Punch Drunk Love
Executive Summary
Poster

Overview
Genres: Drama, Romance, Comedy, Thriller, Character Study
Setting: Contemporary, Various locations in California and Hawaii, including a warehouse, Barry's apartment, a supermarket, and a hotel.
Overview: Punch Drunk Love follows Barry Egan, a socially awkward man struggling with emotional instability and familial pressure. The story begins with Barry's mundane life filled with quirky obsessions, such as collecting pudding for airline miles. As he navigates chaotic interactions with his seven sisters and attempts to connect with Lena Leonard, a woman he meets by chance, Barry's internal conflicts intensify. The middle of the story sees Barry grappling with his anxieties, leading to emotional outbursts and a series of surreal events, including a chaotic confrontation with a phone sex operator and her associates. As Barry's relationship with Lena develops, he faces the challenge of overcoming his fears and insecurities. The narrative culminates in a pivotal moment of self-discovery, where Barry must confront his vulnerabilities and assert himself in his quest for genuine connection.
Themes: Emotional Instability and Anxiety, The Search for Genuine Connection and Intimacy, Familial Pressure and Expectations, The Absurdity of Consumerism and Modern Life, The Nature of Violence and Aggression, The Search for Help and Self-Improvement
Conflict and Stakes: Barry's internal struggle with anxiety and emotional isolation, compounded by external conflicts with aggressive characters and his desire for a meaningful relationship with Lena.
Overall Mood: Awkward, tense, and introspective with moments of dark humor.
Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:
- Scene 1: The tone is initially mundane and slightly anxious during Barry's phone call, shifting to surreal and chaotic with unexpected events.
Standout Features:
- Unique Hook: The protagonist's obsession with accumulating airline miles through pudding purchases.
- Character Quirk: Barry's emotional outbursts and awkward social interactions create a distinctive character.
- Setting: The contrast between mundane warehouse life and the surreal events that unfold.
- Romantic Element: The unconventional romance between Barry and Lena, highlighting vulnerability.
Comparable Scripts:
- Punch-Drunk Love
- The Graduate
- Her
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Frances Ha
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Silver Linings Playbook
- The Lobster
- About Time
Writing Style:
The script exhibits a rich and multifaceted writing style, characterized by sharp, often rapid-fire dialogue, a strong focus on interpersonal dynamics, and a frequent blending of humor with emotional depth and existential themes. There's a clear emphasis on authentic, character-driven narratives, often set in mundane or everyday environments, which are then elevated by witty banter, underlying tension, and moments of introspection. The script also leans into unconventional storytelling and occasionally incorporates surreal or quirky elements.
Style Similarities:
- Charlie Kaufman
- Quentin Tarantino
- David Mamet
- Noah Baumbach
Pass/Consider/Recommend
Explanation:
USP: The script's unique selling proposition is its ability to transform a conventional romantic premise into a profound psychological study through heightened reality, unconventional pacing, and a deeply original protagonist. Unlike typical romantic comedies, it explores the raw, uncomfortable edges of human connection through the lens of social anxiety and repressed emotion, using visual metaphors (the harmonium, pudding scheme) to externalize internal states. The blending of mundane business details with surreal, emotionally charged moments creates a distinctive tone that feels both realistic and dreamlike, appealing to audiences seeking sophisticated, character-driven storytelling that challenges genre expectations.
Market Analysis
Budget Estimate:$15-25 million
Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 18-45, particularly those who enjoy indie films, romantic comedies, and character-driven narratives.
Marketability: The screenplay features a unique blend of romance and dark comedy, appealing to fans of indie films and character studies.
While it has strong character development, the niche themes may limit broader audience appeal.
The film's exploration of mental health and relationships resonates with contemporary audiences, though it may not attract mainstream viewers.
Profit Potential: Moderate to high, as it could perform well in indie circuits and festivals, with potential for cult status and home media sales.
Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice
Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by a strong emphasis on naturalistic, often hesitant, and emotionally raw dialogue that highlights the inner turmoil and anxieties of its characters, particularly Barry Egan. This is combined with a keen observation of mundane details and everyday interactions, which are frequently juxtaposed with moments of sudden, surreal, or unsettling events. The narrative is propelled by subtle character dynamics, awkward social encounters, and an exploration of themes such as isolation, desire, and the struggle for connection. There's a delicate balance of observational humor and poignant vulnerability, creating a mood that is both relatable and disquieting.
Best representation: Scene 11 - Awkward Phone Call. Scene 11 best showcases the author's unique voice due to its perfect synthesis of naturalistic, hesitant dialogue, the exploration of Barry's profound isolation and vulnerability, and the subtle tension created by a mundane yet unsettling interaction with a phone sex operator. The scene effectively highlights Barry's deep-seated anxiety and his struggle with privacy and connection, while the scene's direction emphasizes his emotional state and hesitance, making it a quintessential example of the writer's signature style.
Memorable Lines:
- WOMAN: I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL FUCKING CRUSH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. (Scene 19)
- Kathleen: Don't puss out. (Scene 5)
- SEXY VOICE: So what are you doing, then? ...just talking to you.... (Scene 12)
- BARRY: I get really sick of myself sometimes. (Scene 38)
- BARRY: Can I call you back if I have any further questions...? Can I get your extension? (Scene 1)
Characters
Barry Egan:A socially awkward man struggling with personal issues, including anxiety and emotional turmoil.
Lena Leonard:Barry's love interest, who is supportive yet challenges Barry's emotional struggles.
Dean Trumbell:A confrontational character involved in a phone sex operation, representing Barry's external conflicts.
Lance:Barry's co-worker and friend, who provides comic relief and support throughout the story.
Elizabeth:Barry's sister, who adds familial pressure and highlights Barry's struggles with relationships.
Story Shape
Screenplay Story Analysis
Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
| Story Content | Character Development | Scene Elements | Audience Engagement | Technical Aspects | |||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Click for Full Analysis | Tone | Overall Grade | Concept | Plot | Originality Score | Characters | Character Changes | Internal Goal | External Goal | Conflict | Opposition | High stakes | Story forward | Twist | Emotional Impact | Dialogue | Engagement | Pacing | Formatting | Structure | |
| 1 - Chaos in the Morning | Confusion, Curiosity, Intrigue | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 2 - A Harmonious Encounter | Introspective, Uncertain, Helpful | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 3 - The Harmonium's Secret | Confusion, Uncertainty, Intrigue, Awkwardness | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 4 - Plunging into Chaos | Quirky, Anxious, Humorous | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | |
| 5 - The Harmonium Call | Anxious, Casual, Tense | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 6 - Lunch Break Concerns | Casual, Inquisitive, Nonchalant | 7.5 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 5 | 4 | 7 | 3 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 8 | |
| 7 - Sibling Tensions and Emotional Release | Tense, Emotional, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 8 - Pudding Pursuit | Quirky, Awkward, Humorous | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 9 - Family Tensions Erupt | Tense, Emotional, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 10 - Confessions in the Kids' Room | Regretful, Vulnerable, Seeking Help | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 7 | |
| 11 - Barry's Vulnerable Call | Anxious, Confused, Humorous | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | |
| 12 - Awkward Phone Call | Intimate, Vulnerable, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | |
| 13 - Lonely Intimacy | Intimate, Vulnerable, Conflicted | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 6 | 6 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 6 | |
| 14 - Unwelcome Request | Intimate, Emotional, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 15 - Pudding, Phone Calls, and Awkward Encounters | Awkward, Tense, Uncomfortable, Confused, Embarrassed | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | |
| 16 - Awkward Invitations and Ominous Calls | Anxiety, Awkwardness, Emotional, Tense, Intrigue | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7.5 | |
| 17 - Urgent Plans for Los Angeles | Tense, Anxious, Awkward | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 18 - Barroom Confrontation | Intense, Aggressive, Tense | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 19 - Tension at the Bar | Tense, Aggressive, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 20 - Tensions in Dean's Office | Tense, Aggressive, Awkward, Macho | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 21 - Anticipation and Arrival | Tense, Awkward, Anticipation | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7.5 | 4 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 22 - Emotional Turmoil at Dinner | Emotional, Reflective, Conflicted | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 7 | |
| 23 - Tension at the Table | Tense, Emotional, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
| 24 - Awkward Conversations in the Car | Anxious, Curious, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 6.5 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7.5 | |
| 25 - Bittersweet Farewell | Bittersweet, Reflective, Uncertain | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 6 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 8 | |
| 26 - Unexpected Confessions | Intimate, Emotional, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 3 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 27 - A Moment of Vulnerability | Intimate, Emotional, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 4 | 5 | 3 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | |
| 28 - Coercion at Home | Intense, Confrontational, Tense | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 29 - Night Chase: Intimidation at the ATM | Tense, Aggressive, Confrontational, Chaotic | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 30 - A Confused Escape | Anxiety, Confusion, Awkwardness | 8.2 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | |
| 31 - Pudding Pursuits | Anxious, Confused, Excited | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 5 | 7 | 6 | 2 | 6 | 2 | 5 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | |
| 32 - Pudding Panic | Awkward, Apologetic, Confused | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 5 | 8 | 7.5 | 3 | 7 | 2 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | |
| 33 - Closed Doors, Open Thoughts | Reflective, Melancholic, Self-Contemplative | 8.5 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 5 | 2 | 6 | 3 | 5 | 6 | 9 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | |
| 34 - Fractured Composure | Frustration, Desperation, Self-Reflection | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 35 - Pudding Delays and Unspoken Tensions | Frustration, Resignation, Instruction | 8.2 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 36 - Barry's Flight of Uncertainty | Emotional, Introspective, Confused | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
| 37 - Desperation on Waikiki Street | Tense, Emotional, Confrontational | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 38 - Awkward Connections | Emotional, Desperate, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | |
| 39 - A Romantic Encounter at the Royal Hawaiian | Romantic, Emotional, Intimate | 9.2 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | |
| 40 - Intimate Confessions | Intense, Passionate, Emotional, Awkward, Playful | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 6 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | |
| 41 - Crossroads of Deceit | Tense, Suspenseful, Intense | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 42 - Sleepwalking Shadows | Intimate, Reflective, Emotional | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 3 | 7 | 2 | 6 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | |
| 43 - Morning Connections | Emotional, Intimate, Tense | 8.7 | 9 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 44 - A Journey Together | Intimate, Emotional, Awkward | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 45 - Collision and Chaos | Intense, Emotional, Violent | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 46 - Calm in Chaos | Tense, Matter-of-fact, Emotional | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8.5 | 9 | 9 | |
| 47 - Lonely Connections | Intense, Emotional, Confrontational | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | |
| 48 - Tension in the Back Room | Tense, Confrontational, Anxious | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7.5 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | |
| 49 - Heated Confrontation | Intense, Confrontational, Emotional | 9.2 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 50 - Urgent Search | Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional | 8.5 | 8 | 9 | 7.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7.5 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 51 - Confrontation at Dean's Furniture Store | Intense, Confrontational, Threatening | 8.5 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 52 - Urgent Return | Tense, Anxious, Relieved | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
| 53 - Reconciliation at the Door | Apologetic, Emotional, Intimate | 9.2 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | |
Scene 1 - Chaos in the Morning
by
Paul Thomas Anderson
LOGO
Presentation cards with white, red, blue, blue-green
backgrounds, then:
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING
CAMERA (STEADICAM) holds on a man in a suit, sitting behind a
desk, on the phone: BARRY EGAN.
BARRY
...yes I'm still on hold...
OPERATOR
And what was this?
BARRY
I'm looking at your advertisement
for the airline promotion and
giveaway?
OPERATOR
This is "Fly With Us?"
BARRY
It's hard to understand because it
says in addition to but I can't
exactly understand in addition to
what because there's actually
nothing to add it too...
OPERATOR
I think that's a type-o then, that
would be a mistake.
BARRY
So, just to clarify, I'm sorry: Ten
purchases of any of your Healthy
Choice products equals five hundred
miles and then with the coupon the
same purchases would value one
thousand miles --
OPERATOR
That's it.
BARRY
Do you realize that the monetary
value of this promotion and the
prize is potentially worth more
than the purchases?
OPERATOR
I don't know...I mean: I don't
know.
OC DISTANT SOUND OF A CAR SKIDDING TO A STOP, SOME VAGUE,
DISTANT SCREAMING IS HEARD...THEN SILENCE. Barry hears this,
gets distracted, then back to the phone call;
BARRY
Can I call you back if I have any
further questions...? Can I get
your extension?
OPERATOR
It's extension 215 if you want to
try me back.
BARRY
Ok. Thank you.
He hangs up the phone and walks through his warehouse. It's
fairly non-descript place, boxing materials, etc. Products
seem to be mainly silly novelties (pens that light up, key
chains, novelty toilet plungers, etc)
He lifts a LOADING DOOR and LIGHT POURS INSIDE, WASHES OUT
THE FRAME....he's silhouette....CAMERA follows him
out...stays overexposed and over his shoulder as he looks
down towards the street.....
...his business is situated at the end of a common driveway,
shared with a few other nondescript places and an Auto
mechanic....distant SOUND of a car SPEEDING and SKIDDING....
....hold, then:
....a JEEP CHEROKEE comes FLIPPING into FRAME, far off at the
mouth of the alley, on the street. The JEEP ends up landing
RIGHT SIDE UP....HOLD....
.....Barry flinches a little, stares.....the JEEP sits idle
for a moment....then it drives off....then:
A speeding, small TOYOTA comes into view at the mouth of the
alley, screeching to a halt. The passenger side door opens
and a small, wooden HARMONIUM (like a portable organ) is
placed on the ground. The TOYOTA speeds away.....
....a moment or two later another NON-DESCRIPT CAR flies past
very fast....
BEAT. Barry squints, looks at the small HARMONIUM sitting
alone in the middle of the street.
He hesitates, looks around, holds, then walks back inside his
warehouse.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 2 - A Harmonious Encounter
Barry on the phone again;
BARRY
....I'm not exactly sure what that
means...
VOICE
If they break or something. What is
it, plastic?
BARRY
It's a plastic, yeah.
VOICE
Right. Alright, lemme call you
first thing tomorrow, I'm gonna run
the numbers, see what's what and
I'll give you a call back --
BARRY
Did you have my home phone number?
VOICE
For what?
BARRY
If you wanted to call me back I
could...
VOICE
I'm fine, I have your work number.
BARRY
Ok...because of the time difference
if you needed to call me early?
VOICE
It's fine. I can just get you at
your office.
BARRY
Ok.
VOICE
Ok, bye, bye.
BARRY
Bye.
He hangs up the phone and walks outside, CAMERA follows him
again, out to the alley, over his shoulder......he looks down
the length of the alley at the Harmonium. HOLD, THEN:
A small FORD ESCORT pulls into the driveway, around the
Harmonium, parks......a young woman named LENA LEONARD exits
the car and starts to walk down the length of the alley
towards him.....CAMERA stays over his shoulder and turns into
a profile 2-shot;
LENA
Hi. Do you work at the mechanic?
BARRY
No.
LENA
They're not open yet?
BARRY
They don't get opened until eight.
BEAT. Barry gently steps back and out of the FRAME.
LENA
Is it ok if I leave my car you
think?
BARRY
I don't know.
LENA
I thought they opened at seven.
(beat)
If I left my car would it be ok?
BARRY
I don't know.
LENA
Do you know them.
BARRY
Not very well.
LENA
Can I ask you, can I trust to leave
my keys with you and give them to
you so that when they get here you
could give them to them?
BARRY
Ok.
LENA
You think it's ok where I left it,
right there?
BARRY
I think that'll be fine.
Lena hands him her keys, he steps back into FRAME, THEN:
LENA
There's a piano in the street.
BARRY
Yeah.
BEAT.
LENA
Ok. Maybe I'll see you later. Thank
you for your help.
BARRY
Thank you.
LENA
Maybe I'll see you later, when I
pick up my car?
BARRY
Ok.
She walks away....he starts back inside the warehouse,
hesitates, watches her go.....right before she reaches the
end of the alley, she glances back quickly, over her
shoulder....he dodges inside real quick.....
HOLD THE EMPTY FRAME......then he steps back out.....looks
off at the Harmonium.....and the empty street.....he looks
around some more....then he makes the long walk down the
street.
ON THE STREET.
Barry stares at the Harmonium a little bit, looks around,
both ways, then casually picks it up and walks back towards
his business.....
He brings it into his office and places it on his desk. He
tries a few keys....pressing down...there's no sound.
He presses his hand on the foot pedal and presses a key and a
small note is made.....BEAT....he does it again....and holds
the note.....
CUT TO BLACK.
Ratings
Scene 3 - The Harmonium's Secret
Barry enters the warehouse with harmonium and runs into his
office. He places it on the desk and hits a key: no sound.
Barry goes to his knees and unlatched the bellows. He pumps
the bellow, reaches up, presses a note, and another...then
stands up into CU. and presses the 5 note
melody......SUDDENLY: THE SOUND OF THE POD BAY DOOR
SLIDING....
....Barry spins around, scared shitless, sees: LANCE, who
enters the warehouse, Barry rushes out to greet him;
LANCE
Hey, good morning, Barry.
BARRY
Hey...Lance....can I.....
LANCE
You ok?
BARRY
Yes I'm fine.
LANCE
Why you wearin' a suit?
BARRY
Um....I bought one. I thought maybe
it would be nice to get dressed for
work, can I show you something?
LANCE
Yeah.....you got here early huh?
BARRY
....yes.....
They enter into the office, Lance sees the harmonium;
LANCE
What is this?
BARRY
I don't know. I think it's a
piano....a small piano.
LANCE
That's not a piano.....I have a
piano at home.....where'd you get
it?
Lance walks around behind the harmonium....leaving Barry
alone....towards the warehouse......he starts to back up a
little.....
BARRY
Well.....it was dropped on the
street.....
Sal, Ernesto and Rico all start to come into work behind
Barry.....he sees them: CAMERA pushes in on Barry....
LANCE (OC)
Why is it here? Barry....Barry?
BARRY
...it just....I don't know....I
don't know.
LAND IN CU. ON BARRY. CUT TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD Punch-drunk Love Movie (maybe color
blooms/overture here)
Ratings
Scene 4 - Plunging into Chaos
CAMERA pushes in slow as Barry and Lance talk to TWO
CUSTOMERS about the plungers which are on display in front of
them. They speak all over each other doing shop talk, etc;
CUSTOMER
You do guaranteed sale? etc.
BARRY
We back our plungers 100% and we do
ask for a 30 to 60 day display on
the floor.....
In the b.g., RICO over the laud speaker says:
RICO
Barry, your sister's on line one.
Barry doesn't move....
BARRY
Yes.....we do ask for....30 to 60
days....
CUSTOMER
I think you have a call?
Rico turns around, without loudspeaker;
RICO
Barry, your sister is on line one.
They look at him a moment....
BARRY
I'm just gonna grab this call real
quick?
ANGLE, REVERSE. Barry turns and heads for the phone nearby at
Rico's station;
BARRY (CONT'D)
(into phone)
.....This is Barry.
RHONDA
Hey it's me, it's Rhonda. Are you
coming to the party tonight?
BARRY
Hi, Rhonda, yes I am.
RHONDA
Bye.
She hangs up.
BARRY
Ok. Yes I'll see you tonight.
Barry takes a few steps back to the Customers:
BARRY (CONT'D)
Sorry about that: One thing I
wanted to point out, Dave, is that
we've just received a large order
from the Rio Hotel and Casino in
Las Vegas where we're going to be
supplying their hotel rooms with
the dice and money plunger, so
these babies are really moving well
right now...
RICO
(over loudspeaker)
Barry, your sister's on line two.
Barry, your sister's on line two.
Barry tries again to ignore it....
BARRY
With the Aqua Blast Whales and
Speed Boats we're gonna ask for a
display at eye level for the little
kids.....
RICO
Barry --
BARRY
-- excuse me.
Barry walks back to the phone;
BARRY (CONT'D)
This is Barry.
KAREN
Hey it's me, what are you doing?
BARRY
Hello, Karen. I'm just working.
KAREN
Yeah but what are you doing?
BARRY
I'm just working....I have some
customers here.....
KAREN
So you can't talk to me?
BARRY
I have a few people here, I can't
really chat right now.
KAREN
"chat?" Did you just say "chat?"
BARRY
Well, I can't talk though --
KAREN
You just fucking said "chat," that
is so -- what are you now?
(MORE)
KAREN (CONT'D)
"chat." I'm just calling to make
sure you show up at this party
tonight.
BARRY
Yes, I'll be there.
KAREN
Fine. You get back to chatting with
your precious customers.
BARRY
Ok, bye-bye.
Barry snaps out of this, turns, claps his hands in confidence
and walks back to the customers and says:
BARRY (CONT'D)
Sorry about that.
CUSTOMER
I didn't know you had a sister?
BARRY
.....Well yes I do....
(beat)
But one more thing I wanted to tell
you guys about the new plungers is
that we're making the handles now
in a non-breakable material
called.....
He takes one of the plungers and to demonstrate smacks it on
the table....it SMASHES and rice falls out everywhere....
BARRY (CONT'D)
Ok...this is one of the old ones, I
think. Lance do we have any new
plungers around?
Lance moves to get a new plunger....
BARRY (CONT'D)
That was a little embarrassing and
that was one of the old handles so
let me get a new one to show you --
RICO
(loudspeaker)
Barry, your sister is on line one.
Barry holds, then;
CUSTOMER
How many sisters do you have?
BARRY
....I have seven.
CUSTOMER #2
Holy shit. You have seven sisters?
BARRY
They're calling because we're
having a party tonight for my
sister and the they're just
calling....can you hang on for just
two more minutes....?
Barry walks this time into his office......CAMERA tracks with
Barry to his office, seeing him try and shake this off.....He
EXITS FRAME.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 5 - The Harmonium Call
Barry enters, takes a quick moment to size up the
harmonium.....He picks up the phone and through the
conversation gently moves the harmonium to a different spot
on the desk;
BARRY
This is Barry.
KATHLEEN
What are you doing?
BARRY
Hi, Kathleen, I'm just working.
KATHLEEN
Are you going to the party tonight?
BARRY
Yes I am.
KATHLEEN
What are you doing?
BARRY
Nothing.
KATHLEEN
Right now, you're doing nothing?
BARRY
I'm just talking on the phone to
you and standing.
KATHLEEN
What time are you gonna be there?
BARRY
Seven o'clock.
KATHLEEN
You can't be late.
BARRY
I won't.
KATHLEEN
I'm serious.
BARRY
I know.
KATHLEEN
Seriously.
BARRY
Ok.
KATHLEEN
You can't be late though.
BARRY
I know.
KATHLEEN
You can't just not show up like you
do, you have to go.
BARRY
I know.
KATHLEEN
Seriously.
BARRY
I know.
KATHLEEN
You can't just stay in your house.
BARRY
I know.
KATHLEEN
Yeah but I'm serious.
BARRY
Ok.
KATHLEEN
I'll see you there.
BARRY
I'll see you there.
KATHLEEN
Don't puss out.
BARRY
I won't.
Barry plays the 5 note melody on the Harmonium (carries over
into next scene....)
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 6 - Lunch Break Concerns
Barry and his workers are having lunch. A LUNCH TRUCK is
parked by the driveway. Barry sees the CAR that Lena brought
by at the start of the movie....OC CALL from one of the
workers;
WORKER
Telephone Barry on line one.
A mechanic passes by at this moment, keeps walking past;
BARRY
What's wrong with her car?
MECHANIC
Wha?
BARRY
Is that car gonna be ok?
MECHANIC
It's fine.
The mechanic keeps walking....Barry enters.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 7 - Sibling Tensions and Emotional Release
Barry and the boys are prepping some boxes for shipping.
Ernesto walks over, says;
ERNESTO
Barry, your sister's here.
Barry stands up fast, stumbles back a bit over some boxes,
recovers, ELIZABETH enters:
ELIZABETH
Hey, how are you?
BARRY
I'm fine, hi, how are you?
ELIZABETH
I'm just stopping by to say hello.
BARRY
Hello.
ELIZABETH
So you're coming tonight, right?
BARRY
Yes, indeed, yes I am.
ELIZABETH
There's this girl, this friend of
mine from work that I think is
really cute and really cool and I
want you to meet her so I was
thinking about bringing her to the
party tonight.
BARRY
Oh yeah no I don't want to do that.
ELIZABETH
Why?
BARRY
Well I don't want to do something
like that.
ELIZABETH
She's my friend and you should meet
her. You'd like her.
BARRY
Yeah, but please don't do that.
ELIZABETH
I'm not really asking you, I'm
telling you.
BARRY
Yeah but please don't do that:
everyone would be looking at me.
ELIZABETH
It's a free country, we can look at
you if we want to.
BARRY
Yes but I get tense and I feel like
I can't be myself if that happens.
ELIZABETH
That's your fault not mine.
BARRY
I don't think I'm going to the
party.
ELIZABETH
So it's ok if I bring her.
BARRY
Please don't.
ELIZABETH
She's really cute and she's really
nice.
BARRY
...please, I just don't want it....
ELIZABETH
....wait a minute: why is this
about you now? Why is it always
about you?
BARRY
Yeah, no, it's not, it's just --
ELIZABETH
I'm trying to be your friend.
BARRY
I know.
ELIZABETH
I'm trying to get you a girlfriend.
BARRY
Well, yeah, thank you, but --
ELIZABETH
-- but since you're not going I
guess none of this matters and I'll
bring her anyway.
BEAT. HOLD. She stares him down.
ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
All I'm trying to do is be your
friend.
She leaves. HOLD ON BARRY. He air punches/twitch.
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT
Barry is alone, closing up. He takes a look at the Harmonium
and presses it, makes a sound....a little bit more....makes a
few notes. END SCORE QUE as it blends and fades into the
notes that Barry plays.
BEAT. He closes its small cover, does something on his desk
and then:
His face gets bright red, he holds back tears, opens his
mouth and has a serious but small burst of overwhelming
emotion and then it's over.
Ratings
Scene 8 - Pudding Pursuit
CU. BIRTHDAY CARD.
Barry's hands reaches in and picks a birthday card.
ANGLE, WIDER, THAT MOMENT.
Barry grabs the card and starts to push his cart....but he
pushes it straight into a SIX YEAR OLD KID who's pushing a
cart around....they slam into each other....
Barry apologizes....the KID just takes off....Barry's cart
now has a slightly damaged wheel that wobbles like crazy....
ANGLE, FROZEN FOOD AISLE.
CAMERA tracks left to right with Barry as he heads for the
Healthy Choice Frozen Dinner. He grabs one.
CU. BARRY. LOW ANGLE.
He looks at box.
BARRY'S POV - THE BOX
Slow zoom in. The sticker reads: "Fly Away With Us! The More
You Buy The More You Earn."
ANGLE, SOUP SECTION.
CAMERA tracks along right to left with Barry as he moves
towards some SOUP. He grabs one, inspects it.....then puts it
back.
CU. SOUP CAN.
It's put back on the shelf: TILT down to price: 79 cents.
Barry turns his cart around and SMACKS right into someone
else again, screwing up another wheel on his cart. ANGLE,
BARRY. CAMERA, tracks alongside him, left to right as he
comes across: PUDDING. The price: 4/$1.00.
MED. BARRY in the middle of the aisle. He
reacts......smiles...holds....thinks....looks around, then
starts to load up on the pudding.
ANGLE, BARRY.
He pushes TWO SHOPPING CARTS FULL OF PUDDING over to the
STORE MANAGER who's on his knees, stacking milk.....Barry
kneels down, CAMERA PUSHES INTO A CU. as he speaks sotto;
MANAGER
Hello.
BARRY
Hello, sir. My name is Barry Egan
and I'd like to ask if you have any
more Healthy Choice pudding in the
back?
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 9 - Family Tensions Erupt
The door opens slowly and Barry peers his head around and
into the house very cautiously, CAMERA PUSHES IN and PANS
slightly LEFT to reveal: THE KITCHEN.
Barry's SEVEN SISTERS are all there, preparing dinner and
talking away....they turn and see him;
SUSAN
There he is! Do you remember when
we used to call you gay and you'd
get all mad?
KATHLEEN
-- we were calling you gay and you
got so mad that you threw a hammer
through the sliding glass door --
do you remember?
BARRY
I don't really remember that.
KATHLEEN
Yes you do. We were calling you Gay
Boy and you got so mad....
BARRY
Yes, yes, right.
SUSAN
We're trying to remember why you
had the hammer in the first place?
BARRY
...um.....
KATHLEEN
The hammer that you threw....why
did you have it?
SUSAN
You don't remember -- you had the
hammer and you threw it -- ?
BARRY
I remember, yes.....
SUSAN
Why did you have it?
Another sister, RHONDA, enters from behind, Barry jumps,
says:
RHONDA
He was building a ramp for the dog.
KATHLEEN
He was making a ramp for the dog!
That's right!
SUSAN
That's right....ramp for the
dog..... And you just threw the
hammer.
BARRY
(to Rhonda)
Happy Birthday, Rhonda.
RHONDA
Thank you. Thank you so much,
Barry.
She gives him a very quick hug and kiss and sets the cake
next to a bigger, cooler looking cake.
Mia approaches holding a baby.....Barry tries to say hello to
the baby, but Mia slowly turns the baby out of Barry's
grasp....making herself the center of his attention;
KITCHEN/DINING ROOM, THAT MOMENT
Barry gets slightly turned around trying to reach the
baby...and ends up in a doorway that leads to the dining
room, revealing himself to: ELIZABETH, KAREN, NICOLE AND
ANNA. There are also: THREE BROTHER IN LAW'S (WALTER, LARRY
AND STEVE)
ELIZABETH
Hey....I was just telling everyone
about how I was gonna bring this
girl for you but you wouldn't let
me do it.
BARRY
Hello everyone.
KAREN steps up and greets him;
KAREN
Did you think that we'd all be
looking at you?
BARRY
No, no, no.
KAREN
Well it's just not true. We
wouldn't be looking at you -- why
are you wearing this suit? Did you
say hello to your brother in law's?
STEVE/LARRY
Hi, Barry. How ya doin? Good, good.
KAREN
Say hello to them, that's right,
good, good. Ok. Come on, we're
gonna eat now.....let's go.....
Barry shakes hands and hello's with the brother in law's.
He's left alone for a moment with Walter and Elizabeth;
WALTER
How you doin' Barry?
BARRY
Hi Walter.
WALTER
How's business?
BARRY
Business is very food, thanks.
ELIZABETH
What's very food?
BARRY
What?
ELIZABETH
You just said very food.
BARRY
Did I say that?
WALTER
Yeah.
BARRY
That was weird. I meant good.
WALTER
Maybe you said that because you're
hungry.....
Walter moves to help everyone...they're moving to set the
table......
CAMERA CLOSES IN ON BARRY AND ELIZABETH alone for a beat:
ELIZABETH
You're lucky. She couldn't come
anyway --
BARRY
Well I'm glad you didn't, thank
you.
ELIZABETH
She couldn't come I said. Are you
nervous?
BARRY
No.
ELIZABETH
You look nervous.
BARRY
I'm not, I'm very happy.
RHONDA passes;
RHONDA
Come on homo-boy, we're eating now.
Elizabeth leaves, HOLD ON BARRY.
CAMERA PUSHES IN TOWARDS EVERYONE SETTING THE
TABLE.....CAMERA ROTATES AROUND.....everyone is still
chatting a bit about "Barry gay boy," and "the girl that was
gonna be here that Barry wouldn't allow."
ANGLE, REVERSE. Barry is standing in front of the floor to
ceiling sliding glass doors.....in an INSTANT, he TURNS AND
THROWS HIS FIST STRAIGHT THROUGH THREE OF THEM, THEY
SHATTER....he turns back, they are all staring straight at
him in silence. HOLD, THEN:
In unison they all go ape shit:
GROUP
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM.
GODDAMNIT BARRY. YOU FUCKIN'
MANIAC.
ETC. ETC.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 10 - Confessions in the Kids' Room
It's later and WALTER and BARRY walk down a small hall and
into a kids room. They're OC for a few moments as the CAMERA
slowly pushes in and towards the room. Following sotto;
WALTER
What's up?
BARRY
Well I'm sorry. Before...
WALTER
Mhm.
BARRY
And I'm sorry that I did that.
WALTER
It's alright.
BARRY
I wanted to ask you because you're
a doctor, right?
WALTER
Yeah.
BARRY
I don't like the way I am
sometimes.
(beat)
Can you help me?
WALTER
Barry, I'm a dentist, what kind of
help do you think I can give you?
BARRY
I know that. Maybe you know other
doctors?
WALTER
Like a psychiatrist?
BARRY
I don't have anyone to talk to
things about and I understand it's
confidential with a doctor - I'm
embarrassed about that and I don't
want my sisters to know?
WALTER
You want a number for a
psychiatrist, I can get you one,
that's not a problem. but what
exactly is wrong?
BARRY
I don't know if there's anything
wrong with me because I don't know
how other people are.....Sometimes
I cry a lot.....for no reason.
Barry starts to cry. Walter just stares at his. HOLD.
Barry stops, recuperates, then leaves.....as he does;
BARRY (CONT'D)
Please don't tell my sisters.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 11 - Barry's Vulnerable Call
CU. HEALTHY CHOICE COUPON.
Barry's scissors cut out a coupon and reveal an image beneath
in another section of the newspaper...it's the sexy LEG of a
woman....
BARRY very casually pushes some papers aside and looks at the
ad...
HOLD ON HIS FACE. He looks....then:
MOMENTS LATER, BARRY ON THE PHONE.
He listens;
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
Hi, this is Janice The Operator,
who's this?
BARRY
Hello, how are you?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
Hi, is this your first time
calling?
BARRY
Yes it is.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
Can I have your credit card number,
followed by the expiration date?
BARRY
Can I ask how much is this?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
-- it's $2.99 per minute for the
first half hour and $1.99 per
minute after that.
BARRY
......and this is confidential?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
What do you mean?
BARRY
It's....confidential, the call, my
information is private.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
Of course. Would you like to talk
to a girl? I can connect you with a
beautiful girl if I can just get
your credit card number followed by
the expiration date?
BARRY
...3407 2627 3444 8095 expiration
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
And your billing address and the
name as it appears on the card?
BARRY
.....1274 Moorpark. Sherman Oaks,
California. #4. 91403.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
And your name?
BARRY
Barry Egan.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
And your Social Security number.
BARRY
What's that for?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
It's just for verification through
the credit card company.
BARRY
-- and this is confidential?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
Of course, it's just for us to
verify your credit card
information. It's completely
confidential and it appears on your
credit card billing statement as
D&D Mattress Man.
BARRY
sorry....
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
It's ok, take your time.
BARRY
But I don't want anyone to know my
name.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
No one will know your name.
BARRY
Can you say that my name is Jack?
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
You want her to call you Jack?
BARRY
I just don't want anyone to know
it's me.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
That's fine. Can I have a telephone
number, area code first on where we
can call you back?
BARRY
No I just....I don't want to, I
just want to be connected to talk
to a girl.
OPERATOR GIRL (O.C.)
It's a call back service -- a girl
will call you back.
BARRY
I thought I was just gonna be
connected to talk to a girl -
that's fine, ok, I'm sorry, it's,
um.....818....
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 12 - Awkward Phone Call
Barry waiting at his dining room table. HOLD. The PHONE
RINGS. He picks it up;
BARRY
Hello, this is Back.
SEXY VOICE
Hi, is this Jack?
BARRY
Yes.
SEXY VOICE
This is Georgia.
BARRY
Hi. This is Jack.
SEXY VOICE
So what are you doing tonight,
Jack?
BARRY
Nothing.
SEXY VOICE
Nothing, huh, do you know what I'm
doing?
BARRY
No.
SEXY VOICE
I'm just laying on my bed.
BARRY
Where are you?
SEXY VOICE
I'm in my bedroom.
BARRY
No, I mean, what city, what state
are you in?
SEXY VOICE
Are you watching a porno movie?
BARRY
No.
SEXY VOICE
Do you like porno movies?
BARRY
Sure.
SEXY VOICE
Yeah....? So...Jack...are you
stroking that big fat fucking cock
of yours?
He walks into something.
BARRY
....no....
SEXY VOICE
Yeah? So what are you doing, then?
BARRY
...just talking to you....
SEXY VOICE
Are your pants off?
BARRY
No.
SEXY VOICE
I'm wearing a t-shirt and panties.
BARRY
Really?
SEXY VOICE
Yeah. And looking at myself in the
mirror. Do you wanna know what I
look like?
BARRY
It doesn't matter.
SEXY VOICE
What do you mean it doesn't matter?
BARRY
Well. I have no way of knowing. So
it doesn't matter.
SEXY VOICE
I don't lie, Jack. I'm about 5'8,
blonde 34,28,34. Pretty thin, I
work out. My pussy's shaved. My
friends say I'm pretty cute, so....
BARRY
Really?
SEXY VOICE
What do you mean, "really?" Yeah.
Really. What about you?
BARRY
It doesn't matter.
SEXY VOICE
Yeah....you're married aren't you,
Jack?
BARRY
No.
SEXY VOICE
You have a girlfriend?
BARRY
...yes...
SEXY VOICE
Where is she?
BARRY
She's...not here...she went out.
She went out of town, she travels a
lot.
Barry holds his head in his hands for minute, then stands out
of it --
Ratings
Scene 13 - Lonely Intimacy
SEXY VOICE
I'm horny, Jack, what about you?
BARRY
...yeah.....
SEXY VOICE
Does Jack like to Jack Off?
BARRY
Sometimes when I'm lonely.
SEXY VOICE
...yeah....well you have me now.
BARRY
You sound very cute, very nice.
SEXY VOICE
Thank you. What do you do, Barry?
BARRY
I have my own business....I work. I
work hard at doing my business.
SEXY VOICE
Yeah....do you do well, do you make
alotta money?
BARRY
I do pretty good, I think. I wish I
was making more, doing a little bit
better. I can,t get over a certain
hump. I will...I will crack
something soon I think and really
do better...I'd like to
diversify...but I'm doing great, I
think, as a start.
SEXY VOICE
So.....are you stroking it, yet,
honey?
BARRY
No.
SEXY VOICE
Well why don't you take your pants
off and stroke it for me?
BARRY
Ok.
SEXY VOICE
Yeah...that's it...God I Am So
Horny...I wish I was there to help
you.....I wish I was there for you,
Barry.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRY'S BATHROOM/BEDROOM - LATER
It's a little bit later and Barry stands in his bathroom,
washes his face....HOLD....then he dries his face, walks into
his bedroom, gets into bed wearing T-shirt and
underwear.....he crawls in, curls up in fetal position....
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. SAME EXACT ANGLE - MORNING
Sun comes in now. Barry is somehow dressed in a FULL ADIDAS
SWEAT SUIT complete with SNEAKERS. He wakes up, looks down
and sees this, confused;
BARRY
Whassis?
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 14 - Unwelcome Request
Barry is dressed for work in another suit now. He grabs some
stuff and heads for the door when the phone rings;
BARRY
Hello?
SEXY VOICE
Hey. What are you doing? How are
you?
BARRY
I'm fine. Who is this?
SEXY VOICE
Georgia.
BEAT.
BARRY
Hi....what....what's up....?
SEXY VOICE
It's ok that I'm calling, right, I
mean? It's ok.
BARRY
Yeah. No. It's ok. What's goin' on?
SEXY VOICE
I just wanted to call and talk to
you, thank you for last night, try
and get you before you went to work
and say, "hey."
BEAT.
BARRY
I'm going to work.
SEXY VOICE
Uhhh...I am sooo tired...I stayed
up too late last night, what about
you, when did you go to sleep?
BARRY
Not very late.
SEXY VOICE
You're going to work now?
BARRY
Yes.
SEXY VOICE
Can I ask you a question?
BARRY
Uh-huh.
SEXY VOICE
Remember last night I was talking
to you and I was telling you about
my apartment, my rent -- ?
(beat)
Do you remember?
BARRY
Yes.
SEXY VOICE
This is really weird and really
embarrassing for me but....uh....
(beat)
(MORE)
SEXY VOICE (CONT'D)
I was wondering if you could help
me out with a little bit of money.
BARRY
Me?
SEXY VOICE
Yeah.
BARRY
I can't really. Yeah, no. I mean. I
can't afford it.
SEXY VOICE
You don't even know how much it is.
BARRY
I know but I....how much is it?
SEXY VOICE
Like seven-fifty. Seven hundred
fifty?
BARRY
Yes, no, yes. I can't. I can't
afford that. I'm sorry. Sorry.
SEXY VOICE
Really? Please?
BARRY
You have trouble, financial
trouble?
SEXY VOICE
Yeah. It's so hard these days and I
really need it.
BARRY
Yes I can't....I don't make enough
money to be able to do that.
SEXY VOICE
I thought you had your own
business. You said you were gonna
diversify and all that stuff....
BEAT. Barry steps back a little....
SEXY VOICE (CONT'D)
So you think you can?
BARRY
No. I'm sorry.
SEXY VOICE
Should I call back and talk to your
girlfriend?
BARRY
....what....?
SEXY VOICE
I was wondering if it's better to
ask your girlfriend for the money?
It could be really easy. I mean, I
have all your information, credit
card information and billing stuff -
-
Barry hangs up the phone real fast. HOLD. He doesn't move.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 15 - Pudding, Phone Calls, and Awkward Encounters
CAMERA (HAND HELD) behind Barry, as he walks through the
warehouse, greets the boys, says hello to Lance, etc. Lance,
taking his cue from Barry, is a bit more dressed up today....
LANCE
Good morning, Barry....
BARRY
Hi, Lance.
LANCE
What's with all this pudding, what
is this?
CAMERA sees that all the pudding Barry bought has been
stacked neatly in a corner. Barry stops dead in his tracks to
explain;
BARRY
That's part of a very interesting
airline promotion giveaway that's
really tremendous. I'm going to
start a collection of pudding and
coupons that can be redeemed for
frequent flyer miles through
Healthy Choice and American
Airlines --
LANCE
You're goin' on a trip?
BARRY
No.........but airline miles are
just like a currency these days.
LANCE
You should go on a trip.
BARRY
No thanks.
LANCE
So what should I do with the
pudding?
BARRY
Let's just leave it there for now.
Barry goes into his office and looks at the Harmonium. BEAT.
He presses some keys, makes a little more noise with it. (a
quarter of some sort of melody starts here...)
ANGLE, MOMENTS LATER.
Barry is cutting up his CREDIT CARD with some scissors. He
throws it away.
ANGLE, MOMENTS LATER.
Barry paces around a little bit.....CAMERA stays inside and
watches him as he walks outside for a moment, looks
around....he sees something outside, hesitates, then dodges
back inside the warehouse --
-- once inside, he takes a horrendous, hurtful fall over
something....He stands up quick;
BARRY
This is not supposed to be here.
Seriously. Carlos, Carlos, this is
really not supposed to be here. I
don't mean to be a dick; but that's
gonna hurt someone. It already did
hurt someone: It hurt me, so please
let's move that.
He backs away, then steps OUT OF FRAME...a moment later
ELIZABETH (his sister) and LENA (from the opening) enter the
warehouse, walking towards Barry;
ELIZABETH
(to Lena)
He's wearing a suit again, I don't
know why he's wearing a suit, he
doesn't usually dress like that --
LENA
It's fine.
CAMERA pushes in towards LENA and blends to 30fps...she
smiles, looks ahead, CAMERA slowly pans a 180 around to
become her POV.
Barry is standing near the harmonium, fiddling around. He
looks up, sees Elizabeth and Lena walking towards him and
tenses....they meet in the middle of the warehouse;
ELIZABETH
Hey, what are you doing? Why are
you wearing a suit again?
BARRY
I don't know.
LENA
Hi.
BARRY
Hi.
LENA
Do you remember me, I left my car,
yesterday.
BARRY
Yes I do.
ELIZABETH
This is Lena, she's a good friend
of mine from work. We were in the
neighborhood and she had to pick up
her car and we're getting breakfast
before we go in, so did you want to
go? We're gonna go and eat, let's
go.
BARRY
Yeah I can't.
ELIZABETH
Why?
BARRY
I have work, I can't leave.
ELIZABETH
Seriously, though: We're going to
eat, I said.
BARRY
I'm sorry.
LENA
It's ok. That's alright.
ELIZABETH
Are you learning how to play the
piano? What is that?
BARRY
It's not a piano. LANCE! LANCE!
MAKE SURE THAT YOU CALL THAT GUY IN
TOLEDO.
LANCE (OC)
WHICH?
BARRY
...I'll tell you later.
ELIZABETH
You don't wanna come to eat with
us?
WORKER VOICE
TELEPHONE BARRY ON LINE TWO!
ELIZABETH
What's all this pudding?
BARRY
I don't know. Can you hang on a
second?
CAMERA follows Barry as he walks back to his little office,
picks up the phone;
BARRY (CONT'D)
Hello?
SEXY VOICE
We got disconnected before....
BARRY
No. No. We got disconnect --
why?.....you're calling me at
work....how did you get this number
-- ?
SEXY VOICE
See the thing is I could make it
really easy on you -- I already
have your credit card number, your
information, address and stuff.
This is so awkward asking like
this, I'm sorry --
BARRY
This makes me very uncomfortable.
SEXY VOICE
I need help.
BEAT.
SEXY VOICE
Should I just ask your girlfriend?
(beat)
Maybe I should call back and talk
to your girlfriend?
BARRY
I don't have a girlfriend --
SEXY VOICE
-- you said you did.
BARRY
I know I did. But I don't.
SEXY VOICE
You lied to me?
BARRY
I didn't lie.
SEXY VOICE
Why did you tell me you did, then?
BARRY
This is....illegal....I'll call the
police.
SEXY VOICE
No you won't.
ANGLE, ELIZABETH AND LENA
LENA
I'll go pay for my car.
ELIZABETH
Are you sure?
LENA
Yeah.
ELIZABETH
He's being weird, I'm sorry. I have
no idea why he's being weird and
dressed in a suit --
LENA
It's not bad, it's ok.
ELIZABETH
-- he's so strange I don't know if
you really even would want to go
out with him, someone like him, I
said I'd try, but it's just --
LENA
It's ok, it's alright. I'll come
right back, I'll just go pay for my
car.
ELIZABETH
Sorry.
She leaves. Elizabeth heads for Barry's office; ANGLE, BARRY
on the phone
SEXY VOICE
Come on, I thought we had fun, rich
boy --
BARRY
This is not cool.
SEXY VOICE
It was cool last night.
BARRY
I have to go.
SEXY VOICE
Are you telling me no?
BARRY
No I'm sorry, now I have to get off
the phone....
SEXY VOICE
....this is your mistake....
Elizabeth comes walking into his office, starts whispering to
him as he's on the phone;
ELIZABETH
Hey, hey, you should ask her out --
what do you think, she's cute,
right?
BARRY
(into phone)
I'm gonna call you back.
He starts to hang up the phone, turns to Elizabeth as we
hear;
SEXY VOICE
(trailing off)
...MOTHERFUCKER, NO....
BARRY
She is. I think, why did you come
here like this?
ELIZABETH
It's not cool?
BARRY
It's fine, but --
ELIZABETH
-- do you think you'll ask her out?
BARRY
I feel really on the spot now.
ELIZABETH
Are you gonna do it?
BARRY
I don't do that. I don't - things
like that.
ELIZABETH
You don't do anything, why are you
being scared?
BARRY
I'm not being scared, you're just
going to rag me if I do this --
ELIZABETH
I'm not gonna rag you. Why would I
do this just to rag you?
BARRY
I don't know.
ELIZABETH
I'll leave then, I'll go to get
something from my car, go away so
you don't feel pressure. Can I ask
you a serious question:
BARRY
What?
ELIZABETH
Did you ask Walter to get you a
shrink?
(beat)
Barry, did you ask Walter to get
you a shrink? What's wrong with
you? Are you ok?
BARRY
I didn't ask him that. He's lying.
ELIZABETH
You're being weird again, see. Come
on. Please don't be weird.
ANGLE, BARRY AND ELIZABETH, MOMENTS LATER
They walk out and as they do, Lena comes back in with her
keys in her hand, Elizabeth keeps walking past;
ELIZABETH
I gotta grab something from my
car....
LENA
We should be going --
ELIZABETH
(over her shoulder)
Yeah, no, I have to get something
from my car, I said.
Barry and Lena about to be alone as Lance walks up;
LANCE
Which guy in Toledo are you talking
about?
BARRY
I'll tell you...the
guy...with...just talk to me later
about it, ok?
LANCE
You talkin' to me about Ramada Inn?
BARRY
I have to talk to you in a second
about that, Lance, ok?
He walks away, Lena turns to him;
LENA
I'm sorry I couldn't come to your
sister's birthday party last night,
Elizabeth had invited me and I
couldn't make it --
BARRY
It's fine. It was fun, though.
LENA
It must be weird for you to have so
many sisters?
BARRY
No. Not at all. It's nice.
WORKER (OC)
Telephone, Barry Line One!
Barry turns instantly and walks away....he turns back as he
walks....TWO SHOT - track left with him....
BARRY
(turns back)
One second, sorry.
IN THE OFFICE, THAT MOMENT
He picks up the phone.
BARRY
Hello?
SEXY VOICE
Hang up again and see the trouble
it's gonna make.
Barry instantly hangs up the phone, turns around and walks
back to Lena;
LENA
Business is good, you're busy?
BARRY
Yeah, not really.
LENA
I saw a picture of you.
BARRY
Yes.
LENA
Elizabeth has a picture of you guys
-- your sisters and you, it's a lot
of family, it must be nice.
BARRY
Do you have brothers or sisters?
LENA
No. I'm the exact opposite --
BARRY
That must be nice. That must be
really, really, really great.
LENA
It's terrible, no.
No response from Barry. (cut to reverse 2-shot as they look)
LENA (CONT'D)
What do you do with all this
pudding?
BARRY
That's not mine it's one of the
guys that works here. That
pudding's not mine.
BEAT. In the b.g., two WORKERS are dealing with getting a
large crate on top of a large stack of crates, they're using
a fork lift....in an instant the large CRATE tumbles to the
ground and SMASHES....Barry attempts to not notice this;
LENA
Oh My God.
BARRY
It's ok. That's ok. How long have
you worked with Elizabeth?
The workers start calling out and apologizing for this to
Barry, who keeps looking straight ahead to Lena;
LENA
Six months, maybe five, five or six
months...do you wanna check that?
BARRY
(to the guys)
Are you guys hurt?
WORKERS/LANCE
No, no, we're ok....Barry, sorry --
BARRY
(back to Lena)
So you do what she does, the same
work, the same job?
LENA
I do, but I do field consultations
mainly too which is cool because I
get to travel. I travel. A lot of
the time. I'm going to Hawaii on
Friday.
BARRY
That's great -- Hawaii. I was
thinking about going there.
LENA
Really?
BARRY
I was, yeah, I was thinking about
going there for business --
LENA
-- well, if you're gonna go --
BARRY
-- I'm probably not gonna go
though.
LENA
-- oh that's too bad, it's so great
over there and if you were there we
could say hello to each other or
something --
BARRY
-- yeah that would be great, if I
was gonna go but I'm not exactly
sure, I have so much goin on here --
A lot depends on this thing I might
do here and if that happens I can't
go and if it doesn't happen then I
probably will, but I doubt it.
There's another LOUD CRASH as they try to reposition the box
that's fallen, giving way to something else that FALLS. In
other words, to correct the mistake they've already made,
they have to sacrifice another CRATE that CRASHES. She looks,
Barry just flinches, tries to stay looking straight ahead;
CAMERA (HAND HELD) with Elizabeth, comes walking back
in.....says to Barry:
ELIZABETH
I can't find that thing in my car,
I can't find it so I'll just get it
and give it to you later. So?
LENA
(to Elizabeth)
You ready?
ELIZABETH
Are you coming to eat with us?
BARRY
Yeah I can't.
ELIZABETH
(at the crates)
OH MY GOD. Look at that.
LENA
(to Barry)
It was great to meet you again. To
see you again, thanks for helping
me yesterday --
BARRY
Ok.
ELIZABETH
(to Barry)
What's all this pudding?
BARRY
It's not mine.
ELIZABETH
Why's it here?
BARRY
I have no idea.
LENA
(to Elizabeth)
Are you ready?
ELIZABETH
(to Barry)
Will you call me later to talk
about asking Walter for the shrink?
And we can talk about - he said you
have this crying problem or
something?
LENA
Bye, Barry.
BARRY
Goodbye.
ELIZABETH
Call me later.
Lena and Elizabeth leave. CAMERA leads them as they walk;
Sound starts to drop out, we see Barry and the boys cleaning
up the boxes in the back....move into a CU on Lena....Music
Cue. Score. treated piano, small rhythm/melodic(notes of
harmonium so far)/gentle.
ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
So I'll meet you at the restaraunt?
LENA
Ok.
Lena gets into her car. Elizabeth keeps walking. She waits
until Elizabeth is out of sight at the mouth of the driveway
and then she gets back out of her car and walks straight back
into the warehouse.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 16 - Awkward Invitations and Ominous Calls
She comes walking in and over to Barry;
LENA
I'm going to go and eat tomorrow
night do you want to go with me?
BARRY
Sure.
LENA
Do you want to pick me up?
BARRY
Sure.
LENA
Can I write down my address and
phone number for you?
BARRY
Sure.
They do a small search for a piece of paper, get it all
written down and sorted out and then -- as they do this there
is even more CRASHING AND SMASHING in the b.g., by the boys --
Barry and Lena settle up and say so long.
BARRY (CONT'D)
This is funny.
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
I didn't ask anyone for a shrink,
that was someone else. Also: This
pudding is not mine. Also: I'm
wearing a suit because I had a very
important business meeting this
morning and I don't have a crying
problem.
LENA
Ok.
BARRY
Alright?
LENA
....Hi.....
BARRY
....Hi.....
She walks off. CAMERA leads her out, holds a CU. as she
smiles to herself -- lead her a bit more until she's outside,
and she gets in her car -- CU. BARRY. He smiles, looks
around, holds back his emotion so it looks like he'll
explode....tenses, smiles, tears, looks around....HOLD. End
Music Que.
LANCE (OC)
Barry, Line One, Telephone!
Barry walks in. HOLD. He picks up the phone.
BARRY
Hello?
SEXY VOICE
You've just made a war that you
cannot afford.
She hangs up real quick. HOLD. Barry and his harmonium.
CUT TO BLACK.
Title Card: Provo, Utah
FADE IN:
Ratings
Scene 17 - Urgent Plans for Los Angeles
CAMERA behind a BLONDE GIRLS HEAD (LATISHA). She speaks to
two blonde brothers, DAVID and JIM. In the b.g., walking
around holding a BABY is NATE. (Maybe a girlfriend or wife or
two).
DAVID
I'll do it.
JIM
I'll do it too.
DAVID
But it's gotta wait until my knee
is better. I can't risk it.
LATISHA
You have to do it now.
JIM
If we drive there it's a problem.
LATISHA
Dean will loan you one of his cars.
JIM
Which one?
LATISHA
You have to talk to him --
DAVID
How do you know he's rich?
LATISHA
Because I know, I just know. I
mean, I talked to him, I know.
Nate emerges a bit from the b.g.
NATE
Where are you guys going?
DAVID
California. Los Angeles.
NATE
When are you leaving?
DAVID
Right now.
LATISHA
Let's go talk to Dean.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 18 - Barroom Confrontation
LATISHA, DAVID, JIM and NATE enter and meet DEAN TRUMBELL,
listening to AFTER EDEN play onstage, standing in the middle
of the room.
DEAN
Hey guys.
DAVID/JIM/NATE
Hey, Dean.
LATISHA
So they'll go.
DEAN
I'm only paying two of you guys.
DAVID
That's cool.
DEAN
When can you leave?
DAVID
As soon as you want.
DEAN
I want you to go right away, I
think that's best. I also need you
to check out a car for me down
there that this guy is selling.
They walk towards a back room, as they do they pass a REGULAR
JOE who bumps into Dean accidentally, Dean explodes;
DEAN (CONT'D)
You wanna fuck around, asshole? You
wanna get tough, wanna see me kick
some motherfuck around here?
REGULAR JOE
Take it easy, man, relax. Don't --
DEAN
I'll relax your fucking head --
this is my personal space, man,
this is my personal fucking space,
you don't violate that, you don't
do that.
REGULAR JOE
I've got a glass in my hand why
don't you chill out?
DEAN
You've got a glass?
Dean takes a BEER BOTTLE and SMASHES it in half on the bar,
holds it up to the guy --
DEAN (CONT'D)
YEAH. YOU'VE GOT A GLASS, NOW I'VE
GOT A GLASS. I'VE GOT A GLASS TOO
MOTHERFUCK.
JUMP CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 19 - Tension at the Bar
They're all walking towards a back room of the bar, they walk
past a COUPLE that is fighting. The WOMAN is screaming at the
top of her lungs at the MAN;
WOMAN
I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL FUCKING
CRUSH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
Dean gets in the middle of it;
DEAN
Take it easy, take it easy you guys
in here, I need to talk to you
later, Tommy -- I wanna know if you
wanna book the boys --
He motions over his shoulder to Ashes to Ashes.
MAN
I'll talk to you later.
WOMAN
YOU WON'T FUCKIN' TALK TO HIM
LATER, I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL
CRUSH YOU, ASSHOLE.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 20 - Tensions in Dean's Office
They enter into an upstairs office area. It has a couple
desks and off to the side, in a small, partitioned off room
is The Phone Sex Area; a GIRL on the phone. (We hear bits of
her call, e.g. "Me? I'm in Florida. Laying on my bed.")
There are posters for Ashes to Ashes, filing cabinets,
posters of CARS, lots of various small business items like
order forms and pamphlets, etc. Dean collects a piece of
paper and hands it to David/Nate/Jim;
DEAN
Your expenses are your own.
DAVID
I thought Latisha said you would --
DEAN
-- she didn't know what she was
talking about --
DAVID
It's....whatever....that's not
cool.
DEAN
David, Don't. Just. Seriously. It
doesn't make sense if you think
about it in a fair deal like sense.
Ok? It's business. Seriously. One
hundred dollars for two days work
is a lot more than your family is
making sitting around your house.
I'm serious now. Ok. Please. Now.
Just stop.
He hands him a set of KEYS and goes through the info;
DEAN (CONT'D)
...keys for the track. You have to
gas it up and save the receipts on
that. His address. We have a
business address too if you need
that -- but hit him at his house
first, see what this little bad boy
is all about and shake him up --
give him a little doe-see-doe --
LATISHA
Uch. Shut up, Dean.
DEAN
What's the problem?
LATISHA
You don't need to talk all macho,
"shake him out, little bad boy."
Whatever -- you're not an action
hero, tough guy, you're not a
gangster --
He makes a very SUDDEN AND QUICK MOVE towards her and she
FLINCHES.
DEAN
Flinchy. That's what I thought.
Shut up.
(to Greg)
Call me when you see this guy --
check him out see what's what. She
asked him for seven fifty when she
was on the phone with him, so --
just call me when you get there.
He hands him another piece of paper and a photo;
DEAN (CONT'D)
This is this place called Ace
Vintage, you gotta find it, I don't
know exactly where this is and I
don't understand these maps so just
go there and check it out. It's a
'61 AC Cobra that this old guy says
is fine, but I need to figure out
why he's only asking 23 for it. So
take a look, the whole thing, call
me about that, if it seems alright
then I'll head down there and check
it out.
DAVID
Ok.
DEAN
That's it.
DAVID
Can we maybe ask for more money on
this?
LATISHA
Why?
DAVID
...because it's California? I mean
it's like a nine or ten hour drive.
It's not like going to Salt Lake
and getting the Mormon's, it's
different...
After a long, long staring contest with David, Dean SUDDENLY
AND VERY VIOLENTLY PUTS HIS FIST THROUGH THE WALL....then
turns to David......Latisha rolls her eyes. David, Nate and
Jim leave.
CUT TO:
EXT. UTAH STREET/TRUCK/MOVING - DAY/MAGIC HOUR
CAMERA behind the heads of Nate, Jim, Dave as they drive down
the street.....they call their brother "Mike D" on the phone
and say, "what's up, we're goin' to Los Angeles, you wanna
go?"
JUMP CUT TO:
EXT. UTAH STREET/TRUCK/MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
CAMERA PANS left and picks up the fourth brother MIKE D as he
walks from work and gets in the car.....CAMERA HOLDS behind
the heads of the four blonde brothers as they drive off.
LONG DISSOLVE
TO:
Ratings
Scene 21 - Anticipation and Arrival
This is a SPLIT SCREEN SEQUENCE shot with TWO CAMERAS.
THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN holds Lena. She waits in her
small, nondescript apartment doing the things you do while
waiting for someone else. She sits, stands, sits, stands....
THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE THE SCREEN travels (STEADICAM) with
Barry as he walks into the RECEPTION AREA. There is a
SECURITY GUARD (black, female) who asks him his name, where
he's going and to sign in. The Security Guard calls up to
Lena's place....
....and we watch Lena answer the phone....
...The Security Guard gives Barry some very complicated
directions....we follow/lead Barry as he makes his way
through the maze/up elevators/down corridors looking for
Lena's apartment.....Finally, he arrives, knocks;
LENA
Who is it?
BARRY
It's Barry.
As she opens the door, THE SPLIT SCREEN SLIDES AWAY AND THE
IMAGES GIVE WAY TO THE ONE OF LENA standing;
LENA
Hi.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 22 - Emotional Turmoil at Dinner
Lena and Barry at a table. They talk (see notes.)
LENA
So I want to tell you something, I
gotta tell you: I saw a picture of
you guys, your sisters and you and
I saw your picture and I really
wanted to meet you.
(beat)
I came to drop my car off there on
purpose, to try and meet you.
Barry leans a little bit out of FRAME.
BARRY
...really? That's nice...are you
lying?
LENA
...I thought I should tell you. I
didn't want to get too far along on
going out and be hiding something --
BEAT. He leans slightly back in FRAME.
BARRY
That's very nice. Thank you. Thank
you for saying that.
(beat)
You're friends with my sister?
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
How long have you known her?
LENA
About six months.
BARRY
You like her?
LENA
Yeah. Yeah we get along well.
(beat)
You didn't get along with her very
well?
BARRY
Did you really come to meet me on
purpose or are you lying about
that?
LENA
No, no. I did.
BARRY
That's nice. It's nice.
(beat)
I've been looking around a lot
lately at promotional giveaways,
cross promotional work by some
companies. Do you remember all that
pudding?
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
So that pudding was bought, I
bought that pudding because of a
pretty interesting promotion that's
sponsored by Healthy Choice and
American Airlines. It's designed to
encourage airline travel and
obviously designed to encourage
buying Healthy Choice products.
They make frozen meals, deli meats,
pasta sauce, breads, soups and ice
creams, this sort of thing.....
LENA
Yeah?
BARRY
....I'm sorry....I lost my
thoughts, what I was saying....
LENA
You were talking about the
promotion --
BARRY
-- the promotion says: buy any 10
Healthy Choice products and get 500
miles of airline travel or 1,000
for purchases made with a special
coupon.
(MORE)
BARRY (CONT'D)
So in the supermarket, you notice
their products, first you notice
they have a Teriyaki Chicken Dinner
at $1.79 - that's a pretty good
deal....but then I noticed they had
soup at 89 cents a can.....and you
start to do the math and you start
to notice that it's a really
amazing deal because I stumbled
across the pudding at 25 cents a
cup. Now the crucial thing is the
bar codes on the label. That's
those little bar codes, you know?
The universal product codes?
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
That's what's used to redeem the
mileage, so in noticing the
pudding, each cup had an individual
bar code -- in other words: Two
dollars and fifty cents for ten
cups of pudding is 500 miles. Add
in the coupon: it's one thousand.
You see?
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
You see?
LENA
Yeah, no, I see --
BARRY
You see if you spent $3,000 dollars
on pudding you could earn over one
million frequent flyer miles.
LENA
That's insane. That is really,
really crazy. That's just crazy if
you spend three thousand dollars on
pudding.
BARRY
....yeah....
LENA
So that was your pudding?
BARRY
....No....
LENA
I'm sorry. I thought you said --
BARRY
No I didn't say that.
LENA
I thought you said you bought all
that pudding --
BARRY
My friend Carlos is doing it who
works with me. It's his. It's his
pudding, he's doing it. It's not
mine. He's crazy. I told him not to
do it. He's the one who's insane.
He only spent about one hundred
dollars so far though --
LENA
Your sister was telling me a pretty
funny story about you, when you
guys were kids and you were
building a ramp for your dog and
you threw a hammer through a
window? Is that right? You threw a
hammer through a sliding glass
door?
Barry starts to WELL WITH TEARS, which he hides very quickly,
holds a hand up to his face as if he's touching his nose, and
then he smiles;
BARRY
I don't remember that, she might be
lying. I have to go the bathroom.
He gets up and goes.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Barry walks in and goes a little crazy. He's mad at himself
and he HITS a stall....it seems loose already and falls
straight to the floor.
This makes him go crazier and he continues to BEAT and KICK
the shit out of the bathroom/stall.
HOLD. He collects himself and then he hesitates, looks
around, tries to collect the bathroom but it's in ruins, he
exits....
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 23 - Tension at the Table
Barry comes back and sits down, seems a little better. Tries
to be a little flirtatious for half a moment before: the
MANAGER comes over, leans in carefully;
MANAGER
Hello.
LENA & BARRY
Hi.
MANAGER
Sir, can I talk to you?
BARRY
Why?
MANAGER
Just have you for one second,
please.
He looks to Lena, excuses himself.
ANGLE, OFF TO THE SIDE.
The Manager and Barry step away, in a quiet section of the
restaraunt, 2-shot, profile, in sotto; SLOW ZOOM IN.
MANAGER (CONT'D)
Sir, the bathroom was just torn
apart.
BARRY
Yeah.
MANAGER
Did you do it?
BARRY
No.
MANAGER
You didn't just smash up the
bathroom?
BARRY
No.
MANAGER
Well who did?
BARRY
I don't know.
MANAGER
You're hand is bleeding.
BARRY
I cut myself.
MANAGER
How?
BARRY
On my knife.
MANAGER
Sir, a young man saw you coming out
of the bathroom.
BARRY
I didn't do that.
BEAT.
BARRY
Why? ...what?
MANAGER
Your hand is bleeding.
BARRY
I know.
MANAGER
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
BARRY
Why?
MANAGER
Sir, I have no way of proving that
you demolished the bathroom --
BARRY
I didn't do it.
MANAGER
Alright, well you're gonna have to
leave. You're gonna have to go.
BARRY
Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
MANAGER
I'm gonna call the police then,
sir.
BARRY
Please don't do this to me.
MANAGER
The police are on their way.
BARRY
Sorry.
He starts to move back....
BARRY (CONT'D)
Can I pay you here? Can I pay you
for our drinks and salad?
MANAGER
That's fine.
Barry takes out some money and hands it over.
BARRY
Keep the change, please.
ANGLE, BACK AT THE TABLE.
They walk back to the table and Barry whispers down to her,
very close, STEADICAM (leads them out - continuous)
BARRY
We should go I think, I don't like
it here.
LENA
Ok.
They head out of the restaraunt.
LENA (CONT'D)
Is everything ok?
BARRY
Yes.
LENA
What happened?
BARRY
Nothing.
LENA
What did he want?
BARRY
Nothing.
They walk a bit.
BARRY (CONT'D)
I have a better idea of where we
can go.
LENA
Ok.
They walk some more.
BARRY
There's a better place for us to
eat.
LENA
Did something happen; are you
alright?
BARRY
Yes I'm fine. Everything is ok.
It's fine. Everything is fine.
They walk some more and get in the car.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 24 - Awkward Conversations in the Car
OVER ONTO BARRY. 75mm OVER ONTO LENA. Rear process or poor
man's process.
LENA
So....how is your harmonium doing?
Barry looks at her......
LENA (CONT'D)
Your portable reed organ....the
piano.
BARRY
Well, it's fine. Thank you.
LENA
Did you pick it up from the street?
BARRY
What?
LENA
Did you take it from the street in
front of your work?
BARRY
...yes I did...?
LENA
Are you learning how to play it?
BARRY
Yes? I'm trying.
LENA
Oh that's great.
BEAT.
LENA
So you must travel a lot with all
that pudding you bought?
BARRY
Yes no not really.
Ratings
Scene 25 - Bittersweet Farewell
Lena and Barry finishing up the date;
BARRY
Ok....well...I'm gonna go.
LENA
...yeah...
BARRY
It was nice to see you again, to
see your face again, to go out with
you --
LENA
I'll be around and back in town in
a few days --
BARRY
Yeah.
LENA
If you come to Hawaii --
BARRY
Yeah, I don't know, we'll see about
that.
LENA
You don't think you'll go --
BARRY
I don't know.
LENA
Ok. Well call me when you get back,
I mean, I'll call you when I get
back. I'll be back for three weeks
and then I go away for a month
after that. So maybe in that
time....
BARRY
Ok. Have a good trip.
They do a shake hands/kiss on cheek goodbye.
CAMERA IN THE HALLWAY with Barry as he walks away .....
CAMERA follows him as he swiftly walks away.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 26 - Unexpected Confessions
Barry steps out of the elevator and walks to the exit,
passing a RECEPTION DESK WOMAN.....we hear the PHONE
RINGING......she calls out;
RECEPTION WOMAN
Are you Barry?
BARRY
Yes.
RECEPTION WOMAN
It's for you.
Barry walks towards the phone;
BARRY
This is Barry.
LENA (OC)
This is Lena.
BARRY
Hi.
LENA (OC)
I just wanted you to know, wherever
you're going or whatever you're
doing right now I want you to know
that I wanted to kiss you just
then.
BARRY
Really?
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
So what do I do then?
Ratings
Scene 27 - A Moment of Vulnerability
Barry is walking up and around, looking for the spot. Two or
three shots of various, him getting a little/slightly
lost.....running/walking....
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - THAT MOMENT
CAMERA pushes down towards him as he walks towards the door.
He knocks, she opens up, CAMERA SLIDES right in and lands as
they KISS and then the kiss turns into a small hug and then
they talk, real close. HOLD.
BARRY
That was good.
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
I'll see you later.
LENA
Ok.
BARRY
I don't freak out very often.
LENA
What do you mean?
BARRY
I don't, no matter what my sisters
say, ok?
LENA
...I don't know what you mean....
BARRY
I don't freak out.
LENA
Ok.
BARRY
Have a good trip.
LENA
Thank you.
CAMERA behind Barry as he walks away...HOLD BEHIND HIM FOR A
BIT LONGER THEN EXPECTED;
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 28 - Coercion at Home
CAMERA inside the garage. Barry pulls inside and parks his
car.
ANGLE, BEHIND THE CAR. Brake lights turned off, Barry steps
out.
INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT/KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT
CAMERA on Barry's trash can, the kitchen light comes
on....SLOW PUSH IN....He enters FRAME and lifts the trash bag
out.
EXT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER
CAMERA is behind Barry now in a new location....he's walking
from his garage where he's just parked his car over to his
garbage area as he throws something out...
....he looks up and sees... Jim and Nate driving the Toyota
Pick Up Truck...he cruises past slowly....keeps going....then
makes a u-turn...Barry turns around and DAVID and MIKE D are
right there...
DAVID
Hey.
BARRY
Hi.
DAVID
I need to talk to you for a second.
BARRY
What?
DAVID
You gotta give me some money.
Barry starts to walk away....David walks alongside him,
casually.....Barry looks over and sees the car has pulled
up....
DAVID (CONT'D)
You made a phone call and you said
you'd help a girl out and then you
didn't....I'm here to get the
money.
BARRY
Wait a minute --
DAVID
No, no, no, no c'mon man, don't
make it a thing --
BARRY
Please don't do this.
DAVID
It's just you need to give me the
money...do you have it right now?
MIKE D violently PUSHES BARRY STRAIGHT TO THE GROUND.
BARRY
Whoa...whoa...wait, wait -- don't
please....
DAVID
How much money do you have in your
pockets?
BARRY
Just take it, take the money in my
pockets, take it, it's fine --
They grab the money from his pockets as they hold him down on
the ground;
BARRY (CONT'D)
It's three hundred and twenty
dollars, just take it.
DAVID
What do you have in the house?
BARRY
Nothing....I mean, really...change,
nothing....that's the cash I
have....
DAVID
You have an ATM?
BARRY
Yes.
DAVID
Is this where you live?
BARRY
Yes.
DAVID
You have another house somewhere or
something?
BARRY
No.
MIKE D
This is three hundred and twenty.
Let's just go to your ATM and
that'll be it --
BARRY
I didn't promise her money. She
said that it was confidential, this
isn't fair --
Mike D pushes Barry's face.
MIKE D
Shut up, be quiet. Be quiet.
BARRY
-- don't --
DAVID
HEY. You made a fucking sex call
and now you're gonna pay. It's not
a big thing -- just give us some
money and then it's over -- we'll
just walk down to the ATM and get
your money out --
BARRY
Alright, alright.
They pick him up and then;
BARRY (CONT'D)
How do you want to do this?
MIKE D
Let's just go to the corner, we saw
a place on the corner, you'll just
get your max out and that's it --
you get out what you can and that's
it --
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 29 - Night Chase: Intimidation at the ATM
CU. BARRY at the ATM. Various CU's as he puts his card in,
presses his info, etc. He looks over his shoulder;
ANGLE, THE BROTHERS.
CAMERA SLOWLY PUSHES IN on the three of them watching Barry.
CU.'s MONEY comes out of ATM. Card comes out. Receipt comes
out. Barry grabs the money.
DAVID
Ok. This is what you get when
you're a pervert -- you said you'd
help someone out and you didn't so
we're just getting some money for
her and that's that.
BARRY
You know, please, I just wanna say
that I didn't say I would help her
out; I was very clear about it....I
don't think that this is
fair.....wait, wait, wait, ouch,
ouch.....
MIKE D walks up out of nowhere and straight towards Barry -
throws a PUNCH straight to his FACE.....Barry stumbles a bit,
goes down to the ground.....he NOTICES IN A QUICK FLASH:
Their UTAH license plate......
MIKE D
You don't challenge what my
brother's saying, you don't say
that --
....Barry makes a mad run for it.....
EXT. STREETS & ALLEYS - NIGHT
ANGLE, BARRY. - VARIOUS ALLEY WAY/STREET SHOTS.
He turns some corners.....makes his way down a side street
and through an alley or two....and then he's running like a
mad man as fast as he can down the street......
EXT. STREET NEAR ATM - NIGHT
CAMERA tracks profile with him.....
......The Boys pull up along side him slowly.....Barry looks
over.....Mike D calls out from the passenger window;
MIKE D
Where the fuck are you going?
Barry starts to slow down. CAMERA behind....as he slows, we
push in....land....he turns into CU. and walks back the
opposite direction......
Ratings
Scene 30 - A Confused Escape
CAMERA holds on Barry as he wakes up. He's dressed in a FULL
BASKETBALL OUTFIT. Lakers shirt, shorts, high tops, etc.
Small bandage over his ARM. He looks down at the outfit;
BARRY
...what the hell?
CUT TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING
CAMERA DOLLIES/ZOOM in real quick to Barry at the Harmonium.
A few more notes are played, something starting to sort of
sound like a melody......but still a little broken....HOLD.
SCORE begins here (ref.notes)
INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Barry brings Lance in and closes the door, speaks sotto,
then;
LANCE
What's up?
BARRY
I think I got in trouble. A little
bit of trouble....
LANCE
What happened?
BARRY
....I made a call.....
(beat)
....and, uh....
BEAT. Barry looks over Lance's shoulder and sees THE PUDDING
stacked up. He stares for a moment;
BARRY (CONT'D)
...ok.....ok......I gotta get some
pudding to go somewhere....
One of the WORKER'S pops his head in, says;
WORKER
Telephone on Line One, Barry.
He picks up the phone;
BARRY
Hello?
RHONDA (OC)
I need to talk to you about your
behavior the other night --
Barry hangs up the phone real fast.
BARRY
(to Lance)
Ok. Well. I'm gonna go out of town.
I'm going to go out of town just
for two days...
LANCE
Where you goin?
BARRY
I'm going to go to Hawaii but you
can't tell my sisters that.
LANCE
Wow, you're goin' to Hawaii, that's
great -- you're goin -- ?
BARRY
Yeah but you can't tell my sisters
that.
LANCE
Ok.
BARRY
Alright: And I have to go and buy
some more pudding for this trip to
Hawaii and as I just said that out
loud I'm realizing it sounds a
little strange but it's not. So can
you come and help me out?
LANCE
Ok.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Barry and Lance exit the warehouse and get into Barry's car --
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 31 - Pudding Pursuits
Barry and Lance are filling up an EXTRA LARGE SHOPPING CART
with PUDDING as Barry explains, CAMERA pushes in;
BARRY
I saw the Teriyaki Chicken first
and that was $1.79 and then the
Soup which made a real deal but
then to come across the
pudding...it's just tremendous when
you think about how most people
just don't look...they
don't....they're not looking at the
fine print, Lance.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 32 - Pudding Panic
They're unloading the pudding which comes in packets of
three, but Barry and Lance are taking them out of those
packets and handing them to the CHECK OUT GIRL one by
one.....
BARRY
(to Girl)
They need to be scanned
individually. They each have a bar
code, so I need it scanned
individually so that each and every
cup appears on the receipt...
CHECK OUT GIRL
What is this, man?
BARRY
I'm sorry.
CHECK OUT GIRL
Are you serious with this?
BARRY
Yes. Sorry.
CHECK OUT GIRL
Well....what do you want, then?
BARRY
Each pudding cup has to be scanned
individually so that...it's for a
giveaway...a product giveaway by
this company...
CHECK OUT GIRL
This is a bunch of bullshit.
BARRY
I'm sorry, I know. I know that
it's....
BEAT. She scans them over and over and over....then:
BARRY (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
She scans and scans and scans and scans....
BARRY (CONT'D)
Sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.
CUT TO:
EXT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY
Barry and Lance pushing the shopping carts....Barry looks
across the parking lot and sees:
A TOYOTA PICK UP coming slowly towards him and Lance...
...Barry starts to move steady/swiftly towards his
car...Lance tries to keep up....Barry gets nervous, looks
left and right...
....The Toyota passes and it's nothing.....Barry and Lance
load the pudding in his car as Barry acts as if nothing
happened. He turns and sees a BABY in a shopping cart and he
reacts;
BARRY
God Damn They're So Beautiful.
CUT TO:
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Barry and Lance stack pudding in, Barry says;
BARRY
You know you can get places in the
world with pudding. That's funny.
LANCE
Yeah.
BARRY
That's funny.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 33 - Closed Doors, Open Thoughts
Barry and Lance walk together towards another Smart and
Final....they walk towards the SLIDING DOORS.....that do not
slide open...Barry walks face first into the doors and
quickly turns around and heads back to the car...
BARRY
I guess they're not open today.
CAMERA holds the long walk back to the car....Barry glances
both directions.....cautious and careful......sees nothing...
BARRY (CONT'D)
That's fine. I think I have enough.
He walks a little faster and gets in the car.....HOLD....SLOW
ZOOM IN....SOUND DROPS out.....he just sits, then, to Lance;
BARRY (CONT'D)
I get really sick of myself
sometimes.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 34 - Fractured Composure
CAMERA pushes in quick, Barry on the phone;
BARRY
No, no, no, no, no. What do you
mean? It doesn't state anywhere
about six to eight weeks.
OPERATOR VOICE
It takes that much time to process
the order and make sure it's valid -
-
BARRY
I had this whole thing in my head,
I was gonna be able to get this to
you today -- I have to leave today -
-
OPERATOR VOICE
I'm sorry.
BARRY
How am I supposed to know what to
do if you don't say it -- if it's
not in your rules and regulations
in your fine print how am I
supposed to know how to be with
this --
OPERATOR VOICE
It takes time to process --
BARRY
No, no, no, no, nO, NO, NO!
Barry drops the phone to the ground, spins around and PUTS
HIS FIST THROUGH THE WALL.....then drops down, lower his
head. CAMERA HOLD CU. as he stops himself, tries to breath;
BARRY (CONT'D)
Don't do that. Don't do that.
That's not right. Calm down now,
please. Please. Ok. Ok. Calm down
now please.
HOLD. "He Needs Me," starts. He closes his eyes.
JUMP CUT TO
MOMENTS LATER:
Ratings
Scene 35 - Pudding Delays and Unspoken Tensions
Barry walks over to Lance;
BARRY
Ok: the pudding is gonna take six
to eight weeks to process so that
isn't gonna work for today, I'll
just take a bath on that today. Ok.
But here's the thing I gotta tell
you:
BEAT. He looks around at the pudding.
BARRY (CONT'D)
....now: this pudding?
LANCE
Yeah.
BARRY
Let's just figure that out later --
(beat)
Ok. I gotta go. I'm just gonna go
now and I'll call you from there,
you're in charge 'till I get back.
And don't tell my sisters anything?
He exits.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 36 - Barry's Flight of Uncertainty
CAMERA (STEADICAM) follows him from the ticket handoff down
the corridor onto the plane.
CUT TO:
INT. PLANE - DAY
CAMERA holds 2-shot on Barry and a BUSINESS GUY sitting
together, just before take off.....HOLD, THEN:
BARRY
I've never been on a plane before.
BEAT. There's the SOUND of the plane starting to move.
BARRY (CONT'D)
What's that sound?
CUT TO:
INT. PLANE - IN FLIGHT - LATER
Barry sits. BEAT. HOLD. We hear the sound of a BABY CRYING.
He looks across the aisle and sees:
A small, THREE YEAR OLD CHILD crying, behind held by its
FATHER. The baby stops crying for a moment, calming down,
breathing heavy, looks around with wide eyes.
CU. BARRY.
HE WELLS WITH TEARS AND A SMILE, CRINGES IN HIS FACE AND WE
SEE THE BUILD UP OF EMOTION, HIS VEINS POP FROM HIS FACE AND
THEN HE SMILES LIKE CRAZY, SMILING AND SMILING AND SMILING,
BRIGHT RED AND PAINFUL.
CUT TO:
INT. HAWAII AIRPORT - LATE AFTERNOON
He walks along the airport, looking out onto planes and palm
trees and people, etc.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT/CURB - TAXI AREA - THAT MOMENT
Barry hops into a TAXI. The CAB DRIVER asks:
CAB DRIVER
Where?
Barry HOLDS a moment, then realizes he doesn't know, SNAPS
INTO A CONTORTION, STARTS TO TEAR and almost SNAP and then
nothing......
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 37 - Desperation on Waikiki Street
Barry on the phone amid a crowd of people passing;
ELIZABETH
Hey. What are you doing?
BARRY
Nothing. I'm just at work and I'm
wondering, you know your friend
Lena?
INTERCUT:
INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT
CAMERA with Elizabeth;
ELIZABETH
What about her? You didn't ask her
out, you're such a pussy --
BARRY
....she didn't, I didn't ask her
out?
ELIZABETH
You're so scared.
BARRY
Do you know where she's staying in
Hawaii?
ELIZABETH
Oh My God, yeah, I know exactly
where she is, why?
BARRY
......she forgot her purse at my
work and I wanted to get it back to
her.
ELIZABETH
No she didn't; that's a lie.
BARRY
I....please don't do this.
ELIZABETH
What? Tell me why you wanna know --
BARRY
I just want to know where she's
staying.
ELIZABETH
Tell me why.
BEAT. HOLD ON BARRY.
BARRY
There is no reason for you to treat
me like you do -- you're killing
me, you are killing me with the way
that you are towards me --
ELIZABETH
-- what are you talking about, come
on --
BARRY
-- all I want is the number of
where she's staying and that should
be god damn good enough, now stop
treating me this way, please --
Just Give Me The Number Elizabeth
Please Now I think I will kill you
if you don't.
JUMP CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 38 - Awkward Connections
Barry on the phone;
HOTEL OPERATOR
Sheraton Wakiki, how may I direct
your call?
BARRY
Lena Leonard's room please.
HOTEL OPERATOR
I'll connect you.
BEAT. A MAN answers the phone;
MAN'S VOICE
Hello?
BARRY
Hello. Is Lena there?
MAN'S VOICE
You have the wrong room.
He hangs up. Barry dials the number again.
HOTEL OPERATOR
Sheraton Wakiki, how may I direct
your call?
BARRY
I just called, I got connected to
the wrong room. I'm looking for
Lena Leonard and there shouldn't be
a man in the room I'm calling.
BEAT. He's put on hold a moment, then it rings, then:
LENA
Hello?
BARRY
Lena?
LENA
Yeah?
BARRY
It's Barry.
LENA
HI. WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU HERE?
BARRY
Yes.
LENA
OH WOW. YEAH. THAT'S GREAT. YOU
CAME, YOU CAME. What are you doing?
BARRY
I'm calling you, I'm standing in my
hotel room, I came because I have
my business trip --
LENA
Well let's do something do you want
to do something, can you meet me?
BARRY
You don't have a boyfriend or
anything do you?
LENA
No. What do you mean?
BARRY
I just wanted to know. When was the
last time you had a boyfriend?
LENA
About six months ago. Why?
BARRY
I just wanted to make sure.
LENA
When was the last time you had a
girlfriend?
BARRY
Where you married?
LENA
yeah.
BARRY
Ok. So you were married for how
long?
LENA
Do you want to meet me and talk
about this stuff?
BARRY
Ok. Where are you from originally?
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 39 - A Romantic Encounter at the Royal Hawaiian
Barry is standing, waiting....HOLD....he looks across the
lobby and sees:
Lena....she's walking towards him with a smile on her
face....
...Barry smiles and walks towards her....
...she walks towards him....
...he extends his arm out for a handshake as they get
closer.....
....she opens her arms for a hug as they get closer....
...They shake/hug/kiss on the cheek.....then on the mouth.
They start making out in the lobby of the hotel.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN - PATIO/BAR AREA - MAGIC HOUR
CAMERA roams through the Mai Tai bar on the beach and finds
them; (Ladies K playing here.)
LENA
You got me out of my hotel room.
You came and got me out of my room.
BARRY
Yeah......yeah.....
LENA
It's so nice.
BARRY
This really looks like Hawaii here.
They look at each other. HOLD, THEN:
ANGLE, MOMENTS LATER.
They walk back towards the hotel. CAMERA (STEADICAM) behind
them as they move --
CUT TO:
INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN/HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
CAMERA follows behind them as they walk......IRIS into their
hands.....she reaches over and holds his hand.....
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 40 - Intimate Confessions
They're in bed making out with their clothes on and a light
on....they hold a second....
BARRY
Do you wanna have sex?
LENA
Yeah.
They take their shirts off.
LENA (CONT'D)
Press together. It feels good.
She cups his face with her hands and tenses;
LENA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, you are so adorable. I
just....god dammit.
BARRY
What's that? What is that that
you're doing?
LENA
I just...your face is so adorable
and your cheek and your skin, I
wanna bite it....I wanna bite your
cheek and chew on it....god damn
cute....fuck....
BARRY
I know what you mean, I know what
you mean, I get this feeling --
LENA
...what...?
BARRY
IIIIIIIIIII don't want to hurt
anything ever, but what I'm talking
about is -- have you ever held a
little puppy or a little kitten and
it's just the cutest, softest, most
precious thing in the world and out
of the blue you get this feeling in
your gut and all you wanna do is
squeeze it. Just fuckin squeeze the
shit out of it. To take a little
puppy and smash its skull...just so
precious, so beautiful. Just so god
damn wonderful and cute you wanna
smack it and kick it and love it.
Fuck. I don't know. I don't know.
And you, you.....I'm looking at you
and I just....your face is so
beautiful I just wanna smash it,
just smash it with a sledgehammer
and squeeze it...you're so pretty.
They kiss and kiss and kiss;
LENA
I know. I know. I know. I just
wanna chew your face and scoop out
your beautiful, beautiful eyes with
an ice cream scooper and eat 'em
and chew 'em and suck on 'em. Fuck.
BARRY
This is funny.
LENA
Yeah.
BARRY
This is nice.
They kiss and make out some more, then: DRUM ROLL into SNARE
HIT THAT LANDS ON THE FOLLOWING SCENE:
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 41 - Crossroads of Deceit
CAMERA on Mike D and Nate driving. HOLD. Martin rumbles out
of a half sleep and says;
NATE
That guy had more money to give up.
JIM and DAVE wake up a bit in the back seat and listen;
NATE (CONT'D)
Long way to drive just for seven
hundred something bucks. Dean
doesn't have to know.
HOLD. SILENCE for a moment.
MIKE D
We're not that far....I mean, if
we're going to, we're not that
far....
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT (BLUE SKY - CRACK OF DAWN DEAL)
The Toyota exits the freeway -- CAMERA TRACKS right with it
as it makes a turn at the base of the off ramp...
....goes under a bridge and then makes a turn getting back
onto the freeway heading in the opposite direction.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 42 - Sleepwalking Shadows
It's dark and Barry and Lena are asleep in bed together.
Barry gets up, in a haze....Lena moves and opens her
eyes....She watches him as he gets up and casually goes to
the corner of the room and starts talking gently to the
wall....
BARRY
(sotto, calm)
You know you're not supposed to do
that. Because I told you.
Seriously. Please. Not that day.
Ok.
LENA
Barry?
He doesn't respond. He's asleep. He moves to the closet and
gets one of the HOTEL ROBES and puts it on and then he looks
right at her and says:
BARRY
I was talkin' to you last Thursday
about that.
He gets the robe tied tight around his waste and then gets
the COMPLIMENTARY SLIPPERS and puts them on. Then he gets
back into the bed and closes his eyes.
CUT TO:
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Scene 43 - Morning Connections
CAMERA pushes in slow towards Lena as she's on the
phone....CAMERA pushes in on Barry as he sits across the
room, listening in his robe....They stare at each other the
whole time.....
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
They need to see the new 484's to
make sure it works with their
OC....
LENA
Ok. What should I do about Eric?
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
Just tell him to call me.
LENA
Ok.
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
So...did my brother call you?
LENA
No.
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
I have no idea what he's doing
then. I'm sorry that didn't work
out.
LENA
It's fine.
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
You wouldn't want to go out with
him anyway, honestly, he's such a
freak sometimes.
LENA
He did seem a little strange.
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
Well...he's not that strange, don't
say that.
LENA
I'm sorry. You're right.
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
I think he's weird, but that's me.
LENA
Should I call you later?
ELIZABETH (O.C.)
I'll just see you when you get back
here.
LENA
Ok.
They hang up and Lena looks to Barry and smiles.
LENA (CONT'D)
Where do you have to go?
BARRY
For what?
LENA
For work.....
BARRY
I don't have any business here. I
came here for you, I didn't have
any business.
CUT TO:
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Scene 44 - A Journey Together
CAMERA follows behind The Stevens Brothers car, then gets up
along side them as they drive back.......
CUT TO:
INT. KAHALA LOBBY - DAY (SCORE BACK TO RHYTHMIC)
Barry and Lena walk out to the valet, leaving the
hotel...(STEADICAM) behind them......
CUT TO:
INT. HONOLULU AIRPORT/SECURITY - DAY (CONTD. UNTIL NOTED)
Lena and Barry go through the x-ray thing. STEADICAM.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT/HONOLULU - AT THE GATE/WAITING AREA
Side by side on the return flight sit Lena and Barry.
BARRY
How many times have you been on an
airplane?
LENA
I think maybe over a hundred.
BARRY
That's right you travel so much.
LENA
Yeah.
BEAT. The plane starts to move.
BARRY
How much do you travel? You travel
all the time?
She nods her head, looks at him. BEAT. HOLD.
BARRY (CONT'D)
I forgot about that.
LENA
Can I come home with you when we
get there?
BARRY
Yeah.
LENA
It's ok to ask that.
BARRY
I thought that you were anyway.
CU. BARRY'S FACE. He looks to Lena. DRUM HIT LOUD. THEN
AGAIN....THEN AGAIN....and we're in the score cue for....
CUT TO BLACK.
It's BLACK FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
CUT TO:
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Scene 45 - Collision and Chaos
It's dark. The garage door opens and we see Barry and Lena in
his car.....they're about to pull in....
...THE TOYOTA PICK UP carrying The Stevens Brothers pulls in
real fast behind them and rear-ends them....
...CAMERA pushes in real fast....
Barry turns and sees Lena's head has been injured.....he
looks behind and sees TWO OF THE BROTHERS EMERGING FROM THE
CAR.....
.....he gets out quick, heads right for them....
MIKE D
Get on the ground, man -- get on
the fucking --
Barry goes absolutely APE SHIT on MIKE D and NATE.....
....it's a mess of VIOLENCE and BRAWLING and Barry seems to
get the best of both NATE and MIKE D......the two other
brothers half get involved/stay in the car.....
.....CAMERA pushes in on LENA (30fps) as she notices Barry
going pretty fucking crazy......
ANGLE. BARRY. As he walks and gets back in the car. CAMERA is
attached to the open door and closes as Barry closes the
door.
BARRY
Are you ok?
LENA
I'm fine are you ok?
BARRY
Yes I'm sorry.
LENA
What is this?
BARRY
Let's go to the hospital.
They drive off.
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Scene 46 - Calm in Chaos
Lena is getting a bandage applied to her head by an intern.
It's very calm and she's very matter-of-fact as it happens.
Barry stands nearby.....and OFFICER is asking her a few
questions;
LENA
...people are just crazy in this
world, I think....
POLICE
...and he came up on the driver
side...
LENA
The first man came on the driver
side....
POLICE
...right...the blonde one?
LENA
They were all blonde.
CAMERA moves over with Barry as he starts to back away from
the scene.....CAMERA watches him as he walks off and away,
down the hall.....out of the hospital......
HOLD on the back of Lena's head as she gets bandaged and
questioned.....
CUT TO:
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Scene 47 - Lonely Connections
CAMERA pushes in from outside, to inside...he's opened up and
is using the phone....
SEXY VOICE RECORDING
-- some of the horniest girls
around -- stay on the line and an
operator will be right with
you....remember, have your credit
card ready and know that Mastercard
is my favorite credit card.
LATISHA picks up doing a fake voice as an "Operator."
LATISHA (O.C.)
This is Janice the operator, who's
this?
BARRY
My name is Barry Egan and I spoke
to you....you called me, you
remember?
INTERCUT:
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Scene 48 - Tension in the Back Room
CAMERA pushes in on Latisha as she looks for what to say:
LATISHA
...no....I don't....I don't
remember you. Who's this?
BARRY
That's not true. That's not true at
all. You said that your name was
Georgia and you said our
conversation was confidential and I
trusted you and you kept calling
and asking me for money, c'mon now
I want to talk to your owner, your
supervisor, whoever runs this, you
understand. Please connect me now.
LATISHA
Can you hang on a second?
She puts him on hold and dials another number, she's real
nervous, holding it in --
INTERCUT:
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Scene 49 - Heated Confrontation
Dean also seems to own a mattress/furniture store in Provo.
Somebody walks towards him, says:
WORKER
Dean, line one....
Dean walks back to the phone and picks it up;
DEAN
Hello?
LATISHA
Hey, it's me. This guy from L.A.,
Barry Egan is calling on the other
line and saying all this stuff, he
wants to talk to a supervisor or
whatever --
DEAN
What did you say?
LATISHA
Nothing.
DEAN
Put him through.
LATISHA
No, no. This is bad, something
might have happened, we should just
--
DEAN
Shut up, just put him on the phone,
it doesn't matter, just shut up --
INTERCUT NOW WITH BARRY/LATISHA/DEAN; She clicks over to him;
LATISHA
Ok, sir....I'm gonna put you
through to my supervisor.
BARRY
Fine, thank you.
LATISHA
Ok. You're connected.
DEAN
Who is this?
BARRY
Hello, my name is Barry Egan and I
called your service --
DEAN
Why don't you shut the fuck up?
BARRY
What?
DEAN
I said calm down and shut the fuck
up. What's your problem?
BARRY
I haven't even told you what's
happened. Your girl that you have
that works there for you threatened
me and two men just chased me --
extorted money --
DEAN
Go fuck yourself that shit doesn't
have anything to do with me - this
is a legitimate bossiness.
BARRY
YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOU GO FUCK
YOURSELF. YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF. MY
LOVE WAS HURT, SHE GOT HURT. I AM
IN LOVE WITH HER AND YOU HURT YOU
AND YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING GET HURT.
YOU DON'T TOUCH HER, I LOVE HER.
DEAN
CALM DOWN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CALM
DOWN SHUT SHUT SHUT UP SHUT UP --
They stop screaming. Then:
DEAN (CONT'D)
Now are you threatening me, dick?
BARRY
You are bad. You are a bad person.
you are a bad person and you have
no right to take people's
confidence in your service --
DEAN
You better watch your mouth, cunt,
you're gonna get hurt.
BARRY
NO. NO. DON'T YOU SAY THAT.
DEAN
I'll say whatever I want --
BARRY
YOU FUCK OFF. YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE
I WILL HURT YOU FOR HURTING HER.
YOU HURT HER.
DEAN
You just told me to fuck off. That
wasn't good. You're dead.
Dean hangs up the phone.
ANGLE, BARRY. He turns away and walks quickly out of his
office with the phone receiver to his ear.....the base of the
phone slides off the desk.....and then the receiver RIPS from
the base and he starts to run....
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Barry runs down the alley way, much the same he ran down with
the harmonium at the beginning of the movie...this time he
has the phone in his hand.....he runs......
CUT TO:
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Scene 50 - Urgent Search
Barry returns looking for Lena. She's not there.
He looks around....does some math in his head.....then:
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL/PAY PHONE
CAMERA rounds a corner and discovers Barry on a pay
phone...the other end is ringing.....(Sound/Prop Dept.Note:
This must be a working phone to call 801-555-1212)
OPERATOR
What city?
BARRY
Somewhere in Utah.
OPERATOR
What's the listing?
BARRY
D&D Mattress Man.
CUT TO:
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Scene 51 - Confrontation at Dean's Furniture Store
CU. on Barry....(UTAH CAB behind him) pan him around to
reveal; Dean's furniture store.
CUT TO:
INT. MATTRESS STORE - DAY
He enters....and EMPLOYEE approaches;
EMPLOYEE
May I help you?
BARRY
I'm looking for the Mattress Man.
EMPLOYEE
Who?
BARRY
Whoever owns this.
EMPLOYEE
In the back.....
Barry walks towards the back.....he rounds a corner....to
reveal:
DEAN is in a back room, he's getting his hair cut by
LATISHA.....he turns and looks at Barry, who stands there
with the phone in his hand.
They stare at each other.
BARRY
I'm a nice and reasonable man. I
didn't do anything wrong. Please
don't make me hurt you.
(MORE)
BARRY (CONT'D)
And I'm telling you: that if you
ever hurt me or if you hurt someone
that I love.....I will hurt you
many, many, many times
over.....because it's not right to
take people's trust.
DEAN
You came all the way from Los
Angeles to tell me that?
BARRY
Yes I did.
Dean doesn't respond.
BARRY (CONT'D)
Can we agree that that is that?
DEAN
That's that.
BARRY
Thank you.
Barry hands him the phone.
Barry exits.....as he's about to go out the doors, Dean
screams;
DEAN
NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE MAN.
CAMERA, PUSHES IN VERY SLIGHTLY ON Barry as he exits the
doors (30fps)
CUT TO:
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Scene 52 - Urgent Return
Barry comes running into the warehouse....Lance and all the
workers are there.....he runs past them...
LANCE/WORKERS
....are you ok? What's goin' on?
Barry? Barry?
BARRY
I'm fine....I'm fine...yes I'm
fine....
LANCE
Where you been?
BARRY
Well I had to go to Utah...but now
I'm here and I'll be right back.
CUT TO:
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Scene 53 - Reconciliation at the Door
Various: Barry gets out of the elevators carrying the
harmonium....he makes the left turn this time.....Barry runs
down the hallway with the harmonium.....(long lens, steadicam
from behind, in front, etc.)
CUT TO:
INT. LENA'S APARTMENT/HALLWAY - THAT MOMENT
He bursts through the door. He places the harmonium down on
the ground.....He rings the bell.....
...she answers....he says:
BARRY
Lena I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry
that I left you at the
hospital..... I called a phone sex
line. I called a phone sex line
before I met you and then these
four blond brothers came after me
and you got hurt and I'm sorry --
and I had to leave because I don't
want you to get hurt again and now
I'm here and I'm back and I have a
lot of pudding that I can redeem in
six to eight weeks and if you give
me that much time I can get enough
miles to fly with you wherever you
have to go if you have to travel
for your job because I don't want
to be anywhere without you.....can
you please let me redeem the
mileage?
LENA
You left me at the hospital.
BARRY
I'm sorry.
LENA
You can't do that.
BARRY
Ok.
BEAT.
BARRY
If you give me six to eight weeks I
can redeem the mileage and then I
can with you wherever you have to
travel......
LENA
So here we go.
CAMERA PUSHES IN AS MY KISS.
REVERSE, BARRY.
CAMERA slowly pushes in as he hugs Lena. LAND IN CU.
FADE OUT...
Ratings
Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:
| Character | Arc | Critique | Suggestions |
|---|---|---|---|
| barry egan | Barry Egan's character arc follows his journey from a socially awkward and lonely individual to someone who confronts his vulnerabilities and seeks genuine connections. Initially, Barry is depicted as hesitant and evasive, struggling with communication and plagued by emotional turmoil. As the story progresses, he faces various challenges that force him to confront his insecurities and the pressures of his financial situation. Through interactions with other characters, particularly Lena, Barry begins to engage more openly, revealing his deeper emotions and desires. By the climax, he experiences a pivotal moment of self-discovery that empowers him to embrace his vulnerabilities and assert himself in relationships. Ultimately, Barry's journey culminates in a newfound sense of confidence and connection, allowing him to break free from his routine of isolation and embrace a more fulfilling life. | While Barry's character arc is compelling, it may benefit from a clearer progression of his emotional growth. The screenplay could enhance the depth of his transformation by providing more significant challenges that force him to confront his fears and insecurities. Additionally, the moments of assertiveness could be more pronounced, allowing the audience to witness his evolution in real-time rather than through subtle hints. The balance between his comedic quirks and emotional depth should be carefully managed to ensure that the audience remains engaged with his journey. | To improve Barry's character arc, consider introducing a mentor or a pivotal relationship that challenges him to step outside his comfort zone more dramatically. This character could serve as a catalyst for his growth, pushing him to confront his fears and insecurities head-on. Additionally, incorporating more high-stakes situations that require Barry to make decisive choices could heighten the tension and showcase his development. Finally, ensure that the resolution of his arc is satisfying and reflects a significant change in his character, perhaps by illustrating how he applies his newfound confidence in a meaningful way, solidifying his transformation. |
| lena leonard | Lena's character arc begins with her as a friendly and inquisitive individual, eager to connect with others and help those around her. As she interacts with Barry, she initially embodies a supportive role, attempting to engage him and navigate his awkwardness. However, as the story unfolds, Lena's confidence grows, and she becomes more assertive, taking charge of situations and making decisions quickly. This shift reveals her complexity and depth, as she grapples with her own vulnerabilities while trying to connect with Barry. By the end of the feature, Lena has transformed from a supportive friend into a more self-assured individual who embraces her own emotions and desires, ultimately forging a deeper connection with Barry and finding her own voice in the process. | While Lena's character arc is compelling, it may benefit from further exploration of her internal conflicts and motivations. The transition from a friendly, inquisitive character to a more assertive and confident individual could be more nuanced. Currently, her assertiveness seems to emerge rather abruptly, which may detract from the authenticity of her development. Additionally, the screenplay could delve deeper into Lena's backstory to provide context for her behavior and choices, allowing the audience to better understand her journey. | To improve Lena's character arc, consider incorporating moments of self-reflection where she confronts her vulnerabilities and fears. This could involve flashbacks or conversations with other characters that reveal her past experiences and how they shape her current behavior. Gradually building her confidence through smaller victories or challenges would make her transformation feel more organic. Additionally, exploring her relationship with Barry in greater depth could enhance the emotional stakes of her journey, allowing for a more satisfying resolution that highlights both characters' growth. |
| lance | Lance begins as a supportive friend who is primarily reactive to Barry's whims and decisions. As the story progresses, he becomes more assertive, learning to voice his own opinions and frustrations while still being there for Barry. This growth culminates in a pivotal moment where Lance must choose between supporting Barry's impulsive decisions or standing up for what he believes is right. By the end of the feature, Lance has developed a stronger sense of self, balancing his supportive nature with the ability to set boundaries, ultimately leading to a deeper friendship with Barry based on mutual respect. | While Lance serves as a solid supporting character, his arc could benefit from more depth and complexity. Currently, he primarily reacts to Barry's actions without a clear personal journey of his own. This can make him feel somewhat one-dimensional, as his character is largely defined by his relationship with Barry rather than his own individual experiences and growth. | To improve Lance's character arc, consider giving him a subplot that explores his own challenges or aspirations outside of his relationship with Barry. This could involve a personal goal that he struggles to achieve, which parallels Barry's journey. Additionally, incorporating moments where Lance must confront his own fears or insecurities would add depth to his character. By allowing Lance to have his own moments of triumph and failure, the audience can connect with him on a more personal level, making his eventual growth more impactful. |
| barry |
|
While Barry's character arc is compelling, it risks becoming predictable due to his consistent portrayal of vulnerability and emotional turmoil. The emotional outbursts, while impactful, may not fully explore the nuances of his character. Additionally, the resolution may feel rushed if not adequately developed throughout the screenplay, potentially undermining the depth of his transformation. | To enhance Barry's character arc, consider introducing more varied challenges that test his growth in different ways, such as external conflicts that force him to step out of his comfort zone. Incorporate moments of humor and lightness to balance his emotional struggles, allowing for a more rounded portrayal. Additionally, explore his relationships with other characters to provide depth and contrast to his interactions with Lena, showcasing how his growth impacts those around him. Finally, ensure that the resolution feels earned by gradually building up to it through consistent character development and meaningful interactions. |
| lena | Lena's character arc begins with her as a confident and curious individual, eager to connect with Barry. As the story progresses, she faces challenges that test her emotional resilience and independence, particularly when dealing with Barry's volatility and emotional struggles. Initially, Lena exhibits reluctance and hurt due to Barry's actions, but she ultimately demonstrates her capacity for forgiveness and understanding. By the end of the screenplay, Lena evolves into a more self-aware character, having navigated her own vulnerabilities while supporting Barry. This journey allows her to embrace her emotional depth and assert her needs, leading to a more balanced relationship with Barry where both characters grow together. | While Lena's character is well-developed and exhibits a range of emotions, her arc could benefit from more explicit moments of personal growth that are independent of her relationship with Barry. Currently, her development is heavily tied to her interactions with him, which may limit her individuality as a character. Additionally, while her empathetic nature is a strength, there could be moments where she asserts her boundaries more clearly, showcasing her independence and strength in a more pronounced way. | To enhance Lena's character arc, consider incorporating subplots that allow her to explore her own passions, goals, or challenges outside of her relationship with Barry. This could involve her pursuing a personal project, facing a conflict that tests her values, or engaging with other characters that highlight different facets of her personality. Additionally, moments where Lena stands up for herself or expresses her needs more assertively would add depth to her character and reinforce her independence. By giving Lena her own narrative threads, the screenplay can create a richer, more nuanced portrayal of her journey. |
| elizabeth | Throughout the screenplay, Elizabeth evolves from a confrontational and somewhat judgmental figure into a more empathetic and understanding sister. Initially, her assertiveness is driven by a desire to help Barry, but as the story progresses, she learns to balance her push for his growth with a recognition of his boundaries and emotional state. By the climax, Elizabeth realizes that her approach may have been too aggressive, leading her to adopt a more supportive and compassionate stance, ultimately strengthening their sibling bond. | While Elizabeth's assertiveness serves as a strong catalyst for Barry's development, her character risks becoming one-dimensional if she remains solely a confrontational force. The screenplay could benefit from deeper exploration of her motivations and vulnerabilities, which would add layers to her character and make her more relatable. Additionally, her arc could feel rushed if her transformation from confrontational to empathetic is not adequately developed. | To improve Elizabeth's character arc, consider incorporating moments that reveal her own struggles or insecurities, which would provide context for her assertiveness. Allow her to experience setbacks or moments of doubt that challenge her approach to helping Barry. This could lead to a more gradual and believable transformation, where she learns to listen and adapt her methods. Including scenes where she reflects on her own relationships or past experiences could also enrich her character and make her eventual growth feel more earned. |
| latisha | Latisha's character arc begins with her established role as a strong-willed leader who confidently confronts others and drives the narrative. As the story unfolds, she faces challenges that test her assertiveness, particularly in her interactions with Barry, where she must balance her leadership qualities with empathy and vulnerability. This culminates in a moment of self-reflection, where she realizes that true strength also involves acknowledging her own fears and uncertainties. By the end of the feature, Latisha emerges as a more rounded character, having learned to embrace her vulnerabilities while maintaining her assertive nature, ultimately leading to a deeper connection with those around her. | While Latisha's character is strong and assertive, her arc could benefit from more gradual development. The transition from a confident leader to a more vulnerable character feels somewhat abrupt. Additionally, her role as the fake operator introduces conflict, but it may overshadow her personal growth. The screenplay could explore her motivations for this deception more deeply, allowing the audience to understand her internal conflict better. This would create a more cohesive arc that ties her assertiveness and vulnerability together. | To improve Latisha's character arc, consider incorporating scenes that gradually reveal her vulnerabilities before the pivotal moment with Barry. This could involve flashbacks or interactions with other characters that showcase her struggles and fears. Additionally, provide more context for her role as the fake operator, perhaps by exploring her reasons for deception and how it relates to her character growth. Finally, ensure that her assertiveness is not diminished by her vulnerability; instead, show how she integrates both aspects to become a more effective leader and a more relatable character. |
| david | David's character arc begins with him as a cautious and hesitant individual, often overshadowed by more assertive characters. As the narrative unfolds, he faces challenges that force him to confront his fears and insecurities. Through a series of escalating conflicts, David gradually transforms into a more assertive figure, learning to stand up for himself and take control of his circumstances. By the climax of the screenplay, he fully embraces his newfound assertiveness, becoming confrontational and manipulative, which ultimately leads to a power struggle with Barry. This arc highlights David's journey from passivity to dominance, illustrating the complexities of his character and the impact of external pressures on his development. | While David's character arc showcases a compelling transformation from hesitance to assertiveness, it may come across as somewhat abrupt or lacking in depth. The transition from a reserved negotiator to a confrontational manipulator could benefit from more gradual development, allowing the audience to witness the internal struggles and motivations that drive his change. Additionally, the portrayal of David's aggressive side may risk alienating the audience if not balanced with moments of vulnerability or reflection, making it difficult for viewers to empathize with him. | To improve David's character arc, consider incorporating more scenes that explore his internal conflict and the reasons behind his transformation. This could involve flashbacks or dialogues that reveal his past experiences with assertiveness and conflict. Additionally, introducing a mentor or a pivotal event that catalyzes his change could provide a more believable progression. Balancing his aggressive tendencies with moments of self-doubt or moral questioning can also help maintain audience empathy. Finally, allowing for a resolution that reflects on the consequences of his assertiveness—whether positive or negative—can add depth to his character and provide a more satisfying arc. |
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:
| Pattern | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Tense Tones Strongly Correlate with High Conflict Scores | In this script, scenes with 'Tense' in the tone average a Conflict score of approximately 8.0, compared to about 5.5 in scenes without it. This suggests that the author's use of tension effectively builds conflict, but there are anomalies like scene 21, where 'Tense' tone pairs with a low Conflict score of 4, indicating potential missed opportunities for consistent escalation that the author might refine. |
| Emotional Tones Consistently Enhance Emotional Impact and Character Changes | Scenes featuring 'Emotional' tone almost always score 9 or above in Emotional Impact (average 9.0) and have high Character Changes scores (average 8.0), demonstrating the author's strength in deep emotional portrayal. However, these scenes often have lower High Stakes (average 5.5), which might make character development feel introspective but less urgent, an aspect the author could balance to heighten overall tension. |
| Awkward Tones Boost Dialogue but May Undercut Story Progression | A pattern shows that scenes with 'Awkward' in the tone have an average Dialogue score of 8.5, higher than the overall average of 8.3, indicating the author's skill in crafting engaging, awkward interactions. Yet, these scenes frequently score lower in Move Story Forward (average 6.5), suggesting that while awkwardness adds charm and realism, it might slow narrative momentum in ways the author could address by integrating more plot-driving elements. |
| Low High Stakes in Intimate and Reflective Scenes Hinder Climactic Build-Up | Intimate or Reflective tones (e.g., scenes 10, 12, 25, 33) often correlate with High Stakes scores below 6 (average 4.5), even when Emotional Impact is high. This could imply that these moments, while emotionally resonant, don't contribute to a sense of urgency, potentially making the script's build-up feel uneven. The author might not realize how this affects pacing, and increasing stakes in these scenes could create a more compelling arc. |
| Confrontational Tones Drive Peak Conflict and Character Growth but Risk Repetition | Scenes with 'Confrontational' tone (e.g., scenes 7, 9, 18, 19, 23) have an average Conflict score of 8.8 and Character Changes of 8.2, showing strong correlation where conflict catalyzes development. However, the frequent use of similar tones across the script might lead to repetitive dynamics, as seen in multiple high-conflict scenes with similar score patterns, which the author could vary to avoid predictability and maintain freshness. |
| Early Scenes Show Slower Story Progression Despite High Engagement | In the first 10 scenes, the average score for Move Story Forward is 7.3, lower than the script's overall average of 7.7, even though tones like Curiosity and Intrigue are present. This indicates a gradual start that might delay engagement, something the author may overlook, as later scenes (e.g., 18-30) see increases in Conflict and Stakes, suggesting opportunities to tighten the opening for better flow. |
| Humorous and Quirky Tones Provide Relief but Occasionally Diminish Stakes | Scenes with 'Humorous' or 'Quirky' tones (e.g., scenes 4, 8, 11) score well in Dialogue and Emotional Impact (averages 8.5 and 8.0), offering effective light-hearted breaks. However, they often pair with lower High Stakes (average 6.5), which could unintentionally reduce tension in critical moments. The author might not be aware of how this contrast affects the script's intensity, and modulating humor could ensure it complements rather than competes with dramatic elements. |
Writer's Craft Overall Analysis
The screenplay demonstrates a strong grasp of character dynamics, emotional depth, and tension-building techniques. The writer effectively captures authentic dialogue and relatable interactions, creating engaging narratives. However, there are opportunities to enhance character development, pacing, and the balance between humor and drama. Overall, the writing showcases potential but could benefit from further refinement in specific areas.
Key Improvement Areas
Suggestions
| Type | Suggestion | Rationale |
|---|---|---|
| Book | 'Save the Cat!' by Blake Snyder | This book provides valuable insights into structuring engaging scenes and developing well-rounded characters, which can enhance the writer's craft. |
| Screenplay | 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' by Charlie Kaufman | This screenplay exemplifies the blending of humor and emotional depth, offering insights into character-driven narratives and unique dialogue techniques. |
| Exercise | Practice writing dialogue-only scenes focusing on subtext and emotional dynamics.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise will help sharpen the writer's ability to convey complex emotions and relationships through dialogue, enhancing the authenticity of character interactions. |
| Video | Watch analysis videos on pacing and tension-building in screenwriting. | Understanding pacing techniques can further enhance the impact of the writer's scenes and improve the overall narrative flow. |
| Exercise | Write scenes with contrasting tones to explore the interplay between humor and drama.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise can help the writer refine their ability to balance different emotional elements within a scene, enhancing the depth of character interactions. |
| Exercise | Practice writing character monologues to delve deeper into their internal struggles and motivations.Practice In SceneProv | This exercise will help the writer further develop character depth and emotional complexity, allowing for richer storytelling. |
Stories Similar to this one
| Story | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Punch-Drunk Love | This is the film from which the script summary is derived. It follows Barry Egan, a man struggling with emotional issues and social anxiety, as he navigates chaotic events in his life, including a budding romance and personal crises. The themes of isolation, awkwardness in relationships, and the use of a harmonium as a symbol of Barry's emotional state are central to both the summary and the film. |
| The Graduate | Both stories feature a protagonist who is socially awkward and struggles with romantic relationships. In 'The Graduate,' Benjamin Braddock is uncertain about his future and finds himself in a complicated love triangle, similar to Barry's emotional turmoil and his relationship with Lena. |
| Her | In 'Her,' the protagonist, Theodore, experiences loneliness and emotional struggles while forming a connection with an artificial intelligence. Both stories explore themes of isolation, the search for connection, and the complexities of modern relationships, paralleling Barry's journey with Lena. |
| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind | This film delves into the intricacies of love and memory, focusing on characters who grapple with their emotional states and relationships. Like Barry, the characters in this film experience confusion and emotional upheaval, highlighting the challenges of intimacy and vulnerability. |
| Frances Ha | Both 'Frances Ha' and the script feature protagonists who are navigating their personal and professional lives with a sense of awkwardness and uncertainty. Frances, like Barry, struggles with relationships and self-identity, leading to humorous yet poignant moments. |
| Little Miss Sunshine | This film centers around a dysfunctional family on a road trip, showcasing themes of personal struggle, emotional breakdowns, and the pursuit of happiness. Barry's interactions with his sisters and his emotional outbursts resonate with the family dynamics and personal challenges faced by the characters in 'Little Miss Sunshine.' |
| Silver Linings Playbook | Both stories feature protagonists dealing with mental health issues and the complexities of relationships. Pat and Barry both experience emotional highs and lows while trying to connect with others, particularly in romantic contexts, highlighting the challenges of love and acceptance. |
| The Lobster | In 'The Lobster,' characters navigate a bizarre world where they must find romantic partners or face dire consequences. The absurdity of the situations and the exploration of love and loneliness parallel Barry's experiences with Lena and his struggles to connect in a chaotic environment. |
| About Time | This film explores themes of love, family, and the passage of time, focusing on a protagonist who learns to appreciate life's moments. Barry's journey with Lena and his emotional growth reflect similar themes of cherishing relationships and personal development. |
Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay
| Trope | Trope Details | Trope Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| The Everyman | Barry Egan is portrayed as an ordinary man struggling with anxiety and social awkwardness, making him relatable to the audience. | The Everyman trope features a protagonist who is an average person facing extraordinary circumstances. This trope is often used to create a connection with the audience. An example is Arthur Dent from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', who is an ordinary man thrust into an absurd universe. |
| Awkward First Date | Barry and Lena's interactions are filled with awkwardness and misunderstandings, particularly during their initial meetings. | This trope highlights the discomfort and nervousness often associated with first dates, making the characters' chemistry more relatable. A classic example is the dinner scene in 'When Harry Met Sally', where the characters navigate their awkwardness. |
| Quirky Sidekick | The quirky sidekick is a character who adds humor and personality to the main character's journey. An example is Donkey from 'Shrek', who provides comic relief and support to Shrek. | |
| Miscommunication | Miscommunication is a common trope in romantic comedies, where characters fail to express their true feelings, leading to conflict. An example is in '10 Things I Hate About You', where misunderstandings drive the plot. | |
| Emotional Breakdown | This trope showcases a character's vulnerability and emotional struggles, often leading to character growth. An example is in 'Silver Linings Playbook', where the protagonist has several emotional breakdowns that reveal his inner turmoil. | |
| The Loveable Loser | This trope features a protagonist who is endearing despite their failures, often leading to a redemptive arc. An example is George Costanza from 'Seinfeld', who is often unsuccessful but remains relatable and funny. | |
| The Unlikely Hero | This trope involves an ordinary character rising to the occasion in extraordinary circumstances. An example is Frodo Baggins from 'The Lord of the Rings', who is an unlikely hero tasked with a monumental quest. | |
| Redemption Arc | A redemption arc involves a character seeking to atone for their mistakes and grow as a person. An example is Tony Stark in 'Iron Man', who evolves from a self-centered billionaire to a hero. | |
| The Call to Adventure | The call to adventure is a common trope in storytelling where the protagonist is invited to embark on a journey. An example is in 'The Wizard of Oz', where Dorothy is called to leave Kansas for Oz. |
| Theme | Theme Details | Themee Explanation | ||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Emotional Instability and Anxiety | Barry's consistent emotional outbursts, crying spells, physical tics, and tendency to lash out violently (punching walls, destroying bathrooms, physically attacking others) are central to his character and drive the plot. His inability to manage his emotions, often triggered by minor stressors, creates chaos and isolates him. | This theme explores the internal struggles of a character battling with deep-seated emotional issues. Barry's anxiety manifests in unpredictable and often destructive ways, making him a compelling yet tragic figure who struggles to navigate social interactions and his own internal world. | ||||||||||||
Strengthening Emotional Instability and Anxiety:
| ||||||||||||||
| The Search for Genuine Connection and Intimacy | Barry's interactions with Lena represent his most significant attempt at forming a genuine romantic connection. His efforts, though often awkward and derailed by his own issues, reveal a deep yearning for acceptance and love. His physical attraction and emotional vulnerability with Lena contrast sharply with his other relationships. | This theme focuses on the universal human desire for meaningful relationships. Barry's journey, despite its chaotic nature, is ultimately a quest to find someone who can understand and accept him, flaws and all, and with whom he can forge a lasting bond. | ||||||||||||
| Familial Pressure and Expectations | Barry's seven sisters (or eight) exert immense pressure on him, constantly calling about parties, making judgments about his life, and pushing him towards relationships. Their overbearing nature contributes to his anxiety and sense of inadequacy. | This theme examines the impact of family dynamics on an individual's psychological state. Barry's sisters represent a source of immense social pressure, highlighting how family can both support and hinder personal growth and well-being. | ||||||||||||
| The Absurdity of Consumerism and Modern Life | The film satirizes the mundane aspects of modern life, such as the convoluted airline promotion for Healthy Choice products, the pursuit of novelty items, and the transactional nature of phone sex services. Barry's obsession with accumulating pudding for airline miles is a prime example of this absurdity. | This theme critiques the often illogical and overwhelming aspects of contemporary society, particularly its consumer culture. It highlights how individuals can become trapped in meaningless pursuits, reflecting a broader societal disconnect. | ||||||||||||
| The Nature of Violence and Aggression | Barry's violent outbursts, while often stemming from his emotional distress, are significant plot points. His physical confrontations and destructive acts raise questions about the underlying causes of such behavior and its consequences. | This theme delves into the manifestations of aggression, exploring its triggers, its expression, and its impact on both the perpetrator and those around them. It questions whether violence is an inherent trait or a learned response to overwhelming circumstances. | ||||||||||||
| The Search for Help and Self-Improvement | Barry's attempts to seek help, whether through confiding in Walter (who is a dentist, not a doctor), the phone sex operator, or contemplating a psychiatrist, reveal his awareness of his struggles and his desire to improve, even if his methods are unconventional or misguided. | This theme explores the human drive to seek solutions for personal problems and the often-difficult process of self-discovery and betterment. It highlights the various avenues individuals may pursue in their quest for well-being. | ||||||||||||
Screenwriting Resources on Themes
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Studio Binder | Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters |
| Coverfly | Improving your Screenplay's theme |
| John August | Writing from Theme |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics | Screenwriting basics - beginner video |
| What is theme | Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay. |
| Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script | Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts |
| Voice Analysis | |
|---|---|
| Summary: | The writer's voice is characterized by a strong emphasis on naturalistic, often hesitant, and emotionally raw dialogue that highlights the inner turmoil and anxieties of its characters, particularly Barry Egan. This is combined with a keen observation of mundane details and everyday interactions, which are frequently juxtaposed with moments of sudden, surreal, or unsettling events. The narrative is propelled by subtle character dynamics, awkward social encounters, and an exploration of themes such as isolation, desire, and the struggle for connection. There's a delicate balance of observational humor and poignant vulnerability, creating a mood that is both relatable and disquieting. |
| Voice Contribution | The writer's voice contributes to the overall mood by creating a sense of grounded realism that is consistently disrupted by unexpected and often absurd occurrences, fostering a feeling of unease and fascination. It enhances the themes of isolation and the search for connection by meticulously detailing the characters' internal struggles and awkward attempts at communication. The dialogue, in particular, lends significant depth to the characters, revealing their insecurities, desires, and complexities through what is said and, crucially, what is left unsaid. The directions and narrative descriptions often mirror Barry's internal state, further immersing the audience in his subjective experience. |
| Best Representation Scene | 11 - Barry's Vulnerable Call |
| Best Scene Explanation | Scene 11 best showcases the author's unique voice due to its perfect synthesis of naturalistic, hesitant dialogue, the exploration of Barry's profound isolation and vulnerability, and the subtle tension created by a mundane yet unsettling interaction with a phone sex operator. The scene effectively highlights Barry's deep-seated anxiety and his struggle with privacy and connection, while the scene's direction emphasizes his emotional state and hesitance, making it a quintessential example of the writer's signature style. |
- Overall originality score: 8
- Overall originality explanation: The script showcases a blend of mundane and surreal elements, particularly through the character of Barry Egan, whose interactions often oscillate between the absurd and the deeply personal. The originality is highlighted by unique situations such as the harmonium's significance, the quirky obsession with pudding, and the exploration of emotional vulnerability through unconventional dialogues. The script effectively combines humor, tension, and introspection, creating a fresh narrative that stands out in its portrayal of everyday life intertwined with surreal experiences.
- Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the script are Barry's obsessive collection of pudding for airline miles, the surreal moments involving the harmonium, the chaotic and humorous interactions with his sisters, and the unexpected emotional depth revealed during seemingly trivial conversations.
- Overall unpredictability score: 7.5
- Overall unpredictability explanation: The script maintains a level of unpredictability through its unconventional character arcs and unexpected plot developments. Barry's emotional outbursts, the chaotic interactions with his family, and the surreal events surrounding his relationships contribute to a narrative that often defies typical storytelling conventions. While some elements follow familiar tropes, the execution and character dynamics keep the audience guessing about the outcomes, particularly in Barry's journey of self-discovery and his relationships with Lena and his family.
| Goals and Philosophical Conflict | |
|---|---|
| internal Goals | Barry's internal goals evolve from seeking control and stability in his chaotic life to finding connection and acceptance through relationships, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness and emotional vulnerability. From initial obsessiveness over small details to confronting his fears about intimacy and failure, his journey reflects a significant maturation. |
| External Goals | Barry's external goals involve navigating various personal and professional challenges, from managing family expectations and business duties to handling relationships and external threats. His journey is marked by attempts to seek help, prove his worth, and eventually reconcile with Lena while dealing with the fallout from confrontation. |
| Philosophical Conflict | The overarching philosophical conflict in the screenplay centers on the tension between vulnerability and emotional isolation, highlighting Barry's struggle between his fear of being hurt and his desire for human connection. This is representative of broader themes of self-acceptance versus the protective barriers individuals create. |
Character Development Contribution: Barry's internal and external goals interweave to depict his growth from a controlled, obsessive individual to a man who embraces his emotions and fears, culminating in a deeper relationship with Lena and acceptance of himself.
Narrative Structure Contribution: The evolution of Barry’s goals provides a clear structure to the narrative, as each scene builds upon his struggles, leading to moments of crisis and ultimately toward resolution, driving the plot forward as he confronts conflicts in both his personal and professional life.
Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts deepen the themes of the story, emphasizing the importance of human connection, the perils of isolation, and the complexities of emotional vulnerability, creating a rich exploration of personal growth and relational dynamics.
Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict
Articles
| Site | Description |
|---|---|
| Creative Screenwriting | How Important Is A Character’s Goal? |
| Studio Binder | What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict |
YouTube Videos
| Title | Description |
|---|---|
| How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict | How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode. |
| Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great | By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes |
| Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals | By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy? |
- Physical environment: The world is depicted as a contemporary, predominantly urban and suburban American setting, spanning locations in California, Utah, and Hawaii. It features a mix of industrial spaces like warehouses filled with novelty items and shipping crates, mundane everyday environments such as supermarkets, homes, and offices, and more exotic or recreational areas like hotels and beaches. Recurring elements, such as the harmonium (a portable reed organ), add a touch of surrealism and eccentricity to otherwise ordinary settings, emphasizing unpredictability and chaos amidst routine life. The physical spaces often contrast confinement (e.g., cluttered warehouses, car interiors) with openness (e.g., streets, hotel lobbies), reflecting themes of isolation and escape.
- Culture: The culture portrays everyday American life with a focus on consumerism, family dynamics, and personal relationships. Elements include obsessive bargain-hunting (e.g., buying pudding for airline miles), familial obligations and teasing (e.g., Barry's overbearing sisters), and social rituals like parties and dates. There is a subtle undercurrent of mental health stigma and the search for connection, seen in Barry's reluctance to seek help and his use of phone sex lines. Cultural aspects also highlight work ethic in blue-collar environments and leisure activities in vacation settings, blending mundanity with moments of whimsy and emotional depth.
- Society: Society is structured around interconnected yet often isolating relationships, with hierarchies evident in workplaces (e.g., Barry as a boss), family units (e.g., dominant sisters), and social groups (e.g., confrontational bar scenes). It depicts a world where individuals are cautious and guarded, as seen in business dealings and personal interactions, with elements of violence and extortion revealing an underbelly of distrust. Social dynamics emphasize informal connections, such as community gossip and professional networks, while also showing how societal pressures can lead to emotional suppression or explosive outbursts.
- Technology: Technology is portrayed as everyday and functional, including landline phones for communication, credit cards for transactions, loudspeakers in warehouses, and basic machinery in industrial settings. It facilitates modern conveniences like airline promotions and phone sex services but also introduces risks, such as anonymity leading to harassment and scams. The use of technology is not highly advanced, maintaining a grounded feel, with elements like pay phones and coupon systems adding a nostalgic touch, highlighting how it both connects and isolates individuals in a contemporary world.
- Characters influence: The world's elements profoundly shape the characters' experiences and actions by amplifying their internal conflicts and external pressures. The mundane and sometimes chaotic physical environments mirror Barry's emotional instability, prompting impulsive actions like violent outbursts or retreats into isolation. Cultural expectations, such as family interventions and consumerism, exacerbate Barry's loneliness and drive him to seek connection through flawed means, like phone sex lines, while societal structures force cautious interactions and defensive behaviors. Technology enables secretive or risky actions but also exposes vulnerabilities, influencing characters to navigate a balance between personal desires and societal dangers, ultimately pushing Barry towards growth and redemption through his relationships.
- Narrative contribution: The world elements drive the narrative by providing settings that facilitate key plot developments and character arcs. Industrial and domestic environments serve as backdrops for Barry's daily struggles and discoveries, such as the harmonium symbolizing change, while contrasting locations like Hawaii offer opportunities for romance and escape. Cultural and societal aspects build tension through family conflicts and social confrontations, propelling the story from isolation to connection. Technology advances the plot through communication devices that reveal secrets and escalate conflicts, such as harassing phone calls, creating a cohesive narrative that explores themes of redemption and human interaction within a relatable, everyday world.
- Thematic depth contribution: The world elements enhance the script's thematic depth by underscoring themes of loneliness, vulnerability, and the search for meaning in a chaotic existence. The blend of mundane and surreal physical environments reflects the unpredictability of life and internal turmoil, while cultural elements highlight societal pressures and the stigma of mental health, deepening the exploration of emotional isolation. Societal structures reveal power dynamics and the consequences of human connections, and technology illustrates modern alienation and the double-edged sword of anonymity. Together, these aspects amplify the narrative's focus on impulsivity, redemption, and the possibility of love, creating a rich tapestry that comments on the human condition in a contemporary setting.
central conflict
Barry Egan struggles with his emotional instability and social anxiety, which is exacerbated by his interactions with women and his family, leading to chaotic situations that threaten his well-being and relationships.
primary motivations
- Barry seeks connection and love, particularly with Lena.
- He desires to escape his dysfunctional family dynamics and emotional turmoil.
- Barry aims to find stability and self-acceptance.
catalysts
- The airline promotion that Barry becomes obsessed with, leading to his accumulation of pudding.
- His encounter with Lena, which sparks a desire for a romantic relationship.
- The violent confrontation with the Stevens Brothers that forces Barry to confront his fears.
barriers
- Barry's emotional instability and anxiety hinder his ability to form meaningful relationships.
- His family's expectations and judgments create pressure and conflict.
- The threats from the Stevens Brothers and the fallout from his phone sex call complicate his life.
themes
- The struggle for personal identity and self-acceptance.
- The impact of family dynamics on individual behavior.
- The search for love and connection in a chaotic world.
stakes
Barry's emotional health, his relationship with Lena, and his safety are all at stake as he navigates his tumultuous life.
uniqueness factor
The film uniquely blends dark comedy with surreal elements, using a harmonium as a recurring motif that symbolizes Barry's emotional state and desire for harmony.
audience hook
The quirky and unpredictable nature of Barry's interactions, combined with the tension of his romantic pursuit of Lena, keeps viewers engaged.
paradoxical engine or bisociation
The juxtaposition of Barry's mundane life with the absurdity of his situations creates a paradox that drives the narrative, highlighting the contrast between his internal struggles and external chaos.
paradoxical engine or bisociation 2
The blending of romantic comedy with elements of psychological drama allows for a unique exploration of love and anxiety, creating a bisociation between the desire for connection and the fear of vulnerability.
Pass / Consider / Recommend Analysis
GPT5
Executive Summary
- Distinctive central character voice and performance blueprint: Barry is vividly written — socially awkward, volatile, yet sympathetic — giving a lead actor a rich emotional and physical palette (tics, outbursts, tenderness). The script repeatedly stages him in specific, revealing actions that define him without heavy explanation. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 21 (INT./EXT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING (Split screen)) )
- Strong visual and motif-driven storytelling: recurring props (harmonium, pudding, coupons), repeated musical cues, and carefully staged physical beats create an audiovisual rhythm that carries theme and emotion more than expository dialogue. high ( Scene 1 (EXT. STREET/HARMONIUM/ARRIVAL) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT) )
- Brave tonal mix of tenderness and aggression: the script juxtaposes domestic violence (window smashing, bathroom meltdown, street fights) with nearly naive romantic intimacy, creating an unsettling but emotionally honest tone that feels fresh and risky. high ( Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (bathroom meltdown)) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- Inventive premise details that fuel both comedy and plot: the pudding/frequent-flyer scheme is original, provides real-world stakes, and becomes a tangible metaphor for Barry's attempts to control his life. medium ( Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT (pudding discovery)) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) )
- Emotional payoff and relationship arc: the Barry–Lena relationship accumulates believable intimacy and a payoff that feels earned, grounded in both physical detail and mutual strangeness. high ( Scene 42 (INT. HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT/NEAR DAWN - LATER) Scene 46 (INT. HOSPITAL - LATER) )
- Causal clarity and antagonist motivation: the phone-sex to extortion pipeline (how Latisha/Dean recruit the Stevens brothers, why the brothers escalate across state lines) needs tighter causal connective tissue. At present it reads episodic rather than motivated, diminishing believability of the antagonists' pursuit. high ( Scene 14 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT (sexy voice asks for money)) Scene 28 (EXT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - CONFRONTATION WITH STEVENS BROTHERS) Scene 41 (EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT (Stevens Brothers driving)) )
- Middle-act pacing and repetition: the pudding-collection montage has comic payoff but risks middle-act bloat as the same gag/beat repeats; tightening and intercutting with rising stakes would maintain momentum. medium ( Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 33 (EXT. PARKING LOT/ANOTHER SMART AND FINAL.) )
- Psychological arc resolution: Barry's request for psychiatric help is introduced but not substantially tracked; either follow it through or remove the seed. As is, the mental-health thread is under-resolved compared to its emotional weight earlier. high ( Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER (therapy request)) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER (breakdown)) )
- Underused secondary characters and motivation: Elizabeth, Lance, sisters, and Dean have strong scene-presence but inconsistent motivations; deepen or economize these roles to sharpen relationships and stakes for Barry. medium ( Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE/NEAR LANCE'S DESK - LATE AFTERNOON) Scene 49 (INT. DEAN'S MATTRESS/FURNITURE STORE - THAT MOMENT) )
- Clear origin and stakes for the Stevens brothers' involvement: the script does not fully explain why the brothers accept Dean's job or why their resort to violence makes operational sense; a short scene clarifying recruitment/pressure would strengthen believability. high ( Scene 17 (INT. STEVENS BROTHERS HOUSE - DAY) Scene 18 (INT. LOCAL BAR/PROVO - LATER) )
- Follow-through on Barry's search for help: Barry asks Walter for a psychiatrist number but there's no follow-up showing whether he attends, resists, or how that process affects him. The emotional honesty of the piece invites a clearer arc here. high ( Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER (therapy request)) )
- Practical logistics on the pudding / mileage resolution: the timeline, costs, and consequences of Barry's redemption plan are fuzzy. The audience needs a clearer sense of risk and payoff so Barry's obsessive actions read as proportional. medium ( Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) )
- Deeper interiority and stakes for Lena: Lena is compelling but functions primarily as the object of Barry's affection. Adding a compact scene that underlines her own vulnerabilities or career stakes would make their relationship more reciprocal. medium ( Scene 21 (INT./EXT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING (Split screen)) Scene 43 (INT. KAHALA HOTEL - MORNING) )
- Stronger epilogue or long-term coda: the final reconciliation is emotionally satisfying, but a short epilogue showing whether the relationship and Barry's self-regulation hold would enhance completeness. low ( Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT/HALLWAY - THAT MOMENT (ending)) )
- Precise mise-en-scène and camera language are built into the script: many scene headings include camera cues and shot intentions (steadycam, push-ins, split screen), signaling a highly cinematic, director-driven script. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) )
- Economic satire embedded in prop-driven comedy: the pudding/miles scheme smartly satirizes consumer behavior and corporate promotions while propelling the plot. medium ( Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) )
- Violence is used as an expressive device rather than pure shock: outbursts (window smashing, fights) reveal inner panic and are juxtaposed with moments of tenderness, creating tonal complexity. high ( Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (bathroom meltdown)) Scene 9 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN/DINING ROOM) )
- Phone-sex storyline operates on multiple levels — humiliation, secrecy, exploitation — and functions as both plot engine and character illumination for Barry's shame and vulnerability. high ( Scene 11 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER (phone sex scene)) Scene 47 (INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (phone sex retaliation)) )
- Formal play (split-screen) is used to dramatize connection and distance between characters, a stylistic choice that elevates the script beyond standard rom-com mechanics. medium ( Scene 21 (INT./EXT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING (Split screen)) )
- Plot economy and causal motivation The writer leans on striking set pieces and character quirks (pudding runs, harmonium, phone-sex calls) but under-develops the connective tissue that makes the antagonists' escalation and some practical consequences feel earned. Example: the Stevens brothers’ cross-state pursuit and violence (seq 17-21, 41, 45) lacks a clear motivating through-line; Dean's role is menacing but under-explained (seq 49-51). This makes some high-stakes moments feel driven by coincidence rather than by tightened cause-effect. high
- Excessive stage-direction and camera prescription The script often specifies camera types, frame rates, and shot behaviors in the text (steadycam, 30fps, push in). While useful to a director, this level of technical direction can read as prescriptive and is atypical for screenplays intended primarily for story assessment (example: opening sequences 1–3, split-screen directions in seq 21). It risks confusing readers who judge primarily on story and character. medium
- Repetitive expository dialogue Certain explanatory passages, especially the pudding/mileage math (seq 31, seq 22), are dialogue-heavy and explanatory, slowing the scene. The information could be shown visually or tightened to preserve rhythm and avoid sounding like a how-to lecture. medium
Grok
Executive Summary
- Barry's character arc from isolated, rage-prone loner to emotionally open partner is richly developed, providing a consistent emotional core that drives the narrative forward with authenticity and depth. high ( Scene 1-53 )
- The harmonium serves as a brilliant recurring motif symbolizing Barry's inner turmoil and budding creativity, enhancing thematic layers without overt explanation. high ( Scene 1 Scene 3 Scene 15 Scene 53 )
- Naturalistic, overlapping dialogue captures family dynamics and awkward social interactions with humor and realism, making characters feel lived-in and relatable. high ( Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 9 )
- Innovative split-screen technique in the date setup builds tension and mirrors Barry's anxiety, showcasing bold visual storytelling that elevates the script's cinematic potential. medium ( Scene 21 )
- The pudding promotion subplot cleverly integrates absurdity with Barry's obsessive need for control, adding comedic relief while underscoring his resourcefulness and isolation. medium ( Scene 8 Scene 30-32 )
- The Stevens brothers' backstory and motivations feel underdeveloped, making their antagonism seem abrupt and less nuanced compared to Barry's arc. medium ( Scene 17-20 )
- Repetitive phone harassment scenes, while building tension, occasionally drag pacing with similar confrontations that could be condensed for tighter momentum. medium ( Scene 11-16 )
- Lena's character, while pivotal, lacks deeper exploration of her own vulnerabilities or backstory, making her primarily a catalyst for Barry's growth. low ( Scene 43 )
- The ending resolves Barry's arc abruptly with a kiss and fade-out, potentially benefiting from a brief epilogue to show sustained change. low ( Scene 53 )
- A clearer resolution to the harmonium's role in Barry's emotional journey; it appears sporadically but isn't tied back thematically in the finale. medium
- More insight into Lena's independent arc beyond her relationship with Barry, such as her professional life or personal conflicts, to balance the focus. medium
- Subtle foreshadowing of the brothers' return in sequence 45 could heighten suspense, as their reappearance feels somewhat convenient. low
- Exploration of Barry's family reconciliation post-Hawaii; the sisters' influence wanes without a final beat addressing ongoing dynamics. low
- Integration of sudden violence (e.g., fist through glass, garage fight) as expressions of repressed emotion adds visceral intensity to the romantic core. high ( Scene 9 Scene 45 )
- The puppy-squeezing monologue in the intimate scene poetically captures the script's theme of love intertwined with destructive impulses. high ( Scene 40 )
- Recurring car crashes and alley sequences bookend the narrative, symbolizing chaos invading Barry's controlled world. medium ( Scene 1 Scene 29 )
- Barry's first plane ride evokes childlike wonder and terror, mirroring his emotional awakening. medium ( Scene 36 )
- Confrontation with Dean in Utah provides cathartic closure to the extortion plot, blending menace with absurdity. low ( Scene 51 )
- Underdeveloped Antagonists The writer focuses intensely on Barry's internal world but overlooks fleshing out secondary characters like the Stevens brothers or Dean, whose cartoonish villainy (e.g., sequences 17-20, 51) serves plot function over psychological depth, potentially reducing tension. medium
- Subtle Thematic Overreach While exploring rage and love effectively, the script occasionally veers into overt symbolism (e.g., harmonium in seq 53) without ironic distance, which might feel heavy-handed in execution compared to the understated humor elsewhere. low
- None evident This professional script exhibits no amateur markers; action lines are economical yet evocative, dialogue is character-specific, and structure adheres to feature standards without exposition dumps or inconsistencies. low
Gemini
Executive Summary
- Barry Egan is an exceptionally well-crafted and compelling protagonist. His extreme social anxiety, explosive temper, and deep-seated loneliness are presented without judgment, making him both fascinating and deeply empathetic. His journey from isolated rage to tentative connection is the script's core strength. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 5 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT) Scene 9 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER) Scene 11 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 12 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 13 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 16 (INT. WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 21 (EXT./INT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING) Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT) Scene 23 (INT. RESTARAUNT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 24 (INT. BARRY'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT) Scene 25 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 26 (INT. RECEPTION AREA/LENA'S BUILDING) Scene 27 (INT. MAZE OF CORRIDORS - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 28 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT/GARAGE) Scene 29 (EXT. GROCERY STORE/BANK PARKING LOT - NIGHT) Scene 30 (INT. BARRY'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING) Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 36 (INT. LOADING AREA/PLANE - DAY) Scene 38 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 39 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN/LOBBY - LATER) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 43 (INT. KAHALA HOTEL - MORNING) Scene 44 (INT. HONOLULU AIRPORT/SECURITY - DAY) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 47 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- Lena Leonard is an equally compelling character, presenting a grounded yet intriguing counterpoint to Barry's volatility. Her agency and quiet strength are evident from her initial appearance, and her genuine interest in Barry, despite his quirks, feels earned and organic. The development of their relationship feels authentic. high ( Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 21 (EXT./INT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING) Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT) Scene 25 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 27 (INT. MAZE OF CORRIDORS - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 39 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN/LOBBY - LATER) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 44 (INT. HONOLULU AIRPORT/SECURITY - DAY) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- The film masterfully weaves themes of loneliness, rage, the search for connection, and the absurdity of consumer culture into its narrative. The airline promotion and pudding subplot, while initially seeming random, cleverly ties into Barry's desperate need for control and connection, eventually serving as a catalyst for his growth and his pursuit of Lena. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- The dialogue is a standout strength. It's sparse, awkward, and incredibly authentic, perfectly capturing the characters' social anxieties and internal struggles. The non-verbal communication, silences, and hesitations are as crucial as the spoken words, adding layers of depth and realism to the interactions. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 5 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 6 (INT./EXT. WAREHOUSE - LATER (BRIDGE/BREAK MUSIC WISE)) Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT) Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 9 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER) Scene 11 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 12 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 13 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 14 (INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 16 (INT. WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 21 (EXT./INT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING) Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT) Scene 23 (INT. RESTARAUNT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 24 (INT. BARRY'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT) Scene 25 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 26 (INT. RECEPTION AREA/LENA'S BUILDING) Scene 27 (INT. MAZE OF CORRIDORS - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 28 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT/GARAGE) Scene 29 (EXT. GROCERY STORE/BANK PARKING LOT - NIGHT) Scene 30 (INT. BARRY'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 33 (EXT. PARKING LOT/ANOTHER SMART AND FINAL.) Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 36 (INT. LOADING AREA/PLANE - DAY) Scene 37 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - LATER) Scene 38 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 39 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN/LOBBY - LATER) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 43 (INT. KAHALA HOTEL - MORNING) Scene 44 (INT. HONOLULU AIRPORT/SECURITY - DAY) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 47 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- The film's visual language and pacing are highly effective in conveying Barry's internal state. The use of Steadicam, tight framing, and deliberate silences amplifies his anxiety and isolation, while moments of sudden violence or emotional outbursts are jarring and impactful. The pacing, while deliberate, masterfully builds tension and allows for the emotional weight of Barry's journey to land. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 5 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT) Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 9 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER) Scene 11 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 12 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 13 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 14 (INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 16 (INT. WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 21 (EXT./INT. LENA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING) Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT) Scene 23 (INT. RESTARAUNT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 24 (INT. BARRY'S CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT) Scene 25 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 26 (INT. RECEPTION AREA/LENA'S BUILDING) Scene 27 (INT. MAZE OF CORRIDORS - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 28 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT/GARAGE) Scene 29 (EXT. GROCERY STORE/BANK PARKING LOT - NIGHT) Scene 30 (INT. BARRY'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 33 (EXT. PARKING LOT/ANOTHER SMART AND FINAL.) Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 36 (INT. LOADING AREA/PLANE - DAY) Scene 37 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - LATER) Scene 38 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 39 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN/LOBBY - LATER) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 43 (INT. KAHALA HOTEL - MORNING) Scene 44 (INT. HONOLULU AIRPORT/SECURITY - DAY) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 47 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- The juxtaposition of extreme violence and tender vulnerability is a striking and effective element. Barry's outbursts, while shocking, are always rooted in his deep emotional pain and his desperate attempts to protect himself or Lena. This contrast creates a unique and unsettling yet ultimately moving dynamic. medium ( Scene 20 (INT. DEAN'S OFFICE/UPSTAIRS/BACKROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 50 (INT. HOSPITAL/PAY PHONE) Scene 51 (INT. MATTRESS STORE - DAY) )
- While the deliberate pacing is a strength in establishing Barry's internal world, some early scenes, particularly those focused on his business dealings or interactions with his sisters, could be slightly tightened. The sheer volume of phone calls from sisters in sequence 4, for instance, while indicative of his overwhelming family, could be slightly compressed for more narrative momentum. low ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 5 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 6 (INT./EXT. WAREHOUSE - LATER (BRIDGE/BREAK MUSIC WISE)) Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT) Scene 14 (INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 16 (INT. WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 30 (INT. BARRY'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING) Scene 33 (EXT. PARKING LOT/ANOTHER SMART AND FINAL.) Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The secondary characters involved in the Utah subplot (Dean, Latisha, the brothers) feel somewhat archetypal and less developed than Barry and Lena. While they serve their narrative purpose in driving the plot and creating conflict, their motivations and personalities could be further nuanced to add greater depth to this significant portion of the story. medium ( Scene 18 (INT. LOCAL BAR/PROVO - LATER) Scene 19 (INT. LOCAL BAR/PROVO - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 20 (INT. DEAN'S OFFICE/UPSTAIRS/BACKROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The phone sex subplot, while thematically relevant to Barry's isolation and sexual frustration, could be slightly condensed. While it serves its purpose, the extensive nature of these calls, particularly in sequences 11-14, might test the audience's patience and could be streamlined without sacrificing the thematic impact. low ( Scene 11 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - LATER) Scene 12 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 13 (INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 14 (INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The pudding/airline promotion subplot, while integral to Barry's character and thematic arc, occasionally feels slightly repetitive in its presentation of him accumulating vast quantities of it. While its thematic resonance is clear, the execution could be slightly varied to maintain freshness across its various appearances. low ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The motivations of the Stevens Brothers feel somewhat underdeveloped beyond their immediate financial gain and the explicit threat they pose. A deeper dive into their specific connection to Dean or their general nihilism could add another layer to their menace. medium
- While Barry's first flight experience is a notable character moment, the internal experience of this significant event for Barry could be explored with slightly more detail or visual representation beyond a brief reaction to sounds. low ( Scene 36 (INT. LOADING AREA/PLANE - DAY) )
- Barry's confrontation with Dean feels slightly abrupt in its resolution. While the dialogue is powerful, Dean's acquiescence could be further justified or explored to feel more impactful, rather than a swift agreement after a verbal threat. medium ( Scene 51 (INT. MATTRESS STORE - DAY) )
- The shared 'HARM Syndrome' (Healthy Euphoric Rage Against Mutilation) or 'cute aggression' between Barry and Lena is a fascinating concept, but its full implications and how it informs their relationship moving forward could be further explored beyond the initial intense bedroom scene. medium ( Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The harmonium serves as a recurring motif and a symbol of Barry's nascent emotional expression. Its presence, from being found in the street to its eventual use in expressing his feelings, is a unique and memorable narrative device. high ( Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 7 (INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER/BLUE HOUR - NIGHT) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 16 (INT. WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 30 (INT. BARRY'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 33 (EXT. PARKING LOT/ANOTHER SMART AND FINAL.) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 53 (INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - CORRIDOR/VARIOUS) )
- The 'Healthy Choice' promotion and the vast quantities of pudding Barry acquires function as a brilliant narrative device. It's a microcosm of his distorted logic, his desperation for control, and his ultimately misplaced efforts to gain something valuable, which later morphs into a genuine means of connection. high ( Scene 4 (INT. WAREHOUSE/MAIN AREA - DAY) Scene 8 (INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT) Scene 15 (INT. WAREHOUSE/BARRY'S OFFICE - MORNING/LATER) Scene 31 (INT. SMART AND FINAL - DAY) Scene 32 (INT. SMART AND FINAL/CHECK OUT - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 35 (INT. WAREHOUSE AREA - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The exploration of Barry's dysfunctional family dynamics, particularly his sisters' teasing and lack of understanding, provides crucial context for his emotional struggles and isolation. Their presence highlights the societal pressures and ingrained behaviors that have shaped him. medium ( Scene 9 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT) Scene 10 (INT. SUSAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER) Scene 37 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - LATER) Scene 43 (INT. KAHALA HOTEL - MORNING) )
- The subplot involving Dean and the Utah brothers, while necessary for plot progression and external conflict, feels somewhat tonally dissonant with the intimate, character-focused nature of Barry and Lena's story. Its integration could be smoother to maintain the overall thematic consistency. medium ( Scene 20 (INT. DEAN'S OFFICE/UPSTAIRS/BACKROOM - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 48 (INT. PROVO - BAR - BACK ROOM AREA - THAT MOMENT) Scene 49 (INTERCUT NOW WITH BARRY/LATISHA/DEAN) Scene 51 (INT. MATTRESS STORE - DAY) )
- The shared moment of 'cute aggression' between Barry and Lena is a highly original and potent expression of their intense, possibly overwhelming, connection. It's a bold choice that reveals the depth of their shared emotional landscape. medium ( Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- Tone Consistency While the script masterfully blends dark humor, raw emotion, and a unique brand of romance, the extreme violence of the Utah subplot (sequences 18-20, 41, 45, 48-51) feels tonally jarring and slightly disconnected from the more intimate and character-focused narrative of Barry and Lena. The abruptness of Dean's character and his aggressive actions, while serving a plot function, sometimes pull the audience out of the core emotional journey. medium
- Character Nuance The characters of Dean and the Stevens Brothers, particularly in their Utah-centric plotline, lean heavily into archetypes of aggressive masculinity and criminal opportunism. While functional, a bit more nuance in their motivations or interactions could make this significant threat feel more organic and less like a plot device. low
- Dialogue Repetition In some instances, particularly concerning Barry's phone calls with his sisters, the repetition of 'your sister's on line one/two' could be slightly condensed or varied. While it emphasizes the overwhelming nature of his family, the sheer frequency without much variation across multiple scenes (e.g., sequence 4) can feel a tad repetitive. low
- Plot Convenience The ease with which Barry discovers Lena's location in Hawaii via Elizabeth's reluctant information (sequence 37) feels slightly too convenient. While it moves the plot forward, a slightly more organic or challenging discovery of her whereabouts might enhance the narrative's believability. low
DeepSeek
Executive Summary
- Exceptional character depth and psychological realism in portraying Barry's social anxiety, repressed emotions, and vulnerability. The script avoids caricature, presenting his condition with empathy and specificity. high ( Scene 1 (Opening warehouse scene) Scene 7 (Barry's emotional breakdown alone) Scene 10 (Barry's confession to Walter) )
- Brilliant use of visual metaphors and symbolic objects that externalize internal states - the harmonium as emotional expression, pudding as obsessive control, violence as repressed emotion. high ( Scene 1 (Harmonium arrival) Scene 8 (Pudding scheme supermarket scene) Scene 40 (Hotel room 'cuteness aggression' conversation) )
- Masterful tonal control that seamlessly blends psychological drama, dark comedy, romance, and moments of surrealism while maintaining emotional coherence and character consistency. high ( Scene 9 (Sisters' party scene) Scene 18-20 (Provo/Dean scenes) Scene 45 (Garage confrontation) )
- Authentic, awkward, yet deeply moving portrayal of developing intimacy between two vulnerable people, avoiding romantic clichés while capturing genuine emotional connection. high ( Scene 15 (Lena returns to warehouse) Scene 22 (Restaurant date) Scene 40 (Hotel intimacy scene) )
- Innovative visual storytelling and cinematic language in the script directions that create a distinctive rhythm and heightened reality without relying on dialogue. medium ( Scene 1-3 (Opening sequences) Scene 21 (Split screen apartment sequence) Scene 36 (Plane sequences) )
- The Utah brothers/Dean subplot, while thematically relevant, feels somewhat disconnected from the main emotional narrative and could be more tightly integrated with Barry's psychological journey. medium ( Scene 17-20 (Provo setup scenes) Scene 41 (Brothers deciding to return) )
- The transition from Hawaii to the final confrontation feels slightly rushed, with Lena's reaction to being left at the hospital needing more emotional exploration before resolution. medium ( Scene 44 (Airport return scene) Scene 46 (Hospital aftermath) )
- Barry's violent outbursts, while thematically consistent, could benefit from slightly more nuanced escalation to avoid potential audience alienation at key moments. low ( Scene 22 (Restaurant bathroom destruction) Scene 34 (Wall-punching scene) )
- More explicit exploration of Lena's perspective and emotional journey - while intentionally mysterious, her motivations and vulnerabilities could be slightly more developed. medium ( Scene 43 (Hawaii hotel work call) Scene 53 (Final reconciliation) )
- Clearer establishment of the legal/ethical boundaries of the phone sex operation to ground the extortion plot more firmly in reality while maintaining its surreal quality. low ( Scene 13-14 (Phone sex aftermath) Scene 28-29 (ATM extortion) )
- Brilliant use of sleep-related scenes and costume changes to externalize Barry's psychological state and subconscious processing of trauma and emotion. high ( Scene 13 (Waking in Adidas suit) Scene 30 (Waking in Lakers outfit) Scene 42 (Sleepwalking in Hawaii) )
- The seven sisters function as a Greek chorus and psychological pressure system, perfectly illustrating Barry's social conditioning and sources of trauma. high ( Scene 9 (Sisters' party) Scene 15 (Elizabeth's interventions) )
- The pudding scheme serves as both comic relief and profound metaphor for Barry's need for control, systematic thinking, and desire to 'earn' connection through quantifiable means. medium ( Scene 22 (Pudding explanation scene) Scene 31-33 (Pudding buying sequences) )
- Recurring baby/child imagery that connects to themes of vulnerability, innocence, and Barry's own arrested emotional development. medium ( Scene 36 (Baby crying on plane) Scene 32 (Baby in shopping cart) )
- Innovative structural choices (split screen, iris effects, 30fps indications) that show a director's visual thinking embedded in the screenplay itself. medium ( Scene 21 (Split screen sequence) Scene 39 (Hotel lobby meeting) )
- Audience accessibility to protagonist's psychology The script assumes audience willingness to sit with extreme social awkwardness and sudden violent outbursts without conventional 'likable' character traits. Barry's psychological state is presented with minimal exposition, requiring viewers to infer trauma from behavior rather than backstory. This could challenge mainstream audiences accustomed to more explicit character motivation. medium
- Tonal balance between realism and surrealism The writer occasionally prioritizes artistic expression over narrative clarity, particularly in scenes like the harmonium's mysterious arrival, Barry's sleepwalking episodes, and the stylized Utah sequences. While thematically coherent, these elements risk alienating viewers seeking more conventional cause-effect storytelling. low
- Over-reliance on parentheticals and camera directions The script includes numerous directorial instructions (STEADICAM, CU, 30fps, split screen) that typically belong in shooting scripts rather than spec scripts. While this reflects Anderson's distinctive visual style, it could be perceived as amateurish in a traditional spec format by overstepping the writer's role. low
- Unconventional scene transitions and structural choices The use of abrupt cuts, musical score indications within dialogue, and experimental sequences (like the split screen) could be misinterpreted as lack of discipline rather than intentional artistic choices in less sophisticated readings of the script. low
Claude
Executive Summary
- The opening sequence establishes a strong sense of character and setting, introducing Barry Egan as a socially awkward and emotionally repressed individual. The script's distinctive visual style, with its use of long takes, close-ups, and overexposed frames, immediately sets the tone and draws the audience into Barry's world. high ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) )
- The script's exploration of the relationship between Barry and Lena is a highlight, with the scenes showcasing strong character development and a nuanced understanding of the complexities of human connection. The dialogue between the two characters is both naturalistic and emotionally resonant. high ( Scene 22 (INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT) Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The script's handling of Barry's emotional outbursts and moments of intense vulnerability are particularly effective, with the scenes capturing the character's inner turmoil and the physical manifestations of his psychological struggles. high ( Scene 34 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - DAY) Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) )
- The subplot involving the Stevens brothers and their interactions with Dean feels somewhat disconnected from the main narrative and could benefit from stronger integration or a clearer thematic connection to Barry's story. medium ( Scene 17 (INT. STEVENS BROTHERS HOUSE - DAY) Scene 18 (INT. LOCAL BAR/PROVO - LATER) Scene 19 (INT. LOCAL BAR/PROVO - MOMENTS LATER) Scene 20 (INT. DEAN'S OFFICE/UPSTAIRS/BACKROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The scenes involving Barry's phone calls with Elizabeth and the phone sex operator feel a bit repetitive and could be streamlined or consolidated to maintain the script's overall pacing. medium ( Scene 37 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - LATER) Scene 38 (INT. WAKIKI STREET/PHONE BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER) )
- While the script does an excellent job of establishing Barry's character and setting the tone, there could be more explicit exploration of the character's backstory and the factors that have contributed to his social isolation and emotional repression. medium ( Scene 1 (INT. WAREHOUSE - EARLY MORNING) Scene 2 (INT. BARRY'S WAREHOUSE - THAT MOMENT) Scene 3 (INT. WAREHOUSE - OFFICE - EARLY MORNING) )
- The scene in the hotel room, where Barry and Lena engage in a surreal and darkly comedic exchange about their mutual desire to "smash" and "chew on" each other's faces, is a standout moment that showcases the script's unique blend of humor, pathos, and psychological complexity. high ( Scene 40 (INT. ROYAL HAWAIIAN HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER) )
- The sequence of events involving the confrontation with the Stevens brothers and Barry's subsequent actions at the hospital demonstrate the script's ability to balance moments of intense violence and emotional turmoil with a sense of restraint and nuance. high ( Scene 45 (INT. BARRY'S GARAGE - NIGHT) Scene 46 (INT. HOSPITAL - LATER) )
- Lack of Diversity The script primarily focuses on the experiences of a white, male protagonist, with limited representation of diverse characters or perspectives. This could be an area for the writer to explore in future iterations to create a more inclusive and representative narrative. medium
- Uneven Pacing While the script generally maintains a strong pace, there are a few instances where the pacing feels uneven, such as the repetitive phone call scenes and the somewhat disconnected subplot involving the Stevens brothers. This could be an area for the writer to refine in order to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative. medium
Memorable lines in the script:
| Scene Number | Line |
|---|---|
| 19 | WOMAN: I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL FUCKING CRUSH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. |
| 5 | Kathleen: Don't puss out. |
| 12 | SEXY VOICE: So what are you doing, then? ...just talking to you.... |
| 38 | BARRY: I get really sick of myself sometimes. |
| 1 | BARRY: Can I call you back if I have any further questions...? Can I get your extension? |