Fargo Pilot

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Drama, Crime, Thriller, Mystery, Dark Comedy, Comedy, Slice of Life

Setting: Contemporary, Saint Cloud, Minnesota, and rural Minnesota

Overview: In the pilot of Fargo, a blizzard sets the stage for a series of violent and unexpected events in rural Minnesota. Lorne Malvo, a mysterious drifter, crosses paths with Lester Nygaard, a meek insurance salesman trapped in a stagnant life. After a chance encounter leads to a violent confrontation with a former bully, Lester's life spirals out of control, culminating in a shocking act of domestic violence. As law enforcement, led by Deputy Molly Solverson and Police Chief Vern Thurman, begins to unravel the chaos, the intertwining fates of the characters reveal the fragility of morality and the unpredictable nature of violence.

Themes: Nature of Violence, Identity and Self-Perception, The Unseen Forces of Fate, Masculinity and Power, The Power of Silence and Deception, The Fragility of Family, The Role of Law Enforcement

Conflict and Stakes: The primary conflict revolves around Lester's moral decline and the violent consequences of his actions, with stakes including his life, freedom, and the safety of those around him.

Overall Mood: Tense and foreboding, with moments of dark humor.

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

  • Scene 1: The mood is tense and bleak as Malvo's indifference to violence is established.
  • Scene 20: The mood is somber and chaotic as Molly discovers the aftermath of violence in the Nygaard house.
  • Scene 30: The mood is darkly comedic as Malvo engages in absurd conversations while orchestrating chaos.

Standout Features:

  • Unique Hook: The transformation of a meek man into a morally ambiguous character through violent circumstances.
  • Plot Twist: The unexpected murder of Sam Hess, which catalyzes the main events of the story.
  • Distinctive Setting: The snowy, rural Minnesota landscape serves as a stark backdrop for the unfolding drama.
  • Innovative Ideas: The screenplay blends dark comedy with crime thriller elements, creating a unique tone.
  • Unique Characters: Complex characters like Malvo and Lester, who challenge traditional moral boundaries.

Comparable Scripts:

  • Fargo (1996)
  • No Country for Old Men (2007)
  • Breaking Bad (TV Series, 2008-2013)
  • The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
  • The Snowman (2017)
  • The Killing (TV Series, 2011-2014)
  • Prisoners (2013)
  • The Coen Brothers' A Serious Man (2009)
  • Gone Girl (2014)

Writing Style:

The screenplay exhibits a versatile and eclectic writing style, drawing inspiration from a diverse range of acclaimed screenwriters and authors. It blends elements of dark humor, suspense, complex character dynamics, and morally ambiguous situations, creating a captivating and unpredictable narrative.

Style Similarities:

  • Coen Brothers
  • Quentin Tarantino
  • Noah Hawley
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Recommend


Explanation: The 'Fargo' TV pilot screenplay is a well-crafted, character-driven story that effectively establishes the series' tone and themes. With strong performances, captivating visuals, and a compelling narrative, the pilot sets the stage for a gripping and sophisticated crime drama. While there are a few areas for improvement, the screenplay's strengths, including its complex character arcs, intriguing mystery, and thematic depth, make it a standout work that will likely resonate with both critics and audiences.


USP: The screenplay stands out due to its unique blend of dark comedy and crime thriller elements, reminiscent of the Coen Brothers' original film. Its character-driven narrative, particularly the transformation of Lester Nygaard from a meek insurance salesman to a morally ambiguous figure, offers a compelling exploration of human nature and the consequences of choices. The setting in rural Minnesota adds an authentic and atmospheric backdrop that enhances the storytelling.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$20-30 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, fans of dark comedies, crime dramas, and psychological thrillers.

Marketability: The screenplay has a strong narrative with complex characters and moral dilemmas, appealing to a broad audience and potential for critical acclaim.

The unique blend of dark humor and crime drama, along with a strong female lead, can attract diverse viewers.

The story's exploration of human nature and moral ambiguity resonates with contemporary societal issues, making it relevant.

Profit Potential: High, due to its appeal to a wide adult audience, potential for awards, and strong character-driven narrative.

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice is a blend of dark humor, sharp dialogue, and a focus on the everyday struggles of seemingly ordinary people. They have a knack for creating suspense and tension through understated descriptions, sparse dialogue, and a keen understanding of human nature's darker aspects. The voice is often quiet, contemplative, and unsettling, drawing the audience into a world where small-town normalcy can quickly give way to violence and moral ambiguity.

Best representation: Scene 2 - Trapped in Sales. This scene effectively encapsulates the writer's voice because it balances mundane dialogue with subtle tension and foreboding. The conversation between Lester and Pearl is a typical, albeit somewhat tense, interaction between a married couple. However, the strange noise from the basement and Lester's decision to investigate it creates an undercurrent of unease. This scene, more than any other, sets the tone for the entire script, highlighting the ordinary lives of people on the brink of extraordinary chaos.

Memorable Lines:

  • MALVO: Your problem is, you lived your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren’t. We used to be gorillas. All we ever had was what we could take and defend. (Scene 28)
  • Malvo: Because some roads you shouldn’t go down. Because maps used to say there be dragons here. And now they don’t. But that don’t mean the dragons aren’t there. (Scene 40)
  • Lester Nygaard: The morgue is full of guys thought they didn’t need life insurance. (Scene 3)
  • Pearl: Guess I married the wrong Nygaard. That’s what I said. We had a good laugh. (Scene 2)
  • Lester Nygaard: What did you do? You killed her. You killed her. (Scene 34)
Characters

Lorne Malvo:A mysterious and manipulative figure who embodies chaos and violence.

Lester Nygaard:A meek insurance salesman who undergoes a dark transformation after a series of violent events.

Molly Solverson:A determined deputy sheriff who seeks to uncover the truth behind the unfolding chaos.

Vern Thurman:The police chief who is supportive of Molly but ultimately falls victim to the violence.

Sam Hess:A bully from Lester's past whose death sets off a chain of events.

Story Shape
Summary "In a small town in rural Minnesota, a blizzard sets the stage for a series of interconnected events that will test the limits of morality and humanity. Lorne Malvo, a mysterious and enigmatic figure, emerges as a catalyst for chaos and violence, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Meanwhile, the lives of Lester Nygaard, Deputy Molly Solverson, and Police Chief Vern Thurman intersect in unexpected ways, leading to a web of deception, betrayal, and tragedy. As the characters grapple with their inner demons and face the consequences of their actions, they are forced to confront the darkness within themselves and the dangerous forces at play in their community. Set against a backdrop of snow-covered landscapes and bleak Midwestern landscapes, the pilot episode sets the stage for a gripping and suspenseful drama that will push the characters to their limits and challenge their notions of right and wrong. Welcome to 'Fargo,' where the line between good and evil is blurred, and survival comes at a steep price."


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The pilot introduces an intriguing premise and a cast of compelling characters with interesting arcs. The narrative thrives on its dark humor and the unpredictable actions of Lorne Malvo, who disrupts the lives of ordinary people. The series' exploration of the dark side of humanity, particularly through the transformation of Lester Nygaard, presents a captivating moral dilemma. However, the pilot lacks a clear central conflict and a compelling driving force. The lack of a unifying threat or a specific goal for the characters makes it difficult to fully invest in the unfolding events. Furthermore, the narrative pacing feels uneven, with some scenes lacking emotional impact or purpose, while others feel overly rushed. The pilot leaves unanswered questions about Malvo's motivations and the overarching purpose of his actions, creating a sense of ambiguity that may not be fulfilling for all viewers. The ending leaves a lingering sense of dissatisfaction, as the climax lacks a satisfying resolution or a clear direction for the future.
Suggestions: To improve the overall plot and story, consider establishing a more definitive central conflict. This could be an overarching threat, a mystery to be solved, or a specific goal that the characters are striving for. Additionally, introduce a unifying theme or motif that ties the different storylines together, providing a deeper meaning and enhancing the overall coherence of the narrative. Furthermore, explore the characters' motivations and goals in greater detail, giving them a clearer purpose and a more tangible connection to the central conflict. Finally, consider revising the pacing to create a more engaging and satisfying rhythm for the narrative, ensuring that each scene contributes to the overall momentum of the story and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The pilot's beginning successfully establishes a captivating atmosphere and introduces the key characters, particularly Lorne Malvo. His mysterious and enigmatic presence sets the stage for a dark and unpredictable narrative. The juxtaposition of Malvo's calm demeanor and the ominous sound from his trunk creates a sense of suspense and raises immediate questions about his intentions. The contrasting scenes with Lester Nygaard effectively portray his timid and insecure nature, highlighting the anxieties that plague his daily life. This initial portrayal lays the groundwork for his potential transformation and creates a compelling dynamic for the story to unfold. However, the pilot's beginning lacks a clear narrative hook that fully engages the audience. It is unclear what the driving force behind the story is, and the individual scenes, while intriguing, feel somewhat disconnected from a central theme or conflict.
Suggestions: To improve the beginning of the pilot, consider establishing a more definitive hook that captures the audience's attention from the start. This could be a shocking event, a mysterious clue, or a compelling question that fuels the narrative drive. Additionally, explore the connection between Lorne Malvo and Lester Nygaard more explicitly, hinting at the potential impact Malvo will have on Lester's life. Finally, consider creating a sense of urgency in the beginning, as the pilot's pacing currently feels too leisurely, lacking the immediacy needed to fully engage the audience.
Middle The middle of the pilot features an engaging exploration of the characters' personal struggles and the impact of violence on their lives. The scenes involving Sam Hess showcase his menacing personality and the fear he inspires in those around him. The introduction of the police investigation adds a sense of urgency and raises questions about the motives behind Hess's death. The pilot successfully explores the complexities of the relationships between Lester, his brother, and his wife, highlighting the tension and resentment that simmer beneath the surface. However, the middle of the pilot lacks a cohesive central plot. The individual storylines feel somewhat disconnected, with little overarching direction or conflict. The interactions between the characters often lack a clear purpose or impact, leaving the audience waiting for the plot to develop.
Suggestions: To improve the middle of the pilot, consider weaving the different storylines more effectively into a cohesive narrative. Connect the events surrounding Sam Hess's death with the personal struggles of the characters, particularly Lester, highlighting the potential consequences of his actions. Introduce a unifying threat that forces the characters to band together or confront their individual demons. The pilot's middle section could benefit from a clear antagonist or a specific goal that drives the action forward. Introduce a mystery element that connects the various storylines and provides a compelling reason for the audience to stay invested.
Ending The ending of the pilot presents a shocking climax with the death of Chief Thurman, leaving the audience on a cliffhanger. The unexpected violence and the ambiguous outcome create a sense of unease and suspense, prompting viewers to question the fate of the characters. The focus on Molly Solverson as a potential protagonist and her emerging investigative skills creates a compelling sense of anticipation for future episodes. However, the ending lacks a definitive resolution or a satisfying payoff for the events that unfolded in the pilot. The plot threads surrounding Lester Nygaard's transformation and Malvo's motives remain unresolved, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions: To improve the ending of the pilot, consider providing a more conclusive resolution to the events that unfold. Explore the aftermath of Chief Thurman's death and its impact on the remaining characters. Offer a clearer glimpse into Malvo's motivations and his future plans, leaving the audience with a sense of understanding rather than confusion. The pilot's ending could benefit from a more definitive sense of closure, providing a satisfying conclusion to the individual storylines while also setting up the main conflict for future episodes. Finally, consider leaving the audience with a clear sense of what to expect in the coming episodes, providing a compelling hook that keeps them invested in the story.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - The Indifference of Suffering Suspenseful, Dark, Intense 9 9 99 9 787978988 89888
2 - The Sound Beneath Exasperated, Resigned, Tense 8 8 78 9 687675667 89888
3 - Trapped in Sales Tense, Creepy, Awkward 8 8 79 9 787776777 89888
4 - Humiliation at the Appliance Shop Dark, Humorous, Intense 8 8 79 9 787988888 89888
5 - Confronting Shadows Tense, Intense, Suspenseful, Confrontational 8 8 79 9 787988888 99888
6 - Cold Discoveries Suspense, Mystery, Dark 8 8 89 7 487677885 69898
7 - Chilling Discovery Tense, Dark, Mysterious 8 8 89 7 687778987 79888
8 - Anticipation at Home Tense, Dark, Intimate 8 8 79 9 787757867 87888
9 - Dinner Conversations: Dark Humor and Nursery Dreams Tense, Intimate, Reflective 8 8 78 9 587463567 87888
10 - Tension in the Garage Tense, Intimidating, Dark, Unsettling, Sarcastic 8 8 79 9 687.5988887 898.588
11 - Tension at the Doorstep Tense, Awkward, Light-hearted 8 7 78 8 687675777 78899
12 - Sibling Rivalry in the Kitchen Light-hearted, Awkward, Familial 8 7 79 9 487574676 89888
13 - Fractured Bonds Tense, Dark, Intense, Confrontational 8 7 89 9 787988888 89888
14 - Tension in the Night Tense, Unsettling, Awkward, Dark 8 7 88 8 787887877 79899
15 - Detour of Deception Suspenseful, Dark, Intense 8 8 88 7 587877886 79999
16 - A Fatal Encounter Dark, Tense, Suspenseful, Morbid, Comedic 9 8 99 8 789989988 89999
17 - Midnight Conversations at the Thurman House Dark, Tense, Mysterious 8 8 78 7 687979878 68899
18 - A Deadly Discovery Intriguing, Dark, Mysterious 8 8 88 7 687988986 89899
19 - The Peculiar Pet Policy Sarcastic, Deadpan, Tense 8 8 79 9 387583674 99888
20 - A Dark Counsel Dark, Humorous, Suspenseful 8 8 88 9 687877877 98899
21 - A Comedic Confrontation Dark, Humorous, Suspenseful 8 8 79 8 687877886 79988
22 - Coffee Shop Investigations Serious, Investigative, Informative, Casual 8 8 78 9 487677875 89888
23 - Emotional Turmoil in the Living Room Dark, Humorous, Mysterious 8 8 79 9 787.5887887 898.588
24 - Disinheritance and Toenails Tense, Dark, Sarcastic, Humorous 8 8 78 8 787877887 99888
25 - Chaos Unleashed Tense, Dark, Suspenseful, Violent, Mysterious 9 8 97 8 787989998 99888
26 - Silent Tensions Suspenseful, Dark, Intense, Mysterious 9 8 98 8 887979979 88899
27 - A Dark Revelation Terror, Elation, Suspense 8 8 98 7 687878977 78999
28 - Confrontation at Arby's Tense, Dark, Intense, Suspenseful 9 9 89 9 887988988 99888
29 - A Lead in the Emergency Room Suspenseful, Investigative, Informative 8 8 89 7 487676985 99888
30 - Excited Expectations Tense, Emotional, Reflective 8 8 78 9 687364577 89888
31 - Connections in the Night Tense, Intriguing, Serious 8 8 88 7 687.5788986 998.588
32 - Shattered Masculinity Tense, Dark, Intense, Disturbing 9 9 99 8 987999889 79888
33 - Desperate Call Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic 8 8 89 9 787988988 89988
34 - Tension in the Shadows Tense, Nervous, Suspenseful, Intriguing 8 8 99 8 787989987 79888
35 - Betrayal in the Shadows Tense, Shocking, Intense, Suspenseful 9 8 99 8 889989989 89999
36 - Trapped in Chaos Tense, Suspenseful, Dark, Emotional 9 8 98 8 887989989 79999
37 - A Tense Discovery Tense, Suspenseful, Emotional 9 8 97 8 887989989 89999
38 - Descent into Darkness Tense, Suspenseful, Dark 9 8 99 8 787979988 79888
39 - Duty and Connection Tense, Suspenseful, Dramatic, Mysterious 8 8 78 7 587677866 68999
40 - The Encounter on the Highway Tense, Dark, Suspenseful, Intense 9 9 99 8 787988988 99888
41 - Aftermath of Loss Tense, Shocking, Suspenseful, Emotional 8 8 88 7 787878879 78899
42 - A Fork in the Road Tense, Reflective, Emotional 8 8 78 9 687473579 88899


Scene 1 - The Indifference of Suffering
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. RURAL MINNESOTA - DAY

The white becomes snowfall, a blizzard. Through it we can
make out a two lane road. A car emerges from the snow --
rust-spotted, chains on the tires -- coming towards us.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY

LORNE MALVO, age unknown, birth place unknown, sits behind
the wheel, his breath white with frost. If he minds he
doesn’t show it.

As he drives we become aware of THUMPING coming from inside
the trunk. As if someone is in there who doesn’t want to be.
Malvo ignores it.

A DEER

appears in the road ahead of him. Malvo turns too late, HITS
it. The CAR SKIDS off the road, ROLLS twice -- the trunk
popping open -- before coming to rest on its wheels.

Beat. A MAN emerges from the trunk wearing only underwear.
He is stunned from the crash, but sound enough of mind to
know this is his chance. As we watch he LOPES off through
waist-deep snow, making for the tree line.

Beat. The driver’s door opens. Slowly, Malvo climbs out.
His head is bleeding where it hit the windshield. He stands
unsteadily in the snow, getting his bearings.

ANGLE ON THE OTHER MAN

Loping off through the snow. Malvo could catch him if he
tried, but he makes no attempt. Instead he walks into the
center of the road where the deer lays on its side,
struggling to get up. Three of its four legs are broken, but
still it fights for life. Malvo stands over the wounded
animal, looking down.
2.


CLOSE UP ON THE DEER

It’s eyes wild, blood bubbles foaming from its nose and
mouth, mortally wounded.

CLOSE UP ON MALVO

Studying it’s eyes. What does he see in there?

We begin to hear a strange throbbing, churning sound, half
animal, half machine.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a blizzard on a rural Minnesota highway, Lorne Malvo's car crashes after hitting a deer, causing a man in his underwear to escape from the trunk. Despite the chaos, Malvo remains detached, choosing to focus on the wounded deer rather than pursuing the fleeing man. The scene captures a tense and bleak atmosphere, highlighting Malvo's indifference to human suffering as he contemplates the deer's struggle.
Strengths
  • Strong atmosphere
  • Compelling characters
  • Tension-filled narrative
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong sense of tension and mystery. The unexpected events and the enigmatic character of Malvo keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mysterious and potentially dangerous character encountering a wounded deer in a snowy landscape is intriguing and sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The scene sets up a strong foundation for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of power and control through the character of Lorne Malvo and his interaction with the injured deer. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and intriguing, especially Lorne Malvo, whose motives and actions are shrouded in mystery. The scene effectively establishes the dynamics between the characters.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the events set the stage for potential growth and development in the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Lorne Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and control in a chaotic and dangerous situation. This reflects his deeper need for power and dominance, as well as his lack of empathy or emotional connection to others.

External Goal: 7

Lorne Malvo's external goal in this scene is to assess the situation after the car accident and potentially deal with the man who escaped from the trunk. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the aftermath of the crash.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the harsh environment creates a sense of danger and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but subtle, with the injured deer symbolizing the struggle for survival and the escaped man representing a potential threat to Lorne Malvo's control and power.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the dangerous situation the characters find themselves in, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key elements and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the ambiguous motivations of Lorne Malvo, and the unresolved tension between life and death symbolized by the injured deer.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of life and death, as symbolized by the injured deer fighting for survival and Malvo's detached observation of its struggle. This challenges Malvo's beliefs about power, control, and the value of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to empathy for the wounded deer, adding depth to the storytelling.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, adding to the tension and atmosphere of the scene. It conveys the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious characters, and thematic depth. The audience is drawn into the unfolding events and left wanting to know more about the characters and their motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the audience to absorb the atmosphere and thematic elements before the climax of the car accident and its aftermath.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, using visual cues and concise descriptions to convey the atmosphere and tone effectively.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format, building tension and suspense through its pacing and visual descriptions. It deviates from traditional storytelling conventions, adding to its impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere with the blizzard setting, which serves as a metaphor for the chaos and moral ambiguity that will unfold throughout the story. However, the transition from the car crash to the deer encounter could be more fluid. The abruptness of the crash followed by the man's escape feels slightly disjointed; a more gradual build-up to the man's emergence could enhance the tension.
  • Lorne Malvo's character is introduced as cold and detached, which is compelling. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer indication of his motivations. Why does he choose to ignore the man escaping from the trunk? This choice could be more explicitly tied to his character's philosophy or backstory, providing depth to his seemingly indifferent demeanor.
  • The imagery of the wounded deer is powerful and symbolic, representing vulnerability and the struggle for survival. However, the scene could explore Malvo's internal conflict more deeply. What does he feel when he sees the deer? Is there a flicker of empathy, or is he purely analytical? Adding a moment of introspection could enrich the character's complexity.
  • The sound design is mentioned but not fully realized in the script. The 'strange throbbing, churning sound' could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere and foreshadow the themes of violence and chaos. This auditory element could serve as a bridge between the physical and psychological aspects of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the beats could be tightened. For instance, the 'Beat' notations could be replaced with more descriptive actions or internal thoughts to maintain engagement and flow. This would help the reader visualize the scene more vividly and keep the tension high.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or contemplation for Malvo before he approaches the deer. This could provide insight into his character and create a more dramatic contrast between his actions and the man's desperate escape.
  • Enhance the description of the sound effects to create a more immersive experience. For example, describe how the sound resonates in the snowy landscape, perhaps reflecting Malvo's internal state or the impending violence.
  • Incorporate a visual or auditory cue that signifies Malvo's emotional state as he observes the deer. This could be a flashback, a memory, or even a fleeting expression that hints at his past, adding layers to his character.
  • Consider using more dynamic action verbs to describe the man's escape from the trunk. This could heighten the urgency of the moment and make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Explore the symbolism of the deer further. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or a thought from Malvo that connects the deer’s struggle to his own worldview, reinforcing the themes of survival and moral ambiguity.



Scene 2 - The Sound Beneath
INT. KITCHEN. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

LESTER NYGAARD, 40, home for lunch, sits at the kitchen
table. Lester is the kind of guy who apologizes when you
step on his foot. His wife, PEARL, 39, is heating up a can
of soup at the stove. We get the sense she has been talking
nonstop since Lester walked in the door.

PEARL
-- Saturday. I said we’d bring a
Jello salad, but Kitty said
meatloaf, so --

The surging, churning sound is louder now, coming from under
the floor. Nygaard listens to it, both fascinated and
slightly disturbed.

PEARL (CONT’D)
(exasperated)
Hon?

LESTER NYGAARD
(snaps out of it)
What’s that, hon?

Pearl brings the pot over, ladles tomato soup into his bowl.

PEARL
(exasperated)
I said it’s Scotty’s birthday
Saturday. We’re supposed ta be at
your brother’s at one. With
meatloaf.

LESTER NYGAARD
(beat, listening)
It sounds different today, don’t ya
think? Angry.
3.


PEARL
I’m washing towels. That’s the
towel sound.

She sits. They eat.

PEARL (CONT’D)
Kitty says they just got one of
those fancy European all in ones.
Says it washes and dries. One
machine. Can you believe that?

LESTER NYGAARD
I bet that set them back a penny.

PEARL
He can afford it, your brother.
Kitty said he just got a big
promotion. After only working
there a year.

We can tell his brother is a touchy subject for Lester.

PEARL (CONT’D)
Kitty said they got one of those
new surround-sound systems too.
(Lester eats)
Guess I married the wrong Nygaard.
That’s what I said. We had a good
laugh.

LESTER NYGAARD
It’s just slow now. At the shop.

PEARL
Oh, hon. That’s what you always
say. Slow.

Beat. They eat. Lester wipes his mouth, stands.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, better get back to it.

PEARL
You make your own wins. That’s
what Kitty said Ron told her.
Salesmen make their own wins. You
gotta try harder, hon. Smile, for
Pete sake. Maybe wear a nicer tie.

LESTER NYGAARD
(looks down)
You gave me this tie.
4.


PEARL
Well, if you were a better
salesman, I’da bought you a nicer
tie.

The sound of the washing machine takes on a new urgency.

PEARL (CONT’D)
At least take a look. I keep
thinking maybe it’s the settings.
Kitty said Ron fixes things around
the house all the time. Says he
took the toaster apart over the
weekend. Good as new now. Browns
to beat the band.

Lester’s jaw is tight. He opens the door to the basement.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary During a tense lunch at home, Lester Nygaard sits at the kitchen table, distracted by a strange noise coming from the basement while his wife Pearl talks incessantly about family matters and her brother's success. Their conversation reveals underlying marital tensions, with Pearl expressing frustration over Lester's lack of ambition and his feelings of inadequacy compared to his more successful brother. The scene culminates with Lester's decision to investigate the unsettling sound from the basement, symbolizing his desire to confront his discomfort.
Strengths
  • Naturalistic dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Establishing tone and atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and dynamic of the Nygaard's marriage, creating a sense of unease and discontent that sets the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the everyday struggles and disappointments within a marriage is compelling and relatable, drawing the audience into the characters' lives.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it sets up important character dynamics and establishes the domestic backdrop against which future events will unfold.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring themes of success, self-worth, and familial relationships through subtle interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Lester and Pearl Nygaard are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and hint at deeper conflicts to come.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and transformation in Lester and Pearl Nygaard as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to navigate his feelings of inadequacy and frustration in comparison to his brother's success. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to maintain a facade of contentment and normalcy in front of his wife, despite his inner turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is underlying tension and conflict in the scene, it is more subtle and internalized, setting the stage for future confrontations and developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, adding complexity to the characters' relationships and motivations.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the internal struggles and dissatisfaction of the characters rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene doesn't move the main plot forward significantly, but it establishes important character dynamics and sets the stage for future events and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the emotional depth and subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and curious about their motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of success and self-worth being tied to material possessions and societal status. This challenges Lester's beliefs about hard work and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and dissatisfaction, drawing the audience into the emotional landscape of the characters' lives and setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is naturalistic and effectively conveys the tension and dissatisfaction between Lester and Pearl. It provides insight into their relationship and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the relatable and emotionally charged interactions between the characters, drawing the audience into their struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama, with a clear focus on character interactions and development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the mundane yet tense atmosphere of Lester's home life, contrasting his internal struggles with Pearl's incessant chatter. This dynamic is well-crafted, as it highlights Lester's discomfort and feelings of inadequacy, particularly in relation to his brother's success.
  • The use of the washing machine's sound as a metaphor for Lester's emotional state is a strong choice, symbolizing his feelings of being trapped and overwhelmed. However, the connection between the sound and Lester's internal conflict could be made clearer to enhance the thematic depth.
  • Pearl's dialogue is realistic and captures the essence of a nagging spouse, but it risks becoming repetitive. While it serves to illustrate Lester's frustration, varying her speech patterns or introducing a more dynamic exchange could maintain engagement.
  • The scene's pacing is somewhat uneven. The dialogue flows well, but the moments of silence and Lester's internal contemplation could be expanded to build tension further. This would allow the audience to feel Lester's growing agitation more acutely.
  • The transition from the domestic setting to the basement is intriguing, but it could benefit from a more explicit connection to the strange sound. This would create a stronger narrative thread leading into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Lester reacts physically to the sound, such as fidgeting or glancing nervously at Pearl, to emphasize his discomfort and build tension.
  • Introduce a specific memory or thought that Lester has while listening to the sound, linking it to his feelings of inadequacy or frustration with his life. This could deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • Vary Pearl's dialogue to include more emotional nuance, perhaps showing moments of vulnerability or frustration of her own, which could create a more complex dynamic between the couple.
  • Incorporate more visual cues that reflect Lester's internal state, such as close-ups of his facial expressions or the way he interacts with his surroundings, to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Strengthen the connection between the sound and the basement by having Lester express a specific concern or fear about what might be causing it, foreshadowing his eventual descent into the basement.



Scene 3 - Trapped in Sales
INT. BASEMENT. NYGAARD HOUSE - DAY

Lester stands at the bottom of the stairs. The washing
machine is acting like a caged animal, roaring and bucking.
Lester stares at it, hypnotized. We get the sense he’s
looking at his own trapped heart.

CUT TO:

INT. INSURANCE AGENCY. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester Nygaard sits across from a YOUNG COUPLE.

LESTER NYGAARD
So, that’s -- like I said, there’s
two kinds of policies you should be
thinking about. You got your Whole
Life and your Whole Life Plus.
Which is -- has all the benefits of
Whole Life -- plus a heck of a lot
more.

YOUNG MAN
We just came in to get Charline on
my health care.

YOUNG WOMAN
On account of I’m having a baby.

YOUNG MAN
Ya. A boy we’re hoping.

YOUNG WOMAN
Or a little girl.
5.


YOUNG MAN
But definitely one or the other.

YOUNG WOMAN
Ya. I’d just about hug the pants
off a little girl.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh ya? Even more reason to -- all
the more --

He digs through his desk, pulls out a brochure.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
-- because, I mean, what happens if
you have an accident at your job?

YOUNG MAN
I work at the library.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, what if you’re in a car crash
and you go out the windshield? Or
say you’re on a ladder cleaning out
the gutters and fall off the darn
thing and break your neck. These
things happen every day. People
fall asleep smoking in bed and burn
ta death. What I’m saying is the
morgue is full of guys thought they
didn’t need life insurance.

The young couple stares at him, horrified.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(losing steam)
-- for peace of mind, I’m saying.
To know that your little boy --

YOUNG MAN
Or girl.

LESTER NYGAARD
Right. Or little girl is taken
care of.

YOUNG WOMAN
(beat, creeped out)
We’re supposed to be at my mom’s by
four.

YOUNG MAN
Ya, so we’re gonna --
6.


They stand, head for the door.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh. Okay, well -- at least let me
give you a brochure. Or I got
these nifty pens. Look at that.
Black and red ink. You just click
the -- Okay, well, come on back if
you --

The couple exits. Nygaard sits for a moment.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
Well, heck.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a tense scene, Lester Nygaard stands in his basement, captivated by a washing machine that reflects his emotional turmoil. He then meets a young couple at an insurance agency, attempting to sell them life insurance. However, his morbid examples and awkward demeanor unsettle them, leading to their quick exit. The scene highlights Lester's desperation and social ineptitude, culminating in his disappointment as he sits alone after their departure.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of tension and unease
  • Well-developed characters
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and themes of the story, showcasing the internal conflict and external pressures faced by the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing Lester's personal struggles with his professional facade adds depth to his character and sets up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of Lester's strained relationships and his attempts to navigate his personal and professional life.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the typical insurance sales pitch by infusing it with dark humor and awkward interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Lester's internal turmoil and facade of confidence effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

Lester's internal conflict and discomfort hint at potential character growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to make a successful sale and prove his worth as an insurance salesman. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success in his career.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to convince the young couple to purchase a life insurance policy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in making a sale and meeting his sales targets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is primarily internal, with Lester's struggle to maintain his facade while dealing with personal issues.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the young couple's skepticism and discomfort provide a challenge for Lester in making a successful sale.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily internal at this point, with Lester's personal and professional struggles coming to the forefront.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces key themes and conflicts that will likely drive the story forward, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the young couple to Lester's sales pitch and the awkwardness that ensues.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Lester's belief in the importance of life insurance for peace of mind and the young couple's skepticism and discomfort with the topic. This challenges Lester's values and worldview as he tries to convince them of the necessity of insurance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and discomfort, setting the tone for future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue captures the awkwardness and tension of the scene, highlighting Lester's struggle to connect with the young couple.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the dark humor infused throughout, and the tension that builds as Lester tries to make a sale.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with humor, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The transition from the basement to the insurance agency is effective in showcasing Lester's internal struggle. The washing machine serves as a strong metaphor for his trapped emotions, but the connection could be made clearer through visual or auditory cues that link the two settings more explicitly.
  • Lester's dialogue with the young couple is awkward and uncomfortable, which effectively highlights his social ineptitude. However, the morbid examples he provides could be more subtly woven into the conversation to avoid feeling overly forced. This would enhance the realism of the scene and make the couple's discomfort more relatable.
  • The young couple's responses are somewhat generic and lack depth. Providing them with more distinct personalities or reactions could enhance the scene's tension and make their exit more impactful. This would also serve to further emphasize Lester's isolation and failure in social interactions.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial buildup with the washing machine is compelling, but the subsequent dialogue drags on without a strong climax. A more dynamic exchange or a moment of realization for Lester could elevate the stakes and provide a stronger emotional payoff.
  • The scene ends with Lester's resigned acceptance of the couple's departure, which is effective but could benefit from a more pronounced emotional reaction. This would reinforce his feelings of inadequacy and set the stage for his character development in subsequent scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where the sound of the washing machine morphs into the sound of the couple's conversation, creating an auditory link that emphasizes Lester's internal conflict.
  • Revise Lester's morbid examples to be more nuanced, perhaps by incorporating humor or irony that reflects his character while still unsettling the couple.
  • Develop the young couple's characters further by giving them unique traits or quirks that make their discomfort more pronounced and relatable, enhancing the scene's tension.
  • Introduce a moment of clarity or realization for Lester during the conversation that highlights his desperation or desire for connection, which could serve as a turning point in his character arc.
  • End the scene with a more visceral reaction from Lester, such as a physical manifestation of his frustration or despair, to leave the audience with a stronger emotional impact.



Scene 4 - Humiliation at the Appliance Shop
EXT. APPLIANCE SHOP. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester stands outside the store, staring in through the plate
glass window at a brand new washer dryer set. He’s wearing a
puffy orange coat and a wool hat with ear flaps.

An SUV pulls up down the block. SAM HESS, 40, climbs out
with his TWIN SONS, MICKEY and MOE, 15. Hess is a big guy,
intimidating. His boys look like two identical blocking
sleds.

SAM HESS
(to the driver)
Circle for a bit. I’m gonna feed
the boys.

The SUV pulls away. Hess and sons walk towards Lester.

MOE
Dad said I could get pie for lunch.

MICKEY
(snickers)
Ya. Hair pie.

Sam WACKS Mickey in the back of the head. Moe cracks up.
Oblivious, Lester stares at the washer dryer. Walking by,
Hess recognizes him.

SAM HESS
(stopping)
Will ya look at that. It’s Lester
Niggered.

Lester turns, sees Hess. It takes a moment for him to
recognize him, but when he does he looks nervous.
7.


LESTER NYGAARD
Come on now, Sam. It’s -- well,
it’s Nygaard. Same as in high
school.

MICKEY
You went to high school with Lester
Niggered, dad?

MOE
Ya, dad, did you --

SAM HESS
Shut up. How you been, Lester?

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, can’t complain.

SAM HESS
You look like a damn pumpkin. You
turn into a pumpkin at midnight?
You got stepsisters?

MICKEY
Stepsisters were evil, dad. They
weren’t fairies.

SAM HESS
Shutup.

LESTER NYGAARD
Um, uh. You look good, Sam.

SAM HESS
Why wouldn’t I? Got my own
trucking company now. Hess and
Sons. These are the sons. God help
me.

MICKEY
Yeah, we’re the ...

SAM HESS
Shutup. Got rigs all over the
Great Lakes.
(to his sons)
Hey, you remember I told you the
story of the boy I put in the oil
drum and rolled onto the highway?

MICKEY
Is that him, dad?
8.


MOE
Ya, dad. Is that him?

SAM HESS
Oh you betcha. Good old Lester
pencil dick. Say, Lester. What
was the name of that girl you went
with in high school? The curvy
one?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pearl.

SAM HESS
Ya, Pearl. What a rack on that
girl.

MOE
(to Mickey)
Dad’s saying she had big titties.

MICKEY
I know what rack means, ya fairy.

Hess smacks both boys in the back of the head.

MICKEY (CONT’D)
Ow.

MOE
Ya, dad. Ow.

SAM HESS
(to Lester)
You know she gave me a tug once.
Homecoming, senior year. Had these
nice fat hands. Real soft. Let me
feel up her tits while she did it.

LESTER NYGAARD
We’re married now. Going on
eighteen years.

Sam is taken off guard by this. The kids crack up.

MICKEY
Oh, dad. That’s embarrassing.

MOE
Ya, dad. Super embarrassing.

Hess’s eyes narrow. His face is burning and he doesn’t like
the feeling.
9.


SAM HESS
Eighteen years, huh? That’s
something.
(beat)
Never knew what she saw in you,
really.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, well --

SAM HESS
I mean, help me out. No looks. Or
brains. Or money.

Lester can tell he’s in danger.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Well. I should get back to it.

But Hess moves in front of Lester.

SAM HESS
A little guy like you.

MICKEY
He’s real small dad.

MOE
A real pee wee.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ha. Ya. Real good seeing you, Sam.
Real good. And meeting your boys.

But Hess won’t let him go

SAM HESS
(to his sons)
Did I ever tell you how I used to
beat this little guy up in high
school? I’d write my name on my
fist in Sharpie fore I punched him,
so everyone would know who did it.

MICKEY
That’s a good one, dad.

MOE
Ya, dad. A real good one.

Hess lifts his fist, shows Lester.

SAM HESS
Remember?
10.


LESTER NYGAARD
Ha. Ya. That was -- a long time
ago.

Slowly, Hess moves his fist right in front of Lester’s face,
enjoying his fear. Lester stands there, humiliated, not
knowing what to do. Hating his helplessness, his base
cowardice.

Then Hess drops his fist and smiles to show it’s all just a
big joke. Lester starts to relax. Then HESS FAKES A PUNCH.
Lester panics, turns and RUNS FACE FIRST into the PLATE GLASS
WINDOW of the appliance store -- CRACK! He falls to the
ground, lays on his back.

MICKEY
Geez, dad. His face is pretty
messed up.

MOE
Ya, dad. It’s real messed up.

CLOSE UP OF LESTER’S FACE

As he lays there, his nose broken and bleeding, staring up at
the sky. Beat. We PULL OUT and discover we are now in ...
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Lester Nygaard stands outside an appliance shop, fixated on a washer dryer set, when Sam Hess arrives with his twin sons, Mickey and Moe. Hess mocks Lester about their high school days, escalating the tension with taunts about Lester's past and marriage. The situation turns intimidating as Hess pretends to punch Lester, causing him to panic and run into a glass window, injuring himself. The scene captures the dark humor and humiliation Lester experiences, ending with him lying on the ground, hurt and vulnerable.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective character dynamics
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially offensive language and behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with tension, creating a compelling and memorable interaction between characters. The power dynamics and past history add depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a reunion between a bullied character and his former tormentor is engaging and sets up a conflict that drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the unexpected encounter between Lester and Sam Hess, leading to a confrontation that escalates the tension.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique approach to depicting power dynamics and intimidation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, making it stand out in its portrayal of small-town dynamics and casual racism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a history that influences their interactions. The dialogue reveals their dynamics and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences humiliation and fear, showcasing a shift in his character as he confronts his past tormentor.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to avoid confrontation and maintain a sense of dignity in the face of intimidation and humiliation. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and respect, as well as his fear of being seen as weak or inferior.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal in this scene is to avoid physical harm and navigate the tense interaction with Sam Hess and his sons. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a threatening situation and maintaining his safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Sam Hess is palpable, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sam Hess and his sons posing a significant threat to Lester's safety and dignity. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting power dynamics and moments of intimidation, creating a sense of unpredictability and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Lester faces his past bully and must navigate a tense and potentially dangerous situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the history between characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the interactions between the characters. The reader is kept on edge by the shifting power dynamics and moments of dark humor, creating a sense of unease and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between power and vulnerability, dominance and submission. This challenges Lester's beliefs about his own worth and strength, as well as his worldview about how to handle confrontation and intimidation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to discomfort, adding depth to the character interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, mixing humor with underlying tension. It reveals the power dynamics and history between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and uncomfortable interactions between the characters, as well as the dark humor and tension that permeate the dialogue. The reader is drawn into the scene through the power dynamics and underlying conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and conflict gradually, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation and humiliation. The rhythm of the scene enhances the reader's engagement and investment in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively conveyed, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the interactions between the characters. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the power dynamics and underlying tensions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the dynamic between Lester and Sam Hess, showcasing the bullying and intimidation that Lester faces. The dialogue is sharp and captures the essence of high school rivalries, but it could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Lester's nervousness is palpable, but the scene could explore his internal conflict more explicitly. While the dialogue conveys his discomfort, adding visual cues or internal monologue could enhance the audience's understanding of his emotional state.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly from the sons, provides a contrast to the tension, but it risks undermining the seriousness of Lester's predicament. Balancing the comedic elements with the darker undertones of bullying could create a more cohesive tone.
  • The physical comedy of Lester running into the glass window is effective, but it may come off as too slapstick compared to the otherwise tense atmosphere. Consider refining this moment to maintain the tension while still allowing for a moment of levity.
  • The scene ends abruptly after the physical comedy, which may leave the audience wanting more context or resolution. A brief moment of reflection from Lester after the incident could provide insight into his feelings of humiliation and fear, setting up the stakes for his character moving forward.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more internal conflict for Lester, perhaps through brief internal monologues or visual cues that reflect his feelings of inadequacy and fear as he interacts with Hess.
  • Consider adding a moment where Lester tries to stand up for himself, even if it’s a small gesture, to create a more dynamic character arc and show his struggle against his bully.
  • Balance the humor from the sons with the tension of the scene by ensuring that their jokes do not overshadow Lester's emotional turmoil. This could involve making their humor more subtle or situational rather than overt.
  • Refine the physical comedy of Lester running into the glass window to maintain the tension. Perhaps he could stumble back in a more controlled manner, allowing for a moment of realization before the impact.
  • End the scene with a reflective moment for Lester, perhaps showing him on the ground contemplating his situation, which would deepen the emotional impact and set the stage for his character development.



Scene 5 - Confronting Shadows
INT. WAITING ROOM. HOSPITAL. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Lester, now sitting, lifts an ice pack to his nose. He is on
a bench in the emergency room. And just as we realize this,
we see that sitting next to him is LORNE MALVO, a nasty
bruise and cut on his forehead from the car crash.

Lester lowers the ice pack. Beat.

LESTER NYGAARD
What a day.
(to a passing nurse)
Excuse me, miss. Do ya think --
will it be much longer? This thing
hurts like the dickens.

NURSE
We’ll call your name.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, but I been here an hour
already.

NURSE
We’ll call your name.
11.


She walks away. Lester opens a soda, tries to drink, but it
hurts too much. He puts the soda down.

MALVO
Could I have a sip?

Lester turns. Malvo is looking at him.

LESTER NYGAARD
Heck, take the whole can. I can’t
drink the darn thing without a
straw.

He hands Malvo the soda. Malvo tips it back and drains it.
Lester tries not to stare at Malvo’s head injury.

MALVO
Obliged.
(puts down the can)
What happened to your nose?

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, well. That was just -- a
misunderstanding.

MALVO
Is that you misunderstanding the
other fella, or him
misunderstanding you?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pardon?

MALVO
Who misunderstood whom?

LESTER NYGAARD
No. What I’m saying is -- it’s not
good to dwell on these things.

MALVO
Why?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pardon?

MALVO
Why is not good to dwell on things?
Especially things that put you in
the hospital.

Beat. Lester doesn’t know what to say. Malvo watches him.
12.


LESTER NYGAARD
It was -- I was outnumbered if you
wanna know the truth. Three to
one. Big guys too. Well, one of
them. The other two were just
kids. But big fer their age.
(beat, getting worked up)
Ya know -- if I was any kind of man
-- I’da shown that Sam what’s what.

MALVO
Sam?

LESTER NYGAARD
Hess. He was a bully in high
school and he’s a bully now.

MALVO
So why didn’t you?
(off Lester)
Show him what’s what.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, his, uh, he had his sons with
him, and --

MALVO
So you let a man beat you in front
of his children. To send them a
message.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. That’s not --
(frustrated)
Heck. Just -- heck.

MALVO
In my experience, you let a man
break your nose, next time he’ll
try to break your spine.

LESTER NYGAARD
Sam? No way. I mean, I don’t think.
It’s just -- I guess I embarrassed
him in front of his boys.

MALVO
You embarrassed him.

LESTER NYGAARD
By -- he was telling me about a
time when he and my wife -- see,
they --
(gesturing)
(MORE)
13.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT'D)
-- but he didn’t know she was my
wife, is the thing. And when I
told him --

MALVO
A man slept with your wife, and
you’re worried you embarrassed him.

LESTER NYGAARD
Not slept with -- they didn’t -- he
said it was just -- she has soft
hands, see? -- and I --

MALVO
Mister, we’re not friends. Maybe
one day we will be. But I gotta
say, if that was me -- in your
position -- I woulda killed that
man.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, now. Hold on.

MALVO
You said he bullied you in high
school?

LESTER NYGAARD
(reluctantly)
Four years. Gave me an ulcer.
(humiliated)
One time he put me in an oil barrel
and rolled me in the road.

MALVO
Seriously?
(Lester nods)
And now he tells you he had
relations with your wife. Then
bullies you again in front of his
children. Friend, this is not a
man who deserves to draw breath.

Beat. All the humiliation and pain Lester has suffered
threatens to bubble up.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Okay. But here’s the thing --

MALVO
No. That is the thing.
14.


LESTER NYGAARD
(beat)
Well -- heck -- I mean, okay.
Okay. But what am I supposed ta do?
(beat)
Heck, you’re so sure about it,
maybe you should just kill him for
me.

MALVO
(beat)
Are you asking me to kill this man?

LESTER NYGAARD
No. That was -- I was joking.

The nurse walks up.

NURSE
Mr. Nygaard.

Lester looks at Malvo.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, that’s -- just a second.
(to Malvo)
We’re just two fellas talking,
right? Just blowing off steam?

Malvo studies him.

NURSE
Sir, it’s real busy --

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, like I said -- just a second.

MALVO
Sam. Hess.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. Now wait just a second --
that’s not --

NURSE
Sir!

But Lester is focused on Malvo, like a mouse hypnotised by a
snake.

MALVO
One word. Yes. Or no.
15.


Lester looks at him, feeling a strange tickle down his spine.
All he has to do is say no, but he doesn’t.

NURSE
Sir, I’m gonna give your spot to --

LESTER NYGAARD
(stands)
Ya, I’m -- I’m coming for Pete
sake.

He shares one last moment of eye contact with Malvo, then
grabs his coat and hat, follows the nurse to an exam room.
Malvo watches him go.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense hospital waiting room, Lester Nygaard, nursing an injury from a recent fight, encounters the enigmatic Lorne Malvo, who bears his own wounds from a car crash. Their conversation delves into Lester's painful past of being bullied by Sam Hess, with Malvo provoking Lester to confront his feelings of humiliation and frustration. As Malvo suggests retaliation, Lester jokingly asks him to kill Hess, highlighting his desperation. The scene culminates with Lester being called by a nurse, leaving Malvo behind as he grapples with the unsettling implications of their exchange.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly predictable character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with strong dialogue and character dynamics, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revenge and power dynamics is effectively explored through the interaction between Lester and Malvo, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we see Lester's internal struggle and potential shift towards a darker path, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of masculinity, power dynamics, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to familiar narrative tropes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Malvo are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal conflict, making them compelling to watch.

Character Changes: 7

Lester undergoes a subtle shift in this scene, moving towards a darker and more assertive side of his character, setting up potential changes in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to assert his masculinity and regain a sense of power and control after being humiliated by a bully. This reflects his deeper need for validation, respect, and self-worth.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to seek medical attention for his injuries and navigate the hospital bureaucracy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with physical pain and discomfort.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Malvo is palpable, with underlying tension and power dynamics at play, creating a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, power dynamics, and moral choices driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as we see Lester grappling with the idea of revenge and violence, potentially leading to drastic consequences for himself and others.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between characters, setting up future events, and revealing new layers of the characters' motivations and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected character choices. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of revenge, justice, and moral ambiguity. Malvo challenges Lester's beliefs about standing up for oneself and taking action against those who wronged him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to frustration to intimidation, as we see the characters' internal struggles and potential for violence.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals a lot about the characters' motivations and emotions, driving the scene forward and building suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, psychological depth, and subtle character dynamics. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense dynamic between Lester and Malvo, showcasing their contrasting personalities. Malvo's calm, predatory demeanor juxtaposed with Lester's nervousness creates a palpable tension that keeps the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reveals character motivations well. Malvo's probing questions force Lester to confront his insecurities and past humiliations, which adds depth to both characters. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact.
  • The use of the hospital setting is symbolic, representing both physical and emotional wounds. This adds a layer of meaning to their conversation, as both characters are literally and metaphorically injured. However, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere.
  • Lester's internal conflict is well portrayed, particularly his struggle between wanting to assert himself and his ingrained submissiveness. However, the transition from his frustration to jokingly asking Malvo to kill Hess feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the believability of his character arc.
  • The ending of the scene leaves the audience with a sense of foreboding, as Lester's hesitation to say 'no' to Malvo suggests a potential shift in his character. This is a strong choice, but it could be emphasized further to heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the waiting room's sterile environment or the sounds of the hospital could immerse the audience further.
  • Tighten some of the dialogue to make it more impactful. For example, Malvo's lines could be more concise to maintain the scene's pacing and tension.
  • Explore Lester's internal thoughts more explicitly during the conversation. This could help the audience understand his emotional turmoil and the weight of Malvo's words.
  • Smooth out the transition when Lester jokingly asks Malvo to kill Hess. Perhaps include a moment of hesitation or a specific trigger that leads him to make that statement, reinforcing his desperation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual cue or action that symbolizes Lester's internal conflict, such as him gripping the ice pack tighter or a close-up of his eyes reflecting fear and uncertainty.



Scene 6 - Cold Discoveries
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

The site of Malvo’s accident. The car is still there, its
trunk now closed. TWO POLICE CARS are parked nearby, lights
flashing. DEPUTY MOLLY SOLVERSON, 29 stands behind the
wreck, kicking her feet to stay warm.

A THIRD CAR pulls up. Police Chief VERN THURMAN (40s) gets
out. Molly comes over to greet him.

MOLLY
Cold enough for ya, chief?

VERN
Supposed to get down to negative
ten later.

MOLLY
Heard that. Don’t much like the
sound of negative.

VERN
Thought I might strip down to my
shorts. Work on my tan.
(nods)
So what’s this here then?

Molly shows him the scene.

MOLLY
Chief, I arrived on the scene at
thirteen hundred hours, found this
late model Ford. Looks like she
rolled a few times. I found a set
of footprints leading away from the
car.
(MORE)
16.

MOLLY (CONT'D)
Possible our driver, injured, got
confused, wandered into the woods.
I was about to investigate.

Vern circles the car, crouches at the front grill.

VERN
Blood here. Hair too.

MOLLY
Saw that. I was thinkin’ maybe a
deer, but couldn’t find the
evidence.

Vern walks out into the road, looking for something. Fresh
snow covers everything. Vern does some mental calculations,
picks a spot and kicks the snow away.

VERN
Here it is.

Molly looks down, sees the underlayer of snow is pink with
blood.

MOLLY
Son of a gun.

Vern walks back to the car. The driver’s door is open.

VERN
(leans in)
Windshield’s cracked. Blood there
too. Driver musta hit his head

MOLLY
Or her head.

Vern hears something, straightens. It comes again louder.
THUMPING. From the trunk.

VERN
You check the trunk?

MOLLY
No, sir.

The thumping continues. Vern and Molly approach the trunk.

ANGLE ON THE TRUNK

Something is inside, banging.
17.


VERN

Thinks about opening it, the pros and cons.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Should I unholster my sidearm?

VERN
Not unless you think there’s a
ninja inside.

He reaches down and pops the trunk. It swings open,
revealing:

THE DEER

Still alive, flailing weakly.

VERN AND MOLLY

Look at the deer.

MOLLY
Huh.

Vern takes out his gun, puts the deer out of its misery. They
stand for a moment in silence, breath misty.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
(beat)
So -- wanna take a look at those
footprints then?

VERN
Sounds good.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Deputy Molly Solverson and Police Chief Vern Thurman investigate a car accident on a snowy highway in Saint Cloud, MN. They find evidence suggesting the driver may have wandered into the woods, leading them to suspect an injury. Upon hearing thumping from the trunk of the wrecked car, they discover an injured deer, which Vern puts down to end its suffering. The scene blends dark humor with somberness as Molly suggests they follow the footprints to continue their investigation.
Strengths
  • Effective setup of mystery and suspense
  • Intriguing concept with the wounded deer in the trunk
  • Strong atmospheric tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of mystery and suspense with the discovery of the deer in the trunk and the investigation by the police officers. The cold and unsettling tone adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding a wounded deer in the trunk of a car after an accident is unique and intriguing. It sets up a series of questions and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the investigation of the car accident and the discovery of the deer in the trunk. It moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising questions for the audience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic mystery setup, blending elements of police procedural with small-town charm. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Deputy Molly Solverson and Police Chief Vern Thurman are introduced in this scene, and their interactions provide insight into their personalities and the dynamics between them.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character development or change in this scene, as the focus is more on the investigation and discovery of the deer.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve the mystery of the accident and find out what happened to the driver. This reflects her deeper desire to uncover the truth and bring justice to the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the accident scene, gather evidence, and follow leads to solve the case. This reflects the immediate challenge of determining the cause of the accident and finding the driver.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict in the scene as the police officers investigate the car accident and the mysterious thumping sound coming from the trunk. The tension builds as they uncover the wounded deer.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters, but not overwhelming. The mystery of the accident and the unexpected discovery of the deer add complexity and intrigue to the investigation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the discovery of the wounded deer in the trunk, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and raising questions for the audience. It sets up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the deer in the trunk, adding a surprising and memorable moment to the investigation. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' duty to uphold the law and their compassion towards the injured deer. This challenges their beliefs about justice and mercy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of the scene is limited, focusing more on the mystery and suspense elements rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is functional and serves to move the investigation forward. It provides necessary information and helps establish the tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing setup, well-developed characters, and subtle tension. The dialogue and interactions between the characters draw the reader in and keep them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description. The rhythm builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a clear setup, investigation process, and reveal of new information. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a cold, tense atmosphere that mirrors the emotional state of the characters. The dialogue between Molly and Vern is light-hearted yet serves to highlight the seriousness of the situation, creating a contrast that adds depth to their characters.
  • The use of humor, particularly Vern's quip about stripping down to his shorts, helps to break the tension and makes the characters more relatable. However, the humor could be balanced with a stronger sense of urgency regarding the investigation, as the scene feels somewhat leisurely given the potential danger of an injured driver in the woods.
  • The description of the setting is vivid, and the visual elements, such as the blood on the snow and the deer in the trunk, are impactful. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the biting cold or the sounds of the environment, which would immerse the audience further.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. While it serves to convey information, it lacks subtext and emotional weight. Adding layers to their conversation could reveal more about their personalities and their relationship, making the scene more engaging.
  • The transition from the investigation to the discovery of the deer is effective, but the moment could be heightened with more tension. The thumping from the trunk builds suspense, but the reveal of the deer feels somewhat anticlimactic. A stronger buildup to this moment could enhance the impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the cold air, the crunch of snow underfoot, or the distant sounds of the woods to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue between Molly and Vern. This could involve hints at their personal lives or past experiences that inform their current attitudes, making their interaction feel more layered.
  • Increase the tension leading up to the trunk reveal. Perhaps include more hesitation or concern from Molly and Vern about what they might find, which could heighten the suspense and make the eventual discovery more impactful.
  • Explore the emotional reactions of Molly and Vern after the deer is shot. This could provide insight into their characters and add depth to the scene, showing how they cope with the harsh realities of their job.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it snappier and more engaging. This could involve cutting unnecessary lines or rephrasing to create a more natural flow that reflects their camaraderie while still addressing the seriousness of the situation.



Scene 7 - Chilling Discovery
EXT. WOODS. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DUSK

Vern and Molly, flashlights on, trudge through the deep snow.

MOLLY
(beat, walking)
How’s Ida?

VERN
Any day now.

MOLLY
You got a name picked out?
18.


VERN
I can’t even get that woman to
decide what color to paint the
nursery.

MOLLY
(beat, walking)
Can’t believe I missed that deer in
the trunk.

VERN
Don’t be. I been doin this a long
time. Never checked for a deer in
the trunk. (Beat) Or any wildlife.

Molly sees something.

MOLLY
Chief.

He looks where her flashlight is pointed. There, sitting in
the snow, is A MAN IN HIS UNDERWEAR, frozen to death.

VERN
(beat)
Okay.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary As Vern and Molly navigate the snowy woods at dusk, their light-hearted conversation about impending fatherhood takes a dark turn when they stumble upon a frozen man in his underwear. The shocking discovery interrupts their banter, shifting the tone from humorous to unsettling and leaving them in a state of suspense.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Mysterious tone
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a tense and mysterious tone, introducing a significant plot point that propels the story forward. The dialogue and atmosphere create a sense of foreboding and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of discovering a frozen body in the woods adds a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative, hinting at deeper secrets and conflicts to be revealed. The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of the frozen body, raising questions and increasing the stakes for the characters involved. The scene introduces a key element that will drive the story forward and deepen the central mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar setting by combining elements of mystery and humor in a police procedural context. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the characters in this scene are not extensively developed, their reactions to the discovery of the body and the unfolding events hint at their individual motivations and fears. The interaction between Vern and Molly adds depth to their dynamic and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the discovery of the frozen body sets the stage for potential transformations and revelations in the future. The characters' reactions hint at internal struggles and fears that may drive their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Vern's internal goal is to navigate the challenges of impending fatherhood and the responsibilities that come with it. This reflects his deeper need for stability and his fear of not being able to provide for his family.

External Goal: 7

Vern's external goal is to investigate the discovery of the frozen man in his underwear and potentially solve the mystery surrounding his death. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected situations in his job as a police officer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the implications of the discovery and the mysteries it presents. The tension between Vern and Molly adds a layer of conflict that will likely escalate in future scenes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge the characters' expectations, adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the discovery of the frozen body hints at dangerous secrets and conflicts that will impact the characters' lives. The tension and suspense create a sense of urgency and importance, raising the stakes for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point that will drive the narrative and deepen the central mystery. The discovery of the frozen body raises questions and sets the stage for further developments, propelling the story into new territory.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the frozen man, adding a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' expectations of a routine patrol and the sudden discovery of the frozen man, challenging their beliefs about the predictability of their job and the nature of life and death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and foreboding, creating an emotional impact through its dark and mysterious atmosphere. The discovery of the frozen body adds a layer of suspense and intrigue, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying tension and unease through subtle exchanges between the characters. The dialogue effectively sets the tone and foreshadows the challenges to come.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the blend of mystery, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a gradual buildup of tension and the introduction of a compelling mystery.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Vern and Molly effectively establishes their relationship and the mundane aspects of their lives, which contrasts sharply with the dark discovery they are about to make. However, the conversation could benefit from more subtext to deepen their characters and the stakes of the situation. For instance, they could share a personal anecdote or concern that hints at their emotional states, making the moment feel more layered.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from their light banter to the discovery of the frozen man feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the reveal could enhance the tension. Perhaps they could hear something unusual in the woods before spotting the man, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • The visual description of the setting is minimal. Expanding on the environment could enhance the atmosphere. Describing the eerie quiet of the woods, the biting cold, or the way the snow crunches underfoot would immerse the audience more fully in the scene.
  • The line 'Okay' from Vern after discovering the frozen man feels underwhelming given the gravity of the situation. This moment should evoke a stronger emotional response. Consider giving Vern a more expressive reaction that reflects the shock and horror of the discovery, which would also serve to heighten the tension.
  • Molly's line about missing the deer in the trunk is a nice touch of dark humor, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to her character's feelings about the case or her role as a deputy. This would not only provide comic relief but also deepen her character's perspective on the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to Vern and Molly's dialogue to reveal their emotional states and deepen their characters. Consider incorporating personal anecdotes or concerns that hint at their lives outside of work.
  • Introduce a gradual build-up to the discovery of the frozen man. Perhaps they could hear an unusual sound or notice something off in the environment before spotting him, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • Enhance the visual description of the setting to create a more immersive atmosphere. Describe the eerie quiet of the woods, the biting cold, and the way the snow crunches underfoot to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Revise Vern's reaction to the discovery of the frozen man to evoke a stronger emotional response. Consider giving him a line that reflects shock or horror, which would heighten the tension and gravity of the moment.
  • Tie Molly's dark humor about the deer in the trunk to her character's feelings about the case or her role as a deputy. This would provide comic relief while also deepening her perspective on the unfolding events.



Scene 8 - Anticipation at Home
INT. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Vern comes home. He hangs his heavy coat on the wall.

VERN
Hiya, hon.

IDA (O.S.)
In the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN. THURMAN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Vern enters, kisses his wife. IDA (30s) is eight months
pregnant.

VERN
Something smells good.

IDA
(touches her belly)
Your boy wanted a hamburger.
19.


VERN
Sounds like my boy.

Vern goes into the

BEDROOM

Takes off his holster, locks his gun in the safe. Heading
back to the kitchen, Vern stops outside the BABY’S ROOM. All
the furniture -- crib, changing table, etc -- has been pushed
to the center. We see a tarp, paint trays and clean rollers
on the floor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Vern returns home to his pregnant wife, Ida, who is preparing dinner and playfully mentions their unborn son's craving for a hamburger. As Vern secures his gun, he notices the disarray in the baby's room, filled with painting supplies, reflecting their preparations for the new arrival. The scene captures the couple's warm and intimate connection as they share their excitement for their growing family.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel slightly predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts that will likely unfold in future scenes. The mix of personal and professional dynamics adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the expectations and tensions within relationships and personal struggles is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and reveals underlying tensions and conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its focus on the mundane yet meaningful moments of family life, with authentic character interactions and a realistic portrayal of domesticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal struggles.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and changes as the tensions and conflicts within the characters are revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

Vern's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his wife and unborn child, expressing his love and excitement for their growing family. This reflects his deeper need for family and belonging, as well as his fears and desires for a happy and fulfilling home life.

External Goal: 7

Vern's external goal in this scene is to unwind after work and prepare for the arrival of his baby by securing his gun in the safe and checking on the progress of the baby's room renovation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains interpersonal conflicts and tensions that add depth to the narrative and set up future confrontations.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the tension in the baby's room renovation serving as a subtle obstacle for the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The scene establishes high stakes through the personal and professional tensions faced by the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up conflicts and tensions that will likely drive future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it hints at tension in the baby's room renovation, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene. The focus is on the domestic setting and the anticipation of a new family member.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tensions and anxieties present in the scene, adding depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's interest in the characters' personal lives and the anticipation of a new family member.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation, with a gradual reveal of the baby's room renovation adding a sense of mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a domestic drama, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, character interactions, and a hint of tension in the baby's room renovation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of domesticity and warmth through the interaction between Vern and Ida, which contrasts with the darker themes present in the overall narrative. This juxtaposition can heighten the tension as the story progresses.
  • The dialogue is natural and reveals character dynamics well. Vern's casual greeting and Ida's response about their unborn child craving a hamburger create a relatable and tender moment, grounding the characters in their reality.
  • The visual description of the baby's room being in disarray with furniture pushed to the center and painting supplies scattered adds an element of foreboding. It hints at the chaos that may be brewing beneath the surface of their seemingly happy life.
  • However, the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional hook. While the domestic moment is sweet, it lacks a sense of urgency or conflict that would make it more compelling within the context of the larger narrative. The audience may feel disconnected from the stakes involved.
  • The transition between the kitchen and the bedroom feels a bit abrupt. A more fluid movement between these spaces could enhance the pacing and maintain the emotional flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue or a brief action that hints at Vern's concerns about the dangers of his job or the world outside, which would create a stronger contrast with the domestic bliss and foreshadow potential conflict.
  • Incorporate a moment where Vern notices something unsettling in the baby's room, such as a misplaced item or a sign of disarray that could symbolize the chaos to come, enhancing the tension.
  • Explore the use of sound or background elements in the kitchen scene to create a more immersive atmosphere. For example, the sound of a news report about local crime could subtly underscore the tension.
  • Add a brief moment of hesitation or concern from Vern as he locks away his gun, which could foreshadow the violence that will later invade their lives, making the audience more aware of the impending danger.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for more interaction between Vern and Ida, perhaps discussing their hopes and fears about parenthood, which would deepen their characters and make the audience more invested in their fate.



Scene 9 - Dinner Conversations: Dark Humor and Nursery Dreams
INT. KITCHEN. THURMAN HOUSE - NIGHT

Vern and Ida eat dinner.

VERN
(beat)
Molly found a wreck out one
thirteen. Looks like the driver
tried ta head out on foot, but got
lost, froze ta death in the woods.

IDA
Oh my.

VERN
Ya. Funny thing is, the fella was
just wearing underpants.

IDA
That so?

VERN
Ya. No ID. Nothin. Couldn’t find
his clothes anywhere.

IDA
Maybe he ate ‘em.

Vern nods like that’s a real possibility, then smiles. They
eat for a bit.

IDA (CONT’D)
I was thinking maybe blue. For the
nursery.

VERN
Ya?
20.


IDA
Earlier. I was thinking maybe
blue, but then I changed my mind.

VERN
Blue’s nice.

IDA
Maybe green.

Vern nods. We can tell they’ve been having this conversation
for months.

VERN
Green’s possible.
(beat)
Well, I’m ready to get painting.
Soon as you decide.

IDA
You’re a good man, Vern Thurman.
My sister was crazy telling me not
to marry you.

VERN
(beat, chews)
Your sister is crazy.

They eat for a while in comfortable silence.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the cozy kitchen of the Thurman house, Vern shares a morbidly humorous story about a man who died in the woods, leading to a playful exchange with Ida about the man's unusual state of undress. As they discuss colors for the nursery in preparation for their baby, their conversation reflects a deep familiarity and affection, blending dark humor with warmth. The scene concludes with a comfortable silence, underscoring their strong bond.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Subtle emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between Vern and Ida through their dinner conversation, creating a sense of intimacy and tension. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the domestic life of Vern and Ida through a simple dinner conversation is well-executed. It provides insight into their relationship dynamics and adds depth to their characters.

Plot: 7

While the plot does not advance significantly in this scene, it serves to develop the characters of Vern and Ida and establish the tone of their relationship. The mention of the mysterious frozen man adds a layer of intrigue to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its focus on mundane yet meaningful interactions between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Vern and Ida are well-developed characters with distinct personalities that shine through in their dialogue and interactions. Their relationship is portrayed authentically, with nuances that make them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the understanding of Vern and Ida's personalities and relationship dynamics. The subtle nuances in their interactions hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of connection and understanding with his partner, Ida. This reflects his deeper desire for stability and companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support Ida in her decision-making process about the nursery color. This reflects the immediate challenge of making joint decisions and maintaining harmony in their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, primarily revolving around the decision of nursery colors and the mention of the mysterious frozen man. The tension between Vern and Ida is more emotional than overtly confrontational.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding depth to the characters' interactions and highlighting their differing perspectives and priorities.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the personal dynamics between Vern and Ida rather than high-stakes conflicts or events. The mention of the frozen man adds a layer of intrigue but does not raise the stakes significantly.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides valuable insights into the characters of Vern and Ida. It sets the tone for their relationship and hints at potential developments related to the mysterious frozen man.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in its subtle shifts in tone and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the characters' motivations and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' differing opinions on the nursery color. This challenges their values and communication styles, highlighting their individual perspectives and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intimacy and warmth through the interactions between Vern and Ida. Their relationship dynamics and subtle emotions create an emotional connection with the audience, making the scene engaging and relatable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is natural and realistic, capturing the essence of a typical dinner conversation between a couple. It reveals subtle emotions and tensions, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, authentic dialogue, and subtle humor that draws the audience into the intimate world of the Thurman household.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue, creating a sense of intimacy and realism.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character development, adhering to the expected structure for a domestic drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the dark subject matter of a man's death with the light-hearted domesticity of Vern and Ida's dinner conversation. This contrast creates a unique tone that reflects the absurdity of life in the face of tragedy, which is a hallmark of the script's overall theme.
  • Vern's storytelling about the frozen man is engaging and serves to deepen the audience's understanding of the world they inhabit—one where death is a part of everyday conversation. However, the humor in Ida's response about the man possibly having eaten his clothes feels slightly forced and could benefit from a more natural flow.
  • The dialogue between Vern and Ida is realistic and captures the essence of a couple preparing for a new baby, but it risks becoming repetitive. The back-and-forth about nursery colors, while relatable, could be tightened to maintain the audience's engagement and avoid redundancy.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the transitions between the morbid topic and the nursery discussion could be smoother. The abrupt shifts in tone may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A more gradual transition could enhance the flow.
  • The visual elements, such as the disarray in the nursery, effectively symbolize the chaos of impending parenthood. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details—like the smell of the food or the sounds of the kitchen—to create a richer atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider rephrasing Ida's line about the man possibly eating his clothes to make it feel more organic and less like a punchline. This could involve a more subtle or nuanced reaction that aligns with her character's personality.
  • Tighten the dialogue about nursery colors by having Vern and Ida agree on a color more quickly, perhaps with a humorous twist that reflects their ongoing discussions without dragging it out.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or reflection after Vern shares the story about the frozen man, allowing the weight of the situation to settle before shifting back to the nursery conversation. This could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene. Describe the aroma of the food, the clinking of utensils, or the warmth of the kitchen to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding a visual cue or action that reflects Vern's internal thoughts about the story he just shared, perhaps a moment where he glances at the nursery preparations, linking the themes of life and death more explicitly.



Scene 10 - Tension in the Garage
INT. HESS TRUCKING COMPANY. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

A large garage housing a raised DISPATCH OFFICE. Through the
office window we see Sam talking to BRUCE GOLD (40s). Gold is
Sam’s lawyer. TWO BIG GUYS sit with them.

In the main garage there is a big rig parked along the far
wall. The logo on the trailer reads NARCOL. Sam Hess’s
truck is parked next to it.

Boxes of INFLATABLE WOMEN are stacked against the wall.
Mickey and Moe have one of them open. Mickey is using a high
pressure air hose to fill up one of the women. She gets
fatter and fatter, then explodes. They crack up.

MOE
Dad said we should take turns.

MICKEY
Dad told me he thinks you’re
retarded.
21.


Moe attacks him. They wrestle. Mickey gets Moe in a
headlock. Lorne Malvo enters the garage, watches them.

MALVO
You’re doing it wrong. You wanna
press your forearm against the back
of his neck, then grab your elbow
with the other hand. Choke him
right out.

The two boys separate, unsettled.

MICKEY
Whatcha want, mister?

MOE
Ya, mister. Whatcha want?

MALVO
Sign outside says Hess and Sons.

Malvo studies them, Tweedle Dum and Dumber.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Which is the older boy?

MICKEY
Me. Mickey. So that means I’m in
charge when dad’s gone.

MOE
Are not. Mom said --

MICKEY
Mom’s got nothing ta do with it,
faggot.

Upstairs, Sam sees his boys talking to Malvo, comes out of
the office.

SAM HESS
Help you with something?

Malvo sizes him up, ignoring the hired muscle.

MALVO
You Hess?

Hess and the two big guys come down the stairs. It’s clear
they don’t like strangers coming around, asking questions.

SAM HESS
Who wants ta know?
22.


Malvo checks to see if there’s another guy behind him asking
questions.

MALVO
Me.

He nods to the big rig.

MALVO (CONT’D)
See you do work for Narcol. You
know Romo?

SAM HESS
You know Romo?

MALVO
(beat)
Never heard of him.

Hess looks at his guys to see if they’re hearing this.

SAM HESS
Is he serious?

Hess closes on him.

SAM HESS (CONT’D)
Only two reasons to come to my
shop, friend. Either you need a
truck. Or you drive a truck. You a
truck driver?

Malvo is unintimidated.

MALVO
I was just talking to your boys. I
think the younger one’s a little
dim.

SAM HESS
What did you say?

MALVO
His IQ seems low, I’m saying. Have
you had him tested?

The two heavies close around Malvo.

MICKEY
Hit him, dad.

MOE
Ya, dad. Hit him.
23.


Bruce Gold clears his throat. Hess looks at him. Gold
shakes his head.

SAM HESS
I’m gonna restrain myself -- on
accounta you got an obvious head
injury -- and not beat you with you
to death with a tire iron. But I’m
gonna` ask you again. What the heck
do ya want?

MALVO
Just wanted to get a look at you.

Malvo gives Sam a slow once over.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Okay. That’ll do it.

Malvo walks out. Off Hess: what the fuck was that about?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In the garage of Hess Trucking Company, Sam Hess and his lawyer Bruce Gold engage in a tense conversation with the enigmatic Lorne Malvo, who questions Sam about a truck driver named Romo and mocks his son Moe's intelligence. While Sam tries to protect his sons, Mickey and Moe, who are playing with inflatable women, the atmosphere shifts from comedic to confrontational. Malvo's unsettling presence and taunts escalate the tension, leaving Sam confused and unsettled as Malvo departs without revealing his true intentions.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the power dynamics and tension between the characters, setting up future conflicts and developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious stranger entering a criminal environment and challenging the established authority is intriguing and sets the stage for further conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Malvo confronts Sam Hess, leading to potential repercussions and escalating tensions within the criminal underworld.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, with fresh dialogue and interactions that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Sam Hess portrayed as a menacing figure and Lorne Malvo as a mysterious and confident outsider. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and hidden agendas.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Malvo and Sam Hess hint at potential shifts in power dynamics and alliances.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and business, as well as assert his authority and dominance in the face of a potential threat.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the intentions of the mysterious stranger who has come to his trucking company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Malvo and Sam Hess is palpable, with the tension escalating as the scene progresses, leading to a potential confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the stranger posing a potential threat to the protagonist and his family.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the power struggle between Malvo and Sam Hess, with potential consequences for both characters and the criminal world they inhabit.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions, setting the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the stranger's mysterious motives and the potential threat he poses to the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's sense of power and control versus the stranger's unknown motives and potential threat.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' conflicting motives and hidden agendas.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and filled with underlying threats and sarcasm, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and mystery surrounding the stranger's visit and the protagonist's reaction.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense, suspenseful encounter in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension through the introduction of Lorne Malvo, who is portrayed as a calm and calculating presence amidst the chaotic and juvenile antics of Sam Hess's sons. This contrast heightens the stakes and foreshadows Malvo's potential threat.
  • The dialogue between the characters is sharp and reveals their personalities well. Malvo's condescending remarks about the boys' intelligence serve to establish his dominance and create discomfort, which is effective in building tension.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more context regarding Malvo's motivations for visiting Hess. While he asks about Romo, the lack of clarity around his intentions may leave the audience confused about the stakes of the interaction.
  • The physicality of the boys wrestling and the explosion of the inflatable woman adds a comedic element that contrasts with the darker undertones of Malvo's presence. This juxtaposition is interesting but could be more seamlessly integrated to enhance the overall tone.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Malvo leaving, which can be effective in maintaining suspense. However, it might be beneficial to include a line or action that hints at Malvo's true intentions or the consequences of this encounter, leaving the audience with a stronger sense of foreboding.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Malvo's internal thoughts or motivations are hinted at, perhaps through a visual cue or a subtle line of dialogue, to clarify his purpose for visiting Hess.
  • Enhance the physicality of the scene by incorporating more descriptive action that showcases the boys' antics and Malvo's reactions, which could further emphasize the contrast between their childish behavior and Malvo's sinister demeanor.
  • To maintain the comedic tone while also building tension, consider having Malvo engage in a more playful yet menacing interaction with the boys before turning serious with Sam Hess, which could create a more dynamic shift in the scene.
  • Explore the dynamics between Sam Hess and his lawyer, Bruce Gold, to add depth to their characters. A brief exchange or a reaction from Gold during Malvo's visit could provide insight into the seriousness of the situation and Hess's character.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or action from Malvo that leaves the audience questioning his next move, enhancing the suspense and intrigue surrounding his character.



Scene 11 - Tension at the Doorstep
EXT. LESTER’S BROTHER’S HOUSE. MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - DAY

An expensive two story home. Lester and Pearl stand on the
threshold with a meatloaf. Lester’s broken nose is taped,
his eyes black.

PEARL
How does a grown man fall over his
own feet?

LESTER NYGAARD
It was ice. I slipped on ice.
(feels his nose)
We should have cancelled.

PEARL
Don’t be a baby.

Unhappy, Lester rings the bell. SCOTTY, 9, opens the door.

LESTER NYGAARD
(animated)
We’re here.

The boy SLAMS the door in their face. Beat. Lester rings
the bell again. KITTY NYGAARD, 32, opens the door. She’s
pretty, well appointed.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(tries again)
We’re here.
24.


KITTY
Come on in. Ron’s working the ham.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Lester and Pearl arrive at Lester's brother's house with a meatloaf, but Lester's injuries and strained relationship with their son, Scotty, create an awkward atmosphere. Scotty slams the door in their faces, highlighting the conflict, while Pearl dismisses Lester's injuries. Kitty, Lester's wife, eventually opens the door and invites them in, contrasting the tension with her welcoming demeanor.
Strengths
  • Effective balance of drama and comedy
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances tension, humor, and emotional depth, providing insight into the characters' relationships and inner conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a family visit revealing underlying tensions and personal struggles is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester and Pearl visit his brother's house, setting the stage for further exploration of family dynamics and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its nuanced portrayal of family dynamics and the juxtaposition of humor with underlying tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex relationships and inner conflicts that drive the scene forward and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 6

Lester's broken nose and black eyes symbolize his internal struggles and the challenges he faces in his personal life, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and composure despite his physical injuries and the awkward situation with his family. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and validation, as well as his fear of appearing weak or vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal in this scene is to successfully deliver the meatloaf and navigate the social interaction with his family members, particularly his brother's family. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining appearances and relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The scene contains interpersonal conflicts and tensions, particularly between Lester and his family members, adding drama and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, as seen in Scotty's hostile reaction and Lester's struggle to maintain his composure.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the interpersonal conflicts and tensions add complexity and depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters, such as Scotty slamming the door in Lester's face, which adds a layer of tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between appearance and reality, as Lester tries to present a composed front despite his physical injuries and the underlying family dynamics. This challenges his beliefs about self-image and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and discomfort to tenderness and humor, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and emotional depth, reflecting the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable characters, naturalistic dialogue, and underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor with moments of tension, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension in Lester's life, particularly through the physical manifestation of his injuries, which symbolize his emotional and social struggles. However, the dialogue feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying issues in Lester and Pearl's relationship.
  • Pearl's line about Lester being a 'baby' is a missed opportunity to deepen her character. It comes off as dismissive without revealing much about her motivations or feelings. Adding a line that hints at her own frustrations or insecurities could create a more complex dynamic between them.
  • The interaction with Scotty is impactful, as it highlights the strained family relationships. However, the moment could be enhanced by showing more of Scotty's emotions or motivations for slamming the door. Is he angry, scared, or simply acting out? A brief internal thought or a visual cue could add depth to his character.
  • Kitty's introduction is abrupt. While it's clear she is welcoming, a line or two that reflects her awareness of the tension or her relationship with Lester could make her character feel more fleshed out. This would also help to establish the family dynamics more clearly.
  • The transition from the door slamming to Kitty opening the door feels rushed. A beat or a moment of silence after the door slams could heighten the awkwardness and tension before moving on to Kitty's entrance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Lester and Pearl. This could involve them discussing their lives in a way that reveals their frustrations without explicitly stating them.
  • Enhance Pearl's character by giving her a line that reflects her own struggles or insecurities, which would create a more nuanced portrayal of their relationship.
  • Develop Scotty's character further by including a brief moment that shows his emotional state or reasoning behind slamming the door, making his actions more relatable.
  • Introduce Kitty with a line that hints at her awareness of the family tension or her relationship with Lester, which would help to establish her character more effectively.
  • Add a moment of silence or a reaction shot after Scotty slams the door to build tension before transitioning to Kitty's entrance, allowing the audience to feel the awkwardness of the situation.



Scene 12 - Sibling Rivalry in the Kitchen
INT. KITCHEN. BROTHER’S HOUSE - DAY

RONALD NYGAARD (30s) stands at the kitchen counter. It’s
clear he got all the looks and charm in the family. Lester
holds a can of beer with a straw in it. Ron massages honey
into a ham with his bare hands.

Behind them, Kitty and Pearl set the table. Scotty watches
TV in the other room.

RON
-- took the whole team down to
Duluth Tuesday. Big spread at the
Marriot.

PEAL
Ooh. I’ve always wanted ta stay
there.

RON
Ya. It’s real sweet. King sized
bed. View of the lake. You name it.
Boss took me out for dinner.

KITTY
Just the two of them.

RON
Steak big as a catcher’s mitt.
Said, Ronny, you’re going places in
this world.

KITTY
Gave him a raise and a corner
office.

PEARL
Hear that, Lester? A corner
office. Where two walls meet.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Real good.

PEARL
And him your younger brother.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. I said I heard.
25.


KITTY
Vice President Sales, Midwest
Region.

Ron massages the ham.

RON
Bought the surround sound to
celebrate. Pretty sweet, huh?

Lester sips beer through a straw, watches his brother work
the meat.

LESTER NYGAARD
You may have ta marry that ham, you
get any more familiar with it.

RON
Saw it on Rachel Ray. She says
massaging breaks the muscle down.
Makes the meat juicier.

PEARL
Lester never wants to try new
things.

LESTER NYGAARD
Now hold on -- that’s not --

KITTY
Oh, we make Scotty try stuff all
the time. Ron says we hafta open
his horizons.

RON
Broaden his horizons. It’s a big
world, ya now. There’s more to
life than just Minnesota.

Lester sips gingerly from his can of beer.

RON (CONT’D)
Took a real tumble, huh?

LESTER NYGAARD
There’s a spot over by the fire
station. Always icy. Don’t know
what the heck I was thinkin’.

Ron washes his hands.
26.


RON
(to Lester)
Come out ta the garage. Help me
get some more beer.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the kitchen of Lester Nygaard's house, Ronald, the younger brother, prepares a ham while boasting about his recent successes in Duluth, eliciting sarcastic responses from Lester, who feels overshadowed. Kitty and Pearl support Ron, teasing Lester and highlighting the sibling rivalry. The light-hearted banter reveals deeper insecurities, culminating in Ron inviting Lester to help fetch more beer from the garage, suggesting a moment of camaraderie amidst the tension.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Establishing character dynamics
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the family dynamic and sets up tension between the characters, while also providing moments of humor and light-heartedness.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a family dinner gathering is a familiar setting, but the addition of awkwardness and tension between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester interacts with his brother and family, setting up potential conflicts and character dynamics for future development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on family dynamics and sibling rivalry, with authentic dialogue and character interactions that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Lester portrayed as uncomfortable and out of place compared to his charismatic brother. The family dynamics are effectively established through their interactions.

Character Changes: 4

While there are subtle hints of character development, particularly in Lester's discomfort and awkwardness, significant changes do not occur within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Ronald's internal goal in this scene is to assert his success and superiority over his brother Lester. He wants to show off his achievements and make Lester feel inferior.

External Goal: 7

Ronald's external goal is to celebrate his recent success by buying surround sound and preparing a ham for the family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on establishing character dynamics and setting up potential conflicts for future development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' interactions and dynamics.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on interpersonal dynamics and relationships within the family.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by establishing character dynamics and potential conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in power dynamics and the unexpected humor that arises from the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of trying new things and embracing change versus sticking to familiar routines and habits. This challenges the characters' beliefs and values, especially Lester's resistance to change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to discomfort, as the characters navigate their interactions and relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, capturing the awkwardness and humor of a family gathering. It also reveals subtle tensions and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, subtle humor, and underlying tension between the characters, keeping the audience interested in the family dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a natural flow of dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy family drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a family drama, with clear character interactions and dialogue that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the contrast between Lester and his brother Ron, highlighting Ron's success and charm compared to Lester's insecurities and awkwardness. This dynamic is crucial for character development and sets the stage for future conflicts.
  • The dialogue flows naturally and captures the familial banter, but it could benefit from more subtext. While the characters discuss Ron's achievements, Lester's sarcasm and discomfort could be emphasized further to deepen the tension and showcase his jealousy.
  • The use of physical actions, such as Ron massaging the ham, adds a layer of visual storytelling. However, this action could be tied more explicitly to the themes of masculinity and domesticity, perhaps by contrasting it with Lester's passive behavior.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional arc. While it introduces the characters and their relationships, it doesn't escalate any conflict or tension. Adding a moment where Lester's frustration peaks or where Ron inadvertently belittles him could enhance the stakes.
  • The setting is well-defined, but it could be enriched with more sensory details. Describing the smells of the kitchen or the sounds of the TV could create a more immersive atmosphere and reflect the family's dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Lester's jealousy or frustration becomes more apparent, perhaps through a sarcastic remark that lands awkwardly or a physical reaction that contrasts with the jovial atmosphere.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting. Describe the aroma of the ham, the clinking of dishes, or the sounds from the TV to create a more vivid scene.
  • Explore the theme of masculinity further by contrasting Ron's confident handling of the ham with Lester's awkwardness. Perhaps Lester could fumble with a kitchen tool or make a comment that reveals his discomfort with domesticity.
  • Introduce a small conflict or tension point, such as a disagreement about parenting styles or a comment about Lester's job, to create a more dynamic interaction among the characters.
  • Consider using the beer can with a straw as a visual metaphor for Lester's character—perhaps he could struggle to drink from it, symbolizing his inability to assert himself in the family dynamic.



Scene 13 - Fractured Bonds
INT. GARAGE. BROTHER’S HOUSE - DAY

A sweet setup with tools hanging on the wall. Ron opens a
mini-fridge, hands Lester a beer.

RON
We took Scotty to a specialist last
month. Think he might have the
autism. Won’t stop drawin’ on the
walls. Also, Kitty found a mason
jar in his closet. I guess he pees
in it at night. What’s that about?
Hey. Wanna see something cool?

He goes over to a locked footlocker, opens the padlock with a
key.

RON (CONT’D)
Take a look at this baby.

Lester comes over.

ANGLE ON THE FOOTLOCKER

Inside is a large automatic weapon, gleaming and deadly.

LESTER NYGAARD
Geez. What is it?

RON
That there is your M-249 SAW light
machine gun. Sometimes referred to
as ‘the piglet.’

LESTER NYGAARD
Are you allowed to -- can you even
have that?

RON
Is it legal? Technically no way.
But I got a buddy works supply over
Camp Ripley. And heck, I’m an
American. I pay my taxes. Take a
look. It’s gas operated, air
cooled. Shoots seven-hundred-twenty-
five rounds per minute.
27.


He takes the machine gun out of the box, hefts it, then hands
it to Lester, who, unprepared for the weight, DROPS IT on the
concrete floor.

LESTER NYGAARD
Aw geez.

Ron bends down. The machine gun is clearly damaged.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
You shoulda told me it was so
heavy. Is it okay?

RON
No, Lester. It’s not okay. You
bent the darn --
(sighs)
Why are you such a G.D. screw up?

LESTER NYGAARD
Hey, now --

RON
Ever since you were -- And now
Kitty said she talked to Pearl last
week. And she’s had it. Your wife.
Said yer acting just plain weird.
Mopin’ around. Said she caught you
standing in the bathroom with yer
toothbrush in yer hand just looking
in the mirror. Said foam was
comin’ outta yer mouth like a rabid
dog.

LESTER NYGAARD
That’s -- come on -- that’s not --
how I may -- or may not -- be
feeling. And fer yer information I
was -- I hadn’t had a lotta sleep
the night before. So the
toothpaste -- that was just --

RON
Did you really trip on the ice and
break yer nose?

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Yes. I told ya. Outside the
fire station. Ya know they run the
hoses and wash the trucks and the
ground gets all wet. Real slippery.

Ron shakes his head.
28.


RON
Guys at work. They talk about how
they look up to their brothers.
Their older brothers.
(beat)
Sometimes I tell people you’re
dead.

LESTER NYGAARD
You --

RON
I mean, heck, Lester. You’re forty
years old. When are you gonna get
yer act together?

Beat. Lester stares at him, ire rising.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense garage confrontation, Ron expresses deep concern for his son Scotty's troubling behavior and reveals his disappointment in his brother Lester's life choices. The conversation takes a dark turn when Ron shows Lester an illegal M-249 SAW machine gun, which Lester awkwardly drops, symbolizing his lack of control. The scene highlights the strained relationship between the brothers, filled with frustration and unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of subtlety in revealing character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the interaction between the characters, revealing underlying emotions and setting up potential future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and hidden secrets is well-executed, especially with the introduction of the firearm as a symbol of power and control.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the revelation of the firearm and the strained relationship between the brothers, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unexpected element with the reveal of the automatic weapon in the footlocker. The characters' interactions and revelations feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and change, especially for Lester as he confronts his brother's expectations and criticisms.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself to his brother and assert his own identity and capabilities. He wants to show that he is not a screw-up and can handle the responsibilities and challenges presented to him.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to impress his brother and gain his approval by handling the machine gun with confidence and competence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the brothers is palpable, with high stakes and emotional intensity driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions driving the conflict between the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The discovery of the firearm and the strained relationship between the brothers raise the stakes and hint at potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden reveal of the automatic weapon and the escalating conflict between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of masculinity, responsibility, and self-worth. Ron represents traditional values of masculinity and success, while Lester struggles with feelings of inadequacy and failure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, resentment, and disappointment, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the underlying tensions and emotions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional tension, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic interaction between characters, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the strained relationship between Lester and Ron, showcasing Ron's frustration with Lester's life choices. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying tension without being overly explicit. For instance, instead of Ron directly stating that he sometimes tells people Lester is dead, consider a more subtle approach that implies his disappointment without stating it outright.
  • The introduction of the M-249 SAW machine gun serves as a strong visual metaphor for the escalating violence and danger in Lester's life. However, the transition from discussing Scotty's behavior to revealing the gun feels abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the flow of the scene and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Lester's reaction to the gun and his subsequent clumsiness with it effectively highlight his character's ineptitude and lack of control. However, the dialogue surrounding the gun could be tightened to maintain a brisk pace. Some lines feel repetitive, particularly when Lester tries to justify his actions. Streamlining this dialogue would enhance the scene's impact.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with the mention of Scotty's behavior and the gun, is well-placed but could be amplified. Consider adding more comedic elements or reactions from Lester that contrast with the seriousness of the gun's presence, which would create a more dynamic emotional range.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Lester's rising ire, but it could benefit from a more definitive emotional climax. Instead of simply cutting to the next scene, consider having Lester express his frustration more vocally or physically, which would leave a stronger impression on the audience.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in Ron's dialogue to convey his disappointment in Lester without explicitly stating it. This could create a more nuanced interaction.
  • Smooth the transition from discussing Scotty's behavior to the reveal of the gun by adding a line or two that connects the two topics, maintaining the audience's engagement.
  • Tighten the dialogue surrounding the gun to eliminate repetition and enhance the scene's pacing, making it feel more dynamic.
  • Add more comedic elements or reactions from Lester to contrast with the serious nature of the gun, creating a richer emotional landscape.
  • Consider having Lester express his frustration more vocally or physically at the end of the scene to create a stronger emotional climax before cutting to the next scene.



Scene 14 - Tension in the Night
INT. CAR - NIGHT

Lester drives. Pearl sits next to him, fuming.

PEARL
Yer own brother. You didn’t haveta
hit him. I mean, seriously. What
is the matter with you?

Lester drives, jaw clenched. The world is pressing down.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE. ST. LOUIS, MS - NIGHT

A MAN sits alone in an office. This is MR. RUNDLE. Outside
his window is the skyline of a mid-western city. His
furniture is bland. No decorations on the wall. The man is
similarly forgettable. His phone rings.

MR. RUNDLE
(answering)
Claims and Adjustments.

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lester drives at night with an angry Pearl beside him, confronting him about his recent violent behavior towards his brother. The atmosphere is thick with tension as Lester remains silent, grappling with his internal conflict. The scene shifts to Mr. Rundle in a bland office, answering a phone call, contrasting the emotional turmoil of Lester and Pearl's interaction.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing hidden conflicts and secrets
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts within the family, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family secrets, strained relationships, and hidden tensions is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for character development and plot progression.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the exploration of family dynamics and conflicts, setting the stage for future revelations and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar conflict but approaches it in a fresh and engaging way, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion, particularly in Lester's strained relationship with his brother and wife.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences a shift in his relationships and perceptions, particularly with his brother and wife, setting the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to control his emotions and deal with the consequences of his actions. This reflects his deeper need for self-control and his fear of losing his temper.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult situation with his partner and address the conflict that has arisen. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, particularly within the Nygaard family, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult emotional conflict that adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high within the family dynamics, as hidden tensions and conflicts threaten to unravel relationships and reveal long-buried secrets.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key tensions, conflicts, and secrets within the Nygaard family, setting the stage for future developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unresolved conflict between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for control and his partner's need for emotional expression. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about communication and conflict resolution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, discomfort, and anxiety, as the characters navigate their strained relationships and hidden secrets.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, discomfort, and underlying emotions, adding depth to the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the sense of suspense created by the dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its overall effectiveness in conveying the emotional conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and develops the conflict between the characters, following the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Lester and Pearl, showcasing the strain in their relationship. Pearl's anger is palpable, and her dialogue succinctly conveys her frustration with Lester's actions. However, the scene could benefit from more specific details about the incident that led to Pearl's anger, as it currently feels somewhat vague. Providing a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at the nature of the altercation with his brother could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Lester's internal struggle is well-represented through his clenched jaw and silence, but the scene lacks a deeper exploration of his emotions. Adding internal monologue or visual cues that reflect his guilt, shame, or defiance could create a more nuanced portrayal of his character. This would help the audience connect with his turmoil and understand the complexity of his situation.
  • The transition to Mr. Rundle's office feels abrupt and somewhat disconnected from the emotional core of the scene. While it serves to introduce a new character, it disrupts the flow of the narrative. Consider integrating Mr. Rundle's introduction more smoothly, perhaps by hinting at his relevance to Lester's story before cutting to him. This could create a stronger narrative thread and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The visual description of Mr. Rundle's office is effective in establishing his character as bland and forgettable, but it could be enhanced by including more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the city outside, the lighting in the office, or even Mr. Rundle's demeanor could create a more immersive experience for the audience. This would help to contrast the emotional intensity of Lester and Pearl's scene with the mundane nature of Mr. Rundle's environment.
  • The use of intercutting between Lester's car and Mr. Rundle's office is an interesting choice, but it may confuse the audience if not executed carefully. Ensure that the intercutting serves a clear narrative purpose, such as highlighting a thematic connection between the two characters or foreshadowing future events. Otherwise, it may feel like a disjointed narrative choice.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief flashback or dialogue that hints at the incident between Lester and his brother to provide context for Pearl's anger and deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate internal monologue or visual cues that reflect Lester's complex emotions, such as guilt or defiance, to create a more nuanced portrayal of his character.
  • Smoothly integrate Mr. Rundle's introduction by hinting at his relevance to Lester's story before cutting to him, maintaining narrative flow and audience engagement.
  • Enhance the sensory details in Mr. Rundle's office to create a more immersive experience, contrasting the emotional intensity of Lester and Pearl's scene with the mundanity of Rundle's environment.
  • Ensure that the intercutting between Lester's car and Mr. Rundle's office serves a clear narrative purpose, highlighting thematic connections or foreshadowing future events to avoid confusion.



Scene 15 - Detour of Deception
INT. CAR (TRAVELING). SAINT CLOUD, MN - SAME TIME

Lorne Malvo drives in a newly stolen car, on his phone. We
see an SUV in front of him.

MALVO
It’s me.
29.


MR. RUNDLE
Mr. Malvo. Your call was expected
yesterday.

MALVO
I got delayed.

MR. RUNDLE
Problems?

MALVO
Car trouble. Fixed now.

MR. RUNDLE
But you finished the assignment?

MALVO
Of course.

MR. RUNDLE
And when can they expect you in
Duluth? The new client is anxious
to begin.

MALVO
Soon. I took a detour.

MR. RUNDLE
And the nature of this detour.

The SUV ahead of Malvo pulls into THE LUCKY PENNY, a strip
club. Malvo follows.

MALVO
Personal. Shouldn’t be more than a
day or two.

MR. RUNDLE
I’ll let Duluth know.

Malvo hangs up. He watches Sam Hess get out of the SUV with
his two guys, walk to the front door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lorne Malvo, driving a stolen car, speaks on the phone with Mr. Rundle about a delayed assignment, downplaying his personal detour. As he arrives at a strip club, he spots Sam Hess exiting an SUV with two associates, hinting at a potential confrontation. The scene is tense and suspenseful, showcasing Malvo's dual objectives and the deception involved in his conversation.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Setting up potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and sets up potential conflicts with the introduction of new characters and mysterious conversations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detour from a secretive assignment adds depth to the storyline and raises questions about Malvo's motives and actions.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of new characters and potential conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar trope of a criminal character balancing personal and professional obligations, but adds a fresh twist with the enigmatic dialogue and subtle character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters introduced in this scene, particularly Lorne Malvo and Sam Hess, add layers to the story and hint at future confrontations.

Character Changes: 5

There are no significant character changes in this scene, but the introduction of new characters and potential conflicts sets the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Lorne Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his facade of normalcy while secretly pursuing his own personal agenda. This reflects his need for control and power, as well as his fear of being discovered for who he truly is.

External Goal: 7

Lorne Malvo's external goal in this scene is to handle the fallout from his delayed arrival in Duluth and reassure Mr. Rundle that he will be there soon. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his personal and professional obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene sets up potential conflicts between characters, especially with the introduction of Sam Hess and the mysterious phone call, increasing tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, as Malvo's personal detour puts him at odds with his professional obligations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of his actions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the secretive nature of the conversation, the presence of Sam Hess, and the potential conflicts that may arise, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, characters, and conflicts, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected detour Malvo takes and the potential dangers it may lead to. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of Malvo's personal agenda and its impact on the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between appearances and reality, as Malvo presents a calm and collected demeanor to Mr. Rundle while secretly engaging in personal pursuits that may have dangerous consequences. This challenges Malvo's beliefs about control and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on building suspense and intrigue, there is a subtle emotional undercurrent due to the cryptic nature of the dialogue and the potential conflicts brewing.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Malvo and Mr. Rundle is cryptic and intriguing, setting the tone for the scene and hinting at hidden agendas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, enigmatic dialogue, and subtle character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery of Malvo's personal detour and its potential consequences.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the visual cues enhance the effectiveness of the scene in maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful crime drama, with a clear setup of the protagonist's goals and obstacles. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Lorne Malvo's character as someone who is both confident and enigmatic. His casual demeanor while discussing a delayed assignment on the phone contrasts sharply with the tension of his actions, which adds depth to his character.
  • The dialogue between Malvo and Mr. Rundle is functional but lacks a sense of urgency or tension that could elevate the stakes. While it conveys necessary information, it feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext or conflict to engage the audience further.
  • The transition from the phone call to Malvo's observation of Sam Hess is visually effective, but the scene could use more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the environment, such as the sounds of the strip club or the ambiance of the night, would create a more immersive experience.
  • The scene's pacing is steady, but it could be tightened by eliminating some of the more redundant lines. For instance, the exchange about the detour could be more concise, allowing for a quicker buildup to the reveal of Malvo's intentions.
  • The introduction of the strip club as a setting is intriguing, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of Malvo's internal thoughts or a visual cue that hints at his motivations for following Hess could provide a smoother transition and deepen the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension to the phone conversation by incorporating a sense of urgency or danger. Perhaps Mr. Rundle could express concern about Malvo's delay, hinting at potential consequences if he doesn't deliver.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more vivid atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights of the strip club as Malvo approaches, which would help ground the audience in the setting.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any lines that don't add significant value to the character development or plot progression. Focus on making each line impactful and loaded with subtext.
  • Introduce a moment of internal conflict for Malvo as he observes Hess. This could be a fleeting thought or a visual cue that hints at his true intentions, adding layers to his character and building suspense.
  • Consider using visual storytelling techniques, such as close-ups or specific camera angles, to emphasize Malvo's expressions or reactions during the phone call, which could convey his confidence or underlying menace without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 16 - A Fatal Encounter
INT. BACK ROOM. THE LUCKY PENNY - NIGHT

Sam Hess is giving it to a HOOKER, who couldn’t look more
bored, a cigarette dangling from her lips.

HOOKER
Oh, yeah, big fella. Oh, yeah.
30.


Hess works towards his big finish, huffing and puffing. Then
suddenly, he STOPS. BLOOD pours from his mouth. The hooker
screams as Hess falls on top of her, revealing: LORNE MALVO,
who has just stuck a KNIFE into the back of Hess’s head.
Hess blocks the hooker’s view.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Vern is sleeping next to his wife. The phone rings.

VERN
Ya?
(beat, listening)
Aw geez. Where?
(beat, listening)
Okay. Pick me up, huh?

He sits up, scratches. Ida is half awake.

IDA
Gotta go?

VERN
Homicide. Molly’s coming ta get me.
Go back to sleep, hon.

She throws her arm over him, sleepily.

IDA
Love ya.

VERN
Love ya too.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a back room of The Lucky Penny bar, Sam Hess engages in a lackluster sexual encounter with a disinterested hooker. Just as he reaches climax, he is brutally stabbed in the back of the head by the antagonist Lorne Malvo, causing blood to pour from his mouth. The hooker, initially bored, is thrown into shock as Hess collapses on her, blocking her view of the attack. The scene ends with the hooker in terror and transitions to Vern receiving a phone call about the homicide.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres and tones
  • Compelling plot and character development
  • Sharp dialogue and engaging interactions
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • High level of conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for all audiences
  • Certain scenes may require trigger warnings for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends different genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling and engaging narrative. It keeps the audience on edge with its dark and tense atmosphere while also providing moments of dark humor to lighten the mood.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden murder in a seemingly mundane setting adds a layer of intrigue and suspense to the scene. The juxtaposition of intimate moments between characters and a violent act creates a compelling contrast that keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds seamlessly, moving from a mundane domestic setting to a shocking murder, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. The scene effectively advances the story by introducing new conflicts and escalating existing tensions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre, with morally ambiguous characters and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions, contributing to the overall tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and dynamics, particularly in response to the shocking murder. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and power over others, as evidenced by his aggressive behavior towards the hooker. This reflects his deeper need for control and validation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to eliminate a threat to his operation, as shown by his violent actions towards Hess. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining his criminal enterprise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged. The tension between characters, the sudden murder, and the high stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a significant threat to his operation and a moral dilemma in his actions. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including a sudden murder, escalating tensions, and personal conflicts, create a sense of urgency and suspense. The characters are faced with life-changing decisions and consequences, raising the stakes and keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating existing tensions, and setting the stage for future developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking turn of events, such as the protagonist's violent actions and the unexpected appearance of Lorne Malvo. The audience is left unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's ruthless pursuit of power and control, and the consequences of his violent actions on others. This challenges his beliefs about the nature of power and the morality of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to dark humor and shock. The intimate moments between characters and the sudden act of violence create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the dark and tense atmosphere of the scene while also incorporating moments of dark humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The tension and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions of the action. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller, with a buildup of tension and suspense leading to a dramatic climax. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a shocking and violent moment that serves as a turning point for both Sam Hess and Lorne Malvo. The abruptness of the action creates a strong impact, but it may benefit from a bit more buildup to enhance the tension leading up to the murder. The hooker's disinterest adds a layer of dark humor, but her character could be fleshed out slightly to make her reaction more poignant.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but it might be interesting to include a brief exchange between Hess and the hooker that hints at his character or their relationship. This could deepen the audience's understanding of Hess before his sudden demise.
  • The transition from the violent act to Vern's domestic scene is jarring. While it serves to juxtapose the violence with normalcy, the cut could be smoother. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that connects the two scenes, such as the sound of the phone ringing echoing in the background as Hess falls.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for the characters involved. While the shock of the murder is immediate, exploring Hess's thoughts or feelings in his final moments could add depth. Similarly, Malvo's motivations for the murder could be hinted at, providing insight into his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is effective for the shock value, but it may leave the audience wanting more context. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that captures the aftermath of the murder could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief exchange between Hess and the hooker to provide context for their relationship and heighten the impact of the murder.
  • Introduce a visual or auditory element that connects the violent act to Vern's domestic scene, creating a smoother transition between the two.
  • Explore Hess's thoughts or feelings in his final moments to add emotional depth to the scene, making his death more impactful.
  • Provide a hint of Malvo's motivations for the murder, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that suggests his intentions.
  • Add a moment of reflection or a visual representation of the aftermath of the murder to enhance the emotional weight and allow the audience to process the shock.



Scene 17 - Midnight Conversations at the Thurman House
EXT. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Molly pulls up in her prowler. Vern comes out, climbs in.
Molly hands him a coffee.

VERN
Thanks.

Molly drives.

MOLLY
Ida sleeping?

VERN
Ya.
31.


MOLLY
Bill’s over the Lucky Penny. Says
it’s a real mess.

VERN
Bar fight?

MOLLY
Nope. Ya know those back rooms
they got for hanky panky? Well,
sounds like a customer was givin’
it to one of the girls. Got
himself stabbed in the head.

VERN
The girl stabbed him?

MOLLY
Bill says no. Says it was an
assassination type deal.

VERN
(thinks about that)
Huh.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Molly arrives at the Thurman house in her prowler to pick up Vern, who appreciates the coffee she offers. They discuss a recent violent incident at the Lucky Penny bar, where a customer was stabbed, sparking Vern's curiosity and concern. The scene unfolds at night, creating a tense atmosphere as they reflect on the implications of the event, leaving them both intrigued and unsettled.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Shocking twist
  • Realistic character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character exploration
  • Slightly flat dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the assassination plot, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an unexpected assassination in a quiet neighborhood adds a layer of suspense and intrigue to the overall storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of the assassination, adding a new layer of conflict and mystery to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by blending elements of mystery with small-town drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the shocking event, showcasing their individual personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

The characters are impacted by the assassination, but their changes are not fully explored in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal in this scene is to gather information and possibly solve a mystery. This reflects her curiosity and desire to uncover the truth in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to investigate the recent incident at the Lucky Penny bar. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her role as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the assassination, setting the stage for further tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Molly is faced with conflicting accounts of the incident that challenge her investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death are evident in the assassination scene, raising the tension and suspense to a new level.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development that will have lasting consequences.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the revelation of new information about the incident at the bar.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of truth and justice. Molly is faced with conflicting accounts of the incident at the bar, challenging her beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The shocking nature of the assassination scene elicits strong emotions from both the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is concise and serves to move the plot forward, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and intriguing plot developments. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay writing.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven mystery genre, with a clear focus on character interactions and plot development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through the dialogue between Molly and Vern. The mention of a stabbing in a back room adds an element of intrigue and raises the stakes, which is essential for maintaining audience engagement.
  • The dialogue feels natural and reflects the characters' personalities well. Vern's casual demeanor contrasts with the gravity of the situation, which adds depth to his character and highlights the absurdity of their world.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more visual description to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the weather, the surroundings, or the expressions on Molly and Vern's faces could help set the mood and immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt. While the dialogue is engaging, a smoother transition could help maintain narrative flow. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two scenes more cohesively.
  • The exposition regarding the stabbing feels a bit rushed. While brevity can be effective, providing a bit more context or emotional reaction from Vern could enhance the impact of the news and deepen the audience's understanding of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the cold night air, the sound of the prowler's engine, or the smell of coffee to engage the audience's senses.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared glance between Molly and Vern after the news about the stabbing, allowing the weight of the situation to settle in before they continue their conversation.
  • Expand on Vern's reaction to the news of the stabbing. A brief pause or a change in his tone could convey his concern or disbelief, adding emotional depth to the scene.
  • To improve the transition, you could include a line that references the previous scene's emotional weight, such as Vern expressing concern for the safety of the bar patrons or reflecting on the violence in their town.
  • Explore the dynamics of Molly and Vern's relationship further. A small exchange that reveals their camaraderie or shared experiences could enhance their connection and make the audience more invested in their characters.



Scene 18 - A Deadly Discovery
INT. BACK ROOM. THE LUCKY PENNY - NIGHT

Sam Hess lays face down on the bed, the knife still sticking
out of the back of his head. Vern and Molly stand by the bed
looking down at him.

MOLLY
Whatcha want me to write for cause
of death?

VERN
Put self-explanatory.

Vern crouches, examines Hess’s profile.

VERN (CONT’D)
Well, heck. That’s Sam Hess.

MOLLY
Hess that owns the trucking
company?

VERN
Ya. With the two boys, both dumb
as a dog’s foot.

Molly looks around. A thought hits her.
32.


MOLLY
Hold on. Isn’t Hess tied to that
syndicate of fellas outta Fargo?
Gun runners and such.

VERN
So they say.

MOLLY
Geez. Ya think this was, like, an
organized crime thing? A hit or
the like?

VERN
(straightens)
Don’t know what I think yet.
Except that I was warm in bed a
half hour ago.

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