to leave the oppressive situation, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to themes of emotional intimacy and vulnerability, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with nuanced emotions and interactions that drive the scene forward. Salome and Aaron's relationship is a highlight.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases emotional growth and reflection for the characters, particularly Salome and Aaron, as they navigate forgiveness and relearning roles.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain emotional distance and avoid intimacy with Salome. This reflects his deeper fear of vulnerability and emotional connection.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to leave the kitchen and avoid further interaction with Salome. This reflects the immediate challenge of his discomfort with emotional intimacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on forgiveness and relearning roles rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty about the protagonist's choices.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are more internal and emotional in this scene, focusing on the characters' relationships and emotional growth rather than external threats.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by exploring the characters' emotional journeys and the decision to leave the oppressive situation.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the protagonist's conflicting actions and emotions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between emotional connection and emotional distance. This challenges his beliefs about vulnerability and intimacy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly in the tender moments between Salome and Aaron, as well as the exploration of forgiveness and love.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the themes of love, forgiveness, and relearning roles, but could benefit from more depth and complexity in certain exchanges.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional tension and subtle character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and allows for moments of reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and descriptive elements.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of introspection and emotional complexity, particularly through Aaron's silent gaze and August's voiceover. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The emotional weight of August's self-deprecation could be better connected to Aaron's experience, enhancing the thematic continuity.
  • August's voiceover is rich with philosophical insights, but it may come across as overly didactic. While the quotes from Coleridge are poignant, they could be integrated more organically into the narrative rather than feeling like an exposition dump. This might help maintain the scene's emotional flow.
  • The visual contrast between Aaron's inscrutable expression and Salome's tender gesture is compelling, yet the scene could benefit from more dynamic interaction. Aaron's awkwardness is relatable, but it might be more impactful if Salome's response to his discomfort was more pronounced, showcasing her emotional investment and the tension in their relationship.
  • The ending, with Aaron leaving Salome alone at the table, is visually striking but could be enhanced by a more explicit emotional reaction from Salome. This would deepen the audience's understanding of her feelings and the implications of Aaron's departure, reinforcing the themes of connection and disconnection.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of physical interaction or dialogue between Salome and Aaron before he leaves. This could provide a clearer emotional context for their relationship and enhance the tension in the scene.
  • Integrate August's voiceover more seamlessly into the action. Perhaps have Salome reflect on his words or express her own thoughts about the boys, creating a dialogue that connects the philosophical ideas to the characters' lived experiences.
  • Explore the use of ambient sound or background activity to enrich the scene. The playful sounds of the smaller children could contrast with the serious themes being discussed, highlighting the innocence of childhood against the backdrop of the adult concerns.
  • Consider revising the final shot to include a lingering moment on Salome after Aaron leaves, perhaps showing her reaction or a moment of reflection. This could provide a more powerful emotional closure to the scene.



Scene 40 - Urgency in the Hayloft
64 INT. HAYLOFT - MAGIC HOUR 64

Neitje has drawn pictures of the boys next to August’s
writing. In some of the illustrations they do work, in some
they are violent, in some they study at school.

AUGUST
I believe those boys should be
allowed to leave with the women,
providing the women choose to
leave.

MARICHE
It was a yes or no question.You
shit like any other man, why don’t
you talk like one?
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 71.


Mejal laughs. Mariche catches herself, shakes her head and
smiles.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
Sorry.

SALOME
I won’t leave Aaron.

AGATA
I would like to make a proposal. We
must protect all of our children.
Not only our daughters. All boys
under the age of fifteen, and the
ones that require special care must
accompany the women.

SALOME
How do you mean must?

ONA
What if they refuse? If they don’t
want to leave?

MARICHE
We can’t carry teenagers on our
backs.

AGATA
We will try to influence our sons.
But we cannot force them, and they
may refuse, it is true.

NEITJE
But that would be very sad.

AGATA
Let’s talk about our sadness after
we have nailed down our plan.
August, you would stay here to
teach the boys who remain?

August nods. Ona looks at August. They share a long moment in
silence. Agata watches them watching each other.

NEITJE
What’s the point in trying to teach
them? Fifteen-year-old boys still
believe that throwing horse turds
at the girls while we do the
milking shows their love.

Autje laughs.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 72.


AUTJE
But a boy who truly loves you will
intentionally miss when he throws
the shit, or not throw it with
quite as much force.

Mejal and Salome shake their heads.

SALOME
My most hopeful dream for my four
year old girl is that one happy day
a boy will intentionally miss
hitting her with a clump of shit.

MEJAL
Yes. The day every mother dreams
of, the hope that gets us through
the darkest hours.

Autje glances out the east door. She suddenly gets up and
goes to it.

AUTJE
He’s here.

Mariche looks as though she will be sick.

MARICHE
Klaas.

The other women rush to the east door. They see, in the
distance, Klaas, leading two horses, walking away from them.

GRETA
He has Ruth and Cheryl!

They move to hide themselves away from the windows until he
is out of sight.

AGATA
Everyone, back to your houses. Go
collect your children, and pack up.
August, get the map. Greta and I
will pack the food supplies. If
anyone asks, we were quilting here.

Neitje and Autje are the first to scramble down the ladder.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 73.


AGATA (CONT'D)
Neitje and Autje! You must run now
to every house and tell the women,
we are leaving!

SALOME
Tell them to bring everything they
can. We will assemble outside the
washhouse!

Neitje and Autje stand at the bottom of the ladder, looking
paralyzed by the awesome responsibility.

SALOME (CONT'D)
And pin up your hair!

They begin putting up the braids they have left down since
having them tied together, and run off.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the hayloft during magic hour, a discussion unfolds among women about the role of boys in their potential departure, with differing opinions on whether they should accompany them. As tensions rise, Agata proposes a protective plan for all children. The mood shifts dramatically when Autje announces Klaas's arrival, revealing he has taken Ruth and Cheryl. The women quickly mobilize under Agata's leadership, gathering their children and supplies in a frantic effort to prepare for departure.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Effective dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some humor may detract from the seriousness of the situation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, emotion, reflection, urgency, and humor to create a compelling narrative. The decision-making process and character dynamics are well-developed, leading to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the women deciding to leave the colony to protect themselves from their abuser is compelling and drives the narrative forward. The scene effectively explores themes of unity, determination, and sacrifice.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial as it centers around the pivotal decision of the women to leave the colony. It advances the story significantly and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on gender dynamics and motherhood, with authentic dialogue and character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and concerns. Their interactions and conflicts add depth to the scene and contribute to the overall tension and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and decisions throughout the scene, particularly in their resolve to leave the colony. Their growth and unity contribute to the overall narrative arc.

Internal Goal: 8

August's internal goal is to protect and educate the boys who remain behind, reflecting his desire to ensure their well-being and future prospects.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evacuate the women and children to safety before Klaas arrives, reflecting the immediate danger and urgency they face.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, primarily driven by the imminent threat of the abuser returning and the women's internal struggles about leaving the colony. The tension and urgency are palpable, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by Klaas's arrival, adds a sense of danger and conflict, driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the imminent threat of the abuser returning and the women's decision to leave the colony to protect themselves and their children. The urgency and danger elevate the tension and impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the crucial decision to leave the colony and setting the stage for future developments. It propels the narrative towards a new direction and adds depth to the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and decisions, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the women's agency and autonomy in making decisions for their children, challenging traditional gender roles and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, fear, hope, determination, and unity. The characters' struggles and the high stakes of their decision resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the emotions and dynamics between the characters effectively. It conveys the urgency and complexity of the situation while also incorporating moments of humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and emotional stakes, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and urgency, keeping the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency of the women's situation, particularly with the introduction of Klaas, which raises the stakes significantly. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance individuality and emotional depth. For instance, Mariche's confrontational tone towards August feels somewhat generic and could be more nuanced to reflect her personal history and motivations.
  • The humor interspersed throughout the scene, particularly with the comments about boys throwing horse turds, provides a necessary levity amidst the tension. However, it risks undermining the gravity of the situation when Klaas is introduced. Balancing humor with the impending threat could be refined to maintain the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The transition from the discussion about the boys to the panic over Klaas's arrival is abrupt. While it effectively heightens the urgency, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Perhaps a moment of foreshadowing or a character's intuition about Klaas's presence could bridge these two elements more seamlessly.
  • The visual elements in the scene are strong, particularly the imagery of the women rushing to hide from Klaas. However, more descriptive language could enhance the setting and atmosphere, allowing readers to visualize the hayloft and the characters' actions more vividly. For example, describing the sounds of their hurried movements or the expressions on their faces could add depth.
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could delve deeper into the characters' internal conflicts. For instance, exploring Salome's feelings about leaving Aaron behind or Agata's fears about the boys could add layers to their motivations and decisions, making the audience more invested in their plight.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a more distinct voice in their dialogue to reflect their unique backgrounds and emotional states. This will help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Reassess the balance between humor and tension. While humor can provide relief, ensure it does not detract from the seriousness of the situation, especially when Klaas is introduced.
  • Introduce a smoother transition between the discussion about the boys and the panic over Klaas's arrival. This could involve a character sensing something is off or a subtle hint that Klaas is nearby.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting and characters' actions to create a more immersive experience for the reader. Focus on sensory details that convey the urgency and emotional weight of the moment.
  • Explore the internal conflicts of the characters more deeply, particularly regarding their fears and motivations about leaving the boys behind. This will add emotional depth and complexity to their decisions.



Scene 41 - Twilight Tensions
65 EXT. PORCH - TWILIGHT 65

A YOUNG WOMAN hangs out of a hammock, asleep on the porch
floor, her legs suspended by the hammock. Another, a MIDDLE
AGED WOMAN lies on the porch chair, also asleep. A TEENAGER
sleeps on the floor. Neitje and Autje kneel down beside them,
waking each of them up, gently, talking to them. They are
bleary eyed and don’t seem interested in what she has to say.

MEJAL (O.S.)
I am worried about the women who
have voted to do nothing. If Klaas,
or any other man has returned,
there is a high risk that these
women will inform them that we are
plotting.


66 INT. SEWING ROOM - TWILIGHT 66

Neitje and Autje approach Scarface Janz, who is sewing in the
corner, A GROUP OF WOMEN, including Anna and Helena, working
on various projects in chairs or tables in the room. The
other women nod as Neitje speaks to them. Scarface Janz
stares at her, shaking her head, almost imperceptibly. There
is an endless silence.
Blue Rev. (05/31/21) 74.


ONA (O.S.)
We must have faith that the Do
Nothing women will not inform on
us.

AUGUST (O.S.)
But some, like Scarface Janz,
believe that to fight or to leave
is a sin. What about her?

ONA (O.S.)
What about her, August?

Before Neitje has finished speaking, Scarface Janz goes back
to sewing, turning her back to Neitje. Neitje eyes her
nervously.

AUGUST (O.S.)
Do you have faith in her?

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary As twilight descends, Neitje and Autje attempt to rouse a group of sleeping women on a porch, but their efforts are met with indifference. Mejal expresses her fears about the 'Do Nothing' women potentially revealing their plans to men like Klaas. The scene shifts to a sewing room where Scarface Janz disapproves of Neitje's concerns, creating a tense atmosphere. Ona and August debate the faith in the 'Do Nothing' women, questioning Scarface Janz's beliefs about action and sin. The scene concludes with Scarface Janz turning away from Neitje, leaving unresolved tension among the women.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through the interactions and reactions of the characters. The dialogue is impactful, and the themes are thought-provoking, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, betrayal, and faith is central to the scene, driving the character interactions and conflicts. The exploration of these themes adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the internal conflicts and tensions within the group of women, laying the groundwork for future decisions and actions. The scene moves the story forward by introducing key dilemmas.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and explores themes of loyalty, betrayal, and resistance in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal struggles, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The scene hints at potential character changes, particularly in the context of loyalty and betrayal. The internal conflicts faced by the characters may lead to significant developments in their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complex dynamics within the community and maintain trust among the women involved in the plot.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the success of the plot and prevent any betrayal that could jeopardize their plans.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' conflicting beliefs and loyalties. The tension arises from the uncertainty of who can be trusted and the potential consequences of betrayal.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and potential betrayals creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with the possibility of betrayal and the consequences of inaction. The decisions they make will have significant implications for their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key dilemmas and conflicts that will shape the characters' decisions and actions in the future. It sets the stage for important developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the conflicting beliefs and potential betrayal among the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the beliefs of the 'Do Nothing' women who oppose taking action and the protagonist's group who are plotting. This challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs about resistance and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and tension to determination and contemplation. The characters' struggles and the weight of their decisions resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions, conflicts, and beliefs. It drives the scene forward, revealing the tensions and dynamics within the group of women.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its subtle tension, complex character dynamics, and the sense of mystery surrounding the plot.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains the audience's interest through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tension and uncertainty among the women regarding the potential betrayal by those who have chosen to do nothing. However, the dialogue feels somewhat disjointed and lacks a clear emotional arc. The characters' motivations and feelings could be more explicitly conveyed to enhance the stakes of the situation.
  • The use of voiceovers for Ona and August adds depth to the scene, but it may detract from the immediacy of the moment. Instead of relying heavily on voiceovers, consider integrating these thoughts into the dialogue or actions of the characters to create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Scarface Janz's reaction to Neitje is intriguing but could be developed further. Her almost imperceptible shaking of the head suggests disapproval, yet it lacks a strong emotional impact. Expanding on her internal conflict or providing a more pronounced reaction could heighten the tension and clarify her stance.
  • The transition between the porch and the sewing room feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two settings, perhaps through a shared visual or auditory cue.
  • The scene's pacing could be improved by varying the rhythm of the dialogue. Some lines feel rushed, while others linger too long. Balancing the pacing will help maintain tension and keep the audience invested in the characters' plight.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by deepening the characters' internal conflicts. For example, show Neitje's fear or desperation more vividly as she confronts Scarface Janz.
  • Integrate the voiceover thoughts into the dialogue or actions of the characters to create a more immersive experience. This will allow the audience to feel the tension in real-time rather than through narration.
  • Develop Scarface Janz's character further by providing more context for her beliefs. Perhaps include a flashback or a brief dialogue that reveals her past experiences and why she feels the way she does.
  • Create a smoother transition between the porch and sewing room by incorporating a shared element, such as a sound or a visual cue that links the two locations.
  • Adjust the pacing of the dialogue to create a more dynamic rhythm. Consider using pauses or interruptions to reflect the tension and urgency of the situation.



Scene 42 - Faith and Family in the Twilight
67 INT. HAYLOFT - TWILIGHT 67

We stay on Ona’s face for a long time, as she considers the
question.

ONA
I must have faith in all of us,
right now.

August nods. Greta, as she heads for the ladder, looks at
Mariche.

GRETA
Mariche. Be careful.

Mariche nods lightly. Greta holds Mariche’s head to her
shoulder. They all clatter down the ladder.

Agata is a bit out of breath.

ONA
Breathe, mother.

Agata looks at Ona beneath her and laughs. She kisses the top
of Ona’s head.

ONA (CONT'D)
Breathe and slow down. You always
hold your breath when you’re
exerting yourself.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 75.


Agata laughs again.

ONA (CONT'D)
Don’t laugh while you’re on the
ladder. Concentrate.

Agata calls out to the other women, below her and above her.

AGATA
We will have to get an early start
tomorrow morning. Let’s meet here
again at sunrise. All of us.

She goes down the ladder and leaves the barn quickly along
with the other women. August moves to the window and watches
them go across the North fields.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a serene hayloft at twilight, Ona emphasizes the importance of faith within their group while preparing to descend a ladder. Greta expresses concern for Mariche's safety, and Ona reassures her mother Agata to breathe and focus as they climb down. Agata suggests reconvening at sunrise for their plans. The women leave the barn together, showcasing their familial bond and support for one another, while August watches them from the window, reflecting on their connection.
Strengths
  • Strong character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Unity theme
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of unity and hope among the characters, setting the stage for upcoming challenges. The dialogue and interactions feel genuine and heartfelt, contributing to the emotional impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unity and support among the women is central to the scene, and it is effectively explored through the characters' dialogue and actions. The theme of facing challenges together is well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the women make plans to leave and face the challenges ahead. The decision to meet at sunrise adds tension and anticipation for the next steps in their journey.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to showcasing the characters' bonds and struggles in a rural setting. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their relationships are explored in depth. Each character's personality shines through in their interactions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the moment of unity and support could lead to personal growth and development for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ona's internal goal is to maintain faith and unity among the group in a challenging situation. This reflects her deeper need for connection and support.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to plan for the next day's activities and ensure everyone's safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their situation and the challenges they face in their environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is some tension and anticipation as the women prepare to leave, the scene is more focused on unity and support than on conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal conflicts and the challenges they face in planning for the future. There is a sense of uncertainty and difficulty in their situation.

High Stakes: 6

While the decision to leave and face the unknown presents some stakes, the focus of the scene is more on unity and support than on high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the women's decision to leave and face the challenges ahead. The decision to meet at sunrise adds momentum to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on unity and planning, but there is a sense of tension and anticipation for the upcoming events.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' focus on unity and faith, and the practical concerns of planning and safety. This challenges Ona's beliefs in the importance of trust and cooperation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, as the characters come together in a moment of unity and support. The themes of faith, family, and resilience evoke feelings of hope and love.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is meaningful and reflective of the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the themes of unity, faith, and resilience.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the intimate character moments, the sense of camaraderie, and the anticipation for the next day's activities.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation for the next day's activities. It flows smoothly and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It effectively sets up the next day's events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of intimacy and connection among the characters, particularly between Ona and Agata. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by incorporating more tension or urgency, especially given the context of their situation. The dialogue is gentle and supportive, which is appropriate, but it may benefit from a stronger sense of impending danger or conflict to reflect the gravity of their circumstances.
  • Ona's line about having faith in all of them is a powerful sentiment, but it could be enhanced by showing more of her internal struggle or doubt. This would add depth to her character and make her declaration of faith more impactful. Consider adding a moment where Ona reflects on the challenges they face, which would make her statement resonate more with the audience.
  • The physical actions in the scene, such as the women descending the ladder, are visually engaging but could be described with more sensory detail. For example, incorporating sounds, smells, or the feel of the barn could create a more immersive experience for the audience. Additionally, the clattering down the ladder could be used to symbolize their collective movement towards a decision or action, reinforcing the theme of unity.
  • The scene ends with August watching the women leave, which is a poignant moment. However, it might be more effective if August's emotional response is more explicitly conveyed. A brief internal monologue or a physical reaction could provide insight into his feelings about their departure and the uncertainty of their future.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or doubt from Ona before she expresses her faith, which would create a more dynamic emotional arc in the scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting and atmosphere, making the audience feel more connected to the characters' experiences.
  • Explore August's emotional state more deeply at the end of the scene, perhaps through a brief internal reflection or a physical gesture that conveys his concern or hope for the women.
  • Introduce a subtle sound or visual cue that hints at the impending danger they face, which would create a sense of urgency and tension in the scene.



Scene 43 - Twilight Tensions
68 EXT. FIELD - TWILIGHT 68

Mariche collects her many children from the field. She is
subdued in her movements, watching each one of them closely.
She looks across the field and sees Klaas, beckoning to her
from the doorway of their house. Her shoulders slump. Greta
approaches her.

GRETA
Don’t go. Stay with me tonight. Or
I will go with you.

MARICHE
If I don’t go home, it will draw
attention to all of us. I must
behave as though everything isn’t
about to change.

She gives Greta a small smile. Mariche heads towards the
house.

GRETA
Mariche.

MARICHE
Go home, Mother. I will see you at
sunrise.

Mariche smiles faintly back at Greta, and gives her a soft
kiss. She leads the children home with a sense of dread.
Greta watches her go, concerned.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 76.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary As twilight descends, Mariche collects her children from the field, burdened by a sense of dread. Her mother, Greta, urges her to stay for safety, but Mariche insists on returning home to maintain normalcy and avoid drawing attention to their precarious situation. After sharing a tender moment with Greta, she leads her children away, leaving her mother filled with worry.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and difficult decision Mariche faces, setting a somber tone that resonates with the audience. The dialogue and character interactions are poignant, drawing the viewer into the internal conflict of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sacrifice and duty in the face of adversity is effectively explored in the scene, highlighting the complexities of the characters' decisions and the emotional weight of their actions.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around Mariche's decision to return home despite the risks, adding depth to her character and advancing the overall narrative of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of impending change and family dynamics but approaches it with a fresh perspective, focusing on the internal struggles of the characters rather than external events. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Mariche's internal conflict and sense of duty portrayed convincingly. Greta's concern and support add layers to the scene, enhancing the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Mariche undergoes a significant internal change as she grapples with her decision to return home, showcasing her sense of duty and sacrifice. The scene highlights her growth and complexity as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

Mariche's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and protect her family from the impending changes. This reflects her deeper need for security and stability, as well as her fear of the unknown and the potential consequences of the changes.

External Goal: 7.5

Mariche's external goal is to return home and prepare for the changes that are coming. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenges she is facing in maintaining her family's safety and well-being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Mariche's struggle to balance her responsibilities and desires. The tension comes from her decision-making process and the consequences of her actions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Mariche must navigate conflicting desires and emotions while facing external challenges. The audience is left uncertain of how she will resolve these conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Mariche faces a difficult decision that could have significant consequences for herself and the group. The scene conveys the risks and sacrifices involved in her choice.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Mariche's character and setting the stage for future developments. It adds depth to the narrative and advances the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and the underlying tension in their interactions. The audience is left unsure of how Mariche will navigate the challenges she faces.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the need for honesty and the need for self-preservation. Mariche must balance the desire to protect her family with the temptation to confide in Greta and seek comfort in her presence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, concern, and empathy for Mariche and the difficult choices she must make. The sense of impending change and loss lingers with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding depth to their interactions and highlighting the internal struggles they face.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension between their internal conflicts, and the sense of impending change. The interactions between Mariche and Greta draw the audience in and create a sense of anticipation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative description enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is well-paced and contributes to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene, building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and impending change through Mariche's subdued demeanor and her interactions with Greta. The emotional weight of her decision is palpable, which adds depth to her character and the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue between Mariche and Greta is concise and impactful, showcasing their relationship dynamics. However, it could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Mariche's insistence on maintaining normalcy could be further emphasized through her internal thoughts or a brief flashback to happier times, contrasting with her current dread.
  • The visual imagery of twilight serves as a metaphor for the transition and uncertainty the characters face. However, the scene could be enriched by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the field or the atmosphere, to immerse the audience further in the moment.
  • Mariche's small smile and kiss to Greta are tender gestures that highlight their bond, but the scene might feel more impactful if it included a moment of hesitation or conflict in Mariche's decision, showcasing her internal struggle more vividly.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, but it could be enhanced by varying the rhythm of the dialogue. Adding pauses or interruptions could heighten the tension and reflect the weight of the situation more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Mariche to express her fears or hopes, which would provide insight into her character and deepen the emotional resonance of her decision.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the field, the feel of the twilight air, or the expressions on the children's faces to enhance the scene's emotional impact.
  • Explore the use of subtext in the dialogue. Allow Mariche and Greta to hint at their deeper fears or regrets without explicitly stating them, which can create a more layered conversation.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or conflict for Mariche before she leaves. This could be a physical action, like her pausing to look back at Greta, which would emphasize her emotional turmoil.
  • Consider varying the pacing of the dialogue to reflect the tension of the moment. Use pauses or interruptions to create a sense of urgency and weight in their conversation.



Scene 44 - Whispers of Uncertainty
69 EXT. COLONY PATH - TWILIGHT 69

Neitje and Autje walk along the paths, stopping to talk to
women as they go. They speak under their breaths to each one
they pass.

NEITJE
An hour after sunrise. We
congregate on the road by the wash
house.

A group of women nod. One dark-haired woman pushing a boy in
a wheelchair, responds.

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
Do we bring-

AUTJE
Everything. Bring everything.

CORNELIUS
Why?

They look scared.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Neitje and Autje walk a twilight path in a colony, quietly informing women about an important meeting at the wash house. They stress the need to bring everything, but tension rises when Cornelius questions this necessity, instilling fear among the women. The scene captures a sense of impending change and anxiety, leaving the women unsettled as they grapple with the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
Strengths
  • Building tension and urgency
  • Creating a sense of mystery and anticipation
  • Evoking strong emotional responses
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively creates a sense of tension and urgency through the secretive communication and the fearful reactions of the characters. The mysterious nature of the plan adds depth to the storyline and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secret plan being communicated discreetly among the women adds intrigue to the scene and sets up a significant development in the story. The idea of gathering everything and meeting at a specific time creates anticipation for what is to come.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as the characters prepare for a mysterious gathering, hinting at a major turning point in the story. The tension and urgency introduced here drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and societal structure, adding depth to the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the subtle hints at larger conflicts contribute to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the secretive plan and their expressions of fear and concern add depth to their personalities and motivations. The scene effectively showcases the different emotional responses of the characters, enhancing the overall impact.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional reactions and responses of the characters hint at potential growth and development in future events. The fear and urgency experienced by the characters may lead to transformative moments.

Internal Goal: 8

Neitje's internal goal is to maintain control and secrecy in the face of potential danger or scrutiny. This reflects her need for safety and protection in a potentially hostile environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to organize the women and ensure they bring everything to the gathering. This reflects the immediate challenge of coordinating a group under pressure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with fear, confusion, and the unknown implications of the secret plan. The tension and urgency hint at external conflicts to come, setting the stage for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, adding complexity to the characters' goals and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters prepare for a mysterious gathering that hints at significant consequences. The fear and urgency surrounding the plan raise the stakes and create a sense of impending danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a pivotal moment of preparation and anticipation. The gathering of everything and the secretive communication set the stage for a major plot development, driving the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' secretive behavior and the potential consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between safety and freedom. Neitje's need for secrecy clashes with the potential consequences of being discovered, challenging her beliefs about trust and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters' fear and concern are palpable. The sense of impending danger and the mysterious nature of the plan create a heightened emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and secrecy of the situation. The whispered conversations and brief exchanges between the characters effectively build tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, subtle conflicts, and cryptic dialogue that keeps the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' goals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the characters' goals and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension as Neitje and Autje communicate the importance of their meeting. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic. The exchanges feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more emotional weight or subtext to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The introduction of Cornelius raises an interesting conflict, but his question 'Why?' lacks depth. It would be more impactful if he expressed his fear or skepticism more vividly, perhaps by elaborating on what he fears they might be bringing or what he believes is at stake.
  • The visual elements of the scene are somewhat underutilized. While the setting is described as twilight, which can evoke a sense of foreboding, the scene could benefit from more descriptive imagery that captures the atmosphere. For example, describing the fading light or the sounds of the colony could enhance the mood.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed. Given the tension surrounding Klaas and the impending departure, the characters' interactions could be expanded to build suspense. Allowing for more pauses or reactions from the women could heighten the emotional stakes.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Cornelius's question, leaving the audience hanging. A more conclusive ending or a moment of shared understanding among the women could provide a stronger emotional closure and set the stage for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue. For instance, have Neitje and Autje express their fears or hopes about the meeting, which would make their urgency more relatable.
  • Enhance Cornelius's character by giving him a more detailed reaction to the situation. Perhaps he could voice a specific concern about the risks involved in bringing everything, which would add tension.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the twilight setting more fully, including sounds, smells, or visual cues that reflect the mood of the scene.
  • Slow down the pacing by including more reactions from the women as they process the information. This could involve brief exchanges or moments of hesitation that reflect their internal struggles.
  • End the scene with a moment of solidarity or resolve among the women, reinforcing their determination to act despite their fears. This could be a shared look, a nod, or a brief collective statement that emphasizes their unity.



Scene 45 - The Weight of Responsibility
69A EXT. COLONY PATH - MOMENTS LATER 69A

They pass another group of women with children.

AUTJE
We meet an hour after sunrise. On
this road. We need your buggy.

WOMAN
Thank you, sister.

They nod in solidarity. Autje nods back.


70 EXT. COLONY HOUSE - TWILIGHT 70

Neitje and Autje speak to Clara (20’s) in her doorway, her
children running around behind her.

NEITJE
An hour after sunrise we leave. We
meet behind the wash house.

AUTJE
And we need your buggies. Both of
them.

Clara catches her breath in her throat.
Buff Rev. (07/10/21) 76A.


CLARA
Tomorrow?

She looks behind her at her children, anxiously.

NEITJE
You will be there?

She nods, anxiously.

CLARA
I have so much to do.

She closes the door.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 77.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Autje and Neitje approach a group of women with children to discuss a meeting plan for the next morning, requesting the use of their buggies. They then visit Clara, who expresses anxiety about leaving her children and responsibilities. Despite confirming she will attend, Clara ultimately closes the door, leaving her commitment uncertain.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and tension among the characters as they grapple with the decision to leave. The dialogue and interactions are engaging, and the stakes are high, making it a compelling moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the women deciding to leave the colony adds depth to the story and raises important questions about loyalty, sacrifice, and survival. The scene effectively explores these themes through the characters' interactions and decisions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene as the women make a crucial decision to leave the colony. The conflict and stakes are heightened, setting the stage for future developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of community and solidarity, focusing on the challenges and conflicts that arise within a close-knit group. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed in this scene, with each woman showcasing their individual concerns, fears, and motivations. The interactions between the characters reveal their complex relationships and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience significant emotional shifts in this scene, particularly as they grapple with the decision to leave the colony. Their fears, doubts, and motivations are laid bare, leading to personal growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to rally support from the other women in the colony for a plan that requires their cooperation. This reflects her need for unity and solidarity in the face of challenges.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to organize a plan for a group activity that requires the use of buggies. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the situation and the logistical challenges they face.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the women facing internal and external challenges as they prepare to leave the colony. The tension and stakes are high, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Clara's concerns create obstacles for the protagonist's plans and challenge their beliefs about unity and cooperation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the women face the decision to leave the colony, risking their safety and security for a chance at freedom. The outcome of their choice will have far-reaching consequences, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by setting the stage for the women's departure from the colony. It introduces new conflicts and challenges, driving the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting priorities and emotions among the characters, creating tension and uncertainty about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for unity and cooperation and Clara's concern about her own responsibilities and priorities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of collective action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of anxiety, concern, and dread as the characters confront difficult decisions and uncertain futures. The tension and stakes are effectively conveyed, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reflective of the characters' emotions and conflicts. It effectively conveys the tension and uncertainty surrounding the women's decision to leave, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it focuses on the characters' relationships and conflicts, drawing the audience into their emotional struggles and dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the tension established in the previous scene, where fear and uncertainty are palpable among the women. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic. The exchanges feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more emotional weight or urgency to reflect the gravity of their situation.
  • Clara's character is introduced but lacks depth in this scene. While her anxiety is hinted at, it would be more impactful if her internal conflict was more explicitly conveyed through her dialogue or actions. This would help the audience connect with her plight and understand the stakes involved.
  • The visual elements of the scene are somewhat generic. While the twilight setting is appropriate for the mood, incorporating more specific visual cues that reflect the characters' emotions or the tension of the moment could enhance the scene's impact. For example, showing Clara's children playing innocently in contrast to her anxious demeanor could heighten the emotional stakes.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed. The transition from one interaction to another could be smoother, allowing for more buildup of tension. Consider adding pauses or reactions from the characters to give the audience time to absorb the weight of the situation.
  • The use of the word 'sister' in Autje's dialogue is a nice touch, emphasizing solidarity among the women. However, it could be expanded upon to show how this sense of community is both a source of strength and a burden, as they face the impending danger together.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth of Clara's character by including a line or two that reveals her internal struggle about leaving her children or the responsibilities she feels. This could be done through a brief flash of memory or a more explicit expression of her fears.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a physical action from Clara before she closes the door, such as glancing back at her children or taking a deep breath, to emphasize her conflict and the weight of her decision.
  • Incorporate more descriptive visuals that reflect the emotional tone of the scene. For example, describe the twilight lighting casting shadows that symbolize the uncertainty they face, or show the children's carefree play contrasting with the adults' serious conversation.
  • Slow down the pacing by allowing for more pauses in the dialogue. This could involve characters reacting to each other's words or taking a moment to process the gravity of their situation before moving on to the next line.
  • Explore the theme of sisterhood further by having Autje or Neitje express a personal stake in the plan, perhaps referencing a shared history or a specific reason why they need Clara's help. This would deepen the connection between the characters and heighten the stakes.



Scene 46 - Twilight Tensions
71 INT. SALOME'S KITCHEN - TWILIGHT 71

Salome has just finished speaking with Aaron about the plan.
Miep sits in her arms. Two of Salome’s other children (8, 10)
do chores and play in the background.) Aaron looks stunned.
Ona pats Aaron’s hand. He pulls it away.

SALOME
So. We will need your help. The
horses need to be brushed. Saddled.

Aaron nods, looking away.

MIEP
Mama. I’m hurting.

Salome looks down at Miep, covered in sweat. Salome speaks
quietly to Ona.

SALOME
The pills aren’t working. I think
they are for calves, not people.

ONA
But she is small. They’ll work.

SALOME
She is small. But she’s not a calf.

They focus on Miep, while Aaron gets up and leaves the table.
He stares out the window, furious.


72 OMITTED 72


73 OMITTED 73
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 78.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Salome's kitchen during twilight, a tense discussion unfolds about Miep's health as Salome realizes the pills meant to alleviate her pain are actually for calves. Aaron, initially engaged, becomes overwhelmed and frustrated, ultimately leaving the table in anger. Meanwhile, Miep's suffering highlights the family's dire situation, leaving Salome and Ona in a somber conversation about the inadequacy of the medication. The scene captures the emotional turmoil and uncertainty surrounding Miep's condition.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and tension within the family, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and impactful, creating a sense of unease and concern.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family struggles and the emotional turmoil that comes with it is well-executed in this scene. The focus on the health of a child and the reactions of the family members adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the family dynamics and the challenges they face, particularly concerning the health of the child. It moves the story forward by highlighting the emotional stakes and conflicts within the family.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of family dynamics, healthcare challenges, and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to a fresh portrayal of domestic life.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The audience can empathize with their struggles and feel invested in their journey.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional turmoil and challenges faced by the characters contribute to their development and growth over the course of the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to care for her sick child, Miep, and to navigate the challenges of ineffective medication. This reflects Salome's deeper need to protect and nurture her family, as well as her fear of not being able to provide proper care for her child.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to enlist Aaron's help with caring for the horses. This reflects the immediate circumstances of needing assistance with chores and responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and concerns for the well-being of their family members. The tension arises from their conflicting emotions and the challenges they face.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and actions. The uncertainty surrounding Miep's health adds a layer of complexity to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the health of the child and the emotional well-being of the family. The characters' decisions and actions have significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the emotional stakes and conflicts within the family. It sets the stage for further developments and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional dynamics between the characters and the uncertainty of Miep's health condition. The audience is kept on edge by the unfolding conflicts and challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between traditional remedies and modern medicine. Salome questions the effectiveness of the pills for her child, highlighting a clash between different belief systems regarding healthcare.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of anxiety, worry, and empathy from the audience. The struggles of the characters resonate on a deep emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and concern among the characters, adding depth to their interactions and emotions. It enhances the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and relatable family dynamics. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and character interactions, effectively conveying the emotional tension and conflicts present.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and desperation through the dialogue about Miep's medication, which raises the stakes for the characters involved. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by providing more context about Miep's condition and the implications of using the wrong medication. This would deepen the audience's investment in her well-being.
  • Aaron's reaction to the conversation is pivotal, but his emotional transition from stunned to furious feels abrupt. More internal conflict or a brief moment of reflection could help the audience understand his feelings better, making his exit more impactful.
  • The dialogue between Salome and Ona is functional but lacks a certain depth. While it conveys the necessary information, it could benefit from more subtext or emotional resonance. For instance, incorporating a moment where Salome expresses her fears or frustrations about Miep's condition could add layers to her character.
  • The setting of Salome's kitchen is a familiar and intimate space, which contrasts with the heavy subject matter. However, the scene could use more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the sounds of the children playing or the smells of the kitchen could create a richer backdrop for the emotional turmoil unfolding.
  • The scene's pacing feels slightly rushed, particularly with Aaron's abrupt departure. Allowing for a moment of silence or a lingering shot on Miep could heighten the tension and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at Miep's previous health issues or the family's struggles, which would provide context for the urgency of the situation.
  • Expand on Aaron's emotional journey by including a line or two that reflects his internal conflict about the plan and his feelings towards Miep's suffering. This could make his exit more poignant.
  • Infuse the dialogue with more emotional depth by allowing Salome to express her fears about Miep's health or her frustration with the situation, which would create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the kitchen setting to create a more immersive experience. Describing the sounds, smells, and sights could help ground the audience in the scene.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or a lingering shot on Miep after Salome's realization about the pills. This could create a more dramatic pause and emphasize the gravity of the situation before transitioning to the next scene.



Scene 47 - Tension in the Night
74 EXT. MARICHE’S HOUSE - NIGHT 74

Autje and Neitje lead Ruth and Cheryl away from Mariche’s
house, looking nervously behind them.

A light turns on in Mariche’s house. Neitje and Autje freeze.
The light turns off again. Autje and Neitje continue leading
the horses away.


75 OMITTED 75


76 INT GRETA’S HOUSE- NIGHT 76

Agata, Greta and Mejal quickly load up barrels with cheese,
sausage, bread, flour, eggs and water.


76B INT. SALOME'S HOUSE - MIEP’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 76B

Salome tucks Miep into bed.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Autje and Neitje anxiously lead Ruth and Cheryl away from Mariche's house at night, pausing when a light turns on but continuing when it goes off. Meanwhile, Agata, Greta, and Mejal urgently load food supplies, highlighting a sense of impending danger. In contrast, Salome tenderly tucks Miep into bed, providing a moment of calm amidst the surrounding tension.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of tension and urgency
  • Strong character reactions and motivations
  • Clear setup of conflict and stakes
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and fear through the characters' actions and the nighttime setting, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of nighttime preparations and tension is effectively portrayed, setting up the conflict and stakes for the characters as they navigate a dangerous situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters' preparations and the sense of danger they are facing, moving the story forward and building suspense for the audience.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a rural village but adds a fresh approach by focusing on the characters' actions and decisions in a time of crisis. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene effectively convey their fear and concern, adding depth to their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the characters' actions and reactions reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect themselves and their loved ones from potential danger. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather supplies for a journey or escape. This reflects the immediate circumstances of potential danger or uncertainty they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is driven by the characters' need to protect themselves and others from danger, creating a sense of tension and urgency.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that add to the suspense and uncertainty of their situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including the danger the characters face and the need to protect themselves and others, create a sense of urgency and tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the conflict and stakes for the characters, leading to the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions and decisions are driven by the uncertain circumstances they are facing, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire for survival and their moral values. The characters must make decisions that challenge their beliefs and values in order to protect themselves and their community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and concern in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the characters' urgency and fear, adding to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and danger, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise narrative description.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense through the characters' actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the actions of Autje and Neitje as they lead the horses away from Mariche's house. The nervous glances and the momentary freeze when the light turns on create a palpable sense of fear and urgency, which is crucial given the context of their situation.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth. While the actions are clear, the internal thoughts and feelings of Autje and Neitje are not explored. Adding a brief internal monologue or dialogue that reflects their fears or motivations could enhance the audience's connection to the characters.
  • The transition to the next scene in Greta's house feels abrupt. While it serves to show the urgency of the situation, it might be more effective to linger a moment longer on Autje and Neitje's reactions after the light turns off. This could heighten the suspense before shifting to the next location.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the use of light and darkness to symbolize danger and secrecy. However, the scene could be enriched by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the night or the physical sensations of the characters (e.g., the chill in the air, the weight of the barrels they are loading). This would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The introduction of Salome tucking Miep into bed is a nice touch, providing a contrast to the tension of the previous moment. However, it feels somewhat disconnected from the urgency of the preceding scene. A stronger link between the two scenes could be established by showing how Miep's well-being is tied to the actions of Autje and Neitje, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a shared concern.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal thoughts or dialogue for Autje and Neitje to convey their emotional state and motivations more clearly, enhancing audience empathy.
  • Extend the moment of tension after the light turns on, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the situation before transitioning to the next scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere, such as sounds of the night or physical sensations experienced by the characters.
  • Strengthen the connection between the scenes by including a line of dialogue or a visual cue that ties Miep's well-being to the actions of Autje and Neitje, emphasizing the stakes involved.
  • Consider using a visual motif, such as the flickering light, to symbolize the uncertainty and danger that the characters face, reinforcing the theme of fear and urgency.



Scene 48 - Navigating Hope
77 EXT. WASHHOUSE - NIGHT 77

The moon is bright. Ona sits on the roof of the washhouse.
August walks by.

ONA
Psst! August!

He looks up. She laughs.

ONA (CONT'D)
Come. Sit with me.

August climbs up and joins her. He reaches into his satchel.

August nods.

AUGUST
Here is the map.

Ona unrolls it and stares at it, mesmerized.

ONA
Where are we?
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 79.


August points.

AUGUST
Here.

Ona stares at the spot on the map, puts her finger on it, and
smiles.

ONA
Here. This is where we are.

She stares at it, in awe.

AUGUST
I’ve created a legend.

Ona looks up at him, questioningly.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
For the map. I’ve drawn asterisks
on the map that coincide with
pictures in the legend.

ONA
What do the pictures show?

AUGUST
Rivers, roads, towns and cities and
borders, train tracks. See?

Ona nods her head. He points to the compass printed on the
map.


AUGUST (CONT'D)
This is north... south... east...
and west.

ONA
But the map moves. How do we know
which direction the map should be
facing?

AUGUST
Celestial navigation. Let me show
you.

She rolls up the map. August points to a constellation of
bright stars.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Do you know of the Southern Cross?

Ona nods.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
You... and the women, can use the
Southern Cross for navigation. If
you clench your right fist like
this-

He takes her hand and shapes it into a fist. He holds it up
against the stars. Her arm is rigid, fist clenched, like a
freedom fighter.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Now align your first knuckle with
the axis of the Cross.

He holds her hand, her wrist.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Now. The tip of your thumb, here,
will indicate south.

Ona smiles, nodding, clapping her hands.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Will you show the others?

Ona nods.

ONA
We will have a lesson in
navigation.

AUGUST
Ona.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 81.


Ona looks at him, smiling.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Did you already know about this
little trick?

Ona laughs.

ONA
Of course. Of course I did.

August smiles, sheepishly.

AUGUST
I wish there was something I could
tell you that you didn’t already
know.

Ona smiles. They continue to look up at the stars. She
watches him for a while, tenderly.

ONA
What will become of you when we
leave?

August is silent.

ONA (CONT'D)
I hope... I hope that you can help
the boys. I hope that you can help
them to be truthful. And to listen.
Like you do.

She holds his hand for a long moment.


78 EXT. BARN - PRE-DAWN 78

August watches from the window as he sees the silhouette of
Ona teaching the other women how to find the Southern Cross
with her hands. He watches them, silently guiding each others
hands into position, the beginning of the light coming up
over the horizon behind them.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On a moonlit night, Ona invites August to the roof of the washhouse, where he shares a map he created and teaches her celestial navigation using the Southern Cross. Their connection deepens as Ona expresses her hopes for August's future and his potential to guide others. The scene concludes with August observing Ona as she empowers other women with the navigation skills he imparted, symbolizing the passing of knowledge and hope.
Strengths
  • Intimate character interaction
  • Innovative concept of celestial navigation
  • Emotional depth and resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action or suspense

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong focus on character development, thematic elements, and a sense of optimism for the characters' future. The interaction between Ona and August is engaging and provides valuable insight into their relationship and the skills they are developing.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using celestial navigation as a metaphor for finding direction in life is innovative and adds a layer of depth to the scene. The scene effectively conveys the importance of learning new skills and finding hope in challenging circumstances.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' discussion of navigation and their future plans, moving the story forward while also providing valuable character development. The scene sets up important themes and conflicts for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of navigation and mentorship, blending elements of adventure, education, and emotional connection. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ona and August are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their intelligence, resourcefulness, and emotional depth. Their interaction reveals their bond and sets the stage for future growth and challenges.

Character Changes: 8

Both Ona and August experience growth and learning in the scene, particularly in their understanding of navigation and their future plans. The scene sets the stage for further development and challenges for the characters.

Internal Goal: 9

Ona's internal goal in this scene is to connect with August on a deeper level and express her appreciation for his guidance and wisdom. This reflects her need for support, understanding, and a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 8

Ona's external goal in this scene is to learn about celestial navigation and share this knowledge with others. This reflects her immediate challenge of teaching and guiding the women in the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a sense of tension and uncertainty in the scene, the conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles and growth rather than external threats.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the form of Ona's internal struggles and the challenges she faces in learning and teaching navigation. The audience is left wondering about the future obstacles and conflicts that may arise.

High Stakes: 6

While there is a sense of urgency and uncertainty in the scene, the stakes are more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' growth and future plans rather than immediate danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing important themes, conflicts, and character development. It sets up future events and challenges for the characters, driving the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth and vulnerability displayed by the characters. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting dynamics and revelations in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of knowledge, guidance, and truth. August's role as a mentor and teacher challenges Ona's beliefs and values, pushing her to question her own understanding of navigation and leadership.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, inspiration, and nostalgia. The intimate interaction between Ona and August resonates with the audience and adds depth to the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and informative, providing valuable insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings. The conversation between Ona and August is well-crafted and adds depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intimate character interactions, the sense of discovery and learning, and the emotional depth of the dialogue. The audience is drawn into the relationship between Ona and August and the themes of knowledge and guidance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and connection between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end, focusing on the interaction between Ona and August. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of intimacy and connection between Ona and August, showcasing their relationship and the importance of knowledge in their journey. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. While the scene is visually engaging, the dialogue sometimes feels expository, particularly when August explains the map and celestial navigation. This could be streamlined to maintain the flow and keep the audience engaged.
  • The use of celestial navigation as a metaphor for guidance and direction is a strong thematic element, but it could be further emphasized through visual storytelling. For instance, incorporating more visual cues of the stars and their significance could enhance the scene's emotional weight and connection to the characters' journey.
  • Ona's character is portrayed as knowledgeable and confident, but her initial awe at the map could be expanded to reflect her internal struggles or hopes for the future. This would create a more layered character and allow the audience to connect with her on a deeper level.
  • The transition from the intimate moment on the roof to the broader context of the women learning navigation could be more seamless. The scene ends with August watching Ona teach, which is a nice visual, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional resonance or a line that ties back to their earlier conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue, allowing the characters to convey their feelings and thoughts without explicitly stating them. This can create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Incorporate visual elements that highlight the stars and their significance, perhaps through close-ups or a wider shot that captures the night sky, enhancing the thematic connection to navigation and guidance.
  • Explore Ona's internal conflict or hopes more deeply in her dialogue, allowing her character to resonate more with the audience and adding depth to her relationship with August.
  • Strengthen the transition to the next scene by including a line or action that connects Ona's teaching moment back to her earlier conversation with August, reinforcing the emotional stakes and continuity.



Scene 49 - A Circle of Strength
79 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY MORNING 79

August pins Neitje’s drawings to the wall around the butcher
paper lists. The Women start to emerge into the loft. Greta
paces, periodically going to the window to peer into the
dark. Her balance does not appear to be very good. Mejal
watches her.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 82.


SALOME
Where are Mariche and Autje?

GRETA
They will be here. I pray they will
be here.

Greta paces more.

MEJAL
(to Greta)
Concentrate on lifting your feet
higher when you take steps. Don’t
shuffle. You’ll trip again.

GRETA
I am very tired. My body is heavy.

Agata puts her feet into Ona’s lap and Ona rubs them. Ona
quietly sings “On the Old Rugged Cross.” Agata sings every
word or two, although she seems to be fighting for breath.
August watches Ona, and she watches him watching her. Salome
is braiding Neitje’s hair and tugging tightly.

NEITJE
Please. Please. Be gentle. You are
blinding me.

ONA
August. Did you dream last night?

August looks at her.

AUGUST
Yes.

Ona sings for a while. They stare at each other.

Mariche climbs the ladder to the loft. Autje is behind her,
helping her. Mariche’s face is bruised and cut and her arm is
in a sling fashioned from a feed bag. Autje has a bruise on
her cheek in the shape of four fingers and a thumb. Greta
rushes to Mariche, takes her in her arms. The rest of the
women are silent, having seen this before. Some look down.

Mariche and Autje sit down on a haybale. Mejal is shaking
with rage. She holds Autje tightly.

GRETA
Is he gone?

AUTJE
He’s sleeping. Dead to the world.
He was very drunk.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 82A.


The women stare at Autje, taking this in. Neitje goes to sit
beside Autje. She synchronizes her breathing with Autje’s.
They look ahead together. They are silent.

GRETA
(to Mariche)
Tell me what happened.

Mariche shakes her head.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 83.


AUTJE
Father caught me sneaking back into
the house, late and then he went to
the barn and found we had taken the
horses.

SALOME
Did you tell him what we were
planning?

Mariche nods. Salome puts her head in her hands.

AUTJE
She did. But it was because he
wouldn’t stop hitting me and she
was trying to distract him.

MARICHE
Yes. But I also told him because I
suddenly felt very...

The women take this in.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
I don’t think he believed me. And
if he did, I don’t think he’ll
remember. He’ll be passed out in
the barn all morning I’m sure.

She turns to Autje and Neitje.

AGATA
So. Yesterday was a day for
talking. Today is a day for action.
When Klaas wakes up he may go to
the city to alert the other men. We
have decided to leave before that
happens. Is that accurate?

The Women nod.

AGATA (CONT'D)
We have ruled out the option of
staying because-

MARICHE
I thought today was a day of
action, not talk.

The other women laugh watch Mariche closely, and are silent,
giving her space with her ravaged face this morning. We can
hear animals, lowing in the distance. There is a hint of
light in the sky.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 84.


MARICHE (CONT'D)
We have decided that we want...
that we are entitled to three
things.

GRETA
What are they?

Mariche looks on the wall at August’s notes and Neitje’s
drawings. She stares at a drawing Neitje has made of
children, playing.

MARICHE
We want our children to be safe.

Mariche has begun to cry softly, and is finding it difficult
to speak. She looks up at a drawing on the wall of a woman
kneeling in prayer.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
We want to be steadfast in our
faith.

She looks up at a drawing of a woman looking off, a book in
her lap.

MARICHE (CONT'D)
We want to think.

GRETA
Yes.

Mariche looks down, trying to stop the tears so that she can
continue speaking.

Agata claps her hands and holds them together in midair.

AGATA
Praise God.

Greta raises her arms above her head like a football
official. The older women look jubilant. Salome and Mejal
smile.


SALOME
Yes, that’s it.

MEJAL
Precisely.

SALOME
Well it’s not precisely put. But it
sounds perfect to me. A perfect
beginning.

MEJAL
Salome, will you use your last
breath on earth to correct me?

SALOME
Yes, if that is what is needed.

MEJAL
What if we feel guilt? What if it
overwhelms us?

AGATA
We will feel pain and we will feel
uncertainty and we will feel
sadness, but not guilt.

MARICHE
We may feel guilty but we will know
we are not guilty.

MEJAL
We may feel homicidal, but we will
know we are not killers.

ONA
We may feel vengeful, but we will
know we are not raccoons.

The other women laugh.

SALOME
We may feel lost, but we will know
we are not losers.

MEJAL
Speak for yourself.

SALOME
I always do. You should try it too.

Neitje places her hand gently on Autje’s cheek, over the
bruise.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 86.


AGATA
We may feel guilt and we may feel
sadness. But we will endure it.
We’re embarking on a journey. We
are making a change that we have
interpreted as being a testament to
our faith and to our instincts as
mothers. We must believe in it.

GRETA
We don’t know everything that will
happen. But we’ve made our plan.
And, yes, we must believe in it.

Agata holds Salome’s hand, who takes Neitje’s hand, who takes
Ona’s hand, who takes Mejal’s hand, who takes Neitje’s hand
who takes Autje’s hand who takes Mariche’s hand who takes
Greta’s hand who takes Mejal’s. Ona walks to August. She
takes August’s hand and leads him with her into the circle of
women. He stares at their hands, holding each other. Greta
begins to sing “Nearer, My God, to Thee.” Everyone joins in.
August cries.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the early morning, the women gather in a hayloft, expressing concern for Mariche and Autje, who arrive injured after a confrontation with their drunken father, Klaas. As they discuss their fears and aspirations for safety, faith, and autonomy, a sense of solidarity emerges. Ona provides comfort through song, while the group shares moments of vulnerability and humor. Ultimately, they unite in a powerful circle, holding hands and singing 'Nearer, My God, to Thee,' with August moved to tears, symbolizing their collective strength and resolve to protect their children.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic exploration
  • Strong performances
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' reactions could be further explored
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful in its emotional depth, character development, and thematic exploration. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and external challenges faced by the women, creating a poignant and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of women coming together to make a life-changing decision is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of faith, motherhood, and empowerment, resonating with the audience on an emotional level.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the story, as it marks a significant turning point for the characters. The decision to leave sets the stage for future conflicts and developments, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of abuse, survival, and female solidarity, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the setting and time period.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs are compelling. The scene allows each character to shine, showcasing their strengths, vulnerabilities, and relationships with one another.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, particularly Mariche and Autje, as they confront their fears and make a bold decision to leave. The scene marks a turning point in their character arcs, setting the stage for future growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

Greta's internal goal is to protect her children and find strength in her faith. This reflects her deeper need for safety and stability, as well as her desire to assert agency in the face of abuse.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to plan and execute their escape from their abuser before he wakes up. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need for survival and freedom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their fears, doubts, and past traumas. The decision to leave represents a significant external conflict that drives the characters to confront their inner struggles.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the women facing internal and external challenges that test their resolve and unity.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face the risk of leaving behind their oppressive situation and embarking on an uncertain journey. The decision to leave carries significant consequences and challenges, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a major decision that will have lasting consequences for the characters and the narrative. It sets the stage for future conflicts, developments, and character growth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' actions and decisions, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of their escape plan.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the women's sense of guilt and their belief in their own innocence. It challenges their values of faith, motherhood, and justice, as they grapple with the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of hope, empathy, and solidarity. The characters' emotional journeys and the weight of their decision to leave create a poignant and memorable moment for the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant, reflective, and emotionally resonant. It effectively conveys the inner thoughts and struggles of the characters, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the audience's connection to the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and the high stakes of the characters' situation. The tension and solidarity among the women draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with a balance of dialogue, action, and reflection that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and thematic development, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the women's experiences, particularly through Mariche's injuries and the tension surrounding Klaas's potential actions. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, instead of directly stating their fears and plans, the characters could express their feelings through more nuanced interactions, allowing the audience to infer the gravity of the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. While the initial moments of Greta's pacing and Mejal's advice create a sense of urgency, the transition to the more reflective dialogue about their goals could be smoother. Consider interspersing moments of action or tension throughout the dialogue to maintain a consistent emotional rhythm.
  • The use of humor, particularly in the exchanges between Salome and Mejal, provides a necessary levity amidst the tension. However, it may come off as jarring if not balanced carefully. Ensure that the humor serves to deepen the characters' relationships rather than distract from the gravity of their situation.
  • The visual elements, such as the drawings on the wall and the physical injuries of Mariche and Autje, are powerful symbols of their struggles. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' physical states. This would help the audience feel more immersed in the scene.
  • The emotional climax of the scene, where the women affirm their goals and hold hands, is impactful. However, the transition into the singing could be more gradual. Consider building up to this moment with a crescendo of emotions, allowing the audience to feel the weight of their decision before they break into song.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to allow characters to express their fears and hopes indirectly, enhancing the emotional depth.
  • Smooth out the pacing by interspersing moments of tension or action throughout the dialogue, maintaining a consistent emotional rhythm.
  • Ensure that humor is balanced with the scene's gravity, using it to deepen relationships rather than distract from the main conflict.
  • Add more descriptive language to vividly portray the setting and characters' physical states, enhancing audience immersion.
  • Build up to the singing moment with a gradual emotional crescendo, allowing the audience to fully absorb the weight of the women's decision before they unite in song.



Scene 50 - The Distant Hymn
80 EXT. COLONY ROAD - EARLY MORNING 80

A GROUP OF WOMEN pulling their children along down a road,
hear the faint singing in the distance. They stop and look in
the direction it is coming from.


81 EXT. SCARFACE JANZ’ HOUSE - EARLY MORNING 81

Scarface Janz and her daughters stare at the Barn in the
distance, hearing the hymn. Anna, holding Helena’s hand,
makes a move to run towards the music of the barn. Scarface
Janz grabs her arm. Anna breathes heavily, in a panic.
Scarface Janz grabs her face with her free hand, and looks
deeply into her eyes, holding her there. Anna holds her
daughter’s hand, tightly, Helena’s face pointed towards the
direction the music is coming from.


82 EXT. FIELD - EARLY MORNING 82

Nettie/Melvin plays with the children in the field. He
motions to them “sssshhh.” They all stop and listen, looking
into the distance where the sound is coming from. Some of the
children, including Julius, sing. We stay on the faces of the
young children, listening to the singing, and singing lightly
along. Some of them keep playing, oblivious.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 87.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the early morning, a group of women with children pauses to listen to a faint hymn emanating from a barn. Scarface Janz restrains her anxious daughter Anna, who feels a strong pull towards the music, conveying a mix of urgency and panic. Meanwhile, Nettie and Melvin play with children in a nearby field, some of whom join in the singing while others remain unaware. The scene captures the tension between Anna's longing and her mother's protective instincts, set against the innocence of the children, as the unresolved conflict lingers in the air.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Solid pacing
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in character interactions
  • Minor inconsistencies in tone

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets up a high-stakes situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates. The tension and urgency are palpable, and the moments of tenderness add depth to the characters and their relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the women's decision to leave their oppressive situation, highlighting themes of courage, solidarity, and sacrifice. The scene effectively explores the complexities of their choices and the challenges they face.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the story as the women make a pivotal decision to escape, setting up the climax of the narrative. The conflict and stakes are heightened, driving the characters towards action and resolution.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique dynamic between characters, exploring themes of control and freedom in a rural setting with a strong cultural influence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations, fears, and relationships that drive their actions in the scene. The interactions between the characters reveal their strengths, vulnerabilities, and growth.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, as they confront their fears, make difficult decisions, and show resilience in the face of adversity. The experiences they go through shape their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Anna's internal goal is to connect with the music and the emotions it evokes, possibly reflecting her desire for freedom or emotional release.

External Goal: 7

Anna's external goal is to resist Scarface Janz's control and run towards the music, symbolizing her desire for independence and self-expression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the women facing imminent danger and making a life-changing decision to leave their oppressive situation. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the characters towards action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Scarface Janz's control over Anna creating a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the women facing the threat of their abuser, Klaas, and making a risky decision to escape. The safety of their children, their faith, and their freedom are on the line, adding urgency and tension to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the women decide to leave their oppressive situation, setting the stage for the climax and resolution of the narrative. The stakes are raised, and the characters are propelled towards action.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting desires and the tension between control and freedom, keeping the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between control and freedom, as represented by Scarface Janz's authority over Anna and Anna's desire to break free and follow her own path.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, concern, tenderness, and solidarity among the characters and the audience. The moments of tension and reflection resonate with the viewers, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships, adding depth to the scene. The conversations feel authentic and reveal important aspects of the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts and character dynamics, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and desires.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of tension and emotional resonance as the women hear the distant hymn. This moment serves as a powerful contrast to the previous scene's somber atmosphere, creating a sense of hope and connection. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by providing more context about the significance of the hymn to the characters. Why does it evoke such a strong reaction? What memories or feelings does it stir in them?
  • Scarface Janz's interaction with Anna is compelling, showcasing a protective maternal instinct. However, the dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of just grabbing Anna's arm, consider adding a line that conveys Scarface Janz's fear or urgency, which would deepen the emotional weight of the moment. This would also help the audience understand the stakes involved in Anna's desire to run towards the music.
  • The transition between the women hearing the hymn and Nettie/Melvin playing with the children feels somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Perhaps a brief moment where the women share a glance or a word of concern before the focus shifts to Nettie/Melvin would create a more cohesive narrative.
  • The scene's visual elements are strong, particularly the focus on the children's faces as they listen to the singing. However, consider incorporating more sensory details to enrich the atmosphere. Describing the early morning light, the sounds of nature, or the emotions on the women's faces could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The scene ends with a sense of ambiguity regarding the children's reactions to the hymn. While some sing along, others remain oblivious. This contrast is interesting but could be further explored. Perhaps a line of dialogue or a brief internal thought from Nettie/Melvin could clarify his feelings about the hymn and its implications for their situation.
Suggestions
  • Add a line of dialogue or internal monologue for Scarface Janz that expresses her fear or urgency regarding Anna's desire to run towards the music.
  • Include a brief moment of shared concern or connection among the women before transitioning to Nettie/Melvin, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the atmosphere, such as descriptions of the morning light, sounds of nature, or the emotional expressions of the characters.
  • Consider expanding on the significance of the hymn for the characters, perhaps through a flashback or a brief conversation that highlights its emotional weight.
  • Clarify Nettie/Melvin's feelings about the hymn and its implications for their situation through a line of dialogue or internal thought.



Scene 51 - Tender Moments in the Hayloft
83 INT. HAYLOFT - EARLY MORNING 83

When they are finished singing, August raises his hand. Ona
smiles at him.

AGATA
You can speak whenever you want,
August, and you don’t have to raise
your hand. You’re the teacher!

She laughs. The others stare at him. Tears are rolling down
his cheeks. Autje and Neitje look mortified by his crying.

AUGUST
It’s alright. It wasn’t important.

AGATA
There is work to do. We must stop
talking and prepare to leave.

The Women’s expressions are stern, grim, desolate, and tight
with tension, but they nod in agreement.

There is suddenly the sound of someone climbing the ladder.
The Women hold their breaths. An OLD MAN, EARNEST PENNER
appears. He can barely walk. He is suffering from dementia.
Ona rushes to help him up the last few rungs.

ONA
Uncle Penner!

AGATA
Earnest!

He looks around at The Women, trying to get his bearings.

EARNEST
What are you doing here in my loft?
Are you angels? Are you lost? Will
you help me with my bath?

He is gasping for air, but also laughing in fits and starts.
Ona helps him to sit down on a hay bale.

EARNEST (CONT'D)
What are you bitches plotting?

Agata gets up and walks to Earnest and sits next to him on
the bale.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 88.


AGATA
Oh, Earnest. My sweet cousin. We’re
getting old, aren’t we?

Earnest puts his head on her shoulder and she smooths his
wild, white hair.

EARNEST
Are you devils?

AGATA
No. We’re your friends.

EARNEST
Are you plotting to burn down my
barn?

AGATA
No, Ernie. There’s no plot. We’re
only women talking.

Ona goes to sit beside Earnest. She leans her head on his
shoulder. Silence. Earnest seems to ponder this. So do The
Women.

EARNEST
Will you help me with my bath?

Mejal moves towards Earnest, her hands outstretched.

MEJAL
Why don’t I take you back to your
house and give you a washing. I’ll
give you a bath and get you
something to eat.

AGATA
Will you make sure the water you
use to wash Earnest is warm, but
not hot, not scalding?

AGATA (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Be quick.

Mejal nods. She leads him slowly down the ladder. Agata gets
up and stands at the top of the ladder, her hands on her
hips, watching. She calls after them.

AGATA (CONT'D)
There is mint growing next to the
lower barn door!
(MORE)
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 89.

AGATA (CONT'D)
You could pick some of it and add
it to the warm water. Earnest would
love that!

Agata goes to the window and watches for a long while, as
Mejal and Earnest make their way back to Earnest’s house.


84 EXT. LOWER BARN DOOR - SUNRISE 84

CLOSE ON: Mint, lovingly picked. Mejal holds it under
Earnest’s nose, invites him to smell it. He smiles. He picks
some himself.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft during early morning, August struggles with his emotions, prompting Agata to encourage him to express himself. The atmosphere shifts with the arrival of Earnest Penner, an elderly man with dementia, who confuses the women for angels. Agata and the others comfort him, with Mejal offering to help him bathe. Agata advises Mejal to use warm water and add mint for Earnest's comfort. The scene concludes with Mejal leading Earnest away, while Agata suggests picking mint, symbolizing care and connection amidst the melancholy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tender moments
Weaknesses
  • Low on conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is beautifully crafted, evoking a sense of tenderness and compassion that resonates with the audience. The emotional depth and character interactions are poignant and moving, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showing compassion and care for an elderly character with dementia adds a layer of humanity and empathy to the story. It explores themes of kindness, understanding, and the importance of looking out for one another.

Plot: 8.5

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it enriches the character dynamics and emotional depth of the story. It serves as a moment of respite and reflection amidst the tension and conflict in the screenplay.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of aging and dementia, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel genuine and heartfelt.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The scene showcases the characters' capacity for empathy and compassion, deepening their development and highlighting their caring nature. The interactions between the women and Earnest reveal their humanity and kindness.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' capacity for compassion and empathy. It reinforces their caring nature and strengthens their bonds.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to show compassion and care for the old man suffering from dementia, reflecting their deeper desire for connection and empathy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to help the old man with his bath and ensure his well-being, reflecting the immediate challenge of dealing with his dementia and confusion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

The scene is low on conflict, focusing more on emotional connection and care. The conflict is internal, as the characters navigate their feelings towards Earnest and their responsibilities towards him.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the challenge of dealing with the old man's dementia and confusion adding tension and complexity.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and emotional connections. The primary focus is on care and compassion for Earnest, rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but adds depth to the characters and their relationships. It provides a moment of reflection and emotional connection, enriching the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the old man's dementia and the women's reactions, creating tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the old man's confusion and the women's compassion, challenging their beliefs about aging and care for the elderly.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tenderness, empathy, and warmth. The care shown towards Earnest resonates with the audience and elicits a strong emotional response.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt and genuine, reflecting the characters' emotions and intentions in a realistic manner. It effectively conveys the warmth and empathy present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and the compelling interaction between characters, drawing the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for emotional moments to unfold naturally, creating a sense of intimacy and connection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, particularly through August's tears and the women's reactions. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The shift from the children's innocent singing to the heavy emotional context of the women in the hayloft could benefit from a more gradual build-up to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Earnest's character adds a layer of complexity and tenderness to the scene, but his dialogue can come off as somewhat disjointed. While his confusion is a reflection of his dementia, it might be beneficial to streamline his lines to maintain clarity while still conveying his state of mind.
  • Agata's nurturing nature is well-established, but her dialogue could be more varied. The repetition of 'Are you plotting to burn down my barn?' and similar phrases could be replaced with more unique expressions of Earnest's confusion to avoid redundancy.
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of levity amidst the tension, but the humor could be more nuanced. The line 'What are you bitches plotting?' feels jarring and may detract from the overall tone. A softer or more humorous phrasing could maintain the lightness without undermining the seriousness of the women's situation.
  • The visual imagery of the mint at the end is a lovely touch, symbolizing care and comfort. However, it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details earlier in the scene, such as the smell of the hay or the warmth of the sun, to create a richer atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or reflection after the singing before introducing Earnest to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the women's situation.
  • Streamline Earnest's dialogue to maintain clarity while still reflecting his confusion. This could involve focusing on key phrases that highlight his state of mind without excessive repetition.
  • Introduce more varied expressions of Earnest's confusion to avoid redundancy and keep the dialogue fresh. This could involve different questions or observations that reflect his character's unique perspective.
  • Rephrase Earnest's line about 'bitches plotting' to something that maintains the humor but feels more in line with the overall tone of the scene, perhaps something more whimsical or innocent.
  • Incorporate sensory details earlier in the scene to enhance the atmosphere, such as describing the warmth of the sun or the smell of the hay, which would complement the visual imagery of the mint at the end.



Scene 52 - A New Dawn: Farewells and Hope
85 INT. HAYLOFT - SUNRISE 85

Agata still watches them in the distance, wondering, tears
streaming down her face.

SALOME
Mother?

AGATA
I’m just saying goodbye.

She wipes her tears, quickly away. She turns to The Women,
who are all watching her closely. Greta looks at her,
vulnerable.

GRETA
I’m nervous.

ONA
We’re all nervous. We can’t avoid
nervousness.

AUTJE
We hid Ruth and Cheryl for you.
They are ready to go.

GRETA
Ruth and Cheryl!!! Really??!!!

Greta runs over to Autje and kisses the girls.

GRETA (CONT'D)
Well, my girls.

MARICHE
We’ll head out, then.

GRETA
Yes. Let’s go.
Pink Rev. (06/21/21) 90.


SALOME
We’ll need to find guns, in case
anyone tries to stop us.

AGATA
No. We won’t have guns. We must
begin peacefully. As we mean to
continue.

Agata looks off, decisive. Salome suddenly looks frightened.


SALOME
We don’t know where we are going.

GRETA
We don’t. We can’t. But we must go
anyway.

Nettie/Melvin climbs the ladder. He stands there, silently in
front of the women.

AGATA
Are the children clean and ready?

Nettie/Melvin nods.

AGATA (CONT'D)
And their things are packed? They
are fed?

Nettie/Melvin nods again. Melvin goes to the window, to look
at the children, playing below. Agata follows him.

AGATA (CONT'D)
Thank you, Melvin.

Melvin smiles for the first time, hearing his name. He smiles
at the open window, staring at the sunlight.

MELVIN
Thank you. Thank you for saying my
name.

There are tears of joy in Melvin’s eyes.

AGATA
Melvin, are you ready for the
journey?

Melvin doesn’t answer. They wait.

MELVIN
No. I am not ready.

The Women are alarmed. Some open their mouths to speak.

MELVIN (CONT'D)
But I am coming with you.

They smile and sigh with relief.

GRETA
Yes, who of us can say we’re ready,
after all?
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 92.


MARICHE
I can.

AGATA
Melvin, please return to the
children and play a game with them
in the field next to the wash
house. That is where the other
women will find us, on their way
out of the colony.

SALOME
Has Aaron readied the horses for
us?

Melvin turns towards Salome and looks at her, warily. He
shakes his head.

MELVIN
No.

SALOME
What? Where is he?

Melvin shakes his head and shrugs. Salome takes Melvin’s arm.

SALOME (CONT'D)
Speak to me. Please. I won’t harm
you. I am not your enemy!

Melvin is frightened and backs away, towards the window.

AGATA
You must calm down, Salome. Aaron
will be found. Melvin. You are
safe.

SALOME
But we’re leaving soon. I’m not
leaving without him.

Salome climbs down the ladder, panicked. Melvin whispers at
the window.
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 93.


AGATA
Salome! Come back!

They go to the window and watch Salome, running, her skirts
flying behind her, bent into the wind, kicking up dust.

ONA
Salome! Aaron will be found. He
will leave with us. I know he will!

Ona turns to Agata.

ONA (CONT'D)
But what if she doesn’t convince
Aaron?

Agata suddenly collapses onto her feed pail. Ona rushes to
her.

ONA (CONT'D)
Mother?

Agata doesn’t speak. The other women crowd around her. She *
smiles, eyes wide, nods her head, concentrates on her
breathing. They all wait. Greta prays. Ona and Greta each
hold one of Agata’s hands and synchronize their breathing.
Mariche and the young women are quiet, watching. Finally,
Agata raises herself up to standing.

AGATA
We are going to go now.

AUGUST
(not ready)
Now?

AGATA
Yes. Make a list, August.

AUGUST
A list of what?

AGATA
Of good things. Of memories, of
plans. Whatever you feel goes into
a good list; what we, the women,
would want there, please write it
down.

She laughs, her breath choppy and laboured.
Double Pink Rev. (08/16/21) 93A.


AGATA (CONT'D)
Thank you, August. For all you have
done. We are all so proud of you.
Your mother would be too.

AUGUST
I will make a list.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 94.


Tears stream down August’s face. The Women rise, ready to
leave. Agata is breathing very heavily now. Ona looks at her,
concerned.

GRETA
This will be a difficult trip.

AGATA
I’m aware of that. Today is the day
that the Lord hath made. Let us
rejoice and be glad in it!

She turns to Ona and says softly:

AGATA (CONT'D)
I won’t be buried in this colony.
Help me into a buggy now and I’ll
die on the trail.

Ona laughs but her eyes tear up. August is trying to keep
writing but he can’t stop crying. The Women help each other
down the ladder, in a chain. August watches them, especially
Ona. He moves quickly towards the ladder, to catch a glimpse
of her as she goes. Ona looks back at them.

ONA
(between sobs)
What about August?

August smiles and waves, unsure what to do with himself.
Agata is the last to climb down. August rises to his feet.
Agata turns to him and smiles.

AGATA
August, wouldn’t you marry my Ona?

August returns her smile.

AUGUST
I’ve asked her so many times.

AGATA
And she always said no?

Agata reaches up and pats August’s knee. He is towering over
her now. He bends to touch her shoulder. She puts her hand on
his.

AUGUST
Hang on with both hands.

Agata finishes going down the ladder.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 94A.


AUGUST (CONT'D)
What about Aaron?

But Agata has already walked away.

August walks over to the window. He sees the women walking
away into the distance. Ona is walking backwards, keeping her
eyes on him.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Ona. I will always love you!

Ona laughs and cries and keeps walking backwards so she can
see him. She waves. She forces herself, finally, to turn
around. Agata, closer to the window looks up at August.
Pink Rev. (06/21/21) 95.


AGATA
And she loves you too, August.
She loves everyone.

August nods. Waves lightly.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hayloft at sunrise, Agata bids an emotional farewell to her family, urging the women to depart peacefully despite their fears about the uncertain journey ahead. As Salome panics over Aaron's absence, Agata encourages calmness and prepares the group for their departure. The women support each other, with Greta excited to reunite with her children and August sharing a heartfelt moment with Ona. The scene captures a mix of sadness, hope, and determination as they leave their past behind, symbolized by the rising sun.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic richness
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations could be further explored
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-crafted, emotionally impactful, and effectively sets up the climax of the story. The dialogue, character interactions, and thematic elements are strong, creating a poignant and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the women deciding to leave the colony despite challenges and uncertainties is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene. The themes of sacrifice, love, and determination are effectively explored through the characters' actions and dialogue.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the women's decision to leave the colony, setting up a significant turning point in the story. The tension, emotional stakes, and character dynamics contribute to the scene's impact on the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its portrayal of peaceful resistance, complex relationships, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with each displaying a range of emotions and motivations. Their interactions, conflicts, and resolutions add depth to the narrative and enhance the audience's connection to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters experience emotional growth and transformation in the scene, particularly in their resolve to leave the colony and face the unknown. The decisions they make reflect their evolving perspectives and priorities, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 9

Agata's internal goal is to lead the women in a peaceful and organized escape, reflecting her desire for freedom and justice. She also shows compassion and care for her fellow women, as seen in her interactions with August and Ona.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully leave the colony and start a new life, despite the challenges and uncertainties they face. This goal reflects their immediate circumstances of oppression and the need for change.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their emotions, fears, and uncertainties about the future. The tension arises from their decisions and the high stakes involved in leaving the colony.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal conflicts, uncertainties, and challenges that the characters must overcome. The audience is left wondering about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters risk their safety, relationships, and future by choosing to leave the colony. The uncertainty, danger, and emotional turmoil add intensity to the decision-making process and its consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing the women's decision to leave the colony and the challenges they face in doing so. It sets up a crucial turning point in the narrative, driving the plot towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional turns, moral dilemmas, and character decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between peaceful resistance and violent retaliation. Agata's decision not to use guns challenges the traditional belief in using force to achieve freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, relief, and determination in the audience. The characters' struggles, sacrifices, and moments of connection resonate deeply, creating a powerful and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is poignant, reflective, and emotionally charged, capturing the characters' inner struggles and resolutions effectively. The conversations reveal the characters' personalities, relationships, and motivations with depth and authenticity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and sense of urgency. The audience is drawn into the women's struggle and determination.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with moments of reflection and action interspersed. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a buildup of tension, emotional moments, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, as it captures a pivotal moment of departure for the women. However, the pacing feels uneven at times, particularly with the transition from Agata's emotional farewell to the more practical concerns about the journey. This could be smoothed out to maintain the emotional intensity throughout.
  • The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fears and hopes, but some lines could be more concise. For instance, Salome's panic about Aaron's absence could be expressed with fewer words to heighten the urgency without losing clarity.
  • Melvin's character arc is touching, especially his emotional response to being acknowledged by Agata. However, his transition from fear to acceptance could be more pronounced. A brief moment of internal conflict or hesitation before he agrees to join could deepen his character development.
  • The scene's visual elements are strong, particularly the imagery of the women preparing to leave. However, incorporating more sensory details—like the sounds of the morning or the feel of the wind—could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience further into the moment.
  • Agata's declaration about not wanting to be buried in the colony is powerful, but it could benefit from a stronger lead-in. A moment of reflection before this line could amplify its impact, allowing the audience to fully grasp the weight of her words.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to enhance the urgency and emotional weight of the scene. For example, streamline Salome's lines to convey her panic more succinctly.
  • Add a moment of hesitation for Melvin before he decides to join the women, which could provide a deeper insight into his character and the gravity of the situation.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the morning, the feel of the wind, or the scents in the air to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Strengthen Agata's emotional farewell by including a brief moment of reflection or a poignant memory before she declares her desire not to be buried in the colony.
  • Ensure that the transitions between emotional moments and practical discussions flow smoothly to maintain the scene's overall emotional intensity.



Scene 53 - Echoes of Desire
86 INT. HAYLOFT - MORNING 86

August sits alone, making a list. We travel along the words
and illustrations that have been posted on the walls, all
around him.

AUGUST (V.O.)
How will I live without these
women? My heart will stop. I will
try to teach the boys and men about
these women, about the new reality
of which they dream. I must make a
list. A list, from the Middle
English liste, meaning desire.
Which is also the origin of the
word “listen.”

August looks at the wall of notes, then begins to write.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a quiet hayloft, August reflects on the profound influence of the women in his life, grappling with the fear of losing them. He resolves to honor their dreams by creating a list, inspired by the connection between desire and listening. As he writes, the scene captures his emotional turmoil and determination to preserve their memory, culminating in a visual journey of words and illustrations that embody his thoughts.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Thematic richness
  • Character introspection
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong emotional core and thematic depth. It effectively conveys August's inner conflict and sets up a poignant moment of reflection.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a list as a metaphor for desire and listening is innovative and adds layers of meaning to the scene. It explores themes of love, loss, and memory in a compelling way.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves as a crucial moment of introspection for August, deepening the emotional impact of the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of grief and memory, using language and symbolism to explore August's emotional journey. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

August's character is well-developed in this scene, showcasing his vulnerability and emotional depth. The focus on his internal struggle adds complexity to his portrayal.

Character Changes: 7

August undergoes a significant emotional change in this scene, grappling with the idea of life without the women. His vulnerability and introspection mark a shift in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

August's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the loss of the women in his life and to find a way to carry on without them. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding, as well as his fear of being alone.

External Goal: 6

August's external goal is to make a list, symbolizing his desire to remember and honor the women he has lost. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of coping with grief and moving forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as August grapples with the prospect of life without the women. It adds emotional tension but is not the central focus.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from August's internal struggles and conflicting desires, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are primarily emotional in this scene, as August contemplates a life without the women he cares for deeply. While not high in a traditional sense, the emotional stakes are significant.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly move the plot forward, it deepens the emotional complexity of the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as August grapples with conflicting desires and fears, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain of his next steps.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of memory, loss, and the passage of time. August grapples with the idea of preserving the memory of the women he has lost while also facing the reality of a new future without them.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into August's inner turmoil and sense of loss. It evokes feelings of sadness, longing, and hope.

Dialogue: 7

The scene is more introspective and reflective, with minimal dialogue. The dialogue that is present effectively conveys August's emotional state and inner thoughts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, poetic language, and the compelling portrayal of August's internal struggles and philosophical reflections.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection, as well as building tension and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that enhances the overall atmosphere and tone.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys August's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflict at the heart of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures August's emotional turmoil and his sense of loss as he contemplates the absence of the women. The voiceover provides insight into his character and his intentions, which adds depth to the narrative.
  • The use of the word 'list' as a metaphor for desire and its connection to 'listen' is a clever linguistic choice that enriches the scene. However, it may benefit from a more explicit connection to the themes of the screenplay, particularly regarding the women's struggles and aspirations.
  • The visual description of the words and illustrations on the walls is a strong element, but it could be enhanced by specifying what some of these words or illustrations are. This would provide a clearer emotional context and allow the audience to better understand the significance of what August is reflecting on.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly slow due to the introspective nature of the voiceover. While introspection is important, balancing it with more dynamic visual elements or actions could maintain audience engagement.
  • August's emotional state is well conveyed, but the scene could benefit from a more active demonstration of his feelings. For instance, showing him physically struggling with the act of writing or expressing frustration could create a more visceral connection to his internal conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding specific examples of the words or illustrations on the walls that represent the women's dreams or struggles. This would create a stronger visual and emotional connection for the audience.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or gestures from August as he writes, such as crumpling paper or pausing to reflect, to enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief flashback or memory that illustrates a moment with the women, which could serve as a poignant contrast to his current solitude and deepen the audience's understanding of his loss.
  • To improve pacing, consider interspersing August's voiceover with brief moments of silence or visual focus on the illustrations, allowing the audience to absorb the emotional weight without feeling rushed.
  • Revisit the metaphor of 'list' and 'listen' to ensure it resonates with the overarching themes of the screenplay. Perhaps tie it back to a specific moment or lesson learned from the women that he wishes to impart to the boys and men.



Scene 54 - Cycles of Life
87 EXT. FIELD - SUNRISE 87

The sun rises. We see beams of sun shining through trees,
light dancing on a pond.
Cherry Rev. (07/18/21) 96.


AGATA (V.O.)
Sun.


88 EXT. FIELD - NIGHT 88

We are staring up at the sky, the milky way.

NEITJE (V.O.)
Stars.


89 INT. BARN - DAY 89

A pail, sitting alone among discarded tools.

MIEP (V.O.)
Pails.


90 EXT. HOUSE - DAY 90

A newborn baby stares at the sky, adjusting to the light.

AUTJE (V.O.)
Birth.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene presents a serene and reflective exploration of nature and life through visual vignettes. It begins with a sunrise over a field, accompanied by Agata's voiceover 'Sun.' This transitions to a night sky filled with stars, with Neitje saying 'Stars.' A solitary pail in a barn is introduced with Miep's voiceover 'Pails,' followed by the image of a newborn baby outside a house, adjusting to the light, as Autje reflects on 'Birth.' The scene captures the beauty of life's cycles without conflict, evoking a sense of wonder.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Unity theme
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets the stage for the women's departure, with strong character moments and a sense of impending change.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unity, sacrifice, and resilience is effectively portrayed in the scene, setting the stage for the women's journey. The use of symbolism and character interactions adds depth to the overall concept.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is significant, as it marks a crucial moment in the story where the women make a collective decision to leave. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate, with a fresh approach to depicting the beauty of nature and the cycle of life. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed and show growth and vulnerability in the face of adversity. Their interactions and relationships add layers to the scene, making it emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters show growth and resilience in the scene, particularly Agata and August, as they face challenges and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reflect on the beauty and simplicity of life. This reflects their deeper need for connection to nature, peace, and a sense of wonder.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, as the focus is more on introspection and reflection rather than external challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is tension and fear present in the scene, the conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles and decisions rather than external threats.

Opposition: 3

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with no clear obstacles or challenges for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the women prepare to leave their community and face an uncertain future. The risk of discovery and the challenges ahead add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the women's departure and highlighting their unity and resolve. It paves the way for future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is predictable in its focus on nature and the cycle of life, with no major plot twists or unexpected events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the simplicity and beauty of nature versus the complexities of human existence. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of simplicity and connection to nature.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of empathy, hope, and fear in the audience. The characters' vulnerability and determination resonate strongly.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It enhances the scene's themes of unity and determination.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it invites the audience to reflect on the beauty and simplicity of life, creating a sense of wonder and contemplation.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of stillness and reflection, creating a sense of tranquility and wonder.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, focusing on visual descriptions and minimal dialogue to convey emotion and meaning.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses visual imagery to convey themes of life, nature, and the cycle of existence. Each vignette captures a different aspect of life, from the beauty of the sunrise to the innocence of a newborn, which resonates with the overarching themes of the screenplay.
  • The voiceovers provide a poetic quality to the scene, allowing the characters' thoughts to connect with the visuals. However, the simplicity of the lines ('Sun,' 'Stars,' 'Pails,' 'Birth') may come off as overly simplistic or lacking depth. While brevity can be powerful, these lines could benefit from more emotional weight or context to enhance their impact.
  • The transitions between the different vignettes are smooth, but the scene could benefit from a stronger thematic connection between the visuals and the characters' journeys. For instance, how does the imagery of the newborn relate to the struggles and decisions the women have faced? Establishing a clearer link could deepen the emotional resonance.
  • The scene's pacing is contemplative, which suits the reflective nature of the moment. However, it may feel disjointed to some viewers due to the abrupt shifts in time and setting. A more gradual transition or a unifying element could help maintain a cohesive flow throughout the scene.
  • The use of voiceovers is effective in providing insight into the characters' perspectives, but it might be beneficial to explore how these thoughts relate to the visual elements more explicitly. For example, how does Neitje's reflection on 'Stars' connect to her personal journey or the collective experience of the women?
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the voiceover lines to include more emotional context or personal reflections that tie back to the characters' experiences. This could enhance the depth of the scene and create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a unifying visual motif or symbol that recurs throughout the vignettes, creating a thread that ties the different elements together and reinforces the themes of the screenplay.
  • Incorporate subtle sound design or ambient noise that complements the visuals, such as the sounds of nature during the sunrise or the gentle cooing of the newborn, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of interaction or connection between the characters in the vignettes, even if it's non-verbal. This could help ground the abstract visuals in the emotional reality of the characters' lives.
  • Reflect on the pacing of the scene and consider whether a more gradual transition between the vignettes could enhance the overall flow, allowing the audience to absorb each moment before moving on to the next.



Scene 55 - Harvest of Innocence and Distress
91 EXT. FIELDS - MAGIC HOUR 91

A two-year old lies sleeping in a cart of cucumbers.

MARICHE (V.O.)
The Harvest.


92 INT. SCHOOLHOUSE - DAY 92

A boys hand writes down a math problem.

MEJAL (V.O.)
Numbers.


93 INT. BARN - MORNING 93

August continues to write his list.

ONA (V.O.)
Sounds. Window.

GRETA (V.O.)
Straw. Beams.
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 97.


94 INT. SALOME’S KITCHEN - MORNING 94

ON AARON’S FACE, tears streaming down. He looks at us,
sobbing. He shakes his head violently.

Suddenly, a SPRAY CAN comes into frame. He screams and drops
to the floor.

SALOME (V.O.)
Love.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene juxtaposes the innocence of childhood with emotional turmoil. It begins with a two-year-old peacefully sleeping in a cart of cucumbers, symbolizing harvest, and transitions to a schoolhouse where a boy focuses on math. In a barn, August writes a list while Ona and Greta's voiceovers reflect on environmental sounds. The mood shifts dramatically in Salome's kitchen, where Aaron, visibly distressed, reacts violently to a spray can, culminating in his scream and collapse. The contrasting imagery highlights themes of innocence, numbers, and love, while Aaron's emotional conflict remains unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic resonance
  • Solidarity and resolve
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets the stage for the upcoming departure, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere. The emotional depth, character interactions, and thematic resonance contribute to a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of reflecting on love, family, and the future in the face of impending change is compelling and resonant. The scene effectively explores these themes through character interactions and emotional depth.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the women's preparations for departure and their emotional journey, moving the story forward while deepening character relationships and thematic elements.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting emotional vulnerability and love, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters are well-developed and showcase vulnerability, determination, and love in the face of uncertainty. Their interactions and emotional arcs drive the scene forward and create a sense of unity and strength.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters experience emotional growth and resolve in the scene, particularly in their reflections on love, family, and the future. The shared moment of solidarity and determination marks a significant change in their outlook and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the emotion of love, as depicted by the character Aaron's emotional breakdown in Salome's kitchen.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it may involve dealing with personal relationships and emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the primary focus is on internal struggles, relationships, and the impending departure, rather than external conflicts. The emotional stakes drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with emotional obstacles challenging the characters' relationships and beliefs.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the women prepare to depart, facing uncertainty, danger, and the unknown future. Their decisions and actions in this scene will have a significant impact on their lives and the narrative trajectory.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the women's departure, deepening character relationships, and exploring key themes of love, family, and resilience. It builds anticipation for the next narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden emotional outburst and unexpected actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of love and emotional vulnerability. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about strength and emotional expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of love, sadness, hope, and fear through the characters' vulnerable moments, heartfelt interactions, and thematic resonance. The emotional depth resonates with the audience and enhances the scene's poignancy.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and hopes, adding depth to their relationships and inner struggles. The conversations feel authentic and contribute to the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity and the relatable themes of love and vulnerability.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses voiceovers to create a thematic connection between the visuals and the characters' inner thoughts. However, the transition from the serene imagery of the newborn baby to the distressing moment with Aaron feels abrupt. This shift could be better foreshadowed or connected to maintain emotional continuity.
  • The use of voiceovers is a strong stylistic choice, but the phrases 'Sounds. Window.' and 'Straw. Beams.' feel somewhat disjointed and lack a clear emotional weight. These lines could be more evocative or tied to the characters' experiences to enhance their impact.
  • Aaron's emotional breakdown is powerful, but the introduction of the spray can feels somewhat sudden and could benefit from more buildup. The audience may need a clearer understanding of what the spray can represents in this context to fully grasp the gravity of Aaron's reaction.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven; while the initial visuals create a calm atmosphere, the sudden shift to Aaron's distress disrupts the flow. A more gradual transition could help the audience acclimate to the emotional shift.
  • The visual imagery is strong, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describing the sounds of the fields or the scents in the kitchen could create a richer experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of tension or foreshadowing before Aaron's breakdown to prepare the audience for the emotional shift. This could involve subtle hints about his distress or the presence of the spray can.
  • Revise the voiceover lines to make them more emotionally resonant. For instance, instead of 'Sounds. Window.', consider something like 'The whispers of the wind through the window, a reminder of what lies beyond.'
  • Provide context for the spray can's appearance. Perhaps show it being used earlier in the scene or have it referenced in a conversation to give it more significance when it appears.
  • Smooth the transition between the peaceful imagery and Aaron's distress by incorporating a moment of reflection or a shared experience among the characters that leads into the emotional climax.
  • Enhance the sensory details throughout the scene to create a more immersive experience. Describe the warmth of the sun, the rustling of the cucumbers, or the aroma of food in Salome's kitchen to draw the audience deeper into the world.



Scene 56 - Betrayal and Confrontation
95 EXT. SCARFACE JANZ'S HOUSE - MORNING 95

Scarface Janz is walking quickly away from us, along a path.

SCARFACE JANZ
I will do what God commands me to
do. I will not lie for you.

Salome pushes her down to the ground. She holds out the can
and sprays in her face. Scarface Janz goes immediately
unconscious.


96 INT. KLAAS’ HORSE BARN - MORNING 96

We track along stalls in a barn. We pass a cow, then arrive
on Klaas, passed out in a stall on a bale of hay. He begins
to rouse. A hand comes into frame with a spray bottle and
sprays. We see Salome close the stall door and leave the
barn.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense morning scene, Scarface Janz walks away from the camera, vowing to follow God's commands and refusing to lie. His resolve is abruptly shattered when Salome attacks him, spraying a substance that knocks him unconscious. The scene shifts to Klaas' horse barn, where Klaas is found passed out. As he begins to wake, Salome reappears, spraying him before closing the stall door, leaving both men incapacitated and vulnerable.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling themes of faith and solidarity
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Certain character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and themes, with strong character interactions and a sense of urgency driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of women coming together to face a challenging situation and showing resilience and unity is compelling and well-developed.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, with a clear goal of preparing for departure and facing obstacles along the way. The resolution of the conflict adds depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation where characters are forced to confront their beliefs under duress, adding authenticity to their actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their relationships are explored effectively, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes and growth throughout the scene, particularly in their resolve and unity.

Internal Goal: 8

Scarface Janz's internal goal in this scene is to stay true to her beliefs and not compromise her morals, even when faced with physical harm.

External Goal: 7

Scarface Janz's external goal in this scene is to resist the antagonist's attempts to force her to lie.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene, including the women's struggle to leave their current situation and the obstacles they face, adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the antagonist's actions create a sense of danger and challenge for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the women face the challenge of leaving their current situation and the uncertainty of their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for the next narrative development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the use of a spray bottle to render them unconscious.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception, as Scarface Janz refuses to lie despite the consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tenderness, fear, resolve, and solidarity evoking strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral conflict, and physical action that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and a quick resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and a resolution, fitting the expected format for a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with Scarface Janz's declaration of moral conviction, which is abruptly undermined by Salome's violent action. This juxtaposition highlights the conflict between personal beliefs and survival instincts, but the transition from dialogue to action feels abrupt. The pacing could benefit from a moment of hesitation or internal conflict from Salome before she resorts to violence, enhancing the emotional weight of her decision.
  • The visual tracking through the barn is a strong choice, creating a sense of continuity and immersion in the setting. However, the transition from Scarface Janz's confrontation to Klaas's unconscious state could be more fluid. The cut to Klaas feels somewhat disjointed; a brief moment showing Salome's emotional state after her action could provide a smoother narrative flow.
  • Scarface Janz's character is introduced with a strong moral stance, but her quick incapacitation diminishes her agency. This could leave the audience feeling disconnected from her character. Consider giving her a moment to react to Salome's aggression, which could deepen the audience's investment in her fate.
  • The use of the spray can as a weapon is a creative choice, symbolizing both a literal and metaphorical silencing. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer visual representation of what the spray contains and its implications. This would add depth to the action and clarify the stakes involved.
  • Salome's actions are driven by desperation, but the scene lacks a clear motivation for her aggression towards Scarface Janz. Providing a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at a prior conflict or a reason for her actions could enhance the audience's understanding of her character's motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation for Salome before she attacks Scarface Janz, allowing the audience to feel the weight of her decision and the conflict within her.
  • Introduce a brief reaction shot from Scarface Janz after Salome's attack to maintain her agency and emotional presence in the scene.
  • Incorporate a visual cue or dialogue that explains the contents of the spray can, enhancing the audience's understanding of its significance and the stakes involved.
  • Explore the emotional aftermath of Salome's actions by including a moment where she reflects on what she has done, either through a voiceover or a visual cue, to deepen her character development.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the two locations by including a brief moment that connects Salome's action to Klaas's unconscious state, perhaps through a shared visual motif or sound.



Scene 57 - Struggles in the Wind
97 EXT. ROAD - MORNING 97

We see an image, similar to the one we saw near the
beginning. A group of women walk down a road. The wind picks
up. They try to hold onto their hats.

SALOME (V.O.)
Futility.

MELVIN (V.O.)
Language.

MIEP (V.O.)
Wind.

AGATA (V.O.)
Women.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a contemplative morning scene, a group of women walks down a road, battling the wind that threatens to blow their hats away, symbolizing futility. Voiceovers from Salome, Melvin, Miep, and Agata express their thoughts on futility, language, wind, and women, respectively. The scene highlights their struggle against the elements, leaving a melancholic reflection on existence as they continue their journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character introspection
  • Thematic resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of reflection and introspection through the characters' internal monologues and the visual imagery of the women walking down the road. The use of voiceovers adds layers to the scene, enhancing the emotional depth and thematic resonance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' internal thoughts and emotions as they walk down the road is well-executed, providing insight into their inner struggles and reflections. The use of voiceovers enhances the thematic elements of the scene.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not focus heavily on plot progression, it serves as a moment of introspection and emotional exploration for the characters. The emphasis is more on character development and thematic resonance.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach by focusing on abstract reflections rather than traditional external conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' reflections adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, allowing for a rich exploration of their personalities and struggles. The use of voiceovers adds depth to their characterization and enhances the audience's connection to them.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no drastic character changes in the scene, the characters undergo internal growth and introspection as they confront their emotions and inner conflicts. The scene serves as a moment of self-discovery and reflection for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reflect on abstract concepts like futility, language, wind, and women. These reflections may reveal deeper needs for understanding, communication, connection, and empowerment.

External Goal: 5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, as the focus is more on internal reflections rather than external actions or objectives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene is low on external conflict but high on internal conflict, as the characters wrestle with their emotions and inner struggles. The conflict is more psychological and emotional in nature.

Opposition: 3

The opposition in this scene is minimal, as the focus is on internal reflections rather than external conflicts. The audience may not anticipate a clear resolution or outcome.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, as the characters grapple with their inner demons and confront their fears and desires. While there is a sense of urgency and reflection, the external stakes are relatively low.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the plot forward but provides a crucial moment of introspection and emotional depth for the characters. It adds layers to the narrative and enhances the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and struggles.

Unpredictability: 4

This scene is unpredictable because it focuses on abstract reflections rather than traditional plot developments. The audience may not anticipate the characters' thoughts and interpretations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the abstract concepts the characters reflect on. This conflict challenges the characters' beliefs, values, and worldview by prompting them to consider the nature of futility, language, wind, and women.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and resignation as the characters reflect on their journey and inner turmoil. The poignant moments and introspective tone resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, with the voiceovers providing insight into the characters' inner monologues. The sparse dialogue allows the visuals and character expressions to convey the emotions effectively.

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it prompts the audience to reflect on abstract concepts and interpret the characters' reflections. The minimalist approach may require active engagement from the audience.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing space for contemplation and reflection. The slow rhythm enhances the audience's engagement with the characters' thoughts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene effectively conveys the minimalist and contemplative tone, with sparse dialogue and descriptive imagery. It enhances the audience's engagement with the characters' reflections.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows a minimalist format that emphasizes introspection and contemplation. While it may not adhere to traditional genre expectations, it effectively conveys the characters' reflections.


Critique
  • The scene effectively mirrors an earlier moment in the screenplay, creating a sense of continuity and thematic resonance. However, the repetition of the image of women walking down a road could benefit from a more distinct visual or emotional shift to differentiate it from the earlier scene. This would help to emphasize the growth or change in the characters since that moment.
  • The use of voiceovers from Salome, Melvin, Miep, and Agata adds depth to the scene, allowing for a multifaceted exploration of their perspectives. However, the words chosen ('Futility,' 'Language,' 'Wind,' 'Women') feel somewhat abstract and disconnected from the immediate visual context. It may be more impactful to select words that directly relate to their current situation or emotional state, enhancing the audience's connection to the characters' experiences.
  • The tone of the scene is reflective, but it risks becoming overly vague due to the abstract nature of the voiceovers. While the intention may be to evoke contemplation, the lack of specificity could lead to disengagement from the audience. Providing a clearer emotional anchor or context for these words could strengthen the scene's impact.
  • The visual imagery of women struggling to hold onto their hats in the wind is a strong metaphor for their struggle against external forces. However, this metaphor could be further developed by incorporating more sensory details or actions that illustrate their emotional states, such as expressions of determination or fear, which would enhance the scene's emotional weight.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific visual or emotional element that distinguishes this scene from the earlier one, such as a change in the women's demeanor or the environment around them, to highlight their journey.
  • Revise the voiceover words to be more concrete and relatable to the characters' current emotional states or experiences, potentially using phrases that reflect their struggles or hopes in the moment.
  • Enhance the emotional tone by incorporating more sensory details or character actions that reflect their feelings as they walk, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with their experiences.
  • Explore the possibility of integrating dialogue or interactions among the women during their walk, which could provide context for the voiceovers and create a more dynamic scene.



Scene 58 - A Bittersweet Farewell
98 INT. HAYLOFT - MORNING 98

August hears clambering on the ladder. Salome appears. She
takes an axe and a few other big tools from the tack room.
August looks at her, questioningly.

SALOME
We may need to protect ourselves.

AUGUST
Where is Aaron?

SALOME
He is in the buggy, waiting.

AUGUST
You convinced him to leave?

Salome doesn’t respond, hands him the spray can. August
stares at it.

SALOME
Here. You may need this. For
protection.

August’s eyes widen as he stares at the spray can and begins
to understand.

AUGUST
Did you have to-

SALOME
Yes. It’s just as though I had
picked up a sleeping child in the
night and carried him away from a
house that was on fire.

AUGUST
Is it?

SALOME
He’s coming with me. He’s my child.

August nods, looking unsure.

SALOME (CONT'D)
I broke the rules? I did. I broke
the new rules already. Maybe I’ve
broken everything. And we haven’t
yet begun. I sprayed Scarface Janz
also. She was planning to go to the
city to tell the men.
Goldenrod Rev. (07/09/21) 99.


AUGUST
Does she know how to get there?

SALOME
No, of course not.

AUGUST
So it was an idle threat.

SALOME
But I was afraid.

August nods.

SALOME (CONT'D)
Klaas too. But he wasn’t awake yet,
so he won’t remember being knocked
out. Just like we didn’t.

Salome goes to leave.

SALOME (CONT'D)
Goodbye August, and good luck.

AUGUST
Please take care of Ona and her
baby.

Salome nods.

SALOME
Of course. I promise.

AUGUST
Wait. I need to give you something.

August crosses the room and pulls a gun out of his satchel.
He comes back to the ladder and hands it to Salome.

AUGUST (CONT'D)
Here.

Salome stares at the gun.

SALOME
Why do you have a gun, August?

AUGUST
Because...

SALOME
Don’t kill yourself August. You
have important work to do.


August nods.

SALOME (CONT'D)
You are the boys teacher.

She tucks the gun away, wordlessly. She begins to climb down.

SALOME (CONT'D)
We really have to hurry.

AUGUST
But you’re not fleeing.

She laughs again.

SALOME
That’s right. We’ve chosen to
leave.

AUGUST
But not Aaron.

Salome is quiet for a moment. She looks at him.

SALOME
I will have to live with that.

AUGUST
Don’t come back. Don’t ever come
back, any of you.

Salome laughs. She nods.

SALOME
I’ll miss you. Be a good teacher.
You have straw in your hair.

AUGUST
Wait! I have to give you the
minutes!

SALOME
August! I have to go!

August runs to the table and picks up the notebooks and takes
some of the sheets of paper from the walls.

He hands her what he has gathered so far.

AUGUST
Please give these to Ona.

SALOME
But she can’t read them.
Double Blue Rev. (08/09/21) 101.


AUGUST
Her child will read them.

Salome places the notebooks and papers back in August’s
hands.

SALOME
August. The purpose was for you to
take the minutes.

She pushes his hand with the papers in it back at him. August
looks at her, beginning to understand.

SALOME (CONT'D)
We’ll meet again.

AUGUST
We’ll meet again.

Salome descends the ladder, leaving August with the
notebooks.

August goes to the north doors and opens them. We see him
stand there, in a WIDE FRAME. WE MOVE QUICKLY TOWARDS HIM and
we see what he sees. He watches Salome, running away, one
last time, from the barn. He can catch a glimpse of the
convoy of buggies lining up beside the wash house.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the hayloft, August is taken aback when Salome arrives with tools, revealing she has taken Aaron and incapacitated Scarface Janz. Despite his concerns, August understands Salome's motivations as she expresses her commitment to protect her child. They share a poignant moment before Salome departs, with August giving her a gun for protection and holding onto notebooks meant for Ona's child, symbolizing their connection amidst the urgency of their situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Lack of resolution for certain plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and tension of the characters' choices, with strong dialogue and impactful moments. The execution is well done, capturing the urgency and sacrifice of the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of departure and sacrifice is central to the scene, driving the characters' decisions and actions. It explores themes of loyalty, protection, and difficult choices in a compelling way.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the story, as it shows the characters preparing to leave and the sacrifices they make. It adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of loyalty, sacrifice, and duty. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are effectively portrayed, adding layers to the scene. Their interactions and decisions drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, particularly Salome and August, as they make difficult decisions and sacrifices. Their actions reflect their growth and resolve.

Internal Goal: 8

August's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with Salome's decision to leave with Aaron and to understand the implications of her actions on their community. This reflects his deeper need for stability and security.

External Goal: 7

August's external goal is to ensure the safety and well-being of Ona and her baby in Salome's absence. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining order and protection in the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and sacrifices. The tension arises from their emotions and the weight of their choices.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face tough decisions and sacrifices that will impact their future. The emotional weight of their choices adds to the intensity of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showing the characters' preparations to leave and the sacrifices they make. It sets up future developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the unexpected twists in their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of sacrifice and duty. Salome's decision to leave with Aaron challenges August's beliefs about loyalty and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters face tough decisions and sacrifices. The audience is drawn into their turmoil and feels the weight of their choices.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations clearly. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension and emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension between them, and the uncertainty of their futures.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and emotional weight through the dialogue between August and Salome. Their exchange reveals the gravity of the situation and the difficult choices they are making, particularly regarding Aaron's safety. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while Salome's motivations are clear, August's internal conflict could be explored further to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Salome's actions, particularly incapacitating Scarface Janz, are significant and impactful, but the scene could delve deeper into the moral implications of her choices. The audience might benefit from a clearer understanding of her emotional state and the weight of her decisions, which could be achieved through more internal monologue or reflective dialogue.
  • The use of the spray can as a symbol of protection is intriguing, but it could be more explicitly tied to the themes of violence and survival. The scene hints at a larger conflict, yet it feels somewhat isolated. Integrating more context about the stakes outside the hayloft could enhance the urgency and tension.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but there are moments where the dialogue feels slightly rushed, particularly when August hands over the notebooks. Slowing down this moment could allow for a more poignant farewell, emphasizing the emotional weight of their parting.
  • The visual imagery of August standing at the north doors watching Salome leave is powerful, but it could be enhanced with more descriptive language to evoke the setting's atmosphere. Adding sensory details about the environment could deepen the audience's immersion in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for August, perhaps through a brief moment of hesitation or a flashback that highlights his feelings about the situation and his relationship with Salome.
  • Explore Salome's emotional turmoil further by incorporating a line or two that reflects her fears or regrets about leaving Aaron behind, which could add depth to her character.
  • Integrate more context about the external conflict that prompted Salome's actions, perhaps through a brief mention of the threats they face, to heighten the sense of urgency.
  • Slow down the pacing during the exchange of the notebooks to allow for a more emotional farewell, emphasizing the significance of their connection and the weight of their choices.
  • Enhance the visual imagery by incorporating sensory details about the hayloft and the outside world, such as sounds, smells, or the weather, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 59 - The Departure
99 EXT. WASH HOUSE ROAD - MORNING 99

We run with children through the field, obliviously carefree,
in a wild game. They approach the road and are ushered
towards buggies by the women. WE MOVE QUICKLY ALONGSIDE THE
CONVOY AS MANY BAGS AND SUPPLIES ARE LOADED, children are
passed up. Women get inside. A flurry of activity as last
minute barrels and cases are loaded in. Among them we see
Mariche and her children, Ona, Agata, Salome, Mejal and
Greta. Anna, frantic, runs alongside the convoy, holding
tight to Helena’s hand as they run, bags in her hand,looking
scared. Autje grabs Helena’s hand and helps her into a buggy
with Neitje. Anna sighs with relief and follows her in.
There is a commotion at the front of the convoy. One of the
buggies behind Autje’s gets stuck with the wheel of the buggy
in front. Neitje, Autje and a GROUP OF WOMEN spontaneously
leap out and help to move the buggy into the correct
position. The buggies begin to move.
Green Rev. (07/03/21) 102.
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure"]

Summary In a lively morning scene on Wash House Road, children play in a field until their fun is interrupted as women gather them for a convoy of buggies. Among the group are Anna, who anxiously holds her daughter Helena's hand, and Mariche with her children. As supplies are loaded, a buggy gets stuck, causing a moment of chaos. Neitje, Autje, and other women quickly jump in to help, showcasing their strong community spirit. After working together to resolve the issue, the buggies finally begin to move, marking the start of their journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Solidarity and unity theme
  • Tension and tenderness balance
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional complexity of the characters and the high stakes of their journey. It balances tension with moments of unity and tenderness, creating a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of women and children preparing to escape a dangerous situation is compelling and well-executed. The themes of unity, sacrifice, and determination are effectively explored through the characters' actions and interactions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, moving the story forward by showing the characters' preparations for their journey and highlighting the challenges they face. The conflict and stakes are well-established, keeping the audience invested.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of survival in a crisis by focusing on the collective efforts of a group of women and children. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and emotional arcs. The scene allows for moments of vulnerability and strength, showcasing the depth of the characters' relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and change in the scene, particularly in their resolve and determination to face the challenges ahead. The emotional depth of the characters is effectively portrayed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of her children and herself. This reflects her deeper need for protection and security in a time of crisis.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully evacuate with the convoy and avoid any obstacles that may arise. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, with the characters facing internal and external challenges as they prepare to leave. The tension and stakes are palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create obstacles and challenges for the protagonist, adding suspense and uncertainty to the evacuation process.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters risk their safety and freedom to escape a dangerous situation. The urgency and danger of their journey add tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showing the characters' preparations for their journey and setting up the next stage of their adventure. It builds anticipation for the next developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacle that arises with the stuck buggy, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the evacuation process.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between individual survival and collective cooperation. The protagonist must balance her personal goal of protecting her family with the need to work together with others for the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of anxiety, hope, and tenderness from the audience. The characters' struggles and moments of unity resonate strongly.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. It captures the tension and tenderness present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional tension. The reader is drawn into the urgency of the situation and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and urgency, keeping the reader engaged and invested in the outcome of the evacuation. The rhythm of the action and dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness in building tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a sense of urgency and chaos as the women and children prepare to leave, which is crucial given the context of the story. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother. The emotional weight of August watching Salome leave is significant, and it would be beneficial to carry some of that emotional resonance into this scene. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a lingering shot of August before cutting to the children playing, to maintain continuity in emotional tone.
  • The description of the children playing joyfully contrasts sharply with the frantic atmosphere of the women preparing to leave. While this juxtaposition is powerful, it could be enhanced by providing more sensory details about the children's play. For instance, incorporating sounds of laughter or snippets of their game could deepen the emotional impact and highlight the innocence being disrupted.
  • The character of Anna is introduced as frantic and scared, but her motivations and emotional state could be further developed. Providing a line of internal dialogue or a brief flashback could help the audience understand her fear and urgency, making her actions more relatable and impactful.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the moment when the buggy gets stuck feels a bit rushed. This could be an opportunity to build tension and showcase the teamwork among the women. Consider slowing down this moment to allow for more dialogue or reactions from the characters, emphasizing their camaraderie and the stakes of the situation.
  • The visual imagery of the convoy and the flurry of activity is strong, but it could benefit from more specific details about the items being loaded. Mentioning particular supplies or personal items could add depth to the scene, illustrating what the characters value and what they are leaving behind.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment of reflection from August before transitioning to the children, to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Incorporate sensory details about the children's play, such as sounds of laughter or snippets of their game, to enhance the contrast with the women's urgency.
  • Develop Anna's character further by including a line of internal dialogue or a brief flashback to clarify her motivations and emotional state.
  • Slow down the moment when the buggy gets stuck to build tension and showcase the teamwork among the women, possibly including dialogue or reactions.
  • Include specific details about the items being loaded into the buggies to add depth and illustrate what the characters value as they leave.



Scene 60 - Echoes of Departure
100 INT. HAYLOFT - MORNING 100

August stands watching the convoy go. A hand reaches out of
the fourth buggy, a hand lifted in farewell. It might be
Ona’s. He lifts his hand in farewell, knowing he will likely
not be seen.


101 EXT WASH HOUSE ROAD - MORNING 101

We see the convoy of buggies making its way down the long
road. We CRANE UP to see the convoy of women and children,
snaking away into the distance.


101A INT. SALOME'S KITCHEN 101A

A tableau of Salome’s kitchen as it sits empty.


101B INT. GRETA’S KITCHEN 101B

A tableau of Greta’s kitchen. Still and empty.


101C INT. MARICHE’S KITCHEN 101C

A tableau of Mariche’s kitchen. Still and empty.


102 INT SCHOOLHOUSE - MORNING 102

August stands at the front of his schoolroom. There are some
empty chairs, where the younger ones used to sit. He looks at
the teenage boys in front of him. He studies their faces,
innocent, mischievous, paying attention, not paying
attention. He inhales and opens his mouth to speak.

CUT TO BLACK
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, August watches a convoy of women and children, possibly bidding farewell to Ona, as they leave down a long road. The emptiness of Salome, Greta, and Mariche's kitchens is highlighted, symbolizing the absence of their inhabitants. August reflects on the vacant chairs in a schoolhouse, preparing to address the teenage boys present. The emotional weight of loss and separation permeates the scene, culminating in a melancholic atmosphere as August contemplates the void left behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character relationships
  • Visual storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is beautifully crafted, evoking strong emotions and providing closure to the characters' journey. The reflective tone, emotional depth, and hopeful undertones contribute to a powerful conclusion.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of bidding farewell to loved ones and reflecting on their influence is poignant and universal. The scene effectively conveys themes of love, loss, and resilience, resonating with audiences on an emotional level.

Plot: 8.5

While the plot progression is minimal in terms of action, the scene serves as a crucial emotional resolution for the characters, providing closure to their arcs and setting the stage for future developments. The focus on character relationships and growth drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting departure and change, with a focus on internal reflection and philosophical conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and emotionally resonant, with August's introspection and the women's departure showcasing their depth and complexity. The scene highlights their bonds, struggles, and growth, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

While the characters do not undergo significant changes within the scene, their emotional growth and reflections contribute to their overall development. August's introspection and the women's departure mark a turning point in their journeys.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with the departure of the convoy and the changes it brings. It reflects his deeper need for acceptance and understanding of the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to address the teenage boys in the schoolroom and continue with his teaching duties despite the emotional turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and decisions rather than external obstacles. The tension arises from the impending separation and the characters' conflicting emotions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the protagonist facing internal emotional challenges rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' relationships, decisions, and future paths. The impending separation and the characters' internal struggles heighten the emotional stakes of the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene serves as a poignant conclusion to the characters' current arc, providing emotional closure and setting the stage for future developments. While it does not introduce new plot points, it resolves existing conflicts and relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of how the protagonist will handle the departure and the emotional impact it will have on him.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between acceptance of change and holding onto the past. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the departure of the convoy and the empty chairs in the schoolroom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of nostalgia, regret, and hope in the audience. The poignant farewell, introspective moments, and heartfelt performances create a deeply moving experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. The silence and visual storytelling play a significant role in communicating the scene's emotional weight.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and the protagonist's internal struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup and emotional resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of departure, but it could benefit from more specific details about August's feelings as he watches the convoy leave. Adding internal monologue or a brief flashback could deepen the audience's connection to his character and the stakes of the moment.
  • The transition from the convoy to the empty kitchens is visually striking, but it may feel abrupt to the audience. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection from August or a visual cue that connects the convoy's departure to the emptiness of the kitchens, enhancing the thematic resonance.
  • The tableau shots of the empty kitchens are powerful, but they lack context. Including subtle visual elements that hint at the lives once lived there—like a half-finished meal or a child's toy—could evoke a stronger emotional response and reinforce the sense of loss.
  • The final scene in the schoolhouse is a poignant conclusion, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the previous scenes. A stronger link between August's farewell and his role as a teacher could be established, perhaps by having him reflect on the lessons he wished he could impart to the women and children now gone.
  • The use of 'CUT TO BLACK' at the end is a classic technique, but it may feel too abrupt here. Consider a more gradual fade-out or a lingering shot on August's expression to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the moment before transitioning.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate August's internal thoughts or memories as he watches the convoy leave to provide insight into his emotional state and the significance of the moment.
  • Add a visual or auditory cue that connects the convoy's departure to the empty kitchens, such as the sound of the buggies fading away or a lingering shot of a specific item in one of the kitchens.
  • Enhance the tableau shots of the kitchens by including small details that suggest the lives of the women and children who once occupied those spaces, creating a more vivid sense of loss.
  • Strengthen the connection between August's farewell and his role as a teacher by having him reflect on what he wishes he could teach the boys in front of him, linking their futures to the women and children who have left.
  • Consider a more gradual transition to the 'CUT TO BLACK' moment, allowing for a lingering emotional impact by focusing on August's expression or a final shot of the empty schoolroom.



Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

greta

Greta is the matriarch of the Reimer women, embodying strength, resilience, and compassion in the face of trauma. She is a pragmatic and grounded presence, often steering conversations towards practical solutions while maintaining a nurturing demeanor. Her speaking style varies from measured and authoritative to gentle and nurturing, reflecting her multifaceted role as a leader, caregiver, and protector. Greta shows deep empathy towards her fellow women and a strong bond with her horses, Ruth and Cheryl, demonstrating emotional depth and quick thinking in times of danger. She balances humor and light-heartedness with a serious commitment to the well-being of her family and community, often using wit to diffuse tension. As a loving grandmother, she creates a warm atmosphere in her home, showcasing her playful spirit and affection for her grandchildren. Throughout the screenplay, Greta grapples with past regrets and the decision to leave her home, embodying a strong sense of unity and loyalty to her family while navigating the complexities of leadership and personal sacrifice.



agata

Agata is the eldest of the Friesen women, embodying a complex blend of strength, compassion, and resilience. She carries the weight of her family's history and past traumas, which deeply affect her character. Agata is a nurturing figure, often acting as a motherly presence within the group, providing emotional support and guidance during times of crisis. Her dialogue is filled with sorrow yet laced with determination, showcasing her inner turmoil and unwavering resolve. She speaks with a calm and reassuring tone, offering wisdom and comfort to those around her. Agata is pragmatic and action-oriented, advocating for practical solutions while also valuing dialogue, empathy, and cooperation. Her authoritative yet gentle speaking style reflects her deep connection to the community's traditions and values, as well as her spiritual beliefs. She leads the group in prayer and song, emphasizing themes of forgiveness and unity. Throughout the screenplay, Agata evolves from a figure burdened by her past to one who embraces her role as a leader, balancing her compassion with the necessity of making tough decisions for the safety of her community.



august

<ul><li>August is a complex and introspective character who embodies a calm and observant demeanor, often taking on a protective role within his community. He is deeply empathetic, particularly towards the women and children he interacts with, showing a willingness to listen and understand their struggles. His quiet strength and thoughtful nature allow him to serve as a mentor and guide, especially to Ona, as he navigates his own feelings of longing and uncertainty. August grapples with his faith and moral dilemmas, reflecting on his past while seeking to make a meaningful impact on the lives of those around him. His speaking style is measured and contemplative, often conveying wisdom and emotional depth through precise language and heartfelt expressions. He balances authority with vulnerability, making him a relatable and engaging figure who is deeply affected by the sacrifices and decisions of others.</li><li>Measured and contemplative, with a gentle and comforting tone that reflects his empathy and introspection.</li></ul>



salome

Salome is a multifaceted character who embodies strength, compassion, and resilience. She carries the weight of past traumas and societal judgments, which makes her reflective and introspective. As a nurturing mother figure, she guides the younger women in her community with warmth and empathy, often offering words of encouragement and support. Salome is determined and independent, challenging traditional gender roles and societal expectations. Her speaking style evolves throughout the feature, ranging from gentle and soothing when comforting her children to fiery and assertive when advocating for justice and change. She is deeply protective of her children, particularly her son Aaron, and grapples with the moral complexities of her decisions. Salome's emotional depth is evident as she navigates her conflicting desires for stability and the need for change, showcasing her vulnerability alongside her fierce resolve. Her journey reflects a balance between nurturing and assertiveness, making her a compelling and relatable character.



neitje

Neitje is a deeply introspective and artistic young woman who evolves throughout the feature. Initially portrayed as a thoughtful and observant girl, she expresses her complex emotions through her drawings, often reflecting on the challenges faced by her colony. As she matures, her speaking style transitions from gentle and reflective to a more solemn and assertive tone, showcasing her growth and maturity. Neitje is sensitive and caring, deeply concerned about her family's well-being, and often torn between the desire for safety and the fear of losing her loved ones. Her humor and light-heartedness provide comic relief, while her perceptive nature allows her to capture the essence of discussions among the women. As the story progresses, she becomes increasingly resourceful and determined, taking charge in organizing the women for their escape and demonstrating courage in dangerous situations. Her communication evolves from innocent curiosity to direct assertiveness, reflecting her development into a confident leader.



ona

Ona is a complex and resilient woman, embodying a rich tapestry of traits that reflect her depth and multifaceted nature. She is observant and insightful, often offering profound reflections on life, nature, and the moral implications of her actions. Her speaking style is poetic, contemplative, and introspective, infused with a touch of whimsy that adds wonder to her words. Ona is determined and passionate, advocating for justice, equality, and empowerment for women within her community. She possesses a strong sense of empathy, approaching conflicts with sensitivity and a nuanced perspective. As a dreamer, she envisions a future where women have agency, and her philosophical musings challenge the status quo. Despite her strength, Ona carries the weight of past traumas and difficult choices, which adds layers to her character. She is nurturing and wise, providing support and guidance to others, particularly in moments of crisis. Her calm and soothing presence fosters unity and solidarity among the women, while her resilience and determination shine through as she fights for her child's future and the collective hope of her community.



mariche

Mariche is a complex and multifaceted character who embodies strength, resilience, and vulnerability. As a stoic and strong-willed woman, she leads by example, inspiring those around her with her unwavering courage and determination in the face of adversity. However, she is also deeply conflicted, grappling with the oppressive gender dynamics of her colony and the expectations placed upon her as a woman. Her speaking style evolves throughout the feature; she begins with a firm and assertive tone, reflecting her protective nature as a mother of eight children, but gradually shifts to a more cautious and contemplative approach as she seeks understanding and consensus among the women. Mariche's journey is marked by her introspection and emotional turmoil as she confronts her past traumas, struggles with forgiveness, and navigates the weight of her decisions. Ultimately, she embodies a quiet strength that belies her inner turmoil, showcasing her resilience and willingness to change while prioritizing the safety and well-being of her family.



autje

Autje is a multifaceted character who embodies a playful spirit and a deep curiosity about the world around her. Initially, she brings lightness and humor to her group, often using jokes and teasing to uplift her friends. As the story progresses, her inquisitive nature leads her to question complex issues, particularly regarding gender identity and acceptance, showcasing her growth in understanding. Autje's observant and pragmatic side emerges as she challenges the status quo, prompting important conversations within the group. However, her impulsive and emotional tendencies create internal conflict, as she grapples with the weight of decisions and the dangers they face. Despite her anxiety, she remains determined and outspoken, pushing for action and change while maintaining a sense of urgency. Autje's loyalty and empathy shine through as she supports her friends, particularly Neitje, and expresses concern for those hesitant to join their cause. Her speaking style evolves from cheerful and humorous to direct and assertive, reflecting her journey from lightheartedness to a more grounded and resilient character who balances her vulnerabilities with strength.



mejal

Mejal is a resilient and determined woman, marked by physical scars that tell the story of her struggles. She possesses a quiet strength, often speaking with a pragmatic and no-nonsense demeanor that reflects her observant nature. Unapologetic about her smoking habit, she engages directly with others, providing grounded perspectives amidst chaos. Despite her bluntness, Mejal reveals a protective side towards those she cares about, showcasing her loyalty and fierce sense of justice. Her character is complex, oscillating between moments of emotional turmoil and introspection, haunted by past trauma that manifests in both primal screams and quiet contemplation. As a voice of reason, she often steers conversations towards practical solutions, yet her vulnerability and inner turmoil add depth to her character, making her both relatable and unpredictable. Mejal's speaking style is bold and assertive, emphasizing the importance of standing up for oneself and others, while also revealing her struggles with grief and the collective pain of her group.



scarface janz

Scarface Janz is a deeply rooted figure in her community, embodying a staunch belief in forgiveness and tradition. She speaks with conviction and authority, reflecting her unwavering commitment to her faith and community values. However, her internal struggles with the conflicting priorities of faith, survival, and family create a complex character marked by internal turmoil. Scarface carries the weight of past trauma, which manifests in her stoic demeanor and a strong sense of duty towards her family. While she is attentive and contemplative, especially in intimate moments like sewing with her daughters Anna and Helena, there is an underlying sadness and vulnerability that hints at her haunted past. Her speaking style evolves from passionate and fervent to measured and deliberate, showcasing her hesitance to engage in conflicts and her struggle to adapt to the changing dynamics within her community.



CharacterArcCritiqueSuggestions
greta Greta's character arc begins with her as a strong and pragmatic leader, deeply rooted in her community and family. As the story progresses, she faces challenges that force her to confront her past regrets and the potential need to leave her home for the safety of her family. This internal conflict leads her to a place of vulnerability, where she must balance her protective instincts with the desire for freedom and change. Ultimately, Greta evolves into a more open and adaptable figure, learning to embrace uncertainty while still providing support and guidance to her family. By the end of the feature, she emerges as a symbol of resilience and hope, having found a way to reconcile her past with her present, and fostering a sense of unity among the women in her community. While Greta's character is well-developed and multifaceted, her arc could benefit from a clearer progression of internal conflict and resolution. The screenplay presents her as a strong leader, but her journey towards vulnerability and adaptability could be more pronounced. The balance between her nurturing side and her pragmatic approach may sometimes feel inconsistent, leading to a lack of clarity in her motivations. Additionally, her humor, while a charming aspect of her character, could be better integrated into her growth, showing how it evolves in response to the challenges she faces. To improve Greta's character arc, consider emphasizing her internal struggles more explicitly throughout the screenplay. This could involve moments of doubt or fear that challenge her pragmatic nature, allowing for a more gradual transformation. Incorporating scenes that highlight her relationships with other characters, particularly Mariche, could deepen her emotional journey and showcase her growth. Additionally, her humor could be used as a coping mechanism that evolves as she confronts her past, ultimately leading to a more profound understanding of herself and her role within the community. Finally, ensure that her decisions regarding leaving or staying are tied to her character development, making her final choices resonate with the audience as a culmination of her journey.
agata Agata's character arc begins with her grappling with the weight of her family's history and the emotional scars it has left on her. Initially, she is portrayed as a nurturing yet conflicted figure, struggling to find her voice amidst the fears and doubts of her fellow women. As the story progresses, Agata becomes a more assertive leader, advocating for practical solutions and challenging traditional beliefs. She learns to balance her compassion with the need for decisive action, ultimately becoming a source of strength and unity for the group. By the climax, Agata fully embraces her role as a leader, guiding the women through a pivotal moment of crisis with wisdom and authority. In the resolution, she finds peace within herself, having reconciled her past traumas and emerged as a beacon of hope and resilience for her community. While Agata's character is rich and multifaceted, her arc could benefit from clearer moments of personal growth and transformation. The screenplay may risk portraying her as overly idealized, lacking significant flaws or challenges that could make her journey more relatable and compelling. Additionally, her evolution from a nurturing figure to a decisive leader could be more pronounced, with specific events that catalyze her change and force her to confront her vulnerabilities. To improve Agata's character arc, consider introducing a pivotal event that challenges her beliefs and forces her to confront her fears directly. This could be a moment where her compassion is tested against the need for tough decisions, leading to internal conflict. Additionally, incorporating moments of vulnerability where Agata struggles with her leadership role could add depth to her character. Showcasing her interactions with other characters, particularly those who challenge her views, could also enhance her growth. Finally, ensure that her journey culminates in a moment of self-acceptance, where she reconciles her past with her present, solidifying her role as a leader while remaining true to her compassionate nature.
august
  • August begins as a stoic figure, observing the struggles of the community with a sense of authority and responsibility. He is protective of the boys and empathetic towards the women, but he is also conflicted about his feelings for Ona.
  • As the story progresses, August becomes more introspective, grappling with his emotions and the moral complexities of the situation. He grows closer to the women, particularly Ona, and begins to confront his own vulnerabilities. His role as a teacher allows him to bridge gaps between perspectives, fostering understanding and support within the community.
  • In a pivotal moment, August must make a difficult decision that tests his values and relationships. He faces the reality of the women's departure and the impact it will have on him and the boys left behind. This moment forces him to confront his fears and desires, leading to a deeper understanding of his own identity.
  • By the end of the feature, August emerges as a more self-aware and compassionate individual. He learns to embrace his vulnerabilities and finds strength in his connections with others. His journey culminates in a renewed commitment to support the community, even as he navigates the changes brought about by the women's departure.
While August's character arc is rich and layered, it could benefit from clearer stakes and motivations. His internal struggles are compelling, but they sometimes feel overshadowed by the external conflicts of the story. Additionally, his relationship with Ona, while central to his development, could be explored in more depth to enhance emotional resonance. To improve August's character arc, consider incorporating more specific goals or desires that drive his actions throughout the screenplay. This could involve establishing a personal mission that aligns with the community's needs, giving him a clearer purpose. Additionally, deepen the exploration of his relationship with Ona by including more shared experiences or conflicts that challenge their bond. This would not only heighten the emotional stakes but also provide opportunities for August to demonstrate growth and change in response to their evolving dynamic.
salome Salome's character arc begins with her as a conflicted and nurturing figure, weighed down by past traumas and societal expectations. As the story progresses, she transforms into a strong-willed leader who challenges the status quo and advocates for the safety and empowerment of her community. Her journey is marked by moments of vulnerability, where she grapples with the moral implications of her choices, particularly regarding her children. By the climax, Salome emerges as a decisive and assertive character, willing to make sacrifices for her loved ones and the greater good. Ultimately, she finds a balance between her protective instincts and her desire for change, leading to a resolution where she embraces her role as both a mother and a leader. While Salome's character arc is rich and complex, it may benefit from clearer milestones that highlight her transformation. The emotional depth is present, but the progression from vulnerability to assertiveness could be more pronounced. Additionally, some of her motivations may feel repetitive, as her protective instincts and nurturing nature are emphasized throughout. This could lead to a lack of dynamic growth, making her character feel static at times. To improve Salome's character arc, consider introducing specific challenges or conflicts that force her to confront her vulnerabilities and push her towards growth. For instance, incorporating a pivotal moment where she must choose between her children's safety and her community's needs could create a more dramatic turning point. Additionally, showcasing her interactions with other characters who challenge her beliefs could add depth to her journey. Finally, ensuring that her assertiveness is built up gradually through smaller victories or realizations will make her transformation feel more organic and impactful.
neitje Neitje's character arc follows her journey from a quiet, introspective girl to a determined and resourceful leader. At the beginning of the feature, she is portrayed as a sensitive and artistic individual, using her drawings to express her emotions and observations. As the story unfolds, she faces various challenges that force her to confront her fears and insecurities. Through her interactions with others, she learns to navigate the complexities of her environment, gradually gaining confidence and assertiveness. By the climax, Neitje emerges as a strong leader, taking charge of the women's escape and demonstrating her ability to guide and protect her community. Her arc concludes with her embracing her role as a protector and leader, having transformed from a passive observer to an active participant in her own destiny. While Neitje's character arc is compelling, it could benefit from deeper exploration of her internal conflicts and motivations. The transition from a quiet girl to a confident leader feels somewhat abrupt, and the screenplay could enhance her development by providing more moments of vulnerability and self-doubt. Additionally, her relationships with other characters could be further fleshed out to create a more nuanced understanding of her growth. The balance between her artistic nature and her leadership role could also be better integrated, allowing her creativity to play a more significant role in problem-solving and decision-making. To improve Neitje's character arc, consider incorporating more scenes that highlight her internal struggles and the emotional weight of her responsibilities. This could include moments of doubt where she questions her ability to lead or fears for her loved ones, allowing the audience to connect with her on a deeper level. Additionally, explore her relationships with other characters, particularly those who challenge or support her, to create a richer narrative tapestry. Integrating her artistic talents into her leadership style could also provide a unique angle, showcasing how her creativity aids in problem-solving and fosters unity among the women. Finally, pacing her transformation more gradually could enhance the believability of her arc, allowing for a more satisfying and relatable journey.
ona Ona's character arc begins with her as a contemplative and introspective figure, grappling with her past traumas and the uncertainties of her future, particularly regarding her pregnancy. As the story progresses, she evolves into a determined advocate for justice and empowerment, standing up for herself and others in the face of adversity. Her journey is marked by moments of self-discovery, where she learns to balance her vulnerability with her strength. By the climax, Ona emerges as a unifying force within the group, embodying hope and resilience. She ultimately finds clarity and direction, leading her community towards a more equitable future, while also reconciling her personal struggles with her role as a mother and leader. Ona's character arc is compelling and rich, showcasing her growth from a reflective individual to a determined advocate. However, the arc could benefit from clearer stakes and challenges that force her to confront her vulnerabilities more directly. While her resilience is admirable, there are moments where her internal conflicts could be more pronounced, allowing the audience to connect with her struggles on a deeper level. Additionally, the transition from her contemplative nature to her role as an advocate could be more gradual, highlighting the pivotal moments that catalyze her transformation. To improve Ona's character arc, consider introducing specific external conflicts that challenge her beliefs and force her to confront her past traumas more directly. This could involve a significant event that threatens her community or her child, prompting her to take a stand. Additionally, incorporating moments of doubt or failure could add depth to her journey, allowing her to grow through adversity. Highlighting key relationships that influence her transformation—such as mentorship from another character or a pivotal moment with her child—could also enhance her development. Finally, ensuring that her advocacy for justice is tied to personal stakes will create a more emotionally resonant arc, making her journey feel both personal and universal.
mariche Mariche's character arc begins with her as a strong yet conflicted leader, torn between her responsibilities as a mother and her desire for personal freedom. Initially, she is protective and assertive, often confronting the group's decisions to ensure their safety. As the story progresses, she faces internal and external challenges that force her to confront her past traumas and the oppressive societal norms that bind her. Through her journey, Mariche evolves from a cautious and skeptical figure into a more empathetic and understanding leader who values consensus and collaboration among the women. By the climax, she embraces her vulnerability and learns to forgive herself and others, ultimately finding a balance between her duties and her desires. In the resolution, Mariche emerges as a more liberated and empowered individual, ready to lead her family and community toward a hopeful future. While Mariche's character arc is rich and layered, it may benefit from a clearer progression of her internal conflicts and resolutions. The transitions between her various states of mind could be more pronounced, allowing the audience to witness her growth in a more tangible way. Additionally, her relationships with other characters could be further developed to highlight her influence and the impact of her decisions on those around her. This would create a more dynamic interplay between her personal journey and the collective struggles of the women in the colony. To improve Mariche's character arc, consider incorporating more pivotal moments that challenge her beliefs and force her to confront her fears directly. This could include key interactions with other characters that serve as catalysts for her growth. Additionally, introducing a mentor or a foil character could provide contrasting perspectives that deepen her internal conflict. It may also be beneficial to include specific scenes that showcase her gradual shift from a protective, confrontational stance to one of empathy and collaboration, allowing the audience to witness her transformation in real-time. Finally, ensuring that her final decisions resonate with her earlier struggles will create a more cohesive and satisfying arc.
autje Autje's character arc follows her transformation from a playful and carefree young woman to a resilient and protective figure who confronts her fears and embraces her role as a leader. Initially, she uses humor to navigate her relationships and avoid deeper issues. As she becomes more aware of the complexities of her environment and the challenges her group faces, she begins to question her beliefs and the status quo. This internal struggle culminates in moments of impulsiveness and emotional turmoil, where she must confront her anxieties and the consequences of her actions. Ultimately, Autje emerges as a determined and supportive leader, advocating for unity and courage among her friends while learning to balance her impulsive nature with thoughtful decision-making. While Autje's character arc is compelling, it risks becoming somewhat disjointed due to the rapid shifts between her playful and serious sides. The screenplay may benefit from a more gradual development of her emotional depth, allowing audiences to witness her transformation in a more cohesive manner. Additionally, her impulsiveness, while a key trait, could be better integrated into her growth, showing how she learns to channel it constructively rather than allowing it to lead to conflict. To improve Autje's character arc, consider incorporating more scenes that highlight her internal struggles and the consequences of her impulsive actions. This could involve moments where her humor fails to diffuse tension, leading to deeper reflections on her role within the group. Additionally, providing her with a mentor or a pivotal experience that challenges her views could facilitate her growth. Finally, ensure that her emotional journey is mirrored in her relationships with other characters, allowing for more nuanced interactions that showcase her development from a playful spirit to a grounded leader.
mejal Throughout the screenplay, Mejal embarks on a journey of healing and self-discovery. Initially, she is portrayed as a pragmatic protector, focused on maintaining order and addressing conflicts within the group. As the story progresses, her emotional struggles become more pronounced, leading her to confront her past trauma. This confrontation catalyzes her transformation from a guarded individual to someone who embraces vulnerability and seeks connection with others. By the climax, Mejal learns to balance her fierce loyalty with the need for self-care, ultimately finding strength in her vulnerability. In the resolution, she emerges as a more integrated person, capable of expressing her emotions while still being a steadfast protector for her loved ones. Mejal's character arc is compelling, showcasing a blend of resilience and vulnerability. However, the transitions between her various emotional states could be more nuanced. At times, her shifts from pragmatic to emotional feel abrupt, which may detract from the audience's ability to fully connect with her journey. Additionally, while her protective nature is well-established, there could be more exploration of her relationships with other characters to deepen the impact of her loyalty and sense of justice. To improve Mejal's character arc, consider incorporating more gradual transitions between her emotional states, allowing the audience to witness her internal struggles in real-time. This could be achieved through more intimate interactions with other characters, where her vulnerabilities are revealed in a safe space. Additionally, introducing a mentor or a pivotal relationship that challenges her views on vulnerability could provide a richer narrative. Finally, including moments where Mejal's protective instincts lead to conflict or misjudgment could add complexity to her character, making her eventual growth more impactful.
scarface janz Throughout the screenplay, Scarface Janz undergoes a significant transformation. Initially, she is a staunch defender of tradition, clashing with those who question the colony's beliefs. As the story progresses, her internal conflicts force her to confront her past traumas and the rigidity of her beliefs. A pivotal moment occurs when she must choose between her unwavering faith and the survival of her family, leading her to embrace a more nuanced understanding of forgiveness and community. By the end of the feature, Scarface emerges as a more open-minded and compassionate figure, willing to adapt her beliefs to better serve her family and community, ultimately finding a balance between tradition and change. While Scarface Janz is a compelling character with a rich internal conflict, her arc could benefit from clearer stakes and more dynamic interactions with other characters. The initial portrayal of her as a staunch traditionalist may risk making her seem one-dimensional if not balanced with moments of vulnerability and growth. Additionally, her transformation could be more pronounced, with specific events or relationships that catalyze her change rather than a gradual evolution that may feel less impactful. To improve Scarface Janz's character arc, consider introducing a mentor or a foil character who challenges her beliefs more directly, prompting her to confront her values. Incorporating flashbacks or moments of reflection could deepen the audience's understanding of her past trauma and its influence on her current behavior. Additionally, creating a climactic moment where she must choose between her traditional values and the well-being of her family could serve as a powerful turning point, making her eventual acceptance of change more impactful. Finally, ensure that her relationships with her daughters evolve throughout the story, reflecting her growth and the shifting dynamics within the family.
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern Explanation
High Overall Grade, but Inconsistent Emotional ImpactThe screenplay consistently receives high overall grades (mostly 9s), indicating strong concept, plot, characters, and dialogue. However, emotional impact scores fluctuate significantly, ranging from very high (9s) to very low (2s and 3s). This suggests a potential disconnect between the narrative's technical aspects and its emotional resonance. While the story elements are strong, the emotional impact isn't consistently delivered. Review scenes 6, 18, 28, 29, 51, and 53 specifically to identify what's hindering the emotional connection with the audience. Consider if the emotional beats are well-placed, clearly expressed, or properly developed. Over-reliance on descriptive tone without corresponding emotional expression might be an issue.
Reflective Tone and Lower Emotional ImpactScenes with a prominent "Reflective" tone (appearing frequently in the tone descriptions) often have lower scores in "Emotional Impact." This could indicate that the reflective scenes, while well-written (high dialogue and character scores often accompany them), might lack sufficient emotional weight or direct emotional expression. Explore ways to blend reflection with more palpable emotion to heighten the audience's connection to the characters' internal struggles and experiences. Consider adding more action or subtext in these scenes.
High Concept/Plot Scores and High Dialogue Scores Suggest Strong NarrativeThe screenplay consistently scores high in 'Concept' and 'Plot,' suggesting a well-structured and engaging narrative framework. This is further supported by high 'Dialogue' scores in many scenes, indicating strong character interactions and witty exchanges. This is a significant strength of the screenplay.
Tension and High Stakes Often Co-occur but Not Always Lead to High Emotional ImpactScenes with high 'High Stakes' and 'Tension' scores don't always translate to high 'Emotional Impact' scores. While creating tension and high stakes is important, it’s crucial to ensure that these elements are tied directly to character emotions and motivations, to elicit an impactful response from the audience. Pay special attention to the link between the external conflict and the characters' internal emotional journeys.
Character Changes Score is Relatively Consistent, Suggesting Steady Character ArcsThe scores for 'Character Changes' show a fairly consistent level (mostly 7s and 8s), suggesting the characters undergo steady and believable development throughout the story. This is a positive indication of well-paced character arcs. However, the lack of major spikes could suggest there is room to explore more significant turning points in character arcs for greater narrative impact.
Humorous Elements in Serious Scenes: A Potential for Ironic UndercuttingThe inclusion of "Humorous" elements within primarily serious or somber tones (scenes 17, 19, 24, 26) may be a deliberate stylistic choice, but it warrants careful consideration. The impact of these humorous elements needs to be evaluated, ensuring they serve to enhance the narrative, rather than unintentionally undercutting the serious tone. Assess if these instances successfully add depth or if they might jar the viewer's emotional experience. If the intent is indeed ironic undercutting, ensure that the humor is nuanced and integrated organically.
Strong Concept and Dialogue, But Dialogue Scores occasionally fall below other elements in reflective scenesWhile the concept is consistently rated highly, some reflective scenes show a dip in dialogue scores, which could indicate an over-reliance on internal monologues and lack of dynamic interactions, impacting the emotional connection. Consider if the dialogue adequately conveys the reflective tones or if it could be sharpened for more impact.


Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

The screenplay demonstrates a strong ability to create emotional depth and thematic resonance, particularly through evocative language and imagery. The writer excels at capturing intimate character moments and exploring complex internal conflicts. However, there's a recurring need to refine scene structure, pacing, and dialogue to maximize the impact of these emotionally resonant moments. While the writer shows a talent for creating atmosphere and tension, consistency in these areas needs improvement. The frequent suggestions for reading 'The Screenwriter's Bible' highlight a potential lack of foundational knowledge in screenwriting structure and formatting.

Key Improvement Areas

Scene Structure and Pacing
Many scene analyses mention the need to improve scene structure and pacing. While the emotional core of the scenes is strong, the overall effectiveness could be enhanced by a stronger grasp of dramatic structure and pacing techniques.
Dialogue
Several analyses suggest practicing dialogue exercises to improve character voices, interactions, and the conveyance of subtext. While evocative language is present, the dialogue's effectiveness in driving plot and revealing character could be strengthened.
Character Development
While many scenes effectively convey character emotions, several analyses suggest deepening character motivations, internal conflicts, and goals. A more in-depth exploration of character arcs would improve the overall narrative.

Suggestions

Type Suggestion Rationale
Book 'The Screenwriter's Bible' by David Trottier This book provides a comprehensive guide to screenwriting structure, formatting, and storytelling techniques, directly addressing recurring feedback on scene structure and pacing.
Book 'Story: Substance, Structure, Style and the Principles of Screenwriting' by Robert McKee McKee's book offers in-depth insights into character development, plot structure, and narrative techniques, which would help the writer build more compelling and impactful scenes.
Screenplay A selection of screenplays with diverse styles, including those by Terrence Malick ('Days of Heaven', 'The Tree of Life'), Chloé Zhao ('The Rider'), and Kelly Reichardt ('Certain Women'), as well as examples of strong dialogue-driven narratives. Studying these screenplays will provide exposure to various storytelling approaches and techniques, helping the writer develop their unique voice while learning from masters of the craft.
Video Online resources on scene analysis and pacing (e.g., YouTube tutorials, Masterclass videos on screenwriting). Visual learning complements reading and writing exercises. These videos can offer practical insights into analyzing successful scenes and improving pacing and structure.
Stories Similar to this one

Story Explanation
The Handmaid's Tale Both narratives explore themes of female oppression and the struggle for autonomy within a patriarchal society. The characters face shared trauma and must navigate complex familial and societal dynamics, similar to the Reimer, Friesen, and Janz women.
Little Women This story focuses on the lives of four sisters as they navigate personal and societal challenges. The themes of familial bonds, personal growth, and the struggle for independence resonate with the dynamics among the women in the screenplay.
The Color Purple Both stories delve into the lives of women facing abuse and societal constraints, highlighting their resilience and the importance of sisterhood. The emotional depth and exploration of trauma are central to both narratives.
Atonement This narrative features themes of guilt, trauma, and the impact of past actions on relationships. The use of flashbacks to reveal deeper emotional truths parallels the visual style hinted at in the screenplay.
The Crucible Both stories depict a community grappling with fear, suspicion, and the consequences of collective trauma. The tension between personal beliefs and societal expectations is a central theme in both narratives.
The Joy Luck Club This story explores the relationships between mothers and daughters across generations, emphasizing cultural identity and shared experiences. The focus on women's voices and their struggles resonates with the themes in the screenplay.
Wild Both narratives involve a journey of self-discovery and healing following trauma. The exploration of personal struggles and the connection to nature are significant themes in both stories.
The Secret Life of Bees This story centers on the bond between women and their fight against societal norms. Themes of empowerment, healing, and the importance of community are prevalent in both narratives.
The Nightingale Both narratives highlight the resilience of women during times of crisis, focusing on their sacrifices and the impact of war on familial relationships. The emotional weight and historical context create a similar tone.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope Trope Details Trope Explanation
Shared Trauma
Strong Female Characters
Coming of Age
The Power of Community
Mysterious Past
The Mentor
The Journey
Forbidden Love
The Call to Action
The Final Stand


Theme Theme Details Themee Explanation
Female Agency and SurvivalThe core narrative revolves around women actively challenging their oppressive situation, making difficult choices about survival, and ultimately choosing to leave the colony to escape abuse and seek a better future. The process of voting, planning, and executing their escape is central.This theme explores the power dynamics between men and women in a patriarchal society and how women find strength and resilience in the face of adversity. It emphasizes the importance of self-determination and the fight for freedom.
Strengthening Female Agency and Survival:
Suggestion Type How to Strengthen the Theme
Character Arc Expand Salome's arc to showcase her evolution from a victim of violence to a proactive protector. Instead of simply reacting to trauma in Scene 13, show her actively strategizing for her daughter's safety throughout the film. Her actions in Scene 56 (incapacitating Scarface Janz) should be foreshadowed by earlier scenes showing her resourcefulness and growing determination to fight for survival.
Story Arc Introduce a subplot involving the creation of a secret network among the women. This could begin subtly (e.g., silent signals, coded messages in Neitje's drawings) and build to a major moment where their collective planning and communication enable their escape in Scene 59. This strengthens the theme of female solidarity and agency.
Visual Develop a consistent visual motif to represent female agency. For instance, use recurring imagery of hands – hands working together, hands holding weapons, hands protecting children – to visually reinforce the theme throughout the film, subtly tying together various scenes of female strength and resilience.
Dialogue - Scene 16, 26, 36 Enhance the dialogues in scenes involving group discussions (scenes 16, 26, and 36) to explicitly address the women's agency. Instead of passively debating staying or leaving, show them actively devising plans, assigning roles, and strategizing for their escape. Include more assertive language and direct expressions of their refusal to be victims.
Action - Scene 59 Re-envision the escape scene (Scene 59) to highlight the women's active participation. Show them not just passively loading buggies but also strategically securing their supplies, making sure children are safe, and even employing tactics to evade pursuers. This emphasizes their active role in ensuring their own survival and the survival of their children.
Trauma and HealingRecurring flashbacks and the women's shared experiences of violence and abuse, coupled with their ongoing emotional struggles, reveal deep-seated trauma and the long road to healing. This trauma is a driving force behind their decision to escape and a key element to understanding their individual choices.The screenplay explores the lasting impacts of trauma on individuals and communities, as well as the challenges and possibilities of healing and finding strength even in the face of horrific experiences.
Faith and ForgivenessThe women's faith is both a source of strength and a point of contention. Some advocate for forgiveness, rooted in their religious beliefs, while others see it as a betrayal of their own safety and the well-being of their children. The tension between faith and self-preservation is explored.This theme examines the complexities of faith in the context of immense suffering and explores the internal conflict between adhering to religious dogma and prioritizing personal survival and justice.
Gender Roles and Power DynamicsThe screenplay examines the deeply ingrained gender roles within the colony and how those roles contribute to the women's oppression. The roles of men and women, their interaction, and the women’s collective power to overcome the power imbalance are key elements.This theme looks at how societal structures and expectations reinforce inequalities and limit opportunities for women. It highlights the systemic nature of the women's oppression and their resistance to it.



Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site Description
Studio Binder Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts
Voice Analysis
Summary: The writer's voice is characterized by a potent blend of poetic introspection and gritty realism. It's deeply empathetic, focusing on the internal lives and emotional struggles of women facing societal oppression and trauma. The voice utilizes vivid imagery, both in visual descriptions and metaphorical language, to create a powerful atmosphere of tension, resilience, and quiet defiance. While there's a pervasive sense of melancholy and the weight of the past, the voice also allows for moments of humor and lightheartedness, revealing the characters' strength and ability to find joy amidst hardship.
Voice Contribution The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a profound sense of emotional depth and authenticity. The nuanced portrayal of female characters grappling with trauma and societal expectations enhances the themes of resilience, forgiveness, and the search for autonomy. The vivid imagery and evocative language create a richly textured world that immerses the audience in the characters' experiences. The blend of poetic introspection and gritty realism adds layers of complexity, preventing the narrative from becoming overly sentimental or didactic. The subtle humor and moments of lightness provide a counterpoint to the pervasive sense of melancholy, highlighting the characters' remarkable strength and capacity for hope.
Best Representation Scene 3 - Silent Suffering
Best Scene Explanation This scene best encapsulates the writer's unique voice because it masterfully combines vivid visual imagery with introspective narration to highlight the stark contrast between the suffering of the women and the obliviousness of the men. The juxtaposition of the physical brutality endured by the women on the dusty road with the silent prayer inside the church powerfully conveys the societal injustice and the emotional weight of their experience. The use of August's voiceover provides insightful commentary on the societal judgment and misunderstanding, deepening the emotional impact and thematic resonance of the scene. This scene effectively showcases the blend of poetic introspection and gritty realism, a hallmark of the writer's distinctive style.
Originality
  • Overall originality score: 9
  • Overall originality explanation: The screenplay presents a highly original narrative that explores complex themes such as trauma, empowerment, gender dynamics, and community resilience within a conservative setting. Each scene introduces fresh perspectives and unique character interactions, often blending emotional depth with symbolic imagery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes significantly to the screenplay's originality, making it resonate with audiences on multiple levels.
  • Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay are the women's collective decision-making process in the face of societal judgment and personal trauma, the exploration of gender identity through characters like Nettie/Melvin, and the use of visual symbolism, such as Neitje's drawings and the significance of the Census Truck. Additionally, the portrayal of intimate moments, such as the women's rituals and the nurturing relationships among them, adds layers of originality.
  • Overall unpredictability score: 8
  • Overall unpredictability explanation: The screenplay maintains a high level of unpredictability through its intricate character dynamics and the evolving conflicts that arise from their circumstances. The characters' decisions, particularly regarding their safety and the potential for violence, create a sense of tension and uncertainty. The unexpected twists, such as Salome's violent confrontation with Scarface Janz and the emotional revelations among the women, keep the audience engaged and guessing about the outcomes of their struggles.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal GoalsThroughout the screenplay, the protagonist evolves from a state of vulnerability and isolation to one of empowerment and collective agency. Initially, they seek personal safety and understanding in light of the injustice they face. As the narrative progresses, their goals shift toward advocating for justice, protecting their loved ones, and creating a unified front against oppression.
External Goals The protagonist's external goals evolve from merely surviving the oppressive environment to actively participating in a collective decision to fight for their safety and freedom. Their journey leads them to advocate for the well-being of their community and children, ultimately culminating in a united effort to escape their oppressive circumstances.
Philosophical Conflict The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around the tension between the values of obedience and submission to traditional norms versus the pursuit of personal and collective autonomy. This conflict manifests in the women's struggle against a patriarchal system that suppresses their voices and decisions.


Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflicts enrich the protagonist's development by transforming them from a passive individual to an empowered leader. They gain confidence and a sense of identity as they navigate the complexities and dangers surrounding them, forging deeper bonds with their community.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The evolving goals and conflicts drive the narrative forward, propelling characters into decisive actions that shape the story’s direction. The decisions made by the protagonist and others create a compelling arc that builds tension and resolution.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the thematic depth by exploring the intricacies of justice, sacrifice, and the quest for freedom. They allow for a nuanced examination of societal pressures, personal agency, and the resilience of women in the face of adversity.


Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site Description
Creative Screenwriting How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?
World Building
  • Physical environment: The screenplay depicts a rural, agrarian world, primarily set within a secluded Mennonite-like colony. The environment is characterized by fields (soy, etc.), barns, haylofts, a schoolhouse, farmhouses, a washhouse, a chicken coop, dusty roads, and other structures typical of a simple, agricultural community. The natural world—sunrises, sunsets, stars, fields—is frequently shown, contrasting with the human-built structures. There's a sense of both beauty and harshness to this environment.
  • Culture: The colony's culture is deeply religious, emphasizing faith, forgiveness, and traditional gender roles. Pacifism is a stated value, though this is challenged by the events of the story. There are strong community bonds and communal rituals (foot washing, hymn singing). Women's artistic expression (drawing) is present, but their voices are often suppressed. The community's interaction with outside forces is limited, although the census is a point of friction, and eventually, external forces such as the police are drawn into the conflict.
  • Society: The society is rigidly patriarchal, with men holding significant power and control over women. This power dynamic is the central conflict of the story. Women are marginalized, subject to abuse, and largely excluded from decision-making processes at first. However, the screenplay shows the women gradually finding their agency and collective voice. Family units are important, and there is a strong sense of familial ties, though these relationships are often strained by the patriarchal structure and the shared trauma.
  • Technology: Technology is minimal and primarily pre-industrial. Buggies, scythes, lanterns, and other simple tools are prevalent. The modern world intrudes briefly through a census truck and the eventual need for police intervention. The limited technology emphasizes the isolation and the contrast between the traditional ways of life within the colony and the external world.
  • Characters influence: The oppressive patriarchal society shapes the characters' experiences profoundly. Women are initially constrained by their roles and afraid to speak out. Their actions are driven by a desire for safety, justice, and agency for themselves and their children. The men's actions are largely defined by their abuse of power and their attempts to maintain control. The limited technology and isolated setting reinforce the feeling of confinement and the characters' struggle for autonomy.
  • Narrative contribution: The world-building contributes to the narrative by creating a sense of claustrophobia and tension. The isolated setting allows for the focus to remain on the community's internal conflicts and the women's gradual empowerment. The stark contrast between the peaceful, idyllic aspects of the environment and the violence and oppression creates dramatic irony and suspense. The cyclical nature of events drives the narrative forward.
  • Thematic depth contribution: The world-building significantly contributes to the thematic depth by exploring themes of faith versus action, patriarchal oppression and female empowerment, the complexities of forgiveness and justice, the importance of community and family, and the resilience of the human spirit. The simple, almost timeless setting allows these themes to resonate more powerfully, transcending the specific context of the colony to speak to broader societal issues.
Story Engine Analysis

central conflict

The struggle of women in a patriarchal society to reclaim their autonomy and protect their children from abusive men while grappling with their faith and the consequences of their choices.

primary motivations

  • The desire for safety and freedom from oppression.
  • The need to protect their children from harm.
  • The quest for forgiveness and understanding amidst trauma.
  • The longing for connection and love in a fractured community.

catalysts

  • The arrival of men from the city, threatening the women's safety.
  • The women's realization of their shared trauma and the need for collective action.
  • The decision to vote on whether to stay and fight or leave the colony.

barriers

  • Internalized beliefs about forgiveness and faith that conflict with the need for self-defense.
  • The societal norms that dictate women's roles and limit their agency.
  • Fear of retribution from the men if they choose to rebel or leave.

themes

  • Feminism and empowerment.
  • The impact of trauma and the struggle for healing.
  • The complexity of forgiveness and moral dilemmas.
  • Community and solidarity among women.

stakes

The safety and future of the women and children, the potential for a new life outside the colony, and the moral implications of their choices regarding forgiveness and violence.

uniqueness factor

The story uniquely intertwines themes of faith, trauma, and female empowerment within a specific cultural context, highlighting the resilience of women in the face of systemic oppression.

audience hook

The emotional depth of the characters' struggles and the tension between their desires for freedom and the constraints of their environment will engage viewers.

paradoxical engine or bisociation

The juxtaposition of the women's nurturing roles as mothers with their emerging identities as fighters against oppression creates a paradox that drives the narrative forward.

paradoxical engine or bisociation 2

The contrast between their faith in forgiveness and the instinct for self-preservation illustrates the complexity of human emotions and decisions in dire circumstances.


Engine: Gemini

Screenplay Rating:

Highly Recommend

Executive Summary

Sarah Polley's 'Women Talking' is a remarkably compelling and nuanced screenplay that transcends its seemingly simple premise. The film's strength lies in its insightful exploration of trauma, faith, and female agency within a deeply patriarchal community. While some might find the pacing deliberate, this allows for profound character development and thematic resonance. The screenplay's unique structure and powerful dialogue contribute to a truly unforgettable cinematic experience.

Strengths
  • The screenplay excels in its depiction of the women's complex discussions. The dialogue is realistic, nuanced, and often deeply moving, allowing for a rich exploration of their individual experiences and beliefs. The debate is both intellectually stimulating and emotionally resonant. high ( Scene 14   Scene 22   Scene 24   Scene 51   Scene 59   )
  • The use of flashbacks is masterful, subtly woven into the narrative and serving to deepen our understanding of the women's trauma without overwhelming the present-day discussions. The short, impactful flashbacks are highly effective. high ( Scene 4   Scene 15   Scene 18   Scene 31   Scene 54   )
  • The character arcs are well-defined and believable. Each woman's journey is unique, yet they are all united by their shared experiences and their collective struggle for justice and change. We see growth and transformation in each of them. high ( Scene 8   Scene 14   Scene 24   Scene 51   Scene 59   )
  • The screenplay effectively balances intense emotional scenes with moments of quiet reflection and humor. This prevents the narrative from becoming overly heavy, allowing for a more well-rounded and engaging viewing experience. medium ( Scene 5   Scene 20   Scene 30   Scene 35   Scene 40   )
  • The ending is both powerful and subtly ambiguous, leaving the audience with lingering questions and a sense of hope. The use of voiceover adds depth and emotional resonance to the final scenes. high ( Scene 86   Scene 87   Scene 88   Scene 89   Scene 90   )
Areas of Improvement
  • While the pacing is generally deliberate and effective, some viewers might find certain discussions lengthy or repetitive. A few subtle cuts could maintain the emotional impact without sacrificing the richness of the dialogue. low
  • The resolution of the plot might feel somewhat abrupt for some. While the focus is on the women's decision and emotional journey, expanding on the immediate aftermath of their departure could provide a more complete sense of closure. low
MissingElements
  • There could be more focus on the individual lives of the women outside the hayloft meetings. Showing more of their daily routines and relationships with their children and families could provide more context and emotional depth. medium
NotablePoints
  • The film cleverly uses the perspective of August, the schoolteacher taking minutes, to frame the narrative. His observations provide valuable context and insight into the colony's dynamics. medium ( Scene 2   Scene 3   Scene 7   )
  • The screenplay effectively uses the visual language of the film to enhance the narrative impact. The slow-motion flashbacks, for example, highlight the brutality of the attacks without being gratuitous. high
  • The use of sound design is particularly effective. The recurring “roar” during the flashback sequences underscores the trauma while the contrasts between silence and the cacophony of the women’s collective voice strengthens the overall impact. high ( Scene 9   Scene 45   Scene 62   )
Blind Spots
  • Underrepresentation of male perspectives While the screenplay understandably focuses on the women's experiences, the limited portrayal of male perspectives beyond the abusers might lead to a somewhat one-sided depiction of the colony's dynamics. Showing more complexity in the responses of some men who may be sympathetic could add layers to the story. medium

Engine: Claude

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay for "Women Talking" is a powerful and nuanced exploration of a group of women in a remote Mennonite colony who must grapple with the aftermath of a series of sexual assaults against them. Masterfully written, the script deftly navigates complex themes of faith, morality, and the struggle for self-determination in the face of patriarchal oppression. The ensemble cast of characters is richly developed, each woman's journey intertwining with the others as they collectively decide whether to stay and fight or leave the colony entirely. The screenplay's strength lies in its ability to balance profound emotional moments with moments of dark humor, creating a multi-layered and deeply affecting narrative. Overall, "Women Talking" is a thoughtful, impactful, and wholly original work that would make for a compelling and timely cinematic experience.

Strengths
  • The opening scene effectively establishes the central conflict and sets the stage for the women's journey, as they grapple with the reality of the attacks and their desire for justice. high ( Scene 4 (4)   )
  • The foot-washing ritual scene is a powerful metaphor for the women's sense of community and their desire to honor their shared experience, creating a strong emotional foundation for the story. high ( Scene 8 (10)   )
  • The extended dialogue in the hayloft allows the characters to fully explore the complexities of their decision, showcasing the script's depth and nuance. high ( Scene 14 (14)   )
  • The script's balance of profound emotional moments and dark humor creates a compelling and multifaceted narrative that resonates with the audience. high
  • The ensemble cast of richly developed characters, each with their own unique perspective and arc, drives the story forward in a natural and compelling way. high
Areas of Improvement
  • The screenplay could benefit from a clearer exploration of the women's interactions with the "do nothing" group, as this plotline is not fully developed and could be a source of additional conflict and tension. medium ( Scene 45   )
  • The transition between the women's decision to leave and the focus on August and the boys could be more seamless, to maintain the momentum and emotional impact of the women's journey. medium ( Scene 60 (62)   )
  • The screenplay could benefit from a more distinct and consistently-applied visual style, to help establish the unique tone and atmosphere of the Mennonite colony. medium
MissingElements
  • The screenplay could potentially be enriched by the inclusion of more moments that highlight the women's spiritual and religious beliefs, beyond the brief references to scripture and hymns, to further explore the role of faith in their decision-making process. medium
  • While the screenplay effectively explores the women's collective journey, there could be an opportunity to delve deeper into the individual characters' backstories and motivations, to provide a more holistic understanding of their perspectives. medium
NotablePoints
  • Greta's story about the horses and her driving metaphor is a beautifully-crafted moment that effectively illustrates the women's need for a new perspective and the courage to take a leap of faith. high ( Scene 58   )
  • Ona's decision to forgive the men and her willingness to see them as fellow victims of the patriarchal system is a powerful and nuanced character moment that adds depth to the narrative. high ( Scene 54 (54)   )
  • The screenplay's exploration of the role of masculinity and the impact of patriarchal oppression is a timely and relevant theme that resonates strongly with the story's central conflict. high
Blind Spots
  • Potential lack of diverse perspectives While the screenplay effectively explores the perspectives of the Mennonite women, there is a possibility that the writer may have a limited understanding of the diverse experiences and cultural nuances within the Mennonite community. Additional research or consultation with members of the Mennonite community could help to enrich the script and ensure a more authentic and comprehensive portrayal of this marginalized group. medium
Amateur Giveaways
  • Occasional exposition heavy dialogue There are a few instances where the characters engage in dialogue that feels a bit too expository, particularly when explaining concepts or providing information that the audience could likely infer from the context. While these moments are relatively infrequent, they could benefit from a more natural, show-don't-tell approach to conveying information. low

Engine: GPT4

Screenplay Rating:

Highly Recommend

Executive Summary

The screenplay for 'Women Talking' presents a powerful exploration of female agency, trauma, and the struggle for autonomy within a patriarchal society. The dialogue-driven narrative effectively captures the emotional weight of the characters' experiences while maintaining a consistent thematic focus on the complexities of forgiveness and the quest for freedom. The character arcs are well-developed, leading to a compelling climax that resonates with contemporary social issues.

Strengths
  • The dialogue is rich and layered, allowing for deep character exploration and emotional resonance. high ( Scene 4 (4)   Scene 10 (10)   )
  • The character arcs are well-developed, showcasing growth and transformation throughout the narrative. high ( Scene 14 (14)   Scene 51 (51)   )
  • The screenplay maintains a consistent thematic focus on forgiveness and the quest for freedom, enhancing its emotional impact. high ( Scene 1 (1)   Scene 80 (80)   )
  • The use of visual imagery and symbolism throughout the screenplay adds depth to the narrative. medium ( Scene 22 (22)   Scene 86 (86)   )
  • The emotional stakes are consistently high, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys. high ( Scene 19 (19)   Scene 59 (59)   )
Areas of Improvement
  • Some scenes could benefit from tighter pacing to maintain momentum and avoid dragging. medium ( Scene 11 (11)   )
  • There are moments where exposition could be more subtly integrated into the dialogue to enhance natural flow. medium ( Scene 6 (6)   )
  • Certain character motivations could be more clearly defined to avoid confusion about their choices. medium ( Scene 12 (12)   )
  • The screenplay occasionally relies on clichés that could be replaced with more original expressions. low ( Scene 30 (30)   )
  • Some supporting characters could be further developed to enhance the overall narrative depth. medium ( Scene 44 (44)   )
MissingElements
  • A more diverse range of perspectives from the women could enrich the narrative and provide a fuller picture of their experiences. high ( Scene 5 (5)   )
  • The screenplay could benefit from additional context regarding the historical and cultural background of the colony. medium ( Scene 8 (8)   )
  • More exploration of the men's perspectives could provide a more balanced view of the conflict. low ( Scene 3 (3)   )
  • The emotional aftermath of the women's decisions could be further explored to enhance the narrative's impact. medium ( Scene 24 (24)   )
  • A clearer resolution for some character arcs would provide a more satisfying conclusion. medium ( Scene 19 (19)   )
NotablePoints
  • The opening sequence effectively sets the tone and context for the story, drawing the audience in immediately. high ( Scene 1 (1)   )
  • The use of flashbacks adds depth to the characters' trauma and motivations, enhancing emotional engagement. high ( Scene 10 (10)   )
  • The final scene leaves a lasting impression, encapsulating the themes of hope and resilience. high ( Scene 80 (80)   )
  • The interactions between characters are often laced with humor, providing relief amidst the heavy themes. medium ( Scene 22 (22)   )
  • The screenplay's exploration of motherhood and protection resonates deeply, making it relatable to a wide audience. high ( Scene 44 (44)   )
Blind Spots
  • Character Development While the main characters are well-developed, some supporting characters lack depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them fully. For example, the motivations of characters like Scarface Janz could be explored further to enhance their complexity. medium
Amateur Giveaways
  • Exposition There are instances where exposition feels heavy-handed, particularly in scenes where characters explain their feelings or motivations rather than showing them through action or dialogue. This can detract from the natural flow of the narrative. medium
Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number Line
4ONA: They said we were dreaming. But then we realized that we were dreaming one dream and it wasn’t a dream at all.
10HELENA: We have only domestic skills. How are we supposed to survive out in the World if we are excommunicated?
13PETERS: Go. Go to the city. Get the police.
27NEITJE: So if we leave... if we leave... I will never see my brothers again?
58Salome: He’s my child.